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LAVBOY 


ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN MARCH 1999 e $4.95 


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PLAYBILL 


Kiss plays its own trademark brand of rock and roll. In fact, it's 
the only band with a copyright on face paint. This month we 
are swept up by the fierce four's resurgent, arena-packing 
juggernaut. Our Kiss kiss, which features interviews, stats, col- 
lectibles and a groupie-friendly pictorial, is a refreshing cele- 
bration of a genuine rock-and-roll circus. (That's West Coast. 
Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski in Gene Simmons’ clutches.) 
Don't miss the rest of our lar in Music 1999 (the section was 
orchestrated by Associate Editor Barbara Nellis and illustrated 
by David Plunkert). In They Can't Kill Rock & Roll, but They're Try- 
ing, PLAYBOY music critic Dave Marsh argues that radio playlists 
and video costs stifle diversity. Though you'd never know by 
two of today's standard bearers—Lauryn Hill and the Beastie 
Boys (articles by Kevin Powell and Charles M. Young, respectively). 

Cleveland rocks. Thanks to hometown hero—and sandwich 
lover—Drew Carey, this underdog city is featured weekly on the 
year's hottest sitcom. The Drew Carey Show is a look at the mid- 
dle guy—a middle manager with a middling love life—played 
by a modern-day Jackie Gleason. In a Playboy Interview with 
Heather Dean, Carey explores old wounds, such as the death of 
his father and his own suicide attempts. Then he perks up 
with tales of strippers and memories of his pierced nipples. 
Don't worry, Heather—we left in the juicy bits. 

"Those little town blues may yet bedevil New York, New 
York's mayor, Rudy Giuliani. Even though Giuliani shut down 
strip clubs and threatens to spank jaywalkers with a yardstick, 
residents of the Big Apple seem seduced by his abrasive na- 
ture. Now he wants to go national. The big question in Rudy's 
Rules by New York Daily News reporter Paul Schwartzman is 
whether Peoria will fall for Giuliani's male dominatrix rou- 
tine. Gerry Adams is a former hard-liner turned negotiator. His 
eHorts in Northern Ireland as leader of the IRA's political arm 
Sinn Féin have earned a Nobel Peace Prize—for his archrival 
David Trimble. Read his honest critique of Trimble in a re- 
markable 20 Questions by Morgan Strong. 

Last year's home-run derby unified this country in a way 
that transcends politics. Now comes the home-run hangover. 
Keith Olbermann, formerly of Sports Center and MSNBC and 
now America's most acerbic host on Fox, says it's going to be a 
dinger. Read So, What Have You Done for Us Lately? (The art- 
work is by Mike Benny.) OLBERMANN 


When Thomas Berger wrote Little Big Man, he changed the " 
к 


\ | MARSH PLUNKERT 


j 


dian killers and in rode Jack Crabb. In this month's excerpt 
from The Return of Little Big Man (Little, Brown), Crabb stag- 
gers into old friend Wild Bill Hickok and, tragically, witnesses 
the gunslinger's death. The illustration is by Winston Smith. 
Before we get to the sex part of the issue we have to make 
sure your love life is in order. Will Your Relationship Last? by 
Craig Vetter breaks down the ars amatoria into a science. The 
quiz was designed with the help of John Gottman. He's a pro- 
fessor of psychology who devised a system that predicts the 
fate of couples, with 94 percent accuracy. Revive your ardor 
by turning to Hot TV. Shows such as Ally McBeal and Dauson's 
Creek are a titillating reflection of female desire. Girls know 
who MTV's Carson Daly is. They even besiege his hotel room— 
and that was before we decked him out in vibrant suits for our 
fashion spread. For a preview of a hot new movie by the di- 
rector of Swingers, check out Go by Brendan Baber. It’s likely 
that someone from the cast of young actors will be a star. But 
who? Finally, if you insist on judging a book by its cover model, 
then Cindy Guyer is your dream date. She’s on hundreds of ro- 
mance novel illustrations—and her pictorial is a page-turner. 


way we thought about the Old West. Gone were gung-ho In- 
BER 


VETTER BABER 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), March 1999, volume 46, number 3. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboycom. Editorial: edt@playboycom. 5 


PLAYBOY 


THEY SAY 
GENTLEMEN 


ARE MAKING A 


COMEBACK 


& 
ES Y 


(HOW CONVENIENT FOR US) 


WELCOME TO CIVILIZATION 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 46, no. 3—march 1999 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYS ke y А 5 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY — E 11 
DEAR PLAYBOY. ... os 18 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. Dos 17 
MOVIES. «ымла ES du NJ, ...LEONARD MALTIN 19 
VIDEO NOU 21 
MUSIC TE Bene Об. 
WIRED Tn eh el 26 
LIVING ONLINE Feen ^ er B MARK FRAUENFELDER 28 
BOOKS od, ВЭБ mE] 
FITNESS... A E FS IGEDOLEE S0 
MEN TA tees 25535 R .ASABABER 32 
MONEY MATTERS .... н cs CHRISTOPHER BYRON 
MANTRACK m. vum E 35 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR : - x E 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM . : 5 41 
REPORTER'S NOTEBOOK—opinion ..........JOHN М. DEAN 51 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DREW CAREY—condid conversation M 53 
THE RETURN OF LITTLE BIG MAN—fiction mom THOMAS BERGER 66 
SHE'LL TAKE ROMANCE—pictorial SEIS tope 70 
WILL YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST?—article. é - CRAIG VETTER 76 
FUTURE TIME—watches АЕ .. HOLLIS WAYNE во 
GO—aride.... .... EAE x 4... BRENDAN BABER B2 
HOT TV—orticle ке М ЖЛ ОО BG. 
RUDY'S RULES—ployboy profile Я " PAUL SCHWARTZMAN 89 
INVESTING WITH LEXIE—playboy’s playmate of the month... .. 90 
PARTY JOKES—humor .. 7 = 102 
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR US LATELY?—article KEITH OLBERMANN 104 
DIY STARTER KIT—home recording ... ae BETH TOMKIW 108 
20 QUESTIONS: GERRY ADAMS. ........ 110 nee 
CARSON DALY—foshion HOLLIS WAYNE 112 
PLAYBOY MUSIC 1999 
THE ABSOLUTE POWER OF LAURYN HILL KEVIN POWELL 115 


THEY CAN'T KILL ROCK & ROLL, BUT THEY'RE TRYING .....DAVE MARSH 116 
BEASTIE BOYS TO BEASTIE MEN....... CHARLES M. YOUNG 119 


GIRLS OF KISS pictorial. . 35d x E 122 
THE YEAR IN MUSIC 5 UA E 134 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY. EE dod epa 154 
PLAYMATE NEWS B ^ с VV 163 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 5 2 сс "S ^ 167 Marketing Baseball P 104 


COVER STORY 

Kiss is in the midst of the biggest rock renaissance ever—and enjoying every 
second of it. The original monsters of rock wanted “to show the rest of the world 
what Kiss girls look like.” Get ready for the rock-and-roll fantasy of your life. 
Our cover wos produced by West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grobowski and 
shot by Arny Freytag. Thanks to Scott McClusky for styling the Kiss girls’ make- 
up ond Alexis Vogel for styling their hoir. Our Rabbit says, “The eyes have it.” 


PRINTED IN U.S.A 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL 
executive editors 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER editor; FORU 
JAMES В. PETERSEN senior staff wriler; CHIP ROWE 
associate editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STE 
VENS editor; BETH TONKIW associate editor; DAN 
HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NA 
POLITANO senior editor; BARBARA NELLIS associate 
editor; ALISON LUNDGREN junior edilor; CAROL 
ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS. 
CAROL KUBALEK. HARRIET PEASE. JOYCE WIEGAND- 
pavas editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS 
WAYNE director; JENNIFER RYAN JONES assistant 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN 
assistant editors; KEMA SMITH senior researcher; 
LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, KRISTEN SWANN Te- 
searchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANA 
HEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN 
MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, CHRIS 
TOPHER BYRON, JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, 
LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN GROSS. CYNTHIA HEIMEL 
WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO. JOE MORGEN- 
STERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors; SCOTT 
ANDERSON assistant art director; ANN хело super- 
visor, keyline/pasteup; PALL CHAN senior art assis 
lant; JASON SIMONS art assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edilor; JIM LAR- 
Son managing editor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN SUL- 
LIVAN senior edilor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY 
BEAUDET-FRANCÉS, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG., RICH- 
ARD IZUI, DAVID MECEY, BYRON. NEWMAN, POMPEO 
POSAR. STEPHEN WAYDA Contributing phologra- 
phers; GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—ch 
cago; BILL WHITE studio manager—los angeles; 
SHELLEE WELLS Stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU pholo 
archivist 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RETA JOHNSON Manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION. JODY JURGETO. KICHARD 
QUARTAROLI. TOM SIMONEK associate managers; 
BARB TEKIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU Lypesellers; BILL 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS ртертез 


CIRCULATION 
Laxey A. pjerr newsstand sales director; ritas 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; CINDY 
RAKOWITZ Communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS, advertising director; JEFF КІМ. 
MEL, new york sales manager; JOE HOFFER mid- 
west sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU marketing 
director; TERRI CARROLL research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM. MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights € permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


a a JM N 
KISS & TELL 
by Gordon б. G. Gebert and Bob McAdams 


Rock's HOTTEST TELL-ALL BOOK! 


Here's the UNAUTHORIZED "behind the scenes" look at the 
super-group KISS with true inside stories they don't want you to know. 


"... an entertaining and often hilarious account of misspent days; 
accompanying Ace Frehley. ....outrageofis and sometimes shocking... 
reminiscences border on an almost Spfhal Tap insanity and hilary. 
it's a must-read." 
KEN SHARP / THE Rock REPORT d 
FRIDAY MORNING QUARTERBACK | 

" 


"I found the Ace book very interestii 
GENE SIMMONS / METAL EDGE MAGAZINE 


"Congratulations on the book... 
1 hope you sell a gazillion copies!!! 
TED NUGENT / WWBR 102.7 


"KISS & Tell is the most inside, 
no holds barred look at KISS 

or any band, that I've ever кеа 
BUBBA THE LovE SPONGE 
WXTB - Tampa 98 ROCK RADIO: 


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FEATURING STACY E. WALKER E 


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(please add $5 for shipping) 
Pitbull Publishing 
MODEL«Former KISS Secretory Stacey E. Wolker www.siaceyewalker.com 


РО ак зара [VISA | C2 AD DESIGN“ Mike.A mike.ederols.com MAKEUP. Maureen Walsh 
Fleetwood, NY 10552-0350 ES PHOTOGRAPHER» Barry Morgenstein werw.barrymorgensteln.com 


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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 
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smooth, fresh taste. We add no artificial flavors to this blend. We're not saying these cigarettes are safer 
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THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


hef sightings, mansion frolics and nightlife notes 


HEF'S HALLOWEEN 
What's Hef doing in prison pajamas? He's a pris- 
oner of love, of course. The Playboy Mansion 
was the backdrop for ghosts, ghouls, beautiful 
women and Hollywood stars on Halloween night 
At left, Playmates Heather Kozar and Lisa Der- 
gan give the condemned man a last snuggle. Be- 
low, the pink and blue dos belong to Kelly Slater 
and Pamela Anderson. To the right from Pamela, 
Hef puts the squeeze on Courtney Love. Above 
them, Playmate Stacy Fuson is all ears. 


^ à Se 


= hy, 


OUR CAULDRON BUBBLES OVER Y 4 
Playmate Carrie Stevens (below, left) is the bee's ` 
knees. Shannen Doherty shares witchy secrets with, a 
the Dahm triplets, and, at bottom, Ben Stiller knows 


where the girls are on Halloween night. 


WISDOM 
Cover giri Katarina 
Witt is greeted in 
New York City by 
Playboy Chief Ex- 
ecutive Officer Christie 
Hefner at the kickoff party for 
he red-hot December issue. Christie al- 
So hosted the annual presentation of the Hugh M. 
Hefner First Amendment Awards, honoring individuals 
who fight for the First Amendment. 


MAMMOTH 


California 
January 22-24, 1999 


SNGW SUMMIT 


Califomia 
January 29-31, 1999 


BRECKENRIDGE 


Colorado 
February 19-21, 1999 


BOYNE 


2, Michigan 
= March 5-7, 1999 


WT SNOW 7 
` Vermont . 
March 19-21, 1999 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE 
CHICAGO ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL OEARPB@PLAYBOY.CON 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER 


SO HOT SHE MELTS ICE 
Holy salchow! Your Katarina Witt pic- 
torial (Fire & Ice, December) is one for 
the ages. What a fabulous way to end 1998. 
Cary Boshamer 
Hillsborough, North Carolina 


Katarina gives new meaning to the 
term figure skater. I will never see the 
sport in the same way again. 

Brian Hoard 
Charlottesville, Virginia 


Ever since Katarina won a gold medal 
in Calgary in 1988, I've dreamed of see- 
ing her nude. When I saw her on the 
cover of the December issue, I knew my 
dream had come true. Her pictures will 
help me endure northern Ontario's long 
and cold winter. 

Simon Fournier 
Hearst, Ontario 


Katarina is sexy, real and the antithe- 
sis of the generic, plastic-looking models 
to whom we've become so accustomed in 
the United States. 


Arch Anton 


Roanoke, Virginia 


Throughout Katarina’s long skating 
career, I had always wanted to see what 
she looks like under those gorgeous, 
sexy costumes. 

Veronica Bailey 
Jersey City, New Jersey 


1 applaud Lance Staedler for his keen 
eye and his fine work with Katarina. He 
captured her magnificent power and 
beauty in every photo. 

Evan Neumann 
Seattle, Washington 


Every man I know loves the Katarina 
Witt pictorial, and all my female friends 
happily relate to this exquisitely beauti- 
ful and natural woman 

Lydia Ruth 
New York, New York 


AVITAL MAN 
It's difficult to understand Gore Vi- 

dal's position on health care (20 Ques- 
tions, December), because he speaks out 
of both sides of his mouth. First he 
claims government has failed to avoid 
the seductive power of private money 
and influence, then he says our medical 
care should rest in the hands of this 
same government. It's an illogical argu- 
ment, and while Vidal's influence is sub- 
stantial, he is woefully ignorant with re- 
gard to this issuc. 

Frank Harris 

Irvine, California 


Gore Vidal is right to be suspicious of 
the health industry in this country and 
is correct when he states that the insur- 
ance companies own everyone. As a for- 
mer merchant marine who made fre- 
quent calls to the port of Naples, I 
applaud Vidal's choice of residence—the 
Amalfi Coast of Italy, where they have 
socialized medicine. 


Marc Meinzer 
Lakewood, Ohio 


CHASING KEVIN 
Kevin Smith (The Clerk, the Girl and the 
Corduroy Hand Job by Stephan Talty, De- 
cember) is one of the best filmmakers in 
the U.S. 
Dee Thomas 
Mt. Vernon, Kentucky 


Гуе seen all three of Smith's movies 
and hate them. His characters are vul- 
gar, profane and lazy. His latest effort, 
Dogma, appears to be more ofthe same. 

William Heyer 
"Toms River, New Jersey 


X MARKS THE SPOT 

I enjoyed your one-on-one with David 
Duchovny (Playboy Interview, December). 
I have always found his interviews en- 
tertaining, and this is especially true in 
an open, uninhibited forum such as 
PLAYBOY, which gives him room to flex 


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order to Playboy, P.0. Box 809, Source Code 
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Canadian orders accepted (please visit our 
website for other foreign orders). ©1999 Piayboy 


Visit the Playboy Store at 
www.playboystore.com 


PLAYBOY 


his wry intellect. Duchovny is an Ivy 
League poet who loves his wife, takes 
basketball way too seriously, likes to 
watch porn and goes to work knowing 
that he could be replaced at any mo- 
ment. The truth is out there: He's one 
of us. 

Jeffrey Hunt. 

South Berwick, Maine 


David Duchovny is refreshingly can- 
did. To have such a good-looking, intelli- 
gent, successful man admit to enjoying 
pornography is a wonderful validation 
for us guilt-ridden porn lovers. 

Kolya Renne 
Fort Worth, Texas 


I am shocked that Duchovny would 
speak so frankly about masturbating to 
porn. Of course everyone does it, but 
how many would admit it to the. 
of people who read rıaysoy? Evidently, 
Duchovny doesn't embarrass easily. 

Jeff Achber 
Laconia, New Hampshire 


SAIL AWAY 
Reg Potterton's article (Racing the Sav- 
age Atlantic, December) about life aboard 
an ocean racer on a long passage is in- 
credibly insightful. However, I disagree 
with him regarding the standing of 
Charlie Barr's record set on the schoo- 
ner Atlantic. Eric Tabarly broke Charlie's 
record on the French yacht Paul Ricard 
in 1980. I hope rLAYboY will publish an 
article by onc of the crew in the Race— 
an anything-goes sailboat race around 
the world at the end of the year 2000. 
Jock Tulloch 
Woodstock, Ontario 
Many people have beat Barr's time, but to 
beat Barr's record you'd have to sail in a fleet 
of full-displacement yachts on May 17. To our 
knowledge, no one has done that. 


Although money buys the best in rac- 
ing technology, there are always strings 
attached. It’s a wonder the Adela crossed 
the finish line, let alone won the race, 
considering some of her crew, Unfortu- 
nately, when it comes to American ad- 
ventures—whether sporting, economic 
or military—there is so much whining 
when a record isn't broken. Why not 
salute the effort put forth by the sailors? 
Potterton does a disservice to American 
pride. His article should have been a 
celebration. 

Thomas Mosley 
"Iruro, Nova Scotia 


A CHRISTMAS POEM 

"Twas seven weeks before Christmas 
when it finally came/The December is- 
sue, we know it by name/Katarina was 
hung on the cover with lace/While her 
smile and endowments took up some 
space/They interviewed David/In The 


14 X-Files he thrilled/Then he married Téa/ 


There's a stocking well filled/ When what 
to my wondering eyes should appear/ 
But a Twin City trio in platinum head- 
gear/All three looked good from their 
heads to their booten/Their Center- 
fold's not as big as the twins Van Bree- 
schooten/The scariest sights were a cou- 
ple of pics/The kind that would stand 
up the beard of St. Nick/One is Wil 
our mayor/I see enough in town/The 
other is fig-leafed Jim Carrey/Lord, 
keep my lunch down/My critique is now 
over/I have said my piece/I raise my 
cup to you, PLAYBOY/For this wonder- 
ful feast. 


Paul Varga 
San Francisco, California 


WHO SAYS THREE'S A CROWD? 

I'm one of a set of identical triplets, 
and I think the Dahm triplets (Three's 
Company, December) are gorgeous. If 
they are ever in South Carolina and 


would like to triple-date, my brothers 

and I would love to accommodate them. 
Patrick Gearman 
Columbia, South Carolina. 


"The Dahm triplets made a promotion- 
al appearance at the store where 1 work. 
They are as beautiful in person as they 
are in their pictorial. The best things 
come in threes. 

Robert Klaers 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


I remember watching a Hardee's com- 
mercial in which the Dahm triplets stop 
all the boys they meet dead in their 
tracks. Their PLAYBOY pictorial achieves 
the same effect and then some. 

Jeffrey Busse 
Rapid City, South Dakota 


PLAYBOY has featured twins as Center- 
folds, and now you've given us the gor- 
geous Dahm triplets. But Га like to bet 
that finding quadruplets to pose is next 


to impossible. The bet is on, and I'm 
hoping you'll win it. 

Mel Rosch 

Leonia, New Jersey 


WE'RE THE TOP, WE'RE THE COLOSSEUM 
Congratulations to PLavboY for taking 
sensuality to new heights. First, Cindy 
Crawford in October. then Katarina Witt. 
in December. It's exciting to see these 
women photographed in a natural way. 
Ben Pearson 
Arlington Heights, Illinois 


Katarina Witt, the Dahm triplets, even 
an article on global warming. If the De- 
cember issue were any hotter, it would 
burn a hole through my coffee table. 

Craig Youn; 
Rockford, Illinois 


SHHH, IT’S A SECRET 
Bruce Jay Friedman (The Secrets We 

Keep, December) believes some secrets 
should go to the grave with you. As a 
newly single person after 30 years out of 
the dating scene, I can say that keeping 
secrets in a relationship is one way to cut 
it short 

Susan Cook 

Los Angeles, California 


OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL DOLL 
My boyfriend just showed me Taylor 
Campbell's picture (Grapevine, Decem- 
ber), and I have to admit that she has a 
perfect body and a very sexy smile. 
Victoria Jones 
San Francisco, California 


Taylor is a rose in a field of daisies. She 
deserves to be a Centerfold. 
Jerry Watkins 
‘Tacoma, Washington 


One look at the adorable Taylor and I 
immediately ran out to purchase the cal- 
endar in which she appears. 

Connor O'Brien 
Los Angeles, California 


МО MORE MAYHEM 
I received the December issue just in 
time to use a quote from Michael Par- 
rish's Meteorological Mayhem! article in a 
college term paper. I've always said I 
read pLayBoY for the articles. Thanks for 
proving me right. 
Greg Morton 
Guelph, Ontario 


WELCOME TO HEF'S PLACE 
I've always been fascinated with the 
Mansion and its history—which is why I 
loved Bill Zehme's Inside the Playboy Man- 
sion (December). I can't stop fantasizing 
about how it would feel to be in Hef's 
shoes. Talk about the good life. 
Scott Milburn 
St. Charles, Minnesota 


IMPORTED 


(tive i 
Need e Pre 


IT JUST DOESN'T GET ANY SWEETER THAN THIS. 


GOOD TIMES. GOOD FRIENDS. GOOD CIGARS. 


and. «a. good. deal! 


PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


PASSION PLAY 


To see what a theater invaded by a 
Carnival parade is like, check out the De 
La Guarda troupe's show Villa Villa at 
the Daryl Roth Theater in New York. At 
each of the sold-out events, audiences 
gather on the main floor of a former 
bank. Above them, performers cast shad- 
ows on a translucent paper cciling. Then 
the actors rip through the ceiling and all 
hell breaks loose. Forget about plot—this 
is about special effects. Water pours out 
of showerheads. Acrobats bungee jump 
from the balcony. Women dance and 
wriggle through the crowd to the sound 
of congas, stopping occasionally to plant 
kisses on lucky guys. Even more strange, 
a bare-butted fellow who can only be de- 
scribed as an ass man hauls willing visi- 
tors 40 feet in the air. It all ends on a 
tribal beat with the audience dancing. 


CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF ED 


Hofstra University in Hempstead, 
New York recently hosted the world's 
first academic conference on Frank Sina- 
tra. Quincy Jones and Alan King attend- 
ed the opening ceremony and provided 
rudimentary tenets for the new branch 
of ontology we'll call Frankie's Sense. 
(Jones recalled Sinatra's telling him, 
“Live every day like it's your last, and 
one day you'll be right.”) Then the profs 
took over. Titles from the 43 panels and 
120 papers included All of Me: The Carte- 
sian Soul of Frank Sinatra; I Get No Kick 
From Assimilation, or ‘My’ Frank Sinatra 
Problem; Prophet, Padrone, Postmodern Pro- 
metheus; and the simple but intriguing 
Frank Sinatra and Belgium. Apparently 
he was one singer about whom they did 
not мае. 


HUMPING LIKE RABIDS 


Apologies to Anne Rice. A Spanish 
neurologist has floated the theory that 
vampire tales may have actually originat- 
ed with a deadly disease. In an edition 
of the medical journal Neurology, Juan 
Gomez-Alonso argues that the legends 
stem from rabies epidemics that struck 
animals in Hungary between 1721 and 
1728. Classic vampire traits correspond 


to symptoms reported in rabies victims, 
such as sensitivity to light, foaming at the 
mouth and a tendency to chomp on oth- 
er human beings. Another characteris- 
tic the bloodsuckers share with rabies 
sufferers is hypersexuality. Never mind 
Dracula's superhuman strength or his 
ability to transform himself into a bat— 
some rabies patients of yore reportedly 
“practiced intercourse up to 30 times a 
day.” Bite me! 


DAM NATION 


The first FDA-approved latex device 
for cunnilingus is making its U.S. debut 
The product, Sheer Glyde Dam, has al- 
ready made a big splash down under— 
almost a million units per year are sold 
in Australia. Poz reports that the Glyde 
Dam is "larger, thinner and silkier” than 
dental dams. Amber Hollibaugh of Gay 
Men's Health Crisis' Lesbian AIDS Proj- 
ect isn't sure if the new product will 
unseat Saran Wrap, a favorite safe-sex 
product among lesbians. Saran Wrap is 
cheap and sold everywhere, she ex- 
plains—giving rise to the underground 
phrase for a lesbian cast-off: leftovers. 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


IT'S 420. DO YOU KNOW WHERE 
YOUR CHILDREN ARE? 


Thanks to the Internet and Holly- 
wood, an obscure drug term is spread- 
ing like a weed. The number 420, stoner 
code for smoking marijuana, has been 
popping up all over the Web. And if 
you noticed that the clocks in Pulp Fic- 
tion were set at 4:20 and read this as a se 
cret signal from Quentin Tarantino, you 
must have been high. Not surprisingly, 
the term's origin is hazy. NPR recently 
tackled the subject, as did High Times. 
However, Jesse Sheidlower, the editor in 
charge of slang for Random House, isn't 
convinced of the word's root. Depend- 
ingon whom you ask, 490 is either a Cal 
ifornia police code for marijuana usc in 
progress or shorthand for April 20, the 
"Stoner New Year"—the date for prole- 
galization rallies. Then again, it may be 
the number of compounds in hemp or 
the time of day when Professor Albert 
Hofmann took the first acid trip. Or per- 
haps it's just a reference to teatime. A 
more bizarre explanation comes from 
Steven Hager of High Times, who sug- 
gests coinage in 1971 by a group of 
teenagers in Marin County who used to 
meet after school every day at 4:20 to 
toke up. We regard the confusion as just 
another example of long-term collective 
memory loss. 


NOT MADE IN HONG KONG 


Our friends at the Top 5 List (top 
five.com) have proved once again that 
the electronic media can produce a 
shock in the wrong hands. Inspired by 
reports about actual Cantoncse titles for. 
American movies (After Hours, Septem- 
ber 1998), editor Chris White posted a 
collection of spurious titles. Stripped of 
attribution, the list made the rounds and 
eventually popped up in The New York 
Times. Thing was, the titles were de- 
scribed as real—an honest if lazy mistake 
and one that gives us a perfect excuse to 
run the best of the mock titles. On the 
Top 5 List, Leaving Las Vegas became Pm 
Drunk and You're a Prostitute, while George 
of the Jungle received the billing Big Dumb 
Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With 


RAW DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


QUOTE 

“One, they speak 
English. Two, when 
they host a world 
championship, they 
invite other coun- 
tries. Three, visi- 
tors to the office 
of the head of state 
are only expected 
to go down on one 
knee."—JOHN CLEESE 
ON WHY THE BRITISH 
ARE SUPERIOR TO 
AMERICANS 


BETTER SIT DOWN 

Going price for 
the chairs used by 
mourners at the fu- 
neral of Princess Di- 
ana: $5100 each. 


$2.5 bi 


BY THE BOOK 
Percentage of U.S. 
teachers who would 
prefer to teach cre- 
ationism instead of 
evolution: 30. 


CHEESE RINDS 

According to Sports Illustrated, num- 
ber of Green Bay Packers season tic 
ets that became available last season: 
12. Number of names on the waiting 
list: 45,681. 


MEN SUCK 
Percentage increase from 1992 to 
1997 in number of men having lipo- 
suction surgery: 200. 


CIGAR AFICIONADOS 
Chances that a 16-year-old male 
has smoked a cigar in the last month: 
Lin 3. 


BANANARAMA 
Percentage increase in banana con- 
sumption by women since the Seven- 
ties: 112. 


FLOWER POWER 
According to a survey by Great Ex- 
pectations dating service, percentage 
of women who believe that a man's 
bringing flowers to a first date is a 
good idea: 55. Percentage of men 


placed with bookies or in of- 
fice pools during this year's 
63-game NCAA basketball tour- 
nament—the biggest gambling 
event after the Super Bowl. 


who said they would 
actually do it: 28. 


IT'S A GOOD 
GUY THING 
The reported male 
readership of Martha 
Stewart Living maga- 
zine in spring 1998; 
1.4 million. 


FISCAL FLAKES 

Collector's price 
for an unopened, 
mint-condition Hap- 
py Birthday Yogi 
box of 1962 Kel- 
logg's Corn Flakes: 


FACT OF THE MONTH up to $500. 
March madness: The Fed- 
eral Bureau of Investigation HIGH COST OF 
estimates that more than CLOONEY 
n in bets will be According to Smart. 


Money magazine, the 
amount Medicare 
paid per hour for 
emergency room 
procedures in 1995: 
$150,000. Amount 
NBC paid for one hour of ER in 
1998: $13 million. 


LOST HIS CROWN 
According to Women's Sports and Fit- 
ness, percentage of Americans who. 
believe Sharon Stone could kick Leo- 
nardo DiCaprio's ass: 58. Percentage 
who think Leo would prevail: 16, 


POP CULTURE 
According to the Center for Science 
in the Public Interest, number of cans 
of soda the average male teen drinks 
every year: 868. 


QUITE AN ENDORSEMENT 
Estimated number of children fa- 
thered by Pharaoh Ramses I1, name- 
sake of the Ramses condom: 160. 


PARIS IN THE SUMMER 

Percentage of French population 
that bathe every day: 47. Percentage 
of Frenchmen who change their un- 
derwear daily: 60. Percentage of all 
French people who wash their hands 

after going to the bathroom: 60. 
—LAURA BILLINGS 


Genitals. But the spoof of Face/Off —Who 
I5 Face Belonging To? 1 Kill You Again, 
Harder—never made it into print. In- 
stead, the paper of record boldly printed 
the fake take on The Crying Game: Oh No! 
My Girlfriend Has a Penis! 


COME ON DOWN 


Even national heroes get ribbed. Sign 
spotted recently ata barbecue restaurant 
in Florida near Cape Canaveral: ASTRO- 
NAUTS OVER 75 EAT FREE. 


NEWS IN BRIEF 


The firm belief that a would-be dad 
can boost his fertility by wearing boxer 
shorts instead of briefs is now officially a 
biomyth. We all know that a cool testi- 
de is a sperm-friendly testide, and for 
the high-and-tight environment of 
briefs was said to be the equivalent of a 
sweatbox. However, a study of almost 
100 men reported in the Journal of Urol- 
ogy revealed that scrotal temperature, 
sperm count and sperm motility are un- 
affected by underwear. We're sticking 
to our contention that a man's chances 
of impregnating a woman are greatest 
when he's wearing no underwear at all 


SINUS OF THE TIMES 


The weirdest set of directions we've 
encountered recently was on a bottle of 
something called High Performance Hy- 
giene Facial Dip from Fred Segal Ad- 
vanced Hygiene Products. You decide 
if this is something you'd like to do: 
"In your basin or a bowl add two capfuls 
and one tablespoonful of table salt to six 
quarts of very warm water. Allow the wa- 
ter to do the mixing. Please do not use 
your fingers. Immerse your face to cover 
your eyes and nose. Blink several times. 
With eyes closed, blow out through your 
nose. Remove face from water and blow 
your nose with a clean tissue. Repeat." 


POETIC LICENSE 


We rarely see a license plate rich with 
suggestion. Consider the Illinois plate 
we spotted recently on Lake Shore Drive 
in Chicago: м U ENDO. ‘The driver could 
be someone who specializes in the care- 
ful parsing of words, or he could be a 
proud proctologist. Or perhaps he's a 
member of Northwestern University's 
sion of endocrinology. 


GO WES! 


It seems that students at Wesleyan 
University took exception to a recent ad 
campaign that labeled the school the in- 
dependent Ivy. Upset undergrads at the 
Middletown, Connecticut campus did 
what any good students do: They pro- 
tested. To their credit, they complained 
with cleverness by pasting notices all 
over campus with slogans such as: “Ree 
bok, the independent Nike” and “Hy- 
drox, the independent Oreo.” 


MOVIES 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


She's an embittered young woman who 
has Lou Gehrig's disease. He's a failed 
artist with a cockeyed dream of building 
his own airplane. Fate brings them to- 
gether in The Theory of Flight (Fine Line), 
and they eventually form a friendship 
through which each finds the possibili- 
ty of fulfilling a dream. I'm afraid that 
this qualifies as forced whimsy, but it's 
given strength and purpose by the two 
compelling actors chosen to play the 
lead roles: Helena Bonham Carter 
and Kenneth Branagh. They 
add weight to a potentially 
maudlin script—but even 
they cannot perform magic 
on a story that never takes off. ¥¥J2 


Playing by Heart (Miramax), which once 
bore the much more interesting title 
Dancing About Architecture, is a multi- 
episodic film about relationships. Sean 
Connery and Gena Rowlands (a wonder- 
ful match) discover, on the eve of their 
40th anniversary, that he is ill. Gillian 
Anderson is a theater director pursued 
by a genuinely nice guy (Jon Stewart) 
who can't seem to break down her many 
barriers. Angelina Jolie finds a challenge 
in her latest club pickup (Ryan Phil- 
lippe), who sports an air of mystery. 
Dennis Quaid regales the women he 
meets in bars with stories of his tragic 
life. Madeleine Stowe and Anthony Ed- 
wards enjoy an illicit affair that seems to. 
have reached a dead end. And on his 
deathbed, Jay Mohr builds a relation- 
ship with his mother (the always-wel- 
come Ellen Burstyn). It's no mystery 
why so many good actors were attracted 


How bad does a film have to be for a 
studio to decide not to release it? 

Considering some of the sludge that 
makes its way to your neighborhood 
multiplex, that's a question. But every 
year, a number of feature films with 


HE VIDEO GRAVEYARD 


creditable people on both sides of the 
camera never receive theatrical re- 
lease, debuting instead on video. 
(Some films play in just a few cities to 
fulfill contractual obligations.) Body 
Count has a strong cast: David Caruso, 
Linda Fiorentino, John Leguizamo, 
Ving Rhames, Donnie Wahlberg and 
Forest Whitaker. It also has a strong 
smell. Polygram decided not to bother 
opening it in theaters (at least in this 
country) and sent it straight to video. 


Tango: Dance as high drama. 


Offbeat romance, 
off-center comedy, 
off to war. 


to this script; it's about people, not ex- 
ploding cars. But writer-director Willard 
Carroll's reach exceeds his grasp, and 
for every pearly moment (and there are 
some) there are stretches of utter dreari- 
ness, in which the mundane realities of 
life seem, well, mundane. YY 


If you saw the much-praised sleeper 
Bottle Rocket several years ago, you might. 
have an idca of what to expect from 
creators, Wes Anderson and Owen V 


But you can be sure that the actors had. 
hoped for something better. 

When so many millions have been. 
put into the production of a film, why 
wouldn't the studio give it at least a 
minimal release? The answer is mon- 
ey. With the price of 
advertising and pro- 
motion, even an or- 
dinary picture can cost between $25 
million and $50 million to open. Dis- 
tributors don't want to throw good 
money after bad. 

We've seen this happen with Incogni- 
to, which, after minor regional release, 
was issued by Warner Home Video. 
Directed by John Badham (Saturday 
Night. Fever, Nick of Time) and starring 
Jason Patric and Irene Jacob, this pret- 
ty good little picture about an expert 
art forger is certainly more entertain- 


son. Their latest film (which the pair 
wrote and Anderson directed) is Rush- 
(Touchstone), and, like its prede- 
it’s an off-center comedy that isn't 
destined to appeal to everyone. But its 
charms are as substantial as its quirks. 
Newcomer Jason Schwartzman plays 
Max, a nerdy student attending Rush- 
more Academy on scholarship; he's not 
only brilliant but also spearheads a stag- 
gering number of extracurricular activi- 
ties, from the Astronomy Club to the 
Dodgeball Society to a dramatic troupe 
for which he writes original plays. 
Max comes to the attention of a 
parent and deep-pockets supporter 
of the school (Bill Murray), and they be- 
come friends—until a rivalry for the af- 
fecüon of a first-grade teacher (Olivia 
Williams) puts them at odds. If this reads 
badly on paper, imagine what it must 
have sounded like in the pitch meeting! 
But Anderson and Wilson give it their 
special spin, and Murray is an inspired 
piece of casting as an adult who's not en- 
tirely comfortable in his own world. 
Here, finally, is a comedy that isn't sick, 
or dark, or gross—just offbeat and 
original. ¥¥¥ 


If you remember Carlos Saura's sen- 
sual Carmen, you're primed for his Bra- 
zilian-made Tengo (Sony Pictures Clas- 
sics), in which the line between the 
drama of dance and real life becomes in- 
toxicatingly blurred. The story concerns 
a middle-aged choreographer who plots 
out an ambitious theater piece that pays 
tribute to the tango while tracing the his- 
tory of Argentina. He also becomes sex- 
ually involved with his leading dancer, 
who until recently was the girlfriend of 


ing than a lot of the junk I saw in the- 
aters last year. 

1 was curious about The Maker be- 
cause it was directed by Tim Hunter 
(Tex, The River's Edge), and stars Mat- 
thew Modine, Fairuza Balk, Mary- 
Louise Parker, Jonathan Rhys Meyers 
and Michael Madsen. I could see why 
this one didn't inspire a national show- 
case: It has its moments but isn't very 
good overall. 

And I couldn't get through Nevada, 
despite a cast that includes Amy Bren- 
neman, Kirstie Alley, Gabrielle Anwar, 
Bridgette Wilson, Kathy Najimy and 
Dee Wallace Stone. 

Still, millions are spent every year 
on movies with the hope of theatrical 
play dates—and I spend time slogging 
through them on video looking for a. 
neglected gem. —LM. 


Watson: Compellingly watchable. 


OFF CAMERA 


"The world discovered Emily Wat- 
son as the waifish, emotionally fr: 
ile Scottish girl in Lars von Trier's 
provocative Breaking the Waves— 
and her performance earned her 
an Academy Award nomination. 

In real life, Watson is tall and far 
from fragile. She exudes confi- 
dence, and has the talent to back it 
up. As a result she has established 
herself as one of the most com- 
pelling actors on the screen 

In 1997 she held her own oppo- 
site the formidable Daniel Day- 
Lewis in The Boxer. (Asked about 
going toe to toe with the acclaimed 
actor, she says with a shrug, “Well, 
if you can't beat "em, join 'em.") 
Last year she practiced the cello — 
which she played for a while in her 
youth—in order to portray Eng- 
lish prodigy and concert musician 
Jacqueline du Pré in Hilary and 
Jackie. That part may well earn her 
a second Oscar nod. 

Watson's forthcoming films in- 
clude Metroland with Christian 
Bale, Tim Robbins’ much-antici- 
pated production of The Cradle 
Will Rock, and Angela's Ashes, based 
on the international best-seller by 
Frank McCourt (she mastered the 
Irish accent for The Boxer). 

Following the whirlwind of 
award nominations and trips to 
Hollywood, she admits, "After a 
while you turn around to yourself 
and say, 'Hey, girl, this is fantastic, 
what's happening to you. Just en- 
joy it.’ I think it happened to me at 
quite a good age, you know. I'm 
not 20. “Pm taking it in stride, and 
I'm trying to be sensible and enjoy 
it while it lasts." 

But it's not as if Emily Watson 
hasn't earned every bit of the ap- 
plause, and there is much more | 
to come. —LM. | 


his show's principal backer, a local racke- 
teer. The story, however, is just a frame- 
work on which to hang a series of in- 
credible dance numbers, each more 
amazing than the last, especially as 
photographed by the great Vittorio 
Storaro. УУУУ» 


Film buffs have waited 20 years for a 
new creation by the reclusive Terrence 
Malick, and The Thin Red Line (20th Gentu- 
ry Fox) is worth that wait. Entirely differ- 
ent from Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan, 
this thoughtful, sometimes poetic trea- 
tise on war in general and World War II 
in particular requires the viewer to settle 
into its slow, deliberate pace. Vignettes 
dealing with heroism, cowardice, ego- 
tism and insanity bring us closer to un- 
derstanding the way real men respond- 
ed to the enormity of fighting and killing 
in the South Pacific. Malick has done 
a fine job adapting James Jones’ novel 
about the battle of Guadalcanal, and he 
chose well in hiring cinematographer 
John Toll to help him realize his vision 
(though judicious pruning would have 
made an even stronger film). The cast 
is superb, including newcomer Jim С; 
viezel, Ben Chaplin, Sean Penn, Eli 
Koteas and a particularly forceful Nick 
Nolte. ¥¥¥/2 


Jawbreaker (TriStar) is a black comedy 
about a gang of bitches, led by Rose Mc- 
Gowan, who rule Reagan High School 
until they accidentally kill one of their 
compatriots. This might have made a 
good short subject, but 26-year-old writ- 
er-director Darren Stein's attempt to 
both spoof and pay homage to teen mov- 
ies is too inconsistent (and unoriginal) to. 
demand an hour and a half of our time. 
He goes so far as to cast Seventies teen 
movie faves PJ. Soles and William Katt 
as parents—and then doesn't even give 
them a close-up. ¥/2 


Just because a movie is nice doesn't 
mean it's bland. October Sky (Universal) is 
a heartfelt film about Homer Hickam, a 
boy growing up in a West Virginia coal- 
mining town the late Fifties. When 
he sees the Sputnik satellite streaming 
across the nighttime sky, he develops a 
determination to build his own rocket— 
in spite of the fact that he’s not a great 
student, and doesn’t have the where- 
withal to do so. His biggest stumbling 
block is his own father (Chris Cooper), 
the mine foreman who sees no future— 
and no point—in what Homer wants to 
do, when his future clearly lies inside the 
mine. The father-son relationship gives 
this movie bite and substance beyond its 
somewhat predictable feel-good surface 
story. Knowing that the story is true, and 
that Hickam went on to work for NASA, 
does indeed make you feel good. ¥¥¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Affliction (2/99) Nick Nolte gives a ter- 
rific performance in this bleak Paul 
Schrader film about a man whose life 
was stifled by his brutish father. УУ 
Another Day in Poradise (2/99) James 
Woods and Melanie Griffith play sur- 
rogate parents toa couple of screwed- 
up teens on a crime spree. УУУ 
The General (2/99) Brendan Gleeson 
plays a real-life Irish crime lord in 
John Boorman's interesting but over- 
long film. Wh 
God Said, “Ha!” (Listed only) Julia 
Sweeney's one-woman show about 
taking care of her dying brother— 
and her own bout with cancer. ¥¥/2 
Hilary and Jackie (2/99) Emily Watson 
and Rachel Griffiths are simply great 
as sisters raised as musical prodi- 
gies—but only one goes on to fame 
and fortune. yyy 
The Hi-Lo Country (Listed only) Woody 
Harrelson is ideally cast as a hellrais- 
ing cowboy in this beautifully ren- 
dered, if imperfect, film based on a 
novel by Max Evans. wu 
Hurlyburly (2/99) Sean Penn, Kevin 
Spacey, Meg Ryan and others give 
strong performances in a flat film 
version of the David Rabe play. ¥¥/2 
Jawbreaker (See review) A tiresome 
high school black comedy. ГД 
Little Voice (Listed only) Terrific film- 
ing of the London play about a 
mousy girl who can sing like Judy 
Garland. Jane Horrocks, Brenda 
Blethyn and Michael Caine star. ¥¥¥ 
October Sky (See review) A genuine 
feel-good movie based on the real 
story of a boy who became obsessed 
with rocketry in the late Fifties. УУУ 
Playing by Heart (See review) Sean Con- 
nery and an all-star cast populate this 
uneven multiepisodic film about 
relationships. a 
Rushmore (See review) A charmingly 
offbeat comedy about a nerdy super- 
student wm 
Shakespeare in Love (Listed only) A 
delicious speculation on how Will 
Shakespeare came to write Romeo and 
Juliet, with an ideally cast Joseph 
Fiennes and Gwyneth Paltrow. УУУ 
Tango (See review) Art and life inter- 
mingle as a choreographer becomes 
involved with his lead dancer. ¥¥¥/2 
The Theory of Flight (See review) Ken- 
neth Branagh and Helena Bonham 
Carter give weight to the forced 
whimsy of this story. Wh 
The Thin Red Line (See review) Terrence 
Malick’s film about the battle of Gua- 
dalcanal is a must-see. БА 


YY YY Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it. 


VIDEO 


GUEST SHOT 


^| thought that Titanic was 
just great," says NYPD 
Blue's Kim Delaney. 
“It's a spectacle. But 
underneath it all, 
it's a simple love 
story, one that 
really breaks 
your heart. 1 
don't necessar- 
ily tend toward 
love stories. | 
like real emo- 
tions and dra- 
mas. | thought. 
Chasing Amy 
was great, Good Will Hunting was amazing 
and | really liked A Thousand Acres. | adore 
Jessica Lange—to me, she can do no 
wrong, Every time she opens her mouth or 
just shows up, she's wonderful, Two of my 
favorites ere Frances and Sweet Dreams. 
| like character-oriented movies. | enjoy 
watching how people handle their relation- 
ships. But | also love movies like Liar, Liar. 
1 love Jim Carrey.” — SUSAN KARLIN 


A HIGHER CALLING 
We hope Eddie Murphy went to confes- 
sion after making that bomb Holy Man, 
for what it's worth, now on video. Mur- 
phy plays a TV mystic who can't get an 
“amen”—or a laugh. We like it better 
when being saintly has a dark side. 
The Apostle (1997): Director Robert Du- 
vall plays raving evangelist Euliss “Son- 
ny” Dewey, who falls from grace with 
Farrah Fawcett and Miranda Richard- 
son. What's wrong with this cleric? 
Wise Blood (1979): A crown of barbed 
wire is just one of the extremes nutty 
preacher Hazel Motes (crazy-eyed Brad 
Dourif) uses to promote his Church 
Without Christ. Director John Huston 
raises holy hell with Flannery O'Con- 
nor's twisted story. 
Pale Rider (1985): The black-hatted bad 
guys in this classic Western are “unfor- 
given” and dispatched to Hades by gun- 
slinging man of the cloth Preacher 
(snarly Clint Eastwood at his finest). 
Pass the Ammo (1988): Cunning Reverend 
Tim Curry has his televangelist show hi- 
jacked on the air by Bill Paxton (only to 
see the ratings go up and the money 
pour in) in this satire of Pray TV. 
Leap of Faith (1992): Phony faith healer 
Jonas Nightingale (Steve Martin) lays 
hands on curvy Lolita Davidovich and 
raises more than the dead, if you know 
what we mean. 
The Night of the Hunter (1955): Psychopath- 
ic hillbilly preacher Robert Mitchum— 
who has HATE and LOVE tattooed on his 


knuckles—is convinced God wants him 
to smite "perfume-smellin' things, lacy 
things, things with curly hair." 

Fall From Grace (1990): The sordid tale of 
TV holy man Jim Bakker and the affair 
he has with Jessica Hahn—while wife 
"Tammy Faye looks on through globs of 
mascara, Kevin Spacey, in an early per- 
formance, rocks as Bakker. 

Priest (1994): Father Greg (Linus Roache) 
wrestles with his conscience—and his 
boyfriend—in this British profile of a 
cleric who wears a collar with steel bond- 
age studs. 

1 Confess (1953): Priest Montgomery Clift 
hears a confession of murder in, well, 
confession. But church rules say he can't 
tell detective Karl Malden, and the clues 
begin pointing toward Father Clift 
Great story, but director Alfred Hitch- 
cock's heart isn't in it. 

Crimes of Passion (1984): Deranged street 
preacher Anthony Perkins spends his 
tithe on schizo prostitute China Blue 
(Kathleen Turner, wearing an assort- 
ment of provocative costumes) in an ef- 
fort to save her soul. He should have 
saved his money. Look for the steamier 
unrated version. — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


LASER FARE 
When it comes to double features, we 
think of nonfiction and fiction as two 
great tastes that go great together. Espe- 
cially this month, when director Bernar- 
do Bertolucci's seminal art-house drama 
Last Tango in Paris (1973) arrived on DVD 
(MGM, $25) the very afternoon we'd 
screened The Story of X, Chuck Work- 


GUILTY 
PLEASURE OF 
THE MONTH 


In an era of lowered: 
standards, reality 
videos stand tall 
Cops: Тоо Hot for TVI 
has inspired a bunch 
of tapes made by ро- 
lice, security cam- 
eras and citizen voy- 


eurs. The genre of 
reality videos ele- 
vates stupidity to an 
art form. At only 40 


minutes—despite lots of repeated foot- 
age—Ultimate Street Brawls (Reality) still 
packs a punch. The dash-cam pursuits of 
World's Scariest Police Chases make you 
wonder who's dumber: the cops or the 
criminals. Real TV: Extreme and Uncen- 
sored (Real Entertainment) may be cruel, 
but it has a transcendent imbecility. 


man's fascinating history of adult film. 
Naturally, the controversial Tango fig- 
ures in the latter, with Marlon Brando 
getting proper credit for putting art 
ahead of the stigma then (and, to some 
extent, still) associated with appearing in 
an X-rated production. But the docu- 
mentary's brief clips don't do justice to 
either Brando's extraordinary perfor- 
mance or Bertolucci's deeply felt story- 
telling, presented in its wide-screen glo- 
ry on DVD. — GREGORY Е FAGAN 


COMEDY 


Love and Death on Long Island (John Hurt pulls a weird Pyg- 
molion on teen idol Jason Priestley; subtle delights), Slums of 
Beverly Hills (in 90210's poorest, zoniest Jewish family, 
Natasho Lyonne hos just-grown breasts; madcap brilliance). 


Blade (Eurotrosh vampire doomsdoy unravels around comic- 
book Nosferatu Wesley Snipes), Snake Eyes (Atlantic City as- 
sossination and conspirocy bedevil sleazoid cop Nicolos 
Cage; director Brion De Polma goes nutty). 


A Friend of the Deceased (despoiring cuckold with death wish 
hos second thoughts; dry Ukrainian satire), Return to Par- 
adise (Vince Voughn's buddy dies unless he goes bock to 
Penang lo share o bum rap; affecting, if a tad too eornest). 


Next Stop Wonderland (it tokes forever for a Boston nurse to 


recognize the right, if quirky, quy; can't-miss 


fairy-tale date 


flick), Death Takes a Holiday (Grim Reaper Fredric March tries 
humanity, finds love; ot long lost on video). 


Why Do Fools Fall in Love (bigamist Fifties pop phenom 
Frankie Lymon, through hi: 
poor fools), 54 (retro disco failure is no Boogie Nights, but 
Mike Myers is riveting as club owner Steve Rubell). 


his wives’ eyes; you won't pity the 


21 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


Mighty Tasty!k 


24 


ROCK 


WHAT DOES the word supposed refer to in 
Alanis Morissette's Supposed Former Infotu- 
ation Junkie (Maverick)? Is Morissette for- 
merly an infatuation junkie or is she a 
Junkie addicted to former infatuations? 
In either case, we're looking at her as she 
looks at an array of boyfriends. She has a 
huge talent for throwing a flashlight on 
normally unilluminated moments in re- 
lationships. The music goes through as 
many shifts as the lyrics do: quiet and in- 
trospective one moment, swirling and 
terrifying the next. But it's her self-con- 
sciousness that draws you into her in- 
tense world. Take Are You Still Mad?, in 
which she lists a whole bunch of things 
she did to a boyfriend, things that would 
annoy anyone interested in kceping hi 
balls. Then she answers, of course you're 
still mad. Is that honesty? Is that conde- 
scension? Is that supposed former infat- 
uation junkieness? All of the above. 
From Texas, home of all the great 
American power trios, Honky hammers 
its riffs with demented fury on its self-ti- 
tled debut (Honest Abe's Custom Rec- 
ords). Great for setting the mood at par- 
ties, but you might want a metal detector 
at the door. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Seven years ago, brothers Chris and 
Rich Robinson of Atlanta's Black Crowes 
fired their lead guitarist, brawled in the 
studio and emerged with an underrated 
masterpiece, The Southern Harmony and 
Musical Companion. Despite their label as 
Rolling Stones clones, the Growes man- 
aged to blend churning Stones rhythms 
with huge Led Zep-style riffs. And their 
healthy obsession with R&B and gospel 
provided emotional punch. But on their 
next two albums they came across as a 
noodling, psychedelic jam band. In 1997 
the Crowes again fired their lead gui- 
tarist, had the traditional brotherly 
punch-up in the studio and finally got 
their groove back. By Your Side (Columbia) 
is a funky return to form. Robinson's vo- 
cals sound thin as he competes with the 
raging guitars, and the tempos are a bit 
frantic. Still, it's a major step in the right 
direction. The Crowes’ first four albums 
have been remixed and reissued as a 
boxed set, Sho’ Nuff, with bonus tracks 
and a live EP It's worth picking up just 
for Shake Your Moneymaker and The South- 
ern Companion. 

Bruce Springsteen is such a perfec- 
tionist that he often records twice as 
many tracks as he needs for an album. 
What happens to the leftovers? A partial 
if not entirely satisfying answer is pro- 
vided by Tracks (Columbia), which oflers 
four CDs featuring 56 previously unre- 
leased masters and ten rare B-sides. 
Springsteen has said that many of these 
songs didn't fit the mood of a particu- 


Alanis: Infatuation Junkie. 


A fix from Alanis, 
the Black Crowes fly 
and Beck mutates. 


lar album, and that's certainly true. But 
many are also second class. The fourth 
CD, with 14 unreleased songs from the 
Nineties, makes this set a must-buy. Re- 
corded mostly in Los Angeles, disc four 
is truly the great lost Springsteen album. 
On scorching rockers such as Seven An- 
gels and heart-stirring ballads such as 
Loose Change and Happy, his songwriting 
and vocal performances are soulful, 
compelling and mature. —viC GARBARINI 


It's tempting to label Pearl Jam’s Live 
on Two Legs (Epic) for fans only and mar- 
vel that it includes a version of Black, a 
great song the band rarely plays. 
leave it at that. But this single disc of. 
16 songs, recorded on Pearl Jam's 1998 
tour, also serves as the best introduction 
to its music. It draws attention to the 
rock-solid songs Eddie Vedder wrote, 
and highlights his drone, which func- 
tions as a third guitar to complement 
Stone Gossard's riffs and Mike McCrea- 
dy's leads. It establishes new drummer 
Matt Cameron (the fourth since 1991) as 
the band's steadiest and the most com- 
plementary to propulsive bassist Jeff 
Ament. More than anything, Pearl Jam 
live is a reminder that rock and roll is 
about freedom—the freedom to keep on 
Fuckin’ Up, as expressed in its version of 
Neil Young's song. 

Wayne Kramer has resumed his duties 
asa general in the guitar army with LLMF 
(Epitaph). This live album features basic 
punk rock, atonal jazz screech and beat- 


nik spoken word. With its heart in the 
streets, this is for grown-ups who haven't 
given up the hard stuff. — —DAVE MARSH 


FOLK 


On 1996's Odelay, Beck catapulted in- 
to platinum sales with a detached mix of 
hip-hop-sampling folk, and was lauded 
as a champion of postmodern irony and 
indirection. It's understandable, then, 
that his fans regard Mutations (DGC) as a 
throwaway. Postmodern it ain't. With 
Beck singing and playing over a gentle 
studio pickup band that rarely uses a 
synthesizer, this is folk-rock, pure and 
simple. It sounds as if he's keeping up 


= with the times when folk roots are being 


reimagined all the way back to Woody 
Guthrie. The album's lyrics can get woo- 
zy and depressing, but the directness of 
its arrangements and song structures is 
comfortable, the way old forms are sup- 
posed to be. Postmodernists who know 
what's good for them will learn to enjoy 
it—even if it means consorting with the 
uncool. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


RAP 


Hip-hop albums have escalated their 
pretensions. А recent example is Timba- 
land's Tim's Bio: From the Motion Picture: Life 
From da Bassment (Atlantic). Pretentious 
or not, the innovative producer and per- 
former is on firm ground in the studio, 
where his multiple drumbeats and poly- 
rhythmic keyboards define the leading 
edge of commercial hip-hop and R&B. 
On these 18 tracks, his regular crew 
(Missy Elliott, Ginuwine and Aaliyah) 
make only guest appearances. But it's 
the new collaborations that excite. Nas 
works over Timbaland's beat on To My, 
while two rookie females, Mocha and 
Babe Blue, display skills on What Cha 
Know About This. The highlight is Lobster 
and Scrimp, a funky workout that Jay-Z 
laces with funny rhymes. 

Cypress Hill's iv (Columbia) is consis- 
tent but uninspired. Nothing grabs you, 
though Dead Men Tell No Tales and Pre- 
lude to a Come-Up, featuring MC Eiht, are 
quality cuts. —NELSON GEORGE 


Insisting that his hustling tales are 
drawn from life, New York rapper Jay-Z 
honors the gangsta ethos way too much 
to suit a law-abiding square like me, and 
I found 1997's In My Lifetime easy to ig- 
nore. But the smash Vol. 2: Hard Knock Life 
(Def Jam) is hard to deny. This time, the 
beats are out front where the rest of us 
can enjoy them. The audacious Annie 
sample made the tide сш a hit. The key- 
board work of co-producer Swizz Beats 
shows signs that he listens to Philip Glass 


and Steve Reich. And whatever Jay-Z's 

moral values, the man knows how to put 

words together and say them real fast. 
—ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


GOSPEL 


Оп Looking Back: A Retrospective (DCC), 
the Dixie Hummingbirds remind us that 
they invented group harmony as we 
know it. Ira Tucker's lead vocals influ- 
enced Bobby Bland, Curtis Mayfield and 
Stevie Wonder. Guitarist Howard Car- 
roll has been called gospel's answer to 
B.B. King. On these 15 tracks, induding 
Christian Automobile, Our Prayer for Peace 
and When the Dollar Rules the Pulpit, you'll 


never hear greater gospel. —DAVE MARSH 


JAZZ 


Ray Anderson has played wild-assed 
avant-garde trombone. So when he in- 
dulges his two guilty pleasures—blues 
and funk—he's used to breaking rules. 
On Funkorific (Enja), the hyperexpressive 
Anderson unveils his new Lapis Lazuli 
Band. It's a gem, starring avant-soul 
keyboardist Amina Claudine Myers and 
the overlooked guitarist Jerome Harris. 
Myers alternately preaches and seduces 
from the organ, and she purrs along 
with the leader's growling vocals on 
songs about overactive minds (Monkey 
Talk) and middle-aged love (Damaged But 
Good). — NEIL TESSER 


There's a controversy in our office 
about jazz singer-pianist Diana Krall. Is 
she the good turtle shirt or merely the 
mock? Those who love her—the famed 
trendspotter Joe Dolce, for example— 
speak in the language of her liner notes: 
“Her voice is champagne when the bub- 
bles first hit the throat.” Then there's 
the equally estimable musicologist Leo 
Froehlich, who thinks she's an "ersatz 
jazz pianist, on the lightweight side of 
Harry Connick Jr." What's undeniable is 
that she's blonde and Canadian and ap- 
pealing, a singing piano player whose 
music is recognizably jazz. After listening 
to all of her recorded music, we offer the 
Opinion that, yes, she can bring it some. 
Her voice is musical and she has range; 
but she doesn't need to work on effects 
so much. Her phrasing is often shaky— 
maybe they don't teach internal rhymes 
in Canada. But sometimes she can really 
sell a song, especially less familiar ones. 
Check out Peel Me a Grape on Love Scene 
(Impulse) or Frim Fram Sauce on Stepping 
Out (GRP). Krall can get down with 
the smoky voice thing, but there isn't 
enough sex, er, jazz at the center of her 
music. She's a little more patient and in- 
telligent on her earlier CDs than the new 
ones. We'll call that the Bette Midler ef- 
fect. In sum, we're glad she's arriving, 
but we're not going to give up our Dinah 
Washington records. 


FAST TRACKS 


OCK 


METER 


Christgau_| Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young 
Beck 
Mutations 8 6 6 6 6 
Black Crowes 
Your Side 6 Y 7 ui РА 


Alanis Morissette 


Supposed Former 
Infatuation Junkie 


Pearl Jam 
Live on Two Legs 


Timbaland 
Tims Bio 


BETTER FED THAN TED DEPARTMENT: Ted 
Nugent was hit with a ball of tofu while 
playing Purple Haze at Los Angeles’ 
House of Blues. Was it the work ofan 
animal activist or a Jimi Hendrix fan? 

REELING AND ROCKING: Whitney Houston 
plans to star opposite Will Smith in 
the romantic comedy Anything for You. 
She will also co-produce a film about 
the Civil War that may have a part for 
hubby Bobby Brown. . . . Former Tribe 
Called Quester Q-Tip is writing a film 
script. Brandy and Diana Ross per- 
form at least six songs in the TV mov- 
ie Double Platinum which will air on 
ABC in May. Brandy is also doing a 
TV movie, The Whole Truth, with her 
brother Ray J . . . Rodiohead's docu- 
mentary, Meeting People Is Easy, has al- 
ready been released in the UK and 
will be available in the U.S. this year. 
It includes footage from the 1997— 
1998 tour. Look for a new album, 
too. . . . Primus’ Les Claypool, fresh from 
a second home video, Videoplasty, has 
formed an independent film comp: 
ny in California. Its first project is 
South of the Pump, a Claypool-penned 
thriller. 

NEWSBREAKS: John Lennon's old friend 
David Bowie plans to celebrate Len- 
non's 60th birthday in October 2000 
with a tribute album. Bowie has al- 
ready recorded Mother for the disc. . . . 
Feeling creaky? This year marks the 
30th anniversary of the Alice's Restau- 
rant movie based on Arlo Guthrie's 
song. . . . U2 hopes its next CD (to be 
released in the winter of 1999) won't 
have the same hype that Pop did. Edge 
says, "People started making judg- 
ments before they even heard it." 
Don't expect a world tour, no matter 
how well the CD is received. Edge 
said, “We're going to wait a while 
before making another commit- 
ment.” . . . Look for arcane but amus- 


ing rock trivia in the zine Оор (get 
yours for $2 cash, 4454 Pennfield 
Road, Toledo, OH 43612). Pull out 
your copy of the Stones’ 1969 concert 
album Get Your Ya-Yas Out and listen 
for the girl in the audience shouting, 
"Paint It Black. Paint It Black, you dev- 
ils." Then pick up Оор and read Joey 
Harrison's account of going to the con- 
cert with his cousin Rachel, the shout- 
er in question. Joey is famous for 15 
minutes, but Rachel is famous forev- 
er. Bruce Springsteen still isn't saying 
if the E Street Bend will get together for 
a tour, but then again, he's not ruling 
it out. . . . The last time Celine Dion an- 
nounced she was taking a year off, she 
recorded two albums and toured the 
world. As of New Year's Eve, Celine 
will be taking another year off. Who 
knows what'll happen. . . . If you log 
on to marilynmanson.net, you can 
buy a Marilyn Manson bomber jacket 
and mechanical animals—whatever 
they might look like. . . . Motley Crue’s 
store on Melrose Avenue in Los Ange- 
les, S'Crue, described by Tommy Lee as 
"rock and roll's 7-Eleven from hell,” 
sells merchandise from the band's 
tours. It's decorated with 18 years of 
rock and roll memorabilia, so it’s 
worth a look even if you don't get a 
tattoo. Tommy Lee says people con- 
gratulate him on his fabled sex tape 
with ex-wife Pamela Anderson and even 
ask him to autograph the video. “Why 
would somebody say that?” he won- 
ders. . . . Glastonbury, Europe's larg- 
est annual rock festival, has risen out 
of the mud. This June, more than 
80,000 people will boogie on higher 
ground. Look for big-name acts. . . . 
Madonna's late-night TV game show 
Truth or Dare will debut this fall. . 

Look for the Bob Merley theme park 
now open at Universal Studios in Or- 
lando. Weird, mon. — BARBARA NELLIS 


26 


WIRED 


SMALL TALK 


In the battle to create the world's small- 
est computer, IBM recently unveiled its 
edge—a fully functioning unit housed 
in stereo headphones. The device com- 
bines a hip pack containing a 233-mega- 
hertz processor, a one-inch hard drive 
and a battery. But the kicker is a color 
liquid crystal display that's no bigger 
than a postage stamp. It's attached to the 
headphones and positioned on a thin 
arm that wraps around the front of the 
face. The LCD is so close to your eye 
that, despite its size, it’s like viewing a 26- 
inch monitor. Wisely, the hardware sur- 
rounding it is translucent, which helps 
you to see where you're going when 


you're not computing. Voice-recognition 
software lets you tell the PC what to do 
via a microphone in the headset. There 
is also a small Track Point controller if 
you find yourself at a loss for words. And 
there are no compatibility problems. 
This mobile wonder runs Windows 98 
and all that software. IBM expects it to 
be on sale in Japan late this year but has 
no word yet on the name, the price or 
when it vill arrive Stateside. 

— JONATHAN TAKIFF 


NET TUNES 


A technology called MP3 has music 

fans more eager than ever to nab 
tunes off the Internet. Though the 
actual downloading process is time- 

consuming, MP3 software shrinks au- 
dio files to as little as a twelfth of their 
original size while maintaining near- 
CD-quality sound. The downloaded mu- 
sic will take up less hard-drive space and 
can be transferred (via parallel port ca- 
ble) to new portable and car stereo MP3 
players. The first portable MP3 unit is 
Diamond Multimedia's Rio PMP 300 
($200), a pager-sized personal stereo 


that boasts no moving parts. The Rio 
saves about an hour's worth of tunes in- 
ternally and uses removable flash-mem- 
ory cards for additional storage. Sam- 
sung has introduced its own portable 
MP3 unit, as have a slew of lesser-known 
companies. Now for the controversy: 
The Recording Industry Association of 
America fears MP3 will be a boon for pi- 
rates and is fighting it. To help ease the 
way, Diamond Multimedia has agreed to 
add copyright protection to its Rio units. 
"That way owners can download music 
but won't be able to duplicate their 
recordings. -— 


TEN MINUTES TO WAPNER 


A computer program stands accused of 
illegally practicing law in Texas. Yes, you 
read that right. A subcommittee of the. 
“Texas Supreme Court is suing Parsons 
Technology, the publisher of Quicken 
Family Lawyer, under a Depression-era 
law meant to protect lawyers from unac- 
credited competitors. Self-help legal-aid 
software is a burgeoning $10 million a 
year industry that the court views as a 
threat to traditional means of counsel. 
But Lone Star lawyers may have met 
their match: Berkeley, California-based 


Nolo Press (a company whose motto 
“Don't feed the lawyers. Just say No- 
lo.”) has been notified that its product, 
Living Trust Maker, is also under review 
and is facing a similar unauthorized- 
practice lawsuit. Nolo, whose Web site, 
nolo.com, features 20 categories of law- 
yer jokes along with plenty of useful le- 
gal information, went directly to the 
Texas Supreme Court and filed a coun- 
tersuit. The case is pending, and we're 
laughing. — JOSHUA GREEN 


WILD THINGS__ 


E-mail addicts will appreciate the convenience of Sharp's new TelMail TM-20, a palm- 
sized gadget that lets you send and receive messages of up to 4000 characters from 
the rood—no phone jacks required. Here’s how the TM-20 works: Just hold the TelMail 
unit against the handset of any touch-tone phone (as demonstrated in the photo inset). 
Then dial a toll-free number and wait a few seconds while a series of acoustic signals 
sends and receives messages and delivers faxes. The device doubles as an organizer 
with a colendar and address book. The price: $150, plus $9.95 per month, which cov- 
ers the cost of a personal e-mail address and all transmissions, including messages 


forwarded from Internet or America Online 


accounts. — BETH TOMKIW 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 154, 


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28 


LIVING ONLINE 


MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC 

Last Friday, 1 became an MP3 music 
pirate. It wasn't hard. First, 1 went to 
billboard.com and looked up the name 
of the current number-one single: Doo 
Wop (That Thing), by Lauryn Hill. Next, I 
went to scour.net (a multimedia search. 
engine) and looked for audio files match- 
ing “lauryn+hill+wop.” More than a 
thousand different pirate sites offered 
the song in MP3 format, which squeezes 
songs toa twelfth the size ofan audio CD 
file (or about a megabyte per minute of 
music). 

I clicked the first link on scour.net— 
"Error." Either 1 didn't have permission 
to access the site, or the site had already 
folded up and moved on. Same with the 
sccond, third, fourth and 
fifth links. I hit pay dirt оп 
the sixth link. The five- 
megabyte file started flow- 
ing onto my hard disk. Fif- 
teen minutes later 1 was 
listening to the song from 
my laptop speakers, using 
a shareware MP3 player 
I got from winamp.com 
(macamp.com offers play- 
ers for Apple users). If I 
had a CD burner (around 
$200, and dropping by 
the month) I could burn 
the song onto my own au- 
dio CD. 

Or, if 1 had the Walk- 
man-like MP3 player from 
Diamond, called the Rio 
(also around $200, see di 
amondmm.com), I could 
listen to the song any- 
where. Samsung—the 
South Korean electronics 
giant—is going to bring 
out an MP3 reader the 
size of a credit card. It will 
be called Yepp, as in yep, I 
get some cool music here. 
There are reports about 
other companies and oth- 
er models, although many manufactur- 
ers have been hesitant to antagonize the 
recording industry. Imagine the dilem- 
ma for Sony, which is now a music indus- 
try force. Will they resist MP3, or decide 
to manufacture a state-of-the-art ver- 
sion of a Walkman for the new digital 
technology? 

Searching for pirated MP3s delivers 
an illicit thrill the first couple times you 
try it, but after a while the dead-link fac- 
tor kills the fun. A better way to get mu- 
sic on the Net is from legal MP3 sites. 
Plenty of songs from labels and bands 
who want exposure are offered at mp3. 
com. 1 downloaded Kansas” Dust in the 
Wind just to see if it sounded as over- 
wrought and silly today as it did in the 


Scventies. (Yep.) You can also buy MP3 
tracks from new and old artists starting 
at a buck apicce at sites such as good 
noise.com and nordicdms.com. Look for 
the major labels to join the MP3 fray 
soon, too. 


LET YOUR SHOPPING AGENT 
DO THE WALKING 

ПУ easier than ever to spend your 
money online. Fortunately, it’s also easi- 
er to save money. To find the best deal 
on computer equipment, consumer elec- 
tronics, sporting goods, flowers, cigars, 
books and CDs, try a shopping agent. 
"These Web-based programs crawl retail- 
ers' sites, recording the prices of the 
items offered and storing them in their 


databases. Visit an agent site (try shop 
find.com, bottomdollar.com or jango.com) 
and enter a description of the thing you 
covet. In a few seconds, you'll be pre- 
sented with a list of online merchants 
that offer the item, along with the prices 
plus links to retailers. One glitch that 
we've come across—a $10 book ordered 
through bottomdollar.com arrived with 
an invoice for $25 (although the credit 
card was charged the proper advertised 
rate). And here's a shopping timesaver: 
cWallct (cwallct.com). It’s a virtual bill- 
fold that stores your name, address and 
payment information. It saves you from 
having to enter all those keystrokes each 
time you purchase something online. 


HAVE A FREEMAIL FLING 

If you want to send and receive e-mail 
when you travel but don't want to lug a 
laptop with you, get a Web-based e-mail 
account. Hotmail (hotmail.com) and 
most of the hubs (Yahoo, Excite, Lycos) 
offer free e-mail. You can log in at a cy- 
bercafe in Kuala Lumpur or an apart- 
ment in Soho—wherever there's a com- 
puter connected to the Net. Because 
freemail can be used anonymously, it's 
a perfect way to swap fantasies on alt. 
sex.stories or have an online romance 
without fear that your electronic love af- 
fair will show up on the Drudge Report 
(drudgereport.com) with your name at- 
tached to it. 


SCORE A PAD THE 
SMART WAY 
You've heard the Internet 
saves money because it 
eliminates the middle- 
man. The truth is, the Net 
has created a whole new 
class of middlemen, called 
infomediaries. But this 
time, it's a good thing. Say 
you're in the market for 
a house. An infomediary 
such as Home Shark (home 
shark.com) can find agood 
rate in your state for a low- 
er fee than you'd pay an 
offline mortgage broker. 
You can also comparison 
shop for the best rates 
offered by more than 
1300 lenders at Mortgage- 
Quotes (mortgagequotes. 
com). After your loan rate 
is locked in, go hunting 
for a home at Realtor.com 
(realtor.com), which lists 
more than 1 million hous- 

es in the U.S. 


SEARCHING FOR A 
GOOD TIME? 
CLICK HERE 
Online city-entertainment guides are 
getting better, so much so that you can 
make weekly plans without consulting a 
newspaper. The beauty of online guides. 
is the scarch feature. If you've just flown 
to Austin and get a hankering for shell- 
fish, Citysearch (citysearch.com) will give 
you ten oyster bars in town. Once you've 
eaten, you can find out which of the 21 
adult entertainment establishments is 
closest to your hotel. Microsoft's Side- 
walk (sidewalk.com) has a clunkier inter- 
face, but offers more services, plus a 
number of ways to focus your search for 
a fabulous night. —MARK FRAUENFELDER 


See what's happening on Playbay 


s 
Hame Page at http://www.playboy.cam. 


BOOKS 


HEARTBREAK HOTEL 


Careless Love (Little, Brown) is the second and final volume of 
Peter Guralnick's biography of Elvis. In the first, 1994's Last 
Train to Memphis, Guralnick depended on interviews with peo- 
ple who knew the American рор 
icon; their memories enliven the 
narrative. Careless Love relies on the 
many as-told-to books that have 
been written about Presley and suf- 
fers from the sordid and claustro- 
phobic tone of most of them. Gural- 
nick's original intention was to write 
a book that would serve as an anti- 
dote to Albert Goldman's 1981 Elvis, 
which was informed by contempt 
for its subject. Last Train appealed 
because it was the story of the rise of 
a poor but honest and decent boy. It 
must have been a joyless pursuit for Guralnick to compile tes- 
timony for the current volume, which presents Presley as a 
child molester, an inveterate adulterer, a weaver of homicidal 
plots, a coward who attacks women and sucker punches his 
closest friends, and a drug addict. The last charge, at least, 
is open to question but isn't questioned by the author. Many of 
Guralnick's sources—including Presley's doctor George Nich- 
opoulos—are familiar to me. He quotes as authoritative James 
Cole and Charles Thompson's deeply flawed and sensational- 
ized book The Death of Elvis: What Really Happened. A large 
number of people, each with his own ambitions, have insisted 
that Presley's death was caused by polypharmacy. But the 
facts—the position of the body, the amounts and kinds of 
drugs found in the body—don't support that conclusion. 
Presley's impact on popular music was profound, and his life 
was tragically unfulfilled. Sam Phillips, Elvis' first record pro- 
ducer, said at the time of Elvis' death, "I think it's entirely pos- 
sible to die of a broken heart, and 1 think that was a con- 
tributing factor." In the end, Guralnick has made it even more 
difficult for us to see the real man. —STANLEY BOOTH 


HE UNMANINS OF 
ELVIS PRESLEY, 


GURALNICK 


MAGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


Balzac! Zola! Dickens! Wolfe? Ever since Tom 
Wolfe's second novel, A Man in Full (Farrar, 
Straus & Giroux), was published last Novem- 
ber, critics have busied themselves assessing (| 

whether Wolfe is America’s most astute so- Se 
cial critic—and whether his novelistic achieve- 

ments ore equal to those we have singled out 

with Wolfian exclamation points. Daes the book 


| 
have substantial and enduring artistic merits » ф 
| 


П 

is it merely an entertcinment of a high order? / )\\: 

Certainly, Wolfe is our mast adept observer of 

social behavior from the Sixties through the ai) 
7 


Nineties. He has now facused his genius for 
comic realism on aur precarious condition. A 
Mon is magnificent. This sprawling book N 
nominally about Atlanta, race and real estate, but it is 

really about the state of America os we approach the millen- 
nium. But interestingly—and confounding to those who di 
missed Bonfire of the Vanities as brilliant but mean-spirited— 
Wolfe has added campassion to this story. And that makes 

ic pyrotechnics seem all 


literary flourishes and styli: 
the more real and dazzling. 


AIR FARE 


If you were hoping to see the private side of Michael Jordan, 
you won't find very much of it in David Halberstam's Play- 
ing for Keeps: Michael Jordan and the World He Made (Random 
House). The most famous sports figure (perhaps the most fa- 
mous person) in the world has kept his personal life to him- 
self, either to preserve a last vesuge of privacy or simply to 
save his innermost self for his own retirement autobiography. 
Halberstam, the consummate American postwar cultural re- 
porter, pursues Jordan relentlessly, using the if-you-won't-tell- 
me-anything-I'll-interview-eyerybody-who-ever-knew-you 
method of journalism. The result is an exhaustive study of the 
concentric circles of Michael's life, a journey that gives more 
insight into the Jerrys (Reinsdorf and Krause), Davids (Falk 
and Stern), 


coaches (Dean 
Smith, Doug 
Collins, Phil 
Jackson) and 
teammates 
(Rodman, Pip- 
pen, Kukoc) 
than it does in- 
to Jordan. The 
closest that Hal- 
berstam gets to 
his subject is in 
his descriptions 
of Michael’s 
white-hot com- 


petitiveness- p! 
whether on a basketball court, baseball diamond or golf course 
orin a card game. It's a competitiveness that can be vengeful, 
even cruel. But if you've watched Michael play, observing him 
closely, you already know that. Halberstam delivers much of 


Michael's world but not enough of the man. —GARY COLE 


SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK 
It sounds implausible. A 26-year-old writer has his novel rejected by 
70 American publishers. Then, while ploying guitar one cold day on 
a bridge in Paris, he meets the daughter of a prestigious French 
publisher. After his novel receives critical acclaim in Europe, the 
writer finds an American publisher and, no doubt, a lucrative Hally- 
wood deal. That's what has happened to Tristan Egolf. Lord of the 
Barnyard (Grave)—his debut navel, initially deemed unworthy of the 
American market—is occasionally turgid and awkward. The writing 
can be labared. But Egolf rewards diligent readers with a mock epic 
of events in Baker, a small carn-belt tawn. Bamyard is a darkly com- 
ic tale of lawlessness and brigandage set in motion by a garbage 
strike. It details the Job-like series af catastraphes, bad 
breaks and raw deols visited upon 
John Kaltenbrunner, who hero- z7 
icolly leads disenfranchised trash 
collectors in a devastating wark 
stoppage. Midwestern piety and 
virtue are revealed to be nothing 
more then hypocrisy and rat. With 
a feracity reminiscent of Twain, 
Egolf unveils the townspeople af 
Baker as “a hysterical mob of naked 
apes and misanthropes.” Featuring 
a chaotic cast of river rats, poultry 
workers and sundry small-town trou- 
blemakers—various people stupefied 
by clockwork lobor—Lord of the Barn- 
yard is on impressive expression of 
the indamitable human spirit. 
—1EOPOLD FROEHLICH 


сою ew 


30 


_ FITNESS 


TRAINING FOR DISTANCE 
BY JOE DOLCE 


I've never played on a team or considered myself athletic. 
Hell, I've never stepped inside a sports bar. But last winter I 
became obsessed with the idea of seriously training for a 
sport. So I signed up to cycle in the Boston-New York AIDS 
Ride—three days, 275 miles, eight to 12 hours a day in the 
saddle on steep hills. My brain and my butt told me no, but 
my heart said go. 1 needed to connect with something bigger 
than myself. I needed the challenge. It was spring. I vias feel- 
ing energetic. It was time to get outside. 

"Though Гуе been a gym rat for the past ten years—lifting 
weights and doing duty on the stationary bike and treadmill— 
I knew hard muscles and aerobic fitness weren't going to be 
enough. I had to build stamina. 


THE THEORY 


In strength training, the object is to build muscle mass, 
quicken nerve activation and increase the ability of muscles to 
contract under maximum stress—you know, a car falls on 
your foot and you want to hoist it off right now. Endurance 
training enables muscle to use oxygen more efficiently, so it 
can recover quickly and keep pumping. According to my per- 
sonal trainer, Dan Oppenheimer, there are three principles 
one must observe when building endurance: 

Specificity of training. If you're prepping for a bike race, 
get in the saddle and push those pedals. If it's a marathon, hit 
the road. Each sport uses different muscles. Lifting weights, 
swimming or shooting hoops can't substitute for cycling to 
build the glutes, hamstrings and quadriceps. 

Progressive overload. If you can lift 15 pounds but don't at- 
tempt anything heavier, you'll never get stronger. The body 
adapts to reasonable amounts of stress, which you must con- 
sistently increase to gain power. In cycling this means faster 
rpms and bigger hills. 

Goal setting. Don't be vague about what you must accom- 
plish. Cycling 275 miles in three days is a lot different from cy- 
cling ten miles in one hour. Your body adapts to the demands 
placed on it. Know your goal and stay focused. 


THE TRAINING 


Never attempt something this dramatic—and potentially 
traumatic—without proper training. The goal is to push your 
body, to familiarize it with the pain of long distance exertion 
in order to minimize surprises during the actual event. Aside 
from getting you through the race, the benefits of endurance 
training include increased bone mass, more resilient tendons, 
greater amounts of blood pumped through the heart, low- 
er blood pressure and lower cholesterol. Give yourself at 
least four months to work up to the challenge. Here's how I 


prepped with the aid of my trainer: 

Month one. Experts urge you to first get a physical exam to 
assess your baseline heart rate, determine how past injuries 
might impact your performance and discuss possible future 
problems. If you're fortunate, as I was, your doctor will give 
you a clean bill of health along with a check toward your fund- 
raising goal. 

Once you're deemed fit, the key to building endurance is to 
systematically increase your training base so you can increase 
the rate at which oxygen gets to your muscles. Most plans en- 
courage you to up your distance by ten percent each week. 
When I began, 1 comfortably rode 20 miles a day on flat ter- 
rain. By month four, I planned to cycle two 50-mile segments 
back-to-back. 

It hurt at first. My groin developed serious road rash, and 
the pressure on my urethra caused a feeling of pins and needles 
in my penis that could last for days. My legs wobbled and my 
shoulders ached from leaning on the handlebars. Still, it was 
liberating to be out of the gym and on the road. I was seeing 
parts of New York State that aren't on maps. 

I soon learned that the best information comes from people 
who practice the sport. One local bike mechanic gave me de- 
tailed route maps and recommended cycling shorts with no 
stitching in the crotch padding (they're less rash-inducing and 
much more comfortable). Other tidbits: Cycling shirts wick 
away perspiration and keep you drier, and certain saddles have 
holes that minimize pressure on the urethra. After one gruel- 
ing ride left my shoulders and neck seriously out of whack, an- 
other mechanic raised my handlebars three quarters ofan inch 
and solved the problem. 

Be sure to ask questions, especially of experienced cyclists. 
"They know secrets that might take you months to figure out 
on your ovn. 

Months two and three—the dif- 
ficult middle zonc. A little 
physiology: When muscles 
work, they produce lactic 
acid, the stuff that causes 
pain, muscle burn and stiff- 
ness, Stamina. in-s 

re 


creases the bod; lity ч 
use lactic acid for $ 
bursts and then clear it oubof. 


the bloodstream quickly by Ф 
livering extra oxygen to the cells 
You'll know you need more training 
if you grind up a big hill and your mus- E 
cles burn to such a degree that you have to ^ 
pull over and rest. 

In order to expand the 


(concluded on page 165) 


Four years ago, Pedram Sa- 
limpour, a sex researcher at 
Bastan University School of 
Medicine, observed that many 
of his patients with sexual dys- 
function—young, healthy men 
with na apparent physical or 
psychological troumas—hod 
something else in common: 
Each had either slammed 
penis against the seat or cross- 


bor of a bike or had completed 
a lang ride. Studies of the per- 
ineum, the area between the 
anus and the scratum, showed 
that mast of these impotent cy- 
lists had a blocked or dam- 
aged cavernosal artery, which 
normally delivers blood ta the 
penis. 

A survey comparing runners 
and cyclists faund that the cy- 


clists were four times as likely 
ta be impotent. 

According to Salimpour, 
there are three things you can 
do to treat cycling-related im- 
potence: (1) Take Viagra to 
open bload vessels and allow 
more blood flow. (2) Have a 
vasodilator, which causes the 
muscles to relax sa blood can 
flow more easily, injected into 


your penis. (Most recipients say 
the procedure causes little 
pain.) (3) Have a microvascu- 
lor arterial bypass, in which an 
artery is surgically attached оп 
the other side af the blocked or 
damaged artery. 

For more infarmotian re- 
garding treatment, consult a 


urolagist. —ıD. 


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MEN 


І t was past midnight when the call 
came from Washington, D.C. I was 
working on my taxes so 1 answered the 
phone irritably. “Yeah?” I said. 

"Is Азза Barber there?" a distinctly 
nonhuman voice said. 

"I'm Asa Baber,” I said. 

"My name is Zen Forward-Slash G3 
DotCom. Just call me Zen for short." 

“What's the problem?" 

"Your report to the SRS is due.” 

“Are you with the IRS?” 

“No. I'm with the SRS. Also known as 
the Sexual Revenue Service." 

"The Sexual Revenue Service? l've 
never heard of it," I said. 

"Well, we've heard of you." 

"Are you a computer? You sound sus- 
piciously like a computer." 

“Lam so much more than a computer, 
Mr. Beeber,” Zen said. “But stop stalling. 
Where are your forms?" 

*I don't know what you're talking 
about," I said. 

"According to our files, you are delin- 
quent. It turns out that you have never 
submitted a report to us." 

"Excuse me, but what does the SRS 
do?" I asked. 

“That's simple: We keep track of how 
much money men are spending on wom- 
en," Zen said. 

"That gave me great pause. "Really? 

"Yes," Zen sai It seems to be a uni- 
versal weakness of the male sex, so we 
are researching the issue. Throughout 
history, men have spent inordinate sums 
on the female gender." 

I was not comfortable with this topic 
because it hit too close to home. "So I'm 
supposed to be filing reports with the 
SRS on what I spend on women? Since 
when, may I ask?" 

“Your eighth birthday was your LESE” 

"It was what?" 

"Your Initial Expenditure Starting 
Point. On your eighth birthday, you 
bought Tootsie Rolls and a Wonder 
Woman comic book for a girl named 
Francine. That used up your allowance, 
and all you got for it was a brief kiss in 
the park. Our records show it was your. 
first significant expenditure on a female, 
though hardly the last." 

“1 was supposed to file an expense re- 
port at the age of eight?" 

"Ideally, yes," Zen said. 

“That's absurd." 

"Ignorance of the law is no excuse," 


32 he scolded. 


By ASA BABER 


THE SEXUAL 
REVENUE SERVICE 


“Her name was Francine," I mur- 
mured, trying to remember her. I con- 
jured up dark hair, white skin, a Monica- 
style face. As with all my infatuations, I 
cataloged the features that most excited 
me and replayed them at will. 

“It's amazing how much you've spent 
on women in your lifetime,” Zen said. 

“If you know how much it is, why do 1 
have to file a report?” I asked. 

“Because you have to own up to it.” 

I shuddered. “But I don't want to own 
up to it. Please, go away. I don't even 
want to think about it.” 

“Of course not. It's embarrassing, isn't 
it?” Zen asked. “You're a typical male, 
aren't you?” 

“Definitely,” Lagreed. 

“You guys,” Zen said with a chuckle. 
“That's why the SRS exists. We force you 
to look in the mirror.” 

“But I don't like that," I said. “When I 
think of how much money I've spent on 
chicks, it makes me seem: 7 

*Puny and foolish?" Zen laughed. 
“Needy and dependent? Fawning and 
solicitous? Addicted and manipulated? 
Overzealous and oversexed? Wild and 
undisciplined? Stupid and broke?” 

“That's overstating it,” I whined. 

“Does your woodie control your wal- 
let? Do your balls blind your brain? Are 
you a sucker for love that rarely lasts, 
a hustler who gets hustled, a jerk who. 


mostly jerks off, a horny twit with no wit, 
a pimp who acts like a shrimp, a cash 
machine for a money-hungry queen, a 
no-account with a bank account?" 

"Yes!" I yelled. “Lam!” 

"You act tough, but in a woman's 
hands, you're as soft as the Pillsbury 
Doughboy,” Zen said. "You started spend- 
ing your hard-earned cash at an early 
age on every pretty face you met, and it. 
hasn't stopped." 

“I know I'm insecure,” I said feebly, 
"but I mean well." 

“You mean too well, Mr. Bumbler. But 
are you ready for some hardball? Гуе 
got a printout, a record of every cent 
you've spent in your life as you tried to 
get laid." 

“1 am not ready for this,” I said. 

“Deal with it, Bankrupt Breath," Zen 
said. “Here we go! Asa Baber's estimat- 
ed expenditures over a lifetime of lech- 
ery and foolishness, listed by category: 
(A) Food and candy, $30.9 million. (B) 
Soft drinks and alcohol, $123.7 million. 
(C) Movies and plays, $16.7 million. (D) 
Flowers, $12 million. (E) Jewelry, $48.5 
million. 

“This is absurd!" I screamed. "I don't 
have that kind of money!" 

“Shut up, Big Spender," Zen said. He 
continued: "(F) Books, newspapers and 
magazines, $19.9 million. (G) House- 
hold furnishings, $22 million ——" 

“Twenty million dollars on books? 
Forty-eight million on jewelry? These 
are your estimates of what I've spent to 
woo women?" 

"Not exactly," Zen said. "These are 
our estimates of what your financial sup- 
port for women has felt like to you over 
your lifetime." 

"What it's felt like?" 

“Yes. What it’s felt like. Admit it. 
You're just a street junkie who spends 
everything he has on his jones—and 
then goes back for more. You're the 
King of Denial." 

I shed a small tear. "Oh," I said 
through my shame, "if you're talking 
about what it actually feels like to spend 
so much of my money on so many wom- 
en... you've got it right." 

Zen sighed like a cyborg. "You can't 
buy love, Penis Brain. When will you 
guys ever learn? 

“About the 12th of Never,” I said. "And 
that's a long, long time." 


MONEY MATTERS 


By CHRISTOPHER BYRON 


hen it comes to the stock mar- 

ket, there aren't many thi 
person can be sure of, but this is one 
of them: There is no way a company 
named the Globe.com was, is or proba- 
bly ever will be worth $97 per share. Dit- 
to for a long list of other so-called Inter- 
net stocks. 

These stocks and others have been 
driven out of sight by some of the wildest 
speculation Wall Street has seen. You 
hear seemingly reasonable justifications 
for these prices— typically from the bro- 
kers who want you to buy the shares. 
The truth is, these stocks keep rising in 
price because investors think they'll be 
more expensive tomorrow. 

In my October 1998 column, I warned 
against shorting Internet stocks (a bet 
that their prices will soon fall) because 
the upward momentum in the sector was 
just too strong to fight for long. That 
turned out to be good advice, for al- 
though the Dow Jones industrial aver- 
age dropped by 20 percent just about 
the time the column appeared, Internet 
stocks quickly rebounded and are now 
rising faster than ever. 

As I said back then, the Internet sector 
has become what is known in investment 
parlance as a bubble—suggesting some- 
thing lighter than air that can pop and 
disappear in an instant. History is filled 
with examples of bubbles: from tulipo- 
mania in 17th century Holland to the 
Florida land booms of the Twenties and 
$875 per ounce gold in the early Eight- 
ies. To that list we may now add the 
Great Internet Bubble of the Nineties— 
fueled by investors hopping aboard "the 
most revolutionary communications 
medium since the Gutenberg press." 
With all such bubbles, the core premise 
makes some sense, for the Internet may 
well turn out to be the most important 
communications medium since televi- 
sion, if not movable type. 

Yet on that premise, investors have al- 
ready piled up such a mountain of spec- 
ulation that it is impossible to apply any 
known method of valuing stocks to de- 
termine their worth. Price-earnings ra- 
tios don't work because most of the com- 
panies have no earnings. Discounted 
cash-flow analyses don't work because 
the companies don't have cash flow. 
Risk-reward scenarios don't work be- 
cause no one knows what the future risks 
or rewards really will be. 

АЙ of which explains why, when asked 


BURSTING THE 
NTERNET BUBBLE 


to justify an $11 billion market valuation 
for a company such as Amazon.com— 
which has never made a profit and 
whose business is already deteriorating 
from intensifying competition —the bub- 
ble's true believers offer that the old 
rules no longer apply. 

But in the end, onc rule endures. A 
business must ultimately generate a prof- 
it or it winds up consuming its own cap- 
ital and goes bankrupt. And in the win- 
ter of 1998-1999, that is the grim truth 
facing Internet companies: Nearly all 
the companies in it are losing money, 
and none show evidence of turning prof. 
itable before the growth of the Internet 
itself starts to slow. 

Most studies of how much the Inter- 
net will grow are done by research and 
consulting firms that depend on the In- 
ternet for consulting contracts and re- 
search studies. As a result, their forecasts 
tend to be strongly optimistic. One such 
outfit, International Data Group, is cited 
constantly in Internet IPO stock regis- 
tration filings as evidence of how big— 
and fast growing—the Internet is. The 
filings pump up the forecasts further, 
creating a record over time that is not 
only excessively optimistic but some- 
times internally inconsistent as well 

Thus, when Infoseek, the search en- 
gine company, filed papers with the Se- 
curities and Exchange Commission in 


June 1996 to sell stock to the public, the 
company cited an International Data 
Group study as forecasting “200 million 
Internet users by the end of 1999.” (IDG 
estimated 56 million users at the time.) 
But two years later, in February 1998, 
when Ziff Davis filed papers to sell shares 
in its Internet business to the public, it 
cited IDG data forecasting that by the 
end of 1999 there would be 200 million 
people with access to the Internet. 

People with access to the Internet are 
not the same as users. A household with 
a computer and a dial-up connection to 
the Internet may have only one user. But 
if there are five people in the family, 
there are five people with access to the 
Net. Obviously, actual usage is a much 
smaller number than potential access. 

According to the latest U.S. Census 
data, there were approximately 103.5 
million occupied housing units in the 
nation in 1998, which pretty much de- 
fines the present limits of the consumer 
side of the Internet. 

Now if we apply seemingly reliable re- 
search data to that census number, we 
come up with some disturbing possibili- 
ties. For example, data from Mediamark 
Research suggest that as of November 
1998 there were 35 million people ac- 
cessing the Internet from home. Let's 
postulate that each user represents one 
household, and each household has one 
Internet account. If so, then roughly 33 
percent of American households have al- 
ready signed up for Internet use. 

Moreover, if we project the 50 percent 
annual growth rate being registered in 
the Mediamark data over the next 24 
months, 75 percent of all housing units 
in the country vill be wired to the Inter- 
net. Inevitably, this will lead to a slow- 
down in growth. ply getting cus- 
tomers won't be the issue; getting moncy 
from customers will be the challenge. 

lt is at that point—or to be more pre- 
cise, at the point when investors real- 
ize that the growth phase is coming to 
a close—that the Internet bubble will 
burst. How far down the road is that? 
A year, maybe, or possibly 18 months. 
Meanwhile, the bubble will keep swell- 
ing, creating almost unimaginable prof- 
its for short-sellers when this historic 
speculation finally ends. 


You can reach Christopher Byron by e-mail 
at cbyron 1G home.com. 


33 


eep it Basic 


э 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. © Philip Norris Inc.1999 
15 mg “tar” 1.0 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


Water Rockets 

Anyone into boats knows that Magnum Marine yachts 

are the Ferraris of the water. Each baat is built to the buyer's 
specificatians and casts a king’s ransom (the kings of Spain and Swe- 


hey... IES personal 


den each awn one). The crown jewel of Magnum's fleet (similar ta the ane 

abave) is a 70-foot madel powered by iwin 1800-horsepower diesel engines. lt can make 

the trip fram North Miami Beach (where Magnums are built) ta the Bahamas in about 45 minutes. 

The price is a caol $3.5 millian, but since the average wait far one of these beauties is a year, you have 
time to save up. In camparison, the company's 44-f0at madel is a bargain al $714,000. Na wonder Mag- 


nums are the chaice for military interceptors and patrals worldwide, 


They come off ot the worst times—you've committed to weoring a 
certain suit with o certain shirt, which now hos a button missing 
Postmodern mon connot rely on onyone to fix this problem for 
him. Leorn the skill described obcve ond finolly set yourself free. 


including the U.S. Coast Guard. 


Turkey Chili 


We know thot mony people guord their chili recipes—those 
that feoture squirrel meot and other exotica. But here is o 
light chili variation thot isn't outhentic, but hos gone over 
well when we've served it. In o large skillet, soften o diced 
onion in two tablespoons of olive oil over medium heot. 
Brown o holf pound 
eoch cf ground 
turkey breost ond 
ground turkey thigh. 
Cook ot medium 
high for ten min- 
vtes—or until the 
turkey is cooked 
through. Stir in o 
heaping teaspoon 
each of ground co- 
rionder ond ground 
cumin. Add two 
15-ounce cons 

of cooked white 
beans—rinsed ond 
droined—half of 
which you hove 
moshed with a po- 
loto masher. Add four ounces of diced jolapeno peppers, 
two cups of chicken broth and two cups of corn kernels, 
Cook at medium heat for 15 minutes. Add four to six 
‘ounces of salso (mild or medium, depending on your heot 
toleronce) and two tablespoons of o pepper sauce, such os 
Abode Sauce from American Spoon (B00-222-5886). Gar- 
nish with chopped cilontro and serve with quesodillos 


35 


MANTRACK = | | — 


Clothesline: 
Ken olin 


“I'm most com- 


Manhattan by the Month 


If you're visiting the Big Apple for a month or longer, 


consider checking into the Marmara-Manhattan ex- fortable in Ar- 
tended-stay hotel. At 94th Street and Second Avenue, mani suits. 

this 32-story hotel offers more thon 100 handsome ac- There's a casu- 
commodotions that range from studios to three-bed- al elegance 
room units. The mahogany-paneled lobby (left) opens about them 


onto a Japanese courtyard garden, and many of the 
rooms hove views of the skyline and Eost River. Daily 
housekeeping ond valet and breakfast services are 

available, along with 


that I like,” says 
Ken Olin, who 
currently stars 
in the CBS dra- 


36 


а fitness room, health 


ma LA Doctors. 


club privileges, laundry facilities and other 
amenities—including silverwore and chino. The 


monthly rate for a studio apartment [exclusive of 


tox) is $3750 ta $4000—in a 30-day month, 
that's $125 to $133 а doy. A $7250-per-month 


ane-bedraom is $242 a day. (Cheaper one-bed- 


rooms are ovailoble.) A twa-bedroom is about 
$8000, or cbout $260 a day. And if you apt for 
the $13,000-a-month three-bedraam unit with 
а Jacuzzi, you'll pay only $433 a doy. Call 212- 
427-3100, extension B0207 for more infarma- 
tion. Annual rotes are alsa available. 


“Haw 1 dress is 
an extension of 
prep school by way of Los Angeles. Lately, 
I've discovered Tommy Bahama shirts, and 
1 wear a lot of khokis, chinos, blue jeans 
опа leather jackets—not biker ones, 
though 1 da have a couple of Chrome 
Hearts jackets.” Olin does most of his 
shopping in Los Angeles, dropping by 
Frontrunners for warkout clothes and Ron 
Herman's for chinos. But his favorite look 
is Levi's 5015 with clogs. "It's o very 


Put a Sake in It 


Even if you're not particularly fond of rice, you owe 
it ta yourself to acquire a taste far Japan's national 
drink, sake—the beverage fermented from rice. 
One charm is that it packs о fairly substontial 
kick—it's allowed ta have 12 percent to 20 percent 
alcohol by valume. Check out The Insiders Guide 
to Sake (Kodansho) by Philip Harper, the only for- 
eign sake brewer in Japan. Harper explains why 
some sakes are served hat and others are cald, 
and includes tasting notes an over 100 brands, tips 
оп haw ta decipher the labels and a list of bars and 
retailers that cater to sake acolytes. 


low-key, chic thing,” says Olin. 


Guys Are Talking About... 

Oberhofer Hand-Crafted Computers. The company’s Classic Series cam- 
puter (pictured here) includes a mause ($350), keyboard ($650) and 14" 
monitor (53995). All models are carved from hordwcads and melicu- 
lously hand-finished. The result, say the folks ct Oberhofer, “is a lasting 
tribute to the Bauhaus schoal af unified art and technology.” The New 
York J. Peterman store. Along with vintage-inspired men's and women's 
apparel and unique gift items that resemble souvenirs of another era, 
there are one-of-a-kind memorabilia, such as a $25,000 bronze Babe 
Ruth plaza marker that once was outside Yankee Stadium. The store 
opened this past October in the newly refurbished Grand Central Sta- 
tion. The Cigar Directary. This comprehensive softcover lists the names, 
addresses and phane numbers of mojar cigar, cigarette and tobacco re- 
toilers and wholesalers state by state. You'll never again be stagieless in 
Yankton, Sauth Dakota. Price: $19.95. Brooks Brothers Cellar. This new 
mail-order service ships two 
battles of wine a month ta cus- 
tomers in New York, New Jersey 
and Massachusetts for a mini- 
mum of three months ($90 plus 
shipping). Plans ore in the warks 
ta expand the sales of wine to 
20 additional states. Passpart 
7500 Rador detectar. Escart's 
newest model hos some terrific 
features, including increased 
radar range, five loser sensors 
(four front and ane rear) and an 
Auto Sensitivity mode that 
minimizes the number of 
false alarms. The unit 
sells for $230. A Smart 
Cord mute display far 
discreet visual alerts af- 
ter dark is $29.95. 


WHERE 4 HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 154 


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ІМ, girlfriend is turned off by dirty 
words. Once I told her, in the heat of 
passion, that I loved her beautiful ass. 
Another time I blurted out, “Fuck me!” 
In both instances she said I had ruined 
the moment. Can you suggest words we 
could use in bed that arcn't too clinical 
or crude?—].S., Manhattan, Kansas 

Perhaps you should learn a foreign lan- 
guage. In her book Exhibitionism for the Shy 
(800-289-8423), Carol Queen recounts how 
one of her lovers enjoyed the sound of the 
French tongue. “I once impelled her to tear 
my clothes off in the middle of the afternoon 
reading aloud to her from a Sabatier 
Kitchen knife brochure.” Queen suggests that 
couples who hawe a problem with slang—or 
who prefer English-—invent their own bed- 
room language. She recommends Nicholson 
Baker's Vox or The Fermata for inspiration 
and provides an entertaining appendix of 
erotic words and phrases to expand your vo- 
cabulary. As Queen points out, it’s not what 
you say but how you say it. “If your arousal 
is reflected in your voice, cries of ‘Oh, yeah, 
do that! or ‘Please put your mouth on me 
now!’ can be devastatingly hot, even though 
you haven't used a single ‘dirty’ word.” Still, 
There's no substitute for a good “Fuck me!” 
once in a while (we always add “please”). 
When you're so turned on you need that 
pussy, that ass, that mouth or those tits more 
than your lungs need air, you don't want to 
fuss with Shakespeare. 


What is the best way to exchange mon- 
ey when traveling overscas?—C.C., New- 
ark, New Jersey 

Use plastic. Every few days, when you 
need cash, insert your debit card in an auto- 
mated teller machine that's part of an inter- 
national network such as Cirrus or Plus. 
You'll receive the wholesale exchange vate, 
which is much better than anything offered 
by a local bank or souvenir shop. Pay for 
restaurant meals and hotel rooms with a 
credit. card. You'll get the wholesale rate plus 
one percent. Avoid using credit cards for 
cash advances; withdrawals begin accruing 
interest immediately and typically include a 
two percent fee. Depending on your destina- 
tion, you may want to carry traveler's checks 
or U.S. currency in reserve; in some locales, 
ATMs are hard to find. Change your person- 
al identification number if it’s five or six dig- 
its; four digits is the foreign standard. And 
be aware that ATMs in some countries allow 
you to access only your primary account. 


ДА feminist friend maintains that there 
is no difference between male and fe- 
male desire, that a woman's libido is just 
as strong, on average, as that of a man. I 
pointed out that for every gigolo servic- 
ing a woman, there arc thousands of fe- 
male sex workers fulfilling men’s desires; 
that women usually grant or withhold 


that libido is said to arise from andro- 
gens such as testosterone, and women 
have lower levels of those hormones. 
These facts suggest that a man's libido 
is generally stronger and more urgent 
than a woman's. After decades of observ- 
ing the erotic dimension of our lives, 
what is the Advisor's take on this?—D.C 
Seattle, Washington 

Your arguments don't hold. In most parts 
of the world, prostitution is the result of a 
lack of economic options for women. And a 
person's sex drive is not determined by biolo- 
gy alone. It can involve his or her past sexu- 
al experiences, confidence, personality and 
need for intimacy. You also can't discount the 
sexual double standard: A woman who ad- 
mits to a strong sex drive is dismissed as easy, 
while a man is revered as a stud. In our ex- 
perience, a woman’s lust is equal to or great- 
er than а man's. As generations of men have 
observed, an aroused woman is a force of 
nature. 


Can 1 catch a cold from my husband 
while giving him oral sex?—L.F,, Chica- 
go, Illinois 

No 


Town seven suits, and on average I wear 
each once a weck. Should I expect them. 
to last three years? Five years? A life- 
time?—G.D., Rochester, New York 

A suit should last long enough to go out 
of style. With proper care, a well-tailored, 
conservatively styled suit can last ten years 
or longer. Clean your suits only when nec- 
essary—when you detect dirt or lingering 
odors from tobacco smoke or perspiration— 
and always take the coat and trousers in 
together. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


А woman I met ona business trip wore 
a lapel pin depicting an apple with a bite 
taken out of it. When I asked her about 
it, she winked at me. Am I missing some- 
thing?—T.E., Duluth, Minnesota 

Apparently. Members of the Norih Ameri- 
can Swing Club Association sometimes wear 
Ihe lapel pin as a sign that they're in “the 
lifestyle.” For information, visit nasca.com 
or send a self-addressed, stamped envelope 
to PO. Box 7128, Buena Park, Califor- 
nia 90622. 


V started playing a dress-up game with 
my husband. He looks good, or as he 
says, “passable,” as a woman. He's grow. 
ing his hair long and has shaved his body 
hair. He's starting to look more and 
more like the women in your magazine. 
Recently he volunteered to drive me to 
Chicago for a business trip. I was flab- 
bergasted when he showed up at my job 
dressed as a woman (he told my secre- 
tary he was my cousin). On the way to 
Chicago he asked for a blow job—it was 
the fee full erection I had seen him get 
in a while, so 1 complied. He wore wom- 
спу clothing around the city all weekend 
without any problem, and we had great 
sex. I think this game has gone to his 
head, and Im trying to get him to stop 
before he gets too serious. Please help — 
A.B., Cedar Rapids, lowa 

He’s already serious. Your husband has 
come out as а cross-dresser after what has 
probably been many years of hiding his be- 
havior. The practice is more common than 
you'd think and widely misunderstood. Dr. 
William Stayton, a professor at the Univer- 
sity of Pennsylvania's Program in Human 
Sexuality Education, counsels cross-dressers 
and says most hesitate to tell their lovers be- 
cause they fear it will end the relationship. 
In many cases, they're right. Women who 
stay cope by accepting their partner's female 
persona as a third wheel or friend (one wife 
says she dishes to her пеш confidante about 
her husband). Cross-dressers are usually not 
gay. They enjoy wearing women's clothing 
for a number of reasons: It gives them an 
erotic charge, it provides a sense of well-be- 
ing, it helps them relax. (“You can't imagine 
how many politicians can't give a speech in 
Congress without wearing panties,” Stayton 
has said.) Couples should establish bound- 
aries. For instance, your husband went too 
far when he showed up unannounced at 
your office dressed as а woman. Or you may 
not feel comfortable making love when he 
in his female persona. E-mail cdso@hot 
mail.com to get in touch with Cross-Dressers" 
Significant Others, an online support group 
for the wives and girlfriends of cross-dressers. 
You also may want to attend the Spouses and 
Partners International Conference for Edu- 
cation this July in Minneapolis (men are 


39 


PLAYBOY 


welcome, but no cross-dressing is allowed). 
For details, write the Society for the Second 
Self at 8880 Bellaire B2, Suite 104, Hous- 
ton, Texas 77036 or spice@tri-ess.com. 


am 22 years old and plan to get braces. 
My husband and I enjoy oral sex, but 
I'm afraid that my orthodontics will hurt 
him. Having to wait three years for a lit- 
tle head seems so unfair! Is there a tech- 
nique to lessen the risk?—E.M., Mon- 
terey, California 

We've heard from a. few guys over the 
years who claim they ve “snagged” while re- 
ceiving fellatio from a woman with braces. 
But most injuries of this sort are minor and 
can be attributed to inexperienced partners 
or those old nemeses, teeth. Unless you're 
operating at really weird angles, you won't 
have problems. If cither of you is uneasy 
about the situation, stock up on the rope wax 
your orthodontist will supply to prevent your 
braces from cutting the inside of your mouth. 


Perhaps the Advisor can help me fig- 
ure this out. I just started dating a guy, 
and he’s already driving me crazy. He’s 
into setting the mood whenever we have 
sex: candles, incense, music, the works. 
Sometimes I want to be ravaged, or rav- 
age him, but if I start grabbing at his 
clothes or g him hard to get things 
going, he says, “Hold that thought," and 
scurries around to get things just right. 
Most guys I've dated have no interest 
in any of this stuff—they’re ready to go 
whenever. Should I be concerned? 
R.T. Duluth, Minnesota 

Your boyfriend sounds like what one of 
our favorite cultural observers, Lisa Carver, 
would call a sensualist. You, on the other 
hand, are a sexuali exualists are into 
sex,” explains Carver, who edits a zine called 
Rollerderby. “Sensualists are into eroti- 
cism—things that aren't sex but that involve 
the thought of sex. Sensualists are romantics; 
they like to set the mood. Sexualists aren't 
waiting around for someone to light some 
damn candles." Foot fetishists are sensual- 
ists, as is anyone who experiments with 
tantric sex, writes erotic e-mail or fusses over 
dimming the lights. Henry Miller and Mar- 
ilyn Monroe were sensualists; Jack Nichol- 
son and Xena the Warrior Princess are sex- 
ualists. Like you, Carver is a sexualist. “1 
had sex with à sensualist once. He hung his 
hair around my face like a ient, cutting off. 
all light, and said, “How does that look and 
feel?’ I realized he was waiting for me to 
compliment him on his eroticism, and until I 
did, he was withholding his thrusts. So I lied 
and said, "That's so cool." The issue isn't 
your different approaches to sex, but the lack 
of variety. Unless your new boyfriend is will- 
ing to set aside his sensualism once in a 
while and let you take charge, this relation- 
ship may be a challenge. 


ІН... you heard about a product that 
supposedly cuts down the effect of vibra- 


40 tions on audio equipment? It's called 


a vibrator pod or something similar.— 
R.L., Toledo, Ohio 

You're thinking of Vibra Pods, introduced. 
last year by Sam Kennard, a St. Louis vinyl 
products manufacturer and audiophile. As 
the story goes, a CD player began skipping 
one day at the factory and Kennard grabbed. 
a few seals from the production line to cor- 
rect the problem. He spent the next month ex- 
perimenting with design, dimensions and 
thickness. Kennard claims his pods provide 
improved bass definition and a wider sound- 
stage, among other benefits. Audiophiles 
seem lo love them; casual listeners may not 
notice much difference in the sound but will 
appreciate that their CDs and albums don't 
skip whenever someone starts to dance. You 
can learn more at vibrapod.com, or order the 
product. by phoning 800-782-3472. Each. 
pod costs $6, and you're allowed a 30-day 
audition. The four models differ in the 
amount of weight they can bear (from two 
to 28 pounds); most components require at 


least four pods. 


When greeting a woman, what is the 
proper way to shake her hand?—].K., 
Raleigh, North Carolina 

Extend your hand only if she offers hers 
first, grasp her entire hand (not just her fin- 
gers) and squeeze her hand with no more 
pressure than she uses to squeeze yours. That 
last rule applies to other parts of the body 


as weil. 


The other night at the bar, two of my 
friends pointed out a gorgeous woman. 
After she and I made eye contact, off I 
went, plowing through the crowd to in- 
troduce myself. As 1 approached, I put 
my latest pickup strategy into action: I 
pretended to trip, fell to the floor in 
front of her, then feigned embarrass- 
ment and let her feel sorry for me as I 
scrambled to my feet, It worked like a 
charm, but I need a new strategy. My 
friends and I often go to the same bar, so 
before long my "falling for you” move 
will be well known. Can you suggest any 
techniques? —TL., Roanoke, Virginia 

Wow, that's desperate. Granted, your 
method makes an impression. As a general 
rule, however, “klutz” should never be the 
first thought to cross а woman's mind when 
meeting you. Women are more impressed by 
confidence than cons. Be polite and friendly 
and she'll remember your name rather than. 
your heels. 


V. it true that the more a woman enjoys 
sex, the more likely it is she'll get preg- 
nant?—W.A., Omaha, Nebraska 

Perhaps. А recent study suggests lhat, al 
least among couples trying to have children, 
sperm fares better in women who enjoy the 
sex, A team of researchers examined fertility 
tests of 54 women with an average age of 30 
who had been trying to conceive for at least a 
year. Each woman was asked to have inter- 
course with her partner. Two to three hours 
later, researchers measured the amount of. 


sperm in each woman’s cervical mucus. 
Each woman also was asked to rate her sat- 
isfaction with the sexual encounter, the in- 
tensity of her arousal and her orgasm (if 
any). Nearly half of those who said they 
hadn't enjoyed themselves had no sperm in 
their cervical mucus, compared with ten per- 
cent of those who had the most energetic sex- 
ual response (including orgasm). Some sci- 
entists believe the contractions of female 
climax may speed sperm on their way. Still, 
rape victims, women who have never 
reached orgasm and inexperienced teenagers 
become pregnant, so bad sex should not be 
considered an effective contraceptive. 


T have a beautiful neighbor who is driv- 
ing me wild. She lives across the street 
and undresses with her drapes open. 
She doesn't just change her clothes, 
though. She'll lie across her bed, naked, 
fingering herself and playing with her 
breasts. (One night she pulled out two 
dildos and found a place for both of 
them.) After about an hour of this, she'll. 
get dressed (no panties) and head out 
for the evening. When she brings home 
a guy, he usually closes the drapes. But 
she has conducted an entire evening's 
sex play with the lights on and the 
drapes open. Naturally, Га like to move 
from the audience to the stage. I bribed 
her doorman for her name, and her 
phone number is listed. Should I tell her 
that I'm a fan of her nightly shows? 
Should I contrive to run into her at the 
supermarket? Why would this woman 
act this way, and how can I channel her 
energy? By the way, her "show" can be 
seen from at least 20 units in my apart- 
ment building. She's hardly providing. 
me with an exclusive.—R.W., Philadel- 
phia, Pennsylvania 

This woman sounds like a raging exhibi- 
tionist, and a wonderful neighbor. Ask her 
out in the same way you would any attractive 
stranger, but introduce yourself ai the market 
or on the street rather than making a cold 
call. That gives her a chance to size you up. 
If the evening goes well and she invites you 
back to her place, close the drapes. You nev- 
er know who might be watching. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, laste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write 
the Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
or advisor @playboy.com. Look for responses 
10 our most frequently asked questions al 
unww.playbay.com/fag, and check out the Ad- 
visor's latest collection of sex tricks, 365 
Ways to Improve Your Sex Life (Plume), 
available in bookstores or by phoning $00- 


423-9494. 
EJ 


THE P 


LAYBOY FORUM 


numus; THE JOKE HOTLINE ............. 
o om demittit X urne 


how we keep our heroes humble 


Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after 
having sex? 

A: ГЇЇ be home in 20 minutes. 

Q: Why does President Clinton wear 
underwear? 

А: To keep his ankles warm. 

Q: What is Clinton’s new Secret Service 
code name? 

A: Unabanger. 

Q: How did 500 women surveyed at 
random respond when asked if they would 
have sex with Bill Clinton? 

A: Fighty-two percent said, Not again 

Q: How does Paula Jones compare with 
Monica Lewinsky? 

A: Close, but no cigar. 

Thomas Jefferson will be remem- 
bered for the Declaration of Inde- 
pendence, Abraham Lincoln for the 
Gettysburg Address, and William Jef- 
ferson Clinton for his contribution to 
the joke hotline. While some pundits 
have celebrated the liberation of lan- 
guage that followed Mon- 
Icagate, claiming we 
are now having so- 
phisticated conver- 
sations about oral 
sex and adultery, 
the truth is some- 
what less elevated. 
For most Ameri- 
cans, the Clinton 
quandary begins 
and ends in blunt 
humor. 

The joke hotline has become 
America’s tragicomic chorus, turning 
scandal into punch lines. It is said to 
have originated in the trading pits on 
Wall Street, as men hawking stocks 
over the phone used the joke du jour 
to break the ice. Dentists use recycled 
jokes instead of nitrous oxide. E-mail 
would vanish without a steady supply 
of one-liners. In a way, joke hotlines 
are as subversive as the Tijuana bibles 
that surfaced during the Depression. 
No celebrity is safe from sexual ridi- 
cule, especially if caught in a compro- 
mising position. 

Prior to July 1991 Paul Reubens 
was known as his alter ego, Pee-wee 
Herman. The star of the children's 
show Pee-wee's Playhouse and two films 
(Pee-wee's Big Adventure and Big Top 
Pee-wee), Reubens was a kind of hu- 
man Howdy Doody. A demented gig- 
gle. Furniture for friends. A іше 


weird but essentially harmless. 

That changed when he walked out 
of the South Trail Cinema in Saraso- 
ta, Florida and was confronted by a 
vice squad officer. 

Reubens was arrested for violating 
a statute prohibiting exposure of sex- 
ual organs. The police report stated 
that Reubens, while watching a porn 
film in a darkened theater, "did begin 
to masterbate [sic].” 

The Washington Post wondered 
about police who couldn't spell and 
about a police department that as- 
signed not one but three undercover 
agents to spot flapping elbows in a 
theater. Reubens' lawyer tried to have 
the charges dismissed, saying it wasn't. 
logical to arrest someone for expos- 
ing his genitalia in a room where 
20-foot-high genitalia were be- 
ing projected onto a screen. 
America wasn't interested 
in hypocrisy or legal 
maneuverings. 

Q: Did you hear that 


Pee-wee Herman declined legal represen- 
tation? He figures he can get himself off. 

0: Did you hear that Pee-wee's line of 
clothing is discounted now in stores? His 
pants are half off. 

Q: What are Pee-wee Herman's favorite 
baseball teams? 

A: The Expos and Yanks. 

Q: What is Pee-wee’s favorite insurance 
company? 

A: Allstate—the Good Hands people. 

Late-night television hosts worked 
the incident into monologs. David 
Letterman said, “One thing you can 
say for Pee-wee Herman—at least he 
wasn’t talking during the movie.” 

Pee-wee became linked to subse- 
quent scandals. 

О: What's the difference between O.J. 


RELATA в; 
f$ By JAMES R. PETERSEN Ё! 
AA AR 


Simpson and Pee-wee Herman? 
A: It took only 12 jerks to get O.J. off. 
Q: What do John. Wayne Bobbitt and 

OJ. have in common? 

‘A: They've both been separated from a 
loved one. 

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lo- 
rena Bobbitt? 

A: You going to eat that? 

О; What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee- 
wee Herman? 

A: Stop playing with my food. 

When Hugh Grant was arrested for 
getting a backseat blow job from Di- 
vine Brown, his career may not have 
suffered, but his place in the public 
consciousness did. 

Q: Why did Hugh Grant buy a BMW? 

A: More head room. 
Jay Leno joked about 
Grant’s BMW: “And 
you thought there 
were stains in the 
back of OJ. Simp- 
son's car.” 

When Michael 
Jackson's sleep- 
overs with boys 

became public, the 
hotline lit up. 

О: How do you know it's bed- 

time in Neverland? 

A: The big hand is on the lit- 

tle gland. 

Rape trials generated their 

own crude verdicts. 

О: What does the sign outside the Ken- 
nedys' Palm Beach compound say? 

A: Tiespassers will be violated. 

When a woman accused sportscast- 
er Marv Albert of forced sodomy, 
cross-dressing and assault, the joke 
hotline gave us these: 

Q: What did Marv do when he got a 
pink slip from NBC? 

A: He put it on. 

0: What's the difference between Marv 
Albert and Sharon Stone? 

А: Marv wears panties. 

The joke hotline is the modern ver- 
sion of the Puritan stocks, a form of 
public humiliation. 

At least one of the victims recov- 
ered his dignity. In 1991 Paul Reu- 
bens walked to the podium at the MTV 
Music Video Awards as Pee-wee Her- 
man, eyed the audience and asked, 
“Heard any good jokes lately?” 

He had caught America in the act. 


41 


42 


dependent prosecutor Ken 
rr testified last November 

“fore Congress. He was calm 
ard articulate in his attack 
ой President Clinton. He dis- 

issed critics who charged him 
with abusing the power of his 
office. He was not the point man for a 
puritan agenda. Above all, his actions 
expressed his "reverence for the laws." 
"Those who are familiar with Starr's 
career found the performance chilling- 
ly consistent. 

As solicitor general during the Bush 
administration, Starr staged blatant at- 
tacks on the Bill of Rights. Long before 
Zippergate, he opposed putting limits 
on law enforcement. 

According to Starr, there was no rea- 
son for the Supreme Court to overturn 
anything—not foolish laws enacted by 
Congress, not convictions achieved by 
deceptive prosecutors, not the tainted 
results of entrapment operations and 
not huge seizures of property based on 
minor offenses. 


OVERKILL? 


In 1989 a 
federal attor- 
ney launched a 
major effort to 
put the own- j 
er of 13 Min- 
nesota erotica 
shops out of 
business. After 
a grand jury 
investigation 
and a four- 
month trial, a 
court convict- 
ed Ferris Alex- 
ander of sell- 
ing four obscene magazines and three 
obscene videos—a minuscule propor- 
tion of the material sold at his whole- 
sale and retail adult-entertainment 
outlets. 

U.S. marshals seized thousands of 
books, magazines and videotapes from 
Alexander's stores, as well as the stores 
themselves, real estate, bank accounts, 
two vans and a trailer. Alexander esti- 
mated the value of the seized assets at 
$25 million. The government burned 
his books and crushed his videotapes. 
The destruction of the three tons of 


we knew him when 
By JAMES BOVARD 


materials overwhelmed a Minnesota 
garbage processing plant, resulting in a 
minor explosion when a box of nitrous 
poppers ignited. Most of the items de- 
stroyed by the feds had never been de- 
clared obscene. 

In his presentation to the Supreme 
Court, Starr, with an eye for pruri- 
ent sexual detail, stressed that one of 
the seized films had been She-Male En- 
counters (as if a guy with breasts were 
enough to justify the obscenity rap and 
resulting conflagration). 

Starr told the justices that all the ma- 
terial Alexander sold “partook of the 
same nature. They were adult enter- 

tainment materials.” 
Justice David Sou- 
ter challenged 


Starr's logic: ^I don't see how we can 
assume the identity of eroticism with 
obscenity.” Justice John Paul Stevens 
agreed: “It’s puzzling why you burned 
it all.” 

Starr: “The government's concern, 
Justice Stevens, was that these materi- 
als were ОЁ... а similar nature.” 

Would Starr confiscate all the jets 
owned by American Airlines if that 
company “showed three or four ob- 
scene movies in a flight from here to 
California”? Starr conceded that if it 
were “corporate policy” to show the 


O KEN STARR'S GREATEST HITS O 


films, then the government could lay 
claim to all the airline's assets. 


BUS SWEEP 


On August 27, 1985 police in Brow- 
ard County, Florida searched a bus and 
arrested Terrance Bostick after they 
found cocaine in his travel bag. Bostick 
argued that the search was an invalid 
seizure. In late 1989 the Florida Su- 
preme Court, in a four-to-three vote, 
denounced and banned the practice 
of mass bus searches, declaring: “Rov- 
ing patrols, random sweeps and arbi- 
trary searches would go far to elimi- 
nate [drug courier] crime in this state. 
Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia and Com- 
munist Cuba have demonstrated all too 
tellingly the effectiveness of such meth- 
ods. Yet we are not a state that sub- 
scribes to the notion that ends justify 
means.” 

"The state of Florida appealed the de- 
cision to the U.S. Supreme Court, 
where Solicitor 
General Starr, 
representing 
the interests 
of the federal 
government 
and the police, 
protested. 
The defen- 
dant “was not 
confronted by 
the threaten- 
ing presence 
of several offi- 
cers speaking 
in command- 
ing tones and 
blocking his 
exit or requir- 
sue». ing him to move 
to an interview room. Instead, he was 
approached by two officers who spoke 
in conversational tones, who did not 
force him to move and who stood in a 
manner that did not block his access 
to the aisle.” 

Oh, really? The government conced- 
ed in its argument that one of the offi- 
cers partially blocked the aisle in front 
of Bostick, and the defense suggested 
that the aisle was only about 15 inches 
wide. The bus driver had left the bus 
and dosed the door after the officers 
arrived, thereby making it appear that 


the bus was scaled off for the duration 
of the search. 

What would have happened had the 
suspect said no when the officers asked 
to search his bags? Starr insisted in oral 
arguments, "This is a free society. You 
have the right to say no." In his brief, 
Starr told the court, "It is clear that law 
enforcement officers may draw no in- 
ference justifying a search or seizure 
from a refusal to cooperate. That is, 
officers lacking legal justification to 
detain a person may not bootstrap non- 
compliance into justification for a de- 
tention, because in that event a citizen 
would in effect have no way of declin- 
ing to participate in a ‘consensual’ en- 
counter with the police.” 

For a man who bootstrapped non- 
compliance into a writ of impeach- 
ment, his 1990 argument seems a 
touch disingenuous. As the ACLU not- 
ed, officers in several cases had “testi- 
fied that a refusal to cooperate ‘might 
be suspicious’ and might cause police 
to notify authorities.” Charles Sullivan, 
a DEA spokesman in Louisiana, ob- 
served that if people are uncoopera- 
tive, “you cast all your suspicions to- 
ward them.” 

The Supreme Court ruled in Starr's 
favor, decrecing that “the mere fact 
that Bostick did not feel free to leave 
the bus does not mean that the police 
seized him.” 


WHAT? ME LIE? 


In 1988 a federal grand jury charged 
John Williams Jr. of Oklahoma with 
providing false information on bank 
loan applications. In obtaining the in- 
dictment, the prosecution withheld ex- 
culpatory information from five boxes 
of Williams’ financial statements and 
depositions that might have proved he 
had no intent to defraud or mislead the 
banks. A federal district court and a 
federal appeals court threw out the 
indictment. 

Fortunately, Ken Starr rode in to 
save the honor—or at least the prerog- 
atives—of federal attorneys. Arguing 
the case before the Supreme Court in 
1992, he insisted that while judges 
might review prosecutorial misconduct 
on a case-by-case basis, the judiciary 
should not “tell the prosecutor how to 
discharge his obligation.” 

Starr fretted that if the courts could 
overturn indictments based on mis- 
leading information, the result would 
be “confusion-producing litigation. . . . 
The criminal justice system needs pre- 
dictability and it needs certainty.” Ap- 
parently, it does not need truth. 

Starr's arguments won: The Court, 
by a five-to-four margin, proclaimed 


that a grand jury is “an accusatory 
body” obliged to “hear only the prose- 
cutor's side.” 


DAMN THE EVIDENCE. 


Hungarian immigrant and Pennsyl- 
vania resident John Pozsgai was con- 
victed of violating federal wetlands law 
after he put at least 32 truckloads of 
dirt and landfill on what one reporter 
described as a “ragged, weed-covered 
lot bordered by a four-lane state high- 
way, a tre shop, a lumberyard and a 
junkyard filled with smashed cars.” But 
because the land was near a canal, the 
feds launched a high-profile prosecu- 
tion of Pozsgai for violating the Clean 
Water Act, which prohibits anyone 
from polluting waterways used in in- 
terstate commerce. Although Pozsgai 
did no environmental harm, he re- 
ceived a three-year prison sentence 
and a $200,000 fine. 

Starr did not initiate this prosecu- 


uon, but he did intervene to keep Pozs- 
gai in prison. A key piece of evidence 
offered at the trial were photos that 
purportedly showed that a stream on 
Pozsgai's property ran into the Penn- 
sylvania Canal—which prosecutors 
claimed had been used for interstate 
commerce. After the trial, Pozsgai's 
lawyers discovered that those pho- 
tographs showed no such thing. They 
appealed to the Supreme Court. Starr 
filed a brief that admitted that the pic- 
tures were inaccurate: “We have exam- 
ined the photographs and determined 
that they do not show the stream flow- 
ing into the canal.” The canal, which 
had been designated as a historical 
landmark, was closed to interstate com- 
merce, but never mind. The conviction 
should stand. 

The Court, as usual, bowed to the so- 
licitor general's wishes. Damn the evi- 
dence. The prosecutor will define the 


terms. The Clean Water Act was a good 
law, even if the facts didn't quite fit. 


‘THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF ENTRAPMENT 


In 1984 the Postal Inspection Service 
got the name of Keith Jacobson, a 56- 
year-old Nebraska farmer and veteran 
of the Korean and Vietnam wars, from 
a bookstore that had sold him two 
copies of Bare Boys magazine. Over the 
next two and a half years, five govern- 
ment-created entities sent Jacobson ten 
letters, including two solicitations to 
buy pictures. A prohibited-mail special- 
ist at the Postal Inspection Service, 
masquerading as a pen pal, wrote a 
letter to the defendant describing his 
“male-male” interest. In his response, 
Jacobson indicated that he was op- 
posed to pedophilia. One of the gov- 
ernment-created companies, Far East- 
ern Trading Co., supposedly in Hong 
Kong, required Jacobson to affirm that 
he was "not an undercover law en- 
forcement officer or agent of the U.S. 
government acting in an undercover 
capacity for the purpose of entrapping 
Far Eastern Trading." Eventually, Ja- 
cobson placed an order for one mag- 
azine; the Postal Service delivered 
it, and shortly thereafter, the agents 
arrested Jacobson and searched his 
house for other evidence of his de- 
viance. They found the material that 
the government had sent him and the 
copies of Bare Boys magazine. 

One of the major issues in the Su- 
preme Court's review of the case was 
whether Jacobson was predisposed to 
order kid porn or whether he was the 
victim of overzealous investigation. Did 
the federal government have a reason- 
able basis to involve the Postal Service 
and Customs to ensnare a Nebraska 
farmer who had never been convicted 
or accused of any crime except for a 
drunk-driving conviction 30 years ear- 
lier? Starr, in his brief for the U.S. 
Court of Appeals for the Eighth Cir- 
cuit, declared: “The government is not 
required to have a reasonable bı 
believe a person is engaged in cri 
activity before it may approach 
that person as part of an undercover 
investigation." 

Starr was especially worried that re- 
quiring reasonable suspicion would 
undermine government stings. Thus, 
for justice to triumph, government 
must have the right to entrap all cit- 
izens. For once, the Supreme Court 
rejected Starr's argument and over- 
turned Jacobson's conviction. 


James Bovard is the author of Freedom in 
Chains: The Rise of the State and the De- 
mise of the Citizen (St. Martin's Press). 


43 


44 


EXPOSING FORFEITURE 
When people think of for- 
feiture (“The King's Riches,” 
by James Bovard, The Playboy 
Forum, December), it's usually 
in the context of the war on 
drugs. But forfeiture reaches 
far beyond that; it's a law en- 
forcement tool in the war on all 
crimes. Here is the standard 
pattern: You're suspected of a 
crime and officials seize any 
property “associated” with the 
alleged crime, whether or not it 
belongs to you. If you hope to 
regain your property, the bur- 
den has now shifted to you or 
the owner to prove your inno- 
cence—and that's possible only 
in areas that offer an "innocent- 
owner defense" statute. No 
crime has to be proved. If you 
want to reduce your chance of 
being charged, forget about re- 
claiming your property. 

Bizarre? Not from a law en- 
forcement perspective. Cops 
get to keep the property, which 
explains why forfeiture has ex- 
ploded in recent years. It's a 
moneymaker. Until reporters 
for The Orlando Sentinel exposed 
the practice, the Volusia Coun- 
ty, Florida sheriff's department 
stopped cars on 1-95 only be- 
cause the drivers matched a 
drug courier profile. Police 
seized nearly $8 million on the 
suspicion that it was drug money. 
Currently, an unlikely cast of 
players is leading the charge for 
reform. Among them are Re- 
publican congressmen Henry 
Hyde (Illinois) and Bob Barr 
(Georgia). 

But the Justice Department 
is fighting reform at every step. 
Late in the last session, Con- 
gress tried to pass a bill that 
would actually enhance the 
government's forfeiture pow- 
ers. The Justice bill was a veri- 
table law enforcement wish list. 
Fortunately, Hyde blocked it. 
Roger Pilon 


Center for Constitutional Studies 


Cato Institute 
Washington, D.C. 


Even so, forfeiture continues to be seen as 
a source of government funding. In 1997, 
NBC's “Dateline” documented the practice 
of Louisiana sheriff's deputies who stopped 


FOR THE RECORD 


“In late July, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani began 
shutting down strip clubs, and over the next 
month, the Dow Jones industrial average 
plunged 1500 points. In September, a court rul- 
ing gave some clubs a partial reprieve, where- 
upon the market began to recover. Last Wednes- 
day, a strip club won another round in court, 
and the Dow surged 250 points the rest of the 
week. Mere coincidence? The last time a righ- 
teous mayor crusaded to close down strip joints, 
New York endured a long testosterone drought 
known as the Great Depression, and it took a 
world war to get the economy moving again. 
Fiorello LaGuardia thought those were just co- 
incidences, too.” 

JOHN TIERNEY IN The New York Times, REPORT- 
ING ON RESEARCH THAT SHOWED TESTOSTERONE 
LEVELS IN CAGED MALE MONKEYS ROSE WHEN 
"THEY COULD WATCH—BUT NOT TOUCH—FEMALE 
MONKEYS 


motorists for little or no cause and seized 
cars and cash under the state's forfeiture 
laws. According to NBC, the deputies start- 
ed a slush fund with the money, which they 
used to pay for pizza, doughnuts and a ski 
trip. Meanwhile, some residents of Enfield, 
Connecticut are campaigning for a canine 
unit, in part to bring revenue to the town 
through drug forfeiture laws. 


PROTECTING PRIVACY 
The growing misuse of per- 
sonal information is hardly 
news (“Leaking Data,” by Mark 
Frauenfelder, The Playboy Fo- 
rum, December). The big ques- 
tion is, What can be done? 
Here are three possible an- 
swers: First, let's enact laws to 
protect privacy. Technology is 
racing into the 21st century, 
while our privacy laws reflect 
the late Seventies. Second, let's 
put new technologies in place 
to protect privacy. Good en- 
cryption and pseudonymous 
identities would give us all a lit- 
tle more control over our digi- 
tal personae. Third, if numbers 
one and two don't work, let's 
just turn it all off. 
Marc Rotenberg 
Electronic Privacy Infor- 
mation Center 
Washington, D.C. 


WON'T INHALE 

1 ат amazed at David Abo- 
lafia's statement (“Reader Re- 
sponse,” The Playboy Forum, De- 
cember): "If every member of 
the Drug Enforcement Admin- 
istration had a family member 
in pain from cancer and knew 
relief was available, marijuana's 
classification would be changed." 

1 ат a special agent with the 
DEA and have been in law en- 
forcement for six years. I have 
seen what marijuana and other 
drugs do to people: judgments, 
personalities and families. 

Seven years ago, my father 
died of cancer. He suffered a lot 
but found relief by using pre- 
scribed, legitimate medicine. 
During his last six months, he 
never considered a drag on a 
joint to ease his pain. His ap- 
petite was stimulated by medi- 
cine, not by an inhalation of 
marijuana's carcinogens. The 
medicine prescribed to my fa- 


ther allowed him to die with dignity 
and pride. 

The people who promote medical 
marijuana overlook the following: 

(1) Medicine is a progressive disci- 
pline, not regressive. (Yes, we can learn 
of new medicines by looking to the 
past, but not with smoking pot.) 

(2) The active ingredient (THC) in 


marijuana has been prescribed for 
years, but is far less effective than legit- 
imate drugs. 

(3) Just because something makes 
you feel good doesn't mean you should 
ingest it. Snorting gas or glue fumes 
gives a euphoric feeling but damages 
brain cells. 

(4) Inhaling smoke, in any form, is 
unhealthy and can lead to lung cancer 
and emphysema. 

No, Mr. Abolafia, I don't feel that 
marijuana should be reclassified. Re- 
classifying marijuana as a schedule II 
drug would only imply that its use is le- 
gitimate and wouldn't change its dam- 
aging properties. There is relief avail- 
able, as new generations of medicine 
surpass the need to use marijuana. 

Your excuse to sit around and get 
stoncd is a thing of the past. 

(Name withheld by request) 
San Diego, California 


WASHED UP 

The Federal Emergency Manage- 
ment Agency seems to have taken the 
cue from James Bovard's article on the 
agency's spendthrift ways ("The Un- 
natural Disaster" The Playboy Forum, 
June). Citing a need to curtail out-of- 
control spending, FEMA director 
James Lee Witt said he intends to cut 
by half the $200 million a year the fed- 
eral government spends subsidizing 
flood insurance for properties that are 
repeatedly damaged. 

Bovard wrote that "subsidized flood 
insurance bribes people to ignore com- 
mon sense." Flood insurance had “back- 
fired, putting more people in harm's 
way.” Now, James Lee Witt says, "Peo- 
ple need to accept the responsibility 
and the consequences of their choice 
to live in high-risk areas. We should 
charge people who live in high-risk ar- 
eas the fair market rates for insurance, 
instead of the lower, subsidized feder- 
al flood-insurance rates.” Maybe Witt 
reads PLAYBOY? 

David Arnoff 
Boulder, Colorado 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chi- 
cago, Illinois 60611. Please include a day- 
time telephone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include your city and state). 


HMH AWARDS 


this year’s first amendment champs 


“Telling the 
truth in a town 
of 2500 can be 
harder than it 
is in a big city,” 
says Jean Sut- 
ton. She and 
her husband, 
Goodloe, pub- 
lish The Demo- 
crat-Reporter in 
Linden, Ala- 
bama. The Sut- 
tons knew they 
had a good sto- 


ry when they reported that the + 


local sheriff was using county 


funds to buy his daughter an all | 
terrain vehicle. They also knew ` 


they were in for trouble. They 
were harassed and received 
death threats, but they continued 
their coverage. When a source 
tipped them off that the sheriff 
was pocketing drug enforcement 
money and that some of his dep- 
uties were protecting dealers, the 
Suttons ran the story. In May 
1997, the Drug Enforcement Ad- 
ministration made southern Al- 
abama's largest drug bust, arrest- 


ing 69 people, including the | 


county's chief drug enforcement. 


officer. A judge sentenced the > 


sheriff to 27 months in prison for 
accepting kickbacks; this year we 
presented the Suttons with a 
Hugh M. Hefner First Amend- 
ment Award. 

Established in 1979, the HMH 


award recognizes individuals Î 


whose courage and commitment. 


embody the First Amendment. € 


Our other winners stories: 
Tisha Byars, an honor student 
at Wilby High School in Water- 


zo 


D 


E 


ET 
Ber 


ERDE 


bury, Connecticut, refused to {7 


participate in the pledge of alle- 
giance during class. She says she 
disagrees with the statement that 
there is “liberty and justice for 
all,” especially for African Ameri- 


Eno Shall tineis rental © Were lem, clear ir 


Byars admission to the National 


Honor Society, 
despite her 3.75 
grade pointaver- 
age. Assisted by 
the Connecticut 
Civil Liberties 
Union, Byars 
filed suit. The 
principal called 
her treatment 
"standard proce- 
dure." A judge 
called it oppres- 
sive. Beginning 
last fall, Water- 
bury school officials made the 
pledge a matter of personal 
choice. Byars is now a student at 
the University of Connecticut. 
As executive director of the 
Oklahoma County library sys- 
tem, Lee Brawner is a staunch 
supporter of First Amendment 
rights. For the past several years, 
Oklahomans for Children and 
Families demanded that Oklaho- 
ma City's library restrict access 
to controversial materials. At his 
own expense, Brawner mailed 
letters to more than 400 resi- 
dents, warning of the threat to 
their freedom. With the help of a 
grassroots organization, Citizens 
Supporting Open Libraries, 
Brawner helped block state legis- 
lation that would have forced li- 
braries to restrict access. OCAF 
then charged that the library 
contained child pornography in 
the form of the Academy Award- 
winning movie The Tin Drum. 
"They demanded it be removed. 
Brawner refused. Plainclothes 
policemen visited the homes of 
residents who had checked out 


! the videos and seized the tapes. 


In December 1997, a federal 
judge ruled the seizures uncon- 
stitutional. After 27 years of ser- 
vice to Oklahoma City residents 
as a champion for free expres- 
sion, Brawner will retire this fall. 


work with an HMH Award. 


45 


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is this the new feminist agenda? 


up with a new source of billable 

hours, and Jane Larson has come 
up with a doozy. She wants to reinvent 
common law to redress heartache. The 
University of Wisconsin law professor 
proposes a "tort of sexual fraud" that 
would enable men and women (main- 
ly women) to sue ex-lovers for fraud 
when they feel jilted. “Feel” is the oper- 
ative word here, for jilted women could 
charge fraud and collect damages 
whenever they felt they had traded sex 
or emotional commitment for a faded 

romise. 

Swindlers can already be sued for 
shady business dealings and failed con- 
tracts, so why not for welshing on con- 
tracts of the heart? Larson's head must 
have swum with visions of riches when 
she dreamed that up. At last, she must 
have thought, redress for 5000 years of 
bad job prospects and unequal pay. 
The law could level the field by fining 
men for being jerks. 

This cash-for-sex scheme seemed lu- 
natic in 1994 when we first read Lar- 
son's law journal article that laid out 
her plan. Larson's proposal still would 
seem crazy today—if her logic hadn't 
already prevailed in courts in Illinois 
and California. 

Larson and Linda Hirshman, a pro- 
fessor of philosophy and women's stud- 
ies al Brandeis University, lay out their 
broader curriculum in Hard Bargains: 
The Politics of Sex. A 312-page history of 
sex and law in the Western world, from 
Hammurabi's Code and Greek slave 
markets to Clarence Thomas and Mon- 
ica Lewinsky, the book leaves no sheet 
unturned to make its point that sex be- 
tween men and women should not be 
a private matter. Instead, sex is an ex- 
tension of social life, and every sex act 
contributes somehow to the public wel- 
fare. The argument builds on the anti- 
sex feminism forged 15 years ago by 
Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea 
Dworkin that regards heterosexual sex 
asa plot to enslave women. The sexual 
revolution, according to them, was a 
libertine trap. 

Larson and Hirshman want to move 
feminism to the next level by reshaping 
even happy sexual relationships. To do 


L: every lawyer's dream to come 


By TED C. FISHMAN 


that, they begrudgingly acknowledge 
that sex is something people seem to 
want. “History gives strong evidence 
that, however culturally constructed 
and malleable sexual desire may be, 
there is some natural minimum of het- 
erosexual desire within the human 
population,” they note. “In most eras 
of Western history, both women and 
men have been recognized as feeling 
powerful sexual drives, very often for 
each other.” 

Burdened with “a minimum of this 
desire,” women comprise one big sorry 


. Jilted women 
could sue 
—forfraud 


апа collect | 
damages _ 
over faded 

` promises. 


group. They "face the choice of accept- 
ing a bargain of sex on bad terms, or 
living a solitary life on beuer terms, but. 
with no sex." Louts or celibacy, that's 
the choice, with nothing in between. 
Seeing history through this lens calls 
up odd perspectives, such as Larson 
and Hirshman's view that the Victorian 
era offered women more power over 
their sex lives than the modern revolu- 
tion. Why? Because a century ago the 
law trapped men and women in mar- 
riages with little alternative for sexu- 
al fulfillment, and thus forced men to 
bargain more generously for sex with 
their wives. That is the thrust of Larson 
and Hirshman's bold ght into fe- 
male empowerment: The more prized 


women are as chattel, the freer and 
richer they will be. Trophy wives and 
White House interns might regard this 
view as liberating. For the rest of hu- 
manity it's a recipe for disaster. 

Hard Bargains suggests the govern- 
ment change laws that regulate four 
kinds of sexual activity: rape, fornica- 
tion, extramarital sex and prostitution. 

For rape, Larson and Hirshman like 
strong antirape laws not just because 
rapists violate their victims but because 
rapists, if allowed to rampage freely, 
would never get married. "Men should 
marry more if the rape cost is high," 
the authors predict. In their odd logic, 
antirape laws help women by forcing 
would-be sex offenders into matrimo- 
ny. The underlying message is not that 
women will take any kind of men they 
can get but that all men are rapists. In 
this absurd, and psychologically sim- 
ple universe, men who are considering 
tying the knot don't ask their best. 
friends, "Is she the right one for me?" 
but "Should I give up force and start 
haggling for sex?” 

Fornication is one more hoary ille- 
gality that the authors hope will make a 
comeback. Strictly speaking, fornica- 
tion is the offense of sex outside mar- 
riage. About half of the states still have 
laws against fornication, but they are 
rarely enforced. That, the authors be- 
lieve, is a shame: “The laws against for- 
nication generally elevated the status 
of women in history by increasing the 
price men paid for heterosexual ac- 
cess," they argue. 

To their credit, Larson and Hirsh- 
man want to spare fornicators prison, 
though they plan to institutionalize the 
practice in another way: by making 
fornication subject to contract. Larson 
and Hirshman also call for the return 
of concubinage, or the kept woman. 
"This time around, however, the woman 
would be kept under contract. "We see 
no reason why sex should be ruled out 
as a motivation for exchange between 
intimates," they write. "When fornica- 
tion is accompanied by a web of other 
commitments, the law at least must al- 
low individuals to guard their interests 
by contract. We propose that express 
promises be enforced with particular 


fidelity—sexual bargains such as 'yes, if 
you support me; or 'yes, if you leave 
me all of your money when you die,’ 
should be accepted as fair trades." 

The theorists go further, proposing 
state laws that would force long-term 
lovers to share some of their property 
“whether or not the parties agreed or 
expected to do so." The conditions un- 
der which the concubine might strike 
it rich are legion. She gets paid if she 
moves to another town to join her lov- 
er, if she drops out of school, if she 
agrees to keep house, and so on. And 
she doesn't receive just any amount but. 
"shares of pension, insurance, public 
benefits or investments” and a share of 
her man's estate when he dics, “even if 
the relationship ends before death." 

What is the so-called feminist ratio- 
nale for ceding to kept women forced 
largesse from their keepers? Professors 
Larson and Hirshman suggest it’s that 
mistresses are bimbos who need 
protection. Women “in 
long-term nonmarital 
unions,” they state, 
"tend to be weak and 
foolish." 

We could cynical- 
ly cheer Larson and 
Hirshman's view of the 
liberated concubine, 
applauding the way it 
scraps 30 years of prog- 
ress toward sexual 
equality in favor of the 
shuttered sex kitten. 
Men could adopt their 
economic calculus. We 
could even extend it, 
demanding, for in- 
stance, that we get paid 
for the sacrifices we 
make to keep our kit- 
tens. Even better, wc 
could insist that men 
collect on the future val- 
ue of their "property" and the oppor- 
tunities we give them. If you hire a 
maid to spare your kept woman house- 
work, she should reimburse you when 
you break up. Pay for her MBA, then 
garnish her future earnings when she 
lands the big job at the hedge fund. 
Teach her some tantric massage tech- 
nique that helps her bag a richer keep- 
er, and claim your share of his pie! 
Once everything in a relations! 
signed cash value, there is nothing the 
accountant need leave out. 

Even adulterous affairs are for sale in 
Larson-Hirshman home economics. 
Unlike fornication, adultery involves a 
betrayal of a promise a husband and 
wife make to be faithful to each other. 


For Larson and Hirshman the promise 
is ironclad. No-fault divorce, in which 
couples free themselves of each other 
and the pain of an ugly court battle, 
lets men off the hook too easily. 

“The most appropriate remedy for 
adultery is civil compensation, either in 
the form of a 'bonus' in the division of 
marital property upon divorce, or a 
tort action for money damages avail- 
able during the ongoing marriage." 

Do these vanguard feminists realize 
what conventional women they are, en- 
dorsing the timeworn male strategy of 
buying your way out of the doghouse? 
“Their theoretical framework for ex- 
tracting property from men may be 
somewhat more sophisticated than a 
wifely pout or rage. It is, after all, built 
on the idea that women reluctantly 
offer themselves sexually to men in 
exchange for the promise of fidelity. 
Presumably, then, every kind of philan- 
dering has its price. Fondle the secre- 


tary and pay five bucks. Take her to a 
hotel room, and your wife can sock you 
for $100. Sleep with your wife's best 
friend for a year, and it's a ski trip to 
St.-Moritz. Enterprising wives could in- 
troduce their husbands to fetching vix- 
ens and needy widows, then sit back 
and hope he falls for an expensive 
pass. If a man were rich enough, he'd 
never have to sleep with his wife at all, 
which by Larson and Hirshman's cal- 
culation might be the perfect marriage. 

If, as the authors claim, women bar- 
gain away their bodies for fidelity, then 
surely they ought to offer some rebate 
plan for nights when women demur, go 
to bed in curlers or plead a headache. 
Shouldn't frigidity be salved by cold 


cash? Women whose desire wanes for 
years ought to have the money to back 
it up. Do attractive women who "trap" 
men with wild sex before marriage and 
then plump up and check out owe 
their husbands postmarital dowries? A 
more equitable solution might rely on 
credit, whereby sex denied at home 
can be sought down the street. 

How much tidier a world we would 
live in if cash could settle all wounds, 
and every human interaction had a 
dollar sign attached to it. We would 
always know exactly where we stand. 
Our financial advisors could tally the 
risks of any extramarital relationship. 
Actuaries and Wall Street number 
crunchers could assess our prospects 
for happiness and heartache. Consid- 
er the market for infidelity insurance, 
for the futures and options on women 
scorned. 

Oddly, while Larson and Hirshman 
willingly put a price on the sex in mar- 
riage and long-term re- 
lationships, they are 
unwilling to let prosti- 
tutes get paid for sex. 
Their position here is 
their most weaselly. 
While prostitutes get 
paid, they argue, it is 
"at the expense of the 
collective bargaining 
power of women in 
dealing with men who 
seek female sexual co- 
operation. Where pros- 
titution is curtailed, 
wives are better situat- 
ed to force their hus- 
bands to bargain with 
them for sexual ac- 
cess." In this sordid 
view, wives continually 
pit themselves against 
prostitutes for their 
husbands’ attention. Do 
Larson and Hirshman really think 
that most wives see themselves as in- 
terchangeable with streetwalkers? That 
most men think the same? Do they 
know any married couples? 

In a final show of their upside-down 
logic, the authors' "solution" to prosti- 
tution is to decriminalize it. But there's 
a catch: They also advocate laws that 
would make hiring a prostitute an ille- 
gal labor contract "subject to the kinds 
of civil and administrative penalties al- 
ready applicable to, for example, child 
or slave labor. Only the employer and 
not the worker could be prosecuted for 
violating the law." 

'The new feminism seems like the 
old. Once again, only men pay. 


47 


N E W 


ы е R 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


CINCINNATIA few days after photog- 
rapher Craig Morey sent four of his erotic 
prints (two of which depict a nude woman 
bound at the wrists) to a London publisher 


via DHL Airways, the delivery service re- 
turned the package. Morey says DHL told 
him the carrier doesn't handle anything it 
deems to be pornographic. What prompted 
the company to open Moreys package? He 
says the bill of lading described the con- 
tents only as “photographs.” All three ma- 
јот express services DHL, Federal Ex- 
press and United Parcel Service—reserve 
the right to open packages (read the fine 
print), although DHL seems to have the 
most conservative policy. A spokesman 
Says the service “prescreens” some interna- 
tional packages to filter out those that 
might cause bottlenecks at customs. Morey 
re-sent his prints by Federal Express, and 
they arrived safely. 


- CONSENSUAL CRIMES 7 


HOUSTON—A case in which a judge 
fined two men $125 each for "homosexu- 
al conduct” may bring down a Tèxas law 
that bans gay sex. Police discovered and 
arrested the men while investigating what 
turned out to be a false report of an armed 
intruder. The men’s lawyers immediately 
appealed the fines, arguing that the law 
violates the state and federal constitutions. 
In New Orleans, meanwhile, activists 
have challenged a Louisiana law that calls 
for punishment of up to five years in 


prison for anyone caught engaging in oral 
or anal sex. (Police arrested about 2000 
people for violating the law during the six 
years before the activists filed suit.) And 
in Atlanta, the Georgia Supreme Court 
struck down the state's sodomy law as a vi- 
olation of the right to privacy. Fourteen 
states and Puerio Rico still outlaw oral 
and anal sex; five more restrict the ban to 
homosexuals (see wwu.achu.org/issues/gay/ 
sodomy.html). 


© ARQUSALCHEIK 


PLAINFIELD. CONNECTICUT— City offi- 
cials passed an ordinance requiring a new- 
ly opened strip club and an adult-video 
store to turn away convicted sex offenders 
to prevent them from becoming aroused. 
The law requires that each customer's iden- 
tification be checked against a list of local 
offenders, which so far includes only a few 
names. The club's owner says the law also 
should apply to the local cable company be- 
cause it shows R-rated films, the phone 
company because it hosts sex lines, the li- 
brary because it has art books with nudes, 
and the public pool because women there 
wear bikinis. 


- — SMIEANDWANE — 

SAN FRANCISCO—A state commission 
reprimanded a San Diego municipal 
judge for asking his female clerk to sign an 
“absolute, unconditional and total waiv- 
er of harassment." The woman refused to 
sign the agreement, which was presented to 
her in calligraphy on two scrolled pages. 
She said that over the next eight months, 
Judge Harvey Hiber told her dirty jokes, 
asked her out repeatedly, telephoned her 
at home, gave her numerous gifts, kissed 
her and passed her suggestive notes from 
the bench. 


o SPITAND TELE 


ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA—The police 
thought they knew who had committed two 
rapes during an armed robbery, but they 
didn't have the evidence to arrest him. 
When the suspect leaned off his motorcycle 
at a red light and spit on the street, he 
wrote his own warrant. An undercover cop 
who was tailing the ex.con scooped up the 
half dollar-size glob with a paper towel. A 
state crime lab matched DNA in the saliva 
(which included skin cells from inside the 
man's check) to semen found at the crime 


scene. The suspect wasn't charged with 
public spitting because he didn't hit a side- 
walk or spit from a public vehicle. 


HIGHER AUTHORITY 


ARLINGTON, TEXAS—The police chief 
fired a patrolman who refused to remove 
a half-inch gold cross from his uniform. 
Sergeant George Daniels, a 13-year veler- 
an, believes the chief violated his First 
Amendment rights. “I want to serve the 
Lord Jesus Christ, and I want to do it at 
the Arlington police department,” Daniels 
said. The chief has allowed uniformed of- 
(ficers to wear antidrug pins and ones de- 
picting motorcycles with small wings but 
says a religious symbol compromises an of- 
ficer's neutral authority. 


SUPER SOAKER —— 


ALBUQUERQUE—A stripper who shoots 
Ping-Pong balls and water from her vagi- 
na returned to the stage despite a warning 
from the city that her act poses “serious 
health risks” to spectators. Stephanie Ev- 
ans, a former gymnast who is billed as “the 
human super soaker,” appears at the Ice 
House for a week each year. In 1997 the 
city forbade the club from serving pizza or 
drinks during her performances. A city at- 


tomey wrote, “The water is getting into 
drinks and onto food, and the city is also 
informed that some of your patrons catch 
objects expelled from Ms. Evans in their 
mouths.” The club now warns customers to 
cover their plates and glassware. 


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Reporter's Notebook 


LET'S KILL THE INDEPENDENT COUNSEL 


a former counsel to a former president argues that the law 
which permitted clinton’s impeachment is an inquisitor's dream 


Independent counsel Kenneth Starr's 
impeachment investigation of President 
Clinton has set a dangerous precedent. 
There are currently six unelected inde- 
pendent counsels working in Washing- 
ton, and they have become the most pow- 
erful people in the capital. They are also 
the most threatening. Following Starr's 
lead—and Congress’ new attitude toward 
impeachment—any of them could refer 
alleged impeachable offenses about count- 
less executive officers. But this potential 
for instability is only the newest and most 
egregious problem to develop under the 
troubled independent counsel law. 

Criminal investigations by indepen- 
dent counsels have become increasing- 
ly aggressive, partisan and ugly. Every- 
thing is fair game, from lying about a 
mistress to accepting a few football or 
basketball tickets. Minor offenses are of- 
ten turned into major cases by using the 
same facts to charge violations under 
multiple statutes. It is quite clear that in- 
dependent counsels have become little 
more than partisan weapons launched 
by Congress against its political oppo- 
nents in the executive branch. This sym- 
biotic relationship between Congress 
and prosecutors has become more of a 
threat to good government than all the 
misdeeds these prosecutors are autho- 
rized to chase with endless time and 
money. Now the relationship between 
Starr and Congress has taken the inde- 
pendent counsel law into a new area: 
impeachment. While I am violently op- 
posed to violence, there is an imminent 
solution to the problem. We must kill the 
independent counsel. 

Of course, I'm talking about the post 
and not about any of the present or past 
occupants of the Office of Independent 
Counsel. The independent counsel law 
will expire at the end of June, providing 
the perfect opportunity to kill off a law 
that has already wreaked too much hav- 
oc and too many uncalled-for assaults 
against good people who have sought to 
serve their country in Washington: 


It's not surprising that the indepen- 
dent counsel law has gone astray, for it 
has bad genes. It is the product of a 
union between shortsighted congressio- 
nal expediency in dealing with Water- 


opinion By JOHN W. DEAN 


gate and political posturing in the after- 
math of that incredible 1972-1974 pres- 
idential scandal. In truth, these new 
prosecutorial brutes are the bastard chil- 
dren of Watergate, offspring of a fear 
that another president might fire a spe- 
cial prosecutor, as Richard Nixon did Ar- 
chibald Cox during the Saturday Night 
Massacre. Nixon's attorney general and 
deputy attorney general refused to exe- 
cute the president's order and resigned 
under fire, but his solicitor general, 
Robert Bork, proved himself no slouch 
by performing the dirty deed. Never 
again, Congress said. 

This law was initially proposed by the 
Senate Watergate Committee. It was 
based, in part, on information I provid- 
ed the committee about how the Nixon 
White House had obtained information 
from the Department of Justice. That 
information facilitated the cover-up of 
Watergate and assorted other nefarious 
White House activities—such as Nixon's 
ordering the wiretapping of newsmen, 
and his senior aides' authorizing other 
break-ins. Much more than a bungled 
burglary was at stake. Congress also 
learned that when Cox was fired, I was 
ng in the care of the U.S. Marsha 
witness protection program as thc prin- 
cipal witness against the president. I was 
very concerned that if the Watergate in- 
vestigation were returned to the Justice 
Department, Nixon would take control 
of it. That wouldn't have been good for 
the nation nor for yours truly. 

"Thus, keeping prosecutors outside of 
presidential control seemed a good idea. 
It isn't. Today 1 know, after researching. 
events that preceded and followed Wa- 
tergate, that Watergate was an aberra- 
tion unique to Richard Nixon. Congress 
ignored that fact, as it ignored what ac- 
tually occurred during Watergate. Pub- 
lic outrage at the firing of Cox forced 
Nixon to appoint another special prose- 
cutor, Leon Jaworski, who went where 
the evidence led him. Nixon, of course, 
was forced to resign in the face of im- 
peachment and conviction. He would 
have been criminally prosecuted had 
President Gerald Ford not pardoned 
him. The system worked quite well with- 
out the law that later created the Office 
of the Independent Counsel. 

Experienced prosecutors on the Wa- 


tergate Special Prosecution Force werc 
the first to warn Congress about the 
problems of creating the OIC. Ir is the 
functional equivalent of an ad hoc attor- 
ney general's office with no real rules, 
regulations, time restrictions or financial 
restraints. The prosecutors foresaw what 
could happen if you let a bully build a 
gym just for himself and his friends, 
gave them all the steroids and equip- 
ment they wanted, and told them to 
police the neighborhood as they saw 
fit—free of law enforcement's normal 
supervision. As the Watergate prosecu- 
tors said in opposing the OIC law, "Lack 
of accountability carries a potential for 
abuse of power that far exceeds any en- 
forcement gains that might ensue.” They 
added in a prescient 1975 report that 
"the discretionary process of initiating 
and conducting investigations bears 
great potential for hidden actions that 
are unfair, arbitrary, dishonest or subjec- 
tively biased." 

"To make sure this law was not vetoed, 
Congress provided only temporary au- 
thority for appointing special prosecu- 
tors and tucked the provisions inside the 
Ethics in Government Act, which Presi- 
dent Jimmy Carter signed in 1978. The 
ink had barely dricd when Carter's at- 
torney general decided he had no choice 
under the new law's hair trigger but to 
appoint the first independent counsel to 
investigate White House Chief of Staff. 
Hamilton Jordan, who had allegedly 
been spotted snorting cocaine at New 
York's Studio 54. 

After six months, the charges against 
Jordan proved groundless and the in- 
vestigation was closed. But the first use 
of the IC law set a pattern. The thinnest 
cvidence would be inflated by partisans 
and reported widely by the media, which 
cherish charges of misconduct. 

The independent counsel law clearly 
doesn't work. Indeed, there are horror 
stories from both prosecutors and their 
targets in the records of the 22 investiga- 
tions conducted under the law. 

Alter over $150 million and 20 years 
of investigations, not a single principal 
target of an investigation has been sent 
to jail by an independent counsel. Most 
ICs have not even found evidence suf- 
turn indictments, suggest- 
al (continued on page 160) 


51 


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nano ww DREW CAREY 


а candid conversation with to’s working-class hero about dating strippers, bat- 
tling the bulge, dueling with tabloids and why he prefers sex south of the border 


As a bonus for signing his most recent 
contract with Warner Bros., which produces 
his hit TV show, Drew Carey was given a 
Porsche, which he now uses for long-distance 
joyrides. But today, on the Warner Bros. lot, 
the constantly smiling, defiantly beer-bellied 
Carey, with his trademark buzz cut and 
horn-rims, is speeding along on manual 
power: He is temporarily in a wheelchair 
because of a minor foot injury—doctor's 
orders. The world may be safer when he's 
behind the wheel of the Porsche. He hurls 
himself around corners and careens down 
hallways. 

Although he maneuvers the soundstage 
without causing any permanent damage, it’s 
a reminder of the last time Carey rode in a 
wheelchair. He was at Disney World, of all 
places, drunk. It was an ugly scene, especial- 
ly when his date tried to pry his contact lens- 
es off his eyes—a task made more difficult by 
the fact that he doesn’t wear contact lenses. 
Counseled by his friends to take a break in 
his rampage, he sat down in a wheelchair. 
Soon he was up again, dashing through Dis- 
ney World’s international exhibitions, mak- 
ing headlines in the tabloids. 

Indeed, thanks to his raucous public be- 
havior—he proudly dates strippers, drinks 
openly, admits to being abused as a child and 


“Making out is my favorite thing to do. 
Making out is number one, eating pussy is 
number two. Well, they can switch places. I 
love making a woman happy: eating her 
pussy, shopping, whatever it takes.” 


having his nipples pierced—Carey is a fa- 
vorite of the tabloids. But there's more to 
their obsession with the portly star than his 
outrageousness. Both in his appearance and 
in his comedy, Carey is easy to identify with, 
a guy much more at home in his native 
Cleveland than he is in Hollywood. Enter- 
tainment Weekly recently noted, “With 
Home Improvement on the wane, ABC is 
relying on Carey to deliver the blue-collar 
goods.” Right now he is the closest thing to a 
working-class hero on prime-time TV. 

The real Drew Carey is never more gen- 
nine than when he's being the fake Drew 
Carey on his highly rated ABC sitcom. Set 
appropriately in Cleveland, the show begins 
each Wednesday with lan Hunter's Cleve- 
land Rocks, performed by the Presidents of 
the United States of America. Carey plays the 
assistant personnel director of a Cleveland 
department store. As Bruce Helford, the ex- 
ecutive producer of the show, has explained, 
“Drew's persona is that of the little guy who 
goes out to do batile with the big guys and al- 
ways returns with a shred of dignity. He's a 
happy sack, not a sad sack.” 

Carey, 40, is also executive producer and 
star of Whose Line Is It Anyway? a prime- 
time improv-based comedy show that has 
been a surprise hit (it also features Drew co- 


“The very best comics aren't ugly, but they're 
not like Brad Pitt. If Brad Pitt walked out 
there, all slicked out, and wanted to do 
stand-up comedy, he wouldn't be accepted. 
What's he going to talk about?” 


star Ryan Stiles as a regular). Carey recent- 
ly signed a movie deal with Disney and was 
named among the 100 most powerful people 
in the entertainment business (al number 
78) by Entertainment Weekly. He has hosted 
HBO specials, emceed awards shows and 
won a People’s Choice Award. His first book, 
Dirty Jokes and Beer, was a best-seller. It 
includes the expected raunch—tots of dick 
jokes—but turns serious when he writes 
about his father's death, being sexually mo- 
lested as achild and his two suicide attempts. 

Obviously, Carey's childhood was not a 
happy one. His father, Lewis, a draftsman at 
General Motors, suffered myriad illnesses 
and died of a brain tumor at 45, when Drew 
was eight years old. His mother worked as a 
secretary and keypunch operator, and Carey 
was often on his own. When he was molested 
and becane seriously depressed, he told his 
mother he thought he should see a psychia- 
trisi. She was so busy working to support 
Drew and his two other brothers that she 
never took him. 

In school, Carey played trumpet in the 
band and accordion on his own, performed in 
an operetta and sang in a choir. He was on 
the wrestling team in high school, but admits 
he was so bad he never left the bench dur- 
ing meets. He read and was obsessed with 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 


“Strippers are generally open-minded. If 
you're with a stripper you can go, ‘Hey, let's 
try this? ‘You tie me up.’ ‘VU tie you up." 
Whatever you want. They'll say, All right." 
Sex is so matter-of-fact with them.” 


PLAYBOY 


strategy games such as War in the Eastand 
1776. When a magazine writer asked 
him about this period in his life, Carey re- 
sponded, “Weirdo. Weirdo. Underachiever. 
Weirdo. Weirdo.” 

Carey somehow got into Kent State Uni- 
versity, where he majored in criminal justice 
and minored in partying. When he was 18, 
ata fraternity party, he looked around and, 
as he once explained in an interview, “saw 
everybody having such a good time—I got so 
mad 1 could barely control my rage.” He 
swallowed sleeping pills in his first suicide 
attempt; he survived because friends took 
him to the hospital. 

After two academic dismissals, he quit col- 
lege and moved to Las Vegas, where he 
worked at a Denny's lo pay the rent. He says 
his life was devoid of meaningful goals and 
he was depressed. “I remember thinking, All 
my friends have jobs now, and they're suc- 
ceeding, but what am I doing?” he once told 
People magazine. He again took sleeping 
pills, but this time he called a friend, who 
called an ambulance. 

Garey credits self-help books with pulling 
him out of his depression. As a result of those 
suicide attempts, he has written, “I'm not 
afraid of what anyone thinks of me. A lot of 
people, especially celebrities, stop themselves 
from doing all kinds of things they would like 
to do because they're afraid of what people 
will think of them. Not me. 1 let myself do 
whatever I want, with whomever ] want, 
whenever 1 want. I'm not talking about be- 
ing rude. I try not to do that. I'm talking 
about living a life without caring if people 
like the way you have your fun.” 

In 1980 he joined the Marine Corps Re- 
serve and worked odd jobs while reading 
johe-writing books to learn a new craft. Six 
years later, he made a New Year's resolution 
to try to support himself as a stand-up com- 
ic. Carey spent four more years in comedy 
clubs before he made his debut on The To- 
night Show. That led to comedy specials on 
cable, including Showtime's Drew Carey: 
Human Cartoon, which he wrote. He also 
made his film debut in The Coneheads. 

In 1994 Carey co-starred in the short- 
lived sitcom The Good Life, where he met 
writer Bruce Helford. Helford hired Carey 
first as a writer on NBC's Someone Like 
Me and then as an actor in the TV remake 
of Freaky Friday. Then, with Helford and 
contributing producer Sam Simon, Carey 
launched his own sitcom in 1995. The Drew 
Garey Show, on ABC, was down-to-earth 
blue collar, heir apparent to Roseanne and 
an antidote to the urban angst of NBC's 
biggest hits, Seinfeld and Friends. 

Last summer, Carey launched Whose Line 
Is Н Anyway? which was so successful that 
ABC put it in its regular lineup. While 
putting in 16-hour days on that show and 
his hit series, he is supervising space-age 
renovations at his LA home (he has a second 
home in Cleveland) and occasionally returns 
to the comedy stage to hone and update his 
stand-up routine. 

Carey's TV character often suffers the in- 


54 dignities of a broken heart, which is familiar 


to the actor, too. While waiting for Ms. 

Right, however, Carey makes no secret of 
how much he enjoys (he company of strip- 
pers, showgirls and various other women 
who wind up in the path of a newly famous 
celebrity. Still, he has said that he “guards 
against going Hollywood. It's one of the rea- 
sons I always go to Bob's Big Boy end stuff 
like that in Los Angeles." 

When vLavboy decided to track him 
down, we sent New York-based journalist 
Heather Dean, who, like Carey, was born in 
Cleveland. Here is Dean's report: 

“I first caught up with the energetic lug 
during his run at Caesars Palace. When we 
sat down at Spago in Las Vegas, he ordered 
what he called “the breakfast of champions”: 
a sandwich and a personal pizza. Between 
bites, he talked enthusiastically about his 
show, his past and his preferred type of sex 
(hint: he can't do it and eat pizza at the same 
time). 

"I next met with Carey on the set of his TV 
show in Los Angeles, when he was careening 
on the lot in a wheelchair. But the foot injury 
didn't seem to dampen his mood. Indeed, 
Carey is usually laughing. He doesn’t merely 
grin, nod or chuckle. He laughs with his 


Emmys don't mean 
a goddamn thing. If you 
get nominated for an Emmy, 
it just means people 


know your name. 


whole face: The eyes disappear, the lips 
stretch from ear to ear and the voice is a 
breathy, amused exhalation. One soon learns 
that Carey is his cum best audience. While he 
laughs at funny things said by others, he 
laughs most heartily al his own jokes. An in- 
lerview with Carey involves lots of laughing, 
even when the subject gets deadly serious.” 


PLAYBOY: The central character in your 
show bears your name, but does he re- 
semble Drew Carey in real life? 

CAREY: He's the Drew Carey Га be if I 
never became a comic. I'd have some 
crummy job like his. I'd be a guy with a 
general degree from Kent State Univer- 
sity and I'd be a middle manager. It’s 
how I imagined my life would go had I 
not chosen my current career: college 
dropout comic [laughs]. I wouldn't have 
been that successful as a middle man- 
ager, either. I can't boss people around. 
Real-life middle managers like to bust 
balls and boss people around. There are 
a lot of assholes in middle management. 
I would have been the opposite—sort of 
like my character, who is usually trying 
to help people. For his efforts, he get lots 
of shit. People relate to the character be- 


cause everybody gets lots of shit. It's one 
of the show's secrets: People relate to 
Drew because Drew gets all the shit. 
PLAYBOY: There are lots of cruel one-lin- 
ers. Why do audiences seem to like that 
type of comedy? 

CAREY: It's not like we're picking on any- 
body who is weak. Mimi is the brunt of 
lots of jokes, but she's not going to crum- 
ble. She's overweight, wears a lot of 
makeup, but it doesn't matter. She's 
comfortable about who she is. We don't 
do weight jokes; the writers come up 
with weight jokes, but we never use 
them. It would be too mean for Drew to 
attack her weight. There are fat jokes di 
rected at my character, and I don't nec- 
essarily like them. But they're funny. If 1 
didn't want the fat jokes, 1 would just 
lose the weight. In the meantime, I put 
up with them. 

PLAYBOY: Do people confuse you and 
your character? 

CAREY: You have to be really stupid to 
think somebody's like they are on TV. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't Jerry Seinfeld like the guy 
he played on his show? 

CAREY: 1 guess so. 1 don't think he was 
acting much. He's not a good actor, ei- 
ther [laughs]. Neither of us are good ac- 
tors. He would be the first to tell you he 
wasn't the best actor on his show. 
PLAYBOY: It's true that he wasn't nominat- 
ed for as many Emmys as his fellow cast 
members were. 

CAREY: Emmys? Emmys don't mean a 
goddamn thing. Are you kidding me? If 
you get nominated for an Emmy, it just 
means people know your name. Emmys 
are a joke. The Emmys don't mean a 
fucking thing to anybody. If the people 
who do wardrobe, lighting and direct- 
ing get an Emmy, they can up their 
fees. That's all the awards are worth. I 
shouldn't get nominated for an Emmy. 
PLAYBOY: So you're happy that the Em- 
mys for best actor continue to go to Kel- 
sey Grammer and John Lithgow? 

CAREY: Who cares? I think they're a fuck- 
ing joke. 

PLAYBOY: Are those sour grapes? 

CAREY: Listen: 1 know people who make a 
big deal out of it when they win one; 
there's this cachet. If you win an Emmy, 
you're like the best one. But you're not 
necessarily the bestat what you do. Same 
with an Oscar or any award. 

PLAYBOY: How do you rationalize emcec- 
ing awards shows if you have such con- 
tempt for them? 

CAREY: They're fun. It's an industry pat 
on the back. That's it. But it's ludicrous. 
People at home should think, This show 
was put together for one reason: to make 
money. 

PLAYBOY: How about the Oscars? Did you 
watch them when you were growing up? 
CAREY: I never cared. But at least when 
people win an Oscar, they usually de- 
serve it. The good thing is that Oscars 
and Emmys help people notice a movie 
or show that they may otherwise have 


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PILTA TINTOSY 


missed. But the actors who win are pop- 
ular. The best shows are the results of 
the best writing and directing and pro- 
ducing, anyway. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel that a dispropor- 
tionate amount of credit goes to the 


CAREY: Some of us give credit where cred- 
it is due. A couple of performers don't. 
"They make me mad. Lying motherfuck- 
ers. They don't give credit to their writ- 
ersor producers or anybody. They think 
it's all them, like they're the only rea- 
son the show's a hit. Jesus Christ, man. 
"They take credit for stories that writers 
thought up. 

PLAYBOY: Who, for example? 

CAREY: I don't think Roseanne's all that 
generous. She's one of the ones. Rose- 
anne was pioneering and she had a vision 
of what she wanted the show to be, but 
I've heard things. Bruce Helford [co-ex- 
ecutive producer of The Drew Carey Show] 
was an executive producer of Roseanne. 
According to Bruce, Roseanne's feelings 
were always right on the money. She's 
very funny. But somebody cut out an ar- 
ticle about Roseanne's new talk show 
and put it on Bruce's desk. Roseanne 
said she finally learned to delegate, be- 
cause she didn't have the caliber of pro- 
ducer on thc Hoseanne show that she 
does now. And Bruce was like, "What the 
fuck?" That would be like Bill Gates tak- 
ing credit for everything Microsoft does. 
Gates doesn't do that. 

PLAYBOY: Do you know Roseanne? 

CAREY: 1 met her once. I'm not saying 
that she's a totally selfish person. I only 
know from the interviews Гуе read. But 
knowing what you don't want and know- 
ing how to do a sitcom are two different 
things. Every season she fired people 
around the 16th episode. The last year 
was so horrible. By then, the staff knew 
it was the last season and nobody said 
no to her anymore. Nobody cared. She 
got to do whatever she wanted. That's 
what I have heard from people who 
worked for her. 

PLAYBOY: Is yours a happier set? 

CAREY: Very. 1 would say it's a great set. I 
hear that from all the people I work 
with, too. 

PLAYBOY: Could you ever become a meg- 
aloma. like some other stars? 

CAREY: 1 like the money I'm getting 
[laughs]. 1 like being successful. So I want 
people to do the work they do. Bruce 
does a great job running things and the 
writers are really good. 1 think it helps 
that I'm in my show's writers’ room as 
much as I am. But I'm not a writer and I 
know what goes into the shows; I don't 
take their contributions lightly. 

PLAYBOY: Do you see your show as a po- 
tential Seinfeld, Cheers or Taxi—with that 
type of popularity and longevity? 

CAREY: No. I gave up on that [laughs]. 
Anyway, a lot of people don't love Sein- 
‚feld or Cheers as much as the magazines 


58 ѕау they do. Different shows have differ- 


ent audiences. There are people out 
there who can't wait to watch Third Rock. 
We have more people who can't wait to 
watch our show on Wednesday. Does it. 
make Third Rock a bad show? Does it 
make it more or less beloved? There is 
no one show that America loves. Even 
Seinfeld has to know that not everybody 
isa fan of his. I sure know that not every- 
body is a fan of mine. Every year it's 
going to be harder and harder for a 
network show—a typical network show 
like mine—to keep a stronghold. Seinfeld. 
caught the last wave of being able to bea 
huge network show, because it hit the. 
big time right after Cheers. After that, a 
lot of people started buying computers, 
and cable TV arrived. 

PLAYBOY: For a while there was a war over 
who got paid more, Tim Allen or Sein- 
feld. How do you feel about the atten- 
tion to those numbers? 

carev: Everybody loves to know how 
much somebody else gets paid. Bur peo- 
ple get themselves into a big trap when. 
they think, I'm not worth as much as 
that guy because I don't get paid as 
much. But I was titillated like everyone 


I like it when 
women are the 
pursuers. I'm not 
really good at picking 


up women. 


else to hear that Seinfeld got his $1 mil- 
lion per episode and then Tim Allen got 
$1 million, too. A few years before, they 
were on the air opposite each other. 
Home Improvement used to kill Seinfeld. To 
save Seinfeld, NBC had to move it away 
from Home Improvement. The first thing 
I thought was, That must have stuck in 
Seinfeld's craw to learn about Tim Al- 
len's raise, because I would have been 
like, "What the fuck?" and throwing 
newspapers all over the place. 

PLAYBOY: When it was time for your con- 
tract renegotiation, you said you'd walk 
away from your show unless Warner 
Bros. "backed up the money truck." 
What happened? 

CAREY: They pulled it up early. 1 gave 
them two more years. I'm in the fourth 
year of seven. 

PLAYBOY: At what point did the big mon- 
ey kick in? 

CAREY: I'm making great money already, 
but the total value of the deal is really 
stupendous. 

PLAYBOY: Well? 

CAREY: Let's just say there aren't any 
complaints from me. They really went to 
bat for me; they went out of their way to 


please me. The deal is really generous. 
PLAYBOY: Was it as much as you had 
hoped for? 

CAREY: Yeah! You'll never hear me make 
a sound of any kind of discontent against 
Warner Bros. for the way they pay me or 
how they treat me. 

PLAYBOY: Have there been any bumps 
along the road to success? 

CAREY: When the show was building, it 
took a while for me to feel comfortable 
being famous. Howard was instrumental 
in that. 

PLAYBOY: Howard? 

CAREY: Howard Stern. 

PLAYBOY: How was he instrumental? 
CAREY: І went on the air and told him I 
didn't like being famous. He said, "Are 
you crazy? I love being famous!” Ever 
since, I swear to God, I just started to 


What didn't you like about be- 
ing famous? 

CAREY: The tabloids. All the other things 
that go with celebrity really bothered 
me. It felt like I was the schlub in high 
school again. It felt like I was in the 
marching band. Everybody likes people 
in the band, but not as much as they like 
looking at Jennifer Aniston and her hot 
body. But now it's OK. ! don't mind it. 
PLAYBOY: Arc you uncomfortable making 
conversation with other celebrities? 
CAREY: Whenever you meet other celebri- 
ties it feels like some kind of family re- 
union or a wedding. When celebrities 
meet celebrities from other shows, they 
act the way they would at a wedding. 
Everyone is on their best behavior and 
they're real polite: “Love your show.” 
“Love your show, too." There are excep- 
tions. I was at Disney World at a party 
ABC threw for its affiliates. The ABC ex- 
ecutive types were sitting in the balcony, 
looking down and saying, "I'll bet he's 
trying to pick her up. I'll bet they get to- 
gether." One guy was openly trying to 
pick up an actress from another show. 
He was dancing with her and I guess he 
nailed her. That was the big rumor the 
next day, at least [laughs]. So they had a 
good time at a showbiz party. It's possi- 
ble. If it's a public event and you go off 
with someone, the tabloids write about 
it—though when they write about rela- 
tionships they're usually wrong. They 
usually have no idea. 

PLAYBOY: When have the tabloids been 
wrong about you? 

CAREY: One said that I met Heather Gra- 
ham at a party. I've never met her in 
my life. She played Rollergirl in Boogie 
Nights. They reported that I said, “Hey, 
Rollergirl, how's about you and me get- 
ting together," or some stupid line like 
that. I would never say anything like 
that. The tabloids make up that shit. The 
Star once said that I was on a potato diet 
and lost 17 pounds on it. They printed 
two pictures of me weighing exactly the 
same [laughs]. Ryan Stiles [who plays 
Lewis on Drew] and I were waiting to 


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PLAYBOY 


catch a plane together once, and he 
opened up The Star and saw that story. 
He looked at me while 1 was eating a 
Sausage McMuffin and 1 had another 
one in my lap ready to go. He said, 
"How's that potato diet coming?" It’s re- 
ally laughable. But it’s so wrong and so 
stupid. You'd think they'd have some 
sense of shame. When I asked my lawyer 
about getting them to stop, he said that 
unless it's libelous there's nothing you 
can do. 

PLAYBOY: Here's your chance to do some- 
thing about the gossip. Tell us how to 
spot tabloid truth from fiction. 

CAREY: If it's a really structured sentence 
and doesn't sound natural, i's made 
up. If it's said by a friend—" Friends say 


My friends wanted to get me out of there 
because I was really wasted. I was so 
drunk that Bruce Helford was chasing 
me around while I was saying, "No, 
1 want to see the fireworks." But I 
broke away from Bruce, who's this really 
little guy. I was running and laughing 
through Mexico over in the internation- 
al area. I had a girlfriend with me dur- 
ing the trip. I had to shove her off me be- 
cause she was drunk, too. She was trying 
to get the contacts out of my eyes and I 
wasn't even wearing contacts. She was 
jabbing her fingers in my eyes. The hotel 
room was a wreck the next day. That's 
the story the Globe missed. 

PLAYBOY: What sort of effect has celebrity 
had on your love life? 


terested in one-night stands? 

CAREY: They have happened to me, but 
that's the emptiest masturbation-type 
sex you can have. It's like masturbating 
with somebody else's body [laughs]. It's 
not lovemaking. 

PLAYBOY: When you were on the road, 
did it matter? 

CAREY: I would hook up with a woman I 
met on the road and it would last for that 
week. Га meet somebody, and by the 
end ofthe week I'd get together with her 
and that would be the last time I'd see 
her. Maybe I would talk to her a few 
times afterward, but that was it. That's 
happened only two or three times. Back 
then 1 didn't get laid. I'm the jack-off 
king, man [laughs] 


he's never been hap- 
pier,” "Friends say 
that she's madly in 
love"—it's all bull- 
shit. They always 
use the same type of 
phrases. They make 


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PLAYBOY: And you're 
proud of it. 

CAREY: Yeah. Could 
you please title 
this "PLAYBOY Inter- 
views Jack-Off King 
Drew Carey"? Man, 


sure what they say 
isn't harmful and 
that they're not 
saying the celebrity 
is bad. But it's still 
made up. I'd say 
90 percent of what 
they report are 
made-up lies. They 
never know what 
the fuck they're 
talking about. The 
halfway-true sto- 
ries have pictures to 
back them up. The 
Globe reported that 
I was drunk at Dis- 
ney World. 1 was 
wearing mousc cars 
and trying to drink 
my way around 
the world with my 
friends. Someone I 
was with supposed- 
ly told the guys who 
worked there to get 


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oh man. 

PLAYBOY: In your 
book you claim that. 
you unloaded your 
wcapon—that's 
what you called it— 
three times in one 
hour. 

CAREY: It's true. The 
next day, my el- 
bow was tender and 
pretty sore, like 
tennis elbow. I was 
like, Ocoh, man, 
holding my arm 
like this [close to the 
body]. It really hurt. 
I couldn't believe 
it. That's a lot for a 
guy. I know there 
are some guys who 
can do that—porno 
guys or whatever. 
PLAYBOY: Teenage 
boys can, too. 
CAREY: Yeah, I could 


a wheelchair so they 
could wheel me out 
of there. The Globe 


when 1 vas a teen- 
ager. But that's my 
own record: three 


actually sent a guy 
down to Florida to talk to the Disney 
guide who was with me. They got my 
guide's unlisted number. They got con- 
firmation that I was drunk. The Globe 
paid people off, then they took pictures 
of me drunk, sitting in a wheelchair 
[laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: Truth or fiction? 

CAREY: I was totally drunk. I wasn't trying 
to hide anything. I even joke about it in 
my act. But the Globe made it sound like 
they got this big scoop. And the only 
thing they got wrong was that I was 
wheeled away because I was too drunk 
to stand up. The real ending was that I 
sat down in a wheelchair for only a sec- 


60 ond and said, "Whew!" Then I got up. 


CAREY. My date this weckend in Las Ve- 
gas was with me when I was signing au- 
tographs after my show and said, "You 
could get laid all the time, couldn't you?" 
I said, "I guess I could if I didn't care 
about it.” Гуе had plenty of one-night 
stands, but I don't like them as much as I 
like forming a relationship, even if it's a 
casual relationship. 

PLAYBOY: Does that mean you're looking 
to settle down? 

CAREY: When I say relationship, I don't 
mean a committed relationship. A rela- 
tionship is when you know the person; 
you're not meeting someone just once, 
fucking her and never seeing her again. 

PLAYBOY: Does that mean you're not in- 


times in one hour. I 
haven't had any cause to jack off three 
times in one hour since then. But I also 
have a daily record [laughs]. You know, if 
you're going to keep stats, you might as 
well have a lot of categories. 

PLAYBOY: Such as? 

CAREY: Home. Away. Left-hand pitchers. 
Right-hand pitchers. Turf, grass. When 
it comes to women, though, I wouldn't 
want to be with somebody who wanted 
to sleep with me because I'm on TV. 
Women want to meet me because I'm on 
ТУ, but there has to be a mutual sexual 
attraction to get anything going after 
that. And for some women, my being a 
celebrity doesn't mean a fucking thing. 
I'm too terrified to ask them out because 


I don't want them to say no. I'd be really 
embarrassed if anybody found out. 
PLAYBOY: Do you know immediately 
whether you're sexually attracted to a 
woman? 

CAREY: There's no way it's a five-second 
thing for me. Sometimes it doesn't hap- 
pen until I've known somebody for a 
while. Then I think, Hey, I bet she and I 
could have sex together. 

PLAYBOY: Don't you ever experience lust 
at first sight? 

CAREY: I don't think of women in those 
terms. I know a lot of guys think, She's 
fuckable, or She's not fuckable. I've 
heard those phrases, but I don't think of 
women like that 

PLAYBOY: How do you deal with female 
fans who come on to you? 

CAREY: No woman has come up to me 
while I'm signing autographs and said, 
“Td like to have sex with you." But a 
couple of women have intimated that. I 
drove down to Kent State last summer 
with a friend. We were drinking at this 
place called Ray's Place and I was sign- 
ing autographs, and a woman there was 
really coming on to me. I knew that if I'd 
said, “Hey, let's go, what are we waiting 
for,” that would have been all 1 needed 
to say. She was putting her tits right up 
against my shoulder and saying, “Ob, 
you're so cute." I just couldn't bring my- 
self to do anything. I'm not stupid. I just 
thought, Wow, everybody has probably 
fucked you. I don't want to fuck you if 
everybody else has fucked you. If she's 
the bar slut, everybody's going to say, 
“Drew Carey got the bar slut.” So I just 
said, "Nice meeting you." We enjoyed 
our chat. And that was it. I never saw her 
again, The whole idea was creepy. 
PLAYBOY: When you want to date a wom- 
an, do you like being the pursuer or do 
you prefer being pursued? 

CAREY: I like it when women are the pur- 
suers. I'm not really good at picking up 
women. So women kind of have to be— 
well, what are you talking about, dating 
Or sex? 

PLAYBOY: Let's start with dating. 

CAREY: I don't mind asking them. If I've 
had a nice conversation with someone, 
ГЇЇ say, "Hey that was a pretty good time, 
why don't we go out and have dinner?" 
If she were to say the same thing to me it 
would be fine. I don't care who asks first. 
PLAYBOY: Do you fall in love easily? When 
was the last time? 

CAREY: There's a woman I was dating last 
season. We never ran out of things to 
talk about. I thought I could be around 
her 24 hours a day and never tire of her 
company. 1 couldn't wait to see her. She 
was a complement to me. We weren't ex- 
actly alike, but she brought out the best 
in me. On the other hand, there have 
been women I've dated and then didn't 
call them for a few days. I'd think, Oh, 
maybe I'd better call so-and-so. That's 
when I know I'm not in love [laughs]. 
PLAYBOY: So what happened with the 


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PLAYBOY 


woman who complemented you so well? 
CAREY: She doesn't live in the city any- 
more. Actually, the last two women I've 
been in love with haven't really recipro- 
cated. The circumstances weren't right. 
We didn't live in the same town, or they 
moved or got some kind of job so I 
wouldn't be able to see them as much. 
The last ones killed me. I was really in 
love and thought I could have married 
them, but they didn't work out. 

PLAYBOY: How did you get over them? 
CAREY: I said to myself, “Get thee to a 
strip club!" Actually, I thought Га just 
stay miserable until I met somebody else 
and fell in love again [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: How often do you go out with 
strippers? 

CAREY: When I have a chance to go out 
with a stripper, I do it. I always won- 
dered what it would be like. If I fall in 
love with a stripper, or a writer, or an ac- 
tress, or an executive, or whoever, it’s 
fine with me. I dont care. I want to ex- 
perience a lot of different things before I 
die—and while I'm young enough to do 
them. I never want to say I didn't have 
the balls or I was a chickenshit or had a 
mental block and that’s why I didn't do 
something. 

PLAYBOY: What guides you, your heart or 
something lower? 

CAREY: My heart guides me more than 
my dick does. Once in a while I give in, 
but not that often. If my dick guided me 
all the time, I would have fucked tons of 
women that I haven't fucked. If some 
woman sells her story and says, "Me and 
Drew had a wild night and he was really 
kinky and we did all these weird things," 
then I've met a dishonest girl who's re- 
ally hor. It was my dick saying "Let's 
hang out with this chick" even though I 
shouldn't have. 

PLAYBOY: We talked about dating. What 
about sex? Is it hard for you to make the 
first move? 

CAREY: Im afraid to make the first move. 
Im alot more comfortable when a wom- 
an is aggressive. There was this one 
stripper I met when she was dancing. 
Between dances we were talking and re- 
ally got to know each other. I thought 


she was really great, so I flew her out to 
Vegas. Now here's a girl who dances na- 
ked and comes out to Vegas with me. We 
slept in separate beds. Same room, sep- 
arate beds. We took our showers sepa- 
rately. 1 never made a move on her the 
whole weekend. And she's really attrac- 
tive. Great body, you know; fun, fun, fun. 
But I was a perfect gentleman. The most 
we did was hold hands and put our arms 
around each other. I never even kissed 
her. Later, after she had a boyfriend, 
she told me, “If you would have done 
something you could have had me all 
weekend." I was like, “Really? I had a 
chance?" “Yes, you idiot." If she would 
have just thrown me down on the bed 
and started it, it would have been great. 
Then I would have known she was into 
it. But that's how fucking stupid I am 
sometimes. 

PLAYBOY: Did you learn? Do you now try 
to make the first move? 

CAREY: No. I worry some woman might 
say, "Drew Carey tried to do something 
with me and it was unwanted." I don't 
want to get in the paper for that. It used 
to be easier for me when I wasn't doing 
stand-up and before I was well known. 
But now it worries me. I've done a lot of 
freaky things and things I'm not really 
happy with. That's always in the back of 
my mind. 

PLAYBOY: Are you as shy with strippers? 
CAREY: They're generally open-minded. 
If you're with a stripper you can go, 
“Hey, let's try this!" “Let's do that.” “You 
tie me up.” “I'll tie you up." Whatev- 
er you want. They'll say, "All right." Sex 
is so matter-of-fact with them. After a 
woman has worked in a strip club for a 
while, she's heard every fantasy a man 
can have. Strippers know all about men's 
sexuality and they don't care anymore. 
They're open-minded and free. That's 
the greatest thing. 

PLAYEOY: How does dating strippers com- 
pare with dating other women? 

CAREY: With a regular girlfriend, you 
have to ease into it. You have to delicate- 
ly say, “I have this fantasy. I would like to. 
try this one thing with you." They could 
go, "Wow, I'm never going to do that! 


What are you, a creep? A weirdo?" You 
never get any of that from strippers 

They may laugh with their friends about 
what they do with you, but it doesn't 
mean they won't do it. 

PLAYBOY: What do you do on a date with 
a stripper? 

CAREY: It's just a regular date. We go to 
the movies, we talk, see what happens. 

There's no guarantee about anything. 
Гуе taken a lot of dancers to Vegas. They 
look good, they're fun to party with, 
they'll stay up all night drinking with 
me. Sex is a secondary thing. 

PLAYBOY: May we assume you use protec- 
tion when you have sex? 

CAREY: Correct. I am very responsible 
when it comes to that. 

PLAYBOY: Whar's your favorite method of 
contraception? 

CAREY: Oral sex and masturbation. And 
I'll definitely wear a condom if I'm going 
to have sex or I'll make sure she's on the 
pill. And if I don't know whether she is 
on the pill and there's no rubber, there's 
no fucking. Or ГЇ just stop. Guys com- 
plain about condoms. They say, "I don't 
want to take the time to interrupt the 
moment." Why not? You'd rather get 
a stranger pregnant and skip out on 
the responsibility You can always start 
again. As a matter of fact, you should al- 
ways do that anyway, unless you're hav- 
ing a quickie. Sex, to me, is not fucking. 

PLAYBOY: What is sex to you? 

CAREY: Sex to me is the whole setting-it- 
up. During the day we're talking about 
getting together later. There's the antici- 
pation, the teasing, the making out, the 
cuddling. But fucking—thar's like way 
down on my list of sexual acts. When I 
was younger, I'd think, Oh, man, look at 
me go! An hour! Not anymore. But it 
doesn't matter. To me, it's great when 
you build up to a little thing and then 
stop. Rest. Caress. Whatever you need to 
do. Start again, build up. It's no big deal 
to stop and say, “Hey, by the way, where 
are your condoms?” or, “Hey, are you on 
the pill?” I think that all this should be 
discussed ahead of time anyway. But if 
it stops before getting that far, it's fine 
with me. Making out is my favorite thing 


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to do. Making out is number one, eat- 
ing pussy is number two. Well, they can 
switch places. But those are my two fa- 
vorites. I love to make out, man. That 
is the greatest. You cuddle, you make 
out, you kiss, you touch, you can talk, 
you can really feel somebody's warmth. 
There are so many good things about it. 
PLAYBOY: As opposed to intercourse? 
CAREY: There's a closeness and an intirna- 
cy that you can't get from having inter- 
course. During intercourse, you can't 
talk and whisper sweet nothings. You 
don't discuss hopes and dreams and 
things you like. You can when you're 
having a big make-out session. Making 
out goes beyond just kissing. It's like, 
"Oh, man, I love this about you. This is 
just great." And kiss, kiss, kiss. And you 
can have music playing and it won't dis- 
tract you. It’s also fun to sit around and 
watch TV and make out. And 1 do like 
cating pussy. I have to admit it. It's a big 
turn-on for me. 1 love making a wom- 
an happy: eating her pussy, shopping, 
whatever it takes. I love pleasing women. 
I don't know if there's something psy- 
chologically wrong with me, but 1 love 
making women happy. If somebody 
asked me, "Would you rather get a blow 
job or eat somebody's pussy?" I would 
cat the pussy. I like everything about it. 
Everything. Texture. Taste. I love the 
way the legs feel. I love the position of 
the body. I love that I'm in the dark. I 
love having my mouth on a woman's 
body—anywhere: head, toes, all over. 
It's the greatest. The best thing is giving 
her a great orgasm by going down there. 
PLAYBOY: Might you be confessing this 
because you think it will help you pick 
up more women? 

CAREY: No, I'm not saying that to pick up 
more chicks. Oh yeah, I am. But I can 
back it up. I love it. It was like the first 
fantasy I ever had when I started mas- 
turbating. It’s a big fascination. I used to 
think about doing it to famous models in 
magazines. It didn't even take PLAYBOY. 
Every time I read about the Reverend 
Donald Wildmon or someone who wants 
to ban PLAYBOY from 7-Eleven, I think, 
Why not ban Glamour and Cosmopolitan? 


Or the Sunday JCPenney ads? The wom- 
en in the lingerie ads? Those are the 
ones I was jacking off to. 

PLAYBOY: Penney's? 

CAREY: Oh, my God! My mother's going 
to read this [laughs]. "Drew Carey, Pussy- 
Eating Freak." 

PLAYBOY: We read that you lost your vir- 
ginity when you were 18. Was sex all it. 
was cracked up to be back then? 

CAREY: 1 don't know. I can't remember 
her last name, Debbie somebody. She 
was a sorority girl. 1 wasn't sober. That 
was a bad thing. It wasn't very special 
at all. 

PLAYBOY: Was it a big deal to you to lose 
your virginity? 

CAREY: | can't remember having thoughts 
like, Wow, I've got to get rid of this vir- 
ginity thing. It wasn't a big stigma for 
me. I wasn't missing anything. After- 
ward, it wasn't like all of a sudden 1 got 
the jokes. It was no big deal. On the oth- 
er hand, the first time I went down on a 
girl I thought, This is great. I have to do 
this over and over. That I remember. 
Loved that. Reminds me of a really good 
joke 1 forgot to do last night because 1 
forgot to write it down. There was this 
woman I knew and all she could talk 
about was George Clooney. George Cloo- 
ney this, George Clooney that. So I said, 
“TU tell you what, I'll take a picture of 
George Clooney and tape it to my balls 
so you can look at him while you're suck- 
ing my cock.” [Laughs] Isn't that funny? 
PLAYBOY: How important are good looks 
in your business? 

CAREY: They're important for actors like 
George Clooney. But name one hand- 
some comedian. Jerry Seinfeld is not a 
really handsome comic. He's average- 
looking. Same with Bill Maher. Bill's not 
classically good-looking. He's not an ug- 
ly guy, but you wouldn't put him on a 
magazine cover if he weren't a comic. He 
wouldn't get half the women he has now. 
Neither would I. It's so ridiculous. It’s 
insane. The very best comics aren't ugly, 
but they're not like Brad Pitt. If Brad 
Pitt walked out there, all slicked out, and 
wanted to do stand-up comedy, he 
wouldn't be accepted. People don't re- 


late to him. What's he going to talk 
about? Oh, yeah, my girlfriend and I just 
broke up. Boo-hoo [laughs]. Fuck you! 
The crowd wouldn't accept it. But you 
really believe it when Rodney Danger- 
field says, “I get no respect.” He totally 
looks like a guy who gets beat up all the 
time and whose wife fucks around on 
him. He can get away with those kinds of 
jokes. Audiences want to relate to some- 
body who has faults. A comic has to 
be average-looking at best. That's why 
there aren’t many beautiful women in 
short skirts up there. Other women 
aren't going to relate to that. Are you 
kidding me? “What does she have to 
complain about?” “I got a ticket when 
the cops stopped me at the traffic light.” 
“Why don’t you fuck him? Why don’t 
you show him your tits and get out of the 
ticket?” “Shut up and quit complaining.” 
Comedy opened the door to people who 
aren't great-looking. 1 always wanted to 
be the star on a show, but the people in 
charge always want me to be part of an 
ensemble. 1 wore glasses and had short 
hair and a big gut and people would say, 
“America doesn’t want to watch him”; 
America loves looking at good-looking 
people. If Neve Campbell's character on 
Party of Five were played by somebody 
less attractive—but still a good actress—1 
don't think it would go over. Nothing 
against Neve Campbell; she's really 
beautiful, very talented, and I'm a big, 
big fan. In comedy, however, it's better if 
you don't look too good. 

PLAYBOY: Last year, Bill Maher posed this 
question to the panel on Politically Incor- 
rect: How large do a woman's breasts 
have to be before she's not taken serious- 
ly anymore? What's your answer? 

CAREY: I think fake tits are just—forget it. 
If it's a question of getting fake tits, I 
hate 'em. Don't do it. I don’t think the is- 
sue is big breasts or not big breasts. It’s 
implants or no implants. Implants imply 
that you're shallow and vain and all you 
need is a pair of tits to get by. Natural 
breasts, big or small, state, “I’m happy 
with who I am.” 

PLAYBOY: Can you always tell fake ones 
from real ones? 


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CAREY: Гуе dated women with fake tits. 
105 not like it's the worst thing in the 
world, don't get me wrong. But none of 
them really needed it. There was one 
girl I dated who was totally beautiful; 
she had fake tits but didn't need them. 
I couldn't figure out why she did it. 
I never brought it up vith her, but I 
thought, Why did you waste your mon- 
ey? She's a model. She probably gets 
more work. Every stripper 1 know who's 
gotten fake tits says she gets more money 
with bigger tits. Some of them get re- 
ally big ones, which is a bad thing to do. 
My manager and 1 went to a strip club in 
Cleveland when I was doing my Show- 
time special there. We didn't know they 
had a special act that night. The woman 
who was appearing supposedly had the 
biggest breasts in the country. They were 
huge. They were like insane—cartoon 
huge. It was such a turn-off. 1 felt bad 
for her. It was like going to the freak 
show at a fair. I didn't want her to dance 
for me. I didn't want to be anywhere 
near her. She mutilated herself. Ugh, it 
was horrible. 

PLAYBOY: But you've had your nipples 
pierced. What inspired that? 

CAREY: They're not pierced anymore. But 
I thought it was kind of cool, because it 
was something nobody would ever ex- 
pect of me, considering the way I look. I 
remember hearing George Schultz from 
the Reagan administration say he had a 
tattoo of a tiger on his ass from when he 
was in college, which 1 believe is true. 
Every time I saw Schultz after that I 
thought, He's a lot cooler than I thought 
he was. 

PLAYBOY: Did it hurt? 

CAREY: The initial pain of getting your 
nipples pierced is tremendous. It's like 
getting stabbed. But after it healed it 
made my nipples ten times more sensi- 
tive than they were before. It feels great 
for anybody who likes having their nip- 
ples pinched or played with or whatever. 
during sex—and everybody does, men 
and women. But I took one out because 
it was put in too close to the skin. If 
something was rubbing against my shirt, 
my nipple would feel sore. I could put 
up with it for a while because it was like 
having a bruise. But then I just got tired 
of it and took it out. I couldn't put on a 
seat belt for a few weeks after I got them 
done. One time I was carrying a shoul- 
der bag through the airport and I let the 
strap slip. It felt like somebody punched 
me, and I went down on one knee. I 
pierced them just to see what it was like. 
It was a macho thing: “I’m not going to 
be a wimp.” [Laughs] “See what a man I 
am? I got my nipples pierced, there's 
nothing you can do to me!" I almost got 
my dick pierced too, but I was on my 
way to a strip club. I didn't want to be 
getting lap dances when I just got my 
dick pierced. Thar's what kept me from 
getting it done. I think you have to wait 


64 atleast a couple of weeks before it's OK 


to have sex again. And I don't want to 
tear anybody up. It's now out of my 
head. I'm over that phase. 

PLAYBOY: When you sec an attractive, 
clothed woman, what's the first thing 
you notice about her? 

CAREY: Her face. 

PLAYBOY: And when she's not clothed? 
CAREY: I'm a leg man. I like legs and ass- 
es. I was never much of a tits guy. Flat- 
chested, big-chested, it doesn't matter to 
me. Save your implant money. 

PLAYBOY: Do you feel sexy? 

carey: Not lately. I feel dumpy and fat 
because I'm overweight. I just hate be- 
ing overweight. It's unattractive. I hate 
having a big gut. I don't like being out of 
shape because | get tired quicker. It's 
like a weird body, this gut sticking out. 
I'm always aware of it. A lot of women 
can get past it—I don't think women are 
as hung up on looks as men are. But 
that's not my rcason to exist. My goal in. 
life isn't to have sex with beautiful wom- 
en. That's ridiculous. How shallow does 
a person have to be to make that their 
life's goal? In the military I was in great 
shape. I used to be really vain about my 
looks. Even though I was slim, I never 
thought I was. I thought I was fat when 
I'd see somebody with a washboard 
stomach that I didn't have. I was really 
very attractive. I just didn't give myself 
any cre 

PLAYBOY: Ellen DeGeneres said that the. 
week she came out of the closet, she lost 
weight because she felt liberated by 
speaking her truth. 

CAREY: Right. Well, once this eating-pussy 
stuff comes out in PLAYBOY maybe ГЇЇ lose 
the weight. Wow, I've never talked about. 
sex so much in an interview. 

PLAYBOY: From whom did you learn the 
facts of life? 

CAREY: My mom brought me a pamphlet 
from church called Almost 12. 1 got it 
when I was 13. I still have it. There's a 
fuzzy picture on the cover and line draw- 
ings of a uterus and stuff in the middle. 
She came home from church one d: 
and said, “Here, I have this for you." I 
read the thing and thought, Oh, that's 
what this is called! It's a penis, not a 
cock. I thought it was called a cock. 
PLAYBOY: Do you always have this much 
fun? 

CAREY: [Laughs, nods his head] 

PLAYBOY: Clearly, your life hasn't been 
all fun. You have tried to kill yourself. 
Twice. Why? 

CAREY: | was in pretty bad shape in those 
days. You can't be well if you try to kill 
yourself [laughs]. It's so unnormal. It's 
not a sane decision. I couldn't tell you 
exactly how I was feeling at all. The situ- 
ation is so far removed from me now, I 
have no idea what I was doing or what I 
was thinking. But I do remember think- 
ing, What an idiot. 
PLAYBOY: How di 
change you? 
CAREY: I'm hardly afraid of anything. It 


the suicide auempts 


takes away a lot of fear when you're not 
afraid of dying. You know everybody 
dies and you accept it. You think, Yeah, 
I'll try anything, because you want to 
experience stuff before you go. While 
you're on the earth, you want to live, so 
that's all there is to that 

PLAYBOY: What sorts of things were go- 
ing through your mind when you awoke 
from those experiences? 

CAREY: The first time, 1 was in my frater- 
nity house after I took the pills. 1 
thought, Oh man, what's going to hap- 
pen? Am I going to hell? That thought 
came into my head right away. I was re- 
ally afraid of it. I ran and got somebody 
right away. The second time, I don't 
know what I was thinking. I took a lot of 
pills and called this girl I knew to say 
goodbye to her. I told her what I did 
and she called the police. 1 didn't think 
they would get to me in time, but they 
did. I felt, Wow, what a loser. What a 
stupid thing to do. How could I be such 
abonehead? 

PLAYBOY: Afterward, what helped? 

CAREY: When you start over, there's a 
rebuilding process that you have to go 
through. Once you start, it forces you to 
take a second look at yourself. If you do 
it in a good way, you think, Well, I did 
something stupid, but at least I have 
both hands and feet. After the first at- 
tempt, 1 bought a Wayne Dyer book 
called Your Erroneous Zone, which helped. 
It gave me an easy-to-understand, log- 
ical, acceptable explanation for what 
I was going through. I thought, Why 
didn't somebody tell me this before? Af- 
ter the second attempt, 1 read the self- 
help books I hadn't read. They helped. 1 
never tried again. 

PLAYBOY: You wrote that you were sexu- 
ally abused when you were nine years 
old. Was that connected to the suicide 
attempts? 

CAREY: I'm sure it had a domino effect. 
I've read books about it. I bought a book 
called Abused Boys. Most books about sex- 
ual abuse are about women. Ryan Stiles’ 
joke on our set is, "We'll be back with 
Touched by an Uncle right after this" 
[laughs]. That's the typical thing you 
think of, but sexual abuse could come 
from an older woman. It could be anoth- 
er teenager. There are a lot of ways a 
child can be sexually abused. It’s not 
necessarily by a parent or an uncle when 
it's inappropriate sexual contact with a 
person that age. 

I don't want to make it out to be too 
big a thing. Nothing 1 read about in 
Abused Boys ever happened to me. Those 
guys were repeatedly raped by a grand- 
father or an aunt or somebody. 

"That book was horrible to read. Man, 
it was really heartbreaking. But I don't 
want people to think that's what hap- 
pened to me. It was a one-time thing. It 
wasn't a good thing, but it wasn't the 
worst thing that could ever happen to 

(continued on page 140) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


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funk. Going to a chic club? Take that special lady in a truck. In 1998 the number of trucks sold in 
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or Esquire. PLAYBOY—we leave our competition in the dust. (Source: 1998 Spring MRI.) 65 


66 


WHEN I SOME T° DEADWOOD 
AFTER LITTLE BIGHORN, 
THE FIRST PERSON 
I RUN INTO WAS WILD BILL MICKOK, 
WHICH WAS LUSKY FOR M6- 
IF NOT FOR HIM 


FICTION BY THOMAS BERGER 


y name is Jack 

Crabb, and in the 

middle of the last 

century | come 
West with my people in a cov- 
ered wagon, ai age ten went 
off with and was reared by 
Cheyenne Indians, given the 
name of Little Big Man, learned 
to speak their language, ride, 
hunt, steal ponies and make 
war, and, in part of my mind, to 
think like them. In my teen years 
1 was captured by the U.S. Cav- 
alry and went on to have many 
adventures and personal ac- 
quaintanceship with notables 
of the day and place like Gen- 
eral George A. Custer, James 
B. "Wild ok, Wyatt Earp 
surviving Gen- 
at the Little 
River, which the Indi- 
Greasy Grass, the 
ed Battle of the Little 


Vhere I'm starting in here is 


not long after the death of Old 
Lodge Skins, the Cheyenne 
chief who was like a father 
iome. 

| managed, traveling on foot 
and mostly by night, after 
about a month, to get down to 
the mining town of Deadwood 
in Dakota Territory, undamaged 
except for being three-fourths 
starved because food is hard to 
come by in the dark without the 
eyes of a catamount, and | had 
to eat wild turnips and unripe 
plums and bullberries still green 
and hard, along with a lot of 
bark and weeds. | had no weap- 
on but a real poor knife | had 
begged off my recent red com- 
rades who despite their big vic- 
tory was poor as ever- kind of. 
standard Indian situation. 

Deadwood at fhis time was 
more or less one long ditch of, 
depending on the weather, 
mud or dust, lined on both sides 
by saloons. They had spared 


ILLUSTRATION BY WINSTON SMITH 


PLAYBOY 


68 


from the ax one or two tall pines like 
what the Indians used for lodgepoles— 
another reason the Black Hills was pre- 
cious land, the plains being ueeless—a 
few stores, a number of harlotries and 
a bathhouse. 

I took the lay of the land in the wee 
hours of the morning, by which time 
the streets was deserted and even the 
soiled doves had turned down the 
lamps in their rooms, else 1 might of 
tried to get past the madam (who was 
always a hard case) and talk one of the 
girls into extending me a little loan. 

1 hadn't ate real food in ever so long, 
and I was in grievous need of funds, 
now I was amidst whites once more. 1 
had to figure out a profession for my- 
self. Looking along that street, all that 
immediately come to mind was some- 
thing connected with whiskey, gam- 
bling and whores. There was plenty 
room for legitimate business establish- 
ments, but to set up a shop you had to 
be grubstaked to lay in your stock, and 
credit is mighty hard to come by in a 
gold-strike area. I had not washed a 
lot on the route down here. I hadn't 
shaved in ever so long, either, but the 
way my whiskers growed I still looked 
more dirty than bearded to the quick 
glance 1 give my visage now and again 
when I knelt to drink in a stream slow- 
moving enough to reflect an image. 

Now, while I'm standing there on 
the board sidewalk in front of an estab- 
lishment bearing a crude handpainted 
sign, THE CONGRESS, which was more 
likely to be another saloon rather than 
a legislative chamber, though glass 
windows was rare in Deadwood, so I 
couldn't see inside, who should step 
out through the door but a frock-coat- 
ed tall figure who was right familiar 
to me. 

Under the broad-brimmed sombre- 
ro, he looked considerably older than 
when I had last seen him just the pre- 
vious spring in Cheyenne, Wyoming 
Territory. His hair was still shoulder 
length, but it had gone wispy at the 
ends, as had his drooping mustache, 
and his once clear gray-blue eyes was 
red-rimmed and kinda watery. His face 
was real pale. That long hooked nose 
of his had got pointiei 

“Wild Bill Hickok,” 
got here too.” Now that I seen him, 1 
recalled we had talked of prospecting 
for gold in Deadwood. 

The keen nostrils at the end of that 
long nose were twitching, and he backs 
away. “Is that stink coming from you, 
hos: 

I was more than embarrassed. "I'm 
down on my luck, Bill,” I says, “and 


ain't ate in some time. I don't know if 


you heard yet, Custer and most of the 
Seventh was rubbed out by the hostiles 
up in Montana. I happened to be there 


but got away with my life due to a 
Cheyenne I knowed. . . ." 

Hickok had backed away a few more 
paces as I spoke. He was shaking his 
head, his long tresses brushing the 
shoulders of his swallowtail. “Hoss,” he 
says, breaking in, "I never shot anyone 
for telling tall stories of that nature, 
which I've done myself to greenhorns. 
But P've knocked him down. If a hand- 
out is what you need, then you oughta 
ask and not try to make a fool of me." 
He sweeps away the coat with his left 
hand and plucks a silver dollar from 
the lower pocket in his fancy vest. Bill 
was famous for his sartorial taste, as 
well as his personal deanliness. “I will 
stake you to a bath, shave and a trim." 

I didn't persist with my story but 
right away said, "Thank you kindly. I 
wonder if you would mind if I get 
something to eat with some of the 
money?" 

Wild Bill slowly blinks those sore- 
looking eyes and goes again into the 
vest pocket with two left fingers and 
finds me another dollar. This one felt 
funny, and I looked and saw it was 
nicked at one edge, but I guess it was 
still good, and I thanked him again. 

"Alter a plate of bread and beans, 
you'll have enough left to pick up a 
shirt and pants where they sell used 
clothes, down the street. Then burn 
what you're wearing now." 

He turns and moves away, though 
not with the assured stride of old. Also 
he stayed on the walk, instead of the 
middle of the street, which he had once 
been famous for using so he could scan 
the area for possible bushwhackers and 
also keep a certain distance between 
him and them who might fire on him 
from ambush. But one thing 1 was sure 
about: Namely, that when he played 
poker he still sat with his back to a wall. 

I had no reason not to act on his sug- 
gestion, having some pride in my ap- 
pearance when I could afford as much. 
1 purchased a pair of canvas pants in 
reasonably good condition and almost 
clean, along with a flannel shirt that 
was wore through at the elbows but 
had no discernible odor. These with 
the other goods heaped in the tent of 
the old-clothes dealer had been sold 
by gold-rushers who had run out 
of funds, either because they never 
panned any dust or lost it all gambling. 
Imagine what the original owners had 
got for a pants and shirt that cost me 70 
cents altogether. That dealer throwed 
in a beat-up old hat with so greasy a 
sweatband I tore it away. 

I had enough money left for coffee 
and two orders of beans and bread, the 
second of which 1 made sandwiches 
from. Believe me when I say prices was 
greatly inflated at Deadwood, as at all 
gold towns. 


I put the sandwiches in the pockets 
of my pants, which as always was too 
roomy for me, cinched at the waist with 
a length of rope and folded up at the 
cuffs, and went out along the street try- 
ing each of the saloons, of which al- 
ready at that time there must have 
been two dozen or more within a mile 
and a half. As time went on, somebody 
told me the number rose to 76. Some 
ofthem I looked into had a bar consist- 
ing of a wooden plank supported by a 
barrel at either end, a bottle or two, 
and tin cups you'd never see washed 
out between drinkers if you watched all 
day. They didn't have no windows usu- 
ally, so they was lighted by oil lamps at 
high noon in blazing sunshine out- 
doors. The bartender might not have a 
towel or apron—fact is, he was often 
dressed like his customers, even to the 
hat—but he was never withouta prom- 
inent shotgun, leaning close at hand. 
This was used mostly as a pointer to 
indicate the door when the level of 
bad feeling among the drunks sounded 
like it would take another form than 
mere verbal abuse. But since only two 
or three people per week was shot to 
death in Deadwood at this time, it was 
not considered necessary yet to hire an 
officer of the law. 

I didn't have no more money and 
therefore could not afford a drink, 
which in some of these places was as 
much as a dollar per shot, being at that 
price presumably something on the or- 
der of real whiskey, whereas the cut- 
rate joints, at 50 cents per, no doubt 
served up a kind of concoction of to- 
bacco juice, gunpowder, pepper and 
snake venom. 

I hadn't looked in more than three 
or four places when in the darkest 
place I had been yet, I made out a table 
full of poker players back a ways, un- 
der the light of a hanging lamp, and 
one of them was Wild Bill Hickok. 

For a number of reasons I did not 
want to disturb Wild Bill, who took his 
poker real serious, so I returned out- 
side to eat my sandwiches. 

Wild Bill was just leaving the poker 
game when I was done, and was asking 
them standing at the bar if anyone 
wanted to take his seat, and one fellow 
went over and pulled the stool up to 
the table. He had a sandy mustache 
and there was something wrong with 
his eyes, which in his case were slightly 
crossed. 

“You're greatly improved, hoss," 
Wild Bill says to me, inspecting me at 
close quarters. He buys me a shot of. 
whiskey, which I drank down real slow, 
as I had not tasted any for ever so long. 
Even so, 1 felt its vapors hit my brain 
shortly after the first sip. 

Wild Bill introduced me to the 

(continued on page 84) 


“In the year of the rabbit you should stock up on condoms.” 


70 


„^ч ==. m 
í FI A pe ES 
^e Vive LL abe be rana 


( 2 LI | d 
EE. He Vy J АЛАС J ТИШ 


= meet cindy guyer, a model of passion 


Jf wovcuyer, master of the come-hither-and-rip-my-bodice look and cover model for more than 2500 romance nov- 

^ els, waxes rhapsodic about life thus far: “I'm independent. I have a great family. My job calls for me to act out tor- 
rid love stories and portray strong women. How cool is that?” Pretty cool, considering that Guyer was discovered by a mod- 
eling agency when she was 14, while lunching with her parents. Two years later, she landed her first romance novel cover. 
Now 30, Guyer 1s a rising actress, an Internet presence (cindyguyer.com) and a matchmaker (“Four friends are married be- 
cause of me,” she says). What's missing from this fairy tale? A “Prince Charming,” Guyer says. We predict a happy ending. 


In о world full of cynics, Cindy's upbeat demeanar is refreshing. “I have problems like everyone else, but | always lock on the positive. 
side. Of all the terrific women I've known in novels, my fovarite is Glinda the Соса Witch. She makes wonderful things happen.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


fA i 


Guyer is looking for o strong man who isn't intimidoted by her sexy line of work. On 
potential knights in shining armor: “Chivalry is not dead. | love it when o man brings 
flowers and holds open doors. | won't have sex with a guy on the first date. In fact, 
I like to мой as long os possible. I think it's important to maintoin the mystery.” 


PG. 
Dd 


"Posing for PLAYBOY is o 30th birthdoy present to 
myself," Guyer soys. “I wonted to document how 
1 look before I get much older. Also, | wont to 
broaden my imoge, to let people know thot I'm 
not just o good girl. In foct, m so much more.” 


= è e 
you can take this test or you can take your chances Ww / EN R y 0 i r 


ou have just had one of those 
incredible weekends together: 
laughing at each other's jokes, 
listening to each other's stori 
talking about your best dreams 
for the future, then rolling again and 
again into the kind of lovemaking that 
almost sets the drapes on fire, un- 


article By Craig Vetter 


til finally you can't help wondering if 
maybe vou shouldn't just go ahead 
and start looking for the kind of jewel- 
ry that asks, “Um, do you want to try 
this... I mean... till... um . . . death 
do us part?” 
It’s never easy to know through the 
first blinding strike 
of love and sex if 
the relationship 
is doomed or 
blessed to go 
the distance. 
There is a 
man, how- 
ever, whose 
scientif- 


ic approach to couples’ research over 
the past 28 years has produced un- 
equaled accuracy in predicting exact- 
ly that. His name is John Gottman, 
and before he took his Ph.D. in psy- 
chology he graduated from MIT with 
a master's in mathematics, As a result, 
he began examining the powerful 
emotional currents that run through 
all relationships in much the same 
way mathematicians look at chaos the- 
ory. By attaching numbers to the myr- 
iad physical and psychological reac- 
tions a couple has to each other in 
conversation, he has developed a for- 
mula that can predict the 
success or failure ofa re- 
lationship 94 percent 
of the time. 
“John Gott- 
man is the 
Mozart of 
social 


"Es. THERE s Hol 


So you failed the tests. That 
doesn't mean the end is near or 
that you can't change. John Gott- 
man has some advice on saving 
your relationship. 

* For those who are just too 
critical, Gortman warns that at- 
tacking your partner will almost 
certainly bury your legitimate 
complaint in an avalanche of bad 
feelings. During your next argu- 
ment, he suggests, try to take the 
blame out of your peeves. Be di- 
rect, Say: “When you were late for 
dinner it rattled me,” instead of, 
“The reason you're always late is 
that you don't give a damn about 
anyone but yourself.” 

Leave your partner’s personali- 
ty out of it. Don’t color your re- 
marks w sult (“You know 
your timing sucks”), mockery (“I 
guess we all ought to get ourselves 
a watch that doesn’t have a big 
hand or a lile hand") or sarcasm 
(“Ме had a great time eating 
cheeseballs and watching the roast 
shrivel while we waited for your 
entrance”). And limit yourself to a 
single complaint rather than pil- 
ing all your angry baggage into 
one bewildering onslaught (And. 
the body stocking was a bit much, 
not to mention the way you talked 
with your mouth full, then ate 
with your fingers off the boss’ 
plate while everyone stared and I 
felt like a complete idict"). 

* Is too much criticism leading 
you to contempt? Unchecked con- 
tempt is a sign that the fondness 
and admiration you brought into 
the relationship is dying. When 
couples attack each other in cruel 
and careless ways, one of them, 
usually the man, is likely to expe- 
tience a flood of adrenaline and 
other stress chemicals that trigger 
increased heartbeat, respiration 
and sweating. Gottman's studies 
have shown that this flooding 
goads the mind into a cycle of dis- 
torted and distressing thoughts, 
from which it is difficult to recov- 
er. When you begin to feel that 
your partner doesn't even like 
you, it becomes nearly impossible 
to think of ways or reasons to re- 
paix the rift. 

The antidote to contempt is the 
kind of admiration that friends 
share. "Our work," says Gottman, 
"has shown that simple friendship 
between a couple is not only a 
poverful predictor of long-term 
success, it's also the mainstay of 

sex" 

If you find yourself in or near 
ces in your next heated ar- 
gument, try to inject a note of 
respect or affection somewhere 
in the cloud of vitriol as a way 


of acknowledging that your basic 
friendship has not died in battle. 
Don't use arguments as opportu- 
nities to retaliate or exhibit your 
superior moral stance. Disputes 
thar sink consistently into con- 
tempt almost always end in righ- 
teousness, shame and disgust, and 
virtually guarantee that the third 
horseman will come charging into 
the fray. 

* It's difficult nor to be defen- 
sive at times. In general, the de- 
fensive person feels wronged, mis- 
understood, unfairly treated and 
unappreciated. These feelings are 
not easy to overcome, but Gott- 
man's research has shown that if 
you can hear your partner's words 
as information strongly expressed 
rather than as an attack, you may 
be able to defuse the situation. If 
you can be genuinely open and 
receptive even in the face of hard 
accusations, your partner's attack 
will probably soften. If it doesn't, 
if you dig in and remain defensive 
the fourth horseman will likely ar- 
rive to close the circle of failure 
around your relationship. 

© Even if your relationship is 
being attacked by the fourth 
horseman, Gottman has a remedy. 
He points out that stonewalling is 
most often a physiological reac- 
tion, and the best way to break out 
of it is to calm yourself: Take deep 
breaths, tell yourself that the at- 
tack is not personal but the result 
of a mutual and perhaps natural 
difficulty in the relationship. Re- 
mind yourself that though this is a 
bad moment, things are not al- 
ways this dark. Tell yourself that 
it's better to hang in there, та; 
even to admit that you feel like 
fleeing, instead of actually run- 
ning out on the conversation. 
Even painful exchangesare usual- 
ly better than no exchange at all. 
Even heated disputes can be 
cooled. 

Gottman has found that if you 
can break off the conversation for 
20 minutes—enough time for 
heart rates and adrenaline to di- 
minish—things can be different 
when you return. He stops cou- 
ples after 15 minutes of arguing 
and asks them to read magazines 
for 20 minutes. When they re- 
sume their discussion, both have 
lost the fire that was consuming 
them. It doesn’t work if they take 
the 20 minutes to rehearse fur- 
ther argument or to replay the 
bad moments they have just been 
through. But after a simple dis- 
tracting task, they return to the 
conversation with the productive. 
calm that they had lost during the 
argument. 


to them as the four horsemen of the 
apocalypse. 

“Every relationship has some of the 
four horsemen,” he says. “Everybody 
screws up. Repairing the damage is 
critical. If it isn't repaired, each horse- 
man cuts a path for the next one until 
the relationship goes into a free fall to- 
ward failure. Our research has specifi- 
cally identified the degree to which 
couples engage in four conversational 
styles as early warning signs of the be- 
ginning of the end. There are things 
you can do to change a downward spi- 
ral, but first you have to be aware of the 
behaviors that feed the destructive cas- 
cade of discord and negativity.” 

Given his success at charting the 
chaotic emotional dynamics in relation- 
ships, we have asked Gottman to help 
us fashion a four-part test that will give 
you some idea of how your horses are 
running. Ideally, your pretest relation- 
ship should be at least six months old, 
and though no test can be a foolproof 
measure of the human heart, your 
scores here should at least give you a 
sense of whether you and your sweet- 
heart will still be together down the 
road. For those of you who find the 
hoofbeats loud and close, Gottman's 
suggestions on how to turn the stam- 
pede are included in the Yes, There's 
Hope sidebar at left. 


CRITICISM 


Every couple has its complaints, 
which is really just a sign that you're 
two distinct human beings. It's fine to 
tell your partner that you didn't like it 
when she arrived an hour late for the 
dinner you were cooking for your boss 
and his wife. But when you load the 
complaint with an attack on her per- 
sonality or character ("What is it about 
your upbringing that makes you think 
it's all right to keep everybody wait- 
ing?"), that's criticism. All couples fall 
into criticism around their hot-button 
issues, but if the tough conversations 
revolve relentlessly around phrases 
such as You always, or You never, the 
first horseman is loose and the others 
are probably on their way. 

Think back to your last argument 
and answer these statements with a yes 
or no: 

(1) I thought it was important to es- 
tablish who was at fault. 

(2) I was trying to see patterns and 
analyze my partner's personality as 
part of my complaint. 

(3) I wanted to make a general point 
instead of sticking to the specific issue 
we'd started with. 

(4) I didn't censor my complaints at 
all. I let my partner have it in a really 
vicious way. 

(5) When I was complaining I felt 

(continued on page 88) 


“This is what you get in night court, sonny.” 


79 


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umanon 
MARINA g #7 
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59 


ТНЕ МОМЕМТ 15 
АТ HAND. PUT 


TWO THOUSAND 
YEARS” WORTH 
OF TECHNOLOGY 
ON YOUR WRIST 


In less than a year, we're all 
going to have to adjust our 
mental clocks, so it's appro- 
priate to think about time— 
and timepieces, Looking at the 
watches at left, you'll see but 
a few traces of the digital age. 
There's a reason the watch of the 
future looks lil could fit over 
your father's wrist. Digital read- 
outs give a linear interpretation of 
time—the kind of thinking that 
gave us Y2K. Round faces, with 
their circular depiction of time, re- 
quire a mature understanding of the 
fourth dimension. The modern man 
realizes that what goes around comes 
around—in all price ranges: At top 
left, you'll find the Omega Speed- 
master Professional X-33 Mars Watch 
($2595). It has a red Kevlar strap, but 
the basic color scheme is silver and black. 
(The watch of the future does not come 
in gold!) From left to right: The titanium 
watch by Tissot has seven functions and 
costs $595. Then comes Heuer Monaco 
by TAG Heuer ($2300), a limited-edition 
timepiece with a square, water-resistant 
case. The Swatch Irony Scuba 200 is a water- 
resistant diving watch ($90) with an alumi- 
num case. The Luminor watch from Panerai 
comes with two straps—one calfskin, one rub- 
ber ($2300). The Bulgari Aluminum watch al- 
so has a rubber bezel and rubber bracelet 
($1400). Starting off the bottom row at left is 
PLAYBOY's 45th Anniversary watch, a collector's 
item for the ages, made by Xemex ($495). Next, 
the Hemipode watch by Ikepod was conceived 
by interior designer Marc Newson ($3950). It has 
a monocoque case (one piece instead of many). 
"The Seiko Kinetic watch is run by a small electric 
generator—it's charged every time you move your 
arm ($675). At bottom right is the Ventura watch 
($3000). With a thick post and wide bezel. it works 
well on either the Washington or lunar shuttle. 
PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 
PROPS BY KATHY KALAFUT FOR PARRELLA MANAGEMENT 
WHERE & HOW TO BLY ON PAGE 154 


t has happened before. American Graffiti, The 
Breakfast Club and Fast Times at Ridgemont High 
captured life on the brink of adulthood and 

launched careers. Now comes Go, the first slasherless and 

scream-free movie to showcase a group of young actors 
since Feeling Minnesota froze up at the box office. It's the 
work of director Doug Liman, whose Swingers was an influ- 
ential anthem to road trips, martini culture and big band 
music. In Go the action revolves around three sets of actors 
and a drug deal gone bad. Perhaps its main achievement is 
throwing high-definition attention on a cast of young, easy- 
to-look-at actors who will be Most Likely to Succeed in the 
class of 2001. From Timothy Olyphant's Santa-hatted drug 
dealer to Scott Wolf's murderous soap opera actor, the 
roles double nicely as casting advertisements. Liman 
freely admits, “We spent more time casting than shoot- 
ing—four and a half months." He poached such demo- 
graphically correct TV shows as Dawson's Creek and Party 
of Five while keeping an eye on indie films. “Go has two 

teenage girls as its leads. If we’d been willing to cast 30- 

year-olds playing 17, we could have cast it in a day." 

The widespread appeal of Swingers was in inverse pro- 
portion to its small budget. Liman never expected such a 
broad reaction to his directorial premiere. “I knew Га get 
great performances, show the tape to actors and get them 
excited about working with me," he says. “That was the ex- 
tent of my hopes for Swingers. 1 don't think you can set out 
10 have a cultural impact. Anyone setting out to do it will 
fail." Go may not have quite that seismic rumble (the rave 
scene is nothing new), but it is intriguing—sort of a cross 
between Bujfy the Vampire Slayer and Rashomon. “There's a 
celebration of being 18 in the script," says Liman. “When 
you're 18 you can do the most socially irresponsible, 
morally questionable stuff and get away with it. You and 
your friends do things you shouldn't survive. You're all in 
à car crash, and it's a miracle nobody gets killed.” 

Even if you don't like the film, you'll love the actors. 
They're talented and should be household names by the 
year you-know-what. With that in mind, we've written 
thumbnail sketches on our two thumbs-up. 


Scott Wolf 

Currently knoun for: Party of Five 

About to be known for: Leaving Party of Five. (“I don't 
want to be around when this thing turns to shit.") 

Age: 30 

Broadens horizons in Go by: Playing a gay soap actor who 
hits a woman with his Miata. 

Honest career assessment: 
Urkle, and less than Leo." 

Has the potential to be: An elfin version of Brad Pitt. 

Wolf has the highest profile in the cast. His character’s 
taste for E has turned him into a narc, with amusing re- 
sults. His interaction with his lover (played by Jay Mohr) is 
one of the film's hot spots. “It’s one of those films where 
the whole point is the ride,” he says. “It is independent 
filmmaking at its purest. There were times when I wasn't 
sure we had cleared the location. Everyone vas like, *Let's 
just sneak back, open up the lights and don't make any 
‘commotion.’ At the same time, Doug has an amazing gift 
with the camera." 

Katie Holmes 

Currently knoun for: Dawson's Creek 

About to be known for: More Dawson's Creek 

Age: 19 

About-face in Go: Moves from playing naive girl next 
door who kisses Dawson to playing naive girl next door 
who kisses drug dealers. 

Next big hurdle: Playing somebody other than the girl 
next door. 

“I met with Katie Holmes before Dawson's Creek start- 
ed," says Liman. “The moment I met with her I knew she 
was the character Claire." We could tantalize you with how 
we sce Katie Holmes. We could run some of her shy, unas- 
suming comments in which she denies her role as heart- 
throb. Instead, here are testimonials from two of her smit- 
ten male co-stars. “Katie Holmes, she's a hottie,” says Taye 
Diggs. “After talking to Katie for (continued on page 144) 


Гуе had more attention than 


[ [ a pd u, Л f 


ARMED WITH A HANDHELD CAMERA, DIRECTOR DOUG LIMAN HAS CREATED A 


T TA 


WOUNDS, VEGAS, AN EXTRAHEAVY DOSE OF E, TECHNO MUSIC. NARCS WITH 


Da 


WIRES AND TWO NATURALLY CUTE WOMEN. IT'S BOUND TO GIVE YOU A RUSH 


PLAYBOY 


84 


LiTTLE BiG MAN 


(continued from page 68) 


Bill comes back out with a photo. “Now tell me if 
that isn't the finest-looking woman you ever seen.” 


bartender, man name of Harry Sam 
Young, and told me he knew him too, 
from back in Kansas. 

“This town's full of friends,” he went 
on. “California Joe, Colorado Char- 
ley Utter, White-Eye Jack Anderson, 
they're all here. But the real news is I 
recently got married." He got a refill 
from Harry Young. I was still working. 
on my first. "Which reminds me." He 
looks around like he's worried some- 
body's listening in, and decides maybe 
they might yet, and asks me to step 
aside for a confidential matter. 

Coming into the bright sunlight 
from a semidarkness smelling of lamp 
oil, liquor and sweat was probably 
more the cause of my swimming vision 
than even the fiery hooch (which in 
case you never knew it is an Indian 
word, though not Cheyenne). 

Wild Bill's own eyes was squeezed in- 
to sightless slits, and it’s funny that 
what I thought of was how helpless he 
would be if someone was to shoot him 
at such a moment. 

He takes me by the elbow of my shirt 
and bends down and in a subdued 
voice he says, “Hoss, 1 seem to recall 
being in your company once in a cer- 
tain kind of establishment, or am 1 
wrong?” 

"Thar's right, Bill, you and me went 
to a whorehouse.” 

He flinches and says, “Keep your 
voice down, willya?" 

I had not been shouting, but I did as 
asked, and went on. “That was right af- 
ter you shot Strawhan's brother, which 
was the damnedest thing I ever wit- 
nessed. Not only did he have the drop 
on you, he was about to shoot you in 
the back. You seen him in the mirror. 
My God, you was fast.” 

He showed a thin smile, lifting his 
head and opening his eyes away from 
the sun. "I'm not that good anymore, 
hoss. I don't say I'm bad, but I don't 
sec as well as I used to. They still get 
me to shoot coins on edge, but nowa- 
days it’s dollars, not the dimes of the 
old days." 

I reflected that one of the dollars he 
give me had that nick in it. "I saw you 
put ten loads into the O in the sign 
across Market Square in K.C., a hun- 
dred yards away." 

Wild Bill continues his distant smile. 
“The Odd Fellows’ sign,” says he. “I 
couldn't do that nowadays. I'm taking 
something for my eyes. It makes me 
pale, and maybe it is doing something 


to my well-being. But here's what I 

wanted to tell you, hoss. If you remem- 

ber that sporting house, well, I'd as 

soon you forgot about it insofar as I am 
rsonally involved." 

Now Wild Bill Hickok wasn't the sort 
of man from who you would deny a fa- 
vor requiring as little effort as this, so I 
hastened to reassure him. 

“I got nothing against sporting wom- 
еп,” he goes on. “Some of them been 
real good friends of mine. Fact is, the 
wagon train we brought up here from 
Cheyenne stopped at Laramie and 
loaded on Dirty Emma, Sizzling Kate 
and others who have set up shop down 
the street here, should you have a nat- 
ural need." Now his smile became 
something you might of seen on a 
preacher. "Now I'm married I have 
changed my ways." He looked real 
high-minded, lofty eyebrows, pious 
mouth under the drooping mustache. 
“Agnes,” says he, “owned her own 
show, she and her previous husband. 
one of the noted clowns of the day un- 
til some little bastard shot him through 
the heart on account of not getting in 
free one day." 

Wild Bill had told me about Aggic 
on a previous occasion, so I was able to 
say, “1 do believe she is a celebrated 
equestrienne,” says I, using the word as 
he originally did, and he was right 
pleased now. 

“That's right, hoss, also a tightrope 
walker, but them days is behind her 
now. You might of heard of Ada Isaacs 
Mencken, who is renowned for a the- 
atrical presentation called Mazeppa, 
where she is tied buck naked to a horse 
that runs around the stage. Well, those 
who saw both of them in the part gave 
their preference to Agnes, and she nev- 
er rode naked, I'll tell you that: She al- 
ways wore tights that looked that way." 
He frowns. “I don't even like that, for I 
know there were sons of bitches who 
thought she was naked." He clears his 
throat. "Well, like I say, that's a thing of 
the past. No wife of James B. Hickok, 
Wild Bill, is ever going to work. I want 
her home in our little nest, sweet Agnes 
of mine.” 

He had taken to calling himself by 
the whole two names together, like it 
was some legal matter of correct identi- 
fication, and maybe it was, for Wild 
Bills were all over the West in that era, 
at least one of them a white man who 
claimed to have joined the Cheyennes 
at an early age—no, not me, obviously 


some goddamn liar. 

"T'd be proud to meet her, Bill. Has 
she come along with you to Deadwoot 
Or is she back in Cheyenne?" 

Wild Bill snorted. "Neither, hoss. 
She's a fine lady. I wouldn't let her set. 
foot in a hog wallow like this. I just 
come here to make some money. She's 
back in what they call the Queen 
City, Cincinnati, Ohio, waiting for my 
return. 

"Say," Wild Bill says now, "come on 
back to my wagon and I'll show you 
her picture." 

We walked not far along Deadwood 
Canyon to what was still then the out- 
skirts of town and found there, 
amongst a goodly number of tents that 
constituted the residential district, a 
covered wagon that was a bit smaller 
than the vehicle in which me and my 
family come West years earlier. I be- 
lieve this one was from the Army. 

Bill climbs up inside and comes back 
out with a photo, which he hands 
down. "Now tell me if that isn't the 
finest-looking woman you ever seen." 

Wild Bill was not the kind of man I 
would have disagreed with even if he 
wasn't lovesick, so I was as complimen- 
tary as I could be, but as it happened I 
admit I found his Agnes to be remark- 
ably plain in appearance, at least as she 
was represented by the camera, which 
is not to say I doubted what he said 
about her talent. 

“What you might wonder is why a 
person of her high type would be inter- 
ested in me," he says with what I took 
as real modesty for a man many ladies 
had had a crush on, but then I never 
knew any dead shot on either side of 
the law that did not attract more wom- 
en than anybody peaceful. “I'm trying 
my hand at somcthing morc dignificd 
than what I done previously, and also 
more profitable. You can't put aside 
much on a lawman's eighty-to-a-hun- 
dred per month, and you can always 
get shot for your trouble." 

He brought a bottle with him when 
he clumb down from the wagon, and 
we sat on a couple wooden boxes, for- 
mer Army ammunition crates. He took 
a big gulp himself and then passed the 
bottle to me. 

"That whiskey was nowhere near the 
quality of that which Harry Sam Young 
had poured for us at No. 10, but Wild. 
Bill didn't seem to notice. I could hard- 
ly get it down or keep it there. 

“I ever tell you about my time as a 
showman?” Wild Bill asks. 

"Wasn't you at Niagara Falls with a 
herd of buffal 

“That's right,” he says and takes an- 
other slug from the bottle. “But later 1 
traveled around the East for a time, 
performing in a stage play with Bill 

(continued on page 153) 


p 


B 


DONOTFEED 
SE PROHIBE 
Ы PAR COMIDA | 


“Hey, Pop, how about lifting me up о 1 can watch the monkeys fuck.” 


Want to know what a wom- 
an sees when she looks in a 
mirror? Turn on the TV. 
Thanks to a new generation of 
inventively frank programs, 
the mirror may as well be on 
her bedroom ceiling. Following 
the trend of building plots 
around three-way secret trysts 
and mate swapping—a trend 
started on Melrose Place— 
shows such as Dawson's Creek, 
Dharma and Greg, Just Shoot 
Me, Ally McBeal and, best of 
all, Sex and the City have a 
lock—no, handeuffs—on the 
female psyche. Yes, TV is still 
a sanitized version of real life, 
It's a filter. But there's some 
good to that. If the women on 
the TV are getting raunchier, 
just think of the fantasies 
dancing through your date’s 
head. To skip the innuendo and 
learn about her true views on 
sex, ask her about her favorite. 
television shows. 


VIDEO) menu 


N ` 


During the brief history of hot TV, the arc of development from 
amusing innuendo to graphic sex has been short and steamy. It's 
only fitting to find it happening on sitcoms, where scriptwriters have 
long referred to plot devices and one-liners as teasers and hot buttons. 
“You're going to cet so lucky tonight": Sex-laden shows still tiptoe 
around sex. This minor art form reached a high point on Seinfeld with 
the rhymes-with-a-female-body-part episode, and the struggle among 
Jerry, Kramer, George and Elaine—especially Elaine—to remain 
masters of their domains. (We got a particular thrill when Elaine 
caved.) Fast-forward to Samantha (Kim Cattrall) on Sex and the City, 
who took an ill-advised vow of chastity. Unable to hold out any longer, 
she propositioned a man in her yoga class. No luck. She turned to the instructor. No luck. Desperate, she 
set her sights on another guy in class and whispered to him. He couldn't hear her. So she shouted, "Wan- 
na fuck?" Who needs euphemisms? 
Blue Velvet: NYPD Blue plotted quite a course. First we 
were blessed with female nudity. The high-water mark came 
when Jimmy Smits was bitching about his rotten day to Kim 
Delaney in the bathtub. Slowly, her hand reaches under the. 
water to give him a real scrubbing. Sure beats all those shots 
of Sipowicz' butt. 
Toys Story: They're not just talking about blindfolds and 
whipped cream anymore. These days we're getting a peek into 
Veronica's padded closet. Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart) is 
always looking for the perfect man. When she finally finds 
him, she pulls him out of the box and inflates everything but 
his ego. Dharma and Greg is also not beyond lubricating the laughs. To spice up her mother-in-law's mar- 
riage, Dharma takes the prude shopping for sex toys and finds bottled karma—fat-free motion lotion. 


chicks on dicks 


Ally McBeal devoted an episode to the “size matters” debate 
when the female attorneys took a sculpting class. As the buff 
male model disrobed, the girls asked for more clay. Lots more. 
Then Ally boffed the guy, simply because he was well hung. For 
the uncensored truth, you need to watch only one show: Sex and 
the City. From the mouths of babes: “I was once with a guy 


who was the size of one of those miniature-golf pencils. 1 
couldn't tell if he was trying to fuck me or erase me.” 
—Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) 

“Tlove a big dick. I love it inside me. I love looking at it. I 
love everything about it."—Samantha 

“Whoever holds the dick holds the power." —Miranda 

“Personally I'm loving it up to the point that the guy 
wants me to swallow.” — Miranda 

Don't have cable? Check out this quote from that teenage 
angstfest, Dawson's Creek: “He's a 15-year-old boy. He doesn't 

All he knows is that he goes to sleep 
in’ his gherkin and he wakes up humping his mattress. 
You're a sex kitten, Jen. Wear something scandalous. Seduce 
ies will be in a ball at the foot of his bed 


VOL. POWER 


Se 


Samantha (Kim Cattrall): Mixes business with 
pleasure by screwing customers at condo showings. 
Has voracious sexual appetite and a need to "go out 
and have sex like a man. 1 mean, without feeling.” 
Apparently she hasn't heard of the female condom. 


Elaine (Jane Krakowski): Sucks her boss’ tongue 
to demonstrate how to avoid too wet a kiss. Hires a 
male stripper for a company party. Uses cleavage-en- 
hancing tops to distract male co-workers, Refers to. 
herself as a "human window of opportunity.” 


Lexi (Jamie Luner) of Melrose Place: Has sex for money. Has 
sex for power, Has sex because it's Tuesday. Monica (Courteney 
Cox) of Friends. Got busted videotaping her sexcapades with 
Chandler. Admitted (albeit jokingly) to being a sex addict. Nina 
(Wendie Malick) of Just Shoot Me. Injured a guy by taking off 
her top. Jen (Michelle Williams) of Dawson's Creek. The bad 
girl-turned-good girl-turned-bad girl once told Dawson: “I 
know you're with Joey and I accept that. 1 just don't respect it. 
I don't mean this in a slutty, self-deprecating way, but ] want to 
let you know that you've got options. And Im one of them.” 


All hail The Simpsons! Sex between Marge and Homer 
makes that of their flesh-and-blood competition seem two-di- 
mensional. They have sex all over Springfield—inches from 
people in a parlor, outside on the lawn, in a hazard at the 
miniature-golf course and even in a hot-air balloon. The fol- 
lowing exchange says it best. Marge: “The fear of getting 
caught is kind of a turn-on!” Homer: "There's the dirty girl I 
married. Come on, I have a disgusting idea!” 


Dharma and Greg's term for self-gratification, often with a shower massager. 
When the girls on Sex and the City have to take away a friend's vibrator because 
she's getting too attached to it. 
с A voluntary vow of celibacy on Dharma and Greg. 
Ally McBeal lingo for someone who has indiscriminate sex. Dur favorite kind of benefactor. 
А man who has sex with gorgeous women to validate himself. Only on Sex and the City, on- 
ly in our dreams. 
Dawson's Creek may be new, but the kids have learned this old term for a girl who prefers 
guys with large penises. 
A penis. From the addictively clever Sex 
= and the City. 
A small penis. Dawson's Creek again. 
Masturbation. Unleashed humor from Dawson’s. 
A term for gay, from Sex. 
е А мау of keeping up with 
a trend without actually having to engage in sex. First described on 
Just Shoot Me. 


to laughs, Astroglide 
has replaced the ba- 
nana peel. 


В » Supermodels 
don't starve them- 
selves—they're 
man-eaters. 


l. You need cable TV 
to get anal sex. 


8. А man's stiffest 
competition is a wom- 
an's vibrator. 


J. Whacking off 
to Katie Couric is a 
common teenage 
experience. 


10. Women fuck and 
tell. Just like we do. 


PLAY BOY 


88 


RÉi3l/onsw ip (continued from page 78) 


The couple is not likely to last if disagreements sink 
to this knock-down-drag-out level. 


completely out of control. 

(6) 1 didn't exactly make my point in 
a detached, cvenhanded way. 

(7) When I got going, I brought up 
my partner's faults. 

(8) I resented having to bring up 
these issues in the first place. 

(9) I regret my tactless choice of 
words. 

(10) When I bring up a problem 1 
don't stop until my partner sees I'm 
right. 

(11) I used phrases like You always 
or You never. 

(12) As I complained, something un- 
locked an overwhelming tide of emo- 
tions in me. 

Yes answers to four or more of these 
questions suggest that the couple has 
fallen into an angry critical style. Cou- 
ples who habitually criticize cach other 
are likely to be preparing for the sec- 
ond horseman, a meaner, angrier ver- 
sion of the first. 

CONTEMPT 

Contempt is criticism run wild. Now 
the partners’ remarks are not only 
critical, but they are intended for in- 
sult and psychological abuse as well. 
“You're wrong” becomes “You're stu- 
pid.” Words such as fat, ugly, jerk, bas- 
tard, bitch and wimp are dramatized 
with angry body language and facial 
expressions, Name-cailing, hostile hu- 
mor and mockery are clear signals of 
contempt and convey a collapse of re- 
spect for the other: On bad days, even 
those in the best relationships can 
stoop to contempt, but the couple 
is not likely to last if disagreements 
sink to this knock-down-drag-out level 
too often. 

Think back to your most recent dust- 
up and agree or disagree with these 
statements: 

(1) During our tiff, 1 couldn't think 
of a single thing that I admire in my 
partner. 

(2) When I got upset I could see glar- 
ing faults in my partner's character. 

(3) 1 tried to point out how my part- 
ner was foolish in certain situations. 

(4) I found myself putting my part- 
ner down. 

(5) My partner can be incredibly ar- 
rogant at times. 

(6) When my partner got negative I 
found myself thinking of insulting 
things to say back 

(7) І had no respect for my partner's 
behavior. 


(8) When my partner is upset with 
me I think of all the ways I've been let 
down in the relationship. 

(9) I always feel a sense of righteous 
indignation when my partner gets 
negative. 

(10) When 1 get dumped-on 1 think 
of ways to get even. 

(11) I was disgusted with the way my 
partner acted. 

(12) My partner was too stubborn to 
compromise. 

(13) I felt that my partner was utter- 
ly stupid. 

If you agreed on five or more of 
these items, the second horseman is 
probably at work destroying the base- 
line respect that is the long-term glue 
їп any partnership. 


DEFENSIVENESS 


Most people defend themselves 
when attacked. Some react defensively 
to criticism or even simple complaints, 
but in the face of contempt it is near- 
ly reflexive. Nevertheless, defensive 
phrases and attitudes tend to escalate 
the conflict rather than resolve it. Most 
of us are not aware of how defensive we 
become when we are faced with criti- 
сїт or contempt, but there are several 
signs that mean we are reacting to the 
attack rather than listening to the is- 
sues at hand: 

* Denying responsibility. No matter 
what the charge, you insist you're not 
to blame. “I didn't take the clothes to 
the cleaners because you didn't leave 
them out.” 

* Making excuses. Forces beyond 
your contro] made you do it. “I was late 
because the freeway was jammed.” 

* Cross-complaining. Adding an un- 
related complaint or criticism to what- 
ever has been thrown at you. “The fact 
that we never have people over is not 
because I'm antisocial, it's because you 
never clean the damned house.” 

© Yes-butting. Insisting that you 
have a morally justifiable reason for 
doing what you are accused of. “1 may 
not be home for dinner as muchas you 
want, but if I don't work late we won't 
be able to pay the bills.” 

* Repeating yourself. Making the 
same point over and over despite what 
the other says, as if simple repeated de- 
nials of the issue will defuse it. “How 
many times do I have to say it? Golf 
four days a week is not too much. You 
have to play often to be any good.” 

* Body language. Physical signs of 


defensiveness include false smiles, roll- 
ing the eyes, pursing the lips, shifting 
the body from side to side and folding 
the arms across the chest. 

Think back to your last argument 
and agree or disagree with these 12 
statements: 

(1) When my partner complained, I 
felt unfairly picked on. 

(2) 1 didn't feel I got any credit for all 
the positive things I do. 

(3) I wasn't responsible in any way 
for what went wrong. 

(4) When my partner started com- 
plaining, I realized I also had a set of 
complaints that needed to be heard. 

(5) My partner's negativity became 
too intense and out of proportion. 

(6) My partner was too touchy and 
feelings were hurt too easily. 

(7) When my partner complained, I 
had no choice but to ward off the 
attacks. 

(8) I had to deny the complaints 
against me that were inaccurate. 

(9) My partner's views of the prob- 
lem were completely self-centered. 

(10) All my partner did was find fault 
with me. 

(11) I felt like I was being beaten 
with a baseball bat. 

(12) As my partner rattled on, I 
spent most of my time thinking of ways 
to retaliate. 

If you agreed on five or more items, 
defensiveness is probably standing in 
the way of your progress. 


STONEWALLING 


Stony silence is a powerful act. Re- 
moving yourself from the conversation 
conveys disapproval, distance and 
smugness. Stonewallers usually deliver 
their angry message in monosyllabic 
mutterings ("Yeah, right; Uh-huh, 
sure”), attempt to change the subject 
(“Yeah, I'm late. Got caught in traffic. 
What's for dinner?”) or by just leaving 
the room. What it says to the other is 
that the game is over; somebody just 
took the ball and went home. Interest- 
ingly, Gottman has found that 85 per- 
cent of stonewallers are men, and he 
thinks the reason may be biological. 
“Men tend to be more physiologically 
overwhelmed than women in moments 
of marital tension” he says. “Their 
pulse and blood pressure rise, which 
initiates a desire to get the hell out 
When he does, the woman is left with 
even greater anger and frustration. If 
either partner becomes a habitual 
stonewaller, the couple is most likely to 
end up apart or living lonely, parallel 
lives in the same house.” 

Remember your latest skirmish and 
agree or disagree with the following 
statements: 


(concluded on page 145) 


Rudy's Rules 


CAN RUDOLPH GIULIANI—NEW YORK'S PRO-CHOICE, ANTIGUN 
REPUBLICAN CRIME FIGHTER—SCOLD HIS WAY INTO THE WHITE HOUSE? 


orty years ago, 

Rudolph Giu- 

liani declared 
his intention to be the 
first Italian Catholic 
president of the Unit- 
ed States. If we have 
learned any lesson from 
his life since then, it is 
that it's dangerous to 
laugh at what he says. 
Now, just a year be- 
fore the 2000 primary 
New York's 
high-riding mayor is a 


season, 


frequently mentioned £ 
candidate for the Re- | 
publican nomination 
for the White House. 
It's easy to scoff. After 
all, he's pro-choice and 
favors gun control and 
homosexual rights—and he once married his second cousin. 
But Giuliani, whose ambition is as raw and unrelenting as 
the city he governs, has never bowed to conventional wis- 
dom. How else could a Republican rise to power in a city 
where Democrats rule by a five-to-one margin? And who 
would have thought that anyone could make Times Square 
a destination for families looking for good, clean fun? Part of 
the pleasure of watching Giuliani in action is wondering 
where his inner turmoil will send him next. He is a man to 
watch—and while you do, remember this: He knows how 
you should behave, and his ambition has always been to 
make people behave. To New Yorkers, Giuliani is Mother 
Superior with a nightstick, famous for his snarling tirades 
against beggars, cabdrivers and critics of his polices. On the 
road, he is the seductive Rudy Lite, charming unchallenging 
audiences with raspy-voiced mobster imitations (The God- 
father is his favorite film) and boasting about New York's 


economic revival, the 70 
percent decine in mur- 
ders and how The Lion 
King has replaced hook- 
ers and dope dealers as 
the main attraction on 
42nd Street. The story 
of New York's renais- 
sance has been suggest- 
ed in headlines such 
as AMERICA’S SAFEST CITY 
and COMEBACK CITY, and 
Giuliani is often hailed 
as a miracle worker. But 
New Yorkers see a city 
where, despite many 
improvements, life re- 
mains difficult for the 
poor and the middle 
class, with crumbling 
schools, filthy subways 
and sky-high rents. 
New Yorkers also see a mayor who believes that his way is the 
only way, who woos friends by making enemies, who once 
defined freedom as “the willingness of every single human 
being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion 
about what you do and how you do it.” In New York, lawful 
authority is otherwise known as Rudy's Rules. He is a man of 
many contradictions: a Republican who grew up worshiping 
the Kennedys, a scolding advocate of civility who delights in 
verbally bludgeoning foes, a self-professed reformer who 
pads the city's payroll with cronies and relatives, a self-pro- 
claimed antipolitician who has been stoking political dreams 
since high school, an often dour suit who never looked hap- 
pier than the night he dressed for a charity show as Marilyn 
Monroe, complete with blonde wig, tight dress and cigar. 
Giuliani has been remarkably consistent across his 54 years: 
smart, shrewd and ferociously devoted to his own rise. If 


that means betraying his political (continued on page 106) 


Playboy Profile By Paul Schwartzman 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOSEPH CIARDIELLO. 


INVESTING 
WITH 


miss march 
offers some attractive returns 


А cexanprta KARLSEN is used to the fast track. She grew up in Mesa, Arizona 
and started reading before she was four. At the age of 11 Lexie would devour 
a Stephen King novel in one sitting. At 15 she edited her school's newspaper 
and wrote columns for three local papers, and at 18 she earned a license to 
deal in mutual funds (that's her on the trading floor, above). She also found 
time to show off the other side of her beauty-and-brains equation, by sending 
her photos to PLAYBOY. Clearly, her stock is on the rise. 

Q: You've pursued a variety of career options in your 20 years. 

А: I know [laughs]. I get bored easily, so I do a lot of different things. That's 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG 


been for the best, though 1 have had 
some weird experiences. 

Q: Such as? 

A: I was stalked when I was 15, by 
total strangers. I once had a psycho 
boyfriend who chased me with a knife 
and got arrested. I moved out of my 
parents’ house when I was 15 and 
dropped out of high school in my se- 
nior year. I was already taking college 
courses, so I knew I'd be able to get in- 
to college. 

Q: In other words, you had a turbu- 
lent adolescence. 

A: Yeah, totally. Гуе had to work to 
keep my sense of humor, but now I can 
look back and laugh. Because 1 had so 
much craziness growing up, I like be- 
ing mellow. I have my dog and a good 
boyfriend, and we have a normal life. 

Q: So what's next? Modeling, writ- 
ing, finance? 

А: They're all options. I'm writing a 
lot of poetry and working on a novel. 
It's hard to write when you're traveling 
as much as 1 am. I need a laptop. 

Q: That would probably suit you bet- 
ter than an office job. 

A: Definitely. I want to go back to 
school to study finance, and I'd like to 
start trading over the Internet. That 
way 1 could both do my work and have 
a home life. 


“When 1 first tested for PLAYBOY, | was skin- 
ny,” says Lexie. So she went back to Ari- 
zona, gained ten pounds and jumped at 
the chance ta become a Playmate. "Why 
not?” she asks. “After all, I'm still young.” 


E] 
= 
= 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: Э 1e 

зит: 34 warst: 23 E 

HEIGHT: -S'Í" weicht: 

сатат SERIES PEDEM LE 


AMBITIONS :. 


e aluit a career and аашб $ being 
Lege with му Mese pah “ш i I 


cas. Мод Ste af Num, Kindness, ___ 


E ; i с Wunder si 
abs hr er 


BOOKS I LOVE: Ende ET > CC 
I'M BULLISH ON: ane 


Am alu. A. шу Mad, aud A Диа 


y t with Mom 4 we bete 1, m litte 
dif Caño] dag тере сеа of Ше td von 


Ае. 


y 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


The phone rang in the church office early one 
morning. "May I Ps to the head hog at the 
trough?" a man asked. 

“If you're referring to the preacher,” the 
startled secretary replied, "then you may refer 
to him as Pastor or Brother, but please don't 
call him the head hog at the trough!" 

"Well," the fellow said, “I was thinking of do- 
nating $100,000 to the building fund, but if 
you're not interested, ГЇЇ just ——" 

“Hang on," the secretary chirped, "I think 
the fat pig just walked in!" 


This MONTHS MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Hil- 
lary and Chelsea were having a mother- 
daughter talk during spring break. “So, you've 
been away at college for a while now," Hillary 
said. “Have you, um, well, had sex yet?” 

“Of course not!" Chelsea exclaimed. “At least 
not according to Dad.” 


А man was shipwrecked on a deserted island 
for ten lonely years. One day he spotted a ship 
on the horizon. He frantically waved his arms 
until he saw a rowboat making its way to shore. 
In it was a man in a captain's uniform. “Thank 
God!” the shipwrecked fellow rejoiced. “I 
thought I was never going to be rescued." 

“How long have you been here?” the captain 
asked as he waded ashore. 

“Ten years," the man replied. 

"How have you coped all that time on your 
own?" 

"Well, I'm quitea resourceful fellow. I built a 
house, learned to hunt and fish." 

"But ten years without sex?" the captain 
exclaimed. 

"Not completely,” the man replied sheepish- 
ly. "About six months ago I was down here on 
the shore when 1 noticed an ostrich up the 
beach with its head buried in the sand. I crept 
up behind it, and... .” 

“Oh, you poor man, that must have been 
horrible.” 

“Well, it was all right for the first five miles,” 
he replied, “but then we got out of step.” 


Fred and Jim were having a drink one night 
when Fred announced he was going to divorce 
his wife. “Are you serious?” Jim asked. “You 
and Sue are the happiest couple I know” 

“Well,” Fred replied, “I'm tired of poking 
the same hole night after night after night. Î 
guess I wanta bit of variety.” 

“If you want a bit of variety, why don't you 
just, you know, turn her over every now and 
again?” 

"What, and have a houseful of kids?" 


Р. лувоу ciassic: “Lad, look out there to the 
field. Do you see that fence? I built that fence 
stone by stone with my own two hands. But do 
they call me McGreggor, the fence builder?" 
The old man gestured at the bar. “Look at this 
bar. Do you see how smooth it is? I planed that. 
surface down with my own hands. But do they 
call me McGreggor, the bar builder?" Then 
the old man pointed out the window. “Lad- 
die, look out to sea. Do you see that pier that 
stretches out so far? I nailed it board by board. 
But do they call me McGreggor, the pier build- 
er?" The old man took a sip of whiskey. “No, 
they don't. But,” he continued, “you fuck one 
goat..." 


А man called his mother in Florida. "How are 
you doing, Mom?" he asked. 

“Not too good,” she replied. "I've been very 
weak." 

"Why arc you so weak?" 

“Because Í haven't eaten in 38 days." 

“For heaven's sake, Mother," he exclaimed. 
“Why not?” 

“Because,” she explained, “I didn't want my 
mouth to be full when you called.” 


The judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, 
and gave him a receipt. “What am I supposed 
to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver. 

“No, save it," replied the judge. “When you 
have three, you get a bicycle." 


Га like a pair of size eight tie shoes,” the fellow 
told the salesman. 

“But, sir, І can see from here you're at least a 
size 11.” 

“Just bring me size eight tie shoes.” 

The salesman brought the shoes. The guy 
stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in ob- 
vious pain. “I lost my business and my house,” 
he explained, "my wife is screwing my best 
friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son 
is gay. The only pleasure I have in life," he 
sighed, “is taking off these fucking shoes.” 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


One Pro " = E 


“C'mon, give her a break. What's she gonna do, 
kill vaudeville?” 


103 


What Have 
You Done For 
Us Lately? 


only a major league maverick could send a warning 


that the home run race was bad for baseball 


104 


TS TIME to put Mark McGwire and 
baseball up on the shelf next to 
Neil Armstrong and NASA. It's 
the same shelf that Orson Welles 
perched on after Citizen Kane, the 
one Robert Plant reached after 
Stairway to Heaven, the one Dustin Hoff- 
man was taking the bus to, with Katharine 
Ross at his side, at the end of The Graduate. 
It's the what-can-you-possibly-do-for-an- 
encore shelf. And, thanks to Mark Mc- 
Gwire and Sammy Sosa, it's the new home 
of Baseball 1999: the Season of the Home 
Run Hangover. 

The flaw in having McGwire hit 70 
homers last year, and Sosa hitting 66, 
probably dawned on Commissioner Bud 
Selig sometime after the winter winds of 
Milwaukee began to fog up his glasses. 
Baseball's marketing scheme since the 
early Nineties has centered on one idea: 
that the game would recapture the hearts 
and wallets of America when someone fi- 
nally challenged Roger Maris’ home run 
record. 

But under no circumstances was the 
damn fool supposed to break it! What's left 
for the scason after the monument falls? 
How do you sell the public on the pursuit 
of a one-year-old record? Do you expect 
people to believe that McGwire vill hit 75 
homers this year? And if he does, don't 
you think people will wonder if it's legit? 
Legendary tightwad Connie Mack once 
pulled back the veil far enough to reveal 


that he would rather have had his Phil- 
adelphia Athletics finish a strong second 
every year than to win the pennant, be- 
cause the fans would keep coming back 
for more, and he wouldn't have to raise 
his players’ salaries 

Fact is, the breathless television cover- 
age of the home run race climaxed the 
day McGwire hit his 62nd. As the statistics 
began to move up toward those of fast- 
pitch softball or the Longhorn League of 
1954, the questions began to crop up. Be- 
cause of interleague play and expansion, 
did McGwire and Sosa see a wider range 
of awful pitchers in one season than Babe 
Ruth saw in his lifetime? Didn't it mauer 
that from early on, McGwire was hitting in 
a vacuum? Unlike Maris in 1961, or Ruth 
in 1920, 1921 or 1927, the closest he got to 
a pennant race was watching highlights on 
television. For crying out loud, even Sosa's 
supposedly playoff-relevant season end- 
ed with his Cubs losing nine of their last 
12 games. 

Then there's the little matter of back- 
lash. Maris took a few healthy knocks in 
1961 from Ruth-friendly old-timers. But 
his real troubles didn't begin until the 
spring of 1962, when he snubbed a group 
of powerful New York sportswriters who 
proceeded to paint him as the undeserv- 
ing ingrate incarnate. Marisalso made the 
mistake of hitting “only” 33 homers the 
year after. The tear-him-down process 
kicked into high (continued on page 148) 


article By Keith Olbermann 


ALUSTIATION BY MIKE BENNY 


PLAYBOY 


Rudolph Giuliani 


(continued from page 89) 


His wife's testimonials ended amid reports of an af- 
fair with his 32-year-old press secretary. 


party, so be it, as he did when he en- 
dorsed New York Governor Mario Cuo- 
mo for reelection in 1994 over his own 
party’s nominee, George Pataki. If that 
means trashing someone who does not 
agree with him, so much the better. 
When General Barry McCaffrey, Clin- 
ton's drug czar, questioned Giuliani's 
opposition to using methadone to treat 
heroin addicts, the mayor called the 
war hero “a disaster.” 

More than anything, Giuliani thrives 
on conflict, on the opportunity to lay 
an opponent flat. Enemies give him 
a purpose, a reason to stand apart, 
whether they were the booze-happy 
fraternity brothers he rebuked in col- 
lege, or the mobsters he busted as a 
federal prosecutor, or the rhythms, tra- 
ditions and pathologies of the city he 
has lorded over since 1994. 

Giuliani is a ubiquitous presence in 
New York, bouncing from one press 
conference to the next, from fires to 
cop shootings to ribbon cuttings, while 
the city's four newspapers and sev- 
en TV stations inhale his every word. 
Hardly a news cycle passes without the 
mayor hailing himself for, say, the re- 
duction in crime ("You don't have con- 
ditions of safety like that anywhere in 
America"). bureaucratic reform ("New 
York City has shrunk its government 
sooner and faster than anyplace in the 
country") or his administrative prowess 
(‘I'm hoping to set a record for having 
performed more weddings as mayor of 
New York City than any other mayor"). 

At monthly town hall meetings, New 
Yorkers rail at him about everything. 
from slow bus service to welfare cuts. 
"When students read history books 20 
and 30 ycars from now, they're going 
to say I took a city of dependency and 
made it into a city of workers" he 
shouts at a crowd in Brooklyn, sweat 
brimming beneath his comb-over. 

When he's booed, Giuliani lectures 
audiences for their poor manners. 
Such outbursts set a “terrible example” 
for children, he says, his tremulous 
voice touched by a faint lisp. Touchy? 
He ordered city buses to stop display- 
ing a playful New York magazine ad that 
read: "Possibly the only good thing in 
New York Rudy hasn't taken credit for." 

Giuliani is so intent on being the on- 
ly voice of his administration that he 
bars aides from speaking publicly with- 
out his permission. Nor are they en- 
couraged to question his directives, 
even privately, even for no other pur- 


pose than to prepare him, say, for a 
press conference. 

In 1994 the newly elected Giuliani 
appointed William Bratton as police 
commissioner. Crime had already be- 
gun to decline in New York, but the im- 
provement accelerated and became big 
news. Bratton enjoyed good press, in 
part because he often dropped in at 
Elaine's, the media watering hole, for a 
late supper. Soon enough, newspapers 
reported that the two men were feud- 
ing and that Giuliani was angry that 
Bratton was getting credit for the more 
cheerful crime statistics. In January 
1996 Bratton appeared on the cover of 
Time magazine, a development that re- 
portedly enraged the jealous Giuliani 
A few months later Bratton resigned 
"It's a big stage, but he doesn't want 
anyone else on it,” Bratton says. “One 
person is coming out for the curtain 
call, and that’s Rudy.” 

When he was mayor, Ed Koch glec- 
fully reduced foes to pulp. but the city's 
Teputation for raucous debate thrived. 
Koch praises the mayor for slashing 
crime, but he says Giuliani's venom 
keeps him from greatness. “He can't 
help himself,” Koch says. “Character is 
fate, and Rudy’s character requires 
that he go for the jugular and destroy 
his critics.” 

Giuliani seems to enjoy his role as 
Goliath. He slapped taxi drivers with 
new rules and stiffer penalties for reck- 
less driving, erected pedestrian barri- 
cades in midtown to prevent jaywalk- 
ing (a New York rite of passage) and 
rewrote zoning laws to push topless 
bars and X-rated video stores into des- 
olate neighborhoods. At one point or 
another, he seems to have enraged ev- 
ery part of the city—except the very 
rich and powerful. 

Corporations such as Condé Nast 
and Reuters, for example, were tempt- 
ed with millions in tax benefits to not 
leave town. When George Steinbren- 
ner threatened to pull the Yankees out 
of the Bronx, Giuliani offered to build 
a new stadium in Manhattan, then 
fought to quash a referendum in which 
New Yorkers would vote their prefer- 
ence on where the team would play. 

“I don't see him taking on anyone 
but weak people,” said writer Jimmy 
Breslin, “He takes on small things and 
says they re big things. Has he ever had 
a mean word for Steinbrenner? No! 
He's a mean little man. 

Giuliani relied on his wife, Donna 


Hanover, a local TV news anchor, to 
swear to his humanity. But Hanover's 
testimonials ended during his first 
term amid reports he was having an 
affair with Cristyne Lategano, his 32- 
year-old press secretary. For months 
the mayor’s sex life was the subject of 
gossip within New York political cir- 
cles, but did not become public until 
the 1997 campaign, when an article in 
Vanity Fair reported that his relation- 
ship with Lategano was damaging his 
marriage. 

Giuliani denied the story and insist- 
ed that his marriage was his own busi- 
ness. Voters apparently agreed, and 
Giuliani's private life remains a puzzle 
that would no doubt prompt questions 
in a national campaign. 

These days, Giuliani attempts to soft- 
en his image by talking about his golf 
game, gushing over the Yankccs and 
reading children’s books to kids (he 
even had a kid's book ghostwritten un- 
der his name). 

Inevitably, the scowl returns. Last 
summer, New Yorkers learned that 
Giuliani was planning to build a $15 
million emergency shelter—Rudy's 
Bunker, the newspapers called it—that 
would feature bombproof walls, a hot- 
line to the White House and a foldout 
couch for the mayor. One critic said the 
bunker represented Giuliani's hopes, 
not his fears. “Nuts,” Koch called him, 
while a newspaper cartoonist drew Eva 
Braun flashing Rudy a sieg heil. 

He makes no apologies. “Everything 
good has come out of turmoil,” Giu- 
liani likes to say. “I'm the mayor of a 
city, not, like, a feel-good society.” 


One morning last July, a senior advi- 
sor to Giuliani saw the mayor eyeing 
him from a ballroom stage where he 
was about to make a speech. “Get away, 
he’s looking at us,” the aide mumbled 
to this writer. “If he sees me talking to 
you, he'll fire me.” 

Giuliani, who declined to be inter- 
viewed for this article, has always been 
guarded about discussing himself. He 
demands the same secrecy from his 
inner circle, a white male-dominated 
band of former prosecutors, campaign 
aides and childhood friends. Even 
those who wanted to praise him de- 
clined to talk on the record for fear of 
incurring his wrath. 

Giuliani inherited his swagger and 
bombast from his father, Harold, a 
Brooklyn tavern owner who was not 
afraid to use a baseball bat to keep row- 
dy customers in line. 

In Dodgers-crazed Brooklyn, where 
the family lived before moving to Long 
Island, Harold raved about the Yan- 
kees and enjoyed dressing young Rudy 

(continued on page 150) 


“We're ready for your close-up now, Miss Windham. . . ." 


107 


108 


in the early Eighties is prehistoric compared with the home recording 
gear available today. “It's like comparing the Niña, Pinta and Santa 
María with the space shuttle,” says PLAYBOY music critic Dave Marsh. 
Of course, the concept of home studios isn't new; Marsh cites Les Paul, 


Pete Townshend, Todd Rundgren and Prince as pioneers. But thanks to 
digitally driven hardware and prices that аге falling faster than Hootie on 
the charts, even starving artists are exploring do-it-yourself territory. Folk- 


Ithough the tale of Bruce Springsteen recording Nebraska in his bed- 
room is legend among musicians, the four-track technology he used 


punk princess Ani DiFranco is probably the biggest DIY success story, hav- 
ing made a mint producing her own music for the past eight years—and 

snagging a Rolling Stone cover in the process. On a smaller scale, Preston 

Klik, leader of My Scarlet Life, has cut five CDs from the studio he assem- 

bled in the bedroom of his Chicago loft. The band (think Garbage meets 

Portishead) took a traditional route with its first CD, renting a small studio 

and working with an industry friend who cut them a lot of slack. “But we 

still spent more money than we could possibly recoup,” admits Klik. So, 

he did what any inspired musician in the Nineties would do, 
break out the plastic. “I wouldn't have been selling records 
for the past six years if I hadn't done it,” he says. Indeed, 
making the investment—even with ridiculous interest 
rates—can be both economical and smart for fledgling 
bands. For the same $5000 to $15,000 you'd spend on 
studio time to cut a 60-minute CD, you can buy your 
setup and produce multiple discs, à la My Scarlet 
Life. There’s also the creative advantage of being on 
your own clock. If you're inspired at three in the 
morning, you can power up your equipment and 
lay down a track. “You have to think and listen 
differently,” says Klik. “I'm a musician, but own- 
ing gear means I've had to become an engineer 
and develop an objective ear for my own mu- 
sic.” To shorten the learning curve, Klik rec- 
ommends that prospective DIYers pick up 
Golden Ears, a five-CD course on how to 
hear music. “And read everything you can 
get your hands on.” Magazines such as Re- 
cording and Electronic Musician not only 
offer tips on buying and operating the 
latest hardware but often share the 
production techniques and tricks be- 
hind Billboard's latest hits as well. 
Most important, be prepared to go 
on the road. Most do-it-yourself 
bands sell the bulk of their CD in- 
ventories at live performances. 
“We get in our vans and drive 

from one gig to the next to build 

our fan base and sell our music,” says 

Klik. And consider the Internet. Unsigned 
bands can sell self-produced CDs from their home 
pages; they don't need a record label or a music super- 
store. In fact, given the low overhead of DIY artists, and the Net's 
growth, Marsh predicts a future in which David Geffen is replaced on 
the Forbes 400 list “by someone who actually knows how to make music.” 


BY BETH TOMKIW 


DO-IT- 
YOURSELF 


Our roundup of DIY geor (most of it courtesy of Guitar Center in Chicogo) includes 
on Ensoniq ZR.76 keyboord ($2800) ond the Sennheiser Digitol Compotible heod- 


STUDIO Phones ao ico 
tured opposite (clockwise from top lefi): Apple's Mocintosh Powerbook СЗ 300DVD 
TENS [Eft ed computer ($4400) is where postproduction hoppens. The 300-MHz speed demon 
with 164 megs of RAM ond on sight-gig hord drive is running Cokewalk's Metro 4 
BOSS music-mixing softwore ($200). Stocked next to the Moc (top to bottom) ore Yo- 


moho's rewritoble CD recorder (obout $600), TC Electronic's Finolizer Plus mas- 
fering tool ($2900) ond D8X' 586 Tube Mic preomp ($1000). Up front: Mockie's 
WANNABES mixer ($600) and Shure's new KSM32 cardicid condenser microphone ($1030). 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 158, 


Gerry Adams 


PLAYBOYS 


200 


ireland’s new voice for peace on the nobel prize, 
meeting yasir arafat and the need for jokes 


W e first talked to Sinn Féin's presi- 

dent Gerry Adams a decade ago. 
Northern Ireland was then a battle zone in a 
war that had waged for nearly 1000 years to 
decide who would rule all of Ireland. The 
British who had once dominated had. seen 
their control reduced to the province of Ulster. 
And for the past 30 years the tenacious Irish 
Republican Army has tried desperately to 
drive them out of this last bastion of the. 
empire. 

Gerry Adams emerged as leader of Sinn 
Féin, the political wing of the IRA, in the 
late Seventies. He was described by the Brit- 
ish as a murderous thug, and a front man 
for terrorists. He was arrested and convicted 
of terrorist activities without benefit of trial, 
and served four and a half years in the no- 
torious Long Kesh prison. He was shot and 
nearly killed by pro-British supporters on the 
steps of the Belfast Court House. Adams was 
so feared and despised by the British that 
the government had banned his voice from 
British television and radio, insisting that it 
be dubbed over during all newscasts. 

PLAYBOY, too, ran afoul of British censor- 
ship and Prime Minister Margaret Thatch- 
er in our first interview with Adams. All 
copies of PLAYBOY exported to the British 
Isles were seized and held until three pag- 
es of the interview with Adams, Sinn Féin 
press secretary Danny Morrison and an ac- 
tive-duty IRA Provo were torn out. After a 
protracted court fight, PLAYBOY, under 
strenuous protest, allowed the offending 
pages to be removed. Our correspondent 
Morgan Strong, who conducted the inter- 
view (and this one as well), was subject to 
arrest for violating antiterrorist laus, should 
he ever return to Britain. 

But times have changed. Adams, once de- 
nied entry to the U.S., has been a guest of 
President Clinton at ihe White House. He 
has been elected to the British Parliament 
but refuses to take an oath of allegiance to 
the Queen, and he has met with his former 
enemies to begin the painful process of peace 
talks. He was rumored to have been nomi- 
nated for the Nobel Peace Prize. But Ad- 
ams’ archenemy, the Ulster Unionist leader 


PHOTOGRAPHY By DANIEL SIMON 


David Trimble, got it instead. All in all, 
things are looking up for Northern Ireland, 
Adams and the hoped-for peace. 

But only days after the interview was con- 
ducted in Belfast, one of the worst terrorist 
attacks in the history of the conflict took 
place in the town of Omagh, west of Belfast. 
Twenty-eight people were killed and more 
than 200 were injured in a car-bomb attack 
in the village marketplace. We arranged an- 
other interview with Adams to discuss the 
aftermath. 


1 


PLAYBOY: The “troubles,” as they are re- 
ferred to in Ireland, have gone on for 
nearly a thousand years. Are you any 
doser to peace? 

ADAMS: It is my conviction that we are 
going to get peace from the talks. I stay 
very conscious of the fact that we are 
going to have reversals and ups and 
downs, but we will get there. I think all 
the difficulties are part of the terrain 
we have to cover. But we haven't got a 
peace settlement yet. 


2 


PLAYBOY: The process is agonizingly 
slow. David Trimble, your opposite in 
the peace talks and the leader of the 
pro-British Ulster Unionists, refused to 
speak with you. Then there was the ter- 
rible tragedy of Omagh. Why does it 
require more slaughter, in a place infa- 
mous for slaughter of innocents, to get 
you together? 

ADAMS: Trimble wouldn't speak to me, 
even to say hello. Until Omagh. The 
smart thing would have been to get be- 
hind the peace process, to consolidate 
the pro-peace vote within his party ear- 
lier. I mean, President Clinton said on 
St. Patrick's Day that it is not a conces- 
sion to be civil to your enemy. 

We should have been talking a long 
time ago. It should not have taken an- 
other incident. You really have to put 
that question to Trimble. But I think 


the reason he finally agreed to talk with 
me had to do with the number of civil- 
ians killed. And also because it hap- 
pened at a time when there was a clear 
alternative to move forward—an alter- 
native that the majority of people in 
Ireland support. 


3) 


PLAYBOY: Have Trimble and the pro- 
British Unionists become any more 
flexible because of this? 

ADAMS: 1 think everything is relative. 
The answer to your question is no. He 
remains dogged in his refusal to fulfill 
his commitments under the Good Fri- 
day agreement. It is positive that we 
are mecting and listening to each oth 
er, and that we are being exposed to 
each other's views. Though the discus- 
sions have so far not resolved the mat- 
ters troubling the peace process, the 
discussions themselves are valuable. 
But we have not made progress on a 
number of critical issues. 


4 


PLAYBOY: Why is Trimble choosing to 
obstruct the peace process? 

ADAMS: The Unionists are dictating the 
pace, and they want the pace to be very 
slow. When we got to close quarters 
with the British establishment, the peo- 
ple who have been running this place, 
I said that it was going to be a grudge 
match. And that's what it is every single 
day—a continuous battle, because they 
are against change. They can obstruct 
and delay all the things they fear: polit- 
ical and cultural rights for the Irish 
here. They see it as a fight to the death, 
a fight to remain the privileged class. 
We have to be determined in our just 
and reasonable demands. 


5 


PLAYBOY: World opinion seems to sup- 
port the peace process and some form 
of equity for (continued on page 120) 


111 


FOR A GUY WHO 
ONCE WAS HAPPY ON 
$14,000 A YEAR, 
MTV'S ANCHOR DUDE 
KNOWS WHEN TO 


DRESS IT UP 


FASHION BY 
HOLLIS WAYNE 


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114 


“Part of me died with old Charley. But fortunately old Charley's favorite 
part of me is still alive and ticking." 


PLAYBDY MUSIB 1999 


TEE ABSOLUTE POWER OF 
LAGEN XXXX X. 


the leader of hip-hop’s new school is a hot teacher 


by Kevin Powell 


ism—make her album stand out. When I 
spoke with Hill a few months ago she told 
me, "I'm not embarrassed to expose myself 
in the sense that I’m human. I make mis- 
takes and bad judgments and I've had my 
heart broken. I’m also not embarrassed to 
tell someone how happy I was when I had 
my first child or how conflicted I was. Or 
how much I love God. I don't feel like I 
have to put up a front to the people who 
want to hear my music. I don't want to 
write about things that separate me 
from the audience." 
My time with her was more proof that 
her allure is rooted in reality. Lauryn be- 
gan her day at the house she bought her 
parents in northern New Jersey. (Her dad is 
a computer consultant, her mom a teacher.) 
She was accompanied by Rohan Marley—fa- 
ther of her two children, son of Bob Marley 
and former star linebacker for the Universi- 
1y of Miami. Their charisma was apparent 
at once. Their humility and ease was re- 
markably refreshing. In an era loaded 
with sex, hustle and self-aggrandize- 


orgive us, Father, for we 
men know not what we 
do when Lauryn Hill 


jumps on the scene. Yes, Lord, she is 
that fine. I can swear that it's the 

№ same in person as it is on video: Lau- 
туп Hill gives great face. Her dark, al- 
mond-shaped eyes are beyond seduc- 
tive. Her lips, when slightly pursed, seem 
capable of mouthing anything you are ca- 
1 pable of imagining. And her muscular 

| legs—like those of an Alvin Ailey dancer— 


belie the limits of her petite frame. She is 
the queen of her hill. 
"I could wear a full scuba suit, snorkel 
i anda hat and the guys would still be like, 
£ "Yo, she's fly," Lauryn told a British publica- 
tion a while back, and, yeah, it's real like 
that. But what makes Lauryn Hill even 
more incredible is that she is also a 23- 
year-old musical genius. 
Her multiplatinum solo effort, The 
є? Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, is easily 
aa one of the finest albums of the 
* Nineties. A mixture of hip-hop, 


ч R&B, classic soul and gospel, ment, Lauryn Hill is a dream girl next 
s Miseducation is certain to garner door. She's the ponytailed neighbor 

? plenty of Grammys this season. Å you always knew was going to go 
31. With a title that evokes Carter À somewhere. 


Woodson's landmark book The 
Miseducation of the Negro, the record, 
as Hill likes to say, doesn't have "a 


For Miseducation Lauryn spliced 
together life experiences. She 
grew up in a suburb of Newark, 


\ 
\ү materialistic approach to music.” New Jersey In an early die: ` 
А, Which means Hill didn't seule play of talent, she appeared | 
у for predictable hip-hop and as a child singer at the 
4 R&B cliches: the sampling of Apollo Theater. As a 
an entire song, the overdone teenager, she acted 
> sappy love ballads, the opposite Whoopi 
(e obligatory use of tried- Goldberg in Sister 
a and-true producers. In y „ Act 2. She was a 
lal fact, the subject matters > year into col- 
3 of her songs—the dis- - lege at Co- 
2 j appearance of love, lumbia 
the lack of commu- (con- 
4 nity and the states _ cluded on 
* of racism and sex- e m page 142) 


BUT THEYRE TRYING 


how record companies, radio stations, music videos and 
retail outlets keep you from the music you love 


Y wenty-five years from now, who will be in- 
ducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of 
Fame? Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen 
and Billy Joel, the 1999 inductecs, built their ca- 
reers over missteps and time. Paul McCartney be- 
came a star in a band whose first several releases 
failed in North America. Today, the Beatles would 
not be able to buy an American record contract. 
Springsteen's first two albums flopped, with sales 
of less than 200,000 between them. Then he re- 
fused his record company's demand to go to 
Nashville and record with a different band. These 
days, that would sink him for being a prima don- 
na. After his first album, Joel went to California to 
play piano in a cocktail lounge. He managed to 
find another record contract a year later. Today, 
he'd be marked “No Sales." Those were hardly 
glory days, but at least the music business of the 
Sixties and Seventies paid more than lip service to 
the idea that talent takes develop- 
ment. Today, the music industry Y 
snatches artists as young as 14 or 
15, has them generate a hit or 
two, then tosses them aside when 
their sales falter. Who needs to 
foster a bunch of superstars who 
get paid for their work and of- 
ten take their time making 
it? And who knows how 
to sell a performer 
without teen appeal 
anyhow? 

Changes are 
coming. Internet 


delivery systems such as MP3 files make it possi- 
ble for musicians to market their work without any 
record label distribution. Devices that allow you to 
download CD-quality music off the Internet al- 
ready exist; they're portable and not terribly ex- 
pensive. When these devices become common- 
place, you can bid most of the $12 billion music 
industry—retailers, distributors, underassistant 
West Coast promotion men and their bosses in ex- 
ecutive suites—a sweet goodbye. 

“Record companies as we know them will soon 
be gone,” Keith Richards said recently. “There are 
too many other ways to distribute music, and once 
those are established there will be no place for 
record companies and their pigeonholes. They 
can take that as a threat if they like. It will be a 
big change. But as an artist I love change. Who 

needs 'em?" 
Radio, once the voice of a cul- 
ture (if nota com- 
munity), is 
now a 


jumble of sounds tailored 
to specific demographics. 
Listenership is at a 15-year low. Record 
stores offer a dark circle of marketing hell, 
where a bewildering array of choices is 
presided over by a sales force that knows noth- 
ing about music. At MTV, one-hit wonders are se- 
lected, hailed and forgotten as teen appeal takes its 
predictable toll in turnover. Switch to УНІ, and 


ana bad to 


Celine-Shania—Mariah will numb 
you. Concerts have become little 
more than lighting effects and gim- 
micks—the foreplay of marketers 
who want us to go directly to the 
‘T-shirts, hats and jackets at conces- 
sion stands. 

All this amounts to the homicide of 
popular music. With the exception 
of hip-hop—whose demise has been 
predicted as often and as futilely as 
rock and roll's ever was—Billboard's 
album sales charts look the way they 
did four decades ago, before Elvis. 
Veteran rockers show up. 
once in a while, along 
with an insurgent band 
here and a clever solo 
performer there. But 
their tenure is as brief 
as the one-hit wonders, 
only sadder. 

“We have cannibalized 
ourselves,” says Kenny La- 
guna, a veteran songwriter, 
producer and artist-manager 
who's now head: of Blackheart Rec- 
ords. “When I felt awareness of in- 
dustry or cultural doldrums before, 
I could always prognosticate the so- 
lution,” says Atlantic Records execu- 
tive Tim Sommer, who signed on 
Hootie and the Blowfish, among 
others. “Nirvana had to happen af- 
ter the Eighties, and most of us saw it 
coming. But I have no idea what's 
going to save rock and roll now.” 

The recent crisis among the big 
five record companies supposedly 
stemmed from dubious investments 
in talent. That crisis has ebbed, but 
hasn't disappeared. Focusing on just 
the problems of the five (recently 
six) — Sony, Seagram, Time Warner, 
BMG and EMI—docesn't tell the tale. 
Despite a huge increase in the num- 
ber of albums released during the 
past four years, sales are stagnant. 
Without the impetus of CDs, which 
in the late Eighties and early Nine- 
Чез prompted boomers to repur- 
chase entire Sixties and Seventies 
collections, sales might have been. 
flat for longer than that. Debt affects. 


ppen after the 


ighties. Bu 
rock and roll now" 


the decision-making process at each. 
stage. Over Һе past decade, the ma- 
jer record labels have bought up. 
most of the smaller labels, often 
overpaying for elusive market share: 
Virgin Records, whose artist roster 
consisted of Janet Jackson, the Roll- 
ing Stones and not much else, went 
for $1 billion dollars. 

Now the big labels have begun to 
eat one another: The $10 billion 
Purchase of Polygram by MGA/Sca- 


a 


gram's won't be the last such deal. 
Mergers and acquisitions siphon off 
money that once was used to pro- 
mote, market and otherwise support 
developing talent. Since the deals 
are fueled by borrowed money, 
there’s intense pressure for quick re- 
sults. The labels don't have time to 
work a new artist for two or three 
records before bringing home a big, 
long-lasting score. They don't even 
have time to work on new superstar 
releases for more than a couple of 
weeks: If a superstar's music meets 
resistance from radio programmers, 
you can kiss that album’s commercial 
prospects goodbye. even if the mak- 
er received an advance that would 
make Michael Jordan blush. 

Radio programmers are under 
the same pressure. Records used to 
be played because relatively inde- 
pendent disc jockeys and radio sta- 
tions were swayed by a combination 


1 have no idea whats g 


of promo man sweet talk, listener re- 

sponse and outright payola. But a 

wave of mergers spurred by changes 

in FCC rules about station owner- 

ship means that in any given city 

there may be 20 radio stations but 

only two or three owners. The own- 

er in Boston either tells the stations 

in Tulsa and Tacoma what to play, or 

tells them to stop playing music al- 

together to avoid competing with 

more profitable stations elsewhere. 

Although playing records may be the 

cheapest way to program a sta- 

tion and may create a her- 

itage of listeners, music 

may not be the most 

immediately profitable 

format. The Wall Street 

Journal reports that 

some FM stations are 

leaving music for the 

kind of talk that now 

— dominate AM. Talkers 

who play any music at all 

have power. “In the Sixties, to 

break an artist, you knew what you 

had to do,” says Universal executive 

Steve Leeds, whose music creden- 

tials go back to Murray the K- “You 

went to Ed Sullivan. Today, the only 

thing that approaches Ed Sullivan is 

Howard Stern.” On his daily show 

each week, Stern plays about as 
much musicas Sullivan did. 

"Texas venture capitalist Tom 
Hicks wields even more clout than 
Stern. He has exploited the govern- 
ment's new ownership laws to gener- 
ate more profit than ever from the 
broadcasting license. His Chancellor 
Media Corp. is a network that rules 
markets across the country. 

Stations used to battle one another 
to capture audiences, wrestling over 
exclusive releases and artist inter- 
views. Segmenting, however, is the 
rule today. Audiences are narrowly 
defined by gender or age, and the 
playlists reflect this niche marketing. 
With playlists so refined, Chancellor 
and CBS make sure that those who 
don't want all Alanis all the time or 
the Titanic theme in titanic doses will 


PLAYBOY 


118 


stay away in droves. Hip-hop, which 
tends to draw diverse listeners—most 
of whom don't have money to spend on 
sports cars—is anathema to this kind of 
radio. As a result, fewer bands and 
singers and fewer kinds of music are 
heard. 

In the unlikely event that a record 
gets made and played, there are fewer 
places that sell it. The country has on- 
ly three specialty music chains, and 1 
think chances are good that two of the 
three superstore multimedia chains— 
Tower, HMV, Virgin—won't make it far 
into the 21st century. Unable to match 
Best Buy's loss-leader price strategy, 
most mom-and-pop record stores that 
traditionally served small communities 
and special markets, have been driven 
out of business. But despite the deck 
being stacked in their favor with lower 
prices for volume purchases and ad- 
vertising supplements from the labels, 
many chains have gone bankrupt, too. 
Back in the day, artists got around lack 
of record company support and radio 
airplay by hitting the road. But a dozen 
or more of the country's top concert- 
promoting firms, including Bill Gra- 
ham Presents in San Francisco and 
Don Law Co. in Boston, have been 
merged into a single company, SFX. To 
control the nation's important sum- 
mertime markets, SFX has to use its re- 
maining cash to buy exclusive rights to 
superstar tours—guaranteed sellouts 
such as Jimmy Buffett or the Rolling 
Stones. What that means is ever higher 
ticket prices and fewer opportunities 
for midlevel and baby bands. 

“In the good old days, I didn't need 
MTV or contemporary-hit radio. All I 
needed was a great performing act," 
says legendary booking agent Frank 
Barsalona, whose Premier Talent 
Agency virtually invented the live rock 
business, building superstars such as 
the Who, Van Halen and U2. “Today 
you can have a great performing act, 
but it doesn’t mean a thing if you 
haven't got MTV and contemporary- 
hit radio. And there are 14 levels to go 
through before you get on the radio." 

In the past, acts released albums in 
coordination with extensive concert 
tours; radio stations focused on al- 
bums, not just hits; and bands sold mil- 
lions in specialty stores before the 
chains ever became aware of them. 
When acts such as Springsteen or Rod 
Stewart then caught on over top 40 ra- 
dio and at Kmart—usually three to five 
albums into their careers—superstars 
were born. Steady touring and the de- 
velopment of recording skills also 
meant the performers had achieved an 
artistic identity and a marketable im- 
age that gave them a chance to last. 

Now the pace has quickened, so mu- 
sicians looking for a big score have to 


make it fast or not at all. One reason is 
music video. Each video costs in the 
neighborhood of $250,000 to produce. 
Pop music's tremendous profitability 
stems in part from how cheap it is to 
make a hit. A typical superstar album 
costs, in actual production, perhaps 
half of what it costs to make a video for 
just one of its tracks. Video sucks up. 
the money that once went for tour sup- 
port, which helped an act develop a 
sustaining presence. Almost always, the 
artist goes in debt to the record com- 
pany for the costs of video and pro- 
motion. That money gets paid back out 
of record royalties. (PM. Dawn's first 
album sold more than 500,000 cop- 
ies without earning any royalties.) Acts 
that depend on video appeal have a 
short half-life: Try to name a promi- 
nent MTV performer from five or six 
years ago who's still around. 

Big record companies need to do 
tonnage, which usually means selling 
immediate hits to young people. A 
band such as R.E.M. needs marketing 
and promotional attention over a lon- 
ger period to find the bulk of its audi- 
ence. Almost every performer who has 
hada long career is in bad shape com- 
mercially. One record executive told 
me his company did a study of all the 
bidding-war acts—that is, the veteran 
performers who finished their con- 
tracts and went shopping for new ones. 
All of them, he claimed, had lost mon- 
ey. So why do labels keep making those 
deals? Record companies want R.E.M. 
or U2 on their rosters to help attract 
younger bands. U2's 1997 album Pop 
flopped about as badly as a superstar 
album can—because the industry was 
expecting big sales—which means it 
sold over 5 million copies worldwide 
but not enough to earn back advances. 
Nevertheless, late last year, U2 signed 
a new contract for a $50 million guar- 
antee with Polygram that apparently 
didn't want to look vulnerable on the 
verge of its purchase by Seagram. In 
1996, R.E.M. signed an $80 million 
contract with Warner Bros. and then 
watched each of its next two albums 
sell half of what its previous one had. 
This kind of story can be repeated with 
Bruce Springsteen, David Bowie, the 
Rolling Stones or George Michael. 

It's possible that this is artist-driven. 
Maybe we're just waiting until the next 
Beatles or Elvis Presley or Louis Arm- 
strong comes along. But it's been a 
long time since such a galvanizing artist 
has appeared. Kurt Cobain has been 
dead five years 

And then there's the possibility that 
the next big thing has already given up. 
The savior we crave has either gotten 
lost in the jumble of music industry pol- 
itics, or has decided to keep the day job 
and just go on making music for neigh- 


bors and whoever finds the Web site. 

The exception among the superstar 
deals is Madonna. Since re-signing 
with Warner Bros. several years ago for 
a reported $30 million to $40 million, 
she has managed to keep her sales 
high. More important, she has devel- 
oped her Maverick label into a vehicle 
for new acts such as Alanis Morissette, 
Candlebox and Prodigy. 

Morissette is an interesting test case 
for whether a long-lived contemporary 
star is still possible. Jagged Little Pill, her 
debut album, sold more than 16 mil- 
lion copies. She has made some of the 
more notable videos in recent MTV 
history. She also toured extensively, ex- 
panding her audience beyond her ini- 
tial teen base. Maybe executives vill re- 
member that there is something better 
than an instant hit. 

There are other exceptions. Pearl 
Jam spit the bit on superstardom, can- 
celed tours, refused to make videos 
and then went back to playing live and 
recording on a smaller scale. They're 
süll a platinum act, but they've built 
something that may last for the long 
haul. Prince declared that his deal with 
Warner Bros. was slavery, then turned 
his back on big labels altogether and 
started independently marketing his 
albums—with a focus on the Internet. 
Phish, Dave Matthews, Korn and Ani 
DiFranco have all prospered vith a de- 
centralized approach that emphasizes 
live shows and generally ignores radio 
play. These acts, and musicians such as 
Bob Dylan and Neil Young, work stead- 
ily and hard and release records often 
enough to keep their names out there. 
Record companies are well aware of 
the alternatives. "If you play the game, 
the machine will chew you up, burn 
you and spit you out," says Universal's 
Leeds. "Or you can just chug along 
and have a long career, but never have 
that huge success. It's going to be hard 
to find superstars with careers that 
span decades.” 

Record companies regard the Inter- 
net with a mixture of worship and fear. 
Its promise is prerecorded music deliv- 
ery without the expense of warehous- 
ing, shipping and sacrificing half the 
money to retailers. Its threat is to make 
music just another kind of information 
swap. The biz has been a lot more ag- 
gressive in defending its current turf. 
than in pursuing Internet opportu- 
nities. Palm-sized devices for playing 
music that download wherever you go. 
not just at your computer station, are 
already on the market. There is no his- 
tory of the courts preventing such a 
technology from reaching consumers— 
influential movie companies couldn't 
stop the VCR. 

"Thousands of Web sites offer MP3s, 

(concluded on page 159) 


1 BEAST UE: 
the annals of three pretty-fl 


by Charles M. Young: 


not looking like a punk. And if 


ver the years, a lot of 
were an NYU student who dar: 


musicians have iden- 
tified themselves as 
boys: Beach Boys. Boyz II Men. Boy 
George. But only Adam Horovitz, 
' aT Mike Diamond and Adam Yauch 
7 have called themselves boys twice— 
ve Beastie being an acronym for Boys 


should have your nose broke 
or after you paid admission. 

Somehow the Beastie Boys; 
from this scene with their se: 
mor intact, which is in evidefice on 
1982's Polly Wog Stew. Like other hard- 
core bands, they were loud ãnd fast 
and had no interest in melody. For 
reasons that are still undear, in the 
song Michelle's Farm they equate going 


to school with fucking farm animals 


ЕС Anarchistic States Toward 
A internal Excellence. The Beastie 

Boys can stake a claim not just to re- 

M dindancy but also to twice the boy- 


b Whtood of all the other boys who play 


Fock and roll. 


white guys 


producer Rick Rubin. They put out. 
several 12-inch singles for Rubin's in- 
fluential label Def Jam. In 1985 
they opened for Madonna on her 
Like a Virgin tour. Then, in 
1986 they opened for (and 
sounded a lot like) Run 
D.M.C. It was a historic mo- 
ment: the first all-white rap group go- 
ing over with a black audience. Their 
respect for the form and their lack of 
respect for everything else somehow 
made them the real thing. 
Combining hip-hop beats with 
= punk and metal riffs, the 


j 


Enthusiasm, energy, willingness 
fo mock power, an ability to focus 
оп the new because they don't 
know a lot about the old— 
these are the virtues of boy- 
hood, Beastie and other- 
wise. Boys also grow up. Even 
Beastie Boys develop a sense of. 


mortality, a concern with g 
beyond babes, and pro- 
Claimin, Б ранет greatness to adoring 
(a 


AE and an annoyed 
world. But let's not jump 
to premature maturity. 
The Beastie Boys formed 
in 1981 as a punk band. The 
New York hardcore scene at 
that time was an odd subculture. 
Punks insisted that lyrics should 
Address the horrors of reality and 
Singers should appear alienated. Met- 
Biheads, on the other hand, thought 
les should explore pagan mytholo- 
By and singers should make grand 
es, like professional wrestlers. 
Everyone agreed that punk was sup- 
posed to be anticonformist, so 
you would be viciously criti- 
cized for having a 
_short spiky haircut. If 
ou didn't have a short 
spiky haircut, you'd be 
| viciously criticized for 


1977 = 


Influenced by Bad Brains, a Beastie Boys kept the punk 3 
black band that ruled the idea of writing about their 
New York scene and alter- EN closely observed reality and 
nated hardcore With reg- added the rap 
custom of 
= (concluded on | 


page 142) 


gae, the Beasués put оша М 
[Cooky Puss in > 


sought only to play 
harder than the next 
guy, the Beasties ex- 
perimented 
with sound 
and com- 
bined styles 
outside 
hardcore's 
ideological 
boundaries. 
In the case 
of Cooky Puss 
they put an 
electronic 
dance beat 
under a prank 
phone call. It 
sort of worked. 
In 1984 they 
abandoned punk- 
entirely for rap, af- 
ter coming under 
the influence of NYU 
student and budding 


PLAYBOY 


120 


Gerry Adams (continued from page 111) 


When Riverdance played King's Hall in Belfast, it 
played to packed houses—both Unionists and Irish. 


the Irish Catholic portion of the pop- 
ulation. Why would Trimble and the 
Unionists resist? After all, he has just 
won the Nobel Peace Prize. You would 

i ke it appear that he 


ADAMS: They resist because they believe 
in what they're doing and because they 
are fighting for their way of life and 
their dominance over the province and 
its people. And because, and this is a 
big danger, if they delay it long enough 
people may think the tragedy is over 
in Ireland. The awful things that arc 
happening around the world—terrible 
loss of life in Honduras and Nicaragua, 
the war in Kosovo—make the struggle 
here seem small. 1 am trying, in travel- 
ing to other parts of the world, to re- 
mind people that the struggle here is 
by no means over. 


6 


PLAYBOY: We understand you spoke to 
Yasir Arafat during his meeting with 
Benjamin Netanyahu in Maryland. 
ADAMS: Yes, I spoke with him at the 
Wye Plantation when I was visiting the 
prime minister of Canada. We dis- 
cussed the struggle for justice for our 
separate people in our two countries. 
And we talked about the need for 
democracy and justice. I have been in- 
vited by Chairman Arafat to visit Pales- 
tine, and I'm going. We haven't decid- 
ed when, but it will be soon. 


7 


PLAYBOY: You were rumored to have 
been a candidate for the Nobel prize. 
Arc you disappointed that Trimble got 
it and you didn't? 

ADAMs: No. I never considered that I 
would get it. Never thought about it, to 
tell you the truth. I'm pleased that they 
recognized Ireland, that it was worthy 
to award the prize to the peace process 
in Ireland. Besides congratulating both 
winners, especially John Hume, I real- 
ly haven't wasted much time thinking 
about it. I know there was a sense of 
disappointment and anger among the 
members of my community that I 
didn't get the Nobel, so I almost be- 
came disappointed on their account. I 
haven't dwelt much on it. 


8 


PLAYBOY: In all of this, is there any sense 
of relief? Any common ground sense of 
cultural Irishness? Do you ever lighten 


it up when you talk? 

ADAMS: Well, even in the grimmest mo- 
ments there can be some humor. We do 
on occasion find common ground to 
laugh a bit. Humor is the Irish way of 
coping with the injustices of the world, 
and the Unionists are beginning to rec- 
ognize this. [Laughs] Unionism has a 
new crisis of identity. Irish music and 
literature, which they so far have re- 
jected, is our common legacy, the leg- 
acy of all the people on this island. 

It's no accident that when Riverdance 
played here in the King’s Hall in 
Belfast, it played to packed houses— 
both Unionists and Irish. And there 
are some Unionists on the voyage of 
discovery, some who are happy in their 
lrishness, who have become a little 
more confident in being Irish. 


9) 


PLAYBOY: It seems Prime Minister Tony 
Blair and President Clinton got the 
peace process started. Why was it neces- 
sary for these two men, when it is in the 
interests of those in Ulster, to come to 
some accommodation with each other? 
ADAMS: I think two things happened. 
Blair inherited a potential peace pro- 
cess that John Major had made a mess 
of. He responded positively. And Presi- 
dent Clinton understood the protocol 
of Irish Americans. Of course, Ireland 
is not as strategically important to the 
U.S. as Britain is, so we don't hear Clin- 
ton talking about denials of human 
rights here, or the victims of state ter- 
rorism, who number more than 400. 
But Clinton has nonetheless encour- 
aged the process. The first call he had 
with Blair after Blair's election was 
about Ireland. It's obvious Clinton is 
emotionally and intellectually commit- 
ted to trying to bring peace along with 
Blair. Clinton's visit to Ireland coaxed 
the British and Irish governments to 
put something together. Blair and Clin- 
ton deserve credit. 


10 


PLAYBOY: What has Blair done? 

Avams: David Trimble refused to nego- 
tiate with me, so Blair did it for him. 
Maybe if Trimble had negotiated him- 
self we would not have moved as far as 
we have. 


11 


PLAYBOY: But the process, as you point 
out, has not moved far. Trimble seems 


to have backed off. Is that wise? Can 
the whole thing collapse and there be a 
return to violence? 

ADAMS: I think the Unionists tactically 
have delayed the peace process. So it's 
almost a case of who blinks first. That is 
part of the problem. Trimble voted for 
the agreement and then stepped back, 
but if and when we begin to talk seri- 
ously, and it's likely we will, the real 
progress will begin. 


12 


PLAYBOY: There is a certain provindal- 
ism here, particularly among the Or- 
angemen, as they are called. They con- 
tinue to celebrate victories in ancient 
battles. Doesn't that curious insulation 
make it even more difficult to negoti- 
ate? Do they know about the world out- 
side Ulster? 

ADAMS: It is curious. I can't say 1 have 
knowledge of this personally, but I was 
told by members of the U.S. Congress 
that when Trimble first went to lobby in 
the U.S., he was very arrogant. He was 
more or less dismissive of senators and 
congressmen. He treated them like un- 
derlings. Somebody pointed out to him 
that you don't lobby somebody for 
something by trying to push them 
around. So on his second and third vis- 
its he was gender and more thoughtful. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Can he change? 

ADAMS: You know, he was a leader ofthe 
Vanguard movement. The Vanguard 
was a bigoted, anti-Catholic organiza- 
tion that had no other purpose or rea- 
son for its existence. For David Trimble 
to have gonc from that background to 
where he is now is remarkable. Intel- 
lectually he has come around, but emo- 
tionally he's still into vanguardism. So 
every so often he vill take a step back. I 
think we have to understand the diffi- 
culties that he faces, and we have a re- 
sponsibility to understand that we will 
be faced with people like this. Trimble 
has to treat us the way he wants to be 
treated. 


14 


PLAYBOY: The marches the Orangemen 
hold to commemorate the glorious vic- 
tories of a few centuries ago must be 
particularly difficult to tolerate. 
ADAMS: It's tribal. I was curfewed along 
with the residents of my neighborhood 
this time last year when the Orange- 
men marched through. Right past my 
front door. Three policemen surround- 
ed my front door and assaulted me. 
They pushed me back with their huge 
plastic shields. One of the policemen 
pointed a gun directly at my head over 
his plastic shield. Over the policeman's 
(concluded on page 162) 


"Not all girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Some of 
us are whips and chains and things that bring pain." 


121 


THE 20 DEST-LOOMING REASONS TO START A BAND 


1 is just another night at the office for Kiss. The albums Alive! and Destroyer were emblematic of the 
band is in the middle of its latest tour: Lasers Seventies is blowing the roof off the Nineties. 
cut through smoky air while giant screens pro- In 1995 the four original members gathered on- 


ject Gene Simmons’ enormous tongue in gory stage for the first time in more than a decade to do a 
3D glory. The true test of any band is onstage and few songs on MTV's Unplugged. Response was so 
Kiss knows it. They churn through Love Gun, Detroit great they went on an arena-packing tour. In late 
Rock City and Rock and Roll All Nite. The band whose 1998 they again went (text continued on page 132) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 
CONCERT PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK EDWARD HARRIS 


132 


a OR We 


music, mayhem, merchandise 


In а small club in Queens in 1973, faur guys in makeup were 
pulling in abeut $30 a night. Baby, have things changed. The 
Kiss merchandise industry is a moneymoking machine. Memo- 
robilia buyers and sellers (frankkiss.com) have vintage stuff, 
and catalogs fram Sony Signatures have the latest gaadies, in- 
cluding the wall hanging, phane and boxer sharts pictured 
here. This past New Year's Eve, Plymauth's custam Kiss Prowl- 
= er, valued at $75,000, was given away, but if you haven't stort- 
ed collecting, you might think smaller: The ticket stubs, con- 
dams, comics, zines, albums and ort, books (Kisstory, above, is 
autagraphed), lave gun, mosk and 3D figure ore fram private 
callectians. There is more than опе woy ta party every day. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 154 


on tour and released a new album, Psy- 
cho Circus, which promptly went gold 

Now comes the band's new movie, De- 
troit Rock City, out this April, which will 
add another dimension to the 
nival. Unlike 20 years ago, today 
ing artists gladly acknowledge the in- 
fluence of Kiss' thunder rock. Yes, the 
thought of eight-inch heels and hel- 
met-sized codpieces still seems comical. 

It should be noted, however, that on 
the night Kiss packed Madison Square 
Garden, Marilyn Manson, glam’s latest 
avatar, was across the street playing the 
much smaller venuc, the Hammerstein 
Ballroom. 

When рі лувоу caught up to the band 
midtour in a Chicago hotel room, the 
talk soon turned to second-generation 
groupies. Simmons, the satyrical liber- 
tine, shared an anecdote of mother- 
daughter threesomes and ended by 
saying, "Within 45 minutes we're all in 
bed together—one big happy family." 
Paul Stanley described the tour's open- 
ing on Halloween night in Los Angeles’ 
Dodger Stadium. On the way back to 
the hotel the van became stuck in traf- 
fic. So the band left the van and walked 
in full costume. “It was like Star Wars," 
said Stanley. “No one paid attention. 
One girl looked at us and said, "Wow, 
you must really like Kiss." Peter Criss 
talked about his favorite drummer 
(Gene Krupa) and favorite 3D movie 
(House of Wax). And when Simmons in- 
terjected the word patois, the others 
busted him for throwing around three- 
dollar words. When we caught up with 
Ace Frehley, he told us more than 
we ever knew about the International 
Space Station and the importance of 
populating other planets. The guys 
bounced their stories, jokes and im- 
personations off each other constant- 
ly (Paul does a wicked turn as Sammy 
Davis Jr.)—and, ever the merchandis- 
ers, they were quick to mention their 
behind-the-scenes video of the Alive 
Worldwide tour, Kiss: The Second Com- 
ing. “They're hysterical together,” says 
Adam Rifkin, director of Detroit Rock 
City. "They're like the Marx Brothers 
They have more fun as stars than any- 
one else I've ever met.” 

For any touring band, accessibility 
translates into profits and longevity. In 
this regard Kiss is, incredibly enough, 
like the Dead or Phish. In the Eight- 
ies Simmons and Stanley held day- 
long Kiss conventions for diehard fans. 
Of course there are always people— 
women, say—who want to get closer to 
the band. 

When Simmons was gathering infor- 
mation on toys and games for a second 
volume of Kisstory—a follow-up to the 
deluxe Kiss bible—he also saw a chance 
to feature the band’s tradition of all- 

(continued on page 146) 


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dp. 


washed over by titanic, smelling the roses with 
aretha, swing dancing and looking for a ray of 
light—it was a year of changes 


The music consumer is a giant monster that eats itself. We tend to fill up on something—say an 
all-women concert series like Lilith—and half an hour later we're hungry for something else. Strong 
music did come along this year—from deejays in clubs and Fugee power to the new kings of swing. 
But will they last? Each has put something together out of scraps. Each has tapped into older forms 
and recycled them into something new. The hottest concert ticket was Joni Mitchell and Bob Dy- 
lan—who would have guessed a year ago? Or that the Stones could replay the States for up to $300 
a ticket on a tour that lasted for more than a year? 

Although rap is still a surprisingly powerful medium of expression, our readers seem to be 
looking for something with a melody—witness Aretha Franklin, Boys П Men and Mariah Carey, 
winners in the R&B-Rap category. Will Smith, another winner, takes us to the optimistic side of 
rap. But stay focused on Jay-Z, Outkast, Missy Elliott, Method Man, Bizzy Bone, Lauryn Hill and 
the Beastie Boys for an edgier, denser sound. Notice, too, that women are coming on strong in 
hip-hop. Will there be a Lilith Fair for them? 

Country was all Garth all the time. After he conquered New York, he did 
coast-to-coast live TV and sold millions of CDs. Shania Twain, his female 
counterpart on the fast track, won our poll with both vocalist and country al- 
bum of the year. The album, Come On Over, has gone platinum on the charts 
six times over. News we liked in country this year was the hatching of the 
Dixie Chicks. These adorable Country Music Association award winners 
gave Brooks & Dunn a serious run for our country group award. 

The last days of 1998 were a buying bonanza—U2, R.E.M., Alanis, Jewel, Beck and 
the Black Crowes were just some of the heavy hitters whose albums came out in November 
and December. Would any of these artists release the rock album worth waiting for? And if they 
did, would it matter? (Dave Marsh tackled this question on page 116 in They Can't Kill Rock 
and Roll.) These artists were up against the shock value of Marilyn Manson, ongoing 


istration y Dai Plunkert 


Seventies nostalgia, a quartet of 
great singles—from Chumbawam- 
ba (Tubthumping), Barenaked La- 
dies (One Week), Offspring (Pretty 
Fly for a White Guy) and Fatboy 
Slim (The Rockafeller Skank)—and 
soundtracks that are better than 
radio. The real money is in pop: 
the diva power of Whitney, Celine 
and Mariah. But 20 years from 
now, will we still need them, will 
we still feed them, like we have 
those four lovely boys from Liver- 
pool? I doubt it. 

Jazzsters cried and celebrated 
this year. When Francis Albert, 
the Chairman of the Board, died, 
60 years of American popular 
music was stilled. At the same 

time, we tickled the ivories in 
honor of George Gershwin's 

100th birthday. Louis Pri- 
ma's swing music was bor- 
rowed by the Gap. The 

Cherry Poppin' Dad- 

dies had a Zoot Suit Ri- 
ot on the charts and in 
our poll. Brian Setzer's 
Orchestra sounded like 
the real deal. Herbie 
Hancock, our poll win- 
ner for best jazz instru- 
mentalist, had a chart. 
winner with his ren- 
ditions of Gershwin's 
World. But if you 
want to catch the 
next wave, Joe Lo- 
vano's CD Trio 
Fascination 


and anything with a Latin or Cu- 
ban beat is the spot to trot. 

The message from the summer 
concert extravaganzas is that they 
need to be a great show as well as a 
value. Most didn’t sell out or well. 
The Guinness Fleadh, a great 
show, fell apart when it left New 
York City. In Chicago, there wasn't 
enough food and water, and 
then—to top it off—we had to pay 
$10 for a copy of the lineup. On 
the other hand, people shelled out 
with no complaints for the Stones 
and Jimmy Buffett, and arenas 
filled for Korn's tour, Dave Mat- 
thews and Phish. 

MTV heard the grum- 
bling, and returned 
to music program- 
ming. УНІ pro- 
duced new 
editions of 
Behind the 
Music and the 
Storytellers se- 
ries, saturating 
that channel with 
sound. Network TV 
used pop songs on shows 
such as Dazwson's Creek and Party 
of Five, while Fox just broke down 
and called its new hit That "70s 
Show. The ratings for the NBC 
Temptations miniseries during 
the November sweeps and the 
15th anniversary rerelease of The 
Big Chill served as potent remind- 
ers that boomers love to revisit 
their past. 

With technology changing rap- 
idly, our Hall of Fame winner, 
Prince, has been putting his mu- 
sic out through the Internet and 
keeping the profits. More bands 
will eventually sell their CDs and 
merchandise on a home page and 
keep their fans feeling connected. 

Damn the expense, it was boxed- 
set heaven. This year saw the re- 
lease of Yoko's John Lennon, of 


go» 


Hank Williams, Bruce Spring- 
steen, Randy Newman, and Ray 
Charles’ country cuts. And thanks 
to Rhino, the goofiest one of the 
year was Nuggets, a love song to 
garage bands from the psychedel- 
ic era 1965-1968. 

Our favorite moments this year 
range far and wide, from Ginger 
Spice remade into Geri Halliwell, 
UN goodwill ambassador, to Jay- 
Z's Annie sample, Hard Knock Life. 
We watched Joni Mitchell get her 
propers and Bob Dylan become a 
concert draw. Metallica played a 


It was a year when expectations didn't 
always pan out. Record sales were un- 
predictable: Jewel and R. Kelly went 
platinum in less than four weeks, while 
neither Alanis Morissette nor Whitney 
Houston kept pace with their releases. 


few tunes at a party at the Man- 
sion and glam rock had a revival at 
the movies and onstage. We redis- 
covered Stevie Nicks on VH] and 
bought her album. We laughed at 
Mick Jagger's serious hour on 
A&E’s Biography. We were thrilled 
to see the Kingsmen win owner- 
ship of Louie Louie in court. We 
want music to reinvent itself every 
year. It's a bummer when radio is 
mediocre, concerts are too expen- 
sive and record companies are 
cynical. So we wait for the next big 
thing, even if it’s small. We check 
the clubs, the Internet, college ra- 
dio, the back bins at the record 
store. We keep an eye on tech- 
nology. All we want is to be all 


shook up. — BARBARA NELLIS 


Arch фф 
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What can we say about a 


man whose name has be- 

À d [| Ane come a symbol? Born 
Prince Rogers Nelson in 

Minneapolis 40 years ago, 

rnet this boy wonder emerged 

in the Seventies in a city 

where, in order to do business, black culture had to cross 
over. A guitarist, drummer, pianist, vocalist, producer and 
lyricist, Prince burst onto the scene and changed the face of 
music with his sexually explicit content, eccentric ideology 
and brilliant marketing. Driven by ambition, confidence and 
talent, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince has always enjoyed 
| creating great music and great controversy. How appropriate that 
— this year’s Hall of Fame inductee wants you to party like it’s 1999. 


sculpture by Jach fregoryiphotagraphy by Seymour Mednich 


зоо ө Pr x. A Y X3 O W 


ШЕ oll Dinners 


BOYZ XX MEN 


WILL SMITH 


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=> 
GARTH BROOKS 


BROS GE DONN 


ERIC CLAPTON 


ROLLENG STONES 


PLAYBOY 


DREW CAREY (continued from page 64) 


I got a book on how to write jokes. It was like a mira- 
cle: This is how you write jokes. 


somebody. 

PLAYBOY: You state in your book that the 
main reason you wrote about the inci- 
dent was to encourage others in that sit- 
uation to get help. 

CAREY: You shouldn't be ashamed of any- 
thing that happens when you're a kid. 
You're a kid! What are you going to do? 
There is nothing to be ashamed of. It 
happens. It happens when you're a kid. 
So deal vith it and then shut up. That's 
what I did. That's what I hope to do. I 
dealt with it. I'm over it. But anybody 
who says something like “My husband 
beat me up, so I'm allowed to act like a 
total bitch for the rest of my life" is 
wrong. You're not. Your husband beat 
you up, and after you deal with it, don't 
bring it up again. It doesn't affect you 
today. Now you're just being a cunt 
[laughs]. It doesn't matter if your hus- 
band beat you up or not. 

PLAYBOY: Since you revealed the moles- 
tation, do your fans take some of your 
punch lines in your stand-up act differ- 
enıly—specifically, when you joke about 
getting fucked up the ass? 

CAREY: I didn't get fucked up the ass. I'll 
go on the record [laughs]. Comedically, 
that’s a really embarrassing, funny thing 
to talk about, being fucked up the ass. It 
works for jokes. But I didn't get fucked 
up the ass. So there. You happy? 
PLAYBOY: On the show, Ryan Stiles plays 
Lewis. Is his name an homage to your 
father? 

CAREY: Yeah. 

PLAYBOY: Your dad was ill most of the 
time while you were growing up, in and 
out of the hospital. He died when you 
were nine years old. What do you re- 
member about him? 

CAREY: 1 remember certain things. After 
he had his eye taken out he'd show me 
what was behind his eye patch. He'd go, 
“Hey, watch what I can do, I can breathe 
through my eye.” He'd make the patch 
go in and ош, and then he'd Jet me look 
inside, I thought that was really cool. 
PLAYBOY: After your father died, did you 
feel the absence ofa male role model? 
CAREY: My mom started dating this guy 
when I was 14, but when she married 
him I was already in my 20s. I didn't like 
him at first. It's weird having your mom 
date somebody. I got along with him, but 
he had no influence on me really. He'sa 
great guy and everything, dont get me 
wrong. He just never һай а hand in rais- 
ing me or anything like that. He wa: 
ways George. Never Dad, you know? I 
joined the Big Brothers program. The 
Big Brother I had was a really nice guy. 1 


140 still keep in touch with him. But there's 


no substitute for a father. My Big Broth- 
er was justa guy who took me to the ball- 
park once a month. It was my mom's 
idea. Me and my Big Brother got along 
great, but it wasn't like I ever confided 
anything to him. If 1 ever had a really 
big problem or worried about some- 
thing, I'd always look in a book. I never 
went to my family. 

PLAYBOY: And now you have your audi- 
ence. Do you remember when you de- 
cided to be a full-time comedian? 

CAREY: The official first time was in 1986. 
But before that, in 1979, the only reason 
I got started was to get this performing. 
thing out of my system. I had no idea 
what I was doing at that time in my life. 
Comedy was one of the things I wanted 
to try just to see what it was like, but I 
couldn't figure out the secret of jokes. I 
would get up and, oh man, even just. 
walking up those three stairs to the stage 
was like the death march. So I went to 
the library and I got a book on how to 
write jokes. 1 remember that day. It was 
like a miracle: This is how you write 
jokes. Before that, when anybody said 
something funny in a conversation I'd 
think it could be in my act. And that was 
the extent of my act. It was the saddest 
fucking thing. 1 had all these you-had- 
to-be-there-type comments. 

PLAYBOY: What did the library books 
teach you? 

CAREY: One book said, "To write a joke 
about cars, make a list of everything you 
can think of about cars: women drivers, 
traffic lights, old drivers, new cars, old 
cars, big cars, small cars, gas prices, car 
mechanics, repairs, buying a car and car 
salesmen, for example." Then you take 
one of those things and break it down. 
even more, and then apply these funny 
ways to twist a word around, exaggerate 
a feature. Next thing you know, you'd 
have like ten jokes about cars, and may- 
be one of them might be pretty funny. If 
you want to break it down further, just. 
write one-liners. The one-liner gag is the 
basis for every stand-up act, no matter 
what the style of comedy is. Once 1 did 
that, I thought maybe I could try doing 
it on amateur night. I started listening to 
self-improvement tapes by Denis Waitley 
and Zig Ziglar. They were such a big in- 
fluence on my life. Waitley said, "You 
should try to do something you're good 
at, even if you don't make a living at it; 
do it for a hobby and you'll get a lot 
more fulfillment out of your life." I 
thought, Well, I'm good at telling jokes. 
People at work think I'm funny. Maybe 
T'I try this out at amateur night. 
PLAYBOY: Do you remember your first. 


amateur night? 

CAREY: 1 won 50 bucks. I kept going back. 
and then the guy who owned the place 
hired me as an emcee. That was my first 
paid gig. I got 100 bucks for nine shows 
at the Akron Comedy Club, the first 
place I got paid to do stand-up. All kinds 
of stuff came after that. Once I was 
booked at a colostomy convention. I 
stepped up to a podium with a goose- 


dle of the day, and everybody was sitting 
there, a lot of old people wearing colos- 
tomy bags. For three days they'd heard 
nothing but how to live with your colos- 
tomy bag, and don't feel bad about your- 
selves because you have this problem. 
My part was called “Laughter Is the Best 
Medicine with comedian Drew Carey,” 
sponsored by one of the companies that 
makes the bags. It was the worst. 
PLAYBOY: Did you edit your material? 
CAREY: | didn't have to. I worked really 
clean back then. 

PLAYBOY: That has obviously changed. 
CAREY: I started thinking, I've got to 
make a living. What's the big deal if I say 
a couple of swear words? So after a while 
I started talking the way I normally talk. 
I had to change from jokey to loose. 1 
went with this concept of caring enough 
not to care. That's one big secret to do- 
ing really successful stand-up comedy or 
anything: Care enough not to care. It’s 
your attitude when you walk out there. 
It has nothing to do with your language 
or the subject matter. If you walk on a 
stage thinking, These people like me, 
you're dead. You have to walk out think- 
ing, Here's my thing, either you like it or 
you don't. That's what gives you the con- 
fidence to present it. People in an audi- 
ence want to be led. You have to be the 
leader when you go out there. You can't 
be the leader if you're worried about 
them liking you. I'd hear from people, 
“If you work clean, you'll get a lot more 
work," but that didn't turn out to be 
true. It's actually how funny you are. 1 
don't like the whole discussion of certain 
words you should or shouldn't say. You 
know, nowhere in the Bible does it say 
you can't say the word fuck. 

PLAYBOY: There's a section of your book 
devoted to jokes about havinga big dick. 
CAREY: 1 really don't have a big dick 
Those are just jokes. They're funnier 
than "My dick is so average" jokes. 
Those aren't so funny [laughs]. Гуе done 
a lot of "My dick is so big" jokes. My 
friend Les Firestein came up with really 
good ones, like "My dick is so big, there's 
a shoe called Air My Dick." I've done 
time-travel jokes of things my dick does 
in the future: “My dick is so big, it grad- 
uated high school a year ahead of me.” 
These all started when John Caponera, 
the star ofa show I was in called The Good 
Life, was rehearsing a scene that had a 
megaphone in it. He stuck his dick into 
the opening of the megaphone and wag- 
gled it at me. He said, “Hey, Drew." 1 


looked over and he went, “Ehhh!” And 1 waved, “Hey, man. 
You call that a dick? My dick is so big——” and I thought of 
one. Then he came back with one a minute later. Then the 
other comic on the show was doing them. Every day we would 
come to work and try to outdo one another with big-dick 
jokes. Caponera even called me at like two in the morning and 
said, "Hey, Drew, my dick is so big, ships use it to find their 
way into the harbor." And without even thinking or saying 
hello or anything, I go, “My dick is so big, if you look upin the 
sky, you can see the girl I'm fucking right now. All right, bye." 
That was the whole conversation. 1 could hear his wife gig- 
gling in the background. I never asked him, but it sounded 
like they'd just gotten done fucking. 

PLAYBOY: We would think many of your "My dick is so big" 
jokes wouldn't have made it past your editor's red pencil 
How did they avoid being censored? 

CAREY: Some didn't. Want to hear a couple they wouldn't let 
mc usc? "My dick is so big that when I come I can hit Ken- 
nedy from the book depository.” I wish I could have used that 
one, but the publishers wouldn't allow it because it has to do 
with body fluids. I had to fight for "My dick is so big clowns 
climb out of it when I come," because it has "come" in it. I 
don't know if this one's in there: "My dick is so big my girl- 
friend needs a snorkel to blow me—because of the amount of 
come," something like that. They were grossed out by that 
kind of thing. I couldn't believe it. Really homo-ey. 

PLAYBOY: How have women reacted to your "My dick is so 
big" jokes? 

CAREY: Every woman I know loves them. Even Kathie Lee Gif- 
ford. That was her favorite chapter in the book. On the air, 
she said that she got together with her husband, Frank, and 
her friends. She said they laughed till they fell off their stools 
She has that squeaky-clean image, but it doesn't mean she 
can't like a good big-dick joke. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that if you didn't have The Drew Carey 
Show you would probably still be living in Cleveland. 

CAREY: Yes, if things hadn't gone well in my comedy career, 1 
would probably still be living in that house. I don't see why I 
wouldn't be. 

PLAYBOY: Which city would you pick to raise kids? 

CAREY: Cleveland. It's normal. The schools are better. They're 
not so sucky as the LA schools [laughs]. Never in a million 
years would I put a child of mine in the Los Angeles school 
System. Never. [Grimacing] Blehhh. I don't want my kids going 
to school with gang kids, metal detectors, crime and graffiti. 
Forget it. You can't get an education in Los Angeles, not in 
those schools. Won't happen. I want a school system with 
some standards. I want my kids to learn to speak well and I 
want them to get an education. They don't educate the chil- 
dren in Los Angeles because people don't want to pay for ed- 
ucation. At least Cleveland has average schools, and there are 
good private schools. 

Cleveland has a really good park system. Good neighbor- 
hoods. Arguably the best symphony orchestra in the world. 
You can't find a better party spot anywhere in the country 
than the Flats. You just park your car and go bar to bar. It’s 
unbelievable. I don't think there's any other city with a party 
area like the Flats. What does Los Angeles have? Universal 
City? Give me a break. I want to die in Cleveland. 

PLAYBOY: But isn’t it cold in Cleveland? 
CAREY: Yeah, it snows there, but it's not the end of the world. 
People are wimps. There's nothing to it. Shovel your fucking 
walk. It takes ten minutes to shovel a goddamn driveway and 
then you drive out [laughs]. Thirty years from now, I'll be 70 
years old, and ГЇЇ go to Cleveland and die. 
PLAYBOY: You're giving yourself 30 years? 
carey: I don't know. I might have one year or 30. Who knows? 
There's only thing I know. Whether it's one year or 30, | hope 
I go out having as good a time as I'm having now. I hope I go 
out laughing 

El 


t-earplugs 
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no contracts 
* = 
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tons of talent 


enjoy them 
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PLAYBOY 


142 


BEASTIE BOYS 

(continued from page 119) 
bragging on their major-label debut al- 
bum, Licensed to Ill, in 1986. The first rap 
album to reach the top of Billboard's al- 
bum chart, ЛІ has sold over 5 million 
copies. Its anthem, Fight for Your Right 
(To Party), will probably remain a staple 
at frat parties for decades. But every 
cut celebrates the demented energy of 
young men who tell tall tales of crime 
and tumescent tales of following your 
dick wherever it may lead. 

At various points along the trail blazed 
by the Beasties, we find some of today's 
most vital acts: Rage Against the Ma- 
chine, Korn, Limp Bizkit and a host of 
others in trip-hop and electronica. And 
in the ditch by the side of the trail we 
find Vanilla Ice and Faith No More. 

The Beasties continued to sound live- 
ly, although they concluded that they 
didn't have a lot of money to show for 
their association with Def Jam. They 
moved to California, switched to Capitol 
Records and released Paul's Boutique. 

Unfortunately, they decided not to 
tour for the album and Paul's Boutique 
bombed. They moved back to New York 
in 1990, founded their own label, Grand 
Royal, and built a studio, G-Son. Getting 
back to their roots both geographically 
and musically proved liberating (they 
were playing instruments again, as well 
as manipulating sound electronically). 
In 1992 they had their first hits since Li- 
censed to Ill with the neopsychedelic al- 
bum Check Your Head. Most notably they 
scored with So What'cha Want, a hilarious 
but disturbing single that became a sta- 
ple on MTV. 

Ill Communication in 1994 included the 
metallicized hit Sabotage, which com- 
bined turntable scratching with a Ted 
Nugent-style drone. But the most re- 
markable aspect was the expansion in 
subject matter. In The Update they did 
their first serious political rap, warning 
about the ecological crisis and commit- 


A 


ting themselves to the tradition of Mar- 
tin Luther King. During a snowboard- 
ing trip to Nepal, Adam Yauch became 
interested in Buddhism, and his vows 
started showing up in lyrics. Could this 
be the same band that recorded Licensed 
to Ш? Well, they don't perform most of 
that early crimes-and-babes material 
anymore. Even Beastie Boys grow up. 

At last summer's Reading Festival in 
England, they asked Prodigy not to per- 
form Smack My Bitch Up on the grounds 
that it promoted violence toward wom- 
en. Prodigy retaliated by denouncing 
the Beasties from the stage. "We ex- 
plained that although this may sound 
hypocritical, we have been trying to be 
more careful choosing what songs we 
play, and changing some of the lyrics in 
songs we do play,” said Adam Yauch in 
an e-mail exchange. “We are in the pro- 
cess of learning from our mistakes, and 
feel that some of the things we did in the 
past that we thought were a joke ended 
up having lasting negative effects.” 

Named for the phone greeting you get 
when you call their PR firm, Nasty Little 
Man, 1998's Hello Nasty continued the 
band’s traditional commentary on popu- 
lar culture with the hit Intergalactic, a 
parody of cheesy Japanese science fic- 
tion. The fans who wanted them to play 
the Merry Pranksters every time out 
were happy enough to buy more than 3 
million albums. But there were again 
new elements, namely self-doubt, from 
the former masters of ego inflation. 

Even boys have to face that eventual- 
ly. In the meantime, the Beastie Boys 
have provided us with a link between 
the comic vision of youth in Leiber and 
Stoller's hits with the Coasters in the 
Fifties and Mike Judge's Zen stupi 
with Beavis and Butt-head in the Nine- 
ues. That's a lot for one lifetime, and 
there's more to come. They're a band 
you want to watch grow up. 


E 
a 


do, en eec ih 


“It’s the shoes!” 


LAUR SN EALL 

(Continued from page 115) 
University when she became the anchor 
of the Fugees. Amid it all she made time 
to found and chair the Refugee Project, 
an outreach organization for inner-city 
youth in New Jersey. Not since such 
Singers as Marvin Gaye and Stevie Won- 
der were at their peaks have we heard a 
record so full of love, pain, healing, raw 
truth and beautiful music as is Miseduca- 
tion. In defining a generation and a gen- 
der, it also manages to overstep genera- 
tions, gender and group politics. 

Part of Hill's success has to do with the 
new ascension of black music in the late 
Nineties. Scan the Billboard charts on any 
given week and peep the number of hip- 
hop and R&B acts jacking spots once 
held by rock acts. The Fugees’ sopho- 
more album, The Score, has sold nearly 
20 million copies worldwide since its re- 
lease in February 1996. It single-hand- 
edly stretched the boundaries of hip-hop 
beyond the gheuo walls. Hill credits her 
parents for giving her confidence. She 
acknowledges that she has built on 
themes established by her musical fore- 
bears. From Aretha Franklin (who, she 
says, "smells just like church—like paper 
fans with wooden sticks”) has come a 
hard-earned respect. Like Janis Joplin, 
Hill reaches for spiritual immersion in 
all of her songs. And like Madonna, Hill 
knows that beauty and sexuality can be 
used to your advantage, particularly if 
you are the one in charge of it. Hill bal- 
ances her art with a sense of self that de- 
fies the pressures of society. 

Consider a span of activity at the end 
of last year. Two weeks after the birth of 
her second child, she appeared lithe and 
sexy on Saturday Night Live. She and her 
new band ripped through Doo Wop (That 
Thing). Two days later she was in Los An- 
geles performing on the Billboard Music 
Awards. Then it was back to New York for 
a photo shoot that extended until two in 
the morning. However, the best news 
was her announcement that she'll be 
touring with Outkast in March. Now 
we'll all get to see her up close. 

Miseducalion. wins, ultimately, because 
itis Lauryn's brainchild. She was the ex- 
ecutive producer and she wrote all the 
songs. That's a rarity for women in the 
music business. “But,” Hill told me last 
fall, “for some reason, women aren't tak- 
en seriously as thinkers and creators and 
arrangers and producers. The industry 
thinks there always has to be some man 
somewhere puppeteering the whole sit- 
uation. It doesn't make you feel good as 
an artist when you are having conver- 
sations about your music and people 
don't take it seriously.” Lauryn Hill has 
proved that a woman, a young woman, 
can go into a boys’ club and play the 
game better than most of the boys. And 
look incredibly sexy doing it. 


PLAYBOYEI 
Púa 


QIOAUALNAD 


\ | They're blonde, they're beautiful, they're built— 
they're an absolute dream come true. They're the 
spectacular Dahm triplets, and they're here to show 
you just how well they get along. First, a very lucky 

N rubber ducky joins them in the tub for some sudsy sis- 
terly fun. Then a swing-dance seduction leads to a 
provocative bedroom climax that you'll never, ever 
forget! Playmate Bonus: September 1998 Playmate 
Vanessa Gleason. Full nudity. 61 min. 

Video ZW1874V $19.98 


Most major credit cards accepted. 
Include credit card account number 
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Canadian orders accepted [please visit aur website for other 
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PLAYBOY 


EUA conte from page 82) 


The bizarre striptease isn't about sex 


he's checking lo 


see if she is wearing a wire 


five minutes, you feel as if she could be 
your sister or best friend,” adds Nathan 
Bexton. 

Taye Diggs 

Currently known for: Giving Stella her 
groove back (in style). 

About to be known for: The Wood, with 
Omar Epps, and The Best Man. 

Age: 27 

Broadens horizons in Go by: Shooting 
people and stealing cars in Las Vegas 
while making a mustard-colored jacket 
look good. 

Prepared for film by: Going to strip 
clubs. “We had to do the research,” he 
explains. 

He'd rather not talk about: When he was 
an actor in Rent, he was overjoyed to 
hear he had landed his first film role. 
He celebrated by tearing off his clothes 
in midperformance and running naked 
through the theater. 

The marvelous Diggs was struck by 
how different this project was from his 
big-budget debut, How Stella Got Her 
Groove Back. "1n Stella everything was 
glossy and the makeup had to be perfect. 


If your skin was even slightly imperfect, 
they'd put makeup on your booty. In Go, 
nobody paid attention to how we looked, 
since we were supposed to look pretty 
busted up.” 

Jay Mohr 

Revealing interview exchange: “So, Jay, 
what else have you been in?” 

“Jerry Maguire, Picture Perfect, Suicide 
Kings, Paulie, Small Soldiers, Mafia!” 

“I should rent movies more often.” 

“Yeah, you shoul 

About to be known for: Honing his craft 
in more supporting roles. 

Age: 28 

Broadens horizons in Go by: Playing a gay 
jerk instead of a straight jerk. 

Defines Go as: “Pulp Fiction with a cast 
from the WB.” 

Best described as: New Jersey boy makes 
good. 

“Most of the film was shot with a hand- 
held camera,” says Mohr. “You feel like 
you're making home movies. Liman def- 
initely thumbs his nose at the filmmak- 
ing establishment.” Mohr is prickly in 
person, which translates nicely on the 


screen. In his best scene he screams at 
Scott Wolf while they drag a wounded 
and unconscious Sarah Polley out of a 
ditch. If abrasiveness can be art, he's got 
it made. 

Sarah Polley 

Currently known for: Outstanding per- 
formance in The Sweet Hereafter. 

About to be known for: Go 

Age: 19 

Reason she'll be huge: Strong acting 
chops, good looks and a grounding in 
the Toronto film scene. 

Reason she might not be huge: Hates Los 
Angeles with a passion. (“And that’s un- 
derstating it a bit,” Polley says with a 
laugh.) 

Example of this problem: “She wouldn't 
even read the script for Go,” according 
to Liman. “She passed on the film three 
times.” 

Will most likely resemble: Rebecca De 
Mornay, as she gradually moves from in- 
dies to mainstream. 

U.S. audiences first saw the Canadian 
Polley as a girl of eight in Terry Gilliam's 
critical and commercial flop, The Adven- 
tures of Baron Munchausen. "PLAYBOY gave 
it one of its only good reviews," she says. 
“It was pretty strange being in PLAYBOY 
when you're eight.” She has worked on 
two feature films in Los Angeles. "But I 
can't picture doing this for the rest of my 
life," she says. "The thought is sort of 
horrifying." 


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Timothy Olyphant 

Currently known for: Indie films (No Va- 
cancy with Christina Ricci), Seream 2 and 
stage roles. 

Breakthrough role in Go: The Santa-hat- 
wearing drug dealer. 

Age: 30 

How he managed to be so threatening on- 
screen: “You don't have to play a badass. 
If you pick up a switchblade and cut 
somebody, that makes you a badass.” 

Has the potential to be: His badass of 
choice. 

Olyphant plays the asshole you want 
to like but can't trust. One of the weird- 
est moments comes when he turns up 
the music and pantomimes to Sarah Pol- 
ley to take off her shirt. The bizarre strip- 
tease isn't about sex—he's checking to 
see if she is wearing a wire. And what 
he does with Katie Holmes in a public 
stairway is heaven. Olyphant is from the 
know-your-lines-and-don't-bump-into- 
the-furniture school of acting. "I always 
try to keep things simple. If the vriting 
is good, all you have to do is memorize 
your lines," he says. He was the second 
actor to be cast after Katie Holmes. 
"They cast us first. Then they said, 'Co- 
lumbia is picking it up, and I said, "With 
ight?” 
jam Fichtner 

Previously known for: Big science fiction 
flicks: He was the blind scientist in Con- 
lact, the nuclear bomb-activating astro- 
naut in Armageddon. 

About to be known for: A shockingly 
good comic performance in Go. He's 
one scene away from stealing the film. 
(Think Peter Lorre in Casablanca.) 

Age: 49 

How he feels about being the old man: 
“Somebody called me Sir on the set, and 
I just about died.” 

Closest equivalent of older dude in young 
movie: Harry Dean Stanton in Repo Man. 

Strangely resembles: An older, respect- 
able Kevin Bacon. 

In Armageddon Fichtner is the only one 
who's worth watching. Go gives him more 
room to play. “It’s a good script—it's sick 
and demented enough to sink into and 
find the weirdness,” he says. Which he 
managed to do with gusto. “Bill is amaz- 
ing,” Wolf recalls. “I tried to imitate 
some of the stuff he was doing, but it 
didn't work. He's on his own planet.” 

Nathan Bexton 

Best known for: Nowhere and Dangerous 
Minds. 

Breakthrough role in Go: Drug-addled 
teen who talks to cats. 

Age: 20 

Reason hell be huge: He's young, talent- 
ed, funny, good-looking. 

Reason he won't be huge: He's going to 
appear in Children of the Corn, Part Six. 

Bexton brings a sense of ease to the 
screen, an unusual quality in a young ac- 
tor. In Go he has a wonderful scene with 
a talking cat who wants to eat his soul. 
It's that sort of movie. —BRENDAN BARER 


RÉial/onsw/g 
(continued from page 88) 

(1) When my partner complained, I 
just wanted to get away from all of the 
garbage. 

(2) 1 had to work hard to control my- 
self so that I wouldn't say what I really 
was feeling. 

(3) I thought, It's best to shut up and 
avoid a big fight. 

(4) I withdrew to try to calm down. 

(5) I just had to leave the room. 

(6) When my partner gets negative, I 
think my best response is not to respond 
at all. 

(7) Fd rather pull back than get my 
feclings hurt. 

(8) Most of the time, withdrawing is 
the best solution 

(9) I wondered why small issues sud- 
denly became big ones. 

(10) I shut down when my partner's 
emotions seemed out of control. 

(11) I thought, There's no way in hell 
I have to take this crap. 

(12) I didn't want to fan the flames of 
conflict, so I just sat back and waited. 

(13) I cannot tolerate it when our dis- 
cussions stop being rational. 


If you agreed on five or more items 
you're probably a stonewaller. 


‘The four horsemen occasionally tram- 
ple hoofprints into every relationship, so 
there's no reason to despair if you've felt 
their hot breath in your arguments now 
and then, And no matter how you've 
scored on these tests, only you and your 
partner can finally decide whether it's 
worth the work it takes to avoid or repair 
and resolve the inevitable angry epi- 
sodes. The happiest, most stable couples 
accept that all relationships have limi- 
tations, frustrations and lamentati 
What gets them through is their abi 
to show each other underlying love and 
respect even while they squabble. And 
though every intimate relationship is 
complicated, Gottman's laboratory re- 
search with hundreds of couples has 
yielded a mathematical principle that 
describes all the solid partnerships he 
has studied. “It’s a simple equation,” he 
says. “Couples with a ratio of five good 
moments to every bad one succeed.” 
Simple. But never easy. 


“I figure, if you run the country, you deserve the sex.” 


145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


MG саса from page 132) 


“I fuck my brains out. I fuck everything that moves. If 
it doesn't move, we work somelhing out." 


access beauties. Word went out via the 
Net and fan clubs that it was time to 
show the rest of the world what Kiss girls 
look like (at least the parts below the 
makeup). When first-row photos of 
women in various states of undress be- 
gan arriving, Simmons decided to offer 
the pics to Hef for possible inclusion in 
PLAYBOY. (Simmons, of course, lives with 
Shannon Tweed. 1982 Playmate of the 
Year, and their two children.) West Coast 
Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski was 
brought in to road-manage the project. 
"The idea was then expanded to add 
Kiss-happy houies who would be thrilled 
to pose for PLAYBOY photographers. Doz- 
ens of outrageously adorned women— 
Ace cadettes, Gene genies, Paul barers, 
Peter Criss catwomen and PLAYBOY mod- 
els who were also fans—showed up for a 
casting call that lasted several days. The 
shoot produced as much energy and py- 
rotechnics as a typical arena show. The 
resulting pictorial may be the only piece 
of evidence that Kiss has ever been 
upstaged. 

As the project grew in scope, we went 
on a Kiss binge. We looked at all the ma- 
terial we had gathered—the hotel inter- 
views, the books, the raw data, the toys— 
and decided to do what Kiss always did: 
We packaged it. (Check out Playboy On- 
line for audio clips.) What follows is a 
collection of Kiss notes—some facts and 
quotes to digest while you bang your 
head to Psycho Circus. 


GIRLS, GIRLS. GIRLS 


Over the years Simmons has let his 
tongue do the talking when it comes to 
his views on sex. Here's a sample of his 
more expressive quotes from the past 
and from his conversation with PLAYBOY. 

“Women seem to think, That one's not 
your type. There is no type. We're men. 
We're dogs." 

“I've never been interested in porn 
films. The idea of watching other peo- 
ple go at each other never did it for me. 
T's the same with watching sports—pas- 
sive participation. I'm either doing it or 
I'm not.” 

“I love all women and I will never stop 
that, no matter what society tells me. In 
short, yes, I want every girl that ever 
lived.” 

“I fuck my brains out. I fuck every- 
thing that moves. And if it doesn’t move, 
we work something out.” 

“Sometimes they wore Kiss makeup, 
sometimes I did. Many times beauties 
have wanted to sleep with the beast. J al- 
ways found that strange.” 

“The most bizarre thing was seeing 


my face wrapped around the gateway to 
hell. A tattoo. If you can imagine my 
mouth wide open—her lips at that point 
were not shut either. You know the 
phrase, Go fuck yourself?” 


ROLE MODELS 


“They were the coolest, fucking de- 
monic monster loud rock band. They 
were superheroes 10 me."—TRENT REZ- 
NOR OF NINE INCH NAILS 

“1 used to worship Kiss. In fact, Kiss 
is one of the reasons why I picked up 
an electric guitar.”—KIRK HAMMETT OF 
METALLICA 

"I can't duplicate the master. He's got 
this low vibrato that's hard to imitati 
J. MASCIS OF DINOSAUR JR ON ACE FREHLE! 
GUITAR SOLOS 

Courtney Love stole a Kiss T-shirt 
when she vas a child. 

Mike McCready of Pearl Jam had a 
Kiss lunch box. 


5 


STAKISSTICS 


* Number of minutes it took for Kiss 
to sell out Detroit's 38,000-seat Tiger 
Stadium in 1998: 47. 

* Price for a scalped front-row ticket 
to the show: $7000. 

* Amount of money the 1996 tour 
raked in: $150 million to $200 million. 

e Price of a bottle of Kiss wine: $50. 

* Number of albums Kiss has sold 
during its 25-year career: more than 75 
million. 

* Number of Kiss gold album releas- 
es: 25 (four shy of the Beatles' record 
of 29). 

e Rank of Kiss among highest-gross- 
ing acts of the 1996-1997 touring sca- 
son: 1. 

® The year members of Kiss decided 
to take off their makeup: 1983. Year they 
put it back on: 1996. 

* Date of the first U.S. prime-time TV 
appearance by the band (it was on Dick 
Clark's /n Concert): February 14, 1974. 

* Length of Gene's tongue: 5 inches. 

e Size of the Kiss Army Fan Club at its 
peak in 1978: 100,000. 

e According to Forbes, amount Kiss 
was grossing annually at its peak in 
1978: $119 million. 


BAND LINER QUOTES 


“It’s like taking pictures of Marilyn 
Monroe taking a dump. It kills the illu- 
sion."—Paul Stanley on being photo- 
graphed without makeup 

“The best gimmick Гуе seen is bands 
with multiplatinum albums going on- 
stage in ripped-up clothes making be- 
lieve they're poor. That's a great gim- 


mick."— Paul Stanley 

"If you're going to watch bands stare 
at their boots, you might as well come to 
our shows. Our boots are more interest- 
ing."—Paul Stanley 

“Two days ago we saw this guy who 
had his whole back tattooed with our 
portraits. Stupid."— Peter Criss 

“One guy had Gene's face on his ass so 
shit literally comes out of his mouth."— 
Paul Stanley 

"He was about 300 pounds, looks like 
a wrestler. He won a contest, he won 
tickets because he tattooed me on his 
butt. I wonder what it all means. I think 
it's good." —Gene Simmons 

“I like to say Posh Spice, Baby Spice, 
Scary Spice come jump on Old Spice. I 
think the music they make is great."— 
Paul Stanley 

“I think we're artists. I think the 
makeup is art. We create a lot of art up 
there and I don't see a lot of bands com- 
ing near it."—Peter Criss 

*The photo shoot was fun, especially. 
the panoramic shot. I don't think I've 
seen that many naked women in Kiss 
makeup in my life. I was impressed."— 
Ace Frehley 

“I think my guitar playing is probably 
average. It’s overrated. But I guess Гуе 
developed my own style. I didn't realize 
when I was in my 20s that Га have an 
impact on a whole generation of guitar 
players. Now it looks like I have a chance 
to affect a new generation. This time 
I'm going to practice a bit more."—Ace 
Frehley 


DID YOU KNOW? 


* Gene's real name: Gene Klein, born 
Chaim Witz. Paul's real name: Stanley 
Eisen. Peter's real name: Peter Criss- 
coula. Ace's real name: Paul Frehley. 

* What the makeup represents: Gene 
is the Demon. Paul is the Starchild, Ace 
is Space-Ace. Peter is the Catman. 

* Gene and Paul's first band was 
named Wicked Lester. When they put 
together a band with Ace and Peter they 
thought about using the name Fuck. 

* Before they adopted the Kabuki- 
style makeup, the band modeled them- 
selves after such glam stars as the New 
York Dolls and Alice Cooper. Pieces of 
early costumes came from New York 
City's Pleasure Chest. 

© During the Seventies they recorded 
for the Casablanca label, home of the 
Village People and Donna Summer. 

® The official ingredients for Gene's 
fake goat's blood: melted butter, food 
coloring, ketchup, eggs and yogurt. 

* Ace designed the Kiss logo. 

* One of the more unfounded and id- 
iotic interpretations of the name as an 
acronym was Knights in Satan’s Service. 

* Lou Reed has songwriting credits 
on the concept album Music From the El- 
der. Katey Sagal—who played Peg Bun- 
dy on Married With Children —was a back- 
up singer on Gene's solo album. 


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• Rolling Stone once likened Kiss’ mu- 
sic to “buffalo farts.” 

* Gene has a collection of Polaroids of 
groupies that numbers in the thousands. 

e Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park is 
the name of the campy 1978 made-for- 
TV movie starring the band. It was the 
second-most-watched show of the year 
on NBC, after Shogun. 

* Before 1983, bodyguards would rou- 
tinely buy film off fans who managed to 
snap the foursome without their make- 
up on. 

* The band's new film, Detroit Rock 
City, is about four kids desperate to at- 
tend a Kiss show. Thc concert set was 
an exact replica of the stage from 1978's 
Love Gun tour. 

© Two of the Kiss toys that never made 
it past prototypes were the Kiss Kite and 
the Kiss Kamera. The camera was mod- 
eled after Gene's face and the tongue 
flicked when the shutter snapped. 

* Blood was drawn from each band 
member and was then mixed with the 
ink used for the first special-edition Kiss 
comic book by Marvel Comics 


BUY THE BOOK 


Kisstory: Official band bio and col- 
lectibles guide. Called an “amazing pack- 
age" by Jake Austen of the zine Roctober. 

Kisstory II: All about the second com- 
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Black Diamend by Dale Sherman: An 
unauthorized, turgid account of Kiss 

Black Diamond 2: A huge discography 
and music guide also by Dale Sherman. 

Kiss and Sell by C.K. Lendt: A readable 
eyewitness account of the Kiss jugger- 
naut by a former business manager of 
the band. 

Kiss and Tell by Gordon G.G. Gebert 
and Bob McAdams: Sour grapes rant 
about Ace Frehley by two ex-hangers- 
on. One revelation: Ace partied hard. 


KISS AND PLAYBOYS 


February 1977—Gene Simmons’ girl- 
friend Star Stowe is the Playmate of the 
Month. “To me, his music is what sex 
would sound like if you could hear it,” 
she said at the time. A snapshot of Sim- 
mons, Criss and Stanley with Stowe also 
appeared in the spread. 

January 1978—Debra Jensen, a Cop- 
pertone suntan model, is the Playmate of 
the Month. In December 1979 she be- 
comes Peter Criss’ second wife. 

1982—Shannon Tweed is the Play- 
mate of the Year. Later she will meet 
Simmons, who had previously dated Di- 
ana Ross and Cher. Today the couple still 
lives together and has two kids. 

October 1996—British pop star Sa- 
mantha Fox appears in PLAYBOY. At one 
time she was linked to Paul Stanley, 
who also counts Lisa Hartman, Lesley 
Ann Warren and Donna Dixon among 


his exes. 


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PLAYBOY 


148 


Olbermann in. poze 10% 


The financial end of the sport is still a mess. Market- 
ing seems random, hokey and sometimes naive. 


gear after the record was set, not while it 
was being pursued. 

It began to kick McGwire last October 
17. Who threw out the first pitch at the 
World Series? Sammy Sosa. Three days 
later, whom did The Sporting News select 
as its Player of the Year? Sammy Sosa. 
Baseball has already begun to put Mark 
McGwire down and back slowly away 
from him, and not merely because he 
probably can't replicate the 70-homer 
season. He left a time bomb ticking in 
August, one that could barely be heard 
over the boosterism of the sports media 
and national news outlets, one called 
androstenedione. 

Don't just dismiss this performance- 
enhancing drug as readily as the sports- 
media complex has done. All it adds is 
strength, say the defenders; McGwire 
still has to hit the ball. And what do you 
suppose makes the difference between 
70 homers and 70 fly balls caught atthe 
warning track? And sure, it was legal 
in baseball in 1998. So was an array 
of dubious performance-enhancing sub- 
stances. Yet, not long before the stuff was 
spied in McGwire's locker, androstene- 
dione had been banned by Australia's 


National Football League. They are the 
people who bring you a sport that looks 
like a cross between rugby and demoli- 
tion derby. In the Australian NFL, the 
story goes, the winning team gets to kill 
and cat the loser. Were he still playing, 
McGwire's own quarterback brother 
Dan would've been suspended by our 
NFL if he'd tried to use the stuff. It's 
against the rules in college and Olympic 
competition, no matter the sport. And 
don't be snowed under by the argument 
that it's a legal, over-the-counter supple- 
ment. That's not only not true in France 
and Switzerland, but you can't even buy 
it with a prescription in Canada. This is 
the stuff the Fast Germans developed to 
turn their swimmers into one-third men, 
one-third women, one-third porpoises. 
Back here, General Nutrition Centers, 
the largest retail "health" chain in the 
country, simply won't sell it. GNC appar- 
ently has higher drug standards than 
major league bascball. 

"That's another problem. As pitcher- 
turned-author Jim Bouton pointed out 
last fall, sooner or later, baseball vill have 
to establish a policy on steroids and tes- 
tosterone precursors. The ticking got a 


“It wasn't my fault. It was because of 
a dearth of moral leadership during a lapse in 
presidential probity." 


little louder last October 29 when the 
Toronto Globe and Mail, quoting an un- 
named baseball source, reported that a 
special joint player-owner committee. 
will have declared androstenedione off- 
limits within baseball by Opening Day. 
The choice, simply, was between en- 
dorsing androstenedione—which may 
threaten your life or at least shrink your 
testicles to the size of peanuts—or ban- 
ning it. Inevitably that decision slaps an 
unofficial and retroactive asterisk on Mc- 
Gwire's record. 

‘The saddest part of this inevitable Mc- 
Gwire controversy is that, from a mar- 
keting point of view, it may not have 
even been worth it. With McGwire gone 
hunting, fishing or andro shopping, and 
with Sosa and the Cubs vanishing once 
the big-kid Braves got out of school, the 
playoff television ratings were up only 
marginally. The Yankees-Padres World 
Series actually came in with ratings low- 
er than those of that interminable Indi- 
ans—Marlins debacle of the previous 
season. 

Baseball claimed a seasonal atten- 
dance jump of nearly 12 percent over 
1997. But those numbers have not only 
been cooked, they've been cooked with 
the sophistication of a fourth grader 
cheating on a long-division test. Auten- 
dance was up 12 percent. The number 
of franchises was up seven percent— 
they expanded last year. This means that 
not counting the 6 million fans who went 
to the games of the new Arizona and. 
"Tampa Bay teams, the actual increase in 
attendance amounted to only 589 fan- 
nies per game. 

The images of the "great postseason 
stage" can't be inspiring to baseball's 
marketeers. Who will forget the Yankees" 
Chuck Knoblauch moronically arguing 
with an umpire while ignoring the still- 
live baseball —and the game-deciding 
run—rolling away from him? Or the 
amazingly bad management by Atlan- 
ta's Bobby Cox and then by San Diego's 
Bruce Bochy (No, no, Bruce, you use the 
team's best pinch hitter, John Vander 
Wal, to pinch-hit in the bottom of the 
ninth of a World Series game, not to 
pinch-run)? And, of course, there was 
the apparent outbreak of infectious de- 
lusional paranoia among the umpires. 
The arbiters not only widened or nar- 
rowed strike zones as unpredictably as 
a myopic tailor wearing borrowed eye- 
glasses, but they threw out one manager 
three pitches into one game, and—now 
it can be told —threatened to eject a tele- 
vision set from the American League 
Championship Series. 

The television was the one supplied 
me by NBC at my reporting vantage 
point, wedged between the third-base 
camera and the Indians’ dugout. As 
game six started, third-base umpire 
John Shulock came over to me and de- 
manded that the eight-inch monitor be 
angled “away from the field, so players 


can't see the replays.” When one of the 
Indians tried to view the videotape ofa 
clearly botched call, Shulock raced back 
to my warren and started screaming at 
me that he'd warned me once "to move 
that damn thing away from the dugout" 
and that if another player even seemed 
to be looking at it, he would shut the set 
off and have it removed. To Shulock's 
credit, he shortly returned to apologize 
for yelling. To his discredit, it seemed 
never to have dawned on him that a 
player seeking to watch a replay in the 
Bronx needed to jaunt just 44 steps from 
the dugout to the clubhouse. In Cleve- 
land there were actually two full-size 
televisions in a room directly behind 
each dugout. And they had big comfy 
chairs in front of them. 

None of this silliness, of course, dimin- 
ished the increased esteem Mark Mc- 
Gvire et al. earned for the game. But 
esteem is a fleeting thing easily upend- 
ed by whatever nitwitted idea lurks on- 
deck. The game might never have been 
stronger, for example, than in August 
1994. Then the owners forced a players’ 
strike, canceled the World Series and 
made many fans wonder why, if there 
was to be no World Series, they should 
pay in money or attention for those April 
weeknight games between the Tigers 
and the Royals. 

The financial end of the sport is still a 
mess. Big-money teams grab talent as 
needed. Postseason ticket prices rise so 
steeply that there were actually thou- 
sands of seats empty for the first two NL 
Championship Series games in Atlanta. 
Marketing seems random, hokey and 
sometimes naive. The home run thing 
has been done, Cal Ripken has benched 
himself and the next challenge to his 
ironman streak is at least 2000 games 
and 13 years away. The wild card pro- 
duced only a new form of the same old 
pain for eternally suffering Cubs and 
Red Sox fans. For every cuddly super- 
star like Sosa, there is an unpredictable 
Barry Bonds or an increasingly irritable 
Ken Griffey. 

The game has always managed to sur- 
vive the stupidity of the people who ran 
it. Maybe they could even sell it that way: 
Come watch our executives make every 
mistake imaginable and still not kill off a 
tradition that is woven into the fabric of 
American history! Watch us overcharge 
you! See the pitching deteriorate before 
your eyes! Enjoy your favorites today be- 
cause we're going to trade them away to- 
morrow! Try to guess which homer left 
the park through the miracle of an- 
drostenedione and which one left under 
its own power! Or they can push all the 
outfield fences back 100 feet and see if 
McGwire can break Chief Wilson's 1912 
record of 36 triples in one season. Just 
so long as the damn fool doesn't actually 


do it! 


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149 


PLAYBOY 


Rudolph Giuliani (continued from page 106) 


“We had to drag Rudy down because he was going to 
kill Sal,” says Tony Mauro, a frat member. 


in a miniature Yankees uniform and 
sending him outside where he was taunt- 
ed by neighborhood kids. “To my father, 
it was a joke,” Giuliani has recalled. “But 
to me it was like being a martyr. ‘I’m not 
going to give up my religion." 

Rudy's zealousness flourished during 
the late Fifties at Bishop Loughlin Me- 
morial High School in Brooklyn. 

While his classmates bopped to Elvis, 
Giuliani started an opera club. Friends 
asked their parents for cars at gradua- 
tion; Giuliani requested an oversized 
desk anda high-backed leather chair. He 
spent hours debating philosophy, reli- 
gion and politics. 

Giuliani graduated from high school 
mulling the priesthood, an interest he 
dropped several years later because he 
could not fathom a life of celibacy. His 
classmates knew where he was headed. 
In its senior poll, Bishop Loughlin's class 
of 1961 elected Giuliani class politician. 


At Manhattan College he majored in 
political philosophy and sparkled in his 


government classes. 

He lost a close election for junior class 
president to Jim Farrell and displayed 
the fury for which he is now known, and 
which may be a burden if and when he 
encounters the daily indignities of a na- 
tional campaign. "His eyes looked like 
the fires of hell," says classmate Bernie 
McElhone, who saw Giuliani after the 
results were announced. “He was enor- 
mously, gargantuanly pissed off." 

Apparently, Giuliani never got over it. 
Farrell, a lawyer at Colgate Palmolive, 
has run into Giuliani over the years. At 
a 1994 St. Patrick's Day luncheon just 
after Rudy became mayor, Farrell was 
urged to greet the mayor at the dais. “1 
reached up my hand," Farrell recalls, 
"and Giuliani looked at me like, "Who 
the fuck are you?" Then, Farrell says, 
the mayor turned away. 

If defeat provoked Giuliani’s rage in 
college, it also shaped his ability to re- 
bound. In his freshman year, Manhat- 
tan’s elite fraternity, Alpha Sigma Beta, 
rejected him after he complained about 
hazing rituals that required pledges to 


“Hasn't lost his attitude, man!” 


waddle like ducks across campus. Giu- 
liani joined Phi Rho Pi, Manhattan's 
least popular fraternity, stocked it with 
friends and transformed it into his own 
campus power base—and an arena for 
conflict. 

Phi Rho Pi was split between those 
who favored wild drinking parties and 
those who preferred sedate affairs. Ti- 
gers and Pussies, they called themselves. 
“Rudy was one of the Pussies,” says Sal 
Scarpato, a retired California business- 
man who, as a Tiger, lost a race for frat 
president to Giulian 

At frat meetings, Giuliani enraged the 
Tigers by citing Roberts Rules of Order 
to end debates. During one angry ex- 
change, Scarpato hurled a soda bottle at 
Rudy's head (he missed) and they ended 
up slugging each other in a nearby park. 
Another time, Scarpato made a lewd 
comment about Kathy Livermore, Giu- 
Папі girlfriend. "We had to drag Rudy 
down because he was going to kill Sal," 
says Tony Mauro, a frat member. 

Giuliani met Kathy one college sum- 
mer while working at a bank (he had 
previously sold vacuum cleaners). She 
was blonde, blue-eyed and leggy—a 
dead ringer for Julie Christie—and they 
dated for two years. Kathy often listened 
while Rudy practiced political speeches 
from behind his oversized desk at home. 
While friends considered careers in law 
and medicine, Giuliani, according to 
Livermore, liked to say, “Rudolph Wil- 
liam Louis Giuliani III, the first Italian 
Catholic president of the United States." 
She and friends laughed because Giu- 
liani was so earnest. "We'd joke about it, 
"Oh there's Rudolph William Louis Giu- 
liani Ш, the first Italian Catholic presi- 
dent of the United States.’ He said it 
enough that it was part of him. He didn't 
say things lightly." 


In 1965, Giuliani enrolled at New 
York University Law School and im- 
mersed himself in his books and made 
Law Review. 

“He was antiwar, he defended Stokely 
Carmichael and he hated Nixon," says 
Republican Congressman Peter King of 
New York, who was an intern with Giu- 
liani at Richard Nixon's Wall Street law 
firm in 1967. “1 once told him Goldwater 
could have beaten JFK, and he burst 
out, "What the hell are you talking 
about?' When he argued, there was no 
steady increase in the hostility. But sud- 
denly, he'd be yelling and his eyes would 
pop out." 

In 1968, Giuliani married Regina Pe- 
ruggi, his second cousin. They had been 
close since childhood. “It seemed a little 
strange to me. 1 mean, they were relat- 
ed,” says his aunt, Anna Davanzo. 

Their childless marriage was often 
strained, Giuliani has said, because of his 
devotion to his work. After a long sepa- 
ration, they were divorced in 1982. That 


same year he met Donna Hanover and, 
after a six-week courtship, Giuliani pro- 
posed to her at Walt Disney World 
"Their wish for a Catholic wedding re- 
quired that he get his first marriage an- 
nulled—an often difficult process. Giu- 
liani succeeded by citing a technicality 
He claimed he had failed to obtain the 
proper church dispensation required 
when second cousins marry and, as a re- 
sult, the 14-year marriage had never 
been valid. “I was under the impression 
that we were third cousins because I had 
never calculated the lines of consanguin- 
ity,” is how Giuliani explained it to The 
New York Times in 1997. He and Hanover 
were married in 1984. 

While Peruggi refuses to talk about 
the mayor, her brother and friends have 
said Giuliani always knew he and Regina 
were second cousins but feigned igno- 
rance to get the annulment. In any case, 
his apparent oversight seems at odds 
with his eye for detail and zeal for fol- 
lowing the rules. 

After graduating from NYU in 1968, 
he joined the U.S. Attorney's Office in 
New York's Southern District. He be- 
came a star with a reputation for aggres- 
siveness. He busted veteran Brooklyn 
Congressman Bertram Podell for con- 
spiracy and conducted such a rattling 
cross-examination that Podell acciden- 
tally poked out a lens of his glasses. After 
a recess, Podell pleaded guilty. 

After voting for George McGovern in 
1972, he became an Independent, then 
registered as a Republican in 1980. He 
left the Democrats, he has explained, 
not to ingratiate himself with the GOP 
but because he believed that the Demo- 
crats were moving too far to the left. In 
1981 Giuliani was appointed number 
three man in Ronald Reagan's Justice 
Department. 

He captured national attention in 
1982 when he argued the administra- 
tion’s case for denying political asylum 
to thousands of Haitians fleeing Jean- 
Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier's dictator- 
ship. “The situation of political repres- 
sion does not exist, at least in general, in 
Haiti,” he said in a statement widely crit- 
icized by human rights activists. 

At the height of his power in Washing- 
ton, he announced that he wanted to 
run the U.S. Attorney's Office in New 
York's Southern District. The move was 
a step down (even his mother objected), 
but Giuliani said he missed being a pros- 
ecutor. He also knew that returning to 
Gotham was a first step toward entering 
politics. 

Giuliani’s tenure as U.S. Attorney in 
the mid-Eighties was marked by un- 
precedented successes and amazing mis- 
fires. RUDY became a fixture in tabloid 
headlines, as Giuliani busted Mafia boss- 
esand WallStreet traders, tax cheats and 
politicians. “The way you end corrup- 
tion," he told a reporter, "is to scare the 
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One of Giuliani's most publicly cruel 
moments came when he ordered three 
Wall Street traders to be handcuffed at 
their offices on insider trading charges 
in 1987. The cases against two of the 
men were eventually dropped; the third 
pleaded guilty to a lesser charge. "It was 
completely unjustifiable," says Stanley 
Arkin, a lawyer for one of the traders. 
"Generally, you arrest people that way if 
you're afraid they're violent or they're 
going to flee. There was no law enforce- 
ment reason other than to make a di: 
play of his prosecutorial power." 

By then, Giuliani was poised for his 
next step. He ran for mayor in 1980, 
narrowly losing to David Dinkins, who 
cast him as a ruthless prosecutor. In his 
second mayoral race in 1993, Giuliani 
reassured voters that he was a tough guy, 
but he was also a husband, a father and 
a Yankees fan. He won by fewer than 
40,000 votes. 


"The darker shades of Giuliani's per- 
sona rarely reach people who live west 
of the Hudson, where the mayor plans 
more forays to establish a benign image 
as New York's good cop, one of those 
likable, rough-edged New Yorkers from 
Law and Order and NYPD Blue. Sipowicz 
without the gun. Tough but tender. 

Giuliani's 13 appearances on David 
Letterman since 1993 have included his 
unveiling of “We can kick your city's ass" 
as New York City's slogan. National au- 
diences also saw the mayor on Seinfeld 
and Cosby, and saw him dress up as an 


old Italian woman on Saturday Night Live. 

"There's a great curiosity about Rudy 
Giuliani," says Ed Rollins, now a GOP 
consultant who believes Giuliani's best 
next step is to run for Pat Moynihar's 
senate seat in 2000. "With a couple of 
years in Washington, there's no limit to 
how far he could go. 

For all of Giuliani's successes, many 
New Yorkers recoil at the thought of his 
seeking national office. In one poll, 53 
percent said they would not vote for him 
for president. Former Giuliani aides 
share the dread. “Do I want him near 
the button?" asks a former staffer. He 
bursts into laughter. "Fuck no. Reality is 
reality. The guy likes to fight too much." 

Can he remain a tirade addict and still 
not scare people? Consider the case of 
James Schillaci, a Bronx limousine driv- 
er who is evidence that sometimes the 
mayor tramples even his most ardent 
supporters. 

Schillaci provoked the mayor's ire by 
videotaping police officers writing bogus 
traffic tickets near his home. On the day 
in August 1997 when his claims were 
published in the Daily Neus, two cops ar- 
rived unannounced at Schillaci's apart- 
ment to arrest him for not paying 
13-year-old traffic tickets. Schillaci was 
handcuffed and driven to court, where a 
judge quickly threw out the case. 

Giuliani's aides then claimed that 
Schillaci was a convicted sodomist, on- 
ly to amend their statements the next 
day because he had only been accused of. 
sodomy. They also released his arrest 
record, which included 11 convictions 


"Sorry, ladies—this gallery is closed on Tuesdays." 


(the most recent was 15 years old). 

Of course, not one iota of Schillaci's 
past—not even the fact that he once was 
commended for helping catch two ar- 
sonists—was considered relevant to his 
well-documented case against the police. 
But Giuliani was more than willing to tar 
Schillaci to score points with the cops. 
“Just because you call yourself a whistle- 
blower doesn't mean you are,” the may- 
or said. "I can see behind things because 
1 have a respect for our police officers." 

So did Schillaci, which is why he once 
voted for Giuliani. He also didn't want 
David Dinkins to become mayor. “Why? 
Because he's black. 1 know it doesn't 
sound good, but that is how I felt." Schil- 
laci's dash with Giuliani may have pro- 
duced at least one positive result. “Ru- 
dy cured me of my prejudice,” Schillaci 
says. “Now I can see voting for a black 
guy because I know I can be screwed by 
a white guy." 


On a warm night last summer, Giu- 
liani traveled to Staten Island, the city's 
most conservative borough, where some 
200 residents greeted him with a stand- 
ing ovation. 

Mitchell Diggs, 30, business manager 
for the rap group Wu-Tang Clan, was 
among the few blacks in the audience. 
With crime down, Diggs asked Giulia- 
ni how the city would help future gen- 
erations avoid violence. "What," Diggs 
asked, "are ve going to do for those gen- 
tlemen to give them jobs?" 

In Mitchell Diggs, the mayor found 
his chance to be himself. 

“Just in asking the question, you're 
missing the point," Giuliani said. "The 
City of New York does not bring up chil- 
dren! Parents do!" As the crowd ap- 
plauded, the mayor raised the subject of 
child abuse, an issue seemingly unrelat- 
ed to Diggs’ query. “The reason a child is 
abused," Giuliani exclaimed, jabbing his 
forefinger in Diggs' direction,“is not be- 
cause of a social worker, it's not because 
of a teacher and it's not because of a po- 
lice officer. It's because some adult"—the 
mayor was shouting now—"some moth- 
er, some father or some boyfriend of the 
mother who shouldn't be living in the 
apartment in the first place beats the hell 
out of the kid!" 

By lecture's end, the crowd was roar- 
ing. Diggs might also have applauded, 
for he too believes in the concept of per- 
sonal responsibility. But he was trying to 
understand why Giuliani was shouting 
at him. 

The mayor, it seems, knows no other 
way—until, that is, he leaves New York 
for the national stage and transforms 
himself into Rudy Lite. It remains to be 
seen what America west of the Hudson 
will make of the two personalities. 


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LITTLE BiG MAN 

(continued from page 84) 
Cody, but I forgot my lines half the time 
even though they was the same night af- 
ter night and I was playing myself, so it 
didn't call for much acting on the face of 
it. But the fact is, hoss, the hardest thing 
I ever tried to do was to be a make-be- 
lieve Wild Bill Hickok. It got to be too 
much for me to be the real myself pre- 
tending to be the fake Wild Bill, speak- 
ing words written by some little fellow 
that never been west of Chicago, and 
shooting blank rounds, which foul up a 
barrel real awful. I got to drinking too 
much and having some fun to pass the 
time, like using live ammunition and fir- 
ing too close to the toes of them real 
actors, and they whined to Cody, who 
asked me to tone it down. But I couldn't 
take it for long, even though the pay was 
real good, the best I ever made. I ain't 
got Bill Cody's way with horseshit. Noth- 
ing against Bill, God bless him, he always 
dealt straight with me, but he's got a nat- 
ural talent for showmanship. I don't, 
that's for sure." He swallowed more of 
that awful whiskey and was just offering 
me the bottle when somebody spoke 
nearby. 

"This is what you been doing?" asked 
a peevish voice. It come from a fellow 
not much bigger than me but all duded 
up in fringed buckskin and wearing a 
pearl-handled pistol in a fancy holster 
held by a tooled belt with an enormous 
silver buckle. His hair was long and fair, 
as were his mustache and pointy little 
beard. “Sitting here with him and that 
bottle?" 
immer down, Charley," Wild Bill 
said in a mild tone. "Me and him are 
old friends from Kansas. Shake hands 
with T 

But as this dandy turned up his nose 
at the idea of meeting me, the shaking 
did not take place. 

“My pardner, Colorado Charley Ut- 
ter," Bill said, when the other went into 
a tent that was pitched nearby. Most of 
the other Deadwood tents was all torn 
and tattered, but the canvas of this 
one looked brand-new and was taut- 
stretched and well-pegged. “We got 
plans for an express service between 
here and Cheyenne." 

I had never seen Wild Bill so bluffed 
by anybody else. The next instant, out 
comes Charley Utter from his tent, say- 
ing, “Goddamn it, Bill, you been sleepin’ 
in my blankets again? They re all messed 
u 


Wild Bill smirks and shrugs. "I'm real 
sorry, pardner. They're nicer than that 
scratchy old Army blanket of mine." 

“1 want you to stay out of there,” Utter 
says. In the old da Wild Bill would 
have laughed in the face of a little fellow 
like that, as he had laughed at me first 
time I flared up at him. But now the 
once fearsome gunfighter only repeated 


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HOW 


‚Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can con- 
lact for information on where 
1o find this month's merchan- 
dise. To buy the apparel and 
equipment shown om pages 
26, 35-36, 80-81, 108- 
109, 112-113, 132 and 
167, check the listings below 
lo find the stores nearest. you. 


WIRED 
Page 26: “Net Tunes”: 
Technology and hard- 
ware by Rio, from Diamond Multime- 
dia and Samsung Electronics, www. 
mp3.com. "Wild Things": Portable 
e-mail device by Sharp Electronics, 800- 
237-4277. 


MANTRACK 

Page 35: "Water Rockets”: Powerboat 
by Magnum Marine, North Miami 
Beach, 305-931-4292. Page 36: “Guys 
Are Talking About . . .": Mouse, key- 
board and monitor by Oberhofer Hand- 
Crafted Computers, Beverly Hills, 310- 
246-0555 or 888-557-7786. J. Peterman 
Co., at Grand Central Station, NYC, 
212-490-1769, Lexington, KY, 606-268- 
0990, Troy, MI, 248-649-2263, Newport 
Beach, CA, 949-719-9884 or, to place 
an order or request a catalog, 800-231- 
7341. The Cigar Directory, from C.A.R. 
Ser в, Quincy, IL, 217-228-1950. 
Mail-order vines by Brooks Brothers Cel- 
lars from Geerlings & Wade, Canton, 
MA, 781-821-4152. Radar detector by 
Escort, 800-433-3487. 


FUTURE TIME 

Pages 80-81: Watches: By Omega, 800- 
76-OMEGA. By Tissot, at Tourneau, 800- 
284-7768. By TAG Heuer, 800-321- 
4832. By Swatch, 877-839-5223. By 
Panerai, 877-РАМЕВАІ. By Bulgari, 800- 
BULGARI. By Xemex, www.playboystore. 
com. (The watch is a limited edition of 
200.) By Ikepod, at the Art of Watch- 
making, 26 East 64 St., NYC, 212-588- 
8808 and Bergdorf Goodman, NYC, 
212-753-7300 or by e-mail, Boris@The 
Watchmuseum.com. By Seiko, 800-840- 
6980. By Ventura, at Tourneau, 800- 
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DIY STARTER KIT 
Pages 108-109: Keyboard, 
digital headphones, mas- 
tering tool, microphone, 
preamp and mixer from 
Guitar Center, 2366 N. Hal- 
sted, Chicago, IL, 773- 
327-5687 or www.guitar 
center.com. Powerbook by 
Apple Computer, 800-538- 
| 9696. Software by Cake- 
walk, 888-225-3925. Re- 
writable CD recorder by 
Yamaha Electronics, 888- 
926-2426. Microphone by Shure Broth- 
ers, 800-257-4873. 


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Pages 112-113: Suit, shirt and tie by 
Ralph Lauren Purple Label, at Polo/Ralph 
Lauren, NYC, 212-606-2100. Shoes 
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Leather jacket and sweater from Bar- 
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NYC, 212-826-8900, Beverly Hills, 310- 
276-4400 and Chicago, 312-587-1200. 
T-shirt from Banana Republic, 88-BR- 
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New York, NYC, 212-826-8900. Suit 
by Jil Sander, at Barneys New York, 
NYC, 212-826-8900, Beverly Hills, 310- 
276-4400 and Chicago, 312-587-1200. 
Sweater by Ralph Lauren Purple Label, 
and Tshirt by Ralph Lauren Underuear, 
NYC, 212-606-2100. 


KISS FOR SALE 

Page 132: Plaque, telephone and boxer 
shorts from Sony Signatures, 800-433- 
4111 or www.ssi.sony.com. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 167: “New Year's Eve 1999: Plan 
B": Bitter End Yacht Club, 800-872-2392. 
Long Beach Bay Resort from Island De: 
nations, 800-729-9599. Couples resort, 
800-268-7537. Copacabana Palace Hotel 
from Orient Express Hotels, 800-237- 
1236. Rihga Royal Hotel, 800-937-5454. 
Park Hyatt Hotel (PA), 800-233-1234. 
Windsor Court Hotel, 800-262-2662. Le 
Meridien Hotel, 800-543-4300. Orient 
Express, 800-237-1236. Silversea Cruises, 
800-722-9055, Susan Jones is also au- 
thor of New Year's 1999, published by 
Open Road Publishing, available at 
your local bookstore. 


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his apology. When Utter went back into 
the tent, where he could be heard fuss- 
ing with his property, Bill says to me, 
*He's a good friend and has got a real 
head for running businesses. My own. 
specialty is the ideas: I don't always have 
the knack for the practical details." He 
tilts his head back ull the rear of the brim 
of his big hat, touching him between the 
shoulders, stops him, at which he re- 
moves the sombrero so as to align his 
throat with the verticaled bottle, and he 
drains the remaining liquid in the latter 
down the former. Now that he is mo- 
mentarily bareheaded for the first time 
since I become reacquainted with him, I 
see his hair is thinning in front, and I got 
a right funny feeling, for Custer too was 
losing some hair on top, which is why the 
Indians claimed they never scalped him. 
Never knowing baldness themselves, red- 
skins see it as still another strange and 
distasteful thing about whites, whereas 
they find cutting off an enemy's crown- 
ing glory and hanging it on their belt. 
perfectly normal and even admirable, 
and when I lived as a Cheyenne I admit 
so did I. 

Having emptied the bottle, Wild Bill 
tossed it over his shoulder into the area 
between his wagon and Charley Utter's 
tent, and no sooner than he did, out. 
come Colorado Charley, who picked it 
up and brought it back to hand to Wild 
Bill without a word. 

“Oh,” Wild Bill says. “Sorry about 
that." 

“If you're back here this time of day,” 
says Utter, “you already lost the money 
you was advanced.” 

Hickok replaced his hat. “Well, you 
wouldn't believe the hands that 1 had, 
Charley." 

Charley hooked his thumbs in that 
fancy gunbelt. He hmmphed and said, 
“It's like that every single day, ain't it?” 

Wild Bill got to his feet real slowly. He 
didn't seem to be drunk though he had 
undoubtedly been drinking for hours 
before he topped it off with the remain- 
der of that bottle. But he could still ap- 
parendy hold his liquor as of old. 

He tossed the empty bottle up into the 
wagon and clumb up to follow it. “I’m 
going to catch 40 winks, so I'm rested for 
tonight's game." Then, on hands and 
knees, he looked down at me. “Hoss, if 
you ain't got a place to stay, why there's 
lots of room here, and I got an extra 
blanket if you don't mind the smell of 
horse.” 

“Right nice of you, Bill,” says I. When 
he had crawled back into the interior, 1 
told Colorado Charley I wouldn't do it if 
he objected, for I wasn’t in no position to 
make enemies at this time. 

“Hell, that’s between he and you,” 
Charley said in a kinder tone than he 
had used theretofore. “I noticed you 
ain't a drinker.” 

He had been watching Wild Bill from 


his tent. "Never to excess," I said, which 
was true except when it wasn't. 

“You don't look like you've had the 
best luck lately.” 

“Thank you for noticing,” I says, but 
then decided it sounded too sarcastic, so 
I added, “That ain't the half 

"Well, spare me the facts," Charley 
says hastily. “I got an offer for you. 
There are them in Deadwood who like it 
fine without law, and maybe I agree with 
them up to a point, but some think Wild. 
Bill come up here to be marshal, like he 
was in Abilene, and will clean up the 
town. They're wrong about that, but I 
hear they might be gunning for him. 
Nobody's going to come at him straight 
on, I tell you that. He might of lost some 
of his powers, but he's still better than 
anybody hereabouts." Charley fingered 
his fair mustache and goatee. I found it 
amazing that he looked as clean and 
shiny as he did in that place. “What wor- 
ries me is he might get absentminded 
while playing cards." He glanced with 
concern up at the wagon and spoke in a. 
lowered, confidential-type voice. “Also 
lately he's been feeling real low. He told 
me the other day he thinks his days is 
numbered." 

"He ain't the Wild Bill I once 
knowed,” I told him. “I'll swear to that. 
But maybe he'll change if he begins to 
win at poker." 

Colorado Charley screwed his face up. 
“He told me he wrote a letter to the same 
effect to that new wife of his. Now, ain't 
that some weddin' present!" He had 
raised his voice some to say this, and he 
glanced up at the wagon again as he 
lowered it. "Now, what I want to offer 
you your name is?" I told him, and 
he continued. "I'll pay you to keep an 
eye on him. I'll give you a dollar a day, 
which seems to me mighty generous 
considering all you got to do is watch his 
back." 

I can't be condemned for trying to 
sweeten the deal. “Bodyguarding Wild 
Bill Hickok ought to pay a little better 
than that.” 

“Did I say bodyguard? Bill don't need 
none, and from the looks of you, you 
couldn't do much anyway, and I ain't go- 
ing to supply you with no firearms. What 
Tm talking about is just keeping an eye 
on him—and just when he's pla 
cards. Rest of the time I’m with him, 
or California Joe Milner or his other 
friends. You see something funny going 
on behind his back, you give a holler. 
He'll do the rest himself. He can still use 
а gun better n anybody who'd go up 
against him: He can see that good.” 

I didn't like his insults, but a dollar a 
day would keep me going till something 
better turned up, so I accepted his offer 
but did ask why he trusted me. How'd 
he know I wasn't one of them who want- 
ed Wild Bill rubbed out? 

"You'd of made your move by now," 
says Colorado Charley. 


He wasn't necessarily right about that, 
but not wanting him to mistrust me after 
all, I didn't say anything more on the 
subject, but I did promise to show up 
that evening at the No. 10 Saloon and. 
watch Wild Bill's back, then walk him 
home ard collect my dollar. 


1 got to No. 10 before Wild Bill showed 
up, but the poker game was already in 
progress. I explained to Harry the bar- 
tender I was working for Colorado 
Charley Utter, but he said I couldn't sit 
there unless I was drinking, so I waited 
outside till Wild Bill showed up, which 
he did before long, looking none the 
worse for all the liquor he had drunk 
earlier. 

“Charley says you're working for us 
now,” says he. 

“You know about that?” 

“I'm not too proud to have somebody 
watching my back. Way I've lasted up till 
now is not because I'm faster or shoot 
straighter than every one of them I've 
gone up against. It's because I never lie 
to myself. I never lied much to others, 
but I would do so if my life depended 
on it, like everybody else. But not to 
myself.” 

“All I can do is holler,” I told him. “I 
ain't got no gun.” 

“Just as well, hoss,” said Wild Bill. 
“You might shoot yourself in your manly 
parts.” 

This jibe irked me some, for it was 
him, back in Kansas City, who taught me 
to use a pistol well. “Your pal Harry Sam 
Young won't let me hang around with- 
out spending money, and Charley won't 
be paying me till later.” 

"I'll speak to Harry," Wild Bill said. 
“Now, about Charley, such money as he 
advances me for cards ain't his own but 
from the funds of our partnership. I 
threw my savings into the pot, which he 
manages better than I ever could, but 
I'm not on his charity." 

"This information made me feel better 
about him. *I ain't forgot I owe you two. 
dollars, Bill." 

"You'll pay me when you can," says he 
and saunters through the door into No. 
10 looking more like the old Wild Bill 
than I seen him for a while. One of the 
fellows at the card table wanted to vacate 
his stool immediately, though I don't 
think the hand was finished, so influen- 
tial a presence was Wild Bill Hickok, but 
the latter grandly waved him down and. 
stepped over to the bar, where Harry 
had already poured him onc. 

Wild Bill swallowed the whiskey, then 
throwed a thumb towards me and says, 
“This little fellow is working for me 'n* 
Charley. Put him on my tab, don't serve 
him so much he can't see.” He laughed 
at that statement. 

As it happened, all I swallowed that 
evening was some of the coffee which 
Harry, like all bartenders I ever met, 


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drank instead of what he sold. Unfortu- 
nately they didn't serve no food there, 
and 1 guess Harry had already ate his 
supper, so there wasn't anything I could. 
mooch. I just stayed there, watching 
Wild Bill's back for hours while they 
played hand after band, with the usual 
curses, grunts and other such noises 
made by the participants that don't 
mean anything whatever to anyone not 
in the game. 

But what was special, I gathered, was 
that Wild Bill was winning for a change. 
After a while, onc of the original players, 
being busted, had to drop out, and the 
same short fellow with the same sandy 
mustache and slightly crossed eyes who 
had took Wild Bill's place the day before 
come over from where he had been 
watching the game to claim the vacated 
stool, as he had taken Wild Bill's place 
that afternoon. But now Wild Bill stayed 
in the game, winning hand after hand, 
his luck still holding, and before long 
this man too was cleaned out, and he 
pushed away from the table, looking 
more sad than mad. 

"Damn," says he, head down, "I ain't 
got enough left to get a bite to eat." 

Wild Bill stood up too. "Look here, 
Jack, I done well tonight after a long run 
of bad luck. I'd be proud to stake you to 
your supper." He picked up some of the 
piled coins in front of him and proffered 
them to this Jack McCall, as Harry 
Young told me he was called. 

McCall took the money, nodding, still 
not looking at Wild Bill, and left the. 
premises. 

To the other players Wild Bill said he 
was turning in, being not as youthful as 
he once was, but tomorrow would give 
them all their chance to get even. 

We walked back to the wagon. It was 
still early enough on the midsummer 
evening to see our way there without a 
lantern. 

"You must of give me luck, hoss," said 
Wild Bill. “1 always square my debts, 
so you're getting a dollar bonus for to- 
night, and I'm also canceling what you 
owe me." 

“That's mighty generous of you, Bill.” 

"Well, I want to do it while I can, for 
luck that's good today won't necessarily 
hold on forever, or even tomorrow." He 
was taking such long strides, tall as he 
was, I had to make two for every one of 
his. "Custer's luck," he says. "He was fa- 
mous for it, till it went bad.” 

I considered trying again to tell him 
a first-person account of the Little Big- 
horn fight, but decided against taking 
the chance as yet, for 1 needed this job. 

“I believe you was acquainted with 
him." 

"And liked him," said Wild Bill. “1 had 
to shoot a couple of his men when four 
or five of them jumped me once in Hays, 
and I had a difference of opinion one 
time with his brother Tom, but the gen- 


156 eral was always mighty nice to me. Cou- 


ple years back, he complimented me in 
the written word, or so I was told. His la- 
dy isa fine woman, and now a widow at 
a tender age, poor little gal." 

"Beautiful," I says with feeling. “I saw 
her once." 

“Well,” Bill says with that new sancti- 
moniousness of his, “you might be right 
about that, hoss, but I am married to the 
most beautiful lady in the world myself.” 

1 figure his eyesight must be even 
worse than I thought, on the basis of that 
photograph of his Aggie, but naturally 
did not say anything, and wc had by now 
arrived at the camp, where 1 was looking 
forward to getting my wages from Col- 
orado Charley. 

But when I peeked into the door ofhis 
tent, the interior of which was arranged 
neat as a hotel room in a city, with a cot 
and square-folded blankets, a leather- 
strapped trunk, and a nice hide rug on 
the ground, no Charley was in evidence. 

When I informed Wild Bill, who was 
still standing there breathing the eve- 
ning air with apparent satisfaction be- 
fore mounting the wagon, he said, “He's 
probably down to the bathhouse. He 
missed his bath this morning, being too 
busy at the time. He takes one every day 
whether he needs it or not. He's famous 
for that habit." 

“I thought the same was true of your- 
self, Bill." 

“Not to that extreme,” says he, and by 
now it was getting too dark to accurately 
judge by his expression if he was joking. 
He goes into the pocket of the rock coat 
where he had put his winnings and with- 
draws two dollars and drops them clink- 
ing into my now outthrust hand. "There 
you go, hoss. After you drink it all up, if 
you want to come back and bunk in the 
wagon, kindly don't kick me when you 
climb in. You'll find that extra blanket in 
back. 

I went back to town to find the place, 
a kind of lean-to open on three sides, 
where a burly woman, one of the few fe- 
males in Dead wood at the time not work- 
ing as a harlot, cooked up beans and the 
stone-heavy loaves she called bread, in 
which you was likely to find not just hairs 
but whole strands as well as other sub- 
stances not so easily identified. 

I was still real hungry. "Ain't you got 
no meat?" I asked the cook. 

"Had some couple days back but ate it 
myself," says she, shifting the wad in her 
jaw and spreading the feet beneath her 
so she could spit between them. I reckon 
the unusual flavor her beans had was 
from spattered tobacco juice. Гуе ate 
a lot worse than that when famished, 
which, like the Cheyennes who raised. 
me, I so often was as a young man. “It 
wasn't no goddamn good, so you didn't 
miss nothing. And you could not of af- 
forded it nohow." 

I've got a policy of seldom pessing up. 
an insult when I'm in a position to an- 
swer, so 1 says, “You think you run the 


grand dining room ofthe Palace Hotel?" 

She spits again, this time right near 
me, and grins with her teeth brown in 
the light from the lantern that hung 
from a nail in a support pole. 

I went back to get a night's rest in 
Wild Bill's wagon, which was real cozy in 
the rear where I slept. Wild Bill seemed 
asleep when I stepped past him, and I 
thought if I could so easily gain access 
to the wagon, so could an assassin, but. 
Colorado Charley had not hired me 
to guard him 24 hours a day, without 
a wcapon, and 1 was real tuckered out 
by then. 

I had a good sleep that night, waking 
up at dawn to look over and see Wild 
Bill's blanket already empty. By time I 
got up and out and took a leak, careful 
to keep well a: from Charley Utter's 
tent, and returned, 1 see Wild Bill's tall 
figure oncoming at a brisk pace up the 
gulch. 

"You're up and at 'em," I says when he 
gets there. 

"Generally at first light," says he, "I 
trot down for a wake-me-up.” 

“Get your coffee from that big gal who 
cooks beans?" 

“Whiskey's what I mean, hoss. Cof- 
fee'd put me back to sleep." 

Colorado Charley come out of his tent 
at this point, looking bandbox fresh as 
always, and according to Wild Bill went 
off to arrange a competition in which 
their pony express went up against a 
rival outfit to see who could run the 
Cheyenne newspaper up to Deadwood 
the fastest. 

I throwed some water оп my face from 
the rain barrel Wild Bill pointed out, 
and having got his schedule said I'd see 
him around noon and went into town. 
No. 10 was crowded at midday as always, 
by which I mean a dozen or so persons, 
for it wasn't spacious. A game was in 
progress with three players, one of them. 
occupying Wild Bill's favored place, that. 
which had a view of the front and back 
doors and only a wall behind it. Carl 
Mann, part owner of the joint with a 
man named Jerry Lewis, was one of the 
men at the table, and a gent called Cap- 
tain W.R. Massie, who like old Sam 
Clemens had been a Mississippi river- 
man, was another. 

I went outside and leaned against the 
raw boards of the wall and begun to 
think about a deal for myself. If I per- 
formed in the current part-time employ- 
ment to Colorado Charley's satisfaction, 
then maybe he would promote me to 
something better in his express opera- 
tion. My luck had turned up on running 
into Wild Bill Hickok. 

Who I now saw coming along the 
street, looking real tall and stately in his 
sparkling clean-looking linen (which he 
must not have worn to bed in the wag- 
on), Prince Albert coat and wide som- 
brero, walking the confident way he had 
in the old days when he was the most 


feared man on the frontier, with eyes like 
an eagle. 

But he never recognized me now till 
he almost reached the door of No. 10. 

“Hoss,” says he, blinking, like I ap- 
peared out of nowhere. "I been looking 
for you. Step over here for a spell.” He 
moves to the corner of the building. 

He stares down at the rough wood 
boards underneath us, an uncharacteris- 
tic thing for him, for there was nothing 
significant to see at our feet. "I got this 
feeling my days are numbered. I can't 
shake it off." He raised his head and 
looked at the high and cloudless sky on 
that August day in Dakota Territory, 
which reminded me some of the one i 
June over the Greasy Grass, and he said, 
"If your number's up, you've got to go.” 
He shrugs. 

His voice had taken on such a melan- 
choly tone that to change the subject to 
something lighter, I says, "Ever notice 
how most everybody you meet west of St. 
Louie turns out to be named either Bill 
or Jack?" 

This had the desired effect. Wild Bill 
brooded on the matter for a moment, 
and then he threw back his head and 
uttered a big gufiaw. "You're a comical 
little fellow, and that's a fact, hoss. My 
own real name ain't even Bill, but Jim. 
Which seemed to amuse him even more, 
so he was feeling good when he strode 
into No. 10, as usual attracting the atten- 
tion of all present. Nobody paid me any 
mind, bringing up the rear. 

I glanced over the little crowd again 
but still couldn't see nobody who looked 
like a threat to anybody's life but their 
own, if they kept drinking like that. Sev- 
eral wasn't even carrying visible weapon- 
ту, which didn't mean they didn't have 
any hid out, but ifso it would take longer 
10 bring it into play, by which time even 
a somewhat impaired Wild Bill could 
have emptied five cylinders into their vi- 
tal areas. 

All of them except one or two soon 
turned to the bar, backs to the game. 
Speaking of backs, Wild Bill sat down on 
the empty stool that presented his own 
spine to the world at large. It was a man 
name of Charley Rich who had Bill's ha- 
bitual seat on the wall side. Wild Bill 
thought it only a temporary arrange- 
ment, for he says, "Let's swap places, 
Charley. You got mine.” 

Rich snickers and says, "There's no- 
body in Deadwood man enough to take 
you on, even from behind. You know 
that, Bill." 

So Wild Bill had sat down, but he asks 
again a little while later, and Rich just 
shrugged, exa g the hand he had 
been dealt, while Captain Bill Massie 
says with good-natured impatience, 
"Come on, Bill, 1 wanna win back what 
you took off me last night." The other 
player was Carl Mann, as before, and he 
too had no interest in the subject. 

So Wild Bill begins to play without 


further complaint, maybe because he 
was counting on me to do my job be- 
hind him. I say this with the guilt that 
has bothered me ever since, whenever I 
think ofthis episode, and not till this mo- 
ment have I found the nerve to tell of my 
role, or lack of it, in what happened that 
August 2, 1876, in the No. 10 Saloon. 
But here it is now, blame me if you vill. 
Wild Bill proceeded to lose hand after 
hand this evening, and Captain Massie 
did win back his losses and more, to the 
point at which Wild Bill was out of the 
ready money, and he twists on the stool 
and calls me over to him. What he wants 


is for me to get him 15 dollars’ worth of 


pocket checks from Harry Sam Young 
at the bar. 

So I tell Harry, and he says all right, he 
would bring them himself, and while he 
was doing that, the door opens and in 
comes that cockeyed fellow Jack McCall 
who Wild Bill had staked to supper the 
night before. Now, McCall was nothing 
to look at except if you wanted the per- 
fect picture of a loser, so as he slinks 
along the bar I don’t pay no further at- 
tention to him, he being if not a close pal 
of Wild Bill's then an acquaintance any- 
how, who Wild Bill furthermore had 
lately befriended. 

What I was doing instead was keeping 
an eye beyond McCall on the rear door, 
through which a bowlegged, red-mus- 
tached fellow had lately entered, show- 
ing a horse tied up right outside, a fact 
that bothered me a little, as if it was for a 
quick getaway. But that man proved to 
be no trouble, just drinking whiskey at 
the bar. 

My attention was claimed by Wild Bill 
saying, with some spirit, to the river cap- 
tain Massie, "You broke me on that 
hand!" 

And right at that point Jack McCall, 
now directly behind Wild Bill's stool, 
cursed loudly and brought up a pistol so 
close the muzzle all but touched him, 
and he shot Wild Bill through the back 
of the head, just under the brim of the 
sombrero, which flew off in the short 
forward pitch of the body, after which 
Wild Bill went over backwards off the 
stool and crashed onto the floor like a 
felled tree. 

Still cursing at his fallen victim, Jack 
McCall next turned his smoking gun 
on everybody else at hand, shouting, 
"Come on, you sons of bitches, and get 
yours!" He keeps pulling the trigger, but 
his weapon proves defective after that 
one cowardly shot that dropped the 
greatest of all gunfighters and never 
fires again, so he drops it, and at that I 
run at him, but he's quick out the back 
door, and by the time I get there he's 
mounted that horse right outside and 
starts to ride away, but the cinch was 
loose and he don't get far before the sad- 
dle slips off the horse, him sprawling 
with it. 

I'm almost on him at that point but 


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PLAYBOY 


158 


stumbled on something hard in them 
soft-soled Indian moccasins, laming me 
briefly, and he gains ground. We was out 
on the main street now, and the people 
rushing out of No. 10 had joined the 
chase, yelling, "Wild Bill's shot! il 
Wild Bill, get the little bastard,” and the 
like, with McCall still out well ahead of 
us, but then he does a fool thing for him- 
self, ducks into one of the stores there 
which turns out to be Jake Shroudy's 
butcher shop, and I run in and corner 
the yellow skunk cowering behind a 
bloody side of beef hanging from a hook 
in the ceiling, and though he is if on 
the small side still bigger than me, I pull 
outand draw my knife to cut out his 
gizzard, but the others who now arrive. 
stopped me, presumably in the name of 
the law which did not exist in Deadwood 
at that time. 

If you're wondering why revenge 
seemed to mean more to me than Wild 
Bill's health, why I chased McCall in- 
stead of checking to see if my friend was 
still alive and could have been helped, all 
I can say is I seen enough violent deaths 
by that time in my life to recognize one 
that took place within a few feet of me. 
You get shot through the head point- 
blank with a lead slug the weight of them 
used in those days, you was a goner be- 
yond all doubt. 

And it could be seen as my fault. I 
knew Colorado Charley would sure see 
itthat way. The least I could do was catch 


the killer. After 1 done that but was pre- 
vented from doing him in on the spot, 
I sadly returned to No. 10. The others 
took McCall someplace where they held 
him, there being no jail 

They had already locked the saloon 
up, waiting for the doctor to come, and I 
had to talk Harry Young, the state he 
was in, into letting me enter. First other 
person I seen was Captain Bill Massie, 
with his forearm wrapped in a bloody 
kerchief. The bullet that killed Wild Bill 
had passed through his brain to strike 
Massie, across the table, in the wrist. 

Wild Bill's body lay on its side, his 
knees bent in the position they had as- 
sumed when he had sat down to play 
poker. From the flow around him, it 
looked like he had already lost every 
drop of blood that ever circulated 
through his tall person. His fingers too 
was bent as they had been when he held 
his last hand, but the cards had stayed 
on the table: the aces of spades and clubs 
and two black eights, ever afterward 
known as the Dead Man's Hand. 

Finally, in hurried the aproned barber 
whose shop I had visited the day before 
on the money Wild Bill give me. He 
turned out to be the local doctor as well, 
which was not necessarily as bad as it 
sounds, for haircutters learned how to 
staunch wounds, apply bandages, etc., 
and Doc Pierce acted like he knew his 
way around a corpse. 

Colorado Charley Utter made his ap- 


COCHRAN! 


“She makes good grades and she practices safe sex, so I suppose 
3 d should overlook the stogies." 


pearance not long after. It took him a 
while to get around to me, and I could 
have avoided him that night if 1 had 
tried, but like I say I did believe I was at 
fault, so after they carried Wild Bill out 
to prepare him for burial, probably at 
Doc Pierce's barbershop, I went up to 
Utter, who was talking to Carl Mann, 
and I says, “All right, Charley, shoot me 
if you want." 

“I heard what happened,” says he. 
“You couldn't have done much about it, 
with him sitting where he was. There's 
nothing can be done about somebody 
who decides his number's up." He nods 
in his decisive way and goes back to a 
practical discussion of funeral arrange- 
ments with Mann. That's the kind of fel- 
low Charley was and why he was a good 
businessman. And next day he gave 
Wild Bill a good send-off, out there at 
their camp. 

The coffin had been quickly pounded 
together from some pine boards of the 
type used as siding on the Deadwood 
shops, but it was made presentable by 
covering the outside with black cloth and 
the interior was lined with white. Wild 
Bill himself looked nice, his long hair all 
cleaned of blood and brushed out, the 
big mustache with a more agreeable 
curve in death than the melancholy 
droop it had lately acquired in life. You 
could hardly see the wound the slug had 
made on exiting through the cheek, like 
only a little scratch. Doc Pierce was al- 
so an accomplished undertaker, having 
much practice locally. He had even, so 
somebody said, changed Wild Bill's un- 
derwear for clean, though that sounds 
like Colorado Charley's idea. And Wild 
Bill Hickok did not go into the afterlife 
unarmed: his Sharps rifle lay alongside 
the body. As to his famous ivory-handled 
six-guns, somebody must have walked 
away with them between his death and 
now, for they wasn't buried with him or 


Once Wild Bill had been lowered into 
his mountainside grave, the assembled 
throng rushed back in a mob to the town 
saloons and had I not been quick on my 
feet Га ofbeen trampled down. Within a 
few seconds nobody was left but Charley 
Utter and, standing back a ways in re- 
spect, me. Charley had found a rock and 
was using it to hammer a flat board into 
the earth at one of its short ends. When 
he finished, I went close enough to 
where I could read what was cut or real- 
ly scratched into the wood with a knife- 
point. I can't quote it verbatim after all 
these years, but I do recall that after giv- 
ing Wild Bill's age and day of death at 
the hands of Jacl McCall, Charley Utter 
had wrote, "Goodbye Pard Till We Meet 
in the Happy Hunting Ground." 

I was right affected by the sentiment. 
Them two really was good friends, un- 
like me and Wild Bill, who I knew for a 
number of years but would have to ad- 
mit not closely for all that. In fact, I was 


privately critical of him for a large part, 
maybe mostly because of envy, even 
though all in all he done me a number of 
favors. 

Charley had been alone with his 
thoughts, but when he turned to head 
back to his camp, he noticed me. Now, in 
distinction to the way he acted in the No. 
10 Saloon just after Wild Bill was mur- 
dered, he narrows his eyes to mean slits, 
and he says, with real bad feeling, a hand 
on the butt of the gun in the holster at 
his hip, "If I ever see you again, ГЇ kill 

ou.” 

“What?” I was not prepared for this. 

“You heard me.” 

“You said you wasn't blaming me,” I 
reminded him. 

^] wasn't standing by his grave at the 
time,” said Charley Utter. “God damn 

ou!” 

“Allright,” I told him. "I got it coming, 
1 admit, and you have a right to hold me 
responsible. I do myself. I'm leaving 
Deadwood directly anyway.” 

Charley drew his pistol. “By God, 1 
think ТЇЇ kill you anyway. You rotten lit- 
tle son of a bitch, to stand there and lie 
through your teeth on a sad occasion 
like this.” His eyes was bulging with fury, 
and I judged it would not be long before 
he couldn't restrain his trigger finger, so 
I didn’t try to make the point that he 
ought to first shoot Jack McCall, but 
went away as ordered and kept going 
without looking back, taking the shortest 
route out of town. 

In the days to come I heard about 
what happened to Jack McCall, who was 
tried right away for the cold-blooded 
murder committed before the eyes of 
a dozen witnesses, but was found not 
guilty by a jury of Deadwood miners, a 
number of who even cheered him on an- 
nouncing their verdict, and despite all 
the threats by Wild Bill's friends, the 
murderer left town with his skin intact. 

But before long it was determined that 
the first trial had been illegal, due to 
Deadwood's own illegality as a town, be- 
ing part of an Indian reservation! Which 
was real ironic, for none of the Ameri- 
cans would of been there, including 
General Custer, had the treaty forbid- 
ding them from the area not been bro- 
ken when gold was discovered in the 
Black Hills on land guaranteed to be- 
long to the Sioux unto eternity. 

Anyway, a few weeks later Jack McCall 
was rearrested and retried in Yankton, 
and they hanged the bastard. Nobody 
ever knew for sure why he did the deed, 
and his own explanation was a barefaced 
lie: He never had a brother for Wild 
Bill to kill. Probably he was hired by 
people who was afraid Wild Bill Hickok 
would bring law to unlawful Deadwood— 
there's another example of how reali- 
ty can be at odds with what's supposed 


to be. 
У] 


CAN'T KILL ROCK 


(continued from page 118) 


most without anybody's permission. The 
industry thinks this is illegal. Some art- 
ists agree, others (Pearl Jam's Stone Gos- 
sard, for instance) don't. In an effort to 
join them before being beaten, the in- 
dustry and the executives of the five ma- 
jor labels said they will work with tech 
companies to prepare a standard for de- 
livery of music over the Internet by the 
end of this year. 

But if Keith Richards is right, will it 
matter if the record companies become 
extinct? If the labels can declare artists 
expendable, regardless of talent, why 
shouldn't the public be able to declare 
the labels expendable, regardless of how 
music has been circulated for the past 
century? The fact is, the most passionate 
musicmakers have operated in ways 
business can barely detect. Rap acts and 
rock bands alike are born on the street, 
folksingers still have their network of 
clubs and coffechouses, and best of all, 
this music circulates on mix tapes as of- 
ten as on official record and tape relcas- 
es. In entire cultures of music—rap, 
techno and just about every kind of 
hard-core dance music—the deejays 
who play the records are more impor- 
tant than the musicians and singers who 
make them. Who needs a concert pro- 


moter if you're staging a rave for 5000 
people— probably a bigger audience 
than Buddy Holly ever saw in his life— 
somewhere off in the woods? CDs sound 
just as good if they're made in some- 
body's basement or garage and pressed. 
for a company whose headquarters is an 
apartment house in Philadelphia, not a 
skyscraper in Manhattan. 

In short, there's going to be music. 
"There was music for millennia before 
there were record companies. Musicians 
will find a way to get paid. They always 
have, back to the troubadours. Given 
current record company economics, mu- 
sicmakers might be paid better in a 
world without the business. 

If what you want is music, there is 
great stuff out there in every style, from 
jazz to heavy metal. Some of it is old, but 
an amazing amount of it is new and ex- 
citing. To find it, you have to want some- 
thing other than a little noise to accom- 
pany you while you're stuck in traffic, 
and you have to do a little work. Finding 
it requires some of the gritand rebellion 
that said rock and roll would never die. 

If you're not willing to go that far, it’s 
OK. The record business is the business 
of instant gratification. I'll have a new 
version of the Spice Girls any day now. 


"When I took out the loan, I sincerely believed I'd hit 
the lottery before it came due." 


159 


PLAYBOY 


Reporter's Моїероок continued from page 51) 


Starr provided the black powder and defined the tar- 
gels. He did this with no legal authority. 


investigations were uncalled for. 

The biggest trials (e.g., Reagan's secre- 
tary of labor Raymond Donovan, Rea- 
gan's longtime advisor Lyn Nofzigerand 
White House aides Oliver North and 
john Poindexter) resulted in acquiuals 
‘or were reversed on appeal. The prem- 
isc of the law as a tool for removing cor- 
ruption in high places (the type of con- 
duct that occurred during Watergate) is 
not well-founded. 

"The federal offenses that are consum- 
ing millions of dollars and endless ycars 
of effort to prosecute are more often 
than not petty, small-time stuff. They're 
far removed from the serious abuses of 
power in high places that prompted the 
law. For example, independent counsels 
have investigated cocaine use (Carter 
aide Jordan and campaign manager 
Tim Kraft), lobbying after leaving office 
(Reagan aides Michael Deaver and Nof- 
ziger), lying—not under oath—to Con- 
gress (Iran-contra targets North, Poin- 
dexter and Elliott Abrams), failure to file 
an income tax return (Reagan Justice 
Department official Lawrence Wallace), 
misuse of presidential candidate С 
ton's passport files (Bush's State Depart- 
ment and White House staff), firing 
White House travel office employees and 
misuse of FBI files (Clinton White 
House aides), accepting sports tickets, 
luggage and a crystal bowl from long- 
time friends subject to regulation by his 
department (Clinton agriculture secre- 
tary Mike Espy) and making a false state- 
ment to the FBI about a mistress (Clin- 
ton HUD secretary Henry Cisneros). 

One experienced Watergate prosecu- 
tor told me that, given enough time and 
money, any overzealous federal prosecu- 
tor could indict anyone, because sooner 
or later that person would either violate 
one of the myriad federal laws or make a 
mistake during the course of the investi- 
gation. Unlimited time and resources to 


Le HAVE 
OTH. SEM 


pursue a target have thus become stan- 
dard operating procedure under the IC 
law. This, of course, is how the govern- 
ment investigates the Mob, gangs and 
drug dealers. Independent counsels of- 
ten hire career prosecutors experienced 
in pursuing tough criminals to go after 
their targets, and they can employ every. 
investigative tactic except wiretapping 
(though, as Monica Lewinsky learned, 
there are ways around that problem). 

The media (except for The Washing- 
ton Post, of course) that missed the story 
of Nixon's dirty deeds during the early 
days of Watergate appear determined 
never again to give the benefit of the 
doubt to any Washington official. Many 
in the media now assume an official is 
probably guilty of whatever wrongdoing 
with which he is charged. Those in gov- 
ernment must, in effect, prove their in- 
nocence. The IC law has worked well for 
Congress in this atmosphere. 

Independent counsel investigations, 
rather than the inciting conduct, often 
lead to the most-serious criminal charges, 
such as perjury before a grand jury or 
obstruction of justice. When Agriculture 
Secretary Mike Espy learned he may 
have violated a law by accepting gifts 
from friends, he sent letters explaining 
his mistake and reimbursed his friends 
or returned the gifts. The IC charged 
him with mail fraud. 

When reporting the closing argu- 
ments against Espy, The New York Times 
noted the trial had been “not only about 
Mr. Espy but also about the wisdom and 
effectiveness of the law that allows for 
the appointment of independent coun- 
sels to investigate accusations of wrong- 
doing by senior administration officials.” 
In the coming months Congress will fo- 
cus on this law, and two counsels will at- 
tract the most attention: Donald Smaltz 
(who went to trial and lost against Mike 
Espy) and Kenneth Starr. 


Donald Smaltz (the first and, to date, 
any independent counsel with a Web 
оу) argues for the continuation 
of the law, but with amendments. As is 
evident from the many recent bar associ- 
ation and law school conferences on this 
law, Smaltz' activities as an IC are a case 
study on what has gone wrong with this 
law. He spent $20 million to prosecute 
alleged improprieties relating to $35,000 
worth of gifts. (Espy estimates the value 
to be far less.) Espy received these gifts 
from longtime friends over an extended 
period of time and did nothing of an of- 
ficial nature in return. If Smaltz did not 
shoot himself in the foot when he filed 
this case, he certainly did when he con- 
dluded it. After Espy's acquittal, Smaltz 
said that “the actual indictment of a pub- 
lic official may in fact be as great a deter- 
rent as a conviction.” That is a frighten- 
ing statement, which one Espy lawyer 
called Kafkaesque. But it's not as fright- 
ening as Starr's activities. 

Without question the Starr investiga- 
tion of Clinton and Lewi; makes the 
most compelling case for ending the in- 
dependent counsel law. Not because 
Starr may have proceeded without au- 
thority in commencing the investigation 
of Lewinsky, nor because he ignored 
Justice Department regulations in call- 
ing Monica's mother. Not because he 
pushed the law against the wishes of the 
Justice and "Ireasury Departments and 
forced Secret Service agents to testify 
about the president. And not even be- 
cause he may have leaked secret grand 
jury information to hurt the targets of 
his investigation. What Starr has done is 
far more dangerous. 

Rather than merely conducting an 
overly aggressive criminal investigation, 
he has rewritten the IC law and estab- 
lished a precedent that may affect our 
government's stability. By building a 
case for impeachment in the secrecy of a 
grand jury and by using his powers to 
gather evidence to overturn a national 
election, he has made himself an im- 
peachment counsel. That is Kafkaesque. 

Starr has been around Washington 
long enough to know the House Judicia- 
ry Committee isn't very good at investi- 
gating (and I speak as a former chief 


minority counsel of that committee)—so 
he did it for them. Starr also knew that 
the House would find his impeachment 
work irresistible. He, in effect, assembled 
the munitions fora little legislative coup, 
a putsch by a group of right-wing Re- 
publican ideologues hell-bent on impos- 
ing their will on a nation that has reject- 
ed them at the polls. Starr provided the 
black powder and defined the targets for 
the most powerful political weapon in 
the constitutional arsenal: the impeach- 
ment process. He did this with no legal 
authority. 

There is nothing in the independent 
counsel law that authorizes a counsel to 
become an investigator or advocate for 
impeachment. That is why Sam Dash, 
Starr’s ethics advisor, a Georgetown law 
professor and Senate Watergate Com- 
mittee chief counsel, resigned. The law 
merely instructs the independent coun- 
sel to “advise the House of Represen- 
tatives of any substantial and credible 
information which such independent 
counsel receives, in carrying out the 
independent counsel's responsibilities 
under this chapter, that may constitute 
grounds for an impcachment.” The law 
does not authorize an IC to investigate 
for impeachable offenses, and he is in- 
structed to report only what he receives 
in carrying out his responsibilities under 
the law. 

Even though the Constitution is quite 
clear (Article I, Section 2: “The House of 
Representatives . . . shall have the sole 
power of impcachment"), the partisan 
House ignored its responsibility and wel- 
comed Starr's referral (you won't find 
anything about "referrals" in the law, ei- 
ther) of alleged impeachable offenses by 
President Clinton. The House Judiciary 
Committee used Starr's information as if 
he were an impeachment investigator 
for the House of Representatives. This is 
a remarkable relinquishment of respon- 
sibility. It may even be a delegation of 
authority to every IC to look for im- 
peachable offenses. 

Even if there were no other problems 
with the IC law, this new interpretation 
alone would justify killing it. 

How long will it take for another of 
the currently active counsels digging 
near the White House to expand his or 
her investigation and send another im- 
peachment referral to the pliant House 
of Representatives? 

Since 1870, when the Department of 
Justice was established, it has done quite 
well at prosecuting misconduct by high 
government officials. The IC law wasn't 
around when Watergate was resolved. If 
the 106th Congress cannot agree to let 
this law expire by bipartisan agreement, 
then the Democrats must filibuster it to 
death, as the Republicans did in 1992. 

Please, Congress, let the IC law R.I.P 


Gye vant Answers] 


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162 


Gerr y Adams (continued from page 120) 


Ian Paisley is a demagogue and uses the language of 


demagoguery to demonize people. 


shoulder 1 could see the Orangemen 
marching. It was 8:30 on a Saturday 
morning. 1 felt sad for them. 1 felt sad 
for the futility and silliness. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Three children were burned to 
death as a result of these marches. And it 
was another of your antagonists, Ian 
Paisley of the Orange order, who may 
have incited the men who did it. Do you 
blame him? 

ADAMS: I sat with Paisley in the Forum 
during the peace negotiations. It was the 
first time that I had actually watched 
him or that I was part of a debate with 
him. My overall sense of him was sad- 
ness, that a faction of our people could 
be so twisted by a racist agenda. Ian 
Paisley is a demagogue and uses the 
language of demagoguery to demonize 
people. He talks about the pope, who he 
says is the Antichrist. He whips people 


up. He engages in this type of exhibi- 
tionism and demagoguery. And at the 
end of the spectrum of hate is someone 
who kills three wee boys. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Do you blame Paisley for the 
deaths? 

ADAMS: 1 don’t want to apportion blame 
or responsibility. I think that all factions 
of our people have suffered enough; no 
one has had a monopoly. But over the 
past 20 years there have been specific in- 
cidents of violence, and you have to cite 
him as the cause. Ian Paisley is sympto- 
matic of the type of state and of the type 
of political conditions which exist in this 
part of Ireland. Granted, he's an ex- 
treme manifestation of it, but, remem- 
ber, a lot of people support Paisley. He 
received his doctorate in divinity from 
the States—from Bob Jones University 
in South Carolina. 


“Now, Officer Kilmer, I'm going to throw a lot of shit at you and 
I don’t want you to take it personally.” 


17 


PLAYBOY: Bob Jones made no secret of his 
racism. Is ita racist dispute or a political 
dispute? 

ADAMS: The difference is one of political 
allegiance. 1 mean, you can't tell a Prot- 
estant from a Catholic. Unionism is a po- 
litical ideology, it upholds the union with 
England as far as it upholds the privi- 
leged way of life for those loyal to Britain 
here. And without British support, it 
would not exist. 


18 


PLAYBOY: You seem to be forgiving them. 
Is that a fair assessment? 

ADAMS: An interesting thing is that the 
Irish flag stands for peace and equality 
and independence between the Orange 
[Unionists] and the Green [Irish]. The 
white stripe in the middle represents 
unity between them. I think we have 
a long way to go. And I won't be satis- 
fied until we have peace, freedom and 
Irish unity. 


19 


PLAYBOY: You have become an interna- 
tional celebrity in the process. A recent 
article in The New York Times, by Maureen 
Dowd, describes your sudden celebrity. 
You are now, she says, radical chic: wear- 
ing Armani suits, with women hanging 
all over you. Is it true, as she says, that 
Bianca Jagger is one of your groupies? 
ADAMS: [Laughs] No! Absolutely not. 1 
don't own an Armani suit. And I met 
Bianca Jagger once when she was here 
traveling with Senator Robert Torricelli, 
1 haven't talked to Maureen yet, so it 
wouldn't be fair to be critical, but none of 
that is true. 


20 


PLAYBOY: Irish humor is celebrated for its 
instructive insights. Do you have a joke 
that can lead to peace? 

ADAMS; There is a joke I tell often that in 
some way sums it up. There is a little old. 
Irish lady standing on a corner in one of 
the projects in Belfast. There is a group 
of British soldiers standing in the street 
looking at maps. The street signs have all 
been torn down by the Irish to make it 
difficult to find the way. A British officer 
walks over to the old woman and says, 
“Madam, can you tell me where this 
road goes?” And she says, "I've lived 
here all my life, and I've never seen it go 
anywhere." And the officer says, "Mad- 
am, you are a stupid Irishman." And the 
old lady says, "Maybe so, but I'm not the 
one who is lost here.” It is something of 
a metaphor for the British in Ireland. 
They got lost here. They couldnt find 
their way out. Now maybe they can and 


just go home. 


PLAYMATE S NEW 


Take the best costume party you've 
ever attended, add dozens of Play- 


mates, a gang of celebrities, deco- 
rations worthy of Dream Works 
and, of course, Hef, and you have 
an idea of what went down in 


Who! angelic 
devils. Thot's Miss 
January 1996 Victorio 

Fuller with Hef (above) 
and PMOY 1990 Re. 
пев Tenison (ей) with 
her sister Rosie. In- 
sel, above right: Miss 
December 1958 
Joyce Nizzori. 


Holmby Hills this past Halloween. It 
was the first goblin and ghoul gala 
that Hef has tossed in 18 years. High- 
lights included Misses December 
1998 Erica, Jaclyn and Nicole Dahm 
as identical Wonder Women; Victoria 
Fuller, Miss January 1996, as a latex- 
clad she-devil; and Miss July 1998 
Lisa Dergan, cruising around on roll- 
er skates in a pink gingham dress. Ce- 


March 10: Miss November 1981 (and 
PMOY 1982) Shannon Tweed 
March 12: Miss March 1957 
Sandra Edwards 


March 20: Miss July 1962 
Unne Terjesen 

March 21: Miss September 1991 
Samantha Dorman 

March 25: Miss December 1974 
Janice Raymond 


lebrity guests who rose to the occa- 
sion included Shannen Doherty in 
gothic garb, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos 
and her husband John Stamos as an 
angel and devil, and Steve Martin as a 


Miss Morch 1954 Dolores Del 
Monte on the Dohm triplets: 
“They're the newest Playmates 
and I'm the mos! vintage one.” 


nerd. Hef, who was accom- 
panied by Brande Roder- 
ick and twins Sandy and 
Mandy Bentley, showed his 
romantic side in a black-and-white- 
striped getup. He wasn't just a jail- 
bird—he was a prisoner of love, com- 
plete with a red heart and a chain on 


BETWEEN THE SHEETS 


Getting intimate with the Ploymotes jus! got easier, thanks ta 
Playmates in Bed (Playboy Press}. The 96-page Newsstand Special, 
on sole now, takes you under the cavers with 28 Centerfolds, in 
duding Kona Carmack, Kalin Olson, Korin Taylor, Jomi Ferrell, Sa- 
montho Torres, Gillian Bonner, Layla Roberts, Lisa Marie Scott, Stacy 
Sanches, Carrie Stevens (right), Ingo Drozdovo [below right) 
E ола Karen McDougal (below). 


b 


20 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


The March 1979 issue fea- 
tured nonfiction by Alex Haley, 
fiction by Harlan 
Ellison and The 
Playboy Report on 
American Men. But 
Playmate Denise 
McConnell held 
her own vith the 
boys. Denise was 
born in Germa- 
ny and started 
in the private- 
eye business as 
a secretary. She 
quickly moved 
up the ranks 
to become a 
gun-toting 
private inves- 

tigator. "It's an advantage be- 
ing a female in this business,” 

Denise told us at the time. “If 

I want to talk to someore, es- 

pecially a man, it's easy to get 

his attention." 


Denise McConnell 


his ankle. “There were so many great 
costumes," said Erica Dahm. “There 
were eight other Wonder Women 
there, which was funny. It was the 
kind of party nobody wanted to leave. 
The last guests left at 6:45 a.m. The 
butlers had to drag them out." 


164 shared with me the 


Miss December 1981 Patricia 
Farinelli is one of my favorites. 
Most guys, I think, would pick 
the Playmates they remember 
from when they were in their 
most vulnerable states. It's in 
high school, that sweet zone, 
when you get crushes on Play- 
mates. When I look at maga- 
zines from back when 1 was in 
high school, I'm trans- 
ported to tenth grade. 

What attracted me to 
Patti was that she was 
busty. Also, I'm Ital- _ 
ian and she's Ital- 
ian, so I thought of 

her asa pae- 

san. I guess 

you could 

say I came 

for the boobs 

and stayed for 

the heritage. 


It seerns as though everything Jai- 
me Bergman touches becomes a col- 
lector’s item. First there was the 
45th Anniversary issue of PLAYBOY, in 
which she was chosen out of thou- 
sands to become Miss January 1999. 
And now there’s the 
1999 St. Pauli Girl 
poster that features 
Jaime as an authen- 
tic German barmaid. 
“Jaime's resemblance 
to the original St. 
Pauli Girl made her 
the obvious choice,” 
the brand’s publicists 
= said. There аге оп- 
1у 500,000 copies of the free poster 
available, so hurry to your nearest St. 
Pauli Girl retailer To see previous 
posters, visit www.stpauligirl.com. 


Dear Playmate News: 

Dorothy Mays' Playmate story (July 
1979) mentioned that she cut hair for 
a living. Graduation was coming and 


I needed a haircut, so I 
called Dorothy's shop 
for an appointment. 

At the shop. everyone 

went vild over the n 
"Eshirt I wore, which 

Said MISS JULY GAVE ME 

A HAIRCUTI Dorothy 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


adventures that went with her Play- 
mate status. I invited her to my grad- 
uation ceremony but never thought 
she would come. But there was Miss 
July, at the Friends School of Balti- 
more's commencement ceremony. 
Eighteen years after graduation, I am 
still asked, "How is Miss July?" 

Scott Loane 

Baltimore, MD 


QUOTE UNQUOTE 


What went on behind the scenes of 
this issuc's Kiss pictorial? We asked 
Miss December 1989 Petra Verkaik 
(her new Web site address is petra 
central.com) for the dirt. 

Q: Were you excited to dress as Gene 
Simmons? 
A: 1 was until I saw myself in his 
makeup. His character, the Demon, is 
just plain ugly. I looked in the mirror 
and screamed. 
Q: Was Gene flashing his tongue all 
over the place? 
A: Gene is a cross 
between a sex- 
crazed dog and a 
complete gentle- 
man, if you can 
imagine that. I 
caught him star- 
ing at me, and he 
started barking: 
“Arf! Arf!" It was 
amazing how he 
could twist his 
tongue around, 

Q: Have you ev- 
erbeen to a Kiss concert? 

A: The band members were oohing, 
aahing, barking and humming at my 
photo shoot. Does that count? 

Q; What was your first rock concert? 
A: The Grateful Dead. 

Q: Have you ever dated a rock star? 
A: Yes. Well, at least he promised he 
would be a rock star as soon as he got 
his record deal. 

Q: Are you a good kisser? 

A: Kissing is a sensual part of getting 
to know someone. It's especially erot- 
ic when you're making love. I've been 
complimented on my Kissing, so I 
guess I can say yes. 

Q: What's your cocktail of choice? 

À: I've been craving bloody marys 
lately. 

Q: What's your idea of the perfect 
bedroom music? 

A: Tchaikovsky. It keeps me relaxed. I 
save rock and funk for when I'm ina 
party mood. 

Q: Have you ever videotaped your- 
self having sex? 

A: Not yet. It's an intriguing thought, 
but scary after the Pamela and Tom- 
my disaster! 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Looking for a great coffee- 
table tome? Try The Book of Twins 
(Delacorte), which features a por- 


Next time you go to. a 
club, don't be surprised 
if you hear Nadine 
Chanz' voice over the 
speakers. She's a vocal- 
ist in the band Body 

"Talk, whose new CD is called 
Princess of the Night. . . . Here's 
a toast to Carrie Stevens, Elisa 
Bridges, Morena Cor- 

win, Lisa Dergan, 

Kalin Olson, Hol- 

ly Joan Hart, 

Heather Ko- 

zar, Stacy San- 

ches and Nik- 


lucky ladies 
who were cho- 


with Hef for a 
Captain Mor- 
O 
De Vasquez' recent birthday par- 
ty was no modern affair. Devin 
and her guests flashed back to 
the Sixties, complete with hippie 
costumes and an Elvis imper- 
sonator. . Heather Kozar 
and Layla 
Roberts know 
how to talk 
trash. The 
two appear 
in the E Lin- 
gerie Special 
on behalf of 
Los Angeles’ 
best under- 
wear store, 
Trashy Lin- 
gerie. . .. Ju- 
DevnDevosuer Kia Schultz 
has done it again. On the heels 
of her first national commercial 
(for Starburst), Julia has landed 
another one. This time Miss Feb- 
ruary 1998 touts Tostitos tortilla 
chips. . . . The photo below is 
not a mirage. It's Elke Jeinsen, 
who hung out with David Cop- 
perfield after one of his 
recent per- 
formances in 
Las Vegas. A 
plea to Da- 
vid: Please 


Elke ond David 


FITNESS pm page 30) 


Everyone told me what to expect. No one, however, 
could predict my experience. 


oxygen-carrying capacity of my muscles, 
I added one high-intensity, hilly ride 
each week, two when possible. A perfect 
week of training consisted of two longer, 
casier rides and two shorter steep hills. I 
also started to focus on pacing myself. 
Now that I was logging more than 30 
miles a ride, 1 had to counter my natu- 
ral impulse to attack a hill, rip down a 
straightaway and get to the end as quick- 
ly as possible. To avoid burning out with- 
in two hours, I bought an odometer and 
discovered that 12 to 14 miles per hour 
was a comfortable and sensible pace. I al- 
so added a few cross-training sessions to 
build secondary muscles. 

Another reason to train for your cho- 
sen sport: You quickly learn what hurts 
and have time to compensate for it. As I 
discovered, riding strains the lower back, 
the triceps and shoulders. To strengthen 
these muscles, I devoted about two hours 
each week to weight training. 

Month four. In the last weeks of train- 
ing, experts say you should be hitting 60 
to 75 percent of your ultimate daily dis- 
tance. But 40 to 50 hilly miles were caus- 
ing my legs to cramp and my anklcs to 
swell. Furthermore, 1 was anxious about 
having to double that distance on day 
one of the actual ride. So I started down- 
ing creatine and glucosamine, two ami- 
no acids that are said to speed muscle re- 
covery. Creatine reportedly increases the 
force of muscular contraction as well as 
the rate of recovery, enabling your pecs, 
quads and abs to do more and hurt less. 
You have to spend a week “loading” (i.e., 
swallowing 20 grams a day for six days to 
saturate your muscles) before dropping 
down to a daily, two-gram maintenance 
dose. The powder I took had virtually 
no taste, just a gritty, sandy texture that 
never quite dissolved in juice. By day 
four, І knew my relationship with crea- 
tine was to be short-lived. The stuff 
slipped through my system and wreaked 
havoc on my digestion. (1 have a sensi- 
tive stomach.) Another person might 
have a different experience with this 
trendy power booster. 

Glucosamine has been shown to re- 
lieve swelling and speed the recovery of 
the cartilage that cushions joints. You 
swallow 1500 milligrams every day, and 
supposedly in one to three months, your 
joints feel better. Digesting it was no 
problem, but my ankles continued to 
swell and throb, 

In the end, Advil became my drug of 
choice: It blocked minor pain and cost a 
lot less. I also popped vitamins C and E 
daily to absorb the additional free radi- 
cals the body spawns during exercise. 


ENDURANCE EATING 


Food takes on a new meaning during. 
stamina training; it's less about flavor and 
more about fuel. Working out to the ex- 
treme four or five times a week meant I 
needed high octane. So I adjusted my 
diet to ensure 1 was getting 60 percent 
complex carbohydrates, 20 percent pro- 
tein and 20 percent fat (the good kind, 
from nuts and vegetables, rather than the 
artery-clogging saturated variety). I also 
learned that there's a prescribed order 
when eating for maximum power: carbs 
and protein early in the day, fats later. 
The perfect breakfast is egg whites, cereal 
and skim milk, bread with peanut butter, 
and bananas. This gives the body imme- 
diate energy and some to store. The same 
formula applies to lunch. Dinner is the 
optimal time to ingest fat. You're finished 
training for the day, so the muscles aren't 
in play and more blood can be sent to the 
stomach to help digestion. I saw this the- 
ory in practice during one 40-mile outing 
after Га downed a cheese sandwich for 
lunch. It sat like lead in my stomach and 
made me sluggish on the bike, 

1 don't like the taste of Gatorade, but 
energy drinks do replenish salt and po- 
tassium. So 1 alternated one bottle of Ga- 
torade with one bottle of water. 


THERIDE 


I spent four months training, and 
everyone told me what to expect. No 
one, however, could predict my experi- 


ence. Even though the first day was the 
longest (ten hours, 97 miles), and hilli- 
est, I was surprised at how my adren- 
aline kept pumping, my mind stayed 
focused and my bike chewed the pave- 
ment. The only problem occurred dur- 
ing the night, when I inexplicably found 
myself peeing every hour. I wondered if 
it was the constant jostling of my kidneys 
and bladder or something messing with 
my prostate. 

Day two slapped me around and 
brought me close to tears. My legs and 
calves knotted and sharp pains stabbed 
at every muscle, from my toes (who 
knew there is a big muscle on the tops of 
your feet?) up into my hands and along 
my triceps. My lower back was hob- 
bled—I stooped when I dismounted the 
bike. My penis went numb (no pins and 
needles, even). Ditto my brain. 

By day three I was miraculously back 
in the groove. My muscles actually felt 
better when they were in motion than 
when they were still. Walking, however, 


especially down stairs, made me scream. 


EPILOG 


I made it. As did the 60-year-old gray- 
haired woman who pinned photos of 
her friends who had died of AIDS to 
her bike, the overweight guy with vari- 
cose veins and the skinny dude with 
HIV who's been on protease inhibitors 
for a year. On the final day, when I was 
struggling toward the finish line, he 
sped up to me on the left. “Bend down,” 
he screamed encouragingly. “To break 
the wind” I obeyed, got control and 
watched as he zoomed ahead. That was 
one hell ofa good surprise. 


~~ 
CUAL. 


"Since our date ended so abrupily, what with the icy 
patch and the bridge abutment, I was wondering if you'd mind 
finishing that blow job now?" 


165 


us: оге 
YOU 


Stacy Fuson 
Miss February 


imagined... 


> NR ith Playboy TV, the season of love will 

А truly make your heart futter. In the adult 
Alexandria Karlsen ie My i 

Me Men movie My Secret Diary, the seductive wife of 

a renowned surgeon leads a daring double 


life as a high-priced hooker at a Beverly Hills 
brothel. Then, extra cute, extra sexy and 
extra vivacious Gen-Xers paint the town red 
in Playboy's GEN-X Girls, Next, leave your 
inhibitions behind when mysterious and 
alluring beauties frorn the Far East play out 
their deepest desires in the Playboy Original, 
Women of Color: Asian Exotica. And in the 
adult movie Coshmere, the tight-sweatered 
lead singer of a sensational Sixties band 
soothes one lonely man's heart. Finally, a 
mountain retreat and its sexy locals provide 
the erotic backdrop for Juli Ashton and Doria 
in the Playboy Original Movie Night Calls: The 
Movie Il. Celebrate Valentine's Day all month 
long with Playboy TV 24 hours a day! 


ta 
PLAYBOY 


Visit our website: 


Playboy TV is available from your local cable television operator 
or heme satellite, DIRECTV, PRIMESTAR, or DISH Network dealer. 


©1998 Playboy 


PLAYBOY 
ON-THE-SCENE 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT’S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


ew Year's Eve 1999 will be a spectacular time for parties s 
and a dreadful time for making reservations. Because o. 
major hotels worldwide are already booked for the big 
night, use Plan B and consider resort getaway packages 

with one price that covers accommodations (and in some cases, 

meals and multiple nights of fun). Since this is the only millennial 
blowout well see, let's think high end. Virgin Gorda's Bitter End 

Yacht Club in the Caribbean still has openings for a nine-night 

package that's $10,800 for double occupancy. Long Bay Beach Re- 

sort's ten-night bash on Tortola is a comparative bargain at $4499 
per person. At Couples, Jamaica's all-inclusive resort for adults, the 
seven-night party costs $5000 for a twosome, including trans- 
portation to its private, clothing-option- 
al island. New 


МЎ YRS EVE 19998 TPILAN JB—— 


Above: The Venice-Simplon Orient Express’ bar car will be rocking 
this December as revelers traveling from Paris stop off in Venice for 
New Year's Eve hoopla before rolling on to Portofino in grand style. 


Cras Extravaganza that lasts three nights. The Venice-Simplon 
Orient Express (above) departs from Paris for a six-day journey 
to Venice and Portofino for $16,500 per person. Finally, the su- 
perluxe Silversea line of- 
fers 15- and 16-day sail- 
ings from Tahiti to New 
Zealand, and from Aus- 
tralia to Tahiti aboard 
its sister ships, the Silver 
Cloud and the Silver 
Wind. The ships will link 
up on Fiji and then sail 
across the international 
date line to celebrate the 
millennium again. Cruise 
prices start at $30,195 
per person, 

— SUSAN JONES 7M 


Go for broke at Virgin Gorda's Bitter End 
Yacht Club (above). The nine-night package 
for New Year's Eve 1999 includes a millenni- 
al gala, plus sailing, windsurfing and the use 
of watercraft for uninhabited-island hopping. 
That way, you and a friend can greet the year 
2000 in your birthday suits (right). 


Year's Eve in Rio is always over the top, but 
the Reveillon 2000 festival promises to go 
way over. A seven-night slay at the Copaca- 
bana Palace on the beach begins at $4200 
per room. New York's Rihga Royal hotel 
beats that with a $10,000 per couple pack- 
age that includes the penthouse suite, 
breakfast in bed and more. At Philadel- 
phia's Park Hyatt, a three-day fete, includ- 
ing a Night in Vienna feast, is about $2000 
per couple. Two nights in a suite at New 
Orleans’ Windsor Court Hotel costs $2000 
per couple. Another Big Fasy hotel, Le Me- 
ridian, offers a $5000 per couple Mardi 


Where & HOW TO BU ON pace 154. 


SR AP E VIN E 


It's Only Rock 
But We Like It 
CHRIS ROCK is HBO's 
edgy comic hit man, 
which makes him a 
natural to play one 
in Neil Labute's next 
movie, Nurse Betty. 
Add a producer's 
credit for The Hugh- 
leys to Rock's creative 
concoctions, then mix їп 
some charm and watch 
him stir it up. 


Patti 

Suits 

Her T 

PATTI O'DONNELL 
is a Hooters calen- 
dar girl, has mod- 
eled swimsuits on E ] 
the E Channel and Bernie Unzipped 
Entertainment BERNIE DEE plays one of Joe Mantegna's girl- 
Tonight and reigns friends in the MGM/Showtime remake of the box- 
ing classic Body and Soul. Ray "Boom Boom” 

Mancini provides the punches, but Bernie pro- 
vokes whistles. 


Here Comes 
the Judge 
You can check out 
JULIE STRAIN on 
Playboy TV's Sex 
Court (“where it 
pays to be guilty”) 
or on-screen in 
Some Nudity Re- 
quired—which is 
our molto. 
168 


When the 
Saint 
Comes 
Marching 
In 

JILL ST. MARKS 
of Baywatch, 
Sunset Beach 
and Pacific Blue 
covers her 
assets with 

a smile. 


The Dress Fools No One 

LELA ROCHON is on a streak. She fell in 

Do Fools Fall in Love. She exhaled in Waitir 
hale. She went for action with Jean- 
Damme. And she knew this dress would work. 


N Hold 
m That 
Pose 

BJÓRK plays 


` a Ginger 
Rogers type 


POTPOURRI 


ROCK-AND-ROAD FOOD 


Metallica won't perform without pears and 
Kleenex in its dressing room, Old Blue Eyes re- 
quired Campbell's chicken-and-rice soup, and 
Jimmy Buffett's demands are simple: a case of 
Coronita beer and two liters of Evian. These 
are some of the tamer demands related in Back- 
stage Pass, "a diary of backstage gossip and offi- 
cial recipes" compiled by Behind the Scenes 
Inc., a California catering company that has 
served music stars from Janet Jackson to Yanni. 
Price: $18.95. Call 888-439-2665. 


LOVE AND DEATH, ASIAN STYLE 


Despite the fact that the Asian movie industry is 
well represented each year at international film 
festivals, few Americans know much beyond 
Godzilla and Jackie Chan. Chronicle Books fills 
that void with Asian Pop Cinema: Bombay to Tokyo 
by Lec Server, a $16.95 paperback that ex- 
plains the intricacies of Indian love stories, and 
such movie monsters as Gamera, the Guardian 
of the Universe (below). Call 
800-722-6657 to order. 


СЕТ ZAPPED @ 


Zappy's folding elec- 
tric scooter resem- 
bles in appear- 

ance the kind 

kids rode in the 
Forties, but that's 
where similarities 
end. The scooter 
can hit speeds up 

10 13 miles per 
hour. On smooth, 
flat terrain a 150- 
pound rider can go 
about eight miles be- 
fore the machine's 
rechargeable battery 
runs out of power. 
When you're done 
scooting around town, 
you can fold up the 
Zappy faster than an 
umbrella. Price: 
about $600. Call 
800-251-4555 to 
order. Several 

styles of Zap bi- 
cycles are also 
available. 


GENTLEMEN, START YOUR COMPUTERS 


"Takes your computer racing to a higher level" is how SLP Per- 
formance Parts describes its 64-inch Racing Simulator illustrated 
here. For $500, you get the simulator plus a racing seat. Then 
you add either a Nascar Pro Racing steering wheel and pedals 
($139.95) or a Formula 1? racing wheel and pedals ($89.95) and 
your own computer, monitor and keyboard. The racing softwear 
that's available from SLP includes Cart Racing ($30), Soda Off- 
Road Racing ($50), Nascar Racing 2 ($50) and several others. Jeff 
Gordon, eat your heart out. Call 732-349-2109, extension 35 


A FOOL FOR TOOLS 


Harry Abrams’ book 1001: Making Things 
Around the World is a $75 tome that feels 
as heavy as an anvil. Its 350 pages are de- 
voted to the evolution of "the tools fami- 
ly" as it relates to wood, metal, textiles 
and more. In it, author Hubert Comte, 
who holds a doctorate from the Sor- 
bonne, discusses more than 300 imple- 
ments, including tailor's scissors. Call 
800-288-2131 to order a copy. 


FOR THE 
MARTINI 
HOUR 


According to 
LumiSource, 
the Suspended 
Olive Cock- 
tail Table, de- 
signed by Chi- 
cago artist 
David Krys, is a 
tribute to 
drinks served 
with an olive. 
It's 37 inches 
high and fea- 
tures an ad- 
justable table- 
top and a 
permanent 
vinyl coaster. 
Price: $160. 
Atop the table 
is a Rocket 
Shaker, also by 
J1 Kays: Price: 
$50. Call 
888-461-5864. 


PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES 


If you're flying through Miami and have a few hours to spare, 
take a ten-minute cab ride from the airport to the Gallery of 
Transportation at 165 Aragon Avenue in Coral Gables. The 
store's specialty is fine-art models of locomotives and cars that 
range in price from about $1200 for a circa 1930 B&O 060 
Switcher to $25,000 for a Ferrari Type 801 by famed model mak- 
er Jeron Quarter. (The World War II German BR 50 pictured 
here is $8500). Call 305-529-8599 for more information. 


KEEP YOUR GIN UP 


Vodka may be the world's best- 
selling spirit, but gin is fast re- 
cruiting new converts. From 
France, there's a new product, 
88 proof Citadelle, that's as 
smooth as silk hosiery. Plymouth 
gin has also returned to the 
States after a two-decade hiatus. 
The 82.5-proof spirit, which is 
produced in the oldest gin dis- 
tillery (it dates back to 1793) and 
packaged in a replica of one of 
the company's oldest bottles, is 
right up there as our liquor of 
choice when we mix martinis. 
Both Citadelle and Plymouth 
are available nationally at $20 to 
$25 a 750 ml bottle. 


JENNIFER'S WILD CARDS 


Jennifer Janesko began her career as a fashion illustrator, but 
now she's famous for her pin-up paintings. Pictured above are 
three trading cards, which are part of a 72-card Janesko Pre- 

miere Pin-Ups set. To obtain it, send $28 to Janésko Mail Order, 
PO. Box 12843, Kansas City, Kansas 66112. A binder to hold the 
cards is $24 (if you want one signed by Janesko, the price is $35). 


172 


APRILS FINEST — 


NEXT MONTH 


SCHWIMMER'S IN HEAVEN 


THE NO-SEX EIGHTIES 


NICK NOLTE—ONE OF HOLLYWOOD'S GREAT BAD BOYS 
COMES CLEAN ABOUT HIS TROUBLESOME REPUTATION, 
LIFE IN A MEXICAN BROTHEL, HIS GIFT FOR LYING AND HIS 
NEW HEALTH KICK—PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY LAWRENCE 
GROBEL 


MARRIED SEX, AN OXYMORON?—IS ORAL SEX SEX? HOW 
MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU MAKE LOVE? HAVE YOU EV- 
ER HAD AN AFFAIR? MARRIED PEOPLE TELL ALL IN OUR 
GROUNDBREAKING SURVEY 


SPRING BREAK PICTORIAL—DON'T WORRY, WE DIDN'T 
FORGET THE PHOTOS: TEN PAGES OF COLLEGE WOM- 
EN AT PLAY IN CANCUN, PANAMA CITY BEACH, DAYTONA 
BEACH AND ON SOUTH PADRE ISLAND. 


DAVID SCHWIMMER—FRIENDS’ NEUROTIC BIG BROTHER 
ОМ PREMATURE EJACULATION, ACTRESSES HE'D LIKE TO 
HOOK UP WITH AND THE JOYS OF MAKING $100,000 A 
WEEK—20 QUESTIONS BY ROBERT CRANE 


PLAYBOY’S HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION — 
BETWEEN HERPES, AIDS AND THE MEESE COMMISSION, 
THE EIGHTIES WERE THE DARK AGE OF THE LIBIDO. PART 
NINE OF OUR SERIES BY JAMES R. PETERSEN 


THE FAN MAN RETURNS—HORSE BADORTIES IS BACK 
AND ON THE LAM. LUCKY HE HAS A GORGEOUS CHICKLET 
TO RESCUE HIM. FICTION FROM THE AUTHOR OF THE FAN 
MAN, WILLIAM KOTZWINKLE 


WISH YOU WERE HERE—IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR. WET 
T-SHIRT CONTESTS, EXTREME SPORTS, NUDE BEACHES, 
HOTEL ROOMS, PICK-UP LINES, COCKTAILS, SCANTILY 
CLAD SHOT GIRLS—THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO SPRING 
BREAK BY TONY ROMANDO 


LIVING ONLINE—DOWNLOAD MUSIC, USE SEARCH EN- 
GINES TO SHOP. E-MAIL ON THE ROAD, RESEARCH A CITY. 
YOU GAN DO IT ALL ON THE INTERNET—OUR NEW REGU- 
LAR FEATURE BY MARK FRAUENFELDER SHOWS YOU 
HOW AND WHERE TO CLICK 


BIG ONES—CHECK OUT THE BIGGEST, BADDEST HEAVY- 
METAL CRUISERS ON THE ROAD. WE CELEBRATE THE MO- 
TORCYCLE AS CHROME-AND-STEEL ART 


PLUS: HOLLIS WAYNE'S SPRING AND SUMMER FASHION 
FORECAST, TOUCH-SCREEN TECHNOLOGY, SLICK SHOWER 
PRODUCTS, ACTRESS SHANNON ELIZABETH AND MISS 
APRIL, NATALIA SOKOLOVA 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
Fa Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, 
Marlboro Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.