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РАТ ROBERTSON | й Cheerleaders 
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Marlboro 
Cougiry | 


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Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
^ Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. 


16 mg “tar” 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


СОМВІМІМС МОМІСА & 
THE PHRASE ‘PUT THE 
BISCUIT IN THE BASKET?’ 


I THOUGHT I'D BETTER 
STICK TO SPORTS. 


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1998 National Sports Partners/FOX Sports Net. All Rights Reserved. Check Local Listings. www. foxsports.com 


PLAYBILL 


Harry VIP Day. For exactly nine years we have knelt at Pam 
Anderson's substantial altar. Now, as star of her own TV show, 
she has put her body of work on the line again. In a brand- 
new, 14-page pictorial, she and Contributing Photographer 
Stephen Wayda deliver a box of sweets you won't forget. 

But first, some ham on wry. Men have always liked to eat, 
and now, thanks to Emeril Lagasse, we're kicking it up in the 
Kitchen. Bam. His incredibly wild show, Emeril Live, is the most 
popular cooking program ever on the Food Network. And 
with three of his restaurants in the same town, New Orleans 
might as well be called the Emeril City. Bam. We sent David 
Shef! down to grill Lagasse for a sizzling Playboy Interview. La- 
gasse describes how sex, drugs and rock and roll have been 
replaced by food, wine and sex—“and an occasional cigar.” 

In its heyday, the celebrated New York strip club Scores 
drew stars, jocks and deejays—and, oh yes, wiseguys. Next 
thing you knew, two guys lay dead. There through it all was 
A.J. Benza, then a columnist for the New York Daily News. In 
The Naked and the Dead (art by Pat Andrea), Benza takes you 
backroom. “И was too good an opportunity to let slip,” he 
says. If you like to meet your girlfriends the old-fashioned 
way, absorb the lessons in Dating Disasters by Hollywood un- 
derachiever Myles Berkowitz. He filmed a bunch of dates and a 
studio made a movie. (It's called 20 Dates.) His three-word se- 
cret to success? Quantity, quantity, quantity. 

God must have a sense of humor. Why else would he put Pat 
Robertson on Pam Anderson's planet? We would make the 
obligatory boob analogy here if only Robertson weren't so 
crafty. His moralistic rants helped bring Washington to its 
knees. Mark Bowden's profile of Robertson, The Holy Terror, is a 
measured account of how Robertson first gained prominence 
on the strength of forgotten (and false) prophecies. 

Speaking of the devil, our fiendishly clever short story this 
month is by Jonathan Carroll. Some guys have all the luck with 
women; then there's Vincent Ettrich, hero of The Great Walt of 
China, a man who is unnaturally fortunate. The artwork is by 
J, Frederick Smith, an icon among American illustrators. 

If you use a computer at work for personal business, don't 
be surprised when corporate bigs look over your shoulder—if 
they haven't already. Once you're done with Who Can Read 
Your E-mail? by Andy Ihnatko (illustration by Guy Billout), you'll 
wish you hadn't gossiped about the guy who resigned in dis- 
gust and is trying to sue the company. The computer age has 
its ups and downs—just like the stock market. One of the best 
innovations is the Motley Fool, a financial Web site run by 
penny-wise English majors David and Tom Gardner. In a 20 
Questions by Warren Kalbacker, the fools rip mutual funds and 
glorify court jester caps. Clowns make money, too, as Adam 
Sandler explains. With another jock-sniffing success in Water- 
boy, he tells Kevin Cook in Checking In With Adam Sandler about 
humping chairs and why he loves toilet humor. 

Life in the Halfpipe, by Charles Plueddeman, isn't about living 
on the edge. It’s about snowboarding right off the edge and 
landing on your feet. To keep gravity from weighing you 
down, check the red zones in our pictorial of NFL Cheerleaders. 
Then cross The Thin Red Line—the film based on James Jones’ 
classic war novel, which rıaysov published in 1962. It’s any- 
thing but battleworn. Read our fashion guide, Lab Report: 
Jeans. Top it off with our nod to mixology, Cold Gold, a tribute 
to premium vodkas. Which brings us to a sober subject. Bruce 
Williamson, our widely loved movie critic for more than 25 
years, died last fall. He was a man who served vodka martinis 
“painfully dry.” Hoist one to his memory. He'd like that. 


WAYDA SHEFF 


BOWDEN 


CARROLL. 


IHNATKO 


KALBACKER PLUEDDEMAN 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), February 1999, volume 46, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 


dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $2! 


for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 


Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@nyplayboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 9 


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PLAYBOY 


vol. 46, no. 2—february 1999 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL ......... E > Po... 3 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY Are ae m 5 
DEAR PLAYBOY... Misco Sa ЛА 3 меи еме ӨТІ 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 15 
MOVIES. SE Ê SL E ASS SEES LEONARD MALIN В 17 
VIDEO 21 
MUSIC 22 
WIRED 24 
WINS Ее 29 Pamela Rules 
BOOKS Penn sque ume 03 
FITNESS ...... 58009966 ы са BETHTOMKIW зо 
MEN ... EN dg IRO ASA BABER 32 
MONEY MATTERS . CHRISTOPHER BYRON 33 
MANTRACK ал ые 35 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. ELO ыны Б, £ sse 39 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM Seah 49 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: EMERIL LAGASSE candid conversation 59 
THE NAKED AND THE DEAD—article .. 5 6 AJ.BENZA 70 E-mail Alert 
NFL CHEERLEADERS—pictorial.......... R тм ETA. 
PAT ROBERTSON: THE HOLY TERROR profile Я a MARK BOWDEN в2 
A HELL OF A DEAL u MARK DURAN 84 
DATING DISASTERS, AND HOW ТО AVOID THEM—article.... MYLES BERKOWITZ — 86 
WHO CAN READ YOUR E-MAIL?—article. КІ. ANDY IHNATKO вв 
COLD GOLD—drink ........... eese JOHNRAME 90 
CHECKING IN WITH ADAM SANDLER—chot өз 
NUCLEAR FUSON—playboy's playmate of the month 55 А 94 
PARTY JOKES—humor . Ear See a 96 EEES) 
THE GREAT WALT OF CHINA—fiction еее... JONATHAN CARROLL 108 
THE THIN RED LINE—preview A OTRO 110 
LAB REPORT: JEANS—fashion nov ... HOLLIS WAYNE 114 
LIFE IN THE HALFPIPE—snowboarding. 2222200... CHARLES PLUEDDEMAN 118 
20 QUESTIONS: THE MOTLEY FOOL..................... Ар 2 120 
SHEIS... PAMELA—pictorial .................. 2 шы 124 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY............... Rese nce ТІ ms ЗІ 
PLAYMATE NEWS . ns SORE с UNI eens 1167, 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE POMA dU A + 171 
COVER STORY 


We've said it before and we'll say it again: Pamela rules. Her eighth caver far us 
is a special valentine to her legions of fans. For a surprise bonus Ms. Andersan 
invites us into her home for an equally revealing session. Our cover was pra- 
duced by West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabawski, shot by Stephen Wayda 
ond styled by Jennifer Tutor. Thanks to Desmond Miller for styling Pamela's hair 
and to Emma Nixon far makeup. You can count our Rabbit's pearls of wisdom 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


PLAYBOY 


Give Playboy a fresh look—and we'll do the same 
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Kozar, Julia Schultz, Marliece 
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Include credit card account number and expiration date. 
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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 


KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL 
executive editors 
JOHN REZER assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES к. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP KOWE 
associate editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STE: 
VENS edilor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; DAN 
HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER Na. 
POLITANO Senior editor; BARBARA NELLIS associate 
editor; ALISON LUNDGREN junior editor; CAROL 
ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDELSON. HELEN FRANGOULIS. 
CAROL KUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, JOYCE WIEGAND. 
savas editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS 
WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN 
assistant editors; REMA SMITH Senior researcher; 
LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, LISA ROBBINS. KRIS 
TEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research li- 
brarian; ANAHEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH Hi 
GAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; JOE 
CANE assistant; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: 
ASA BABER. CHRISTOPHER BYRON, JOF DOLCE 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, REN 
GROSS, CYNTHIA HEIMEL. WARREN KALBACKER 
D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN. DAVID RENSIN 
DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior directors; SCOTT 
ANDERSON assistant art director; ANN SEIDL super- 
visor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assis 
tant; JASON SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
SON managing editor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN SUL 
LIVAN senior editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT. PATTY 
BEAUDETFRANCES, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; 
DAVID CHAN. RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG. RICH. 
ARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO 
POSAR. STEPHEN wayna contributing photogra- 
phers; GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chi- 
cago; BILL WHITE studio manager—los angeles; 
SHELLEE WELLS Stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU Photo 
archivist 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO. RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers; 
BARB TEKIELA. DEBBIE TILLOU fypeselfers; BILL 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAROWFTZ Communications director 

ADVERTISING 
JAMES DINONERAS, advertising director; JEFE кім- 
MEL, new york sales manager; JOE HOFFER mid- 
west sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU marketing 
director; TERRI CARROLL research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM. MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. Е 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


You may never need to see the film 
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If you couldn't stop,dancing during the 
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17 songs from America’s Sweetheart, 
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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


hef sightings, mansion frolics and nightlife notes 


SWINGING WITH 
SLY AND SAMMY 
When Het hits the nightspots 
there's no telling who might 
stop by his table to say hel- 
lo. Recently, Sylvester Stal- 
lone caught up with Hef and 
the Bentley twins. Later, 
Chicago Cubs home-run 
hero Sammy Sosa came 
by the table to give Hef an 
autographed ball. 


METALHEADS 

INVADE THE MANSION 

Hef and the Playmates greet musical guests 
Metallica (top) at the party for Trey Parker and 
Matt Stone's movie Orgazmo. Above, Hef and 
October Films honcho Scott Greenstein keep 
the South Park boys from the mosh pit. 


ALITTLE BIG APPLE POLISHING 
Dynamic duo: Chief Executive Officer Christie 
Hefner and supermodel Cindy Crawford partied 
at New York's Whiskey Park in celebration of 
Crawford's October 1998 cover and pictorial 


OUR RASCALLY RABBIT 

The Friars Club roasted Hef, presenting him with its Lifetime Achievement Award in 
Los Angeles with Playmates (from left to right) Victoria Fuller, Deanna Brooks, Ava 
Fabian, Heather Kozar, Kelly Monaco and Shae Marks. Can you say Bunny Dip? 


Тһе ЖУКЕ fom 
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duPont _ 
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Available at Finer Newsstands 


or Call 
1-800-233-1731 


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DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


RING LEADER 
Mike Tyson has been in the public eye 

for about 15 years, but I learned more 
about him from Mark Kram's sensation- 
al Playboy Interview (November) than 1 
have from TV or other media coverage 
‘Tyson is articulate and focused, though 
certainly troubled. He reveals a side of 
himself that most of us have never 
seen—someone who can be loved and is 
worth caring about. 

Dave Leonard 

Ormond Beach, Florida 


While I'm disappointed with the Mike 
Tyson interview for numerous reasons, 
I'm more bothered that PLAYBOY editors 
practice racist journalism. In the past 
two years, you haven't interviewed ап 
African American scholar, author or civil 
rights advocate. Instead, you've stuck to 
stereotypes that allow your mainstream 
readers to feel comfortable. 

Mark Brown 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


Though he lacks Ali's intelligence and 
charisma, Tyson is the most devastating 
boxer ever to step into a ring. I don't 
claim to know Tyson’s psychological pro- 
file merely by reading the interview, but 
you don't have to be a shrink to figure 
out that he’s seriously troubled. I hope 
he can find peace with himself and make 
peace with those around him so that 50 
years from now he won't be remem- 
Бегей as just an car biter. 

Eric Sherman 
Los Angeles, California 


‘Tyson is a man with a sensitive soul, 
devastating fears and a clumsy, imma- 
ture directness that may always get him 
into trouble. But the fact that people are 
now debating whether or not he’s cra- 
zy is a lot of raging bull. This man is 
surprisingly sane considering what he’s 
been through. 

Therra Cathryn Gwyn 
Atlanta, Georgia 


MAKE ‘EM LAUGH 
І admit that I don't read PLAYBOY only 
for the articles. It’s the cartoons that 
cause me to double over with laugh- 
ter, from Sneyd's watercolor beauties to 
Buck Brown's caught-in-the-act come. 
dy. No issue is complete without some 
laughs, just as no holiday issue із com- 
plete without a hilarious Santa slipup 
Omar Tinoco 
Memphis, Tennessee 


МО RANTS, JUST RAVES 
As a raver, Га like to thank you for in- 
cluding instructions on how to be one in 
After Hours (“Land Ravers,” November). 
Now that you’ve armed me with drug- 
related lingo and fashion advice, ГЇЇ 
have things besides great music to dis- 
cuss at my next rave. 
Darian Nagle 
Iowa City, lowa 


THE OLD COLLEGE TRY 
If coeds (Girls of the ACC, November) 
on other Eastern campuses are this sexy, 
Tm on the wrong coast. 
Shannon Newbold 
Davis, California 


As a student at Florida State, І know 
firsthand how beautiful the women here 
are. Now everyone else knows, too. 

Matt Szeremeta 
Tallahassee, Florida 


After reading your hot college issue, 
I'm heading down to Seminole country. 
The girls representing Florida State are 
gorgeous. Studying there must be next 
to impossible. 

Joe Terry 
Pueblo, Colorado 


When І heard that the November is- 
sue featured a model wearing Pi Kappa 
Alpha fraternity garb, I ran to the near- 
est store and bought a copy. It was a 
thrill to see Caroline Wilson in a Pike 
hat. We may be the newest chapter, but 


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PLAYBOY 


all the guys in our house agree we're the 
best frat in the world. Hell, we've got a 
girl in pLaysoy 

Scou Simpson 

Los Angeles, California 


PLAYBOY has once again captured the 
energy of America’s youth. By the way, 
what are they feeding those girls at Flori- 
da State? 

Deen Brower 
Las Vegas, Nevada 


As an alumnus of Florida State, I am 
ecstatic to see the contribution we made 
to the Girls of the ACC pictorial. This sam- 
ple is typical of our women—especially 
those sunbathing on Landis Green, the 
best pickup spot on the entire Seminole 
campus. 

David Kuczenski 
Fort Lauderdale, Florida 


CLASS АСТ 

Congratulations on maintaining the 
high standards that keep rLAvBov on the 
shelves of PXs worldwide. After five 
years in the military, I'm glad to see that 
the soldiers overseas will still be able to 
peruse your pages when they miss the 
girls back home. 


Nick Yager 
Austin, Texas 


SEXY CINEMA 
What a fabulous shot of ultrafoxy 

Gwyneth Paltrow (Sex in Cinema 1998, 

November) in her amazing knees-to- 

chest pose from the remake of Great 

Expectations. The sexy art-style photo 

prompted me to rent the video. 
Anthony Oddi 
Watertown, New York 


MUSIC TO OUR EARS 
Everyone knows PLAYBOY attracts the 
world’s best writers. That goes for your 
well-rounded, articulate music critics, 
too. Га like to express my appreciation 
for their concise reviews and applaud 
them for having a good ear for music. 
Terrance McDonald 
Corcoran, California 


SURVEYING THE COLLEGE SCENE 
Thanks to artist Carol Ziiber-Mallison 
for the eye-catching graphs in Playboy's 
College Sex Survey (November). I've read 
the text several times and still find my- 
self staring at this delectable eye candy. 
Dennis Schafer Jr. 
Graham, Washington 


SHE'S GOT THEM CHEERING 
I'd give up all the girls of the ACC for 
one Centerfold feature of cover girl Jul- 
ia Schultz. Gimme an H, gimme an O, 
gimme a T. 
Kim Politano 
San Francisco, California 
You don't have to give up anything —Julia 


12 is Miss February 1998. 


Your November foldout cover of Julia 
Schultz in a rLavsoy-style cheerleading 
outfit more than makes up for last year’s 
Girls of the Big 10 issue's screwy double- 
flap cover advertisement. Three cheers 
for Julia. 

Е. Matthew Poston 
Charleston, South Carolina 


TAYLOR MADE 
When 1 first saw Miss November Tif- 
fany Taylor in the Playboy Newsstand 
Special College Girls, I knew she'd be a 
Playmate one day. If it's not too early, 
I'd like to place my PMOY vote for Tiffa- 
ny now. 
Michael Schaefer 
LaCrosse, Wisconsin 


Asa longtime resident of both Virginia 
and Maryland, I applaud Leesburg-born 
‘Terrapin Tiffany Taylor. The Old Do- 
minion and the Free State have shared 


the natural beauty of Chesapeake Bay 
and the Blue Ridge for centuries. Now 
both states can claim another natural 
beauty. 
James Rousseau 
Odenton, Maryland 


Asa loyal reader, I was pleased when I 
stumbled across Tiffany's pictorial—not 
just because she's a stunning brunette 
but also because she loves ferrets. It 
makes me smile to think that she enjoys 
sharing her time with these adorable 
carpet sharks. 

Joseph Naftali 
New York, New York 


LIVE AND LEARN 

1 started buying PLAYBOY in the Six- 
ties—initially to learn about sex. 1 
learned a lot from the magazine, but 
kept my virginity until I was 19. PLAYBOY 
educated me on p » social values, 
even the Constitution—things that 
school, friends and family don't always 


teach. During my 20s and 30s, 1 married 
and divorced and continued to read the 
magazine in the hope of becoming more 
sexually hip. But I remained conserva- 
tive and learned to be comfortable with 
it, thanks to you. Now I'm about to turn 
50. The country has changed in so many 
ways. We're no longer the fun-loving na- 
tion we were when I became a reader, 
but I still long for the old days of the 
clubs, summers in bikinis and news of 
Hugh Hefner's latest flings. 1 had al- 
lowed my subscription to lapse, but I've 
decided I need ravsoy again—not for 
the sex advice or because I want to re- 
capture my youth, but because my hus- 
band will enjoy the pictorials (as he 
should), my friends will ask to see the 
jokes page and I will curl up in bed and 
read it from cover to cover. 

Leilani Jones 

Stanley, Idaho 


LOVE LINE 

I'm always impressed when 1 watch 
Dr. Drew Pinsky on MTV because noth- 
ing makes him stumble. What I like best 
bout November's 20 Questions is his de- 
ery, even concerning such bizarre 
things as doing it with a dog. When he's 
calm, I'm calm. 


Louise Clark 
Chicago, Illinois 


ROAD RAGE 
I'm too young to remember Jimmy 
Hoffa (Road Rage by Harry Jaffe, No- 
vember). The sickening stereotype of 
corruption within unions still summons 
the Hoffa name with a disappointing de- 
gree of regularity. As a union member 
and activist, I realize that the stereotype 
is false, but the elder Hoffa has given our 
political adversaries plenty of ammuni- 
tion. Union members know that anyone 
who attempts to subvert the unionist ide- 
al of representative democracy on the 
job is an enemy of organized labor. If of- 
ficers stop representing and become self- 
serving, they are subject to being thrown 
out of office by the rank and file—even if 
their name is Hoffa. 
James Charlet 
Wilmington, North Carolina 


NO LAUGHING MATTER 
Kudos to Asa Baber for his “Soap-a- 
Dope” column (Men, November). Men 
relate to “foxhole humor,” but every 
reader knows it's certainly no joke to get 
a proctologicexam. The soaps are an ex- 
cellent medium for informing audiences 
about prostate cancer, a disease that kills 
nearly 40,000 American men a year. 
Doctor X' clients may gripe and whine, 
but in the long run, they'll be healthier. 
Tracie Snitker 
Men's Health Network 
Washington, D.C. 


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AT THEATRES SOON — 


| PLAYBOY AFTER 


AURAL SEX 


Following the dictum that the best sex 
occurs between your ears, Oglio Records 
has just compiled Sex-O-Rama 2: Classic 
Adult Film Music. The CD features cover 
pics of spunky porn star Jenna Jameson, 
and tunes such as The Money Shot and 
Blow Me Down are loaded with loopy 
drum and bass lines that will get you in 
the groove. Speaking of Valentine's Day 
presents, Rhino Records has released 
Take It Off! Striptease Classics for the tradi- 
tional-minded. While it won't work for 
you in the bedroom, you won't have to 
hide it there either. 


GHOST IN THE MACHINE 


Now that some quadrants of the Web 
are attracting more dust than flies, the 
electronic newsletter Ghost Sites (check 
out disobey.com) is here to point out the 
clutter. А recent edition refers to the Mis- 
sion: Impossible site as а “pockmarked 
roadside billboard" that even now 
screams that the "film is playing all over 
America." Like movie sites, Web pages 
for music groups have also fallen by the 
wayside (Spiritualized's site lists its 
1995 tour schedule). America Offline 
(June 1995-June 1997), which now ex 
ists only as “а grumpy virtual shrine," 
once provided a place where AOLers 
could exchange tricks and tips, but end- 
ed in a flurry of bitter complaints—a 
real poltergeist. 


BOOK SMART ALECK 


Whenever we want to sound smart 
around the in-laws, we reach for Sex, 
Money & Sporis (Prentice Hall) by Michael 
Maggio. It's a new book of quotations on 
“the only things men talk about." First, 
sex. Garry Shandling's take on dating 
(“Im driving her home and that's when 
I start to wonder if there's going to Бе 
any sex—and if I'm going to be in- 
volved") is an evolved version of Rod- 
ney Dangerfield's ("One woman 1 was 
dating said, 'Come on over, there's no- 
body home." 1 went over—nobody was 
home." When discussing sports, re- 
mind friends of Leo Durocher's words: 
"Baseball is like church. Many attend. 


Few understand." If you're fecling flush, 
you can make liberal use of Woody Al- 
len's line “Money is better than poverty, 
if only for financial reasons." But if re- 
cent market turmoil continues, ry bor- 
rowing this query from Steven Wright: 
“If all the nations of the world are in 
debt, where did all the money go?” 


WAVE OF POPULARITY 


Let other presidential hopefuls pur- 
sue the blessing of The New York Times 
or The Wall Street Journal. Senator John 
Kerry of Massachusetts has already 
nailed the coveted endorsement of Amer- 
ican Windsurfer magazine. How many 
votes this will bring his way in drier 
states such as Kansas is open to debate. 
Perhaps that's why Kerry's press secre- 
tary says the senator intends to “work on 
the Rollerbladers next.” 


CHIEF OF STAFF 


Every man, no matter how powerful, 
has a nickname for his favorite female 
body part. According to the San Francisco 
Chronicle, the closed captioning for a re 
cent installment of the talk show Lee- 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


za described Bill Clinton as “t 
the breasts and General Tali 
straight, private. That's one officer who 
insists on having his helmet polished 


NOBEL BOTTOMS 


The 1g Nobel Prizes, unlike their il- 
lustrious forebears in Stockholm, are 
awarded by a group of Harvard satirists 
to people whose achievements “cannot 
or should not be reproduced.” Last 
year's recipients received recognition in 
the fields of statistics (for an analysis of 
foot-to-penis-size ratio), engineering (for 
developing a suit of anti-grizzly bear ar- 
mor) and biology (for discovering that 
when water is spiked with Prozac, mol- 
lusks’ rate of sexual activity soars ten- 
fold). The Ig Nobel Prize for literature 
went to the author of a journal article 
called “Farting as г Defense Against Un- 
speakable Dread hough we haven't 
read the article, it’s nothing we'd care to 
stand behind. 


YIELD FROM TEMPTATION 


А good stock isn't always so. The "so- 
cially responsible” Hudson Investors 
mutual fund won't put money into com- 
panies having to do with liquor, tobac- 
co, gambling or moneylending. Accord- 
ing to Mutual Funds magazine, the fund 
was down 57 percent after a year. At 
the other end of the market is Morgan 
Fun Shares, one of our favorite funds. 
It owns booze, tobacco and gambling 
stocks as well as holdings in condom 
makers and Frederick’s of Hollywood. 
Morgan was slightly ahead of the robust 
S&P 500. Which gives rise to the modi- 
fied Wall Street adage “Never bet against 
human interest rates.” 


MEN IN STRIPED PAJAMAS CAN'T 
ASK FOR DIRECTIONS 


Fearing inmates will use detailed top- 
ographic maps during escapes, Texas 
prisons have banned the Texas Almanac. 
Authorities claim it illustrates the local 
roads a bit too well. Larry Fitzgerald, 
spokesman for the Texas Department of 
minal Justice, explains that “a map 
would be of great assistance if you were 


RAW 


DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS ] 


QUOTE 

“One reason that I 
went into acting was 
social: to meet girls. I 
wasn't athletic and I 
was a bad student. 
Acting was the first 
time in my life that I 
felt attractive." —pus- 
ТІМ HOFEMAN 


BIG LOSERS 

Number of Ameri- 
can billionaires who 
were tempora 
duced to millionaires 
after the stock mar- 
ket dive of last sum- 
mer: 29. 


STARR SEARCH 

Number of times 
that the word White- 
water is mentioned 
in the Starr report: 
4. Number of times 
that the word cigar is mentioned in 
the Starr report: 27. 


CELL BREAK 
Percentage of people who don't 
know their cellular telephone num- 
ber: 55. 


LOVE AMERICAN STYLE 

According to the third annual 
Durex Global Sex Survey, number of 
minutes per week Americans spend 
making love: 28. Global average in 
minutes: 18. Percentage of Americans 
who admitted to having had more 
than one sexual relationship at a 
ume: 50. 


AUSTEN POWERLESS 
According to filmmaker Jim Abra- 
hams, percentage of Americans sur- 
veyed by Disney's marketing depart- 
ment who don't know who Jane Austen 
was: 90. 


MCWORLD 
Number of languages in which 
courses are taught at Hamburger 
University, the training ground for 
McDonald’s managers: 96. Number 
of countries that have McDonald's 
franchises: 109. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
‘The Veterans Administra- 
tion projected that it would 
cost $280 million—one fifth 
of its total annual drug bud- 
get—to supply Viagra to all of 
its hospitals. 


PAYBACK TIME 
Average income tax 
refund for last year: 
$1418. Percentage of 
taxpayers filing elec- 
tronically with the 


DRIVING RANGES 
According to a study 
of corporate chief 
executives that was 
sponsored by The 
New York Times, aver- 
age golf handicap of 
11 executives whose 
companies delivered 
the best three-year 
stock market return: 
12. Average handi- 
cap of the 22 chiefs 
whose companies’ 
performance was or- 
dinary: 15. Handi- 
cap of 11 executives whose compa- 
nies performed below standard: 17. 
Handicap of Microsoft chief execu- 
tive Bill Gates: 24. 


LAUGH LINES 

According to the Center for Media 
and Public Affairs, number of jokes 
about President Clinton told during 
late-night TV from January 1, 1998 
to September 17, 1998: 1338. Num- 
ber of jokes about Monica Lewinsky: 
230. About Kenneth Starr: 100. 
Hillary Clinton: 76. Paula Jones: 72. 
Linda Tripp: 64. 


SOUTHERN BARBECUE 

Amount of pork-barrel spending 
Congress allocated to Mississippi, the 
state receiving the most fauy dollars: 
$310 per person. 


OLD NEWS 

According to a study of newspa- 
pers, TV news and newsmagazines 
by the Project for Excellence in Jour- 
nalism, percentage of stories іп 1977 
devoted to straight news: 52. Percent- 
age in 1997: 32. Percentage of news 
items іп 1977 about celebritics, scan- 
dals or human interest items: 15. In 
1097: 43. — BETTY SCHAAL 


planning to go over the wall.” The 
ACLU and other civil rights groups seem 
to be unbothered by the ban, and The 
Dallas Morning News, which publishes the 
almanac, has taken advantage of the ban 
in its marketing campaign. “If the maps 
are so good prisoners aren't allowed to 
read them,” their advertisements say, 
“imagine what they can do for you.” 


HEAD COUNT 


Cutbacks in Parliament will leave Brit- 
ish peers gamely hanging on to their stiff 
upper lips. A headline in the Internation- 
al Herald Tribune announced: LORDSTO 
LOSE HALF THEIR MEMBERS. It's enough to 
make you earl. 


DIAL M FOR MOHEL 


Modern-day mohels are trying to take 
a bite out of the competition by advertis- 
ing their services on refrigerator mag- 
nets. The savvy circumcisors use the 
giveaways to promote such phone lines 
as 800-влвувоу and 800-4-A-MOHEL. 
“Nowadays,” Rabbi Yehoshua Krohn 
told New York, “you wouldn't be an entity 
in the bris world if you didn't have an 


800 number." Thanks for the tip. 


FIRST BARE-BORNE DIVISION 


The Washington State Air National 
Guard charged a flight crew with “seri- 
ous breach of military discipline" be- 
cause they recently flew a refueling mis- 
sion stark naked. The punishment is 
harsh, because the crewmen violated the 
military's most sacred rule: Always cover 
your ass 


PROZAC NATION 


Looks like the American spirit has tak- 
en a hit in the past few years. The New 
York Observer tallied the number of Amer- 
icans who suffer from eating disorders, 
attention-deficit disorder, panic attacks, 
obsessive-compulsive behavior, border- 
line personalities, seasonal affective dis- 
order, chronic fatigue syndrome, restless 
legs syndrome, severe mental illness, al- 
coholism, allergies to chemicals, phobias, 
depression and addiction to sex. The to- 
tal came to 157 million people. That 
equals 77 percent of all U.S. adults. The 
bad news is the other 23 percent were 
too dumb to understand the survey. 


TONGUE-TIED 


The following Reuters news report 
isn’t that remarkable. Two men in ski 
masks robbed a Pompano Beach night- 
club of $50,000. They left behind two 
tightly bound janitors, one of whom 
summoned the police by dialing 911 
with her tongue. End of wire story. 
However, we were lefi with a nagging 
thought. Given that her place of employ- 
ment was a strip club called the Booby 
‘Trap, the question arises: With that kind 
of talent, how come she’s a janitor? 


- MOVIES 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


тгѕсоорто sce James Woods іп а meaty, 
major role worthy of his talent. Another 
Day in Paradise (Trimark) gives him a part 
that plays to all his strengths as an edgy, 
moody, high-stakes thief and druggie 
who can turn on the charm when he 
wants to. His latest victim is Bobbie, a 
teenage runaway (Vincent Kartheiser) 
who is inexperienced and impulsive. 
Woods takes him under his wing and 
trains him to help out on a couple of 
big-league heists. In the process, Woods 
and Melanie Griffith become surrogate 
parents to Kartheiser and his girlfriend 
(Natasha Gregson Wagner). These are 
not heroes in the conventional movie 
sense, but you find yourself caring about 
them just the same, as the risks they take 
become bigger and more daring. Direc- 
tor Larry Clark (who also directed Kids) 
gives the film a loose, fly-on-the-wall 
feeling that's enhanced by the utter 
credibility of tors. ¥¥¥ 


Certain plays, no matter how great, 
should remain in the confines of the the- 
ater, where the connection between au- 
dience and actors is tangible and the 
words crackle in the air. One cannot 
fault the people who have brought Da- 
vid Rabe’s Hurlyburly (Fine Line) to the 
screen. They seem to have made all the 
right moves, opening up the stage set- 
ting in perfectly natural ways and letting 
the dialogue play without fancy camera- 
work. But the result is a hybrid, neither 
an effective movie nor a simple tran- 
scription of the play. A work that has 
always attracted fine actors, Hurlyburly 
boasts a cast led by Scan Penn and Kevin 


Scenes trimmed from a movie used 
to be routinely discarded, and film 
buffs have moaned over this for years. 
(Did Frank Capra really toss the first 
two reels of Lost Horizon into an incin- 
erator after an unsuccessful preview?) 


AN “IN” PLACE FOR OUTTAKES 


Nowadays, a different approach is 
used: Save it for laser disc and DVD! 

So-called supplemental material is a 
key selling point for these discs, which 
appeal more to a film-savvy customer 
than do the broad-based VHS cas- 
settes. And most filmmakers welcome 
the opportunity to. 

But not all. Stanley Donen wasn't 
consulted when discarded musical 
numbers were unearthed in the MGM 
vaults and presented on the laser discs 


Spacey, Paquin and Penn in the Hurlyburly. 


Crime on the run, 
lowlifes at home and 
sisters at odds, 


Spacey (who performed it onstage), Meg 
Ryan (well cast as a benign prostitute), 
Chazz Palminteri, Garry Shandling and 
Anna Paquin playing a collection of 
drugged-out, self-absorbed Hollywood 
hustlers. They perform in perfect pitch. 
But it still doesn’t work. ¥¥/2 


You've seen Brendan Gleeson as Mel 
Gibson's compatriot in Braveheart, and in 
many other supporting roles. Now he 
takes center stage as The General (Sony 


of such musicals as Singin’ in the Rain, 
which he co-directed. “There was a 
reason we cut them in the first place,” 
he says. He's not opposed to enhanc- 
ing the home-viewing experience; he 
even contributed an audio commen- 
tary to the now out- 
of-print (and sought- 
after) laser disc of his 
movie Two for the Road. But like his 
partner Gene Kelly, he would prefer to 
leave the leftover musical moments in 
their cinematic grave. 

Director Lawrence Kasdan knew 
that most people felt Wyatt Earp (with 
Kevin Costner) was too long, but he 
edited an even longer version for 
home video that was more to his lik- 
ing. He says he would never do that 
again, and when Sony asked him to 


restore the notorious Кеуіп Costner 


Pictures Classics), writer-director John 
Boorman's account of Martin Cahill, a 
notorious Irish crime lord who eluded 
capture by the police for years while 
pulling off bold escapades right under 
their noses. That boldness extends to 
Cahill's private life, in which he manages 
to have relationships (and even children) 
with his wife and her sister at the same 
time. Jon Voight, sporting a perfect ac- 
cent and attitude, plays the detective 
who is determined to nail Cahill. Glee- 
son is so naturally likable that it's hard 


to fully appreciate the ruthlessness of 


his character, except in one blatant—and 
seemingly uncharacteristic—torture 
scene. The problem with The General is 
that it goes on too long and loses its dra- 
matic momentum along the way. ¥¥/2 


Arlington Road (PolyGram) is a novelty 
among thrillers: a film that telegraphs 
everything that’s about to happen and 
still expects you to feel some suspense. 
Jeff Bridges plays a professor at George 
Washington University who ostensibly 
teaches American history but spends 
most of his time expounding on terror- 
isi cluding the botched FBI investi- 
gation in which his wife was killed sever- 
al years earlier. While raising his young 
son, he becomes wary of the new neigh- 
bors across the street (Tim Robbins and 
Joan Cusack), and when he senses some- 
thing out-of-kilter in Robbins’ stories 
about his background, he starts investi- 
gating. And, by golly, he's right—the guy 
is a suspicious character. I lost interest at 
this point, but the film goes on, revealing 
its grand conspiracy theory to no avail. 
What a waste of talent. YY 


scene into the recent reissue of The Big 
Chill, he refused. “I didn't take out 


things that embarrassed me, 
he explains. “I left it all there. 
the movie І made at that time, and I 
don’t think that we should revise these 
things.” 

On the other hand, screenwriter 
Richard LaGravanese сап! wait to 
prepare the home version of his first 
directorial effort, Living Out Loud, to 
show off scenes he hated to cut and 
musical numbers with Queen Latifah 
that had to be shortened. 

The highest-profile home-video fan 
among directors has yet to reveal his 
plans, however, and that has every- 
body wondering: Just how much will 
James Cameron add from his report- 
ed one hour of cutting-room leftovers 
from Titanic? --і.м. 


AND ONO 
Ма; \ 
IS 
5 ТЫС») 7 


= Е = | : 
= Ч Ul 
5) t 2 | | 


20 


e 


Platt: Indelible impressions. 


OFF CAMERA 


Whether you remember him 
best for playing the lawyer in In- 
decent Exposure, the smarmy cam- 
paign manager in Bulworth or the 
sympathetic high school teacher in 
Simon Birch, Oliver Plat has made 
an impression during his ten years 
on-screen. Some people think he’s 
in for an Oscar nomination for his 
work this past year in Bulworth. 

Pretty good, considering he ac- 
cepted the part without knowing 
much about it. “With Warren Beat- 
ty, everything's a seduction,” he 
explains. “It's all very cloak-and- 
dagger, and that can be fun. But 
through it all you realize he's onto 
something special. I was smart to 
take the leap of faith.” 

His other screen highlight in 
1998 was a co-starring role in The 
Impostors that director and co-star 
Stanley Tucci wrote especially for 
him. The two actors met years 
ago while working in a stage pro- 
duction at Yale and became fast 
friends, mostly because they made 
each other laugh. Nothing much 
had changed by the time they shot 
the film. “We just laughed all day,” 
says Platt. 

Educated at Tufts University, 
Platt says he respects the fact that 
ing is a mysterious process and 
doesn't try to analyze what he does 
too closely. But he knows he's been 
lucky landing major roles both in 
mainstream movies and indepen- 
dent films. He has a following just 
from his work as the furious come- 
dian searching for his roots in Pe- 
ter Chelsom's cult favorite Funny 
Bones (in which his father is played 
by Jerry Lewis). 

But nothing can match the ex- 
perience of working for Beatty, 
who would say, after doing scores 
some his way, some the 
К, now blow one out 


your ass." 
"Fm happy to tell you," says 
Platt, "that's often what ended up 


on-screen.” —LM. 


Emily Watson strengthens her posi- 
tion as one of film's most gifted and dar- 
ing young actresses with her perfor- 
mance as British cellist Jacqueline du 
Pré in Hilary and Jackie (October), an in- 
telligent and challenging biographical 
drama. Screenwriter Frank Cottrell 
Boyce and director Anand Tucker decid- 
ed not to tell the story of two sisters— 
both musical prodigies—in a linear or. 
conventional manner, and the choice 
proves to be sound. By examining inci- 
dents from the point of view of both 
characters in separate sections of the 
film, they cover a lot of ground, both 
thematically and emotionally. This is as 
much a story of a complex sibling rela- 
tionship as it is the story of an immature 
genius who desperately needs her sister 
(well played by Rachel Griffiths) as an 
anchor in her unstable life. Hilary and 
Jackie is a film that makes one want to 
know more about the real-life woman 
(who died at 42) and her music. ¥¥¥ 


Director Paul Schrader would never 
be mistaken for a messenger of mirth; 
his films are sober, thoughtful and pro- 
vocative. Affliction (Lions Gate), from the 
novel by Russell Banks, centers on a 
lifelong screw-up (Nick Nolte) who, 
through patronage and luck, has man- 
aged to hold down jobs as traffic cop, 
snowplow driver and jack-of-all-trades 
in a small New Hampshire town. He sees 
his daughter once a week and would like 
to be a good father, but he doesn’t know 
how; that's because he's afflicted by the 
curse of his own father, a brutal man 
who has spent his life making his family 
miserable. With Sissy Spacek, Willem 
Dafoe and James Coburn in leading 
roles, and a wintry atmosphere so vivid 
you can actually feel the cold, Affliction 
rings true—but it offers no great in- 
sights, let alone hope or solace. YY 


"Тһе original (1949) Mighty Joe Young 
was а follow-up to King Kong. made by 
many of the same people. The entertain- 
ing remake (Buena Vista), directed by 
Ron Underwood, is respectful toward 
the original but nota carbon copy. Char- 
lize Theron plays the daughter of a nat- 
uralist who's raised in the African jungle 
alongside an orphaned ape; the result is 
a lifelong bond. When Bill Paxton con- 
vinces Theron that the outsized Joe will 
be safer ata Los Angeles animal preserve 
than he is in the jungle, where poachers 
and developers аге encroaching on his 
land, she reluctantly agrees . . . and you 
can guess what happens next. Rick Bak- 
er's astonishing gorilla suit, John Alex- 
ander's uncanny performance inside it, 
and some slick computer effects achieve 
what even the masterful animators of 
Kong and Joe Young could not: You for- 
get that the ape isn't real. ¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Affliction (See review) Nick Nolte lives 
in the shadow of his rotten father and 
can't escape his miserable fate. YY 
American History X (1/99) Edward Nor- 
ton gives another breathtaking per- 
formance, this time as a teenage 
white supremacist. wy 
Another Day in Paradise (See review) 
James Woods ignites the screen as a 
thief and surrogate father to a teen- 
age hood and his girlfriend. ¥¥¥ 
Arlington Road (See review) Jeff Bridg- 
es and Tim Robbins star in this heavy- 
handed thriller, which is notably lack- 
ing in thrills. w 
A Bug's Life (Listed only) This comput- 
er-animated feature from the folks at 
Pixar (Toy Story) is too clever and fun- 
ny to be given over to kids only. УУУУ: 
Celebrity (1/99) Woody Allen's latest 
rumination on life and love is a pale 
imitation of his better films. yy 
Central Station (1/99) Brazil's Oscar en- 
try for best foreign language film is a 
physically and emotionally reward- 
ing journey for a calculating woman 
and an orphaned boy. wy 
Dancing о? Lughnasa (Listed only) 
Meryl Streep, Michael Gambon and 
Catherine McCormack head the cast 
of this adaptation of Brian ЕгіеГе play 
about a close-knit Irish family УУУ 
Elizabeth (Listed only) Superior his- 
torical drama with the radiant Cate 
Blanchett as the embattled 16th cen- 
tury queen who fought to love and 
rule in her own way. ny 
The General (See review) John Boor- 
man's new film about a working-class 
Irish crime lord is watchable but 
overlong. PA 
Happiness (1/99) Todd Solondz' соп- 
troversial black comedy manages to 
see a pederast, a murderer, a stalk- 
er and other malcontents as human 
beings. Уууу: 
Hilary and Jackie (See review) Emily 
Watson is electrifying as cellist Jac- 
queline du Pré. wy 
Hurlyburly (See review) Kevin Spacey, 
Sean Penn and Meg Ryan head a dy- 
namite cast in a faithful adaptation 
of David Rabe's scathing play about 
Hollywood lowlifes. Unfortunately, it 
lacks the impact it had onstage. ¥¥/2 
Mighty Joe Young (See review) King 
Kong's cousin roars again іп ап еп- 
tertaining remake. Ww 
Savior (1/99) Dennis Quaid gives a 
fine performance asa hardened mer- 
cenary who reconnects with his hu- 
manity through chance and fate in 
Bosnia. wy 


YvYY Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


VIDEO 


GUEST ST 


"| have a couple of favorite movies,” says 
America's Funniest Videos’ Daisy Fuentes. 
“Powder, which | rented about a year ago, 
15 one of those movies that get everyone 
in the room talking 
Ry about life and deep 
stuff. And the other 
one is The Abyss. It 
is an intense movie. 
Again, it gets people 


of everything ШОУ 5 
out there. | enjoy 
comedies. I'm a big 
fan of Jim Carrey. I'm 
a fan of Steve Магїп—1 love him in The 
Jerk. I'm a fan of Martin Short. I'll laugh at. 
anything he does. He could just stand in 
front of me and make me laugh. | had the 
chance to work with him when | was at 
MTV. We did a weekend stint, like an in- 
tensive improv class. l'm a Mel Brooks fan, 
too. | love History of the World—Part I. | 
watch that over and over again. | also like 
his earlier stuff, like Young Frankenstein.” 


FROM TONTO TO TODAY 


Smoke Signals is the first film written, di- 
rected, produced by and starring Amer- 
ican Indians. Here are some of Holly- 
wood's efforts that preceded it. 

War Party (1989): Billy Wirth and Kevin 
Dillon set out to re-create a historic 100- 
year-old cowboys-versus-Indians battle. 
But they don't use blanks. 

Dance Me Outside (1994): Subversive hu- 
mor elevates this bleak look at life on 
Canada’s Kidabanesee Reservation after 
a white man murders an Indian girl. 
Book is by WP Kinsella (Field of Dreams). 
Last of the Mohicans (1992): Indian sympa- 
thier Daniel Day-Lewis has his eye out 
for lovely Madeleine Stowe while foul 
French soldiers take aim at his loincloth. 
Geronimo: An American Legend (1993): The 
Apache leader's гер as a bloodthirsty 
savage seems justified in this action- 
packed tale of how the West was stolen. 
Directed by Walter (The Long Riders) Hill, 
it features Matt Damon. 

Dances With Wolves (1990): Union officer 
(and debuting director) Kevin Costner 
likes the native ways so much he be- 
comes an Indian. 

Thunderheart (1992): Atmospheric telling 
of part-Indian FBI agent Val Kilmer's 
investigation of a murder and conspira- 
су оп a Sioux reservation. Directed by 
Michael Apted. 

Incident at Oglala (1992): Michacl Apted 
and executive producer Robert Redford 
reveal that the wounds at Wounded 


Knee have never healed in this docu- 
mentary about Indian activist Leonard 
Peltier, perhaps wrongly convicted of 
murdering FBI аде! 
Little Big Man (1970): This classic has 
Dustin Hoffman as crusty Jack Crabb, 
the 121-year-old Indian pal of Wild Bill 
Hickok and survivor of General Custer's 
run-in with Indians at Little Bighorn. 
А Man Called Horse (1970): You think your 
nipple piercing was painful? Aristocrat 
Richard Harris i: 
top of the tepee by chest ring: 
too-real-looking Sioux initiation rite. 
The Searchers (1956): John Ford’s master- 
piece (and no Oscar nominati: 1) 
which the Indians аге the bad guys. Bit- 
ter soldier John Wayne spends years try- 
ing to find kidnapped niece Natalie 
Wood, who is raised as a squaw. 
Flaming Star (1960): Elvis Presley is an all- 
shook-up half-breed Kiowa who must 
take sides in an Indian uprising. Does 
this make the King the Chief? 

—BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 


While some blanch at the idea of re- 
building their video library—a logical if 
costly prospect in this bold new DVD 
era—we prefer to fill the holes in our 
laser collection. Among the recent plugs 
are two breakthrough imports on Voy- 
ager's Criterion Collection label: Aus- 
tralian director Peter Weir's haunting 
1975 Picnic at Hanging Rock ($30) and di- 
rector John Mackenzie's The Long Good 
Friday ($30), featuring Bob Hoskins” 
most explosive screen performance to 


Wa. 
A 


Guilty 
Pleasure 


of the Montk, 
The stylized scorcher Sexy Nurses 3 (Metro) 
features cardiac-inducing sex between doc- 
tor and nurse, physical therapist and pa- 
tient, nurse and nurse and nurse and, of 
course, that porn staple, patient and nurse. 
Driving the tape's blood pressure heaven- 
ward is the voluptuous Stacy Valentine, a 
large-scale headliner reminiscent of Anna 
Nicole Smith gone bad (really bad). Metro 
has spent time and money producing the 
video and hopes to distinguish it from its 
coarser titles by the film's promotional 
goodies alone. Check out the doctor's kit 
turned video case above. It comes with 
condoms, liquid КҮ and Band-Aids (gulp). 


date. Picnic, a cinematically breathtaking 
if often impenetrable mystery, appears 
in its original aspect ratio (1.66:1). The 
film benefits substantially from Weir's re- 
cutting and a Dolby Stereo soundtrack. 
— GREGORY Р FAGAN 


ЫЙ 


MUST-SEE 


Saving Private Ryan (Hanks leads D-day mission to save Matt 
Damon; Spielberg's shell-shocking fli 
Pi (a math geek seeks the missing numeric link; Darren 
Aronofsky's brilliant debut is like caffeinated Kafka). 


is оп all-time great), 


COMEDY 


ACTION 


INDEPENDENT 


There's Something About Mary (Stiller drools after dreamy 
Diaz; gross-out blockbuster), Mafia! (Hot Shots director Jim 
Abraham's goofy Godfather send-up got unjustly lost in 
Something About Mary's dust). 


j [o Down (оп oddball pair of Irish gaodfellas manage а 
cs erk ; darkly funny іп its awn woy), Phoenix (dirty 

ny а and Ray Liotta lead a heist; clichéd, 
г rer is worth watching). 


The Negotiator (Chicago's top SWAT shrinks face off when 
one takes hostages; Samuel L. Jackson und Kevin Spacey al 
their intense best), The Mask of Zorro (Antonio Banderas is 
chip off the old El Kabong; a Saturday aftemoon thrill ride). 


Buffalo 66 (first-time filmmaker Vincent Gallo as a punk 
twitching toward normalcy; Mean Sfreets-era De Niro comes 
to mind), Bang (pretty, put-upon Darling Narita spends a day 
in an LA biker cop's boots; contrived but engaging droma). 


21 


ROCK 


SLIGHTLY annoying but lovable, U2 is the 
musical equivalent of a frisky sheepdog 
who jumps up and licks your face. The 
first retrospective in U2's 20-year histo- 
гу, The Best of 1980-1990, comes in two for- 
mats. The single-disc edition covers the 
hits through Rattle and Hum, and the 
double-disc adds 15 B sides and rarities. 
In the Reagan years, the recordings 
were erratic. U2 could be bombastic, but 
it had heart and spirit. The studio ver- 
sions of the early productions included 
here are drenched in reverb. Drums 
drown out guitars. The best renditions 
ofearly hits such as Sunday Bloody Sunday 
and / Will Follow—the songs that broke 
the band in America—appear on the live 
EP Under a Blood Red Sky. Producer Bri- 
an Eno's cerebral touch made 1/2% al- 
bums more adventurous and focused. 
Wide Awake in America was U2's Eighties 
masterpiece. The music was spectacular, 
the lyrics dealt more maturely with spir- 
itual crises and hopes, and Bono had 
learned to “shout without raising his 
voice.” The three songs included are 
faultless, but any fan should have the 
whole album. Rattle and Hum, its flawed 
roots album, is overrepresented. 

If U2 is rock's superstar extrovert, 
then R.E.M. is its introverted American 
cousin. Up (Warners) is R.E.M.'s first ef- 
fort since drummer Bill Berry retired. 
Lo-fi electronica has replaced the acous- 
tic guitars and mandolins of Automatic for 
the People. At first, the ambient electron- 
ic fog obscures the songs’ melodies and 
structures. But if you give Up time to 
kick in, guitars emerge, seducing and 
enrapturing. R.E.M. has finally conjured 
an album of musical dreamscapes that 
perfectly frame vocalist Michael Stipe's 
ethereal lyrics. — VIC GARBARINI 


In 1955 Doug and John Clark realized 
they could make more money playing 
dance music and telling dirty jokes in 
frat houses than they could picking cot- 
ton. When they vere the Tops, their fans 
referred to them as the Hot Nuts group, 
after their most popular naughty song. 
Thus began Doug Clark and the Hot 
Nuts, the world's first obscene rock-and- 
roll band and one of the most durable 
acts in entertainment history. Consid- 
егей so risqué that their first album had 
to be shipped in unmarked boxes on 
Greyhound buses, the Hot Nuts had sev- 
eral adult comedy hits in the Sixties, but 
got monumentally screwed out of their 
royalties and haven't recorded since. 
Still a tradition іп frat basements and 
alumni gatherings around the South 
and on the East Coast, they have re- 
leased their first compact disc, A Greatest 
Hits Collection (Hot Nuts, 888-902-DOUG), 


22 collecting the original material that 


U2: The Best of. 


U2 collected, 
the Hot Nuts recollected 
and rap redirected. 


made them legends. The Hot Nuts are 
the missing link between vaudeville and 
rap, so some of the jokes are funny be- 
cause they're funny, and some are funny 
because they're quaint in this age of Oval 
Office blow jobs. The Hot Nuts remain 
one of the world's greatest party bands— 
as well as an important chapter in Amer- 
ican social history. “He's got a girl, her 
name is Grace/She tastes so good when 
she sits on his face.” They don't write 
them like that anymore. 

As long as we're on the subject of par- 
ties, check out Seventies Disco Ball (Rhino), 
two CDs of the absolute best dance music 
of the era. There are also instructions 
and recipes for throwing the ultimate 
Seventies party. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


You probably know Sammy Llanas’ 
first group, the BoDeans, from Closer to 
Free—the bright, driving outburst of op- 
timism that TV’s Party of Five adopted 
as its anthem. Оп A Good Day to Die (Lla- 
nas), Llanas' new group, Absinthe, plays 
songs that are outbursts of pessimism. 
Llanas writes about kids bashed and 
shattered by bullies, parents, life’s cir- 
cumstances, even ominous weather. His 
music, meanwhile, has also grown gloom- 
ier: Bully on the Corner, the opening 
track, sounds like Lou Reed, but with 
more humor, Llanas can't help himself. 
He has a penchant for melody that 
makes his songs attractive, no matter 
how deep he delves into psychopatholo- 
gy. The result is a kind of perfection for 


those bold enough to seek out the bad 
news along with the good 

Columbia's release of Bob Dylan's Live 
1966: The Royal Albert Най Concert (Legacy) 
presents the greatest rock concert ever 
recorded. With more than 90 minutes of 
music on two discs—one acoustic—it's 
well annotated and has great photos. 
"The concert itself—actually in Manches- 
ter—was high drama, Dylan had been 
playing with a rock band for only a few 
months, and England's folk music die- 
hards came out to jeer him. Finally, one 
purist bigot hollers “Judas!” The voice 
nearly freezes listeners today; imagine 
how it must have sounded to Bob. His 


‚ response is immediate: “I don't believe 


you,” he responds with a snarl. "You're a 
liar,” he snaps. Then he kicks his band 
stic rendition of Like a Rolling 
to say, I have betrayed noth- 
gives me chills, 27 years later. 

— DAVE MARSH 


POP 


On Kate and Anna McGarrigle's The 
McGarrigle Hour (Hannibal), a bunch of 
middle-aged people sit around singing 
chestnuts instead of roasting them. The 
songs of Irving Berlin, Cole Porter and 
Stephen Foster meld sweetly into sea 
chanteys and Bahamian spirituals. Al- 
though Kate and Anna were plenty sal 
on 1996's Matapedia, unruffled sociabili- 
ty is the intention here, so there's no sex 
and only gentle jokes. It’s obviously not 
the future ofrock and roll, but the warm 
mood is seductive. Old friends who drop 
by add flavor. You can almost hear one of 
the sisters exclaiming, “Why, Linda Ron- 
stadt! I declare—where have you been 
keeping yourself?” —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


RAP 


Three albums into its career, Outkast 
has become one of the most innovative 
acts in hip-hop. On Aquemini (LaFace) 
the team of Andre Benjamin and Big Boi 
offers a diverse plate of civil rights ref- 
erences (Rosa Parks), funk homages (Syn- 
thesizer, featuring George Clinton) and 
rhyme skills (Da Art of Storytellin’). With a 
few exceptions, these 15 cuts are sample 
free and highly melodic, with sung cho- 
ruses bonding the rapid cadences of Dre 
and Boi. Guest appearances (Wu-Tang's 
Raekwon, Erykah Badu) add spice. Out- 
kast brings Southern flavor to Nineties 
hip-hop. — NELSON GEORGE 


New York rapper Canibus created a 
buzz outrhyming Wyclef and Common 
when he guested on their albums. But 
his own solo debut, Can-I-Bus (Universal), 
failed to meet hip-hop expectations. 


What else explains the lukewarm re- 
sponse to a CD where the metaphors 
keep on coming and the musical effects 
are witty? He's an old-fashioned bat- 
tler—arrogant, articulate and impolite. 
Between the Why Do Fools Fall in Love 
soundtrack and her protégée Nicole, 
Missy Elliott is one of R&B's hottest pro- 
ducers. But her niftiest collaboration yet 
is with the veteran rapper MC Lyte. On 
Lyte's Seven 8 Seven (EastWest), the Missy 
duets In My Business and Too Fly launch а 
lusty hour of funk. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


R&B 


"There are no surprises to be found on 
Keith Sweat's Still in the Game (Elektra), 
but that's good. Sweat is a reliable sing- 
er of contemporary rhythm and blues. 
Like Tyrone Davis and Bobby Womack 
in their primes, Sweat sings of love lost 
and found in his trademark needy tenor. 
Can We Make Love, I’m Not Ready and Just 
Another Day are well-made, tightly con- 
structed black pop. There are several 
guest appearances, but Sweat's message 
of chilled-out love is the selling point. 

—NELSON GEORGE 


COUNTRY 


Deana Carter's father, Fred (a respect- 
ed Nashville session guitarist and pro- 
ducer), wrote the wistful title track for 
Everything's Gonna Be Alright (Capitol). Al- 
right features a ZZ Top-like shuffle that 
defines You Still Shake Me, the pop inno- 
cence of Angels Working Overtime and a 
steamy Bobbie Gentry-inspired Never 
Comin’ Down. Carter connects with her 
favorite songwriting partner—Matraca 
Berg—for the lilting ballad Ruby Brown. 
Fred taught Deana to keep her ears 
open to diverse influences, and this al- 
bum reflects it. — DAVE HOEKSTRA 


JAZZ 


Other young sax players have re- 
ceived more attention than Dave Ellis, 
but they don't deserve it. His sound sits 
between Coltrane and Turrentine, and 
he has the ability to tell a convincing 
narrative, a skill that sets him apart from 
wannabes. Ellis was the third man in 
Charlie Hunter's original trio. But In the 
Long Run (Monarch) finds him far afield 
of acid-jazz fun, playing the mainstream 
from bebop to the present. 

Since he left Lou Reed's band in the 
early Eighties, guitarist David Torn has 
continued to experiment with swirling 
textures. On his latest project, Forever 
Sharp and Vivid (Lolo), the sound is a vel- 
vet fist. Torn’s romanticism links music 
that travels Ше map—Spanish serenade, 
gothic majesty and fusion freedom— 
while saxman Dave Castiglione helps 
center the sonic storm. МЕШ. TESSER 


FAST TRACKS 


8 


о о |с |с 


7 
8 
6 
8 


15 THIS THE BEST WAY TO REMEMBER ELVIS 
DEPARTMENT: A California cop who does 
an Elvis impersonation tours high 
schools and performs songs about seat 
belts and alcohol use. No one we 
know is against safety or sobriety; we 
just wonder how much more of this 
stuff the King can take. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Mariah Carey is 
waiting for a script from Kate (What's 
Love Got to Do With It) Lanier for Car- 
ey's film debut. Carey says no more 
CDs until the movie is in the can. ... 
Robbie Robertson be working on 
Sunset Strip, an American Graffiti-like 
movie set in the Seventies. . . . Vince 
Clarke of Erasure scored the music for a 
short film, Kiss My Brain, and would 
like to move on to features. . . . Na- 
tasha Lyonne will play a disco-loving 
teen in the Kiss movie, Detroit Rock 
City. You last saw Natasha in Slums of 
Beverly Hills. . . . I Love Rock and Roll, 
the 26th biggest song of all time (ac- 
cording to Billboard), is going to be 
a movie. We have Joan Jett to thank 
for that. 

NEWSBREAKS: Emmylou Harris is over- 
seeing the Gram Parsons tribute CD, 
with tracks contributed by Beck, Elvis 
Costello, Evan Dando, Lucinda Williems 
and Wilco. It's due out any day. ... 
New Rock and Roll Hall of Fame іп- 
ductee Dusty Springfield has a reissue 
of Dusty in Memphis in the record 
stores. It joins Dusty in London, which 
features some songs never before re- 
leased in the U.S. . . . LA. Reid has 
opened Fusebox, a restaurant in At- 


The cure is recording again at the 
former medieval monastery in Bath, 
England where they made Wild Mood 
Swings. The new disc is due this 
spring. - - - Heert’s Ann Wilson accept- 
ed her first theatrical role in the Seat- 
Че run ofa European cabaret piece 


called Teatro Zinzanni—Love, Chaos and 
Dinner. Wilson sings both Gershwin 
and Porter and calls the role and the 
songs a challenge. . . . Art Alexakis has 
built a home studio and recorded a 
solo CD for release this year. . . . Dave 
Davies has a double-disc anthology out 
this month. .. . The Smashing Pump- 
kins’ summer charity tour raised more 
than $2.8 million to benefit youth 
groups from each of the 15 cities it 
played. Who says there's no heart in 
rock and roll? . . . . Rock and Rap Con- 
fidential called our attention to the 
grafiti zine UPS, which last fall pub- 
lished a manuscript by KRS-1. You can 
find it on the Web at www.graffiti.org/ 
UPS. . . . Mery Chapin Carpenter will 
make her Broadway debut in the 
spring of 2000 as the writer of music 
and lyrics for Shane, based on the clas- 
sic Western. . . . For all you music fans 
born after the Sixties, allow us to hip 
you to Al Kooper's autobiography Back- 
stage Passes and Backstabbing Bastards, 
published by Billboard Books. For the 
unfamiliar, Kooper is synonymous 
with the Blues Project, early Blood, Sweat 
8 Tears, the French horn at the begin- 
ning of the stones’ You Can't Always Get 
What You Want and the unforgettable 
organ on Dylan's Like а Rolling Stone. 
And that was all before he produced 
Lynyrd Skynyrd. The book is put togeth- 
er like after-dinner conversation with 
someone who has been at the center 
of rock and roll for 40 years. Read 
Kooper to get what you need... .. We 
began with the King and we're ending 
with him, too. Poor Elvis never had 
the chance to tour Europe, but he 
wanted to, and now he gets to do it. 
The 11-city tour of Elvis: The Concert 
began in January. That's an on-screen 
Elvis touring with a live orchestra. On 
second thought, Elvis is never going 
to visit Europe. —BARBARA NELLIS 


WIRED 


DIGITAL READS 
Like the idea of curling up with a good 


electronic book? Neither do we, but elec- 
tronic books have their merits. These 
computer tablets can download and dis- 
play text from books, magazines, news- 
papers and other documents, and they 
are a lot easier to lug than thousands of 
paper-cquivalent pages. E-books are also 
convenient (you can store several news- 
papers on one for your morning com- 
mute), ecofriendly (no trees or recycling 
required) and efficient. Don’t like your 
vacation book? Plug in a new one. Re- 
member, you don't have to make a trip 
to the library or bookstore for a new 
read. Simply connect your e-book to a 
phone line, dial up the manufacturer's 
Web-based bookstore, make a selection 


and wait a few minutes while it down- 


Joads. E-books have backlit screens for 
night reading and easy-to-follow icons 
for turning and marking pages, taking 
notes and more. Some models even 
come with a dictionary and a thesaurus. 
Prices for the hardware (available from 
Softbook Press, NuvoMedia and Еуегу- 
book) range from $299 to $1500, de- 
pending on storage capacity and fea- 
tures. You may have to open an account 
(costing upwards of $10 per month) to 
get access to content. But all digital read- 
ing material will be cheaper than the pa- 
per variety. So we're told. 

—JOHN WINTERS 


POCKET BROKERS 


Your broker may be indispensable for 
providing hot stock tips, but when it 
comes to helping you keep tabs on the 
ticker, wireless technology has him beat. 
“The Beepwear Pro wristwatch ($150) 
from Timex and Motorola keeps time 
and delivers pager messages while re- 


24 ceiving real-time stock quotes and alert- 


ing you to changes in key holdings in 
your portfolio. Data Broadcasting leases 
a calculator-sized FM receiver called 
QuoTrek, which provides stock quotes as 
well as news about the day's big gainers 
and losers. MarketClip is a service from 
Reuters America and Aether Technolo- 
gies International that delivers quotes, 
charts, options and other market infor- 
mation to 3Com’s PalmPilot Professional 
personal digital assistants and Hewlett 
Packard’s handheld PC. Beepwear is the 
most economical way to go, at a cost of 
about $50 per month. The other services 
require an activation fee of as much as 
$100 and at least that much every month 
in subscriber fees. уж 


ВЕЕР MY VALENTINE 


Leave it to Japanese technophiles to 
morph virtual pets into virtual match- 
makers. The Lovegety, like its distant 
cousin the Tamagotchi, is an egg-shaped 
electronic device on a keychain that sin- 
gles are toting to nightclubs and social 
events. When a guy packing his blue 
Lovegety gets within 15 feet of a woman 
and her pink one, the gadgets emit si- 
multaneous beeps, suggesting each own- 
er is in the mood to mingle. Lovegeties 


Cell phones don't get much slicker than Nokio's 
6160. The digital ringer (pictured here in actual 


size) comes in a selectian of iridescent colors 


names straight out of с J. Crew catalog (ocean is 
the greenish hue shown here, earth is а bur- 


gundy shade and sky is light blue). In terms 


tech, the 6160 is fully loaded. It has а 199- 
name-and-phone-number directory and 35 
distinctive ringing tones that сап be pro- 
grammed to distinguish among calls from the 


boss, mom and your main squeeze. The 
phone receives and displays pager mes- 
sages on its large LCD screen and also 
serves as а calculator, currency converter 
апа game machine. Four digital diversions, 
including a variation of Concentration, will 
keep you occupied at the airport for about 
five hours. Beyond that, the battery will be 
out of juice and you'll be out of reach. 
The price: about $200; less with a pack- 
age deal from your cell phone service 
provider. е Polaroid has entered the 
computer age. Its ColorShot digital 
photo printer connects to any PC to ге- 
produce images from the Web, e-mail, 
digital cameras or scanners in Po- 
laroid print form. Plus, it’s small 
enough to pack in а briefcase if you 
wont to print from a notebook com- 
puter while you're on the road. The 
price: $300, plus $30 for a ten-print 
pack of film. —BETH TOMKIW 


WILD THINGS 


can be programmed to sound off three 
ways to indicate whether someone near- 
by is interested in chatting, getting to 
know one another better or having a ro- 


mantic interlude. More than 1 million of 
the electronic icebreakers were sold in 
Japan during the first six months of 
availability. Will jaded Americans share 
this enthusiasm? There are plenty of 
people who are betting they will. The 
$25 twist-on Tamagotchi is expected to 
arrive Stateside later this summer. Or, if 
you're desperate for a date, you can 
order samples from the Web hub of 
Lip Service Communication (Love- 
Gety.com). —Р]. HUFFSTUTTER 


with 


of 


VIDEO VALENTINES 


how to get 
a rise out of 
your loves online 


If you plan to e-mail your Valentine's 
Day greetings this year, consider this: 
‘Text is out, video is in. What better way 
to express your sentiments than by send- 
ing yourself—or, at least, a full-motion, 
full-color facsimile thereof—over the In- 
ternet? And with a host of new packages 
that come with everything you need to 
capture and send v-mail, 


tion—again, а snap on all fronts. With 
each of the systems, about ten minutes’ 
worth of mouse clicks and drags is all it 
takes before you're looking at your own 
image on the monitor. The software that 
comes with the cameras allows you to 
e-mail both the video clip and the player 
in a single “executable” file. This means 
the recipient doesn't need extra hard- 
ware or software to view it. 


TIPS AND TRICKS 


Keep your y-mail short and sweet. 
Valentine's v-mail should arouse, not an- 


free and can be downloaded from web. 
‚edu/network/pgp-hıml. 


THE OPPOSITE END 


Before you send your video, make sure 
your sweetheart has the necessary player 
software to view it. Otherwise, your digi- 
tal flick will be as difficult to access as a 
box of chocolates embedded in concrete. 
Both you and your v-pal need Internet 
service and an e-mail program that can 
send and receive attached files. If you 
don't have the proper e-mail software 
(for example, cc:mail, Internet Explorer, 
Netscape Communica- 


you'll be a master of ro- 
mantic messaging in no 
time. Note: Don't expect 


the ture quality of 

v-mail to match that of nggon = 

television. The business БЫ чш 
indeed. 


card-sized images look 
less like MTV and more 
like a surveillance re- 
cording of a liquor-store 
holdup. Still, it's fun to 
вес your loved one per- 
form just for you on the 
digital screen. In fact, 
we recommend that you 
hand out v-mail cameras 
(along with your e-mail 
address) as carly Valen- 
tine’s Day presents. It 
really is more blessed to 
give than to receive. 


THE GEAR 


The simplest way to be- 
come a v-mailer is to get 
a package that combincs 
the hardware necessary 
to capture, edit and send 
video and audio clips. 
We looked at three sys- 
tems: CVideo-Mail, Sony's FunMail Video 
Emcil System and e-Com. All three work 
with computers that run Windows 95 or 
98. The easiest and cheapest of the trio is 
Newcom's e-Cam ($90), with a cord that 
plugs right into your PC's printer port. 
CVideo-Mail ($249) and FunMail ($199) 
systems require you to get under the 
hood of your PC and install a video cap- 
ture card into an unused expansion slot. 
"The advantage to having a video capture 
card is that you can expand your creativ- 
ity tenfold by using a camcorder or VCR 
as your video source. With the e-Cam, 
you're stuck with the camera you're giv- 
en, which means you have to lug your 
computer with you wherever you shoot 
your video. That's fine if you're using a 
laptop but confining if your sole PC is 
a 20-pound-plus desktop model. With 
all three systems you can easily record 
audio to accompany your video. The 
CVideo-Mail and Funmail packages 
come with microphones. You'll have to 
supply your own microphone with the 
e-Cam. The final step is software installa- 


The Toshiba Equim 
PC plus Sony's 


noy. А 15-second video clip can consume 
as much as 500 kilobytes, which takes 
several minutes to download using a 
28.8 kbps modem. You can keep the file 
size tolerable by selecting a small window 
size and a high compression rate from 
the preferences option within the appli- 
cation software. 

Once is enough. If you and your y-pal 
plan to send lots of videos back and 
forth, don't bother embedding the view- 
er software into every file you send. Just 
e-mail the player program once as an 
attachment, and send the videos on 
their own. 

Play it paranoid. The Internet is not a 
secure medium. As that video you just 
shot whizzes through the wires, someone 
other than the intended recipient could 
figure out a way to scoop it up. Next 
thing you know, you or your sweetheart 
are on a video box next to Pam and 
Tommy. To prevent this, you should en- 
crypt any file you wouldn't want your 
mother to see. One of the best епсгур: 
tion programs, Pretty Good Privacy, 


tor or AOL), go to мл 
eudora.com and down- 
load the popular (and 
free) program Eudora 
Light. To listen to the au- 
dio portion of your digi 
tal love note, the recipi 
ent needs a sound card 
in his or her computer. 
The SoundBlaster is the 
industry standard. Make 
sure yours is compatible 
with it. If the tangle of 
wires gets to be too much 
and you end up giving 
the camera to the kid 
next door, you can still 
add a liule color to your 
e-mail by sending a Web 
postcard. Try www.we 
mailcards.com for a se- 
lection of free love notes, 
complete with sound ef- 
fects. Other fun options: 
Send her a virtual bou- 
quet of flowers (blue 
mountain.com), or a kiss 
(thekiss.com) 

—MARK FRAUENFELDER 


CYBERSCOOP 


1^ Attaching a photograph to your 
= e-mail is another way to get 
your messages noficed. And 
thanks ta Kodak's PhotoNet Online 
(www photonet.com), с digital camera 
аг scanner із no longer necessary. Far 
$4.95 per month (and about $5 рег го! 
tacked оп ta your film-processing fees), 
you can have your images scanned 
to a private possword-prolected ac- 
count on Kodak's PhatoNet Web site. 
Up to 100 photos can be archived at 
a time. The benefits? You can arder 
reprinis online, attach pictures ta 
e-mail and create T-shirts, coffee mugs, 
greeting cards or other navelties far 
yourself, family and friends. 


See what's happening an Playboy's 
Home Page at http://www. playboy.cam. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 151. 


25 


26 


TRAVEL 


HOW TO LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE 


Going to Prague for two weeks? You can skip Czech lessons. 
“It's a very hard language—picking up enough to get by 
would probably take longer than the trip,” says Martin Weiss, 
press secretary of the Czech embassy. But for any casual trav- 
eler who's computer savvy, learning a foreign language 
needn't mean Czechmate. In fact, interactive CD-ROM soft- 
ware with voice recognition actually makes practice fun. The 
Learning Company offers some heavy-duty three-CD kits that 
will have you speaking Spanish, French, or German like a na- 
tive if you go the total-immersion route. The average travel- 
er, however, may be better off with the company's Passport to 
31 Languages CD-ROM, which provides about 2500 words 
and 250 phrases in everything from Arabic and Indonesian to 
Swahili and Vietnamese. The Learning Company isn't alone 
in offering quickie courses in esoteric languages. Syracuse 
Language System's Smart-Start includes Mandarin—which 
should come in handy if you've been 
transferred to Shanghai. Syracuse also 
maintains a Web site, languagecon 
nect.com, where you can order 
software direct or link to other 
language-related sites. But that’s 

nothing compared to what on- 

line bookstores offer. Amazon. 

com has over 500 titles in its 

forcign-language section alone, 
Many are audiocassettes de- 
signed to be played while you're 
driving or exercising. You should 
also check out Audio Forum's Whole 
World Language Catalog, which offers 
more than 270 cassettes, videos and 
CD-ROMs, plus ethnic music tapes and 
classic films, in almost 100 languages. 
All the films have English subtitles— 
use them to see how you're doing. — ANNE SPISELMAN 


NIGHT MOVES: TOKYO 


Neighborhoods rule in Tokyo. The locals prefer Roppongi for 
the discos and live music. Shinjuku is the red-light district 
gone upscale, but massage parlors and spas (legitimate and 
otherwise) still line the alleys. Ginza draws tourists with trendy 
restaurants, pubs, cafés and hostess bars. Many of the popular 
nightspots in these neighborhoods have mandatory cover and 
service charges, so take enough money. If you've chosen Rop- 
pongi, start with cocktails and live jazz at Birdland, a cozy, 
candlelit club in the basement of the Square Building (3-10-3 
Roppongi). In Ginza, stroll pub to pub (there are hundreds of 
them). For terrific sushi and sashimi, stop in Fukuzushi (5-7-8 
Roppongi). Traditional Japanese cuisine is served at Kamon 
restaurant in the Imperial Hotel (1-1-1 Uchisaiwai-cho, Ні- 
biya, near Ginza) or try one of Tokyo's German beer halls, 
such as the Sapporo Lion (7-9-20 Ginza). But the ultimate 
Nipponese dining experience may be kaiseki, a series of mor- 
sels served in intricate boxes and bowls. То experience it, 
make a reservation at Takamura (3-4-27 Roppongi), but be 
prepared to drop $200 per person, For cheaper fare, visit a 

Jakitori-ya, such as Atariya (3-5-17 Ginza), where grilled 

chicken and beer are served. Some dance clubs stay open 

until five am. Most geisha bars are closed to foreigners (un- 

less you're with a local), but there are plenty of hostess b: 
where the price of a cocktail ($10 and up) buys you a pretty 
but platonic drinking companion. Club Maiko (7-7-6 Ginza) 
is especially friendly to foreigners and the cover charge (about 
580 per person) includes a couple drinks, snacks and a dance 
show. Hostesses’ drinks are extra, of course. —LARRY OLMSTED 


—— GREAT ESCAPE 


KATHMANDU 
Тһе pagodas and cloud-piercing peaks of Nepal have lured 
travelers since the Himalayan nation opened up in the 
Fifties. You can plan your own two-week trip for as little as 
$3500 and engage in such activities as trekking, white-wa- 
ter rafting and festival-hopping. Visit Kathmandu for the 
Nepali new year this spring or the Tihar and Da- 
sain festivals in October. Tihar, the 
festival of lights, pays 
homage to the goddess 
of wealth while Dasain 
is the festival of Durga 
goddess worship. During 
these celebrations, pro- 
cessions fill the streets 
and the nights are 
bright from oil lamps. 
(During Dasain, every- 
one gets slathered 
with paint and goats’ 
blood. You've been 
warned.) For the best 
of the festivals, check 


Web, then buy a 
round-trip ticket and 
stay at the posh Yak 
and Yeti Hotel. For a 
15-day tour of “classic Nepal," call Geographic Expe- 
ditions in San Francisco at 800-777-8183. The cost is 
$2600 excluding airfare. —SHERMAKAYE BASS. 


ROAD STUFF 


Mulholland Brothers’ new California Safari line is great lug- 
gage, whether you're headed up the Zambezi or catching a 
Concorde. “We're the last American company to build bent- 
wood-framed suitcases by hand,” says company pres- 
ident Jay Holland. The two styles pictured here, 
from the Long Bound Collection, are the Interna- 
tional Trolley with wheels and a retractable handle 
($1760) and a 36-inch suitcase fitted with remov- 
able wheels and a pull strap ($1485). 
Both are covered in rugged, water- 
proof canvas and have leather straps 
and trim. Hardware is solid brass. 
* Phonecoat by Foggy Notion is a 
phone case in nylon or leather that 
slips on your belt horizontally. It's 
priced at $13 to $20. For another $6 
you can get a Tag-Along strap for it 
that attaches your Phonecoat to golf 
bags, etc. * The 1056-page World 
Travel Guide, 17th edition is the 
travel industry's best-selling 
destination publication 
and a must for anyone. 
with wanderlust. Every 
country in the world is 
covered (there are more 
than 150 pages on the 
U.S. alone) and infor- 
mation is included on 
visa and passport require- 
ments. Price: $159. —DAvID STEVENS 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 151 


If you ever get a chance 
to buy one of these women a drink, 
please don’t screw up. 


: Ve s. 


CHIVAS REGAL. YOU EITHER HAVE !t OR YOU DON'T. 


Enjoy 4 responsibly 


28 


BOOKS | 


JUST THE FACTS 


In his eighth novel, Angels Flight (Little, Brown), best-selling 
author Michael Connelly brings back Harry Bosch, the sol- 
emn Los Angeles police detective whose earlier exploits 
carncd Connelly an Edgar award from the Mystery Writers of 


America. This time, a wiser, more ma- 
ture Bosch is assigned to head a AN GELS 
FLIGHT 


highly charged investigation into 
the murder of a prominent black 
attorney who was a hero to many 
(and an enemy to cops) for win- 
ning huge settlements in police- 
brutality cases. Facing pressure 
from every conceivable angle while 
the streets of South Central Los Ап- 
geles simmer under the spotlights of 
ТУ helicopters, Bosch realizes he 
must first solve the murder of a lead- 
ing citizen's young daughter to un- 
ravel this current case. Connelly 
draws on his experience as a crime 
reporter for the Los Angeles Times to 
present a vivid, convincing picture of the inner workings of 
the LAPD. In this deftly plotted tale in which the suspense 
builds to an artful conclusion, Connelly elevates the police 
procedures to a higher standard and moves to the top of the 
class of contemporary police crime writers. —PAUL ENGLEMAN 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBSESSION/S 


It's easy to slag Bret Easton Ellis for his cartoonish toke on 
gore or his breathless chronicling of vapid pop cultu 
What's missing in the criticism is that he's o tolented writer 
who may have а greot book in him but who seems unable 
to make the effort to write it. Expect his new book, Glamora- 
ma (Knopf), to get trashed for its obsession with the world of 
models. Ellis drops a hundred names in the first 23 pages 
alone. About 150 pages in, just as you're obout to throw the 
book across the room, Glamorama turns surreol and violent. 
The antihero Victor falls in with o crowd of bomb-throwing 
models-turned-terrorists. He also begins making mysterious 
references to a director ond o screenwriter who appear to 
be controlling the plot und his 
life. Of course—a moviel Word 
(Warner Books) by Coerte V.W. 
Felske is the book Ellis didn't 
want to write. It's a stroightfor- 
word sotire of Star Camp, USA, 
Felske's term for the movie 
colony. His narrator, Heywood 
Hoon, is о winning and wicked 
Ivy League prepster trying to 
conquer Hollywood. He's a 
screenwriter, and things are go- 
ing miserably except for his 
not-so-litile black book of gor- 
geous LA women. Felske does a 
greot job with female characters, ond his ployful language 
introduces strugs (struggling actors), WAMs (waitress- 
actress-model) and noguls (wonnabe movie moguls). Felske 
also has one eye on the screen, still, sometimes a book is 
meant to be just a good read, and we're grateful for it. 
—CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 


EAR CANDY 


Looking for something to take the boredom out of commut- 
ing or jogging? Audio publishers are offering an carful of 
murder and money and even a laugh or two. In James Patter- 
son's When the Wind Blows (Time Warner), read by actor Blair 
Brown, a newly widowed veterinarian and an FBI agent bat- 
tle evil scientists engaged in dark DNA experiments. Stephen 
King's Bag of Bones (Simon & Schuster), about a blocked writer 
who returns to the summer home he shared with his late wife, 
is already a best-selling book. Now King’s twangy narration 
adds an authentic New England touch to this unabridged, 
22-hour rendition of his special blend of small-town horror 
and human endurance. James W. Hall's Body Language (Bril- 
liance) takes а mere ten unabridged hours to fill us in on 
Alexandra Rafferty, who, more than a decade ago at the age of 
13, killed the man who raped her. Haunted by that experi- 
ence, she's now a Miami police photographer with a particu- 
lar fascination with a serial rapist. Hall's welcome departure 
from series books is enhanced by Laural Merlington’s multi- 
accented rendition. Ed McBain's gruff narration aids and 
abets his latest 87th Precinct police story, The Big Bad City (Au- 
dio Renaissance). But listeners should beware of Blue Light 
(Time Warner) by Walter Mosley. The author has temporarily 
deserted his splendid Easy Rawlins crime series fora New Age 
allegory about people whose consciousness is raised by a mys- 
terious blue light and an inscrutable Gray Man determined to 
destroy them. In this au- 
dio adaptation, at least, 
the plot seems little more 
than a string of violent, 
grotesque sequences 
Icading to an ambiguous 
conclusion. Stock market 
success is the subject of 
The Motley Fool's Rule Mak- 
ers, Rule Breakers (Simon & 
Schuster), in which Wall 
Street gurus Tom and Da- 
vid Gardner offer their 
unique theories on in- 
vestments (for more fool- 
ery, see this month’s 20 
Questions). Marketing ex- 
pert Jeffrey J. Fox lays down the rules for corporate ladder- 
climbing in CEO: The Rules for Rising to the Top of Any Organization 
(Audio Renaissance). And Richard Carlson's Don’t Sweat the 
Small Stuff at Work (Simon & Schuster) suggests ways to mini- 
mize workplace stress while maximizing productivity. Finally, 
Steve Martin’s Pure Drivel (Simon & Schuster) is a pure delight. 
The popular actor spent three years away from cameras, реп- 
ning plays, skits and these humorous essays, which reflect his 
superb timing and dead-on delivery. Consider the bizarre 
medication warnings in Side Effects: “Men may experience im- 
potence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful 

erection will accompany your daily walking-around time.” 
—DICK LOCHTE 


LET THE MUSIC PLAY 

For more than 20 years, Atlontic Records’ 
house photogropher Lee Friedlander pro- 
duced some of the most famous publicity 
shots, album covers ond artist portraits in the 
music business. These remarkable photos 
are collected in Americon Musicians (D.A.P). 
The legends of jozz, blues, R&B and gospel 
аге all here—Aretho, Miles, Ello, Mohalio, 

Sinotra. An exhibition of these photogrophs 

hos already been moved from New York to 

San Francisco. —HELEN FRANGOULIS 


Leg Friedlander 


High Sensation 


ribbed texture for extra stimulation 


Ge lubriated ) 


FITNESS 


BODY LOGIC 
BY BETH TOMKIW 


To call Edward Jackowski opinionated is an understate- 
ment. The 39-year-old owner of Exude, a company that spe- 
cializes in one-on-one fitness, authored Hold It! You're Exercis- 
ing Wrong, a book that disputes almost everything you've 
heard about working out. He also claims his trademarked fit- 
ness regimen based on body types is “the only program in 
existence designed to help a person improve his shape.” 
Normally we'd dismiss such egotism, but the truth is the pro- 
gram works (we've tried it)—and it is unique. In an industry 
notorious for offering generic advice, he's precise about what 
you need to do to getin shape. And it doesn't require taking 

aerobics classes, using flashy 
gym equipment or paying for a 
personal trainer. To fine-tune 
your physique, you simply need 
to know which exercises are 
most effective for your body 
type and then commit one hour 
at least three days per week to 
performing them. Jackowski's 
routine, it's worth remembe 
ing, will not transform you in- 
to Mr. Universe. It's not about 
building hulkish muscles, but 
rather is designed to improve 
definition and proportion. Fol- 
are low the rules and Jackowski 
guarantees you'll see measurable results. 

WHAT'S YOUR TYPE: Jackowski's body types are easy to visual- 
ize. You're a Cone if you carry most of your weight in your up- 
per body (think John Goodman). You're a Ruler if you're pro- 
portionate top to toe (e.g., Jim Carrey). Guys like Nathan 
Lane, who pack it on below the waist, are Spoons. And if you 
have that natural “V” shape, maintaining a waist- 
line when fit or fat, then you're an Hourglass like 
Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

ORDER IS CRITICAL: The workout begins witha => 
six- to ten-minute warmup on an exercise bike or 
treadmill. (Go with a low tension level on the bike 
and keep the treadmill flat.) With your muscles 
sufficiently loose, you can safely stretch. Spend 
about four to seven minutes working the arms, 
legs and back. Hold each stretch for 15 to 30 sec- 
onds and breathe normally. Next comes the 
workload, a 25-minute combination of cardiovas- 
cular and resistance training that gets your heart 
pumping and your muscles aching. Cooldown, 


the final three- to five-minute phase, 
isn't a repeat of stretching (as most fit- 
ness experts would recommend). Jack- 
owski wants you to reduce the intensity 
of your cardio work in order to return 
your heartbeat to its resting rate. Bike 
slower, walk instead of run, lower the 
resistance on the StairMaster. You're 
properly cooled when the pounding in 
your chest subsides. 

That's the order. Неге are the body 
types, with our take on the recom- 
mended exercises to do and the ones 
to avoid. 


RULER (40 PERCENT OF ALL MEN) 


The Score: Rulers appear physically balanced, though they 
have a tendency to plump around the middle. The goal? To 
gain muscle definition, lose the gut and build a hardy heart. 

Good Cardio: Just about anything goes—the more intense, 
the better. Jog, jump rope, swim, use a StairMaster, stationary 
bike or rower. Just get moving. 

Bad Cardio: 1f you're overweight, avoid 
too much tension on any machine. Keep 
the levels moderate and go for speed. 

Resistance Training Tips: Rulers need to 
work the upper and lower body evenly. As 
a rule of thumb, regardless of body type, 
the thinner you are the more weight you 
can lift without bulking up. Choose an 
amount that burns your muscles as you 
hit 20 repetitions. When that gets easy, 
increase the heft. If you need to drop 
pounds, start with light weights and per- 
form one set of 25 to 50 reps. Increase the 
weight only after you lose mass. And get 

crunching. Jackowski recom- 
mends a combination of sit- 
? ups, elbow-to-knee crunches 
and reverse crunches. Work up to 100 reps each. 


CONE (30 PERCENT OF ALL MEN) 


The Score: Cones need to work the legs and burn 
calories to minimize fat, which tends to accumu- 
late above the waist. 

Good Cardio: Get busy on a stationary bike, Stair- 
Master, elliptical trainer or any machine that tax- 
es the lower body. Spinning classes, particularly 
those with simulated hill climbing, also work 
wonders. (concluded on page 142) 


You could spend your life in 
the gym ond still never score a 
gig as on underwear model. 
The qualifications for that job 
оге written in the DNA, soys 
Dr. Mark Zukowski, а plostic 
surgeon in Chicago. “Most 
guys just don't have the genet- 
іс moterial,” he soys. But you 
con buy the look. New ultra- 
sonic liposuction techniques 


moke it possible for surgeons 
to sculpt you a six-pack. 
"most guys just want to eli 
nate their midriff bulge,” says 
Dr. Zukowski. According lo the 
Americon Society of Plostic 
and Reconstructive Surgeons, 
liposuction is the most re- 
quested form of cosmetic plos- 
fic surgery among men, with 
20,192 procedures performed 


in 1997 (an increase of more 
thon 200 percent since the be- 
g of the decode). Eye- 
lid lifts are next (14,037), fol- 
lowed by nose jobs (9118) and 
foce-lifts (5067). The price of 
perfection: Liposuction of the 
obdomen will set you back be- 
tween $1700 ond $5000, de- 
pending on Ihe surgeon ond 
the girth that hos to go. The 


poin foctor: Zukowski had ul- 
trasonic liposuction performed 
оп his spare tire. This less-in- 
vasive technique, which melts 
the fat before removing it, of- 
fers о quicker recovery time 
than eorlier forms of lipo. “1 wos 
bock to work in three days,” he 
says, comparing the pointo the 
muscle soreness thot occurs of- 
ter o reolly tough workout.—8.1 


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МЕМ 


he time has come to discuss a ma- 

jor difference between men and 
women. But be warned: This particular 
difference is sensitive and must be han- 
dled with great skill. 

The leading authority on the issue is 
Dr. Wiener Schnitzel, a six-time Nobel 
Prize winner who established his famous 
Institute of Intestinal Gases in Vienna in 
1966. Dr. Schnitzel was born in Melk, 
Austria in 1932, but shortly before 
World War II he was sent to the U.S., 
where he was raised on a hog farm in 
Arkansas. He received his Ph.D. in flat- 
ulence studies from Yale Univers 
1964 and returned to Austria the follow- 
ing year. 

Recently, PLAYBOY flew me to Vienna 
to interview Schnitzel, and the privilege 
was mine. Schnitzel is a short, bearded 
man with a thick accent, dirty fingernails 
and a warped sense of humor. I knew 
from the moment 1 entered his laborato- 
ту that I was in the presence of great- 
ness. After a few polite preliminaries, 
I began: 

Baber: Dr. Schnitzel, your most recent 
best-seller is called Farting Is a Gender Is- 
sue. Why did you choose that title? 

Schnitzel: Because farting is a gender 
issue. I know of no subject that separates 
men and women more than this опе 
‘They have completely different attitudes 
toward it. So I decided to research the 
area and find the answers. 

Baber: But weren't your publishers 
afraid your ttle would be undiplomatic? 

Schnitzel: Excuse me, Asa. You, of all 
people, are giving me lessons in diplo- 
macy? You, who irritate more than half 
the Western world on a continual basis 
with your shitty little Men columns? 
Spare me. My book title is perfect, and 
my book sales show it. 

Baber: But women aren't buying it, 
and they're the ones who make the book 
market, you know. 

Schnitzel: Nonsense. Women are buy- 
ing it. They just get their men friends to 
buy it for them. Women are quite curi- 
arch on farting, but 
it publicly, you see. In 
this area, they always hide their cards. 
It's genetic. 

Baber: Vhen these attitudes about fart- 
ing are one of the greatest differences 
between men and women? 

Schnitzel: Absolutely. Have you seen 
the latest pamphlet from the National 


32 Organization for Women, entitled Wom- 


By ASA BABER 


LAUGHING 
GAS 


en Don't Fart? What about the Mothers 
Don't Fart Foundation? Read Gloria Stei- 
nem’s latest book, Men Fart, Women Nour- 
ish. Wake up and smell the flatulence, 
gas-breath. Women will always demand 
that we men view them as angels. They 
want to appear as heavenly, nonfarting 
creatures. 

Baber: You say these gender differ- 
ences about farting start early in life. 
How early? 

Schnitzel: By early adolescence, most 
boys are quite busy farting and making 
farting sounds and telling fart jokes. And 
most girls are embarrassed and disgust- 
ed and condescending about the subject. 
There are huge differences in this area 
between the sexes. 

Baber: And your explanation? 

Schnitzel: It comes down to genetics 
and the way we raise boys in this culture. 
We entrap boys in school and imprison 
them, and then we appoint mostly wom- 
en as wardens. We tell boys to sit still 
most of the day. We tell them to behave 
passively, to be quiet, not to run or fight 
or be aggressive. We try to turn them 
into nice little girls. But the boys pro- 
test and try to break the chains that 
bind them, And one of the ways they do 
this is by fa It is a supremely revo- 
Ішіопагу act. They want to overthrow 
a power structure through secrecy and 
subterfuge. 


Baber: Farting is revolutionary? 

Schnitzel: Of course. Just take yourself 
back to your school days: The teacher is 
in the front of the room droning on 
about something, the girls are sitting 
there happy to be absorbing knowledge 
under peaceful conditions, and you are 
going crazy with boredom. You gaze out 
the windows and fantasize about sports 
and sex and sports and sex, What better 
way at those moments to disturb the rul- 
ing parties than by farting? So you let it 
rip. And you receive instant gratification 
and high praise from your male peers. 

Baber: But it's so immature. 

Schnilzel: Perhaps, but it does work. 


2 Haven't you ever been in a classroom 


when a Grade A fart was released? The 
teacher loses control, the girls blush and 
the boys fecl triumphant. There arc a 
few beautiful seconds in their otherwise 
dominated lives when the boys win. It 
doesn't last. It never does. The boys are 
on the road to emasculation and they 
know it. Sometimes they are sent to the 
principal's office for a reprimand. Cer- 
tainly they receive bad grades for con- 
duct. But they have made the revolu- 
tionary gesture, and that's what counts. 
In a few years, they will be sitting in 
business meetings and other gatherings 
where they can't do even that. But while 
they are young, they can do something 
about it. 

Baber: You said Grade A farts? 

Schnitzel: Yes. My work at the Institute 
has classified farts into several grada- 
tions and categories. A Grade A fart has 
a high volume of noise and a high con- 
tent of gas. It can fill a normal classroom 
or meeting hall in only a few seconds. 
It has moisture, odor, sound, direction, 
context and subtext. It hits more than 
one musical note and can jump more 
than an octave in range. It lasts for sev- 
eral seconds. As I like to say, a Grade A 
fart is a work of art. 

Baber: But as boys become men, don't 
they lose this fascination with such puer- 
ile matters? 

Schnitzel: They pretend to be mature 
and responsible adults. But bring a 
whoopee cushion to your next meeting 
and see what happens. We can drop all 
pretenses and go back to boyhood in the 
wink of an eye—or should I say in the 
wink ofa sphincter? 


MONEY MATTERS 


By CHRISTOPHER BYRON 


decade ago we had the waning 

days of the junk bond, as prac- 
ticed by Drexel Burnham Lambert and 
its salesman extraordinaire, Michael 
Milken, Now a new religion of riches 
spreads through Wall Street: so-called 
day-trading. Come with us for a visit to 
Broadway Consulting, one of a growing 
number of schools devoted to teaching 
how to capitalize on almost any situation 
where stocks move first one way, then 
the other. 

These moment-to-moment changes 
allowed hedge fund speculators and in- 
vestment banks to make some of their 
greatest profits in the current bull mar- 
ket. Now, the Internet gives everyday in- 
vestors an opportunity to try it for them- 
selves, creating demand for the skills 
that Broadway Consulting stands ready 
to teach. 

It is not yet fully appreciated how big 
a force in the markets day-trading has 
become in the past few years. Broadway 
Trading has fewer than 400 clients using 
its services, yet at the peak of last sum- 
mer's market boom, they alone account- 
ed for an estimated one percent of all 
volume on the Nasdaq electronic stock 
exchange. 

And Broadway isn't alone in the day- 
trading business. In New Jersey, All-Tech 
Investment Group, founded by Harvey 
Houtkin, is considered the granddaddy 
ofthem all, having been in business since 
1988. In New York, not ten blocks from 
Broadway Consulting, is the day-trading 
firm Harbor Securities. There's ЕМІ. 
‘Trading in Bellevue, Washington and in 
San Jose, it's Pacific Day Trading. 

One thing day-trading schools seem to 
have in common is the utterly eclectic ar- 
ray of their students. They range from 
lawyers, dentists and other profession- 
als like my pal Paul, to cabdrivers and 
teenagers in jeans and T-shirts—all shar- 
ing an awkward intimacy as they strug- 
gle to master a trading activity that until 
recently had been exclusively the do- 
main of Wall Street's wealthiest and most 
powerful institutions. 

Once these schools teach you how to 
play, the day-trading firms with which 
they are affiliated stand ready, like At- 
lantic City croupiers, to take your bet— 
usually for a fee of around two cents per 
share on each trade. Because a day-trad- 
er can buy and sell the same stock two or 
three times in a minute, those two-cents- 
a-share commissions can add up fast. 


DAY- 
TRADERS 


Day-trading is actually a combination 
of pinball and Nintendo played out in 
numbers on a computer screen. A day- 
trader will stare into that screen for 
hours, hoping to guess which way his fa- 
vorite stocks will move, based on certain 
leading indicators. You don't need in- 
vestment smarts to win this game. You 
don't need to know the difference be- 
tween a balance sheet and an income 
statement. You just have to be able to sit 
still for six and one half hours a day, eat- 
ing pizza and drinking coffee, while you 
stay alert enough to hit a buy or a sell 
button on the keyboard within a nano- 
second of seeing a stock move. 

Because there are now thousands— 
probably tens of thousands—of day- 
traders doing the same thing, the time 
between action and reaction has been re- 
duced to mere seconds. 

To sce for myself what happens in this 
strange world of playing Nintendo for 
profit, I not long ago visited Broadway 
Consulting's offices. 1 watched the com- 
pany's president—a 29-year-old fellow 
named George West—teach a class of 50 
students how to trade stocks such as 
Amazon.com by using price movements 
in the Standard & Poor's 500 Index as 
leading indicators. 

The S&P 500, which is traded on the 
Chicago Mercantile Exchange, is the 
world’s most widely traded investment 


index. It is used by big institutional 
money managers around the globe 
(from mutual fund portfolio managers 
to banks and pension fund managers), 
which means its movement tends to drag 
the rest of the market along with it—at 
least for a few minutes, 

It is, of course, during those few min- 
utes when the day-trader must make 
move. “Futures are the leading indi 
tor," explained West, as he drank a Coke 
and pointed at a jagged trend line оп 
the chalkboard. “After the futures move, 
cash will follow.” 

West's lecture was sprinkled with such 
aphorisms as: Strong stocks get stronger, 
weak stocks get weaker; never trade a 
stock when it isn’t moving. And from 
time to time he'd throw out a nugget of 
wisdom gleaned from his experience. 
His favorite for a quick killing: When 
stocks “go up a ton, then go short on the 
open and slipstream in behind the mar- 
ket makers.” Here's another: “When the 
S&P comes back in and then strength- 
ens, all opening stocks are going to do 
well.” 

I'm not sure what a lot of this means— 
and watching the faces of those in the 
class, І wasn't sure many of West's stu- 
dents did either. On the other hand, 
they certainly seemed to be listening 
hard. For one thing, they had each writ- 
ten acheck for $1500 for the privilege of 
hearing it. For another, after class they'd 
get to go into another room and watch 
actual graduates putting the theories to 
practice. 

After the class, I buttonholed West and 
asked him how he thought his students 
would do as graduates. His answer was 
refreshingly honest. A few would do re- 
ally well, he said. They'd become the 
ones you read about in the Sunday news- 
paper supplements: cabbie millionaires 
on Wall Street, and so on. But most 
would do only so-so, and some would 
lose their shirts. 

Of course, that’s nothing new. In the 
race for quick riches on America’s street 
of dreams, sometimes you win and some- 
times you lose. But when it comes to 
those who arrange the race and then get 
to referee the results, well, rarely—if ev- 
er—do they lose. 


You can reach Christopher Byron by e-mail 
at chyronI@home.com. 


33 


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Wet and Wild 


Woll flying is far scuba divers who crave speed. Riding diver propulsion vehicles, guests at Stuart Cove's Dive South Ocean resort in 
Nassau, Bahamas con have the underwater time of their lives exploring the walls of the Tongue of the Ocean, a trench that’s 100 
miles long and 6000 feet deep. Cruising ot a depth of 60 feet while working a hand throttle, divers explore the coral reef, peer into 
a blue abyss populated by sea turtles, sharks and eagle rays or motor silently alongside schools of fish. Divers first participate in a 
training session in which they practice turns and pack formations. Then it’s off to the wall for a 50-minute guided dive covering two 
and one half miles. Cost: $115. If you crave more excitement, sign up for the resort's ather specialty, the Shark Adventure (also 
$115), where you go below and watch your guides feed the sharks with pole spears. Scuba certification is required for both dives 


A Chocolate Primer 


Everybody knows that а box 
of chocalates is a traditianal 
Valentine's Day gift, but 
many of us are clueless as to 
which kind to get. What is 
the difference between fine 
and ordinary chocolate? 
First, fine chocolates (such as 
Godiva ar Lindt) use premi- 
um cocoa beans and dairy 
butter. They are usually less 
sweet than mass-praduced 
chocolates and have natural 
flavors. Less-expensive 
chocolates tend to use artifi- 
cial flavors and add ргеѕегу- 
tives for a longer shelf life. Fine chocolates should also have a 
fresh, deep aromo—not the overly perfumed or sugary smell as- 
saciated with less-expensive varieties. Savor the flavor and the 
texture. Each piece should be firm and provide a snap when you 
bite into it. Fine chocolates offer subtle nuances of texture. Less- 
expensive chocolates tend to be slightly grainy—o result of in- 
complete refinement. The initial taste af a fine chocalate should 
be nutty опа roasted, followed by sweetness and other flavor 
components. Fine chocolates, like fine wine, should present а 
long finish or aftertaste. If your girlfriend is calorie conscious, she 
may be assuaged by learning that fine chocolate is a more in- 
tense experience than the ordinary variety. So much so that she 
may be able ta satisfy her cravings with just a piece or twa. 


Let There Be Light 


After graduating from art school, Denis Michelson pursued 
several mediums, but his first love was woodworking. Now 
he’s the owner of Out of the Woodwark, а custom cabi- 
netry and millwork company in Chicago. What caught our 
eye among Michelson's creations was a nightstand ($1600, 
pictured here) that conceals а remote-controlled reading 
lamp with а halogen bulb that activates as it clears the 
table top. His Frank Lloyd Wright-influenced furnishings 
аге made in red oak, stained cherry, clear maple and red 
oak that has been 
anodized black. 
Michelson also 
makes a queen- 
size bed with twin 
pop-up lamps 
housed in the 
headboord. Price: 
55600. А cam- 
plete bedroom 
set (which in- 
cludes two night- 
stands, опе 
queen-size bed 
and a six-drawer 
dresser) is 
$11,000. He also 
creates lacquered 
humidars af elab- 
arctely patterned 
woads. Price: 
$1000 to $1200. 


35 


PLAYBOY Y 


th how | Ж 
side the Plavbov Mansion Book 


“If You Don't Swing, Don't fete Б moran 


front door, this compelling caveat greeted 
all who scaled the steps to the legendary 
Playboy Mansion. Thase lucky enough to 
make it inside beheld a seductive sea of 
famous faces, hot jazz, cold cocktails —and 
scores of breathtaking nude women. Now, 
for the first time, Playboy has created one 
magnificent book to celebrate the lush life 
inside the Playboy Mansion. 


Inside the Playboy 
Mansion swings 
open the doors 
to Chicago's 
original Playboy 
Mansion and 
the spectacular 
Ployboy Mansion 
West in Los 
Angeles. Photos 
from Hef's pri- 
vate collection 
take you from 
the game room 
to the Grotto, 
through the 
private zoo 

and down to the 
Underwater Bar. You'll see the celebrities, the 
Playmates and the wild parties that became 
legend in Chicago—and rage on today in 
LA. Introduction by Hugh M. Hefner. 


Jam In 
Jum Kran 


Inside the Playboy Mansion is the latest in our 
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Canadian orders accepted (please visit our website 
for other foreign orders). 


Visit the Playboy Store at 
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21999 PLAYBOY 


‘athe puri of ren. 


Calvados: The New Normandy Invasion 


In the U.S., it's colled opplejock. But in France, where 
apple brandy is taken most seriously, it’s called calva- 
dos—and it con be exquisite. It's mode in Normandy, 
where cider making—and the distillation of that cider- 
has a long history. The Vikings, legend has it, hod a 
profound appreciation for the stuff. Colvados is olso the 
spirit used for o trou Normand—o tradition in Nor- 
mandy where diners down о shot in the middle of a 
meol to moke room for the next courses. Modern calva- 
dos makers have refined their double-distilled ort ond 
produce exceptional brandies that can approach the 
complexity of those other great French spirits—Arma- 
gnac and cognac. Among our favorites are L. Dupont 
Hors d’Age, Hérout Hors d’Age and Daron XO. 


Clothesline: Dennis Franz 


The three-time-Emmy-winning star of ABC’s NYPD Blue soys 
he's a Banano Republic ond Gop kind of guy who doesn’t mind 
putting on a suit. “Because of my size and the shape of my 
body I don't fit into Armoni, though | think the clothes ore 
beoutiful.” His favorites? Hugo Boss, Ermenegildo Zegna and 
Jhane Bornes. (Franz wore a black, textured Barnes tuxedo to 
the Emmys last year. In previous 
years he has worn tuxes by Don- 
no Koron.) New York is Franz’ 
favorite city to shop in because 
of the selection—especially 
what's found in small boutiques. 
"I'm sort of embarrassed to ad- 
mit this,” he confides, "but 
whenever my wife and 1 go into 
a store, | take longer than she 
does becouse І get sidetrocked 
by so many things. I can go into 
опу type of store—clothing, 
hordwore, stationery or furni- 
ture—and find something fo buy.” 


Check your shoes for loose seams or tears. If the leother is pliable, 
any shoe repair shop con mend the uppers to like-new condition. In- 


spect for worn botioms. Good soles will provide maximum support 
опа keep moisture out. You can also odd protective soles to your 
leather-soled shoes, which increase traction, reduce the number of 
times you hove to replace your soles and shield lecther bottoms 
from wet conditions. Next, your shoes should be cleoned with a non- 
olkoline soap to remove dirt, ond reconditioned to restore the lubri- 
cants that keep leother supple. And whether your shoes are old or 
new, alwoys орріу о protectant, such as mink oil, at least once а 
month to guard ogainst wet weather and salt. 


Guys Are Talking About... 


G-Shock watches. The new generotion of Hord Bodies (ріс- 
tured here) ore brightly colored, full-featured and indestruc- 
tible. Prices range from $90 to $110. ® Proflowers.com. An 
online flower service thot reminds you in advance of special 
occasions. ® Avant-Guides. This “insider’s guide for cos- 
mopolitan trovelers” series begon with Prague and hos 
added New York, London ond San Francisco. New Orleans, 
Poris and Hovona ore in the works. Editor Dan Levine, for- 
merly with Frommer's, said he creoted the series because 
he got tired of writing “the kind of guidebooks thot oppeal 
to two nuns on o budget.” ® Macanudo Robust. This new 
smoke made with dark Connecticut shade wrapper hos о 
full-bodied flavor thot kicks oss. Six sizes are avoiloble, from 
$3.65 to $6 per cigar. ® The Hyper Sledge Hammer 2.0 ten- 
nis racquet. Wilson’s latest attack weapon 15 made of a com- 
posite materiol that's four times 
stiffer ond stronger, and 65 
percent lighter, than 
competitors’ products. 
Price: $350. ®Vir- 
gin Atlantic's 
Gatwick Airport 
lounge. Within 
its posh confines 
оге а fen-seat 
cinemo, a sa- 
lon, a video 
game room ond a 
complimentary bar. 
Some rooms con olso 
be reserved in advonce. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY CN PAGE 151 


37 


x SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


WI, wife and 1 hang out with two other 
couples, one of whom has a pool table. 
We spend Saturday nights shooting pool 
and quaffing frosty beverages. A few 
months ago the women spent a Saturday 
at the mall while the guys prepared din- 
ner. When the women returned, every- 
one ate and played the usual round of 
nineball. The drinks flowed and it didn't 
take much coaxing to get the women to 
change into their purchases from Victo- 
ria’s Secret. We spent the rest of the 
evening shooting pool with three beau- 
tiful babes in lingerie. Lately, garter 
belts, corsets, catsuits, stockings and 
heels have become their uniforms for 
our weekly pool games. We men are 
starting to wonder where this all might 
lead but aren't sure how to move things 
along. Any suggestions? We offered to 
give the girls a long massage after next 
week's game. They told us to bring tow- 
els and massage oil just in case—PG., 
Brewster, Massachusetts 

И sounds like there may be more than 16 
balls on that pool table soon enough. You 
want to make your lingerie pool nights more 
interesting? Strip pool comes to mind. Part- 
ner up for coed competition but insist on two 
rules: You can't team up with your spouse, 
and both players must be holding the cue 
during each shot. Let us know how it breaks, 


Im heading to Vegas and would like to 
try my hand at something new. Does the 
Adyisor know any simple blackjack strat- 
egies?—R.W., Oakland, California 
Here's a common one: (1) Always split 8s 
and aces. (2) Double 10 or 11 if your total is 
greater than what the dealer shows, (3) Hit 
on a “hard” 11 or less (i.e., no flexible aces), 
unless doubling. (4) Stand on a hard 12 to 
16 when the dealer shows 2 to 6; hit if the 
dealer shows 7 to ace. (5) Stand on 17 to 21 
unless you have a soft 17. (6) Never take in- 
surance. Played perfectly, these six rules will 
cut the casino’s edge by more than half. 
“Knock-Out Blackjack” (800-244-2224) 
details a more complex basic strategy and 
card-counting system that cuts the advan- 
lage even further: 


What is the best way to ask for a 
raise?—L.A., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 
Go armed with two things: an idea of how 
much people earn in similar positions (with 
adjustments up от down depending оп your 
experience and the region of the country in 
which you live) and a persuasive answer to 
the question “What have you done for me 
lately?" Online sites such as the Salary Zone 
(ioma.com/zone), Salary Calculator (home 
faircom) and “The Wall Street Journal” (ca 
Teers.wsj.com) offer guidance on salaries. To 
make a case based on your accomplishments, 
document what those accomplishments have 
been. It helps if your boss oullines what he 


expects from the position and offers a project 
that allows you to earn bonus points. Re- 
member that he isn't concerned about your 
career path or financial difficulties—he only 
cares whether the job gets done well. Why? 
Because that’s what matters to his boss, and 
he wants a raise too. 


ІМ, wife knows what drives men wild 
with desire—her feet. She loves to wear 
open-toed high heels or sexy sandals. 
The shiny red polish on her beautiful 
toenails is enough to make a man light- 
headed. She is gorgeous from head to 
toe, which naturally attracts attention. 
She enjoys the thrill of making men melt 
at the sight of her feet. Here is my com- 
plaint: don't mind guys looking when 
I'm with her, but I would like her to tone 
it down and cover her toes when she’s 
not with me. What do you think?—S.C., 
Bakersfield, California 

If your wife's feet are as gorgeous as you 
say, we want no part in covering them up. 
Gonsider: (1) Her feet were made for walh- 
ing, but they always walk back to you. (2) 
Your real concern isn't her naked toes, but 
that they'll attract some joker who will steal 
her away. Don't let your insecurity get the 
best of you. Your wife likes knowing other 
men find her and her feet alluring (she 
knows you do—you married her). At the 
same time, you enjoy looking at other wam- 
en’s toes, but you don't chase them down. You 
have to trust your wife's instincts in the same 
way she trusts yours 


Inve been married six months; my first 
marriage, her second. Three weeks ago, 
1 got home from work to find my wife 
dressed in leather and holding a whip. 
She said I was to be punished for arriv- 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


ing home late. I didn’t know what she 
was talking about, but I went along with 
. I went upstairs to shower as I always 
do. Two of my wife's friends were wait- 
ing, and they ambushed me, stripped off 
my clothes and tied me to the bed. Му 
wife beat my ass with the whip until I 
could barely stand it anymore. Then she 
made me perform cunnilingus on her 
friends. She stood over us, telling me 
that today she was the boss and that I 
would do as 1 was told. I got so hard 1 
thought I was going to burst. Then came 
the real surprise. My wife loves anal 
intercourse, but she turned tbe tables, 
strapped on a dildo and gave me what 1 
had been giving her. She knew enough 
to use a lot of lube, and it felt great. Гуе 
had to wear panties to work every day 
since, and I'm never sure what to expect 
when I get home. Is there something 
wrong with my wife, or do a lot of wom- 
en enjoy this?—G.K., Des Moines, Iowa 
Did you gel her permission to write us, 
dogmeat? You could be іп big trouble. It 
sounds as if your wife has taken charge, and. 
as you've discovered, that can be an incredi- 
ble turn-on. Erotic female domination is a 
place most guys—and couples—never go, 
but it’s out there. Artemis Creations has a 
catalog of books and audiotapes on the topic 
(send а self-addressed, stamped envelope to 
3395 Nostrand Avenue, Suite 2], Brooklyn, 
NY 11229). Or your wife may enjoy a mag- 
azine for women who administer punish- 
ment called “Whap!” Its editor, Keri Pen- 
tauk, says of your situation: “That guy 
should thank his lucky stars he has such a 
fantastic wife. A lot of women reach a point 
where they feel they have no choice but 
to put their foot down, and it becomes a 
lifestyle." Visit www.whapmag.com or phone 
323-782-9427 to subscribe. You deserve 
credit for having an open mind about anal 
penetration. Most guys never consider it be- 
cause they think it would make them “gay.” 
But as Carol Queen explains in the instruc- 
tional video “Bend Over Boyfriend” (800- 
289-8423), many straight guys love anal 
penetration because it allows them to relax 
and receive passive pleasure. The anus 15 
very sensitive and provides access to the 
prosiate gland, sometimes referred to as the 
male G-spot. Anal play, Queen explains, is 
“a way for a man to explore the various ways 
he can be sexual and climax without his cock 
being touched,” The video explains the ba- 
sics and includes demonstrations. During 
опе, Queen tells her antsy partner, “Wait a 
minute, I want to fuck you, and then you can 
fuck me back.” It seems to work for them. 


The next time you give men advice on 
how to get more than a “mercy fuck,” as 
you did in November, emphasize that 
women remember criticism for a long 
time—whether it's about her weight, her 


39 


PLAYBOY 


housekeeping or her coffee. As I am 
sure the sophisticates who read PLAYBOY 
know, the way to a woman's heart is au- 
dial, not visual. No woman 1 have ever 
known wants to fuck a critic. Another let- 
ter in the same issue discussed why guys 
find it erotic to ejaculate on a woman's 
face. Years ago in the Playboy Interview, 
Clint Eastwood expressed dismay at this 
practice. Unlike some of your readers, it 
wasn't something he found to be a turn- 
on. D., New York, New York 

Critics are a pain in the neck, and many 
men (and women) should listen to themselves 
if they're wondering why their lovers have 
lost interest. You're right about Eastwood: In 
February 1974 we asked what he thought of 
adult films. "I don't see that ejaculating in a 
girl's face is artistic. If that's beautiful sex, 
then you can keep it. What you want to do in 
your own bedroom is great, but that’s not 
necessarily what I want to look at.” To each 
his own. 


Since my wife and 1 divorced and she 
moved out of state, her sister and I have 
become friends. I visit her home or she 
comes to mine. We talk, watch television 
and take turns cooking dinner. After a 
while she started watching TV with me 
in her bra and panties. That progressed 
to where she now sometimes walks 
around nude (she usually comes out of 
the shower and just doesn't get dressed). 
She says that she feels comfortable 
around me and thinks nothing of being 
naked because we're close family. She al- 
so has said she could never have sex with 
anyone who has been with her sister. I 
can't help but get turned on and strug- 
gle to hide my hard-ons. I want to sleep 
with her in the worst way but I also don't 
want to spoil the friendship. What 
should 1 do?—G.L., Minneapolis, 
Minnesota 

Your sister-in-law knows she’s turning you 
on, and she loves it. Unless they're nudists or 
under the age of three, most family members, 
no matter how close, don't romp around in 
the buff. She may be reluctant to move іп on 
her sister's turf. But if you want a sexual re- 
lationship, you have to ask and ask again. 
Start the conversation by pointing out you're 
а normal guy, she's an attractive woman, 
and the combination naturally causes sparks 
when she presents herself in the nude. We 
would find it hard to believe, but perhaps 
she’s naive about the nature of man and sim- 
ply finds nudity relaxing, which is great for 
her but bad for you if you're wearing tight 
pants. You realize, of course, that her body 
may inspire cuen more lust if you can по 
longer see it. 


Д lot of articles lately talk about sexual- 
ly transmitted diseases such as herpes 
and genital warts. Why the sudden con- 
cern?—R.E., New Orleans, Louisiana 
It's partly because the presence of STDs 
greatly increases the risk of infection from 


40 HIV, With AIDS-related deaths declining in 


industrialized countries (even while the HIV 
infection rate in the U.S. remains steady at 
40,000 new infections a year), more atten- 
tion ts being paid to other STDs. Chlamydia, 
the mosi common bacterial STD in women, 
can lead to infertility if left untreated (4 mil- 
lion new cases are reported each year). Cer- 
tain strains of genital warts can cause cervi- 
cal cancer, which kills twice as many women 
as AIDS. Many people don’t realize that her- 
pes and genital warts, both common, are in- 
curable—you deal with them for a lifetime. 
In one survey, nine in ten adults under the 
age of 45 said they had little or no risk of get- 
ting an STD. They're mistaken. Current 
rales of infection suggest that a quarter of all 
Americans will contract at least one sexually 
transmitted disease during his or her life- 
time. Make а New Year's resolution to Бе 
tested for HIV and other STDs. Hale nee- 
«ез? Ask your doctor or health clinic about 
OraSure, an HIV lest that requires you to 40 
nothing more than place a cotton pad be- 
tween your check and gum for two minutes 
(phone 800-672-7873 for information). 


П. used to be that the bottom of a man's 
tie would touch the top of his belt buck- 
le. I'm noticing more guys wearing ties 
that cover half their flies. What’s hap- 
pening?—W.M., Culver City, California 


Some men are wearing their ties too long. 


IM) boyfriend suggested we each make 
a list of things we have never done with a 
lover. Last week, I was driving to work 
and thinking hard about my list. I began 
to fantasize 1 was driving to the moun- 
tains with my boyfriend in the passenger 
seat. I was wearing a cutout bra (never 
done that before), a garter belt and 
stockings under a dress that buttoned 
from hem to collar. My boyfriend started 
fiddling with the radio and anything else 
he could get his hands on. The thought 
of him unbuttoning my dress and expos- 
ing my nipples to anyone passing us on 
the highway, of my bare bottom on the 
leather seat with my dress around my 
waist and of me strapped behind the seat 
belt with my hands firmly on the wheel— 
ік got me so hot I had to pull over. We 
haven't had time to drive to the moun- 
tains, but another thing on my list was 
writing to the Playboy Advisor about a 
favorite fantasy. I thought I'd take care 
of that one before Valentine’s Day. My 
boyfriend knows the story but doesn’t 
know I wrote to tell you about it.—T.W., 
Atlanta, Georgia 

That's the шау to get things rolling: Start 
with an саху опе. What now? Complete your 
lists, then exchange them. Each week choose 
а fantasy from your partner’s list, and with- 
out revealing anything, arrange to fulfill it 
that weekend. When the lists are exhaust- 
ed—make more lis 


V work at a large car dealership and 
cringe every time I see someone write 
about hidden warranties (The Playboy Ad- 


visor, November). Not everyone qualifies 
for ап after-warranty adjustment. If a 
customer doesn't show his face until he 
has a problem years after buying his car, 
chances are slim that most dealers will 
help. A lack of proper maintenance is 
the main reason manufacturers refuse to 
provide after-warranty adjustments. For 
added protection, purchase an extended 
warranty.—C.G., York, Pennsylvania 

You're right, not everyone qualifies. “The 
provisions for secret warranties are usually 
determined by the factory zone representa- 
tive, who decides whether the customer will 
be given a free repair or pay only for parts or 
labor or pay everything,” says David Solo- 
mon of the newsletter “Nutz & Boltz.” “That 
decision is often based on whether the car's 
owner has been а regular customer.” Visit 
your dealer a few times a year for routine 
maintenancee, which will build a service his- 
tory and improve your chances of hearing 
about hidden warranties. An extended war- 
ranty is usually worthwhile only if your vehi- 
cle has a lot of electrical options, antilock 
brakes or traction control, or if you use it for 
short trips (most extended warranties have 
mileage limits). 


After several weeks of planning, it 
looks as though my wife and I will be 
participating in a threesome with a male 
friend. As the day approaches, we've had 
some discussions to establish limits and 
talk about our expectations. My wife has 
said that if things go well, we should con- 
sider a foursome by inviting the friend’s 
wife. The idea of a foursome doesn’t ap- 
peal to me—it sounds too much like wife 
swapping. Am I splitting hairs, or is 
everything fair game once you have a 
threesome?—J.F, Indio, California 

Take this one step al a time. Many couples 
who experiment with threesomes never repeat 
the experience, for a variety of reasons. Oth- 
ers can't get enough. Whatever happens, you 
are smart to talk about the situation before it 
plays out; you may want to involve your 
friend in the discussions, as he'll bring ex- 
pectations of his own. If all goes well and 
you're still hesitant to share your bed with 
another couple, tell your wife to invite at 
least three people, or five, or seven, or nine. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—uill be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad 
visor @playboy.com. Look for responses to 
our most frequently asked questions at www. 
playboy.com/fag, and check out the Advisor's 
latest collection of sex tricks, “365 Ways to 
Improve Your Sex Life” (Plume), available 
in bookstores or by phoning 800-423-9494. 


dn. La. Me 


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who showed 


Аж! 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


THE RULES 2£== AFFAIR 


what we learned from monica and bill 
By JAMES R: PETERSEN | 


report, a reporter for The New 

York Times called рглүвоү. Her call 
was directed to the office of the 
Playboy Advisor. She wanted to know 
about the state of monogamy in the 
Nineties, 

We told her that PLAYBOY does not 
endorse affairs, but that we recognize 
that extramarital sex is a part of hu- 
man nature, that sex is seldom con- 
tained by the institution of marriage. 
We do not as a rule write Cosmo-style 
articles extolling the virtues of affairs. 
Our memory may be selective, but we 
can recall only a few letters that have 
dealt outright with infidelity. 

We have always assumed that most 
of our readers know that discretion is 
the better part of valor. When one 
asked us about the etiquette of an af- 
fair, we were, quite frankly, stumped. 
We turned to Stalemates: The Truth 
About Extramarital Affairs by Marcel- 
la Bakur Weiner and Bernard Starr. 
The book, published in 1989, issues 
guidelines for conducting an affair. 

Consider how many rules Monica 
and Bill violated. 

(1) No picture taking or receiving. 
(Somehow they will be found.) 

The presidency is a living, 
breathing photo op. We've seen 
to the point of exhaustion the 
beret-clad Monica hugging and 
being hugged by the president. Too 
bad photographers missed the time 
she grabbed his crotch. 

(2) Nothing їп writing. Affairs are al- 
lergic to anything in writing. That goes 
double for diaries, strictly a no-no. 

No e-mail. And no unmailed let- 
ters. Without those, the Starr report 
would have been a haiku. 

(3) No souvenirs. Pack rats as we are, 
we want mementos of everything. Definite- 
ly not a good idea for those engaged in 
liaisons. 

What was it with all those gifts? The 
road to Clinton's hell is littered with 
knickknacks from Martha's Vineyard. 
Nothing about an affair is meant to 
gather dust. Clinton is known as а 
man who gives gifts to everyone, but. 
the inscribed copy of Whitman was 
а warrant for arrest or revenge. Of 
course, Monica used gifts like darts at 


I n the aftermath of Ken Starr's 


a pub: anything to pin the man down. 
The exchange of gifts between the 
two—all recorded in logs and on re- 
ceipts—was a flurry of activity un- 
matched by any return window the 
day after Christmas. Of course, it was 
not so spectacular as the division of 
property that occurs in the dissolu- 
tion of more-lasting relationships. 

(4) Not in the neighborhood or in pub- 
lic. Also, never display affection in public 
places, no matter how far away you are 
from the neighborhood. 

Can we replay the crotch-grabbing 
tape? You mean the Hubble telescope 


(6) Never in the home. 

Not even with Betty Currie keep- 
ing watch. But the most sympathet- 
ic comment in the aftermath of the 
Starr report was the speculation that 
Hillary thought Bill's libido was con- 
tained because living in the White 
House is like being in jail. 

(7) Never forget lo keep track. For 
males, particularly, comes the suggestion to 
check all pockets before going home after a 
tryst. This also applies to briefcases. And 
check your jacket and shirt for stray hairs. 
Ash your lover not to wear perfumes or 
scented cosmetics that leave traces. Be care- 
ful of presents or calls that appear on cred- 
it cards or itemized phone bills. 

Phone logs, for Christ's sake. This 
from a man who nearly lost the 1992 
election because Gennifer Flowers 
spliced together incriminating con- 
versations with him. 

(8) Never change your style. For better 
or worse, each marriage has its own style. 

Your spouse knows how you act and те- 
spond. Don't change your style because 
you feel different. 

The picture from the Virgin Is- 
lands, Bill seemed to be getting along 


— with Hillary. Big mistake. 


didn't catch that? Monica and Bill 
found the four square feet of space 
inside the Beltway that wasn't occu- 
pied by lobbyists or camera crews. 

(5) Мо thoughilessness. Just one mo- 
ment of incaution can bring down the 
whole world of risk. You may unthinkingly 
throw a bra or a panty into the glove com- 
partment of а car. 

The dress. Coming on the dress. 
Not taking the dress to the cleaners 
immediately. Letting your so-called 
best friend talk you into keeping the 
dress for evidence. Having the so- 
called best friend in the first place. 
Talking about your relationship to 
someone who is wearing a wire. 


“How do you tell if your 
spouse is having an affair?” is 
not a question we have an- 

swered, though we do have a 
dandy of a study if anyone ever asks. 
A researcher at the University of Tex- 
as came up with an adulterer’s psy- 
chological profile a few years ago. 
Several telltale traits—impulsiveness, 
narcissism, an inability to delay grati- 
fication, low levels of conscientious- 
ness and psychoticism—identify mates 
who are likely to cheat. The re- 
searcher, David Buss, told reporters 
that personality quirks such as habit- 
ual lateness, preening, mean-spirited 
jokes, leaving the lights on afier step- 
ping out of the room and running up 
debts could all be marks ofa wayward 
spouse. Also—and we're not making 
this up—a callous response to road- 
Kill is a giveaway. Adulterers are ut- 
terly unsympathetic when driving 
past an animal that has been killed in 
a road accident. 

Especially if the roadkill happens to 
be Kenneth Starr. 


49 


50 


Manhattan Beach, Cal. 1983 


INITIAL CHARGE An alcoholic 
who was diagnosed as an acute para- 
noid schizophrenic accused McMartin 
Preschool teacher Ray Buckey of sod- 
omizing her two-year-old son. Eventu- 
ally police would charge Buckey, his 
mother Peggy McMartin Buckey, his 
sister Peggy Ann, his grandmother Vir- 
ginia McMartin and three other teach- 
ers with sexual abuse. 

THE INVESTIGATION Police noti- 
ficd 200 parents; none reported any- 
thing suspicious. But a doctor for Chil- 
dren's International Institute, a child 
welfare agency, examined 150 children 
and concluded that 120 had been 
abused. Social workers at the agency 
questioned 400 children and conclud- 
ed that 369 had been molested. During 
interviews, children denied abuse, but 
investigators coaxed them with leading 
questions and rewards. Police seized as 
evidence a rubber duck, a black gown 
identified as a satanic robe and two is- 
sues of PLAYBOY. Children told social 
workers of being abused in secret tun- 
nels beneath the school. One boy said 
Ray Buckey made him perform oral 
sex during a game called Naked Movie 
Star, killed a horse with a baseball bat 
and showed the children dead bodies. 
A boy said that Ray undressed, molest- 
ed and dressed а group of children 
during a one-minute trip through a 
car wash. Another boy testified that 
the family had taken children to a 
church, where strangers in black robes 
killed a rabbit and told him to drink 
the blood. 

THE TRIAL The CII doctor testi- 
fied that the genitals or anuses of 42 
children showed signs of abuse; med- 
ical experts for the defense found 
nothing. The children's answers to 
questions typically were “I don't know” 
or “I don't remember.” Police found 
no tunnels. The black robe was Peggy 
Ann's graduation gown. 

SENTENCES Prosecutors dropped 
charges against Peggy Ann, Virginia 
and the three teachers in 1986. A jury 
acquitted Peggy on all counts and Ray 
on most counts. His retrial ended in 
a hung jury. Ray spent five years in 
prison during trial; his mother spent 
two years. 


WHAT HAPPENED WITH 


in the eighties and early nineties, dozens of people 


Malden, Mass. 1984 


INITIAL CHARGE A five-year-old 
at Fells Acres Day Care Center wet his 
pants. An aide, Gerald Amirault, at- 
tended him. The boy, after a great deal 
of questioning by his mother, said he 
had been molested in a “secret room.” 
Police instructed parents to ask their 
children about a magic room, a secret 
room and a clown. Police arrested Ger- 
ald and later his sister, Cheryl LeFave, 
and his mother, Violet Amirault, and 
charged them with sexual abuse. Fells 
Acres had operated for 20 years with- 
out incident. 

THE INVESTIGATION When they 
were questioned by police, the children 
denied abuse, but investigators persist- 
ed. Children who continued to deny 
abuse were described as “not ready to 
disclose.” Police seized a camera from 
the day care center, which led to a 
search for kiddie porn. One child said 
he had seen a four-year-old sodomized 
with a 12-inch butcher knife that got 
stuck. Another said he had been tied 
naked to a tree in front of the other 
children while Cheryl cut the leg off a 
squirrel. The children said they drank 
urine and described a robot that bit 
their arms if they didn't agree to sex. 
This abuse allegedly lasted for two 
years, though no child mentioned it be- 
fore being questioned by police. 

THE TRIAL Prosecutors presented 
no evidence of the wounds that such vi- 
olent and persistent abuse would have 
caused. Although no child porn was 
found, а postal inspector graphically 
described for the jury what it might 
have looked like. Prosecutors claimed 
that common vaginal infections found 
in several girls pointed to abuse. De- 
spite an exhaustive search and help 
from the children, police never found a 
“secret room.” 

SENTENCES Gerald received a sen- 
tence of 30 to 40 years. His mother and 
sister received eight to 20 years each. 
Their insurance company paid 16 fam- 
ies settlements totaling $20 million. 
heryl and Violet, who were denied 
parole because they steadfastly main- 
tained their innocence, each served 
eight years before being released. Vio- 
let died in 1997. Gerald remains in 
prison. 


fizzled, but the nightmares continue—for 


Maplewood, N.J. 1985 


INITIAL CHARGE While having 
his temperature taken rectally, а four- 
year-old told a nurse, “That's what my 
teacher does to me at naptime. . . . Her 
takes my temperature.” On the advice 
of her doctor, the boy's mother notified 
the state child protection agency. Pros- 
ecutors and social workers began inter- 
viewing the boy's classmates at the Wee 
Care Nursery. Three wecks later, police 
arrested Kelly Michaels, a 23-year-old 
woman who had been a teacher and 
naptime monitor at Wee Care, and 
charged her with six counts of sexual 
abuse. 

THE INVESTIGATION The chil- 
dren frequently denied abuse (one 
child screamed, “It's all lies!"), but so- 
cial workers were able to solicit stories 
from dozens of children that described 
Michaels licking peanut butter and 
sometimes jelly off their genitals, play- 
ing Jingle Bells on the piano naked, 
forcing children to eat feces, inserting 
forks, knives, swords, Lego toys and 
wooden spoons into vaginas and anus- 
es and playing a nude pile-up game. 
Other teachers, parents and visitors at 
the school said they saw none of this. 
Few of Michaels’ colleagues rushed to 
her defense, however. 

THE TRIAL The judge allowed the 
children to testify by closed-circuit tele- 
vision. He denied requests for the de- 
fense’s experts to examine the chil- 
dren. Evidence was introduced that the 
children had пеуег shied away from 
Michaels, but prosecutors dismissed 
this because the accused was an aspir- 
ing actress and because “child abusers 
are very clever people.” A prosecution 
witness claimed that children frequent- 
ly deny abuse because they suffer from 
Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation 
Syndrome. The state supreme court 
would later rule that the trial contained 
“egregious prosecutorial abuses.” 

SENTENCE After a ten-month trial, 
a jury found Michaels guilty of sexual- 
ly abusing 20 children (although not 
the boy who sparked the investigation). 
She had served five years of a 47-year 
sentence (including 15 months in soli- 
tary confinement) before the verdict 
was thrown out on appeal. A year later, 
all charges were dropped. 


THE WITCH-HUNTS? 


were accused of devilish crimes. the hysteria. 


the accused 


By ANTONIA SIMIGIS 


Olympia, Wash. 1988 


INITIAL CHARGE Ericka Ingram, 
22, and her sister Julie, 18, told police 
that their father, Paul, and two of his 
poker buddies had sexually abused 
them since they were young girls. 

THE INVESTICATION Unable to 
believe his daughters would lie about 
such a horrendous crime, the deeply 
religious Ingram told police he must be 
guilty. Encouraged by police, he later 
fell into what appeared to be a trance 
and began producing third-person 
memories. Ingram's confession includ- 
ed descriptions of men in black, animal 
sacrifices to Satan and the murder of a 
prostitute. When a psychologist who 
suspected Ingram's innocence tested 
him by inventing an incident that nev- 
er happened, Ingram "prayed on it" 
and produced a vivid recollection. As 
investigators continued interviewing 
the girls, Ericka's charges quickly be- 
came outlandish. She recalled attend- 
ing 850 satanic rituals and seeing 25 
babies sacrificed. She claimed on a talk 
show that community members (in- 
cluding policemen, judges, doctors 
and lawyers) gave her an abortion. 
when she was 16, cut up the baby on 
her stomach and ate its parts. She said 
her parents and their friends defecated 
on her and forced her to have sex with 
animals. Both girls claimed they had 
suffered deep cuts (Ericka said her fa- 
ther once nailed her to the floor); doc- 
tors found no scars on Julie's body, and 
the only scar on Ericka was from an ap- 
pendectomy. Using a map drawn by 
Ericka, police dug for infant remains 
but found попе. 

THE TRIAL Ingram pleaded guilty 
to six counts of third-degree rape. Two 
days later, charges against the other 
two men were dropped. According to 
Remembering Satan, a book on the case 
by Lawrence Wright, a psychologist 
hired by the prosecution concluded 
that Ingram was probably guilty only 
ofbeing highly suggestible, that Ericka 
was a habitual liar who hadn't expected 
her claims to reach a courtroom, and 
that the impressionable Julie followed 
her sister’s lead. 

SENTENCE Ingram, who attempt- 
ed to withdraw his plea, received a 20- 


year sentence. He remains imprisoned. 


Martensville, Sask. 1991 


INITIAL CHARGE A two-year-old 
came home from day care and told her 
mother she had ridden in a blue car, 
been poked by a stranger and shopped 
for elephants. When pressed for de- 
tails, she said, “Shhh. It’s a secret.” AR 
ter interviews with the girl, her older 
brother and other children, police ar- 
rested Ronald and Linda Sterling, who 
ran the day care, and charged them 
with sexual abuse. Police also arrested 
and charged the Sterling's son, Travis, 
their teenage daughter and five police 
officers whom a child had accused of 
taking part. 

THE INVESTIGATION After they 
searched the Sterlings’ home, officers 
seized as evidence four soft-core mov- 
ies, 15 porn magazines and a sketch by 
‘Travis of a nude woman. They also 
photographed a vibrator found in a 
dresser drawer. During interrogations, 
a five-year-old claimed he had seen hu- 
man sacrifices at a remote farm build- 
ing he called the Devil's Church, and a 
body dumped into an acid bath. He 
said he saw Linda bite off part of a 
child’s nipple. The two-year-old said a 
woman had been murdered and her 
eyes poked out. A ten-year-old boy said 
the children were taken to Devil's 
Church in a police van—that Linda 
pressed a vibrator into his anus and 
drew blood from his arm and drank it, 
that Ron Sterling molested the five- 
year-old with an ax handle and that the 
children were kept in cages. 

THE TRIAL None of the children 
showed physical signs of abuse, so 
prosecutors relied on their testimony. 
The 10-year-old was the oldest and 
most credible of the seven who testi- 
fied. The judge, clearly not impressed, 
referred to his testimony as “stories” 
(prosecutors objected, but the judge 
declined to change his description). 

SENTENCES Although the children 
had accused the entire Sterling family 
and the five officers, only Travis and 
his sister were convicted. He received a 
sentence of five years; she received two 
years. The Sterlings and three of the 
officers were ordered to leave town. 
Except for two charges against Travis, 
all of the convictions were overturned 
оп appeal in 1995. 


Wenatchee, Wash. 1994 


INITIAL CHARGE The nine-year- 
old foster daughter of the city’s sex 
crimes investigator told him of a 
church-based pedophilia ring. The girl 
had previously accused her parents 
of sexual abuse, and both had been 
imprisoned. 

THE INVESTIGATION The inves- 
tigator, Robert Perez, drove the girl 
around town and asked her to identify 
where children had been abused. She 
pointed out about 20 sites and accused 
dozens of townspeople. After coaxing, 
other children told fantastic stories of 
orgy nights ata Pentecostal church in- 
volving dozens of people (one child 
claimed the pastor would write notes 
for children who were too tired to at- 
tend school from servicing the adults), 
of inflatable sex toys kept under the al- 
tar, mass child rapes by men in black 
and women holding colored pencils, of 
the congregation yelling “Hallelujah” 
while worshipers raped children and 
sexual round robins in which each 
adult took a turn. 

THE TRIALS The investigation re- 
sulted in 29,000 charges involving 
60 children (prosecutors accused one 
woman of 3200 rapes). Many towns- 
people, afraid they would receive 
lengthy prison terms or lose custody of 
their children, agreed to sign confes- 
sions. Kathryn Lyon, author of Witch 
Hunt: A True Story of Social Hysteria and 
Abused Justice, notes that a number of 
the accused were illiterate and recant- 
ed when their confessions were read 
aloud in court. No one who could af- 
ford counsel went to jail. One woman 
who hired a lawyer had all 168 counts 
against her dropped two days before 
trial. 

SENTENCES Twenty-cight people 
were charged; 14 pleaded guilty and 
five were convicted. Fourteen people 
remain in prison, some serving sen- 
tences of more than 40 years. A few 
have exhausted their appeals and will 
remain imprisoned unless new evi- 
dence is introduced. In 1996, the initial 
accuser recanted. She later recanted 
her recantation. Four of the accused 
filed a $60 lion civil suit against 
Perez and his officers for violating their 
civil rights; a jury found no liability. 


ы 


R E 


E R 


SEX ADDICTION 

In many ways, Daniel Ra- 
dosh's "Addicted to Sex?” (The 
Playboy Forum, November) is 
similar to articles written in the 
Thirties and Forties about the 
“radical” concept of alcoholism. 
Those who sought to help alco- 
holics were frequently criticized 
for being religious fanatics. 

Participating in sexual fanta- 
sy and activities leads many 
people to an addictive desire 
for more, І should know. It has 
been more than 35 years since 
Miss August 1962 did a frontal 
assault on my hormones and 
helped rearrange some neuro- 
logical connections in my brain. 
I was a lonely 12-year-old who 
didn't think many people liked 
me, and certainly not girls. Miss 
August was one of the first fan- 
tasy ladies I used to medicate 
my loneliness. It was an illu- 
sion, and the pages of PLAYBOY 
taught me many incorrect mes- 
sages about sexuality and how 
to ease my pain. 1 don't blame 
PLAYBOY. It was just there in the 
absence of people who might 
have told me the truth, 

I'm not surprised that Ra- 
dosh and PLAYBOY don't under- 
stand sexual addiction. I think 
you have to be an addict to re- 
alize how unmanageable sex 
can become. Today I avoid im- 
ages in magazines such as 
PLAYBOY not only because I'm a 
recovering addict but because I 
choose a higher way. I pray for 
the day that pornography isn't 
out there. It would make my 
life easier; I don't like being as- 
saulted by it in the most com- 
mon of places. 

I tried the Playboy Philosophy 
and it didn't bring me fulfill- 
ment. What does bring me 
mense joy is being physical- 
ly, emotionally and spiritually 
intimate with one woman— 
my wife, Miss Every Month of 
Every Year—for the rest of my 
life, I would encourage PLAYBOY 
to take the same approach that 
the alcohol and gambling in- 
dustries have taken toward ad- 
diction by supporting research 
by the medical and religious 
communities. PLAYBOY could 


FOR THE RECORD 


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UNDER THE MILITARY HONOR AND DECENCY АСТ. 
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"SEXUALLY EXPLICIT” AND CAN CONTINUE TO BE 
SOLD ON BASE. 


help us better understand sex- 
ual addiction. 

Mark Laaser 

Chanhassen, Minnesota 

Laaser is a member of the Na- 

tional Council on Sex Addiction 
and Compulsivity and author of the 
book “Faithful and True: Sexual 
Integrity in a Fallen World.” 


You need a good definition of 
sex addiction in order to dis- 
cuss it intelligently. 1 propose: 
anyone who has more sex than 
the therapist. 

William Richardson 
Sherman, Texas 


As a retired psychotherapist 
with 28 years’ experience, I can 
tell you there are sex-addicted 
people. They see sin in joyful 
sex. If it's fun, it must be bad. 
When I was growing up many 
years ago in Boston, these peo- 
ple were called “bluenoses.” 
Those who view any sex outside 
their own narrow definition as 
deviant are the true addicts. 
More people need psychologi- 
cal help because of the guilt put 
upon them by bluenoses than 
for any other reason. Listen to 
the vociferous clamor of the 
hypocrites in Congress. Read 
Ken Starr's drooling report. 
That's what real sex addicts 
look and sound like. 

Robert Healy 
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


A few months ago Ann Lan- 
ders praised a letter from Mary 
Anne Layden of the Center for 
Cognitive Therapy at the Uni- 
versity of Pennsylvania. Layden 
wrote, “1 have been treating 
sexual violence victims and per- 
petrators for 13 years. I have 
not treated a single case of sex- 
ual violence that did not in- 
volve pornography. Most often, 
itis video pornography. In al- 
most every case of sibling incest 
1 have treated, the pornogra- 
phy involved was soft-core porn 
in a magazine. I һауе found 
that pornography addicts have 
a harder time getting into re- 
mission than cocaine addicts. 
Also, pornography addicts are 
more likely to relapse than 


o E o A Um и 


RES 


Р, О 


МЕ" SZEE 


cocaine addicts are.” This is contrary to 
everything І have read about pornog- 
raphy. Even the Meese Commission 
could not come up with anything like 
this. Layden must be from Reverend 
Donald Wildmon's camp. 
Ken Howland 
Boston, Massachusetts 
We're familiar with Mary Anne Layden. 
Writing in “Тһе Philadelphia Inquirer,” she 
explained away Andrew Cunanan and Ted 
Bundy, among other killers, as suffering 
from sex addiction. Pornography, she claims, 
must be seen as “a form of violence, or at 
least as a dangerous thing in the hands of 
an addict, Addiction to print, video от live 
pornography (like stripping) produces men- 
tal imagery that is permanently implanted 
and sealed in by brain chemistry. This is the 
first addictive substance for which there is 
no hope of detoxification.” Watching strip- 
pers or adult videos causes brain damage? 
C'mon. So many people consume pornogra- 
phy—it’s а multibillion dollar industry— 
that you can blame it for just about any 
crime or mental disorder. Like other anti- 
porn crusaders, Layden has a penchant for 
weak science. She notes, for instance, that 
there are 80 sex addiction programs in the 
Philadelphia area, end cites that as proof 
that a lot of people suffer from sex addiction. 
All it proves is that a lot of people are diag- 
nosed as sex addicts. 


THE DRUG MARIJUANA 

Dr. Lester Grinspoon's article “Сап- 
nabis Clubs” (The Playboy Forum, No- 
vember) reviews federal efforts to 
thwart the implementation of Califor- 
nia’s medicinal marijuana law. Before 
the FDA can approve marijuana as a 
prescription medicine, more studies 
are needed. The Clinton administra- 
tion is making sure these studies can- 
not be conducted. 

‘The problem is that the National In- 
stitute on Drug Abuse has a monopo- 
ly on the legal supply of marijuana for 
research in the U.S. Since 1995, we 
have been asking the institute to re- 
тоуе the bureaucratic hurdles that 
prevent qualified researchers from ob- 
taining marijuana. The American Med- 
ical Association also has recommended 
that NIDA change its procedures. 

We encourage your readers to call 
NIDA director Alan Leshner at 301- 
443-6480 and tell him, “NIDA should 
provide marijuana to all FDA-ap- 
proved studies, without further re 
quirements.” For more details about 
this issue, visit our organization's site 


оп the World Wide Web at www.mpp. 
org/NIDAbro. html. 
Chuck Thomas 
Marijuana Policy Project 
Washington, D.C. 


California's medicinal marijuana law 
called on state officials “to implement a 
plan to provide for the safe and afford- 
able distribution” of medicinal mari- 
juana. Patients still have no state-spon- 
‘sored channels through which they can 
receive the drug. Because politicians 
failed to act, buyers’ clubs picked up 
the slack. The medical needs of seri- 
ously ill patients and the unique heal- 
ing properties found in whole smoked 
cannabis give us reason to continue the 
struggle to support the clubs’ efforts. 

Раш Armentano 
The NORML Foundation 
Washington, D.C. 


Despite threats by the feds to shut 
down marijuana clubs, Oakland Can- 


Coming to a coffee table near you . . 
shots in Tony Ward's Obsessions showcase stiletto heels, oral fixations, three- 


somes, anal beads, contortions and a woman 


nabis Buyers’ Cooperative remains 
open. Others, like myself, have started 
our own informal clubs. I’m not afraid 
of the Gestapo tactics of the feds. When 
you are dealing with a life-threatening 
illness, you will do anything to stay 
alive. That includes breaking immoral 
drug laws that would doom me to a 
painful death. If authorities don't like 
it, they can go to hell. I have a right to 
relieve my pain and nausea. If the po- 
lice come to take us sick folks away, 
they'd better have plenty of empty hos- 
pital beds. 
Lynn Waltz 
Fremont, California 
Soon after we received Waltz’ letter, a 
judge cleared the way for federal marshals to 
close the Oakland club, which has 1400 
members. The city council promptly declared 
а public health emergency. A month earli- 
er, DEA agents had raided the Humboldt 
Cannabis Center in Arcata, destroying 155 
plants intended for use by the club's more 
than 300 members. The center's director 


. fetish art. The grainy black-and-white 


а dog collar using a nightstick as 


а sex toy. Steve Diet Goedde's playful book, The Beauty of Fetish, highlights 
corsets, gas masks, garter belts and rubber dresses. Don't say we didn't warn you. 


53 


54 


said, “I guess the DEA would rather have 
patients buy on the black market.” 


Is it just me, or does it seem that 
your editorial staff consists of a bunch 
of over-the-hill potheads? Of all the 
topics concerning the world, it seems 
like PLAYBOY could come up with other 
dead horses to beat than the legaliza- 
tion of marijuana. 

Robert Watson 
Garland, Texas 


JUST SAY NO MILITARY 

The danger of programs such as 
DARE (“Just Say No,” The Playboy Fo- 
тит, October) is that police, whose 
work necessarily involves social control 
through the threat or use of force, are 
presented to youngsters as authorities 
on an extremely delicate issue. These 
“feel good” programs are public rela- 
tions for a self-destructive drug war. 
That the military has become involved 
in this war is equally troublesome. Ac- 
cording to a magazine published by the 
U.S. Army War College, the National 
Guard has more counternarcotics offi- 
cers than the DEA has special agents, 
and each day takes part in 1300 coun- 
terdrug operations that involve 4000 
troops. The Guard routinely works 
with an organization called Communi- 
ty Antidrug Coalitions of America. One 
of capca’s goals is to prevent the pas- 
sage of medicinal marijuana initiatives. 

Like police departments across the 
country, the Guard also now offers pre- 
vention programs for kids. The Indi- 
ana National Guard, for example, 
sponsors campouts, provides speakers 
and, in cooperation with other state 
agencies, produced a comic book de- 
picting Guardsmen and other law en- 
forcement characters as drug-fighting 
superheroes. 

‘The zealotry of the drug war has 
eroded the traditional limits on the 
power of the police and the military. 
Let’s think long and hard before we 
expand their powers any further. Your 
readers can learn more online at www. 
stopthedrugwar.org. 

David Borden 

Executive Director 

Drug Reform Coordination Network 

Washington, D.C. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime telephone number. Fax number: 
212-951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy. 
сот (please include your city and state) 


IF IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE NBA, 


how about penalties for politicians? 


ews item: President Bill Clinton to- 

day received a $30,000 fine and a 
two-week suspension for his indiscre- 
tions with intern Monica Lewinsky. 

Athletes occasionally exhibit 
their human frailties and stray 
from the straight and narrow. A 
transgression might involve an il- 
legal substance, fisticufls with a 
fellow sportsman, expectorating 
on an official, kicking a camera- 
man or biting off a piece of an op- 
posing professional's ear. We ac- 
cept that sort of behavior because 
professional athletic associ- 


A more extreme system of fines, 
suspensions and penalties (such 
as having to appear in public with 
Jerry Falwell) could be estab- 
lished for repeat offenders. 
“These sanctions would be de- 
termined and imposed by rotat- 
ing groups of citizens chosen to 
represent the electorate. Anyone 
who bought a Powerball ticket in 
the preceding month would be 
eligible to serve. Revenues gener- 
ated from the fines, suspended 
wages and undelivered PAC mon- 


ations have wisely devel- 
oped systems of sanc- 
tions. In some of the 
more contentious sports, 
such as hockey, a penalty 
box is part of the game. 
If a player violates the 
tules, he is sanctioned, 
and the focus can return 
immediately to the tasks 
at hand—vinning games, 
fleecing fans and making 
incredible piles of money 
that players and owners 
can bicker over. 

No such mechanism 
exists for our elected rep- 
resentatives. When they 
violate one or more of the 


Ten Commandments, their 
only recourse is to deny it. This 
leads to leaks and spins, long com- 
mittee hearings, independent 
counsels and a parade of lawyers. 
Millions of tax dollars are wasted, 
the business of government 
doesn't get done and no one is 
happy except the media and the 
aforementioned lawyers. 
Politicians should take a lesson 
from professional athletes. We 
should institute an organized sys- 
tem of sanctions. Penalty boxes 
could be installed in the White 
House and on the floors of the 
House of Representatives and the 
Senate to punish those guilty of 
transgressions. While i 
alty box, a polit 
vote; could not introduce, sign or 
veto legislation; could not speak 
in public; and could not accept 
any money from special interests. 


ey could be used to pay citizens 
for their time. Because we can be 
reasonably sure that our politi- 
cians won't stop lying, selling 
their votes or violating God's 
commandments any time soon, 
these revenues also could be used 
for campaign finance reform. 
Such a system of sanctions would 
not only solve the problem of 
how to deal with ethics violations, 
but it would also preclude specta- 
cles such as the vice president so- 
liciting campaign contributions 
from Buddhist monks. 
Although constitutional schol- 
ars and political scientists may 
quibble with the finer points of 
this proposal, it is basically sound. 
Any system good enough for pro- 
fessional wrestling has to be good 

enough for Washington. 
—FRED LEONARD 


HARD Time 


the puritan vision is alive and well—in prison 


n 1996 Congress passed the En- 

sign amendment, which bars in- 

mates in federal prisons from re- 

ceiving material that is “sexually 
explicit or features nudity.” 

Representative John Ensign 
(R-Nev.) convinced his colleagues 
that "Congress should not be fueling 
the sexual appetites of offenders, es- 
pecially those who have been convict- 
ed of despicable sex offenses against 
women and children. Magazines that 
portray and exploit sex acts have no 
place in the rehabilitative environ- 
ment of prisons.” 

Law-and-order types may scoff at a 
prisoner's right to receive PLAYBOY or 
other adult material. Others may find 
irony in a view that places PLAYBOY as 
a privilege—the denial of which is a 
form of punishment. The Ensign 
amendment (and the dozens of 
state laws that cover the same 
ground) has less to do with the 
rehabilitation of prisoners than 
with bizarre theories on the 
dangers of nudity and sexual 
expression. It is part of а gov- 
ernment campaign to criminalize 
sex—and to eradicate the First 
Amendment one issue at a time. In 
the past few years ме have seen а bill 
that bans the sale of sexually explicit 
materials on military bases explained 
away as protecting our troops’ “de- 
fense readiness.” Gls and jailmates 
have to obey; they don't have the 
same rights as the rest of us, right? 

The Supreme Court has long held 
that “prison walls do not form a bar- 
rier separating prison inmates from 
the protections of the Constitution.” 
When three federal prisoners chal- 
lenged the Ensign amendment, a cir- 
cuit court in Washington, D.C. up- 
held the government's right to deny 
access to sexual images. 

The court's reasoning was as bi- 
zarre as it was familiar. Resurrecting a 
mid-19th century model of prisons, 
the decision described rehabilitation 
this way: “The penitentiary, free of 
corruptions and dedicated to the 
proper training of the inmate, would 
inculcate the discipline that negligent 
parents, evil companions, taverns, 
houses of prostitution, theaters and 
gambling halls had destroyed. Just as 


the criminal's environment had led 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


him into crime, the institutional envi- 
ronment would lead him out of it.” 
In other words, remove temptation 
and we would all be model citizens. 
That's what the Puritans believed. 
The ability to repress natural sexual 
feelings was a sign of character, and 
the lawbooks were (and are) filled 
with statutes guaranteed to keep you 
proper. The judges who upheld 
the Ensign amendment proclaimed, 
“Congress might well perceive por- 
nography as tending generally to 


thwart the character growth of its 
consumers.” 

To drive home its point that prison- 
ers exposed to photos of naked wom- 
en are certain to become violent and 
disorderly, the court cited Catharine 
MacKinnon, a law professor who 
wants to rid the world of pornog- 
raphy. She is the prime advocate of 
sexual harassment laws that seek to 
purge the workplace of sexual im- 
ages, language and gestures. The 
judges parroted MacKinnon's mantra 
that porn degrades women by por- 
traying them as sexual objects. ‘To its 
credit, the court recognized the Vic- 
torian nature of the ban, saying, “This 
viewpoint shares at least a core with 
ideas that have a lineage of a few cen- 
turies, perhaps millennia, stressing 
the desirability of deferring gratifi- 
cation, of sublimation of sexual im- 
pulses, of channeling sexual expres- 
sion into long-term relationships of 


caring and affection, of joining eros 
to agape. The supposition that exclu- 
sion of pornography from prisons 
will have much of an impact in this di- 
rection may be optimistic, but it is not 
irrational.” 

Without using the word, the court 
ruled that masturbation is the root of 
all evil. Prison should not allow publi- 
cations that “elevate the value of the 
viewer's immediate sexual gratifica- 
tion over the values of respect and 
consideration for others. Common 
sense tells us that prisoners are more 
likely to develop the now-missing 
self-control and respect for others if 
prevented from poring over pictures 
that are themselves degrading and 
disrespectful.” 

If appreciation of the nude female 
(or male) form keeps prisoners from 
becoming model citizens, what does 

that say about the millions of model 

citizens who pore over the same 
pictures outside prison walls? If 
you entertain sexual fantasies, will 
you become a sociopath? 

Years ago, feminist Robin Mor- 
gan claimed famously that “por- 
nography is the theory, rape is the 

practice.” Researchers have strug- 
gled in vain to prove it. None has 
found a causal relationship between 
porn and sexual aggression. Howev- 
er, that did not deter the circuit court. 

Тһе judges cited research by social 
scientists that shows violent pornog- 
raphy increases levels of aggression. 
Never mind that one of the same 
studies also found that mild erotica 
lowers levels of aggression. The judg- 
es said that the actual evidence didn't 
matter. 

In the wake of the decision we were 
inundated with letters from prisoners 
who reported that wardens were pro- 
hibiting rLaysoY and other publica- 
tions containing erotic images, in- 
cluding the swimsuit edition of Sports 
Illustrated and fitness magazines that 
featured female bodybuilders. In case 
after case, prison officials banned ma- 
terial after ruling it was “detrimental 
to the safety, security, order or reha- 
bilitative interests” of the facility. бех- 
ual materials especially created a “risk 
of disorder.” 

If they can do it to prisoners, they 
can do it to you. 


55 


N E W 


ӨТЕ КЕ 


ом T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


CONDOM NATION 


TALLAHASSEE —Administrators at Lin- 
coln High disciplined 14 seniors because 
they wore T-shirts to school with the image 
of а condom package on the front pocket 


and the slogan 99 PERCENT EFFECTIVE: 
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD GRADUA- 
TION CaP оп the back. An assistant princi- 
pal said the “sexually suggestive” shirts vi- 
olated the school’s dress code. The student 
who made and sold the 125 shirts received 
а two-day suspension. Nine other students 
were suspended for a day. 

DURHAM, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Officials at 
the University of New Hampshire were not 
pleased with a condom advertising insert 
in the student newspaper that unfolded in- 
to two posters of sexy models with the slo- 
gan HOW 2 HAVE MORE FUN IN BED. An 
administrator said the insert promoted “sex 
forthe sake of sex." The newspaper's editor 
disagreed, saying the ad spoke directly to 
college guys. 


HIV ASSAULT? 


COLUMBUS, MISSISSIPPI—A judge sen- 
tenced a 45-year-old man to the maximum 
of five years in prison for failing to tell two 
Sex partners that he is HIV-positive and 
use а condom with spermicide, as required 
by a health department order. In Akron, 
Ohio, meanwhile, prosecutors charged an 
accused rapist with attempted murder be- 
cause he allegedly told his victim he want- 
ed to give her HIV. The same month, the 
Canadian Supreme Court ruled that peo- 


ple who тош they have HIV but don't tell 
sex partners may be guilty of assault. As in 
Mississippi, the case involved a man who 
had been ordered to inform potential sex 
partners of his status and wear a condom. 
A lower court acquitted him of aggravated 
assault (neither of the two women he slept 
with contracted the virus), but the high 
court ordered a new trial. Health advo- 
cates worry that the ruling will discourage 
people from being tested. 


HARD LESSONS Н 


WASHINGTON, D.C.—The recently passed 
amendment to the Higher Education Act 
disqualifies anyone convicted of drug 
charges from receiving federal student aid. 
A student can requalify by completing re- 
hab and testing negalive for drugs over а 
six-month period. Critics of the feel-good 
measure note that the law may keep a 
teenager caught with a joint from attend- 
ing college. They also point out that the 
law amplifies the effects of an already dis- 
criminatory drug war: While a relative- 
ly small percentage of blacks use illegal 
drugs, they account for more than half of 
the people convicted of drug possession. 


ASSEMBLE THE TROOPS: 


PHILADELPHIA—The ACLU and other 
groups filed suit in federal court to block 
the Child Online Protection Act, which re- 
quires adult Web sites to verify that each 
visitor is at least 17 years old (usually by 
asking for a credit card number). The law, 
which punishes violators with fines and 
jail terms, applies only to sites that contain 
material considered “harmful to minors.” 
Disney and other companies lobbied law- 
makers for a last-minute exemption, argu- 
ing the law should apply only to sites whose 
“principal business” is explicit material. 
Lawmakers also approved a three-year 
moratorium on new Internet taxes but said 
it won't apply to companies that violate the 
Child Online Protection Act. 


PRO-LIFE PUNISHMENT = 


CLEVELAND—A county judge sent a col- 
lege student to prison on a minor forgery 
charge to prevent her from having an 
abortion. "She is not having а second-term 
abortion,” Judge Patricia Cleary told the 
woman's lawyer, according to а court tran- 
script. An appeals court later set bond, al- 
lowing the 21-year-old to be freed. Howev- 


er, it was loo late for her to have a legal 
abortion in Ohio, and she must remain in 
the state as a condition of her release. 


STAGS STALLED ШЕ 

NEW YORK— The Whitney Museum of 
American Art canceled an exhibit called 
“Secret Cinema: The History of the Amer- 
ican Stag Film,” which had been support- 
ed in part by a $50,000 grant from the 
Hugh M. Hefner Foundation. Set to run 
from December 17 through April 14, the 
exhibit would have been the first scholarly 
presentation of films at a major U.S. mu- 
seum. The Whitney planned to screen hun- 
dreds of мар films dating from 1915 to 
1969, as well as distribute a 240-page il- 
lustrated catalog. After a lack of funding 
forced the museum to cancel an exhibit 
called “Great American Nude” that would 
have run at the same time, administrators 
decided the stag films lacked the “cultural 
and academic context” to go it alone. 


SEWER SNIFFER === 

CALGARY— Police raided an indoor mar- 
ijuana-growing operation and seized 75 
plants following a tip from a sanitation 
worker. The worker smelled marijuana 
while repairing a four-inch sewage line 


that ran into a nearby house. “The growth 
was being ventilated through an exhaust 
fan connected to the basement sewer line,” 
a detective explained. Police charged a 37- 
year-old man with possession of marijuana 
‘and theft of electricity. 


Pao PLAYBOY's 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: EMERIL LAGASSE 


a candid conversation with (9% wildest chef about food and men, food and sex, 
food and celebrities and how he taught julia child to suck head and pinch tail 


Emeril Lagasse hits the stage to the type of 
whooping and hollering normally reserved 
for, say, Chris Rock or Eddie Vedder. Wear- 
ing a starched white coat and a toque, he 
hunches over a hunk of beef, which he glee- 
fully pierces. Into the incisions he stuffs 
cloves of garlic. “Should we hick it up?” he 
asks, and a raucous audience of police and 
firemen yell back, “More! Yeah!” 

Lagasse adds more garlic. Thirty, maybe 
40 cloves. 

The meat is shoved into an oven and La- 
gasse turns to a bowl that contains eggs, 
flour and other ingredients. He stuffs his 
hand into a big bowl of powder, grabbing a 
handful. “What do you think, guys?” he 
asks. “Shall we kick this one up а few notch- 
es, loo?" 

The audience cheers louder: “АП right!” he 
says. "Les kick it up just like you said." He 
throws in the powder, his spice mix called 
Essence, and lets out a staccato, “Bam!” 
Then other ingredients are tossed in. “Bam! 
Some pepper. Bam! Some salt. Bam! More 
Essence.” 

Lagasse picks up the bowl and mixes its 
contents with a hefty wooden spoon. There's 
music from a studio band that consists of а 
guitar picker and a harmonica player, and 
Lagasse breaks into a huge smile. “Man,” he 
says, “food rocks, don’t it?” The audience 


“Cooking is cool. You don't have to stay in 
the closet if you like to cook dinner. You don't 
have to worry that the guy across the street is 
going to laugh at you—because he’s probably 
doing the same thing.” 


members cheer and stomp their feet. “Bam!” 
Time for a commercial. 

On the slim chance that you're one of the 
uninitiated, “Emeril Live” is the wildest, 
most popular cooking show ever to appear 
on American television. Lagasse himself has 
become a megastar, not only one of the 
world’s most heralded chefs but a TV person- 
ality who has been called “the Jerry Seinfeld 
of the Food Network” and is known for 
“bamming” and such platitudes as “Pork fat 
rules.” 

“Emeril Live,” available to the Food Net- 
work's 35 million subscribers, is unlike any 
other food show. Lagasse, a cookbook author 
and famed restaurateur, makes cooking so 
much fun that stuffy foodies have called him 
bombastic and the show cartoony. But there 
have been far more raves. “Time” named 
“The Essence of Emeril” one of TV's best 
shows in 1996. 

Lagasse has been on television since 
1993, when he signed with the Food Net- 
work to host his first cooking shows, “How to 
Boil Water” and “Emeril and Friends,” both 
scripted and predictable. Next came “The 
Essence of Emeril,” which allowed him more 
freedom, But it wasn't until the freewheel- 
ing, spontaneous “Emeril Live” debuted in 
1997 that Lagasse was unleashed. Attract- 
ing people who weren't typical cooking-show 


әу 
“I wanted to make my TV show fun. Cooking 
isn’t rocket science. You're basically dumping 
all the shit into a bowl. You don't need a doc- 
torate. Fun should equate to delicious. It 
doesn't have to be difficult.” 


viewers—men from college age on—the show 
grew wilder by the week. As Doreen Iudica 
igue described it in “The Boston Globe,” 
“It’s a mashed-potato Mardi Gras revel, 
complete with a live band and a host who 
acts as if he'd consider a warning from the 
cops proof of a good party. When the biscuits 
are ready, Lagasse doesn’t just stack them on 
a serving plate; he tosses a few into the audi- 
ence like а giddy peanut vendor at a ball 
game. It’s Rocky Balboa with oven milts, 
Fred Flintstone as the Galloping Gourmet. 
“Hey!” he yells. “This is like a real cookin’ 
show we got here” 

Before television, Lagasse had a smaller 
but passionate following thanks to his res- 
taurants in New Orleans. Emeril’s, his flag- 
ship restaurant, is considered one of the best 
in the country, praised in magazines such 
as “Condé Nast Traveler,” “Esquire” and 
“Travel & Leisure.” “Restaurants & Insti- 
tutions” awarded Emeril's the prestigious 
Ivy Award for 1994 and Lagasse has been 
nominated four times for best chef in Ameri- 
са by the James Beard Foundation. Always 
packed (reservations are coveted), Emeril's 
has hosted numerous luminaries, including 
President Clinton and Bruce Springsteen, 
who is a fan of Lagasse's killer banana 
cream pie. 

After the success of Emeril’s, Lagasse 


ab 
7 he 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KERRI MCCAFFETY 


a MA 


“People don't go to nice restaurants because 
they need to be nourished, but because they 
want to be entertained. It’s no longer sex, 
5 and rock and той. Today it's food, 
wine and sex—and an occasional cigar.” 


59 


PLAYBOY 


opened two other restaurants in New Or- 
leans—NOLA and Delmonico—as well as 
Emeril's New Orleans Fish House in Las Ve- 
gas and his newest, Emeril’s Orlando, in 
Florida. Each has a different menu, but all 
feature Lagasse’s “kicked up” food, which is 
centered on Creole and Cajun classics but 
includes Asian, Italian and Southwestern 
touches. А typical evening's menu might іп- 
clude eggplant-and-shrimp beignets, сташ- 
fish étouffée, quail stuffed with corn bread- 
‘and-andouille dressing, and pan-roasted 
chicken with oyster dressing and sweet pota- 
to pudding. 

Lagasse’s growing fame as a chef led 
to the TV shows and his position as a food 
correspondent with weekly spots on “Good 
Morning America.” He has also written 
popular cookbooks, including “Emeril’s Cre- 
ole Christmas,” “Louisiana Real & Rustic” 
and the latest, “Emeril’s TV Dinners.” 

Food has been his obsession since he was a 
child in Fall River, Massachusetts, where he 
gol his accent ("garlic" is pronounced “gaw- 
lick”) and his inspiration to cook. His first 
teacher was his mother, who taught Emeril 
her Portuguese specialties, including kale 
soup and Portuguese stew. (Now Hilda La- 
gasse is an occasional guest on his TV show. 
She once scolded him when he changed one 
of her recipes. “Come on, Ma!” he respond- 
ed. "It's my show”) 

Lagasse’s father, Emeril Jr, worked in а 
Fall River textile-finishing plant, which is 
where most of Emeril’s friends wound up. 
But Emeril’s first job was at the local Por- 
tuguese bakery, where he learned to bake 
bread and make pastry. He later worked at 
restaurants while studying music. A promis- 
ing percussionist, he joined a dance band, 
the Royal Aces, and won a full scholarship to 
the New England Conservatory of Music. 
He turned it down, much to his parents’ con- 
sternation. Instead he enrolled at Johnson & 
Wales, a culinary school in Providence, 
Rhode Island. After graduating, he worked 
in restaurant kitchens in France, New York, 
Philadelphia and Boston. In 1982, when 
he was 26, he left the East for the top job 
at Commander's Palace in New Orleans, 
replacing the celebrated chef Paul Prud- 
homme. He left Commander's and opened 
Emeril’s in 1990. 

Lagasse, 42, has been married twice. His 
first wife, Elizabeth, a schoolteacher, is the 
mother of his daughters Jessica, 19, who is a 
student at Cornell, and Jillian, 17. In 1989 
he married Tari Hohn, an actor, who worked 
with him at his restaurants until they went 
their separate ways recently. Now single, he 
says he has little time for dating. He cooks 
even on Sundays—the one day he doesn't 
work—for his parents or friends 

PLAYBOY tracked down Lagasse during a 
break in his frantic schedule. He had just те- 
turned to New Orleans from New York City, 
where he tapes his television show. Con- 
tributing Editor David Sheff, who recently in- 
terviewed Matt Drudge and Paul Reiser, 
found Lagasse at his namesake restaurant in 
New Orleans. Here's Sheff's report: “La- 


60 gasse, downing shots of espresso at a back 


table at Emeril’s, was more serious than on 
TV though he laughs heartily and punctu- 
ates his stories with an occasional ‘Bam! 

“Before dinner each night the waiters and 
kitchen staff gather in the main dining room 
at Emeril's, where they are prepared for the 
evening by the boss and his head chefs and 
managers. Servers’ fingernails and uni- 
forms are inspected, and waiters present 
their corkscrews, pens and cigar cutters. 

“After the inspection comes a reading of 
the night’s VIP reservations. A local politi- 
cian has requested privacy. ‘Please respect 
that request,’ the staff is told. The sommelier 
is informed that the politician prefers ‘big, 
red wines.” 

“During dinner, Lagasse is both the con- 
ductor and a player in a complex orchestra, 
barking orders, answering questions and 
presenting meticulously prepared plates of 
his specialties to some guests—including me. 
Here is what he fed your humble reporter: 
crepes stuffed with scallops and black trum- 
pet mushrooms. A parfait of salmon tartare 
layered with a savory pastry cream, osctra 
caviar and shaved hearts of palm. Hand-cut 
noodles with truffles. Barbecued shrimp with 
rosemary biscuits. Escolar, the fish he has 


People are sexy just being 
around the whole food thing, 
whether they are cooking and 

chopping, kneading, 
stirring—and that’s before 
you even start to eat. 


served President Clinton, in a Creole sauce, 
with pecans and vegetables. Venison and 
mashed potatoes with andouille. Finally, a 
taste of every dessert on the menu: lemon ice- 
box pie, banana cream pie drizzled with 
chocolate and butterscotch, homemade ice 
cream and sorbet, Creole bonbons and a 
chocolate Grand Marnier soufflé. And then 
there was the wine. 

“Later, 1 asked Lagasse if he had tried to 
kill me with the outrageous seven-course 
dinner. He said, ‘If Га wanted to kill you, 
you wouldn't be here to ask me about it?” 


PLAYBOY: Not long ago, cooking was pri- 
marily for women. What changed? 

LAGASSE: In the mid-Seventies, the De- 
partment of Labor changed its classifica- 
tion of cooking from a blue-collar to а 
white-collar profession. Cooking became 
more respected. Maybe that’s what it 
was, because suddenly men were cook- 
ing. When I came along doing my thing, 
it was no big deal. Most of the top cooks 
were men. The biggest audience for 
Emeril Live is men—college kids to guys 
50 and older. And they're not the kinds 
of guys you might expect to find in 
aprons. These are regular Joes who 


come from regular backgrounds. Be- 
cause it's OK now. You don't have to stay 
in the closet if you like to cook dinner. 
You don't have to worry that the guy 
across the street is going to laugh at 
you—because he's probably doing the 
same thing. 

PLAYBOY: 15 part of the change because 
now men share more in domestic chores, 
including cooking? Or have men been 
cooking all along but in secret? 

LAGASSE: Both. There definitely were a 
lot of men in the closet. There still are 
some closet bammers out there—you 
don't fool me. I know that you're wait- 
ing until the kids aren't looking and the 
wife is gone. As soon as she drives down 
the street, you're at the stove bamming. 
But there's no need to be in the clo: 
et. Everyone is bamming. Cooking is 
cool now. 

PLAYBOY: It's always been OK for guys to 
cook on the barbecue. Why was there a 
distinction? 

LAGASSE: Maybe it’s a caveman thing. 
Playing with fire is acceptable. But now 
men can cook anything. Emeril helped 
plow the path, but I'm definitely not the 
only one. In America, the famous chefs 
used to be women—Julia Child and 
Marion Cunningham. In Europe there 
were always male chefs. Here we have 
the Galloping Gourmet, Graham Kerr, 
who is still around and is still doing a 
great job. But women used to rule cook- 
ing. No more. Wolfgang Puck, Charlie 
‘Trotter, Paul Prudhomme. There are 
many of us. 

PLAYBOY: Do men eat differently now? Do 
real men eat quiche? 

LAGASSE: Real men eat whatever is deli- 
cious. Delicious is the word now. Several 
years ago it was “macho.” But now it's 
cool to appreciate any good food. Inci- 
dentally, quiche is coming back. Every- 
thing—automobiles, fashion, music and 
food—evolves. Led Zeppelin is back. 
Quiche is coming back. 

PLAYBOY: What else? Don't men still want 
mostly meat and potatoes? 

LAGASSE: And fish and salads and great 
sauces. | want a good steak once in a 
while, but variety is the spice of life. 
PLAYBOY: Personally, do you have a fa- 
vorite ingredient? 

LAGASSE: I love garlic. I love onion. I love 
potato. 1 love truffles. Really, everything. 
PLAYBOY: And apparently it doesn't mat- 
ter what time of day or night you eat, 
right? 

LAGASSE: It's the civilized way. Here you 
can eat anytime. In New York you can 
have dinner at three in the morning. But 
in other cities, the bars close at 11. Why? 
І try to stay away from those places as 
much as I can. For me, going out to а 
great dinner is good entertainment. I 
don't want to be rushed. I want to relish 
every course, enjoy the wine. Twenty 
years ago, many of us considered rock 
and roll the only true form of entertain- 
ment; you'd wait all day to get tickets for 


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some show. What else? Maybe go to a 
hockey game or major-league ball game, 
depending on where you lived. What 
were you going to do? Go to the roller- 
skating rink? Bowling? Most people I 
know get together but don’t do those 
things much. What they do is go out to 
dinner. Good restaurants today are en- 
tertainment. I'm not talking about the 
way they do it at Earth Hollywood or 
whatever you call it. The food is very 
mediocre. In those places the entertain- 
ment isn't the food, it's the pictures on 
the wall. When it comes to great food, 
though, dinner is an experience. People 
don't go to nice restaurants because they 
need to be nourished, but because they 
want to be entertained. Food is a signifi- 
cant part of life. It's 
no longer sex, drugs 
and rock and roll. To- 
day it's food, wine 
and sex—and an oc- 
casional cigar. 

PLAYBOY: Or, presum- 
ably, a combination. 
Is food sexy? 

LAGASSE: No question 
about it. First of all, 
people are sexy just 
being around the 
whole food thing, 
whether they are 
cooking and chop- 


Af you think you've seen it all when it comes to 


have had transcendental meals, or how- 
ever you want to put it, you know what 
happens: You put something new in 
your mouth and you have the taste and 
the flavor and it hits you and you just 
can't believe it gets better than that. And 
then it does—with the next course. Food 
is seductive. It seduces. People can win 
hearts with food. 

PLAYBOY: Are certain foods aphrodisiacs? 
LAGASSE: I think they are. Some of the 
experts say oysters are. Some say choco- 
late is; the Aztecs used to drink chocolate 
to become sexually aroused. They ended 
their meals with chocolate just like we of- 
ten do. 

PLAYBOY: So chocolate cake works? 
LAGASSE: I think it does. It seems to work 


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have told me that gravlax and other 
cured fish does it for them. For some 
people it’s Japanese food: sushi or sea 
urchin, those little gifts from the sea. 
PLAYBOY: What does it for you? 

LAGASSE: It doesn't have to be a fancy 
dinner with multiple courses. I had roast 
chicken last night. It was perfectly 
cooked, simple and ideal. When I fin- 
ished, I felt, If something came down 
and crashed into the world right now, I 
could accept it; I would be fine. 
PLAYBOY: Can you recommend a recipe 
for novice cooks who want to impress 
a date? 

LAGASSE: There are guidelines I can rec- 
ommend. Do something simple so you 
can relax and enjoy the evening; you 
don’t want to spend 
the entire time in the 
Kitchen. Start light— 
an easy salad or 
something similar. An 
elegant but simple 
main course. Find 
out in advance what 
she likes; do some de- 
tective work. Select 
wine or champagne 
or whatever the meal 
calls for—or whatev- 
er she prefers. Final- 
ly, follow the seven Ps. 
PLAYBOY: What are the 
seven Ps? 


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you even start to eat. 
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LAGASSE: Prior prop- 
er planning prevents 
piss poor perfor- 
mance. Іп other 
words, experiment in 
advance. Try out the 
meal on your friends 


Food can be very se- 
ductive. І have to tell 
you: I get in these 
food modes where I 
can basically blow 
somebody right off 
her chair if I want to. 
That's because food 
can inspire other sen- 
ses, other moods. 
PLAYBOY: What exact- 
ly do you mean by 
blowing someone off her chair? 
LAGASSE: I can put someone оп a food 
high. Ir's like getting such an unbeliev- 
able massage that you feel drunk. Food 
can do that, too. People have come to 
our restaurant and proposed. They 
didn’t plan to do it, but they got caught 
up in this heady, excited state. You never 
know what will happen. 

PLAYBOY: That sounds dangerous. 
LAGASSE: More often, it’s the opposite. 
People usually come to the restaurants in 
a pretty good mood, but I have to say 
that they usually leave a lot happier: 
PLAYBOY: How much do wine and other 
libations contribute? 

LAGASSE: It all works together. It is all 


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for a lot of people who leave our restau- 
rant very happy. Now whether they run 
home and jump into bed, I don't know. 
But they have left here on the right 
track. Maybe it was the chocolate. For 
some people, the turn-on is another 
dessert. For some, it is a particular cav- 
iar. For others, it's a sauce. I do a sauce 
that’s like a love potion. 1 swear, you 
could put it on anything and you would 
have to be an idiot not to score. 

PLAYBOY: Are there other aphrodisiacs? 
Lagasse: Champagne works. Alcohol in 
general works, but there are other foods, 
тоо. Some people tell me pork fat works. 
PLAYBOY: Pork fat? 

LAGASSE: Hey, I'm just reporting. Bacon, 
sausage or some other pork fat. People 


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PLAYBOY: How about 
when people cook for 
you? Are they intimi- 
dated by thar? 
LAGASSE: All I know is 
that I rarely get invit- 
ed over to anybody's 
house, even though I 
am really the simplest 
guy. You don't have to make anything 
fancy. I don't eat “gourmet.” I just want 
you to cook me a great hamburger and 
ГЇЇ be happy. A good mac and cheese 
would make me very happy. Simplicity 
goes a long way. I always tell people that 
to have great cuisine you just have to 
have great ingredients prepared honest- 
ly. Nothing has to be expensive. Ргера- 
rations don't have to be complicated. 
There's nothing like fresh, delicious, 
simple vegetables that are cooked well. 
PLAYBOY: So what is your opinion of 
vegetarianism? 

LAGASSE: I think it’s a great choice for 
some people. All our restaurants have a 
vegetarian sense about the menu. You 
are not going to find any asterisks or 


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hearts or circles with lines through them 
that signify vegetarian food. Why does it 
have to be singled out? I don't believe in 
singling out people because they don't 
eat pork or have dietary constraints or 
are vegetarian. In our kitchens we think 
nothing of creating a whole vegetarian 
tasting for someone who wants it. And 
I think vegetables are good. The chal- 
lenge is to be creative with simple ingre- 
dients. How much of a challenge is it to 
be creative with caviar, foie gras or truf- 
fles? But try being creative with a snow 
pea ora French bean or a potato. That's a 
challenge. 
PLAYBOY: Are you too much of a carni- 
vore to consider giving up meat? 
LAGASSE: I don't need to. I believe in 
moderation. I don't preach what you 
should or shouldn't eat, but I do tell peo- 
ple that moderation is everything in life. 
PLAYBOY: How concerned аге you about 
the healthfulness of your recipes? 
LAGASSE: Very. Educating about healthy 
food is a mission of mine. Again, I 
reach moderation. You don't have to 
forsake butter, you don't have to give up 
fried food or beef or lamb or shrimp. 
You don't have to give up wine. Unless 
you have an allergy to any of these 
things. Moderation is everything. I'm 
the guy who says pork fat rules. But I 
don't eat pork fat every day. I'd be the 
first one to sit down with you and eat a 
bag of cracklings, but we can’t do that 
every day. 
PLAYBOY: Moderation? How about a meal 
we saw you prepare on your TV show 
that included a thick steak with both bor- 
delaise and Maytag blue sabayon sauces 
and a fried potato sandwich stuffed with 
grilled onions, a pile of cheese and tons 
of bacon? 
LAGASSE: That was an off-the-chart kind 
of show and an off-the-chart kind of 
dish. Once in a while, go for it. Most of 
the time, moderation. Гуе been criti- 
cized because I use pork fat and butter 
and all this other stuff, but a panel of di- 
etitians tested recipes of the chefs on the 
Food Network and Emeril's came out 
the best, with the lowest calories and 
cholesterol. I'm a purist. I don't believe 
in anything artificial. I make my own 
everything—Worcestershire sauce, ісе 
cream—because I don't believe in stabi- 
lizers or chemicals that can keep things 
on the shelf for a long time. So I'ma 
purist, but I eat everything. 
PLAYBOY: But study after study has shown 
that butter, cream, eggs and beef can be 
harmful. 
LAGASSE: OK, but look. I'm going to 
make a roux, and I use oil or butter as 
the fat. Let's say I'm making a gallon of 
gumbo, which is, with rice, enough to 
serve eight people аз а main course. For 
a gallon of gumbo, you'd need a roux 
made with a half cup of fat and a half 
cup of flour. Divide that into eight or so 
servings and look at how much of the fat 


64 each person is really consuming. People 


don't think things through. 
PLAYBOY: What about deep-frying, the 
preferred method for many Southern 
dishes? Do you think that’s OK, too? 
LAGASSE: In moderation. But, also, the 
frying has to be done right. You have to 
use the right fat. You have to keep it at 
the correct temperature. If you do, how 
much oil absorbs into an order of fried 
chicken or soft-shell crab? Where people 
go wrong is they don't use the right oil 
and the correct temperature, so all the 
saturated fat is sucked into whatever 
they're cooking. That's when the food 
gets greasy and really hurts you. Mc- 
Donald's french fries are good and they 
sell billions because they use vegetable 
oil and fry them the right amount of 
time at the right temperature. 

PLAYBOY: What's your cholesterol level? 
LAGASSE: Less than 200, and I eat foie 
gras at least once a week. 

PLAYBOY: Do you exercise? 

LAGASSE: I’m not a fanatic. I do when I 
сап, but I don't have a lot of time. 
PLAYBOY: Іп France there is less heart dis- 
ease despite all that butter, cream and 
wine. Some people say the red wine is ге- 
sponsible for the good checkups. 
LAGASSE: All I know is that I am very se- 
rious about wine. It's one of my hobbies. 
I drink wine every day. It makes me feel 
happy and makes me feel good. I recent- 
ly had a physical, and the doctor said, “I 
can't believe this! Your cholesterol is fab- 
ulous! Your blood pressure is great! 
Your heart is great!” 

PLAYBOY: Instead of the good report, how 
would you have responded if your doc- 
tor had put you on a diet of boiled chick- 
en and cottage cheese? 

LAGASSE: No way! I couldn't do it. Pd 
have to find an alternative. 

PLAYBOY: What if the doctor said there 
was no alternative? 

LAGASSE: Sorry. I love food too much. I 
eat a proper balance of foods, which I 
think is important—grains, vegetables, 
greens. You mix it up. I think that’s why 
I'm OK. You can't eat steaks seven nights 
a week. 

PLAYBOY: Do you smoke cigars? 

LAGASSE: We started a cigar program at 
Emeril's before it was cool. It started in 
1990 and is probably one of the largest 
cigar programs in North America. 
PLAYBOY: It would be tougher in Califor- 
nia, with its law against smoking in 
restaurants. 

LAGASSE: That is why I don't live there. 
California is beautiful, but I could never 
live there. New Orleans is one of those 
feel-free cities, In California, you go to a 
bar, you're out with the guys, you're out 
with the gals, you're having a few pops, 
and you can’t even smoke! You have to 
go out to the parking lot to smoke be- 
tween the quarters of a football game! 
It is a little too extreme as far as I'm 
concerned. Give me a smoking section. 
Make it mandatory that restaurants and 
bars have air-purification systems. We 


have them even though we aren't man- 
dated to. But come on. 

PLAYBOY: But can't cigar smoke at one 
table in a restaurant get in the way of a 
great meal at another table? 

LAGASSE: Of course. First, we have smok- 
ing and nonsmoking sections. We also 
have times that cigar smoking is permit- 
ted and times it’s not. Late at night, 
when the evening is winding down and 
new guests aren't coming in to start their 
meals, the cigars come out. We live in 
what's probably one of the most Euro- 
pean-influenced cities in America. It’s 
nothing for us to have 11:30 reservations 
on Friday and Saturday nights. That 
puts people at the bar smoking cigars at 
1 ог 1:30 in the morning, before they go 
out to a club. They'd be long asleep in 
most American cities. 

PLAYBOY: Are there any rules that you en- 
force at Emeril's? 

LAGASSE: We try to have you keep your 
clothes on while you're eating and have 
you pay the check. Actually, we may 
not always care about the first. In fact, 
that rule has occasionally gone out the 
window. 

PLAYBOY: Are Cubans the best cigars? 
LAGASSE: [Big smile] That's what they say. 
We have a broad selection of cigars in all 
our restaurants, a hundred at Emeril’s. 
All the waiters have clippers; you have to 
have the tools to work. 

PLAYBOY: When President Clinton re- 
cently ate at your restaurant, what did 
you serve? 

LAGASSE: We did a cold soup with cu- 
cumber and Louisiana crabmeat and a 
light relish. Then a prawn-encrusted es- 
colar, a fish that is difficult to get. It's 
line-caught, very juicy, unlike tuna, 
which can get dry. We served mashed 
potatoes, a crawfish meunière sauce and 
some French beans with a little relish. 
He was blown away. 

PLAYBOY: Though he's known to love Mc- 
Donald's french fries, does Clinton have 
a sophisticated palate? 

LAGASSE: He greatly enjoys good food 
PLAYBOY: President Bush was famous for 
his loathing of broccoli. Could you have 
done what Barbara Bush was never able 
to do: Make Bush like broccoli? 
LAGASSE: Definitely. 1 would make itin a 
cheese sauce and he wouldn't know what 
hit him. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever eat at McDonald's? 
LAGAS! о. Well, rarely. If I have a kid 
with me who demands it. I can count on 
one hand the number of times I go in a 
year. I get my annual craving for Pop- 
eye's, generally around Mardi Gras. But 
if I want to eat a great cheeseburger, I go 
to a great cheeseburger place. 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

LAGASSE: I have spent quite a bit of time 
researching this. Гуе been all around 
America looking for the greatest cheese- 
burger. Now I'd say it's in Mount Pleas- 
ant, South Carolina, outside Charleston. 
It's a barbecue place known for its ribs. 


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The name is Melvin's. 

PLAYBOY: What makes it the greatest 
cheeseburger? 

LAGASSE: They cook them on a grill. 
There's a bit of hickory in the grill, too. 
There's a great bun and real cheddar 
cheese, none of that processed junk. The 
guy is a fanatic. He has the best fresh 
sliced onion, the best lettuce he can buy 
and the best vine-ripened tomatoes. It’s 
also served with homemade pickles. 
PLAYBOY: What trends in cooking do you 
loathe? 

LAGASSE: The worst was that nouvelle 
cuisine nonsense. 

PLAYBOY: What do you have against nou- 
velle cuisine? 

LAGASSE: Seventy-five percent of the 
dishes had a butter sauce, though they 
were flavored with mustard or tarragon 
or orange or whatever. But butter sauce 
is butter sauce, right? We would take a 
two-ounce piece of duck and make it 
look like it was 18 ounces. The whole 
thing was about presentation and add- 
ing a blueberry. I did it and I'm glad I 
got out of it real quick. We were mixing 
and matching lobster with blueberry 
sauces and salmon with rhubarb and all 
this crazy stuff. Food is chemistry, and 
that was bad chemistry. It never worked 
for me. Гуе always preferred the basics. 
There's another terrible trend that some 
of us had to go through. In fact, I'm sad 
to say that there are still pockets where 
it's happening. It's the bastardization of 
what was stamped Cajun cuisine. People. 
had no knowledge about what it is, so 
any food that burned your throat was 
called Cajun. Food was rubbed with ev- 
ery kind of spice. Everything was black- 
ened, from English muffins to prime 
rib. I’m glad that we're leaving that 
behind. 

PLAYBOY: Did that come from Paul Prud- 
homme's influence? 

LAGASSE: Paul certainly didn't encourage 
it, but it happened because of his popu- 
larity. People who never really experi- 
enced New Orleans cooking, who never 
experienced the ingredients and tech- 
niques that have made it one of the true. 
American cuisines for hundreds of years, 
made up their own ridiculous versions, 
which were even worse than lobster in 
rhubarb sauce. 

PLAYBOY: What types of food were you 
raised on? 

LAGASSE: My mother was an incredible 
cook, Portuguese. She made everything. 
Her repertoire includes things 1 still do: 
her kale soup, her beans, her stuffing, 
her chicken. She used to do a chowder, 
crusted pork chops, New England boiled 
dinner. I’m getting hungry. Now that my 
parents live here, she has learned New 
Orleans food, too. During crawfish sea- 
son, my mom and dad have a stovetop 
crawfish boil every Saturday at home. 
My first job was in a bakery in my home- 
town. Unbelievable. I was ten years old. 


66 1 started by washing pots and pans. 


"Fhen I started baking with the old bak- 
ers at night. I watched them make 
breads, sweet breads, Portuguese pas- 
tries, custards, cornmeal breads. 
PLAYBOY: Your father worked in a textile 
plant, and it was expected that most of 
the kids in your neighborhood would 
work there, too. Is that how you thought. 
you would end up? 

LAGASSE: No way. My dad always told me 
that I had to go and make something of 
myself. I saw the lives of the people іп 
those plants. That's not what I wanted to 
do. That's not what I considered fun. 
PLAYBOY. Did you have any sense that 
you could make a living as а cook? 
LAGASSE: Not really. There were no fine- 
dining restaurants in my hometown. I 
thought I might do something with mu- 
sic, which I loved and studied. I could 
have gonc in that direction. I had a 
scholarship to a music college but chose 
instead to pay to go to cooking school. 
PLAYBOY: How did you decide? 

LAGASSE: Music is inside me; when I 
cook, music is constantly going through 
my body and my brain. But cooking was 
more seductive to me because of the way 
you can play with people's senses. My 
parents were crushed when I told them I 
was choosing cooking over music. My 
mom cried and was upset for the first 
couple of years. She just couldn't under- 
stand how I could make a choice like 
that. I had a free ticket to the New Eng- 
land Conservatory of Music. I had al- 
ready done two summer camps at the 
conservatory. Plus I had made a lot of 
money as a child playing music. I was in 
bands: the Saint Anthony Band, which 
was an orchestra, a Portuguese band that 
played orchestra music; and a sympho- 
ny. I played percussion for one of the 
original backup bands with Aerosmith 
when Aerosmith was just coming up. My 
forte was the drums. But I got some- 
thing else from cooking. I think there 
are a lot of similarities between them. 
Music is also about giving people a won- 
derful pleasure; it makes people happy. 
But food is more pure. It taps a lot more 
sensations. There is a more direct re- 
sponse. I never got a royalty check or an 
award for selling a million pieces of ba- 
nana cream pie, but І have had a lot of 
experiences making people happy. 
PLAYBOY: Hov did you train to be a chef? 
LAGASSE: I started with my mom's Por- 
tuguese cooking, with a little influence 
from my dad's French Canadian back- 
ground. Then I got interested in the 
classics and began a formal education in 
them. I paid my way through cooking 
school. Then I got firsthand experience 
in restaurants. 1 went to New York City 
to cook but had trouble there because I 
was American. Americans weren't sup- 
posed to know anything about food; all 
we supposedly knew was about ham- 
burgers and cheeseburgers and maca- 
roni and cheese. At the time, in the mid- 
Seventies, the good New York kitchens 


were run by French and German and 
Swiss cooks. It was difficult to get a job. 
So I went to France to work in kitchens 
there. 

PLAYBOY: In some of the great French 
restaurants? 

LAGASSE: In some great ones and some 
not-so-great ones. I definitely got an ed- 
ucation. I was beat up and pushed 
around and shoved and made to do all 
the grunt work. But that was OK. That 
was part of it. I didn't speak the lan- 
guage. Didn't make any money. In a lot 
of the fine-dining restaurants the dish- 
washers were Portuguese; they were the 
inexpensive labor. So I had to cross that 
road also. "Oh, you're just a Portugee? 
You're lucky to be shucking oysters. You 
should be washing pots." Fine, I'll wash 
pots. I just sucked in every piece of 
knowledge I could. Meanwhile I atc a 
lot of employee meals. I had to eat a lot 
of mystery meat and nasty cheese and 
drink a lot of watered wine. 

PLAYBOY: When you returned to Ameri- 
ca, what was your first significant job? 
LAGASSE: I went to work for a small hotel 
company, Dunphy Hotels. I did a stint 
for them and а httle bit at the Parker 
House. I worked with a man who be- 
came a mentor, a German chef named 
Andreas Soltner. Dunphy ended up buy- 
ing a hotel that later became one of the 
original Four Seasons Hotels. I went 
there as a sous-chef. He became the di- 
rector of food and beverage, and I end- 
ed up taking over the chefs job. Next I 
did a restaurant for another hotel. For a 
while I worked for Wolfgang Puck. 
PLAYBOY: What's your assessment of his 
cooking? 

LAGASSE: Wolfgang is one of the most tal- 
ented chefs there is. He is also a nice 
man. This was a new project in New 
York City; I was part of the team. Wolf 
was very hard on me when 1 worked for 
him. He didn't know me. I was no one. 
He was a perfectionist and very talented. 
But he worked me hard. We're great 
friends today. But the big change came 
when I was working and consulting in 
Cape Cod. The famous New Orleans 
Brennan family, whose restaurant is 
Commander's Palace, vacationed there. 
I met them. When Paul Prudhomme was 
leaving Commander's Palace to start his 
own restaurant, K-Paul's, I was asked to 
come in. That was 1982. It was like going 
to another university, Brennan Universi- 
ty. They were one of the older families 
running one of the most important insti- 
tutions in New Orleans. 

PLAYBOY: But you were an Easterner! 
LAGASSE: You'd be surprised at the rela- 
tionship of the foods 1 ate when I was 
growing up and Acadian and Creole 
cooking. I was also a student of food in 
general, open to learning and experi- 
menting. At first there was some distrust, 
1 imagine, but soon I was an adopted son 
and a damn serious опе, too. These were 
some big shoes I was filling. At the same 


x TASTES EXACTLY LIKE * 


THER WHISKEY. 


PLAYBOY 


time, I was a young 26. I came in with 
guns drawn. I lost a lot of people real 
quick because I was young, but I wasn't 
stupid. I wasn't going to put up with any 
nonsense. I wasn't going to put up with 
mediocrity. I began right out of the gate 
setting standards: No, we weren't going 
to use canned this. We weren't going to 
use frozen that. We were going to cook 
from scratch. I brought in a young sous- 
chef from France. When І was at Com- 
mander’s Palace, it was truly one of the 
greatest restaurants in America. Even 
PLAYBOY said so. Then I finally got my 
own restaurant. 

PLAYBOY: Did you learn Louisiana cook- 
ing on the job? 

LAGASSE: I did. I loved every one of those 
traditions and just added my own thing 
to them. Fusion is what made me what I 
am now. These were exciting cuisines, 
defined by local ingredients. The river 
influenced the Creoles, who lived and 
cooked in the city. The lands, bayous and 
sea influenced the Acadian or Cajun cui- 
sine. These people hunt and fish and 
forage, live off the land. New Orleans, a 
large port city, also got ingredients from 
around the world, and they filtered into 
the cuisine. So I was very happy here. I 
fell in love with the people, first of all. I 
fell in love with the elements of what 
New Orleans stands for. I close my eyes 
and feel as if I have never been out of 
New Orleans. And then there was the 
food. It excited me to see people excited 
about food; it's why I decided to cook 
as a profession. And there’s the music, 
which is in the air in this city along with 
the food. I also love the architecture and 
the whole feel and spirit of New Orleans. 
It's my whole feel and spirit. I love to live. 
I live to eat. I don't eat to live. I love the 
soul, the soil, the sea, the bayou, the 
trees. Like I said, I often close my eyes 
and feel like І have never not been in 
New Orleans. 

PLAYBOY: Was Emeril's an instant success? 
LAGASSE: It was. It was a big risk, because 
I built the restaurant in a part of town 
that wasn't yet redeveloped. But it did 
well and got lots of attention and we 
were turning people away every night. It 
led to the other restaurants. With the 
new one in Orlando, that's five. 

PLAYBOY: What led to Emeril Live? 
LAGASSE: I got approached and decided 
to try it. I wanted to be able to influence 
people, especially young people. That’s 
God's honest truth. I knew TV could 
reach people I never would reach other- 
wise. I started and did a basic cooking 
show. Cooking isn’t rocket science; 
you're basically dumping all the shit into 
a bowl. You don't need a doctorate. But I 
wanted to make it fun. 1 didn't like the 
boring thing: take a quarter cup of this 
and an eighth cup of whatever. Do most 
people cook like that? Do they go home 
after a hard day's work and use a recipe 
at the stove and put in the cup of flour? 


68 Give me a break. For the most part, peo- 


ple are throwing together a decent meal, 
adding a bit of this, a bit of that. Maybe 
there is something to throw in that's left 
over from last night. So instead of anoth- 
er dreary show, I wanted to do some- 
thing fun. Fun should equate to deli- 
cious. It doesn't have to be difficult. 
PLAYBOY: Your first show was How to Boil 
Water. Are there secrets you can impart? 
LAGASSE: That one didn't last because 
there really weren't any. The president 
of the Food Network called and said, 
“Emeril, I've got good news and bad 
news. The bad news is that we think 
you're a little overqualified for How to 
Boil Water. The good news is we think 
you've got some television ability and 
you're a heck of a cook. We want to try 
something else.” Eventually, it was The 
Essence of Emeril. My schedule was in- 
sane. I worked 90, 100 hours a week at 
the restaurant. I would leave the restau- 
rant on Saturday night at three or four 
in the morning, sleep for an hour or two, 
pack and blaze up to New York City on 
Sunday. Га hit La Guardia and go right 
tothe studio and shoot five shows. Then 
on Monday I'd shoot seven. Tuesday I'd 
do seven more. Then I'd get back on the 
airplane on Wednesday so I could get 
back on the line and cook at the restau- 
rant. I drank а hell ofa lot of espresso. I 
was bored out of my mind. There was no 
audience. Everybody in the studio was in 
what I call Houston: behind glass in the 
control room and behind cameras. Га 
be ready to fall asleep, so I started the 
“bam” thing to wake everybody up. I 
grabbed a pinch of spice, elevating the 
level of spice in the dish, which trans- 
formed into “kicking it up a notch.” 
Those things became my signatures. But 
the real talent—and what keeps it fun 
for me—is the people. Cooking shows on 
TV don't generally have a studio audi- 
ence, which is why we changed to Emeril 
Live with an audience. That's when the 
magic came. 

PLAYBOY: There have been some criti- 
cisms of Emeril Live—that you don't take 
food seriously enough, that’s it's too саг- 
toony. How do you respond? 

LAGASSE: І don't hear those things any- 
more. I did at first, but who cares? Who 
said that food should be serious? Food 
should be fun. Who made these critics 
gods of the culinary world? 

PLAYBOY: Did Emeril Live lead to your job 
as food correspondent for Good Morning 
America? 

LAGASSE: І was asked to do itand needed 
that job like a hole in the head. But what 
stoked me was the opportunity to reach 
even more people. I'm not the resident 
chef on the show but a “food correspon- 
dent.” That means I can impart my 
knowledge beyond just a chicken dish of 
the week. It is a real opportunity to edu- 
cate people about food. I have done seg- 
ments on everything from buying eggs 
to cooking with oils. People take this stuff 
for granted, but there's a lot to learn. 


PLAYBOY: What is there to learn about oil, 
for instance? 
LAGASSE: In a supermarket, you see an 
aisle of oils. How do you know which one 
to use? Which one should you fry with? 
Which should you use for salads? There 
are a dozen types of olive oil alone. I'm 
doing a piece about that. 
PLAYBOY: Well? Is olive oil best? 
LAGASSE: It completely depends on what 
you're cooking. If you use extra virgin 
olive oil in some salad dressings, you can 
overpower your salad. You have to be 
careful to balance. In a light dressing I 
might use vegetable oil or peanut oil 
Nut oils bring great flavors, but they're 
more perishable than other oils. 
PLAYBOY: How about eggs? What's so 
complicated about buying them? 
LAGASSE: The main thing is what we 
don't do. We're all guilty of this: We go 
into the supermarket, find the eggs and 
look around to see if anybody is watch- 
ing. We pick up a carton and open it and 
play with the eggs to see if they're bro- 
ken. We think that if the eggs are totally 
intact it's a great carton of eggs. 
PLAYBOY: It's not? 
LAGASSE: Not necessarily. Nine out often 
people never look at the expiration date 
on the carton. When they buy milk, they 
check, but not with eggs. It's simple but 
people don't know to do it. 
PLAYBOY: Do you prefer eggs from farm- 
ers or from a store? 
LAGASSE: The fresher the better, but you 
have to be careful about the eggs from 
farmers. They may have been sitting in 
the sun all day at the roadside stand. 
There seem to be more and more re- 
ports of problems from bacteria like 
Е. coli. Recently Costco recalled all those 
burgers. You have to be careful 
PLAYBOY: What else should you watch 
for? 
LAGASSE: If you buy a car at a not-too-re- 
liable dealership, you'll probably end up 
getting a bad car. If you buy eggs from a 
person you don’t know, you are in jeop- 
ardy. At least meat is controlled. It has to 
be graded. There aren't the same restric- 
tions on fish. But with anything, you 
could get pretty sick if you don't know 
what you are buying and whom you are 
buying it from. 
PLAYBOY: Is your advice to buy from local 
butchers and produce markets instead of 
the big chains? Is smaller better? 
LAGASSE: Not necessarily. You need to 
have a good butcher or fishmonger. If 
you shop at smaller places, you'll proba- 
bly be able to establish relationships with 
the people who are serving you, which 
means a lot. At farmers’ markets, which 
are great places to get produce, you 
come to know the people you're buying 
from. I don't really blame the beef prob- 
lem on Costco. They had to rely on 
someone to make that purchase. But the 
closer you are to the source of your food, 
the more accountable people are and the 
(continued on page 151) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He knows some girls just want to have fun. Forget the champagne and caviar—pool goes better 
with beer. More than 5 million PLAYBOY men are beer drinkers, more than can be found among 
the readers of Rolling Stone, Men's Health, GQ or Esquire. One in six regular pool players reads 
PLAYBOY. Why? Because PLAYBOY is the world’s best-selling entertainment magazine for 
men—and a pool girl's best friend. PLAYBOY—bank on it. (Source: Spring 1998 MRI.) 


70 


ТНЕ 
NAKED 
AND THE 
DEAD 


in its heyday, 
scores was new 
york's classiest 

strip joint, the 
hot hangout for 
demi, madonna, 

dennis and, no 
surprise, the mob 


T DIDNT MATTER that I was lying in my own 

blood, sweat and tears in a hospital bed. Nor 

did it matter that I was several hours re- 

moved from spinal surgery at New York Hos- 

pital—courtesy ofan old football injury—and 

well into my umpteenth morphine-induced 
dream. All that mattered to my editors at the New 
York Daily News was that there had been a possi- 
ble double homicide at Scores, the country's pre- 
miere strip club and the place I had made my 
home for the previous four years. When it came 
to Scores, I had an angle on everything—even 
murder. The phone call shook me awake, but not 
enough to grab the phone on the first ring. It's al- 
ways like that when drugs are swimming through 
your blood—you need another ring or two to ac- 
cept the duty of answering 

“Hello?” 

“Benza? Good, you're out of surgery. Richie 
Rosen here. Listen, two employees were shot at 
Scores. One guy is dead, the other ain't gonna 
make it. He's in ICU at your hospital right now. 
You feel up to reporting this one out?” 

“Richie, I don't need a byline tomorrow. I 
need more morphine.” 

“We really need you on this.” 

“ГІ make some calls in a few hours,” I said, 


PAINTING BY PAT ANDREA 


squeezing my morphine button and 
beginning the cold fadeaway. “Richie, 
there's one more death you can add to 
this story.” 

“Who's that?” 

“Scores. It's done. I don't think it can 
survive this.” 

The motionless bodies of waiter Jon 
Segal and bouncer Mike Greco lying in 
Scores’ gaudy foyer were merely the 
club's blood and guts on display for the 
entire city to see. What was to come was 
the slow and painful hemorrhaging of 
a club that was nothing if not the fastest 
and most riotous ride the city had ev- 
er taken. 

The gunshots that echoed through- 
out the glass and marble foyer an- 
nounced the end of an era at the close 
of a century within a city to which I 
owned a set of keys. I never did get 
around to making those calls. I stayed 
comfortably numb. And I dreamed 
dreams of what used to be. 


It didn’t matter what your poison 
was, you could get it at Scores and the 
supply seemed endless. You want a 
couple of Cohibas and a nice single 
malt to take with your Bolivian stash? 
Want to bang out a muldoon? That's a 
stolen credit card, and drunken suits 
are famous for leaving them behind be- 
fore they drive back to the Jersey sub- 
urbs. Well, you're in luck. One of the 
waiters glommed an Amex off some 
poor bastard just last night and he's 
There was no place quite moving more for a nickel a pop. 
like Scores. But behind. Want to get a peek at Madonna? It 
the spectacle was а dark- just so happens she's in the President's 
er side, involving Mob Club, Scores’ own VIP room, with Tu- 

pac Shakur and his homies. Want to see 
who Dennis Rodman is fucking? She's 
the killer blonde on the stage. Want to 
ularity faded, its stel- Gites amt veien te mmis 
i eR Rn c billionaire was bringing to family func- 
lar clientele quickly dis: tions? She's the towering Italian who 
appeared and, by the end used to work as Julia Roberts’ body 
of last year, Scores filed d double. Need a blow job? Come back 
for bankruptcy protection. Mn E around 3:45. That's when Daisy drops 
{ Р her primo ecstasy and probably won't 
say no. Just don't count on getting 

to work on time in the morning. 
Want a dose of publicity? A break 
from reality? An escape from your 
wife? Wanta pretty girl to listen? Just 
pay your $20 at the door and slip Hel- 
ter Skelter a fifty and he'll put your ass 

in the right seat. 

Scores strung together what was ar- 
guably the best lineup of beautiful 
women in the country along with the 
richest men in the world. Why else 
would Texas honeys leave the Cabaret 
Royale, or Florida’s cuties cut out of 
Pure Platinum or Atlanta’s Southern 
belles bolt the Cheetah Lounge? They 
did, neatly packing their Frederick's 

(continued on page 138) 


ties, shakedowns and 
even murder, Amid harsh 


headlines, the club's pop- 


"He's asked me to unbutton him many times." 


73 


74 


let's take a time-out for the fabulous sideline sirens 


MIT тт, you wish TV networks would show more strutting cheerleaders and fewer tense-coach-on-the-sideline 
shots. A lot more. You're not alone. The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders sell more posters than some NFL teams do. As Bon- 
nie-Jill Laflin can tell you, becoming an NFL cheerleader is a singular feat. Bonnie-Jill is the Deion Sanders of the sidelines, 
the only woman to lead cheers for both Dallas and San Francisco. “It wasa thrill to be a Cowboys Cheerleader, but I cherish 
the Super Bowl rings I got with the 49ers in 1994 and 1995,” she says. Bonnie-Jill is the unofficial captain of her cheer unit, 
but she's not the only one with a Super Bowl ring. Carla McFarlan got one from the 1997-1998 Broncos, and you can see it 
if you stop by the health club in Colorado where Carla is athletic director. Vaneeda Trukowski is а former Hooters girl and 
Hawaiian Tropic model who became a Tampa Bay Bucs cheerleader. Want more? Go ahead and turn the page and cheer 


BONNIE-JILL LAFLIN 


On the field ot Son Francisco, Bonnie-Jill Loflin (right) strutted her stuff for the 
49ers os о star of the San Froncisca Gold Rush. A descendant of the Apache 
leader Geronimo, Bonnie-Jill—alsa seen in the inset—is the only woman to be 
о member of both the Gold Rush and the Dallos Cawbays cheerleading squads. 


LISA MARIE 


Who puts a charge into 
Seahawks games? Lisa 
Marie (right), а communi- 
cations major in college іп 
Washington. Lisa appears 
delicate, but look out be- 
low—she’s a kickboxer. 


KELL! HUCKINS 


Lucky San Diego—here's 
a prime Chargers cheer- 
er. Kelli Huckins (below), 
who keeps fit playing vol- 
leyball and roller-skating, 


has the moves to make 
Chargers fans sit upright. 


PAMELA WELLHAM 


"Life is a blast,” says the cheerfully positive Pamela Wellham (above and inset), who likes nothing better than provoking an Atlanta Fal- 
cons blawout. “I'm an only child who was spoiled rotten," she tells us without the slightest hint of remorse or guile, "ond | still like to be 
spoiled.” It daesrí! take a high-pcid sports statistician to figure there are plenty of football fans who would definitely be glad to oblige her. 77 


78 


CARRIE SWOBODA 


Denver Broncos cheerleader Carrie Swoboda (above) isn't just in the fast-paced 
end calarful pam-pam business. She has a lat on the ball aff the field. This 
spritely maver and shaker is a proud graduate af the University af Colorado. 
She has her sights an o madeling career and ane day running her own business. 


VANEEDA TRUKOWSKI 


“I've been o cheerleader since | wos 11," says Tampa Bay Bucs 
hearthrob Voneeda Trukowski (above and left inset), who still 


thinks young. “I love my Barbie doll collection and the color pink.” 


RACHEL KERR 


The Seahawks come first for Seatile’s Rachel Kerr (below), how- 
ever she's not c one-team woman. “NFL football with beer, pizza 
and my guy friends—now that's my idea of heaven,” Rachel says 


CARLA MCFARLAN 


Broncos cheerleoder Corlo McFarlon (left 
and left inset) went on the injured reserve list 
during Denver's Super Bowl season. “1 really 
fore up my knee,” says Соно, “but now I'm 
back ot work, and I'm as good os ever.” 


LEAH-MARIE DURYEA 


When “yeo” is part of your nome, cheerleod- 
ing would seem downright inevitoble. Ook- 
land Roiderette Leah-Morie Duryea (right) 
olso loves wolking her dog, Flex, and doing 
cerobics. “Anything for health,” she tells us. 


THE HOLY TERROR 


pat robertson's prayers 
have all been answered! 


Suppose Pat Robertson is right. About everything: Bill 
Clinton із a sex-crazed, lying, drug-dealing mass mur- 
Чегет. Darwin was wrong. Secular public schools and 
palm readers are satanic. Disney World and all of 
greater Orlando are doomed for allowing “gay days.” 
Homosexual behavior isn't just a sin: It’s “the last step 
in the decline of Gentile civili 
here. He could be right. The Starr investigation has 


ion.” The end days аге 


painted our nation’s capital as Sodom and Gomorrah. In these dark days of terrorist bombings, nuclear proliferation, eth- 
nic slaughter and Oval Office blow jobs, when the presidential seal has become a splotch of dry semen on a dress from 
the Gap, that dim light on the western horizon may just herald the approach of divine wrath and earthly doom. Ignore 
the signs at your peril. Pat has been warning us for years, hasn't he? And there have always been signs. for those willing 
to see, that Robertson and God are, well, tight. Without a doubt, the man has prospered. He took over a broken-down, 
debt 'ginia 39 years ago and built it into an international broadcasting network. 
Robertson's venture into politics led to the creation іп 1989 of the Christian Coalition, which has become the most for- 
midable voice of the religious right. For a decade he has told us that America is going to hell in a hurry, and now, with X- 
rated impeachment hearings in the news, his day is at hand. He clearly has something going for hi 


in Portsmouth, 


. Robertson knows 


exactly what that something is. Suppose, as he does. that God, the All-Knowing and Never-Ending Supreme Arbiter, Cre- 


ator, Ruler, Fashioner and Art 


icer of the Universe, has been steering the Christian Broadcasting Network and has per- 


sonally anointed avuncular Marion Gordon “Pat” Robertson to spread God's word. Then we're cooked. You and I. As- 


suming, that is, that my writing for and your reading this hedonistic magazine means we're not members of The 700 Club 
or born-again Christians in that heightened. touched-b; 
my fallen state I con: 


the-spirit sense Pat preaches. I myself am not, and even here in 


ler it my duty to warn those of 
you who are to promptly stop reading this. Cooked! 
Consider things from Pat's perspective: The world is in 
its last days, Washington, D.C. reels with tales of lust. 
Great natural upheavals regularly rock the planet. such 
as volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, hurricanes, torna- 
does and the storms of El Niño. Social welfare indexes 
(the ones Robertson reads, anyway) are off the charts: 
violent crime, sexual promiscuity, abortion, divorce, 
spousal abuse. child abuse. drug use. religious persecu- 
tion. “We are іп a period of crisis,” Robertson says, of- 
ten. He is charged with sounding the warning and herd- 
ing as many faithful as possible to the safe shores of 
charismatic Christianity. Speaking in tongues, healing 
by the laying-on of hands. having direct conversations 
with God and believing in the commonplace occurrence 
of miracles are among the tenets and practices that sep- 
arate charismatic or Pentecostal Christians from other 
Fundamentalists, though all believe that every word in 
the Bible is literally true. Mainstream Catholics and 


by mark bowden 


84 


as 


eal 


how pat robertson turned water into wine 


Іп little more than seven 
years, Pat Robertson and his 
son Tim turned $183,000 in- 
to more than $200 million. It 
was not a miracle. 

By the late Eighties, 
Robertson had a not-for- 
profit, tax-exempt gold mine 
оп his hands. The Family 
Channel, started up in 1977. 
was a cable station owned by 
the Christian Broadcasting 
Network, which Robertson 
founded in 1960. In effect, 
CBN isa church that reach- 
es its flock through the air- 
waves. Its flagship program, 
The 700 Club, is a religious 
talk show hosted by Robert- 
son that has an estimated 1.5 
million viewers in the U.S. 
In response to Robertson's 
constant appeals for money, 
those viewers have con- 
tributed hundreds of mil- 
lions of dollars over the 
years, just as if they were 
putting money into a church 
collection basket. 

The Family Channel was a 
huge success for CBN, and 
its growing viewership fu- 
eled ad and licensing rev- 
enues. By 1989, Family 
Channel revenues ap- 
proached $100 million a 
year, which in turn threat- 
ened CBN's tax-exempt 
status. 

Robertson devised a plan 
that not only protected 
CBN’s wealth from the tax- 
man (and eventually in- 
creased that wealth) but also 
started him and his son on 
the road to their $200 mil- 
lion. With Tele-Communica- 
tions Inc. as an 18 percent 
minority partner, Robertson 


created a shell corporation 
called International Family 
Entertainment in order to 
buy the Family Channel 
from CBN. Robertson and 
his son paid $150,000 for 
4.5 million shares of IFE 
stock, at 3.3 cents a share, 
which gave them a control- 
ling voting interest. They al- 
so set up a management іп- 
centive plan that allowed the 
Robertsons to pay about 
$33,000 for an additional 1.5 
million shares. Іп other 
words, they invested 
$183,000 and owned 6 mil- 
lion shares in IFE, 

ТЕЕ performed well. By 
1992 it was time for the 
next step. The Robertsons 
took IFE public at $15 a 
share, and their $183,000 
investment turned into 
$90 million. 

In June 1997 Fox Kids 
Worldwide, a venture half- 
owned by Rupert Murdoch's 
News Corp., bought IFE at 
$35 a share in a $1.9 billion 
deal. The Robertsons earned 
more than $200 million from 
the sale of their shares. 
CBN, still a mightily pros- 
perous not-for-profit enter- 
prise, also cashed in by sell- 
ing the more than 3.8 
ion shares of IFE stock it 
received when it sold the 
Family Channel to IFE. 
Those shares brought CBN 
$136.1 million. 

Meanwhile, contributions 
from the faithful, usually in 
small sums, flow in at a rate 
of about $150 million a year. 

As Ben Franklin said, 

God helps them that help 


themselves. — MARK DURAN 


Protestant denominations long ago 
stopped insisting that the world was 
created in seven days and that all living 
things on earth (save Noah and those 
оп his ark) were destroyed by flood 
some 4000 years аро. bowing to over- 
whelming evidence to the contrary. 
These are the best-known archaic be- 
liefs still embraced by Fundamentalists. 

Robertson’s God is more concerned 
with justice than with mercy. This 
God's anger is a terrible thing, and his 
vengeance is at hand. It will start with 
war in the Middle East, which will sud. 
denly halve the amount of crude oil 
available on world markets. 

“Power goes out in the big cities 
Robertson explained to his CBN staff 
on New Year's Day 1980. “You don't 
get to drive your automobiles. Facto- 
ries are closed down and people are 
out of work. There is an awful lot of 
dislocation. They're going to be starv- 
ing. There are going to be breadlines. 
There are going to be riots. People are 
going to go crazy.” Things will rapidly 
grow worse and worse, weirder and 
weirder, until finally, as Robertson 
paraphrases the prophet Zephaniah: 
^I will utterly consume all things from 
off the land. І will consume man and 
beast. And 1 will cut off man from the 
earth. For the day of the Lord is at 
hand. And I will bring distress upon 
men that they shall walk like blind 
men, because they have sinned against 
the Lord, and their blood shall be 
poured out as dust.” 

You get the picture. We're the blind 
men. But were in good company. Ac- 
cording to the creed embraced by Rob- 
ertson, not only will atheists and ag- 
nostics be with us but also unreborn 
Catholics, Confucians, Methodists, 
Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Muslims, 
Buddhists, Hindus, Jehovah's Wit- 
nesses, Rastafarians, Mormons, etc. If 
Robertson is right about all this, and 
God does in fact speak with him reg- 
ularly, we owe the man tremendous 
gratitude. Throughout his adult life, 
he has worked hard to spare us from 
hellfire. He's still at it on The 700 Club, 
his popular daily TV show. He's charm- 
ing, persuasive, dressed in an oversize 
conservative-cut suit with a knot on his 
tie half the size of his face. He’s a lit- 
tle goofy in an endearing way, with 
big ears and an elfin smile. He inyites 
us nicely, sofily, to pray with him, and 
when he bows his head and closes his 
eyes, his broad, fleshy forehead closes 
down over them like a fist. This is seri- 
ous business. But he's no pulpit-banger. 
Robertson, on the surface, is a softie. 
He's nothing if not accessible. He has a 
way of chuckling warmly while speak- 
ing, as ifto say, "We're all sensible peo- 
ple and what I’m saying is of course 

(continued on page 154) 


“Who is to say they didn’t do it that way?” 


86 


datin 
isastera 


And How To Avoid Them 


the unlikely creator of the movie 20 dates reveals how he 
became a master of romance, and how you can, too! 


article by myles berkowitz 


orothy Parker once said, “Hol- 
D s piace where you 

can die of encouragement.” 
Well, no one ever encouraged me. For 
me, it was all failure. Failed actor, failed 
writer, failed waiter. Studio executives 
would call to reject scripts of mine that 
they hadn't even read. Their assistants 
called to reject scripts I didn't even 
write. The biggest Hollywood produc- 
ers would call me over to their tables 
to reject the wrong appetizers 1 had 
brought them and to demand a differ- 
ent waiter. 

Things were bad for me in Tinsel- 
town. There were plenty of mornings 1 
couldn't even get out of bed. I call that 
period in my life the Nineties. 

But at least women loved me. They 
really dug my broke-and-angry rou- 
tine. I can't tell you how many times 
over the past few years Гуе found my- 
self in a trendy Hollywood nightclub 
with a beautiful starlet clinging to my 
arm, screaming over the music to her 
equally hot girlfriend: “He's a writer. 
He has no career and no money and 
he can't do anything to help me. He 


can't even help himself. Now keep your 
hands off him! He's mine.” 

Actually, there was one woman who 
liked me, but then she quickly divorced 
me. Apparently my lack of success in 
Hollywood was as much an aphrodisiac 
for the Missus as it was for me. Yet even 
a failed, miserable bastard like me is 
entitled to one great idea in his life. My 
one idea happened to be so brilliant 
that most of my friends were convinced 
1 had stolen it from somebody. І 
hadn't. I simply combined my two big- 
gest failures—my personal life and my 
professional life. 

І decided to go out on 20 dates to 
find a girlfriend. The other part of my 
idea was even better—I hired a small 
camera crew to film those dates. Some 
of the women knew I was filming them. 
Some didn't. We'll get to the lawsuits 
later. 

Тһе important thing is that I went 
out on the 20 dates. I finished the 
movie; a major motion picture studio 
bought it and is going to release it 
around Valentine's Day. My movie is 
called 20 Dates. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


But vait. It gets even better. It seems 
that after going out on 20 dates, I actu- 
ally learned how to date. As a matter of. 
fact, I learned the only secret about 
dating that апу man vill ever need to 
know. 

Before I made this movie, the only 
part of dating I seemed to have any ex- 
pertise in was getting over yet another 
woman who'd dumped my pitiful ass: 
three days alone, one case of tequi- 
la and Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks 
played 37 times in a row. 

Maybe if I had remembered how bad 
1 was at dating, and with women in 
general, I wouldn't have rushed into 
this project. But I had a secret fantasy 
of becoming successful in Hollywood 
and then rubbing it in the faces of my 
ex-wife and every other she-demon 
who had ever pulled my heart out of. 
my chest and bit into it, laughing as my 
blood dripped out of the sides of her 
mouth while I lay on the floor in front 
of her screaming in agony. It was a sim- 
ple fantasy, but inspiring nonetheless. 

I pretty much rushed into this proj- 
ect without (continued on page 149) 


“. © 


who сап read your e-mail? 


(1) the addressee 
(2) your boss 

(3) your worst enemy 
(4) all of the above 


LETS say you have just fin- 

ished a sensitive letter—one 

detailing company secrets or 

one giving the blow-by-blow ac- 

count of an illicit romance, for ex- 

ample. And you're about to send it off 

by e-mail. A troubling thought occurs 

to you: Can someone eavesdrop on this 
e-mail? 

Of course they can. 

Ask Oliver North, who conducted 
much of Iran-contra via e-mail, no 
doubt patting himself on the back for 
not writing anything down on paper 
but unaware that White House e-mail 
traffic is archived electronically for 
years. Or ask Monica Lewinsky, who 
deleted e-mail from both her Pentagon 
mail account and her home computer 
pertaining to her affair with the presi- 
dent. She was unaware that there were 
backups on her work account, but she 
also didn’t know that the standard 
Windows and Macintosh “delete file” 
functions leave the data intact. (They 
can be easily recovered with any of a 
number of commercial or public-do- 
main disk utilities.) 

But Ollie and Monica were using se- 
cret government computers. It's differ- 
ent when you're just using your office 
network, right? Absolutely. Because 
the North and Lewinsky investigations 
were instigated after long and costly 
bureaucratic processes. At your office 
your bosses don't have to fill out any 
forms. Almost every major U.S. corpo- 
ration now has e-mail policies that al- 
low it to monitor employees’ electron- 
ic files. They can rifle through your 
electronic ın box just for the fun of it 
or to protect the company’s secrets or 
to defend themselves from potential 
lawsuits. Maybe the joke about the 
stripper, the elephant and the individ- 
ual of a specified ethnic heritage is fun- 
ny to you, but a judge may decide the 
punch line contributes toa hostile work- 
place environment and award an of- 
fended employee the marketing de- 
partment's budget for the next three 
years (concluded on page 154) 


article by Andy б. Ihnatko 


ILLUSTRATION BY GUY BILLOUT 


GEO 
GO 


КЕЕ н, 
LD 


PLAYBOY'S GUIDE TO THE WORLD'S BEST PREMIUM VODKAS 


DRINK BY JDHN RAME 


ONSIDERING that “no taste, no 
smell,” was the pitch used to 
sell “white whiskey” to a na- 
tion of bourbon drinkers, it's a 
wonder the spirit ever caught 
on. But the flavorlessness of 
vodka made it the perfect 
mixer for orange, tomato and clam juice, as well as for 
tonic, ginger beer and bouillon. In Straight Up or on 
the Rocks, a cultural history of American drink, William 
Grimes cites the theory that vodka found a home on Hol- 
lywood soundstages because it allowed stars “to drink оп 
the set and still elude the sharp eyes (and nostrils) of stu- 
dio spies.” Once scorned, “wodka” or “water of life” (as 
the Poles originally referred to it) has become the best-sell- 
ing spirit in the world. Furthermore, premium brands 
such as Stolichnaya Gold and Grey Goose have attained 
the status of single malt scotches. Almost no one orders 
just a vodka martini or vodka on the rocks. Drinkers must 
specify Ketel One, Tanqueray Sterling or one of several 
dozen other call vodkas on the market. These new spirits 
are distinguished from “white whiskey” by production fac- 
tors, including the raw materials from which the vodkas 
are made (cereals, molasses, potatoes, water), the number 
of distillations and whether the final filtration process is 
through charcoal, granite or even diamond dust. Every 
vodka manufacturer has its formula for perfection, and 
the differences among brands are often subtle. 


FROM ABSOLUT TO ZUBROWKA 


Most American drinkers prefer Western-style vodkas 
produced in the States E Scandinavia, usually from 
wheat. Absolut from Sweden is a winner. It's dry and clean 
with a hint of what professional tasters call *needle"—a 
tingling sensation that occurs when alcohol "dances" on 
your tongue. Sundsvall, a Swedish spirit, is perhaps the 


sweetest of the Western-style vodkas, with a distinct aroma 
and a lingering taste. Ketel One from Holland is strong, 
with plenty of needle to remind you of the alcohol. 

Rain is a pure, quadruple-distilled American vodka 
made from organically grown grain and Kentucky lime- 
stone water. Each bottle lists the grain's harvest date, and 
the final filtration is through diamond dust. Some tasters 
detect a hint of lemon in this exceptionally clean spirit. 

Grey Goose is French with little needle or aroma and а 
hint of citrus. The British gin distiller Tanqueray also pro- 
duces Tanqueray Sterling—the gentlest 80 proof vodka 
we've ever sipped. Finlandia (from Finland, of course) is 
nippy, with a little bite to accompany a strong aroma. Fris, 
from Denmark, is decidedly softer, with a slight aftertaste 
of anise. Skyy from San Francisco is the least peppery. It's 
smooth with minimal needle and a warm, rich aftertaste. 

For something different, try Italian vodka. Mezzaluna's 
marketing pitch has a little cartoon character, Julius Mez- 
zaluna, pouring freshly distilled alcohol into a pitcher of 
lemon juice at a party. Mezzaluna is slick and distinctive, 
as is the tall, asymmetrical bottle it comes in. 

The Russians have come a long way from the days when 
they filtered their vodkas through river sand. Stolichnaya 
Gold is rich and smooth, and along with the grain taste 
comes a powerful tingle. The Poles have always made 
their vodka from rye (a stronger grain than wheat, and 
one that leaves more flavor in the distillate) and from bar- 
ley malt and potatoes. Wyborowa is the Jim Beam of 
Krakow, a sweet rye vodka that’s easy to drink and a de- 
served favorite. The new bottling is Chopin. It's a potato 
vodka, made in small batches. Chopin is smooth but 
fierce, not unlike the composer's music. You may want to 
drink it in the snow to see if it's as warming as it seems. 
Luksusowa, an 80 proof Polish vodka made from pota- 
toes, is sweet, with surprisingly little bite (though it’s 40 
percent alcohol). This is also—(concluded on page 169) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 151. 


m 


rt 


“I realize that money can't buy love. I was hoping to 
lease with an option to buy.” 


HOLLYWOOD'S NEW CASH MACHINE CREDITS HIS OWN DUMB LUCK 


nce known as Cajun Man 
and Opera Man on Saturday 
Night Live, Adam Sandler 
left SNL four years ago for 
Hollywood. His first starring film, Bil- 
ly Madison, became a cult hit. All- 
night Sandlerfests replayed his two 
X-rated albums. Were his records pro- 
fane? Scatological? No. They were 
fucking dirty, and both went platinum. 
His star rose higher in 1995 when his 
goofy golf comedy, Happy Gilmore, 
shot on a $12 million budget, earned 
$40 million. Another film, Bulletproof, 
became number опе at the box office. 
The Wedding Singer, co-starring Drew 
Barrymore, earned $80 million. In 
1998 he released a third album, 
What’s Your Name? Last November, 
The Waterboy opened with an astound- 
ing $39 million weekend. We sent 
freelancer Kevin Cook to talk with 
filmdom’s newest cash cowboy. 

1 : We heard you were hired 
for SNL when you humped a chair. 
Lorne Michaels saw you satisfy the 
office chair (continued on page 165) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANDREW ECCLES 


84 


"M warning уо! 
| Fuson as she sits down to 
a mozzarella salad and a 
plate of pot stickers in a 
Sunset Boulevard restau- 
rant, “I eat a lot.” But, 
then, she needs the nourish- 
ment. Ever since moving to Los 
Angeles from Tacoma, Wash- 
ington two years ago, Stacy has 
been on the go—modeling, 
doing shows for Ocean Pacific 
swimwear, traveling the world, 
taking acting classes, appearing 
in a music video and on a cou- 
ple of episodes of Baywatch, call- 
ing her mother every night and 
occasionally checking in with 
her boyfriend, who, inconve- 
niently, lives in France. 


Aveteran model at the age of 


20 (she started appearing in 
beauty contests when she was 
four), Stacy is enjoying her 
whirlwind life and focusing on 
an acting career. Of course, she 


miss february 
has a career that’s about to explode 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


finds time to play, too. “You 
should tell your readers,” she 
announces midbite, “that I love 
my bird.” 

О: Your bird? 

A: My cockatiel, Pretty Bird. 
I love her. She's so smart. She 
can pick up her claw and wave 
at you. She's tame, but to get a 
bird to be that tame, you have 
to spend a lot of time with it. 

Q: So how do you spend 
quality time with a cockatiel? 

A: I take her into the shower 
with me. She sits on the shower 
ledge, and 1 splash water on 
her. She shakes her wings and 
acts like she’s taking a bath. 

Q: How did a girl from Taco- 
ma end up in Los Angeles? 

A: I'd always wanted to move 
to LA. After I graduated from 
high school, I just got up one 
morning and said, “Mom, I'm 
leaving for LA in a couple of 
weeks.” I felt I had to do it. I 


96 


“There's nothing wrong with showing your body,” says Stocy. “In Fronce, they have 
nude TV commerciols. But here, everybody makes such а big deol out of it.” A day on 
the town in Seottle, Tacomo's bigger neighbor, includes (right) two handfuls of fresh 
seafood for our voracious Ploymate, then a hug from Sonics forward Stephen Howard. 


came here when I was 18, and soon after 
that I was on the cover of the October 
1997 PLAYBOY. 

Q: Sounds easy. 

А: Itwas strange. І had donca Playmate 
test shoot, and they asked me to stand in 
for another model for a lighting test. I did 
that, and then they had a meeting and 
asked, “Do you want to work tomorrow?” 
I said, “Sure, what will I be doing?” They 
said, “Well, we're going to put you on the 
October cover.” I was shocked. 

Ө: Had you ever thought about posing 
for PLAYBOY? 

A: It had crossed my mind. My fresh- 
man year in high school, I got a Rabbit 
Head decal. I've thought about being in 
the magazine ever since. [Laughs] That 
sticker is still on my bedroom door. 

Q: Were you popular in high school? 

А: I was an ordinary girl, I guess. Most- 
ly, I wanted to hang out with my older 
brother, who would help me any time I 
had a problem. Sometimes I had crushes 
on his friends, but they thought of me as 
just Doug’s little sister. 

Q: What are they going to think of 
Doug's little sister now? 

A: They'll probably be surprised. One 
of my brother's friends used to make fun 
of my boobs, saying I should wear Band- 
Aids on them. Before high school, 1 didn't 
have much there. But then started to fill 
out, and one day he was like, “Wow, what 
happened to you?” So now 1 rub it in: 
“Didn't you make fun of me because 1 
didn't have anything there?” 

Q: Do you miss Washington? 

A: I miss fishing. My family would go 
fishing where the Columbia River flows in- 
to the ocean. Everybody would go: my mom 
and dad, grandma and grandpa, aunt and 
uncle. I loved it. If I ever have enough 
money, I’m going to buy a boat and take 
my family fishing—to that same spot. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: y) 


rs; E, МАІЅТ: DUS HIPS:. 35 
HEIGHT: 5 9% кент. 120165 . E 


BIRTH DATE: 2-08 menera: Ta coma, Washington 
mea То he. „happy, ale: [ш 


PLACES I'VE BEEN LATELY: 


WORDS TO LIVE BY: 


Model ETE 
age Ma. 


My h a 


m? in 


High school 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Why did you marry your husband?” asked 
the neighborhood gossip. “You don't seem to 
have too much in common.” 

“It was the old story of opposites attract- 
ing each other,” the woman explained. “I was 


pregnant and he wasn't. 


Ben & Jerry's new presidential flavors: 
Scandalberry 
‘Tubby Bubba 
Subpoena Colada 
Impeach-o-Mint 


ж» 
% 


Y 


à 
{ 
) 


А геропег went way up into the hills of West 
Virginia to research an article about the area. 
He met an old man in a small town and asked 
him about memorable events in his life. “Well, 
one time my favorite sheep got lost,” the old 
man said, “so me and my neighbors got some 
moonshine and went looking for it. We finally 
found the sheep. Then we drank the moon- 
shine and wound up screwing the sheep. It 
was a lotof fun!” 

The reporter knew he couldn't write an arti- 
cle about that, so he asked the old man to tell 
him another story. “Well, one time my neigh- 
bor's wife got lost,” he said, “so me and all the 
village men got some moonshine and went out 
looking for her. We finally found her. Then we 
drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now, 
that was a lot of fun!” 

The frustrated reporter told the old man 
that he couldn't write articles about those sto- 
ries and asked him if he had any sad memories 
he could talk about. 

“The old man paused, then said, “Well, one 
time I got lost. . . .” 


Graffiti seen outside a magic shop: “All those 
who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.” 


Р. vnoy cuassic; Bob's greatest achievement 
was his brood of six children. In fact, he was 
so proud of himself that he started calling his 
wife “Mother of Six,” despite her continual 
objections. 

One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it 
was time to go home and shouted across the 
room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” 

His irritated wife hollered back, “Any time 
you're ready, Father of Four.” 


Roger lived by himself on a remote stretch 
of beach. One day as he was riding his horse 
along the shore he saw a beautiful woman 
painting a canvas. He rode up and down in 
front of her, but she didn't react to him. “I'll 
paint my horse yellow,” he decided, “and then 
she'll notice me. She'll say, ‘Oh, I see you have 
a yellow horse.’ And ГЇЇ get talking to her and 
then I'll invite her back to my cabin for lunch 
and we'll have a bottle of wine, and then Tl 
open another bottle and we'll talk some more, 
and then it'll start to get cold so I'll light a fire, 
and we'll be sitting close in front of it. Soon 
we'll gently touch, then kiss, then make beauti- 
ful love all night. Yeah, that’s what I'll do.” 
The next ty he painted his horse yellow 


and went in search of the woman. As he ap- 
proached she looked up and said, “I see you 


have a yellow hor: 


“Yeah,” Roger said. “Wanna fuck?” 


Graffiti spotied in а Dallas men's room: “Ех- 


press lanc—five beers or less.” 


While proudly showing offhis new apartment 
to friends, the man led the way into the den. 
“What's that big brass gong for?” onc of his 
guests asked. 

“That's the talking clock,” the man replicd. 

“How does it work?” 

“Watch,” the man said, giving it an car-shat- 
tering pound with a hammer. 

Suddenly someone on the other side of the 
den wall screamed, “Knock it off, asshole! It’s 
two AM" 


а. 


This MONTH'S Most FREQUENT SUBMISSION: What 
happens when you give an attorney Viagra? 
He gets taller. 


Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn 
right 45 degrees for noise abatement.” 

“Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we're at 
35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up 
here: 

“Sir,” the radar man replied, “have you ev- 
er heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits 
а 7472" 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


EOS Ein. Ф | 
FAMOUS ARTISTS 
MODELING AGENCY | 


| 


SEA ! 
— Please Be Seated — — y 


OFFICE 


108 


THE GREAT 
— WALT 
OF CHINA 


ettrich was always 
surrounded by beautiful women, 
and so many of them! it was as if he 
had a special deal to attract 


them. maybe he did 
FICTION DU JONATHAN CARROLL 


think this is a simple story to tell, but 
knowing Vincent Ettrich, it will proba- 
bly end up complicated. Sometimes it 
seemed everything about him was com- 
plicated, often for no reason at all. 

‘This happened when he was alive, a long time 
ago. I knew him when he lived in Europe, when 
he was a successful man. He had things then, he 
wore cashmere socks. People spoke well of him; 
his family was proud. He was at the height of his 
success then, a couple of years before he got sick. 

I wasn’t in Europe long, but we met almost as 
soon as I arrived because we worked for the same 
company and were in the same division. From 
the start I liked him very much and went out of 
my way to be with him whenever the opportuni- 
ty arose. He was a businessman, but he had the 
kind of presence that would have made him a 
good politician or actor. Not only did Vincent 
speak well, he also said things you remembered: 
one of those charismatic people who can hold a 
room whenever they want, making others sit for- 
ward unconsciously in their chairs just to hear 
better and not miss a thing. 

Perhaps that's one of the reasons why, whenev- 
er we traveled together, beautiful women met 
him at airports. Not always his wife, though she 
was lovely too. 

"There were so many. Once, a small English 
woman with Audrey Hepburn eyes lifted a mani- 
cured hand and waved merrily at us as we came 
through the gate in Heathrow. Once, a dark and 
dramatic-looking Peruvian was there, but only 
because she was So angry at something Vincent 
had done that she wanted to hit him. By the time 
her limo had reached our hotel, however, the 
two of them were laughing and exchanging se- 
cret looks. (continued on page 116) 


ILLUSTRATION BY J. FREDERICK SMITH 


10 


ЕНІ: 
THIN 
RE 

LINE 


n the summer and fall of 1962, 

PLAYBOY published James Jones’ 

powerful story of men at war, 

The Thin Red Line. Jones’ novel 

continued his chronicle of Amer- 

ican troops in the Pacific that be- 
gan with From Here to Eternity, a book 
that brilliantly retold the days lead- 
ing up to World War 11. The Thin Red 
Line has endured, and today, nearly 40 
years later, it is considered a classic. In 
fact, The Thin Red Line is the story that 
has coaxed one of Hollywood's most 
revered but reclusive directors, Ter- 
rence Malick, out of a 20-year hiatus. 
When The Thin Red Line first appeared 
in PLAYBOY, in August, September and 
October 1962, the story of a group of 
American soldiers involved in the 
bloody battle to claim Guadalcanal 


THE OTHER THING WHICH CAUGHT STEIN'S АТ- 
TENTION WAS SOMETHING WHICH CAUGHT THE 
CORNER QRHIS EYE IN THE GLASSES AS HE LAY 
LOOKING AT TELLA“AND WONDERING WHAT 
TO DO», . „A FIGURE EMERGED FROM THE GRASS 
ON THE®RIGHT-HAND RIDGE PLODDING REAR- 
% 22/2 THE FLAT AND BEGAN TO 
MOU b dies SLOPE OF THE FOLD. 
SES ON HIM, STEIN SAW 


neha 
THAT IT WA dimus NICCRON, THAT 


M NG ue I Asl 2 AND THAT HE 


V FROM EYE 


| Eu AS-IE<HE 


WERE WEARING THESHATINBIING-MAKEUP OF 
A тала о SOME. GREPK DRAMA 
AND ON-HEICH BLE BEHIND HIM J APA- 
NESE MGS AND SMALL ARMS OPENED UP ALL 
ACROS DGE, М (N@*DIRT PUFFS ALL 


AROUND HIM. STILL HE CAME ON, SHOUL- 
DERS HUNCHED, FACE TWISTED, WRINGING 


The text above is a selection 
from PLAYpoY's original publica- 
tion of “The Thin Red Line,” 
which we printed in three in- 
stallments in 1962. When Ter- 
rence Malick decided to make 
the movie, a platoon of eelebri- 
ties signed on, including (oppo- 
site, top, left to right) Adrien 
Brody as Fife, Will Wallace as 
Hoke, Woody Harrelson as 
Keck, Dash Mihok as Doll and 
Sean Penn as Welsh. Upper 
right: John Travolta as Quin- 
tard. Center: Nick Nolte as Tall. 
Overleaf: A casualty of war. 


ILLUSTRATION BY HERB DAVIDSON 


112 


from the Japanese (a battle in which 
Jones himself fought and was wound- 
ed) was viewed as bracing proof that 
the writer had rebounded from a dis- 
appointing second novel, Some Came 
Running. It reaffirmed his position as a 
voice as profanely eloquent as any oth- 
er to emerge in the mid-20th century. 
“The Thin Red Line moves so intense- 
ly and inexorably that it almost seems 
like the war it is describing,” wrote Max- 
well Geismar in The New York Times. If 
anyone can do justice to Jones’ words, 
it would be someone like Malick, one 
of the screen's true visionaries. The 
Rhodes scholar, former journalist and 
philosophy professor has made only 
two prior films: 1973's Badlands, an 
unsettlingly poetic depiction of two 
teenagers on a murder spree, and the 
unbearably gorgeous and disquieting 
1978 epic Days of Heaven. After those 
movies, Malick became a recluse; scat- 
tered reports had him traveling the 
world, studying Buddhism and living 
in Austin, Texas. But a pair of movie 
producers got him interested in The 
Thin Red Line. After he wrote a script 
and received the blessing of Jones’ wid- 
ow. Gloria Jones. he agreed to direct 
his first film in two decades. Actors 
clamored to work with him; the cast in- 
cludes Woody Harrelson, Sean Penn, 
John Travolta, George Clooney, Nick 
Nolte and John Cusack. 

So here is The Thin Red Line, then 
and now: the words that Jones wrote, 
and the images that Malick has drawn 
from those words. “We take pride in 
launching the first published portion 
of this important work,” we wrote in 
Playbill back when the first installment 
ran. Understandably, we feel intensely 
connected to The Thin Red Line’s newest 
incarnation — STEVE POND 


HIS HANDS, LOOKING MORE LIKE АМ OLD 
WOMAN АТ А WAKE THAN AN INFANTRY COM- 
BAT SOLDIER, NEITHER QUICKENING HIS PACE 
NOR DODGING. ІМ A KIND OF INCREDULOUS 
FURY STEIN WATCHED HIM, FROZEN TO THE 
GLASSES. NOTHING TOUCHED HIM. WHEN HE 
REACHED THE TOP OF THE FOLD, HE SAT DOWN 
BESIDE Н15 CAPTAIN, STILL WRINGING HIS 
HANDS AND WEEPING. 

“DEAD,” HE SAID. “ALL DEAD, CAP'N. 
EVERY ONE. I’M THE ONLY ONE. ALL 12. 
TWELVE YOUNG MEN. I LOOKED AFTER THEM. 
TAUGHT THEM EVERYTHING I KNEW. HELPED 
THEM. ІТ DIDN'T MEAN A THING. DEAD.” 

OBVIOUSLY, HE WAS TALKING ONLY OF HIS 
OWN 12-MAN SQUAD, ALL OF WHOM STEIN 
KNEW COULD NOT BE DEAD. 

FROM BELOW, BECAUSE HE WAS STILL SIT- 
TING UP IN THE OPEN BESIDE HIS PRONE CAP- 
TAIN, SOMEONE SEIZED HIM BY THE ANKLE 
AND HAULED HIM BODILY BELOW THE CREST. 
To CORPORAL FIFE, WHO HAD SEEN THE VOM- 
ITING SICO GO AND WHO NOW LAY LOOKING 
UP АТ MCCRON WITH HIS OWN FEAR-START- 
ING EYES, THERE WAS SOME LOOK NOT EXACT- 
LY SLY ABOUT HIS FACE BUT WHICH APPEARED 
TO SAY THAT WHILE WHAT HE WAS TELLING 
WAS THE TRUTH, IT WAS NOT ALL THE TRUTH, 
AND WHICH MADE FIFE BELIEVE THAT LIKE 
SICO, MCCRON HAD FOUND HIS OWN REA- 
SONABLE EXCUSE. ІТ DID NOT MAKE FIFE AN- 
GRY. ON THE CONTRARY, IT MADE HIM ENVI- 
OUS AND HE YEARNED TO FIND SOME SUCH 
MECHANISM WHICH HE (concluded on page 164) 


Z, < 
SS К 
<= E 


y WT 


about to be swallowed whole!” 


“You are 


LAS REPORT: JEANS 


OUR RIVETING REVIEW OF THE BEST AMD TIGHTEST 
Omes A TIME in a guy's life when his girlfriend will slide 

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only when they don’t fit. And these days there is no ex- 

сизе for buying jeans that don't look perfect on you. To save you the 

trouble, road tested dozens of pairs—from ball-busters to over- 

size baggies. First, we judged them on color, gauge of denim, pock- 

et stitching and, most important, fit. Next, we knocked them 
around a bit before we gave them to our model to play with. Then 
we took them back. (Sorry, darling.) These (concluded on page 144) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


WHERE A HOWTO BLY ON PAGE 151 


HOLLIS 
LEVE 


Î STRAIGHT LEG, POLO JEANS СО. 
©) VINTAGE STYLE, LUCKY BRAND DUNGAREES. 
© DARK DENIM, A/X ARMANI EXCHANGE 
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(Б STONEWASHED, CK CALVIN KLEIN JEANS 
ZU) DARK BASIC, DIESEL 

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STYLING EY KATHY KALAFUT FOR 
PARRELLA MANAGEMENT. 


HAIR а MAKEUP BY FRANCOIS ILNSEHER. 


PLAYBOY 


116 


GREAT WALT OF CHINA 


(continued from page 108) 

They always seemed to be there for 
Ettrich—women and their secret looks. 
Some took us back to their cities in 
dark expensive cars that played quiet 


jazz. Other times the three of us got in- 


to battered, exhausted taxis—Ladas, 
once-yellow Fiats—and rode cramped 
together toward new lights. By then 
Vincent was usually talking fast with 
them, trying to catch up and make 
plans at the same time. 

1 have never known a man who ap- 
preciated women more. He was con- 
vinced he had been one іп a past life 
because they did things he not only un- 
derstood but usually knew were com- 
ing long before they happened. One 
said to me over dinner, “Vincent scares 
me sometimes. He even understands 
why you hate him.” When I asked why 
she hated him, she stared blankly at me 
a moment, then said, "Isn't it obvious?” 

115 easy to hate someone who knows 
our secrets, most especially when we 
don't know theirs and never will. 
“That's not to say Vincent Ettrich was a 
secretive man. If you asked him a ques- 
tion he would answer it. More than 
once 1 heard him say the most painful 
or embarrassing things about himself 
without any hesitation. Perhaps that's 
what made others nervous and con- 
vinced he was not telling the truth: No 
one answers certain questions fully, 
particularly not when it's too close for 
comfort. 

One more snapshot of him, and in 
many ways it is the most important. It 
was late spring and 1 had been staying 
at the Ungelt Hotel in Prague. The 
morning І checked out, 1 strolled onto 
the hotel's beautiful terrace to have 
one last look around before leaving to 
the airport. It was early for lunch, but 
since it was such a great day, all the ta- 
bles were full. I took a slow deep breath 
and sighed, feeling the deliciously bit- 
ter mixture of elation and sadness that 
comes when, alone in a foreign city, 
you see something marvelous and wish 
you had someone to share it with. The 
trees were in full bloom, sunlight cas- 
cading through their new leaves. Wom- 
en at the tables wore summery clothes 
that showed off their beautiful arms 
and, more than that, skin everywhere. 
Skin that had spent so many months 
hibernating beneath heavy sweaters, 
leather coats, gloves. 

As usual I felt alone but happy look- 
ing at faces and hearing, like pleasant 
distant music, snatches of conversa- 
tions here and there. At the last mo- 
ment, as I was about to turn and go 
back inside, I saw Vincent Ettrich and a 
woman sitting at one of the tables. 1 
would be lying if I said she was special. 


She was beyond doubt pretty. Long 
black hair she kept brushing back with 
a dismissive flick, wide, thin shoulders. 
One thing I do remember was how 
she laughed. It was a big thing—deep 
and loud, absolutely uninhibited. In 
fact, when she laughed, it was so brassy 
that people at adjoining tables stopped 
their conversations and looked over. 
But Vincent and the woman were too 
engrossed in each other to notice. 

What struck me most was how their 
tableau looked like an advertisement in 
a glossy magazine for expensive per- 
fume or jewelry. The good-looking 
man in an clegant dark suit, his large 
strong hands playing with the woman's 
black sunglasses as he listens to her. His 
expression is amused and mischievous. 
He knows this woman intimately and 
thinks she's terrific. She's leaning in 
toward him across the glowing white 
tablecloth. She brushes her hair back 
one moment, touches his hand the 
next. She can’t stop talking; she has to 
tell him everything. 

Years later, when I visited him in the 
hospital and told him this impression, 
he scowled and said, “She wasn’t smart 
enough. If the women in those ads 
were real, they'd have to be gorgeous 
and smart. Part of the reason you want 
to hang around with someone is to 
hear what she thinks. Waltraud talked 
only about herself. Not an endlessly in- 
teresting subject, believe me.” 

Waltraud Pissecker. If life made 
sense, the woman I saw across the ter- 
race that April day would not have had 
that name. When Vincent told it to me 
the first time, I couldn't suppress а 
smile. He smiled too. 

“Some name, huh? That’s why I 
called her Walt. She didn't mind. Actu- 
ally, she thought it was cute. As long 
as you were paying attention to her, 
you could have called her Mud. Walt's 
worldview stopped with Ptolemy. On- 
ly it wasn't the earth that was the сеп- 
ter of her universe, it was Waltraud 
Pissecker.” 

1 sat in the chair next to his bed and 
looked at my folded hands. What I had 
to say next was difficult but necessary 
He needed to be reminded. “But she 
was what you wanted.” 

He turned his head slowly and 
looked at me. “Yes, what 1 thought 1 
wanted. Do you remember that night 
we first saw her?” 

“At Langan's in London.” 

He smiled and looked at the ceiling. 
“Yup. I even remember what you and I 
were eating: bangers and mash. I al- 
ways loved the name of that dish— 
sounds obscene and sporty at the same 
time. I was just about to puta forkful of 
mashed potatoes in my mouth when 
she walked across the room.” 

“And you groaned, Jeeceesus."” 


“That's right. It was the combination 
of that great, thick mane of black hair 
and her plum-colored dress. Whenev- 
er we got together after that, I asked 
her to wear it. Once she met me ata 
Chinese restaurant we liked. When she 
came in wearing that dress, I stood up, 
holding up my glass, and toasted her 
with, "Io the Great Walt of China!” 
Vincent stopped and was silent a long 
few moments. “She didn't get the joke, 
didn't know who 1 was toasting. She 
looked at me like 1 was crazy. Asked 
what I was talking about.” 

“That must have been . . . disheart- 
ening. But what was it about her that 
made you” 

“Say yes to the deal? You can't imag- 
ine how many times I have asked my- 
self that question. Don't you know?” 

Offended, I touched a palm to my 
chest and stared at him. “Me? Why 
would I know, Vincent? You're the опе 
who chose.” My voice rose a little too 
much at the end of the sentence. 

He tried to lock his fingers behind 
his head, but the pain must have been 
too great. Grimacing, he lowered his 
arms carefully to his sides. “She wasn't 
even that great looking, though you've 
got to admit there was something to 
her, something overwhelming. 1 don't 
know what. Anyway. who cares? What 
difference does it make now?” 

None. It made no difference because 
Vincent was dying by then and his 
doctors held out no hope. Even worse, 
he was alone. No one came to see him 
but те. 

1 came as soon as | heard the sad 
news. The first day I walked into his 
hospital room, he looked at me as if I 
had just returned from Venus. We had 
been out of touch for years, and in this 
day and age. who comes running when 
they hear an old friend is sick? Not 
many people, but I am one of them. It 
isn't part of my job, but I like to com- 
plete circles, tie up loose ends, close the 
door when I am leaving the house. 

When Waltraud Pissecker had 
passed by our table that fateful evening 
in London, years before, Vincent put 
his fork down and groaned quietly. It 
sounded something like a French bull- 
dog snoring. I looked at him, looked 
away, looked again. I asked what was 
the matter because he even looked like 
a French bulldog, with the bulging eyes 
that make that breed of dog look like 
it's in a permanent state of alarm. 

He asked if I had seen the woman 
and I said yes. He said he wanted to 
have her child. I laughed and asked if 
it wasn't supposed to be the other way 
around. He said, “Whatever,” and rose 
a bit from his chair to see if he could 
catch another glimpse of her. 

Now remember, I had been with 

(continued on page 162) 


“I don't mind your getup, Masked Man, but must you keep 
humming the William Tell Overture?” 


117 


118 


THE aW@-INSPIRING, EIR-GROBBING, 
DOUBLE-BECKPLIP WORLD OF 
SNOWBVSRDING’S 2001267 SUBCULTURE 


BY CHARLES PLUEDDeMan 


EEN FROM a chairlift, the halfpipe looks like a 
colony apart from the slopes, an encamp- 
ment ofthe Hey Dude tribe dedicated to the 
pursuit of aerobatic hang time. Riders Пу 
* down a monster-sized ditch carved into the 
snow, soaring up the sides and into the air, attempting tricks 
that would put mere mortals in traction. The stereotype is 
that the halfpipe is Slackerville, populated by goateed and 
pierced Mountain Dew drinkers who sleep in dope-smoky 
vans in Pizza Hut parking lots. The truth is that you'll find 
some of the best riders on the mountain in the pipe. Pierced 
maybe, but they are clean and lucid. Shredhead lingo— 
please don't say “bitchin, dude"—and army surplus pants 
with duct tape accents are passé. Ross Powers, 20-year-old 
Olympic bronze medalist at Nagano, now counts Polo Sport 
among his sponsors. How radical is that? “Тһе perception is 
of a hard-core clique, but you'll find a diverse group of 
snowboarders at the half 
pipe today,” says Kurt 
Hoy, a rider for 13 years 
and an editor at Snow- 
board Life magazine. “To 
many boarders, master- 
ing the halfpipe is part 
of being a good all-round 
rider, as important as 
carving groomed runs 
and floating in the pow- 
der.” According to Hoy, 
the biggest lure of the 


they're created with special groomers such as the Pipe 
Dragon and the Bombardier Half-Pipe Grinder, which are 
mounted on Sno-Cats and produce a pipe uniform in 
shape, top to bottom. The process can take several days, 
according to halfpipe designer Pat Malendoski of 
Planet Design and Consulting. “A good halfpipe is аз 
smooth as a swing,” he says, “You should flow through a 
nice arc from side to side. While every pipe is a little differ- 
ent, specifications have been created for competitions. An 
Olympic-caliber pipe has an inclination of about 18.5 de- 
grees, is 110 meters (361 feet) long, 15 meters (49 feet) wide 
and five meters (16 feet) high, with the last foot of the walla 
near-vertical 85 degrees. To put that into perspective, pic- 
ture a football field with a trough carved down the middle 
that’s as deep as a single-story building. Trick Bag: This is 
what the pipe is all about—radical maneuvers, big air and 
hang time in a league with Michzel Jordan. Most halfpipe 
tricks and their names 
come from skateboard- 
ing. Frontside describes a 
maneuver that begins on 
~ the toe edge of the board, 
while backside is one that 
starts on the heel edge. 
A grab involves reaching 
down and grasping the 
board. Skaters do this 
to keep the board close 
to their feet. For snow- 
boarders, it’s strictly a 


halfpipe is “that feeling of 
weightlessness as you go 
vertical at high speeds.” 
But the experience is 
also about camaraderie, 
about urging your buds 
through the long and 
sometimes painful pro- 


1m =3.28 ft 


Looks eosy enough on poper: The Internotionol Ski Federotion's 
diogrom of o competition holfpipe. Unlike the romps skateboord- 
ers ond in-line skoters use to perform oeriol tricks, the snow vari- 
ety is like o custom-corved ski run. Riders “drop іп” ot the top and 
then fly from side to side (ond high into the oir) down o ditch thot 
is os long os o footboll field ond as deep as a one-story building. 


style thing, as the board is 
attached to their boots. 
Two basic airborne moves 
are the method grab and 
the indy. To perform the 
former, riders bring the 
board up behind them 
while bending their 


cess of learning a new 

move. Rookie riders are 

almost universally welcomed. If you're ready to give it a try, 
or just want to get dialed to the scene, here's a short guide 
to pipe culture. Halfpipe History: Legend has it that the 
first snowboard halfpipe was actually a natural gully discov- 
ered by a group of riders in the early Eighties near Califor- 
nia's Tahoe City dump. Tom Sims, a snowboard pioneer. 
and skateboard pro, constructed the first groomed *half- 
pipe ravine" in 1983 at Soda Springs, California for a world 
championship event. From that point on, downhill, alpine- 
style snowboard racing was considered snoozeville com- 
pared to the freestyle tricks and maneuvers bei 
formed in the pipe. So the subculture grew. Dig 
halfpipes were roughed out with backhoes and Sno-Cat 
tractors and hand-packed by crews with shovels. Today, 


knees, arching their back 

and grabbing the heel 
edge of the board. An indy is a grab of the toe-side edge 
with your trailing hand on your backside wall. Spins are de- 
scribed by the number of degrees of rotation, from 360 to 
720 and beyond. Fakie is simply riding backward, or tail 
first. So when Canadian pro Michael Michalchuck lands his 
signature “frontside double-backflip method grab to fakie,” 
he's going up the wall on his toe edge and high into the air, 
flipping backward once while grabbing his heel edge, Пір- 
ping again and then landing on his heel edge going tail 
first. Piece of cake. Number Crunching: Most pipe riders 
are between the ages of 16 and 23. There are about 200 re- 
sorts in the U.S. with at least one halfpipe. Pros can squeeze 
six to nine hits (runs to the lip of a pipe) into a single pass. 
High-flying pro Terje Haakonsen (concluded on page 144) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY SHEM ROOSE 


НЕКРРІР2 


The Motley Fool 


РЕБЕ 


200 


wall street's court jesters on patience, risk and 
the difference between warren and jimmy buffett 


B rothers David and Tom Gardner 

wanted to loosen what they perceived 
as Wall Street's grip on investment infor- 
mation. Their principal tool: the Internet, 
where investors can share advice and com- 
pare strategies. 

The Gardners, both English majors and 
fiercely proud that they hold degrees in nei- 
ther business nor finance, have dubbed their 
outfit the Motley Fool, after the colorfully 
garbed court jester. 

The brothers—who claim to have “grown 
up with common stocks” and began invest- 
ing family money in their teenage years— 
started “Ye Olde Printed Fool,” an invest- 
ment newsletter in 1993. It sputtered, but a 
year later the Gardners offered free copies 
over the Internet. The reactions that they en- 
countered proved more interesting than the 
hard copy, and their online forum was born. 

The Motley Fool advises beginners to in- 
west “money you don't need” in index funds 
and large, well-known companies for the 
long term. As investors grow more interested 
and sophisticated, they might wish to try a 
shorter term, higher pressure, higher risk 
way of investing. 

The Motley Fool docs not manage in- 
vestors' money, though the Gardners run 
several portfolios in public view. The orga- 
nization—originally built around a cadre of 
volunteers—has attained something of a 
cult status among online investors. But the 
Gardners' ambition has been to build a me- 
dia company around their online offerings. 
They now oversee 120 employees, host a 
weekly radio show, sell software and even of- 
fer a line of merchandise with their jester lo- 
go, called Foolmart. They've also written 
several best-sellers, beginning in 1996 with 
“The Motley Fool Investment Guide.” Sub- 
sequent books have taken aim at credit card 
debt, state lotteries and casino gambling, all 
of which the Cardners perceive as bad deals 
for consumers. 

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacher 
journeyed to Alexandria, Virginia to meet 
wilh the Gardners at Fool headquarters. “1 
didn't expect to find pinstripes and button- 


down collars, but the game room, cots for 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY OAVIO ROSE 


employees who write on the night shift and 
the foolscaps came as a surprise,” Kalbacker 
recalls. “The Gardners spoke for several 
hours іп a conference room and had pizza 
delivered for lunch. One of their mantras is 
‘invest in what you know,’ and they've ad- 
vised investors to ‘look in your refrigerators’ 
when considering a food company's stock. 

Sure enough, when the pizza arrived, the 
talk turned to the outlook for that particular 
chain as well as the taste of the pepperoni.” 


1 


PLAYBOY: You quote Shakespeare and 
tout your backgrounds as English ma- 
jors. But aren't you the latest in a long 
line of opportunists seeking to get rich 
from investments instead of pursuing 
rigorous scholarship in literature, sci- 
ence and the classics? 

DAVID: Who doesn't want to profit from 
investments? We try to work literature 
and science and the arts into our writ- 
ing. That's some of our appeal. I'm 
reading a book about mercantilism in 
the Renaissance and I included a pas- 
sage in my portfolio report about the 
book trade and how it joined cultural 
innovation with business opportunity. 
That's exactly what's happening in our 
society—look at Amazon.com. 

TOM: There are a lot of businesses that. 
should have English majors writing 
their business plans, because then peo- 
ple could read them. I taught linguis- 
tics and English at the University of. 
Montana and then taught summer 
classes on the stock market and how to 
get started in investing. I had a lot of 
fun teaching. 1 didn't have training 
that would have put me on a tenure 
track. The University of Montana is not 
as rigidly structured as some of our 
Northeastern liberal arts schools. 


2 


PLAYBOY: What's with the bell-bedecked 
caps and the funny name? 
pavip: We saw one too many Super 


Bowl ads where guys in flashy suits 
claimed they were “wisc” and told peo- 
ple: “Invest your money with us.” We 
decided if they were wise, we were go- 
ing to be fools. The fool was the fellow 
who could give advice to the king with- 
out having his head lopped off. We try 
to instruct and amuse. We love Shake- 
speare. We pulled our name from act 
2, scene 7 of As You Like It. It’s the great- 
est fool scene in Shakespeare. 

том: We had a good head start. We had 
family money and a father who didn't 
bore us to death. When we were kids, 
we'd go to the supermarket with him 
and he would say, “Look, kids. There’s 
chocolate pudding over there. We own 
stock in that company. Let's pick up 
some boxes of chocolate pudding.” 


3 


PLAYBOY: You failed in your effort to 
get a stock market newsletter off the 
ground. Did you price subscriptions 
too low? 

DAVID: We should have charged about 
$10,000 a year for that newsletter. We 
would have had to sell three copies. 
What separates us from most of the 
other people quoted in the financial 
press is that they’re managing other 
people's money. We don't actually man- 
age anybody's money. We have no as- 
pirations to do so. 

том: We didn't intend to start a busi- 
ness. We were publishing that news- 
letter for friends and family. A lot of 
people who subscribe to financial news- 
letters know there's no great value to 
them, but there's some allure to the tip, 
the secret source. People pay for the 
dream. The Fool subverts the idea that 
you have to be an expert. Financial ad- 
vertisements on TV promote this giant 
disconnect between daily life and per- 
sonal finance. People can do this them- 
selves. Poking fun at Wall Street is 
great fun for us, but we can provide 
guidelines for a secure approach to 
investing. 


121 


PLAYROY 


4 


PLAYBOY: The Motley Fool has been 
credited with moving a stock price af- 
ter a mention in your online forum. 
Isn't that heady stuff for a couple of 
guys who insist they invest for the 
long term? 

Том: It’s such a shame. Some organiza- 
tions promote the idea that they move 
the markets. It happens for us in the 
smaller companies we invest in, but 
we don't want people to duplicate the 
portfolios we manage. We're trying to 
defeat the herd mentality—unless the 
herd has done its research. A lot of the 
focus in the financial world is: What 
can I make today? If a broker has 200 
clients and he can send a trade through 
all 200 accounts, he can make a sub- 
stantial amount of money in just a day, 
Others see great opportunities to sell 
their advice through books, newsletters 
and faxes. If someone has a great mar- 
keting pitch and shows extraordinary 
performance over a short period of 
time, and implies that this can be du- 
Plicated, he gets a lot of attention. 
DAVID: It's pretty much a one-day phe- 
nomenon. We'll announce that we're 
buying something the next day. That's 
radical. Wall Street always loads up 
ahead of time and then announces a 
strong buy in the stock. But because 
we're long-term investors, that one day 
is insignificant to us. It catches head- 
lines, but it's of no importance because 
we're going to be holding the stock for 
three years or longer. 


5 


PLAYBOY: Do stock symbols dance in the 
Gardners heads? 

блу: I know about 150 out of 9000. 1 
check 20 stocks a day on the computer. 
That may sound hypocritical, because 
we say you don't have to check stocks at 
all. We encourage people not to sit and 
watch the ticker symbols go by, or re- 
act to every zig and zag of the stock 
market. The nightly news and movies 
such as Mall Street show guys running 
around the exchange floors. It looks 
like high-energy action, but it's a tre- 
mendous waste of time. 

TOM: You know more symbols, Dave. 
You have the 30 Dow stocks plus the 
top 150 S&P. I know a few hundred. 
Му favorite is DJT, Donald |. Trump. 1 
never watch the ticker. The message we 
send out is to be in control of your 
money and know how you're doing rel- 
ative to the market. 


6 


PLAYBOY: You made the cover of Fortune 
a while back. Doesn't that represent the 
guru status you claim to hold in such 
low esteem? 


том: It was fun. You're not going to re- 
sist Fortune when it wants to put you on. 
the cover. But as we were doing the 
photo shoot we became cognizant of 
what was going on. The guy who put 
the article together was telling us to 
look nervous and anxious: “Remem- 
ber, the market's moving right now! 
Things are happening!” We told him 
that’s not our approach to the market. 
That story is not one of my favorite For- 
tune pieces. 

DAVID; It was a good cover. How many 
financial magazines show guys in crazy 
hats hanging from a Wall Street lamp- 
post? We don’t want anybody to de- 
scribe us as experts. We put on fools- 
caps every time we speak in public to 
remind people to be skeptical of what 
we say—and also because we're funnier 
when we have them on. 


7 


PLAYBOY: Where will we find the Gard- 
ner brothers when the next stock mar- 
ket crash occurs? 

Davip: We'll be at the Bayou Pub, a 
block from here, with our laptops, 
signed on to the Internet. People react 
in different ways. There will be pan- 
icky newer investors who can't believe 
the market crashed a week after they 
bought their first stocks. And there will 
be old-timers who have been through it 
numerous times. Unless we're about 72 
years old and planning to pull a lot of 
our money out of the market the next 
day to live on, we won't be that trou- 
bled. We're the first to say, “Let the 
market crash 30 percent tomorrow.” 
Crashes matter only to people who 
need money, and we speak to people 
who invest money they don't need. 
That's the core of our message. 

том: Warren Buffett says that when the 
market crashes, it just means all the 
stocks are on sale. A lot of people refer 
to the Bayou as our employee lounge. 
We've talked stocks with motorcycle 
gang members we've met there. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Warren Buffett and Jimmy 
Buffett: Explain the differences, 

DAVID: Warren and Jimmy are cousins. 
Most of the world knows Jimmy Buf- 
feit. He has a lovely, relaxing and lyri- 
cal sound to his music. Most people 
don't know Warren, who is a lot rich- 
er than Jimmy. He got that way by be- 
ing patient. Warren's approach goes 
against what the average person would 
expect from a rich investor. You would 
think he made his money quickly, and 
that maybe there is something fishy 
about how he got it. But Warren took 
his time. No big secret. No hot tips. He 
wasn't buying some unheard-of tech- 
nology company that the rest of us 


could never figure out. He bought Co- 
ca-Cola, and at various points he's had 
one third of his net worth in the stock. 
TOM: Warren has a lovely, lyrical ap- 
proach to the market. He's shy com- 
pared with the sharp, well-dressed wise 
man in those brokerage advertise- 
ments who is going to take care of ev- 
erything for you. And you have War- 
ren, who also owns a minor league 
baseball team in Omaha, saying, "You 
know what? Гуе eaten Wall Street's 
lunch for four decades." Jimmy Buffett. 
brought out Cheeseburger in Paradise, 
while Warren bought out International 
Dairy Queen. 


9 


PLAYBOY: The Motley Fool has been de- 
scribed as a cult. Is it because of those 
hats? Or the Internet? Or both? 

DAVID: I used to resist the term, but Star 
Trek was considered а cult. It started 
small and grew into Paramount's most 
valuable property. Let's be a cult! We 
attract fanatical people who love mak- 
ing jokes about Wall Strect and all its 
pretensions. Let's grow that. 

том: It's Mao's revolution. We tie the 
brokers to stakes in the town square 
and berate them. We follow as much as 
anyone. That's how our forum is struc- 
tured. I'm ignorant about oil explo- 
ration, the environmental effects of 
that business, global demand, how oil 
gets priced and the costs of the busi- 
ness. And I'm not going to learn much 
about it any time soon. But if I wanted 
to learn, I'd go into an area of our fo- 
rum where 20-year oil-industry veter- 
anstalk. I believe the people who come 
to our forum have good intentions, 
such as telling those starting out, “This 
was my dumbest investment. Make 
sure you don't do this.” 


10 


PLAYBOY: Patience ranks far ahead of 
faith, hope and charity on the Motley 
Fool's list of virtues. Please explain. 
том: Everyone's out to rush you, from 
the car dealer to the stockbroker to the 
real estate broker. But in more cases 
than not, another train is coming. The 
chef at the summer camp where I once 
worked had an opportunity to invest in 
Marvin Hagler when Hagler had on- 
ly three fights in the northeast and 
was three and zero. The guy passed. 
The story sounds like the fish that got 
away—one speculation that would 
have dramatically changed his life. It 
would have. But if you talk to the guy 
you learn that methodical and patient 
investments in other things have done 
extremely well for him. 
DAVID: Patience comes down to com- 
pounding returns. Warren Buffett has 
(continued on page 160) 


= 


—N Y 


E 


“You want io know what I think? I think both you ai 


md your 


royal locksmith are fucking crazy!” 


h- 2. D. wicked, a bit 


wiggy—she is Pamela. 
Discovered by PLAYBOY, 
Miss February 1990 be- 
came the sex goddess of 
our times—provocative, 
controversial, alluring. Of 
all the heavenly bodies to 
grace these pages, Pam- 
ela Anderson rules the 


were invited to her home 


for an intimate session. WE 


|. PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 
» \Е EPHEN W 


“Br 
e we 


eoe 
сұс” 


orget the big hair, 
lined lips and kinky 
Malibu Barbie outfits. 
‘The Pamela who greets 
us in the garage play- 
room of her Hollywood 
Hills home is freshly 
scrubbed and dressed 
in simple white lounge- 
wear. She fusses over 
her two sons, Brandon 
Thomas, two and a half, 
and Dylan Jagger, one. 
“When I'm with my 
children, it’s like men 
are not even present,” 
she explains. “That's a 
big thing with me, that 
someone can appreciate 
and understand and 
love me as a mom in- 
stead of being threat- 
ened by it." 
jotherhood,” Pam- 
ela says, "is the most 
feminine you can be. 
It’s empowering. When 
1 gave birth with a mid- 
wife at home, I felt like, 
I am woman.” And there 
was another perk: “The 
most sexual time in my 
life was when I was 
pregnant. After a few 
months, there were no 
sharp corners on any 
piece of furniture.” 
Pamela takes us on a 
tour of her new house. 
In each of her boys’ 
rooms is a giant Pad- 
dington bear, birth gifts 
from Hef. In her bou- 
doir, there's ап enor- 
mous and sumptuous 
bed, soft as a cloud. Be- 
yond it lies a marble tub 
set into a bay window; 
as she soaks in it, Pam- 
ela can survey most 
of the San Fernando 
Valley. Downstairs, she 
shows us the kitchen. 
There's a selection of 
herbal brews on the 
counter. She chooses 
the Lover's Tea for us. 
"Lets see how this 
works,” she says. We spy 
(text continued on page 145) 


PLAYBOY 


138 


$ CO RE $ (continued from page 72) 


Bedroom phones across America started ringing with 
news of girls making upwards of $2000 a night. 


gowns and fuck-me pumps before 
boarding redeye flights into the City 
That Never Sleeps to dance for the 
men who stay up with it. The faces 
might have changed over the years, but 
the quality of the entertainment has al- 
ways been measured in hard-ons. How 
long an erection is sustained is direct- 
ly proportionate to the lines forming 
around the block. And that speaks 
mouthfuls of the beauties dropping 
their dresses on East 60th Street. After 
New Yorkers—and their most notable 
hometown sports heroes—made re- 
peated forays to the club, it wasn't long 
before the rest of the country realized 
something special was going on at this 
particular Manhattan strip club. In 
what seemed like no time at all, 
Madonna and assorted bicurious pals 
dropped by. Demi Moore made fre- 
quent stops to prepare for her role 
in the film Striptease. Geraldo Rivera 
dragged in almost all of the tired О.]. 
Simpson gang to the club. Dennis Rod- 
тап made a leggy Texan named Stacy 
Yarborough his own. Steven Spielberg 
tugged his hat way down low and sat in 
the closed-door confines of the Presi- 
dent's Club. And, of course, Howard 
Stern held court whenever he wanted 
with a soft-core massage party or poker 
game for those truly on the inside 
of cool. 

Almost every scandalous person in 
the news found his way to the T and A 
palace: Dwight Gooden trudged in sev- 
eral hours before he was to be boot- 
ed from baseball for the second time. 
John Wayne Bobbitt made the horrify- 
ing decision to flash some of the dam- 
age his slasher wife, Lorena, caused 
Hugh Grant made several post-Divine 
Brown forays. Jerry Seinfeld stared in- 
to his drink after his breakup with 
Shoshanna Lonstein, because—let’s 
face it—where else is the man going 
to go after love with a busty beauty 
like that goes bad? Even David Smith, 
husband of convicted child-killer Su- 
san Smith, took in four hours of table 
dances almost immediately after he was 
through hawking his book on the 
death of his two young sons. And, in 
perhaps the most notorious visit by a 
professional sports team, the New York 
Rangers carried in the Stanley Cup 
and repeatedly filled it with bottles of 
champagne until every fan and danc- 
ег had taken a sip from it. However, 
somewhere іп the revelry, not one of 
the players remembered to take the 


cup home. 

It got to the point that some of the 
guys out front were fixing a line on 
how soon President Clinton would 
show up. Since the club hasn't closed 
down just yet, he might still do it. If a 
blow job isn't cheating, a lap dance 
must be like bringing Hillary flowers 
on her birthday. And the most beauti- 
ful part of it all is that Scores girls keep 
their mouths shut. 

Legs open, mouths shut. You want. 
better than that? 

Let's talk about the girls for a min- 
ute. You can say all you want about ser- 
vice and ambience and location, loca- 
tion, location, but it was the girls that 
made Scores different from any other 
club. I remember watching Shougirls 
and wondering where the hell screen- 
writer Joe Eszterhas got his infor- 
mation. What club was he hanging 
around? Which girls did he chat up? 
With dialogue and a plot like that, Esz- 
terhas couldn't get laid in the Presi- 
denr's Club with a fistful of fifties and a 
promise to make every stripper a star. 
What Big Joe—and the makers of the 
equally horrible Striptease —don't un- 
derstand is that the main story in a club 
like this one almost never takes place 
onstage. At Scores, the real drama 
started at the lowly valet stand —where 
ballsy drivers pulled quick pieces of 
work for local mafiosi with some poor 
schmuck's Mercedes while a selected 
peeler kept the guy occupied—and it 
weaved through the nightly bacchana- 
lia and the parade of movie stars, mod- 
els, millionaires and mobsters until it fi- 
nally reached a climax with the “right” 
guys taking the “right” dancers home. 

One night, when aCy Young Award— 
winning pitcher waltzed into the club, 
some of the boys took it upon them- 
selves to get the ace nice and drunk 
past four АМ. so he couldn't possibly 
take the mound at Shea the next after- 
noon and beat the Mets. I watched as 
he vomited in the street before falling 
into a Town Car and heading to his ho- 
tel a mere seven hours before he was to 
pitch. And I watched as a dozen men 
immediately ran to the phone and 
placed large action against his team. 
“No doubt about this one,” one tough 
guy barked to his bookie. But when 
there's never a doubt, there's always 
doubt. The pitcher ended up winning 
and costing a few of the tough guys 
some 540,000 in foolish wagering. 

Whenever Howard Stern decided 


that it was time to let his hair down, he 
chose Scores, And on those days—call 
them “poker games” or “Super Bowl 
celebrations” or “massage parties"— 
the brass at Scores would simply shut 
the doors all day and let the wild man 
run wild. No questions asked, no an- 
swers given, no secrets told. And for 
the next few days Stern would go on 
and on about Scores to millions of his 
entranced listeners. (The dub, to this 
day, has never paid for a single adver- 
tisement in any newspaper or for а 
television or radio spot.) 

Then there was the time when Tru- 
die Styler was swinging topless on a 
brass pole as her husband, Sting, proud- 
ly looked on. Not for onc night. Not for 
two. But for three straight nights. True 
Scores drama unfolded with a drunken 
Charlie Sheen discarding $100 bills as 
if they were infectious, or with George 
Clooney mysteriously showing up with 
a quartet of the club's strippers while 
оп vacation іп South Beach, or with ac- 
tor and Hell's Angel henchman Chuck 
Zito orchestrating closed-door knock- 
outs with Mickey Rourke, Jean-Claude 
Van Damme and yours truly. Not for 
publicity’s sake, mind you, but because 
all three of us were guilty of violating a 
street code that may no longer exist 
outside Scores. Chuck was just the man 
the Devil sent to make sure we under- 
stood. And two years after the fisticuffs, 
1 have to respect the poetry of it all: 
The tough guy who found an empty 
room for Chuck to kick my ass in is the 
same guy who had comped me dinners 
and drinks for half a decade. 

Sadly, few people know anything 
about this. Because of Hollywood's wa- 
tered-down depiction of life inside a 
pulsing strip club, the public has no ге- 
spect for the type of woman who stands 
between a man’s legs and dances for a 
living. What's really sad is that Scores 
girls end up more maligned than the 
mobsters who shake them down ev- 
ery night for a little mad money, or 
the married millionaires who cut them 
checks at the table—with no questions 
asked. 

The perception 15 that strippers are 
trampy, that they use sex—or even the 
possibility of it—as a means to money 
and influence. That they couldn't pos- 
sibly have any morals when they charge 
a man ап hourly fee for speaking to 
him while he eats his filet mignon and 
mulls over the ridiculous possibility of 
a love affair. While all of those allega- 
tions are partly true, they are no more 
prevalent at Scores than they are at 
your own workplace. Or at the White 
House, for that matter. 

The truth is, most Scores girls—how- 
ever surgically enhanced or cosmetical- 
ly altered—drove themselves to the big 
city with dreams of becoming actresses 


“What turbulence?” 


PELAR BION 


ог models and fell a few inches shy. They 
were too short for the runway and too 
busty for editorial, but they were just 
right to reap the rewards that awaited 
them at Scores. It was almost too easy: 
Several self-conscious minutes spent au- 
ditioning for a strip club manager in a 
sweaty back room, and they were one 
night away from the riches they had 
dreamed about in Podunk and No- 
wheresville. OK, so maybe some girls 
took a knee and went a bit further in 
their desire to impress the boss in the 
nine millimeter gray suit. What do you 
want me to say? A chain of power was es- 
tablished, and that was that. 

Legs open, mouths shut. You want 
better than that? 

The long and short of it is, before you 
could say last call, bedroom phones in all 
the tiny towns across America started 
ringing with the news of girls making 
upwards of $2000 a night. Heather Lynn 
called Krista and she called Tiffany, who 
was on the phone with Amber, who re- 
layed the news to Tatiana, who had a 
friend named 2ос who flew in with Jazz. 
You get the picture. 

Now put yourself in their stilettos: 
Some guy with money to burn, who just 
wants to have a lady listen to him, offers 
to pay for Issa's college education or buy 
Ally a Mercedes or secure Jade an apart- 
ment in Battery Park City or send Va- 
nessa and a friend to Europe. Should 
the girls turn the man down, especially 
when he comes in every night and re- 
peatedly makes the same offer—no ques- 


CRUISER 


HE'S A MALE DOG, ALL 
RIGHT... LOOK AT НІМ 
MARK HIS TERRITORY. 


MEN AREN'T HAPPY UNTIL THEY PUT 
THEIR MARK ON SOMETHING. 


HEY, 

HEY, HEY! 
LISTEN, MEN 
ARE NOT ALL 
JUST р265 
MARKING 
TERRITORY. 

IM NOT! 


tions asked? 

Hell no. And most Scores girls didn't. 
They understood the cardinal rule of 
plying the flesh trade: Guys like girls 
who like them back. So it wasn’t unusual 
to see a tall Texas beauty forcing laugh- 
ter from her pretty little mouth even 
though the man paying her fee was a 
short, balding, fat banker staying at the 
Sheraton for a convention. The smart 
Scores girls learned to take that guy's 
money and run—or politely step off— 
and continue to do their jobs until Tom- 
my Lee or George Clooney or Antonio 
Sabato Jr. or Charlie Sheen walked in 
later that evening with a pocket full of 
promises. But somehow the women are 
given the dumb-blonde label. I don't 
know many 23-year-old girls who can af- 
ford to buy their parents houses on both 
coasts or who come to own several hors- 
es, girls who support their out-of-work 
boyfriends and drive to work in Jaguar 
convertibles. 

I can't do that. 

Can you? 

Perhaps what was most beautiful 
about a Scores girl, and what was once 
most respected about the dub itself, was 
the girl's ability to watch a secret die in a 
crowded room. Of course there were 
times when publicity was at a premium 
and when calls to the proper gossip 
columnists and paparazzi had to be 
made. But by and large, the club—from 
the girls on up—had a sweet way of nev- 
er ratting out anyone. It didn't matter 
that a famous basketball coach asked for 


EVERY FEW STEPS IT’S LIKE: 
THAT'S MINE... THAT'S MINE. 


THAT'S MINE!" 
қ 


1 CAN BE SELFLESS! I CAN 
BE GIVING! I GAVE You MY 


Tammy's home number, or that the mar- 
ried action star took a peeler to an after- 
hours club three nights in a row, or that 
the female sitcom star is having a rela- 
tionship with the dancer with the 
pierced tongue, or that the top movie 
hunk waits for his Florida honey at the 
Mark Hotel every time he’s in town, with 
a bottle of champagne, a box of choco- 
lates and a supply of condoms. What was 
comforting to the celebrities and athletes 
and diplomats and federal agents and 
politicians and cops and, yes, rabbis was 
that they could be confident that their 
Scores girls were not going to head for 
the tabloids. There was too much at 
stake and the fellows with the crooked 
noses up top made sure everyone 
walked the straight and narrow, even on 
the nights when they stumbled out ofthe 
club. Pray silence, baby. 

How sad then that the candy store 
would start to lose its flavor because two 
of the owners, Michael Blutrich and Lyle 
Pfeffer, agreed to talk with authoritics 
when crimes they had allegedly commi 
ted—having nothing to do with Scores— 
were uncovered. It turns out that along 
with slapping together a good strip joint, 
Blutrich and Pfeffer were good at em- 
bezzling millions through National Her- 
itage Life, an insurance company they 
ran in Florida (whose eventual $400 mil- 
lion collapse was one of the largest fail- 
ures of an insurer as a result of fraud in 
U.S. history). It was a nasty deal that en- 
abled U.S. attorneys in Florida to piece 
together an impressive criminal case 


WHAT 15 IT Agovr 
you MEN? SO 
MATERIALISTIC! 


so ; 
TERRITORIAL Y 


YES... THANKS, 
CRUISER. 


against the pair. Then the swindling duo, 
іп an effort to reduce their sentences, de- 
cided to spill the beans on the history of 
the club. 

Most of the city's adult entertainment 
clubs routinely pay a mob tax to one of 
New York's five families. Scores was 
“on record” with the Gambino crime fam- 
ily. A long-documented relationship 
between Gambino associate Michael 
“Mikey Hop" Sergio and Michael Blu- 
trich guaranteed the Gambinos a weekly 
envelope. This tribute permitted Scores 
to operate freely, immune to the threats 
of unorganized crime. Sergio’ 

Steve "Sigmund the Sea Monste: 
gio, was installed to oversee security for 
the club. 

Not surprisingly, the shakedowns 
quickly began with almost every employ- 
ee—from bathroom attendants to coat- 
check girl. When Blutrich and Pfeffer 
called for the ouster of Craig Carlino, 
the club’s management consultant, who 
is widely credited with turning Scores in- 
to a mecca, things got even crazier 
Blutrich and Pfeffer were unhappy pay- 
ing Carlino his rumored $20,000 per 
week and asked Sergio to remove him. 
The dispute was resolved in classic Mafia 
fashion, with Sergio calling in his re- 
spected muscle—Greg and Graig DePal- 
ma—a father-and-son team connected 
with the Gambinos. The DePalmas’ pres- 
ence motivated Carlino to call on a top 
Genovese capo, Angelo Prisco, to vouch 
for his interests. Unfortunately, Prisco 
outranked the elder DePalma, so De- 
Palma had to drop a name that would 
trump Carlino. The name DePalma ut- 
tered was John Gotti Jr. 

It was the type of sordid mess you see 
in movies. The feds had bugged DePal- 
ma’s house. Blutrich and Pfeffer began 
wearing wires. Eventually the govern- 
ment was able to make a case that John 
Gotti Jr. was shaking down the club. A 
sweeping RICO indictment followed, 
which included extortion, loan-shark- 
ing, fraud and gambling, and is set to go 
to trial early this year. And that’s why 
everyone at Scores—notte macchia di tutti 
notte macchia (nightclub of nightclubs)— 
is in the mess they re in 

The feds also uncovered the names of 
the gunmen who shot Segal and Greco 
on the first night of summer several 
years ago. The killers are believed to 
be Simon and Victor Dedaj, Albanian 
brothers from the Bronx who frequent- 
ed the club. The motive? An argument 
about wrestling that escalated beyond 
reason. 

And so with all the talking and taping 
anda few squeezes of a trigger, the beau- 
tiful carousel that was Scores started to 
buck and throw some of the pretty and 
powerful people off their horses. They 
landed with a loud thud at the feet of 
Rudolph Giuliani, the most powerful 
and meddling mayor in New York City's 
history. Giuliani had decided it was time 


© 1999 PLAYBOY 


The Magazine for 
Exotic Lovers 


© 


duPont _ 
REGISTRY 


Available at Finer Newsstands 
or Call 


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141 


PLAYBOY 


to improve Big Town's quality of life. So 
the guy with more vowels in his last 
name than anybody facing a RICO rap 
swept into office on a platform that he 
would direct an assault against business- 
es and practices that he found morally 
lacking. 

His first task was to clean up the pros- 
titution and pornography on display in 
Times Square with a city ordinance that 
prohibits the operation of any adult en- 
tertainment within 500 feet of a school, 
church or residential dwelling. The law 
further decrees that any business desig- 
nating more than 40 percent of its floor 
space to adult entertainment also must 
comply with the legislation. Scores, 
along with the city's other popular strip 
clubs, Ten's and VIP's, was in direct vio- 
lation of this policy. Its survival threat- 
ened, Scores headed a coalition that fer- 
vently worked to have the ordinance 
overturned, but after several years of le- 
gal wrangling, state and federal courts 
upheld the law. As a consequence, all 
topless establishments were relegated to 
Manhattan's West Side meatpacking dis- 
trict. This created a catch-22 for Scores. 
To relocate the club would require а 
huge financial investment, an unlikely 
occurrence given that the principal own- 
ers were running the nightspot from the 
confines of the Witness Protection Pro- 
gram. Furthermore, any change of ad- 
dress would require an abundance of 
new licensing, which, given the club’s 
history, would never be granted. 

Now we're left with a club that allows 
topless nudity in only 40 percent of its 


space and drapes a black felt curtain 
around the dance area to separate danc- 
ers from diners. Patronage isn't the same, 
either—there are fewer beautiful peo- 
ple, and their visits are no longer pasted 
all over the city’s gossip columns. Even 
the mobsters are gone, casting an echo 
to the joint not heard since the days 
when it had pool tables in the back, saw- 
dust on the floor and dancers with visi- 
ble C-section scars. 

Laugh all you want, but in terms of 
fun it was my generation's Ebbets Field 
and Studio 54 rolled into one. And it 
didn’t have to die. In the end, it was all 
the talking that brought the club to its 
knees, and while the tough guys sang 
and the multimillionaire owners went 
into the Witness Protection Program, 
the girls kept dancing and never said 
a word. 

It's as if they understood the code of 
silence better than the men who live by 
that code every day. It’s almost as if the 
girls knew that Scores was the end of the 
line, a switching point, where everyone 
involved could have changed course or 
identities and moved on. All they had to 
do was play the game and pray silence 
along the way. If the people who once 
ruled Scores had taken a cue from girls 
who drop their dresses for a living, we all 
might be having a little more fun this 
evening. 

Again—legs open, mouths shut. You 
want better than that? 


FITNESS 


(continued from page 30) 

Bad Cardio: Pass on the rowing ma- 
chines and NordicTrack. 

Resistance Training Tips: Go with light 
to moderate weights and high reps to 
tone muscles above the waist. Squats and 
lunges will beef up those calves and 
thighs. Once you're in shape, do squats 
with a ten-pound or 20-pound body bar 
or the equivalent weight in dumbbells. 


HOURGLASS (20 PERCENT OF ALL MEN) 


The Score: This may sound like a girly 
category, but remember that Arnold 
Schwarzenegger is an example of an 
Hourglass male who can kick major Ru- 
ler, Cone and Spoon butt. Hourglasses 
gain or lose mass easily throughout the 
entire body and tend to be narrower in 
the waistline. 

Good Cardio: Because you can pack it 
on quickly, you need to move consistent- 
ly and intensely. Jumping rope is an ide- 
al way to keep trim, as are riding a sta- 
tionary bike and using a rowing machine 
(both at a low tension level). Cross-coun- 
try skiing is effective, too, as well as mar- 
ual arts, swimming and calisthenics— 
anything that uses the entire body. 

Bad Cardio: Forget stair climbing and 
step aerobics. Both put too much em- 
phasis on muscles below the waist. 

Resistance Training Tips: Stick with low 
to moderate weights and high reps. 
Avoid squats, lunges and leg presses. 


SPOON (TEN PERCENT OF ALL MEN) 


The Score: Guys сап be hippy, too, If 
you fall into this category, you need to 
focus on upper-body weight training to 
create balance. And, of course, you need 
to burn fat so it doesn’t accumulate on 
your lower abs, hips and thighs. 

Good Cardio: Jump rope, ride a station- 
ary bike (low tension, high rpm), walk 
fast or jog on flat terrain. Take a boot- 
camp class or do calisthenics. You need 
to haul booty to minimize it. 

Bad Cardio. Avoid StairMaster and 
step aerobics like the plague. 

Resistance Training Tips: Focus on your 
upper body—biceps, triceps, pecs, abs— 
using moderate to heavy weights to 
build mass. Do toning exercises to keep 
your lower body lean, and avoid squats 
and leg presses. 


EXUDE TO THE MAX: For specific exer- 
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143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


ізге N еме чек стон» 
(continued from page 118) 
from Norway lofts 14 to 15 feet above 
the lip of the pipe. Guillaume Chastag- 
nol of France is the acknowledged pro 
spin-master, having landed а 1440— 
that’s four times around. ® There are 
more than 100 halfpipe competitions 
held each year. Upwards of 10,000 peo- 
ple attended the halfpipe event at the 
1998 U.S. Open Snowboarding Cham- 
5, the nation’s oldest boarding 
on, held annually at Stratton 
Mountain in Vermont. More than 2.3 
million people tuned in to ESPN and 
ESPN2 last January to watch the 1998 
X Games halfpipe competition. More 
than 165 million fans in 178 countries 
watched the rebroadcast. Bone Crunch- 
ing: Dr. Peter Janes of Vail-Summit Or- 
thopedics has cataloged more than 7400 
snowboard injuries in Colorado over a 
ten-year span. The most common injury 
(20 percent) is a fractured or sprained 
wrist, usually caused by reaching to 
break a backward fall. Other injuries in- 
dude ankle sprains and fractures (14 
percent) from catching a toc edge, knee 
ligament damage (12 percent) from 
jumping, and closed (i.e., bloodless) 
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ДЕ an 
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"Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and. 
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JERMS 


(continued from page 114) 
are the best jeans out there. Regardless 
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of choice. Dark is delicious. Though our 
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Roll up the leg of a pair of dark jeans (0 
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wash. Don't launder them after every 
wearing (but you don't need to be told 
that). If you screw up, don't worry—as 
summer approaches, lighter blue denim 
will be in style. Take the straight and nar- 
raw. Unless you're raving every weck- 
end, wear straight legs with just enough 
room to accommodate boots. Now pre- 
Pare to meet your new best friends. (1) 
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the four-inch cuff. (2) Vintage-style but- 
ton-fly jeans. Manufacturer: Lucky Brand 
Dungarees. Price: $68. Fil: These pants 
are looser all over—good for a gym rat 
who needs room in the thighs, calves 
and butt. A tag under the fly says Lucky 
you. Our model's call? “These button-fly 
studs are a lot of work, but they're sexy 
as hell.” Back at ya. (3) Dark denim 
jeans. Manufacturer: A/X Armani Ex- 
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(4) Preshrunk 501 button-fly jeans. Man- 
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Ralph, Calvin and Tommy wore them, 
then based their own jeans on the clas- 
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fly jeans. Manufacturer: Levi Strauss & 
Co. Price: 850. Fit: You need to go about 
three inches larger in the waist to shrink 
to fit and more than five inches longer 
in the inseam to cuff them. (6) Stone- 
washed jeans. Manufacturer: CK Calvin 
Klein Jeans. Price: 850. Fit: Nothing 
came between Brooke and her Calyins 
in the Seventies, and not much has 
changed. These jeans have a slim, West- 
ern fit. (7) Dark basic jeans. Manufactur- 
er: Diesel. Price: $99. Fit: These are slim 
in the legs and hug the butt. The denim 
is heavy. (8) Classic zip-fly jeans. Manu- 
facturer: Tommy Jeans. Price: $50. Fit 
These jeans rise high on the behind, and 
the slim leg won't fit over a boot. Like all 
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W тей nd CLIO 

(continued from page 128) 
another variety: Pregnancy Tea. She 
catches our glance and giggles. "That's 
not how you get me pregnant.” 

We sit on a sofa in her den. (Her cur- 
rent beau, five-time world surfing cham- 
pion and Baywatch alumnus Kelly Slater, 
has gone golfing.) After a hard, public 
year in which her marriage to Motley 
Crue's Tommy Lee foundered and their 
honeymoon home movie was released 
on video, Pamela is remarkably calm and 
composed. 

She rolls her eyes when I mention the 
tape. “I'm so over that,” she says. “I 
mean, I'm fighting it with lawyers, but 
it's a bottomless pit. What really sucks is 
that it’s our personal life. It makes me 
afraid to take pictures, make scrapbooks, 
shoot videos of my children. Nothing's 
sacred. Every once in a while I catch my- 
self thinking, What if my mammogram 
ends up on the front page of the Enquir- 
er? Which is just stupid.” 

Not that she has anything against racy 
material. She admits she has rented 
adult videos. “Гуе seen more in hotels 
and on Playboy TV. It's kind of fun to 
watch once іп а while. 

On the subject of her marriage, she is 
sadder but wiser. “A lot of my friends’ 
parents were alcoholics who abused 
them,” she tells me. “I thought all rela- 
tionships were abusive. I really haven't 
been in happy relationships. I’m trying 
to learn to be friends with someone and 
care about him instead of trying to hold 
on to something so intense. 

“Tommy and I were like this,” she 
says, crossing her fingers. “Inseparable 
It's exactly what I asked for. And I don't 
blame him for everything. I think it’s 
what we thought true love was. But 
when you really love somebody, some- 
times you just have to leave and let him 
find his way. It’s hard. You’re the one 
who gets abused, and then you're the 
one who has to be strong enough to stay 
away. You can't constantly be the res- 
cuer.” She sighs. “It’s so much easier to 
get married than divorced." 

She smiles shyly at me. And in this 
moment of candor and vulnerability, 
her ocean-colored eyes, freckled button 
nose, full pink lips and gleaming white 
teeth have never looked more natural ог 
beautiful. The smile widens to a flirta- 
tious grin. "This has to be the classic 
PLAYBOY interview," she announces. "It's 
got to be funny. It's got to be kooky." 

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You were born on July 1, which ac- 
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Day of Emancipation." Care to discuss? 

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Then I started working out heavily be- 
cause I thought if I competed іп a body- 
building championship maybe I'd get 
over my shyness. I always thought there 
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PLAYBOY 


146 


myself. And when I did pıavsor the first 
time, that was it, It was just like playing a 
character, and it felt good to do that in- 
stead of hiding. 

Do you remember the first time you 
Saw PLAYBOY? 

I saw an old one of Dad's and thought 
it was beautiful. Then I had a boyfriend 
who was a photographer and he had a 
bunch of them. When someone came up 
to me and said I should be in PLAYBOY 
he said, “Absolutely not.” And I said, 
“That's kind of weird. You think they're 
so great but I'm not allowed to be in 
one?” 

What was your favorite shoot for 
PLAYBOY? 

The one I did in St.-Iropez in 1994. I 
was single. It was totally me, free and 
having fun. In my Bardot mood. Every 
one I've done since I've felt a little guilt. 
І even did one shoot when I was married 
that Hef decided not to run because he 
said I looked unhappy. We have a great 
relationship. He's like a dad to me. 

J hear you almost got busted doing 
your 1992 PLAYBOY shoot. 

We were shooting on Route 66 in Ari- 
zona and the police wcre going to arrest 
me for indecent exposure. I had on а 
sheer dress and I think one nipple was 
sticking out. I said, *You can't arrest me 
for a nipple." But a female officer read 
me my rights and took me to the station. 
I had to write a letter of apology to this 
Baptist minister who was living on the 


road where we were shooting. 

Have you ever been to a strip club? 

Lots. The guys I go with always think 
ТИ feel uncomfortable, but they end up 
getting mad because I get to go back- 
stage and hang out with the girls and 
I'm the one who gets the lap dances. 
"I here was one girl who said, “My stage 
name із Pamela because everyone says 1 
look like you and I’m so flattered” while 
she’s rubbing her boobs in my face. And 
1 was giving her tips: “Well, if you're go- 
ing to be me, you have to part your hair 
to the other side and cut your bangs.” 

Did you ever imagine that you would 
become an international sex symbol? 

No way. That was so unlike me. I was 
so not vain. If my hair got in the way, I'd 
cut it off. I never wore makeup. It's fun- 
ny that I now do what I do. I'm a drag 
queen. I love playing dress-up. 

Do you remember the first boy who 
paid attention to you? 

I had two boyfriends, Matthew and 
Kenny, when I was five. I used to kiss 
Matthew, and that would make Ken- 
ny punch him. Then I'd kiss Kenny so 
they'd fight again. 
hen was your first serious kiss? 

In fifth grade. 1 hated it and won- 
dered what everyone was talking about, 
because this guy jammed his tongue so 
far down my throat. 1 avoided kissing 
people for a long time after that. 

What happened when you looked in. 
the mirror and rcalized you were be- 


“Take the Microsoft job if you must, Robert, but in later life 
you may wish you had finished the third grade." 


coming a woman? 

I went completely nuts as soon as I 
started getting hips and curves. Even 
though I was shy, I was wearing dresses 
and going out with a bunch of different 
guys. But I didn't get my period until I 
was 18. 1 was always athletic. 1 was on 
four volleyball teams. I was a setter, be- 
cause I’m a midget. Thank God I didn't 
play field hockey, because my girlfriends 
who did have banged-up shins and no 
teeth. 

Have you ever had a woman come on 
to you? 

Oh, yeah. They're worse than men. 
I've had friends grab my leg and say, “I 
know you want me as much as I want 
you.” There have been all sorts of op- 
portunities to experiment, but I've nev- 
er really had the desire. I'd sit around 
with a bunch of girlfriends telling stories 
and Га always be like, “Wow, that’s real- 
ly cool.” And then they'd come on to me 
and say, “Pamela, you totally led me on.” 
But just because 1 listen doesn't mean I 
want to partake. | think women's bodies 
are really beautiful, but 1 prefer men's 
bodies. [Laughs] Penetration is good. 

So if a guy really wants to impress 
you, what should he do? 

Besides penetration? It’s the little 
things. 

A lot of men define themselves by the 
car they drive. 

I drive a Tahoe. A family vehicle. It 
says I'm a mom. 

Which would you prefer: flowers or 
candy? 

Both: Roses and organic chocolate. 

Tight jeans or Dockers? 

Dockers. Not too baggy, though. I’m 
not into the supertight-jeans thing. You 
can't tell much from that anyway. The 
guy might just have big balls. All pota- 
toes and no meat 

Taller or shorter than you? 

“Taller, but not too much. You fit to- 
gether better, standing up and lying 
down. It’s more cuddly. 

Older or younger? 

In spirit or in years? Kelly is youn- 
ger than me, but he’s much older in his 
soul than a lot of people who are older 
than me. 

White collar or blue collar? 

Blue. I'm not into executive types. I 
don’t want to be with anyone for finan- 
cial reasons. | have my own moncy. 1 
prefer to be with someone who can look 
after himself, though. I have enough 
people to look after. 

Muscles or lean? 

I don't like really big guys, but a little 
muscle is good. 

Hairy or smooth? 

Smooth. I don't mind a little stubble 
on the chin. That works on different 
parts of the body. It's a good exfoliant. 

Sweaty or showered? 

1 like taking lots of showers and baths. 
And he has to be there with me. It's a 


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Boxers or briefs? 

The kind that are in between, the long 
brief. I wear those all the time. I wear 
briefs, too, but just around the house. 

Have you ever made a man wear your 
underwear? 

Oh yeah. And bikinis and dresses. I 
Just say, "Put this on and ГЇЇ take pic- 
tures." It shows he has a sense of humor, 
which is sexy. Га have to stop Tom- 
my from going down to the card tables 
in Vegas іп my dresses. They were a lit- 
tle too short for him, if you know what 
I mean. 

What can men do to make their bed- 
rooms more appealing to women? 

Candles. That's an easy one. Good 
sheets. My favorites are by Shabby Chic; 
they're soft like T-shirts. 

Do you like phone sex? 

"That's the bomb. You learn how to talk 
10 somebody; that’s the sexiest thing to 
me, talking when you're making love. So 
if you're not together a lot and you have 
phone sex, it makes it that much better 
when you're together. 

What could someone say that would 
kill the mood? 

On the phone he could say, “Can you 
wait? Гуе got someone on the other 
line.” If we're together he could say 
[laughs hysterically], “I have gas.” 

Have you ever tied up a man? 

Oh yeah. Chains, silk ties. Many times 
I just used whatever was around. The 
güy was never being punished, but he 
didn't necessarily ask for it. 

When do you feel the most sexually 
powerful? 

When we're playing burglar-and-vic- 
tim and I'm the burglar. 

Which of the seven deadly sins are 
you guilty of? 

If you asked me these questions two 
years ago, Га have said the most-ridicu- 
lous, off-the-wall things. But Гуе mel- 
lowed out. I'm much more low-key. OK, 
seven deadly sins? Anal sex! 

Is that gluttony or lust? Have you 
ever done it to a guy? 

Yeah. I mean the finger thing is a no- 
brainer. I never strapped on anything, 
but I have used a vibrator. He put his 
feet over his head. [Laughs] I couldn't re- 
sist. He liked it and that kind of freaked 
me out. I called all my girlfriends and we 
had an LPC meeting —the Little Players 
Club—where we exchange our sexual 
secrets. They all tried it on their guys 
and then we all broke up with our boy- 
friends and went out with new people. 

How do you know when it’s lust? 

When you're having sex four or five 
times a day. 

How do you know when it’s love? 

When you don't һауе to have sex four 
or five times a day. You can sit back and 
eat guacamole and watch golf for a 
whole day and not attack each other. 

What are the most sensual places 
you've been? 


Tahiti, Bora Bora, Hawaii. Really 
warm places with water. 

Describe making love ina steam bath, 

Oily, steamy. We could get graphic. 

Sauna? 

I barely remember. That was a long 
time ago. 

In the backseat of a car? 

That's always good, because you're 
kind of cramped in there. 

Іп а swing? 

A swing is good. You don't swing very 
far. Only nine or ten inches, if you're 
lucky. 

Are you a size queen? 

No. I think Гуе just been fortunate. 

Have you ever enjoyed horizontal 
recreation in a forest? 

Oh ycah. Up in a trec. On a branch. 
Kind of dangerous, and it hurt my back. 

Which leads us to the classic New! 
wed Game question. As Bob Eubanks 
would ask, “What's the strangest place 
you’ve ever made whoopee?” 

That'd be in the butt, Bob. [Thinks a 
long time] I was in a coat closet when 
someone's parents were in the room. 

Can you have sex without love? 

I guess I have in the past, but since 
Гуе been married and had children, my 
idea of that has changed. I think it's a 
spiritual thing: When you have sex your 
souls see each other. 

You play saxophone. Would you like 
to play a duet with that hornblower Bill 
Clinton? 

No. And I don't have advice for Hil- 
lary. I don't know why she's still there 
But then I don't even know what the 
real deal is. 

Why do you think men cheat? 

It's human nature. It really doesn't 
һауе anything to do with the girl they're 
with. It has to do with men's needs. Peo- 
ple say men have a greater need for sex, 
but in the right relationship, it’s pretty 
equal. Women can be very sexual. It de- 
pends on your attraction to the other 
person. 

Have you ever cheated? 

When I was married I never even 
looked at other guys. I've gone through 
phases when I've had more than one 
boyfriend, but I never told someone 1 
was 100 percent committed if I wasn't. 

What's the thing about women men 
will never understand? 

Women aren't as needy as men think 
they are. They want to love and nurture. 
And for a man to really experience the 
love of a woman, he has to be mothered 
by her. Men get real jealous when wom- 
en have children—they don't know how 
to handle being second. But this is the 
way women love: They are nurturers 
and mothers. 

Is that why men are so obsessed with 
breasts? 

They're a novelty, something they 
don't have. Maybe it goes back to when 
they were breast-fed as kids. Or not. 

—DAVID A. KEEPS 


dating disasters 

(continued from page 86) 
thinking, and it wasn't until I faced the 
reality of 20 dates' looming in front of 
me that I began to panic. I suddenly re- 
alized it was more than coincidence that: 
(a) my friends refused to set me up with 
anyone, (b) women would tell me I was 
the worst date they had ever had and (c) 
mothers would grab their children, cars 
would stop running and angels would 
stop singing whenever I walked down 
the street holding a bouquet of roses and 
a scrap of paper with my date's address 
on it. I didn’t think about these things, 
largely because I assumed every single 
person in the entire world had just been 
fucking with me. 

I was about to make a movie about 
dating, when, unfortunately, I knew 
nothing about dating. I always had in- 
tended to make this movie a comedy, but 
I didn’t want it to be all at my expense. 
I needed help with this whole dating 
thing. I needed expert advice. And sure 
enough, the self-help aisles of the book- 
stores were crammed with titles that 
promised to teach me everything I need- 
ed to know about dating. 

There were books such as Smart Dat- 
ing, Some Day My Prince Will Come, You 
Can Hurry Love and, of course, the cot- 
tage industry: The Rules and The Rules IT. 
And you could bone up on romance 
Dating for Dummies. You wouldn't believe 
the sage advice these experts were shov- 
cling out for an average of $11.95: 

"Be positive." 
“Don't ask her out for Saturday night 
if it's past noon on Wednesday." 

“Со someplace where you can talk 
without getting thrown out." 

"Avoid arm wrestling. It's rude and 
she might beat you." 

“If you break wind, open the car win- 
dow and apologize." 

And that's only the uscful stuff. How 
about: 

"Listen to her." No. You think? Aren't 
you supposed to talk the entire time? Or 
better yet, how about making an evening 
of that delightful game we enjoyed as 
children and repeating everything she 
says, exactly the way she says it. For even 
better results, don't let up until both of 
you have said, "Stop it, I'm serious. Take 
me home,” for 15 minutes straight. 

"Practice being a good listener. If you 
don't know if you are a good listener, 
ask your friends." If they can't finish 
their sentences when you ask them, that 
means you are constantly interrupting 
them, and thus, are not a good listener. 

“End every phone call first.” “End the 
date first.” As she opens her apartment 
door when you pick her up yell, “Bye!” 
and run away. 

“Learn to dance.” No comment. 

For those readers who are inept not 
only at dating but also at life itself, i 
probably helpful to learn that you might 


be losing your date if she “keeps nod- 
ding her head and yawning.” But what 
does it mean if her eyes roll up into her 
head, her skin turns blue and the sick- 
ly stench of death floats through the 
restaurant? 

The supposed experts had nothing 
for me. I didn't know what the hell to do. 
Аз а result, 1 failed miserably on the first 
bunch of dates. The first hour of my 
movie isn't just a comedy, it's a public 
service announcement. Any guy who еу- 
er messed up on а date or is too scared to 
date or is reading this article while he is 
on a date can go see my movie and walk 
out of the theater feeling pretty good 
about himself. 

At the risk of sounding like one of 
those dating experts, I'll rattle off some 
of the stuff I learned on my first ten 
dates: 

Don't accuse her of lying, at least not 
before your second date. 

Don't tell her she's eating too much. 

Don't secretly film an intimate evening 
without retaining an aggressive lawyer. 
who lacks any moral backbone. 

Yes, I was lousy at dating. For those of 
you too cheap to pay for a ticket to my 
movie, I will summarize the emotional 
atmosphere that surrounded my first 
ten dates. Imagine Hillary's reaction 
when the president told her that Monica 
was more than just an intern. Now, take 
away all the love that was in that room. 
Тһе only reason 1 didn't stop dating was 
that I couldn't raise the money to make a 
movie called I'm Stopping After Only Ten 
Dates. 

So I forced myself to keep knocking 
out those dates, one after another— 
boom, boom, boom. And that's when, 
completely by accident, I discovered the 
one secret to dating, the only dating se- 
cret that every guy has to know: 

It's quantity, not quality. 

That's the secret. You have to go out 
on lots of dates to get really good at it. 
Don't confuse this secret with the old 
“ask 100 women to sleep with you and 
maybe you'll get lucky" theory. Fm 
much deeper than that. This is the tao of 
dating. 

It's volume, volume, volume. 

1 realized that dating is an art. And, 
like any artist, you have to practice your 
craft before you become good at it. Da 
Vinci didn't just come up with the Mona 
Lisa. He had to fail with lots of women 
before he could wipe that smirk on his 
canvas. 

Dating is a bloody contact sport, and 
Just like an athlete, you have to warm up 
your muscles. You have to get your rou- 
tine down before you become comfort- 
able enough with yourself and not go 
crazy second-guessing and overthinking 
when the pressure is on. 

Consider the hundreds of decisions 
you make for just one date. Which co- 
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150 


How long before a date do you shower 
so you don't show up with wet hair? Do 
you dress like the sissy dancers in Gap 
ads orare you going to be comfortable in 
an Italian suit like the sissy models in the 
Zanetti posters? 

What music should you have playing 
in your car? Do you listen to your all- 
knowing single female co-worker and 
take your date for sushi? Or do you fol- 
low your heart, listen to the moron in 
sales and try to get her drunk? Do you 
quote Shakespeare to her, or repeat a 
line you heard the night before on a 
Seinfeld rerun, confident that your deli 
ery is actually better than Jerry's? 

Do you read the daily editorials in The 
New York Times so you have something to 
say on your dates, or do you skip the 
homework and let her spout crap and 
then summarily disagree with her? No 


“Sorry, sweetheart . . 


expert сап tell you the right answer. On- 
ly you can know what's right for you, 
and you'll know it only if you practice. 

You might be really bad at dating at 
first. God knows I was. Maybe, at the be- 
ginning, you might even date in another 
city. Yes, she'll think you're married, but 
what do you care? The first ten or 15 
dates are batting practice anyway. 

Just have faith that no matter how bad 
you are on any date, there is still one guy 
who is even more socially inept than you 
ever were, who has said more stupid 
things to waiters in five minutes than 
you've said in an entire evening, who has 
consistently worn worse clothes than you 
will ever hang in your closet and who 
still managed to get it right on at least 
опе date. He's called your father. And all 
you need to do is get it right on just one 
date also. 


. Pm a member of the Promise Breakers.” 


I promise you that if you keep practic- 
ing, one day or one Saturday night you 
are going to find yourself in a restaurant 
with a woman who is so far above you 
that in ancient India you would have 
been stoned for defying the caste system 
But you're not going to blow this date, 
because you're going to be ready. You 
are not going to be nervous. You are go- 
ing to be your charming, witty, confident 
self. 

You want to know how 1 know this? 
It's not because I've memorized Oh, the 
Places You'll Go. It's because that's exactly 
what happened to me. I actually met my 
dream woman on one of those 20 dates. 
And now she’s my girlfriend. Maybe now 
you'll think about shelling out eight 
bucks for a ticket. 

This woman is smart, and yet she tells 
me I'm brilliant. She's witty, and yet 
she's polite enough to laugh at all my 
jokes. She pushes me out the door to go 
watch football with my friends on Sun- 
day mornings. Everyone who meets her 
loves her. Animals love her. Every little 
girl wants to grow up to be like her. Even 
some little boys wouldn't mind growing 
up to be like her. 

Oh, and by the way, she looks like a 
model. Talk about a Doug Flutie hail- 
mary pass in the game of life! Some of 
you may believe that such a woman actu- 
ally exists. But none of you would be- 
lieve a woman like her would ever go out 
with a guy like me. 

Thad been through so many dates that 
by the time I got to “The Lovely,” I 
wasn't nervous anymore. I had made all 
my mistakes already. 1 didn’t pretend 1 
was something I wasn't, I didn't play 
games, I didn't blow it. I was brilliant. 

Let me put this in some perspective. I 
am now a member of that select group of 
seemingly common men who have land- 
ed unbelievable women. Roger Rabbit 
may be a dork, but Jessica Rabbit is all 
over him. King Kong behaves like a god- 
damn animal, but he still has a gorgeous 
blonde eating out of the palm of his 
hand. (True, he's a giant, hairy ape. But 
in Hollywood, that's not necessarily a 
bad thing.) All three of us—Kong, the 
cartoon and me—are overachievers be- 
cause we practiced. 

I know what I'm talking about. Follow 
my example and go out on lots of dates. 
Do that and I'll bet you one day you will 
be walking down the street with your 
arm around your girlfriend and some 
guy is going to look at the two of you to- 
gether and say, “Someone must have 
hurt her very badly.” 

Trust me. You will interpret that com- 
ment as the ultimate compliment that 
asshole unintentionally meant it to be. 
Even if you don't, I guarantee you'll at 
least get used to comments like that. I 
did. But it took a lot of practice. 


EMERIL LAGASSE 


(continued from page 68) 
more likely the food will be safe. I am a 
fanatic about every ingredient I serve іп 
my restaurants. I get fish at the back 
door from people I know. I work with 
the same produce farms year after year. 
I raise my own hogs and make my own 
ham and bacon and tasso, a lean spiced 
ham that’s predominant in Acadian and 
Louisiana food. You wouldn't necessarily 
have a tasso sandwich, but you would 
use it in a good étouffée or gumbo. You 
gettin’ hungry? 
PLAYBOY: You make it a point to use fresh 
ingredients. But what about people who 
don't have access to fresh ingredients? 
LAGASSE: There are fewer and fewer ex- 
cuses. There are farmers’ markets іп 
more and more cities. But if you can't 
get fresh ingredients, you can’t get them. 
You do the best you сап, 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever used frozen 
vegetables? 
LAGASSE: We don't have much of a freez- 
er in my restaurants, except for storing 
ice cream anda few other things. I'm not 
saying there's anything wrong with fro- 
zen vegetables. We just don't use them; 
it’s not part of our philosophy. 
PLAYBOY: Does that mean that we won't 
be seeing a line of Emeril’s frozen foods 
similar to Wolfgang Puck’s? 
LAGASSE: I don't foresee that. The only 
commercial lines we have are my spices 
and the cookbooks. For what it costs for 
one of those pizzas, which barely feeds 
two, you can get a cookbook that 1 hope 
provides multiple meal memories. 
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about canned 
ingredients? 
LAGASSE: When you need to. Let's take 
tomatoes. There are probably 20 types 
of canned tomatoes in any grocery store, 
whether you are in Des Moines or New 
York City. Find the one you like. You can 
read reviews, too; even canned tomatoes 
are reviewed. There’s nothing wrong 
with a canned tomato so long as it’s a 
good canned tomato. 
PLAYBOY: How about canned meat? Have 
you ever tried Spam? 
LAGASSE: I've been a big Spam fan for a 
long time. I have a good friend, Sam 
Choy, a great chef and restaurateur in 
Hawaii, who is famous for his Spam laie 
тосо; there was an article about him in 
The Wall Street Journal. Laie moco is on 
the menu at his very kicked-up fine-din- 
ing restaurant. It’s this Spam loco moc 
dish, a delicious, incredible, fried rice 
loco moco kind of thing with brown gra- 
vy. It's to die for. I wish that I had some 
right now. 
PLAYBOY: What's the best meal you've 
ever had? 
LAGASSE: With some colleagues, 1 had 
the great fortune to get reservations 
during the last week that Fredy Girardet 
had his restaurant in Switzerland. A lot 
of us considered him the pope of cuisine, 


HOW 


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BUY 


Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
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merchandise. To buy the ap- 
parel and equipment shown 
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37, 91, 114-115, 144 and 
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est you. 


4 


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Macanudo, at fine tobac- 
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WIRED 

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Wilson, at sporting goods 
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ON THE SCENE 

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LANDI ғ 176 SIMPSONS TM D TWENTIETH CEMI 


151 


PLAYBOY 


152 


and he was closing down and it was very 
sad. But we had two back-to-back гезег- 
vations a couple of days before he offi- 
cially retired. The dinners were рһе- 
nomenal, unbelievable. Before that the 
meals 1 remember were оп a trip I took 
with my chef de cuisine from Monte Car- 
lo to Paris. Some days we drove four or 
five hours just to eat another great meal. 
We did two extraordinary meals a day 
for eight days straight. In this country, 
probably some of the best food I have 
had was at my friend Charlie Trotter's 
restaurant in Chicago. 

PLAYBOY: What has ‘Trotter contributed 
to American cooking? 

LAGASSE: He's a phenomenal cook, a 
phenomenal chef—just a tremendous 
restaurateur, a guy who can uphold and 
set amazing standards for the restaurant 
industry in this country. His style is 
stripped down—lots of vegetables and 
immaculate seafood. Fresh ingredients. 
He flies them in. 

PLAYBOY: What has your former boss, 
Wolfgang Puck, contributed? 

LAGASSE: Not only did he—along with 
Alice Waters—pioneer California cui- 
sine, but he brought back a sense of the 
classics into whatever he cooked. He was 
one of the first guys to fuse the Asian Pa- 
cific Rim, too. 

PLAYBOY: What about Alice Waters? 
LAGASSE: She is the godmother of Amer- 
ican cuisine. 1 have a lot of respect for 
her. She is the one who inspired me to 
use local produce from local farms, to 
work with local farmers and to bring that 
element back into restaurants. 

PLAYBOY: And James Beard? 

LAGASSE: Beard influenced a lot of peo- 


ple, particularly men. He was the first 
man to show that it was OK to be a guy 
and to cook. One of his disciples, Larry 
Forgione, achefin New York, influenced 
me a lot. 

PLAYBOY: Paul Prudhomme? 

LAGASSE: A great guy. A special human 
being. Certainly he was one of the guys 
responsible for the regional movement 
of American cuisine. You couldn't find 
amore humble, nicer man than Paul 
Prudhomme. A great cook. 

PLAYBOY: Julia Child? 

LAGASSE: There is only one Julia. That la- 
dy is just amazing. One of my first expe- 
riences as 2 cook was cooking for Julia 
Child in the mid-Seventies. I introduced 
her to crawfish and étouffée. 1 taught 
her how to suck head and pinch tail. 
PLAYBOY: To suck head and pinch tail? 
LAGASSE: That's a crawfish thing. 

What exactly does it refer to? 
To eat the crawfish, you have 
You suck the head, which is 
where the fat and juice are. Then you 
peel the tail and pinch it to get at the 
tail meat. 

PLAYBOY: Is there an up-and-coming chef 
we should watch for? 

LAGASSE: There's Anne Kearney in New 
Orleans, who has a new restaurant called 
Peristyle. Food & Wine magazine named 
her one of the top ten new chefs in 
America. Annie is going to make a signif- 
icant contribution to the movement of 
American cuisine. It's classic Provencal 
cooking mixed with New Orleans. Ber- 
nard Carmouche is an up-and-comer, 
though I may be biased. He is with me at 
Emeril's and was my first pot washer at 
Commander's Palace. We made a deal at 


“Don’t worry. Following a recently redefined legal precedent, 
this does not constitute sexual relations.” 


that time: You finish school and get an 
education and a degree; ІЛІ teach you 
how to cook. He's my chef de cuisine now. 
PLAYBOY: Why have so many chefs be- 
come stars? 

LAGASSE: There were big-name chefs in 
Europe for a long time. In America it 
has all changed within the past five years 
or so, when we began respecting region- 
al cooking and fresh ingredients right 
from the farms. Now some chefs are re- 
spected on the level of rock stars or 
opera singers or third basemen for the 
New York Yankees. In my case, televi- 
sion is obviously powerful. 

PLAYBOY: Celebrity chefs seem to hobnob 
with other celebrities. Has your cooking. 
brought you іп contact with any of your 
music or movie heroes? 

LAGASSE: Music and food go together. 
That's for sure. We've had people on the 
show who love food. The people who 
make music are in my life because they 
come to me for food. 1 get the best of 
both worlds. Billy Joel is a great cook 
and a great guy. I think I influenced his 
cooking a little. Certainly I think I might 
have kicked up his wine palate a few 
notches. And there is nothing like Bruce 
Springsteen pulling up in a limousine, 
saying, “Can I have one more banana 
cream pie before I leave town?” 
PLAYBOY: Are there any films that make 
you hungry? 

LAGASSE: The Godfather makes me hungry 
and puts me in one of those seductive 
moods we talked about earlier. I have 
had about four Godfather affairs with 
very close friends. I get up early in the 
morning and make a pot of red sauce 
that simmers all day and smells up the 
whole house. 1 get some really big, lus- 
cious, gutsy wines. I make a bread 
dough that proofs for several hours and 
then smells up the house, that whole 
crusty-bread thing. I get a big wheel of 
Parmesan cheese, and І make the pasta. 
Invite a few friends over and watch The 
Godfather, maybe even parts one, two 
and three. We eat pasta once or twice, 
drink a lot of red wine and eat crusty 
bread. 

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foodwise? 

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could be a piece of fish. My big meal is at 
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restaurant. We set a table for everyone 
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1 don't mind the crazy hours and the 
schedule and the pressure and the peo- 
ple and the customers. I don't have апу 
problem with that—as long as dinner- 
time comes and I get to sit down to at 
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154 


e-mail 
(continued from page 89) 

What company wants to take that risk, 
when tools such as Mimesweeper are 
available? This software is designed to 
control network content and can invisi- 
bly screen all e-mail sent to, from and 
within a company for any key words or 
phrases your bosses define. 

All intraoffice espionage is perfectly le- 
gal. The Electronic Communications Pri- 
vacy Act extends our right to private 
communications into the digital frontier, 
but the courts have repeatedly deter- 
mined that when you're using your com- 
pany's computer on the company’s net- 
work to send e-mail via the company’s 
mail server, it’s the company’s mail, not 
yours, and legal protection doesn't apply. 
On the other hand, a company’s liabili 
ty remains. Amazon.com recently initiat- 
ed an operation called Sweep and Keep, 
in which employees were awarded free 
lattes for seeking out and destroying old 
electronic mail. Once the sweep was 
completed, the company distributed a 
memo outlining its new “document cre- 
ation” policy. It pointed out that some 
information simply shouldn't be com- 
mitted to paper or e-mail. 

‘Take heart, though: Your mail is rela- 
tively safe from that small percentage of 
the hacker community that have joined 
the dark side. A successful cracker typi- 
cally depends on the unwitting assis- 
tance of someone on the inside (most 
likely, a systems manager who hasn't 
patched a well-publicized security hole 
in his company’s network, or a user who 
hasn't changed his password since Du- 
ran Duran had a hit song). A magazine 
editor marveled at how one celebrat- 
ed accused systems cracker managed to 
confront the editor about a proposed 
article on the hacker's exploits just 20 
minutes after the editor wrote about the 


project via private e-mail. In truth, the 
prevailing opinion is that the nerd 
pulled this off not by sniffing the entire 
Internet for any mention of his name (ап 
impossible feat) but by exploiting old 
passwords and weak systems and target- 
ing major media outlets. 

So what are you to do? If you want 
private e-mail to remain private, don't 
send it on your company's computers. 
Change your mail passwords often. Be 
aware that if you've set up your comput- 
er to send your account name and pass- 
word automatically when you log on, 
anyone who can double-click on your 
mail program can paw through your 
mailbox. And always remember that 
e-mail goes everywhere at once. Just be- 
cause you've deleted it from the system 
doesn't mean you've deleted it from the 
server or from the computers that main- 
tain copies of the server's data. 

If you want to take a more active de- 
fense, encrypt the text before pasting it 
into that mail message, using a commer- 
cial or freeware program that employs 
PGP, or Pretty Good Protection. PGP- 
encrypted text is supposed to be so se- 
cure that if the government tried to un- 
scramble it without the password, the job 
would keep their hardware tied up for 
years. And when you delete files that 
contain sensitive information, use a utili- 
ty (such as BCWipe for Windows—free 
from www.jetico.com, and Burn for Mac- 
intosh—thenextwave.com) that over- 
writes the data with garbage before you 
erase them—the equivalent of spray- 
painting the paper black before tossing 
it out. 

But nothing's more effective than ac- 
knowledging that electronic mail, even 
private mail, is not secure. You should 
never write anything in e-mail that you 
wouldn't put on a postcard. 


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PAT ROBERTSON 


(continued from page 84) 
obvious.” The only hint that there may 
be something stranger than a gentle, 
prayerful gesture here is his comment 
ending the prayer, forehead still fisted, 
as he invokes his special direct link to the 
almighty to effect whatever conversion, 
cure or balm he has requested. “May the 
power of the Holy Spirit touch them now 
іп Jesus’ name.” It's the now that's a little 
jarring. Robertson wants you to know 
that his prayer is not getting filed away 
in the divine in-box to be answered in 
the order in мі it was received. Then 
the elfin grin is back in place. The whole 
world may be going to hell, but Rob- 
ertson isn't. And you aren't either, my 
friends, provided you surrender to the 
Spirit now and join the cause by dialing 
this 800 number, and for just 65 cents a 
day, $20 a month. . 

Charismatic TV preacher, internation- 
al businessman, presidential candidate 
in 1988, founder of Regent University, 
would-be Third World evangelist and 
entrepreneur, self-styled political boss, 
Robertson is on a mission from God. He 
wants a godly nation, which sounds to 
his enemies like a fundamentalist Chris- 
tian state, one that might apply the 
Word to all facets of American life (much 
as the Afghan Taliban and Iranian mul- 
lahs are applying their Word). Robert- 
son denies working toward a theocracy. 
He isn't likely to start flogging women 
for showing their faces, or lopping off 
the hands of thieves, and he most cer- 
tainly wouldn't ban television (as the Tal- 
iban did). He wants a country where 
abortion is outlawed, where the Bible is 
back in schools, where “children are 
cared for by two married, heterosexual 
parents.” He wants a popular culture 
that is strictly PG, that, he says, “glorifies 
not what is seamy and sordid and violent 
but what is good, beautiful and noble.” 
He wants to combat the “white witch- 
craft, black magic and satanic worship” 
he sees behind astrology, UFOs, Zen and 
New Age religions, and he wants to en- 
courage a strictly patriarchal view of 
marriage: “Christ is the head of the 
household, and the husband is the head 
of the wife.” He wants to save the world, 
but first and mostly he wants to save 
America. 

Precinct by precinct, district by dis- 
trict, his Christian Coalition has assem- 
bled a national political machine. He 
wants school boards, town councils, city 
halls, state legislatures, Congress and the 
White House, and with those he can 
start reshaping the godless liberal judi- 
ciary as well, And he has a plan. 

“There are 175,000 precincts in the 
country, and we wanted ten trained 
workers in each one of them,” Robert- 
son told members of the Christian Coali- 
tion in an off-the-record speech at its 
annual Road to Victory conference in 


September 1997. “That's about enough 
to pretty much take the nation. But 
we're talking about a very simple thing. 
When you get it down to the school 
board races and the city council races 
and the legislative races, it is amazing. A 
few thousand votes make the difference. 
Sometimes the total vote in a state leg- 
islative race won't be more than 4000 or 
5000. So if you have a couple thousand 
people, you can do wonderful things. 
This was the power of every machine 
that has ever been in politics—you know, 
the Tammany Halls and Frank Hague 
and the Chicago machine and the Byrd 
machine in Virginia and all the rest of 
them.” 

Such talk panics Robertson's enemies, 
who see him poised to merge church and 
state. But it also delights them because 
shows the raw practical ambitions of 
religious organization, which must limit 
its participation in partisan politics if it 
wants to stay tax-exempt. The Federal 
Election Commission has sued the Coali- 
tion for violating election laws, and the 
Internal Revenue Service is still review- 
ing the group's request for tax-exempt 
status. Last spring, the IRS dropped a 
fine on CBN and revoked its tax-exempt 
status for 1986 and 1987 for contribut- 
ing to Robertson's presidential run. Af- 
ter gleefully publicizing a bootlegged 
tape of Robertson's remarks (in which 
he also told any reporters present to 
“please, shoot yourselves, leave, do 
something”), the Americans United for 
Separation of Church and State por- 
trayed the speech as a smoking gun, 
proving that Robertson may be, as they 
have labeled him, “the most dangerous 
man in America.” 

“He's a man far more interested in 
power and politics than in Providence,” 
says Barry Lynn, Americans United's ex- 
ecutive director. “His goal is the political 
takeover of this country, and that am- 
bition dwarfs his moral pursuits.” 

Occasionally goofy? Yes. An effective 
right wing political leader? Yes. But Rob- 
ertson is no corrupt political boss seek- 
ing only power. By all indications, 
Robertson is sincere. It would have been 
a lot easier in 1988, when he ran for the 
Republican presidential nomination, for 
him to sell himself as a candidate by ex- 
plaining his two-way chats with God and 
his propensity for speaking in tongues as 
excesses rooted in the early fervency of 
his conversion. But Robertson didn't. 
He stood up for the most bizarre fea- 
tures of his beliefs, even when his advi- 
sors knew he was talking himself out of 
the mainstream. There is no reason to 
disbelieve that his goal all along has been 
exactly what he says it is. 

And there is little chance Robertson 
will pull off a political takeover of this 
country. For one thing, Pat Robertsons 
have been with us since the Puritans 
were denouncing witches. A century ago 
it was the wildly popular Dwight Moody, 


who told his followers, “I look on this 
world as a wrecked vessel. God has giv- 
en me a lifeboat and said, ‘Moody, save 
all you can.'” Then there were William 
Jennings Bryan, Billy Sunday, Aimee 
Semple McPherson, Gerald Winrod, 
Charles Coughlin and Gerald L.K. 
Smith, whom H.L. Mencken called “the 
damnedest orator ever heard on this ог 
any other earth.” The wall between 
church and state still stands. 

The political strategy Robertson de- 
scribed at the Coalition's 1997 confer- 
ence is not exactly top secret stuff. Rob- 
ertson likely learned it at the knee of his 
father, Absalom Willis Robertson, who 
served in the U.S. Senate from 1946 to 
1966. Descended from a signer of the 
Declaration of Independence, the son of 
a successful Virginia politician father 
and а devoutly Christian mother, Pat 
Robertson is much the man he was 
raised to be. He was groomed for estab- 
lishment leadership—attending Wash- 
ington and Lee University and Yale Law 
School, and serving in the Marines dur- 
ing the Korean War. He graduated from 
the New York Theological Seminary but 
was always inclined to go his own мау. 
He wasn't too constrained by traditional 
family values to have gotten his wife, 
Dede, pregnant with their first son, Tim, 
before they were married. Robertson 
had founded an electronics-component 
company with several law school bud- 
dies, and was chairman of the Staten 
Island Adlai Stevenson for President 
campaign, living the life, as he would 
later put it, “of sophisticated New York 
swingers,” when a voice first spoke to 
him in his mid-20s. 

“God has a purpose for your life,” the 
voice said. Robertson's spiritual journey 
took him into the Christian ministry and 
then into charismatic circles, where wor- 
shippers shouted out prayers in what 
sounded like gibberish, but which the 
faithful believe is 2 special language of 
the Holy Spirit. This “gift” came upon 
Robertson one night after his son was 
lifted from a bad fever. 

“I felt waves of love flow over me as I 
began to give praise to Jesus,” he wrote 
in his 1972 autobiography. "'Praise your 
holy пате!" I shouted. ‘Praise you, Je- 
sus.” It was in this moment that I became 
aware my speech was garbled. I was 
speaking in another language. Some- 
thing deep within me had been given a 
voice, and the Holy Spirit had supplied 
the words.” 

Ло understand Robertson's sometimes 
confusing opinions (his strong support 
of Israel, for instance), it’s important to 
know the basic outline of his beliefs. The 
God of the Fundamentalists is a wrath- 
ful, jealous God, not the benevolent, for- 
giving ruler embodied by Jesus Christ. 
The Jews are his chosen people, and the 
Second Coming will not occur until Zion 
(Israel) is restored as a Jewish state anda 
Jewish temple is erected in Jerusalem on 


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the site of the Dome of the Rock (a sa- 
cred Muslim shrine), The world will 
be destroyed soon in a great conflagra- 
tion called Armageddon. Only the faith- 
ful will be spared. Jesus will lead his 
forces back to earth and defeat the forces 
of Satan. His faithful will then reign on 
earth with him for a thousand years. 

To become one of these sheltered 
faithful, one must be reborn in the spir- 
it, accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and 
Savior. Believers see the U.S. as a nation 
founded on Christian principles but giv- 
en over to godless secular humanists 
who banned the Bible from public 
schools and public life, and who form 
powerfully entrenched central bureau 
cracies to enforce such blasphemies as 
abortion rights, the teaching of evolu- 
tion and tolerance of homosexuality. 

Ever since Pat Robertson's conversion 
some 40 years ago, he has seen the hand 
of God in his every move. He has com- 
plete faith in everything he says and 
does, because he believes he is divinely 
guided. “I know you're not supposed to 
read the back of the book first, but I did, 
and we win,” he assured his supporters 
in 1997. “I’m on the side of victory be- 
cause I serve the victor.” 

That righteousness has survived some 
major disappointments. Gerard Thomas 
Straub, a former CBN producer who 
worked with Robertson for two and a 
half years and was dismissed after hav- 
ing an adulterous affair, struck back with 
the book Salvation for Sale. In it Straub 
recounts an eerie lecture Robertson gave 
to his staff on New Year's Day 1980, in 
which he predicts the imminent confla- 
gration. Robertson explained that in his 
conversations with God, he asked for a 
general prediction about what the next 
year would bring. In all previous years, 
he said, the Almighty predicted good 
things. In that year the answer was dif- 
ferent: "And he said, ‘It will be a year of 
sorrow and bloodshed that will have no 
end soon, for the world is being torn 
apart and my kingdom shall rise from 
the ruins of it We're not going to have 
good years anymore.” 

Robertson went on to foretell of major 
war in the Middle East, followed by sev- 
enyears of tribulation, Armageddon and 
Jesus’ return. Instead, 1980 brought the 
election of President Ronald Reagan (a 
development Robertson would later call 
“the direct act of God,” in a good sense), 
inaugurating a giddy era of deficit 
spending and illusory prosperity. The 
U.S. fought in the Persian Gulf in 1991, 
but the ground war lasted less than a 
week. Instead of escalating oil prices, fi- 
nancial collapse, unemployment, riots 
and starvation, nearly two decades later 
America has experienced the most ag- 
gressive financial growth since World 
War П. Unemployment and inflation 
are lower than they have been in de- 
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are down, illegal drug use is falli 
vorce rates have slowed, the Soviet 
Union is no more, gasoline prices in the 
U.S. hover at just over a dollar а gallon, 
and life expectancy is up. Robertson ei- 
ther was hearing God wrong or wasn’t 
hearing God at all. 

Like all determined prophets of 
doom. however, Robertson is unfazed by 
fizzled forecasts. He simply adapts. His 
views on working reform in this sinful 
world, and in this reprobate country, 
have mellowed. It’s sometimes hard to 
see how much Robertson has tempered 
his views because they remain, from a 
mainstream perspective, extreme. At the 
time of that dire homily Straub recorded 
in 1980, Robertson had yet to enter the 
political arena. He saw other Fundamen- 
talists and Evangelicals banding together 
with Jerry Falwell to start a movement 
for restoring Christian values in Ameri- 
can life, and he opted out. Eight years 
later, Robertson wasn't just politically ac- 
tive, he was running for president. God 
told him to do that, too. Early returns 
during the primary season seemed to 
suggest Providence. Robertson put up a 
strong fight in Michigan, and scored a 
major upset by finishing second in Iowa, 
establishing himself as a serious candi- 
date. Yet as his political stature grew, his 
charismatic roots began to show. His re- 
ligious zeal, which had brought him in- 
to politics, began to work against him. 
Many conservative religious voters who 
shared his basic values balked at his 
more-bizarre beliefs. 

His Midwestern organization was built 
оп an emerging framework of Christian 
activism, much of it growing out of the 
anti-abortion movement. But those ac- 
tivists, many of them Catholic, not on- 
ly didn’t share Robertson's charismatic 
faith, they found it embarrassing. Re- 
porters dug up an incident from The 
700 Club, in which the future candidate 
claimed to have turned away a hurricane 
from the Virginia shoreline with prayer. 
(Never mind the folks up in Long Is- 
land, where the storm came ashore.) 

“I was never that concerned with his 
extreme beliefs, because I never felt he 
really would be president of the United 
States,” says Marlene Elwell, a Detroit 
Catholic who as a political director with 
Robertson's campaign was a big part of 
his surprising early success in 1988. “I 
saw Pat as a vehicle for the movement. 
He is a brilliant man, and I thought he 
was a wonderful voice for Christian con- 
cerns about the moral fiber of our па- 
tion, but I didn't get involved in his cam- 
paign to see him elected president. 
1 became an important spoke in that 
wheel, but that's not why 1 joined. 

Elwell sometimes found it difficult 
working with the charismatics and Fun- 
damentalists around Robertson during 
that campaign. “I'm Catholic, and we're 
much more tolerant of other people's 
faiths,” she says. “Robertson's people 


would look at me and say, ‘You know 
you're not saved.” I struggled with it. 1 
thought, Му gosh, I'm here working as 
hard as Ican for this man, and every day 
I'm with these people with whom I have 
to defend my faith. It was quite an expe- 
rience. I was the token Catholic in the in- 
ner circle. Eventually, 1 found it to be 
fun. I would give it right back to them, 
standing up for what 1 believed. When 
they would become judgmental, con- 
demning this group or that one, I'd tell 
them, "You talk about your love for Je- 
sus, but this isn't the way he did things.” 

Elwell says she found Robertson to be 
the most open-minded fundamentalist 
Christian involved in the campaign. 

“He really opened up to others,” she 
says. “By the end of the campaign we 
had many more Catholics and main- 
stream Protestants involved in key posi- 
tions. He realized that political succ 
demanded coalition and compromise, 

Alter early successes in small states 
and those with caucuses, Robertson's 
campaign sputtered and stalled. Anoth- 
er of God's plans hadn't worked out. 

Today the religious right has more 
clout than it did in 1988, but Robertson's 
influence appears to have waned. The 
Christian Coalition's importance dimin- 
ished in 1997 with the resignation of 
Ralph Reed, who is credited with bring- 
ing a shrewd professionalism to the 
group's grassroots activism and with 
broadening and somewhat moderating 
the group's base. 

“Не can still probably turn people. He 
can aim his troops in а given way, but 
his power and influence have been de- 
fused," says William Martin, author of 
With God on. Our Side. “Reed's departure 
was a sign that the Christian Coalition 
had peaked. Reed was growing and he 
felt himself pinched between Robertson 
above him and the membership below: 
Robertson was unpredictable and the 
membership was less adaptable than 
necessary. The basic problem is that pol- 
itics is the arena of compromise, and 
compromise is anathema to staunchly 
religious people.” 


Early success emboldened Robertson. 
He saw himself as the one to usher in the 
end of the ages. It may be hard to view a 
man with the Midas touch as a failure 
(witness Robertson’s near-miraculous 
$1.9 billion sale of International Family 
Entertainment to Rupert Murdoch; see 
sidebar on page 84), but Robertson has 
never been primarily about moneymak- 
ing. His goals are far grander. Measured 
by his own standards and prophecies, he 
has tasted defeat. 

But he’s not out of the game yet. 
Robertson's influence was felt in last 
year's midterm elections. His convictions 
and money were behind an expensive 
national ad campaign against homosex- 
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and throwback social theorist Reggie 
White. The campaign indirectly sup- 
ported Republican congressional candi- 
dates who oppose legislation that would 
protect the civil rights of gays and les- 
bians. Homosexuality is an especially 
shrewd choice of issue. Most Americans 
are heterosexual and uncomfortable with 
the alternative. So the ad campaign was 
true to Robertson's agenda, but it also 
played comfortably in middle America 

Visiting Robertson's complex in Vir- 
ginia (CBN's headquarters, the Foun- 
ders Inn and Regent University) is more 
like a trip to a tidy college campus than a 
visit to a charismatic theme park. The ar- 
chitecture is Georgian, traditional red- 
brick mostly devoid of overt religious 
display. The young woman behind the 
counter at the Inn is no bubbly charis- 
matic Kewpie doll; her nails are painted 
black and she has rings through parts of 
her ears where rings have not tradition- 
ally gone. She seems appropriately fraz- 
zled by a crush of arrivals and depar- 
tures. The hotel room (apart from an 
absence of salacious video offerings) is 
no different from that of a Holiday Inn. 

At CBN's main office building, Patty 
Silverman, the network's public rela- 
tions director, descends the staircase 
with a smile. 

"We consider PLAYBOY to be porno- 
graphic, and pornography a sin," she. 
says sweetly. "It would violate our princi- 
ples to lend support to a story that would 
appear there. I talked to Pat about it, 
and that’s how he feels.” 

“If PLAYBOY is a sinner's magazine, he 
might want to consider going where the 
sinners are.” 

“Believe me, I thought about that,” 
Silverman says. “But we feel it would be 
inappropriate.” 

Robertson is not one to go where the 
sinners are. In writing about his early 
experiences as a minister in Brooklyn, 
he didn't disguise the horror he and his 
wife felt living among the unwashed. As 
they fled for the safer grounds of Vir- 
ginia Beach, Robertson wrote, “God had 
lifted from me the fear that one day he 
might send me to minister in a slum.” 
He's about the opposite. He's about cre- 
ating a comfortable home for middle- 
class Christians everywhere. That's why 
there's nothing overtly religious about 
the Founders Inn, and why the good Dr. 
Pat doesn't drop to his knees and begin 
ling off gibberish on The 700 Club. 

Robertson is a wolf in sheep's cloth- 
ing,” says Barry Lynn, of Americans 
United for Separation of Church and 
State. “He hides the nature of his ареп- 
da as much аз possible. When you hear 
him talking about restricting third tri- 
mester abortions, sounding reasonable, 
he doesn’t tell you his final destination 
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tell you he believes states should have 
the right to recriminalize birth control. 
Ralph Reed was good at stopping Pat 


from going off the deep end, so don't be 
surprised if you see Robertson showing 
his true colors more often now.” 

Perhaps. Robertson slips up now and 
then, and his enemies keep diligent 
track. On a 700 Club segment he once 
appeared to suggest that those who be- 
lieve in flying saucers and space aliens 
should be put to death. Robertson ex- 
plained that the funny-looking creatures 
described by those believers were, in 
fact, demons: "Can a demon appear as a 
slanty-eyed, funny-looking creature? Of 
course he can, or it can.” He quoted 
Deuteronomy to the effect that those 
who worship false gods ought to be 
stoned to death. He has voiced a some- 
times alarming fondness for God's ten- 
dency to wipe out entire classes of sin- 
ners. Comparing the godless secular 
humanists in power to “termites,” re- 
ported New York magazine in 1986, Rob- 
ertson called for a “godly fumigation.” 

One hopes he was speaking figurative- 
ly, but his enemies believe he meant it 
literally. The American political system, 
despite its many failings, leaves fanatics 
on the fringes. So Robertson tones down 
his rhetoric and urges compromise with- 
in the ranks of the religious right. But 
his fundamental course is set. He wants 
a presidential candidate enough to the 
right to please God and, hence, carry the 
day. What many less doctrinaire mem- 
bers of the religious right believe, how- 
ever, is that to nominate anyone who fits 
that description is to play doormat to 
Vice President Al Gore, whom Robert- 
son derides as Ozone Al 

But Robertson has no such doubts. 
Day after day, The 700 Club features sto- 
ries of those who embrace his message, 
pray with him, accept Jesus and, if you 
believe the slick corporate segments 
CBN produces, see all the pain and suf- 
fering in their lives instantly fall away: 
cancer, alcoholism, sexual perversion, 
bulimia, depression—you name it. “In 
a matter of seconds, my whole life 
changed. I stopped with the heroin and 
cocaine, and I had a desire to get off the 
methadone,” says one blissful convert, 
whose HIV infection, Robertson tells us, 
“has remained benign.” He offers an al- 
ternative vision of modern life, in which 
the poor, misguided, suffering masses, 
tormented by demons and their own sin- 
ful natures, exist far apart from the hap- 
py, blessed few. Why wouldn't a country 
want some of that, too? 

“In Jesus there are no losers,” Robert- 
son says. “Jesus Christ says, ‘You're spe- 
cial” God says, ‘I love you." What you've 
got to do is change and come into his 
covenant,” He chuckles to himself over 
the obviousness and joy of it. Eyes 
clenched, smiling, reaching with an 
open hand, he pleads, “Just pray with 
me, right now.” 


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(continued from page 122) 
made more money in the past five years 
than he did in the previous 35. You сап 
be sold on the newsletter that promis- 
es you the ten of spades, but patience is 
the ace, the strongest card you have in 
your hand. 


11 


PLAYBOY: Admit it: Every once іп a while, 
a Gardner stock pick turns out to be 
a dog. 

DAVID: Styles on Video was absolutely 
my dumbest investment. 1 introduced it 
to my investment club, where I’m the 
youngest member by about 25 years, 
and the club bought it. Styles on Video 
involved taking a picture of your face 
and then digitally changing the image 
to show a number of hairstyles. It was 
mainly for women. The company was a 
big growth business. The stock went 
from $5 to $20. The problem was that 
when presenting the product to hair sa- 
lons, the salesmen said, “Take this and 
pay us later.” The accounts receivable on 
the balance sheet mushroomed, but sales 
and carnings were what the market was 
focused on. No doubt that stock will 
always be associated with my name in 
the investment club, and it came crash- 
ing down. 

том: I invested in the CML Group, 
which made the NordicTrack. It was 
a larger company, a financially strong 
business. The problem was that Nordic- 
Track eroded overnight. It was a cum- 
bersome exercise machine, and if you 
did two or three weeks on it, you were 
tempted to call it a day and go have 
a martini. And people were reselling 
them, posting notes on bulletin boards: 
“Here's my NordicTrack, take it away. 
It's taking up too much space іп my 
house.” 


12 


ғілувоу: Baby boomers have a less than 
sparkling reputation when it comes to 
saving. Any advice from the Motley Fool 
about funding kids’ college educations? 
DAVID: I have a friend whose daughter 
has her heart set on a college out West 
that costs $30,000 per year. But there's а 
college here in the East she can attend 
that costs half as much. He can't pay the 
30 grand and he asked me what to do. 
The answer: Get her to go to the cheap- 
er school. The college experience is 
enormously overrated. If she really 
wants the expensive education, maybe 
she can contribute $10,000. There are a 
lot of high-paying jobs in California. 
том: If I had attended Brown as a non- 
paying student, nobody would have 
tracked me. І could have sat in the back 
of the classrooms. I would have spent 
time at Oliver's, a campus bar, and I 
would have come out of college looking 


like an entrepreneur somebody would 
want to hire. I would have gone for a job 
interview and said, “Here's the deal. 1 
don't have the degree, but I took all the 
classes. Here are my notes and we can 
talk about how I fit into your workplace. 
I just decided not to pay the $20,000 a 
year.” I would have been a celebrity on 
campus. 


13 


PLAYBOY: You frown on credit card debt, 
casino gambling and lotteries. Do the 
Gardners hold bluenose views on danc- 
ing and sex? 

том: I don’t dance well. Answering my 
e-mail is pretty much the beginning and 
end of my social life. What I really want 
to do is purchase a lottery ticket ev- 
ery day for the office, just to demon- 
strate that it’s putting money down the 
sinkhole. 

DAVID: I'm nota puritan. Our main point 
about a state lottery is that it’s ludicrous 
for the government to enjoy a monopoly. 
Open it up to competition. The puritan- 
ical notion would be that there should be 
no lottery at all. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Surely you can enjoy Las Vegas 
without gambling. Have either of you 
seen the Siegfried and Roy show? 

DAVID: I got snowed in once in Las Vegas 
and I wasn't interested in Siegfried and 
Roy. I gambled in the Bahamas when 1 
was underage. I've been to horse races 
where I tried to create a system, but it 
never worked. If you want to gamble, 
gamble with your friends. If you lose, 
you might as well have your friends take 
your money. 

том: I walked into a casino in Reno, 
Nevada while driving across the country 
with my friend Eric. 1 put a single quar- 
ter into a slot machine and won $50 in 
quarters. Then I went to make a tele- 
phone call, and Eric, who's usually care- 
ful with his finances, took my $50 worth 
of quarters and blew half of it while I was 
gone. Gambling casinos and the stock 
market are both speculative. Some peo- 
ple spend their entire lives trying to beat 
the casino. The nice thing about the 
stock market for gamblers is that at least 
they're making bad short-term decisions 
in a world where the market appreciates 
11 percent per year. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Isn't the ease of buying and sell- 
ing stocks on the Internet an invitation 
to trade, trade and trade some more? 

рлур: There is no question that we have 
а bunch of people in the Motley Fool 
who do not invest the way we do. It takes 
time to place the Internet in your life. 
People are more into it when they ex- 
perience the initial excitement of their 
first online stock trade or getting their 
first great airfare. Late at night is the. 


dangerous time. 1 don't read newsp: 
pers anymore. 1 have 20 sites І enjo 
half a dozen on finance and my baseball 
team page. I check to see how the North 
Carolina Tar Heels are doing and check 
new developments in computer gaming. 
I do all this at 2:30 a.m. rather than go to 
bed, which I should do since my wife is 
fast asleep. We've been married a long 
time and know each other's schedules 
well. She goes to bed around 10:30 and 
she knows J go to bed between three and 
four AM. 

Tom: I've been dragged Dave's way. I go 
to bed later now. Гуе become an e-mail 
addict. The day trader does exaaly what 
we think is really bad news, and we 
wouldn't want a first-time investor to get 
the idea that that's the way to make mon- 
ey. But that day trader may contribute 
elsewhere. He or she may say, “Be very 
careful about insurance. If you blindly 
buy a whole-life plan, you're going to get 
screwed.” 


16 


PLAYBOY: You advertise jobs on your Web 
site and claim the Motley Fool is the 
“bestest company to work for.” Do you 
keep track of employees who cross the 
street to buy lottery tickets? 

олур: We're irresponsible in terms of 
overseeing our employees because we 
don't require them to be here at any giv- 
еп time. We don't count vacation days, 
so we're definitely not counting lottery 
ticket purchases. We have a game room 
with a pinball machine, a pool table and 
a Ping-Pong table. We're probably hav- 
ing too much fun. The health care plan 
is extremely good. Our first company 
health plan was a “you don't get sick” 
plan. Now you get free X rays and you 
can pick whichever doctor you want. 
Another key benefit: stock options. We 
recently downsized a little. We needed 
some organization because we're not re- 
ally businessmen. 

том: We hired my best friend, Eric, 
who started the newsletter with us. He 
agreed to come back when we went on- 
line. And when he came to our office, 
which was then a little shack on the back 
of David’s property, he walked in and 
found 80 uncashed checks from people 
who had ordered products from us. 
Dave and I weren't managing our ac- 
counts receivable, 


17 


PLAYBOY: Do you celebrate April Fools’ 
Day in a big way? 

DAVID: Last year we took one of our pri- 
mary tenets—that 91 percent of mutual 
funds underperform the stock market— 
and published an open letter on our 
Web site that told how four years ago we 
pasted data into a shareware spread- 
sheet, which spat out the results up- 
side down. We showed graphs. We said 
our premise was incorrect and we were 


wrong, and that we were very sorry and 
hoped it hadn't affected anyone's invest- 
ments. Of the 2000 e-mails we received 
over the next 24 hours, 65 percent of the 
senders understood we were joking and 
35 percent did not. That was a shock. 
том: There were financial pros who said 
they knew our numbers were wrong, that 
the majority of funds were high perform- 
ers and that they were happy to see us fall 
flat on our faces. Two law firms said they 
were organizing class action suits against 
us. A radio show host in Charlotte said we 
should be thrown in jail. 


18 


PLAYBOY: You don't earn fees from port- 
folio management. Does Foolmart mer- 
chandise pay a large portion of the Mot- 
ley Fool's freight? 

pavip: We have good quality. We heard 


about a cop who conducted a sting oper- 
ation wearing a Fool ball cap. It’s the ul- 
timate sting garb. Anything can be made 
more fun with a little Fool on it. The 
Fool pin—sterling silver—has a happy 
іше jester. And we've got golf balls. Ac- 
tually, portfolio tracking products are 
what do very well for us. 

том: We sold 75 bell caps last year at 30 
bucks a pop. But my favorite is the Fool 
ball cap. It’s so dramatic—black with 
white lettering. You can wear a Fool tie 
into the office of your financial advisor 
when you ask why your account is up on- 
ly five percent in a year. Or if somebody 
buys a stock we're into and for some rea- 
son it doesn't do well, he can tee up a 
Fool golf ball and smack it. We should 
provide golf balls to all the brokers who 
are angry at us for telling people they 
make money based on number of trades, 
and to all mutual fund managers who 


ГАЛ Ju 


"When I think of all the screwing this will 
lead to, I never get tired.” 


161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


are angry atus for giving the basic num- 
bers on what's happening in their indus- 
try. Then they can hammer us. 


19 


PLAYBOY; Financial pros warn investors 
never to "marry a stock"—become emo- 
tionally attached to an investment—be- 
cause there may come a time when it's 
smart to bail out. Do you agree? 

DAVID: There's a lot of overlap between 
marriage and long-term investing. You 
want to buy a stock you love and try to 
hold on to и. And if you end up not sell- 
ing it, you'll have a richer life. 

‘tom: I disagree. My married friends say 
marriage is an investment with ups and 
downs. You try to stick with it, but уош ге 
evaluating it and trying to be construc- 
tively critical. The more you can become 
а partner with the business you're іп- 
vesting in, the more you can affect its 
business. You can raise questions at 
shareholder conferences. You can say, 


“You're talking ‘whirlwind romance.’ How come I’m 
hearing ‘one night stand'?" 


“This product sucks and 1 don't like it 
for these reasons.” The Internet allows 
that. When it comes to investing, and 
marriage, if you're married to someone 
and you fall in love with someone else 
and think you made a mistake with your 
first marriage, there's a way to make the 
move toward the person you're really іп 
love with. Look at how Europe treats 
marriage. 


20 


тілүвоу: Would you be able to deal with 
a young Gardner who wanted to marry a 
stockbroker? 

том: Our sister is marrying a stockbro- 
ker. He's a great guy. He's also much 
bigger than we are. We approve. We 
approve. 

DAVID: We always say there are some very 
good stockbrokers. Apparently we need 
to find out more about the guy. 


GREAT WALT OF CUINA 


(continued from page 116) 
Vincent and his amours many times. Vi- 
cariously, 1 enjoyed his ardor and envied 
his rate of success. But sometimes he be- 
came boorish about his devotion to wom- 
еп, and it became dark, off-putting. 

He continued to talk about this one 
and how much he would like to meet 
her. In addition, he stopped having din- 
ner with me and simply stared across the 
room for whatever looks he could grab. 

Frankly, I was offended and eventual- 
ly tapped him on the wrist. “What would 
you do to meet her?” 

It took him a moment to realize I had 
spoken. When what I said registered, he 
smiled slyly. “Why, do you know her?” 

"I'm asking a question, Vincent. What 
would you do to meet her? No, better, 
what would you be willing to give up to 
meet her?” 

“I don't understand.” His full atten- 
tion was mine now. He liked this—wom- 
еп апа wagers, the cost of connecting. 

“Ofcourse you do. What would you be 
willing to sacrifice to meet that woman? 
A hundred dollars? A thousand? Be- 
cause even if you did, there's по guar- 
antee of anything happening after you 
met. You might hate each other. Could 
be a very expensive rejection." 

A smug look crept over his face. “Га 
take that chance. I'd pay a couple of 
hundred dollars." 

“АП right, but you have money. That's 
easy. What else would you give ир?” 

His self-satisfied look grew. "^ month 
of Saturdays. Park Place and Boardwalk. 
‘Two women 1 already know and like. 
The Premise account. You're talking to 
an optimist here. Great women are al- 
ways worth the risk." 

The Premise account was a big one 
our company was vying for, and we all 
knew our getting it hinged on whether 
Vincent could pull it off. 

I was impressed his zeal went that far. 
“How about this: How many truly great 
memories do we have? Im talking about 
the ones carved in stone, the ones that 
define and help make us who we are.” 

His eyes narrowed. “Like the day you 
got married or the kids were born?” 

“Those, sure, but smaller ones too. 
When you and your father went to a 
hockey game and it was one of the few 
times you felt he really cared. Or when 
you took the kids to Disneyland and the 
whole day was full of love. Memories like 
that. Would you give up one of those for 
an introduction?” 

To his credit, Vincent didn't answer 
immediately. He tapped the table with 
his index finger and made a few fast cir- 
cles on it. Clockwise. Counterclockwise. 
“A bird in the hand, huh? What would I 
give up that was great in exchange for 
something that has the possibility of be- 
ing even greater?” 

“Exactly. But you couldn't cheat. It 


would have to be a big memory. One that 
you'll cherish at 80 when there's nothing 
left but memories.” 

“How would the Fates know I'm not 
cheating and just pretending that it’s a 
big one?” 

1 took a sip of wine. Good wine. Al- 
ways good wine when you dined with 
Vincent. "They'll know.” 

He crossed his arms and looked at me. 
He was taking it seriously. Then a big 
loud laugh rang out across the room and 
distracted him. We both looked toward 
that laugh and saw it came from the 
woman. Her head was thrown back, her 
mouth wide open, and her hands were 
in her hair. Her arms were long and 
bare. Beautiful arms. Hard to resist. 

Vincent's eyes slid slowly left from her 
to me. “When I was first married, Kitty 
and I spent a summer in Brittany. On 
nice days we used to pack a picnic and go 
to the ocean. I remember once we were 
sitting on a beach eating roast chicken. 
No one else was around. There are lots 
of remote spots near Vieux Bourg where 
you can be alone. Kitty stood up and 
took off her clothes. She was so beauti- 
ful. I still couldn't believe she was mine. 
When she was naked, she picked up a 
chicken leg and walked down to the wa- 
ter. She stood with her back to me, eat- 
ing and watching the sea.” He pursed his 
lips. “Гуе never forgotten that.” 

That's a beautiful memory. You'd 
give that up?” 

“It was a long time ago.” He pointed 
to the laughing woman. “Today's today.” 

1 took a roll out of the basket and, 
tearing offa piece, offered it to him. “Eat 
this." 


He looked at me quiz 
the bread and ate it. 


The nurse brought in his lunch tray 
and put it down on the table. She gave 
a bright fake smile and left again. He 
looked the food over but it was a sad 
sight, certainly compared with the ex- 
quisite meals he had eaten over the 
years. Among other dull things on the 
tray was a slice of square white bread. 
He picked it up and took a small bite. 
He chewed a few times, frowned, and 
put the rest of it back on the tray. 

"So it was the bread, huh? When I ate 
the bread that night it sealed the deal, 
right?" 

“Right.” 

"And then they transferred you to 
Washington.” 

"I've been transferred a lot. But I saw 
you that day in Prague. You two looked 
wonderful together. Just like an ad.” 

Good sport that he was, he chuckled. 
“And now that Im here, like this, you 
still won't tell me the memory 1 gave up? 
1 mean, come on, what difference does it 
make?" 


1 paused to give him hope that I was 
seriously considering the idea. But I 
wasn't. “I wish I could, Vincent. But that 
goes against the rules. I'm sorry." 

He waved it away. "It doesn't matter. 
Hey, I'm just really touched you came 
to see me. It's a great thing. It's great to 
see you." 

“Thank you. It's good to see you too." 
Naturally, I didn't tell him I went to see 
all of my clients one more time. То remi- 
nisce. And, if they hadn't figured it out 
yet, to explain. 

"But even without that one, I've got 
a lot of memories. That's all 1 do now 
anyway: lie here and run through my 
Rolodex of memories. Even Waltraud 
Pissecker. Even with her there are some 
nice things to think about." He picked 
up the bread again but put it right down. 
“You know, though, of all my memories 
one keeps coming back again and again. 
And it’s about my wife Kitty, of all peo- 
ple. Or sort of. 

"After we divorced, 1 went to Greece 
with someone nice. A small island off the 
coast of Turkey. One day we were sitting 
together on the beach and I was very 
happy, you know? My marriage was fi- 
nally over, I was free to do what I want- 
ed. Î liked it. 

"But then I saw a young woman a few 
feet away who didn't look exactly like 
Kitty but enough so that it startled me. 
And worse, she looked like Kitty when 
we were young and first married and 1 
just wanted to touch her all day long. 1 
was trying to sneak as many peeks at her 
as I could. Suddenly she stood up, took 
off her bathing suit and walked down to 
the water. Totally uninhibited. No big 
deal to her. She stood there with her 
back to us, staring out at the water like 
life and time were spread out in front of 
her like one long endless day. 

“It crushed me. Long hair down her 
back, the same legs. I looked at the 
woman I was with but she didn't matter 
anymore. All I could think was, What 
have I done? What the fuck have І done 
with my life? And you know, I can't stop. 
thinking about that moment. All the oth- 
er memories, all the good ones, the sexy, 
wild, exotic. . . . They come and go. But 
not this one. Son of a bitch. Not this 
one." 

"There was a loose thread on the cuffof 
my sports jacket. I would have to have 
that fixed. I hate shoddy workmanship. 
I sighed 

Vincent mistook the sigh for sympa- 
thy. "Don't worry about me. I'm all right. 
Really. I just get blue sometimes." 

To keep from smiling, I quoted an old 
Jewish proverb. “No шап dies with even 
half his desires fulfilled." 

He thought about that awhile and 
then smiled gratefully. “That's nice. Did 
you think that up?" 

“Just this minute,” I lied. 


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THIN RED LINE 


(continued from page 112) 
might use with success himself. 

Stein apparently felt somewhat the 
same thing himself. With only one fur- 
ther look at the handwringing, still 
weeping, but now safe McCron, Stein 
turned his head and called for the 
medic. 

“Here, sir,” the junior medic said from 
immediately below him. He had come 
up on his own. 

“Take him back. Stay with him. And 
when you get back there, tell them we 
need another medic now. At least one.” 

“Yes, sir,” the boy said solemnly. 
“Come on, Mac. That's it. Come on, boy. 
ІСІ be all right. ІСІ! all be all right.” 

“You don't understand that they're all 
dead,” МсСтоп said earnestly. “How can 
it be all right?" But he allowed himself to 
be led off by the arm. The last C-for- 
Charlie saw of him was when he and the 
medic dropped behind the second fold, 
now 75 to 100 yards behind them. Some 
of them were to see his haunted face in 
the Division’s hospital later, but the com- 
pany as a whole saw him по more. 

Stein sighed. With this last, mew crisis 
out of the way and taken care of, he 
could turn his attention back to Tella. 
‘The Italian was still screaming his pierc- 
ing wailing scream and did not seem to 
show any indication that he was ever go- 
ing to run down. If it kept on, it was go- 
ing to unnerve them all. For a fleet sec- 
опа Stein had a lurid romantic vision of 
taking up his carbine and shooting the 
dying man through the head. You saw 


that in movies and read it in books. But 
the vision died sickly away, unfulfilled. 
He wasn’t the type and he knew it. Be- 
hind him his reserve platoon, cheeks 
pressed to earth, stared at him from 
their tense, blank, dirty faces in a long 
line of white, nerve-racked eyes. The 
screaming seemed to splinter the air, 
a huge circular saw splitting giant oak 
slabs, shivering spinal columns to frag- 
ments. But Stein did not know what to 
do. He could not send another man 
down there. He had to give up. A hot 
unbelieving outraged fury seized him 
at the thought of McCron plodding lci- 
surely back through all that fire total- 
ly unscathed. He motioned furiously to 
Fife to hand him the phone, to take back 
up the call to Colonel Tall which Tella's 
first screams had interrupted. Then, just 
as he was puckering to whistle, a large 
green object of nature on his right, a 
green boulder topped by a small metal- 
lic-colored rock, rose up flapping and 
bellowing. Taking earthly matters into its 
own hands, it bounded over the crest of 
the fold growling guttural obscenities 
before Stein could even yell the one 
word, “Welsh!” The first sergeant was al- 
ready careering at full gallop down into 
the hollow. 

Welsh saw everything before him with 
a singular, pristine, furiously crystal 
clarity: the rocky thin-grassed slope, 
mortar- and bullet-pocked, the hot 
bright sunshine and deep cerulean sky, 
the incredibly white clouds above the 
towering highup horseshoe of the El- 
ephant's Head, the yellow serenity of 
the ridge before him. He did not know 


how he came to be doing this, nor why. 
He was simply furious, furious with a 
graven, black, bitter hatred of every- 
thing and everybody in the whole fuck- 
ing gripe-assed world. He felt nothing. 
Mindlessly, he ran. He looked curiously 
and indifferently, without participation, 
at the puffs of dirt which had begun now 
to kick up around him. Furious, furious. 
‘There were three bodies on the slope, 
two dead, one alive and still screaming. 
Tella simply had to stop that screaming; 
it wasn't dignified. Puffs of dirt were 
popping up all around him now. The 
clatterbanging which had hung in the air 
at varying levels all through the day had 
descended almost to ground level, now, 
and was aimed personally and explicit- 
ly at him. Welsh ran on, suppressing a 
desire to giggle. A curious ecstasy had 
gripped him. He was the target, the sole 
target. At last it was all out in the open. 
The truth had at last come out. He had 
always known it. Bellowing “Fuck you!” 
at the whole world over and over at the 
top of his lungs, Welsh charged on hap- 
pily. Catch me if you can! Catch me if 
you can! 

Zigzigging professionally, he made his 
run down. If a fucking nut like McCron 
could simply walk right out, a really 
bright man like himself in the possession 
of his faculties could get down and back. 
But when he skidded to a stop on his bel- 
ly beside the mutilated Italian boy, he 
realized he had made no plans about 
what to do when he got here. He was 
stumped, suddenly, and at a loss. And 
when he looked at Tella, an embarrassed 
kindliness came over him. Gently, still 
embarrassed, he touched the other on 
the shoulder. "How goes it, kid?" he 
yelled inanely. 

In midscream Tella rolled his eyes 
around like a maddened horse until he 
could see who it was. He did not stop the. 
scream. 

"You got to be quiet," Welsh yelled, 
staring at him grimly. "I came to help 
you." 

It had no reality to Welsh. Tella was 
dying, maybe it was real to Tella, but to 
Welsh it wasn't real, the blue-veined in- 
testines, and the flies, the bloody hands, 
the blood running slowly from the oth- 
er, newer wound in his chest whenever 
he breathed, it had no more reality for 
Welsh than a movie. He was John Wayne 
and Tella was John Agar. 

Finally the scream stopped of itself, 
from lack of breath, and Tella breathed, 
causing more blood to run from the hole 
in his chest. When he spoke, it was only 
a few decibels lower than the scream. 
“Fuck you!” he piped. “I'm dying! I'm 
dying, Sarge! Look at me! I'm all apart! 
Get away from me! I'm dying!” Again 
he breathed, pushing fresh blood from 


his chest. 


ADAM SANDLER 
(continued from page 93) 
and said, “Now that’s funny.” Truc? 
SANDLER: It's true that I have humped 
chairs, but I auditioned for the show. So 
that's lie, unless it really happened and 
1 blocked out the memory. 
PLAYBOY: What are the highlights of your 
non-show business employment? 
SANDLER: I lost a job in a drugstore for 
miscounting pills. Then I lied to get 
work as a waiter. І said I had restaurant 
experience, but after a couple days the 
manager says, "You don't know what 
you're doing." Demotes me to the 
kitchen. Now I’m working with Brazilian 
guys who speak only Portuguese. I kept 
trying to make them laugh. I took a 
hunk of filet mignon—before you slice it, 
the filet isa long piece of meat— put it up 
to my mouth and did Groucho Marx: 
“That's the most ridiculous thing I ever 
heard.” Manager walks in and sees me. 
“Adam, you're fired.” My next job was 
singing in New York subways. 
PLAYBOY. What subway stop has the best 
acoustics? 
SANDLER: Christopher Street. I liked it be- 
cause my friends would go by and say, 
“What the hell is Sandler doing now?” 
Га open up my guitar case and sing Bea- 
tles tunes. You could make $20 an hour 
that way. When I got to $20 or $25 I'd 
buy food and go write some comedy. 
PLAYBOY. Ever meet a Beatle? 
SANDLER: When Paul McCartney did Sat- 
urday Night Live we duetted on Red-Hood- 
ed Sweatshirt, one of the first songs 1 ever 
sang on the show. Well, 1 make a bigger 
deal of it than it really was. Paul just sang 
“Dip dip dip,” but he sang the shit out of 
it. And Linda sang “Shama lama ding 
don; 
PLAYBOY: That's one of the few Sandler 
tunes that doesn't get bleeped when it's 
played on the radio. There's а love song 
on your first album that goes, “Pull up 
my scrotum,/And take the shampoo bot- 
tle/Out of my ass./Pretend I'm the pizza 
delivery guy.” Modern mood music? 
SANDLER: When I tour colleges with my 
band we look out and see couples slow- 
dancing to that song. It makes you feel 
like Johnny Mathis. ГЇЇ be singing, 
“Make me push my dick and balls back 
between my legs, call me an ugly wom- 
an,” and they're gliding along together. 
It's demented, but touching. 
PLAYBOY: Your backup band is called the 
Goat Band. A goat appeared on your 
platinum second record: a foulmouthed 
goat tied to a pickup truck, looking to 
score some weed and concert tickets. 
Explain. 
SANDLER: When I first came to Los Ange- 
les I used to drive past a goat in Van 
Nuys. Every day this goat is standing їп а 
pickup. You start to wonder—what's his 
story? So one night my buddies and 1 
were driving to a Beastie Boys concert. 
We pass the goat and 1 start doing his 


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voice: “Fuck me, I’m stuck in this truck.” 
I decided the goat was from Europe. He 
gets beaten by the old man who brought 
him here, but the goat never gives up. 
He loves flowers. To me, there’s an An- 
thony Quinn feel to him. I did five min- 
utes of the goat on my record and the 
ple who buy my albums—guys from 
12 to 30 years old, mostly—got heavily 
into the goat. I had to include The Goat 
Song on my third album to give the 
goat's life story. I had to tell the whole 
saga so his fans could sleep at night. 
PLAYBOY. Do fans send you goat stuff? 
SANDLER: Gibson sent me a special goat 
guitar to take on tour. It may be the first 
musical instrument shaped like a goat. 1 
might smash it onstage sometime. But 
first I want to see if it's insured. 
PLAYBOY: Your records feature severe 
beatings of schoolteachers. How did you 
get the sound of the Spanish teacher's 
skull being smashed? 
SANDLER: Celery. You snap a stalk of cel- 
ery. We also stepped on some other 
vegetables. 
PLAYBOY: What do you consider to be 
your cinematic influences? 
SANDLER: I have seen Caddyshack 300 
times. It's the reason I got into comedy. 
Mel Brooks was a huge influence, too. 1 


couldn't believe how hard my dad 
laughed at the 2000 Year Old Man al- 
bum, and I loved anything that made 
my pops laugh. Young Frankenstein was 
the first movie I'd quote lines from. I 
couldn't get enough of -High Anxiety and 
Blazing Saddles. 

PLAYBOY: Blazing Saddles’ famed fart 
scenc—right up your alley? 

SANDLER: There are different styles of fart 
jokes. On SNL we had Kevin Kline play- 
ing a fantastic lover who had a stomach 
problem. The guy farts and ruins the 
mood. It's like the farting hypnotist on 
my record—it's funny in context. I don't 
like it when the noise itself is the joke. 
PLAYBOY: Do you prize a good pee? 
SANDLER: Always have. I remember my 
dad peeing when I was little. I'd respect 
his privacy and look the other way, but I 
listened. He was a big, big man. Some- 
times he'd have a long, minute-and-a- 
half flow and then Га high-five him. 
"Good pee, Dad!" 

PLAYBOY: You had a pee riff with Damon 
Wayans in Bulletproof. Did you do a lot of 
ad-libbing? 

SANDLER: "That's something guys think 
about. If you pee on yourself it’s not so 
bad, but if 1 pee on you, that's bad. If I 
get an animal to pee on you, or a whole 


"I'm impressed. It usually takes a man a lot longer than two 
dates to be this comfortable with me.” 


farmful of animals peeing on you all at 
once, that’s worse. 

Another ad-lib was when I said a video 
was “Seventies porno—you can tell be- 
cause the guy's dick has sideburns.” To- 
day's porn? Га say there's less of those 
nice wa-wa jams in the music, probably 
less drugs and more fake genitalia. But 
that’s just a guess. 

PLAYBOY. Most of your movie come 
sports-related. Are you a sports fan? 
SANDLER: I met Eric Lindros recently. 
He's a big, tough guy. I shook his hand 
and the whole time I was thinking, 
"You're not hitting me. Thanks for not 
beating the piss out of me.” 

I think being a fan isn’t healthy. It 
teaches you to hate the other team. But 
growing up I was a big Jets and Knicks 
fan. One of my best memories is going 
with my family to see the Knicks in the 
Walt Frazier and Earl the Pearl years. 
I'm a litle kid at the Garden, and one 
night I get to shake Phil Jackson's hand. 
This giant hand dripping with sweat. All 
the way home I kept looking at my hand 
saying, “Wow!” But there was something 
weird there, too, because I was also 
smelling it. I'm just a kid but now there's 
this hardworking ballplayer odor on me. 
I thought, Geez, I really need to wash 
my hands. 

PLAYBOY: In Bulletproof, Wayans hand- 
cuffed you to a toilet after he used it. We 
saw your disgust in a shot from below, in- 
side the bowl. Was it the first time a film 
had the PO.V. of human feces? 

SANDLER: I’m sure it’s been done. 5сог- 
sese probably did it, but maybe it landed 
on the cutting room floor. 

PLAYBOY: What's your first memory of 
SNL? 

SANDLER: Sitting with Tom Hanks ten sec- 
onds before the lights come up on my 
first skit on the air. I said, “I might faint. 
There is a good chance I'm going to 
faint.” Hanks looks over, real concerned, 
and says, “Well, don't.” 

PLAYBOY. What is your view of penis- 
enlargement surgery? 

SANDLER: If a guy has trouble changing in 
front of the boys at the golf club, there's 
a new tool for him. He can say, "Look 
here, fellows, I hit puberty late. I just 
turned 55 and all of a sudden it grew." 
PLAYBOY: Were you a typical college 
student? 

SANDLER: No, and NYU isn't a typical col- 
lege. You have no campus and no 
marching band. There's not much 
school spirit. I was a comedian in the 
Lee Strasberg acting program. Everyone 
else was pretty intense. whipping out 
the names of playwrights. We're all sup- 
posed to go onstage and dig out our 
emotions. At that time I couldn't even 
look another person in the eye. I'm 
thinking, Once I dig out my emotions, 
where do they go? 


autographs for 
а collector. 
Armstrong, 
who learned in 
1989 that she is 
HIV-positive 
and has since 
actively pro- 
moted AIDS 


The Playmates came bearing col- 
lector's cards, never-before-seen pho- 
tos and Sharpie pens. The fans came 
bearing Polaroid cameras, favorite 


past issues 
and elabo- 


rate floral ar- pe 
rangements. z 
с made sure that 
TOR her table was 
i stocked 
cago, the bi- with con- Miss November 1975 


doma and Jonet Lupo. 


pamphlets titled How to Use a 
Condom. After the first day of 
meeting and greeting, the Play- 
mates hopped on a bus and 
headed to a party at Drink, 
the Chicago nightclub. There, 
Miss October 1983 Tracy Vac- 
caro, Miss May 1998 Deanna 
Brooks, Miss April 1998 Hol- 
ly Joan Hart and Playmate of 
the Year 1988 India Allen 
took to the dance floor while 
Miss January 1993 Echo John- 
son, Miss April 1993 Nicole Wood 
and Miss July 1978 Karen Morton 
cruised the VIP room. Next up: Los 
Angeles Glamourcon. 


Indio, Devin De 
Vosquez, Echo. 


annual 

opportunity 

for average 
Joes to meet 
their dream 
girls, snag an 
autograph (or 
40) and capture them on film. The 
dozens of Playmates who attended 
the two-day affair ranged from a vin- 
tage Playmate, Miss February 1959 
Eleanor Bradley, to a newcomer, Miss 
October 1998 Laura 
Cover. Eleanor, still 
remarkable with tur- 
quoise eyes and red 
hair, took the event in 
stride. "It's wonderful 
to see Playmates and 
faces I haven't seen in 
years,” she said. 
A few tables 
away, Play- 


mm 


ing about old 
times. “I feel 
20 ycars old 
again,” DeDe 
said. The Play- 
mate with the 
most swamped ta- 
ble had to have been Miss September 
1986 Rebekka Armstrong, who at one 
point was asked to sign more than 20 


From top: Debra 
Jo Fondren, Lilian 
Miller, Korin Toylor. 


WAN 13973959159" 


Lee, Avo Fobion, Deon- 
'onesso Gleoson; Мі- 


mate of 
the Year 
d Clockwise from above: Jessica 
erg fg "о Brooks, Viciorio Fuller and V, 
Miss Au- Әсе! Bein and Victorio Sisto, Men 
gust 1967 ullough; Brandi Brandt, Jon Lo 
DeDe Lind 
were laugh- 


40 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


The February 1959 issue was 
heavy on romance. Richard Ar- 
mour wrote a humor piece called 
Girls of My Dreams, Fashion Edi- 
tor Blake Ruther- 
ford showed read- 
ers how to dress for 
an intimate fireside 
liaison and the pic- 
torial Girls in Their 
Lairs showcased 


female interpreta- 
tions of the Playboy 


Pad. But the issue's 
highlight was our 
Valentine Playmate, 
Eleanor Bradley. In 

a scene straight out 
of a dreamy beach # 
movie, the then 20- Eleonor 
year-old Eleanor gj, 
was on her first 

West Coast vacation, strolling the 
strand in Los Angeles, when 
PLAYBOY Photographer Ron Vo- 
gel discovered her. Vogel took 
some test shots, and with that 
Eleanor became Miss February 
1959, our siren by the sea. 


hew Perry and 
міз ond Fabion, 


- My 
Favorite Playmate | 
By Raymond 

Benson : 


The Playmate who continues 
to knock my socks off is Miss 
February 1980. Sandy Cagle's 

pictorial ар- 
peared during а 
bad winter in 
New York, where 
I was living at the 
time. Photogra- 
pher Pompeo Po- 
sar captured a 
secret-log-cabin- 
in-the-country 
setting, which 
complemented 
my mood. Sandy 
was cast as the 
fresh-faced beau- 
ty who is so categorically Amer- 
ican that one could swear one 
knows her—from school, work 
or the bus stop. James Bond 
would fancy Sandy because she 
loves the outdoors and is at 
home in the snow. Perhaps they 
should heat things up in one of 
my future 007 novels. 


FAN MAIL 


Dear Vanessa Gleason: 

I have been a fan of PLAYBOY for five 
years, but it wasn’t until I saw your 
Centerfold that I realized there really 
are angels on earth. I love that you 
ride horses, and that you want to bea 
horse trainer and own a stable some- 
day. There is a particular picture of 
you taking a shower that, I swear, 
‘Vanessa, makes my heart palpitate. 

1 heard from some of my friends 
who met you while you were sign- 
ing autographs at 
Tower Records 
that you are a cool, 
down-to-earth 
girl. I was happy 
to hear it, con- 
sidering that so 
many models 
are stuck-up. 
Maybe someday 
we will meet, 
but until then, 
know that you 
have made 
millions of 

young guys 
like myself 
smile. 

Yours truly, 

Mark W. 

San Diego, 
168 CA 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


By now you've probably heard 
about Playboy's X-Treme Team, the 
athletic beauties who, since 1998, 
have kicked butt in the Hi-Tec Adven- 
ture Racing Series. The race, an alter- 
native triathlon, consists of kayaking, 
trail-running and mountain-biking. 
We cornered team captain Danelle 
Folta (Miss April 1995) after her 
morning workout. 

Q: What prompted the creation of 
the X-Treme Team? 

A: I was snowboarding at Playboy 
Winterfest when someone from Hi- 
Tec, an athletic footwear company, 
said, “You're out of control. You 
should try an adventure race!” I said, 
“OK! What is it?” 
Q: Why were 
you so eager to 
try it? 

A: I guess I'm 
crazy enough 
to do anything. 
So many wom- 
en don't have 
fun with sports 
or think they 
can't participate 
in physical activi- 
ties. We're living proof they can. 

Q: Which Playmates are on the team 
now? 

A: Jennifer Lavoie, Ulrika Ericsson, 
Lynn Thomas, Kelly Monaco, Jessica 
Lee, Tylyn John, Nicole Wood and 
Alesha Oreskovich are on the team or 
have expressed interest. The more 1 
talk about it, the more my friends say, 
“I want to do that!" 

Q: What's your training regimen? 

A: We work out with a U.S. Army 
ranger, and he makes us run, lift 
weights, do push-ups, everything. Не 
helps us overcome mental obstacles, 
too. During the race, you can't get 
freaked out that you might not be 
able to complete a task. 

Q: Have other teams been receptive 
to the Playboy X-Ireme Team? 

А: At first everyone thought we were 
a joke. ESPN wanted nothing to do 
with us. Now people know how seri- 
ous we are—we're the team to beat. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS — FEBRUARY 
February 6: Miss March 1965 
Jennifer Jackson 
February 8: Miss May 1965 
‘Maria McBane 
February 12: Miss March 1972 
Ellen Michaels 


February 20: Miss December 1985 
Carol Ficatier 


February 25: Miss August 1993 
Jennifer Lavoie 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Lisa Dergan, Kelly Monaco, 
Karen McDougal and Stacy Fu- 
son flaunted their flair for come- 
dy in a skit on The Tonight Show 

With Jay Leno. In it, a Bill 
Clinton impressionist 
met with a Hef look- 

7 alike to inquire about 


Ke 


purchasing Playboy 
Mansion West as his 
\_— new home. . . . Nikki 
Schieler and Barbara Moore 
share a scene with Michael 
Caine in the 
forthcom- 
ing film The 
Debtors (al- 
50 starring 
Randy 
Quaid)... 
Victoria 
Silvstedt 
makes 
he The Playboy President. 
forthcoming Beach Movie with 
PLAYBOY cover girl Traci Bing- 
ham. . .. It’s no coincidence that 
former Baywatch lifeguard Don- 
na D’Errico looked flawless in 
her red swimsuit—she's a fitness 
enthusiast whose exercise video, 
Power and Strength, is now on 
store shelves. . . . Unfortunately, 
the 1999 Echo Johnson calendar 
we mentioned in 
September is no lon- 
ger happening. The 
good news? Echo's 
still gorgeous. . . - 
Renowned photog- 
rapher Bunny Yea- 
ger recently bonded 
with Playmates Hele- 
na Antonaccio, De- 
De Lind, Julie Mc- 
Cullough, Diane 
Hunter, Denise Mc- 
Connell, Janet Lupo, 
Lisa Baker, Patti Reynolds and 
Dolores Del Monte at the Holly- 


mokes 
it burn. 


Bunny Yeoger ond friends. 
wood Collectors and Celebrities 
show in Fort Lauderdale. Don't 
you wish you had been a fly on 
the wall? 


SSD SSE 
(continued from page 90) 
true of 100 proof Smirnoff Black. It's 
smooth and gentle, almost like a liqueur. 
Zubrowka, from Poland, is artificially 
flavored to taste like the buffalo grass 
that grows in Poland and Russia. It's a 
bit harsher than the other vodkas men- 
tioned here, but still distinctive. 


HOW то DRINK IT 


Vodka is best drunk cold. The West- 
ern standard has been purity, clarity and 
tingle, and the cleaner and crisper the 
taste, the colder you'll want it. These 
vodkas should be served ice cold in frost- 
ed glas: Russian and Polish vodkas 
have a residual taste that benefits from 
even more chilling. Drink vodka on the 
rocks if you must, but remember that it's 
already diluted with water to achieve its 
80 or 100 proof, and more water just re- 
duces the distinctive tingle. 

Vodka was originally drunk from slim, 
tall cylinders, like miniature champagne 
flutes. The glasses you use should be 
clear, with enough stem or solid bottom 
to keep your hands from warming the 
liquid. Look for oversize shot glasses, 
five or six inches tall, heavy and narrow. 


THE FLAVOR FACTOR 


What about vodkas flavored with pep- 
per and lemon and currant and orange 
and anything else you can imagine? 
They're gin, more or less. Neutral grain 
spirits with aromatics are what distillers 
in Holland had in mind when they start- 
ed adding juniper berries to their night- 
ly tipple. Which isn't to say flavored vod- 
kas aren't enjoyable. The Poles have 
been drinking Starka—powerful stuff, 
aged in Tokay barrels and infused with 
Malaga wine, which leaves it dark and 
tasty—for generations. Bur it isn't what 
most people think of as vodka. Desmond 
Begg, author of The Vodka Companion, 
says that if you feel the need to flavor 
your vodka, do it yourself. The only rule 
15 to be careful not to cloud the vodka. If 
you like it spicy, steep several chili pep- 
pers in your favorite brand. Or try lem- 
on peel, cherry pits or peaches. Or skip. 
the steeping altogether and just add a 
flavor to your glass. If you love lemon, 
try a few drops of the Italian liqueur 
Limoncello. 


YODKA ACCOMPANIMENTS 


Americans think of vodka primarily as 
an ingredient in a cocktail. In Baltic 
countries, especially Russia, it's also a 
spirit meant to be consumed with rich 
dishes, the same way drams of scotch of- 
ten accompany haggis in Scotland 

To really appreciate the finer points of 
matching vodka to food, make a reserva- 
tion at one of New York's Russian restau- 
rants. The ultrahip, subterranean Prav- 
da (281 Lafayette) stocks more than 70 
vodkas. Choose one to accompany its 


smoked-fish platter, which consists of 
sturgeon, trout, mackerel and salmon 
with blini. Baby baked potatoes served 
with caviar and créme fraiche, and 
smoked-salmon and caviar pizzas are al- 
so vodka-friendly choices. At Firebird 
(365 West 46th), buttered blini wrapped 
around marinated herring, salmon roe 
and chopped egg are served with ice- 
cold flutes of premium Stolichnaya. Chef 
Ari Nieminen pairs the restaurant's hon- 
eyed vodka with desserts, such as Russ- 
ian honeycake, roasted pears filled with 
Bavarian cream, and strawberry char- 
lotte (a kind of custard and sponge cake). 

Petrossian—whose name is synony- 
mous with caviar—has a restaurant at 
182 West 58th, where you can choose 
from 15 or so vodkas to accompany 
smoked salmon served four different 
ways: gravlax, Black Sca spiced, sliced 
paper thin and shaped into rosettes 
crowned with salmon roe, and as a thick 
Czar's cut that's as rich as a filet mignon. 


RAISE YOUR GLASSES. 


Ray Foley, the publisher of Bartender 
Magazine, contributed the following rec- 
ipes for premium vodka cocktails. Try 
them instead of vodka straight up. 


SKYY BLUE BUDDHA 
(801 SAKE BAR AND RESTAURANT, 
SAN FRANCISCO) 


2 ounces Skyy vodka 
% ounce sake 

2 ounces grapefruit juice 
Splash of blue curacao 


# ounce lemon juice 
Y ounce lime juice 
Splash of simple syrup 
Blend everything with ice, pour into 
tall glass and garnish with orange slice. 


SONIC GOLD 
(C3 RESTAURANT AND LOUNGE, NEW YORK) 


1% ounces Stolichnaya Gold 

1% ounces Campari 

Splash of cranberry juice 

Splash of tonic 

Soda water to fill glass 

Pour all ingredients except soda over 
ice in tall glass. Fill glass with soda. Stir 
and garnish with orange slice. 


CINNAMON TOAST 
(OBSERVATORY HOTEL, SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA) 


2 ounces Absolut vodka, chilled 

Ж ounce cinnamon schnapps 

1 cinnamon stick 

Swirl schnapps in martini glass and 
pour out excess. Pour Absolut into glass, 
stir with cinnamon stick and serve. 


HOTZINI 
(CHARLESTON PLACE HOTEL, CHARLESTON, 
SOUTH CAROLINA) 


2 ounces Ketel One vodka 

1 ѕеггапо pepper 

Prick буе to ten pinholes іп pepper. 
Stir Ketel One and pepper in cocktail 
shaker and chill. Strain into chilled mar- 
tini glass and add pepper. 


PHONE MY DOCTOR 
AND TELL Him THE 
PAIN IN МУ FINGER 

16 GETTING 
Worse. 


THE INTERCON 
15 oyeR HERE. 
| THAT'S THe 
| PeNCiL 


\ SHARPENER. 


e 


“ 
PREMIERES mul 9 


PLAYBOY ORIGINAL SERIES 


45th Anniversary Playmate 


PLAYBOY ORIGINAL 


m Ee она 


PREMIERES JANUARY 10 


115 


et Playboy TV ring in your New 
Year with so many reasons to cele- 
brate. First, shimmering blondes, 
smoldering brunettes and warm and 
fiery redheads set the screen ablaze 
in Playboy’s Blondes, Brunettes and 
Redheads. Then, in the adult movie 
On the Hot Track Parts | & 2 a smart 
and sexy ail-girl stock car team shifts 
into high gear, but not without their 
share of seductive twists and turns. 
Next, a journalist fails head over heels 
for the male escort she’s writing 
about in the Playboy Original Movie 
Life of a Gigolo. And in the Playboy 
Original Series Sex Court: Bad Boys, 
Bad Girls sexual wrongdoing is the 
order of the day and defendants are 
doled out sentences they can’t wait to 
serve. Finally,a time machine becomes 
the plaything for a lusty woman, played 
by Juli Ashton, and her adventure- 
some gal pals in the adult movie 
Vortex. So let Playboy TV transport 
you to another place and another 
time 24 hours a day! 


PLAYBOY 
Visit our website: 


www.playboy.com/entertainment 


Playboy TV is available from your local cable television operator 
or bome satellite, DIRECTV, PRIMESTAR, or DISH Network dealer. 


©1999 Playboy 


VA 
(ОМ-ТНЕ 


BATTLE OF 


atellite subscribers understand the rush you get the first 

time you power up a 200-channel television system. With 

the press of a button, it's TV nirvana. Seven HBOs. Forty- 

two movie channels. More sports than your office pool can 
afford. Playboy TV around 
the clock. But reality hits 
before you can say “Night 
Calls at ten.” Little things 
like your job, dinner with 
friends, the golf league— 
life, basically—make it im- 
possible to enjoy all the 
programming you're рау- 
ing for. And even if you're 
wired for just the free 


stuff (i.e., broadcast television), it 
can be a challenge to catch the shows you 
want, when you want. 

Enter ReplayTV and TiVo, two recently launched home-theater 
components with the potential to make the VCR obsolete and геу- 
olutionize the way we watch television. Here's what they have in 
common: Replay and TiVo are computer-type hard drives that 
connect to your TV or audio-video tuner, storing several hours’ 
worth of programming. With absolutely no direction, both 
machines record what you're watching. That way, if the 
phone rings, you can hit “pause” on the remote control, take 
your call and then resume viewing where you left off. Though 
you won't be watching the Bulls play the Knicks in real time, 
you also won't miss a single shot. 

That's slick. But even slicker is Replay and TiVo's ability to 
customize television viewing. Because both systems receive 
program schedules from standard broadcast, cable and satel- 
lite services, the machines know exactly what airs at any given 
time. They also receive information on individual shows, in- 
cluding actors, director, plot and genre. In other words, Re- 
play and TiVo boxes know that NYPD Blue airs at 10:00 em 
Ет, every Tuesday and is a drama starring Dennis Franz, Kim 
Delaney, etc. You can use these smarts two ways—to specify 
what you want to record (a one-button process) and to create 
custom channels. Want to record episodes of The Simpsons 
every Sunday and also reruns? You сап set ир a Simpsons 
channel that will do exactly that. Or say you're a fan of big- 
screen hottie Denise Richards. With Replay or TiVo, you hit a 
couple of buttons on your remote to create a Denise Richards 
channel. After that, any time one of her movies runs, it’s 


And in this comer: ReplayTV’s $1000 home-theater component 
stores six hours of television at better-than-VHS quality. (A 5500 
unit is expected later this year.) Features include effortless re- 
cording, channel customization and optional storage upgrades. 


WHERE а HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 151 


AY BOY 


‘SCENE 


THE BOXES 


recorded automatically. Replay warns you when your hard drive is 
getting full and allows you to decide what to dump. TiVo discards 
stored programs after a few days unless you give it other instruc- 
tions. The big difference between the two systems is TiVo's smarts. 
Thanks to its Intelligent Agent 
technology, TiVo knows which 
episodes of The Simpsons you 
have seen and optimizes hard- 
drive space by not recording 
them unless you tell it to (via 
remote). Over time, it also 
learns the types of shows you 
prefer and automatically re- 
cords similar programs—pre- 
sumably gems you would no 
longer have to miss. 

Both Replay and TiVo hope 
to have their technologies built 
into future television sets, DSS 
receivers and other home- 
entertainment components. They're also promising greater stor- 
age capacity as hard-drive prices fall. TV the way we want it? This 
is one battle we'll be watching closely. BETH TOMEW 


In this corner: TiVo is a 
$500 entertainment sys- 
tem and service with in- 
telligent technology 
that's capable of learn- 
ing your viewing pref- 
erences and recording 
20 hours of DVD-quali- 
ty shows. The $9.95 per 
month subscription fee 
covers custom channel 
options and access to ex- 
clusive TiVo programming. 


Wild Things (1995) 2 к: 

Kevin Bacon: Mat Dion. Neve Cange 

A swamp-steamy titer about wo igh 

hey accuse ol rape and hw deecive who 

Replay Channels | = 

Denise cardi ДРУ 
| sursno Toes БО — 


The Bg Lobras 


тык 


The Simpsons |6227 
[Kamp Ку. 


ТОМІ LUNTS- 
FORD knows 
how to rack ‘em 
оп her videos 
More Naked 
Girls in My 
Office and 

Soft Body 
International. 


Setting the World on Fire 

Who says people are depressed in the former 
East Germany? TILL LINDEMANN of the group. 
Rammstein is in such a good mood that he’s 
been lighting himself on fire every night. The 
metalmen’s CD Sehnsucht has already gone 
gold. Lindemann is hot stuff. 


Tara Sparkles 

TARA REID made her film debut at 15. 
She appeared in Urban Legend, The Big 
Lebowski and Days of Our Lives. You'll 
see her next in Girl. We like her dress-up 
days best. 


Mary, Mary, 
Quite Contrary 


MARY CUTRUFELLO is likely to have an unusual career. She's a Yalie and a 
country rock musician who has been touring with Greg Allman and Kenny 
Wayne Sheppard. Mary's CD, When the Night Is Through, is just the morn- 
ing of her career. 


This Knockout 
Will Knock 

You Out 

Miller Brewing spokes- 
7 model, Baywatch regular, 
Playboy video model and calendar 
girl CHRISTINE CORNELL rolled with 
the punches and came ош a winner. 


Net 

Assets 

Obsessive 90210 watchers know 
that KARI WUHRER was Ariel Hunter 
in the early Nineties. Now you can see 
her in Kissing a Fool and Ivory Tower. 


Tracy’s 

Bottom 

Is Tops 
Next time you're in 
a video store, grab 
Bare Balloon Babes 
volume eight. TRA- 
СҮ KLUTHE high- 
lights the back cov- 
er. Until then, give 
us all the credit. 


POTPOURRI 


= BUBBLE 
ES YOUR ALL THAT SMOKY JAZZ 
™ PLEASURE з E 
n During the occupation of Paris in World 
Instead of candy War II, writers, artists and members of 
and flowers this the Resistance hung out in smoky subter- 
Valentine's Day, ranean clubs while Nazis marched in the 
send a Bucket of streets. The CD Jazz 4 Saint-Germain, on 
Bubbles. Tucked in- the Higher Octave Music label, pays trib- 
% to the black acrylic ute to those Bohemian days with 14 tracks 
ж champagne bucket that include such classics as T'U Be Seeing 
4\ pictured here is a You (Francoise Hardy and Iggy Pop). 
Fy bottle of Kriter Price: about $17. Call 800-234-5043. 


Brut, two 
J| champagne 
flutes, two 
bubble-shaped 
А; scented сап- 
Ё 7 dles, a bar of 
О Champagne Ca- 
sá ress soap and a 
thong bikini (with 
a pocket contain- 
ing a miniature 
champagne bottle 
of liquid bubble so- 
lution). For the 
piece de résistance 
of bubbly bounty, a crys- 
tal-and-pearl pin designed 
in the shape of a champagne glass is included in the surprise bucket. 
The price: $89, from Bright Ideas Unlimited at 888-588-4332. When 
you call, ask about the Bright Ideas Romantic Gift of the Month Club. 
We've been told that the choice for March will definitely have a St. 
Patrick's Day spin. 


т» 


| 


| 
| BEST READ IN BED 

Love: A Century of Love and Passion by Flor- 
ence Montreynaud features 100 famous 
couples (ten for each decade), beginning 
with King Albert I and Elizabeth of Bel- 
gium and ending with Paul and Linda 
McCartney. (John and Yoko, here, are 
one of the Sixties’ couples.) Sexy topics 
such as lingerie are discussed, and there 
are 440 illustrations to savor. Price: $40. 
‘Taschen is the publisher. 


BIG ARTISTS, LITTLE BOOKS 


What did Jackson Pollock create other than drip-and-dribble paintings? 
Why do Edward Hopper's people look like aliens? Harry М. Abrams 
Publishing has the answers. Its The Essential series of compact (6”х6”) 
hardcover books on Vincent van Gogh and Salvador Dali, as well as 
Pollock and Hopper, are for “busy people who think these artists are 
important but don’t get what the big fuss is all about.” Read any of the 
four books and you'll understand. Read all four and you'll talk like an 
174 artcritic. Price: $12.95 each at bookstores. 


COURVOISIER 2000 


Cognac is perfect for а cele- 
bration, so it stands to reason 
that one of the world’s great 
cognac houses, Courvoisier, 
would introduce a brandy 
created for the millennium. 
According to master blender 
Jean-Marc Olivier, Courvoisi- 
er Millennium combines both 
Petite and Grande cognacs 
that are aged six to 12 years. 
“Smooth, with the aromas of 
prune, gingerbread and 
fruitcake" is how he describes 
it. The bottle, with its symbol- 
ic 2000, is a commemorative 
keeper. Price: about $40. 


THE ROAD TO MANDALAY 


Rudyard Kipling would have dropped dead upon seeing Man- 
dalay Bay, the Las Vegas resort on the Strip due to open soon. 
Mandalay Bay will feature a sand-and-surf beach, a three- 
quarter-mile lazy river ride, а swim-up shark tank, a huge spa, 
restaurants and nightclubs (including a House of Blues), a Four 
Seasons hotel and shops stocked with artifacts from around the 
world. Circus Circus Enterprises is the parent company. 


AFRICA CALLS 


Safari Chic by Bibi Jordan 
(840) and Safari Siyle by Tim 
Beddow and Natasha Burns 
($45) are must-reads for old 
Africa hands—and those who 
want to be. These books ex- 
plore colonial homesteads, as 
well as the safari lodges and 
camps available to visitors. 
Whether you're on your way 
to the Dark Continent or 
just dreaming of going, pick 
up a copy of Bartle Bull's 
new novel, A Café on the Nile 
Set in 1935, this entertaining 
African epic combines ro- 
mance and high adventure 
in Egypt and Ethiopia. 


BEAR WITH US 


In 1902 President Theodore Roosevelt refused 
to kill a bear cub while hunting. As a result, 
children’s stuffed bears became known as teddy 
bears. To commemorate the 140th anniversary 
of TR's birth, Steiff has brought outa 
limited-edition (4000) teddy bear dressed as 
Roosevelt, with a bear cub companion. Price: 
$500. (An antique Steiff teddy bear sold at auc- 
tion a few years ago for $170,000.) Call 212- 
779-2582 to order. 


GREAT BRAIN DRAIN 


Cranium is the ultimate icebreaker game. Play 
ers must show their skills in 14 categories, іп- 
cluding humming or whistling, sketching, 
acting, solving puzzles and spelling words back- 
ward. “The game always brings out hidden tal- 
ents,” says onetime Microsoft executive Richard 
‘Tait, one of Cranium's inventors. Along with 
the board and a timer, you get Cranium Clay 
and pads and pencils just like in the third 
grade. Price: $34.95; call 877-272-6486. 


HOMER IS HOT 


ОН, THAT TONGUE 


KISS KISS—GENE SIMMONS, THE SCARIEST TONGUE IN 
MUSIC, HAS LAUNCHED HIS BAND'S NEW TOUR WITH 40 
GORGEOUS WOMEN. IT'S ONLY ROCK AND ROLL, AND 
YOU'LL LIKE IT 


HOT TV—NOT LONG AGO, SEX ON TV WAS A PRIME-TIME 
NO-NO. NOW IT'S AN X-RATED CHATFEST LED BY A DISHY 
GROUP OF FABULOUS FEMALES. HOW DID PRIME TIME GET 
SO, WELL, PRIMAL? 


THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP QUIZ—IS YOUR LOVE LIFE 
DOOMED? ARE YOU HEADED FOR THE ALTAR OR THE 
DUMPSTER? RESEARCHER JOHN GOTTMAN HAS DE- 
VELOPED A TEST THAT'S MORE THAN 90 PERCENT ACCU- 
RATE. SHARPEN YOUR PENCILS. CRAIG VETTER GIVES 
THE EXAM 


THE YEAR IN MUSIC—POLL RESULTS AND A HALL-OF- 
FAME SURPRISE, WE CELEBRATE THE BEASTIE BOYS AND 
LAURYN HILL. PLUS, COULD IT BE? THE DEATH OF ROCK BY 
DAVE MARSH 


DREW CAREY—TV'S FAVORITE WORKING-CLASS COMIC 
MOUTHS OFF ABOUT THE EMMYS, ROSEANNE, THE TAB- 
LOIDS AND THE JOY OF CUNNILINGUS. PLAYBOY INTER- 
VIEW BY HEATHER DEAN 


NEXT MONTH: sex ano music issue 


BASEBALL BLOWS IT—HOW DO YOU TOP MARK МС- 
GWIRE, SAMMY SOSA AND THE NEW YORK YANKEES? HOW 
DO YOU SELL A SPORTS BOOM? NOT SO FAST, BUDDY. FOX 
SPORTS NEWS’ KEITH OLBERMANN CHALLENGES BASE- 
BALL'S MARKETING STRATEGIES 


THE RETURN OF LITTLE BIG MAN—JACK CRABB IS BACK. 
THIS TIME THE QUIRKY MOUNTAIN MAN TEAMS UP WITH 
WILD BILL HICKOK FOR SOME VIOLENT SCRAPES IN DEAD- 
WOOD. FICTION BY THOMAS BERGER 


RUDOLPH GIULIANI—NEW YORK'S GETTOUGH MAYOR 
TURNED 42ND STREET INTO DISNEYLAND. NOW HE HAS 
THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IN HIS SIGHTS. PLAYBOY PRO- 
FILE BY PAUL SCHWARTZMAN 


WAKE UP AND TRAIN —WANT TO PREPARE FOR A 275-MILE 
BIKE RIDE? WE OFFER THE INSIDE DOPE ON HOW TO EAT. 
BUILD STAMINA AND PROTECT THE FAMILY JEWELS. FIT- 
NESS BY JOE DOLCE 


PLUS: 200 WITH SINN FÉIN PRESIDENT GERRY ADAMS, 
THE BUZZ ON HOME RECORDING, A SNEAK PREVIEW OF 
THE MOVIE СО, A GOLF SWING FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM, 
MTV'S CARSON DALY DOES SPRING FASHION, AND PLAY- 
MATE ALEXANDRIA KARLSEN 


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, When you've found the woman of your dreams, give her the diamond of her dreams. The two 
months’ salary guideline helps you find a diamond of quality, brilliance and breathtaking 
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your jeweler. Or call 1-800-FOREVER Dept. 31 for a free diamond buying guide. 


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A DIAMOND 15 FOREVER 


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appropriately complex 4