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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


16 mg "tar? 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTE method 


© Philip Morris Inc. 1908 


Marlboro 


OK, shes finally coming 


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What are you gonna 
offer her, anice cold one? 


Dewars. 


enogears 


you better not fry... 


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INHANDER 


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PLAYBILL 


IFS ONLY NATURAL to put on weight during the holidays, so 
you'll understand if this issue is a bit heavy Just have a seat, 
feast your eyes and feed your head. We ve prepared a big 
spread that includes ice capades, X-capades, wild women and 
crazy weather. May we suggest an appetizer? To Witt: Our 
cover shot of gold-medal Olympian Katarina is by Con- 


tributing Photographer Stephen Wayda. Among skating's acro- 


bats, Katarina reigns as queen of the ice. She's also comfort- 
able sportscasting and appearing in films such as Ronin. Now 
she has posed for a Zamboni-revving pictorial, minus those 
skimpy outfits we used to pray she'd fall out of. Even the Rus- 
sian judge would score it all a ten. 

To get the party started right, we invite you to read Inside the 
Playboy Mansion, an excerpt from the forthcoming book (Gen- 
eral Publishing) by Gretchen Edgren. It's a rabbit's-eye view of a 
man-made Garden of Eden that features rare photos of the 
Bunny Dorm, Hef's round beds and curvy girlfriends, and 
the stoned Midsummer's Night Party with Cameron Diaz in a 
slinky negligee. Then, in Mansion Life, swing-time chronicler 
Bill Zehme explains why Hef is the consummate high-life host. 
Zehme, who wrote the recent book of life-advice The Way You 
Wear Your Hat: Frank Sinatra and the Lost Art of Livin”, got so im- 
mersed in all things Hef he donned pajamas for his photo. 

A Playboy Interview with David Duchovny in our Christmas 
sue: coincidence or conspiracy? As a hit movie and TV series, 
The X-Files gives voice to the paranoid futurist in all of us— 
Duchovny calls it “a cop show with paranormal phenomena.” 
He also claims the show doesn't need him now. However, 
his following of X-philes, his marriage to scrumptious Téa 
Leoni and his break-out ability, he doesn’t need the show ei- 
ther. Contributing Editor Lawrence Grobel conducts an inter- 
view that will forever rid Duchovny of his dour reputation 
You'll learn of his porn-watching habits and that at 16 he had 
a “Mrs. Robinson." Then Duchovny takes us back to Yale for a 
class with budding feminist Naomi Wolf and on to Thailand 
for an opium-inspired night of farm animal fun 

The world according to Gore: Forget aliens. Gore Vidal says 
corporate vultures (and Truman) ruined the republic. As a lit- 
erary titan who has turned history into a full-contact sport 
with his steamy novels and political views, Vidal has a better 
sense of government than most senators have. In a provoca- 
tive 20 Questions by Joseph Dumas, Vidal spanks Truman Ca- 
pote and sees the black hand of the rich humiliating the Clin- 
tons for their health care plan. We particularly like Vidal's 
response when he’s asked if he can keep a secret: 
should I, if you can't 

Ah, winter. Snow in Texas and mild, sun-filled days in Alas- 
ka. Baby, it’s weird outside. The United States has experi- 
enced years of record-breaking heat, flash floods, hurricz 
and tornadoes. In Meteorological Mayhem! Michael Parrish tracks 
the storm-clouded debate over global warming. Did you know 
that a risc in temperature of a few degrees could lead to out- 
breaks of dengue fever? It's the Weather Channel meets Fir- 
ing Line. Longtime contributor Reg Potterton had about all 
the weather one can take and still live to write about it. Reg 
left Chicago to cross churning seas in a sailboat. Racing the Sav- 
age Atlantic is the account of his harrowing endurance test 
(the painting is by Eldon Trimingham ІН). Upon his return, Reg 
told us about that swept through the boat. “We called 
it the double-ender," he says, “because it struck at both ends 
simultaneously.” 

Dead guy with a hard-on. Chinese finger trap. Anyone who 
has seen Clerks or Chasing Amy knows the influence filmmaker 
Kevin Smith has had on the cultural vernacular. Watching one 
of his low-budget films is like hanging out with your chuckle- 
head friends, without the vandalism. Next up is Smith's most 
ambitious film project, a skewering of organized religion 
called Dogma. In The Clerk, the Girl and the Corduroy Hand Job, a 


WAYDA, WITT 


GROBEL DUMAS 


TRIMINGHAM 
POTTERTON 


LABUTE 


FRIEDMAN EDWARDS 


BRODNER OATES 


CONDOR 


WIEDER 


WOOLLEY 


KRUGER 


Y, DAHM TRIPLETS, 


Playboy Profile written by Stephan Talty, you'll meet the Every- 
man of his generation in his hometown of Red Bank, New Jer- 
sey. You'll also gain insight into what drove Smith to go the 
arty route (the answer may lie in the title of the piece). 

‘There are chick flicks and dick flicks, and then there are 
movies by Neil LaBute. He snuck up on audiences in 1997 with 
his startling debut, In the Company of Men, followed this year by 
his scathing take on lust, Your Friends and Neighbors. Turns out 
he can also surprise you in print. In the Company of Men: The 
Lost Scene is a previously unpublished monolog by rac- 
ter Chad. Father may know best, but Chad's mother knows 
what boys like. “I like to explore boundaries,” says LaBute. 
"That's what PLAYBOY is all about, right?" Of course, the rules 
on exploration change when you have a mate. Long-lasting 
unions, as Bruce Jay Friedmon points out in his charmingly cyn- 
ical essay The Secrets We Keep, usually rely on a tacitly acknowl- 
edged nondisclosure pact. Don't ask, don't tell and for God's 
sake, wipe that smile off your face. Read Friedman's piece and 
commit it to memory—but don't tape it to the fridge. Maybe 
you keep slipping up. Maybe you're chained to the doghouse 
and don't care if you get out. If so, it might be time to leave 
your love behind. In a PLAYBOY quiz, Gavin Edwards asks, Are 
You Tired of Your Girlfriend? So go ahead—take the test. And 
this time try not to cheat. (Art by Steve Brodner.) 

In the holiday spirit of giving hell, sexual revenge is a 
theme in this month’s fiction. Few writers can unnerve a read- 
er like Joyce Carol Oates can. In her short story The Last Man of 
Letters (illustration by Istvän Orosz), four nubile women in the 
pul ig business scheme to give a bloated, belligerent nov- 
elist the night of his life, so to speak. Together with his broth- 
er Joel, Ethon Coen filmed such darkly comic classics as Fargo 
and The Big Lebowski. He's also а great fiction writer. № Is an 
Ancient Mariner, featuring a mistress who makes love as vigor- 
ously as a Sherwin-Williams paint mixer, is from his new col- 
lection of stories, Gates of Eden (Rob Weisbach Books/ William 
Morrow). Charles Burns did the painting. 

Shmooze the boss. Eat and drink what you can to compen- 
sate for your cheap-ass employer's failure to offer a Christmas 
bonus. Encourage the intern to dance naked. As the late Phil 
Hartman and writer Robert Crane demonstrate in their Guide to 
the Holiday Office Party, the year-end shindig is loaded with op- 
portunity. It’s business as bacchanalia—a situation ripe for a 
little satyr. (Janet Woolley did the artwork.) Another year, an- 
other season of star-studded screwups. In Celebrity Christmas 
Carols, humorist Robert S, Wieder serenades a cast that includes 
Bill Gates and Ken Starr. You'll be humming Wieder's Little 
Drummer Boy, his paean to George Michael, every time you 
hear the sound of one-handed clapping. (The illustrations are 
by Sebastian Kruger.) Speaking of beating the bushes, the afore- 
mentioned PLAYBOY historian Gretchen Edgren, Associate Photo 
Editor Patty Beaudet-Francés and Senior Art Director Chet Suski 
have scoured the heavens and gossip rags for Sex Slars 1998 
This year’s newcomers Kate Winslet and Catherine Zeta- 
Jones join perennials Cindy Crawford and Jenny McCarthy in 
our parade of pin-ups. If you're wondering where we've 
tucked Monica Lewinsky, have a look at the Forum. In Starr- 
Crossed Lovers, Senior Editor James R. Petersen has some 
words of advice for Slick Willie and Jezebel 

We're starting a new tradition this year: Playboy's Ten Best 
Dressed Men by Fashion Director Hollis Wayne. It’s not a collec- 
tion of trendoids and pretty faces—just guys with taste (think 
Howie Long and Michael Douglas). They show how to look 
good while making the rounds. You may wish to study Work 
Out Like Mike by Bob Condor of the Chicago Tribune. Tim Grover 
helped keep Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen in champi- 
onship shape, and his workout advice is just as useful for plain 
mortals. Grover has very specific tips on how to lift more ef- 
fectively and how to maximize your workout time. The Bulls 
did it six times, but we've got our own three-peat: our Play- 

s of the Month, the Dahm triplets, photographed by Con- 
tributing Photographer Richard Fegley. That's right—three 
Playmates. Who says Santa isn't real? 


It looks like Hollywood moguls aren't the 

ones with all the power anymore. Why? Because you've 
never had more control over the movies you watch at home, 
or how and when you watch them. In short, you've never 
had so many good choices at your fingertips. 

Satellite Broadcasting" gives you the best selec- 
ion of commercial-free premium movie channels on TV, some 
of which you won't find on cable. It’s TV like you've never 
experienced before, with seven channels of HBO? including 
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our vast movie selection, you can pick up DIRECTV* on the 
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Visit your local electronics retailer and ask about 
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PLAYBOY. 


vol. 45, no. 12—december 1998 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL se ЖЕ ККЕ с ЖУТ 7 
DEAR PLAYBOY... ла 3S 15 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS ................. OES i 19 

MOVIES. Seg SERE TI. LEONARD MAITIN 21 

VIDEO P RUN E sata "0% 

MUSIC ....... 28 

WIRED 32 

BOOKS N T УКУ $ 36 
MEN :...... ` ASA BABER 37 
MANTRACK ... 45 Witt Is tt 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR " 49 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM a 2 š aisia 5% 53 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID DUCHOVNY—candid conversotion . 63 
THE LAST MAN OF LETTERS—fiction . sess JOYCE CAROL OATES 82 
INSIDE THE PLAYBOY MANSION—article $ BILL ZEHME 89 
THE SECRETS WE KEEP—article........ ......... BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN 100 
WORK OUT LIKE MIKE—fitness a vus .... BOB CONDOR 104 
PHIL HARTMAN'S GUIDE TO THE HOLIDA) 

OFFICE PARTY—humor. . ..,. PHIL HARTMAN with ROBERT CRANE 106 
PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE ..... — Я т 100 
RACING THE SAVAGE ATLANTIC—odventure ................. REG POTTERTON 114 
METEOROLOGICAL MAYHEM!—article . .. ........ MICHAEL PARRISH 118 
THREE'S COMPANY—playboy’s ploymates of the month .......... erro 124 
PARTY JOKES—humor — E aor 138 
IT IS AN ANCIENT MARINER—fiction ......... ; ETHAN COEN 140 
PLAYBOY'S TEN BEST DRESSED MEN FOR 1998—foshion ..HOLLIS WAYNE 142 
IN THE COMPANY OF MEN: THE LOST SCENE eese NEILLABUTE 149 
THE CLERK, THE GIRL AND THE HAND JOB—profile. .... STEPHAN ТАТҮ 150 
SEX STARS 1988—pictorial e text by GRETCHEN EDGREN 154 
CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS CAROLS—humor .................... ROBERTS. WIEDER 164 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—cartoon ...... .. RAY LAGO and BILL SCHORR 167 
20 QUESTIONS: GORE VIDAL .... SEE haa 170 
USING THE WEB—money .. $ Р ET CHRISTOPHER BYRON 173 
FIRE & ICE—pictoriol . М ................ ex by KATARINA WITT 174 
ARE YOU TIRED OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND?—quiz F GAVIN EDWARDS 184 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ER Re ete 195) 
PLAYMATE NEWS .... oe АЗА Се СЙ E 227 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE... тетт boa 4281 Lovers’ Secrets 


COVER STORY 

Katarina Witt doesn't need to be on ice skotes to score o perfect 10. For o 
holiday treot, the Olympic gold medal winner steps off the ice and communes 
with mother nature. She didn't melt—but you might. Our cover wos produced 
by West Coast Photo Editor Morilyn Grabowski, photographed by Stephen 
Woyda ond styled by Jennifer Tutor. Kotorino's hair and makeup were styled 
by Alexis Vogel for the Fred Segal Agency. Our Robbit con'! resist o winner. 


Seen оттока En ANE UNSEEN ED EDITORIAL AND ORAPHIC MATERIAL WILL Ue TREATED AS UNCONDITIONALLY ASSIGNED FOR PUBLICATION ANO COPYRIGHT PURPOSES AND МА. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A 


PLAYBOY 


Call 1- 800: 352-0іп 
www.cuervo.com 


Cuervo Gold Tequila: 40% Alc- by Vol. (80 proof): 61998. Importad and bottled by Heublela, Inc: Herlord, CT. 
"Under censo from the Trademark Owners. 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL, 
execulive editors 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

FICTION: ALICE K. Turner editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE 
associale edilor; MODERN LIVING: рау 
STEVENS editor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; 
DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: BRUCE KLUGER, 
CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editors; BAR 
BARA NELLIS associate edilor; ALISON LUNDGREN 
junior editor; CAROL ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDEL- 
SON, HELEN FRANGOULIS. CAROL KUBALEK. KATIE 
NORRIS, HARRIET PEASE, LARA WEBB, JOYCE WIE 
canp-bavas editorial assistants; FASHION: HOL- 
Ls WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH edilor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN 
assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; 
LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAR, LISA ROBBINS, KRIS- 
TEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research li- 
brarian; ANAHEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH 
HIGAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; Jor 
CANE assistant; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA 
BABER, CHRISTOPHER BYRON, JOE DOLCE, GRETCH- 
EN EDGREN. LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS, CYN- 
THIA HEIMEL, WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, 
JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 

KERIG POPE managing direclor; BRUCE HANSEN 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; scort 
ANDERSON assistant art director; ANN SEIDL super- 
visor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assis- 
tant; JASON simons art assistant 
PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON 
managing editor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN SULLL 
VAN Sentor editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY 
BEAUDETFRANCES, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG. RICH- 
ARD IZUI, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN. POMPEO 
rosar. STEPHEN wavna contributing photogra- 
phers; GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chica- 
go; BILL WHITE studio manager—los angeles; 
SHELLER WELLS stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOL photo 
archivist 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director: RITA JOHNSON manager. 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI. TOM SIMONER associate managers; 
BARB TERIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU fypesellers; BILL 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 
‘CIRCULATION 
LARRY A DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONERAS, national sales manager; JEFF 
KIMMEL, sales development manager; JOE HOFFER 
midwest ad sales manager; IRY KORNBLAU market- 
ing director; YERRI CARROLL research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM, MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE, 
MARCIA TERRONES Tights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive 


fficer 


ААА А А А А А А А А А А А А А А А А 
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wvvvvvvvYYvYYYVYYYYY 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-849-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


AN AMERICAN ORIGINAL 
Though I do not always agree with 
him, Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan 
(Playboy Interview, September) should be 
credited for the many good things he's 
done for this country. If Congress is a 
raucous tavern, Moynihan is a bartender 
who always gives useful advice. 
John Kmeız 
Washington, D.C. 


Every time I see a picture of Moyni 
han, I think he’s either the human em- 
bodiment of a Kewpie doll, aleprechaun 
who bowled tenpins in the Catskills with 
Old Rip or a man who just stepped out 
of the musty pages of The Pickwick Papers. 
Even his name is Dickensian. I still think 
he’s all of the above, but now that I've 
read his Playboy Interview, Y know he's a 
real U.S. senator to boot. 

Zoltan Gergely 
Ithaca, New York 


As the ranking minority member of 
the Senate Finance Committee, Senator 
Moynihan decides how to spend my tax 
dollars. Yet he claims he has no exe- 
cutive abilities and that his wife keeps 
the checkbook. We need businesspeople 
to run this country, not historians and 
philosophers. 

H.A. Thompson 
Charlotte, North Carolina 


SEX IN THE FAST LANE 

PLAYBOY has always presented amus- 
ing articles about how to meet women, 
but Peter Alson's Speed Seduction (July) 
really caught my attention. It begged to 
be tested, so I picked a personal ad, 
called the number and read an excerpt 
from the article over the phone. The 
woman called me the next day, and 1 was 
eager to meet her. I couldn't believe it 
worked. She was very cute. On our date 
she revealed that she thought the mes- 
sage was strange, but nevertheless put 
my name and number on the top of her 
list. She couldn't explain why. I think 


there might be something to this sublim- 
inal stuff after all. Oh yeah—she asked 
me out again. 
Mark Diorio 
Modena, New York 


PORN PRINCESS 
Nina Hartley (Nina Hartley Is the Smart- 
est Woman in Porn, by Chip Rowe, Sep- 
tember) is not only smart, but also well 
adjusted. As a clinical psychologist, I've 
come to regard sexual dysfunction as 
routine in American women. In a cul- 
ture that considers her behavior tramp- 
like, Nina should be a poster person for 
sound mental health. She acknowledges 
normal desire in an abnormal world. 
Dr. Stephen Mason 
Laguna Niguel, California 


I'm a 43-year-old businesswoman, bi- 
sexual exhibitionist and sometime adult 
entertainer. I've been a swinger for 15 
years and a friend of Nina Hartley's for 
ten. I applaud PLAYBOY for featuring Ni- 
na in a positive light. She has helped 
many couples in the swinging commu- 
nity and she's as down to earth as she 
is sexy. 

Honey Rivers 

Irvine, Texas 


Hartley says that women will feel freer 
to say yes to sexual pleasure when men 
start honoring their nos. The trouble is, 
no doesn't always mean no. Men's in- 
ability to distinguish a disingenuous no 
from a sincere one, accompanied by the 
worry of being labeled wimps, keeps us 
thoroughly confused. A better solution? 
Women should take the initiative. When 
a woman wants to date a guy or take him 
to bed, she should simply say so. Then 
there wouldn't be any mind games. 

Jerry Boggs 
Livonia, Michigan 


Hartley claims she neyer says no to 
her husband’s requests for oral sex. The 
caveat is that the poor bastard gets a 


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mere five minutes. What bullshit. The 
guy shouldn't expect a blow job if his 
partner doesn’t fecl like it. I've been the 
recipient of at least 2500 blow jobs in the 
17 years my wife and I have been to- 
gether. Maybe a dozen took less than ten 
minutes. Most took 15 to 20 minutes. 
Some took longer. ГЇЇ have to ditch my 
Nina Hartley tapes. Now every time I 
see her in the clinch, I'll imagine a tick- 
ing watch in the background. 

Max Golden 

Greenville, North Carolina 


IT DON'T MEAN A THING 
IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT SWING 
I was delighted to read about swing, 
fashion and dance in Bob Sloan and 
Steven Guarnaccia's Swing’s the Thing 
(September). I began swing dancing two 
years ago and have been an avid fan 
since. But I don't agree that the lindy 
hop is casy to fake if your partner knows 
what she’s doing. Nothing causes more 
confusion than giving a good dancer a 
bad lead. Dance floors are becoming 
crowded with clods who think they can 
fake it. 
Nate Kenworthy 
Longmont, Colorado 


The zoot suit illustration in Swing's the 
Thing is missing something—the peaked 
lapels. The rect pleats were deep pleats, 
not wide pleats and, as I recall, the zoot 
suit was the entire outfit, not just what 
you call the racket jacket. Many of the 
items in your Jive Talk Glossary predate 
the era: boodle, copacetic, dead pigeon, 
drip, all of the terms referring to money, 
as well as brush and schnozz. 

William Stevens 
Micanopy, Florida 


LITTLE ANNIE FANNY 
Thanks for bringing back an Amer- 
ican classic. Seeing Little Annie Fanny 
(September) again after ten years was a 
treat. Ray Lago and Bill Schorr have 
kept the faith. They have reincarnated 
this country's most revered cartoon. 
David Price 
Chico, California 


1 earnestly welcome back Little Annie 
Fanny. She's the heart of pLaysoy and I 
loved her at first sight. I followed her 
from “Commercials” to “James Bomb” 
and into the Seventies with “Women's 
Lib” and “Muscles.” Annie marked the 
times for me—and did so with panache 
and hipness. 


Philip Pennington 
Oswego, Illinois 


BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT 

After seeing the Lisa Rinna pictorial 
(Melrose Mom, September), I've decided 
that the human body is beautiful. That's 
why I'm announcing to my girlfriend to- 


16 day that I'm proud of my body and my 


belly and will no longer do sit-ups or put 

down that beer. Lam man, hear me roar. 
Michael Moore 
Nashville, Tennessee 


Lisa Rinna proves that pregnant is 
beautiful. Her pictorial should make 
pregnant women feel proud and sexy. 

Donna Noble Priehs 
Palm Springs, California 


What a wonderful gift Lisa Rinna has 
shared with PLAYEOY readers. 

Harry Pitchford 111 

Lawton, Oklahoma 


My husband and 1 have always ad- 
mired the class with which PLAYBOY por- 
trays nudity. I'm sure Harry Hamlin is 
very proud of his beautiful wife, Lisa, 
but her naked body should be for his 
eyes only, not your subscribers’. Next 


time around, please do the photo shoot 
afier the baby arrives. 
Cathy Forehand 
Rincon, Georgia 


Demi Moore, eat your heart out. 
Shelby Dunny 
Knoxville, Tennessee 


CHANGING DIAPERS 
Asa Baber's “Killers in Diapers” (Men, 
September) is right on target. As a kin- 
dergarten teacher, I’m often amazed at 
the behavior I see in children as young 
as four years old. Any elementary school 
teacher can tell you that violent behavior 
often begins at a very young age. 
Karen Sweaney 
Bakersfield, California 


ical support for Baber's 
premise that violent behavior is acquired 
within the first three years of life. Recent 
research suggests that it can appear even 
earlier than that. Many studies have ex- 


amined the significant role of genetics in 
criminality. Identical twins separated at 
birth and reared in different environ- 
ments strongly resemble each other in 
many traits, even criminality. While we 
are not all doomed to follow what nature 
dictates, the influence that genes have 
on behavior can't be ignored. 

Laura Black 

Fort Smith, Arkansas 


Hooray for Asa Baber. When I saw the 
illustration accompanying this Septem- 
ber's column, I thought, Oh no, not an- 
other article blaming guns for crime. In- 
stead Asa came through with his usual 
skills using logic, not just heart. 

Woodrow Wilson 
Hope, Michigan 


CAR WRECK 
Tim Hackmar's letter about Nascar 

having no appeal north of the Mason- 
Dixon line (Dear Playboy, September) 
leads me to believe he’s been living in 
a cave. Nascar is a billion-dollar-a-year 
business, and tracks in the North sell out 
before it even rolls into town. 

John Dainus 

Fort Myers, Florida 


Hackman’s comments about Nascar 
racing show his ignorance on two lev- 
els —stock-car racing and geography. 
Perhaps he's never heard of Michigan 
International Speedway or the tracks at 
Pocono, Pennsylvania, Watkins Glen, 
New York or Loudon, New Hampshire. 
These tracks hold Busch and Winston 
Cup races, which attract hundreds of 
thousands of spectators cach year. 

Gary Hartzfeld 
Davison, Michigan 


CLASSICAL GAS 
1 was thrilled to see Leopold Froeh- 

lich’s review of the new Jussi Bjórling 

CD anthology (Music, June). Björling 

has a perfect tenor voice. 1 congratulate 

PLAYBOY for reviewing classical music. 
Joseph Arico 
Marmora, New Jersey 


THE MINIDISC, PART II 
Gary Brine’s letter about the minidisc 
(Dear Playboy, September) states that the 
isc can't replace the tape because 
it's too expensive. I’m not sure where 
he received his information, but I pur- 
chased my portable Sony MD recorder 
and player for $400. I replaced my old 
single-tray CD player with a 25-CD Op- 
tical-Ready CD player for $150. Throw 
in a $30 optical cable and I was good to 
go. It wasn't cheap, but it didn't cost 
$917—and it was worth every penny to 
get rid of those awful analog cassettes. 
Paul Silverstein 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


rince Rupert 
Edmonton 


Do we look 


INFLUENCED 


by trends? 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


TOO RUDE FOR THE TUBE? 


Comedian Robert Schimmel has been 
praised by Steve Martin and George Car- 
lin. So why hasn't he had any luck on 
TV? As he explains on his new album, 
If You Buy This CD, I Can Get This Car 
(Warner), “The last time I was on Late 
Night With Conan O'Brien 1 said, ‘1 just 
had nitrous oxide for the first time.’ My 
dentist told me, ‘Robert, you're going to 
feel a little prick in your mouth.’ And I 
said, ‘Better turn up the gas all the way 
before that starts happening.’ Haven't 
been asked back." Schimmel's take on 
sex is rough, in a winsome way. For ex- 
ample, he gave his daughter a new car. 
"When her boyfriend saw it," Schimmel 
, "he told me, ‘I wish you were my 
dad.” I said, ‘I don't, because then you'd 
be fucking your sister." The CD is worth 
picking up for the songs alone. It in- 
cludes the touching ballad Prison Love. 
which features the chorus, “It’s hard 
to relax your sphincter when you're 
crying.” We can't wait till he plays San 
Quentin. 


LEONARDO'S ENDOWMENT 


The National Italian American Foun- 
dation, an organization that doesn't get 
hung up on details, made public its plans 
to bestow this year's lifetime achieve- 
ment award on 23-year-old ladies’ man 
Leonardo DiCaprio. We hear that next 
year the foundation will examine Leo's 
career as an actor. 


GENDER GAP 


Illinois senators Richard Durbin and 
Carol Moseley-Braun want the General 
Accounting Office to find out why U.S. 
Customs agents at O'Hare International 
Airport strip-search three times as many 
women as men. We were curious. t00, 
but then realized their honest explana- 
tion may be the most obvious one: Wom- 
en have more hiding places. 


HATE NAIL 


“You scratch my back, I'll scratch your 
face off." The Respect company of San 
Francisco has launched PMS nail pol- 


ish, which changes color as the wear- 
er's mood shifis (actually, the polish re- 
sponds to hand temperature). The hue 
Vexed Violet turns into Self-Centered 
Silver, Nympho Navy morphs into 
Groaning Green and Gotta Have Choco- 
late becomes Estrogen erald. Like all 
great products, PMS nail polish has pro- 
voked complaints, this time from indig- 
nant female sales clerks in Minnesota. 
They badgered and nagged the Dayton- 
Hudson store there into dropping Pyst- 
off Purple. Made them upset. 


TOMMY GIRL 


It's appropriate that Hedwig and the 
Angry Inch is enjoying its incredible off- 
Broadway run just south of Manhattan's 
meatpacking district, a notorious trans- 


vestite hooker hangout. In the words of 


the title character, the rock musical is 
about “how a slip of a girly boy from East 
Berlin became the internationally ig- 
nored songbird barely standing before 
you.” Hedwig, played by John Cameron 
Mitchell, tells his tragic tale backed by his 
band, the Angry Inch—which is also his 
name for the nubbin of flesh he's left 
with after a botched sex-change oper- 


MICA NA 


ation. Hedwig never slips into simple 
campy drag nor lets his melancholy 
grow too maudlin. “I think of the people 
T have come upon on the road,” he says 
thoughtfully, “and the people who have 
come upon me.” Despite his physical 
shortcomings, Hedwig is the hottest 
thingic in New York. Think of John Cam- 
eron Mitchell as the best Bowie imitator 
since the Thin White Duke hit the stage 
for the Serious Moonlight World Tour. 
Soon you can judge for yourself. Recent- 
ly the principals cut a deal with New 
Line to make a Hedwig movie, which 
should allow the post-op rock star to 
grow bigger than he ever imagined 


TOTO RECALL 


Academic theories of deconstruction 
have finally reached TV land—or at least 
the other side of the rainbow. Here is a 
plot summary of The Wizard of Oz, re- 
cently published in the TV listings of 
California's Marin Independent Journal: 
Transported to a surreal landscape, a 
young girl kills the first woman that she 
meets, then teams up with three com- 
plete strangers to kill again.” 


DUSTBUSTERS 


Michael Jackson take note. Because of 
all the toxic smoke from last year's forest 
fires in Southeast Asia, there was a short- 
age of face masks in Malaysia. Two gov- 
ernment employees saved the day by 
recommending that people wear impro- 
vised devices made from brassieres. 
News reports say the bras last longer 
than regular face masks and are much 
more comfortable—especially if you rest 
your chin right above her belly button 


CHECK OUT HER WHR 


Do you know why you're attracted to 
this month's Playmate? Of course you 
do. It's her waist-to-hip ratio. Devandra 
Singh, a psychology professor at the 
University of Texas, believes a woman's 
WHR plays a key role in whether men 
find her desirable. In many cultures 
men express a preference for women 
with a WHR of 0.7 or less (that's a 96- 
inch waist and 37-inch hips, or a 28-inch 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


QUOTE 

“I just accepted 
them as a great ac- 
cessory to every out- 
fit. Who needs a 
necklace when you 
have these?"—JEN- 
NIFER LOVE HEWITT, 
STAR OF Party of Five, 
COMMENTING ON HER 
BREAST DEVELOPMENT 


SHORT ORDER 

Number of years 
that the Roman Cath- 
olic Church's doc- 
trine of papal infal- 
libility has been in 
existence: 128. 


INCOMING! 

In 1968 percent- 
age of college fresh- 
men who said the 
purpose of higher 
education is to form 
a meaningful philosophy of life: 83. 
Percentage of freshmen in 1997 who 
felt this way: 41. In 1968 percentage 
of freshmen who said a college educa- 
tion would enable them to have fi- 
nancial security: 41. Percentage of 
freshmen in 1997 who said the point 
of college is to be “financially well- 
off”: 75. 


of Christmas. 


MARCH OF THE TIN SOLDIERS 
At a Christie’s auction in London 
and New York last year, price paid 
for 50,000 toy soldiers from Malcolm 
Forbes’ collection: $846,368. 


THE BODY POLITIC 
According to researchers at Vir- 
ginia Commonwealth University, 
number of years until there are as 
many women as men holding public 
office (based on the current rate of in- 
crease): 584. 


TOWERING INFIRMO 

Tilt of the Leaning Tower of Pisa 
shortly after its initial construction in 
1173: 0.2 degrees to the north. Tilt 
after construction was completed in 
1370: 2 degrees south. Current tilt: 
5.5 degrees south, The number of 
commissions formed during this cen- 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
According to the Book of 
Answers, you'd get 364 gifts 
from your true love if you re- 
ceived all the presents men- 


tioned in the song The 12 Days 


tury to repair and sta- 
bilize the tower; 15. 


GOING TO THE 
DOGS 

Number of dogs 
that are employed 
by the U.S. armed 
forces: 1600. Num- 
ber employed by the 
Customs Service: 
450. Number (all 
beagles) employed 
by the Department 
of Agriculture: 50. 
By the Secret Ser- 
{ vice: 35. CIA: 7. 


DHARMA SUMS 

Value of Jack Ker- 
ouac's estate at the 
time of his death in 
1969: $91. Estimated 
value of the estate to- 
day: $10 million. 


PISS POOR PLANNING 
Number of pavilions in the $1 bil- 
lion Getty Museum in Los Angeles: 3. 
Number of restrooms: 2. 


BOOM AND BLOCKBUSTER 

Revenue of Blockbuster Video last 
year: $2.6 billion. Total revenues of 
the next four leading video chains: 
$1.1 billion. Percentage of video mar- 
ket controlled by Blockbuster: 25. 
Percentage decrease of total video 
rentals last year: 4. 


EVERY LITTLE BIT HURTS 
Number of mosquito bites required 
to drain the blood from a human be- 
ing: 2.8 million. 


WHEEL TOUGH GUYS 
Percentage of licensed drivers in 
the U.S. who are men: 51. Percentage 
of fatal car accidents in which men 
were driving: 74. 


A CREDIT TO THE NATION 
According to the Consumer Feder- 
ation of America, number of credit 
cards with continuing debt balances 
of $7000 or more: 55 million to 60 
million. Average annual interest on 
these cards: $1000. — PAUL ENGLEMAN 


waist and 40-inch hips). Women with 
measurements such as these have a pear 
shape, which the primitive part of a 
guy's brain interprets as a sign of health 
and fertility. A study of 10,000 women 
found that their average WHR was the 
same as that of a Barbie doll—0.7 on the 
nose. The Venus de Milo measures in at 
0.68. Marilyn Monroe was a 0.66. And 
the average Playmate (36-23-35) couldn't 
be more fertile, at 0.657. 


BACH TO THE FUTURE 


The sex changes but the songs remain 
the same. Wendy Carlos will rerelease 
the recordings of Walter Carlos, who 
sold more than a million copies of the 
1968 Bach-side-of-the-Moog synthesiz- 
er project Switched-On Bach. Sometime 
between 1968 and now, Walter became 
Wendy. She's still working on her organs 
and next year will put out the Carlos 
compilation aptly titled Switched-On Box. 


BRIT GRIT 


The English really do have a better 
grasp of the mudder tongue. Cover Mag- 
azine points out that the Oxford English 
Dictionary contains more than 300 words 
for mud (consider the climate). Blash is 
liquid mud. Clart is sticky dirt or mud. 
Cod is mud with shells taken from the 
bottom of ariver. Gumbo is prairie mud. 
Moya is volcanic mud. Putty is sticky 
underwater mud. Riley is thick, turbid 
mud. Slumgullion is muddy deposit in a 
mining sluice and stabble is liquid mud 
caused by continual foot traffic. 


SEA OF LOVE 


105 not the size of the ship, it’s how 
you hit the iceberg. A report published 
in Journal of Urology shows that the clit- 
oris is much larger than previously 
thought. According to Australian re- 
searcher Helen O'Connell of Royal Mel- 
bourne Hospital, current anatomy books 
don’t illustrate the true extent of the or- 
gan, which reaches three and a halfinch- 
es inside a woman's body. "Sometimes 
the whole structure is drawn as a dot,” 
she said. “They draw the tip of the ice- 
berg but not the iceberg.” They often 
leave out the seals and the penguins, too. 


CAGED BIRDS DO SING 


The various regional governments in 
Spain and the accredited national fla- 
menco clubs ran a contest to find the 
best flamenco singer incarcerated in the 
Spanish prison system. One hundred 
fifty inmates sent in demos, and 30 final- 
ists were chosen. The winners were José 
Serrano, a convicted murderer who had 
served 18 years of a 25-year sentence, 
and Antonio El Agujetas, who had 
served 12 years of a 15-year drug rap. 
Now on provisional parole, the two cut 
an album called Tivo Cries of Freedom, re- 
cently released here on ROIR World. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


A Jaguar XK8 and a Range Rover 4.6SE!! 

A Month in Palm Beach Plus Airfare!!! 
Enough Champagne for 25 Baths!! 

A Year's Supply of Bon Bons!!! AND MORE! 


Take The Prize Package Or Take 


$300,000 Cash! 


©1998 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. 


oc 


Store Near,You! 


Tasty 

missing name and address or on whch the 
‘ceification box has not been fully completed (including 
entrant's signature) wil not be corsidered eligbie. Mall 
‘the form to Camel Cash Mighty Tasty Lifestyles 
‘Sweepstakes, PO Box 7055, Norwood, MN 555837055. 
Kis not necessary to order Camel Cash merchandise lo 
enter the sweepstakes. To enter without an order/enby 
form. hand pint your name. address, су, state, пр code, 
‘daytime phone number and birthdate on a 3° x 5” card. 
along with the following statements: “I сепйу that t am a 
‘Stoke, that ат 21 years of age or older, and that I 
‘want to receive offers, premiums, coupons, or free 
cigarettes that may be sent to me in the mall 1 
‘understand thal giang false information in order to accept 
These offers may constitute а койюп of taw.” Be sure to 
эл the card, write in your binhdate and send it to 
Camel Cash Mighty Tasty Lifestyles Sweepstakes, Р.О. 
Box 5780, Norwood, MN 55583-5780. Al entes must 
be legible, must contain al required information and must 
be postmarked by 3/31/00 to Ье entered in the 
sweepstakes, Al entries must be mailed via U. S. Postal 
Service fst class тей (no express, registered or села 
тай accepted). Participants must pay postege when 
submitting entries. Procl of mading does not constitute 
proot of delivery. 
2. You may enter as often as you wish but each erty 
must be maled seporälch. No mechanical reproduced 
entries wil be accepted. RJ. Reynolds Tobacco Company 
is the Sponsor ofthis promotion. Sponsor is not 
responsible or lost, late, postage due, misdirected, or 
slow-delvered тай, Al entes become the exclusive 
property of Sponsor and will not be returned. Incomplete, 
жерше or rutlated entes are ineligbie Sponsor wil 
not acknowledge recept of or confirm ekgblty or 
тпенёыму of any entis) nor retum any meigbie entries 
Sweepstakes participation 1s restrted to smokers 21 
years ol age or older who are US. residens. except 


and regions 
MM VA! eh petty lw Pe sey 
limite о United States опу. 
3. There wil be 4 Grand Prize Winners. Winners wil be 
eternined by a random drawing from ай entis received. 
Tro drawing wil be heid on or about May 31. 1999 by an 
independent judging organization whose decisions are 
final on al matters тези to tnis prometio. Odds of 
winning depend upon the number of eiie entries 
received. Appramsterumber of entes Bst: 14 
mation. 
4, Prizes 
rend Prizes: Eseh Grand prize consists ol a choice ol one 
ofthe folowing Heste prize packages or the cash 
equivalent of $300 000.* Total approximate reta value 
of all prizes: $1,200,000. 
PRIZE DESCRIPTIONS: 
Lotto Winer: PAzeARV*) Airstream Tate (540,000), 
Monster Bronco ($45,000), Satelite ish w/ mstahation 
($688), Satelite TV service for one year (51.200) 
Industrial barbecue gl (54.000), Above ground swimming 
pool (53.989). Riding lawnmower (512.670), Retrgerator 
(81.299), One years supply of pork nnas ($548), $1,000 
taxidermy gh cercate ($1,000), Cash (5189.516) 
Total approximate reta value of prize: $3 
Hollywood Star Prize (ARV*) Cigarette boat ($150,000). 
Dodge Viper (873.000). Astrology chart for 1 year 
183.120) Майа home rental for 3 months including 
ave or 3 ros to Mau for 2 (529.675), УР Treatment 
at a trendy nihtitub for 1 week ($25,000), Анага show 
агае ($20,000), 1 year's supply of hair ge ($1051 4 
cell phones (53,400). Wat ($5,500). Total approximate 
etal value of prize: $300,000 
‘Wat Lawyer: Prize (ARV")- Mercedes SL600 ($135,845) 
a careers worth of legal pads 1, 
paper shredder ($1 895), Солдо in 
for 2 weeks in 
(59.700). 200% 
pinsinped suns (57. 
Suburban Gold Digger: Pre ARV") Jaguar KE 
575.280). Range Rover А GSE ($65,125). 1 years suppl 
cof bon bons ($700), Tanning bed (82.500), Champagne 
tor 25 baths (837.500, 1 years supply of det coa 
($364), Condo fr 1 mont Palm Beach, Fonda 
сид trave! to Pam Beach for 2 ($13 000, Cash 
(8105.33) Total aporownate value of prae: 5300. 
“ARV Approsmate Reta Val 


). Cash ($135, 
300.000. 


Automobil as Prive 
acceptance. Registration. he. icensing fees 

Insurance costs applicable are solely the re 

ol the winners. Prize winners do not have ch 

color oF options. 

Travel as Prize 

Travel must be completed by May 31. Restrictions 
and blackout dates may apply. Accommodations are 
subject Yo avabiiy and change without notice. Tap 


ee neri aay те! din 
‘ot winners. Al air transportation мі Бе roundtnp coach. 
unless otherwise specified herein, fom airport nearest 
‘winner's home location. The difference between any 
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Winners. In Me event of cancellation by winner, the ability 
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5. Provisional prize winners wil be notified by тай by 
6/30/99 and wit be required to sign and return ANGEL 
of Bighilny/Liabilty and Pubsciy release within 20 days 
‘of delivery. Noncompliance within this time period or 
return of any prize/prize notification as undeliverable or 
refused may result in disqualification and an altemate 
winner may be selected. Provisional prize winners are 
subject to age verification. АЛ federal, state and local 
income and other але, Kcenses, fees and insurance в 
the responsibly of the winners. No subetitution, 
transfer of prizes, or election of cash in вем cf prizes will 
be permitted except at sole discretion of Sponsor or as 
speciical set forth herein, One prae per household or 
amy. Sponsor reserves the righ to substitute a prae of 
eater or equal valve п the pre chosen is not avaiable 
Any prize maybe ewarded in gih сепйкайе ог cash sums 
sole discretion. AI pazes willbe awarded 
filed 1999, except for rave, which may 


g мяло таан 
and announcement of winners, contaming, 
‘outside authonzed, legimate channels are automaticaly 
void: and the Katy ol Sponsor, f any. is limited to me 
replacement of such materials and recipient agrees to 
release Sponsor, ns parent. the judging organization and 
ther respects officers, drectors employees and agents 
dom any and әй losses, clams, or damages that may 
prae. winners agree to gran RJ 
утрау the right 10 use hor names 
мей by law. By aming a paze. winners 
that RJ, Reynokss Tobacco О Wer 
fies. üneciors and оф organization shall hare пе 
damages ol any hnd 
y acceptance. possess 
рәпкэрароп in or vse о any prize. 
opes с! Андаи of ENG Release ol 
‚Pie Acceptance Form or he names of. 
prae winners (avadabie after B/1/99 
selladeressed stamped envelope to Camel's Mighty 
testes Winners Unt, Р O. Bon 5034, Horwood, Mit 
555835780. indicate “At 
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end a separate 


mars that identify the 
лме Wade 
A Promotional Costs Paid By Manuta 


Боа by Ru, nejnalás йы 
Salem. NC 27102 


MOVIES 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


WHAT YOU THINK of Beloved (Buena Vista) 
will depend on your misery threshold. 
This very long, deeply emotional adap- 
tation of Toni Morrison's novel about a 
woman's battle with the world, with an- 
gry spirits and with herself is not what 
you'd call fun. Nor is it particularly en- 
lightening, because instead of illuminat- 
ing a universal truth about slavery and 
mistreatment, it deals with a woman 
whose determination to protect her chil- 
dren drives her to ghastly extremes and 
a mystical aftermath that haunts her the 
rest of her life. “Your love is too thick,” 
Danny Glover tells Oprah Winfrey, and 
the adjective might apply to the film as 
well. Winfrey (whose company pro- 
duced the film) is effective in the leading 
role, and Glover is typically charismatic 
as a man who comes back into her life af- 
ter 18 years. Kimberly Elise and Than- 
die Newton are fine, as well. But Jona- 
than Demme's languorous approach to 
the script—credited to three different 
writers—makes this a long wallow. Wom- 
en may respond more than men to this 
deeply felt story, but its air of suffering 
and mumbo jumbo turned me off. ¥¥ 


Movie buffs know the name James 
Whale, the director responsible for such 
gems as Frankenstein, Bride of Franken- 
stein, The Old Dark House and The Invisible 
Man in the Thirties. By the Fifties he was 
a forgotten man, and it is during this pe- 
riod that we meet in Bill Condon's 
exceptional film Gods and Monsters (Lio! 


A movie's titles set the mood and get 
a film off on the right foot. But for 
some time, imaginative main title se- 
quences were out of fashion. Now 
they're back, in a big way. 

Pablo Ferro, for one, kept making 


WHAT'S UP FRONT T COUNTS 


an impact throughout the lean years. 
Famous for the distinctive lettering 
styles and concepts of Dr. Strangelove, 
Bullitt and other Sixties hits, he also 
developed the innovative multiple- 
screen and rapid-cutting devices inte- 
grated into such movies as Midnight 
Cowboy and The Thomas Crown Affair. 
He recently designed the titles for As 
Good as It Gets, L.A. Confidential and 
Men in Black, with razor-thin lettering 
reminiscent of the simple style of Dr. 
Strangelove. 

Ferro has adapted to the computer 
but still does “hand stuff, because a 


Stone and Culkin: A mighty family unit. 


Mangled mysticism, 
life-affirming drama and 
a good idea gone bad. 


Gate). This isn't a film about a director, 
nor even about horror movies, however. 
It's a character study of an older man— 
played by lan McKellen—who's begin- 
ning to hallucinate about his past. Into 
his tranquil but lonely life comes a burly 
gardener (Brendan Fraser) who catches 
his eye and stirs his homosexual yearn- 
ings. (His perpetually frowning but pro- 
tective housekeeper, wonderfully played 


computer is so perfect that some of it 
doesn't work—it's too stiff." 

You'll see the names Balsmeyer and 
Everett on many films—including ten 
by Spike Lee (among them Jungle Fever 
and He Got Game) and five by the Co- 
en Brothers 
(Fargo, The Big 
Lebowski). 
“These direc- 
tors really think about what a title se- 
quence can be, and they're really fun 
to collaborate with,” says Randy Bals- 
meyer, who works with his wife, Mimi 
Everett. 

Usually, a project requires “three to 
six months of talking, thinking and do- 
ing,” but last year Balsmeyer had to 
conceive and execute the title for Mar- 
tin Scorsese’s Kundun in one week. 

Balsmeyer and Everett were step- 
ping into big shoes, since Scorsese's re- 
cent films had titles by the late Saul 
Bass, who virtually invented modern 
graphics with his work for Otto Prem- 


by Lynn Redgrave, doesn't approve.) 
Gods and Monsters will be too quiet and 
slow for some, but it's a film of singular 
intelligence and nuance. Film buffs will 
love it for that. УУУУ» 


Slam (Trimark) is one of those rare 
films that restore your faith in movies’ 
ability to lift the human spirit. An award 
winner at Sundance and Cannes this 
year, it follows a young man from the 
ghetto of southeast D.C. into prison, 
where he meets a woman who inspires 
(and enables) him to channel his natural 
talent for writing. The emotions are raw 
and honest, the filmmaking technique 
one of probing, in-your-face report- 
age—as if what we're watching is real 
Bravo to writer and director Marc Lev- 
in and leading actors Saul Williams and 
Sonja Sohn, who also contributed to 
the screenplay. They have done them- 
selvi and the cause of American film— 
proud. УУЗУ; 


Apt Pupil (TriStar) is a disappointing 
film, like so many based on Stephen 
King stories. But this one is more disap- 
pointing than most because it starts out 
so well and offers such a juicy premise: 
A high school boy, having studied the 
Holocaust, discovers a Nazi war criminal 
living nearby and decides to interview 
him. The two leads are terrific: Brad 
Renfro is completely believable as the 
boy whose dark side overtakes him as he 
plunges into his project, and lan Mc- 
Kellen resists the opportunity to overact 


inger (The Man With the Golden Arm) 
and Alfred Hitchcock (Psycho, Vertigo 
and North by Northwest). 

Kyle Cooper, who has a master's in 
graphic design from Yale University, 
knew from the first time he saw one of 
Bass' titles that this was what he want- 
ed to do. He and two partners formed 
their company, Imaginary Forces, sev- 
eral years ago. Among Cooper's recent 
credits: Mission: Impossible, The Horse 
Whisperer, The Mask of Zorro and the 
memorable title sequence for Seven. 

“Sometimes people say, ‘We don't 
want the title sequence to overshadow 
the first scene,’ but I think the title se- 
quence should be the first scene,” says 
Cooper. On Seven, director David 
Fincher “wanted this kind of frighten- 
ing foreshadowing. He said, ‘Right off 
the bat, I want to tell the people who 
have come to see Brad Pitt from Leg- 
ends of the Fall and Morgan Freeman 
from Driving Miss Daisy that they're in 
the wrong theater.’” —LM. 


21 


22 


McGiilis: Back in action. 


OFF CAMERA 


"It's not like Гуе stopped acting 
completely,” says Kelly McGillis. 

If you're wondering what's be- 
come of Tom Cruise's leading lady 
in Top Gun and Harrison Ford’s 
Amish dance partner in Witness, 
she has been raising two children, 
running a restaurant (Kelly's Ca- 
ribbean Bar) in Key West, doing 
some television and acting at the 
Shakespeare Theater in Washing- 
ton, D.C. But now that her kids 
are in school, she's willing and able 
to work in movies again. At First 
Sight cast Kelly as Val Kilmer's pro- 
tective sister—a reunion for the 
co-stars of Top Gun, who both stud- 
ied acting at Juilliard long before 
movies and fame came their way. 

“I have an extreme love-hate 
relationship with visibility and 
fame,” she says. “1 am passionate- 
ly in love with acting, but 1 am al- 
so passionate about being private 
and being allowed to move about 
freely with my kids, 
er person in the wor 

Still, she’s pragmatic enough to 
know that fame buys her the abili- 
ty to pursue her first love—acting 
onstage—and take good parts in 
small, independent films. 

We'll be seeing a lot of McGillis 
on film. She has finished Over the 
Edge, in which she plays a guilt- 
ridden policewoman; The Settle- 
ment, which allowed her to have 
fun playing “trailer trash”; and 
Painted Angels, a Western drama 
that casts her as a prostitute trying 
to raise a son. She has begun Mor- 
gan's Ferry, opposite Billy Zane, in 
which she's a tough farm woman 
threatened by a trio of ex-convicts. 

But the memory of Top Gun lin- 
gers on. “A lot of people come into 
my restaurant and ask me where 
‘Tom is!” she says with a laugh. 
“It's amazing." LM. 


ina showy part. The crafismanship of di- 
rector Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects) 
can't be faulted, but the movie gets ugli- 
er as it goes along and doesn’t know 
when to quit. ¥/2 


Life Is Beautiful (Miramax) won the 
Grand Jury Prize at Cannes this year, 
and it's easy to see why: It's a striking 
and original piece of work, co-written, 
directed by and starring the popular 
Italian comedian Roberto Benigni. He 
calls it a fable, covering the years 1939 to 
1945, and it is the story of a man whose 
irrepressible spirit is such that when he 
and his son are taken off to a concen- 
tration camp, he refuses to surrender to 
its horrors. Instead, he determines to 
shield his four-year-old from the grim 
reality surrounding them by turning the 
experience into a giant game. This is 
a difficult film to describe, because it 
sounds impossible to pull off—but Be- 
nigni does it. It is a remarkable achieve- 
ment—funny, endearing, humanistic, al- 
together winning. УУУУ; 


When was the last time you had a 
good cry? If it has been a while, you 
owe yourself the experience of seeing 
The Mighty (Miramax), a wonderful film 
based on the novel Freak the Mighty, by 
Rodman Philbrick, and adapted by 
Charles Leavitt. This film cements direc- 
tor Peter Chelsom's reputation as one of 
our few modern-day poets, a man who 
isn't afraid to find heart, and hope, and 
even surrealistic images in the every- 
day, as he has before in Hear My Song 
and Funny Bones. This is the story of an 
outcast boy (Elden Henson), so big and 
dumb he's constantly taunted by his 
schoolmates, who strikes up an unlikely 
friendship with his new neighbor, a se- 
verely disabled but whip-smart kid (Kier- 
an Culkin). As a team, with the little one 
hoisted on his big friend's shoulders, 
they become invincible, like the knights 
of yore they read about, and whose ex- 
ploits they emulate in working-class 
Cincinnati. Sharon Stone plays Culkin's 
mother, Gillian Anderson a tart criminal 
moll, and Gena Rowlands and Harry 
Dean Stanton are Henson's grandparent 
guardians. They may help draw audi- 
ences to The Mighty, but it's the boys that 
you'll respond to and remember. ¥¥¥/2 


The buzz about Waking Ned Devine (Fox 
Searchlight) is that it’s the next Full Mon- 
ty. If only. But itis an enjoyable blarney- 
soaked fable about a quirky Irish village 
(is there any other kind?), in which ras- 
cally lan Bannen tries to figure out 
which of his 52 neighbors has won the 
national lottery. To tell more would spoil 
what surprises the film has in store. The 
vhimsy is more than a bit contrived, but 
it's pleasant to watch. ¥¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Apt Pupil (See review) A boy discovers 
a Nazi war criminal living in his 
hometown; another Stephen King 
story gone wrong on-screen. Wa 
Bad Manners (11/98) Fine performanc- 
es by Saul Rubinek, Bonnie Bedelia, 
David Strathairn and Caroleen Fee- 
ney distinguish this comedy-drama 
about four academics who spend a 
long weekend at one another's 
throats. wy 
Beloved (See review) If the mumbo 
doesn't get you, the jumbo will. YY 
Clay Pigeons (11/98) Vince Vaughn is 
the mysterious stranger and Janeane 
Garofalo an FBI agent in this sexy 
murder yarn that's perhaps too clev- 
er for its own good. узу; 
54 (Listing only) A dreary, disap- 
pointing portrait of Manhattan hot- 
spot Studio 54—but Mike Myers is a 
standout as owner Steve Rubell. УУ 
Gods and Monsters (See review) lan 
McKellen is perfect as aging movie 
director James Whale in this elegi- 
ac film. ¥¥¥/2 
Happiness (Listing only) Todd So- 
londz' brilliant, mordantly funny 
look at unfulfilled people searching 
for satisfaction isn't for everyone, but 
his characters (a guilt-ridden pedo- 
phile, a stifled telephone stalker, a 
boy trying to masturbate) are star- 
uingly real. LUZ 
The Impostors (11/98) Stanley Tucci 
and Oliver Platt lead a wonderful cast. 
through the paces of an old-fash- 
ioned farce. Wy 
life Is Beautiful (See review) Italian co- 
median-filmmaker Roberto Benigni's 
unique and moving fable about a 
man’s refusal to be destroyed by the 
Nazis. LL 
The Mighty (Sec review) Two young 
misfits find strength and courage in 
each other in Peter Chelsom's love- 
ly film. vuv); 
One True Thing (Listing only) Meryl 
Streep is luminous, Renée Zellweger 
and William Hurt are ideal in this 
heartfelt drama about a daughter 
who is forced to come to terms with 
her parents. Ya 
Orgazmo (11/98) Those bad boys of 
South Park take on the porn movie in- 
dustry in a funny comedy. EA 
Slam (See review) A highly charged 
story of a young man who uses poet- 
ry to transcend ghetto life. Wr 
Woking Ned Devine (Sce review) The 
Irish blarney on a bit thick in 
this fun story of a tiny village caught 
up in lottery fever. wu 


УУУУ Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


ae 


looking for a nice date movie? 
then buy that other james cameron flick. 


> B 


available wherever videos are sold. 


VIDEO 


“Lown tons of mov- 
ies," says leading 
man Jimmy Smits. 
"I'm a member of 
the Motion Picture 
Academy, which 
sends me tapes all 
the time.” Even 
before he got the 
freebies, Smits 
was an avid col- 
lector. “I love Spen- 
cer Tracy-Katharine Hepburn films. And | 
like the Jimmy Cagney genre, too—all 
those tough-guy movies.” Smits is partial 
to standout performances. “I'll watch Lion 
in Winter over and over, simply for the act- 
ing. That and To Kill a Mockingbird. But | 
don't mind laughing every now and then, 
either. Toy Story is a riot to me.” New films 
on Jimmy's A-list include The Apostle and 
Good Will Hunting. “| just love it when little 
movies kick the blockbusters in the ass.” 
Don't we all? SUSAN KARLIN 


VIDBITS 


Has Saving Private Ryan enlisted a whole 
new army of World War II buffs? Rhino 
Home Video hopes so—witness its digi- 
tally remastered, seven-volume boxed 
set of Frank Capra's Why We Fight series 
($39.95). Working within the govern- 
ment's propaganda campaign, Capra 
(an Army Signal Corps major) called on 
Walter and John Huston, Walt Disney 
and a handful of studios to help him ex- 
plain to new doughboys why they were 
shipping out. The result is a compel- 
ling chronicle—with newsreels, official 
footage and captured enemy film—that 
shows the true power of moviemaking. 
Call 800-432-0020. 


BIG SCREEN, LITTLE SCREEN 


Perhaps in desperation, Hollywood has 
rediscovered TV series of the Sixties and 
Seventies. Rerun favorites getting the 
big-screen treatment this year are The 
A-Team, My Favorite Martian, Green Acres 
and Gilligan's Island. Their predecessors 
include: 

The Brady Bunch Movie (1995): Part spoof, 
part homage, this gem skillfully brings 
the incorruptible Bradys into the Ninc- 
ties. “Put on your Sunday best, kids, 
we're going to Sears!” And they do. 

The Addams Family (1991): It’s creepy and, 
well, one of the best TV-to-movie trans- 
fers ever, thanks to Raul Julia and An- 
jelica Huston as Gomez and Morticia. 
Thing deserves a hand, too. 

The Untouchables (1987): Kevin Costner 


24 steps into the gumshoes of TV's Robert 


Stack as G-man Eliot Ness, combating no 
less than Al Capone (Robert De Niro). 
Sean Connery's earthy sidekick earned 
him his only Oscar. 

The Flintstones (1994): Cranky critics who 
didn't like this movie had rocks in their 
heads. Performances shine—from John 
Goodman's lumbering Fred to Dino's 
perfect yap. Only Liz Taylor (as Wilma's 
mother) is yabba-dabba-doo-doo. 
Batman (1989): Keaton’s cool crusader 
and Nicholson's Joker save Tim Burton's 
dark Gotham City spin. But we still pre- 
fer the hokey 1966 series. Ka-pow! 

The Fugitive (1993): The TV show had 
smarts, but the big screen brings bigger 
action—with Harrison Ford on the lam 
(watch out for that train!) and Oscar- 
ner Tommy Lee Jones in hot pursuit 
ion: Impossible (1996): In De Palma's 
slick affair, a bungee-bouncing Tom 
Cruise and able supporting cast keep 
faithful to the TV show's claim to fame: 
an utterly confusing plotline. 

The Gong Show Movie (1980): Yes, they 
made a movie of this amateur-talent 
game show, where being bad got you 
gonged off the stage. The Unknown 
Comic performs with a bag over his 
head. Which is how paying audiences 
lefi the theater, —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


Warner/lmage's concurrent wide-screen 
laser releases of Excalibur (1981, $40) and 
Camelot (1967, $50) make for a rousing 
tale of the tapes. Excalibur's Arthur (Ni- 
gel Terry) is a wash compared with Cam- 


_ X-RATED _ 
VIDEOS OF 


The prince of pretty 
porn, Andrew Blake, 
returns with a lusty 
double feature: De- 
liriovs and Wer (Stu- 

dio A Entertainment). 
Bridging the gap be- 
tween X and R, Blake cel- 
ebrates fetishism with 
beautiful “silicone-free” 
women. Both films 
feature primarily girl- 

girl action. But what 
they lack in the old 
in-out they make up 

for with jaw-dropping 
beauty. To order the videos, go 
to www.andrewblake.com. 


elot's Arthur (Richard Harris), though 
Terry looks more like he needs one. As 
for Lady Guenevere, Excalibur wins 
swords-down, with Cherie Lunghi out- 
smoldering Vanessa Redgrave. Camelot 
takes soundtrack honors, with Lerner 
and Loewe's songs decking Excalibur's 
bland music. Camelot's making-of fea- 
turettes go head-to-head with Excalibur's 
superior cinematography. And at 181 of- 
ten leaden minutes, Camelot is more of 
an imposing epic than the 140-minute 
Excalibur. Either way, plan to make a 
knight of it. —GREGORY P FAGAN 


Deep Impact (good, decent folk prep for postapocolypse as 
big-ass comet zeros in; last summer's gentler doom fl 


Black Dog (ex-con trucker runs guns to save ki 
Swayze is perfect—if you know what we meon]. 


| 
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boss gets offed; B. Bob Thornton soves otherwise silly coper), 


Potrick 


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DVD action so hard-core 
we hesitate to call it software. 


available wherever DVDs are sold. 
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R&B 


JUSTAS Aretha Franklin was crucial to the 
explosion of soul music in the Sixties, 
Mary J. Blige is essential to its current 
rebirth. Her early Nineties debut, What's 
the 41 17, gave rise to a new wave of R&B 
singers. One look at the charts shows 
R&B's commercial power. What's debat- 
able is the quality of the current music. 
With the exceptions of Babyface and 
R. Kelly, most of the songwriting is face- 
less, repetitive and slavishly derivative of 
earlier hits. That's why live albums are 
so rare in contemporary black music. So 
Blige's The Tour (MCA) puts her in the 
vanguard. These 24 tracks comprise ma- 
terial from her three studio albums plus 
Not Gon’ Cry from the Waiting to Exhale 
soundtrack and some inspired covers 
(Mary Jane, Misty Blue). Blige isn’t a pol- 
ished stylist, but she packs real emotion 
into her singing. On material like the 
self-penned My Life and Seven Days, Blige 
slices into the lyrics with a trademark 
tartness. When she leans into a song, 
there's little room for sentimentalit 

Gerald Levert is something ofa bridge 
artist. As son of the O'Jays’ Eddie Levert, 
he connects the world of Seventies soul 
with the current R&B scene. I hope his 
current solo project, Love & Consequences 
(East/West), brings him a wider audi- 
ence. Instead of demanding things from 
his mate in his material, Levert explains 
(No Im Not to Blame, Point the Finger) and 
understands (It's Your Turn, Men Like Us). 
A wonderful duet with Mary |. Blige 
on the Bobby Womack standard That's 
the Way I Feel About You underscores Le- 
vert's sensitivity. —NELSON GEORGE 


Most collections of outtakes and rari- 
ues by famous artists document interest- 
ing failures, brilliant but incomplete 
song fragments and demo material. It's a 
tribute to the diversity of Motown that 
almost every song on Motown Sings Mo- 
town Treasures: The Ultimate Rorities Collec- 
tion No. 1 could have been a hit single. 
Berry Gordy encouraged his in-house 
teams of writers, producers and per- 
formers to compete with one another to 
determine which version would get the 
nod. The Supremes, the Temptations 
and Stevie Wonder might record the 
same song, often with different tempos 
and arrangements. How would a young 
Stevie Wonder handle / Hear a Sym- 
phony? Or imagine the Supremes, rath- 
er than Martha and the Vandellas, tack- 
ling In My Lonely Room. Those gems are 
among the 21 great tracks (18 of them 
have never been ed) that make this 
the soul music equivalent of discovering 
the contents of King Tut's tomb. Marvin 
Gaye and Cladys Knight had hits with 7 
Heard It Through the Grapevine, but the 


28 version by Smokey Robinson and the 


Oh Blige: The Tour. 


Mary J., 
Motown outtakes and 
Earl Scruggs’ baby boy. 


Miracles is in the same league. Other 
highlights include the Jackson 5 ripping 
into Robinson's You've Really Got a Hold 
On Me, while David Ruffin brings ma- 
ture passion 10 / Want You Back. Kim Wes- 
ton does a slow-burn version of Stop! In 
the Name of Love that transforms the up- 
tempo Supremes hit into a torchy ballad. 
Gladys Knight and the Pips do a steamy, 
funked-up /'m Gonna Make You Love Me 
that easily rivals Diana Ross’. In the end, 
Gordy’s crossover instincts usually led 
him to choose the smoother takes. But 
the runners-up are terrific 

— VIC GARBARINI 


ROCK 


Seventies bands have influenced to- 
day's music, so it’s about time that Seat- 
tle's Heart, fronted by the Wilson sisters, 
got some respect. If Joni Mitchell was 
the female Dylan, Heart was the female 
Led Zeppelin. Like Zep, Heart com- 
bined light and shade, acoustic intros 
and monster о create melodic and 
kick-ass rock and roll. Greatest Hits (Epic/ 
Legacy) collects Magic Man, Crazy on You, 
Straight On and 14 other remastered ver- 


sions of their material. Barracuda's riff 


could have come from a Soundgarden 
album, and they do a respectable version 
of Aaron Neville's Tell It Like It Is. That's 
some range. VIC GARBARINI 


On Amy Rigby's Middlescence (Koch) 
she sings about feeling sexy after passing 


the baby-making years. The former mod 
housewife (who laid out that story on 
1996's Diary of a Mod Housewife) sets that 
age at 35. “I'm who I used to be/But no- 
body sees me,” she sings in Invisible, and 
judging from the way she sounds, that’s 
a shame. Rigby sings her tuneful folk- 
rock with the kind of heart that prom 
es tenderness to a guy who can commu- 
nicate with the lights on. She’s smart, 
sane, unpretentious, funny and a lit- 
tle wild sometimes. She's not rolling in 
dough (or child care cither), but she 
doesn't expect you to make up the dif- 
ference by yourself. "What's the differ- 
ence between a drummer and a U.S. 


¿ Savings Bond?” she joshes. “One will 
| eventually mature and earn money.” But 


tonight she’s going to Give the Drummer 
Some anyway. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


FOLK 


On Hell Among the Yearlings (Almo), 
Gillian Welch rediscovers everything she 
needs to know about Appalachian folk 
music. She has added some contempo- 
rary hues that fit right in with the eerie 
melancholia that inspired it. Caleb Meyer 
tells the story of an attempted rape, 
thwarted only because the narrator slic- 
es Meyer's neck with a broken bottle. 
“Then 1 felt his blood/Pour fast and 
hot/Around me where 1 laid." A catchy 
melody with a nice guitar hook, but you 
don't feel like singing along. Welch's 
lyrics concern people hellbent on trage- 
dy, pushed along by lust for the wrong 
man (The Devil Had a Hold of Me), by a 
drug addiction that isn't fun anymore 
(My Morphine) or by the dark side of cap- 
italism in the coal mines (Miner’s Re- 
frain). She knows how to sing in a spare 
style, maintaining an authentic humili- 
ty. The guitars—hers and collaborator 
David Rawlings'—have an unobtrusive 
resonance that will remind you that hu- 
man beings did a pretty good job enter- 
taining themselves before electricity. 

Hugh Blumenfeld sings contempo- 
rary folk on Rocket Science (Prime). The 
songs shift drastically from microscopic 
introspection to telescopic social com- 
mentary. І especially approve of Long- 
haired Radical Socialist Jew, a contempo- 
rary gospel tune that reclaims Jesus as 
an advocate of free school lunches and 
socialized medicine. ‘The left could use 
a new anthem, and 1, for one, will be 
singing along. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


COUNTRY 


On his first solo album, Crown of Jewels 
(Reprise), veteran Nashville producer 
Randy Scruggs wasn't quite confident 
enough to carry the load alone, so he 


ster US LLC New York, NY. 


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recruited some pals. The result is a tri- 
umph. Travis Tritt hasn't made a track 
with as much honky-tonk energy as Amie 
in years. Bruce Hornsby hasn't made a 
rock track as good as Crown of Jewels in a 
while. Emmylou Harris and Iris DeMent 
seem born to sing Wildwood Flower to- 
gether. John Prine sounds pretty good 
singing City of New Orleans. Scruggs obvi- 
ously isn’t afraid to recast a classic, and 
his guitar solo on Both Sides Now makes 
you realize how great that hippie cliché 
is. Scruggs himself sings well on I Wan- 
na Be Loved Back with Trisha Yearwood. 
And the bluesy Passin’ Thru is, in my 
opinion, the best thing Joan Osborne 
has ever sung. Scruggs is just as convinc- 
ing with straight bluegrass: A Soldiers Joy 
with Vince Gill and Lonesome Ruben with 
Randy's father, banjoist Earl Scruggs, 
and dobro great Jerry Douglas. Some- 
day, Crown of Jewels may have classic sta- 
tus. It deserves it. — DAVE MARSH 


RAP 


John Forté is one of those educat- 
ed rappers, and on Poly Sci (Ruffhouse/ 
Columbia) he takes no pains to hide it. 
He lets you know he’s down with the 
Nutzbaby Crew, but that doesn’t make 
him a banger. The Sunz of Man, on the 
other hand, aren't educated in the stay- 
in-school sense. But they have their own 
science. When they warn their street 
brothers on Sunz of Man: The Last Shall Be 
First (Red Ant) to “stop killing your own 
relatives” in their dense, mysterious 
style, they sound every bit as smart as 
Forté. Maybe they're even smarter. Hip- 
hop lives. — ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


JAZZ 


What do the quiet acoustic sounds of 
pianist Chick Corea have in common 
with the electric wallop of Pat Metheny's 
guitar? Both came to our attention on 
Seventies albums by vibist and fusion pi- 
oneer Gary Burton. On Like Minds (Con- 
cord), Burton brings together his two 
principal collaborators, and for good 
measure includes another former co- 
hort, bebop drummer Roy Haynes. You 
can view the lineup as both Burton's au- 
tobiography and a Seventies-rooted jazz 
supergroup. But the players left their 
egos at the door and jelled into a supple 
and understated band. —NEIL TESSER 


BLUES 


Besides having one of the greatest ti- 
ues ever, Otis Taylor's When Negroes 
Walked the Earth (Shoelace) offers mini- 
malist blues in the John Lee Hooker 
mode, although Taylor does kick the riff 
from Jimi Hendrix’ You Got Me Floatin’ 
on Ninth Cavalry Blues. —DAVE MARSH 


FAST TRACKS 


OCKMETER 


Christgau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young 
8 8 8 8 6 
Motown Treasures: 
Ultimate Rarities 7 9 8 9 8 
8 it 7f 7 Ji 
6 8 6 9 T 
5 7; 8 6 8 


ALL ELVIS ALL THE TIME DEPARTMENT: It's 
not too late to catch the Elvis exhibit at 
the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and 
Museum. It kicked off this past sum- 
mer with the Flying Elvis skydiving 
team from the movie Honeymoon in Ve- 
gas and runs through the end of the 
year. Look for pay stubs from El's stint 
at Crown Electric and Precision Tool, 
Lisa Marie’s trike and, uh oh, Elvis" re- 
port cards. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Kiss will make 
its American movie debut in Detroit 
Rock City, a coming-of-age comedy, set 
in 1978, that follows four teens who 
stop at nothing to scam their way into 
a sold-out Kiss concert. Gene Simmons 
is one of the producers. ... MTV took 
inspiration from A&E's popular Biog- 
raphy series. Its version, Revue, incor- 
porates performances, personal mate- 
rial, philosophy and humor from rock 
stars. . . . Mick Fleetwood has filmed Mr. 
Music for broadcast early next year on 
Showtime. . . . In March 1999, the 
Beatles’ Hard Days Night will be rere- 
leased, restored and expanded for its 
35th anniversary. . . . Your Friends and 
Neighbors, starring Jason Patric, Ben 
Stiller and Nastassja Kinski, will have 
songs from Metallica interpreted by 
the cello quartet Apocalyptica. . . . We 
were tickled to see that Aerosmith's Joe 
Perry made his acting debut on our fa- 
vorite TV cop show, Homicide. But we 
still miss Andre Braugher. . . . Dwight 
Yoakam will produce, star in and direct 
South of Heaven, West of Hell, a screen 
play he wrote. . .. We hear Diana Ross 
is contemplating a return to the big 
screen in a romance produced by Ba- 
byface and Tracey Edmonds. 

NEWSBREAKS: Touring the States is 
Sang Sista Sang, a Smokey Robinson and 
Mickey Stevenson musical about legends 
in blues and jazz, including Holi- 
day, Bessie Smith, Mahalia Jackson and 


Dinah Washington. . . . George Clinton has 
signed a book deal with Pantheon to 
write and illustrate his memoirs. 
Christmas season albums to look for: 
Alanis Morissette, Mariah Carey's greatest 
hits, Garth Brooks live, possibly Hanson 
live and Celine Dion, who will also have 
a TV special Ray Manzarek, who 
has completed a successful book tour 
for his memoir, Light My Fire: My Life 
With the Doors, tells fans there is a 
Doors documentary in the works for 
the year 2000. . . . After reviewing 
more than 200 grant proposals, Bad 
Religion has awarded a University of 
Michigan grad student almost $4000 
to study forest health and renewal. . . 
Anew live Clash album will be released 
any day. Jee Strummer found the tapes 
in storage. The tribute CD with No 
Doubt, Korn, Ice Cube, Rancid and the In- 
digo Girls is set to come out in 1999. 
Madonna may be a mother, but she's 
still hip and canny. Her production 
company plans to turn Truth or Dare 
(the game in her documentary) into a 
TV show. For cable? . . _ You may see 
D'Angelo and the Fugees” Lauryn Hill on 
tour together. Our critics weigh 
in on music and culture in two new 
books: Check out Nelson George's Hip- 
Hop America (Viking), which examines 
pride, aggression, personalities and 
fashion among inner-city Americans, 
and Robert Christgau’s collection of piec- 
es and columns, Grown Up All Wrong 
(Harvard University Press), subtitled 
75 Great Rock and Pop Artists From 
Vaudeville to Techno. . . . Lastly, in a 
Washington, D.C. park, a triangular 
piece of land at Dupont Circle was 
dedicated to the memory of Sonny 
Bono. A special vault will hold congres- 
sional cufflinks and the sheet music to 
The Beat Goes On. Now that's showbiz. 
— BARBARA NELLIS 


29 


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While legal issues are being hashed out 
that will allow—or ban—gambling over 
the Internet, a few companies have 
found ways to bring interactive wagering 
to racing fans. The You Bet Network of 
Los Angeles (www.youbet.com) has part- 
nered with a licensed telephone-wager- 
ing operation to offer a form of interac- 
tive simulcasting that allows subscribers 
to download racing forms, see track 
odds, place bets and watch the races i 
real time on their computers. Payofls are 
equal to those given at the tracks, and 


nel audio chip promises sound perfor- 
mance worthy of fine home theater 
equipment. But even more impressive is 
Dreamcast's ability to deliver multiplay- 
er online gaming, currently an advan- 
tage enjoyed exclusively by PC users. 
Another smart touch: Dreamcast's Visu- 
al Memory System includes a memory 
card with its own LCD screen that dou- 
bles as a stand-alone portable system 
Gamers can use VMS to set up plays in 
sports games, for example, and then 
download the strategy by plugging the 
card into the Dreamcast control pad. 
VMS also saves special charac- 


32 


some of the country's premiere venues 
for Thoroughbred and harness racing 
are involved, including the Meadow- 
lands and Hialeah Park. Other compa- 
nies exploring this new turf are Inter- 
bets (www.interbets.com) and Capital 
OTB (www.capitalotb.com). They still 
require bets to be phoned in, but Inter- 
bets offers its customers personal wager- 
ing terminals that connect via phone 
line. Many tracks around the country al- 
so Webcast races in both video and au- 
dio. For a list of those, as well as about 
3000 other racing-related links, consult 
Your Mining Company Guide to Horse 
Racing at horseracing.miningco.com/ 
mlibrary.hun. —JOHN WINTERS 


SEGA: THE NEXT 
GENERATION 


Sony's PlayStation has been winning the 
latest battles for gamers’ hearts (and dol- 
lars), but the video game wars are far 
from over. Sega has already spilled the 
news of its next-generation game sys- 
tem, Dreamcast, though this tech toy 
won't be ready for U.S. consumption un- 
til next fall. Developed in cooperation 
with Hitachi, Microsoft, N Video- 
Logic and Yamaha, Dreamcast has 128- 
bit processing power that moves graph- 
ics data four times faster than the most 
powerful Pentium II computer chip. As 
a result, pictures look supersmooth and 
three-dimensional. A dedicated 64-chan- 


ters, moves or teams, and lets 

you trade game information by 

connecting two VMS cards. 
—JONATHAN TAKIFF 


VIRTUAL DISNEY 


Disney pushes the limits of vir- 
tual reality technology at its 
new entertainment complex, 
DisneyQuest, in Orlando. The 
100,000-square-foot attraction 
uses Silicon Graphics worksta- 
tions to power rides in which vis- 
itors experience wild adventures 
in six animated worlds. A few of 
these virtual trips—Aladdin's Magic Car- 
pet Ride, Hercules in the Underworld 


and the Virtual Jungle Cruise—sound 
adolescent. But Disney has gone grown- 
up on all of them by teaming its unpar- 
alleled animation with motion simula- 
tors—cars that buck and rock to create a 
more realistic sense of movement. Our 
favorite of the six attractions? Cyber- 
Space Mountain, a VR roller coaster ride 
with a simulator car that pitches and 
rolls 360 degrees. For those who prefer 
to avoid Orlando, DisneyQuest facilities 
will be opening in 30 cities, beginning 
with Chicago next summer. 

—BETH TOMKIW 


— WILD THINGS — — 


The average Joe owns 100 compact discs, according to Pioneer Electronics, and the 
company’s new PD-F1007 301-disc Giga CD Changer (pictured) offers us Joes plenty 
of room for growth. But the machine won't consume your entertainment cabinet like 
some mega CD changers. Thanks to an efficiently designed center-loading mecha- 
nism, Pioneer's Gigo Changer has o footprint on par with typical rack components. It 
olso hos smart features that make shuffling through all the music easier. Custom filing 
modes let you categorize music ten ways—say, by genre or personal preferences 
(yours, hers, etc.). The machine also has a Best Selection Memory function that lets you 
program your 50 favorite tracks for ployback in order or at random. Other cool fea- 
tures: CD text and title input (for scralling through the inventory) ond an audio link thot 
lets you hook up on odditional Giga CD Changer for a total storage capacity of 602 


CDs. The price: $350. 


—1 


IN A SNIFTER, ON THE ROCKS, OR ANY 
OTHER WAY YOU FIND TEMPTING. 


STRAIGHT UP. A SLIGHTLY UNEXPECTED FINISH TO THE EVENIN 


34 


WHO NEEDS REINDEER 
WHEN YOU HAVE A MOUSE? 


playboy's guide to holiday 
shopping on the internet 


At the risk of sounding like Scrooge, we 
think holiday shopping sucks. But it's 
not the pressure of picking out perfect 
gifts that drives us nuts. It’s those Tickle- 
Me-Elmo crazies—pushing and 
yanking and complaining. 
Thankfully, there's the Inter- 
net. Armed with a PC, a mo- 
dem line and a major credit 
card, you can cover everyone 
on your gift list—on your time 
and on your butt—without the 
crowds, rotten weather and 
other seasonal hassles. Sure, 
you pay a little extra for 
doorstep delivery. But think of 
what you'll save in time and 
sanity. That said, here are a va- 
riety of spots with stuff that's 
bound to please. 


SURE THINGS 

If you prefer to go with what 

you know, Nordstrom (nordstrom- 
pta.com), Bloomingdale’s (bloom 
ingdales.com) and Neiman Mar- 

cus (www.neimanmarcus.com) 
have set up shop on the Web. 
Bloomie's is the only site that a 
takes credit card information | 
online (the others accept or- 
ders by fax or phone). But all 
offer the services of personal shoppers 
who communicate with you by e-mail, 
making gift recommendations or track- 
ing down your requests. J. Crew (jcrew. 
com) lets you shop from its current cata- 
logs as well as its sale and clearance ones. 
Eddie Baver (www.eddiebauer.com) sells 
clothing, footwear, home furnishings, 
luggage and gift certificates that can be 
used at any of its stores. Gap Online 
(www.gap.com), which features a wide 
range of Gap merchandise, has a cool 
feature for the fashion impaired. Get 
Dressed Interactive lets you select a 
single garment—say, a shirt—and then 
offers suggestions for coordinates. If 
clothes aren't your bag, Barnes & Noble 
(barnesandnoble.com), Borders (borders. 
com) and Tower Records (www.towerrec 
ords.com) have impressive Web sites 
loaded with entertainment for the eyes 
and ears. And for gizmos galore, an on- 
line version of the Sherper Image is at 
sharperimage.com. 


MALL BROWSING 
To limit your mousework, Yahoo has 
partnered with Visa to create the Visa 
Shopping Guide (shopguide yahoo.com). 
This comprehensive directory will sort 
through cyberjunk to bring you the best 
(and most reliable) commerce sites on 


the Web. Its 26 product categories offer 
a quick link to vendors who sell exactly 
what you want and who, of course, ac- 
cept Visa. ¡Mall (www.imall.com) is a one- 
stop online shop that sells everything 
from electronics to gourmet grub. It also 
provides access to two great toy stores, 
FAO Schwarz and Red Rocket. (If you still 
can't find that Spawn action figure your 
nephew craves, check out eToys at www. 


; ser ИШГЕ ТҮ 


Do it оп the Web: Cyberbras and designer ties. 


ctoys.com.) Searching for designer la- 
bels? The Fashionmall (fashionmall.com) 
hooks you up with styles by such top 
names as Jean-Paul Gaultier, Tommy 
Hilfiger and Giorgio Armani, as well as 
a collection of threads for the under- 
30 set. Playboy Online (www.playboy.com) 
makes cybershopping convenient with 
the Playboy Marketplace, a section that 
features Critics’ Choice Video (for VHS and 
DVD movies), Amazon.com (for books and 
compact discs), Collectors’ Choice Music (for 
classic tunes, imports and reissues on 
CD, audiocassette and, occasionally, LP), 
My-CD.com (for custom compact discs) 
and Beyond.com (for computer games and 
reference software). It also links to the 
Playboy Store for lingerie, adult videos 
and romantic gifts for couples. Other 
great spots for music and movies: CDNow 
(www.cdnow.com), K-Tel Express (www. 
ktel.com), Netflix (www.netflix.com), DVD 
Express (www.dvdexpress.com) and La- 
ser’s Edge (lasersedge.com), which stocks 
more than 4000 movies on laser disc that 
are priced to sell—fast. 


MISCELLANEOUS LOOT 

Ties aren't the most original gifts, but 
you'll earn points if the ones you give are 
from the Lee Allison Co. (lecallison.com). If 
we had the bucks, we'd take one of each. 


The designer's cool retro styles include 
the E-mail, Bachelor Pad Upholstery, 
Dick Tracy and k Flamingos, pic 
tured here, left to right. Exercise equip- 
ment tops plenty of holiday wish lists. 
At the FitnessZone (www.fitnesszone.com) 
you can choose among the best tread- 
stair machines, exercise bikes, 
weights and more. For a broader range 
of jock gear, browse the Sports Superstore 
(www.sportssuper.com) and Sportsite 
(sportsite.com). If your girlfriend has 
a great sense of humor, order her a 
custom Cyberbra (pictured left) from 
Fox Color & Light’s Home Page (www.cyber 
things.com). This leather work of art is 
covered with tiny red lightbulbs that 
strobe in funky patterns. Prefer to light 
up her taste buds? You can find all 
sorts of tempting treats at Dean & 
Deluca (www.dean-deluca.com). 
More than 100 brands of 
gars, pipes and tobacco ac- 
cessories are available at 
SA Tobacco (208.147 
229.175/body.cim) 
Virtual Vineyards 
(www.virtualvin. 

| com) offers an 
equally vast selec- 
tion of wines from 
around the world, 
along with gourmet 

cheeses and confections. (We espe 
like the wine samplers.) To send a loved 
one to an actual vineyard, visit Travelocity 
(www.travelocity.com) or Expedia (expe 
dia.msn.com) to book a trip to Europe or 
Napa Valley. —BETH TOMKIW 


CYBERSCOOP 


Here are a few tips from Visa on 
how to play it safe with your plos- 
tic while online. 


у Use a secure browser, such as 
ANC Netscape 2.0 (or higher), Micra- 
soft Explorer ar AOL. 


l^ Stay with sites that promise se- 
MW cure transactions. They'll have a 
Lock and Key logo, plus explana- 

tions about one of two technolo- 
gies—either Security Socket Layer 

or Secure Electronic Transactions. 


l^ Be sure to report any unoutho- 
rized use of your card within 48 
hours of receiving your monthly 
statement. All major credit card 
companies obide by the Fair 
Credit Billing Act, a law that pro- 
tects ogainst froudulent use of 
plastic by making cardholders li- 
able for a maximum $50 of un- 
approved charges. 


See what's happening on Playboy's 
Home Page at htip://www.playboy.com 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 


Makes a great gift. 


On the other hand, you've been 
very, very good thi 


Fi The Bose” Wave" radio is the perfect gift 
N for your favorite music lover. But listen to 
it once, and you may not want to give it 
away. After all, the Wave radio can fill any home this 
holiday season with amazingly big, full stereo sound. 
And yet it’s small enough to fit on an end table, on a 
kitchen counter—just about anywhere. 

There really is nothing like the Wave radio. 
In fact, Popular Science called it “a sonic marvel” 
Besides its unmatched sound, it has a unique array 
of features—a convenient remote control, pre-set 
station buttons, and many more. You can even plug 


in a CD or cassette player and enjoy your favorite 
pre-recorded music. 

For more information, call 1-800-681-BOSE, ext. 
R9624. Be sure to ask about our in-home trial and 
100% satisfaction guarantee. For $349, the Bose Wave 
radio will make your favorite music lover—who just 
might be you—very, very happy. 


For free shipping, order before 


December 31, 1998. 


Call 1-800-681-BOSE, ext. R9624. 


For information on all our products: www.bose.com/19624 


Please specify your color choice when ordering the Wave” radio: O Imperial White C Graphite Gray 


Mrs IMs. 


Mt 


Nin (Please Print) Evening Telephone 
Adress 
Or mail toc Bose® Corporation, Dept, CDD-R9624, The Mountain, Framingham, MA 01701-9168. AAO RE, 


Ask about our interest-free six-month payment plan. 


1998 Be Corporation 


Gamer potent re 


ing, tan payer plan and he 
Y dude op 


ийет uc alza Á— un 


35 


36 


BOOKS 


MR. BIG 


How many scandals can one politician / 
shake off? Bill Clinton should find so- 
lace (and some suggestions) in the way | 
Vermont Senator Woodrow Wilson 4 
White meets his adversities. The 
bloodied but unbowed hero of Peter 
Leicourt's wickedly satiric new nov- | 
el The Woody (Simon & Schuster) is 
facing an election with more than 
a few problem areas. His son is a 
dope dealer, his daughter is a 
practicing Luddite and his wife is 
a lesbian who is threatening to go pub- 
lic. His male housekeeper is a Blackshirt neo-Fas- 
cist. And his largest campaign contributor is the head of orga- 
nized crime in his home state. Even worse, his Republican 
opponent is so relentless that she makes Kenneth Starr seem 
as good-natured as Ringo Starr. Still, the main thing on 
Woody's mind is not the election but his erection. His urolo- 
gist's nurse is leaking news of his dipping testosterone level, 
and, as his campaign guru notes, "Nobody wants a senator 
who's down a quart." How could the Los Angeles-based Lef- 
court concoct such a hilarious insider's tour of Beltway wheel- 
ing and dealing, complete with smart pokes at pols from Trent 
Lott to Ted Kennedy? Woody might advise: Don't ask ques- 
tions, just have fun. —DICK LOCHTE 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


After nearly a year af Manica 
Lewinsky and the dismissal 
af oral sex as no sex at all, 
it's a relief to read Chroni- 
cle Baoks’ Going Down: Lip 
Service From Great Writers. 
Some of the writers are 
erary—Oscor Wilde, Anais 
Nin, Norman Mailer, John 
Updike, Philip Rath and Har- 
old Brodkey. Some—Erica 
Jong, Frank Zap- 

pa, Anka Rada- 

kovich—are just 

bawdy. Here's Nin 


an the subject: “As 
he was pinned un- | 


der her, she was | 


the ane to move | 
within reach of 

his mouth, which had nat 
touched her yet. She re- 
mained a shart distance, 
loaking, enjaying the spec- 
tacle of her awn beautiful 
stomach and hair and sex so 
near his mauth.” Cauntered 
by Mailer: “We grappled ta- 
ward the bed, stealing hand- 
fuls of each ather's flesh en 
raute befare diving dawn 
into the sang of the bed- 
springs, her mouth engarg- 
ing my cock. There are a 


hundred wards, | suppase, 
far penis, but cock goes with 
fellatio.” Then there is Frank 
Zappa's report on the Plas- 
ter-Casters: "The blaw jab 
girl had to take her mauth 
off the guy's dick at the pre- 
cise mament the other girl 
slammed the cantainer full 
of glap anta the end af it, 
holding it there until it hard- 

ened enough to 

make a good mold. 

When Hendrix was 

cast, they tald me 

he liked the glap 

so well he fucked 

the mald.” Anka 

Radokavich be- 

came so enam- 
ored of a cunnilinguist that 
she put a framed phata af 
his tongue on her desk at 
wark. In Sex Tips far Straight 
Wamen Fram a Gay Мап, the 
author cancludes: "Perhaps 
yaur biggest concern about 
the world’s best BJ is gag- 
ging. A lot of it has to da with 
your relaxatian level and 
haw comfartable you feel. A 
lat has ta da with the cantral 
of yaur breathing. Remember 
that Mr. Stiffy is yaur friend.” 


DECK THE COFFEE TABLE 


Nothing says the holidays like a fat coffee-table book loaded 
with fabulous pictures and interesting text. We're not talking 
doorstops. We're talking books that friends will delightedly 
scan while waiting for you to produce a four-star offering 
from chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten's Jean-Georges (Broad- 
way Books). As we would expect, there’s no shortage this year 
of gift books that celebrate anniversaries. Bruce Springsteen: 
Songs (Avon) chronicles his noteworthy 25-year recording ca- 
reer with photos, lyrics and a few well-chosen words from the 
Boss himself. What I'd Say: The Atlantic History of Music (Stew- 
art, Tabori & Chang) covers 50 years of the Atlantic record la- 
bel, from Ray Charles to Stone Temple Pilots, with lots of 
words from Atlantic founder Ahmet Ertegun and a few from 
the likes of Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton. There are also 
thoughtful essays by such critics as Greil Marcus and Robert 
Christgau and photos galore. NASA and the Exploration of Space 
(Stewart, Tabori & Chang) presents the history of the U.S. 
space program, covering all of the right, and some of the 
wrong, stuff from over the course of 40 years. The Man of 
Steel has been flying for 20 years longer than that, as you'll 
learn in Superman: The Complete History (Chronicle). Michael 
Jordan has produced more superheroic feats in a span of on- 
ly 13 NBA seasons, 
and if you can't get 
enough of the guy 
who has better name 
recognition than 
Santa Claus, For the 
Love of the Game 
(Crown) aims for a 
repeat of Rare Air. 
Sports fans will al- 
SO appreciate The Best 
American Sports Writ- 
ing 1998 (Houghton 
Mifflin), which has 
become an annual 
event since 1991. Bill 
Littlefield of Nation- 
al Public Radio is this 
year's guest editor. 
Some of the most ac- 
claimed photogra- 
phers in the world 
have worked for 
the Magnum Photos 
Agency, which is cel- 
ebrating its 50th anniversary with a series of black-and- white 
compendiums on single themes. Night (Terrail) is photo noir 
at its finest, with 29 photographers represented. Other note- 
worthy photography books include Forms of Desire (St. Mar- 
tin’s), which explores underground erotica through the lens 
of Doris Kloster, and Airborne (Chronicle), a new collection 
from dance photographer Lois Greenfield. Although it won't 
bring much cheer to your household, Vietnam: Reflexes and Re- 
flections (Abrams) is a fascinating collection of work from the 
National Vietnam Veterans Art Museum, which began in 
Chicago before Air Jordan arrived there. A light-hearted but 
nonetheless revealing glimpse of a war's impact is presented 
in Design for Victory (Princeton Architectural Press), by William 
Bird Jr. and Harry Rubenstein. It's a curious anthology of 
World War II posters that were distributed on the American 
home front. Before you say it can't be done, take a look at 
Michael Walsh's novel As Time Goes By (Warner Books). Sure, 
others have attempted to reimagine Casablanca, but this one 
actually works. Can you picture Rick as a former gangster 
from East Harlem? Cheers! — PAUL ENGLEMAN 


P icasso is OK, I can appreciate his 
work, but show me a motorcycle 
like the new MV Agusta F4 (designed by 
Massimo Tamburini) or the 1997 BMW 
R1200C or the 1911 Harley-Davidson 
Model 7D, and my eyes will shine and 1 
will shout, "That's art!” 

For the record, the Guggenheim Mu- 
seum in New York City had an exhib- 
it this past summer called “The Art of 
the Motorcycle.” It featured 113 motor- 
cycles (including those listed previously) 
and drew approximately 280,000 visi- 
tors (45 percent higher than is normal). 
The Guggenheim is doing the right 
thing, and I hope there is more where 
that came from. 

I have this fantasy that I will win at 
Powerball one day, and after I pay my 
debts and go to Hawaii and help some 
of my family and friends, 1 will build 
the world’s first Real Man's Art Museum. 
It will be a place designed specifically 
for regular guys untutored in the finer 
points of art as art critics define them, 
but who find great beauty in their every- 
day lives and want to celebrate that fact. 
1 first thought of the Real Man's Art Mu- 
seum years ago when 1 was a mover in 
the Midwest. As I hauled household ef- 
fects from place to place, I frequently fell 
in love with well-made things. That was 
the highest privilege of the furniture 
mover's job: I had access to people's 
homes and got to see their most precious 
family heirlooms—many of which be- 
longed in my museum. 

Beer and hot dogs will be served at the 
Real Man's Art Museum and computer 
games will be situated on every floor. 
And on display—displays you can touch 
and handle, by the way—will be my fa- 
vorite motorcycles as well as Louisville 
Slugger bats and Stanley hand tools and 
Hasselblad camer 
jos and bark 
and Peterbil 
stop being 
forms of art and to enjoy, without shame, 
the world around us as we see it. So giv- 
en my plans, let me tell you about my lat- 
est art object. It's a blue-ribbon special 
and you can own it yourself. 

Shortly before the end of the last cen- 
tury (in 1895, to be exact), a man named 
King Camp Gillette began to work on an 
idea for a safety razor with disposable 
blades. The conventional straight razor 
then in use was a dangerous and awk- 
ward instrument in the hands of many 


men, and the need for a better and safer 
way to shave was obvious. Or at least it 
was obvious to K.C. Gillette. By 1901 
Gillette had finalized his conception for 
his safety razor, and in 1903 he manufac- 
tured his version of what would become 
a long line of shaving products. The days 
of grisly shaving accidents with straight- 
blade razors were over. 

Gillette’s 1903 start-up efforts did not 
bring immediate success. By year's end, 
he had sold only 51 razor sets and 168 
blades. But by 1904, Gillette received 
the first U.S. patent on his safety razor, 
and sales jumped to 90,000 razors and 
12 million blades. 

In 1932 the Gillette Blue Blade came 
on the market. In 1938 the Gillette Thin 
Blade arrived, and the year 1946 saw the 
first blade dispenser, wh eliminated 
the need to unwrap individual blades 
(ofien a finger-cutting exercise). In 1957 
lette introduced the adjustable razor, 
and in 1960 the company produced the 
Super Blue Blade, which featured a sili- 
cone coating on the blade's edge. In 
1971 Gillette presented the first twin- 
blade razor (the Trac 11), followed by the 
first twin-blade disposable razor in 1976, 
1977, the Sensor in 1989 and 
cel in 1994. 
this year of our beard 1998 
est in a long line of bre: 
throughs in shaving essentials. I'm talk- 


the Atra in 


ing about the Gillette Mach3 razor 
(available in most stores for about $7, 
with a four-pack of cartridges that sells 
for $6.50). The Mach3 is the finest razor 
I have ever used. It has given me the 
first truly close shave of my life, and I 
urge you to try it. (And no, I am not on 
retainer to Gillette and will not receive 
any perks for my praise of the Mach3.) 
The Mach3 was tested by more than 
10,000 men before it went to stores. Cu- 


so high that the FBI inves gate alleged 
leaks of information to Gillette’s com- 
petitors. The Gillette Co. spent more 
than $750 million to bring the Mach3 to 
market, and its new shaving system will 
be covered by more than 35 patents. A 
few of the features that make the Mach3 
an exceptional item: 

* There are three blades in each car- 
tridge head, set up in what Gillette calls 
“progressive alignment,” which means 
that in one shaving stroke you get a con- 
sistently cleaner cut. I find the three- 
blade alignment a definite improvement 
over two-blade cartridges. 

* The blade edges are thinner than any 
other Gillette blade edges, which means 
they provide less drag and a finer shave. 
Gillette says this system is “the first ma- 
jor blade innovation in 30 years,” and I 
believe it. However, the new blades don't 
seem to last long. I can get only about 
four or five really good shaves out ofone 
cartridge. If you have a tough beard, 
you'll probably spend more on blades 
for this razor. 

© The pivoting action is housed in the 
cartridge rather than in the blade han- 
dle, That keeps the blade surfaces closer 
to your face and makes the razor easy 
to usc. 

* The ergonomic metal handle with its 
crescent-shaped grip fits into your hand 
easily and helps you shave efficiently, 
And its design seems simple in the most 
classical sense of that word. I just like 
looking at the Mach3. 

Which is why, on the first floor of my 
Real Man's Art Museum, there will be a 
sealed case under a spotlight that holds 
the Gillette Mach3 1 glory. B. 
cause, by any sane man's definition, it, 
100, is a thing of beauty. Thanks to King 
Gilleue and the gift he gave us more 
than a century ago. 


37 


The Phi Ф Home 
Cinema Collection 


Forget movie lines and overcrowded shows: 
turn your house into a digital multimedia 
dream.The Philips 64° HDTV puts traditional 


wide-screens to shame with a Dynamic 


Focus rear-projection unit, Dolby Digital™ 


Mm 


sound, and high-definition quality Hook 
up to the Philips DVD player 420 to 
play audio CDs and DVD-Video Disks. 
For an incredible experience, interface 
with the Philips DVX 8000 multimedia 
home theater, featuring a DVD player, 
a 233 MHz Pentium® MMX processor, 
Windows® 95, and wireless keyboard. 
And control it all with the Philips Pronto 
LCD touchscreen remote control. 
I've got to admit it's getting better. 
www.PhilipsUSA.com 


© 199 is Белка Jr Aia Тыр, y Digo isa тийнш МЫ 
Dole Lberaeries Losing Corp. Windows and Windows NÎ are ciber trademarts 
vw registered trademarks of Mira Corporation. Pentium and МЮ are either 
trademarks or registered trademarks of Intel Corporation. 


You can find satisfying taste 


at lower tar. 


= SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


ul > 
ЫШ = Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Ultima: 1 т 1272 01 mg nieatine—Ultra Lights: 1 
amo ollas c Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 
0.6 mg nic diii 


Av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


Great New Products 


Is your home secure? Children cared for? Hidden camera 
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What goes on when you're not there? [s a thief a 
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Now sec for vourself, 24 hours a day. Handsome full-function 
Magnavox alarm clock/radio (with AM/FM and weatherband) has a 
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Definition is amazing, equal to systems costing three times the price 
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8 АТМ Guardian-Eye, #HC-WRD $199.95 

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work? Is yo 


Some things are Tour mr 
too precious to 


leave to chance. 


Wild animals roar into your living room. 
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sounding so real you'll buy a 
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Guests are thrilled! You will be, 
too. Measures 13.5" across, glass 
covered, runs on three AA batteries, 
not included, Photocell automatically 
puts the critters to sleep for the night 


Ili The Wild Animal Clock, #99811 $39.95 


Micro-recorder is built right into 
handset. Records up to 3 hours. Could 
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“Boy, 1 wish I bad that on tape.” How 
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Computer technology hos 
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And while mony of us are on 
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odjust the position of the 
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Itis not enough to get your girlfriend a present. You hove 
to moke the extro effort so it looks, well, presentoble. You 
con cheot ond osk the store to wrop it for you, but then it 
will hove thot monufoctured look. Besides, no motter whot 
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How to Cook Your Christmas Goose 


Serving the holidoy goose is probobly the most festive Christmos 
trodition to come out of the kitchen. It isn't porticulorly hord to 
do, and the preporation makes the kitchen o locus of activity ond 
good cheer. Fill the cavity of the bird with your fovorite fruit- 
bosed stuffing, then truss the goose. Rub the skin with coorse solt 
and prick it oll over to ollow the fot to droin during cooking 
Ploce the breost on o roosting 
rock in o shallow pon 
into which you 
hove poured a 
cup or so of 
woter. Ploce 
the goose 
in on oven 
preheoted 
to 425 de- 
grees 

Roast 15 
minutes per 
pound (o 
12-pound 
goose will toke ap: 
proximately 3% hours). 
Boste the bird every 15 or 
20 minutes. If the woter in the pon evoporotes, odd more. Skim 
the occumuloted fot from the pon every hour or so—there will be 
o lot of it. After the first hour, turn the bird over every holf hour, 
leoving it on its back for the lost 45 minutes to ollow the breost to 
brown. The goese is done when its legs move freely up ond down 
‘ond the juices from between its thigh ond its leg run cleor. Let the 
bird rest out of the oven for ot leost holf on hour before corving. 


45 


Variety is the spice of life. 


Those who appreciate quality enjoy it responsibly. 
25199 CROWN ROYAL * IMPORTED IN THE BOTTLE BLENDED CANADIAN ИНС Неа ALCOHOL BY VOLUME (80 PROOF) JOSEPH E. SEAGRAM & SONS, NEW YORK, NY 


Clothesline: 
Conan O'Brien 


During his comedy writing 
days, Conan O'Brien was 
strictly a jeans, sneakers 
and pola shirt kind af guy. 
Then came his late-night 
talk show on NBC. Now 
the six-foot-four star sports 
designer suits instead of 
schleppwear. "I like Paul 
Smith a lot, because he 
makes thin, tapered trou- 
sers, great for my long 
legs,” says O'Brien. He al- 
so likes Danna Karan and Calvin Klein. “And col- 
ored English shirts—rich blues and velvets.” His fa- 


Somewhere East of Suez 


1 Colaniali tailetries would have been right ot home in the bathroom af 
Joseph Conrad’s Lord Jim. The line, develaped by J&E Atkinsans (per- 
fumers in Londan since 1799), draws inspiratian from the English cal- 
onies. Exotic ingredients such as mango-kernel oil and hamamelis ex- 
tract are packaged in elegant pottery, glass and metal cantainers, and 
the result has the scent ond lock af the tropics. (The shaving cream with 
mango oil in an earthen pot is terrific.) Prices range from $16 for a de- 
odorant stick with aubaku extract to $40 far an aromatic splash infused 
with guajaca wood. Saks Fifth Avenue and some Bloamingdale's and 


vorite clothing items? “The ones that hide my nude 
body. It’s shacking,” he says. "I have a leather jacket 
1 bought a few years aga because | thought it made 
me look like Serpico. Actually, ! look like Opie Taylor 
trying ta look like Serpico. But I'm always thinking | 
need another cool jacket. | buy too many of them.” 
As for shopping, he sticks to New York mainstays 
such as Calvin Klein and Barneys. “They're expen- 
sive, but they always have nice stuff.” Like velvet 
shirts? "I was just kidding about the velvet shirts.” 
Whatever you say, Austin Powers. 


Nordstrom stares sell I Calaniali, ar call BOO-711-48B0. - 


Guys Are Talking About... 


Poker. It’s replacing bowling as 
а weekend way to party and 
3 B pair up. Chuck Zito. He's the 
stuntman and celebrities’ 
badyguard who kicked Jean- 
Claude Van Domme's ass fol- 
lawing a disagreement at 
Scores, the strip club in New 
York. Classic woodies. Vin- 
tage waod-sided statian 
© wagons are becoming hat 
collectibles, with prices for rare 
cherry or restored models reaching upwards of 
$70,000. The bellini. As it is usually made, it 
cantains champagne and the hand-squeezed 
е af a white peach. But now the drink is sa 
hot that we've seen bellini vending machines in 
busy clubs. Pocket Mail. With JVC’s portable 
device for accessing and sending e-mail and 
pages from anywhere there's a paging net- 
wark, no cables ar wires are required. Round- 
the-clock restaurants. Global markets and 
greed have encouraged extended haurs at a 
number of upscale eateries, including the 
French bistro Florent on Gansevoort Street in 
Manhattan's meatpacking district. The Life 
Hammer (pictured here). In the event of an ac- 
cident, this $30 German-made gadget can 
crack a car's side window or cut a seat belt and 
possibly save your life. It’s gaod for starting 
canversations, tao. The price includes a mount- 
able hausing bracket for the Life Hammer. 


| Want Sex? Stuff Her Stocking 


Who says you can't buy love? Even nonmaterial 
a gift that rocks. The first choice, of course, is 
is Nina Hartley, however, don't give her lingerie that's crotchless ar buttless. 
Our choice is the sexy Ravage bra ($144) and thong ($68) pictured here, 
from Enchanté in Chicaga. The campany ships overnight. Motorola's new 
analog wireless phone that's nestled in the lingerie 

Barbie. Weighing 2.7 aunces and measuring only 3% i 

(closed), the V3620 ($700) is 

the world’s smallest and light- 

est phone. The Behind the Bed- 

room Doar video series is erotic 

adult education at ils best. It 

features cauples talking about 

sex in real-life situations and 

demonstrating how they ga far 

the gold. A set af four videos is 

$65. Fuji Film’s slick Endeavor 

3500ix Zoom MRC is an ad- 
vanced photo system camera 
that’s not much larger than a 
credit card. It features a remote 
cantrol that makes taking be- 
tween-the-sheeis shots easy. 
The price: abaut $500. In the 
right hands—including yours— 
the $45 Hitachi Magic Wand, 
the classic two-speed vibrator 
with a soft head, is the best 
bedraom tay on the market. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 195. 


47 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


What should 1 offer my postal carrier, 
my doorman and the nanny as holiday 
tips?—R.W., Santa Monica, Californi 

Give until you think, Maybe this is 100 
much. Anyone who is dependable and com- 
petent deserves every penny, and there's no 
telling how a generous tip will influence 
your quality of life. The precise amount is 
left to your discretion, depending on cir- 
cumsiances (e.g., if you tip your doorman 
throughout the year, your gift can be adjust- 
ed somewhat). Here are some guidelines: 
Give live-in supers and doormen you inter- 
act with often $25 to $75; doormen you see 
infrequently, $10 to $25; doormen who tell 
your crazy ex-girlfriend thal you moved out 
‘months ago, $250; housekeeper, $50; house- 
keeper if you're a bachelor, $300; newspaper 
carrier, $10 to $20; custodian who carried 
your Christmas party empties to the Dump- 
ster, $25 to $50; mail carrier who doesn't 
steal your PLAYBOYs, $10 to $20 (or a small 
gift aud a letter of appreciation to his or her 
supervisor; it’s against regulations for carri- 
ers lo accept cash); garage attendants, $10 
to $20; regular babysitter, $50; live-in nan- 
ny, a month's salary and a personal gift: ad- 
vice columnist, a detailed letter describing 
your hottest sexual encounter, but with no 
question at the end. 


WI, wite has taken to calling me her 
vibrator holder.” I think she may be 
id but 1 can't tell. Should 1 be of- 
fended?—PW., Milwaukee, Wisconsin 

That depends on when you're holding it. If 
your wife considers you a vibrator attach- 
ment, that's a problem. If you can touch her 
vibrator only when it's unplugged, you're in 
trouble. If you're in the next room cleaning 
her vibrator while she fucks the neighbor, call 
a professional. However, if she's saying in a 
slightly awkward way that her vibrator feels 
best under your control, you're ahead of the 
game. Ask for specifics: Would she prefer a 
holder or a handler? As Joani Blank points 
out in “Good Vibrations: The Complete 
Guide to Vibrators” (800-289-8423), it's 
difficult for even the most diligent lover to 
please a woman with a vibrator as well as 
she can herself. That's why some women en- 
joy having their partners hold the vibrator 
still while they move against it. Or they take 
the reins as they near orgasm lo ensure opti- 
mum pleasure, Since vibrators are unisex, 
perhaps your wife could demonstrate her 
holding and handling techniques on your 
body. There's nothing more wonderful than 
two vibrator holders in love. 


А friend presented this puzzle at the 
bar the other night, and it led to a con- 
tentious debate: "You're on a game show 
and are offered three doors. Behind one 
door is a Playmate, behind the second is 
a corn dog and behind the third is an- 
other corn dog. The host asks you to se- 


lect a door, which remains closed. The 
host then says, “I'll show you one of the 
corn dogs" and opens a door you didn't 
choose. He asks, "Now that you've seen 
one of the corn dogs, would you like to 
switch your choice to the other closed 
door?" My friend insisted that switch- 
ing doubles your chances of picking the 
Playmate. He tried to explain but made 
no sense. What door would the Advisor 
choose?—K.A., Fuscaloosa, Alabama 
We'd say loudly, “Oh, hello, Hef!" and the 
Playmate would open the door herself. This 
puzzle has caused a furious debate on the n- 
ternet since certified genius Marilyn vos Sa- 
vant offered a solution in 1990 in her news- 
paper column. She says you should switch. 
She's right. Here's our attempt at an expla- 
nation: Before you choose, there's a one-in- 
three chance that you'll select the door with 
the Playmate, and a two-in-three chance that 
she's behind one of the other doors. With us 
so far? The hast always opens one of the 
doors that hides a corn dog, The odds are 
still one-in-three that you chose the door with 
the Playmate, and two-in-three that she was 
behind one of the other doors. But now one of 
those doors has been opened, and the Play- 
mate isn't there. So the two-in-three odds ap- 
ply to the other closed door, and you double 
your chances if you switch. (The intuitive 
sponse is that the two closed doors each have 
а 50-50 chance. That would be the case if 
you were initially offered two doors.) Com- 
puter simulations bear this out: Over time, 
switchers win two thirds of the time. For more 
analysis (and debate), visit “The Monty Hall 
Dilemma” at cul-the-knot.com/hall.html. 


1... 48, my wife is 43, and this is the 
third marriage for both of us. We each 
have had our share of relationships. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA! 


During a drunken moment, however, 
she told me that between her first di- 
vorce, in 1972, and her second mar- 
riage, in 1980, she slept with more than 
400 guys, mostly one-night stands. I find 
this incredible and am having a hard 
time dealing with it. Any suggestions?— 
R.J., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 

In the movie “Chasing Amy" (see page 150 
for a profile of its director, Kevin Smith), the 
protagonist discovers his new girlfriend has 
a ton of sexual experience, including— 
gasp!—a threesome. He freaks out. Our re- 
action: Who cares? That's our response to 
your letter, as well. Besides the obvious dou- 
ble standard at work here (women who have 
lots of sex are sluts; guys who do so are 
studs), your wife's encounters happened two 
decades ago al a time when she was newly di- 
vorced, living in a pre-AIDS disco culture 
and hoping to meet a guy like you. She had 
divorced young, and it was lime to party. A 
new partner each week is an active, if not 
fulfilling, sex life. Be thankful you weren't 
one of those quickies, and that you two met 
long after your wife's wanderlust had been 
satisfied. Don't expect her to express regret 
now, or beg your forgiveness or any such 
bullshit. Being jealous of ex-lovers is point- 
less. Frankly, we'd love to share a bed with a 
woman who has that much experience. She 
knows what she likes, she knows what gw 
like, and no doubt she has great stories. 
Some of them might even turn you on. 


You wrote in October that Altoids don't 
do much to enhance oral sex. The day 
after reading your response, I read in 
the Starr report that Monica Lewinsky 
had shown the president what was prob- 
ably the Net posting you mentioned— 
while she was sucking on an Altoid! 
Small world. I had one girlfriend who 
would pop a cough drop into her mouth 
before giving me head, and it felt great. 
What's the difference?— [.C., Orlando, 
Florida 

Did it help her gag reflex? Cough drops 
contain menthol. When you blow on menthol 
placed on the skin, it creates the sensation of 
warmth, When you inhale forcefully, it cre- 
ales a cooling sensation. Minty liqueurs such 
as crème de menthe have the same effect, 
though the feeling can be more intense. Use 
caution: Applying menthol too liberally can 
burn. At first it feels wonderful, but ten min- 
utes later you'll be scrambling for a wet 
washcloth. That wouldn't be discreet. As for 
Altoids, the president obviously read our re- 
sponse as well, because he was able to resist 
Monica in that instance despite her minty 
breath. 


1 collect neckties from the Thirties and 
Forties. Finding a tie from that era that 
bre: t or just above the belt is damn 
near impossible, especially if you want 


49 


PLAYBOY 


50 


10 keep the two lengths equal. Any sug- 
gestions?—C. E., Winston-Salem, North 
Carolina 

The short, wide, somber ties of the Thirties 
complemented the vests and high-button 
suits popular at the time (and now making a 
comeback). Many men also wore suspenders, 
which hiked up their trousers. As you know, 
neckwear in the Forties was thinner, longer 
and more decorative, especially after the war. 
Ron Spark, co-author of “Fil to Be Tied" 
and the owner of 3500 classic ties, works 
around your problem by tucking the short 
length between the first ‘and second buttons 
of his shirt. You also may use a tie bar, which 
became a common accessory in the Forties, 


When is the proper time to eat the 
olive in your martini?—M.M., Denver, 
Colorado 

When you hear its tiny voice calling to 
you. There's no proper time, but Gary Re- 
gan, co-author of “The Martini Compan- 
ion,” recommends waiting until you finish 
your drink. “Otherwise you have to stick 
your fingers into the martini, and you might 
spill some of it,” he says. (Toothpicks are aul, 
by the way.) Connoisseurs who prefer very 
dry martinis marinate their olives in ver- 
mouth for months, and they always add the 
garnish after Ihe drink has been poured. 
How many olives? Regan says to go with 
an odd number but says three is too many 
(which leaves one—these martini guys love 
formulas). Another guide offers this rule: 
One is elegant, two is proper and three is 
a meal. 


Your response in June to a reader's re- 
quest for advice concerning his cheat- 
ing girlfriend sounded as if it were w 
ten by a member of the Berkeley chapter 
of NOW. I am reminded of a letter in 
Nancy Friday's book My Secret Garden in 
which a cheating wile claims she was 
busy rebuilding her husband's shattered 
ego, as if the problem was his delicate 
ego and not her behavior. Your advi 
that the guy end his relationship is 
sound, but I hope your purpose was to 
shake him up and end his self. Does 
being reluctant to trust a partner after a 
betrayal make you a control freak? His 
girlfriend ruined not only the relation- 
ship but also a friendship. A more rele- 
vant question than "Do you read her 
ma would have been “Do you screw 
her friends too?" —PH., Arlington, Texas 
Struck a nerve, did we? We'll stand by our 
advice. The reader was a control freak by his 
own admission (he even attempted to dictate 
our response), What sort of wonderful rela- 
tionship did this woman "ruin" when the 
guy's reaction to her cheating was to order 
her to heel like a dog? She didn't betray the 
relationship—she was running from it. 


Ive seen newspaper ads placed by reli- 
gious groups that claim gay people can 
become straight if they put their minds 
to it. I thought it was well established 


that sexual preference lies in our genes. 
Is there something I don’t know, or can 
gays changc?—R.T., Toledo, Ohio 

Consider the implications of the idea that 
sexual orientation operates like a light 
switch. You could make yourself gay! Take 
another look at this month's Playmate and 
think about the powerful attraction you have 
to women. You can't walk down the street 
without feeling drawn to every other female 
who passes, right? Now imagine eliminating 
that desire and replacing il with an equal- 
ly powerful longing for guys. It would be 
easier to change your gender. The ad cam- 
paign was funded by conservative Christian 
groups that believe homosexuality is caused 
by inadequate parenting and can be over- 
come through willpower (imagine what they 
could do for dieters). Although the effort to 
identify a gay gene continues, five decades of 
clinical research indicates that being straight 
or gay is about as much a choice as handed- 
ness or eye color (read “A Separate Creation: 
The Search for the Biological Origins of Sex- 
ual Orientation,” by Chandler Burr). If be- 
havior defines homosexuality, every guy who 
dresses in drag or enjoys anal penetration is 
That's far from the case. As usual, a few 
sheltered souls have reduced a complex equa- 
tion to a missionary position. 


our 


have a long-distance relationship with 
my first serious girlfriend. During my 
last weekend visit, I wanted to do some- 
thing romantic. I bought her an ex 
sive dinner, then handed her a cai 
contained a hotel key. Inside the room, I 
had rose petals leading to the bed, cham- 
pagne on ice, strawberries in the refrig- 
erator and a change of clothes in the 
closet for her to wear the next morning 
This took a month to put together. Her 
reaction wasn't negative, but she was not 
as appreciative as 1 had hoped. I have 
come to realize that she vill never be as 
committed or as thoughtful to me as I 
am to her. I don't know what to do. I 
want to remain friends, but I also want 
her to understand what | am going 
through. I need some advice on how to 
proceed.—M.E., Fort Wayne, Indiana 

You're coming on too strong ("Look what 
Tue done for you. Love me!”), and our guess 
is that your girlfriend is burdened with your 
efforts to woo her. Schedule a heari-to-heart, 
but don't be surprised if she’s ready to move 
on. You may be too, 


Wears ago I read an article in eravsov 
about handheld showerheads, and I 
bought one called the Wizard for some 
erotic fun with my girlfriends. It sure 
has been a wizard at getting women off. 
1 mounted it on a flexible hose and have 
been rewarded һ more fun and ex- 
citement than you can imagine. There's 
something to be about the gentle 
persistence of a stream of warm water. 
The unit has a knob that allows you to 
adjust the pressure from “fire hose” to 
fine mist. After all these years it has start- 


ed to leak. Do you know where I might 
find another?—D.S., Baltimore, Maryland 

We featured five water massagers in a 
February 1979 article called “Shower Pow- 
er.” Little did we know we would change 
your bathroom into an Orgasmatron. Sadly, 
we couldn't track down the Wizard. But wa- 
ter massagers are more popular than ever, 
and there is a variety of models available 
(the Relaxa Plus from Grohe deserves a look 
if only because of its motto: Shower With 
Pleasure). The next best thing to the Wizard 
may be the Watersports shower altachment 
available from Renaissance Discovery (888- 
736-0055, or sexhealth.org). The attach- 
ment consists of a six-foot flexible steel hose 
and a water pressure regulator, along with 
one of two plastic heads: The first model di- 
rects the waler through seven holes along a 
tapered tip, the second resembles a miniature 
metal showerhead. (A “fire hose” version was 
discontinued because of complaints it was 
too powerful.) If you're serious about good 
clean fun, check out the Fontaine shower 
massage unit at ware. showershop.com. We 
got steamy just looking at it 


WI, girlfriend has always been hesitant 
to have sex doggie style because she 
finds it impersonal. How can I convince 
her?—R.W., Buffalo, New York 

Doggie style can be impersonal if you don't 
let your hands wander. It also can be highty 
arousing for a woman because it allows the 
guy to stimulate her G-spot and rub her back 
at the same lime. Try this: Sit on a chair and 
ask your girlfriend to lower herself onto your 
erection while facing away from you (if nec- 
essary, scoot your butt forward on the seat). 
She can place her hands on your thighs to 
balance herself. In this position, she can con- 
trol the depth, speed and direction of your 
cock without placing pressure on your pelvis 
or thighs. (It resembles а blow job—wel, 
warm and weightless.) Meanwhile, you can 
keep it personal by veaching around her body 
and fondling her clitoris and breasts. You al- 
so can kiss her back and neck, whisper dirty 
nothings or play with her ass. We call it the 
front-row fuck. Why? Because you're shar- 
ing the best seat in the house. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette— will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. or ad 
visor@ playboy.com (because of volume, we 
cannot respond to all e-mail inquiries). Look 
for responses to our most frequently asked 
questions at www. playboy.com/faq, and 
check out the Advisor's latest collection of sex 
tricks, “365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life” 
(Plume), available in bookstores or by phon- 
ing 800-123-9494. 


With his taste and good looks, 
Vasco da Gama is welcome everywhere. 


Introducing Vasco da Gama. Premium tobaccos, aromatic 
cedar sleeves, and a surprisingly affordable price make this fine 
cigar a pleasurable addition. Anytime. Any place. Enjoy the light 

claro wrapper or the milder, dark maduro version. 


© 1998 Swedish Match Nor Amen lc 


n 1935, when the U.S. govern- 
ment began its Social Security 
program, the nine-digit num- 
ber assigned to each taxpayer 
seemed innocent enough. Today, citi- 
zens are asked to provide the number 
not only to claim benefits but to ob- 
tain a tax refund, health insurance, 
credit and, soon, a driver's license. 
The transformation of the Social 
Security number into a de facto na- 
tional ID is an example of function 
creep. Collected for one purpose, da- 
ta are eventually used for another. In- 
formation is confidential only until 
the government decides it's not. Here 
are some examples of how function 
creep works: 


0 Automated Toll 


It's a wonderful con- 
venience. Rather than 
fumble for change at a 
toll booth, you fly by. 
A sensor scans a marker 
on the windshield or de- 
tects a device under your 
dash. The date, time and 
vehicle owner's name 
are recorded in a data- 
base. A bill arrives in the 
mail each month. 

The existence of all 
that data has tempted police and 
prosecutors. Initially, the Triborough 
Bridge and Tunnel Authority in New 
York promised drivers that automat- 
ed toll records would be surrendered 
only under court order. A few months 
later, police investigating a murder in 
Brooklyn demanded to see toll rec- 
ords. A judge ordered the authority 
to turn over the records. 

Since then, the authority has pro- 
vided police with toll pass records 
for dozens of criminal investigations. 
The authority says its policy is to 
supply information only for serious 
crimes, but privacy advocates are 
concerned. Will toll records soon be 
available for divorces, lawsuits and 
other civil cases? Will suspicious 
spouses and stalkers be able to obtain 
toll data, citing freedom of informa- 
tion laws that apply to government 
records? Would you be surprised? 

If you think the simple solution is 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


LEAKING DATA 


how function creep threatens your privacy 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


to pay cash, don't visit New Jersey. In 
an effort to catch toll cheats, the Gar- 
den State will videotape and store 
the license plate number of each vehi- 
cle passing through the booths. Like 
their colleagues across the bridge, 
Jersey turnpike officials promise the 
videos won't be used for any purpose 
other than catching cheaters. That is, 
until they think of one. 


| Biometrics 

What could be a better form of 
identification than parts of your 
body? Computer scanners can iden- 
tify your fingerprints, thumbprints, 
hand shape, iris pattern, retinas, face, 


signature, voice, the veins in your 
arm, even your body odor. Thousands 


of locations, including airports, day 
and sperm banks, re- 
iduals to offer their bodies 
y. Biometrics are used to 
verify the identities of cruise ship pas- 
sengers, casino gamblers, credit card 
applicants, bank customers, immi- 
grants and even passholders at Disney 
World. In coming years, our parts 
will be increasingly scanned and the 
images traded and sold among busi- 
nesses and government agencies as 
identity markers. 

The government has big plans for 
biometrics. At the National Security 
Agency, a group called the Biometric 
Consortium is working to fulfill its 
mission “to increase the availability of 
biometric authentication and idenufi- 
cation.” State governments hope to 
collect and share the digital finger- 
prints of anyone who accepts welfare. 
Who will control your bioscans, and 
who will have access to them? 


New Hires base [| 

Created by the Welfare Reform Act 
of 1996, this database is designed to 
track parents who cross state lines to 
avoid paying child support. Employ- 
ers are required to furnish the name, 
Social Security number and home ad- 
dress of each new hire. That infor- 
mation is compared against existing 
databases of deadbeat parents, and 
when a match is made, the employer 
must withhold support payments. 

The law requires that employers 
transmit quarterly wage and unem- 
ployment claims for every worker, 
regardless of whether he or she is a 
deadbeat parent, or even a parent. 
Like toll pass records, this informa- 
tion is too enticing to have escaped 
the attention of other 
government agencies. 
The I.R.S. hopes to use 
the database to collect de- 
linquent taxes, and oth- 
er agencies such as the 
Justice Department al- 
so will have access. Let's 
hope the information is 
accurate. The Los Angeles 
Times documented nu- 
merous cases in which 
inaccurate data in the 
city's deadbeat records 
fingered the wrong man 
and entangled him in a bureaucratic 
nightmare. And what prevents police 
and government workers from ille- 
gally providing information from this 
database to any private detective who 
fronts the right money? They already 
do that with about every database in 
existence. 


Some privacy advocates believe a 
federal privacy agency should moni- 
tor government use of personal data. 
Vice President Al Gore wants the of- 
fice of Management and Budget to 
handle the job. Neither plan is reas- 
suring. “The government has become 
so large and intrusive that soon our 
only protection may be the informa- 
tion that it doesn't have,” says Steve 
Dasbach, national director of the Lib- 
ertarian Party. “If politicians cared at 
all about privacy, they would abolish 
databases rather than create new ones.” 


LIKE FOUNI 


“I sent for the wench to clean my 
room, and when J came in I kissed her 
and felt her, for which God forgive 
me.”—The Secret Diary of William Byrd of 
Westover, 1709-1712 


© FATHER, LIKE SON 


FOUNDING FATHER, 
TAKE TWO. 


Even the Puri- 
tans were more 
forgiving than 
the prissy Ken- 
neth Starr. Sam- 
uel Terry was as 
given to showing 
his penis in inap- 
propriate places 
as was President 
Clinton. In 1650, 
according to John 
D’Emilio and Es- 
telle Freedman's 
Intimate Matters: 
A History of Sex- 
uality in America, 
Terry stood outside the meetinghouse 
in Springfield, Massachusetts “chafing 
his yard to provoak lust.” Masturbating 
during a Sunday sermon earned him 
several lashes on the back. Records 
show that Terry also paid fines for sex- 
ual misconduct (“his bride of five 
months gave birth to their first child, 
clear evidence that the pair had in- 
dulged in premarital intercourse”) and 
for performing in an “immodest and 
beastly” play. 

Then, the fine for sexual misconduct 
was £4. (Today, the legal bill alone can 
run into the millions.) “Despite this his- 
tory of sexual offenses,” write D'Emilio 
and Freedman, “a sinner like Samuel 
Terry could command respect among 
his peers. Terry not only served as a 
town constable, but the court also en- 
trusted him with the custody of anoth- 
er man's infant son. In short, as long as 
he accepted punishment for his trans- 
gressions, Samuel Terry remained a 
citizen in good standing.” 

Of course, if we had a yard to chafe, 
we'd run for president. 


MAY WE HAVE THE ENVELOPE? 


Yeah, yeah. We noted the irony. Con- 
gress voted to keep smut off the Inter- 
net but then voted to release the Starr 
report online. And we know the num- 
bers: 445 pages, 119,059 words, 92 


mentions of oral sex, 62 references to 
breasts, 89 appearances of the word 
genitalia, 29 citings of phone sex and 
19 of semen. Judge Starr is a man titil- 
lated by words such as bra, unzipped 
and cigar (27 references alone). We can 
picture him running a mouse over his 


naked body. Any day we expect to see a 
letter that asks, “How do I clean semen 
from my keyboard?” 

This was supposed to be government 
porn; a salacious document you could 
masturbate to. It wasn't. The Meese 
Commission report wins 
hands down. And up. 
And down. 


SLICK WILLIE 


The Starr report pre- 
sents an almost touch- 
ing picture of Clinton. 
He is pure Southern 
Baptist, struggling with 
temptation and failing. 
That it took some ten 
encounters before there 
was even brief genital- 
to-genital contact sug- 
gests not a lothario but 
a bumbling Boy Scout. 


Fo R U m Ш 
iD LOVERS ( ) 


a $40 million dime novel 


ends up going after Michael Douglas, 
his wife and ıhe family rabbit wich a 
butcher knife. 

(b) Clerks, in which a bunch of slack- 
ers argue over whether blow jobs count 
as real sex. 

(c) The English Patient, in which two 
lovers have reckless sex in a room some 
20 feet from an unsuspecting spouse. 

Correct answer: (c) If you recall, the 
hero ends up in the burn unit. The 
Starr report's sole purpose is to turn 
Clinton into toast. 


NOW WE BELIEVE HE DIDN'T INHALE 

And she didn't swallow. Monica per- 
formed oral sex seven times before 
Clinton allowed himself to come. When 
he did, he felt sick. He came one more 
time. She came twice. 

This is the best the leader of the free 
world can do? 


PHRASE MOST LIKELY TO ENTER 
THE VOCABULARY 


An aide to the president thought 
Monica was getting a lot of “face time." 


AD CAMPAIGNS WE EXPECT 


The Gap will do something about 
that little blue number. The launder- 
ing instructions will be changed from 
DRY CLEAN ONLY tO DRY CLEAN EARLY AND 


He was courteous ("May 
I kiss you?") and cau- 
tious ("This could be a 
problem"). Who would have guessed? 


CHOOSE THE MOVIE 
Which film most accurately describes 
the Starr report? 
(a) Fatal Attraction, in which a psy- 
chotic career woman tries to turn a sex- 
ual encounter into a relationship and 


OFTEN. Radio Shack will recruit Linda 
Tripp as a spokesperson for room-bug- 
ging devices: “For $29.95, you too can 
bring down the government!" 


PRESIDENTIAL SEX TRICKS 


Parson Starr dwells loathingly on 
Monica's story that the president 


flavored a cigar with her vaginal juices, 
as though “sex with objects” were an 
un-American activity. Any reader of 
Anais Nin knows the story of the artist 
who would place a warm pipe against 
his lover's cunt so that it seemed “as if it 
had been dipped in peach juice. 

Starr spent more than $40 million to 
instruct America in the sexual uses of 
Altoids breath mints. Oddly, in the 
same month the report came out, The 
Playboy Advisor ran an item on using Al- 
toids to improve oral sex (calling them 
overrated but worth the experiment). 
Years ago, we described a sex trick 
called the Pepsodent blow job (in which 
the giver puts a dab of mint-flavored 
toothpaste in her mouth). Shortly 
thereafter, we heard a rumor that a 
candidate for federal office was having 
an affair with a woman 
who would give him Pep- 
sodent blow jobs in the 
backseats of limousines. 
We never pursued this— 
after all, a politician's pri- 
vate life was his own. 


HEF ON THE PLAYBOY 
PRESIDENT 


“Clinton is по JFK. Mon- 
ica is no Marilyn Monroe. 
Sex is part of the fabric of 
life. The great presidents 
of the century—from Roo- 
sevelt to Kennedy—had 
mistresses. Do we really 
want to make marital fi- 
delity a test for public of- 
fice? We elected Clinton to 
be President, not Pope.” 


HOW MANY SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS CAN 
DANCE ON THE HEAD OF А PENIS} 


"The Starr report maintains that Cli 
ton lied in his Paula Jones deposit 
when he denied having "a sexual affair' 
or "a sexual relationship" or "sexual re- 
lations.” Any recent survey shows that 
most people have had far more sexual 
partners than they have had “affairs” or 
“relationships.” A one-night stand 
not a relationship. Hugh Grant's fling 
with Divine Brown wasn't an affair. 

Clinton defined real sex like this: It's 
not real if you are fully clothed. It's not 
real if you aren't performing inter- 

: you don't come. 
Real sex is naked intercourse. 
hat definition is as old as America. 
Thanks to Puritan lawmakers, the only 
form of legal sex for centuries was in- 
tercourse for the purpose of procre- 
ation in a relationship sanctioned by 
church and state. Anything else was 
criminal, with such tasty names as that 
“abominable, detestable crime against 


nature” or “the crime unfit to be 
named.” Starr would have us believe 
Clinton obstructed justice, committed 
perjury and split hairs. Imagine a de- 
fense that went, “We weren't having 
sex, we were committing acrime against 
nature.” Sodomy is not grounds for 
impeachment. 


WORD LEAST LIKELY TO CROSS OVER 
TO THE MAINSTREAM 


The Starr report accuses the presi- 
dent and his team of lawyers of “pars- 
ing." How many of you looked up the 
word? On the other hand, “touching 
with intent” may become a trend crime 
of its own. Whatever it is, Clinton did 
it well enough to win the approval of 
most Americans who watched the four- 
hour videotape. 


ANEW PROTOCOL, 


We learned that Monica and Bill tus- 
sled and kept Yasir Arafat waiting! Hey, 
maybe that’s perfectly proper in the 
grand order of things. That twit should 
be kept waiting. Let the State Depart- 
ment issue new orders: a mandatory 
blow job before receiving any foreign 
head. Full-body massage and mastur- 
bation to climax before dealing with 
the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 


THE PHONE THING 


Be honest now. How many of you 
have had oral sex performed on you 
while talking to someone on the phone? 
How many of you went out and tried it 
after reading the Starr report? Did any 
of the congressmen tagged by Starr as 
the victims of Clinton's office sex real- 
ly deserve the president's undivided 
attention? 


CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON 


If someone had demanded that a 
founding father “list any women other 
than your wife with whom you have 


had, proposed having or sought to 
have sexual relations,” he would have 
been slapped in the face, asked to 
name a second and then been impaled 
on a rapier at dawn. 

What happened to the code of hon- 
or, where a gentleman doesn't discuss 
his or another man's lovers? 


OBSTRUCTION OF INJUSTICE 


Paula Jones never had a case. Even if 
the events she described truly hap- 
pened, they did not constitute sexual 
harassment. A single unwanted sexual 
overture is not sexual harassment. Mil- 
lions of Americans desire people who 
don't desire them back. This is called 
unrequited love and it is the stuff of 
country-and-western songs. When 
Paula Jones tried to turn a Clinton 
come-on into money and 
a better job in California, 
that was sexual harass- 
ment—a quid pro quo 
form of sexual extortion. 

All of this started be- 
cause of the theory that 
harassers follow patterns. 
This theory gave lawyers 
the right of discovery, the 
right to conduct a wild- 
goose chase through Clin- 
ton's Rolodex. Clinton, to 
his credit, resisted the at- 
tempt to “criminalize his 
private life.” As should 
every American. Consen- 
sual sex is not evidence of 
wrongdoing. Discretion is 
not obstruction of justice. 


ON THE OTHER HAND 


Can you say “discretion”? Monica 
Lewinsky told 11 people about the af- 
fair, including a therapist who had a 
best-seller in the Eighties called Nice 
Girls Do. 

The Starr report presents a perfect 
case of sexual harassment. After put- 
ting on her presidential kneepads, 
Monica besieged Clinton with calls, 
notes and threatening letters, demand- 
ing a better job. 

Clinton tried to get her a job outside 
Washington, not to evade Ken Starr or 
Paula Jones’ lawyers but simply to get 
her to shut up. Katie Roiphe, writing in 
The New York Times, spotted this reverse 
exploitation: “There should be a term 
connoting the opposite of sexual ha- 
rassment; When a person of less pow- 
er uses her sexual attractiveness or 
personal relationship with a person of 
greater power to get ahead.” 

Gee, a modern woman who sucks 
her way to the top—don't we have a 
word for her? —JAMES R. PETERSEN 


55 


56 


R E 


THE WAR ON DRUGS 

This past summer my wife 
and I were moving to Ohio 
from Florida. While driving 
through South Carolina, we 
passed а drug checkpoint, and 
minutes later we were pulled 
over by the police, supposed- 
ly because we had a flickering 
turn signal. The officers insist- 
ed on searching our van and 
trailer, and when we objected, 
one asked us what we had to 
hide. Another officer brought 
out a police dog, which circled 
our vehicles but smelled noth- 
ing (since there was nothing 
there). The officer proceeded 
to smack our door on the driv- 
er's side and the dog jumped 
Claiming the dog had "alerte: 
to the presence of drugs, the of- 
ficers then ransacked our van. 

When the officers discovered 
one of my legal firearms, my 
wife and I were handcuffed, 
even though we informed them 
that I had had three back sur- 
geries and needed a fourth. 
‘They ignored us and cuffed my 
hands behind my back. 

When we got to the check- 
point my wife and 1 were left 
cuffed for two hours in 100-de- 
gree heat. While waiting, I no- 
ticed that everyone detained at 
the stop had long hair or was 
black or Latino. 

After our van was thoroughly 
searched and the police found 
no drugs, the sheriff asked why 
1 hadn't informed him that 1 
worked for the federal govern- 
ment (I am a disabled air traf- 
fic controller). What difference 
would that have made? Our 
van was damaged and I was left 
with severe back pain. 

After we arrived in Ohio, we 
spotted the state police doing 
the same type of searches on 
highway travelers. 

This experience has left me 
turbing memories and 
s. Are the police look- 


2d 


LL eme: 
FOR THE RECORD 


Guilty Until Nude 


"How do Customs inspectors at O'Hare Inter- 
national Airport in Chicago choose which pas- 
sengers to search for drugs? 

"Customs admits the process is subjective. 
"Take a look at these guidelines we found in Cus- 
toms’ internal training manual: 

* Suspect is overly talkative or does not 

converse 

* Suspect is unusually cool or exhibits 

nervousness 

© Suspect is overdressed or wears a reveal- 

ing dress 

"In other words, give the wrong impression, 
and you could find yourself strip-searched." 

—FROM A REPORT BY RENEE FERGUSON, А JOURNAL- 

IST WITH CHICAGOS WMAQ-TV. FOLLOWING AL- 
LEGATIONS THAT CUSTOMS AGENTS AT O'HARE 
AIRPORT TARGETED BLACK WOMEN FOR STRIP 
SEARCHES, FERGUSON EXAMINED THE NUMBERS. 
OF THE 104 PEOPLE STRIP-SEARCHED AT O'HARE IN 
1997, TWO OF THREE WERE WOMEN AND NEARLY 
HALF WERE BLACK WOMEN. THREE QUARTERS OF 
THE 104 PEOPLE ORDERED TO DISROBE HAD NO 
DRUGS. OVERALL, CUSTOMS AGENTS IN CHICAGO 
SEARCHED THE LUGGAGE OR CLOTHING OF MORE 
THAN 31,000 TRAVELERS IN 1997; OF THIS NUMBER 
ONLY 61 WERE FOUND WITH DRUGS. 


E R 


sign. They searched his car but 
found no drugs. What they did 
find was a plastic bag containing 
$30,060 in cash. When the officers 
showed the money to a police dog, it 
barked. That was all a prosecutor. 
needed to allege that the cash was 
tainted with trace amounts of drugs 
(as is most U.S. currency in major 
cities). It took Alexander nearly five 
years to get his money back. 


Is there evidence that mar- 
ijuana is a gateway to narcot- 
ics? If so, what percentage of 
pot smokers graduate to hard 
drugs? Dealers are savvy busi- 
nesspeople who know they can 
make the most profit by selling 
narcotics. Maybe they use the 
gateway concept to their advan- 
tage by persuading marijua- 
na users to graduate to more 
expensive drugs. During Pro- 
hibition, beer drinkers were 
persuaded to become whiskey 
drinkers. Is the same thing 
happening with drugs? 

Mike Bell 
Enid, Oklahoma 

Hardly. The huge majority of 
marijuana smokers never move on 
to narcotics. As Mike Gray points 
out in “Drug Crazy,” his excellent 
book on the futility of the drug war, 
government figures show that of the 
70 million Americans who have 
smoked weed, “98 percent don't end 
up on anything harder than marti- 
nis.” The gateway argument in 
volves flawed logic. If you asked the 
estimated 582,000 frequent cocaine 
users und 196,000 frequent heroin 
users in this country if they had ev- 
er tried marijuana, most if not all 
would say yes. Therefore, smoking 
marijuana must lead to the use of 
narcotics. Using the same logic, if 
you asked a sampling of cigarette 
smokers if they had ever had sex, 
you could conclude that sex leads to 
cigarelle smoking. 


DRUG WAR BACKLASH 
In his letter to The Playboy Fo- 


ing for excuses to confiscate our as- 
sets? What's next? Door-to-door strip 
searches? 
Michael Guy 
Johnstown, Ohio 
The war on drugs has given police wide 
latitude in searching motorists; in most cas- 


es, they need only to have "probable cause,” 
the most relaxed of legal standards, to search 
for contraband. If it's any consolation, 
be grateful the officers didn't seize every- 
thing you own, including your cash. A few 
years ago in Los Angeles, police stopped Al- 
bert Alexander, claiming he had run a stop 


rum (“Backlash Responses,” Reader Re- 
Sponse, August), Gary Beatty attempts 
to justify the life sentence given to first- 
time, nonviolent drug offender David 
Correa. I first became aware of David's 
plight in 1994. I was so outraged, 1 de- 
cided to write him in prison to let him 


R E S 


P O 


N а 


know there are people on the outside 
who care. We've since become good 
friends. 

Despite what Beatty says, David nev- 
er claimed to be an “innocent casualty” 
of the drug war. Instead, he described 
his ordeal as a “horror story.” David 
admits that he transported 495 grams 
of powder cocaine as a favor for a 
friend who turned out to be a govern- 
ment informant—a crime that should 
have warranted a sentence of no more 
than five years. Instead, he was given a 
life sentence because of trumped-up 
conspiracy charges. 

Beatty tries to defend the govern- 
ment's position by bringing up the ma- 
chine guns, grenades, silencers and 
ammunition found David's home. 
He neglects to mention that David was 
a BATF-licensed firearms dealer and 
that the only weapons charges he faced 
stemmed from the grenades. Had the 
other weapons been illegal, they would 
have been seized immediately as con- 
traband items. 

Beatty's implication that David was 
involved in a drug-related murder is 
hearsay. In David's presentencing re- 
port, the victim is listed as “none.” Life 
without parole in a case where there is 
no victim—is that reflective of a civil 
society? 

Beatty writes that he would not at- 
tempt to defend the drug war. He de- 
serves some credit for that. There is no 
defense. 


William Perry 
Bethesda, Maryland 


CONVERTING GAYS 

Readers of The Playboy Forum may 
have noticed the ads placed in newspa- 
past summer by 25 conserva- 
tive Christian groups. The ads claimed 
that homosexuals can become hetero- 
sexual through prayer. Rescarchers 
have been unable to identify the factors 
that determine sexual orientation, but 
they are certain it can't be changed. 
Homosexuality is not a sin. It's not a 
disease. It’s not an addiction. And it's 
not a choice. 

These so-called Chi 
volved in a nasty business. Their cam- 
paign is carefully orchestrated to give 
them an issue they hope will translate 
into political gains. Then they can fi- 
nally push their social agenda on the 
rest of us. 


Iver Bogen 
Duluth, Minnesota 


THE VIAGRA CURE 

Marty Klein suggests in “Store- 
Bought Erections” (The Playboy Forum, 
September) that Viagra overcomes 
psychological problems. He’s wrong. It 
overcomes physical problems. I take 
Viagra and it works fine for me. 

For years we have heard that impo- 
tence is a psychological problem that 
can be solved by talking about it. Now 
that a pill debunks that argument, I 
can see why psychologists have objec- 
tions. It invalidates most of their theo- 
ries about male sexual dysfunction. 

Don Sanders 
Baytown, Texas 


THE DRUG MARIJUANA 

1 must applaud Dr. Lester Grin- 
spoon for the most telling and incisive 
article I have ever read on marijua- 
na (“Prescribing the Forbidden Medi- 
cine," The Playboy Forum, August). 1 had 
no idea it had such medicinal proper- 
ties, which makes its narcotics classifica- 
tion all the more ludicrous. 

After reading the piece and sharing 
it with my fiancéc, we discussed wheth- 
er or not we'd go out and buy pot 
for someone we loved who needed it 
to treat chemotherapy side effects, or 
glaucoma, or some other serious illness 
or condition. Our answer was an un- 
qualified yes, despite the fact that nei- 
ther one of us endorses recreational 
use of the drug. 

If every member of the Food and 
Drug Administration and the Drug En- 


graved with tiny crosses and individually 
wrapped in ane of 40 Bible verses. 
Mare than 4 million packages 
have been sold. Testamints 
core avollable at узус б мо; 
fovorite Christian ГА 


What wauld Jesus da—if he had bad breath? Each 
package af Testamints cantains 12 mints en- 


forcement Administration had a family 
member in pain from cancer and knew 
relief was available, marijuana's classifi- 
cation would be changed. 1 hope the 
word—and strong statements such as 
Grinspoon's—will reach the right peo- 
ple before another person is forced to 
suffer the agony of disease at the hands 
of bureaucracy. 

David Abolafia 

Queens, New York 


SEX ACROSS THE AGES 
In his letter to The Playboy Forum 
(“Washington Sex Tour,” Reader Re- 
sponse, August), Curtis Brown defends 
President Clinton's sexual escapades. 
He writes, "Thank God we have a pres- 
ident who is hornicr than thou instead. 
of one who is a geriatric hypocrite." 
People who use the word geriatric as 
a pejorative are—if they live long 
enough—in for a sad surprise. Not 
every person born before Hugh Hef- 
ner is a sex-negative troglodyte, and 
not every person born after he was is 
an enlightened libertine. 
Craig Sheerin 
Old Town, Maine 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
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Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime telephone number. Fax number: 
312-951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy. 
com (please include your city and state) 


7 X 


57 


58 


HE LEFT, MOM 


WHY DO YOU MEN ENJOY LOOKING AT THESE KINDS 
OF PICTURES? | DON'T GET IT 


playboy makes 
the funny papers 


1 TOLD HIM TO PICK UP 


CARTOONIST’S 
NOTEBOOK 


SOMETIMES | WONDER 
WHAT THAT BOY IS 
THINKING ABOU- 


HIS ROOM! 


A 


TO IMPOSSIBLE PERFECTION. THOSE SEXY LOOKS AND LACY 


OUTFITS ARE PURE FANTASY 


WHEN | WAS BRAD'S AGE, I HID PLAYBOY 


IN MY ROOM. YET 1 TURNED OUT FINE! 
WHATEVER, BUT THAT'S 


NOT WHAT WORRIES ME 


1 DON'T WANT OUR|/ HONEY, HELL 00 
SON THINKING IT'S! IT EVEN WITHOUT 
OK TO OBJECTIFY |THE PICTURES. IT'S 
WOMEN THIS WAY HOW BOYS ARE 
DRAWN TO GIRLS: 

"OBJECT OF 

DESIRE 


THERE'S A GOOD ARTICLE ON 
“PERSONAL 


FREEDOMS IN 
AMERICA fe ar 
D READ 


THIS FROM (нє READ AN 
A GIRL? ARTICLE? 


THE KING'S RICHES 


when does a fine become excessive? 


he Eighth Amendment of the 

Constitution reads: “Excessive 

bail shall not be required, nor 

excessive fines imposed, nor 
cruel and unusual punishments in- 
flicted.” This past summer, for the 
first time, the Supreme Court defined 
“excessive” as it pertains to the impo- 
sition of criminal fines. 

The case before the Court, U.S. vs. 
Bajakajian, began in 1994, when Cus- 
toms agents seized $357,144 in cash 
from a Los Angeles resident traveling 
with his family through LAX on the 
way to Cyprus. Hosep Bajakajian, a 
Syrian immigrant, intended to repay 
loans to relatives abroad who had in- 
vested in his gas station business. 
He and his wife had hidden the 
money deep in their luggage be- 
cause they feared that overseas 
customs agents would steal it. 

U.S. Customs agents found the 
currency first. They noted that 
Bajakajian had failed to file Cus- 
toms Form 4790, which is re- 
quired of anyone who is taking 
more than $10,000 in cash out of 
the country. The government, af- 
ter what must have been careful 
deliberation, determined that the 
fine for this oversight should be 
precisely $357,144. (Bajakajian is 
not alone. In fiscal 1997, Customs 
agents seized $236 million from 
travelers leaving the country.) Two 
federal courts found in Bajaka- 
jian's favor, more or less: They 
lowered the forfeiture to $15,000, 
ordered the maximum fine un- 
der sentencing guidelines ($5000) 
and sentenced him to three years’ 
probation. 

The Justice Department expressed 
outrage at such coddling of a paper- 
work criminal. It appealed to the 
Supreme Court. During oral argu- 
ments, a Justice Department lawyer 
declared that any time a person takes 
more than $10,000 from the country 
without filing the proper form, “we 
have a dangerous situation on our 
hands.” 

In a brief, the government also 
made the casc that seizing undeclared 
currency prevents crime. Here's how: 
“Forfeiture encourages persons to in- 
form the government they are trans- 


By JAMES BOVARD 


porting more than $10,000 outside 
the country and prevents such money 
from being used in circumvention of 
requirements in the future.” Using 
the same reasoning, Uncle Sam could 
confiscate the contents of your bank 
account to prevent you from making 
any illicit purchases. 

The question facing the Supreme 
Court was: Is all of Bajakajian's mon- 
ey, as a fine, too much of his money? 
The government conceded the gas 
station owner had earned the cash 

lawfully, but in its de- 
fense said that he 


had broken the 
law by not de- 
claring it. Therefore the government 
deserved the money because of its 
far-reaching authority to seize nearly 
any property involved in illegal activ- 
ity. When pressed by the justices to 
cite a crime that would be exempt 
from forfeiture, a government lawyer 
said that a parking violation might 
not be enough to allow Uncle Sam to 
take your property. 

By the narrowest of margins, the 
Supreme Court rejected this anti- 
quated view. Writing for the majority 


in a 5-4 split, Clarence Thomas de- 
clared that “a punitive forfeiture vio- 
lates the excessive fines clause if it is 
grossly disproportional to the gravity 
of a defendant's offense." The govern- 
ment had not made its case that his 
cash created a “dangerous situation.” 

Thomas also stressed that, histor- 
ically, “the theory behind such for- 
feitures was the fiction that the action 
is directed against ‘guilty property,” 
rather than against the offender.” 
This medieval concept is one of the 
chief absurdities of forfeiture law: Be- 
cause cash, boats, cars and homes 
have no legal standing, seizing them 
doesn’t violate anyone’s rights. The 
Bajakajian decision could signal a 
landmark shift, combining respect 
for property rights with traditional 
concerns over civil liberties. 

Elsewhere in his opinion, Thom- 
as noted that the forfeiture of Ba- 
jakajian's cash “bears no correla- 
tion to any injury suffered by the 
government.” He didn't develop 
the thought further, but it is a fas: 
cinating standard. If widely adopt- 
ed, it could undermine the penal 
ties doled out for many consensual 
or nonviolent offenses such as fire- 
arms or drug possession, prostitu- 
tion and gambling. 

The four justices who voted 
against returning Bajakajian's cash 
invoked a 14th century English 
statute that authorized the confi 
cation of gold and silver expor 

ed without a license. Unfortu- 

nately, some of the Court's 

conservative justices seem to 
believe that whatever is good for 
law enforcement is good for America. 
“Forfeiture of the money involved in 
the offense would compensate for the 
investigative and enforcement ex- 
penses of the Customs Service,” wrote 
Justice Anthony Kennedy. (In other 
words, if the government decides to 
spy on you, it can seize your posses- 
sions to cover the cost of spying on 
you.) Kennedy lamented that in this 
case, “the majority in effect approves 
a meager $15,000 forfeiture.” Ki 
nedy and the other dissenters appar- 
ently never considered whether the 
government deserved a cent of the 
man's money. 


59 


N E W 


5 F R 


O N T 


what’s happening in the sexual and social arenas 


ЧОНАЙ © 
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA—Six women 
asked a federal judge to block a state law 


that bans the sale of vibrators, dildos and 
other sex toys. The statute makes it a crime 


punishable by a $10,000 maximum fine 
or up to a year in jail to distribute “any de- 
vice designed or marketed as useful pri- 
marily for the stimulation of human geni- 
tal organs.” (Mere possession of sex toys 
remains legal.) The law passed after being 
added to a bill oullawing strip clubs m a 
northern Alabama county. “No one wants 
the government in their bedroom,” said 
Sherri Williams, one of the plaintiffs. She 
owns two stores in Alabama that sell sex 
loys. Another plaintiff sold toys through in- 
home parties; the others say they need sexu- 
al aids to reach orgasm. The ACLU, which 
filed the suit for the women, says the law 


violales their right to privacy. 


RHYMES WITH HYSTERIA =~ 


SANDY, UTAH—An elementary school 
principal suspended an eight-year-old for 
three days after the boy composed a ditty 
that rhymed “Venus” with "penis." A fe- 
male classmate overheard the impromp- 
tu verse and told her parents, who com- 
plained. The principal told “The Salt 
Lake Tribune” she suspended the boy for 
sexual harassment because the word penis 
had made the girl uncomfortable. An assis- 
tant superintendent refused to recite the 

m to a "Tribune" reporter, saying: “Га 
blush to tell you what he said. Гое been in 


this business for 25 years and this is the 
worst I've ever heard." 


MORE ON SILICONE 


LONDON—A panel of scientists appoint- 
ed to review evidence that silicone breast 
implants cause long-term illnesses con- 
cluded that women have no need to worry. 
The seven scientists, appointed to a review 
panel by the government health minister, 
said they could find no conclusive evidence 
that silicone causes immune system disor- 
ders or other serious illnesses. They ad- 
vised, however, that doctors give patients 
more information about the risks of hard- 
ening, ruplure and breast infection. Sili- 
cone implants for cosmetic surgery have 
been banned in the U.S. since 1992, but 
the UK has no restrictions. 


RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA—The stale 
supreme court voted 6-1 to deny a gay 
man custody of his two sons because he ad- 
mitted having sex with his live-in boy- 
friend. Fred Smith took custody of his sons 
in 1991 after his wife left him for another 
man and moved to Kansas. Soon after, 
Smith says, he realized he was gay. His 
boyfriend moved in a few years later, and 
Smith's ex-wife tried to take custody of the 
boys. Smith and his partner told the judges 
they had oral sex behind closed doors but 
kissed in front of the boys, now ten and 13. 
The court insisted it was not taking Smith's 
sons because he is gay but rather because 
he is an “improper influence” —specifical- 
ly, because he has sex outside of marriage 
and keeps photos of drag queens in a box 
in his closet. The ruling may be broad 
enough to apply to straight people who are 
divorced and own adult magazines or 
videos or have dates spend the night. 


ҮШ MARIJUANA = 


LAS VEGAS—Organizers worked for 
months to gather the 46,764 signatures 
needed to put a medical marijuana inilia- 
tive on the November ballot, but election 
officials who checked the petition said it fell 
short by 43 names. Afler Americans for 
Medical Rights asked for a recount, offi- 
cials discovered 30 names that had been 
overlooked and validated 46 previously re- 
jected. If the initiative is approved this fall 
and again in 2000, an amendment to the 
Nevada constitution will allow seriously ill 


patients to smoke marijuana for relief. Vot- 
ers in Alaska, Oregon and Washington 
will consider similar initiatives; Oregon 
voters also will weigh a legislative effort to 
criminalize the possession of an ounce or 
less of weed. 

BETHESDA, MARYLAND—A chemical in 
marijuana may protect brain cells from the 
effects of a stroke, according to scientists at 
the National Institutes of Health. In ex- 
periments with rat neurons, researchers 
found that cannabidiol prevented more 
than half of the brain cell death associated 
with stroke. If the findings are confirmed, 
the hope is that cannabidiol can limit brain 
damage in victims of stroke, heart attack, 
Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. 


-— THEFRIENDIVSKIES — 

PORTLAND, OREGON—A group of about 
150 graduating high school students 
turned a chartered flight to Mexico into a 
rowdy celebration that included a wet 
T-shirt contest. The Federal Aviation Ad- 
ministration launched an investigation af- 
ler receiving a complaint from a parent 
who heard about the debauchery. One par- 
ticipant shot a shaky video that showed a 
male fight altendant announcing, "Con- 
testant number five, please! Some waler 
for contestant number five. She's dry!” 
Witnesses also said several girls entered the 


cockpit so the pilots could cast their votes. 
One 18-year-old, sounding like he got his 
money's worth, told the Associated Press, 
“The wet T-shirt contest was a pretty high 
moment far me. I will probably never see 
something like that on a plane again.” 


ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN THE STATE OF Ç 


Kx, 


y 


TA 


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Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
үш. And May Complicate Pregnancy- 


Box Kings, 16 mg. “tar”, 1.2 ma. 
"av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID DUCHOVNY 


a candid conversation with the brooding * 


iles” star about life on the set with 


gillian anderson, life at home with téa leoni and life on the road with porno tapes 


It's a classic "X-Files? moment. Special 
Agent Fox Mulder, played by David Du- 
chovny, stares forlornly off a bluff. con- 
templating yet another investigation gone 
wrong. Only minutes earlier, he had been 
driving wildly, then came to a screeching 
halt on this bluff overlooking the Pacific 
Ocean. In the backseat: a man Mulder des- 
perately wanted to save. Close behind was 
Mulder's partner, Special Agent Dana Scul- 
ly, bringing a syringe full of the mystery con- 
coction that could have saved the man’s life. 
But when you specialize in the paranormal 
you can pretty much expect that your victim 
will expire in a most paranormal way. And 
that’s precisely what happens. Unable to in- 
ject the medication in tine, Mulder watches 
helplessly as the victim's head explodes all 
over the backseat. No wonder Mulder is 
depressed. 

Later, back in his trailer, Duchovny gives 
some insight into his character's mood. “Any 
time somebody's head explodes in your car, 
it's upsetting,” he explains drily. 

Horror and humor. Without those ele- 
ments subily intertwined, “The X-Files” 
would be just another TV show instead of 
that odd hybrid—a hit TV show with a de- 
voted cult following. And no one manages to 
straddle the mixed demands of the show bet- 
ter than Duchovny, whose morose underact- 


ing is deftly leavened by a deadpan sense of 
3 y у 2 


“Mulder and Scully have a chaste love affair 
1 think that's what people really like about it. 
We've done it for five years. That's a lot of 
chastity. People ask if they are ever going to 
get il together Т don't think they should.” 


humor. Is the perfect combination for a 
shaw often described as a cross between 
win Peaks” and “The Twilight Zone"—a 
TV series for paranoids and zealots who are 
sure the government covers up what it knows 
about the UFOs and aliens among us. Mul- 
der's own obsession stemmed from having 
seen, or so he believed, his younger sister ab- 
ducted by aliens when she was eight. 

In a bit of fortunate casting, Duchovny 
was paired with Gillian Anderson, who 
landed the role of Dana Scully, the rational 
disbeliever. Anderson, voted “most bizarre 
girl” in high school, was the perfect maich 
for the wry Duchovny. Their chemistry 
worked, and the palpable sexual tension 
could be milked for the entire series without 
any actual romance. Mulder, after all, is a 
guy who sleeps on a couch, watches porno- 
graphic videotapes and never has sex (except 
with a vampire). 

The series has done more than help boost 
the Fox network in the ratings. A movie 
spin-off. “The X-Files: Fight the Future,” 
was released this past summer. It was a bold 
attempt. because more monies-from-TV-shows 
have failed (“The Avengers,” “The Saint”) 
than have succeeded (“The Fugitive,” “Mis- 
sion: Impossible”). But the gamble paid off, 
as the $60 million “X-Files” movie grossed 
$83 million domestically and is expected to 
more than double that internationally. 


“When we started we were the only scary 
show on TV. Now there are a lol of scary 
shows, like “Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and 
"Millennium." I think ‘Caroline in the City is 


scary. People like to be scared. It’s fun TV” 


Few TV shows or movies develop such a 
fanatical following. At conventions and on 
the Internet, diehard believers debate every 
conspiratorial nuance (there are hundreds of 
Web sites devoted to dissecting the meaning 
of the ghost trains, black helicopters, bees, 
corn, Agent Scully's crucifix and other ob- 
scure details). Bul the show has also grown 
beyond cult status: Twenty million people 
tune in on Sunday nights (and 10 million 
for the syndicated repeats) to see what's been 
cooked up by the Cigarette Smoking Man or 
the head of the Syndicate or the faceless men 
or the alien-human hybrids created by a 
black-oil virus. 

AU the heart of all this attention is Du- 
chouny. He was born on August 7, 1960 and 
grew up in New York City. When he was 11, 
his parents split up and he and his sister and 
brother stayed with their Scottish-barn moth- 
ex, Margaret, then a teacher. His father, Am- 
ram, a playwright (“The Trial of Lee Harvey 
Oswald”) and publicist who edited the hu- 
morous book “The Wisdom of Spiro T. Ag- 
new," moved to Boston after the divorce and 
now lives in Paris. Duchovny won a scholar- 
ship to Collegiate, an exclusive prep school 
in Manhattan, where one of his fellow 
students was John Kennedy Jr. Duchovny 
excelled in sports (baseball and basket- 
ball) and academics (he was valedictorian) 
and was accepted to four luy League schools 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 


“I think porn is fine. I like to watch people 
fuck, My big porn years were the Eighties. 
Alicia Monet was my favorite. If anything 
good can happen from this interview, it’s 
that Alicia would contact me for lunch.” 


63 


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(Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Brown). He 
chose Princeton for undergraduate and Yale 
for graduate school (on a waching fellow- 
ship), where he studied modern literature, 
concentrating on Samuel Beckett. To the 
chagrin of his mother; he never completed his 
doctorate because a friend introduced him 
lo acling as a way to supplement his income 
(he also worked as a bartender during 
the summer). Duchovny had discovered his 
profession. 

He started doing commercials in. 1985 
and auditioned for parts in the movies “Bull 
Durham" and “Valmont.” It was director 
Henry Jaglom who recognized his potential 
and cast him as a seducer in his 1989 film 
“New Year's Day." Duchovny followed that 
with small parts in “Venice/Venice,” “Julia 
Has Two Lovers," “The Rapture,” “Beetho- 
ven,” “Ruby” and “Chaplin.” In 1993 he 
appeared with Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis 
in “Kalifornia.” That same year “The X- 
Files” creator Chris Carter thought Duchov- 
ny might be right for playing Fox Mulder 

Duchovny also gained notoriety for his 
sexually adventurous roles. He dressed in 
drag for "Twin Peaks,” flirted openly with 
Garry Shandling during a running story 
line on “The Larry Sanders Show" and ap- 
peared as a regular character on Showtime's 
erotic breakthrough series, “Red Shoe 
Diaries.” 

Like most TV actors, Duchovny has big- 
screen ambitions. His “X-Files” contract is 
up in two years, and he plans to leave TV be- 
hind (though he will continue to star as Fox 
Mulder in the series of “X-Files” movies the 
studio hopes will live on long after the TV 
show dies). Duchovny starred in the little- 
seen movie “Playing God” in 1997, about 
a doctor who is coerced into working for 
the Mob. 

Movie roles might be easier to come by now 
that the series has switched locations. “The 
X-Files” was originally filmed in Vancouver 
which gave the show its moody, rainy Io 
(and saved the studio from paying Holl 
wood salaries to the crew). But when Du- 
chovny fell in love with and married Téa 
Leoni (who starred in the TV show “The 
Naked Truth” and the films “Flirting With 
Disaster" and “Deep Impact”), the long 
shooting schedule and lengthy separations 
began to drag on him. Furthermore, he man- 
aged to offend Canadians when he com- 
plained to a reporter that "Vancouver is a 
nice place if you like 400 inches of rainfall a 
Soon after, the marquee on a local strip 
club suggested that Duchovny go home, and 
he took the advice, persuading the produc- 
ers to move the show from Canada to Los 
Angeles. 

To find out more about this unorthodox 
actor, PLAYBOY sent Contributing Editor 
Lawrence Grobel (whose last interview was 
with Christopher Walken) to the Fox lot and 
on location. Grobel's report follows: 

“The first few limes we met, Duchovny 
was in his trailer on the Fox lot, putting the 
finishing touches on the ‘X-Files’ movie. 
There were constant interruplions—visilors 
who wanted to say hello or have a picture 


taken or signed, studio heads who wanted, as 
Duchovny told me after they left, ‘to blow 
smoke up my ass." He was as interested in 
asking me questions about people I had in- 
lerviewed for PLAYBOY as he was in answer- 
ing my questions. ‘Which actors did Brando 
say he admired?" he wanted to know, Would 
Pacino rather direct than act? Why won't he 
do ads in Japan?” ‘How does Anthony Hop- 
kins memorize his lines?’ "What did Saul 
Bellow think of the dramatization of “Seize 
the Day?” How does Joyce Carol Oates feel 
she can write well about men?’ 

“For our final sessions, we spoke in his TV 
trailer in San Pedro, a few months after “The 
X-Files: Fight the Future’ had come out and 
he was back playing Mulder for the series. 
He was pleased with a poem of his that a 
magazine had published and shawed me oth- 
ers he had written and hoped to turn into a 
book. I read his poems, offered my sugges- 
tions (for whatever they were worth) and 
then we got down to business.” 


PLAYBOY: You once described The X-Files 
to Garry Shandling on The Larry Sanders 
Show as “Laurel and Hardy with sexual 
tension.” Do you still believe that? 
DUCHOVNY: No, we were improvising, 
When you did the talk-show part on The 
Larry Sanders Show you were actually do- 
ing a talk show. None of that was script- 
ed. What I said makes no sense to me. 1 
don't know what that means. I think 
what Mulder and Scully have goes back 
to Cary Grant movies, where verbal 
sparring had to code sexual sparring. 1 
think that’s what people really like about 
it. It’s this kind of chaste love affair. And 
we've done it for five years. That's a lot 
of chastity. Usually at the end of a movie 
the guy and the girl kiss, even if they've 
been sparring throughout. With us, it's 
an intense buildup. People ask, “Are 
Mulder and Scully ever going to get it to- 
gether?” I think no at this point. 1 don’t 
think they should. 

PLAYBOY: How did the show keep from 
getting stuck in the science fiction ghetto 
and attract more than a cult following? 
DUCHOVNY: We do a cop show with para- 
normal phenomena. The show is amaz- 
ing because it has an all-inclusive tone. 
On one end it can take itself completely 
seriously on iculous stuff like liberat- 
ing aliens or a conspiracy that will bring 
down the entire world, and on the other 
end it can be lighthearted and funny 
PLAYBOY: Is that what accounts for the 
show's popularity? 

DUCHOVNY: The enduring popularity of 
our show has to do with the fact that 
we've established two int g char- 
acters in almost soap-opera fashion. We 
have embarked upon a long-running 
mythological story that people want to 
get to the bottom of, punctuated by in- 
teresting stand-alone monster-of-the- 
week episodes. When we started we 
were really the only scary show on TV. 
Now there are scary shows like Buffy 
the Vampire Slayer and Millennium. 1 think 


Traveling through space becomes more real. 


Chasing convicts becomes more real. 


Girlfriend’s feeling of neglect becomes more 


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Caroline in the City is ver! 
People like to be scare. 
PLAYBOY: Some people claim we're all 
looking for a religious experience, and 
that shows about alien abductions are 
basically that. 

DUCHOVNY: If not a religious experience 
then a life-changing experience. Every 
week something happens that would be 
world-altering if it were true. The genet- 
ic freaks or monsters we deal with would 
revolutionize any evolutionary way of 
thinking. If the series is not religious 
in the normal sense of the word, it's 
cataclysmic. 

PLAYBOY: You've called it a “secular reli- 
gious show.” 

DUCHOVNY: I was stretching. The show is 
evocative, it's part of the cultural lexicon 
now. ER is twice as popular, but you 
don't hear people making an adjective 
out of FR. We've achieved iconic status 
somehow. Everything is the something- 
files now. 

PLAYBOY: How much have we embraced 
the worldview of The X-Files: “Trust no 
The truth is out there"? 
DUCHOVNY: I’m not sure that people are 
so into that. On a popular level it was 
one of the first shows to state outright 
that the government is lying to you. Or, 
at least, that the FBI is lying to its own 
agents. People always like to have some- 
body to blame. 

PLAYBOY: How much of the show is based 
on real-life events? 

DUCHOVNY: Read the recent news about 
splicing, cloning and genetic engineer- 
ing. That has become important for 
the idea in our show that experiments 
are being conducted with alien DNA. 
‘Things that were science fiction ten 
years ago and were pretty much a joke— 
as cloning was in Sleeper—are now a real- 
ity. It helps that science is more imagina- 
tive than science fiction. It helps that 
there are brilliant people out there, so 
that we knuckleheads can actually make 
metaphors out of science and make triv- 
ial use of incredible breakthroughs. 
PLAYBOY: What do you think about all 
these breakthroughs? 

DUCHOVNY: Biologically, we're not far 
from cloning a human being, but what 
would be the purpose? We'd have to 
decide who is worthy of cloning. We'd 
clone Stephen Hawking and Michael 
Jordan, but what does that mean? It 


[laughs]. 
+; 


DUCHOVNY: Oh, so you farm your own. 
That's so mean to the poor clones. So 
you've got all your clones in the back- 
yard fighting because they don't want to 
give up their liver. 1 don't know if life 
should be so precious that we try that 
hard to hold on to it. Maybe there are 
people who love life a lot more than I do. 
PLAYBOY: Are you often unsatisfied with 
what you do? 


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DUCHOVNY: Always. I have never been 
satisfied. 

PLAYBOY: There isn't one show in which 
you feel you nailed it? 

DUCHOVNY: No. There arc definitely 
shows I feel are really good, even great. 
pPLayBoY: Of the 110 shows you've done, 
what percentage would you say are real- 
ly good? 

DUCHOVNY: I'd say ten percent are the 
great ones. Really good, or good, 80 per- 
cent. Lousy, ten percent. 

PLAYBOY: Do the lousy ones make you 
cringe? 

DUCHOVNY: There are the lousy ones that 
you know are going to be lousy. Then 
there are the lousy ones that should have 
been better. Those hurt more, because 
you think, Maybe I fucked up. 

PLAYBOY: You told PLAYBOY a few years 
ago that Fox Mulder was on an inward 
journey and asked, “Why is this man in 
so much pain? Why is he obsessed? Why 
would anyone want to live their life this 
way? How do we heal him? How do we 
show him the truth?” Any answers? 
DUCHOVNY: I said that? That's good. I 
think his pain comes from the fact that 
he feels he could have protected hi 
ter but didn't. She was taken from him 
when he was 12 and she was eight, and 
he's come to realize that she was abduct- 
ed by aliens—at least he thinks so—and 
that he might have been able to stop it 
in some way. Then, during the journey 
we've had for the past five years, he 
found out that he was the one who was 
supposed to have been taken and not his 
sister, so there's a lot of survivor guilt go- 
ing on. He can't enjoy himself. He can't 
rest until he's sure they've done every- 
thing to find the girl he let go. 

PLAYBOY: As you said, why would anyone 
want to live that way? 

DUCHOVNY: Right. He doesn’t appear to 
have any interests outside that. We've 
never scen him in a bed; he sleeps on 
his couch. He watches pornography. He 
doesn't have sexual relations, except 
once, with a vampire. He cannot have 
joy until somebody else does. As soon as 
he starts to have joy he feels guilty. 
PLAYBOY: Will he ever find the truth? 
DUCHOVNY: No. When he matures he'll 
realize that the truth is not something to 
be had. Mulder is very young because 
he really thinks there's an answer. He 
thinks there's a bad guy. He thinks if 
someone finds that guy, everything will 
be OK. That's a young point of view. 
When he grows up he's going to turn 
ifferent person. But I like that 
1 like the intensity of his be- 
lief that he can fix things. 

PLAYBOY: Your schedule conflicted 
appearing in Oliver Stone's Any Given 
Sunday, a movie about pro football. Was 
that disappointing? 

DUCHOVNY: I would do anything to work 
with Oliver Stone. I really like him. I've 
always wanted to play an athlete in a 
movie, and it was a rude awakening to 


realize the only part for me in his film 
was that of an aging quarterback. But 
Oliver wanted me for the team doctor. 
When we first met I told him I was a 
good athlete and he said he had seen 
George Clooney, who is a really good 
athlete. I said, “I'm a better athlete than 
Clooney. He talks about how he can beat 
me in basketball, but I guarantee you he 
can't." And Stone said, "Well, you don't 
have the neck for it.” I said, “Joe Mon- 
tana doesn't have a big neck. If you tell 
me I can have this part, I'll work on my 
neck.” We laughed. Then he called later 
and asked again if I wanted the doctor 
part. I said, "I'm working on my neck.” 
PLAYBOY: Are there any other movies in 
the worl 
DUCHOVNY: Bonnie Hunt co-wrote and 
will direct Return to Me, a romantic com- 
edy about heart transplants. I want to 
do it. 

PLAYBOY: Is TV better than movies? 
DUCHOVNY: Yeah, though 1 think a great 
movie beats a great television show. Its 
like, does a great karate guy beat a great 
boxer? A great movie is—a movie. But 
look at the writing and the drama on X- 
Files and NYPD Blue, which to me are the 
two best dramas on television. I feel 
they're better executed than the drama 
in most movies. 
PLAYBOY: Then why do movies? 
DUCHOVNY: Regardless of how good the 
story line is ona TV show, you're playing 
the same character. I'm proud of The 
X-Files, and when all is said and done ГЇЇ 
be proud to have created 150 hours or 
so of really good entertainment and the 
best TV we could do. But in the end I'm 
playing 150 hours of the same guy. 
PLAYBOY: Another actor who attempted 
to make the leap from a successful televi- 
sion show to the big screen was David 
Caruso. His carcer has certainly faltered 
since he left NYPD Blue. Is his a caution- 
ary tale? 

DUCHOVNY: No. As trite as it sounds, 
everybody is individual, everyone has 
their own career to pursue. Alec Baldwin 
came from a soap opera, so did Demi 
Moore. Bruce Willis came from Moon- 
lighting. Yom Selleck came from Mag- 
пит, PI.—it didn't happen for him. Clint 
Eastwood came from TV. There are mi 
ions of actors who were never on TV or 
film, who never made it. There are film 
actors who were successful at first and 
then weren't, then made a comeback. To 
think there's an equation is bogus. We all 
have our paths. What Caruso di 
different from what I'm doing: He left a 
hit TV show alter one year. He acted in a 
couple of movies that didn't do well; now 
he’s back on TV. I've been completely 
loyal. This is my sixth year on the TV 
show. I've fulfilled my respon ies. 
PLAYBOY: How was the The X-Files movie 
received? 

DUCHOVNY: Critically, it was hard for peo- 
ple to discuss the movie without dis- 
cussing the television show. Critics had 


chill a martini glass 


202. squeeze of 
Hennessy lemon 


savor the complexit 
the Hennessy Martini 


PLAYBOY 


an ax to grind. The movie did great and 
I was really happy with it—it was a 
smart, funny adventure-science fiction 
thriller. It worked. But critics seem to 
have a prejudice against television. A lot 
of them said they didn't understand it 
because they don’t watch the TV show. 
They missed the fact that our show de- 
liberately leaves people in doubt—that’s 
part of our M.O. They thought if they 
were in doubt it was because they didn’t 
have enough information. That might 
be a risky situation in film because it's a 
one-shot thing, whereas in TV you get to 
come back. So the critics may have had a 
point. But underlying their criticism is 
s only a TV show blown 
up into a movie. But what's wrong with 
that if you're telling a good story? Look 
at Armageddon, Godzilla, Independence Day. 
Those are much thinner stories than 
what we attempted. to tell, yet they didn't 
get that kind of criticism, So there were 
some prejudices against the film that I 
hadn't anticipated. Also, our TV show is 
still on and it's playing five times a week 
and it's free. The movie has been a suc- 
cess, so they'll do another one. It's a $60 
million film that has already made $83 
mi n domestically. Worldwide we'll 
probably make as much or more than 
Armageddon. 1 won't do another one un- 
til the TV show is off the air. I think the 
aud 
the ai 
PLAYBOY: Recently you said that you and 
Gillian have been thrown together, that 
you're "two people who don't know each 
other, and we've been forced to spend 
more time together than married peo- 
ple do." It’s curious that you would use 
the present tense when describing some- 
one you have worked so closely with for 
five years. 

DUCHOVNY: I was referring to the origi 
nal coupling. But we still don't know 
each other very well. We're not close 
personally. We're close professionally. 
But we're not tight. 1 don’t think we ever 
will be. I like her. 1 think she likes me, 
It’s all fine. 

PLAYBOY: What is it about your on-screen 
chemistry that makes it work? 
DUCHOVNY: The meeting of two minds. 
Mutual respect. Scully came to this rela- 
tionship believing Mulder was a crack- 
pot, but she was open to some of his 
ideas, And he took this new partner and 
trusted her, what she had to say. It's an 
equal partnership, and that’s sexy to 
people. 

PLAYBOY: Can Mulder or Scully ever be 
replaced 

DUCHOVNY: Yeah, everybody can be 
placed. It's a double equation and 
contradictory, and here's how it goes: 
The X-Files would not have been a success 
without me, but | am replaceable at this 
point. It wouldn't have gotten to where 
if 1 hadn't been in it in the begin 
ning, but now that it is where it is, Tm 


70 dispensable. 1 mean, you get fans who 


nce will miss it when it goes off 


say, "Oh no, it wouldn't be the same 
without you." But in the end, you're just 
an actor playing a role. 

PLAYBOY: Before the X-Files movie, you 
starred in Playing Cod, which disap- 
peared quickly. You said that it was your 
way of saying, “I'm not Mulder: hear me 
roar.” Was anyone listening? 

DUCHOVNY: Not with Playing God. That 
was a small movie, but because I'm a big 
ТУ star people assumed it was my break- 
out movie. I never intended it to be that. 
When it didn't make $40 million, people 
assumed that I thought it was a bomb or 
that I was disgraced. It was exactly what 
I thought it would be. Maybe not as 
good as I wanted it to be, but I never saw 
it as a hit movie. 

PLAYBOY: One writer said that you have 
an air of confidence that could be inter- 
preted as smugness. Are you smug? 
DUCHOVNY: Gillian did an interview in 
which she said I was arrogant, and when 
I read the article I wondered, Why 
would someone think I’m arrogant? A 
friend of mine said, “If you don't need 
something from somebody, if you're in- 
dependent, they'll think you're arro- 
gant. Because that's threatening.” OK, 
ГЇЇ take that. I'm a little like Holden 
Caulfield—the things I hate more than 
anything else are hypocrisy and preten- 
ion. They make my skin crawl. And I 
would put arrogance in the same cat- 
egory. To perceive myself as arrogant 
would hurt. 

PLAYBOY: Vanity Fair described you as 
“very handsome, though in a winsomely 
flawed way, his nose a bit too large, his 
grin slightly geeky.” 

DUCHOVNY: I called Téa and asked, 
“What does winsome mean?” [Laughs] I 
know what win means and I know what 
some means, it's like you win some, you 
lose some. 

PLAYBOY: Do women still come on to you 
or has marriage changed that? 
DUCHOVNY: I don't think marriage 
changes that. What changes is the way 
the sexes relate—you smile at each other 
and then it escalates, 1 don't respond to 
that now. It's not someone else's respon- 
ity to honor my marriage. It’s my re- 
sponsibility. I never got that attitude to- 
ward cheating: “How could she have an 
affair with a married man?” Isn't that his 
responsi 
PLAYBOY: So it doesn't matter what Moni 
ca Lewinsky did, it matters what Pres 
dent Clinton did? 

DUCHOVNY: Absolutely. And I don't care 
what either of them did. 

PLAYBOY: Lewinsky's father knew where 
to put the blame. 

DUCHOVNY: Well, he's her dad. If she 
were my daughter I'd probably blame 
Clinton, too. When you have fami 
volved, it's another story. 
PLAYBOY: One of Lewinsky's lawyers 
called the president a misogynist. Do 
you have an opinion? 

DUCHOVNY: That comes from fucking 


women’s lib. We're all smarting from 
that. It was a necessary revolution. Wom- 
en had to have a revolution, but lets 
now have a counterrevolution and get 
back to where we should be. We can't 
have Andrea Dworkin saying that unless 
a man asks for a kiss, it's rape. That's not 
human nature, it's not animal nature. I 
see her on TV saying we should have 
guidelines for dating in colleges. The 
man would have to ask if he can hold a 
hand, have a kiss, each step of the way: 
“May I touch your breasts? May I put my 
hand down your pants? May I touch 
your clitoris?” It's ridiculous. 

PLAYBOY: What do men do in the work- 
place now, when they have to fear charg- 
es of harassment if they say the wrong 
thing? 

DUCHOVNY: Sexual harassment is about 
sex, not about harassment. It’s become 
about power, and that's not the same 
thing. It's all fucked up. We've got peo- 
ple trying to win the lottery on other 
people. It's easy, because it's just he 
said-she said. If I try to get you to have 
sex with me and I threaten that you'll 
lose your job if you don't, that’s sex- 
ual harassment. If 1 say, “Nice ass,” 1 
shouldn't be sued unless you say, “You 
know, it bothers me when you say I have 
a nice ass." And then I say, "Nice ass" ten 
more times. Then you say, "Obviously 
I'm not getting through to you. Do I 
have to sue you?" But now people are 
being sued for millions of dollars be- 
cause they said "Nice ass" once, jokingly, 
by the water cooler. It's horseshit. 
PLAYBOY: What if you pat a woman's ass 
by the water cooler? 

DUCHOVNY: I don't think you should be 
sued. She can slap you, or she can say, 
"Next time you touch me I'm going to 
get my brother” or “ГЇЇ sue you." I be- 
lieve in warnings. What happened to the 
warning? 

PLAYBOY: Do you like pornography? 
DUCHOVNY: I think pornography is fine. 
Without getüng into a discussion about 
how it demeans women and all that shit, 
I like to watch other people fuck. That's 
the fun part—they're doing all the work. 
Something funny happened to me in 
Vancouver. At hotels in Canada you get 
full porn, unlike in America, where they 
cut out all the penetration and private 
parts, and you just get a shot of the guy 
from behind, which I don't need to see. 
When I watched porn, I'd rent three 
sand do reconnaissance work first— 
si-forward to see what caught my 
eye and then I'd catalog it. Then I'd 
make my choices and go back and watch 
But you can't do that in a hotel because 
the movie won't play again for another 
eight hours. So if you're masturbating 
and not just watching, you have to make 
a decision fast. 1 had to change my porn- 
watching habits and commit early. In 
Vancouver I learned that beyond the 
tial commitment to the scene where I 
wanted to get off, I had no control over 


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PLAYBOY 


the moment I got off. Once you go over 
that edge to an orgasm, you can't pull 
back. So you give over and then you're 
at the mercy of the cuts—and all of a 
sudden you're looking at a guy's sweaty 
ass and you're coming, and then you're 
thinking, Oh my God. I'm questioning 
my sexuality, because that wasn't half 
bad. That's my porn story from Canada. 
PLAYBOY: Did you have favorite porn 
stars? 

DUCHOVNY: My big porn years were the 
hues. It’s like watching sports—it 
Was Marilyn Chambers better 
a Zee? Who knows? The names 
that will forever be in my pornographic 
heart are Alicia Monet, Alicia Rio, Am- 
ber Lynn, Ginger Lynn. You know how 
the moviegoing public likes to see Tom 
Cruise—they like to have a known quan- 
tity out there. I was the same way with 
porn. I was like, “Who's that nobody? 
I'm not sure she's good.” Alicia Monet 
was my favorite. If anything „good can 
happen from this interview, 10s that Ali- 
cia Monet would contact me and we 
could have lunch. God, if she only knew 
how many lonely periods she got me 
through. | don’t think porn stars know 
how weirdly important they are in peo- 
ple's lives 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree with Robin Wil- 
liams that fame leads to money and 
drugs, which are there to tempt and dis- 
tract you? 

DUCHOVNY: I never had the drug prob- 
lem. Fame does lead to money, which I 
don't have a close relationship with. I'm 
the kind of guy who never sees the mon- 
ey—it all goes somewhere else. 1 dont 
understand it, I don't like to deal with it 
I have a fear of not having it, because I 
grew up without it. My mother was al- 
ways vocal that we were very close to not 
having anything. There was always a 
fear that one day we'd be out on the 
street, though, looking back, that was 
not a reality. But I definitely was scared 
of ending up in the gutter—that's the 
way we put it. 

PLAYBOY: Is that one of the reasons you 
decided to be an actor rather than a pro- 
fessor—because it's more lucrative? 
DUCHOVNY: No, it wasn't about being 
rich. I never imagined being rich. It 
wasn't something that I strove for. A 
professor makes plenty of money, and 
it’s a solid income once you get tenure. 
You're pulling in $60,000 to $100,000 
for the rest of your life—that would have 
been fine. 

PLAYBOY: Which teachers left their mark 
on you? 

DUCHOVNY: I studied poetry with Maxine 
Kumin. That was fun. One of the prob- 
lems with being in college is you're all 
the same age and writing about the 
things. Maxine used to sneak i 
from her generation, so we'd have a 
70-year-old woman writing poems with 
us. It just opened up the class. I wrote 


72 a break-up-with-my-girlfriend poem, a 


get-back-together-with-my-girlfriend 
poem, and I had to read them. A lot 
of coffee, cigarettes. Then this woman 
friend of Maxine’s began her poem: “I 
have stitched my labia shut.” It was so far 
beyond, both thematically and chrono- 
logically, anything any of us were ap- 
proaching. We were just investigating 
labia for the first time and she was leav- 
ing it behind. Maxine was very good 
that way. 

PLAYBOY: What's the difference between 
graduate and undergraduate students? 
DUCHOVNY: Graduate students are petri- 
fied. As an undergraduate you say what's 
on your mind, you rap with the teacher. 
But in graduate school you pronounce 
yourself a professional—this is what you 
do for a living. You're petrified to be 
wrong. All of a sudden these lively dis- 
cussions about literature that used to 
take place are silenced. In our gradu- 
ate Romantic Poetry class with Harold 
Bloom, there was a precocious under- 
graduate, Naomi Wolf, who has since be- 
come known as a feminist writer. She was 
the only one who would talk. Because 
she didn’t care, she didn't have anything 
to lose. Bloom was always bemoaning 
something in his lilting, sad voice, ask- 
ing about what something would be like, 
and we'd all be silent, afraid to be cx- 
posed. But Naomi Wolf would raise her 
hand and respond, “It would be a world 
without adjectives." And he'd say, “Ex- 
actly, my dear.” And I was like, I’m in 
the wrong place. Not only did I not get 
the answer, I didn't even understand the 
question. A world without adjectives. 1 
just don't get it. Though that would be a 
“good name for a book, wouldn’ 
PLAYBOY: Did you learn discipline playing 
basketball at Princeton? 

DUCHOVNY: No. 1 learned discipline 
more from academics than sports. And 
sacrifice and single-mindedness. My en- 
tire life has been an attempt to get back 
to the kind of feelings you have on a 
field. The sense of brotherhood, the es- 
prit de corps, the focus—there being no 
past or future, just the ball. As trite as it 
sounds, I was happiest playing ball. But 
I can't do that for a living. And I'm not 
sure professional athletes have that kind 
of joy anymore; it’s a job for them. With 
acting you can approach the lack of self- 
consciousness you have on a basketball 
court. Acting, sex, sports, religion—those 
are your ecstatic moments, when you're 
an animal. 

PLAYBOY: And what order do you put 
those four in? 

DUCHOVNY: It's been so long since I've 
had that feeling in sports, I can't remem- 
ber it. Sex is great until you die, but it's 
never as great as it was when you were a 
kid, when it was a mystery. Um not a re- 
ligious person. If I get close to religion 
it's in these moments when people faint 
and shudder and have orgasins with rel 
gious fervor—I don't think they're kid- 
ding. And I'm envious. I guess at this 


point I'm trying to attain those states 
through acting. But it’s hard when you 
act as often as I do on a television show, 
because the nature of a TV series is that 
you don't get there often. I'm looking 
forward to the show's ending so I can 
work less and try to make my profession- 
al career more in tune with that. 
PLAYBOY: Staying with sports for a mo- 
ment, which sports figure would you like 
to have been? 

DUCHOVNY: Mantle or Mays or Walter 
Frazier or Pistol Pete Maravich. 
PLAYBOY: Who was a better bas 
er, Mantle or Mays? 
DUCHOVNY: Willie Mays was the best ever. 
When 1 was in college I once made a 
catch like the one Mays made over his 
head. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed 
at night I think about it. It still makes 
me warm. 

PLAYBOY: What other sports memories do 
that for you? 

DUCHOVNY: There was a moment when I 
was in high school playing basketball 
My junior year we were 21-5 and had all 
our players coming back, so we thought 
we might go undefeated the next year. 
But we lost our second game, and our 
confidence. We had barely won our 
third game and were losing our fourth. 
It was tied and they had a couple of foul 
shots with eight seconds left. The guy 
hits the first and misses the second. Our 
center gets the rebound, outlets it to me, 
I dribble it up and at the top of the key, 
with three seconds left, I jump. There 
was something speaking to me and I ri- 
fled a pass right under the basket rather 
than shoot and hit a guy for a lay-up. We 
won at the buzzer. It's the feeling I had 
that made me pass that I think about. 
And that makes me smile. It’s that ex- 
trasensory feeling that we live for. 
PLAYBOY: Do you still have friends from 
those days? 
DUCHOVNY: I have mostly childhood 
friends. When you're younger you've 
got a lot of friends, but you don't have 
time for that many friends when you get 
older. It's good to have the one or two 
guys who've known you a long time who 
you can check in with 

PLAYBOY: So you don't have half a doz- 
en guys you're comfortable playing po- 
ker with? 

DUCHOVNY: No, not really. My college 
friends have all dispersed. My best 
friend from college lives in Beijing. He's 
a lawyer. We used to play squash togeth- 
er. After we graduated we traveled to- 
gether for five months in Southeast Asia. 
But he t speak Chinese then so he 
was no help at all. 

PLAYBOY: Where in Southeast Asia did 
you travel? 

DUCHOVNY: Thailand, Burma, Malaysia, 
all around there, backpacking. 

PLAYBOY: Did you smoke opium while 
you were in Thailand? 

DUCHOVNY: Yes. That was very interest- 
ing. It was north of Changmai. A group 


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of us were trekking, ten people and two 
guides. It was a 12-day trek. They said, 
“Do you want to smoke opium with this 
guy? He's an opium addict.” We said 
sure. We lay down next to him. He used 
some kind of pipe, where he put the 
resin on the tip of a stick and then in- 
serted the stick into the pipe. He didn't 
speak English and was trying to show us 
how tod to draw in deeply. 1 did one, 
not a good one, then I did another that 
was better. Me and my buddy were the 
only ones in our group who did it. All of 
a sudden this big storm started and all 
the animals congregated underneath the 
hut. We were nodding off and waking 
up, and the animals were making all 
these noises and I was convinced that 
1 could understand 
what they were say- 
ing. Га hear the pigs 
snorting and the hors- 
es talking to one an- 
other throughout the 
village. When you'd 
go to take a shit you'd 
walk away from the 
village and take a 
dump in the bushes, 
and the pigs would 
follow you because 
they were going to 
eat your shit. It was 
hard for us Ameri- 
cans, being so mod- 
est, to take a shit 
while the pigs were 
watching for a good 
one [laughs]. "Don't 
pull on that just yet, 
I haven't released." 
When we were high 
we imagined the pigs 
calling for us to feed 
them, that we would 
open up the floor- 
boards and just lay 
one right there. We 
were having this 
whole co i 
with the an 
then some event 
happened, and some- 
body came in to talk 
to the head man of the village, who was 
one of our guides. There was some kind 
of crisis, and five people began arguing 
in the room and they wanted him to set- 
tle it. My friend and 1 were so stoned 
that we decided we knew what they were 
talking about, and we made it into a soap 
opera. Every time somebody spoke I'd 
go. “What happened was, she slept with 
his brother. And his brother is his 
cousin." We were like children, laughing 
hysterically at how funny we thought we 
were being, while this serious business 
was going on. Every once in a while 
they would look over at us giggling like 
fools in the corner and shrug, “They're 
stoned.” That was my nighton opium. It 


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PLAYBOY: Different from marijuana? 
DUCHOVNY: Very different. 

PLAYBOY: Mushrooms? 

Yeah, more dreamy. My ex- 
th mushrooms were always 
kind of hyper. Very intense. This was 
more slow and syrupy 

PLAYBOY: Ever try peyote? 

DUCHOVNY: I may have. Pretty sure I did. 
PLAYBOY: If you had one wish, what 
would it be? 

DUCHOVNY: It would have to do with 
writing. To be able to tell a story like 
Homer. To almost sing a story. Actually, 
I'd rather sing. If I could sing I probably 
wouldn't care about writing. 

PLAYBOY: What person would you like to 


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DUCHOVNY: Many, many people. Ray 
Charles, Stevie Wonder, even Bonnie 
Raitt. It would be funny, Bonnie Raitt's 
voice coming out of me, but I would 
change my physical appearance to make 
it work. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever write anything for 
magazines? 

DUCHOVNY: I wrote two articles, one for 
the English Tatler, about my high school, 
and the other I can't remember. 
PLAYBOY: What did you write about your 
high school? 

DUCHOVNY: It was years later. And it 
wasn't good. It was basically about the 
fact that a lot of rich, famous people's 
children went to my high school, like 


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boise's son Chris, F.A.O. Schwarz IV, 
William Kennedy Smith before he was 
famous, and then a couple of kids who 
were prodigies on their own merit. We 
had a guy who was the editor of the 
New York Times crossword puzzle in high 
school! We had some geniuses there. It 
was a special school, called Collegiate. 1 
had a great time there 

PLAYBOY: Did you know John Kennedy 
Jr. at school? 

DUCHOVNY: Briefly. My first day at Colle- 
giate I was kind of starstruck. I just 
wanted to see who John John Kennedy 
was. | asked this kid at lunch, “Which 
one is John John?” And he said, “His 
name is John.” That was my first slap 
in the face. John left 
after my first year. 
We had a class trip 
down to Washington 
in 1975 and because I 
was new they put me 
with him. We roomed 
together. We went 
to the White House 
and one of ıhe tour 
guides said, "I'm told 
that John Kennedy 
Jr. is among you.” 
And we're all say- 
ing, "Who?" so that 
John wouldn't be 
embarrassed. 
PLAYBOY: You mean 
that they didn't rec- 
ognize 
DUCHOVNY: Not then. 
We all had long hair 
parted on the side. 
PLAYBOY: Did Ken- 
nedy talk about the 
White House? 
DUCHOVNY: No. Not 
at all. 

PLAYBOY: Do you know 
him now? 

DUCHOVNY: Yeah, 
PLAYBOY: Was it dur- 
ing your high school 
years that you first 
had sex? 

DUCHOVNY: I lost my 
virginity when I was 14. And I haven't 
been able to find it. 

PLAYBOY: Did the girl go to high school 
with you? 

DUCHOVNY: She was 84. 

PLAYBOY: Are you going to tell us? 
DUCHOVNY: She was a year younger, but 
she wasn't a virgin. She was more expe- 
rienced than I was. 

PLAYBOY: Did she seduce you? 
DUCHOVNY: No, it was mutual. 

PLAYBOY: Did she know it was the first 
time for you? 

DUCHOVNY: No, but I told her many 
years later. 

PLAYBOY: Any other interesting teenage 
experiences with women? 

DUCHOVNY: When I was 16 I had a Mrs. 


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PLAYBOY 


Robinson. It was really good, gave me a 
lot of confidence. 


PLAYBOY: Was she the mother of any of 


your friends? 
DucHovny: No, though I definitely had 
my eyes open for that [laughs]. That's all 
Tever thought about. I always wanted an 
older woman. Actually, at that age it was 
any woman. 

PLAYBOY: How did you finally meet your 
older woman? 

DUCHOVNY: Two girlfriends of mine were 
ing for her. She had kids and was 
married. 

PLAYBOY: Did she seduce you? 
DUCHOVNY: Oh yeah. I didn't have the 
balls, We all went out dancing and she 
sat on my lap and said, “Take me home 
and make love to me.” She definitely had 
to make every move. 

PLAYBOY: Could you believe it when it was 
happening? 

DUCHOVNY: Oh, I felt I was the luckiest 
guy in the world. 

PLAYBOY: How often did you see her? 
DUCHOVNY: Whenever I could! 

PLAYBOY: Had you seen The Graduate? 
DUCHOVNY: No. 

PLAYBOY: Have you talked with this wom- 
an since? 

DUCHOVNY: Yeah, the summer after. It 
was hard because I was fecling heroic 
and I took a friend to see her. I was 
showing off. And she didn’t mince 
words: It was over. And I shouldn't bring 
anybody around or talk to anybody 
about it. It was like an introduction to 
the adult world. I wasn't thinking of any 
consequences, but she made it clear. 
PLAYBOY: Was she sophisticated? 
DUCHOVNY: To me, yeah. She was a wom- 
an. I'd never been with a woman. I'd 
been with girls. 

PLAYBOY: What happened after that, 
when you went back to girls? 

DUCHOVNY: Actually it's kind of romantic 
because 1 fell in love for the first time 
witha girl my own age while I was seeing 
the older woman. It was a really specific 
moment in my life. 1 was lying in bed 
with this woman, and she was just beau- 
tiful and totally exotic to me. She was 
younger than I am now. That summer I 
was a janitor in a place and had a little 
room. I met a girl who was having trou- 
ble with her parents, so I invited her to 
stay at my place—I had two single beds. 
T liked her. I called from this woman's 
house just to see how she was doing. And 
1 remember thinking, 1 want to be with 
her. It was weird, because here was my 
fantasy, and I was having feelings for this 
girl. It was the first time I fell in love. 
PLAYBOY: What happened with her? 
DUCHOVNY: We went out for abouta year 
I still hear from her every now and then. 
She’s been married a couple of times. 
PLAYBOY: How did you react when your 
parents divorced? 

DUCHOVNY: I don't think I understood 


what divorce was or what it all meant. If 


76 you tell a child that his father is going to 


live somewhere else, it's like hearing the 
sun is so many miles from the earth. You 
understand what it means but you don't 
know what it is until it actually happens. 
It gocs on for a month, then six months, 
then a year—and then it's, Oh, now I 
understand what that meant 

PLAYBOY: How often did you see your 
dad after he moved out? 

DUCHOVNY: First it was weekends, then 
less as time went on. It hurt, but I wasn't 
aware of that. I probably felt rejected. It 
involved things I wouldn't have had the 
or the mentality to deal with. 
you have other problems as 
a child? Did you ever steal, for instance? 
DUCHOVNY: Yup. I was a good thief. I 
stole food, candy, all this 
foolproof method for stealing soda: 
carry a tennis ball can with one ball into 
the store and then Га take out the ball 
and the soda would go right in, perfect, 
with the ball on top. I never got caught 
but I got extorted. My friend's big sister 
said, “You steal for me.” I tried it for a 
couple of days, stealing for me and for 
her. I realized I was going to get caught, 
sol 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever steal again? Were 
you totally honest when you worked as a 
bartender? 

DUCHOVNY: I stole money then. Fifty 
bucks here and there. Wouldn't put it in 
the register. There were more legal ways 
of stealing: You come in and have seven 
drinks and I give you four for free and 
you give me a $50 tip. That's stealing—I 
didn't make you pay for the drinks so I 
would get a big tip. 

PLAYBOY: If you could steal anything to- 
day, what would it be? 

DUCHOVNY: A great artwork from a mu- 
seum. I don’t know which one. Maybe 
the Mona Lisa, that's a wonderful paint- 
ing. I could look at her. 

PLAYBOY: Are there any actors you partic- 
ularly admire? 

DUCHOVNY: I admired Bogart. He didn't 
give it all away. He was underplaying. If 
you look at a film of Bogart's, he may 
have the same expression for the entire 
movie except for that little twitch, and 
yet he trusted his own power enough 
that his moves would be evident. I like 
actors who don't condescend, who let 
the audience make up their own minds. 
Brando has always been my favorite. I 
love Pacino and Duvall. Meryl Streep 
so gifted it’s hard to even place her. She's 
a real actor. Brando, Pacino, Duvall, 
they're great actors, but they're forceful 
personalities. You really get a sense of 
the man. Streep—I've never seen an ac- 
tor, male or female, who comes close to 
what she does. I'm not saying I'd rather 
ich her than any of those guys—some- 
mes I wouldn't. But her gift as an actor 
is greater than anybody's I've ever seen. 
She's like a freak, like Michael Jordan. 
PLAYBOY: You married an actor. You took 
the press by surprise when you and Tea 
secretly wed. Was that satisfying? 


DUCHOVNY: Yes, except that we stayed in 
New York for our honeymoon, which 
was a mistake. We were followed around, 
and it was infuriating. It's hard to de- 
scribe the powerlessness—an AA word. 
You can't win. And it's difficult to be in a 
ion where you can't win. For some 
reason somebody decided, OK, here's 
the price you have to pay. Then when 
you complain about it people go, "Didn't 
you understand? That's the price you 
have to pay.” Because the technology of 
spying, picture-taking, surveillance has 
far outstripped the laws against it, we 
have to redefine spying. There used to 
be no telephoto lenses. [f you're 100 feet 
from me with a telephoto lens you're ac- 
tually an inch away. Ostensibly you're in 
my space, illegally. We really have to re- 
consider what it is that a public person 
gives up. Why does a public person give 
up all his or her rights to privacy? I'm 
not sure I understand that. 

PLAYBOY: How does marriage work be- 
tween two Ivy League-educated actors? 
DUCHOVNY: Tea went to Sarah Lawrence, 
then she got into Harvard but didn't go. 
She went on a dare to the Charlie's Angels 
cattle call. They were casting and wanted 
three unknowns, and she got a part. It 
never got made, I think because of the 
Writers’ Guild strike. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that Téa is “beyond 
gifted.” Is that like saying there are no 
words to describe her talents? 
DUCHOVNY: I know I sound biased, but I 
truly believe that Téa is a unique per- 
former. She could have been in Show- 
girls, Speed 2, in one bomb afier another, 
but she would have survived because she 
has something that's undeniable. Her 
performance is always wonderfully en- 
thusiastic, funny, smart, sexy. It’s like she 
can hit and field. She's like Willie Mays, 
h the bat and on the field. She's 
1 woman who's a really talent- 
ed comedian, and that’s rare. She just 
hasn't yet found the writer and director 
who can service her, because she’s able 
to do it all, And if she doesn't get too 
depressed abour the business and quits, 
she wil 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised when her 
film Deep Impact outgrossed The X-Files: 
Fight the Future? 

DUCHOVNY: I thought there was no way 
Deep Impact would make more money 
than our film, and then it did. I wasn't 
competitive because I thought I'd win 
easily. Then I was disappointed [chuck- 
les]. No, I was happy. She's not competi- 
tive at all that way. She was also sur- 
prised at how well Deep Impact did. 
PLAYBOY: Are you and Téa developing a 
sitcom si r to | Love Lucy? 
DUCHOVNY: No, that's out of whole c! 
At this point in my career television 
doesr't appeal to me at all because of the 
repetition. 1 could change my tune, but 
the idea of doing the same thing over 
and over doesn't appeal to me. Because 
The X-Files is going to be syndicated and 


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PLAYBOY 


playing with The Twilight Zone and I Love 
Lucy and all these time capsule-type TV 
shows, I think there's enough David 
Duchovny out there. Also, I know my 
own limitations—you don't want to step 
onstage with Téa, because she will eat 
you up. 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of being upstaged, 
isn't that how you and Téa met—during 
a preinterview for a guest shot on The 
Tonight Show, which she got and you 
didn't? 

DUCHOVNY: Yeah, that's true. The audi- 
tion for The Tonight Show takes place over 
lunch. It’s like a meeting, and if you're 
not famous but a working actor, some- 
body at the show might know who you 
are. Then they mect you to see if you 
have any interesting stories and whether 
they want you to take up the last five 
minutes of the show, from 12:20 to 12:25 
A.M., after the the monkey has shit on 
Jay'shead and the band hasn't closed the 
show. That's the spot I was going for. For 
some reason my manager convinced me 
that it was a career move of some kind. 
“Téa's manager probably convinced her 
of the same thing. She was doing a sit- 
com, Flying Blind, at the time, and I had 
just finished Kalifornia and Twin Peaks. 
Unbeknownst to me they were meeting 
with Téa at the same time. It’s brutal 
enough that you have to audition with 
your life—it's not like being an actor 
where you do material. It’s like, Am I in- 
teresting enough for you, Mr. Leno? 
And he's not even there. was much 
more effusive and interesting and funny. 
She took over the meeting and I sulked 
She got on and I didr't, and every time 
I'd hear her name after that I'd spit, 
because I thought she had ruined my 
chance at the big time. 

PLAYBOY: And there was no attraction to 
her at the time? 

DUCHOVNY: She was married then. I re- 
member talking to her before the pro- 
ducer showed up. We had both arrived 
at the restaurant on time, but she doesn't 
remember that part. I thought she was 
lively, funny. And she turned it up a 
notch when we sat down. She hates that 
story because she thinks it makes, her 
look like some showbiz All About Eve. 
When I finally went on The Tonight Show 
1 told this story and then I made up 
notes that the producer had taken, like, 
“Téa Leoni is gorgeous and funny and 
talented, we should have her on the 
show immediately”; “David Duchovny 
is a morose loser.” And the audience 
thought it was real. On talk shows | 
guess I have a deadpan delivery, and 
people assume what I'm saying is true. 
PLAYBOY: Are you more in love now than 
when you married? 

DUCHOVNY: Yeah. It feels different. 
PLAYBOY: You said before marrying that 
ng Monogamous requires constant 
lance. Now that you're married does 
that still hold true? 


78 DUCHOVNY: It’s not like you don't notice 


that a woman is attractive, it's that you 
know what's at stake. The great benefit 
of monogamy is that you get to trust the 
person you're with and she gets to trust 
you. And so much comes out of that. So 
whether or not men and women were 
meant to be monogamous—and we can 
debate all the theories until we die—I 
know I gain something great from it. 
Whether or not it’s natural. 

PLAYBOY: Does Téa expect you to be dif- 
ferent from who you are? 

DUCHOVNY: No, the wonderful thing 
about Téa is that I've never felt entirely 
comfortable as a stereotypical man. 1 was 
a successful male figure in that I was re- 
spected by boys because I was athletic, 1 
was big enough, I wasn't beat-up on. But 
I never felt totally comfortable with that. 
I was never macho. I never wanted to 
hunt or box or kill. Téa, on the other 
hand, was a tomboy, athletic, tough, 
strong. She also was successful as a girl 
because she was attractive and could do 
girl things, but she had a strong mascu- 
line side. We understand each other's 
anxieties about gender identity and stuff 
like that. I'm not talking in terms of sex 


Send me whatever you want, 
TU wear it. Гт an idiot—I 
should talk about Tiffany’s. 
Let me give a plug to the 
Federal Reserve. My favorite 
bill is the one hundred. 


atall, I’m talking about the roles that are 
given to us and how we fitin. You would 
look at me and think I was the most ma- 
cho of guys, the captain of all the sports 
teams I ever played on, yet I never felt 
that way. And you would look at her 
and think she’s a beautiful girly girl, and 
yet no. 

PLAYBOY: Did it working as a trans- 
vestite for an episode of Twin Peaks to 
bring out your other side? 

DUCHOVNY: [Laughs] That was fun. It 
made it easier for me not to think any- 
thing of it. I just felt like, Here's some- 
thing inside me, why not? We all have ac- 
cess to those things if we just open up 
One of the nice things about acting is 
that it allows you to open up to the other 
people within you. 

PLAYBOY: What did you discover about 
wearing high heels? 

DUCHOVNY: That I was uncomfortable. I 
felt sorry for women after that. Women's 
fashion is a subtle form of bondage. It's 
men's way of binding them. We put 
them in these tight, high-heeled shoes, 
we make them wear these tight clothes 
and we say they look sexy. But they're 
actually tied up. 


PLAYBOY: Why is great sex rare with 
beautiful women? 

DUCHOVNY: There are many answers to 
that very dangerous question. The first 
is that you may not be at your best with 
an extraordinarily beautiful woman. 
Who was the famous director who mar- 
ried Brigitte Bardot? Roger Vadim? He 
said he couldn't get it up the first time 
because she was too beautiful, he was too 
intimidated. On the other hand, if a 
woman has been beautiful her entire life, 
she’s never had to work that hard. She 
hasn't had to be funny, or smart, or a 
great lay, because people hang around 
her anyway. 

PLAYBOY: Saul Bellow said it was “because 
great beauties tend to be very narcissi: 
tic. They don't give themselves freely be- 
cause they're much too valuable.” 
DUCHOVNY: Yeah. See, the good thing 
about Téa is she didn't blossom until she 
was older [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: How many kids would you like 
to have? 

DUCHOVNY: One ata time. We're working 
on it now. We're not trying not to. Téa 
wants to save the umbilical cord in the 
freezer. If the kid ever gets sick, the cord 
has the goods in it. That's as far as I'll go: 
You can put the umbilical cord next to 
the ice cream. But I don't know about 
having a frozen clone baby in there for 
spare parts. 

PLAYBOY: What do you fear most? 
DUCHOVNY: Not physical stuff. It’s more 
emotional, like public humiliation, abject 
social failure, shame. Now that I'm mar- 
ried and thinking of having a family, my 
greatest fear is being unable to defend 
my loved ones. 

PLAYBOY: Would you consider getting 
a gun? 

DUCHOVNY: Yeah. I know how to use one. 
When I start a family ГЇЇ have one. It's 
not that I believe something will hap- 
pen; it's that you can have bad luck. 
What if a nut decides to come to your 
house? That happens. 

PLAYBOY: What do you have for protec- 
tion now? 

DUCHOVNY: A baseball bat. Thirty inches 
is the best. Thirty-four is a little long be- 
cause you can't swing it in the doorway. 
PLAYBOY: Wooden or aluminum? 
DUCHOVNY: Wooden. It's a Louisville 
Slugger 125. 

PLAYBOY: There's an advertisement! 
DUCHOVNY: Hey, that would be nice. I 
wouldn't mind getting some bats. 
PLAYBOY: Don't you already have a deal 
with Nike? 

DUCHOVNY: No, I don't have any deal. 
They send me free stuff. Everybody 
sends you free stuff when you're famous, 
in the hopes that you'll wear their stuff 
in public. Send me whatever you want, 
ГИ wear it. 1 mentioned Bacardi in an 
article and they sent me a big crate of 
booze. I'm an idiot—I should talk about 
Tiffany's, about diamonds. Let me give a 
plug to the Federal Reserve. My favorite 


PM 


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PLAYBOY 


bill is the one hundred. 

PLAYBOY: How old do you see yourself? 
DUCHOVNY: Thirty. I'm always surprised 
when I catch sight of myself in the mir- 
ror and І look older than I feel. My dad 
tells me the same thing. He's 70 and he 
keeps wondering who that guy in the 
mirror is. In New York you see these 
great old women, they've got to be 90, 
and they've got the rouge on, the lip- 
stick, they've done their hair. When I 
was younger I used to think, How ri- 
diculous, you still don't want to fuck 
them. Isn't that what makeup is about? 
Then I began to realize it's the life force. 
"They're just staying alive, and they do it 
by keeping up appearances. 

PLAYBOY: You and Téa bought a house 
north of Malibu. Do you like Southern 
California better than New York? 
DUCHOVNY: I've never really been in- 
spired culturally by any city. I grew up in 
New York, the greatest city in the world, 
blah blah blah. I never went to any of the 
museums, I never was inspired by the 
street life. I don't see that happening 
anywhere, where people are hanging 
out in cafés influencing one another. 
And to me that's the only reason to live 
in a thriving metropolis. Other than 
that, Hollywood is full of Philistines and 
pieces of shit, sure, but so is every other 
city. California’s got great weather and is 
very livable. 

PLAYBOY: More so, obviously, than Van- 
couver was for you. Are you glad to be 
away from there? 

DUCHOVNY: It's great for me to be down 
here because I'm living at home. I can't 
downplay the kind of comfort there is in 
going home at night, rather than going 
to an apartment or a place I never con- 
sidered home. That's all that I ever real- 
ly wanted to do. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that a Vancouver strip 
club told you to go home because you 
knocked the city—comparing it to a 
tropical rain forest without the tropics? 
DUCHOVNY: There was a reporter at the 
Vancouver Province who thought that he 
could sell papers by misrepresenting me 
and putting me on the cover of the pa- 
per. Then the strip club thought that it 
could get in the paper, and it did, by bar- 
ring me from the club, which I'd been to 
maybe once in five years. Bad-mouthing 
me became a way for people to sell what- 
ever they were selling. 

PLAYBOY: But you did knock the city. 
DUCHOVNY: Yeah, and if I had to do it 
again I wouldn't. Everybody knows it 
rains a lot up there, and everybody who 
saw that interview could see I was joking. 
J thought it was clear that 1 was making 
a joke, but I underestimated the xeno- 
phobia and the fact that I was a foreign- 
er and a guest in that city. I won't do that 
again. 

PLAYBOY: How much time have you spent 
in therapy, trying to figure out who 
you are? 


80 DUCHOVNY: I have a therapist I trust. I've 


known six years. When we were 
shooting in Vancouver I called him, we 
did the phone thing. Each session lasted 
an hour. And I also paid for the call, 
which I n't think was fair—he should 
have paid. I'm good on the phone. My 
view of therapy is that it helps you tell 
the story of your life to yourself as you're 
living it, in a way that makes you happi- 
er than you might be without it. I don't 
really believe it’s a way of getting to the 
truth, and I don't believe it can heal you. 
It teaches you to seize the narrative of 
your life in a way that makes it better for 
you. That's what I've gotten out of 
now have a different view on the events 
of my life and my participation in them. 
PLAYBOY: So you're enjoying a better 
made-up life than whatever the reality 
might be? 

DUCHOVNY: [Laughs] No, no. I tell him 
the terrible things that I do and he tells 
me they’re not so rible. “Here, let's 
look at it this way." There's a therapist 
named James Hillman who I like very 
much, and that's his thinking—that the 
self is a fictional creation anyway. Thera- 
py enables you to seize control of that fic- 


My big porn years were the 
late Eighties. It’s like watch- 
ing sports—it has eras. Was 
Marilyn Chambers better 
than Ona Zee? 


tionalization and not be made by other 
people. If the greatest artwork in life is 
the creation of who you are, then it’s 
good to apprentice to a good therapist. 
PLAYBOY: Some people we know do 
Freudian therapy five days a week. 
DUCHOVNY: My dad did that for a while. I 
can't imagine it. I don't have that much 
to say. My internal monolog is heavy, 
but I can't keep talking to somebody 
like that. 

PLAYBOY: With that , how do you feel 
about doing interviews? 

DUCHOVNY: I get interviewed out. There 
are only so many interviews I want to do. 
I get tired of hearing the sound of my 
voice. I repeat myself, which makes me 
feel like an imposter. It can send you in- 
to a funk. 

One of the tricks of interviewing that 
always kills me is a question like, “Tell 
me about your acting style.” And I'll say, 
“Well, the kind of acting that I do is blah 
blah blah.” Then that will appear in the 
article without the question, like I just 
started talking about my acting style 
Why do actors always appear so self-cen- 
tered? Well, they've got people asking 
them questions about themselves. It’s 


not their choice to talk about themselves. 
I would rather talk about other people. 
It's more interesting to hear about you 
than to talk about me. I like it when Nor- 
man Mailer interviews somebody be- 
cause it's always about Mailer. You know 
you're safe with him, because you don't 
have to talk much about yourself. You'll 
talk about Mailer's impression of you 
and how you remind him of him. 
Neusweek felt so bad about putting us 
on the cover that they had to insult us in 
the article. There was this give-and-take 
in that article where they asked me, like 
you did, if The X-Files is a religious show. 
I said, “It’s as religious as Howdy Doo- 
dy.” The writer says, “No, but really —” 
And I go, “Well, it has to do with peo- 
ple having metaphysical yearnings that 
are no longer answered in traditional 
ways.” Then I see the article and it says, 
“Duchovny alternates between flip and 
pretentious.” Well, where else could 1 
fall? What were the possibilities for me? 
You asked me the question, I tried to tell 
you what I think, you didn’t accept that 
so I tried to answer it in the terms you 
gave me. And then you present me as ап 
obnoxious high schooler-pretentious 
former Yale graduate student, putting 
me in the most clichéd group. After that 
article I just went, “Fuck it. I’m not go- 
ing to win this one.” So I decided to be 
quiet. This will be the last interview I'll 
do fora while. I have no reason to publi- 
cize the TV show. I felt loyal to the movie 
and I wanted to get my face out there. I 
played that game. But when you see that 
kind of shit come back at you, it’s 
painful. 
PLAYBOY: Whose ideas in this century 
have intoxicated you? 
DUCHOVNY: Freud. Nietzsche. Wallace 
Stevens. Darwin is probably the most 
revolutionary thinker and most influen- 
tial of all time. 
PLAYBOY: Would these people be the ones 
you'd like to have at the proverbial din- 
ner with historical figures? 
DUCHOVNY: Nah, you don’t know them, 
they're not famous. You've got to think 
party. If you have Darwin, Christ and 
Nietzsche, they're all going to talk at 
once. You need somebody who listens, 
PLAYBOY: Who would you have, then? 
DUCHOVNY: Gee. Christ. Buddha. Elvis 
for a little fame. We'd retire to the dr 
ing room and Elvis would sing a bit. 
Shakespeare would be interesting be- 
cause he was an actor; I could talk to him 
about acting and writing. And the fifth? 
Who's cooking? Get Wolfgang Puck. 
PLAYBOY: So, no women at your table? 
DUCHOVNY: That's true. Joan of Arc. Or 
Anne Hutchinson. Or Anne Boleyn, be- 
cause she was hot and would have some 
good gossipy stuff about that time. Ty- 
phoid Mary Га want to talk to, as long as 
she wouldn't spill. 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He’s a man who knows how to top off an evening. They celebrated her big promotion with a sun- 
set dinner harborside, and now they're savoring life's twin treats—aged brandy and a fine cigar. 
PLAYBOY men smoked nearly 3 million cigars in the past week alone. Last month they drank close 
to 5 million glasses of cordials and brandy—that’s more than was consumed by the men 
who read GQ and Esquire combined. PLAYBOY—it's a lifestyle. (Source: Spring 1998 MRI.) 


82 


beautiful women surrounded the great man on his triumphant tour 


through the capitals of europe, catering to his every desire, and then ... 


fiction by 


JOYCE CAROL OATES 


i ESPITE the festive 
time of year, it had 
become, for X, a sea- 
son of numerous dis- 
contents. The more 
acclaimed he was in 

the public world, the more the myriad 

imperfections of others, in the private 
world, offended him. 

The imperfections of women, partic- 
ularly. There were women who oflend- 
ed by making no effort to be femi- 
nine—sexually attractive. There were 
women who offended by making too 
obvious an effort. As if he, age 73, were 
an ordinary old fool, a would-be lecher 
tobe galvanized into responding to fe- 
male subterfuge of any kind. 

X had become by degrees an elder 
literary celebrity of international rep- 
utation, a novelist, poet and essayist 
once called by The Times Literary Supple- 
ment the “last man of leuers"—an exag- 
geration surely, but one which pleased. 
He was a perennial candidate for the 


Nobel Prize and a favorite of many out- 
spoken literary commentators in Eng- 
land and the U.S. In real life, he was 
larger, more bulky of body than his 
photographs suggested; still, he had a 
handsome head, a much-creased but 
lapidary face with recessed, hooded, 
haunted-looking eyes, thin white hair 
brushed back from his forehead in 
wings, He rarely smiled, his face grown 
mask-like with thought and calcula- 
tion. His manners were exquisite, 
though sometimes rude. He was, his 
admirers acknowledged, difficult. But 
a genius, of course. Even before he'd 
become rich he'd taken care to dress 
expensively in custom-made suits, 
white silk ts, elegant neckties. His 
nails were manicured, his jaw smoothly 
shaven, his cologne carefully chosen. 
‘There had emerged in the past several 
months a just-perceptible, infuriating 
tremor in his left hand, which X con- 
trolled by gripping that hand tightly 
whenever possible. And sometimes, in 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN OROSZ 


the early morning, his eyes watered 
mysteriously, blurring his vision in a 
maddening way as if unprepared, after 
the intense, private state of sleep, for 
contact with the air. But X had never 
been one to indulge weakness, in him- 
self or in others, and he gave liule 
thought to these matters. Because he'd 
become famous, he was much pho- 
tographed; because he'd been much 
photographed, he became yet more fa- 
mous. Often, he murmured his name 
aloud—X. J am X and no other. He could 
not have said if he was proud of such a 
fate, or humble. From within, the great 
man may be as much in awe of his 
greatness as are others. How has it 
happened? Jam X. I! 

These were secrets of X's inner life, 
of course. Never shared with another. 

Another secret X could not keep 
from sharing with certain others, his 
several earlier wives and some of the 
women with whom, over the decades, 
he'd become intimate. This was the 


asthmatic condition he'd endured for 
more than six decades. The attacks 
varied widely in intensity, having been 
severe in childhood, intermittent in 
adulthood and now more or less con- 
trolled by medication developed in the 
past 20 years. Yet sometimes in the 
middle of the night X woke choking 
for breath, thrashing about in terror 
that breath would be denied him—his 
life would be denied him! He'd badly 
frightened his most recent wife shortly 
before leaving on an ambitious Euro- 
pean tour to promote his newest book 
when he'd awoken from a seeming- 
ly dreamless sleep convinced he was 
choking, suffocating. The woman shar- 
ing his bed, whom he had not immedi- 
ately recognized as his wife, had cried, 
panicked, “What is it? Oh, what is 
it?"—but even after he'd recovered 
from the attack, X didn't tell her his 
secret since childhood. I'm fighting for 
my life. 
. 


Strange, how he took an instant, vis- 
ceral dislike to the girl 

Her incessant, nervous smile in his 
presence. Fleshy lips that were too 
pale, without lipstick. A plain, scrubbed- 
looking face devoid of makeup. How 
like a schoolgirl in manner, shy, ca- 
ger to please, yet her khaki-colored 
clothes—a loose-fitting jacket and 
matching trousers—and her lean, boy- 
ish body itself seemed to him brazenly 
unappealing. This girl was of any age 
between 20 and 30, he supposed; it of- 
fended him that his French publisher 
had chosen her to translate his latest 
book of essays. In the publisher's office 
he'd barely nodded at her when they 
were introduced, and had not heard 
her last name. His manner conveyed 
an aristocratic hauteur even as he 
smiled, uttered witticisms and spoke at 
length, always compellingly, as if his 
words were prose and not merely 
words. At the luncheon in his honor, in 
an elegant three-star Parisian restau- 
rant tastefully decorated for the Christ- 
mas season, he'd avoided sitting near 
the unattractive girl in khaki, and had 
not once glanced at her during the 
course of the meal; yet he heard him- 
self saying coldly, in response to some 
praise of his new book made by one 
of the journalists at the table, “Really? 
But the translation leaves something to 
be desired, I think. I open the book 
at random, and I read——” And іп 
his beautifully modulated voice, clear 


enough to be heard virtually every- 
where in the restaurant, X read a pas- 
sage with seeming spontaneity and 
subtle, almost playful mockery, in the 
translator's French, then shut his eyes 
and recited his own prose, in English. 
Around the table, his audience of 12 
people sat very still, listening in amaze- 
ment. What a performance! How it 
would be spoken of, for years after- 
ward! Not once did X glance at the girl 
translator who, stricken with chagrin, 
hunched gracelessly, elbows on the 
table with both hands pressed against 
her mouth. X was a gentleman, yet he 
could not mitigate his scorn. “There is 
no excuse, I think we can agree, for 
such slovenliness,” he said, and shut 
the book with a snap. 

In the embarrassed silence, the girl 
translator murmured something dazed 
and unintelligible, whether in English 
or in French X could not have said, 
and stumbled away from the table. 

X's publisher began to apologize 
profusely. As did others at the firm. It 
would require many minutes, and a 
fresh bottle of 1962 Bordeaux, to bring 
the distinguished man of letters 
around to his usual equanimity. 


You won't readily forget X, will you, my 
girl? Alone in his luxurious hotel suite, 
mellow with the afterglow of exquisite 
wine, X felt a belated tinge of guilt. 
Seeing again the girl translator's plain, 
pale face, the fading smile and that 
look of slow-dawning incredulity and 
hurt in her eyes. Although it had 
seemed dramatically spontaneous, X'S 
gesture had been rehearsed; in fact, 
he'd had to search for some minutes 
before the luncheon to find a passage 
from the French edition of his book 
that might seem to diverge slightly in 
tone from the original English. (X won- 
dered if perhaps he'd done something 
like this before, in another language, 
during an earlier European tour. His 
performance seemed to him vaguely 
familiar, like the startled expressions 
on the faces of his rapt listeners.) He 
smiled uneasily, thinking of how the 
tale would be told, and retold, in liter- 
ary Paris. Swiftly it would make its way 
to London and New York. X's French 
publisher had promised that in future 
editions of X's book, the offending pas- 
sage would be modified; the several 
journalists at the luncheon, attached to 
major Parisian publications, would re- 
spectfully report X's penchant for per- 


bringing him a most unusual christmas present 


fectionism. Almost, X felt sorry for the 
girl translator, She was young, inexpe- 
rienced, ignorant. It hadn't been en- 
tirely her fault, perhaps. 

But, after all, X had a reputation to 
uphold. The last man of letters. 


En route to Berlin several days later, 
X inwardly vowed he wouldn't behave 
in such a way again, no matter how 
provoked, for, after all, he was a gentle- 
man. Soon after his arrival, during a 
press conference at his hotel, he found 
himself yet another time repelled by a 
young female—a striking blonde jour- 
nalist attached to the cultural desk of 
one of Germany's premiere weekly 
magazines. This girl journalist was 
younger even than the French girl 
translator, or appeared so, and consid- 
erably younger than the other inter- 
viewers, nearly all of whom were men. 
X found it difficult to take his eyes off 
her even when he was answering ques- 
tions put to him by others, for here was 
a brazenly attractive female, no doubt 
one of the new-generation Berliners 
whom X had heard were professionally 
ambitious and sexually liberated. Here 
was a girl well aware of the impression 
she made upon male eyes. She had 
long, straight, dyed-blonde hair that fell 
past her shoulders, and large, staring 
eyes behind green-tinted glasses, and 
full, fleshy lips that shone with crimson 
gloss; she was forever moving her body 
seductively, and brushing her hair out 
of her eyes with nervous gestures, and 
fixing X with a gaze of starstruck adu- 
lation so extreme as to seem mocking. 
And how absurd her costume, resem- 
bling a parachutist's jumpsuit of some 
silvery-steel synthetic fabric, clinging to 
a thin, perversely erotic body. X felt a 
shiver of repugnance that a female so 
blatantly lacking both breasts and hips 
should present herself in a seductive 
manner. And her Berlin-accented Eng- 
lish grated against his ears. And she 
was hardly shy, posing questions with 
the confidence, or more than the confi- 
dence, of her fellow interviewers. How 
did she dare! The girl seemed to pride 
herself on her ability to speak English, 
allowing X to know that she traveled 
often to the States and had stayed for 
some time in New York—"in Tri- 
beca"—Aand she'd read “almost every 
one" of X's books as a college student, 
in English of course. X stared at the 
girl interviewer with scarcely concealed 
fury. There was a tremor in his left eye, 


85 


PLAYBOY 


86 


and he was obliged to grip his left hand 
tightly with his right; someone must 
have been smoking in the room, for his 
throat was constricted. How offensive, 
the way the girl interviewer wetted her 
lips as she posed a question to X, 
brushing her shining hair out of her 
face for the dozenth ume, and leaning 
forward so that the neck of the jump- 
suit shifted to reveal the tops of her 
small waxy-white breasts, naked inside 
the costume. Worse yet, she had a way 
of uttering X's full name with heavi- 
ly accented solemnity, as if the distin- 
guished man of letters were already 
dead and this was some sort of posthu- 
mous occasion honoring him. Unbear- 
able! At last X lost his patience, star- 
tling everyone in the room by bringing 
his fist down hard on a tabletop and 
saying, with icy courtesy, “Excuse me, 
Fraulein, Would you please speak Eng- 
lish? I am having a most difficult time 
understanding you.” 

X had interrupted the blonde girl in- 
terviewer in the midst ofa lengthy, pre- 
tentious question about X's literary 
forebears and his political leanings, 
and now she blinked at him in stunned 
chagrin, started as if he'd leaned over 
to slap her arrogant face. There was an 
abrupt silence in the room. (It seemed 
to X that the other interviewers glanced 
at one another with small smiles—they 
approved, did they, of X's admonish- 
ment?) Half a dozen tape cassettes 
spun in their machines in the awkward 
stillness. 

Then the girl stammered an apology, 
her face flushed; the press conference 
resumed, though with more formality 
and hesitancy; no one wished to offend 
X but posed to him questions of a sort 
he encountered everywhere in Eu- 
rope, to which he answered with his 
usual balance of wit and sobriety, casu- 
alness and elegance. At the conclusion 
of the hour, everyone applauded, ev- 
eryone, with the conspicuous excep- 
tion of the blonde girl, who'd sat silent 
and hunched in her chair as others 
spoke, staring at X's feet, twisting a 
strand of hair and bringing it to her 
mouth unconsciously, like an over- 
grown, hurt child. As the others polite- 
ly shook X's hand in farewell and 
thanked him for the privilege of the in- 
terview, the girl retreated without a 
word and was gone. X frowned after 
her, annoyed. It would only have been 
good manners for her to come forward 
and apologize, after all. It was clear 
that the new generation of German 
youth lacked the courtesy of their el- 
ders. X had noticed, too, belatedly, 
with a small tinge of regret, that the 
girl had brought with her a duffel bag 
that was no doubt crammed books 
of X's she'd hoped for him to sign, but 
she'd crept away without asking him to 


sign even one. So rude. 

Also in Bei X was vexed by the 
publicist assigned to him during his vis- 
it, a fleshy, perfumy girl in an alarm- 
ingly short vinyl miniskirt, black tex- 
tured stockings and shiny black boots 
to midthigh, who, in the limousine in 
which they traveled together from ap- 
pointment to appointment, was forever 
chattering on her cellular phone. Yet 
he maintained a dignified composure 
and made no complaint of her apart 
from a casual, glancing remark to the 
head of the publishing house about the 
amusing resemblance between the pro- 
fessional class of young Berlin women 
and “women for hire.” In Berlin, as 
throughout Germany, X was treated 
with the respect due one of his stature; 
as his German agent pointed out, sales 
of X's books were high and steady. In 
Stockholm, in Copenhagen, in Amster- 
dam and at last in Rome, at the conclu- 
sion of his itinerary, X was treated roy- 
ally, and so made an effort to bear in 
stoic silence, as much as he could, the 
grating imperfections of girl transla- 
tors. girl interviewers, girl publicists 
and even, outrageously, girl editors— 
for it was quite a shock to X to discover 
that the editor at his Italian publisher 
who'd overseen his books for 20 years 
had retired and been replaced by an 
exuberant young Milanese woman of 
no more than 35, a specialist in Ameri- 
can literature who'd taken courses at 
Columbia and whose name was some- 
thing like Tonia, or Tanya. X took an 
immediate dislike to this girl editor, 
whose complexion appeared slightly 
coarse and whose long face and nose 
were so recognizably Italian; he disap- 
proved of makeup on one so homely 
and wondered if the single gold ring 
on her left hand was a wedding band— 
or was X supposed to play a sort of 
guessing game, not knowing if she was 
married or not? Though Tonia, or 
Tanya, was deferential to the distin- 
guished elder writer, he resented her 
familiarity with his books, as if, know- 
ing his books, she somehow knew him, 
forever quoting, in the presence of oth- 
ers, from X's writing, as if he were a 
revered authority on literature, poli- 
tics, morals and the very universe 
Nothing more vulgar than fulsome flat- 
tery! Almost, X wondered if Tonia, or 
‘Tanya, was deliberately making him 
out to be, by her exce: homage, a 
pompous old fool. “Enough, please!” X 
several times protested, but his distress 
was misinterpreted by the girl as old- 
fashioned humility, or shyness; she per- 
sisted in her enthusiasm, until X had 
all he could do to listen in pained si- 
lence. It annoyed him, too, that Tonia, 
or Tanya, should exhibit such a gener- 
al zest for American writers, including 
on her list even notorious feminists 


who had. for political reasons, long ago 
denounced X. Had she no sense? Had 
she no embarrassment? X was particu- 
larly incensed when she introduced 
him as “the greatest American writer of 
his generation.” American only? Of his 
generation only? As if X's achievements 
had not lifted him well above the mere 
provincial and time-bound. X felt the 
sting of this insult as if the arrogant 
young woman had reached over to 
tweak his nose, but he bore his displea- 
sure in dignified silence until at last, on 
the eve of his departure from Rome, 
two days before Christmas, at a small, 
elegant dinner in his honor, when the 
girl editor began again to quote him in 
her proprietary, maddening way, X 
turned to his host, the wealthy owner 
of the publishing house, and said in a 
voice clear and penetrating enough to 
be heard about the table, “Excuse me! I 
am so very weary of chattering syco- 
phants, I believe I would like to be 
driven back to my hotel.” 

How silent everyone was, at once. 
How like magic X's effect upon these 
strangers. He did not deign to glance 
at the stunned girl editor but was well 
aware of the incredulity and hurt in 
her eyes. And so, dramatically, there 
came to an end X's European itinerary, 
the last publicity tour of his career. 


You won't readily forget X, will you, 
my girl? 

X smiled to himself as, in his luxuri- 
ous suite at the top of the Spanish 
Steps, he prepared somewhat distract- 
edly for bed and for an early awaken- 
ing in the morning. Yet he was in- 
censed, still, insulted. His dinner had 
not agreed with him, nor the several 
glasses of chianú, an artery throbbed in 
his head, and his breath was short as if 
he'd been running. The indignities 
he'd had to bear on this European trip 
were outrageous for one of his stature 
and age! No doubt there was. in his 
wake, a flurry of anecdotes, in time to 
become literary legends; much would 
be embellished and exaggerated. But 
such was unavoidable, for X was, after 
all, a famous man; about famous men, 
all sorts of wild legends accrue. He was 
an arust, a creator, like Picasso, Bee- 
thoven—a man of unpredictable moods; 
a man of genius, of course, and genius 
must be indulged, not stifled. 

X had been driven back to the hotel 
in his host's limousine, accompanied 
by the contrite, apologetic man, and 
though X had of course accepted his 
publisher's apologies for the tactless 
behavior of an employee, X was well 
aware that the girl editor herself had 
retreated from the table in mortified si- 
lence, no doubt to a women's room to 
repair the damage done to her vanity; 


“I really enjoyed the dinner. Now is there any way 


I can thank you ladies?” 


87 


PLAYBOY 


88 


but she'd made no effort to follow after 
X, to explain and to apologize. X won- 
dered if it might be time to instruct his 
Italian agent to find another publisher 
for his books, one more congenial to 
his needs. 

So you will soon see, X is not to be treated 
lightly. 

This prospect would ordinarily have 
placated X, for through his career he 
had derived considerable pleasure 
from making abrupt switches from 
publisher to publisher, and indeed 
he'd switched literary agents several 
times. But, happening to turn on an 
overhead fluorescent light in his bath- 
room, he was shocked to see how ex- 
hausted, how sallow, how aged he 
looked. Is that X? Dear God! X's heart 
thudded as if a cruel prank had been 
played on him. Like many individuals 
of a certain age, he had long practiced 
the technique of what might be called 
the discreet angle; he seemed to know 
by instinct which mirrors would glare 
out at him and which would soothe his 
eyes; in his imagination, it was not a 
mirror reflection he saw when pictur- 
ing himself, but his most frequently 
reprinted publicity photograph, which 
showed a handsome white-haired gen- 
tleman with sensitive eyes, a wide, 
thought-creased brow and a sympa- 
thetic expression. But now, in the bath- 
room mirror, what did he see but a 
ghastly frog-face, sunken eyes and 
quivering jowls and a pug nose with 
dark, hairy nostrils! Is that X? No, it 
cannot be. All along, others, including 
women, had gazed openly upon this 
face, while he himself had been spared; 
but now he saw his own true face, in 
the fluorescent glare of a bathroom 
mirror in Rome, and the sight of it 
made him sway with dizziness, nau- 
sea. He slammed the flat of his hand 
against the mirror and cried, “I de- 
serve better. 1 deserve your respect. 
How dare you insult те!" 


Though X was exhausted, as ex- 
hausted as he'd ever been in his life, 
and though the enormous canopied 
bed was as comfortable a bed as he'd 
ever lain in, he had difficulty sleeping; 
his brain swirled with vivid, hallucina- 
tory images and shrill snatches of voic- 
es and laughter. His dinner weighed 
heavily in his stomach, and the wine 
he'd drunk, against doctor’s orders— 
for X took blood-pressure medica- 
tion—made his temples ache and his 
heart pound in a wayward, lurching 
manner. As often at such times when, 
in a foreign city amid luxurious sur- 
roundings, he was suffused with a 
sense of regret, melancholy, guilt; for 
what exactly, he didn't know; for hav- 
ing quarreled with his wife, perhaps, 


before leaving on the tour; for having 
refused to take her with him; even as, 
in his confused state, he had to ac- 
knowledge that he didn't clearly recall 
which wife, which woman, this was; on 
a previous European tour he'd fall- 
en in love with a woman some years 
younger than he, and he'd divorced his 
wife to marry this woman. But precise- 
ly which woman she was, and whether 
she preceded, or succeeded, one or two 
other women who resembled her, he 
didn't know; the effort of trying to 
make sense of it exhausted him and 
disgusted him. What do I care for the 
merely personal life? I am destined for high- 
er things. With a start, he recalled that 
he had children scattered about the 
world, not only grown but frankly mid- 
dle-aged children, and there was some- 
thing repulsive about middle-aged 
children, something very unnatural; 
could he be responsible for squabbling 
offspring, must he be their father for- 
ever? Why should he, X, who'd labored 
so hard to create a reputation, to amass 
a modest fortune, provide them with 
the charity they seemed to think they 
deserved? As if, crouched forever in 
shadow, deprived of natural sun- 
shine, these hulking, overgrown chil- 
dren possessed no volition of their 
own, no souls. Leave me alone! I don't 
know a single one of you. 

Suddenly the dark of the unfamiliar 
bedroom was shattered by a gaily ring- 
ing phone close beside Х bed. X fum- 
bled to answer, stunned, groggy, yet 
relieved, for he'd had enough of his 
miserable thoughts; this was his last 
night in Rome, his last night in Europe, 
and he deserved better. The call was 
from the hotel's room service, a heavily 
accented Italian voice inquiring if the 
signore would accept a midnight treat 
from admirers of his books; X heard 
himself say, with childlike eagerness, 
"Yes, good! Send it up, please, at once,” 
though the suite was already filled with 
virtually untouched holiday gift bottles 
of wine, champagne, liqueur, expen- 
sive páté and cheeses, as well as enor- 
mous, cloyingly fragrant floral displays 
of the kind suitable for a funeral home. 
Quickly X climbed out of bed, strug- 
gled into his silk dressing gown, squint- 
ed into a mirror and made a swipe at 
brushing back his disheveled, filmy- 
pale hair from his flushed forehead. 
Here was a more flattering mirror, soft- 
ened by lamplight, providing a more 
authentic portrait of the distinguished 
writer. Even as X stumbled into the 
other room he heard a low rapid 
knocking at the door, for already the 
room service delivery was there; he 
heard, too, curious muflled voices and 
giggles in the corridor. Excitedly he 
Called, “Yes, thank you, 1 am here!” 

Opening the door then to see to his 


surprise that the bellboy was not a male 
after all, but a female, though wearing 
the old-fashioned olive-gray livery of 
the renowned hotel, with rows of but- 
tons and gold brocade, and a visored 
cap perched rakishly on her head. 
Why, it was the girl editor of X's Italian 
publishing house whom, only an hour 
or so ago, X had denounced as a chat- 
tering sycophant! Tonia, or Tanya, 
clearly wanted to make restitution, to 
apologize; her skin was no longer 
coarse or displeasing to the eye but 
glowed with cosmetics, and her thick, 
black Italian hair was loose, in tendrils 
and wisps falling seductively to her 
shoulders. Even as, in exuberant high 
spirits, Tonia, or Tanya, flashed a daz- 
zling smile at the elder writer, crying, 
“Signor X, may we come in? We have 
such Christmas surprises!” X under- 
stood that he would forgive her. 

How dreamlike and confused and 
ously wonderful it was, X's sur- 
prise midnight treat, like nothing else 
he had experienced in more than 70 
years of existence: And only a few min- 
utes before, how self-pitying, how mor- 
bid he'd been! He stood back in awe as 
the Italian girl editor and another at- 
tractive female in bellboy livery pushed 
an ornate silver cart of the approxi- 
mate size of a hospital gurney into the 
sitting room; the cart was heaped with 
delicacies—an unusually large bottle 
of champagne in a gilt-embossed wrap- 
per not familiar to X's eye, goose-liver 
paté and gourmet cheeses and crusty 
breads, chocolate-covered truffles, 
bonbons, cashews and pistachio nuts, 
and remarkable fruits of all varieties: 
great glossy apples, blood oranges, fat 
black grapes, plums and kiwis, classi- 
cally proportioned and in colors vivid 
as a still life by Matisse. X saw to his as- 
tonishment that the Italian girl's com- 
panion was the Fraulein with the long, 
shimmering, dyed-blonde hair who'd 
interviewed him in Berlin! The first 
several buttons of her jacket were un- 
buttoned to show the alluring tops of 
her pale, perfect little breasts, and she 
too flashed a dazzling smile at X, as if 
she and he were old friends, sharing 
delicious secrets. At once, his heart 
swelling with magnanimity, X forgave 
the brash Fraulein, too. “Yes, of course! 
Please come in,” he stammered, laugh- 
ing in delight. 

It occurred to X that, through his 
long, blessed life, in such instances of 
surprise and confusion, he'd stood by 
helplessly as others, nearly always wom- 
en, took charge. 

And now a third young female in 
bellboy costume appeared. helping to 
push the cart, and yet a fourth! The 
heavy door was shut, amid giggles 
high-pitched and silvery as the ünkling 

(continued on page 211) 


nd so one man created 
two houses and all men would 
forever want to go to these hous- 
es, to be inside. Last time I was 
inside, at the second house, des- 
perate men outside were trying to 
climb the towering walls to get in. 
It was a Party night, so they could 
not be blamed—prosecuted per- 
haps, but never blamed. I remem- 
ber nights in Chicago when I 
stood outside of the first house, 
staring, imagining, wanting in so 
bad. I stood outside the iron gates, 
a dream-drunk college dope, and 
thought of something the man 
who lived in that house would 
often recall: “I remember, in the 
days prior to the magazine,” he 
had liked to confess, “walking the 
streets of Chicago late at night, 
looking at the lights in the high- 


rises and very much wanting to be 
a part of ‘the good life’ I thought 
the people in those buildings must 
be leading.” This was consolation, 
of course, small but reassuring 
enough. I thought: Even he under- 
stands! This exquisite torment—he 
knows! Then again, that which was 
once considered urban good life 
had, in this very home, under the 
roof and the sway of this man 
called Hefner, become Good Life 
supernova. More than that even. 
I think of the phrase coined by 
one beloved habitué of both hous- 
es, the eminent historian Max Ler- 
ner, who would survey life on the 
premises, east and west, and duly 
exult: “Pretty goddamned fucking 
marvelous!” Well, yes, but un- 
derstatement still. 
Oh, to be at Hef’s! This is 
all any grown boy, sound 
of mind and libido, (text 
continued on page 204) 


DICk GREGORY 


BEING WELCOMED TO 
THE MANSION 

You have to go back to that ero, the 
eorly Sixties, and reolize how big 
Playboy wos. Crowds would stond 
across the street just to wotch people 
go into the Playboy Club. Now, 99.9 
percent of the people ot the Playboy 
Club didn’t even know where the 
Mansion wos, so to be able to leave 
the Club and go to the Mansion—as 
a black, I'd only witnessed this in 
movies when | wos o child. | never 
reolized that meat came thot large. | 
wos owed. And there wos olways 
plenty. There wos no such thing as, 
you get there ot four in the morning 
ond the plates are almost empty. The 
people there were so nice; | guess 
they took on the atmosphere of the 
Mansion. | was there mony times 
‘ond | never sow onyone orgue, nev- 
er sow anyone drunk—and the whis- 
key flowed like woter. You might have 
something depressing on your mind. 
But when you got there it just dis- 
oppeored. To be able to sit and look 
at people in the swimming pool, 
through the window in the Under- 
woter Bar, like you were looking ot 
o television set, was incredible. It 
was o great port of my life and 
it prepared me for going around 
the world, meeting with kings and 
queens and going into palaces. | 
could say, “Well, you know, it’s a 
lovely place you have, but ! hove 
been here before.” 


© come, all ye faithful: Hef 
threw a Playmate Holiday 
House Party to commemo- 
rate PLAYBOY's eighth anni- 
versary. Decking his holls 
were (left ond below) Sher- 
olee Conners, Kathy Doug- 
las, Linda Gamble, Joni 
Mattis, Joyce Nizzori, Carrie 
Radison, Elaine Reynolds, 
Elizabeth Arn Roberts, Susie 
Scott, Teddi Smith, Christa 
Speck ond Delores Wells. 


indude 


PLAYBOY EXECUTIVE 


DICK ROSENZWEIG 


THE JUSTICE'S WIFE'S 
TOUR OF THE MANSION 
Through one of the organizations | wos in 
valved with in Chicago, | met Justice Patter 
Stewart, wha was on the Supreme Court for 
many years, ond someone asked if 1 would 
give his wife a taur of the Mansion. This was 
during the day, ond os | was taking her dawn 
ta shaw her the pool, | heard same kind of 
laughing ond scratching going on. We got 
downstairs ond there was Shel Silverstein, 
nude, with two, three or four nude Playmotes, 
ог maybe Bunnies, in the pool. 1 honest to 
God did nat knaw what ta do. | think | turned 
white. Mrs. Stewart, on the other hand, was 
completely ready for this. That's what she 
expected to see. И was very funny, actually, 
thaugh it didn’t seem funny then. There was 
no reaction ot all from Shel and the girls. First 
af all, they didn’t know who she was. And 

second, they couldn't have cared less. 


They came, they saw, they partied: The Chicago Mansion shawed the show 
business elite where the action truly was. Sixties status quo an view for the 
enchanted likes af Tony Curtis or young chanteuse Barbra Streisand might 
inied Bunnies twisting up the Ballraom ar lesser-clad indoor pool 
enthusiasts making o memorable splash just ane heavenly floor below. 


Caress firepale, slide and gain abrupt entrance 
ta the subterranean Underwater Bor, where in- 
timate maments (see Hef, belaw, amid plush pil- 
lows, with companions) could be spied via the 
poal picture window—and, af course, vice verso. 


And oh, the omenities: Steamy 
sun-worshipers could happily 
cleonse ond boke, just off pool- 
side—as demonstrated, here- 
with, by Playmotes Nizzori, Rob- 
erts, Smith, Wells and Speck. 


PLAYMATE BUNNY 


PATTI REYNOLDS 


on 
CELEBS AT THE 
MANSION 
We girls were reolly, really 
populor. | met Fronk Sina- 
tro, Sommy Dovis Jr., Dole 
Robertson, Tony Bennett 
ond Worren Beotty ot the 
Monsion. Went out with 
Warren. He was good. But 
Vic Damone, he wos better. 


Attention indoor sports fons: Pillow fights forthcoming. The Monsion, 
considered the "eighth or ninth wonder of the world" by the Chicago 
Tribune, wos much more than a premiere porty paloce. Aside from 
Hef, many locol Bunnies slept here—in o reosonobly priced and 
conveniently situated, upstoirs Bunny Dorm sofe haven. 


Hef's famaus round, rotating bed—"the biggest, raundest bed in the history of the 
warld,” enthused Tom Wolfe—made his personal world turn at the touch af a 
button. "It goes 33%, 45 ond 78!" Hef liked to say, althaugh it was often weighted 
down by magazine layouts, calar slides and page proofs. Elsewhere, guests 
played—such as Lee Marvin in the Game Room. Then, in 1972, the Ralling Stones 
memorably starmed the premises; right, Hef with Jumpin’ Jock Flash, Mick Jagger. 


HEF 


THE STONES VISIT 

The night the Stones arrived, І had a long talk with Mick Jagger about American 
politics. Keith Richards, by contrast, was entirely out of it every time | saw him. 
Bill Wyman possessed a justly famous passion for girls, but he cantained himself 
lang enough for me to teach him backgammon. But the Stones hadn't come for 
politics or backgammon. They came for girls, and a great many girls came for 
them. One Bunny told this story: “I saw Mick at poolside, wearing one of those 
shorty robes, and I was struck dumb. He asked if the cat hod my tongue, and | 
blurted out, ‘I want to bile your ass.” He laughed and flipped up his robe and 
said, ‘Have at it, love’ and | did.” Bobbie Arnstein told of Mick Jagger's 
wandering into her room with sex on his mind. She said she was tempted, but 
she'd been eating cheese, and when he kissed her she pushed him away 
because she feared her breath smelled awful. Jagger tumbled onta a chair, 
which happened to contain a birthday coke. Babbie last saw him slinking out of 
her roam with gaoey white icing over his leather-clad pasterior. 


As a child, Hef was farbidden by his Methadist parents ta go to movies an Sundays. 
“Naturally,” he admits, laughing, "Sunday became movie night at the Mansian.” The popcarn 
iconoclast ond his “special lady” (above, Mary Warren) cuddled in a launger built for twa, 
surrounded by friends. Right, Hef with Mary's predecessor, Playmate Danna Michelle 


Benton, who, in 1971, found for him on exclusive estate in Holmby Hills which become Playboy Mansion West. Quite naturally, essential 
Seventies sybaritism ensued: Above left, in the Mansion's Great Hall (foreground), Ploymate Lynnda Kimball and Rot Packer Peter 
Lowford cannect. Above right, angel food pop-up Playmate Christine Maddax gives Hef, with Barbi, one of his 48th-birthday surprises. 


HEF PAL 


JOHN DANTE 


THE PICTURE OF HEF 
IN THE JACUZZI 

V think | inspired thot picture. It was 
Hef's birthdoy—I forget which ane— 
опа Sondra said to me, “What can I 
give Hef for his birthday?” She racked 
her brains, and | said, “Sondra, do 
you want to do the best thing that you 
can for him?” And she said, “Yeah, 
what?” And I said, "Get as mony Ploy- 
mates as you can and take them inta 
the Jacuzzi and do him.” 


First order af business ot Mansion West: Build 
а swimming pool and Jacuzzi Grotto. The 
results resemble a natural loke and under- 
water cave, where Hef and free-spirited guests 
could, and did, indulge their fantasies 


Guests in the West come from all wolks. Porn star Linda 
Lovelace (obove) ond her husbond stayed at the Mansion 
while house hunting; the Greatest, boxing legend and 
Chicago pal Muhammad Ali (below), stopped by to film а 
TV commerciol on the premises, with Hef's blessings 


3 == 


The Good Life in L.A. was lived largely 
outdoors. At left, cosually clad (and 
unclod) onlookers wotch Hef challenge 
bockgammon pro John Rockwell. Be- 
low right, sunseekers assemble ot pool- 
side. Above, pajamo party portici- 
pants—Morcy Honson and Missy Cleve- 
lond—odorn Hef and Shel Silverstein. 


The wet and the wild: At left, Sondra Theodore, Hef's moin squeeze from lote 1976 to 1981, takes an 
exuberant impromptu plunge from covetop waterfall. Below, Playmates Sheila Mullen, Hope Olson, 
Lisa Sohm, Laura Lyons, Sondra and Denise Michele absorb some locol color while taking a break 
from taping Playboys Playmate Party, which was a 1977 sweeps week ratings champ for ABC-TV. 


Tennis court turned roller disco 
for Hef (left) and flanking Play- 
mates Terri Welles, Candace Col- 
lins and Victaria Cooke. At right, 
UCLA coed Nancy Amons carries 
the torch for Hef's 1979 (Nude) 
Birthday Olympics, one of many 
elaborate celebrations staged by 
his pals. At bottom left, Mansion 
secretary Becky Strick breaks up 
as Hef interrupts the serious 
business of her Playmate test 
shoot, and (below), Mansionettes 
Terrie Congie, Hope Olson, Nicki 
Thomas and Sue Fiskin conspire 
to make a quartet of beautiful 
moonbeams. 


~- = 


The Village People (left) ignite o televised 25th 
anniversary party, as Darothy Stratten, Susan 
Kiger and Sondra Theadare nuzzle the host 
above. Below, beautiful music, Barbi style. 


A quarter century's warth of Playmate pulchritude overtook Mansion West in September 1979, commemarating PLAYEOY's 25th anniversary 
with a gala Playmate Reunion—which Hef considers ta this day “ane of the fondest memaries of my entire life.” “Without yau,” Hef said ta 
the assemblage, “I'd have a literary magazine.” Amang the 136 Playmates who graced the hamecaming weekend were the 11 Playmates 
af the Year posing with the faunder of the feast. From left, they are (frant row) Cyndi Waod, Manique St. Pierre, Debra Ja Fandren, Liv 
Lindeland and Linda Gamble; (second raw) Cannie Kreski, Claudia Jennings, Lillian Müller, Ja Collins, Allison Parks and Lisa Baker. 


тя 
SONDRA THEODORE 


SHARING HEF 


| was treated pretty badly by a lot af 
the girls who are naw my very close 
friends. They saw me as a threat and 
pulled same pretty mean tricks an 
me. | learned to deal with it, and 
eventually they were forced la see 
1 wasn't this conniving little chick 
trying ta steal Hef. So we cut through 
all that and had many great eve- 
nings hanging out tagether. It made 
Hef sa happy to see that the girls 
could, believe it or not, get alang 
and deal with the situatian. | said ta 
the ather girls, “Well, if we lave him, 
we will try to moke him happy, and 
he likes harmany.” So we worked 
it out, but it was the most difficult 
task to conquer about being Hef's 
girlfriend 


ТА 


"i 


The Seventies return! After a decade of devoted family life, the legendary Mansion madness is back in full swing, replete with Playmates 
prowling the grounds. For Hef's 72nd birthday bash, disca fever burned eternal: Above left, Hef and his physician buddy, Mark Saginor, 
strike Travolta poses with partners Joime Bergman and Devon Lorsh. At top right, actor Billy Zane panders the paw of one Regency 


monkey standing sentry in the Great Hall. Above right, Playmate Julie McCullough takes o sly lick from the Disco birthday cake. 


Driving Miss Millennium: Playboy jump-started the new century with a wide-ranging 
search for the Millennium Playmate. The Playboy 2000 Bus, a photo studio on wheels, 
got a gala send-off at Mansion West from Hef and Playmates galare (above). In the 
meantime, Hallywood heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio (below left) is among the new 
breed of regulars to Mansion Life, where Hef, as ever, keeps dancing into the future. 


HEF’S EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT 


MARY O'CONNOR 


THE RETURN OF 
THE PLAYMATES 
| love having the Ploymates back up at the 
Mansion. Н' the vitality af it, how pret 
ty they are. For me, it's invigorating. It 
makes me feel young. The Playmates 
moke everything came alive, with all their 
craziness and everything, and the way 
they dress, and their little psyches. And | 
missed that the mast when it shut down. 
Naw that it’s caming back, it’s wonderful 
Today Julia Schultz was aut in the drive: 
way dusting off her new car. So we all had 
to look aut the window at the car. And she 
came up to the office to say hi. We haven't 
had Playmates up here for nine years. It 
just was wonderful. In the old days, | even 
loved the promiscuity. I thought it was fun 
If you want to go ta bed with somebody 
the first time yau're aut with him, | think 
you should da it. 


PLAYMATE 


JULIE MCCULLOUGH 


observes 
HEF ON THE TOWN 

The interesting thing is, now everything old is new ogoin, so to speok. A lot 
of stuff thot wos populor woy bock—swing doncing, Twenties and Thirties 
ond Forties music—is populor ogoin. So, of oll times for Hef to be getting 
out on the nightlife scene, this is о good one becouse the stuff he likes is 
bock in vogue. The old movies, the old styles of music ond doncing ore a 
revelotion for young people. Very populor. And it's amozing the number of 
women who wont to jump Hefner oll the time. When he goes out, he's 
like —wow!—totolly surrounded by women. But I think he'll slow down 
from that o little bit, too. He's just getting out and seeing the world, ond 
once he's seen it, | think he'll stort hoving people come to him ogain. 


The Mansion’s signature pojomo porty, the Midsummer Night's Dreom, returned to Holmby Hills this year with a bong—ond o star- 
studded guest list. Top right, octor Jim Correy, octress Brande Roderick ond twins Mondy ond Sondy Bentley join Hef. Above, actresses 
Tori Spelling (left) ond Comeron Diaz (right) join the party. (Also present were Tori’s porents, Aaron ond Candy Spelling; actors George 
Clooney, Jeff Goldblum, Motthew Perry and DiCoprio, TV hosts Jerry Springer ond Bill Moher, ond scores of other celebs.) Above center, 
the world’s slinkiest conga line soshoys through the tent set up on the Mansion lown. Below, Hef with three of his fovorite componions. 


THE 
SECRETS 
WE 


KEEP there are always things best left unsaid between a man and his wife 


6 
u 
& 
& 
Е 
4 


article by Bruce Jay Friedman 


| na little-known story of Ferenc Molnár's 
(familiar only to a small group of dis- 
cerning Hungarians), an elderly couple, 
vacationing at the seaside, reflects on the 
pleasures and travails of a long and re- 
warding marriage. 

Lulled into carelessness by the ocean 
breeze, the husband makes a confession: 

“You've always suspected that I had an 
affair with the greengrocer's daughter. 
And Гуе always maintained that my atten- 
tions to her were innocent. Well . . . now it 
can be told. I did have an affair with her." 

His 90-year-old wife nods, considers 


PAINTING BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


PLAYBOY 


102 


this, then suddenly lunges forward and 
with her two remaining teeth bites off 
the end of his nose. 

The husband was fortunate not to 
have lost the tip of an appendage more 
delicate than his nose. His mistake was 
that he had ignored a basic rule of love 
and marriage: Not only is full disclo- 
sure between men and women unnec- 
essary, but it can also have disastrous 
consequences. Secrets, on the other 
hand, are the glue or lubricant—take 
your pick—that have kept many an af- 
fair or marriage humming along nicely 
and without incident. The marriage 
contract entreats newlyweds to love, 
honor and obey (a retro touch), but 
nowhere is it stated that every thought 
and activity, perverted or otherwise, 
has to be put immediately on record. 

How can it possibly enrich the life of 
your wife or lover to know that in cele- 
bration of a successful deal, you once 
rented out an entire bordello in Cuer- 
navaca for the weekend? And in what 
way does it benefit you, for that matter, 
tobe informed that in her college days, 
your beloved was known as Easy Amy? 
Or that she still services an occasional 
deliveryman, albeit presidentially? 

Such revelations, no matter how in- 
nocently put forth, can only sting and 
injure—and should be kept buried, to 
be produced only in emergencies. The 
last two lovers who were able success- 
fully to share secrets about their re- 
spective affairs were Jean-Paul Sartre 
and Simone de Beauvoir; neither, it 
must be noted, was a beauty. A case 
could be made that such individuals 
should not be allowed to have sex at all. 

Confession may be good for the soul, 
but among lovers it can be bad for the 
cojones. Secrets can be revealed in rel- 
ative safety in the confessional booth— 
or on the analyst's couch—though not 
necessarily. 

An old friend of mine, whose thera- 
pist had died, decided to continue his 
treatment with a female, since his ques- 
tionable lifestyle had never been held 
up to the light of a woman's point of 
view. During his first session, he con- 
fessed that on several occasions he had 
slept with his brother's wife. “How 
could you,” the therapist said, a look of 
revulsion on her face. “That's disgust- 
ing and only a real swine would sink 
that low.” 

Once you're comfortable with the 
idea of keeping an occasional secret 
from your wife or lover, there is no 
need to slip around furtively as if 
you're an ex-employee of Stasi. It isn't 
as if you've been sworn to omerta by a 
roomful of individuals named Vinnie. 
Nor do you need to clasp your hands 
behind your back, bounce up and 
down on your toes and wear a smug 
expression that says: “I know some- 


thing that you don't.” You are not a 12- 
year-old girl. And you absolutely want 
to avoid throwing out tantalizing hints 
about your secret, such as “I'll bet you 
think I'm attracted to your friend Mar- 
cia. Well, you're wrong. I'm not.” 

To use the phrase that’s come back 
into prominence after years of neglect: 
Be cool. You have a few secrets. Big 
deal. All that has happened is that 
you've decided there are certain ar- 
eas of your life—the hidden bank ac- 
counts in Costa Rica, a lust for CNN 
anchorwomen—that are better left 
undiscussed. 

An intelligent wife or lover will never 
press you for intimate details of your 
life. Only someone who truly hates you 
will need to know everything you did— 
and with whom you did it. 

But now and then, even the most 
sensitive and caring partner will ex- 
press curiosity about your activities and 
ask a potentially dangerous question— 
related, as an example, to an out-of- 
town trip. 

“What did you do with yourself at 
night, big guy?” 

At such an incendiary moment—and 
with a loaded question in the air—it's 
essential to have on hand several re- 
sponses that are truthful as far as they go 
but do not, of course, tell the entire 
(and perhaps disgraceful) story. 

‘Two replies that have been known to 
be effective: 

“1 hung out.” 

“I bounced around.” 

Both have the appeal of being suc- 
cinct. Each has a thin coating of truth 
to it. Either one will buy you time until 
the state of emergency is lifted. 

No doubt you did hang out. And in 
the process, you did indeed bounce 
around. The fact that the individual 
you hung out with was a desirable nu- 
bile and that it was her four-poster bed 
you both bounced around on are de- 
tails that are best not stated for they 
can only serve to clutter your story. 
Sexually speaking, there is no need to 
dot all the i's, etc. What does matter is 
that you've come forward boldly with 
a smattering of truth—and that you 
haven't been caught lying through 
your teeth, which, as Americans, we all 
know is unappealing. 

Your wife, or lover, will have her own 
stock of demitruths to explain away 
her whereabouts and behavior. If she 
says she spent the afternoon with a 
friend, leave it at that. Don't insist on 
knowing who the friend was, how they 
amused themselves and why she has a 
mysterious flushed look on her face. A 
detailed account might spoil your day. 

A wealthy acquaintance of mine in- 
sisted on knowing everything about his 
young wife's early sex life and was not 
satisfied by her assurances that she did 


“the things that any normal, healthy 
single girl would do.” 

Finally, she could no longer tolerate 
his badgering. 

“If you must know,” she informed 
him, “I was considered the best blow 
job in San Diego.” 

Shaken but undaunted, he foolishly 
insisted on knowing how he compared 
her previous lovers. 

“Let me see,” she said, giving the 
matter some thought. “I'd say you're 
the 14th best lay I've ever had.” 


“Are you married 

This is the question being asked 
stubbornly—and irritatingly—by at- 
tractive women in bars, and it's usually 
accompanied by a veiled threat: Say yes 
and you're dead in the water. 

Here again, a reply that falls a bit 
short of full disclosure can be useful. 

‘Two that might help keep your oars 
in the water are: 

“That depends on your definition of 
marriage.” 

“Oh, I'm married all right.” (Pause 
here for a long, anguished sigh.) “If 
you want to call it a marriage.” 

Another possibility is to do an end 
around, which falls somewhere be- 
tween admission and denial: 

“Aren’t most people married these 
days?” 

There is also the fib-that-really-isn't, 
a response that might have its origin in 
the Oval Office: 

“Um separated at the moment.” 
(This can be said with all sincerity—es- 
pecially if your wife is at home watch- 
ing Frasier reruns.) 

A lighthearted reply can often work 
wonders: 

“I guess you could say I’m a litle 
married.” 

Intrigued by this amusing response. 
a buxom young charmer might ask at 
that point if you are happily married, 
setting the stage for a classic example 
of sophisticated fudging: 

“Who among us knows what happi- 
ness is?” 

And finally, you might be tempted to 
throw up your hands and, disregard- 
ing the consequences, make a full dis- 
dosure—often with a surprising result: 

HE: “I'm about as married as you 
can get." 

SHE: “Oh, good, I only date married 
men.” 

‘Two other scenarios in which you 
might want to shade your real feelings: 

SHE [showing up with a weird hairstyle): 
"What do you think?” 

HE: "You should have done it years 
ago." (Translation: It's much too late to 
do it now.) 

SHE [seeing a gorgeous young thing enter 

(concluded on page 194) 


See 
S 


>> 


SS: 


“Ho, Ho, Ho...! 


103 


104 


NYONE WHO followed the Chicago 

Bulls’ six world championship runs 

in eight seasons—and even those 

who didn't—witnessed legendary 
basketball and the dominating reign of Michael 
Jordan. As impressive as Jordan's on-court he- 
roics and role as team mentor is his capacity for 
not playing his age. Jordan, who turns 36 in 
February, outhustled and outlasted much youn- 
ger opponents throughout the NBA's 82-game 
marathon. He always seemed to recover quick- 
ly for the next big game. Energy was rarely a 
problem 

Credit the wisdom and custom workouts of 
personal trainer Tim Grover. Jordan hired Gro- 
ver in 1989 to create a fitness regimen that 
would help him withstand the relentless pound- 
ing of NBA play. Grover also trains Scottie Pip- 
pen and Ron Harper, who successfully battled 
injury and are playing past the age of 30. 

Grover's insights can help you perform beuer 
in your favorite game or simply feel sharper for 
an important meeting. Using his ideas, you may 
experience fewer tired days and sleep-deprived 
nights. You will recover quicker from intense 
workouts. You can boost your energy and lessen 
the risk of injury. You'll never be able to fly like 
Jordan, but what would you do with all that 
money, anyway? 

Recently Grover talked with us at Chicago's 
Athletic Club at Illinois Center, where he trains. 
Here are his tips: 

LOSE THE ATTITUDE: “Guys in their 20s 
think their bodies are indestructible,” says Gro- 
ver. “They neglect to do any sort of warm-up or 
cooldown. A bad habit starts right there.” 

Research shows that most injuries occur in the 
first or last six minutes of a workout or game. 
The proper warm-up will protect against most 
mishaps, especially if you recognize and attend 
to potential trouble spots. Before you engage in 
physical activity, you should skip rope or do 
moderate aerobic activity to break a light sweat. 
Your muscles will then be warm enough for a 
stretching routine. Make the effort to stretch, 
even if it cuts into your time on the track 
or court. 

PLAY THE GAME: “There’s no exercise in 
the weight room that correlates directly to your 
sport,” explains Grover. “If you want to improve 
your basketball shot or tennis serve, you have to 
get on the court. A bench press has nothing to 
do with athletic performance.” 

Weight training has its place, though—and 
that's in building a foundation of power and 
strength. It also guards against injuries. The 
squat, for instance, does more than provide a fo- 
cal point for muscleheads at the gym. It stabi- 
lizes your lower body and torso. 

SPEAKING OF GOALS: Every workout 
should have a goal, says Grover. The first A in 
Attack Athletics Inc., his Chicago-based training 
and sports enhancement company, stands for 
ambition. Grover insists on specific goals for all 
his clients, who include the NBA's Grant Hill, 
Kevin Garnett, Juwan Howard and Michael Fin- 
ley, plus Tiger Woods (concluded on page 192) 


PHOTO BY MARC HAUSER 


PERSONAL TRAINER 
TIM GROVER 

HELPED MICHAEL 
JORDAN MUSCLE- 
UP TO FACE 

NBA TOUGH GUYS— 
HIS TIPS WILL 

HELP YOU, TOO 


FITNESS 
BY BOB CONDOR 


KOUT LIKS UT A | 


Jill — 


106 


Be fashionably late. Arrive half an hour to one hour after the desig- 
nated start time. You don’t want to appear to be one of those needy 
nerdlets who are too grateful for an invitation. Because the host is usu- 
ally your boss, make a perfunctory greeting. This will be followed up 
later, when you're more inebriated, with fawning, buu-nuzzling com- 
ments. The main thing now is to name your poison. The party doesn't 
really start until everybody is in an altered state. Since this is the office 
equivalent of Mardi Gras, it’s your one chance to really go wild. Don't 
hold back. You can always blame inappropriate behavior on the booze 
Everybody understands that. Everybody will be out of control. 


== 


Make friends with the bartender. You can do this quickly with a well- 
placed $20 bill. You want him to push on your enemies the more sick- 
ening drinks like manhattans or mai tais or other fruity, sugary con- 
coctions. You might say to the bartender, “Jim loves kamikazes. 
Whatever he asks for, give him a kamikaze.” Tequila drinks, especially 
those made with cheap tequila, can drive your foes mad. 


choice of drink 


I recommend scotch because of its extraordinary properties. It 
makes you loud and shockingly uninhibited, true, but don't forget that 
it also makes you more handsome, triples (continued on page 225) 


ILLUSTRATION BY JANET WOOLLEY 


108 


“Hey, Melchior—Cool!” 


BE EXTRAVAGANT 


\ fi mJ 
Bc ‘company known for its hot-weather menswear and.cold beer, is now into stogie 
storage. This rattan-and-mahogany cigar humidor resembles a steamer irunk, and holds upwards of 100 
„cigars. It also features o Credo humidification system (about $1000). Next to it is a 750 ml bottle of Pierré 
Ferrand Cigare cognac that's been blended especially to complement the flavor of a fine smoke (about $70). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI 


Above left: Willis & Geiger's hand-waxed leather chart case makes a terrific carry-on, thanks to multiple compartments 
and pockets, plus a handle that's set off-center so the case expands away from your body (about $470, including a remov- 
able shoulder strap). Above right: Requiring about as much desktop space as a tape dispenser, Sony's FDL-PT22 Color 
Watchman has a 2.2-inch color LCD screen and a strap antenna (about $110). Below left: Sharp’s MD-MS702 minidisc play- 
er and recorder, with a rechargeable battery, shock-resistant memory and LCD remote control, is perfect for making com- 
pilation discs from CDs ($400). Below right: For serious travelers, there's no better way to stay in touch than with Kyocera’s 
Iridium Multi-Mode telephone. This wireless device consists of a cell phone that operates worldwide in cities with cellular net- 
works. In remote locales, the phone slides into a base unit that transmits and receives calls via satellite. The price: $3000. 


we 


's first self-winding chrono- 


Below: Talk about retro chic. TAG Hever has reissued its Monaco watch, il о 
graph. It debuted in 1969 and became famous when Steve McQueen wore it in the 1971 film Le Mans. The 


Nineties Monaco, available in a limited edition of 5000, has additional dials for measuring seconds and 
minutes, calfskin band, updated movement and a casing that’s water resistant to about 100 feet ($2300). 


A, 


"7 
LE 


Za 


1225 


GLE 


222 


Above: Bang & Olufsen has put its slick spin on answering machines. The 
brushed-aluminum BeoTalk 1100, which can hang on the wall or rest on 
a desktop, uses Caller ID in conjunction with a digital-chip recorder to 
forward up to ten minutes’ worth of messages to three mailboxes. Each 
mailbox can store a separate greeting and messages can be retrieved 
from any touch-tone phone. The price: $250. Below: The Swiss-made Ca- 
presso C2000 automatic espresso center Is truly a bachelor’s buddy at 
Christmas (or anytime) as it automatically grinds, tamps, brews, rinses 
and cleans itself—plus it fits beneath a kitchen cabinet (about $1400). 


To commemorate the 45th anniversary of PLAYBOY magazine, we've teamed up with Titan to manufacture and 
produce this Collectors” Edition cruiser-style motorcycle in a limited edition of 100 hand-built bikes. Each is 
powered by a V-twin, two-cylinder engine that delivers more than 100 hp. Graphic treatments of a Marilyn 
Monroe silhouette, the Playboy Rabbit Head and our 45th anniversary logo appear on each bike ($39,000). 


: T article by Reg Potterton 
| A 


charlie barr smashed across the ocean in 12 days, 
four hours. there’s a reason that record still stands 


in an 5 a veteran salt named Charlie Barr drove a 
А n ` — — three-masted steel schooner from America to 
England in 12 days, four hours and one minute, thereby setting 
a record for a transatlantic fleet race. Charlie's feat still stood 92 
years later when 15 yachts equipped with space-age navigation, 
communications and weather gizmos and manned by the hired 
guns of ocean racing's professional elite set out on the same ' 
course to set a new record. 
I sailed on the Adela, a steel schooner flying the American flag 
and, at 170 feet overall length, the second biggest boat in the 
fleet. Our chief rival and the odds-on favorite to win was Adix, М. 
the British-registered 212-foot schooner. Adix led from the start. - 
We watched her magnificent profile grow smaller as she pulled 
ahead, the pale sun gleaming on a full spread of canvas. Good 
sports that Adela's sailors are, and at other times the best of 
mates with the Adix bunch, we could only hope that in the full- 
ness oftime the Adix crew would manage to screw up, break 


PAINTING BY ELDON TRIMINGHAM II 


PLAYBOY 


116 


something important and leave the 
honors to us. 


Some people say old-time ocean rac- 
ing sailors were tougher than their 
modern counterparts. Maybe. What is 
certain is that crews faced worse condi- 
tions in Charlie Barr's day. They han- 
dled heavier and less reliable gear, took 
bigger risks and suffered more because 
of inferior heavy-weather clothing, 
lousy food, cramped accommodations 
and substandard medical aid. 

The strain showed. Six years after 
his great triumph, tough little Charlie 
Barr pegged out from a heart attack at 
47, a victim of years of accumulated 
stress. 

Poor Charlie. Too bad he didn't live 
to see the miracles of the modern age 
of ocean racing. In his time there were 
no fiberglass hulls or titanium blocks, 
no strain gauges, synthetic lines, car- 
bon fiber masts, Kevlar sailcloth, global 
positioning satellites or liquid crystal 
display instruments. Poor Charlie navi- 
gated with a sextant and a chronome- 
ter. He didn't have shore bases record- 
ing each boat's progress from onboard 
electronic transponders. No cute stew- 
ardesses running up and down the 
decks with hot drinks and high-energy 
snacks. 

Nor were there TV news helicopters 
chasing him across the starting line or 
New York City fireboats gushing fare- 
well fountains against a backdrop of 
glamorous skyscrapers. Except for the 
two-year-old boat Charlie commanded, 
the fleet he raced in consisted mostly 
of wooden veterans—11 American, 
British and German gaffers, schooners 
and square-riggers, one of them a full- 
rigged ship. 

The fleet left the Jersey shore in a 
cloud of sail, cheered on by spectator 
boats crowded with flag-waving pas- 
sengers bellowing national anthems, 
and disappeared into a clammy mist. 
The winner would be rewarded with 
a gold cup donated by His Imperial 
Highness Kaiser Wilhelm II. This im- 
pressive trophy, later melted down to 
raise money for liberty bonds during 
World War I, turned out to be thinly 
plated cheap metal. 


Charlie Barr was a professional cap- 
tain aboard the American schooner At- 
lantic and the most successful racing 
sailor of his day. A Scotsman by birth 
and an American by choice, he was 
famous for his waxed mustache and 
for winning the America’s Cup three 
times. He had no patience for slackers. 
It is part of his legend that during the 
1905 race Atlantic's owner crawled up 
on deck in a howling gale and said that 


since death looked imminent it might 
be a good idea if Captain Barr dropped 
a few sails. “Up yours, sir,” Charlie 
replied—or words to that effect. “You 
hired me to win this race, and that by 
God is what I intend to do,” adding 
that if Sir didn't like the weather he 
should stay below. 

I wasn’t thinking about our seafaring 
predecessors or their lack of technolog- 
ical enlightenment when a tug came to 
pull Adela away from the dock on May 
17—the same date Charlie's fleet start- 
ed their race. I was thinking about 
omens. During the previous week we'd 
been tied up at Pier 60 on the Hudson 
River, which is where the Titanic was 
bound on her one and only voyage. 

On the way to the start as we dodged 
through spectator boats and commer- 
cial shipping, I mentioned this to the 
helmsman, Shag Morton, one of sever- 
al Australians among the half-dozen 
flinty-eyed professionals taken on as 
Adela’s racing crew and a veteran of so 
many Atlanuc crossings he’s lost count. 

1 asked him if he thought the Titanic 
connection was an omen. 

“Fuck the Titanic,” he said. 

“Do you think we'll beat Charlie 
Barr's record?” 

“Fuck Charlie Barr.” 

“What about Adix?” 

“Fuck Adix. And fuck you, too. Im 
driving this bugger through traffic. not 
playing 20 questions.” 

He then turned the wheel over to the 
owner's 30-something son, Adam, who 
had the privilege of driving us across 
the starting line. The rest of the crew 
tried not to watch. Crossing the line is a 
crucial moment; a good start lifts mo- 
rale, a bad one saps it, and for all his 
skills in the money market our starting 
helmsman was at best a novice on the 
high seas. 

Shag stood next to the wheel, the 
tension almost palpable as we drew 
closer to the line and watched Adix take 
the lead. 

“Go below that ship,” Shag shouted. 
We were heading for the midsection of 
a tanker. 

“Why?” Adam asked. 

“Because you'll hit the bastard—Je- 
sus Christ! Go round that one’s bows.” 

“Why?” 

“Same bloody reason.” Before we 
crossed the line Adela's captain, Steve 
Carson, got on the deck hailer to call 
the crew aft. All 28 of us—25 men, 
three women, eight nationalities— 
stood together for the first and proba- 
bly the last time for the next 3000- 
some miles. We had been divided into 
two watches, so the members of each 
watch would rarely see the others be- 
fore reaching England—except in a 
crisis, and that was unlikely to be as re- 
laxed as this gathering was. 


“Pay attention,” Carson said, “espe- 
cially you people who haven't done 
much sailing. At all times follow the 
sailor’s rule: one hand for the ship, one 
hand for yourself. Don't be ashamed 
to wear safety harnesses. Clip ‘ст on 
when it blows. I don’t want any of you 
bastards falling overboard and spoiling 
the race for the rest of us. It takes a 
long time to turn the boat round and 
pick people up out of the water. It's 
cold in the North Atlantic. Chances are 
you'll freeze to death before we get 
there—if we find you.” 

Thus encouraged, we turned off the 
engine, trimmed all sail and crossed 
the line in the spreading wake of the 
mighty Adix. Our poor start, Char- 
lie Barr’s record and his ghost be 
damned—we would by God show him 
and the world what the modern age of 
ocean racing was all about. 


‘Think of a big sailing boat under way 
as a gigantic bow and arrow held at full 
stretch. The hull is the bow, the mast is 
the arrow and the rigging is the bow- 
string. What the mast wants to do when 
the boat is driven hard is punch a hole 
through the bottom of the hull. Fail- 
ing that, its tendency is to fall down un- 
der the strain, which is what happens 
when the crafty balance of tension and 
flexibility that’s built into the mast de- 
sign suddenly gives way to any number 
of factors, including bad luck, weather 
and poor judgment. 

On a boat racing across the Atlantic 
Ocean flat-out 24 hours a day, your 
world is a long steel tube that surges 
forward and upward, hangs over a 
hole in the sea, then crashes to the bot- 
tom of the hole with the force of a truck 
ramming the side of a mountain. You 
lie in the bunk, waiting for the next 
crunch to bring down the rig 

An old sailor sleeps through it, know- 
ing that he can’t do anything about it 
anyway and for some perverse reason 
actually enjoys the experience; for 
newcomers it’s not so casy to rest in 
these conditions. This is when the un- 
wary or the exhausted might find 
themselves stepping into a slack coil of 
line on deck just as the other end is 
about to be whipped at great speed 
through a series of metal blocks and 
around inch-thick steel rods in order to 
meet the demand of a fast-filling sail 
that's big enough to cover a couple of 
tennis courts. The result of this can be 
what some refer to as checking into the 
hurt locker. 


We lost sight of Adix on the third day 
out. She took a southerly and parallel 
course to ours while we ran north and 

(continued on page 195) 


“Now remember, this is for our Christmas cards—so look festive!” 


117 


>> In March, floods 
inundated parts of the U.S. 
Midwest. Ninety percent of 
Grand Forks, North Dakota 
was submerged in freezing 

If you think the 1 water from the Red River, 

weather has gone A bi 77777 Which had swollen to twice 

wacko, you're in j y normal flood height. 

company. Tom Ka >> In April, the third-largest 


director of the Mati “We're seeing increases in recorded snowstorm hit Boston. 
ү of precipitation,” Karl says, i The 1997 and 1998 season has been 
F 's heavy downpours, the kind thaWlead even more traumatic. Each month this 
— climate data to flash floods. When we look at the year has seen a record for global 
Asheville, N data, especially in the U.S., we see temperatures—the highest in at least 


them as a significant change the past 600 years, according to one 
It's hard to tie any one event, or study. Glaciers around the world are 


Pe weather з} even one season's weather—including\ melting, and rainfall worldwide has 
nto 318 Silos са houc sit há the El Niño effect—to long-term increased two percent since 1900, 
kn and his golleagues have trends. And Karl and other scientists according to NASA's Goddard 
PEREA looked dt their numbers won't do it. But reports from the past — Ynstitute for Space Studies. The jet 


to see Whether this two years are intriguing. styeam, that high river of wind that 
widespread public pérception is based ts weather closer to the ground, 


in fact. It is subtle work, separating The 1996 and 1997 season was a seen rushing overhead at up to 
real weather trend from the daily ups real corker: 


and downs of our/unsteady decadk, more of the U.S. has expe- 
atmosphere. But fhe scientists have > In July, record rains flooded rienced\either extreme drought or 
weather has indeed _ Yangtze River farmland. ioisture than at any other 
been screwierid several ways—it's >> In November, the largest cyclone i ars. All this 
been hotter thdn ever, with big- in ten years hit India, flattening 
ger, rougher yainstorms, and there 10,000 homes and leaving almost 2000 
e people missing or dead. In Honolulu, 
almost five times the normal rainfall 
brought mudslides and floods. patterns. In 
notes, with 1998 In early January, the worst floods 1998, 
being the hottest іп the region's history hit Oregon and suspicious 


of the lot. And northern California, forcing more incidents рте bigger monsoons. 
more of the rain than 250,000 people from their have 
and snow we getis homes. Early, heavy snow was largely included: 
from larger, responsible for killing half of Yellow- ">> Rainfall 
wetter storms. stone's buffalo herd. in the Ohio 
North Atlantic 2 The heaviest flooding and rain Valley, New 
storms of the past in 30 years hit Brazil and Bolivia England, 
Why so much drought? A warmer. decade have been in February, and a single mudslide the upper 
planet evoporotes more water far more violent killed 300 in Peru. Mississippi 


article by Michael Parrish 


Valley and Los Angeles was more than 
200 percent above normal. Rivers in 
17 states were near or above flood 
stage by July. 

While the most violent, F5 
tornadoes are rare in any year, three 
touched down in the U.S. in the first 
half of 1998. The U.S. tornado death 
count was the highest in 24 years. 

>> Snow fell in Guadalajara, Mexico 
for the first time since 1881. 

Texas, Florida, Louisiana and 
parts of Georgia got only 25 percent 
of normal rainfall amid a tremendous 
heat wave—north Texas had a full 
month of temperatures over 100 
degrees. 

Every county in Florida was hit by 
wildfires in June and July, driving 
more than 120,000 people from their 
homes. 

>> Elsewhere in the world, the worst 
cyclone in 25 years hit India, killing 
more than 400 people. Flooding of 
the Yangtze River killed 3000 and 
dislocated millions. Monsoons in 
Bangladesh marooned more than 
8 million. Unusually strong rains in 
Africa killed 2000 and forced 250 mil- 
lion from their homes. Peru gained a 
new 2300-square-mile lake from its 
share of the deluge. A tsunami in 
Papua New Guinea killed thousands. 


Such bedlam is expensive. Damage 
from the Florida fires was well over 
$250 million. Hurricane Andrew, 
which flattened a good deal of south 
Florida in 1992, wreaked $30 billion 
in damages, making it the nation’s 
priciest natural disaster. In the years 
since, Florida homeowners have seen 
their insurance rates jump an average 
of 72 percent. The blizzard of 1996 
cost $3 billion in the Northeast. And 
the year before, drought in the U.S. 
Midwest helped jack up grain prices to 
a two-decade high—ultimately adding 
$200 to an average family's annual 
supermarket bill. 

No wonder we wake up to the 
Weather Channel and trot to Wal- 
Mart to buy weather porn videos. Still, 
we don’t know much about how 
weather works, Hundreds of years 
after Ben Franklin and son survived 
Ben’s harebrained feat of flying a 
kite into lightning, we don’t really 
understand how thunderstorms make 
electricity. Meanwhile, people con- 
tinue to be struck by lightning on 
golf courses, zapped through the 
phone while talking during a storm 
and fried in their bathtubs by a bolt 
through the plumbing. 


P 


Most climate scientists worldwide 
now agree that the planet is warming 
and that humans have had a hand in 
it. Karl and many others think 
cloudbursts and scorching summers 
are the first warped greenhouse 
chickens come home to roost. Some 
man-made air pollutants—mainly 
carbon dioxide and methane—let 
sunlight into the atmosphere but 
trap heat on its way out. The process 
works a lot like an ordinary nursery 
greenhouse. The sun's rays enter 
through the glass and warm the 
inside. Part of this warmth returns to 
the atmosphere as heat—infrared— 
radiation but is stopped by green- 
house gases. Gradually the earth's 
surface warms. 

Most other environmental problems 
we've apparently caused in the upper 
air have been brought on by burning 
fossil fuels—coal, oil and natural gas. 
We've made real (largely unnoticed) 
progress on a couple of high-altitude 
fronts. Two of the big three upper- 
atmosphere pollution problems are 
well on their way to correction. (A 
fourth, the oxidizing capacity of the 
planet, is so little understood that we 
don't yet know if it's a major threat.) 


The once- 
Big birzards—anotter prodi опу, 
of incensed moisture—kil more 


ozone hole, 
Ak Sp ЕШ for instance, 


is caused. 
mostly by 
chlorofluoro- 

| carbons. A 
study in 

| 1974 showed 

| how high- 

| altitude 
ozone, which 
“screens out 
some 
ultraviolet 
radiation, ы 
could be 

| destroyed by 

the chlorine 


», 
= 


released from CFCs. Some forms of 
ultraviolet radiation have been 
reported to cause skin cancer and 
cataracts. In 1985, the ozone over 
Antarctica had not only thinned (as it 
had every winter), it had disappeared 
altogether. Two years later, British 


In the Nineties, 4 percent more US. territory has 
been swamped by big, wet storms than in any 
other decade this century. 


Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher 
and President Ronald Reagan en- 
dorsed an international agreement 
in Montreal to phase out the manufac- 
ture of CFCs. George Bush, with the 
cooperation of DuPont, the predomi- 
nant domestic maker, accelerated the 
phaseout and other countries followed 
suit. You haven't been able to buy a 
CFC-aerosol can in the U.S. for more 
than a decade. By 2040, the ozone 
shield should be back to normal. As 
veteran environmental journalist 
Gregg Easterbrook observed in A 
Moment on the Earth, “1f most of the 
world’s important issues could be 
resolved as quickly as ozone depletion 
can, earth would be a paradise.” n 
Controlling acid rain has been " 
tougher. In the Northeast it is largely 
caused by coal burned in Midwest _ 
power plants that release sulfur —— 
dioxide into the atmosphere, where ii 
turns into sulfuric acid. Lesser villains 4. 


are nitrogen oxides (mainly from ^ - 
vehicles) that also turn into nitric acid Banner | 
(text continued on. 


in the air. 992) SOONE 1 
x duc 


IS IT HOT OR IS IT JUST US? 


Last year was the warmest of the century, in terms of average 
global surface temperature. 


WIRAUWEALTERNTENL UOTE RTO 


Think predicting the weather isn't important? At least one forecast changed the 
course of World War П. In the weeks before D day, Allied commander Dwight 
Eisenhower dragooned every meteorologist in Britain and ordered them to do two-day 
and three-day forecasts using the Allies’ one great advantage—the network of weather 
stations in the Atlantic. The Nazis had already abandoned their Greenland weather 
station, thetr last observation post west of Europe. When a blustery, ratn-heavy storm 
arrived on June 4, the German generals assumed they were safe from an amphibious 
assault. But Ike's meteorologists spotted a break—a low-pressure calm heading east from. 
Scotland. “OK, we'll go,” Ihe announced with soldierly hope. Luckily for the British 
weathermen, the skies cleared on schedule on June 6 

Though many of us now get our forecasts from TV anchors who chatter like 
parakeets, prediction itself has improved. Weather balloons, satellites and computers 
have helped clear the crystal ball. 

“It turns out the easier part of the job has been predicting tomorrow and the next day, 
for temperature and wind,” says А.Е. "Sandy" MacDonald, director of the Forecast 
Systems Laboratory of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the 
Commerce Department agency that feeds its research to the National Weather Service. 
“The harder part of the job has been to get really good forecasts of precipitation.” 

The NWS’ wind and temperature forecasts are correct 80 percent to 90 percent of the 
time, says MacDonald. But predictions of heavy rain, snow and hail are accurate only 
25 percent of the time, he admits, though he prefers the more attractive comparison to a 
batting average of .250. 

“It's hard to hit a baseball,” he points out. "It's also hard to predict an inch of rain 
tomorrow.” 

The reason: Temperature and wind patterns stretch over vast areas—across hundreds 
and even thousands of miles. But most weather systems that drop precipitation are so 
small that they often slip through the gridwork of balloons sent up twice daily every 400 
to 500 miles across the country. 

So what does that “50 percent chance of rain tomorrow” really mean? It means your 
local weatherperson has his or her hands on predictions from National Weather Service 
forecasters who have compared the next few days’ weather pattern in your area to their 
database of similar past weather patierns at that time of year. And the feds’ records have 
shown that five times out of ten, it rained. 


Portland, Oregon records its hottest April 
day ever—90 degrees. 


Billings, Montana welcomes the New 
Year with a 60-degree temperature—the 
warmest January 1 in its history. 


Black Hills, South Dakota gets 102.4 
inches of snow from one February 
snowstorm, twice the previous record. 


Williston, North Dakota hits 26 degrees 
on June 4, its coldest temperature on 
record for June. 


Lake Erie doesn’t freeze during February, 
for the third time this century. 


New England gets an early summer. 
Boston reaches 89 degrees in March. 
Portland, Maine hits 88. 


Hawaii, which had weathered five times 
the normal rainfall in 1996 and 1997, 
experiences a drought so severe it has to 
import drinking water. 


SOURCE: SIERRA CLUB 


The big worry for many scientists isn't whether the earth is warming or cooling, it's how 
fast change can happen. We used to think we eased into an ice age or hot spell over 
decades or hundreds of years. Many scientists now believe we could see a drastic change 
in the course of a few years. Two scenarios: The warming planet releases moisture in the 
form of snow that builds up glacial ice, which buries continents and cools the planet. 
Rising polar temperature melts the West Antarctic ice sheet, raising ocean levels by 20 
feet and erasing Florida and New York City. Either profound climate change could kill or 
enhance farming in various regions, herd entire species to new territories, alter the 
spread of diseases and build up or devastate economies. 


) Possible locations of rise in dengue fever, a mosquito-bome disease common in the tropics. 


Current extent of malaria-carrying mosquitoes, which are now restricted to hot, humid areas. 


Projected extent of malaria-carrying mosquitoes if the temperature were to increase six to 
ten degrees. 


Incidents of hantavirus, an often fatal disease transmitted by rodent popula 
when plentiful rainfall follows a prolonged drought. 


a 


SOURCES: EPA ANO SIERRA CLUB 


PLAYBOY 


122 


By the Sixties, these pollutants had in- 
creased the natural acidity of rain to 
the point that trees at high altitudes in 
USS. forests—including the Blue Ridge 
Mountains—and in similar woods 
across Europe were dying in clumps. 
Some lakes became too acidic for fish 
to live in. But the 1970 Clean Air Act 
forced new U.S. power plants to con- 
trol sulfur emissions. Two decades lat- 
er, tougher controls were adopted. So 
far, these efforts have cut acid rain by 
more than half—at about a fifth of the 
cost that power producers once pre- 
dicted. We're not home free, but we're 
getting there. 

Reversing global warming is still 
more problematic. Mending the ozone 
layer was largely a matter of switching 
from chlorofluorocarbons to other, 
more benevolent products. But the 
prospect of dramatically altering world 
energy use to correct something that 
at first glance seems like a tiny change 
in climate has some critics predicting 
crippled national economies and the 
loss of a billion jobs. 


HERDING THE CATS 


One big question now is whether we 
have time enough to figure out what 
we've already done, much less fix it. 
And you get a lot of different answers 
to that. As A.E. “Sandy” MacDonald, 
director of the Forecast Systems Labo- 
ratory of NOAA, puts it, “One of the 
nice things about scientists is, as some- 
body once said, ‘It’s like herding cats. 
‘They don't all do the same thing.” 

Boulder, Colorado boasts one of the 
largest concentrations of climate scien- 
tists in the world. And they are like 
cats, independent and contrary. The 
National Center for Atmospheric Re- 
search is a major power in climate de- 
bate. NCAR scientists study both cli- 
mate and weather. The shorthand 
distinction is that climate is what we ex- 
pect; weather is what we get. Climate 
is the long-term condition; weather is 
what's blowing at you at this moment. 
At NCAR, and with most mainstream 
climatologists around the world, global 
warming is no longer in question. 

“Even the skeptics say there will be 
warming,” explains Kevin Trenberth, a 
New Zealander who heads the climate 
analysis section that studies past, pres- 
ent and future changes. He considers 
himself a moderate in the greenhouse 
battles, which gives his views a distress- 
ing edge. "What we've already done,” 
he says carefully, “is going to have ma- 
jor ramifications for the next 50 or 100 
years.” 

Trenberth wrote part of a land- 
mark report for the United Nations’ 
Intergovernmental Panel on Climate 
Change, a group that has been thrash- 
ing out common ground on warming. 


Based on the work of 2500 researchers, 
the IPCC's report suggested there is a 
“discernible human influence on di- 
mate.” For a group that, as Newsweek 
put it, “can hardly agree on what to 
order for lunch,” it amounted to the 
heavy artillery issuing a greenhouse 
warning. 

The group also agreed that this rate 
of warming is greater than the planet 
has seen in the past 10,000 years and 
could bring complex changes in the 
weather. Agricultural output could 
shrivel or prosper, depending on loca- 
tion. Changes in rainfall patterns and 
glacial melting could affect where we 
get our drinking water. Some forest 
species will likely die out; others will 
expand. The oceans, which have al- 
ready risen more than six inches in the 
past hundred years, could be higher by 
a couple of feet a century from now— 
depriving the Dutch of as much as six 
percent of their land, Bangladeshis of 
almost 18 percent. 

This year's El Niño by itself raised 
the sea level along the California coast 
six to eight inches. Trenberth points 
out that a rise in sea level does damage 
not only with gradual flooding but with 
surges caused by hurricanes and other 
strong ocean storms. “Even a relatively 
modest increase in sea level,” he says, 
“can suddenly scour out a whole har- 
bor or beachfront.” 

Last December, in Kyoto, Japan, 
an international summit reluctantly 
agreed that the industrialized nations 
as a group must lower greenhouse gas- 
es to five percent below their 1990 lev- 
els by the year 2012. But the pact—if 
ratified by the industrial nations that 
signed it—will slow, not reverse, the 
buildup of greenhouse gases. 

Meanwhile, to advocates of the 
greenhouse theory, new research has 
added more evidence of global warm- 
ing. NOAA calculates that the occur- 
rence of heavy precipitation has been 
up by 20 percent during this century. 
In July 1996, scientists at the Scripps 
Institution of Oceanography con- 
firmed that spring now appears a full 
week earlier in the northern hemi- 
sphere than it did just two decades ago. 
Boston University researchers estimate 
that since 1980, vegetation above the 
45th parallel has increased by ten per- 
cent—stimulated by warmer tempera- 
tures. Another NOAA study last year 
found that warming had increased at- 
mospheric moisture—the raw ingredi- 
ent of big rainstorms—by ten percent 
in North America. 

Grisly stuff, these observations. And 
based on hard data. Much weather ob- 
servation is simple and easily proved. 
For instance, real people with real glass 
flasks measure the increasing levels of 
carbon dioxide and other greenhouse 


gases in our atmosphere. 

But theorizing about how the earth 
will behave under greenhouse stress— 
or whether that stress will be easily 
overwhelmed by larger climatic chang- 
es—is a different story. Global warming 
differs from other environmental 
sues because there could be winners as 
well as losers. Some countries stand to 
gain, mostly through improved agri- 
cultural production. Even within the 
same region, farmers may be happy to 
get more rain while merchants and 
flood-control managers pray for it to 
stop. And countries that make their 
money selling coal and petroleum face 
a difficult policy consideration. Saudi 
Arabia and Kuwait, for instance, have 
issued few global warming warnings, 
for the likely cure would be to use less 
of their national product. 


CAN THE EARTH HEAL ITSELF? 


In the Seventies, a couple of biolo- 
gists sketched out a way of looking at 
the earth that has since been embraced 
by crystal gazers and other less-sophis- 
ticated students of the planet. The Ga- 
ia theory (or Gaia metaphor) holds that 
the world operates as if it were a liv- 
ing organism. To the embarrassment of 
many scientists, some took this to mean 
that Mother Earth is, in fact, an organ- 
ism, which is not what the scientists had 
in mind. The real point is that the in- 
terlocking natural systems of the planet 
include feedback systems that tend to 
adjust to change in a giant mode of 
self-regulation. 

Lee Klinger, a staff scientist at 
NCAR, gives an example. A rock anda 
rabbit start out in early summer side by 
side. As summer progresses and the 
atmosphere warms, the rock heats up 
steadily—a non-Gaian reaction. The 
temperature of the rabbit doesn’t in- 
crease. The rabbit sheds some fur and 
spends more time in the shade to keep 
a constant internal temperature— 
that's self-regulation. 

Klinger and others think such feed- 
back systems on a world scale could 
account for some anomalies in global 
warming. With people pumping so 
much carbon dioxide into the atmo- 
sphere, for instance, there should be a 
lot more carbon hanging around than 
there is. Widely suspected areas for the 
“missing” carbon include the forests 
and peat bogs of the northern hemi- 
sphere. One plausible explanation: 
Plant growth is stimulated by carbon 
dioxide in the air, and this causes the 
plants to absorb even more СО». Has 
a natural feedback mechanism kicked 
in to absorb the higher amounts of 
carbon dioxide, slowing the expected 
greenhouse effect? 

Klinger and others agree that such 

(continued on page 210) 


“Whoa! Steady, boy—I can see an item you've forgotten to wrap!” 


123 


124 


“We wanted a big school, the Universi- 
ty of Minnesoto, so nobody would know 
us as the triplets,” says Nicole (middle, 
with Joclyn, left, and Erico). “But we 
ended up taking the some courses be- 
cause it wos such fun to be together.” 


Hiss WHAT happens when you 
walk into House of Blues in Chicago 
with triplets Nicole, Erica and Jac- 
lyn Dahm: Word spreads like a Mal- 
ibu brushfire that someone impor- 
tant has arrived. “Who is it?" people 
whisper, frantically scanning the 
room for the source of the excite- 
ment. “There!” someone shouts, 
pointing to the doorway, where 
three tall, blonde, svelte, identical 
women stand, dressed in jeans and 
‘T-shirts, oblivious to the commotion 
they're causing. Men gawk. Are they 
models? Playmates? Women give 
our Miss Decembers astonished 
once-overs. Servers fight to balance 
wobbly trays of food, their arms 
suddenly gone limp. The тайге d', 
who just told the party in front of 
you that there is a 35-minute wait 
for a vhisks your group in- 
to an elevator and up to the VIP 
lounge. Long Island iced teas are 
rushed to the table. Busboys sneak 
from the kitchen for a glimpse. The 
waitress says, “Are you triplets? 
Wow! You're so pretty!” Welcome to 
Dahm mania, a phenomenon that 
started on December 12, 1977 when 
ica and Jaclyn were born, 

to parents Robert and 

triplets have been in 

the spotlight ever since, induding a 
Hardee's commercial when they 
were eight years old, victory in a 
Teen magazine model search at the 
age of 16 and appearances on talk 
shows, including The Jenny Jones 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
RICHARD FEGLEY 


once, twice, three times a lady: 
it's the identical 
dahm triplets 


Show and Ricki Lake. 

Q: Do the three of 
you cause a frenzy ev- 
erywhere you go? 

Nicole: If we do, we 
don’t notice it. 

Jaclyn: We try to fade 
into the background. 
We're actually quiet and 
kind of shy. 

Q: If only one of you 
had become a Playmate, 
would the other two 
have been jealous? 

Jaclyn: We would nev- 
er have done this as 
individuals. 

Nicole: We felt less 
insecure posing as a 
group. During the pho- 
to shoot I was thinking, 
They're looking at her, 
not at me. 

Q: What is the cool- 
est thing about being a 
triplet? 

Jaclyn: We each can 
tell what the other two 
are thinking without 
their saying anything. 

Erica: It's an instant 
party. We start the grill, 
grab some beer, call our 
boyfriends and have six 
people ready to rage. 

Q: Is there a down- 
side to being a triplet? 

Jaclyn: Privacy is not 
easy to find. Growing 
up, we shared every- 
thing, even a bedroom. 
And people always ask, 
“Which one are you?” 

Erica: When we were 
born, our fingerprints 
were so similar that the 
doctor had to put per- 
manent ink dots on our 
butts to tell us apart. 
Nicole was born first, so 
she has one. I have two. 
They were going to put 
three of them on Jaclyn, 
but she was so tiny, the 
dots would have blend- 
ed and looked like two. 
So she has none. 

Q: In a dark room, 
how do your boyfriends 
tell you apart? 

Jaclyn: [Laughs] They 
don't. 


“It’s been a party since 
the day we were born,” 
says Nicole. “We've never 
been apart far longer than 
a week,” Erica adds. "We 
would hove withdrawal.” 


"Our lives ore like a TV show,” says Erica (above, middle), getting wet and wild with Nicole (right) and Jaclyn (left). "We're always cracking 


each other up." In order ta dote a Dahm sister, you must seek approval fram the other twa. “If one of the sisters doesn't like another si 
ter's boyfriend, the relationship ends,” Nicole says. “We con see that the guy isn't right for her," Erica adds. "We protect one another." 


Я 


Erica: That's for sure. Ni- 
cole's boyfriend will come up 
behind me and put his arms 
around me, and I'm like, 
“Wrong one, buddy.” 

Q: Tell us more about your 
wild side. 

Nicole: We respect our par- 
ents, so let's just say that we 
have done some things be- 
hind their backs. 

Q: Like what? 

Jaclyn: You name it. 

Erica: People think we're 
sweet and innocent, but we're 
not. Speed turns us on. We'd 
get on a Harley with a guy in 
a second. 

Nicole: Plus we have tattoos 
on the insides of our wrists. 

Q: What do your tattoos 
symbolize? 

Jaclyn: The three of us. 

Nicole: We came from one 
egg that was split into three. 
We wanted to symbolize how 
close we are. 


Wherever the triplets go, they 
are asked about their oppear- 
ance. “The dumbest question is, 
‘Are you three twins?” Erica says. 
Still not sure wha's who? “Erica’s 
eyes are different,” Nicole ex- 
plains. “Jaclyn's got the thinnest 
face.” “Nicole's the leader,” Jac- 
lyn says. “She stands up tallest.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


same; ER\CA, Nicole Jaclyn Тоом. | 
msn. 2C, wan. 45 u 25 00 0— 
HEIGHT: QUO, WEIGHT: 115 
BIRTH рате: TADA O BIRTHPLACE: Minneapolis, Minnesota 
arios: Ib Continue Modeling and enjoy Uto _ 
wherever 14 may take u$. 

токмо: Бла Dri ES EX iant bu 

n о er an we on 2 
TURNOFFS : TImmotuy ity Я laziness, bad hygiene- . 
QUALITIES JACLYN VALUES MOST IN отнекѕ:__ Respect , hone оү 

frendli ule. 

HOW TO GET ERICA’S srrenrion: _ All you qota QO... 

19 make me laugh. 
NICOLE'S SEX куте: Hey quys, dont leave Nar hangin + _ 
JACLYN'S FAVORITE WAY TO WAKE w:Whispers nf Sweet nothings, 
WHAT DRIVES ERICA WILD: TOC “USN” holdin ух 


Man p.e, book of a Motorcycle. 


WHY NICOLE LOVES BEING A meter: _Hoving two best Friends: _ 


Ч Е 
. 


Sisterly love (2 i „TEEN Magazine, - 
orto Snoor N A 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


The President and Mrs. Clinton were in bed 
late one night when Hillary tugged on his el- 
bow and asked, “Bill, are you awake?" 

“What do you want?” 

“1 need a glass o 

"Are you kidding? I'm the 
United States 


“TI get the water myself, 
just want you to save my place.” 


Pıaysov cassic: A married couple was enjoy- 
ing a dinner out when a statuesque brunette 
walked over to their table, exchanged warm 
greetings with the husband and walked off. 
"Who was that?" the wife asked. — — 

“If you must know,” the husband replied, 
“that was my mistress.” EM 

“Your mistress?" she fumed. “That's it! 1 
want a divorce!" 

"Are you sure you want to give up our big 
house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your 
furs, your jewelry and our vacation home in 
Mexico?" her husband asked y 

For a long time they dined in silence. Final- 
ly, the woman nudged her husband. "Isn't that 
How d over there?" she said. 
wit 


hat's his mistress,” he replied. 
“Oh.” she said, sipping her coffee. “Ours is 
much cuter.” 


How do you know you've met an extroverted 
accountant? While he’s talking to you he’s 
looking at your shoes instead of his own. 


White patrolling a late-night make-out spot a 
cop drove by acar and saw a couple inside with 
the dome light on. A young man was in the 
driver's seat, reading a ma; 
woman in m backseat was үй 
cer sto to investigate, walk 
СҢ аа and p ped on 
man cranked it down. "Yes, officer? 

“What are you doin; policeman asked. 

“Um reading a magazine." e 

Pointing toward the y lady in the back- 
scat, the officer then asked, "And what is she 
doing?" А " 

"She's knitting a sweater." _ 

“How old аге you, young fellow?” 

“I'm 19.” 

“And how old is she?” Я 

The fellow looked at his watch. “Well, in 
about 12 minutes,” he said, "she'll be 18." 


в 
he asked. j й 
"Yes," she said, "would you bring it up?" 
The man agreed. 


ke to join пи a 
i : 
ere 


Why did the auditor cross the road? Because 
he looked in the file and that's exactly what he 
did last year. 


mef demanded. 
g?” the man said. "I'm a U.S. 
se,” the mugger growled, cocking 
his weapon, “give me my money.” 


before?” ice 
portant to tell you. 


Illinois 60¢ 
$100 will be paid hos 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


ы = = 
E medo 


“Shoplifter, in aisle four.” 


138 


140 


It Is An 


Mariner 


radio ronnie was a 
prisoner of sex, crazy 
to fornicate with 
scrawny-assed marcia 
instead of that sweet 
woman at home. one 
more drink and i'll tell 
you all about it 


fiction By ETHAN COEN 


ow it might interest you to know, stranger, 
that that barstool you are sitting on is the 
very one Radio Ronnie Harper was occupy- 
ing when his wife bust through those doors 
and marched up to him and stabbed him in the neck, 
and both their little daughters watching. She had a 
Buck knife, Ronnie's own hunting knife, in fact, and 
stuck it in wrongways. I don’t mean handle first, how 
the hell you gonna do that, I mean cutting edge toward 
her, kind of sidearm, like she was boxing his ear. Except 
it was his neck. And that knife slides in like a good Buck 
knife will and she pulls toward her, which you're never 
supposed to do. You could get hurt. She was OK in this 
instance, though Ronnie of course died of it. 
No, I don’t mind your sitting there. I’m just saying. 
I myself was sitting right here, right next to him. 
This is my stool. No, thank you for asking, I was not in- 
jured. It was a domestic dispute, not a rampage. Ron- 
nie's stool and mine, right next to each other. Here I 
sat and do sit now. Most folks still reference that as 
Ronnie Harper's stool. Only a year ago he died. No, 
nobody minds you sitting there. We don’t do it as a 
rule, but not out of principle. Just prefer not to. So 
anybody sits there we know is a stranger. Well, not just 
because they sit there, but because we can see they're a 
stranger. If they weren't a stranger, they wouldn't sit 
there. Plus, we would know (continued on page 166) 


ILLUSTRATION BY CHARLES BURNS 


MICHAEL DOUGLAS 


"I'm not a shopper," says 
Michael Douglos. "I'm 
blessed to have a career that 
allows me to shop as part of 
my job. ! try to take advan- 
tage of fittings.” Douglas is a 
master of the ceremonial tux. 
Preparation for the Oscars 
starts months in advance 
with free offers from design- 
ers. These days, though, 
Douglas is on a campaign 

to withstand the barrage. 
“We actors sell out toa easi- 
ly. It's time to buy our own 
tuxes and dresses—or at 
least get better benefits from 
the exposure.” 


rich and famous 
guys pick their 
own clothes, too. 
these trendsetters 
rank at the top 


hat more ap- 
propriate 
time to com- 
pile our first 
Best Dressed 
List than when 
men’s fashion is on the rise? 
Call it the return of the gentle- 
man. All of the men who made 
our list are regular guys—albe- 
it incredibly successful ones— 
who have no problem with 
looking good. You won't find 
them pimping for free suits, 
but they are all surprisingly 
conversant in the language of 
fashion. Michael Douglas, for 
one, is a relentless promoter of 
Ellen Mirojnick, the costume 
designer for Wall Street, Basic 
Instinct and A Perfect Murder 
“I'm a big supporter of cos- 
tume designers,” says Douglas. 
“They set the fashion trends 
long before American design 
became so popular.” Mayor 
Willie Brown of San Francisco 
could school the most cosmo- 
politan dresser. His advice: Be 
careful when you break up an 
ensemble. His Honor explains 
“There's a reason they de- 
signed the pocket square or the 
tie the way they did. It wasn't 
meant to be used with six dif- 
ferent outfits. That would be 
counterproductive for them 
economically, so you better 
believe they designed it so 
you can't.” Without exception, 
these ten men enjoy being hip 
to fashion. Each has his own 
way of talking about it and 
thinking about it. But wheth- 
er they go to the clothes or 
the clothes come to them, they 
know what they like. They also 
don't care if they don't know 
everything. “I have no idea 
who makes what in ladies’ 
clothes,” admits Denis Leary 
“But I can point and say, ‘Look 
at that fucking dress!” 


MATTHEW 
BRODERICK 


Whether he’s making the 
scene in Hallywaad ar an 
Broadway, Matthew Braderick 
favars madern silhauettes. "I 
like clothes,” he says. “I just 
dan't like to admit it. I'm 
laughing and hanared to be 
an this list." His taste far can- 
temparary design is shared by 
his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, 
currently starring in HBO's Sex 
‘and the City. “I usually shap 
with her. It’s hard ta ga olone 
and she laves fashian.” 


LAWRENCE ELLISON” 


As head af software giant Ora- 
cle, Lawrence Ellisan is an im- 
peccably graamed antithesis of 
Bill Gates. “I used to buy cus- 
tom, but naw I'm a big fan of 
Brioni,” he says. "1 like classic, 
almast military cuts." Though 
he’s said to be warth $6 billion, 
he shops withaut a stylist. He'll 
hit Richard James an Sovile Row, 
Briani and Zegna in Milan and 
Wilkes Bashford in San Francisca 
("Where the mayar and I fight 
aver clothes"). A conservative ` 
dresser—blue suit, red tie, white 
shirt fram Charvet in Paris— 
Ellison's idea af fashion hell is 

a pair of plaid pants. 


DENIS LEARY 


“For me, clothes shopping doesn't hoppen unless I'm 
really fucking bored," says Denis Leary (right). He re- 
lies on his wife (she likes Calvin Klein) and his stylist 
and ex-girlfriend Rochelle Joseph. ("She's over the re- 
venge foctor. She mokes me look good." His jacket 
here is by Canoli. Off the set he wears beat-up 
leother jockets, hockey jerseys and shodes. “Steve Mc- 
Queen had a couple of different shodes in Bullit. | saw 
them as a kid and just went, Wow!” he says. 


DYLAN MCDERMOTT 


His prime-time role on the Emmy-winning droma The 
Practice os sharply dressed lawyer Bobby Donnell sets 
the bar high for Dylan McDermott (below right) ond 
his new studly image. Fortunotely he hos on olly at 
home. “Absolutely,” he admits. "My wife always helps 
me dress.” He likes designerwear by DKNY, 

Prodo, Gucci and Armani and obhors poisley ties. 
This year McDermott was tapped as one of People's 
50 Most Beautiful People. 


PATRICK EWING 


There wos an upside to this All-Star center's injury last 
year—Patrick Ewing (below) showed he could dress as 
well os his old Knicks boss Pat Riley. “Because of my 
size | con't shop off the rack,” says Patrick, “so most of 
my clothes are made-to-meosure by Donno Koron.” 
Today’s dressed-up NBA is “o competition thing. In the 
locker room we oll look to see who has on the best 
suit or nicest tie. And if we don't like what someone is 
wearing, we'll let him know!” 


WILLIE BROWN 


“without a hat, you haven't completed the wardrabe,” says Son 
Francisco Mayar Willie Brown (obove left). His callection is mostly 
from Mrs. Dewson's Hats on Fillmore: stingy-brim hats for casual- 
wear ond, of course, strow hats for summer. “I corry two hats in 
my car—once the fog rolls in at night, you'll ruin the straw. Un- 
less it’s a Panamonion.” The mayor stops into Wilkes Boshford ev- 
ery other day, much to the chogrin of his power-dressing rival and 
fellow Brioni fon Lawrence Ellison. "He jokes that | get the good 
stuff first,” Brown says. “Tell him to try shopping on a budget!” 


HOWIE LONG 


There was never ony stopping Howie Long (obove)—not on the 
footboll field as Pro Bowl defensive linemon for the Raiders, not 
in the booth os on Emmy-winning sportscoster, not in the movie 
Broken Arrow. Now odd top-drower dresser to the list. "1 go for 
an understoted look,” Long soys. “1 like Donno Koron. Her suits 
are well made for the othletic build. They ore boggy in the thighs 
but tapered at the woist.” Long soys the biggest chollenge for 
guys with big builds is “finding o woman who likes brood, mus- 
cle-bound shoulders.” And? “Fortunately, | found one.” 


MATT LAUER 


Newscaster Mat! Lover (left) colls his morning gig on the Today 
show the best job in the world. So you won't heor him comploin- 
ing about his 4:30 woke-up coll every morning. Louer's suits ore 
his own. He dresses at home, no stylist or wordrobe person near- 
by. Though he doesn't like to name nomes, chances are he'll 
wear Armani or Ermenegildo Zegno. Louer shops ot Richard's in 
Greenwich, Connecticut, where he had o port-time gig while in 
high school. Foshion is a big part of his life: His fioncée, Dutch 
beouty Annette Roque, is a model for J. Crew. 


WILL SMITH 


Perhaps Will Smith is the 
guy who best exemplifies 
the ability of today’s new 
gentleman to wear a 
wide range of clothes. 
He can slick it up for 
Men in Black or get jiggy 
with it in hip-hop gear. 
These days, Smith is into 
golf. He has a 150-yard, 
por-three hole on his es- 
tate. Hf he's as influential 
on the sport as he has 
been in music and 
movies, perhaps we'll all 
be wearing baseball 
caps and jerseys on the 
back nine. 


A A ee 


“You know, Viagra’s the gift that just keeps on giving.” 


IN THE COMPANY Of MEN: 
THE LOST SCENE 


A NAUGHTY SECRET FROM THE CONFESSIONS OF CHAD. READ IT, BUT DON'T TELL MOM 


HE MOST disturbing movie 

of 1997 was also the most 

misunderstood. Written 

and directed by Neil La- 
Bute, Jn the Company of Men rattled 
audiences with characters who utter 
things most men only think about and 
who do things most men only talk 
about. (In Your Friends and Neighbors, 
LaBute's 1998 film about mean people 
and bad sex, he adds the inner work- 
ings of women to the mix.) Though In 
the Company of Men is about alienation 
in the corporate world, it is often mis- 
takenly labeled an exercise in misogy- 
ny. In it, the movie's misanthropic anti- 
hero Chad (played by Aaron Eckhart) 
destroys his rival by recruiting him in a 
scheme to seduce a deaf girl and then 
break her heart. Even today a mention 
of Chad or the movie itself throws 
some people into a cold rage. Now 
there’s more—a climactic monolog in 
which Chad recalls a special lady in his 
life. It comes from LaBute's original 
script but was never shot. 

“Audiences always want to know, 
“Why?” Or, ‘Where did you get the 
idea?” says LaBute. “They also like to 
add, ‘What's the matter with you?" 
They are even more inquisitive when 
things aren't tied up neatly at the end 
of the film. When faced with these 
questions—audiences always look for 
answers from the writer—I'm the ulti- 
mate fence-sitter. The biggest concerns 
with In the Company of Men involve 
Chad: ‘Why is he Chad, and how can he 
do the things he does?’ A writer likes to 
answer, 'Why not? Why not explore— 
who says we can't go there?’ As I fleshed 
out his character, I worked on detail- 
ing a day from his past. As a writer I 
needed this scene, but as a director I 
thought it was too overt. It wasn't writ- 
ten as an explanation for Chad's be- 
havior. I didn't want to assign every- 
thing in his personality to one episode 
in his youth, but invariably it would 
have been seen that way. Ultimately, it 
was useful only in giving both Aaron 
and myself a place to begin with Chad. 

"For those who ponder this scene, 
it's best to think of it as merely another 
piece of the puzzle that is Chad. If. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


Lt 


WRITTEN BY DIRECTOR NEIL LABUTE 


nothing else, consider it a Christmas 
card from me to you.” 


YMCA POOL—EARLY EVENING 

In a quiet corner of the lap pool at the neigh- 
borhood Y, cHADis pulled up against the tile, 
holding on to the side and lazily kicking his 
feet in the blue water. A co-worker drifts 
nearby. CHAD'S eyes are closed as he speaks. 


CHAD 


I'm lying in my bed, bunk beds we 
had at home, maybe 16 years old, and 


I'm jerking off. Normal, right? I've 
skipped school, home for the day, Gilli- 
gan’s Island is not coming on for anoth- 
er two hours, and I start playing with 
myself. [Beat] So I'm doing it, going at 
it, looking at the poster of Farrah and 
on and on. . . . I glance up—God 
knows the actual time that's passed— 
and my fucking mom is standing at the 
door of my room, watching me. Jesus! 
I start sputtering, making up medical 
reasons for my hobby, and I'm not 
messing with (concluded on page 194) 


149 


m 


“yl ad, isn’t it?” Kevin Smith says, grinning. 

C A bit dazed, I can only BRUM MUS 

b In my hands is Chronic Odyssey A the 

A y Anachronistic Enigma, the first of two 

bursting scrapbooks of notes, rejection 

letters, scripts, vital statistics, pictures 

and report cards—in fact, seemingly everything 

except the foreskin from his circumcision—that 

the director of Clerks collected during his youth. 

“Tve got trunkfuls of the stuff,” he says matter-of- 

Baly, Never let it be said that Smith is afraid of 

public exposure; some would say he has made a 
career of it. 

We're hanging out in Smith's apartment in Red 
Bank, New Jersey. In person, the 28-year-old 
Smith is irrepressibly witty and sharp-minded; his 
voice shakes slightly at first, but his natural confi- 


it Е а 
THE CLERH, THE GIRL AND THE 


ЕАО JOB 


Playboy Profile By STEPHAN TALTY 


dence soon shows itself. The dark eyes behind his 
metal-rimmed glasses are coolly appraising, but 
they flare with warmth when he laughs. 

I return to the Odyssey. Among the love letters 
and break-up notes CI kel lied to, cheated, used, 


deceived, misled, foolish, gullible, angry, hurt, 
naive and basically pissed on—good job” writes 
“Amy”) are clues to the beginnings of the slacker 


sensibility that shot Smith to stardom. “There is a 
large, esoteric sense of humor at work behind the 
universe,” writes the teenage Smith. “And you 
spend your whole life straining to understand the 
joke. The best you can hope for is to counter with 
your own brilliant one-liner.” 

Smith has countered well. With Clerks, his 1994 
breakout debut, he became one of the godfa- 
thers of Nineties indie film and helped shape its 


MIT] 
1 pave. 


27 


PLAYBOY 


152 


priorities: low budgets, sharp wit, per- 
sonal revelation. After Clerks came the 
humiliating defeat of Mallrats and a 
brilliant comeback with the boy-meets- 
lesbian story Chasing Amy. 

Next spring his most daring, ambi- 
tious and expensive film yet, a religious 
black comedy called Dogma, will, he 
hopes, debut at the Cannes Film Festi- 
val. Dogma is bound to be hugely con- 
troversial; if the Vatican issued fatwas, 
Smith would certainly earn one for this 
movie. His comment on the picture— 
"I think we have a movie that will 
knock people off their chairs"—is a 
rare understatement. 

It's been a hell of a ride for the kid 
from a clam diggers’ town. 

Later, Smith and I walk down Red 
Bank's Broad Street, which has the 
charm and the bustle of It’s a Wonderful 
Life's Bedford Falls. “Did you hear that 
young George Bailey's having trouble 
down at the bank?” Smith jokes. The 
director is dressed in his trademark 
semieccentric ensemble: khaki shorts 
and green-and-black wool overcoat 
in 30-degree weather. The long coat 
sweeps along like a cape and is either a 
tribute to the comic superheroes he 
loves or a cover for the weight he is try- 
ing to lose, 

Smith is often recognized in town; a 
brown Camaro beeps at a stoplight and 
he gives a wave. The younger faces on 
the street nod to him; Smith is like the 
secret mayor of Red Bank youth. But 
unlike George Bailey, the director left 
his Bedford Falls and got burned in the 
big world. Now he scems to have found 
his place in the world—his world, small- 
town New Jersey—again. 


Smith was born in Red Bank on Au- 
gust 2, 1970 and raised in the nearby 
clamming town of Highlands. He is 
Highlands’ most famous native son, 
but he recently got into trouble with 
the locals by calling it a white trash en- 
clave—a term Smith used with a cer- 
tain working-class pride. A resident, 
Dotty Kovic, wrote him an irate letter: 
“How dare you call Highlands white 
trash? I think you're the white trash.” 

When Smith was a child, his days 
were scheduled around his father's late 
shifts at the post office. The elder 
Smith began as a go-getter but grew to 
despise his job. “I always pitied my 
fucking father,” Smith says. He remem- 
bers his dad getting up some days and 
being unable to face the grind; he 
would ask someone to call him in. If 
some people see slackers as rich kids 
who can't be bothered to join the rat 
race, Smith comes from a tougher 
school. Early on, he vowed never to 
work at something he didn't enjoy. His 
admitted laziness is a kind of proletari- 


an statement. 

Smith was a B and C student who 
videotaped the school basketball games 
and put on Saturday Night Live-style 
skits. A chubby kid, he had a minicrisis 
when his humpbacked fourth grade 
teacher pointed out “the gut on you, 
Mr. Smith!” (an event recorded on the 
Odyssey time line). Like many an over- 
weight kid, he became an observer— 
and a joker. “I found humor is a real 
great aphrodisiac,” says Smith. “Just 
make a broad laugh and you're in like 
Flynn.” 

After high school, Smith drifted 
through a series of jobs at delis, conve- 
nience stores and community centers. 
Astab at college didn't work out. Smith 
was headed toward a life of under- 
achievement and what-ifs, an existence 
out of a Springsteen song. 

The burning bush that spoke to 
Smith and sparked his career was a 
1991 film by a 30-year-old filmmaker 
from Austin, Texas. On his 21st birth- 
day, Smith went to see Richard Link- 
later’s comedy Slacker and came away 
a changed man. “That was the first 
movie ] saw that was set in the direc- 
tor’s hometown. It wasn’t shot on a 
soundstage, it wasn't shot in New York 
or Los Angeles or Chicago. I mean, 
how great is that? And when I started 
thinking about it, I was like, "Well, 
right, if Richard can make this movie 
in Austin, I can make a movie where I 
live.’ And then it started to appeal to 
me—the idea of regional cinema. You 
know, as much as you think you're talk- 
ing about where you live, you wind up 
talking about where everybody lives.” 

Smith was working in a local Quick 
Stop convenience store and decided to 
set his film there. He borrowed the life- 
in-a-day structure from Spike Lee's Do 
the Right Thing, maxed out more than a 
dozen credit cards and sold his beloved 
comic-book collection to meet the 
$27,000 budget. For talent, he looked 
around him. Where others might have 
seen blue-collar layabouts, Smith saw 
possibilities. 

“A lot of people wrote us off,” says 
Smith. “I have friends who are amaz- 
ingly gifted, very talented. But they 
weren't really open to the possibilities. 
When they watched movies, they said, 
‘Oh, other people do that shit.’ I sat 
two of my friends down and said, ‘I'm 
going to go to film school and when I 
get back we're going to make a movie 
together.’ And they looked at me like I 
had said, ‘I'm going to give you two 
guys a blow job." 

The shockingly witty Clerks tells the 
ribald story of Dante, an indecisive 
convenience store worker who is be- 
sieged by a former girlfriend, annoying 
customers, hilarious but maddening 
friends and the myriad pressures of 


working-class life. The picture draws 
directly from much of Smith's experi- 
ence and sketches out many of the 
themes that run through his work. The 
fascination with Star Wars, the surgi- 
cally precise social caricatures, the 
dick jokes, the humid closeness of male 
friendships and the laziness of the 
main character all reflect on the writer- 
director. So does the obsession with fe- 
male infidelity. 

If Slacker was the event that shaped 
Smith's professional life, the one that 
marked his personal existence had 
to do with a girlfriend named Kim 
Loughran, a pair of corduroys and a 
hand job. Though it happened more 
than ten years ago, Smith still tells the 
story with passion. He was a superro- 
mantic teenager at the time and had 
not yet been burned in love. 

“Kim was driving back from a track 
meet with this dude, and they were re- 
al chummy and shit. This dude was 
wearing corduroys, and she’s rubbing 
the corduroy on his pants, and she 
says, ‘I always liked the feel of cor- 
duroy.’ And all of a sudden she winds 
up giving him a hand job. So for a year, 
I mercilessly hounded her about it: ‘Is 
that all that happened? Did you touch 
his dick? Were lips involved?’ I was re- 
al childish. But that was the darkest 
time, man. I think that’s where a lot of 
Clerks comes from. And after that, T 
never wore fucking corduroys again.” 

When we get to his office, we meet 
Kim as we walk in. She is now Smith's 
assistant. “I told him the hand job sto- 
ту,” Smith announces blithely. 

Kim looks up. “Did you also tell him 
about the time you practically threw 
me on the cafeteria floor because of 
it?” she shoots back. They crack up. 
It's weirdly like high school never 
ended, 

Clerks was a Sundance baby. Smith 
took it to Robert Redford's indie festi- 
val, but by the final screening it still 
hadn't sold. It looked as though Smith 
would be working at the Quick Stop for 
life, until Miramax’ co-chairman Har- 
vey Weinstein showed up. At a restau- 
rant after the screening, Smith got the 
proverbial nod to join the big table, 
where Weinstein told him he wanted to 
buy the movie. Then Weinstein, “full of 
piss and vinegar,” according to Smith, 
explained how he would market the 
movie and open it up to the widest 
audiences. “I loved this guy,” recalls 
Smith. “He's smart and he smokes a lot 
and eats a lot, and that's my kind of 
dude. And he says 'fuck an awful lot.” 

Clerks made $2.8 million and estab- 
lished Smith, for better or worse, as a 
voice of American youth. Even corpo- 
rate America has come calling. Late in 
the day were driving through New 

(continued on page 216) 


“We're watching videos of vintage office parties!” 


LEONARDO DICAPRIO and KATE WINSLET Unsinkable 


Titanic's star-crossed lovers launch a generational sea change. 


JUL 


t by С С EDGREN There was, without question, a changing of the guard for sex stars іп 1998, гот the Old 
Reliables to the Young and Fearless. It began with the spectacular on-screen sinking of the HMS Titanic, which floated its 
young lovers, 23-year-olds Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, straight to the top of box-office attractions. And it wasn’t 
the nautical disaster’s special effects that packed the cineplexes; it was the film’s Romeo-and-Juliet love story. Matt Damon, 
27, and Ben Affleck, 26, demonstrated both acting and filmmaking chops in Good Will Hunting, a project they’d nurtured 
from their own screenplay through development, finally winning an Academy Award (one of the few not swallowed up by 
Titanic's wake). Catherine Zeta-Jones, a 28-year-old actress well known in her native Wales but (text continued on page 223) 


SEX STANS 19 


movies launched a new generation, 
tv talent got hot and supermodels—surprise—reigned 


CATHERINE ZETA-JONES Unbuttoned Щ ANTONIO BANDERAS Man behind another mask? 
Welsh-born beauty, her bodice ripped in Zorro, Studly Spaniard doffs Zorro disguise to make a pass 
rebounds from Banderas to Connery. NA at the Phantom. 


APBELL $ Ser ming queen, 
тү a conquers ateen franchise. 


HEIDI MARK All aboard! NDERSON The Pam what am 
Playmate hired as cruise director for The Love Boat. ut of an abusive marriage, she becomes a certified VIP. 


\ї 


NAOMI CAMPBELL model behavior | || CAMERON DIAZ Natural wonder | 
Hot mannequin hosts a kids’ benefit for „|_| What you see is what you get: great Ginger Spice gets a gushy goodbye 
Nelson Mandela. | personality, no implants. | note from Prince Charles. 


DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN Smokin’ 
Former MTV and E Television [Former MV! ліе со ا ر‎ се а pen show fe Gun T hosts a new show for Cigar TV. 


VICTORIA SILVSTEDT Poster girl 


Last year's PMOY poses far a steamy film-festival proma. 


ELLE MACPHERSON Model mom SALMA HAYEK quintuple threat 
Jet-setting supermadel juggles a baby and a profitable career. Soutb-of-the-border bombshell bad five films in 1998. 


Lo X Ju A 


OSCAR DE LA HOYA Boffo boxer 
Pugilism’s biggest draw brings sex appeal 
o he ring. | 


“CHARLIZE THERON High and mighty 
Lust object segues from The Astronaut’s Wife 
to a remake of Mighty Joe Young. 


NWAE > 
NN 


BEN ECK and 

MATT DAMON Hunting licensed 

Since creating (ond starring in) Good Will Hunting, 
these pals can do no wrong. 


=. 
CARMEN ELECTRA High voltage 
She's Electrafying in Chosen One: Legend of the Raven. 


M‏ ت ی 
JENNIFER LOPEZ Leading Latina‏ 
Sizzling senorita lights Clooney's fire on-screen—and she sings, too.‏ 


ү 


d 


DONNA D'ERRICO New beach beckons 4 PATRICIA ARQUETTE triangular 


Former lifeguard lands her own MTV * | Well-connected actress specializes in 
je-sand show, Prima Donna. cinematic love triangles. 


^ MEL 


P4 
- - — 
——— ر‎ 
GENA LEE NOLIN Bye-bye, Baywatch DREW BARRYMORE Cinderella story 


After saying she'd stay, she left—for “other Shi rates the foiry tale—with 
opportunities” aad acting school. ince Charming. 
کے‎ 


п : 
ry 5, 3 KAREN MC DOUGAL Playboy's pick 
м Former schoolteacher gets high marks as PMOY. 


Pan 


LINDA BRAVA Fit fiddler 
Violin-playing beauty has strings, 
but few inhibitions, attached. 


a 
LIV TYLER Directors’ darling 
She's been cast by the great ones: 
Bertolucci, Forman, Altman and Stone. 


TRACI BINGHAM Beached bombshell 
Grounded by Baywatch, she weds in a " 
gown by a roynl couturier 


E 
y HALLE BERRY Fool for love 
Bulworth beauty asks, Why Do Fools Fall in Love? | 


JIM CARREY Remake, anyone? 
After his original Truman, he's recycling 
Walter Mitty and Mr. Limpet. 


CINDY CRAWFORD Tapped for the tube 
, Supermodel bride hosts Sex With Cindy Crawford special. 
| 


ГЕ ЕН 


CE hristmé 


nuts Rocsting on on Open Fite”) 


Bill's nuts roosting on on open fire, 
Next to Starr‘s, that little shit. 

And Linda Tripp, neatly cut into strips, 
With Ginsburg sizzling on a spit. 


While we're at it, dip the mecio 
One by one in boiling pitch. 

You testify to the sleazy shit | 

Had to, girl, you too will be o bitch. 


RENNETH 
STARR 


Christmas Eve, I'll be at home olone. 
Guys don't flock to some babe who 
Wound up reporting in detail in court 
On the lost guy she blew. 


MONICA LEWINSKY 


(To the tune of "Angels We Hove Heard on High") 


Angels I would serve on high 
Wilh subpoenas to appear. 

Га make Jesus testify, 

If thought it would nail Bill's reor. 


Tightening the screws is 
Eupho-00000-00000-00000-ria, 
Being page one news is. 


[Il use anything it takes: 

Rumor, threat, blackmail or fear. 
Christmas no damned difierence makes, 
1 know jus! one kind of cheer 


[Chorus] 
Eupho-00000-00000-00000-1I0, 
Making others cower, 
Eupho-00000-00000-00000-Fia 
Comes from unchecked power now. 


s. 


(To the tune of "The Christmas Song—Chest- 


(To the tune of "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear") 


Its time to make our bid quite clear 

And don't try to stop us, you cont. 
Today the Net, then the world, no sweat; 
‘Submit or be crushed like an ont. 


[Chorus] 

Soon Windows systems will moke your meols, 
Your purchases and your plans. too. 

Your voice they'll know, and have cameras, so 
Thot they om keep € se tabs on you 


1 plan to buy up the government 

‚And shut down the ports I don't like. 

The jerks at Justice, ho, they go first, 

And Reno, that creepy old dyke. 

[Chorus] 

‚And then we must repeal antitrust 

Lows, so we con—whee—innovole." 
(Which means absorbing Netscape and Sun 
And anything we don't create.) 


111 rule the planet, but have no fear: 

I'm not a despot, just o geek. 

| still pay folks to select my clothes 
And get lost in my house twice a week. 


[Chorus] 

So Merry Christmas to one and all! 
You'll get this wish soon, by e-mail, 
Unless you're not running Windows, in 
‘Which cose, well, | hope you like jail 


BILL GATES 


(To the tune of 
“Away in a Monger”) 
Away from great danger, | think Im ОК 

Yve mode it this far. but just how | can't soy. 

m deluged with scandals, but my polls just rise 
Like "Slick Willie Junior“ when I think of thighs, 


This Christmas, | give thanks and wish the world joy. 
‚And pray thot they catch Ken Star with a young boy, 
‚And cherish the lesson that God hath me tought 
Have faith, ond believe, and just don’t admit squat. 


(To the tune of `O Little Town af Bethlehem”) 


Оше minds and bediom, 

You've been so good to me 

With staged fistfights and grotesque lies, 
‚And millions tuned ta see. 

“Transvestite moms!" "Gay Nazis!" 

“An inbred family" 

А Christmastime, thanks for mankind's 
Greot gulibilily. 


‘When bluenose graups applied the heat, 
The other talk shows caved. 

The saps—tt's tasteless crop with which 
The road to wealth is paved. 

Ive booked same folks whose foreplay 
Involves continence. 

Be corefu what you call me, thaugh— 
Real whores moy take offense 


| know you'll love our Christmas shaw: 
Our “Santo” wears cule frocks, 

‘And lonely Shepherds show us all 
What's meant by “tending flocks.” 

A pregnant "virgin" tells her 


‘Spouse how that can be, 
And he then tries to kill her 
As folks chant, “Jerry. Jerry!" 


JERRY 
SPRINGER 


(To the tune of 
"Its Beginning to Look Like Christmas") 


Irs beginning lo look о lot like sequel, 
Every time we do 

‘The numbers bosed on the gross 
From “Titanic,” feeling grows: 

We'd be nuts not to moke “Titonic II." 


Maybe “Titonic Nights: The Untold Story,” 


Or "Tonic: 2002." GARTH BROOKS 
The wreck, it ain't going no ploce. 
Jus! throw in o speedboat chose, (To the tune of “Silver Bells”) 


А соте, nude Sex scenes ond some kung fu Henr Ihe bells? My stuff sells, ond the cash registers jingle. 


1 could sing Wogner's ‘Ring’ and ship й gold he some doy. 


(To the tune of "0 Соте, All Ye Faithfur) 


t vid ы үйө Get Matt Damon, ог olmost ony Hanson 
rae = ae me For young girls to adore, [Cronus] 
Though your dates get bored, ‘And | think | con promise you Being Garth Brooks 
(If we donî blow it like “Speed 27) lom sure looks 
уте female, lo find the male 
ШШ ps ps тшш Thot we'll olly score. Like great fun, but not so 
So loopy you adore me, Life's beginning to look a loHike Chrisimos “Couse this regular-guy front ain! easy. 


Im you, so you root for me Once more. N I Garth's fans leam 

Тепке а chord 5 How much Leom 

Though on illusion Wel, hey jus might gel pissed 

V capture your confusion, That Garth makes Mei year's toke in two days. 
Tm cute ond successful 


‘Wear old jeans, eat baked beans and drive o pickup in publi. 
Understand, Garth's о brond—o product just like Coors or Loy s. 


Yet life's stressful ond weird. 
Im great! Behold me! (Wish someone would hold me.) 


meuddly yel гелоїс, [бол] 
My love life's episodic, 
I wont respect and row dick, ‚And at Christinos 
‚And to be revered. Garth of course must 
" Issue greetings to dl, 
1 moke you feel youe 
haao он Onhis own TV holiday special. 
At leost there's no dancing Then tm off lo 
Baby making you rove. Aspen, Corfu, 
No more breos!-beoling: Here's my seoson’s greeling— 1 Or my yacht ot St. Kits, 
Amd your celebration S Where | hope ПІ continue to heor 
Dont toost me with elation us JAMES 
‘Couse, giri, I'm the creation Ringing bells, as Garth sells, becouse his fans slil refuse to 
Of a guy named Dove. E Am ERIN Foc the foct If's an ac—Im only "Garth Brooks‘ for pay 
(To the tune of "What Child Is This?) (о the tune of “Litle Drummer Boy) In court 1 had my doy, 
Vina! child is this, who begs to rest Said the oop to me, Am un Y 
flet just len hours at the factory? Po umpa pum pum ы re wal else could | say, 
For what we pay (seven Duo a doy), "Hey Ihots felony” AL en 
Such on atitude's rot sdlislccory. Po rump pum pum БЫШ ae 
[Chorus] à gel a & Bs No pi! Humoy! GEDRGE 
Worldwide, Kids hove earned lo so у j X brc oul he rum 
ү. ‘Not that perversity! Chrismas hos come, m l CH REL 


“A hundred bucks for a shoe? No way” Just what ore you, scum? 


Swoosh, swoosh, Nike stocks gone down. Came dong, bum Toast fil were numb. 


Jordan's no longer worth all thot money. ‚And wipe off your thumb.” Yuletide cheers from me, 
What слі is his, who wants ime of Wl core over me? en, 
On Christmas Ооу, lo токе merry? Pa rumpa pum pum 
We took a dump from the Asan slump (Well, | did, actually.) 
‘And our botiom line's looking quite scary Pa rumpa pum pum. 
fd just stopped off lo wee, 
[Chorus] Po rurnpa рит рит 
Work, work, kid, ard just be glod And then cn urge stuck me, 
That you're nol at our plant in Iskornabad. And wham, | succumbed. 
‚Christmas doesn't come tor tree, Boy, wos that dumb. 


So just do i or lose your job, sonny (But it wos fun.) 


PLAYBOY 


166 


Ancient Mariner continued from page 140) 


Don't know that Ronnie did either, far as that goes. 
More just like—bam—he had to nail that thing. 


who they were. 

Thank you. Very kind of you. Seven- 
and-Seven. 

What Ronnie did, worked for a man- 
ufacturing concern in town. Patterson 
Roofing Solutions. They make a, well, 
a kind of a goopus, has industrial ap- 
plications. They spray it on a roof, it 
reflects back 80 percent of the sun's 
radiant energy. Beaumont Texas, you 
wanna get rid of that radiant energy. I 
don't know where you're from, but 
around here radiant energy is some- 
thing we'd just as soon reflect right on 
back where it come from. Thank you 
anyway. Two kinds of places, one where 
they say, Well, it’s a dry heat, the other 
where they say, Damn, it's hot. That's 
what Beaumont Texas is, just Damn, 
it's hot. .. . Well, OK, yes. I guess that 
would be a third kind of place, where it 
ain't hot in the first place. You're not 
from around here, are you? But that 
doesn’t alter the point I'm making, 
which is that Beaumont Texas is a 
damn-it's-hot kind of place. 

So the way this stuff works is this 
goopus is got ceramic in it. It looks lig- 
uidy, but it's got microscopic ceramic 
particles in it, reflect the radiant ener- 
gy. Plus it's white. Actually you can get 
different colors. If you don't want the 
white they can do you another color. 
Be a little less efficient than the white. 
But still. 

Yeah, I did say industrial applica- 
tions. Nobody puts it on their homes. 

No, I don’t know why they don't put 
it on their homes. I suppose they 
could. But you know, it’s funny, most 
people sit where you're sitting, they're 
more interested in how Radio Ronnie 
come to get stabbed in the neck and his 
two little daughters watching than in 
this goopy shit Patterson puts on facto- 
ry roofs. I don't know why people don't 
use it on their goddamn house. 

So Ronnie was a salesman for Patter- 
son Roofing Solutions. Covered Beau- 
mont, large part of east Texas, Port Ar- 
thur, even into Louisiana. Not a bad 
salesman. Liked. Respected, far as that 

goes. Drank here. Not to excess. Did 
dual though. And that was his stool. 

So he starts fornicating. How do I 
know? Well this is my barstool, and that 
you sit upon his. And he was dragging 
his sorry ass in here, getting sorrier by 
the day so I know something's wrong. 
And it's like he's just waiting for me to 
ask him, so one day when his chin is 
down on the bartop 1 say Ronnie, and 


he says Uh-huh, and I say What is it? 

And he says, Lam one son ofa bitch 

I say Yeah? He says Yeah, I been 
cheatin’ on my wife. 1 am one lousy son 
ofa bitch. Cheatin’ on Alice, acting like 
a heel, fornicating with Marcia Ziegler. 

Oh, says I. Marcia Ziegler also works 
for Patterson. Reception. Dark-haired 
woman. Scrawny. Surprised me, actual- 
ly, that Ronnie was moved to fornicate 
with such a scrawny-assed woman. His 
wife Alice is very well proportioned. 
"Two kids or not, she's a more attractive 
woman than Marcia Ziegler any day. 

He says, Can you believe that shit, 
officer candidate? Which is what we 
called each other sometimes from when 
we were in OCS. though we both bag- 
assed out. 

I say Yeah, well, Jesus, Ronnie, cut 
it out. 

And he shakes his head and says, I 
can't, man. I just can't. 

Ronnie was an honest man. You'd 
look at him and you might think the 
opposite, just from how he dressed and 
being in sales and being easy with peo- 
ple like he was. See, he was pretty trim, 
my age—40, both 40—and wore Tony 
Lama boots, lizard, pressed jeans, thin 
leather jacket nice and buttery. And of 
course his beard. Coing a little to gray 
but always neatly trimmed. Like he 
took a little too much care with it. So 
you figure, well he's a smoothy, but my 
point is no, he wasn't. Not at all. You sit 
on a barstool next to a man who's full 
of shit and pretty soon you'll know it. 
And Ronnie was foursquare, even with 
that beard. 

Now, Marcia Ziegler I happen to 
know. To say hello to, anyway. Scrawny- 
assed, as 1 had occasion to mention. 
With a way of talking that’s a litle 
snide. Like she can't say anything 
straight out, it's always got some dig or 
angle to it, always comes out the side of 
her mouth. Straight hair, bottom bob, 
hangs down like a little curtain her face 
peeks through. Ears stick out like a 
chipmunky animal. Don't know what 
Ronnie saw in her. Scrawny-assed. 

1 know that some of the other men 
she'd seen, eligible men, she'd pretty 
quick either dump or get dumped, ei- 
ther way saying snide things out of the 
corner of her mouth. Always talked like 
that. When she talks snide, if you take 
offense she'll laugh and say Just kid- 
ding out of the side of her mouth. Slip 
away at an angle, you can't talk to her 
head-on. Laughs a lot, Marcia, but just 


kind of heh-heh-heh; I never once 
heard her laugh like something actu- 
ally struck her funny. Thin woman. 
Don't care for her. 

Don't know that Ronnie did 
far as that goes. Not in the palsy-walsy 
sense. More just like bam he had to nail 
that thing. I mean not just once, but 
keep bangin’ on it. Missed days at the 
bar ‘cause he was out nailing Marcia 
Ziegler. Went on a company trip once, 
this was some time after he confessed 
to me. Patterson organized a trip on 
the Nueces, canoeing, camping. Alice 
agrees Ronnie should go, have a liule 
vacation from the girls—they had two 
little girls, Fonda and Annabelle, wit- 
nessed his death in the end, though at 
this point they haven't yet, now he's 
just ош canoeing—and Marcia Ziegler 
is on the trip as well. First night they 
beach the boats, make a camp, have а 
fish fry. Relaxing afterwards at the 
campfire and people say Ronnie gets 
all shifty-eyed and excuses himself. 
And they realize Marcia's gone too. 
Pretty soon from up in the woods they 
hear this caterwauling like a puma in 
heat, and Marcia's screaming, out and 
out screaming, “Fuck me Ronnie Har- 
per! Fuck me Ronnie Harper!” Every- 
one at the fire sits there, they don't 
know where to look. Then the nervous 
laughs. And it keeps going, and they 
say it just got positively creepy, that 
screaming from out in the woods, like a 
wildcat over fresh kill. Creepy. Then, 
after a quiet spell, Ronnie saunters 
back to the fire, not with his chest 
thrown out like a high school kid 
bagged his first piece of ass, just shifty- 
eyed. Everybody tries not to look at 
him. And then Marcia waits what I 
guess she thinks is a decent interval, 
which only makes it worse what with 
the suspense, and then she wanders 
back. Humming. 

Well starting from then, of course 
behind Ronnie's back, everybody calls 
him Fuck Me Ronnie Harper. Gets 
shortened to FM Ronnie Harper, then 
just Radio Ronnie. Folks figure that’s 
‘obscure enough they start calling him 
Radio Ronnie to his face. I don't ap- 
prove of that kind of thing, elbows and 
guffaws, but tell you the truth I don't 
think Ronnie even noticed. 

See, he wasn't noticing much of any- 
thing around then. I mean, before 
that, you'd see Ronnie and he'd chat 
and be easy and free, but now Ronnie 
is always rushing away, kind of squir- 
relly, saying I'm late to meet a client, 
but you always knew damn well who 
that client was. There was no joy in it, 
though, you could see that. It was this 
desperate look in his eyes like Ronnie 
was inside banging on the windows 
saying, Sorry, my dick is calling the 

(continued on page 202) 


No 


AS ANNIE AND WANI 
SPENDING CHRISTMAS: EN матно! 
N CNS IE, CODD! N 
ID ROASTING: К CHESTNUTS: 
ey DN OPEN FIRE, N TIMES LIKE 
THESE THAT CAUSE WANDA TO 
REFLECTONA GRIST CLASSIC... 


THE VIBRATOR HUNG BY THE 
CHIMNEY WITH CARE, 

IN HOPES THAT NEW BATTERIES 
SOON WOULD BE THERE. 


/ AND ANNIE IN A NIGHTIE, AND ME WEARING LESS, 
HAD JUST SETTLED IN FOR A LONG WINTER'S REST. 6 


WHEN OUT IN THE HALL THERE 
AROSE SUCH A CLATTER, 
ANNIE SPRANG FROM HER BED 
TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER! 


D 
(i WAS THE NIGHT 
BEFORE CHRISTMAS, 
AND ALL THROUGH 
THE TOWN, 
NO CREATURE 
YOU'D CALL 
"MR. RIGHT” 
COULD BE FOUND. 


THE DOORMAN WAS SLEEPING, 
HIS DESK FOR A BED, 

WHILE DREAMING THE SPICE GIRLS 
WERE GIVING HIM HEAD 


ACROSS THE APARTMENT SHE FLEW р, 


LIKE A STREAK, 
OPENED THE DOOR, DOWN THE HALL 
TOOK A PEEK. 


THE LIGHT ON HER BREASTS 
MADE THEM GLISTEN LIKE GOLD, 


ANP SHOWED HOW HER NIPPLES 


STOOP? OUT FROM THE COLD, 


7 167 


WHEN WHO TO HER STILL- PROWSY EYES SHOULD APPEAR? 
BUT BENTON BATTBARTON WITH DRINKS, AND A LEER. WOW, BOOBIES! WOW, TA-TAS / A 
DRESSED IN A BEARD AND RED SUIT LIKE ST. NICKIE, 50 ROUND AND SO LISSOME! 


OH ANNIE, SWEET ANNIE, 
HE CLEARLY WAS THINKING OF GETTING A QUICKIE. PLEASE CAN TI OUST” 


KISS ‘EM? 


YOU CAN'T KISS THEM 
OR FEEL THEM, 
OR TOUCH THEM AT ALL. 
AND To ASK ME AT CHRISTMAS 
YOU SURE HAVE SOME GALL / 


BATTBARTON, CRESTFALLEN, JUST THEN, IN ATWINKLING, 
WAS CRUSHED-HE COULD TELL, SHE HEARD ON THE ROOF A AND THEN, BEFORE ANNIE 
IN ANNIES BLUE EYES, SUDDEN NOISE- COULD IT BE COULD GET BACK TO BED, 
HE WAS SANTA FROM HELL. THE RETURN OF THAT GOOF? HE CAME DOWN THE CHIMNEY 
AS HE STAGGERED AWAY, AND CRASHED ON HIS HEAD 


HE'S NICE ENOUGH SOBER, 
BUT NOT WHEN HE'S 
HAMMERED. 


| STILLDRESSED ALL IN RED, WITH ACCENTS OF WHITE, 

HE WAS COVERED WITH SOOT AND OUT LIKE A LIGHT. 
A BAGFULOF GOODIES LAY STREWN ON THE FLOOR, 
LABELED PRADA, ARMANI AND CHRISTIAN DIOR/ 


| MES z 


| HIS EYES WERE SO GLASSY, Y M 
i SO BRUISED WAS HIS HEAD, 
HER THOUGHT, WHILE NOT лоо, FA 


| 
| 90 SHE BREATHED IN HIS MOUTH, 


TO GET A REACTION, \ 
WS AND DIZ IN THE FORM OF 
A GIANT ERECTION. SP, A 


a — 9 EA Eos 
| [ WHO COULD BE CALLING AT SUCH A 
сє 


е : ed A STRANGE TIME? 
SUDDENLY, WARMTH PA RE pue T ee BATTBARTON'S vou 
CAME BACK TO 4 WOON THE LINE / 
HIS LIPS. [ P 8 a 
HIS HANDS STROKED | Р 
HER BREASTS AND 
CRADLED HER HIPS. 
HE NIBBLED HER 
NECK AND CARESSED 
HER FLAT BELLY. 
HER NERVES GOT ALL 
TINGLY, HER KNEES 
BM TURNED TO JELLY. 
А SHE WAS STARTING 
€ TO WAVER, SHE FELT 
A WARM PANG, 
BUT WAS SAVED BY 
THE BELL WHEN THE 
TELEPHONE RANG. SORRY, ANNIE, 
І DON'T KNOW 


4 SHE SPOKE NOT A WORD, ] THEN LAYING A FINGER ASIDE OF HIS NOSE 
HER HEAP STARTED To SWIM. AND GIVING A NOD, UP THE CHIMNEY HE Kt 
WHO HAD SHE BEEN KISSING? 
COULD IT REALLY BE HIM? | ‘ 
ا‎ 1] J ANNIE THOUGHT, HE WAS SEXY, Y 
+ f AND VIRILE, AND BOLD” Е 
A LN 2 BUT THE REAL SANTA CLAUS 


e ^ BRENZ NS ор! | 


E a7 а ET CHRI 
HIM EXCLAIM, UMS 
FLYING NORTH 
TOWARD NIAGARA, 


169 


Gore Vidal 


america’s eminent writer on corporate power, the 
decline of the kennedys and the erosion of rights 


A 1 73, Gore Vidal is an esteemed 
author and provocateur. vels 
include “Вит,” "Lincoln, ” “Em- 
pire," “Washington, D.C.," "Hollywood" 
and, most recently, "The Smithsonian In- 
stitution.” A collection of Vidal’s essays, 
“United States: 1952-1992,” won the Na- 
tional Book Award in 1993. A memoir, 
"Palimpsest," was published in 1995. His 
latest book, “The American Presidency,” ap- 
peared this fall. 

His grandfather was Thomas P. Gore, 
Oklahoma’; first U.S. senator; his distant 
cousin is Vice President Al Gore. Jacqueline 
Kennedy Onassis was his stepsister. 

Joseph Dumas coaxed Vidal to answer 
our questions from his villa on Italy's Amal- 
fi coast. Dumas reports: 

“He is everything attributed to him, and 


more. 


1 


PLAYBOY: Hillary Rodham Clinton visit- 
ed you in Italy. You discussed the failed 
attempt at creating a national health 
service. What happened? 

VIDAL: The health care proposals of the 
Clintons and the subsequent debacle 
show corporate America at its most 
vivid, protecting its turf and destroy- 
ing anyone who tries to discipline it. 
Of course it was a conspiracy, though 
Hillary's phrase, “right wing," hardly 
defines it. I said to Hillary, “If you had 
made the insurance companics public 
enemy number one, the advantage— 
and perhaps victory—would have been 
the public's." She said, "We tried to be 
fair to everyone.” Challenged by an 
attempt to bring the U.S. into the civi- 
lized world—all other first-world coun- 
tries have national health programs— 
the insurance and the pharmaceutical 
companies, together with some high- 
spirited members of the American 
Medical Association, vowed that the 
U.S. will never have such a service. 
Why? A third of the costs for most 
health care under the present system 
goes to insurance companies for filling 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GUIDO ARGENTINI 


out forms and filling up their bank ac- 
counts, with not a Band-Aid for us. 
Then, just to make sure no other politi- 
cian would try to give the American 
people anything for their tax moncy, 
they set out to destroy the Clintons 
personally with various lurid charges— 
necrophilia is in the wings—while tak- 
ing endless legal actions against them, 
to bankrupt everyone. Those involved 
have now got the message: This is 
America. No one challenges the rich 
and their corporations. The only pub- 
lic money that can be spent for the 
public is for military procurement— 
that’s how we've accumulated $5 tril- 
lion worth of debt. The Clintons were 
taught an expensive lesson about their 
humble place in society. Just another 
pair of lawyers in a government of law- 
yers for the benefit of lawyers. It is un- 
likely any president will ever again try 
to give the pcople anything for their 
tax money. Other than a war, of course. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Did you see Primary Colors 
and Wag the Dog? Were their releases 
serendipitous? 

vipat: Primary Colors—the film is as 
funny as you might expect Nichols and 
May to be. The plot was taken from my 
play and later film, The Best Man. I no- 
ticed this at the time of the book but 
said nothing. I am often ripped off 
and I suppose it is a compliment. Mr. 
Anonymous took my plot: Will can- 
didate use dirt on opponent and win 
or refuse and drop out? My character 
(Henry Fonda) did not. His (Travolta) 
did. Wag the Dog was farce—this is just 
guessing—when something a bit more 
realistic would have been a lot funnier 
and more harrowing. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Last spring, Senate GOP lead- 
ers were considering including tobac- 
co tax revenue in the Medicare Trust 


Fund. Is this plausible? 

vipat: Hardly. Helms, et al. need that 
tobacco money to pay for their elec- 
tions. The original Clinton proposal 
would have been sufficient to place us 
among civilized nations such as Cana- 
da, Germany and so on. Reflex from 
corporate America: They are all going 
bankrupt because of the frills. Bull- 
shit, of course. We rank something like 
20 or 21 in The Economist's quality-of- 
life survey. Denmark is number one. 
Everyone wants to come to America, 
howls corporate America, staring at the 
Rio Grande. No European does except 
to get cheap sex and drugs. We're a 
second-world nation as far as 80 per- 
cent of our people go. Twenty percent 
do wonderfully well, working for the 
one percent that owns most of the 
wealth, 


4 


PLAYBOY: Woodrow Wilson once said, 
“Secrets mean impropriety.” Do you 
agree? 

vipat: When anyone says to me, "Can 
you keep a secret?” | say, "Why should 
I, if you can't?" 


5 


PLAYBOY: You've said that Hillary Rod- 
ham Clinton would make a great presi- 
dent. Why? 

vipat: Energy. Knowledge of issues. 
And I favored her health care propos- 
al, the most important notion since 


FDR's Social Security Act of 1935. 
6 


PLAYBOY: Deborah Tannen laments that 
American society frames most public 
discourse in polarities. She writes: 
“Our spirits are corroded by living in 
an atmosphere of unrelenting con- 
tention—an argument culture. It rests 
on the assumption that opposition is 
the best way to get anything done: The 
best way to (continued on page 186) 


171 


172 


“This year I'm just giving everyone blubber!” 


USING THE. WEB 


MONEY MATTERS BY CHRISTOPHER BYRON 


O ne question I'm asked more than 
any other is: Can you really find 
all that stuff you write about just by 
searching the Web? To which I answer, 
yes, if you know where to look. 

If you looked at financial data on the 
Web, you could have seen that Livent, 
the Toronto-based producer of live 
theatrical entertainment, was riddled 
with accounting problems that would 
cause its stock to crash. In the summer 
of 1998 it did crash, falling by nearly 50 
percent in value on news that the com- 
pany's board had suspended Livent's 
co-founder and vice chairman, Garth 
Drabinsky. 

From Golden Books Family Enter- 
tainment to Planet Hollywood Interna- 
tional, from Sunbeam to Individual In- 
vestor—the list goes on. Each was 
an overpriced stock with question- 
able-looking financials that any- 
one with a home computer and a 
telephone line could have investi- 
gated for himself. So this month 
we'll take a canter across the vir- 
tual landscape of investment re- 
search on the Internet and look 
for the best (and worst) financial 
research sites. The Yahoo search 
engine alone lists more than 5000 
such sites. You can visit www.ed 
gar-online.com, which provides a 
list of what it regards as the best 
sites. Or consider www.dowjones. 
com, which provides a directory 
that ranks hundreds of different 
sites by content, speed, navigation 
and design. 

If you spend time on the Web 
you'll notice that nearly every fi- 
nancial-research site offers the same 
type of information—usually from the 
same suppliers. This leads us to By- 
ron's first rule of Internet financial re- 
search: Morc than 90 percent of what's 
out there is plainly repetitive. Once 
you've found a decent—and compre- 
hensive—site that's easy to navigate, 
stop looking for others because you'll 
be wasting your time. For example, the 
best known of the online brokerage 
firms—E-Trade Group (www.etrade 
com)—entices Web surfers to sign up 
as clients by offering real-time quotes 
of stocks on the major exchanges, news 
from Reuters and the PR Newswire, as 
well as research information on indi- 
vidual companies. All this for free. 

Yet virtually all this info is also avail- 
able free from other Web sites. Much of 
the Baseline Financial Services data on 
companies actually comes from Hoo- 
ver's Company Information. Hoover's 


supplies the same data to numerous 
investment Web sites, which make it 
available for free to anyone. You can 
find Hoover's data on CNN's Web site 
(www.cnnfn.com), at Wit Capital’s Web 
site (www.witcapital.com) and plenty of 
other places. You can find Reuters 
newswire reports, keyed to industries 
and individual companies alike, at 
www.quote.com for a fee and at www. 
quicken.com for free. You can find free 
real-time stock quotes at Thomson Fi- 
nancial Services’ Web site (www.rtq. 
thomsoninvest.net). 

From my own searches on the Web, I 
recommend a site called Daily Stocks 
(www.dailystocks.com) as one-stop 
shopping. There are other sites that at- 
tempt the same thing, such as Tele- 


scan's www.wallstreetcity.com. But Dai- 
ly Stocks is in a class by itself. It doesn't 
have any fancied-up investment tools, 
just an exhaustive list of hot links to 
useful information on hundreds of dif- 
ferent investment sites. For example, 
plenty of sites—but not all—carry daily 
information on the stocks that gained 
and lost the most on the New York 
Stock Exchange, the American Stock 
Exchange and Nasdaq. On the Daily 
Stocks home page there's a hot link to 
such a list maintained and updated 
daily, free of charge, by Data Broad- 
casting. Daily Stocks is a research index 
that weeds out the repetition. Which 
brings up Byron's second rule of In- 
ternet investment research: Once you 
eliminate redundancy, a lot of what's 
left is just plain wrong. An excellent site 
for an investor willing to do his own re- 
search is the Microsoft Investor site 
(www.investor.msn.com)—not least be- 


ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN MATJE 


cause of the sophisticated research 
tools available to subscribers for only 
$9.95 per month. These tools—which 
in the main are extremely easy to use— 
have been designed to be used with the 
research data available on the site. Un- 
fortunately, an unsettling amount of 
the data on other sites is either tardy in 
being posted or just wrong. Most such 
problems arise because the sites use 
outside suppliers—so-called financial 
data vendors—to extract information 
from financial filings with the SEC. 
Then the vendors repackage the data 
into templates for subscribers. But not 
every company treats all accounting is- 
sues the same way. A depreciation item 
to one company may be an expense 
item to another. To make the data from 
thousands of companies fit neatly 
into templates, the data vendors 
routinely make lots of judgment 
calls about where a particular ac- 
counting item should be placed. 
My solution to that problem is to 
use the previously mentioned Web 
sites to zero in on a small number 
of stocks I want to look into—two 
or three is more than ample—then 
visit Free Edgar at www.freeed 
garcom. This marvelous site pro- 
vides up-to-the-minute data from 
almost every financial report filed 
with the SEC by virtually every 
publicly traded company in Amer- 
ica. The SEC data are the basic 
building blocks of every financial 
report on the Web. Free Edgar lets 
you access the data in their orig- 
inal forms, exactly as filed with 
the SEC. The best feature of Free 
Edgar is a software button that allows 
you to download a table from a filing 
directly to an Excel spreadsheet. That 
means your computer can automatical- 
ly compare the spreadsheet data with 
those of any company report you've 
downloaded from almost any other 
Web site. 

Of course, you can avoid all this by 
simply putting your money in some 
mutual fund and letting the fund's 
managers do your research for you. 
But wait! How do you know which 
fund to invest in—and which fund 
managers will do the best and worst 
jobs with your money? Well, there are 
hundreds of sites to answer those ques- 
tions, too. When it comes to investment 
research on the Web, there's just no 
end to it. 


You can reach Christopher Byron by 
e-mail at cbscoop@aol.com. 


173 


174 


FIRE & ICE 


the gold medal skater goes from 5.9 to a perfect 10 


"At first | had the typical ice princess image,” says Katarina Witt, who was clearly thawing by the time she 
skated her way ta Olympic gold in 1988. Naw, she's ready ta take a blawtarch to any remaining icicles. 


by KATARINA WITT 


ven before this, our pictures of her have been vivid. First, 

there was the marvelously graceful teenager gliding 

across the ice, and winning the gold, at 1984's Winter 
Olympics in Sarajevo. Four years later, she did it again in Calgary. 
In 1994, she reclaimed her amateur status, defied the naysayers and 
finished seventh with a routine, set to “Where Have All the Flowers 
Gone,” that mourned the destruction of the city where she'd compet- 
ed a decade earlier. She won four world championships and an Em- 
my for the 1990 HBO special “Carmen on Ice.” She received thou- 
sands of fan letters and marriage proposals before her 19th birthday; 
she turned down overtures from Eileen Ford, who saw in her a po- 
tential supermodel. “Sports Illustrated” once called her performance 
“the perfect blend of art and athletics, pirouettes and panache.” She 
was so frequently dubbed the sexiest woman on skates that she could 
have retired the title. Now, at the age of 33 and with an appearance 
on “Arliss” and a role in the movie “Ronin” under her belt, Witt 


stands to add sexiest woman off skates to her list of honors. 


When people ask me why I decided to pose for these 
photos, I sometimes kid around with them and say, “Be- 
cause my boyfriend wanted erotic pictures.” But that’s just a 
joke. Basically, I have a very comfortable feeling about my 
body. We're much more open about nudity in Europe any- 
way, and in East Germany, where I grew up, there were 
nude beaches. I used to go to them—until, of course, people 
started to recognize me. They would see me on the beach, 
look at me and say, “Nice to meet you," but they wouldn't be 
looking at my face. 

I've never done things the typical way, in my life or in my 
career. When I was an amateur, there was a ime when my 
costumes started to be very controversial: People said the 
costumes were too sexy, too low-cut. But I think my cos- 


tumes always supported my program, and helped bring out 
the purpose of the music, the choreography in the program. 
1 hope I brought more passion to ice skating than most 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY LANCE STAEDLER 


skaters, and maybe more sensuality as well. 

I'm sure that some of my skating audience, when they 
hear I've taken off my clothes for PLavBoy, will be shocked. 
They may be uncomfortable with it, or they might ask, 


“Why?” I don't know what to say, except that I was ready to 
do this. But I also think that once people see the photos, 
they'll feel differently. The pictures are beautiful and pure 


HAIR AND MAKEUP BY ULLI SCHOBER FOR CELESTINE, LA 
STYLING BY LEE MOORE FOR VISAGES 


and natural. They're nude, but they still have a feeling of in- 
nocence. They re set in nature, in Hawaii, so it’s appropriate 
that I'm naked, and I felt very relaxed. Every morning, for 
the three days we shot them, I would go see the stylist and 
ask, "What will I wear today?" And, of course, he'd say, 
“Nothing.” That was our joke. 


People always used to write about how I loved to flirt, and 


I still do. Who doesn't? 
I've been thinking a lot 
about love and sex late- 
ly, especially after read- 
ing a controversial book 
about the writer Bertolt 
Brecht and his relation- 
ships with women. The 
author of the book, Sa- 
bine Kebir, advances a 
breathtaking thesis: For 
Brecht, sex wasn't just 
an end in itself or even 
the high spot of a rela- 
tionship, but rather the 
beginning of a love af- 
fair. I like the idea that 
the bed is only a stop- 
over on a journey to- 
ward love. Of course, 
this means that for 
centuries some couples 
have wondered why the 
symphony of love only 
burbles along, without 
highlights, without cre- 
scendos. It's no wonder 
if the accompanying 
music—sex—is made 
the central movement 
There are times when 
the closeness, the phys- 
ical attraction, brings 
men and women to- 
gether. And, of course, 
the feeling of losing 
oneself in somebody's 
arms—yet at the same 
time finding oneself 
there—is irreplaceable 
Nothing compares to 
the intensity of that 
feeling. 

I said some of these 
same things when I 
wrote about the book in 
a German newspaper 
last year, and the article 
got a big reaction in my 
country. I suppose that 
now I'll get another big 
reaction all around the 
world, which is fine. I'm 
proud of these photos, 
but when I start to talk 
about them I sometimes 
have to laugh and ask, 
“Who cares what I think 
about them? It’s time to 
sce what other people 
think.” 


І n. b 


qu | 
^ 


j -— дь n t (P 
— ك‎ A N - ч ‚+ n vM s 


184 


ometimes you know you're 

stone-cold in love. Other times 

you know you have to cut your 

losses, collect your toothbrush 
and head home. But what if you're not 
sure? Let this PLAYBOY quiz determine 
whether your girlfriend still lights your 
fire or if the relationship has run its 
course. 


EH You've made dinner plans with 
her, but an hour before your date, a 
friend calls with Beastie Boys tickets. 
What do you do? 

(a) Keep the dinner date. 

(b) Leave a message on her answer- 
ing machine, canceling dinner. 


eAre You 


By 
Gavin Edwards 


ired of Your 


ES Sirlfriend? 


save time, save money, save on shrink bills—take our quiz 


She likes to play James Taylor re- 
ally loud at home. How do you cope? 

(a) That's fine, you play Guns n' Ros- 
es at your place. 

(b) Hide her compact discs behind 
the microwave. 

(c) Turn down the volume a bit. 

(d) Put her compact discs in the 
microwave. 


ЕЙ How many times have you cheated 
on her? 

(a) Once, but you regretted it. 

(b) Never—but you plan to rectify 
that situation soon. 

(c) Never—why screw up a good 
thing? 

(d) Whenever she’s not around. 


She wants to go see The English Pa- 
tient II, but the remastered The Wild 
Bunch is opening the same weekend. 
What's the plan at the multiplex? 

(a) Two tickets for the chick flick. 

(b) One ticket for each; you can meet 
afterward. 

(c) Flip a coin. 

(d) You're watching The Wild Bunch— 


she can do whatever she wants. 


[Bf Whom do you fantasize about dur- 
ing sex? 

(a) Sometimes Uma Thurman, some- 
times nobody. 

(b) Anybody from Miss September 
to the coat-check girl, just so long as 
you don't have to think about your 
girlfriend. 

(c) Nobody—it distracts you from the 
moment. 


(d) Your girlfriend's mother. 


You have an anniversary coming 
up. What are your thoughts? 

(a) I should make a reservation at a 
nice restaurant. 

(b) I probably shouldn't break up 
with her until after the anniversary. 

(©) I remember our first kiss 

(d) What's the cheapest gift I can get 
away with? 


E How often do you have an argu- 
ment with her? 

(a) Every three weeks. 

(b) Three times a week. 

(©) Every three months. 

(d) Like MTV's broadcast schedule: 
24 hours a day, every day. 


(c) Go to the concert 

only if you can get in 

touch with her first. 
(d) Tell her you have 

to cancel dinner, then 

ask if you can stop by 

after the show for sex. 


Е How many times 
have you heard her fa- 
vorite joke? 

(a) A few. 

(b) Enough that you 
change the subject as 
soon as she starts tell- 
ing it. 

(c Who cares? It’s 
funny every time. 

(d) You would rath- 
er gouge your eyeballs 
out with a rusty but- 
ter knife than listen to 


EN you're invited to 
an orgy in a hotel room 
by Elle Macpherson, 
Scary Spice and Pame- 
la Anderson. What do 
you do? 

(a) Regretfully de- 
cline the offer. 

(b) Join them, but 
only for an hour so 
your girlfriend won't 
become suspicious. 

(c) Ask if you can 
take Polaroids instead 
of participating. 

(d) Grab a taxi and 
leave your cell phone 
at home. 


П That funny noise 
she makes when she 


it again. 


laughs—how do you 


feel about it? 

(a) Irs certainly an en- 
dearing quirk. 

(b) OK most of the time. 

(c) It's no worse than your 
snoring. 

(d) When the two of you 
go to a Jim Carrey movie, 
you want to sit seven rows 
away from her 


П She has scheduled din- 
ner with her parents the 
night you get back from an 
international business trip. 
What do you do? 

(a) Pick up a bottle of 
duty-free schnapps for them 
at the airport. 

(b) Take a quick shower 
and try not to yawn when 
her dad tells jokes. 


El] If you won the lottery, 
would you stay with her? 

(a) Yes—and you'd buy 
her a Porsche. 

(b) Yes—unless she start- 
ed hitting you up for loans. 

(c) Yes—especially be- 
cause she cared about you 
before the money. 

(d) Not so long as there 
are young, impressionable 
catwalk models in the world. 


SCORING: 

For questions 1 through 
8, score 3 points each ime 
you answered (a) or (c), and 
8 points each time you an- 
swered (b) or (d). For ques- 
tions 10 through 20, score 
1 point each time you an- 
| swered (a), 5 points each 


(c) Tell her to reschedule 
the dinner so that you won't be jet- 
lagged when you want to make a good 
impression. 

(d) Call her from the airport and tell 
her your plane was rerouted to Kan- 
sas City. 


[E She asks you to marry her. Do you: 

(a) Say no, but tell her perhaps 
someday. 

(b) Need a week to think it over. 

(©) Break up with her: She has a to- 
tally different idea of this relationship 
than you do. 

(d) Say yes and make her an im- 
promptu ring out of a twist tie. 


[E] You're in jail. Who do you make 
your phone call to? 

(a) Her. 

(b) Your best friend 

(c) Your lawyer. 

(d) Anyone but her. 


[El You have tickets to see your fa- 
vorite team play in game two of the 
NBA finals on the same day that her 
college roommate is getting married. 
What do you do? 

(a) Give the tickets to a friend. 

(b) Go to the game 

(с) Go to the game, but send a really 
nice gift to the newlyweds. 

(d) Feign illness the day of the wed- 
ding and go to the game once she's out 
of the house. 


The new secretary at work has an 
awesome rack, and she's been flirting 
with you. You: 

(a) Politely fend her off. 

(b) See if your girlfriend has any in- 
terest in a ménage à trois. 

(c) Flirt back, but don't take it any 
further. 

(d) Lock the two of you in a supply 
closet during lunch. 


[E She always forgets her wallet when 
you go out on dates. How do you han- 
dle it? 

(a) No problem—it's your pleasure 
to treat. 

(b) Grin and bear it. 

(©) Discuss the issue with her. 

(d) Make lots of long-distance calls 
when you're at her house. 


Do you pick her up at the airport? 

(a) Always. 

(b) When it's raining. 

(c) When you are able to get away 
from work. 

(d) Never—if you do it once, she'll 
expect it every time. 


[El She falls off a stepladder and 
twists her ankle. What do you do? 

(a) Drive her to the emergency room 
right away. 

(b) Have her elevate her foot and 
give her the TV's remote control. 

(c) Give her some ice 


time you answered (b) or (c), 
and 10 points each time you answered 
(4). For question 9, if you answered 
anything except (d), subtract 10 points 
from your score and slap yourself until 
you come to your senses. 

25 to 75 points: 

Not only are you not tired of your 
girlfriend, you're smitten with her. En- 
joy it while it lasts! If you've been see- 
ing her for more than a year, consider 
the possibility that this girl is the one. 

76 to 125 points: 

Welcome to real life. You can't be in- 
fatuated with someone forever. But as 
you know, even after a relationship's 
glow fades, there can be a lot of good 
reasons to stick around and make 
things work. 

126 to 174 points: 

You are not just tired of your girl- 
friend, you're exhausted. This isn't do- 
ing you any good, and it probably isn't 
doing her any good either. It's time to 
plot the great escape. 


and a couple of aspirin. 
(d) Tell her to stop the 
whining and walk it off. 


[E] You're in the shower 
when the phone rings. 
On the answering ma- 
chine, you can hear it’s 
your girlfriend. What 
do you do? 

(a) Grab a towel and 
hustle for the phone. 

(b) Call her back when 
you've finished rinsing. 

(©) Listen to see if it 
sounds like it's really an 
emergency. 

(d) Finish the shower 
and watch some televi- 
sion; if it's important, 
she'll call back. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVE BRODNER 


185 


PLAYBOY 


186 


Gore Vidal «ust from page 171) 


The Mob kills the person they think responsible for 
hassling them. It was Bobby they were after. 


discuss an idea is to set up a debate; the 
best way to cover news is to find spokes- 
people who express the most extreme, 
polarized views and present them as 
both sides. Nearly everything is framed 
as a battle or game in which winning or 
losing is the main concern.” Is that an 
exaggeration? 

vipat: The adversarial mode is implic- 
it in our laws from at least the Magna 
Carta on. It is an absurd legal system, 
with pretrial depositions that can range 
throughout the antagonists’ entire lives 
with the fetish perjury—a matter of little 
or no importance in other systems—be- 
ing a major weapon to destroy one or 
the other litigant. The American passion 
for adversary justice is at its worst in the 
metaphoric wars we wage against drugs 


and terrorism. Unfortunately it is rooted 
in our Constitution and was first brought 
into the dreadful light of day by Abra- 
ham Lincoln. He knew he had no legal 
power to free the slaves in the South, or 
anywhere else. He also had no particular 
wish to do so. He was interested in only 
one thing, preserving the Union and 
getting the seceded states back even ifhe 
had to kill every Southerner to do so. In 
this he was entering an uncharted wil- 
derness. A good case can be made that 
any state has the right to go of its own 
free will, just as it freely joined the 
Union in the first place. This was what 
the Weaver family felt when they wanted 
to get away from a government they 
found hateful. They settled in the wil- 
derness at Ruby Ridge, where the feds fi- 


“I think you'll find that being the 
Sultan’s favorite is one of those government jobs that’s 
subject to term limits.” 


nally murdered a couple of them for 
daring to turn their backs on the land of 
the unfree. Lincoln was ingenious—a 
good lawyer, too. Because he couldn't 
quote the nation’s scripture, the Consti- 
tution, to the effect that no state could 
ever leave the Union, he pounced on 
two concepts. First, his oath to preserve, 
protect and defend the Constitution. De- 
fend meant with arms, if necessary. But 
there wasn't much else to go on when 
faced with secession, other than a presi- 
dential power in case of invasion or re- 
bellion to fight by every means out of 
“military necessity.” That phrase was the 
basis for the Civil War, in which over 
600,000 young men were slaughtered. It 
was also, to be fair, the phrase used to 
free the slaves. So that is the background 
to Tannen’s book. Ever since, in the 
name of a war of some sort, military ne- 
cessity can be invoked and all the lit- 
tle children obliged to wear uniforms— 
tasteful brown, I suspect—and take Rit- 
alin if they show signs of intelligence. 


7 


PLAYBOY: In New York City, the police 
department has come under fire for 
its methods in the war on drugs, espe- 
cially unlawful searches. Does this con- 
cern you? 

vipat: Certainly the police are running 
amok, and with the bland approval of 
the country's ownership, who have cre- 
ated two imaginary wars: one on terror- 
ism, provoked by us internally, as at Ru- 
by Ridge and Waco, and externally, as 
in Guatemala, Iran and Palestine. Natu- 
rally, the victims will try to blow up the 
odd building. The other war, the one 
against drugs, is a means to scrap the 
Fourth, Fifth and Fourteenth Amend- 
ments, which forbid unlawful searches 
and seizures without due process of law. 
Drugs should of course be legalized, but 
our government truly frets about our 
health and, though it will not give us 
health service or an educational system, 
nor maintain the Bill of Rights, it does 
want to preserve our health by putting 
as many millions of Americans as possi- 
ble in prison or under surveillance. The 
police state is here. And the people are 
too cowed and misinformed to take back 
their rights. 


8 


PLAYBOY: What caused the dissolution of 
the younger Kennedy generation? Trag- 
edy, or natural progression from lack of 
responsibility and privilege? 

vipa: Children and grandchildren of 
men of power seldom pan out. They ve 
seen up close the corruption of the sys- 
tem. Eleanor Roosevelt once said to me. 
“The Kennedys are so lucky that their 
children will sull be so young when they 
leave the White House, as it is not the 
right sort of place to grow up in, with so 
much temptation." 


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PLAYBOY 


9 


PLAYBOY: In a 1996 radio interview with 
Jerry Brown, the two of you spoke ofthe 
relationship between Frank Costello and 
Honey Fitz, and, later, Frank Costello 
and Joe Kennedy. What was the nature 
of those relationships? 

vipat: Honey Fitz, as mayor of Boston, 
was in on bootleg whiskey from Canada, 
the numbers racket, prostitution, Mob 
stuff—so much so, the Mob sent him the 
young Frank Costello from New York. 
Later, when His Honor got himself elect- 
ed to Congress to show daughter Rose 
the quality folk of D.C., a House com- 
mittee gathered a several-thousand- 
page dossier on him and he resigned. 
Costello went to work for Fitz’ son-in- 
law, Joe. During Jack’s presidency, the 
two old hoods used to have dinner once 
a week with an old Teamster who gave 
them massages—this was on Central 
Park South. Within the family, it was al- 
ways thought that Joc’s stroke, short- 
ly before Jack's murder, prevented Joe 
from stopping the Mob, through Costel- 
lo, from killing Jack as revenge for Bob- 
by’s theatrics as the attorney general 
going after organized crime. The Mob 
had done so much through Sam Gian- 
cana to get Jack elected. 


10 К 


PLAYBOY: Does the Ме s anger at the 
Kennedys still exist? 
vipat: The Mob is not mystical like the 
Kennedys, who hate whole families into 
the 30th generation. The Mob kills the 
person they think responsible for has- 
sling them. It was Bobby they were after. 
As Marcello of the New Orleans Mob is 
reported to have said, “If a dog bothers 
you, you don't cut off his tail.” 


11 


PLAYBOY: To you, the presidencies of 
Abraham Lincoln and Harry Truman 
were pivotal. Why? 

VIDAL: Lincoln, like Bismarck at the same 
time in Germany, took a loosely federat- 
ed nation with nothing much in com- 
mon but a language and made a cen- 
tralized (eventually militarized) federal 
state. Truman replaced the republic that 
Lincoln had thoughtfully left in place 
with a national security state, a milita 
rized economy with bases on every conti- 
nent. And he allowed our civil liberties to 
fade away. The first warning was when 
he required all government workers— 
several million people from Post Office 
workers up to Cabinet members—to 
swear loyalty oaths to the republic that 
was no more. Pure Stalin. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Bill Clinton has established the 
blow job as the Oval Office sex act of 
choice. What will be the other legacies of 
the Clinton presidency? 

vipat: History won't pay much attention 
to Clinton other than to record—if the 
histories are not written in the board- 
rooms of the corporations which govern 
all our lives—that the presidency is, at 
home, an ornamental office. Only in for- 
eign affairs can a president occasionally 
cause a mild disturbance. 


13 


PLAYBOY: A few years back, you narrated 
three 30-minute specials on the Ameri- 
can presidency for London's Channel 4. 
Subsequently, U.S. rights to the series 
were purchased by the History Chan- 
nel. Unlike the UK broadcasts, the U.S. 
broadcast contained a panel—which ex- 


WE Burn fl 


“Did you really think I climbed over snowy rooftops and down 
a filthy chimney just to fill your stocking . . . ?" 


cluded you—to provide balance for your 
commentary. Why? 

vipat: They hated the program. The 
History Channel was horrified by my 
frank discussion of how we obtained a 
global empire, because we are taught we 
don’t go in for that sort of thing. News- 
reels of Marines in Shanghai, on the 
Great Wall of Cl i—in the interest of 
Standard Oil, I believe—blew empty 
minds. Everything court historians make 
certain we will never learn about in 
school was there on the screen, includ- 
ing Marine General Smedley Butler ad- 
ing that his role as head of the Ma- 
rine Corps was as an enforcer for the 
empire. “Al Capone had only three dis- 
tricts,” he said. “1 had three continents.” 
The History Channel is owned by, 
among others, General Electric, which 
used to provide us with expensive impe- 
rial weaponry as well as with Russians- 
are-coming propaganda from an actor 
whom they later, gratefully, retired to 
the White House. 


14 


PLAYBOY: According to The Washington 
Post, CIA Director George Tenet said the 
national intelligence budget this year to- 
tals $26.7 billion. Does that number sur- 
prise you? 

vipat: Who will ever know the budget? 
The CIA, usually wrong on everything— 
most recently the nuclear explosions in 
Asia—should be dissolved. Intelligent 
countries use their state departments to 
find out what's going on politically in 
possibly rival lands and their defense de- 
partments to discover what other people 
are up to in the way of armaments and 
military mischief. The CIA was founded 
as an instrument to control our Euro- 
pean allies, not to protect them against 
the Soviets. The first CIA caper was in 
April 1948, when they spent a fortune to 
keep the Communist Party in Italy from 
coming to power. Wherever democra- 
cy looks to be stirring they are there to 
kill it, as I saw firsthand in Guatemala 
and wrote about in my book Dark Green, 
Bright Red. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Does George Plimpton's oral 
history Truman Capote untangle the com- 
plicated Capote persona? 

vipat: George finds Truman, the path- 
ological liar, amusing. I found him re- 
pellent. Joyce Susskind once said Tru- 
man had caused more divorces than any 
other professional correspondent in 
New York. 


16 


PLAYBOY: The notion of campaign fi- 
nance reform. What happened? 

vivat: Nothing happened and, proba- 
bly, nothing will. No burglar, once he has 
got to the second floor, ever kicks away 
his ladder. Under the present system 


everyone who matters benefits, except 
the American people. Wealthy corpora- 
tions elect their lawyers to high offices 
while the media, specifically TV, make 
hundreds of millions of dollars selling 
time for ads. An act of Congress could 
limit elections to eight weeks and for 
bid anyone to buy time on TV and ra- 
dio where free time 
would be given na- 
tionally for nation- 
al candidates (presi- 
dents, that is) and 
locally for local can- 
didates. This is what 
civilized nations do, 
but God forbid we 
join their ranks. 


17. 


PLAYBOY: In 1963 
Senator Mike Man 
field was to have de- 
livered a speech ıhe 
day JFK was killed 
Grief-stricken, he 
canceled. This past 
spring, Mansfield, 
now 95, was invited 
to address the Sen- 
ate leadership in the 
Old Senate Cham- 
ber in the U.S. Cap- 
itol. He chose to 
dust off the 1963 ad- 
dress. In essence, 
his themes called 
for a kinder Senate, 
one of democratic 
debates (as opposed 
to monologs in an 
empty chamber) 
and leadership, es- 
pecially at times of 
social change. Is this 
fantasy? 

VIDAL: Fantasy now. 
How many senators 
can give an extem- 
pore speech? In my 
grandfather's time 
they knew a great 
deal of history— 
Latin and Greek, 
as well. They took 
themselves serious: 
ly as tribunes of the 
people, as voices for 
the unseen and un- 
heard. Of course, 
there were crooks 
then, too, but they 
at lcast had a Dickensian sense of the- 
ater. They dressed up and spoke up. The 
Senate was the best show in town. Now, 
displaced anchorpersons who never 
made it to prime time toss their air- 
blown locks or, more sinister, their bouf- 
fant wigs to the breeze from the air-con- 
ditioning that keeps the television lights 


from overheating their thin blood. It's 
to меер. 


18 


PLAYBOY: Do you believe Social Security 
is safe? If not, what do you recommend 
to fix it? 


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vipat: The talk that it will be bankrupt— 
pick any year within the next ten—is 
wishful thinking based on greed. Mutual 
funds, brokers, bankers, etc. are desper- 
ate to get their hands on the fund. ‘To 


privatize, which means, in this case, to 


rob. Contrary to the misinformation, it is 


a mildly profitable trust fund. Contrary 
to the federal deceit, Social Security's in- 
come and outgo are not part of the fed. 
eral government's revenues or disburse- 
ments. But they are always counted as 
such. Why? Because including Social Se- 
curity funds and disbursements makes 
the 90 percent that was once spent on 
war seem smaller 
than it actually is. 
This is a nice trick. 
Of course, to be 
blunt, the govern- 
ment has already 
stolen all the money 
in Social Security 
for Star Wars, etc. 
and replaced it with 
10Us called Trea- 
sury bonds. I sup- 
pose one day these 
will have a curios- 
ity value, like the 
notes of the old 
Confederacy. 


19 


PLAYBOY: What ad- 
vice do you have for 
Al Gore? 

мра: 1 would ad- 
vise him to ask him- 
self why on earth he 
should be president, 
for he has no plans 
other than a vag 
commitment to the 
environment, which 
everyone has, in- 
cluding the pollut- 
ers who pay for him 
and the others. Alas, 
his response to Why 
him? would be Why 
them? No one who 
can be elected presi- 
dent—who is able to 
raise $100 million— 
will be of the slight- 
est use to the coun. 
try. They are paid to 
work for the good of 
corporate America. 
Only systemic re- 
form—eight-week 
elections, free time 
on TV, as civilized 
countries have—can 
restore representa- 
tive government 


20 


PLAYBOY: Does the 
purchase of Ran- 
dom House by the German conglom- 
erate Bertelsmann bode well? 

vipat: Nothing can be worse than the 
way Random House has been run for 
the last decade. So let’s try the Germans 
Famous last words, no doubt 


189 


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192 


WORKOUT 


(continued from page 104) 
and the Seattle Mariners’ power-hitting 
shortstop Alex Rodriguez 

Your goal may be as simple as a certain 
number of repetitions or making fewer 
unforced errors than in the last racquet- 
ball match. But Grover promises your 
training results will zoom if you set a def- 
ite target. 

SMART THINKING 1: Current exer- 
cise research shows that the brain is a 
terrible thing to waste during a workout. 
Athletes who think about the muscles 
being worked develop their physiques 
faster, stronger and bigger than control 
groups who let their minds wander. 

Grover admits it can be difficult— 
maybe even boring—to think about your 
muscles constantly during workouts. He 
recommends that you consider the mus- 
cles with each new lift or stretch and re- 
mind yourself every few minutes. Make 
a commitment to concentrate on mus- 
cles worked during at least one session 


Weight machines are good 
for beginners and for top athletes get- 
ting into peak shape,” says Grover. “Ma- 
chines can help strengthen injured ar- 
eas, such as a cranky lower back, without 
risk. But I suggest that everyone use free 
weights whenever possible.” 

Free weights work more muscles, es- 
pecially stabilizer muscles that you use 
every day, whether you're moving furni- 
ture or negotiating moguls on a double- 
diamond run. 

“Weight machines isolate muscles,” 
says Grover. “You can throw your body 
out of alignment with too much work on 


certain muscles in the upper body or 
legs. Free weights minimize that risk 
and encourage good posture and better 
balance.” 

IT AIN'T ABOUT HEAVY: Grover 
says that only competition bodybuilders 
should lift heavy weights. The rest of 
us would do ourselves a favor by cut- 
ting our current weight amounts in half, 
then doing more repetitions with prop- 
er form. 

Once you master technique, set goals 
to lift a certain number of reps in an 
appointed amount of time rather than 
increasing the weight. After you reach 
the time goals, then increase the weight. 
This plan encourages quickness and 
body control. 

SURPRISE YOURSELF: Muscles are 
highly proficient at adapting to physical 
demands. That’s why many fitness en- 
thusiasts hit a plateau in cardiovascular 
conditioning or strength. 

Grover says to keep your body guess- 
ing. Change your routine every month. 
If you usually run first, and then lift 
weights, switch it around. Do lower-body 
work first, then the upper body. Change 
hand positions on your lifts. Try a new 
exercise class. Play a different sport. 

Rather than ride the same bike at the 
health club, use another model. Better 
yet, try another piece of equipment. Use 
the random setting frequently, because 
that adds an element of physiological 
surprise. 

SMART THINKING 2: “Nobody 
works out for three hours,” says Grover. 
“There's usually a lot of socializing in- 
volved.” Rather than waste the time, ex- 
ercise intelligently. Forget the small talk 
and dedicate your time to moving. Don't 


“Sorry, Rudolph. I can’t let you join in any reindeer games. 
You ve tested positive for steroids.” 


wait for a machine, use another one. See 
how far you can go on a bike in ten min- 
utes, then hop on a rower for another 
ten. Grover suggests half an hour in the 
cardio room. Use three different ma- 
chines at matching intensity and don’ 
take a break. If the weight room 
packed, do some floor work—abdon 
nal crunches, push-ups, single-leg hops, 
jumping jacks, pull-ups or chin-ups 

CHANGE OF PACE: One of Grover's 
secrets is interval training. Devote one 
workout each week to short-track work, 
doing those wind sprints you hated back 
in high school. Also sprint through your 
weight routine—while maintaining per- 
fect form—for tremendous results in 
performance. 

"The key lies in pushing yourself far 
enough to exhaust muscles while main- 
taining correct technique. Rest long 
enough between exercises to stay in 
form, but continue to challenge yourself. 

TOP THREE MISTAKES AT THE 
HEALTH CLUB: 

(1) Not taking a full stride on stair 
climbers because you want to go faster, 
or leaning on railings. 

(2) Going too heavy on weights, espe- 
cially in the early weeks of a program 
(men). Lifting too light, particularly af- 
ter you gain experience (women). 

(3) Doing abdominal crunches im- 
properly. You should be able to do only 
20 to 30; if you are doing 100 or even 50, 
you're not doing them effectively. 

A quick lesson from Grover: Come up 
high enough to lift your shoulder blades 
completely off the floor, then back down 
until they barely touch. You want to fecl 
the contraction in the entire ab wall, 
moving from top to bottom. Think about 
your abs as you do the crunches. Keep 
your elbows out and follow three stages 
with your hands, going to the next level 
of difficulty when you have mastered 
each: hands out at sides; hands crossed 
in front of you: hands behind your head 
but not clasped nor pulling on your 
head and neck. Rather than doing more 
reps, increase resistance with light dumb- 
bells or weight discs held in the hands. 

PROBABLY THE BIGGEST MIS- 
‘TAKE: “People finish working out and 
then order pizza and becr or a Cobb sal- 
ad and a ma at the club restaurant," 
says Grover. "I've seen people doing the 
same thing for years. They think they've 
earned it, but it cancels out what they 
just accomplished." 

Grover doesn't begrudge you an oc- 
casional foodfest—just don't make it a 
habit. Instead, he recommends sports 
drinks, protein shakes, energy bars or 
fruit after a workout. Wait at least an 
hour before eating a meal—this lets your 
brain reset its hunger gauge—and then 
favor low-fat carbs and protein to satisfy 
cravings from the recently fired muscle 


fibers. 
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SECRETS WE KEEP 
(continued from page 102) 
the room]: “Do you think she's attractive?” 

HE: “She doesn't even exist for me.” 
(Translation: And I only wish to God 
she did.) 

There isclearly no need for confession 
and full disclosure if whatever you're be- 
ing accused of took place out of sight— 
and out of town. 

But what happens when there is the 
equivalent of DNA evidence of your 
reckless behavior—when you've been 
caught with your hand in the sexual 
cookie jar? Even here, you might want to 
think twice about confessing. 

A stockbroker friend has an odd mar- 
riage. He lives and works in Boston, his 
wife is in Los Angeles. Each year she vis- 
its him for two weeks, bringing along the 
children, then returns to the West Coast. 
When I asked him about the unusu- 
al arrangement, he said she had once 
caught him in bed with his assistant and 
has been punishing him for 20 years. 
And they're still together. I suggested 
that in some corridor of himself, he 
wanted to be caught, had arranged to 
be caught. No one who doesn’t want to 
be caught has to be caught. This insight 
did not particularly impress him, though 
he didn’t deny it. His mistake was that, 
when caught in the act, he did not im- 
mediately invoke what has come to be 
known as the Richard Pryor defense: 
“Who are you going to believe? Me? Or 
your own lying eyes?” 

When attempting to make a case for 
secrets in love and marriage, it has to be 
pointed out that there can never be any 
real secrets between two intelligent, car- 


ing, well-matched and well-attuned lov- 
ers. The slightest shift of a glance, an al- 
teration in speech pattern, a change of 
any kind, including body temperature, is 
enough to throw up a flag. 

Yet another friend of mine was insane- 
ly in love with his wile and would not, on 
threat of death or dismemberment, have 
caused her a second’s worth of pain or 
discomfort. But one night, during an 
out-of-town trip, he had a drink with 
a colleague and found himself unfath- 
omably drawn to her to the point that he 
felt he was in danger of falling madly in 
love. Nothing came of it. He took her to 
her hotel room and kissed her good- 
night—then returned to his own quar- 
ters, unable to stop thinking about her 
and racked with both guilt and desire. 
Still, he made a heroic effort to put this 
woman out of his mind—and he thought 
he had succeeded. 

When he returned home the following 
day, prepared to be greeted by his wife 
with warmth and enthusiasm, he felt he 
was the picture of innocence. 

Yet the moment he walked in, his wife 
fell upon him, beating his chest in a pan- 
ic and saying, “What happened? Some- 
thing happened. For God's sake, tell me 
what it was.” 

“Nothing happened,” he said. “Ab- 
solutely nothing happened.” 

But he saw that his denial was not go- 
ing to fly, so he told her about his brief 
and relatively innocent encounter. 

“But how did you know?” he asked 
when they both had calmed down. 

“That,” she said with a shy smile, “is 


my secret.” 


WHY NOT GIVE HIM А 
HARD ON? 


SEE PHARMACIST 
Fen DETAILS. 


LOST SCENE 
(continued from page 149) 
you, she puts a finger to her lips, opens 
her... this is gonna sound crazy . . - 
opens her fucking dress, not a word out 
of her mouth, and displays the two most 
perfect tits I've ever seen. [Beat] Not 
coming over, abuse of any kind, weird 
shit of that bent, but she holds these 
boobs up for me to look at, as I'm going, 
“Huh?” 
The CO-WORKER is alert al this, looking skep- 
tically at CHAD, who has the hint of a smile on 
his lips. Silence. CHAD doesn't hesitate as he 
glances over only briefly. 


CHAD (continued) 


1 know, I know, but what am I gonna 
do, right? My own mother, for Christ's 
sake! This little smile on her face. And I 
falter, I do, but goddamn if I can't find it 
in me to keep оп... . [Beat] I'm watching 
her—nota flicker of movement, her nip- 
ples hardening, only slightly—and fuc 
I come, I'm serious, I nearly hit the win- 
dow eight feet away, just the two of us 
staring at each other. After, I lay back, 
breath all gone and the shame starting 
up, and you know, I check Mom, out of 
the corner of my eye, but she's already 
buttoned up. She whispers to me, “You 
rest now.” And off she goes. Don't see 
her anymore that afternoon. [Beat] 
Imagine that, huh? And I'll tell you, I've 
puzzled over it, mused the hell out of the 
meaning of the gesture, but nothing. No 
idea. But I'm sure of at least one thing. 
Doesn't matter who I'm with, rest of my 
days, I don't ever expect to see a set of 
jugs like those. And that scares me a lit- 
tle. It does. 

This is too much. The COWORKER can't help 
but laugh and CHAD joins right in, just two 
young men relaxing in the water and having 


a good old giggle. 


CHAD (continued) 


Anyway, I do remember this—and I 
always found it kind of significant. 5he 
made me, my mom did, my favorite 
meal that night for dinner. Big roast, 
bunch of potatoes. A Bundt cake, I 
think. And Dad's sitting there across 
from me, no clue whatsoever as he tries 
to keep up with Monty Hall in the next 
room. . . . [Beat] So was it wrong? Some 
Oedipal shit I'll pay for in the end? 
Maybe so, 1 don't know, but we must talk 
on the phone two, three times a week 
and I still get a Whitman Sampler off her 
every holiday, so I guess it didn't do that 
much damage . . . right? 

CHAD doesn't wail for a reply but instead 
buries his head under the cool surface of the 
pool. He shakes his hair like a hound and then 
pushes off past his CO-WORKER, disappearing 
with long strokes into the humidity and haze of 


the dimly lit room. 


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(continued from page 116) 
east in a strong following wind, surfing 
down the face of high quartering seas 
and pulled along by Big Red. This was 
our biggest spinnaker, a blimp of a sail 
not much smaller than Belgium, some- 
one said, though it was in fact about a 
quarter of an acre. Big Red cost $37,000 
and came fresh from the sailmaker's loft 
the day before we left New York. This 
monster was our secret weapon, the 
heaviest cannon in Adela's arsenal. If we 
could keep Big Red full of wind we'd 
have the race and Charlie Barr's record 
in the bag, 

Adix was gone from view but far from 
forgotten. What did they have that we 
didn't know about? And why did they 
leave the dock late one night when we 
were still in New York and return just 
before daybreak? Nobody goes sailing 
for fun after dark when they could be 
out drinking, as normal sailors do when 
they're about to race across an ocean. 

We suspected that Adix went out that 
night to test new and even bigger sails 
than ours, and though we plied her crew 
with enough liquor to loosen the tight- 
est lips, it was a mystery that remained 
unsolved. Perhaps she would suddenly 
reappear in our wake, storming along 
under a monstrous sail that blotted out 
the sky and made Big Red look like a 
postage stamp. But if this did come to 
pass, we could only hope it would be in 
darkness so we'd be spared the shame of 
having to watch. Failing that, surely it 
was not too much to ask that when she 
overtook us our rival's sails would burst 
into flames and all three of her masts 
fall down. 

Again I sought an opinion from Shag. 

“Never mind them bastards,” he said. 
“What we ought to do is go south. We 
should have gone south two days ago. 
"That's where the wind is.” 

Go south? More wind? We already 
had more wind than we knew what to 
do with. That's why we'd reduced sail, 
putting two reefs each in the mainsail 
and the foresail. Why go south when 
we were charging downhill at 14-plus 
knots? Multiply speed by 24 and you've 
got 336 miles a day—at that rate we 
could cut two days off Charlie Barr's 
record! 

Shag's fellow hired guns, including 
two other round-the-world veterans, dis- 
agreed about the southern option. By 
the time we'd been at sea a few days 
there was so much disagreement on this 
and other tactical theories that for a 
while it looked as though the debate 
would end with a punch-up in the scup- 
pers—or so it was said by those who were 
there; I was up forward in the net under 
the bowsprit, looking up into the billow- 
ing heart of Big Red. Dolphins were 
showing off on either side of the bow, 
sun on the water, the steady rumble and 


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195 


PLAYBOY 


196 


hiss of scattering foam. 

That night the ship's horn jerked the 
off-watch out of our bunks soon after we 
had gone below. One long, strident blast 
penetrating into the bowels of the boat, 
followed by a voice shouting down the 
hatch, “Everybody on deck now!" 

Swines! It was the other watch taking 
their revenge. Yesterday, just as they 
went below, we got them up to help raise 
Big Red. But we didn’t use the horn 
‘They used the horn! This was going too 
far under the accepted rules of inter- 
watch needling. The horn ploy could 
only mean that Captain Carson, the 
archneedler, was at the wheel, gloating 
inwardly while pretending to be sorry 
for waking us. 

Cursing him, cursing the other watch 
and the boat, we stumbled about in the 
main saloon looking for thermal gear, 
flashlights, harnesses, socks, hats, gloves, 
boots and oilskins. To prevent confusion 
these had all been numbered before the 
race, but now it seemed the thieving bas- 
tards on watch had willy-nilly helped 
themselves to whatever came to hand 
first and left the rest of the stuff in a sod- 
den, jumbled heap. 

The horn again. More angry yelling 
down the hatch. 

We had no idea what was happening 
up there. Fire? Imminent collision? Man 
overboard? Who could tell? Feet thun- 
dering overhead, more shouting, deck 
canting one way, then the other, both 
masts vibrating, the hollow twang of rig- 
ging under sti 

As we scrambled into our gear some- 
one called out—for about the tenth time 
since the race began—" Taxi!" We cursed 
him too and arrived on deck just in time 
to see the shredded remains of Big Red 
disappearing in a silky fluttering rustle 
under the light of a blazing full moon 

“Thank you for joining us, gentle- 


men,” Carson said, grinning broadly, as 
he often does when he wants to hit some- 
one. "Maybe next time you could make 
it on deck within the hour, if you would 
be so kind.” 

How the other watch managed to lose 
our biggest sail, what happened and who 
was responsible, nobody would or could 
say. It was dark, we changed course, per- 
haps someone failed to take up enough 
slack ina line or took too much, perhaps 
someone gave an order that was misun- 
derstood. Operator error. Not that it 
mattered now. Big Red was a goner af- 
ter only 12 hours of service or, to put it 
another way, at a cost of around $3000 
an hour. 

All that work for nothing. 


Eventually we would blow out seven 
sails, including both spinnakers, which 
had to be cut away and abandoned. The 
other five we managed to save and re- 
pair. For 22 hours we dropped the 
heaviest sail on the boat—the mainsail, 
which provides the driving power—to 
replace a torn panel. This work had to 
be done on deck by hand because the 
main weighed half a ton and was too 
thick to be carried below. So much for 
the electric sewing machine installed in 
the sail repair room in the saloon. Sail- 
maker Graham Knight sat on the deck- 
house roof and stitched until he couldn't 
see straight while the rest of us kept an 
eye on the fogbound horizon, expecting 
Adix with cach passing minute. 

While Graham sewed we were lucky 
with the wind, wl stayed behind and 
gave us days of fast, effortless sailing. 
With all sails up again we made 299 
miles in one day and celebrated with a 
beer apiece, convinced that we'd won 
the trophy for the best day's run—and 
would have won if Adix hadn't clocked 


“Sure beats visions of sugarplums, eh, Pops?” 


up an extra fraction on the same day. 

‘Two days later the wind turned hard 
against us in the form of square-shaped 
onrushing seas, spray-flecked gray boom- 
ers exploding over the bow while Ade- 
la lunged into the troughs with all the 
grace of a drunkard falling down the 
stairs. From then on we slept with faces 
jammed against the bulkhead or pressed 
against leeboards, the lashed-up canvas 
cloths that keep you in the bunk when 
the boat's heeling on her car; and with 
each lift of the bow we braced ourselves 
for the crash at the bottom of the next 
canyon and wondered whether this time 
we would fall on a whale, a submerged 
container or some other unseen boat 
sinker. Those of us who bunked forward 
had the full benefit of this experience 
while our pampered shipmates, the hot- 
shots and the owner's party, slept aft in 
the splendor of guest cabins. 

Adam, the owner's son, came aboard 
with a retinue of can-do young execu- 
tives in the New York real estate and 
money markets who arrived at the dock 
in their three-piece suits shouting, 
“Ahoy, mates!" to Adela's stone-faced reg- 
ulars. At the last minute one Wall Street 
recruit showed up with Miss Fabulous on 
his arm and explained that he couldn't 
make it—he was in the middle of a deal. 
Sorry. That left us a man short and with 
no chance of finding a replacement be- 
fore the race. Thus at first we were not 
disposed to think too highly of these new 
arrivals. 

Some of them had never before sailed 
offshore and during the first weck spent 
their hours on watch bundled up and 
greenish. This was understandable, we'd 
all been there once, though it was a little 
unusual to find them huddled in the 
deckhouse, wearing every lifesaving de- 
vice available while they conferred on 
the downstream dollar possi 
this or that particular dea 
jected earnings and losses ol 

Carson rousted them out of their shel- 
ter one morning while they were peer- 
ing out of the deckhouse, ad: 
dolphin racing alongside the boat. 
your asses on deck!” he shouted. “This 
ain't a sight-seeing trip—we're racing!” 


Atleast once daily Adela's owner called 
from New York on the $1 
com line to discuss tactics with Captain 
Carson. Some days he called more than 
once. Did we realize that Adix was mak- 
ing better time than we were? Did we 
have any plans to increase our speed? 
Were we aware that another boat, a big, 
fast, modern ketch owned by a Saudi ty- 
coon, was creeping out of the pack and 
closing in on us? 

There were urgent consultations be- 
tween Carson and the afterguard of 
experts. What to do about Adix before 
she did it to us? Everyone had ideas. We 
sent a man up the foremast to look, but 


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PLAYBOY 


198 


he could barely make out the horizon 
through the driving rain. We could have 
called them on the satcom line, pretend- 
ing we were from the media and ask- 
ing them for their position, course and 
speed. Carson ruled that out as non- 
kosher. A third option was to radio Adix 
and identify ourselves, offer to give them 
our position in exchange for theirs and 
then plead radio interference and hang 
up when it was our turn to deliver. To 
this, Carson shouted, “Maybe you'd like 
to call in an air strike and sink 'em!" To 
that someone murmured, “Can that be 
arranged?” 

Damage had already taken its toll in 
the fleet. In the rising seas the venerable 
schooner Aello lost a topmast and had a 
30-foot crack down her mainmast. Just 
as Aello's skipper was about to send five 
men out onto the bowsprit to lower sail, 


iD? 


\ 


ҮТ 


N 
Ti 


the bowsprit snapped off and was car- 
ried away. Aello was out of the race. 
Globana, a 118-foot ketch with a crew 
from the U.S. Naval Academy, ran into a 
fishing net and limped off to the Azores 
with a tangle of rope and wire around 
the keel. She was out, too. And another 
vintage schooner, Marielle, dropped out 
when the owner fired his race tactician 
and replaced him with a man who navi- 
gated the boat into a windless void. This, 
combined with the fact that the boat ran 
out of food, so incensed Marielte's owner 
that we later heard he punched the cook 
on the nose and sulked in his cabin un- 
til the boat reached England under en- 
gine power. 

All told, six of 15 boats retired. Two of 
the dropouts, Sapphire and the schooner 
America, had been chartered by the up- 
per crust of England's yachting fraterni- 


“Pd like to see some ID.” 


ty, the Royal Yacht Squadron. In New 
York before the start, the senior RYS 
member aboard Sapphire threw a wobbly 
because the captain of America failed to 
dip his ensign in salute. Now both RYS 
boats were quitting in midrace, not be- 
cause of damage but because their dis- 
tinguished charterers had suddenly re- 
membered they had important business 
ashore, and would have to proceed un- 
der sail and engine. In defense of these 
fine gentlemen, it must be said that mem- 
bers of the RYS wear spiffy little hats and 
awfully tight reefer jackets as part of 
the squadron uniform; however, nobody 
would mistake them for sailors. 

The calls from Adela’s owner in- 
creased. One day he called with orders 
to tack. This was a novel and in my ex- 
perience unprecedented command, for 
itis generally recognized that a decision 
to change the boat's direction is best left 
to the people actually on the boat rath- 
er than to someone a couple thousand 
miles away. But tack we did and after an 
hour or so of sailing toward a point way 
south on the Moroccan coast we tacked 
back in the general direction of Europe. 
Someone asked Captain Carson if we 
could hook the owner's telephonic voice 
into the deck hailers next time he called 
so that he could shout, “Ready about!” 
and other useful commands at the op- 
portune moment. Carson, who was now 
smoking half a carton or more daily, was 
in no mood to reply. 

We had by then been going to weath- 
er—pounding into the wind—for sever- 
al days. This is called beating. Adela lay 
on her ear, smashing through the seas 
with one side of the deck awash, the oth- 
er lashed by frigid spray. To get any- 
where you staggered, crawled, jumped 
and slithered, holding on to whatever 
you could grab before launching your- 
self forward. The beating came into it 
when you crash-landed on a steel winch 
or head-butted some ether fixed object, 
like a mast. 


We were no longer worried about the 
whereabouts of the rest of the fleet; wi 
had enough to do maintaining та 
mum possible speed through the rising 
seas, pushing the boat to the limit, rais- 
ing and dropping sails to squeeze what 
we could out of the wind. 

The warmth of the Gulf Stream, fan- 
ning out to the north and east almost to 
the edge of the icy Labrador Current, 
was far astern. No more shorts and 
T-shirts. Now it was—in the obscure 
parlance of sailors and contrary to the 
theme of the movie of that name—the 
full monty: seaboots, gloves, hats and oil- 
skins, all except for Shag Morton, who 
drew the line at boots and stood every 
watch in big, bare, calloused feet. 

Halfway through the second week we 
ran out of cocoa, mari de, jam, candy 
and cookies. Tempers in the crew mess 


shortened as this horrible news sunk in. 
People wanted to know who ate the last 
Milky Way. The guilty—I and seven oth- 
ers—said nothing, Our position was this: 
They finished off the cookies. 

In the early days we feasted on ribs 
and steaks, chicken and beef pies, spicy 
pizzas, tuna melts and other treats. Now 
there were sarcastic gripes from the non- 
sailors about the frequency of beans and 
porridge in the ship's diet. Adela's cook, 
a strapping young lady called Carey 
Gordon-Jones, runs a sailors bar and 
restaurant in Antigua and for several 
months in the Australian tropics cooked 
for a shipload of psycho biker-shrimpers 
strung out on speed. Ignorant of the 
golden rule that applies to cocks at sca— 
never, ever piss off the cook—perhaps 
the nonsailors on Adela saw Carey as 
a domestic servant and failed to notice 
the glint in her eye when they chanted, 
“Oh boy, beans again, just what we want- 
ed.” Someone less tolerant would have 
dropped something nasty into the sauce- 
pan. Carey went on deck and smoked a 
couple of cigarettes until her temper 
cooled. 


Having stripped the boat of surplus 
weight before the race, we had only one 
video on board, an action movie star- 
ring Steven Seagal. In one scene a 
busty half-naked girl springs out of a 
cake. Man of Steel meets Woman of Sili- 
cone—we never tired of watching the 
cake scene. 

Further entertainment was provided 
by Adam, who, as a Yale Law School 
graduate, had an endless stock of prob- 
ing questions 

"Why is it windy?” 

“Why are the sails making that awful 
noise?” 

“Why is it raining?” 

“Why are we going up and down like 
this?” 

And, most difficult of all, “Why are we 
here and not somewhere else?” 

Who could say? But it was clear that 
after days of pounding against the wind, 
fatigue and frustration had set in. A 20- 
minute sail change now took an hour or 
more. We still couldn't make the course 
we wanted: We could sail above it and 
below it, but not on it. Adix was reported 
to be drawing ever closer, parallel with 
us though still slightly behind, and the 
phone rang day and night with calls 
from the owner. Adam dropped a few 
hints that if we didn’t win, Captain 
Carson might have to look for anoth- 
er job. Carson took that in his stride 
and changed the subject. “You could be 
right,” he said, “but think of the money 
you're saving your clients by not being 
there to advise them.” 
the electrics went on the 
fritz: lights shorting out, alarms sound- 
ing to report leaks fore and aft, gener- 
ators overheating—all false alarms, as it 


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PLAYBOY 


200 


turned out, though our one and only 
electric kettle sprang a leak and gave vi- 
olent shocks to anyone careless enough 
to make contact. Engineer James Harri- 
son dealt with each problem as it arose 
and waited moodily for the next crisis. 
For 750 nautical miles we stayed on 
the same tack, four days of hard beat- 
ing through rain and low gray scudding 
clouds. Around the clock the bowsprit 
crew raised and dropped headsails while 
the rest of us crowded forward to drag 
the sails over the rail and onto the deck 
as they came down. The bowsprit crew 
spent much of their time underwater 
with the boat heaving and plunging un- 
der them. Once they took a 30-foot drop 
that tossed 12 men skyward until they 
were jerked back by their harnesses and 
half-drowned on the way down. They es- 
caped with a few chipped teeth, sore 


ribs, a black eye and bruises. 

And then, toward the end of the sec- 
ond week, the wind eased and the sun 
came out. We shook out the reefs in the 
mainsail and the foresail, hoisted our last 
remaining headsails and took off like the 
proverbial bat. The next day the wind 
came back in strength, forcing us again 
to reduce sail. But the sun stayed and 
the drying decks steamed in its warmth. 

Thirteen days after racing across the 
line at Sandy Hook we saw contrails 
heading east. Overnight traffic from the 
U.S. and Canada. Later in the morning 
two Royal Navy helicopters clattered 
over the horizon and stationed them- 
selves on each side for an hour or so as 
we plunged onward past the Isles of Scil- 
ly toward the English coast. 

With 50 miles left to the finish some- 
one asked Carson if it was time to put the 


"Now let's get this straight . . . the silk lingerie's 
for you, and the lady gets the Havanas?” 


champagne on ice. Adela’s captain, who 
cannot tolerate the color green, i 
tling or the word rabbit—all con 
bad luck by mariners—shook hi 
‘The Saudi yacht was still gaining, had 
even drawn ahead of Adix—or had she? 
Nobody knew for certain. 

What mattered was that anything 
could go wrong in the last stretch, with 
the boat and crew pushed way beyond 
tolerance. Both masts could go over the 
side, the stitched panel in the repaired 
mainsail could give way under the strain, 
some fool might bounce over the side, 
forcing us to turn around and pick him 
up. Carson himself, now reaching the 
last of his Marlboro Lights, might go 
crazy from nicotine starvation and set a 
course for the Pacific. 

We sailed on, counting down the miles 
until we saw the long range of sunlit cliffs 
that mark the southwesterly tip of Eng- 
land. There was a puff of smoke and the 
faint thud of a cannon as we passed 
Lizard Point and crossed the finish line. 
We answered with two rounds from 
Adela's cannon and for the first time in 
two weeks felt the strain and stress fall 
away. Out came the champagne. People 
embraced, shook hands, cheered and 
laughed—some wandered off, not trust- 
ing themselves to speak in case emotion 
overwhelmed the elation. 

At the dock we found wives, girl- 
friends, families, TV news crews. And 
Adela's owner, who couldn't stop grin- 
ning and shaking hands with everyone 
he saw. If it bothered him that he'd laid 
out maybe a quarter ofa million dollars 
to win first prize—a Rolex and a couple 
of bronze and glass trophies—he showed 
no sign of it. 

No, we didn't smash the record that 
Charlie Barr set in 1905. His time beat 
ours by a day and 17 hours, and as much 
as we might wish otherwise, I can't help 
feeling glad that Charlie's record is still 
standing. (Many boats have turned in 
faster transatlantic times than Charlie 
Barr's, but not while racing in a fleet of 
full displacement yachts; later record 
breakers had the luxury of waiting for 
just the right weather—a strong westerly 
front—while our fleet had to leave on 
the appointed date, wind or no wind.) 

For all the good they did us we could 
have pulled the plugs on Adela’s comput- 
ers and the rest of the electronic arse- 
ing a boat across an ocean, it 
always comes down to the basics: You 
can do only what the wind and sea will 
let you do. We won the old-fashioned 
way, Charlie’s way, through dogged hard 
work and refusing to quit and because 
in the end the crew—all of the crew, 
including the first-timers—gave every- 
thing they had and kept pushing it. 
There's something to be said for that 
Shag Morton said it afterward in the 
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< 
Апсїепї Магїпег 

(continued from page 166) 
shots now, but I'll get back with you as 
soon as my dick allows it. 

See, it was like Ronnie Harper was an 
appendage of his dick instead of the oth- 
er way around. Like Marcia Ziegler had 
the world’s most powerful damn electro- 
magnet, like one of those junkyard ba- 
bies can pick up a tractor-trailer and 
haul it across the lot, like she had one of 
those megawatt electromagnets right 
yango between her legs. And Ronnie 
Harper's dick just bypassed his higher 
function, drug him around after, Ronnie 
bouncing along behind going Whoa shit 
Marie, waving his arms for balance, like 
he's just hanging on to a towline and his 
dick the towline and Marcia Ziegler's 
privates a speedboat with an Evinrude 
120 on it and Ronnie not so good a skier. 
It was like his penis—— 

Do you mind if I use the word penis? 

It was like his penis—well hell, you 
might even know what it's like yourself, 
you're about that age. Lots of guys when 
they get up toward 40, it’s like their pe- 
nis turns around and looks up and says, 
Hang on, hoss, you and me're taking 
one last ride before I pack it in for good. 
And it’s off to the races. This was not 
about liking Marcia Ziegler. Are you kid- 
ding me? When you got a wife like Alice 
at home? This was a penis job, boy. 
Nothing but a damn penis job. 

Now I—thank you. Sure will. Thank 
you. 

Now I haven't told you about Alice. 
This is where the story gets tragic. You 
ht wanna think about having anoth- 
er drink here yourself. 

Now Alice, she is a good woman. More 


than a good woman, a special woman. If 
Marcia is all sidelong angles and a bony 
little ass, then Alice is direct and straight 
and, you know, more womanly in her 
physique. You should've seen her in the 
little sundress she was in when she 
. Very sweet. Blonde 
Freckles on her chest. And the tops of 
her arms there. Oh, you can see her in 
the little girls. Two blonde little moptops. 
And how she doted on them. Positively 
doted. Man, you have not seen doting till 
you've seen Alice with her kids. Well, 
Ronnie too, far as that goes. You could 
not fault him there. 

But Alice is like that with everyone. 
Loves people. Puts 'em at ease, right 
away, ‘cause the minute you meet her 
you know you don't gotta watch your 
back. You're with friends. You're not 
with a salesman—though I ain't saying it 
wasn't genuine with Ronnie, the friendli- 
ness. Hell, Ronnie liked people plenty, 
until his dick up and threw a shadow 
over it. But with Alice there was never 
any of that ambition shit mixed in. Just 
good feeling 

So what's a woman like that gonna do? 
Say, OK, hell with my marriage, it didn't 
work out, I'll just start dating again? Yes, 
Joe Bob, this is a lovely chard'nay? Alice 
Harper? I don't think so, good buddy. 
This woman is too good for dates. Your 
Marcia Ziegler, your Marcia Ziegler, she 
dates. You take a Marcia Ziegler 

But this might be the time, here— 
maybe I should introduce a personal 
note. A little confession. Because, strang- 
er, what'd I say before? Talking about 
Marcia Ziegler? Said I knew her to say 
hello? Well that’s a half-truth there. Let 
me tell you something. I did not go all 
over town blabbing how | was a fornica- 


“Hey! Merry Christmas, everybody!” 


tor with Marcia Ziegler myself. Some of 
us just don't do that. We set back in the 
shadows a little bit, we're a little re- 
cessed. Laying back, there, in a covert 
fashion. Don't gotta tell the damn world, 
but yes, I had known the lady myself. 
More than to say hello to. And let me tell 
you something. You want to know what 
it’s like having sex with Marcia Zieg- 
ler you should do this: Go to the paint 
store— 

Any paint store. It doesn't even matter 
which damn paint store. There’s a Sher- 
win-Williams over on Bowie. 

Go to the paint store. Go in there, pull 
your pecker out, strap it into one of 
those paint shakers they got there and 
dial that baby up to ten, or whatever the 
highest is. Jackhammer, whatever. San 
Francisco, 1906. And while you're at it 
have one of the paint salesmen put his 
mouth right next to your ear and shriek, 
“Fuck me Whatever-the-Fuck-Your- 
Name-Is! Fuck me Whatever-the-Fuck- 
Your-Name-Is!" 

Nussbaum, huh? Hmm. We don't got 
a lot of Nussbaums around here. 

Now you don't gotta 
ia Ziegler. 

Very intense lady. 

And did I mention, Nussbaum, that 
regardless of when you have your or- 
gasm, you gotta leave your dick in that 
paint shaker for 2 good quarter hour? 

OK. Where was I? 

So this is going on and it’s common 
knowledge. So they're having fights at 
home, Ronnie and Alice, and finally Al- 
ice insists that the two of them go to The 
Healing Center. 

The Healing Center, that's this ranch 
facility on the Guadalupe, over in the hill 
county, they have seminars and also 
one-on-one things, for personal growth. 
Also have wine tastings in the evening. 
So they're at The Healing Center for 
about a week. And Ronnie gets back, 
comes right into the bar, sits on his 
stool—that one you're sitting on—and 
orders a beer. And he has a black eye the 
size of a plum. 

So 1 just go ahead and play stupid. I 
say, How was it, Ronnie? How was The 
Healing Center? 

And he looks down at his beer kind of 
shifiy-eyed, and his arm stretching for- 
ward makes his leather jacket ride up 
past his chin, he nods down at his beer 
and says, Not bad. Nice place. Spectacu- 
lar setting. 

And everyone comes into the bar looks 
at him and asks him how was it and he 
nods and says, Spectacular setting. 

And he looks like a man under sen- 
tence of death, the strain sull there in his 
eyes. Because he was a prisoner. The 
man was a prisoner of sex 

Thank you. No, maybe ГЇ switch to a 
Bombay martini here. Red Dog back. 
Thank you 

But I was telling you about Alice. This 
is a good woman. This is a woman—how 


do I describe it. When you go to the 
store to buy a cantaloupe and you want 
to see if it's ripe, you heft it and give it a 
little thump, and if it sounds nice and 
plunky then you know it's a good god- 
damn cantaloupe. Well that's Alice’s ass. 
Not that Alice had a fat ass—not at all. 
No, it was just right, made you want to 
thunk a knuckle against it to hear that 
perfect sound. Not like Marcia Ziegler's 
scrawny little ass 

And having sex with Alice was like 
swimming on the sweet rolling sea. Like 
the tide pulling you in, Bringing you 
safely home. Not like Marcia Ziegler, 
yanking you home like a bad dog. 
Where you run a danger of whiplash. 1 
swear, sex with Marcia Ziegler, it feels 
like she's got wi 
And her orgasm is like a pinball machine 
ringing up your 800,000 bonus points. 
Chinka-chinka-chinka-rnwock-chinka- 
THWOCK—you know what I'm saying. 
And then she'll just lie there a moment 
to catch her breath and then go “Huh!” 
Just “Huh!"—like the bonus ball burp- 
ing up. 

But Alice—with Alice, it's smooth and 
sweet and free. Because she's a wom- 
an, Nussbaum, y understand. Wrapping 
you up and holding you with her love, 
but giving herself, sharing, sharing cries 
of joy, Nussbaum, that are almost unbe- 
lievable, like in a church pew, a god- 
damn pew, Nussbaum, or when you gaze 
upon some scenic beauty so goddamn 
fresh and high it is almost beyond your 
power to take in. Your heart can't take 
any more, it must give forth, it must 
share its joy with her, so that her heart 
will pound with the same joy, the joy 
draws from your pounding heart. It is 
that kind of deep, deep giving and loving 
and sucking and fucking and fucking 
and sucking and sucking and fucking. 
And afterward, not that damn business- 
like "Huh!" Afterward—weeping. 

And sweetness. Bittersweetness, Nuss- 
baum. Dripping, weeping, sighs. I am 
not a weeping man, Nussbaum. But the 
world weeps. You lie there and the world 
is a great weeping bayou, and Alice and 
you are on this bed, which is now a 
pirogue floating off into the twilight as a 
distant bird cries 

A boat, Nussbaum. A pirogue is a kind 
of boat. 

No, it's not clammy. I'm not talking 
about the goddamn sheets being wet 
The dripping is not a literal thing. It's a 
fecling. Jesus Christ, you got a goddamn 
tle mind there, Nussbaum, 1 
how many drinks you buy. I'm 
talking about people's souls, and you're 
talking about jizz dripping on the sheets 
Grow up, man. a little maturity. Je- 
sus Christ. 

Yeah, OK. That's OK. Yeah, forget it. 
n. The same. Yeah. Beer 


rt 
back 

Now this is why it was sad. This is how 
come it's so goddamn sad, Nussbaum. I 


mean, you look at pictures of them when 
they were kids, Ronnie and Alice. They 
were high school sweethearts; I don't be- 
lieve she had ever had another man. 
And there's the two of them, Ronnie 
beaming at the camera, Alice with her 
arm hooked around his, beaming up at 
him. Beaming at him. Like he has the 
only penis in the world. So goddamn it 
amighty, ain't it lucky she found him. 
And the future, there ain't no future on 
their minds—hell, ain't gonna be no 
problems there, ain't even worth think- 
ing about. What the hell, he's got the 
penis. Grinning, and if he’s grinning, 
well then why wouldn't Alice grin too. 
Kids. What do kids know. What do kids 
know, Nussbaum. 

Yeah, no, I meant she'd never had an- 
other man then. When they got together. 
Or afterward either, for that matter, up 
until Ronnie started in with the hanky- 
panky. And even then it wasn't spite. 
Wasn't tit for tat, Alice wasn't sleeping 
with me to get even. She’s not that kind 
of woman, Numbus, she didn't even 
think of it as having sex. Nussbaum. Sor- 
ry. She just had to unburden herself. She 
had to share, share with someone; it was 
reaching out. She reached out. This is a 
sweet woman. And her husband says, 
he's saying, “Our sex life is blah.” That's 
what Ronnie said. At The Healing Cen- 
ter. In front of a counselor. And then he 
suggested they use sex foys? A woman like 
Alice—sex toys? Alice Harper will not use 
dildos, Nussbaum. Not for you, not for 
me. Not for this man's army. Dildos are 
out of the question. “Our sex life is 
blah,” he is saying, in front of a guy with 
a ponytail. A nodding guy with a pony- 
tail. And dildos. This incredible, incredi- 
ble woman. So she reaches out 

It is not the same thing. That is just ig- 
norant, and just shows that you haven't 
understood what I been telling you 
about each of these people. He did it 
"cause he was a damn sex fiend. He 
couldn't control himself. It's not that she 
couldn't control herself. 

Yeah, she stabbed him. But she— 
she—OK, in that sense she couldn't con- 
trol herself. But that's not—that doesn't 
make her, uh. ... Her and Ronnie, it was 
love. Sometimes it comes from a place of 
love. A place of love, Nussbaum. Don't 
you goddamn understand that? 

Well that’s because you don't under- 
stand love. 

No. No you don't. Not if you say, She 
was fucking someone too. You don't un- 
derstand shit. And you're goddamn right 
1 was his best friend. So get the fuck off 
that stool. Right the fuck now. Asshole. 

No, I will not answer one question. 
Just get the HE 

Huh? 

Marcia? No. 

No, I don't know whether she’s 


rently dating. 


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PLAYBOY 


204 


INSIDE THE MANSION „авон page во) 


Life was more delectable in those houses than it had 
ever been anywhere else in the world. 


ever really wanted, ever really wants. 
Somehow, if you are very clever or very 
lucky, you get yourself there. (I had my 
ways; 1 made sure of that, thank you.) 
But we have all been there. We have all 
been privy. Across five decades, by way 
of gleaming paper stock, on these pag- 
es hungrily thumbed, we were granted 
admittance, given glimpses, permitted 
peeks. And then there were the televi- 
sion specials—free network passes into 
paradise tangible. Hef saw to it that we 
saw it, too. (Certainly this was his plan, to 
make men and women alike behold pos- 
sibility, but still—other guys with such vi- 
sion mightn't have been so, well, hos- 
pitable.) Here, laid before our wide eyes, 
were the domestic fixtures, naked and 
architectural, hot and (most) cool, of 
his two Playboy Mansions—of our two 
Playboy Mansions, yours and mine— 


pads deliriously palatial, repositories of 
ultimate male fantasy, hulking shrines to 
all sybaritism. Every published picture 
and videotaped revel would tell a new 
secret. But the most important secret of 
all wasn't really much of a secret: Life 
was more delectable in those houses 
than it had ever been anywhere else in 
the world. Fora guy, especially. 

I think of a toast coined recently by 
one grateful habitué of both houses, the 
dashing actor Robert Culp, who exhorts 
on special occasions of male camaraderie 
at Playboy Mansion West: “Gentlemen, 
gentlemen, he of good cheer, for they are 
out there, and we are in here!” Upon re- 
flection, it seems to me that Culp is gloat- 
ing. Understandably. 

To be inside: Parties. Gadgets. Grot- 
toes. Games. Beautiful women. Hidden 
passages. More parties. Bunnies. Boun- 


ty. Famous people. Playmates. Pillow 
fights. Peacocks. Movies. Monkeys. Cool 
jazz. Warm Jacuzzis. Waterfalls. Nude 
sunbathing. Nude moonbathing. Much, 
much nudity. Orgiastic sex. Still more 

г Dionysus would have blushed. 
is the world of Hugh M. Hefner, 
spinning on its coveted access. Now, 
quite happily, there is occasion again to 
pass through the portals, to consider all 
that has been Mansion Life, to ponder 
the significance of one man's real estate 
holdings. I refer to the publication of 
a time-capsule treasury, a large shelter 
book of secret peeks within the walls, en- 
titled Inside the Playboy Mansion—third in 
a series of lush rLaywoy nostalgia vol- 
umes. This book is large because so too 
are the legends, not to mention the pi 
vate pictures of play and pleasure, Hef- 
style. It is simply an interior history of 
American hedonism, a family album for 
the gainfully uninhibited. What also 
emerges, by no coincidence, is a depic- 
tion most intimate of personal evolution 
in the Hefner life—his loves, his losses, 
his battles, his dreams come true—set in- 
extricably against the backdrop of the 
two houses he famously hated to step 
outside of. He liked to be, you know, in- 
side. Understandably. 

Cartoon from this magazine, 1970: A 
man has clambered to a mountain peak 
to beg wisdom from a cross-legged guru. 
Guru tells man: “In a place called Chic: 
go, there's a man who lives in a mansion 
full of beautiful women and wears paja- 
mas all the time. Sit at his feet and learn 
from him, for he has found the secret of 
true happiness.” 

Let us begin in Chicago, where all 
things PLAYBOY must. It is here that Hef- 
ner was born—as were his magazine, his 
key clubs, his television show, his sexu- 
al freedom, his house. The House. The 
original! Here was the Playboy Mansion, 
no geographical caveat necessary! It 
ened, a stately turn of the 
century brick and stone monolith, 
posing its majesty on a leafy street of 
swells who were going to be forever 
outswelled. Six years into his empire 
building, in a 1959 year-end letter sent 
to investors, the manor's prescient fu- 
ture occupant—this 33-year-old wo 
holic editor-publisher-dreamer—wrote, 
almo: afterthought: “On the person- 
al side, we've bought a house at 1340 
North State Parkway, which should 
make the living considerably easier and 
more pleasant. It is a magnificent place, 
with a giant main room that be great 
for parties; we're building an elaborate 
indoor swimming pool downstairs that 
will make this mansion the talk of all 
Chicago. It should help me get away 
from the office scene a bit and relax a lit- 
de moi 

Um. Evidence would indicate that he 
did, in fact, get away from the office 
scene. And, yes, there would be relax- 
ation. To assure such, every crevice of 


2REA TSAO F 


206 


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the vast structure had been redesigned 
to render life almost structureless. Seal- 
ing himself within his new grand vacu- 
um, work and play fused together, inter- 
mingled, danced as one, frugged up a 
storm. Regimen knew no boundaries 
and this was beautiful. Why commute? 
Just move the paperwork off the bed 
and make room for the girls. There was 
no time squandered, only time savored 
“Separates me from the wasted mo- 
tions,” Hef said of the ingenious setup. 
He would also say later, most memo- 
rably, “The Mansion ended up working 
so well that going out came to seem like 
a useless exercise. What the hell was 
it I was supposed to go out for?” Leg- 
ends ensued: “When was the last time 
I left this house, Lee? Three and a half 
months ago?” (He had to ask; he asked 
anyone around him, quite proudly at 
that.) “How many times have I been out 
of this house in the last two years? About 
nine times.” (He usually answered him- 
self, ever the impatient one.) This was 
1965. Mythos varied: 1 have heard he 
left eight times in nine years, five times 
in seven years, ten in six, whatever; one 
got the point. He took a girl into the 
front yard during a blizzard to build 
a snowman: The panic! “When we got 
back,” he recalled, “we learned that the 
news had spread through the house like 
there'd been a prison break—'He's gone 
out! Hef's gone out! 

Fine pedigreed writers came to gawk 
at the spectacle. How could they resist? 
Here was a man in total control of his 
own environment, who had everything 
right where he wanted it. I mean, eu- 
erything. Unheard of. Tom Wolfe, who 
dubbed Hef “King of the Status Drop- 
outs,” christened the house “Lollygag 
Heaven.” Of the aforementioned King, 
Wolfe wrote, as only Wolfe could: "Thir- 
ty-nine years old! A recluse! Bona fide! 
Right this minute, one supposes, he is 
somewhere in there in the innards of 
those 48 rooms, under layers and layers 
of white wall-to-wall, crimson wall-to- 
wall, Count Basie-lounge leather, muf- 
fled, baffled, swaddled, shrouded, closed 
in, blacked out, shielded by curtains, 
drapes, wall-to-wall, blonde wood, hon- 
ey-shuck, magnolia or something, all 
those earphones, screens, cords, doors, 
buzzers, dials, Nubians—he's down in 
there, the living Hugh Hefner, 150 
pounds, like the tender-tympany green 
heart of an artichoke.” 

He was never lonely therein. "Physi- 
isolation isn't the same as psycholog- 
ical isolation,” he would explain. In 
deed, everyone came to Hef's, to see, to 
play, to watusi or canoodle. Names from 
Frank Sinatra to Johnny Carson, the 
Rolling Stones to Barbra Streisand, Mu- 
hammad Ali to Joe DiMaggio. 1 mean, 
everyone. You don't have the time. They 
entered at street level, ascended a mar- 
ble staircase to find that white French 
door affixed with perhaps the most 


notorious brass plaque in the history of 
threshold passage. Smaller than you 
would think, the warning came in Latin: 
"Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare.” (But of 
course: “If you don't swing, don't ring.") 
Yonder beckoned the grand ballroom— 
“the size of a basketball court," Hef liked 
to point out—where two suits of armor 
stood sentry over bacchanals unending. 
There, amid the paintings of Picasso and 
De Kooning, amid the carved oaken fili- 
grees and mammoth corniced pillars, 
jazzmen wailed, martinis rattled, Bun- 
nies grooved. These Happenings hap- 
pened just one flight above the indoor 
tropical pool whose hidden cave of hid 

den love—the Woo Grotto, to be sure— 
was visible only to those who spied down 
through a trapdoor, also hidden, in the 
ballroom floor. (Exclamations of woo, 
and the variation, woo-woo, issued in- 
evitably from peeps on high.) Mean- 
while, those who swam elsewhere in the 
pool could be appreciated through a 
picture window in the subterranean 
Underwater Bar, most easily reached by 
way of sliding down a brass firepole 

(Both Dean Martin and Batman report- 
edly stole Hefner's pole notion for their 
respective TV shows.) Other accoutre- 
ments abounded: Girls, girls, girls, of 
course; plus game room, bowling alley, 
steam room, sauna, third-floor Bunny 
dormitories (oh, convenience!), red-liver- 

ied housemen, 24-hour kitchen, spiral 
stairways, hi-fi stereo console the length 
of a limousine with phonic features to fill 
four paragraphs—suffice it to say, state- 
of-the-art in hissless bliss. 

All stuff most fabulous, but none more 
so than The Bed. 

Hefner's Chicago Bed—this was a his- 
torical feat of whimsy and engincering, a 
technological wonder worthy of Smith- 
sonian installation. Perfectly round, 
eight-and-a-half feet in diameter, it ro- 
tated—revolutionary!—clockwise, coun- 
terclockwise, at the twist of a dial in the 
headboard controls, purring softly, mov- 
ing, turning, “It goes 33%, 45 and 78!” 
Hef told rapt visitors to the master quar- 
ters. (Also, rated and massaged.) 
Without moving an inch, he changed his 
room, spinning atop The Bed, subdivid- 
ing areas of a white-carpeted universe 
(remove shoes, please)—hi-fi and twin 
movie screens this way; conversational 
couch that way; Italian marble fireplace 
and polar-bear hearth rug here; desktop 
dining on the sleek walnut ne dboard 
there. Sectional perm “Нес 
іп а Јатеѕ Вопа могі 
who saw The Bed for exactly what it was: 
“The center of the world!” Off the north 
wall hummed the Electronic Enter- 
tainment Room replete with, well, ev- 
erything, including early Ampex video- 
tape recorders—what, 20 years ahead of 
schedule, when your basic VCR cost 20 
grand per. Pad down a secret spiral stair- 
case to his prized gold-fauceted Roman 
Bath, which comfortably seated eight 


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beneath gentle drizzle, then repair a few 
steps to an undulant water bed, another 
‘American first on the premises. (“He 
gets so much action,” Dean Martin once 
noted, “he’s got the only water bed with 
whitecaps.") As such—as with all M 
sion indulgence—Hef could do, or view, 
whatever he wanted whenever he want- 
ed it. 

Whenever was big: No sun shone in 
the house. Draped out and ignored, 
time of day meant nothing here. The 
man of the Mansion liked to stay up for 
days on end, editing, Philosophizing, 
discoursing, loving, game playing. (Six- 
ty-hour Pepsi-fucled, dexedrine-en- 

ly marathons! Not for 
The wee hours were the 
whee hours,” quoth Hef, “because while 
the rest of the world was asleep, roman- 
tic dreams were more likely to come 
true.” Thus, party nights became par- 
ty mornings. Norman Mailer, who ob- 
served his share of them, wrote of one: 
“The party was very big, and it was a 
good party. The music went all the way 
down into the hour or two before break- 
fast, but no one saw the dawn come in, 
because the party was at Hugh Hefner's 
house, which is one of the most extraor- 
dinary houses in America. I never saw 
the sky from that room, and so there was 
a timeless, spaceless se 
spaceless, it was outward bound. One 
was in an ocean line h traveled at 


the bottom of the sea, on a spaceship 
wandering down the galaxy along a 
night whose duration was a year.” 


It never should have ended. It had 
to. Pallor—however defiant, however 
triumphant—will wear upon а m 
soul. The Great Indoors, the Pneumat 
Era, the Chicago Hermitage began to fa- 
tigue its chief proponent. His residency 
waned; he needed fresh air; he took 
flight. On the Big Bunny, his glorious jet- 
black DC-9 (with airborne round Bed, 
with Jet Bunnies attending), he flew— 
west mostly, to Los Angeles, home of 
his formative Hollywood dreams, where 
show business wanted his business more 
than ever. He flew there and flew there 
until a house was found to keep him 
there. Paradise Found: January 1971 
Ladylove Barbi Benton saw it first; Hef- 
ner, besotted by the splendor, purchased 
it in February. A baronial Tudor manor 
perched atop the greenest of slopes, 
swathed in five acres of what would 
become Eden—here, then, was the per- 
fect Hollywood sequel: "A new Playboy 
Mansion for a new decade,” he would 
interconnected to nature as the 
Chicago Mansion could never be. 1 had 
found the place where I would live out 
my life, and do my best to create a heav- 
en on earth.” 

Playboy Mansion West would forever 


be the prettier sister, the sun-drenched 
blonde versus the dusky brunette, ap- 
propriately curvier of terrain—and, 
man, what foliage! Heaven could only 
hope. Cynics would only gush. Spy mag- 
azine: “If ever a place was not just a 
place but a state of mind, this piace is 
that place.” Rolling Stone: “A crenellated, 
mullioned slab of Olde Englishry, a gray 
gleam of ersatz granite in the southern 
California sunlight. To the back, the im- 
age dissolves, reforms. Sexy vicarage 
metamorphoses to miniaturized Ver- 
sailles.” Let me translate: Here Eu- 
rope, one block off Sunset Boulevard 
Here, in the muffled crook of Charing 
Cross Road—shimmering epicenter of 
Holmby Hills—was a foreign serenity. 
Yet even its attendant history seemed to 
call Hefner home. By fine coincidence, 
construction of his magic castle had be- 
gun in the year of his birth. This he took 
as a sign. Also, neighbors of yore had 
been his idols of youth—Harlow, Disney 
(another Chicago-born dream merchant 
made good), Bogie and Bacall. Indeed, 
the Bogarts had lived just over the back 
wall, where their original Holmby Hills 
Rat Pack convened, where Sinatra legen- 
darily passed wee hours very whee. But 
better Holmby whee was to come 

Make Mansion West a Shangri-la, 
Hugh Hefner did decree. And so he 
would design his Eden from scratch, 
take a great barren backyard (save for 


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southern 
woods) and 


ifornia’s only stand of red- 
stall an oasis, verdant and 
ssed, he oversaw all 
WHERE THE HELL ARE MY LILY 
he famously inquired at one hap- 
py juncture. The property that had 
ns pool soon had its own swi 
oon with waterfalls spilling over 
a Grotto of steaming whirlpools beside 
koi ponds set inside rolling lawns where 
flamingos mixed with peacocks, cranes 
with ducks, a Hama nibbled flowers (and 
also Playmate elbows—don't ask; weird 
animal), and—poetry, please—rabbits 
ruled. Or romped, at least. And oh, what 
romping went on. Wildlife flourished, 
yes; but also Wild Life, amongst and be- 
twixt consenting adults, of course—this 
was what gave the lay of the land, if you 
will, its legacy. 

Naturally, then, our most libertine 
decade—the Seventies—found its pri- 
mal laboratory at Mansion West: Mon- 
keys swung in the trees, but humans 
swung everywhere else. Hef had г 
ranged the accommodations—even the 
Game House had mirrored love nooks. 
Meanwhile, his own master Bed West, 
not round but extra vast, with carved 
nude nymphs in oak relief, with auto- 
mated curtains and mirrors and head- 
board all shiftable—this thing was the 
sultan's magic carpet! Still, nothing 

ing events like the Grotto. 


sentence reers.) But it is 
fair to say: Those rocks have seen most 
everything and most everyone (celebri- 
tywise) making waves, usually without 
clothes. Of course, there was the night of 
Hef's 58th birthday when 18 gorgeous 
naked women waited in his Grotto to 
fete him, and him alone, as hidden 
speakers (inside us rocks, natch) 
blared To All the Girls Гое Loved Before— 
the popular tune that had been officially 
dedicated to him, and him alone. 

“Ah,” as Hef would say, then and 
now, “just another typical day at the 
Mansion.” 

Truth universal, from Beverly Hills 
Cop I, 1987: Eddie Murphy, as Detective 
Axel Foley, crashes a 
ni party in pursuit of felon. (Chris Rock 


works as parking valet in Hefner's fa- 
bled circular driveway.) Stepping into 
the backyard, where sem 

frolic, Murphy is thund 
Christ! 


d Playmates 
struck: “Jesus 
He clutches his own crotch 
up!” he orders crotch. “This 
what we always talked about, so look 
alive! You may never see it again.” 

The never part always gets me. Time 
took the Chicago Mansion, which has 
now gone condo. 1 ask Hef how he feels 
about that. “Not good," he says woefully. 
“It's not progress." He had kept it for 


ing to let go, though he all 
but nev turned there. For a minute, 
in 1975, it was put on the market: “Giv- 
en the choice,” columnist Bob Greene 
wrote at the time, “I would rather see 
the White House burn down.” The Man- 
sion stayed, but stayed largely unused, 
for another nine years, until it was do- 


years, unwil 


nated, as a dormitory (dormitory!), to the 
School of the Art Institute of Chicago. It 


1946 sketch class, Hef ‘gazed upon 
first naked female in the flesh. (He is 
nothing if not a sucker for such symme- 
try.) About a year before art students 
seized Hefner Hall, as it was rechris- 
tened, I wandered the house and looked 
for nude ghosts. I poked through arti- 
facts under dustcovers and sat on the 
Bed and spun and nearly wept. It wasn't 
even my stuff, but I think maybe it kind 
of was. Now the Bed is in storage, await- 
ing a millennium rıayBoy memorabilia 
tour. I know this because I've sort of 
mentioned the Bed a lot to Hef. He hu- 
mors me, I think 
But—wait—I intend no dirge here. 
es eternal in the West! 
st, but with rejuvenated gus- 
ybe we're going back to the Sev- 
s," Hef keeps saying, ever drea 
thus legendarily. His own life has seen 
changes—now two young sons have hap- 


py run of Shangri-la when they wish. “It 
really is a perfect place to grow up,” 
their father has said. “1 know, because 1 
grew up here.” But, of course, he him- 
self will never not be a boy—at least, in 
part—because the boy who he is reminds 
us that boys have better worlds. Hefner's 
world is still the world men most want to 
inhabit, to be inside. I see jaded guys get 
giddy therein. 

At the mos cent Midsummer 
Nights Dream party, for example, hun- 
dreds of first-timers—men and wom- 
en alike—prowled about in sleepwear, 
gawking amid ıhe reverie and the lin- 
gerie, conjuring the past they'd missed. 
Famous newcomers like Jim 
seorge Clooney, Bill Maher, C: 
Diaz, Leonardo, et cetera, et cetera— 
you don't have the time—even they 
seemed to share this sense of wonder- 
ment. “I can’t believe Im at the Playboy 
Mansion!” Clooney actually blurted at 
one point, as if to pinch himself. Many 
hours later, at five in the morning, he 
was still there, hanging with Carrey and 
a handful of stragglers. Hef couldn't get 
rid of them. 

I know thi 
there, too. 1 
know. 


because, um, 1 was still 
ugh place to leave, you 


‘And he’s suing us, claiming we discriminate against people 
who are uneducated and incompetent.” 


209 


PLAYBOY 


210 


WEATH ER (continued from page 122) 


“Even a relatively modest increase in sea level can 
suddenly scour out a whole harbor or beachfront.” 


feedback systems could give us more 
time to figure out global warming, and 
to adjust to it. But Klinger isn’t con- 
vinced that global warming is happening 
at all. While some areas are warming, 
other sites—including the Mountain Re- 
search Station of the University of Col- 
orado, in the hills he can see through his 
office window—have registered a cool- 
ing trend over the past 40 years. He 
thinks we may have jumped the gun on 
global warming, 

“Whether the whole world i 
or cooling is not known,” 
“And I suspect it's cooling in the long 
run.” But these are risky views among 
mainstream scientists. "I'm most both- 


ered by the implication that if you don't 
believe in global warming, you're not a 
respectable scientist,” says Klinger. 


THE MINORITY VIEW 


"The 100-inch telescope at Mount Wil- 
son is a classic, high in the peculiarly 
clear air above Los Angeles’ smog. The 
mirror was cast from recycled wine bot- 
es at the same French factory that once 
produced the Versailles mirrors. The 
simple bentwood chair from which Ed- 
win Hubble discovered that the universe 
is expanding—the core idea of the Big 
Bang theory—is still in place. Sallie Ba- 
liunas, an astrophysicist from the 
Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astro- 


“Anybody in here know anything 
about a sleigh with eight tiny reindeer parked in 
a handicapped zone?” 


physics in Cambridge, Massachusetts, 
has been using the telescope to study 
stars that act like our sun. And she thinks 
that the is doing more to warm the 
planet than people give it credit for. 
This would mean that fossil fuels are 
doing less. 
Most scientists believe that the sun 
йу stable and therefore a pow 
ttle-changing influence on ate. 
It wasn't until the late Eighties that sci- 
entists began to realize that the sun's en- 
ergy output varies—if only by a tenth of 
one percent over a decade. 
"Climate people say, 


the climate system. It's not really worth 
fussing over." But what they miss, she 
says, is that the sun's energy has varied 
even more in the past. She cites a 70- 
year period during the 17th century 
known as the Little Ice Age. “There has 
been some recent global warming, but it 
looks like it's mostly natural,” she says. 
“If there is a human effect, its quite 
small.” 

That assessment aligns her with scien- 
lists who say we needn't rush to change 
the way we use energy. This includes 
Richard Lindzen, an MIT meteoroloj 
who contends that any warming from in- 
creased carbon dioxide is well within the 
climate's normal range. Two chemists at 
the Oregon Institute of Science and Med- 
icine contend that lusher vegetation 
from higher carbon dioxide levels will 
actually be a boon to future generations. 
In agreement are two think tanks, the 
libertarian Cato Institute and the George 
C. Marshall Institute, as well as Global 
Climate Coalition, a group largely sup- 
ported by the fossil-fuel industry and 
many of its biggest customers 

Many skeptics, in fact, read temper- 
ature data from satellites as indicating 
that, over the past two decades, the 
world has been cooling—and that glob- 
al warming predictions are just plain 
wrong. 

It's a bitter fight. Trenberth, at NCAR, 
describes these opponents as “contami- 
nated by vested i ” and says they 
are “very selective” in their use of data. 
The skeptics fire back that all scientists 
get funding from somewhere, including 
government scientists who get more г 
search money when the public thinks it's 


gam . "Everyone has an 
agenda," notes Baliunas. 
Greenhouse have particularly 


argued with | 
the Goddard Institute for 5 

in New York and the best-known propo- 
nent of the global warming theory. 

“It’s norn to have a broad 
range of pe on any problem,” 
Hansen says. And he agrees ıhat study- 
ing the sun's changing energy is “a very 
legitimate r ch topic. I think the sun 
is one of the factors that influence cli- 
mate. But nly small compared 


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should have started reducing our con- 
sumption of fossil fuels long ago. Even 
a modest increase in the gasoline tax 
would encourage the use of alternative 
energy. These technologies could be ex- 
ported to an energy-hungry developing 
world—particularly before that world 
builds more coal-burning power plants. 
Energy conservation would also help— 
from tightened standards for the aver- 
age miles-per-gallon we get from our 
cars to wearing a sweater during winter. 
So would planning help some of the 
losers in the global warming lottery, 
especially those with equatorial rain for- 
ests to preserve. 

“We cant say with certainty what will 
happen in the future, much less what 
will happen if we change something 
now,” says Thomas Conway, a NOAA re- 
search chemist in Boulder who tallies the 
steady rise in carbon dioxide around the 
world. “But certainly it would be in our 
interest to reduce the rate of carbon 
ide being emitted into the atmo- 
sphere. That will give us more time to 
adjust to whatever changes may occur.” 

And many other scientists call for a 
relatively easy task: Put a little more 
money into finding out what's really go- 
ing on. 

“One of the cheapest things we can do 
is simply to monitor what's happening to 
the climate,” says Karl. He notes that 
while existing equipment gives reason- 
able information about some changes, 
we can't get solid data on changes in 
such extreme weather events as torna- 
does, hail, high winds and thunderstorms. 

Roger Pielke Jr, an NCAR scientist 
who specializes in public policy, agrees 
we need better monitoring. He has been 
studying extreme storms—hurricanes, 
floods and blizzards among them. The 
global warming debate has been mis- 
s, into “global 
He suggests 


warming: yes or no?” 
that even if global warming were not an 
issue, 95 percent of our climate and 
weather-related problems would still be 
with us and worth doing something 
about. “We don't know how many peo- 


ple li 


ve in floodplains in the U.S.," Pielke 
io we don't know how vulnerable 
we are to floods. If you say it's going to 
get worse, we should know how bad it is 
already.” 

If we assume global warming is going 
to occur, Pielke says, we'll have floods, 
blizzards and hurricanes. “And if we 
ime that it's not going to occur, we 
ill have floods, blizzards and hur- 
ricanes. Those are going to persist 
throughout time." 


Last еҥ Of Melleza 


(Continued from page 88) 

of ice cubes in delicate crystal goblets. X 
tried to behave as if he were not aston- 
ished but perhaps halfway accustomed 
to such episodes of high gleefulness; he 
clapped robustly, laughing. What did he 
care that he would be awakened by a call 
at 6:30 am., to be driven to the airport; 
what did he care for mere sleep, he who 
had often stayed up through the night 
working at his books, and sometimes, 
though less frequently, making vigorous 
Already the girls had taken over 
ig room. There was the German 
‚ full, shapely, perfumy; there 
was the French girl translator he'd mis- 
judged as plain, graceless and without 
feminine charm, quite transformed now, 
with rouged cheeks and lips, mischie- 
vously shining eyes and a ripe body that 
strained at the silk fabric of her costume. 
With giggles, X was pushed onto a sofa. 
With the jarring sound of an artery pop- 
ping, the enormous champagne bottle 
was uncorked; the ebullient Italian girl 
splashed some champagne into a long- 
stemmed glass for X, and into glasses for 
herself and her companions, and she 
raised her glass in a toast, declaring that 
this midnight feast was in homage to a 
great writer, to the last man of letters, 
whose work had penetrated their souls 
and changed their lives permanently— 
“Signor X. thank you!” Breathless. X 
drank from his glass; the champagne 
was delicious, though slightly tart, with 


Í 


a queer metallic bouquet; its myriad 
miniature bubbles flew up his nostrils 
and into his brain, to burst. More toasts 
followed, for the girls were insatiable in 
their praise of X. He begged them, 
lease, please! Enough! You are very 
‘And they crowded in to 
kiss him, wild wet kisses landing any- 
where, as one of the German girls cried, 
“Ah, no, Herr X, we are not kind at all, 
we are only just.” Though X tried to 
push their hands away, the girls pre- 
pared him for the feast like a great baby, 
tucking a linen napkin beneath his chin; 
the French girl patted him familiarly up 
and down his sides and gave his check 
a caress; another girl bestowed a wet 
smacking kiss on his right ear, and an- 
other girl bestowed a wet smacking kiss 
on the dome of his head; more cham- 
pagne was splashed into glasses and 
drunk; champagne ran in rivulets down 
X's chin and wetted the linen napkin; X 
understood that this was a game, per- 
haps it was a game he'd played in the 
past, a celebration of his worth. He, the 
male, was the girls’ captive, their trophy: 
They were his preening captors but also 
his adoring slaves. 

Next, they competed with one anoth- 
er to ply X with delicacies from the silver 
cart: an apple pared and sliced into bite- 
sized pieces, paté lavishly smeared on a 
piece of crusty bread, a large chocolate- 
covered truffle. To his surprise, X was 
hungry after all, ravenously hungry. his 
angel-girls had aroused his long-dulled 
appetite, tears glistened in his eyes as he 


“Everything seemed to be going Just fine until he 


married my sister.” 


211 


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ate, he squirmed on the sofa racked with 
delight as with an almost unbearable 
pain. The girls exchanged excited mur- 
murs in their accented English, as if X's 
greedy appetite pleased them; he could 
hear their voices distinctly but he could 
not understand their words. It was then 
that the midnight feast took an abruptly 
salacious turn; X tried to protest, his 
dressing gown was torn open, his naked 
body was exposed, fecbly he tried to 
hide his genitals, but the girls snatched 
his hands away. Shouting with glee, the 
girls hoisted him to their shoulders, his 
considerable bulk of nearly 200 pounds, 
crying, “Heave-ho! Here we go!” and 
stumbling and staggering like drunken 
revelers they bore him flailing and kick 
ing into the sumptuous bedroom, with 
much laughter and little ceremony he 
was dropped onto the rumpled bed, 
which he'd feared was the girls destina- 
tion from the first, theirs and his. When 
X opened his mouth to protest, for he 
was a contentedly married man, and a 
gentleman, a bold kiss stopped it; the 
acrobatic French girl with her sinewy. 
squirmy body pinioned him to the mat- 
tress, and one of the German girls clam- 
bered beside him; the girls had shed 
their bellboy costumes and X himself 
was naked now; he would have cringed 
in shame except his aged flaccid body 
was pronounced beautiful by his captors, 
his skin admiringly stroked, how hand- 
some X was! How manly! The girls took 
turns straddling his chest, kissing him 
with deep, sucking kisses; sucking at his 
tongue as if to tear it Írom his mouth; 
sucking at his breath; X could feel, 
against his strangely cool, dampish skin, 
the powerful heat of the girls’ skin; the 
heat between their naked thighs as they 
straddled his chest and belly; the crinkly 
damp of their pubic hair; the pulse and 
throb of their young bodies. When had 
they tied him, wrists and ankles, to the 
four carved-mahogany posts of the im- 
mense canopied bed? Tied him with 
silken cords? His hairy navel, his hollow, 
sagging belly button, was smeared with 
paté to be licked by rapacious, tickling 
tongues; he was being forced to lick goat 
cheese from the navel of the fleshier of 
the German girls; all the girls shrieked 
with impudent laughter; if X's enemies 
saw him now, what tales they would 
spread! What legends! The girls were vy- 
ing with one another to touch, to fondle, 
to stroke his limp penis, a limp veined 
old carrot of a penis, and the testicles 
delicate and cool as quail's eggs; roughly 
the girls tickled the pubic hair that was 
a coarse yellow-white, like wires; the 
Fraulein had discovered the scar from 
X's abdominal surgery of several years 
ago, an eight-inch scar like a zipper in 
his sallow flesh, and playfully she ran 
manicured red talons up and down the 
scar— Zip zip zip, Herr X!" Tonia, or 
Tanya, panting with desire, had smeared 
her buoyant breasts with whipped cream 


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and her pert little nipples were mara- 
schino cherries X was obliged to eat, how 
she screamed when he bit her, screamed 
and kicked and struck him with her hard 
fists, so that for an instant he was terribly 
afraid. But the French girl was squealing 
in triumph for she'd managed at last to 
stroke X’s penis into a steely rod. All the 
girls exclaimed at its length, its elasticity, 
its healthy burnished-red hue, its throb 
bing heat; greedily they competed to 
hold it, to stroke and caress it, to kiss its 
tip that gleamed with precious juices, the 
very elixir of life. “Stop. No. Please!” X 
begged. For the sensation was almost 
more than he could bear. He was cov 
ered in perspiration and panting as if 
he'd run up the seven flights of stairs to 
this very room. His heart was banging 
like an impatient fist against his rib cage. 
One of the girls had lowered herself over 
his penis, having stroked it to a red-hot 
rod, and had fitted her satiny, smooth 
and muscular vagina over it, thrusting 
herself down upon him, and gripping 
him tightly; X heard his groans like 
strangulation; he was sobbing, and then 
he was laughing; the lights in the bed- 
room were in fact candle flames and 
these flames were now being blown out. 
X pleaded, “Stop! My dignity! Don't you 
know who I am?” And at once the girls 
cried, “Yes, we know who you are, you 
are X, the last man of letters!” And a 
scalding geyser erupted from the very 
pit of his belly; his eyes flew open and his 
heart ceased beating; the astonishment 
of such a moment, the wonder of it; he 
was alive after all, alive, and young, and 
his life lay before him; the shell that was 
X slipped away, he was free, triumphant. 
“Thank you!”—X"s words were sobs, a 
lover's plea, snatched from his throat 
even as consciousness was extinguished 
like a blinding-bright fluorescent light in 
a white-tiled bathroom 

And in the morning, to their shock 
and distress, they found him. After X 
failed to respond to telephone calls and 
anxious knockings at his door, his Ital 
ian publisher, who'd arrived to escort 
X personally to the airport, directed 
the hotel manager to force the double- 
locked door, and there in the darkened 
bedroom lay the old man lifeless on the 
carpet beside his bed, his arms outflung 
as if in protest. Champagne had been 
spilled on the carpet, and on X; there 
was a lurid trace of chocolate on X's gap- 
ing mouth, and what appeared to be 
páté was smeared on his torso and belly; 
his face was deathly pale and his cheeks 
sunken; his dentures were in a water 
glass beside his bed. X’s eyes were star 
ly open, yet sightless; the left eyeball was 
turned up into his head as if peering in- 
side, inquisitively. The publisher crossed 
himself and cried, "ultimo uomo di Lel- 


tere. O Dio. ..." 
EJ 


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216 


KEVIN ГТ (continued from page 152) 


His obsession paid off: He was given $400,000 to 
write the script for the next “Superman” film. 


Jersey looking for locations for two Coke 
commercials Smith is shooting. 

“We're involved in the cola wars now, 
dude,” Smith tells his troops as we cruise 
Red Bank in his green Jeep Cherokee. 
“We should show up on the set with 
some Food Town cola. They'd be like, 
‘Why aren't you drinking Coke?" ‘Coke? 
Who can drink that shit?" The Jeep 
rocks with laughter. 

Clerks also had a profound effect on 
the indie film community. “It’s pretty 
obvious that the first two most influen- 
tial debuts in the Nineties were Clerks 
and The Brothers McMullen,” says produc- 
er John Pierson, author of Spike, Mike, 
Slackers and Dykes, a history of low-bud- 


get films. “We started hearing about 
films described as the ‘Canadian Clerks’ 
and ‘Clerks in a Graveyard.’ One day thi 
guy calls my office and says, ‘My film 
just like Clerks, only without the jokes.” 
And that's when things get scary.” 

After his hit debut, Smith himself was 
full of piss and vinegar. He planned a 
teen hit, a populist bonehead comedy 
about young Americans who roam a mall 
in search of excitement and love. It 
would also be a tribute to Eighties film- 
makers John Hughes and John Landi 
who had moved and entertained 
during his adolescence. He would give it 
a catchy name: Mallrats. Smith's then- 
girlfriend and Mallrats star Joey Lau- 


“Don’t be alarmed, He’s quite harmless and he only 
comes once a year.” 


ren Adams remembers that he told her 
not to consider chickenshit roles because 
this film was going to make her a huge 
star. Instead, the $6.1 million Mallrats 
bombed. It grossed less than Clerks did 
and was eaten alive by critics. 

If dinner with Harvey Weinstein 
naled his arrival with Clerks, there is a 
parallel memory to go along with 1995's 
Mallrats. Smith was in LA driving the 
freeways the week before the film hit the 
theaters. He had a studio movie coming 
out and a new actor-girlfriend in the 
waiflike Adams. He had, in LA terms, 
arrived. “Everything was gangbusters,” 
he remembers. Flipping on the radio, 
Smith came across an easy-listening sta- 
tion where a “chick's voice” announced 
that she had just seen a screening of 
Mallrats. The disc jockey went out of her 
way to warn people about it. “I was just 
like, ‘Wow, that's pretty weird," Smith 
remembers. 

He had clearly misread his own gifts. 
Mallrats’ broad comedy, free-floating 
vulgarity and physical humor are ex- 
actly what he doesn't do well. People 
stayed away. 

At the 1996 Sundance festival, Smith 
ate humble pie, saying, "I want to apolo- 
gize for Mallrats. 1 have no idea what we 
were thinking.” th his career at risk, 
Smith admitted his mistake. But with the 
success of Chasing Amy, he now defends 
the film like it’s a troublesome child no- 
body likes. 

“Personally, I'm a fan of Mallrats. 1 
think that it’s funny, a real watcher. And 
people were just like, Well, this is what 
happens when one of these kids gets 
money, and shit like that. But I think it 
was unfairly bashed, just as I think Clerks 
was overpraised. After Chasing Amy, peo- 
ple said, "The kid has redeemed him- 
ich was really insulting, because 
redeem myself from what? 
What did I do wrong? I made a movie 
you didn't like. But guess what? I'll show 
you 50 fucking people who did like it.” 

Smith contends that Mallrats bypassed 
the critics and urban hipsters who had 
praised Clerks and found its audience in 
the great American leveler: video. It was 
amovie for his people, the dudes of New 
Jersey and elsewhere, the comic book 
readers, the potheads and the dropouts. 

‘Then staying in Los Angeles, Smith 
found that his life had shifted off its 
moorings. His friends were back in New 
Jersey. His sidekick Jason Mewes—who 
played “Jay” in the films—was going 
through a rough period. And Smith was 
no longer the indie golden boy. Still, he 
was desperately in love with Adams—he 
even declared his desire to marry her 
in Time magazine. But he felt her grow 
cold when he talked about staying in 
Los Angeles permanently and starting a 
life with her. When his grandmother 
got sick, Smith went back to Red Bank 
and realized that that was where he be- 
longed. He stayed. 


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Those who applaud Smith's Red Bank 
operation say he has dedicated himself 
to the regional cinema he preached 
about. Critics say he wants to be a mod- 
ern-day Peter Pan, never leaving his sec- 
ond childhood. His films share the same 
actors, characters, in-jokes and geogra- 
phy. As with Mark Leyner or Whit Still- 
man, Smith has built a small world to live 
in, explore and unmask. 

Smith admits that he still hangs with 
the same eight or ten friends he has 
had for years. He indulges his fascina- 
tion with Star Wars and comic books; 
his offices and apartment are crammed 
with everything from replicas of Luke 
Skywalker's light saber to artwork from 
Smith's favorite comic, Batman. Looking 
under his feet as we drive through the 
New Jersey countryside, I see that he has 
even tracked down Caped Crusader dirt. 
mats for his Jeep. 

What other young men found in Dos- 
toyevsky or Burroughs, Smith found in 
the story of Bruce Wayne. “It's just flat- 
out literature with pictures,” he says. “It 
deals thematically with literary terms 
and devices and characters that are so 
exciting. I had no edge as far as culture 
goes until I got into dark, literary com- 
ics." His obsession has even had a Holly- 
wood payoff: He was given $400,000 
to write the script for the next Super- 
man film for Warner Bros. Director Tim 
Burton admired the script when he was 
brought onto the project, then he tossed 
it. But Smith is established as a writer 
Hollywood can go to for the voice of the 
young and the restless. 

In Chasing Amy, his best film, two com- 
ic-book writing buddies are torn apart 
when Holden, played by Ben Affleck, 
falls in love with a lesbian, played by 
Adams. Then, in a replay of Smith's cor- 
duroy hand job crisis, Holden learns 
that his girlfriend has a wild heterosexu- 
al past, including multiple partners. He 
freaks out and the two are torn apart. 

In a way it was his instinct for autobi- 
ography that saved Smith's career. Much 
of the Amy script—apart from the lesbian 
focus—was drawn from his real-life rela- 
tionship with Adams. 

"Holden was definitely the character 
closest to myself I'd ever written," Smith 
admits. “Here's a guy who's a typical 
Nineties liberal male who's like, “Yeah, 
I'm from the suburbs, I got myself a 
black friend, me and my friend do this 
underground comic-book thing, Гуе 
got this girl I like and I'm very OK with 
her homosexual past.’ It’s in the arena 
you imagine he'd be most comfortable 
with—the heterosexual arena—that he 
completely malfunctions.” 

y funny film—a 
taboo-shredding social comedy. Some 
lesbians bristled at the movie, saying it 
reinforced the old canard that all a gay 
woman needs is the right man. For a 
gay-conscious filmmaker such as Smith, 
it was a frustrating accusation. But fans 


and detractors alike had to admit that 
the defiant juvenile of Mallrats had pro- 
duced one of the most emotionally chal- 
lenging films of the year. 

‘The film was a critical triumph that 
earned an impressive $11.1 million at 
the domestic box office. But Smith's rela- 
tionship with Adams was tested by Amy. 
“We had our biggest fight ever on the 
set,” Adams told me when the film was 
released. “We started screaming at each 
other. He's damn witty and a brilliant 
filmmaker, but he has a lazy side to him. 
1 told him he was a bad director, and he 
didn't take it well.” The two broke up in 
June 1997. 

After the split, rumors began to circu- 
late that Adams had dumped Smith for 
rising star Vince Vaughn. Smith posted 
on the View Askew Web site an explana- 
tion and a defense. “She's a funny, funny 
chick, a wonderful person to talk to, 
warm and friendly,” Smith wrote. “But 
she's also extremely self-involved and 
something of a careerist who had an in- 
nate ability to make me feel flawed.” 
Smith said it was he who had broken up 
with Adams and included assessments of 
the relationship (and scathing reviews of 
Adams herself) from Mosier and Affleck. 
It’s almost as if the Internet had become 
Smith’s public scrapbook. 

In his films, women are central and 
empowered, but Smith’s attitude toward 
them is complex. In the Odyssey there is a 
midterm evaluation from a woman who 
taught writing at Eugene Lang College, 
which Smith attended briefly: “Kevin is a 
good writer. He has wit, a command of 
language. Honestly, though, his depic- 
tions of women in vulnerable positio 
being taken advantage of sexually and 
violently, are very disturbing.” And yet 
the scrapbook also includes a love poem 
from the unlucky “Amy” that shows the 
other side of the director: “You never let 
me fall/You seem to understand exactly 
what I want to say before I speak.” 

Smith's films alternate between the 
highest romanticism and a brutally clear 
and distressed evaluation of his female 
characters. The director says he loves 
women (and “their genitalia”), but in his 
life and films he does invest them with 
great power—he admits to “deifying” 
Adams—and then resents them when 
they use it. Adams told me that she was 
puzzled by Smith's statement that she 
was the funniest woman he'd ever met. 
She thought that was going overboard, 
almost as if Smith were endowing her 
with dazzling qualities he wished her to 
possess. 

Smith believes women learn faster 
than men and thus hold the upper hand 
in most relationships; they are cannier. 

Every woman I've met, even teenagers, 
is fucking well beyond her years,” says 
the director. “They have a cold-hearted 
alization of the world. Women have al- 
ad the goods on every guy I've 


Smith's Web site, his ruthlessly honest 
interviews and his films all represent a 
kind of ongoing public therapy. “You get 
to put it out there, and you always feel 
less alone after a movie comes out, be- 
cause you get to see how many other 
people are as fucked up as you are. After 
Chasing Amy, 1 was shocked at how many 
guys were like, ‘I know exactly what 
you're talking about—my old lady's a 
whore, too!" 

With Amy, Smith also went all out in 
the matter of homoeroticism, topped off 
by the scene in which Affleck kisses co- 
star Jason Lee on the lips. It’s a subject 
not confined to his films. Hanging out 
with the View Askew posse for a few 
days, one is struck by how rampant gay 
humor is here. When we visit Smith's 
comic-book store (bought with the pro- 
ceeds from Clerks), his longtime friend 
Bryan is bchind the counter. "Kevin has 
made several passes at me" is one of the 
first things Bryan says, and they instant- 
ly crack up. Jason Mewes kids that the 
director requires him to dress up in frilly 
costumes on special occasions. The jokes 
are almost reflexive. 

Smith, who has a gay brother, believes 
sexuality is much more fluid than people 
think, and that what prevents people 
from playing both ways is not lack of 
desire but social taboos. Highlands was 
not a hotbed of tolerance when it came 
to gays. As a fat kid, Smith often made 
a joke about his weight before others 
could—and the same goes for homosex- 
uality. "I realize you have tendencies in 
cither direction, but eventually you pick 
a hole and stick with it, But that's not to 
say you can't ever have a fucking-across- 
the-line thought in your life.” 

If Smith decides to cross the line, AF- 
fleck had better watch his ass. “Ben 
fleck is the king of my world,” says 
Smith. “He's the only male crush ГЇЇ 
probably ever have. Ben is a god among 
men.” 

If bisexuality weren't controversial 
enough, Smith's next film will tackle or- 
ganized religion with a raucous, black 
comic energy. Dogma is the story of two 
disgraced angels (Mau Damon and Af- 
fleck) whose attempts to re-enter heav- 
en may bring worldwide apocalypse. A 
young Catholic woman (Linda Fiorenti- 
no) who works at Planned Parenthood is 
chosen to stop them. Along for the ride 
are a monster made of shit, a militant 
13th apostle (Chris Rock) who reveals 
that Jesus is black, various horrors from 
hell and a female Godhead. If members 
of the Catholic League don't picket this 
one, they're comatose. 

It will surprise many to learn that 
h is genuinely religious. He attend- 
'atholic school and still shows up at 
mass regularly. When, in his early 20s, 
he began to have doubts about his faith 
and found the Catholic mass “dry and 
lip-servicey," he went to a priest for 
advice and was told that faith can be 


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compared to liquid. “When you're a 
young kid, you're a shot glass that's easy 
to fill. But the older you get, the bigger 
the glass gets. The amount of liquid that 
filled the shot glass isn't going to fill a 
tumbler.” 

Smith went out to fill his tumbler. He 
read voraciously on Christian subjects, 
looked into other religions, read the 
Apocrypha, tried a Pentecostal congrega- 
tion and generally thought hard about 
faith. Dogma is the result. 

The film combines Smith’s beloved 
dick jokes with the Old Testament. 
Smith swears he isn't trying for shock 
value; it's just that this is his sensibility. 
“It's the idea of saying ‘fucking God" 
without being blasphemous; it's a very 
human experience,” says the director. 
“To me Dogma is a reverent script. It's 
pro-faith, pro: It looks at what we 
built around religion.” 

What scared Smith before he began 
shooting Dogma was not the possibility of 
a religious backlash but the personal fear 
that, visually speaking, he would not be 
able to pull off the most complex, ef- 
fects-laden picture of his career. Clerks 
proved that Smith could write snappy 
dialogue. Chasing Amy proved he could 
write emotionally complex adult dia- 
logue. Dogma would be different: Smith's 
no-holds-barred attempt to show the 
world that he could be a visual stylist as 
well as a literary one. “I was terrified,” 
he admits. 

Now that the film is in the can, Smith 
believes he has succeeded—in spades. 
“If the naysayers walk away from this 
movie saying, ‘He still sucks visually,” 
well, this is about the best I can do. I 
don't want to sound arrogant, but I real- 
ly pulled it off—it looks phenomenal.” 
As he edits the film down to its planned 
two-and-a-half-hour running time, 
Smith seems almost intoxicated by what 
he is seeing. "I'd be shocked if Ben Af- 
fleck didn't get an Oscar nomination,” 
he said. Whether Smith is again tempt- 
ing the fates that buried Mallrats will be 
known only when, if all goes according 
to plan, he unveils Dogma next spring. 

Despite their juvenile trappings, all of 
Smith's films have involved a search for 
faith—in working-class dreams, in wom- 
en, in male friendship and in God. In an 
era of $100 million films about nothing, 
such a theme is increasingly rare. But as 
he gears up for Dogma, Smith is con- 
vinced his singular film odyssey is not 
in vain. 

“I watched Die Hard and loved it,” says 
Smith. “But I'm not that guy. I would 
not jump off a building, shoot a terrorist 
or take my shirt off in public. But I watch 
something like Chasing Amy and I'm like. 
"Well, I know that guy pretty damn well." 
And, you know, there's got to be more 
people out there like me.” 


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SEX STANS 1998 


(continued from page 155) 
just starting in Hollywood, paired up 
with smoldering Spaniard Antonio Ban- 
deras to win American audiences in The 
Mask of Zorro. The names of Cameron 
Diaz, 25, and Jim Carrey (at 36, an elder 
statesman in this crowd) on theater mar- 
quees virtually guaranteed box-office 
success. No longer did producers re- 
quire the signing of a Mel Gibson, a 
Bruce Willis, a Michelle Pfeiffer or a 
Meryl Streep before they would green- 
light a project. These days it's the boyish 
charm of a DiCaprio, Damon or Affleck 
that draws teenage girls, the new targets 
of marketing mavens. Hollywood's new 
motto, apparently, is Youth Must Be 
Served. 

That said, no woman in her right mind 
would kick Sean Connery or Clint East- 
wood, each a robust 68, or Robert Red- 
ford, 61, off the screen—or out of bed. 
(Iwo of the sexiest male stars of the 
decade are Antonio Banderas, 38, and 
George Clooney, 37, not exactly teeny- 
boppers.) Nor would most guys spurn 
52-year-old but perennially sexy Susan 
Sarandon. But the buzz is all about a 
much younger generation of actors, 
many of whom cut their teeth on televi- 
sion. As entertainment industry analyst 
Jae Kim pointed out to USA Today re- 
porter Janet Weeks: “The most effective 
casting tool in Hollywood today is TV 
Guide.” 

DiCaprio got his start on ABC-TV's 
Growing Pains. Neve Campbell, Wild 
Things’ teen rape victim and queen of 
the Scream franchise, and Jennifer Love 
Hewitt of Can't Hardly Wait and the I 
Know What You Did Last Summer movies, 
come from the cast of Party of Five. De- 
nise Richards, also of Wild Things, did 
guest shots on Married With Children, 
Seinfeld and Lois and Clark before nab- 
bing a breakthrough role in Starship 
Troopers. Sarah Michelle Gellar landed 
Last Summer and the forthcoming Cruel 
Inventions (yet another riff on the play 
Dangerous Liaisons) on the strength of her 
series Buffy the Vampire Slayer—which, in 
an odd twist, is a hit TV show based on 
а so-so 1992 movie. Also tube-tested 
are Calista (Ally McBeal) Flockhart, Will 
(Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) Smith, Melrose 
Place's Heather Locklear, herself a veter- 
an of TJ. Hooker and Dynasty, and the 
horny teens from Dawson's Creek, Mi- 
chelle ims, James Van Der Beek 
Holmes, cast in Halloween: 
H20, Varsity Blues and Disturbing Behav- 
ior, respectively. Catherine Zeta-Jones 
came to Britain's attention in the series 
Darling Buds of May—and was spotted on 
Amer TV's Hallmark production of 
Titanic by Steven Spielberg, who got her 
cast in Zorro. Salma Hayek, before mov- 
ing north, was the queen of Mexican 
soap operas. In the U.S. this year, she 
made five films, notably 54 and Dogma, 


and is producing and starring in Frida, 
the biography of artist Frida Kahlo. An- 
other veteran of a youth spent on TV, 
Rick Schroder (the spoiled teen of Silver 
Spoons), is settling into the NYPD Blue 
role left vacant by Jimmy Smits for sup- 
posedly greener Hollywood pastures. 
Clooney, the roguish heartthrob of TV's 
top-rated ER, will follow Smits off the 
small screen at the end of this season. It 
remains to be seen whether his smoky 
charisma will create as many sparks on 
the big screen as it does on the small one. 
Jennifer Lopez, in Out of Sight, has come 
closest of any of his movie partners to 
tapping into Clooney's sexual chemistry. 
(She sings, too, with a recording contract 
under her belt.) Maria Bello has already 
departed ER for screen roles opposite 
Ben Stiller in Permanent Midnight, the 
true story of writer Jerry Stahl’s descent 
into and rehab from a drug addiction, 
and in Payback, a thriller opposite Mel 
Gibson. But series regulars Julianna 
Margulies, Gloria Reuben and ballsy 
Brit newcomer Alex Kingston, hither- 
to best known on this side of the Atlantic 
as Ralph Fiennes’ ex-wife, will keep the 
gurneys rolling in the top-rated hospi- 
tal drama. 

Over at Baywatch—for nearly a decade 
the world’s incubator of well-developed 
sex goddesses—Playmates Donna D’Er- 
rico and Marliece Andrada and cast- 
mate Traci Bingham found themselves 
cast ashore along with Carmen Electra 
(Gena Lee Nolin voluntarily joined the 
exodus). Donna hit a new beach with 
MTV's Prima Donna апа a TV movie 
comedy, Men in White, while Heidi Mark, 
Miss July 1995, set sail as cruise director 
on The Love Boat: The Next Wave. Another 
PLAYBOY pictorial subject with a new gig 
was Downtown Julie Brown, formerly of 
MTV and E, who is hosting a lifestyle 
show for the recently launched Cigar TV 
network. 

One exception to Tinseltown's TV- 
training-ground rule is South African 
native Charlize Theron, 23, whose ca- 
reer as a ballet dancer was cut short by a 
knee injury. As versatile as she is sexy, 
Charlize switched to acting and her im- 
pressive work in 1997's The Devil’s Advo- 
cate helped land her parts in Mighty Joe 
Young, The Astronaut’s Wife and Woody 
Allen's next project, Celebrity. 

This was also a year of lists—from the 
100 best films to Movieline's 100 dumbest 
things Hollywood has done lately. The 
British magazine FHM ranked the 100 
sexiest women in the world, with the top 
spot going to PLAYBOY's Jenny McCarthy 
(while pictorial subject Carmen Electra 
took the prominent number six spot). 
After getting off to a rocky start in two 
television series, Jenny resurfaced in 
the wacky screen comedy Baseketball and 
is booked as Betty in the forthcoming 
movie musical version of the comic strip 
Archie. She's also in line for the Farrah 


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224 


Fawcett role in the projected Charlie’s 
Angels. 

Among hardworking supermodels, 
Elle Macpherson became, according to 
the British magazine Business Age, the 
world’s wealthiest (estimated worth: 
$38.4 million)—and a mother, to boot. 
Naomi Campbell did a good deed, host- 
ing a benefit fashion show in South Af- 
rica for the Nelson Mandela Children's 
Fund. ptaysoy's 1997 Playmate of the 
Year, Victoria Silvstedt, posed with twin 
models Derek and Keith Brewer on 
photographer Victor Skrebneski's sexy 
1998 Chicago Film Festival poster, then 
turned over her PMOY crown to school- 
teacher Karen McDougal, who took a 
break from the classroom to pursue 
fame and fortune in Hollywood. Cindy 
Crawford, second only to Elle in Business 
Age's monied-model rankings ($35.9 
million) married restaurateur Rande 
Gerber, posed for a provocative PLAYBOY 
portfolio by photographer Herb Ritts 
and signed a multishow deal with ABC- 
TV. The first special in the series bore an 
irresistible title: Sex With Cindy Crawford. 

From the world of music, violinist Lin- 
da Brava and Ginger Spice Geri Hal- 
liwell bared their physical assets in 
PLAYBOY and their instrumental and vo- 
cal talents onstage. Geri also made 
tabloid news when, after her abrupt de- 
parture from the Spice Girls, she re- 
ceived a gushy goodbye note from 
Prince Charles. 

The Internet is still humming along as 
a home base for sex stars, with model 
Cindy Margolis the girl most frequently 
downloaded for a second straight year. 
Pamela Anderson may wish she were 
less visible on the World Wide Web, giv- 
en widely disseminated videos of sexca- 
pades with her soon-to-be ex-husband, 


Tommy Lee, and with a former flame, 
Poison's Bret Michaels. But Pam is do- 
ing very well her new syndicated 
television series, VIP, in which she runs a 
celebrity-bodyguard agency. 

Sports fans of varied persuasions had 
their own idols to admire this year, in- 
cluding boxing's Oscar de la Hoya, the 
NBA's Michael Jordan, French soccer 
hero Zinedine Zidane, tennis wunder- 
kind Anna Kournikova and WNBA star 
Lisa Leslie. 

Who's Dating Whom has been a popu- 
lar media pasume since the days of Hed- 
da Hopper and Louella Parsons, but this 
year it seemed as if our young idols were 
playing a game of Musical Stars. Gwyn- 
eth Paltrow, after her widely publicized 
split from Brad Pitt, was soon seen on 
the arm of Ben Affleck, whose Good Will 
ing co-star, Matt Damon, broke up 
love interest in that movie, Min- 
nie Driver, in favor of Winona Ryder. 
Minnie, meanwhile, has taken up with 
the Foo Fighters’ drummer, Taylor Haw- 
kins. Pitt has reportedly been seeing 
Friends’ Jennifer Aniston or Maria Pitil- 
lo of House Rules and Godzilla, depend- 
ing on which gossip show you follow. 
(Actually, after Seven Years in Tibet, Pitt 
vanished into thin air. He's been film- 
ing two remakes: the imminent Meet Joe 
Black, based on the 1934 Fredric March 
classic Death Takes a Holiday, and Ambrose 
Chapel, a retrofit of The Man Who Knew 
Too Much. He's also working on a film of 
Fight Club, from a debut novel by recent 
University of Oregon grad Chuck Pa- 
lahniuk.) Liv Tyler, whose beauty and 
talents have been enlisted by directors 
Bernardo Bertolucci, Milos Forman, Oli- 
ver Stone and Robert Altman, dates ac- 
tor Joaquin (Return to Paradise, Clay Pi- 
geons) Phoenix. Drew Barrymore, all 


"I know you can't forget, but can you forgive?” 


grown up and relatively settled down in 
such fare as The Wedding Singer and the 
Cinderella update Ever After, is dating 
actor Luke Wilson. After a three-year 
bicoastal romance, Cameron Diaz split 
from her Something About Mary co-star 
Matt Dillon, who, Premiere speculated, 
may have a Dorian Gray-style portrait in 
his attic, for his dark good looks remain 
the same as they were 14 years ago in 
The Flamingo Kid. 

There have been rumors, so far un- 
substantiated, that Jim Carrey—hot off 
The ‘Truman Show and busy with remakes 
of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and The 
Incredible Mr. Limpet—is reconciling with 
his erstwhile wife, Lauren Holly, and 
that Halle Berry is doing likewise with 
her ballplayer ex, David Justice. (Car- 
rey, however, showed up unattached for 
the Midsummer Night's Dream party 
at Playboy Mansion West, and our only 
sports news concerning Halle is that 
she's scheduled to make a boxing movie, 
Ringside, directed by fight fan Norman 
Mailer.) 

So who's waiting in the wings for a 
chance at sex stardom? Our crystal 
ball—along with everyone else's—was 
slightly clouded last year, when we pre- 
dicted big things for Matthew McCon- 
aughey, Ewan McGregor and Jenny Mc- 
Carthy in 1998. They're all still here, but 
1998 hasn't seen them in their prime. 
McConaughey, who made a greater im- 
pression on fan-mag writers than he did 
at ticket windows in Amistad and The 
Newton Boys, is branching out to direc- 
tion (a short documentary) and produc- 
tion (Last Flight of the Raven, no relation 
to the Carmen Electra vehicle). He also 
stars in Ed TV, due out next year, which 
sounds all too derivative of The Truman 
Show. McGregor has made six movies 
this year, but at this writing only Velvet 
Goldmine has been released. Next year, 
however, he will produce and star (as 
James Joyce) in Nora, based on the work 
by the Irish novelist, and will portray the 
young Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: 
Episode 1. 

We're willing to climb out on a limb 
again, but this time we're betting on the 
girls. Christina Ric matured since 
her gig as Wednesday in The Addams 
Family movies, vamping shamelessly in 
The Opposite of Sex and Buffalo 66. “1 
don't think ГЇЇ be reformed until Pm 
well into my 50s,” she told one inter- 
viewer. We hope not. Reese Wither- 
spoon amazed as a slutty teen in the 
underestimated Twilight, starring Paul 
Newman and Susan Sarandon, and she's 
due next year in that Dangerous Liaisons 
remake, Cruel Inventions. Gretchen Mol? 
Vanity Fair names her the It Girl. 

Here at тлувоу: After meeting her 
and being bowled over by her personali- 
ty, we're laying our entire grubstake on 
Cameron Diaz. She's a natural. 


неыва officel PARTY 

(continued from page 106) 
your wit and gives you the power to read 
minds. Go for the highest quality you 
can find—something aged at least 12 
years. No generic brands. Any scotch 
made in Detroit, for example, is not a 
legitimate clixir for our purposes. You 
want to get a few under your belt right 
away, and then you can make small talk 
with your supervisors and licutenants. 
Nothing substantial is going to occur un- 
til you get into your new mantle of su- 
perhuman scotchoid. You'll want to have 
some kind of snack so you don't peak too 
suddenly. You want the scotch to blend 
in. You don't have to worry about avoid- 
ing garlic or salsa or onion dip because 
another wonderful thing about scotch is 
that it’s the ultimate disinfectant and 
mouthwash, It destroys апу 
comes across. Feel free to go for the most 
vile offerings on the buffet table—salami, 
beef jerky, whatever. They're no match 
for a great scotch. 

I was a child of the Sixties—I've done 
it all—but I think scotch is the perfect 
nothing-makes-you-smarter drink. It’s 
psychedelic, too. You really feel like you 
can see through walls, and you could 
have a flashback to the days of love-ins. 


IMBIBING 


Go two double scotches in the first ten 
minutes. That's straight up or on the 
rocks. I prefer rocks. No soda, no water. 
Then you can go one to two double 
scotches an hour. You wouldn't want to 
do more than 12 double scotches, proba- 
bly. One of the great things about scotch 
is that it’s the most controllable form of 
alcohol. It burns at an even rate. There 
are no sudden spikes of inebriation. Be- 
ing a purist, I would never touch a punch 
bowl. You know damn well that the kid 
from the mail room has poured in some 
Grateful Dead substance. You don’t want 
anything to put you off your game. I'ma 
strong believer in designated drivers. 
‘Take a cab. You don’t want to risk ev- 
erything for one mad moment behind 


the wheel. 
ALLIES AND ENEMIES 


Never take a date unless it's someone 
with whom you have an absolute under- 
standing. One of the best things you can 
do is take someone from your office 
clique—someone who has her own agen- 
da and will be running down the same 
moves. If it's an ally, you can work in 
concert. Never take a date you're going 
to have to pander and cater to through- 
out the party because, after all, it’s part 
celebration, part commando raid. You're 
there trying to work magic. It's the one 
time of year when the rigid corporate 
structure is in disarray. You want to be 
able to float around like a ninja with all 


your senses finely tuned and enhanced 
by 12-year-old scotch. 

The best way to snake someone's wom- 
an is to find that brief moment when 
you can sidle up to her. You don't have 
to speak to her direcily—just get with- 
in her auditory range while he's distract- 
ed. For example, 1 like to back up to a 
woman, pretend Um talking to some- 
body else and then say something that 
would be embarrassing to your rival, 
like, “Gee, Jerry's transplants look great. 
It’s like a natural hairline,” or "Jerry's 
calf implants are wonderful. If I had 
skinny calves, I'd do that,” or “Sure, Jer- 
ry has a great smile. Dental plates are 
cheap.” Or just impugn his ethics and 
morality—"Yeah, Jerry was with Joey 
Buttafuoco that night. How he got off I'll 
never know.” Those kinds of comments 
work on a woman's mind in the most 
subtle ways. 

Look for the married guy who takes 
off his wedding ring when he attends a 
party. I always keep a pocketful of wed- 
ding rings. When the married guy is 
hovering over some delectable creature, 
walk up with a wedding ring and say, 
“Jerry, 1 found this on the washbasin. Is 
it yours?” 


THE BUFFET LINE 


You don't go to a party to diet. If your 
eyes are crossing regularly, if you're 
seeing double or quadruple, get some 
fat into your system fast—a good sour 
cream-based clam dip or any kind of 
sausage in a blanket or ice cream will do. 
You need something to cut the absorp- 
tion of alcohol. But if you're feeling OK, 
avoid the food. A real scotch drinker can 
control his intake so that when his eyes 
are just starting to cross, he can, through 
force of will, separate them and keep 
them on track. 

You're going to want to make use of 
the cookies. Holiday cookies are mainly 
fun props—put them over your eyes and 
pretend you're a blind man or stick a 
chocolate chip cookie to your forehead 
and ask if anybody has any Clearasil. 


POSITIONING ONESELF 


Once you're in the zone, you have to 
stake out an area to perform in. You 
need a place to run your show. I like the 
Xerox room and its paper supply, be- 
cause you can make paper airplanes—a 
true art. They're fun and they have that 
poke-somebody's-eye-out quality that 
can be so exciting. 

In every office there's a prim and 
proper woman, most often the boss’ sec- 
retary, who at the holiday party is the 
one who gets up on the coflee machine 
and dances topless. You want to draw 
her into your sphere as quickly as pos- 
sible. She'll act as a magnet and draw 
others into your orbit. By the time you 
get to the Xerox-your-butt stage of the 


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PLAYBOY 


226 


party, you are master of the entire situa- 
tion. If one of your rivals is on some 
game that's drawing a bigger crowd, you 
have to work harder. You have to Xerox 
a butt without underpants. You have to 

in. It’s like any other form of 
ness—it's competitive. You have 
to do your best. At this point, there's 
bound to be an office conga line. That's 
when you take the party from your pow- 
er base and snake your way around the 
entire facility. That's when you express, 
in conerete terms, that you're a people 
person and that you have an elevated 
appreciation for humanity, though most 
people you despise on an individual ba- 
sis. A conga line is a great common de- 
nominator. You just grab some hips and 


join in. There's no discrimination. It's 


where people from the loading dock can 
mingle with management and the FedEx 
delivery guys can grab on to the boss’ 
secretary. It's just one big, happy, twisted 
DNA chain of humanity working its way 
around the office. 


MANAGING THE BOSS 


Sooner or later you're going to steal 
focus from whatever the boss is doing. 
You may notice that the boss is left in an 
impotent, innocuous position, sitting in 
his office with only the most sycophantic 
of his agents still hanging on while the 
party is like fireworks outside his door. 
"That's when you move in. Have some 
sort of agenda to run down on him, and 
have it planned out ahead of time. You 
have to go through the back door with 
this kind of brownnosing. You can't be 
direct, like, “Have you lost weight?” or, 
“I didn’t even know that was a rug.” 
Find out his ethnic background and 
compliment him accordingly: “I've al- 
ways felt the Lithuanians are such bril- 
liant people.” If you can, mention a fa- 
mous Lithuanian: “If Vaclav Hershel 
hadn't invented the convex lens, all 
hyperopic people would be in a terri- 
ble jam right now. What would have 
happened to the world?" It's a way of 
stroking someone without being an ob- 


WORKING ? 


WELL, ANOTHER 
BROTHER CLAUS! 
WHAI 


NT DE! 
STORE ARE YOU 


vious brownnoser. 

I find I get very emotional when I 
drink scotch, so it's a chance to really 
share my feelings and get a little misty- 
eyed about last year’s profit-sharing 
plan. It's the one time you can hug yor 
boss or, if you're really successful, 
him on the mouth. A kiss on the mouth 
has more power than is visible to the 
naked eye for two reasons: One, it may 
be the highlight of his night romanti 
ly, and two, it may be the most embar- 
rassing moment of the year for him. In 
the latter case, you have something on 
him. He's going to be conscious of that 
for the rest of your tenure at the firm, 
however brief it may be. You can always 
say, “He ated it.” 


ASSESSING THE PARTY 
GUESTS 


You can tell how drunk a woman is by 
how high her knees lift when she's doing 
the watusi and how quickly her head 
snaps from side to side when she's doing 
the jerk. Just watch the dancers and you 
can quickly find an easy mark. Also, by 
the middle of the evening, figure out 
who at the party has remained the most 
sober and get him or her to promise to 
drive you home. 


WORKING THE ROOM 


Be a people person. Say hello to every- 
one. It's easy when you're loaded. Take 
extra effort to make eye contact with 
people you wouldn't usually give the 
time of day. Just bond. You never know 
when you're going to need a favor from 
somebody. Try to learn people's names, 
for goodness’ sake. People are happy 
when others know they exist. It’s good 
to have a party list. That's part of the 
homework—to know who's going to be 
there. Go through your photos from last 
year’s party. 

It's always great to carry a mistletoe 
harness. You can make one with a coat 
hanger. It goes around your neck and 
up the back and hangs over your head. 


OH, I'M NOT. 
THIS SUIT WAS A 
SURPRISE FROM MY, 

WIFE FOR THE 

HOLIDAYS! 


When a worthy target presents itself, you 
can slip it on and say, “Oh, look where 
we are!” 

Making out on the sofa where the 
coats and bags have been thrown is ab- 
solutely proper. It’s easy to go through 
wallets—not with the intent of stealing 
anything but to learn which neighbor- 
hoods people live in and who might be 
worth getting to know. Look for coun- 
try club membership cards, who has a 
gold card, who doesn't. Sometimes a fre- 
quent flier card means a cheap compan- 
ion ticket. 

If you can accidentally mistake some- 
one else's Armani for your Mani, who's 
going to know? It's a difference of about 
$2000. There's always the chance that 
you won't get called on it. 


THE DEPARTURE 


I'm a big fan of the phantom exit. If 
you've done your work properly, you've 
sort of mind-fucked the be Wait for 
some of the key players to leave, and al- 
ways leave after your office rival, because 
a few well-placed comments will plant 
the seeds for his undoing. 

Wait for things to quiet down and 
when you know your boss is watching, 
do a little cleanup. Show that you're a 
team player. Help straighten up the buf- 
fet table and collect some empties. Show 
that you're Mr. Ecology and separate 
glass bottles by color. Make sure you're 
in your boss’ sight line, but never estab- 
lish eye contact. 

Another way to endear yourself to 
your superior is to serve as a bodyguard. 
If your boss is making out with his sec- 
retary or 2 co-worker in the corner of 
his office, brace yourself in the door. 
Be a human rampart. He'll be grateful. 
Those little contributions help. 

Whatever you do, don’t crash at the 
party. If you do, you prove you're no 
. You are of the lower caste 
an untouchable. A true samurai 
never lets the flag touch the ground. 


PLAYMATE SNEWS 


After barreling down the drive- 
way of Playboy Mansion West in the 
wake of its big send-off (see Playmate 
News, November), the Playmate 2000 
Search Bus headed north on the first 
leg of its 47-city quest for 
the lady who will grace the 
Centerfold of the January 
2000 issue of PLAYBOY. 

Aboard the Search Bus, 
photographers and crew 
members looked forward to 
the first wave of Playmate 
candidates who would greet them in 
Vancouver, British Columbia. And 
they weren't disappointed. As 
America gave way to 
Canada, hordes 
of comely 
Vancouver- 
ites began de- 
scending on 
the rolling cara- 
van, each one 
eager to fill 


"The arrival of the bus at its next 
stop, Seattle, was dampened by some 
healthy competition: a Garth Brooks 
concert. But Garthmania soon ebbed, 
and women began milling around the 
Search Bus, which was parked in the 
shadow of the Space Needle. A local 
artist named Shannon happened up- 
on the bus on her way to pick up her 
car from a repair shop. Next thing 
she knew, she was defrocked and de- 
mure before Mecey’s lens. 

The Vancouver and Seattle turn- 
outs were eye-openers, but Portland 
really got our blood pumping. Ac- 
cording to search chronicler 
Leif Ueland, “Not only 
were the Portland 

candidates 

pretty, but 

they were also 

on fire with a 

kind of animal 
magnetism that 
came as a sur- 
prise to even 


mue ee‏ و 
loosen her 2000 candi- team mem-‏ 
buttons and dates in the bers. Some-‏ 
smile for great Northwest where along‏ 
Polaroids. (from lelt): Sara the way the‏ 
Among (Seattle), Delia (Port- planets‏ 
the many land), Tamela (Port- shift-‏ 
Playmate land), Jodi (Vancouver) ed, and‏ 
and Corrie (Portland) things got‏ 


hopefuls were 
Careyanne, a beauty who 

said her grandmother had persuaded 
her to come on down; earthy Julia, a 
daughter of hippies who enjoys “cele- 
brating nudity"; and Jassy, a payroll 
clerk in the Canadian military. 

Soon the media began filing re- 
ports on the Playmate auditions, trig- 
gering an avalanche of women ready 
to squeeze into a bikini (or less) for 
search photographer David Mecey, 
who then digitally transmitted the 
images back to search headquarters 
in Chicago. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS — DECEMBER 


December 7: Miss February 1967 
Kim Farber 

December 10: Miss November 1995 

| Holly Wie 

December 11: Miss December 1986 

| Laurie Carr 

| December 13: Miss February 1959 

| Eleanor Bradley 

| December 14: Miss May 1973 

| Anulka Dziubinska 


very sexy, very fast.” 

And that was just the first three 

stops on the search. Only 44 more 
cities to go. Stay tuned. 


40 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


The 50-cent December 1958 
issue was a collector's dream, fea- 
turing fiction by Garson Kanin: 
We're Running a Litile Late (the 
plot: “Can a glamorous movie 
star find happiness in the arms of 
a lowly photographer?”), a yule- 
tide gift guide (dig that 
snazzy walnut-and-For- 
mica bar) and a spe- 
cial Fifth-Anniversary 
Scrapbook (including 


5 П ш ` 
Joyce: On the dock, on the cover. 


a vintage shot of Hef in top hat 
and tails and a photograph of the 
new Playboy Building in Chi- 
cago). But the issue's real prize 
was at its stapled center: Decem- 
ber Playmate—and “merry Mia- 
mi model" —Joyce Nizzari. Five 
months earlier, Joyce had donned 
shades and a Rabbit Head bikini 
for a PLAYBOY cover that was an 
instant classic. As we explained in 
Joyce's Centerfold copy: "Letters 
came pouring in, demanding, 
"Who is she? Take off those sun- 
glasses! Make her a Playmate!’ 
So we did. 


Mast Playmate experts can identify a Centerfold by her face. But how many fans con name that 
dame by body type or clothing alane? Below, we've hidden the countenances of five Playmates 
whose looks ore unique ta their eros. Navices need only pick the decades; aficionados should 
go for the women's names. (Answers are on the next page.) 


ы | 


My 
Favorite Playmates 
By Roger Elot 


it's a tie between Miss De- 

cember 1968 Cynthia Myers 

and Miss May 1966 Dolly Read. 

Why this pair? Because 

they both starred in 

Russ Meyer's Beyond 

the Valley of the Dolls— 

which I wrote. Dolly 

played the lead sing- 

er of a rock trio who 

y ditches her loyal boy- 

friend-manager to sign 

up with a “teenage ty- 

coon of rock” and 

shack up with a 

gigolo. Cynthia 

played another trio 

member, who later 

spurns that same 

hapless boyfriend 

and turns to lesbi- 

anism. According 

to Leonard Maltin's 

Movie & Video Guide, 

| the film made two 

ten-best lists of Sev- 

enties films. And I have even 

heard rumors that it might be 

remade. That would be unwise, 
since it is one of a kind. 


Dear Maria Checa: 
Thad to write you to let you know I 
think you're one of the most beautiful 
women in the world. And 
I mean that sincerely. 
1 am single, and I 
have dreamed of find- 
ing someone like you. 
In addition to your 
Playmate pictorial, I 
have seen your many 
photos over the years. 
I have watched your 
Playmate video. And I 
am convinced that you 
are sweet and special. This 
may sound crazy, but I 
think of you as a Colom- 
bian Cinderella. Unique 
in every way—from your 
magnificent smile to your 
voice (on the video). 


Miss Soptombor 
1985 1971 


Miss September 


Venice Kong Crystal Smith 


Miss April 
1997 1956 1967 
Kelly Monaco 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


I just had to let you know how I 
feel. Best of luck and God bless you 
Michael Gonzales 
Socorro, New Mexico 


QUOTE UNQUOTE 


You've probably seen Miss June 
1997 Carrie Stevens on TV recently, 
either featured in a Playmate special 
on E or guest-starring on Beverly Hills 
90210. Next up? A role in Black Scor- 
pion, a new series in which Carrie 
plays “an evil belly dancer who lures 
information from men and then gets 
them to do whatever she wants." 

Q: What's the key to belly dancing? 
A: It's all in the hips. You have to pre- 
tend they're the only bones in your 
body. I had started taking belly danc- 
ing lessons just for the hell of it, then 
T got this part. 
Q: Has anyone ever tried to lure you 
onto a casting couch? 
A: No one has directly told me that 
he'd give me a part if I had sex with 
him. But I have 
met guys who 
have tried that 
old line, "I can 
help you with 
your career." 
That really 
makes me mad. 
Q: How does 
a guy win you 
over? 
A: I tend to 
choose men 
instead of go- 
ing with the ones who choose 
me. I can look at a guy just once— 
without even speaking to him—and 
know whether I'm going to sleep 
with him. 
Q: How do you do that? What do you 
look for? 
A: It's hard to explain. It's in his eyes, 
the way he stands, his presence. 1 pick 
up on people's energies. I'm in tune 
with all that spiritual stuff. I get weird 
psychic vibes. And I can always spot a 
guy who just wants to get laid. 
Q: What's the worst pick-up line that 
you've heard? 
A: Some guy came up to me recently 
and said, “Hi, Fm a PLAYBOY photog- 
rapher.” I said, "That's funny, be- 
cause I'm a Playmate and I've never 
met you.” That did the trick. 


Miss August Miss April 


Jonnie Nicely Gwen Wong 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


PLAYBOY Playmates have both 
ends of the tooth-care spectrum 
covered: Miss February 1998 
Julia Schultz appears in her 
first national TV spot, for 
„ Starburst fruit chews, 

^ while Miss August 1995 
4 Rachel Jeán Marteen 
smiles it up in a com- 

& mercial for Plus White 
=> toothpaste. . . . Hugh 
Hefner popped in at the recent 
Glamourcon festivities in Los An- 
geles. Hef greeted his fans, shook 
hands, signed autographs and 
hammed it up for the cameras 
with, among other Playmates, 


, 


Het ond Tina da Glomcurcon. 


Miss May 1990 Tina Bockrath. . . . 
No, you're not mistaken, that is 
Miss July 1997 Daphnee Lynn 
Duplaix lending her good looks 
to a national print ad for Durex 
condoms. Daphnee will also log 
in as co-host of The Profession, a 
vignette series coming soon to 
Playboy TV. . . . Miss September 
1997 Nikki Schieler appears in 
an indie film called Six Pennies 
and a Handgun. No surprise in 
casting: She plays a “fantasy 
dream girl.” ... In terms of 
videos, 1998 was great for Play- 
mate of the Year Karen McDou- 
gal. Not only 

does Karen 

star in her Vid- 

eo Centerfold, 

but she also 

graces the 

box cover of 

the newly re- 

leased 1999 

ee [шше 

Calendar. 

Most enter- McDougol’s i 
prising proj- Video double take 
ect of the month: a new how-to 
book co-authored by Miss March 
1990 Deborah Driggs. The sub- 
ject? Pubic-hair grooming. Go 
ahead and laugh—we've already 
ordered our copy. 


4 ACCUTRON 


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Style #26B00 Men's ~ Style #26M00 Ladies’ 


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Available at Fine Jewelers 


We propose a toast 
to 45 years of an 
outstanding publication. 


Wow, look, 


there are articles in here. 


é 
a 


N - 
DR. 


CHIVAS REGAL. YOU EITHER HAVE lt OR YOU DON'T. 


Enjoy U responsibly 


PLAYBOY 


ON:> THE 


HOLIDAY 


his holiday, “mine is smaller than yours” bragging rights go 
straight into the Christmas stocking. We're talking great 
luxury toys here—not soap from the Body Shop or candy 
bars. Philips’ new Windows-driven Nino 300 Personal 
Companion is no bigger than a pack of smokes but keeps you in 
touch with e-mail, and offers handwriting- and voice-recognition 


‘SE Е NE 


SMALL TALK 


features, too. The pint-size stainless-steel camera pictured below is 
Minolta's Vectis 300 Beam APS model, with a 24mm to 70mm 
Zoom and the capacity for close-up, panoramic and regular shots. 
AZX USA makes a goli watch that stores scores for up to 50 rounds 
and tells time, plus more. Want to be on the cutting edge? Put Spy- 
derco's Mini-Dyad twin-blade pocketknife on your Xmas wish list 


Below, clockwise from top left: Spyderco's Mini-Dyad pocketknife with clip-point and sheep's foot-shaped blades ($85.95). Bourbon and Wa- 
ter acrylic single-reed duck call by BGB Inc. ($135). Golf Scoring Watch by AZX USA performs regular digital functions and also keeps track 
of shots, putts and par (about $40). A. Hardy cognac in a 200 ml Fisherman's Flask bottle (about $35). Minolta's supersmäll Vectis 300 Beam 
APS camera with a 24-70mm zoom (about $350). The Nino 300 Personal Companion operates on Windows CE and keeps you in touch with 
e-mail, contacts, tasks, etc., and responds to voice commands, by Philips (about $460). Stetson Country cologne by Coty ($18.50 for 1.7 fl. oz.). 


JO Buy OW PAGE 195 


GRAPEVINE 


Much Ado About Jim 

The Truman Show took JIM CAR- 
REY from likable dork to serious 
funnyman. Look for him next in 
Man on the Moon, the Andy 
Kaufman bio. He's currently de- 
veloping remakes of films that 
starred Don Knotts and Danny 
Kaye. Can Will S. be far behind? 


Vl 


Busting Out in Basic Black 
Do SONIA BRAGA (left) and TAYLOR DAYNE (below) know the same 
designer? Braga was in the TV series Four Corners and is now in a 
miniseries (A Will of Their Own) and the movie From Dusk Till Dawn: 
The Hangman’s Daughter. Dayne made Stag last year with Mario Van 
Peebles, Jerry Stiller and Andrew McCarthy. Her most recent CD is 
Naked Without You. We don't know who started the see-through-top 
craze, but Grapevine salutes you. 


Lana | 
Makes 
Waves 
LANA PIRYAN is Campari's 
spokesmodel. She has 
walked the high-fashion 
runways, appeared in a 
national commercial and 
swooned over Alec Bald- 
win in a Saturday Night 
Live comedy skit. 


b] Water, 
M Everywhere 
N You will thank us for 
sharing VERONIKA 
ZEMANOVA. This is 
what working out 
did for the Czech 
beauty. She should 
keep it up. 


Bluesman 


This is JOHN LEE HOOKER's 50th year re- 
cording the blues. His recent CD The Best of 


No 

Hidden 

Assets 

TAYLOR CAMPBELL 

can be found in a 

Miss Hot Body Inter- 
national video, this 
past spring's Cover 
Models magazine 
and the 1999 Tanta- 
lizing Take-offs cal- 

endar. Taylor certain- 

ly tantalizes us. 


KNOCKOUT EXERCISE 


SlamMan is the perfect 5 
ring partner—he doesn't hit 
back. But you still get a hell 
of a workout as you punch 
away at his eight LEDs. In- 
corporated into SlamMan's 
technology are 15 programs 
developed by a professional 
boxer. In addition to giving 
Т you a terrific upper-body 

workout, SlamMan helps 

you build stamina and 

sharpen your hand-eye 
coordination and reflexes. 
He's also a great tension re- 
liever. Poke him instead of 
your boss next time you need 
to vent. A computer will show 
you how many hits you have 
scored, and there are adjust- 
ments for hard or soft punch- 
es, length of workout and 
height (64”, 68” and 72”). 
SlamMan comes with a pair 
of 12-ounce boxing gloves 
and a video that demon- 
strates various punches. You 
just add sand to his base to 
keep him upright. The price: 
$300, including a one-year 
warranty. Call Fitness Quest 
at 800-321-9236 to order. 


RETURN OF THE VERY LITTLE CORPORAL 


Mignon of France has been creating toy soldiers and other miniature 
figures for more than 200 years, and early offerings command top dol- 
lar at auctions. But few of its creations can compare to A Napoleonic 
Ball, a diorama of Napoléon in Paris (in 1807) that features 43 54mm 
figures, including a Lancer band. The 22”x 10"x 5%" diorama is avail- 
able in a limited edition of 100, each housed in a beautiful that 
forms the walls of the ballroom. Bryerton's Military Mini es, 2121 
South Racine, Chicago, Illinois 60608, sells the set for $1695. To order, 


234 call the company at 312-666-2800, and ask about other collectibles. 


POTPOURRI 


TOY CRAZY 
Toys of the Past is like a walk through your 
rich grandfather's attic. On the 55- 
minute video, Dr. William Furnish, a pre- 
eminent toy collector, takes you on a tour 
of his vast collection, which contains 
thousands of playthings manufactured 
between 1890 and 1970. TM Books and 
Video sells Toys (and other Christmas toy 
videos) for $19.95. Call 800-892-2822 to 
order, or visit tmbooks-video.com. 


PAVO) 


MARS VERSUS VENUS: THE GAME 


Now that you've read Men Are From Mars, 
Women Are From Venus, get ready to play 
the Game. Teams advance on the game- 
board when they correctly guess how 
their opponents will answer questions in 
seven categories—including sex. Sample 
question: If sex were a circus, men would 
be: (a) masters of ceremonies; (b) lion 
tamers; or (c) clowns in the small car. The 
first team to reach Earth on the board 
wins. The Game costs about $25. 


POSTER MAN 


Wine and spirits, tobacco, 
travel, transportation and 
other trappings of the good 
life are featured in Miscella- 
neous Man's $10 catalog of 
vintage posters. The Ernst 
Dryden poster-on-canvas pic- 
tured at right sells for $375. 
Others range in price from a 
$75 World War П poster to 
a rare $2500 one that depicts 
a Canadian Pacific ocean lin- 
cr. Telephone 800-647-0069 
to place an order, or send 

а check for the catalog to 
Box 1000, New Freedom, 
Pennsylvania 17349. 


OH, CHRISTMAS TREE 


Last year, PLAYBOY Modern Living Editor David Stevens served 
himself too much holiday cheer and tipped over his Christmas 
tree. Never again, he vowed, and he invested in a Swivel Straight— 
the Christmas tree stand pictured here, which can support a pine 
up to 12 feet tall. It features a foot pedal-controlled action that 
makes standing and straightening your Tannenbaum a snap. Price: 
about $70. Call 800-692-6056 for info on where to buy. 


SAUNA, HOW WE 
LOVE YOU 


By now, you've seen the 
Dahm triplets relaxing in a 
sauna on page 128. Although 
you can’t buy the custom 
room used in that shoot, 
Baltic Leisure, the company 
that supplied the unit, sells a 
variety of kits at reasonable 
prices. For example, a 3x 4^ 
room ready for assembly is 
$1400, and a 19^x 1? sauna, 
the largest precut model of- 
fered, is $5000. (All prices in- 
clude heater, benches, bucket 
and more.) There's even a 
4'x4' outdoor sauna for 


$2800. Call 800-441-7147. 


HOT OFF THE PRESS 


Schiffer's latest offering, Forbidden Art: The World 
of Erotica, by Miss Naomi, is a far cry from this 
specialty publisher's usual line of books about 
such esoteric collectibles as early transistor ra- 
dios and vintage matchbook holders. In fact, 
Forbidden Art is a hardcover (and hard-core) vol- 
ume that’s probably more appropriate for your 
nightstand than for your coffee table. Price: 
$49.95. Call 610-593-1777 to place an order. 


MAKING BOOK ON CHRISTMAS 


This holiday, look for these new Yule titles. San- 
la: My Life and Times, a charming illustrated 
fantasy, is “the book that will make you believe 
again” ($25). The Christmas Tree Book includes 
more than 60 gorgeous trees decorated by fa- 
mous people ($24.95). The porno fantasy Santa 
Steps Out, “A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups," defi- 
nitely isn’t for kids ($39.95). The Physics of 
Christmas covers unusual facts of the season, 
“from the aerodynamics of reindeer to the 
thermodynamics of turkey” ($19.50). 


NEXT MONTH: SPECIAL 45TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE 


AN AFFAIR 


ANNIVERSARY PLAYMATE A HONEYMOON 


SEX STARS 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), December 1998, volume 45, number 12. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing oflices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 

236 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circGny playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com 


x TASTES EXACTLY LINE * 


D OTHER WHISKEY. 


drink responsibly.