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Y BOY 


MAY 1998 • $4.95 


ENTERTAINMENT F 


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PLAYBILL 


OUR AGENDA this month involves international affairs of state. 
In front, up top and on the cover is zesty Ginger Spice, a.k.a. 
Geri Halliwell, member of the tongue-in-cheeky Spice Girls. To 
date, Halliwell has pinched a royal ass and failed to curtsy be- 
fore the Queen for fear of spilling out of her dress. She should 
know—in her pre-Spice days she was a nude model. The pi- 
quant pictorial Spice Girl (no clothes, no music!) is fresh Ginger. 

Political commentator Arianna Huffington infuriates liberals 
not because she’s conservative but because she’s conservative 
and funny. Put Huffington in a hot tub with Bill Clinton (who, 
even before Paula Corbin Jones, was accused of having a 
rightward bent), add a gimlet eye of Newt and what do you 
get? Bubba Bubble, a biting excerpt from Huffington’s new, 
satirical book, Greetings From the Lincoln Bedroom (Crown), The 
Monica Lewinsky scandal broke shortly after we acquired this 
steamy property, so Huffington updated the spoof for us—it 
read a bit too much like nonfiction. (Ihe artis by eminent car- 
icaturist Sebastian Kruger.) Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Miss America 
1982, was once numbered among all the president's women. 
When she posed for Richard Fegley during Clinton's first cam- 
paign, the tight-lipped actress proved to be the classiest and 
certainly the most beautiful of Super Fly's alleged conquests. 
Today Elizabeth's still not talking about Slick Willie. But that 
doesn't matter; her poses in Amazing Gracen will have you 
pulling Democratic. 

Speaking of good sports, artist LeRoy Neiman is a world 
champion when it comes to capturing pro athletes in paint. At 
last year’s Masters, Neiman created a portfolio of images for 
Tiger at Play, a visual homage to golf superstar Tiger Woods. For 
the accompanying text, we turned to John Andrisani. He's a 
free-swinging golf pro who has written books with everyone 
from Fred Couples to Woods’ instructor. (His latest is The Short 
Game Magic of Tiger Woods, published by Crown.) 

We spend way too much time thinking and talking about it, 
yet hardly any time doing it. Thankfully we have Scot Adams 
and his hugely popular cartoon strip Dilbert to help us laugh 
about work. Now comes his Playboy Interview with Contribut- 
ing Editor David Shefi. In it, Adams analyzes cubism (how cu- 
bicles depersonalize us and rob us of privacy). He also talks 
about the sex-charged atmosphere at Microsoft and reveals 
new ways of getting paid for having fun. As director of Reality 
Bites and star of Flirting With Disaster, second-generation actor 
Ben Stiller also provides the middle class with comic relief. In a 
20 Questions with Robert Crane, Stiller calls TV a narcotic and 
says Get Shorty isa bad title for a porn film (this from a guy who 
spent a day sporting a fake boner on camera). 

Men adapt to any situation. We love adventure. We also 
have penises and know how to use them. These are just three 
of the Twenty-Five Things Men Do Right in Bed, as reported by 
Playboy Advisor Chip Rowe. The article is our long-overdue re- 
sponse to all those foolish sitcom cracks and women's maga- 
zine rants. No, we're not asking you to believe Chip—the 
praise comes from dozens of satisfied women. Bunny Memories, 
an excerpt from The Bunny Years (Pomegranate) by Kathryn 
Leigh Scott (Bunny Kay), is another sexy tale with a happy end- 
ing. Scott contacted members of her elite sorority, including 
actor Lauren Hutton and rock star Deborah Harry, for stories 
of hopping good times, and offers anecdotes about feminist 
mata hari Gloria Steinem. 

In our Baseball Preview Kevin Cook weighs realignment and 
expansion and says not to pick the Braves. Even Bobby Cox 
admits the fall classic is a crapshoot. (Either that or he's a lousy 
manager.) If short-term suspense is your thing, turn to Net- 
mail by Brendan DuBois (art by Robert Giusti). The message “You 
have mail” has never been so creepy. To get back in the mood, 
check out Make И Champagne by Gary Regan and Mardee Haidin 
Regan. And while you're at it, toast Playmate Deanna Brooks. 
She's naturally intoxicating. 


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PLAYBOY. 


Spice ls Nice 


vol. 45, no. 5—may 1998 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL . 1 250, e UU 
THE PLAYBOY PRESIDENT editoricl . .HUGHM.HEFNER 11 
DEAR PLAYBOY Әсе 13 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. 7 
WIRED .. RR, 4 20. 
MOVIES . . BRUCE WILLIAMSON 21 
VIDEO 28 
MUSIC 24 
BOOKS Pe Lo 26 
HEALTH & FITNESS . 28 
MEN 2555 3 xs К 29 
MONEY MATTERS i. V CHRISTOPHER BYRON 30 
MANTRACK ..... 33 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 39 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM .. 41 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: SCOTT ADAMS—candid conversation 51 
BUBBA BUBBLE—humor --АШАММА HUFFINGTON 62 
SPICE GIRL—pictoriol 66 
NETMAIL—fiction te BRENDAN DUBOIS 76 
TIGER АТ PLAY—portfolio_ JOHN ANDRISANI ond LEROY NEIMAN 78 
MAKE ІТ CHAMPAGNE—drink ... „GARY REGAN and MARDEE HAIDIN REGAN 82 
SHIRTS AND TIES—foshion . HOLLIS WAYNE 86 
TWENTY-FIVE THINGS GUYS I Do RIGHT ıl IN N BED—orticle ....... CHIP ROWE 92 
OUR MS. BROOKS—playboy’s playmate of the month. 94 
PARTY JOKES—humor 106 
WARP SPEED—motorcycles. . 108 
BUNNY MEMORIES—article 112 
PLAYMATE REVISITED: VERONICA GAMBA . А 117 
PLAYBOY'S 1998 BASEBALL PREVIEW sports 7 120 
PLAYBOY GALLERY: BURT REYNOLDS . 125 
FAR-OUT PAGERS—electronics ....... 126 
AMAZING GRACEN—pictorial 130 
20 QUESTIONS: BEN STILLER. . 138 
CAPOTE'S FINAL CUT—Iast words. 143 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY... 160 
PLAYMATE NEWS 5 167 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE.. 171 


COVER STORY 


Sugar, spice and everything nice: That's what Ginger is made of. The Spice 
Girls’ unofficial ringleader, Ginger (born Geraldine Estelle Halliwell) says, “My 
largest muscle and my biggest asset is my brain.” You moy also note a few of 
Ginger's other assets in this month’s pictorial, which proves that Spice is the 
voriety of life. Thanks to Richard Young and Rex USA Ltd. for our cover photo. 


GENERAL OFFICES, PLAYBOY. 800 NORTH LAKE SHORE отук. CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 00011, PLAYBOY ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY TO RETURN UNSCLICITEO EDITORIA. OR GRAPHIC оп OTHER ма 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY executive editor 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

ARTICLES: STEPHEN RANDALL editor; FICTIO! 
ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PETER- 
SEN senior staff writer; снір ROWE associate edi- 
tor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; 
BETH TONKIW associate editor; DAN HENLEY assis- 
tant; STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER, CHRISTOPHER NA- 
POLITANO senior editors; BARBARA NELLIS associ- 
ale editor; ALISON LUNDGREN junior editor; CAROL 
ACKERDERG. LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS. 
TERRY CLOVER, CAROL KUBALEK, KATIE NORRIS, 
HARRIET PEASE, KELLI PHON, JOYCE WIEGAND-BAVAS 
editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE 
director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES asst. editor; CAR- 
TOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; ARLAN BUSHMAN, ANNE SHER- 
MAN asst. editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; 
LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK. LISA ROBBINS re- 
searchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANA 
HEED ALANI, ТІМ GALVIN, BRETT HUSTON, JOAN 
MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa BABER, CHRIS- 
TOPHER BYRON, JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN. 
LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS (automotive), CYN. 
THIA HEIMEL. WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO 
JOE MORGENSTERN. REG POTTERTON, DAVID REN 
SIN. DAVID SHEFF, BRUCE WILLIAMSON gnovies) 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET suski, LEN WILLIS senior directors; SCOTT 
ANDERSON asst. art director; ANN SEIDL supervisor, 
keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; 
JASON SIMONS ari assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN CRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN Senior edilors; 
STEPHANIE BARNETT, FATTY BEAUDET-FRANCÉS, 
KEVIN KUSTER associate edilors; DAVID CHAN 
RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201. 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, 
STEPHEN wAYDA contributing photographers; 
GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chicag, 
BILL WHITE studio manager—los angeles; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; ELIZABETH CEORGIOU photo 
archivist; GERALD SENN correspondent—paris 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 

MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers; 
BARB TEKIELA. DEBBIE TILLOU fyfeselters; BILL 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION. 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
Rotunno subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 

ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS. eastern ad sales manager: JEFF 
KINMEL, sales development manager; JOE HOFFER 
midwest ad sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU market- 
ing director: Lisa NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI Correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions manager 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC, 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


THE PLAYBOY PRESIDENT 


Kevin Siers, a political cartoonist 
for The Charlotte Observer, was the 
first to sce it. He put together the 
world’s most sophisticated logo— 
the Playboy Rabbit Head—and the 
world’s most powerful seal, that of 
the president of the U.S. 

We have a playboy in the White 
House. And depending on the poll, 
as many as 65 percent of Americans 
think that’s just fine. President Clin- 
ton has become a sort of sexual 
Rorschach. I have been in a similar 
position for more than 40 years. As I 
said in a Playboy Interview 24 years 
ago, I enjoy the public’s fantasies 
about my life almost as much as I do 
the way I really live. And I can't de- 
ny being amused at the mixed reac- 
tions I arouse. 

Columnists and commentators 
characterize the president as a rake, 
babe magnet, alpha male, hound 
dog, a man fascinated with the op- 
posite sex. Newsweek magazine re- 
ported that when Vernon Jordan 
was asked early this year at a party 
what he and Clinton talk about on 
the golf course, the answer was sim- 
ple: “Pussy.” 

It is the one great mystery, the 
one genuine grace note, the one 
true power. It is guaranteed to bring 
out a sense of play in a grown man, 
and it holds us in its sway from ado- 
lescence until death. 

In one sense, that answer sums 
up the conversation this magazine 
has had with its readers for decades. 
There are some who say the conver- 
sation is degrading or disrespectful. 
The truth, one that fuels the presi- 
dent's approval rating, is that awe, 
curiosity and just plain horny obses- 
sion are forms of respect. 

‘Try as it may, the puritan mob will 
not be able to put Clinton into the 
stocks. Most Americans look at the 
president and say, “More power to 
him. We didn't elect him to be the 
Pope.” And that is a triumph in the 


history of the sexual revolution. 


үе cartel out to get the 
president—and anybody else who is 
openly sexual. It never ceases to 


BY HUGH M. HEFNER 


amaze me how a handful of self-ap- 
pointed protectors of our moral fab- 
ric can command the machinery of 
government. 

It is a continuing saga: A few 
moral charlatans—from Charles 
Keating to Jerry Falwell, from Ed 
Meese to Bill Bennett, from Pat 
Robertson to the Reverend Donald 
Wildmon—have sought to impose 
their will on the nation. I saw it hap- 


pen when zealous prosecutors went 
after Lenny Bruce, when bluenoses 
in Cincinnati had a museum direc- 
tor arrested on obscenity charges 
for exhibiting photographs by Rob- 
ert Mapplethorpe, when a fanatic 
like Randall Terry, founder of Oper- 
ation Rescue, incites action against 
Barnes & Noble for selling books by 
David Hamilton and Jock Sturges. 
The attempted character assassina- 
tion of Clinton may be the final bat- 
tle in this century-long culture war. 
Conservative publisher Alfred 
Regnery, who has published several 
books attacking Clinton's politics 
and peccadilloes, used to head the 
Justice Department's Office of Juve- 
nile Justice and Delinquency Pre- 
vention. While he was there he gave 
rabid antisex crusader Judith Reis- 
man more than $700,000 to look at 
cartoons in PLAYBOY, Penthouse and 
Hustler in hopes of concocting a link 
between sexual imagery, children 
and crime. Regnery also gave one of 
Ed Meese's friends a $4 million non- 


competitive grant to set up a pro- 
gram at Pepperdine University. 
(The same Pepperdine that waved 
money and position at Ken Starr, to 
reward him for his attempts to bring 
down the president.) 

A lawyer associated with the 
Rutherford Institute (a think tank 
avowedly devoted to religious free- 
dom) filed a frivolous lawsuit on 
Reisman's behalf against the Kinsey 
Institute. She has long claimed that 
the sexual revolution was a conspir- 
acy, that Kinsey fabricated stati 
that homosexuals are a deviant 
nority. Reisman and conservative 
Pat Buchanan also fanatically op- 
posed Clinton's attempt to protect 
gays in the military, as did Falwell. 

l was not surprised when the 
Rutherford Institute became in- 
volved in the Paula Jones case, help- 
ing her to find and pay for new 
lawyers when her previous ones 
quit. Or that Judith Reisman now 
passes herself off as an expert on 
sexual harassment. The issue is not 
sexual harassment but the annihila- 
tion of sexual freedom. 

What does the public support for 
Clinton augur? I think it means we 
have at last come of age. We do not 
expect our leaders to be the stuff of 
McGuffey's Readers. They are living, 
breathing, sexual beings. We don't 
ask, they don't tell. In this regard, it 
is proper to keep sex in the closet, 
especially if there's someone else 
with you. 

Whatever the truth of the allega- 
tions against Clinton, our sexual 
Rorschach test has been enlighten- 
ing. We have had a national teach in 
on the sex lives of former presi- 
dents, on oral sex and seduction, on 
the value of tiny gifts and late-night 
phone calls, on discretion and reck- 
less abandon. The sexually charged 
atmosphere of the White House has 
lit a thousand points of lust— 
around watercoolers, on the Inter- 
net, in bedrooms, on telephones— 
and a thousand points of tolerance. 

We are human. We are sexual. 
Now let's get on with life. 


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WHY WOMEN SAY YES 
Iwo things became clear to me as I 

read Alison Lundgren and Tracey Pep- 
per's article Why Women Say Yes (Febru- 
ary). Every woman wants something dif- 
ferent from a man, and women don't 
base their attraction on tangible things 
like clothing, cologne, cars or cigars. No 
wonder men haven't figured out what 
women want. 

Douglas Gray 

San Leandro, California 


Sound the trumpets and release the 
hounds. Our sexual freedom is at hand. 
After reading Why Women Say Yes, I'm 
confident. Now we know that what ev- 
ery woman wants is either a Don Juan 
or a passive-aggressive paranoid schizo- 
phrenic. My advice to men: Be yourself 
without being too much of a pig and 
things will usually work out. And if that 
fails, at least we'll always have the beauti- 
ful women of PLAYBOY. 

Todd Fontaine 
Gulfport, Mississippi 


‘There is no common reason why wom- 
en say yes. I don't feel I've learned any 
secrets about women, because it all 
comes down to pushing the right but- 
tons and hoping you'll win her over. Fer- 
haps that’s why another term for getting 
laid is getting lucky. 

Steve Larsen 

Newport Beach, California 


CONAN O'BRIEN 
"The Playboy Interview with Conan O'Bri- 

en (February) is everything a great inter- 
view should be. I'm still laughing. He's 
the funniest comedian-entertainer-inter- 
viewer out there. Now let's hear from 
Andy, his second banana. 

Dave Dygert 

Grass Valley, California 


Kudos on a terrific job with the text 
and photos of O'Brien. I'm sure a lot of 
people will want to correct him on a 


point of anatomy: The pyloric sphincter 
15 actually at the bottom of the stomach 
and allows partially digested food into 
the small intestine. The cardiac sphinc- 
ter is what prevents acid and food from 
reentering the esophagus. Apart from 
this minor error, O'Brien is a witty guy. 
Paul Burnside 
College Station, Texas 
Thanks, Paul. It looks as if Conan slept 
through his anatomy classes at Harvard. 


NIGHT MOVES 
Before eyeballing Night Calls’ hostesses, 
Juli Ashton and Doria, in your Couch 
Tomatoes pictorial (February), I wasn't a 
subscriber of Playboy TV. Now that Гуе 
seen the pictorial, I'm a subscriber and 
never miss their show. Thank you, 
PLAYBOY, from the bottom of my libido. 
Kurt Altenburg Jr. 
Palo Alto, California 


RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE 
February's Mantrack contains an item 

about a new, exotic rum from Venezuela 
called ocumare. You reported that its se- 
cret ingredient, guarana, is a seed from 
the Amazon rain forest that is prized 
for its aphrodisiac qualities. That so- 
called secret ingredient is actually caf- 
feine. That's what makes guarana-based 
drinks so popular in Brazil and why Pep- 
si is marketing a guarana soft drink 
called Josta. 

Ed Rosenblum 

Brooklyn, New York 


COMEBACK KIDS WHO NEVER LEFT 

T have to take issue with three of your 
“Comeback Kids” (Video, February). 
"Tom Hanks had two movies that grossed 
$100 million before Philadelphia—A 
League of Their Own and Sleepless in Seat- 
ile. Julia Roberts had some high-grossing 
movies as well—The Pelican Brief and 
Sleeping With the Enemy. Lastly, Marlon 
Brando’s comeback movie was A Dry 
White Season, for which he received an 
Academy Award nomination. Are you 


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‘There ls a £4.00 shipping and handling charge per total order. 
Ilinols residents include 6.75% sales tx. Canadian residents 
please include an additional $3.00 per йет. Sorry no other 
foreign orders or currency accepted. nra re 


PLAYBOY 


saying he didn't make any good movies 
between 1972 and 1990? How about Last 
Tango in Paris and Apocalypse Now? 
Robert Keller 
Durham, North Carolina 


BEAU TIE 
Ir's about time someone gave clear in- 

structions on tying a bow tie (Mantrack, 
January). After reading an article in The 
Atlantic Monthly about the history of the 
bow tie, I went to the library in search of 
visual instructions. Thanks to PLAYBOY 
and lots of practice, I discovered a trick: 
Think of the bow tie as a shoelace. The 
crossover, the loop and the pull-through 
are all the same. Now on casual days at 
work, I wear my bow tie proudly. 

Scott San Antonio 

Boston, Massachusetts 


DVD SUPPORT 

I just finished reading February's 
Wired item about Digital Video Express 
System, and there are a few additional 
facts your readers should know. A DiVX 
disc will not incorporate many of the im- 
provements that make the DVD such an 
attractive format. Current plans are to 
release one screen format and one audio 
track, so DiVX viewers will be stuck with 
pan-and-scan and no alternative audio. 
Then there are many questions of avail- 
ability and pricing. It's not surprising 
that two thirds of DVES is owned by Cir- 


cuit City and one third by a law firm in 
Los Angeles. Leave it to a bunch of bot- 
tom-feeding lawyers to screw up life for 
the rest of us. 
Frank Harris 
Irvine, California 


SEX IN THE FIFTIES 
I read about James R. Petersen's sexu- 
al-history tour of Washington, D.C. in 
the Baltimore Sun, which sent me to the 
magazine for the sixth installment of 
Playboy's History of the Sexual Revolution 
(February). The visuals are fabulous and 
the section on the Kinsey Report on wom- 
en is fascinating. It certainly ends the lie 
that women in the Fifties were strait- 
laced and dull. 
Barbara Nelson 
Baltimore, Maryland 


THE CEO OF MARGARITAVILLE 
Аз а Parrothead since the days of Jim- 
my Buffett's Why Don't We Get Drunk and 
Screw?, 1 begrudge him none of his suc- 
cess. David Standish's piece (The CEO of 
Margaritaville, February) shows me that 
you don't have to be an asshole after all 
your dreams have come true. 
Kevin Block 
Chicago, Illinois 


Аз one of the nine people who pur- 
chased early Buffett albums, I'm thrilled 
by his success, which came despite the 


lack of radio support. Thanks for the ar- 
ticle about an inspirational guy. 
Cathryn Sanders 
Carson City, Nevada 


Buffett bills himself as the good old 
boy who made it big while keeping his 
perspective. He tries to convince us he is 
still a regular guy while he flies around 
the world in his private planes and rubs 
elbows with pretentious idiots. After a 
bad encounter with him at one of his 
concerts, I no longer buy into his act. 

Christopher Barca 
Palm Beach, Florida 


GUNNING FOR BOND 
In the February Playbill, you state that 
“When it comes to Bond, nobody does it 
better than Lee Pfeiffer.” If that’s so, 
then Pfeiffer must haye spilled his marti- 
ni—shaken, not stirred—when he saw 
the picture that accompanied his article, 
Bond's Little Black Book. The photo of 
what is supposed to be 007's infamous 
Walther PPK shows, in fact, a 9mm Kurz, 
not the 7.65mm that Bond carries. Also, 
instead of having a blue finish like 007's 
gun, it’s stainless steel. The reflective 
surface could reveal Bond's position. 
What would lan Fleming think of this? 
Richard Verbanc 
Wilmington, Delaware 
Thank you. We have exiled our Armaments 
Editor to Chechnya. 


Keep it Basic 


1 READ IT FOR THE ARTICLES 
No, this isn't a letter of appreciation 

for your photos. It's a note of thanks for 
PLAYBOY's editorial content. You have 
made a significant difference in the life 
of an 85-year-old blind lady in Quebec. 
My mother suffers from adult-onset 
blindness. I've tried to help her pass the 
time with audiobooks, but the selection 
in Canada is sparse. Under the head- 
ing “Listen Up” on your February Books 
page, you list an address for a fabulous 
books on tape Web site. I'm now able to 
send my mother a new book on tape 
every week. I'm forever thankful 

Ken Hayward 

Vancouver, British Columbia 


YOU FORGOT ONE 
“Oxymorons of the Month” (Party 
Jokes, February) omiued the most obvi- 
‘ous one: happily married. 
Kris Garrison 
Greenville, Ohio 


BREAST WISHES 
I love Pete Turner's erotic photo of the 
pinched nipple in Playboy Gallery (Feb- 
ruary). I found a similar picture, titled 
Gabrielle d'Estrees and One of Her Sisters, 
on the Louvres Web site for French 
paintings. I guess the French do know a 
few things about the female form. 
Kevin Murphy 
Rosebud, South Dakota 


DUTCH TREAT 

I have never seen a woman more ex- 
quisite than Bond girl Daphne Deckers 
(Bonding With Daphne, February). 1 love 
her sexy spiked hair, her beautiful eyes, 


her long, tawny body and her killer legs. 
Michelle Yeoh and Teri Hatcher may 
make Bond's heart beat faster, but T'I 
take the lovely Daphne any day. 
Joseph Coffey 
Hartford, Connecticut 


Your February issue is truly fabulous. 
It's great to see Bond and PLAYBOY to- 
gether again. Daphne Deckers is stun- 
ning and lives up to the tradition of past 
Bond babes. 

Stephen Roldan 
Aiea, Hawaii 


DON’T CRY FOR ARGENTINA 
I'd like to congratulate David Standish 

for the beautifully written travel piece 
The Madness Begins at Midnight (January). 
It captures the essence of a Buenos Aires 
night—its beautiful women, its restau- 
rants and nightclubs, the pizzerias along 
Corrientes Avenue and the magic that 
makes this the most charming city in 
the world. 

Sergio Millan 

Buenos Aires, Argentina 


CENTERFOLD SWEETHEART 
Congratulations on a great Playmate 
Revisited pictorial with Miss September 
1963 Victoria Valentino in your Febru- 
ary issue. It was a pleasure to read about 
a Playmate who has made the most of 
her life and still looks great. Having lost 
a son myself, 1 empathize with Victoria, 
and applaud her commitment to grief 
counseling. 
Gordon Reigle 
Midland, Texas 


© Philip Moris Inc.1998 


16 mg “tar” 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


рсы 
——— 


DISTILLED AND BOTTLED BY 
JACK DANIEL DISTILLERY 
LEM MC PROPRIETOR 
LYNCHBURG (POP. 361), TENN. USA 
45% 


gk DAZ; 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


NO PEPPERONI, THICK CRUST AND 
EXTRA CREEP 


According to Domino's Team Wash- 
ington, the most popular fictitious name 
given when ordering a prank pizza in 
Washington, D.C. is Janet Reno. 


HOUSE PROBE 


We like a plainspoken congressman 
such as California Democrat Pete Stark. 
He's the guy who wrote the fine bill that 
prohibits physicians from bringing up 
the subject of payments with Medicare 
patients while conducting intimate phys- 
ical examinations. Then he gave it an 
even finer name: the No Private Con- 
tracts to Be Negotiated When the Pa- 
tient Is Buck Naked Act of 1997. 


ARTERY CLOGGER 


Last December, security scanners at 
England's Manchester airport were un- 
able to detect the difference between 
Semtex plastic explosive and Christmas 
pudding, according to Reuters. An air- 
port spokesman defended the screening 
system, which cost $23 million, claiming 
it had not malfunctioned. "It is designed 
to detect organic matter, and Christmas 
puddings have unusual density, which 
alerts the system," he said. "The system 
is simply doing its job and doing it very 
well." Meanwhile, security personnel 
had to hand-search hundreds of pieces 
of luggage containing the sometimes un- 
settling but rarely lethal holiday dessert. 


CHIP SHOT 


Here's a gift for the golfer who takes 
his game sitting down. The Harriet Car- 
ter catalog offers Potty Golf, a type of 
miniature golf you play while seated on 
the throne. It comes with a putter, two 
balls and a putting green and sells for 
$17.95, plus shipping (800-377-7878). 
And we thought you were supposed to 
be quiet during putting. 


GOVERNMENT ZEROS 


It comes as no surprise that the U.S. 
government may not be ready to face the 
impending computer crisis. The long- 


anticipated predicament will hit on Jan- 
чагу 1, 2000, when various systems may 
shut down when computers fail to recog- 
nize the first two digits of the year. Re- 
publican Congressman Steve Horn has 
projected that computers in the Energy 
and Labor Departments won't be up- 
graded to identify 2000 until 2019. In 
all, Horn said that 14 of the govern- 
ment's largest 24 agencies, including the 
Defense Department, may not cross the 
bridge to the 21st century. 


ORTHODOX JUICE 


San Franasco beer loyer Jeremy Cow- 
an is the man responsible for He’ Brew, a 
new kosher microbrew. “Don't pass out, 
pass over” is one of his slogans; “Exile 
never tasted so good” is another. Cowan, 
head of Shmaltz Brewing Co., says he 
hopes his “chosen beer” is seen as a “hip 
Manischewitz.” Lox of luck. 


FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH 


From the please-baby-baby-please 
dept.: According to a ten-year study of 
918 Welshmen age 45-59, orgasms 
could save your life, Statistics report- 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


ed in the British Medical Journal indicate 
that frequent sex prolongs your life and 
halves your risk of early demise. As the 
study declares, “Sexual activity seems to 
have a protective effect on men’s health.” 
Mortality risk was 50 percent lower in 
the group with high orgasmic frequency 
than in the low-frequency group. You 
still won't live forever, but at least you'll 
die smiling. 


KENNEDY'S KITCHEN CABINET 


Get ready for another D.C. definition 
of oral sex. During Senator Ted Kenne- 
дуз annual staff holiday party, his wife 
Vicki entertained the invitees by saying 
that she had heard stories about couples 
who had been married for several years 
and whose interest in sex had been re- 
placed by an interest in food. According 
to The Washington Post, she said she knew 
it had happened to her marriage when 
Teddy moved the ceiling mirrors into 
the kitchen. 


TRAVEL TIPS 


The Malaysian minister of culture, 
arts and tourism suggested last year that 
mass circumcision ceremonies be pro- 
moted as tourist attractions. 


GOAT'S HEAD SLIP 


Keith Richards told Rolling Stone re- 
cently: “Phones are the bane of my life. 
Alexander damn Graham Bell, I'd shoot 
him.” Score one for the Luddites, except 
for this hitch: The Stones’ Bridges to 
Babylon tour was sponsored by Sprint. 
Richards has apologized to the phone 
company. 


IN A LATHER 


Take this job and flush it. The Associ- 
ated Press reports that a workplace hy- 
giene system undergoing tests in an At- 
lantic City hotel is turning Big Brother 
into Big Mother. According to the plan, 
employees will be asked to wear a badge 
that triggers special sensors in the lava- 
tory. The electronic sensors then note 
and record whether the wearer uses the 
sink for at least 15 seconds. A blinking 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


QUOTE 

“I saw Charles in 
the shower and all 1 
сап say is there's alot 
of acreage there— 
but there’s no way 
that it’s worth $8 
million."—HOUSTON 
ROCKETS FORWARD 
MATT BULLARD СОМ- 
MENTING ON A LAW- 
SUIT FILED AGAINST 
CHARLES BARKLEY BY A 
WOMAN WHO SAID SHE 
SAW BARKLEY'S BUT- 
"IOCKS WHEN SHE WENT 
INTO THE ROCKETS’ 
LOCKER ROOM 


FACT OF THE MONTH 

A total of 333 paintings, 
drawings and prints by Pablo 
Picasso—the most popular 
artist among thieves—have 
been stolen, With 266 works 
stolen, Joan Мїгб is runner- 
up; Marc Chagall places third 
with 230 pieces. 


TURBOCHARGE 

The percentage of 
automobile owners 
who admit that they 
have emotional at- 
tachments to their 
cars: 19. 


REGAL ESTATE 
Highest price ever paid for a pri- 
vate home in the U.S: $50 million 
(for a 140-acre estate in Lake Tahoe). 
Previous record: $47.5 million (paid 
in 1990 for а home in Beverly Hills). 


AIRBORNE VIRUSES 
In a study of 40 international 
flights arriving in New York and Los 
Angeles, number whose onboard 
sewage contained infectious viruses 
(even after having been sanitized with 
that blue stuff): 19. 


TV DINNER 

On a scale of one to 30 in the 
renowned Zagat restaurant survey, 
food rating earned by Al Yeganeh's 
Soup Kitchen International, real-life 
home of Seinfeld's “Soup Nazi": 27. 
Food rating of the upscale restaurant 
Le Cirque 2000: 25. 


SOUND BARRIER 
According to a survey by Black 
Pearl Records, percentage of men 
who feel that having music on while 
they make love inhibits their sexual 
performance: 32. Average number of 
times per week that couples who lis- 


ten to music during 
foreplay have sex: 4. 
Times per week cou- 
ples who prefer si- 
lence have sex: 2. 


STAR DUST 

Number of tons of 
man-made litter— 
such as defunct satel- 
lites—that are clutter- 
ing up outer space: 
2500. Number of 
pieces of junk in 
space: 100,000. Speed 
at which many of 
these objects travel: 
about 360 miles per 
minute. 


BANK ROLL MODELS 
According to a 25- 
year study of 1000. 
children and their 
parents, percentage 
increase in income of 
sons who were raised 
in homes rated "very 
clean" over income of sons raised in 
homes that were “so-so,” “not very 
clean" or "dirty": 40. Percentage in- 
crease in income for male adults 
whose fathers had savings worth two 
months' income compared with men 
whose fathers did not: 18. Percentage 
increase in income for adult men 
whose fathers used seat belts: 18. 


ILLEGAL-MINDED ALIENS 

Number of immigrants who were 
granted U.S. citizenship in 1996 with- 
out a full FBI background check: 
180,000. Number who were later 
found to have a criminal conviction 
disqualifying them: 369. Number of 
immigrants whose citizenship could 
be revoked because they failed to re- 
veal past arrests: 5634. 


WOMEN'S STUDY 

In a one-year study of 50 U.S. mag- 
azines conducted by the University 
of Florida College of Journalism, 
percentage of all articles appearing 
in men’s magazines that were about 
sex: 66. Percentage of articles in 
women's magazines that were about 
sex: 72. —BETTY SCHAAL 


badge indicates that the wearer failed 
to properly wash his or her hands. A 
battered, nonfunctioning, heel-marked 
badge indicates that the wearer fails 
to appreciate the company's concern in 
this area. 


LOVE MATCH 


Should you find yourself on a tennis 
date, you may want to bear in mind a 
survey by Club Med. It found that cou- 
ples who play tennis against each other 
enjoy romantic interludes three times 
as often as couples who play as a team. 
Your serve. 


SPURIOUS YELLOW 


When does a borderline hustle be- 
come a legitimate calling? When it is giv- 
en the imprimatur of the Yellow Pages 
and receives its own category heading. 
Brow-raising enterprises that recently 
attained such distinction, according to 
USA Today, are aromatherapy, funeral 
art, aura photography, breast-feeding 
counseling and angels. (The latter 
group, we assume, involves some ex- 
treme long-distance charges.) 


AND THE WIENER IS . 


Ed *The Animal" Krachie lost the 
crown in December 1996 and the Japa- 
nese have reigned since. But George 
Shea of the New York hot dog chain 
Nathan's Famous believes the hot 
dog-eating championship will return to 
American hands. He singles out Joey 
Serrano, a young Philadelphian who ate 
17 dogsin 12 minutes last year. “This kid 
has the excitement you see only in a 
young athlete who is just becoming 
aware of the miracles his body can per- 
form on the field of combat.” At least un- 
til he discovers girls. 


THE ICEMAN COMETH 


Men who want to preserve their 
sperm for future use but are put off by 
the usual method—visiting a sperm 
bank and staying until they deliver— 
now have another option. OverNite 
Male, a service that is available through 
the University of Illinois at Chicago 
Medical Center, allows donors to take 
care of business at home and ship their 
samples via Fed Ex. While samples pro- 
duced at sperm banks must be frozen 
immediately, OverNite Male provides 
kits that will keep sperm viable for later 
freezing. 


THE LAST WORD ON 1997 


The American Dialect Society debated 
the words or expressions that best sum 
up 1997. Among the winning phrases 
that caught our eye are “El Nonsense” — 
to describe the erroneous association of 
an event with El Niño; and “exit bag"—a 
euphemism for the plastic bag placed 
over the head to commit suicide. 


CHROME! 


REFLECTIONS OF MEN 


WIRED 


LET THE GAMES BEGIN 


If you've been making demon meat out 
of the competition in online rounds of 
Doom or Quake, it may be time to go 
pro. A newly formed organization called 
the AMD Professional Gamers’ League 
plans to dole out more than $250,000 in 
cash and prizes each year to champions 
of the hottest Net games. Of course, if 
cash and swag aren't incentive enough, 
you could also get your mug on televi- 
sion. The quarterly PGL competitions— 
the most recent of which was held at 
Gameworks in Seattle—are aired on a 
syndicated show called TVCom. Like oth- 
er pro sports leagues, this one has its 
own commissioner, Nolan Bushnell, the 
developer of Pong and founder of Atari. 
There's even a Michael Jordan equiva- 
lent in Dennis “Thresh” Fong. This 20- 


Mitsubishi's entry into the market, the 
Amity CN ($1500 and up), is a bit larger 
than the Mobilon, but it can run a full 
version of Windows 95 and other 
Windows applications. Its screen and 
keyboard are lilliputian by desktop 
standards, and it has a track point 
device for easy scrolling through 
documents. Other models to consid- 
er: Toshiba’s Libretto, Casio's Cas- 
siopeia and, for Mac fanatics, the 
Message Pad 2100, which comes with 
an optional keyboard for easier word 
processing. Prices range from $300 
to more than $1000. 


SAY CHEESE 


And you thought one-hour photo 
processing was quick. The makers of 
color printers are now providing pho- 
tographers with direct connections for 
their digital cameras. That means no la- 
borious downloading to a computer and 
no software glitches to contend with. You 
just plug, print—and show off your 
snapshots in minutes. Among the most 
versatile color printers is Lexmark's 
7200V ($450). A Snappy video capture 
device built into the 7200V makes it pos- 
sible to print from a variety of sources, 


WILD THINGS 


including digital cameras, camcorders 
and VCRs. Epson's Stylus Photo ($400) 
prints directly from the company's Pho- 


to PC600 camera (or by way of the com- 
puter when using other digital shooters). 
Though you may nod off while your im- 
ages are processing (this printer is fairly 
slow), the photos you wake up to see will 
be colorful and crisp. For top resolution, 
there's the Olympus P-300 ($400), a 
printer that connects directly to any 
Olympus digital camera and uses a type 
of processing called dye sublimation to 
create prints virtually indistinguishable 
from the 35mm kind. 


A computer isn’t the only thing that can get fried by а 
brownout. Today’s complex home-theater setups are equally 
susceptible, which is why several companies are developing 
uninterruptible power-protection devices for the media room. 
One of the slickest we've seen is XS Technologies’ Strata 800 
AV Power Command Center (pictured here), о $600 unit that 
protects up to six AC-powered components with 800-volt amps 
of battery backup. (There's also a 1000-volt version for $150 
more.) Тһе Strata’s detochable display, which orients to a hor- 
izontal or vertical position, provides visual assurances that all 
is well with your gear. Other features include a removable con- 
trol panel (for powering connected devices), o free tech-sup- 
port hotline and a $30,000 guaranieed-replacement program 
for system failures. е Next time you loan your car to a girl- 
friend or a less-thon-reliable buddy, you can watch the driver’s 
every move with с Ceres car security system by RoadTrac. The 
securily system uses cellular communication and global posi- 
tioning satellite technology to provide 24-hour monitoring of 
your vehicle, (There's even an audio feature that allows a mon- 
itoring service to eavesdrop on a conversation in the car when 
the car is reported stolen.) Н< new Big Brother companion, 

a Windows 95 CD-ROM, allows you to keep track of 
your car on your desktop or notebook computer. With a 

few clicks of the mouse, the software instructs your PC to 

dial up your car's cellular phone to retrieve data, includ- 

ing current speed, direction of travel and mapping co- 
ordinates (recorded by the security system's GPS re- 

ceiver). Using this data, the software can show you 

where your car is headed on a map displayed on 

your monitor. The price: between $660 and $860 for 

the security system, plus $75 for the software. Installa- 

tion fees vary by installer and locotion. 


year-old Californian has won every tour- 
nament he's entered and counts a Fer- 
тагї аз part of his earnings. For more de- 
tails, or to sign up for the next season's 
game play, check out the league's Web 
site at www.pgl.com. 


1 


SORA 


14 
< 


COMPUTING ОМ THE FLY 


The new handheld personal computers 
from companies such as Sharp, Toshiba 
and Mitsubishi are more than just glori- 
fied organizers—they're excellent tools 
for firing off e-mail and faxes from the 
road. Most weigh under three pounds 
and come with software that makes 
transferring files to notebook or desktop 
systems a snap. One of our favorites is 
Sharp's new Mobilon. Priced upwards of 
$600, it runs on the Windows CE 2.0 op- 
erating system (a scaled-down version of 
Windows 95) and features a color LCD 
screen, a 33.6-kbps fax modem and an 
Internet browser. An optional Digital 
Camera Card ($400) connects to the Mo- 
bilon's PC slot, allowing you to jazz up 
20 your e-mail with pictures and sound. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 160. 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


TRACK STAR Steve Prefontaine was fa- 
vored to win a gold medal at the 1976 
Olympic Games in Montreal, but he died 
in a 1975 auto accident. He was 24, a 
cocky and confident Oregon athlete with 
innate star power who had a volatile but 
rewarding relationship with his coach, 
Bill Bowerman. Originally Prefontaine's 
mentor at the University of Oregon, 
Bowerman wenton to become an Olym- 
pic coach and develop the first Nike run- 
ning shoe. Their story is recapped in 
Without Limits (Warner Bros.) by director 
Robert Towne. Billy Crudup plays “Pre,” 
as he's called by his fans and friends, 
with Donald Sutherland on the money 
as the low-key, paternal coach. Nostalgic 
and inherently heart wrenching, Without 
Limits scores as poignant testimony to 
one man’s integrity and guts and the un- 
stoppable will to win. ¥¥¥ 


Brigitte Roúan is the star and direc- 
tor of the French-language Post Coitum 
(New Yorker). She also co-authored this 
steamy saga of a 40-year-old book edi- 
tor's amour fou for a much younger man. 
It’s after her first carnal liaison with 
handsome, carefree Emilio (Boris Tar- 
ral) that Diane (Rowan) forgets about 
books, her faithful mate Philippe and 
their two children. Patrick Chesnais is 
excellent as the cuckolded Philippe, a 
defense lawyer caught up in the case of 
a woman who has murdered her phi- 
landering husband. In her emotionally 
raw portrayal, Roiian doesn’t soften the 
harsh depiction of the mental and phys- 
ical agonies her heroine suffers when 20- 
something Emilio moves on, abruptly 
ending their dalliance. Post Coitum por- 
trays love as a flesh-and-blood addiction, 
and Diane's withdrawal symptoms take 
their toll on everyone close enough to 
hear her anguished moans. ¥¥/2 


More marital woes shatter a high-soci- 
ety houschold in The Proposition (Poly- 
gram). Boston in the Thirties is where a 
powerful, presumably infertile attorney 
named Barret (William Hurt) tries to 
satisfy his wife Eleanor’s desire to have a 
child by hiring a young lawyer (Neil 
Patrick Harris) to inseminate her. The 
persistent young surrogate falls in love 
with beautiful Mrs. Barret (Madeleine 
Stowe, convincing as a trophy wife, 
though you may not believe she’s also a 
popular writer). When her hired lover 
mysteriously turns up dead, Eleanor sus- 
pects her husband, loses the baby and 
enters a depression she cannot shake un- 
til a handsome young priest (Kenneth 
Branagh) joins the Barrets' church and 


Stowe considers a proposition. 


Women with problems, 
men going for broke and some 
bad eggs in business. 


changes their lives forever. Without giv- 
ing away too many secrets—Blythe Dan- 
ner holds the key in a pivotal role as the 
Barrets live-in assistant—what develops 
isan absorbing period melodrama about. 
deceit, infidelity and murder. ¥¥¥ 


The title character in The Butcher Boy 
(Warner Bros.) is an incorrigible Irish 
12-year-old saddled with a drunken fa- 
ther (Stephen Rea), a demented mother 
(Aisling O'Sullivan) and a nosy, vicious 
neighbor (Fiona Shaw) who blames him 
for everything that goes wrong in her 
life. Debuting in the role of Francie 
Brady is Eamonn Owens, who gives a 
harrowing performance as a frenetic vic- 
tim and perpetrator of countless anti- 
social acts. Francie alienates his friends, 
ransacks the neighbor's house, raises 
hell in reform school and goes on amur- 
derous rampage after he is released. Un- 
der the sly direction of Neil Jordan, 
Francie's nonstop misbehavior has dark 
comic overtones that somehow invoke 
both shock and sympathy. ¥¥¥ 


Pay close attention to The Spanish Pris- 
ener (Sony Classics) or you may lose track 
of what's going on. Director David Mam- 
ers famously cool and cryptic dialogue 
dresses up the trickiest, most convolut- 
ed suspense thriller in recent memory. 
Campbell Scott stars as Joe Ross, the in- 
ventor of a secret formula called the 


Process. Though never explained in de- 
tail, it's worth a fortune and sets off an 
elaborate confidence game with Ross as 
the dupe. He's employed by a slightly. 
shady tycoon (Ben Gazzara) who may ог 
may not want to cut him in on the prof- 
its. During hush-hush confabs in the 
Caribbean, Ross meets a weird business- 
man (Steve Martin) who warns him of 
treachery afoot. Other principals in- 
clude a seductive company secretary (Re- 
becca Pidgeon) and a confidant named 
George (Ricky Jay). With a title taken 
from a classic scam, Spanish Prisoner is an 
intriguing conundrum in which the bad 
guys and good guys are hard to identify. 
Mamet keeps his audience guessing as to 
who's doing whom right up to the wry, 
climactic finish. ¥¥¥/2 


A virtually unmapped settlement in 
Australia’s outback is the site of Welcome 
to Woop Weop (Goldwyn). Some resem- 
blance to director Stephan Elliott's The 
Adventures of Priscilla—that kinky down- 
under farce about a trio of drag queens— 
may raise false hopes for Woop Woop's 
comic potential. God knows it’s equally 
far-out and could become a cult favorite. 
After a hilarious opening sequence in 
which a New York con artist (Johnathon 
Schaech) traffics in contraband exotic 
birds (they escape on the wing, only to 
be shot at by gun-toting locals), he flees 
to Australia. There he is kidnapped by a 
sex-obsessed vamp named Angie (Susie 
Porter), who screws him, drugs him, 
marries him and transports him to the 
titular shanty town. Her father (Rod 
Taylor) runs the place and permits only 
selections from Rodgers and Hammer- 
stein musical comedies to flood the air- 
waves. Woop Woop's outdoor movie the- 
ater, of course, usually shows The Sound 
of Music. That's the movie's second-best 
joke, which wears a le thin before 
Schaech finally manages to sneak aw 
from the encampment with Angie’s 
more-sensible sister. Oh yes, there's a 
legendary big red kangaroo lurking in 
the vicinity, though most sane movie 
buffs may have hopped to the exit before 
the creature appears. ¥/2 


Italian author Primo Levi wrote The 
Truce (Miramax), describing his home- 
ward odyssey after he was released from 
Auschwitz in 1945. In director Francesco 
Rosi's meticulous movie version of the 
book, John Turturro portrays Levi in a 
subdued but emotionally charged man- 
ner. There’s always a problem with well- 
fed, healthy-looking actors cast as Holo- 
caust survivors, yet The Truce has many 
affecting scenes. The former victims are 
poignant as they feel their new freedom 


21 


22 


Hudson: Ghostbuster finds work. 


OFF CAMERA 


He was one of the original Ghost- 
busters more than a decade ago, 
then scored as the mentally back- 
ward handyman in The Hand That 
Rocks the Cradle. But Ernie Hudson, 
52, recalls those box-office hits as 
no help to his career: “They didn't 
bring any work my way.” Nowa- 
days, Ernie is working nonstop, 
notably as the prison warden on 
Oz, a hot, hip series on HBO. He 
has more coming: as a minister in 
a New England town in A Stranger 
in the Kingdom, and as an introvert- 
ed mass murderer in Bang. He'll 
also co-star with Pam Grier in 
Fakin' da Funk, a comedy. I like it a 
lot. We're a married couple adopt- 
ing a baby, and since our name is 
Lee, they think we're Chinese.” 

The Michigan-born Hudson was 
raised by his grandmother. He 
graduated from Wayne State Uni- 
versity in Detroit and won a schol- 
arship to Yale Drama School, but 
left after his first year. "It wasn't 
the place for me. Henry Winkler 
had just gone on to Hollywood, so 
they said he was selling out. That 
bugged me—the idea that an actor 
sells out unless he's starving." Now 
he sees stardom in a more mature 
light. "I came out here thinking 
I'd be rich and famous. But you 
can also be poorer—and popular." 
Hudson is still short of the sala 
paid to Hollywood's A-list, but he's 
working too much to worry and 
spends his free time at his San 
Bernadino mountain home with 
his wife and two boys (he also has 
two older sons from his first mar- 
паре). “While I see myself as an 
average, Tom Hanks-type guy, 
I'm big and look like I've played 
football. People stop me and ask, 
Which team were you with?'" 
Hudson feels he's moving on from 
his usual role of "helping out the 
white guys. I've worked with di- 
rectors who don't even give me 
direction. They just give me a 
high five." 


through having sex, dancing or watch- 
ing a Russian soldier in a detention 
camp do a passable imitation of Fred 
Astaire. Some of the film, however, is too 
emotionally distant to breathe life into 
that postwar slice of history. ¥¥ 


Bob and Brendan (played by Alexis 
Arquette and Christian Maelen) are col- 
lege roommates clearly made for each 
other, yet they're five years out of school 
before Brendan faces up to his homosex- 
uality. That’s virtually the whole story of 
1 Think 1 Do (Strand Releasing), writer-di- 
rector Brian Sloan’s bland, predictable 
sex comedy about a bunch of college 
chums working out their lives when they 
Meet again at a friend’s wedding in 
Washington, D.C. Lauren Velez is the 
bride, with Arquette very good as her 
gay maid of honor. Even better is Tuc 
Watkins as the vain actor who stars in the 
soap opera Bob writes and goes every- 
where Bob goes. The most striking as- 
pect of the movie is its depiction of this 
educated generation's casual acceptance 
of homosexuality. The basic flaw, alas, is 
that few of these nonjudgmental grads 
turn out to be very interesting. YY 


Filmmaker and professional agitator 
Michael Moore shows definite talent as 
stand-up comedian in The Big One (Mir- 
amax). Both funnier and more wide- 
ranging than Roger & Me (his famous at- 
tack on General Motors as the beast that 
ate Flint, Michigan), Moore's latest is his 
take on corporate America, recorded on 
camera during a promotional tour flog- 
ging his book Downsize This! Moore trav- 
els cross-country, regaling audiences, 
looking like a factory hand and shooting 
from the hip at his favorite targets, from 
Pillsbury to the nonunion Borders book- 
store. Nike’s affable Phil Knight is the 
only exploiter of cheap labor who con- 
sents to an in-your-face meeting. The Big 
One is the new name suggested by Moore 
for the U.S.A. as a greedy, antipeople 
machine motivated by the American 
dream of profit at any cost. His movie 
may overstate the case, but he gets 
laughs and makes his point at the same 
time. ¥¥¥/2 


In summer, the sun never sets in the 
bleak northern Norwegian town where 
Insomnia (First Run) takes place. Stellan 
Skarsgárd (the Swede who made his 
mark in Breaking the Waves and Good Will 
Hunting) stars as the neurotic, sleep-de- 
prived detective assigned to solve the 
case of a murdered woman. While track- 
ing down the killer, he inadvertently kills 
an associate and tries to conceal his own 
crime. Director Erik Skjoldbjaerg's taut, 
subtitled thriller has justifiably won in 
ternational praise for its stark and chilly 
style. УУУ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


The Big Lebowski (Reviewed 4/98) High 
comedy from the Coen bros. УУУУ 
The Big One (See review) Michael 
Moore once again gives big business 
the business. NN 
The Butcher Boy (See review) A bad, bad 
boy and how he grew worse. УУУ 
Dangerous Beauty (2/98) A Venetian 
courtesan several centuries ago. УУУ 
Deconstructing Harry (2/98) The women 
in his life go bananas when Woody 
puts them between covers. ША 
Four Days in September (2/98) A U.S. 

ambassador is seized in Brazil. УУУ 
The Gingerbread Man (3/98) Suspense 
by Grisham—with Branagh starring 
for Altman. yyy 
Insomnia (See review) Murder in a 
bleak Norwegian landscape. УУУ 
I Think I Do (See review) Former room- 
mates come out during a reunion 
with their college chums. yy 
Kundun (3/98) Scorsese directs a long, 
eye-filling bio of the Dalai Lama. YYY 
Love and Death on Long Island (4/98) 
John Hurt is first-rate as а novelist 
smitten with a male teen idol. % 
Men With Guns (4/98) John Sayles’ sub- 
titled South American saga. Wh 
Moon Over Broadway (4/98) Telling 
documentary about Carol Burnett 
preparing her return to the Broad- 
way stage. wy 
Nil by Mouth (4/98) England's darker 
side, directed by Gary Oldman. ¥¥ 
Post Coitum (See review) French wom- 
an freaks over her young lover. УУ» 
The Proposition (See review) Drama of a 
sperm donor thinking it's love. УУУ 
The Real Blonde (4/98) Singles swing on 
the New York merry-go-round. ¥¥¥ 
Sliding Doors (4/98) Parallel lives of 
Brit played by Gwyneth Paltrow. УУУУ; 
The Spanish Prisoner (See review) A 
tricky thriller from Mamet. % 
Suicide Kings (4/98) Chris Walken as а 
mobster kidnapped by preppies. ¥¥¥ 
Tomorrow Never Dies (3/98) Brosnan's 
007 is alive and well J2 
The Truce (See review ) John Turturro 
is an Italian Jew after Auschwitz. ¥¥ 
Two Girls and a Guy (4/98) Both his 
bedmates are waiting when blushing 
Robert Downey Jr. shows up. W/ 
Welcome to Woop Woop (See review) It’s 
a kinky town in the outback Y 
Without Limits (See review) As a late, 
great track star, Billy Crudup comes 
in a winner. УУУ 
Zero Effect (4/98) On the case of a 
kinky, one-of-a-kind private eye. ¥¥ 


УУ Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


УУУУ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


VIDEO 


GUEST ШІП 


For a guy who makes 
his living eschew- 
ing the conventional, 
Politically Incorrect's 
Bill Maher is most 
comfortable with 
home videos that 
have track records. “I 
prefer movies like 
The Godfather,” he says, “or Miller's 
Crossing or Some Like It Hot. | liked The 
Nutty Professor—the first one, though the 
second one was OK—and loved In the Line 
of Fire. Comedies have to be really good 
for me to rent them, because if you're 
watching one and you're not laughing, it’s 
painful." Maher is also a fan of "big, kick- 
ass action films" such as Face/Off, “but 
only if they have good plots—not just 
blowing up shit. And I'm a sucker for 
schmaltzy stuff that makes you cry," he 
says. "I mean, I'll cry at anything. | think I 
cried at Ace Ventura." — SUSAN KARLN 


VIDBITS 


Paul Robeson’s accomplishments ar 
numerable—college football hero, law 
school graduate, Broadway star, concert 
singer and political activist. But in honor 
of his 100th birthday, Kino on Video fo- 
cuses on his film work. The Paul Robeson 
Centennial Collection features four of the 
actor-activist's greatest productions, in- 
cluding the musicals Song of Freedom, Big 
Fella and Jericho, and Oscar Micheaux’s 
1924 silent, Body and Soul ($24.95 
each). That weird fad of the Nineties, 
féng shui (the 3000-year-old Chinese 
discipline of object placement), has 
made it to home video. Nine Star Pro- 
ductions' Féng Shui: Creating Environments 
for Success and Well-Being ($29.95) reveals, 
among other things, that angling your 
bed properly may improve your sex life, 
and finding that perfect power corner 
for your desk could bring the big bucks. 
Féng shui grand master Lin Yun hosts 


VIDEO G-STRING 


The Full Monty keeps you wondering un- 
tl the final frame if the amateur male 
strippers have the balls to show their 
willies. The film is a hoot, but women are 
more our cup of tease: 

Striptease (1996): Who cares about plot— 
and you really shouldn't—when you 
have the anatomically improbable $12.5 
million woman Demi Moore baring all? 
Showgirls (1995): Feisty Vegas wannabe 
Elizabeth Berkley performs the mother 
of all lap dances on supplicant Kyle 
MacLachlan. So bad it's a legend. 

Gypsy (1962): All Mama Rose wants for 


daughter Louise (Natalie Wood) is star- 
dom. She gets her wish when Louise 
lands at Minsky's burlesque as the leg- 
endary Gypsy Rose Lee. 

The Stripper (1963): Joanne Woodward 
gives up the topless shtick in Madam Ol- 
ga's show to live a normal, clothed life. 
The real Gypsy plays the madam. 

Blaze (1989): Louisiana governor Earl 
Long (Paul Newman) has it bad for Bal- 
timore gymnosophist Blaze Starr (Lolita 
Davidovich), but politics hates bedfel- 
lows in this ribald ride. Look for the real 
Blaze in a cameo. 

Exotica (1994): Atom Egoyan (The Sweet 
Hereafter) builds a complex plot around 
a creepy topless bar and mysterious 
stripper Mia Kirshner. Unnerving. 
Striporama (1954): Ecdysiasts Lili St. Cyr, 
Bettie Page and Georgia Sothern co-star 
as three gals trying to convince ministers 
of culture that striptease is a national in- 
stitution, We vote yes. 

Assault of the Killer Bimbos (1987): A go-go 
dancer is fired after the bananas peel off 
her bra; murder and mayhem follow. 
Great title, anywa 
Stripshow (1996): Tempting veteran strip- 
per Tane McClure takes Monique Parent 
under her soft, gently perfumed wing to 
teach her the topless business. Guess 
who passes with straight A's? 

The Dark Dancer (1995): PLAYBOY cover fa- 
vorite Shannon Tweed is a feminist psy- 
chologist by day and an erotic dancer by 
night. Taking new patients, Shan? 
Stripped to Kill (1987): Detective Kay Lenz 
goes undercover—without undies or 
Covers—to find out who's killing Los An- 


X-RATED 
VIDEO OF 
THE MONTH 


Postapocalyptic horn- 
dogs thaw out a cryo- 
genically frozen cheer- 
leader for their sex 


cabaret їп Café Flesh 2 

(УСА), the sequel to the 

XXX futuristic cult favorite. Director Anto- 
nio Passolini (Shock, Latex) keeps the heat 
high with plenty of gloss, style and bizarre 
couplings. Dur faves: the lady matador and 
her horned bull, and the French hooker 
who hates mimes but boffs them anyway. | 


geles’ exotic dancers. Very Eighties. 

5.О.В. (1981): “I am going to show my 
boobies,” says once pristine Julie An- 
drews in this Hollywood parody, and she 
does. Nice ones, too. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


Voyager's Criterion Collection release of 
Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979, $60) is 
brought to new hilarity by commentary 
from the Pythonites themselves. . . . War- 
ner's reissue of Billy Wilder's masterful 
Spirit of St. Lovis (1957, $40) is finally in 
wide-screen with two trailers and Franz 
Waxman's memorable score in rich 
stereo. ... Pioneer's Special Edition of one 
Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975, $120), 
packaged in a handsome book jacket, in- 
cludes a brilliant 90-minute making-of 
documentary. —GREGORY P FAGAN 


Boogie Nights (sharp spin on Seventies porno-chic ero; 
standouts: Reynolds’ big heart, Wahlberg's big dick), The 
Devil's Advocate (Satan's law firm makes Keanu an assaci 
ate; Pacina is hyperperfect as the boss fram hell). 


Seven Years in Tibet (Nazi climber Brad Pitt treks ta the Dalai 
Lama; scenic but made B. Williamson's ten worst list), Red 
Corner (Yank lawyer Gere wakes next fo dead lady in Beijing; 


Gattaca (naturally spawned Ethan Hawke hides out in test 
tube-birth warld; Uma shines amid Orwellian glaam), Star- 
ship Troopers (Earth's buffest space cadets vs. blimp-sized 
bugs; nihilistic spectacle fram Paul Verhoeven). 


From Kina: Expresso Bongo (1960) (sleazy Landan agent 
turns coffeehouse drumbeater inta teen sensation; swingin’), 
Beat Girl (1962) (wild teen temptress descends inta world of 
strippers and hepcats; classic bad-girl fare). 


ROCK 

Van Halen Ill (Warner Bros.) is the album 
Eddie Van Halen fans have been hoping 
for since 1984. Since that landmark al- 
bum, Eddie had seemingly become a 
sideman, dropping a few dazzling lines 
into Sammy Hagar's party-hardy syn- 
thesizer pop. Alter Van Halen's brief re- 
union with David Lee Roth went sour, 
Sammy also left the band. Eddie has tak- 
en advantage of these changes to rein- 
vent himself. His guitar is once again 
center stage on Fire in the Hole and From 
Afar, which include fresh and often spec- 
tacular multiple solos. Without You, the 
first single, is tame considering what's to 
come. One I Want has the rhythmic fire of 
Panama, while the incendiary instrumen- 
tal intro to Ballot or the Bullet recalls the 
pyrotechnics of Eruption. The big ques- 
tion is how fans will react to the new vo- 
calist, Gary Cherone. Cherone sounds 
uncannily like Hagar, only with less blus- 
ter. His lyricism is his strongest contri- 
bution, a complement to Eddie's more 
focused playing. It takes guts for a 41- 
year-old mainstream musician to give up 
the safe route and really challenge him- 
self and his fans, Van Halen Ш shows Ed- 
die pushing the envelope. 

МІС GARBARINI 


From Adelaide, Australia, Superjesus 
plays rock and roll in a standard four- 
picce lineup: two guitars, bass and 
drums. The guitars roar, the bass and 
drums provide propulsion, and no- 
body's messing around with computers. 
And the band is really good on its debut 
album, Sumo (Warner Bros.). Maybe we 
have a new category: neo-alternative. 
Vocalist Sarah McLeod manages to hit 
the right notes and emotions without re- 
sorting to histrionics or to using sandpa- 
per on her vocal cords. Her blend of 
earnestness and unsentimental reflec- 
tion adds up to charm. Lead guitarist 
Chris Tennent can write, play and 
arrange both the killer riff and the stir- 
ring chord progression, of which there. 
are often more than one per song. 

The Dropkick Murphys celebrate 
working class solidarity on Do or Die 
(Hellcat/Epitaph). Playing major chords 
with booming, sing-along choruses, the 
band offers some of the most invigorat- 
ing first-generation-style punk since the 
first generation of punk. And its use of 
bagpipes captures the ferocious essence 
of the instrument better than any folk 
band could. — CHARLES M. YOUNG. 


R&B 


Bill Withers is one of the more under- 
appreciated singer-songwriters of the 


24 Seventies. On several pop hits (Use Me, 


Hail to Van Halen Ill. 


Van Halen rocks, 
Superjesus bangs and Bill 
Withers still delivers. 


Lean on Me, Ain't No Sunshine, Grandma's 
Hands), Withers had a working-class, al- 
most folk perspective on life that ran 
counter to the love-man flair of other 
African American singers. Moreover, 
Withers’ strong suit was a melancholy 
sense of loss. Yet as his Live at Carnegie Hall 
(Columbia Legacy) illustrates, Withers 
sadly reflective tales could be invigorat- 
ing and pretty damn funky. Recorded in 
1972 with an all-star band (including the 
brilliant drummer James Gadson), this 
14-song set includes Withers’ hits as well 
as many other wonderful tracks. Better 
Off Dead is the tale of a man contemplat- 
ing suicide in the wake of a ruptured 
love affair. / Can't Write Left-Handed 
chronicles a failed friendship that culmi- 
in a shooting. Hope She'll Be Happi- 
er is a look at a fractured marriage that 
suggests the narrator may have abused 
his wife. More like a country or blues 
writer, Withers revels in exploring life’s 
darker moments. His voice is warm, 
forceful and direct. — —NELSON GEORGE 


BLUES 


Dock Boggs’ music isn’t folk, despite a 
preponderance of traditional songs on 
Country Blues (Revenant). This music is 
singular, visionary and dark. It is also 
some of the most powerful ever record- 
ed. Boggs was a coal miner and banjo 
player from Kentucky and Vi who 
recorded in the late Twenties, and he 
sings like a rattlesnake. His blues don't 


take the form's joyful side, so even Sugar 
Baby is sung in mourning. The murder 
ballad Pretty Polly becomes encyclopedic 
in its loathing. Boggs is consumed with 
resentment for all the comfort and plea- 
sure he can't have. This is the voice of 
Appalachian misery—poor, depleted, 
proud to a righteous fault—the voice of 
a man with nothing to lose, a man dan- 
gerous to those who have more than he 
does. Odd, isn’t it, that such misan- 
thropy inspired this lovingly document- 
ed set, with extensive notes by Greil 
Marcus and folklorist Jon Pankake? But 
then, in Dock Boggs” world, you don't 
just take love where you find it, you have 
to go where it takes you. 

Goin’ Way Back (Just a Memory, 5455 


¿ rue Paré, Suite 101, Montreal, Quebec 


H4P 1P7) presents the great Chicago 
bluesmen Muddy Waters and Otis 
Spann with acoustic guitars in a Montre- 
al boarding house 31 years ago. The 
sound is somewhat distorted; the fidelity 
of the music and the emotions behind it 
are pristine. A major find. —pave MARSH 


RAP 


Puff Daddy's latest protégés, the Lox, 
made their national debut on We'll Al- 
ways Love Big Poppa, a tribute to the No- 
torious B.I.G. The trio of David Styles, 
Sean Sheek Jacobs and Jason Jadakiss 
Phillips already have an underground 
rep in New York. Their debut, Money, 
Power & Respect (Bad Boy/Arista), will 
surely expand their appeal, as it features 
Puff's successful formula of recognizable 
samples, sung choruses and rhymes. if 
You Think I'm Jiggy takes up Rod Stewart's 
Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? My favorite is the ti- 
tle cut, which showcases a guest appear- 
ance by the irrepressible Lil’ Kim. 

—NELSON GEORGE 


It's amazing that there aren't more 
down-to-earth hip-hop albums like 
Comm 5 One Day It'll All Moke Sense 
(Relativity). Then again maybe it's amaz- 
ing that there's even one—and that it 
will actually sell. The jaw-dropper? Ret- 
rospect for Life, featuring the Fugees' Lau- 
ryn Hill, about the emotional complexity 
of abortion. — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


WORLD 


"The frenetic, soulful wailing of Nusrat 
Fateh Ali Khan is only one of many styles 
of music from the Sufi spiritual tradi- 
tion. A more contemplative example can 
be found on Mevlana: Music of the Whirling 
Dervishes (EMI/Hemisphere). This is the 
traditional vocal and instrumental music 
of the Sema that prompts the ecstatic 
dance of Turkish dervishes. The sound 


$45 or 250 (-Nores 


Іш Barnes spent most of his days on a beam, 10 stories 
above Manhattan. On frosty winter mornings he would 
check the thermometer at the corner news stand so he'd 
know what temperature to expect up there. We have a lot of 
respect for Lou. The towers he helped build will be around a 
long time. And we figured his thermometer should be too. 


$40 or 200 (-Nores 


Betsy Hatherford was not exactly the quiet type. She told 
brilliant stories. She knew the words to every song on 
the radio. And she always kept a drink stashed in her 
garter to share with friends. Everywhere she went, men 
fell madly in love with her. Maybe it was her combustible 
charm, or her big dark eyes. Or maybe it was her flask. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


$28 or 150 (-Nores 


ы Ford and Jack McGovern flew 35 missions together in 
Europe, Maybe the only thing they loved more than 
their airplane was pinup girls. Their bunk was plastered 
with them. fo was the fuselage of their plane. Jack still 
carries a Zippo’ lighter with a pinup girl on it. He won it in a 
poker game from Earl, though Earl still claims he cheated, 


Jl 
$43 00225 Cllores 


Down in Miami, there's a bartender named Dean Miles 
who's become something of an underground celebrity. Not 
because he makes movies or rock videos, but because he 
makes martinis and gimlets - some say the best on the 
planet. His loyal fans say his cocktail shaker is destined for 
the bartenders’ hall of fame. And we couldn't agree more. 


TIMELESS’ CAMEL/COLLECTIBLES 


CAMEL CASH 


TimELESSI COLECTA ES 1913-1998 


THE STORY OF CAMEL. THE STORY OF THE 20" CENTURY. 
SEE THEM UNFOLD IN THE NEW CAMEL CASH CATALOG. 


Throughout the years, Camel has been an indelible part of American culture. And in honor of our 85th anniversary, 
we're bringing back over 50 of the most memorable Camel Collectibles - representing nearly every era of the 


20th Century up to the present day, 


; 


Cicarerre Case wire ент “Саме. Praamıo" Tirany Lanp Orientat Woonen Box (aner Neon Sian Cane Lava Lanp 
$30 or 155 Notes $145 or goo (NOTES $75 ов 400 (- NOTES $160 or 1000 C-Nores $55 on 325 CNores 
YOU CAN ACQUIRE THEM 


WITH YOUR CAMEL CASH C-NOTES. OR, FOR THE 
FIRST TIME EVER, WITH REAL MONEY. 


Look for the new Camel Cash Catalog at participating Camel retailers ог call 1-800-CAMEL CASH. 


OFFER RESTRICTED TO SMOKERS 21 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER. 
SHIPPING AND HANDLING CHARGES WILL BE ADDED TO ALL ORDERS. 


© 1998 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette CAMEL LIGHTS 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


11 mg. "tar", 0.9 mg. nicotine 
av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


of the ney, a reed flute, alternates with 
vocal passages that have a serene and 
stately beauty. 

Enya is more a world music artist than 
a New Age doodler. Her ethereal hymns 
and gorgeous melodies are grounded by 
her earthy, Celtic sense of harmony and 
rhythm. And the fact that she overdubs 
each vocal upwards of 50 times creates 
an organic feel that machines can't du- 
plicate. Paint the Sky With Stars: The Best of 
Enyo (Reprise) includes 14 of her most 
melodic dreamscapes, such as Caribbean 
Blue and Orinoco Flow. --УІС GARBARINI 


JAZZ 


In 1966, just before his theme for Mis- 
sion Impossible became famous, pianist 
Lalo Schifrin made the wildest classical- 
plus-jazz album ever. At 32 minutes, The 
Dissection and Reconstruction of Music From 
the Past as Performed by the Inmates of Lalo 
Schifrin’s Demented Ensemble as a Tribute to 
the Memory of the Marquis de Sade, finally 
reissued on Verve, runs barely as long as 
its title. But it's a little-known gem. With 
witty juxtapositions of string quartet and 
avant-garde flute, Bach-era themes and 
boogaloo harpsichord, Schifrin really 
swings. —NEIL TESSER 


COUNTRY 


One nice thing about Shania Twain's 
Come On Over (Mercury) is that it obliter- 
ates the issue of authenticity. The Cana- 
dian-born beauty's 1995 Woman in Me 
has now sold 10 million units, outstrip- 
ping all Nashville product this side of 
Garth Brooks'. But because its big bal- 
lads share more with Celine Dion than 
with Tammy Wynette, some challenged 
‘Twain's country bona fides. Since then 
she has opted for a pop makeover. Billed 
as a simple follow-up, Come On Over is in 
fact a far perkier album, a full hour of 
uptempo tunes, many with noncountry 
keyboard hooks. Authentic country it 
ain't; enticing it is. Feisty and ready for 
fun, Twain occasionally sounds willing to 
separate sex from romance, which 
ways a good way for a woman to gain 
male admirers. Yet she never seems like 
a pushover—an essential touch if she 
wants to keep them. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


No one can question Delbert McClin- 
ton's qualifications as an R&B singer. 
The Texas native cut his raspy chops 
playing harmonica with Lightnin’ Hop- 
kins and Joe Tex. But McClinton turns 
Nashville on its ear with One of the Fortu- 
nate Few (Rising Tide), a country album 
with soul. For starters, Mavis Staples de- 
livers pleading backing vocals on the 
swampy Somebody to Love You, and B.B 
King jumps in to provide piercing notes 
on Leap of Faith, The cresting gospel bal- 
lad Sending Me Angels includes Vince Gill 
on high harmony. —DAVE HOEKSTRA 


FAST TRACKS 


Christgau | Garbarini 
Dock Boggs 
Country Blues 9 7f 7 10 9. 
Superjesus 
Sumo 3 7 9 5 8 
Shania Twoin 
Come On Over 8 6 7 2 6 
Von Holen 
Von Halen Ill 4 10 8 4 ТА 
Bill Withers 
Live ot Comegie Hall 9 7 10 9 8 


TO FORGIVE 15 DIVINE DEPARTMENT: Pat 
Boone, who angered the Christian 
right with his CD In a Metal Mood, has 
been forgiven by his critics. Pat Robert- 
son welcomed him back publicly on 
Christmas Eve. Praise the Lord—and, 
Pat, some new ammunition? 

REELING AND ROCKING: SLC Punk, a 
movie about the only two known 
punk rockers in Salt Lake City, will 
Star Annobeth Gish. . . . Michael Nesmith 
is writing the script for the movie ver- 
sion of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the 
Galaxy, expected in theaters during 
the summer of 2000. . . . Jonathan Rich- 
man composed and sang the title song 
for There's Something About Mary, star- 
ring Cameron Diaz, Matt Dillon and Ben 
Stiller, due in theaters in July. 

NEWSBREAKS: Get a copy of Stompbox: 
A History of Guitar Fuzzes, Flangers, 
Phasers, Echoes & Wahs (Miller Free- 
man Books) by stompboxologist Art 
Thompson, who explains the electric 
guitar devices that flavored some of 
the most important music of the Six- 
ties. Ihe Hendrix family has autho- 
rized the rerelease of the only Band of 
Gypsies album ever recorded. Now in 
stores, the CD features original art- 
work, rare photos and liner notes. 
Hint to those born too late: This is the 
band Jimi assembled with Buddy Miles 
and Billy Cox. Fans can make their 
own compilation albums by choosing 
from the more than 100,000 songs on 
the Web site www.customdisc.com. 
Consumers can pick ten tracks (up to 
70 minutes of music) for $20 plus 
shipping. Customdisc estimates that it 
will take an average of 15 minutes for 
fans to make their own di Have 
you checked out David Bowie's art 
gallery on the Web? The address is 
www.bowieartcom. He's selling his 
own work, signed and unsigned. . . . 
Robert Plont and Jimmy Page will release 
a studio album prior to the kickoff of 


their 1998 50-city tour. The album 
will be basic: guitars, bass, drums and 
vocals—classic rock and roll. .. For- 
mer Jefferson Airplane member Jorma 
Kaukonen has opened his farm in 
Athens, Ohio to a music school. Guest 
instructors will include Rory Block, G.E. 
Smith, Chris Smither, Dan Erlewine, Jack 
Cosady and Pete Sears. They will teach 
guitar, bass, dobro, keyboards, drums, 
sound engineering and guitar repair. 
The fees are $350 for weekend work- 
shops and $700 for a week, meals and 
lodging included. Camp is in session 
between April and October. For more 
information, call Ginger or Vanessa at 
Fur Peace Ranch, 614-742-2105. The 
kicker: Illicit drugs or alcohol will get 
you expelled without a refund. 
Spring events to keep an eye out for: 
New CDs from Bonnie Raitt, Garbage 
and Kiss and a possible reunion tour 
from x. Warner Bros. is the new 
distributor of the PBS record label. 
Under their agreement, Warner will 
finance two music specials a year and 
distribute six to ten PBS programs. 
Two Warner acts, Fleetwood Mac and 
John Fogerty, already have PBS spe- 
cials, but Warner hopes to expose au- 
diences to lesser-known artists. 
The Houston Ballet performed Roost- 
er set to the Rolling Stones classic 
cuts. . . As Elvis is studied at the Uni- 
versity of Mississippi, Bob Dylan was 
the subject of an academic seminar at 
Stanford that featured Dylan experts 
talking about how Bob's lyrics have 
influenced contemporary affairs, how 
his work fits in with the Beats and his 
impact since the Sixties. One English 
professor said Dylan doesn’t warrant 
serious study, but recent research re- 
veals that freshmen are falling asleep 
in class more than ever before. A cho- 
тиз of “Everybody must get stoned” 
ought to wake them right ир. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


25 


26 


BOOKS 


BETWEEN ROCK AND A HARD PLACE 


Did you ever wonder who that girl is on the cover of Bob Dyl- 
an’s Freewheelin’ album? In his new novel, The Rich Man's Table 
(Knopf), Scott Spencer imagines that she and Dylan had a 
son. Their kid is obsessed with piec- 
ing together his fa- 
0). аз з ara) cd 
getting him to own ир 
to fatherhood. This 
thinly veiled story of 
Dylan's life is an intrigu- 
ing satirical take on the 
meaning of fame. The 
absence of meaning is 
the subject of Douglas 
Coupland's Girlfriend in 
a Coma (Regan Books) 


the song by the Smiths.) 
Narrated by a ghost (don’t 
ask), the novel tells the tale 
of a woman who goes into 
a coma while pregnant in 


1979 and wakes up with a 
teenage daughter in 1997. A novel about the end of the world, 
deftly and comically told, Girlfriend battles purposelessness 
with a sense of humor. 


—DAVID STANDISH 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


When man first scrawled pictures an cave walls, he was pre- 
occupied with the ladies. Even a caveman would love these 
books. Jalaja Bonheim's Goddess 
(Stewart, Tabari & Chang) is a toast to 
the ies, illustrated with elegant, 
ings. A dark sensuality is 
explored in Meri Lao's Sirens: Symbols 
of Seduction (Park Street) as she traces 
the bewitching wamen who tempted 
Hamer, Euripides, James Joyce and 
Yeats. Gifted storyteller Isabel Allende 
whips up aphrodisiac recipes, spells, 
incantations 
and anecdotes 
that will entice your laver in 
Aphrodite: A Memoir of the Senses 
(Harper Callins). In The Quest for Hu- 
man Beauty (Nortan), an illustrated 
four af aur preaccupatian with physi- 
cal beauty, Julian Rabinson looks at 
piercing, tattoaing and even wearing 
ties as he ex- 
amines aur de- 
sires for ritual in sexual attractian. 
Marco Glaviana’s gorgeous callection 
of phatagraphs of modern Sirens 
(Callaway), including Cindy Craw- 
ford, Stephanie Seymour, Paulina 
Porizkova, Claudia Schiffer, Eva 
Herzigova and Angie Everhart, lets 
you be a 20th century vayeur in your 
амп cave. —HELEN FRANGOULIS 


(The title is cribbed from 7F 


LAUGHERS 


‘Transplanting comedy from the stage to the page is big, 
though risky, business. There's no guarantee of crossover ap: 
peal. But even the most unlikely celebrity-authored humor 
books have become moneymakers for book publishers. High- 
profile funnymen such as Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Paul 
Reiser and Tim Allen have successfully tapped literature lit 
thus inspiring many of their contemporaries to do likewise. 
Some of the most recent crop include: 

Drew Carey's Dirty Jokes and Beer: Stories of the Unrefined (Hy- 
perion) derives much of its character from Carey's stand-up 
act (not his TV show), which has this as its main premi 
Carey is the raconteur and we are his drinking buddies. For 

the most part, this supposition works well on the page. But 
05 lest teetotalers feel excluded, some 

content is less proprietary—includ- 

= ing a section of dark fiction and the 
funniest chapter, devoted entirely 
to big-dick jokes. A sample: "My 
dick is so big, movie theaters now 
serve popcorn in small, medium, 
large and My Dick.” Tracey Ull- 
man presents more of a challenge 

, with Tracey Takes On 
(Hyperion), a compan- 

ion to her HBO series of 
the same name. In this 
book, as in her act, Ull- 
man is rarely herself. Most 
of the time, readers must con- 
tend with the voices of 16 vastly 
different characters. Taking on Takes On requires readers to 
have a healthy imagination and perhaps a few acting lessons. 
Laughing Matters (Random House), veteran comedy scribe Lar- 
ry Gelbart's just-published memoir, is not so much a humor 
book as a book on humor. Appropriately mapped out in script 
form, there are acts instead of sections, scenes instead of chap- 
ters. Readers, especially those with a soft spot for such Gelbart 
classics as MASH, Oh, God! and Tootsie, will appreciate the au- 
thor's pithy insights and professional zeal. “I love to writ 

says. “I would write in the shower, if someone came out with a 

laptop on a rope.” Letters From а Nut (Avon) is a Jerry Sein- 

feld—prefaced (some say written—Seinfeld denies it) collection. 

of outlandish correspondence from the loony mind of Ted L. 

Nancy. No matter how they're read, many of these embar- 

rassingly ridiculous missives (and the equally ridiculous re- 

sponses they provoke) sent to hotels, 
corporations and magazines, 
will make you laugh. “Dear Star 

magazine,” reads one, “I have a 

corn on my foot that resem- 

bles Shelley Fabares.” 
—MIKE THOMAS 


ОМ THE RIGHT TREK: 

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28 


HEALTH & FITNESS 


PASS THE 
HERBS, HONEY 


With people taking 
melatonin to get over 
jet lag and St. John's 
wort to cheer up, is it 
any wonder that men 
have hit the health 
food store to perk up 
their sex lives? And 
they may be onto something, according to Dr. Harold Bloom- 
field, a Yale-trained psychiatrist and author of the recently 
published Healing Anxiety With Herbs. After seeing his patients 
respond well to St. John's wort (rather than Prozac), Dr 
Bloomfield looked into the sexual benefits derived from herbs 
and came up with the following advice. 

Suffering from general fatigue and low sexual energy? 
Bloomfield suggests you try panax ginseng for a couple of 
months. If you're still not feeling up to speed, add avena sati- 
va, which one study claims doubles the amount of testosterone 
in men. If you're over 40, adding regular doses of ginkgo bilo- 
ba will also perk up things. 

What if you're the stressed-out type who wants to boost his 
bedplay? Bloomfield has hope for you, too. Try taking Siberi- 
an ginseng regularly—it's less stimulating than panax. Add a 
dose of valerian root (it not only relaxes you but also increas- 
es blood flow to the penis) and kava one hour before lov 
making. Whichever herbs you choose, buy them at a rep- 
utable outlet (such as Great Earth or GNC) and follow the 
dosage instructions. 

Forget about yohimbé, by the way. It helps some men who 
suffer from impotence, but it's useless for the average guy. 
Stay away from damiana as well— Bloomfield says there isn't 
enough research to risk taking it. If you're trying to put her 

in the mood, try aromathera- 
py, especially the scent of ros- 
єз. And while it may sound 
odd, eating chocolate and 
honey right before having sex 
stimulates arousal in both 
men and women. Besides, it 
tastes great. 


SWEAT IT OUT 


It trickles down your sides, 

soaking shirt and shorts, 

sluicing away pounds and 

toxins. Yes, sweat is a 

blessed bodily fluid—if you 
leave it behind at the gym. 
New York City dermatologist 
Jonathan Zizmor warns that 
“sweat gets trapped in the sweat glands and may get infected 
with bacteria. Sweat bumps may then develop and a heat rash 
may ensue. 

What to do? First, shower after exercising. Tepid water is 
best, since hot water makes you sweat more. Men with oily 
skin should wash with an antibacterial cleanser. Try products 
that are designed to treat oily skin (such as those by Clearasil 
or Oxy). Crunch Fitness Centers (as cute with their a 
above, as they are with their product) have developed a nat- 
ural shower gel with tea tree oil, antimicrobial aloe and an- 
tioxidant vitamins A and E. Men with dry skin should use a 
moisturizing soap, rinse well and then apply moisturizer. With 
proper care, your skin can look as good as your body. More 
important, it will stay healthy. 


Sticky Dick: Crunch ad 


SUMMERTIME AND THE 
WORKOUTS ARE EASY 


It's not too early to plan new ways to enjoy the outdoors and 
get in shape. Try rowing, a low-impact exercise that tones ab- 
dominal muscles and increases overall body strength. Glide 
across rivers and lakes, encounter birds and fish in their nat- 
ural habitats and check out the shoreline as you go. To get 
started, call your local rowing club. This time of year most 
clubs offer novice classes and can get you in a recreational 
shell, which is durable enough to strap to the roof of your RV. 
Get in the mood by attending any number of major rowing 
events this spring, including the Dad Vail Regatta on the 
Schuylkill River in Philadelphia, May 8 and 9. With as many 


Manatee workout: You swimmin’ with me? 


as 4000 competitors and 50,000-plus spectators, this is the 
largest collegiate rowing event in the world. For more infor- 
mation, Call 215-248-2600. 

Foran exotic water adventure, try swimming with a 10-foot, 
1500-pound manatee. The endangered mammal may not be 
the prettiest creature in the sea (it looks like a cross between a 
walrus and Mr. Potato Head), but it’s a remarkable experience 
(and physically invigorating) to keep pace with this rare ani- 
mal. Several Florida companies have licensed captains and 
follow federal guidelines for interacting with manatees. For 
info, call Birds Underwater at 352-563-2763. 


DR. PLAYBOY 


Q: To pump up, my workout friends swear by creatine. 
What exactly is it, and is it safe? 

A: Creatine is an amino acid produced in the 
liver, kidneys and pancreas. It is stored 

in muscle cells and acts as an en- 

ergy source. Creatine supplements, 

sold in powder, capsule or candy form, 

are widely used by athletes and have be- 
come a $100 million industry. By boost- 

ing levels of creatine in muscles, the sup- 
plements enable you to work out more 
vigorously and eventually increase your 
strength and muscle mass. But while manu- 
facturers say creatine has no side effects, 
some users have reported nausea, diarrhea, 
dehydration, cramps and muscle pulls. The 
bottom line: Creatine's long-term effects 
have never been studied, so be careful. If you 
decide to use it, buy from a reputable dealer, 
adhere to the recommended dosage (about 
five grams daily) and drink at least 12 glasses 
of water a day. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 160. 


~ THE FRESHNESS OF GINSENG — Руд. М! 
beg | تع‎ 
CAPTURED IN A NEW ENERGIZING FRAGRANCE FOR МЕМезё — 


7 JOVAN GINSENG N:R:G- 
= 


Е 
© A - 


| ws 


WOMAN. 


CREATIVE, 


INTUITIVE, 


MYSTICAL 


AND 


MAGICAL. 


NOKOMIS. THE FRAGRANCE THAT SPEAKS TO A WOMAN’S SOUL. 


МЕМ 


live one block east of Chris Farley's 

condominium in Chicago, and I 
used to see him around town from time 
to time, though those were never pleas- 
ant occasions for me. Watching Farley 
glad-hand his way through a restaurant 
or bounce around a crowd in a bar most- 
ly made me feel embarrassed for him. 

Inappropriate as it would have been, I 
often wanted to go up to him, slap him 
around a little and tell him to straighten 
out, tell him he wasn't funny when he 
lost control, tell him that he should be 
accountable for his actions. “Do you real- 
ize how many guys are imitating you?" I 
wanted to ask him. “Do you understand 
the power you have?” Call it the drill in- 
structor in me, but understand that it 
was painful for me—a man who has had 
many of his own excesses—to watch Far- 
ley remind me of my lesser self as he 
went slowly down the tubes. 

Whenever I saw Farley, he was a mess 
to look at, a walking Pig Pen, hair tou- 
sled, face flushed, belly hanging over his 
belt, manic in his behavior, always on- 
stage, the king of pratfalls who tried to 
make everybody laugh by making a fool 
of himself. Given his posture as a wild 
man, and given the well-founded ru- 
mors I heard about his gargantuan drug 
consumption, I wasn't shocked to learn 
that Chris Farley had overdosed on co- 
caine and morphine in his condomini- 
um. Indeed, he seemed to me to be ad- 
diction’s poster child. 

To this day I wish his friends and fam- 
ily had been able to make him face his 
demons. But I also understand that Far- 
ley was an adult who made his own 
choices and controlled his own destiny. 
He called the shots and took the drugs— 
the devil didn't make him do a thing. “A 
man is responsible for his own face and 
fate after the age of 21,” a friend of mine 
used to say, and I buy it. I’m not saying I 
like the truth of that statement, but you 
can't really argue with it. 

But Farley's death made me think 
again about the subject of men and ad- 
diction. If his passing is to be beneficial 
to us at all, perhaps it should be in this. 
way: that we examine ourselves more 
closely and root out the reasons behind 
our sometimes crazy behavior—and 
pledge not to follow Farley's example of 
self-destruction. 

Addiction is not a subject we talk about 
much, but most of us have had our 
struggles with one bad habit or another, 


By ASA BABER 


ADDICTION 
POSTER CHILD 


whether it is food or caffeine or nicotine 
or sex or exercise or the so-called harder 
drugs. We are almost always secretive 
about it. Our addictions take many 
forms, but we tend to deny them: "Ad- 
dicted? Hey, I can quit any time I want 
to. I just don't want to yet." 

Sound familiar? 

Here, for what it's worth, are four rea- 
sons why I think addiction sings its siren 
song so effectively to us men. Some of 
what follows may seem to be quirky or 
eccentric, but it is based on my personal 
experiences. If the quartet of quotes that 
follows is true for you, I submit that you 
probably have an addictive personality. 
Take a look at yourself in the mirror and 
acknowledge your tendencies. In that 
acknowledgment, I believe, you will find 
the beginning of honesty and eventual 
healing. 

(1) “Т distinctly remember the first time I 
did my drug of choice.” If this quote rings 
true, it is a major clue. If, on the first hit, 
a drug seems to light up your psyche like 
a bolt of lightning, watch out, because it 
probably will nail you to the wall. For 
example, I clearly remember the first 
drink of liquor I ever had—and sure 
enough, alcohol became a major prob- 
lem for me for many years. Drinking 
made me less shy and more energetic. 
On the other hand, marijuana gave me a 
headache and heroin, which I tried as a 


boy, made me violently ill. The result? 
No trouble with those two drugs later on 
in my life. In general, addiction stakes its 
claim early and powerfully—or not at all. 

(2) “I had big problems with my father 
when I was growing up.” This could have 
gone at the top of my list. For most boys, 
nothing is more traumatic than serious 
conflict with their fathers. When this 
most fundamental of relationships goes 
wrong—when we cannot get the support 
and approval we need from our fa- 
thers—our lives darken and our behav- 
ior reflects it. In the U.S., 72 percent of 
adolescents charged with murder and 60 
percent of rapists grew up without their 
fathers. And although it has not been ad- 
equately studied, the number of father- 
less men who engage in severely addic- 
tive behaviors is also huge. Lose a dad, 
get sad, go mad. That's my rap on the 
subject, and maybe one day this culture 
will do something about it. 

(3) "From my earliest years, I've been look- 
ing for heaven on earth.” Let's call it your 
search for nirvana. My dictionary de- 
fines nirvana as “a place or state of obliv- 
ion to care, pain or external reality.” 
Again, I ask: Sound familiar? Have you 
been looking for that place for most of 
your life? I believe that most addicts are 
оп a spiritual search. They really are 
looking for something akin to the great 
hereafter, and they flirt with death to 
find it. Misguided, romantic, foolish, 
needful, they think they can escape from 
the world by artificial means. And they 
snort, shoot, drink, pop or smoke those 
means as they try to leave their pain and 
find their refuge. At first, it works. But 
then it doesn't. 

(4) “I was sexualized at an early age.” 
Let's be honest, gentlemen. This one 
makes sense to most of us. We are aware 
of our sexuality much earlier in our lives 
than this culture can handle. We can 
have erections before our families or 
friends realize the change in us. But our 
sexuality is neither understood nor rec- 
ognized, and we live solitary lives filled 
with masturbation and fantasy. For many 
of us, eventual experimentation with 
drugs and other addictive escapes be- 
come ways out of sexual frustration and 
loneliness. 

To paraphrase a man of our times: If 
these quotes fit, you must admit. And if 
you admit, it's a start 


29 


MONEY MATTERS 


By CHRISTOPHER BYRON 


S uddenly it seems everyone is upset 
about the D word. 

But in this column I'll explain how 
you can actually make some money from 
deflation: Tune out the white noise and 
focus on promising “noncommodity” 
stocks—those of companies that don't 
rely on rising prices to make a profit. 
Stay away from companies in the oil 
business, say, or those in metals and 
foods, and this phony scare over the D 
word will leave you utterly unscathed. 
To see why, let's begin with a bit of back- 
ground as to what's really behind all 
these deflationary alarums. 

The fears have been uncorked by the 
financial crisis in Asia. The problem 
boiled up last summer when some spec- 
ulators, led by financier George Soros, 
ganged up on the Thailand currency 
and pounded it into the ground. That 
set off a chain reaction in other Asian 
economies, causing a business slowdown 
throughout the region. Since Asia is built 
on borrowed money, this quickly trans- 
lated into bankruptcies from Korea to 
Malaysia, forcing prices to fall as well, 

Because much of what these countries 
export—in particular, computer parts, 
textiles and cars—winds up in the U.S., 
economists quickly concluded that low- 
er import prices from Asia would pull 
down the price level in America, where 
the rise in consumer prices has been 
barely noticeable anyway. 

The Cassandras now include even 
Federal Reserve chairman Alan Green- 
span. Having devoted much of his Wash- 
ington carcer to hectoring the business 
community about inflation, Greenspan 
switched signals in January in a speech 
before the American Economic Associa- 
tion and began to warn of the perils 
lurking in the opposite financial situa- 
tion. If prices were to start dropping so 
sharply as to undercut business prof- 
itability, Greenspan warned, interest 
rates would fall to zero to stimulate bor- 
rowing. Yet as falling prices increased 
the value of money, currency would be 
transformed into a kind of fool's gold 
that people would hoard under their 
mattresses. Real estate values would 
tumble, commerce and trade would dry 
up and the entire financial system would 
collapse. Oh hell, it would be a mess. 

Unfortunately, in all the hand-wring- 
ing about life as we know it getting 
sucked into a black hole, one minor de- 


30 tail keeps getting overlooked. Much of 


DEFLATION: THREAT 
OR MENACE? 


the price deflation likely to be imported 
from Asia will be good for the U.S. econ- 
omy. Reduced Asian prices would actual- 
ly benefit many technology companies 
(which collectively dominate trade with 
Asia). Lower import prices would stimu- 
late consumer spending, boost U.S. in- 
vestment and improve living standards 
for everyone. 

The truth is, only those companies in 
ез businesses that compete di- 
rectly with Asia are really vulnerable in 
the Big Implosion scenario. And frankly, 
there just aren’t enough of those compa- 
nies to get excited about it. The markets 
of Asia are important to the U.S., but 
they're not that important. In the case of 
the U.S. computer industry the expo- 
Sure may well turn out to be beneficial. 

That's because nearly every major 
American computer and components 
manufacturer now does at least some— 
and in a number of cases, most—of 
its manufacturing and assembly work 
abroad, typically in a country such as 
Singapore, Malaysia or South Korea. In- 
tel Corp.. which supplies 90 percent of 
the processor chips for PC and PC-com- 
patible computers sold in the U.S., cur- 
rently has less than ten percent of its 
worldwide manufacturing facilities in 
the Philippines and Malaysia. 

But that doesn't mean weakening 
prices in those countries will automati- 


cally translate into trouble for Intel— 
quite the contrary. Intel's profit margins 
could actually widen, since its overseas 
costs will decline while its U.S. prices 
need not fall at all. 

More important, in the computer in- 
dustry, growth and profitability are 
spurred by declining prices. In October 
1995 an IBM Aptiva desktop computer 
with eight megabytes of RAM and a 
1.5-gigabyte hard drive sold for $2,862. 
A year later, a comparable machine sold 
for basically the same price, but it came 
with four times as much RAM and twice 
the hard-drive storage. During the same 
period, IBM's personal computer sales 
grew by nearly 14 percent, even as the 
Company's earnings rose 42 percent, to 
$10.02 per share, while its share price 
rose by more than 40 percent. 

It's been like that throughout the en- 
tire computer industry, from laptops to 
palmtops, from hardware to software. 
Falling prices spur innovation, which 
stimulates sales, which stirs more compe- 
tition, which forces prices to fall more, 
which unleashes yet more innovation. 

So, what stocks should you look for in 
a world of slow growth and stable or 
even easing prices? The same sort of 
companies that have done well in the 
past in that climate: companies that not 
only outpace their competitors in both 
revenues and profits, but continue to 
grow whether the economy expands or 
not. Best of all, look for companies that 
are dominant in their markets, have 
good, stable management teams and 
generate enough cash internally to fi- 
nance growth without having to depend 
on banks, the bond market or stock sales 
to raise capital. A company such as Lu- 
cent Technologies—the spun-off re- 
search arm of AT&T—is one such outfit. 
Intel is another. Or, if you want to en- 
gage in the financial fantasy of having 
half a ton of hot steel between your legs, 
try Harley-Davidson. 

‘These companies do well in the face 
of slow economic growth and easing 
prices, and it's a safe bet that they'll соп- 
tinue to do well in the future, deflation 
or not. There are plenty more like them 
So don't panic. The D word isn't a rea- 
son to sell, it's an opportunity to buy! 


ама ca 
al chscoop@aol.com. 


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of anyone? 


ay that i Clinical See shows 
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Feel your Ginsana: 


nts presented here have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. 
 Pharmaton Natural Health Products affirms tat the satenents presented on these packages are supported by well-conc са! studies Available in the vitamin aisle. 
ы ger Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals. Inc. 


TASTE. 
QUALITY. 
VALUE. | 


SWISHER ^ 
“SWEETS 


LITTLEACIGARS 


20 FILTERED 6) 
LITTLE CIGARS BY Ж; 
KING EDWARD 2 


Have Blades, Will Travel 


We could offer a number of reasons 
why owning a boxed set of profes- 
sionol-quality knives and cutting 
tools is a good ideo. For example, 
when asked to make a command 
culinory performance at your girl- 
friend's house, you wouldn't have 
to use her Ginsu. And at your sum- 
mer rentol, you'd know that no 
matier what you might fix, you'll 
have the right tool. But enough 
obout rotionolity. Not since Lee Von 
Cleef unfurled his firearm soddle- 
bag in For a Few Dollars More have 
we been so impressed with the con- 
cision, the completeness, the sheer 
coolness of this chef’s attaché from 
Wüsthof-Trident. In it you have 
everything you'll ever need—a 
deaver-weight 12-inch chef's 
blade, a meat slicer, garnishing 
tools, decorating punches and even 
о set of lording needles. The set 
costs about the same os the down 
poyment on a cor ($3200) and will 
gomer the some sort of admiring 
looks, but will lost longer. 


160 . `$ personal 


HOW ТО USE А 
SHARPENING, ,, 
STEEL "a 


BLADE STEEL 


REPEAT 
6-10 TIMES \ 


NN EACH SIDE 
SOS N 


> 


How to Use a Sharpening Steel 


It’s impressive the woy chefs get down 
to business by moving their knives 
‘against оп upraised steel. And this 
blurred activity, when done properly, 
trues the edge ond mokes the knife bet- 
ter to wark with. There are those who 
insist that the only way to significantly 
improve a knife's cutting ability is to 
sharpen it on a stone, but we'll let that 
argument pass. In the meantime, the 
blueprint above shaws you how to mas- 
ter the art of being a hone bay. 


Bespoke Spoken Here 


The name Turnbull & Asser hos been synonymous 
with custom English shirts since 1B85, when Regi- 
nold Turnbull, a shirtmoker, and Ernest Asser, o 
salesman, opened a store in the heart of London. 
{The London shop is situcted at 72 Jermyn Street, 
at the corner of Bury.) Now T&A hos opened с 
store in Manhation (42 East 57th Street between 
Park and Madison). If you're willing to spend $1B5 
to $375 per shirt and wait six to eight weeks for 
delivery (the shirts are constructed in England us- 
ing paper pattems), this is the place for long sta- 
ple Egyptian and Sea Island cotton shirts. “An at- 
mosphere that is relaxed, yet unmistakably 
English,” is how management describes the new 
store's environs [illustrated 


below). Shoes, hosiery, un- 
derwear, ties, sweaters, 
outerwear, formalwear, 
robes, pojamas and acces- 
sories can also be pur- 
chased—along with made- 
to-meosure suits, trousers. 
ond sports coats. If you 
con't make it to the Big 
Apple, Tumbull & Asser al- 
sa hos trunk shows that 
visit major cities nation- 
wide (including Chicago, 
Dallas and Los Angeles), 


taking fitings for shirts. 


33 


PLAYBOY 


34 


YOU COULD HAVE AN ORDINARY BEER. OR, YOU COULD HAVE ONE THAT'S BEEN 
BREWED WITH THE FINEST INGREDIENTS FOR OVER A HUNDRED YEARS. 


You deserve the smooth taste of MICHELOB & MICHELOB LIGHT. 


Chateaux Cheap 


French wine and bargoin bottles 
rorely exist in the some sentence. 
anymore. However, the wines of 
Longuedoc-Roussillon ore the 

closest thing to o goad buy thot 
France has ta offer. These wines 


Boning 
Memorabilia 


Boxing memora- 
bilio moy be the 
next big collect- 


соте from the region thot ible. A recent 
borders the Mediterranean be- Christie's auction 
of Muhammad | 


tween the Rhéne Volley опа 
Spoin. Longuedoc-Raussillan 
hos always praduced wine, but 
grawers hove recently been re- 
placing the lesser grape varieties 
with syrah, merlat, mourvedre 
ond cabernet sauvignon. In od. 
dition, growers hove lowered 
yields ond impraved their 
vinificotion techniques. robe Ali wore be- 
The result hos been a re- fore his 1974 title 
sounding success: Imagine o sturdy Rhône with the forthcoming fight with George 
F Foreman in Zoire sald for $156,500. The value of the lawer- 
nomes of such pioneering importers os Robert Kocher, Peter end items ossacioted with the former chomp hos olsa im- 
Weygandt, Alain Junguenet, Kermit Lynch and Eric Solamon on proved. Simeon Lipman, a Christie's sports calle 
wines bearing the appellations Coteaux du Languedoc, Miner- recommends collecting “any of the ephemera hoving ta da 


vais/Carbiéres, Cotes du Roussillon and Vin de Poys d'Oc. with Ali's biggest fights—fight posters, programs, ticket stubs, 
stationery ond press kits.” Items relating ta more recent 


events are af interest os well. The poster af the 1991 Haly- 
field-Tysan bout, signed by bath (above), is warth between 
$800 ond $1000. Flea markets and garage soles may yield о 


Ali's geor brought 
їп more thon $1.3 
million and top- 
pled auction 
records for boxing 
gloves, shoes, 
trunks ond robes. 
The beoded white 


Razor Buzz few bargains, and you con find dealers through sports maga- 
Even if you've never considered shoving with an electric zine ods ond memorobilia shows. Research the seller by coll- 
rozar, you moy be intrigued by the new Q-One from | ing o reputable auction hause ta verify the dealer’ 

Norelco. The razor communicotes with its stand thraugh 


infrored remate. As it learns the contours of your foce 
опа your shaving habits, the razor sends thot information 


to the stand, which measures shaving pressure ond od- H 

СЕНИ , VOTED or How to Handle an Audit 

to one of our more hoir-enhonced staffers to test. A de- No one enjoys being audited by the IRS, but there ore same guide- 
vated blade shover, he told us thot the best thing obout lines you con follow to make the experience considerably less taxing. 
using the Q-One is that he now finishes shaving in twa First, dress conservatively. “If you own a business that's showing only 
minutes. And his shaves have gotten better over time. о small profit, dan't walk in wearing a $1500 Italian suit,” advises 
What price tansarial glory? Figure obaut $450. Bill Stevenson, а Long Island enrolled agent. Also, don't soy any- 


thing that might coll the agent's attention ta the disparity in your 
solories. “Let's say you're making $1 million and paying $385,000 a 
year in taxes,” soys Andy Andrin, on enrolled agent based in the 
Chicago area. “The agent's making maybe 539,500. Не moy be o 
litle ticked off about that.” Treat the agent with respect; soy “sir” ar 
"mo'om." Don't gripe about 
government spending, foreign 
policy ar the lotest presidential 
sex scandal. In fact, talk as little 
os possible: Let your enrolled 
agent be your mouthpiece. 
However, if you're being investi- 
goted for fraud, hire о tox оНаг- 
ney, who, unlike an enrolled 
agent, cannot testify against 
yov. In ony oudit, ga in with on 
organized stack of receipts ond 
о diary of your expenses. Make 
sure you record апу expenses 
you incurred for mileage, park- 
ing and professional fees. You 
may be able ta deduct them 

on next year's return. 


the playboy bacardi 


New Music 


concel пех 


featuring 
jimmies 
АС chicken 
Tallahassee, FL > RA OH sha ck 


wednesday april 1st friday april 17th 

floyd’s music store newport music hall 

Gainesville, FL Madison, WI 

thursday april 2nd saturday april 18th 

brick city music hall the barrymore theatre 

Athens, GA E. Lansing, MI 

friday april 3rd sunday april 19th 

40 watt club rick’s place B AC ARDI 
ڪڪ — ڪڪ‎ > 
College Park, MD Austin, TX EST? 1862 
wednesday april 8th saturday april 25th 

terrapin station liberty lunch 

Boston, MA Tempe, AZ 

thursday april 9th saturday may 2nd 

paradise club gibson’s 

State College, PA Los Angeles, CA 


есіпезсі th а d 
cy TENDS Y PLAYBOY 


MANTRACK = | | 


The Road Warrior Combo 


Traveling for business screams out for special equipment. No 
self-respecting business traveler ever checks a bag. And carry- 
оп bags generally fall into two categories: Fold-over garment 
bags (which can't accommodate an extra pair of shoes) and 
small-wheeled bags (most of which don't have a section to 
put o suit in). The Tumi Carry-On Suiter ($495, in ballistic ny- 
lon) solves both problems. The Tumi Safecase Slim Organizer 
Computer Brief ($275) is lorge enough to have a suspended 
laptop comportment (so even if you drop the bag, the com- 
puter will probably survive) and small enough not to look like 
your entire office is stuffed inside. With these two bags, you 
con go anywhere—at least for a couple of days. 


Shredded Neat 


All those credit-card applications ond 
love notes you throw in the 
trash could cause you trou- 
ble. But commercial poper 
shredders are too expensive 
for home use. Now GBC 
Shredmaster has introduced 
the Confidential, a small, AC- 
powered shredder that fits most 
wostebaskets. For under $30, 
it's а cheap way to ensure 
‘against consumer fraud—or 
to protect yourself from a 
vengeful girlfriend. 


[HELLO] How to Work a Room 

Donn Davis, in his Survival Skills for the Mod- 
[ES 4 | ern Man, reminds из that John Keats wrote, 

"Conversation is not a search after knowl- 
edge, but an endeavor at effect.” Here are Dovis’ rules for 
making on impression: Keep moving: Your goal is to ex- 
change a pleasant comment or two and smile as you move to 
the next group. Remember names: People are flattered when 
you remember their names. Before an event go over the ot- 
tendee list. Love the one you're with: Give the person you 
are talking with your undivided attention. Two minutes of laser- 
like personal chatter goes a long way. Don’t forget the little 
people: The tendency is to talk only to those at or above your 
level in the power structure. Make sure you spend time with ad- 
ministrative ossistonts and people new to the organization. You 
con leorn a lot from them. Take the initiative: Most people 
оге flattered when approached. Just walk up and introduce 
yourself. Circle back to the most important contacts оп 
your way out: Last impressions can be the most memorable. 


Roadster Redux 


The world's best-selling roadster із now even better. Mazda's all-new 1999 Miato features more horsepower, a stiffer chassis, а real 
trunk and fresh styling. (And no pop-up heodlights or plastic rear window—it's glass.) Five option levels are available, from a nicely 
equipped stocker with the power steering package for under $20,000 to a fully loaded model for $27,500 that includes a hard top 


Our choice? The Leather Package (about $25,500), with power 
A = = * 
a 


goodies galore, cruise control, wind blocker, 15-inch alloy 
wheels, 200-wott Bose stereo and more. We tested the 
1999 in Hawaii not long ago and found the 
combination of crisp handling, superb 
balance and a twin-cam four to be 
confidence-inspiring. This former 
NG and Triumph wannabe is 
definitely о trendsetter—ond 

for good reason. 


` ROCKS. TONIC. JUICE. MAGIC. 


BACARDI LIMON 


RentACANDIS LIMÓN BACARDI AND THE RAT DEVICE ARE REGISTERED Арвад OF ACARD! а COMPANY LMIEO тне BACAROE MARTIN A. WC. Мизи FIA SPECIALTY AS ALE: BY VOL 
Enjoy our док) taste with your 2004 judgment” Visi Club Bacardi at www. bacardi. cam 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


A few months ago my husband and I 
invited his best friend into our bedroom 
and I was able to live out a fantasy of 
having two men at once. The problem 
is that I have fallen for his friend. He 
comes over quite often and the three 
of us watch Playboy TV. Sometimes we 
have too much to drink and we start 
flirting and talking dirty. I've told the 
friend that I go nuts every time I see 
him. But 1 don't want to hurt my hus- 
band or ruin their friendship. Our 
friend isn't candid with me, so I'm not 
sure what he thinks. I wonder if he's us- 
ing me, because he and his wife don't get 
along. I wish we could return to being 
just friends, but it’s hard to pretend that 
1 don't want him,—R.R., Dallas, Texas 
Your story illustrates a potential downside 
of threesomes—they usually involve a cou- 
ple, and once in a while the couple that 
walks in isn’t the one that walks out. We 
wouldn't risk a marriage over what sounds 
like puppy love. As difficult as it will be, you 
need to stop seeing this guy. He should stop 
coming over, or you should find something 
else to do. Watch Playboy TV with your girl- 
friends. If you follow your heart instead of 
your head—a mistake in this situation—at 
least tell your husband about your feelings 
before you arrange another threesome. He 
may already have guessed. Afier all, a guy 
who can watch his wife have sex with his best 
friend can't be too surprised by her crushes. 


AAtthough I've never been much of a 
cologne wearer, one of my friends says as 
long as you don't put on too much, scent 
helps get a woman's attention. Has any 
research been done on which scents turn 
women on?—G.C., Oakland, California 
In June 1995 we reported that the Smell 
& Taste Treatment and Research Founda- 
tion in Chicago had studied which of a selec- 
tion of odors caused an increase in penile 
blood flow (all of them did, with a mixture of 
lavender and pumpkin pie topping the list). 
Now the foundation has completed a study of 
women's preferences. According to director 
Alan Hirsch, the best way to get to a wom- 
an’s genitals through her nose is with the 
smell of Good & Plenty licorice and cu- 
cumber. A mixture of those scents caused 
the greatest increase in vaginal blood flow 
among 30 test subjects, as did a whiff of 
baby powder. Surprisingly, the smell of Good 
& Plenty by itself caused a decrease in 
arousal cucumber seems to be the hey (but 
still no substitute for a man). Other findings: 
Women who enjoy masturbating were most 
aroused by a combination of Good & Plenty 
and banana-nut bread, while the most multi- 
orgasmic women in the group were turned 
off by baby powder. Go figure. Your friend 
musi possess charms besides his odor—a 
sample of men's cologne caused a decrease in 
arousal, as did the smell of cherries and the 


scent of barbecue. Hirsch, author of the book 
“Scentsational Sex” (800-253-6476), hopes 
to learn more about the connection between 
odors and arousal. He notes that nearly 25 
percent of his patients who have lost their 
sense of smell also develop sexual dysfunction. 


Thanks for telling readers about our 
remote-control vibrator in the April is- 
sue. You are correct about discreet sexu- 
al stimulation being on a lot of women's 
(and men’s) minds. We recently held a 
sex-toy design contest that drew more 
than 100 entries, ranging from diagrams 
drawn on bar napkins to functional pro- 
totypes. The winner designed a pair of 
cycling shorts with a “gel-like, two- 
lipped cradle for the clitoris, and a teas- 
ing little lamp for the vagina” sewn into 
the crotch. “These wonder pants pro- 
vide the rider with added incentive to 
pedal,” she explained. Our judges— 
porn star Nina Hartley and representa- 
tives from dildo manufacturer Vixen 
Creations and sex-toy manufacturer Cal 
Exotics—were impressed. We've posted 
entries from the contest at www.good 
vibes.com.—Rebecca Suzanne, Good Vi- 
brations, San Francisco, California 

Sounds like quite a ride. If you have an- 
other contest, drop us a line. Not many peo- 
ple know this, but we're working on a vibra- 
tor that runs on cold fusion. 


The letter in April about the proper 
way to throw a dart caught my eye. I've 
always wondered about the dartboard it- 
self. Are the numbers arranged in any 
particular way?—D.S., Phoenix, Arizona 

On the common English clockface board, 
the numbers are placed so you're rewarded 
for taking risks. That’s why you see higher 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


numbers such as 20 surrounded by lower 
numbers such as one or five. If you shoot for 
the higher scores and miss, it’s going to sting. 
A common fallacy is that hitting the bull’s- 
eye gives you the highest possible score. In- 
stead, experienced players aim for the triples 
ring. Hitting a triple 20 gets you 60. А dou- 
ble bull’s-eye scores 50. Novice players often 
practice by shooting for the eye. Not only is 
that а poor strategy, but you'll wear өші the 
center of the playing surface. On better 
boards, the number ring can be rolated to al- 
low for even wear: 


Surely the Advisor would know: Is 
oral sex adultcry?—A-T., Chatham Town- 
ship, New Jersey 

Of course—unless your wife says it's ОК. 
Good luck with that, 


Recently, I've heard a lot about 
tal phones versus analog. Which is bet- 
ter?—D.P., Fort Worth, Texas 

It depends on what you have to say, and 
where you want to say it. Digital phones pro- 
vide more privacy and clarity. They also 
have longer battery lives and features such 
as speed dialing, caller ID, e-mail retrieval, 
paging and one-touch voice-mail access. On 
the downside, they're more expensive than 
analog and far less reliable outside metropol- 
itan areas. If уди leave your digital service 
area, your phone may not work unless you 
own a dual-mode model, which can be bulky. 
Wandering into an area that uses another of 
the three competing digital technologies also 
leaves you in a bind. Finally, some digital 
users complain that the phones cut them off 
without warning if they leave the service 
area. If you use your phone sparingly or 
travel a lot, we suggest analog. If you're a 
discreet and busy man about town, go digital. 


In March you explained why men get 
erections during the dream stage of 
sleep, which occurs every 90 minutes or 
so. Do women have similar patterns? 
‘And why do scientists measure sleep 
arousal?—E.R., Tulsa, Oklahoma 

Women apparently do experience similar 
sleep arousal. But while blood flow to the pe- 
nis can be monitored by attaching an ex- 
pandable ring, measuring blood flow to a 
woman's genitals is more of a challenge. 
Sleep erections are typically monitored to de- 
termine if erectile dysfunction is a physical or 
a mental problem. 


WI, wife has suggested that we liven 
things up with new lightbulbs in the bed- 
room. What color do you suggest?— 
PW., Memphis, Tennessee 

We're happy just to have the lights on. In 
their book “The Great Sex Weekend,” Pep- 
per Schwartz and Janet Lever tackle this 
question with Marsha Hunt, a writer and 


39 


BIRE TB OF 


producer for Playboy Home Video. Hunt 
recommends blue bulbs. “We always use 
blue light in our bedroom scenes,” she says. 
“It creates a mysterious and sensual atmo- 
sphere. It gives sufficient light to see, but 
it's dim enough to cover flaws. Pink bulbs 
provide light that is soft, romantic and flat- 
tering—it makes most people look much 
younger—but stick to a 40-watt bulb. Stay 
away from green—that's monster lighting— 
and yellow, which makes skin look sallow.” 
Schwartz and Lever don’t recommend red 
bulbs because “they make your bedroom look 
like a brothel." Considering the wild sex that 
can go on in whorehouses, red may not be 
such a bad choice. You'll find colored bulbs at 
well-stocked hardware sto 


V suspect we all harbor some degree of 
homosexual feelings. What do the ex- 
perts think? No flippancy, please—R.K., 
Fredericksburg, Virginia 

Who, us? The only thing we know for cer- 

tain is that everyone harbors sexual feelings, 
the depth and range of which remain unex- 
plored. Researcher Alfred Kinsey suggested 
that sexuality can be charted on а continu- 
um, with strict heterosexuals on one end, 
strict homosexuals on the other and well- 
adjusted bisexuals at the center. That theory 
allows for the majority of people to have 

“straight” and “gay” desires, though they 
may not act on the weaker of the two. Recent 
research supports this theory by suggesting 
a genetic component to sexual orientation. 
Todd Morman, writing in “Stay Free!” (sun 
site.unc.edu/stayfree/5/sexchart.htm), argues 
that the complexities of human sexuality are 
better understood on a Cartesian system of. x 
and y axes. He would add a third dimension 
(the z axis) to chart fetishes and changes in 
desire over time. Is there any such thing as 
a completely straight person, someone who 
never has a passing thought, dream or fan- 
tasy about homosexual sex? We're suspicious 
of anyone claiming to be an überhetero, 
pecially after rereading a study conducted 
а few years ago al the University of Geor- 
gia. Researchers gave a questionnaire to 64 
straight men to gauge their dread of homo- 
sexuals. They then attached monitors to the 
men's penises and showed them clips from 
straight and gay porn movies. The men who 
expressed the greatest homophobia showed 
the most arousal while watching men having 
sex with other men. Imagine that. 


IM, wife carries her money in her 
bra. This turns me on. Do other men 
get turned on by this, or am I the only 
one?—D.T., Grand Rapids, Michigan 

That depends—how many other men 
know about il? We once knew a waitress who 
kept her tips tucked in her nylon stockings. 
There's something about the thought of cold 
cash against warm skin that presses all the 
right buttons. If you're lucky, your wife will 
let you slip your hand in the till. 


F love oral sex. But now that I'm preg- 


40 nant, I fear that swallowing semen will 


affect my fetus. A friend told me not to 
worry because semen is just protein. Is 
semen harmful in this situation?—R. L., 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

Not at all. It may even be beneficial. Re- 
search suggests that exposure to semen 
through intercourse (and possibly oral sex) 
prevents preeclampsia, a dangerous form of 
high blood pressure that can occur late in 
pregnancy. The semen can't come from just 
anyone—it has to belong to the guy who pro- 
vided the lucky sperm, and exposure has to 
be repeated over months. Prolonged contact 
with the father’s antigens apparently boosts 
the mother’s immune system. That may be 
why one study found that first-time moms 
who become pregnant within the initial four 
months of a sexual relationship are at great- 
er risk of preeclampsia. 


Three days a week, I visit the gym. 
Should I eat before I go, and if so, 
what?—G.C., Los Angeles, California 
You'll have more stamina and endurance 
if you have a snack an hour от so before ex- 
ercising. Eat foods that provide complex car- 
bohydrates, such as bagels, pretzels, fig bars, 
yogurt, fruit, juice, cereal or energy bars. Af- 
ler your workout, replenish with more carbs 
and some protein. And drink plenty of water. 


AA few months ago, the Advisor made a 
blunder. You wrote, “Computerized slots 
are as random as their mechanical pre- 
decessors.” Au contraire! One of the old- 
est and most difficult problems with 
computers is the generation of random 
numbers—true randomness is the Holy 
Grail for programmers. Гуе been a 
PLAYBOY reader since 1954 and I'd hate 
to see your column flamed by all the 
computer geeks out there.—D.M., Min- 
neapolis, Minnesota 

We heard from only a few geeks about 
this—the rest must be in Vegas running di- 
agnostics. As you nute, only the universe can 
create an absolutely random event, but com- 
puterized slots ате random enough for our 
bets. They're certainly as close to random as 
mechanicals, some of which can be manipu- 


lated by pulling the handle just right. 


Are there any cookbooks that have 
recipes for dishes to increase sexual de- 
sire?—M.J., Miami Beach, Florida 

We're not big believers in aphrodisiacs, 
but we recognize the power of a good dish. 
That's why we savored “Intercourses,” a 
cookbook by Martha Hopkins and Randall 
Lockridge with photos by Ben Fink (at book- 
stores, or phone 800-372-2311). You won't 
Jind any recipes here that use rhino horn or 
Spanish fly, just conventional do-me ingre- 
dients such as chocolate, honey, grapes, 
oysters, avocados, strawberries, figs, edible 
flowers and asparagus. Remember, it’s not 
necessarily what you eat, but how you eat it. 
The secret of aphrodisiacs may be that they 
keep you healthy, which in turn makes you 
hornier. Hopkins and Lockridge point oui 
that “many foods long considered aphrodisi- 


acs are lo: 
minerals. 


in fat and high in vitamins and 


Thm a cross-dresser who plans to vaca- 
tion in Grenada. If I pack clothing the 
"average" man doesn't wear, how can 1 
avoid having it construed as gifis when I 
arrive and purchases when 1 return?— 
J-M., Madison, Wisconsin 

Make sure it looks well worn. It’s doubtful 
а customs agent will bother with your laun- 
dry unless you're stuffing your bras with co- 
caine or hiding parrots in your panties. If 
you're concerned about taxes, declare your 
clothes before you leave the country, or have 
them dry-cleaned and leave the tags on to 
prove they aren't neu. If an agent gives you 
grief at the border, tell him you're an ешет- 
tainer. Or what the heck—tell him you're a 
cross-dresser. What's he going to do? 


IM, vibrator has this warning: “Do not 
use on unexplained calf or abdomi- 
nal pain.” Why is that? —EE, Las Vegas, 
Nevada 

Because that unexplained pain could be 
from a blood clot, and shaking it loose might 
send it toward the heart or brain. The notice 
appears on most vibrators and massagers 
sold in the U.S., courtesy of Underwriters 
Laboratories, which tests products and ad- 
vises companies on consumer warnings. 
You'll see other vibrators labeled “for novelty 
purposes only,” which means they don't 
claim to do anything but entertain you. 
When you read as many vibrator instruction 
manuals as we do, you stumble across some 
peculiar admonishments. Wahl Corp., for 
example, makes massagers that are sold by 
sex-toy stores as vibrators. The Wahl family 
would prefer that their products not touch 
unauthorized body parts, so it warns cus- 
tomers, “Do not use massager on genital 
areas.” A spokesman says the company is 
concerned any time electric appliances are 
placed near moisture but admits the warning 
is included for moral reasons. The Wahls 
don't approve! That makes it even naughtier. 
The Advisor now uses Wahl massagers for 
all his personal pleasure needs. 


АШ reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
ssed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad 
visor@playboy.com (because of volume, we 
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Look 
for responses to our most frequently asked 
questions at www.playboy.com/faq, and 
check out the Advisor's latest collection of sex 
tricks, “365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life” 
(Plume), available in bookstores or by phon- 
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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


playboy visits some landmarks of the sexual revolution 


wo weeks before Monica Lew- 
insky became the name on 
everyone’s lips, PLAYBOY con- 
ducted three tours of the na- 
tion's capital. These are my notes: 
The tour begins at Union Station. 
Around the main and west halls are 
statues of Roman legionnaires. A 
small sign sits atop a display case: 
“These creations of Louis Saint-Gau- 
dens were originally cast as nudes. 
Saint-Gaudens later created the 
shields you now see to act as modesty 
panels so as not to offend the public.” 
Perfect. Lam here to give a sex tour 
of Washington and the first thing 1 
see is testament to our nation’s hypo- 
critical attitude toward sex. Politi- 
cians would have us believe we are 


fathers did not want vi 
have warning that Washington is 
full of pricks. 

1 walk from the station to 
where the Playboy's History of 
the Sexual Revolution Tour bus 
sits. Just like that I find myself 
at the center of a press confer- 
ence: a wall of cameras, Кпссі- 
ing reporters, upthrust micro- 
phones and technicians who 
hook transmitters to my belt, 
run wires up my shirt, pin lapel 
mikes to collars and pockets. 

“Hey,” I tell an attractive wom- 
an reporter, “this is more fore- 


History of the Sexual Revolution. It is a 
busman's holiday. I will get to sec the 
places I've been writing about, and 
I'm hopeful the media will write sto- 
ries about the landmark battles that 
have happened in the nation’s capi- 
tal. Most people view the sexual revo- 
lution as something that happened in 
the Sixties, lasted ten minutes and left 
us with unwed teenage mothers, rock 
and roll, Debbie Does Dallas and AIDS. 
PLAYBOY wanted to show that the rev- 
olution has gone on for more than 
100 years, that it has involved star- 
ting ideas and that neither side has 
retired from the field. 

‘The History charts the battle over 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


who controls sex—the state, the 
church or the individual. There is al- 
so a fourth form of control—call it 
scandal or gossip or peer pressure— 
that seems of interest. It is the second 
week in January and scandal is in the 
air. Lawyers for Paula Corbin Jones 
are about to depose the former gov- 
ernor of Arkansas. 


“What advice would you give Presi- 


dent Clinton?” asks a TV reporter. 

“Discretion is the better part of 
ardor.” 

The tour will focus on the branches 
of government that have tried to re- 
press sex, on the sex panics and hys- 
teria (such as the hullabaloo over non- 
existent white slave traffic that gave 
us the Mann Act and the FBI), and 


the great villains (Anthony Comstock 
and J. Edgar Hoover) and great he- 
roes (the Supreme Court of the Six- 
ties that gave us the right to privacy 
and liberated the language). 

The point 1 try to drive home is 
that the sexual revolution is the 
struggle to protect the individual 
from government intrusion into the 
most intimate areas of his or her life. 
The Bill of Rights is not, I say, a mod- 
esty panel. 

As the bus rolls through Washing- 
ton, the journalists ask about the role 
of the press in reporting sex scandals. 
Should we have gone after Gary 
Hart, who challenged the press to un- 

cover any illicit behavior on his part? 

He overestimated his own power of 

deception and underestimated the 

power of the press. We pinned the 
Donna on the Monkey and de- 
railed a presidential campaign. 
But did we really discover any- 
thing about Hart's character 
that we didn’t already know? 
As a rule, politicians have 
Ej taught us little about sex. One 
or two of them stand out. Did 
Warren Harding have sex with 
his mistress in a White House 
closet, thus siring an illegiti- 
mate child? Probably. He had a 
20-year affair with a woman in 
his home state and wrote her 
long letters detailing his desire to 
be next to her naked skin. Of 
course, if censorship czar Com- 
stock had opened those letters, 
Harding could have gone to jail for 
five years. Was Harding a man of 
great courage or great indiscretion? 

Harding’s successor in the White 
House may have been the most sexu- 
ally open-minded president in a cen- 
tury. In an oft-repeated story, Calvin 
Coolidge and the first lady toured a 
farm as part of a whistle-stop cam- 
paign. When the farmer got to the 
barnyard, he told Mrs. Coolidge that 
the prize ram had sex 14 times a 
night. “Tell that to the president,” 
Mrs, Coolidge is reputed to have said. 
When Cal got to the stall and heard 
the story, he asked the farmer, “Same 
sheep every time?” The farmer said 
no, a different sheep prompted each 


41 


42 


performance. “Tell that to Mrs. 
Coolidge.” 

Prior to the tour, I had researched 
some of the more recent scandals to see 
if anything could be learned from the 
sex lives of politicians. I discovered 
that our elected leaders seem obsessed 
with oral sex, A woman named Anne 
Manning had confessed in a Vanity Fair 
article that as a young campaign work- 
er almost 20 years ago, she had per- 
formed oral sex on Newt Gingrich 
when they were both married to other 
people. According to Manning, Ging- 
Tich insisted on oral sex so that if ques- 
tioned he could say, “I never slept with 
her.” 
Oral sex isn’t infidelity? I would love 
to see Gingrich pass a law to that effect, 
and make it part of his new Contract 
With America. It would be a major vic- 
tory for family values. 

Like Hart, does this tell us anything 
that we didn’t already know about Gin- 
grich? His passion for loopholes ex- 
tends beyond lust. Maybe he thought 
the $4.5 million book advance was 
based on his prose style, or that the 
money people spent on his lectures 
and videos was an honorarium and not 
a political contribution. We do not have 
to invade his privacy to see the false 
fronts, the craven love of deniability. 

Gingrich wasn't the only Southern 
politician with a taste for what The Wash- 
ington Post called "the new lust loop- 
hole” a few years back. Then Governor 
Charles Robb of Virginia once wrote a 
memo responding to charges that he 
had committed adultery: “Гуе always 
drawn the line on certain conduct. I 
haven't done anything that I regard as 
being unfaithful to my wife, and she 
is the only woman I've loved, slept 
with or had coital relations with in 
the 20 years we've been mar- 
ried—and I'm still crazy about 
her.” He too could answer a re- 
porter's question with the coy 
denial, “I haven't slept with any- 
one, haven't had an affair.” But 
reportedly Robb had accepted 
nude massages and oral sex from 
young beauties. These politi- 
cians wanted deniability. They 
are like the technical virgins of 
the Fifties, those Vassar girls 
who would do everything but. 

These lawmakers were break- 
ing ancient sodomy statutes 
that could have landed them 
in jail. They didn’t write those 
laws, but then again, neither 
did they have the courage to 
abolish them. 

I would love to say that obses- 
sion with oral sex is a Republi- 


can or Southern flaw— it being the on- 
ly form of extramarital sex they can en- 
gage in and still wear the power suit— 
but it's not. Judith Exner claimed that 
JFK liked to find out what women 
could do for their country: “His atti- 
tude was that he was there to be ser- 
viced.” She tried to absolve him of 
blame, saying that this might have been 
caused by his back problem. “Partly,” 
she wrote, “I think he was spoiled by 
women.” 

And one of the troopers involved in 
the Paula Jones case claims that Clin- 
ton found proof in the Bible that oral 
sex is not adultery. And the loophole 
isn’t limited to candidates. Two years 
ago PLAYBOY asked college students, “Is 
oral sex real sex?” About half said no. 
Almost three quarters said they did not 
count those with whom they had only 
oral sex as sex partners. Something is 
happening, but what? 

The press has reacted to scandal dif- 
ferently from decade to decade. In the 
Fifties, sexual impropriety landed you 
in the pages of Confidential (which out- 
ed politicians suspected of being ho- 
mosexual) or the columns of Walter 
Winchell. By the Sixties, some discre- 
tion had returned. When the FBI tried 
to leak tapes of Martin Luther King Jr. 
that revealed earthy sex and raw lan- 
guage in a motel, papers wouldn't run 
the story. The media saw clearly the 
barrier between public morality—is- 
sues of race, poverty and the war—and 
private behavior. 

We talk about the difference between 
journalism (telling the story in the mo- 
ment) and histo- 
ry (telling the 
story after the 


statute of limitations has lapsed). JFK 
seems to have marked a turning point. 
We now know that he had wild pool 
parties in the White House, and multi- 
ple mistresses. Atthe time he and Jack- 
ie were depicted as the model family. It 
is said that the Washington press pro- 
tected the president. Ben Bradlee, edi- 
tor of The Washington Post, discovered 
a diary belonging to his sister-in-law 
Mary Pinchot Meyer that seemed to in- 
dicate that she had had an affair with 
Kennedy. In his autobiography, Brad- 
lee says he was shocked (he felt be- 
trayed and deceived by a personal 
friend). Meyer had asked that the diary 
be destroyed. Bradlee and his wife 
turned the diary over to CIA spook 
James Angleton, with the lame excuse 
that the CIA would “destroy it in what- 
ever facilities the CIA had for the de- 
struction of documents.” When he lat- 
er discovered that Angleton simply 
stashed the diary he was further out- 
raged, and finally Tony Bradlee re- 
trieved and destroyed the document. 
Bradlee gota lot of grief from the press 
corps for spiking that story and for de- 
stroying an artifact. He may have been 
honoring the press code—private lives 
were off-limits—or he may have been 
making a behind-the-scenes deal. In- 
formation is power. This kind of po- 
litics is as old as the secret files of 
J. Edgar Hoover. 

To document sites of particular mo- 
ment, 1 proposed hanging brass 
plaques on public monuments. A giant 
tongue in front of the post office, with 
the plaque saying something to the 


* 


effect that the U.S. Postal Service wants 

you to use your tongue for licking only 

stamps. Maybe the Capitol could have 

a marble statue of John and Rita Jen- 

rette making like weasels on the steps, 

or Senator Bob Packwood pressing a 

secretary against a Xerox machine, or 

Senator Strom Thurmond feeding 

quarters into a porn-loop projector. 

Perhaps the plaque at the Supreme 

Court could be engraved with passages 

from Tropic of Cancer or Lady Chatterleys 

Lover. For outside the Office of Eco- 

nomic Opportunity we could have 

Claes Oldenburg style a giant can of 

Coke with a 15-foot pubic hair made of 

wire on top. Outside the National 

Archives, which houses the Constitu- 

tion and the Bill of Rights, we could 
hang a giant DO NOT DISTURB sign. 

The FBI headquarters could feature 

a paper doll of J. Edgar 

Hoover. Visitors could 

select its wardrobe: 

5 tommy gun-toting 

crime fighter, or 

A sporting a bustier or 

m miniskirt from Ma- 

donna's closet. Or 

simply leave the 

G-man naked, 

hunched over 

his shrunken 

genitals, 

leafing 


through 


Aim 
em 


WWU 


his Deviates files, with whatever erec- 
tion he could manage. 

Reporters ask if I think J. Edgar 
Hoover was gay. “I don’t understand 
why gays in the old Saratoga-La Jolla 
circuit would want to identify Hoover 
as one of their own. I'ma heterosexual 
and don't want to admit that he's one 
of us.” 

Hoover was like Caesar’s wife, but 
not because he wore dresses (evidence 
is slim). In a culture of sexual black- 
mail, he had to be above reproach. He 
lived with his mother until she died. So 
did H.L. Mencken (except Mencken 
had affairs with New York showgirls 
and writers). Yes, Hoover had lunch 
with Clyde Tolson, his assistant deputy, 
every day for decades. But that was a 
Johnny Carson-Ed McMahon partner- 
ship. Evidence of a sexual relationship 
doesn’t exist. Hoover was obsessed 
with sex—from his extensive collection 
of pornography to his detailed lists of 
suspected Deviates. 

At least one reporter catch- 
es the drift. The Baltimore 
Sun's article on the tour re- 
duces J. Edgar Hoover's an- 
tisex crusade to a cap- 
tion: Be chaste or be 
chased. 

That Hoover's 
office looked 
out on the 


capital’s first 


gay bar is pointed out by someone on 
the tour, a member of the foreign ser- 
vice who in the early Seventies publicly 
declared he was gay, thus ending a 
threat of blackmail. The block on 
which the new FBI headquarters sits 
used to be filled with adult bookstores. 
Down the street, the Ronald Reagan 
Building stomped its marble foot on a 
block that used to boast massage par- 
lors at the Swedish House, nude 
dancers at the Utah Steak House and 
fast-food fellatio pits. John McIver 
Weatherford, an undercover sociolo- 
gist, wrote in the Eighties: “Twenty- 
four hours a day, the strip offered 
every available pleasure for contempo- 
rary sexuality and appetite. The visitor 
could have a Big Mac with one of Kim's 
great blow jobs; a chocolate shake with 
an Around the World; homemade 
coleslaw and finger-licking fried 
shrimp with a hand job by Victoria, or 
a simple chocolate-dipped ice cream 
cone and a fast fuck.” Not surpris- 
ingly, the strip was a short walk 
from the National Press Club. 
The bus passes Lafayette 
Park, where gay men used to 
cruise. Having just finished 
the History series’ section on 
the Fifties, 1 understand for 
the first time the paranoia im- 
posed on gay people. Every 
sexual approach might re- 
sult in arrest and humilia- 
tion. Was the guy in the 
shadows a vice cop or a po- 
tential partner? 

That paranoia has recent- 
ly shifted to heterosexuals. 
Now, when a man makes 
sexual remarks in the work- 
place, he doesn’t know if 
they will amuse, land him in 
front of the personnel man- 
ager or put him on Nightline. 

Miniscandals show the re- 
al nature of sexual politics: If 
you can’t defeat a man's ar- 
gument with reason or a tal- 
ly of votes, tar and feather 
him with innuendo. Look- 
ing at some of our recent 
scandals, one can conclude 
that male behavior hasn't 
changed in a hundred years 
but that women's opportuni- 
ties to exploit male desires 
have expanded dramatically. 
A prostitute used to work for 
the john; now she may be the 
agent provocateur for a 
tabloid ora videocam. A 
mistress used to practice dis- 
cretion; now if the roving 
husband doesn't pay hush 


43 


“4 


money she may sell her story to the 
highest bidder. There is no shame at- 
tached to being the other woman, only 
a sense of entitlement or outrage. Don- 
na Rice, the girl in Gary Hart's lap, 
now is the spokesperson for the an- 
tiporn group Enough Is Enough. 

‘Again, reporters bring up the Paula 
Jones debacle. What would a trial re- 
veal? My take: “If you accept her story 
as she tells it—and that is a huge if— 
she is guilty of sexual extortion. The 
law forbids quid pro quo sexual deal 
making—the exchange of sex for a 
higher position or the threat of dis- 
missal if you don't perform. No matter 
what happened in that room, Jones 
used it to demand a better job or, now 
that simple greed has taken over, mil- 
lions of dollars. That's quid pro quo 
and it’s against the law. The second 
section of the sexual harassment law 
forbids repeated, unwanted sexual be- 
havior that creates a hostile sexual 
environment. 

“Whatever hap- 
pened in that hotel 
room, it happened 
only once. Jones was 
free to leave and she 
did. That the alleged 
sexual overture may 
have been unwanted 
doesn't make it ille- 
gal. You can’t out- 
law sexual interest. If 
you love a person 
who doesn't love you, 
that is unrequited 
love. We wouldn't 
want to put all of. 
those country singers 
out of business." 

One woman asks 
about the hostile en- 
vironment. “Erec- 
tions are not hostile 
acts,” I reply. “If they 
were, we'd have them 
more often, like when someone cuts us 
off in traffic." 

Another woman brings up power. 
Clinton was the governor, after all. 
Power, like beauty or health, is some- 
thing we find attractive. It’s part of our 
hard wiring. Feminists equate power 
with domination, or exploitation. Ac- 
cording to their theory, any powerful 
man thrives on sexual conquest. But 
substitute the word approval for con- 
quest, and you get a different picture. 
Sex is a great leveler. Naked, you can't 
tell who is a senator and who is a me- 
chanic. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the 
insight that prompted the president’s 
lawyer to announce: “In terms of size, 
shape, direction, whatever the devious 


your high 


school 
field 


mind wants to concoct, the president is 
a normal man. There are no blemish- 
es, there are no moles, there are no 
growths.” 

A reporter asks what monument I 
would put in front of the White House. 
A giant phallus in red, white and blue? 
On Pennsylvania Avenue, photogra- 
phers will take your picture next toa 
life-size cutout of the formally attired 
First Couple. After some thought, I 
suggest taking the shot of Bill and 
Hillary embracing on a beach, blowing 
it up, then cutting out their faces. 
Tourists could take one of those “put 
your face here” shots. 

1 say that every couple in the White 
House enters a contract that isn't your 
regular mom-and-pop relationship. 
Look at FDR and Eleanor. Or LB] and 
Lady Bird. The Chicago Tribune will re- 
port this thought, saying I believe pow- 
er couples deserve special considera- 
tion. That misses my point. I extend to 
power couples the same right of priva- 
cy that I expect and 
demand. Clinton, 
when confronted 
with allegations of an 
affair with Gennifer 
Flowers, admitted 
to having troubled 
times in his marriage 
but stressed that his 
marriage had sur- 
vived—unlike those 
of Newt Gingrich or 
half the politicians 
waving the banner of 
family values. 

It is interesting to 
see how the press 
covers the tour. The 
mere phrase “family 
newspaper” invokes 
the notion of a mod- 
esty shield. The Chi- 
cago Tribune decides 
that the event is akin 
to “a speech at the John F. Kennedy 
School of Government.” The AP re- 
porter says the tour is X-rated. More 
than one paper reports simply that 
this is “not your high school field- 
trip tour of the capital.” I’m foolish 
enough to wonder when oral sex will 
become something that we discuss over 
breakfast. 

The Washington Post doesn't know 
what to make of the fact that seven of 
the people on Saturday's sold-out tour 
would not give their names to the 
press. One told me that it was an elec- 
tion year and he didn't want to get his 
boss in trouble. 

Maybe he had caught the bloodlust 
that was in the air. 


don't believe the 
brass when it comes to 
sex in the military 


ilitary brass have always been 
M marvelous at denying reality. 

The general in command of 
British troops on the Western front in 
World War One considered the ma- 
chine gun a "much overrated weap- 
on." It would, in his expert opinion, 
never replace the horse on the battle- 
field. Stupid as that line of thinking 
was, Sir Douglas Haig (yes, the 
British gave a knighthood to the old 
fool) continued to believe this non- 
sense even after 60,000 of his men 
were killed or wounded in a single 
day attacking dug-in machine guns 
across open ground. Generals are 
never quick to let facts get in the way 
of their convictions. 

When considering the issue of sex 
in the military, it is wise to remember 
just how wrong—and wronghead- 
ed—the brass can be. 

Just because the Army says men 
and women can be successfully 
trained together, work together in 
the field and be deployed together to 
remote danger spots doesn’t make 
those things true. In fact, the more 
confidently the brass makes an asser- 
tion, the stronger the reasons for 
treating it with suspicion. 

Evidence that this might not be the 
case—such as the sex scandal at the 
Army's Aberdeen training center 
leads our military leaders not to re- 
think their assumptions but rather to 
insist that the program to integrate 
women is fine; it's the damned people 
who have screwed it up. 

We have witnessed a year of scan- 
dals. There have been courts-martial 
and dismissals for adultery, with Lieu- 
tenant Kelly Flinn being the most fa- 
mous “victim.” She was an Air Force 
Academy graduate, a B-52 pilot and 
living proof—until the mud hit the 
fan—of how well gender integration 
was working in the U.S. military. 
Flinn had an affair with an enlisted 
man and another with the husband of 
an enlisted woman, but according to 
her superiors, that drew attention 
from her real crimes: She lied about 
the affairs and disobeyed direct or- 
ders to stop seeing her lover. Sex sub- 
verts discipline. 

The facts, in these cases and others, 
would seem to prove that despite all 
its can-do spirit, the military is having 
a tough time with gender integration. 
Common sense would have predicted 


it. Men and women, especially in close 
quarters, are going to be attracted to 
one another. The military continues to 
insist it can handle the problems with 
more sensitivity, consciousness-raising 
and discipline. 

People outside the chain of com- 
mand understand the problems better 
than those within. Edward Luttwak, se- 
nior fellow at the Center for Strategic 
and International Studies, told The 
New York Times: “So long as men and 
women are in the Army together, lines 
of power will get entangled with sexual 
lines. The attempt to prevent this is 
ridiculous. It's a fantasy, not to men- 
tion a grotesque puritanical hypocrisy. 
The Army can't do some- 
thing that eluded the 
Franciscans. It can't run a 
mixed monastery.” 

The military is not a 
monastic order—it is an 
organization trained to 
protect national security, 
to go to war if necessary 
and to sacrifice life and 
limb. Most of the debate 
on women in the military 
has focused on the dis- 
ruptiveness of demon 
lust, and rumors of quid 
pro quo sexual favors 
ripple through news ac- 
counts and interviews 
with enlisted personnel. 
But few pundits have 
commented on a funda- 
mental gender inequity 
that no policy can alter. 

In the Gulf war, ten 
percent of the female sail- 
ors aboard the USS Arca- 
dia (a.k.a. the Love Boat) 
were removed because 
they were pregnant. This 
did not stir up much concern at the 
Pentagon. The fact that every three 
days a pregnant soldier is evacuated 
from Bosnia is dismissed as no big deal, 
something the Army can handle. One 
military leader compared pregnancy to 
appendicitis. 

‘The Navy's personnel chief says the 
military has to learn to “manage 
around” the fact that women soldiers 
sometimes get pregnant. Supporters 
who can't understand why a ship or 
training camp can't be like a downtown 
office echo this sentiment. Linda Bird 
Francke, author of Ground Zero: The 


By GEOFFREY NORMAN 


Gender Wars in the Military, says that 
pregnancy is not an issue but instead a 
weapon used by conservatives to pre- 
vent women from fighting for their 
country. She argues that the military 
loses fewer days to pregnancy than to 
drug and alcohol problems or discipli- 
nary problems among male soldiers. 
The Department of Defense wants 
very much to believe its own rhetoric. 
When the Pentagon completed a confi- 
dential draft of a report about women 
in the military last year, The Washington 
Times noted that it included references 


THIS WILL 


NEVER 
WORK 


to how pregnancies among soldiers 
might affect readiness. For example, 
one passage read: “Single, pregnant ju- 
nior enlisted personnel were consid- 
ered the most problematic of all preg- 
nancies. The pregnant single women 
were perceived to be a long-term bur- 
den. Not only were their activities po- 
tentially restricted, but their problems 
being a single parent were felt to have 
the most effect on the unit.” 

The draft concluded: “Pregnancy is 
an unplanned loss exclusive to women. 
Pregnancy is most problematic because 
those workers either cannot be re- 


placed, or replacement is often 
delayed.” 

When the Pentagon released the 
public version of the report three 
months later, these two passages had 
been excised or toned down. The 
name of the report had also been 
changed, from “Recent Gender Inte- 
gration in the Military” to “New Op- 
portunities for Military Women.” 

In the military, of course, the grunts 
know what the brass do not. Out in the 
bushes and in the fleet, soldiers and 
sailors know that just as some women 
avoid hard duty through sexual ma- 
nipulation, some women use pregnan- 
cy for the same purpose. 

“It happens all the 
time,” one female soldier 
told Army Times. A preg- 
nant soldier who is evacu- 
ated from Bosnia is given 
the option of staying in 
the service with six weeks’ 
maternity leave or taking 
an honorable discharge. 

In combat, it would be 
called a “self-inflicted 
wound"—an offense pun- 
ishable by court-martial. 
Presumably, a soldier's 
unit would suffer if she 
became pregnant. The 
military could then, in 
theory, make pregnancy a 
punishable offense. In 
combat, who knows? 
Armies, after all, must 
sometimes discipline sol- 
diers harshly to ensure 
everyone's survival. 

In the armies com- 
manded by Robert Е. Lee 
and the Duke of Welling- 
ton, a man could be shot 
for stealing a chicken. Ina 
crisis, should the U.S. Army send a sol- 
dier to prison for failing to take her 
birth control pills? 

Until that day of reckoning, the brass 
will say they have the answers when it 
comes to sex, and nobody, least of all 
the grunts, will believe them. Military 
dis е is fragile enough, and mo- 
rale is difficult enough to maintain, 
without the additional distractions of 
sexual attraction, jealousy and betray- 
al. Do you order your lover—or your 
sexual rival—to walk point through a 
minefield? How about the mother of 
your child? 


45 


46 


R E 


BIG BUNNY 

The reference in “Big Bunny 
Is Watching” (The Playboy Fo- 
Tum, February) to articles on 
the Internet that are stripped 
of identifiers and then attrib- 
uted to “Anonymous” reminds 
me of something I read in Dave 
Barry in Cyberspace. In the book, 
Barry describes a Web site 
called Exploding Whale that 
features news footage of a dead 
whale being blown to smither- 
eens by the Oregon State High- 
way Division. He writes, “About 
ten years ago, I wrote a column 
about this incident, and some- 
body unfamiliar with the copy- 
right Jaws put that column on 
the Internet. The result is that 
for years now, people have 
been sending me my own col- 
umn, often with notes saying, 
"You should write a column 
about this!" 

I imagine this is a common 
occurrence for writers—or at 
least for good writers. It's time 
for Net users to start respecting. 
others’ rights over their work. 

Allan King 
New York, New York 


One third of the way into 
“Big Bunny Is Watching,” a 
paragraph starts, “Let's begin 
with the Constitution.” That's 
an introduction on a par with 
a wife's “We need to have a 
long talk” or a policeman's “Put 
your hands up"—nothing good 
should be expected to follow it. 
The essay then offers the observation 
that our forefathers saw that photogra- 
phers and other creative people need a 
protected right to gain from their ef- 
forts. Photographers?! 

Well, maybe that's a bad example. 
But the two pages could easily be 
summed up: “Ifyou steal from Playboy 
on the Net, we'll sue you until your 
nuts squeak.” The remaining Forum 
space could then have been used for, 
let's see, a forum or something. 

Russell de Beauclair 
Phoenix, Arizona 


After reading “Big Bunny Is Watch- 
ing,” I visited the Web site Bon Mots of 
the Supermodels. The site has been 
taken down, but the owner posted this 
note in its place: “Well, folks, PLAYBOY 


FOR THE RECORD 


Judo See 


“Secretary of Education William Bennett, to- 
gether with Senator Jesse Helms, suggested that 
we play down condom use because it may give 
teenagers the message that adults expect them 
to engage in sexual intercourse. How many 
teenagers would think that their teachers were 
encouraging them to engage in sexual inter- 
course if they discussed how condoms can re- 
duce risks? There are many reasons for having 
intercourse, but ‘my teacher encouraged me’ 
comes very low on the list.” 

—SOCIOLOGIST IRA REISS DISCUSSING THE NEED 


E R 


Templeton notes in “Ten Big Myths 
About Copyright Explained" (www. 
clari.net/brad/copymyths.himl), 
copyright owners do not need to de- 
fend their rights to keep them: 
“Copyright is effectively never lost 
these days, unless explicitly given 
away.” In addition, “derivative 
works” are as much a violation as 
exact copies. We're pleased that our 
readers enjoy our work, which is 
why we've posted the authentic “Wit 
& Wisdom of the Supermodel,” as 
compiled by A.J. Jacobs and Jack 
Boulware for PLAYBOY, at www. 
playboy.com/supermodel. Bookmark 
‘and enjoy. 


As a professional photojour- 
nalist for more than 30 years, I 
have had some experience with 
copyright matters. My images 
have appeared on the Net and 
have been copied and widely 
distributed. Luckily, I've at least 
received adequate compensa- 
tion from the original Web site 
purchaser, but beyond that 
things are pretty much out of 
my control. 

I applaud you for your 
stance on copyrighted material, 
though I doubt chat it will 
change the attitudes of those 
who fail to recognize the invest- 
ment you have made. 

Jon Asher 
Glorieta, New Mexico 


FOR SEX EDUCATION IN SCHOOL IN HIS BOOK 


Solving America’s Sexual Crises (Prometheus) 


claims they own all the material for- 
merly on this page. That can’t be true, 
because some I found myself, and 
some quotes were sent to me by folks 
like yourself. However, over half the 
material came from an anonymous e- 
mail message making the rounds while 
I was a grad student, so I'm willing to 
grant them that while I check out just 
what does belong to Playboy Enterpris- 
es. The page has been up for two and a 
half years—good to know Playboy is 
vigilantly guarding its rights! I wonder 
whose job it is to go looking for naked 
babe jpegs in binary newsgroups or 
Web sites”? What do you think? 
James Brewer 
Portland, Oregon 
We're not impressed. His comments reflect 
а common fallacy about copyright. As Brad 


Your February Forum makes a 
forceful case against piracy of 
images and other copyrighted 
material. However, it is unusual to see 
PLAYBOY playing the role of hypocrite. 
While you protest against the piracy of 
your own material, you seem to have 
no qualms publishing the addresses of 
Web sites that contain pirated material. 
One example, of many possible, is the 
address for nude pictures of Spice Girl 
Geri Halliwell in the September 1997 
After Hours. 

Chris McNally 
Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario 


PLAYBOY should not feel compelled to 
justify its actions in trying to prevent 
thieves from using its property for 
their own personal gain. No matter 
how simple or complex the process, it's 
still nothing more than common larce- 
ny. Perhaps our copyright laws will not 


К Е S 


prove sufficient to govern this new 
medium of ours, but using the First 
Amendment asa shield against intellec- 
tual property laws is a pathetic attempt 
at legalized theft. 
James Daniels 
Knoxville, Tennessee 


I just read “Big Bunny Is Watching" 
and had to write to thank you. As a 
photographer whose income depends 
on the sales of my images, I'm pleased 
to see others fight to keep us all in busi- 
ness. People must be made aware that 
scanning an image and distributing it is 
stealing—just as if someone picks my 
pocket. Free speech fosters a creative 
environment where we can exchange 
ideas, which allows us to build upon 
one another's ideas. For this to suc- 
ceed, I must be assured my original 
work is protected from theft, which is 
what copyrights are all about 

Howard Andrews 
Canton, Michigan 


I'm sorry, but this all sounds a bit 
whiny. Take down a few infringers who 
are raking in $100,000 per month (if 
you need names, we have them). Use 
your clout to get the story on 60 Min- 
utes, Dateline and Primetime Live so that 
people are aware of the issue. Put some 
of these big pirating site owners out 
of business, confiscate and shut down 
their servers, raid the ISPs and make 
them cough up fines and damage pay- 
outs. That will do more good than a 
thousand articles like “Big Bunny.” 

John Copeland 
Las Vegas, Nevada 


The implied threats in “Big Bunny 
Is Watching” seem to indicate that you 
are using copyright laws and the courts 
to bully people into giving up their 
rights. It appears you sue people who 
have to give in because they cannot af- 
ford to fight. You have almost unlimit- 
ed legal resources, while most of your 
targets have none. Why involve your- 
self in litigation against an adversary 
who has no resources to pay a judg- 
ment? From what I have seen, you 
count on the denial of due process that 
your wealth buys. I cannot respect or 
reconcile your image as a magazine 
that claims to promote civil liberties 
while you use your money to take away 
the civil liberties of others. 

Steven McClanahan 

Redding, California 


FORUM 


Р О 


When PLAYBOY takes someone to court, 
it’s not because we're after the quick buck 
(litigation is rarely profitable). We're trying 
to protect our property. This magazine has 
fought for decades to protect and expand the 
rights of defendants, and your accusation 
that we would deny anyone a fair fight is 
insulting. 


As an artist and Web designer I fully 
agree with you on the copyright issue. I 
also have a suggestion: Try not to be so 
merciless with the little guys. Perhaps 
you could offer programs that enable 
up-and-coming Web masters to use 
your materials (to your specifications, 
of course). You could then use the re- 
sultant sites for promotion. Let's face 
it: You are a giant in this industry. So 
why not give Opportunities to some of 
the struggling talent out here? This 


FORUM F. V. I. 


NATS TE 


would generate respect for you in the 
Internet community. 

Richard Swelling 

Tucson, Arizona 

If we find someone using our material, we 

send a polite letter asking them to remove it 
from their site. That’s hardly what a reason- 
able person would describe as “merciless.” 
We believe the only place anyone should 
be able to get PLAYBOY images is from 
PLAYEOY. That doesn’t make us enforcers— 
it makes us businesspeople. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number. 312- 
951-2939, E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include your city and state). 


EA 7 


е creators of the campaigns don't 
nea the ae 


‚Put 
the 


boot 


| In. 


The Micra. Ask before 


‚you borrow it 


М Ем 


SIETE: 


OS NT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


-  DBREFREBRHON — 


BONN, GERMANY—The German army 
offered cach of its soldiers $25 to purchase 
their own underwear after finding most 
had abandoned the military’s starched 


whites for more exotic styles. “A lot of the 
soldiers, particularly when they were going 
ош, didn't find them sexy enough or some- 
thing,” a spokesman said. Soldiers will still 
receive olive green briefs for battle. 


5 ЕЕ GE 


RICHMOND, VIRGINIA—A federal ap- 
peals court ruled that a former student 
who accused two Virginia Tech football 
players of rape can sue the men for violat- 
ing her civil rights. The university disci- 
plined one player for abusive conduct, but 
no criminal charges were filed. The wom- 
an argued that the players violated the fed- 
eral Violence Against Women Act. The 
woman also sued Virginia Tech for tolerat- 
ing a “sexually hostile environment.” 


PRISONERS OF LOVE — 


RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA—Nole 10 
bandits: Don’t put horny teenagers in 
charge of the getaway. Two 17-year-olds 
decided to hold up a convenience store and 
recruited a girl and her boyfriend to drive. 
After the robbers collected $200 at gun- 
point, they fled to the unlit dirt road where 
their accomplices had parked. The car 
doors were locked, and the couple told the 
frantic gunmen to be patient. When the 


teens in the car finished having sex, they 
unlocked the doors. Witnesses spotted the 
car as it drove away, and police arrested 
all four in less than an hour. 


bf ALM 


JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI—A Republican 
state representative proposed a law that 
would allow authorities to chop a limb off. 
anyone convicted of using illegal drugs. 
The bill states that the offender and the 
court “must agree on which body part shall 
be removed.” 


WATCH THAT CHILD 


OXNARD, CALIFORNIA—During a traffic 
stop, а man's three-year-old son picked 
something off the floor and leaned out the 
car window. “Here. Bad!” he said to the 
cop, holding out a bag of marijuana, Po- 
lice arrested his father for possession of 
marijuana, drunk driving and child en- 
dangerment. Nevertheless, the dad said he 
was proud of his son. “It makes you want 
to stop using drugs,” he said. Police gave 
the boy a gold sticker. 


lnb? 


WASHINGTON, D.C—4 federal judge 
prevented the Navy from discharging a 
17-year veteran who described his marital 
staius as “gay” on America Online. The 
sailor's user profile also listed his hobbies 
as “boy watching” and “collecting pictures 
of other young studs.” An investigator 
made an anonymous call to AOL to con- 
firm the petty officer's identity. The sailor 
sued, charging that the Navy violated its 
“don't ask, don’t tell” policy and a privacy 
law that says agencies must have a court 
order to get online user data. 


ОШЕНТЕ ~ 


CHESTERTON, INDIANA—A parent who 
launched a campaign to remove a poster 
from a high school classroom because it 
promotes tolerance of homosexuals ex- 
pressed dismay when notorious gay-basher 
Fred Phelps lent his support. (Phelps? 
church runs a Web site called God Hates 
Fags.) “This entire issue has gotten off 
course,” the woman whined, apparently 
concerned that her reputation as a well- 
mannered bigot might be compromised. 
The poster depicts ten figures, including 
Eleanor Roosevelt, Walt Whitman and 


Michelangelo, with the legend “Sexual 
orientation has nothing to do with the abil- 
ity to make a mark, let alone history.” It 
hung peacefully for six years, until the 
woman's son enrolled and his family asked 
Pat Robertson’s American Center for Law 
and Justice to file a complaint. 


WILMINGTON, DELAWARE— A retired 
judge believes he has a way to prevent teen 
pregnancy: Entice girls to delay mother- 
hood. Gil Burnett's Project for Happier 
Lives would offer teenagers a chance to 
win $25 in gifts each month they avoid 
pregnancy. After a year, each girl would be 
eligible to win one of five $5000 cash 
prizes. The county board balked at the pro- 
posal because, as one commissioner put it, 
“I don't think you should pay people to do 
what they are supposed to do anyway.” 


— 0 енені 


EUREKA CALIFORNIA—Sheriff’s depu- 
ties closed the Tip Top Club last year be- 
cause the building’s permit allows only for 
motor-home sales, not topless dancing. So 
the club reopened as Tip Top RV Sales. 
Nou, for a $5 entrance fee, customers can 
relax under disco lights, read brochures 


about RVs and watch performers with 
names such as Airstream and Winnebago. 
One satisfied customer told “The Oakland 
Tribune": “Tm interested in the salesgirls. 
They come and stand by you while you look 
over the material." 


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атал атан SCOTT ADAMS 


а candid conversation with “dilbert’s” creator about the tyranny of cubicles, 


the easy life of consultants and why you're so much smarter than your boss 


“I live by these. They are the office supply 
of the gods.” Scott Adams is surrounded by a 
sea of Post-it. notes—Post-ils attached to 
Post-its attached to Post-its stuck onto his 
desk, computer monitor and the lamp above 
his work space in his home office, a while- 
walled room equipped with computers, audio 
equipment, weights and a pool table. As he 
does almost every day, Adams sits in front of 
his monitor, wading through upwards of 350 
e-mail messages from readers of “Dilbert,” 
his hugely popular comic strip. Besides the 
usual kudos and good-natured jabs, “Dil- 
bert" fans often send Adams offbeat but true 
stories about their workdays. Particularly 
good anecdotes, potential comic-strip fodder, 
are scribbled onto Post-it notes. 

Adams, 40, is gleefully waving one such 
yellow square in the air. “Look at this,” he 
says. “You know the law that requires com- 
panies to put up warning signs if there are 
carcinogens in a work area? Al this guy's 
workplace the warning is on the extr sign.” 

He slaps the Post-it onto the wall. “You 
couldn't make this stuff up,” he says. 

Workplace absurdities have made “Dil- 
bert” one of the few comic strips to become 
both a sensation and a cottage industry. 
Since its debut a decade ago, the strip has 
ventured where no comic has gone before— 
into the land of cubicles and copiers, It has 


“Pm in favor of the death penalty. I'm in fa- 
vor of abortion. I'm in favor of euthanasia. 
I'm in favor of a strong military defense. 
What do all these things have in common? 


I'm basically in favor of killing. 


hilariously skewered management trends, of- 
fice politics and white-collar drudgery, Cru- 
el and incompetent bosses, plus the pervasive 
of people Adams calls “in-duh- 
with emphasis on the “duh"—are 
favorite targets in the strip, which appears 
in 1700 newspapers, on the Internet, in best- 
selling books and on refrigerator magnets, 
coffee mugs, desk calendars, neckties and 
even underwear. 

Before the success of “Dilbert,” Adams 
worked in the kinds of offices he now sati- 
rizes. Back then, he drew cartoons for fun, 
often sketching a nerdy engineer who was a 
compilation of his co-workers, christened 
Dilbert by a colleague. In Adams’ words, Dil- 
bert was “a poster boy for the corporately 
disenfranchised,” 

Adams sent sample “Dilbert” strips to car- 
toon syndicators, and one, United Media, 
signed him up. As the strip began to take off. 
Adams kept his day job—at the telephone 
company, with the technology group respon- 
sible for ISDN (fast-speed data lines). In 
1993 he created a home for Dilbert, called 
the Dilbert Zone, on the Web and published 
his America Online e-mail address in his 
strip. The Net helped popularize “Dilbert,” 
and e-mail from readers helped Adams cre- 
ate the world in which Dilbert lives. The car- 
toon seemed to strike a chord with corporate 


“It’s hard to sleep in a cubicle. The key is 
lo put your back toward the ‘door’ and face 
the computer. Make sure your screen saver 
doesn't activate; if it does, it’s a dead give- 
away that you're not doing anything.” 


sufferers. “There were about 35 million of- 
fice workers in the U.S. all having this 
shared experience, but not knowing that it 
was shared,” Adams once told “Time,” “who 
were going home and not talking about it be- 
cause they assumed it could not be this bad. 
anywhere else.” 

More newspapers signed up, particularly 
when Bill Walterson retired his long-run- 
ning strip, “Calvin and Hobbes,” and space 
opened on the comics pages. Bul it wasn't 
until 1995 that Adams left his day job to be- 
come a full-time cartoonist and run the 
growing “Dilbert” empire. 

Adams had finally fulfilled the dream that 
was formed in the small town of Windham, 
New York, where his father was a postal 
worker, His mother, a homemaker, encour- 
aged him “to be anything I wanted,” he says. 
“She said I could be president. I wanted to be 
Charles Schulz.” 

His cartooning career was derailed early 
when he was rejected by the Famous Artists 
School, to which he applied by mail, at 11; 
he was too young. Being practical, Adams 
gave up on his plans to become a cartoonist 
and majored in economics at Hartwick Col- 
lege in Oneonta, New York. 

After graduating, he entered the work- 
force as a bank teller and manager at Crock- 
er National Bank, got his MBA from the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MZUNO 
“People wonder why employees at Microsoft 
work ungodly hours. It's not why you think, 
If you've got a good mix of the sexes at the of- 
fice, you have about the same odds or better 
of scoring at work as you would al home.” 51 


PLAYBOY 


University of California al Berkeley and 
went to work as an applications engineer at 
Pacific Bell, doodling all the while. He sub- 
mitted several cartoons to magazines such 
as PLAYBOY and “The New Yorker.” Both 
replied with rejection slips (the strips and 
slips can be viewed on his Web site). Years 
later he tried again, but this time he was giv- 
en а chance. In 1989 United Media syndi- 
cated “Dilbert” in about 50 papers. The 
strip—with its soon-familiar list of main 
characters, including Dilbert, with his un- 
ruly necktie; Dogbert, the power-mad, foot- 
ball-shaped dog; Wally, a sharp-tongued co- 
worker; gung-ho Alice; and the unnamed, 
comically incompetent, pointy-haired boss— 
became a staple of office bulletin boards. 

As the strip's popularity grew, Adams pub- 
lished six books, including “The Dilbert 
Principle,” which became a number one 
best-seller in 1996. His latest book is “The 
Dilbert Future,” in which Adams predicts 
that scientists eventually will give up on so- 
lar power and harness the one truly unlimit- 
ed source of energy: stupidity. The 258-page 
book's introduction calls it an “exhaustive 
analysis of the future, in the sense that if you 
held the book above your head for several 
hours, you would become exhausted.” 

One day, as PLaYBoY's top management 
team disappeared to Florida for a weeklong 
retreat complete with bonding exercises, mu- 
tual-trust workshops and, of course, several 
days of golf, we sent Contributing Editor 
David Sheff lo meet Adams in his home office 
in a suburb of San Francisco. Here's Sheff 's 
report: 

Adams’ office is a technophile's heaven, 
with a video-conferencing system for virtual 
book tours, studio-quality audio equipment 
for radio interviews, high-tech drawing 
boards and the expected computers, both 
Macs and PCs. Pue always had both ma- 
chines, though I used to be a Macintosh 
devotee,’ Adams explained. ‘Unfortunately I 
don't have faith that Apple will be around 
for long, so I'm trying to wean myself. It’s 
hind of like when you know somebody is go- 
ing to die, so you try to get yourself ready.” 

“The tour continued through the rest of 
the house, where there is hardly any furni- 
ture, When 1 asked if he had just moved in, 
Adams sighed. “Гос never lived anyplace 
where people didn’t ask if I had just moved 
in,’ he said as he guided me to the backyard, 
with its impressive swimming pool and a 
hammock. ‘The hammock is where 1 do most 
of my work,’ he said, with no hint that he 
was kidding. 

"Adams, who wore glasses, a shirt, Levi's 
and sneakers, explained that his daily sched- 
ule rarely changes. He gets up at six and 
works at his desk. Coffee—in a Dilbert mug. 
of course—is nearby. He draws the day's 
strip freehand and then answers the e-mail 
messages thal require immediate attention. 
Next he works on a new book until early 
evening, when his live-in girlfriend of eight 
years, Pam Okasaki, returns home from her 
Job. fie s still with Pacific Bell. They nor- 
‘mally go out for a late dinner at а local 


52 restaurant (they are both vegetarians) before 


Scott returns to his office to ink, color and 
send off (via the Net) his strips. After that, he 
answers more e-mail while watching TV. 

“Adams takes regular work breaks at the 
pool table. ‘I love it,” he said. And you can't 
fit one of these in a cubicle.” 


PLAYBOY: What's so bad about cubicles? 
ADAMS: If you have a job that requires 
you to think and concentrate, there is 
no way you can do it in a cubicle, If 
you don't have to think or concentrate, 
you're fine. 

PLAYBOY: Is the problem that cubicles are 
too noisy? 

ADAMS: Yes. You've got the sounds of the 
world around you all the time. When 1 
worked in one, I would have a sore neck 
at the end of the day. I couldn't help but 
yank my head around whenever I heard 
anyone walk by. It was an unconscious 
reaction. And I feared someone would 
sneak up behind me when I was playing 
solitaire on my computer. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think lack of privacy is 
the worst part? 

ADAMS: That, and it's hard to sleep in a 
cubicle. It was a big problem for me. 


More and more white-collar 
workers who are laid off are 
discovering that their lives 


aren't over—in many cases, 


they're just beginning. 


Where do you put your head? I learned 
to prop myself up and sleep. The key 
is to put your back toward the “door” 
and face the computer. Make sure your 
screen saver doesn't activate; it if does, 
it's a dead giveaway that you're not do- 
ing anything. You close your eyes and 
take micronaps, which are excellent. It's 
still a problem when your head falls over 
and you get keyboard face. It's proof 
that you haven't been working too hard. 
PLAYBOY: How do people deal with the 
lack of privacy? 

ADAMS: Oddly, people adapt very quick- 
ly. They fool themselves into thinking 
one of two things: either that what 
they're saying isn't so private after all, or 
that other people can't really hear them, 
when they know damn well that anybody 
with normal hearing can. There is also 
some unspoken bond among the cubi- 
cles: I hear yours, you hear mine. It’s 
how you make it possible to live in a cu- 
bicle. Instead of hearing people say, “I 
wanted to say something private but 
couldn't," I hear, “I've heard every detail 
about the life of the guy in the next cubi- 
de and I want to kill him." A huge prob- 


lem is people who check their voice mail 


with their speakerphones on. It can be 
extremely annoying. If that’s happen- 
ing, my advice is that you go to a phone 
that’s untraceable and call whoever is 
playing their messages out loud. Call at 
night and leave suggestive messages that 
the recipient wouldn't want anyone else 
to hear: “Hi, Bob. Bring the leopard 
outfit again next week. The midgets and 
the pony will be here.” Do that every day 
until the person no longer plays his mes- 
sages out loud. 

PLAYBOY: Do companies intentionally use 
cubicles to disallow privacy? 

ADAMS: No. They’re just really cheap. 
PLAYBOY: Have cubicles changed over the 
years? 

ADAMS: They have shrunk and will con- 
tinue to shrink until they eventually be- 
come the size of your head. You'll wear 
the head cubicle like a helmet. It will 
have a little screen. Then companies will 
be able to line you up shoulder to shoul- 
der in a dangerous part of town and save 
a lot of money on real estate. 

PLAYBOY: When you worked in a cubicle, 
did you decorate it? 

ADAMS: I had so little respect for my cu- 
bicle surroundings that I didn’t want 
to dress it up. 1 didn’t want to honor 
it. Many companies don't allow people 
to decorate their cubicles. 1 often hear 
about the cubicle police. They have these 
absurd reasons why you can't decorate 
your cubicle—the acoustics will be dam- 
aged, or it’s a fire hazard, or it will break 
the visual plane. Companies have guide- 
lines about how far window shades can 
be pulled down, so all the shades are at 
the same level. It’s hard to imagine that 
people have nothing else to do but in- 
vent policies like that. 

PLAYBOY: Is that the Dilbert Principle 
at work? 

ADAMS: Exactly. The least-competent 
people get promoted into management 
because you don't want your good peo- 
ple doing unimportant things. I don't 
know how many people think it’s tongue 
in cheek when I say that, but it really is a 
strange time when the people who do 
the work need to be smarter than those 
who are managing them. It's the ulti- 
mate absurdity to put incompetent peo- 
ple in management and think you've 
done a good thing, but it happens all the 
time. These managers have to do some- 
thing for 40 hours a week, so they come 
th window-shade and cubicle-deco- 
rating policies. 

PLAYBOY: At least they're good fodder for 
your comic strip. 

ADAMS: Good fodder is anything inher- 
ently absurd. These managers, because 
they have to do something, may start 
with ideas that were once good manage- 
ment theories, but then they bastardize 
them to where they are ludicrous. 
PLAYBOY: Aren't many of the policies de- 
signed to made the workplace better? 
ADAMS: The reason for many so-called 
innovations is that management has lost 


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its carrots, its incentives. It used to be 
that you could tell workers that if they 
did а good job you'd give them job secu- 
rity and big raises. That has changed. 
Now, if you do a good job, you're as like- 
ly to get fired as someone who does a 
bad job. Everyone knows that. If you're a 
manager, what are you going to do to get 
people to work harder? You bring in the 
carrot juice, open a gym and do stupid 
teamwork exercises where you have 
everyone hanging from ropes in the for- 
est. Then you hand out certificates of ac- 
complishment or stuffed animals or al- 
most anything except cash. It makes 
people nuts. If you're a manager and 
you don't have any tools, just leave me 
alone. Please leave me alone. 

PLAYBOY: Don't the perquisites inspire 
workers? 

ADAMS: | think people have the cause 
and effect backward in this. I remember 
when Apple was going great guns. 
There were stories about how the people 
at Apple could get back rubs at the office 
They had health facilities and other 
things most companies don’t have. The 
myth was that that’s how Apple became 
great—by being so good to its employ- 
ees. Well, as soon as things went bad 
there, the first perk that was discarded 
was the back rub. Even Apple didn't be- 
lieve there was a relationship between 
back rubs and the company's success. 
PLAYBOY: But don’t happier employees 


do better work? 
ADAMS: 1 see a tenuous connection 
That's not to say that it’s not inherently 


good to have happier employees. If 


you're a manager or owner and you can 
do things that make your employees 
happy and don't hurt you too much, do 
them for morale. But do happier em- 
ployees make you richer? My observa- 
tion is that companies do well because 
they have some inherent advantage that 
the employees can’t screw up and man- 
agement can't ruin. Sometimes it’s luck. 
Most often it’s luck, actually. Occasional- 
ly a few shockingly brilliant employees 
do something so spectacular—build the 
Macintosh computer, for instance—that 
no amount of bad management can ruin 
it for years. My theory is that what works 
is finding brilliant employees who are 
perfectly suited to the task, and not 
screwing it up by getting in their way. 
Plus luck. 

PLAYBOY: In general, do you hear that 
people are less discontented at work 
than they were a few years ago? 

ADAMS: The booming economy helps a 
lot because it provides more options. 
And some people are more contented 
because they have made the leap and are 
working for themselves. You hear people 
say, “Gosh, I wish I were as brave as you. 
You left the company and you're work- 
ing for yourself and seem to be doing 
pretty well.” Then they re saying, “I wish 


I were as brave as you and you and you,” 
and at some point they realize there are 
as many people doing the other thing, 
and the number who have failed is zero. 
Nobody starves. Nobody dies. 

PLAYBOY: What about the people left be- 
hind at the office? Are they more or less 
content? 

ADAMS: Less. At least that's what I hear. 
PLAYBOY: Were you just putting a nice 
face on it in The Dilbert Future, or is it true 
that people who were downsized get 
their revenge by being hired back as 
consultants for ten times more money? 
ADAMS: I hear about it constantly. It has 
actually become difficult to hire an em- 
ployee. And nobody's dumb enough to 
be an employee these days. 

PLAYBOY: Because? 

ADAMS: Because people have figured out 
that you want boss diversification. That 
means you don't want to work for one 
boss at one company. Employees have to 
go to the weekly staff meeting, whether 
it’s any good for them or not. They have 
to go to the diversity training, whether 
they need it or not. They have to go to 
chair-safety training, donate blood, show 
up for the hours required, whether they 
are tired or not. That's how employers 
take away 80 percent of your productivi- 
ty. On the other hand, if you become 
your own employee, you can shop your- 
self to five different places and do only 
work, no unproductive stuff. You can 


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charge each company far more than а 
regular employee receives. The compa- 
nies get better work from you, and you 
get five times more money. 

PLAYBOY: The trade-offs are job security 
and benefits. 
ADAMS: Job security? Who do you know 
with job security? 

PLAYBOY: How about benefits? 

ADAMS: You can buy lots of benefits when 
you make five times more money. The 
benefits companies offer are shrinking 
anyway. 

PLAYBOY: But everyone can’t become a 
consultant or a freelance. 

ADAMS: All I know is that more and more 
white-collar workers who are laid off are 
discovering that it was a great thing for 
them. They figure out that their lives 
aren't over—in many cases, they're just 
beginning. I’m not certain how this ap- 
plies to blue-collar workers, but I know 
they're really underpaid. 1 hope the fel- 
low who does my gardening doesn't read 
PLAYBOY, but if he should double his fee 
tomorrow, 1 would pay it without blink- 
ing. I just don’t want to garden. It's not 
how I want to use my time. 

PLAYBOY: What are your favorite man- 
agement trends? 

ADAMS: Teamwork exercises tend to be 
the nuttiest. Ropes courses are really 
nutty. I would like to see the proof that 
people are happier or that profits in- 
crease because somebody has done a 


teamwork exercise. 

PLAYBOY: The theory is that workers 
come back from an experience such as 
that feeling committed to one another 
and to the company. 

ADAMS: I’m willing to look at the scientif- 
ic evidence. With all the e-mail I get, Гус 
never heard a story that suggests that 
these exercises work. Let's say I’ve got- 
ten 50,000 e-mail messages. Many of 
them were about teamwork exercises. 
Nobody has ever reported: “It sure 
seems like things are working better 
here.” Гуе not even heard an anecdotal 
report. I just hear that the exercise itself 
was stupid or degrading. 

PLAYBOY: What exercise was particularly 
ridiculous? 

ADAMS: For me, the trust exercise, I had 
to fall back and have a co-worker catch 
me. She decided in advance that I was 
probably too heavy. She outweighed me, 
by the way. I fell square on my ass. 
PLAYBOY: That was your lesson in trust? 
ADAMS: Yes. Then there are the ones 
where you work as a team to solve a little 
artificial puzzle. I remember getting re- 
ally annoyed that the people who had 
the loudest mouths dominated those 
groups. I would come away thinking, 
Man, a lot of people really suck. That's 
all I got out of it. 1 doubt if the assholes 
who ruined the exercises thought to 
themselves afterward, Hey, I ruined this 
whole exercise. I think I'll change. 


PLAYBOY: What's the newest thing in 
management gimmicks, according to. 
your readers? 

ADAMS: People hate the microtrend of 
employers trying to keep people work- 
ing in their cubicles. I hear about people 
who put little signs on their cubicles: THE 
DOOR Is CLOSED. There is no door, of 
course, but they're trying to tell people 
to leave them alone. There are also a 
growing number of companies that do 
not allow employees to use e-mail within 
certain hours. 

PLAYBOY: Why? Is there too much social- 
izing by e-mail? 

ADAMS: The theory is that e-mail diverts 
you from higher-priority stuff because 
it’s an easy and seductive thing to use. 
I certainly agree that people overuse 
e-mail, but not that restricting it to cer- 
tain hours solves the problem. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of compa- 
nies that restrict their employees’ access 
to the Internet? 

ADAMS: Anybody who tries to manage 
having fun at work has missed the 
biggest change of the Nineties, which is 
that work and home and leisure have 
melded into one thing. Trying to force 
people to separate them will backfire. 
When I had day jobs, I always did my 
best work during my shower before I 
went to work. That's when I did all my 
planning. There's no way that that isn't 
work, though it doesn’t show up on the 


PLAYBOY 


time sheet. When you say the time your 
employees are at work belongs to work, 
and the time they're home belongs to 
work too, you're being absurd. You've 
lost sight of how people operate, and 
you take away their flexibility to manage 
their time in the way that works best for 
them. Some people stay up late working. 
The phones aren't ringing and they get 
an enormous amount done. Some peo- 
ple are preparing in the morning when 
they're in the shower. So if they get to 
work and surf the Web for fun for an 
hour, is that wrong? There's just no way 
that's bad. It's a Big Brother thing. Man- 
agement will filter certain Web sites so 
you can’t get to them. The Dilbert Zone 
is filtered by a number of companies. So 
is Playboy, 

PLAYBOY: So companies try to block hu- 
mor and sex? Are they successful? 
ADAMS: Are you kidding? You cannot 
stop sex. 

PLAYBOY: In cubicles? 

ADANS: It’s certainly harder to do it ina 
cubicle, but it's not unheard of. It makes 
the existence of locked conference rooms 
all the more important. 

PLAYBOY: So one finds alternatives to the 
cubicle. 

ADAMS: The telephone closet turns out to 
be an excellent place. 

PLAYBOY: Which you know from first- 
hand experience? 

ADAMS: I’m told it is. Also, company cars 


in the parking lot. Cubicles are for the 
adventurous. There is a cubicle club, just 
like the mile-high club. Let's just say I’m 
aware of people who've had sex in cubi- 
des. I've been assured that some of these 
stories are true. 

PLAYBOY: Was there a lot of sex going on 
in the offices where you worked? 

ADAMS: Yeah. You hear about it. by acci- 
dent sometimes. Once, a woman was 
telling a friend in the office, who she 
used to date, about her new boyfriend. 
The two had remained close, so she was 
giving an update to the old boyfriend in 
vivid detail, even comparing the old 
boyfriend, in specific ways, to the cur- 
rent one, who worked in the same office. 
She relayed this all by e-mail and by mis- 
take hit the “reply to all” button. “All” in 
this case included the guy she was talk- 
ing about and just about everyone else. 
It also went to the co-worker's mother, 
because she was on the list of recipients 
of the original message. I thought that 
was pretty good: telling a mother by e- 
mail about the sex you had with her son. 
PLAYBOY: Do certain companies haye 
more sex going on than others? 

ADAMS: Definitely. You can break it down 
by industry. You don't hear so much 
about the aerospace companies; 1 don't 
know why, Banks are wild places. Every- 
body in the financial industry has a lot of 
hormones. In software companies, too. 
PLAYBOY: Why software companies? 


ADAMS: Much of it is age related. Those 
companies tend to have a younger work- 
er base. The companies with the young 
women are where the action is. People 
always wonder why employees at compa- 
nies like Microsoft work ungodly hours. 
It's not why you think. If you've got a 
good mix of the sexes at the office, you 
have about the same odds or better of 
scoring at work as you would if you were 
to go home. That counts for people who 
say they have to work all night. If people 
of the opposite sex who have the same 
interests as you are going to be there all 
night too, your chances aren't bad. If 1 
go to the office cafeteria at two am, I'm 
going to run into some eligible person I 
have a lot in common with. I won't if 1 go 
home. You don't have to say, "What's 
your sign?" You can say, "How's your 
project going?" It’s far more conducive 
to getting lucky. 

PLAYBOY: We thought it vas Microsoft's 
workers' passionate commitment to Win- 
dows 98 and Bill Gates that kept them 
working all night. 

ADAMS: All I know is that if you put a 
bunch of young people in the same 
place, you don't need to add a lot. Simi- 
lar-minded people of mating age are 
consciously being brought together in a 
large community. The odds of procre- 
ation are high. What effect will that have 
down the line? If you work for Microsoft 
in Redmond, your odds of marrying 


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another Microsoft person seem pret- 
ty good. Does it mean there will be a 
bunch of supersmart babies in Redmond 
over the next few hundred years? 
PLAYBOY: Beyond Microsoft, how impor- 
tantis sex to the world of work? 

ADAMS: It sure makes it fun. And you can 
be assured it's going on because some- 
times you can see it. At night, it's easier 
to see into the buildings across from you. 
‘Their windows have gone from opaque 
to transparent because of the change in 
sunlight. People have been caught. A 
building 1 worked in in San Francisco 
has mirrored windows; from the outside, 
it's not entirely obvious that you can see 
out from the inside. The building over- 
looks a parking garage. One day, on the 
roof of this garage, two people decided 
to have vigorous sex. All the phones 
started ringing throughout our build- 
ing, with everybody saying, “Go to the 
east window.” Within minutes, the entire 
building was watching. They were going 
at it like crazy. The funniest moment was 
when a security guard arrived. You see 
him slowly walking over. The couple 
scrambles to get on their clothes. You 
can't hear anything, but you see him 
talking to them. Then you see him ges- 
turing toward our building. He's clearly 
saying that at least a thousand people 
were watching them have sex. You see 
these two people look at the building. 
They realize they were entertainment 


for a thousand people. It was a wonder- 
ful moment. 

1 love those stories because I love to 
think that people are having more fun 
than I am. Doing it in a cubicle has to 
be the ultimate fun, because not only 
are you having sex, you're also getting 
paid for it. It doesn’t get any better than 
that, and more and more people are go- 
ing to be able to do it. 

PLAYBOY: Be paid to have sex? 

ADAMS: Yeah. Telecommuting is where 
sex in the workplace is going. It’s an ad- 
vantage of working at home, maybe the 
biggest advantage. People who work at 
home are often able to work it out so 
their sex partners are at home at the 
same time. 

PLAYBOY: What happens then? 

ADAMS: They have sex. Let me try to 
explain 

PLAYBOY: But what about the work that is 
supposed to get done? 

ADAMS: The work gets done. But in the 
meantime, you're being paid to have 
sex. It's my version of heaven. 

PLAYBOY: How concerned are people 
about sexual harassment these days? 
ADAMS: Women are very concerned. 
They often write and mention that it's a 
huge problem. I hear it all the time. Oc- 
casionally, a woman will write and say, “I 
can't take this to the authorities need 
my job. But please do something about 
this so that Ї can at least get some satis- 


faction in your comic strip.” 

PLAYBOY: Do people often write you for 
that type of help? 

ADAMS: They do. Sometimes I'm the 
court of last resort. 

PLAYBOY: What do men say about sexual 
harassment? 

ADAMS: І get the impression that if a guy 
wants to hit on someone, he's at least 
aware that it would be a bad thing if the 
person works for him. They may be do- 
ingit, but they know it's wrong. Another 
result of sexual harassment complaints is 
that employces must take training semi- 
nars. People generally find them com- 
pletely absurd. Usually there is some 
role playing and some hokey movie. It's 
usually done by human resources peo- 
ple, who are not known for their ability 
to do much of anything. 

PLAYBOY: One character in your strip, 
Catbert, is a particularly evil head of hu- 
man resources. Does that sum up your 
view of that job? 

ADAMS: Human resources departments 
are happy to make your job as difficult аз 
possible. I hear from a lot of human re- 
sources people who love Catbert. The 
reason, they say, is that they actually feel 
evil and like it. I would never have be- 
lieved the number of people who say, 
“I am entirely evil. I intentionally do 
mean things to employees and I like it.” 
I can only offer my pop psychology ex- 
planation. I think they feel like second- 


PLAST BED КУ 


class citizens because they're disconnect- 
ed from the thing that produces value 
for the company. They have complexes. 
There is a little bit of an “I can prove I 
exist by hurting you” thing here. 
PLAYBOY: Has Catbert hurt people in 
your strip in ways that are based on real 
experiences? 

ADAMS: The classic is that a company is 
desperately in need of hiring people. 
Everyone is overworked. They go to hu- 
man resources to find out how the 
search is going and they're told, “We 
didn’t know you wanted anybody.” 
Somehow the human resources people 
always forget that they should be hiring 
people. It can’t be an accident; it must 
be intentional. Or they'll have require- 
ments for jobs that make it impossible 
to find anyone. They'll be looking for 
someone who has ten years’ experience 
programming in Java. Java has been 
around for only three years. That can’t 
be a mistake. It seems too boneheaded 
to be a mistake. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever hear stories about 
nice human resources people? 

ADAMS: I knew one human resources di- 
rector who had a wry sense of humor. 1 
liked him very much. He told me about 
someone he had been counseling who 
was having trouble with his life and 
work. He counseled the guy in the 
morning and afterward was sitting in hi: 
office, gazing out the window. He saw 


the guy fly by—he committed suicide. 
My friend said, “I sat there thinking to 
myself that 1 hadn’t done a very good job 
that day.” 

PLAYBOY: Has that story gone into Dilbert? 
ADAMS: Some things are so bizarre that 
people wouldn't believe them. They'd 
say, "He's completely lost touch." 
PLAYBOY: What other real stories have 
been too far-out to use? 

ADAMS: They come in all the time. Yes- 
terday I heard one that was too amusing. 
to use. Somebody was trying to work and 
his boss was hovering over his desk, pac- 
ing, before a big meeting. The employee 
said, "Will you stop pacing? You're driv- 
ing me crazy." The boss replied serious- 
ly, “It's my prerogative if I want to pay 
you to go crazy." 

PLAYBOY: On the other hand, what real 
stories have made it into the strip? 
ADAMS: Many of the strips are based on 
real stories. I recently did one in which 
somebody has to share a cubicle with a 
photocopier. That is real. What could be 
more disruptive than having a photo- 
copier in your cubicle, with people com- 
ing in and making copies all day? And 
this one is real: You know those little 
stress balls that people squeeze? Some- 
body was squeezing the stress ball and 
it broke on his keyboard and ruined it 
and ruined his whole day, which caused 
more stress than he could ever have 
imagined. 


PLAYBOY: When you worked in an office, 
did you keepa journal of the type of out- 
rageous stories that now make it into 
the strip? 

ADAMS: I wasn't keeping a journal, men- 
tal or otherwise. I was just working. I ac- 
tually started out working more exuber- 
antly than most people. I started as a 
bank teller, but I was pretty sure I was 
going to rise through the ranks of man- 
agement and run a multinational corpo- 
ration in no time flat. 

PLAYBOY: You eventually became a man- 
ager at thc bank. Were you a good one? 
ADAMS: One cannot see one’s own man- 
agement errors. So I don't know. 
PLAYBOY: Did you like being a manager? 
ADAMS: 1 loved it. It was the best part of 
my career. I got a really big cubicle, and 
then, for a while, I actually had an office. 
PLAYBOY: How much of a difference did 
that make? 

ADAMS: Enormous difference. I loved it. 
1 could close the door and make person- 
al phone calls. I could play around 
‘There wasn't a day when I didn't walk 
into work in my bad little suit, walk into 
that office and think, I could do this for 
30 years. At the same time, I can't say my 
experience is common, because I've nev- 
er heard from anybody so fixated on the 
actual walls and door as I was. То me, it 
was the difference between enjoying and 
not enjoying my work. All the other stuff 
was far less important. Then I lost my 


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office and went back to a cubicle. It 
sucked big time. It was softened by the 
fact that I got a big cubicle, but then I left 
the bank and went to Pacific Bell and got 
an even smaller cubicle. It was downhill 
after my halcyon office days. 

PLAYBOY: After Dilbert took off, you kept 
your phone-company job. Why? 

ADAMS: A funny thing happens when 
you don't have to work, when you have 
enough money that you can leave any 
time you want: All the bad things about 
the job disappear. As soon as you know 
you don't have to be there, the things 
that are bad no longer bother you. You 
go from being a person who is going to 
have a heart attack because you have no 
control over your life to one who is very 
contented. It’s just like the janitor who 
wins the lottery and still goes to work 
every day. I love working with technolo- 
gy. There was a structure. It was pay, and 
the pay was pretty good. There weren'ta 
lot of reasons to leave. 

PLAYBOY: Were your co-workers resentful 
of your success? 

ADAMS: Instead of being resentful, peo- 
ple were living vicariously through me. I 
was the cubicle dweller who'd found a 
way to escape. Though I hadn't escaped 
yet, I could. People were genuinely 
thrilled that someone like them could 
find a way out. It gave them hope. 1 was 
just one of the people doing things on 
the outside too. The office was like a 


Middle Eastern bazaar because everyone 
was selling stuffed animals or Amway or 
Avon products. It was a regular free 
market. There were a lot of professional 
musicians. My theory is that creativity is 
kind of like a tube of toothpaste. It has to 
get out. So if they can’t use it in their 
work, people transfer their creativity to 
other areas. 

PLAYBOY: Had you not become successful 
as a cartoonist, would you still have cre- 
ated cartoons to express your creativity? 
ADAMS: There was a point before Dilbert 
got syndicated when I promised myself 
that I would draw a cartoon every day 
until I got something published. You 
have to know this about me: If I said it, I 
would have done it. I would have been 
95 and drawing a cartoon on the day 
1 died. 

PLAYBOY: And what would that cartoon 
have been? 

ADAMS: I'm sure it would have been 
about me converting to Christianity, just 
in case. 

PLAYBOY: Did the power shift when you 
were making more money than your 
bosses? 

ADAMS: In a sense, I’m very much like 
my Dogbert character. Dogbert gets all 
his power from his attitude. His attitude 
is that he has power. I have always gen- 
uinely felt that people have only as 
much power over me as I am willing to 
give them. 


PLAYBOY: But bosses do have power over 
their workers, 

ADAMS: Not really. Ultimately you can 
kill anybody you want. 

PLAYBOY: Rather than do an unpleasant 
task? 

ADAMS: Definitely. My manager can or- 
der me to do something, but for me not 
to kill that person at that moment is 
clearly a choice I make. It’s always a 
choice—a choice to do the assignment, 
quit and become a circus performer or 
Kill all the people around me. I never felt 
that I was under the control of any other 
person. Maybe that was part of the prob- 
lem with me. 

PLAYBOY Did your co-workers start to 
treat you differently when Dilbert became. 
successful? 

ADAMS: I would go to meetings and peo- 
ple would say things and then look at me 
to see if I was going to write them down. 
If I didn't, they'd say, "Aren't you going 
to write that down?” Also, people started 
returning phone calls. That had been 
unheard of in my career. I had less than 
a 30 percent returned phone call rate for 
the first 15 years. I would call somebody 
and just assume they would never call 
me back because there wasn't anything 
in it for them. Suddenly everybody 
would call me back. They'd say, "So, 
how's that Dogbert doing?" In the last 
year or two, I had this totally artificial 
existence that warped everything. 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: It sounds as if people liked the 
idea of being immortalized in the strip. 
Did you ever hear from people who 
were offended? 

ADAMS: Never. No one ever saw them- 
selves in the strip. I changed their gen- 
der. No man ever thinks a female char- 
acter could be him, even if I use an exact 
quote. 

PLAYBOY: In general, do you worry about 
g people with the strip? 

: I have no problem offending 
people intentionally. If it’s accidental, 
I worry. 

PLAYBOY: When have you accidentally of- 
fended people? 

ADAMS: In a recent Dilbert series, the boss 
was on a plane trip and the plane went 
down. The boss survived with only mi- 
nor hair injuries, and he explained why: 
The plane was full of nuns. Wally said, 
“You mean prayer saved you?” and the 
boss said, “No, padding. Those nuns 
don't do a lot of aerobics in the nun- 
nery.” It shouldn't have surprised me, 
but you wouldn't believe the number of 
complaints I got. 

PLAYBOY: From nuns? 

ADAMS: From everyone. Nuns were very 
upset. Guess why? They said God needs 
their bodies to be fit to do his work, so 
most nuns are in extremely good physi- 
cal shape. Makes sense, but who knew? 
The most serious complaints were from 
people who fly a lot. They took it the 
worst. They said it’s wrong to joke about 
airplane crashes. I also got complaints 
about my killing nuns from religious 
people, and complaints about my killing 
bosses. 

PLAYBOY: Who complained that you were 
killing bosses? 

ADAMS: Bosses. 

PLAYBOY: Are you often surprised by your 
readers’ reactions? 

ften. Wally recently got a mail- 
ride from the tiny, impoverished 
nation of Elbonia. The Elbonians sent 
hima pigin a wig. Who would complain 
about that? Let's see: People complained 
that I was making fun of the country El- 
bonia, because they thought it was wha 
ever country they came from. Albanians 
complained that I was making fun of Al- 
bania. In fact, every republic that broke 
away from the Soviet Union is pretty 
sure it’s their country. So are many Mid- 
dle Eastern countries. Elbonia was inten- 
tionally based on nothing so I wouldn't 
have this problem. I also got complaints 
from mail-order-bride companies. I'm 
not sure they call themselves that, but 
they arrange marriages with women 
from other countries. They said 1 was in- 
sinuating that their brides are pigs. I 
wasn't. The whole point was that Wally 
got an actual pig—that he got ripped off 
and was sent a real pig. Of course 1 also 
got complaints from women who said I 
was saying that women are pigs. I won't 
even dignify that with a comment. Most 


60 recently, a woman decided that Elbonia 


isa play on “eubonics,” and that I was in- 
sinuating something about the facial 
characteristics of African Americans by 
using a pig. Who could have anticipated 
that sort of criticism? You’re probably 
thinking, Oh, these are bizarre, incredi- 
ble examples. No. There's not a day that 
goes by when somebody doesn’t make 
you wonder if the whole Darwinian 
thing has gone wrong. 

PLAYBOY: On the other hand, are your 
readers ever right when they see things 
you didn't intend? 

ADAMS: All the time. One time I did a 
cartoon about the United Nations in 
which I drew people from foreign coun- 
tries. Someone wrote in about one char- 
acter in a turban and said, “That charac- 
ter is a penis." I swear I wasn't thinking 
that when I drew it, but the guy was 
right. It looks like a gigantic cock. What 
can 1 say? 

PLAYBOY: How do you respond when 
people write that a cartoon isn't funny? 
ADAMS: Sometimes Pll do a cartoon that 
isn't funny but that I believe people will 
like because they relate to it. 

PLAYBOY: Do you try out cartoons on 
your friends? 

ADAMS: Other people's opinions don't 
help. If their opinions on cartoons were 
that good, they would be cartoonists. 
PLAYBOY: Do critics' opinions affect you? 
ADAMS: There aren't really any cartoon 
critics. I get critical comments from 
readers. One of the pluses of getting 350 
e-mail messages a day is that at least 100 
of them are going to be about my being 
the god of cartooning. Then if three 
people say, "Don't quit your day job," it 
doesn't have nearly the impact. The 
truth is, I'm not terribly affected by neg- 
ative stuff. The opinions of people who 
don't like my work are irrelevant. The 
people who like it matter completely. 
PLAYBOY: Did you learn that lesson the 
hard way? 

ADAMS: Rejection always kind of bounces 
off me. I don't know if it’s a philosophy 
or just the way chemicals work in my 
brain. I'm just not terribly affected by 
it, which is good. I never was, even as 
a child. 

PLAYBOY: Did you draw when you were 
a child? 

ADAMS: I don't remember a time when 1 
wasn't doodling. My mother was a reflex 
doodler. If you put a pen in her hand 
she would draw pictures. It's my earliest 
imprint. 

PLAYBOY: Your father, meanwhile, was in 
management at the post office. Was he 
disgruntled? 

ADAMS: He was the most disgruntled. I 
had to keep the firearms away from him. 
He's retired now. 

PLAYBOY: How old were you when you 
decided you wanted to be a cartoonist? 
ADAMS: From the time 1 was conscious of 
the world, at four or five years old, 1 was 
sure I would be a cartoonist when I grew 
up. 1 had one of those mothers who say, 


“You can be anything you want when 
you grow up.” I believed it. I was a little 
kid. What did I know? She seemed to 
know more than I did. 
PLAYBOY: Did real life ever dash with 
that? 
ADAMS: Yes, when I was 12 and went 
through this hideous rational period of 
my life. I started understanding statisti- 
cal import. I looked around and said, 
“Wait a minute. There are 4 billion peo- 
ple in the world. There is only one 
Charles Schulz. I bet I'm not the only 
one who wants that job. What's wrong 
here?" Then I thought, Maybe I ought 
to become a lawyer. 
PLAYBOY: А lawyer? 
ADAMS: 1 lived in a very small town. We 
had 2000 people, a quarter of the num- 
ber at the Pacific Bell headquarters 
where I later worked. There were two 
good jobs that I knew about. One was 
doctor and one was lawyer. 1 didn't like 
gucky stuff, so 1 chose lawyer. I majored 
in economics because that seemed as 
good as anything and I liked money. 
Sull, there was never a time when I 
wasn't drawing, If I was in class I was 
drawing obscene pictures of my teachers 
doing obscene things with all manner of 
obscene objects. That got me through 
the day. 
PLAYBOY: What cartoons did you read 
while growing up? 
ADAMS: Peanuts. It is the reason that I'm a 
cartoonist. 
PLAYBOY: Charles Schulz has been creat- 
ing Peanuts for 50 years. Will you go on 
that long? 
ADAMS: I don't know. I plan to live to 
140. If you ask me if ГЇЇ do this cartoon 
for another 100 years, the answer is no. 
PLAYBOY. What is it that causes cartoon- 
ists to burn ош? 
ADAMS: My promise is that I will never 
describe myself as burnt out. Deep 
down, I know that what I do is easier 
than almost anybody's job. I do exactly 
as much of it as I want. I guess ГЇЇ never 
relate to the words burnt out. 
PLAYBOY: Three enormously popular car- 
toonists, Gary Larson, Berke Breathed 
and Bill Watterson, recently retired. Did 
they burn out? 
ADAMS: I suspect that once you've got 
$25 million in the bank, the amount of 
work that causes you to burn out is dif- 
ferent. I think Gary Larson has sold 33 
million books to date- 
PLAYBOY: Are you a Far Side fan? 
ADAMS: Oh God, yes. Larson may in fact 
be, for the single panel, the best ever. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have a favorite Far Side? 
ADAMS: Everybody does. An alien comes 
to Earth and a farmer is greeting him. 
The alien is shaped like a forearm with a 
hand on top. The farmer grabs the alien 
and is shaking it as though it were a big 
hand. The punch line is something like 
“Farmer Roy, in an attempt to be friend- 
ly, grasps the alien by the head and, 
(continued on page 150) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He's a man on the go. Whether it’s a business trip or a promising getaway with the new sales rep, 
he picks lodgings that are classy and suited for service. Last year PLAYBOY men checked into their 
favorite hotels and inns 32 million times. That’s more than the readers of Men’s Health and Es- 
quire combined. And he drove up in a Mercedes, which was only natural—one in eight Mer- 
cedes are owned by PLAYBOY men. PLAYBOY—it's a lifestyle. (Source: Spring 1997 MRI.) Wa 61 


62 


WHEN THE PRESIDENT INVITES 
A FAMOUS FEMALE CONSERVATIVE 
TO STAY IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM 
EVERYONE GETS INTO HOT WATER 


HUMOR 
By ARIANNA HUFFINGTON 


J) rini a sma. sense of restless 
| regret I found myself back 
in the Lincoln Bedroom, 

pondering a night of high- 
ly interactive television with my new- 
found electronic friend, or perhaps 
reading something racy like Leaves of 
Grass. But no sooner had I flopped 
down, fully dressed, on the famous- 
ly uncomfortable mattress than I felt 
something poking me insistently in the 
back. At first I thought I had maybe en- 
countered a crystal wallaby from the 
Australian PM, or a Camembert Eiffel 
Tower from President Chirac, or per- 
haps the shell of a recently discarded 
intern. But upon closer examination, it 
turned out to be a small bouquet of 
flowers with an envelope attached that 
said “Read me.” 

1 opened it to find a note with a cryp- 
tic message from my friend Jack Quinn. 
It read: “Meet you near the South 
Lawn by the swimming pool in five. 
Wear your bathing or birthday suit.” 

Normally, Га be a little dubious 
about putting on my bathing suit and 
wandering around a strange house, 
particularly the White House. I re- 
minded myself that this president was 
capable of construing a modest glance 


as a shameless come-on. But although 
Jack Quinn was not, perhaps, totally 
trustworthy (he was a big fund-raiser, 
after all), he was a gentleman and an 
officer of the court. I put on a modest 
floral number and a terrycloth robe 
that I found in my closet. 

I hurried down the stairs through 
the cold to the Rose Garden. I thrust 
my hands into the pockets of my robe 
for warmth and found a small card. 
It read: “This robe is provided for each 
guest in the Lincoln Bedroom as a 
courtesy. If you would like to take it 
home with you as a souvenir of your 
stay, it is available for purchase for 
$10,000, payable to the Democratic 
National Committee.” 

As | approached the foot of the Rose 
Garden, I heard a cheery bubbling 
sound. When I peered over a hedge, I 
beheld an image right out of Hierony- 
mus Bosch. A group of chubby men 
were being slowly boiled in a gigantic 
noke rose from their heads. The 
entire scene was lit with a ghastly un- 
derwater glow. Their faces were frozen 
in different expressions of horror, their 
mouths agape 

Then the man in the center brought 
a smoking cigar from behind his head 


ILLUSTRATION EY SEBASTIANKRUGER 


PLAY BOT 


64 


where he'd been holding it, and took a 
long, luxuriant drag. In the glow ofthe 
cigar I could see it was the president. 

“It’s all right, guys. Its not my wife. 
You can relight those stogies now.” He 
gestured to a pair of Secret Service 
men standing nearby. They were wear- 
ing shades, earpieces, holstered Glock 
9s and regulation black Speedos. 
Gooseflesh stood on their skin in neat 
military rows, and they did their best 
not to shiver. “You guys keep a sharp 
lookout, you hear? If Hillary starts 
heading this way, I want enough time 
to put out my cigar without having to 
dip it in the tub.” He added, to himself, 
“1 lose more good smokes that way. .. - 
Ihen he looked up at me again. “Hi, 
Arianna. Come on in and join us. 
We've been expecting you.” 

I stuck a toe in the hot tub, a trifle 
warily, then sidled in. The presidentin- 
troduced me. 

“You know Jack, of course.” He indi- 
cated Quinn, who gave me a friend- 
ly wave. “This is Web Hubbell, and this 
is Strobe Talbott.” Hubbell was very 
large, very hairy and very sullen—like 
a dog that couldn't shake itself dry. He 
glared at me from across the hot tub. 
Talbott was tall and slim and very po- 
lite. The president pointed to two 
ian gentlemen sitting next to Strobe. 
"And this is. . . ." He appeared to rack 
his brains. "Aw. hell, just introduce 
yourselves, guys.” They did. One said 
his name was Herbie Woo, the other, 
Buddy Hong. 

There were seven of us in all, full ca- 
pacity for the famous hot tub (although 
earlier in the day Socks told me Clinton 
had had as many as 14 interns in it one 
night while Hillary was at the Women's 
Conference in Beijing). No one seemed 
to mind the close quarters much, сх- 
cept maybe Strobe, whose glasses kept 
fogging up. Clinton seemed fully in his 
element—one arm around Buddy, the 
other snaking its way, as though it had 
a mind of own, toward me. This was 
a state-of-the-art whirlpool and, oddly 
enough, as I settled between Hubbell 
and Hong, I heard the president re- 
mark that it was even invisible to radar. 
Astealth tub. 

Before I could figure out what еуеп- 
tuality this was meant for, frantic hand 
signals from the Secret Service men 
shook me from my reverie. They were 
puffing out their cheeks and panto- 
miming to the president, who wasn't 
quite getting their meaning. “What are 
um saying, guys? Big? Big hair? Huge 

hair? Monica? No? Fat? Bloated? Hey, 
everybody! Newt's here!" 

Sure enough, coming down the Rose 
Garden path was Newt Gingrich, along 
with three guards of his own. His secu- 
rity guards had fanned out around 
him, and woe betide the innocent rose- 


bush or other shrubbery that got in 
their way. 

“Hey, Newt,” the president called, 
“did you bring your Contract With 
America? I wantto take another look at 
it. It's just full of good ideas.” Jack, Web 
and Strobe found this very amusing. 
Hong and 9 looked baffled. I chuck- 


8. iNew reached into his pants 
and grabbed his testicles. “You bet, Mr. 
President. I’ve got my Contract With 
America right here. 1 brought it with me 
so I could tattoo it on your ass.” 

The president threw his head back 
and roared. “Come on in here, you old 
so-and-so. I want to watch a real man 
boil in this thing for a change.” He 
turned to the Chinese men. “Sorry, 
guys, your time’s up. We need the 
seats. Don't forget to sign the guest 
book on your way out.” Woo and Hong 
looked even more confused. Clinton 
bobbed his head at the Secret Service 
men, who came over, lifted them out of 
the hot tub and carried them off. 

Newt lowered himself in, easily fill- 
ing the space lefi by Woo and Hong. 

Although Newt's guards and the 
president's men eyed one another war- 
ily, the Speaker and Clinton seemed 
exceptionally matey. 

Newt grunted with satisfaction. 
“Ahhh, this is livin’. Can’t beat it with a 
stick, right? 

I murmured assent, but he was living 
it up. Sitting in a radarproof hot tub 
with genial company, looking up at the 
stars, protected from Washington's 
simmering underclass by the world's 
best security team and an antimissile 
defense system—no, you couldn't beat 
it with a stick. Not by a long shot. 

It was then that Newt appeared to 
notice me for the first time. 

“Jesus wept! What the hell is she do- 
ing here? Rocco! Get this broad 

One of Newt's henchmen made a 
move toward me. At a wave from the 
president, Clinton's boys blocked his 
path. 

"She's with me, Newt. She's all 
right." Newt's cronies backed off, but 
the Speaker was still highly agitated. 

"I should have known she was one of 
yours. She's your type. But come to 
think of it, every woman is your type. 
1 should have known when she de- 
scribed me in her column as ‘almost 
Leninist’ just because I'm determined 
to set right any supposed conservative 
who dares to hurt our cause by publicly 
questioning my leadership.” 

“Aw, c'mon, Newt, lighten up. After 
all, she called me an ‘ethical cripple’ or 
some such thing.” Clinton turned to us, 
his tubmates. “But we're off duty now. 
Here at the White House, we work 
hard, we fund-raise hard and we play 
hard. We're the Dallas Cowboys of pol- 


itics, only we have committed more 
felonies.” 

As Newt settled in for a sulky soak, 1 
took a closer look at Clinton. I'd often 
thought the president looked slack- 
jawed and dopey when I'd seen him on 
television—mainly because he usually 
stands around with his mouth open, 
which makes him look dumb. But here, 
close-up, I could feel that legendary 
magnetism and, yes, the sexual alert- 
ness that had produced а double-digit 
gender gap and made it possible for 
him to keep a harem of interns at the 
White House. Maybe, barring cam- 
paign finance reform, we can at least 
make all the candidates wear swimsuits. 
But I guess Mitch McConnell would 
never let that happen, either. 

Clinton took note of Gingrich’s pout. 

“Hey, Newt, Гуе got to make my 
wiener alittle leaner. Care to join me?” 

“I was just thinking the same thing, 
Mr. President. Got to shake a little dew 
off the lily. Besides, a hot tub will drop 
your sperm count below measurable 
levels. You'll be shootin’ blanks." The 
president looked deeply concerned for 
a moment, until Newt winked. They 
both laughed loudly. 

The president and the Speaker 
moved off a discreet distance, where, 
guarded by the Secret Service, they 
urinated on some rosebushes. Another 
happy splashing sound joined the bub- 
bly chorus from the hot tub. 

The two men talked intensely for five 
minutes, just out of earshot. I could 
catch only a word here and there, but it 
seemed there was some serious politi- 
cal horse-trading going on. 1 thought I 
overheard the phrases “cooking the 
books,” “couldn't keep her big mouth 
shut” and “balanced budget, my foot,” 
but I couldn't swear to it. Then one 
voice said, “CBO numbers,” and I 
thought the other replied, “my own 
damn numbers,” and then J heard rau- 
cous laughter. 

No wonder the glass ceiling bars 
women from ascending, I thought. 
Shared bodily functions are part of a 
timeless male-bonding ritual, one that 
s men as different as Clinton and 
Gingrich and, in turn, bonds them toa 
family tree of human leaders that goes 
all the way back to the first Neander- 
thal and Cro-Magnon who put down 
their clubs and chose, instead, to go 
have a pee together. 

Not bothering with goodbyes, I 
climbed out of the hot tub and hurried 
away; Web, silent the entire time, was 
making me nervous. Jovial shouts of 
“Hey, let's cross swords!” receded in 
the distance. 

I strolled leisurely back toward the 
White House. Then, over the crunch of 

(concluded on page 144) 


“Hold all calls. I've found a real beauty!” 


HEY САМЕ from across the эса, 
armed witha couple of videos, 
five suitcases full of impossi- 
bly short skirts, a handful of 
infectious songs (“Tell me what 
you want, what you really, really 
want") and a slogan: girl power. 
Their reputation, promulgated 
across a great number of magazine 
covers, preceded them: They were 
the peppy, sexy new antidote to all 
those sullen, grungy boy bands 
that had come to dominate British 


GERI HALLIWELL 
PROVES 

THAT GINGER IS 
THE FLAVOR 
Of ТЇЇ MONTH 


Before these girls, popular music's favorite spices were parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. But naw five zesty 
new seasonings tap the pap shelves: (fram left) Sparty, Baby, Scary, Ginger and Posh, a.k.a. Melanie 
Chishalm, Emma Bunton, Melanie Brawn, Geri Halliwell and Victoria Adams. Geri's Union Jack ruled at last 
year's Brit Awards in Landon. In times past, Geri needed neither the flag nor any ginger ta spice things up. MM 67 


pop music. These young women seemed primed for Stateside stardom by dint of the fact that their first three British singles 
hit number one. That the only previous acts to achieve this feat were Gerry & the Pacemakers, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, 
Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers and Robson & Jerome—a decidedly mixed batch—seems beside the point. These are the 
Spice Girls. Resistance is futile. They hit America running as fast as it's possible to run in platforms. They did lunches, dined 
with the right disc jockeys, visited the right radio stations and made fun of some of those people later. But at the time they 
bubbled, laughed, smiled and thanked everyone for playing their records. In Los Angeles they were delighted to learn that 
their pictures had been painted on the side of a large brick building on Melrose Avenue. So, between promotional chores, 
they hurried to the site to have their pictures taken. When they got there, they sadly watched their mural being replaced by 


Where should a well-bred prince plant his goze? Charles pondered the problem 
(left) as he greeted Geri of a concert in Manchester last fall; later, girl power met 
the royal power girl, Queen Elizabeth II (above), after a performance in Landan. 


70 


ШЇЇ 


Geri says “fun ond freedom ond adventure” are the Spice Girls’ message. “We're not saying “Ве o porticular way,’ we're just saying “Ве 
yourself.” She's tharoughly herself when she calls to mind a line fram the song Naked: "Don't be afraid to stare, she's anly naked.” 


a painting of David Bowie. 

But that was about as disappointing 
as life got for the Spice Girls in 19 
By the end of the year they had three 
more consecutive number one hits 
in the UK (take that, Jive Bunny!). 
Sales of their debut album, Spice, ap- 
proached 20 million worldwide. The 
group hit the top of the charts in more 
than 40 countries and the Girls were 
looking at a net worth of some $50 mil- 
lion. A backlash, of course, set in. 

The doubters are par for this course: 
Frothy, lightweight pop will always an- 
noy those who prefer their music to 
carry more import and angst. Still, pop 
is the ticket if you want to become the 
year's best-selling act, or to cause a few 
tremors on the pop-culture landscape 

The Spice Girls have done both. In 
one widely seen clip, Prince William 
shyly basked in the company of the 
quintet. In South Africa, Nelson Man- 
dela curiously remarked that his time 


Nothing like beautiful pop stars to enliven 
along afternoon of diplomacy: Baby, Scary 
and Ginger dropped in on Prince Charles 
and Nelson Mandela (top) during Charles’ 
official visit to Mandela's Pretoria home 
lost November. Back on familior turf, the 
girls took to the podium at last year's Brit 
Awards (above). They won best single, 
Wannabe, and video, Say You'll Be There 


PLAYBOY 


74 


with the women provided him with 
“some of the greatest moments of my 
life.” In Washington, Hillary Clinton 
reportedly greeted Donatella Versace 
with the phrase girl power at a White 
House function. (Bill may well have 
said it, too, but let's not get into that.) 

And in theaters across America earli- 
er this year, young women screamed at 
the appearance of the Spice Girls dur- 
ing the opening scenes of Spice World. It 
was as if it were 1964 and the girls were 
watching the Beatles—with the differ- 
ence that most were presumably hot 
and bothered over role models rather 
than objects of desire. Some 90 min- 
utes later, a good number of them exit- 
ed the theaters singing the words to 
The Lady Is a Vamp, the jazzy, stylized 
finger-popper that concludes the mov- 
ie. The song is a tribute to famous fe- 
males of the past—Marilyn, Jackie O, 
Charlie's Angels—and, not incidental- 
ly, to famous females of the present. 
“Scary, Baby, Ginger, Posh, Sporty,” 
they sing, “Yes, now that’s your lot.” 

Once they went by different names: 
Melanie Brown, Emma Bunton, Geri 
Halliwell, Victoria Adams, Melanie Chis- 
holm. That was back in 1994, when 
they were dancers and models and 
wannabe pop stars who answered an 
advertisement placed by a manager 
looking to assemble an all-girl band 
that could inspire the same kind of pu- 
bescent adulation that, in the UK at 
least, greeted dodgy boy bands such as 
Take That and Boyzone. The girls soon 
parted from their original manager. 
They hung out together, wrote songs— 
or fragments that canny producers 
could shape into songs—and made the 
rounds, landing a new manager, 
record deal and producers. They 
changed their name from Touch to the 
Spice Girls. (Geri suggested just plain 
Spice, but that was taken.) 

Despite their lack of musical experi- 
ence, their appeal was obvious. “They 
came to the studio and sang a cappella 
in the car park,” said Matt Rowe, one 
of their longtime producers. “Then 
they all sat on one another's laps in a 
chair. And I thought, Yes, this is the 
group for me.” 

The Girls claim they had their pri- 
orities straight from the start. “Right 
from the beginning, we said we didn’t 
want to be put up on a pedestal,” Bun- 
ton said. “We wanted girls to look at us 
and say, Fuck, I want to join the gang." 
We didn't want to be out of reach." 

"We were saying," added Halliwell, 
“that you can have that sense of free- 
dom and fun too." 

In the UK, at least, this attitude con- 
trasted sharply with the glum louts 
whose dour music dominated the 
charts. “It was about time some fun 
pop was brought back, with positive 


messages," Chisholm told one reporter. 
"'Cause with grunge and gangsta rap, 
it was getting really negative." 

By the time their first album, Spice, 
came out in 1996, they had acquired 
zippier monikers: Mel B, Emma, Geri, 
Victoria and Mel C. But as the hits kept 
coming—first Wannabe, then Say You'll 
Be There, then 2 Become I—the names 
were replaced by labels: Scary Spice, 
Baby Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice, 
Sporty Spice. And with each label came 
a set of idenufiable attributes: Scary 
Spice has a pierced tongue and frizzy 
hair and likes leopard prints. Posh 
Spice wears heels and very short skirts 
and looks bored. Sporty Spice fa- 
vors warm-up suits and does kung fu 
moves. Baby Spice goes for frilly dress- 
es and pigtails. 

Then there's Ginger Spice, who's of 
ten dubbed the group's unofficial ring- 
leader. (Some of the promotional ma- 
terial associated with Spice World, the 
movie, calls her Sexy Spice.) She is 
Geraldine Estelle Halliwell. Her father, 
now deceased, was a car salesman, her 
Spanish mother is a cleaning lady. Geri 
was born in Watford 25 years ago, 
which makes her the oldest Spice Girl. 
When she auditioned for the group, 
the would-be Svengali who was then 
running the show asked her how old 
she was. Legend has it she replied, 
“I'm as old or as young as you want me 
to be. I can be a ten-year-old with big 


„ tits if you want.” His response was not 


recorded, but she obviously got the gig. 

Before joining the Spice Girls, Geri 
held a variety of jobs, including club 
dancer in Majorca, aerobics instructor, 
model and game-show hostess in 
Turkey. When the group became fa- 
mous and old topless photos surfaced 
in the tabloids, she reacted the way 
Madonna reacted to a similar situation 
years earlier: She shrugged it off. This 
makes sense, because she is a huge 
Madonna fan. 

Some of her attributes are readily 
apparent, others less so. “The largest 
muscle and my life's biggest asset,” she 
told Us magazine, “is my brain.” She 
uses that brain to spice up people's 
lives. “Life can be hard, it can be nega- 
tive,” she has said. “So you can turn on 
to our video and put a bit of vitality and 
fun into it all." 

Vitality and fun are favorite words of 
hers, and of the other Spice Girls. In 
conversation, though, the phrase they 
use most frequently may well be at the 
end of the day: It's their way of either 
summing up or shrugging off whatever 
they've been talking about so they can 
present a nice, positive moral. “At the 
end of the day,” says Ginger, “we're 
about freedom, fun and liberty.” “At 
the end of the day,” adds Scary, “we're 
quite normal.” At the end of every day 


in the imaginary realm of Spiceworld, 
vitality and fun and positivity win 
out—courtesy, of course, of girl power, 
а vague concept that involves accept- 
ing yourself for who you are, and not 
being pushed around by men. Mind 
you, their message is not exclusionary: 
“There are Spice Boys, too,” they have 
been known to tell male interviewers. 
“You can be a Spice Boy. In fact, you 
are a Spice Boy.” It sounds pretty sim- 
ple: Be yourself, have fun, don't let 
anybody push you around. 


Onstage in Los Angeles last year, 
Ginger Spice leaned into the micro- 
phone. "I'd like to dedicate this to 
every woman in America,” she said, 
holding up one of the pair of Billboard 
Music Awards the Spice Girls won— 
one for best new artist, one for album 
of the year. “This is living proof,” she 
added, “that girl power works.” Then 
she reached up, pulled her sunglasses 
off her head and down over her eyes, 
and affected a quick sneer. “Thank you 
very much,” she said. It wasn't the best 
Elvis impersonation, but it wasn’t bad 
for a girl from Watford. 

The Billboard awards were part of a 
turbulent winter for the Spice Girls. 
‘They released a new album, which sold 
well, then weakened, then rallied. 
They put out a movie that got clob- 
bered by Titanic but made decent mon- 
ey for a couple weeks. They fired the 
manager they'd hired to replace their 
original manager. They appeared on 
an extremely successful pay-per-view 
concert special. They denied rumors 
that one of the reasons they'd fired the 
manager was because he was dating 
Baby Spice. They denied rumors they 
were breaking up, or that any of them 
were going solo. They did Letterman. 
They won three American Music 
Awards, but weren't at the ceremony to 
receive them. They weren't nominated 
for a Grammy, which some people cit- 
ed as a sign of integrity on the part of 
the recording academy. They heard 
countless naysayers suggest their 15 
minutes of fame were just about up. 
They had another hit with Spice Up 
Your Life. They started a tour. 

And one more thing: When they re- 
turned to Los Angeles, they drove back 
down Melrose Avenue, past the brick 
building that once sported their pic- 
tures until their mural was painted 
over for David Bowie. But now, a year 
since the Spice Girls first visit, all traces 
of Bowie were gone. Instead, the wall 
sported a new mural of Scary, Ginger, 
Baby, Posh and Sporty Spice and a sin- 
gle word: SPICEWORLD. 


“I hate that smug little grin on their faces!” 


Netmai 


a stranger was trying to 
blackmail me over the 
internet—an unwise play, 
as he was about to find out 


fiction By Brendan DuBois 


Y THE TIME my guns were cleaned and the 
dinner dishes were put away, it was 
night. I went upstairs to the spare bed- 
room that I’ve turne о an office, c 
ing a glass of wine. The office is 
lined on all sides with bookshelves, 
and between the two windows is 
a metal desk I picked up at a yard 
sale last summer. 1 flipped on the computer 
and dialed into the Mycroft-Online computer 
service. 
E-mail waited for me. 
I sat back in the chair, winegl in my hand. 
With my other hand I reached for the mouse. 
Something was wrong. I shouldn't be getting 
mail. My phone number was unlisted, I 
picked up the mail—usually addressed to Oc- 
cupant—at the post office once a week and no 
one at all had my e-mail address. But there was 
a little blinking icon in the center of the menu 
screen, showing a chubby mailman waving a 
letter at me. 
I looked out the windows at the darkening 
fields and woods. Relax, I thought. It was un- 
doubtedly spam, electronic junk mail sent to 
everyone who subscribes to my online service. 
I sipped from my glass and clicked on the icon, - T 
and after a confusing jumble of letters and E 
numbers came this message: (d \ 


Sopwith12 | 
FROM: Anon666 З + 
Sopwith12, you've been а bad boy. We ge 

have the evidence we need and if you 

don't do exactly as we say, we will go pub- 

lic. This is no joke. Reply within one day 

or you'll regret i | 
A tingly feeling raced ир my arms. Sop- 2 

with12 was my online ID. This wasn't an 

anonymous spam. 1 put the glass down and — 

thought for a moment, then clicked on an icon 

shaped like a New England town hall, com- 

plete with white pillars. ^ (continued on page 84) 


PAINTING BY ROBERT GIUSTI 


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LeRoy Neiman sketched Tiger Woods at the Winged Foot Club at the 1997 PGA, which was won by Davis Love Ill. "I was sitting 


pretty in a special chair with an unobstructed close-up view,” says Neiman. "From there it was apparent how strong Tiger is. W's 


said he presses 350 pounds and autruns NFL defensive backs. His lean form and powerful, graceful swing bear that out.” 


78 


THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 1997 


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hat we are forever 

ИЙ confronted with on 
кз the golf course is а 
never-ending battle between the id and 
the ego, between being aggressively 
carefree and being strategically cau- 
tious and rational. We find ourselves in 
a tug of war: Do we play conservatively 
and be good, predictably? Or do we 
smile at temptation, let go and gamble 
and, at least possibly, be great? What 
makes this complex game even more 
intriguing is that it is always played on 
an innocent-looking field of green hills 
and valleys, among ponds and streams, 
pines or palms. Or among pretty flow- 
ers, such as those bright-pink azaleas 
that line the fairways of Augusta Na- 
tional, the heavenly Georgia course 


where Tiger Woods returns this spring. 
to defend his Masters crown. Woods, 
unquestionably the strongest and most 
mentally intense player in the game, 
experiences the toughest battle be- 
tween id and ego, between carefree ag- 
gression and calm focus. 

In this selection of paintings, LeRoy 
Neiman captures Tiger's persona, his 
split personality, of sorts. On one side 
we see an aggressive man, swinging 
powerfully through the ball as no oth- 
er golfer—not even John Daly—can, 
sometimes physically letting go of the 
club to tell the world he doesn't give a 
damn about staying in control. Sheer 
power is his priority. This is the Tiger 
who intimidates his competitors with a 
superfast swing of perfect rhythm and 


a killer instinct passed on to him by his 
father, Earl, a former Green Beret. 
"This is Tiger the terminator, the 22- 
year-old who, on the way to victory 
in the 1997 Masters, made mincemeat 
of Augusta National, hitting 350-yard 
drives over 100-foot trees guarding 
doglegs, followed by towering irons 
stiff to the hole. 

The other side of Tiger is focused. 
This is the Tiger who chooses from his 
closet, on every competitive day but 
Sunday, a green or yellow shirt, rather 
than his favorite, angry red. This is the 
cool Tiger with the big, brown altar. boy 
eyes, the charmer disguising the big, 
bad wolf. This is the Tiger who takes in 
everything during chipping practice, 
his eyes watching the ball in the air and 


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оп the ground. This is the Tiger who 
can truly see shots come to life in his 
mind's eye, before playing them. This 
is the Tiger who stands steadily over a 
pressure putt, calming his heartbeat as 
easily as Gandhi did when standing be- 
fore the British army. This is the fo- 
cused thinker who hates to make stra- 
tegic errors, the proud pro who isn’t 
afraid to listen to the advice of others. 
This is Eldrick Woods, with the medita- 
tive eyes of a tiger passed on to him 


through his Thai mother, Kutilda, who 
makes sure her only son practices the 
Buddhist ways she taught him. 

During amateur match-play events, 
Tiger let his aggressive side run wild, 
He played with his amateur partners 
the way a cat plays with a mouse. In 
1991, at the age of 15, Tiger became 
the youngest winner of the U.S. Junior, 
an event he also won in 1992 and 1993, 
becoming the only player to win three 
times in a (text concluded on page 153) 


“| noticed that the tour pros vory their 
wardrobes each day,” soys LeRoy Neiman. 
"There seems to be no superstition, like 
not weoring the some type of shirt the doy 
ofter you play a subpor round. In ony 
cose, on Sundoy you соп count on Tiger's 
showing up in his signature blood-red vic- 
tory chemise. He's the mon to watch.” 
With his typical floir for creativity, Neiman 
used the PGA pairing and storting 

time sheets as his canvas. 


FRIDAY, 515, 1997 


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CHAMPAGNE 


BY GARY REGAN AND MARDEE HAIDIN REGAN 


erhaps it's the millennium and its promise of partying on a global scale that has 
made champagne the drink of the decade. In fact, the bubbly is so much in de- 
mand that some producers are concerned they may run out before the end of the 
century. Add another drinking trend—the return of the martini—and you have 
the ingredients for a major bash come December 31, 1999. If the martini is king 
of mixed drinks, the champagne cocktail is the queen. The original version is simple: 
Moisten a sugar cube with a few dashes of Angostura bitters, place it in the bottom of a 
champagne flute, carefully fili the glass with champagne and garnish with a lemon twist. 
The sugar makes the wine fizz, so be careful as you pour. Variations on the theme have 
been around almost as long as the original, and adding half an (concluded on page 152) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GIORGIO VENTOLA 


P LTA S$ BIO 


84 


Netmail (continued from page 76) 


Another treaty—unknown to her—dictates I treat 
her 14-year-old son Eric as a real person. 


A message came up that said MEMBER DI- 
RECTORY and I typed in ANON666. With- 
in a second or two, the answer came 
back: No such member is listed on 
Mycroft. 

I logged off, shut down the comput- 
erand stared out the dark windows for 
a while. 


It was spring in Pinette, Maine, and 
the next morning I was outside, work- 
ing. I had chainsawed down a dead oak 
a few weeks back and had cut logs in 
two-foor lengths. I was now splitting 
each log for firewood. It was satisfy- 
ing work, and I soon stripped off my 
sweatshirt and T-shirt, keeping on only 
my work boots, jeans and the nine-mil- 
limeter Smith & Wesson, which was 
strapped to my side 

With each fall of the ax, I thought 
about my brief electronic message. I 
had been in Pinette for a while, and 
had gotten used to my new life. There 
was always work to be done on the 
dozen or so acres 1 owned, and I had 
the television and the public library 
and mail-order books. Still, I some- 
times woke up at two or three in the 
morning, imagining I could hear the 
far-off sounds of Boston or New York 
or London or Tokyo. 

It was the computer that saved me 
from turning into an unshaven recluse 
who cut paper dolls in his off-hours. 
Sitting in my tiny upstairs room with 
the computer linked to the Internet, I 
was wired to the whole globe. It wasn’t 
the real thing, but with me exiled to 
this little Maine town and forbidden 
from traveling, it was the next best 
thing. I explored colleges, universities, 
museums and scientific laboratories. I 
saw the view from cameras set up in 
Bombay, Antarctica and at the top of 
Mauna Loa in Hawaii. 1 visited the 
home pages of college students, X-rat- 
ed-film stars and bagpipe players. It 
was intoxicating, traveling down those 
Іше bundles of fiber. But I had one 
hard-and-fast rule: Thou shalt lurk— 
thou shalt not contact. 

There are chat rooms, discussion ar- 
eas and mail server lists along the tan- 
gled wires of the Internet, and while 
I poked my head into these areas ev- 
ery now and then, I never said hello. 
I've read enough amusing storics of 
frat boys pretending to be sex-crazed 
housewives on the Net to know that I 
should never trust anyone on the other 


end of a computer terminal. 

So, no messages, no mail. 

But now someone was contacting 
me, with a message that made me want 
to load every weapon in the house. 


Later that day I went into town and 
picked up my mail at the post office, a 
counter in the Pinette General Store. 
The store is in a big rambling building 
that was built in 1825 and has wide 
floorboards, worn down in the middle 
by generations of Mainers. Everything 
from battery cables to soup mixes to 
motor oil is stocked on the sagging 
shelves. It's owned by Miriam Woods, a 
woman with dark brown hair and even 
darker eyes lightly framed by wrinkles. 
She was widowed five years ago when 
Mr. Woods was downing a pine tree 
and misjudged the tree's fall. Besides 
being the store’s owner, the postmaster 
(or postmistress, I can’t keep track of 
what's what nowadays) and one of 
the town’s three selectmen (or select- 
women), Miriam is also my unofficial 
intelligence source for what's going on 
in town. 

She had on jeans and a University of 
Maine sweatshirt, both of which fit her 
nicely. The store was nearly empty of 
customers when she reached under the 
counter and handed over my thin col- 
lection of mail. After the usual chitchat 
of small-town happenings, 1 said, “I 
was wondering if I could borrow your 
son for a while.” 

“Eric?” she asked. 

“Well, yes, unless you have a couple 
of stealth sons living in your basement, 
that’s the one I'm talking about.” 

She took a rubber band, snapped it 
in my direction and asked, “How about 
tonight?” 

“Tonight sounds good.” 

“How does dinner sound?” 

“Sounds better,” I said. “And dessert?” 

Another snapped rubber band, this 
one striking my shoulder. “Hardly. 
This is a school night for Eric. He'll 
be in.” 

“Fine, then. Rain check?” 

A wink. “Always.” 


The mail took about a minute to flip 
through and dispose of, and 1 went 
home to shower and change. 1 had 
time to kill before heading over to 
Miriam’s, so I turned on the computer 
and logged onto Mycroft-Online. The 


chubby, cheery mailman waved his 
hand at me. 

You Have Mail. 

1 double-clicked on the icon and up 
popped another message: 


то: Sopwith12 

From: Anon666 

We know you've read the mes- 
sage, so stop ignoring us. You've 
been a bad boy and we have the 
evidence. Unless you pay up, we'll 
let the world know about it. Re- 
ply now. 


Some possible replies flitted through 
my mind, most of them containing 
words that the Catholic nuns had once 
said would tarnish my soul. So with 
thanks to the Sisters of Mercy, I sent a 
quick answer back: 


To: Anon666 
FROM: Sopwith 12 
Tell me more. 


1 left it at that. I spent the next hour 
exploring the computers of the Jet 
Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena 
and downloading photographs of 
Jupiter. 


Before dinner I was in Erics room as 
his mom hurled herself around the 
kitchen downstairs. Like most relation- 
ships, mine and Miriam’s is based on 
trust, friendship and treaties. One 
treaty revolves around the kitchen. I 
stay out of it while she prepares dinner, 
and when I'm cleaning up she’s on the 
couch with a magazine or newspaper. 

Another treaty—unknown to her but 
one I setup a while ago—dictates that I 
treat her 14-year-old son Eric as a real 
person, not as an impediment to my 
“getting lucky,” as some men tactlessly 
put it. In return, he speaks to me in 
whole sentences and doesn't ask em- 
barrassing questions about my future 
plans with his mother. He's tall, almost 
as tall as I am, and slightly gangly. with 
his mother’s brown hair and eyes. His 
room is tiny and cluttered, the walls be- 
decked with posters of sports stars and 
space shuttles. But there's a tidy place 
around the computer, which he bought 
a couple of years ago after working 
long hours at the local lumberyard. 

He's had far more experience ex- 
ploring cyberspace than I have. I got 
right to the point when I sat down on 
his bed. 

“1 have a little computer problem, 
one I don't want your mother to know 
about,” I said. 

"Oh?" he said, smiling at being taken 
into my confidence. "With hardware or 
software?" 

"Mailware, if there's such a word," I 
said. I pulled out two folded pieces of 

(continued on page 90) 


‘ga rmm 
EJE 
as $8 


x 


"Finish your sandwich n’ let's get busy!" 


british stripes with rep diagonals—the hottest look since blue eyes and blonde hair 


In England, blondes prefer gentle- 
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trademark of British design. These 
days British stripes work on every- 


опе: bonkers, salesmen—even dates back ta when butlers ironed 
their avernight guests. And in a the master’s detachable white cal- 
dynamic style statement, design- lar and French cuffs daily, os they 
ers ore pairing vertical-patterned were washed separately. The shirt 
shirts with striped ties. The result ап tap of the pile is also fram 
makes solid shirt hues look down- Best of Class by Robert Talbatt A 
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Take a look at our madel, a dis- pink and white shirt is by Brioi / 
criminating beauty wha definitely ($235), the arange and whit 
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Her shirt with cantrostive collar low and blue is by Thomas Pink 
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PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER Rabert Talbatt ($195). The style white is by Burberrys (585). 87 


HAIR ANO MAKEUP ÊY RUDY SOTOMAYOR 


She loves те, she loves me 
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WHERE & HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 160. 
HAIR AND MAKEUP BY FRANÇOIS ILNSEHER 


89 


PLAYBOY 


90 


Netm | (continued from page 84) 


“You could get the sender's ID from the NSA— 
man, they got computers you wouldn't believe.” 


paper from my pocket, which were the 
first and second e-mails from Anon666, 
with the body of the messages cut away. 
I passed the papers to him. 

“I got these messages this week, and 
I want to know where they're from," I 
said. “1 don't know anybody called 
Anon666." 

“Uh-huh,” he said, looking over the 
papers. “What online service are you 
using?” 

“Mycroft.” 

He looked at me, smirking. “Come 
on, Owen. Get out of the Steam Age. 
Upgrade yourself, why don’t you?” 

“One of these days, but not now. 
What does this tell you?” 

He looked over the papers and said 
“Hmm" a few times and then passed 
them back to me. “Black and deep.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Look at the header.” 

“The what?” 

Eric, God bless him, was patient with 
his elders. “Just above where it says To 
and From. The header information, all 
those letters and numbers. That tells 
you how the message got from the 
sender’s computer to your computer. 
There are a number of systems and 
computers it passes through to get to 
your little computer, hooked up to 
your girlie-man online service. The 
header tells you how it got there.” 

I looked back at the numbers and 
letters. 

“And what does it tell you?” 

“Third line down. Phrase there says 
‘anon.service.se.’ That tells me that 
whoever sent this message sent it 
through a mail-forwarding computer 
system in Sweden. Message goes there 
and all other forwarding info gets 
stripped out, so when it pops up in 
your mailbox, you don’t know who sent 
it. Could be someone in Siberia, could 
be someone in Portland. Perfect way to 
send anonymous messages.” 

“Any way of finding out more?” 

He laughed and leaned back in his 
chair. “That's what I mean by black and 
deep. This is serious spookland stuff. 
Even if you sniffed around in Sweden 
you wouldn't find them. Maybe you 
could get the sender's real ID from the 
National Security Agency folks down in 
Fort Meade—man, they've got com- 
puters you wouldn't believe." 

A friendly voice from downstairs. 
“Hey, guys, come on down! It's getting 
cold!" 

"In a sec, Ма,” Eric said. He looked 


at me and said, “What’s the matter, 
Owen? Someone sending you death 
threats?" 

1 shrugged. “Just junk mail." 


After dinner Miriam walked me out 
to my truck. It was a cool night, but 
there was a warm smell of things grow- 
ing and coming back to life that prom- 
ised a long summer. We walked hand 
in hand and she turned to me as we 
reached my truck's door. 

“Thanks for a good night," I said. 

She squeezed my hand. "My plea- 
sure, sir. And did you get what you 
needed from Eric?" 

"Sure did,” I said. "I had a little bug 
with my computer and he fixed it for 
me." Which was mostly true. 

"And how long did it take him?" 

"About 30 seconds. 

She laughed. “That’s my Eric.” And 
as quick as her laugh, her mood turned 
somber. "Computers will take him far, 
if I can ever afford to get him into 
college." 

"There are scholarships, you know, 
and grants." 

"You must not read the papers any- 
more, Owen,” she said bitterly. "We're 
in an era of self-sufficiency. Every man, 
woman and fatherless son for himself.” 

“Don't fret,” I said. “I'm sure some- 
thing will come up.” 

I moved closer and she whispered, 
“Justa quick kiss, all right? I don't want 
my son seeing a man’s hands up my 
shirt.” 

A soft kiss to her lips. She squeezed 
my hand again and whispered, “Next 
week he's off visiting his uncle and aunt 
in Vermont. Come back for dinner 
then.” 

I kissed her again. "I'm getting hun- 
gry already.” 


1 took a detour home, driving up 
Phelar's Hill, the highest peak in town. 
On top is a fire tower, manned in the 
summertime. Two other cars were up 
there, so 1 parked on the far side of 
the dirt lot. Young love hates to be 
disturbed. 

From the windshield I could make 
out the sparse lights of Pinette. I settled 
back into the seat of the truck. Off to 
the right, by the fire tower, was a col- 
lection of barbecue stands and wooden 
picnic tables. Two years ago, there had 
been nothing here except a gravel 


parking lot, and some townspeople 
asked the selectmen to purchase the 
picnic tables and barbecue stands to 
turn the fire tower into a picnic area. 
The board had refused. But a month 
or so later, an anonymous donor had 
given the necessary funds to the town, 
and the picnic area was built. 

Below the hill, in town, was a new 
Little League field. Outstanding mort- 
gages for three or four elderly resi- 
dents had been discreetly paid. There 
was a well-stocked food bank at the 
Congregational church. Ай taken care 
of anonymously. 

And in a couple of years, a certain 
young mother would find in her mail- 
box a hefty check made out to her son, 
from something called the Northern 
Maine Woods Scholarship Organiza- 
tion. In the cover leuer, it would state 
that these scholarships were reserved 
for the sons and daughters of lum- 
ber workers killed in the woods, kids 
who had expressed a desire to study 
computers. 

The thought made me smile. Maybe 
it should be called an association in- 
stead ofan organization. That sounded 
better. From one of the cars 1 heard 
soft cries, and the honk ofa horn as an 
arm or leg pressed against the steering 
wheel. Another smile. 

Not a bad place to be. I had adjust- 
ed to exile in Pinette and liked be- 
ing anonymous, especially anonymous 
with a fat bank account. That account 
helped with a lot of things, including 
odd guilt pangs from old times. But 
now I had an e-mail buddy on the oth- 
er end of the telephone wire. That 
would have to be taken care of, and 
soon. I started the truck and headed 
back home. 


The next day 1 received a reply from. 
my anonymous correspondent: 


To: Sopwith12 

FROM: Anon666 

Here's the deal. Fifty thousand 
dollars cash and we don't turn you 
in, If you don't reply, the evidence 
we have will be made public. You 
have 24 hours to respond. 


I looked at the screen, thinking of 
the complexity of computer systems 
and the men and women who have 
sweated to wire the world. The people 
who had placed me in this little town 
had made a number of promises; chief 
among them was the assurance that 1 
would never be charged with anything, 
ever again. 

But someone out there knew some- 
thing. How? 

I moved my fingers to the keyboard 
and sighed. I sent my reply. 

(continued on page 144) 


91 


This war on drugs is really getting out of hand!” 


92 


twenty-five 


things 


men do 


right 


in bed 


article by chip rowe 


zines, divorce filings and sitcoms, 

men are the most hapless lovers 
since, well, men. Women know our 
weak spot: We take pride in our sexual 
prowess, and to question our skills is al- 
ways a shot below the belt. Women’s 
magazines push articles such as “What 
Makes a Man Give More in Bed” (as ifa 
woman has to ask twice). Piranhas on 
the Internet chuckle over “Why Cu- 
cumbers Are Better Than Men” or “40 
Ways Men Fail in Bed.” Even Mae 
West, who once claimed she liked two 
types of men (foreign and domestic), 
stooped to quip, “Some men are all 
right in their place, if they only knew 
the right places.” 

Don't believe it. Men feel at home 
having sex, and we treat our guests 
right. Sex is our calling, and there's 
nothing we think about more. When a 
woman passes an attractive man on the 
street, she may imagine being on his 


| F YOU BELIEVE the women's maga- 


arm, kissing him wildly under the stars. 
When a guy passes an attractive wom- 
an on the street, he's invented 16 new 
sexual positions faster than Big Blue 
can calculate a chess move. That's the 
sort of ingenuity that builds nations. 
So where did men pick up this repu- 
tation for, as one margarita-swilling fe- 
male focus group put it, “self-absorbed, 
shallow and selfish” lovemaking? Tra- 
ditional sex roles play a part. “Men are 
expected to initiate sex and lead wom- 
en through it,” notes Anne Semans, co- 
author of The New Good Vibrations Guide 
to Sex. “If they do it wrong, they get 
raked over the coals.” A few clumsy 
stragglers are all it takes. “Almost every 
woman remembers a cretin from her 
early sexual experiences who didn't 
know where it was, let alone what to do 
with it,” explains Michael Castleman, 
author of Sexual Solutions. “Men have 
similar stories, but we don’t blame the 
female gender (continued on page 116) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG 


SA MANAGER at a branch of Key Bank in 

Dayton, Ohio, Deanna Brooks, 24, ad- 

vised patrons on their investments and 

savings plans. A few months ago she de- 
cided to change her life—to prove her fiscal and 
physical fitness to millions of РГАҮВОҮ patrons. 
Unfortunately, being Miss May has already cost 
Deanna her bank job. We commiserated with 
her over lunch at the Polo Lounge in Los Ange- 
les’ Beverly Hills Hotel. 

Q: What sort of bank manager would you say 
you were? 

A: A good one. My title was quality service 
team leader. 1 started out as a teller, but money 
matters have always come easily for me; before 
long I had more responsibility. There was a 
problem, though. The bank's officials were so 
conservative they were almost prudish. Female 
employees weren't supposed to look feminine 


We weren't supposed to wear makeup. I went 
along with that. I wore outfits with high neck- 
lines, dresses that showed zero leg—and cus- 
tomers still came in to look at me. My bosses 
didn’t appreciate that at all. 

Q: Really? You mean they didn’t want the ex- 
tra business? 

A: It made them uncomfortable. I guess that 
the powers that be at the bank thought money 


Our Ms. 


it's fun to get fiscal 
with miss may, a 
dazzler from dayton 


One of nine kids in a devaut Marmon family, Dean- 
па grew up in Dayion. “We were different. In high 
school | was the girl who couldn't have o Coke, 
couldn't drink coffee and wouldn't dreom of having 
sex,” she soys. “My folks will absolutely freok when 
they see these photos. But I have to live my own life." 


and sex appeal should be kept apart. 
Q: In Los Angeles money and sex are never very 


far apart 

A: I think I could get to like Los Angeles. Dayton 
doesn't seem so friendly anymore, not since I lost 
my job. There was an investigation at the bank. Of 
me! They told me that I should cooperate, but 1 


"Doing this is o statement,” 
Deonno soys. "I'm saying, 
"Look at me. l'm smort ond 
I'm sexual and | won't deny 
either side of me.‘ Is that so 
bad? I still soy the bonk hod 
no reason to fire me, but 
Lam much happier now.” 


refused. Wouldn't you? I 
mean, my only crime was 
being less conservative than 
the people I worked for. 

О: Isn't that sort of cor- 
porate behavior against the 
law? Have you considered 
suing Key Bank? 

А: No. I'm moving on. I 
figure it’s their loss. Once 
the news got out that I'm 
Miss May, it would proba- 
bly have helped the bank. I 
would have brought in a lot 
of new checking accounts. 

Q: How did you become a 
Playmate? 

A: I had worked as a wait- 
ress and at the bank. I 
thought, Is this all there is? 
I decided to make a big 
change. A photographer 
friend had some photos of 
me from college, when I was 
a model in his photography 
class. Some were nudes. We 
sent them to Adam Lawson, 


an old high school friend. 
Why Adam? Well, he got out 
of Dayton and went to Los 
Angeles to seek his fortune, 


and what do you know—he 
is a butler at the Playboy 
Mansion. I guess you could 
say that I used Adam to get 
in the door. 

Q: You mean the Play- 
mate selection process is 
rigged? 

A: No. I had to do test 
shots and prove myself 
anyone else. But at least 1 
was my own boss. I always 
try to be prepared for the 
next opportunity. After all, 
luck is nothing but prepara- 


tion meeting opportunity. 


“If you're going to pose like this 
you con't do it halfway. You 
hove to feel the power of your 
sexuality,” asserts Miss Moy. 
"PLAYBOY is a perfect way to soy: 
Here | am—watch me shine." 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: E 


BUST: — war; 1. HIPS: 
1 “ 
et A rr O 


BIRTH DATE: _ 8924. ВТЕТНРГАСЕ: Boulder City, Nevada 
AMBITIONS: Ta be happy with whatever T do— but _ 
A 


£ in m \ 


TURN-ONS: n lower а 


m ше ll- planned Comantic evenings + 
TURNOFFS: Hairy backs — especially on men | Guys who 


walk : 


U 
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: T hase a mole thats Seldom geen- 


u 
u \ 


Bir Hoir Cpucmet 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Dressing after a shower at the health club, 
Dave noticed Frank had a cork lodged in his 
ass and asked, “How'd that happen?” 

“I was walking along the beach and tripped 
over alamp. There was a puff of smoke and an 
old man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 
‘Lam Abdullah, the Persian genie. I can grant 
you one wish.” And I said, “No shit!" 


What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers 
don't think they're funny and no one else 
thinks they're jokes. 


Adam was returning home late one night’ 


when Eve confronted him. “You're seeing an- 
other woman, aren't you?” she accused. 

“Don't be silly,” he replied. “You're the only 
woman on earth.” 

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a 
tickle on his chest. “What the hell are you do- 
ing?” he asked Eve. 

“What do you think?” she said. “I'm count- 
ing your ribs.” 


Once upon a medieval time, a king decided to 
hold a contest to decide who at court had the 
mightiest “weapon.” The first knight stood up, 
pulled down his pants and tied a five-pound 
weight around it. His weapon rose. The crowd 
cheered, the women swooned, the children 
waved banners and the band played a lively 
madrigal. 

Another knight dropped his pants and tied a 
ten-pound weight to himself. His weapon rose. 
The crowd cheered, the women swooned, the 
children waved banners and the band played a 
lively madrigal. 

After several more knights tried to prove 
their superiority, the king finally spoke. “I 
have the mightiest weapon of them all!” He 
dropped his pants and tied a 40-pound weight 
to himself. His weapon rose. The crowd 
cheered, the women swooned, the children 
waved banners and the band played God Save 


the Queen. 


Р.лувоу ciassic: A hooker walked into the 
bank to put some recently acquired diamond 
earrings into her safe-deposit box. The banker 
examined her stash and told her, “Ma’am, 1 
happen to know something about jewelry, and 
those aren't real diamonds." 

“Oh my God,” she cried. “Гуе been raped!" 


А Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his 
son had turned out, so he went to see his rab- 
bi. “I brought him up in the faith, spent a for- 
tune to educate him,” the fellow complained, 
“and now he's decided to be a Christian. Rab- 
bi, where did I go wrong?” 

“Funny you should come to me,” said the 
rabbi. "I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, 
put him through Yeshiva University, spent а 
fortune. Then one day he tells me he has de- 
cided to become a Christian.” 

“What did you do2” 

“I turned to God for the answer.” 

“And what did God say?” 


“He said, ‘Funny you should come to me.” 


Why aren't there any British-made comput- 
ers? They couldn't find a way to make them 
leak oil. 


This мохтн5 most FREQUENT SUBMISSION: A 
young man finally came to terms with his ho- 
mosexuality and decided to come out of the 
closet. On his next visit home, he went into the 
kitchen and nervously explained to his mother 
that he had realized he was gay. Without look- 
ing up from her saucepan, she said, "You 
mean a homosexual?" 

"Well, yes." 

"Does that mean you suck mer's dicks?" 

Caught off guard, the fellow eventually 
managed to stammer an embarrassed "yes." 

“1п that case, young man," she snapped, 
"don't you dare ever complain about my cook- 
ing again!” 


PR 


А businessman was aboard the redeye when 
turbulence shock the plane, causing the stew- 
ardess to spill hot coffee in his lap. "I'm so sor- 
гу, sir," the flustered flight attendant said. "Are 
you all right?” 

"Yes, I think so,” he replied. “But tell me, 
was that regular coffee or decaf?” 

E lar." 

“Just my luck,” he moaned. “Now it's going 
to be up all night.” 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Шіпоіѕ 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


107 


CAN’T GO FAST ENOUGH? TRY A SPORT BIKE 


You've spent $30,000 
on chrome trinkets for 
your cruiser and still 
haven't satisfied your 
adrenaline jones? Try a 
sport bike, These mo- 
torcycles are for the 
performance oriented, 
those for whom speed 
is a destination. Left: 
We didn't think Hon- 
da's VFR could be iza- 
proved, but the new In- 
terceptor (about $9500) 
is a dream. The 781cc 
V4 engine, a direct de- 
scendant of the RC45 
race engine, pumps out 
108 horsepower and 
moves the 459-pound 
package into hyper- 
speed. The Suzuki 
TL1000R (below) tweaks 
135 hp out of a 996cc 
V-twin. Hang on tight 
for about $9500. 


Left: Kawasaki trimmed 

70 pounds from last year’s 
Ninja ZX-9R and developed 
an awesome 899cc engine 
to create a 403-pound, 
130-hp missile. The newest 
Ninja even boasts a titani- 
um muffler (and it will 
lighten your wallet by 
$9999). Below: The BMW 
K1200RS ($15,990) is a bike 
that wonts to go fast all day 
long. The rubber-mounted 
flat-four engine delivers 
130 hp to the shaft-driven 
rear wheel. In a novel ap- 
proach to marketing, BMW 
offers test tours, not test 
rides. You can sign up with 
Edelweiss Tours for a 
long-range romp through 
the Rockies, around the 
Grand Canyon or through 
northern California. For de- 
tails call 800-877-2784. 


«ан 


еа 


( А 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 100, 


11 


By KATHRYN LEIGH SCOTT 


THE PLAYBOY CLUBS WERE A GUY’S PARADISE—AND THE WORKPLACE 
OF MANY WOMEN WHO BECAME STARS, SCIENTISTS OR TYCOONS 


ou’re . . . ," said Gloria 
Steinem, with one of those 
give-me-a-second, palms-up 
gestures. 
“Oh, you won’t remember 
me,” I said. 
It had been nearly 30 
years since we worked to- 
‘gether. I hadn’t even expect- 
ed to see her at the party 
launching a publisher’s fall list, which included Steinem’s 
much-anticipated The Revolution Within. But when our 
eyes met I thought I could detect a flicker of recognition. 
“I was Bunny Kay,” I continued. “We worked together at 
the Playboy Club in New York.” 
“Oh, dear,” she muttered. The sentence trailed off as she 
began backing away. To fill an awkward pause she added, 


“Are you doing anything now?” 
“Yes I am,” I answered. “I have my own publishing 
company.” 


As the gap between us widened, she ventured, “Oh, well, 
I guess there is life after Bunnydom.” 

“1 never doubted it,” I replied. 

I was surprised to see how eager she was to distance her- 
self from the slightest memory of the women she had writ- 
ten about in her renowned piece, “A Bunny’s Tale,” for 
Show magazine in 1963, when she had taken a job as a 
Playboy Bunny to write an exposé on the newly opened 
Club. Her characterization of Bunnies then as naive, hap- 
less victims was not only clichéd but also predictable and 
insultingly inaccurate. Our chance meeting at the party got 
me thinking, and I wondered if I'd remembered only the 
good times, the quirky encounters with customers, the fun- 
ny anecdotes. 

My fascination with Bunnies, even 25 years later, sur- 
prised me, and 1 began my own Rabbit hunt, as it were, to 
find out what happened to all the girls who stood poised on 
the dawn of a new era, bedecked in satin ears and eager 
to explore. 

Before I was finished, the list included such notables as 


actor and supermodel Lauren Hutton, Teddy Howard (who 
owns a multimillion-dollar ad agency), rock singer Debo- 
rah Harry, TV and film actor Susan Sullivan, congressio- 
nal candidate Sabrina Scharf Shiller and the National In- 
stitutes of Health’s distinguished immunologist Polly 
Matzinger, as well as the chief executive of a New York 
Stock Exchange company, an architect, a racehorse breed- 
er, a real estate tycoon, lots of attorneys, a vast number of 
moms . . . well, you get the idea. 
Here are four who shared their memories. 


LAUREN HUTTON 


“The girls who became Bunnies in the early Sixties were 
trailblazers. We were prefeminist, pre-hippie-era pioneers 
and extraordinarily brave for the time. I don’t think any of 
us at 18 or 19 felt we needed permission to do anything, 
though we had grown up in an age when girls had to have 
permission for everything. Before there was any attention 
given to the idea of a woman controlling her sexuality, we 
had started figuring out for ourselves what real sexual 
freedom was about. 

“Back then everything was a giant adventure. After a 
year at the University of South Florida, I headed for New 
York. I saw the ad for Bunny jobs in The New York Times 
and was hired in 1963, not long after the Club opened. 
There were three other Bunnies with my given name, 
Mary, so I opted for Lauren, after my father, Laurence. I 
was hired as a Lunch Bunny, because I was too young to 
work at night. Lunch Bunnies were there to be looked at— 
to smile, chat and, incidentally, serve drinks. 

“I quickly became the Demerit Bunny. My ears were 
crooked, my tail wasn’t on straight, whatever. Every time I 
had almost enough demerits to be fired, I would somehow 
win the bartender’s Bunny of the Week contest. That would 
give me enough good points to lower the demerits. 

“After about a year, I wanted to move on. I was working 
ina dark club while the sun was shining. It was depressing. 
Also, I was in my first relationship, a bad one, with a disc 
jockey Pd fallen in love with in Florida. He was older and 
had a lot of control over me. (text continued on page 154) 


А һор down memory lane: 
Bunny treasures (above and right) in- 
clude the original Ployboy Club membership key 
and the key card that replaced it, sotin ears (color- 
coordinoted with the woist-hugging suits), the 
name tag (worn at the hip) and the 
shot gloss with the Femlin de- 
signed by LeRoy Nei- 
тап. The origine соѕ- Қ 
tume (left) is registered 
with the U.S. Patent and 
Trademark Office. 


Below, left: The | 
Chicago Ployboy 
Club at 116 East | 
Walton opened February 29, 1960 
and entertained 16,800 keyholders 
and guests in its first month. Middle: 
Jet Bunnies Marsha Morris, Shown 
Ferguson and Britt Elders on the 
Big Bunny, Hugh Hefner's cus- 
fom stretch DC-9. Right: 
Ploymate Bunnies Avis Miller 
ond Gwen Wong pose for 
VIP, the Club magozine. 


Bunny Money was traded for cock- 
tails, food and souvenirs. More Club 
swog includes (above ond right) 
Rabbit Heod cuff links, a Femlin cof- 
fee cup and soucer, an oshtray, o 
swizzle stick, a Bunny Watcher's mug Y 
with a cleor glass bottom, a Rabbit 
Head lighter, a cocktoil napkin 
and—below, right to left—a playful 4 
trophy, а Femlin oshtray, a wineglass 

and casino chips from the London у 
Club and the Bahomos Club. + 


The original г 
black en- 


semble (far 
left) soon 
turned colorful 
(left) and was 
accented with 
а collar, cuffs and а 
bow tie. The VIP Bunny 
(center) worked the 
gourmet dining rooms. 
The Cobaret Bunny (right), intro- 
duced in 1980, wore ruffles. By 1986 
there were more than 20 versions of 
the outfit, induding a tongue-in- 
cheek Bride Bunny ond Cupid Bunny 
ond а real Bikini Bunny (far right) 
who worked at the resorts, 


“Our neighbors appreciate you, because I used to keep them awake 
all night with my cries of passion!” 


115 


PLAYBOY 


116 


twe nty-five thin ES (continued from page 92) 


“Every time he slid into me, litile puffs of colored tis- 
sue paper flew into the air.” 


in toto. A guy doesn’t write off women 
just because one girl he slept with lay 
there like a log.” 

Bad sex takes two, but more often 
than not the man takes the blame. “A 
lot of women write to ask, ‘Why is it 
that men are concerned only with their 
sexual pleasure?“ says Janet Lever, a 
sex and health columnist for Glamour. 
"I'd like to know how these women 
pleasure themselves. If a woman isn't 
in touch with her sexuality, the greatest 
Don Juan on earth is not going to bring 
her around.” 

And yet men still dedicate our lives 
to the task. We see great sex as a chal- 
lenge, and we're happy to rise for the 
occasion. 

“Sex is like any athletic skill,” Castle- 
man says. “It demands physical prow- 
ess, communication and stamina. Men 
become especially good at sex when 
they have a little coaching and prac- 
tice.” Lever says she often receives let- 
ters from men describing how they 
please women. This doesn’t surprise 
her. “There’s nothing men love more 
than making a woman come. Years 
ago, when I helped put together the 
Playboy Readers’ Sex Survey, close to 90 
percent of the men said they loved giv- 
ing oral sex. I wanted to shout from 
the rooftop that men do this right.” 

The roofs are crowded with women. 
Weasked dozens of them to tell us what 
men do right. The list that follows is far 
from complete, but its a start. We offer 
it not as a manual, but as a meditation. 


(1) MEN LOVE TO LICK THINGS 


Carole, 35: “One guy would find my 
clitoris with his tongue and lick it with 
a steady, pulsing rhythm, going harder 
and faster until I would be out of my 
skull with pleasure. His strength and 
persistence allowed me routinely to 
come four or five times. This is defi- 
nitely a learned skill that must have 
taken a lot of practice.” 

Lynn, 29: “I dated someone who 
said, in all honesty (don't bother lying 
about this, guys, we'll know), that if he 
had to give up all sex acts but one for 
the rest of his life, he'd forgo inter- 
course and getting head and keep cun- 
nilingus. What could 1 say to that?” 

Allison, 30: “One lover would work 
his tongue over my body, including my 
clitoris, until I felt like I was being de- 
youred. Near the end of the relation- 
ship, we were in a parked car dis- 
cussing why we shouldn't have sex 


anymore. We had what was supposed 
to be a goodbye kiss, but there was that 
tongue. We had to finish breaking up 
later.” 


(2) MEN ADAPT TO ANY SITUATION 


Gina, 36: “We rented a house with 
friends. When we went to our bed- 
room, it had only bunk beds. Before 1 
knew it, І was hanging on for dear life 
from the edge of the top bunk as my 
husband performed cunnilingus and 
then fucked me. I had such a strong or- 
gasm that I could barely breathe." 

Ann, 35: “Late in my pregnancy we 
couldn't manage any position except 
spoons. It was becoming routine. So 
one night my husband put a pillow un- 
der my hips to elevate them, then stood 
over me and masturbated. I masturbat- 
ed with my vibrator while he talked 
about how sexy I looked and massaged 
my breasts. It worked for me.” 


(3) MEN LOVE ADVENTURE. 


Jill, 31: “I was dating an artist. Dur- 
ing homecoming weekend we were 
walking to my house when we passed a 
Dumpster filled with chicken wire and 
tissue paper from the floats. He helped 
me climb in, then made his move. 
Every time he slid into me, little puffs of 
colored tissue paper flew into the air.” 

Mindi, 29: “We were driving home 
when my boyfriend pulled off the road 
to a secluded spot. He opened my 
door, took me out of the car and put 
me on the hood to go down on me. I 
wouldn't recommend this on a first 
date, but we'd been together long 
enough that he knew I'd love it. It was 
clandestine and risky. The same person 
once did me against a tree.” 

Barbara, 50: “We were on the roof of 
his building having drinks when we 
heard fire trucks. There was a fire in 
the building across the avenue. We 
took our wine to this three-foot-wide 
wall at the edge of the roof and 
watched. He started nuzzling me from 
behind. He had told me earlier not to 
wear any underwear under my dress, 
so I figured that he had something 
planned (although certainly not a fire). 
1 could feel the hear on my face. Sud- 
denly there was a spotlight on us as we 
fucked. The firemen cheered and 
yelled wonderfully rude comments. It 
was incredibly erotic, like being in a 
porn movie. My date's reaction was to 
sit me in a deck chair facing the light 
and go down on me.” 


(4) MEN HAVE PENISES AND KNOW. 
HOW TO USE THEM 


Lisa, 22: “One guy I knew had the 
most amazing control over his dick. He 
fucked me with such skill that I'm con- 
vinced he could have dipped his penis 
in ink and written a letter. He was slow 
and hard and would almost pull out 
before going back in and hitting the 
right spots.” 

Erica, 25: “To this day, I don't know 
exactly what this guy did. But within 
two minutes after he slid inside me, 1 
had an orgasm. He knew how to use it, 
even with a condom on. After my sec- 
ond orgasm, I had to ask him to stop.” 


(5) MEN ARE DIRECT 


Marcy, 34: “Last week my husband 
and I were walking up the stairs in 
our apartment building when he said, 
“Stop. Bend over.’ I'm like, ‘Oh, God. 
Right now? He put my hands on the 
banisters, then pulled down my panties 
from under my skirt and started doing 
me from behind. This happens quite 
often, actually. The key is that if I tell 
him no, he won't push it. Гуе never 
told him no.” 

Natasha, 23: “My boyfriend and I 
were in a bar, and I was sitting on his 
lap and teasing him by wiggling my ass 
around. Finally he said, ‘Should I take 
you into the bathroom and fuck you?’ I 
was sort of taken aback, but he said it 
like he wasn’t kidding. We used the 
handicapped stall in the men's room.” 

‘Tammy, 31: “Men don't mince words 
about what they want. Although since 
I've been living in San Francisco, Гуе 
met sensitive types who ask for permis- 
sion: “Сап I touch you there?’ It drives 
me crazy. You don’t need to ask my OK 
for the basics. When I lived in St. 
Louis, they didn't ask permission to a 
fault.” 


(6) MEN ARE GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS 


Mary, 27: “My favorite lover used his 
hands with tactical precision. He would 
touch me in places like my feet, the 
backs of my knees, my back—places 
that you explore when you want to be 
intimate rather than just sexual.” 

Marcia, 35: “I had one boyfriend 
who would stroke me everywhere. He 
had large, strong fingers, and it always 
made me feel more naked.” 


(7) MEN LOVE TO TEASE 


Adrian, 28: “My husband will tie me 
up and leisurely run his hands over my 
body. I can’t believe his patience. By 
the time he unties me, I'm in a frenzy." 

Katie, 24: “One guy was licking me 
and it felt so good I asked him to put 
his fingers inside me. He refused for 
the longest time. Whenever I moved, 
he would stop licking for about ten 

(continued on page 161) 


argentina’s hottest 
export gives acting 
another go 


T HAS BEEN 15 years since we discov- 

ered Veronica Gamba on the set of 

Smokey and the Bandit ПІ. "A woman 
said I looked like Natalie Wood and 
asked if I would pose for PLAYBOY,” she 
recalls. “I couldn't stop giggling.” The 
Buenos Aires-born beauty had reser- 
vations about becoming a Playmate, 
but her mother talked her into it. “She 
said, ‘Why not? You have a beautiful 
body." Veronica's next role, Miss No- 
vember 1983, was a hit, though she de- 
cided to forgo her acting career to raise 
daughter Harlie and son Nicholas. To- 
day, the older, wiser and still beautiful 
(as seen on these pages) Miss Gamba 
is once again ready for her close-up 
Her dream gig? “A woman on Melrose 
Place who seduces everyone,” she says. 
Aaron Spelling, check your messages. 


“Posing nude is o litle like acting. It allows 
me to be someone I'm not,” explains 
Veronica (below, in 1983, and right, today). 


np. 


Т IICA GAMBA. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


“My Latin blood mokes me romantic. | love to look deep into my 
man's eyes and tell him how much | love him,” says Veronica 
(above, with the object of her affection, husband Eric). "I'm also 
very jealous. When I was 16, my boyfriend looked ot PLAYBOY so of- 
ten 1 got pissed off and told him, ‘I'm going to do et someday!” 


PUMPED-UP HITTERS, 
RAMPANT SALARIES 
AND MORE 
EXPANSION WON'T 
SPOIL THE 
FUNDAMENTALS— 
OUR NATIONAL 


PASTIME THRIVES 


OBBY сох looked like 

he had smelled some- 

thing foul. His At- 

lanta Braves had lost 

again, their fifth Oc- 

tober fold in seven 
years, and manager Cox knew why. It's 
“a crapshoot,” he said of the postmod- 
ern postseason, three rounds of play- 
offs in which anything can happen. It 
happened again last fall. The Braves 
had trounced the second-place Florida 
Marlins in the National League East on 
their way to a 101-61 record, best in 
the game. But by finishing 92-70 Flori- 
da made the playoffs as a wild-card 
team. That meant a weeklong rematch 
in which Atlanta outpitched, outscored 
and outhit (.253 to .199) the Marlins — 
and still lost. 

“The best team didn't win,” bitched 
Atlanta's Kenny Lofton. He was right, 
but who cared? We all watched the 
second-best team advance to face the 
Cleveland Indians, who had sneaked 
past a superior Baltimore team on 
their side of the playoffs, in a grand 
World Series that went down to the last 
quarter inch. 

Title-starved Cleveland, which has 
not won it all in 50 years, had it made 
in the ninth inning of the seventh 
game. The Indians’ 63°, 230-pound 
closer, Jose Mesa, had the whole World 
Series in his hand. Mesa rocked and 
launched a pitch that could have end- 
ed the festivities. A slider in the right 


IE? n ag шшщ Yo 
ПІШІНІ = 


Hasehall 
ІБЕгЕМШЕШ 


sperıs By 


place—outside edge—bur with a fatal 
split second of hang time. On any given 
day Florida’s pull-happy young catcher 
Charles Johnson taps that pitch to an 
infielder. Now, in the most im- 
portant at bat of his or any- 
one’s life, Johnson made like 
Tony Gwynn. He slapped a single over 
second base. A quarter of an inch lower 
and the ball is an out. The Series went 
into overtime and, in the eleventh in- 
ning, the Indians’ Tony Fernandez 
showed why Cleveland is cursed. Fer- 
nandez bent over for a routine ground- 
er and Bucknered it. Soon it was fire- 
works over Miami: a blockbuster night 
for Marlins owner Wayne Huizenga, 
who hugged everyone and wept at this 
tearjerker ending. Huizenga was so 
moved that he quickly decided, once 
and for all, to dismantle the team and 
sell it. Which gives us our only sure bet 
for 1998: The world champions suck. 

With the gutted Marlins sinking up 
the NL East, Atlanta might win by 
25 games. In the American playoff 
tier Cleveland will repeat in the Cen- 
tral Division, Lofton is the Indians” 
center fielder again, while ex-Braves 
star Marquis Grissom jumps from 
Cleveland to the Milwaukee Brewers, 
who are jumping to the National 
League. So, naturally, the Detroit Ti- 
gers will jump from the AL East to 
the AL Central, making room for the 
Tampa Bay Devil Rays. 

Got that? Good, because further ex- 


PAINTING BY MIKE BENNY 


Cook 


pansion and radical realignment are 
on the way. The more things change 
in modern baseball, the more they 
change more. 


Fans and pundits 
like to say the game is in trouble. If so, 
at least the players are ready to rum- 
ble. Many ballplayers make a fetish of 
pumping iron and guzzling creatine, a 
nutritional supplement that helps ath- 
letes train harder and develop that Mr. 
Olympia look we are starting to see on 
shortstops. Ken Caminiti bulked up 
and went from 18 homers and 75 RBI 
in 1994 to 40 homers, 130 RBI and an 
MVP award in 1996. Brady Anderson 
had a career high of 21 homers before 
1996, when he hit 50. Mark McGwire, 
the game's strongest player, is another 
creatine man. 

The pump has a price, however. To- 
day's baseball musclemen are so taut 
they can go pop at the least provoca- 
tion. They tend to get hurt more, a fac- 
tor that decides more than its share of 
division races and playoff series. 

Expansion is another engine of 
change. After Tampa and Phoenix launch 
this year, two more teams are likely to 
be created by 2002. That means 40 to 
50 big-league pitchers who might feel 
more at home in Shreveport or Osceo- 
la. It means a dilution of pitching 
throughout the game. Free-swinging 
sluggers feast in such times. The clubs 


AL EAST 


Playboys Picks 


AL CENTRAL | AL WEST 


4. Red Sox 
5. Devil Rays 


1. Yankees 1. Indians 1. Rangers 
2. Orioles 2. White Sox 2. Mariners 
3. Blue Jays 3. Twins 3. Angels 


4. Tigers 
5. Royals 


AL WILD CARD: MARINERS 


4. Athletics 


NL EAST 


NL CENTRAL | NL WEST 


1. Braves 
2. Mets 
3. Marlins 
4. Expos 
5. Phillies 


1. Cardinals 
2. Astros 

3. Pirates 
4. Brewers 
5. Cubs 

6. Reds 


NL WILD CARD: PADRES 


1. Dodgers 

2. Padres 

3. Rockies 

4. Giants 

5. Diamondbacks 


— 


recent move toward small, hitter- 
friendly ballparks is another plus for 
musclemen like McGwire, Jeff Bagwell 
and Andres Galarraga, the whiffmaster 
who is first in the NL in strikeouts— 
and first in homers and runs batted 
in—since 1995, Sometimes the inflated 
homer and RBI totals of such pitch- 
poor times are misleading. The Cubs’ 
Sammy Sosa (who is second in the NL 
in Ks since 1995) may bat only 
with a scary 174 strikeouts, killing 
countless rallies, but he also hits 36 
homers. Sosa got his numbers, so he 
gets $10 million per year. 

The new emphasis on stats shows an- 
other change: Real baseball is getting 
to be more like a fantasy league. Every 
trade, every free-agent signing, every 
transaction is driven by a calculus of 
salary and stats. Contract negotiation, 
renegotiation, arbitration—they are all 


AL CHAMPS: YANKEES 
NL CHAMPS: BRAVES 


WORLD CHAMPS: YANKEES 


about the numbers in each player's stat 
line. Nobody shows a videotape of any- 
one bunting the runner over when 
agents meet with general managers 
over arbitration. Nobody gets an extra 
million for hitting the cutoff man. Only 
statistics count at money time. Which 
leads to a pet peeve of mine: A batter 
starts off the ninth inning with his team 
trailing by four runs and swings at the 
first pitch. 

I actually boo the TV when that hap- 
pens. It is all about one guy trying to 
get his numbers, his money, and the 
hell with the game. 

Otherwise the wrinkled old national 
pastime is doing fine. There is tasty de- 
bate over Mike Piazza, the best-hitting 
catcher of all time, and a pair of his 
rivals for the number two slot on 
the Cooperstown All-Stars. Would you 
rather have Piazza or Florida’s Charles 


Johnson, who at 26 is already the finest 
defensive catcher ever? Most scouts 
would trump them both with the Rang- 
ers’ Ivan Rodriguez, also 26, a better 
all-round catcher than either Piazza or 
Johnson. 

Another plus: We are entering a sort 
of golden age of player quotes. While 
many ballplayers still put their faith in 
clichés, telling you they give 110 per- 
cent and praise the Lord, more and 
more players are media savvy and of- 
ten intentionally funny. When pitcher 
Al Leiter limped off the field he told re- 
porters, “My groin has no comment.” 

Lefty Kent Mercker left an itemized 
note to reporters on his locker after a 
loss to the Mets: “(1) Bad location with 
fastball. (2) Fell behind too many hit- 
ters. (3) Stunk. (4) Stunk. (5) Stunk 
again.” 

When Cubs pitcher Jeremi Gonzalez 
threw a fastball at Jeff Kent's chin, 
Kent, the Giants’ muy macho infielder, 
jumped up and began jawing at Gon- 
zalez. Cubs catcher Tyler Houston, de- 
fending his pitcher’s manhood, went 
after Kent. Both benches emptied and 
now there were 50 grown men wres- 
tling, kicking and biting. Shrugged 
Kent: “Just male bonding.” 

As this nut-scratching ballet lurches 
toward its third century, Atlanta is 
probably still the best team. The Braves 
are talented cnough to contend every 
year and rich enough to spend the 
$5 million or $6 million it costs to rent 
a key player when the pennant race 
heats up. Atlanta has every right to ap- 
pear in this year’s World Series. 

Naturally, I'm picking the Yankees. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST 


The Yankees aren't exactly rebuild- 
ing, not with Darryl Strawberry and 
Tim Raines still rattling around Babe 
Ruth's old house with sore-armed 
David Cone and manager Joe Torre, 
whose worry lines are now a foot deep 
Strawberry is 36, Rock of Ages Raines 
is 38, Cone 35, and Torre looks 100. In 
an off-season move to rejuvenate the 
DH slot, New York signed 38-year-old 
Chili Davis. 

The Yanks aren’t exactly fitness 
freaks, either. While other big leaguers 
pump iron, Yankees hurlers David 
Wells and Hideki Irabu waddle to the 
mound. Fans hang a picture of a cold 
beer from the stands when Wells strikes 
out somebody. Irabu, the ballyhooed 
Japanese League ace who was sup- 
posed to be better than Hideo Nomo, 
was a case of ло mas instead—he got 
hammered and seemed to quit trying. 

So why pick New York to win a fierce 
division, then beat Adanta in a rematch 
of the 1996 Series? Because owner 
George Steinbrenner’s and former 


| A >= ~ 


‘A day like this and all you can think of is, We've never 
lone it on a roof before!” 


PLAYBOY 


124 


general manager Bob Watson's deci- 
sions won't all backfire. Even their 
questionable moves have an upside. 
Strawberry and Raines may bea pair of 
weak full-time outfielders, but shove 
them together and you get one good 
one. The portly Wells is worth two six- 
packs of strikeouts on a good night, 
while aging DH Davis can only be 
better (and far less pricey) than Cecil 
Fielder, the bad-year blimp who made 
$9 million for his 13 homers. Even the 
Irabu debacle may turn out to be a 
prelude to years of excellence by an 
accomplished pitcher who can only 
improve. 

Irabu can provide ballast for a rota- 
tion headed by ace Andy Pettitte. Start- 
ers Doc Gooden and Kenny Rogers are 
gone. That's addition by subtraction; 
Yankees pitchers will now lead the 
league in ERA. First baseman Tino 
Martinez, shortstop Derek Jeter, out- 
fielders Bernie Williams and Paul 
O'Neill and DH Davis anchor a divi- 
sion-best offense that got even better 
when Steinbrenner acquired all-star 
second baseman Chuck Knoblauch. 
And the Boss acquired Knoblauch 
without giving up hotshot minor lea- 
guer Ricky Ledee. Ledee was hurt last 
year—blew out his groin in May—but 
he may grow into a .300-30-100 man in 
the majors. 

If all goes well for the Yanks, or even 
if most of their personnel moves turn 
out decently, they can reclaim the 
World Series crown that Florida bor- 
rowed last year. 1 see Steinbrenner's 
team beating America's team in Octo- 
ber—another heartbreaking loss for 
Atlanta. This year's lasting image won't 
be the Braves fans tomahawk chops or 
those noxious "We're #1” foam-rubber 
index fingers Atlanta fans wave. In- 
stead, we'll see the New York version of 
"We're #1,” a salute with a different 
finger. 

Orioles owner Peter Angelos didn't 
like Davey Johnson. Angelos, a wealthy 
local gargoyle, forced Johnson out af- 
ter back-to-back playoff appearances 
and hired Ray Miller, former pitching 
coach for Jim Leyland’s championship 
Pittsburgh teams. Miller takes over a 
veteran team. A very veteran team. In 
fact, the Baltimore lineup (starring 37- 
year-old ironman Cal Ripken as he 
stretches out his million-game march 
and slowly turns to pewter, plus 1993 
World Series hero Joe Carter and can- 
cer survivor Eric Davis) is so old that 
fans are calling the stadium Jurassic 
Park at Camden Yards. Angelos thinks 
this is the club that will finally bring 
home the hardware in October. But re- 
placing Davey Johnson with a new 
manager is an odd way to helm one of 
the oldest teams in recent history. Bal- 
timore's Mike Mussina-led pitching 


staff will suffer from the departure of 
closer Randy Myers and can only slip 
from its league-best status of last year. 
Oriole's fans can't wait for a season that 
may be only the first in a long string of 
disappointments. 

Ex-Oriole Myers flew the coop and 
landed in Toronto, where he'll save 40 
games for Roger Clemens and the Blue 
Jays. Without Joe Carter, the once- 
proud Jays may sputter with an offense 
that struggled even with Carter 
aboard. New catcher Darrin Fletcher 
(17 homers for Montreal in 1997) and 
veteran Mike Stanley need even more 
help than sophomore slugger Jose 
Cruz Jr. can provide. Cruz, stolen from 
Seattle when Mariners GM Woody 
Woodward panicked at the trading 
deadline last year, had 26 homers in a 
partial season at the tender age of 23. 
The Jays still finished last in the East. 
In games not started by Clemens they 
played .414 ball. Clemens and Pat 
Hentgen head a strong rotation, 
though, and Myers won't blow 21 
leads, as Toronto relievers did last sea- 
son. Look for rookie manager Tim 
Johnson's men to finish a distant third. 

Toronto will end up a game or two 
ahead of the Red Sox in the first year 
of Dan Duquette’s great experiment, 
the Boston K party. A year ago the gen- 
eral manager let local god Clemens 
walk rather than pay him $50 million, 
only to see the Rocket sign with divi- 
sion rival Toronto, earn a standing O 
on his return to Fenway Park and win 
21 games with a 2.05 ERA and a Cy 
Young award for the Jays. Now Du- 
quette signs 26-year-old Pedro Mar- 
tinez to a $75 million contract—the 
biggest bucks ever for a pitcher—in 
hopes that he'll be the next Clemens. 
It's a huge risk. Martinez has magical 
stuff but has had only one big year so 
far. Boston's rickety bullpen is another 
risk, Starter Tom Gordon shifted to the 
pen last summer and became an effec- 
tive closer; Duquette rewards him by 
signing ancient closer Dennis Eckers- 
ley, probably reducing Gordon to a set- 
up role. First sacker Mo Vaughn, who 
hit 35 homers last year while griping 
aloud about the GM, leads an overrat- 
ed offense that hit fewer homers than 
the miserable Oakland As in 1997. 
Vaughn is worth his weight—roughly 
535,000 troy ounces—in gold. Rookie 
of the Year shortstop Nomar Garcia- 
parra (.306, 30 homers, 98 RBI, first 
name the reverse of his dad's), coming 
off one of the hardest-hitting seasons 
ever by a leadoff man, will be worth far 
more than Vaughn in the long run. But 
GM Duquette, seeking to prove his 
own worth, keeps risking the Sox’ 
ruination. 

Unlike those other Florida fish, Tam- 
pa Bay's Devil Rays won't shock the 


world any time soon. Like their name- 
sakes, they will be bottom feeders. The 
Rays can throw familiar faces—such 
as Fred McGriff and Wade Boggs—at 
you. But Wilson Alvarez and Roberto 
Hernandez, the erstwhile Killer Zs of 
the Chicago White Sox, must now toil 
for a team that will put fans to sleep. By 
the time Tampa Bay has any important 
games to save, Hernandez may be old- 
er than Boston closer Eckersley. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL 


The Indians were an eighth of an 
inch from the promised land—that was 
the distance on Charles Johnson's bat 
between a Series-ending double play 
and the single over Tony Fernandez’ 
head that Johnson hit instead, giving 
Fernandez a chance to play goat half 
an hour later. Cleveland still has only 
heartbreak to show for its brilliant sea- 
sons of the past three years. General 
manager John Hart laid the ground- 
work for this renaissance ten years ago, 
signing his young stars to long-term 
contracts. Fans responded to the club's 
marketing, which emphasized the ex- 
citement of building for the future. 
Next came a new stadium. Jacobs 
Field, a sterling example of the new 
retro school of ballpark design execut- 
ed with Disneyesque precision, is a 
perfect postmodern ballpark—a cross 
between Ebbets Field and a mall. By 
1996, only five years after the Indians 
went 57-105, they were the hottest 
ticket in town. Every game was sold out 
before Opening Day. 

Two years later you still can’t get a 
ticket, but Indians fans don't sound too 
bullish. Hart's plan worked—the club's 
young stars matured together and be- 
came the league's best team—but, like 
hapless Atlanta, the Indians kept losing 
in the postseason. Hart's rebuilding 
program is now widely copied by other 
rebuilding clubs. Still, there’s some- 
thing missing in the Jacobs Field office 
of the game's smartest GM: a World Se- 
ries trophy. 

With Lofton back in center after his 
tumultuous sabbatical with the Braves, 
Hart and manager Mike Hargrove 
have their most important player in 
place. Matt Williams is gone, but ex- 
Tiger Travis Fryman should hit 25 
homers. Cleveland discovered lion- 
hearted starter Jaret Wright in 1997; 
Hart has added oft-injured Ben Mc- 
Donald, Steve Karsay, Doc Gooden and 
other intriguing possibilities to a staff 
that features the fierce one-two punch 
of Mike Jackson and Jose Mesa in the 
bullpen. Add Geronimo Berroa and 
another role player or two, plus a big- 
name pitcher Hart will rent for the 
1998 pennant drive, and you can plan 
to pay scalpers’ rates if you want to see 


(continued on page 128) 


PLAYBOY GALLERY 


ox-office star Burt Reynolds stole th iow in October 1979 and then Burt copped her ears for himsel 
as only the second man (after Peter Sellers) to appear on the ır elite list of cover men has grown to include 
of ptaveoy_ Caught in th by photographer Mario Steve Martin, Donald Trump, Dan Aykroyd, Jerry Seinfeld 
lli, Burt and Playmate Gig Gangel spent much of the and Leslie Nielsen. All nice, but Burt's bunny is a classic 


"earth to mir- 
— it's your mother 
Calling!" 


ouston, we have a pager—or, 
rather, four of them that per- 
form amazing messaging feats. 
OK, they can’t beep you on the 
moon, but they provide excellent 
ground service. All are alphanumeric 
(the only way to go, in our opinion), 
which means callers can send text 
messages along with their phone num- 
bers. This combo comes in handy 
when you forget the name of the wom- 
an you gave your pager number to, buts 
it also allows you to receive extra info 
on the fly, including news, sports 
“~~ ‘scores and stock reports. Need to read 
>" and respond to e-mail and faxes from 
^N tht id? New two-way paging devic- 
Wes mini keyboards can do that, 
as we store phone numbers and 
sch Most models beep or vi- 
brate, but some pagers will even play 
a tune. Fly Me to the Moon, anyone? 


Clockwise from top left: The world’s 
smallest alphanumeric pager, Motoro- 
la's Jazz measures 2.9"x1.5"x1". Its 
features include a one-line scrolling 
display and a 2200-character memory. 
Price: $150. Texas Instruments' Ad- 
vantra Premier is an organizer with a 
four-line display and PC connectivity 
($300). Research in Motion’s Interac- 
tive Pager has a clamshell design that 
opens to reveal a four-line lay and 
keyboard for sending e-mail, faxes 
and more ($575). The PC card that is 
part of Socket's alphanumeric Page- 
Card allows you to answer your mes- 
sages and e-mail via computer ($250). 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 168. 


PLAYBOY 


128 


Baseball emma ‘from page 124) 


“Play ball or I'll let the Twins become the Char- 
lotte/Greensboro/Winston-Salem Triplets.” 


the Indians win again this September. 
Before they lose in October. 

Frank Thomas, Albert Belle and Rob- 
in Ventura make the White Sox the AL 
Central team everyone else fears. You 
can’t beat Chicago without sneaking 
through that minefield. Fortunately for 
the rest of the league, owner Jerry 
Reinsdorf stripped the Sox’ roster of 
almost everything but murderers’ row. 
Even in 1997 with the gimpy Ventura 
hitting only six homers, those three 
players accounted for nearly half of 
Chicago's total of 158. Reinsdorf capit- 
ulated last summer, trading most of the 
club's best pitchers because, he said, 
“Anyone who thinks we can catch 
Cleveland is crazy.” At the time they 
were three and a half games behind. 

This season will prove again that 
Reinsdorf was right. After dumping his 
assets and dumping them cheap, the 
owner has assured White Sox fans a 
decade of mediocrity. 

The rest of the Central is shooting 
for .500. Take the Twins—please. In a 
68-94 season Minnesota batted a pass- 
able .270 but hit only 132 homers, the 
worst in the league. Twins pitching was 
still worse—an ERA of precisely 5.00. 
Their best player, second baseman 
Chuck Knoblauch, is now gone. The 
club was in dire need of a youth move- 
ment, so what happens? General man- 
ager Terry Ryan signs elderly singles 
machine Paul Molitor, plus free agents 
Otis Nixon, 39, and Mike Morgan, 38. 
Starter Brad Radke, who went 20-10 
in a breakthrough 1997 season, joins 
Morgan, soft-tossing control freak Bob 
Tewksbury (two batters walked since 
Little League) and a rookie or two in 
the Twins’ rotation. Infielder Todd 
Walker takes over as Knoblauch's re- 
placement at second base. Meanwhile 
owner Carl Pohlad, spurned by local 
voters and legislators who refuse to 
build him a new stadium, threatens to 
sell the team and let it skip town. “Play 
ball or ГЇЇ let the Twins become the 
Charlotte/Greensboro/Winston-Salem 
Triplets,” threatens Pohlad. To which 
many fans reply, "See ya." 

Detroit's Tigers improved by 26 
games in 1997, from 53-109 to 79-83. 
"They edged out the Sox and the Jays to 
finish third in the AL East, slicing al- 
most two runs from the team ERA. 
Scarily strong 67” first baseman Tony 
Clark smacked 32 homers, plated 117 
runs and batted .276, adding 26 points 
to his 1996 batting average. Clark also 


lifted his strikeouts from 127 to a whiff- 
masterly 144. At 25 Clark is only get- 
ting better, Center fielder Brian Hun- 
ter became the first Tiger since Ty 
Cobb to lead the majors in steals. Out- 
fielder Bobby Higginson deserves a 
few million All-Star votes, too. Twenty- 
two-year-old Deivi Cruz is a human 
vacuum at shortstop, and veterans Bip 
Roberts, Luis Gonzalez and Joe Randa 
don't suck. Still, with manager Buddy 
Bell's pitching staff due for a fall, the 
Tigers are likely to slip backward be- 
fore reaching the .500 mark in 1999 
or 2000. 

Royals closer Jeff Montgomery re- 
covered from a bum shoulder and a 
rocky first half to notch his 256th ca- 
reer save last fall. A Kansas City rota- 
tion featuring Kevin Appier's stellar 
stuff (103 wins in eight years—all with 
sub-4.00 ERAs) and the sneaky junk of 
Tim Belcher, who managed a 13-12 
record with a gruesome 5.02 ERA, is 
worth rooting for. Ditto first baseman 
Jeff King, who managed 28 homers 
and 112 RBI while batting only .238. 
Third baseman Dean Palmer (23 hom- 
ers, 86 RBI with KC and Texas) has re- 
upped. Beyond that the Royals, who 
ran last in the AL Central last year, 
show few signs of life. Outfielder John- 
ny Damon, once compared to George 
Brett, now looks more like Tom Po- 
quette. Prospects Felix Martinez, Jere- 
my Giambi and Rod Myers all arrive 
with question marks attached. Expect 
another year of Royal pain. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST 


Nobody in his right mind could pick 
against Seattle in the West. But I am 
left-brained and see the logic in Rang- 
ers general manager Doug Melvin's 
moves. In midsummer 1997, when he 
saw Ken Griffey Jr. & Co. move ten 
games ahead, Melvin started planning 
for 1998. It was a classic fantasy league 
move: bail and lurk. While Seattle 
surged ahead toward another postsea- 
son defeat, Melvin shuffled his roster. 
He added a role player here and a 
cheap spare part there to complement 
the Texas nucleus of mighty Juan Gon- 
zalez, catcher Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez 
and closer John Wetteland. Texas’ 
skilled if unthrilling rotation features 
Darren Oliver (13-12, 4.20 ERA), John 
Burkett (9-12, 4.56) and Aaron Sele 
(13-12 for Boston). Their motto: “Com- 
petent innings.” Bobby Witt, Rick Hel- 
ling, Roger Pavlik and rookie Matt Per- 


isho add pitching depth. The Texas at- 
tack, which dipped to 4.9 runs per 
game in 1997, should rebound. Short- 
stop Kevin Elster came from no- 
where—a nine-year average of four 
homers per year—to swat 24 for the 
Rangers two years ago, then spent an 
injured year in Pittsburgh. Elster re- 
turns to a lineup that teams Gonzalez’ 
42-homer power and the fast-maturing 
genius of Pudge Rodriguez, who keeps 
improving. Since 1992 he has batted 
.260, .273, .298, .303, .300 and .313. 
Last year the league's best catcher hit 
20 homers for the first time. He is only 
26. Texas also has Will Clark at first 
base, outfielder Rusty Greer and recla- 
mation project Lee Stevens as desig- 
nated hitter. Longtime prospect Ste- 
vens had hit only 17 homers in four 
years of trying, then hit 21 when man- 
ager Johnny Oates gave him a full-time 
shot. Center fielder Tom Goodwin, an- 
other of Melvin's acquisitions, returns 
to zoom around the bases to the tune of 
90-plus runs and 50 steals. Roberto 
Kelly and Luis Alicea give Oates op- 
tions off the bench. After playing pos- 
sum last fall, the Rangers are ready 
to pounce. 

Lou Piniella's Mariners are starting 
to look like the Atlanta Braves. They 
have the best pitcher and the most fa- 
mous guys but fall flat in October. Last 
season Ken Griffey Jr. staked his claim 
to be the game's best player, batting 
.304 with 56 homers and 147 RBI. He 
won his usual Gold Glove. Randy John- 
son won 20 games with a 2.28 ERA and 
almost 300 strikeouts. Edgar Martinez 
made a run at the batting title, Jay 
Buhner hit 40 homers, manager Piniel- 
la popped 20 to 30 blood vessels and 
Seattle won the AL West as usual. Re- 
sult: another playoff loss. With John- 
son reportedly on offer as trade bait, 
Seattle's divisional hegemony is in per- 
il. Like Cleveland, Atlanta, Baltimore 
and other teams whose time has come 
and gone, the Mariners of the Grif- 
fey-Johnson era may get worse before 
they get back to the playoffs. General 
manager Woodward's 1997 trade of 
Jose Cruz Jr. for a pair of jockstraps 
may become the Cruz Curse, a death 
Knell like the Babe Ruth sale of 1920 
that sentenced Boston to eternal 
damnation. 

The Disneyland Angels will soon win 
this division every year. For the Disney 
Co.'s baseball flagship, the jewel of the 
Anaheim baseball experience, nothing 
less than success will suffice. Their old 
football-friendly, earthquake-fissured 
stadium has been morphed into a 
retro-modern baseball mall where 
slugger Tim Salmon, phenom Darin 
Erstad and closer Troy Percival can 
shine for years. General manager Bill 

(continued on page 156) 


“What kind of parents are you? You keep telling me to get down to 
asics—and now, when I do, you get pissed!” 


ast February the Star printed a story 
called “Bill and His Women.” The tabloid 
reprinted the cover shot from our May 1992 is- 
sue to illustrate an article on indiscretion. Here 
she is, folks, Miss America 1982, Elizabeth 
Ward Gracen—a fresh look at some previously 
unpublished photos of the woman who made 
such an impression on President Clinton 
When we ran our original pictorial, tabloids 
such as the Star were claiming that Clinton 
spent state funds on an affair with the former 
beauty queen. Gracen's response was a lesson 
to all who pry: “Basically, what the tabloids are 
asking me is, Have I slept with this person? 1 
don't believe that's anyone's business. 1 have 
certain boundaries about what I choose to re- 
veal about myself, and I respect other people's 


boundaries as well.” 
; | Elizabeth was a class act then, and she’s а 
did the president have sex 


class act now. She is everything we would want 


with miss america? given in a lover—for more than the obvious reasons. 
We were working on that pictorial long 


the chance, who wouldn't? before the tabloids tried to link Gracen to 


Amazing Qracen 


BICC AND HIS WOMENE ZA 


The incessant tabloid coverage of Clinton's alleged affair with Monica Lewinsky spawned 
the above Stor and Enquirer stories this post February ond raised the question "Da we 
care about the president's bedroom behavior?” Elizabeth Gracen persuasively declared in 

180 1992, “There are mare important issues in a presidential campaign than a man’s fidelity." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


Clinton. The former Miss America 
wanted to send a wake-up call to 
Hollywood. And it worked. (She 
has appeared in films and on televi- 
sion.) Nudged by the tabloid refer- 
ence, we went back to our files 
What we found were shots of a re- 
markably attractive woman whose 
name is in the news. Do we need 
further justification? Gracen is a 
without doubt the most beautiful 
woman in this story. What would 
you have done in Bill's place? 
Having said that, let's take this 
opportunity to reflect on the media 
circus that has surrounded Moni- 
ca Lewinsky. With little evidence, 
the media fabricated details—the 
semen-stained dress, the Secret 
Service voyeur, the hours of tele- 
phone sex—right out of a fire-and- 
brimstone sermon. Commentators 


resurrected scripts that were 
as modern as any soap opera 
and as old as Cotton Mather. At 
the same time, the common 
man looked at Clinton and 
asked, “Who cares?” We knew 
about it in 1992 and still voted 

him in. Nothing has changed. 
At the heart of most of the 
pontification is the notion that 
male lust needs to be curbed, 
that anything more than one 
woman for one man for all 
(text continued on page 164) 


BEN STILLER 


rowing up on the road with his actor- 
comedian parents Jerry Stiller and 

Anne Meara, Ben Stiller often watched six 
hours of television a day. He fell at home 
with “Bewitched” and "I Dream of Jean- 
nie.” He could recite every word of every 
episode of “SCTV.” He was more familiar 
with Will Shatner than with Will Shake- 
speare. Eventually, Stiller learned to read, 
write and direct. Predisposed to a career in 
show business, he studied theater at UCLA 
for a year before opting out of college and 
heading home to New York, where he made 
his professional acting debut on Broadway 
in “The House of Blue Leaves." Stiller per- 
suaded some cast members (including Swoo- 
sie Kurtz and Stockard Charming) to appear 
in a short comedy film he directed, “The 
Hustler of Money,” a spoof of Martin Scor- 
sese's “The Color of Money.” The film aired 
on “Saturday Night Live,” and Stiller was 
soon hired as a featured player and appren- 
tice writer. After an unhappy five-week stint, 
Stiller left the show and created “The Ben 
Stiller Show" for MTV, That show moved to 
Fox, where it won an Emmy for comedy writ- 
ing but flopped in the ratings. It was during 
the series’ run that Stiller established his on- 
going comedic collaboration with Janeane 
Garofalo. They shared the big screen with 
Winona Ryder in Stiller's feature-length 
motion picture directorial debut, “Reality 
Bites.” Stiller followed with a leading role 
in the hit “Flirting With Disaster,” then 
turned director again for the controversial 
$40 million Jim Carrey film “The Cable 
Guy.” Now Stiller is back to acting, with 
starring roles in “Zero Effect” opposite Bill 
Pullman and “Permanent Midnight,” based 
on Jerry Stahl's dark Hollywood memoir: 
Süller is working 


dı 
a young of Budd Sehul. 
1 berg’s wnrepen- 
prince of — e 
novel "What 
hollywood Makes Sammy 
sounds off on Rund ” which he 
opes to direct 

él and star й 
self hatred, RU OTTO 
self-esteem caught up with 
d the King Road Cafe 
al F in Жш Holly- 
downside of кегі: Bere 
orts: “For me, 
the onscreen Ber handsome, 
unshaven, wear- 
boner 82 en elits Te 


shirt and black 
pants—could 
have been the guy 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JEFFREY THURNHER. 


behind the counter, the owner от the poetry 
reader on Friday nights. He definitely does 
not have an entourage.” 


1. 


PLAYBOY: The real scourge of today's 
youth—drugs or TV? 

STILLER: It's probably a combination of 
I've had more experience with 
on. It's detrimental to your 
thinking process. Once in a while Í run. 
into somebody who doesn't watch tele- 
vision at all, and it's astonishing the 
way he or she talks about ideas and 
books. When you stop watching TV, it's 
like coming off a drug. I'm not into 
prime-time television. I watch the late- 
night stuff or the fringe cable channels. 
Television has become an atmospheric 
presence in my house, which is proba- 
bly even scarier. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: You're one of the chief theo- 
reticians of and apologists for the post- 
Generation X mind-set: Ironic dispo: 
tion, deadpan demeanor, dark clothes. 
Are we missing something? 

STILLER: J like dark clothes. When Real- 
ity Bites came out, there was so much 
Generation X bullshit about it, I want- 
ed to jump off the Eiffel Tower. It got 
ridiculous. 1 never viewed myself in 
any way except by what I was doing. 
Reality Bites was written by Helen Chil- 
dress. If anybody deserves credit for a 
generational voice, it’s her. 


Eh 


PLAYBOY: There isn't a lot of nudity in 
Gen X movies. Why all the modesty? 

SriLLER: Reality Bites isn't really about 
sex. It focuses on two people who have 
been in love with each other for a long 
time. It's not supposed to be a Red Shoe 
Diaries episode. 1 like sex in movies as 
much as the next guy. I'm considering 
doing a movie about the porn industry. 
If the sex scenes were relevant to what 
the movie's about, Га show as much 
sex as the next guy. I’m constantly 
asked to do sex scenes. I'm sick of peo- 
ple seeing me as just a piece of ass. I'm 
self-conscious about my body. I had a 
scene in Flirting With Disaster in which 1 
had a boner. I had to deal with the fall- 
out from that. It seems to be people's 
favorite: “Oh, man, the scene where 
you had the boner—that was the best. 
How'd you do that?" It was fake, but I 
had to walk around all day with it on, 
Somehow, it wasn't embarrassing for 
me to do that scene. I felt silly and fun- 


ny. The sex in that movie was dealt 
with in a very real way as opposed to 
being romanticized; it wasn't meant to 
be hot or erotic. People in this society 
are so repressed about sex. That's why 
PLAYBOY is successful. I started reading 
PLAYBOY when I was ten. 


4. 


pLaysoy: Describe the lifestyle of the 
posthip. 
STILLER: My dad had a hip replacement 
and he's doing fine. He has much more 
mobility. 


5. 


rLAYBOY: Jancane Garofalo says she's 
self-hating but has high self-esteem. Is 
that common among the posthip? 
STILLER: 1 think most actors have in- 
credibly big egos, but they're also in- 
credibly insecure. That's a bad combi- 
nation. I include myself in this group. 
For whatever psychological reasons, we 
want and need approval from every- 
body in the universe, though we al- 
so think we're totally unworthy of it. 
We need to validate ourselves through 
our work. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Why is the literacy rate in the 
U.S. among the lowest in the devel- 
oped world? 

STILLER: The U.S. is geographically iso- 
lated from other countries. We don't 
come into contact with other popula- 
tions. I just got back from Europe, 
where everybody is at least bilingual, 
usually wilingual, because the coun- 
tries are so close to one another and 
people are in contact with different na- 
tionalities and cultures. American cul- 
ture is sedentary. There's something 
very wrong with the educational sys- 
tem in this country. 1 went to a private 
school on the Upper West Side of Man- 
hattan. I was able to skate along and 
not work very hard because I knew my 
parents had money and would be able 
to send me to college. 


th 


PLAYBOY: Say you're doing a remake of 
War and Peace. Would you get the book 
or the Cliffs Notes or rent the original 
from the video store? 

STILLER: I would probably use the notes 
as a guide as I watched the video. I'ma 
multimedia sort of person. I used to 
read and have the TV on and listen 
to a CD all at once. Гус been trying to 


PLAYBOY 


140 


focus on one thing at a time. So Га start 
reading the book, and as time pro- 
gressed, I'd realize 1 wouldn't ever get 
through it. Then I'd switch over to the 
notes and watch the end of the movie to 
figure out what happened. That would 
take two hours. I usually flip through a 
script to the end to see if my character is 
still there. Now I'm trying to enjoy the 
experience of just reading. 


8. 


PLAYBOY: People call you the nicest guy 
in Hollywood. What would they be 
shocked to know about you? 

STILLER: I'm repressed. Every once in a 
while my dark side comes out—in a way 
that has never hurt anyone. I don't real- 
ly do drugs. I have never done heroin. 
I have experimented with the minor 
drugs. I've never done cocaine either. 
I'm taking this opportunity to tell you 
which drugs I've never done. Once in a 
while I have weird little adventures. All 
those things we repress in American cul- 
ture are present in me. I'm working 
hard with my therapist to bring them all 
to the surface in a way that will be safe 
for everybody to deal with. 


93 


PLAYBOY: We understand you dislike 
jokes. Which joke forced you into a joke- 
free environment? 

STILLER: Right now I don't think I could 
recall one joke, except maybe a riddle 
from when I was ten years old. My par- 
ents never really told jokes in their act. 


CRUISER 


I'D LIKE 72 SPEND A 


LOT MORE TIME шпн | WILD CARNIVAL RIDE OF 
SEXUAL ADVENTURES! J 


I'D LIKE TO TAKE You ON A 


They did sketches and characters. Hu- 
mor catches you off guard. So when 
somebody says, "here'sa joke," the laugh 
is never going to be genuine. I was 
watching Harold and Maude recently by 
myself, and a couple of times 1 laughed 
out loud. Also, 1 love Hal Ashby movies. 


10. 


pLayBoy: Of the jobs you've had, which 
should have been fun that weren't? 

SVILLER: For a summer I was a busboy 
and waiter at a place in New York called 
Café Central, which was a hip, trendy 
restaurant in 1985. First I bused tables 
and was really bad at it. I'm clumsy at 
carrying plates and glasses. You had to 
have a swiftness and a facility for carry- 


i 
ing stacked objects. That wasn't me. I 
was interested in who was coming in, be- 
cause it was an actor hangout. I would 
want to see who was talking to whom 
and what they were saying—basically, 
stuff you shouldn't do as a person of ser- 
vice. Dudley Moore came into the 
restaurant and I was really interested in 
what he was saying. I kept going over to 
make sure that he and his companion 
had enough coffee and that their plates 
were cleared. 1 think I really annoyed 
him. I kept changing the ashtrays with 
that move wherc you put the clean ash- 
tray over the full ashtray and remove 
both and put back the clean ashtray. 1 
think I did that one time too many. Then 
I became a waiter there, and dealing 
with orders and the kitchen was worse. 
It prompted me to get acting work. 


AG: 


PLAYBOY: We hear you dislike auditions 
What happens when you're directing a 
film and a friend does a bad audition for 
you? Can you say, for instance, “Janeane, 
you blew that one’ 
STILLER: First of all, I don't think I could 
get Janeane in to audition. She's too dif- 
ficult to get on the phone now. She's do- 
ing films with Sylvester Stallone. Second 
only to auditioning on my own, in terms 
of torture, would be to watch a friend 
audition. It's hard to maintain a sense of 
dignity in an audition. I have done so 
many auditions where I've put it out 
there and have been met with that kind 
of blank stare—"Great! Thanks! OK! 
Great work! Thanks for coming in!" At 
the door I'm thinking, What the hell am 
1 doing with my life? If I want to work 
with friends, 1 just offer them the parts. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: What about the appropriation 
of contemporary movie titles by the X- 
rated industry? For example, The Cable 
Guy could become The Able Guy. Is there 
a pornoproof movie title? 

STILLER: I haven't seen one for Get Shorty. 
That's not going to bring a lot of people 
to a movie theater. I enjoy seeing what 
they do with the porno movic titles. 
I never fail to chuckle when I see a clev- 
er one. 


13. 


PLAYBOY: Is irony the only form of rebel- 
lion left when you admire your parents 


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Бә 


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НАМЕ A NASTY FIGHT WHEN І MAKE A PLAY FOR 

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141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


and their work? 

STILLER: My early rebellion was that I 
wasn't going to be funny. That's what I 
thought when J was in high school. I was 
going to be a serious actor and make se- 
rious movies. 1 tried to do that for a 
while, but unfortunately you can't help 
what's in your system. As much as I tried 
to get away from it, I kept coming back 
to things that made me laugh—SCTV 
and things like that. You have to rebel 
against your parents when you're that 
age, so what happened was that my hu- 
mor took on the second-generation cyn- 
ical edge that 1 saw in all the show-busi- 
ness parodies they did on SCTV. That 
show was made for me. Nobody else got 
it as much as my sister and J. We would 
watch it when we were both 14 and see 
things like “The Sammy Maudlin Show” 
and think, Oh my God, we've actually 
lived this. We've seen this happen. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: What was the most unreason- 
able position that your parents took 
with you? 

STILLER: The time my mother forced me 
to go to camp comes to mind. She insist- 
ed I go and J hated it. 1 couldn't under- 
stand why it was so important. Now I see 
she was helping me grow up. My parents 
put me on an airplane and I freaked out 
and made the pilot turn the plane 
around. I went home that day, but the 
next day they made me go back. At the 


time I thought my mother was Hitler. I 
wanted to stay home: “I love you. I want 
to be with you and Daddy." Now I realize 
they were doing the right thing. They 
were great parents. I love them. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: What would life be like if you 
were going through it as Ben Meara? 
STILLER: ГЇЇ always be associated with 
both of my parents in some way. You 
have to embrace that. I've been lucky 
enough to carve out my own career. It's 
hard for the kids who have to live in the 
shadows of these huge celebrities. A. 
friend saw my dad and me at a Knicks 
game. He saw a father and son watching 
us. The father said, "Look, there's Jerry. 
Stiller." The son said, "There's Ben 
Stiller." Neither knew who the other guy 
was. It's different audiences. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: Is David Letterman the spiritu- 
al leader of Generation X? 

STILLER: I think David Letterman is the 
comedic persona of the Eighties and 
Nineties. Letterman's attitude has been 
copied by so many shows. He has influ- 
enced a generation of television person- 
alities. Letterman is the guy Generation 
X grew up with. It's been interesting to 
watch him mature and become like the 
establishment. Now there's a countercul- 
ture to him, but he'll always be the king 
to Generation X. He is funny five nights 


"I already have a hare shirt." 


a week. I did The Ben Stiller Show for 13 
episodes. 1 was almost relieved when we 
got canceled. It’s hard to keep up the 
quality. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: Describe your perfect world 
since Reality Bites. 

STILLER: A world with no indecision. I'm 
really indecisive. I wish 1 didn't have to 
make choices all the time because they 
drive me crazy and I always second- 
guess myself. A perfect world would be 
to know whar's right and what's wrong 
and act on it and not worry about hurt- 
ing people's feelings. 1 have a lot more to 
learn about life. I need to experience the 
world more. I like to explore, but I also 
like to go home to my comfortable bed. 


18. 


PLAYBOY: Given that Gen Xers don't exer- 
cise, tell us about your workout regimen. 
STILLER: I’m working on my abs a lot, 
and my glutes. 1 have a treadmill in my 
house and 1 like to run at this lake in 
Hollywood. I just try to run a lot. I like to 
swim when I have access to a pool. Once 
ina while I lift weights, but I start tolook 
like Stretch Armstrong. I need to do 
more of the aerobics stuff. 1 can get neu- 
rotic about that. There is a real advan- 
tage to working out. When you're not 
feeling well or you're depressed and you 
go out and do something physical, it сап 
change your attitude. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: Discuss the topic: Jim Carrey— 
sure thing. 

STILLER: That's what the money people 
in Hollywood like about Jim Carrey, that 
he'sa sure thing. Because of Jim, even a 
dark, strange film like The Cable Guy will 
gross more than $100 million world- 
wide. Sadly, that's all the money people 
sce him as. They don't see him as what 
he is, which is an incredibly talented guy 
who's willing to take chances and who to- 
tally commits to what he's doing and re- 
ally wants to grow. 


20. 


PLAYBOY: Does how you treat your car say 
something about you? Do you wash 
yours, take it to a car wash or have it 
detailed? 

STILLER: I made the mistake of taking 
mine to this car wash in Los Angeles, 
which I guess is like a big gay hustler 
pickup type of place. You have to wait 20 
minutes for the car to go through and I 
had nowhere to go. 1 got trapped there 
for a while. Don't get me wrong, Im 
open to all—it's just not my bag. I care 
enough to get the car washed, but 1 
just don't think TII do it at that place 


anymore. 


CAPOTE’S FINAL CUT 


true to his word, the tiny terror lived to dish 


Last year Hollywood released two movies based on Truman Capote's 
books “Other Voices, Other Rooms” and “The Grass Harp.” CBS did 
a two-part miniseries of “In Cold Blood” (which was originally made 
into а movie in 1967). CBS remade his “A Christmas Memory.” And 
Doubleday published an oral biography of Capote, edited by George 
Plimpton. The last person to interview Capote, who died in Los Ange- 
les on August 25, 1984, was PLAYBOY's Lawrence Grobel. Then, as 
always, Truman had the last word. 


My fame started when I was 16. Life magazine did an article 
about me, a prodigy writer, you know. From that point on it’s 
been a foregone conclusion. If you're a celebrity, you're a 
celebrity. That's the end of the question. You can't change 
that. Most people who become famous overnight find that 
they lose 80 percent of their friends. Your old friends just 
can't stand it for some reason. I had a lot of friends, and [after 
Other Voices, Other Rooms was published] I lost them overnight. 


During the ten years I went into and out of /n Cold Blood Y 
interviewed more than a hundred killers. There is one 
thing that 80 percent of them have in common: 
They have tattoos. There's something really the 
matter with most people who wear tattoos. I know 
from experience that there’s something terribly 
flawed about people who arc tattooed above the lit- 
tle something Johnny had done in the Navy, 
even though that's also a bad sign. For 
most people, tattoos аге a sign of some 
feeling of inferiority. People with tattoos 
are trying to establish some macho identi 
fication for themselves. 


All male actors have a disdain for 
their profession. Women actors 
have a totally different fecling. All 
the men I've ever known, profes- 
sional actors, have had a slight 
feeling that they're doing some- 
thing that isn’t exactly what they 
ought to be doing. They feel some 
guilt about it. It’s as though what they 
are doing isn’t masculine or somehow has 
effect on them that makes them rather bisexual — 
by nature. The only actors I've ever known who 
don't feel that way have been gay. Practically the 
entire English theater is made up of nothing but ex- 
traordinary, gifted, gay male actors. 


Barbra Streisand's great fault as a singer is that she takes 
every ballad and turns it into a three-act opera. She simply 
cannot leave a song alone. 


Gore Vidal has never written a novel that's readable, with 
the exception of Myra Breckinridge, which you can sort of 
thumb your way through. Gore has never written anything 
that anybody will remember ten ycars from its last paperback 
edition. See, Gore has never written a masterpiece. Even J.D. 
Salinger has written a masterpiece of a kind. Flannery O'Con- 
nor wrote a masterpiece or two. Hemingway did. Faulkner 
did. Scott Fitzgerald did. Norman Mailer never has. We could 
go on and on, but Vidal has not done the one essential thing: 
He has not written an unforgettable book or a book that was 


the turning point in his or anybody else's life. Without that, it 
doesn't matter how much he does or what he does. 


I’ve never liked Bob Dylan. I have always thought he was a 
fraud. He's certainly not this simpleminded little boy with 
these simple little lyrics. He's an opportunist with a sharp, 
career-minded knowing-where-he’s-going. He's also insin- 
cere. I never did understand why people like Bob Dylan. He 
can't sing. 

Mick Jagger is a bore. If you've seen Mick perform as often 
as I have, you come to have absolutely no feeling about him as 
a performer except, Isn’t it extraordinary that he has that 
much energy and is able to do the same thing over and over 
again with such precision? And there’s something about his 
total lack of improvisation, where he's pretending to be spon- 
tancous all the time, which is wearing. But he’s an extraordi- 
narily kecn, sharp businessman. The moment he walks off the 
stage he pulls a computer out of his pocket. 


I hate John Updike. Everything about him 
bores me. He's like mercury: You put a 
drop in your hand and you try to hold on 
It's running this way and that 
and you can't grab hold of it, you can't 
figure out what it's all about as it runs 
through your fingers. And he's so mannered. 
a thing as a style and th ‚uch 
t, I consider myself a stylist. 1 
consider him a mannered style, not a stylist, 
because it isn't even something that's his own. 
Everything is always twisted in a certain 
way. You can hear how hard vocabulary 
is working. You become so conscious 
of it that you absolutely lose contact 
with the story because of your aware- 
ness of how he’s twisting a-sentence, 
the unnaturalness of rhyme and 
rhythm toward this mannered thing 
of his which, to me, completely dead- 
ens his writing. 


The real difference between rich people 
and regular people is that the rich people 
serve such marvelous meats and vegeta- 
bles. Delicious little tiny vegetables. Little 
fresh-born things, scarcely out of the earth. Lit- 
tle baby corn, little baby peas and little lambs that have 
been ripped out of their mothers’ wombs. That's the real 
difference. All of their vegetables and their meats are so in- 
credibly fresh and unborn 


The Nobel Prize, to me, is a joke. They give it year after 
year to one absolutely nonexistent writer after another. The 
American writers they've given it to are beyond belief. Let's 
face it: They're really a very crummy little organization. 1 
mean, anybody that could have given the Nobel Prize to Pearl 
Buck ought to be examined by a mental institution. 


Greta Garbo had about four Picassos, and two of them, I'm 
absolutely certain, were upside down. 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


Bussa BUBBLE 


(continued from page 64) 
my slippers on gravel, I heard a rustling 
in the bushes beside me. 1 suppose I 
should have been frightened, but all I 
could think was, What now? Has Kasich 
come over with a new Grateful Dead bootleg? 

But the small figure that emerged 
from the underbrush was only Socks, 
carrying a dead rat. It’s too bad Newt 
hadn't brought majority whip Tom De- 
Lay with him. A guy who made his for- 
tune in the extermination business 
would have loved this. 

“Socks, are there any of those inside?" 
I asked. 

"You mean outstanding public ser- 
vants like Newt Gingrich? Yeah, there 
are plenty" 

“No, I mean rats," I said. 

“So do I,” Socks shot back. 


“I just have a hard time accepting that 
two men who seem like such opposites 
can get along so well.” 

“You think they're getting along well 
now, you should see them in a few hours 
when the girls arrive. It’s the world’s 
longest-running bachelor party. But 
come on, Arianna. What about you and 
Al Franken? Besides, it’s really not so 
surprising.” 

“I suppose you're right. By the way, 
Socks, if you're thinking of leaving that 
rat with me, thank you. But I have sev- 
eral already.” 

“Oh, it’s not for you.” His eyes shone 
in the dim light and he seemed to wink. 
“1 save these for Hillary. She's not exact- 
ly a cat person, so І try to bring her as 
many presents as I can.” 

And he was gone. 


“No thanks, I was harassed at work.” 


Netmail 
(continued from page 90) 
TO: Anon666 
FROM: Sopwith12 
Before anybody gets paid any- 
thing, I want to know what evidence 
you're talking about. 


‘Then I switched off the computer and 
went through the house, gathering my 
collection of pistols, rifles and shotguns. 
In my backyard I set up targets and shot 
away all afternoon until my ears rang, 
even through ear protection, and the 
forefinger on my right hand developed a 
blister. 

I ate grilled cheese-and-tuna sand- 
wiches over the kitchen sink and spent 
the evening in front of the fire, cleaning 
my guns. Usually the scent of gun oil 
and the precision of the cleaning proc 
calms me down and brings everything 
into soft focus, but not tonight. 


The next day I chopped more wood, 
set up a new bird feeder at the edge of 
the woods and changed the wiper blades 
оп my truck. But all day I kept glancing 
up at the office window on the second 
floor of the house, as if I half-expected to 
see a mailman there, waving at me. 

After washing my hands for the fourth 
time, I trudged upstairs and flipped on 
the computer, smiling wryly. Surfing the 
Net was usually my reward for a hard 
day of work, something to look forward 
to. My not-so-friendly correspondent 
had changed that. 

The icon popped up. Just for once, 
couldn't the programmers at Mycroft 
make that mailman a mailwoman? Just 
for a change? I double-clicked. 

My mailbox contained two pieces of 
mail. I called up the first, from Anon666. 
This one had a name, EVIDENCE, and it 
indicated that four files were attached to 
it. These were graphic files, with easy-to- 
understand instructions on how to view 
them, which I followed. The images 
scanned themselves into place on my 
computer screen. Each was a picture of 
young boys or girls, or both, involved in 
activities that would make the picture 
takers instantly eligible for ten to 15 
years in jail. I closed the files and trashed 
them, and then went out and washed 
my hands again. When I came back, I 
opened up the second message: 

то: Sopwith 12 

FROM: Anon666 

Now that you have viewed the ev- 
idence, here's the deal. Fifty thou- 
sand dollars or we let the infor- 
mation out that you're a collector 
and trader. You have 24 hours to 
respond. 


1 was smiling as I typed my reply: 


то: Anon666 
FROM: Sopwith 12 


Sorry, stupid. I have many faults, 
but activity involving children isn't 
one of them. Peddle your wares 
elsewhere, and while you're at it, 
piss off. 

1 whistled as I went downstairs. The 
idiot on the other end had undoubtedly 
screwed up the address. Sopwith21 or 
Sopwithll would be getting blackmail 
notes next. If so, he would get what he 
deserved. 

I decided to call Miriam. 


The postmistress and first selectwom- 
an of Pinette lay in bed with me, one foot 
idly tracing my leg. Her head was on my 
shoulder and the room smelled musky 
and warm, and she was gently interro- 
gating me. 

“We've known each other for a while, 
now, haven't we,” she murmured. 

“Uh-huh,” I said, staring up at the 
dark ceiling, my eyelids fluttering open 
and shut. 

“And all 1 know about you is that 
you're retired, you made some good in- 
vestments at a younger age and you're 
living off that.” 

“You've got a good memory.” 

I winced as she turned her foot and 
started scraping my leg with an un- 
trimmed toenail. “I want to know more.” 

“What?” I said in mock anger. “And 
take the mystery and romance out of our 
relationship?” 

She paused for a moment, then gig- 
gled and said, “I’m beginning to feel like 
one of those threatened women in dopey 
made-for-TV movies. You know, lonely 
woman falls in love with dashing strang- 
er, and by the fourth commercial she's 
being found in pieces in shallow graves 
in New Jersey.” 

“Do you feel threatened?” 

“Hmm,” she said, burrowing into my 
shoulder. “Not yet. But I would like to 
know more about you.” 

I stifled a sigh. Conversations like this 
inevitably end up losers. “OK. Tonight 
and for one night only. Ask three ques- 
tions and you get three answers. All 
right?” 

“Really?” 

“Yep, and to show you how fair I am, 
1 won't count that as a question. Go 
ahead.” 

1 could feel her body tense as she 
thought, and then she said, “Where are 
you from?” 

“Valparaiso, Indiana.” True. 

“Where did you work before you came 
to Maine?” 

“A company called Seylon Systems. It's 
now defunct.” Which was true, if the fact 
that its other founding members were 
now dead or in jail equaled defunction. 

“And what did you do there, for Sey- 
lon Systems?” 

"I solved problems." OK, that one was 


a stretch, but true enough. 

"What kind of problems?" 

I pulled the blanket over my chest. 
"Sorry, that's question four." 
astard," she said, grabbing my nose 
and yanking it back and forth. We wres- 
ed under the covers until we were both 
out of breath. I was resting on top of her 
when she said, "You know, I might go to 
Kyle Brewer one of these days." 

"And why would you be bothering the 
chief of police?" 

She slapped my ribs. "Maybe I'll have 
him do a trace on you and get the real 
skinny." 

I kissed her on the nose and said as 
gently as I could, “Miriam, please don't 
do that." 

Instant defensiveness. "Why not?" 
Her voice lowered. "Are you in trouble?" 

“Not at all," I said. “And I want to keep 
it that way." I wondered how this was go- 
ing to go and what she was going to say, 
and she surprised me by holding me 
light. 

“Then I'll stay quiet,” she said. 


. 
A few days later I started digging up 


ground to plant some corn, a rough and 
dirty job. After another over-the-sink 
meal and a long shower, I went up to the 
computer. 

You Have Mail. 

Tap-tap went my fingers on the key- 
board. Up popped a new message: 


то: Sopwith 12 

From: Anon666 

Insults get you nowhere. Results 
count. And here’s one result: We 
don't care what you say or claim. We 
get the money or this information 
goes public. This means you: Owen 
Р. Taylor, Rural Route 4, Pinette, 
Maine. You have 24 hours, or cop- 
ies of this information go to the lo- 
cal police, the state police and the 
newspapers. Feel like explaining 
this to them? 


The walls of the room seemed to close 
in about my shoulders, making me feel 
like I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. If 
Anon666 went through with his threat, 1 
could expect a search warrant or two to 
be executed at my little house. Then 
questions would be asked, and re-asked, 
and after that . . . well, 1 wouldn't have to 
worry about my freshly planted corn 
crop. The raccoons or woodchucks 
would get it. Not me. 

1 typed my reply: 

то: Anon666 


кком: Sopwith 12 
De: 


Then I shut off my computer and pro- 
ceeded to get drunk. 


‘The next day I went down to the cel- 
lar, clicking on humming fluorescent 


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146 


lights. The workbench filled with tools 
and odd bits of junk stood in one corner 
next to a pile of cardboard boxes and 
a pegboard holding hammers, screw- 
drivers and an awl. I inserted the awl in- 
to two of the peg holes and moved the 
board on well-oiled hinges to uncover a 
safe in the concrete wall. 1 unlocked it 
and reached inside, past souvenirs and 
odds and ends. I pulled out bands of 
money, fifties and hundreds. Mad mon- 
су, 50 to speak. 

I counted and separated the bills, put 
them back and went upstairs. My com- 
puter sentinel was cheerful as ever. To- 
day’s message was: 

To: Sopwith 12 

FROM: Anon666 

Glad to see you come to your 
senses. The deal is $50,000 and no 
more messages from us. Wire the 
money to the Grand Breeze Bank 
of the Cayman Islands, to account 
number 448-2036. Get it there with- 
in 48 hours or the mailing begins. 


I rubbed at my jaw and sent the reply 
with a slap to the keyboard: 


то: Anon666 

FROM: Sopwith12 

No deal. Payment will be in cash. 
Wire transfers leave records. And 1 
want a face-to-face handoff, in pub- 


lic. I'm not leaving $50,000 оп a 
park bench or in a bus terminal 
locker. That's my offer, and it’s not 
negotiable. 


I stayed online for a while, digging 
around in the computers of the Depart- 
ment of the Interior, and was surprised 
when a chime went off. 

You Have Mail. 

Damn. Anon666 must have been sit- 
ting at his computer, waiting for a reply. 
What an eager fellow. 


то: Sopwith12 

FROM: Anon666 

Do you think we're your local 
bank, that you can negotiate with 
us? The original deal stands. A wire 
transfer within 48 hours or we go 
public. 
My reply was just as quick: 

то: Anon666 

FROM: Sopwith 12 

Nope. It’s my deal or you don’t 
get your $50,000. If you go ahead 
with your threat, you don't get your 
money, and I show people copies of 
the e-mail messages you've been 
sending and explain how I've been 
set up. Inconvenient but bearable. 
And ГЇЇ be $50,000 richer. My deal, 
or publish and be damned. 


"It's the special counsel appointed by the Justice Department to 
investigate your philandering." 


І went into town to have lunch with 
the postmistress. I dropped off a few en- 
velopes, which included money orders 
to the local Girl Scout and Boy Scout 
troops, as well as to a convent of nuns up. 
the road who were having problems with 
a leaky roof. The money orders were 
signed Mark Twain. 

When I got back that night, 1 had an 


answer. 


то: Sopwith12 

FROM: Anon666 

Deal. Be at the park bench near 
the subway entrance at Harvard 
Square in Cambridge at nine АМ. 
this Saturday. Have the money in a 
red toolbox, a small one that looks 
like a tackle box. And no tricks! My 
associates will be watching, and if 
something goes wrong, the pictures 
go ош. 


My reply was quick and to the point: 
See you there. 

Then I went downstairs and got 
to work. 


Saturday morning about four A.M., I 
swung out of bed and got dressed in the 
dark, shivering from the cold. The next 
several hours were going to be challeng- 
ing, but not so challenging as they would 
be were Anon666 farther away. If he 
were in New York City or Dallas or Los 
Angeles, the risk would have been 
greater. 

In my cold, dark kitchen I picked up 
the toolbox and went out to the rear 
porch. I waited in the night, listening to 
the crickets. A half-moon illuminated the 
backyard. My truck was parked off to the 
side by the barn. I wondered if my 
watchers were still, invisibly, on the job, 
and hoped I wouldn't find out, Near the 
porch door I picked up a knapsack and 
slung it over my back. Something inside 
gurgled as I adjusted the straps. I went 
outside through the porch door and 
right past the truck, keeping the barn 
between me and the front yard, and 
then I was into the dark of the woods. 

I started to jog along a path 1 had 
carefully cut through these woods. 
Though it was dark, I had placed at eye 
level little glowing dots that marked the 
trail. The knapsack bounced on my back 
and I heard a flurry of wings as I dis- 
turbed something in my path. After 
about 20 minutes I emerged onto a 
swampy bit of land that opened up to a 
well-lit parking lot and row upon row of 
cars—Powell's Motors, in Fyfield, the 
next town over from Ріпсис. I knelt 
down and undid my pack. From the 
pack I took out a car battery, a small 
can of gasoline, a set of Maine license 
plates and a hot-wiring kit. In another 


15 minutes I was on the road, heading 
south, the rising sun at my left shoulder. 


Harvard Square, Cambridge. Noisy, 
with lots of cars. Downtown Pinette 
doesn't even have a traffic light. I sat on 
a park bench near the entrance to the 
subway (they call it the T) and waited, 
the toolbox in my lap. I had on a Red 
Sox baseball cap, jeans and a bright red 
windbreaker. Colorful. A trio of musi- 
cians was playing for spare change near 
the Т entrance—trumpet, violin and 
guitar doing something awful to Mozart. 
I looked at faces, wondering which be- 
longed to the man—could it be a wom- 
an?—who had been torturing my life. 

Then I knew. A man came up to me, 
grinning widely. He wore khaki slacks, 
heavy boots and an Army jacket. His 
beard was about three steps beyond 
stubble and his hair was long. He looked 
like the kind of guy who puts his hair in 
a ponytail on dates. He sat down next to 
me and said, “Well,” in a cheerful voice. 

“Excuse me?” 

He looked straight ahead, still smiling. 
“Glad to see you're on time. I take it the 

"s in the toolbox?” 


“So, why don't you hand it over and 
we can both be on our ways?" 

I rubbed along the metal edges of the 
toolbox. "You'll get it, but I want some 
questions answered." 

“Huh,” he said. “Not part of the deal." 

"No, but it's the deal that's here. Some 
questions and answers, and then you'll 
get the box." 

He shrugged. "Why the hell not. Fire 
away.” 

“I take it you're Anon666." 

He smiled again. “The same. But why 
don't you call me . . . Tom, for now.” 

“All right, Tom it is.” I shifted so I 
could look at him better. “This was all a 
scam, right? You probably sent out hun- 
dreds, maybe thousands, of those mes- 
sages by electronic mail, trying to get a 
nibble. Right?” 

He winked. “That would be giving up 
trade secrets, now, wouldn't it?” 

“But that’s what happened, right? 
You're skilled in computers and you saw 
an opportunity. Send out untraceable 
threats to thousands of addresses and 
hope that someone who is feeling guilty 
or who likes privacy will pay up. Right?” 

No answer, just a smirk. I went on. 
“So, why did you do it? Running low on 
funds?” 

He laughed and put his hands in his 
jacket. “I did it because I could, that's 
why. There are kids out there, two or 
three years out of college, who work at 
companies designing software. When 
the companies go public, the kids are 
millionaires before they're 30. Can you 
believe that? Ready to retire.” 

He was still smiling but there was an 
edge to his voice. “I've worked 80 to 90 


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148 


hours a week, in three start-up compa- 
nies, and all three have gone bust. I’ve 
got enough stock options to paper a 
room with. So I saw a way of using my 
skills to make some extra income. New 
skills are taking over society, and I'm 
pleased to be able to use them. Now, 
that's enough chitchat. Open that box, 
just a crack, so I can see the money.” 

I lifted the lid and angled the toolbox 
around so that the bundles of $100 bills 
were visible, and his grin got even wider. 
“Nice, very nice,” he said. “How about 
handing it over?” 

I closed the lid, snapped it shut and 
said, “One more question and it’s all 
yours.” 

The smile started to fade. “Make it 
quick.” 

“You married, Tom? You got kids, 
maybe live with a girlfriend?” 

He held out a hand. “I’m all by my 
lonesome, but that will probably change 
next week. Say, at Club Med?” 

Another laugh and I passed him the 
toolbox. I said, “It's all yours.” 

He grabbed it and headed to the sub- 
way entrance without looking back. 

I waited a few seconds, ditched the cap 
and windbreaker and followed. 


He lived one stop away, near Porter 
Square. Shadowing him was almost too 
easy. He was focused on the toolbox with 
that delighted smirk on his face. I kept 
him in view from an adjoining car and 
trailed him when he got off in а residen- 
tial area with big Victorian houses that 
had been divided into apartments. I 
winked at a couple of kids scurrying by 
on bicycles. 


He bounded up the front steps of a 
large white house and let himself in with 
a key. I waited up the street a bit, leaning 
against an oak tree. Cars were parked up 
and down both sides of the roadway. I 
stood there, hands tucked into my pants 
pockets, thinking of Tom and that little 
phrase he had used. 

What was it? Something about new 
skills taking over society and his being 
pleased to have them. Yeah. 


Even though I was expecting it, the 
explosion on the upper floor of the old 
Victorian made me jump. 

Both windows blew out to the street 
with a rocketing blast that echoed a few 
times. Even a part of the roof, black shin- 
gles flying, was peeled away by the force. 
A ball of flame and smoke roared up 
through the roof, car alarms started 
blaring and there were screams from 
people running on the sidewalk as pieces 
of wood and glass fell to the street and 
bounced off car roofs. 

I smiled and walked away. There's 
something to be said for old skills, too. 


. 
That night, safely back in Pinette, I 


was in Miriam's arms when she said, 
"What is it with you? You've been grin- 
ning ever since you got here." 

"I'm a happy guy, that's what.” 

“Happy about what?" she asked, rub- 
bing slow circles on my back. 

*Happy that I took care of a job to- 
day, one that's been bothering me for a 
while." 

Her hands pressed deeper. "And what 
was the job?" 


“T love you, Richard, and I want to have a baby with you, 
but that's where I draw the line." 


"Hmm," I murmured, burrowing un- 
derneath the blankets. "It's a secret." 

"What?" she said, with mock dismay. 
"And you can't tell me?" 

“Well, I could . .." I said, letting my 
voice trail off. 

"And why not?" 

I tickled her ribs and she jumped. 
“Because if I told you, then Id have to 
kill you." 

She giggled and gently tapped my 
face. "Some joke." 

1 kissed her. Some joke. 


"Three days later FBI agents knocked 
оп my door. I had just finished washing 
the kitchen floor when I heard their 
strong тар-тар on the screen door to the 
porch. I went out, wiping my hands on а 
towel, and there were two of them, in 
dark-blue business suits, holding up. 
their badges. 

"Federal Bureau of Investigation, Mr. 
"Taylor," the older one said. "I'm Special 
Agent Cameron, and this is Special 
Agent Fierce. Mind if we come in?" 

"Not at all," I said, and they walked in 
with me. "Sorry about the floor, guys. I 
just washed и.” 

Agent Cameron's hair was thinning on 
the sides and graying, and the younger 
one, Agent Pierce, wore his black hair in 
a crewcut. I understand they're coming 
back into fashion. 

"Can I get you guys anything to 
drink? Water? Soda?" 

"Fhey both shook their heads and the 
older agent said, “Do you mind if I get to 
work, Mr. Taylor?" 

"Not at all," I said, sitting down at the 
kitchen table with that day's Portland 
Press Herald. Agent Cameron left the 
kitchen and I heard him go upstairs as 
the younger agent sat across from me. I 
spread open the newspaper and said, 
“How do you think the Red Sox will do 
this year?” 

No reply. I looked up to see him star- 
ing at me with disgust. 

“Have I said something that offended 
you, Agent Pierce?” 

“You and what you've done are offen- 
sive, Taylor,” he said. His hands were 
placed on the table in front of him, and 
his fingers were thick and stubby. 

“all done in the service of my coun- 
try, or so I was told,” I said as I turned 
a page. 

“Don't tell me you still believe that,” 
Agent Pierce said, nearly spitting out 
the words. 

“Why noU" I asked. 

Agent Cameron came back into the 
kitchen. "Upstairs is all in order. You 
still have the agreed-upon number of 
firearms?" 

“Ido” 

"If you don't mind, I'll go down to the 
cellar." 


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“Be my guest.” 

Agent Pierce and 1 glared at each oth- 
er, then 1 went back to my newspaper. 
Agent Cameron came back twice, to an- 
nounce searches of the barn and my 
pickup. A few minutes after that he and 
Agent Pierce stood in my kitchen, and 
the older agent said, “Everything ap- 
pears to be in order. No violations. No 
evidence that you've left town, And how 
is life in this little town treating you, 
Taylor?” 

‘There were a lot of possible answers to 
that question, and I chose one that 
seemed pretty neutral. “I’m getting used 
to it." 

For the first time, I saw Agent Cam- 
eron smile. “Just be glad we didn't place 
you in upper Alaska or the Texas pan- 
handle. At least the weather here is rela- 
tively moderate.” 

I smiled back. “Ain't it the truth.” 

As they turned to leave Agent Cam- 
eron stopped and said something that 
made my knees lock: “Oh, if you have a 
moment, there is a matter we'd like to 
discuss with you. It concerns a bombing 
death in Cambridge.” 

“Oh?” 

The younger agent said, 
heard about it?” 

“Something in the paper yesterday. 
Some computer worker, Right?” 

“Very right,” Agent Cameron said. “A 
powerful blast. It was fortunate that the 
other two apartments in the building 
were empty at the time. The explosion 
made identifying the body . . . extremely 
challenging. We'd like to talk to you 
about it.” 

I clasped my hands behind my back, 
ensuring that they wouldn't shake. “Go 
right ahead.” 

Agent Pierce frowned. “Not here, Tay- 
lor. Down in Cambridge.” 

“Excuse me?” 

Agent Cameron said, “We'd like your 
expertise. Look over the scene, check 
out the few fragments we found. Maybe 
you could offer us a few leads.” 

The kitchen floor seemed to sag be- 
neath my feet. “Do I have to?" 

Agent Cameron shrugged. “Consider 
ita favor.” 

I made a show of looking around my 
house, “Well, gentlemen, 1 did a favor 
for you folks some years ago that ended 
up with me being exiled to a town that 
doesn't even have a bookstore. I’m 
afraid my favor quotient is used up.” 

Agent Pierce glared some more and 
Agent Cameron merely shrugged. They 
left and drove away, and though I felt 
like dancing around the house with glee, 
I kept still. 

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SCOTT ADAMS 


(continued from page 60) 
shaking vigorously, dooms the entire 
planet to annihilation.” 

PLAYBOY: Do you like Matt Groening's 
cartoon work? 

ADAMS: Life in Hell is great. I'm a huge 
Simpsons fan, though that's more of a 
group effort. Cartoonists like Matt 
Groening proved that you don’t need 
great drawing skills to be a cartoonist. 
Thank God for that. | believe it was Gar- 
ry Trudeau who said that he helped 
make the world safe for bad artists. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of Trudeau’s 
Doonesbury? 

ADAMS: I love it. He’s probably done the 
best job of changing a strip to keep it 
fresh over time. He's a model of how to 
stay in the business a long time and still 
be relevant. 

PLAYBOY: On television, do you like Mike 
Judge's cartoons King of the Hill and 
Beavis and Butt-head? 

ADAMS: Yes, though 1 can't do big doses 
of Beavis and Butt-head. 1 don't think it's 
safe for anybody to do that. More than 
20 minutes would not be good for your 
mental health. 

PLAYBOY: As a child, did you know you 
were funny? 

ADAMS: 1 was always screamingly funny 
to a very small percentage of the general 
population. 

PLAYBOY: When did Dilbert come to life? 
ADAMS: When 1 worked at the bank. 
Originally, he was a composite of my 
co-workers. Dilbert is some part of my 
own personality and some combination 
of people who had better jobs than I did, 
the technical people, the engineers. 
There is one person who doesn’t know 
that he was actually the body model for 
Dilbert, which I think is funny. 

PLAYBOY: Why don't you tell him? 
ADAMS: Well, he probably wouldn't be 
flattered. 

PLAYBOY: How does a doodle become the 
one you continue to develop? 

ADAMS: That's a question that makes you 
wonder if there is such a thing as fate. 1 
don't know the answer. Dilbert emerged. 
over time. The most fateful moment was 


when 1 was drawing him as a doodle and 
realized he needed a name. I was at Pa- 
cific Bell at that point. I drew him on my 
whiteboard in my cubicle and had a 
name-the-nerd contest. One of my boss- 
es came by and wrote “Dilbert.” It was 
one of those moments of total clarity. I 
was completely certain not that I was 
naming him but that Dilbert was in fact 
his name. 

PLAYBOY: How much of Dilbert's person- 
ality and history are actually yours? 
ADAMS: If you include my entire past— 
my dating and work histories—he is may- 
be 65 percent me and the rest other 
people. 

PLAYBOY: What are the qualities you and 
he share? 

ADAMS: He has a good attitude but cir- 
cumstances have put him in a bad place. 
He's an optimistic guy despite the fact 
that everything around him is really not 
that good. He is this little spot of nor- 
malcy among the absurdities. 1 have the 
same love of technology for the sake of 
technology that he has. I share very 
much his lack of understanding about 
how female creatures operate. 

PLAYBOY: Have you done better than Dil- 
bert in that area? 

ADAMS: I've had a long-term-girlfriend 
relationship for eight years. That's way 
better than Dilbert, whose best was 20 
minutes. 

PLAYBOY: Do Dilbert's romantic misad- 
ventures come from your history? 
ADAMS: Yes, from the period between 16 
and 32. It wasn't always smooth and 
easy. 

PLAYBOY: And how about Dilbert's work 
ethic? 

ADAMS: 1 work hard. I'm pretty much a 
workaholic. 

PLAYBOY: How good are you at balancing 
your work and home lives? 

ADAMS: I don't have kids, so everything is 
easier to balance. My girlfriend, Pam, is 
as much a workaholic as 1 am. We both 
work late and have dinner around nine 
o'clock. We will go to any place that's 
still open. We have amazingly compati- 
ble lifestyles in terms of how we spend 
our time. 

PLAYBOY: Do your readers complain that 
their work seems to have infiltrated the 


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“Our time’s up for today. Just give my nurse some 
table scraps on your way out.” 


rest of their lives? 

ADAMS: I'm hearing that a lot, particular- 
ly from people with electronic leashes— 
pagers and cell phones. When people 
are hired these days, sometimes they are 
told that it’s a 24-hour-a-day job. They 
will be paged at four AM. to go fix the 
computer system or even for much less 
important things. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have those leashes? A 
pager? 

ADAMS: My pager goes off only if some- 
body hits the URGENT button on my voice 
mail, and even then I routinely ignore 
it. Experience has shown that it’s never 
urgent. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a different code 
for a genuine emergency? 

ADAMS: For real urgent? No. I don't have 
a special blood type—even if someone is 
in a really bad accident, they are going 
to be just as alive or dead by the time I 
get there. 

Nonstop work can suck your reasons 
for being alive right out of you. Things 
like having a personal life and being with 
your family and raising kids and having 
sex go out the door. People are dying 
inside. 

PLAYBOY: But not you? 

ADAMS: I love my work. I'm not working 
for someone else. I don't have a boss 
1 hate. 

PLAYBOY: Is it any worse when bosses 
make crazy salaries while their compa- 
nies are losing money and even laying 
off employees? 

ADAMS: People have become almost im- 
mune to that sort of thing. People are far 
more prickly about stuff they live with 
day to day. I just did a strip about a com- 
pany canceling its casual Friday because 
it had designated a different day that 
week Hawaiian-shirt day. Somebody ac- 
tually took the trouble to cancel casual 
Friday. Lord knows what's going to hap- 
pen to your stock if you have two casual 
days in one week. That's the kind of 
thing people obsess over. When it comes 
to the huge money bosses make, at some 
level people are saying to themselves, 1 
wish I were getting all that money. The 
griping seems like sour grapes. I've nev- 
er heard anyone say, “Man, if I were 
Michael Ovitz, I would have given that 
money back.” That’s not to say that 1 
don't go after that particular theme a lot. 
In fact, I recently had Dogbert taking 
over the company, downsizing and tak- 
ing massive stock options. I heard indi- 
rectly that [Sunbeam's chairman] Al 
Dunlap wasn't happy with that series. 
Dogbert got the nickname “Buzzsaw” 
Dogbert. Al “Chainsaw” Dunlap appar- 
ently experienced a day when many 
people were cutting out that cartoonand 
showing it to him. It didn't please him. 
PLAYBOY: Was the connection innocent? 
ADAMS: A chain saw and a buzz saw are 
entirely different tools. 

PLAYBOY: In general, the politics in Dil- 
bert are subtle compared with those in 


Doonesbury. Do you ally yourself more 
with the Democratic or the Republican 
agenda? 

ADAMS: I find myself in a strange situa- 
tion that doesn't really relate to any- 
thing. Unlike many people, 1 feel no 
need to sugarcoat my opinions. I'm in 
favor of the death penalty. I'm in favor of 
abortion. I’m in favor of euthanasia. In 
in favor of a strong military defense. 
What do all these things have in com- 
mon? I'm basically in favor of killing. 
PLAYBOY: Have you thought of running 
for office on that platform? 

ADAMS: I know that it wouldn't get me 
very far. I could try to put a good spin on 
it and say I'm pro-choice and pro-strong 
defense. People should have dignity in 
death. We should 
have deterrents to 
crimc. But it all kind 
of falls into one bas- 
ket when you simplify 
it. No, you don't see 
anybody running on 
that sort of platform. 
PLAYBOY: Although Dil- 
bert isn't overtly polit- 
ical, is it gratifying 
that you're not mere- 
ly entertaining peo- 
ple? That you are 


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and Hobbes, since it was rectangular. In 
the world of cartooning, that makes 
quite a big difference. The Far Side was а 
single panel. To fill those spaces most 
editors conducted polls. They offered 
three comics and asked readers which 
one they wanted. Since I was on the In- 
ternet, people all over the country had 
already seen me. They hadn't seen the 
other strips. I won 100 percent of those 
polls. Most people said the Internet 
would kill newspapers; the Internet is 
what put me in newspapers. 

PLAYBOY: Did you always hope to write 
books? 

ADAMS: No, I didn't. I just had hundreds 
of people writing to me and telling me 
that I should. Then The Wall Street Jour- 


they said, "It's number one.” Everything 
was different. 

PLAYBOY: Internally or externally? 
ADAMS: It's only internal. 1 don't know 
that the world treats me any differently. 
It's something that happened that no 
one can ever take away. 

PLAYBOY: Was it a big thing for you when 
you no longer had to worry so much 
about moncy? 

ADAMS: No, and I was disappointed that 
it wasn't. I was never one who worried 
that I wouldn't be able to eat. Nor have I 
had high requirements for physical com- 
fort, though I do love my pool table. But 
life really isn't much different with or 
without money. I have always had this 
low-level anxiety over what would hap- 
pen if 1 were to lose 


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that hasn't changed. I 
can run the numbers 
and see that the odds 
of my being poor are 
vanishingly small, but 
that doesn't change 
the background wor- 
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be poor tomorrow. 

PLAYBOY: Besides your 
pool table, do you 
have other sorts of 


providing something 
meaningful that re- 
flects their lives? 

ADAMS: I would like to 
say that I set out to do 
a good thing and it 
worked out. But I re- 
ally sat down just to 
draw cartoons and 
make a buck. It will 
never vary from that 


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ADAMS: The freedom 
to be stupid. That's 
the best way I can ex- 
plain it. For example, 
I'm driving to the 
store and I need a 
lightbulb. But I for- 
got to check what 
kind of lightbulb I 
need. Before, I had 


simple objective. But 
if it helps people, 1 
like that. 

PLAYBOY: How impor- 
tant has the Internet 
been to the success of 
Dilbert? 

ADAMS: Probably the 
difference between 
being in 300 and 1700 
newspapers. At first it 
allowed me to have a really small core 
audience. The people who lived and 
breathed the Internet saw that there’s a 
character who lives in that world too. 
Secondly, it allowed me to put my e-mail 
address on the strip, which allowed peo- 
ple to write and tell me what they liked 
and didn't like. They wanted more busi- 
ness strips, but I didn’t know that and 
was doing a lot of nonbusiness stuff. So I 
changed, and that change alone proba- 
bly would have brought the strip to sev- 
eral hundred newspapers. Then, Wat- 
terson and Larson, two of the best 
cartoonists in the world, retired unex- 
pectedly, which opened up a bunch of 
spaces in newspapers. The key space for 
me was the one that was left by Calvin 


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nal ran an article I wrote called "The Dil- 
bert Principle," which later became a 
chapter in the book ofthe same name. I 
got a call from clever editors at Harper 
Collins. And I have to say that probably 
one of the two or three highest points of 
my life was when The Dilbert Principle hit 
number one on the New York Times list. It 
had been languishing at number two for 
a long time. I think Dennis Rod- 
man's book was number one. If you're 
two for long enough you won't make it to 
number one. I had convinced myself 
that the difference between being num- 
ber two and number one is really just 
one spot. Boy, was I wrong. I really had 
no idea how much impact it would have 
the day I received the phone call and 


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to drive home and 
make another trip. 
Now I can be stupid 
and buy most of the 
lightbulbs in the store 
and throw away the 
ones that 1 don't 
need. There is no way 
you can define that as 
anything but stupid. 
Now I have the ability 
to buy abit of stupidity and be totally im- 
mune to its impact, 

PLAYBOY: Do you take vacations? 

ADAMS: I don't. I could take a vacation 
if I wanted to, but I just don't. I quick- 
ly get restless. I always feel like I'm bat- 
tling mortality. I don't take vacations 
because I have too much to do. There 
are a certain number of things I have 
to finish, and there is something really 
big ahead. 

PLAYBOY: Bigger than Dilbert? 

ADAMS: Bigger. | feel like I've got to hur- 
ry or I won't get there. It's a useful feel- 
ing, because it keeps me waking up in 


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152 


CHAMPAGNE (continue ron page 83) 


Expect to pay $15 to $25 for a nonvintage bubbly. 
Save your good stuff for the millennium. 


ounce of cognac, Grand Marnier or 
Cointreau has become a common prac- 
tice. The Bellini, made with champagne 
and white peach puree, is also a classic. 
But in the Nineties, when new, diverse 
products such as lemon rum, vanilla 
vodka, jalapeno tequila and citrus gin 
present a wide variety of unusual ingre- 
dients, professional bartenders and 
amateur mixologists are creating their 
own sparkling versions of the cham- 
pagne cocktail. 


POP GOES THE CORK 


Because a champagne cocktail calls for 
sugar, bitters and often another liquor, 
you shouldn’t use the most expensive 
champagne. Expect to pay $15 to $25 
for a nonvintage bottle of bubbly. The 
extra ingredients in the cocktail will 
mask the finer points of an expensive 
wine anyway, so save that for a worthy 
occasion—such as the millennium itself. 

The glass you choose is also impor- 
tant. Although you may be tempted to 
opt for a champagne saucer (the shape 
of which is said to have been modeled af- 
ter Marie Antoinette's left breast), we 


recommend a chilled tulip or flute style. 
Both of these glasses retain the carbona- 
tion in the bubbly and concentrate the 
cocktail's nose rather than dissipate it 
over a broad surface. 

Raise your glass to the following 
drinks and the establishments that made 
them famous. 


ARABESQUE 
(LÀ GRIGLIA, HOUSTON) 


5 crushed strawberries 

1 ounce Absolut Citron vodka 

% ounce Campari 

1 ounce champagne 

Put 1 cup of ice in a blender and add 
strawberries, vodka, Campari and most 
of the champagne. Blend well. Pour into 
a champagne flute; top with remaining 
splash of champagne. 


P&-P'S BELLINI 
(PUCCINI & PINETTI, SAN FRANCISCO) 


1% ounces Stolichnaya flavored vodka 

4 ounces champagne 

Fill a champagne flute with cham- 
pagne. Тор it off with peach, strawberry. 
or raspberry Stolichnaya. 


“For another $25, how about a souvenir videotape of 
your performance?” 


DIAMOND CHAMPAGNE COCKTAIL 
(RAINBOW ROOM, NEW YORK) 


1 skewer of crystallized sugar 

Angostura bitters 

Champagne 

Orange liqueur 

Soak skewer of sugar in Angostura bit- 
ters until saturated; place in a cham- 
pagne flute. Nearly fill flute with cham- 
pagne. Float orange liqueur on top. 


FALLEN АМА 
(DROVERS TAP ROOM, NEW YORK) 


1 ounce Bacardi Limón rum 

Splash of triple sec 

Splash of cranberry juice 

Champagne 

In a shaker half-filled with ice, com- 
bine rum, triple sec and cranberry juice. 
Shake and strain into a chilled martini 
glass. Top with champagne; garnish with 
a twist of lemon. 


TULIO ORO 
(TULIO, SEATTLE) 


1 lemon twist 

% ounce Limoncello 

% ounce Punt e Mes 

6 ounces Prosecco (a sweet Italian 

sparkling wine) 

1 candied lemon wheel 

In a shaker half-filled with ice, com- 
bine lemon twist, Limoncello and Punt е 
Mes. Shake and strain into a champagne 
flute. Add the Prosecco; garnish with 
lemon wheel. 


‘TBILISI ROYALE, 
(FIREBIRD RUSSIAN RESTAURANT, 
NEW YORK) 

% ounce Stolichnaya Limonnaya vodka 

K ounce peach schnapps 

Champagne 

1 orange twist 

1 maraschino cherry, skewered onto a 

stirrer 

Pour vodka and schnapps into a cham- 
pagne flute; top with champagne and 
garnish with orange twist and cherry. 


(CHAMPAGNE HASSLER 
(OSTERIA DEL CIRCO, NEW YORK) 


‘There are no exact measurements for 
this drink, which was named for the 
Hassler Hotel in Rome. Cut a passion 
fruit in half and, in front of your com- 
panion, squeeze the juice of one half in- 
toa flute. Top with champagne. 


CHAMPAGNE MEDICATO 
(LE CIRQUE 2000, NEW YORK) 


This four-star restaurant notes that 
this drink can be made with a number of 
secondary ingredients. Medicato means 
“medicated” in Italian, and the drink 
calls for a glass of champagne that has 
been strengthened with a drop of a sec- 
ondary ingredient. Le Cirque 2000 sug- 
gests Campari, but in France, Chambord 
would be the medicine of choice. 


ө 
tigen at play 

(continued from page 80) 
row. In 1994 he started his run as an am- 
ateur, winning the U.S. Amateur a rec- 
ord three years straight. 

Since turning pro in 1996 at the age of 
20, Tiger has won six times on the PGA 
Tour. Most impressive was his Masters 
victory, which he won in record form by 
12 shots, making him the youngest win- 
ner ever. Tiger's aggressive style worked 
perfectly at Augusta National. He un- 
leashed his driver off the tee, hitting the 
ball so far that fairway bunkers, such as 
the one down the right side of hole num- 
ber one and the one down the left of 
number 18, never came into play. Ti- 
ger's drives were so long he was able 
to hit soft, short irons to the flags. His 
competitors were forced to play longer 
shots onto the slick greens. Water and 
sand guarding par-five holes posed no 
threat to Tiger. He didn’t need to be fo- 
cused. Aggression off the tee and genius 
on the green paved the way to victory. 
These advantages are what prompted 
Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer to pre- 
dict that Tiger will win more green jack- 
сіз than their total of ten combined. 

After Tiger’s 1997 Augusta win, the 
golfing publicand press looked to him to 
win the remaining three majors: the 
U.S. Open, British Open and PGA 
championship. Tigermania had swal- 


lowed the golf world, but the more he 
played on more penal courses, the hard- 
er things got. Courses such as Congres- 
sional, Royal Troon and Winged Foot, 
where the other majors were played in 
1997, ate him for lunch. They demand 
accuracy off the tee. It doesn't matter if 
you hit the ball 350 yards. If the ball 
comes to rest in six-inch-long rough, the 
chance of making par is slim. 


Finishing no better than 19th in any of 


the remaining majors, Tiger admitted 
that he “got beat up” and realized for the 
first time that pure aggression—playing 
the driver off nearly every tee and firing 
at the flagsticks from the woods and 
rough—is not the formula for winning 
the other major championships. Look- 
ing in the mirror, Tiger soon realized 
that the coveted majors are much differ- 
ent from the match-play competitions 
he was nurtured by while an amateur. 
When you score two double bogies in a 
row during a major stroke-play champi- 
onship, you have to score four birdies 
just to get back to even par. And par 
won't cut it. In fact, shooting even par in 
a regular PGA Tour event doesn't earn 
you enough money to pay for lunch. 
‘Tiger finished at the top of the money 
list in 1997, becoming the first player to 
win $2 „ during the sec- 
ond half of the year he played mediocre 
golf. Like all of us who play this crazy 
game, Tiger faced one fact: To shoot the 


lowest possible score and play winning 
golf, you must sometimes keep the id at 
bay and let the ego enter the game. You 
must be disciplined enough to play an 
iron or fairway wood off the tee on a nar- 
row hole, disciplined enough to lay up in 
front ofa water hazard if you know it will 
take your best shot to carry it, disciplined 
enough to play for the fat of the green 
when aiming ata sucker pin is foolhardy. 
You must know when to go and when to 
go slow. 

All of us can relate to Tiger's inner 
struggles on and off the course. Every 
golfer has experienced the frustration of 
hitting the ball great on the practice tee, 
then poorly out on the course. That's no 
different from having a speech down 
cold, then choking at the podium. The 
only difference between life and golf is 
that on the course there's no dog to kick. 
But as Tiger is finding out, what matters 
most is getting through the day, knowing 
you have given the game your best—and 
best thought-out— shot. 

Chances are, when the 1998 Masters is 
over, Tiger will wear another green jack- 
et. However, Tiger’s new maturity will 
allow him to win some or all of the other 
three majors. Then the question will be 
whether or not Tiger can remain total- 
ly focused on the game that he has 
changed from its swing to its soul. 


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т 
0 ony Memories (continued from page 112) 


“We were young women on the move, out there ex- 
ploring a new frontier. We were like sisters.” 


One reason I never went to parties or 
saw the other girls outside the Club was 
that he wouldn't let me out of his sight. 
So I finally left the Playboy Club and 
went to the Bahamas to work in a resort 
casino with a lot of other former Bun- 
nies. The Italian croupiers used to make 
pasta for us, and they'd fling the spa- 
ghetti against the wall to see if it was al 
dente. If it stuck, it was cooked enough. 
I thought that it was the most Euro- 
pean thing I had ever seen. And an 
English croupier who had records by 
some group called the Beatles told us, 
"They're bigger than Elvis—they're go- 
ing to take over the world!" I was fired 
shortly before the resort’s big grand 
opening because 1 wouldn't sleep with 
one of the owners. It was a Saturday 
night and all the cruise ships were com- 
ing in, but the other girls walked out in 
support of me. Everybody quit en masse. 

“I eventually found myself back in 
Manhattan, standing with two suitcases 
in front of Tiffany's on a Sunday morn- 
ing, not knowing what to do, Then I re- 
membered a Bunny Га worked with, 
and I called her. She and her boyfriend, 
Arnie, a great born-in-Brooklyn kind of 
guy, let me sleep on their couch until I 
could figure out what to do. I needed a 
Job, but I couldn't be a cocktail waitress 
again. Arnie looked in the New York Times 
ads and said, “Неге. You can be a house 
model for Christian Dior’ You had to be 
5/8" but I was 56/7, so I went in wearing 
high heels and got the job. Later, when I 
was modeling for Vogue in the Seventies, 
I was asked to be one of the speakers ata 
feminist rally held in front of the New 


= 


York Public Library. Gloria Steinem and 
Betty Friedan were there, and I was 
proud to have been asked. I stood in the 
crowd listening to the angry words, and 
it struck me that I was hearing nothing 
buta tirade blaming men for everything. 
I couldn't relate to all that hostility. I 
turned around and left. My idea ofbeing 
a feminist is making your own way in the 
world, being responsible for your deci- 
sions and taking care of yourself, not 
looking to a man to take care of you. 

“We were young women on the move, 
out there exploring a new frontier. We 
were like sisters learning together how 
to take charge of our own lives. We pro- 
tected one another. We were a rare 
bouquet.” 


SUSAN SULLIVAN 


“It was summertime, and I was work- 
ing in Manhattan as a showroom model 
to earn money for my junior year at Hof- 
stra University. The fashion houses al- 
ways took on extra girls to show the new 
fall lines, but I needed a part-time job 
when I went back to school too. It was 
then that I saw a full-page ad in The New 
York Times announcing Bunny jobs at the 
Playboy Club. The Playboy Club to me 
was about rLAvBov, which represented 
something illicit and erotic. I didn't read 
the magazine, but I found it sexy to look 
at when I would see it in some guy's 
apartment. I suppose it comes from my 
Irish Catholic background, but the taboo 
of sex was very erotic to me. The idea of 
working as a Bunny titillated the voy- 
euristic aspects of my nature. 1 never se- 
riously thought I would be hired, but I 


wo emp EE, 


"That must be the artist." 


decided to at least apply for the job. I 
wanted to see the Club, and I figured 
that would be the only way I ever would. 

“The fact that I was a Bunny was soon 
known on campus, and that became a 
big thing. I was already well established 
at Hofstra as an actress because 1 was in 
all the plays. Then a big picture of me in 
my Bunny outfit appeared in the school 
newspaper. I had been dating a very 
popular guy and we had broken up. I re- 
member him seeing the picture of me аз 
a Bunny and saying, ‘Oh my God, what's 
going on here?” 

“That pleased me. I was in school, do- 
ing something significant, yet I was also 
capable of doing this other thing on the 
side. I was pretty enough to doit. It gave 
me a bit of an edge. I never thought of 
myself as terribly pretty, so getting hired 
to be a Bunny served as confirmation 
that I was a sexy woman. 

“During Bunny training, it was re- 
peatedly emphasized that we couldn't 
date customers or meet a man anywhere 
near the Club. Well, a man sat down in 
my station, a Texan, and I said what I 
always said: ‘Hello, I'm Bunny Sue 
and I'm applying for a Fulbright. What 
would you like to drink?’ Well, this man 
became fascinated with me and wanted 
to help me get the Fulbright. He was in- 
tent on meeting outside the Club, and, 
of course, I told him that wasn't possible. 
He followed me on the train to Long 
Island, and when I got off at my stop, 
there he was. All he wanted to do was 
give me a set of books, Best American 
Plays, which I still have. 

“Many of the gals working at the Club 
were not necessarily beautiful. They 
were not the prettiest and didn't have 
the best bodies, but they were bright. 
"That quality seemed to be of greater im- 
portance to the Club. Initially a lot of the 
women selected were college students. 1 
remember meeting a lot of European 
girls there, and a good many highly mo- 
tivated women. 

“At the time I worked at the Club, be- 
ing a Bunny was not the main thrust of 
what was going on in my life. But when I 
look back at it, I'm glad I had the expe- 
rience, because it was just that—an expe- 
rience. So much of your life goes by with 
а sameness, but the experience of being 
a Bunny has a sharp, electric-blue kind 
of color. The same color as my costume.” 


POLLY MATZINGER 


“I was struck by one of the questions 
on the Bunny job application: “What do 
you feel yourself to be an expert іп?! 
Playboy used that information to select 
the most suitable Bunnies to do various 
promotions. I had never been asked that 
before, and it made me ponder what 1 
would be most qualified to talk about. 
My answer was dogs. Yes, I felt I was an 
expert on dogs. Many of the women 
were going to school, an amazing group. 
Bunnies weren't just pieces of flesh but 


interesting women who were able to talk 
to people. 

“I made the most moncy playing bil- 
liards as a Pool Bunny, earning 40 cents 
an hour and a dollar a game, with the 
first $17 going to the Club. If you play 
dozens of games a night at the same 
table night after night, you get pretty 
hard to beat. Then you make some crazy 
triple bank shot and everyone wants to 
play you because they think you couldn't 
possibly do it again. I was able to save a 
fair amount of money. 

“It was actually my waitressing work 
that led me into a career in science. 1 got 
to listen to a lot of great conversations. 
‘Two professors would come in and talk 
science. One day they were talking about 
animal mimicry—how one butterfly will 
mimic another butterfly, and how a 
good-tasting butterfly will mimic a bad- 
tasting butterfly to avoid being eaten by 
birds. 1 had studied biology and asked 
them a question that I had wondered 
about for years: ‘Why has no animal ev- 
er mimicked a skunk? A raccoon with 
a stripe down its back would have a 
selective advantage.’ Their mouths fell 
open—a cocktail waitress asking this sort 
of question? They didn’t know how to 
answer it. 

“One of the scientists launched a per- 
sonal campaign to persuade me to go to 
college and take up science. He con- 
vinced me it was something I could actu- 
ally do. Otherwise, I could have worked 
as a cocktail waitress forever because it 
was a job that never got boring. 

“In 1979, after getting my Ph.D. in bi- 
ology, I went to England to do a four- 
year postdoctorate at Cambridge funded 
by a National Institutes of Health over- 
seas fellowship, followed by a six-year 
fellowship at Hoffman-LaRoche in Swit- 
zerland. In 1989 I took up residence at 
the NIH and began to develop my theo- 
ry, ultimately named the Danger Model, 
which London's Daily Telegraph called 
‘potentially the most far-reaching devel- 
opment in immunology this century.” 


DEBORAH HARRY 


“I came from the sticks and wasn't at 
all sophisticated. 1 was born in Florida, 
but grew up in New Jersey. The Bunny 
job had an aura of glamour. I thought 
Га give it a try, figuring it might be in- 
teresting and fun, certainly lucrative. 1 
was quiet. I did my job and I kept my 
eyes wide open to everything. 

“Being a Bunny involved a rare com- 
bination for a woman in the workplace. 
It was an unusual perception of women 
as beautiful, feminine and very sexy, and 
at the same time ambitious and intelli- 
gent. At Playboy we women had a place 
where we could use those attributes to 
make money—and also be valued as em- 
ployees. Bunnies were the Playboy Club.” 


00 Whot da feminist 
leader Gloria 
Steinem, actress 
Louren Hution 

cond cuthar Kathryn Leigh Scott hove 

in common? They all started as Playboy 
Bunnies, those intrepid, satin-eored 
pioneers of the sexual revolution, You'll 
be swept back into 25 magical years of 
Playboy Clubs os you view provocative 
photos and read the intimate confessions 
ord backstage adventures of more than 
150 former Bunnies. 300 color and 
black-and-white photos. Na nudity. 
Hordcover. 6% x 94°. 320 pages 


525 


Book# Т0201 


SUYIA ANNNS зна 


‘ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494 

Most mojor credit cords accepted 

ORDER BY MAIL Include credit card account 
number ond expirclion date ar send o check 
or money order to Playboy, РО. Box 809, 
Dept. 80140, Itasca, Illinois 60143-0809. 
$5.95 shipping-ond-handling charge per 
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Conadicn orders occepted (го other foreign 
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® KATHRYN LEIGH SCOTT 


VISIT THE PLAYBOY STORE AT WWW.PLAYBOY.COM/CATALOG 


BE LESS PRODUCTIVE 


natural resources can fall behind. So here are 


some easy ways to reduce waste at the office. Turn 
off your lights when you leave. Help set up a recy- 
dling program. Try drinking out ofa mug instead of 
throwaway cups. And always use both sides of a memo. 
ИСА cn Dong ee бшу teca wl 


Р 


44) 


A Public Sarvica ol 
This Publication 


fi. Earth Share 


PLAYBOY 


156 


Baseball 24224 from page 128) 


The Braves may be baseball’s best team. They have 
pitching, hitting and defense, but no karma. 


Bavasi has seen fit to sign sperm whale 
Cecil Fielder to replace crack infielder 
Топу Phillips at DH, exchanging speed 
for obesity. Will it work? Only if Angels 
pitchers learn to doctor the ball with 
flubber. 

Last in pitching, last in attendance, 
last in the AL West, the once-proud Ath- 
letics may actually be worse than they 
looked a year ago. With Mark McGwire 
long gone, Oakland spent much of the 
offseason pursuing Rickey Henderson, 
another golden-age A who is five years 
older than McGwire. Outfielder Matt 
Stairs clouted 27 homers in 1997 to 
more than double his career total, but 
Stairs is 30 years old. Jason Giambi 
(293, 20 homers, 81 RBI), underrated 
infielder Kurt Abbott and signee Mike 
Blowers can help. Still, a rotation that 
made for only 29 wins and two complete 
games will get little help from the inter- 
mittent stuff of starters Kenny Rogers 
and Tom Candiotti. Like Atlanta in re- 
cent years, Oakland dominated the 
game a decade ago but went home dis- 
appointed every year but one. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST 


If not for the postmodern postseason 
we might be calling the Braves the best 
team ever. Five World Series titles! They 
had the deepest starting pitching since 
the old Palmer-McNally-Cuellar Ori- 


oles. It was Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz, 
Neagle and pray for a bagel. Denny Nea- 
gle, their number four starter, finished 
third in voting for the Cy Young award. 
But Atlanta seems cursed. 

The Braves’ decade opened with At- 
lanta's Lonnie Smith freezing on the 
bases to help give Minnesota the 1991 
World Series. In that great Series, four 
out of seven games were decided on the 
final pitch. Smith died at third in the 
last game, starting the Braves on their 
strange road to last falls playoff loss to 
the wild-card Marlins. 

The Braves did manage a 1995 Series 
win over the even more snakebit Indi- 
ans. Still, nobody compares the Braves 
to the 1927 Yankees. Instead, they are 
likened to the early-Nineties Buffalo 
Bills, and they are touchy about it. Pitch- 
er John Smoltz sounded off about the 
“loser label” in the losers’ dugout last 
fall: Isn't it better, he asked, to be good 
every year and win one World Series 
than to win a couple Series and stink the 
rest of the time? 

Well, no. As Smoltz and manager Bob- 
by Cox keep learning, a decade of excel- 
lence isn't good enough. In fact, Atlanta 
must win this year. If the Braves turn 
pumpkin in October again, they will offi- 
cially become baseball's Buffalo Bills, the 
winningest losers of all. 

Disenchanted with fading first base- 


Im not jealous because she's seeing someone else. I'm jealous 
because she's getting laid and I’m not.” 


man Fred McGriff and shortstop Jeff 
Blauser, GM John Schuerholz signed ex- 
Rockies Andres Galarraga, el Gato Gran- 
de, to play first and ex-Rockie Walt Weiss 
to play short. Galarraga has led the 
league in RBI the past two years and hit 
88 homers to McGriff's 50. Yet he may 
turn out to be nothing but a pricier Mc- 
Griff whose stats were inflated by Col- 
orado's thin air. Weiss lacks Blauser's bat, 
but Cox can count on maturing stars 
Javy Lopez, Ryan Klesko and Andruw 
Jones to take up any bat-rack slack. 
Meanwhile, Atlanta's pitching is among 
the best the game has ever seen. Greg 
Maddux' 19-4, 2.20 ERA performance 
in 1997, in which he struck out 177 men 
while walking 20, moved him near to the 
head of the dass among pitchers in the 
game's 130-year history. Tom Glavine 
and Smoltz are merely the league's best 
number two and number three starters. 
Fourth starter Neagle won 20 games. 
Closer Mark Wohlers, who fights his fear 
of flying on every team tip, gives hitters 
high anxiety with 100-mph fastballs. 

The Braves may be baseball's best 
team, but I see them losing again this au- 
tumn—perhaps to a seventh-game pinch 
homer by Darryl Strawberry. They have 
pitching, hitting and defense, but no 
karma. 

At least Atlanta gets a free pass to the 
playoffs. No other team in the East looks 
capable of winning 80 games. The Mets 
signed Japanese hurler Masato Yoshii to 
fill a rotation spot behind Al Leiter, Bob- 
by Jones and Rick Reed, Two years ago 
this was the team of great young arms. 
Bill Pulsipher, Jason Isringhausen and 
Paul Wilson were the young guns who 
could make fans forget Maddux, Glavine 
and Smoltz. But all three phenoms blew 
out their arms. Another big hurt came 
when Alex Ochoa hit more like Dyl- 
an Thomas than Frank Thomas, and 
Carl Everett, another sizzling prospect, 
flamed out. The Mets have actually done 
a superb job of surviving such torpedo 
shots. They aren't about to catch Atlanta 
this season, but by 1999 they may chal- 
lenge for a wild-card slot in the postsea- 
son party. 

Last spring the Marlins signed over 
their future to Gary Sheffield. General 
manager Dave Dombrowski, the best in 
the biz, inked moody outfielder Sheffield 
to a long-term contract for $10 mil- 
lion-plus per year. Sheffield responded 
with a superb impression of Jeff Blau- 
ser—21 homers, 71 RBI. Florida won 
the big enchilada anyway, with starter Li- 
van Hernandez sending his native Cuba 
into orbit while shortstop Edgar Rente- 
ria, who delivered the winning hit, be- 
came Colombia's greatest star. Florida's 
salsa y plaintain year suggested the inter- 
national flavor of baseball in the next 
century. Florida's roster and the Dodg- 
ers' United Nations rotation presage an 
era in which every shoeless Joe from 
Hannibal, Mo. will have teammates from 


Caracas and Tokyo. Unfortunately for 
ns fans, owner Huizenga decided 
to get out while he was ahead, cutting 
costs in order to sell the team cheap. 
Kevin Brown, Moises Alou and everyone 
else was trade bait. The proud Marlins 
were chum for hungry NL competitors. 
Young outfielders Mark Kotsay and 
Todd Dunwoody and new closer Jay 
Powell are underpriced—the only factor 
that matters in the Marlins’ front office 
anymore—but the rest of this club looks 
like a farm team for the dearly departed, 
long lamented 1997 champions. 

Expos supersub ЕР. Santangelo put it 
best: “This team is like high school. You 
know the seniors won't be back next 
year.” Small-market Montreal made a 
habit of dumping its best players: Randy 
Johnson, Larry Walker, Andres Galarra- 
ga, John Wetteland, Marquis Grissom. 
Every year the list lengthens. Every year 
Felipe Alou somehow kceps his club re- 
spectable, but the cracks in the founda- 
tion are starting to show. Last year Mon- 
treal finished 78-84, not bad consider- 
ing the roster Alou had to work with, but 
still ten games behind the mediocre 
Mets. Ten games’ worth of improvement 
might be possible with fireballer Dustin 
Hermanson in the rotation all year and 
outfielders Rondell White and Vladimi 
Guerrero maturing into MVP candi- 
dates, but Alou can only sprout more 
gray hair as his best players keep getting 
traded away. Next year 1 will be praising 
the game's finest manager for finishing 
fourth with a Little League team. 

‘The Phillies are hoping for a come- 
back for center fielder Lenny Dykstra, 
who earned $6 on last season with. 
out playing an inning. Dykstra is 35 and 
hasn't hit a ball hard since the Ford ad- 
ministration. Of the Phils’ gnarly 1993 
Series heroes only John Kruk got away 
safely. Kruk retired years ago, avoiding 
ugly scenes like Dykstra's comeback at- 
tempt and last year’s sighting of Mitch 
Williams, still flipping a few last gopher 
balls from his grave. The Phils have a 
fine young manager in Terry Francona, 
an ace in Curt Schilling, a fab third base- 
man in Rookie of the Year Scott Ro- 
len and little chance of improving their 
abysmal 68-94 record 


NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL 


Houston will be fayored in the Central 
but won't win. The Cardinals, who were 
an inch from the 1996 Series before 
backsliding to fourth place last season, 
won't be as banged up this time around. 
Even more important, Mark McGwire 
(24 homers in a mere 174 ABs for St. 
Louis, 58 for the season) is on hand from 
the . That means supporting an im- 
proving pitching staff with 70 to 80 extra 
runs, enough to push manager Tony La 
Russa’s reputation back into genius ter- 
ritory. With rehabbed closer Jeff Brant- 
ley saving games for a talented but 


undistinguished rotation, rejuvenated 
Delino DeShields at second and an out- 
field featuring Ray Lankford (.295, 31 
homers, 98 RBI in a partial season), Ron 
Gant (17 homers in a down year) and 
possibly a healthy Brian Jordan, this 
year’s Cardinals should be 15 games bet- 
ter than last year's edition—just enough 
to catch the underachievers who beat 
them out a year ago. 

Even with the Cards fold in 1997 the 
Astros barely eked out a division tide be- 
fore quickly excusing themselves from 
the playoffs. Now Series hero Moises 
Alou (.292, 23 homers, 115 RBI), res- 
cued from the Florida fire sale, joins first 
baseman Jeff Bagwell, second baseman 
Craig Biggio and outfielder Derek Bell 
in a lineup chock with All-Stars. Their 
1997 ace Darryl Kile signed with Col- 
orado; Kile won 19 games last year but 
averaged only eight wins in the previous 
three seasons. Starters Shane Reynolds, 
Mike Hampton and Chris Holt will try to 
step up, while bazooka-armed closer Bil- 
ly Wagner tries to avoid a repeat of last 
years streaky performance. Manager 
Larry Dierker, trashed in this space last 
year, now returns to defend his title as 
Central Division genius. But I say the 
1997 champion Astros, whose 84—78 
record was the worst of the six division 
champs, will slip by three games this 
time around, morphing into a .500 club 
with thinly disguised holes in the every- 
day lineup, the rotation and the bullpen. 

With no money to spend in small-mar- 
ket Pittsburgh, GM Cam Bonifay pulled 
a pennant contender out of his hat in 
1997, when the Pirates contended all 
year and finished only five games out in 
this weak division. Their total payroll 
was less than Greg Maddux’ current 
salary, They shocked patrons at Three 
Rivers Stadium by leaving the clubhouse 
to shake hands with ticket buyers as they 
entered the park. Still more surprising 
were the superb years they got from un- 
expected sources: First baseman Kevin 
Young's .300 average and 18 homers, 
closer Rich Loiselle’s 29 saves, second 
baseman Tony Womack’s league-leading 
60 steals, even a combined no-hitter by a 
pair of no-name hurlers. Can such luck 
hold out? No. Manager Gene Lamont 
simply doesn’t have the firepower to stay 
near the division leaders twice in a row. 
Lamont's best player, outfielder Al Mar- 
tin, should top his 1997 numbers while 
everyone else loses ground. The Pitts- 
burgh Pirates, who are two or three key 
injuries away from losing 100 games, are 
about two bad years from becoming the 
Charlotte Pirates. 

Bud Selig's Brewers could challenge 
Cleveland—correction, St. Louis—in the 
Central this year. Commissioner Selig, 
who takes a "What, me worry?" ap- 
proach to radical changes in the old 
game, is bringing his team to the Nation- 
al League. He can only hope DH Dave 


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PLAYBOY 


158 


Nilsson (20 homers, 81 RBI) can handle 
switching to left field in the DH-less NL, 
right fielder Jeromy Burnitz (27 homers, 
85 RBI, 20 steals) can match his 1997 
numbers and both can stay out of Mar- 
quis Grissom's way. Grissom, a huge all- 
round talent coming off a substandard 
season, will be the most electrifying 
Brewer since Robin Yount. Unfortunate- 
ly for manager Phil Garner, Milwaukee 
pitching may be scrap-heap material. 
Closer Doug Jones’ soft-and-softer 
change-ups resulted in 36 saves last year, 
but the 40-year-old Jones has been writ- 
ten off several times before; in his last 
NL stint Jones blew five of seven save op- 
portunities for the Cubs. 

The Cubs tried Mel Rojas in the closer 
spot after Jones’ 1996 flop and got simi- 
lar results. Rojas flamed out and was 
shipped to the Mets. The Cubs’ bullpen 
stoppers have stunk up Wrigley Field 
since Randy Myers absconded after the 
1995 season. Since then Myers has saved 
76 games for Baltimore while Chicago's 
bullpen made the blown save its special- 


ty. The new savior is ex-Giants closer 
Rod Beck, who doesn't throw as hard as 
his setup man, Terry Adams, but has 199 
career saves to Adams' 23. But how 
many leads will the Cubs hand over to 
Beck? As statmaster Bill James has 
shown, the best plan for a team in a hit- 
ters’ park is to emphasize pitching and 
on-base percentage. That way you mini- 
mize enemy three-run homers and max- 
imize your own. But since letting base- 
ball's greatest starter get away in 1993 
this club has consistently done the re- 
yerse, using mediocre starters and free- 
swinging hitters who treat walks like 
kryptonite. The 1998 rotation is another 
no-name crew; the lineup is worse than 
ever. Along with 1997 NL strikeout king 
Sammy Sosa, who at least managed 36 
homers and 119 RBI while whifling 174 
times, the Cubs now feature 1996 strike- 
out leader Henry Rodriguez plus a new, 
strikeout-prone double-play combina- 
tion of Jeff Blauser and Mickey Moran- 
dini. The one bat-control man is slap-hit- 
ung first baseman Mark Grace. Grace 


“America's a great country, but we should keep our distance until 
they make more progress on smokers’ rights.” 


should be batting second or even leadoff, 
but in the clueless confines of Wrigley 
Field he is miscast as a middle-of-the-or- 
der guy. 

Pete Rose will never enter the Hall of 
Fame. That's the good news. The bad 
news is that nobody else in Cincinnati 
will do Cooperstown either. Reds short- 
stop Barry Larkin could have been a 
Hall contender but his bad wheels will 
prevent that. And Cincinnati GM Jim 
Bowden, who has made some brilliant 
free-agent signings in recent years, must 
now hope Roberto Petagine becomes Ro- 
berto Clemente and outfielder Melvin 
Nieves becomes Mel Оц. Anonymous 
starting pitchers Dave Burba, Brett Tom- 
ko and Mike Remlinger are actually a 
talented trio, while Reggie Sanders and 
Willie Greene are potential 30-homer 
guys. Jeff Shaw, who had nine career 
saves before notching an NL-best 42 last 
year, is the league's newest stud closer. 
Still, with each passing year the crum- 
bling Reds look less like a contender and 
more like the ash at the end of Marge 
Schott's cigarette. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST 


Dodger blue has begun to signify a 
bad mood, not just a uniform color. For 
at least two years the Dodgers’ talent has 
been the West's best while the perfor- 
mance of this proud, wealthy team has 
fallen short. If their heralded hurlers are 
a bit overpraised—with Ismael Valdes 
winning just 38 games in three years 
with his supposedly Madduxian talent, 
and 14-12 Hideo Nomo and 10-game 
winner Ramón Martinez slipping to- 
ward mediocrity—at least Chan Ho Park 
is the real deal. The tall 24-year-old Ko- 
rean, often unhittable in a 14-8 season, 
may be better than Valdes. Closer Todd 
Worrell has retired after a calamitous 
season of blown saves and game-losing 
homers. Antonio Osuna, who once 
fanned 13 consecutive batters in the 
Mexican League, takes over, with Dar- 
ren Dreifort on hand in case Osuna pulls 
a Worrell. Dreifort was 5-2 with four 
saves and a 2.86 ERA in his first full sea- 
son—stats that barely hint at the 25- 
year-old Kansan's ability. On Dreifort's 
best nights his stuff is so evil that hitters 
have been known to drop their bats and 
laugh. Oddly enough, that makes him 
an iffy candidate for the closer role, for 
his pitches tend to elude catchers, too. 

Catcher Mike Piazza has matured into 
the kind of hitter people talk about for- 
ever. A decade ago, Tom Lasorda had to 
beg his bosses to draft his pal Vince Piaz- 
za's kid, but since making the All-Star 
team in his rookie year Mike Piazza has 
batted .319, .346, .336 and .362 while ay- 
eraging 33 homers and 104 RBI. All of 
this while playing half his games in one 
of the worst hitters’ parks of all. The 
best-hitting catcher in history now has a 
higher career batting average than Pete 


Rose, George Brett or Rod Carew. His 
supporting cast ain't bad, either. First 
baseman Eric Karros is a consistent 30- 
homer man. Outfielder Raul Mondesi, 
third sacker Todd Zeile, zippy leadoff 
man Eric Young and 1996 Rookie of the 
Year Todd Hollandsworth are all candi- 
dates for this year’s All-Star fiesta at 
Coors Field. So why don't the Dodg- 
ers win the utterly winnable West every 
year? Why do they lack personality? 
Perhaps because they have too many 
personalities. 

Last summer Piazza publicly ques- 
tioned his team’s heart. ‘The Los Angeles 
roster may be a great advertisement for 
diversity but it lacks cohesion, he said. 
"The Dodgers were 25 men with 25 cabs 
and three interpreters. 

Can manager Bill Russell lead such a 
patchwork crew through a grueling sea- 
son and three rounds of playoffs? It says 
here that he can, because even in mod- 
ern baseball the best team occasionally 
wins. The 1998 Dodgers will blow away 
the rest of the West en route to a post- 
season showdown with Atlanta. 

The world champ Marlins’ fire sale 
helped the Padres most of all. San Diego 
traded three minor-league prospects for 
Kevin Brown, the league's best start- 
er who doesn’t work for Ted ‘Turner. 
Brown's 16-8, 2.69 ERA year was his sec- 
ond straight superb season for Florida. 
Now he heads a San Diego rotation that 
also stars Joey Hamilton and Andy Ash- 
by, two of the league’s better starters. 
Ken Caminiti, the 1996 MVP, fell froma 
.326 average with 40 homers and 130 
RBI to .290 with 26 and 90 in a long, 
sore-shouldered 1997 but should do bet- 
ter this time around. Ditto Steve Finley, 
who dipped a bit last year to 961 with 28 
homers and 92 RBI. The same cannot be 
said of God Himself, the San Diego right 
fielder. He had a career year in 1997 by 
batting .372—35 points higher than his 
lifetime average—with a sudden power 
surge at age 37: While lifting his average 
19 points he went from three homers 
and 50 RBI to 17 and 119. Impossible, 
you say? Hey, Tony Gwynn works in 
mysterious ways. 

The Colorado Rockies believe they 
have a mean one-two pitching punch 
with $24 million signee Darryl Kile, who 
won 19 games with a 2.57 ERA for the 
Astros last year, and ex-Dodger Pedro 
Astacio. Well, maybe. Kile’s ERA might 
double in Denver's thin air. Astacio, who 
came from Los Angeles in the Eric 
Young trade and had several good out- 
ings before getting torched in his last 
Coors Field start, may soon be a candi- 
date for the loony bin. Coors Field eats 
pitchers, and a homer-prone guy like 
Astacio could easily spend much of 1998 
swiveling to watch moonshots disappear. 
‘The rest of the pitching staff resembles 
Swiss cheese. Colorado's attack stars 
MVP Larry Walker, Dante Bichette and 


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Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where to find this month's 
merchandise. To purchase 
the apparel and equipment 
shown on pages 20, 33, 35, 
37, 86-89, 108-111, 126- 
127 and 171, check the list- 
ings below to find the stores 
nearest you. 


WIRED 

Page 20: “Computing on the Fly”: 
Handheld PCs: By Sharp Electronics, 
800-937-4977. By Mitsubishi Electron- 
ics of America, 800-445-5250. By Toshi- 
ba, 800-457-7777. By Casio Phonemate, 
310-320-9810. By Apple Computer, 
800-538-9696. "Say Cheese": Color 
printers: By Lexmark, 800-539-6975. 
By Epson, 800-463-7766. By Olympus 
America, 888-553-4448. “Wild Things": 
Power-protection device by XS Tech- 
nologies, 888-978-3241. Car security 
system by Road Trac, 800-708-1170. 


HEALTH & FITNESS 
Page 28: “Sweat It Out”: Shower gel 
by Crunch, at all five NYC Crunch lo- 
cations and one in Los Angeles, 213- 
654-4550, or call 212-620-7867 for 
ordering information. 


MANTRACK 

Page 33: “Have Blades, Will Travel”: 
Knives by Wüsthof-Trident, Haw- 
thorne, NY, 914-773-0200. “Bespoke 
Spoken Here”: Store: Turnbull & As- 
ser, NYC, 212-319-8100. Page 35: 
“Razor Buzz”: Razor by Norelco, 
Stamford, CT, 203-973-0200. “Cha- 
teaux Cheap”: Wines of Languedoc 
and Roussillon: From Robert Kacher 
Selections, Washington, DC, 202-832- 
9083. From Alain Junguenet/Wines of 
France, Mountainside, NJ, 908-654- 
6173. From Kermit Lynch Wine Mer- 
chant, Berkeley, CA, 510-524-1524. 
Page 37: “The Road Warrior Com- 
bo”: Carry-on suiter and computer 


TO 


bag by Tumi, 800-322- 
8864. “Shredded Neat”: 
Shredder by GBC, 800- 
541-0094. 


SHIRTS AND TIES 
Pages 86-87: Shirts: Best 
of Class by Robert Talbott, 
800-747-8778 and at 
Nordstrom stores. By 
Brioni, at Neiman Mar- 
cus stores. By Tommy Hil- 
figer, at Macy's and Bloomingdale's 
stores. By Thomas Pink, NYC, 212- 
838-1928. By Burberrys, at Burberrys 
retail stores. Pages 88-89: Tics: By 
Tino Cosma, NYC, 212-246-4005. By 
Robert Talbott and Best of Class by Robert 
Talbott, 800-747-8778, and at Nord- 
strom stores. By Joseph Abboud, at 
Bloomingdale's, Nordstrom and Saks 
Fifth Avenue stores. By Boss Hugo 
Boss, Washington, DC, 202-625-2677, 
Beverly Hills, 310-379-9515 and 
King of Prussia, PA, 610-992-1400. 


WARP SPEED 
Pages 108-111: Motorcycles: Ву 
American Honda, 310-532-9811. By 
American Suzuki Motor, 800-828-7433. 
By Yamaha Motorsports, 800-692-6242. 
By Kawasaki, 800-661-7433. By BMW 
of North America, 800-345-4269. 


FAR-OUT PAGERS 

Pages 126-127: Pagers: By Motorola, 
800-548-9954. By Texas Instruments, 
800-842-2737. By Research in Motion, 
519-888-7465. By Socket, from GTE, 
800-483-5838. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 171: “Get Down! Get Down!”: 
Dive camera by Pioneer Research, 800- 
257-7742. Underwater mask by Sea- 
Vision, 800-732-6275. Dive knife by 
Ocean Master, 800-841-7007. Chrono- 
graph-chronometer by Alain Silber- 
stein, from Kenjo, 212-333-7220. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY т 7 STEVEN BARBOUR, JEFI BLANTON, © 1998 CROWN PUBLISHING. MICHAEL DUBOIS. ANDREW ECCLES, 
C.... DAVID GOODMAN, RICHARD FOWARD MARA, ПОМ MESANOS, KARI RENE. F 9 ARNY FREY: 


Ellis Burks in a power-packed outfield, 
plus 40-homer man Vinny Castilla at 
third, hotshot shortstop Neifi Perez and 
ex-Expo second baseman Mike Lansing. 
Watch Lansing’s stats soar as he moves 
from Montreal to Colorado. But can 
Colorado overtake the Dodgers with mi- 
nor-league slugger Todd Helton trying 
a's shoes at first base? 
s 20 games for the Rock- 
ies, Astacio wins 15, Jerry Dipoto saves 
35 and Hades freezes. 

San Francisco's defending division 
champs have nowhere to go but down. 
Even with Robb Nen's 101-остапе gas re- 
fueling the bullpen, even with Barry 
Bonds adding to his Cooperstown cre- 
dentials, Dusty Baker's Giants are about 
to get dusted. The wondrous Bonds, 
who hit 40 homers with 101 RBI, had 37 
steals (out of 45 attempts) and won still 
another Gold Glove in 1997, has already 
car ned a spot among the ten or 15 great- 
est players ever. He somehow notches 
super stats each year while enemy hurl- 
ers constantly try to avoid him. No one 
gets more intentional—and semi-inten- 
tional—walks than Bonds, who leads the 
league in passes year after year. All of 
which suggests a fundamental question: 
Is Barry Bonds better than many of 
baseball’s all-time greats? Is he better 
than, say, Roberto Clemente? Yes, ea 
Is he better than his godfather, Wi 
Mays? Better than Ty Cobb, maybe even 
Babe Ruth? It's possible. I may be struck 
by lightning for saying so, but I say 
Bonds’ one true rival as baseball’s finest 
all-time player may not be Mays, Babe 
Ruth or Ty Cobb, who all excelled in a 
slower, weaker game, but his contempo- 
rary Ken Griffey Jr. 

Phoenix sports mogul Jerry Colangelo 
annoyed his fellow owners by signing 
shortstop Jay Bell for megamillions to 
play for the Diamondbacks. Bell may be 
the 500th-best shortstop ever. Third 
baseman Matt Williams, however, will 
challenge San Diego's Caminiti in All- 
Star voting, while center fielder Devon 
White, ex-Dodger Karim Garcia and 
Rookie of the Year candidate Travis Lee 
fill out a lineup that should finish in the 
middle of the NL pack offensively. Man- 
ager Buck Showalter's mound corps in- 
cludes starter Willie Blair, who survived 
a vicious line drive to the jaw last spring 
to win 16 games for Detroit. That meant 
free-agent millions for the eight-year 
veteran Blair, who had never before won 
more than seven. It won't mean more 
than ten wins in 1998 as Andy Benes 
leads fellow Snake starters Blair, Brian 
Anderson, Jeff Suppan and Omar Daal 
to the slaughter. The excitement starts 
March 31 in Phoenix, when Benes or 
Blair faces Colorado's Darryl Kile in the 
Diamondbacks’ historic first loss. 

Happy Opening Day. See you in the 


cheap seats. 


twenty-five things 


(continued from page 116) 
seconds, just to tease me. When he final- 
ly put his fingers in me, it felt that much 
more amazing.” 


(8) MEN AIM TO PLEASE 


Jennifer, 24: “The first time I had sex 
with this one guy, he jokingly asked, 
"What's your secret formula?’ He was 
giving me permission to tell him what I 
wanted. That made me relax. For my 
money, it's not how much you know 
about women, it’s how much you know 
about me.” 

Leigh, 29: “My boyfriend follows di- 
rections superbly, so he’s been able to 
fine-tune things over the years. And he 
always lets me come first.” 

Barbara, 50: “What I love most about 
men is that they get turned on turning 
you on.” 

Katrina, 34: “My husband loves to 
play with my sex toys. When he takes me 
from behind and touches one of my vi- 
brators to my anus, it throws me into 
outer orbit. He'll ask me if I'd like him to 
make me come with his mouth, a toy, 
etc., and I'm so excitable that usually just 
his question gets me off.” 


(9) MEN HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS 


Michelle, 34: “In the middle of doing 
the nastiest things and talking dirty to 
me, my boyfriend will stop, say my name 
and tell me he loves me. Hearing him 
say that, especially my name, raises ev- 
erything up a notch.” 

Mary, 25: “I was dressed in a shabby 
T-shirt and shorts for painting and my 
boyfriend wanted to make love. 1 
laughed and said to him, 'C'mon, I'ma 
mess. He had me after he said, But you 
always look lovely.’ Flattery will get you 
everywhere.” 

"Татту, 31: “My last boyfriend was a 
talker. No one had talked dirty to me 
before. He would say complimentary 
things like ‘I love your pussy’ or ‘I love 
how you stroke me.’ It sounds weird re- 
peating it. He was so good that 1 couldn't 
wait for the words.” 


(10) MEN ARE ALWAYS PRIMED. 


Rachel, 26: “Men are so positive about 
sex. My lover says that he always wants 
to have sex with me—he's just w: 
for me to say Go. 

Sarah, 18: “The great thing about 
guys is that they never say no. The other 
day we were at the library. My boyfriend 
had a term paper due. I started kissing 
him, and then, you know. He's always 
willing, and I'm a very sexual girl. I was 
wearing a dress, so I slipped off my 
stockings and we did it against a wall, 
then finished in a chair. 1 never would 
have gone with him to the library if I 
didn't think I would get sex out of it.” 

Anna, 34: “My husband has as much 
enthusiasm for sex as he did the first 


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35 "Here's a move that al- 
ways works for me. Your lover has to be 
engaged in some activity where she's 
standing up. Approach her from behind 
and begin kissing her neck, which is the 
most erogenous zone on every woman 
on the planet. The important thing is to 
keep her facing away from you. Whether 
you're unbuttoning her blouse, pulling 
down her skirt or removing her under- 
wear, you create a certain kind of ano- 
nymity. The three times I tried this—one 
woman was combing her hair after a 
shower, another was brushing her teeth 
before bed, the third was washing 
strawberries in the kitchen sink—the 
sex was nothing less than dynamite. Es- 
pecially with the strawberry woman, be- 
cause we used the fruit.” 


32 +1 was once in a movie 
theater with a lover and during one sexy 
scene I slipped my hand under her dress 
and inside her panties to finger her. I 
played—and she squirmed—for a little 
while, but it was when I removed my 
hand and slid the finger into my mouth 
that she gasped. Whenever 1 speak to 
her, she still reminds me of it, and it 
happened seven years ago.” 


29 «A surprisingly large num- 
Ber of women seem to enjoy having 
their hair pulled, or at least gently 
tugged, during both foreplay and inter- 
course. Many years ago a girlfriend ac- 
tually requested that 1 yank her hair, 
and almost everyone I've been with 
since has been turned on by it." 


30 +1 always make sure we're 
in a bed with a footboard. If you can 
steady your feet at the bottom of the 
bed, you can use your toes to get lever- 
аке so you can rock horizontally and rub 
your pelvis against her clitoris for a no- 
hands orgasm. It might sound compli- 
cated, but it works like a charm.” 


24 “sometimes ГИ slide a 
well-lubed finger up a woman's ass 
while going down on her. This trick is not 
something most women think of on their 
‘own, and it's not something they usually 
ask for, but they have all been happy as 
hell when I've done it.” 


33 «mis move works only if 
you have good banter in bed. Once 
things start rolling, tell her you need to 
confess a little bad behavior. Hopefully, 


she'll get that you're going to go dirty 
on her. Reveal to her that you've been 
getting a little on the side—fucking a 
co-worker or someone from your past or 
someone you simply met in line at the 
grocery store. Every now and then say, 1 
mean, ) felt awful betraying you and all, 
but I couldn't help myself. This woman 
knew absolutely everything there is to 
know about turning me on.’ The best 
fantasies, I've learned, come loaded 
with details—and throwing in the occa- 
sional reference to your guilt over (or 
thrill at) betraying your partner is one of 
the most crucial details you can in- 
clude. This nasty fantasy works only if 
your partner feels secure in your rela- 
tionship. A portion of her turn-on is the 
fact that she can never be 100 percent 
certain you're not fessing up to a gen- 
uine truth." 


A.1. “1 tend to rely on the tried- 
and-true techniques. The trick is to 
know exactly when to employ which 
move. At this point it's almost instinct 
to know when she's ready for me to lick 
softly behind her ear, nibble hard on her 
collarbone or slide it deep inside. Know 
when it is time to go real slow and sen- 
sual and when to go wild. Pressure їз 
another important factor. I've devel- 
oped a knack for a bite or a kiss or a 
grasp that's extremely gentle and con- 
trolled yet rough and abandoned at the 
‘same time.” 


23 “Here's my favorite 
Move: Hold your dick parallel to her 
body and rub the tip slowly over her 
pussy lips and clitoris. After about a 
minute of this, she'll be begging you to 
make love to her. | learned this trick 
from Charles Mingus’ autobiography.” 


27 “tve never met a wom- 
an who doesn't enjoy a good earlobe 
nibble. My technique is to watch the 
teeth and keep up a steady stream of 
sweet nothings, usually customized to 
the nibble.” 


53 +1 am a true believer in 
the Holy Grail of sexual pleasure, the G 
spot. It's there, it works, it's mysteri- 
ous. И you think about it, it's like 
searching for a pot of gold in a room 
filled with $100 bills. Even when the G 
spot has been elusive, my faith in its 
istence has kept my attention focused. 
At times my search is even mistaken for 
prolonged foreplay.” 


time we were together years ago. Know- 
ing that I excite him is a powerful ego 
boost. I don’t have to make myself sexy 
for him; I am sexy to him.” 


(11) MEN INVENTED MULTITASKING. 


Laura, 28: “My boyfriend does some- 
thing with his thumb on my clitoris while 
his middle and index fingers massage 
my vulva. I can't explain or duplicate it, 
but it feels like I am being reborn.” 

Maxine, 19: “Men work hard, and 
that’s good, because a woman can never 
have too much stimulation. The vibrator 
covers the clitoris, the fingers go every- 
where else.” 

Gina, 28: “My boyfriend has this move 
where he fingers my nipples and licks 
them at the same time. Its wonderful.” 

Casey, 24: “You know a guy is good 
when he uses both hands to fondle you.” 

Dana, 24: “My boyfriend is able to 
bury his erection inside me while run- 
ning his tongue along my six-inch stilet- 
to heels, He makes it look easy.” 


(12) MEN TAKE CHARGE 


Liz, 23: “I like it when a guy gets ag- 
gressive, pulls my hair, scratches my 
back, smacks my ass, fucks me hard. Be- 
ing sensitive doesn’t mean being a pussy 
in bed.” 

Ashley, 31: "I love guys who make me 
wait and beg. Slow, hard and steady is 
the road to orgasm, but fast and mean is 
the way to get me in a good mood.” 

Wendy, 22: “I had a one-night stand 
with a musician who put me in positions 
I'd never been in, spread my legs apart, 
put me totally under his control without 
making me feel unsafe. It was a blur of 
dreadlocks and biceps. I came even be- 
fore I knew what was happening.” 

Monica, 29: “I like a man who lets me 
know he’s the guy and Im the girl. 
When he’s on top of me and uses a 
healthy grip to pin my arms above my 
head, or when I'm on top and he grabs 
my hips, the pure power turns me on." 


(13) MEN ARE CURIOUS 


Susan, 30: "One ex-boyfriend had a 
movie theater seat in his office. He took 
off my clothes, sat me in the chair and 
asked me to throw my legs over the 
arms. Then he sat down and explored 
with his fingers. He circled, squeezed, 
probed, stroked, very slowly, with the 
lights on, while he stared at me to gauge 
my reaction. I could barely sit still.” 


(14) MEN RETURN THE FAVOR 


Kate, 24: “One guy with whom 1 used 
to have relations had a brilliant tech- 
nique of suckling my clitoris. How can I 
describe it? He would pull my clit into 
his mouth and give me a little blow job.” 

Cindy, 27: “I had a girlfriend who said 
that every time she gave her boyfriend a 
blow job, she would get a gift. That's an 
excellent program.” 


(15) MEN KNOW THEIR PLEASURE 


Paula, 25: “I love guys because their 
bodies aren't a patchwork of off-limits 
areas.” 

Renee, 34: “I have never met a man 
who is shy about masturbating. There is 
nothing sexier than a live show, and 
nothing more telling. I learn his rhythm, 
his favorite techniques and the amount 
of pressure to use.” 


(16) MEN COME PREPARED 


Donna, 28: “The best lover I ever had 
brushed his teeth, clipped his nails and 
shaved prior to getting under the sheets, 
kept mints on his bedside table and ney- 
er ran out of ice for my drinks or for oth- 
er things.” 


(17) MEN ARE 
PROTECTIVE 


Deborah, 36: “1 
will always think 
fondly of the man 
who, after our first 
intercourse, when 1 
had turned my back 
in a loose spoon po- 
sition, pulled me 
against his chest 
with one arm and 
held me like that all 
night. He was a big 
guy, so I could sleep 
with my head on his 
shoulder all night 
without cutting off 
his circulation. I 
haven't found any- 
one else who can do 
that.” 


(18) MEN HAVE HEARTY 
APPETITES 


Liz, 23: “This one 
guy put Nutella all 
over me and licked 
it off because the 
package said, ‘Spread 
it on something 
special." 

Sue, 32: "Things 
that have done it for 
me: One: The guy 
who lapped single 
malt from the small of my back. Two: 
The guy who took bite after bite until 
he had measured my bum in careful 
mouthfuls. Three: The guy who didn't 
freak out when I needed a good long cry. 
He just sat me down on his face and ate 
me while I sobbed. It was ultravolup- 
tuous and a million times more comfoi 
ing than the just-hold-me treatment.’ 

Kim, 20: “My boyfriend drove me to 
his house and blindfolded me. He took 
me through the back door and told me 
to lic down. I felt pillows, I heard a re- 
frigerator door open. I tasted cham- 
pagne. He unbuttoned my blouse. I felt 
whipped cream on both my nipples and 
then his tongue licking it off. More 


champagne. Then 1 felt whipped cream 
between my legs and more licking. At 
that point I had to rip off that fucking 
blindfold.” 


(19) MEN EMBRACE THEIR FEMININE SIDE 


Lauren, 32: “One lover poured me a 
glass of wine as I lay in bed, then painted 
my toenails and fingernails. Afier he'd 
finished—a great job, too—he gave me a 
massage. Then he licked my pussy, 
sucked my nipples and made love to me. 
I was so turned on I still get wet whenev- 
er 1 pass a Cutex display.” 


(20) MEN ARE EASY TO PLEASE 


Danielle, 26: “This may sound crude, 
but it's not meant to be dismissive. It's 


Party Is About To Begin 


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just that you have to admire anyone who 
can be satisfied in bed just having his pe- 
nis sucked.” 


(21) MEN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY 


Tracy, 28: “I was with one guy for the 
first time and he reached for a condom 
at just the right moment. I didn't have 
to ask, and he didn't make it an issue.” 


(22) MEN ARE OVERACHIEVERS 


Kristen, 31: “My lover practices tantric 
sex. The first time we were together we 
fucked for four hours. He came five 
times and never lost his erection. When 
it was finally over—he finished by going 
down on me—I was like, ‘What the hell 


was that?’ He must have practiced for 
months to have that sort of staying pow- 
er. Once he was upset because he lasted 
only 45 minutes before he ejaculated. 1 
told him it was OK.” 


Sara, 29: “There is а store in San Fran- 
cisco called Stormy Leather that sells la- 
tex dresses. Once when we were run- 
ning errands, my boyfriend said, ‘Let's 
goin there.’ I told him, I don't think so. 
But we went in. I found this expensive 
silver dress and poured myself into it. I 
walked out of the dressing room and his 
jaw dropped. We've broken up since, but 
he sparked my interest in fetish clothing. 
Now I love to go to fetish clubs wearing 
my shiny clothes.” 

Rachel, 26: “The 
first time a guy 
sucked my toes blew 
me away. I was sur- 
prised, but it was 
sensual. There’s no 
feeling like a wet 
mouth over your 
toe. The message 
‘Everything 
about your body 


turns me on.“ 


was, 


(24) MED 


Sandy, 22: “One 
night my boyfriend 
went down on me 
and wrapped his 
arms tightly around 
my thighs, holding 
them together. It 
caused him to con- 
centrate on my cli- 
toris, but the psy- 
chological benefits 
were what got to 
me—having him 
hug me like that 
made me feel that 
he was embracing 
me, oral sex and 
our lovemaking in 
general. The visual 
was cool, too—he 
has great biceps, 
and it was obvious I 
wasn't going anywhere for a while.” 


RE FOCUSED 


(25) MEN LEAVE AN IMPRESSION 


Molly, 25: "On a summer night I end- 
ed up in a goodnight kiss against my саг 
with a date. He reached under my sun- 
dress and slowly pulled down my pant- 
ies. 'Cooler now?' he said. It was so 
damn over-the-top, I told him I had to 
go. I drove away without my panties—I 
could feel the car seat against my ass. By 
the time I got home I was so turned on I 
had to pull out my vibrator. I wrote him 
an e-mail and said we needed to get to- 
gether again. I had to sleep with him.” 


163 


164 


Elizabeth iuris соттай from page 134) 


Sexual risk is pure moment. It 


improvisational. It is 


hot. It is saying, “This can't wait.” 


time is proof of exploitation or sexual 
predation. But we believe that all men 
and women have the right to explore— 
through as many partners as they wish— 
their sexual potential. If you accept the 
testimony of one of Clinton's alleged for- 
mer sex partners, he is a “profound and 
imaginative lover.” Gennifer Flowers— 
someone who unfortunately does not 
share Elizabeth Ward Gracen's sense of 
discretion—came to his defense when 
the Paula Jones brouhaha surfaced, 
saying the alleged incident was not 
Bill's style. How good are your sexual 
references? 

That most in the media still think in 
the old scripts of predator and promis- 
cuous slut is evident in how Monica 
Lewinsky has been described in the 
press. Old friends have come out to say 
she is manipulative, oversexed, a woman 
with an agenda, someone who went to 
Washington with a set of knee pads and 
her eyes on the president. Oversexed is 
the modern term for nymphomaniac— 
what Kinsey once described as “someone 
who has more sex than the person using 
the term." Name a 21-year-old woman 
who is not oversexed. If a woman is as- 
sertive or exploratory, do we need a high 
school teacher to label her manipulative? 

Clinton's sex life is his own. We should 
not expect men to make sexual choices 


with the same grim consequence with 
which they handle the Cuban Missile 
Crisis or Saddam Hussein. Lighten up. 
That Clinton can perform with his job 
pressure is a miracle. That sex can be 
a relief valve, or a rejuvenation, isn’t 
worth 10,000 editorials or a life on the 
couch. It is one of the many faces of sex. 
We don't need the president to make 
that point. Look at these pictures again. 
Feel recharged? The controversy gave 
airtime to the self-appointed experts on 
something called sexual addiction. 
These dour souls feel that anyone who 
likes sex enough to repeat it is caught in 
a web of temptation. They toss about 
phrases such as obsessive-compulsive be- 
havior and self-destructive risk. 

Gennifer Flowers chimed in, describ- 
ing Clinton as a high-wire act, a man 
who wanted to have sex at a par 
governor's mansion while his wi 
close by. 

What do we think of sexual risk? It is 
pure moment. It is improvisational. It 
charges the act when hours of languid 
foreplay are out of the question. It is hot. 
It is saying, "This can't wait." 

One might say that it's hit-and-run 
sex, or male oriented—that we somehow 
rob the woman of her right to hours of 
adulation, dinner and a movie—the old 
price of courtship. But we no longer be- 


"Of course, I believe that women have 
a right to control their own bodies. All I ask is that 
they let me watch." 


lieve women have the sexual inertia of a 
nun or of Queen Victoria. Sparks fly. If 
the quickie is the only form of sex that 
doesn't come with a mortgage, so be it. 

Are we immature, or what? The scan- 
dal quickly became a national discussion 
on the meaning of oral sex 

The oral-sex debate took at least three 
forms. Most had fun with the lust loop- 
hole, the notion that Clinton believes the 
Bible says oral sex is not adultery. Did he 
find that in the King James version? 
More likely, in the Rick James version. 

We learned that Black's Law Dictionary 
does not technically consider oral sex to 
be adultery, but we've never turned to 
law books for sex advice. ABC News pro- 
duced a lawyer who muttered that there 
is case law to the contrary. Our own ex- 
pert says adultery is defined by the 
spouse's reaction. If your spouse were to 
‘over you іп the act, would you want 
im or her to be carrying a shotgun? 

Most articles couched oral sex as a 
politician's obsession. Congressmen 
have been getting blow jobs from pages 
and secretaries for aeons. 

When PLAYBOY polled college students 
in 1996 we found that about half did not 
consider oral sex to be real sex, and that 
three quarters did not include oral-sex 
partners in their sexual histories. This 
may or may not be, as one social psy- 
chologist argued, a "moral freebie.” 

An entire generation has carved out a. 
sexual space that does not involve inter- 
course. In the Fifties, we called Vassar 
coeds who did everything but the real 
thing “technical virgins.” Oral sex is a 
way of being sexual without risking 
pregnancy. Itis recreational sex. It’s the 
most fun you can have without taking off 
your clothes or mussing your hair. 

Then there was the “protect the chil- 
dren” masquerade. We were amused by 
all the conservatives who whined about 
having to discuss oral sex at the break- 
fast table with their fifth-graders. 

Look at what passes for sex education 
these days. Those same children go to 
grade school to learn about reproductive 
organs, the role of hormones and AIDS. 
A curriculum that doesn’t mention ec- 
stasy—only grim consequence. (There 
are nations in the world—Sweden, 
Holland—where alternatives to inter- 
course are part of the curriculum.) In 
this void, Generation Xers have discov- 
ered oral sex and made it their own. 
More power to them. Now oral sex has 
the presidential seal of approval. 

This may be Clinton's greatest legacy. 
Especially in the workplace. At least one 
editorial commented that Zippergate 
had made it OK to discuss sex around 
the watercooler without fear of be- 
ing brought up on sexual harassment 
charges. Clinton embarrassed himself so 
that we could all be adulis адай 

The child factor cropped up every- 
where. On one NPR show, a famous 
feminist kept saying that Clinton had 


exploited an intern who was barely out 
of high school. A fellow panelist had to 
correct her. Monica Lewinsky was 21, an 
adult, fresh out of college, not high 
school. 

‘The feminist quandary: When does a 
woman become an adult, i.e., when is 
she responsible for her own actions, up 
to and including seducing the president 
and telling tales out of school? The 
thrust of sexual harassment laws and 
date rape lectures is that women are pas- 
sive victims, that they need protection 
throughout their lives. Victorians felt 
that way and arrived at a simple solu- 
tion: Keep all women at home. Should 
women be kept out of government and 
the workplace until they pass a maturity 
test? Should women be licensed? 

The famous feminist claimed that the 
Lewinsky affair was clearly an abuse of 
power, as exploitative and offensive as 
the Paula Jones affair. As governor, Clin- 
ton could not, by law, have sex with any 
employee of the state of Arkansas. As 
president, he cannot have sex with any 
employee of the federal government or, 
for that matter, any citizen of the U.S. 
without violating someone's notion of 
sexual harassment law. 

Perhaps the most hypocritical attitude 
was that adopted by commentators who 
took it upon themselves to criticize the 
president's response to questions about 
affairs. 

How would they respond to the Starr 
chamber? How would you? There are 
only three possible responses to a charge 
of adultery: 

© Discretion: My private life is none of 
your concern. 

© Denial: Who, me? No way. 

Defiance: Yeah, I fucked her. So 
what? Let ye who are without sin cast the 
first stone. 

Clinton is caught between options one 
and two, but regardless of the truth, he 
will always be viewed as weak. Hillary 
did a better job, saying to the press, 
“We've been married for 22 years. We 
know everything there is to know about 
each other and we understand and ac- 
cept and love each other.” She was as 
powerful as Xena, and in that moment, 
just as sexy. And should anyone persist, 
choose your second and meet at dawn. 

Clinton could have said: “We are hu- 
man. We have a marriage that is a part- 
nership. It is not defined by something 
as absurd as sexual exclusivity. We are 
faithful to the partnership, not to some 
sense of cach other as property.” 

The right to privacy should extend to 
the president as well as to the man in the 
street. Then again, perhaps we should 
revert to those ancient rituals in which 
court advisors gathered in the royal 
bedroom to watch the king and queen 


have sex. 


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PLAYMATE 


Playboy TV celebrated its 15th 
birthday with a star-studded pajama 
party at Los Angeles’ hottest night- 
club, the Garden of Eden. Playmates, 


Before the pojomo party kicked off о! the Garden of Eden, Entertainment Tonight covered the 
event сі a pte por photo shoot al the Mansion, where Miss June 1997 Carrie Stevens and Hef 
(ЕҢ) posed in silk robes. The Monsion served os bockdrop for ET's comeromon ond Miss Feb- 
тоогу 1997 Kimber West (insel). Pictured above, Kimber West, Carrie Stevens, Miss August 
1995 Rachel Jeón Morteen ond 1997 PMOY Victorio Silvstedt know they ore o great-looking 
group of women. Other pejomo porty attendees included Juli Ashton and Dorio (co-hosts of Ployboy 
TV's popular interoctive coll-in show Night Colls) ond Ployrrates Gillion Bonner, Angel Boris, Nikki 
Schielen Victorio Fuller, Kelly Monaco, Julie Lynn Cialini, Avo Fabian and Daphnee Lynn Duplaix. 


Playboy TV personalities and models 
wore one-of-a-kind sleepwear fash- 
ions by designers Todd Oldham, Bet- 
sey Johnson, Elisabetta Rogiani and 
Syren, among others. Politically Incor- 


STAR STRUCK 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS — MAY 
Lynnda Kimball—Miss January 1975 
will be 46 on May 1 

Tracy Vaccaro—Miss October 1983 
will be 36 on May 4. 

Joyce Nizzari—Miss December 1958 
will be 58 on May 20. 

Elisa Bridges—Miss December 1994 
will be 25 оп May 24. 

Gloria Root—Miss December 1969 will 
be 50 on May 28 


recs Bill Maher hosted the event 
Playboy TV's Williamson Howe, host 
of Naughty Amateur Home Videos, mod- 
eled custom-made silk PJs that looked 
suspiciously like the kind Hef's been 
wearing for the past 35 years. Hey, 
they've worked for him. 


That's Ethan Howke with Miss Morch 1997 Jennifer Miriam 
{above left). Jennifer, os Catherine, flirts with Ethan on the 
big screen in The Newton Boys (co-storring Motthew Mc- 
Conoughey ond Julianno Morgulies). Tim Allen jokes with 
Miss December 1992 Borboro Moore (center) ot the New 
Year's Eve Ployboy Monsion party Is thot Joonie and 
Chachi? No, it's Miss June 1992 Angelo Melini and Scott 
Boio (right), who are ringing in the new yeor cheek to cheek 


167 


Justice wasn't swift, but it was sweet 
for May 1976 Playmate Patti McClain. 
She was fired from her job as an office 
manager 17 months ago. She alleged 
that the company fired her over 
her pictorial in 
The Playmate Book. 
Now Patti has set- 
tled her lawsuit 
and feels she has 
“won for all wom- 
en. They can't do 
this to a Playmate 
again,” she says. 
*] really don't 
mind if someone 
says, 'Hey, Patti, 
you look beauti- 
ful today.’ That 
doesn't make me feel discriminated 
against or harassed. But I think in my 
professional life I should be judged 
for my work alone. Now that this is 
over I hope I've made a difference.” 


Jean Manson has been a recording 
artist in France since her debut as 
Miss August 1974. I saw her most re- 
cently on a French television variety 
show. She’s the first female French 
singer to record a country music al- 
bum, which includes a version 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


If you're having a baby or think- 
ing about it, I highly recommend 
September 1979 Playmate Vicki Mc- 
Carty's book, The Girlfriends’ Guide to 
Pregnancy, one of a series published 
under her married name, Vicki Io- 
vine. It's practical, down-to-carth, fun- 
ny and accurate.— Mark Tomlonson, 
Kalamazoo, Michigan 


A Trenton, New Jersey newspaper, 
The Trentonian, features a pin-up-type 
poster in its Monday editions. This 
week's model is April 1993 Playmate 
Nicole Wood, who has moved to the 
state and started her own cosmetics 
line. It’s great to have such a gor- 
geous celebrity in our midst. Bob 
Schroeder, Trenton, New Jersey 


TINA BOCKRATH: 
“My mom wos very cool obout 
PLAYBOY. Her biggest concern wos 


whether the people who first con- 
tacted me were reolly from the 
mogazine. Even my grondporents 
were cool obout it.” 


Fresh from her role in The Newton 
Boys (Richard Linklater’s outlaw 
flick), Miss March 1997 Jennifer 


PLAYMATE TRIVIA 


О Canada, My Canada 


We would like to thank the — Dorothy Straten, Sylvie. 


Maple Leaf for these Play- — Garant 
mates born in Canada: 
The Sixties: Pamela 
Anne Gordon 

The Seventies: Danielle 
de Vabre, Virve Reid, 
Kristine Winder, 


of Stand By Your Man.—David Reeves, 
Edmonton, Alberta 


Am I the only wife in the world 
who doesn't have a problem with 
PLAYBOY? I worked with Victoria Val- 
entino and asked her for an auto- 
graphed photo. My husband really 
went into orbit when I gave it to 
him.—Geraldine Sylvester, Toluca 


168 Lake, California 


The Eighties: Heidi Soren- 
‘son, Kelly Tough. Shannon 
Tweed 

The Nineties: Peggy Mcln- 


taggert, Pamela Ander- 
son Lee, Morgan Fox 


Miriam phoned us from Austin, 
Texas for a brief chat. 

Q: In the film, you play one of 
Ethan Hawke’s love interests. 
Did you like working with him? 
A: Ethan was incredible. I have 
had a crush on him since I was a 
teenager. He's easygoing and 
laid-back. 

Q: How did you prepare for the 
_ | role in Newton Boys? 

A: My character is a girl-next- 
door manicurist who meets a 
man and winds up having din- 
ner and drinks with him. I had 
to cut my long hair into a bob. 1 
originally had onc line, but we 
improvised a lot, 
which was a 
bit difficult. 
The movie 
takes place in 
the Twenties, so we 
couldn't say words 
like yeah and cool 
О: What's an ideal 
night on the town in 
Austin? 

A: First, dinner at 
Sullivan's, then marti- 
nis at the Speakeasy, а 
place with great swing music for 
dancing. 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Miss December 1992 Barbara 
Moore can be seen in two music 
videos, Phil Collins’ Wear My 
Hat and Aerosmith’s Pink. 
А Miss October 1978 Маг- 


cy Hanson's Victorian 


Inn appeared in Texas 
e Vacations magazine in 

March. . . . Miss August 

1994 Maria Checa has a 
part in the sequel to From 
Dusk Till Dawn, a film co-pro- 
duced by Quentin Tarantino. .. . 
Miss January 1997 Jami Ferrell 
was in Chicago this past winter 


Jami Ferrell 


and she took a turn on the ice at 
a Blackhawks game. The puck 


stops here. . .. Miss September 
1997 Nikki Schieler was this 
winter's Lange 

ski boot poster 

girl. Both 

Miss January 

1994 Anna- 

Marie God- 

dard and 

also Miss 

February 

1998 Julia 

Schultz 

starred on 

Pictionary, 

a syndi- 

cated 

televi- 

sion 

game 

һом... 

This 

past win- 

ter, Miss ч 

August Morten, Zdrok 

1995 Rachel Jean Marteen and 
Miss October 1994 Victoria Zdrok 
appeared in south Florida at the 
club Howl at the Moon, for а pro- 
motional event for Smirnoff. 


Only 20,000 Of Each Will Be Issued! 


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his month, Playboy TV brightens 
the rainiest days. But stay inside for 
Playboys Original Movie, Sheer Passion, 
when a cop-turned-fashion model 
dishes out law and order with seduc- 
tion and grace. Then Juli Ashton 
brings the irreverent charm you love 
from Night Calis to Essentiaiiy Juli: 
Friends. You'll be teased and tanta- 
lized to the core! Next, a beautiful 
girlfriend gives an injured man the 
full treatment in the adult movie 
Broken Promises, And in the adult 
movie The Vengeful Heart a troubled 
couple attends a swinging social that 
leads to murder and betrayal. And 
finally, what better way to close this 
years books and relax than with 
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TON: THE 


GET DOWN! 


hether you're snorkeling off Bimini or cave diving 
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ANY JOY : 


"SEN E) 


GET DOWN! 


SeaVision's dive mask features a color-correcting filter that re- 
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JAMES IMBROGNO 


эмиг а HOW TO BUY ON PAGE TED. 


GRAPEVINE 


Linda Lets Loose 


LINDA LEE is a snowboarder, sky diver and belly dancer. You may have seen her on TV 
in Silk Stalkings, Renegade ot Pensacola, or on video in Hot Rods-Hot 
Bods. The legs have 


Watt Sheds Light 


MIKE WAIT has been pushing musical bound- 
aries for 15 years. His CD, the punk opera Con- 
templating the Engine Room, is his latest ef- 
fort. Catch his club act and savor his daring. 


Gwyneth Pops Out 

GWYNETH PALTROW can be seen in Hush 
with Jessica Lange and in the fall remake of 
Dial M for Murder, A Perfect Murder with 
Michael Douglas. Offscreen we found her in 
basic black, showing off her assets. 


Т It's Gotta Be je the КЖЕ 
BOOTSY COLLINS, funkster, bassist 
and George Clinton’s alter ego, has al- 
ways) dressed for excess. Check 

out in P-Funk or Bootsy's Rubber Band 
for attitude and latitude. 


Revealing 
Shannon 
Did you catch SHANNON 
MARQUEZ’ swimsuit segment 
on Extra? The Hawaii-based 
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site: bikinitropix.com. 
Click on. 


Gathering Moss 
KATE MOSS commands a runway, and we're grate- 
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last fall and also for Chanel this spring. Lord, do 
we love that see-through fabric. 


Tiffany 
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Texas Bikini Team 
member TIFFANY 
YEZAK appeared on 
the cover of Sport 
magazine and was 
a Page Three girl in 


% 1997. She's page 


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POTPOURRI 


THE SIN ALSO RISES 


Avarice, envy, gluttony, lust, pride, sloth and 
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GRAB A BITE 


No, Mike Tyson and Marv Albert aren't spokes- 
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RINGS ON HER 
FINGERS AND 
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HER TOES 


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HELLO, BABY FACE 


In the wake of cigars and martinis comes another smooth ritual: 
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TOBACCO MODE 


As far back as 1914, the Parisian firm Par- 
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The scent is fresh, settling into a base that 
hints of amber and musk— just like a vin- 
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costs $75. Call 800-218-4918 for info. 


SATURDAY EVENING PIN-UPS 


Known as “the Norman Rockwell of 
cheesecake,” pin-up artist Gil Elvgren 
created some of the most memorable cal- 
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Elugren: His Life & Art, the artist's first 
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wax АМ? 


4 cous SO 


OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL 
NAUGHTY DOLL 


Now that Barbie has been politi- 
cally corrected, Racy, an 11%” 
blonde stripper doll with realis- 
tic adult body features, is turn- 
ing Ken's head like a pinwheel. 
The “world’s first erotic fashion 
doll-adult action figure” (ac- 
cording to the maker, R.C. Inc., 
an Internet-based adult mer- 
chandising group) is number 
one in a series of limited-edition 
naughty dolls (a sexy nurse and 
a wet- T-shirt doll are in the 
works). Visit Racy at her Web 
site, www.racydoll.com, or call 
302-834-2215. Price: $30, in- 
cluding tiny play money to tuck 
into her teeny-weeny G-string. 


LEAGUES OF THEIR OWN 


Most of us recognize major league baseball uniforms past and 
present, but now Blue Marlin, a company in San Francisco, has 
duplicated much of the gear of the Latin, Negro and minor 
leagues. Pictured here: a Cuban Sugar Kings T-shirt ($29), a Ha- 
vana henley ($60), a Jersey City Giants hat ($30) and a New York 
Black Yankees zip-front sweatshirt ($75). All are on sale at Urban 
Outfitters, or call 888-258-6756 to order a catalog, 


LEGENDARY LEVINE 


Readers of PLAYBOY are familiar 
with the work of David Levine, 
whose black-and-white carica- 
tures have accompanied many 
personality profiles in the maga- 
zine, including John Holmes 
and Don King. Levine is also a 
prolific watercolorist and his 
works from the past five years 
will be exhibited at Manhattan's 
Forum Gallery, 745 Fifth Av- 
enue, May 13 to June 13. Pic- 
tured here is Past and Present, 
1993, a watercolor that's part of 
Levine's Coney Island series. 
The price: $27,000. Caricatures 
start at $3000; a $25 catalog can 
be obtained by calling Forum 
Gallery at 212-355-4545. 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


IT'S А BAYWATCH WORLD 


THE FABULOUS WOMEN OF BAYWATCH--SURF. SUN. 
SAND. SKIMPY SWIMSUITS. IT'S A BAYWATCH WORLD. 
CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL TENTH ANNIVERSARY TRIBUTE 
TO TV'S LUSCIOUS LIFESAVERS, INCLUDING OUR VERY 
OWN PAMELA ANDERSON LEE, MARLIECE ANDRADA 
AND CARMEN ELECTRA 


BARRY SCHECK—THE FIERCELY PASSIONATE LAWYER 
WHO DEFENDED O.J. SIMPSON AND THE BOSTON NANNY 
PRESENTS HIS CASE ON LOST SOULS AND DOING GOD'S 
WORK, AND TALKS ABOUT THE FIRE THAT TORE HIS FAMILY 
APART—PROFILE BY PAUL SCHWARTZMAN 


МАЅСАН —ТНІЅ YEAR'S DAYTONA 500 HAD PLENTY OF EX- 
CITEMENT, WITH ROUGH AND TOUGH DALE EARNHARDT 
BEATING BADASS JEFF GORDON. GEOFFREY NORMAN 
VISITS THE WILDEST PITS IN THE SOUTH 


PLAYBOY'S HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION— 
SEX, DRUGS. ROCK AND ROLL, BUNNIES, BOND AND 
WOODSTOCK. JAMES R. PETERSEN RECALLS THE SE- 


CUBA LIBRE 


DUCTIVE SIXTIES (WHAT REALLY HAPPENED DURING THAT 
BLURRY DECADE?) IN PART SEVEN 


THE NOTEBOOKS OF DON RIGOBERTO—A WOMAN WHO 
WENT TO EUROPE WITH ANOTHER MAN TELLS HER HUS- 
BAND OF HER AMAZING ADVENTURES—FICTION BY MARIO 
VARGAS LLOSA 


HOW TO PICK STOCKS—YOUR BEST BETS ARE—PENCILS 
READY—UNDERVALUED ONES. CHRISTOPHER BYRON 
REVEALS THE DOS AND DON'TS OF PORTFOLIO BUILDING 


PAUL REISER—THE QUIRKY COMEDIAN AND AUTHOR 
KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, BUT 
WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR HIS COMIC MUSINGS ON SEIN- 
FELD, HELEN HUNT AND HIS FUTURE WITH NBC—A MAD. 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF 


PLUS: GIFTS FOR DADS AND GRADS, THE MINIDISC INVA- 
SION, A PICTORIAL TO BREAK THE ZOUNDS BARRIER. AND 
CUBA'S HOT EXPORT, MARIA LUISA GIL. 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 1998, volume 45, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chic ago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 19 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
176 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ ny playboy com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


Ym STILL NOT 


SLEEPING WITH you. 


| DRINE VERY 


EXPENSNE VODKA.
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