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Melrose Mom 


Proud, Pregnant 
And Beautiful 


NFL FORECAST, 
FASHION, CARS 
AND A GREAT 
(SHORT) WORKOUT 


THE SMARTEST 
WOMAN IN PORN 


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300955 


"SENATOR DANIEL 
PATRICK MOYNIHAN 


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PLAYBILL 


SENATOR Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-N.Y.) is a rarity: an honest 
man who delights in defending the political process. He's not 
afraid to tinker with the third rail of politics formerly known 
as Social Security. This month he's the subject of a backroom 
Playboy Interview by Richard Meryman. Moynihan's civics lessons 
cover India ys. Pakistan, Starr vs. Clinton, welfare reform vs. 
welfare repeal, and, oh yeah—he calls Nixon a liberal. 

Political bombshells and Melrose momshells. We have an ex- 
plosive issue here. Cover model Lisa Rinna is so hot she's glow- 
ing. The Melrose Place star, married to Harry Hamlin, is beau- 
tiful, pregnant and nude in a swell shoot by Alberto Tolot. It's 
the mother of all pictorials. 

Say you finish a Pro Bowl career in style, marry a widely ad- 
mired actor and make a smooth transition to TV. You play 
some tennis, a bit of golf. You're Ahmad Rashad and your best 
friend is Michael Jordan, In The Sweet Life of Ahmad Rashad by 
Craig Vetter, Rashad is almost, well, sympathetic. 

Last year the Associated Press honored Rick Gosselin with a 
Texas Sports Story of the Year award. Before he joined The 
Dallas Morning News, Gosselin wrote about football in New 
York and Kansas City and “Icarned to cover losers.” Now he's 
picking winners in Playboy's Pro Football Forecast. In our bulked- 
up fitness section, trainer to the stars Greg Isaacs paces you 
through The Perfect Workout in 90 Minutes a Week. Follow the il- 
lustrations by A.J. Garces and you may even shed some tailgate 
weight. We've got a new look and name in cinema, too. This 
month critic Leonard Maltin takes over for Bruce Williamson, who 
for 26 years reviewed movies here. Thank you, Bruce, for an 
extraordinary quarter century—and welcome, Mr. Maltin. 

When it comes to movies, slasher flicks slay the competition. 
The undead genre sprang to life again thanks to the lovingly 
psychotic screenplays of Kevin Williamson—he of the Scream se- 
ries and the forthcoming Halloween: Н 50. In an eerie 20 Ques- 
tions with Robert Crane, Williamson chooses breasts over char- 
acter, skin over clothing and sex over everything else—even 
death. Keeping with the cool-hunters and trend turks, we stay 
rakish and sly in Swing's the Thing by Bob Sloan and artist Steven 
Guernaccia. Whether you're a dead pigeon or an abercrombie, 
we'll keep you in the know, daddy-o. 

Meanwhile, out in the desert, an annual neohippie gather- 
ing rages. It's called the Burning Man Festival. In the tribal 
short story Burning Man by Edward Falco (with artwork by Phil 
Hele), a sexually repressed divorcé discovers, to his disgust, 
why his rock-star brother is called Splay. Speaking of flare. 
porn star Nina Hartley has fans who say her ass is the best in the 
business. There's no question that she has the best brain. As- 
sociate Editor Chip Rowe recently spent time with Nina. The re- 
sult, Nina Hariley Is the Smartest Woman in Porn, is a salacious 
and smart Q. and A. that covers everything from on-set eti 
quette to circumcision. To round out our celebration of cur- 
vaceous icons, Cartoon Editor Michelle Urry welcomes back 
Little Annie Fanny. In the strip made famous by Harvey Kurtz- 
man and Will Elder, political cartoonist Bill Schorr and artist 
Ray Lago send Annie undercover in Tabloid Journalism. 

It's time to leaf through our autumn preview. In Playboy's 
Fall and Winter Fashion Forecast, Fashion Director Hollis Wayne 
decodes the season's new looks. Then Jonathan Takiff takes the 
clearest look to date at the tube of the future in HDTV: The 
Bottom Line. More electric currents run through Andy Ihnatico's 
bold geek manifesto, The Single Guy's Guide to Technology. Read 
it and you'll become a defragmenting, hard-driving cyber- 
slave to speed. We let horseback-riding Playmate Vanessa Glea- 
son leap the final hurdle. One look and you'll spit the bit 


S 
MERYMAN 


GOSSELIN MALTIN 


GUARNACCIA 


SCHORR, URRY, LAGO 


ROWE WAYNE, IHNATKO 


Playboy (155 


North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage ра 


dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. 


32-1478), September 1998, volume 45, number 9. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 


Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail drc@ny-playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 


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PLAYBOY 


vol. 45, по. 9—september 1998 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL әре ЕСІН AS 5 
DEAR PLAYBOY................ 11 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15 
MUSIC 2 E а VIRES REOR SUM DUIS 17 
MOVIES ЛЫ е HUM 2... «LEONARD MALTIN 24 
VIDEO 29 
WIRED .. 30 
BOOKS 2 
MEN 3 --ASABABER 33 
MANTRACK . ut 35 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR................. dace 1% 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . 22 41 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DANIEL PATRICK MOYNIHAN—candid conversation ..... 51 
BURNING MAN—fiction............ VY ...EDWARDFALCO 66 
OUR CHAT СІРІ —рісіогіаЇ..................... ER vn, 34) 
SWING'S THE THING—ortidle........... BOB SLOAN and STEVEN GUARNACCIA 76 
THE SWEET LIFE OF AHMAD RASHAD—playboy profile...........CRAIGVETTER 82 
THE SINGLE GUY'S GUIDE TO TECHNOLOGY .... eos. ANDY IHNATKO ва 
THE NEW SHELBY—cars » сауд КЕМ GROSS 90 
THE PERFECT WORKOUT IN 90 MINUTES A WEEK—fitness ..... PETER SIKOWITZ 92 
TO THE MOON, VANESSA—playboy’s ploymate of the month TE = 94 
PARTY JOKES—humor ....... С 17 (12 
PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST sporis Е .... RICK GOSSELIN 108 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—cartoon .......... RAY LAGO опа BILL SCHORR 111 
HDTV: THE BOTTOM LINE—electronics eese JONATHAN ТАКІР 114 Hot September 
NINA HARTLEY IS THE SMARTEST WOMAN IN PORN—article ..CHIPROWE 116 
PLAYBOY'S FALL AND WINTER FASHION FORECAST HOLLIS WAYNE 120 
GOT A HUNCH? BET IT WISELY—money 222220... CHRISTOPHER BYRON 127 
MELROSE MOM—pictorial Vi eerie eae 22277 128 
20 QUESTIONS: KEVIN WILLIAMSON уа. BE ERIK 138 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY.............. КОЛТО ГА 
PLAYMATE NEWS 175 
PLAYBOY ON THE 5СЕМЕ. ............................ da > e 119 Hot Nina 
COVER STORY 


Oh, baby! Scorching-red-hot actress Lisa Rinno—of Melrose Ploce—proves 
thot maternity can be magnificent. In foct, motherhood never looked so good. 
This month’s cover wos shot by Alberto Tolot; styling wos done by Xovier Co- 
brero, with hair by Serena Radoelli and makeup by Beth Katz, all for Cloutier. 
Our Rabbit has nothing up his sleeve; it’s sole to soy he's already in the fold 


DEPINOIENTE DE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN, MÉXICO. RESERVA DE TÍTULO EN TRÁMITE Б В кі 


PRINTED IN U.SA. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH М. HEFNER 
editor-in-chi 


“Mr. Jenkins suggests that this issue X 
ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 


| B u GARY COLE photography director 
start reading Playboy for the articles. нф 


executive editors 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


would be an excellent time to 


EDITORIAL 

FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior slaff wriler; CHIP ROWE 
associate editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID 
STEVENS editor; BETH TONKIW associate editor; 
DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER. 
CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior edifors; BAR- 
BARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUNDGREN 
junior editor; CAROL ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDEL- 
SON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, CAROL KUBALEK. KATIE 
NORRIS, HARRIET PEASE, LARA WEBB, JOYCE WIE- 
GAND-BAVAS editorial assistants; FASHION: HOI- 
LAS WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN 
assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; 
LEE BRAUER, GEORGE НОРАК, LISA ROBBINS тет 
searchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANA- 
HEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN 
MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; JOE CANE assislanl; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, CHRIS- 
TOPHER BYRON, JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN. 
LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS. CYNTHIA HEINE 
WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGEN- 
STERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
Eng. 


CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior directors; SCOTT 
ANDERSON asst. art director; ANN SEIDL supervisor, 
keyline/pasteup; РАШ. CHAN senior art assistant; 
JASON SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON 
managing editor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN SULL- 
VAN senior editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY 
REAUDET FRANCES, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICH- 
ARD ІЛ, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO 
POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contribuling phologra- 
phers; GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chica- 
go; вил. WHITE studio manager—los angeles; 
SHELLEE WELLS stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU Photo 
archivist 


š 
i 
i 
H 
š 
š 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS direcior; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers; 
BARB TEKIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU fypesetters; BILL 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWEIZ communications director 


ШШЕ 


224; English 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS. national sales manager; JEFF 
KimMet, sales development manager; JOE HOFFER 
midwest ad sales manager; IRV KORNDLAU markel- 
ing director; TERRI CARROLL. research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


Look for the Mr. Jenkins Interview on Page 27. ADMINISTRATIVE 


MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


b E PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
Do drink responsibly, won't you? CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


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Label and Band © Playboy 1998. PLAYBOY, RABBIT HEAD DESIGN, HMH and HUGH M. HEFNER are 


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trademarks of Playboy Enterprises, Inc. and used with permission. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


580 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL OEARPE@PLAYEOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


BEACHIE KEEN 

Several years ago, I was an extra in a 
Baywatch episode. I was instructed to 
hug the female lifeguard who had saved 
my life. Sadly, after several takes, the di- 
rector yelled, “Cut, that's a print.” At the 
time I was 83 years old, but after all the 
hugging and kissing, I felt like а 
man again. Thanks for the 
Babes of Baywatch, June) with the beauti- 
ful lifeguards. 


Ormond Hirsch 
Burbank, California 


It's ironic that in the same week the 
Babes of Baywatch issue appeared on 
newsstands, five of the lovely lifeguards 
featured on your June cover received 
pink slips. I think they should all become 
producers of the David Hasselhoff Can 
Kiss My Ass workout video. 

Paul Varga 
San Francisco, California 


The Babes of Baywatch issue will forever 
be one of my favorites. I keep it at my of- 
fice, and when I need a respite from 
running my company, it’s here to pro- 
vide a pleasant distraction. 

Dan Turner, President 
Senior Executive Coach, Inc, 
Louisville, Kentucky 


The highway system in Los Angeles 
does not have as many curves as the 
beautiful Rhonda Rydell. She deserves a 
pictorial all her own. 

Bryan Birchfield 
Birmingham, Alabama 


GROOVY, MAN 
I thoroughly enjoyed Playboy's History 
of the Sexual Revolution, Pari VII (1960- 
1969): Make Love Not War by James R. 
Petersen (June). I also took note of The 
Times They Are A-Changin': Tunes From the 
Sixties and think it would make a fabu- 
lous CD. 
Kenneth Stringer, USN 


Petersen's celebration of the Sixties 
promotes the most dismal decade of the 
20th century. The irresponsibility and 
licentiousness of the Sixties marked 
the beginning of the end for this great 
nation. 

Dawn Esse 
Elmira, New York 


You missed a couple of things in your 
Sixties Time Capsule. Under the heading 
“Medium Cool,” you forgot Star Trek; un- 
der “Slang Me,” you didn’t include the 
classics “far out” and “out of sight.” 

Pontifex Majipoor 
Sacramento, California 


I think about the Sixties every day. 
Terrible and wonderful things hap- 
pened and I experienced all of them. Pe- 
tersen captures the decade's exhilara- 
tion and outrage and І thank him for it. 

Donna Howard 
Syracuse, New York 


HAVANA GOOD TIME 
Viva Cuba and down with the block- 
ade. Centerfold Maria Luisa Gil (Cuba 
Libre!, June) is the best Гуе seen in my 
30-plus years as a subscriber. 
J-W- MacMahon 
Atlanta, Georgia 


1 found Maria Luisa Gil's comparison 
of Cuba and the U.S. puzzling. She has 
happily left Cuba's poverty for the land 
of opportunity. Is she oblivious to the 
fact that the conditions she describes in 
Cuba are a direct result of the U.S. em- 
bargo? Perhaps the lovely Maria could 
persuade Jesse Helms to stay out of her 
country's business 

Amy Biven 
New York, New York 


NOT SO MAD ABOUT PAUL 

1 liked Paul Reiser (Playboy Interview, 
June) until I was subjected to yet anoth- 
er whiny celebrity monclog about a lack 
of privacy. If being a celebrity causes 


0 Xoquojeui Wy 


he fa poonpud 


Boro бараки 


“pos SUngje шош 2 1A0 


«DOM |291,9 „ШЕ $, „Usnd,, 


syy ysews ayy Bunea; 


NOA 11 әи09шо$ 10 jasınoy 


PLAYBOY 


Reiser so much pain, perhaps he'd rath- 
er return to anonymity. 

Cathy Scannell 

Wall Township, New Jersey 


TSK, DISC 
After reading Beth Tomkiw's Shag's 
Tracks (June), I am curious about who 
the article was intended to benefit—your 
readers or Sony. Tomkiw points out that 
the minidisc player will replace the cas- 
sette player because it is smaller and 
lighter and you can use it to play your fa- 
vorite music mix from a digital source. 
While it is mentioned that the MD play- 
er can cost as little as $250 and blank 
discs are $7 each, you'll need an MD re- 
corder ($400 minimum) unless you want 
to record from a digital CD to a digital 
MD through analog cable. You will al- 
so need to purchase an optical cable 
($60) and a new CD player ($200 and 
up) with an optical jack. So after spend- 
ing $917, you're ready to replace your 
cassette player with a better product 
Gee, thanks, Sony. 
Gary Brine 
Gloucester, Massachusetts 


A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE 
Thank you for Chip Rowe's Twenty- 
Five Things Guys Do Right in Bed (May). 
Now I'm hoping you'll publish an in- 
depth piece on what men really want 
from women. 
Julie LeMaster 
Dayton, Ohio 


SANDSTORM 
Morgan Strong's 20 Questions (June) 

reaffirms my long-held belief that Yasir 
Arafat, far from being a notorious out- 
law, will ultimately be regarded as one of 
this century's greatest statesmen. 

Al Cohn 

Martincz, California 


Your interview reminds me of the time 
Arafat addressed the United Nations 
with a gun at his side. You portray him 
as a peace-loving family man, when in 
reality he's a terrorist responsible for the 
murders of Olympic athletes and count- 
less other men, women and children. 
Recently, it has become his daily ritual 
when addressing his fellow Arabs to call 
for the destruction of Israel. And he’s 
worthy of an interview? 

Leonard Wacholder 
Brooklyn, New York 


JUST AN AVERAGE JOE 

Not once in my ten years as a sub- 
scriber have 1 seen a model in а What 
Sort of Man Reads Playboy? ad look like 
anyone I know who reads pıaysoy. The 
page exudes glitz and glamour but ney- 
er features a middle-class dude repre- 
sentative of PLAYBOY's readership. We're 
the guys who aren't so chiseled as the 
men in your ads. We're the guys who 


12 sometimes get into a bar fight on a Fri- 


day night, yet tear up when our kids call 
us Daddy. And we're the fellas who go 
out of our way to score brownie points 
with our wives or girlfriends when our 
subscriptions need renewing. Im writ- 
ing to ask that we be counted as the 
everyday Joes who love your pictures 
and your articles. 

Paul Andrew Cook 

Trooper, Pennsylvania 


SHE’S SO FLY 

As a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, 1 
believe it was courageous of Navy Lieu- 
tenant Frederica Spilman (Fly Girl, June) 
to pose for PLAYBOY while on active duty. 


With dwindling benefits and all the bad 
publicity the Navy and other branches of 
the service have been receiving, reten- 
tion and recruitment are approaching 
all-time lows. If the Navy were to use 
Spilman's photos on its recruiting post- 
ers, I'd consider doing another 20 years. 

Mike Gillis 

Long Beach, Mississippi 


Spilman has used thousands of tax 
dollars to train as а naval aviator, and 
her thanks is to insult the dignity of all 
nayal officers with a blatant sexual dis- 
play in млувоу. Spilman has become a 
liability to the reputation of all the quali- 
fied women who would like to be dedi- 
cated naval officers. 

George Irish 
Vero Beach, Florida 


I wish Frederica Spilman hadn't posed 
in partial uniform. The military uniform 
isn't a costume or a piece of lingerie. It's 
associated with American history and na- 
tional pride and should never be de- 
graded in this manner. 

Brett Kirby 
Arlington, Texas 


I've read many articles in your maga- 
zine about military personnel defending 


their right to purchase PLAYBOY at their 
local PX. They march off to war with it in 
their packs, and they hang the Center- 
folds in their lockers (some even carry 
them as symbols of what they're fighting 
for). You'd think the Navy would be 
proud of Lieutenant Spilman. 

D. Brown 

Las Vegas, Nevada 


One look at your Fly Girl pictorial and 
I say, “Go Navy.” 
Tim Kramar 
formerly of USS Coral Sea 
Punta Gorda, Florida 


CAR WRECK 
Nobody above the Mason-Dixon line 

cares about Nascar (Nascar Rules, June). 

Watching a bunch of rednecks drive 500 

miles in a circle is not impressive or en- 

tertaining, and it’s certainly not a sport. 
Tim Hackman 
Shippensburg, Pennsylvania 


LATIN LOVERS 
Mario Vargas Llosa's delightful tale of 

spousal trust and mistrust (The Notebooks 
of Don Rigoberto, June) is an eye-opener. 
Having read translations of many of his 
best-sellers, I was surprised to discov- 
er another side of Vargas Llosa's liter- 
ary style. 

Ted Erskine 

Shaker Heights, Ohio 


Га like to commend PLAYBOY for se- 
lecting fiction from the great Latin 
American author Mario Vargas Llosa. 

Mike Catzalco 
Fresno, California 


BOWL ME OVER 

Over the years, I have followed your 
entertaining pursuit of items displaying 
Rabbit Head logos. 1 own an Anasazi 
pottery bowl that is several hundred 
years old with what appears to be the 
Playboy Rabbit Head wearing his bow 
tie. I guess this bowl is proof that yours is 
the oldest corporate logo in the history 
of the world. 


Larry Grigory 
Carrollton, Texas 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


SOUTH PORK 


It’s a good bet that South Park creators 
Trey Parker and Matt Stone made their 
new film Orgazmo—a satirical look at the 
porn business—just so they could do the 
research. The edgy enthusiasts got so 
deep into the industry they even lent a 
creative hand on the sets of videos shot 
by surf-porn purveyor Xplor Media. 
They assisted the director of Here Comes 
Elska (complete with cameos) and sug- 
gested gags for the forthcoming flick Sex, 
for Life, Too. Farrell Timlake, who runs 
Xplor, says their best work went into 
practical jokes. “We were shooting at 
Charlie Wessler's house,” says Timlake, 
“and he invited his friends Carrie Fisher, 
Richard Dreyfuss, Buck Henry and Tim- 
othy Hutton over for a surprise. | 
swapped identities with Trey. He was 
walking around in vinyl pants and sun- 
glasses, saying, ‘People, people, I need 
more ass-licking shots, goddamn it!’ 
When I had to go to the bathroom I 
handed Carrie the camera. She said, 
"What should I do?" So I told her, ‘It’s 
easy. Just get close-ups.” We'll get the 
towels. 


TONGUE TWISTERS, 


The slang compendium How lo Talk 
American (Mariner) by Jim “the Mad 
Monk" Crotty has a section on Bill Clin- 
ton’s impact on the language. Crotty 
cites several varieties of a Clinton, which 
is “a complete policy reversal similar to 
waffling but far smoother.” A half Clin- 
ton isa "simple reversal," a full Clinton is 
a "reversal with feeling" and a double 
Clinton is a "reversal followed by a de- 
nial of the reversal." 


HUNTING FOR CELEBRITY DIRT 

You'll find clean and clever designs at 
the Museum of Dirt, a refreshingly sim- 
ple Web site at www.planet.com /dirtweb/ 
dirt.huml. Click on the name of someone 
famous and your screen presents the im- 
age of a specimen bottle filled with a 
unique sort of dirt, Ted Turner con- 
tributed his own sample, as did Robert 
Redford, John Waters and Ted Williams, 
among others. The most interesting slice 


of lifestyle comes from Martha Stewart's 
iy—it's a collection of gravel and 
twigs. Martha, of course, doesn't toler- 
ate dirt. 


FORSAKEN BY ELIS 


Attending Beijing University in China 
and standing up to the tanks of commu- 
nist dictators doesn’t count for much in 
some circles. When it was thought that 
released dissident Wang Dan might ap- 
ply as a transfer student to Yale, the Yale 
Daily News ran the following quote from 
director of undergraduate admissions 
Margit Dahl: “It’s unlikely he would be 
able to present academic credentials 
from his university in China. Just be- 
cause he’s a visible refugee, that’s not 
what gets you into Yale.” 


SHEIK CHIC 


As anyone who has watched PBS’ An- 
tiques Roadshow knows, everything is col- 
lectible. In 1979 rLayBoy ran a two-page 
display of a collection of tin condom con- 
tainers, anticipating that someday they 
would be hot items. That day is now— 
sins tins have come into their own. Syn- 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


dicated collectibles columnist Anita Gold 
says one man reportedly paid $850 for a 
tin of Three Pirates condoms marked 
“for medical purposes.” Collectors now 
even have a condom container guide. 
Schiffer's new full-color book Remember 
Your Rubbers!, by С.К. Elliott, George 
Goehring and Dennis O'Brien, includes 
many valuable tips on prices and avail- 
ability. Brands are listed alphabetical- 
ly, from Ace High to X-Cello. Most im- 
portant, the guide’s modest price ranges 
will keep new collectors from losing too 
much seed money. 


PUTTING THE CAMP BACK 
IN CAMPAIGN 


As we gird ourselves for another elec- 
tion season, along comes a candidate 
who treats the electoral process with the 
dignity it deserves. Joe Louis Hoffman's 
unsuccessful campaign for a seat on the 
Mendocino County Board of Supervi- 
sors included a series of ads in the Ander- 
son Valley Advertiser, with a new slogan 
each week. To wit: “Joe Louis Hoffman— 
he knows what you want to hear and he's 
not afraid to say it.” “Joe Louis Hoff- 
man—good enough for government 
work." “Joe Louis Hofiman—uses time 
wisely, plays well with others.” “Joe Louis 
Hoffman—smart enough to do the job, 
dumb enough to want it.” Hoffman also 
captured the frustrations of politicians 
amid an indifferent population: “Joe 
Louis Hoffman—if you're not using that 
vote, can I have it?” 


OFFSHORE DRILLING 


‘Travelers who use the Chunnel be- 
tween England and France have found 
a way to kill time during the three- 
plus-hour train ride. Couples have been 
cramming into the tight bathroom com- 
partments to have sex. The only unfor- 
tunate part of this is that the experience 
has been dubbed the mile low club: 


VERSE ENGINE 


Haiku, a Japanese form of poetry, has 
found new life on the Internet. There 
are Web sites with haiku on all sorts of 
subjects, including The Usual Suspects, 


RAW DATA 


QUOTE 

“The character 
was gay every single 
week.” —ABC PRESI- 
DENT ROBERT IGER 
EXPLAINING WHY THE 
NETWORK CANCELED 
Ellen 


SIZE COUNTS. 
Weight of the U.S. 
federal budget for 
1998: 10 pounds, 13 
ounces. Weight of 
the 1999 budget: 11 

pounds, 3 ounces. 


AIR VACUUM 
Number of radio 
stations in the U.S.: 
12,000. Number of 
stations that current- 
ly broadcast on the 
Internet: 600. 


‘OUR BODIES, OUR SELVES 
According to a BBC documentary, 
gallons of spittle drooled by a child 
during her first year of life: 38. Dur- 
ing her lifetime, number of miles of 
hair she will grow: 590. Pounds of 
dead skin she vill shed: 42. 


SPLITTING HERRS 
Number of rules regarding the use 
of the comma in German: 52. Num- 
ber of rules regarding the use of the 
comma under reforms recently debat- 
ed before the German high court: 9. 


DUCK! 

Number of times the Pentagon's 
$15 billion THAAD missile defense sys- 
tem has failed in-flight testing: 5. 
Number of times it has succeeded; 0. 


DADDY DATA 

Number of single fathers in Ameri- 
ca with custody of their children in 
1970: 393,000. Today: 1.9 million. 
Current number of single mothers: 
9.9 million. Annual percentage rate 
of increase of single dads: 10. 


WHO'S MINDING THE STORE? 
The value of merchandise that was 
shoplifted from retailers in 1996: 
$9 billion. Value of merchandise 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


stolen from retailers 
by their own employ- 
ees: $10.6 billion. 


MERCY MERCY 
According to a re- 
cent survey, per- 
Y centage of U.S. 


terminally Ш pa- 
tients and say they 
have administered at 
least one lethal injec- 
tion: 5. Percentage of 
doctors working with 
¿ terminally ill patients 
í who say they have 
written a lethal pre- 
scription: 3. 


A man's testicles produce 
72 million sperm a day— 
enough in three months to 
populate the entire world. 


THE SKIN CROWD 

Number of Ameri- 
cans who underwent 
cosmetic surgery or 
procedures last year: 2.1 million. 
Number of chemical peels: 481,000. 
Collagen injections: 347,000. Lipo- 
suction treatments: 177,000. 


SEMI CONSCIOUS 
Percentage of long-distance truck 
drivers who say they fell asleep while 
driving last year: 25. 


BIG BALLS 

Percentage of bowlers who view 
themselves as romantic: 43. Percent- 
age of Americans who feel romantic: 
35. Percentage of bowlers who view 
themselves as adventurous: 48. Per- 
centage of Americans who feel ad- 
venturous: 41. Percentage of bowlers 
who see themselves as attractive: 38. 
Percentage of Americans who feel at- 
tractive: 28. 


HUNG OUT TO DRY 
In a survey by Durex condoms, 
percentage of men satisfied with the 
size of their penises: 73. Percentage of 
women satisfied with the size of their 
partners’ penises: 58. 


NOT QUITE READY FOR PRIME TIME 
Percentage of Chinese households 
that have televisions: 89. Percentage 
that have hot running water: 2. 
— PAUL ENGLEMAN 


Beverly Hills 90210, Spam and the Spice 
Girls. Salon posted the results of its call 
for “Haiku error messages,” poetic re- 
placements for those bewildering notices 
that appear on-screen just before your 
computer shuts down (e.g., “This pro- 
gram has performed an illegal func- 
tion"). Our favorite is by Simon Firth: 
“First snow, then silence./This thou- 


sand-dollar screen dies/so beautifully." 


PEACE PIPE? HAVE A CIGAR 


‘The cigar craze in Israel is losing heat. 
According to the Associated Press, Prime 
Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was 
forced to stop handing out $30 cigars to 
diplomats and visitors after a newspa- 
per revealed the practice cost his office 
$3000 a month. An interesting snippet: 
When he became prime minister, Ne- 
tanyahu had to kick his Cuban cigar- 
smoking habit. He switched to a brand 
from the Dominican Republic so as not 
to offend U.S. officials. 


AUSTRALIAN FOR SURGERY 


According to the National Organiza- 
tion of Circumcision Information Re- 
source Centers, a 34-year-old Australian 
man was awarded $9750 after his friend 
(accidentally?) circumcised him with a 


broken beer bottle. 
E-MOON 


Forget about emoticons. These days 
clever e-mail correspondents enhance 
their messages with “asscons.” A list of 
them is making the chain e-mail rounds. 
C!) is a regular ass. (_!__) is a fat ass. (!) 
is a tight ass. (_._) is a flat ass. (_^_) isa 
bubble ass. (_*_) is a sore а. ( 0 ) is an 
ass that's been around. ( x ) means kiss 
my ass. ( E mé ) isa smartass. ($) 
stands for money coming out of his ass. 
And ( ?_) isa dumbass. 


SZECHUAN SCHWING 


Foreign translations of movie titles are 
always good for a laugh. Of the recent 
crop of names mangled in Cantonese (4s 
Good As It Gets was changed to Mr. Cat 
Poop), Boogie Nights fared the best. It was 
translated, writes the Sunday Times of 
London, as Instant Fame, which in Hong 
Kong jargon means big dick. 


MAKE YOUR VOTE COUNT 


What is the most hopeful campaign 
sticker regarding the next presidential 
election? THURMOND-HELMS 2000-DONT 
WASTE 200 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE, 


THE APOTHEOSIS OF WHAM-O 


In celebration of the 40th anniversary 
of the Frisbee, we salute a fan of the fly- 
ing disk at the University of Queensland. 
He's the guy who defined a religion 
called Frisbeetarianism. Its central doc- 
trine: When you die, your soul flies onto 
the roof—and stays there. 


Your gift with any 44.00 LAGERFELD fragrance purchase. 


Lagerfeld. A rare blend of rich wood notes and subtle spices. 
Now, experience the power of Lagerfeld, 
richly defined in the perfect gift: a stylish, designer travel bag. 


Open to experience 


the clossic scent of 


LAGERFELD. P Macy’s 


ROCK 


THE SMASHING PUMPKINS latest effort, 
Adore (Virgin), finds them competing 
with Radiohead to become alternative 
music’s answer to Pink Floyd. Head 
Pumpkin Billy Corgan has always been 
adept at blending his punk and Seven- 
ties progressive-rock roots. He weav 
dense textures with his fuzzed-up, blissed- 
out guitar leads. But it’s his grandiose 
orchestrations and graceful melodies 
that help the Pumpkins fill stadiums. 
Adore's art-rock pretensions are based 
more on subtle electronica and drum 
loops than on distorted guitars. Acoustic 
guitars and pianos dominate the mix on 
To Sheila and The Tale of Dusty and Pistol 
Pete. Unfortunately, the more stripped- 
down approach means the songs high- 
light Corgan's weak, nasal vocals. By fo- 
cusing on voice and drum loops, the 
Pumpkins sound more like Queen on 
Prozac than a punk Pink Floyd. 

Walking Into Clorksdale (Atlantic) is 
billed as just a Jimmy Page and Robert 
Plant project. But there's no way fans 
won't hear it as the first Led Zeppelin 
studio album in almost 20 years. And 
they'll be half right. Gone is the blustery 
blues rock of old. Instead, Page and 
Plant serve up a more subtle, atmo- 
spheric mix of the Celtic and Middle 
Eastern tonalities first explored on Kash- 
mir (minus the monster guitar riffs and 
thundering drums). Producer Steve Al- 
bini's raw style doesn't inhibit Plant, 
who sounds exactly like he did two de- 
cades ago. But guitarist Page goes for an 
undistorted minimalist approach that 
emphasizes texture rather than crunch. 
His guitar work chimes, shimmers and 
even twangs, but never bludgeons. If 
anything, he’s too damn laid-back. 
When he finally rips off a solo on the ti- 
tle cut, you're left hungry for more. In 
the end, Page and Plant's musical dream- 
scapes aren't so compelling or exciting 
as those of classic Zep, but they do pull 
you in — VIC GARBARINI 


Tn a just society, Soul Asylum's nine al- 
bums and 15-year carcer would be ven- 
erated. Butthe world we live in is trendy, 
not fair, so Condy From e Stranger (Colum- 
bia) is likely to be lost. A double shame: 
Candy gives guitarist Dan Murphy the 
advantage of producer Chris Kimsey's 
classic-rock production skills. It also fea- 
tures vocalist Dave Pirner's wittiest in- 
sights on the perils of celebrity and the 
band's most fervent declarations that it 
isn't surrendering to them. —DAVE MARSH 


After 17 years, the veteran alternative 
band Sonic Youth seems forbidding to 
some, familiar to others. But its eleventh 
album, A Thousand Leaves (DGC 
complacent. And it does rock at times. 


Adore the Smashing Pumpkins. 


The Pumpkins get arty, Corey 
Glover gets soulful and Billy 
Bragg and Wilco sing Woody. 


“I've been with lots of boys and they ve 
screwed me up," declares Sarge's Eliza- 
beth Elmore on the opening track of The 
Gloss Intact (Mud, c/o Parasol, 905 South 
Lynn Street, Urbana, IL 61801). Then 
she lays out a few of her screwed-up ex- 
periences. Guys might learn something 
from these rocking, well-crafted tunes. 

— ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


R&B 


Living Colour was a four-piece African 
American rock band that emerged from 
New York's club scene in the late Eight- 
ies to enjoy platinum albums, make an 
MTV anthem (Cult of Personality) and 
open for the Rolling Stones. Living Col- 
our's gifted guitarist was Vernon Reid 
and its soul was Corey Glover, who pro- 
vided a black, dreadlocked take on the 
lead-singer role. When the band split 
up, a void was left that the less-abrasive 
Lenny Kravitz filled. Now, with lots of 
young black rockers in the marketplace, 
it’s heartening to see Glover recording 
again. Hymns (LaFace) combines Living 
Colour’s edge with gospel and soul. The 
bracing sexual celebration Do You First, 
Then Do Myself and the rock ballads April 
Rain and One would fit on any Living 
Colour collection. But much of Hymns, 
largely produced by the Family Stand, 
has the warm feel of a smart R&B album. 
Little Girl and Hot-Buttered Soul are both 
carefully arranged, well-written and pas- 
sionately performed compositions that 


š late-night radio. 


echo Al Green. Things Are Getting in the 
Way is similar and expertly underscored 
by a horn section. Hymns lets Glover 
show tenderness that was only hinted at 
with Living Colour. 

Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis have 
spent much of the past ten years work- 
ing successfully with Janet Jackson. Now 
the Minneapolis-based duo has found a 
new vocalist in Angel Grant, whose de- 
but, Album (Flyte Tyme/Universal), has 
the same soft, sensual atmosphere of 
much of their work with Jackson. Grant 
doesn't have great vocal range, but her 
material is arranged to frame her teas- 
ing, breathy voice on Kisses, Lil’ Red Boat 

nd other songs that fit comfortably on 
—NELSON GEORGE 


COUNTRY 


Some singers have great voices, and 
some have great character. But it’s un- 
usual that you find both wrapped up in 
one set of vocal cords. On Down at the Sky- 
Vue Drive-In (Watermelon), Don Walser 
proves again that he's rare. At 63, Walser 
has spent over half a century listening to 
country music with very sharp ears. And. 
he's spent almost half a century play- 
ing it in Texas honky-tonks. So Walser 
knows the emotions he is projecting. His 
is a voice with the perspective of age and 
wisdom. Although he specializes in re- 
viving the Top 40 country hits of his 
youth, he brings an enthusiasm and will- 
ingness to experiment that makes every- 
thing sound new again. I recommend 
Rose Marie, on which he is backed not by 
his country swing band but by the Kro- 
nos Quartet. The melody is gorgeous, 
the counterpoint between Walser and 
the strings astonishing and the lyrics 
straightforward. Walser is the antidote 
for alienation, irony and commercialism. 

—CHARLES M. YOUNG 


FOLK 


On Mermaid Avenve (Elektra) Billy 
Bragg and Wilco make the best music of 
their careers. It's boisterous, pensive, 
funny, angry, joyous, sad, horny, adoring 
and political. They do this with a sharp 
advantage: All the lyrics are by Woody 
Guthrie, but none has ever been sung 
before. Guthrie, the most legendary of 
all American folkies, had to stop writing 
when he was about 40 because of a neu- 
rological disease that eventually killed 
him. He left behind about 1000 song 
lyrics, but only he knew the tunes. Last 
year, the Guthrie family allowed Bragg 
5 Jeff Tweedy to sift through 
lyrics and set the best of what they 
found to music. The result is the best 
folk-rock album since Bob Dylan's Blood 


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FAST TRACKS 


OCKMETER 


Christgau | Garbarini 
Billy Bragg 
Mermaid Avenue 9 8 y 9 9 
Corey Glover 
H) 7 5 8 7 8 
8 8 9 6 8 

Smashing 

Pumpkins 
Adare 7 7 8 4 6 
Don Walser 
Down at the Sky-Vue 

Drive-In. 6 7 6 6 9 


TUB-THUMPING DEPARTMENT: Chumba- 
wamba's Danbert Nobacon enlivened 
the Brit avards (England's Grammys) 
by dumping a bucket of water over 
the head of Deputy Prime Minister 
John Prescott. Guess Nobacon doesn't 
like conventional politics. 

REELING AND ROCKING: R.E.M.'s Michael 
Stipe is co-producing the indie feature 
film Spring Forward, starring Ned Beat- 
ty, Campbell Scott, Lili Taylor and Liev 
Schreiber. . . . Snoop Doggy Dogg is up 
for a starring role as a ghost in 
Bones. . . . The director of U2's Rattle 
and Hum is making a movie about a 
man directing a U2 movie. Phil Joanou 
has cast Bono in Entropy, with Stephen 
Dorff as the director. . . . Bette Midler, 
who will play Jacqueline Susann in a 
film bio, is also developing Show Busi- 
ness Kills, written by Beaches author tris 
Rainer Dort. 

NEWSBREAKS: Donna Summer will star 
in a musical based on her life. Ordinary 
Girl has 16 new songs by Summer and 
opens in Europe next year before an 
American tour and a possible fall 1999 
Broadway run. . . . Blondie has picked 
the title No Exit for its reunion CD, 
due this fall. . . . Queen Latifah is chat- 
ting up Warner Bros. TV about a talk 
show. . . . Janet Jackson, Magic Johnson 
and former Motown honcho Жегу! 
Busby formed a partnership to buy a 
bank, making them the only African 
American bank owners in southern 
California. . . . The courts have finally 
given the Kingsmen back royalties for 
Louie, Louie, which Richard Berry wrote 
on a piece of toilet paper ina dressing 
room in 1955... . Look for the next 
Bush album this fall or early spring 
1999. . . . Earth, Wind & Fire are out on 
tour with the Isley Brothers and the 
O'Jays. Wyclef Jean will co-produce sev- 
eral tracks for EW&F's next CD... . 


The Bahamas Country Bash sets sail 
for the Caribbean in October with 
LeAnn Rimes, Clint Black, Martina McBride 
and Collin Raye, among others, aboard. 
For ticket info, call 800-305-8712. . . 

Sonic Youth, the Ramones, Linda Renstadt 
and Tite Puente are featured on the 
next Simpsons album, Go Simpsonic 
With the Simpsons. Included are four 
new outtakes and material from the 
first seven seasons that didn't make it 
onto the first album. . . . The second 
season of HBO's Reverb will feature 
Mary Lou Lord, Third Eye Blind, G. Love and 
Special Sauce and Cheap Trick, among 
others. . . . Boston expects to have 
its first CD since 1994 out by Christ- 
mas. .. . MARS Music and Recording 
Superstores in Dallas, Houston, At- 
lanta, Orlando, Tampa, Fort Lau- 
derdale, Charlotte and Indianapolis 
have started something called Week- 
end Warriors. It's an easy way for mu- 
sicians to get back into playing with 
others without having to start, re- 
hearse or maintain a working band. 
The gear, rehearsal space, coaching 
and other musicians (matched accord- 
ing to level of expertise) are provid- 
ed by MARS. All this for a $100 fee. 
For more info, visit the MARS Web 
site at www.marsmusic.com or call 
954-938-0526. . . . Avon Books is pub- 
lishing an oral history of music edited 
by our own Dave Marsh. Coming 
soon: For the Record: Creedence Clearwa- 
ter Revival and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Women 
of Motown and George Clinton and P- 
Funk are already available... . . Is Elvis’ 
room next? The bedroom belong- 
ing to Gladys and Vernon Presley was 
opened to the public on Mother's Day. 
With the original furniture (including. 
the purple velvet headboard) and the 
poodle wallpaper intact, the Fifties 
are alive and well. —BARBARA NELLIS 


on the Tracks. 11% also an eye-opening 
glimpse of Guthrie. Liberated from sen- 
timental social realism, he appears by 
turns more comic (Walt Whitman's Niece), 
lustful (Ingrid Bergman) and visionary 
(California Stars, One by One). She Came 
Along to Me is an account of how femi- 
nism really works, Christ for President is 
a profound political satire and Hoodoo 
Voodoo outrocks The Basement Tapes. Birds 
and Ships, sung by Natalie Merchant, and 
the gorgeous Way Over Yonder in the Minor 
Key are direct descendants of the spooki- 
est Anglo American folk tunes. They 
place Guthrie among the century's gi- 
ants of classic folk. Bragg and Wilco play 
with inspiration, giving Woody's words 
contemporary music and bringing them 
to full-blooded life. —DAVE MARSH 


JAZZ 


James Blood Ulmer’s now-reissued 
Odyssey is the most renowned album of 
his early-Eighties heyday. With Ulmer 
on guitar, Warren Benbow on drums 
and Charlie Burnham on electric violi 

Odyssey is now a band, whose Reunion 
(Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard Street, 
New York, NY 10013) makes clear how 
unique their sound always was. Al- 
though he’s neither songwriter nor star, 
Burnham was crucial in getting the 
three back together. Burnham's playing 
turns avant-garde jazz into a hoedown, 
as weirdly familiar as the excursions of 
Ulmer’s old mentor, Ornette Coleman. 
Ulmer's simple tunes, straightforward 
declarations of loye and rock-inflected 
chops are essential. But the band takes 
his gifts to an American place he couldn't 
find without it. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Patricia Barber poses a tantalizing 
triple threat. The Chicago pianist has 
played solos of lacy steel, then reshaped 
familiar standards with her liquid-oxy- 
gen voice. On Modem Cool (Premonition) 
she also proves herself superb compos- 
er and lyricist, adept at putting a satiric 
spin on pseudohipsters, Check out the 
bleak but clever Postmodern Blues. Barber 
doesn't shy away from real emotion. On 
Love, Put on Your Faces, she adapts the 
lyrics from the poetry of Е.Е. Cum- 
mings. And solos by guitarist John Mc- 
Lean and trumpeter Dave Douglas lift 
the tunes still higher, making Modern 
Cool a must. — NEIL TESSER 


BLUES 


Recorded live in 1967, Seems Like Yes- 
terday ( Justin Time) captures James Cot- 
ton at his rawest and most energetic, 
performing 11 soul and blues hits of the 
era. The band is admirably tight, but the 
appeal here is exuberance. When Cot- 
ton commands that you turn on your 
love-light, nobody's going to consider 
insubordination. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Enjoy our quality responsihly. 


Www.rum, cont 
delicious 
brooks, a 
vated ай 


< 


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Call 1-800-884-5777 7 
with inquiries about your order: 
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sia. 0.4 mg nicotine av. u 


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RE 


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24 


MOVIES 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


SAMUEL L JACKSON has the title role in The 
Negotiator (Warner Bros.) as one of the 
Chicago Police Department's best men at 
talking down hostage takers. He puts his 
skills to use in unexpected ways when 
he’s framed for embezzling money from 
his union’s pension fund and accused of 
murder to boot. When Jackson holes up 
inthe Federal Building with a handful of 
hostages, his first demand is that the 
cops—suddenly his adversaries—call on 
the city’s other top negotiator, played by 
Kevin Spacey, to be his liaison. This is no 
ordinary game of cat and mouse, and 
the tension is palpable. When the plot's 
credibility dips, the film relies on the 
rock-solid presence of its two stars. ¥¥¥ 


Minnie Driver stars in The Governess 
(Sony Pictures Classics) as a Jewish wom- 
an in 19th century England who, newly 
impoverished, hides her religion and 
takes a job as governess to an eccentric 
family living on a remote Scottish island. 
There she becomes attracted to the man 
ofthe house, a scientist working on pho- 
tographic experiments. To his surprise, 
she proves to be an adept collaborator— 
and lover. Writer-director Sandra Gold- 
bacher tries to accomplish a lot—per- 
haps too much—in her feature-film de- 
but, depicting the near-hermetic lives of 
Jewish families in this time and place, 
the limited choices available to single 
women, the ways women were sup- 
pressed by the men they helped and in- 
spired, and the heady conflict of passion 
versus reason facing a man of intellect (1 
suppose it’s telling that not one but two 


“If you screen it, they will come.” 
That slogan might well describe the 
success of the Telluride Film Festival, 
the hippest and most enjoyable event 
of its kind in the country. But it was 
hardly a sure bet when Bill and Stella 


A MOVIE MECCA TURNS 25 


Pence (with Tom Luddy) launched this 
cinematic get-together near their re- 
mote Colorado home 25 years ago. 
Telluride had not yet been discovered 
by Oprah and Tom Cruise, it didn’t 
have an airstrip and the nearest air- 
port was 67 miles away—125 miles if 
you refused to bump and grind on 
small aircraft. So why would anyone 
travel so far and so high (9000 feet 
above sea level) just to see some 
movies? 

Ask the thousands who have made 


Zeta-Jones: Nice swash, nice buckle. 


Flashing swords, 
flaming hearts and 
forbidden games. 


of the film's leading men appear buck 
naked—along with its leading lady). 
That The Governess succeeds at all is cred- 
it to Goldbacher’s intelligence and her 
finely tuned cast, including the very 
watchable Driver, and Tom Wilkinson 
(from The Full Monty) as the man who 
finds himself consumed by her. Inter- 
esting but protracted, The Governess too 
often seems like an overheated soap 
opera. ¥¥/2 


Telluride permanent marks on their 
calendars and are willing to pay from 
$500 to $2500 to attend the four-day 
movie binge, expanded this year to 
five days (September 3-7) in honor of 
the 25th anniversary. Regulars include 
documentary filmmaker 
Ken Burns, Roger Ebert 
and animation master 
Chuck Jones, and over the years spe- 
cial guests have included Elmore Leon- 
ard (before he was Hollywood's fa- 
vorite author), Werner Herzog, John 
Waters, Shirley MacLaine, King Vidor, 
Louis Malle, James Stewart and King 
Kong's leading lady, Fay Wray. 

One memorable year, French di- 
rector Abel Gance, then in his 90s, 
watched his silent-film epic Napoleon 
unfurl on a three-panel outdoor 
screen specially built for the occasion. 
“Two years ago, Telluride hosted the 


Lena Olin reclaims her title as one of 
the sexiest women on-screen (first cap- 
tured when she donned a derby in The 
Unbearable Lightness of Being a decade 
ago) in Polish Wedding (Fox Searchlight), 
playing the mother of a large, close-knit 
dan. Family is everything to her, yet her 
relationship with her adoring husband 
(Gabriel Byrne) is strained, and her 
sometimes flamboyant ways ignite a 
spark in her daughter (Claire Danes), 
who wants to experience life. This color- 
ful, likably off-kilter tableau, set in a 
small-town community on the outskirts 
of Detroit, is the first feature for theater 
writer-director Theresa Connelly, who 
scores points not only for atmosphere 
but also for casting. Her actors turn in 
rich, textured performances that make 
their characters come alive, while Con- 
nelly paints their world so that we can al- 
most smell it. ¥¥¥ 


You get two Zorros for the price of one 
in The Mask of Zorro (IriStar)—which says 
a lot about the movie in general. You 
couldn't ask for a better masked avenger 
than Antonio Banderas, who inherits the 
title (and the mask) from an aging An- 
thony Hopkins. But the movie seems 
intent on giving more of everything: 
Why have one blackhearted villain when 
you can have two? Why have one narrow 
escape when you can stage a series of 
them? Why stop at two hours’ running 
time when you can go longer? It’s a 
handsome, well-made movie, and for 
the most part it’s fun. But is it meant to 
entertain or exhaust? There’s much to 
enjoy here—the star performances, the 


American premieres of virtually every 
critically acclaimed film of the fall sea- 
son (Sling Blade, Secrets and Lies, Break- 
ing the Waves, Swingers). 

The mix of old and new, discoveries 
and rediscoveries, is an often heady 
and always unpredictable brew. 

Few, if any, know in advance what 
or whom they will see over Labor Day 
weekend, because festival directors 
don’t announce their selections ahead 
of time. The reason? They don't want 
you coming because of a particular 
film or guest. You're welcome only if 
you love movies. And if you do love 
movies, you'll be certain to meet like- 
minded people—including filmmak- 
ers and actors, who seem to revel in 
the laid-back atmosphere of this con- 
genial event. —LM. 

For information on the 25th anniversary 
of the festival, call 603-643-1255. Soon. 


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25 


Forster: Back in the game 


FF CAMERA 


It is often said that an Oscar 
nomination can hike an actor's 
salary, or cement his reputation. 
For Robert Forster, the nomination 
for his terrific performance in 
Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Broun 
has meant something much more 
concrete: a whole new career. 

Forster starred in Haskell Wex- 
ler's brilliant Medium Cool in the 
late Sixties and headlined a couple 
of short-lived TV series in the Sev- 
enties (Banyon and Nakia). But he 
had barely worked in recent years. 
"Then came the phone call from 
‘Tarantino. 

Now the actor has a featured 
role in Walter Hill's space saga Su- 
pernova, with James Spader, An- 
gela Bassett and Lou Diamond 
Phillips; a smaller part in the com- 
edy Kiss Toledo Goodbye, with Chris- 
topher Walken and Michael Rapa- 
port; and another small role in 
an independent feature, Outside 
Ozona (he replaces the late J.T. 
Walsh). 

When acting jobs were scarce, 
Forster realized he had to gener- 
ate his own work—and find a cre- 
ative outlet. So he listed himself 
with a free-speakers bureau and 
still makes the rounds. “I spoke 
twice last week, and four times the 
week before that. I spoke to a col- 
legiate scholars’ group; I’ve also 
spoken to old people who don't 
have their mates anymore, to 
ninth graders, to Hadassah, to 
anybody wanting a free speaker” 
Talk to him for any length of time 
and you realize that his upbeat 
attitude, undiminished after so 
many years of hard knocks, is in- 
deed inspiring. 

What's the most satisfying result 
of his Oscar nomination? "I'm a 
guy who couldn't get a job for a 
long, long time and I must say, no 
matter where I go, people say nice 
things to me. It's been amazing." 
And the most tangible result? “I'm 
going to get out of debt by the end 
of the year.” —LM 


elegant showcasing of gorgeous leading 
lady Catherine Zeta-Jones, the vigorous 
swordplay and stunts. But old-time se- 
rial buffs, who remember the likes of 
Zorro's Fighting Legion, will wince at the 
“cheat” pulled in the finale, which the 
Saturday matinee crowds of yore would 
have booed off the screen. ¥¥/2 


Not so much banned as shunned in 
the U.S. for more than a year, Adrian 
Lyne's anticipated remake of Lolita final- 
ly had its American debut on Showtime 
in August. It will now receive some form 
of theatrical distribution—though not 
from the major studios, which ran from 
this ultimate assault on political correct- 
ness. Lest anyone fear that the director 
of 9% Weeks has turned Vladimir Nabo- 
kov's novel into soft-core porn, let it be 
said that this film about one man's obses- 
sion with a 12-year-old girl may even be 
superior to the Stanley Kubrick render- 
ing from 1962. With a finely nuanced 
script by Stephen Schiff, Harold Pinter 
and James Dearden and a perfect cast 
led by Jeremy Irons, Frank Langella and 
Melanie Griffith, Lolita is that rarity—an 
adult film that examines the human con- 
dition. The discovery here is newcom- 
er Dominique Swain as the nymphet of 
the title. She is utterly unaffected and 
unerring in every scene of this complex 
tale. УУУУ: 


Safe Men (October Films) is an amusing 
film by first-time writer-director John 
Hamburg, about two slackers who have 
never enjoyed any particular success in 
their young lives—until they have to 
prove their worth as safecrackers for a 
local mobster in Providence, Rhode Is- 
land. The cast is well chosen, with Sam 
Rockwell and Steve Zahn as the heroes, 
the always welcome Michael Lerner 
(most recently the mayor in Godzilla) as a 
bombastic racketeer in a warm-up suit, 
Harvey Fierstein as his one rival in town 
and Paul Giamatti (memorable in How- 
ard Stern's Private Parts) in a wonder- 
ful comic performance as Lerner’s put- 
upon right-hand man. Safe Men is so 
light, so wispy, that it just might vanish if 
you stare at it too hard. But it does make 
you smile. УУУ» 


Harrison Ford and Anne Heche are 
fun as an odd couple falling in love while 
shipwrecked in Six Days, Seven Nights 
(Buena Vista). Sure, it’s formulaic and 
predictable, but it is entertaining and 
played with panache. The problem is 
getting past our awareness of Heche's 
real-life sexuality—a matter that should 
be none of our business but instead has 
been thrust in our faces. Still, Heche is 
such a good actor and Ford is so loose 
and funny that they easily clear this 
hurdle. ¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Bulworth (8/98) Warren Beatty hits the 
bull's-eye as a senator who rediscov- 
ers his integrity by aligning himself 
with the black community—and tak- 
ing up rapping. Уууу 
Con't Hordly Wait (Listed only) Jennifer 
Love Hewitt heads the cast of this 
road-company American Graffiti. ¥¥ 
Cousin Bette (7/98) Jessica Lange ma- 
nipulates her ungrateful family’s love 
lives in Balzac's story set in 19th cen- 
tury France. yy; 
Fear ond Loathing in Las Vegas (8/98) 
Boring, sometimes repellent and 
pointless; Johnny Depp plays the al- 
ter ego of Hunter S. Thompson. У 
Godzilla (Listed only) What were you 
expecting—Macbeth? For a mega- 
budget, check-your-brains-at-the-door 
monster movie, it's fun. Wr 
The Governess (See review) Minnie 
Driver drives her eccentric employer 
to distraction. Wa 
The Horse Whisperer (8/98) Robert Red- 
ford as a man who works magic with 
horses and their owners. Wr 
Land Girls (6/98) Young women are re- 
cruited to work the farms on Eng- 
land's home front during World War 
‘Two. Disappointing treatment of a 
great subject.¥¥ 

Lolite (See review) Jeremy Irons stars 
in the notorious nymphet story. ¥¥¥/2 
The Mask of Zorro (See review) Beauti- 
fully done—but overdone. Ууу» 
The Negotiator (See review) Samuel L. 

Jackson and Kevin Spacey command 
the screen. Wy 
The Opposite of Sex (7/98) Smart black 
comedy about a foul (and foul- 
mouthed) teenager (Christina Ricci) 
who disrupts the life of her gay half 
brother. Supporting player Lisa Ku- 
drow is terrific. yyy 
A Perfect Murder (Listed only) Michael 
Douglas discovers his wife is having 
an affair and he vows to end it. A sur- 
prisingly good update of Dial M for 
Murder. yyy 
Polish Wedding (See review) Gabriel 
Byrne, Claire Danes and Lena Olin 
in a slice of Americana. vy 
Safe Men (See review) Slackers be- 
come safecrackers. ¥¥/2 
Six Days, Seven Nights (See review) Har- 
rison Ford and Anne Heche fall in 
love on a deserted island. УУУ 
Wild Man Blues (6/98) Woody Allen al- 
lowed filmmaker Barbara Kopple to 
follow him—and Soon-Yi Previn— 
during a European tour. Compelling 
and revealing. wy 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


¥¥ Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


Advertisement 


ms MR. JENKINS 


a candid conversation with the man behind the cocktails - his tastes, his singular sense 
of style, and how to make a perfect martini. 


Shaken or stirred? I ask, as the the aroma of 
‘freshly made cocktails mingles with the whisper of an 
ocean breeze. Mr. Jenkins is standing on the deck of 
a borrowed beach house, surveying the mid- 
summer twilight. “Í suspect that it's really a matter 
of personal choice,” he says, eyes fixed on the horizon, 
“but it’s certainly no small question.” A typically 
profound response. “You see, the decisions that we 
make, no matter how seemingly small, these decisions 
define us,” he continues, “they give us context, a place 
from which to proceed.” 1 begin to wonder if we're 
still discussing martinis. 

But this is Mr. Jenkins, a man who, for four 
‘years as spokesperson for Tanqueray Gin, has 
afforded us a glimpse into his world. A man who 
will depart a party with as much style as when he 
arrived, a man who has run with the bulls, and left 
them whimpering. A man who is just as likely to 
appear at a polo match as he is backstage at a rock 
concert. A lover, a world-traveler, a spokesperson, 
a mystery. A man who excludes himself from 


“I find all sorts of travel to be gratifying, and 
given the right companion and a proper set of 
tools, even the most mundane scenario can become 
fairly exotic.” 


nothing, and nothing from him, in an endless 
pursuit of the elusive. 

As he continues to ponder my initial query, 
his eyes shift mischievously from the darkening 
horizon to his freshly prepared cocktail, and back 
again. “Shaken or stirred?” he repeats as a grin creeps 
across his face and he reaches for another 
tumbler, “You tell me.” 


Decisions, indeed. 


PLAYBOY: Alright, here’s the scenario: 
A summer cocktail party. Late afternoon. A hot 
day. Everyone is there. What do I drink? 


JENKINS: Well, these are all important issues, 
setting, season, crowd, but what really matters is 
your mood. What do you feel like? Is it a martini 
sortofday? Or perhaps a T&T type of afiemoon? 
Are you feeling a bit snappy? If so, then maybe 


SPECIAL DAY, 1 


(а: English Чт 


“Consider Tanqueray. Crisp, clean, delicious, and 
triple-distilled to ensure quality - a process we 
should all be so lucky to undergo. Frankl, more 
than anything, it’s a matter of taste. There is 
simply no rival to Tanqueray.” 


a Tanqueray Tom Collins isin order. 


PLAYBOY: So, it’s really a matter of personal 
style. There are no social constraints with regard 
to cocktail selection? 


JENKINS: Allow the cocktail to represent you 
and not your perception of social standards. It 
projects a sort of confidence and personal “savoir- 
faire,” as the Countess would say. 

PLAYBOY: The Countess? 


JENKINS: 
exchange for certain favors, I use her house for a 


Yes, this is her home, in fact. In 
few weeks each summer. 
PLAYBOY: Favors, Mr. Jenkins? 


JENKINS: It’s amazing what several cases of 
Tünqueray will get you these days. 


"I don't understand the current obsession with olives. 
Whether you like one or two is a personal preference. 
All garnish aside, the only tragic embarrassment is 
calling out the wrong gin." 


PLAYBOY Interview format used with permission of Playboy 


Advertisement 


PLAYBOY: Where is the Countess now? And 
how do you know her? 


JENKINS: Well, we met while tracking snow 
leopards in the Himalayas. Though I must say, 
I highly doubt there were any snow leopards in 
the places I was looking. She’s quite an agile 
sportswoman, the Countess. 


PLAYBOY: Indeed. Is that the sort of travel that 
you're inclined to undertake? Exotic, faraway 


places? 


JENKINS: Oh, not exclusively, no. I find all 
sorts of travel to be gratifying, and given the 
right companion anda proper set of tools, even 
the most mundane scenario can become fairly 
exotic. Just a few months ago, I joined the 
domestic portion of the reunion tour of a 
well-known rock band. They appointed me 
“honorary roadie.” 


PLAYBOY: What were your duties? 


JENKINS: Making certain that someone was 
backstage ice supply. 
Appointing someone to stock the bar. There 
was also some odd clause regarding the 
removal of pimentos from certain...hard-to- 


overseeing фе 


reach areas. Rock bands, you know, they can be 
quite...whimsical. Attending to groupies, that 


was my strong suit. 
PLAYBOY: Attending to groupies? 


JENKINS: You know, sort of filtering out who 
was worthy of backstage admission, The 
candidates numbered in the hundreds. The 
process was quite pleasantly fatiguing. 


PLAYBOY: I'm sure it was. And of the places 
you've been, are there any that don’t appeal 
to you? 


JENKINS: Oh, no. They're all beautiful in their 
own right. Гуе really felt welcomed everywhere 
Ive been. Though there was the incident at the 
Havana Room. But | hold no grudges. 


PLAYBOY: 
happened at the Havana Room? 


No, now wait a second, what 


JENKINS: A silly incident, really. All that Pl 
say is that the Havana Room will no longer be 
without an adequate supply of both limes and 
lemons. And that’s really all that I can say on 
the matter. 


PLAYBOY: So the issue was with regard to the 
proper preparation of a drink? 


JENKINS: Actually, it involved one of the 
staff, and one of my personal ‘alternate’ uses for 
citrus fruits. 


PLAYBOY: Ha, I assume you're joking. You're 
quite renowned for your sense of humor. To 
what do you attribute that? 


“Poe really felt welcomed everywhere 
Гое been. Though there was the 


incident at the Havana Room.” 


JENKINS: The worldisan inherently funny place. 
Pm merely a spectator. I just call itas I see it 
about 


PLAYBOY: Okay, how 


free association? 


some 


JENKINS: I'm game. Go ahead. 


PLAYBOY: Pickle... 


JENKINS: ... Tumbler... 
PLAYBOY: ...Boat. 
JENKINS: .. Ice... 
PLAYBOY: ...Ocean.. 
JENKINS: ...Tonic... 
PLAYBOY: ...Cloud.. 
JENKINS: 

PLAYBOY: .. Beach... 
JENKINS: ... Tangueray. 


PLAYBOY: 


just free-associated the 


Wait a second, haven't you 
recipe for a 


Tangueray & Tonic? 


JENKINS: Well, since you mention it, I'd love 


one. And not too heavy on the tonic. 


(He hands me his glass. We laugh. Igetup to freshen 
our cocktails.) 


PLAYBOY: What is it that drew you to be the 
spokesperson for Zanqueray? 


JENKINS: 
Consider Tangueray. Crisp, clean, delicious, and 


The match is quite natural. 


triple-distilled to ensure quality — a process we 
should all be so lucky to undergo. Frankly, 
more than anything, it's a matter of taste. There 


is simply no rival to Tangueray. 


PLAYBOY: It seems that your job has allowed 
you to meet many high-level people from 
various countries. Have you ever considered a 


career in world politics? 


JENKINS: Absolutely not — at least not on any 
official level. I value my privacy far too much. 
Besides, l've managed to maintain quite an active. 


behind-the-scenes role on the world stage. 


PLAYBOY: I think I know what you're 
referring to. It’s no secret that you've been 
linked, on more than one occasion, with certain 


members of the European aristocracy. 


JENKINS: Let's just say that these... liaisons, let's 
call them, have afforded mea unique glimpse into 
the upper, and on certain special occasions, lower 
echelons of world politics. Though I cannot, on 
record, claim to have had any effect on policy — at 
least not in the public sense. 


PLAYBOY: When will you slow down? 


JENKINS: Slow down? When there’s nothing 
left to pursue, of course — and I wouldn’t hold 
your breath. As long as there's ice in the 
proverbial bucket, I intend to use it, my friend. 


Imported English Gin, 473% AlcVol(946"), 100% Grain Neutral Spirits. ©1998 Schisttelin & Somerset Со. New York, NV 


VIDEO 


Don't expect to find 
just one kind of mov- 
ie playing in the den 
of ER's Anthony Ed- 
wards. “I find genres 
limiting in the same 
way that it’s limiting 
to call ER a drama," he 
says. “It's a serious 
show, but when you 
watch it, you wind up 
laughing. So my tape collection is less 
about category than quality. It's full of 
such titles as Lawrence of Arabia, Raging 
Bull, Citizen Kane or anything by Preston 
Sturges. For example, Priscilla, Queen of 
the Desert was a joy for me—but so was 
Ken Burns’ Baseball. In the end, they both 
do the same thing: They take you away for 
a few hours.” Dr in the case of Baseball, 
18 hours. SUSAR KARUN 


VIDBITS 


Three cheers to Rhino Home Video for 
its impressive boxed set The Mike Doug- 
las Show With John Lennon and Yoko Ono 
($99.95). Boasting five 73-minute tapes 
and a 48-page limited edition hard- 
bound book, the deluxe look-back re- 
plays a weck of episodes from February 
1972, in which the former Beatle and his 
avant-garde wife played co-hosts on the 
popular variety show. In addition to be- 
ing interviewed by Douglas, the couple 
perform songs from John's Imagine al- 
bum, as well as cuts from their Sometime 
in New York City LP. Other guests include 
Chuck Berry, George Carlin, Ralph Na- 
der, Jerry Rubin, Bobby Seale, the Ace 
"Trucking Company comedy troupe, a 
women's rights attorney and a macrobi- 
otic cook. Ah, those were the days. 


BOMBS AWAY! 


Kevin Costner's The Postman, now on 
video, isn't the first overlong, overbud- 
get epic to go bust. It wasn't even Cost- 
ner's first loser (see Waterworld, below). 
But rather than turn up our noses at 
Hollywood's wayward children, why not 
give them their due? Pop the popcorn, 
call your friends and throw a so-bad- 
it’s-good filmfest in your living room. 
They're big, they're bad, they're ugly: 
Heaven's Gate (1980): The granddaddy of 
movie bombs, Michael Cimino's $44 mil- 
lion Western put spendthrift Hollywood 
execs on notice. To this day it has pulled 
in less than $2 million in box office—and 
no forgiveness. 

Howard the Duck (1986): A cigar-smoking 
drake from another planet beams down 
to earth and comes on to Lea Thomp- 


son. Twaddle that waddles. 

Cleopatra (1963): At the time, its $44 mil- 
lion budget seemed inconceivable. But 
Taylor and Burton's torrid offscreen af- 
fair overshadowed the film, which was 
ultimately a flameout. 

Woterworld (1995): This soggy saga about 
drifters sloshing around the world after 
the polar ice caps melt cost $175 million 
and, some say, Costner's marriage. At 
$1.3 million a minute, you're better off 
in the bathtub watching Mad Max. 
Showgirls (1995): The Verhoeven-Esz- 
terhas Vegas chronicle promised excite- 
ment beyond our wildest fantasies. But 
$45 million and a few dry-hump lap 
dances later, we wished we had dropped 
$50 on the real thing. 

Clan of the Cave Bear (1986): Prehistory's 
first feminist—Cro-Magnon Daryl Han- 
nah—invents arithmetic. Subtitled in 
English from Neanderthal (no kidding). 
Ishtar (1987): Critic Gene Shalit said it 
best: “Ishtar ish terrible." (Note: When 
Waterworld was released, industry insid- 
ers called it Fishtar.) 

Rhinestone (1984): Dolly Parton attempts 
to turn crude, rude dude Sylvester Stal- 
lone (jaw-droppingly unconvincing as a 
New York City cab driver) into a country 
singer. Exactly who was the target audi- 
ence—Roger Clinton? 

Xanadu (1980): Truly awful musical with 
Olivia Newton-John as a Greek muse 
who turns into a fish along with blocked 
artist Michael Beck, who opens a dis- 
co-roller-rink nightclub with Gene Kel- 
ly. You read that right. 

The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990): Tom 


Wolfe's novel was a trenchant indictment 
of high society. At a cost of $40 million— 
and featuring lost-in-the-dark perfor- 
mances by Bruce Willis and Melanie 
Griffith—Brian De Palma’s mishmash 
was Hollywood at its worst. 

Under the Cherry Moon (1986): After the 
royally successful Purple Rain (1984), 
Prince inexplicably decided to direct this 
gigolo-in-love tale himself. He quickly 
became the Artist Currently Known as 
Box Office Poison. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


The Big Lebowski (bowlers Bridges and Goodman plot a 
doomed double cross; flawed but fun outing with the Coen 
brothers), Zero Effect (tasty case lures reclusive sleuth to 
Oregon; nice quirky turns by Bill Pullman and Ben Stiller). 


cane Streets (hard-luck teen on Manhattan's Lower East Side 
meets a nice girl; Bowery Boys for the Nineties}. 


30 


WIRED 


JUST SAY CHEESECAKE 


If you like the concept of MTV's Real 
World but think the show is contrived, 
check out one of the many homecam 
sites on the Web. This voycuristic phe- 
nomenon, in which people transmit live 
pictures from their private quarters onto 
the Internet, began a few years ago with 
JenniCam, a camera positioned in the 
dorm room of Dickinson College stu- 
dent Jennifer Ringley. Prior to Jenni- 
Cam, live cameras sent real-time snap- 
shots of street corners and coffeepots to 
the Net. But buzz travels fast in cyber- 
space and word of Ringley's R-rated ad- 
ventures led not only to traffic jams 
JenniCam but also to hundreds of copy- 
cats. Links to some of the more interest- 


ing ones can be found at the Nose's 
HomeCam page (www.homecams.com). 
This guide to free and pay-per-peek 
homecam sites sniffs out nudity, so if you 
want it, you'll know where to find it. One 
popular link is AnaCam (“nudity: some- 
times"), where you can watch singer Ana. 
Voog's performances—in the shower. In- 
terested in setting up your own home- 
cam? All you need is a Web page, a Con- 
nectix camera (about $100 to $200) and 
a lack of inhibition. — MARK GLASER 


SOUNDS ENTICING 


Dolby Digital Surround sound is now 
being beamed to home theaters via satel- 
lite. This super fidelity, movie theater— 
based audio technology, which pumps 
sound separately to five speakers and a 
subwoofer, is standard on DVD software 
and requires a Dolby Digital audio-video 
receiver (priced upwards of $500) for 
playback. Recently, DSS' DirecTV began 
delivering Dolby Digital on its letter- 
boxed, pay-per-view movie channels. 
RCA's model DS5451RB ($450) is the 
first DSS receiver capable of picking up 
the signal, but we expect most manufac- 
turers to offer the option on future mod- 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 166. 


els. Echostar's Dish Network will offer 
Dolby Digital movies, which require sub- 
scribers to buy either a $150 add-on box 
for extraction or a new second-genera- 
tion receiver. JVC has introduced a com- 
bination Dish Network receiver and dig- 
ital D-VHS VCR that can also record the 
upgraded audio signals. And Primestar 
promises Dolby Digital on its forthcom- 
ing high-powered, small-dish system. 

— JONATHAN ТАКИЕ 


THE CELLS HAVE EARS 


Watch what you say on your cellular 
phone—someone could be eavesdrop- 
ping. It’s a federal crime to sell or use 
equipment capable of tapping cell 
phones, but an estimated 10 million peo- 
ple already own inexpensive, handheld 
cell phone scanners, and sales of second- 
hand equipment abound on the Inter- 
net. Most hobbyists use their scanners 
for entertainment (the airwaves are like 
an all-night episode of Taxi Cab Confes- 
sions), but bad guys tune in to obtain 


your bank bal- 
ances, credit 
card informa- 
tion, voice-mail 
passwords, 
your home ad- 
dress and vaca- 
tion plans. Newer 
digital cell phones 
by Motorola, No- 
kia and Oki offer 
more protection 
than analog vari- 
ations do, but 
because of the 
weak security 
software of 
their systems, 
calls can still be 
intercepted by those 
with the know-how and the proper 
equipment. The best bet for keeping 
your private calls private? Use an old- 
fashioned wired-to-the-wall phone and 
make sure the person you're talking to 
does the same. ^ —MARK FRAUENFELDER 


отино —— 


Next time you come ocross some obscure French word in a novel, whip oul your Seiko 
Quicktionary. A scanner built into the tip of this gizmo ($250, pictured here) reods o 
word ond tronslotes it instontly onto on LCD. Severol tronslotions are ovailable, includ- 
ing French to English ond Sponish to English. All contain more thon 400,000 words 
ond idioms and can be switched between notive ond foreign longuoges with o press of 
о button. If you're a lefty, the Quicktionary has o menu option that lets you flip the dis- 
ployed text upside down. ® Digital tech moy be the future of home theater, but we're 
not ready to write off the VCR yet because its fectures keep getting better. Witness 
Sony's 5ІУ-М20НЕ a four-head stereo VCR with the new SmartFile Electronic Indexing 
system. Ideal for frequent recorders, Smarffile stores key info about o show 
you're toping (nome, date, durotion, etc.) onto computerized lobels 
you affix to your VHS cassettes before recording. When you want to 
watch a taped show, you simply pop the соззене into your VCR 
and a list of progroms contoined on it will appear on the TV 
screen. Use your remote to scroll down to Ihe show you 
want to wotch, then push o button ond wait while the 
VCR fast-forwards to the beginning. To find out how 
much recording time you hove left on o tope, just 
wove the SmortFile lobel in front of the VCR. 
The longest available blonk time will be 
displayed on the VCR’s panel. If the 
time meets your needs, pop in the 
tape ond the VCR will fost-for- 
ward to the right spot. 
The price: $500. 
— BETH TOMKIW 


Only D-VHS can record an image that is identical in quality 
to the original digital satellite broadcast, assuring the best 
possible picture reproduction available anywhere. 


TECHNOLOGY THAT DELIVERS. A single unit 
which incorporates both recorder and tuner, the DSR100 is 
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programming; МРЕС2 enables digital bit stream recording, 
in its pristine state, preserving the pure digital quality of 
the original transmission. Completing the ultimate home 
theater experience is the DSR100's digital stereo audio with 
Dolby Digital" (AC-3) output;* which delivers incredibly 
rich and powerful sound. And, with the unique D-VHS 
tape's high storage capacity, it's possible to record three 
full length movies, with room to spare, on just one cassette 
(identical in size to a standard VHS tape). 


A PRACTICAL INVESTMENT. Designed for the 
future, D-VHS also fully supports present technology. 
The DSR100 can playback and record standard VHS tapes, 
which means your current video library won't become 
extinct. Plus, in the near future, the D-VHS format will 


VHS 


Dolby Digital is ı trademark of Dolby Laboratories Licensing Corp. 


also be capable of recording HDTV 
transmissions. D-VHS is truly a 
technology whose time has come. 


Additional D-VHS features include: 
* 18" satellite dish 


* On-screen program guide 


* UHF/IR universal 
remote control 


+ High speed VO 
terminal for 
future expansion 
possibllities 
(multimedia, 
FireWire, etc.) 


D-VHS digital satellite 
recording system. 


* V-chip parental control 


D-VHS FROM JVC. 
THE FUTURE HAS ARRIVED. 
For more information, see your local authorized JVC dealer. 


DISH Network is a trademark of EchoStar Communications Corporation. Subscription required for satellite programming, 
* Dolby Digital brosdcasts scheduled to begin late 1997. Outboard decoder required. 


When Performance Matters. 
www.jvc.com 


32 


BOOKS 


PIRATE TREASURE 


How does a hang-loose millionaire troubadour like Jimmy 
Buffet face the big five-O? According to A Pirate Looks at Fifty 
(Random House), he does it with the wind in his hair, nostal- 
gia on his mind and a bankroll on his hip. Approaching that 
fateful date, with a contracted se- 
quel to his 1992 best-selling Where 
Is Joe Merchant? failing to flow, the 
resourceful bard of Margaritaville 
decided to combine his birthday 
celebration with his literary obliga- 
tion. Inspired by the travel jour- 
nals of Mark Twain, no less, Buffett 
decided to set off with family, 
friends and the latest cutting- 

edge equipment for an aero- 

nautic excursion from Florida 

to yarious points in the French 

West Indies. Liberally inter- 
spersed with meditations on his 
colorful past—a humble Mobile 
childhood, early career struggles 
in New Orleans and the good life in Key West—this rambling 
tale might have benefited from stronger editing. The loving 
descriptions of his private planes, expensive toys and money- 
is-no-object lifestyle get to be a bit much. But Buffett's raffish 
charm, storytelling savvy and humorous take on adulthood 
should cause joy among his Parrothead flock and may even 
increase its number. —DICK LOCHTE 


MAGNIFICENT 
SOBI € АК Ny / 


Few experiences match the delight af spending о late-sum- 
mer day in on urfamilior But most guidebaoks assume 
you wear Bermudo shorts and enjoy standing in line at a te- 
diaus tourist spot. Here ore five books that will help you 
avoid urban vacation bummers. You don't want ta be token 
for a rube in Manhattan. Richard Laermer's Native's Guide to 
New York (Narton) will have yau negatioting Orchord Street 
like o Lower East Sider. The Buildings of Charleston (University 
of South Corolino), by Jonathan Poston, is the definitive or- 
chitectural guide ta Americo's best-preserved city. Instead of 
cable cors and Rice-A-Roni, San Francisco As You Like It 
(Chronicle), by Bonnie Wach, offers 20 unusual tours 
arranged by personality type (e.g., extravert, neabahemian). 
Los Angeles A to Z (University af Colifamio), by Leonard Pitt 
and Dale Fitt, isn't a guidebook, but it's essential for the dis- 
cerning visitor. It's on encyclapedia that covers everything 
fram Kareem Abdul-Jabbor to the Zuma County Beach. You 
wan't find Golataire's or Pat O'Brien's in Malcolm Heard’s 
French Quarter Manual (University af Mississippi), but it's 

the best book ever published an the architecture of New 
Orleans’ Vieux Carré. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


NEWYORK: 


WHO DONE IT? 


Kinky Friedman and Patricia Cornwell are best-selling au- 
thors who once had different careers; He was a self-described 
sleazeball country music performer, she was a medical exam- 
iner. Both just published their 11th novels, each of which 
might be termed a tour de farce. But that effect is intentional 
for only one of them. Friedman's Blast From the Past (Simon & 
Schuster) is like an acid flashback. The tale covers a period in 
the Seventies when he was fronting the Shalom Retirement 
Village People and harboring his federal fugitive pal Barry 
Freed (a.k.a. Abbie Hoffman). When someone starts taking 
potshots at them, the Kinkster deduces, as any reasonable 
weasel-dust-snorting amateur detective 
would, that the perp mistook one 
hebe in a cowboy hat, namely him, 
for another hebe in a cowboy hat, 
namely Abbie. But he soon sus- 
pects that he might be wrong 
about who is being mistaken 
for whom. Cornwell's Point 
of Origin (Putnam) fea- 
tures the return of Kay 
Scarpetta, chief medi- 
cal examiner in Rich- 
mond, Virginia. She has 
worked on the World 
Trade Center and Okla- 
homa City bombings and 
1 the crash of TWA Flight 
800, but seems to spend no time working for the city 

of Richmond. Soon after Kay receives a threatening letter 
from a lesbian serial killer named Carrie (who had an affair 
with Kay's niece), she is called to examine the charred re- 
mains of a woman to determine if the victim was murdered 
before the fire. Surprise—she was. Could Carrie somehow be 
connected? Did O.J. drive a white Bronco? If you fancy foren- 
sics, you'll find far more adept treatment of the subject in one 
short scene in Lucian К. Truscott IV's Full Dress Gray (Mor- 
row), the powerful follow-up to Dress Gray. Former cadet Ry 
Slaight returns to West Point as head of the academy, and 
when a female cadet dies from apparent heat exhaustion dur- 
ing his welcoming ceremony, it’s his responsibility to investi- 
gate. With masterful pacing and precise details, Truscott's 
book provides another insightful look at West Point and 
adroitly threads the issue of women in the military into a 
tightly wound plot. In Legal Briefs (Doubleday), 11 noted 
lawyer-writers (including William Bernhardt, John Grisham, 
Jeremiah Healy, Richard North Patterson and Lisa Scottoline) 
have turned their attention to the short story and are turning 
their author's fees over to the Children's Defense Fund. It’s 
called working prose bono. — PAUL ENGLEMAN 


ALLTHAT JAZZ 
For nearly holf o century, jazz ond PLAYBOY 
PLAYBOY have enjoyed о special re- 

lotionship. So И should came os => EX 
no surprise that The Playboy Guide ç J A 2 8 
to Jazz (Plume), by Neil Tesser, is 

the best survey available today. - 

Arronged chronologicolly (fram 
Jelly Rall Martan ta Tim Berne), the 
guide is an excellent saurce far 
those who wont to leam about the 
most compelling music of the 20th 
century. If you're building o jazz 
collection, Tesser offers o list of 50 
essential recordings. To order, call 
800-423-9494. 


MEN 


D uring the past two years, ten 
young students have killed 21 
people and wounded at least 46 others 
by shooting their peers and their teach- 
ers on school property without warn- 
ing. The oldest perpetrator was 18, the 
youngest 11. The sites ranged across the 
U.S., from Pennsylvania to Alaska, and 
the towns involved had such wholesome 
names as Pearl and Pomona. 

One of the more disturbing incidents 
occurred in Springfield, Oregon on May 
21, when 15-year-old Kipland Kinkel 
gunned down several classmates with a 
-22-caliber semiautomatic rifle in the 
school cafeteria—this came after he al- 
legedly shot and killed his mother and 
father in their home. Kinkel hails from 
what appeared to be a normal two-par- 
ent household. 

“Гхе seen the best that people have to 
offer,” Springfield police chief Bill De- 
Forrest said at a funeral for one of the 
victims, “and I've seen the worst. My 
concern is this—I’m seeing more of the 
worst these days.” Most of us understand 
exactly what DeForrest is talking about, 
especially when it comes to America’s 
children. Here in the late Nineties, we 
are witnessing a new trend in murder 
and mayhem 

‘There are many theories about why 

children become murderers, and we are 
being deluged with them by so-called ex- 
perts. Some people claim youthful vio- 
lence is a response to the things children 
see on TV and in movies. Others say the 
easy access to firearms prompts adoles- 
cent executioners into action. Fatherless- 
ness is high on the list of presumed 
causative factors, as is a general decline 
in moral values. Overworked parents, 
poverty, the destructive power of illegal 
drugs, the siren call of dark forces on the 
Internet—you name it and somebody is 
promoting it as the primal cause of the 
problem. But does anybody have the 
answer? 
The experts offer many suggestions 
about how we might counter the speer 
of childhood violence: We should 
tougher drug laws, ban guns, ban Jer- 
ry Springer, control Internet access, sue 
parents whose children commit these 
crimes, establish tighter security param- 
eters around our educational institu- 
tions, create more after-school programs 
for misguided teens, offer psychological 
counseling to grade-schoolers, etc. 

These proposals are sincere, but they 


By ASA BABER 


Tm 
| |! 
ІШІ! 


may miss a major point, one that is diffi- 
cult to acknowledge. So let me be a fool 
for a theory for a moment and suggest 
that a child's tendency toward violence 
could be imprinted on his or her brain 
far earlier than most people think (with- 
in the first three years of life, accord- 
ing to the research I've been studying). 
We are, perhaps, looking for murderers 
long after they have been released into 
our midst. 

The possibility that violent circuitry 
wired into place early on is generally ig- 
nored in our discussions about kids and 
destructiveness. Why? Is it because it 
flies in the face of our most tightly cher- 
ished and sentimental myths about 
childhood? We've been told an infant is a 
blank slate who isn't really affected by 
much that happens in its world un 
attends kindergarten. A newborn child, 
lacking language and memory, obviously 
has no enduring recollection of trauma 
it encounters in its earliest years. A cud- 
dly little tyke, even when abused, can lat- 
er be healed of its wounds by love and 
attention. 

We resist giving up these myths be- 
cause a deeper dilemma exists as well: If 
we agree that our perceptions of babies 
are false, and if we concede that it is in 
the nursery that violence-prone children 
are shaped and set in their ways, how 
can we hope to control the problem? 


KILLERS 
IN DIAPERS 


This society does not have the ability or 
the means to intrude in every home and 
supervise all the activities around every 
bassinet. 

Nonetheless, I submit that tomorrow's 
killers arc being prepared in their cribs 
today. Abusive and neglectful things are 
being done to them as you read this, and 
their murderous impulses are being 
brought online right now, hardwired 10 
be accessed later when their bodies catch 
up with their brains. 

Along with positron emission tomog- 
raphy scans and magnetic resonance 
imaging, the mysteries of the human 
brain are being deciphered. The latest 
research shows that by the ume a child 
third birthday, its brain’s 
ing is in place, for good or for ill. 

For example, in their book, Ghosts 
From the Nursery: Tracing the Roots of Vio- 
lence, authors Robin Karr-Morse and 
Meredith Wiley write, “The poisons ac- 
cumulating from widespread maltreat 
ment of babies are only in part the toxins 
we already recognize—drugs, alcohol 
and tobacco. The past three decades 
bring to light a range of more-subtle tox- 
ins influencing our children’s car 
development: chronic stress, chronic 
parental depression, neglect or lack of 
stimulation necessary for normal brain 
development, early loss of primary rela- 
tionships. These are the precursors of 
the growing epidemic of violence now 
coming to light in childhood and adoles- 
cence.” And, they add, “The parts of the 
brain responsible for judgment, impulse 
control and reality testing are dispropor- 
tionately impaired in this population, 
along with the capacity for empathy and 
the ability to accurately interpret the ac- 
tions and intentions of other people.” 

“To bring this home, I confess that the 
last sentence quoted describes me to 
some degree. 1 will not bore you with the 
details, but my earliest years were brutal 
in the extreme, and I have spent the rest 
of my life overcoming the damage done 
at that time. I can't prove it, but I know 
in my heart that we are pounded into 
strange shapes before we realize it. So 
until we protect our kids in their cribs, 
we will have more killings, more vio- 
lence, more sadness. 

Our future is in diapers today. Let us 
protect it and nurture it so we can have a 
brighter tomorrow. 


33 


Have you ever seen a grown man cry? 


Those who appreciate quality enjoy it responsibly. 


(©1996 CROWN ROYAL elMPORTED IN THE BOTTLE®BL ENOEO CANADIAN WHISKY+40% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME (80 PROOF)»JOSEPH F SEAGRAM & SONS. NEW YORK, NY 


hey...11's personal 


Making the Classic Vinaigrette 


A solad tossed with this dressing makes a perfect occompa- 
niment to steok ou poivre. Is simple to moke, so there's 
по reoson to use inferior manufoctured versions. The secret 
is in the proportions. In a bowl, pour three tablespoons of 
sofflower oil ond one toblespoon of unflavored red wine 
vinegor. Add salt ond freshly ground pepper. Then add one 
toblespoon of a strong, French-mode Dijon mustard. Using 
о whisk, blend the ingredients until the mixture stiffens 
slightly. Chill. When mixing o solad, never use more dress- 
ing thon you need (it takes only two or three tablespoonfuls 
fo coat o lorge heod of Romoine lettuce). Toss the salod in 
о bowl with о high У shape to ensure even cooting. 


Is Paris Renting? 
As anyone who has been to Paris knows, the City of Light is 

olso the city of over-the-top hotel rates. A room at the Ritz, 

for example, costs about $600 per night and suites are 

more than $1200. An olterna- 

tive is to live like o Parision and ge 

stoy in o privately owned ў B 
apartment. Since 1985 Paris 
Sejour Reservation has booked 
more thon 12,000 Americans 
into residences ot rotes that 
range from $95 per night for 
а studio on the Champs- 
Elysées to $300 and up for a 
three-bedroom in a romontic 
neighborhood (five-night 
minimum stay on all 
rentals). Most of PSR's 600 
privately owned apartments 
ore centrally located and all 
offer fully equipped 
kitchens, and TVs and 
phones. Loundry service, 
housekeeping, o 24-hour 
emergency hotline and o 
concierge are ovailable, - 
as are fax and onswering mo- y 
chines and other equipment. PSR's Web site, ot www.gcon 
line.com/parispsr, provides photos, floor plons ond descrip- 

tions plus information on the neighborhoods. For ап extra | 
chorge, a chouffeur will meet you at Orly airport and trons- 

port you to PSR's headquorters to pick up your key en route 

to your oportment. Call PSR-USA in Chicago at 312-587-7707. 


GMC Plays an Ace 


According to brond monager Jim Kornas, the 
new Sierro Ace (pictured here in concept vehi- 
cle form) "will set a new standord for full-size 
pickups os we enter the 21st century." Stay 
tuned. The Ace's corgo bed is flonked by twin 
chrome rails, ond the cargo box has three sep- 
arate compartments. A hard tonneau covers 
the bed. Under the hood is a Vortec 5.3-liter 


V8 engineered to deliver maximum torque есг- 
ly, making it fost off the line and a strong con- 
tender if you're ever in о stump-pulling contest. 
The rear seot is easy to enter ond to exit from, 
ond there are cup holders and heating ond oir- 
conditioning ducts bock there, too. Along with 
other refinements, the instrument cluster moni- 
tors 19 functions including the tronsmission 
temperoture. Most unusuol, the Ace has two 
covered power sockets as well os а lighter. 


36 


Duane Martin 
Duane Martin, star of the 
Fox sitcom Getting 
Personal, shares the fash- 
ion style of his character, 
Milo Doucette. He calls it 
“casual and conservative 
but with а twist, like bacon, 
lettuce and tomato ona 
croissant.” Armani is the 
designer the Brooklyn no- 
tive likes best off the rack. 
Martin wos a bosketball 
star ot NYU, and he feels that Armani's line is cut perfectly 
for his athletic body. He also likes blue Girbaud jeans 
topped by a white French Connection shirt with epaulets. 
Martin's shoe collection comprises at least 100 pairs, with 
his favorite pair from Rinaldi on Melrose in Los Angeles: 
black leather boots with inside zippers and three-inch 
heels. The square toe has an “Eddie Munster widow's peak 
cut into the design.” And whenever Martin finds a greot- 
looking pair of blue shoes, he buys them. 


= — 1 


How to Build a Clambake 


New Englanders figured out a long time ago that a clambake is 
the best way to entertain a large group of people on the beach 
Dig a pit and line it with stones, light a fire in the pit ond let it 
burn down to the coals. Assemble the ingredients according to the 
blueprint above and let steam for up to 90 minutes. If you want to 
create a dambake in the city, use а steel washtub. 


Porsche, 
Vou Suck 


Bragging that yau just bought a 
Porsche-designed vacuum cleaner may 
not have the cachet of owning a Boxster, 
but give it a try. Actually, Samsung man- 
ufactures the VAC-9068G canister vacu- 
um pictured here, but Porsche Design is 
responsible for the sleek, metallic gray 
body that’s scratch resistant. The su- 
perquiet 12-amp unit has a five-stage 
filter system, automatic cord rewinder, 
tool storage area and, of course, terrific 
suction. It costs about $250. Call 800- 
SO-SIMPLE for more information. - - 


High Gamp: Get to the Point 
Between 1B70 and 1930, it was fashionable for men of 
wealth to build family vacation homes in the Adirondack 
Mountains of upstate New York. These great camps, as 
they were called, were designed to blend in with the 
magnificent natural surroundings as well as to provide 
opulent comfort for the owners. Few have survived, but 
the camp built by William Rockefeller on the western shore of Upper Saranac Lake is 
now one of the most highly regarded resorts in the U.S. The Point has 11 luxurious 
guest rooms in its several buildings, each with individual character and appeal. The 
executive chef and his staff trained under three-star Michelin chef Albert Roux. 
The Point combines first-rate service and facilities with coziness опа privacy. It’s a 
wonderful getaway in any season and especially appropriate for those who want 
to see the fall colors in elegant surroundings. Call 800-255-3530. 


KINETIC 
Someday oll wolches will be made this way. 


SES 


www.SelkoUSA.com 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


The other night I was with a woman on 
our second date. Our first date had gone 
well, and I suspected we might end up in 
bed. My penis sometimes balks, so I 
brought along a Viagra pill as insurance. 
We started kissing passionately as soon 
as we stepped inside her apartment. It 
was developing into one of those scenes 
in a movie, where there's a trail of 
clothing leading to the bedroom. But I 
couldn't figure out how to get the Viagra 
into my mouth. I needed to act prompt- 
ly or risk working with a less-than-rigid 
penis. I reached into my pocket and fin- 
gered the pill, then held her close and 
popped it behind her back. What is the 
etiquette in a situation like this?—PR., 
Nashville, Tennessee 

Your er sfunction will need to be 
discussed ious relationship develops, 
but by then your new lover may offer to pay 
for your prescription. (We suspect most wom- 
en don't care so much how an erection gets 
started, as long as it does.) In your situation, 
the timing involved seems like more of a 
challenge than getting the pill into your 
mouth. If you take the pill too early, say dur- 
ing dessert, and get caught, you could end 
up alone. “You're planning to fuck me in 60 
minutes? Fat chance.” If you wait until the 
last minute, as you did, you'll need to occupy 
her for an hour until the drug kicks in. We 
suggest a marathon session of cunnilingus— 
it keeps your penis out of her line of sight 
and may work better than Viagra to get you 
invited back 


МІ, husband, who is 53, isn't able to 
get anything more than what I call a 
“pouty” erection. Now he’s gung-ho 
about Viagra. Гт worried about him. It 
seems to me his erection problem is like 
an athletic injury—if you take painkillers 
so you can keep playing tennis, you may 
not feel the pain if the injury is aggrav. 
ed. What might be causing his proble: 
I wish he'd see his doctor for more than 
pills.—R.%., Boise, Idaho 

Your husband's oldest friend may be warn- 
ing him of more-serious problems: hyperten- 
sion, diabetes, high cholesterol, or the need to 
cut bach on the smokes. Some researchers be- 
lieve middle-aged men with erectile problems 
may le the same men who later have heart 
attacks or develop cardiovascular disease. Is 
erectile dysfunction a predictor of early 
death? Possibly. For many men, Viagra treats 
ymptom. We hope they don't ignore the 
disease. 


IM, husband has been on Viagra for 
two months. The other day I opened his 
bottle and poured the pills into my hand 
to see what they look like. There were 
three missing. That is, he had a prescrip- 
tion filled for 20 pills, and we've bad sex 
cight times since, but there were only 


nine pills in the bottle. Should I confront 
him about it? Do you think he's cheating 
on me?—R.P, Providence, Rhode Island 

There are other possibilities. Your hus- 
band may be using the pills to masturbate. 
Perhaps he lent a feu pills to a buddy (not 
recommended). Perhaps he downed two at 
once in a mistaken belief that they would 
work faster or give him more stamina. Per- 
haps he dropped one in the sink. Perhaps you 
have а nosy teenage son. That's not to say 
your husband couldn't be cheating on you. 
But we wouldn't cause a ruckus wilhout 
much-better evidence. 


Bye read a lot about Viagra, but few ar- 
ticles discuss the effects it has on women. 
Are doctors giving it to women? One of 
my friends says it makes women horn- 
ier—W.R., Trenton, New Jersey 

The FDA has approved Viagra only for 
men, but clinical trials are under way to de- 
termine its effect on women. As women age, 
many have the same problems with arousal 
that men do. Is all about blood flow. Just as 
blood fills the penis to create an erection, it 
rushes to a woman's genitals during arousal 
to engorge the clitoris and prompt lubrica- 
tion. Because Vi з side effects are rela- 
tively mild (the most common is headache), 
some physicians are willing to prescribe the 
drug to women who have trouble with lubri- 
cation or reaching orgasm. However, don't 
expect your doctor to hand you a prescription 
without doing a full exam or suggesting al- 
ternate therapies. In many cases, an art 
ficial lubricant such as Astroglide is as ef- 
fective as, and much less expensive than, 
Viagra for treating vaginal dryness. Many 
people mistakenly expect Viagra to work as 
an aphrodisiac. “The complaint I hear from 
women is that they've lost their desire for 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


sex,” says Dr. Domeena Renshaw, director of 
the Layola University Sexual Dysfunction 
Clinic near Chicago. “They want a desire 
pill, which doesn't exist. I tell them to use 
sexual fantasies as aphrodisiacs. Women 
need to start their own engines, nol wait for 
their partner or a pill to do it for them.” 


Which came first, the martini or marti- 
ni glass?—R.T., Honolulu, Hawaii 

of course. It evolved from 
drinks concocted in the 1870s (notably 
the manhattan) after imported vermouth 
reached American bartenders. The stemmed, 
straight-flared martini glass, modeled after 
a saucer-shaped champagne glass, appeared 
about 50 years later, It’s one of those rare 
glasses designed for a specific drink, 


IM, girlfriend and 1 have been togeth- 
er for two years. We have a great time in 
bed. She’s even asked to watch me mas- 
turbate. That's why I was puzzled when 
we watched a porn movie together for 
the first time. | chose the dirtiest video 
from my collection, but it didn’t turn her 
on. She started complaining how the ac- 
tress needed to trim her pubic hair, and 
she talked about a scar on the woman's 
stomach and what kind of operation it 
must have been. Eventually, she started 
laughing. She turned to me and said, 
“You masturbate to an ugly broad like 
that?” Are all women like this when they 
watch porn, oris my girlfriend an excep- 
tion?—Y.S., Tokyo, Japan 

We like a woman with a critical eye. After 
all, most porn is dull and unerotic. Don't 
take it so seriously. Next time, let her choose 
the tape (preferably from a rental store, 
which will have more variety) and give her 
control of the rewind and fast-forward but- 
tons. The scenes she watches most intently 
will reveal a lot about what turns her on. 
Don’t make any snide comments. Instead, 
ask what she enjoyed about a particular 
scene, or how she would have improved it. 
Beller yet, encourage her to make a video for 
you. That шау you won't be siuck masturbat- 
ing to “ugly broads.” 


List month someone stole my sports 
utility vehicle—apparently the factory 
antitheft system was not a deterrent. 
Now I'm looking for an after-market sys- 
tem for my new vehicle. The advice I've 
heard is that “nothing will stop the pros, 
so don't bother.” Should I keep my in- 
surance premiums paid up and forget 
about security devices?—G.F, Cleve- 
land, Ohio 

The pros will find а шау to take your car 
if they want it badly enough, but let's make 
the bastards work for it. The least that you 
can do is add a steering wheel lock; the most 
ou can do is install a sophisticated alarm 


39 


РАМА Seb Ory 


system. Expect to pay $300 to $500 for 
dealer-installed protection. We recommend 
a system that disables the starter and in- 
cludes adjustable sensors to minimize false 
alarms (especially if you move to our neigh- 
borhood). There are also gizmos to help you 
recover your stolen car. As PLAYBOY reported 
in May, RoadTrac (800-708-1170) lets you 
track your vehicle via your computer. The 
police might find that helpful. Or check out 
Motorola’s Command Link pager (800-554- 
4053). Among other functions, it allows you 
to phone a toll-free number and instruct 
your car to honk the horn, flash the lights, 
lock the doors and, as soon as the thief turns 
off the engine, disable the starter. Wouldn't it 
be fun to make that call? 


(Ore of my turn-ons is to be bound and 
gagged. With my husband due home 
from work in half an hour and my 
teenage daughters at a sleepover, I had a 
girlfriend tie me up (fully clothed) and 
leave me in a kitchen chair. My husband 
was late, but after 45 minutes my daugh- 
ters appeared. Their sleepover had been 
canceled. After they untied me I told 
them their father and I were playing a 
game. They seemed to accept that but 
could they now think I'm weird? Should 
I attempt a better explanation?—L 
Philadelphia, Pennsylva 

All teenagers think their parents are 
weird; you just confirmed it for your daugh- 
ters. We like your explanation, and it's none 
of their business beyond what you offered 
anyway. But take a lesson from your misad- 
venture: It’s never a good idea to be tied up 
and left alone. Bondage requires safeguards, 
including supervision and “safe wards” or 
signals. Your girlfriend should have hung 
around until your husband returned, even if 
she had one foot out the door. You should al- 
so send your daughters to camp. 


А few weeks ago I landed my first man- 
agerial job. I own two suits. Is it OK to 
alternate the suits and change shirts and 
ties? Or do I need a different suit for 
cach day?—J.C., Atlanta, Georgia 

Declare every day casual day and you 
won't have problems with your clothes or 
your staff. If you haven't achieved that lev- 
el of power, expand your wardrobe with 
two sports jackets and three pairs of slacks. 
Combined with your suits, this should offer 
enough variety. Add a few new shirts and 
ties each season to freshen your look. As you 
mix and match, remember to have your suits 
cleaned as one piece. 


IM, sex drive has diminished steadily 


having to perform sexually when all I 
wanted was a good night's sleep. My 
husband showed me the letter in April 
from the man who likes nail polish, and 
confessed to a similar fascination. Now I 
can take care of his needs in about 15 


40 minutes by letting him do my nails while 


I talk dirty to him, after which I jerk him 
off. He claims to prefer this to my less- 
than-inspired sexual responses when I 
am tired or bored. 1 also make him do 
the dishes and dean the bathroom in ex- 
change for sexual favors—he wouldn't 
want me to chip my nails. I have a mar- 
ried friend who complains of a dimin- 
ished interest in sex. Should I share our 
secret? I'm afraid my husband might be. 
embarrassed.—K.B., Chicago, Illinois 

You don't need to dish every detail to your 
girlfriend —just explain that your husband's 
handiwork adds color to your foreplay. Man- 
side, we're concerned about your lack 
of desire. It is wonderfully generous of you 
to fulfill your husband's desires, but this 
shouldn't be a chore. As Dr. Renshaw noted 
сайт, developing and acting on your own 
fantasies is hey. When you're talking dirty to 
your husband, tell him what you'd like him to 
do with you. Then give him a more erotic as- 
signment than housework, Instead of doing 
the dishes, for example, he could bathe and 
dry you. (For help developing a richer fanta- 
sy life, pick up a copy of “In the Garden of 
Desire: Women’s Sexual Fantasies as a Gate- 
way to Passion and Pleasure,” by Wendy 
Май: and Suzie Boss.) We also recommend. 
experimenting with a vibrator. If you're ofien 
tired when your husband makes his move, 
reschedule the sex. Who says you have to 
make love before you fall asleep? Fuck each 
other after work. Share a few nooners. Screw 
after church. Ask your husband to coax you. 
to sleep with a long rubdown, then wake you 
up with his tongue in the morning. Work to- 
gether to shake things up. 


The letter in May from the guy who 
asked what scents turn on a woman de- 
serves comment. Despite the study you 
cited in your response, the smell of 
licorice and cucumber doesn't make me 
horny, and I hate baby powder. Howe 
er, I do get aroused by these colognes: 
Davidoff Cool Water, Jovan Ginseng 
Nrg, Curve for Men and Clinique for 
Men. Another thing that turns me on is 
an attractive man in a freshly washed 
thermal shirt and jeans, preferably 
washed in Dynamo 2. And guys, if you 
can work in a hug or put an arm around 
her shoulder, your scent will rub off on 
her hair or clothing. That way she'll 
keep thinking about you—L.S., Brick, 
New Jersey 
We always try to smell like money. 


В understand that any Web site you visit 
is stored on your hard drive. I've heard 
of people being fired because they ac- 
cessed non-work-related sites. Is there a 
way to erase these Net tracks?—R.S., 
Casper, Wyoming 

Your browser stores the pages you doun- 
load to speed things up if you revisit a site. 
As a precaution, clear your disk cache at 
least once a day (choose “preferences” or 
“options” and find the “clear disk cache” 
button). However, that won't ensure privacy. 


Your employer may have network software 
that tracks which sites you visit and how 
much time you spend online. The software 
also may block “undesirable” pages, allow 
managers to read your e-mail and even 
count how many times you click your mouse 
Employers say these measures are necessary 
to prevent data traffic jams, improve produc- 
tivity and avoid legal problems. But screw- 
offs existed long before the Net, and the most 
productive workers take regular stress 
breaks. Find out if your employer has an In- 
lernet usage policy, and be prudent about 
what you download or send at work. If it’s 
any consolation, Playboy restricts what its 
employees access on the Web. We can only 
visit sex sites. 


IM, wife weighs around 95 pounds. 
When we make love, she asks me to take 
the missionary position and then com- 
plains about my weight (185 pounds). 1 
find myself holding myself up with my 
arms and knees. When we finish, I'm ex- 
hausted and neither of us is satisfied. Are 
there any contraptions that would allow 
us to try different positions without all 
the strain on my arms and our mar- 
riage?—D.R., Seattle, Was! 

Can you say “woman on top"? “Spoons”? 
“Doggie style"? “Up against the wall"? If a 
quick glance at “The Joy of Sex” won't solve 
the problem, consider bringing in the heavy 
equipment, Check out the Bungee Sexperi- 
ence, available from Cords Unlimited (888- 
828-6433) for about $300. You сап see pho- 
los online al bungeesex.com or in the “Year 
in Sex” feature in our January issue. Anoth- 
er option is the adjustable Love Table manu- 
Jactured by Body Care Products (619-465- 
5566). Constructed of birch and vinyl, it 
resembles a padded massage table and fea- 
tures a “rocking torso" that allows for “pre- 
cise control of angle, speed and depth of in- 
tercourse.” Prices start at $995. Finally, 
contact Kinky Joe’s Erotic Furniture (800- 
705-4659, or kinkyjoe.com) for information 
on the Multi-Position Siair Sofa ($1550), 
the Bend-Over Chair ($275) and other con- 
traptions. By the time you finish shopping, 
you may need another bedroom. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereos and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes а 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad- 
visor@playboy.com (because of volume, we 
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Looh 
Jor responses to our most frequently asked 
questions al www.playboy.com/faq, and 
check out the Advisor's latest collection of sex 
tricks, “365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life" 
(Plume), available in bookstores or by phon- 
ing 800-423-9494. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


THE PLAYBOY PILL 


great news for the millennium 


he phones started ringing the 

last week of April. The subject 
was Viagra, and for a while it seemed 
that every reporter in America want- 
ed PLAYBOY's opinion of Pfizer's cure 
for impotence. 

Pfizer had offered Viagra as a spe- 
cific cure for a specific ailment. But 
word of mouth carried a different 
kind of news than the clinical trials 
gave us. This was a “quality of life” 
drug. Viagra was as close to a foun- 
tain of youth—at least one that reach- 
es as high as the pelvis—as science 
had found. 

Over the years, this magazine has 
received hundreds of letters from 
men who, as they aged, found that 
while they still could be easi- 
ly aroused, their erections were 
no longer as firm, their ejacula- 
tions no longer able to clear the 
headboard. 

Before Viagra, The Playboy Ad- 
visor (and most doctors) had to 
give the prevailing wisdom to 
men obsessed with penile perfor- 
mance: Adapt. Your tongue is 
still warm. Your hands know how 
to play. Go with the flow, or lack 
of it, 

But the response to Viagra 
suggested that penile anxiety lay 
bone deep. Finally, here was a 
pill to correct the aging willies, 
and the interest in its results was 
staggering. 

PLAYBOY editors found them- 
selyes talking about men and 
women and the new pill on radio 
and TV. The topic was not impo- 
tence but male sexuality. That's 
not surprising, given that the maga- 
zine is unabashedly about the power 
of beauty to arouse. We took it as a 
hopeful sign at the dawn of the new 
millennium. 

The penis is back. 

The Sixties put the clitoris stage 
center. Feminists attacked the myth of 
the vaginal orgasm, Freud's notion 
that a “mature” woman could come 
only from penetration. The penis had 
been symbolic of male oppression. Af- 
ter 30 years of clitoral tyranny, mil- 
lions of hours of cunnilingus and bat- 
tery-assisted orgasm, Viagra offered a 
return to phallic-centered sex, the 


great god Cock. Was it any wonder 
reporters were calling PLAYBOY? 

‘There was something poetic about 
a pill chat played with the blood tide, 
that facilitated arousal, that had all 
America saying “vasocongestion.” To 
the public mind, Viagra was D.H. 
Lawrence in a bottle. 

Norman Mailer once said that an 
erection was grace under pressure. 
Now we had access to grace at $10 a 
pill. But Viagra also shored up the 
central fact of male sexuality: An 
erection is a form of enthusiasm, a 
compliment. It is male plumage. It is 
our courtship display, our antlers. It 
is the hardware, and no amount of 
politically correct brainwashing has 


changed that. A stiff prick has no 
conscience, it was said, and a limp 
dick doesn't need one. Clit envy? 
Never heard of it. Gloria Steinem and 
the Queen Kongs of feminism liked 
to boast that assertive women had 
provoked a wave of impotence. But 
we knew that was bullshit. We also 
knew that women did not want an 
Alan Alda or a Phil Donahue. 

In the Seventies, women's maga- 
zines wrote about the joy of having af- 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


fairs with younger men. Boys were 
malleable. They had no baggage. 
And, said one, "It's like making love 
to wrought iron." 

Viagra weds wrought iron with wis- 
dom, the tumescence of youth with 
the talent of dirty old men. 

Viagra—like the Monica-Bill caper 
or the Hugh Grant-Divine Brown 
merger before, became the topic du 
jour. (What follows is a sampling of 
the national reaction.) Editors played 
with punch lines. Who needs Viagra: 
Ken Starr. Who doesn't: Bill Clinton. 
Letterman needs it. Leno doesn't. 
Leonardo DiCaprio needs it. Jack 
Nicholson doesn't. Barbara Walters 
needs it. Demi Moore doesn't. Bill 

Bennett needs it. Bob Bennett 
doesn't. 

We pictured how different sit- 
coms would handle the drug. 
Would Seinfeld have devoted an 
episode to whether a date was Vi- 
agra-worthy? Would ER tackle 
priapism or Viagra headaches? 
How long before Viagra worked 
its way into a soap opera plotline 
(wife finds the drug in husband’s 
sock drawer, suspects the worst) 
The season finale of NYPD was 
the first prime-time show to work 
Viagra into the script, restoring 
potency to Detective Andy Sipo- 
wicz, as real a man as ever walked 
a TV beat. 

We listened to the women who 
called talk shows to ask about 
morning-after erections. The ac- 
tive ingredient in Viagra is out of 
the body in eight hours, but cou- 
ples were rediscovering the most 

ancient and youthful of aphrodisiacs: 
Ability creates desire. Good sex leads 
to more good sex. And there's noth- 
ing like the memory of the night be- 
fore to set fire to the morning after. 

The pipeline hummmed with first- 
person testimonials. Susie Bright, a 
fearless sexual explorer and writer on 
the West Coast, called to say she had 
just taken the potency pill. It remind- 
ed us of phone calls in the Sixties, the 
we've-just-taken-acid-and-we're-on- 
our-way-to-the-zoo calls. When we 
checked back Bright she had a 
succinct report: "I felt a connection 
between my nipples and my clit that. 


al 


42 


is not normally there,” she said. “Al- 
so, the vasocongestion, the internal 
platform, was so firm I thought if I 
squeezed, my partner would faint. 
Other than that, my orgasm was the 
same.” 

The pill works for some men some 
of the time, but for others not at 
all. We noticed that men were not 
ashamed to admit use. Where birth 
control pills had given women con- 
trol of the middle third of their lives, 
Viagra gave men control of the last 
third. Both pills were indelibly linked 
to recreational sex. 

But for all the apparent good news, 
we also noticed that the conservative 
backlash was up and running. One 
doctor worried about Viagra circulat- 
ing among promgoers. A newspaper 
headline blared: THE FOUNTAIN OF 
YOUTH CARRIES RISK FOR SOME COUPLES; 
SEX CAN RUIN SOME RELATIONSHIPS. One 
feminist worried about a population 
explosion and insisted that Viagra he 
packaged with RU 486 (the abortion 
drug). One expert wondered if Vi- 
agra would undermine moral and 
medical authority. A New York wom- 
an wasted no time blaming Viagra for 
her marriage woes. When her 70-year- 
old common-law husband left her for 
another woman four days after filling 
his first Viagra prescription, she sued 
him for $2 million plus emotional 
damages. “Have you ever heard of an 
inanimate object breaking up a mar- 
riage?” asked the man’s lawyer. “Why 
don't you blame short skirts or per- 
fume?” Media outlets re- 
ported that half a dozen 
men had died using Viagra. 
(Follow-up reports indicat- 
ed a false alarm. Four of the 
six men had not taken Viag- 
ra. One had a heart attack.) 

Insurance companies were 
the first to balk at the idea of 
unleashed male sexuality. 
Some insurers announced 
they would cover only six 
pills a month. Anything be- 
yond that would be an elec- 
tive erection. The mayor of 
New York hinted at a crack- 
down on black-market Viagra, 
and burglars broke into a Cali- 
fornia lab to steal the pills. 
When Bob Dole announced he 
had been a patient in the original 
trial of the drug we wondered at his 
frankness. Would Viagra become a 
political litmus test? 

Imagine a candidate saying, “I ex- 
perimented once with Viagra. But I 
didn’t insert.” 


THE 


THE GOOD 
“I was flabber- 
gasted and a bit 
gloomy because 
the test results 
were so phe- 
nomenal, I 
thought, My 
God, there 
goes my job. 
Maybe it's 
time to go to 
school for 
something 
else.”—Dr. J. 
FRANGOIS EID, 
DIRECTOR OF THE SEXUAL FUNCTION CEN- 
TER AT THE NEW YORK HOSPITAL-CORNELL 
MEDICAL CENTER, AFTER RUNNING SEVERAL 
VIAGRA TESTS FOR PFIZER 


"Cheap gas, a strong economy, erec- 
tion pills—what a country! What a time 
to be alive!" —BRUCE HANDY, Time 


"We've been inundated with emer- 
gencies. But when they get in here, 
they just want to ask us about Viagra. 
Its amazing. These people have been 
impotent for three years, and they can- 
not wait another few days.”—DR. RAMON 
PEREZ OF THE UROLOCY 


HEALTH CENTER IN 
PORT RICHEY, FLORIDA, ON PATIENTS TRY- 
ING TO HURDLE THE ONE-MONTH WAIT FOR 
А VIAGRA CONSULTATION 


“Why not just put it in the water sup- 
ply?"—Newsueek 


VIAGRA 


“I have a friend who's a pharma- 
cist. 1 pay $7 a pill."—man BOASTING, IN 
Newsweek 


“The zeitgeist of our generation is 
probably sex. It must be—it was on the 
cover of Time this week."—DR. SIMON 
MILLS, Irish Medical Times 


THE BAD 

“The erection is the last gasp of mod- 
ern manhood. If men can't continue to 
produce erections, they’re going to 
evolve themselves right out of the hu- 
man race. . . . Viagra is like the steel 
they would get if they were at war."— 
CAMILLE PAGLIA, IN Time 


“They'll take the pill and get a hard- 
оп. So what are they going to do with 
it? They'll take one look at the woman 
they've been married to for 50 years 
and immediately lose it. What these 
guys need is nota pill but an 18-year- 
old girl.”—so1 SCHNEIDER, 73,1N The New 
York Times 


“We are a highly sexual, promiscu- 
‘ous society, and this pill may be send- 

ing a wrong message to phi- 
Janderers.”—CARMEN FATE, 
PRESIDENT, CONCERNED WOM- 
EN FOR AMERICA 


“Just when women 
thought the day was al- 
most here when Mr. Man 
would poop out before 
the 10 o'clock news end- 
ed, leaving them free— 
for once—to read until 
they're ready to turn off 
the light, along comes a 
pill that will get him 
worked up a lot more 
often, and for a lot 
longer."—MARY MITCH- 
ELL, Chicago Sun- 
Times 


“An unscientific poll of my girl- 
friends found that they would rather 
have a pill that could change a man's 
personality an hour after sex. A pill 
that ensures that he always calls the 
next day and never gets spooked.” — 
MAUREEN DOWD, The New York Times 


6 STAND-UP VIAGRA 
Pfizer is about to announce a new Vi- 
agra wafer that works in two minutes 
instead of the one hour required by the 
pill. The wafer will be marketed under 
the trademark the Nooky Cookie.” 


C6 реет says that Vi- 
agra is supposed to 
be taken about an 
hour before sexual 
activity. The only 
person who knows 
an hour in advance 
that a man is going 
to have sex is the 
woman.” 
— JAY LENO 


Y 


66 some peo- 
ple taking the 
new impoten- 
cy drug, Viagra, 
are complaining 
that they now 
see everything 
with a bluish ti 
So, basically, Vi- 
agra makes you 
able to function again, but you think 
you're having sex with a Smurf.” 

—CONAN O'BRIEN 


66 viagra. You know 
what that is—Mrs. 
Larry King’s worst 
nightmare.” 
—DAVID 


661. bragging 
to say that I don't 
need Viagra?” 

—LARRY KING 


SCRAPBOOK 


THE FINE PRINT 


"I am a man of steel. I will not be afraid of 
failure. My erection will be successful even 
though I have failed before. My Viagra will 
help me overcome my mental and/or physi- 


cal dysfunction.” 


— PASSAGE FROM ErectionVision, A“VIAGRA-EN- 
HANCED" TAPE PRODUCED BY HYPNOVISION FOR MEN 


SUFFERING FROM IMPOTENCE 


the world reacts to 
the magic blue pill 


KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: 


SUSIE BRIGHT ASKS FOUR GUYS ABOUT VIAGRA 


From “Salom,” an online magazine: 


“I usually participate in getting an 
erection, touching it or squeezing my 
PC muscle. But with the pill, I just sat 
back and watched. In a way it was like I 
was watching my penis and my lover 
having a good time. I was a little sepa- 
rated from it, which distressed her. Of 
course, she wanted me to be totally 
present. But I think it's because this is 
all so new, it's a new world, and I don't 
yet know how to be more casual, more 
comfortable with it.” 

—EROTICA AUTHOR, 53 


“Yeah, I tried it, and I still can’t be- 
lieve it. It’s like being a fat person all 
your life and overnight you turn into 
Kate Moss. You can't believe it. You 
keep touching it like it’s not yours. Can 
this really be me?” 

—CATERING MANAGER, 49 


“Have you noticed gay men either 
don't have so many impo- 
tence problems, or don't 
talk about them at all in 
public? Partly because the 
mechanics of gay sex don't 
always require an erec- 
tion. ... It would be (I re- 
member, it is) exhausting 
to have to show hard all 
through a long session. 
And excuse me, but cock 
rings make the member 
about as sexy as blood 
sausage after a while.” 

— CARTER WILSON, 56, 
NOVELIST, PROFESSOR 


“I don't know any- 
one on it or who has 


taken it and I never have taken it. I 
guess on the more meta level it makes 
me wonder what the future holds for 
me and all men. My experience is that 
when I get turned on, I get a hard-on. 
I sometimes get a hard-on when I don't 
feel turned on or when I don't want to 
be turned on, but the reverse rarely 
happens. So, what is the nature of the 
problem of all of these men who can't 
get hard when they want to? Is it really 
Just an organic (physical) problem or 
are they all so preoccupied that they 
aren't turned on in situations where 
they are supposed to be? 

"If these men are finding themselves 
through this drug, I worry about their 
partners. They're in for an endless 
dose of the old in-and-out when proba- 
bly they would much more appreciate 
a good tonguing or fingering. So, is the 
bottom line hard dick equals ‘we're 
having sex now’ while soft dick equals 
"we're not having sex’? Maybe I just 
don't know enough to understand why 
this is such a panacea.” 

— CITY COUNCILMAN, 52 


FOR THE 


THANK Gop) 


43 


44 


THE VIAGRA SCRAPBOOK 


Daily trading volume of Pfizer stock in million Ë share units 


1/25/97 3/23/98 4/21/98 


THE VALUE OF AN ERECTION 
July 1997 

IMPOTENT MEN TEST NEW DRUG FROM U.S.—South China Morning Post 
(July 25 daily volume: 12 million) ($59) 


March 1998 


PFIZER'S MALE POTENCY TREATMENT COULD BE “THE FULL MONTY"—The European 
(March 23 daily volume: 8.4 million) ($96) 

April 1998 

A STAMPEDE IS ON FOR IMPOTENCE PILL—The Wall Street Journal 

(April 21 daily volume: 13.8 million) ($116) 


May 1998 
SETBACK FOR PFIZER AFTER SIX DIE—Financial Times 
(May 26 daily volume: 6.3 million) ($103) 


AN OFFER WE COULDN’T REFUSE 
“Will wade my Viagra for good Detroit tickets.” 
—USENET POSTING FROM DIEHARD HOCKEY FAN 


WHEN IT RAINS, IT METAPHORS 
“I envision a horde of men pogo-sticking their way across this great land—and 
women everywhere locking themselves in storm cellars, waiting for the Viagra 
Hour to pass."—TONY KORNHEISER The Washington Post 


“Men have gained this magical new tool with which to hoist their masts just as 
the reproductive sciences sail off into the uncharted waters of test tubes and 
cloning, leaving the poor guys back at the dock.”—DEBRA GOLDMAN, Adweek 


LITERARY VIAGRA 

“He was pressing his crotch into mine, and I could feel the tremendous 
size and length of his cock—it was engorged, longer and thicker than I'd 
ever known him to be. 

“Sensing my shock, Brady pulled back, tore his mouth away, stuck his 
tongue in my ear, nibbling and sucking, then whispering huskily, ‘I’m using 
something, Viagra, a new drug to get hard and keep it this way. Hell, baby, 
1 used to use injections, pellets that had to be inserted into the end of my 
penis and mechanical pumps. Now, just the drug, and I'm like this, ready 
and riding this hard-on for a long weekend." 

“I didn't know what to say—I'd heard of the new drug to treat impo- 
tence, but to use it for sheer pleasure alone?" 

— EROTIC FICTION WRITTEN BY “MAGICIAN” AND POSTED TO THE WEB THREE 
WEEKS AFTER THE FDA APPROVED VIAGRA 


LONG MAY IT WAVE 

"As a 46-year-old heterosexual male, 
married in the Clintonian sense, I've 
been asking my friends, ei- 
ther outright or indirectly, 
depending on the nature of 
the friendship, whether they 
have tried Viagra. I have, 
and I swear it will be the 
recreational drug of the 
millennium. 

"Viagra gives a hard- 
on like a telephone 
pole, not just big in 
length and diameter 
but long-lasting and 
somehow very intuitive 
and natural in the ex- 
perience. After Viagraing 
last night (the woman was my 
wife, and we finally connected 
not only physically but emotionally), 
I lay back and said out loud, “This is a 
wonderful country. This is a great time 
to be alive.’ My wife is Chinese, and we 
had a long talk about how Chinese 
herbalists, with their tigers’ penises and 
rhinoceros-horn powders, have tried 
to find remedies like this for centuries. 
But they failed. We have succeeded. It 
makes me proud to be an American.” 
—ROY, A TRUE BELIEVER 


TORE-BOUGH T 
RECTIONS 


is that a prescription in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? 


T ake all the predictions of Jules 
Verne, Nostradamus and Ray 
Bradbury. Throw in the scary 
prophecies of TV cvangelists, the best 
scammers of the Psychic Friends Net- 
work and, just for fun, Nancy Reagan's 
astrologer. 

None of these visionaries or sooth- 
sayers predicted one of the biggest 
medical breakthroughs of our age. 

It's a pill that can make a man erect. 
Half an hour after taking it, his penis 
engorges with blood and he is hard. 

As a sex therapist, 1 have some pre- 
dictions of my own. Most of them are 
not pretty. 

‘To be fair, the pill, Viagra, 
will be good news for some 
people: elderly couples who 
miss having intercourse, dia- 
betics, people with neurologi- 
cal problems, infertile couples, 
virgins in their 30s and 40s 
who have been too anxious to 
manage their first intercourse. 
People struggling with the 
sexual side effects of antide- 
pressants, chemotherapy and 
other treatments may also be 
helped. 

‘These are the people who 
will benefit most from the 
drug, those for whom it was 
ostensibly intended. And they 
will comprise at least one per- 
cent of the users of the drug. 
It’s the other 99 percent I'm 
concerned about. 

A lot can go wrong with a 
store-bought erection, Not 
with the erection itself but 
with the person attached to it. 
And with the relationship in which it 
is used. 

Before the black market in this pill is 
firmly established, let me issue a few 
warnings. In my 17 years asa sex ther- 
apist, I've seen few erection problems. 
I've seen relationship problems; reli- 
gious problems; guilt, shame, anger 
and anxiety problems; trauma, vio- 
lence and alcohol problems. These are 
often accompanied by impotence. And 
while a pill may create the missing 
erection, it won't solve the real prob- 
lems. In fact, it will actually highlight 
problems that people haven't wanted 


By MARTY KLEIN 


to confront. Couples who are not hav- 
ing sex because they don't enjoy it 
with each other won't have the “we 
can't” excuse. Men who aren't having 
sex because they want to leave a rela- 
tionship won't have the "I can't" ex- 
cuse. Insecure wives will suddenly ac- 
cuse meck husbands of having affairs, 
now that they "can." In some unhappy 
households, men will chase their part- 
ners around, waving their new toys, 
wanting sex now. Again. In other un- 
happy households, women will beg 
their partners to get a prescription 


“so we can finally have sex after all 
these years.” 

In a dramatic turnaround of their 
post-HMO reputations, doctors will 
once again be popular—at least for a 
while. At first, many will liberally pre- 
scribe the pill. Most will do virtually no 
interviewing, won't ask to speak with 
the man's partner, won't counsel him 
on recreational uses, will not inquire 
about his overall sexual stability and 
self-image. Few will ask, “Will you tell 
your partner you're using this?” For 
any given man, honesty about taking 
the drug will be one of the best predic- 


tors of the drug’s success. 

Guys will discover the drug's limita- 
tions—fast. It can overcome anxiety, 
but not a lack of desire. Many penises 
will continue to speak loudly with their 
refusal to budge under pressure. Oth- 
er men will be able to get hard without 
desire, but then they'll face an existen- 
tial challenge that would stymie Buber 
or Kant: dealing with the difference be- 
tween desire and arousal. 

Their heads reeling from that, men 
will face other questions: What, now, 
makes me a man? What exactly am I 
needed for in a sexual situation? Am I 
any different from a dildo with a credit 
card? Is there any difference 
between a quick-and-easy erec- 
tion and an old-fashioned one? 

Women will be affected in 
strange ways, too. Wives will 
commiserate about being sore 
because their mates wouldn't 
quit after more than a decent 
amount of stroking. At the end 
of the day, women will puzzle 
over new ways to feel validat- 
ed, now that an erection is no 
longer reliable evidence that 
they are attractive or loved. 
And women's magazines will 
run articles that ponder “how 
to tell if he’s hard from you or 
the pharmacist.” 

Ironically and unintention- 
ally, the new erection pill rep- 
resents our uniquely torment- 
ed time: It can provide ability 
without feeling, orgasm with- 
out joy, virility without connec- 
tion. This won't be true for 
every user, of course. But for 
men who use it as a singles-bar talis- 
man, backup insurance for unresolved 
psychosexual struggles or a way of 
avoiding uncomfortable marital con- 
versation, the pill will create at least as 
many problems as it solves. 

What will men, women and couples 
do when the magic pill doesn’t fix their 
sexual difficulties? It's kind of like feel- 
ing restless after you've moved to Cali- 
fornia. "There's no “new frontier" out 
there. The new frontier is internal, the 
place of emotions and self-examina- 
tion. For too many people, it's a no- 
where land. 


45 


46 


FEMA RESPONDS 
In your June issue, you fea- 
tured a cynical article on the 
Federal Emergency Manage- 
ment Agency (“The Unnatural 
Disaster,” The Playboy Forum). In 
it, author James Bovard asserts 
that disaster assistance is used 
only as a political tool that re- 
duces individual responsibility. 
What a jaundiced view of one 
of the federal government's 
primary missions—to assist 
Americans in times of need. 

Bovard is particularly con- 
temptuous of FEMA's aid to 
disaster victims he dismissively 
considers to have suffered only 
aches and pains. Among his 
more ludicrous claims is that 
our agency recruits victims to 
apply for assistance when it is 
undeserved. FEMA assistance 
programs are available to all 
residents of a federally de- 
clared disaster area, and the 
agency determines the eligibili- 
ty of cach applicant who sccks 
aid. Just because we request 
that everyone call a registration 
hotline does not mean every 
person who does so will receive 
assistance. 

Federal declarations for snow 
events seem to send Bovard in- 
to apoplectic fits. Blizzards and 
severe snowstorms were in- 
significant factors in declared 
disasters before President Clinton took 
office, and have been since. Of the 271 
major disaster and emergency declara- 
tions issued by Clinton, only 35 were 
for winter events classified as blizzards 
or severe snowstorms. And all but 
three of these declarations addressed 
the blizzards that paralyzed the East 
Coast in 1993 and 1996. 

With regard to our response to the 
Northridge earthquake, Bovard claims 
that FEMA made no attempt to recover 
funds for repair costs provided to inel- 
igible homeowners. Because of the un- 
precedented severity of the Northridge 
earthquake, FEMA provided $143 mil- 
lion in fast-track assistance to approx- 
imately 48,000 southern California 
residents in communities close to the 
epicenter. FEMA conducted inspec- 
tions of each residence and discovered 
that only ten percent of those who 
received assistance were ineligible. 


FEMA demanded the funds be re- 


FOR THE RECORD. 


LOUNGE ACT 


“It takes something special to get me out of 
my pajamas,” 
— PLAYBOY FOUNDER AND EDITOR-IN-CHIEF HUGH 
М. HEFNER ON HIS INDUCTION INTO THE AMERI- 

GAN SOCIETY OF MAGAZINE EDITORS’ HALLOF FAME 


turned, and the agency's Disaster Fi- 
nance Center is currently retrieving 
more than $10 million in improper 
payments. 

Bovard accuses FEMA of encourag- 
ing homeowners to move to flood- 
prone areas by offering insurance 
through the National Flood Insurance 
Program. If anything, the NFIP dis- 
courages risky development. In a flood 
hazard area, flood insurance is manda- 
tory for any federally insured mort- 
gage or construction loan. In order for 
this insurance to be available, the com- 
munity must comply with NFIP re- 
quirements, which may include the ele- 
vation of new structures or the outright 
prohibition of construction in hazard- 
ous locations. 

Moreover, FEMA has been an ag- 
gressive leader in efforts to keep peo- 
ple out of harm's way through our 
Hazard Mitigation Grant Program. 
Since 1993, FEMA has moved 25,000 


properties out of floodplains 
and other high-risk communi- 
ties throughout the nation. 

1 can continue this tit-for-tat 
with Bovard—however, there 
is one point upon which we 
agree. Bovard feels that people 
should take responsibility for 
their own disaster recovery. 
FEMA director James Lee Witt 
also is committed to encourag- 
ing Americans to take personal 
responsibility for preventing 
and reducing damage from fu- 
ture disasters. 

In an effort to change the 
way America deals with disas- 
ters, FEMA has launched Proj- 
ect Impact; Building a Disaster 
Resistant Community. Project 
Impact brings all segments of a 
community together to identi- 
fy risks before disasters strike. 
FEMA is working with cities 
and towns across the U.S. to 
harness the energy of business- 
es, citizens and communities to 
reduce disaster losses. FEMA's 
number one priority is reduc- 
ing the costs and consequences 
of disasters. 

Bovard can ascribe all the po- 
litical motives he wants to the 
delivery of disaster assistance. 
The fact remains that in times 
of disaster, Americans have a 
right to expect that their gov- 
ernment will respond to their 
suffering with all its might. That is 
nothing to be ashamed of or to apolo- 
gize for. Casting federal aid as some 
tool for elected officials to gain political 
advantage harms victims who depend 
on our help to recover from the most 
devastating event in their lives. 

Vallee Bunting 
Director, Emergency Information 
and Media Affairs 
Federal Emergency 
Management Agency 
Washington, D.C. 

James Bevard responds: It is ironic that 
FEMA would provide such an extensive те- 
sponse to my article, considering that its in- 
formation officers refused to provide any in- 
“formation while I was writing it. 

Bunting states that Americans depend on 
FEMA “to recover from the most devastat- 
ing event in their lives.” Perhaps FEMA 
employees are more prone to hysteria than 
are average Americans, few of whom would 
consider a severe snowstorm the darkest hour 


of their lives. Only in FEMA's imagination 
does the average American look out his win- 
dow and exclaim, “Mabel! It snowed 15 
inches last night. How are we going to walk 
the dog? Our lives are ruined!” 

According to FEMA's own records, the 
agency has declared more than 50 disasters 
for winter storms (some of which were classi- 
‘fied as ice storms). According to a FEMA 
snow disaster expert I interviewed in 1996, 
it was extremely rare for such declarations to 
be made before the Clinton administration’s 
tenure. Snow removal by any other name is 
still snow removal. In 1997 FEMA found 
emergencies in Minnesota, Washington, 
South Dakota, North Dakota, Nebraska and 
Iowa—none of which are on the East Coast. 
Surely, the concept of winter was not new to 
the above states. Why should Uncle Sam 
pick up the tab for local snowplow crews? 
Should FEMA also pay for sunblock in a 
heat wave? 

Bunting claims that FEMA found only 
10 percent of fast-track assistance granted 
after the 1994 Northridge quake went to in- 
eligible households. But the General Ac- 
counting Office discovered there were almost 
100,000 more applicants for aid than there 
were housing units damaged. FEMA great- 
ly understated the amount of money it should 
have recovered —and so far has recovered 
less than half of what it claims to be owed. 
FEMA boasts that its Hazard Mitigation 
Grant Program has paid to move 25,000 
properties out of floodplains. A skeptic might 
label this program a handout for dimwits— 
people whose homes have been flooded so of- 
ten that federal bureaucrats can't resist writ- 
ing them a check. 

Bunting claims that “Americans have в 
right to expect that their government will re- 
spond to their suffering with all its 
might.” If we have that right, how 
about a right to a government that cuts 
waste and taxes? Waste and taxes cause 


a lot of suffering. 


WHY WE CARE 
As a Christian, I am morally op- 
posed to abortion, yet I feel morally 
bound to support the general avail- 
ability of abortion ("Why We Care," 
The Playboy Forum, June). The logic is 
simple. Abortion is a moral issue, not a 
criminal one. 'The law cannot restrict. 
abortion rights without restricting hu- 
man rights, including a woman's right 
to choose vhat is done to her body. 
Abortions often are sought as a result. 
of the emotional baggage that influ- 
ences people to enter into relationships 
that are inappropriate, unfulfilling or 


both. These people may be emotional- 
ly and financially unprepared for a 
pregnancy. Using their faulty moral 
logic, they may elect to abort the child. 
Laws that prohibit or severely restrict 
abortion consider little or nothing and 
care even less about the social circum- 
stances that lead many women to have 
abortions. 

The law cannot protect a child by 
trampling on the rights of its mother. 
Rather than calling for oppressive laws, 
the abortion issue demands we all be- 
have more responsibly and ethically. 1 
would be heartbroken ifa woman were 
to choose to abort my child, but I 
wouldn't force her to keep it. The pos- 
sibility of that occurring is a compelling 
reason for chaste behavior. If I were 
married to the woman, abortion would 
bc far less likely to be an issue. Abortion 
is a decision between a woman and 
God, in addition to her doctor and the 
baby's father. In the end, the woman 
must decide. 

If you respect women, you respect 


Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse, a watchdog 
group that got its start in Southern California, 
wants to stop the thousands of frivolous 
suits that tie up courtrooms and waste tax 
dollars. As part of its campaign, CALA has 
created a deck of playing cards that de- 
scribe 52 loony lawsuits. Get a deck of your 
‘own by phoning 310-326-3694. 


their right to choose. God gave us free 

will—why should the law take it away? 
Tan O'Neill 
‘Tavistock, Ontario 


PLAYBOY PRESIDENT 
Daily Oklahoman columnist Argus 
Hamilton mentioned your defense of 
Clinton (“The Playboy President,” 
May): “Hugh Hefner gave Bill Clinton 
a supportive editorial in the May 
PLAYBOY. They're two different guys. 
One is a wolf living in a mansion where 
he chases women all day, while the oth- 
er guy publishes a magazine." 
Jasper Williams 
‘Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime telephone number. Fax number: 
312-951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy. 
com (please include your city and state). 


A teenager caught 
two of his teeth on 
а basketball net 
while dunking the 


он me e tine 


ball, and then 
sued the makers 
of the net. 
The company 
settled for $50,000. 


10 drink less, 


LA 


47 


48 


INES W. 


SASF) TR 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


SAFER PORN 


LOS ANGELES—Sixteen adult-film com- 
panies agreed to follow guidelines that 
require actors to wear condoms. At least 
‚five performers have tested positive for 


HIV within the past year, prompting the 
industry to take action. Gay performers 
have embraced condoms for at least a 
decade, but the only safeguard for the 
straight set has been monthly HIV tests. 
Under the guidelines, male performers will 
wear condoms during intercourse and 
while receiving oral sex. The guidelines 
don't require barriers for cunnilingus. 


JURY PAY 


SEATTLE—AL the conclusion of a drug 
trial, the judge sent the jury to deliberate 
the evidence, which included $1041 in 
cash. While the 12 jurors were at lunch, 
the money disappeared. Each juror denied 
taking the loot and consented to a search. 
That was all they could agree on. Deliber- 
ations had already stalled, and the judge 
declared a mistrial. 


RHYMES WITH SEX 


TUCSON, ARIZONA—The Pima County 
Attorney's Office investigated a woman 
who read a poem that contained “sexual 
innuendos couched in metaphors” while 
performing with schoolchildren. The Tuc- 
son Poetry Festival had invited Becky Byr- 
kit to recite, and she asked the Old Vail 
Middle School choir to assist with a song. 


Minutes into the reading, the choir in- 
structor herded the students off the stage. 
“Byrkit began reciting in explicit detail 
about oral sex, gay sex and sex in the back- 
seat of a car,” one father claimed. “She 
needs to be punished.” An outraged moth- 
er added, “She talked about God in a neg- 
ative way.” Two parents filed complaints. 
 Byrkit's lawyer says his client sanitized her 
poem before the reading, and that at worst 
it would be rated PG-13. 


DEFINING HATE 


SPRINGFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS— Merni- 
am-Webster agreed to revise the definitions 
in its best-selling dictionary for the words 
nigger, kike, honky, gook, chink, wop, 
kraut, queer, cracker, redneck and about 
190 others to emphasize that they are slurs. 
The change was made in response 10 a 
grassroots campaign started by a Michi- 
gan woman who was offended that the dic- 
tionary defined nigger as “a black per- 
son—usu. taken to be offensive.” The new 
definition for the word, “usually offensive; 
а black person,” hasn't satisfied critics. 
The NAACP threatened to organize a boy- 
сой of the publisher and investigate its 
business and hiring practices. 


ARE YOU NEXT? 


SAN FRANCISCO—A federal judge up- 
held a $451,002 jury verdict against U.S. 
Customs inspectors who searched a Colom- 
bian-born woman for drugs. The inspec- 
tors targeted the 50-year-old woman, who 
is a U.S. citizen, because they said she fit a 
courier profile: single female traveling 
alone from Hong Kong, wearing loose 
clothing, carrying no souvenirs and giv- 
ing “evasive” answers, Tivo female inspec- 
tors patted down the woman, ordered her to 
strip, searched her body cavities, X-rayed 
her and forced her to take laxatives that in- 
duced 28 bowel movements over an eight- 
hour period. No drugs were found. 


CHOOSE CHOICE 


MIAMI—The day after Governor Lau- 
ton Chiles vetoed a bill that would have 
created a specialty CHOOSE LIFE license 
plate, someone dumped a foul-smelling 
acid at the entrances of five clinics. Law- 
makers earlier had defeated an alternative 
proposal to have the plate read АБОРТ A 
CHILD. In an admirable example of dou- 
blespeak, a Republican sponsor of the bill 


called the plate a “pro-choice tag. It advo- 
cates a personal and private choice.” 


SHE GETS AROUND 


WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—Racing 
officials routinely consult with the foreign 
language departments at Victoria Univer- 
sity to ensure that no horses with risqué 
names slip by. The owners of the filly Tulsy 
Тап nearly pulled a fast one until officials 
thought to read the name backward. 


JUST SAY NO KIDS 


ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA—A private or- 
ganization called Children Requiring a 
Caring Kommunity pays drug addicts not 
to have children. CRACK offers $200 to 
men who consent to vasectomies and wom- 
en who will have tubal ligations or use 
Norplant. In its first six months, CRACK 
paid ten women with 64 births among 
them to be sterilized. 


SIGNING BONUS 


JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI— Ten state 
legislators introduced a bill that would те- 
ward newlyweds with $1000. To qualify, 
each partner would have to be at least 21 
years old, be free of STDs and have no off- 


Spring or ex-spouses. The woman also can- 
not have had an abortion. In addition, the 
bill would impose a $1000 fine on any 
spouse found lo be "at fault” in a divorce 
and offer a $200 tax credit to couples 
whose children stay out of trouble. 


Keep it Basic 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1998 
16mg "tar; 1.0 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Affordable enough to bring home. 


Yet so compact, you'll never leave it there. 


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When Performance Matters 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DANIEL PATRICK MOYNIHAN 


а candid conversation with the washington legend about the danger posed by a wounded 


president, kenneth starr’s “police state” and why richard ni 


on was really a liberal 


Daniel Patrick Moynihan, senior senator 
from New York, is a man with clout. He is 
not a Washington media superstar, perhaps 
because he hardly ever gets called to testify to 
grand juries about hanky-panky. Moynihan 
gets in the papers regularly, however, and 
has been doing so for nearly four decades, by 
sticking to the important stuff such as where 
your money goes. 

“He's a very honest man, which means 
everything,” says Senator Orrin Hatch 
(R-Utah). “You know he's going to tell you 
how he really feels, sometimes to his disad- 
vantage. People like him. He's truly one of 
the icons around here.” According to conser- 
vative columnist George Will, “Daniel Pal- 
rick Moynihan is the finest senator ever. 
Period!” Will noted that the 17 books Moyni- 
han has written or edited are “more books 
than most senators have read.” 

Pat Moynihan makes news the way civics 
books would have every senator do it—by 
taking strong, well-informed positions on 
important issues. He has been mentioned in 
recent dispatches from battles over Social Se- 
curity reform, the expansion of NATO, the 
dangers of the line-item veto, public trans- 
portation for the 2 Ist century, the revived 
menace of nuclear war—even the architec- 
ture of Washington. 

Moynihan is the ranking minority mem- 
ber of the Senate Finance Committee, a body 
that oversees half of all federal expenditures. 


“You had to love Gerald Ford. Remember 
when he was running for reelection and he 
kept seemingly bumping his head on air- 
planes? Here's a genuine athlete. ] looked 
like he stumbled. He didn't stumble at all.” 


He also serves on the Senate Committee on 
Environment and Public Works and the 


Joint Committee on Taxation. He once ex- 


plained why he wanted to work on the Fi- 
nance Committee by quoting bank robber 
Willie Sutton: “That's where the money is.” 
It’s fair to say that Moynihan’s business is 
very often your business 

Part of his clout comes from an extraordi- 
nary Washington résumé. He served four 
consecutive presidents—Kennedy, Johnson, 
Nixon and Ford—in cabinet or subcabinet 
posts, the only person in American history to 
have done so. He has been a senator since 
1977 and a key player in shaping important 
domestic and international issues, from wel- 


fare to arms control. 


In a tawdry capital, Moynihan's charisma 
is striking. His candor makes him unpre- 
dictable, and often surprising. He had been 
reticeni, for example—at least until he 
talked to us—about Washington's long-run- 
ning sexual witch-hunt and the damage an- 
ti-Clinton zealots may do to the nation. He is 
more than entitled to that opinion—in 1994 
he was the first Democratic senator to call 
for an independent prosecutor to investigate 
Whitewater. 

His history with the president reveals a ro- 
mance gone sour. The beginning was a hon- 
еутооп of soris, during which Hillary Clin- 
ton sent Moynihan her college thesis and 
Moynihan returned it graded A. But when 


"There's a background drama going on in 
Washington. and that is: Who's going to be 
the next president? Senators have a disposi- 
tion to hear “Най to the Chief” from under 
their beds every morning.” 


President Clinton conspicuously spurned 
Moynihan’s advice about the reform of the 
welfare system, Moynihan in turn gave the 
first lady’s health care plans a failing grade. 
Moynthan chided the White House for “the 
clatter of campaign promises being tossed 
out the window.” And he described a Clinton 
initiative on welfare as “boob bait for the 
bubbas.” 

Moynihan’s style is distinctive. Just ask 
Tim Russert, host of “Meet the Press,” who 
served as Moynihan’s press aide between 
1977 and 1982. One day Moynihan elected 
to return a reporter's call himself and spoke 
at length in his trademark cultured and pa- 
trician tones. Finally the reporter spoke up to 
the senator. 

“Fuck off, Russert,” the reporter said, as- 
suming he was hearing one of Russert's qui- 
etly famous imitations of his boss. 

Russert is just one of many staffers, in- 
cluding younger senators, who enjoy mim- 
icking Moynihan's manner, of which the 
college professor's voice is just one part. 
Moynihan favors pinstripes and an Irish 
tweed hat. He is tall (647) and lanky, fa- 
mously uncoordinated yet courtly. His hair is 
snowy and his rosy face unlined. His manner 
is offen flamboyant. He can pound his desk 
in anger or clap his hands in delight at 
someone’s clever turn of phrase. 

Moynihan was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma 
in 1927 and grew up with a younger brother 


PHOTOGRAPHY ВУЗАМ KITINER 


“Гат а Roman Catholic, which demands I 
be optimistic, But I've been a student of his- 
tory too long not to notice how the mighty 
can fall. Look at the British Empire: ‘The 
sun never sets.’ Now all is gone." 


51 


and sister just outside New York City, where 
the family enjoyed a suburban, middle-class 
life—for a while. His father was a hard- 
drinking advertising Copywriter for RKO 
who made exira money during the early 
years of the Depression by concocting mov- 
ie titles. In 1937, when Pat was ten, his fa- 
ther walked away from the family, never to be 
seen again. Margaret Moynihan moved her 
children through a series of worn apartments 
in New York City. Eventually, Pat's mother 
opened a saloon on 42nd Street near the 
Hudson, 

Pat shined shoes in Times Square, gradu- 
ated first in his class at Benjamin Franklin 
High School in East Harlem and worked as 
a stevedore on the Hudson River piers. He 
enrolled in City College and, after a year of 
study, enlisted in the Nav ys officer training 
program. He received an ensign's commis- 
sion іп 1946 and was assigned to a repair 
ship in Norfolk, Virginia. After receiving his 
discharge in. 1947, Moynihan went on to 
earn a B.A. and M.A. from Tufts University. 

In the carly Fifties he studied at the Loi 
don School of Economics on a Fulbright 
Scholarship. Moynihan returned to the 
States in 1953 and worked for Robert Wag- 
ner’s mayoral campaign. From 1955 to 
1958 he served as an aide to New York Gov- 
ето Averell Harriman. After а stint as an 
assistant professor at Syracuse University he 
received his Ph.D. in international relations 
‚from the Fletcher School of Law and Diplo- 
тасу at Tuft 

In 1961 Moynihan took а job in the Labor 
Department, and two years later was ap- 
pointed an assistant secretary of labor. He 
helped develop President Johnson’s war on 
poverty and became widely known after pre- 
paring a Labor Department paper, sub 
sequently dubbed the “Moynihan Report,” 
which warned of the threat posed to the black 
family by the increasing number of out-of- 
wedlock births. When the report was made 
public, it aroused a furor. Moynihan was 
roundly vilified and accused of inflaming 
racial tensions 

After an unsuccessful bid for New York 
City Council president, Moynihan took a fel- 
lowship at the Center for Advanced Studies 
at Wesleyan University. Between 1966 and 
1969 he served as director of the Joint Cen- 
ter for Urban Studies at MIT and Harvard. 
He returned to Washington in 1969 and 
served as President Nixon’s chief urban pol- 
icy advisor. Nixon and Moynihan almost en- 
gincered passage of the Family Assistance 
Plan, which would have guaranteed an in- 
come for all Americans. In 1972 Nixon 
named Moynihan ambassador to India, 
where he served until 1975 when President 
Ford named him ambassador to the United 
Nations. Playing “the U.S. spokesman 
feared for the truths he might tell,” Moyni- 
han warned the UN was becoming “a the- 
ater of the absurd.” 

When he was elected to the Senate in 
1976, Moynihan toned down his flamboy- 
ance. “You don't get anywhere in the Senate 
by being a smartass from New York,” he ex- 
52 plained. Every day for his first ten years he 


PLAYBOY 


ate lunch with other senators at the common 
table in the Senate dining room, where he 
forged powerful friendships. Along the way 
he and his wife of 43 years, Elizabeth, raised 
two sons and one daughter. 

With all that clout, Moynihan seemed just 
the person to reveal what is really going on 
in Washington these days. We turned to 
writer Richard Meryman, an old friend of 
Moynihan's who first interviewed him for 
PLAYBOY more than 20 years ago. Mery- 
man’s report: 

“I began this interview nearly a year ago 
and met the senator in his New York office, 
at the Carlyle bar, at restaurants in New 
York and Washington—and most produc- 
tively in his sanctum in the Russell Senate 
Office Building. His office has the feel of a 
Victorian parlor, with muted lighting, dark 
wood and 19th century American art. There 
are two walls of books, a fireplace, an an- 
tique desk, a manual typewriter on a small 
table and an enormous, open dictionary. 
One table holds nearly 60 honorary degree 
citations. In one corner is a life-size papier- 
máché statue, done by his son Timothy, of 
Thomas Jefferson in a shirt and vest, britch- 
es, long stockings and buckle shoes, holding 


The White House has only 

the flimsiest grasp of social 

reality. It has no idea how 
bad a problem we could have 


in four years. 


a roll of paper and a quill pen. Framed let- 
ters adorn a wall. One of them begins, ‘With 
respect and admiration from one who hopes 
to learn half as much as you know about 
what bedevils us and what to do about it.’ It's. 
signed Bill Clinton. The president’s current 
problems seemed like a good place to start.” 


PLAYBOY: Is Kenneth Starr playing fair? 
It appears to me that Starr 
ized a process created to take 
an inquiry out of politics. This thing be- 
gan in Arkansas in the Seventies, and 
suddenly they're talking about what 
book Miss Lewinsky bought at which 
bookstore in Washington last year. What 
is that? 
PLAYBOY: Do you disapprove of what’s 
happening? 
MOYNIHAN: Yes, of course. A Frenchman. 
whose name 1 don't recall said, “The 
Americans have this beautiful democra- 
cy and then every so often they lapse in- 
to this police state." You start taping peo- 
ple in conversations at a bar or ina hotel, 
wiring people. 
PLAYBOY: What does it all mean? 
MOYNIHAN: ГП leave that to you. But we 
want to be careful with the institution of 


the presidency. A wounded president 
cannot govern well. I think we are being 
much too casual about this matter. Even 
though he’s a lame-duck president, pop- 
ularity and prestige can make him a for- 
midable negotiator. But if he's 
ished, he will not have the influence he 
needs with Congress. Legislators won't 
be afraid of him, won't want to help re- 
solve a problem. They might act like 
they are, but they're not: “I don't want 
you to succeed, friend. I want your job. I 
know I've got two years, but I can wait.” 
PLAYBOY: What's different about the be- 
havior of a wounded president? 
MOYNIHAN: The damage becomes a hurt 
as well as an injury. He would say to him- 
self, Why is this happening to me? I 
don't deserve this. That's the mood in 
which he gets up in the morning, and 
he starts thinking about Saddam Hus- 
sein or what to do in Bosnia, or how to 
get that Start II treaty ratified. You have 
to watch that you don't paralyze the 
government. 

PLAYBOY: Has the legal process itself been 
a factor? 

MOYNIHAN: The Supreme Court was 
very casual in a 9-0 decision, saying a 
president can be sued in a civil case. 
There will never be a president who 
someone isn't going to want to take to 
court. If he has to defend himself while 
he’s president, he will spend his time 
ing about that. It is outrageous that 
the president should have to respond to 
these questions, such horrible questions, 
while he’s the president. 

PLAYBOY: So Clinton's zipper problems 
could virtually immobilize him? 
MOYNIHAN: Yes. And needlessly and wan- 
tonly, but it will have had nothing to do 
with his performance as president. I saw 
it happen to Lyndon Johnson during the 
Vietnam war. Distraction. Obsessed with 
leaks and flailing about looking for the 
leaker, which in turn narrowed his cir- 
cle of advisors. He became preoccupied 
with what his enemies were doing, and 
spotted more enemies than there proba- 
bly were, and in the end said, “There are 
too many enemies. I have to leave.” 
PLAYBOY: Any advice for Clinton? 
MOYNIHAN: Politically right now, it might 
be good for him to become interested in 
education. 

PLAYBOY: How would you vote on renew- 
ing the Independent Counsel Act? 
MOYNIHAN: I think I would vote no. If 
there's a problem, let it be solved in the 
courts after a president is out of office. 
PLAYBOY. But you were the first Dem- 
Ocratic senator to recommend an in- 
dependent counsel for the Whitewater 
investigation. 

MOYNIHAN: That was on television and I 
was being a little glib. The office of inde- 
pendent prosecutor was created to clean 
everything up, to take politics out of in- 
vestigations. Starr has put politics into it. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think this sort of sexual 
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MOYNIHAN: No, no. It will pass. I mean, 
we have a moment in which the U.S. is 
the preeminent nation in the world and 
has the finest economy and the greatest 
armed services. Perhaps there’s nothing 
else to do. 

PLAYBOY: Have any investigators knocked 
on your door? 

MOYNIHAN: In 1995 I got word that some 
people from the FBI would like to see 
me. They said, “We have reason to be- 
lieve that Chinese forces may be interest- 
ed in giving you money.” And I said, “I 
thank you very much for that.” I'm old 
enough by now not to say, “Why do you 
have reason to believe?” because they 
fucking well have wiretaps or satel 
pick it up. The FBI never came to see me 
[laughs]. 1 think there is evidence of a 
Chinese attack on our political system, in 
the campaign finances of 1996. And I 
think there should have been an inde- 
pendent counsel investigating that. 
PLAYBOY: But the Chinese never gave you 
any money? 

MOYNIHAN: Not a fortune cookie, much 
less a fortune. 

PLAYBOY: What kind of a guy is Clinton? 
MOYNIHAN: It may not be generally un- 
derstood how wide-ranging his interests 
are. He’s always asking people down for 
seminars. He loves policy stuff. He reads 
everything. He may read too much. 
There can be a tendency when you're 
president to take on more things than 
you can have any serious impact on. 
Give Ronald Reagan credit. He wasn’t 
always listening, but he cared deeply 
about a few ideas and he stuck with 
them. He didn't bother with anything 
else. And that's not the worst kind of 
president. If you focus more, you will 
get more. 

PLAYBOY: When Clinton makes a commit- 
ment to you, do you trust him? 
MOYNIHAN: Oh yeah, sure. He doesn't 
overpromise in personal relationships. 
PLAYBOY: But Clinton signed the welfare 
bill in 1996 that repealed Aid to Fami- 
lies with Dependent Children. You 
were disappointed and surprised. What 
happened? 

MOYNIHAN: Well, Mr. Dick Morris was 
doing his polling and telling Clinton, 
"Sign the bill and win the election." This 
administration came into the White 
House with views exactly the opposite of 
everything they are now doing. When 
we lost the midterm election, getting re- 
elected became everything. Welfare poli- 
cy became welfare poli 
PLAYBOY: During the debate The Washing- 
ton Post ran a story saying that you, a life- 
long authority on welfare policy, had 
stayed on the sidelines. 

MOYNIHAN: But day after day they were 
running stories on what I was doing and 
saying about the bill 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

MOYNIHAN: That the bill does not “re- 
form” anything, but simply abolishes aid 


to families; that it ignores research on 


the problem; that the bill will increase 
poverty and destitution, especially 
among "the least among us"—and that 
the evidence proving all this is plentiful. 
PLAYBOY: Tell us why you were surprised 
when the bill passed. 
MOYNIHAN: The Senate was going to 
send the president a welfare bill that re- 
pealed AFDC and that made some real 
changes in Medicaid. But one morning 
in July 1996 a rumor rumbled around 
the capital that House Republicans had 
said, “Dole isn’t going to win this elec- 
tion, and without him in the White 
House, we'll lose on this bill. So we'll 
split off Medicaid and send the president 
a welfare bill he can sign—and we can all 
say we did this." We passed the two bills 
out of the Finance Committee, and I 
walked out thinking, My God, we made 
it. Clinton will veto this bad welfare bill 
and then the election will come and it 
won't happen again. 
PLAYBOY: When did you know you were 
wrong? 
MOYNIHAN: That afternoon we met in 
Dick Gephardt's conference room on 
the House side, and I said, “Surely this 
Democratic Party is not going to pre- 
side over the dismantling of the Social 
Security Act of 1985? That's our great 
achievement.” Leon Panetta turned to 
me and said, “Pat, we've already made 
our decision.” OK. So I got up and left. 
PLAYBOY: What's wrong with the new wel- 
fare law? 
MOYNIHAN: The premise of the legisla- 
tion is that you can change the behavior 
of certain adults by making the lives of 
their children as wretched as possible. I 
think the current batch in the White 
House had and have only the flimsiest 
grasp of social reality. They think from 
the perspective of those who have never 
had the experience of helplessness and 
who don't have a very good grounding 
in social conviction. They have no idea 
how bad a problem we could have in 
four ycars—a million people in New 
York City with no support. They just 
have a gut feeling that if you don't make 
this lifestyle possible, it won't occur. It 
will stop. Well, that's a big bet. I think it's 
wrong. It's a social risk that no sane per- 
son would take. 
PLAYBOY: It seemed that Clinton hinted 
he was running against the bill, right af- 
ter he signed the bill 
MOYNIHAN: Yes. We have to reclect Presi- 
dent Clinton so he can undo the welfare 
bill. But you know, he could have done it 
by vetoing it. There's been no suggestion 
in this second administration that we are 
changing the bill. Not one suggestion. 
PLAYBOY: Social Security reform has been 
in the headlines and you've been called 
controversial—as well as quite coura- 
s—just for talking about a sensitive 
subject. Would you agree? 
MOYNIHAN: It’s not courageous at all. 
We're ready for a conversation about So- 
cial Security. I came up with a proposal 


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and put it in a bill. It's been said since 
then that I broke the taboo, if that's the 
word—that I touched what used to be 
called "the third rail of politics." 
PLAYBOY: What is your recommendation 
for Social Security? 

MOYNIHAN: I said, "Look, you have to do 
several things and you'll be OK. You 
have to get a correct cost-of-living ad- 
justment, which means cutting the Con- 
sumer Price Index, which is not a cost- 
of-living index. You have to increase the 
amount of income that is taxable. You 
have to extend the years you calculate 
benefits on from 35 to 37. You can cut 
down, take two points off —two percent- 
age points of the present payroll tax. 
Bring it down from 12.4 to 10.4. Then 
let people put the other 2 percent into a 
thrift savings plan. 

PLAYBOY: Will Congress really do some- 
thing to reform the IRS? 

MOYNIHAN: We recently sent an IRS-re- 
form bill out of the Finance Committee, 
20-0. It will be hell’s own time before it 
becomes law, but it will be signed. 
PLAYBOY: It will be signed? 

MOYNIHAN: Yeah. The president said that 
he is outraged about the way things are. 
So anything you can get on that bill will 
become law too. 

PLAYBOY: Clinton surprised you on wel- 
fare. Are you sure about him this time? 
MOYNIHAN: He wants this bill but he may 
not want some of the things that get 
added to it. But he can't not sign it, be- 
cause he's already made a speech saying 
what's going on at the IRS is outrageous. 
One Republican said, “It must be a pret- 
ty good idea, because Clinton's already 
stolen it." 

PLAYBOY: You have sponsored legisla- 
tion—with Senator Jesse Helms—that 
would greatly reduce the number of offi- 
cial government secrets. What's your 
problem with secrecy? 

MOYNIHAN: Secrecy dulls the senses. It 
cuts off criticism. The number of secrets 
created by the federal government in 
1996 went up 62 percent from 1995. We 
now have 3 million civil servants and 
military officers with the right to classify 
information—stamp, stamp, stamp— 
keeping things from one another. They 
have created roughly 400,000 top-secret 
documents whose revelation would sup- 
posedly create “exceptionally grave dam- 
age to the national security.” Extremely 
improbable! 

PLAYBOY: Where did the problem come 
from? 

MOYNIHAN: Secrecy is the normal behav- 
ior of a bureaucr: It’s a way to hide 
mistakes and decisions from criticism— 
and to write regulations that are perni- 
cious because you don't even know 
you're being regulated. The М.О. is to 
present the worst case possible—that's 
the ticket. Operating from that false be- 
lief, we wasted trillions building up our 
defenses. In 1982 we were the world's 
leading creditor nation. By 1988 we 


were its largest debtor. That's the way 
the Cold War ended. The Iran-contra 
operation could function in the National 
Security Council because only a few peo- 
ple knew about it. That operation could 
have been a true constitutional crisis. In 
any other circumstance, it would have 
been an impeachable offense. But Rea- 
gan was liked. Nobody hated him. And 
he was leaving office anyway. 

PLAYBOY: Does President Clinton share 
your concerns about secrecy? 
MOYNIHAN: He's been good about thi: 
but it's not a priority. Unless the presi- 
dent decides to open up government, se- 
crecy will go on indefinitely and cause 
trouble. The public begins to think that 
maybe government is the source of the 
conspiracies directed against us. And 
how do you know, if you can't find our? 
And so you get the Timothy McVeighs— 
people who really think that this govern- 
mentis not theirs: “They don't represent 
me!” You have to trust government. 
That's so fundamental. The CIA has the 
mentality that it's an important agency 
because it knows things others don't 
know. "Take away my secrets, you take 
away my status. But ГИ trade secrets 
with other agencies—I'll give you my se- 
cret if you give me yours.” They don't 
care about what the American public 
needs to know. 

PLAYBOY: The line-item veto sounds like a 
good way to help balance the budget by 
stopping Congress from wasting moncy. 
Do you agree? 

MOYNIHAN: If you think that, then you 
know nothing about the presidency and 
little about Congress. In effect, the way it 
works is that the president does not veto 
many things. He just lets you know he 
can. He says, “Dick, I know how much 
this radiation lab means to you and how 
much it means to New York and I wantit 
for you. But Dick, you know, I just have 
to have NATO expansion and you can 
help me there, can't you?” So if you 
don’t vote for expanded NATO, you 
won't get your lab. 

PLAYBOY: We'll get to NATO in a min- 
ute—but how does the line-item veto af- 
fect your work? 

MOYNIHAN: When you put together a tax 
bill, for example, you often do it one 
vote at a time. This fellow wants this, and 
that lady wants that, and eventually you 
have 50 votes, or 52 or 53 or 54. And 
that's the way it was meant to be. You put 
together this interest and that interest 
and that interest. If the president can 
take out four or five of those provisions, 
you will have a bill that never would 
have passed otherwise. 

PLAYBOY: What is the line-item veto's his- 
torical significance? 

MOYNIHAN: When a president can go 
through a bill and take out this and take 
out that—and what's left becomes law— 
that is a profound change of power that 
was not contemplated by the men who 
wrote the Constitution. If the Supreme 


Court upholds it, it will cause the great- 
est change in executive-legislative re- 
lations, the balance between the presi- 
dent and Congress, in the history of the 
nation. [In a 6-3 decision on June 25 the 
Supreme Court found the Line Item Velo Act 
unconstitutional. 

PLAYBOY: You're not exaggerating this 
a bit? 

MOYNIHAN: A respected lawyer here in 
town who's been counsel to the presi- 
dent said to me, "If Lyndon Johnson had 
had this power, we'd have had a Nero." 
PLAYBOY: Could our government have 
prevented the nuclear saber rattling now 
going on between India and Pakistan? 
MOYNIHAN: We could have paid more at- 
tention earlier. Their plans were not se- 
cret; they were asserted. Now, we must 
somehow keep the Islamic bomb from 
spreading to the Middle East. 

PLAYBOY: Let's turn to another contro- 
versial subject—the plan to expand 
NATO to include Hungary, the Czech 
Republic and Poland. Do you think 
that's a good idea? 

MOYNIHAN: I think it's a disaster. NATO 
is an alliance put together to oppose the 
expansion of the Soviet Union. And 
there is no Soviet Union. 

PLAYBOY: What could go wrong? 
MOYNIHAN: We could get ourselves back 
into a nuclear standoff with the Russians 
because all Russia has now is its nuclear 
weapons. Its army has disintegrated. Its 
air force—it doesn't have one. Its navy is 
rusting in a Ukrainian port in the Black 
Sea. I jolted some people recently when 
I gave a speech and said, “We're asking 
for nuclear war.” This is now, once again, 
the subject. Today, after half a century of 
nuclear terror that we thought we had 
negotiated away, the nuclear threat is in 
the hands of a desperate, angry, belea- 
guered, irrational, besieged country that 
feels it’s being cast down. Now our prin- 
cipal ideological adversary has been suc- 
ceeded by a nationalist adversary armed 
in the same manner—and scared, and 
angry. That situation could become far 
more unstable. But this idea doesn’t 
seem to sink in with anyone. In the 
meantime the White House is pressing 
for the expansion of NATO, which will 
make Russians refuse to ratify any arms 
treaty. The whole triumph of the West 
could collapse because we failed to finish 
up a program of arms control. The Sovi- 
et Union entered the post-Cold War era 
shattered. We entered it broke—self- 
inflicted. We are not paying our dues 
to the United Nations, for God's sake. 
Come on, grown-up countries do not 
do that. We should be buying the Rus- 
sian warheads and dismantling them. 
Surely we can seize the chance to avoid 
Armageddon. 

PLAYBOY: If expanding NATO is such 
a bad idea, why does it have so much 
support? 

MOYNIHAN: Ignorance and domestic pol- 
itics. We think of Russia as the Soviet 


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Union and we see it as an aggressive 
force, always ready to conquer some- 
body. Then there's the power of ethnici- 
ty in U.S. domestic politics. 

PLAYBOY: You make NATO expansion 
sound as dangerous as Iraq is 
MOYNIHAN: The biggest danger in the 
Iraq situation is that it could break up 
the seemingly promising relationship 
between Russia—which views the Per- 
sian Gulf as its part of the world—and 
the U.S. That would be a huge loss. The 
cost of losing an improved U.S.-Russian 
relationship could be beyond belief. Wel- 
come to the 21st century. 

PLAYBOY: You were among the first to 
predict the Soviet Union's collapse. 
What tipped you off? 

MOYNIHAN: In 1979 I wrote an article for 
Newsweek arguing that the Soviet Union 
was almost certainly going to break up in 
the Eighties and we better watch out. 
Having been ambassador to India, I saw 
that all around me the great European 
empires—British, Dutch, French, Por- 
tuguese—had disappeared. So what 
made us think that this wouldn't happen 
in Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and so on? 
Ethnicity is far more powerful than any- 
body understood. And the life expectan- 
cy of males had begun to decline in the 
Soviet Union, and that doesn’t decline 
anywhere. So you ask yourself, What's 
that? But nobody heard. 

PLAYBOY: Fundamentalism is a big prob- 
lem at home and abroad. Are you lob- 
bied by the Christian right? 

MOYNIHAN: I will say this to you and if 
you can print it, do. Once a year the 
anti-abortion people come to Washing- 
ton. They arc the only people who come 
to see me. I shouldn't say “only,” but 
they are the one group that comes to see 
me that doesn't want anything other 
than to discuss a moral issue it’s con- 
cerned with. I might meet three or four 
other people a year like that, but not 
many. They're the only working people I 
ever see. They come down by bus. They 
don’t go out to lunch at the mall. They 
just want to say they have a view of some- 
thing. I've always voted against them. 
PLAYBOY: But the Christian right has oth- 
er issues besides abortion, Some mem- 
bers say every word of the Bible is liter- 
ally true and they want to impose their 
views on everyone else. The movement 
seems pretty important. Do you agree? 
MOYNIHAN: It is hugely important. And 
there's nothing new about this. At differ- 
ent times in our history there have been 
very important political movements that 
were basically religious or concerned 
with matters of conscience. Abolition was 
one, out of which came the Republican 
Party. Prohibition was another. And 
abortion is a third. Roe vs. Wade just 
shook the conscience of a large segment 
of the American population, particularly 
the fundamentalist Protestants, who 
were quite content to live a life that 
didn't have much politics in it. They 


didn't have politics, they had their own 
religious concerns. Suddenly a matter of 
true import to them became the law of 
the land by a decision of the Supreme 
Court. And they thought, What is this? 
This has to change. And gradually they 
became a political force. 

PLAYBOY: Do you consider the Christian 
right dangerous? 

MOYNIHAN: No, good God. They're the 
nicest people in the world if you leave 
their consciences alone. And if you don't, 
it's not the first time in history you get 
resentment. The Catholic Church is just 
as involved, but the Catholic Church has 
a wider agenda. In the way we arc now 
using the word, the Catholic social doc- 
trine is liberal. If you're talking about 
minimum wage or something like that, 
they're with you all the time. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel you have to take the 
Christian right, creationism and all, into 
account? 

MOYNIHAN: Well, you'd better if you're 
thinking to run for president. 

PLAYBOY: That makes them sound very 
powerful 

MOYNIHAN: They are. We may lose our 
voting rights in the General Assembly 
because we passed a bill that would pay 
almost $1 billion in UN dues, but it in- 
cluded a provision that no money will go 
to any organization that performs abor- 
tions. The president has said he will veto 
the bill over that issue. If you go two 
years without paying your dues—which 
may happen if this impasse is not re- 
solved—you can lose your voting rights 
in the General Assembly. 

PLAYBOY: This is bizarre. 

MOYNIHAN: Yeah. And it's a big thing for 
us to lose our voting rights over some- 
thing—over what? 

PLAYBOY: So a minority can make inter- 
national policy? 

MOYNIHAN: The Southern Baptists aren't 
exactly a minority. The Supreme Court 
is. And if nine people can say that some- 
thing they find absolutely morally unac- 
ceptable is the law of the land, well, that 
makes people think. 

PLAYBOY: You mentioned running for 
president. Did you ever consider it? 
MOYNIHAN: No. I just never for a mo- 
ment imagined myself doing it. 1 don't 
have any executive abilities. My wife, Liz, 
keeps the checkbook. 

PLAYBOY: You started working in Wash- 
ington in the Kennedy administration in 
1961. How different are things now? 
MOYNIHAN: In the early days of the Clin- 
ton administration, I found myself in a 
meeting in the Oval Office with the pres- 
ident, the vice president and the com- 
mittee chairmen from the Senate. And I 
found myself thinking that when I was 
first in that room, I was the youngest 
person present. And I looked around 
and realized, my God, now I'm the sec- 
ond oldest—only Robert Byrd was older. 
Without your ever having noticed it, 
things creep up on you. 


PLAYBOY: Any other indelible memories 
of the Oval Office? 

MOYNIHAN: The cleat marks on the floor 
made by Eisenhower's golf shoes. Would 
it help you to know that Dwight Eisen- 
hower never learned how to use a dial 
telephone? He just picked up the phone 
and there was an operator. It didn't 
mean he couldn't invade Europe. 
PLAYBOY: Arc you technologically savvy? 
MOYNIHAN: I still type letters. 

PLAYBOY: What else strikes you as a big 
change over the years? 

MOYNIHAN: Since Watergate, Washington 
has become a dangerous place to work. 
The least little allegation can be cata- 
strophic to one's reputation or destroy a 
person's finances. There are people in 
the White House who, quite literally, will 
almost certainly die in debt. Secretaries, 
for instance. All those lawyers you see 
hanging around outside the grand jury 
room typically charge $300 to $500 an 
hour. In short order you can find your- 
self owing $200,000 to your lawyers, 
just to explain that you haven't done 
anything. 

PLAYBOY. You worked in the administra- 
tions of four presidents. Does onc of. 
them stand out? 

MOYNIHAN: Well, the one you had to love 
was Gerald Ford. He's just such a good 
man. And talk about how life isn't fair! 
Remember when he was running for re- 
election and he kept seemingly bumping 
his head on airplanes? I mean, here’s a 
man who's a genuine athlete. It looked 
like he stumbled around. He didn't 
stumble at all. 

PLAYBOY: What was Kennedy's greatest 
strength? 

MOYNIHAN: His generation came into of- 
fice. He was a special man in his own 
right. He spoke about the enormous op- 
timism with which America came out of 
World War Two. Kennedy thought he 
would prevail. And he did very odd 
things. He gave a speech in which he 
said, “I think America, in this decade, 
should send a man to the moon and 
bring him back safely.” Wow! In the 
same speech he said we should go to 
Vietnam. 

PLAYBOY: But in terms of intellectual 
prowess, accomplishment, who was best? 
MOYNIHAN: They all had their qualities. 
Lyndon Johnson had the best knowl- 
edge of the way Congress works. "That's 
knowledge not every president has. 
PLAYBOY: Was LBJ an idealist? 
MOYNIHAN: He was as much an idealist as 
anybody who's lived his life in the Senate 
will be. He would say to people, "You 
think Im going to fire you and send you 
home? No, no, no. I’m going to keep 
you here and make you wish you never 
came to Washington” [laughs] 

PLAYBOY: What was your first impression 
of Richard Nixon? 

MOYNIHAN: Very proper in cabinet meet- 
ings and respectful of form. He was 
someone who knew a great deal about 


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government and was interested in it and 
was not at all the person people said he 
was. He was perhaps basically a liberal. 
PLAYBOY: Nixon a liberal? Why do you 
say that? 

MOYNIHAN: Nixon was part of the politics 
that came out of World War Two, in 
which the role of government was as- 
sumed to be proper and necessary and 
successful. He was surrounded by the 
most active government in domestic life 
since the Thirties. I mean, there was 
the Environmental Protection Agency, 
the end of the dual school system in the 
South—Nixon did all sorts of things. He 
had a most explicitly Keynesian budget. 
"They built in a deficit, which was the dif- 
ference between what revenues at full 
employment would be and what rev- 
enues would in fact be. As a stimulus. I 
can't imagine anybody doing things like 
that today. And then the federal govern- 
ment started sharing revenue with states 
and cities. Nixon had a very active urban 
policy. 

PLAYBOY: Maybe he was bipolar. 
MOYNIHAN: Well, he was that. 

PLAYBOY: What was it like to talk to him 
outside a big meeting? 

MOYNIHAN: He once asked me if I would 
give him a list of books that I thought a 
president ought to have read. He was 
absolutely captured by Blake's biogra- 
phy of Disraeli, the British prime minis- 
ter. Disraeli said it’s been Tory men with 
liberal principles who have changed the 
world. Nixon liked the idea that he was a 
Republican who could do things Democ- 
rats could never get done. That's what 
going to China was for him. 

PLAYBOY: Did Nixon mind disagreement? 
MOYNIHAN: No, he was perfectly happy 
with a White House that had three en- 
tirely different points of view. It didn't 
trouble him. He didn’t need uniformity. 
He didn't mind arguments. He kind of 
liked them. 

PLAYBOY: Did Nixon make the correct 
decisions? 

MOYNIHAN: I think in the main he did, 
until he went crazy over Watergate. 
PLAYBOY: How do you square your rather 
admiring picture of Nixon with the im- 
age ofa paranoid in the Oval Office rag- 
ing against his enemies? 

MOYNIHAN: By the time Nixon became 
president, he had been so beat up in var- 
ious media that his level of trust was very 
low. He confronted this world of people 
who thought he was vaguely dishonest, 
who called him Tricky Dick and thought 
they were better than he was. They at- 
tacked him as a red-baiter, as this and 
as that. Well, Nixon must have thought 
they all hated him. That can be a trau- 
matizing and twisting experience. In sit- 
uations of crisis he became unstable. 
That's why he handled Watergate the 
way he did. He thought nobody would 
impeach him for a little slip like that. He 
didn't imagine it would develop into a 
question of his own character and the 


crime of concealment. At one point, 
when some of the Watergate tapes were 
coming out, The Wall Street Journal ran 
a nice editorial which said, "You can't 
imagine anything like that being said 
with Arthur Burns or Pat Moynihan in 
the room." Nixon segmented his life. 
PLAYBOY: Is there a hidden agenda that 
drives politics in Washington? 
MOYNIHAN: There's a background drama 
going on in Washington at all times, and 
that is: Who's going to be the next presi- 
dent? Senators have an extraordinary 
disposition to hear Hail to the Chief from 
under their beds every morning. By and 
large they don't succeed in reaching the 
White House, but boy, they do try! 
PLAYBOY: So a lot of the congressional 
hyperbole and hypocrisy, the breast- 
beating and righteous indignation, is 
simply a way to get press coverage and 
presidential. Isn't that extremely 
уе? 

MOYNIHAN: You would be surprised how 
everything is done with a smile, and 
those are the rules. There's no point in 
getting mad in the Senate. It doesn’t get 
you anywhere. I was too young for in- 
dignation when I arrived in Washington 
and I'm too old for it now. 

PLAYBOY: What does the smile mean? 
MOYNIHAN: That I'm going to be asking 
you to cooperate with me in four hours. 
‘And you will need me to help pass your 
bill. You always refer to your “distin- 
guished colleague.” “Tell my distin- 
guished colleague that I think he's a ly- 
ing bastard!” 

PLAYBOY: Is courage a plentiful commod- 
ity in Washington these days? 
MOYNIHAN: Well, presidents are elected. 
They can't be elected indefinitely. Just 
how often are you willing to do some- 
thing that would jeopardize your re- 
election? We're not talking about battle- 
field courage. But if your whole life is in 
politics and something comes along and 
you think it is the right thing to do but 
your constituents probably don't—what 
do you do? 

PLAYBOY: Debates are often quite bitter 
nowadays. Has this happened before? 
MOYNIHAN: Jonathan Swift laid out our 
situation in Gulliver's Travels. There was 
an empire divided between people who 
believed a boiled egg should be opened 
at the big end and those who believed in 
opening an egg at the small end. No 
compromise was possible. The Little En- 
dians prevailed. The Big Endians fled to 
other countries, raised armies and made 
allegiances with foreign princes. Fleets 
were destroyed, armies clashed, there 
were invasions, horrors. It’s like our trip 
to Israel for Yitzhak Ral funeral, You 
remember that Mr. Gingrich was not al- 
lowed to leave by the front entrance of 
the president's plane: literally the big 
end vs. the little end. No compromise 
was possible, unless you kicked out the 
windows. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think will become 


of the Republican revolution? 
MOYNIHAN: Well, the Republicans did de- 
velop a powerful conservative ideolo- 
gy—new and different and heretical. As 
a result, Republicans are now thinking 
in terms of doctrine. In negotiations 
with Newt Gingrich, he will say to you in 
a very open and friendly way, “Now, is 
this doctrinal with you?” And if you say 
it’s doctrinal—there’s no give here— 
that’s OK. What's the position you could 
compromise on? He is making that 
distinction. 

PLAYBOY: How has the Republican doc- 
trine worked out? 

MOYNIHAN: Not well. The Contract with 
America has not been so popular as they 
thought it would be. A lot of the conser- 
vative rhetoric, when put to the test, 
hasn't been very conservative at all. And 
I think some of the more severe conser- 
vatives are finding out that Congress is 
not the awful place they had understood 
it to be. 

PLAYBOY: Do the debates on the floor of 
the Senate ever really change anybody's 
mind? Sometimes the floor is almost 
empty. 

MOYNIHAN: I think in 21 years in the 
Senate, I have only once or twice heard a 
debate where we changed votes on the 
floor. That usually happens in commit- 
tee, where the real work is done. 
PLAYBOY: Why have the debates? 
MOYNIHAN: Well, people make their cases 
for your next election, and get them- 
selves on television. Why not? I got my- 
self 20 seconds of fame recently on МВС 
talking about NATO. I mentioned nu- 
clear war. I thought it was 20 seconds but 
it turned out to be more like eight. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about how the Senate 
really works. Do civics books even come 
close? 

MOYNIHAN: Well, once in a while you get 
іше epiphanies about the legislative 
process. In the House they were gather- 
ing up the papers once and nobody 
knew what the hell was in the bill, and 
the next thing they knew, they had en- 
acted a statute that said, “Tell Gloria to 
call Jack, number. . . .” 

PLAYBOY: Did we hear that right? Law- 
makers vote on laws that they don't 
understand? 

MOYNIHAN: Yes, a lot of times. I once of- 
fered a resolution that said no law could 
be passed and sent to the president until 
the majority of those who voted in favor 
of it attested to having read it. It didn't 
get anywhere. 

PLAYBOY: Tell us how you win, how you 
get what you want in this system. 
MOYNIHAN: In 1993 I put through the 
Senate the largest tax increase in the his- 
tory of taxation. It was a goddamn tough 
thing to do, but we did it. 

PLAYBOY: And you're proud of a tax 
increase? 

MOYNIHAN: You bet! I felt very strongly 
that we had to persuade the financial 
markets we had control of our finances, 


that we would not continue building up 
the debt and expect inflation to get rid 
of it. You could argue that showing we 
could do this was a factor in the second 
longest expansion in our history—no in- 
flation, almost full employment. But I 
have to share the credit. The passage of 
the tax bill came down to one vote. It was 
Bob Kerrey, the Democrat from Nebras- 
ka who ran for president in 1992 and 
dropped out after the New Hampshire 
primary. 

PLAYBOY: Did you back him? 

MOYNIHAN: Right. I was his one support- 
er in the Senate. Bob Kerrey is a very 
special person. You don't win the Con- 
gressional Medal of Honor because of 
the speeches you give. In his view the 
tax increase was not large enough. He 
thought we should get rid of this god- 
damn deficit right now and pay our bills 
and grow up. On the day of the vote I 
am waiting around for his decision, and 
I get a call at about ten in the morning 
and Bob says, "I'm at the White House. 
I'm going back to the Senate. Can you 
come over and see me?" I say, "Sure." I 
get over to his office and make my way 
past 15 television cameras—"Excuse me. 
Excuse me. Excuse me." And there's Bob 
and he says, "Pat, I've told the president. 
I'm voting no." I said, "Well, itcan't have 
been a very easy scene." He said, "It 
wasn't." I gave Bob just one bit of advice. 
I said, "Why don't you get the hell out of 
here? I went through 15 camera crews 
outside and this isn't going to be any 
place for you to be.” 

PLAYBOY: Why didn't you twist his arm? 
MOYNIHAN: Because we're grown-ups. I 
had made my case. He had heard it out 
and decided otherwise. I did tell my 
chief of staff, Lawrence O'Donnell, who 
called Mrs. Moynihan, who was at our 
farm in upstate New York. 

PLAYBOY: The real power! 

MOYNIHAN: Right! She was out in the sta- 
ble getting ready for the arrival of our 
grandson, "Prince" Michael Patrick, 
painting Thomas the Train, an oil drum 
equipped with bells and whistles and 
wheels. She was awaiting word of when 
he would arrive, so she had taken the 
telephone on a long extension line and 
put it in the grass near the stable. So 
O'Donnell calls her, and she says, 
“What? Kerrey's going to vote no? He 
can't do that. It will ruin him as a nation- 
al figure. It vill be said he did it for re- 
venge because he had to drop out after 
the New Hampshire primary. He must 
not do this to himself." So she puts in a 
call to Kerrey, who had taken my advice 
and slipped out of the Senate and gone 
to see a movie called What's Love Got lo Do 
With It. 

PLAYBOY: This sounds like a great script. 
MOYNIHAN: Kerrey came back and there 
must have been dozens of calls. But he 
called Liz and she made her pitch: “Bob, 
I'm sure your reasons are compelling, 
but you cannot do this to yourself.” The 


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PLAYBOY 


conversation went on a bit longer and he 
said, “You know, I think you're right.” At 
the last minute he comes on the Senate. 
floor and gives a speech: "Mr. President, 
if you're watching, and I think you are, 
I've decided to vote for this bill." Bill 
Clinton phoned Liz and told her, "You 
saved my presidency. 

PLAYBOY. Most Washington stories aren't 
so nice. Most stories tend to confirm the 
New York Times’ columnist Russell Baker's 
claim: “All the evidence suggests that 
when Americans look at Washington 
they see a conniving bunch of hustlers: 
playing an insider's game at the expense 
of the nation.” True? 

MOYNIHAN: The ancients in Greece and 
Rome taught that the supreme political 
quality is virtue. Government would be 
virtuous men doing virtuous things. 
Bullshit! Madison called this “the defect 
of better motives.” Meaning, don’t bet 
on virtue. That's in short supply. In our 
system the avarice and anger and ag- 
gression of one party is offset by the 
avarice and anger and aggression of the 
other party. And it works very well. Any- 
way, your virtue is not necessarily mine. 
PLAYBOY: Is that healthy? 

MOYNIHAN: Self-interest will be stabiliz- 
ing. It has been a factor in developing 
this hugely durable society, which is not 
threatened in any way by internal forces 
and is now the indispensable, number 
one nation on earth. And what Russell 
Baker—I know and admire him huge- 
ly—says people think about Washington 
is not what goes on in Washington. An 
amazing number of people are doing 
their work the best they can. 

PLAYBOY. Does what we sce in Washing- 
ton today bear any resemblance to what 
the founding fathers intended? 
MOYNIHAN: I say to you with a measure 
of vigor that the framers of the Constitu- 
tion intended our republic to work pre- 
cisely as it does—as a system of checks 
and balances between Congress, the 
president and the courts. Freedom lies 
in the interstices of these arrangements. 
You would be amazed at what would 
happen if they were lost. With so much 
power at the center, you would no lon- 
ger recognize your country. 

PLAYBOY: But only 49 percent of eligible 
voters voted in the last presidential elec- 
tion. Doesn't that indicate that people 
are turned oft by politics? 

MOYNIHAN: Well, you can also have a sit- 
uation where politics doesn't matter a. 
great deal because the conditions of life 
are really quite satisfactory. Interesting- 
ly, in New York City we had a much 
higher turnout in the 1880s when Tam- 
many Hall was turning out those votes 
from the tenements. Maybe buying 
them. The voter turnout fell off precise- 
ly because reformers didn’t want those 
undesirables voting—unlike the people 
on Fifth Avenue who were to be trusted. 
How do you know they can be trusted? 


64 Well, they're rich. How'd they get rich? 


None of your business. So reformers 
made it hard to vote. You had to register, 
fill out forms, prove citizenship, fulfill 
residence rules and so on. 

PLAYBOY: Kevin Phillips, publisher of the 
American Political Report, called Washing- 
ton “an enterprise zone for ethically dis- 
advantaged officeholders.” Why is that? 
MOYNIHAN: When I go to the Committee 
on Environment and Public Works, 
where I was once chairman, and say, “I 
want a bridge for New York,” nobody 
says, “But Senator, you're being selfish.” 
I'm supposed to be selfish and look after 
my constituency. And I don't doubt that 
another senator wants a highway. After 
we work it out, the next thing you know, 
we have an interstate highway system. 
PLAYBOY: But we've had the spectacle of 
Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott block- 
ing a bill that would reform campaign 
financing while Senator Fred Thomp- 
son chaired hearings that could lead to 
legislation. 

MOYNIHAN: The Republicans are in an 
impossible position. They want to go af- 
ter the incumbent president for abusing 
the existing campaign finance system, 


In the Senate, everything 
is done with a smile, 
and those are the rules. 
There’s no point in 
getting mad. 


but they are opposed to changing the 
system. When Dr. Johnson declared pa- 
triotism to be the last refuge of the 
scoundrel, he underestimated the po- 
tential in reform. 

PLAYBOY: Can politics solve the country's 
problems? 

MOYNIHAN: I think that we have cycles in 
which we bring into politics many issues 
that politics cannot solve through 
compromise. 

PLAYBOY: Do you mean moral or cultural 
issues? 

MOYNIHAN: Yes. The next thing you 
know, you find yourself with a large 
number of alienated people who are 
persuaded of the evil of the system and 
who rejed it accordingly. 

PLAYBOY: What's on the horizon? 
MOYNIHAN: In the year 2000, there will 
be 70 million children under 18 in the 
U.S.—about a quarter of our popula- 
tion—of which 25 million will have been 
born to single parents. When families 
break up, children often have lifelong 
emotional scars—the roots of the drug 
crisis, the education crisis, teenage preg- 
nancy and juvenile crime. Now if you 
know that, you know what the condi- 


tions of your high schools will be in the 
year 2010. 

PLAYBOY: Is there anything to be happy 
about? 

MOYNIHAN: After World War Two, we still 
didn't know we could manage the econ- 
omy. The top income tax rate was 90 
percent, and our gross domestic product 
had been ricocheting up and down. But 
we've had 50 years of near-continuous 
economic growth. It's the most brilliant 
economy, beyond any imagining. Our 
unemployment rate is around 4.5 per- 
cent, with virtually no inflation. For 30 
years economists have believed that you 
can't have both. So we're getting good at 
doing something that was thought un- 
doable. It doesn't mean you can't screw 
it up—and if you can, you will. 

PLAYBOY: What will America be like in the 
next century? 

MOYNIHAN: I think the prediction of the 
economist John Maynard Keynes is com- 
ing to pass. He wrote in 1932, "The 
problem of want and poverty and the 
economic struggle between classes and 
nations is nothing but a transitory and 
unnecessary muddle, for the Western 
world already has the resources and the 
techniques, if we could create the organi- 
zation to use them, and is capable of re- 
ducing the economic problem, which 
now absorbs our moral and material 
energies, to a position of secondary 
importance.” 

Keynes believed that “the day is not 
far off when the economic problem will 
take the backseat where it belongs and 
the arena of the heart and head will be 
occupied, or reoccupied, by our real 
problems—the problems of life and of 
human relations, of creation and behay- 
ior and religion.” 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that's an encour- 
aging prediction? 

MOYNIHAN: If the day comes when we 
don't have the economic problem and 
all we can think about is religion, you 
may long for the age of the general 
strike. You can compromise on wages 
There are moral issues that do not allow 
compromise and accommodation—and 
those can be hugely divisive. 

PLAYBOY: Are you optimistic about Amer- 
ica's future? 

MOYNIHAN: By birth I am a Roman 
Catholic, which demands that I be opti- 
mistic. But I've been a student of history 
too long not to notice how quickly the 
mighty can fall. Look at the British Em- 
pire: "Dominion over palm and pine." 
“The sun never sets." Now all is gone. 
We must take care. 

PLAYBOY: When you come down the mall 
and see the Capitol—where you have 
membership in the nation's most exclu- 
sive club—rising ahead of you. what goes 
through your mind? 

MOYNIHAN: That there are only a hun- 
dred of us, and we'd better get it right. 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He’s a man who likes to test his limits. Sure, perfection costs more, but how often do you get 
to live out a fantasy? That's why he loves to take out his classic cruiser. More than one in ten men 
who own motorcycles are PLAYBOY readers. Over half a million of our readers rode bikes last year, 
which is more than the number of men who read Easyriders, Motorcyclist and Cycle 
World. PLAYBOY—it’s the magazine that's geared for excitement. (Source: Fall 1997 MRI.) 


66 


KEVIN HASNT SEEN HIS BAD-BOY ROCK-STAR BROTHER 
IN TEN YEARS. THEIR MEETING, AT THE FESTIVAL OF THE 
BURNING MAN, IS A SHOCK 


urning Man was heat, 
dust and madness, and 
I felt about as out of 
place as it's possible 
to feel, in my middle- 
7 aged body, in my khaki 
shorts and knit shirt and sandals, 
with my expanding belly and soft 
chest and salt-and-pepper hair cut 
short, surrounded by the extraor- 
dinarily youthful with extravagant 
manes of vibrant hair and muscu- 
lar, ripe bodies, either mostly un- 
dressed or wildly costumed in get- 
ups that ranged from Fellini to 
Mad Max. It was the Labor Day 
weekend Burning Man festival in 
Nevada. I was about to meet my 
brother, whom I hadn't seen in 
more than ten years. I was with a 
young woman named Chrysalis, no 
last name, whom I'd met as soon as 
I arrived at the festival. I pulled up 
in my Volkswagen camper, parked 
and got out to look around at the 
Black Rock Desert, which is an 
amazingly flat expanse of cracked 
mud, and she was standing there, a 
waif of a girl in fat metallic boots 
over silvery, quilted, space-suit 
pants that came up to her hips and. 
left her hard stomach bare between 
their Velcro-tab top and the bottom 
of a bright-yellow halter. A massive 
framed backpack hovered over her 
shoulders like a small building. She 
struggled under the weight of it. I 
asked if I could be of any assistance, 
and she shook her head no, and 


said she was just about to set up 
camp. I told her I hadn't seen her 
when I pulled up, and I offered to 
find another spot, but she looked 
me over and smiled and said no, 
it'd be OK, and we went about set- 
ting up our encampments and thus 
we became neighbors. 

My brother had given me in- 
structions to meet him under 
the figure of the Burning Man, a 
40-foot-high wooden statue that 
would soon burn while 10,000 
to 15,000 onlookers danced and 
screamed and did God-knows- 
what, certainly lots of drugs. I was 
looking forward to it. If it weren't 
for Johnny, my brother, Pd have 
never known of the existence of the 
festival. It was his kind of thing, not 
mine. My brother is a public figure, 
a rock-and-roll bad boy known all 
over the world as Splay—guitar 
player, singer, public madman and 
pervert from the band of the same 
name. I am a writer of stories and 
novels, and because I have made a 
comfortable career for myself in 
academe, it behooves me to keep 
my relationship to Splay quiet. I 
have no wish to be identified as the 
writer who is Splay’s brother, to 
walk out the door of my suburban 
ranch house near Iowa City and 
find newspapermen and photogra 
phers looking to get my reaction 
every time Splay gets into trouble, 
which, thankfully, is happening 
with less frequency as he gets older. 


PAINTING BY PHIL HALE 


PLAYBOY 


Splay is 47, two years older than I. He 
is still famous, but not as much as he 
used to be. I hadn't told Chrysalis 
about him. All she knew was that his 
name was Johnny, and that we were to 
spot him by the big red sombrero he'd 
be wearing. 

“More than ten years?" she said. 
“How come you haven't seen him in so 
long?" 

“Falling out,” I said. “Family thing.” 

“What about?” She tucked her hands 
into her pants, just slid them down un- 
der the waist, so that the heels of her 
hands were resting on her bare hip- 
bones. She was wearing her big boots 
and fat pants again, astronaut pants. 
Same outfit as when we met, only now 
the halter top was blue—soft, watery, 
cerulean blue. 

"It's a long, long story,” I said, and I 
touched her elbow, signaling her to 
stop a moment. We were nearing the 
center of the series of concentric circles 
that formed the structural pattern of 
Burning Man. There were a couple of 
roads—aisles kept clear of encamp- 
ments—that pierced the circles of vans 
and campers and tents and lean-tos 
and whatnots where masses of people 
were living for the weekend. Often 
the housing—which ranged from pup 
tents and trailers to wildly imagined 
temporary structures made of old 
parachutes and sticks and scrap met- 
al—was itself arranged in circles, pro- 
viding a wagon-train effect. We had 
just passed an encampment where sev- 
eral young women were showering un- 
der a line of plastic bags hanging from 
a freestanding construction of tubes 
and pipes, and it had taken all my 
willpower not to stop and gawk at their 
tanned bodies, and especially at the 
places where the tans disappeared, 
where they looked as though they were 
wearing white-skin bikinis. But I didn't 
stare. I walked on by as if I often stroll 
past women showering in the sun. 

Chrysalis said, “Do you see him?" 

“Chrys,” I said. “Tell me the truth. 
culously out of place do I 


She hooked her arm 
through mine and pulled me along. 
“You're a writer. You're the real thing. 
You don't have to get dressed up." 

I had given Chrysalis a copy of my 
most recent novel within an hour of 
having met her. I explained that I was 
recently divorced from my second wife 
and that I was in the process of re- 
thinking my life. She told me she was 
an artist and an elementary school 
teacher. She was also divorced, though 
her marriage had lasted only a few 
months. It had ended as soon as she 
told her artist-husband, whom she had 
been with since they were both sopho- 
mores in college, that she was preg- 


nant. He took off. She had an abortion. 
"That was a little over a year ago. She 
was 22. "It's not as bad as it sounds," 
she had said. "I didn't want a kid ei- 
ther. I wasn't ready." 

As'we continued walking toward the 
towering wooden man, I relaxed a bit, 
pleased that she had hooked her arm 
through mine, which was our first 
physical contact, We strolled in silence, 
arm in arm. Then she said, "You never 
answered my question," and leaned in- 
to me playfully, nudging my shoulder 
with her cheek. “What was the falling 
out about? With your brother?” 

1 didn’t know what to tell her. I 
didn't like the idea of lying, but I wasn't 
ready to tell her my brother is Splay— 
and I couldn't explain why I hadn't 
seen him in so long without revealing 
his true identity. I hadn't seen him 
since the Eighties. Once he figured out 
(which didn't take him long, he's bright 
enough) that I was embarrassed by 
him, he stayed out of my life. I felt 
bad about this, but not that bad. You 
can't do the things Splay does—or did, 
at least —and not expect some conse- 
quences. Offstage, he has been arrest- 
ed twice for statutory rape. Ten years 
ago he got world famous for having 
oral sex, onstage, with one of rock’s bil- 
lionaires, the guy named Fey Wrey af- 
ter the old screen actress, the one from 
King Kong. It was after that event that 
we stopped talking to each other alto- 
gether. Fey had turned his back to the 
crowd in the middle of an unending 
guitar riff and made the obvious mo- 
tion of opening his fly—this is all on 
camera—and then Splay came onstage 
and knelt at his feet and gave him a 
blow job, or at least they made it look 
that way. Before the show was over 
they were both yanked off the stage 
and arrested, and for the next couple 
of years they were household names. 
The local priest, your Episcopalian 
minister—they knew all about Splay 
and Fey. Everyone did. Their CD sales 
broke records. Splay made many mil- 
lions. So he was famous and rich, and 
one of the minor prices he paid was 
that he no longer talked to his brother, 
who was embarrassed by him. Our par- 
ents were both gone at that point, 
which was in some ways a blessing. 

I was still pondering how to answer 
Chrys when I spotted a pair of red 
sombreros bobbing in our direction. 
“ГІ have to tell you another time,” 1 
told her. 

Chrys had already seen the som- 
breros. "I thought you said it would be 
just your brother." 

"I'm not surprised,” I said. "He's 
usually got somebody with him." 

When we were about to walk right 
past cach other, I stopped and smiled 
at Johnny, and he recognized me. He 


returned the smile and caught the 
woman with him by the wrist and 
turned her toward us. I offered John- 
ny my hand and we shook and then 
stepped back from each other. I put my 
hands on my hips and Johnny crossed 
his arms under his chest, and we just 
stood there looking at each other until 
the woman with him gestured toward a 
makeshift refreshment stand and said, 
“McSatan’s anyone?” 

I said, “Sure,” and we all started for 
the corrugated-tin-and-scrap-wood Mc- 
Donald's parody, complete with card- 
board cutout golden arches, where a 
couple of guys were selling juice and 
sandwiches. McSatan's was situated a 
bit back from the stream of people, and 
on the way there we completed the 
introductions. Johnny introduced 
the woman with him as Melinda, Mel 
for short. I introduced Chrysalis as a 
friend, not bothering to explain that 
we had just met at the festival. 

Johnny was dressed handsomely in a 
white linen suit over a wine-red shirt. 
His hair was cut short, much like mine, 
but it was a lustrous blond, far from my 
50-50 mix of dark brown and gray. I 
was tempted to say, "Hey, I used to 
know you when you had brown hair,” 
but I didn't. For all his expensive 
clothes and hair care, Johnny didn't 
look good. He was thin, and his fea- 
tures were pinched and tense. He 
seemed jumpy and edgy and simulta- 
neously tired, as if he wanted to catch 
some sleep but was afraid to. I figured 
it was some drug he was on. He was still 
a world-class stoner. According to the 
tabloids, he was a heroin addict—but 
you know what that means. 

“Johnny,” I said. “You look like Tom 
Wolfe.” 

“Tom who?” 

“Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.” 

Mel said to Johnny, “It’s a book. Tom 
Wolfe wrote it.” Then to me: “Your 
brother doesn’t get too much time to 
read.” 

“Chrysalis,” Johnny said, disregard- 
ing me. His eyes moved up and down 
Chrys with no subtlety at all, as if he 
were examining a potential purchase. 

T said, “Chrysalis is an artist.” 

Mel smiled, and Johnny made a 
grunting noise. 

I looked hard at Johnny, trying to 
read him. There was something decid- 
edly different about him. He seemed . . . 
less intelligent. He had almost the look 
of the dim-witted, of someone who has 
to think a second or two to form a 
word. But the Johnny I knew was any- 
thing but dim-witted. He was smarter 
than I was. Things came to him easily; 
he did better in school. He was quicker. 
On the street, out with the kids, he had 
been my protector. If I had a problem, 

(continued on page 74) 


“Conan O'Brien can't keep a guy up as long as I can... 1” 


the keyboard queen of the playboy cyber club lives in the cubicle next door 


F PLAYMATES ARE the girls next door, Heidi Davies 
is the girl you want next door to you at the office. 
ALL As килүвоү» online Playmate Coordinator, Heidi 
unites Centerfolds and Playboy Cyber Club mem- 
bers for live online conversations (or chats, as they're called 
in cyberspace). “Chats allow people to talk casually with the 
women they've seen in the magazine,” says Heidi. As Rowan 
(her cyberspace alter ego), Heidi has developed a following 
of her own. “The Playboy Cyber Club regulars call me 
Rowan, the cybergoddess,” she says with a giggle. “They vot- 
ed me Favorite Playboy Woman in an online poll. How cool 
is that?” Pretty cool, considering Favorite Playboy Man was 
Hugh Hefner. Gaining the respect of her cyberpeers has 
been a breeze for this Chicago girl, who blew into the Windy 
City in 1984 after spending her childhood in Florida, Arı- 
zona and Michigan. “I used to be so quiet,” explains the 
woman who now thrives on good conversation. “All I did was 


read.” In seventh grade, when Heidi had to choose between 
a typing class and a computer dass, she took the latter. “I was 
the only girl,” she says, “but I thought it was cool that you 
could program computers to do stuff.” In high school, she 
overcame her shyness. “I was on the gymnastics team and had 
tocompete ina leotard. That took balls.” Cut to 1995, when 
Heidi joined Playboy as an administrative assistant to the 
vice president of New Media. “I learned all about comput- 
ers—e-mail, the Internet, everything.” When the Playboy 
Cyber Club started its daily chats in May 1997, Heidi volun- 
teered to help. She developed a special rapport with the 
Playmates and became a company standout. “I talk with the 
Playmates more than anyone. I help with computer problems, 
personal problems, whatever.” The guidance goes both ways. 
Before she posed, Heidi asked for words of wisdom from 
her Playmate pals. “They said I would feel like the most 
beautiful woman in the world. And you know what? I did.” 


"1 got my online name from Rowan Mayfair, a cool chick in an Anne Rice novel. Rowon has the some birthday as 1 have and blonde hair 
like mine, and she drives my dream cor, a Jaguar XJ-6. The only difference is that she's a witch,” says Heidi, above, surfing the Playboy 
Cyber Club—cyber.playboy.com—with Playmate Lynn Thomos. Left: "It's easy to feel sexy when you play in front af the mirror,” she says. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEN NISHINO 


71 


^1 really love nude photography," says Heidi, an amateur 
photagrapher. She alsa digs cars (‘Especially curvy anes, 
like a 1957 Chevy”), funny guys and, of course, chat 
rooms. “Its easy to flirt online. It's all abaut innuendo.” 


PLAYBOY 


74 


ЕЕЕ (continued from page 68) 


“Van Gogh would have cut off his other ear for a 
chance to hang out here for a weekend.” 


Johnny always knew how to handle it. 
We walked home from school togeth- 
er most days, me and my big brother, 
side by side on neat suburban walk- 
ways bracketed by lawns. A couple of 
schoolkids, usually quiet, caught up in 
dreams. We were big dreamers. We 
had that in common. 

“Johnny,” 1 said. “You look tired.” 

“You're the one should be tired.” Не 
leered at Chrys a moment and then 
grinned at me. 

“Don’t mind him,” Mel said. “All he 
ever thinks about is sex.” She seemed 
amused. “You know his reputation,” 
she said, giving Chrys a between-wom- 
en look. 

"Actually," I said, “she doesn't." 

Mel said, “Oh,” and Johnny grunt- 
ed, and they both looked as though I 
had just answered a question for them. 

Chrys asked, "Something I should 
know?" 

Mel said, “Why don't you come back 
to our trailer with us? We can get some- 
thing decent to eat." She was wearing a 
bright yellow sundress, with red flow- 
ers to match the sombrero. She was in 
her 405, at least. Her skin was thicken- 
ing and there were lines around her 
eyes and mouth that showed her age, 
but she was still attractive and had ob- 
viously once been stunning. 

“Shit,” Johnny said, and then looked 
at me. “This heat’s fucking with me, 
Kev. I needa siesta.” 

Mel put her arm around Johnny's 
waist. 

Johnny said to Mel, “It’s the fucking 
heat.” 

"It is hot,” Mel said, and she seemed 
suddenly anxious to get Johnny away. 
*Why don't you two come by a little lat- 
er? We'll send someone for you." 

Johnny nodded to me and then 
turned to Chrys. "Chrys," he said, his 
grin openly lascivious, “ГИ see you 
later." 

"They walked away into a line of mov- 
ing people and disappeared. 

When they were well out of sight, I 
turned to Chrys and said, "That was 
weird, wasn't it?" 

"About as weird as you can get." 
Chrys seemed to think about it a mo- 
ment, and then she laughed. "They'll 
send someone for us? Is your brother, 
like, an escapee from an asylum?” 

t's a long story.” 

“Of course.” 

Chrys seemed amused but on the 
verge of deciding we were all lunatics: 


Johnny and Mel, and me along with 
them. “Maybe I should explain а few 
things to you,” I said. 

“Good idea.” 

We started back to our encampment. 

Chrys said, “I can't believe the way 
he was coming on to me—with his girl- 
friend right there. Not to mention you. 
1 mean, he must figure we're together. 
Right?” 

“He was outrageous,” I said. “Are 
you offended?” 

“You old guys,” she said. “You're all 
crazy. You should meet Mr. Miller, our 
assistant principal.” 

Then it was my turn to laugh. I said, 
“I find it hard to think of you as a 
schoolteacher.” 

“You're a schoolteacher!” 

“I didn’t say it was hard to think of 
me as a teacher. That's not hard at all.” 
“So why is it hard to think of me?” 

1 didn't respond right away. 1 consid- 
ered not responding at all, to see if she 
might be willing to drop the subject. It 
was obvious that I had hit a sore spot. 
Suddenly her shoulders were stiff, her 
face tight, her lips pressed together. 
From under her sexy blue halter and 
space-suit pants, from under her hard 
body and youthful skin, I saw the 
schoolmarm emerging, the woman she 
had the potential to become: stiff and 
cold and barren. It was distressing. I 
turned my best smile on her. “Because 
you're so young and beautiful,” I said, 
trying to sound comically flirtatious, 
“because your beauty is so becoming- 
ly dressed in the robes of artistic spir- 
We 

She shoved me. "Stop it," she said. 
“Tell me the truth.” The stiffness disap- 
peared and she returned to her youth- 
ful self, though she still seemed wor- 
ried. She stepped closer to me and 
hooked her arm through mine. We 
were walking with the crowd, in a 
stream of people, and when a young 
man walking toward us caught Chrys’ 
eye and smiled at her, she ignored him. 
“You think it’s a mistake, my teaching, 
being this young and teaching? I 
mean, shouldn't I be in Paris or some- 
thing, being decadent, hanging out 
with Van Gogh types instead of with 
Mr. Miller, who cops feels off me when- 
ever the hallway's crowded?" 

I said, “Look around, Chrys. Look 
where you are.” At that moment we 
were walking past an elaborate castle- 
like structure, complete with moat and 
drawbridge and a pair of young wom- 


en in shimmering veils dancing on the 
battlements. “Van Gogh would have 
cut off his other ear for a chance to 
hang out here for a weekend.” 

Chrys brightened at that notion. She 
smiled genuinely. “This is wild, this 
place, isn't it?” 

We had been moving away from the 
center of Burning Man, back toward 
our encampment, but there was still 
craziness going on all around us—and 
there was a tangible sense of growing 
excitement as the day wore on toward 
the climactic burning, which would 
happen some time after dark. All 
around us there was dancing, and little 
parades, and singing and music. It felt 
to me like a Bourbon Street of Alterna- 
tive Culture, a Bourbon Street picked 
up and dropped in the middle of the 
desert. "Wild, absolutely," I answered. 
“But too hot. Must be a hundred and 
ten. I'm looking forward to my air-con- 
ditioning." We were nearing the van 
and the tent. "Why don't you come in 
and take a nap with me,” I said. “It'll be 
too hot in your tent." 

"A nap?" 

"Sure," I said. And then, emphatical- 
ly, "A siesta!" 

Chrys seemed amused with me. "A 
siesta," she repeated. 


ight.” She pointed at the van, 
which was now directly alongside us. 
“It's probably a blast oven in there,” 
she said. “Honk when it's cool.” She 
went on to her tent and threw back the 
flap, then crawled in. 


1 had left the van's windows open a 
crack, so it wasn't exactly a blast oven— 
but it was close. I cranked it up and 
turned on the air and in ten minutes 
it was cool enough to climb in and 
straighten things out a bit. I liked my 
van. It was one of the few possessions I 
took away from the divorce, Alicia, my 
ex-wife—my second ex-wife—was an 
entirely domestic creature: a woman of 
minivans and suburban houses, of Lit- 
tle League and den mother-dom. Men 
kept disappointing Alicia. She divorced 
me when a student I had slept with 
showed up at our front door, wanting 
to have a talk with her. The fact that I 
was deeply sorry about what had hap- 
pened, that I hadn't intended for it to 
happen, that it had been a one-time 
thing, a mistake I swore would never 
happen again—all that made no differ- 
ence. Alicia had had it with men. When 
that girl showed up at the door, it 
meant I was gone. Alicia pitched my 
stuff out the windows. I drove away in 
the camper. 

It was not a good time. I got in touch 

(continued on page 166) 


РЕ,‏ و 
LAL‏ 


"I don't like the looks of that!” 


QU apr Gu 


wilt 


75 


playboy s guide To the mellow side 


Gara tef wide. 


It’s late saturday night. A soft rain falls on the weary city streets. 
Youre standing outside one of the hippest nightclubs in town, hands 
in your pockets, waiting to get in. suddenly the door opens, and you 
hear a sound that starts your toes tapping and your fingers snapping. 
Dancers twirl across the room, skirts are swirling, trumpets are growl- 
ing, saxophones are honking. Get hep, daddy-o, it’s Swing Night! 

The bands are jumping, the dancers are bumping. It’s where the 
hippest chicks and coolest cats hang out. New dubs are popping up all 
over the country, making room on their stages for saxes and cornets, 


D 
E 


eee eoe ово 


76 


by bob sloan and steven guarnaccta 


They join such havens of the Swing Revival as the supper Club and ir- 
ving Plaza in New York, where jitterbugs cut the rug every weekend. 
Heres how to get in the know on what you need to be hep. we'll 

wise you up to the lingo and the right music. Well clue you in on the 
proper clothes. And then, once you're togged in some swellelegant 
vines, we'll give you the lowdown on what to do on the dance floor. ts 
your official guide to the mellow side. Follow our line, Frankenstein, 
and you'll be able to walk into any joint that’s jumpin’ and feel right at 
home, a mellow fellow, a killer diller, a very hep cat. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVEN GUARNACCIA 


LETS MOP 

1 your chick is in the 
know, she'll want to be out 
оп the dance floor, jumpin’ 
and swingin’ with 
the rest of the cou- 
ples. if you haven't 
spent any time at | 
Arthur Murray's 
lately, you тау || 
have to ad-lib it. 
Fortunately, fak- | ш 
ing the lindy is |, 
easy, as long as 
your partner 
knows what 
she is doing. 
Once on the 
floor, act cool. 


You're standing in the club, glomming the 


chicks for a dish delish to dance the next 
number with. You want to look cool, hep, a 
solid sender. Heres how: Step one: Keep 
your hand relaxed and low—by your waist 
or just off your hip. Keep your forearm loose, 
moving only your wrist. Start counting to the 


The lingo you'll need to sound hep 
while talking to your duchess between 
dances: 

Abercrombie: Know-it-all 

Able Grable: Well-built girl 

Apron: Bartender 

Bag with a sag: Unattractive, heavy girl 


Beat to my socks: Very tired 

Blow your wig: Uncontrollably excited 
Boodle: Lots of money 

Cake eater: Sissy 

Chamber of commerce: Меп room 
Chicken ala king: Your steady girl 


Л tep3 
music; “I-and-2-and-3-and-4-and.” Snap оп 
the offbeat—the first “and.” Step two: On 
the second offbeat, tip your head slightly to 
the side. Dont force it, just let it drop gently, 
while maintaining a diffident, aloof expres- 
sion. OK, now you're ready for Step three: 
Repeat step one, locking in the gaze of the jit- 


Cooking with gas: Doing fine 
Copacetic: Everythings OK 

Dead pigeon: Uninteresting person 
Dicty: High class 

Doa Garbo: Remain aloof 

Drip: Undesirable person 

Droolin' with schoolin’: Overeducated 
Duchess: Steady girl 

Fire extinguisher: Chaperone 

Gams: Legs 


/ Keep hold of her hand 
while suavely leaning to 
‚one side, then to the other 
as she twirls around. Raise 
your arm and she'll duck un- 
der it. Spread your feet 
and she'll slide through 
your legs. Pull her gen- 
tly and she'll spin to- 
ward you so you can 
wrap her in your 
arms. Just hold on 
tight and when 
in doubt, wig- 
gle your finger, 
tap your toes 
and keep a co- 
pacetic look on 
your mug at 
all times. 


CT 


terdoll you have your spotters on. Step four: 
Establish eye contact while bringing your 
hand up to your fedora. Tap the brim with 
the tip of your index finger while simultane- 
ously tilting your head down slightly. Then 
direct your finger in her direction, accompa- 
nied by an inviting glint in your eye. 


Grab the ozone: Please go 
Gruesome twosome: Enga, 
Kink in the konk: Headacl 
Leaky: One who talks too much 

Lip: Attorney 

Marble town: Cemetery 

Nodbox: Bedroom 

Percolate: Stroll 

Storked: Pregnant 

Walking the plank: Falling in love 

Wear a smile: To be naked 

You melt me, Jackson: Im thrilled 
(from the"Hepcats jive Talk Dictionary") 


couple 


78 


7 
GENE KRUPA 


ё 


eo 
e 

ES? 
Tin 

(small ce 


страт POPPI DADDIES 


Corpus Togged To 
De Hepcat The Bricks 


Air bags: Lungs Barkers: Shoes 
Blinkers, gims, spotters: Eyes Pulleys: Suspenders 
Bark: skin Threads: Wardrobe 
Benders: Knees, elbows 
Hinges: Elbows 
Grabbers: Hands 


Feelers: Fingers 
Groundpads: Feet Racket jacket: Zoot suit 


SMACKER 
(а 4212: ball) 


Striders: Trousers 
Bluff cuffs: Narrow cuffs 
Coffee bags: Trouser pockets 


Five SPOT 
(5 dollar 1) 


Brush: Mustache Violin cases: Big shoes 
Choppers: Teeth Long with links: Fancy key chain. 
Hoppers: Arms Dicer: Hat 
Flippers, mikes: Ears Choker: Tie 
Schnozz Nose 
Stems: Legs 
Dreambox: Head 
Map: Face 
Snags: Tonsils White one: Shirt 
Shutters: Eyelids Reet pleats: Wide pleats 


Pinchers: Tight pair of shoes 
Squeezer: Tight belt 
Latch for the gate to your front yard: Stickpin 


Г i 
2 ار‎ 3 
Repeat these moves twice. (1) Slap those grabbers on your thighs. (2) Clap ‘em at the waist. (3) shuffle ‘ет, right over left and left over right. 
(4) Tap your fists in the same order and then (5) make like youre going to hitchhike, each hand raised over your shoulders, then together. 


Woodpile: Xylophone Tubs, hides: Drums Í eo 
Gutbox, 885, goola: Piano | Ivories: Piano keys 


Potato masher: Drumstick Pot lids: Cymbals ЕО я 
Doghouse: Bass fiddle Gas pipe: Trombone sticky хее TUBS 
Licorice stick: Clarinet Iron horn: Cornet (clarinet) (hass Fiddle) (Grums) 


SPINNING 
THE 
PLATTERS 


AN ESSENTIAL SWING 
DISCOGRAPHY 


For ditterbugaing 


These are the discs to play at your house party, to 
keep the dancers mopping all night: 


Duke Ellington, “The Blanton-Webster Band” 
(RCA): Quintessential swing. 

Count Basie, "The Complete Decca Recordings" 
(GRP): Kansas City swing at its best. 


Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, “Zoot Suit Riot": Con- 
temporary jump blues. 


Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, "Big Bad Voodoo Dad- 
dy" (EMI-Capitol): The name says it all. 


Benny Goodman, "Greatest Hits" (RCA). 


Music from the movie "Kansas City" (Verve): 
Old wine in a new bottle. Young cats play the. 
Kansas City standards. 


Get Hep 


Dig these discs to maintain the proper degree of 
hipness: 


Louis Jordan, “One Guy Named Louis" (Capi- 
tol): Jumpin and stompin’ till the break of dawn. 

Slim Gaillard, “Laughing in Rhythm: The Best 
of the Verve Years” (Verve): No one was hipper 
than Slim-a-rooni. 


Cab Calloway, “Are You Hep to the Jive?” (Co- 
lumbia): Mr. Hi-De-Ho. 


After Hours 


After you get home from the club, here are some 
mellow sounds for your late-night listening 
pleasure: 


Ben Webster:"Soulville" (Verve). 


Frank Sinatra: “In the Wee Small Hours” 
(EMI-Capitol). 


"Count Basie Swings, Joe Williams Sings" 
(Verve). 


ORCHESTRA 


a guide to the jumpin joints 


ow that we have briefed you 

on the principles of swing- 

manship, you need to know 
where to show off your savvy. No sweat. 
Clubs around the country have added 
swing nights to their weekly calendars. 
Here's our coast-to-coast guide to the 
swingingest clubs. 

LOS ANGELES: Ever since it took center 

‚ein the movie Swingers, the Derby 
(4500 Los Feliz Boulevard, Hollywood, 
213-663-8979) has been regarded as 
the heppest swing spot in town, which 
means you just might be flipping and 
twirling next to such celebrities as 
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney 
and Geena Davis. Monday is lindy 
hop night. Sunday through Thursday 
nights feature free dance lessons. (Cov- 
er charges begin at $5.) On Fridays and 
Saturdays, the Beverly Hilton’s Co- 
conut Club (9876 Wilshire Boulevard, 
Beverly Hills, 310-285-1358) is remi- 
niscent ofa lush old-Hollywood supper 
club, with its silver and gold palm trees, 
full menu and live big-band music. The 
$20 cover charge includes dance les- 
sons and access to Chimps, the swank 
cigar room. Doors open at 7:30 р.м. On 
Tuesdays, Hollywood Athletic Club 
(6525 Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood, 
213-962-6600) hosts its swing night, 
drawing a crowd of hundreds to its 
dance floor. Keep an eye on the Viper 
Room (8852 Sunset Boulevard, West 
Hollywood, 310-358-1881) if it revives 
its wild swing nights. Also check out the 
Rhino Room (7979 Center Avenue, 
Huntington Beach, 714-892-3316) and 
Deuces' (2020 Wilshire Boulevard, 
310-829-1933). 

NEw YORK: Local hipsters spend Fri- 
day and Saturday nights swinging to 
live music at the Supper Club (240 
West 47th Street, 212-921-1940), which 
has a 2000-square-foot dance floor. Be- 
cause of the club's art deco decor and 
flawless dancers, you'll ask yourself, Is 


= 
= 


it the cosmopolitan I just drank ог have 
I stepped into Forties Hollywood? On 
Wednesdays try Don Hill's (511 Green- 
wich Street, 212-219-2850), where 
doors open at eight and it costs only a 
five-spot to get in if you're sporting 
vintage clothing. The swank-yet-not- 
too-cool Lansky Lounge (104 Norfolk 
Street, 212-677-9489) features small 
swing bands on Tuesdays and more- 
established acts on Big Daddy Swing 
Thursdays, including dance lessons at 
tenand live music at eleven. 

CHICACO: Forget the blues, swing's 
the thing with the postcollege set. The 
premiere spot is Liquid (1997 North 
Clybourn, 773-528-3400), which boasts 
a giant dance floor and offers swing 
lessons nightly at 7:30 (except Monday 
and Saturday). A DJ spins swing hits on 
"Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the Big 
Swing, a ten-piece, five-horn band, 
jumps every Thursday. (Cover charges 
range from $6 to $10.) Every Monday, 
the Beat Kitchen (2100 West Belmont, 
773-281-4444) features live swing 
bands. Other cool venues include the 
Elbo Room (2871 North Lincoln, 773- 
549-5549), the Green Mill (4802 North 
Broadway, 773-878-5552), Olive (1115 
North Northbranch, 312-280-7997) 
and Frankie’s Blue Room (16 West 
Chicago, Naperville, 630-416-4898). 

SAN FRANCISCO: Locals can dance to 
swing seven nights a week at North 
Beach's HiBall Lounge (473 Broad- 
way, 415-397-9464), a club with a pop- 
pin’ dance floor. 

ATLANTA: Swingers (3049 Peachtree 
Road, 404-816-9931) has two dance 
floors and lessons at 9:30 Wednesday 
through Saturday. 

SEATTLE: Check out Zoot Suit Sun- 
days at the Showbox Showroom and 
Lounge (1426 First Avenue, 206-628- 
3151), which feature introductory and 
intermediate lessons. They supply the 
music, you supply the racket jacket. 


New York's Supper Club: a Forties time warp. 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 
BY CRAIG VETTER 


HE HAS FAME, A BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND A LEGENDAR 
BEST FRIEND. IS THAT ANY REASON TO HATE THE GUY? 


Г n the Saturday eve of the 
last regular-season game 
between the New York 

Knicks and the Chicago Bulls at Madi- 
son Square Garden, Ahmad Rashad sat 
in his suite at New York's Plaza Hotel, 
smoking an expensive cigar, talking 
about how he knew it was time to get 
out of football. “I'd always felt in con- 
trol out there,” he said of his ten-year 
NEL career, “and as 1 got older I felt 


1 was losing some of that.” He spoke 
in the easygoing, offhand cadence that. 


is his television trademark and that , 


seems to put a half-smile into almost 
everything he says. "I'd made the Pro 
Bowl the year before, but I didn't want. 
to stay around till the guys with the 
wrong numbers on their backs started 
running me down. 1 wanted people to 
tell me I quit too soon instead of hang- 
ing around till I wasn't any good any- 


more. A lot of athletes do that, and it's 
a shame." 

“What about your friend Michael 
Jordan?" I asked him. "They're billing 
tomorrow night as maybe his last ap- 
pearance at the Garden. Is he going to 
go out on top? Is this his final season?" 

Rashad smiled, shook his head and 
took a puff. “Who knows?" he said, as if 
he gets his information about Jordan 
from the sports pages like the rest of 


AHMAD RASHAD 


“THERENWERE 
COACHES 1 
НАТЕП АМО 
WOULDEHAVE 
LOVEDETOVBEAT| 
UP.IBUTÍVOU 
DIDN'TEDOLIT" 

“PVE[NEVER 

TAIED ТО Ж. 

ADVANCE 

MY)CAREER 

OFFÜKNOWING! 

MICHAEL. 


OUR 
FRIENDSHIPIIS 
JUST) ШҮЛЕН 

A FRIENDSHIP” 


sure, there's a lot оғ neat StUFF out there-here's what 
it can actually do For you 


article by andy ihasiko 


я Short History ағ 
Palmtop Computing 


hough Apple's Newton Messagepad line (recently 
discontinued, reportedly to make way for future 
Macintosh-based palmtops) made the biggest splash with 
the concept of handheld computing, 3Com's Palm series 
has refined the concept. While the Newton was designed 
with enough features to do everything for everybody, the 
Palm sticks to the compulsories: Itis trivially small, it nicely 
tracks addresses and appointments and records the odd 
note and, most important for this category, it's affordable. 
The Palm has proved to excel in the freestyle category, 
too. It's beloved by developers and as such has inspired a 
flurry of third-party software that greatly expands its 
repertoire. The latest entry, the Palm III, gives users what 
they want (more memory, chiefly) while maintaining the 
simplicity and low price that made the originals great. 
What of palmtops based on Windows CE? They make 
your Windows data more portable, but they have little of 


The Paim ІН ie simple to инв. noosa up tc 
your computer end nee lote oF memory 


the ease and elegance of the Apple, 3Com or Psion devices. 
Those capable of word processing and other big-machine 
tasks are generally priced within a nine iron of a nice, 
cheap Windows notebook, anyway. However, Windows CE 
2.0 supposedly gives designers and programmers greater 
flexibility. So better products may be on the way. 


The Need For Speed 


he universal law of speed is that it roundly sucks, 

especially when you don't have it and someone else 
does. The easiest and most satisfying way to boost the 
speed of your hardware is, of course, the Dumpster 
Upgrade. But you can't buy a whole new machine just 
because you're dissatisfied with how fast your solitaire 
reshuffles and deals. Short of that, a range of options are 
available. 

Painless: Change your system settings. Your computer 
can get tripped up by simple changes in the way it does 
business. Change the color depth of your monitor to the 
smallest range of colors you can work with: A display that 
is eight bits (256 colors) deep makes the machine do 25 
percent of the heavy lifting required by a 32-bit di 
"Turn off virtual memory if you can live without it 
performance cannibal. Check for unnecessary hidden 
programs launched and left running at start-up—thcy re. 
found in the Start-up Items folder on a Macintosh, or in the 
Start-up programs under the Start menu in Windows 95. 

Do some spring cleaning. Keep your hard 
disk at least ten percent empty at all 
times, which should enable the OS to 
stash files faster. If you haven't done 
so in more than a year, defragment 
your hard drive (with a disk utility 
such as Norton Utilities or with Win- 
dows 95's built-in utility). This proce- 
dure tidies up your data so the drive 
heads don't have to move around a lot to read 
them. Don't keep more fonts installed on your system than 
you need: An enormous list of installed fonts slows 
operations, particularly launching and quitting programs. 
Clean up your operating system: Check all system ex- 
tensions and additions, and make sure they are up to date. 
(Visit the company Web sites for each of the products 
installed in and on your system; updates are usually free.) 
An antique bit of code that's subtly incompatible with your 
OS can cause things to grind to a halt. And once a year, 
back up your data, reformat your hard drive and reinstall 
all your software from master disks. 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID PLUNKERT 


(A) Kitty, with enhanced sense of personal 
territory. 
(B) Magnetic reed switch mounted on ا‎ — 
interior door jamb, interfaced to the computer via Beehive Technologies’ ADB 
1/0 data acquisition and control box. - 
(C) Power Macintosh, called Crunchy Frog. One of seven computers on house 
| network. Primarily tasked as liaison between house network and the Big 
Room. i.e.. everything outside the house. Up and running 24 hours a day. 
(D) Video camera, composite output connected to Crunchy Frog's 
video-in jack. 
(Е) Darth Vader action, lights and sounds bank. Ordinarily 
operated by dropping coin in slot but interfaced via ADB 
1/0 box so that it can be activated by Crunchy Frog. 
(F) Laser printer, running 24 hours a day to process 
incoming Faxes, Features a deep output bin just aft of its 
fusion rollers. It's a reliable source of heat and thus 
encourages warmth-addicted Kitty to put his own desire 
for comfort ahead of owner's need For reliable 
communications. 


Activation Sequence 


(1) While owner is away at trade show, Kitty, drawn by siren call of 
print-bin warmth, leaps against doorknob until he gains entry. 
Magnet taped to door swings away from switch, causing circuit 
to open, thus notifying Crunchy Frog. 


(2) Crunchy Frog waits five seconds, then silently captures 
image-Form video Feed. This image (drawing 2) is attached to a 
message detailing date and time door opened, and is e-mailed 
to owner. 


(3) Owner receives alert in hotel room. Sees Kitty wantonly 
defying his will by napping in printer tray. Sends a reply message. 


10: erunchyfrogeihnatko.com 
SUBJECT: !password-DAHLIA 
kitty-countermeasure 


In “away” mode, Crunchy Frog checks its e-mail every quarter 
hour. It receives this message, sees that the password is correct 
and executes kitty-countermeasure—a prewritten script of 
instructions. Computer activates Darth Vader bank. Darth lights 
up and starts swinging his light saber wildly while “Star Wars” 
music and dialogue blare (drawing 3). Crunchy Frog takes another 
picture immediately and one more a minute later, then e-mails 
results to owner. 


(4) Waiting in hotel room, owner picks up e-mail and 
observes events From 3000 miles away. Kitty is reminded 
that he is utterly powerless against the Dark Side, and 
owner receives confirmation (drawing 4) that this 
demonstration has made the appropriate impression upon 
the subject. 


Stupid AV Treks 


Homemade Movies 
Nineties Style 


The Technological Date 


hatever other uses electronic gadgets may have, at 

least they should be good for getting you closer to 
women. A guy at our office likes to create digital home 
movies of his girlfriends—complete with music sound- 
tracks. Experience tells us the impact of a high-quality 
video tribute is substantial and often provokes a romantic 
response. And if that relationship doesn't work out, the 
effort can make a lovely parting gift—or just one more 
thing to put on your Web site. Here's what our digital 
moviemaker suggests you'll need to get started. 


Video Equipment 
Consumer-level camcorders such as Hi-8 or VHS are 
fine for your moviemaking tasks. Add a VHS or S-VHS 
VCR to your setup for video output and taping. 


Computers 

For use in digital yideo production, Power Macintosh 
and Pentium-class computers are the best. Although you 
can use older Macs with NuBus architecture, it's best to 
operate with newer PC or Mac PCI systems. They re much 
faster and provide better playback and capture performance. 

New in the digital video environment is FireWire, an 
input-output standard that offers digital transfer from 
digitally driven devices (DV camcorders). Make sure your 
monitor provides NTSC or PAL display capability, and the 
larger the monitor display, the better. 


Hard Drives 
For data transfers, a one- to four-GB drive should be 
sufficient for short video production. For longer videos, 
consider a nine-GB drive and possibly an array system. 


All across America, in every office and every cubicle, 


camcorder Mec/PE еэрвейеге hard drive 


The more memory, the better. Although you can make 
movies with as little as 16 megabytes, it will be excruciat- 
ingly slow. Better to start with at least 32 to 64 MB and 
move up from there. 


Video- and Audio-Capture Hardware 

Look for cards that offer at least 320x240 or 640x480 
resolution and that capture 15 to 30 frames per second, 
with composite input and output. 

Video-capture cards with audio capture are preferable, 
but if yours doesn’t include it, make sure that your Mac or 
PC has a factory-installed audio card. Otherwise, you 
should purchase one that can capture 44kHz, 16-bit (CD 
quality) audio. A pair of good stereo speakers will round 
out this package. 


Software 
Although there are a number of video software packages 
available, the new Adobe Premiere 5.0 is an example of 
an accessible video software with high-end technological 
capabilities. 
Becoming a videographer and moviemaker has never 
been easier. —ARTHUR SMILEY 


people want to know 


when they can get DVD drives for their PCs. And with good reason: DVD is the 
ripest scam for corporate layabous since the advent of the CD drive, which allowed 


us all to bring our Beatles collections into the workplace. 
Alas, the DVD transition won't be quite so simple. While the CD-ROM drive contained everythin, that 
was needed to spin "The White Album” (as well as that phone database), a DVD-ROM drive can’t play vi 


without a lot of support from your computer. Cheap Macs and low-end Wintel machines are out 


which for now is proc 


Macs and midrange Pentiums need apply. More important, though, DVD video relies on the MPEG 
ed with special decoder hardware. Several developers promise 
decoders. But unless your computer is so fast that switching it on causes every dog in the ni 
bark, there'd better be an empty slot in there somewhere. 

If your boss falls for it, though, you'll be set for one ofthe best possible viewing enyironmel 


Only a truly exceptional video monitor can render the high fidelity and resolution ofa DVD image аз] 
as can a computer screen, which was, after all, engineered specifically so you could easily see that a Sp 


H isn't really an Е. 


Still, even without the video frills, DVD-ROM is an intriguing proposition for the PC. When formatted 


strictly for data purposes, a single disc can hold as much as 16 gigabytes of informatio 
amount stored by a standard CD-ROM. What effect will this haye on data publishing? After all, it was once 
impractical to try to sell a complete national phone directory; CD-ROM allowed every listed number in the 
country to be collected on a pair of CDs. Five years after DVD-ROM takes root, you may be able to not only 
find the phone number of a long-lost classmate but also pull up a stored satellite image and make sure his 


house isn't more expensive than yours. 


‘oughly 25 times the 


Mice Forthe 


he Web is a great tease when it comes to helping you 
out with women. Within moments of making your 
new e-mail address public, you'll be flooded with invita- 
tions from willing young women to visit their Web sites 
for $14.95 a month. And singles’ live chat rooms may be 
everywhere and always busy, but they're of no use to the 
single guy unless he has a fetish for middle-aged men 
pretending to be lonely college girls whose roommates 
have gone home for the weekend. 

So perhaps the Internet is a washout for target ac- 
quisition. But if you manage to get the date on your own, 
the Web can help you make the most of it. 


Get Her ina Romantic Mood: Film Nation's Date Movies 
What do you know about the sort of movies that make 
a woman swoon? Nothing, that's what. If you've never 
stepped beyond the Trucks on Fire aisle at Blockbuster, 
you need this master compendium of surefire chick films. 
(http:/homearts.com/depts/pl/movie/67fndate.htm) 


Cook Her a Meal: The Recipe Ring 

‘This is a Web ring (a chain of linked, related sites) that 
will answer any cooking questions you might have, 
including what to make for your date at the last minute 
when all you have on hand is half a lemon, a pound of 
processed American cheese and a box of stuffing mix. 
(http://uruw geocities.com/NapaValley/2267/recipering. html) 

And Mix Her a Pitcher of Perfect Freezing Garrets: 

‘The Webtender 

One of the handiest wine-and-spirits sites on the Web 
tells you how to mix any of 4000 drinks as well as what 
you can make when all you have on hand is half a lemon, 
a pound of processed American cheese and a quarter ofa 
bottle of vermouth. (hitp:/Auww.webtender.com) 


Be Gallant to Her Last Man’s Goofus: 
Real Dates From Hell 
Benefit from these true stories submitted by the people 
who lived them. Don't risk being the second man in her 
life who eats spaghetti with his hands. (http://dating. mining 
co.com/library/blhell.htm) 


Just Like a Brother: Make Her Your Platonic Friend 

By taking this advice as a negative 
example, you can avoid those 
four little words no man wants 
to hear. And if you've already 
heard them, maybe read- 
ing these stories will make 
you think twice about be- 
ing bitter. (http://www.wiz 
ard.net/—joelogon/platonic) 


The Shiny 


he new translucent 

¡Mac boasts no straight 
lines except, perhaps, the 
one that connects it to the 
Internet. Apple is betting that 
its radically designed desktop 
will catch on with consumers who 
are looking for an easy-to-use, high-performance com- 
puter at a bargain price ($1299). Apple's hopes for 


Web Sites That Don't 
Waste Your Time 


F ive Web sites that are actually useful: 

* What's the name of that old movie about a circus, 
where the high-diver gets killed and everyone thinks the 
wife did it? The Internet Movie Database (http://www. 
imdb.com) offers answers on just about every movie, TV 
movie and TV show ever made, even really pathetic ones 
like Carnival Story (1954). It’s search-oriented, so it's as 
indispensable as it is exhaustive. 

ө Is it going to be on TV anytime soon? TV Guide's 
online listings (http://www.tvgen.com/tv/listings) are 
useful mainly for searching. Provide your zip code and a 
few search terms (such as the name of an actor) and— 
bingo—you'll be presented with a list of every show Clint 
Howard will be on in the next two weeks. 

* Am I dreaming or did that really happen? Check out 
http://dailynews.yahoo.com, Yahoo's page for current 
news. (Sometimes the news is just a few minutes old.) It 
collects info from a range of wire services and other news 
sources. 

1 have a song in my heart but ГИ be damned if I 
know what it is. World Wide Music (http://www.world 
widemusic.com) and CDNow (http://www.cdnow.com) 
have tens of thousands of discs in their catalogs, and you 
can listen to samples of most of them before you buy. 
Once you've found something you like, you can order 
online—or just exploit the sites for the sound samples 

* My girlfriend told me to meet her ata place I have no 
idea how to get to. Type in any known U.S. street address 
and Maps On Us (http://www.mapsonus.com) will draw a 
detailed street map of that location. If you have a GPS 
Teceiver, it will even give you satellite coordinates. 


More Video-Card Tricks 


You've heard great things about the audio and video 
capabilities of modern PCs, and you intend to explore 
them—right after you're done playing Quake Ш through 
your 200-watt home theater system on your big-screen 
television. 

But unless you have an expensive prosumer video 
card, all your video card can do for you 
is capture single images from a 
video source, such as a VCR 
or a camera. But happily, a 
computer's strength is its 

ability to engage in brain- 
Jess activity for tremen- 
dous lengths of time 


(concluded on page 156) 


пеш Apple 


the iMac also rely on the 

powerful lure of the 

Internet. The iMac has 

been put together with 
many networking options 
in mind. The computer comes 
with a built-in modem and an 

Ethernet card. Apple is betting that it has itself a 
winner—and it may very well be right. —AS. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 166. 


po o. е 


"That's ту dad. He loves ships, but he doesn’t trust the men who 
go down to the sea in them.” 


89 


‚THE NEW 


TEAM SHELBY'S 
SERIES 1 JUST MAY BE 
THE ULTIMATE ROADSTER 


Cars BY KEN GROSS 


Each Playmate of the Year re- 
ceives an exciting car as one of 
her gifts, but no gift provides 
the impact and incredible per- 
formance of this year’s auto- 
motive pick—the Shelby Series 
1, Fortunately, Karen McDou- 
gal (Miss December 1997), 
who was featured receiving the 
car in our July issue, loves to 
drive. The Series 1 is the spiri- 


tual successor to one of Ameri- 
ca’s greatest sports cars: Car- 
roll Shelby’s Cobra. Conceived 
in the Sixties, the Cobra was 
that decade’s quintessential 
road-racing hot red. Cobras 
fitted with a 450-hp motor 
could sprint to 60 mph in four 
seconds and outperform any 
production Ferrari. With some 
of the best drivers at the wheel, 
the cars won races from River- 
side to Le Mans. Today, an 
original snake sells for six fig- 
ures and is so scarce that it 
has spawned a host of kit-car 
imitators. The new, limited- 
production Shelby Series 1 is 
a highly sophisticated sports 
car made of aircraft-inspired 
alloys and carbon fiber. It's 
blindingly fast, yet very driv- 
able. The car is the first cre- 
ation from Team Shelby, a 
management group created by 
chairman and founder Carroll 
Shelby and Don Rager, presi- 
dent and chief operating offi- 
cer for Shelby American, Inc. 

(text concluded on page 164) 


The limited-edition Shelby Series 1 
roadster pictured on this spread is as 
fast as it looks. The top speed—if you 
ever see it—is 170 mph, and zero to 60 
is clocked in about four seconds. Team 
Shelby, which created this gorgeous 
monster, coupled an aluminum chassis 
with race-car suspension and a light- 
weight carbon-fiber body to a modi- 
fied 325-hp Oldsmobile Aurora V8. It’s 
a marriage made in heaven. Above: 
The Series 1’s sleek cockpit features a 
200-watt Monsoon CD stereo and pow- 
er everything. Only 500 cars will be 
built, each priced at $106,795. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO IZUI 


Fitness by Peter Sikowitz 


GOOD NEWS 
FOR BUSY GUYS: 
YOU CAN GET BUFF 
AND STILL HAVE A LIFE 


his is a guide for 
men who “don't have time” to get 
into better shape. Those who know 
they should do something but just 
can't seem to. Let's put it another 
way: Buddy, can you spare 90 min- 
utes a week to look and feel a hell of 
a lot better? There are 10,080 min- 
utes in a week—90 minutes is less 
than one percent of them. It’s three 
Seinfeld reruns. 

The trouble is, it can be hard to 
start and stick with a plan. To in- 
crease your chances of success, set 
realistic goals and choose a workout 
you'll enjoy. 

Greg Isaacs is a Los Angeles- 
based personal trainer who knows 
how to get people to achieve results. 
He's the author of The Ultimate Lean 
Routine and the director of corpo- 
rate fitness at Warner Bros.’ Fitness 
Center in Burbank, California. His 
clients have included Pierce Bros- 
nan, Vendela, Clint Eastwood and 
Kurt Russell (he worked with Rus- 
sell for the film Soldier, scheduled 
for release this fall) 

“It’s really about using time ef- 
ficiently,” says Isaacs, whose ap- 
proach is refreshingly sensible. “You 
have to take the time for your well- 
being—your physical health and 
your mental health. You can make 
a difference.” Although you won't 
win the Boston Marathon or the Mr. 
Muscle competition with this amount 
of training, it is possible to improve 
upon what you have now, especially 
if you adjust your eating habits 

Here is Isaacs’ plan for beginners, 
or for anyone coming back to train- 
ing after a long layoff. Work out 
Monday through Friday (weekends 
are for good times, which can, but 
don't have to, include fitness), con- 
centrating on cardiovascular ex- 
ercise to (concluded on page 144) 


k c POSITION 2 


POSITION! 


TRICEPS 
RICKBACK 


POSITION t POSITION 2 


CHEST PRESS n J^ 


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тотон ff 


рии 


@ RUNCH 


vosmnı © POSITION 2 


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BICEPS 
CURL 2 


POSITION 2 


If you can make time, spend a 
few minutes doing some type of 
cardiovascular exercise and 
general stretching lo warm ир 
before your weight workout. If 
nol, try to wear a sweatshirt 
and sweatpants over your 
shorts ond T-shirt to keep your 
muscles warm and supple, 
which could lessen the risk of 
strain and injury. 

When doing а cardio or 
weight workout—this routine 
is demonstrated here by Greg 
басу — drink plenty of woter. 
Keep it nearby and drink when 
you're through with a movement. 

When using weights, always 
exhole on exertion, Perform 
the movements slowly—a 
movement from beginning to 
end should take six to eight 
seconds to complete. Concen- 
trate on proper form, not on 
how quickly you con complete 
the exercise. 

For abs, it’s critical to exhale 
on exertion. Remember to re- 
lax your nack ond shoulders by 
locking your fingers behind 
your head ond keeping your 
тей oat of the movement. Pull 
from your abdominals. 

Also on the subject of abs, 
remember you can't spot-re- 
duce. But you con limit your fat 
intake and the amount of food 
you eat, ond you con burn calo- 
ries through exercise. This one- 
‘two combination will make 
your abs more visible 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 16: 


(Э the Cn. ЖӘКЕ 


WAS BORN horse crazy,” 19-year-old Vanessa Gleason 

" declares, plopping her size-three figure into a seat at a 
sunny Santa Monica eatery. "I rode seriously from the 

age of 12 to the age of 16. I did the horse shows. Then I dis- 


covered boys, and I had no time for horses!" Horses, boys, 
surfing, modeling. Lately, the ebullient Mexican American, 
who grew up on the beach in San Diego, has had many op- 
tionson her plate, and given her I-can-do-anything attitude, 
we can't wait to see what she does next. 

t still your dream to work with horses? 


PHOTOGRAPHY 


miss gleason jumps 
into modeling 


A: Oh, yeah. I'd love to have my own stable, be a tr: 
give riding lessons, compete as an Olympic rider. 

Q: And this dream led to animal rights activism? 

A: Yes. 1 used to be hard-core vegan. I belonged to an an- 
imal rights group. I resigned because I was tired of people 
arguing. Plus, I was weak and thin. All I ate were raw foods. 
I like а round body, you know? With meat on the bones. 

Q: Your mom is Mexican, your dad American. How did 
they meet? 

A: Dad was visiting Mexico, and he saw my mom sitting on 


STEPHEN WAYDA 


the beach. It was love at first sight 
They couldn't speak the same lan- 
guage, but three days after they met 
he asked her to marry him. They've 
been married for 25 years 

Q: What were you like as a child? 

А: 1 was a tomboy. I had very 
short hair and wore a shirt with a 
horse on it every day 

Q: How did the tomboy blossom 
into a model? 

A: This sounds like another fairy 
tale, but it's true. 1 was working in a 
mall when an agent came in and 
gave me her number. I was sure she 
was a scam artist, but I called. She 
got me my first jobs, one of which 
was being a Reef girl. 

Q: One of the girls who model 
Reef sandals in surf magazines? 

A: Yep. I'm not a very good surf- 
er, though I can stand up. I love 
long boarding but I had a little acci- 
dent, so I gave it up. 

Q: What happened? 

A: I did a pearl dive and the 
board went under, came back up 
and hit me in the nose. Blood 
gushed out, and J had two black 
eyes. I thought, I can't be doing this 
if I want to model 

Q: You also want to act, right? 

A: 1 do! First I need some lessons. 
I was never even in a high school 
play. I thought those theater people 
were weirdos. But now I feel like I 
can be anything I want. My glass is 
only half full. 


"| used to pretend I wos o horse and 
gollop oround the house,” Vonesso re- 
calls with o lough. “My room was filled 
with horse posters ond stuffed animols.” 


á 


Es 
Г - AN 


MISS SEPTEMBER 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


HIPS: 


Есілге. 10-365 d Ма - 
BIRTHPLACE: SAN DIEGO , CALIFORNIA 


TURNOFFS: 
II " 


ыш шаған REESE DUDEN ЕЕ ЕЕ DIANAN D s 
_BE IMMERSED IN WHAT SEEMS To BE AN EXOTIC, _ 
DV T CULTURE. 
PHRASE I LIVE BY: CARPE DIEM— SEIZE THE DAY ! 
1 srann up For: ANIMAL RIGHTS. T HAVE EN ACTIVE 
ING 
ING, FUE 

ESSENTIAL ISSUES . 


» 


FIRST PLACE AT Blo HAIR BY HAWAIIAN TROPIC 
HORSE SHOW THE Poo PAGEANT IN OAHU 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


During an international gynecology confer- 
ence, an English doctor and a French doctor 
were discussing unusual cases they had treat- 
ed recently. “Only last week,” the Frenchman 
said, “a woman came to see me with a clitoris 
like a melon!” 

“Don't be absurd,” the Brit exclaimed. “It 
couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she 
wouldn't have been able to walk if it were." 

“Aah, you English, always thinking about 
size," replied the Frenchman. "I was talking 
about the flavor!" 


A college physics professor was explaining a 
particularly complicated concept to his class 
when a premed student interrupted him. 
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the 
young man blurted. 

“To save lives,” the professor responded be- 
fore continuing the lecture. 

A few minutes later the student spoke up 
again. "So how does physics save lives?" 

The professor stared at the student for a 
long moment. "Physics saves lives," he said, 
"because it keeps the idiots out of medical 
school." 


How is Viagra like Disneyland? There's a 


one-hour wait for a two-minute ride. 


Р. лувоу сглзяс: “Doc, you have to help me,” 
the desperate man pleaded. “My wife isn’ 
terested in sex anymore. Don't you have some- 
thing I can give her? My life is going utterly 
to hell!” 

The doctor opened his desk drawer and re- 
moved a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily I 
wouldn't do this,” the medic replied. “The 
tests so far indicate that they're very powerful. 
Don't give her more than one, understand?" 

“OK,” the grateful fellow promised. 

That evening after dinner the man's wife 
went to the kitchen to fetch dessert. He pulled 
the pills from his pocket and dropped one into 
her coffee. He thought for a moment, hesitat- 
ed, then dropped in a second pill. And then an 
inspiration struck—and he dropped one pill 
into his own coffee. 

His wife returned and they enjoyed their 
dessert and coffee. A few minutes after they 
finished, the wife shuddered a little and sighed 
deeply, then a strange look entered her eyes 
Ina husky near whisper she said, “Oh God, I 
need a man.” 

‘The husband’s eyes glistened, his hands 
trembled, “Me too,” he said. 


A beautiful blonde took her seat on the first 
day of biology class. The young man behind 
her tapped her on the shoulder and said, 
“What do you think you're doing wearing a 
football jersey?” 

“I bought it,” she said. "Why shouldn't I 
wear it?" 

"You're not supposed to wear one unless 
you've made the team.” 

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "who did 1 miss?" 


John was a little too old to take care of himself, 
so he checked into a nursing home. He quick- 
ly became one of the most popular residents, 
always happy and outgoing. One day, however, 
a nurse saw him walking down the hall look- 
ing very depressed. "What's the matter?" the 
nurse asked. 

“My dick died,” John said. 

“What?” 

“My dick died,” he repeated. 

“Well, sorry to hear it,” the nurse replied, 
patting the man’s shoulder before moving on. 

A few days later the nurse spotted John 
walking down the hall and noticed that he was 
exposed. “John,” the nurse whispered, “your 
penis is hanging out of your pajamas.” 

"I told you my dick died,” he replied. "To- 
day's the viewing.” 


THIS MONTHS MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: А 
chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The 
chicken smoked a cigarette with a satisfied 
smile on its face while the egg frowned, look- 
ing put out. The egg muttered to no one in 
particular, “Well, I guess we answered that 
question.” 


Mu E 


Off the seventh tee, Doug sliced his shot deep 
into a wooded ravine. He took his eight 
iron and clambered down the embankment in 
search of his lost ball. After many long min- 
utes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted 
something glistening in the leaves. As he drew 
nearer he discovered that it was an eight iron 
in the hands of a skeleton. Doug called out to 
his friend, "Carl, I've got trouble down here.” 

“What's the matter?” Carl asked from the 
edge of the ravine. 

“Bring me my wedge,” Doug shouted. “You 
can't get out of here with an eight iron.” 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Buy one, get one free.” 


107 


forget about the coaching, forget about 
the draft picks and free agents. this sea- 
son, the six franchise quarterbacks will 
determine who goes to the super bowl 


ne Super Bowl ring makes youa 
champion. Two make you an ex- 
pert. Jimmy Johnson has the 
| rings and an opinion: Quarter- 
backs win. Games. Champion- 
ships. Hearts. Success always starts with 
the trigger. At least it has for Johnson. 

Had it not been for All-Americas Bernie 
Kosar, Vinny Testaverde and Steve Walsh 
during Johnson’s reign at the University 
of Miami in the Eighties, he still might be 
on campus coaching the Hurricanes, He 
would not have won the games, bowls and 
national championship that so enthralled 
Jerry Jones in Dallas. Had it not been 
for Troy Aikman, Johnson still might be 
coaching the Cowboys. He would not have 
won the two Super Bowls that ignited the 
power struggle between owner and coach 
deep in the heart of Texas. 

Give Johnson a quarterback and he'll 
give you championship visions. Which is 
what the Miami Dolphins have in 1998 
with Johnson on the sideline and Dan 
Marino on the field. 

“The quarterback,” Johnson says, “is 90 
percent of the equation.” 

So forget the four coaching changes 
around the NFL this season. Forget the 
millions of dollars pumped into free 
agency. Forget the infusion of some 200 
draft picks in April. It’s all cosmetic. Fan- 
tasy says 30 teams enter the 1998 season 
with a shot. Reality says there are only 
six—the six with franchise quarterbacks. 

You know the names. You've seen them 
in Super Bowls. You've seen them in Pro 
Bowls. You've seen them on various mag- 
azine covers. Troy Aikman: three Super 
Bowl rings. Brett Favre: three NFL MVP. 
awards. Steve Young: six NFL passing titles. 
John Elway: an NFL-record 138 career 


sports By Rick Gosselin 


ILLUSTRATION EY DAVID SCOTT SINCLAIR 


110 


PLAYBOY'S 
PICKS 


оооооооо A |= С ооовооо о 


Eastern Division: Dolphins 
Central Division: Steelers 
Western Division: Chiefs 

Wild Cards: Broncos, Jaguars, Patriots 


AFC Champion: Steelers over Dolphins 


ecccccco INE FC ееесееесеее 


Eastern Division: Redskins 
Central Division: Packers 
Western Division: 49ers 
Wild Cards: Buccaneers, Cowboys, Lions 
NFC Champion: Packers over Buccaneers 
еееееееееееееееееееееее 
SUPER BOWL 
Steelers over Packers 


victories. Dan Marino: pro football's all- 
time passer in yards and touchdowns. 
Drew Bledsoe: two Pro Bowls. 

When you assemble the Super Bowl 
contenders in this or any other season, 
start with the franchise QBs and their 
teams: Dallas, Green Bay, San Francis- 
co, Denver, Miami and New England. 
They have accounted for 20 division ti- 
tles, eight conference championships 
and six Super Bowls in the Nineties. A 
Favre or a Young gives his team the 
ability and confidence to win any game, 
anywhere, any time. Especially in 
January. 

“The quarterback is what allows you 
to be better than average,” Johnson 
says. “If you're going to make the play- 
offs, he’s going to have to make a few 
plays. If you're going to go all the way, 
he’s going to have to make a lot of 
plays. Quarterbacking is 90 percent of 
what dictates how far you go.” 

Trent Dilfer and Scott Mitchell are 


playoff-caliber quarterbacks. But fran- 
chise quarterbacks? Hardly. The same 
goes for Jeff George and Brad John- 
son. If you want admission to this club, 
you need to play one of those late-Jan- 
wary dates. Like Marino. Then win 
there. Like Favre. Then go again. Like 
Aikman. Then go again and again. 
Like Elway. 

“One win may separate you from the 
pack,” Aikman says. “But I think it 
takes more than one before you really 
sit there and say, ‘Now I've accom- 
plished something.” 

That's why Dallas, Denver, Green 
Bay, Miami, New England and San 
Francisco are the favorites, once more, 
in 1998. Quarterbacks win. But there is 
hope on the horizon for the have-nots. 
The club may be expanding soon 
Mark Brunell at Jacksonville appears 
poised for entry in 1998. So does Kor- 
dell Stewart at Pittsburgh. Further 
down the road is Jake Plummer at Ari- 


zona. And both Peyton Manning and 
Ryan Leaf stroll onto the NFL land- 
scape this fall. Maybe one day they will 
realize the franchise potential that 
made them the top two picks of the 
1998 NFL draft. 

Until then, stick with the Big Six. 
Or Seven. 


NAL FOOTBALL CONFE; 
yard EASTERN DIVISION RENCE 


Wastington. 
Dallas” .. 
NY Giants -.. 
Arizona .. 


Philadelphia ... 
“Wildcard team 


Commission a bust of Aikman for 
Canton today if he never throws anoth- 
er pass in the NFL. Not even Joe Mon- 
tana won three Super Bowis in four 
years, as Aikman did from 1992 to 
1995. With an 11-2 career playoff rec- 
ord, he has mastered the big game. But 
age has deprived his Cowboys of the 
legs to win enough little games to reach 
the big ones. 

Jerry Jones gambled all of his sala- 
ry-cap dollars on the star system. He 
spent lavishly to keep a small nucleus 
of superstars with stars on their hel- 
mets. Early in the decade he decided to 
ride this winner until it dropped. So 
Jones has his bandwagon hitched to 
many of the same horses America’s 
Team rode to that first Super Bowl in 
1992: Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael 
Irvin, Daryl Johnston, Erik Williams, 
Nate Newton and Kevin Smith. 

But Aikman is now 31. Irvin and 
Johnston are 32. Newton is 36. Wil- 
liams turns 30 in September. Emmitt 
Smith is 29 and running in quicksand 
these days. Deion Sanders, the one im- 
pact addition made by Jones in the 
NFLs free-agency era, also is 31. A 
6-10 collapse in 1997 taught Jones 
what the Green Bay dynasty learned in 
the Sixties and what Pittsburgh learned 
in the Seventies: Greatness ages, and 
not always gracefully. The salary cap 
has made this a young man’s game, 
and the Cowboys are trying to compete 
as graybeards. 

Stuck with the same players, Jones 
has changed his approach. Out went 
easy rider Barry Switzer as head coach, 
and in came Chan Gailey, the offensive 
whiz who created the Slash perso- 
na for Kordell Stewart in Pittsburgh. 
Out goes the Dallas power offense, in 
comes the shotgun with finesse-spiced 
four- and five-receiver sets. The Cow- 
boys have always placed the pigskin in 
the hands of Aikman during the post- 
season. Now they are giving him the 
ball in the regular season as well. But 
Aikman doesn't play defense. He can't 

(continued on page 146) 


Immer eem HAS 
GONE THE WAY OF THE DODO 
AND PRESIDENTIAL FIDELITY. jo 
NO INSTITUTION PROVES THAT Mee 
BETTER THAN MEDIA MOGUL 
RUPERT HEMLOCK’S TABLOID { 
| THE UNNATURAL ENQUIRER, S 
WHERE ANNIE HAS TAKEN A 
JOB AS ASSISTANT TO FAMED 
| PAPARAZZO CHARLES “SHUDDER” i”. 
| BUGG. LET'S LISTEN IN ON THE 
MORNING MEETING. 


WATS THE PROBLEM, ‚THE IE PRESS 19 
CUTTING IN ON OUR TURI 


KENNETH STARK? | 
THE SANCTIMONIOLS I MET WHEN SHE 


GREAT! 
SPECIAL PROSELIMOR, БЕ: ШИ BUGG, TAKE 
FOR HER ROLE y 


ERU, RAT INTHE MONICA 
AND WEAD OF THE A LENINGKY story! (0910 WE 


ТЕМІ 
AND STARK Poin THE mm THING! 


MICHAEL JACKSON'S 
CERE А SLEEPOVER 
"THE SOUTH FARK д 


HEY, CHIEF! T JUST GOTA TIP THAT SULTRY 
DEM MORPH AND HER HUNKY HUSBAND, BRUCE 
WILLCALL, ARE HAVING 


MEANWHILE, TLL GET WORD To HER 
BALDING, SHORT-TEMPERED HUSBAND 
AND WELL Y BACK AND WATCH THE 
FIREWORKS ! 


11 


КЕ! Т ONCE WORE A HORSE COSTUME FOR. 3 MONTES 50 E 
T СОЎ GET SHOTS OF PRINCE CHARLES AND CAMILLA A 


ON THE MAID'S UNIFORM, THEN ^ 


TO ENTER, AND 
END YOU'RE DELIVERING TOWELS, 
ND STARK ARE IN ШЕ SACK, TLL 
D GET THE PICTURES / 


$^ 


E. ve? AMBUSH? 
15 THAT ETHICAL 2, 


TVE NEVER FELT 20 DIRTY AFTER 
SHOWER! T'M NOT CLIT ОП FOR. 
m TAPLOV JOURNALISM! 


(С мот COME Back | 
то Бр! Now! G 


Em, 
T^ 


IKE. 
A 


АНА CAUGHT YOU 
HEY. YORE NOT MY 


‚YOU SILICONE SLU- 
WIFE AND 


1 


THOSE ARE 
DEFINITELY Кот SILICONE! 


X ONLY UNE ` 
TE" 


° - 7 
BEMI HOW COULD YOU? 


D ШАШ 62 AND THAT 


N, ANNIE... LETS GET 
ERE! I ОТ SOME 


113 


your pus in two ORE ER defini- 
tion and standard definition. HDTV 
delivers up to 1080 scan lines, more 
than double that of today's TV sig- 
nals and with six times the resolu- 
tion. We saw a high definition broad- 
cast at the Consumer Electronics 
Show last winter and it looked al- 
most three-dimensional. Beyond the 
great picture, HDTV programming 
has the wide, 16:9 aspect ratio of 
movie theater screens plus Dolby 
Digital Surround sound, another cin- 
ema spin-off. By comparison, SDTV 
divides the single HD signal into as 
many as five separate ones. You lose 
the wide-screen dimensions and 
some picture quality, but you'll still 
notice a significant improvement 
over analog television. Why not just 
stick with HDTV? Because extra 
channels mean extra advertising 
revenues, and an opportunity for 
broadcasters to recoup some of 
their investment in new digital gear. 


даланы you' че Then pee The 
average cost of first-generation digi- 
tal televisions will be in the same 
ballpark. Rear-projection DTVs from 
Hitachi, RCA, Mitsubishi, Panasonic 
and others will have screen sizes 
ranging from 50 to 80 inches and 
prices from $4000 to $13,000. Sony 
is expected to introduce a direct- 
view HD Trinitron Wega; no price yet. 
And if price is no object, try Pio- 
neer's wall-hangable digital plasma 
television (pictured here). The slick 
50-inch PDP-501HD weighs just un- 
der 100 pounds and is only 3.86 
inches deep. The price: $25,000. 


pube Boston, Chicago. өңез Detroit, Los Angeles, New York, ЖОШЫ San Francisco and Washington, 


electronics By JONATHAN TAKIFF We've been hear- 
ing that high definition television is just around the corner for 
more than a decade. Well, it’s finally true. Come November, 
broadcasters in the nation’s largest markets will begin trans- 
mitting HDTV signals to anyone who can afford a new digital 
television set. That could be a short list. Remember, it took 
eight years for color TVs to make their way into ten percent of 
U.S. households. But change is inevitable and, thanks to 
strong government backing, so is high definition television. In 
fact, the Federal Communications Commission has mapped 


D.C. All have committed to being on the air with digital programming in November, though we wouldn't be surprised if there 
were some delays, given the technical variations that are being permitted. Visionary digital TV stations in a few smaller 
cities, such as Honolulu, Seattle and Raleigh-Durham, also will be up and running this fall. Broadcasters in the next 20 
largest markets will power up throughout 1999, with the remaining stations going digital by 2003 (as ruled by the FCC). As- 
suming this transition goes smoothly, all analog broadcasting will cease by 2006 (another FCC mandate). Theoretically, if 
you don't have your DTV—or at least a converter box that can pick up the signals—by then, you'll have to kiss broadcast 
programming goodbye. But we Wouldn't want to be president of the V.S. when 98 million households go dark. 


out a strategy that will have all of America watching digital 
television shortly after the turn of the century. Although sev- 
eral technical issues (including a single HDTV standard) re- 
main unresolved, two things are certain: This 21st century 
technology will dramatically improve the picture and sound 
quality of television broadcasts, while enhancing your televi- 
Sion with all kinds of bells and whistles. With an HDTV, all the 
interactivity that we've been promised—from surfing the Net 
via television to armchair shopping—will finally be delivered. 


Here are the answers to the questions everybody is asking. Not much initially. CBS, ABC and 


NBC each promise a minimum of 
five hours of digital broadcasting 
per week beginning November 1. 
N The Tonight Show, ER and movies 
аа such as Men in Black and Titanic 
are expected to be among the 
first to go digital. DirecTV will soon 
dish two pay-per-view HD movie 
channels to DSS subscribers in 
the U.S. and HBO plans two HD 
| movie channels in 1999. But you'll 
have to wait for sports. Our sources 
at CBS and Fox tell us there. 
| aren't enough digital mobile pro- 
' | duction units to do it right just 
| yet. Last to go digital? The news. 


IT’S HERE, 
IT’S CLEAR, | 
GET USED | 
то IT— 


Don't trash it yet; 

broadcasters will 

simulcast analog 

and HD signals at 

least until 2006. If you need a 
new set but don't want to pop for 
a digital one, look for an analog 
TV with component video jacks. 
You can use these jacks to con- 
nect a digital TV converter box. 
The signals you receive, while not 
HD quality, will be far better than 
what you're getting now. The first 
model, Panasonic's TU-DST50, 
costs $1700, but prices of future 


boxes are expected to hit the 
$300 mark quickly. 


al en 


Think interactivity. Future generations of digital television sets will be veritable computers with all kinds of cool multimedia 
capabilities. In addition to picking up remarkable audio and video feeds, they will be able to grab content from the Web and 
receive data and additional info tied to the news or other TV shows. Want to play along with Jeopardy or e-mail your photo 
to Juli and Doria on Night Calls? High definition technology makes that possible. Digital VHS VCRs for capturing broadcast 
digital signals will come from Panasonic and JVC, priced at $1000. On the drawing boards are much less expensive digital 
TVs that display only standard definition pictures, but in a wide-screen perspective. And because core processing chips are 
alike in various digital video products, we may see interesting hybrid audio-video components as soon as next year. RCA has 
hinted about a receiver that delivers DSS, digital and analog programming. Combination DTV and WebTV boxes seem like a 
natural for Philips and Sony. Also in the works: digital TV tuners with DVD drives and, particularly promising, DVD recorders. 


= WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 166. 


115 


116 


INA HARTLEY Is 
THE Qmartest 
WOMAN In 


Porn 
and, as 
chip rowe found out, 


that’s saying a mouthful 


ina Hartley began her career as a sex 
performer in 1983, dancing nude 
once a week at the O'Farrell Theater 
Î in San Francisco while she went to 
school. In 1984, while pursuing a nursing degree 
at San Francisco State University, she appeared in 
the first of more than 400 triple-X films. (She 
graduated magna cum laude from SFSU in 
1985.) Today, at 37, Hartley continues to star in 
adult movies and commands as much as $10,000 
a week to dance at gentlemen's clubs. She is also an 
advocate for sexual freedom, lobbying California 
legislators for more-liberal dancing laws and urit- 
ing essays such as “Frustrations of a Feminist Porn 
Star” and “Pornography at the Millennium.” Last 
year she crossed over to Hollywood, briefly, playing 
the nymphomaniacal wife of a porn crew member 
in the hit film “Boogie Nights.” 

Hartley lives in San Francisco with her hus- 
band, Dave, and their girlfriend, Bobby Lilly. 
They are dedicated nonmonogamists. 

PLAYBOY: You attended a swing party last 
night. How did it go? 

HARTLEY: We had a wonderful time. There 
were seven couples, five of whom participat- 
ed. You're not obligated to do anything but 
be honest and polite. 

PLAYBOY: As they say, “If you can't fuck your 
friends, who can you fuck?” 

HARTLEY: Exactly. You have to like the peo- 
ple, because after you have sex, you usual- 
ly talk. It's an extremely female-positive en- 
vironment. When the women want sex, it 
happens. 

PLAYBOY: Is oral sex adultery? 

Harrıey: It depends on the rules you have 
with your partner. If he goes beyond the 
bounds of the agreement, that’s adultery. On 


PAINTING BY PAT ANDREA 


118 


“You know it's good porn when you turn off 
the movie ond your partner wonts it as 
much os you do,” says Nina, who's been in 
more thon 400 sexvids. Above: Hortley 
occepting a Hot d'Or aword in Cannes. 


the other hand, women need to relax. 
For a lot of guys, getting a blow job is 
not intimate. They don't connect emo- 
tionally, and they don’t love their part- 
ners less because of it. Hillary shouldn't 
give a hoot. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever blown some- 
one you didn’t want to? 

HARTLEY: Sure, but it’s only a blow job. 
It'll be over soon and 1 won't have to 
do it again. When I find myself think- 
ing that, I work hard to make the guy 
come as quickly as possible. 

PLAYBOY: What's the best way to get a 
guy off fast? 

HARTLEY: Grab his dick, look into his 
eyes, talk nasty. Mesmerize him. The 
deal I have with my husband is that T 
will never say no. Even if I’m half 
asleep, I will still do my enthusiastic, 
sloppy blow job best. Hmmm, slurp, 
smack. I'll beso into it. But he only gets 
five minutes. If he doesn't come by 
then, it's not my problem. I've known 
so many women who feel used because 
the guy takes 20 or 30 minutes. 1 say, 
“Don't let him.” But he also shouldn't 
have to masturbate when there's a love- 
ly, warm body next to him. 

PLAYBOY: How does your three-way re- 
lationship work? Do all of you share 
one bed? 

HARTLEY: Bobby has a bedroom and I 
haye a bedroom and Dave bounces 
back and forth. If [ were going to redo 
the logistics, I'd give Dave his own bed- 
room and Bobby and I would share a 
girls’ room. 

PLAYBOY: The three of you put a lot of 
thought into creating Nina's public 
persona. What made you decide the 
world needed Nina Hartley? 

HARTLEY: In the early Eighties, a lot of 
sex-negative forces were heating up. I 
was a bisexual exhibitionist—what was 
T going to do with myself? We asked 
ourselves what pro-sex feminist rhet- 
oric would sound like, and Nina came 
out of that. 

PLAYBOY: So from the beginning, Nina 
had to be- 
HARTLEY: Accepting. A champion of 
desire. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get into porn? 
HARTLEY: It was a gradual process. The 
first step was learning to accept a mas- 
sage. Then I learned to dance nude in 
front of a mirror without dying of em- 
barrassment. Then I danced for my 
husband. Then I did an amateur night 
at a strip club. I enjoyed the attention. 
Attention is why anybody gets onstage, 
with or without their clothes. My first 
film was Educating Nina in 1984 
PLAYBOY: What sex advice do you have 
for men? 

HARTLEY: Never date a woman who 
doesn't masturbate. She doesn't know 
what turns her on, or how to ask for it. 


(continued on page 157) 


“OK—you’re an undercover journalist. So, exactly what are you investigating?” 


degere PLAYBOY’S FALL 


evening after a sum- 


mer of weekends. 
is your pad: Answering AND WI TE 
machine whirs softly, clicks, 


takes a message. Something 


s on the leather so- ^ 
is your woman: She АДУ, 


walks through the front door, 


smiles and slips her copy of e 
Your keysiinto а handbag. | FOR AST 
This is your night: Heels , ¡E ) 


snap across tile, then trail off 
to the kitchen. Sound of a 
drink poured over ice. Two 
drinks. This is your shop- 
ping : Tattersall shirts. 


Contrasting ties. A gray suit. x SLEEK, MUTED 


Thi: her reaction: Mmm, 


baby. This is no joke. . SUITS FOR THE 


MODERN WO 


Sitting pretty, our mon weors a beoutiful 
woman wropped around the shoulders of 
his four-button suit by Emporio Armoni 
($850). It’s mode of cholk-stripe wool. The 
tattersoll shirt is by Brioni ($275). The tie, by 
Etro ($100), is on exomple of today’s tone- 
on-tone patterns. The block belt ($35) and 
the boots ($160) are by Kenneth Cole. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


Surprise the lady in your life with 
this single-brecsted suit from the 
Donno Koron Collection ($1595). 
The pottern is o shodow stripe and 
the wool hos o bit of stretch. Up- 
dote your old suits with this cosh- 
mere V-neck by Belford Men ($250). 
Hold up your ponts with o silver- 
buckled belt by Kenneth Cole ($35). 


FASHION ву HOLLIS WAYNE 


T 


We call the page at left a 
Monet shot. It's an up-close 
take on the tiny elements 
that make up this season's 
loak. When it comes to braad 
calar strokes, gray—the pre- 
dominant colar—is offset oc- 
casionally by tauches of ma- 
genta. Start with your face 
You'll notice that black 
horn-rims (these are by Ken- 
neth Cole Eyewear, $110) 
are surpassing wire-rims as 
the glasses of choice. The 
tattersall shirt beneath them 
is by Briani and has а wide- 
spread collar ($295). The 
tane-on-tone pattern af the 
silk tie (call it red) shows up 
nicely at this scale. It’s by the 
Donna Karan Collection and 
costs $95. The other totter- 
soll tone-on-tone combo is а 
Thomas Pink shirt ($110) 
with a jacquard tie by Erme- 
negildo Zegna ($125). The 
shirt has French cuffs; the sil- 
ver link holding one sleeve 
together is by Elsa Peretti 
($130 а pair). The shirt ot for 
left, the most intricate totter- 
sall an the page, is fram Polo 
by Ralph Lauren |580). The 
magenta cashmere scarf is 
by Meg Cohen ($295). On it 
are two sets of silver links. 
Silver, of course, is the hot 
metal this season. The round 
pair is by Angela Cummings 
($150) and the oblong pair is 
by Harald Nielsen ($300). 


On this page, yau'll find an 
unconventianal beauty. It's a 
singled-breosted suit with 
two colors af pi 

unique design turns the tra- 
ditional banker's uniform in- 
to a younger, mod outfit. The 
creation is by Boss Hugo Boss E 
and costs $B50, The gray 
shirt is by Joseph Abboud 
(S85) and the tone-on-tone 
tie is by the Danna Koran 
Collection ($95). 


a= D | | 


^ Uwe зығы edis ай «іс «базалы. ن‎ 


In your dreams: At left is the en- 
semble suit you could only 
imogine existed. Yes, this sharp- 
looking brown tweed Calvin 
Klein suit ($1650) is actually 
soft. It is matched with a cotton 
shirt ($165) and silk tie ($95) by 
the Donno Koron Collection. 

OK, eventually you'll hove to go 
outside. If you wont your leother 
to stond out in о crowd, consider 
this blozer by Trussardi. It feels 
05 opulent os its price ($1795). 
Pick up о hooded sweoter for 
$165 ond a poir of cords for 
$180. Both ore from Nicole 
Forhi. But don't pull the hood 
over your heod. That's for your 
girlfriend to try when she 

steals the sweoter. 


WOMEN'S STYLING BY ANTONIO BRANCO FOR TRILISE INC. 
HAIR BY FRANCOIS ILNSEHER 
MAKEUP BY RUDY SOTOMAYOR 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 164, 


“You know what they forgot to teach us in survival training? How 
to survive without nooky!” 


GOT A HUNCH? BET IT WISELY 


MONEY MATTERS BY CHRISTOPHER BYRON 


MV 2 some advice? Never place a 
market order for what you be- 
lieve will be a hot stock—especially 
when you've read about the stock in 
the newspapers. 

A lot of people lost a collective for- 
tune last spring when they rushed to 
place “buy at the market” orders for 
shares in а company The New York Times 
reported might have come up with a 
cure for cancer. 

Placing a market order involves 
telling your broker to buy a specified 
number of shares in a stock at what- 
ever the going price is—as opposed 
to telling him, say, “Buy me 100 
shares, but don't go a penny over 
$20 per share,” a so-called limit or- 
der. Market orders are often used 
by investors to buy a rapidly rising 
stock that might be going up faster 
than the investor can adjust his 
limit orders upward. The risk is 
that the stock isn't bought at all 

Back in early May, a stampede of 
“buy at the market” orders hit the 
Nasdaq-traded stock of EntreMed, 
Inc., a Rockville, Maryland med- 
ical research company. EntreMed 
had been working to develop two 
promising anticancer drugs—an- 
giostatin and endostatin—and its 
progress was well known within 
the medical profession. 

As a result, the prospects for 
angiostatin and endostatin were 
already reflected in EntreMed's 
stock price of $12 per share when 
the Sunday New York Times chimed 
in with its take on the drugs. The 
Times rchashed information about 
the drugs that had been published 
in November 1997—only this time 
in a manner that made readers 
think the information was new. 

What happened next is one for the 
books. Thinking the world was learn- 
ing for the first time of a breakthrough 
in the war on cancer, investors by the 
thousands rushed to place “buy at the 
market” orders with their brokers that 
would be filled next Monday morning. 

In the weeks and months prior to the 
Times’ story, fewer than 100 EntreMed 
orders had been traded each day. Dur- 
ing January the average had been 32 
per day. But on the Monday after the 
item appeared in the Times, 46,228 
trades took place. 

According to a Nasdaq official, many 
of these transactions came from in- 
vestors on the Internet, which is hardly 
surprising as one of the big appeals of 
online investing is the opportunity for 


investors to place orders when conven- 
tional brokerages are closed. Yet data 
supplied by E Trade Group, an online 
investing service, show that many on- 
line investors are new to the market. 
These investors learned the hard 
way you can lose—and lose big—even 
when stocks go up. By placing “buy 
at the market” orders for EntreMed 
shares, they generated unprecedented 
(but fleeting) demand for the stock—all 
created by individuals like themselves, 
who'd seen the story in the Times. Says 
Steve Hetlinger, who handles capital 
markets and trading for E Trade 


Group, “There's really only one way to 
protect yourself from this sort of situa- 
tion: Don't place market orders.” 

In fact, there's more to it than that. 
By placing their orders in a dealer 
market such as Nasdaq, investors had 
set themselves up for a fleecing by the 
dealers themselves. 

The New York Stock Exchange's spe- 
cialist system matches buyers and sell- 
ers in a continual auction managed by 
specialists, one for each stock. Nasdaq 
uses broker-dealers, who buy and sell 
shares for their own accounts (they're 
also referred to as market makers). 

"The difference between the two sys- 
terns puts investors at a real disadvan- 
tage with Nasdaq. In a specialist sys- 
tem, buyers and sellers trade with one 
another, with the specialist acting as a 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN O'LEARY 


middleman. In а broker-dealer system, 
investors trade with market makers. 
That means investors never know the 
price actual sellers are offering (or buy- 
ers are bidding) for any given stock. All 
the investors know is the price at which 
the market maker is willing to sell (or 
buy). And the market makers know far 
more about the demand for any given 
security than investors do. 

In the case of EntreMed, 14 differ- 
ent Nasdaq broker-dealers function as 
market makers in the company’s stock. 
By early morning on Monday, May 4, 
they knew something the public did 
not: The avalanche of “buy at the 
market” orders meant EntreMed's 
shares would open at a price vastly 
higher than where it closed Friday. 
The price would be far higher 
than was justified by its prospects. 

It was a situation custom-tai- 
lored for exploitation. Any market 
maker who wanted to do so could 
profit from what amounted to le- 
galized insider trading. He could 
conduct his market-making activi- 
ties so as to take advantage of the 
fact that EntreMed’s price would 
open high, then slump back down 
once supply and demand bal- 
anced. In other words, any market 
maker with a mind to do so could 
fill a “buy at the market” order 
from one of his customers by sim- 
ply delivering shares borrowed 
from someone else. Then, when 
the stock dropped from its open- 
ing price, the market maker could 
go back into the market, buy up 
some shares at the new lower price 
and use them to pay back the 
shares he'd borrowed in the first 
place—the classic strategy ofa Wall 
Street short-seller. 

‘That, in essence, is exactly what hap- 
pened as EntreMed's stock opened at 
nearly $83 per share at 9:30 лм. Mon- 
day. It fell within 30 minutes to barely 
half that price, wiping out 50 percent 
of all the money invested by anyone 
who'd placed “buy at the market" or- 
ders over the weekend. In that first 30 
minutes alone, more than $500 million 
of investor capital was wiped out, every 
penny of it invested in EntreMed only 
minutes earlier. 

Bottom line? If you wouldn't give a 
blank check to a roofing contractor, 
why would you ever consider giving 
one to your stockbroker? 


You can reach Christopher Byron by 
e-mail at cbscoop@aol.com. 


127 


elrose 


om 


lisa rinna is 
great with child 


OME PREGNANT women get cravings for pickles 

and peanut butter. For Lisa Rinna, the yen was 

for something grander than that. “I was at the 

newsstand,” says Lisa, whom you may know as 
Melrose Place’s bad girl Taylor McBride, or as Mrs. Harry 
Hamlin. “I saw a PLAYBOY next to the cash register, and all of 
a sudden something in me said, You have to do PLAYBOY 
pregnant.” 

For a woman from a small town in Oregon who had never 
even considered posing nude, this suggestion (she says it was 
as if she heard a voice) came as something of a surprise. “I 
thought, What?” she says, laughing. “But I was also really 


excited about it.” She polled her best girlfriend, then her 
publicist, then her husband. The reaction from all quar- 
ters, she says, was shock, then consensus: “This could be 
really cool.” 

So she pursued the idea—gingerly, cautiously—convinc- 
ing herself that if it didn't happen, she wouldn't be upset. Af- 
ter all, she could always continue a career that featured a 
mid-Nineties stint on Days of Our Lives before heating up 
with her move to Melrose Place, and a life with Hamlin that 
would soon include the first of the several children she 
would like to have. “I thought, I'm just going to put it ош 
there, and if the universe says this is what I should do, it'll 


^1 always thought that when | became pregnant, I'd do something that wauld change people's perceptions, or make them take another 
look," says Lisa, shown at left with her husband, Harry Homlin. "This might be controversial, but that's never stopped me before.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALBERTO TOLOT 


129 


“What's really ironic," Lisa says 


of the two-day photo session, “is 


that it was the most comfortable 
that I've ever been ot o photo 
shaot. | wasn't embarrassed or 
shy, and | never thaught, What 
am I doing? It was effortless. | 
thought my body looked beauti- 
ful, but it wasn't really about me 
anymore—it was about the oth- 
er being who has come into my 
bady, and into my saul.” 


MAKEUP BY BETH KATZ FOR CLOUTIER 
HAIR BY ENZO ANGILER! FOR CLOUTIER 
STYLING BY XAVIER CABRERA FOR CLOUTER 


"They were lovely with me,” Liso 
says of her Melrose Place bosses, 
who wrote her pregnoncy into 
the show. (The actress she 
replaced, Hunter Tylo, sued over 
her dismissol for becoming 
pregnont.) But Liso opted to leave 
Melrose after this summer's season, 
her new priority being “to spend 
time with the boby, to hang out 
with motherhood for a while.” 


happen. If it doesn't, it'll go away,” 
Lisa says. “But in a strange way, I al- 
so felt that 1 had to do it. As I talked 
the idea through with Harry, I said, 
‘I don't know why, but I just have to 
doit” 

She shrugs. “Like every woman, I 
have always had a fascination with 
PLAYBOY. My dad got it, I saw it in 
the house from the time I was 
young and I was intrigued by the 
women: What does it take to pose 
nude, what's it all about? But I nev- 
er imagined myself doing it—it was 
just this thing other girls do.” 

Step-by-step, though, she moved 
toward doing it. After running the 
idea by PLAYBOY, she recruited her 
makeup artist to shoot some test Po- 
laroids one day in Lisa's trailer on 
the lot where Melrose Place is filmed. 
“It was spur-of-the-moment,” she 
says, “and I had to fib a little bit. I 
told her I was taking some pictures 
for Harry for Valentine's Day." 

She loved the results and decided 
to forge ahead—which is why Lisa, 
fecund and six months pregnant 
(daughter Delilab Belle was born 
June 10), spent a weekend showing off 
that certain glow we've heard about. 
She has a point to make here, and 
it's not just that she looks great. "So- 
ciety usually deals with pregnancy 


133 


by covering it up,” she says. 
“But I think it's something a 
woman should be proud of, 
as opposed to saying, ‘Put me 
in a corner for nine months, 
and once I have the baby and 
work my butt off to get back to 
my regular weight, then I'll 
be accepted again, then I'll be 
beautiful again, then ГИ be 
loved by my husband again, 
then I'll be a sexual being 
again." 

If she'd like to change a few 
minds about how pregnancy 
doesn't diminish sexuality, 
that may be because the expe- 
rience has changed some of 
her own attitudes. “Especially 
if you're an actress living in 
this town, you can get pre- 
occupied with how you look 
and what you weigh," says 
Lisa, who has long kept toned 
through grueling martial-arts 
and aerobic workouts. "But 
when I got pregnant, all of a 
sudden I accepted myself the 
new way I am. It is the most 
beautiful I've ever felt. I feel 
the most sexual, the most 
sexy, the most confident. I 
just feel great about myself." 

Throughout the pregnan- 
cy, she adds, she refused to 
conceal her body in tradition- 
al maternity clothes. "There's 
this sense of 'Oh, she's preg- 
nant, we have to take care of 
her, don't let her lift things or 
work too hard. Don't let her 
show her body. Let's put her 
in clothes that hide it.’ But if I 
go to an event where I have 
to wear a long dress, I don't 
wear a muumuu. I wear a 
dress that I would normal- 
ly wear, just a little bit big 
ger. Women have responded 
wonderfully to that—but in 
the time that I've been preg- 
nant, I have also had more 
men come up to me and tell 
me how beautiful I am and 
how sexy I look.” 

She laughs, and the sound 
of triumph in her voice is 
unmistakable. “There is no 
reason,” Lisa says, “why we 
shouldn't look at a woman 
who is naked and pregnant 
and say, ‘Isn't that cool? 


135 


Kevin Williamson 


PLAYBON S 


the man behind scream and dawson’s creek talks about 
teenage sex, bad dreams and scary lingerie 


I t took the son of a fisherman to resurrect 
the dormant horror film genre. Writer- 
director Kevin Williamson drew on his 
childhood love of scary movies to create the 
highest-grossing horror film franchise in 
movie history— Scream" and its sequel, 
“Scream 2.” Along with director Wes Cra- 
ven and a cast of young TV stars, William- 
son has parlayed his “unconditional love of 
Jamie Lee Curtis and director John Carpen- 
ter” into a cottage industry. 

Williamson was born and raised in the 
fishing town of New Bern, North Carolina. 
Influenced by his storytelling mother, he 
originally considered a career as an actor, 
studying theater and film at East Carolina 
University. He moved to New York, where he 
landed bit parts on stage and TV, then relo- 
cated to Los Angeles, where he worked as an 
assistant to a music-video director and took 
screenwriting classes at UCLA. His first 
screenplay, “Killing Mrs. Tingle," will serve 
as his directorial debut this year. William- 
son’s second sale, “Scream,” made horror 
film box-office history and was followed by 
an adaptation of the novel “I Know What 
You Did Last Summer.” After that, Miramax 
secured Williamson's services for $20 mil- 
lion. “Scream 3” and “The Faculty” are 
forthcoming, and Williamson wrote the story 
for “Halloween: Н 20," starring one of his 
idols, Jamie Lee Curtis. Williamson has also 
found time to create the provocative TV se- 
ries “Dawson's Creek” for the Warner Bros. 
Network and is developing another series, 
“Pamlico,” for ABC. 

Roberi Crane caught up with the inde- 
fatigable screenwriter and director at his 
West Hollywood office. Crane reports: “The 
smell of success permeates Williamson's of- 
fice—assistants and publicists scurry about 
the comfortable surroundings, which are 
laden with ‘Scream’ merchandise and post- 
ers. Williamson is young, handsome and 
rich. It's enough to make anyone scream." 


1 


PLAYBOY: Which involuntary bodily re- 
sponse serves as a standing ovation for 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY FERGUS GREER 


the horror film auteur? 

WILLIAMSON: A scream? I like to hear 
the gasp. I like that lull, when your 
mouth is dry and you hear the gurgle 
of not being able to swallow. You hear 
the gasp, followed by laughter, because 
the viewers are laughing at themselves 
for getting so worked up. And then you 
realize that they are really enjoying 
themselves. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Would you be better or worse 
at what you do had you gone through 
therapy? 

WILLIAMSON: I have gone through a lot 
of therapy, and I'm a much better 
writer forit. I mean, my entire career is 
based on my therapy. The kids on Daw- 
son's Creek all speak psychobabble. The 
fact that I sat down to write at all was a 
result of some huge breakthrough I 
had in therapy, working through my 
demons in order to have the confi- 
dence to put pen to paper. 


3 


PLAYBOY: We read about your Unde 
Phil holding you by the ankles and 
dangling you over a school of sharks 
Do you two still hang out? 
WILLIAMSON: We do hang out, actual- 
ly. He is the coolest guy. There was a 
long period of time when I was trau- 
matized by that experience. I had night- 
mares about it. My uncle was 18 years 
old at the time, a kid himself. Now we 
have a big laugh about it. We sit back 
and smoke cigars and laugh about the 
whole thing. But he gets harassed—it 
has reached a point now where every 
time he walks into the local grocery 
store, the local diner, people just look 
at him and go, “I can't believe you did 
that to your nephew.” 

I guess I should give him ten percent 
of my earnings because it was experi- 


ences like that that led my brain down 
a dark path, which has ultimately been 
fruitful. So I'm very grateful for that 
shark experience. In fact, I just signed 
a book for my uncle with the message 
“Thank you for what was possibly the 
best experience of my life.” 


4 


FLAYBOY: Is a partially clad woman 
more fearful than a fully clad woman? 

WILLIAMSON: What is scarier for the view- 
er will not necessarily be scarier for the 
woman. But seeing skin is definitely 
scarier for the viewer because there's а 
vulnerability factor. Our clothing is our 
armor a lot of the time, so, yes, a scant- 
ily clad woman is probably more scared 
than someone who has an armor of 
clothing around her. There's some- 
thing vulnerable about visible skin— 
seeing the surface that can so easily be 
punctured. When you cover it up with 
clothing, you put a whole layer be- 
tween the audience and the character. 


5 


PLAYBOY: You're directing your script 
Killing Mrs. Tingle. Is this an opportu- 
nity for revenge? 

WILLIAMSON: Yes, it's my revenge movie. 
My high school English teacher said to 
mc, “You can't spell, your diction is ter- 
rible, you come from the sticks. You'll 
never be a writer.” I wrote this story 
about a girl who is raped by her boy- 
friend, and it was a little too graphic 
When I stood up to read it out loud, 
the teacher stopped me in the middle 
of it and told me to sit down. She said, 
“Your voice is one that should never be 
heard, and you should give up any 
idea of becoming a writer, because it 
will never, ever happen.” And I be- 
lieved her for a long time. The story 
was a little ahead of its time, because 
date rape wasn't a big issue then. It 


139 


PLAYBOY 


struck a chord and the teacher certainly 
didn’t want to hear it and she wanted to 
shut me out. And she did shut me up, for 
a dozen years. 


6 


ылувоу; Why are horror films excellent 
date movies? 

WILLIAMSON: They're a roller-coaster 
ride. You're sitting in a dark room clutch- 
ing each other. It's great foreplay. 


7 


PLAYBOY: Neve Campbell said in Scream, 
“All scary movies are the same. Some stu- 
pid killer is stalking some big-breasted 
girl who can't act and who's always run- 
ning up the stairs when she should be 
going out the front door.” Would the 
horror be diminished if the character 
had smaller breasts? 

WILLIAMSON: I guess it would depend on 
what she looks like. Most horror films 
are so plot driven, you don't really have 
enough time to develop character. So 
breasts replace character. A young guy— 
the core audience for these films—re- 
sponds to young, bouncing breasts. 
That's supposed to take the place of 
character development. So in a sense 
those breasts are the character. It’s all 
about breasts. Oh God, I'm going to get 
killed for this. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Which actors make good hor- 
ror film heroines? 

WILLIAMSON: Jamie Lee Curtis is the end- 
all. I have had an unconditional love 
for Jamie Lee Curtis since I was 12 years 
old and saw Halloween for the first time. 
That's the reason I participated in Hal- 
loween: H,O—just for the opportunity 
to sit in a room with her and gawk at her, 
which I did a lot. And getting back to the 
breast thing, you know. 

1 wrote the story for Halloween: H30. 
The screenplay was written by others. I 
sat down with Jamie—and her breasts— 
and we discussed where Laurie Strode 
would be 20 years later. 


9 


PLAYBOY: What more can you do to Lau- 
rie, this poor woman? 

WILLIAMSON: That's what we asked. This 
movie is played very real. We play it 
straight in the sense that we do know it’s 
Halloween, part seven, and we don't shy 
away from it. One thing we try to do is 
go back to the original. We try not so 
much to send up the first one, but to 


140 honor it, you know, and to pay homage 


to it, pay tribute to this wonderful, 
groundbreaking film. So there are all 
sorts of little inside jokes—all the true 
fans of Halloween will get them. We left in 
dialogue and scenes and beats, so you al- 
most have to bea Halloween expert to get. 
the movie. I would urge everyone to see 
the first movie again before going to see 
Halloween: HO because then you'll truly 


enjoy it. 


10 


PLAYBOY: There's a strange cross-wiring 
in horror films. The killer wants to kill 
the woman, and the straight guy sitting 
in the audience wants to fuck her. 
WILLIAMSON: You just want to thump that 
killer on the forehead, don't you? Since 
there's no character development, there 
is no way to relate that character to the 
viewer except to show someone who is 
beautiful and desirable. We want her, so 
we root for her. We want her to live. We 
want her to persevere. That too takes the 
place of character development, which is 
unfortunate, but it's typical for a plot- 
driven movie. 


11 


PLAYBOY: What are some of the new vari- 
ations on horror film stereotypes? 
WILLIAMSON: What I'm dying to do is kill 
the heroine. It's time to see Jamie Lee 
Curtis die, or to have Neve Campbell get 
it at the end of the movie and then begin 
Scream 3 vith the surprise revelation that 
she's alive. Traditional filmmaking dic- 
tates that you can bend the rules only so 
far. In horror movies, the stereotype is 
that if you do something bad, you will be 
punished. I try to dispel that in a lot of 
instances, particularly in Scream. Neve's 
character loses her virginity and doesn’t 
die. The horror genre has set up this 
plot that rules that if you have sex you 
die. So I knew immediately upon sitting 
down to write it I was going to let her 
lose her virginity and sull live. I would 
have fun with the idea that sex doesn’t 
always equal death. When you are drink- 
ing and doing drugs, that is an extension 
of the sex-equals-death idea, because 
drinking and doing drugs usually lead to 
sex and in a teenager's world, sex always 
leads to lots of judgment. That's the big 
stereotype. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Dawson's Creek is a real place. 
Did the Williamson Realty and Devel- 
opment Corp. buy creekfront property 
in anticipation of the show's becoming. 
a hit? 

WILLIAMSON: Kind of like the baseball di- 
amond in Field of Dreams that everyone is 


going to come to? No. I come from a 
family of fishermen, and we don't deal in 
real estate at all. But Dawson's Creek re- 
ally exists. It's where 1 lost my virginity 


13 


PLAYBOY: Describe the Dawson's Creek 
theme park. Would a high school teach- 
er be one of the rides? 

WILLIAMSON: Oh God, I hope so. You 
know, I’m new to all this TV and movie 
stuff, but it's my understanding that 
marketing is where it’s at. So, sure, Daw- 
son's Creek lunch boxes and action fig- 
ures. We could have a lot of fun with 
teacher and student action figures. You 
have set my mind racing. I hadn't really 
thought of any of this until now, but I'm 
going to make a few phone calls as soon 
as this interview is over. 


14 


PLAYBOY: For a teenager, is there such a 
thing as too much sex? 

WILLIAMSON: No. When you're a teenag- 
er, it's all about sex. There's no such 
thing as too much sex because when 
you're a teenager you're getting very lit- 
tle sex. I remember a point when I was 
having sex all the time, but until I hit 
that point it was never happening, and 
all 1 could do was talk about it. Or I'd 
have sex once, and then it wouldn't hap- 
pen again for months. All I could do was 
talk about that one experience until I 
forgot about it. Dawson’s Creek has been 
criticized for dealing too much with sex, 
but the show is about romance. It's about 
passion. And it's about sex. Dawson's 
Creek goes beyond sex, but the charac- 
ters talk about it because that's what kids 
talk about. I've sat down with them and 
listened to them. Thar's what I talked 
about when I was a teenager. Ultimate- 
ly, though, the show is about romance. 
How romance doesn't equal sex. For in- 
stance, the teacher-student relationship 
started out as sex but has become a 
nonjudgmental romantic relationship, 
whether people want to realize it or not. 
That relationship is based on romance, 
and I think that's why people have а 
hard time with it and why the Moral Ma- 
jority has gone after it. It's probably not 
the most responsible relationship on 
television in terms of right-wing philoso- 
phy. But it certainly is a nonjudgmental 
relationship that 1 find very endearing. 


15 


PLAYBOY: What is the set like? Is it as hy- 
peractive as the stories? 

WILLIAMSON: It’s a little Peyton Place down 
there, because we shoot in North Caroli- 
na. The cast will kill me if 1 reveal too 


1 SPLASH COFFEE 
LIQUEUR 


THREE CINNAMON 
CANDIES 


ТТТ 
КДПУ ЭУ 


— 


PLAYBOY 


142 


much, but I will say that, yes, you could 
write an exposé, a Behind-the-Scenes of 
Dawson's Creek, believe me. I'll leave it at 
that, because I have to answer to these 
kids. They would never forgive me, and 
they are a great bunch of kids. 


16 


ғілувоу: Can you describe where the 
characters will be five years from now? 
WILLIAMSON: We're going to treat the first 
two seasons as one year, and then by the 
third season I'm sure we'll move into 
summer, and they will all get summer 
jobs, and Dawson's dad's restaurant will 
have opened, so they can all vait tables 
there. Then we'll push it all the way up 
to when they're seniors in high school, 
then they'll go off to college, maybe a 
nice little liberal arts school nearby with 
the same picturesque environment. I 
don't want to do the 90210 thing. I 
haven't really even thought about it oth- 
er than to say God, I hope I get to the 
point of having to figure it all out. 


17 


PLAYBOY: Is there anything you won't 
write about? 

WILLIAMSON: You'll probably never get 
some huge war drama or period piece 
out of me. I'm not interested. I'm more 
into a contemporary vibe. I've studied 
Steven Spielberg. I've studied James 
Brooks. I've studied Terms of Endearment. 
I learned dialogue from Quentin Taran- 
tino and James Brooks. They have an 
ear for unique dialogue. I saw As Good As 
It Gets, and I'm amazed at how the dia- 
logue flows from the characters’ lips. I 
get so jealous when I see someone so tal- 
ented at writing dialogue. I'm dying to 
explore as many genres as I can, and 
you can pretty much guess the stuff I 
won't be writing about. I’m just not in- 
terested in the past. 


18 


PLAYBOY: You sleep four hours a night. 
Do you ever have really bad dreams? 


“Bellini is featuring simplicity this season, 
Armano, pure flowing lines, and Donna Lorenzo is retro 
Quattrocento—so, Га put them 


away for a while.” 


WILLIAMSON: I have really bad dreams. I 
scratched myself last night in my sleep 
while I was dreaming. I don’t know 
what I dreamed, but I clawed myself in 
the face. It was really bizarre. I ama big 
dreamer, but I can barely remember my 
dreams. It’s scary, isn't it? I am most 
alert at four a.m., when I wake up. I'm 
alert, I'm alive, I'm headstrong. So I get 
my best work done then. I can get done 
in two hours what it would take me ten 
hours to do in the afternoon. I move 
fast, and my brain is sharp at that time 
of day. It's a shame по one else is up 
with me to experience it, because I'd 
probably be great in bed. Actually, I've 
been sleeping a little later these days. I 
get up about five A.M. now. I have been 
pushing it, because I've been exhaust- 
ed. I am running on empty at the mo- 
ment. I need to go away and rejuice 
for a while. Then I can get back to that 
four o'clock schedule. It used to be 
three am. I don't sleep that much—it's 
really bizarre. Maybe there's something 
psychological there that I haven't bro- 
ken through yet in therapy, but I’m not 
interested. 


19 


PLAYBOY: Is it ever a good idea to taunt a 
monster? 

WILLIAMSON: Oh sure. That's the most 
fun. For instance, in Halloween: H;O, 
there’s a point where Jamie Lee Curtis’ 
character goes after Michael Myers. She 
gets an axe and goes after him. She's 
like, “You want a piece of me? Let's go." 
She drops to his level instead of running 
from him. It's great. It's the cheering 
moment. Ripley did it in Aliens. The rea- 
son it works so well is that it's all about 
character. What type of character when 
facing death would choose to talk? You 
have to be driven to that point by that 
monster, and that's what leads you to the 
moment of madness, when you don't 
care about your life anymore. It's a char- 
acter-defining moment. It's hard to get 
there, and it's hard to make it believable. 
If you can get there, what a great place 
to take the audience. 


20 


PLAYBOY: Being scared and having sex: 
Describe the connection. 

WILLIAMSON: For me, the emotions in- 
volved in sex and in being scared are the 
same. When blood rushes and things get 
engorged, it's a sign of the same emo- 
tion. When you're scared, your face gets 
flushed. You turn red. Your forehead 
throbs. Blood rushing is always a won- 


derful thing. 


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PERFECT WORKOUT continued fom page 99) 


Don't cheat—use muscle, not momentum. To keep 
your heart rate up, don’t vest between moves. 


strengthen your heart and lungs and 
burn calories, and weight training to add 
muscle and to help burn calories. Isaacs’ 
nutritional guidance emphasizes low-fat, 
low-calorie food choices to help you 
get—and stay—lean. 

Naturally, you'll want to talk to your 
physician before you start any fitness 
program. And if you're a beginner, con- 
sider using a certified trainer for at least 
a couple of sessions to get you safely on 
the road to fitness. 

Looking for an even simpler plan? 
“Eat less and exercise more,” says Isaacs. 
“Change your routines regularly—your 
diet, your workout. Have fun!” 


CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE 


On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 
do 20 minutes of cardiovascular exer- 
cise. Use a treadmill or stationary bike if 
you like. If not, do whatever you feel like 
doing—ride a real bike, skate, play a 
sport, swim, run, walk briskly. To pre- 
yent boredom and burnout, don’t do the 
same thing every day. Don’t monitor 
your heart rate obsessively, either. As a 
guide, you should have a little trouble 
comfortably holding a conversation dur- 
ing the middle 15 minutes of your cardio 


workout (before and after that is warm- 
up and cool-down time). 

When you're done, stretch your quad- 
riceps and hamstrings. Do this gently (if 
you feel pain, you're going too far), and 
hold each stretch for at least ten seconds. 
Then do three sets of 20 abdominal 
crunches. 


WEIGHT TRAINING 


On Tuesday and Thursday, work out 
for 15 minutes with weights. You can do 
this at home or in a gym; all you need is 
a pair of dumbbells. The moves are, in 
order: chest press-dumbbell flye combi- 
nation; shoulder press-lateral row raise 
combination; one-arm row-triceps kick- 
back combination; biceps curl. Use 
enough weight that you feel like you're 
getting a workout, but not so much that 
you strain or use bad form. Don't 
cheat—use muscle, not momentum. To 
keep your heart rate up, don't rest be- 
tween moves. 

Do this circuit twice. For the first set, 
do ten to 12 reps of each move; for the 
second, do eight to ten reps and increase 
the weight if you can. 

Finish with eight to ten push-ups, full 
or on your knees. 


“Can I use my frequent-flier miles for this?” 


NUTRITION 


Here are some ground rules for low- 
fat eating. 

Minimize the use of oils, butter and 
margarine. Use nonstick cooking spray 
when preparing food. Avoid cream- or 
oil-based dressings and sauces. 

Steam, bake or broil—don't fry. 

Use meat as a flavoring or condiment, 
not as the main event. 

Think of balancing food groups—eat 
equal amounts of starches, vegetables, 
fruits and protein sources. 

Consider going vegetarian. Be open- 
minded—many cuisines consist mainly 
of tasty, healthful, meat-free fare. (On 
dates, the line “I'd never eat anything 
that nuzzles its mother" could yield sig- 
nificant results.) 

Cut back on portion sizes. “There’s 
nothing wrong with eating food you en- 
joy,” says Isaacs. “But don’t overdo it. If 
you really want a hamburger, have a 
modest-size burger—don't order the big- 
gest one and a pound of fries. People eat 
way too much.” 

Sample meals: 


BREAKFAST 


Oatmeal or high-fiber cereal with fruit 
and nonfat milk (low-calorie sweetener 
or a little sugar is acceptable). 

Fresh-fruit smoothie with two table- 
spoons of protein powder, plus half a 
bagel with peanut butter or jelly or both. 

Egg-white omelette (one yolk is OK if 
you don’t have a cholesterol problem) 
with any combination of spinach, mush- 
rooms, tomatoes, salsa and herbs, plus 
dry toast or a bagel. 


LUNCH 


Tuna (or turkey or chicken) sandwich 
with nonfat mayonnaise on seven-grain 
bread, vegetarian pea soup and a piece 
of fruit. 

Pasta with marinara sauce, steamed 
broccoli or green salad and crusty Ital- 
ian bread. 

Sushi (avoid avocado, tempura and 
mayonnaise sauce), miso soup, cucum- 
ber salad, melon. 


DINNER 


Grilled or baked fish or shrimp with 
steamed vegetables. 

Vegetarian (or ground turkey or lean 
beef) chili with whole wheat rolls. 

Eight-ounce lean, grilled steak, baked 
potato with salsa, green salad. 

For dessert, splurge occasionally on 
what you like, but keep portions small. 

SNACKS 

Air popped popcorn with the season- 
ing of your choice, baked tortilla chips 
with salsa, fruit, raw vegetables, fat-free 
pretzels with mustard, breakfast cereal 


with nonfat milk and fruit, nonfat yogurt. 
with fresh fruit. 


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146 


PRO FOOTBALL FORECAST continued from page 110) 


It's impossible to keep a dynasty intact in a salary-cap 
world. Everyone else wants your players. 


rush the passer. He can't stop the run. 
Defense will determine if Aikman hits 
the field for any big games this January. 

The Washington Redskins also strug- 
gle to stop the run. That's a fatal flaw 
in football's premiere power division. 
"That's why Norv Turner hasn't given the 
nation's capital a playoff game in his four 
seasons as coach. The best Washington. 
has finished in run defense during the 
Turner era is 27th. 

But the Redskins patched that pothole 
in their playoff portfolio with two bold 
strokes: acquiring defensive tackles Da- 
na Stubblefield in free agency and Dan 
“Big Daddy” Wilkinson by trade. Stub- 


blefield was the NFL's defensive player 
of the year in 1997 at San Francisco. 
Wilkinson was the number one overall 
pick of the 1994 NFL draft by Cincin- 
nati. They bring big bodies (a combined 
630 pounds) and bigger wallets (a com- 
bined $57 million in new contracts) to 
the middle of the Washington defense. 
The Redskins finished 8-7-1 without 
them in 1997. With them, the team is the 
NFC East favorite. 

The Giants capitalized on a soft, last- 
place schedule in 1997 to vault from 
worst to first in the NFC East. But life be- 
comes more taxing for the Big Blue this 
fall with a first-place schedule that in- 


"Don't try acting innocent with me.” 


cludes games against Denver, Green Bay, 
Kansas City and San Francisco. Coach 
Jim Fassel needs Danny Kanell to take 
longer, bolder strides in his development 
as an NFL quarterback. Kanell will ben- 
efit from a full season with flashy wide- 
out Ike Hilliard, who missed most of his 
rookie year due to a neck injury. 

‘The NFUs top candidate for a worst- 
to-first transformation in 1998 is Ari- 
zona. In Jake Plummer, the Cardinals 
have a gangly gunslinger who, coming 
out of college, drew comparisons to Joe 
Montana. Plummer didn't disappoint, 
throwing 14 touchdown passes in his 
nine NFL starts. He torched the Giants 
for 388 yards in November and the Red- 
skins for 337 in December. The Cardi- 
nals procured help for Plummer this 
season in 1000-yard rusher Adrian Mur- 
rell, who was acquired by trade from the 
Jets. On defense, the Cardinals bulked 
up by drafting end Andre Wadsworth 
with the third overall pick. You want a 
sleeper in 1998? It's the Cardinals. 

Philadelphia's Ray Rhodes will coach 
every ounce of ability out of his roster. 
His teams always overachieve. But the 
Eagles’ talent level is skidding along a 
plateau. Bobby Hoying is a huge ques- 
tion mark at quarterback. Charlie Gar- 
ner is another at halfback. Irving Fryar 
is the team’s best offensive weapon, and 
he turns 36 this September. Hugh Doug- 
las gives the Eagles speed in their pass 
rush and Bill Johnson offers size to their 
run defense. But if the Eagles can't 
score, it won't matter. 


AL FOOTBALL CO 
ar Bi AA ERENCE 


Green Вау, _ 
Tampa Bay” 
Detroit’ . 
Minnesota 
Chicago. 
ШІСІ 


"The Packers are discovering what the 
Cowboys and the 49ers have known for 
years: Success has a price. The more 
championships you win, the more play- 
ers you lose. It's impossible to keep a dy- 
nasty intact in a salary-cap world. Every- 
one else wants your players and is eager 
to overpay for them. 

Consecutive Super Bowl appearances 
took a mighty swipe out of the Green 
Bay roster this off season when the Pack 
lost four starters and a punter. Contrib- 
utors, one and all, but they were mem- 
bers of the supporting cast nonetheless: 
cornerback Doug Evans, defensive end 
Gabe Wilkins, safety Eugene Robinson, 
guard Aaron Taylor and punter Craig 
Hentrich. To retain them would have 
cost the Packers $62 million in contract 
commitments, money that general 
manager Ron Wolf decided would be 
better spent on difference makers such 
as LeRoy Butler, Dorsey Levens and 


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148 


Antonio Freeman. 

“We expected some action,” admits 
Packers coach Mike Holmgren of the 
free-agent battering his team took. “I 
thought we might be able to compete for 
a couple of the guys. But the contracts 
were just incredible. They all had to do 
what they did.” 

Those defections have chipped away 
at the deepest roster in football and left 
the Packers a vulnerable champion, not 
only in the conference but in the divi- 
sion. Tampa Bay now has every bit the 
championship strut that Green Bay has 
at 21 of the 22 starting positions. The 
difference is, obviously, at quarterback. 
Favre is a Hall of Famer, Trent Dilfer is 
not. Down the stretch and into the post- 
season, when Favre was powering the 
Packers to the Super Bowl with his pro- 
lific right arm, Dilfer was not. In Dilfer's 
final 11 games of the 1997 regular sea- 
son and postseason, he threw only 11 
touchdown passes. During his final 11 
games, Favre tossed 22 of them. That's 
what separates a Super Bowl contender 
from a playoff contender. 

Buccaneers general manager Rich 
McKay has craftily eased Dilfer's load. 
McKay's drafts have produced a thun- 


der-and-lightning backfield tandem of 


Pro Bowlers Mike Alstott and Warrick 
Dunn. Now McKay has given Dilfer a le- 
gitimate go-to guy on the flank in Bert 
Emanuel, signing him away from the At- 
lanta Falcons in free agency. The NFLs 
number three defense also improved 
with the selection of Southern Cal’s Bri- 
an Kelly in the draft. Kelly gives Tampa 


Bay a big corner to line up against the 
Redwood receivers in the division, such 
as Herman Moore, Cris Carter and Jake 
Reed. But the NFC Central race still 
comes down to the quarterbacks. Favre 
or Dilfer? Give the nod to Favre. If he 
has a fourth consecutive MVP season, 
the Green Bay Packers will return to the 
Super Bowl. 

Offense is the song this division sings. 
Detroit has the best runner of his time 
and maybe all time in Barry Sanders. 
His four consecutive 1500-yard seasons, 
including a Herculean 2000-yard effort 
in 1997, give the Lions a Jim Brown- 
type supremacy on the ground. Detroit 
backs up Sanders with sure-handed Her- 
man Moore, who has a streak of three 
consecutive 100-catch seasons. But when 
you talk about receivers, start with the 
Vikings. Minnesota has almost as many 
pass catchers as it has lakes. The trifecta 
of Carter, Reed and newcomer Randy 
Moss could give even Deion Sanders a 
sleepless night. How does a defense cov- 
er all that size (all are 63” or taller) plus 
the sprinter speed of Moss? Does it dou- 
ble up on Carter, who caught 13 touch- 
down passes in 1997? Or on Moss, who 
snared twice that at Marshall? 

Both the Lions and the Vikings 
should score points aplenty. But, again, 
look to the quarterbacks. In a big game 
do you want Favre or Detroit's Scott 
Mitchell? Minnesota's Brad Johnson? 
Detroit and Minnesota also have craters 
on defense. The Lions struggle against 
the run, the Vikings against the pass. 
The Packers, for that matter, must find a 


“Each man gets two limes a week. What they do with 
them is their business.” 


pass rush now that Wilkins is gone and 
Reggie White is a press conference away 
from retirement. Reinforcements come 
in the form of number one draft pick 
Vonnie Holliday and former Tampa Bay 
number one Eric Curry. 

The Bears need a quarterback. They 
also need a few more blockers, another 
pass rusher or two, a big-play receiver, 
another cover corner—all of which sepa- 
rates Chicago from the four playoff con- 
tenders in the division. First-round draft 
pick Curtis Enis gives the Bears a chance 
to run the ball, which will be a life pre- 
server this fall for quarterback Erik Kra- 
mer and a short-staffed defense. But Chi- 
cago will still be two drafts away from 
contention. 


FOOTBALL CONF; 
жатын TERN migratory RENCE 


‘San Francisco . 
New Orleans 


The reality of mediocrity descends on 
the МЕГ greatest dynasty. Since the ad- 
vent of the salary cap, the off-seasons 
have been tougher on the San Francisco 
49ers than the seasons have been, and 
last spring was the worst yet. 

San Francisco lost its best defender 
(tackle Dana Stubblefield) in free agency. 
Also accepting more dollars elsewhere 
were its leading scorer (kicker Cary An- 
derson) and its fullback (William Floyd). 
A Pro Bowl tight end (Brent Jones), mid- 
dle linebacker (Gary Plummer) and the 
guardian of Steve Young's blind side 
(tackle Kirk Scrafford) all retired, and 
age caught up with perennial Pro Bowl 
corner Rod Woodson. His 33-year-old 
legs were banished back East. Not that 
the roster as a whole is getting any youn- 
ger Other mainstays showing their 
wear: Steve Young turns 37 this season, 
Jerry Rice is 36, Tim McDonald is 33 
and Ken Norton is 32. 

But there is no panic in San Francisco. 
"The 49ers continue jogging along un- 
contested in the NFC West. San Francis- 
co captured the division by six games in 
1997 as Atlanta, Carolina, New Orleans 
and St. Louis all finished below .500. 
The 49ers went 8-0 in the division and 
5-3 against everyone else. An 8-0 gives 
San Francisco a titanic jump on the rest 
of the NFC in the sprint for home-field 
advantage. Green Bay doesn't have that 
luxury in the NFC Central, nor does 
Dallas in the NFC East. So the 49ers re- 
main in position to contend for Super 
Bowls whether they want to or not. 

Credit Young. He ran away with his 
sixth NFL passing title last year with a 
104.7 efficiency rating. Against the NFC 
West alone, the efficiency rating zoomed 
to 119.5. Young threw 14 of his 19 


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touchdown passes against the NFC West 
with only two interceptions. He is the 
difference in a division of backseat quar- 
terbacks: Tony Banks at St. Louis, Chris 
Chandler at Atlanıa, Kerry Collins at 
Carolina and Billy Joe Hobert at New 
Orleans. 

Rice played in only one of San Fran- 
cisco's 13 victories last season. He's back 
after two knee injuries. The 49ers also 
upgraded themselves defensively with 
the free-agent signings of cornerback 
Antonio Langham from Baltimore and 
linebacker Winfred Tubbs from New Or- 
leans. Tubbs was the leading tackler on 
the NFL's fourth-ranked defense. The 
Super Bowl days may be over for the 
49ers, but the NFC West remains their 
exclusive property until further notice. 

Somebody has to challenge the 49ers, 
and the Saints scem as good a bet as 
any. OK, Hobert doesn’t intimidate any- 
one. But the New Orleans defense does, 
even without Tubbs. The Saints have 
the NFL's best pass rush, led by tackles 
Wayne Martin and Joe Johnson. New 
Orleans improved itself at the expense 
of its lodge brothers by signing corner- 
back Tyronne Drakeford away from the 
49ers and safety Chad Cota from the 
Panthers. Coach Mike Ditka is building 
an offensive line in his own image with 
number one draft picks Chris Naeole 
and Kyle Turley. Tough, tough guys. 

Annually, Dan Reeves coaxes more 
from less than any other coach in the 
business. He did that once again at At- 
lanta in his first season with the 7-9 Fal- 
cons. But Chandler is a journeyman. 
He puts a lid on any achievement by the 
Falcons. The loss of wide receiver Bert 
Emanuel in free agency cost Atlanta its 
best weapon, but top draft pick Keith 
Brooking brings much-needed size and 
speed to the defensive front seven. 

The Panthers arc trying to buy their 
way back into contention, spending 
$18.5 million in signing bonuses alone to 
lure defensive tackle Sean Gilbert from 
the Redskins, cornerback Doug Evans 
from the Packers and linebacker Kevin 
Greene back from the 49ers. But of- 
fense, not defense, was the problem in 
Carolina's collapse last season from con- 
ference runner-up to division also-ran. 
The Panthers need to be smarter with 
their money. 

Banks has fumbled 36 timcs and has 
thrown 28 interceptions in his two sea- 
sons as the starting quarterback for the 
Rams. Enough young bodies are in 
place for St. Louis to compete—most no- 
tably receivers Isaac Bruce and Eddie 
Kennison, pass rushers Kevin Carter 
and Grant Wistrom, and safeties Keith 
Lyle and Toby Wright. But only Banks 
can make the Rams a contender. 


Perseverance finally paid off for John 
Elway. In his 15th NFL season, 240th 
career game and fourth Super Bowl, 


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152 


¿MERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


EASTERN DIVISION 


Miami.....- nn 
ЕЕ, New Engand* 


т x NY Jets... 
Indianapolis . 
Buffalo... 
"wild-cardteam 


Elway finally won his first championship 
last January. All of America (except Wis- 
consin) was pulling for him. Now the 
weight of that public support shifts to 
Dan Marino. Like Elway, Marino was a 
member of that fabulous quarterbacking 
Class of 1983. Like Elway's, Marino's 
Hall of Fame career needs a champi- 
onship for proper closure. He lost in his 
only Super Bowl appearance in 1985 
and hasn't been back since. 

Jimmy Johnson has been to the big 
game and won there. He knows the road 
and its shortcuts. Three solid drafts have 
fortified the Dolphins as a contender, 
but youth is not Marino's friend. He's 37 
this season. A torn Achilles tendon in 
1993 robbed him of what little mobility 
he once had. This may be Marino’s last 
shot at a championship. It also may be 
his best shot. There isn't a great team out 
there like the Joe Montana 49ers he 
faced in that 1985 Super Bowl. Marino 
also won't have to do it all by himself as 
he has so often in the past. Johnson has 
changed offensive coordinators, replac- 
ing Gary Stevens with Kippy Brown, and 
decreed that Miami run the ball in 1998. 

The Dolphins were a flawed entry in 
1997. They ranked 29th in the NFL in 


rushing and 26th in defense. Knee in- 
juries cost Miami big-play receiver Yatil 
Green for the season, plus fullback Stan- 
ley Pritchett and pass rusher Danny 
Stubbs for all but a handful of games. Yet 
the Dolphins came within a field goal of 
beating New England in the season fi- 
nale, winning the division and hosting a 
playoff game. 

Now the Patriots have taken a giant 
step backward with the loss of Pro Bowl 
halfback Curtis Martin to the New York 
Jets. The Dolphins have taken a bound- 
ing leap forward with the return of 
Green, Pritchett and Stubbs, the signing 
of free agents Kevin Donnalley on of- 
fense and Brock Marion on defense, and 
the arrival of top draft pick John Avery 
as a Warrick Dunn-type weapon on 
third downs and special teams. If the 
Dolphins can milk 1600 rushing yards 
from their tailback tandem of Karim Ab- 
dul-Jabbar and Lawrence Phillips, Mari- 
no could be Super Bowl bound. 

“We have got players who can win,” 
Johnson says, “and they're only going to 
get better." 

New England also has players who can 
win. The nucleus remains from a team 
that played in the Super Bowl just two 
Januarys ago. Drew Bledsoe authenti- 
cates that contender status. But losing 
Martin is a staggering blow. Over his 
three NFL seasons, Martin has averaged 
1266 yards and 12 touchdowns for the 
Patriots. That's a chunk out of any of- 
fense. New England hopes to replace 
him with rookie Robert Edwards. 

But rookies tend to fumble (Barry 
Sanders gave up the ball a career-high 


“No, really. I'm sure Oprah would be happy to hear your story.” 


ten times in his rookie season), and a 
ten-win team like the Patriots doesn't 
have the luxury of turnovers. 

The Jets have Martin. But they don't 
have Bledsoe. Glenn Foley isn't even a 
reasonable facsimile. But the Jets will 
run the ball, control the clock and play 
aggressive defense. Bill Parcells de- 
mands it. That will make them a playoff 
contender, though they could use a few 
mashers along the offensive front and 
more size in the secondary. 

The Colts and the Bills have new 
quarterbacks. Indianapolis drafted Pey- 
ton Manning and Buffalo traded for Rob 
Johnson. The two teams also have new 
coaches. The Colts hired Jim Mora out 
of a TV booth and the Bills promoted 
Wade Phillips from their defensive staff. 
But Buffalo took some huge hits in free 
agency, losing Pro Bowl pass rusher 
Bryce Paup to Jacksonville, top cover 
man Jeff Burris to the Colts and starting 
guard Corbin Lacina to Carolina. 

Lindy Infante invested in youth at In- 
dianapolis last season, starting rookie of- 
fensive linemen Tarik Glenn and Adam 
Meadows and cornerback Monty Mont- 
gomery. It probably cost him his job 
as head coach. Now Mora will bencfit. 
Halfback Marshall Faulk, tight end Ken 
Dilger and speedy rookie wideouts Je- 
rome Pathon and E.G. Green give both 
Manning and Mora a chance for some 
early success. 


CENTRAL DIVISION 


AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE 


Cincinnati 
"Wild card team 


The AFC Central is the only division 
without a franchise quarterback. But top 
to bottom, the Central has the best quar- 
terbacking in the NFL. 

Start with Jacksonville’s Mark Brunell, 
who went to the AFC championship 
game in 1996 and won an AFC passing 
title in 1997. Then there's Kordell Stew- 
art, who passed for more touchdowns 
last year than Dan Marino did and ran 
for more than Emmitt Smith did. He 
took Pittsburgh to the AFG tide game in 
1997 in his first season as a starter. Jim 
Harbaugh took Indianapolis to the 1995 
AFC title game and won an NEL passing 
crown that same season. Now he’s quar- 
terbacking the Baltimore Ravens. Steve 
McNair also has franchise potential. At 
least the ‘Tennessee Oilers thought so 
when they made him the third overall 
pick of the 1995 draft. And Cincinnati's 
Jeff Blake started in the Pro Bowl as re- 
cently as 1996. 

Mark Brunell is the AFC's Steve 
Young, right down to his jersey number, 


left-handed delivery and scrambling 
style. Mike Holmgren had a hand in de- 
veloping both quarterbacks, coaching 
Young as an offensive coordinator at San 
Francisco and Brunell as the head man 
in Green Bay. Brunell and Young are too 
similar for Brunell not to experience the 
same successes Young has had. That 
means Super Bowls. 
Brunell is champi- 
onship caliber right 
now, but his team is 
only three years old. 
Jaguars coach Tom 
Coughlin has done 
a marvelous job of 
building a contend- 
er around Brunell 
and hopes the final 
element has been 
locked into place 
with the selection of 
halfback Fred Tay- 
lor in the 1998 draft. 
The Jaguars need a 
1000-yard rusher to 
relax the defensive 
focus on Brunell 
and his Pro Bowl 
wideouts Keenan 
McCardell and Jim- 
my Smith. 

But what contin- 
ues to separate Jack- 
sonville from peren- 
nial division champ 
Pittsburgh is de- 
fense. The Steelers 
have it, the Jaguars 
don't. Unable to de- 
velopa Pro Bowl de- 
fender on their own, 
the Jaguars bought 
one in free agen- 
cy with the signing 
of linebacker Bryce 
Paup this off-sea- 
son. That's one. The 
Steelers countered 
with linebacker Le- 
von Kirkland, tackle 
Joel Steed and safe- 
ty Carnell Lake. 
Pittsburgh also im- 
proved its defense 
in free agency by 
signing cornerback 
Dewayne Washing- 
ton away from the 
Vikings. 

But the real key to 
Pittsburgh's season 
remains Stewart. If 
Stewart develops as 
a starter in his second season the way he 
did in his first, he could beat Brunell toa 
Super Bowl. Defenses are still scared to 
death of his legs. His 74-yard touchdown 
run against Baltimore last year was the 
third longest by a quarterback in NFL 
history. Few defensive backs, much less 
linemen and linebackers, can run with 


him. But Stewart matured as a passer as 
the season progressed and even won a 
December shootout against John Elway 
with a 300-yard performance. An emerg- 
ing Stewart gives Pittsburgh the most 
complete team in the AFC. 

“Some of the mistakes Kordell made 
last year he won't make this year,” Steel- 


ceiver Yancey Thigpen and tight end 
Jackie Harris in free agency, and draft- 
ing wide receiver Kevin Dyson. Like 
Stewart, McNair enters his second sea- 
son as a starter in 1998. Increased op- 
tions should accelerate his development 
as a top-flight passer. But Tennessee also 
lags behind Pittsburgh on defense. The 

Oilers have the best 


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safety tandem in 
the AFC in Blaine 
Bishop and Marcus 
Robertson but they 
need a shutdown 
corner and a home- 
run hitter in the 
pass rush. 

The Ravens are 
building a defense 
to compete with the 
Steelers. Their last 
three number one 
draft picks—line- 
backers Ray Lewis 
in 1996 and Peter 
Boulware in 1997, 
and cornerback Du- 
ane Starks in 1998— 
have Pro Bowl qual- 
ities. Lewis gives the 
Ravens a chance 
against the run, 
Boulware in the 
pass rush and 
Starks against the 
pass. Baltimore's of- 
fensive line is one of 
the best in football. 
But to challenge in 
| 1998, the Ravens 
need career revivals 
by newcomers Har- 
baugh, halfback Er- 
тїсї Rhett and full- 
back Roosevelt 
Potts in the offen- 
sive backfield. 

Speaking of re- 
vivals, Cincinnati 
coach Bruce Coslet 
needs to remind 
Blake of his skills. 
He went from the 
Pro Bowl in 1996 to 
the bench in 1997. 
The retirement of 
Boomer Esiason 
puts Blake back on 
the field in 1998. 
The Bengals can 
run with Corey Dil- 
lon, catch with Carl 
Pickens and Darnay 


ers coach Bill Cowher said. "He's the re- 
al deal.” 

Тһе Oilers have been gradually sur- 
rounding Steve McNair with the weap- 
ons he needs to compete with the elite. 
They drafted a running game in 1996 
with Eddie George. Then they built a 
passing tree in 1998 by signing wide re- 


Scott and play de- 
fense with five first-round draft picks. 
But to win, Blake needs a wake-up call. 


Kansas City's Marty Schottenheimer 
knows the value of franchise quarter- 
backs—and the pain of playing against 


them. He has fielded 11 playoff teams in 153 


¿NERICAN FOOTBALL CONFEREN гр. 


WESTERN DIVISION 


his 13 years as an NFL head coach, but 
an inability to defeat those franchise 
quarterbacks has prevented Schotten- 
heimer teams from reaching a Super 
Bowl. His teams have been eliminated 
from the postseason three times by Dan 
Marino, three times by John Elway and 
twice by Jim Kelly. 

But lost in the euphoria of Denver's 
Super Bowl conquest was the fact that 
the best team in football wasn't even the 
best team in its own division. The Chiefs 
beat the Broncos on the way to the AFC 
West title in 1997. The Chiefs also beat 
Super Bowl champions Green Bay in 
1996 and San Francisco in 1994. The 
Chiefs have proved they can beat the 
best. They just can't seem to do it when it 
matters most. 

That said, the best team in the AFC 
West will be better in 1998. 

Kansas City has added veteran Pro 
Bowl defensive linemen Chester Mc- 
Glockton and Leslie O'Neal, plus wide 
receiver Derrick Alexander in free agen- 
cy. The Chiefs already have one of the 
best secondaries in football. Now Mc- 


Glockton toughens them up against the 
run, and O'Neal joins Derrick Thomas 
for a stereo pass rush. 

The Chiefs won 13 times last season 
despite the six-game absence of starting 
quarterback Elvis Grbac, out with a bro- 
ken clavicle. He's back and healthy, and 
the arrival of his former college battery- 
mate Alexander takes the heat off Andre 
Rison to make all the plays downfield 
for the Chiefs. Alexander caught nine 
touchdown passes in Baltimore last year 
Marcus Allen retired, which leaves a 
canyon in the backfield. So Kansas City 
will go with a big-back attack featuring 
fullback Donnell Bennett as the lead ball 
carrier. 

The Broncos lost starters Allen Al- 
dridge and Brian Habib in free agency 
and sweated threats of retirement by El- 
way and Pro Bowl pass blocker Gary 
Zimmerman into the summer. The run- 
ning of Terrell Davis will continue to 
make the Broncos a contender, but Den- 
ver needs the arm of Elway to harbor 
any hopes of a repeat. This was not a 
team built to last—not with 12 starters in 
their 30s. 

‘There are better offenses and defenses 
than those of the Seattle Seahawks. But 
there are few better spenders. The past 
two off-seasons, Seahawks owner Paul 
Allen has written checks for $27 million 
in signing bonuses alone for free agents. 
Seattle has added a pass rusher (Chad 
Brown), a running back (Ricky Watters), 
a coverman (Willie Williams) and block- 


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EVER HEAK OF A DATING BOOK 

CALLED "THE RULES"? IT GIVES 

WOMEN RULES TO FOLLOW To 
KAP GUYS INTO MARRIAGE. _ 


ers (Kevin Glover and Brian Habib). But 
when are the wheels going to fall off 
quarterback Warren Moon? He turns 42 
this season. 

Al Davis believes in the vertical stretch. 
He likes to air it out on offense with big- 
armed quarterbacks. Jon Gruden is a 
disciple of the West Coast offense. He 
likes quick drops and quick throws by his 
passers. His scheme asks the receivers to 
do the work. Those contrasting philoso- 
phies were wedded in 1998 when Davis 
hired Gruden to coach his underachiev- 
ing Raiders. Cruden offers solutions on 
offense. But the Raiders need answers 
on defense, where they ranked last 
in the NFL in 1997. The Raiders took 
a step forward with the drafting of 
Heisman 'Irophy-winning cornerback 
Charles Woodson but took another step 
backward with the defection of Mc- 
Glockton to Kansas City. 

San Diego has a future with quarter- 
back Ryan Leaf. But close your eyes on 
the present. This is the worst team in the 
AFC and it's without a first-round pick 
in the next two drafts. General manager 
Bobby Beathard patched some holes 
around Leaf in free agency by signing 
John Jackson and Aaron Taylor for the 
offensive line and Natrone Means for the 
backfield. But this talent is light years re- 
moved from the juggernaut the Charg- 
ers fielded in 1994 when they were the 
AFC's best. 


BY BILL JOHNSON 
HERE'S ANOTHER: “NEVER GO 


WERE WRITING 


YUE FOLLOW 
OUR RULES 
AND YOULL. 


NEVER GET 
MARRIED/ 


THE PLAYMATE 2000 SEARCH 
IS COMING TO A CITY NEAR YOU 


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DIE A Yon ОТ 


TECHNOLOGY Continued from page 88) 


Find where you recorded the “Letterman” show on 
which Drew Barrymore took off her top. 


without complaint. With that in mind, 
the advantages of getting your computer 
to watch TV for you are apparent. 

Want to see what's on that unlabeled 
six-hour tape before you record over it? 
Use the time-lapse feature on the frame- 
grabber software that came with the 
card. Push the button on your VCR re- 
mote that displays the elapsed time on 
the screen and tell the software to grab 
an image every second. When you come 
back six hours later, you can view the en- 
tire contents of the tape in a few min- 
utes, discovering in the process that the 
reason you hadn't recycled that tape ear- 
lier was that two hours into it you'd 
recorded the Letterman show on which 
Drew Barrymore took off her top. 

But that's not really watching TV, is it? 
For that, your video card will need TV 
features. Most cards with onboard TV 
tuners also offer closed-captioning de- 
coders that throw captioned text into a 
separate window, which can be a boon 
for folks who worry about missing that 
two-hour PBS special on the Tokyo mar- 
ket. Instead of merely recording the 


show, let your computer create a tran- 
script of what was said and scan it when 
you get home. Some cards can do better 
than that: Give the software a list of “hot 
words,” and the computer will alert you 
(or capture the text to a file) whenever 
they're spoken on a selected channel. 
Of course, when a video camera is 
hooked up to a computer with Internet 
access, all kinds of fiendish things are 
possible. If your computer can maintain 
an Internet connection full-time, tell the 
image-capture software to grab an image 
from the camera once a minute and copy 
it to your Web directory. What you have 
is a spy-cam accessible from anywhere in 
the world. If you don't want to seem sin- 
ister, you can set it up at home to check 
on the baby's room while you're at work. 


THE TRIUMPH OF THE NOTEBOOK 


Once, the division of labor was fairly 
clear-cut: Notebook PCs were slow, limit- 
ed in their expansibility and had Play- 
skool screens and keyboards that you 
wouldn't want to work with for any sig- 
nificant length of time. Your real com- 


puter was the big box on your desk. But 
modern notebooks have the benefit of 
ten years’ worth of product design and 
engineering. They now have easily ex- 
pandable memory and processors; they 
have such built-ins as CD-ROM and Zip 
drives; they have huge, megapixel dis- 
plays and networking hardware. 

Best of all, they are wickedly fast. In- 
tel-based notebooks can challenge all but 
the best desktop machines. In the Mac 
OS line, there's almost no difference be- 
tween the two. (While Intel's Pentium II 
processor is adapted for use in note- 
books—it's huge, consumes Chernobyl- 
level quantities of power and generates 
similar amounts of heat—practically any 
PowerPC processor used in a desktop 
Mac can be incorporated into a Power- 
Book design.) Apple's fastest. Power- 
Books are so powerful they can actually 
run Windows software at speeds compa- 
rable to that of a credible Intel notebook 
via software such as Connectix’ Virtual 
PC, creating a "virtual Pentium" in your 
computer's memory. 

It makes you wonder why you should 
bother having two machines. Most note- 
books let you plug in external monitors, 
keyboards and mice, so you can dupli- 
cate the desktop computer experience at 
a fraction of the cost without having to 
synchronize two complete sets of files. 


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Mention Playboy 


NINA HARTLEY 


(continued from page 118) 
PLAYBOY: How about the man who wants 
to improve his cunnilingus skills? 

HARTLEY: Pay attention. It's hard to eat 
pussy. You can get lost in it. If something 
dicks and you can tell she's not with you 
anymore, press your mouth on her vulva 
for a minute. She'll start moving and let 
you know what pace you need to get 
back to. It's like downshifting. You rev 
up the gear and then put in the clutch. 
PLAYBOY: What's the most common mis- 
take men make? 

HARTLEY: They head right for the clit. 
Look, I can make her jump! What I find 
ent is that so many people feel 
they have to “do” me. They nail me to 
the bed. Back off! If you hold the clit 
right, the woman's breathing and heart- 
beat will moye it enough. 

ылувоу: What's the first thing you no- 
tice опа naked man? 

HARTLEY: Lately? Whether he's circum- 
cised. 1 used to be neutral, but now I'm 
against it. Not only is it torture for an in- 
fant, but the foreskin is not useless. It 
keeps the head of the penis delicate and 
sensitive, and it has nerve endings that 
add to sexual pleasure. I'm meeting 
more white men in their 20s who are 
intact. 

PLAYBOV: What is the most hateful thing 
someone has said to you? 

HARTLEY: “I hope you never have kids.” 
That was when I was a guest on Donahue. 
People tell me I’m delusional, that I'm a 
tramp, that I have no self-respect. In 
some towns, people might pull their chil- 
dren away and hiss. Yet we're talking 
about consensual sex between adults. 
"That's how demonized sex has become. 
FLAYBOY: It's hard to insult you. 

HARTLEY: A tramp or slut is a woman who 
likes sex. I'm like, “Yeah, what's your 
point?’ 
PLAYBOY: What do your parents think of 
your career? 

HARTLEY: At first my mother was dis- 
traught, Had she been such a bad moth- 
er? My parents haven't seen any of my 
movies, because it's obviously not appro- 
priate for your parents to watch you 
fucking. 

PLAYBOY: What about the rest of your 
family? 

HARTLEY: I'm on speaking terms with 
everyone but one brother. I suspect he's 
upset because I ruined porn for him. He 
can never flip through a skin magazine 
because he might see his sister. And I'm 
the type he looks for—a blonde with a 
big butt. 

playboy: Does porn degrade women? 
HARTLEY: The antiporn people say porn 
shows women as whores by nature, and 
that men like to see women made miser- 
able. But the simple fantasy of porn is 
that women want sex as much as men 
do. The cliché is that men give love to 
get sex, and that women give sex to get 


love. But women should give sex to get 
sexand men should give love to get love. 
PLAYBOY: You can't dismiss the biologi- 
cal differences. Are men more driven 
to fuck? 

HARTLEY: Yes, and that's OK. But a wom- 
an can wear you out. As Bobby says, 
“One woman can take on a regiment.” 
That's partly why men fear female sexu- 
ality. At one time, ifa man walking down 
the street felt an attraction to a woman, 
he could charge her with witchcraft for 
putting a spell on him. She made him sin 


by inspiring lustful thoughts. 
PLAYBOY: Is sex overrated? 

HARTLEY: It's undervalued. 

PLAYEOY: Are men oversexed? 

HARILEv: Men like to be around naked 
chicks who are having orgasms. But 
women make guys lie. If a guy walked 
up to a woman and he were honest and 
said, “You're attractive, I'd love to get 
with you,” she would feel disrespected. 
To equate that wonderful feeling in his 
loins with disrespect is the worst thing 
that antiporn feminists such as Andrea 


Nice Brain 


NINA ON SEX, POLITICS AND PORN 


FROM “WHORES ANO OTHER FEMINISTS” 


“This culture's sexual mores stem 
from those of the founding religious 
fanatics who hanged women who 
were different; our sex laws come 
directly from their warped view- 
points. For Puritans, sex is a balance 
beam: One false step and you are 
damned forever. For me, sex is a 
big gated meadow with a sign that 
says CONSENTING ADULTS WELCOME. 
e to fall off into 


damnation. 


“When I was younger I was angry 
that there was no place for me to 
gain sexual skills without the bur- 
den of relationships and love. You 
could go to school for any other 
skill, but not sexual skill.” 


“For some women, objectification 
is humiliating. Other women suf- 
fer for never being the object of 
anyone's desire. Certain feminists 
throw the baby (sex and the mating 
dance) out the bathwater (male 
violations of women's space and dig- 
nity). We do not need less objectifi- 
cation (where else does one get the 
courage to say hello to someone at a 
party?). Rather, we need to make 
men more aware of how to act once 
they are next to a woman. Women 
will feel freer to say yes to sexual 
pleasure when men start honoring 
our nos." 


"If a woman presents a sexual, 
confident persona, men generally 
listen to all she has to say. Susan 
Sarandon said it succinctly in Bull 
Durham when she tied Tim Robbins 
to a bed and read him poetry: ‘Men 
will listen to anything if they think 
it’s foreplay.’ If she underscores her 
point by encouraging or facilitating 
or inducing his orgasm, the point 
may well stick for good.” 


FROM “PORNOGRAPHY AT THE MILLENNIUM” 


“Pornography can save civiliza- 
tion. How? Because of pornogra- 
phy's raison d'étre: orgasm. After 
millennia of bad press, the physio- 
logical phenomenon known as or- 
gasm has been shown irrefutably to 
have no negative side effects.” 


“Over the years, I have found 
that the people who have the stron- 
gest negative reaction to me are 
those whose sex lives are less than 
satisfying. They are not coming 
enough, and I, who remind them of 
that fact, am not welcome.” 


“For people who believe that 
pleasure is the devil’s tool, people 
like me and my friends signal the 
end of the world. They've been told 
that they need outside assistance to 
connect with God, and here we are, 
saying God is as close as the end of 
your arm and your next orgasm.” 


“I am an unabashed flag-waver 
for the positive effects of nudism, 
dance, jazz, full-body massage, 
swinging and group sex. Being part 
of the parallel universe of sex-posi- 
tivism has changed my life for the 
better. Whether you're celibate or 
‘promiscuous,’ there is some form of 
sexual expression right for you.” 


“While I champion the cause of 
pornography, I am aware there is 
material produced that is barely tol- 
erable. 1 agree in part with the an- 
tiporn feminists: A majority of adult 
movies are being made by infan- 
tile misogynists who are obsessively 
reliving their adolescent fixations. 
Does that surprise us? We do our 
best to raise sexually twisted people, 
then act outraged when they create 
ог desire twisted sexual entertain- 
ment or release? Puh-leeze.” 


PLAYBOY 


158 


Dworkin, Catharine MacKinnon and Su- 
san Brownmiller ever did. 

PLAYBOY: You've described yourself as an 
"erotic actress.” Where's the acting? 
HARTLEY: There's fucking and there's 
fucking with flair. How do you put feel- 
ing into a hand job? That’s where my 
dancing comes in. It's a performance. At 
home I like two or three positions and 
that’s it. When I'm not acting, I'm a very 
boring cunnilingus recipient. 

PLAYBOY: You once said that you don't 
"draw the weird kind of crowd." Isn't 
anyone who idolizes a porn star sort of 
cracked? 

HARTLEY: There are two kinds of fans. 
"There are fans who don't have a life and 
never will have a life. Then there is 
the regular guy who likes to masturbate 
every now and again, or he and his wife 
like to watch me. He wants to meet the 
person who has brought him so much 
pleasure. Those aren't cracked people. 
Pornography can make monogamy easi- 
er to handle. You go through periods 
where you need it more. 

PLAYBOY: What's the strangest thing a 
fan has done in an attempt to sleep 
with you? 

HARTLEY: No one docs bizarre things. If I 
want to sleep with you, you'll be the first 
to know. There are no hoops. 

PLAYBOY: So guys never beg? 

HARTLEY: Some do, but 1 don't let them 
go on for long. They don't expect me to 
say yes. They just had to ask. I say, “Of 
course you did. I'm certainly not offend- 


ed.” Some guys will offer me money—a 
lot of money. But there’s no amount 
worth going to jail over. If I were single, 
who knows what I would risk? But pres- 
ently it's not fair to my family. 

PLAYBOY: In Boogie Nights, when your 
husband—played by William H. Macy— 
yells at you for fucking some guy in the 
driveway, you have a great line: “You're 
embarrassing me.” Is there anything 
that embarrasses you? 

HARTLEY: I can't deep-throat worth a 
dang. I haven't learned how to get past 
the gag reflex. A couple of girlfriends 
told me to breathe out. I tried that last 
night, and it helped a little. 

PLAYBOY: Anything else? 

HARTLEY: Gas on the set. You just point 
your butt elsewhere. Or I'll forget some- 
one's name. I'll be at a swing party and 
somebody will say, “Remember me?” 
Fucking Nina Hartley was a big deal for 
them. To me, it was a day like any other. 
I fuck a lot of people. That's why I'm al- 
truistic in my sexual encounters. Even 
if I forgot your name, I know I treated 
you right. 

PLAYBOY: What etiquette is followed on 
porn sets? 

HARTLEY: If someone is a little ripe, you 
pull the director aside and mention it 
quietly. You do not embarrass a girl by 
getting between her legs and going, 
“Ugh.” 

PLAYBOY: What if you want to embarrass 
someone? How does one porn actress dis 
another? 


“Miss Preston, connect me with the executive dining room.” 


HARTLEY: You cast aspersions on her 
boob job. You say something about her 
cellulite. You call her a dead fuck. But I 
don't hear much malicious gossip. Most 
of the women are bisexual, so it’s a 
sisterhood. 

PLAYBOY: What etiquette is there con- 
cerning AIDS? 

HARTLEY: It's “You show me your test, 
and ГИ show you mine.” Everyone gets 
tested for HIV monthly, and the guys 
are now supposed to wear condoms. It 
will never be completely safe, but if you 
wanted that, you'd either be celibate or 
monogamous. 

pravnov: But surely there are people 
who disregard the etiquette, What hap- 
pens to them? 

HARTLEY: The entertainment business is 
full of vampires. If you want to kill your- 
self, there are people who will hold your 
hand all the way to hell. You really have 
to ask yourself, What do I want out of 
this? What am I here for? 

рілувоу: Do most people get involved 
out of desperate financial need? 
HARTLEY: A few years back, maybe. But 
the number of performers coming in 
who are clearheaded, sober, intelligent, 
happily married and sane is growing all 
the time. In five years you won't recog- 
nize the industry. Now people come in, 
like I did, for the long haul. The first 
time I walked into a room full of people 
having sex, I feltat home. 

PLAYBOY: What keeps performers from 
forming a union? 

HARTLEY: Scab labor is too easy to find. 
There's always going to be someone who 
thinks $200 is a lot of money. 

PLAYBOY: Is there a caste system? For in- 
stance, do strippers look down on porn 
stars? 

HARTLEY: They used to. They saw us as 
being little better than prostitutes. Now 
a lot of dancers see how well porn stars 
do financially when stars dance the cir- 
cuit, The dancers get into porn so they 
can make bigger money in dancing. 
PLAYBOY: Don't you need to have some 
degree of emotional detachment in or- 
der to make sex films? 

HARTLEY: I’m not emotionally detached. 
PLAYBOY: Most people aren't like you. 
HARTLEY: That's why the veteran per- 
formers talk some women out of it. We 
say, "You're not fit for this, baby. Maybe. 
you should try something else.” I'm in 
pornography because it’s an extension 
of my personal belief system. 

PLAYBOY: Are you a good girl? 

HARTLEY: Define your terms. I pay my 
taxes and conduct myself in a moral and 
ethical manner. I don't litter. I follow 
the rules. When it comes to sex, I don't 
take advantage of people who are not 
able to consent, meaning I don't talk to 
drunk chicks. On that level I'm always 


a good girl. 
[y] 


Jand Redd (continued from page 83) 


Teammates let the air out of my tires. The fans booed 
me. It was not a happy time. 


program on Saturday,” one of them told 
Rashad, referring to his weekly half- 
hour show for kids, NBA Inside Stuff. 
“And we love your wife on Cosby,” said 
the second woman, referring to Phylici 
Rashad, the female lead on the CBS sit- 
com. “When we're not watching you, 
we’re watching her,” she added, and the 
three of them laughed. When they were 
gone, he smiled and said, “I think Phyli- 
cia and I have a strong presence in black 
families.” 

In fact, the two of them are among 
America’s best-known couples, black or 
white, partly because of the way Ahmad 
proposed to Phylicia. It was Thanksgiv- 
ing Day, 1985. He was working for NBC 
as an NFL sideline commentator at a 
game in Pontiac, Michigan between the 
Lions and the Jets. Phylicia was appear- 
ing in the Macy's parade, which was also 
being televised by NBC. The two had 
been introduced by Bill Gosby and had 
dated quietly for a few months. Al- 
though the romance was serious, both of 
them had been married before, both 
were independent spirits and he wasn't 
sure what she would say. Nevertheless, 
as the pregame show began, he stood on 
the field, introduced a short taped fea- 
ture, and when the camera cut back to 
him for the live tag, he asked her to mar- 
ry him, and to answer the proposal by 
halftime. 

“To this day I still don't know exactly 
what I said, I was so nervous,” he says of 
the dicey moment broadcast coast to 
coast. “All I could think was, This girl 
could make me the most embarrassed 
man in America.” 

Instead, his wildly romantic gesture, 
and her televised answer, made him fa- 
mous in ways he didn't expect. “I’m 
probably better known for that than I 
am for the ‘miracle catch’ I made against 
the Browns in the last seconds of the 
game that gave the Vikings the division 
title in 1980.” 

Actually, the tipped Hail Mary pass 
that fell into his hands was more about 
luck than the skill and laid-back tenacity 
that characterized Rashad's football ca- 
reer—and his life, all the way back to the 
days when his name was Bobby Moore. 


He grew up in the projects of Taco- 
ma, Washington, the last of O.C. and 
Condola Moore's six children. O.C., a 
dapper, formal man who played no 
sports, was a barber at Fort Lewis. Ra- 
shad's mother worked as a cleaning 
woman and was a devout member of the 
fundamentalist Pentecostal church to 


which she took young Bobby several 
days a week. 

“Seems like I spent more than half 
my life in church till I was about 16. I 
had faith healers praying over me to 
сиге a skin condition—little bumps, like 
raisins—that showed up when I was 
about six years old. They pinned scraps 
of blessed cloth on my clothes, anointed 
me with foul-smelling elixir and olive oil, 
also blessed. There were days when I 
was made of rags and smelled like a 
barnyard covered with salad dressing. 
None of it worked, and neither did the 
stuff the doctors tried. Whatever it was 
went away by itself when I was about 12 
years old.” 

Despite the stigma of his bumps, Bob- 
by found friends at the South End Boys 
Club. He was fast and could outjump 
even the older boys with whom he 
played basketball and football. When it 
came time to choose a high school, he 
bused across town to Mt. Tahoma be- 
cause it had a better football team. In his 
four years there he starred as a running 
back, played basketball and high-jumped 
6'8” to win the state championship. He 
was known for the fluid grace that made 
it look as if he were going at something 
less than full tilt. "You're not giving it 
everything you have," ches told 
him. Even his father, after watching Bob- 


by in a winning football game, told him. 
he ought to try harder. 

In his book, Rashad, written with Peter 
Bodo, Ahmad remembers the moment 
O.C. chided him: “Dad never believed I 
was going to make it as an athlete be- 
cause I had this leisurely, slow way about 
me, especially when it came to getting up 
after being tackled. O.C. didn't like that 
much. He would tell me, 'Son, you've 
got to pop right up off the ground and 
run back to that huddle. You've got to 
really hustle out there if you want to 
make it.” 

The truth was Rashad was hustling 
even if it didn’t look like it. He was an 
all-America at Oregon, was drafted in 
the first round by St. Louis in 1972, led 
the league in pass receptions for three 
years, was named MVP in his first Pro 
Bowl and played in three others after 
that. In the middle of the 1982 season, 
after playing for St. Louis, Buffalo, Seat- 
tle and the Vikings, he announced his 
retirement. A week later, he went up for 
a pass, took a savage hit and came down 
with four broken bones in his back_ 

“And that was it,” he says without re- 
gret. “I was in the hospital reading the 
papers, hearing people say, ‘We know 
him. They'll build a pad for his back and 
he'll be out there next week,’ and I'm 
thinking, Bullshit. I'm done. I didn't 
want to just play football, I wanted to 
survive it.” And he did. Even at 48 years 
old and despite a recent operation dur- 
ing which an arthritic knee was replaced 
with a piece of titanium, Rashad still 
moves his 62^, 200-pound frame with an 
ease that hides the intensity he puts into 
everything he does. I saw it across a 


“I heard an intruder... .” 


PLAYBOY 


tennis net the day before we met in his 
hotel room. 

The morning began ina television stu- 
dio in Secaucus, New Jersey, where he 
was taping NBA Inside Stuff. The mood 
in the studio was nonchalant, almost 
sleepy. He and his co-host, former mod- 
el Willow Bay, joked with each other and 
the crew during setups. When someone 
mentioned that Boston Celtic Kenny An- 
derson had recently given away 100 
pairs of size-12 shoes, Rashad wondered, 
“Who's gonna go to Goodwill to buy 
crocodile shoes?” 

“He gave them to a church,” said one 
of the crew. 

“What church is that?" asked Rashad. 
“The Church of What's Happening 
Now?” 

NBA Inside Stuff is an upbeat half-hour 
show that focuses on everything good 
about professional basketball, a compi- 
lation of action shots, profiles and re- 
portage celebrating the pure athletic fun 
of the game. There is no controversy 
here. No talk of money, drugs or vio- 
lence. Two days before this taping, the 
sporting press had been in general out- 
rage when Latrell Sprewell's punish- 
ment for attacking his coach was greatly 
reduced. It went unmentioned on this 
show, which instead featured a piece on 
John Starks’ charity work. 


Rashad read the introductions with 
his usual loose, ironic, it's-only-a-game 
good humor, a delivery honed during 
his start in local television in Minnesota 
while he was still playing for the Vikes. 
Beyond just reading his lines, Rashad 
has always been deeply involved in the 
details of the production. In fact, the 
morning I watched him, NBA Entertain- 
ment had just announced that he had 
been made executive producer. 

“Its where I've always wanted to go," 
he said as we sat in his dressing room af- 
ter the taping. He had jazz on a boom 
box, a cigar in his mouth and a life-size 
cutout of Michael Jordan behind him. 
“It's a natural progression. When 1 first 
got into TV, I wanted to be in it for the 
long run. Otherwise, if you're just an 
athlete commentator, you get old and 
they replace you. When I started this 
show, I knew I wanted to run it someday, 
to be more hands-on, to be able to name 
my successor. That's what this promo- 
tion amounts to. 

We made our ride from Secaucus to 
clay courts in Connecticut in his black 
Mercedes 5005, one of eight cars he 
owns (including a Ferrari and his fa- 
vorite, a 1958 Porsche Speedster). 

“I love cars and I love to drive,” he 
said as he switched on the radar detector 
and lit up his cigar. 


"He followed me home. Call my lawyer." 


When I asked about some of his fa- 
mous friends, he said that meeting many 
of them had been one of the perks of be- 
ing an athlete. 

“1 met Jack Nicholson when I was 19," 
he said. "He's a sports fanatic and he was 
filming in Oregon. We were introduced 
and just started to hang out. That's one 
of the great things about sports: It cross- 
es all barriers, you run into all kinds of 
people. I met Bill Cosby the same way, 
around the same time." 

One of his best friends, Bill Murray, 
lives up the street from the home Ra- 
shad shares with Phylicia in suburban 
New York. “Bill was really helpful when 
I started broadcasting,” he said. “He cri- 
tiqued my style and gave me advice." 

I asked Rashad about his television 
style, especially his on-court spots for the 
NBC Game of the Week and his reputation 
as a soft interviewer. 

“I get a lot of shit for that,” he said, 
laughing. "But I look at these guys as en- 
tertainers. I like a good performance, 
and beyond that I don't need to know 
every last thing about the man. There’s a 
time and a place for the hard questions, 
but it’s not afier a game, when the guy 
just scored 50 points. And ГИ tell you 
something else: It doesn’t matter what I 
do, they still give me that softball shit. 
Remember the controversy about Mi- 
chael and his gambling problem? Well, I 
knew I had to ask him about it, even 
though I knew he didn't have one. So I 
asked our producer at NBC to write the 
questions, everything he wanted me to 
ask. They weren't my questions and they 
weren't softball and I asked Michael 
every single one of them. It didn't mat- 
ter. The press killed me for about a year 
over my softball Jordan interview.” 

In many ways Rashad's reluctance to 
use his journalistic incisors seems to 
come from the fact that he is friends with 
many of the players and, as a former ath- 
lete, is sympathetic to the cruelties of 
professional sports. 

“People do not see sports as a job,” 
he said when we talked about salaries. 
“They think of it as a game. They don't 
complain when an actor makes $20 mil- 
lion for a movie, because they know he's 
earning a lot more than that for a lot of. 
other people. It's no different for profes- 
sional athletes. And sports are equal op- 
portunity, remember. If you can do it, 
you get the millions." 

Still, even as we talked about Latrell 
Sprewell, Rashad couldn't muster a 
straight-up condemnation without a va- 
nilla chaser. “A bad act, a criminal act,” 
he said. "But I hate to put iton Sprewell 
per se, because I think things like that 
happen in all sports. I don't want to 
judge him because I don't know him as a 
person. And it's a good thing if it gets 
people talking about the nature of sports 
and vhere you draw lines." 

When I quoted NBA commissioner 
David Stern's notion that pro basketball 


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162 


is the only business in which you can at- 
tack your boss and still keep your job, 
Rashad moved closer to the hard line, 
without exactly toeing it. “David did the 
right thing. He was trying to send a sig- 
nal when he suspended Sprewell for a 
year. He made his point, the player's as- 
sociation made its point, and they let an 
arbitrator decide. That's fair." 

When I asked if Rashad thought any- 
body could have gotten away with jump- 
ing the coach back when he was playing 
football, the answer was unequivocal. 

“Oh no,” he said with a laugh. "You 
didn't jump the coach. You might have 
wanted to. I mean, there were coaches I 
couldn't stand, hated, would have loved 
to beat up. But you didn't do it." 

Rashad didn't name anybody, but 
there was certainly no love lost between 
young Bobby Moore and Don Coryell, 
his coach in St. Louis the year he became 
a Muslim and changed his name to Ah- 
mad Rashad. 

“The team owners didn’t want me to 
change my name, and none of the play- 
ers would call me by it. Coryell kept call- 
ing me Ramada or Armada. Teammates 
let the air out of my tires. Fans booed 
me. It was not a happy time. But I can 
compartmentalize pretty well. I just 
tried to go out on the field and work on 
my stuff the best I could.” 

Тһе next year he was traded to Buffa- 
lo, partly as a result of lobbying by a 
good friend, O.]. Simpson, who would 
11 years later be best man at Ahmad and 
Phylicia's wedding. In Rashad's book, 
written before the murders, he talked 
about meeting Simpson at the Hula 
Bowl just after Rashad's senior year at 
Oregon, then, after he turned pro, 
spending the off-season partying with 


Simpson in Los Angeles. He described 
the superstar running back as a “gen- 
uine, giving person,” a good friend who 
sought and reveled in the attention he 
got, but, at the sarne time, always gave 
credit to his teammates. Then Rashad 
quoted the way that his pal had once 
summed up his philosophy: “When I 
was a kid,” Simpson had told him, “I 
wanted to be rich and famous. Now that 
] am, I'm not going to let any of it go by. 
1 didn't realize my dreams to suddenly 
go all weird and sour on them. I'm going 
to live them to the limit, and make every 
minute of it count.” 

When 1 asked about the horror show 
Simpson has created, Rashad stumbled 
as he tried to describe his feelings, then 
as he tried to distance himself from his 
old friend. “I feel sad, I feel sorry for 
him. I feel, I mean, you know, I feel 
more sorry for Nicole and Ron and their 
families. As far as he's concerned, I don't 
think about him too often. I remember 
when it first happened, it was a big shock. 
and then the whole thing was a travesty 
with the two trials. It's, I don't know, I 
don't think I've even formulated a com- 
plete thought about it yet." 

Rashad said that their friendship had 
atrophied several years before the kill- 
ings. “We were just on the outs.” he said. 
“There was no real incident between the 
two of us. When I got married, all that 
shit we used to do together was gone, 
and we just went our separate ways. 

"There's no explanation for what hap- 
pened,” he said finally. “I knew him, but 
Т guess I didn’t know him that well.” 


We played tennis for a couple of hours 
and we played hard. Rashad didn't take 


“Pan down a bit, camera two, so that America can get 
a gander at Wendy’s bazookas.” 


up the game till he was in his mid-20s, 
and from then on he has played passion- 
ately, sometimes taking on two- and 
three-hour matches after a Sunday game 
with the Vikings. He talks about the fun 
of hitting with his friend John McEnroe 
and his neighbor Mats Wilander. “It’s 
great hitting with Mats,” he says. "He's 
such a nice guy he hits the ball right back 
to you. Makes you feel great.” 

I tried my best not to hit the ball right 
back to him, but even on his tender 
knee, he got to everything and beat me 
good. In one close game I started a 
charge that looked like it might turn the 
tide. It didn’t. He ran, stretched, lobbed 
and turned up the heat enough to keep 
me from the win. 

Which reminded me of our conversa- 
tion about Nykesha Sales, the injured 
University of Connecticut forward who, 
in her final game, hobbled onto the 
court while both teams stood idle so she 
could sink a basket to break the school's 
scoring record. It was a gift that was 
signed off on by both coaches and the 
Big East commissioner. Rashad, who had 
been sanguine about the Sprewell inci- 
dent, was outraged by this one. "It was a 
travesty,” he said, breaking out of his 
usual soft-shoe. “They messed with the 
integrity of sports, and you cannot do 
that. I don't care if it’s men, women, 
dogs or cats. As a competitor you don't 
give anybody anything. You take it if you 
can. I have worked my entire life to play 
as well as I can, and if you can take it 
from me, I respect you. But I can't give 
it to you.” 


“I see little potshots all the time,” he 
said when I finally asked him about the 
nastiness his friendship with Jordan 
seems to provoke. “But the item in Sports 
Illustrated was a little much.” 

He was talking about a comment in 
the “Scorecard” section of the February 
16 issue. Under the subhead “Wish List 
it said: “That a proctological dream team 
extracts Ahmad Rashad from the spot he 
occupies as Michael Jordan's Boswell.” 

“I talked to the guy who wrote it and 
told him, “That would be funny if you 
said it to me and you knew me and you 
knew Michael. I'd laugh at it then. But 
I'm not laughing now because it came 
out of the blue, in a national publication, 
and your portrayal of the situation is to- 
tally wrong.’ I thought about writing a 
letter to the editor,” he said in a rare dis- 
play of anger. "Then 1 decided I didn't 
give a shit, I wasn’t going to write a fuck- 
ing letter: So I just told the guy I wanted 
him to know it pissed me off.” 

“So why do you think you get so much 
flak for the friendship?” 

“1 don't know," Rashad said. “I asked 
the Sports Illustrated writer where this 
shot came from and he said, "Well, you 
have such access, and it just sort of goes 
with the territory.’ And I asked, ‘What 


territory?’ I’ve never tried to advance 
my career off knowing Michael. Our 
friendship is just that. A friendship.” 
"So it's just jealousy?” 
“Yeah, oh God, is it ever,” he said. 


In his hotel room the night before the 
Knicks-Bulls game, Rashad added a de- 
tail about his friendship with Jordan that 
seemed certain to incite further media 
resentment. 

“Before every game, when we're to- 
gether,” he said, “the two of us spend 
about 20 minutes someplace in the sta- 
dium where nobody can find us, just 
laughing and talking and hanging out. I 
suppose the sports press would hate me 
even more than they already do if they 
knew that. They're a tough fraternity, 
and I’m nota member even yet.” 

“I smoke a lot of them,” he said, 
laughing, when I asked him what brand 
his cigars were. “But I'd rather not say 
what they are because they're not exact- 
ly legal." 

I started to tell him that it isn't illegal 
to smoke Cuban cigars, only to import 
them, when the phone rang. "No, no," 
he said to the caller. "Come on down. 
Гуе got a friend I want you to meet.” 

A minute later there was a knock on 
the door. Rashad opened it and Michael 
Jordan walked into the room dressed in 
tailored black, looking like a million 
bucks, smiling and carrying a cloth bag. 
“Got something for you,” he said, pull- 
ing a sealed box of cigars from the bag. 
Rashad took the gift with something like 
а разр. 

“You got to be kidding,” he said. “I 
don't believe it. Where did you get 
these? Nobody can get these. How did 
you get them?” 

"Don't worry about it,” Jordan said, 
laughing as if the box had materialized 
in his hotel room wrapped in presi- 
dential stationery postmarked Havana. 
‘Then he dug into the bag again and be- 
gan pulling out loose cigars, one by one, 
reading the names on the bands. The 
two of them chuckled and whooped and 
passed them back and forth like kids ri- 
fling through a deck of impossible-to-get 
trading cards. 


“You played tennis?” Jordan asked 
Rashad when our match came up. 
“You're not supposed to be running 
around on that knee yet. With the way 
you play, you're probably going to blow 
it out.” 

I asked Michael for some dirt on Ra- 
shad. It's like he has everybody I talk to 
on retainer, I said. Nobody has a bad 
word. Tell me something he's hoping 
nobody will. 

“I can't do that,” Jordan said with a 
smile that came on like a fluorescent 
light. "IF did, I'd implicate myself.” 

“Last game at the Garden tomorrow?” 


I asked him on the off chance that he'd 
made the monumental decision on the 
way from his suite to Rashad's and was 
bursting to tell the first journalist he saw. 
He smiled and shrugged, a sincere 
shrug I thought 
“We'll see,” he said 


Rashad and I arrived at the Garden a 
couple of hours before game time. I had 
a press pass, but walking with him up the 
ramp toward the players’ parking zone, 
I didn’t need to use it. Everyone we 
saw—guards, crew, paramedics—greet- 
ed him, and he called them by name in 
return. Then, behind us on the ramp, 
came furious honking from a big white 
Mercedes. 

“Get out of the way, Rashad,” yelled 
the Knicks’ Patrick Ewing, shaking his 
bandaged wrist. 

“You can't play,” Rashad yelled back, 
“and you can't drive, either.” 

At the tunnel entrance to the floor, we 
met Bob Costas, NBC's Game of the Week 
anchor and a mentor of Rasbad's with 
whom Rashad started his network career 
and whom he still calls "the best in the. 
business." They greeted each other with 
mock formality, then joked about hang- 
ing out over the years. 

Later, Costas told me, “A lot of people 
criticize Ahmad for what he's not, 
out realizing what he is. The guy is 
damn good on the air—he has a great 
sense of humor and nobody relates to 
athletes better, which translates to access. 
ГИ tell you, if 1 were starting a network 
sports division, Ahmad would be among 
the first people I'd hire.” 

While Costas and Rashad prepared 
for the broadcast, Isiah Thomas, a new 
member of the NBC team, stood at cen- 
ter court talking with me about his deci- 
sion to retire. 

“Ahmad helped me a lot,” he said. “He 
gave me great advice on how to prepare 
for the next step. And he’s still helping. 
He's a confidant, a friend, a guy you can 
trus 

When I asked about the general anger 
over Rashad's friendship with Jordan, 
Thomas said, "I think it's jealousy. Peo- 
ple are envious of a relationship they 
can't have. The thing is, the two of them 
understand each other, and when they 
get together they can laugh at the same 
things, and at themselves. The three of. 
us were out to dinner last night and it 
was just fun." He paused, then laughed. 
"But those cigars—man! I don't smoke 
cigars, and they were just puffin’ and 
puffin’. My eyes started going and I had 
to get out of there.” 

An hour before game time, I trailed 
Rashad into the Bulls’ locker room while 
a clutch of reporters waited outside. Ra- 
shad said hello to the players in the 
dressing area, then we walked through 
an open portal into a back room. Phil 
Jackson and the other coaches sat on a 


bench against a wall; Jordan was tying 
his shoes at a desk in a corner. Rashad 
spoke to him, and while I stood waiting, 
Jackson looked at me and asked, “Are 
you with the press?” When I told him 
yes, he said, “This room is off-limits to 
the media.” 

Rashad caught up with me in the out- 
er chamber a minute later. “Sorry,” he 
said, “I forgot to tell you about that 
rule.” 

At that moment it hit me why sports 
journalists hate Rashad: He works the 
Game of the Week for NBC and is execu- 
tive producer and star of a weekly televi- 
sion show, but he isn't a member of the 
lowly media. He's a friend of Michael's, 
and that amounts to a backstage pass the 
working schlubs can’t pick up at the 
press office. 

A few minutes later, Jordan and Ra- 
shad disappeared into the underground 
warren of offices and storerooms for 
their pregame palaver. And whatever 
laughing they did, at themselves or at 
others, whatever you-can't-get-'em ci- 
gars they might have smoked, seemed to 
have put Jordan in the mood to live up 
to a banner being waved in the stands: 
SUPERMAN IS IN THE BUILDING. 

I watched from the press box as Jor- 
dan put on the kind of show that will 
leave basketball when he goes, the kind 
of show that makes you wonder why he 
would even think of quitting. 

Rashad sat in a baseline seat and rose 
during time-outs for his on-court spots. 
The Knicks played hard and well, but 
with barely a minute left, the game was 
out of reach. With a minute and a half to 
go. Jordan sat down and the hard-assed 
Garden crowd gave him an ovation, then 
began heading for the exits. 

Just behind me half a dozen young 
guys who had been rooting hard and 
rowdy for the Knicks went silent during 
a final time-out, then turned their rau- 
cous energy on Rashad. 

“Look at him,” one of them said. “He 
can't wait to do his interview with Mi- 
chael. Hey, Ahmad, only 19 seconds: 
left,” he yelled. “You better hurry.” “Kiss 
him,” shouted another, which broke the 
group into big laughter and set them in- 
to anew rondo of nasty suggestion. 

“Lick him, Ahmad—and don't forget 
behind the ears. . . .” As they filed out of 
their seats, the last in line made a remark 
that made me think perhaps some of the 
anger at Rashad is deflected resentment, 
а way of shooting at a target that is oth- 
erwise impossible to hit given that he is 
faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap 
tall buildings in a single bound and, at 
35 years old, still in a league entirely 
his own. 

“Goddamn,” the kid said, glancing at 
the scoreboard, which read BULLS 102, 
KNICKS 89, “I've had it with Michael fuck- 
ing Jordan.” 


163 


РУЕКТАТТ”Ы 02% 


THE New «S. 
(continued from page 90) 


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most powerful engine you can find and 


Above: A tail view is all yov're likely to see of the Shelby Series 1. The trunk is hinged ot the bock of the 
car. With the top up, there's room for a set of golf clubs. Top down, you're limited to an overnighter. 


mount it on a featherweight chassis. Ac- 
cordingly, the new Series 1 uses an ex- 
truded aluminum chassis with honey- 
comb sections for increased strength. 
Hundreds of precise welds are stitched 
along the frame sections as if they had 
been individually sewn by a tailor. The 
entire chassis has been subjected to a so- 
phisticated analysis that maximizes stiff- 
ness and crash-worthiness by strength- 
ening the frame and body panels where 
necessary, thus allowing unstressed com- 
ponents to be as light as possible. For 
some idea of the car's rigidity, a mid- 
range Mercedes-Benz E320 sedan body 


164 is one of the stiffest street platforms you 


can buy. The Shelby is nearly 30 percent 
stiffer, With such an unyielding body 
and frame, the Shelby's suspension 
be precisely tuned because all four of i 
wheels will track exactly where they're 
pointed regardless of road camber and 
surface changes. 

Under the Series 1's hood is a modi- 
fied Oldsmobile Aurora engine that's ba- 
sically a smaller version of Cadillac's 
DOHC 4.6-liter Northstar V8. Its 4-liter, 
32-valve power plant has been boosted 
from 250 hp to 325 hp. ‘Team Shelby's 
engineers have modified the air intake 
and fitted a lightweight stainless steel ex- 
haust with tiny, high-flow catalytic con- 
verters from the new Camaro. Along 
with the fuel injectors, the camshafts 
and valve timing have been changed for 
higher torque output, but the highly ef- 
ficient one-coil-per-cylinder ignition sys- 
tem is just the vay Oldsmobile sells it. In 
fact, Shelby tried to use standard Olds 
Aurora parts wherever possible to make 
obtaining service easier. 

In the stock Aurora sedan, howev- 


er, the four-cam engine is transversely 
mounted and linked directly to a four- 
speed automatic transmission. In the 
Series 1, the engine is mounted longi- 
tudinally and a new bell housing was cre- 
ated. A single-disc competition clutch 
handles the power. To improve weight 
distribution, the close-ratio, six-speed 
transaxle is located in the rear. 

You will appreciate the Series l's racer 
origins even more when you examine its 
competition-derived suspension, devel- 
oped by MTC/Dynamic Suspensions of 
Toronto, a team with considerable For- 
mula I racing experience. Huge, fully 
adjustable coil-over shock absorbers are 


mounted inboard to reduce unsprung 
weight and permit ride-height adjust- 
ments. Adjustable front and rear roll 
bars round out the specifications. 

You would expect а car like this to stop 
ona dime, and the Shelby does. Ventilat- 
ed disc brakes with four-caliper fronts 
and twin-caliper rears are featured. 
Wide, ZR-rated tires have been mount- 
ed on 18-inch, five-spoke wheels with 
forged magnesium centers and alumi- 
num outer rims. 

We were treated to an all-too-brief 
ride in a Series 1 prototype on some side 
streets near the old Shelby factory in 
Gardena, California. The car's accelera- 
tion was intense, cornering speeds wer 
impressive and the ride was race-car 
firm. We had no reason to doubt Shel- 
by's claim that the Series 1 “will bea little 
ass-kicker.” 

Although a select group of 25 Oldsmo- 
bile dealers will offer test-drives, take the 
orders and service these cars, customers 
will actually take delivery at the factory. 
“Buyers will come to Las Vegas,” says 
Don Rager, “where they will 
attend an exclusive driv- 
ing school at the Speed- 
way conducted by Indy Rac- 
ing League driver Davey 
Hamilton.” 

Through its new racing 
development center, Team 
Shelby will provide support 
services to several profes- 
sional motor sport teams. 
“We're attracting a high-pro- 
file clientele and we're here 
to stay. There are ideas for 
future models,” says Rager, 
“but we are never going to 
lose the Shelby image.” 

For a supercar, the Series 
1's price is surprisingly rea- 
sonable. Out the door, it costs 
$106,795, excluding taxes 
and delivery. That's more 
than the latest Corvette but 
considerably cheaper than a 
Ferrari F355. With a top 
speed of 170 mph, the Series 
Т is more than a match for 
the latter. Shelby American 
claims more than 150 orders 
at the preproduction price of 
$99,975 each. Restricted by federal reg- 
ulations and exemptions for small man- 
ufacturers, the company will build only 
500 cars, no matter what the demand. 
You can have any color you want as long 
as it's Centennial silver. 

“Along with the Series 1, we have ex- 
panded our classic Cobra line to sell a 
289 version, an FIA competition road. 
ster and a Daytona coupe,” Rager says. 
Who knows what a future Playmate of 
the Year will be driving. (For additional 
information, call Eric Davison at Shelby 
American, 702-365. 


Cindy 
Crawford 


DON’T MISS IT! 


166 


WHERE 


HOW 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 30, 84, 
88, 92-93, 114-115, 120- 
125 and 179, check the listings 
below to find the siores near- 
est you. 


WIRED 

Page 30: “Just Say Cheese- 
cake": Camera by Connedix, 
650-638-7300. “Sounds Enticing”: DSS 
Receiver by RCA, from Thomson Elec- 
tronics, 800-336-1900. Dish network re- 
ceiver and box from Echostar Comm., 800- 
521-9282. Dish network receiver and 
VER by JVC of America, 800-252-5722. 
DBS system by Primstar, 800-774-6378. 
“The Cells Have Ears”: Cellular phones: 
By Motorola, 800-331-6456. By Nokia, 800- 
666-5553. By Oki Telecom, 800-554-3112. 
“Wild Things": Quicktionary by Seiko, 
800-873-4508. VCR by Sony Electronics 
Corp., 800-922-7669. 


‘THE SINGLE GUY'S GUIDE TO 
"TECHNOLOGY 

Page 84: Personal digital assistant by 
ЗСот, 800-881-7256. Page 88: Desktop 
computer by Apple Computer, 800-538-9696. 


‘THE PERFECT WORKOUT IN 90 
MINUTES A WEEK 

Pages 92-93: Personal training and fit- 
ness: Greg Isaacs, Warner Bros.’ Fitness 
Center, 4000 Warner Blvd., Burbank, CA, 
91522, 818-954-4242 or gregisaacs@ulti 
matclcanroutinc.com. 


HDTV 
Pages 114-115: "The Bottom Line": Plas- 
ma high definition television by Pioneer 
Electronics, 800-745-6337. Rear-projection 
HDTV: By Hitachi Electronics, 800-448- 
2244. By RCA Electronics, from Thomson 
Electronics, 800-336-1900. By Mitsubishi 
Electronics, 800-332-2119. By Panasonic, 
800-911-7262. t view НОТУ by Sony 
Electronics, 800-222-7669. Digital VHS 
VCR: By Panasonic, 800-211-7262. By JVC 
of America, 800-252-5722. 


FALL AND WINTER FASHION 
FORECAST 

Page 120: Suit by Emporio Armani, New 
York City, 212-727-3240 and Beverly 


ي ي 


ro 


BUY 


Hills, 310-271-7790. Shirt 
by Brioni, 888-778-8775. 
‘Tie by Etro, New York 
212-317-9096 and at Nei- 
man Marcus stores. Belt 
and boots by Kenneth Cole, 
800-KEN-COLE, Page 12 
Suit by Donna Karan Collec- 
tion, at Scott Hill, Los Ange- 
les, 310-777-1190 and select 
Saks Fifth Avenue stores. 
Sweater by Belford Men, at 
Moe Ginsburg, New York 
City, 212-982-5254, Met- 
ег», Charlevoix, MI, 616-547-4035 and 
Sarasota, FL, 941-388-3991 and Oak Hall, 
Memphis, 901-761-3580. Belt by Kenneth 
Cole, 800-KEN-COLE, Page 122: Glasses by 
Kenneth Cole Eyewear, 888-424-2375. Shirt 
by Brioni, 888-778-8775. Tie by Donna 
Karan Collection, at Saks Fifth Avenue, New 
York City, 212-753-4000. Shirt by Thomas 
Pink, 888-336-1192. Tie by Ermenegildo 
Zegna, at select Neiman Marcus and Saks 
Fifth Avenue stores. Cuff links by Elsa 
Peretti for Tiffany & Co., 800-526-0649. 
Shirt from Polo by Ralph Lauren, at the Bon 
Marché, Seattle, 206-440-6000. Scarf by 
Meg Cohen, at Paul Smith, New York City, 
212-627-9770, Body Art, Denver, 303- 
333-8883 or for more information, call 
219-473-4002. Cuff links by Angela Cum- 
mings, by special order from the Angela 
Cummings boutique at Bergdorf Good- 
man, New York City, 212-872-8874, Cuff 
links by Harald Nielsen, at Georg Jensen, 
New York City, 212-759-6457. Page 123: 
Suit by Bos: Hugo Boss, King of Prussia, PA, 
610-992-1400 and Washington, DC, 202- 
625-2677. Shirt by Joseph Abboud, at select 
Bloomingdale's and Saks Fifth Avenue 
stores. Tie by Donna Karan Collection, at 
Saks Fifth Avenue, New York City, 212- 
753-4000. Page 124: Suit by Calvin Klein, 
New York City, 212-292-9000. Shirt and 
tic by Donna Karan Collection, at Saks Fifth 
Avenue, New York City, 212-753-4000. 
Page 125: Leather blazer by Trussardi, at 
Gavani, Seattle, 206-382-0968. Sweater 
and cords by Nicole Farhi, at Saks Fifth Av- 
спис, New York City, 212-753-4000, San 
Francisco, 415-986-4300 and Greenwich, 
CT, 203-862-5300. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 179: “DVD to Go": DVD players: By 
Samsung Electronics, 888-987-4357. By 
Panasonic, 800-211-7262. Toshiba Electron- 
ics, 800-457-7777. 


BY CEGDEE MAY P. 130 GROOMING BY MAITAL SABBAN FOR VISAGES STYLE LA. STYLING BY LYNNE BU 


(continued from page 74) 


with Johnny after living alone for a few 
months, on a night when 1 was feeling 
particularly sorry for myself, isolated 
and estranged from everyone I had ever 
loved, including my only brother. I told 
him what a mess I was, how unhappy I 
was, that I needed to see him again. The 
first open space Johnny had on his cal- 
endar was Labor Day weekend, festival 
of the Burning Man. 

And now... . here I was. I tidied up the 
back of the van, spreading my pillows 
and sleeping bags over sheet-covered 
foam cushions. Then I honked the horn, 
pulled out a few books and made myself 
comfortable. I stretched out and looked 
up through tinted windows at a bright- 
blue sky. A minute later Chrys tapped at 
the back door, then pulled it open and 
climbed in. 

“Ummm,” she said. “This is definitely 
a lot better. My tent is broiling.” She sat 
up with her back against the front seat 
and pulled off her boots. “You were go- 
ing to explain a few things,” she said. 
“Remember?” 

“Oh, right,” I said. “About Johnny.” 

“Right. About Johnny.” She pulled off 
her pants, revealing slight bikini panties, 
and then the halter top, revealing her 
breasts, before climbing under the open 
sleeping bag and pulling it up to her 
chin. She undressed as perfunctorily as 
if I had been her longtime roommate. 

It took me a second to steady my 
breathing. 1 wanted nothing more than 
to feel the weight of her breasts in my 
hands. “Give me a second,” I said. “1 
need to recover.” 

She smiled playfully. “Come on under 
here with me.” 

“Come on under there with you,” I re- 
peated, exaggerating the stunned disbe- 
lief I felt. “Sounds good to me.” I undid 
my belt buckle and started getting out 
of my clothes while she watched. 

“Your brother,” she said, reminding 
me to explain. 

“My brother-—” I hesitated a mo- 
ment, folding my shorts and tossing 
them toward the back of the van. “My 
brother is rich,” I said. “And as we all 
know, the rich are not like the rest of us.” 

“How rich?” 

“He's megarich. Hundreds-of-mil- 
lions rich.” 

“Hundreds of millions? Really? From 
what? What's he do?” 

“Music industry.” 

“What's he do in the music industry?” 

“Long story,” 1 said and slid under the 
sleeping bag. I was naked from the waist 
down. I hadn't taken off my shirt be- 
cause I didn’t want to expose all that un- 
muscular flesh. 

Chrys cuddled against me as soon as I 
was under the sleeping bag, and then 
the conversation ended. She took a con- 
dom out of a leather change purse and 


handed it to me, and we were making 
love within minutes. I finished way too 
soon, leaving her not even close to being 
satisfied. I felt embarrassed, but she 
seemed OK about it. I tried to finish by 
touching her, but she wouldn't let me. 
"No," she said. "That's so mechanical." 

“I feel like a kid,” I said. "Like an in- 
experienced boy." 

She kissed me gently, lovingly, on the 
forehead. "An inexperienced boy," she 
said, *wouldn't have a clue there was a 
problem." 

“You have a point there." I settled my- 
self into my pillow. I wanted to tell her I 
loved her. I felt the words knocking at 
some inner door, asking to be let out. I 
didn't speak them. But I felt them. I 
closed my eyes. 

I didn't actually fall asleep, but I could 
tell by the way Chrys appeared when I 
pecked up that she thought I had. She 
looked around the van, taking things in, 
observing. She pulled a copy of my last 
book from between the front seats and 
read the back cover. I let her think I was 
sleeping because I was afraid she might 
want to make love again—and I knew 
there was no way. I wasn’t sure how 
much Chrys knew about older men 
When she got dressed quietly and 
sneaked out of the van, being careful not 
to wake me, I was relieved. 1 put on my 
shorts, turned onto my back and lay with 
my arms crossed under my head. I con- 
templated the possibility of a serious re- 
lationship with Chrys, and the difference 
in our ages came up as a major prob- 
lem. But then, middle-aged men marry 
younger women all the time. 

I let myself imagine what it might be 
like to marry Chrys, and all the com- 
plaints about me from the women I had 
lived with came to mind immediately. I 
was moody and sullen and wrapped up 
in my writing. I was temperamental and 
persnickety. And it was true. I wasn't an 
easy person to live with. But still, she 
seemed to appreciate that I was a writer. 
It was possible that she'd be willing to 
put up with me—or, even, that I might 
change. 

I didn't get a lot of time to follow this 
train of thought before Mel approached 
the back of the van, peered in through 
the tinted glass and then knocked. She 
was wearing the same bright-yellow sun- 
dress with red flowers, but she had lost 
the red sombrero, and I noticed how at- 
tractively her auburn hair was cut and 
styled. She wore it short and parted left 
of center. As she turned her head, it 
moved uniformly, in waves, with the flu- 
idity of water. I opened the back door 
and she climbed in, smiling brightly. She 
said, “Hello, Kevin,” and looked down at 
the second pillow and the mussed blan- 
kets beside me. "Where's Chrys?” 

“Inher tent." I pointed to the window. 
"Where's Johnny?” 

She tucked her legs under her and 
folded her hands in her lap. “You know, 


you're the only one other than me who 
calls him Johnny." 

“Splay.” I tried out the sound of the 
word. "I can't imagine it." 

Mel looked at me as if she found me 
slightly mystifying. 

“Who exactly are you to Johnny,” I 
said, “if you don't mind my asking?” 

“Exactly? That's hard to say with a guy 
like Johnny. I'm his companion.” 

“How long?” I said. “How long have 
you been his companion?” 

“For about ten years,” she answered, 
punctuating her words by cocking her 
head and smiling with an exaggerated 
brightness, which was amusing, as she 
obviously intended. 

“Jesus,” 1 said. “You could be his wife.” 

“Well,” she said, “actually, I suppose I 
am, in common law. Sure. I'm his wife.” 
She folded her arms under her breasts. 
She had a look that was a mixture of 
mirth and surprise. She seemed to find 
me funny—and a little odd. She added, 
“I'm also his pimp, his drug supplier, 
housekeeper, financier, secretary, gofer. 
You name it.” 

“Pimp?” 

“Sure.” She took a deep breath, signal- 
ing that she was about to launch into a 
long explanation. “Everybody.” she said, 
“wants to fuck Johnny, but they re afraid 
he's got AIDS—which he doesn't, by the 
way. I make sure they know that, that he 
doesn't have AIDS. I bring it up in con- 
versation. "Man, ГИ say, ‘I make Splay get 
ап AIDS lest every six months, so long as he 
wants to fuck me.’ Then ГИ show them the 
results of the last test. And it’s all true. I 
do make him get an AIDS test every six 
months if he wants to fuck me, which he 
does every once in a while.” 

“Everybody?” 1 said. “Wants to fuck 
Johnny?” 

“Oh, God. You don't want to hear,” 
she said with an air of confidentiality, as 
if there were things she'd love to tell me. 
“Absolutely everybody. You shocked? 
Нез your brother.” 

“That he is,” I said, and I had no idea 
what to say next. I sat there with my legs 
stretched out in front of me, barefoot, 
wearing shorts and a T-shirt, looking—I 
imagined—like some country bumpkin 
seeing the city lights for the first time. 

“So,” Mel said. “Why don't you get 
Chrys, and we can—?” She gestured 
off into the distance, in the direction 
from which she had come. 

"Actually," I said, “why don't you get 
her?” as I opened the back door for her. 
“Give me a couple of seconds to get my 
sandals on, et cetera." 

“No problem.” She climbed out the 
back, brushed herself off and started for 
Chrys’ tent. Once she slammed the back 
door shut, I went about finding my san- 
dals, straightening up, and brushing my 
hair. When I shut down the van and 
stepped out into the heat, Chrys and 
Mel were waiting for me. Chrys looked 


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alittle pale. 

Mel put her hands on her hips and 
said, as if reprimanding me, “I can't be- 
lieve you didn’t tell her who your broth- 
er is!” 

Chrys said, “Your brother is Splay? 
Really 

“Are you impressed?” I put my hand 
on the small of her back, and the three of 
us headed into the flowing line of peo- 
ple, all of whom seemed to be moving to- 
ward the center of the circle. We walked 
three abreast. I asked Mel, “How'd you 
know where to find u: 

“We have our agents,” she said. 

Chrys laughed much too loudly. 

I said, “Jesus, Chrys. It wasn't all that 
funny.” 

Chrys said, “I guess I’m a little ner- 
vous.” Then she added emphatically, 
“He didn't look like Splay! I mean, I'd 
have never guessed it, and I've probably 
only seen him like a billion times.” 

Mel said, “You can't see shit at a con- 
cert, And MTV is all makeup.” She put 
her arm around Chrys and gave her a 
hug. “Believe me,” she said. “He's Splay. 
He likes you, too—as was probably ob- 
vious.” She laughed girlishly, almost 
giggled. 

‘The rest of the way to the trailer, 
Chrys and Mel walked arm in arm, chat- 
tering. I fell back a step, glad to be left 
out of the conversation, which was all 
about Splay, concerts and other rock 
celebrities. I was feeling a little surly. 


I pointed as we approached a trailer 
the size of a semi, twice as big as any- 
thing nearby. "Splay's playhouse on the 
road,” I said, attempting an impression 
of Robin Leach. Neither Chrys nor Mel 
noticed the effort. 

“This is it,” Mel said, and she led us up 
a small metal stoop. Chrys and I waited 
as she unlocked the door. I was a step 
down from Chrys. I touched her on her 
thigh, gently, patting her, really. She 
gave me a pleasant smile. Im sure she 
meant the smile to be friendly, but I bris- 
tled at it. It was the kind of smile you 
give someone when your mind is on 
something else. 

Mel opened the door and guided us 
into an attractively furnished living 
room that looked more appropriate to a 
house than to a trailer. Once the door 
closed, it was quiet inside. The air was 
still and cool, almost chilly. 

“Nice,” I said. "Some trailer." 

“Mobile home," Mel corrected. “We 
spend a lot of time here.” She pointed 
down a narrow corridor. “Why don't you 
go get Johnny? He might still be sleep- 
ing.” She put her arm around Chrys as if 
they had been friends for a lifetime. 

“Chrys and I will find something to e 
Side by side, they looked like mother 
and daughter—and in the trailer light it 
was clear that there were more than 
enough years between them for that to 


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be possible. Alongside Mel, Chrys looked 
like a baby, the skin of her cheeks had 
the rosy glow of baby fat, while’s Mel’s 
skin looked pulled and tucked, as if it 
had seen a surgical procedure or two. 

On the way to the corridor, I passed a 
window and saw that the trailer was situ- 
ated with a perfect view of the still-un- 
burned Burning Man, who loomed up 
in the center of the circle with his arms 
raised, if to embrace all his children. 
The window was directly above a tall 
table with a pair of high benches on ei- 
ther side of it, and I sat for a moment 
and took in the view of the statue and 
the scores of people milling around its 
feet. | found it amusing that even in an 
artistic and anarchistic gathering such as 
this, money and fame obviously brought 
you some privileges—like a front-row 
view of the festivities. | closed my eyes a 
moment and leaned my head back on 
the booth and tried to gather myself. 
I tried to empty myself of the anger I 
was feeling toward Johnny. He was my 
brother. I had asked to see him, not the 
other way around. If his wealth and 
celebrity made Chrys behave as if she 
were about to meet God, that wasn’t 
Johnny's fault. I took a deep breath and 
let it out slowly. From another room, 
which I guessed to be the kitchen, I 
heard Chrys and Mel chattering over the 
sounds of dishes and drawers opening 
and closing. Directly across from me was 
another window above another table- 
and-bench set, and through that window 
I could see a parade of figures costumed 
in long, flowing robes with cowls, march- 
ing toward the center of the circle. I 
watched them awhile and then pulled 
myself up and shook myself off, to cast 
away the bad feelings. 

1 found Johnny in his bedroom, stand- 
ing alongside an unmade bed. He was 
dressed in a white robe over black paja- 
mas. He was looking down into the palm 
of his open hand, in which there were 
three multicolored pills. He saw me a 
second after I entered the room and 
popped the pills into his mouth, washing 
them down with a glass of water that was 
on a bedside table. For a moment I was 
pissed. Then I decided, Fine, maybe 
he'll get stoned enough to make an ass 
out of himself in front of Chrys. 

“Kevin. Christ, man——” he said. 
“Look at you!” He was smiling. "You've 
gotten old!” He crossed the room and 
gave me a hug, which I returned, tenta- 
tively. He felt frail in my arms, bones 
wrapped in skin. 

I pulled back and said, “You're look- 
ing a bit thin, brother.” I held his jaw 
in my hand. “A bit pinched and арі in 
the cheeks.” I made a face that asked, Are 
you OK? 

“Too much drug-drug and booze.” He 
smiled wryly, and then patted me on the 
shoulder and walked past me toward the 
living room. 

Mel and Chrys were waiting at the 


table where I had sat a moment earlier. 
They had dishes of food and wicker 
baskets of snacks spread around. Four 
frosty bottles of beer marked our plac- 
es. I slid behind one bottle, alongside 
Chrys. Splay slid in next to Mel, and 
downed half his beer in one long gulp. 
Mel gave him a look, which he ignored. 

Chrys said, “I still can’t believe you're 
Splay,” and she put on this coy, cute ex- 
pression I hadn't seen before. She said, 
“I mean, I know, now that I know... I 
can see... but . . . Splay's, like, ап image. 
You represent rock or something. It’s just 
that I can't believe you're really Splay . . 
sitting here like this.” 

Johnny and Mel seemed thorough- 
ly entertained by Chrys. Johnny said, 
“Want me to prove it?” and he opened 
his robe and started to pull apart the fly 
of his pajamas. 

Mel slapped his hand. “Stop it,” she 
said, and she and Chrys laughed. 

I said, "That's not really true, is it? 
What you're supposed to have done to 
your’ 

“My dick?” He looked as though he 
couldn't believe I was asking the ques- 
tion. “Where do you think Splay comes 
from? That's the whole——" 

"I thought it was all tabloid. You really 
did that?" Then all three of them were 
looking at me as if 1 were from another 
planet. Johnny was supposed to have 
had an operation on his penis. He was 
supposed to have had it splayed, cut 
along the midline so that the head 
fanned out to either side, which —I had 
read—was what Aborigines do in some 
sort of ritual ceremonial thing. But I 
never believed that Johnny actually had 
it done. I thought it was more of the 
same old rock-and-roll hype and hyste- 
ria. I didn't think he was crazy enough to 
actually do such a thing. 

Johnny said, "It's historic, Kevin." 

Chrys asked, "Didn't someone do а 
Ph.D. dissertation about it?" 

Johnny said, “A kid from Rutgers." 

Mel said, "He got it all wrong. But it 
was a publicity coup. We went from a 
ig-time rock group with a five-year life 
span to cultural-icon status in months. 
We went from making big money to out- 
grossing most small nations. The Rut- 
gers guy, you wouldn't believe his analy- 
sis. You wouldn’t believe the significance 
he finds in Johnny getting 
ignificance?” Johnny 
That's the significance.” 
Chrys a concerned look, “We're not be- 
ing too cynical for you, are we?” 

“Actually,” Chrys said, adopting that 
terribly cute demeanor again. “I was just 
wondering —” She looked away from 
Johnny to Mel. “Is it true that it’s——" 

Johnny grinned and Mel looked sly 
and smug. I knew what Chrys was ask- 
ing. According to the news stories, the 
splaying operation was supposed to 
enhance the sexual pleasure of both 


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parties, but especially the woman's. 

Mel said, still with the sly look, “Why 
don't we all get high and talk about 
that.” She climbed over Johnny and dis- 
appeared into the bedroom. 

I asked Chrys, “Do you get high? I 
mean, do you want to do this?” 

Chrys just gave me a look, as if the 
question were too silly to answer. 

Johnny said, “We've got some first- 
rate grass, special stuff. You get high, 
don’t you, Kevin?” 

“Occasionally,” 1 said, not bothering to 
tell him that the last occasion was about 
25 years ago. 

Mel climbed back to her place and I 
noticed she had changed into a pair of 
velvety red slippers. She dropped one 
fat joint on the table and lifted another, 
which she passed to her lips. She lit up, 
toked and passed the joint to Ch 
When Chrys handed me the joint, I i 
haled only a tiny bit of smoke, concerned 
that I might embarrass myself by going 
into a coughing fit. 

Chrys said to Johnny, “I've always 
been curious about the Rats Sing video. 
Did you really mutilate yourself when 
they were taping? The part where you 
drag the razor across your chest?” 

Mel said, “Trade secret.” 

I passed Johnny the joint and to my 
surprise he handed it to Mel. I guessed 
the pills were enough for him. 

"Really?" Chrys said. “You won't tell?” 

Johnny said, "It was red paint." 

“Johnny!” Mel passed the joint to 
Chrys. "You'll disillusion her." 

“Right,” Johnny said. "OK," he said to 
Chrys. “Т really do mutilate myself—reg- 


ix," Mel corrected. 
“And I occasionally drink the blood of 
rats, and——" he turned to Mel. “What 
else?’ 

“You sleep in а coffin.” 

“With a live rat,” Johnny added. 
“That's true.” 

Chrys looked like she believed him for 
а second, and then she started to giggle 
when she realized he wasn't serious. I 
took a second toke and felt myself get- 
ting immensely sleepy. 

“Can you tell me this?” Chrys asked. 
“Did you and Fey Wrey really have sex 
onstage like that? I mean, it looked like 
it, but no one ever really, you know, doc- 
umented it.” 

Johnny leaned over the table and 
wrapped his hands around Chrys’ 
hands. “I'm straight,” he said. “Always 
have been. Still am.” 

Mel said, “Another publicity coup. Act 
of genius.” 

I took a third, long toke and felt dark- 
ness closing in around the edges of my 
vision. I tried to shake it off. I couldn't 
remember ever feeling so deliciously 
sleepy. 

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172 


what I remember best about that night? 
That's the night you talked me into tech- 
nology stocks.” 

“And that was years before the market 
went through the roof.” Mel leaned over 
and kissed him on the cheek. “You're 
welcome." 

“Mel’s my CEO,” Johnny said. “CEO 
of Splay Industries. She makes seven fig- 
ures a year in salary alone. She's got an 
MBA from . .. where?” 

“From Wharton.” Mel flashed me a 
bright smile. 

The conversation stalled for a mo- 
ment, and then Chrys asked, “Is Fey 
Wrey as crazy as everyone says?” 

Johnny shook his head, appearing a 
little annoyed at the question, as if he 
were tiring of Chrys’ naivete. “You know 
what Fey and I talk about when we get 
together?” 

“Commodities,” Mel said. She looked 
at Chrys. “Bore you to death.” 

Chrys said to Johnny, “You and Fey 
Wrey talk about the stock market when 
you get together?” She looked down at 
the table a momentand then started gig- 
gling convulsively. 

I said, “Jesus. What is in this grass? I 
can’t keep my eyes open!” 

Johnny said, "You're getting old, 
brother.” 

Mel lit up the second joint. “I think it’s 
laced with some designer crap. Winston 
gave it to us.” 

Chrys said, "Winston from——" 

“The same,” Mel said, and passed her 
the new joint. 

I said, “Gee, you guys mind if I just go 
to sleep here?” I put my head on Chrys’ 
shoulder. 

“Here, little brother,” Johnny said. He 
went to the table and booths opposite 
us and, with a couple of movements, 
he dropped the table and pushed the 
booths together so that they formed a 


bed, mattress and all. I must have been 
really stoned, because it looked like a 
magic trick to me. When I said, “How 
did you do that?” everyone laughed. 

Johnny said, “Knock yourself out, 
Kevin.” 

I wasn't sure what Johnny meant, but 
the bed looked like a piece of paradise to 
me. I dragged myself to the booth and 
dropped my body onto the mattress. I 
closed my eyes with something like or- 
gasmic pleasure. ‘The last thing I re- 
member is hearing Chrys and Mel talk- 
ing, and then Mel telling Johnny to pull 
the curtain for me, and opening my eyes 
long enough to see Johnny pulling a 
curtain around me, turning what had 
been a table and benches into a small 
bedroom. I remember thinking the 
words mobile home, and then cuddling up 
into the mattress and giving myself over 
to sleep. 


When I opened my eyes it was dark. 
From beyond the trailer walls 1 heard 
music and the sublittoral drone of water, 
water rolling in waves against sand and 
rocks—until I remembered where I was. 
‘Then the sound of waves turned in- 
to voices of the crowd shouting and 
screaming. I tried to sit up, thinking, 
from the noise, that I must be missing 
the burning, but my head felt heavy and 
I didn't move, and | must have fallen 
asleep again because the next time I 
opened my eyes the noise had abat- 
ed, though 1 could still hear occasional 
shouting and music. 

My head felt better, and after I lay 
a few more moments, my thoughts clari 
fied and I remembered exactly where I 
was and what was going on. I sat up 
slowly and rubbed my eyes and opened 
the curtain and found myself looking at 
Mel, who was looking back at me with 
an expression somewhere between sul- 


ll 


“Look, why waste time? I say the man’s guilty!” 


try and wickedly amused. She held Chrys 
in her arms, Chrys’ body stretched 
across her lap, like Mary holding Christ's 
body in Michelangelo's Pietà. Chrys" 
head was turned toward Mel's breast, 
not suckling, but pressed against it, as if 
for comfort. They were both undressed, 
as was Johnny, who was fucking Chrys 
while Mel held her. Chrys’ body and the 
pained expression on her face suggested 
she was absorbed completely in sexual 
pleasure. Above her, Johnny's naked 
body was so thin, he looked like a skele- 
ton. He looked ghastly to me, a rack of 
bones pushing himself slowly in and out 
of her. He looked like something from a 
Halloween decoration. Beyond Johnny, 
through the window, I could see the fig- 
ure of the Burning Man, a few flames 
still playing along the torso and head. 

When he noticed me, Johnny stepped 
back, and I saw him fully exposed, with 
no part of himself buried in Chrys. I had 
to turn away. His penis looked like a 
twisted flower, its head engorged and 
misshapen, mutilated. 1 rubbed my eyes 
and stood up, acting as if I were waking: 
in the suburbs of Iowa City to a typical 
morning scene. When 1 looked back, 
they were all looking at me—and I real- 
ized they were waiting for me to join 
them, that the look was an invitation, I 
smiled and stretched and yawned, and 
then walked out of the trailer. Outside, 
on the steps, I hesitated a moment. I was 
thinking, This is it. I don't want to see the 
guy again. Ever. 1 took a breath and went 
back into the trailer. They hadn't missed 
me. Johnny was leaning over Chrys and 
she was moaning with pleasure while 
Mel stroked her forehead. I said, “John- 
ny. You've always been a fool,” and I saw 
a look of fury flash over his face before 
1 turned and again walked out of the 
trailer. 

I'm not sure what I was feeling as 1 
walked away: relief? sadness? Emptiness 
mostly, I think. Nothing, with sadness 
and anger hovering around the edges. 1 
walked. The Burning Man had burned. 
There were lots of people around, 
throngs of people looking excited or 
tired, pumped up or crashing. Many in 
costumes. I walked toward the Burning 
Man, and when I came upon two empty 
lawn chairs inside a drawn circle on the 
cracked desert, I stepped into the circle 
and took a seat. There was no onc in the 
immediate vicinity: It was a little shad- 
owy spot ten feet beyond a ring of tents 
and parachute structures, where a cou- 
ple must have gotten away from their 
friends to watch the burning. I didn't 
think they'd mind if I rested awhile. I 
looked up as one of the Burning Man's 
arms fell to the ground and exploded in 
a bright splash of red embers. People 
roared their approval. Then Johnny 
stepped into the circle and sat alongside 
me. He was wearing one of Mel's red 
slippers and one of his own, and the 
black pajamas, with the top inside out. 


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He fell heavily into the chair, as if 
he were exhausted. 

“Where the hell did you come from?” 

He looked at me for a moment with- 
out speaking, his face a mask of amused 
disgust. He reminded me for a moment 
of the Johnny I knew as a kid, my older 
brother, the guy I always turned to when 
I did something stupid. He said, “I fol- 
lowed you. I ran after you when you left 
the trailer. 1 was going to wring your 
neck before I remembered 1 couldn't 
wring a puppy's neck, let alone a big old 
guy like you." He paused a moment. 
“How'd you get so old, Kevin?" 

I sat up in my chair and leaned over to 
look closely at Johnny. He was sweating 
and pale. IF I weren't so fed up with him, 
I'd have been worried. “What the hell's 
wrong with you, Johnny? Don't tell me 
you have AIDS," I said. "Or is it just the 
drugs?" 

“What drugs?" 

“The ones I saw you popping in the 
bedroom.” 

“Those are medicine, Sherlock. I take 
medication every four and six hours.” 

I waited, prompting him to explain. 

“I don’t have AIDS,” he said. “What 
I’ve gotis kidneys that are nearly gone, a 
liver that's a wreck, and last year I had a 
stroke. Sometimes I can barely talk.” 

I leaned away from Johnny, and then 
1 looked away. 

He added, "I'm around another year, 
itll be a gift.” 

I didn't know what I wanted to say. I 
rubbed my forehead hard with the heel 
of my hand. Fact was, even finding out 
about all this, I was still angry with him 
He must have been able to feel it. 

He said, “I've read your stories, Kev. 
You're a moralist. They're all—what’s 
right, what's wrong.” He shook his head, 
as if dismissing my stupidity. 

I didn't bother responding. 

He said, "What is it you expect, Kev- 
in? You think you figure out the rules 
you'll be happy? You think you can live 
a pleasant life?” 

I said, "Not with you as my brother, 
Johnny" 

He answered, without hesitating, "I 
am your brother. That's the way it is, 
Kevin. Way it is.” He was quiet for a 
while, and then he laughed an unpleas- 
ant laugh that went on and on. 

I was silent. I had nothing I wanted to 
say. When Johnny finally managed to 
stop laughing, he leaned toward me and 
put his hand on my forearm. His fingers 
were dry and rough, like an old man's, 
and I was surprised—at the feel of my 
brother's hand. Above us, the night sky 
darkened. Around us, the noise of the 
crowd diminished. We remained there 
like that, with his hand on my arm— 
brothers, looking up at the black husk of 
the Burning Man, the charred figure, 
wrecked and smoldering, 


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PLAYMATE SNEWS 


In 1989 Craig Hosoda published 
The Bare Facts Video Guide, an exhaus- 
tive list of your favorite movie stars" 
nude screen appearances. That book 
listed 460 women, among them 31 
Playmates. In the 1998 edition 
($24.95), Hosoda has 3430 actress en- 
tries, including 234 Playmates and 
their naked résumés. As a plus, the 
CD-ROM version ($39.95) doesn't 
limit itself to the moving image—it 
also tallies appearances in PLAYBOY 
and our Newsstand Specials. The en- 

try for Miss July 1989 Erika Ele- 

niak, for example, 

cites three 
television 
gigs, eight 
films, one 
made-for- 

TV movie, 

two FLAYBOY 
videos and 
29 print ap- 
pearances. 
The Bare Facts 
Video Guide is a 
treasure for all 
film buffs and a 
must for Playmate devotees. 

For more information call 408-249- 
2021, or visit wun.barefacts.com. 


September 7: Miss October 1959 
Elaine Reynolds 

September 9: Miss March 1973 Bonnie 
Large 

September 12: Miss September 1964 
Astrid Schulz 

September 19: Miss November 1993 
Julianna Young 

September 28: Miss February 1982 
Anne-Marie Fox 


Congrats to Playboy Netherlands, 
which recently observed its 15th an- 
niversary. To celebrate, editors deliv- 
ered a colorful gala issue packed with 
Alles wat mannen boeit—the Dutch an- 


auto- 


ally ap- 


swer to entertainment for men. Atthe 
center of its pages, however, was the 
issue's true prize: blonde and beauti- 
ful Linda van der Pluym, a 23-year- 
old dynamo who is thrilled to have 
joined the dazzling cast of inter- 
national Play- 
mates. “I am 
honored to be 
in PLAYBOY,” she 
comments in 
her layout. “1 
look at Play- 
mates from the 
past and think, 
I can't be that 
beautiful. Yet 
there I am, look- 
ing sexy and 
stylish.” But it 
wasn't always so, says Linda. “When I 
was a child, the schoolboys in my 
hometown of Spijkenisse never really 
saw me. I wore no makeup and the 
wrong clothes. I looked more like a 
boy. But then I decided to let my hair 
grow and wear tighter, shorter dress- 
es. Suddenly I felt more self-assured.” 
Although Linda has no burning am- 
bitions at the moment (“ambition is 
an empty word—I prefer wishes”), 
she’s having a blast in her role as the 
Netherlands’ newest ambassador of 
beauty. “And my boyfriend is proud, 
too,” she adds. “He says he wants to 
carry my Centerfold around with 
him.” Some things are the same the 
world over. 


TEN YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


"The September 1988 issue fea- 
tured affairs aplenty—affairs of 
state (an excerpt from Barry 
Goldwater's memoir), interna- 
tional affairs (an interview with 
Yasir Arafat) and affairs of the 
heart (our second pictorial-con- 
fessional with Jessica Hahn). But 
it was also the issue in which 
readers began a long-standing 
love affair with Playmate Laura 
Richmond, a fiery redhead, writ- 
er and performance artist. She 
was born in Fort Dix, New Jersey 
and considered herself a Texan, 


Laura Richmond 


yet found her way to Los Ange- 
les, where she studied English: 
In fact, Laura insisted on pen- 
ning her own pictorial copy. 
“Writing is like sex,” she told us 
at the time. “Fantasies can make it 
better. Onstage, in my journal or 
in bed, I tap into my fantasies.” 


CALLING ALL COTTONTAILS 


No, it wasn't an invasion fram Planet Bunny. Half a dozen Playmates 
enthusiastically donned floppy ears and hopped aver to the 
Playboy Mansian to help Hef celebrate his 72nd birthday. The 
gang olsa joined forces to promate—and celebrate—The Bunny 
Years (Pamegranate), Kathryn Leigh Scott's pravacative memoir 
af those remarkable Playboy Club women. The Bunny-Playmates 
pictured here (left ta right) with Hef and Kathryn are Heather 
Kazar (holding the book), Shae Marks, Victoria Fuller, Stacy 


Sanches ond Daphnee Lynn Duploix 


There's simply 
no question about it—my all- 
time favorite Playmate has to be 
Anna Nicole Smith. She's to- 
tally unpredictable. Remember 
when she married that 89-year- 
old billionaire who died, like, 
what was it, the next week? 
"Then she made the papers again 
when she crashed that 13-year- 
old's bar mitzvah. I still don't 
know what the big stink was 
about. 1 mean, from the kid's 
perspective, Anna showing up 
at his bar mitzvah 
certainly had to 
be better than get- 
ting a few dollars 
from Uncle Sol. I 
think she makes 
the perfect gift 
for a 13-year-old 
Jewish boy. Hell. 
she’s the perfect 
gift for a 75-year- 
old Eskimo. ie 


Dear Holly Joan Hart: 

I work with computers, so I should 
be able to see things in a logical way. 
So why is it that whenever I look at 
your picture, my whole world turns 
upside down? 

It’s enough that you are beauti- 
ful—and by that 1 mean eye-popping, 
jaw-dropping gorgeous. But did you 
have to be smart and funny and sassy 
and sexy to boot? 

I love the fact that you want to bea 
first-grade teacher, as opposed to a 
fashion model or a Baywatch babe like 
so many other Playmates. I love it 
that your dad's a cop, and that you're 
obviously very close to him. And, be- 
ing a black man, I love that you refer 
to your Puerto Rican-French-Irish- 
Colombian-African American roots 
as an “all of the above” ethnicity. 

Is it asking too much 
that you move to New 
York, track me down, 
and spend the rest of 

your life with me? 
Love, 
Guy Frazier 
New York, NY 


Dear Ava Fabian: 
I have been an ad- 
mirer of yours ever 


since your Playmate ap- 


Ava Fabian 


Р PLAYMATE NEWS 


pearance in August 1986. I saw you 
on the terrific Erotic Confessions series. 
My only complaint is that you are not 
featured enough on the show. They 
should devote at least one whole epi- 
sode to just you. 

1 also saw your photos in Playboy's 
Newsstand Special Nude Playmates 97. 
They were great. I'm glad that the 
powers-that-be at PLAYBOY recognize 
that you are as beautiful today as you 
were 12 years ago. 

Continued success, 
Steven Tagawa 
Sacramento, CA 


UOTE UNQUOTE | 


As host of the new syndicated dat- 
ing show Love Shack, Miss March 1996 
Priscilla Lee Taylor knows a thing or 
two about relationships. Not only 
does she serve as matchmaker for sin- 
gles on the show, she also found true 
love on the same set. Priscilla plans to 
marry the show’s producer on New 
Year's Eve. 

Q: Give us some practical advice: 
What should a man do on the first 
date to ensure a second date? 
A: Sometimes it’s less about what he 
does than what he doesn’t do. 
Q: Meaning? 
A: Meaning ifa guy tries to kiss me on 
the first date, it’s a major turn-off. 
Q: How about on the second date? 
A: Better. 
Q: How did becoming a Playmate af- 
fect your love life? 
A: I'm not sure it did. I have never 
been big on the social scene, and I 
didn’t date regular- 
ly. After I be- 
came a Play- 
mate, I went 
from one boy- 
friend to the 
next one, with 
just a month 
of downtime in 
between. I have 
been with my fi- 
ancé for more 
than а year. 
Q: Is there any- 
thing about women that men don't 
understand? 
A: 1 think some men underestimate 
women. If a man has gone out with a 
few clueless women, he thinks we're 
all like that. Truth is, we're more intu- 
itive than they realize. We file things 
away in our minds for later. 
Q: What's the nicest thing you've ever 
done for a man? 
A: I redecorated his house while he was 
away for four days. I changed the fur- 
niture, curtains, bedding, everything. 
He was surprised—and he loved it. 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Miss May 1996 Shauna Sand- 
Lamas is busy. She recently 
signed a contract for a new se- 
ties, Air America, which begins 

airing in September. And 

in her rare moments of 
downtime, she has start- 

ed her own Web site 

(www.lamasandlamas. 

com). . . . After making 

"-— her mark as a Playmate, 
Miss January 1993 Echo John- 
son modeled for Guess jeans and 
hit pay dirt with a 
best-selling post- 
ег. So what's left 
for Echo to do? 
Put out a calen- 
dar, of course. 
Look for it in the 
Fall 1998 Playboy 
Catalog. . . . Miss 
May 1994 Shae 
Marks has land- 
ed a recurring 
role on the cable 
series Black Scor- 
pion, a wild su- 
perhero show 
to be produced 
by Roger Cor- 
man. Miss Feb- 
ruary 1997 
Kimber West and Miss June 
1997 Carrie Stevens will also ap- 
pear on the show. . . . Miss May 
1984 Patty Duffek has launched 
her own cigar club in Arizona. 
Cleverly christened Patty Puffs, 
the mail-order club offers its 
members discounts on premium 
brands. ... Miss March 1997 Jen- 
nifer iam did her share for 
Playboy TV, donning a headset 
at a Sacramento radio station to 
spread the word about PBTV's 
Special Preview promotions. . . 


Jennifer Miriam spreads the goad word. 


Miss January 1997 Jami Ferrell 
has decided to move back to her 
native Indiana, where she'll take 
a well-earned breather before 
setting off on an extended excur- 
sion abroad. Bon voyage, Jami. 


61998 PLAYBOY 


THE PLAYBOY 


GUIDE TO 


THE PLAYBOY 
GUIDE TO 


A selective guide to the most important CDs — and to the history of jazz 


NEIL TESSER 


— m  — nn x ws 


$11 95 The Playboy Jazz Festival has been 


Book# V24711 


bringing jazz legends to the stage 
for decades. Now Playboy brings 
you another landmark jazz event: The Playboy Guide 
to Jazz. From the founding fathers to the renegade 
sons, this indispensable guide chronicles the artists, 
compositions and crucial recordings that have defined 
and redefined jazz for nearly a century. Let Playboy 
columnist and noted jazz critic Neil Tesser help you 
discover the vital albums and rich history that make 
jazz the coolest of all American art forms. Softcover. 
574" x 8". 304 pages. Available August 1. 

Books VZ4711 $11.95 


ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494 


Most major credit cards accepted. 


ORDER BY MAIL 

Include credit card account number and expiration date or 
send a check or money order to Playboy, PO. Box 809, 
Dept. 80261, Itasca, Illinois 60143-0809. $4.00 shipping- 
and-handling charge per total order. Illinois residents 
include 6.75% sales tax. 


Canadian orders accepted (pleose visit aur website far other 
foreign orders). 


Visit the Playboy Store at www.playboy.com/catalog 


101998, Ted Williams and Special Ediions Limited 


WISHES & DREAMS 
BENSON & HEDGES 


© Philip Moris Inc. 1998 


15 mg "tar; 11 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method. - 
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, a 


Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. A MOMENT OF PLEASURE 
WITH THE 100MM CIGARETTE 


DVD TO GO 


ot news on the DVD front: Portable players are starting round-sound effect from the system's two integrated speakers. It 
to show up. Panasonic’s superslick DVD-L10 Palm- also comes with a headphone jack and all the connections you 
Theater is a veritable home theater for the road. De- need to watch movies on your TV at home. Future DVD portables 
signed to play any of the 1500 movies now on DVD, as from Sony and Samsung will enable you to watch movies via virtu- 
well as video and audio CDs, the machine has a 5.8-inch flip-up а! reality-style headsets. And there are even notebook computers 
LCD widescreen and features audio technology that creates a sur- with DVD drives. Boogie Nights or number crunching? No contest. 


GEORGIOU 


GEORGE 


Clockwise from top left: What better way to escape conversation with 
an airplane seatmate than with Samsung’s P-Theater? This portable DVD 
player provides private screenings by way of an LCD headset with ear- 
phones. Look for it early next year; no price available. Panasonic's three- 
pound DVD-L10 PalmTheater features a 5.8-inch LCD color monitor, two 
speakers with virtual surround sound, a two-hour rechargeable battery 
and, of course, all the requisite TV connections (about $1300). Toshiba's 
Tecra 780 DVD notebook computer is desktop-powerful thanks to a 266- 
MHz Pentium II processor, 64 megs of RAM, an eight-gigabyte hard 
drive, a K56 flex modem, a DVD drive and a lot more (about $6000). 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PACE 166. 


GRAPEVINE 


All That Glitters Is Goldie 


GOLDIE HAWN has gone from The First Wives Club to a remake of Neil 
Simon's The Out-of-Towners with Steve Martin. Look for the movie at 

Christmastime. Until then, feast your eyes on Goldie. She’s clearly 
feeling fine about being over 50. We're 
feeling good about it too. 


Vedder Than Ever 


Pearl Jam and EDDIE VEDDER have resurfaced, energized. 
Yield went platinum, and the band's biggest U.S. tour since 
1992 is in progress. Eddie says, “If you make good art, you're 
doing your job.” Good job, Ed. 


The 
Full 
Nelson 
MERIAH NELSON 
modeled for a 1995 
Playboy Newsstand 
Special and ap- 
peared in Radio Si- 
lence and Drop 
Dead. Meriah 
is drop-dead 
gorgeous. 


The Bottom 
Line on 
Carla 

Playboy Brazil 
cover girl CARLA 
PEREZ has a bot- 
tom that’s the 
talk of her coun- 
try—so much so 
that when this is- 
sue went on sale, 
it took less than 
24 hours to be- 
come collectible. 


| NINGUEM š ENTREVISTA 
| SEGURA - CARLOS MANGA, 


| CARLA an 


рр | Carrões do ano 2000 
PEREZ в: 
б LAVÍNIA VLASAK, 

b a lia de "О Rei 

do Gado” 


EXCLUSIVO. 
Oastro do 

te 

DENNIS RODMAN 

Je ADRIANA. 2 conta como 
| CARVALIO. 4 transou com 


TAN E MADONNA | 


| PEREIRA 
JANELLE 


Boogie Nights 

ABIGAIL LENZ, lead vocalist of Swamp Boogie 

Queen, is rocking. Play a cut from Ш Gotten 

Booty and you'll know why she's having so 
much fun. Lenz calls it the power of musi 

We call it sweaty. Get moist. 


A Taste of Honey 
You've spotted HONEY MILCH in ll 


beach shots on m 
snowboarding'adš for Кес 


Honey is cool and s 


The Reverend 
Heats 
Things Up 
THE REVEREND HOR- 
TON HEAT and his 
band are playing punk 
rockabilly in small 
clubs to showcase 
the CD Space 
Heater. Heat spent 
much of his adoles- 
cence in a Texas 
juvenile fa 
Rock and roll is a 
step up, right? 


FOR CAR THIEVES, IT’S THE PITS 


Clamp this caliper-type lock on to the tire of 
your car, motorcycle, boat trailer or small air- 
craft and see if “nothing stays like a Pit Bull.” 
‘The Pit Bull Tire Lock Corp. in Santa Fe says 
the 9.5-pound lock is so effective it's used by 
NATO troops in Bosnia to prevent military- 
vehicle theft. Price: $350, and $28 for a stor- 
age bag. Call 505-989-3678 to order, then ask 
about Pit Bull's new lug blocker ($85) that 


protects against tire removal. 


JUST SAY JOE’S SENT YOU 


Joe's Stone Crab Restaurant has been serving. 
its namesake delicacy for eight generations, but 
until recently you had to drop by the restau- 
rant on Washington Avenue in Miami to enjoy 
the fare. Now this Florida landmark has initiat- 
ed Joe's Goes Direct—Dinner at Your Door 
(fróm mid-October through mid-May) with 
overnight delivery of 12 stone crab claws, cole 
slaw and key lime pie for two ($141.95). Other 
dinner packages are available; call 800-780-скль. 


POTPOURRI 


GARDEN OF 
HEDON 

Jamaica's Hedo- 

nism II reportedly 


resort, and after 
reading the “Be 
Wrecked for a 
Week” chapter in 
Chris Santilli's soft- 
cover The Naked 
Truth About Hedo- 
nism IT, we can see 
why. Who goes to 
Hedon, games you 
can play on the 
nude beach and a 
glossary of terms (a 
Wally is an older single man who stares a lot and doesn't say 
much) are just a few of the contents, along with anecdotes and 
photographs—including one demonstrating a beer-drinking 
game called butt chug. Santilli has been to Hedonism И 27 times, 
which makes her an average repeater. Some guests have visited 
more than 50 times. Price: $24 from Scarlett, Oh! Publishing, РО. 
Box 6584, Villa Park, Illinois 60181. Or call 888-883-9040. 


ALL THAT JAZZ 


Itwas the late Forties and in Manhattan jazz was the music of 
choice. Erroll Garner and Oscar Pettiford were playing the 

3 Deuces, and Art Tatum was just down the street at the Famous 
Door. The atmosphere was captured in 52nd Street, New York 
1948, pictured here, photographed by William Gottlieb (his work 
has been on more than 250 jazz album and CD covers). Now 
52nd Street is available as a 31.5”х 23.5” color poster from the Jazz 
Store for $35 unframed or $89.95 framed (in black, silver or gold 
metal). Call 800-558-9513 to order, and then request a copy of 
the store's latest catalog, which offers all things jazz—videos, CDs, 
‘Tshirts, caps and lapel pins. There are even limited-edition silk 
screens of jazz compositions signed by Dave Brubeck, Chick 
Corea and others, which range in price from $530 to $665. 


FROM CLUELESS TO GENIUS 


You and your date are on your way to a 
four-star restaurant, but you don't know 
jack about ordering wine. Don't worry— 
just pop Instant Genius into your cassette 
deck and you'll be briefed by master som- 
meliers on how wine is made and more. 
Other $12 tapes in the series cover the 
stock market, world religions, modern 
art, ctiquette and the Constitution. Call 
800-488-8040. 


MAGIC IN THE AIR 


This year, PBS broadcast The Art of Magic, 
a TV special that chronicles the history of 
conjuring, from ancient shamans to 
Siegfried and Roy. Now GPG has pub- 
lished a hardcover companion volume 
with more than 200 black-and-white and 
color images. The book, also titled The 

Art of Magic, sells for $30 in stores. It 
doesn't reveal how tricks are done. 


ONE GIANT 
LEAP FOR 
MANKIND 


If your childhood 
dream of becoming 
an astronaut hasn't 
come true, here's 
the next best thing 
Earthlight, a hybrid 
DVD and DVD- 
ROM (it can be 
played on DVD 
players and person- 
al computers), con- 
tains 80 minutes of 
newly released 
NASA footage of Earth shot from the space shuttle. As a viewer, you'll 
be 200 miles high, watching the world as you listen to beautiful music 
Just click the mouse to find out what you're looking at and to learn 
about space shuttle missions. Price: $29.95; call 888-735-6656. 


WHIFF AND PROOF 


Dalmore Scotch has just intro- 
duced a new bottling that’s 
called Cigar Malt, so named be- 
cause the liquor’s aging process 
(two years in oloroso sherry bar- 
rels followed by vatting with 
eight- to ten-year-old whiskies 
stored in bourbon casks, then 
another year or soin sherry 
casks) gives it body and balance 
that complement a medium to 
medium-heavy cigar. Cigar Malt 
is 86 proof, so you may want to 
cut it slightly with spring water. 
‘Try a dram after dinner with a 
Romeo & Julieta Vintage, a 
Hoyo de Monterrey, a Juan 
Clemente or an HMH by Don 
Diego. Price: about $30 a bottle. 


PIPE-HUGGING HONEY 


“A little beauty for your beast” is how Moto- 

Arts markets its line of motorcycle heat 

shields that celebrate the female form in re- 

pose. The 15” Exhausted fits pipes 1%” to 3” in diameter and is 
available in triple chrome ($190) or gold plate ($250). As a desk 
ornament on marble, it is plated in chrome, red brass (inset) or 
yellow brass for $275. Gold plate costs $300. Call 818-957-1059. 


184 


ALL NEW CINDY 


NEXT MONTH 


WORKING WOMEN 


CINDY CRAWFORD—THE SUPERMODEL MAKES HISTORY 
AGAIN IN THIS AMAZING PICTORIAL WITH PHOTOGRAPHER 
HERB RITTS. WE GAVE IT 14 PAGES. YOU'LL NEVER FOR- 
GIVE YOURSELF IF YOU MISS THEM 


GERALDO RIVERA—NOTHING IS SACRED TO TV'S TOP. 
PROVOCATEUR, NOT O.J., NOT JERRY SPRINGER, NOT 
EVEN BARBARA WALTERS’ BREASTS. AND HE JUST CAPPED 
HIS COMEBACK WITH A SIX-YEAR, $30 MILLION CONTRACT 
WITH NBC. A MEMORABLE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY GREG- 
ORY P. FAGAN 


TORI SPELLING—DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL IS ALL GROWN UP. 
IN A RAUCOUS 200 BY ROBERT CRANE, THE 90210 
PRINCESS CONTEMPLATES THREESOMES, STRIPPING AND 
WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE A DICK 


PLAYBOY'S PIGSKIN PREVIEW -OUR MONEY-IN-THE- 
BANK SPORTS EDITOR GARY COLE PREDICTS 1998'S WIN- 
NERS AND TOP PLAYERS 


PLAYBOY’S HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION, 
PART VIII—DEEP THROAT, ROE VS. WADE, STUDIO 54, 
SCREW MAGAZINE AND THE HITE REPORT. JAMES R. PE- 
TERSEN REVIEWS THE JOY OF SEX IN THE SEVENTIES, 
WHEN LUST WENT PUBLIC TO A DISCO BEAT 


JOY OF SEK 


JAZZ AND ROCK POLL—GET JIGGY WITH YOUR PENCIL 
AND VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITES, INCLUDING THE SMASH- 
ING PUMPKINS, RADIOHEAD, PUFF DADDY, BJORK, 
MADONNA, JOE ELY, THE MAVERICKS AND DEE DEE 
BRIDGEWATER 


GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY—THE BANDIT QUEEN AND HER 
TROOP OF GRIZZLED DESPERADOES ROB AN UNUSUAL LO- 
COMOTIVE. FICTION BY ROBERT COOVER 


GYM BABES—THEY PUMP AND FLEX IN LYCRA AND SPAN- 
DEX AND MAKE YOU CRAZY. HERE'S HOW TO BUDDY UP. 
AND STILL GET YOUR WORKOUT IN 


ORGAZMO.—A MORMON PORN STAR. A SIDEKICK WITH A 
ROCKET-SHOOTING PENIS. THAT NAUGHTY SOUTH PARK 
GUY, TREY PARKER, IS AT IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME IT'S 
ADULTS ONLY 


PLUS: DREAMBOAT BOXER OSCAR DE LA HOYA CLIMBS 
INTO THE RING WITH PLAYBOY FASHION, CRITIC LEONARD 
MALTIN TAKES OVER OUR MOVIES PAGE, PLAYMATE LAU- 
RA COVER STRUTS HER EAST COAST STUFF AND OUR 
WOMEN AT WORK PICTORIAL IS ANOTHER REASON TO 
SHOW UP FOR YOUR JOB 


* 1998 theglobe.con, 


this homepage, belonging to theglobe.com resident 
егісі18, was recently chosen as one of the top-ten 
homepages in our community. 


егіс1т8, ue'd Like to take this moment to extend 
our thanks for making our community a more 
beautiful community. 


a message to residents of wuw.theglobe.com 
your friendly full-service integrated online community 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1998. e 


18 mg “tar,” 11 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FIC method