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74 


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KAREN 
MCDOUGAL 


IS JERRY SPRINGER 
FOR REAL? 

A HARD-HITTING 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


THE TRICKS OF 
SPEED SEDUCTION 


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PLAYBILL 


THE ENVELOPE has been opened, and the winner is you—be- 
cause Karen McDougal, the overwhelming choice of our read- 
ers, is Playmate of the Year. A lucky 13 months after our last 
PMOY feature, Karen's pictorial will give you a big Mac attack. 

Panem et circenses: Jerry Springer is no pin-up, but he sure can 
win a popularity contest. With topics such as “I Slept With 251 
Men in Ten Hours,” the Jerry Springer Show oozed past Oprah 
in the ratings. In this month's light-free Playboy Interview, the 
only time Springer gets testy with reporter John Brady is when 
he explains how he paid for a prostitute (with a check). Then 
he knocks TV news anchors and says tabloid-style news shows 
hurt more people than his three-ring freakfest does. " 7 KALBACKER 

A few clicks away lurks the stealth bomb of the year: Come- 
dy Central's South Park, the show that made anal probes and 
gay dogs subjects for public dissection. Its creators, Trey Parker 
and Matt Stone, are players now, but will they succumb to the 
sanitizing effects of the media and Hollywood? Ain't happen- 
ing. According to “Pul Mr. Spielberg on Hold” by Steve Pond, the 
two of them toss around such words as dildo and pigfucker 
while toying with studio heads. Speaking of tasteless pro- 
grams, the only difference between The Daily Show and info- 
tainment is that the Daily is intentionally funny. We sent Wer- 
ren Kalbacker into the paint for 20 Questions with Daily Show 
host Craig Kilborn. A former NBA prospect, Kilborn says he 
kicks Rebecca Lobo's ass on the court and boasts about his 
tape of Monica Lewinsky in a high school musical. Jumanji! 

Seems the stuff people know about Ken Griffey Jr. is what he 
hasn't done—topped Roger Maris or won a World Series or be- 
come baschall’s Michael Jordan. He is merely the game's best 
player. Read Junior, a high and inside profile by bascball's best 
writer, Tom Boswell. A legend in another sport, Magic Johnson is 
the most famous person to acknowledge he has HIV. Now he’s 
taking it to the tube with a new talk show, The Magic Hour. Re- 
porter Scott Howard-Cooper reversed roles and played Q. to 
Johnson's A. for the article Magic. 

Maybe you've never heard of Ross Jeffries. After all, who 
needs help with picking up chicks? Not Peter Alzon. He fol- EDWARDS SHERMAN 
lowed Jeffries' advice on how to talk women into bed and sur- 
vived to write Speed Seduction (illustrated by Polly Becker). Alson 
isn't sure the techniques work, but he told us his "personal life 
has been unreal" ever since. We asked Gavin Edwards, author of 
the misheard-lyrics book When a Man Loves a Walnut, to as- 
semble Rock's Book of Love. It’s a song-by-song dating guide 
that teaches you to come on like Barry White, make love like 
Elastica and blow off exes like Alanis does. Little Blue Miracle, 
an article about Viagra by Carl Sherman, makes sure you can 
keep up with your libido. Viagra is the new impotence pill 
that could help millions of men—and women. It may be no 
cxaggeration to call it the sex drug. 

However you swing, we have help for you. In Secrets of the 
Swing, Lorry Olmsted names the best bat, tennis racquet and 
golf club and gives tips on how to use them. Or you can hit the 
sand in sophisticated beachwear. Our Swimsuits layout, shot by 
Chuck Boker, proves that you don't have to look like a kid when 
you're barefoot. 

To complete the issue, turn to another PLAYBOY tradition: a 
new James Bond story by Raymond Benson. In an excerpt from 
the novel The Facts of Death (Putnam), 007 encounters the 
deadly chemical agent sarin and a Greek secret agent, caryat- 
ic beauty Niki Mirakos. (English artist Phil Hale did the art- 
work.) Before you think Bond has more fun, check out our 
pictorial The Newton Girls, by the legendary Helmut Newton. It 
defies gravity. 


BENSON NEWTON 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), July 1998, volume 45, number 7. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian 
Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 5 


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vol. 45, no. 7—july 1998 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 


PLAYBILL .... 
DEAR PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. 
MOVIES . 
VIDEO 
MUSIC 
WIRED 
BOOKS 


HEALTH & FITNESS + E je Ұ өө ve 
MEN E. esse сете NT 8 E A ASA BABER 
WOMEN..... N eRe DAN ROSS CYNTHIA HEIMEL 
MONEY MATTERS A eee CHRISTOPHER BYRON 
MANTRA +... е TES 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM Та LES 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JERRY SPRINGER—candid conversation .. Meine 
MAGIC JOHNSON—article ................ SCOTT HOWARD-COOPER 


„BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


THE NEWTON GIRLS—pictorial .......................- moo hot. CC ETE 
THE FACIS OF DEATH—fiction .................. RAYMOND BENSON 
SWIMSUITS—fcshion. " ссе ........ HOLLIS WAYNE 


20 QUESTIONS: CRAIG KILBORN 
GET LOST—electronics................ EI atest A Р e 
SPEED SEDUCTION—article CT 4 +. + PETER ALSON 


DRIVING AMBITION—playboy’s playmate of the month... 

PARTY JOKES—humor elan sene تا‎ LESS 
ROCK'S BOOK OF LOVE—advice eee AVIN EDWARDS 
KEN GRIFFEY JR.—playboy profile ЗІ еее TOM BOSWELL 
SECRETS OF THE SWING—modern living ...... 2.002... «LARRY OLMSTED 
LITTLE BLUE MIRACLE—article a CARL SHERMAN 
“PUT MR, SPIELBERG ON HOLD“—anlicle.. STEVE POND 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—pictoricl. ......... 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY 

PLAYMATE NEWS ....... Bead rss APS 15707700 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE. 


COVER STORY 

Hotter than a firecrocker—that, of course, is Karen McDougal, Miss December 
1997 and our newly crowned 1998 Playmate of the Year. Our celebratory cov- 
er was produced by West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski and pho- 
togrophed by Stephen Waydo. The styling was done by Jennifer Tutor, with hair 
ond mokeup by Alexis Vogel. Our patriotic Rabbit, who never lets a parade 
poss him by, rallies around the flog. We ask you: Is this a great country, or what? 44. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 


KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL 
executive editors 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE 
associale edilor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID 
STEVENS editor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; 
DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER. 
CHRISTOPHER NAFOLITANO senior editors; вак 
BARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUNDGREN 
junior editor; CAROL ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDEL 
SON, HELEN FRANGOULIS. TERRY GLOVER, CAROL 
KUBALER. KATIE NORRIS, HARRIET PEASE, KELLI 
PHOX, LARA WEBB, JOYCE WIEGAND-BAVAS editorial 
assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE director; 
JENNIFER RYAN JONES asst. editor; CARTOON: 
MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH edilor; ARLAN BUSHMAN, ANNE SHER 
MAN asst. editors; REMA SMITH senior re- 
searcher; LEF BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, LISA ROB. 
BINS researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; 
ANAHEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, BRETT HUSTON, JOAN 
MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, CHRIS 
TOPHER BYRON. JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, 
LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS, CYNTHIA HEIMEL 
WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGEN. 
STERN. DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; SCOTT 
ANDERSON asst. art director; ANN SEIDL supervisor, 
heyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; 
JASON SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON, MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN senior editor. 
STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES. 
KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; DAVID CHAN 
RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD IZUI 
DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWNAN. POMPEO POSAR. 
STEPHEN WAYDA contributing photographer: 
GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chicago; 
BILL WHITE studio manager—los angeles; 
SHELLEE WELLS slylisf; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo 
archivist; GERALD SENN correspondent—paris 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION. JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI. TOM SINONEK associate manage 
BARB TERIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU fypeselters; Бі 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY А DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ Communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS, eastern ad sales manager; JEFF 
KIMMEL, sales development manager; JOE HOFFER 
midwest ad sales manager; iv KORKBLAU market- 
ing director; Lisa NATALE research director 


READER SERVICE 
KE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


LINDA STROM. 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERNONES rights € permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
cunistte HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


FAX 312 


9534 


E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


A BIG CUP OF JOE 
Michael Fleming's Playboy Interview 

with Joe Eszterhas (April) confirms what 
I've believed for years: The man's great- 
est creative gift lies in his ability to mar- 
ket himself. The most laughable com- 
ment is when Eszterhas characterizes 
best-selling author and two-time Oscar 
winning screenwriter William Goldman 
as a money-hungry sellout. As a strug- 
gling writer, I realize that no screen- 
writer or novelist ever bats 1.000, but the 
day Eszterhas starts knocking them out 
of the creative ballpark with anything 
close to Goldman's average is the day 
he'll earn bragging rights. 

Clay McBride 

Culver City, California 


The Eszterhas interview proves that a 
lowlife with a modicum of talent can 
achieve fame and fortune in Hollywood 
as long as he practices the three Bs: 
backstabbing, betrayal and bullshit. 

Arnold Ahlert 
Brooklyn, New York 


DO-BE-DO-BE-DO 
1 find David Halberstam's Sinatra at 
Sunset (April) interesting and puzzling. 
I'm aware of Sinatra's influence on and 
his contributions to American music, 
and, like Halberstam, I prefer Sinatra 
tunes from the Fifties and early Sixties. 
Sinatra was smooth and hypnotic and 
gave a song a swift kick when called for. I 
do, however, question Halberstam's need 
to inform his readers that he doesn't like 
Sinatra, the man. It doesn't matter if. 
Halberstam thinks Sinatra was sincere— 
though I believe Frank lived a lot of the 
stories he told in song. Sinatra's music is 
what counts. His heart and soul are 
there for the record, and that's all that 
matters to me. 
Francis Wood 
Farmville, Virginia 


I have followed Sinatra's singing ca- 
reer since his days at the Rustic Cabin 


outside Hoboken, and I have virtually 
every recording he ever made. When it 
comes time for a postmortem tribute, 
I hope PLAYBOY chooses someone else 
beside Halberstam to write Sinatra's 
memorial. 

Lanny Middings 


San Ramon, California 


Sinatra's music richly deserves the 
tribute by Halberstam, whose mastery of 
his craft matches that of his subject. 

Clarance Santos 
Adelanto, California 


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASA 
Congratulations to Asa Baber on the 
16th birthday of his column (Men, April). 
It's the first place I look every month, 
and I share many of the columns with 
my friends. I’m looking forward to an- 
other 16 years of great work from Baber. 
I won't be disappointed. 
Doug Lukauskas 
Plano, Texas 


Has it been only 16 years? It seems as 
ifthe Men column has always been an in- 
tegral part of PLAYBOY. Keep telling it 
like it is, Asa. And remember, if you're 
not living on the edge, then you're tak- 
ing up too much space. 

Mike Austin 

Dallas, Texas 


I want to thank Asa Baber for making 
me laugh and feel sad, for pissing me off 
and scaring the bejesus out of me. If he 
ever quits his job, I will lead the angry 
mob to his doorstep. 

Bill Doritty Jr. 

North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania 


Baber is funny and insightful as he 
writes from a “regular guy's perspec- 
tive." I like his column, but Baber tells us 
what we already know. Cynthia Heimel's 
Women column, on the other hand, gives 
us insight into the minds, hearts and 
souls of females. Heimel isn't politically 


“Mr Jenkins’ turn-ons 
include thunderstorms 
and well-mixed martinis." 


How refreshingly 
distinctive. 


PLAYBOY 


correct, and she's not death-to-all-sperm- 

carriers psychotic. Her column works. 
David Utt 
Norfolk, Virginia 


AW, SHUCKS 
I've subscribed to praysoy for more 

than 30 years. Your magazine is about. 
the only thing (with the exception of my 
wife) that has sustained my interest for 
so long. Over the years, PLAYBOY has іп- 
troduced me to Jean Shepherd, Shel Sil- 
verstein, lan Fleming, Lenny Bruce and 
Gahan Wilson, to name a few. Your arti- 
cles on fashion, lifestyles and gifts have 
always been first-rate. The monthly in- 
terviews have shown many people in 
a different light. I'm sure there are oth- 
ers who bave subscribed longer, but my 
enjoyment of the magazine is second 
to none. 

Richard Corso 

Merrick, New York 


WAT UP. 

It’s nice to see Jody Watley (April) 
making a comeback. But it's a sad social 
comment that silicone implants were es- 
sential to her return. We should all long 
for the era when talent, not silicone, cre- 
ated fame. 

Allan James 
Edmonton, Alberta 


I always knew Jody Watley was a fine 
sister with talent and a hell of a body. 
Now the world knows she's the dopest. 

Kelvin Gardner 
Dallas, Texas 


CASHING IN 
I'm a 26-year-old woman, a reader of 

PLAYBOY and an avid fan of Johnny Cash. 
I'm pleased that he's been inducted into 
your Hall of Fame (Year in Music, April). I 
fecl lucky to have scen him at the House 
of Blues in Los Angeles last October, be- 
cause the next night he gave his last live 
performance before his illness. Thanks 
for recognizing his pure talent. 

A. Fisher 

Anaheim, California 


THE WILD BUNCH 
According to Lori Weiss’ article The 
Return of Casual Sex (April), people are 
enjoying themselves despite the threat of 
sexually transmitted diseases. But I am 
shocked and frightened by the so-what 
attitude many of the interviewees have 
about unprotected sex. I hope your 
readers are smarter than that bunch. 
Mike Zaccherio 
Ridgefield Park, New Jersey 


BRAVA BRAVA 

Linda Brava (Brahms Bombshell, April) 
is just what the stuffy classical music 
scene needs. Beethoven, Brahms and 
Haydn, all passionate men, would be 
appalled to see the uninspired way in 


12 which their music is performed today. 


Linda's passion and beauty have put the 
life back into classical music. 
James Laure 
Oak Park, Illinois 


Linda Brava is incredibly talented. I 
was fortunate to have seen her New 
Year's Eve performance at the Mansion 
via the Playboy Cyber Club. 

Dominique Leger 
Brossard, Quebec 


T'd go to one of Linda Brava's concerts 
just to hear her play Heart and Soul. 
Please give us an encore of this beautiful 
lady with the violin. 
Mel Perry 
New York, New York 


As a classical musician (I play second 
keyboards for the Pittsburgh Sympho- 
ny), I was impressed with Linda Brava's 
pictorial. Unfortunately, your otherwise 


command performance was marred by 
the unnecessary and apologetic explana- 
tion regarding her short fingernails and 
indented lower jaw. A truc concert artist 
never ruins the audience’s joy of a par- 
ticular performance by calling attention 
to flaws, however small. 

Henry Doktorski 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 


If 1 had $4.5 million, I'd buy Linda a 
Stradivarius. She's an amazing woman. 


Greg Pressner 
Orland Park, Illinois 


AIRBORNE ERIKA 

Playmate Revisited with Erika Eleniak 
(March) prompted me to write. For a 
group of men facing the unknown in the 
days leading up to the Gulf war, Erika 
was more than just a pretty face on the 
cover of your magazine. My squadron 
and crew were deployed to Bahrain. 
Many of us were homesick and decided 
10 adorn our lumbering EP3 Orion with 


nose art, in remembrance of the World 
War Two bombers. As the crew artist and 
patch designer, I fiddled with many de- 
signs, fearing an attempt at painting a 
face. But I took a chance and sketched 
Erika's Baywatch cover (August 1990). 
Everyone loved it. With the image ap- 
proved, Buzz Covington, Jeff Richter 
and I spent a cold evening painting it on 
the side of our plane. We called it the 
Lady and we were proud. Thank you, 
Erika, and thanks to PLAYBOY for making 
life a little more bearable for us in uncer- 
tain times. 

Lt. jg. Christopher Lucas, USN 

Pensacola, Florida. 


GOOD GOLLY, MISS HOLLY 
PLAYBOY recognizes that beauty is not 
exclusive to one particular race or eth- 
nicity. I'm thrilled with Holly Joan Hart 
(Holly by the Bay, April), who follows in. 
the footsteps of multiracial Playmates 
Kimber West, Karin Taylor and Reneé 
Tenison. 
Mark Naeser 
Jamestown, New York 


NO BALLS 
What sort of man reads PLAYBOY? Well, 
this one—who carries a 185 average— 
knows that you have to release the bowl- 
ing ball sometime before you reach the 
foul line. The man who reads PLAYBOY 
and bowls in his evening clothes and 
socks (March) apparently has not learned 
this basic lesson. 
Donald Czarcinski 
"Toledo, Ohio 


AND THAT'S NO JOKE 
Your Ole Miss joke (April) is hilarious. 

We like it so much we want to invite you 
to visit the campus in Oxford, where we 
would treat you to a tour of William 
Faulkner's and John Grisham’s homes. 
And don't forget to bring your parents. 
We'll take them to one of the oldest 
churches in the mid-South and give 
them something that they have always 
wanted—a wedding with a marriage 
certificate. 

Joe Mercer 

Memphis, Tennessee 


COVER UP 
My best friend, who exhausted his ef- 
forts trying to locate the Rabbit on the 
April cover, bet me a quart of Jack 
Daniel's that I couldn't find it. I took the 
bet and now I'm asking for your ruling. 
I think the Rabbit is in the long blonde 
hair at the tip of Linda Brava's right 
sleeve. Do I win the Daniel's? 
David Graham 
San Diego, California 
Sorry, you lose. The clue is in the “Cover 
Story” caption: Linda and our Rabbit are per- 
fectly іп tune. Не is on the tuning peg, above 


the fingerboard. 
El 


Available At 


Pray Om Cue 


MUSIC- BOOKS" MOVIES 


SUNCOAST samgoody 


goti 


Pricing and availability subject to change wihout notice. TM, © & Copyright © 1998 by Paramount Pictures. АЙ Rights Reserved 
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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


NETWITS 


Every office has one—a joker who 
makes up Lettermanly top ten lists for 
parties, newsletters or interoffice samiz- 
dat. Now the Тор Five List on the Web 
(www.topfive.com) gives watercooler 
comics a public forum. Each day, editor 
Chris White solicits contributors and 
zaps a composite list (anywhere from the 
top five to the top 20) to subscribers. Our 
pick of the literate litter in the archives is 
the Top 20 Least Impressive Mafia Nick- 
names list. Among them: Vinny "the 
Cosmetologist" Scandaliotta, Leo "the 
Raging Codependent” Pacioni, Rocco 
“the Rotarian" Manera, Frankie “Right 
Turn on Red" Ragusa, Mario "the Ital- 
ian Scallion” Cipolla, Carmine “the 
y Swan" Carpecci, Nick 
rlucci, Tony “the Chia Pet" 
vano and our favorite, “the Hitman For- 
merly Known as Vince.” 


GARBAGE BIN 


Perhaps Shirley Manson, lead singer 
for the rock band Garbage, is trying to 
tell us something. She recently acquired 
a Fender Stratocaster and nicknamed it 
Rita. "She's all sparkly and orange," 
Manson told Select magazine, "and she 
just happens to be the color of my fan- 
ny." Before you wonder whether she is 
talking fresh-squeezed or sun-kissed, 
we'd like to point out that fanny has an 
entirely different meaning in Manson's 
native Scotland. It's a reference to her 
frontage rather than her behind, a 
thought that leaves us dewy eyed. 


A VOICE OF REASON 


We read with pleasure in Liz Smith's 
column the following excerpt from a let- 
ter to the editor of the New York Observer: 
“There seems to be no evidence that Ms. 
Lewinsky was ever in bed with Mr. Clin- 
ton. In holding the affair to unilateral 
oral limits, he showed terrific judgment. 
Given even minimal aptitude, the job 
can be done with dispatch. It's simple, 
efficient and relatively safe, thus showing 
commendable concern for the health of 
the nation’s leader. It wastes none of his 
valuable time on foreplay, achieves a de- 


sirable goal by peaceful and economical 
means and has him back at his desk, do- 
ing the people's work, in nothing flat. 
And that's what I call presidential." 


THE MORALISTS OF THE STORY 


A new collection of Aesop's fables re- 
veals that the celebrated oral historian 
had an earthy side. Aesop: The Complete 
Fables (Penguin), translated by Olivia 
and Robert Temple, contains a number 
ofthe Greek sage's allegories later bowd- 
lerized in translations by prudish 19th 
century Victorians. Finally available in 
English are the edifying tales of “The 
Camel Who Shat in the River,” “The 
Hyenas,” about a male hyena who at- 
tempts an unnatural act with his girl- 
friend and—God knows there's a lesson 
in this one—"The Beaver,” who chews 
off his own genitalia. 


SOY VEY! 


Turns out Michael Portnoy, the wrig- 
gling putz who wrote soy BOMB on his 
chest and upstaged Bob Dylan at the 
Grammy Awards, is technically not а sol- 
dier of the Soy Bomb Nation. Apparent- 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


ly, that distinction belongs to people 
made of stiffer tofu. The group has 
pledged to “destroy the cheese-encrust- 
ed Amerikkkan culture” and has posted 
its manifesto on the Net (www.hiphop 
music.com/soybomb html). To avoid fu- 
ture bombings, the world must meet 
several demands: The group wants the 
chance to hang the Spice Girls and Tara 
Lipinski by the ankles in a Turkish pris- 
on, an admission from Shawn Colvin, 
Sarah McLachlan and Paula Cole that 
they are the same person and an imme- 
diate halt to the playing of the Celine 
Dion song from Titanic. However, being 
a revolutionary can be dangerous. Just 
ask Portnoy. He acted much less profes- 
sionally than big Bob when Dylan fans 
showed up to jeer at Portnoy during 
a theater piece. The New York Daily 
Neus reported that the hecklers called 
the performance artist—who wore red 
tights, a feather boa and flowers—"soy 
bitch” and that he began chasing them 
around the theater. Portnoy's complaint: 
“They were just a bunch of jerks.” 


RIP-ROARING MARTHA. 


We think the editors of the Connecti- 
cut Yankee Energy System's annual re- 
port may want to clear the air after 
running this headline: MARTHA STEWART 
WARMS UP TO NATURAL GAS. 


POTSHTICKERS 


Harreson Waymen and John Taylor 
are making money off pot, and the law 
can't touch them. The two Canadians in- 
vented the Cultivation Game, a board 
game in which players try to grow and 
peddle marijuana, deceive their neigh- 
bors, avoid cops and keep moving. Since 
the shrubs (Vancouver lingo for latter- 
day hippies) put the game on the market 
last year, sales have exceeded 1000 units 
and are increasing. Dealers’ inquiries 
welcome; call 888-658-4618. 


GRANDFATHER COCK 


So what if he was 83 years old? Italian 
pensioner Nilo Silvi was still a man and 
single now, so he continued cycling and 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


QUOTE 
“You're no longer 
being ruled by that 
little guy with the 
German army hel- 
met." —CLINT EAST- 

WOOD ON AGING 


DOUGH RE MI 

Auction sale price 
of Julie Andrews" 
jumper from the 
film The Sound of Mu- 
sic: $29,900. 


OSCAR'S IN-LAWS 

According to cal- 
culations by Variety, 
the number ofawards 
events held by the 
motion picture, re- 
cording, television 
and related indus- 
tries in 1997: 252. 
"The number of vari- 
ous plaques, tro- 
phies, statuettes and 
mantelpiece items handed out: 3138. 


CHANGE IN CLIMATE 

Percentage of Americans who say 
it's morally wrong for an unwed cou- 
ple to have a baby: 47. Percentage of 
Icelanders who agree: 3. 


FALL INTO THE GAP 
Amount the average U.S. house- 
hold spends cach year on clothes 
for women and girls: $660. Amount 
spent on men and boys: $425. Num- 
ber of pairs of jeans in the average 
household: 14. 


CROSSOVER DREAM 
Number of Champion jog bras sup- 
plied to the Women's National Bas- 
ketball Association in 1997: 320. 


JOYSTICK JUNKIES 
Number of hours thc average 
American spent per week playing 
video games in 1990: 12. In 1995: 24. 
Projected number in 2000: 39. 


PET SNEEZE 
According to a report in Archives of 
Internal Medicine, the number of in- 
fections and diseases that cats and. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


According to the Interna- 
tional Facility Management 
Association, the two most fre- 
quent complaints that em- 
ployees make about their 
workplace are: (1) It's too cold 
and (2) It's too hot. 


dogs can pass to 
their owners: 30. 


GAME GRAMS 

‘The number of fat 
grams in a 100-gram 
medallion of beef: 
10. The number of 
fat grams in a same- 
size serving of buf- 
falo: 2.4. Number of 
fat grams in 100 
grams of ostrich: 2. 
Tn 100 grams of kan- 
garoo: 0.5. 


BLOCK PARTIES 

According to The 
Book of Mosts (St. Mar- 
tin's) by H. Aaron 
Cohl, the number of 
people per square 
mile in Manila: 
108,699. Number of 
people per square 
milc in Shanghai: 
70,449; in Cairo: 
63,373; in New York City: 23,310. 


TAKE OFF THE HAT, NUMBER TWO 

In a recent survey by Glamour, per- 
centage of men who boldly predicted 
they could pick their penis out of a 
lineup: 65. 


AGING GRACEFULLY 

Number of centenarians in the U.S. 
in 1960: 3222. Number of Americans 
who are currently over the age of 
100: 60,000. According to a Louis 
Harris poll for Ortho Pharmaceuti- 
cal, percentage of women who think 
they look younger than their age: 84. 
Percentage of men who say they look 
younger: 69. 


PICNIC NITPICKERS 
According to a survey by Orkin 
Pest Control, percentage of men who 
said they would eat food after a fly 
touched it: 69. Percentage of women 
who would eat fly-tainted food: 41. 


AIR CONDITIONED? 
According to the Environmental 
Protection Agency, number of hours 
in a day a typical American spent in- 
doors in 1995: 22. —1AURA BILLINGS 


working out daily to stay fit and trim. 
And it paid off. Reuters reports that a 
producer of adult films spotted Silvi in a 
disco and asked him if he'd like to per- 
form in X-rated movies, maybe even in 
a few group-sex scenes with beautiful 
young women. “Lt would be a pleasure,” 
Silvi replied. His only question was “Will 
I have to pay?" Assured that he'd be 
paid, he jumped at the deal—with one 
condition. “I won't use a condom,” he 
said. “At my age I could have problems 
with it. They're all young and healthy 
girls and, anyway, AIDS takes ten years 
to develop. I'll die first.” Yes, but with a 
big smile on his face. 


THE SUGAR BOWL SPEAKS 


We're into any book that bears the tide 
The Vagina Monologues (Villard), even if 
author Eve Ensler sometimes exerts her 
PC muscle too much for our taste. On 
the plus side, Ensler has fought censor- 
ship ever since the project began as a 
one-woman show. Newspapers, box of- 
fices and publishing houses have tried to 
shorten the title to The V-Monologues. 
We're happy to report that Ensler can 
boast of such celebrity endorsers as 
Whoopi Goldberg and Susan Sarandon, 
who gathered in New York recently to 
do a reading. The book offers tales of 
puritanical repression (a woman was 
burned as a witch because she had a 
large clitoris) and a list of answers from 
women who were asked the question, “If 
your vagina got dressed, what would it 
wear?” The perfect response, on page 
17, is “a slicker.” 


WHAT'S THE DATE ON YOUR BIER? 


"The millennium bug affects more than 
just computers. Many tombstones pur- 
chased in advance by married couples or 
families already have a handy "19" 
carved in the space provided for the date 
of demise. Experts in the field of monu- 
ment alterations say a professional patch 
job can cost an eerie $2000. 


LIABLE FOR STUPIDITY 


The campaign to save us all from im- 
becility continues to accelerate as manu- 
facturers strive to cover themselves 
against preposterous liability lawsuits. А. 
Massachusetts legal reform group has 
collected idiotic warning labels found on 
consumer products. A label on a can of 
criminal repellent reads "Pepper spray 
may irritate your eyes,” and the warning 
on a lighter says “Do not ignite in face." 
‘Then there's this classic, stuck to an air 
conditioner: “Do not drop out of win- 
dow.” New Scientist also made note of at- 
tempts at idiotproofing. Airline peanuts 
carry the message "Instructions: Open 
packet, eat contents,” an iron warns "Do 
not iron clothes on body" and a Swedish 
chain saw comes vith this advice: "Do 
not try to stop chain with hands." Espe- 
cially when you can use your head. 


PARTY ALL NIGHT 
PLAY ALL DAN. 


No purchase necessary. Limited to smokers 21 or older, 
Void in MA, MI and VA. See official п/85 for details. 


1 © Philip Morris Inc. 1998. 
M oro 18 mg “tar; 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FIC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


WIN A TRIP TO MARLBORO COUNTRY. 


No purchase necessary. Limited to smokers 21 or older. 
Void in MA, MI and VA. See official rules for details. 


16 mg "tar; 1.1 mg/nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, ature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


Marlboro 


C Philip Morris Inc. 1998. 


MOVIES 


By BRUCE WILLIAMSON 


LOOKING ALL grown up, petite Christina 
Ricci plays a precocious runaway named 
Dedee in The Opposite of Sex (Sony Clas- 
sics). Writer Don Roos (his screenplays 
include Love Field and Single White Fe- 
male) debuts as a director with this be- 
guilingly tangled tale about relation- 
ships. When Dedee flees Louisiana to 
live with her gay half-brother, Bill (Mar- 
tin Donovan), in Indiana, everyone's life 
gets complicated. Bill, a teacher, has in- 
herited money from his recently de- 
ceased lover and acquired a handsome 
new beau, Matt (Ivan Sergei). Dedee se- 
duces Matt, who decides he's not gay 
after all, while Matt's angry ex-lover 
charges Bill with sexual harassment at 
school. Harping about all the confusion 
is the deceased man's frigid sister, Lucia 
(Lisa Kudrow in a scene-stealing coup), 
who is finally warmed up by the local 
sheriff (Lyle Lovett). The plot becomes 
even messier—which must be Roos’ 
point in making this free-for-all comedy 
that rates commitment higher than mere 
carnality. УУУ 


"The latest and least of independent 
filmmaker Hal Hartley's efforts is Henry. 
Fool (Sony Classics). Movie newcomer 
"Thomas Jay Ryan docs justice to the title 
role as a loud, rough ne'er-do-well who 
rents the basement apartment of a house 
inhabited by Simon (James Urbaniak), 
a quiet garbageman, Simon's dotty old 
mother and his sex-mad sister, Fay (Par- 
ker Posey). Henry spouts literary refer- 
ences and helps Simon write a scan- 
dalous cpic poem. But it’s Simon who 
wins a Nobel Prize, while Henry turns 
out to be a fraud whose major achieve- 
ment is getting Fay pregnant. None of 
these events generates much humor or 
conviction. This time out, Hartley's way- 
ward suburban eccentrics seem more 
pretentious than those in his impudent 
earlier works. ¥¥ 


Jessica Lange, dressed down in bleak- 
ly austere period garb as the title char- 
acter of Cousin Bette (Fox Searchlight), 
makes her ulterior motives too obvious 
in this adaptation of a novel by Honoré 
de Balzac. Biting into a slice of unrequit- 
ed love and deception in 19th century 
Paris, Lange is the poor relation whose 
beautiful, dying sister (Geraldine Chap- 
lin) leaves her the responsibility of look- 
ing after their aristocratic clan, the Hu- 
lot family. Bette hopes to marry her 
bereaved brother-in-law (Hugh Laurie) 
but winds up his housekeeper instead. 
She subsequently takes an impoverished 
young sculptor (Aden Young) under her 


Ricci; A runaway success. 


Youngsters in a sexual jambalaya, 
dropouts in a drug haze and 
a soldier who falls for a leopard. 


wing but loses him to her pretty niece 
(Kelly Macdonald), then contrives re- 
venge by egging the sculptor into an af- 
fair with a stage actress (Elisabeth Shue). 
Shue strikes a totally wrong note of 
modernity in this vintage saga of a dys- 
functional dynasty, directed by Des Mc- 
Anuff in a lush production that never 
quite gels. ¥¥ 


Still another adaptation of a work by 
Balzac is Passion in the Desert (Fine Line), a 
bizarre, intriguing drama in French and 
English about man and beast. The man 
isa French soldier lost in the desert dur- 
ing Napoléon's disastrous Egyptian cam- 
paign of 1798. After the death of a 
companion (Michel Piccoli), the soldier 
befriends a wild leopard. Co-starring 
with an animal is no mean feat, but Eng- 
lish actor Ben Daniels brings it off with 
aplomb (and nerves of steel). While the 
cat tends to steal the show (even when 
Daniels is naked), Passion is an often fas- 
cinating adventure with strongly sexual 
overtones as man and leopard develop 
the touchy-feely relationship hinted at 
in the title. To reveal the ending would 
be unfair, but director Lavinia Curricr 
makes her first feature film a memorable 
experience, ¥¥¥ 


. 


Drugs are sniffed by most of the prin- 
cipal actors in High Art (October Films), 
winner of a screenwriting award at the 


1998 Sundance Film Festival. Writer-di- 
rector Lisa Cholodenko's downbeat tale 
of art photography and a misbegotten 
lesbian affair features Ally Sheedy as 
Lucy, a talented rich girl who has given. 
up taking brilliant photos to stay stoned 
with a woozy German actor named Gre- 
ta (Patricia Clarkson). Things change 
when Syd (Radha Mitchell), associate ed- 
itor of an arty photography magazine, 
comes up from the apartment down- 
stairs to complain about a plumbing 
leak. Soon, Syd starts urging Lucy to 
shoot new pictures while Lucy urges Syd 
to forget her sulky boyfriend and try 
some same-sex excitement. You sense 
nothing good will come of this, since 
nearly everything seems to happen in 
dimly lit rooms. Cholodenko's cast of 
worldly dropouts and druggies makes 
the pervasive ennui quite believable. Hot 
stuff at Sundance, but will it play in 
Peoria? YY 


On a nationwide TV talk show, Birdee 
learns to her shock that her husband, 
Bill (Michacl Parc), and her best friend, 
Connie (Rosanna Arquette), are in love 
and sleeping together. That’s the opener 
Of Hope Hoats (20th Century Fox), star- 
ring Sandra Bullock as the wounded 
wife and mother who packs up her. 
young daughter and runs home to 
Smithville, Texas. Despite feeling reject- 
ed, she begins to thrive under the wing 
of her delightfully eccentric mother 
(Gena Rowlands) and a former admirer 
(Harry Connick Jr.) from her days as a 
high school prom queen. Bullock hasn't. 
been so appealing since her break- 
through role in Speed, and singcr-actor 
Connick chimes in with strong down- 
home chemistry as the still-sizzling old 
flame. Directed by Forest Whitaker from 
a script by Steven Rogers, the movie 
would be better with less pathos about 
the kids involved (Birdee’s little girl, 
who misses her daddy, and a terminally 
cute nephew who lives with grandma 
while his mother makes a TV pilot in 
Los Angeles). And while it’s unfortunate 
that several huge dollops of sentimental- 
ity are a handicap, they don't sink Hope 
Floats. ¥¥¥ 


The title role of Charlie Hoboken (North- 
ern Arts) belongs to Ken Garito, but 
Austin Pendleton steals the movie as 
a conservative middle-class hit man 
named Harry who wipes out his marks 
as if he were checking off items on a gro- 
cery list. Cast as his equally eccentric 
wife, Tovah Feldshuh tailors her comic 
timing to director Thomas Mazziotti's 
daffy, dry-eyed screenplay. Garito plays 
it casual and straight-faced as Harry's 


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Obradors: Opening доо! 


OFF CAMERA 


Billed opposite Harrison Ford 
in the romantic comedy Six Days, 
Seven Nights, Jacqueline Obradors 
makes her bid for the big time as a 
latter-day Lana Turner. Like Tur- 
ner, who was allegedly discovered 
in a drugstore, Obradors was dis- 
covered while working as a check- 
out girl at a Malibu supermarket. 
A producer chose her to do a TV 
pilot, and she was on her way. Sev- 
eral forgettable movies and TV 
shows later, she finds her Six Days 
role enhancing her future pros- 
pects. "When I heard 1 got the 
part, I dropped the phone and 
screamed, then started crying. But 
when we got to Kauai, Hawaii to 
start shooting, Harrison was super 
cool and made me feel very com- 
fortable.” Obradors plays “a sort of 
showgirl-dancer," co-piloting Ford's 
plane until Anne Heche and David 
Schwimmer show up as an en- 
gaged couple. After a crash, Ford 
and Heche are marooned togeth- 
er, and Obradors and Schwimmer 
team up. "This is a love swap, ab- 
solutely,” she reports. 

Although Obradors auditioned 
for lots of special-effects epics, she 
thanks God she didn’t get the 
parts. “Besides just looking scared, 
there’s all that crazy shit you have 
to do. And Six Days has opened 
doors for me.” One door she'd like 
to pry open is a movie about tango 
dancing rumored to be on Robert 
Duvall's schedule. "He's terrific, 
and because of my Argentine roots 
I'm sure I could pick up the tango 
easily. Give me a few days' prac- 
tice, and I'll show you some stuff.” 
With plenty of stuff to show, Obra- 
dors says she’s had some “great 
meetings” but can’t predict what 
she'll do next. She's looking for a 
new apartment in Los Angeles, 
and she has no time for a serious 
relationship. "I'm not seeing any- 
one famous nor marrying anyone 
famous. Marriage is the last thing 
on my mind right now.” 


assistant—an insurance salesman moon- 
lighting as a hired killer. Charlie is an 
ambitious assassin who resents Harry's 
democratic approach to their assign- 
ments and longs to go after more pres- 
igious targets. “There's no money in 
killing poor people,” he complains. The 
movie has no real climax; it just sort of 
trickles out as a wickedly offbeat charac- 
ter study. ¥¥/2 


Noah Baumbach follows his promis- 
ing first feature (Kicking and Screaming) 
with a New York comedy titled Mr. Jeal- 
оозу (Lions Gate Releasing). Eric Stoltz is 
Lester, a would-be novelist romancing a 
spirited museum guide named Ramona 
(Annabella Sciorra), whose former lovers 
just won't disappear. The green-eyed 
monster eats at Lester, driving him in- 
to group therapy sessions (headed by 
Dr. Foke, played by Peter Bogdanovich) 
where he can check out at least one of 
Ramona's cx-boyfriends, a published 
novelist (Chris Eigeman). The lively dia- 
logue among Lester, Ramona and their 
friends (Carlos Jacott, Marianne Jean- 
Baptiste and Bridget Fonda in addition 
to Eigeman) makes Mr. Jealousy an en- 
gaging date movie, embellished by ro- 
mantic theme music from Francois Truf- 
faut's memorable Jules and Jim (1961). 
Baumbach spices up the usual palaver 
with wit and originality. ¥¥¥ 


Keep the Aspidistra Flying, a novel by 
George Orwell, adapted for the screen 
by Alan Plater and directed by Robert 
Bierman, has become A Merry War (First 
Look). It's one decidedly non-Orwellian 
tale co-starring Helena Bonham Carter 
and Richard E. Grant. A Merry War 
tracks the romance of an insufferably an- 
noying copywriter (Grant) who decides 
to abandon his job, his future and his 
girlfriend (Bonham Carter) to seek an 
unconventional life in the slums of Lam- 
beth. He stops being bohemian and rude 
only after he impulsively impregnates 
his girlfriend and decides that rejoining 
the humdrum world wouldn't be so bad 
after all. That's the movie—small in 
scope but pegged to please grown-ups— 
in a nutshell. ¥¥/2 


Awarded this year’s Oscar for Best 
Foreign-Language Film, Character (Sony 
Classics) is a dark Dutch treat by Mike 
van Diem. Fedja van Huet, who bears a 
striking resemblance to Robert Downey 
Jn, portrays the illegitimate son of an 
eminent banker. Though locked in a bit- 
ter love-hate relationship that ends with 
the son accused of his father's murder, 
neither ever openly acknowledges their 
relationship. This brooding, brilliantly 
photographed psychodrama deserves its 
special place in the winner's circle. ¥¥¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 
capsule close-ups of current films 
by bruce williamson 


Artemisia (Reviewed 6/98) Italy's art 
world invaded by a woman painter 
who dares to do nudes. LUZ 
The Big One (5/98) Michael Moore 
takes big business to task. y2 
Character (See review) Particularly de- 
serving choice for this year’s foreign- 
language Oscar. УА 
Charlie Hoboken (See review) A team 
of small-time hit men jousting on 
the job. EA 
Cousin Bette (Sce review) That's Jessica 
Lange as a shifty close relation. YY 
Clockwatchers (6/98) Trauma of office 
temps—don't bother punching in. Y 
Déja Vu (6/98) Killing lots of time with 
director Henry Jaglom and some of 
his showbiz friends. yy 
A Friend of the Deceased (6/98) A 
marked man somehow is able to get 
away with murder. Wr 
Henry Fool (See review) Comedy of 
bad manners and of Nobel Prize 
nonsense. yy 
High Art (See review) Lesbian liaison 
between stoned photographer and 
editor. yy 
Hope Floats (See review) Somewhat 
soapy, but Bullock manages to keep it 
from sinking. yyy 
1 Went Down (6/98) Green ex-con on a 
misbegotten Irish odyssey. yyy 
Land Girls (6/98) Pitching world war 
woo down on the farm while Eng- 
land's lads join up. Wy 
A Merry War (See review) London 
copywriter says по to success. ҰҰ/; 
Mr. Jealousy (See review) Out of his 
mind over her former beaus. yyy 
The Opposite of Sex (See review) A sex- 
ually precocious teen on the ро. ¥¥¥ 
Passion in the Desert (See review) 
French soldier meets leopard, and it 
looks like love. yyy 
Post Coitum (5/98) A mature French 
wife and mother keeps pining for her 
young lover. Wh 
A Price Above Rubles (6/98) Young Jew- 
ish woman defies Orthodoxy. ¥¥¥ 
Primary Colors (6/98) Deft mixture of 
sex and politics, with Travolta and 
Thompson looking like an ambitious 
couple we all know. УА 
Shooting Fish (6/98) Con artists and a 
stately home in England. Y 
The Spanish Prisoner (5/98) Campbell 
Scott in Mamet's dodgy thriller. ¥¥¥/2 
Wilde (6/98) The homosexual author, 
cruelly tried and convicted. yy 
Wild Man Blues (6/98) Laughs and mu- 
sic on Woody's jazz tour of Europe— 
and Soon-Yi tags along. Wh 


УЗ Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


“Mr. Jenkins uses the scent of the 
botanicals in his Tanqueray Martini to counter the 
unpleasant aspects of communal footwear." 


i 
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VIDEO 


"What's good 
on video?" asks 
David Spade, 
who plays the 
smarmy smart- 
ass Dennis 
Finch on NBC's 
Just Shoot Me. 
"My buddy told 
me to rent the 
movie The Hot 
Spot and just 
fast-forward un- 
til you see Jen- 
nifer Connelly naked. That's how deep my 
video viewing is." After that, Spade con- 
fesses, he enjoys pulling multiple copies of 
Black Sheep and Tommy Boy off vid store 
shelves, "just so people think my movies 
are doing well. ‘Wow, looks like they're 
sold out again, honey.” Spade says Butch 
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid could be his 
all-time favorite rental, with honorable 
mention going to anything starring Pacino, 
Hackmen or Newman. “But,” he says, 
"comedies are the most fun to sit through. 
It's my biz, after all, and watching them al- 
lows me to go into a jealous rage about 
everyone who's funnier than me." Which 
isn't a lot of people. — SUSAN KARLN 


VIDBITS 


MPI's The Voyage of La Amistad: A Quest for 
Freedom may not have that Spielberg 
magic, nor the jaw-dropping perfor- 
mance by Anthony Hopkins as John 
Quincy Adams. But what the documen- 
tary lacks in theatrics, it makes up for in 
credibility. The 70-minute history lesson 
provides the back story to Spielberg's re- 
cent retelling of the 1839 mutiny by 53 
Africans aboard a slave schooner off the 
coast of Cuba (see “Video Mood Meter"). 
It draws its narrative from court docu- 
ments, newspaper articles and personal 
letters, along with expert commentary 
by modern-day scholars. Charles Durn- 
ing and Brock Peters provide illuminat- 
ing interpretations of the story's major 
players, while the peerless Alfre Wood- 
ard narrates. Call 800-777-2223. 


VIDEO SHRINK RAP 


Psychiatrist Robin Williams helps rebel- 
lious janitor Matt Damon unleash his ge- 
nius in Good Will Hunting. Some other 
couch-potato couch sessions: 
Equus (1977): Richard Burton is troubled 
by religious oppression and sexual inad- 
equacy—and he's the psychiatrist, ex- 
ploring why an unstable stable boy has 
blinded horses. 


22 The Man Who Loved Women (1983): Man- 


about-town Burt Reynolds is dating Kim 
Basinger and Marilu Henner—among 
others—and shrink Julie Andrews wants 
to know why. Co-written by director 
Blake Edwards’ real psychiatrist. 

An Unmarried Women (1978): Therapist 
gives jilted wife Jill Clayburgh a pre- 
scription for depression: Have a quickie 
or two, and call her in the morning. 
Ordinary People (1980): Suicidal WASP. 
“Tim Hutton hits the couch with Dr. Judd 
Hirsch in Robert Redford's potent fami- 
ly drama. Could the problem be traced 
to ice-cold mom Mary Tyler Moore? 
Nell (1994): Town doc Liam Neeson 
wants to study wild child Jodie Foster, 
but wrongheaded shrink Richard Liber- 
tini wants to make her his captive. 

The Snake Pit (1948): An early look at 
mental asylums finds crazed housewife 
Olivia de Havilland traveling the nut- 
strewn path to recovery—thanks to a 
doctor who is Jung at heart, 

Color of Night (1994): Paint it very black: 
Group therapist Bruce Willis beds mys- 
terious Jane March in a serious Freudian 
slipup. But it’s an unthrilling thriller. 
Dressed to Kill (1980): Cross-dressing psy- 
chiatrist Michael Caine helps find randy 
Angie Dickinson's murderer by looking 
deep within his weird self, Decent head 
game from Brian De Palma. 

The Prince of Tides (1991): Nick Nolte spills 
his guts and finds love on the couch of 
New York shrink Barbra Streisand. 

The President’s Analyst (1967): Having the 
Big Cheese on the couch is truly no pic- 
nic for first shrink James Coburn (who. 
steals the show) in this lampoon of polit 


co-spy flicks. It could be worse—it could 
be Clinton. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


From CAV Distributing come Cult Epics’ 
The Bettie Page Collection ($69.95) and 100 
Girls by Bunny Yeager ($69.95), two limit- 
ed-edition lasers crammed 
with pin-ups and 
vintage clips of og 
America’s most 
recognizable 
faces—and bod- 
ies. The Bettie 
platter includes 
scenes from the 
legend's three fea- 
ture-length Fifties 
burlesque films— 
Striporama, Vari- 
etease and Teasera- 
ma—as well as 
snippets from 
her 8mm and 
16mm classics. 
(Some of Bet- 
tie's wildest 
shorts—fetish 
and bondage sequences, 
catfights—were previously available only 
through mail order.) The Bunny Yeager 
retrospective features more than 200 
photos, plus archival footage from Bun- 
ny's career as a model turned glam pho- 
tographer. Six of the 100 women spot- 
lighted here are Playmates—including 
Lisa Winters and Bettie Page—and Yea- 
ger provides the disc's commentary. Call 
650-588-2228. —GREGORY P FAGAN 


As Good os И Gets (angel waitress Helen Hunt saves neurot- 
ic scribe Nicholson from himself; fluffy but filling), Tomorrow 
Never Dies (007 saves planet from mad media baron; Bros- 
nan's Bond ages nicely, Michelle Yeo! 


aboard slave ship; 
Spielberg), Kundun (lush, long Da 
sese; rich comera work, stock theatrics). 


Mouse Hunt (bumblers Nathan Lane and Lee Evans try to evict 
super radent; charming beyond mere kid stuff), Deconstruct- 
ing Horry (ex-lovers dissed in writers work catch up with him 
in life; Woady's best self-exam since Stardust Memaries). 


COMEDY. 


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POP 


SEAN LENNON'S debut, Into the Sun (Grand 
Royal), is influenced more by Antonio 
Carlos Jobim and Burt Bacharach than 
it is by his father. It's also damn good. 
"The music career of Sean's half brother, 
Julian, was stalled by the burden of be- 
ing the son of a legend, but Sean seems 
poised to build his own legacy. Melodi- 
cally, this is a smart, surprising and deli- 
cate 13-track collection. Recorded last 
year in a Manhattan studio and pro- 
duced by Lennon's girlfriend, Yuka 
Honda of the band Cibo Matto, /nto the 
Sun has a relaxed, intimate sound. 
The opening composition, Mystery Juice, 
moves from ballad to rock and jazz in- 
strumental im remarkably smooth se- 
gues. Two Fine Lovers and the title song 
are softly inviting, with exquisite mel- 
odies and harmonies, while Home dex- 
terously blends pop and rock. The al- 
bum ends with a funky jazz piece, Sean's 
Thene, that illustrates how much he's his 
own man. Even the expected vocal simi- 
larity to his father shouldn't distract lis- 
teners from Sean's individual vision. 

— NELSON GEORGE 


Maturity, motherhood and enlighten- 
ment can be tough on pop artists. So 
maybe what's most remarkable about 
Madonna's Ray of Light (Maverick) is that. 
it isn't half bad. Working with electroni- 
ca pro William Orbit, Madonna has or- 
ganized a greatsounding album without 
resorting to instrumental clichés. And 
when she sings about sex (on the boy-toy 
Candy Perfume Girl and the spiritually 
needy Skin) she doesn't let us down. Still, 
it’s hard to trust that this synthesis of 
Hollywood insights and radio-friend- 
ly dance music will solve Madonna's 
biggest career crisis: What does an im- 
possibly famous person do for an 
encore? — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Fceling nostalgic about that great mu- 
sic from the Seventies? Think the Car- 
penters and Abba were underrated? 
Maybe so. But the Seventies were also a 
decade of schlock of the worst order. 
Slap on Seventies Party Killers (Rhino) at 
your next dinner party and watch your 
guests lose their appetites. See them gag 
over Billy, Don't Be a Hero, choke on 
(You're) Having My Baby by Paul Anka 
and pass out over dessert to the unbe- 
lievably smarmy Candy Man by Sammy 
Davis Jr. If those don't clear the room, 
nine other horrors are included. All of 
them were top-ten hits. —VIC GARBARINI 


ROCK 
Pilgrim (Reprise) may be the nadir of 


24 Eric Clapton's once great career. From 


Sean Lennon's Into the Sun. 


Lennon gets sunny, 
Madonna lights up and the Chili 
Peppers go undercover. 


the lounge singer's quaver in his voice 
on Broken Hearted to his phrasing on 
much of the rest, Clapton has never 
sounded worse. Even his guitar cannot 
rescue him, because it takes a backseat to 
electronic drumbeats. The first dozen 
tracks have a concept—a confessional 
suite about addiction and recovery—but 
they never come together. This can't be 
Clapton's true heart speaking. 

Michael Fracasso's World in a Drop of 
Water (Bohemia-Beat) establishes him as 
a great rock writer. Hospital is an anthem 
for anyone who has ever waited for a 
loved one to recover. On Started on the 
Wrong Foot, he depicts an adult Buddy 
Holly at work in a fast-food joint. Fracas- 
so sings like Roy Orbison, and he's good 
enough to keep up with Kelly Willis on 
Change Your Mind. — DAVE MARSH 


Both punk and alternative music often 
lack a decent groove and a respect for 
roots. The Red Hot Chili Peppers spice 
up their thrash with a healthy dose of 
funk. R.E.M. shows that punks can build 
on bittersweet Appalachian folk to make 
alternative music melodic as well as 
rough. EMI-Capitol has released limit- 
ed-edition collections by both groups 
that include rarities, remixes, live tracks 
and never-before-released material. The 
Essential Red Hot Chili Peppers: Under the 
Covers fcatures 13 examples of what the 
band did best—punk-funk covers of clas- 
sic songs, ranging from Robert John- 
son's They're Red Hot to the Hendrix- 


influenced remake of Stevie Wonder's 
Higher Ground. They even take on Elton 
John's Tiny Dancer, showing another vir- 
tue that is rare among punks—a sense 
of humor. R.E.M. in the Attic: Alternative 
Recordings 1985-1989 includes cight live 
recordings of such classics as The One I 
Love, Driver 8 and South Central Есіп, 
plus obscure covers and remixes. EMI's 
Essential Series also includes worthy col- 
lections by Blondie, the Beach Boys and 
David Bowie. But grab them fast. Each 
album will be manufactured for only six 
months, making them collector's items. 
—VIC GARBARINI 


R&B 


Morcheeba's Who Can You Trust? was 
one of 1996's surprises. The London- 
based trio's first album is one of the most. 
melodic, accessible releases to have 
emerged from the UK trip-hop scene. 
With its impressive second album, 8ig 
Calm (Sire), Morcheeba stretches beyond 
trip-hop, sounding morc like an alterna- 
tive band. Morcheeba's grasp of blues 
and funk—and the band's use of creative 
samples, loops and instrumentation show 
considerable growth without the band's 
having to alter its identity. Shoulder Hol- 
ster, Part of the Process and Fear & Love arc 
singles, though Big Calm will be best 
appreciated in long, laid-back listening 
sessions. — NELSON GEORGE 


If you think Percy Sledge and Billy 
Swan are one-shot wonders, you're 
wrong. Everybody knows Swan's / Can 
Help and Sledge's When a Man Loves a 
Woman. But for a full load of Swan's 
Southern hospitality, get The 8est of 8illy 
Swan (Epic/Legacy). And for Sledge's 
Deep South intensity, gct The Very Best of 
Percy Sledge (Rhino). —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


COUNTRY 


The reunion of the Flatlanders is the 
high point of The Horse Whisperer (MCA/ 
Nashville) soundtrack. Lubbock, Texas 
singers Joe Ely, Jimmie Dale Gilmore 
and Butch Hancock recorded one album 
in 1972 as the Flatlanders before em- 
barking on successful solo carcers. They 
re-formed as the Hill Country Flat- 
landers to sing South Wind of Sumner, a 
dramatic waltz they wrote for the Robert 
Redford film. Each of the 11 songs on 
Horse Whisperer echoes some truth about 
the American West. Other notable tracks 
include Dwight Yoakam's take on Tex 
Owens' 1943 Cattle Call (with Yoakam's 
yodels rolling across Tex-Mex accor- 
dions), George Strair's fiddle-heavy cov- 
er of Gene Autrey's Red River Valley and. 
Steve Farle's Me and the Fagle. Only a few. 


contemporary soundtracks corral the 
mood of a film as well as Horse Whisper- 
er does. — DAVE HOEKSTRA 


On House of Secrets, Mike Ireland cre- 
ates a seductive sound and lyric that 
come off as a male version of Ode io Billie 
Joe. Later on his debut album, Learning 
How to Live (Sub Pop), he and his band, 
Holler, recast Banks of the Ohio as if the 
old ballad had happened behind a steel 
mill. Ireland can sing anything from 
honky-tonk (Worst of All is right out of 
Webb Pierce) to torch ballads (Johnny 
Ray's Cry), although he makes a specialty 


of heartbreak. —DAVE MARSH 


FOLK 


Nobody has ever played the slagverk, 
the fogsvans and the mungiga better than 
Hedningarna оп Trä (Northside), its 
third CD. As Jimi Hendrix was to guitar, 
as John Bonham was to drums, as Miles 
Davis was to trumpet, Hedningarna is to 
these instruments. The three men ham- 
mer away with intensity while the two 
women sing and howl in Swedish. This is 
folk music for a rave, a Dionysian frenzy 
with a minimum of electricity and noth- 
ing verbal to distract you. 

What's That I Hear? The Songs of Phil Ochs 
(Sliced Bread), a two-CD tribute, revives 
28 songs by one of the Sixties most rad- 
ical folk singers. Ochs could write and 
sing with power about many subjects, 
but the political stuff (such as / Aint 
Marching Anymore, here covered by Arlo 
Guthrie) that was so topical then seems 
timeless now. А nice mix of older and 
younger singers perform with enthusi- 
asm. Listen to it before attending your 
next demonstration. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


CLASSICAL 


Bang on a Can's Music for Airports 
(Point) does more than reproduce Bri- 
an Eno's 1978 ambient classic. Using 
acoustic instruments, the chamber en- 
semble shows us a work of rare beauty. 

The delight in David Amram's Triple 
g Fish) is that you never 
know what's around the corner. À quar- 
ter century after this album's premiere, 
the references to Charles Mingus and 
Aaron Copland seem more obvious, but 
the music still surprises. 
iam Ch: won acclaim for his 
previous direction of a Rameau opera. 
With Les Fétes d'Hébé (Erato) he again 
demonstrates the majesty of the French 
baroque master. 

Violinist Rachel Barton has recorded 
a gen. Violin Concertos by Black Composers 
of the 18th and 19th Centvries (Cedille) of- 
fers an enchanting look at four virtuosic 
composers. Barton's playing is delicate. 
yet formidable—especially with the high 
classicism of Chevalier de Saint-Georges. 

—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


FAST TRACKS 


Christgau 


OCKMETER 


Eric Clapton 
Pilgrim 


Hedningarna 
Trà. 


Sean Lennon 
Into the Sun 


Madonna 
Roy of Light 


Red Hot Chili 
Peppers 
Under the Covers. 


8 7 7 Y 


SINK AND SWIM DEPARTMENT: You say 
you're not tired of Titanic? You will be 
after the tour, the soundtrack sequel, 
ihe TV special and the video re- 
lease—all due in 1998. The tour will 
feature a 30-minute suite of the 
soundtrack's composer's themes as 
well as Irish dance and chamber mu- 
sic from the film. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Sophie B. How- 
kins is the subject of a documentary, 
The Cream Will Rise. Along with new 
music, Cream features songs [rom 
Hawkins’ first two albums and an ex- 
amination of her personal life. She 
hopes it will be in е release about 
the time her next CD, Timbre, comes 
out... . The Mighty Mighty Bosstones 
have a song on the Meel the Deedles 
soundtrack GD, They're also on Ses- 
ame Street’s Elmopalcoza, singing the 
Zig Zag Dance with the Count. . .. De- 
spite threats from Kurt Cobain's music 
publisher, the documentary that 
caused so much hoopla at Sundance, 
Kurt and Courtney, will get national dis- 
tribution. Filmmaker Nick Broomfield 
has removed the music that Courtney 
found objectionable. . . . Sting co-wrote 
and performs the theme for Sharon 
Stone's movie The Mighty, due out in 
October. . . . Look for LL Cool J in the 
seventh Halloween movie with Jamie 
Lee Curtis and Adam Arkin. 

NEWSBREAKS: Billy Bragg and Wilco аге 
finishing up an album featuring nev- 
er-before-released lyrics by Woody Guth- 
rie. The lyrics were discovered by 
Cuthrie's daughter Nora. Bragg says 
they were written in the late Forties or 
early Fifties, and calls his project a 
"genuine collaboration between con- 
temporary artists and the original 
singer-songwriter." . . . If you are vis- 
iting the UK this summer and want to 
see where Kurt proposed to Courtney 
or where Paul used to walk his sheep- 


dog, you'll need the British Tourist. 
Authority's free pocket-size rock-and- 
roll map. . . . You have to love Grace 
Slick. A percentage of the royalties 
from White Rabbit are now going to 
PETA's campaign against the use of 
rabbits to test household products. . . . 
Look for a Verve tour of North Ameri- 
ca this summer. . . . Other summer 
concerts and festivals: Du Maurier 
Downtown Jazz Festival in Toronto 
(June 19-28); Mickey Hart, Bob Weir and 
Phil Lesh at the Further Festival; Jimmy 
Page and Robert Plant; the B52's with 
the Pretenders; Stevie Nicks solo; Alanis 
Morissette, Janet Jackson and Erykah Ba- 
dv joining the Lilith ladies. ... The 
American Bandstand trademark and lo- 
go will be used for the first time on 
CDs sold retail. Bandstand Music will 
develop and reissue compilations 
from nearly half a century of Dick 
Clark's rock-and-roll archives. . . . De- 
peche Mode is recording new songs for 
an as-yet-untitled singles collection. 
Discussions are also under way for a 
world tour—the group's first road 
trip in five years. . . . Levon Helm, Rick 
Danko and Garth Hudson are recording 
a Band album in Woodstock. . . . 
Maybe we'll all get lucky: Joni Mitchell 
toured the West Coast with Dylan in 
May. . . . The Elton John-Billy Joel Face to 
Face tour will be the subject of an 
HBO special at the end of June. . . . 
Bush is recording a new CD for late 
1998 release. . . - Fiona Apple told US 
magazine that when she was young 
she thought the coolest job in the 
world would be to write PLAYBOY's ad- 
vice column. She imagined the Advi- 
sor's office to be "a bunch of smart 
people who read a lot, sitting around 
reading through letters: "Why is ту | 
penis green?' 'How can I hook up my 
ca Fiona, we know the answers to 
both. Call home. — BARBARA NELLIS 


25 


WIRED 


CALL HOME—FROM 
ANYWHERE 


Whether you're on the North Pole or in 
Machu Picchu, it would be nice to carry 
one phone and have one number where 
anyone can reach you. That will be pos- 
sible with Iridium, a Motorola-backed 
global satellite communications service 
set to debut this fall. Because Iridium 
uses low-orbiting birds to beam pager 
messages and voice calls, its phones 
require less signal strength to make ra- 
dio contact and, thus, are much smaller 
than the suitcase-size satellite phones in- 
troduced a few years ago. And talk about 
versatile: If you're in a cellular mecca 
such as Paris, Iridium will attempt to 


transmit calls via land-based wireless 
networks before bouncing to satellite. 
This will save you some cash, as calls 
placed via satellite cost at least 25 per- 
cent more than cellular ones. You'll be 
able to rent the phones from dealers 
(fees will vary) or purchase them for up 
to $3000 each. — DAWN CHMIELEWSKI 


BIG BLUE GETS SMARTER 


If IBM has its way, the Jetsons-style 
dream home will become a reality for 
mainstream America, Under a new pro- 
gram called Home Director Profession- 
al, Big Blue teams up with contractors 
to construct computerized intelligent 
homes. A spin-off of IBM's Home Direc- 
tor consumer software, which enables 
computer users to operate basic home 
appliances, lighting and security via 
their PCs, HD Professional provides 
contractors with parameters for building 
single-family homes and condos with a 
wide array of features. At the heart of 
IBM's smart home is a computer net- 
work that enables houscholds with mul- 
tiplc PCs to share printers, modems and 
other peripherals. More sophisticated 


26 home automation features include vid- 


co-monitored security systems that mim- 


plane's 15-volt power supply and con- 
ic your room-to-room lighting sequences 


verts it to whatever voltage your note- 


when you're away and computerized ,book requires. (Xtend makes more than 
500 adapters for new and older laptops.) 


kitchens that keep inventories and make 
menu recommendations based on items 
in stock. Installing a system in a new 
home, which would include structured 
wiring, a computer network, basic light- 
ing controls and security, plus the ability 
to expand automation in the future, 
starts at $7000. --ВЕТН TOMKIW 


FLY THE JUICED SKIES 


You're trying to finish that report when 
your laptop battery drains in the middle 
of your flight. Don't sweat it—just plug 
the computer into your armrest. Several 
major airlines, including United, Ameri- 
can and Delta, allow passengers to tap 
into the plane's power source with a de- 
vice called the PowerXtender. This $100 
cable from Xtend Micro Products comes 
with two sets of plugs: one for the ciga- 
rette lighter in your car, recreational ve- 
hicle or boat; the other for an airplane 
armrest. A voltage regulator takes the 


Coll it saving face. Nexttime you're on one of those monthlong business trips from hell, 
use Sharp's Mobilon HC-4500 (pictured) to fire off an e-mail—complete with a photo 
ond voice message—to your main squeeze back home. This handheld computer with 
an optional digital camera card weighs 17 ounces, compared with about six pounds 
for the average notebook computer. And because it runs Microsoft’s Windows CE 2.0 
operating system, documents you create on the road are e: transferred to o PC. The 
price: about $1000 for the computer and $400 for the CE-AGO4 digital camera card. 
® Nintendo's Game Boy has been entertaining travelers for almost a decade—and it's 
about to get better. A Color Game Boy will 
hit stores this fall. Use it with the new 
Game Boy Camera, which turns the 
toy into a digital still shooter. You 
can't transfer pictures from a Game 
Boy Camera to a PC, but you will 
be able to print snapshots on 
stickers. Sound like kid stuff? 
Perhaps, but we can think of a 
few fun adult applications. No 
price yet on the Color Game 
Boy, but the camera is $50. 
* lomega's newest com- 
puter storage device, the 
$200 Clik drive, is about 
the size of a cellular 
phone ond stores 40 
megabytes of data 
on credit card-sized, 
disks that cost $10 
each. lomega has 
plans to make 
smoller versions of 
Clik avoilable to man- 
ufacturers of portable de- 
vices such os telephones, 
handheld GPS re- 
ceivers and digital 
cameras. --вт 


This option is currently offered to 
first-and business-class passengers on in- 
ternational and long-haul planes (mostly 
767s). But a two-year plan is under way 
to power up all domestic planes—in- 
cluding coach sections. Есу 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 150. 


* 1998 ледове соя, Une 


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BOOKS 


STREET HEAT 


Richard Price does a lot of research: ride-alongs with cops, in- 
terviews with pushers and knuckleheads, reportorial forays 
into the inner city—all of which helped him ground his last. 
novel, Clockers, in urban reality. His latest offer- 

ing, Freedomland (Broadway), 

is rich with the sort of street 
details, complex personae 
and pitch-perfect vernacular 
that suggests he’s kept up his 
cops-and-robbers ties and 
neighborhood credentials 
Freedomland is a tabloid-savvy 
whodunit involving a car- 
jacking, a kidnapping and 
the ensuing media frenzy. 
It is also a riff on race rela- 
tions in the abutting worlds 
of working-class whites and 
ghetto blacks in two New Jer- 
sey towns. What’s impressive 
here is how Price manages to 
keep such issues simmering 
mostly below the surface— 
where they belong—while his 
narrative does its dramatic 
work. If the book has a flaw, it's that it seems written more 
with an eye toward the screen than the printed page. This 
gives the prose an exceedingly visual, dialogue-heavy cast, 
like that of an elaborate movie treatment. Urban chaos is giv- 
en a different take in Robert Stone's Damascus Gate (Houghton 
Mifflin), a Jerusalem-based thriller in which mad bombers 
run loose in holy places. This novel rises above its genre in so 
many smart ways it ought to occupy its own category. Stone 
is simultaneously lewd, sensitive, plainspoken and deep; in 
short, the major talent we know him to be. Price's writing 
leans toward Hollywood; Stone aims higher. —sHANEDUBOW 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


Why clean up the mess in yaur hause when you can just look 
ot pictures of tasteful domestic order? DK Publishing has an 
excellent series of workbaaks designed to help you rear- 
range your living space—if you're eventually inspired to get 
off the couch. They offer plenty of ideas and solutions for 
design dilemmos. Storage, by Dinah Hall and Borbaro Weiss, 
might prompt you to diminish the clutter. One-Room Living, 
by Sylvio Kotz, offers hope to the urban besieged. Sorah 
Govento's Home Office will help you set up on attractive tox 
deduction. And Kitchen, by Johnny Grey, shows plenty of 


great gadgets and inventive ways to disploy them, The only 
problem: Where do we put the books? —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


DNINNVId ADVXOLS 


SPORTS SHORTS 


Now that baseball season is in full swing, search the AM dial 
for a doubleheader, kick back with a brew and peruse color- 
man Jon Miller's Confessions of a Baseball Purist (Simon & Schus- 


ter), written with Mark Hyman. Throughout his career, Miller 
has rubbed elbows with some of baseball's best-known person- 
alities, many of whom appear in this book. He devotes a chap- 
ter to Cal Ripken Jr., and Harry Caray receives his due as well. 
Currently host of ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball and announc- 
er for the San Francisco Giants, Miller combines a veteran's 
knowledge with a fan's enthusiasm. Or maybe golf is your 
thing. Its occasional tendency toward deification notwith- 
standing, Tim Rosaforte's unauthorized Tiger Woods: The Mak- 
ings of a Champion (St. Martin's) is an often 

insightful tribute to the game's boy > 

wonder. Now out in paper- —ÀÀ 

back, Rosaforte'sbookis ET 

short, as it should be. ( = 

After all, his subject's Ü PORTS DA : 

brief life hardly needs SPORIS DAY 

more. Another golf-ori- | 

ented tome with a less se- 

rious bent is Tom Cun- 

пей Hollywood on the Links: 

A Collection of the Greatest 

Celebrity Golf Stories of All 

Times (NTC/Contemporary 

Publishing). Joe Pesci cusses 

like a Goodfella on the links. 

Jack Nicholson is just as 

handy with his three-iron on 

the course as off. Dennis Franz is no 

pansy hump on the greens. Best of. 

all, the hundreds of anecdotes are in- 

dexed for quick reference, so you can 

spend more time practicing your putts, ІҒ 

the bloodless civility of golf makes you snore, pick up Sports Il- 
lustraled writer Richard Hoffer's A Savage Business: The Come- 
back and Comedown of Mike Tyson (Simon & Schuster). Much 


more than an account of the latest rise and fall of Mike Tyson, 
Hoffer's book is an astute look at the high stakes of heavy- 
weight boxing and its darkly comic side. A member of the me- 
dia once asked the boxer during a national conference call: 
"Mike, is there any truth to the rumors that you've got some 
eye injury, and, if so, is that from the effects of all those years 
—MIKE THOMAS. 


of Mace during sex?" 


MOTORCYCLE 
МАМА 

Motorcycles in mu- 
seums! Bottling bik- 
er books! Motocul- 
lure becomes high 
culture! Whot will be 
next? Leather tuxe- 
dos? BMW ond the 
Guggenheim Muse- 
vm are hosting an 
exhibition on the ort 
of the motorcycle 
[running from late 
lune through September) tho! will have every chief executive in 
‘America osking his wife's permission to park a 1939 Triumph Speed 
Twin in the foyer, or hong a 1911 Flying Merkel over the mantle. If 
you con't mcke the exhibition, buy the componion volume, Motorcy- 
cle Mania: The Biker Book (Universe). Or spend hours polishing the 
pages of Hugo Wilson's Encyclopedia of the Motorcycle ond The Ulti- 
mate Motorcycle Book (both by DK Publishing). —IAMES R. PETERSEN 


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ULTRA LIGHTS 


HEALTH & FITNESS 


WHATCHA REALLY, REALLY WANT 


If it’s sex, read on. A survey of 10,000 adults by the Universi- 
ty of Chicago has unearthed some interesting evidence about 
who gets the most sex. People who listen to jazz, for start- 
ers, have sex 30 percent 
more often than those 
who don't. Couch po- 
tatoes (men who 
watch lots of TV, 
especially PBS) 
report more sex- 
val activity. Ex- 
treme liberals get 
more than conser- 
vatives do, by al- 
most one third. If 
you pack a firearm you 
are in the higher-sex pro- 
file—and that goes for women, too. (Women who own guns 
are 15 percent more sexually active than those who don't.) 
Oh, yes—it helps if you make less than $30,000 a year, are un- 
dereducated, live in a trailer and smoke and drink. Don't 
blame us—we only report the facts. 


OPEN WIDE 


If you're one of the millions of Americans who duck the den- 
tist's chair, take heed. A new study at the University of Min- 
nesota adds evidence to the theory that people who have poor 
oral hygiene are at in- 
creased risk for heart 
disease. The bacteria in 
the mouth that cause 
gum disease can easily 
invade the blood- 
stream, which may in- 
flame arteries and clot 
blood. By blocking ar- 
teries that feed the 
heart or brain, clots can 
trigger heart attacks 
and strokes. You can 
prevent gum disease by 
brushing and flossing regularly and, of course, by visiting the 
dentist regularly. But hold on, dentophobes. Getting into the 
chair these days can be virtually pain-free, thanks to such 
technological innovations as the DentiPatch. No bigger than a 
paper clip, the DentiPatch releases an anesthetic into the 
gums. In five minutes you're numb—without a ncedle. Check 
ahead to see if your dentist uses it. 


Steve Martin does it the ald-foshianed way. 


THE RUG DRUG 


You've probably heard about the new miracle drug to cure 
baldness—Propecia. Unlike minoxidil, which is a topical lo- 
tion, th a once-a-day tablet that ups the number of scalp 
hairs. It fills in thinned areas, but doesn't stop a receding hair- 
line. Does it work? In a third of men tested there was signifi- 
cant improvement. The pill is intended for men only, and 
women must not use Propecia when pregnant or contemplat- 
ing pregnancy—birth defects may result. Early concern about 
loss of libido in a small percentage of men appears unwar- 
ranted. “I've never had a patient taking Propecia complain of 
sexual dysfunction,” says Dr. Jerome Shupack, professor of 
clinical dermatology at New York University School of Medi- 
cine. “On the contrary, they're delighted with their new hair 


32 growth. Propecia works 30 percent better than minoxidil.” 


The pills, which have been cleared by the FDA. cost consumers 
about $50 a month and are available by prescription only. 


HOT WORKOUT 


Looking for a change from the gym grind? Are you man 
enough for Pilates? Developed 70 years ago by German emi- 
gré Joseph Pilates, this exercise regimen has been the best- 
kept secret of famous women such as Madonna, Julia Roberts 
and Uma Thurman and men such as Patrick Swayze, Ralph 
Fiennes and Wimbledon champ Pat Cash. San Francisco 49ers 
have used Pilates. It's а mind- ечен шр; program 
that produces dramatic improve- г 
ments in posture, strength and | 
body shape. “A lot of guys just 
want to bulk up," says Pilates 
trainer Joseph Greco of Fitness 
Firm in Chicago. “But Pilates 
makes you a lot leaner and 
much more symmetrical, while 
taking inches off the waist and 
giving you that six-pack you've 
always wanted." A Pilates ses- 
sion combines floor exercises 
with a workout on equipment 
such as the Reformer, a wood- 
en contraption that tones 
through resistance with 
springs and cords. Pilates em- 
phasizes correct breathing, 
body alignment, balance and 
the muscles in the abdomen 
and lower back. It's not for 
wimps. As few as ten sessions should make a difference, boost- 
ing your energy level and even increasing concentration (a lot. 
of Chicago Board of Trade traders are Greco's clients). To find 
a location near you, dial 800-PILATES. 


Uma: body by Pilates. 


DR. PLAYBOY 


Q: I wish doctors would decide which diet keeps people 
disease-free and living longer. First it was low fat, then it 
was almost no fat. Any new information? 

A: Yes, but it's also confusing. A study reported in the 
Journal of the American Medical Association found that in- 
creased total fat intake actually reduced the risk 

of ischemic stroke—which is caused by 

a blocked blood vessel—in 832 

men whose health was tracked for 

20 years. 

Different types of fat fared differently 
in the study. Saturated fats (found in 
meat and dairy foods) and monounsatu- 
rated fats (in canola, nut and olive oils) 
were associated with lower stroke risk, 
while polyunsaturated fats (in fish and veg- 
etable oils) were not. 

But before you run out for a T-bone and 

cheesecake, a warning: The study in no way 
contradicts evidence linking the intake of 
high levels of saturated fat to heart disease. 
Lots of red meat and dairy may not give you 
a stroke, but they could still cause a coronary, 
Perhaps the best diet advice is the oldest: 
everything in moderation. 


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MEN 


D on't tell me you've never done it, 
stud, because I know better. At 
some point in your career, you were so 
desperate and lonely that you took the 
greatest gamble a man can take and 
agreed to go on a blind date. 

Maybe you were 14 and your Aunt 
Minnie knew a nice young woman who 
served tea at your aunt's bridge club. 
Maybe you were 25 and one of your golf- 
ing buddies had a friend of a friend who 
carne highly recommended (so to speak). 
Maybe you were 40 and recently di- 
vorced and a former business colleague 
said she had a mamacita who could tame 
your restless heart. 

"The point is, Mister There's-a-Sucker- 
Born-Every-Minute, you agreed to it. 
But at the moment you sealed your fate 
(and long before the appointed hour), 
you started a depressing dive into blind 
date hell that every man has experi- 
enced at least once in a lifetime, wonder- 
ing why you committed yourself to such 
a foolish venture. Whatever happened 
later, good or ill, it was the waiting that 
drove you nuts. 

To those of you who have been there, 
I say: Relax. Here on this page you will 
find the only protocols you will need to 
survive the blind date. Memorize them, 
live by them, and the gods of ecstasy and 
bliss will watch over you through all your 
dating days. 

(1) Reconnaissance is next to godliness. 
This is the first and greatest command- 
ment, but to show you why, let me ask 
you a simple question. Why is it called a 
blind date? Because you have never seen 
your date before, right? Maybe you 
talked to her on the phone. Maybe you 
exchanged e-mail. But you do not know 
how she actually looks as a woman, and 
therefore you are flying blind. 

Granted, you do not view yourself as a 
superficial person, and you have women 
friends of all shapes and sizes. But phys- 
icalappearances do count on a date. The 
question occurs: What are you going to 
do if she answers her door and you think 
she's her father? 

This is your biggest fear as you plunge 
into blind date hell: that she will be butt- 
ugly, bald as a bowling ball with copious 
leg hair and 60 tattoos on her face and 
neck. You tremble at the prospect. 

Again, I say: Relax, This scenario does 
not have Lo be a problem. To solve it, use 
your imagination and conduct a full- 


34 scale, all-out reconnaissance. All you 


By ASA BABER 


BLIND DATE 
HELL 


need is to see her before you date her. 

How? Here are some of my favorite 
tactics: (a) Put on clown makeup and de- 
liver birthday balloons to her at work, (b) 
slap on a vig and mustache and deliver 
flowers to her home, (c) contact your lo- 
cal police department and all federal 
agencies and get a copy of her file, (d) 
hire a U-2 to circle her block at 80,000 
feet and get some really cool pictures of 
her in her backyard, (e) stage an auto- 
mobile accident in front of her house so 
she'll run out to see it (but first make 
sure she's home). 

In other words, check her out before 
you pout. See if she’s passable. If s 
nightmare, then you get appen: 
and cancel the date. 

(2) If recon fails, don't go to jail; just be a 
male who knows how to bail. Maybe you 
thought you saw her but you screwed it 
up and tracked the wrong person 
Maybe you didn't have the time to run 
the proper recon. Or maybe you're a 
cheap bastard who won't spring for a few 
balloons or flowers or wrecked automo- 
biles and would rather take his chances. 
No problem. Your job—now that you see 
that she looks exactly like her father—is 
to bail out and live to date another day. 

How? Try these options: (a) Pretend to 
have a coronary and fall down at her feet 
(note: a high-risk ploy because she may 
know СРЕ), (b) say that you're really an 


auditor with the IRS and now you'd like 
to check her tax returns, (c) pull out the 
small jar of pig vomit you always keep in 
your coat pocket and spill it on your 
shoes while making retching sounds, (d) 
point toward the sky and ask her if she 
can see those big, red hoop snakes that 
have just flown down from the moon 
and are encircling the earth to smother 
all of us, (e) pick your nose and drool 
like a fool while you examine your 
boogers closely. (Don't forget to drink a 
lot of water, because drooling dehy- 
drates you rapidly. If boogers are in 
short supply, add green food coloring to. 
Vaseline and shove a wad of it up both 
nostrils. That trick has always worked 
well for me, I promise.) 

(3) What if you want in, not out? This is 
the showstopper. What happens if your 
blind date hell becomes blind date heay- 
en ina flash? What if she turns out to be 
gorgeous, and, as she opens her door, 
your perverted little heart goes boom- 
pety-boom? What if, in the first few sec- 
onds, you can tell that she is bright and 
witty and sexy, and the lovebug bites you 
right in your aorta and won't let go? 

In that case, do what I tell you, and in 
this precise order: (a) Announce in your. 
best Bogart voice, “OK, Slim, I read Asa 
Baber's Men column about how to get 
out of blind dates, so don't try any of 
those tricks with me, understand?" (b) 
ask her if you can come inside and stay 
for a couple of years (be prepared to bar- 
gain down from there, but don't accept 
any time limit less than an hour; any- 
thing shorter makes you look cheap, and 
a man has to keep his dignity), (c) ask if 
you can use her phone, dial a random 
number and pretend to be shorting 
600,000 bushels of Houston hard red 
winter wheat against future delivery in 
Kansas City (if she has a seat in the wheat 
pit, you're fucked, of course, but consid- 
er the odds), (d) take a deep breath, can- 
cel your plans for dinner at the local piz- 
za parlor and book a table at a good 
restaurant, (c) above all else, never for- 
get the words you might hear the next. 
morning as she cuddles with you after an 
evening of incredible intimacy and sexu- 
ality: “I'm so glad you can't tell I'm a 
transsexual!" Not that there's anything 
really wrong with that, of course. 


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WOMEN 


I: was the best of times, it was the sil- 
liest of times. 

It was the end of January 1998. Every 
TV station was all Monica, all the time. 
Revered newspapers reported on oral 
sex, in so many words. Anchormen and 
anchorwomen were discussing penile 
shape, blow jobs and perjury. My phone 
rang. It was my friend Hank. He was 
cackling madly. 

“This just goes to prove what I've said 
all along,” Hank said. “Never underesti- 
mate the power of the pussy. 

“Think of it. The president of the 
United States, the most powerful man in 
the entire world, sees a cute girl and he 
cannot bring himself to walk past her 
without stopping. 10 avert an interna- 
tional crisis, all he would have had to do 
was keep on going.” 

“Well, you know what they say in Tex- 
as,” I said. “The trouble with women is 
they have all the pussy.” 

Later that week, I went to my shrink. 
"Here's what I think,” I said. "I think 
that most guys want to fuck just about 
everybody. When a guy says he's not at- 
tracted to a woman, all that means is that 
he wouldn't crawl through two miles of 
sewer to fuck her. He would go half a 
mile, tops." 

"Well," she said pensively, "based on 
my 20 years of research and experience, 
I'd say that's pretty much it.” 

"Fat women?" I asked. "Skinny wom- 
en, old women, young girls, women with 
terminal cellulite, women with gigantic 
hair and tattoos?" 

“Don't forget all waitresses,” she said. 

“Fucking men,” I said. 

“Why are you feeling that?" she asked, 
of course. 

Because they're sneaky bastards! Be- 
cause I went through grade school, ju- 
nior high, high school and decades out 
in the world before I knew this. Because 
I have been insecure about my ankles, 
my tits, my tummy, my nose, my thighs, 
my fucking eyebrows. And my brain. 
Mainly my brain. I was afraid I was bor- 
ing them when they looked at me in that. 
slackjawed way. Now I know it wouldn't 
matter if I had been reciting multiplica- 
tion tables. Now I know they were just 
picturing me naked. 

Pisses me off. 

And meanwhile, guys have spent too 
many years wondering if women like 
them, if women want to sleep with them, 


36 worrying that maybe they will never, 


By CYNTHIA HEIMEL 


WHO WANTS 
TO GET LAID? 


сусг get to touch it again. 

To all you guys out there who find 
yourselves in an agony of insecurity, I 
have something particularly important 
to say: Keep worrying. 

Women are really picky. One tiny Little 
thing, like a pocket protector or an ascot 
(definitely an ascot), can turn off a wom- 
an forever. 

This doesn’t mean, however, that wom- 
en have less interest in getting laid. Pret- 
ty much everything a woman does is in 
the service of finding a man she wants 
to fuck. The salad eating. The agoniz- 
ing over paint chips. The face cream 
The self-improvement books. The air- 
popped corn. All details are crucial, in- 
cluding nail color (French manicure? 
Pink for innocent? Red for sexy? Blue 
for mentally ill? Matte? Metallic?). Be- 
cause when a woman finds a man she re- 
ally wants to fuck, she wants to keep him 
around. This is the hard part, the part 
that makes us buy self-help books by the 
stupefyingly moronic Dr. Laura. 

The only time women are not trolling 
for the ultimate cosmic fuck of their en- 
tire lives is when they go to flea markets 
or antique fairs. The purpose of flea 
markets and antique fairs is to let a wom- 
an stroll hither and thither without hav- 
ing to hold in her stomach. 

"The crucial truth is that the reason for 
every human's existence is to get laid as 


much as possible. You've heard of prop- 
agation of the species. Our bodies are 
simply vessels for our nasty, greedy 
genes, which want to trample everybody 
else's genes under their tiny gene feet. 
(Read The Selfish Gene, by Richard Daw- 
kins, and you will see Гтп right, except 
about genes having feet.) 

Ifone takes existence down to the bio- 
logical floor, one can easily see why cer- 
tain really annoying human patterns 
emerge. 

Who seems to have built all the build- 
ings, composed all the music, painted all 
the art, figured out carburetors, dug 
gold mines? Fucking men, that's who. 
Why? Because they wanted to get laid. 


1 Rock-and-roll stars? As Robbie Robert- 


son said in The Last Waltz, they're in it for 
the pussy. You think David Kelley writes 
17 television series every season because 
he enjoys hanging with network execs? 
He knew that it was the only way to get 
Michelle Pfeiffer into bed. 

Where does that leave us women? 
Screwed, of course. I won't even go into 
the patriarchy, with its women-as-chat- 
tel-who-are-not-even-permitted-to- 
learn-to-read-let-alone-own-property 
agenda. Fuck that, we're not there any- 
more. What about the fact that every 
time a woman writes a poem or builds an 
airplane, men give her the hairy eyeball? 
Women lawyers, doctors and chief exec- 
utives are, on a daily basis, knocked out 
of the way as men stampede toward 
cocktail waitresses. 

Women become intellectual and pow- 
erful despite the fact that this drastically 
lowers our chances of getting laid. This 
is so heroic and brave and unfair that 
it's no surprise that sometimes we get 
despondent. 

So we really enjoy a good, ironic laugh. 

А man works as hard as he can, steps 
on other men's heads, pulls himself up. 
by any bootstrap he can find so that he 
can have as many women as possible. IF 
he's really, really good at it, maybe he 
gets to be the president of the United 
States. Which means he is the alpha male 
of the human pack. His genes are raring 
to go, demanding to multiply. If he 
doesn't go after every girlish intern who 
bats her eyelashes at him, he is clearly 
out of his mind. And do we want a crazy 
man with an entire military complex 
at his disposal? 


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37 


MONEY MATTERS 


By CHRISTOPHER BYRON 


I s inflation really dead? The recent 
news that Donald Trump put a $17 
million price tag on a Manhattan pent- 
house that may have cost him no more 
than $4.6 million a couple years back 
makes you wonder. This month I'll sug- 
gest how you might make a buck out of 
inflation for rich folks. 

Wall Street's runaway bull market has 
fueled enormous increases in salaries 
and bonuses for Wall Street investment 
bankers, sports figures and entertain- 
ment celebrities—as well as in the values 
of stock options and similar perks for 
corporate executives. But there aren't a 
lot of new toys in the world for a rich 
man to buy that weren't available a de- 
cade ago. And what's the point in having 
a net worth with more digits than a 
telephone number if there's nothing 
to spend the money on? So we come 
face-to-face with what is taught in Eco- 
nomics 101 as a fundamental cause of 
inflation: too much money chasing too 
few goods and services. In this case, of 
course, only the rich get hit. The prices 
of those yachts and private jets and 
lizard cowboy boots just keep going up. 

Eager to cash in on opportunities 
among America's new class of overnight 
millionaires, the marketing geniuses of 
American business are again promoting 
the message that price is the best mea- 
sure of value. This pitch was supposed to 
have passed into history with the Eight- 
ies, but it's back, gaudier and more in- 
your-face than ever. Browse the news- 
stands and you'll see new magazine titles 
such as Millionaire (“The Art of Living 
Well") and Luxe—created to celebrate 
the notion that financial exhibitionism is 
again a legitimate art form. 

"Irump's ex-wife Ivana has plans for a 
cable TV programming service called 
the Fifth Avenue Channel. Its raison 
d'être: that rich folks now have so much 
money—and so little free time—that 
they'll actually buy $5800 Adler billiard 
tables the same way shut-ins buy zircon 
on the Home Shopping Network. 

By recent standards in the radioactive 
New York City real estate market, one 
might argue that Trump's $17 million 
asking price for his ten-room condo is 
downright reasonable. Other (arguably 
less impressive) New York apartments 
recently have changed hands for as 
much as $27 million. In an attempt to 
explain what would seem to be an utter- 


38 ly incomprehensible $27 million price 


HIGH-INCOME 
INFLATION 


for a duplex on Fifth Avenue a few 
blocks north of the Plaza, one real estate 
agent said: "It's the last status symbol, 
the confirmation you have arrived, to 
own a perfect place on Fifth or Park 
Avenue." But New York isn't the only 
place where trophy real estate has shot 
through the roof. Consider Sly Stallone's 
Miami mansion. Stallone paid $8 million 
in 1993 for what his real estate agent 
suggests was a 24,000-square-foot fix- 
er-upper set on 11.7 acres. Stallone put 
in a gym, some waterfalls and whatnot, 
and now has it back on the market for 
$27.5 million. "The land alone is worth. 
$15 million to $17 million," says the real 
estate agent. 

And we're not just talking real estate. 
Want a boat? The most prestigious rec- 
reational-boat builder in the U.S. is Hat- 
teras Yachts of New Bern, North Caro- 
lina. A decade ago, the biggest vessel the 
company built was a 70-foot cruising 
yacht. In 1994 the base price of such a 
vessel, new from the manufacturer, was 
$1.5 million. Hatteras continues to build 
the same boat, only now it's four feet 
longer and $1 million more expensive. 

“The trend is to get bigger and big- 
ger,” says Karl Kemppainen of Hatteras 
Yachts. During the Nineties, Hatteras 
developed a custom program and now 
builds monsters from 92 feet to 130 feet. 
in length. The base price is $8 million. 


It's simple to see why businesses are 
being drawn to the luxury end of the 
market. At the high end of the market 
you sell image morc than substance. 
That means your only significant new 
costs involve advertising and promotion. 

Consider the Halo 36 Total Digital En- 
tertainment Center, a product adver- 
tised in Millionaire. The ad doesn't list 
a manufacturer or distributor. Instead, 
the ad provides a phone number in Bryan, 
"Texas that is connected to an answering 
machine. The entertainment center it- 
self consists of a 50-inch ргојесбоп ГУ 
monitor, a CD-ROM, a desktop comput- 
er and some stereo speakers. You can 
spend $19,000 for this entertainment cen- 
ter as packaged by Halo, but the individ- 
ual components, if purchased separately, 
would cost nowhere near that amount. 

As an investor, can you make a buck 
out of this? Bcar in mind that the image 
business will probably boom only so long 
as the stock market booms. You can grab 
a little back eddy of the yachting market. 
by investing in West Marine Inc., the na- 
tion's leading distributor of supplies and 
accessories to the industry. The stock 
took a whack last year after West Marine 
ran into difficulties in its takeover ofa ri- 
val, but its future looks bright. 

If the upscale-resort game appeals to 
you, take a flier on Four Seasons Hotels, 
which operates hotels and resorts world- 
wide. Or, if expensive threads are your 
thing, there's Saks Holding Corp., own- 
er of Saks Fifth Avenue. You might also 
try Neiman Marcus Group, which oper- 
ates specialty retailing stores, including 
Bergdorf Goodman. And there's Stein- 
way Musical, the company that makes 
the pianos of the same name. Without a 
Steinway no rich person's home may be 
said to be complete—even if no one in 
the family can play it. 

These companies do well when folks 
have money in their pockets. And be- 
cause they depend on high-end clientele 
for their businesses, they do best when 
rich folks are spending fast. How long 
that situation will last is anybody's guess. 
But right now, high-income inflation has 
them spending like mad. So give it a 
shot. What the hell, it's only money any- 
way, right? 


You can reach Christopher Byron by e-mail 
ai cbscoop(Qaol.com. 


pov > 


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Beetle Juiced 


If you're looking for a traffic stopper, forget a Ferrari. Volkswagen's New Beetle took our grin meter to 
the max, rivaling the Plymouth Prowler in smiles per mile. Even though the new Bug looks os if it’s а 
2, runoway from Toys R Us, it drives like a real car. Bucket seats, a bud vase, a passenger grob-handle 
and o cramped backseat that converts to o hatch will take you back to VW's Herbie ero. But the four- 


nitely of the Nineties. Independent suspension borrowed fram the Golf allows you to toss the cor into a 
tight turn at speeds that would have toppled the old rear-engine model. (The motor is naw up front, and it's water cooled.) Choose 
from a turbo diesel model or—better still—one powered by a 115-hp four-cylinder engine that will get you from zero to 60 in 10.6 
seconds. ABS brakes and an automatic transmission are optional, as are several packages that include heated front seats, cruise 
control ond a leather-wrapped steering wheel. Base price for the new Bug is $15,200. A peppier 150-hp gas turbo model is due 
soon (ond there's talk of a convertible and an all-wheel-drive version), but you 
may not want fo wait. Order yours in red, white, black or yellow, or check out a 
metollic option in silver, bright blue, green or dark blue. 


The Eyes Have It 
Hot Town, Hot Wheels Want to read the Rogue Warrior series at the 
The Strip isn't Los Vegas’ only fast track. The Derek Daly Performance beach without having to remove your designer 


shades? Check out Optx 20/20 reading lenses, 
which consist af crescent-shaped pliable plastic 
pieces thot adhere ta any style of sunglasses. 
The lenses ($25 a pair) are reusable, come in 
six strength levels (+1.25 ta +3.0) and are 


Driving Academy at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway packs more of a rush 
than making your point at the craps tables at Caesars. Nemesis Formula 
SC99 race cars are the vehicles of choice. A variety of instructional pro- 
grams are available, ranging from the $475 Half-Day Formula Race Cor 
Introduction (“For those who just want to feel what it’s like to drive a sin- Қасы саран дер 
gle seater,” says Daly), to the Three-Day Gran 
Formula Race Car School (52195), where — 
you'll learn advanced car control, spend 
time on the trock's technique ovol and 
generally get the bejesus scured out of 
you. (When you graduate from the 
three-doy program, you can apply for a 
Sports Car Club of America regional li- 
cense.) But if you have only one day to 
spare, the abbreviated Formula Race Cor 
School (5895) is а smart buy. It gets you 
plenty of classroom instruction plus a mini- 
mum of three hours' track time on the. 
technique oval and road course. You'll ex- 
perience using the proper rocing line, 
downshifting correctly, braking properly 
and using the "heel-toe" technique. 


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PLAYBOY 


44 


WHEN YOU'VE GOT A FINE CIGAR IN ONE HAND, YOU DON'T WANT AN ORDINARY BEER IN THE OTHER. 
You deserve the smooth, rich taste of MICHELOB. & 


MANTRACK С (4 


Clothesline: Andy Richter 


Andy Richter is the sidekick on Late 
Night With Conan O'Brien, but when it 
comes to foshion he's no second ba- 
nana to his boss. Richter recently 
trimmed 55 pounds from his 62" frame, 
so he wos delighted when the show's 
stylist set him up with o personol shop- 
per ot Saks Fifih Avenue. His favorite oc- 
quisition: a wool double-breasted pin- 
stripe "gongster suit” by Cornelioni. He weors it with a 
muted-orange dress shirt from Ascot Chong ond a Krizia tie. 
that “looks like the trim on Heidi's lederhosen.” On his size- 
12EEE feet, Richter fovors the forest-green nubuck oxfords 

by Alfred Sargent he bought on sale at Tootsie Plohound in 
Make Ours a Martini Manhattan. For casuolweor, Richter just purchosed o pair of | 
block leather unlined ponts from the Leather Man on 
Christopher Street between Bleecker and Hudson in Green- 
wich Village (where “you con admire their nifty collection of 
sex toys while your pants are being hemmed") 


Since it was introduced in 1986, Riedel's Vinum line of 
mochine-blown wineglasses has been considered the definitive 
stemware for serving different wine varieties. Now that the 
mortini hos been resurrected, Riedel hos introduced the classic 
silver bullet gloss (pictured above) in 24 percent crystal. Price: 
obout $20 at fine wine merchonts notionwide. = = 


Seeing Is Believing 


Nikon is synonymous with cameras, but nat mony people know 
that its optics division has been around for BO years. To com- 
memorote its anniversary, the company has introduced o 
6x15 Porro prism binocular (near right). The exterior is iden- 
tical to the ariginal model's, but the optic innards аге con- 
temporory. A close-focus distance of only 6% feet mokes it 
ideol for sporting events, the theater or your fovorite gen- 
tlemen’s club. Price: obout $390. While the Porro prism 

celebrotes the past, another new Nikon binocular, the 

8x42 Venturer LX (far right), looks to the future with o new 

eyepiece lens design thot offers superior shorpness ond clarity as well 
оз o campletely flot viewing field. Its $2000 price is quite contemporary too. 


Swing Time Without the Schlenping 
Keeping Mr. Happy Happy Tiger Woods hos Fluff Cowens, but you have Golf Club Valet, the 


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problem by elevoting the a Titleist titonium driver, Cobra 
rider's position half on Ti woods, Cobro Il irons ond о 
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6 at Any Cost 


The United Stotes Croquet Association has 
more thon 3600 members, and none of 
them has ever been suspended for 
cheoting. "Nothing can be done to a 
checter, because strikers ore on an 
honor system," observes Michoel 
Mehas, one of the country's highest- 
ranking ployers. Offenses include dou- 
ble-topping the ball, or favorably ploc- 
ing a boll that hos rolled off the court. 
Etiquette olso requires quiet during your op- 
ponents’ turns. Thot hosn't kept Mehos, 
called the “bad boy of croquet," from medi- 
tative chanting on the sidelines. But the sport's all-white dress code 

is inviolable. Mehos was banned from USCA title events for a year 
becouse he strolled onto the playing field in black tennis shoes. 


The Wines of Summer 


When the temperature is worm and the mood is light, you may 
find yourself with o taste for a less demanding wine. While 
the oaky, complex French chordonnays are fine in cooler 
months, we prefer Bourgogne oligoté in July. It is the only 
nonchordonnoy white wine ollowed in Burgundy, and although 
it is a secondary grope variety, the wine is very pleasant when 
drunk young. Similarly, check out the sauvignon bloncs of the 
Groves region. The Chateou Carbonnieux, for example, is a 
crisp, elegant wine that hos a spicy choracter without losing 
its lightheortedness. When having seafood—including shell- 
fish—try o Sancerre from the Loire Valley or o steely Chablis 
villoge wine (the 1996s are exceptionally good). The French 
take the month of August off—they are experts 
at vacationing—and cases of these wines ore 
likely their only form of heavy lifting. 


Art of the Shell 


Dismantling and eating o boiled lobster is one of the greot 
joys of summer. Use the easy-to-follow blueprint obove to get 
the most out of the experience. There ore crustocean fanatics 
who suck the meat from the legs and sovor the green tomal- 
ley. But if you're that hungry, just order another lobster. 


WHERE L HOW TO BUY ON PAGE Si 


47 


> 
o 
а 
> 
< 
ы 
es 


“My older brother has a Harley. Mom told me his name is Dave.” 


When someone gets out in the dust and the wind and the country with a Har son’ motor- 
cycle thundering in their grip, theres no telling how far things will go. All we know for sure is, the 
road is infinite. Бога Harley dealer: 1-800-443-2153 or wwwharlcy-davidson.com.The Legend Rolls On 


THE PLAYBOY 


ADVISOR 


МІ girlfriend and 1 have been dating 
for 18 months. Three weeks ago, after a 
particularly good night of lovemaking, 
we began talking about what it might be 
like to be married. We both decided it 
was something we wanted. As soon as we 
announced the engagement, she began 
planning the wedding. Meanwhile, I've 
been preoccupied with doubt. The stress 
has paralyzed me; I can't sleep, and it's 
affecting my work. Before I asked her to 
marry me, I remember thinking, You're 
never going to do any better. Now, when 
I see a woman more attractive than my 
girlfriend, I think, Could I have her? 
I'm only 22, and I don't know if I'm 
ready to commit for the rest of my life. 
I'm also not one of those guys who tells 
himself, If it doesn't work out, we'll just 
get divorced. On the plus side, I trust. 
her and care deeply for her, and ours is 
the most open and honest relationship 
Гуе ever had. I'm so confused, and that 
can't be how I'm supposed to feel. Tell 
me how to know if this is right. —W.T., 
Baltimore, Maryland 

We'd be more concerned if you didn't have 
second thoughts. Marriage is a huge deci- 
sion. Your fiancée likely has similar doubts. 
Tell her about your concerus, and that you'd. 
like to extend the engagement. Your age, the. 
length of your relationship and the fact that 
great sex prompted the proposal all point 
to the wisdom of waiting. (If your fiancée 
doesn't want to discuss it, what does that say 
about your "open and honest relationship”?) 
Find à counselor who can help you both fo- 
cus on whai you want out of life and a life to- 
gether. Don’t be afraid that you'll “ruin 
everything” by speaking out; couples who 
discuss their fears about marriage often find 
that it strengthens the relationship. (Other 
times it ends it, but those are the stakes.) Fi- 
nally, don't ask your married friends for ad- 
vice. Most vill tell you they "just knew" their 
partners were "the one." They have faulty 
memories. 


WI, entire life 1 have been coping with 
the size of my penis. It's not the problem 
you'd think. I'm endowed to the tune of 
ten or 11 inches. This has always been a 
terrible inconvenience, especially when I 
try to conceal my penis under clothes, 
and I dread climbing out of a pool. It 
also cramps my sex life. Several lov- 
ers have said sex is uncomfortable or 
h makes me feel brutish. (1 
usually have to spend half an hour mas- 
saging their abdomens afterward.) Some 
women have refused to have sex with me 
after I've taken off my pants. My current 
girlfriend is five feet tall and weighs 88 
pounds. It is almost impossible for us to 
make love. I would like men who consid- 
er themselves inadequate to know that 
there is nothing glorious about being 


huge.—C.A., Virginia Beach, Virginia 

You're not the first guy with this problem. 
In the 17th century, a French doctor recom- 
mended that the well-endowed man wear a 
doughnut-shaped piece of cork at the base of 
his penis to keep him from bumping his part- 
ner's cervix. Given the present-day shortage 
of cork doughnuts, you may have to experi- 
ment instead with different positions. Your 
girlfriend may enjoy femoral lovemaking, in 
which she climbs on top of you and rubs her 
labia along your well-lubed erection. The 
woman-on-top position also allows her to 
control the depth of penetration. If neces- 
sary, place pillows under her knees to elevate 
her. Or use pillows to raise her hips as she 
lies on her back, which allows your penis to 
follow the curve of her vagina. In some posi- 
tions, you can place the tip of your erection 
into the space below the cervix known as the 
posterior fornix. Some couples report that 
this allows several more inches of penetra- 
tion. Given your experience, it may be hard 
to believe that some women like large cocks. 
In “Playboy's Real Sex” (800-423-9494), 
model Shannon Harinck notes that "there's 
something to be said for being filled all the 
way up." 


Every botte of wine I pick up has a 
warning on the label that reads "Con- 
tains sulfites." Are sulfites dangerous? 
Do they affect taste? The wines I've seen 
in Europe don't say anything about 
them.—R.E., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

A small amount of sulfur dioxide occurs 
naturally during fermentation. Winegrow- 
ers add a bit more, as they have for centuries. 
It breaks down into sulfites, which act as a 
preservative, keeping the wine from losing 
its flavor and color. Vintners are required by 
law to add the warning to bottles of wine sold 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


in the U.S. that coniain anything but the 
bare minimum. The ten-year-old law protects 
the relatively few asthmatics who react badly 
to sulfites. (The vast majority of people can 
consume sulfites with no ill effects.) А com- 
mon fallacy is that sulfites bring on the 
headaches some people get after drinking red 
wine, but reds have the least amount of sul- 
fites. White dessert wines have the most. 


A fer ending a stagnant four-year rela- 
tionship, I rediscovered my passion for 
giving head. I use several techniques. 
First, I lick my partner's testicles with 
slow, steady strokes, then take each one 
gently into my mouth, sucking and nib- 
bling. I then lick my way up his shaft, 
telling him how delicious he looks. As I 
become aroused watching him get 
aroused, I let him watch as I wet my fin- 
gers inside myself and wrap them 
around his erection, taking it into my 
mouth. While bobbing my head, I flick 
my tongue around and under the head. 
L also try licking his testicles while his en- 
tire penis is in my mouth. I alternate 
these techniques throughout the blow 
‚job, and that's where the problem lies. In 
the past, my partners told me which 
technique they liked best, and I used 
that steadily to make them come. When 
I ask my new boyfriend what feels ex- 
ceptionally good, he won't specify. He 
says he likes everything. I've always 
thought repetition of one technique 
leads to better climaxes. Am I wrong?— 
B.T., Fresno, California 

You sound all right to us. There's nothing 
more frustrating than having a. partner 
change positions or lose focus just when he or 
she has found a groove. That's why most peo- 
ple prefer constant pressure and repetition as 
they near orgasm. Your boyfriend probably 
dots too, but he's wise to keep you guessing. 
The question he wants you to ask yourself 
isn't "How сап I make him come?" but 
“How many different ways can I make him 
come?” Enthusiasm and variation are at the 
heart of your technique, and if he gives you a 
map, you may be tempted io take the same 
route every time. That's no fun, especially 
when you're with a woman who can deep- 
throat you and lick your balls at the same 
time (or at least enjoys trying). 


Can you shed some light on CD- 
Rewritable drives? Do they let you create 
your own audio CDs? If so, can they be 
played on a standard CD player?—K.L., 
Omaha, Nebraska 

We're waiting for rewritable karaoke be- 
fore we invest. You can record a compact disc 
with up to 74 minutes of music using а CD- 
RW drive. However, you won't be able to 
play it back on your car or stereo CD player. 
The reflectivity of a CD-RW (15 percent. 
to 25 percent) is far below the reflectivity 


49 


PLAYBOY 


required by a conventional CD player (40. 
percent to 70 percent). The immediate solu- 
tion might be to purchase a CD-Recordable 
drive. You can't record over a CD-R disc 
when you tire of your dance mix, but blank 
discs are much less expensive than rewrit- 
ables ($3 versus аһош $25). In the mean- 
time, expect to see more stereo components 
(such as one made by Philips) that record to 
CD-Rs and CD-RWs. If you purchase а CD- 
RW drive for your computer, be sure it offers 
packet writing. That allows you to save seu- 
eral files to the 650-megabyte disc, then add 
more later. Without it, you can copy info оп- 


ly to blank discs. 


Six months ago I met a 25-year-old 
woman who 1 believe is asexual. She's a 
virgin who denies ever having had sexu- 
al feclings. She's never touched herself. 
She says she has never wanted sex or 
even thought about it. She has an almost 
prepubescent view toward kissing, i.e., 
"That stuff is wet and slimy.” She says 
she never knew she was different until I 
brought it up. But I also think she's feel- 
ing the first tinges of attraction toward a. 
guy (mc). We hold hands, but kissing is 
still out. I have never met anyone like 
her, and I'm wondering if dating will be 
futile. What do you think?—ER., River- 
side, California 

We respect anyone's right to delay sex, but. 
to view kissing as “slimy” seems more igno- 
rant than innocent. Since you seem to enjoy 
this woman's company, we'll give her the 
benefit of the doubt. After lying dormant for 
so long, her sexuality might pack the punch 
of El Niño. Your patience and understand- 
ing could be what she needs to discover an 
important part of her life. On the other 
hand, dating her could be a long, frustrating 
experiment. If her claims are true (she may 
have been sexually abused as а child or expe- 
rienced some other horror), she has managed 
to turn away a force of nature. That's no 
small feat, Even the most repressed, antisex 
zealots manage to gel aroused once in а 
while, if only for procreation. You need to de- 
cide how important physical intimacy is to 
the relationship. If it is important, how long 
are you willing to wait? 


IM, wife heard somewhere that fre- 
quent intercourse can take years off a 
person's life. The theory is that rushing 
hormones speed up the aging process 
and knock down the immune system. Is 
that true? Please respond soon.—T.C., 
Green Bay, Wisconsin 

We've heard the opposite. Research sug- 
gests that the more orgasms а man has, the 
longer he'll live. As PLAYBOY reported іп 
May, scientists reached this conclusion after 
studying 918 middle-aged men from the 
Welsh village of Caerphilly. Between 1979 
and 1983 they gave each man a physical ex- 
am and included questions about how often 
he had sex. Ten years later the scientists 
found that the men who said they had sex 


S0 twice a week were half as likely to have died 


as those who had sex once a month. The re- 
searchers joked that “intervention programs 
could be considered, perhaps based on the ex- 
citing ‘al least five a day’ campaign aimed at 
increasing fruit and vegetable consump- 
tion." If you're tempted to use these findin, 
to get laid (“baby, I can’t live without you"), 
keep in mind that they may only prove that 
healthy people have more sex than sick peo- 
ple do. 


Im one of your Japanese readers. This 
past spring I was transferred to an office 
in Sendai, which is two hours from 
Tokyo by bullet train. My girlfriend lives 
in Tokyo with her parents, so it has nev- 
er been easy for us to date. The night be- 
fore I moved, we finally made love. She 
found a way to get out of the house and 
came to my farewell party. It was a won- 
derful night. Last month I returned to 
Tokyo on an overnight business trip. I 
called my girlfriend from the bar of the 
hotel. We shared a drink, and at one 
point I put my room key on the table. 
She looked puzzled. "Wasn't tonight just 
for dinner?" she asked. I told her we 
could order room service. She became 
quiet. I ended up sleeping alone, an op- 
portunity wasted. What was on her 
mind? Should I have asked her to stay in 
a different way?—L.R., Sendai, Japan 

Consider the situation from your girl- 
friend's perspective. She misses you. You 
come into town for a quick visit, and you 
want to see her. But there's a catch: You want 
to see her naked. There's nothing wrong with 
your desire to sleep with her, especially in a 
long-distance relationship where the oppor- 
tunity doesn’t present itself often. But your 
girlfriend felt uncomfortable with your not- 
so-subtle hint that you wanted her for a 
quickie in a rented bed. The next time you re- 
turn to Tokyo, ask to see her with no expecta- 
tions of anything but her company. (And 
have none, as difficult as that may be.) You 
might be surprised at what you learn about 
her and the relationship when you aren't in- 
tent on getting laid. You also may find she’s 
more open to sharing your bed if that’s not 
the only reason she’s there. 


Em a 25-year-old trucker, married, with 
three kids. What I need in the worst way 
are some erotic audiotapes. Since I'm 
away from home so much, 1 masturbate 
a lot. Do you know where I could find 
tapes of a sexy-voiced woman encourag- 
ing me?—ID., Las Vegas, Nevada 

We can offer a few suggestions, but only if 
you promise to keep both hands on the wheel. 
Aren't you overlooking the obvious? Record 
your wife describing what she would do with 
you if you were home, or what she's doing to 
you al the moment. Next, have her weave a 
‘few sexual fantasies. Add some sensual back- 
ground music, if that's your taste. (While 
you're at il, record а tape for your wife to 
keep her company while you're away.) You 
could also record the audio from a few adult 
videos and have your wife provide a play-by- 


play narration in her best "fuck me" voice. 
For. professionally produced. erotic tapes, 
contact Passion Press (800-724-3283). 


А couple of years ago the Advisor 
wrote about pills that could be taken the 
morning after intercourse to prevent 
pregnancy. Am I remembering that cor- 
rectly? Can I get an update? —A.G., 
Memphis, Tennessee 

We first explained emergency contracep- 
tion in February 1996. Since then, the FDA 
has approved certain birth control pills that 
can be used shortly after unprotected inter- 
course. Though more physicians are pre- 
scribing emergency contraceptives, a Kaiser 
Foundation survey of 1000 women under 
the age of 45 found that nearly 90 percent 
know litile or nothing about them. As we not- 
ed two years ago, there are several types 
available by prescription in the U.S. Birth 
control pills that contain estrogen, and mini- 
pills that contain progestin, can be taken in 
specific doses within 72 hours after sex. This 
inhibits or delays ovulation, reducing the 
chance of pregnancy by at least 75 percent. 
Alternatively, a copper IUD can be inserted 
up to five days after unprotected intercourse 
to reduce the chance of pregnancy by 99 per- 
cent. Keep in mind that these are emergency 
measures, and that some women experience 
side effects such as nausea or vomiting. 
Phone 888-NOT2-LATE or visit hitp://opr. 
princeton.edu/ec for more details. 


This is in response to the letters you've 
been running on fellatio. Whenever we 
were in bed together, my new boyfriend 
alternately begged for and demanded 
blow jobs. The more he begged, the 
more 1 refused. Finally, he gave up. Af- 
ter a few months I got curious. Since һе 
was no longer making an issue of it, I felt 
more comfortable experimenting. The 
look on his face afterward—like I was 
a goddess—hooked me. Patience is a 
virtue, guys. Just ask my boyfriend.— 
H.H., Indianapolis, Indiana 

In May, we asked women what men do 
right in bed. One told us, "They shut up." 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addiessed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocalive, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad 
visor@playboy.com (because of volume, we 
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Look 
for responses to our most frequently asked 
questions at www.playboy.com/fag, and 
check out the Advisor's latest collection of sex 
tricks, “365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life" 
(Plume), available in bookstores or by phon- 
ing 800-423-9494. 


| 
ЧҮҮ (ШШШ 


DON'T JUST HEAR IT 


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WITH THE HOTTEST NAMES IN ROCK IN THE SUMMER TOUR OF 
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FOR TOUR DATES AND INFORMATION, CALL TICKET MASTER OR 1-800-757-7626. OR CHECK OUT WWW.SOUTHERNCOMFORT.COM. 


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Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


ШЕН ШЕЗНІШ 7 


putting a price on sexual harassment 


ast year, the Equal Employment 
Opportunity Commission re- 


viewed 15,500 sexual harass- 
ment complaints. Only 3253 were 
deemed to have merit. In other 
words, only one in five lawyers knows 
sexual harassment when he or she 
sees it. The cases that reach a judge or 
jury do little to clarify the confusion. 
Why is a rape worth $165,000 and 
a crude remark millions? If money 
talks, what is it saying in these cases? 


sı 


Who: Robinson us. Jacksonville Ship- 
yards, Florida 

Why: When she went to work at a 
shipyard, the woman found herself 
being manhandled, fondled, verbal- 
ly abused and besieged by 
pornography. A judge held 
that if sexually graphic ma- 
terial offended her, the com- 
pany should ban it. 


$10,500/$1 


Who: Faragher us. the City 
of Boca Raton, Florida 

Why: A female lifeguard 
endured sexual comments, 
unwanted touching and 
crude insults from male su- 
pervisors. She received 
$10,500 from the men but 
$1 from the city because she 
had failed to give adequate 
notice of the problem. 


590,000 


Who: Mears vs. Cumberland County 
College, New Jersey 

Why: In 1995 a student had a kiss 
forced on her by a professor at a po- 
litical rally. She sued for harassment. 


$102,000 

Who: Richardson vs. CHI Institute, 
Southampton, Pennsylvania 

Why: The lone female in a techni- 

cal-school class was the object of lewd 

jokes, sexual innuendos and X-rated 

computer images. She quit school two 
months short of graduation. 


$165,000 


Who: Campbell vs. the City of Los An- 
geles and the LAPD 


By STEPHANIE GOLDBERG 


Why: A police officer was alleged- 
ly raped by a male colleague in the 
women's bathroom of the Los Ange- 
les Police Academy. 


$285,000 


Who: Shanes-Hernandez ws. Clemen- 
toni, et al., White Plains, New York 

Why: A male colleague of an office 
worker in the Westchester County Of- 
fice of Employment repeatedly waved 
his clenched fist in her face. He al- 
so grabbed her around the waist, 
pinched her and pounded loudly on 
the wall separating their offices. After 


male workers and customers. When 
the finance manager complained, she 
was told to put up with the behavior. 


$1 MILLION 


Who: The EEOC vs. Indiana Bell and 
Ameritech Corp., Indianapolis 

Why: Three women were harassed 
by a co-worker who exposed himself 
or rubbed his penis against them on 
a number of occasions. The EFOC, 
which represented the women, intro- 
duced evidence that 14 other women 
had been harassed by the same man. 


$1.1 MILLION 


Who: Barta us. the Honolulu Police 
Depariment 

Why: A female police officer 
claimed that a posse of nine 
officers pestered her for 
dates, tormented her with 
vulgar comments, physically 
and sexually assaulted her 
and showed her pornogra- 
phy. After complaining, the 
woman was dismissed. 


$4.9 MILLION 


Who: Reid vs. Brinker Inter- 
national, Inc., Dallas 

Why: A restaurant chain's 
director of research and de- 
velopment was harassed by 
her male supervisor. Accord- 
ing to the woman's lawyers, 
the man called her obscene 


complaining, the woman was the ob- 
ject of retaliation. She later resigned. 


$362,500 


Who: Haberman vs. the Colorado De- 
partment of Corrections 

Why: A prison guard was subjected 
to degrading comments and requests 
for sexual favors from co-workers. 
They led her to believe they would 
not respond to calls for assistance if 
she filed a complaint. 


$815,000 
Who: McQuagge vs. Hendrick Auto- 
motive Group, Oakland, California 
Why: A male sales manager at the 


Hendrick Automotive Group made 
repeated sexual comments about fe- 


names and made disparag- 
ing remarks, telling her and other 
workers to “bring their kneepads.” 
After she complained, her duties 
were reduced. The judge reversed 
the judgment, notwithstanding the 
jury's verdict. 


$6.9 MILLION 


Who: Weeks vs. Baker & McKenzie, 
Palo Alto, California 

Why: A secretary put up with ha- 
rassment from her bos: i i 
touching her breasts, 
her, being asked which breast was big- 
ger and having candy dropped in her 
blouse pocket. Other employees testi- 
fied that the man harassed them, i 
cluding a lesbian who said he had 
proposed a three-way in a hot tub. 


53 


54 


NO 
SSN 


[FO RU м] 
MR. NE 


SPORTING PROPOSITION HEEE 


the speaker wants to score for morality 


A nd you thought Newt Gingrich 
couldn't possibly come up with 
another boneheaded idea. 

The Speaker of the House has de- 
clared that our professional sports 
organizations—leagues, associations, 
tours and so forth—should automati- 
cally suspend for one year any athlete 
who tests positive for illegal drugs. 

The first conclusion we can draw 
from that is that Gingrich is not a bas- 
ketball fan. Suspend every NBA play- 
er who tests positive for, say, cannabis, 
and you will be able to drive the active 
roster to a game in a Land Rover. 
"There won't be enough players to suit 
up two teams when you get there, of 
course, but thar's the price you 
pay for meddling. 

And forget about snowboard- 
ing. a sport that—gosh—had 
shown so much commercial 
promise. 

Gingrich implied that such a 
draconian penalty is appropri- 
ate, given pro athletes’ status 
as role models to the nation’s 
young and not-so-young. “It 
seems to me you have to bear a 
certain responsibility as a star," 
said the star of the political 
right wing. Gingrich certainly 
set a good example with the 
House ethics violations that cost 
him $300,000 in 1997. 

But maybe he has a point. Af- 
ter all, it's not as if our profes- 
sional sports organizations put 
out any negative moral mes- 
sages, such as All Star second 
basemen spitting in the faces of 
uniformed officials, or basket- 
ball players resolving authority 
issues by strangling their coach- 
es, or America's Team doing its in- 
creasingly polished impression of a 
street gang. 

For the record, note that the Ging- 
rich proposal was announced during 
the same 24-hour period in which the 
Atlanta Falcons’ marquee linebacker, 
Cornelius Bennett, was sentenced to 
jail for sexual misconduct and the 
New England Patriots’ similarly es- 
teemed Dave Meggett was arrested 
for robbery and sexual assault. 

The fact is, of the serious social 
problems confronting pro sports, 
drug abuse ranks somewhere in the 
vicinity of faulty stadium plumbing. 


By BOB WIEDER 
The “wrong messages” conveyed by 
our athletic heroes are expressed not 
through covert use of illicit sub- 
stances but through flagrant violence 
and sociopathic abuse of other peo- 
ple, compounded by the attitude that 
their star status exempts them from 
accepted rules of conduct. 

In a nutshell, pro sports’ moral af- 
fliction is a case not of too many drugs 
but of too many thugs. 

And though Gingrich would prob- 
ably agree, don't expect him to make 
a big deal out of it. Unpleasant be- 
havioral excesses, such as choking a 


ees 
2 a 


ki 


\ PATI 
, ! (7 ” aN ! І AI 


coach or throwing an annoying bar 
patron through a plate glass win- 
dow, don't flick the switch with Ging- 
rich's core constituency. What does 
is its cherished and time-worn moral 
word-association: drugs mean hedo- 
nists mean liberals mean true evil. 

This quaint right-wing convic- 
tion—that a threat to their nitwit, 
narrow-gauge value system is more 
dangerous than a loaded gun—has 
given us alpha primitives convicted of 
assault and mayhem but walking out 
the door on probation because our 
prisons are overflowing with marijua- 
na farmers. 


Speaking of prisons, there's also 
the matter of how a zero-tolerance 
policy would actually work in pro. 
sports. Would it resemble the way 
zero tolerance works in our peni- 
tentiaries, where you practically have 
to be the warden to avoid getting 
loaded? Or would it be more like it is 
in public schools, where kids have 
been suspended for possession of Ad- 
vil, cough drops, mouthwash, Alka- 
Seltzer, lemon drops, breath mints 
and—I'm not making any of this 
up—a homegrown chili pepper? 

Odds are, the professional sports 
industry's implementation of zero tol- 
erance would be a blend of these two: 
the rule being routinely ig- 
nored but occasionally misap- 
plied—to some expendable 
second-stringer testing positive 
for poppy seeds—resulting in a 
flurry of lawsuits and lots of 
material for Jay Leno. 

"The line between drug abuse 
and pharmaceutical perfor- 
mance-enhancement is already 
blurred beyond recognition in 
pro sports. If you've found pre- 
vious league responses to “mis- 
behavior" amusing, you'll cer- 
tainly relish the first time some 
megabucks athlete. unlcashes 
his lawyers against league of- 
ficials and the bottle-knockers 
at their substance analysis labs 
who dared to threaten his 
livelihood. 

But wait, there's one more 
detail. Along with the man- 
datory one-year suspension, 
Gingrich also proposes that an 
athlete who tests positive be 
banned from his sport until he 
divulges the source of the drugs. “We 
have to make life very frightening for 
dealers,” he explained. 

Right. To some two-striker whose 
business enterprise includes turf 
wars, drive-by shootings and execu- 
tion-style murders, the idea of being 
ratted out by a point guard or short- 
stop is going to be terrifying. The 
only people likely to find life more 
frightening under Gingrich’s rules 
are the players and the team trainers. 
But hell, why should they be spared? 

For a multitude of us, life gets a lit- 
tle more frightening every time Ging- 
rich opens his mouth. 


Itis something of a miracle that the 
fate ofthe presidency hinges on sexu- 
al favors. The news of Bill Clinton's 
alleged dalliance with Monica Lewin- 
sky sickened me at first, especially 
when everyone (from the news media 
to the parents at my son's basketball 
practice) let the gossip drown out dis- 
cussion of all else in the world. I hat- 
ed the right-wingers for their byzan- 
tine plotting and opportunism. The 
Wall Street Journal pretty much called 
for Clinton's impeachment just hours 
after the sex-with-an-intern story 
broke. I hated Clinton's having to an- 
swer not-so-veiled questions about 


oral sex while hosting Yasir Arafat in 
the Oval Office. How absurd that the 
spokesman for a movement acquaint- 
ed with bus bombs and exploding 
passenger jets should sit in the White 


House as a state guest while the 
leader of the free world is nearly 
hounded out because he may or 
may not have had sex with a 
woman he gave a dress to. But 
when gossip about the affair 
overwhelmed news of a possible 
war with Iraq, medical insurance 
reform, organized-crime busts, 
the booming Dow Jones industri- 

al average, economic collapse in 
Asia and the spread of AIDS, I 
began to cheer up. Where else 

but in America are people so fat 
and happy and starved for politi- 

cal drama that a presidential blow 
job commands larger headlines 
than the Allied invasion of Nor- 
mandy? Real news leaves us bloat- 
ed, so we choose news lite. And then 
gorge on it. A country in which peo- 
ple don't suffer vapidity but embrace 
it is truly blessed. 

"To measure just how lucky we are, I 
looked at what citizens of other coun- 
tries worry about where their leaders 
are concerned. The evils of blow jobs 
didn't come up nearly so often as oth- 
er, more tangible forms of corrup- 
tion. In Southeast Asia and South 
Korea, political corruption has left so 
much debt that those governments 
are asking people to bring in their 
gold jewelry to pay off foreign obliga- 
tions. And that's the smallest sacrifice 


they will make. Poverty and hunger 
will be the heavier prices. 

For more than three decades, In- 
donesians have had to worry about 
their president stealing from them. 
In Indonesia, as in many other coun- 
tries, you don't need to ask about 
presidential sex habits to get thrown 
into jail or to disappear mysterious- 
ly. Saying something slightly critical 
of the ruling party will 
do. The Su- 
harto clan, 
which 
controls 
the lion's 
share of the 
economy, is ru- 
mored to have 
tens of billions of 


dollars in foreign banks. Pilfered for- 
tunes may not be as scintillating as 
stolen kisses; all the same I'm glad 
America's presidents haven't yet dis- 
covered the joys of Swiss numbered 
bank accounts. In places such as Iraq 
and Nigeria, mass executions are a 
bigger concern than sex scandals. In 
Bosnia and Serbia, the man on the 
street wonders when his political 
leaders (the ones who refuse to step 
down, even after being voted out) will 
be arrested for war crimes that in- 


clude genocide. While American par- 
ents wring their hands over how to 
explain adultery and oral sex to their 
kids, parents in countries such as Pa- 
kistan and Colombia must teach chil- 
dren to hide under the floorboards 
when the men in uniform show up. 

In Burma, locals worry that the 
government will enlist their sup- 
port—enforced at the end of a rifle— 
to build access roads through the jun- 

gle. Human rights groups claim 

tens of thousands of people, in- 

cluding pregnant women and 

the elderly, have already been 

put to the task. The roads will 

help service a pipeline owned 

and operated by military rulers and 

foreign partners. Incidentally, that 

enterprise should prove a bit more 

lucrative than the Clintons' soured 
real estate deals. 

"The leaders of Indonesia, Nige- 
ria and Mexico (where the former- 
president's brother and confidant is 
implicated in a murder plot) rou- 

inely deny any wrongdoing, which 

suppose gives them something in 
ommon with the Clinton admi 
ation. Pol Pot, the Khmer Rouge 

leader whose regime killed at least 

a million Cambodians, told an in- 
terviewer that he never did anything 
wrong. 

Granted, some, such as Republican 
congressman Dick Armey, believe the 
fate of nations ought to balance on 
sexual indiscretions. “My guess,” he 
told students at a Texas high school, 
“is that Clinton spends little time and 
effort pursuing anything other than 
his own physical comforts.” Given 
Armey's many pressing duties as 
House majority leader, I wonder 
whose attention is wandering. 

I have heard many people say they 
can forgive Clinton for his amorous 
adventures, but not for his lies to the 
American people. But I'd rather suf- 
fer his lies than those of a junta. 
When a U.S. president holds a news 
conference to tell the country, frankly, 
that he doesn't have a banker in the 
Cayman Islands, or that he isn't be- 
hind the death of the opposing par- 
ty's chairman, I'll start to worry. 


55 


56 


SOUTHERN EXPOSURE 

I read Chuck Shepherd's 
“Going Down Down South” 
(The Playboy Forum, April) with 
great interest, wondering why 
these sex laws were enacted. 
Was it to protect one partner 
in a relationship from being 
abused or forced into certain 
sexual acts against his or her 
will? Maybe. More likely, the 
hypocritical religious commu- 
nity has extended its reach be- 
yond the pocketbooks of naive 
followers and into the halls of 
local government. 

Imagine if these laws were 
vigorously enforced. Law en- 
forcement personnel would 
surely end up behind bars. Per- 
haps the reason for enacting 
such invasive legislation has to 
do with lawmakers' attempts to 
hide their own activities. Being 
sexually healthy is a blessing, 
not a crime. 

Joseph King 
Los Angeles, California 


Repressive sex laws often in- 
terfere in situations where no 
sex is involved. I live in Athens, 
Georgia and attend the Univer- 
sity of Georgia. Recently, I tried 
to secure a house for myself 
and a few roommates but dis- 
covered that a house cannot 
be purchased, rented or leased 
here without two or more of 
the roommates being from the 
same family. Since I've learned 
that the best defense against ig- 
norance is laughter, I need only 
look to my municipal ordi- 
nances for a daily dose. 

Sean McCullough 
Athens, Georgia 


HOSPITAL MERGERS. 

Stephen Rae's entire argu- 
ment (“Thy Will Be Done,” The 
Playboy Forum, April) hinges on 
the premise that hospital merg- 
ers decrease medical freedoms: 
"Who decides what kind of 
health care you will get? There 
should be only one answer: 
you." Rae failed to present one 


piece of evidence that would suggest 
that Catholic-run hospitals believe 


otherwise. 


I find it ironic that those who preach 


T THE 
"n 


ACLU DEFENDS NAZIS' RIGHT TO BURN DOWN ACLU 
HEADQUARTERS 


BUCHANAN WOOS GAY VOTE: “I PROMISE I WILL NOT 
INCINERATE YOU" 


CHRYSLER HALTS PRODUCTION OF NECKBELTS 


CIA UNVEILS NEW GHETTO DRUGS FOR 1998 


COMMUNITY LEADERS OUTRAGED OVER PORN VID- 
EO: “THIS TAPE CONTAINED NO 'ALL-ANAL ACTION’ AS 
PROMISED,” SAY CONCERNED PARENTS 


MASTURBATOR HELD FOR QUESTIONING IN SERIES 
ОЕ BRUTAL MASTURBATINGS 


NEW STUDY SHOWS PROGRESS MADE BY BROADS 


POSTERS OF NAKED WOMEN FAIL TO DRAW REAL 
NAKED WOMEN TO DORM ROOM 


— Headlines from “The Onion," a laugh-out-loud 
satirical newspaper based in Madison, Wisconsin 
and on the Web at www.theonion.com 


about lost freedoms see no problem 
with forcing Catholic-run hospitals to 
provide, at no cost, services that violate 
their religious precepts to individuals 


who have been irresponsible in 
their behavior. 

I suspect that if Rae were to 
set his biases aside and investi- 
gate hospital practices a bit fur- 
ther, he would discover several 
things: (1) that government 
regulation is one of the primary 
causes of both increased health 
care costs and decreased quali- 
ty of services, (2) that Rae's 
philosophically correct health 
care institutions might survive 
longer if they more closely fol- 
lowed the administrative exam- 
ple set by Catholic hospitals 
and (3) that freedom does not 
mean free of charge. 

Keith Martin 
Alpharetta, Georgia 


ABSTINENCE 

I thank Daniel Radosh for 
"Abstinence Ed" (The Playboy Fo- 
rum, February) which points 
out the absurdity of abstinence- 
only curricula. The $250 mil- 
lion, five-year federal program 
for sexuality education requires 
grantees to teach that absti- 
nence outside marriage is the 
expected standard and, in ef- 
fect, discourages instruction in 
medically factual information 
about STDs and birth control. 

"Today's young people enter 
puberty earlier and get mar- 
ried later. This means the peri- 
od during which they experi- 
ence sexual desire yet are 
expected to remain abstinent 
can last ten to 20 years. How re- 
alistic is this? 

Studies by the Centers for 
Disease Control and Preven- 
tion and others show that sexu- 
al intercourse has been experi- 
enced by almost 70 percent of 
12th graders (27 percent of 
them with four or more sex 
partners), by one half of eighth 
graders and by 28 percent of 
sixth graders. Predictably, this 
means there are high rates of 
unwanted pregnancy and sexu- 
ally transmitted diseases. In 
fact, two thirds of new STD in- 
fections each year occur in peo- 


ple under 25; one fourth occur in teen- 
agers. Genital herpes, one of the most 
prevalent STDs, is spreading fastest 
among young people and is five times 


more common among white teenagers 
than it was in the Seventies. 

Parents may say they want to be in 
charge of their children's sexuality ed- 
ucation, but the fact is that most of. 
them do not play this role. In 1995 a 
Gallup Poll sponsored by the American 
Social Health Association, a nonprofit 
organization dedicated to stopping 
STDs, it was discovered that two thirds 
of teenagers first learned in school 
about such diseases while only 12 per- 
cent learned about them from a family 
member. The high prevalence of STDs 
in young people and the fact that STD 
education does not take place at home 
make a compelling argument for com- 
prehensive sexuality education in 
schools, including but not limited to 
abstinence messages. Adolescents 
should be encouraged to delay sexual 
activity until they are ready, physically 
and emotionally, for sex and its conse- 
quences. But sexuality education 
should also teach adolescents about the 
prevention of pregnancy and STDs. 

The legislation tying federal dollars 
to abstinence-only programs is a politi- 
cally expedient action designed to pla- 
cate those who consider STDs and un- 
wanted pregnancy to be moral issues. 
This requirement is not only unrealis- 
tic, but highly irresponsible as well. 

Linda Alexander 
President 
American Social Health Association 
Research Triangle Park, 
North Carolina 


Abstinence-only education un- 
doubtedly focuses on thwarting het- 
erosexual sexuality, but what about 
the homosexual urges that no one 
wants to talk about? Shrouding sex- 
uality in secrecy not only leaves our 
young people ill-equipped to han- 
dle sexual responsibility, but it also 
encourages the repression that 
leads to deviant behavior like gay- 
bashing. 

Bob Haines 
Los Angeles, California 


RATINGS 

Congratulations on your criti- 
cism of the ratings systems from 
the Recreational Software Adviso- 
ry Council and Safe Surf (“How 
Do You Rate?” The Playboy Forum, 
March). But how many people 
are actually going to see Chip Rowe's 
article? Not nearly as many as are go- 


ing to see the RSAC and Safe Surf rat- 
ings on the Playboy Web site—placed 
on the home page, prominently 
enough to constitute an all-out en- 
dorsement. You rightly chided Safe 
Surf for rating pages with “homosexu- 
al themes,” but your Web masters went 
with the flow anyway and rated with 
the Safe Surf system. 

If Safe Surf were promoting a rating 
system that distinguishes between 
"same-race romance" and "interracial 
romance," there would be protests and 
boycotts. Few people would stand for 
it—no matter how many racist parents 
believe it's their right to shield their 
children from cultural crossover. So 
why do you endorse a system that 
treats gays that way? 

Bennett Haselton 
Nashville, Tennessee 


Rowe did a great job on the topic of 
Internet censorship. An article in the 
March 2 edition of the Chicago Tribune 
gave another excellent example of the 
silliness of these efforts. It talks about 
Illinois Republican senate candidate 
Peter Fitzgerald's campaign against 
"cybersin" and his assertion that it is 


the government's duty to censor the 
Net. But even as Fitzgerald issued such 
dire warnings, the article noted that 
Web surfers can access online nudity 
through a most unexpected source: the 
Web site of Harris Bankmont Inc., the 
banking company where Fitzgerald 
("pornography is a mouse-dick away") 
is a director. 

Dozens of Harris clients—Archer 
Daniels Midland, United Airlines and 
Times Mirror—have their own home 
pages with clearly marked hyperlinks 
so the viewer need only click on the 
name. Included on that list is the 
Playboy site, complete with a tour of 
the Mansion and other virtual treats. 

Now I'm proud to say I use a Harris 
Bank Visa card. 

Steve Migala 
Chicago, Illinois 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include your city and state). 


Offended by the presence of courtesan Phryne, newer members of 
the National Press Club want her removed, a request senior clubbers 
dismiss as "censorship unbecoming the fourth estate." 


57 


58 


555555 


landmarks in free expression 


002) 
alurday Night Live has always par- 
odied television news. On one 
Weekend Update aired during 

the Seventies, Jane Curtin and Bill 

Murray had this exchange: 

Curtin: The drive against pornogra- 
phy districts in major cities continued 
to gain momentum this week, as more 
demonstrations were held in New 
York. Bill Murray was on the scene at 
one of them in Manhattan and has an 
eyewitness report. Bill? 

Murray: Thank you, Jane. The citi- 
zens' committee to 
clean up New 
York City's porn- 
infested areas 
continued its se- 
ries of rallies to- 
day, as a huge, 
throbbing, pulsat- 
ing crowd sprang 
erect from no- 
where and forced 
its way into the 
steaming nether 
region that sur- 
rounded the glis- 
tening intersec- 
tion of Eighth 
Avenue and West 
42nd Street. And 
thrusting, driving 
and pushing its 
way into the usu- 
ally receptive neigh- 
borhood, the high- 
ly excited throng, 
which had now grown to five times its 
original size, rammed itself again and 
again into the quivering, perspiring, 
musty dankness, fluctuating between 
eager anticipation and trembling re- 
vulsion. Suddenly, the tumescent 
crowd and the irresistible area were 
one heaving, alternately melting and 
thawing, turgid entity, ascending to 
heights heretofore unexperienced. 
Then with a gigantic, soul-searching 
and heart-stopping series of eruptions, 
it was all over. Afterward, the crowd 
had a cigarette and went home. Jane? 

Television was an easy target. Those 
were the days when talk shows inter- 
viewed their guests beforehand and 


By DAVID STEINBERG 


9555099 


ran answers past a network censor. 
One sex expert recalls his appearance 
on The Mero Griffin Show in the mid- 
Eighties. The topic was going to be sex. 
"The network told him that he couldn't 
say the words oral sex or masturbation. 

"Fine," he recalls answering. "Blow 
job and jerking ofr OK?" 

Prime time, it seemed, would never 
be ready for sex, except in the most- 
coded references. 

But all that has changed. | never 
thought I'd see the day when Mike 


Wallace would utter the word pussy 
during serious television news, but 
there you have it. 

It was February 15 and 60 Minules 
was doing a background report on Ver- 
non Jordan, Bill Clinton's close friend 
and carcer coach for Monica Lewinsky. 
The report included extended duels 
between Wallace, ex-presidential 
counsel Lloyd Cutler and former Dem- 
ocratic National Committee Chairman 
Robert Strauss. 

Cutler and Strauss are also Jordan's 
close friends, or at least close enough to 
have the inside dope. 

At one point Wallace asked Cutler to 
comment on a Neusueek report on what 


N GS 


Jordan and Clinton had talked about 
when they played golf together, heart- 
to-heart buddies that they were. 

“Jordan said, “We talk pussy,” Wal- 
lace reported. Actually Wallace said, 
“We talk pu — ," because CBS 
bleeped half the word. But you didn't 
have to be a lip-reader to know what he 
was saying. 

Cutler didn't lose his composure in 
the least. But you could tell that Wal- 
lace had surprised him. He shrugged it 
off with a smile, saying only that Jor- 
dan and Clinton 
could talk about 
whatever they 
wanted to while 
playing golf. “If 
they have a cer- 
tain amount of 
locker-room ban- 
ter, or tell jokes to 
one another, who 
among us can cast. 
the first stone? 
You and I will 
tell one another 
jokes. That's talk- 
ing pussy.” The 
message was fun- 
damental and 
clear: Regular 
guys talk about 
pussy. Jordan and 
Clinton are just 
regular guys. 

Wallace, know- 

E ing he was on to 
something, didn't leave it there. Next 
thing you know he was talking pussy 
again—this time with Washington com- 
mentator Sally Quinn. He repeated 
the Newsweek story. There was that 
word again, on prime-time TV. The 
story had shifted from how amazing it 
was that Clinton and Jordan had talked 
pussy to how amazing it was that Wal- 
lace and Cutler had talked pussy on 60 
Minutes to how amazing it was that Wal- 
lace and Quinn were talking pussy. 

Wallace was into it, like a two-year- 
old child who has discovered the pow- 
er of shocking his parents by saying 
the word no. 

Quinn was into it too. “I'm nearly 


falling out of my chair right now be- 
cause you're saying it." 

“Its astonishing," Wallace said. 

“Nobody even flinches when you say 
it anymore,” Quinn observed. The Lew- 
insky incident, she said, has "certainly 
changed the rules of discourse," and 
changed how sex is talked about in po- 
litical circles and among the national 
press corps. Sitting together in the CBS 
studio, Quinn and Wallace shared a 
chuckle. 

Curtin and Murray couldn't have 
done it better. 

How did we get to this point? One 
watershed occurred when Lorena Bob- 
bitt took a kitchen knife to hubby John 
Wayne іп 1993 and the word penis 
made its way onto the nightly news 
without being bleeped. The word mas- 
turbation became popular on talk 
shows when Surgeon General Joycelyn 
Elders was forced to resign after pro- 


posing that sex ed classes discuss mas- 
turbation as a safe alternative to inter- 
course. Pubic hair joined the national 
vocabulary when Anita Hill alleged 
that Supreme Court nominee Clarence 
"Thomas joked about finding one on a 
can of Coke. More recently, Ted Kop- 
pel nearly choked on the phrase oral 
sex, warning his audience that the top- 
ic by its very nature is offensive. The 
president's alleged belief that a blow 
job is not cheating had people dis- 
cussing the boundaries of adultery. 

This seems to be the way that sexual 
territory expands in American culture: 
through the back doors of the various 
ridiculous sexual scandals, outrages 
and social panics of our infantile na- 
tional sexual outlook. 

Scandal is pornography for prudes. 
Associating sex, sin and sensationalism 
is as American as cherry pie. It allows 
the speaker to describe in detail per- 


fectly normal acts and body parts while 
at the same tire clucking his or her 
tonguc in solemn disapproval. 

But for all the disapproval and con- 
demnation, something almost healthy 
has occurred. The Lewinsky scandal 
returned sex talk to the office. It gave 
pussy and blow jobs places in the pop- 
ular culture—where they belong (it's 
hard to think oftwo things more popu- 
lar, if not more cultural). Suddenly it 
feels like everybody wants to loosen up 
about sex. Most people want to stop 
pretending to be nonsexual automa- 
tons. They want to acknowledge that 
sexual feeling and even so-called sexu- 
al indiscretion are parts of everyday 
life—from the basement to the board- 
room, from the bunkhouse to the 
White House. 

We're all human. Now let's grow up 
and get on with the things that really 
matter in the world. 


Shortly after Monica Lewinsky's 
name began to float around water- 
coolers, we asked visitors to the 
Playboy Web site—specifically, 
those who visited a Forum feature 
by James R. Petersen called “Sex 
in Washington: Playboy Visits 
Some Landmarks of the Sexual 
Revolution"—for their views on 
the nature of adultery. Over a two- 
week period, 
more than 2400 
surfers who vis- 
ited the article 
at www.playboy. 
com completed 
our unscientif- 
ic but insight- 
ful poll. (Anad- 
ional 600 or 
so people start- 
ed but didn't 
complete the 
poll. Did they 
feel that an- 
swering a poll about adultery was 
adulterous? Or did someone come 
in the room?) Not surprisingly, 
the respondents reflected the de- 
mographics of the people who fre- 
quent our site: overwhelmingly 
young and male. Seven in ten were 
under the age of 31, and eight in 
ten were men. Keep that in mind 
as you consider the results. 
Few of the respondents accept- 
ed what might be called the Clin- 
ton standard. About 90 percent 


felt that oral sex outside marriage 
is adultery. Accepting a hand job 
was condemned as well, by 73 per- 
cent. About the same number—72 
percent—saw adultery in visiting 
a prostitute. 

Technology has relaxed the ten- 
acity of moral outrage. About 40 
percent of respondents thought 
exchanging sex stories online or 
downloading explicit photo- 
graphs should be considered 
cheating. About the same percent- 


age felt getting a massage or 
watching an adult video fell into 
that category. About half believed 
that a person can commit adultery 
without having any physical con- 
tact. And more than a third (36 
percent) said masturbation can 
be adultery. Does that mean it's 
wrong to “love the one you're 
with,” even when you're alone? 
There was 
no consensus 
on the ques- 
tion of whether 
it’s better to lie 
about a one- 
night stand or 
come clcan— 
we recorded 
a 50-50 split. 
However, 60 
percent of re- 
spondents 
would allow a 
friend to use 
their apartment for an affair. 
Once a person strays, is there 
hope? About two thirds of respon- 
dents said adultery—however it 
might be defined—is a forgivable 
offense. A third showed less un- 
derstanding: They wanted cheat- 
ers sent to jail. Finally, 69 percent 
of respondents said they have al- 
ways been faithful to their part- 
ners, and 73 percent said they al- 
ways will be faithful. We'll see 
about that. 


59 


60 


N E W 


SE oR 


O ANE 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


LOOSE LIPS 


NORFOLK. VIRGINIA—Somelimes a kiss 
is just a kiss; sometimes it’s evidence. A 
peeping Tom got too involved in his work 
outside a neighbor's window and left a lip 


print on the glass. Police asked a suspect to 
provide a sample smooch, and the state 
crime lab said the prints matched. A judge 
sentenced the voyeur to five months in jail. 


PANTIES 10 G0 


HOUSTON— When. а city councilman 
asked the vice squad to visit Condoms & 
More, police found nothing to indicate 
that the store should be regulated as a “ех- 
ually oriented business.” So the council- 
man changed tactics: He sent the health 
department. When its inspectors discov- 
ered the sex novelty shop sold edible 
panties, they demanded $200 for a food- 
service permit. “If we're going to go to all 
this trouble,” the shop owner told a re- 
porter, “I should at least heat them up.” 


CRACK IN THE LAW 


RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA—A state 
appeals court, in overturning a convic- 
tion, ruled that mooning someone cannot 
be considered indecent exposure because it 
doesn’t reveal “private parts.” In July 
1995 Mark Fly pulled his shorts to his an- 
Мез and, according to court documents, re- 
vealed “the crack of his buttocks” and his 
"fanny" to a woman. The woman called 
police and Fly was arrested. Prosecutors 


have taken the case a step further, to the 
state supreme court. 


KINKY BUSINESS 


PULASKI, VIRGINIA—A jury ordered a 
chiropractor to pay $90,000 to a former 
assistant who said he massaged her pubic 
area through her clothes. The chiropractor 
told the 28-year-old that massaging mus- 
cles near her intestines would relieve 
her chronic constipation. The woman said 
she realized the treatment was inappropri- 
ate only after several sessions did nothing 
to help her problem. 


UNEVEN JUSTICE 


ROCKVILLE, MARYLAND—Talk about a 
double standard. After a judge sentenced a 
woman to just 18 months in jail for tortur- 
ing her boyfriend's five-year-old son, the 
woman's sister shouted across the court- 
room, “Ingrid, that’s a great sentence!” 
She was right. Two weeks later, the judge 


sentenced the boys father to eight years be- 
hind bars, saying he had a “higher duty” to 
protect his son. According to prosecutors, 
the woman tied the boy to a bedpost for as 
long as 22 hours a day and force-fed him 
whiskey and hot peppers. He was hospital- 
ized with liver damage. 


WHITE HOUSE SEX 


WASHINGTON, D.C—Senator Lauch Fair- 
cloth (R-N.C.) wants to outlaw the use of 
Web addresses that mimic those used by 
government agencies. He was incensed to 
learn that a porn site operates at white 
house.com, hoping to capture surfers who 
mistype the address for the official White 
House site at whitehouse.gov. 


FIRM AND DIRECT 


ST. JOHN, NEW BRUNSWICK—A judge 
ruled that telling a co-worker to “fuck 
right off” is not grounds for dismissal. The 
local YMCA-YWCA fired Violet Legere 
after she lost her temper with a fellow em- 
ployee. The judge ruled that Legere had 
been dismissed unfairly, and that she те- 
ceive 15 weeks of pay as compensation. 
“Fuck off” is just a forceful and intense 
way to say ‘Leave me alone," the judge 
wrote. He said Legere deserved credit for 
not adding a personal insult to her rebuke. 


SPEECH TESTS 


KENDALL, FLORIDA—Nine students 
from Killian High School spent a night in 
Уай after they distributed about 200 copies 
of a zine called "First Amendment," It in- 
cluded vulgarities, sexually explicit car- 
toons and a cover drawing of their black 
principal being shot through the head with 
a dart. Officials charged the five girls and 
four boys wüh illegal leafleting and com- 
mitting a hate crime. The ACLU says the 
students intended the zine as satire. 

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA— Police 
jailed rapper C=Bo for violating parole, 
saying his new album promotes illegal ac- 
tivity. One song suggests that a sheriff's 
department spokesman. be killed; another 
suggests drivers who are pulled over by po- 
lice “shoot ‘em in the face." The rapper was 
paroled after serving 15 months for firing 
a shot that killed a man. 


GOTCHAL TWICE 


ROME—An Italian senator proposed 
changing the way police ticket speeders af- 
ter a colleague suffered an embarrassment. 
Currently, police snap photos of the front- 
seat occupants of speeding cars, as well as 
the license plates. The photo, along with 
a ticket, is sent to the motorist. According 


to a Milan newspaper, a senator's wife 
opened the mail and found a photo of her 
husband and another woman. The pro- 
posed law would require police to send 
photos to the local station house rather 
than mailing them to the offenders’ homes. 


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nm eno JERRY SPRINGER 


a candid conversation with the host of tv’s most outrageous show about his daily 
brawls, whether guests fake it and the sex scandal that's dogged his career 


On this particular morning, Jerry Spring- 
er is on a cell phone in a limo speeding to- 
ward Mickey Mantle's Restaurant and 
Sports Bar in New York City with his body- 
guard, Steve, the bald security guy who sep- 
arates the fighters on America's wildest TV 
spectacle, the “Jerry Springer Show.” 
Springer is talking to his agent in Holly- 
wood. (He's since signed a $2 million movie 
deal with “Dumb and Dumber” producer 
Steve Stabler.) When the limo pulls in front 
of Mantle's, it is greeted by a camera crew 
and reporter from “Access Hollywood." They 
ask to tail Springer for the day, one that will 
take him to “The RuPaul Show,” then to 
“Late Night With Conan O'Brien,” then on 
to a late flight back to Chicago so Springer 
can tape episodes of his oum show the next 
day. Springer agrees, but first there is lunch 
at Mantle's, his favorite hangout when he's 
in Manhattan. 

Before he can enter the restaurant, a de- 
livery van careens past the parked limo. A 
beefy passenger leans out of the cab with an 
Instamatic, shouting, “Hey, Jerry!” The star 
of TV's most controversial show swivels to 
smile and wave as if on cue. It’s a scene 
that’s repeated wherever Springer goes. His 
public loves him, his ratings are skyrocket- 
ing, he’s making a fortune. There’s a prob- 
lem, though. Jerry Springer may well be one 


of the most despised men in America, blamed 
Jor a surprising percentage of America’s ills 
and often called, by otherwise smart people, 
a harbinger of the end of civilization as we 
know it 

It's easy to see why. No show in the history 
of television has ever sunk quite so low: "T 
Stole My 12-Year-Old’s Boyfriend,” “I'm 
Pregnant and Have to Strip,” “I Slept With 
251 Men in Ten Hours,” “My Girlfriend Is 
a Man” and “My Man Wears a Dress.” If 
that weren't bad enough, Springer's guests, 
generally depicted as a gathering of inbred 
ne'er-do-wells who live in trailers while 
planning their next infidelities and sex- 
change operations, behave badly—language 
is coarse, fistfights are frequent and some 
guests seem to have trouble keeping on their 
clothes. Any given hour of “Springer” fea- 
tures more “expletives deleted” than does 
Nixon's entire Watergate oeuvre. 

As a result, the host everyone loves to hate 
(and hates to love) has become an easy and 
frequent target—crilics and comics tear him 
to shreds. “The Atlanta Journal-Constitu- 
tion” called the show “an emotional snuff 
movie that debases the people who are on it, 
the people who watch it, even the TVs on 
which it airs.” On “Politically Incorrect” 
Bill Maher suggested that “one more mis- 
tress, and Clinton's going to have to give his 


"I'm not kidding myself Thirty years from 
now people will remember Oprah and the 
impact she's had on our culture and on tele- 
vision. I'm a blip on the screen in terms of 
TV history, and I recognize that." 


"I had sex with a woman I shouldn't have, 
OK? And she was a prostitute. I was young, 
1 felt stupid for what I did and 1 had to get 
my life in order. So 1 thought the easy way. 
out was to resign from the city council.” 


State of the Union Address on ‘Jerry 
Springer." And one understated critic, writ- 
ing in the “Chicago Sun-Times,” said, 
“Springer doesn't seem much perturbed by 
the widespread opinion that he’s a despica- 
ble, loathsome entity.” (“1 don't think he likes 
rugs Springer.) 
's a formula that works as well as of- 
fends. The “Springer Show" has become one 
of the country's favorite guilty pleasures, its 
popularity fueled in part by a top-selling 
(more than half a million to date) video of 
outtakes, In Febru 
1998 Springer pushed past Rosie, Sally 
Jenny, Montel and Ricki and became the 
first talk show host to overtake the once-in- 
vincible Oprah Winfrey in the ratings since 
she hit number one in 1987. In Los Angeles, 
Springer beats Letterman and Leno. His 
ratings have jumped 183 percent in the past 
year. Despite this leap, even the show's oum- 
ers, USA Networks Studios, have publicly 
voiced reservations about the show's violence. 

Not that the star takes any of it too seri- 
ously. His staff doesn't either. Indeed, the 
bulletin board down the hall from Springer's 
office in Chicago's NBC Tower features 
bumper-sticker mottoes written by the show's 
employees: 

THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE FOOL. 

WE TALK TO FREAKS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


“Of course, no weapons are allowed, and as 
soon as someone hits someone else, the secu- 
rity guards break them up. So far we've lost 
only hair, in a few girl fights. Hey, men go 
bald, why not women?” 


YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN A TRAILER— 
BUT IT HELPS. 

ITS KLANTASTIC! 

ROSIE WHO? 

PUTTING THE T AND A BACK IN TALK SHOW 

One critic observed that despite the fact 
that Springer lives on the 91st floor of 
Chicago's John Hancock Center, with an 
awesome view of the Loop and Lake Michi- 
gan, everybody seems to look down on him. 

In truth, Springer is less America’s most 
controversial star than he is its unlikeliest. 
He was born on February 13, 1944 in Lon- 
don, where his German parents lived after 
fleeing the Holocaust. The Springers moved 
to New York City when Jerry was five. He at- 
tended Forest Hills High School, received a 
B.A. from Tulane University, then graduat- 
ed from Northwestern University Law 
School. In 1969 he moved to Cincinnati and 
Joined а law firm. Through a woman he was 
dating, he became active in a local referen- 
dum to lower the voting age in Ohio to 19. 
Though the referendum failed (and the ro- 
mance faltered), Springer impressed area 
Democrats, In 1970 he ran for Congress. He 
was a good campaigner but narrowly lost the 
election. The next year, he was elected to one 
of nine at-large seats on the Cincinnati city 
council. Through the Seventies he won re- 
election as a popular populist. 

In conservative Cincinnati, Springer was 
a rare liberal politician and apparently 
ahead of his time. He was a city councilman 
who was (a) Jewish, (b) a transplanted New 
Yorker and (c) someone who was caught 
writing checks for sex and who resigned from 
the council in disgrace. Incredibly, he re- 
mained in Cincinnati and staged a political 
comeback that not only returned him to the 
city council but also whisked him into the 
mayor's office in 1977. Though the mayor's 
post is a cloutless, honorary one (Cincinnati 
adopted a cily-manager form of government 
in 1925), Springer's second political coming 
was astounding. 

In 1982 he ran for Ohio governor, ac- 
knouledging in a TV advertisement that he 
once paid for the services of a prostitute: 
“Nine years ago I speni time with a woman I 
shouldn't have," he said. "And I paid her 
with a check. I wish I hadn't done that. And 
the truth is, I wish no one would ever know. 
But in the rough world of politics, opponents 
are not about to let personal embarrassments 
be laid to rest." 

The ad was a gamble. “But you have to re- 
member I'm not running for God,” he told 
“The Washington Post." “I'm running for 
governor. What's wrong with the public's 
knowing I'm a human being with warts?” 

He lost the primary, and instead of becom- 
ing governor, Jerry Springer was out of 
work. He signed on as commentator with 
WLWT-TV (Channel 5), the third-place sta- 
tion in town. "It's like the excitement of the 
night before an election, every single day," 
he told "Cincinnati Mag "n incred- 
ibly lucky. I keep running into exciting 
things to do, and 1 get paid.” In March 
1984 Springer was named news co-anchor 
64 with Norma Rashid, and by Мау 1987, the 


PLAYBOY 


Springer-Rashid team had taken over first 
place. But it was his nightly commentaries 
that made Springer's reputation in Cincin- 
nati. They were two-minute reflections, al- 
ways liberal Democratic in their thinking, 
delivered calmly. Some thought he would re- 
turn to politics, but by the late Eighties the 
question in Cincinnati wasn't “Will Jerry 
run again?” Rather, it was “Did you hear 
Jerry's commentary last night?” 

The owners of Channel 5 saw promise in 
Springer and built a talk show around him. 
The “Jerry Springer Show" premiered on 
September 30. 1991 in Cincinnati and four 
other cities. At the time, Springer was being 
groomed to replace the retiring Phil Don- 
ahue, and the early shows had a serious 
tone: Waco survivors, AIDS issues, homeless 
people. But the high road led to low ratings, 
and the show began to experiment with such 
topics as “I Performed My Own Abortion” 
and "I'm Leaving My Husband for a Fat 
Man.” While critics scoffed, viewers began 
to tune in to a parade of strippers, hookers, 
porno junkies, Klan thugs, women who sleep 
with their sisters’ husbands, drag queens, 
nudists, faith healers and cross-dressers— 
and those are the good guys. 


The job I have 
now requires no skill. 
Anybody could do 
what I do. I’m lucky I 
have the show. 


In August 1992, for its national debut on 
93 stations, the show moved to Chicago. It 
now airs on more than 150 stations and in 
more than 30 countries. The studio audience 
is mostly college-age kids and housewives 
who file through a metal detector, take their 
seals and start chanting, “Jer-ry! Jer-ry!” In 
1996 Springer signed a multimillion-dollar 
contract through the 2001-2002 season. 
(He reportedly makes $3 million a year.) 

Controversy follows Springer wherever he 
goes. When a Chicago TV station hired him 
lo do commentary on the evening news, both 
anchors refused to introduce him on the air. 
One, Carol Marin, quit before his first ap- 
pearance, calling Springer “the poster child 
Jor the worst that television has to offer.” 
Springer told “The New York Times” that 
Marin was “being tremendously rude to me. 
She ought to write me an apology. What kind 
of lesson is this for her children?” 

“Just say Jerry Springer's name, and it is 
a statement of the kind of television that de- 
scends to the lowest rung," said Marin. 

After just two appearances, Springer re- 
signed, saying, “I walked into a civil war." 
(There had already been disputes between 
Marin and the shows management over 
news practices at the station.) 


Another crilicism is that some of Spring- 
ers shows are rigged. He says some fakes 
may slip through, but insists “that 99 per- 
cent of our guests are absolutely legitimate. 

How did this unlikely politician segue in- 
to his current role as a synonym for sleaze? 
PLAYBOY dispatched writer John Brady lo find 
out. Brady reports: 

"After tailing Jerry for several days on the 
road doing PR, I hung out for three days to 
watch him in action as he taped segments of 
his show. Later I accompanied him on a vis- 
il to Cincinnati, where he returned to some 
of his old haunts—the TV station where he 
was a news anchor and the city council, 
where he was applauded and spoke to old po- 
litical colleagues. That evening he spoke to a 
packed auditorium of cheering students at 
the University of Cincinnati. 

“The next morning, back at his office in 
Chicago—it's filled with baseball memora- 
bilia, a veritable shrine to Mickey Mantle 
and Yogi Berra—Springer produced a cou- 
ple of great cigars from the humidor his staff 
gave him for Christmas. He is taller (six 
feet), trimmer (‘a perfect 42 regular’) and 
more casual (jeans and a denim shirt) than 
the little guy he seems to be оп TY, running 
around the aisles in fashionably bagey Ar- 
mani. ‘The truth is, I didn't know about Ar- 
mani till my first producer said, “Here, put 
this on,” he says, laughing at what he calls 
his "Ted Baxter wardrobe." His face looks 
youthful for a guy who's 54, though cragey 
stress lines are starting to peek through the 
stage makeup on his cheeks. He is bright and. 
witty and is impervious to his depiction in 
the media as a slimemaster. 

"Doesn't that hurt?’ I asked. T would 
rather be known as something else,’ he said 
as though he had no illusions of grandeur. 
"But does it affect my life? Мо?” 


PLAYBOY: How would you describe what 
you do for a living? 

SPRINGER: I'm the ringleader of a circus. 
My show isn't a talk show. There's no 
talking. There's just yelling, cursing and 
throwing whatever's at hand. Some peo- 
ple would be less upset if we didn't call it 
a talk show—if we said it’s professional 
wrestling. 

PLAYBOY: Are you able to explain the 
show's success? 

SPRINGER: I have no idea why it's success- 
ful. It's crazy. 1 think home viewers with 
remote controls get to our show and 
suddenly stop and say, “What's going 
on? What's that about?" 

And young people get it. They are not. 
sitting there watching the show and say- 
ing, "Maybe this is how I should live." 
No. They've been in class all day, they 
want to free their minds for an hour. 
When I was in law school, we used to get 
out of dass and run home to watch Bat- 
man. 1 can't tell you that we thought we 
would one day put on capes and race 
around town. OK, maybe some of 
us did. 

PLAYBOY: The Too Hot for TV video has 
only intensified your reputation of being 


Reminds you oi anyone? 
cots 


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PLAYBOY 


irresponsible, don't you think? 
SPRINGER: Surc has. 

low did the video come about? 
I take no credit. In fact, I to- 
tally misread it. I didn't want to do the 
tape. I thought it would just increase the 
heat. I thought every columnist in Amer- 
ica would look at the tape and say, “Aha, 
the trashy Springer is at it again.” And 
we'd have another round of what a 
slimebucket I am. J also thought no one 
would buy it. So we'd get all this heat, 
and for what? I signed off on it for a 
nominal fee. No percentage of sales. 
PLAYBOY: Who is your business manager, 
or, should we say, ex-business manager? 
SPRINGER: I did it on my own. And the 
video has become an all-time best-seller. 
What a schmuck. We're making sequels, 
however, and I'll have a piece of those. 
PLAYBOY: How many outtakes of nudity 
and fights do you have? 

SPRINGER; As many as you want. We're 
here to make your life good. 

PLAYBOY: A common criticism of you is 
that some of the shows are rigged. 
SPRINGER: I'm not aware that they are. 1 
can't look into everybody's mind. The 
premise of the show is that it’s all real, 
but we've been involved in suits when it 
hasn't been. If during a show I believe 
someone isn't telling the truth, ГЇЇ say, “1 
think you're making up this story." I've 
even kicked people off the stage and 
said, “I’m sorry—this just isn't believ- 
able." We've sent people home when 
we've found out that their stories are 
garbage. 

Have we ever been duped? I believe 
all the people who work for us are hon- 
orable. I can tell you, with God listening. 
that I—me, personally—have never put 
someone on the show who I knew wasn't 
telling the truth. I can speak to my own 
honor on that issue. If someone three 
years from now says, “Well, I once got a 
guest to say this . . . ,” I'll be as surprised 
as anyone. It's entertainment, so I don't 
think there are any truth requirements. 
But I think the show has more of an 
edge when the stories arc truthful. So 
that's what we try to do every day. 
PLAYBOY: How did Jerry Springer be- 
come so famous? 

SPRINGER: The job I have now requires 
no skill. Anybody could do what I do. 
I'm lucky I have the show. I have no par- 
ticular talent in this area. The company 
that owned Channel 5 in Cincinnati 
when I was doing the local news also 
owned Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphaél. 
The company decided to start a new talk 
show and I got it. I didn't audition or 
beat out anybody else, and I've never 
pretended that my job requires any in- 
tellect or great talent, It's just a fun show. 
1 get paid to go to camp. 

PLAYBOY: Recently your ratings have hit 
an all-time high, even beating out Oprah. 
How does that feel? 

SPRINGER: Of course it feels good for 


68 пом, but I'm not kidding myself. Thirty 


years from now people will remember 
Oprah and the impact she’s had on our 
culture and on television. I'm a Мір on 
the screen in terms of TV history, and I 
recognize that. My show is hot and very 
popular, and I enjoy it. Obviously a lot of 
viewers do too, but some people hate it. 
That's OK. This is America and we 
ought to have those choices. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have a say in what goes 
into the show, or are you merely follow- 
ing orders? 

SPRINGER: There are no orders to follow; 
we all agree that our show is about out- 
rageousness. As long as the subjects are 
outrageous and the guests are outra- 
geous, I don't interfere. It's escapism. 
It's entertaining. 

PLAYBOY: How do you define "entertain- 
ing"? Your show has bcen called "Stupid 
Human Tricks." 

SPRINGER: I think I said that. I love being 
quoted. I vant to say the show is inter- 
esting rather than entertaining. While 
most of our shows are entertaining, ос- 
casionally we have a serious subject, and. 
no one out there is laughing. The show 
has to be interesting. It has to grab you. 
You have to say, "Whoa—don't hit the 
remote, what was that?" And sometimes 
what's interesting is silly. Why do you 
watch Letterman's "Stupid Pet Tricks"? 
Not because it's deep. It's funny as hell. 
PLAYBOY: Your show is often accused of 
using violence to fortify its ratings. As it 
has become more violent, the ratings 
have risen. Isn't that irresponsible TV? 
SPRINGER: It’s still tame compared with 
the rest of television, where murders, 
robberies and rapes are routine. I've 
seen more violence in hockey games. On 
my show, most of the fighting is done by 
the security guards who run onto the 
stage to stop the shoving or to get some- 
one out of a headlock. 

PLAYBOY: Don't you think there's a differ- 
ence between dramatized violence on 
NYPD Blue and the barroom-style fights 
on your show? 

SPRINGER: There's nothing on our show 
that's attractive, nothing that would in- 
duce people to say, “This is how I'm go- 
ing to behave, t good." I would 
argue that they make violence look 
attractive on soap operas and even on 
prime-time television, where everything. 
is made to look exciting. The people on 
those shows are attractive, even the mu- 
sic is enticing. Nothing on our show is 
enticing—we're obviously a cultural car- 
toon. OK, it's kind of dangerous, but 
that's the price we pay for the First 
Amendment. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't you hiding behind the 
First Amendment in order to make a lot 
of money? 

SPRINGER: First of all, I don't know that 
anyone has to hide behind the First 
Amendment. I think we should celebrate 
it. If you have a job, you're entitled to be 
paid. And this is what the company 
wants to pay me for. I pay taxes on my 


salary, I don't steal it. I don't know what 
else I'm supposed to do. 

PLAYBOY: Aren't you worried about some- 
one losing an eye or otherwise getting 
scriously hurt? Are there any rules of 
war for your guests? 

SPRINGER: Of course, no weapons are al- 
lowed, and as soon as someone hits 
someone else, the security guards break 
them up. So far we've lost only hair, in a 
few girl fights. Hey, men go bald, why 
not women? Has it gone too far? Yes, 
probably. But we're treading that edge, 
and that's the risk that makcs it exciting. 
Otherwise everything's vanilla. 

PLAYBOY: This has to be the only show in 
the history of television that has six secu- 
rity guards on the sidelines. 

‘SPRINGER: One for every guest's chair. 
PLAYBOY: Who are those guys? 

SPRINGER: They're mostly off-duty Chica- 
go cops, great guys, and they've become 
celebrities themselves. People all seem to 
know Steve, the bald guy. He’s got his 
own fan club. So does Todd. They're 
young, good-looking guys, and I think 
the girls like them. 

PLAYBOY: Has anyone ever been seriously 
hurt during or after your show? Any un- 
reported deaths? 

SPRINGER: No, more people have died 
from watching our show than from be- 
ing on it. 
PLAYBOY: You appear ready to fight a 
neo-Nazi on the Too Hot for TV video. 
SPRINGER: I kind of lost it. But did you 
see me hit anyone? No. 

PLAYBOY: It looks like they are holding 
you back. 

SPRINGER: That's the only time I really 
got pissed, but, again, no punches were 
thrown. Play that again in slow motion 
and you will notice that I go after the 
guy only when he's fully in grasp, be- 
cause I'm a chicken. I don't think I've 
ever hit a person. 

PLAYBOY: How would you have handled 
the Jenny Jones incident in which a guest 
killed another guest who had revealed 
his secret crush on the guy? 

SPRINGER: With our show the guest is al- 
ways told ahead of time what the param- 
eters ofa surprise are. For example, you 
could get a list of 20 possible surprises, 
and you have to approve every one be- 
fore you sign to be on the show. The on- 
ly people who are on our show are those 
who are ready for any possibility. Now, 
we didn't start doing that because we 
thought what happened with Jenny Jones 
would happen to us. We just don't want 
our guests angry at us. We want people 
to want to be on our show. So that was a 
business decision we made early. 
PLAYBOY: Does the show have a fistfight 
quota? 

SPRINGER: We like 2.7 fights by the sec- 
ond commercial break [laughs]. Actually, 
we go through phases. A year ago every- 
onc on the show would say, "Don't even 
go there." And that became a catch- 
phrase. The only way you get on our 


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PLAYBOY 


show is by calling us—the phone num- 
ber is given on the screen. Therefore, 
anyone who comes on our show has seen 
how people have behaved on the show 
before them. They assume they can be- 
have the same way. In a few months it 
won't be fighting anymore, it'll be some- 
thing else. 

PLAYBOY: What about the announcement. 
by the company that owns your show 
that it plans to limit the fisticuffs? 
SPRINGER: Management came to town 
last week and I got nothing out of those 
meetings except a lot of money. They 
came out and said, “God bless you and 
here's a bonus.” It was amazing. They 
said, “Keep doing the show, God bless 
you, couldn't be happier." Their concern 
was that no one get hurt. So far no one's 
gotten hurt. We've been lucky. Let's keep. 
that going. Their suggestion was that we 
beef up security. They own the show. 
They're the boss. They can have whatev- 
er kind of show they want. I’m fine. I 
have no objections with anything. All 
we're going to do is have more security 
guards to make sure nobody gets hurt. 
We want to make sure the fights don’t 
get out of hand. 

PLAYBOY: Is the rough stuff going to be 
edited out in advance of broadcast? 
SPRINGER: We edit every day. You watch. 
You be the judge. 

PLAYBOY: You don't feel you are being 
muzzled? 

SPRINGER: Not at all. 

PLAYBOY: So does that mean you're a go- 
along kind of guy? 

SPRINGER: Unbelievably go-along. I'm 
hosting the Jerry Springer Show. They just 
gave me a ton of money, signed me on 
for five years. But it's their show. If to- 
morrow they want me to do basketball 
games, ГЇЇ do basketball games. I'm to- 
tally fine. It’s their show. If it were my 
show, we'd do Yogi Berra and politics. 
PLAYBOY: Do you pay your guests? 
SPRINGER: No, because they'd make up 
the stories if we paid them. Plus, there's 
no need to. We get about 2000 calls a day 
from people who want to be on. 
PLAYBOY: Do guests think they will find a 
real answer on the show? 

SPRINGER: I can't believe there is a hu- 
man being on the planet who would 
come on our show thinking, Aha! This 
will solve my problem. I meet these peo- 
ple after the show. They don't think 
we're a replacement for a psychologi: 
And let's face it, 99 percent of the shows 
we do have nothing to do with anything 
serious, other than who is dating or 
dumping whom. People come on our 
show because they know they're going to 
geton the air for 15 minutes to have fun, 
yell and scream. 

PLAYBOY: What sort of goals do you have 
for the show? 

SPRINGER: My greatest goal is that my 
child will never be on my show [laughs]. 1 
have no goals for it. This is a ride. I 


70 mean, sometimes I feel like my life has 


been a ride. I have had all these great 
jobs, totally unrelated to one another, 
and I'm just passing through, having a 
great time. Now that I have this show, I 
want it to be the most successful show on 
television. That's my goal. 

PLAYBOY: How much money do you make 
these days? We hear $3 million a year. 
SPRINGER: Why, you need some? І knew 
it would eventually come down to that. I 
was just wondering when you'd ask. 
PLAYBOY: Four million? Five? 

SPRINGER: It's a lot, yeah. Considerably 
more than I ever dreamed of making in 
a lifetime. After a while it just doesn't 
matter much. I'm paid to be an enter- 
tainer. And entertainers are paid based 
on market value, not on what we do for 
society. 

PLAYBOY: If you weren't the host, is yours 
the sort of show you would watch? 
SPRINGER: No, this isn't my interest at all. 
Гуе never watched the show. Except for 
sports, I rarely watch television. It's hor- 
rible to admit, but I've never seen ER, 
and I've seen Seinfeld only a few times, 
on United Airlines flights. They show. 
that and Mad About You on long flights. 
PLAYBOY: Has success cost you much of 
your privacy? 

SPRINGER: I'm uncomfortable. I can be 
anyplace—shopping, standing in line for 
a movie—and I can't even scratch be- 
cause someone's always looking. Plus, 
people are constantly talking about me. 
I'll check into a hotel and turn on the 
TV, and they're talking about me on a 
show that has nothing to do with me. Or 
TU pick up Newsweek, as I did recently, 
and they're comparing the White House 
to the Jerry Springer Show. The Jerry 
Springer Show has become an idiom. All 
you have to do is say that and you don't 
have to define anything else. It's weird, 
because I don't see myself as that. I make 
no apologics for thc show. I'm having 
the ume of my life. I love it. But I think 
it's silly when I see myself being defined 
by my show, the good or the bad. 
PLAYBOY: Where's the good? 

SPRINGER: Chicago has, in a sense, adopt- 
ed me. You wouldn't know that from the 
newspaper reporters; that's their job. 
But the regular people are great. Every- 
where I go I hear, “Come on in." If I felt 
that people thought I was loathsome, I'd 
say, "Oh shit, what am I doing?" But I 
get on airplanes, go to restaurants, and 
go anywhere, and people are so damn 
nice to me. 

PLAYBOY: You started in TV on a local 
newscast. What makes a good anchor? 
SPRINGER: | certainly wouldn't assume 
that a TV anchor is a good journalist. 
What anchors are hired for has nothing 
to do with journalism. They're hired be- 
cause they look good, have the right 
voice and read well. You can be the 
brightest person in the world, but if you 
don't look believable when you're read- 
ing, stations won't hire you. It's primari- 
ly a cosmetic job. If you can't read off a 


Teleprompter, you're not an anchor. It 
infuriates those in the business when 
they hear that. But I was there. They 
know it's the truth. That doesn't mean 
all news anchors aren't bright. Some are. 
Not most, but some. They're not always 
the brightest because the brightest 
young people usually wind up in serious 
professions. The best students, those 
who get the highest scores on their SATS, 
don't usually become news anchors. The 
reporters in a newsroom are invariably 
snickering in the background at the 
news anchors. It’s not a very respected 
profession. 

PLAYBOY: What about someone like Ted 
Koppel? 

SPRINGER: He's excellent. Could other 
people do what he does? Probably. What 
I find interesting is that his guests are 
never there. It’s a technique that puts 
‘Ted at an advantage. You and I are sit- 
ting here talking. 1 can challenge any- 
thing you say and we've got a debate. He 
doesn’t permit that. The only person I 
know of who sat alongside Ted on Night- 
line was Gary Hart, because that was the 
only way he would go on. But virtually 
no one ever sits at the desk with Ted 
Koppel, because being separated from 
his guests puts Koppel in a superior 
position. They can’t see whether he is 
frowning or agreeing—and that’s why 
his guests always look guilty. He's sitting 
there with total control. He can shut you 
off. He’s excellent, but anyone in that 
setting would look powerful. 

Most anchors are uncomfortable with 
live interviews, because they are used to 
being able to edit anything that makes 
them look not smart, or that refutes 
their original premise. What is left on 
the cutting-room floor, what they do 
with interviews, news programs, maga- 
zine programs, is almost criminal. It is 
unbelievable. 

PLAYBOY: Getting it down to the sound 
bite? 

SPRINGER: You can talk for 20 minutes 
and they'll take one sentence. 

PLAYBOY: Has that been done to you? 
SPRINGER: When we were first being at- 
tacked, I remember doing interviews for 
network news programs and challenging: 
them, saying, "You're talking to me 
about hurting people? Look what you 
do when you jam a microphone in the 
face of people who don't want to be on 
TY, without worrying if it will ruin their 
career, embarrass their children, humili- 
ate them. You run to a family that has 
been involved in a horrible tragedy, and. 
you just fire off your questions, having 
no regard for their privacy. How dare 
you talk about who I'm hurting!" Not 
one station ran that answer. Not one. 
And if they did that to me, what has been 
left out of other interviews? Have I been 
forming judgments about people be- 
cause TV news deparuments edit and I 
don't get the full story? Was I wrong in 
disliking Nixon? Maybe Nixon had an 


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PLAYBOY 


answer. 
PLAYBOY: Aren't you blaming the messen- 
ger for the message? 

SPRINGER: Yeah, because the messenger 
is creating a message when it's no one's 
business. 1 am blaming the messenger. 
I'm not blaming human beings for being. 
human. Otherwise no one could ever 
run for public office. God says, "Every- 
one sins." Now, the question is, how are 
we going to choose our leaders? How 
about choosing them based on their per- 
formance, on whether they do the job 
they were elected to do. Stop talking 
about all the other stuff, unless the per- 
son chooses to let you know about it. 
PLAYBOY: Do you fear the media might 
become a kind of Big Brother? 
SPRINGER: Oh, they're already there, and 
if you talk to anyone in public life they'll 
say they feel it. There is a fear of the me- 
dia. People care about what the media 
are going to find out or what the media 
will say about them. Clinton doesn't go 
to bed worrying about Gingrich—that's 
not the problem. It's the damn newspa- 
pers. The political talk shows. And who 
are these people? On Sunday mornings 
at their little roundtables before the 
camera, they determine the agenda for. 
America. And these aren't even brilliant 
people. 

PLAYBOY: Are they like news anchors— 
good on camera? 

SPRINGER: І know some of them and, 
without mentioning names, they're not 
at the head of the class. 

PLAYBOY: There are straight news pro- 
grams and tabloid-style news shows such 
as Hard Copy. Are their rules diferent 
SPRINGER: Ít's a little different, but I draw. 
the same line. 1 don't believe you should 
ever talk about somebody who doesn't 
want to be spoken about on television— 
unless the public has a need to know. 
Let's assume your reputation is your 
personal property. Why should someone 
else be able to make money off of your 
property? If the media want to talk 
about Marv Albert, they should pay him. 
A television program sells commercials 
and pays salaries, and if it's going to talk. 
about Albert against his wishes, it had 
better pay him for it. It's his personal 
property. 

PLAYBOY: That's ludicrous. Marv Albert 
wanted to be in the public eye. He hired 
publicists to put him there. 

SPRINGER: There's a difference. Again, 
you're volunteering—to get publicity. 
PLAYBOY: In becoming a public person, 
don't you have to take your chances? 
SPRINGER: Where is that written? Can 
you show me that law? 

PLAYBOY: What do you think of your fel- 
Jow talk-show hosts? 

SPRINGER: It's not fair to put the others in 
my category, because most of them try to 
be serious. I think. At least there's the 
appearance of being serious. 1 don't 
think the others have a circus, as I do. 


72 Oprah deserves to be respected for be- 


ing a great talent, for running a serious 
talk show. In terms of talk shows, it's not 
fair to mention Oprah and me in the 
same sentence. 

PLAYBOY: You don't think so? 

SPRINGER: Not in terms of our show. She 
does a serious talk show, And she's a 
great talent. I'm not a great talent. 
PLAYBOY: Oprah started a book club. Any 
plans for a Jerry Springer book club? 
SPRINGER: Can you imagine the day I an- 
nounce my book club? I'd be ripped to 
shreds. Most people would think it's a 
porn club. I think the sincerity of any- 
thing I do right now is going to be ques- 
tioned. If I try to talk about something 
important, no one's going to listen. So 
I'm going to ride this out for a bit, let 
everyone take their shots. 

PLAYBOY: Gut reaction: Geraldo? 
SPRINGER: Edgy. I could not do what he 
does. I'm always in the background. I 
can be the ringleader, get them going, 
but when Geraldo is on, no matter what 
show he's doing, it's Geraldo. He's very 
good at that. That's not easy to do. 
PLAYBOY: He's gotten into at least one fist- 
fight with guests. 

SPRINGER: Well, he's a street fighter in 
personality and I'm not. I'm the kid he 
would have attacked on the way home 
from school. He would have thrown me 
into the bushes, taken my briefcase and 
run away. We're totally different. He's 
going to get into a fight because he can 
win. I'm not going to get into a fight be- 
cause I'd have my clock cleaned. 
PLAYBOY: Montel Williams? 

SPRINGER: 1 know he wants to be taken 
seriously. And there's a niche for that. 1 
don't know him well enough to say if 
he's sincere or not. ГЇЇ take him at his 
word. You can see that he's trying to 
mark some ground. My strategy 15 to let 
it all hang out, to be outrageous. His 
seems to be more disciplined; nothing's 
out of place. Be neat, be serious, furrow 
the brow. 

PLAYBOY: What do you anticipate with 
Roseanne's entry into the daytime talk- 
show wars? 

SPRINGER: She could be great. We'll see. 
She has incredible talent; she's an unbe- 
lievable presence. Sometimes there's 
baggage that comes with her because 
she's so controversial. If you put 20 peo- 
ple in a room, you'll notice her first. 
PLAYBOY: Rosie O'Donnell? 

SPRINGER: Great comedic instinct. Others 
think they can put a desk up there and 
be Rosie. They can't. They're not that. 
funny. She's funny. 

PLAYBOY: Don't these shows seem boring. 
after a while? 

SPRINGER: The difficulty is that we're on 
every day for an hour. That's a lot. Who 
isn't boring after an hour, five days a 
week? You know, you look at some peo- 
ple on television more than you look at 
someone you live with. Everything on 
TV gets old. Dave Letterman's routines 
get old after a while. And he's a great tal- 


ent. I don't know anyone who can stand 
up to that standard. Who can be funny 
five hours a week? 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you can keep 
your show from going stale? 

SPRINGER: Yeah, because 1 don't do any- 
thing. What do 1 do? We've done it for 
seven years, and I'm doing it for another 
five. There's no trick to it. If I had to 
stand there for an hour a day and enter- 
tain people by myself, they'd tune off in 
five minutes. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any strategizing in 
terms of the content of the show? 
SPRINGER: No. The only things Гуе ever 
said are: I want to go for a young audi- 
encé, and I want to be outrageous. Once 
you hit 30, your interests are the same 
for the rest of your life. But if you aim. 
for 18-year-olds, each year you get a new 
bunch. You guarantee a new class of 
viewers every year. That's how you stay 
on the air. 

Here's what I do know: There's no 
formula. If there were, every show 
would be successful. We pretend to 
know. People are paid lots of money 
based on their most recent success, and 
more often than not, their next effort 
fails. And so when people ask, "Why 
don't you quit your show and do a dif- 
ferent kind of program?" 1 say, "Wait a 
second, just because I'm successful at 
this doesn't mean Гтп going to have an- 
other great show. You crazy?" 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about "Politicians 
Who Pay Prostitutes With Checks—on 
the next Springer!" 

SPRINGER: Yeah, and let's get it straight. A 
lot of people get it wrong. 

PLAYBOY: What is your version of the 
episode? 

SPRINGER: In 1969 1 moved to Cincin- 
nati, where I ran for city council and was 
elected. I later joined a "health club" 
across the Ohio River in Kentucky. It was 
a real health club in some ways, but it 
was also a front for prostitutes. The club 
was raided and records were confiscat- 
ed. In the spring of 1974, I started get- 
ting phone calls. “We know you were at 
the club," this voice said, and I got 
scared. I thought, Oh Jesus, is this going 
to be blackmail? 

I was young, I felt stupid for what I 
did and 1 had to get my life in order. 1 
just wanted it behind me, whatever it 
was. I didn't want to live the rest of my 
life thinking, One day they're going to 
find out. So I thought the easy way out 
was to resign from the city council. 
PLAYBOY: Who was making the phone 
calls? Political enemies who had access to 
the materials from the raid? 

SPRINGER: I would be speculating. I can’t 
imagine they were friends of mine. I 
think I surprised them by announcing 
my resignation and explaining why. 
That took the wind out of everyone’s 
sails. Suddenly the issue was gone. 
PLAYBOY: The direct approach. 

(continued on page 149) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He's a man who revels in summer. Barbecue, beer and ballparks, sure, but our guy prefers to ex- 
cel in the active lane. He's one of 6 million PLAYBOY men who participated in sports in the past 
12 months. That's more than the readers of Men's Health and Men's Fitness combined. PLAYBOY 
men spent $620 million on athletic equipment last year—that's ten percent of all dollars E 
spent by men on sporting goods. PLAYBOY—it's where the action is. (Source: Fall 1997 MRI.) 


74 


WILL IT 


TAKE MORE 


THAN HE'S GOT 


TO SURVIVE 


LATE-NIGHT? 


Bv SCOTT HOWARD-COOPER 


MAGIC 


Whoopi Goldberg. Kee- 
nen Ivory Wayans. Pat Sajak. 
Jon Stewart. Lauren Hutton. 
Dennis Miller. Chevy Chase. 
The world of former talk 
show hosts is a graveyard. 
But that’s not stopping Mag- 
ic Johnson. His Magic Hour 
debuted last month, and Mag- 
ic is in training. Writer Scott 
Howard-Cooper caught up 
with Magic between sessions 
with his speech therapist and 
his interview coach, Johnson 
admits his new job has made 
him more nervous than any- 
thing since high school. It’s 
an amazing admission from a 
man who faced down the 
NBA's toughest opponents 
and who remains the most 
famous man in the world to 
go public about testing posi- 
tive for HIV. 

PLAYBOY: You've played col- 
lege and pro basketball, 
you've coached, you're a 
businessman and a sports- 
caster. How does hosting a 
talk show compare? 
JOHNSON: It's a lot of hard 
work. People don’t really un- 
derstand that. Hosting late- 
night is just like preparing 
for a season or a game. You 
work hard. 

PLAYBOY: And how have you 
prepared? 

JOHNSON: Every day it’s 
something, whether it's two 
hours with my speech coach 


and another hour and a half 
with my interview coach, or 
meeting with the show's pro- 
ducers and directors. It's a 
lot of work—it's not just get- 
ting up there and saying, 
"OK, here I am." 

PLAYBOY: What has your 
speech coach been working 
on with you? 

JOHNSON: My "th's." Every- 
thing. It's just amazing. 
PLAYBOY: Do you notice your- 
self speaking differently? 
JOHNSON: Oh yeah. 

PLAYBOY: Did you know you 
weren't speaking as clearly as 
you should? 

JOHNSON: 1 could tell. You 
Just tell yourself it's OK. But 
it isn't. I’m glad that I got 
the coach. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever listen 
to any tapes from your рге- 
speech therapy days? What 
do you think? 

JOHNSON: I was horrible 
[laughs]. Especially com- 
pared with how I speak now. 
It's like night and day. 
PLAYBOY: It seems like the 
number of failed talk show 
hosts includes almost half of 
show business. Do you worry 
that you are going to end up 
on that list? 

JOHNSON: That's the chal- 
lenge. 1 need challenges in 
my life. It's going to be fun. 
PLAYBOY: How did you feel at 
the beginning? 


JOHNSON: Nervous and 
scared. I didn't know if I 
could do it. 

PLAYBOY: Are you doing this 
because you need to be 
cheered in one way or anoth- 
er, even if it's not by basket- 
ball fans? 

JOHNSON: I think I needed it 
more right after I an- 
nounced that I have HIV. 
But now I wouldn't say I 
need it. Because the cheer- 
ing happens everywhere. In 
New York, they love me. I 
don't know why, but it's 
everywhere. These days I 
need to get away from it 
more. That's why I go to 
Hawaii, to get away. That's 
why I got my yacht. I need 
time to just chill and get 
away from it. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think you'll 
ever be involved with the 
NBA again, as an owner oras 
a coach? 

JOHNSON: No. ГЇЇ just be the 
commissioner. 

PLAYBOY: Is David Stern 
aware of this? 

JOHNSON: David Stern is go- 
ing to be there for however 
long, and then they'll turn it 
over to me. 

PLAYBOY: How will you do? 
JOHNSON: Very well. 

PLAYBOY: What would you do 
with a player who chokes his 
coach? 

JOHNSON: Kick him out. He 


*The dream team had a lot of casino 


S 


UA. 


, 


ы 
Ф 
а 
а 
гі 


I was a wi 


time 


would definitely be banned. 

PLAYBOY: You have coached. What 
would you have done if a player had 
tried to choke you? 

JOHNSON: He would have been in for a 
long fight. There wouldn't have been 
any “Get him off me." If he really 
wanted to fight, I would have said, 
"Let's go." 

PLAYBOY: When you say fight, you 
don't mean a legal fight, as in "We'll 
let the commissioner handle it and 
take it to the arbitrator"? 

JOHNSON: No. If he comes after me, 
he'd better be ready for a real fight, 
because I'm one of those people 
who'll fight forever. Because of my 
competitiveness, I'm not going to let 
him win. Plus, once he comes to 
choke me, I’m going to pick up what- 
ever's closest. He's already chal- 
lenged my manhood. Now I've got 11 
guys and two coaches looking, so 
we've got to go all the way. Got to go 
some rounds. If I ever made a player 
so mad that he told me, “I want to 
kick your butt," I'd say, “OK, let's go. 
If you really want to do it, let's go.” 
PLAYBOY: You have.such a friendly de- 
meanor that sometimes people forget 
that side of you. But you've had con- 
tentious relationships your entire ca- 
reer—for instance, your relationship 
with Michael Jordan got off to a bad 
start. Was it jealousy on your part? 
JOHNSON: Of course. He came in with 
all that attention, making all the com- 
mercials and the money: And he 
could play! Of course there's some 
jealousy. People are always going to 
be jealous (continued on page 164) 


*I haven't had 
tough days 
like people 
might expect’ 


Con Magic Johnsan stay out of the limelight? It seems highly unlikely. Every aspect of 
Johnson's life has been public fodder—whether he's campaigning against AIDS with 
Sharon Stone (above left) or talking with children an his AIDS Benefit Tour (abave right). 


Magic gives fellow 
Dream Teamer Mi- 
choel Jordan credit 
far forcing him ta 
ploy better (abave 
left). But as a Laker, Johnson also had to 
please a celebrity constituency. There was 
Jack Nichalsan, of course, but Magic also 
orbited Planet Hollywood with the likes of 
Arnold Schwarzenegger (above center). 


а 


Johnson is well known far 
starting businesses in inner- 
city neighborhaads that ath- 
er companies avaid. He also 
took a visible rale with Mu- 
hammad Ali at the 100 Black 
Men dinner in 1997 (abave). 


If Magic runs law an big-name guests 
for his new syndicated talk shaw, he 
cauld alwoys call an same af his post 
contacts, such as farmer President 
George Bush (let), wha appainted 
him ta a federal AIDS commissian, pal 
Janet Jacksan (abave) and fellow 


AIDS activist Elizabeth Taylar (right). 


“We can't take him without you putting him in a plastic sack.” 


Hemu Newton can transform women. With that in mind, we asked him to 
photograph six women who are dear to our hearts—Playmates, in fact—and 
work his flashy way with them. Newton works in a world of careful contrivance 
filled with aberrance and artifice. His phótos often describe the difference be- 
tween nude and naked. The former is being seen without clothes on, the latter 
is being caught with nothing on. This is an essential law of Newtonian physics. 


At left, Carrie Stevens points out a sudden and disturbing light in the Los Ange- 
les sky. Below, Barbara Moore seems to be on a crusade. She may be an excellent 
motivational speaker, but she may very well be preaching to the converted. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY HELMUT NEWTON 


On the previous page, at left, Traci Adell rests on her con- 
siderable laurels. Top and bottom, Kimber West engages in 
full frontal ground control. On this spread, above, Victoria 


Fuller exploits the only place in California where it’ 
gal to light up a cigarette. At right, Julie Lynn Cial 
from a forklift much like a limber piece of human linguine. 


84 


deadly chemical 


poisonings in cyprus were 
clearly the work of a 
terrorist group. who better 
to hunt it down 

than 007? 


HE TABLEAUX of pain and suf- 
fering might have been a freeze- 
frame from a dance of death 

The 12 men—three corporals and 
nine privates—were sprawled about 
in various positions in the barracks 
room. They were fully dressed. One 
man was half-on, half-offa cot. Three 
were piled together, clutching one 
another in a macabre embrace. All of 
them had vomited and bled from the 
nose and mouth. They had clearly ex- 
perienced a horrible death 

The team of four investigators 


THE FACTS 


OF DEATH 


dressed in protective gear made a 
thorough search of the premises 
Each wore a Willson AR 1700 full- 
face gas mask with a respirator and 
in-cheek filters, airtight goggles, a 
hood, an impermeable butyl rubber 
suit, 18-gauge rubber gloves and 
boots. Every inch of skin was covered. 
The investigators were thankful that 
the gas masks blocked the stench. 
They were sweating profusely be- 
neath the suits for, in late October, it 
was still hot in southern Cyprus 
James Bond peered through the 
eyepieces of his gas mask, taking in 
every detail. Twelve soldiers had been 
killed by an unknown chemical agent, 
possibly administered through the air 
ducts. It seemed the only possible ex- 
planation. Equally disturbing was the 


PAINTING BY PHILHALE 


PLAYBOY 


86 


number three painted in red on the 
wall of the room. Below the number, 
on the floor, was a six-inch alabaster 
statueue of the ancient Greek god Po- 
seidon 

Bond watched the two British SAS 
investigators do their work and then 
followed them outside into the sun. 
One investigator, the sole Greek on the 
team, remained inside to finish making 
notes and to take photographs. 

The men removed their gas masks 
and hoods. The temperature was al- 
ready 85 degrees. It would have been a 
good day for a swim. 

The British Sovereign Base Areas in 
the Republic of Cyprus cover approxi- 
mately three percent of the island. The 
Western Sovereign Base Area, which 
consists of the Episkopi Garrison build- 
ings and the Akrotiri RAF airfield, and 
the Eastern Sovereign Basc Arca, the 
garrison at Dhekelia, remained under 
British jurisdiction when the Treaty of 
Establishment created the indepen- 
dent Republic of Cyprus in 1960. Prior 
to that, Cyprus had been a British 
Crown Colony. 

Bond had been dispatched to Cyp- 
rus shortly after midnight and had 
been shuttled to Akrotiri by a Royal 
Navy aircraft. He was met by Captain 
Sean Tully and taken directly to 
Episkopi, which housed the Sovereign 
Base Areas Administration and the 
headquarters of the British Forces in 
Cyprus. Bond had always thought the 
island a lovely place, with its beautiful 
beaches, rolling hills in the north, near- 
perfect climate and quaint and colorful 
cities. It was unfortunate that Cyprus 
had such a turbulent recent history. 

It was an unnamed British officer 
who had drawn a line with a green 
marker across the map in 1963, when 
tensions between the Greek and Turk- 
ish Cypriots culminated in violence. 
The United Nations moved in shortly 
thereafter in an attempt to keep the 
peace along the aptly named Green 
Line. Eleven years later, as a result of 
an attempted coup by the Greek gov- 
ernment and the Turkish invasion of 
the northern part of the island that oc- 
curred in reaction to that attempt, the 
island was divided not just by а symbol- 
ic Green Line but by a political one. To- 
day, Her Majesty's government, along. 
with the UN, recognizes only the gov- 
ernment of the Republic of Cyprus, 
which administers the southern two 
thirds of the island. The so-called 
Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, 
which illegally occupies the northeast 
third, is not recognized by any nation 
other than Turkey. The situation has 
been a source of tension, mistrust and 
conflict for more than 20 years. 

The current disaster had struck in a 
barracks near the Episkopi helicopter 


landing site. Bond had been joined by 
two SAS forensic identification special- 
ists from London and, at the last 
minute, by a member of the Greek Se- 
cret Service. He was puzzled by the 
presence of the Greek agent, who was 
still inside the barracks taking notes. M 
had advised him that a Greek agent 
would be contacting him in Episkopi, 
but this was obviously a British matter 
as it involved British military personnel 
and occurred on territory governed by 
neither the Republic of Cyprus nor 
Greece. 

Winninger, one of the London inves- 
tigators, wiped the sweat from his brow 
and asked, "Commander Bond, do you 
have any preliminary impressions?" 

"It was some kind of aerosol agent, I 
would imagine," Bond said. "The 
number on the wall and the little statue 
are some kind of signature that the 
killer or killers left behind. I under- 
stand there was something similar at 
Dhekelia two days ago." 

"Right," the second man, Ashcraft, 
said. “A small squad of men was killed 
by a nerve toxin called sarin—the same 
stuff that was used recently in a Japa- 
nese underground train by a religious 
fanatic." 

Winninger added, "And then there 
was poor Whitten two days before 
that." 

Bond nodded. He had been briefed. 
Christopher Whitten had been an МІб 
operative in Athens. His body had been 
found by the Greek police sprawled on 
the steps of the Temple of Hephaestion 
in the ancient agora near the Acropolis. 
He had died by an unidentified poison, 
but Forensic Toxicology believed the 
cause of death to have been ricin, a 
deadly protein derived from the simple 
castor bean. 

In all three cases, the perpetrators 
had left a number painted near the 
body or bodies. The number one had 
been scrawled on a rock by Whitten's 
head. The number two had been paint- 
ed on the wall of the Dhekelia barracks 
where the small squad of soldiers died 
the other day. Another similarity to the 
Episkopi incident was that a small stat- 
ue of a Greek god had been left at the 
Dhekelia сеп! 

Ashcraft said, “And now we have the 
third attack in four days. Looks like 
we've got a serial terrorist or some- 
thing. One complete section and half of 
another from the platoon were killed. 
That's three corporals and nine pri- 
vates—three fire teams. It happened 
late last night after they had come in 
from drill. What do you make of the 
condition of the bodies, Ray?” 

Winninger rubbed his chin. “From 
the amount of bleeding the victims ex- 
perienced—from nearly every orifice 
of their bodies—it appears to be tri- 


cothecenes. Wouldn't you agree?" 

“Yes,” Ashcraft said. “We'll have to 
get the lab to verify, of course. Terrible 
way to go." He turned to Bond. "Trico- 
thecenes is a poison that causes radical 
bleeding from the eyes. cars, nose and 
mouth, internal bleeding, burns, соп- 
vulsion and death—all vithin half an 
hour." 

Bond was familiar with the various 
types of chemicals used in terrorist at- 
tacks and in warfare. 

"Is it my imagination, or can I smell 
their bodies from out here?" Win- 
ninger asked. 

The Greek agent emerged from the 
barracks, still wearing the gas mask 
and protective hood. Now out in the 
fresh air, the gas mask and coverings 
were quickly removed, revealing a 
head of long, black hair. She had 
Mediterranean features—thick eye- 
brows, brown eyes. full lips, a large but 
not unattractive nose and a long neck. 
She was unusually tall —nearly six feet. 
Bond and the other two men were sur- 
prised. They hadn't realized the agent 
was a woman when she walked into the 
barracks after them. She hadn'tspoken 
and the protective uniform covered 
any hint of female shape. 

“Are you from the National Intelli- 
gence Service? You're Mirak Win- 
ninger asked. 

“That's right,” she said. "Niki Mi- 
rakos of the Greek NIS." She pro- 
nounced her first name Nee-kee. 

“what are you doing here, exactly?" 
Ashcraft asked. “If you don't mind my 
asking " 

“Tm investigating these terrorist at- 
‚just as you are.” she said with dis- 
dain. "Your man Whitten was found in 
a public area of Athens—a national 
park that was a holy place for the an- 
cient Greeks, no less. These attacks are 
not random. There is a purpose be- 
hind them. My government has an in- 
terest in what has happened." 

"Maybe you can fill us in on your hy- 
pothesis, then?" Ashcraft said. 

"Later," she said. “I want to get our 
of these hot clothes and take a shower." 
She turned to Bond. “You're 007, 
aren't you?" 

Bond held out his hand. "Bond," he 
said. "James Bond." 

"We're supposed to have a little 
talk." she said. She glanced at the two 
other officers and added, "Alone." 

Bond nodded. He led her toward 
the building in the barracks that had 
been assigned to them as temporary 
quarters. Às they walked, she unzipped 
her coveralls, revealing a white T-shirt 
soaked with sweat. Her full breasts 
were perfectly molded into the shirt. 
Bond couldn't help stealing a glance 
or two as they walked. She was not 

(continued on page 154) 


“Га ask you in for a drink but my husband's a light sleeper.” 


The new wave in swimsuits 
has washed neon colors off 
the beach. It has also taken 
shorts higher on the leg. 
However, if you insist on 
looking like a sandlot Allen 
Iverson, or if your body type 
demonds it, you can weor о 
longer surfer style such os 
the Hawaiian-print trunks ot 
right. They have pockets and 
are made by Tommy Bahama 
($48). Her mustard-colored 
bikini is by Gottex ($106). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


Why is this couple so well matched? 
Aside from the fact that our leggy 
betty would moke any beach bum 
look good, these two hove styling 

suits. So while you're looking for a 
set of togs for yourself, you might 
wont to do some shopping for your 
girlfriend. Below, Mr. Lizard is loung- 
ing in print boxer shorts by Gottex 
($62). Her bikini is by Emporio Ar- 
mani ($125). Its metollic finish is 
reminiscent of a fishing lure, but as 
far os this brunette is concerned, 
you're the boit, chum. 


Gm 


Control is important at 
the beach. You don't want 
о suit thot droops after o 
swim or one that twists 
and hikes during o nop 
under the umbrella, If 
tight feels right, think 
bout slipping into these 
stretchy swim trunks by 
Emporio Armani ($90) 
They ore novy and green 
with violet side pan- 

els. Her bikini is 

by Gottex ($98). 


+ 


is tired oftef 


Everybody 
a photo shoot, 


but only ^ 


compotible models con 
relox os comfortably as 
our two friends con. The 
pose is по optical illusion; 


however, ore 


the shorts, 
another story. He's wear- 


ing black-and-white- 
check trunks by C.P. Com- 


pany |585). She is in 
shorts by Donsky. At $75, 


a top is included but nor 


entirely necessory. 


A 
$ 
3 
5 


WHERE £ HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 150. 


HAIR AND MAKEUP EY ERIC RAYMOND FOR MICHELE РОМ! 


in which our cartoonist faces up to 
the facts of contemporary life 


"No! It's disgusting and gross and I won't do 
it—unless you do it first.” 


“Well, Pm sorry, but I can't do it right if I can't see it and I can't 
see it without my glasses." 


> PUT ARS [Um 
UT 


алары” 
Tu 
How 


“Allison doesn't drink, but she always ends up "Hey, are we going to have oral sex or are we 
under the table." just going to talk about it?” 


“My God, you're right! It cured my hiccups.” 


GRAS HIE GE М 


o the dismay of his father, who wanted 

him to be a baseball player, Craig Kil- 
born admits that he "just couldn't throw the 
ball very well." Luckily, young Kilborn had 
a backup sport. "I started dribbling the bas- 
ketball when I was tn second grade." And 
his height topped out at 64” in the ninth 
grade. Kilborn's ball-handling skills and 
long frame propelled him along the jock 
track right through college. After gradua- 
tion, he toured Europe with an American 
basketball team and got an offer to turn pro 
with a Luxembourg team looking for an 
American to lend it credibility. 

To this day, Kilborn regrets turning ins 
the offer. "I have some eligibility left," 
says. “I think I could still play іп Dd 
Bui at 22, the basketball addict realized the 
NBA wasn't in the cards and decided to try 
a slightly less long-shot career: "I started 
looking for a TV job." 

Before long, Kilborn parlayed his anchor- 
man looks, sports knowledge and aptitude 
for comedy into radio and television sports 
gigs in Savannah and Monterey. The Cali- 
fornia station KCBA-TV also dispatched 
Kilborn, an aspiring gourmet, to cover such 
events as the Garlic Festival in nearby 
Gilroy. In 1993 he went national, signing 
as an anchor with ESPN. His shift was the 
two лм. edition of “Sports Center.” "I had 
no choice when it came to achieving cult sia- 
tus among college students pulling all- 
nighters,” he deadpans. The downside: “I 
can't think that it was healthy for me to sleep 
until one in the afternoon. It was hard to 
grab a workout, and my basketball game 
Suffered.” 

Two years ago Kilborn made the jump to 
Comedy Central when the cable network was 
looking to create a high-profile replacement 
for “Politically Incorrect.” Since its debut, 
"The Daily Show" has developed an uncan- 
ny resemblance to that television staple, ac- 

tion news. The 
m П format. features 
the daily fasi-moving 


show's" graphics, roving 
correspondents 
sassmeister and an anchor 
with a great head 

E of hair 
Ш Біра Contributing 
sions, garlic Editor Warren 


Kalbacker met 
unth Kilborn af- 
ter tapings of 
“The Daily.” as 
the show's anchor 
calls it. “Kilborn 
holds to this prin- 
ciple: Work first, 
then eat,” Kal- 


and the “bay- 
watch” gig 
that got away 


PHOTOGRAPHY БҮ OAVID ROSE 


Backer reports. “And he's serious about both. 
After one session we broke for a long restau- 
rant meal. Kilborn insisted on sampling— 
and discussing —five varieties of cheese. But 
then, the Minnesotan grew up just a couple 
of miles from the Wisconsin border.” 


T 


PLAYBOY: You've made the transition 
from sportscasting to the wide world of 
comedy. Do you consider yourself an 
example to those who labor at the mi- 
crophone calling play-by-plays and 
narrating game highlights? 

KILBORN: I let other people judge that. 
But if I've inspired some young sports- 
casters to branch out, read the front 
page. see a foreign movie—prefer- 
ably one with Sonia Braga—that's a 
bonus. These people can do more than 
sportscasting. Sportscasting is not work. 
1 don't necessarily want to work. But 1 
wanted to do a little more. 


2. 


PLAYBOY: Weren't you worried about 
running out of catchphrases to de- 
scribe game highlights? We under- 
stand “Jumanji,” your signature on a 
slam dunk, was handed to you by an 
ESPN producer. 

KILBORN: I don't worry about anything. 
1 had fun doing the NBA highlights, 
using carchphrases that college kids be- 
come obsessed with. Gus Ramsay, the 
producer, whispered “Jumanji” in my 
ear right before a show. That's not 
overly creative. That's why I'll let him 
have that. When I first got to ESPN, I 
wouldn't take anything. 1 pride myself 
on my writing. I would say, “On fire!” 
when a player made three shots in a 
row. À cameraman suggested, "How 
about en fuego?" І said, "No, I'll come 
up with my own.” They gave en fuego to 
Dan Patrick. who got a lot of mileage 
out of it. I don't steal catchphrases. 
Keith Olbermann is known for that. I 
can't figure out why. The man is quite 
creative. 


ER 


PLAYBOY: Pitch The Daily Show to poten- 
tial cable subscribers. 

KILBORN: It saves time. You don't have 
to watch Peter Jennings and an enter- 
tainment show. The Daily Show is news 
and entertainment rolled into half an 
hour. That's economical. 1 hope what 
I'm all about comes across in the “Mo- 
ment for Us” and the interviews: We're 
only on this earth for a little while, so 
let's have fun. I want to be the night- 


light when you go to bed. I display a 
certain flair, a joie de vivre, panache, if 
you will. I learned those words when I 
played basketball in Europe. 


4. 


PLAYBOY: You've introduced Peter Jen- 
colleague." Don't you wish? 
: 1 have no desire to do that 
news stuff. None at all. I have freedom, 
and I can get away with things. You 
think Jennings doesn't want to go on 
the nightly news and just say, "Hey, 
Bubba, keep ісіп your pants"? I have 
that luxury. My life is free. You cant 
beat it. 1 never applied myself in high 
school. Гуе coasted my whole life. Fm 
an inspiration to a lot of young people 
who aren't exerting themselves. Be- 
cause of basic cable, you can make it. 
Look at me. I make 2 decent living and 
I'm still not trying, 


5: 

PLAYBOY: Critics have described The 
Daily Show as tasteless, snide, sopho- 
moric, insensitive and cruel. Care to of- 
fer a rebuttal? 

KILBORN: It’s all those things. Why stop 
there? I remember watching Johnny 
Carson once, when he was interviewing 
Dolly Parton. He leaned over and said, 
“Can I just have a little peek?” He im- 
mediately recoiled and his face turned 
red. He said, “I'm so sorry, I lost my- 
self. Would you please forgive me?” 
That was classic Carson. 

There's a place for every kind of hu- 
mor. We know when we should move 
forward on a subject. Monica Lewinsky 
gave us a handful of jokes, and we 
thank her for that. 1 think it was a 
fan—maybe one of the few guys she re- 
jected—who offered us a tape of Moni 
ca's performance in a high school pro 
duction of The Music Man. We paid 
maybe $20 for that thing, so we had to 
use it. We even used it on consecutive 
nights and during the credit roll. We're 
the fun place to be. People in the pub- 
lic eye аге fodder. Sonny Bono's death 
was blown out of proportion. When 
Sonny passed away, we noted in a relat- 
ed story that his daughter Chastity suf- 
fered mild neck strain when she ran 
headfirst into a bush. 


6. 


PLAYBOY: Cite five qualities of a sterling 
anchorperson. 

KILBORN: One: The voice has to be mel- 
lifluous. Talk from the diaphragm 
There are (continued on page 175) 


95 


alk abaut your tax dollars ot wark. The glabal positianing sys- 

tem, a $10 billian satellite navigation netwark devised in the 

Seventies by the Department of Defense, has become the basis 

far a hot cansumer-electranics praduct: the handheld GPS re- 
ceiver. But while the military targets cruise missiles and coordinotes 
troop movements via GPS, we're having fun using the system to mark 
hot fishing spots, plat backcauntry treks and pinpaint gaod restaurants 
in unfamiliar cities. And ta make GPS devices even more useful, manu- 
facturers have combined navigatianal functions with other smart fea- 
tures. If yau dan't want to invest in a full-blawn car navigation system, 
for example, turn yaur natebaok computer inta a guide with Etak's Sky 
Mop Pra (pictured below left with Tashibo's Libretto). This $300 GPS re- 
ceiver works with CD-ROM mapping saftware to find restaurants, 
banks, businesses and mare. Moving to the right, Garmin's NavTalk 
combines a GPS receiver and cellular phane ($500, pending FCC ap- 
proval). Orienteers will dig the display on Magellan's ColorTRAK; it lets 
yau use red, green ond blue to separate paints af interest from places 
to avoid (5280). Eogle's 12-channel Map Guide Pra has a Narth Amer- 
ican map datobase plus a computer cannectian to download addition- 
al map details aff CD-ROM software ($500). Garmin's StreetPilot (top. 
right) is a portable auta-navigatian system with a built-in U.S. map and 
optional data cards that affer details sa specific yov can use them to 
find the lacatian af the nearest ATM (5600, plus $100 ta 5200 o card). 


"aA W 
LOST 2 


no need to ask 


for directions 
when you're ( 
packing gps i 
tech жо 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO WHERE& HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 150. 


98 


My best ideas don't 
come from above—they 


come from below me. 


ARTICLE BY PETER ALSON 


TIRED OF LOVE TAKING 
ITS SWEET TIME? ROSS 
JEFFRIES TELLS YOU HOW 
TO CUT TO THE CHASE 


Hmmm! Did he say, 


That's a really 
penetrating question. I’m 
thinking really hard. 


Why don’t you come 
inside and we'll talk 
about it. 


“BLOW ME”? 


HE PHONE wakes me. It’s 8:15 ам and Im sull 
groggy as the machine picks up. A mysterious 
female voice invades my bedroom. 

"Hey. Peter, this is Vanessa. You called me 
and left a very compelling—psychologi- 
cally compelling—message." 

Suddenly I am wide-awake, sitting up in bed, giddy and 
slightly in shock. 

Jesus, it worked: 

1 feel like the skeptic who finds out that a magic potion ac- 
tually does what the snake-oil salesman said it would do. Let 


Funny! 
I think Г4 like to 


have sex with 


this guy. 


me explain: A few days ago I began listening to a set of tapes 
titled Advanced Speed-Seduction, 13% hours of instruction in 
the art of getting laid, taught by a California geek turned 
lothario named Ross Jeffries. On the tapes, Jeffries says that 
for practice he sometimes leaves messages on women's voice 
mail, and that he has devised one that never fails to get a 
response. 

After having wasted a bit too much time trying to snag the 
perfect woman, I admit to being intrigued by the concept of 
seduction and speed in tandem. The personal-ad gambit 
seemed the ideal litmus test to Jeffries’ claims, a safe and 


Wouldn't you like 
to spend time with a 
man who makes you feel you 
could let down your guard and 
just be comfortable? 
Whose voice soothed you, and 
at the same time 


stimulated you? 


What a crock! 


I could dig it. 


anonymous way to try out his "speed seduction” patterns. So 
yesterday I called a personals 900 line advertised in The New 
York Observer, listened to a number of voices and selected 
Vanessa. (“Ні, fellows. I'm locking for a guy who's looking 
for a girl who likes to read Baudelaire in bed and take long. 
luxurious baths and is not afraid to say what's on her 
mind.") 

But first a confession: A year ago, on an evening when 
browsing personal ads was not part of a magazine assign- 
ment, I left a phone reply to another woman's advertise- 
ment, in which 1 described myself in a straightforward 


ILLUSTRATION BY POLLY BECKER 


On the other hand, hmmm! 


99 


PLAYBOY 


100 


manner as a Harvard-educated jour- 
nalist who likes travel and adventure. 
Surely, I thought, she would be im- 
pressed by the résumé and my sens 
tive, honest voice. 

I am still waiting to hear from her. 

Rewind to yesterday and my Jef- 
fries-scripted message to Vanessa, spo- 
ken in a bedroom voice, with lots of sug- 
gestive pauses: "Vanessa, have you ever 
been really attracted to a man's voice 
while listening to your messages? And 
the warmth of that voice just began to 
wrap itself around you and penetrate 
your thoughts? You began to have cer- 
tain ideas. And maybe as you allowed 
that warmth to heat up into a fire, and 
as your heart began to pound with the 
excitement of that, you realized there's 
something you've got to have, deep in- 
side. You know this is true. So listen, 1 
really liked your message and if vou 
find yourself reaching for the phone, 1 
just want you to know that you should 
take all the time you need in the next 
30 seconds. Here's my phone number." 

You realized there's something you've got 
to have, deep inside? 

Are you kidding me? Did I actually 
say that? Did she actually respond? 

Just to be sure, I ask a friend to call 
and leave her a normal message. In 
other words, to be my control group. 
Five days after her psychologically 
compelled response to me, he still 
awaits a reply. 

Despite my glee at this, I'm in no 
hurry to establish in-person contact 
with Vanessa. For one thing, I’m not 
sure what to say to her for an encore (I 
haven't listened to all the tapes yet); for 
another, I don't want to puncture the 
fantasy, which right now is perfect. 

Like almost all ordinary guys who 
have scen a beer commercial, this is my 
fantasy: to be able to seduce any wom- 
an I want simply by talking to her. 
Since I don't look like Mel Gibson or 
have Bill Gates’ money, words are my 
only hope. 

The fact is, I have known lotharios 
whose only special attribute was a good 
rap. I had a friend in college whose 
success with women was mind-bog- 
gling, given his Napoleonic stature and 
receding hairline. I tried to emulate 
him; we talked about strategy and ap- 
proaches. But his gift was his and I 
could never get it to rub off on me. 
I wasn't hopeless, I just found that 
whenever I got anywhere with a wom- 
an, it was a mysterious occurrence, an 
accident. My friend would ask, “Did 
you get lucky?” not only because that 
was the euphemism we used but be- 
cause luck was the only reasonable ex- 
planation for my occasional success. 
The knack, I concluded, isn't some- 
thing you can learn. 

That is, I thought so until I got Va- 


nessa's message. 

Had I always been wrong? Ross Jef- 
fries certainly thinks so. Nine years 
ago, as a failed comedy writer, he 
penned a self-help book called How to 
Get the Women You Desire Into Bed: A 
Down and Dirty Guide to Dating and Se- 
duction for the Man Who's Fed Up With 
Being Mr. Nice Guy that gave a Nineties 
twist to the Seventies Eric Weber (How 
0 Pick Up Girls) approach. 

Warming to his subject, Jeffries com- 
bined some of the ideas from his book 
with the principles of neurolinguistic 
programming and began developing 
Speed Seduction. Neurolinguistic pro- 
gramming, co-founded by Richard 
Bandler and John Grinder, is an ap- 
proach to psychotherapy that uses lan- 
guage patterns and metaphor to com- 
municate with the unconscious mind. 

For Jeffries, a self-confessed nerd, 
the development of Speed Seduction 
was a personal triumph. By breaking 
down the art of seduction into patterns 
of speech and word formations that 
would eliminate chance, he trans- 
formed himself into the Don Juan he 
had always dreamed of becoming. 

The concept also became а small cot- 
tage empire for Jeffries. The home- 
study tapes go for as high as $345, the 
video version is $195, and the three- 
day “get laid” workshops he teaches 
several times a year will lighten your 
wallet to the tune of $895. He also mar- 
kets other paraphernalia to help shy 
guys snag women, including a hand- 
writing analysis prop that is called the 
Grapho-Deck and a video titled Flirting 
With Magic. 

When combined with his overheated 
back-of-the-comic-book sales pitches 
("How to Totally Mind-Fuck Almost 
Any Woman Into Screwing Your 
Brains Out and Make It Seem Like 
You're Just Having a Normal, Inno- 
cent Conversation!”), one might easily 
condude that Jeffries is just a cheap 
huckster trying to take advantage of 
lonely, horny guys. 

"Talk to my students,” he said to me 
when I raised the issue. “Is it "taking 
advantage’ if the stuff works?” And 
while he admits that about 30 percent 
of his followers are “what you would 
expect them to be,” he claims the other 
70 percent are “edge junkies.” “They 
want to beat the system and they don't 
want to play the dating game. I teach 
them how to get that edge." 

Jeffries tells his students that "wom- 
en don't really want a guy with a great 
body, a handsome face or lots of mon- 
ey. What women want is the emotional 
states they experience when they are 
around a guy with a great body, a 
handsome face, etc." And he guaran- 
tees he can show them how to create 
these states "in virtually any woman, 


using simple but powerful language 
patterns." 

Among the NLP crowd, Jeffries is 
not the most popular guy, the feeling 
being that he is using their great inven- 
tion not for good but for evil. Never- 
theless, his teachings have elicited 
delirious testimonials from his stu- 
dents: "I used your ‘have you ever” 
weasel pattern to score my ultimate 
fantasy: two girls in bed at the same 
time! Thanks!"—Hayden Basanta, 
Winnipeg, Manitoba; “Using your 'in- 
stantaneous connection’ pattern, I got 
a bikini model in bed the same night 
I met he: ‚John Kent, Woodland 
Hills, California; "Not to brag. Ross. 
but it doesn't matter how old she is, if 
she has a boyfriend or husband or if 
I'm her type—nothing matters! You're 
a fucking genius!"—Mark Cunning- 
ham, Maumee, Ohio. 

Whatever qualms I have about Jef- 
fries and the concept of using con- 
scious manipulation to seduce women 
(certainly many of my friends, especial- 
ly the women, find Jeffries’ ideas repel- 
lent), I wonder if I can really claim to 
stand on higher moral ground. I mean, 
when I go out with a woman Гуе just 
met, don't I take care in selecting the 
clothes I wear? In choosing the right 
restaurant? Do I not tell her things 
I think will impress her, stories that 
have made other girls laugh and ad- 
mire my wit? 

Is that any less contrived or manipu- 
lative than what Jeffries teaches? OK, 
maybe I'm not using someone else's 
words. But is that even true? I've ut- 
tered lines from Gide and Whitman as 
if they were my own; Гуе repeated 
things friends have said that I thought 
were clever or interesting; I've affected 
other people's style, the cool way Jean- 
Paul Belmondo rubbed his thumb on 
his lower lip in Breathless or the way 
Bogart inhaled his cigarette. And why? 
To get laid, of course. 

Listening to the tapes, my slight 
queasiness about morality gives way to 
my real fear: that Lam seeking help in 
scoring chicks because I'm some kind 
of loser geek. I can picture my fellow 
geeks at Jeffries’ seminars as they sit in 
masking-taped glasses, discussing the 
science of getting laid. Jeffries says that 
everything he teaches is designed to 
“capture and lead the imagination,” 
but some of the strategies and lan- 
guage patterns sound as if they were 
lifted straight out of a Saturday Night 
Live sketch about seduction. There 
are “blammo” patterns and “weasel” 
phrases. The “boyfriend destroyer.” 
And, of course, the “blow job” pattern, 
in which the would-be Speed Seducer 
Says to an unsuspecting target, “I used 
to think my best ideas came from above 

(continued on page 158) 


me tag on.” 


hoping that everyone would keep their na: 


102 


DRIVING AMBITION 


golf is just one way 
in which 
lisa dergan aims 
to score 


ATCHING UP with Lisa Dergan is not easy. Just 
shy of 28, Lisa is already an in-demand model. You 
may remember her from three What Sort of Man 
Reads Playboy? pages (in June 1996, January 1997 
and January 1998). Now this San Diego-bred beauty 
has turned her talents toward acting (landing parts 
on Silk Stalkings, Renegade and Frasier). We meet as she 
takes a breather after a morning workout at her West 
Los Angeles health club. 

Do you usually start your day with a workout? 
No, coffee. I'm an early bird. I start off with cof- 
fee, and within 30 minutes I'm at the gym. I work 


ош as much as I can. Sometimes that means five days 
a week, sometimes, if I'm traveling a lot, it means 
two, On a typical acting or modeling job, if the call 
time is late enough, I'll go to the gym before the job. 


I prefer working ош in the morning, because my day 
goes so much smoother if I've already been there. 

Q: In college, you studie: 
think you would design for 

A: Yes, I used to be Chili's restaurants’ interior 
decorator in charge of the Western region. I did 
restaurants in northern California and Los Angeles 
and even one in Dallas. That was a great experience 
and a lot of responsibility for a college student. 

Q: And then you were discovered on your college 
campus, right? 

A: Ascout recruited me. 1 always wanted to do typ- 
ical teenage stuff—to be a cheerleader in high school 
and do my own thing. 1 never particularly wanted to 
be a model. Then I interviewed for an agency in Los 
Angeles—Wilhelmina—and my life started getting 


interior design. Did vou 


living? 


Lisa has been a golfer since her mother got her into it at the age of 12. “My mother would play golf ond I didn't wont 
to be home olone,” she soys. "One day my mother took me along but said, ‘You're not here to drive the cart, you're go- 
ing to ploy.” These doys, Lisa says, “1 con hold my own. I've beaten o few guys." We're fine with not keeping score. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


104 


crazy. I was constantly working. 
Туе done some really great cam- 
paigns. I did Guess golfwear ads 
for spring and fall. I did a Miller 
print campaign. They put big 
cardboard cutouts of me in 
liquor stores and in bars. My col- 
lector friends try to rip them out 
of bars whenever they see them. 
And I just shot a Budweiser tele- 
vision campaign. 

Q: At home, you're still a de- 
signing woman, right? 

A: Oh, yeah. I'm Martha Stew- 
art. I'm constantly remodeling. I 
love to do faux finishes and rag 
rolling. I like my place to look 
like Italy. Right now, I've got the 
neoclassical look going on. I have 
iron rods with sheer drapes com- 
ing off the window and puddling 
on the floor. 

Q: You made your first appear- 
ance in PLAYBOY three years ago, 
but you didn't become a Play- 
mate until now. What took so long? 
1 had a boyfriend at the 
time who definitely would have 
freaked. Not that that would 
have stopped me. If anything, 
that probably would have made 
me want to do it even more. I 
just wasn’t ready. In between I've 
been hired for PLAYBOY jobs three 
more times. That's why shooting 
this pictorial was a piece of cake. 
1 enjoy going into the PLAYBOY 
studio every day. I'm friends with 
everybody there. It’s not like 
modeling a product. In these 
pictures I'm the product, so I 


want to put an extra effort into it 


After making the jump from modeling to acting, our July Ploymate landed o smoll port as о 
cheerleader on Frasier and quickly found herself receiving star treatment. “At the time | was top- 
ing, Kelsey Grommer was somewhere off the set and they gave me his dressing room to hong 
out in,” she recalls. “They had me sitting there oll day with my one line. It wos preity funny.” 


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PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: Wa LA 

BUST: 24е, шыт, ZH _ ا‎ 
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BIRTH рате: € 12-722 11421 = prermenace: LURPE (НЕНІ ІС | 2< 
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AP DME DAY BECOME THE NEXT. AMES goi GI... 
LYAHT AT Sunes T LIT A MAN HH? EMEUS AMAZING! 


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turnorrs: ASCII MC еу Te EPLE. 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE: TLNDEPENDENCE, CONFIDENCE AND 
MY DREAM cuy: DRIVEN АГ tripe , WORLD ; NOT 

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I'M ALWAYS...: 1 


ROLE море: _ MICHELE PPEIFFER, KIM BASINGER. SHARON _ 
SIME- TALENTTHAT MACHE THEIR Beauty! 


wy випововну: THE PRLI CAN) 


quercruedep|e J EE ESTE me. bue деше Deg 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


А matron sitting at the counter of a sandwich 
shop was obviously annoyed by the cigarette 
smoke from the young woman seated beside 
her. The older woman turned to the girl and 
bellowed, “Young lady, I would rather commit 
adultery than smoke!” 

“So would I,” the girl replied with a wry 
smile, “but there just isn’t enough time during 
a coffee break.” 


How does a single woman get rid of a cock- 
roach? She asks for a commitment. 


Barre OF THE SEXES DEPARTMENT, C'EST LA DIF- 
FERENCE DIVISION: A man was driving up a 
steep, narrow mountain road. A woman ap- 
proached in the opposite direction. As they 
passed each other the woman leaned out the 
window and yelled, “Pig!” The man immedi- 
ately leaned out his window, shot her the fin- 
ger and hollered, “Bitch!” 

They each continued on their way. As the 
man rounded the next bend he ran into a pig 
in the middle of the road. 


Ап Army grunt stands in the rain after march- 
ing 12 miles with a 35-pound pack on his back 
and says, “God, this is shit.” 

An Army Airborne recruit stands in the rain 
after jumping from an airplane and marchin; 
18 miles with a 45-pound pack on his back an 
says with a smile, “God, this is the shit." 

An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud 
after jumping from a plane into a swamp and 
marching 25 miles at night past the enemy 
with a 55-pound pack on his back and says 
with a grin, "God, I love this shit!” 

A Green Beret kneels in the stinking mud of 
а swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back af- 
ter jumping from an airplane into the ocean, 
swimming ten miles to the swamp and crawl- 
ing 30 miles through the brush to assault the 
enemy camp and says with a passionate snarl, 
“God, give me some more of this shit!” 

An Air Force recruit sits in an easy chair in 
his air-conditioned, carpeted quarters and says, 
“The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?” 


John returned home late and found a naked 
man in his vife's bedroom closet. 

“Hey, what are you doing in there?” 

"I'm riding a bus." 

“That's a stupid thing to say!" 

“That's a stupid thing to ask!" 


THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: A 
beautiful redhead sat down at the bar in a ru- 
ral pub and gestured seductively to the bar- 
man. When he came over to her, she signaled 
for him to bring his face close to hers. “Are you 
the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his 
face with both hands. 

"Actually, no," he replied. 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to 
him," she purred, running her hands up into 
his hair. 

"I'm afraid I can't," the barman answered 
hoarsely. “Is there anything I can do?” 

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a mes- 
sage,” she continued huskily, popping acouple 
of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to 
suck them gently. “Tell him there's no toilet 
paper in the ladies’ room.” 


What does a blonde say when she sees a ba- 
nana peel on the ground? “Oh no, I'm going 
to slip and fall again!" 


John Glenn's custom space shuttle equipment: 

* All important devices are operated by the 
Clapper. 

* Thermostat is set at 80 degrees. 

e Little bowls of hard candy are placed 
around the ship. 

* Bumper sticker: ASK ME ABOUT MY GRAND- 
CHILDREN. 

* Space pants go up to armpits. 

* Turn signal stays on for entire mission. 


Why do so many women fake orgasms? Be- 
cause so many men fake foreplay. 


Bill Gates and the president of GM were at- 
tending a Q. and A. session during a business 
seminar. In answcring a question from the au- 
dience, Gates boasted about the innovations 
his company had made. "If GM had kept up 
with idis eg) the way the computer indus- 
try has," Gates concluded, "we'd be driving 
$25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon." 

“Yes, I suppose that's true,” the GM execu- 
tive agreed. "But would you really want your 
car to crash twice a day?" 


Send your jokes on postcard: to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Minois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
8/00 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot бе returned. 


| 
| 


15 


and this one is 


to help me stop jerking off." 


"This patch is supposed to help me stop smoking, 


116 


Rock*s Book 
of Love 


by 
Gavin Edwards 


everything we needed to know 


about love, SeX and gir 


S we learned 


from rock-and-roll lyrics 


Marvin Gaye preached sexual healing, Mick Jagger complained he 


wasn't getting enough (even though he was) and Alanis Morissette 


bragged about her theatrical head games. Obviously, the next best 


thing to being a rock star is having the love life of one. Now you can. 


All you have to do is to pay attention to what they say in their songs. 


For five decades they have been giving away their secrets and for 


years we have been collecting them. 


The Rock Girl 


SHE'S APPALACHIAN 
"T know a girl, she lives on the hill/She 
won't do it, but her sister will." —ZZ 
Top, “Tube Snake Boogie” 


SHE'S KILN FIRED 
"She know she's got everything a wom- 
an needs to get a man/How can she 
lose with the stuff she use: 36-24- 
36.”—Cornmodores, "Brick House" 


SHE CAN TIDY UP TIBET 
"Girls to do the dishes, girls to clean up 
my room / Girls to do the laundry and in 
the bathroom. "—Beastie Boys, "Girls" 


SHE'S ZOROASTRIAN 


"Catholic girls start much too late." 
—Billy Joel, 


SHE'S A KICKBOXER 
"She had the sightless eyes, telling me 
no lies, knocking me out with those 
American thighs."—AC/DC, “You Shook 
Me All Night Long" 


Only the Good Die Young" 


Sex Tips 


BE DIRECT 


"I don't want to see no panties, "—Barry 
White, "Love Serenade” 


KNOW YOUR UNGUENTS 


"When you're stuck like glue: Vase- 
line."—Elastica, “Vaseline” 


HUMOR HER PET SOUNDS 
“| give you something sweet each time 
you come inside my jungle book." — 
Sophie B. Hawkins, "Damn I Wish I 
Was Your Lover" 


LEAVE NO FINGERPRINTS. 
“Some girls, they like candy, and oth- 
er girls, they like to grind/I'll settle 
for the back of your hand somewhere 
on my behind."—Madonna, “Hanky 
Panky” 


FORGET THE MATH, JUST WEAR LATEX 


“Bea little bit wiser, baby—put it on, 
put it on/'Cause tonight is the night 
(concluded on page 174) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA) 


Lice M 


y Lese аир! 


ам ой 


118 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 


he has the swing, 


the speed, 


the stats and the 


money, 


but 28-year-old ken griffey jr. 


isn't playing for numbers, 


he's playing for history 


by Tom Boswell 


HIS 15 semiserious business. Just semiserious. That's 
because to Ken Grifley Jr., nothing is completely se- 
rious. He won't allow it to be. 

Serious is too scary. Serious is too big and threatening. Se- 
rious makes you think about your place in sports history. 
Your role in society. Your responsibility to your talent. The 
hopes of your parents. The investments of your corporate 
endorsers. The world title fantasies of Seattle fans. And the 
World Series rings your teammates crave. Serious is 62 
home runs in a season, or 756 in a career. 

That kind of seriousness can turn deadly. It can even kill 
you. Or, in Griffey's case, lead you to try to kill yourself. 

When Grifley was ten years old, his mother had to take his 
birth certificate to youth league games to prove that al- 
though he was too good for the other children, he wasn't too 
old for the team. When opposing parents cursed him up 
there on the pitcher's mound, his mother told him to strike 
out the side. Make 'em scream even louder. 

When Griffey was 12, his father—Ken Sr—showed the 
family the swollen scar on his knee from his recent surgery. 
Dad would be out of the New York Yankees lineup for a 
while. In the backyard, Junior still pitched to the gimpy Se- 
nior, but the boy, his arm now strong and his fastball alive, 
carefully kept the ball on the outside corner. “Inside, come 
inside,” Dad yelled. Finally, Junior did, and hit his father full 


force on the surgical incision. The son broke down in tears 
The father stood up. "That didn't hurt,” he said. The game 
continued, and the son threw as hard as he could. Inside. 

When Griffey was 15, he popped out, threw а tantrum 
and told his mother he'd never play baseball again. Current 
mythology has it that the boy had never before made an out 
of any kind in an organized game. Be that as it may, the 
mother says that she told her son, “It’s OK. Your dad makes 
outs all the time.” “I'm not my dad,” said Griffey Jr. “I don't 
make outs." 

When Griffey was 17, right out of high school, he went 
to Bellingham, Washington in the Northwest League. He 
had been drafted number one in the nation by the Seattle 
Mariners. Scouts called him "the best baseball prospect 
ever." He was compared to Willie Mays as a fleet center field- 
€r, and wore the same number, 24. He was compared to Ted 
Williams as a six-foot-three, left-handed hitrer with a swing 
so perfect—long, yet quick—that even on videotape nobody 
could find a flaw. And he was compared to Hank Aaron be- 
cause, clearly, he would end up in the major leagues by the 
age of 20. 

Williams was “the Kid.” Mays had been the “Say Hey 
Kid.” At Bellingham, Griffey slugged over .600 and was 
called “the Kid,” the kind of nickname that gets bestowed 
perhaps once a generation. 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE 


120 


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SEASON BATTING STATISTICS. 


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33» 55 Ca 


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You cen sand your friend a virtual 


‘Jost fiM out the form belot 


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In the batter's box 


How big a star is Ken Griffey Jr? A search on the Web will turn up tens of 
thousands of entries—from the official Mariners site to personol fon poges. 


Griffey, then 18, went home from 
Bellingham and tried to kill himself. 
He took a couple hundred aspirin. In 
the emergency room he said, “I was 27 
points above critical.” 

Griffey recalled the incident several 
years ago, on the only occasion he has 
ever talked publicly about the suicide 
attempt. Why had he done it? “I felt 
like everybody was yelling at me,” he 
said. Then again, maybe the voices 
were only in his head—internal incar- 
nations of all the coaches, scouts, 
friends and family who expected so 
much of him оп a baseball field. Always 
yelling at him, in his own mind, to 
break every record in the books. 

Since then, Ken Griffey Jr., now 28, 
has taken baseball semiseriously. That 
is to say, he has loved it with all his 
heart but, ultimately, he has not taken 
it to heart. He has studied it, but hasn't 
let it monopolize his mind. He will 
dance with baseball but won't slow dance. 

That line of defense is essential 
when, in fact, everybody does yell at 
you almost all the time, telling you to 
hit those 62 home runs—not just 56, as 
Griffey did last year. To win the Most 
Valuable Player award—not once, as he 
did last season, but several times, as 
an immortal should. To win the World 
Series—not just make the playoffs. 
“What's wrong with you, Junior? Why 
can't you carry baseball—old, slow, dis- 
organized baseball—on your back, as 
Michael Jordan has done with basket- 
ball? You have the talent, the smile, the 
youth, the popularity. It's so easy for 
you. Everybody can see that. Just try 
harder. What's your problem, Kid?" 

So now you know why Ken Griffey 


Jr- wears his hat backward. 


In batting practice, in TV commer- 
cials and even in the locker room, that 
cap is always spun around, like that of a 
mischievous teenager who's slacking. 
Some other players do it occasionally, 
perhaps imitating him. But Griffey 
does it constantly. It's his trademark as 
well as his talisman. If he allows his 
game to be fun—if he lets his life be 
fun—he can have both success and joy 
In a family full of high standards, one 
mantra was paramount: Be the best, 
but have fun doing it. Otherwise, 
what's the point? As he has grown, the 
Kid has learned that to be his best, he 
has to stay a kid. A Junior as serious as 
that other Junior, Cal Ripken, might 
explode 

Our entire culture—especially the 
grinding, dutiful, stats-obsessed, 162- 
games-a-season religion of baseball— 
conspires to mess with Griffey's hat. He 
knows that if he turns his cap around 
for too long—if he takes his job, his tal- 
ent and his celebrity too earnestly—the 
pressure of expectation may eat him 

(continued on page 126) 


“John, I want to vent a porno film to see how 
the vest of the world lives." 


121 


SEC» 
С 
Ф 


OF 


d 
& 


THE PRIVILEGE OF POWER: HOW TO RULE THE GREENS, DIAMOND AND COURT 


TIGER WOODS Has a power swing. So do Mike Piazza and An- 
dre Agassi. You want one—indeed, need one—to hit 300- 
yard drives, homers and scorching forehands. The good 
news is, you don't have to spend long hours in the gym 
pumping iron. Speed, flexibility and coordination are as im 
portant as strength. Biomechanically, golf, tennis and sofi- 
ball swings are similar. Power starts from the ground up, in 
the big muscles of your lower body. Through proper hip 


122 PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


article By Larry Olmsted 


Talk about on explosive swing. Hid- 
den inside the 300cc heod of Power- 
Bilt's Air Titanium driver is a chamber 
filled with compressed nitragen, Rein- 
forcing the head with this technology. 
reportedly results in an enlarged 
sweet spot—one of the keys to longer, 
stroighter shots. Price: about $350. 


and shoulder rotation, you coil your muscles like a giant 
rubber band. When you swing, energy is transferred from 
your arms to your hands to your equipment and into the 
ball. We asked a prominent coach from each sport to explain 
the nuances of the power swing and to offer the best training 
drill for getting those arms and hands moving faster. As you 
hone your swings, you'll also want to take advantage of tech- 
nology with the latest power-packed gear on the market 


WHERE 4 HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 15 


The DeMarini Double Wall has been 
called the best bat in softball, thanks 
ta a design that increases the sweet 
spot from an average of 3/4" to 6%" 
А mediocre player can learn ta 
knock the ball out of the park with 
this bat,” says Mike Kelly, о softball 
and DeMarini devatee. Price: $270. 


Call it stealth tennis. Head's new 
titanium and graphite Ti.S7 is the 
world’s lightest tennis racquet, 
weighing in at a mere half a pound 
In additian to its large head and jum- 
bo sweet spot, the Ti.S7 has an extra- 
long reach and a special grip that re 
duces vibrotian. Price: abaut $300. 


124 


SOFTBALL tn nat and baseball, power 
starts with the right stance,” says Charley Lau Jr., a for- 
mer Chicago White Sox hitting instructor who now tutors 
many of the world's best batters. His advice (for righties; 
opposite for lefties): "Keep your left arm close to your 
chest—any time your hands get away from your body, 
your larger muscles can't help you. To start the swing, 
pull the knob of the bat toward the ball and don't swing 
in an arc. Keep your head still, always in the center of 
your body." Lau says a batter should "release the top 
hand from the bat after impact and extend through with 
just the left, or pulling, hand. That gives you 15 to 20 
mph more bat speed." Other hitting instructors disagree, 
and tell you to use both hands to push the bat. "When 
you snap a wet towel, it's a pull that creates the snap, not 


a push," Lau says. We suggest trying both, along with Lau's drill: Assume a normal stance, take your stride, then stop. Start 
from this position, with your weight evenly distributed, your head centered and the bat in the ready position. Take your 
swing without moving your head forward. “It's difficult, because you don't have the stride, so you're forced to rotate your 
hips. If you don't start the swing with your upper body, this drill will teach you the correct movements to maximize power” 


GOLF Crushing a golf ball comes from the back- 
swing. "If you can get into a proper, fully loaded back- 
swing position, you've won the battle,” says Mike Adams, 
director of golf instruction at the PGA National Resort 
and Spa in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. "The down- 
swing is automatic. Anything you try to do on the down- 
е swing will inhibit power.” When it comes to stance, flare 
your toes slightly to either side. This creates resistance in 
the lower body and allows you to coil the upper body to 
create torque. “On the backswing, swing the left arm 
across your chest and let it pull your shoulder behind the. 
ball. winding your upper body against the resistance of 
your lower body," he says. "Keep your left arm against 
your chest. If it separates, there is no body behind the 


Shot and you lose power." Adams drill: "Start this 
strength-and-speed exercise by tying a towel to the head of a club. This adds resistance. Take 10 to 20 full swings as direct- 
ed above. Then turn the club around and hold it by the head, because the handle is lighter and has less resistance. Do 10 to 
20 more swings, fast. You're building and training muscles for strength, then working on speed. These combine to build 
power. You can start with 20 to 30 percent more weight and resistance than a normal club has, then 20 to 30 percent less." 


TENNIS Ез елене EE 


don't know where on the court you'll have to hit your 
next shot. Balls hit hard at you tend to be easier to slam 
back. Those hit low are the best for power, because you 
can take advantage of your larger lower-body muscles. 
According to Larry Wolf, director oFtennis at North Car- 
olina's Pinehurst Resort and Country Club, power is gen- 
erated by rotating your hips and shoulders during the 
backswing. For maximum intensity, you need to bend 
your wrist back, pointing the butt of the racquet toward 
the nct as you rotate your shoulders. "Start with your 
shoulders parallel to the net, and on the backswing, take 
them jus: past perpendicular," says Wolf. “At impact hit 
straight in the direction you want the shot to go." Wolf's 
tennis drill: “Mimic your stroke using a dumbbell. Start 
with two pounds or less. Hold the dumbbell upright, with your wrist flexed back, keeping the dumbbell vertical. Begin with 
your shoulders parallel to the net, rotate your shoulders a little past perpendicular, then shift your weight forward, swing- 
ing from low to high, finishing with your hand above your left shoulder. Keep your wrist back through the point where con- 
tact would be made; it will release on the follow-through. Do this 20 times, gradually increasing the weight to five pounds.” 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY MIKE BENNY 


HATS AN ERECTION worth? Ask the 

man who doesn't have one any- 

more, and you'll understand why 

Viagra may become the hottest pill 
since the Pill. 

As the first oral drug for impotence ap- 
proved by the Food and Drug Administra- 
tion, Viagra stands to transform the treat- 
ment of a condition that blights the 
bedrooms of millions of Americans. It could 
have the most impact on our national sex 
life of any pill since the birth control pill. 
Urologists envision a virtual stampede of 
new patients. And The Wall Street Journal re- 
ports that Pfizer Inc., Viagra’s manufactur- 
er, believes its brainchild could make it the 
biggest drug company in the world. 

Plizer and the doctors who tested Viagra 
have kept discussion on the high-minded 
level of medication for a medical condition, 
perhaps to ensure FDA approval. But some 
enthusiastic users are calling the little blue 
pill a wonder drug that can mean bigger, 
harder erections for the average man. “I 
was 22 years old again," says one 
swinger, who spent a night on Viagra shar- 
ing the pleasures of progress with four 
women. “Viagra has a desensitizing effect," 


more than a cure for 
impotence, viagra 
is the sex drug for 


the millennium 


с, article }, [arl Sherman 


he reports. "I had a two-hour erection. A 
guy can play hard for hours at a time." 

If such testimonials are any indication, 
Viagra is going to be one great drug, a 
power pack that can transform Joe Dokes 
into the Energizer Bunny. Premature ejacu- 
lation, a barrier to pleasure for millions, 
could become an unpleasant memory. 

What's more, the pill may prove an equal 
opportunity eros-enhancer, and not just be- 
cause women have a lot more fun when 
their partners use it. Sexual problems are at 
least as common in women as in men, and 
some rescarchers think that what many call 
lack of desire can mask a failure of arousal 
And like the penis, the clitoris and vagina 
must swell with blood to be aroused. 

Erections happen when spongy tissue in 
the penis fills with blood and stays that way 
long encugh for intercourse. But plenty of 
things can go wrong. High blood pressure 
or atherosclerosis may disrupt circulation to 
the critical region. Diabetes, prostate sur- 
gery or spinal injury may damage nerves. 
Anxiety, depression or just plain stress can 
screw up the mechanism. But whatever the 
cause, only five to ten percent of impotent 


men seek medical (concluded on page 178) 


ILLUSTRATION EY THOMAS SCIACCA 


PLAYBOY 


126 


19 E qu om (continued from page 120) 


As a kid, he was exposed to two of the funniest, vain- 
est locker rooms: those of the Reds and the Yankees. 


alive. Once, it almost did. 

“He lives in a world of 'supposed to 
Ье,” says Mariners pitcher Jamie Moy- 
er. "People are always projecting their 
expectations onto him. That is some- 
thing continually drilled into him. It's 
hard to fathom. Try to put yourself in 
that situation.” 

So that homely homey hat is Griffey's 
reminder to himself of the value—the 
life-preserving, joy-saving, talent-re- 
leasing power—of semiseriousness in a 
dead-serious world. 

As they say in the dugout, Junior's 
gota right to wear his fucking hat back- 
ward. And nobody gets to say shit 
about it. 


Four hours before game time, Grif- 
fey sits in the middle of the Mariners 
locker room, playing cards. His hat is 
backward, a diamond stud in one ear. 
He clamps his poker hand to his chest. 
like a kid, so nobody can peek. A team- 
mate walks past and gives him a hug 
and a wet kiss on the cheek. "Your 
wife's in town. You don't need me," 
snaps Griffey. "No homosexual ten- 
dencies this trip." 

For the next hour, Griffey has similar 
agitating encounters with teammate af- 
ter teammate. Exaggeration and insult 
are the coin of the locker room. іп 
baseball, the degree to which you enjoy 
the game is directly related to how well 
you can turn six months of dead time 
into idle smartass pleasure. 

Alex Rodriguez sneaks up behind 
the card game and clamps his hands 
over Griffey's eyes. 

“Who?” Rodriguez asks. 

“Its Alex,” Griffey says immediately. 

“How did you know?” asks Ro- 
driguez, surprised that one word gave 
him away. 

“No bass yet,” says Griffey to the 22- 
year-old All-Star shortstop. “When you 
get to 23, that’s when the bass tone gets 
in your voice.” 

Everybody cackles at Rodriguez. 
Round to Griffey. 

Minutes later, slugger Jay Buhner 
catches Griffey leaning back in his fold- 
ing chair and grabs him hard by the 
shoulder. The shaven-headed, bearded 
Buhner, who looks like some huge har- 
pooner, almost flips Griffey backward 
onto the concrete floor. Griffey’s eyes 
get big. He’s not just surprised, he’s 
scared. But Buhner stops the fall and 
catches him. Now the laughter is aimed 


at Griffey. Round to Buhner. 

“These people don't realize what big 
hands they have, always hittin’ me,” 
says Griffey, playing for pity that he 
won't get. 

“How ya feelin’, Junior?” asks anoth- 
er Mariner. 

“Im playing with a bad leg,” growls 
Griffey. "Something you wouldn't 
know about.” Truth in jest? A star mak- 
ing a point? Either way, a round to 
Griffey. 

No one anywhere could be more 
comfortable than Griffey is in a big- 
league locker room. He wasn’t born 
there, but as the son ofa 19-season vet- 
eran, he grew up there. He knows 
every trick, gag and nuance. It's his 
natural habitat. Everything is raw ma- 
terial. The TV news, a kind of locker- 
room nightlight for big-league mil- 
lionaires, showsa cop busting some nut 
with a knife. 

“Remember the crazy guy in traffic 
in Seattle?" Griffey says, standing up 
to demonstrate. “He had a samurai 
sword. The cops are shooting sandbags 
at him to knock him out. He stands up 
there in the middle of the street like 
he's in a batter's box, with the sword 
for a bat. He hits the first bag right- 
handed. Then he turns around and 
hits the next bag lefty.” 

A switch-hitting lunatic. “They final- 
ly hosed him down.” 

In many clubhouses, a team's star 
dresses in the corner, so he can have 
privacy. Griffey’s cubicle is in the mid- 
dle of the locker room so he can have 
friends. As he watches a golf tourna- 
ment on TV, teammates drift by to hear 
his stories. They know he plays with 
Tiger Woods, Mark O'Meara and 
chael Jordan. 

"Golfers are crazy," says Griffey. 
“They have expressions for every- 
thing. Hit it in the water, that's a ‘tur- 
tle." Three-putt, that's a ‘snake.’ In the 
sand, that's an ‘Omar,’ ‘cause you're іп 
the desert more than Omar Sharif. 1n 
the woods is a ‘Keebler,’ "cause you got- 
ta chip out. You think you're doing 
ОК, then you find out you're down a 
turde, two snakes and an Omar. They 
gh at you and say, "Рау to 


“What's Payne Stewart like?" asks a 
Mariner. 
“The first time I played with him, һе 
wore false teeth," says Griffey. "They 
were crooked and ugly, and realistic 
enough so you'd think they were his 


real teeth. On the 18th green, Payne 
took them out and said, "Why didn't 
you say anything about my teeth, 
тап? 1 told him, ‘I’ve seen your big 
house on the lake. If you got that much 
money, the first thing you would do is 
fix those teeth. Don't try to pull rookie 
tricks on me." 

"Mr. Floyd asked me to play in his 
pro-am,” adds Griffey, referring to Ray 
Floyd. “1 practiced every day for a 
month. I was so nervous. In baseball, if 
it’s foul, it's foul. In golf, if you hit it 
foul, you re-tee. And people are mut- 
tering, ‘Man, you ain't no good." 

Griffey's manneris so easy you might 
mistake him for a soft touch. But he’s 
not. A TV guy asks for an interview— 
but he does it wrong. He's polite. 

“1 don't do TV,” snaps Griffey. 

The TV guy backs away; he's failed 
his test. Round to Griffey. Soon, anoth- 
er TV guy appears. This one's a pro. 
He challenges Griffey to a golf match 
the next day. Got it all set up. Going to 
clean Junior's pockets. 

"Lou Piniella gave me the scouting 
report on you," says Griffey. "Lost it. 
Game's gone. Left it in Lost Wages." 

“Got two minutes for a live sho: 
TV guy asks casually. 

“That'll work,” says Griffey. 

Every team has a tone, usually set by 
a few dominant personalities. As a 
child, Griffey was exposed to two of 
the funniest, vainest, sharpest-tongued 
locker rooms in sports—those of the 
Seventies’ Cincinnati Reds and the 
Eighties’ New York Yankees. Those 
were caste-system clubhouses with an 
undercurrent of meanness. Pete Rose 
and Graig Nettles could say whatever 
they wanted—but sometimes Merv 
Rettenmund and Butch Wynegar 
couldn't. 

The Mariners clubhouse has the 
same edge, but with a kinder side. Says 
Moyer, who has played for six big. 
league teams: "Junior allows you to 
ride him. He can give it. But you may 
give it, too. To him, this is like being at. 
home." 

Out of the corner of his eye, Griffey 
sees some horseplay between players 
and a woman reporter. “That's harass- 
ment," he says, half to himself but loud 
enough to be overheard. "Wrap that 
thing around your waist." Towels are 
put back on. 

"I have to know everything that: 
ing on around me,” says Griffey, 
in case I don't want to be there when 
things go bad. You can't let yourself be 
seen in certain situations. The way itll 
come out is, ‘Griffey and some others 
were involved in. . . .' My dad told me, 
‘If you get in trouble, get in trouble by 
yourself. Don’t let somebody else get 
you in trouble.” 

(continued on page 142) 


the 


"Adultery is a tender and beautiful thing, Melissa—let us not cheapen it." 


127 


“Put Mr. 
Spielberg 


on hold" 


trey parker and 
matt stone adjust 
to success, 

"south park" style 


N A BITTERLY cold night 8000 feet up in 
the Rocky Mountains, the lobby of the 
St. Regis Hotel in Aspen is ground zero 
for people who make people laugh— 
and for people who make money from 
people who make people laugh. This 
is the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival, an 
annual showcase and shmoozefest for 
buyers and bookers, stand-up stars and 
wannabe comics. In the St. Regis, the 
crowd that spills forth from the lob- 
by bar is meeting and greeting with a 
vengeance. 

Out of this social melee strolls a tall 
man with a thatch of (mostly) blond 
hair that appears not to have seen a 
comb during the Clinton administra- 
tion. He has a glazed look in his eyes: 
He's a little dazed, maybe a little 
drunk, definitely wary of all these pro- 
fessionals. He's wearing an untucked 
blue shirt unbuttoned halfway down 
his chest, a baggy pair of shiny sweat- 
pants and clunky sneakers, He makes a 
beeline to a similarly unkempt pal with 
a head of brown curls who's wearing a 
white Mao T-shirt. A few eager, well- 
dressed festivalgoers watch him pass. 
"Isthat him?” whispers one woman ur- 
gently. The man she's with looks him 
over, then nods slowly. "Could be," he 
says. “Не has that look, like he might 
be a creative genius." 

It's not the first time that has been 
said about Trey Parker. He's also been 
called a menace to society and a cor- 
rupter of our (continued on page 169) 


article by Steve Pond 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BOSWICK 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


ШШ 
ПЫ 


karen mc dougal takes a bow 


Last December, Karen McDougal went on a modeling assignment to Cabo San Lucas and was sur- 
prised at the celebrity welcome she received. “Everyone there seemed to know who I am,” says 
Miss December 1997. “I was out dancing and everybody was bringing me things to sign. I guess 
Playboy Mexico had just come out and people recognized me.” Back in the U.S.A., where the De- 
cember issue had already been out for weeks, Karenmania was sweeping the nation. The former 
preschool teacher with the Irish eyes, Cherokee cheekbones and "bubble butt" was an over- 
whelming favorite іп the PLAYBOY Readers’ Poll, on the Internet and with viewers of Playboy TV. 


Karen's crawded garage already houses a BMW 528 and a Toyota Camry. Now, along with her 
PMOY check for $100,000, she receives this Shelby Series 1 (above). “I'm gaing to have Caroll Shel- 
by sign it,” she says. Below, Karen sends a message af love from St. Lucia, where we shat this ріс- 
torial. "It was a big secret that I wos PMOY," she says. "They told me | was gaing ta shoot a calendar.” 


"Is all that tru she asks 
modestly. "That's really cool 
I'm honored.” 

But, wait—as they say— 
there's more. This 2 ar- 
old beauty is also our Play- 
mate of the Year. 

“It’s the biggest thing that's 
happened to me,” she says, 
soaking up the afternoon sun- 
shine in a park near the 


Playboy Mansion, where she's 
staying while shooting the 


Playmate of the Year video. 
Our chat offers Karen a rare 
moment of relaxation. ^I have 
little time to myself," she says 
"I work weekends, and when 
I'm not working, I'm doing 


interviews with other PLAYBOY 


(0€ 

7 con mointoin her 
sleek figure and her junk- 
food hobil, Koren replies, 
"| must hove very good 
genes." Finally, a compel- 
ling argument for cloning. 


people, going to wardrobe fittings, things like that. It's not like my own free time, but it's not really work, either." 

Karen is used to this kind of pace. "I'm the Energizer Bunny,” she says. “I average maybe four or five hours of sleep a 
night." The fourth of five children raised by her mother and stepfather in the tiny hamlet of Sawyer, Michigan—“You blink, 
you miss it,” she says—Karen went оп to live near Detroit. She quit her teaching job to devote herself to modeling. Along 


the way, she won the local Venus International Swimwear competition and moved to Los Angeles to break into acting. "I 
want to play everything from a mother to a rebellious teenager to a bitch to a sexy girlfriend," she says. Karen has plans for 


real-life roles, too. She 
plans to eventually open 
a learning center for chil- 
dren. “But not in Los Ап- 
geles. It's too crowded 
here," she explains. “1 
want to go to a smaller 
community that doesn't 
have a lot of money." Our 
heartland girl also finds 
Hollywood to be a culi- 
nary culture shock. “Ev 
erybody here cats really 
healthfully,” she explains. 
“I eat out, and there is 
no gravy on my mashed 
potatoes. They eat their 
sushi and little vegeta- 
bles. Give me red meat 
and junk food.” Fortu- 
nately, our Playmate of 
the Year is handy in the 
kitchen—a craft that she 
learned from her mom 
‘After I left home, I 
would call her and ask, 
"How do you make this? 
How do you make that? 
Now, I can make meat- 
loaf, baked ham with 
brown sugar and cloves, 
pizza, lasagna, spaghet- 
ti—real fauening stuff!” 
With these domestic 
skills it shouldn't be hard 
for Karen to achieve her 
goal “to be a great moth- 
er and a super wife.” But 
for now, she says, "I'm fo- 
cusing on my career, b 
cause my relationship is 
strong enough," refer- 
ring to her beau of more 
than three years. "What's 
one or two years of build- 
ing a career when we can 
have the next 50 togeth- 
er?” That sounds like a 


perfect deal to us 


Kur boyfriend 
loved the idea of 


her posing until his friends 
sow the December 1997 is- 
sue. Then, she soys, "he 
wos over their shoulders, 
going, 'Don't look too long.” 


PLAYBO 


142 


TEUM (oua fon page 126) 


“My dad told us that to be the best, you have to be four 
times better than anybody else,” says Griffey. 


Most of the time Ken Griffey Jr. is 
happy. He's having just as much fun as 
it appears he is. “Griffey loves to play the 
game,” says former Orioles manager 
Davey Johnson. “It shows, and that’s 
pleasant to see." The expectations that 
sit on his shoulders like gargoyles—and 
the occasional eruptions and tantrums 
that are part of his nature—are usually 
quickly forgotten. That's because he has 
his father's baseball temperament. 

Unlike almost every other eminent 
athlete in modern American sports, Grif- 
fey doesn't fully embrace his superstar- 
dom. That makes him powerfully ap- 
pealing to some, but enigmatic to others. 
Perhaps he's relatively unimpressed with. 
himself because as a kid, he was on a 
first-name basis with such stars as John- 
ny Bench, Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, Tom 
Seaver, Tony Perez, Dave Winfield, Tom- 
my John, Graig Nettles, Ron Guidry, 
Don Mattingly, Rickey Henderson, Phil 
Niekro and, of course, Ken Griffey Sr. 

Junior's dad had more hits (2143) 
than Bench, more steals (200) than Rose, 
more runs scored (1129) than Mattingly, 
a higher career batting average (.296) 


than Henderson and more World Se- 
ries rings (three) than Niekro. Senior, 
the MVP of the 1980 All-Star Game, was 
big time. 

So baseball—and even being a baseball 
star—was never anything more than the. 
family business to Junior. Lee May, who. 
hit 354 homers, was just a Cincinnati 
neighbor from down the street when Ju- 
nior was growing up. "Lee's head looks 
like a lightbulb,” says Junior. “You know, 
square on the bottom, then a big bulb on 
top. So, I call him 100 Watt. Lee's son is 
50 Watt. And his grandson is 25 Watt.” 
So much for the mystique of legendary 
ballplayers. 

Junior wasn't haunted by his father's 
failures nor driven by his demands. 
Maybe you had to know Senior back 
then to understand the source of Ju- 
nior's spontaneous high spirits. Nobody 
in baseball had a more explosive, unre- 
strained smile, or less self-importance, 
than Senior. He was always semiserious, 
too. He studied the game; he played 
hurt and went into walls. But most of the 
time, he just liked to laugh. In winter 
ball in Puerto Rico in the Seventies, Grif- 
fey and Danny Driessen would be in the 


“Гт sorry, Frank, but when you said you like sexy lingerie, 
I naturally assumed you meant on me.” 


batting cage when one of them would 
begin laughing about something silly 
and the other would catch on. Once they 
started, neither could stop laughing. 
They were like ten-ycar-olds. 
come on, mahn,” Driessen would s; 
and that would really set off G 
who'd raise his laugh an octave, Re- 
porters would go off and interview 
somebody, then come back and Griffey 
and Driessen would still be eyeing each 
other, worried that one of them would 
crack up and start the whole lunatic 
cycle again. 

When Junior says, around a ballpark, 
"Lam my father,” you can believe it. And 
when he says his father taught him only 
two rules to live by in baseball, you can 
believe that, too. 

Rule one: Don't show up anybody on 
the field. 

Rule two: Have fun. 

"That was it. Don't you wish it were 
that easy to teach your kid the family 
business? 

The senior Griffey kept his ambition 
concealed behind his grin. But his eyes 
could get hard. And batting slumps 
drove him crazy. You could tell if he was 
hot or nor just by his demeanor. 

"We're all like that,” says Junior. “We 
may not look it on the outside, but O- 
for-fours are hard and O-for-fives are 
extremely tough." 

Going five at bats without a hit is "ex- 
tremely tough"? Most players don't even 
notice a few bad games. 

"My dad told us that to be the best, 
you have to be four times better than 
anybody else,” says Griffey. "He didn't 
care what you did, as long as you were 
the best. He grew up that way." 

Was the overcompensation because 
his dad was black? “No,” says Griffey, “It 
was because he was from a small town, 
Donora, Pennsylvania." 

As with father, so with son. The grin is 
real, but so is the self-imposed pressure 
beneath it; to be not just better but four 
times better than anybody else. 

“My father has my attitude. I may not 
look it, but I concentrate so much that 
sometimes I don't hear people who are 
in the same room. I block out every- 
thing. My wife will talk to me, then re- 
fuses to believe I haven't heard her." 

Off the field, Junior is his mother's 
son. Like so many children of big-leagu- 
ers, Griffey's memories are of a father 
who wasn't there. Perhaps the longest 
the two have ever spent in each other's 
company was during the 1990 and 1991 
seasons, when they became the first fa- 
ther-son combination to play for the 
same team— Junior in center field and 
Senior in left. “It was six weeks and he 
couldn't go anywhere. I had him," says 
Junior. “We were teammates at the ball- 
park and father and son at home." 

For most of his growing up, howev- 
er, Alberta "Birdie" Griffey was the 
boss. "We were spoiled," says Griffey of 


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himself and his brother Craig, who has 
played for the Reds and Mariners orga- 
nizations. "But not to the point where we 
didn't know what was right and wrong. I 
knew who was the boss. That wasnt a 
question at my house. It's still not a ques- 
tion. My mom used to say, ‘I brought you 
into this world, and I can take you out." 

"Then my dad would say, 'And we can 
make another one who looks just like 
you, so we won't miss you.” 

Even though Griffey makes $8.5 mil- 
lion a year and has a wife and two young 
children, his mom still gets in her licks. 
“H I get out of line," says Junior, “she 
still says, "You can be seven-foot-six but I 
will stand on a chair and look you in the 
eye and tell you what I think.” 


If Alberta Griffey had been at the 1997 
All-Star Game, she would have given her 
son an earful. After a late-night flight, 
Griffey looked exhausted. But because 
he'd received more All-Star votes than 
any other player, and because he had 30 
home runs at the break, he had to talk. 

“I'm the Rodney Dangerfield of base- 
ball. I'm well liked but not respected, 
said Griffey in a whine that made him 
sound like a spoiled, well-to-do child 
who'd forgotten how everyone else lives. 
“No matter what I do, that’s what I'm 
supposed to do, and it’s never quite 
enough. I could hit 55 homers and peo- 
ple would think I should hit 70. I went 
ten games without a home run and it was 
all over ESPN. People think it’s easy for 
me— but it ain't easy.” 

For Griffey, this is about as bad as it 
gets. Sometimes he lets the world reach 
into his head and mess with him. Instead 
of counting his blessings and enjoying 
his gifts, he listens to the wrong people. 
Soul philosopher James Brown once 
said, "Some people don't want you hap- 
ру. but they won't come right out and 
say it. 

Could he have meant Barry Bonds? 

"You can't just go to the All-Star Game 
every year because you're the fans’ 
favorite, like Griffey,” says Bonds, the 
three-time National League MVP. “He's 
got all the endorsements in the world. 
He's got everything. But don't think he 
has got what he should get. He needs to 
take over the league, like he has the abil- 
ity to do. Get those 60 home runs out of 
the way, so everyone can stop talking 
about it. Win some MVPs. Quit letting 
people sneak by him to have a slightly 
better year. Junior has the ability to ac- 
complish things nobody else will ever be 
able to accomplish. 

“In fact, I've never seen anybody like 
him—besides myself,” Bonds adds. “I 
took the game to another level. But Ju- 
nior can take it to a level beyond that.” 

That is exactly what Griffey doesn't 
need to hear. It’s expectation, raised to 
the nth degree. Get those 60 homers out 


144 of the way. Win some MVPs. Piece of 


cake. You'd almost think Bonds was in- 
tentionally piling on the pressure. 

If Griffey is the best-liked star in base- 
ball, Bonds may be the least favored. Ju- 
nior's face shines. He plays best when fu- 
eled by joy. Barry’s face often turns sour. 
He feeds off anger. Yet they have been 
friends for 11 years. When Griffey was 
17, Bonds, then 23 and already in the 
majors, sought out the Kid—for dinner 
and advice. An odd couple, indeed. 

Both are the sons of superior players. 
Barry's father, Bobby—always smart but 
sometimes angry—hit 332 homers and 
stole 461 bases, yet he bounced among 
eight teams in his last eight seasons. And 
both sons were raised with the possibility 
that they would become baseball giants. 
Now, Griffey and Bonds have ended as 
finalists in the Best All-Round Player in 
Baseball debate. 

Like his father, Barry has a world- 
weary wisdom and an acute view of those 
around him. Unfortunately, like his fa- 
ther, he's also sensitive to criticism. Bar- 
ry plays best when he's trying to prove 
something. Griffey excels when he tries 
to prove nothing—except what a neat 
deal it is to play ball every day. 

"This contrast seems most stark when 
we examine Griffey's take on hitting 62 
home runs. What wouldn't Bonds give 
to have this record of records to shove in 
his critics’ faces? Griffey, meanwhile, 
couldn't care less. It's even possible he'd 
rather not own the record, and the ex- 
pectations that go with it. 

“You never heard those expectations 
come from me—the 6] home runs, the 
150 RBI,” says Griffey. “I don't care 
about hitting home runs. My dad always 
said, ‘If you hit 50 homers, that’s 50 hits. 
What are you going to do the other 600 
at bars? But thar's all people want to 
see—the home runs. 

"In 20 or 30 years, they're not going 
to think about a particular number. Like 
when people look back at Willie Mays, 
they just say, "Willie had a great year. 
They don't say he had exactly so many 
home runs ог RBI. 

“I don't really talk much about myself. 
1 don't think Im the best player. I don't 
worry about it. I just want to go out 
and play. And tomorrow, I can always 
improve." 

Focusing on the resulis—and on the 
process that creates those results—can 
produce spectacular careers. But ath- 
letes who concentrate just on the process 
are usually far more content. Play free 
association with Griffey and this is what 
you get: 

Babe Ruth. “He had fun.” 

Roger Maris. “His hair fell out." Grif- 
fey likes his hair. 

Almost everything about Griffey im- 
presses, even awes, other big-leaguers. 

“He has the perfect swing," says team- 
mate Edgar Martinez. 

"He looks locked-in on every pitch— 
it seems effortless, like batting practice," 


says Mike Piazza of the Dodgers. 

A few years ago, manager Piniella 
would nag, "I need more. You can give. 
me more." But now he says, "He's the to- 
tal package. He makes things happen so 
gracefully. But first and foremost, he is а 
slugger." 

Griffev's power amazes his peers but 
mystifies many fans. Perhaps they never 
saw enough of Ted Williams, the Splen- 
did Splinter, who hit 521 home runs de- 
spite his tall, slender build. 

“1 don't lift weights,” says Griffey. 
“Never have. I probably can't bench- 
press 200 pounds. The barrel of my bat 
is probably bigger than my biceps. Flexi- 
bility is the key. Look at Tiger Woods. 
Tr's the rubber-band effect. Pull them 
suckers way back." 

Coaches love to analyze the Griffey 
method. His swing plane is slightly up- 
ward, like Williams', not the downward 
chop taught by some of today's swing in- 
structors. Yet Griffey, like a fine golfer, 
keeps the bat going "down the line” 
longer than most hitters do. In golf, that 
means accuracy. In baseball, it means 
you can be fooled by a pitch—mistime it 
by a foot in the hitting zone—yet still пай 
it squarely. 

While other hitters study tapes and 
keep files on pitchers, Griffey's big 
breakthrough in hitting theory is to have 
somebody on his team sneak up behind 
him and grab his bat while he's in his 
stance beside the batting cage. Honest. 

“If somebody grabs the barrel of the 
bat when it's behind your head, can you 
tell where his hand is on the bat? On the 
end? On the label? On the sweet spot? 
Knowing where the barrel is—that's half 
the battle," says Griffey. 

"Can you deliver the barrel to the 
ball? If you don't have a feeling for 
where the barrel is, how can you keep 
from getting jammed? If I wrap the bat 
too far behind. sometimes I lose the 
feel." 

Above all, Griffey has a swing that's 
compact on the back end—before the 
ball is hit—but long and fully extended 
after contact. Thar's perfect golf theory, 
too. No wonder he likes to play long 
drive with Tiger. "Quick and short to the 
ball, but extended to a high finish—like 
a boxer throwing a punch through his 
target," says former Orioles coach John 
Stearns. "It's perfect." 

"Griffey has earned the right to have 
everybody in the game compare other 
great players to him. He's the measuring. 
Stick," continues Stearns. “He's only 28 
and has almost 300 homers. He hits 45 
a year. So in ten years, he could have 
700—and he'd be only 38. A hundred 
years from now, people are going to talk. 
about Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Willie 
Mays, Ken Griffey Jr. We're watching 
history. His numbers arc going to stand 
forever." 

Maybe. The player people often forget 


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PLAYBOY 


to mention—Hank Aaron—got his 755 
homers not only because he was great 
but also because he played the game 
with control. He didn’t dive recklessly, 
collide with catchers or, especially, run 
into outfield walls. He played hard. but 
not flat-out. Griffey, however, lives for 
the highlight film—the third-deck home 
run, the climb-the-fence catch, the hero- 
ic throw. He has every skill. To the max. 
Those eight Gold Gloves and his tape- 
measure blasts mean more to him than 
mere stats. 

But he pays a price. In 1996, he broke 
a bone in his right wrist simply by swing- 
ing and missing. You do that when you 
try to hit the ball 500 feet—as Griffey 
has—even though 400 feet usually suf- 
fices. They put that B&O Warehouse out 
beyond the right field wall of Baltimore's 
Camden Yards for a reason—the same 
reason they have a fifth deck at the Sky- 
dome and those waterfalls in Kansas 
City. It's so somebody, every decade or 
so, can hit one there. And Junior wants 
that somebody to be him. 

Even worse for Griffey is the lure of 
the amazing outfield catch. It’s the one 
play in baseball that, for acrobatics, dan- 
ger and breathtaking personal signa- 
ture, is the diamond equal to the best 
slam dunks in the NBA. It's the one time 
Griffey can prove that a star in staid old 
baseball is every bit as pure and coura- 
geous as anyone else in sports. Nobody 
goes to the wall, and above it, like Grif 
fey. And he pays for that, too. 

On May 26, 1995 Griffey almost end- 
ed his career. He made an amazing 
catch, which has been replayed endless- 
ly, to rob Kevin Bass of an extra-base hit. 
Then he smashed his left wrist to smith- 
ereens on the Kingdome wall. It wasn't 
even an important play in a close game. 
It was simply a chance for art to be cre- 
ated. Griftey broke both major bones іп 
his wrist, underwent three hours of sur- 
gery the next day and had a four-inch 
metal plate and seven screws inserted 
in his wrist. 

“1 had never had surgery before," 
Griftey recalls. “All I asked the doctor 
was, "Will I play адай 

“He said, “Yeah. That's all I needed to 
hear” 

Griffey came back in time to face the 
Yanks in the playoffs. He didn't do 
much. He hit only five homers in five 
games—tying Reggie Jackson's postsea- 
son record. 

“People don't realize what I deal with 
on a day-to-day basis,” says Griffey. “I 
break both wrists and when I go back 
out there, it's supposed to be like I was 
never hurt.” 

That's the voice of the whining, get- 
no-respect Griffey. But it’s also a voice 
that begs the question: Why does a guy 
who really might hit 800 homers on 
cruise control take such risks? 

Because that's the way a guy with his 


146 hat on backward would play it. That's 


the joyful, go-with-the-flow approach. 
And for Griffey, it's also the less scary 
approach to the game. For him, there 
is something more frightening than 
smashing his wrist on a wall: What if 
Griffey didn’t run into walls, dive for 
every catch and swing for the waterfalls? 
What would that mean? 

It would mean that you and your tal- 
ent—those 62 homers in 1999 or 2001, 
and that 756th home run in 2008 or 
2010—are so serious, so important, so 
defining of who you are and how you 
must act, that you are a prisoner inside 
the walls of your own life. It's not 
enough that you're the ballplayer son of 
a ballplayer, and that you've never 
thought of being anything but a ballplay- 
er. Now you can't even chase a goddamn 
fly ball. climb a wall, maybe break a 
bone, because you're too precious, too 
essential, too much the franchise to take 
the risk. 

So don't count those 756 homers too 
fast. It's possible that Griffey, deep 
down, doesn't want them and will find a 
way not to get them. Every suicide is a 
murder. Who does Ken Griffey Jr. want 
to kill? 

"The only person you measure your- 
self by is you," he says. “I have to play 
the only way I know how to play, and 
whatever happens, happens. This is only 
a small part of my life. How long can one 
play? Thirteen years?" 

That would be 2001, when Griffey is 
only 31. You might want to write down 
the date, then watch Griffey now, while 
he's hitting 50 homers, winning Gold 
Gloves, wearing his hat backward and, 
against all odds, being himself while en- 
during the suffocating expectations of 
his sport. 


Many great athletes go through a 
sweet spot in their careers when almost 
all publicity turns to gold. The parts of 
them that glitter seem to catch the light, 
and whats in shadow stays hidden. 
That's where Griffey is right now. 

In his early seasons in the majors, 
Griffey seemed to be nagged constantly 
by his elders. And they had reason. Why 
did he ignore scouting reports on future 
pitchers? Why did he jake on routine 
grounders? Why did he sometimes play 
entire games with his mind seemingly 
somewhere else? Why did he once lose 
his temper and give the finger to the 
igers’ dugout as he rounded third after 
a home run? And why did he occasional- 
ly pop off at Mariners management for 
not spending enough to surround him 
with quality teammates? 

Time, as well as dramatically increased 
home run totals, has a tendency to 
change our perceptions. Once, there 
were plenty of anecdotes and quotes 
about Griffey, the incipient spoiled brat, 
the kid who showed up for his first 
spring training in a BMW. Now, it would 


take a subpoena and truth serum to get 
many people in baseball to rip Junior. 

First, his power production increased. 
He hit 45 homers in 1993. That got 
some folks off his back. Then, in 1994, 
the strike robbed him of a chance at the 
Maris record. In only 111 games he hit 
40 homers—a pace for 58 in 160 games. 
Suddenly, Griffey got the sympathy ac- 
corded to a victim. Then, in 1995, his 
terrifying wrist injury showed every- 
body how hard he played, what risks he 
took and how precious he was to base- 
ball's future marketing. He was, in short. 
irreplaceable. 

In 1997 he won his first MVP award. 
In the past two seasons Griffey has hit 49 
and 56 homers while piling up 140 and 
147 RBI. When you also hit .300, win 
the Gold Glove and have your cheerful 
smile plastered on enough TV commer- 
cials to pull in $4 million a year in en- 
dorsements, your image is pretty much 
bulletproof. What we have here is a play- 
er who over the past five seasons has hit 
207 homers in 636 games. That's an av- 
erage of 53 homers per 162 games. Face 
it, the Kid isn’t just the bomb. When it 
comes to homers, a healthy Junior is the 
Babe. a 

Still, Griffey's flaw is that he's not 
Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. Like 
them, he has the looks, smile, polish, tal- 
ent and style to sell a sport. When they 
play golf together, you wonder who on 
earth could make it a fourth. Yet Air and 
Tiger are money magnets for their 
games. Griffey isn't, largely because he 
doesn't want to be. 

"When I'm in dress clothes and don't 
have on a baseball hat, I look a lot dif- 
ferent," says Griffey, who wears little 
jewelry, usually dons subdued black- 
and-white outfits and often carries a 
briefcase, further modifying his look. 
“When I go out in public, few people 
recognize me. The majority of the time, 
I can slide." 

Neither Jordan nor Woods wants to 
slide. They have an adult sense of re- 
sponsibility that costs them plenty in 
time and aggravation. Griffey docsn't 
have that. Or, to be fair, he has it only 
when the mood strikes him. 


When Griffey met his future wife, 
Melissa, he was in the major leagues but 
still living in a bachelor pad. “Everything 
was leather. No pictures on the walls, ex- 
cept the ones that come in the frames. A 
girl comes over and asks, Who are these 
people? Your family? And you say, ‘I 
don't know. They just came with the 
frame.” 

The license plate on one of Griffey’s 
five cars says FEAR NO ONE. But to those 
who have known him longest, that motto 
should be TRUST NOONE. Or, at least, don't 
trust anyone too much. Just how cau- 
tious is Ken Griffey? Until last year, he 


¡IA 


147 


"How come we never do anything I want to do?" 


PLAYBOY 


148 


kept every cent of his money—millions 
of dollars—in a savings account. Не 
passed up potential profits from invest- 
ments because “I just didn't trust any- 
body." 

In romance, Griffey was equally care- 
ful. With a thousand gold diggers per- 
petually outside the clubhouse, he was 
on guard. "I was always taught," Griffey 
says, "that you have to find a girl who 
loves you for you, not for your money.” 

Griffey thought that would be diffi- 
cult, but then he got lucky. At an under- 
21 dub, a girl named Melissa asked him 
to dance. That impressed him—he usu- 
ally did the asking. When she added, 
"You don't have to," he liked that, too. 
When they danced, "She was all over 
me. I was kind of backing up the whole 
time," he says now, laughing at himself. 
“I don't like people touching me.” 

A lot of major-league ballplayers have 
difficulty judging the motives of women. 
“You can tell the guys in baseball who 
are going to go bankrupt. That's not go- 
ing to be me,” says Junior. "You know, 
"Wife spends the money. Griffey goes 
bankrupt." 

Griffey was used to seeing his mother 
show up at the park dressed casually. 
"What was she going to do," he muses, 
"chase two kids while wearing pumps?" 
Likewise, Melissa went to the park 
dressed like a normal human being. 
That's to say, without a fur coat and 


enough jewelry for a formal ball. 

“Most of the other wives and girl- 
friends dressed, you know, to make sure 
everybody knew their men were on the 
field,” says Griffey. 

After one such ballpark appearance, 
Melissa cried and told Griffey, “1 don't 
feel like I belong." 

To Griffey, that was good. “I told her, 
"You're dressed like your bank account. 
They're dressed like their husbands’ 
bank accounts.'" 

At 28, Griffey no longer wonders if 
he'll ever find a woman who really loves 
him and who will give him a family like 
the one in which he grew up. 

"My wife went through all the tests 
and she passed them," he says. "If she 
spends $5000 a year on herself, that's a 
lot. She's not a typical baseball wife.” 

She doesn't give interviews about her 
husband, either. 

Melissa's mother died of heart failure 
two days after the 1997 All-Star Game. 
She was 54. Though the worst pain was 
Melissa's, perhaps it's to Griffey's credit 
that he went into a slump for the rest of 
July—hitting only two home runs. As a 
footnote to history, that may have cost 
him a shot at Maris' record. 

Baseball lives are hard to evaluate, es- 
pecially in their early stages. The strains 
and excesses of the lifestyle can hardly 
be exaggerated. The personality with 
which you arrived can change while 


“Pm an independent filmmaker, so of course there'll be no casting 
couch. We'll have to do it in the back of my Toyota.” 


you're not watching. You can misplace 
your soul easier than a pair of cuff links. 

But Griffey is more solidly grounded 
than most. Sometimes he even says 
things that might be wise. He seems sin- 
cere when he says of his money, “I can't. 
spend it all. Why try? How much is 
enough?” 

Ultimately, the Griffeys are about fam- 
ily. Now they have a son, Trey, who's 
four, and a daughter, Taryn, who's two 
and a half. Junior is hooked on father- 
hood and family. He reads dinosaur 
books at bedtime and drives Trey to 
preschool. There won't be a Ken Griffey 
Ш. But there is Trey. That's Junior's 
way of continuing the tradition. The kid 
has a chance, if the grandparents don't 
ruin him. 

“My mom has a white couch—we 
weren't even allowed in that room. Well, 
Trey went in there with a blue Sharpie 
pen." The toddler nailed everything in 
the room, couch included. "When 1 saw 
it, I was like, ‘I’m sorry, Mom. Beat me, 
not him.’ She didn't even care. She acted 
like he was Picasso. If it had been me, I 
would have been grounded for life. 'No 
dating Ш you're 50.7” 

The first time Trey cursed, Grandpa 
wasn't mad—he was impressed. Damn 
right. "Only three years old and he used 
the word properly," said Senior. 

*He reminds us so much of you," 
Birdie tells Junior. 

“Ме?” says Griffey. “The only swear- 
word I got to say was when we went to 
Christopher Lee's Chinese Restaurant. 1 
could order the poo-poo platter." 

Actually, the three generations of Grif- 
feys may end up looking like most close 
families. "I'm ornery,” says Junior. “I 
have a determination that people don't 
often understand. It will never go away. 
Гуе always had it. You're born with it. 
My kids act just like me, that's the scary 
part. They're competitive already. We'll 
race in the house and wrestle. Trey al- 
ways wants to play—but rough. He won't 
back down. No matter, he's going to get 
the last lick in. That's from me.” 

And from his grandfather, too. Three 
years ago, when Junior smashed his 
wrist so badly that his career seemed 
threatened, he was showing his cast to 
his family, just as his father had shown 
him that scarred knee back in his Yan- 
kees days. 

“Boo-boo. Ouch,” said Trey, sympa- 
thetically. Then, when Dad wasn't watch- 
ing, the infant picked up his favorite 
baseball bat and smashed Dad, as hard 
as he could, right on that wrist full of 
screws and plates. 

“It hurt so bad I dropped to one 
knee,” says Griffey. 

And what did you say, Junior? 

“I guess my father came out in me. I 
said, "Good swing.” 

That'll work. 


JERRY SPRINGER 54:5; 72, 


I'm not saying going to a hooker was the right thing to 
do, but it wasn't mass murder. 


SPRINGER: Well, maybe not. I wasn't 
thinking of myself as a hero. I was think- 
ing of myself as someone who had done 
a foolish thing. In hindsight, every move 
was right, but at the time I wasn't think- 
ing strategy. I was just thinking about 
what an asshole 1 was, and how to make 
myself whole as a person again. 
PLAYBOY: How did they get the canceled 
checks? 

SPRINGER: I held them up and said, 
“Look, I was there." 

PLAYBOY: You volunteered your canceled 
checks? 

SPRINGER: Absolutely. I was never arrest- 
ed for anything. I was never on trial. At 
my press conference, when І announced 
my resignation, I held up the checks and 
said, “Неге.” 1 wanted it all out because 
there was a rumor going around that 1 
was the head of a prostitution ring. Jack 
Gilligan, the governor at the time, said, 
*1f Jerry's in charge of this ring, how 
come it had only one customer?" 
PLAYBOY: But why did you pay with 
a check? 

SPRINGER: I belonged to the club. No one 


pays cash to go there for a visit. The 
health club was clearly a front, so writing 
a check was the wrong thing to do. I 
hope it's the worst thing ГЇЇ ever do. The 
public got the story, they got my admis- 
sion and I said, "You decide. You want 
me in office? I would love to be your 
mayor.” And they said, “Yeah.” 

PLAYBOY: Weren't you married shortly 
before this hit the papers? 

SPRINGER: Yes, I was married in 1973. In 
the spring of 1974 I held a press confer- 
ence and said that I was resigning from 
the council because I'd had sex with this 
woman. 

PLAYBOY: "This woman"? 

SPRINGER: I had sex with a woman I 
shouldn't have been with, OK? And she 
was a prostitute. I had done this horrible 
thing—I had slept, I didn't sleep—it was 
half an hour and I was awake the whole 
time. Then boom, SPRINGER ADMITS TO SEX 
WITH PROSTITUTE, etc. And 1 resigned 
from the council. 

PLAYBOY: Was this a one-night stand? 
SPRINGER: OK, two visits, a total of an 
hour, The sin was that I did it at all. 


PLAYBOY: How did you explain this to 
your wife? 

SPRINGER: I told her before I told anyone 
else, and I told her the truth. 

PLAYBOY: How did she react? 

SPRINGER: Well, it was uncomfortable. 
Not a great day. But it wasn't the most 
horrible thing in the world either. I 
mean, a kid goes to a hooker. I'm not 
saying it was the right thing to do, but it. 
certainly wasn't mass murder. 

1 returned to practicing law. The next 
November 1 ran for city council again. 
And then in 1977 1 ran for reelection 
and was elected mayor. That's the story. 

1 didn't lose the mayoralty because of 
the incident. I won after it. Number one 
vote getter, the largest plurality in the 
city's history. In 1979 I again came in 
first in the race. In 1981 I didn't run for 
reelection because 1 announced that I 
was running for governor. There's this 
distorted version—he lost the mayoralty 
because he was caught with a prostitute, 
and that’s how he ended up with a talk 
show—that continues to be the folklore 
for many reporters. Excuse me, it was al- 
most 20 years before I got a talk show, 
and I was a very successful mayor. You 
can check the record. 

PLAYBOY: What would your advice to 
President Clinton be on how to handle a 
sex scandal? 

SPRINGER: [Laughs] Get a talk show! No, 
I would simply say on a serious note, 


= Anhh...the mild, rewarding pleasure of Willem II. Take your time. 


(©1098 Swedish Match North America Inc. 


150 


ном 


Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where lo find this month's 
merchandise. To buy the ap- 
parel and equipment shoum 
on pages 26, 41, 45, 88- 
91, 96-97, 122-123, 130- 
141 and 183, check the list- 
ings below to find the stores 
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"Continue to do a great job as president, 
and in terms of any personal issues, deal 
with Hillary. It's her business." I have no 
idea what they have agreed to. He's not 
answerable to me. He didn't marry me. 
PLAYBOY: You said that you quit politics. 
Didn't politics kind of quit you? 
SPRINGER: No. After being mayor of Cin- 
cinnati, I thought of running for senator, 
but Ohio had Glenn and Metzenbaum, 
so that wasn't realistic. I didn't want to 
go back and be on the city council or run 
for secretary of state. So I ran for gover- 
nor, and after that race I sat around for a 
while thinking, Gee, what do I do now? 
And that's when I took the job at Chan- 
nel 5, to be a news commentator, then ап 
anchor. 

PLAYBOY: So you said goodbye to politics? 
SPRINGER: I did back then, yes. 

PLAYBOY: Somebody once said that poli- 
tics exists "to make our days on carth 
somewhat better than they might be." 
SPRINGER: Sure [laughs]. Jerry Springer 
said that when he was sworn in as mayor 
of Cincinnati. Isn't that great? I recog- 
nized my own speech. 

PLAYBOY: Is that still your political credo? 
SPRINGER: Oh yeah. Unfortunately, I 
think today we're getting into the People- 
ization of politics. We're interested in 
personalities rather than great political 
issues. Twenty or 30 years ago it was 
the war in Vietnam, there was the civil 
rights movement. Now we're talking 
about who was doing what with whom. 
So personal. 

PLAYBOY: Is it possible to be an effective 
politician and have a conscience? 
SPRINGER: Yes, as long as you're willing to 
lose the next election. If you choose not 
to make politics a career, you can always 
have a conscience. If you sell out to win 
an election, that's when you have to get 
out of politics. That's why I don't like 
politics as a career. I think it should be 
more like a religion —something you just 
believe in and work at. When it becomes 
the means of your livelihood, you will 
take whatever you are offered. So you'll 
compromise your values to win the next 
election. That's when career politics gets 
dangerous. 

PLAYBOY: What was your childhood like? 
SPRINGER: 1 had the happiest childhood 
in the world. My family didn't have any 
money. My parents were German and 
didn't speak English well, so they 
launched this great campaign to thor- 
oughly Americanize me. They did things 
to get me to fit in. I joined the Boy 
Scouts, I was in Little League, I took gui- 
tar lessons, in the summer I went to 
camp. I honestly don't remember a sad 
day in my whole childhood. I was a 
dichard Yankees fan—my heroes were 
Yogi Berra and Mickey Mantle. A bad 
day was when the Yankees lost. Real bad. 
PLAYBOY: What was it like around the 
house? 

SPRINGER: My parents were great. Dad 


was head of the household, but Mom 
was really in charge. There was no yell- 
ing, no fighting. It was nice. The house 
was not like my show. 

PLAYBOY: You lost relatives in the Holo- 
caust. How did that affect you? 
SPRINGER: I lost five direct relatives. 'The 
closest were my grandparents and my 
uncle—my dad's brother and both my 
parents’ mothers. Auschwitz was the 
camp. My parents didn't share any of 
that agony with me during my growing- 
up years. Certainly not extensively. We 
didn't go there. 

PLAYBOY: Are you religious? 

SPRINGER: I have a total belief in God. 
Because I was born Jewish, I follow the 
Jewish traditions, from the dietary re- 
strictions—not eating pork—to the rules 
of Passover and fasting on the High Hol- 
idays. Am I Orthodox? No. But am I 
identifiably Jewish? Yes. 

I'm not sure any one religion has cor- 
nered the market, but I don't think 
that's important. What's important is to 
be humble enough to believe that our 
lives are gifts from God. And whatever 
tradition you were raised in, follow that 
tradition to show your appreciation. 
PLAYBOY: If your parents were alive, what 
would they think of the show? 

SPRINGER: Mom would not watch, where- 
as Dad would hide in the back room and 
watch. In front of Mom he'd say, "This is 
terrible." Then he'd wink at me. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever meet any of your 
Yankees heroes? 

SPRINGER: | went to the Yankees dream 
camp in 1988 and there they were: 
Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, Bill Skow- 
ron, Hank Bauer, all those greats in Fort 
Lauderdale for one week. You got your 
own Yankees uniform, you had a locker 
next to theirs, you ate all your meals 
with them and you played a double- 
header every day. You got your own 
baseball card, and on the final night you 
played against the all-time greatest Yan- 
kees. I was a catcher. In high school, I al- 
ways wanted to be Yogi. I was too small 
then. So here I am now, catching for 
Whitey. I'm behind the plate when all of 
a sudden everyone in that little stadi- 
um—maybe 10,000 fans—gets on their 
feet because out from the dugout comes 
Mickey Mantle. Mickey steps into the 
batter's box, Whitey's on the mound and 
I'm behind the plate. I’ve got tears in my 
eyes and I'm shaking, I'm so excited. I 
call time-out and I rush to the mound 
because my whole life is flashing in front 
of my eyes. 

So I get to the mound and Whitey 
asks, “What are you doing?” 

“I can't stop shaking,” I say. He puts 
his arm around me like I'm a little boy in 
front of all these people. “Get behind the 
plate,” he says. “Manile hasn't hit in 20 
years.” 

So I'm all right. I get behind the plate 


again and it was great. Mantle flew out to 
left. Deep left. 

PLAYBOY: Did you play sports in college? 

SPRINGER: No. In high school I was too 
small. In college I wasn't good enough. 
My interests had shifted a bit, too. When 
I enrolled at Tulane in 1961, they were 
integrating the local schools, so I got in- 
volved in that. The parents were in- 
volved, and that was the first time I actu- 
ally saw people screaming. It's one thing 
to watch it on the news, but to be there is 
kind of scary. Other than that, I became 
a typical college kid. It was a very in- 
nocent time. We didn't know anything 
about drugs. I mean, nothing. Oh, we 
used to "dex it"—take Dexedrine to stay 
up studying for exams—but I don't re- 
member anyone ever saying, "Gee, this 
would be fun for recreation." 

There was great activity with panty 
raids. The girls had an 11 р.м. dorm cur- 
few during the week, midnight on week- 
ends. Guys had no curfew. So if you had 
a date, you had to take her home by 
11:00 or 12:00, then you'd go down to 
Bourbon Street. It was unfair to the 
girls. I think we were the last class of 
innocents. 

PLAYBOY: Can you recall your first sexual 
experience in college? 

SPRINGER: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: Any details? 

SPRINGER: Let me just say it was as clum- 
sy as you would expect from someone 
totally inexperienced. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever thought that 
booking celebrities might increase the 
ratings for your show? 

SPRINGER: Well, let me answer this way: I 
have never met a human being who 
couldn't be a guest on our show. 
PLAYBOY: What do you mean? 

SPRINGER: Everyone has at least one story 


in their life that would make the rest of 
the world say, "Whoa, that's strange." 
The only thing that makes our show dif- 
ferent is our guests want to tell their sto- 
ries. Many people wouldn't want to. 
PLAYBOY: What you're saying is that the 
show consists of exhibitionists who are 
playing to an audience of voyeurs. But 
celebrities might add value to it. Or is 
basic infidelity —even when it's Frank 
Giflord's— just too tame for the Springer 
audience? 
SPRINGER: We all like to watch, sure. And 
we don't complain if it's a celebrity. But 
here's the point. If Kathie Lee and 
Frank chose to go on any talk show to tell 
their story, not one critic in America 
would say, *How dare they go on televi- 
sion to talk about their private lives." 
And yet if Гуе got people on my show 
who aren't Kathie Lee and Frank, the 
critics say, "Oh, isn't that degrading? 
Isnt Jerry Springer horrible?" That's 
elitism. 
PLAYBOY: Would Marv Albert be on the 
celebrity edition? 
SPRINGER: He wouldn't even qualify for 
our audience. 
PLAYBOY: "Cross-Dressing Sportscasters 
Who Bite Women on the Ass—tomorrow 
on Springer!" 
SPRINGER: Well, only if he called us and 
said, "Please put me on." 

Volunteering to be on the show is not 
a minor point. If someone wants to come 
on and say, "This is what I've done, boy 
am I a fool," that’s fine. 
PLAYBOY: How do you respond to the 
charge that you've sold out? As one of. 
your former colleagues said, you could 
have been a Cronkite. 
SPRINGER: There are always other peo- 
ple's expectations. And then one day we 
die. I enjoyed being a news anchor, I just 


"Don't be staring, Howard!" 


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152 


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didn't want to be one forever. Selling out 
is when you trade your soul, when you 
trade your philosophy, when you trade 
your principles to make a buck. I didn't 
trade my principles. No one will ever ac- 
cuse me of suddenly becoming conse 
tive. The politics on our show are ab- 
solutely consistent with the politics I 
have had as a commentator, as a mayor, 
as a lawyer. I'm about as liberal as you 
can get. And I'm making a hell of a 
living. 

PLAYBOY: As mayor, you were known as 
someone who stood up for the little guy. 
Now you're exploiting those same dys- 
functional lives. 

SPRINGER: How is that different from be- 
ing a newscaster who makes a living 
reporting on the lives of unfortunate 
people? 

PLAYBOY: Maybe $3 million a year? 
SPRINGER: That's it. When I was a news- 
caster I was hurting people every day. 
175 a horrible business, going to some- 
one's home after a tragedy and asking, 
*How do you feel?" How many stories 
did we do like that? Our local news does 
it all the time. We feed on it. Great shots, 
then, “Uh, we have to go." 

PLAYBOY: Does that mean you think two 
wrongs make a right? 

SPRINGER: | don't know that what I do is 
wrong. I'm suggesting our show is silly 
but absolutely voluntary. And I don't 
think 1 could ever say to someone, 
“You're not classy enough to be on tele- 
vision. You don't meet our standards." 
Look at the language critics use when 
they talk about the people on my show. 
They're always called trailer-park trash 
The critics are always so prejudiced, as 
evidenced by the names they use to refer 
to these people. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think media criticism 
reflects elitism? 

SPRINGER: No question, because the me- 
dia themselves reflect upper-middle- 
class white America. Travel from city to 
city, and tell me what news you're watch- 
ing. Boy, if we aren't clones. 

PLAYBOY: What possessed you to return 
to local news and do commentaries for 
WMAQ in Chicago last year? 

SPRINGER: It all began as a conversation 
in an elevator. Seriously. The general 
manager said, “Hey, I heard about your 
old commenta іп Cincinnati. Would 
you do them on our broadcast?" 

And I said, "I can't, because I'm doing 
my show. 

He said, "How about once a week?" 

So I was going to do them on Mondays 
because I could write over the weckend. 
And I wasn't going to get paid—it was 
purely voluntary. So 1 said, “Yeah.” 

He said, "We'll start during sweeps— 
that way there will be a lot of attention." 
And was there attention! I show up and 
the anchor, Carol Marin, quits afier 19 
years of working there. Or she said she 
quit. I don't know exactly what the story 


is, but by the second day people in the 
newsroom weren't talking to me. It real- 
ly went wild. There had been turmoil at 
the station; I just added more heat. I've 
never met Carol Marin. So it's not per- 
sonal. She found other work. She's a re- 
porter on another Chicago station. So 
now I’m hiring myself out to corpora- 
tions that want to downsize. All you have 
to do is hire me and everyone quits. You 
can save on pensions. 

PLAYBOY: You became something of a na- 
tional joke. 

SPRINGER: Yeah, I became a target. 1 was 
caught up in the heat of the moment. I 
was naive. 1 let my ego get in the way. 1 
didn't pick the fight, but I was in no po- 
sition to make the fight. I didn't belong 
in that newsroom. I wasn't an employee. 
Ifthey didn't want to let me in. how was 
I going to win? I have no problem with 
the position I took—who is any anchor 
to say whom he or she is going to share 
the dais with? That's absurd. I don't back 
down from that position at all. But how 
many other people were going to lose 
their jobs? Suddenly I wondered why I 
was taking all the crap. By the middle of 
the week it became clear that with one or 
two exceptions, no one in the media was 
listening to me. I was determined to 
have a serious commentary, no jokes in 
it, no one-liners, boom—make the point. 
And of course the media were saying the 
story was "Do transvestites who sleep 
with their uncles belong on the local 
news? Or the national news?" Of course 
not. That never was my position. I never 
thought crazy talk-show subjects belong 
on the news. I was asked to do commen- 
taries on serious news items. 

PLAYBOY: Do you consider yourself a man 
of principle? 

SPRINGER: As much as anyone else. 
PLAYBOY: So why did you resign from 
WMAQ? 

SPRINGER: Well, there was no ethical issue 
from my side. I wasn't being paid, I 
wasn't an employee of the station. I had 
a regular job and I was obviously a light- 
ning rod for turmoil, which existed be- 
fore І arrived. Once I realized this, I sent 
my resignation in. “Have you ever seen 
me do sports?" I added. 

PLAYBOY: Some critics say your show 
demonstrates what's wrong with Ameri- 
can society. Instead of something being 
evil or sinful or even just downright 
wrong, we talk about people being dys- 
functional and antisocial. Have we lost 
our sense of right and wrong? 

SPRINGER: No, 1 don't think so at all. I 
mean, I don't have a pessimistic view оГ 
American society. I think we're much 
more open about race than we used to 
be. Much more tolerant, much less elit- 
ist. I geta sense that we're living less-seg- 
regated lives than we used to. The idea 
of America is coming through. I think 
people still have a good view of what's 
right and what's wrong. Not everyone 


agrees, but that doesn't mean there's no 
right and wrong. Most people like to 
think of themselves as moral, and I'd like 
to think that we are a moral country. Do 
we sometimes do immoral things? Yes, 
but overall we have good consciences, 
and are basically God-believing and treat 
one another well. We feel guilty when we 
do wrong. 

PLAYBOY: You did a show on a woman 
who had sex with more than 200 guys in 
ten hours. You did a show on a man who 
set himself on fire to prove his love; an- 
other on a guy who cut off his penis to 
discourage a gay stalker. Are you ever 
afraid of encouraging copycat weirdos? 
SPRINGER: No. If that's the standard, we 
can’t report on murders, robberies or 
rapes. We can't make movies or soap op- 
eras or news programs that have any of 
that. We can't have any films about the 
Holocaust, because someone might copy 
that. There would be no exchange of 
ideas. In a free marketplace there are 
going to be all kinds of temptations 
thrown your way. We teach values so 
you're able to make good choices, to re- 
ject things that are destructive and ac- 
cept those that aren't. 

PLAYBOY: Has doing the show changed 
your view of the human condition? 
SPRINGER: No. Remember, I was a mayor. 
So I learned about the human condition 
in real life, not from a TV show. Being 
on the city council and being mayor for 


years, you know, what problems didn’t 
we see? We dealt with shootings and 
murders and robberies and rapes and 
decay. If you want to get upset about 
things, that’s what you get upset about. 
You don’t get upset because somebody 
on television uses a bad word that is 
bleeped out. You don’t get upset because 
people shove each other or put someone 
in a headlock. 

PLAYBOY: Your show covers a lot of fan- 
tasies. What's your best fantasy? 
SPRINGER: Getting a call from George 
Steinbrenner, who says, “Jerry, would 
you do the games for us?” Yeah! If I 
could announce Yankees games, I would 
give this up in a heartbeat. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think is your 
greatest extravagance? 

SPRINGER: My Bulls tickets. I always won- 
dered what it would have been like to be 
alive when Babe Ruth was playing, to see 
someone who's the greatest ever in his 
sport. Now I know: Michael Jordan. 
PLAYBOY: What's your advice to those 
who want to learn from your success? 
SPRINGER: Survive. That's what life's 
about. Just hanging in. There's no for- 
mula for success because it either hap- 
pens to you or it doesn't. It’s luck, most 
of it. The trick is to be around so that 
when an opportunity is there, you can 
grab it. Don't burn bridges. Whatever is 
going on that day, all the flak, whatever 
it is, don't panic. Hang in and live to 


fight another day. Never say, "That's it.” 
Just survive. I believe that's a philosophy 
of Holocaust survivors, frankly. 

PLAYBOY: Are you happy? 

SPRINGER: I'm totally happy. I think 95 
percent of what we are is a gift from 
God. We all compete for the remaining 
five percent, who's going to have the big- 
ger house, the faster car, that kind of 
stuff. Beyond that it’s all luck. There are 
people who work twice as hard as I do 
and don't have as much success. And 
there are people who work less than I do 
and arc more successful. It's luck. 
PLAYBOY: Will there be a payback? 
SPRINGER: It'll be in the next life. I just 
hope hell isn't too hot. I burn easily. 
PLAYBOY: How would you like to be 
remembered? 

SPRINGER: 1 don't need to be remem- 
bered. I get great joy out of my mom 
and dad’s memory. That’s strength to 
me. And I want my daughter to always 
know that she had a dad who loved her. 
That is the only memory that counts 
Everything else is just vanity. You know 
what? Fifty years after you're dead, un- 
less you're George Washington and 
you're on the dollar bill, nobody remem- 
bers you. Nobody comes back because 
they were well remembered. God will do 
what he does to us when we're gone. My 
hope is that nobody remembers me. 


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PLAY EO 


154 


ВОЛО 7 


He became suspicious and stepped ош of the stall. Im- 
mediately the smell of ammonia enveloped the room. 


beautiful in the cover-girl sense, but she 
exhibited an air of sensuality that made 
her extremely attractive. 

"We believe this to be the work of 
terrorists specializing in chemical and 
biological weaponry,” she said. “The tar- 
gets thus far have been British, but 
we believe there is something behind 
the attacks that will ultimately involve 
Greece." She had a fairly thick accent, 
but her English was good. Although 
most people under the age of 40 in 
Greece have learned English, few prac- 
tice it on a daily basis. 

“Do you have any idea who these peo- 
ple are?" 

“No, and that's part of the problem. 
We're still investigating the death of 
your man Whitten, with the cooperation 
of your government, of course." 

“Is there any significance in the site 
where the body was dumped?" he asked. 

"Perhaps. The ancient agora was the 
Athenian markerplace. You know about 
the coin?" 

Bond nodded. “Whitten had an an- 
cient Greek coin in his mouth." 

Niki continued, "That's right. The an- 
cient Greeks believed the dead should 
have a coin handy to give to Charon, the 
boatman on the river Styx, so he would 
ferry them over the river to Hades. A 
dead person was usually buried with a 
coin in his mouth to use as fare." 


"So the body placement, the coin, the 
number . .. are all symbolic," Bond said. 

“Of what?" she asked. "If we can find 
the connection between that murder 
and the incidents here on Cyprus, it 
would be a big help.” 

“The statuettes could be a substitute 
for the temple,” Bond said. "Ideally, 
maybe the killers wanted to send some 
sort of message linking the deaths to an- 
cient Greece. That's why Whitten's body 
was dropped where it was. Since they 
couldn't do that here in Cyprus, maybe 
the statuettes are supposed to symbolize 
the equivalent. Whatever that is.” 

"That's an interesting point, Mr. 
Bond," Niki said. "The statuette at Dhe- 
kelia was of Hera, the Queen of the 
Gods. This one was Poseidon. 1 wonder 
if that means anything." 

“I'm no scholar on ancient Greece,” 
Bond admitted, "but I know that Hera 
was a vengeful, jealous god." 

"What do you make of the numbers?" 

Bond shrugged. "It's a definite indi 
tion that these three acts were commit- 
ted by the same group, and that there 
will probably be more." 

They had now reached two three-sto- 
ry white buildings of brick and plaster, 
some 200 meters from the helicopter 
landing site. The orange wind sock 
could be clearly seen blowing in the 
wind. The sound of an approaching 


“Pm planning to file a sex-discrimination complaint. They didn't 
let me run with the bulls in Pamplona." 


Westland Wessex Mark II search-and- 
rescue helicopter was growing louder. 
They glanced up toward the sun and 
saw the copter descending, its silhouette 
resembling a humpback vhale's. 

"I'm going to take a shower," Niki 
said. She looked at her watch. It was just 
past noon. "Let's meet in the mess at 
one? We can compare notes before we 
meet the base personnel at two. They 
will want answers." 

"Fine," Bond sai "Then I'll take a 
shower too. Perhaps we can go for a 
swim after the debriefing? And then 
maybe dinner?" 

“You work fast, Mr. Bond,” 
with a slight smile. 

He shrugged. " 
morning." 

“We'll see,” she said as they separated. 
Bond went up to the second floor of the 
building normally occupied by a pla- 
toon. As he passed the showers, he no- 
ticed a sign on the door that said the 
plumbing was out of order. Bond turned 
and shouted out the window to Niki, 
who was entering the barracks across 
the road. 

“I need to use one of your showers! 
Mine are out!" 

Niki waved and gestured for him to 
come over. 

Bond had been assigned a room that 
was currently vacant, though bits of the 
kits of three soldiers were still there. The 
rooms were all alike—sparsely furnished 
with three cots, three cupboards, a sink, 
a ceiling fan, two strips of fluorescent 
lights and a dozen posters on the walls of 
popular pin-up celebrities. He grabbed 
his open carry-on bag and made his way 
across the road to Niki's barracks. Bare- 
shouldered, she stuck her head out of 
her door as he passed by and said, "You 
can use the next room. The showers are 
a few doors down. You go first, I can 
wait." 

“Why not join me? We could do our 
part in conserving Cyprus' precious wa- 
ter supply." 

The door shut in his face. 

Bond entered the room, removed his 
clothes and threw his bag on one of the 
cots. He hadn't brought much with him, 
as he knew he would be on a plane back 
to London in the morning. As an after- 
thought, he had thrown in his swimming 
trunks and a diving utility belt that Q 
Branch supplied to agents working near 
water. Perhaps there really would be 
time for a swim vith the fetching Niki 
Mirakos. 

Bond wrapped a towel around his 
waist and walked out of the room to the 
showers. 

There were five shower stalls, two 
bathtubs and toilets. No one else was 
around. Bond dropped the towel and. 
stepped into one of the stalls. He twisted 
the knob to turn on the hot water. It got 
warm quickly and he stepped beneath 
the spray, allowing it to wash away his 


she said 


I will be leaving in the 


sweat. He was just about to soap himself 
when the water suddenly turned cold. 
He stepped back and held his hand un- 
der the spray. Suddenly, the water cut. 
off. In a few seconds, warm water burst 
out of the spigot. Bond chalked it up to 
poor plumbing on the military base and 
stepped under the spray once again. 
When the water turned cold a second 
time, he became suspicious and stepped 
out of the stall. Immediately the smell of 
ammonia enveloped the room. Smoke 
funneled out of the stall as some kind of 
abrasive chemical poured out onto the 
tiles on the floor. 

Bond ran out of the room naked. He 
ducked into his temporary quarters, tak- 
ing a few seconds to slip on his swim- 
ming trunks. He grabbed thc utility belt, 
which also held his new Walther P99 in a 
waterproof holster, and ran back out- 
side. Niki, a towel wrapped around her 
shapely body, stepped out of her room in 
time to see him leap over the railing and 
gracefully land on the grass below in his 
bare feet. A couple of perplexed privates 
in uniform were standing beside a jeep 
watching him. 

Paying no attention to them, Bond ran 
around the building in time to see a fig- 
ure in camouflage fatigues running away 
from the barracks toward the helicopter 
landing site. The Wessex that had land- 
ed earlier was still there, its rotor blades 
spinning. Bond took off after the run- 
ning figure, who was wearing a gas mask 
and protective hood. 

The figure made it to the Wessex and 
climbed through the open door. The he- 
licopter immediately began to rise just as 
Bond made it to the site. He leaped for- 
ward and managed to grab hold of the 
trooping step, the metal attachment 
used as an extra stair to assist soldiers 
entering or leaving the aircraft. The 
Wessex continued to rise, with Bond 
hanging on for dear life. Within mo- 
ments, they were flying over the base to- 
ward the Mediterranean. 

The door was still open, and from his 
position Bond could sce two camou- 
flaged figures. One was holding a gun to 
the pilot's head. The aircraft had been 
hijacked! 


The gas-masked figure he had seen 
earlier leaned out of the door and saw 
Bond hanging on to the trooping step. 
He pulled a large knife from a sheath, 
then squatted down closer to the floor 
of the aircraft. Holding on to the inside 
of the cabin with one hand, the figure 
leaned out with the knife in the other. 
He swung the knife across Bond's 
knuckles, slicing the skin. Bond winced 
with pain but forced himself to hang on. 
The helicopter was a good 200 feet 
above the ground. He would surely fall 
to his death if he let go. The assassin. 
struck out again, but this time Bond was 
ready. As the knife swung, Bond re- 
moved one hand from the trooping step 
and grasped a piece of metal beneath the 
step that was fastened to the helicopter. 
It wasn't as good a handhold as the step 
itself, but it was shielded from the assas- 
sin's knife. He then inched out onto the 
whcel axlc and wrappcd his legs around 
it. The killer would have to venture out 
of the aircraft to get him now. 

As the helicopter flew over the RAF 
airficld at Akrotiri, the pilot was ordered 
to maneuver the vehicle wildly in an at- 
tempt to throw off Bond. The pain was 
almost unbearable, and the blood from 
the cuts dripped onto his face. But 
he hung on tightly. If only he could 
manage to keep hold until they got over 
the water. 

The figure leaned out of the door 
again, this time holding an automatic 
pistol—a Daewoo, Bond thought. Bond 
swung his body up under the helicopter 
as the killer fired at him. The bullets 
whizzed past as Bond swung back and 
forth. Fortunately, the jerking move- 
ment of the helicopter spoiled the man’s 
aim and he shouted angrily at the pilot. 

The helicopter was now over the Med- 
iterrancan, flying south. The water be- 
low was choppy. 

The assassin did what Bond was afraid 
he might do: He crawled out onto the 
trooping step. Now that the chopper was 
flying level, Bond could be shot at point- 
blank range. Bond couldn't see the 
killer's face behind the gas mask, but he 
knew the man was smiling in triumph. 
The assassin raised the pistol and point- 


ed it at Bond’s head. 

Bond used all of his strength to swing 
back underneath the trooping step and 
took advantage of the momentum to 
push himself away from the helicopter. 
In midair, he somersaulted so that his 
body ended up in a diving position. He 
heard the shot ring out above him as he 
soared down to the sea. The impact of 
the water might have killed an ordinary 
man, but Bond’s graceful, Olympic-style 
dive cut smoothly through the surface of 
the water 

He swam up for air and saw the Wes- 
sex continuing its trek southward. He 
looked at the shore, which was at least a 
mile away. Could he swim that far? The 
water was very choppy, a challenge for 
even the strongest swimmer. It was lucky 
that he had thought to bring the utility 
belt pack. 

While treading water, Bond unzipped 
the belt pack and rcmoved two coiled 
rubber items that, when shaken, opened 
to their proper size. They were portable 
flippers, which he quickly placed on his 
feet. Next, Bond removed a small can 
the size of a shaving cream container. 
‘Two long elastic bands allowed him to 
strap the can onto his back. A flexible 
tube unrolled from the top of the can, 
and he stuck the end in his mouth. The 
can was a ten-minute Aqua-Lung, which 
would be helpful in swimming through 
the water. He hoped that the current 
wasn't so strong that he couldn't make 
headway toward shore. 

Bond began the slow crawl toward 
land, thankful that he had brushed up 
on his diving skills a couple of weeks 
earlier. He was also grateful that Major 
Boothroyd was indeed a genius. 

He fought the sea as best he could, but 
it was a case of two steps forward, one 
step back. Still, he was an expert swim- 
mer and extremely fit. Five minutes lat- 
er, Bond estimated that he was about 
half a mile from shore. The Aqua-Lung 
would last him another five minutes and 
then he would have to depend on short, 
deep breaths stolen from the surface. 

‘The sound of another helicopter grew 
louder and its shadow blocked out the 
sun. Bond stopped swimming and trod 


PILTA FEB CODO 


156 


water. A Gazelle was directly above him, 
and a rope ladder was being lowered 
from it. He took hold of the ladder and 
swiftly climbed into the small, round he- 
licopter. To his surprise, it was piloted by 
none other than Niki Mirakos. An RAF 
airman manned the ladder. 

"What kept you?" Bond asked. 

"You said you wanted to go swim- 
ming!" Niki shouted over the noise. "I 
wanted to make sure you had a little 
time to enjoy yourself." 

The Gazelle pulled away toward the 
shore and back to Episkopi, passing two 
more Wessex helicopters heading out to 
sea in pursuit of the hijacked aircraft. 


Back at the base, Bond and Niki 
learned that whoever was wearing the 
gas mask had managed to attach a tank. 
of cyanogen chloride to the water supply 
line. The chemical was classified as a 
“blood agent” because it attacked blood 
cells and spread quickly through the 
body. If Bond had inhaled the vapors, he 
would have been a dead man. Investiga- 
tors believed that the same assassin was 
responsible for the attack on the fire 


teams. More disturbing was that this lat- 
est incident was a blatant attempt on Ni- 
ki Mirakos life. 

"That evening, the search-and-rescue 
personnel made their reports. The hi- 
Jacked Wessex was found abandoned, 
floating in the sea about a hundred miles 
south of Cyprus. The saltwater flotation 
cans had been activated, allowing the he- 
licopter to land on the water undam- 
aged. The pilot’s body was found on- 
board. He had been shot in the back of 
the head. It was surmised that the killer 
and his accomplice had somehow hi- 
jacked the craft and forced the pilot to 
fly them in and out of the base. The hi- 
jackers must have been met by a boat 
Or a seaplane for there was no trace 
of them. 

After the debriefing, Bond and Niki 
drove her rented Honda Civic into town. 
They found a loud, festive restaurant 
but managed to be seated at a small table 
for two in the back, away from the noise. 

“How do you feel?” she asked. The 
candle on the table cast a glow across her 
bronze face. 

"That fight with the sea today ex- 
hausted me, but otherwise I am fully 


"Great Scott! It looks as if he's decided to go back into the closet!" 


alert," Bond said. "I'm hungry, how. 
about you?" 

"Famished." 

They shared a Cypriot mixed grill— 
ham, sausage and beef burgers and Aal- 
loumi, a chewy cheese, all cooked over 
charcoal. The house wine was Ambelida, 
a dry, light wine made from Xynisteri 
white grapes. 

“Why is it that most Cypriot cuisine 
consists of an enormous amount of 
meat?” Bond asked. 

Niki laughed. “I don't know. We eat a 
lot of meat in Greece, too, but not this 
much. Maybe it's the reason for the high 
level of testosterone on this island.” 

“Why do you think someone tried to 
kill you in the shower, Niki? That was 
meant for you," he said. 

“І don't have а clue. Someone obvi- 
ously knew I would come to investigate. 
Гуе been on this case since they found 
your man Whitten. Maybe whoever's re- 
sponsible knew that. Don't worry, 1 can 
take care of myself.” 

"I'm sure you can. When do you go 
back?" 

"Tomorrow morning, same as you,” 
she said. 

Bond settled the bill, even though 
she had wanted to pay for her own meal. 
In the car on the way back to the base, 
he asked her if they would see each 
other again. 

“My middle name is Cassandra," she 
said. “Believe it or not, I think I've al- 
ways had the ability to see into people's 
hearts, and sometimes into the future." 

“Oh, really?” Bond asked, smiling. 
"And what does the future hold for us?" 

“We'll see each other again at least 
once," she said as they pulled into the 
front gate of the base. 

After saying goodnight, he returned 
to his barracks room, undressed and 
slipped under the blanket of one of the 
cots. He had drifted off to sleep when a 
knock at the door jarred him awake. 
"Come in," he said. 

Niki Mirakos, still wearing civilian 
clothes, stepped into the dark room. "I 
told you we'd see each other at least one 
more time. Besides, I wanted to make 
sure you were all right. You must be very 
sore alter that fall into the sea.” 

She moved closer to him. He sat up in 
the cot, about to protest, but she gently 
pushed him back down. She turned him. 
onto his stomach and began to massage 
his broad shoulders. 

“This will work out all the . .. um, how 
do you say itin English . . . the kinkies?" 
she asked. 

Bond turned onto his back and pulled 
her down onto him. "The word is kinks," 
he said, chuckling. “But I'll be happy to 
show you what kinky means.” 

With that, his mouth met hers and she 


moaned. 


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Speed SEDUCTION 

(continued from page 100) 
me, but now I know they come from be- 
low me." 

Asin blow me. 

I'm not kidding. 

Jeffries is defensive about this materi- 
al. When I talk to him by telephone, he 
says, "Don't knock this stuff until you try 
it. The metaphor I use is fishing—you 
don't bait the hook with the kind of food 
you like to eat, you bait it with what the 
fish are going to bite on." 

Will the fish bite if, beyond "below 
me,” you pepper your conversation with 
words such as "penetrate," “come in- 
side,” "hard" and "surrender," as Jeffries 
suggests? I don't know, but I'm of the 
opinion that if you use the right inflec- 
tion, as he also suggests, and pause mid- 
sentence to create a sense of anticipation 
and mystery, it's possible. 

I ask Bruce Goldberg, hypnotist and 
author of Soul Healing and New Age Hyp- 
nosis, if sexual double entendres and em- 
bedded commands can work. He says, 
"Numerous studies have been done, and 
they've shown that you can't make some- 
one violate moral and ethical codes. 
However, if you're dealing with a woman 
you're attracted to, and she's neutral, or 
not opposed to you—if she's acting like 
‘If he shows me something, ГЇЇ give him 
a shot'—that's a different story. Particu- 
larly if she's in a naturally altered state— 
for instance, if she's jogging or listen- 
ing to music. Now, those embedded 
commands might sway her. They might 
make the difference. If she’s open but. 
doesn’t want to make the first move be- 
cause of her puritanical upbringing or 
whatever, the right words can make the 
difference, absolutely.” 

I remember my college friend playful- 
lyturning every conversation with a girl, 
no matter where she would try to steer 
it, into something with sexual under- 
tones. He'd get her thinking about sex, 
and pretty soon she was thinking about 
having sex with him. 

Iam also aware that the gulf between 
the sexes is large enough that language 
that seems ridiculous to me might not 
seem that way to someone without a pe- 
nis (or “ha-penis”). As Jeffries says, the 
proof is in the pudding ("deep inside" 
it). After all, most men find romance 
novels laughable, but there is a huge fe- 
male audience for them. 

A friend of mine wrote a romance nov- 
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was instructed by his publisher to read 
Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden, a book 
in which women talk about their sexual 
fantasies. Additionally, he was made to 
include a scene in which the heroine 
was served her lover in the form of 
a stew (my friend referred to this as 
the "praying mantis" scene). He was 


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dumbfounded, having never engaged in 
a sexual fantasy that involved cannibal- 
ism (even the unwitting variety). But 
what left him baffled apparently struck 
some chord in women. The book sold 
more than 300,000 copies. 

I mention this in part because one of 
Jeffries’ followers actually recommends 
romance novels as a source of powerful 
language patterns. “I admit these books 
are difficult,” says Mark (the housewife 
banger) Cunningham, “because you're 
reading through them and you're going, 
“What the fuck are they talking about?” 
But if you lift some of the ideas and the 
language from them and say them in 
a slow, relaxed and powerful manner, 
women melt. They've finally found a 
man who knows how to communicate 
with them in a meaningful way.” 

Jeffries also advocates reading wom- 
en's magazines to better understand the 
female psyche. It all comes down to 
knowing who you're trying to seduce. 
Jeffries says, “When most men meet а 
beautiful woman, they're so wrapped up 
in their own feelings that they neglect 
what the woman is feeling. If you want to 
be successful with women, focus on their 
state, not yours." Pay attention, in other 
words—to something besides the thing 
in your pants. 

“If you listen to what a woman says, 
she'll give you all the information you 
need to seduce her,” Jeffries contin- 
ues. Often his technique consists of ex- 
tracting that information with a se- 
ries of questions that begin with what 
he calls his “weasel” phrases- 
were to ...," “If I were to... 


you ever... ," etc. 

For example, you might say to a wom- 
an, “If I were to ask you"—the implica- 
tion being that you're not really asking— 
"whars the most important thing in a 
relationship, how would you describe it 
to mc?" In listening to her response, you 
would pay particular attention to her 
"trance" words—the words she puts par- 
ticular emphasis on or repeats frequent- 
ly (e.g., “I want a man who makes me 
feel comfortable with myself ")—then sim- 
ply mirror her answers to her in the 
same language: "Wouldn't it be nice if 
you could spend time with a man who 
makes you feel like you could let down 
your guard and just be comfortable? 
Whose voice soothed and at the same 
time stimulated you? I get the feeling 
that this could happen to you right now, 
with me." 

“The effect of this kind of pattern is 
powerful,” says Jeffries, “and it gives the 
woman the sense of having an incredible 
connection with you.” 

Instinctively, this makes sense to me. 
Most men don't listen; so obviously those 
who do (and who prove it by mirroring 
what they've heard) are going to score 
some points. Does it matter whether you 
are listening because you are genuinely 
interested, or just listening because you 
have an agenda (to get laid)? As Jeffries 
says only half-jokingly, quoting George 
Burns, “Sincerity is everything. And 
once you learn how to fake that, you've 
got it made." 

Eager to test out what Гүс learned 
from the tapes, І visit a Barnes & Noble 
Café near my office, which is listed in the 


"Sex, drugs, rock and roll! Oh, how I yearn for democracy!" 


Zagat Guide to New York restaurants 
with the warning: "Good coffee, but be- 
ware of Casanovas." 

I find a table where a dark-cyed young 
woman in skintight black pants and 
black boots is reading a magazine. 

“Do you mind if sit down?" I ask her 
tentatively. 

She barely shrugs. She's got the high 
cheekbones of a model and a red-lip- 
sticked mouth that Mick Jagger might 
envy. I've made some notes from Jef- 
fries' tapes and I open my notebook to 
do a last-second cram. Then I launch in- 
to my spiel. 

“Excuse me," I say to her. She looks 
up, eyeing me like I'm something that 
was left in her rcfrigcrator too long. "I 
just have to tell you this," I continue. 
“You are absolutely stunning." 

She keeps looking at me coldly. I 
bravely forge onward. 

“Tm Peter Alson. Did you ever meet 
somebody for the first time and just feel 
absolutely comfortable with them?” 

Without saying anything, she gets up, 
picks up her cappuccino and moves to 
the other side of the café. 

I'm just following a script, 1 want to 
shout after her. / would never tell a woman 
that stuff about feeling absolutely comfortable 
30 seconds after meeting her. Really! 

A glutton for punishment, I try out 
this rap a couple more times, improvis- 
ing slightly to make it less jarring. The 
results are better but still not great. I 
don't get kicked, spit at or arrested, but 
beyond getting more comfortable with 
approaching and talking to strange wom- 
en, I’m batting zero. 

At dinner later, with a friend who is 
much amused by my stories, 1 am asked 
for a demonstration of Speed Seduction. 
I decide to have a go at our waitress, us- 
ing a different Jeffries approach. Wait- 
resses are the perfect test, actually. They 
have to talk to you. But if they are at- 
tractive (as ours is—statuesque, blonde, 
with a cute English-girl overbite), you 
can be reasonably sure they get hit on all 
the time and are well practiced in the art 
of the polite but efficient brush-off. 

I notice that our waitress’ voice has an 
odd inflection, so I use that observation 
as my low-key opening. “I was just won- 
dering where you're from. You have an 
interesting accent.” 

She tells me she’s from a place on the 
Canadian border. 

"Really?" I say. “Is that a small town? 
How many people?” 

She doesn't know, and after she moves 
on to another table, my friend says, “She 
probably can't count that high.” 

But she seems sweet, and she’s ex- 
tremely pretty, and when she comes back 
to take our order a few minutes later, I 
go into the next phase. 

“You must get awfully tired by the end 
of the night,” I say. 


She nods, taking a deep breath. 

“Do you ever get a chance to go on 
vacation?" 

*] went home for a couple of weeks 
over the summer. Does that count?" 

“Hmm, not really. But I'm curious: If 
you were to take a real vacation in your 
ideal spot, what would it be like?” 

I get the feeling she's surprised to be 
asked a question like this, and intrigued 
A light comes into her blue eyes as she 
describes her ideal place, a lush, tropical 
island where drinks are served on the 
beach in coconut shells. 

It'sa pretty pedestrian fantasy, but her 
manner is charming as she spins it out, 
and in a way it's as if Гуе taken her 
there. I've flown her out of this restau- 
rant to a hot beach 
in the Caribbean 
where's she's getting 
drunk! 

A few minutes later, 
I see her standing by 
the bar with anoth- 
er waitress. They're 
looking at our table as 
they talk. When she 
brings our entrees, 
she puts them down 
and says, "And what 
about you? If you 
could imagine your 
ideal vacation spot, 
what would it be?" 

My friend is 
pressed by her willing 
participation in my 
seduction demonstra- 
tion. I am as well. It's 
like we've mixed up 
some chemicals in a 
laboratory and the 
test tube is beginning 
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“What?” 

“You know, you're actually kind of 
scary with that stuff.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“It sounds so natural coming out of 
your mouth.” 

I don't know if this is intended as an 
insult, but I have to admit I enjoyed my 
little performance. Because I was look- 
ing at the whole thing as an experiment 
and parroting someone else’s words, it 
didn’t feel like my ego was on the line 
the way it normally does. 

Maybe that's the key. If I don't get 
over with her, it won't be a personal re- 
jection of me. She just didn't go for the 
material. Jeffries emphasizes this point 
inthe tapes. "Don't worry about results,” 


play this week.” 

“Really?” 

“You should come,” she says. She 
writes down the information for me. 

Not bad, but too involved. Going to a 
play doesn’t fit into the Speed Seduction 
formula. The whole point is to avoid ex- 
tended courtship (besides, the play 
might stink). In the language of Jeffries, 
I'm on a fishing trip, and I want to see if 
I can land something—quickly. I'm not 
going to get hung up on any one fish. 

Over the next few days, I go to coffee 
shops, bars and department stores. I 
even try a street pickup. 1 get a few more 
nibbles but don’t manage to reel anyone 
in. Curious, I tell one girl, after she 
blows me off, that I am writing an article; 
I ask her to explain 


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else. You know that 
feeling you have 
when you get home 
after a hard day of 
work and all you can 
think about is strip- 
ping off your clothes and sliding into a 
hot bath or taking a shower?" 

I'm shocked I'm saying this, but she 
seems OK with it. 

“Which do you prefer?" 1 ask. “Bath 
or shower?" 

“Bath.” 

“You know how sometimes, before 
you even get in, you imagine the heat 
just working its vay through every part 
of your body—and then you actually 
slide in, and that warmth just takes you 
and you surrender to it?” 

My friend is looking at me. I can feel 
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“Oh my God,” he finally says, laugh- 
ing, as the waitress again travels out of 
earshot. 


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he says more than once. “Just have fun 
trying the stuff out.” 

“So how do you close the deal?" my 
friend asks. 

“Watch,” I say. When the waitress 
comes back, І ask her what her name is. 
She tells me it's Sandy. 

I say, “Well, Sandy, it’s really been fun 
talking to you. It's too bad that we won't 
get the chance to do it again without all 
these distractions and interruptions.” 

She nods but doesn't take the bait. No 
problem. On my way out, I go up to her 
and say, “You know, I meant what I said 
about it being fun talking to you. Maybe 
we could meet for coffee sometime. Like 
tomorrow?" 

“I can't this week," she says. "I'm in a 


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her response. She 
says, “Oh, I don't 
know," and repeats 
with disdain the lines 
I approached her 
with: "'I have ап in- 
tuition about you’? ‘I 
think you're a very 
sual person"? It's a lit- 
Че lame, don't you 
think?" 

I do. To me that's 
the main drawback 
of Speed Seduc- 
tion: The actual lan- 
guage tends to drift 
too often into the ar- 
eas of lame and em- 
barrassing. It's not 
only the language 
Jeffries teaches but 
the language he uses 
in his teaching: “1 


LO in your car for 


C 
"Let's ‘chunk’ for 
a minute." Chunk? 
Even in California 
that's not a happy 
concept. 

All the same, I can't 
help thinking that it's 
good that Jeffries is 
helping propel guys 
like me, making us 
feel bold enough to approach strange 
women. Truth ts, most successful seduc- 
ers Гуе known don't hit for a high aver- 
age. James Toback, the writer and direc- 
tor of The Pickup Artist, whom 1 met in 
Los Angeles in 1980, was as compulsive 
and tireless in his pursuit of women as 
anyone I've ever scen, and a lot said no. 
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had made a mistake." 

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strategy is helpful and using suggestive 
language is good. Even if the NLP stuff 
is a gimmick, a lot of late-night hooey, 
you'd be better off out there using it 
than you would be at home in front of 
the television, watching the infomercial. 

I know better now than to bore a 
woman with "What do you do?" ques- 
tions, or, worse, with self-involved this-is- 
what-I-do monologs if I'm interested іп 
making them interested in me. The goal 
is to engage their imaginations. To in- 
trigue. I want to create rapport and un- 
derstanding. I mean, isn't that what 
everybody wants? To feel understood? 
What could possibly be more seductive 
than that? 

On the subway a few mornings later, I 
find myself squeezed in beside a blonde 
in a navy peacoat, who's peeling an or- 
ange and putting the peels into a brown 
paper bag on her lap. Before my recent 
experiences, 1 wouldn't have dreamed 
of talking to a woman on the subway. It's 
just too tough, the K2 of pickups. But 
there's something about this blonde in 
the peacoat—maybe that she's unself- 
conscious enough to eat in public—that 
makes her seem approachable. 

“I_I'm just curious,” I say to her in 
my best Warren Beatty stutter. "Where'd 
you get that orange?" 

“What?” 

“I'm just curious where you got that 
orange. See, 1 really love oranges, but 
this ar I have trouble finding 
good ones. That looks like a really good 
one you have there." 

She shrugs, chewing on a section, 
keeping her eyes focused straight ahead. 

At least she doesn't reach for a can 
of Mace. 

“Бо... do you have some special 
place? 

“No. You just have to know what to 
look for," she mumbles. I'm making her 
nervous. We rumble into a station. The 
doors open. 

“You mean the good ones are there 
among all the others, but only you can 
tell the difference?” 

"Mm-hmm." There's the barest hint of 
a smile, followed by a brief moment of 
eye contact. The doors close and the 
train lurches up to speed. 

“Well, that’s amazing. How can you 
tell? What's the secret?" 

"No secret," she says. 

“Is it just the way they feel? The way 
they look?" 

"Both." 

"Hamm . . + I think you're being too 
modest. I mean, this is an important 
skill.” 

She laughs and looks at me, but again 
just fora moment. 

“Because, really,” I say, "there's noth- 
ing better than a good orange. You 
know? The kind where you bite into it 
and it's sweet and juicy, and it's almost 
like you can't get enough—do you know 


that feeling?" 

She nods. 

"Is that what you're feeling right now? 
I mean, with me . . . if 1 find that perfect 
orange, I’m just—I get transported. . . ." 

She's looking at me now, no incidental 
eye contact, and I'm thinking to myself, 
This is working. I'm not sure where I’m 
going from here, but this is working. 

As she starts gathering herself, I ask, 
“Is this your stop?" 

“Yeah.” 

“That's funny." 

“Why, is it your stop, too?” 

“No, but it will be if you'll let me buy 
you a cup of coffee.” 

She shakes her head and smiles. 
"OK." 

Just like that. 
TORS 

It's like the “Jedi 
mind" shit that 
Vince Vaughn did 
to the Vegas cocktail 
waitress in the mov- 
ie Swingers. 

"The funny part is 
that І immediate- 
ly start sweating. I 
Know that I’m sup- 
posed to be concen- 
trating on her state, 
but shock has mo- 
mentarily obliterat- 
ed my powers of 
concentration. 

So what happens 
next? 

Well, I'm tempt- 
ed to claim that af- 
ter a couple cups of 
caffeine we make a 
beeline for the near- 
est bed. That would 
be a good ending. 
But the truth is we 
sit and talk (a lot) 
and 1 discover she's 
an NYU graduate 
student who takes 
her coffee black 
with sugar, that she 
likes to read Baude- 
laire and her name 
is... Vanessa. 

That would be a good ending too, 
wouldn't it? 

(Parenthetical note for the curious: 1 
did call back Vanessa of the voice mail. 
We even got together for coffee. But that 
was where my curiosity and her psycho- 
logical compulsion ended.) 

As for my subway baby, her name is 
Ruth (well, it is as long as I have to 
change it for this story) and she is a grad- 
uate student. She has a small gap be- 
tween her front teeth, a charming habit 
of brushing her hair away from her face 
with one hand, and green eyes that re- 
mind me of a girl I once loved. Also, she 
talks extremely fast and her parents di- 
vorced when she was three (she grew up. 


with her mother in Schenectady; her 
older brother grew up with their fa- 
ther in Albany) and if she could imagine 
her ideal vacation spot it would be . . 
well, I didn't get around to that. 

See, what happens is, we're sitting 
there in this café, and she squints a little 
at me and says, "OK, so have you ever 
done that before, picked up somebody. 
on the subway?" 

And I tell her no, though I can't quite 
suppress a smile. 

She doesn't believe me. 

“T'I bet you're one of those guys who 
goes around picking up girls all the time, 
aren't you?” she says. 

Now I'm laughing and she says, 


There are a tense couple of moments 
while she digests it all, Then she laughs. 

“You mean I fell for it?" 

“Well, not really. I mean, the stuff 
about oranges wasn't actually from the 
Course, it was just me.” 

“But it worked. I'm here with you." 

“So you feel duped?” 

She thinks about it. "I'm not sure." 

“Don't. I mean, I'm really glad you're 
here, and if I weren't doing this piece, I 
never would have had the nerve to talk 
to you." 

“But now I am going to wonder if 
everything you're telling me is just a 
line." 


I start to laugh again and she joins in. 


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"What?" and I shake my head. 

“No, come on,” she says. “You really 
can't do that." 

1 look at her and she looks at me with 
those luminous green eyes. 

"And you probably don't even like or- 
anges," she says. 

At which point the urge is too strong, 1 
can't help myself, I want to share the 
joke with her. 

“Look, there's something that 1 want 
to tell you, but I'm afraid if I do, you 
won't like me." 

"What? Is it bad?" 

"No, but —" 

“Then you have to tell me." 

So I spill the beans. 1 tell her about 
Speed Seduction, the article I'm writing. 


“I guess I blew it, 
didn't I?" I say. 

“Why? You really 
think Pd go right to 
bed with some guy 1 
just met in the sub- 
way anyway?” 

“I don't know.” 

“You really don't 
know?” 

"I'm sure that you 
probably wouldn't. 
You know what the 
crazy part is? Wom- 
en have The Rules, 
which tells them to 
put off sleeping with 
a guy if they want 
to make him fall 
for them, and men 
have Speed Seduc- 
lion, which tells us 
not to date a woman 
until after we have 
had sex. I think that 
if you meet the right 
person it doesn't 
really matter what 
you do." 

"Really? 

"Sure, it's proba- 
bly doomed either 
way." 

She looks at me. 
“That's a joke." 
"So is that what 
you want to do?" 

"Well, Ross Jeffries would probably 
kill me, but would you like to have din- 
ner with me?" 

She twists up her mouth for a mo- 
ment. "When?" 

"Tomorrow?" 

“I think we should wait.” 

“For what?” 

“For you to finish your article.” 
“You mean so I can call the article Slow 
Seduction.” 

“You're actually doing pretty well, be- 
lieve me.” 

What can I say, Ross? Even in the land 
of fast everything, some things are just 
worth waiting for. 


163 


PLAYBOY 


164 


MÁ G 1C (continued from page 76) 


When I got to Los Angeles I learned to hate the 
Celtics—and that meant hating Larry too. 


of Michael. 

PLAYBOY: Was there a time when you 
didn't like him personally? 

JOHNSON: No, I have always admired 
Michael. 1 wanted someone to push me, 
push my buttons. You have to remember. 
something: Michael, Larry Bird and I all 
made one another better; we made each 
other play at a higher level. I wouldn't 
be as good if Michael hadn't been in the 
league; same thing with Larry. Anyway, 
there's too much to go around to be jeal- 
ous. Look at us now. Larry owns hotels, 
car dealerships—he made his money. 
Michael has more money than all of us. 
I'm successful. So we're all successful, 
we're all great іп our own ways. There's 
mo sense in being jealous of one another. 
PLAYBOY: You and Larry are polar oppo- 
sites. He'sa white guy from French Lick, 
Indiana, and you're a black city kid from 
Lansing, Michigan. 


JOHNSON: But we're the same in that 


we're close with our familics. People 
thought I was from the city, but I’m real- 


ly from a country town—Lansing. We're 
both from small towns. We both played 
on the ground, whereas Michael plays in 
the air. We both were about passing and 
making other people better. We both 
were about winning at any cost, and we 
still are. You don't want to challenge us, 
no way, in anything. We became close. 
PLAYBOY: Was it always that way? 
JOHNSON: No. I really didn't like Larry 
Bird at first. If you're talking about 
somebody I didn't like, it wasn't Michael, 
it was Larry. 

PLAYBOY: Why? 

JOHNSON: It was that rivalry thing from 
college. And they pitted us against each 
other from day one in the NBA. When I 
got to Los Angeles I learned to hate the 
Celtics—and that meant hating Larry 
too. That's how we went about it. We 
didn't speak, we didn't say anything to 
each other. We just went at it. It was part 
of the old Celtics-Lakers rivalry, and we 
were thrown into the thick of it. 
PLAYBOY: How did the two of you end up 


‘And I suppose you never noticed there was a cartoonist in. 
the room, drawing the whole thing.” 


being friends? 

JOHNSON: It was during the Eighties and 
we were doing a Converse commercial. 
We started talking and found out we had 
so much in common. And we started 
laughing. They couldn't even get us to 
do the commercial because we were hav- 
ing so much fun. From then on, it was 
cool. We could still play hard against 
each other and claw and scratch, but we 
had developed a mutual respect. 
PLAYBOY: The last time you, Bird and 
Jordan were all together was in the 1992 
Olympics. What was it like off the court, 
with the Dream Team on the loose in 
Monaco? 

JOHNSON: There was a lot of casino time. 
A lot of winners and a lot of losers. I was 
a winner. Michael was a winner. Michael 
had his own table. I give him credit—he 
did it in style. 

PLAYBOY: Did you sit at his table? 
JOHNSON: No, because he plays blackjack. 
I'm not a good blackjack player. I play 
craps. 

PLAYBOY: Were you able to play? Did peo- 
ple leave you alone? 

JOHNSON: They made sure people left us 
alone. A guy got smoking hot and I rode 
him all the way. 

PLAYBOY: How much are we talking? 
JOHNSON: Like $10,000 or $15,000. 1 had 
already topped Michael and the rest of 
them, so I was doing real good. We had 
fun. These guys make serious money, so 
they could drop serious money. 

PLAYBOY: Was anyone hit hard? 

JOHNSON: Charles Barkley lost. A couple 
other guys had to call back home [cups 
his hand around his mouth]: “Wire some 
money!” 

PLAYBOY: Who was the worst gambler? 
JOHNSON: When we played cards, the 
worst was Charles. Scottie Pippen didn't 
make much money at that time, so he 
had to bail. 

PLAYBOY: How big were the stakes? 
JOHNSON: Very big. The small guys had 
to move out of the way and let the big 
guys handle it. 

PLAYBOY: So it was left to you and 
Michael? 

JOHNSON: Every night. 

PLAYBOY: How much money are we talk- 
ing about? 

JOHNSON: When you looked down on the 
floor all you could see was money. 
pLavaov: How much did you win? 
JOHNSON: After that trip 1 was probably 
up $50,000, maybe $60,000. 

PLAYBOY: Dennis Rodman wrote in his 
book, Bad As 1 Wanna Be, "Fifty percent 
of lifc in the NBA is sex, the other 50 
percent is money.” Is he right? 

JOHNSON: It's like anything else. There 
are women who are after anybody who's 
making a good living. They're attracted 
to ballplayers, actors—and to the type of 
life you live. 

PLAYBOY: How much sex is there? 
JOHNSON: It depends on the individual. 
But there’s a lot. Dennis might not be 


way, way off. But he's off far enough. 
PLAYBOY: Rodman also said in his book, 
"I don't think the revelation that Magic 
Johnson has HIV changed anybody's 
mind when it comes to sex in the NBA. 
If yov're in the NBA, you think you're 
invincible, you think you're bullet- 
proof” True? 

JOHNSON: Yeah, that's true. But that's 
true with any sport and with anybody 
who's successful. 

PLAYBOY: Why does success make you 
think you're invincible? 

JOHNSON: Because you have been pam- 
pered your whole life. Especially now, 
with kids, because of what has happened 
since the NBA took off. Now guys are 
spoiled when they're in junior high. If 
they're any good, they're given every- 
thing they want. When they get in trou- 
ble, somebody covers for them. When 
they are in class, somebody does their 
schoolwork. 

PLAYBOY: Rodman also says unprotected 
sex is not uncommon at all. 

JOHNSON: That's probably a true state- 
ment from him. He sees it, he's there, 
he's hanging with them. 

PLAYBOY: How about your early days in 
the league? You were famous and you 
had a lot of money. What was the party 
scene like? 

JOHNSON: It didn't happen early for me, 
because I was too scared of L.A. So I 
stayed in the house a lot. It didn't hap- 
pen until I got to know the league and 
Los Angeles. 

PLAYBOY: How long did that take? 
JOHNSON: It had to be two or three years. 
PLAYBOY: Did you jump in big? 

JOHNSON: It's never been big for me. You 
do it, but you make sure basketball's 
number one. I had fun—no question 
about it. But I knew when to have fun 
and when not to. That's the key for me. 
PLAYBOY: Did it take a toll on players? 
JOHNSON: Yeah, a lot of them. A lot of 
them didn't stay in the league long, and 
there were definitely many who couldn't 
handle Hollywood and Los Angeles. 
PLAYBOY: How is Los Angeles different 
from other big cities? 

JOHNSON: The women, the Forum, the 
stars, the weather, the people. You know, 
L.A. is L.A. When some players come 
here, they're not able to handle it and 
they play poorly. Guys always came up to 
me and said, "I don't know how you play 
here." 

PLAYBOY: Really? 

JOHNSON: Oh yeah. They'd say, "I don't 
know how you concentrate." Even my 
friends would say, ^I couldn't play here." 
Some coaches wouldn't let their players 
come here two or three nights before 
they were to play us, because they'd be 
so tired after partying. I knew we would 
beat them by 30. I knew it. 

PLAYBOY: Did it give you a psychological 
boost to have celebrities in the stands? 
JOHNSON: Sure. Besides, we were good. 
We were a great team. And then you add 


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PLAYBOY 


the fact that Jack Nicholson and all these 
other stars were there. 

PLAYBOY: How did you learn to deal with 
the Los Angeles phenomenon? 
JOHNSON: At first, it freaked me out. But 
you know me—I don't let anybody get in 
the way of me and basketball. When I hit 
that court, I was happy the celebrities 
were there so I could perform for them. 
You want a packed, star-studded house 
like that. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about today's Lakers. 
Are you glad to see a guy like Shaquille 
O'Neal building up business ventures at 
an carly age? 

JOHNSON: Yes. I told Shaquille to, that's 
why he's doing it. He's supplying jobs. 
See, if all these black athletes would go 
into their communities and start busi- 
nesses, it would take a lot of our children 
off the streets. You make this money, 
so put something into the community. 
Please don't misunderstand. This is not. 
about charity. This is about solid busi- 
ness deals. 

PLAYBOY: How many athletes really want 
to invest the time and money to make a 
difference? 

JOHNSON: About ten percent. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think they can really ac- 
complish anything? 

JOHNSON: What people fail to realize is 
that business is power. These athletes, 
even though they make millions, aren't 
seen by the owners and the league as 
anything but athletes. That's all. The 
business community and the political 
community look at them the same way. 
Ownership is power. 

PLAYBOY: Why do owners look down on 
the players? 

JOHNSON: They don't take them serious- 
ly as businessmen because they've seen 
this happen too many times. Pay a guy 
$5 million, $6 million, and he goes broke 
in, what, five or six years? That happens 
all the time, and then these guys go back 
to the owners for loans. That's why own- 
ers don't take athletes seriously. And this 
is true in every sport. 

PLAYBOY: Business is one answer. Is there 
also a political answer? You and Jesse 
Jackson are good friends. Would you 
like to see him run for president again? 
JOHNSON: He can't. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

JOHNSON: Jesse's been in the game too 
long. People know him too well. He's 
made a lot of people mad and he's made 
a lot of people happy. Colin Powell has 
a better chance of winning, because 
he could get a lot of white votes. 
Jesse couldn't do that. 

PLAYBOY: But you and Jackson are 
friends. What about running on the 
same ticket? Him as president, you as 
vice president? 

JOHNSON: No, Га have to go with Powell, 
a likely winner. Like I said, Jesse can't 
win. I'm not going to go where I know I 
can't win. 


166 rLAYBOv: No matter what happens in 


your career, you'll always be remem- 
bered most for the day you gave a press 
conference announcing that you'd test- 
ed positive for HIV. Where did you get 
the strength to go public that way? 
JOHNSON: I don't know, it's just what God 
gave me. We all handle things different- 
ly. He gave me the strength and courage 
I nced to meet things head-on. I've al- 
ways been like this. I've never run away 
from anything. It's the only way 1 know 
how to do things. I didn't run, I didn't. 
hide. People were telling me, “I don't 
know if you should tell." But I had to 
make my own decision. Then I told my 
wife I was going to make it public. She 
was scared at first, because she didn't 
know how people were going to react. 
And I said, “You know, Cookie, we can't 
worry about the public reaction.” 
PLAYBOY: Does an athlete have a respon- 
sibility to reveal if he is HIV-positive or 
has AIDS? 

JOHNSON: No. He has no respo: ty 
for anybody except for himself and for 
his family. 

PLAYBOY: What about athletes who play 
sports that involve a great deal of physi- 
cal contact? 

JOHNSON: We do owe it to the other play- 
ers, but we don't always do the right 
thing. I hope athletes who find out they 
are infected will tell—they'ye seen me 
deal with it and they know they can deal 
with it too. But do I think that's going to 
happen? No. 

PLAYBOY: Do you know of any infected 
players? 

JOHNSON: I don't know any and they 
wouldn't tell me, anyway. 

PLAYBOY: They wouldn't come to you for 
advice and support? 

JOHNSON: Nah. They'd be too scared. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever consider not 
telling? 

JOHNSON: No. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever consider playing 
even after you told? 

JOHNSON: Yeah, 1 considered it. But my 
quitting was best for the game at that. 
time. People weren't educated. They 
weren't ready for it. 

PLAYROY: At the time, a lot of people 
thought you were lying about the cause 
of the infection, that you were covering 
up drug use or homosexual activity. 
JOHNSON: Yeah, there was a lot of that. A 
lot of people were searching for a story: 
"There's no way he could come up posi- 
tive and not have slept vith a man, 
there's no way it could have happened 
with all these women." But when they 
checked and rechecked and kept check- 
ing my story, they came up vith nothing. 
That bothered them. 

You know, a lot of tabloids made of- 
fers—$50,000 to $150,000—for infor- 
mation on my private life, so someone 
would have talked. If it were true, it 
would have been out long ago. 

PLAYBOY: There was a column in The 
Sporting News in 1992 that said Magic 


Johnson should "tell the whole truth 
about how he acquired the AIDS virus. 
He said unprotected heterosexual sex 
did it. Numbers say thar's unlikely." 
JOHNSON: That was written by a guy who 
didn't like me. That's all that was. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think would have 
happened if you had said, “I'm retiring 
today because I'm HIV-positive and 1 
got it from a man"? 
JOHNSON: It would have been completely 
different. Especially at that time. Shoot. 
PLAYBOY: How different? 
JOHNSON: I don't know, it's hard to say. 
People couldn't have handled it. But it 
doesn't matter. 
PLAYBOY: After your announcement, did 
you develop a relationship with the gay 
community? 
JOHNSON: Definitely. Because I speak for 
them, too, on HIV and AIDS issues. 
PLAYBOY: What kind of relationship do 
you have with them? 
JOHNSON: Far as I know, it's good. HIV 
and AIDS are in every community, het- 
erosexual and gay. At first, most of my 
knowledge about this disease came from. 
the gay community. When I was on the 
board of the AIDS commission, I 
learned a lot from the gay community 
about HIV and AIDS. 
PLAYBOY: Is homosexuality a topic you 
were always comfortable with? 
JOHNSON: No, I'd be lying if I said it was. 
PLAYBOY: When did you begin to adjust 
to it? 
JOHNSON: I think you get more comfort- 
able with it as you get older. Also, in Los 
Angeles you see it a lot—among people 
you know. So you start talking to them, 
whether they're lesbians or gay men. 
And then you say, OK, to each his own, 
because that’s what they believe. 
PLAYBOY: Who do you lean on when 
times are tough? 
JOHNSON: Cookie and God. That's it. 
She's my reason to keep going—and my 
three little ones. She gives me strength 
all the time. It's funny, people really 
don't know her. And she likes it that way. 
She likes to stay in the background, she's 
always enjoyed that role. We lean on 
each other for strength. I would proba- 
bly be dead by nov if not for her. I have 
my kids to keep going for and to stay 
healthy for and to keep my businesses 
going for. Everything I do now is 
for them. 
PLAYBOY: What would have happened if 
Cookie had said, “I don't want to do this. 
I can't live my life like this"? 
JOHNSON: My life would be in turmoil. 
Because she's the only woman I've ever 
loved. When you lose half of you, that 
other person, your enthusiasm about liv- 
ing changes. 
PLAYBOY: Changes in what way? 
JOHNSON: When I told her, I said, “You 
can leave. I will understand if you want 
to leave.” 

And that day she smacked me. The 
same time I told her I had HIV, she said, 


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FEET 


“Hey, I'm here, I love you.” Once she 
decided to stay, I knew I was going to be 
fine. We'd been together through every- 
thing for so long, and I needed her to be 
with me for this as well. 

PLAYBOY: Given the circumstances, many 
people wonder about the state of your 
sex life with your wife. 

JOHNSON: It's very good. Better than it's 
ever been. You do the same thing, but 
you do it protected. You're making love. 
It doesn't change your sex life at all. 
Ours is as great as it was. 

rıaxsOy: Do you feel as if you have given 
up a lot of privacy because of your 
announcement? 

JOHNSON: No. We're still private. Cookie 
and I came to an agreement that we 
want to help people understand. 
PLAYBOY: Was that tough for her? 
JOHNSON: Yeah, it was tougher for her 
than it was for me. I was already a public 
person. 

PLAYBOY: How did she react those first 
few times when intimate details of your 
life were broadcast to the world? 
JOHNSON: h man! They had to know 
that? They had to say that?" She is so 
funny. You have to understand Cookie. 
She's always loved being in the back- 
ground, and she had never done an in- 
terview. She loved her life behind the 
scenes and loved her husband's life up 
there, out front. Then her life turned 
sort of upside down. She's adjusted very 
well. She can handle anything and she 
has an answer for everything. That's 
what I love about her. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever regret your an- 
nouncement because of the effect it was 
having on her? Did you ever say to her 
or yourself, "Maybe we should have kept 
this between us"? 

JOHNSON: No, because you know what? 
She didn't like it and now she loves it 
She has helped a lot of people. She 
works with my foundation now. She 
loves helping, she loves answering ques- 
tions. And people have written her let- 
ters. A lot of women write to her. She 
feels good about that. 

PLAYBOY: How did she handle the chap- 
ter in your autobiography detailing your 
sex life with other women? 

JOHNSON: That had to come out. Our re- 
lationship i is so strong now that we don't 
live in the past. What happened, hap- 
pened. You can't erase it. You can't pre- 
tend it didn't happen. So you might as 
well get it out there, because if you don't, 
somebody else is going to tell the wrong 
story. So I told the story and she laughed 
about it. We were in Hawaii, she’s read- 
ing it and laughing, “You did that? Oh 
boy!” We joked about it and moved on. 
She's the best. God couldn't have sent 
me a better person, a better woman. 
PLAYBOY: The second game of your 1996 
comeback season was against Jordan and 
the Bulls. How special was that? 
JOHNSON: I was so high. And sore. After- 
ward I stayed up all night talking to 


Cookie. It’s hard for me to come down 
because I focus so much during a game. 
It’s hard for me to get to sleep. I had that 
feeling back and stayed up and kept her 
up and then she said, “Look, I cant do 
this all night." So I went downstairs and 
replayed the game and watched TV un- 
til three or four o'clock in the morning, 
until I came down from the emotional 
high. It was great being back in it one 
more time. 

rAYBOY: And how about facing Jordan 
again? 

JOHNSON: It was great to be up against 
him again. It was real special to have 
Rodman just playing ball on me, slam- 
ming me, and then Dennis and Scottie 
and Michael talking to me through the 
whole game. It was wonderful. It was 
worth coming back for. 

PLAYBOY: For that game? 

JOHNSON: Yeah. If 1 had retired after 
that, it would have been perfect. 

PLAYBOY: Except the Lakers lost. 
JOHNSON: Yeah, we got beat bad, but it 
was still worth the excitement of a big 
game, getting that billing one more time. 
PLAYBOY: During your return, did you 
notice a difference between the players 
ofthe Eighties and the younger Nineties 
players? 

JOHNSON: The Nineties approach is just 
different. I had to understand that that 
was their way of doing things and the 
Eighties way was ours. As long as it all 
works, it’s good. The Eighties guys were 
quiet—we really took things to heart. 
"The Nineties way of dealing with losses 
and anger is different from ours, that’s 
all. It was hard for me to understand 
that, and in return it was hard for them 
to deal with the way I am. 

piavsoy: Did they ever make you feel 
that they did not want you there? 
JOHNSON: Oh yeah, in their own way. 
PLAYBOY: How was that? 

JOHNSON: What happened was this: 
When I came back, all the publicity 
swarmed around me, and that wasn't 
what they were used to. It affected them, 
you know. It's natural for guys to react 
that way. 

PLAYBOY: Was it jealousy? 

JOHNSON: You can call it what you vant. 
I'm not going to call it that. I'm just say- 
ing it's natural for the young guys to say, 
"Hey, man, this was our thing. Now here 
he comes.” But it was cool. I wouldn't say 
it was jealousy, just a natural reaction. 
PLAYBOY: And yet you definitely needed 
to be back. 

JOHNSON: Yeah. I had a basketball jones 
and needed a fix. And I got it. That's 
why I won't go back again. Before, I just 
had to have it. Just to end it. And now 
I'm comfortable. Now when I walk into 
the gym, I'm cool. 1 know I don't belong. 
I know this isn't me anymore. I'm com- 
fortable with myself. 


“Put Mr. Spielberg on hold” 


(continued from page 129) 
nation's youth—but that's what happens 
when you're the mastermind of a televi- 
sion show as rude, hilarious and subver- 
sive as South Park. By now, even people 
who haven't seen the show know the 
fundamentals of Comedy Central's ani- 
mated series: It’s an inelegantly mini- 
malist show which posits that children 
are mean-spirited, foulmouthed little 
brats who try to make sense of a land- 
scape littered with alien anal probes, gay 
dogs, cable-access shows hosted by Je- 
sus, and a 40-foot, fire-breathing Barbra 
Streisand who tries to enslave the world. 

“The show's characters are Kyle, Stan, 
the obnoxious Cartman and the eternal- 
ly doomed Kenny. But the stars are Trey 
Parker, 28, and his cohort Matt Stone, 
26, a pair of beer-drinking, sports-loving 
dudes from small-town Colorado. Par- 
ker and Stone have turned the remem- 
bered indignities of their childhoods 
into one of the funniest shows on televi- 
sion. Their humor is undoubtedly in bad 
taste, but there is no anger or malicious- 
ness in it; the tastelessness is goofier, 
more gleeful. The kids on South Park 
may well be profane little bastards—but 
they're only cight years old, so it's not as 
though they're as stupid as our last set of 
animated boneheads, Beavis and Butt- 
head. (Well, Cartman may be heading in 
that direction.) 

But you don't spend time with Parker 
and Stone basking in the glow of their 
genius. Morc likely, you spend that timc 
laughing at two guys who speak their 
minds and gleefully bad-mouth movie 
stars and pals alike. They're two guys 
who are clearly trying to figure out how 
to act now that they've become so damn 
successful. 

First of all, the perks are mind-bog- 
gling: In January, for instance, Comedy 
Central got them tenth-row, 50-yard-line 
seats for the Super Bowl, where they 
watched their beloved Denver Broncos 
upset the Green Bay Packers. They now 
have a tape of that game, and they watch 
it every week. “It was,” says Stone, “the 
greatest day of my life. 

Then there's the restaurant thing. 
“You know the Sky Bar?” says Parker. 
“You can't fucking get into that place. I 
went there with this girl, and the guy at 
the door said, “Во you have a reserva- 
tion?’ I said no, and he said, "Well, we 
only take reservations.’ And I said, “Did 
you ever see South Park?" He goes, ‘Yeah,’ 
and I said, ‘I'm Trey Parker. That's my 
show.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, sorry. Come 
іп/” He breaks into a goofy grin, still 
amazed. "1 mean, it works." 

Stone hasn't tried that yet, but he's 
ready. “A year ago," he says, “I would 
have said, 'Oh, man, that's fucked, that 
they give people special treatment like 
that.” Now I think, Yeah, I deserve that. 
Тһе rules shouldn't apply to me. For 


some reason, I'm now completely con- 
vinced that I deserve it.” 

Parker agrees. “It's sweet,” һе says. 

. 

The sign says SURF'N' TURF CLUB. On a 
small square of Astroturf in the parking 
lot of the aging Olympic Auditorium in 
Los Angeles sit three chairs, a punching. 
bag, a workout bench, two birdbaths, 
three rubber ducks and no water. 

This is director David Zucker's spread 
on the set of the movie Baseketball, but 
this afternoon it's the province of Parker 
and Stone, who have lead roles in the 
movie as the stars of a new sport that. 
sweeps the nation—part baseball, part 
basketball. Clad in baseball shirts and 
basketball shorts, they sign autographs 
on a copy of Rolling Stone that features 
South Park on the cover. They confer 
briefly with their assistant, Brandon 
Cruz (three decades ago he played Ed- 
die on the television series The Courtship 
of Eddie's Father), and chat with South Park 
writer David Goodman about a writers” 
meeting 

“We don't really need a meeting,” 
Parker says. “The three of us just need to. 
get together and write. Jt should just be 
Matt and you and me and some chicks. 
We'll party all day, and I bet we get a mil- 
lion great ideas." He grins, and recon- 
siders. "Well, at least three great ideas.” 

For the most part, creators of other 
successful animated shows were (at least 
initially) content to stay in the back- 
ground and stick to those projects— 
think of Beavis & Butt-head’s Mike Judge, 
or The Simpsons’ Matt Groening. But Par- 
ker and Stone seem determined to do a 
little of everything: make South Park, 
write, produce, direct and star in live-ac- 
tion films and act in other people's 
movies. 

South Park, for instance, began run- 
ning a set of new episodes in May, and 
Comedy Central has picked up the show 
for years three and four. This means 60 
shows have been ordered (fewer than 20 
have been completed). Basekelball comes 
out this summer, and a few months later 
October Films plans to release Orgazmo 
(a low-budget, Parker-directed film 
about a Mormon missionary who moon- 
lights as a reluctant porn star to raise 
money for his wedding). They've signed 
a deal for two pictures with Paramount, 
the first of which will be a South Park 
movie. And they've agreed to write the 
script for the sequel to Dumb and Dumber. 

“It's hard when you first come to 
town,” explains Parker. “You're broke. 
The only way you make it in this busi- 
ness is to take everything that's offered, 
because nine out of ten things fall 
through. So we signed every deal we 
could. If this falls through, fine, we've 
got that. For three years, we kept taking 
everything we could and signing every 
deal we could. And the problem is that 


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170 


after South Park hit, we still had that 
mentality—not realizing that things 
weren't going to fall through anymore. 
We found ourselves thinking, Holy shit, 
we've got to do all of this now.” 

As a result, he says, the two are com- 
pletely booked through the year 2000. 
‘They find this comforting but confusing. 
"It's funny,” he says, "because we're tout- 
ed in the media as the hottest guys. But 
we have no money. We're broke. I mean, 
we don't make shit off of South Park, be- 
cause it's Comedy Central, because it's 
cable, and because we signed a shitty 
deal. Who knew? To us, a year ago, a 
thousand bucks a week sounded like 
amazing money. And now I keep read- 
ing about $33 million worth of T-shirts 
sold. I got my check last week: $7000." 

He tries to laugh at this, and almost 
succeeds. "If you let it get to you, you 
can get really bitter and pissed off. But 
then that'll destroy you. You have to let 
go of it. You have to say, ‘All right, we're 
creating this and giving it to the world.” 
That's the only healthy way to really do 
it. You see people like the Ren & Stimpy 
guy—you know, he’s just such a pissed- 
off little bastard now that he hates every- 
one and everyone hates him. Well, was it 
worth it?” 


Here's another perk of fame. (Or 
maybe it's another sign that some mean 


little kids never completely grow up.) 
"We have a little friend," says Stone, 
"who we're giving the silent treaument to 
today." His name is Dian Bachar and he 
plays Choda Boy, the diminutive side- 
kick to Parker's title hero in Orgazmo. 
"They've known Bachar for a long time. 
They give him work. “We love fucking 
with Dian," says Parker. "We have done 
it since we were in college, and this was 
the ultimate one. We got offers for these 
parts in Baseketball, and we went to Da- 
vid Zucker and said, "You know what 
would be really funny? If these two guys 
had another friend they just fucking 
ripped on all the time, and they called 
him a little bitch. And then when they 
get to be huge sports stars, he's known as 
Little Bitch in the sports world.' And he 
said, That's good, that's good.” Then we 
said, ‘And we know а guy —” 

“Who'd actually be perfect for this,” 
says Stone. 

“And now he’s starring in the movie.” 

“As Little Bitch,” Stone laughs. “And 
he hates us, but he’s, like, totally poor, 
and he’s getting however much money 
for this.” 

It’s nice, I say, to find people who use 
their newfound fame in such construc- 
tive ways. 

“Yeah,” agrees Parker. "We've been 
fucking with him for a long time. The 
cocksucker.” 

“We give him the silent treatment,” 


“How do 1 know you're thinking of me? You still have 
your golf glove on.” 


adds Stone, who just then spots Bachar 
coming around the corner of a nearby 
trailer. “Oh, here he comes.” As soon as 
he sees Parker and Stone, Bachar makes 
a U-turn and walks the other way. “Now 
he's sure we're talking about him,” says 
Stone gleefully, "because he's a paranoid 
dick.” 

And if he reads this story, I offer, he'll 
know you were talking about him. 

"Yeah," says Stone. 

"Yeah," says Parker. "Sweet." 


Back in Aspen, Parker and Stone have. 
arrived at the St. Regis Hotel for a pro- 
gram titled “South Park Comes Home," a 
tribute to the show that also includes 
showings of a few early student films by 
Parker. First, though, there's a press 
conference at 9:45 am., an hour ungodly 
enough that they have waiters deliver 
them breakfast midway through the Q. 
and A. session. "We thought it would be 
funny if we ate breakfast while talking 
to you,” explains Parker to the media. 
Stone disagrees. “Fuck, no,” he says. “We 
were hungry." 

Then they get back to answering the 
questions. A man from High Times wants 
to know if they are big drug users. “I 
think that it's the same as it is with most 
people,” says Parker with a shrug. “We 
wouldn't say we haven't had some great 
times on acid, but it has nothing to do 
with the work. Unfortunately, we don't 
have time for drugs anymore.” 

“Yeah,” adds Stone. “And it's a real 
shame.” 

Inevitably, questions arise about the 
criticism leveled at the show, and about 
whether the show is appropriate for chil- 
dren. "If I had kids,” says Parker, "I 
would much rather have them watch 
South Park than Full House, because you 
want them to grow up with a brain." 

And so it goes. Q.: “Now that you're so. 
successful, do you worry about letting. 
your focus slip?" 

Parker: “1 don't think so. First of all, 
we've never been that focused." 

“Would you be willing to compromise. 
your vision and style fora big network?" 

Parker: "lf it meant more money, 
sure." 

Afterward, Stone walks through a hall- 
way, stopping briefly before he's called to 
do another interview. "This has been 
cool," he says, "because there are lots of 
Colorado people here." 

Coloradans, to hear Parker and Stone 
tell it, are a different breed. They love 
the Broncos and hate Barbra Streisand. 
Most of them can't get Comedy Central 
because the cable systems don't carry it, 
so they can't see South Park unless they 
visit a Web site from which they can 
download entire episodes (with the 
blessings of all involved). But when Col- 
orado people do see the show, they get it. 
on a deeper level than do folks from oth- 
er parts of the country. 


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That's because Parker and Stone are 
Colorado people. A few facts: Parker 
grew up in Conifer, Stone in Littleton. 
Neither lived in South Park. 

As a child, Parker had a habit of for- 
getting to flush the toilet. His father 
tried to impress on young Trey the ne- 
cessity of flushing the toilet. “If you 
flush," he said, *your poo goes away. But 
if you don't, the poo will come to life, 
jump out of the toilet, do a little dance 
and kill you." His dad called the poo Mr. 
Hanky. The rest is history, as fans of the 
episode “Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo" 
know well. 

Parker's sister Kelly, he says, "kicked 
my ass" every day. So he took tae kwon 
do for years. (This would come in handy 
in Orgazmo.) When he was 13, his father 
bought him a video camera. 

Stone's sister didn't kick Matt's ass. In 
the pilot episode of South Park, her pic- 
ture is on a table in Cartman's house. 
Matt Stone was an honors student and a 
math whiz. 

Parker and Stone met at the Universi- 
ty of Colorado at Boulder, and bonded 
largely because of their mutual fanati- 
cism over Monty Python's Flying Circus. 
Stone majored in mathematics, but Par- 
ker was determined to make it in show- 
biz. "We were,” says Stone, “the only two 
guys in film school who didn't want to be 
Martin Scorsese." 

Parker hit on his signature style of an- 
imation—cardboard cutouts—when he 
waited until the last minute to do a film- 
school project. Cardboard was faster 
than real animation, so he used it. The 
short, American History, was cheap but 
hilarious. It won a Student Academy 
Award. 

At the age of 21, Parker was dumped 
by his fiancée. Depressed, he stopped 
going to classes and decided to make a 
real movie. Stone helped. They didn’t 
have the money they needed, so they 
shot a trailer instead—and then made 
the rounds of friends, family and well- 
heeled acquaintances, showing the trail- 
erand explaining they could finish their 
movie if they had a little more money. 
"They raised $125,000 and made Canni- 
bal: The Musical, Parker's affectionate 
nod to the musicals of Rodgers and 
Hammerstein. But Richard Rodgers and 
Oscar Hammerstein would never have 
written a show about a notorious flesh- 
eating Coloradan. 

They had big plans. “We figured, 
Look, we'll just make it totally stupid," 
says Parker. “It'll be a movie. Video stores 
need movies, right? Like someone's go- 
ing to buy this." 

“We thought we'd spend $100,000," 
adds Stone, “and we'd get a million for 
it, and make $900,000." 

"And then we'd go back to Colorado," 
says Parker, "and make another one." 

They took the movie to the Sundance 
Film Festival in Park City, Utah. It hadn't 
been accepted into the festival, but they 


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showed up anyway and held a couple of 
guerrilla screenings. When a few Holly- 
wood types liked it and told them they 
should come to Los Angeles, they head- 
ed straight there, where they were aston- 
ished to find how many other cheap, stu- 
pid movies they were competing with. 
But people liked Cannibal, including 
then-20th Century Fox executive Brian 
Graden, with whom they began to work 
on a variety of projects —“all of which,” 
says Graden, "went nowhere." 

Another fan was Airplane! co-director 
David Zucker, who'd signed a deal with 
Universal Pictures around the time the 
studio was purchased by Seagrams. 
Hired to direct an in-house film that 
made light of the acquisition, Zucker. 
turned the project over to Parker at the 
last minute. There was no concept and 
no script, but big names (including Ste- 
ven Spielberg, Sylvester Stallone and De- 
mi Moore) had agreed to participate. 

“Thad to write it, direct it and do it all 
on the fly,” says Parker. "And there was 
this frantic woman at Universal coordi- 
nating it. Га be sitting there with Demi 
Moore, and this woman would run up. 
and go, 'Steven Spielberg said he'll do 
something. He's going to be here in 30 
minutes. It's got to be funny.’ It was like 
that for eight days. 1 almost went insane.” 

And since the big stars didn't know 
who he was and didn't trust him, he lied 
to them. "I would sit on the cell phone," 
he says, “and pretend that David was 
on it. 1 would say to Steven Spielberg, 
"Here's what I’m going to have you do: 
You're on the Jaws ride.’ And Spielberg 
was like, ‘I don't get it” And I would say, 
"Well, it was David's idea,’ and he'd be 
like, 'Oh, OK.' Sometimes I'd pretend 
to be on the phone to David: 'You want 
him to do what? OK, cool, got you.’ I 
would tell them that 1 was just doing 
what David told me to do, and then it 
was fine. But before that they were like, 
"Who the fuck are you?” 

He laughs; it's safe to call it the last 
laugh. "And now Spielberg's been trying 
to get a mecting with us for the past two 
weeks,” he says, "and we've been too 
busy. It's pretty sweet." 

"The Universal project gave them a lit- 
tle money, but none of their other proj- 
ects caught on. In 1995, out of ideas, 
Brian Graden threw them $1200 to 
make a video Chrisunas card he antici- 
pated sending to some 500 friends and 
studio executives. They pocketed half 
the money and made The Spirit of Christ- 
mas, an uproarious five minutes in which 
Jesus and Santa duke it out over the 
meaning of the holiday, while four foul- 
mouthed third graders watch. Graden 
knew the video was too raunchy to send 
to anyone but his friends, but before 
long, dubbed copies of the tape began 
showing up all around town. 

Suddenly, Parker and Stone were hot. 
They took the characters from The Spirit 


172 of Christmas and got to work—in Gra- 


den's words—on “turning five minutes 
of fart jokes into a hal£hour TV show.” 
It took them 70 days to make the South 
Park pilot. Debbie Liebling, a Comedy. 
Central vice president, says that when 
she saw they weren't going to make a 
deadline and gave them two extra days, 
they used those days, unbeknownst to 
her, to make a short film. 

South Park went on the air in August 
1997, and the buzz started immediately. 
By Christmas, the show was racking up 
unprecedented ratings for Comedy Cen- 
tral and record ratings for cable in 
general. Howls from outraged would- 
be censors followed. So did T-shirt 
sales, magazine covers and offers for 
Parker and Stone. They moved from 
their small, dumpy apartment in Playa 
Del Rey to a bigger, nicer apartment in 
the same west Los Angeles beach com- 
munity; they went to Beijing together 
for New Year's Eve. And they finished 
Orgazmo, which had been one of the first 
projects they pitched to Hollywood stu- 
dios when they came to town on the 
heels of Cannibal. 

But Orgazmo is clearly not a big-studio 
movie. It's cheap (made for $1 million), 
fast (shot in five weeks) and proud. "Any 
fucking idiot," opines Parker, "could 
make a movie great if he had a day to do 
fucking 20 seconds. A movie like Orgaz- 
mo, it's all about how quick you can do it, 
and whether you can actually do it for a 
million bucks." 

He laughs. *I remember when Orgaz- 
mo got its first review, in Variety. It was a 
good review, but it said, ‘Parker needs to 
sharpen his visual style'—all this stuff ba- 
sically related to money, you know what 
I mean? And I just thought, Well, fuck 
yeah. If I had all the time in the world, 
I'd do all kinds of crazy-ass shit." 

This is not to say that Orgazmo does 
not contain plenty of crazy-ass shit, in- 
cluding a Mormon porn star, his deadly 
foe Neutered Man, a sidekick with a 
rocket-shooting penis and a devout, ap- 
ple-cheeked young lass who considers 
her fiancé’s new career as an orgasm- 
inducing crime fighter and concludes, 
“This whole thing is just too gosh-darn 
wacky to be co-inky-dink. Maybe this is 
what our Heavenly Father has intended 
for you.” 

Inspired by Parker's memories of the 
Mormons he'd grown up around (“I al- 
ways just found them to be really fun- 
ny,” he says) and prompted by his and 
Stone's feeling that it'd be cool to do a 
movie about the porno industry, Orgaz- 
mo was in the works when the two heard 
about Boogie Nights. For a while, Parker 
was pleased by the idea that people 
would think they'd made an instant par- 
ody of that movie. But then South Park 
hit and October Films decided to hold 
Orgazmo for close to a year, waiting while 
its creators stars were on the rise. 

“It’s both good and bad,” says Parker 
of the delay. “I guess it'll have a chance 


to make more money now, but it's also 
kind of sad that it’s just going to be the 
movie the South Park guys did. Thats 
not what it was meant to be, which was 
just this dumb little thing you find. We 
thought we were making just another 
dumb little movie for ourselves." 

Baseketball, he says, may be similar- 
ly misconstrued. Initially, David Zucker 
had asked Parker to direct the movie— 
but South Park had just been picked up, 
so he turned Zucker down. "They were 
kind of bummed,” Parker says, "and 
then David decided he would direct it. 
But they still wanted our input and stuff. 
So they said, "Ном about you guys act in 
it?' And we're, like, "We're not really ac- 
tors,' you know?" 
ounded so easy,” says Stone. 
jays Parker. “So we're, like, all 
right, D t. And then South Park got 
big, and now it looks like they grabbed 
us because South Park was huge.” 

“I think they had to fight for us with 
Universal," adds Stonc. "And now they 
look like geniuses. Of course, they're go- 
ing to market this as the guys from South 
Park, which is kind of weird. But we've 
long since learned not to try to fight that 
shit, because they do it anyway." 

"It's unfortunate, though,” says Par- 
ker, “because this is David's movie. He 
wrote it, and he's directing it. But be- 
cause we're acting in it, people are going 
to say, ‘I want to go see those guys’ mov- 
ie; you know? And we have our movies: 
We like doing dumb, stupid, cheap-ass 
movies. That's our style. This isn’t our 
style. But on the other hand, it’s been 
awesome, because it’s, like, not really our 
style of comedy. It's almost like we're a 
rock band doing a country album, you 
know what 1 mean? And if 1 was in a 
band, I'd want to do a country album, 
just for the hell of it." 

You are in a band, I remind him. (It's 
called DVDA, an Orgazmo phrase mean- 
ing "double vaginal, double anal," and 
it performs songs like Fuck That Guy 
From Bush.) 

"Yeah, we are in a band," he concedes. 
"And we will do a country album." 


Can this relationship last? That's the 
question facing every successful team, 
and Parker and Stone have given the 
matter some thought. "History," says 
Parker, "pretty much dictates that we 
have to hate each other eventually. Be- 
cause in every scenario every band, or 
writing team—the Zucker brothers or 
whoever—hate each other after they get 
popular. I am so aware of that that I am 
going to do everything in my power to 
see that it doesn't happen." 

Already, the two have been pigeon- 
holed: Parker is the creative force, the 
guy driven to be in show business. Stone 
is the more business-minded pal who 
might not be here if not for Parker. 
Friends and co-workers say there's some 


truth to those labels, and Parker con- 
cedes it could become a problem. 

“You can see how things happen," 
Parker says, "because you get pissed off 
at the dumbest things. Like, "You didn't 
create that, that was me,’—you know, 
things that you would ncver have said 
two years ago. But I think we're great 
partners. Cannibal and Orgazmo, that was 
my shit, and Matt knows it. And then he 
can step up in a completely different way 
as a partner in South Park, where it's 
more collaborative.” Besides, adds Brian 
Graden, “Something that works between 
the two of them creates a kind of magic. 
I really believe that one plus one equals 
ten in this situation.” 

So we'll leave them together, back in 
the lobby of the St. Regis Hotel on the 
last night of the Comedy Arts Festival. 
Tonight's hot ticket was for a reunion of 
the members of Monty Python, another 
fabled team that eventually fell apart. 
Parker went there with a group of 
friends and watched Doug Herzog —the 
president of Comedy Central—try to 
arrange seats for them; after a few fruit- 
less minutes, he walked away. 

Now, some 90 minutes later, Parker 
stands in the St. Regis and shrugs. "We 
couldn't get tickets," he says. "We tried, 
but it was turning into a big hassle, so I 
just said fuck it. 

"This doesn't mean he missed the 
chance to meet with his idols. "We got to 
have beers with Terry Gilliam and Terry 
Jones this afternoon,” he says. “That was 
enough for me. They said they liked The 
Spint of Christmas, and they gave us their 
phone numbers in London. So we're go- 
ing to give them a call when we go over 
there in a couple of weeks.” He pauses. 
“I felt so stupid meeting people like that. 
I just hope they didn't think we're com- 
plete assholes.” 

He shakes his head slowly. "When I do 
something like that, or when I go back- 
stage at some concert, I still feel like, 
When the fuck did this happen? I was 
the guy in the fucking back row six 
months ago." 

But now he's the unkempt creative ge- 
nius, turning heads as he walks through 
the lobby to chill with Stone and a group 
of friends, family members and hangers- 
on. By midnight, the official postfesti- 
val party is in full swing downstairs in 
the hotel ballroom, with food and music 
and drinks and lots of important peo- 
ple complimenting one another. To get 
downstairs and into the party, you nced 
an official festival badge around your 
neck. Parker and Stone and their friends 
don't have badges and don't appear to 
want them; instead, they gather in the 
middle of the upstairs lobby, in front of a 
large fireplace and under an imposing. 
oil painting of the Rocky Mountains, and 
party the night away. They're 8000 feet 
high and rising fast. Life is sweet. 


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Rock's Book of Love 


(continued from page 116) 


when two become one. "—Spice Girls, “2 
Become 1” 


BRING YOUR SUPERSOAKER 
IN WORKING ORDER 
"The girls, they love to see you shoot.” 
—8Gang of Four, "I Love a Man ina 
Uniform" 
BETHE WALRUS 
"| want to fuck you like an animal /I want 
to feel you from the inside." —Nine Inch 
Nails, "Closer" 
DON'T GET PREEMPTED 


71 came already/l came already!/Stop. 
it!"—Neneh Cherry, "So Here | Come” 


Why Love Should 
Be Supervised 


IT'S A CHEAP THRILL 


“I'm jonesing on love, yeah, І got the 
DTs/You say that we will, but there ain't 
no guarantees. "—Aerosmith, “Falling in 
Love (Is Hard on the Knees)” 


IT'S WORSE THAN ROOFIES 


“Well, you tried it just for once, found it 
all right for kicks /Now you found out it's 
a habit that sticks /And you're an orgasm 
addict." —Buzzcocks, “Orgasm Addict" 


IT'S FROM COLONBIA 


"Love is the drug, and | need to score.” 
—Roxy Music, “Love Is the Drug” 


Women Want . . . 


A GUY FROM "DANTE'S PEAK" 


“Your kisses are as wicked as an F- 
16/You fuck like a volcano and you 
are everything to me."—Liz Phair, 
"Supernova" 


ACTION ON THE SIDE. 


"Now, you shouldn't even get into/Who 
I'm giving skins to/It's none of your busi- 
ness."—Salt-N-Pepa, “None of Your 
Business" 


SALIVA (AND LOTS OF IT) 


“Lick my legs /And I'm on fire /Lick my 
legs/And I'm desire."—P.J. Harvey, “Rid 
of Me" 


Listen Up, You 


YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME 
"I'm married / Buried. "—Nirvana, “All 
Apologies" 


YOU'LL MISS MY NIPPLE CLAMPS 


174 “Every time | scratch my nails down 


someone else's back/I hope you feel 
it."—Alanis Morissette, “You Oughta 
Know" 


YOU NEED A MAP 
“I need a lover that won't drive me 
crazy/Some girl that knows the meaning 
of ‘Hey, hit the highway." "—John Mellen- 
camp, "I Need a Lover" 


Dating Tips 


LEAVE YOUR HEART AT HOME 
“Тһе boy with the cold, hard cash is 
always Mr. Right. "—Madonna, “Materi- 
al Girl" 


WATCH OUT FOR SPLINTERS 
“Rulers make bad lovers.” Fleetwood. 
Mac, “Gold Dust Woman" 


JUST DO IT 
“I went to a shrink to analyze my 
dreams /She says it's lack of sex that's 
bringing me down."—Green Day, 
"Basket Case" 


THAT CLAUDE MONET GUY, ON THE 
OTHER HAND, GOT SLAPPED ON 
А REGULAR BASIS 

"Some people try to pick up girls and 
they get called an asshole/This never 
happened to Pablo Picasso /Не could 
walk down any street and girls could not. 
resist his stare /And so, Pablo Picasso 
was never called an asshole."—Modern 
Lovers, "Pablo Picasso" 


“RISKY BUSINESS” WAS JUST A MOVIE 
"You can't get romantic on a subway 
line /Conductor don't like it, says you're 
wasting your time."—Van Halen, "Every- 
body Wants Some!" 


SO YOU WANT TO DATE A HIPSTER GIRL? 


“All the girls in the music biz have credit 
cards, they subscribe to 'Ms.'/But they 
only want to fuck longhaired guys from 
England."—Too Much Joy, "Longhaired 
Guys From England" 


Mixed-Up Confusion 


STAY AWAY FROM K.D. LANG FANS 


“1 love it in your room all day/When 
you're gone I like to try on all your 
clothes. "—Bangles, “In Your Room" 


ALWAYS CHECK FOR AN ADAM'S APPLE 


"Girls will be boys and boys will be 
girls."—Kinks, “Lola” 


THAT SAYS IT 
“Looking for girls who are boys who like 
boys to be girls who do boys like they're 
girls who do girls like they're boys.” 
Blur, “Girls & Boys” 


YES! MARV ALBERT SCORES! 
{like the way the line runs up the back 
of those stockings. "—Van Halen, “Every- 
body Wants Some!" 


Walk That Wa: 


: Four 
Different Vi 


1ews 


"The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the 
pushin'"—Spinal Tap, “Big Bottom” 


''Fat-boitomed girls, you make the rockin 
world go round."—Queen, “Fat-Bottomed 
Girls" 

"I know I told you Га be true /But Tina 
got a big ole butt, so I’m leaving you."— 
LL Cool J, "Big Ole Butt" 


“Му anaconda don't want none/ Unless 
you got buns, hon."—Sir Mix-a-Lot, 
"Baby Got Back" 


Love’s Root Word 
Is Pain 


LIKE A SEVENTH-GRADE CRUSH 


"Baby, we ain't the first/I'm sure a lot of 
other lovers been burned."—Tom Petty & 
the Heartbreakers, "Refugee" 


KIND OF LIKE A VAMPIRE BAT 


“Love bites, love bleeds /It's bringing me 
to my knees." —Def Leppard, “Love Bites” 


WORSE THAN A SKINNED KNEE BUT 
BETTER THAN APPENDICITIS 
“Love hurts."— Nazareth, "Love Hurts" 


Love's Just a Word 


BE LIKE MIKE 


"Love is like oxygen: You get too much, 
you get too high / Not enough, you think 
you're going to die."— Sweet, "Love Is 
Like Oxygen" 


WEAR A KEVLAR JOCKSTRAP 


"Love is a battlefield. "—Pat Benatar, 
"Love Is a Battlefield" 


BUY A ROLEX 
"Love is clockworks and cold steel."— 
U2, "Love Is Blindness" 


ALSO, LOVE IS SOCKET WRENCHES, COR- 
DUROY PANTS AND PEPPERONI PIZZA 


"Love is the devil's crowbar."—X, "True 
Love—Part 1" 


The Final Word 


“Women, not girls, rule my world. "— 


Prince, "Kiss" 


CRAIG KILBORN conuat fom page 99) 


A friend of mine, Rebecca Lobo, plays for New York. 
When I play her one-on-one, I kick her ass. 


exercises for that, like lying on your back 
with the phone book on your chest, 
holding a cocktail. Two: dramatic paus- 
es. You have to have an effective delivery. 
"Three: soft features. Look at my face. 
Look beyond someone who didn't shave 
this morning. You want soft features, a 
delicate but strong nose and supple skin 
I don't believe in makeup—I go occa- 
sionally to a tanning salon, Four: big 
frame. You want to be a tall drink of wa- 
ter so your jacket and tie hang nicely. 
You want to be graceful, elegant and able 
to go to the hoop. Five: You should have 
blond bair. Obviously. 


us 


PLAYBOY: You've put out a story about de- 
vising the show's signature "Five Ques- 
tions" interview in a bar. Does the truth 
more accurately reflect the “Jumanji” 
episode? 

KILBORN: The real story is that after I es- 
caped from ESPN somebody invited me 
to the Bowery Bar in New York City. 
Across the room I saw a beautiful young 
lady, 56” with long brown hair. Her 


name was Jill. She says that when I asked 
her where she was from and she replied 
New York, I cringed. I could tell right 
away she was bright. I surround myself 
with brilliant people because I'm shal- 
low. I said, “Can I ask you five ques- 
tions?" She said, "Yeah," and she perked 
up. I asked, “What do you think of gar- 
lic?" She said, "I love it" And I love it. 
Then I asked, “Ever been to Carmel?” 1 
was missing Carmel. She answered yes 
and told me her grandmother used to 
live there. Then 1 asked, “What does 
peripatetic mean?" And she said, “What 
the hell kind of question is that?" There 
were really only three questions. We 
never got to four and five. We continued. 
talking for a while, and she would say, “If 
that's your fourth or fifth question, let 
me know." 


8. 


PLAYBOY: The NBA. Is something wrong? 
KILBORN: The NBA isn't as good as it 
used to be. In the Seventies, when the 
Knicks won their first championships. 
the crowds were chanting, “Defense!” 


There was real teamwork at Madison 
Square Garden. The prediction was that 
pro basketball was going to be the sport 
of the Seventies. That was a decade off. 
It was the sport of the Eighties. It went 
crazy. Dominique Wilkins was getting 
endorsements that top NFL players 
weren't getting. Basketball is intimate. 
You can see the players' faces. There are 
no helmets. You don't sell football cleats, 
but sneakers sell. Basketball was at its 
peak when you had Larry, Magic and 
Michael. Then the NBA got greedy. It 
added more teams. The level of play is 
down because of the expansion. The tal- 
ent is diluted. The players make outra- 
geous money, and the coaches don't 
have as much authority as they used to. 
An article in The New York Times said 60. 
percent to 70 percent of the league play- 
ers smoke weed. But I'll always watch 
basketball because I like the sport. 


g 


PLAYBOY: Women’s basketball is coming 
on strong. Should men be following the 
games, as in, “Honey, the Liberty was en 
fuego last night”? 

KILBORN: If you need to talk about the 
WNBA to connect with a woman, you're 
in trouble. I would hope that dinner and 
a movie still work. And you know what 
they say about the WNBA: Follow it be- 
cause you like the sport. I never 
watched women's basketball. Then a 


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PLAYBOY 


176 


friend of mine, Rebecca Lobo, who plays 
for the New York Liberty, gave me tick- 
ets. It was really entertaining. One of the 
reasons is that it's a purer form of bas- 
ketball. There's finesse in moving the 
ball. Га like to point out that when I play 
Rebecca one-on-one, I kick her ass. That 
bothers some people. But, as Rebecca 
says, they're not competing against men. 


10. 


PLAYBOY: You're the son of an insurance 
executive. Do you recommend whole- 
life insurance, or do you prefer to buy a 
term policy with cheaper premiums and 
invest the difference? 

KILBORN: I was having dinner with my 
producer, Madeleine Smithberg, and my 
father. She asked him the difference be- 
tween the two. I was busy eating rock 
shrimp tempura in spicy cream sauce 
while my dad explained it all. I listened 
for the first few seconds. It was tedious. I 
didn’t pay attention. Wait, was it rock 
shrimp tempura in a spicy cream sauce? 
I can't remember. Go with whole-life. 


PLAYBOY: Does your passion for garlic 
ever prevent you from getting close to 
a woman? 

KILBORN: If she's also eating garlic, then 
its a wonderful thing. I grew up in Min- 
ncsota and have fond memories of food. 
We ate a lot of chicken. We ate meatloaf, 
which was always dry. I'm not about to 
criticize my mom and her cooking. 1 
want to tell Mom that I love her. And 1 
want her to read that for the first time in 
PLAYBOY. We had chipped beef on toast. 
We had good dinners at Christmas- 
time—prime rib and Yorkshire pudding, 
When I got out of college and went to 
Los Angeles, 1 worked as a waiter in a 
tiny family-owned Italian restaurant. Af- 
ter your shift, they gave you a meal. If 
you work at McDonald's, as I did for a 
couple of months in high school, you just 
get half off on a Big Mac. At the Italian 
restaurant 1 fell in love with food: garlic, 
garlic bread, garlic alfredo sauce, pesto, 
Caesar salads with anchovies, cannoli 
Now I sometimes go toa restaurant and 


foveat 


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order only appetizers. That's when you 
know you've reached a special level. 


12. 


PLAYBOY: Defend white bread. Wonder 
and the other variety. 

KILBORN: I never really liked Wonder 
bread. I always eat wheat bread. And I'll 
cat sourdough. But I will defend white- 
bread. I'm 99 percent British, and I have 
a little Scottish in me. But I can dunk a 
basketball. I grew up listening to Barry 
White. The first album I owned was The 
Best of the Stylistics. My first concert was 
the Jackson 5 at the St. Paul Civic Cen- 
ter. The music is good and I was natural- 
ly drawn to it, maybe because 1 was a big 
basketball fan. My sports hero growing 
up was Julius Erving, the Doctor. He was 
graceful, he dunked, he flew. I took to 
basketball because I was tall, agile, quick 
and, dare I say, smooth. I put style way 
up there. And 1 like to dance. Anyone 
who has seen me dance knows 1 can 
move. P'm agile, coordinated and live. 
There's something special about some- 
one who's white-bread who can dunk 
and finger-roll and who has a little soul. 
My persona doesn't match my looks. 


13. 


rLAYbOy: How did you know it was time 
to put aside your hoop dreams and hang 
up the jockstrap? 

KILBORN: I realized I was a slow white 
boy and got tired of being embarrassed. 
And Pops was always reminding me that 
no matter how well I did in basketball, I 
would not play in thc NBA. I'd say, 
"Dad, I'm leading the high school team 
in scoring. Гуе got colleges calling me.” 
And he'd say, "Son, that's great. You're 
not going to go pro. Get an education." 
“But Dad, I just made all-state.” “Great. 
What did you get on your last English 
report?” And Im yelling, "Why can't 
I just enjoy it now? Come on, at least 
let me have fun here. I just scored 30 
points.” He'd say, “You're going to have 
to use your mouth somehow.” As my 
mom says, I was very verbal. 


14. 


PLAYBOY: You made the acting rounds in 
Hollywood but left after a short time. 
Didn't David Hasselhoff offer you a spot 
on Bayuatch? 

KILBORN: 1 did get a callback from David 
Hasselhoff, but that was a dark period I 
don't want to talk about. I didn't return 
the call. It can be really futile out there. 
You'd ask a fellow actor how it was go- 
ing. They'd answer, "I got a callback for 
a Bud commercial." That was their en- 
couraging news. Then they wouldn't get 
the commercial. After college, 1 went to 
Hollywood. I wanted to perform. I took 
a class at the Improv on Melrose and did 
well. The teacher encouraged me. 1 took 
a few theater classes. Comedy was a nat- 
ural thing for me. But I didn’t do stand- 
up. There were too many people doing 


it. 1 thought it would be difficult to stand 
out, even at a muscular six foot four. I 
wanted to somehow circumvent the Hol- 
lywood system, so 1 went to do sports- 
casting in Monterey. 


15. 


PLAYBOY: Keith Olbermann appeared on 
your show to promote his book and 
wound up being suspended by ESPN, 
his employer at the time, for violating 
company policy. Comedy Central sus- 
pended you last year for making off-air 
sexist remarks, for which you later apol- 
ogized. Then you were suspended for 
identifying yourself on the air as Keith 
Olbermann. How does a suspension dif- 
fer from a vacation? 

KILBORN: I try to combine the two. Keith 
laughed about his suspension. It got 
great publicity for The Daily Show, and 
for Keith himself. My approach to life is, 
we're here just a brief time. Let's turn 
that suspension into a vacation. And you 
want to know something? That was the 
best week of my life. 1 partied so hard. I 
did introduce myself as Keith on ESPN2. 
I was burned-out from doing five nights 
of shows at two А.М. 1 needed a break, 
so they “rewarded” me by putting me 
on the Deuce. I was doing wrap-ups 
and updates between college basketball 
games—and we had a handshake agree- 
ment that if I was going to appear on 
ESPN? it would be only on Bodyshaping 
or Kiana's Flex Appeal. I was being silly 
on the air. But Keith is way ahead of 
me on suspensions. He also led ESPN 
anchors in sick days. He's soft and he's 
a hypochondriac. Our goal is simulta- 
ncous suspensions. But Keith will want 
to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame, and 
ГЇЇ want to go somewhere warm, where 
I can play outdoor basketball and work 
on moving without the ball, which is a 
lost art. 


16. 


PLAYBOY: Minnesota: 10,000 lakes and 
cold winters. Tell us about the ice-fishing 
experience. 

KILBORN: This is from a ninc-year-old's 
perspective: "What do you mean, Dad? 
We can actually walk on a lake?" “Yes, it’s 
frozen, son. You'll be OK." “You sure I 
won't go in?" I thought Dad would actu- 
ally send me out to test the ice. But the 
cool thing was digging the hole. And we 
had this apparatus—it wasn't a fishing 
pole but two boards that hung on the ice, 
with a red flag pointing down. If a fish 
started pulling, the flag would go up. 
And we'd wait. But mostly Dad would 
drink his Hamm's, and my brother and I 
would have our hot cocoa. We didn't 
catch anything. We didn't catch anything 
in the summer, either. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: While working for ESPN, you 
lived high atop downtown Hartford in 
an LM. Pei-designed apartment build- 


ing. Did that sophisticated urban living 
transform the Minnesota-bred boy? 
KILBORN: Aesthetically, it was nice. On 
my days off, 1 don't like having to get in 
a car. I like to walk. I would walk to the 
Congress Rotisserie near the hockey are- 
na for a sandwich of Black Forest ham, 
Swiss cheese, red onions and pickled 
mustard relish. A bar with jazz opened 
right off the park when I moved to Hart- 
ford. Here in New York it’s great to just 
walk. There is a romance to having an 
apartment with a view. I say that now as 
I peer out at Central Park. Alas, my next 
move will be to a prewar building that. 
will not have a view. The prewar build- 
ing is going to have hardwood floors 
and high ceilings. All the Mission-style 
furniture that I've carefully purchased 
will look much better there. I'll give up. 
the view, but ГЇЇ have warmth and a rus- 
tic feel. 


18. 


кїлүвоү: If it all goes south tomorrow, 
are you prepared to work as a small- 
market television anchor or as a game- 
show host? 

KILBORN: I’m going to go one step fur- 
ther. I would coach high school basket- 
ball, because I love the game. 1 would 
teach the chest pass, get back on defense, 
and I would have a say in who makes the 
cheerleading squad. 


19. 


PLAYBOY: Janeane Garofalo has confessed 
to having sexual dreams about you, and 
she’s even appeared on The Daily Show 
without having a movie to promote. Do 
you and Janeane have a thing going de- 
spite the difference in height? 

KILBORN: Do you know how tall Janeane 
is? Five feet, one and a half inches. I 
would understand if she had a dream 
about Gary Coleman. Janeane just talks 
and talks. I don't understand or want to 
hear any more about the sex dreams. 
She gets in the greenroom and is graph- 
ic with me on exactly what happens in 
them. And I always tell her, “Janeane, 
I'm not that flexible.” 


20. 


praynoy: Do you view The Daily Show as a 
stepping-stone? 

KILBORN: I’m going to do this for only a 
few years. Once I hit 40 I'm retiring to 
Pebble Beach. I like the idea of golf, but 
I'm such a bad golfer. However, 1 did 
birdie a hole at Pebble Beach. I shot a 95 
and birdied number seven, the par three 
near the water. The famous hole is 17, 
and that's also a par three. That's where 
Tom Watson chipped from the fringe to 
beat Jack Nicklaus. Unfortunately I 
won't be able to afford anything at Peb- 
ble Beach or Carmel. I'd probably have 
to work at the Carmel post office. That 
would be fine too. 


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little Blue Miracle (continued from page 125) 


One doctor predicts a large increase, as much as ten- 
fold, in the number of men who seek therapy. 


help. One explanation for their reti- 
cence is embarrassment, but a more 
telling reason is that available treatments 
were, before Viagra, notably short on 
charm. These include a vacuum device 
that draws blood into the penis to make 
it hard, and surgical implants that stiffen 
it artificially, Until recently, state-of-the- 
art therapy meant self-injections—di- 
rectly into the penis—of one or more 
chemicals to relax arteries and open the 
floodgates of blood. Injections work 
about 75 percent of the time, but they're 
not fun. 

“What men really wanted for impo- 
tence was a pill,” says Dr. Drogo Mon- 
tague, who is director of the Cleveland 
Clinic Foundation’s Center for Sexual 
Function. 

Enter Viagra. Just four years ago, it 
was an experimental heart drug that 
failed to do much for heart disease. “But 
researchers in England reported im- 
proved erections in men who were tak- 
ing it,” recalls Dr. William Steers, chair- 
man of urology at the University of 
Virginia. After consulting with Dr. Steers 
and other impotence researchers, Pfi- 
zer shifted gears and began clinical wi- 
als. The company enrolled more than 
4500 men who hadn't had an erection 
in years. 

The results were exciting. Erections 
returned for 81 to 89 percent of men 
whose impotence was psychological and 
for 60 to 70 percent of those with physi- 
cal problems. 

Equally important, the drug seems 
safe. “There have been no serious drug- 
related adverse events," says Dr. Harin 
Padma-Nathan, director of the Male 
Clinic in Santa Monica. Five to 15 per- 
cent of men who take the pill suffer 
headaches, stomach upset or muscle 
aches, but for almost all, the pleasures 
outweigh the pains. While only two per- 
cent of study participants stopped using 
Viagra because of side effects, many oth- 
ers petitioned Pfizer for "compassionate 
extensions" of their clinical trials to keep. 
their resurrected sex lives going. 

Viagra users and their partners appre- 
ciate the ease of the treatment. Instead 
of interrupting sex with a device or an 
injection, the men take a pill 30 minutes 
to an hour beforehand. “They get a nat- 
ural erection, not an artificially hard one 
like the kind produced by an implant," 
Dr. Padma-Nathan says. 

Viagra works at a critical point in the. 
complex erection process, when the sex- 
ually turned-on brain sends a nerve sig- 
nal to the genitals. This signal causes the. 


178 release of a cascade of chemicals, first ni- 


tric oxide, then a messenger molecule, 
cyclic GMP, that opens the arteries that 
serve the penis. As cyclic GMP is broken 
down by an enzyme, type V phosphodi- 
esterase, the arteries close, the blood 
withdraws and the erection wilts. 

While the pill has already made some. 
men very happy, it won't work for every- 
one. Viagra amplifies nerve impulses 
that instruct the penis to rise, but it can't 
produce an erection when the nerve 
paths have been destroyed—the case af- 
ter some spinal injuries, as well as for 25 
to 40 percent of men who become impo- 
tent after prostate surgery. Nor can it 
jump-start the process when libido is 
lacking. "Low desire is a real cause of 
sexual problems in our society," says Dr. 
Montague. "Viagra won't create desire." 
Without sexual stimulation, the drug ap- 
parently does nothing. 

“Viagra isn't an aphrodisiac,” says 
Padma-Nathan. “It’s a revolutionary 
medical treatment, not a sexual revolu- 
tion." Although the drug can restore 
near-normal sexual function to most 
men who have been impotent, research- 
ers have seen no indication that it en- 
hances a healthy man's sexual prowess. 
“Viagra will open opportunities for a lot 
of men who were just managing with 
partial or occasional erections," says Dr. 
Arthur Burnett, director of the Male 
Consultation Clinic at Johns Hopkins 
University. “It could give them a terrif- 
ic boost." Padma-Nathan predicts that 
there will be a large increase, perhaps as 
much as tenfold, in the number of men 
who seek therapy. 

Yet untapped is the huge potential de- 
mand from women. "Viagra doesn't dis- 
criminate between the sexes," says Dr. 
Irwin Goldstein, professor of urology at 
Boston University School of Medicine. 
The same bloodflow-boosting biochemi- 
cal—the ones that are enhanced by the 
drug—are major players in female geni- 
tal tissue too, he observes. "I've had a lot 
of calls, a lot of e-mails from women 
about Viagra. They're interested and 
motivated." Studies of the pill in women 
are just beginning, but in Dr. Goldstein's 
clinical experience with a small number 
of patients, it has been extremely effec- 
tive in restoring vaginal lubrication—a 
key index of arousal. 

With an easy-to-use pill at hand, many 
men (with or without true impotence) 
are bound to bypass specialists and seek 
prescriptions from their internists or 
family doctors. Nothing wrong with that, 
says Montague, who chaired the Ameri- 
can Urological Association's Treatment 
Guidelines Panel for Erectile Dysfunc- 


tion. In fact, the association is planning 
an educational campaign to inform pri- 
mary-care doctors about a condition 
they may not have treated much before. 

Others worry, though, that the pill so- 
lution could have a dangerous down- 
side. Waning erections are often a warn- 
ing sign of serious disease, which will be 
missed if a quick prescription takes the 
place of a thorough workup. “About five 
times a year, I diagnose diabetes in a pa- 
tient who came in for impotence,” says 
Steers. “About twice a year, I find a brain 
tumor.” Impotence could signal low tes- 
tosterone levels, which can lead to osteo- 
porosis or heart disease. 

When impotence has a psychological 
cause, Viagra could prove to be a mixed 
blessing: It would relieve the most obvi- 
ous symptom while underlying prob- 
lems—anxiety, depression, stress—con- 
tinue to fester. Leslie Schover, a 
psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic 
Foundation's Center for Sexual Func- 
tion, is concerned that an impotence pill 
could feed the American male obsession 
with sex as performance. “A lot of men. 
think they can fix everything in a rela- 
tionship with better erections—that they 
are the way you satisfy a woman and 
make her happy. For most women, 
they're not that high a priority.” 

While the Viagra story has so far been 
positive, researchers caution that experi- 
ence with the pill is limited and point out 
that it’s not unusual for problems with a 
new drug to surface only after wide and 
prolonged use. 

"The number of men who have used 
Viagra, 4500, is a drop in the bucket 
considering that millions may eventually 
take the drug," says Steers. "We won't re- 
ally know the side effects and effective- 
ness until a lot more men have been 
treated." 

Unique as it is right now, Viagra may 
soon be joined by other pills for impo- 
tence, as the field that some call sexual 
pharmacology grows. Phentolamine, 
which opens blood vessels, may be ap- 
proved by the end of the year. Sublin- 
gual apomorphine, which acts on the 
brain center that initiates erections, has 
been effective in 70 percent of men with 
psychogenic impotence and could be- 
come available in 1999. 

“We may be able to combine drugs, as 
we do in chemotherapy, for a better re- 
sult than we'd achieve with any one 
alone,” says Steers. In fact, studies with 
animals suggest that apomorphine and 
Viagra can boost each other's therapeu- 
tic powers. 

By the millennium there may be some- 
thing better yet—a preventive drug to 
stop impotence before it starts, says Pad- 
ma-Nathan. Right now, with its potential 
impact on women, Viagra itself could 
well become a revolutionary sex drug. 


WHO'S THE FAIREST? B 


When author Steve Sullivan set out. 
to write Glamour Girls of the Century: 
The 1000 Greatest Beauties and Bomb- 
shells of the Ages, he knew it would be 
“an audacious undertaking." After 
all, how do you compare such icons 
as Betty Grable and Brigitte Bar- 
dot, or Raquel Welch and Princess Di- 
ana? But Sullivan 
persevered. Solic- 
iting votes from 
more than 1200 

experts and fans, 
he culled a final 
lineup that in- 
cludes—no sur- 
prise here— 
168 Playmates. 
Of the first 
five, three— 

Marilyn Mon- 

roe (1), Jayne 

Mansfield (3) 

and Bettie 
Page (5)—have ap- 

peared on PraYBOY's Centerfold, 
while 27 other Playmates made Sulli- 
van's top 100. An interesting footrace: 
Miss December 1968 Cynthia Myers 
(whom Sullivan deems "the most as- 
tonishing Playmate in PLAYBOY histo- 
ry") is ranked number 12, one ahead 
of Cindy Crawford (who is not a Play- 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS — JULY 
July 7: Miss June 1974 Sandy Johnson 


July 14: Miss November 1954 Diane 
Hunter 


July 17: Miss February 1964 Naney Jo 
Hooper 

July 22: Miss June 1987 Sandy Greenberg 

July 29: Miss August 1994 Maria Checa 


mate but appeared nude in the mag- 
azine). And for those keeping track of 
PLAYBOY's blonde goddesses of the 
Nineties, Pamela Anderson Lee ranks 
16, Anna Nicole Smith pulls in at 19 
and Jenny McCarthy holds her own 
at a respectable 62. 

For more information about the book, 
contact Sullivan at stevesul@acl.com. 


What do Miss November 1992 Steph- 
anie Adams, Miss August 1993 Jen- 
nifer Lavoie and Miss January 1998 
Heather Kozar have in common? 
They were all discovered by PLAYBOY 
scoutand producer Debbee May, who 


PLAYMATE SNEWS 


Debbee in octian an the set with Victoria Zdrok. 


holds casting calls for models and 
Playmate prospects in Manhattan as 
often as once a month. Debbee's keen 
eye for PLAYBOY quality should come 
as no surprise: She debuted on these 
pages as one of our Babes of Broadway 
back in October 1984. (She went by 
the name Debbee Hinchcliffe.) After 
that, Deb went the movie route, land- 
ing gigs that include playing De 
Niro's date in Goodfellas and Ellen 
Barkin's body double in Sea of Love. 
She soon opened her own talent 
agency, where she specialized in seek- 
ing out—and cultivating—PLAYBOY 
talent. When she sent us photos of 
her clientele, we knew we had to have 
her in our camp. Nowadays, Debbee 
is most at home behind the still cam- 
era, producing photo shoots for 
PLAYROY's newsstand specials, such as 
the Wet es Wild and Lingerie issues. 


22 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


From cover to cover it was a 
star-spangled issue, with satire 
by Art Buchwald, an 
excerpt from Ron Ko- 
vic's Born on the Fourth 
of July and a valentine 
to the hot dog. So 
who better to grace 
the July 1976 bicen- 
tennial Centerfold 
than Deborah Bork- 
man, a part-Swed- 
ish, part-Japanese, 
first-generation 
American born in 
Virginia? Our fa- 
vorite twist: As 
a kid, Deborah 
loved climbing 
the old neigh- 
borhood cherry 
tree. “I would All-American girl 
sit up there in 
the summer and look at the sky,” 
she told us at the time. "That's 
where I found peace of mind.” 


What's her favorite part of the pro- 
cess? “Shopping for the models’ 
clothing," she says, “whether it’s lin- 
gerie or bathing suits. Even on a tight. 
budget, I can't stop myself from buy- 
ing the best stuff.” It shows, Deb. 


_ NEW KID ON THE BLOCK 


When the editors af the new Playboy Narway photographed their first Ploy- 
mate of the Manth olop a glacier, they wondered how they would follow up 
such o stunt for Centerfold number two. The answer: by jetting Ploymate 
Beatrice Peterson ta PLAYBOY's Chicaga headquarters, to be shot by veteran 
photographer Richard Fegley. "We wonted ta shaw the sense af community 
amang the worldwide editions af PLAYBOY,” says Nils 
Bjornzes, editor of Playboy Norway. "Going ta the 
place where PLAYBOY wos 
born did just that.” Beatrice 
hails fram the town of Tens- 
berg, Norway—abaut 100 
miles south of Oslo—where, 
“like most Norwegian wam- 
en, girls don't like ta stond 
out.” Clearly an exception 
lo the rule, Beatrice enjoyed 
her whirlwind Windy City 
jount. "But," she soys, "I 
didn’t get ta do a lat af 
sight-seeing. Being pho- 
lagraphed for PLAYBOY is 
по! a vocotian—it's hard 
work. Then ogoin, everyone 
made me feel sa reloxed. | 
instantly felt like port of the 
Playboy family.” 


179 


"The name that instantly 
comes to mind is Christa 
Speck—or, I should say, the re- 
doubtable Christa Speck. If you 
want to know why, just look at 
her pictures. Simply unforget- 
table. She became a Playmate 
in September 1961, just after I 
worked for Steve Allen in Los 
Angeles but before I went to 
New York to work for Garry 
Moore. After that time, I got to 
know most of the Playmates so- 
cially, so 1 wouldn't deign to 
pick a favorite. I 
don't need any of. 
them mad at me, 
thank you." 

Christa Speck was 
ultimately selected 
as Playmate of the 
Year in 1962. 


Dear Playmate New: 

I am an airborne paratrooper sta- 
tioned in Italy and currently de- 
ployed in Bosnia. Today I received in 
the mail the March 1995 issue of 
PLAYBOY from a friend. When I 
turned to the Centerfold, my heart 
stopped at the sight of Stacy Sanches. 
She is a stunning woman from head 
to toe, but it is her eyes that forced me 
to catch my breath—I could lose my- 
self staring into them. Stacy undoubt- 
edly knows how beautiful she is, but I 


Hail to the Chiefesses 
How many Playmates share surnarnes with 
U.S. presidents? Eighteen: Adams (2), Arthur 
(1), Carter (2), Cleveland (1), Harrison (1), 
Jackson (2), Johnson (3), Monroe (1), Taylor 
(3), Tyler (1)—and the October 1967 Play- 
mate was Reagan Wilson. 


PLAY! 


would truly appreciate it if you would 
let her know just how I feel.—Breath- 
less in Bosnia 


Dear Rachel 
Jeán Marteen: 

Asa sailor in the 
Navy, I spend lots 
of time at sea. I try 
to keep beautiful 
women like you in 
my heart while I 
am there. It just dl 
seems to help. I F 
can't tell you how Fechel león Moreen 
much I miss seeing you in PLAYBOY. 
I even e-mailed PLAYBOY and asked 
them to produce a new video of you. 
Do you think they might? I have 750 
shipmates who would probably sign a 
petition backing up my request.—A 
fan in the Pacific 
PATTI REYNOLDS: 
^1 love the Nineties Playmates. I'm 
friends with a lat of them. But with 
all due respect, we girls af the Six- 
ties were really the girls next door.” 


Since her appearance 
as Miss July 1997, 
21-year-old Daphnee 


Lynn Duplaix has 
- quickly moved up 
> the modeling lad- 


der—yes, that was 

her in the Tommy 

Hilfiger commer- 
cial on Super Bowl Sunday. We di- 

aled up Daphne in Los Angeles for 

some informal sex chat. 

Q: Describe your perfect mate in 

the terms of a personal ad 

A: "Looking for a tall, dark, hand- 

some bald man with a great per- 

sonality, a sense of humor and 

beautiful eyes." 

Q: Bald? 

A: Yep. But he has to be shaved 

bald—on purpose—just like my 

boyfriend. 

Q: Let's move to the lower anato- 

my. Does size matter? 

A: No. Like they say, it’s the mo- 

tion ofthe ocean. 

Q: What music gets you hot? 

A: Maxwell. He's like Prince, only 

jazzy and smooth. And his words 

are really sexy. 

Q: What's the secret to seducing 

Daphnee Duplaix? 

A: Talking sexy without being vul- 

gar, giving massages—I'm a sucker 

for massages—and being willing to 

cook and clean the house once in a 

while. Is that too much to ask? 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 
the forthcoming feature film Five 
Aces. Her scene takes place in a 
with Charlie Sheen. . . . 
Marliece Andrada and 
Traci Bingham recent- 
J ly visited the New York 
— they met its chairman 
and president and were taken 
hand the trading of Playboy 
stock. No jokes 
ures and mar- 
kets going bust, 
1995 PMOY 
Julie Lynn 
stars on the 
erotic-mys- 
ROM Blue 
Heat (Orion Inter- 
police search for a serial killer 
who's targeting the city's sexiest 
Danelle Folta dropped in on pa- 
tients and staff at the Brooklyn 
in New York, where they made 
the rounds and signed auto- 
pearances took place at vet hos- 
pitals in Chicago, Los Angeles 


Barbara Moore has a cameo in 
bar, where she has a tête-à-tête 
her Baywatch cohort 
($^. Stock Exchange, where 
onto the floor to witness first- 
about round fig- 
thank you.... | 
Cialini co- 
tery CD- 
active), in which the Los Angeles 
models. . . . Victoria Zdrok and 
Veterans Affairs Medical Center 
graphs. Similar Playmate ap- 
"CN 


Zdrok, Folia ond a groleful veteran, 


and Atlanta, as part of the 32- 
year-old Operation Playmate 
project. . . . Alice Denham has 
completed a memoir, Shabby Gen- 
teel, about her childhood in the 
South. Alice's previous books 
clude the novels My Darling From 
the Lions and Amo, the latter 
about a feminist Centerfold from 
outer space. Only in America. 


PLAYBOY 
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dole or send о check or money order to Playboy, PO. 
Box 809, Dept. 80232, Itasca, Illinois 60143-0809. 
54.00 shipping-ond-hondling charge per total order. 
Illinois residents include 6.75% soles tox. 


‘Canadian orders accepted (no other foreign orders). 


Visit the Playboy Store at www.playbey.com/catalog er: 


Also available at, RECORD TOWN => 
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Ili and other video and music stores 


The world’s most popular gin  . er 


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PILAY BOY 


ON: THE 


SCENE 


BOARDING PARTY 


ummer's hottest adrenaline fix is wakeboarding, a water- 
skiing spin-off that brings the daredevil elements of snow- 
boarding, surfing and skateboarding to the lake. Riders are 
strapped to fiberglass boards and launched at speeds up to 
20 mph off wakes created by specially designed wakeboard tow- 
boats. The best board jockeys can soar ten to 15 feet skyward to 


execute spins and flips with names such as the “hoochie glide” and 
the “crow mobe 540." Meanwhile, water-skiers are enjoying their 
own wet rush thanks to new wider skis with 30 percent to 100 per- 
cent more surface area than a standard slalom ski. Midwidth mod- 
els such as the one pictured below are easy to launch and are 
not so tiring to ride because they produce less drag in the water. 


“The lighter the board, the bigger the air." That's the motto of wakeboard manufacturers, who use aerospace materials such as low-density 
foam and honeycomb aluminum to keep their water toys sleek and fast. Wakeboards, clockwise from top left: Liquid Force's Superfly 36 ($430) 
with Vert bindings ($280). Hyperlite's 137 Fluid Shaun Murray Signature ($350) and Moon Boot bindings ($270). Blindside's Charley Patterson 
Pro 142cm ($350) and Air Cell Pro bindings ($220). At bottom left: Connelly's Super Mid water ski and Double Power Wrap bindings ($500). 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 150. 


GRAPEVINE 


O'KEEFE danced 


in Playboy pro- 
ductions in Reno 


and Lake Tahoe. 
Now you can 
catch her kick- 
ing up her heels 
at Harrah's Reno 
in Lipstick. Kiss- 
esto her. 


A Wail of a Tale 
JON SPENCER went down when the blues hit him and 

his band, the Blues Explosion. But that was just a bit of irreverence. A 

i follow-up to Now Г Got Worry will be out in September. Get ready. 


The Sweeter 
the Berry 
HALLE BERRY starred 
in Oprah Winfrey's 
miniseries The Wed- 
ding and can now be 
seen in the Warren 
Beatty comedy Bul- 
worth. For us, she has 
glamour to spare in 
rhinestones. 


Beached Babe 

Hawaii surfer and model SUNMOON PERREAULT is checking the 
sand for shells. You can say aloha to her in bikini calendars or catch 
her in the film Danger in Paradise. 


The Way He 
Wears His Hats 


JAY KAY, front man for the Grammy-win- 
ning band Jamiroquai, believes in vibra- 
tions. The vibe from the band's q / Fine 
lease, Traveling Without Moving, 


contagious: The album went platinum. Actress and 


celebrity fitness 
trainer JENNIFER 
GOODWIN has 
been a Baywatch 
babe, a Dream- 
works calendar 
model and 
pumped up in 
fitness maga- 
zines world- 
wide. 


All the Way to Banks 


Supermodel TYRA BANKS is dressed to thrill —and 
it worked on us. Banks says, “Black women have al- 

ways been vixens. Why can't we just be the sexy 

American girl next door?" Amen to that, Tyra. 


AVENGING ANGELS 


Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman will soon 
stride onto the big screen as John Steed and 
Emma Peel, but to diehard fans in 120 coun- 
tries, Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg will al- 
ways be The Avengers. Indiana University Press 
has republished a British Film Institute soficov- 
er history of the Sixties” TV series, including 
thumbnail sketches of the best episodes, the 
lowdown on why the series was so popular and, 
of course, photos galore. (Yes, Honor Black- 
man and Linda Thorson are in the book, too.) 
Price: $20. Call 800-842-6796 to order. 


EXTREME FUN IN THE SUN 


A day at the beach no longer means lazing in 
the sand, thanks to Rave Sports of St. Paul, 
Minnesota, maker of extraordinary water toys. 
Rave's top-seller is the Aqua Jump (shown 
here), an inflatable floating trampoline that 
celebrities such as Dan Aykroyd and Sinbad 
recently purchased. The floating tramp comes 
in three diameters: 10 feet ($1295), 15 feet 
(82995) and 20 feet ($3995). It can be tied to a 
dock, anchored in the water or towed behind a 
boat. To order, call 800-659-0790. 


POTPOURRI 


PAPERBACK LOVE FOR SALE 


“Everyone can be a lover between the covers” is how Personal 
Passions describes Emerald Seduction. With this paperback book, 
you choose your romantic partner. Provide the company with de- 
tails, such as names and physical descriptions of you and your 
lover, a favorite restaurant, etc., and you will receive a romance 
novel—starring you—thar's more funny than naughty. The Web 
site www.personalpassions.com has all the info, or call 888-668- 
3505. Price: $60. (The price is lower if you order through the Web.) 


CHARMS AT 10,000 FEET 


Terry Gilliam, one of the Monty Python gang before Gilliam di- 
rected Brazil, The Fisher King and 12 Monkeys, among other films, 
is a first-rate artist. (In the Sixties he was a cartoonist and a con- 
temporary of Robert Crumb.) Babes in Cloudland, according to 
Gilliam, “is a great dream with clouds and girls with big tits. The 
landscape is probably a bit of Wales.” John Cleese called Cloud- 
land “better than anything Michelangelo ever did.” To order an 
18^x24" signed, limited-edition lithograph, send a check for $305 
to 137 Inc., 1286 Route 71 East, Ottawa, IL 61350. 


PLAY BALL—ONCE 


There are about 150 living baseball play- 
ers who made it to the big leagues but, 
for whatever reason, played only one 
game. For Once Around the Bases: Bitter- 
sweet Memories of Only One Game in the Ma- 
jors ($24.95 from Triumph Books), Rich- 
ard Tellis interviewed 40 of these players, 
including Boston Red Sox pitcher Harley 
Hisner, who struck out Mickey Mantle in 
1951, and World War Two hero Bert 
Shepard, the only major-league pitcher 
with an artificial leg. Call 800-335-5323. 


LINES TO THE PAST 


For more than 60 years, the Frank Chris- 
tian studio has amassed the largest collec- 
tion of historic golf prints in the world 
Now you can buy 11”x 14" photographs 
(processed from original negatives) of 
such golf greats as Ben Hogan and 
Arnold Palmer (pictured here). The price 
per print is $145 unmounted in a portfo- 
lio, or $235 framed. Call Sports Art Di- 
rect at 800-417-7625 to order or for more 
info on shots of other golfers. 


A WATERY GROOVE 


The name Beken of Cowes is 
synonymous with superb marine 
still photography. From the 
reign of Queen Victoria to the 
latest Whitebread round-the- 
world race, the Beken family has 
been snapping memorable im- 
ages of the world’s finest sailing 
ships and private yachts. Sailing 
Thoroughbreds (Harvill Press) is а 
208-page homage to beautiful 
boats photographed in some of 
the world’s most lush and exotic 
locales. The handsome images 
are divided into three cate- 
gories: Spirit of Tradition, Cruis- 
er-Racers and Grand-Prix Elite. 
‘The price: $70 in bookstores. 


Sailing BEKEN OF COWES 
Thoroughbreds 


pr 


GO, SPEED RACER, GO 


Fecl the need for speed? Get your fix with Top Eliminator, a drag- 
racing simulator that takes drivers from zero to 70 miles per hour 
in just under four seconds. Drivers race down a 190-foot straight- 
away in scale model, 350-horscpower dragsters while controlling 
the brake, gas and shifter. Adrenaline junkies will find Top Elimi- 
nator at Malibu Speedzone in Dallas, Atlanta and Los Angeles; at 
Lagoon in Salt Lake City; and at Kentucky Kingdom in Louisville. 


BLOCEBUSTER SHADES 


Besides a hefty dose of testos- 
terone, The Blues Brothers, Risky 
Business, Top Gun and Men in 
Black have something in com- 
mon: Ray-Ban sunglasses are 
worn by each movie’s main char- 
acters. (Will Smith wore the 
Ray-Ban Predator 2 in Men in 
Black and Tom Cruise sported 
the Ray-Ban Aviator in Top Gun.) 
If you already have the dark suit 
and fedora, all you need to com- 
plete your look is a pair of Ray- 
Ban Wayfarers ($95, pictured 
here), worn by Dan Aykroyd 
and John Belushi in the 1980 
film and by Aykroyd and John 
Goodman in Blues Brothers 2000. 
Call 800-4-RAYBAN or visit its 
Web site at www.rayban.com. 


NEXT MONTH 


FRENCHIE FICTION 


ICELAND GIRLS 


DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN—THE SAUCY VJ FROM CLUB 
MTV AND GOSSIP SHOW HOSTESS HAS A FUNKY BRITISH 
ACCENT AND A BODY TO DIE FOR. HERE'S THE URBAN 
GODDESS IN A SASSY PICTORIAL 


SUMMER NIGHT'S BUZZ—DRIVE-INS, THRILL RIDES, BEER 
GARDENS, BEACHES, HOT TRYSTING SPOTS—WE HAVE 
ROUNDED UP THE NATION'S WARM-WEATHER NEWS. ALL. 
YOU HAVE TO DO IS BRING A DATE 


MATT DRUDGE—THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST WHO SCOOPED 
NEWSWEEK AND BROKE THE MONICA LEWINSKY STORY 
HAS BECOME THE MOST TALKED-ABOUT PRESENCE IN CY- 
BERSPACE. READ DRUDGE'S REPORT ON MONICA AND 
BILL, FELLATIO AND THE ROLE OF THE INTERNET IN JOUR- 
NALISM IN A PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF 


DR. DREW—HE'S THE VOICE OF REASON ON MTV'S LOVE 
LINE, SO WE SENT THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR TO LOOSEN 
HIM UP. FIND OUT DREW'S SURPRISING VIEWS ON ORAL 
SEX, VENEREAL DISEASE AND FORN STARS IN A LIVELY 20 
QUESTIONS BY CHIP ROWE 


PERRY FARRELL—AFTER LOLLAPALOOZA, JANE'S ADDIC- 
TION AND PORNO FOR PYROS, ROCK SHAMAN PERRY FAR- 
RELL IS PREPARING FOR THE MILLENNIUM. DEAN KUIPERS 


ре m 


DOWNTOWN JULIE 


FINDS OUT ABOUT FARRELL'S NEXT GIG: A PERFORMANCE 
AT THE JERUSALEM JUBILEE 


BARRY SCHECK—ONE OF THE LAWYERS WHO DEFENDED 
0.2. SIMPSON AND LOUISE WOODWARD TALKS ABOUT 
DAMAGED PEOPLE, THE FIRE THAT TORE HIS FAMILY APART 
AND DOING GOD'S WORK—BY PAUL SCHWARTZMAN 


WOMEN OF ICELAND —T'S CHILLY YEAR-ROUND ON THIS. 
MID-ATLANTIC ISLAND. BUT WE'VE FOUND A CUDDLY CROP 
OF ARCTIC HEARTBREAKERS WHO KEEP THINGS HEATED 
UP. IT'S THIS SUMMER'S COOLEST PICTORIAL 


MARGARITAVILLE—THERE'S NO SUMMER COCKTAIL LIKE. 
A MARGARITA. GRAB THE SALT WHILE JOHN RAME DE- 
CONSTRUCTS THE RECIPE FOR THE WORLD'S BEST TEQUI- 
LA DRINK! 


FRENCHIE—THERE WAS A TIME SOLLY WAS A PLAYER. 
WILL A CUTE FRENCH BROAD HELP HIM GAIN BACK THAT 
TITLE? FICTION BY PAT JORDAN 


PLUS: THE DEBUT OF DAVE'S GARAGE; WYCLEF JEAN 
SHOWS US SOME STYLE; PINT-SIZE STEREOS FOR YOUR 
DORM OR OFFICE: PLAYMATE ANGELA LITTLE; AND THE 
ULTIMATE BEACH GUIDE FROM SURFER KELLY SLATER 


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