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ENTERTAINMENT ALS xL Š, MAY 1999 


PLAYBOY ARÍ ht 
INTERVEN RLIZE 
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NATURES 7 BEN STILLER 
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PLAYMATES / = GAROFALO 
ON SAFARI qe A STRANGE 

ROMANCE 
MOLLE INS E 
PROFILES 20 QUESTIONS 
TOM DELAY ASHLEY JUDD 
MOSCOW BASEBALL 
IN THE RAW, PREVIEW '99 


THE SEX, | 
THE PONER / / 


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Come to where the flavor is. 


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OUR COVER this month is the perfect setting for a picture of 
Charlize Theron, taken during her days as а model. Born in 
South Africa, she is a diamond import in a gem of an issue. As 
hit girl Helga, she blew away critics in Tivo Days in the Valley 

Then she drove us bananas in Celebrity. Now we have photos 
of the leggy wonder that never made it into her portfolio. It's 
a timely debut for her fans in our home office—she just land- 
ed the lead in Chicago. 

David Spode's hit sitcom on NBC, Just Shoot Me, is set at a 
fashion magazine. So he understands why he's not on the cov- 
er. Together with his fellow Saturday Night Live alum Chris Far- 
ley, he made a string of wild buddy movies that even Adam 
Sandler could envy. Now he stands tall in a supersized Playboy 
Interview with David Rensin. Spade may look soft and furry, but 
beware—he bites. 

When moderates complain of right-wing radicals who are 
destroying the Republican Party, they're probably talking 
about House Majority Whip Tom DeLay. As DeLay rants about 
Clinton's flaws, it’s time to examine his. In The Exterminator 
Rep, a Playboy Profile illustrated by Arnold Roth, caustic colum- 
nist Molly Ivins gives the whip a good flaying. She explains why 
he loves DDT, then turns the light on his cozy relationship 
with a Mexican cement company. Creepy. While Washington 
fiddles, Moscow burns. “It’s Babylon after getting hit by a 
neutron bomb," says Merk Ames. “Тһе buildings remain but 
people just slowly decay.” Ames helped launch the English- 
language newspaper The eXile, a hot read among diplomats 
and journalists. In Moscow Bites, Ames analyzes the nighumar- 
ish nightlife scene that exists now that Western money has 
abandoned the city. Desperate Russian Nikitas mix with danc- 
ing Nigerian studs—and Chippendales it ain't. 

‘Tom Wolfe can keep that thing with the cup. We have the 
latest romance from Janeane Garofalo and Ben Stiller. In The Sto- 
ту of Our Sordid Love (it's a chapter from their new tome from 
Ballantine, Feel This Book), the hot comics reduce sex to a cold 
puddle on the bedroom floor. The accompanying artwork is by 
Jonet Woolley. Our other book of love this month comes cour- 
tesy of the editors of The Onion, a satirical paper and website 
that leaves its cult followers (Seinfeld co-creator Larry David is 
one) teary with laughter. This month they present Great Mo- 
menis in Playboy History. Things get even more salacious with ac- 
tor Ashley Judd. Daughter of Naomi, sister of Wynonna and 
consort of desire, she created a fashionquake at the 1998 Acad- 
emy Awards with a dress slit up to her oscar. She lets it rip in a 
20 Questions by Robert Crane that covers such diverse subjects as 
bourbon, dictionaries, kissing and underwear. 

Сап baseball get any better after last year's summer of love? 
Turns out we could be in for a downswing, particularly in fi- 
nancially pressed smaller markets. In Playboy's 1999 Baseball 
Preview, Copy Editor Leopold Froehlich and Researcher George 
Hodok patrol the warning track as they examine the impact of 
high-priced free agency and predict who has a shot at the su- 
perteams. Daniel Torres did the illustration. 

For a more dangerous game, turn to our fiction. The Shad- 
ow Trees by Brendan DuBois pits a dangerous ex-government 
operative against a band of Maine militiamen. Guess who 
wins? On a cooler note, our fashion pages feature a pair of 
jazzy suits worn by our favorite saxophonist, the incredible 
Joshua Redman. Fans of gadgetry will want to groove to the 12 
electrifying wonders in Gotta Have It. If you've got a better 
suggestion, blame Modern Living Editor David Stevens, who's 
also the guy behind the eponymous (don’t you love that 
word?) Dave's Garage. This month he rolls out the fabulous 
Audi ТТ and sends a Hummer into an Arizona arroyo. We 
wrap up with travel—Playmates on Safari, shot by Contributing 
Photographer Richard Fegley and narrated by Managing Photo 
Editor Jim Larson, who got the girls from tent to tent. Lions 
and tigers and G-strings—oh my! 


PLAYBILL 


RENSIN 


WOOLLEY 


` DUBOIS 


TORRES 


STEVENS FEGLEY, LARSON 


a trip for two to play in the NBC Sports 
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5 other great prizes from Taylor Made’ 


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wherever Beck’s beer is sold 


Putts. Wiu with Becks Sweenstakes Official Eutry Ferm 


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4 to 5 p.m. (EST) and you could win a trip for two to Germany - home of Beck's! 

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PLAYBOY 


vol. 46, по. 5--тау 1999 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE 
PLAYBILL . ее vy PESAS AGO 7 
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY .. 13 
HANGIN’ WITH HEF ER 14 
DEAR PLAYBOY. г 17 
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS... 21 
MOVIES. + 23 
VIDEO sss. 26 
MUSIC 28 
WIRED Ж А M < 32 
LIVING ОМИНЕ...................................-. MARK FRAUENFELDER 33 
BOOKS ET ç A R 34 
FITNESS ...... KU SPER eder Аз ач JOHN W. ELLIS IV 36 
MEN ........ T ——— —€—— ASABABER 37 
MANTRACK .. š а 
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR. ....... 45 
THE PLAYBOY FORUM mer д ju 49 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: DAVID SPADE—candid conversation 59 
THE STORY OF OUR SORDID 
LOVE—romonce. 2... JANEANE GAROFALO and BEN STILLER 70 
PLAYMATES ON SAFARI—pictoriol um mE e 74 
MOSCOW BITES!—article ..... к — MARK AMES 86 
GREAT MOMENTS IN PLAYBOY HISTORY—humor . ç 2-0 88 
JOSHUA REDMAN—fashion rre s HOLIS WAYNE 82 
PLAYBOY'S 1999 BASEBALL 
PREVIEW—sports . LEOPOLD FROEHLICH and GEORGE HODAK 94 
TISHARA—playboy’s playmate of the month 98 
PARTY JOKES—humor — LEEREN " 110 
THE SHADOW TREES—fiction ЕЕС .BRENDAN DUBOIS 112 
DAVE'S GARAGE—cors түкүн eris DAVID STEVENS 115 
20 QUESTIONS: ASHLEY JUDD — š - ^ 118 
THE EXTERMINATOR REP—profile eee ros MOLLY IVINS 120 
GOTTA HAVE IT—electronics 125 
CHARLIZE—pictorial 130 
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY—<cortoon. .. 139 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY 171 
PLAYMATE NEWS 175 
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE 179 


COVER STORY 


She played o sexy hit girl in Two Days in the Valley and Keanu Reeves’ wife in 
The Devil's Advocate. She appeared in Celebrity and starred in Mighty Joe 
Young. Next she joins Johnny Depp in The Astronaut's Wife. Former dancer 
and model Charlize Theron has come a long way from the South African farm 
where she was raised. Our cover photo was shot by Guido Argentini. Martin 
Christopher styled Charlize’s hair and mokeup. Our ever-fit Rabbit loves to curl. 


Бо RO. 3108 DE FECHA 20 DE JULIO DE 1903 EXPEDIDOS FOR LA COMISION CALIFICADORA DE PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUSTRADAS DEPENDIENTE БЕ LA SECRETARIA OF CO- 9 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


VAN 


MORRISON 
BACK 
ON 
TOP 


featuring 
“Precious Time’ 


The new album 


from one of the most acclaimed voices of our time; 
his first contemporary studio album since 1997's 
The Healing Game. 


Available at your local record store or to order by phone call: 


1-800-221-8180 


Al songs written and produced by Van Morrison 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEENER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, EPHEN RANDALL 
executive editors 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FICTION: ALICE K. TURNER editor; FORUM: 
JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE 
associate editor; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STE- 
VENS edilor; BETH TOMKIW associate editor; DAN 
HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER МА. 
POLITANO senior editor; BARBARA NELLIS associate 
editor; ALISON LUNDGREN assistant edilor; CAROL 
ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS 
CAROL KUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, JOYCE WIEGAND- 
Bavas editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS 
WAYNE director; JENNIFER RVAN JONES assistant 
editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; 
KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN 
assistant editors; REMA SMITH Senior researcher; 
LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, KRISTEN SWANN Të- 
Searchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANA- 
HEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN 
MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, CHRIS. 
TOPHER BYRON. JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN. 
LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN CROSS, CYNTHIA HEIME) 

WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGEN 
STERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN 
CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS Senior directors; SCOTT 
ANDERSON assistant art director; ANN SEIDL Super- 
visor, keyline/pasteup; PAUL CHAN senior art assis- 
tant; JASON SIMONS art assistant 
PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LAR- 
son managing edilor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN SUL. 
LIVAN Sentor editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY 
BEAUDET-FRANCES, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; 
DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICH 
ARD ШАЛ, DAVID MECEY. POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN 
WAYDA contributing photographers; GEORGE GEOR 
Giov studio manager—chicago; BILL WHITE stu 
dio manager—los angeles; SHELLEE WELLS Stylist; 
ELIZABETH GEORGIOU photo archivist 


RICHARD KINSLER publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; 
KATHERINE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associate managers; 
BARB TEKIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU Dypesellers; BILL 
BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS 
ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; сіну 
RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JANES DIMONEKAS, advertising director; JEFF KIM 
MEL, new york sales manager; JOE HOFFER mid. 
west sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU marketing 
director; TERRI CARROLL research director 


READER SERVICE 
LINDA STROM. MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondenis 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


¡ALO 


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Karen McDougal - 1998 Playmate of the Year 
Patrón Information: 800-723-4767 


THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY 


hef sightings, mansion frolics and nightlife notes 


THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT 

l| The Mansion was the setting for Hef's elegant New Year's 
Eve party. Those popping the bubbly with the man in- 
cluded Kevin Spacey, the Dahm triplets and Brande Rod- 
erick, Drew Carey had two armıfuls of Playmates—Carrie 
Stevens and Elisa Bridges—while (bottom left) Beverly 
Hills 90210 castmates Vincent Young and lan Ziering 
showed off their tuxes. 


PARTY HEARTY 
Fight Night at the Mansion brought out 
Kevin Costner (above right), who ex- 
plained the finer points to Lisa Dergan 
and Deanna Brooks. And Dennis Rod- 
man tipped his hat to Hef, here with 
Heather Kozar, the Bentley twins and 
Jessica Paisley at the Garden of Eden. 


Тһе plaque оп Hef’s front door 
read, IF YOU DON'T SWING, DON'T RING, 
and for good reason. It's true, beau- 
tiful babes and celebrities want to 
party with Hef—at the Mansion, іп 
limos and at Los Angeles' hot spots. 


A collection of Hef-style nights on the town: (1) Misses De- 
cember 1998 the Dahm triplets and Alison Berliner at 
"Trader Vic's. (2) Miss January 1998 Heather Kozar and 
Miss July 1998 Lisa Dergan cuddle with the boss at At- 
lantic. (3) Hef's friend Brande Roderick, hanging out (and 
upside down) with Heather at the Mansion. (4) Three's no 
crowd here—it's company. (5) Nenna Quiroz (Brande's 
roommate), Hef and Brande. (6) Tight-knit pals. (7) A limo 
ride with Mandy Bentley and Jessica Paisley is never bor- 
ing. (8) Hef and the Bentley twins. (9) Bill Maher and 
friends at a Century Club party. (10) Hef and the gang, 
decked out for a Pimps 'n Hos party. (11) Heather and Hef 
at Club Rubber. (12) Alison Berliner and the Dahm triplets 
flank Hef. (13) Life of the party Heather Kozar. (14) The 
twins, Jessica Paisley and Hef chill out. 


| Е 


Replica shown approximately actual size. 
(Scale 1:24; 8" in length) 


“The Judge” was a name that inspired 

awe in owners of other so-called muscle 
machines. In its day, it was probably the 
most feared and respected muscle car on 
the road, amazing everyone with its phe- 
nomenal performance. Now, you can acquire 
an amazingly detailed die-cast metal replica 
of Pontiac's greatest performance car 
ever...the 1969 Pontiac GTO Judge. 


The 1969 Pontiac GTO Judge is crafted of 
die-cast metal in the large 1:24 scale from 
more than 275 separate precision parts. The 
hood opens to reveal a beautifully crafted 
re-creation of Pontiac's muscular 370 hp 
Ram Air IV V-8 engine. Both doors open to 
showcase the driver's compartment with its 
four-speed shifter, dials, gauges and bucket 
seats that tilt forward. The front wheels turn 
with the steering wheel and all four genuine 


Pontiac, GTO, Judge, emblems and designs are trademarks of 
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47 Richards Avenue 
Norwalk, CT 06857 


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4394ED3b 


1999 PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY Y 
| 


Inside the Playboy 


“If You Don't Swing, Don't Ring” 


Mans aan D 


ES in Latin in a brass plaque on the 
front door, this compelling caveat greeted 
all who scaled the steps to the legendary 
Playboy Mansion. Those lucky enough to 
make i ide beheld a seductive sea of 
famous faces, hot jazz, cold cocktails—and 
scores of breathtaking nude women. Now, 
for the first time, Playboy has created one 
magnificent book to celebrate the lush life 
inside the Playboy Mansion. 


T = сар” Inside the Playboy 
Mansion swings 
open the doors 
to Chicago's 
original Playboy 
Mansion спа 
the spectacular 
Ployboy Mansion 
West in Los 
Angeles. Photos 
from Hef's pri- 
vate collection 
take you from 
the game room 
to the Grotto, 
through the 
private zoo 

and down to the 
Underwater Bar. You'll see the celebrities, the 
Playmates and the wild parties that became 
legend in Chicago—and rage on today in 
LA. Introduction by Hugh M. Hefner. 


Inside the Playboy Mansion is the latest in our 
Playboy book series and is the perfect com- 
plement to our first two editions, The Playboy 
Book: Forty Years and The Playmate Book. 
Full nudity. Hardcover. 9" x 12". 352 pages. 


Book BV4015 $50 


ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494 


Most major credit cards accepted. 


ORDER BY MAIL 

Include credit cord account number and expiration 
date or send a check or money order to Ployboy, 
RO. Box 809, Source Code 03483, Itasca, Illinois 
60143-0809. $6.95 shipping-and-hondling 
charge per totol order. Illinois residents include 
6.75% sales tox 


Canadian orders accepted [please visit our website 
for other foreign orders). 


Visit the Playboy Store at 
ie, 


www.playboystore.com ety 
‘ond the рый p] dreems. 


DEAR PLAYBOY 


68) NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
FAX 312-649-9534 
E-MAIL DEARPE@PLAYBOY.COM 
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER. 


EMERIL IS COOKIN’ 

I'm a Hispanic female in my late 40s 
who has been reading your magazine for 
over 20 years, and I'm so thrilled with 
your Emeril Lagasse interview (Febru- 
ary). Watching his cooking show Emeril 
Live is a sensual experience. If he puts 
half as much "bam" into his love life as 
he does into his cooking, he won't be sin- 
gle for long. 1 can only fantasize. 

Yolanda Medina 
San Antonio, Texas 


An interview with some goddamn 
cook? Whar's next, an interview with a 
celebrity seamstress? Come on, PLAYBOY, 
where is the long-awaited Kenneth Starr 
interview? 

Ray Yee 

Walnut Creek, California 


In 1968, the great restaurateur Stuart 
Levin took over New York's Le Pavillon 
from Henri Soule. Levin died five years 
ago, but werc he alive today, I'm certain 
he'd agree with Lagasse that food is an 
aphrodisiac. In a cover story I wrote on 
Levin in Restaurant Hospitality, 1 de 
scribed a meal he had prepared at Top 
of the Park as erotic eats that lead to per- 
fect foreplay. Levin wanted diners to en- 
Joy their food and have great sex as а 
result. Shortly after Lagasse opened Em- 
eril's, my wife and I dined there. When 
we left in the wee hours of the morning, 
we knew there was only one way to cap 


the night. 


Stephen Michaelides 
Cleveland, Ohio 


Ym a culinary student at the same 
school Emeril Lagasse attended. I watch 
his programs religiously and consider 
him one of the most brilliant chefs and 
restaurateurs in the country. But Emeril 
is confused about where he ate that great 
cheeseburger in Mount Pleasant, South 
Carolina. He said the burgers at Melvin's 
were cooked on a grill with a bit of hick- 
ory and none of the processed junk. So I 


went there anticipating a work of art. I 
was extremely disappointed with the bur- 
ger. The next time Emeril is in Mount 
Pleasant and craves a great cheesebur- 
ger, he should drive past Melvin's and 
head straight to Sticky Fingers. 

Chris Newman 

Charleston, South Carolina 


THE NAKED TRUTH 
As a retired stripper, I appreciate A.J. 
Benza's defense of the Scores girls (The 
Naked and the Dead, February). But he 
gives readers the impression that strip- 
ping is glamorous. The truth is that 
many strippers are single mothers strug- 
gling to raise their children without the 
benefit of sufficient education or child 
support. They often have deadbeat boy- 
friends with whom they have violent re- 
lationships. Their lives are not fun- 
filled; they're chaotic and sometimes 
tragic. All the money I made dancing for 
men was spent as fast as I made it—and 
I never used any of it for an education. 
Thankfully, my life is back on track, and 
the years I spent in clubs now seem like 
an amusing anecdote. 
Jennifer McDonagh 
Wheat Ridge, Colorado 


HOLY ROLLER 
In the last election, voters said no to 
Pat Robertson’s scowling, judgmental 
philosophy (The Holy Terror, by Mark 
Bowden, February). Let's never elect a 
Robertson stooge as president. 
Mark Naeser 
Jamestown, New York 


Robertson is a dangerous man. He has 
no respect for the rights of others to fol- 
low their own conscience, rel n or 
worldview in moral issues. 

Michael Shearer 
Tualatin, Oregon 


VODKA: THE WATER OF LIFE 
Your article on the world’s best pre- 
miere vodkas (Cold Gold, February) is 


GAMES 


‘The latest and the greatest. 


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wished to take to the skies with- 
out the high cost of lessons. With 
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FLY! lets players pilot one of five 
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Whether they choose a single 
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jet, FLY! pilots will notice the 


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Once borne, pilots is 
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world. Air Traffic Control (ATC) 
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ilots to interact with the tower 
ог safe approach and departure 
at more than 9,500 airports and 
13,500 different runways. 


Coming soon on both PC and 
Mac platforms, FLY! gives pilots 
total control over their aircraft, 
their environment, апа their 
experience, It’s the best way for 
every flight enthusiast to test his 
skills, use his judgment, and 
learn about his aircraft while 
carning his wings. 


For more information visit www. 
godgames.com or www. iflyiri.com. 


Advertisement 


PAYE RIO 


interesting and informative, but I enjoy 
mine warm. like sake. І highly recom- 
mend to the sophisticated PLAYBOY read- 
er Krolewska vodka. 


F Plummer 
Naturita, Colorado 


RAH RAH SIS BOOM BAH 
1 love your NFL Cheerleaders pictorial 
(February)—especially Bonnie-]ill Laf- 
lin. She's the Deion Sanders of the side- 
lines and definitely the right choice to 
kick off things. 
Rodney Hogsten 
Falls Church, Virginia 


Every Sunday afternoon and Monday 
night, thousands of men fantasize about 
what the team cheerleaders look like un- 
der their sexy uniforms. Thanks for mak- 
ing that fantasy a reality. 

Danny Thomas 
Kansas City, Kansas 


PAM-DEMONIUM 
Pamela Anderson (She Is . . . Pamela, 
February) has а great body, but enough 
is enough. Nobody likes to eat steak ev- 
ery night. 
Terry Sherman 
Boise, Idaho 


"Thanks for bringing back Pamela An- 
derson. She has proved to the world that 
a woman can be both a mother and a sex 
goddess, and that keeps me motivated. 

Tina Hyder 
Minor, North Dakota 


I've seen Pam Anderson in the nude 
countless times and I still can't get her 
out of my mind. 

Tim Honquest 
Rockford, Illinois 


I've always been a believer in the if- 
it-feels-good-do-it philosophy, but Pam 
Anderson doesn't need to share her ev- 
ery intimacy with readers. A little mys- 
tery can go a long way. 

Jean Pieper 
North Haven, Connecticut. 


It's disappointing to see how many tat- 
toos Pam has. I guess if she had a Rolls- 
Royce, she'd carve her initials on the 
hood with a pocketknife. 

Jim Crumpley 
Springfield, Missouri 


Pamela's eighth cover is unbelievable. 
I can't wait to see number nine. There 
isn't a man on this planet who wouldn't 
want to see more of her. Even after two 
children, she's still the bomb. 
Jay Leger 


Lafayette, Louisiana 


Can we please get over Pamela Ander- 
son? I'm wondering if there is a man out 
there who hasn't seen her naked. She's 


18 hada lot of surgery and has a lot of tat- 


toos, and I've had my fill. PLAYBOY is so 
good at finding sex stars. Why not find 
another one? 
Preston Price 
Cincinnati, Ohio 


STACY IS A NATURAL 

When I received the February issue, 
I opened it anticipating another love- 
ly Pam Anderson pictorial. Instead, 
my breath was taken away by Stacy Fu- 
son (Nuclear Fuson). Her natural beauty 
leaves the surgically augmented Ander- 
son in the dust. Imagine my surprise 
when I turned to the Playmate Data 
Sheet and saw Stacy standing next to her 
boyfriend, who I immediately recog- 
nized as a high school classmate. No of 
fense to my old friend, but if he can land 
this incredible woman, there's hope for 
us all. 


Beau Lynott 
Crown Point, California 


The waiting is over. Thank you for fi- 
nally making Stacy Fuson a Playmate. Af 
ter seeing her on the October 1997 соу- 
er and on MIV, 1 knew this day would 
come. In my book, she’s the greatest 
Playmate ever. 


Michael Morgan 
Fort Worth, Texas 


Tm thrilled the girl next door has fi- 
nally returned. 
Bill Bessette 
Burlington, New Jersey 


CALLING DR. LAURA 
I always enjoy PLAYBOY's Year in Sex 
(January), but I have a quibble this year. 
‘There was no mention of where Dr. Lau- 
ra's nude photos can be found on the In- 
ternet. Come on, guys, share the wealth 
with your readers. 
Randy Davis 
Barboursville, Virginia 
If you do a Dr. Laura search, you may come 
up with а free shot. If you want to be sure, 


unrw.clublove,com will give you the whole se- 
ries for $24.95 a month. 


EARTHLY DELIGHT 
Thank you for Michael Lemonick's ex- 
cellent article on the search for planets 
that might support life (Earth (o Universe: 
Do You Read? January). pLavsoy should 
publish more such articles and less of 
the crap preached by Deepak Chopra, 
which contributes to the increasing rate 
of scientific illiteracy in our society. 
Егіс Pakulak 
Eugene, Oregon 


KOSHER SEX 
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (Kosher Sex, 

January) makes an astute and coura- 
geous argument that oral sex is not a sin 
and that the Code of Jewish Law should 
be taken only as advice. Then he revers- 
es himself on the issue of masturbation. 
There is no biblical prohibition against 
self-pleasure; the sin of Onan didn't in- 
volve masturbation. Rabbi Boteach's 
point concerning masturbation in mar- 
riage misses the mark. By his own rea- 
soning, the prohibitions against mastur- 
bation must be considered advice and 
not law. 

Charles Moser 

Institute for Advanced Study 

of Human Sexuality 
San Francisco, California 


As a family life-sex educator, I’m in- 
terested in different perspectives on hu- 
man sexuality. Boteach’s article contains 
a great deal of useful information about 
improving sexual relations. However, 
the problem is that he has ignored cer- 
tain Jewish customs that did not pro- 
mote healthy relations. According to the 
Old Testament, a Hebrew man could sell 
his wife and children into slavery. Only 
Hebrew men could initiate divorce. Men- 
struation was viewed as unclean, and 
men did not interact with their wives 
during that time. All of us could develop 
a better attitude about sexuality, but to 
rely on an ancient book written during 
times of ignorance and by a patriarchal 
culture seems a mistake. 

William Reid 
Corvallis, Oregon 


GOING GLOBAL 
Asan economist, I share William Grei- 
der's views (Chicken Little Goes Global, Jan- 
чагу) concerning the unregulated inter- 
national flow of capital and labor. But 
Га like to add something. The losses of 
manufacturing jobs in the U.S. are grow- 
ing pains of a changing global economy, 
and America can't afford to resist change 
any longer. We must retrain and educate 
workers in our service industries if we 
are to maintain a viable economy. 
Glenn Rivera 
San Antonio, Texas 


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PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS 


COCK ROCK 


Can you sing with your mouth full? 
Indie label Callner Music has responded 
to the growing demand for quirky con- 
cept albums by issuing Porn to Rock, a 
compilation of 13 songs written and per- 
formed by porn stars. The album fea- 
tures tracks by Ginger Lynn, Hypatia 
Lee, Suzi Suzuki and Midori (who is the 
younger sister of pop diva and PLAYBOY 
model Jody Watley), among others. It's 
better than you'd think. Madison's Man 
on the Moon and Johnny Toxic’s Happy 
are catchy and clever, though admitted- 
ly Vinnie Spit and Mistress Jacqueline's 
Asshole Man is an awful track. And lyrics 
don't get more redundant than those in 
Drink Beer and Fuck by Nina Whett (I just. 
wanna drink beer and fuck/I just wanna 
drink beer and fuck/1 just wanna drink beer 
and fuch/ Fuck yeah!). Porn to Rock won't go 
platinum, but it will redefine "adult al- 
bum alternative.” 


A BOOK TO PORE OVER 


The Simon & Schuster catalog an- 
nounces the publication in June of the 
256-page book How to Wash Your Face, by 
Barney Kenet and Patricia Lawler. We 
look forward to the companion volumes: 
How to Comb Your Hair, How to Button Your 
Shirt and How to Wipe Your Ass. 


GETTING JETER WITH IT 


According to The New York Observer, 
Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has devel- 
oped from a turner of double plays to a 
source of double entendres. The phe- 
nomenon began at a party thrown by 
Sean “Puffy” Combs when Jeter uncere- 
moniously spurned his ex-girlfriend, 
Mariah Carey. The verb “to jeter” be- 
came a synonym for giving the cold 
shoulder. Since then the use of “jeter” 
has proliferated and taken on dozens of 
new meanings, such as: 

То dodge or weave: Did you see thal? He 
Jetered right past the guard! 

To hassle: Damn! I’m tired of being jetered 
by the Man. 

To pass: Jeter me that beer, would you? 

To wet: She was laughing so hard she je- 
tered her pants. 


To kick: Don't make me jeter your ass. 

To surgically alter: Did you have your 
breasts jetered? 

In addition, jeter has been adopted as 
a noun: 

A magic johnson: My jeter itches. 

An SUV: That 15 one wicked jeter! 

It’s also been added to the long list of 
words used to describe one of our fa- 
vorite body parts: Look at the size of those 
jelers! 


WEATHER STRIPPING 


It could catch on here. The Czech Re- 
public's most popular TV station has a 
nightly weather report featuring a nude 
forecaster who says nothing. Rather, she 
holds up clothes that would be right for 
the next day's weather. 


PHRASE TURNER 


The Oxford Dictionary of 20th Century 
Quolations is out, and not a moment too 
soon. Gems include epitaphs (“Не was 
an average guy who could carry a tune” 
and "Rest in peace. The mistake shall 
not be repeated"); famous last words 
(Love? What is it? Most natural pain- 


ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY 


killer. What there is . . . love"—William 
Burroughs, 1997; “How's the Em- 
pire?"—George V, 1936) and misquota- 
tions ("Come with me to the Casbah," 
“Play it again, Sam," "I paint with my 
prick" and "You dirty rat"). 


TRICKY DISH 


Where's the cottage cheese and ketch- 
up? At Nixon's, a new restaurant in Phoe- 
nix, the 37th president's favorite snack is 
not on the menu. But there's no short- 
age of conversation starters. Political 
consultant and restaurateur Jason Rose 
says Nixon's is "not a typical restaurant 
where you sit there across from your 
date and don't have anything to talk 
about." There are two huge murals 
(one depicts Nixon dressed as George 
Washington crossing the Delaware), vid- 
eos (Nixon's resignation speech sound- 
tracked by the Eurythmics’ Would I Lie to 
You?) and other oddities (such as “in- 
restaurant polling”). As Rose says, “I 
think we're the only restaurant that has 
a Barry Goldwater album next to Bob 


Dylan's. 


BONE OF SILENCE 


Apparently the sound of videotapes, 
page turning and one-hand clapping is a 
real problem at sperm banks. Now a de- 
vice similar to Get Smart's Cone of Silence 
provides a cost-efficient way to muffle 
those protean inhibitors. Produced by 
Lencore Acoustics, the bucketlike con- 
traption dangles above individual stalls 
and replaces noise with nonintrusive 
ambient background sound. However, 
because the device is concealed behind 
ceiling panels, you won't always know if 
you're protected. Sorry about that, chief. 


BUTT BUDDIES 


Two cigarette enthusiasts recently set 
up the art deco Circa Tabac in New 
York's Soho. The plush lounge features 
140 brands of imported and domestic 
cigarettes, a cocktail bar, gourmet ap- 
petizers and desserts. The decor evokes 
"Twenties-era sophistication, with antique 
tobacco-related posters hinting at a 
new age of Prohibition. Among the most 


21 


RAW 


DATA 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | 


QUOTE 
“In a lot of movies 
these days, the sex 
drives of people are 
played down. It used 
to be there was more 
sexuality in films. 1 
think films are much 
too tame now.” 
—MATT DILLON 


CHEW DOING? 

Americans chewed 
485 billion sticks of 
gum last year. 


KEEP MOVING 

Number of people 
who travel every day 
through the main 
concourse in New 
York City's Grand 
Central Station (the 
largest public room in the country): 
500,000. 


DOWN AT THE HEEL 
Ina recent survey of working wom- 
еп, percentage who wear sneakers at 
work (not just to and from the work- 
place): 23. Percentage who wear high 
heels; 3. 


GENERATION Y? 

According to research published in 
the Journal of the American Medical As- 
sociation that charted the proportion- 
ate decline of male births rclative to 
female births in the U.S. and Canada, 
number of boys not born from 1970 
to 1990: 46,600. 


LIVE LIKE MIKE 

Asking price for Mike Tyson's 20- 
bedroom, 24-bath, 7-kitchen house 
in Connecticut: $13 million. Asking 
price for his 13,000-square-foot Las 
Vegas mansion: $5.9 million. Asking 
price for his Ohio home, which fea- 
tures a basketball court and a zcbra- 
striped theater: $2.2 million. 


USER-FRIENDLY 
In a survey of 457 psychothera- 
pists, percentage who conduct thera- 
py sessions over the telephone: 30. 
Percentage who offer the once-rare 
weekend appointment: 32. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


Four of five men who die 
while having sex do so while 
cheating on their spouses. 


THE BIG SHOW TIME 

Average running 
time in 1997 of a 
professional baseball 
game, including ex- 
tra innings: 2 hours, 
56 minutes. Average 
time last season: 2 
hours, 52 minutes. 
Average number of 
home runs per game 
in 1997: 2.05. Aver- 
age number last sea- 
son: 2.08. Record for 
homers per game: 
2.19 (in 1996). 


== 


BOSS HOG 

Cost of last ycar's 
farewell party for 
U.S. Secretary of En- 
ergy Federico Peña 
(paid for by govern- 
ment employees who dug Into their 
own pockets): $4183. Cost (paid by 
taxpaycrs) of two goodbyc partics 
thrown for Postmaster General Mar- 
vin Runyon, whose last four years 
netted a billion dollars in profits: 
$82,508. 


BIG BANK ROLLS 
Number of additional automo- 
biles owned by the average Rolls- 
Royce owner: 6. Number of Rolls- 
Royces owned by the Rolls-Royce 
world record holder: 90. 


NO WOMB FOR DISPUTE 
Number of embryos created from 
in vitro fertilization that are current- 
lyin storage: 100,000. Number of fro- 
zen embryos awaiting resolution of 
disputes, usually the divorce of the 
parents: 20,000. 


WHOA, BABY! 

Number of pregnancies per year in 
America: 6.3 million. Percentage that 
are unintended: 49. Percentage of 
women in 1976 between the ages of 
15 and 44 who had no children: 35. 
Percentage 20 years later: 42. 


SMART SCALPER TRICKS 
Going price for a scalped ticket to a 
taping of Late Night With David Letter- 
man: $300. —BETTY SCHAAL 


triguing imports are Indian Darshan 
Bidis in scents that include cardamom, 
wild cherry and strawberry ($5 per pack), 
Chinese Double Happiness ginseng ciga- 
rettes ($6) and Dutch Amazone that con- 
tain a dose of caffeinelike guarana ($7). 
As dazzling as the array of smokes, Circa 
‘Tabac is equipped with an air-filtration 
system that leaves clothing fresh, cyes 
clear and nonsmokers nonsmoky. 


CALYPSORDID 


Winner of the 1998 St. Croix calypso 
contest: The Mess on the Dress (Make the 
President Confess) by Revengade. 


iMAC DADDY 


With its cameos on 40-plus shows, in- 
cluding Ally McBeal, Buffy the Vampire 
Slayer and The X-Files, the Apple iMac 
may be due for a Best Supporting Ac- 
tor award. Felicity features a character 
who repeatedly refers to his iMac as “the 
coolest thing ever.” Suzanne Forlenza, 
who handles product placement re- 
quests for Apple, says the computer's 
next star turn will be as a sex symbol: 
iMacs will appear in Austin Powers II: The 
Spy Who Shagged Me. According to For- 
lenza, the set designers “thought the 
iMac looked shagadelic.” Yeah, baby. 


HARD SCRABBLE 


Scrabble was invented long before po- 
litical correctness circumscribed the lan- 
guage. According to the Official Scrabble 
Players Dictionary (copyright 1978 by Sel- 
chow and Righter), words such as goy, 
yid and dago used to be acceptable. 
These days the electronic version of 
the game contains its own dictionary. If 
you play a taboo expression, it is pro- 
nounced “not a valid word.” The rules 
seem arbitrary. We played “fart” and lost 
our turn. But Maven, our electronic 
opponent, played “tup” (definition: “to 
copulate with a ewe") with no penalty. As 
we proceeded to investigate, we were 
distraught to find one of the most de- 
scriptive phrases in the English language 
had been torn asunder. Bodacious was 
ruled acceptable; tatas, however, was 
not. A world without bodacious tatas? 
Never. Scrabble players of the world: 
Take back the board. 


WAY OFF BROADWAY 


Drawing from the massive list of 
Goofy Play Titles of 1998 assembled by 
Playbill Online, we've selected our own 
slate of Plays We're Most Glad We 
Missed. It's headed by Santa's Busted Jaw, 
My Mother Was an Alien—Is That Why Im 
Gay? and Waiter, There's a Slug іп Му Lat- 
te. We would have included Die Die, Di- 
ana, but we'd go just to see how one cre- 
ates "a musical comedy about the death 
of Princess Diana" without involving An- 
drew Lloyd Webber. 


Ву LEONARD MALTIN 


Fd TV (Universal) sounds like a retread of 
The Truman Show. But, thanks to the in- 
genuity of screenwriters Lowell Ganz 
and Babaloo Mandel (who reworked a 
French film called Louis XIX: King of the 
Airwaves) and the sure hand of direc- 
tor Ron Howard, the film stays on tar- 
get. Matthew McConaughey plays a guy 
who's never quite gotten his act togeth- 
er—no surprise, considering his lay- 
about family, including a braggart of 
a brother (Woody Harrelson), a flaky if 
well-meaning mother (Sally Kirkland) 
and an indigent stepfather (Martin Lan- 
dau). When an ambitious TV producer 
(Ellen DeGeneres) proposes to her boss 
(Rob Reiner) that they boost their cable 
network's ratings by putting an ordinary 
guy on television 24 hours a day, Mc- 
Conaughey is chosen, and learns that 
the fun of being in the spotlight wears 
thin pretty fast. Jenna Elfman plays his 
brother's girlfriend who secretly car- 
ries a torch for him. This fine ensemble 
gives weight to a clever script that wa- 
vers between satire and cinema verité— 
that is to say, it seems frighteningly real. 
How long before a real cable network 
tries this stunt? ¥¥¥ 


When it comes to fashioning movie 
mosaics, no one compares to Robert Alt- 
man, as he proves once more in Cookie's 
Fortune (October). The story takes a back- 
seat to the gallery of characters on hand 
in the small town of Holly Springs, Mis- 
sissippi, which is practically a character 
itself. It's the kind of place where every- 
body knows everybody—and there are 
no secrets. Cookie is an aging eccentric, 


Casting directors do yeoman service 
for filmmakers, but some directors like 
to make their own discoveries. John. 
Sayles has said that onc reason he en- 
joys taking small acting roles in other 
people's films (such as Malcolm X and 


CASTING ABOUT IN HOLLYWOOD 


Gridlock'd) is that he gets to observe 
other performers at work. 

Many directors like to hire people 
they've worked with before. Thus, Law- 
rence Kasdan's first call is usually to 
Kevin Kline, who first acted for Kas- 
dan on The Big Chill 16 years ago, and 
has since worked for him in Silverado, I 
Love You to Death, Grand Ganyon and 
French Kiss. 

Garry Marshall tries to find a part 
for Hector Elizondo in every one of his 


a — 
Cruz: A sensuous presence. 


Private life made public, 
small-town doings, 
crashing the big time. 


played with grace and authority by Patri- 
cia Neal. Her best friend is the laid-back 
Willis, who's so richly played by Charles 
Dutton that his performance alone is 
worth the price of ad ion. Cookie's 
unexpected death sets the story in mo- 
tion, and involves everyone from her 
nieces (a theatrical Glenn Close, a mousy 
Julianne Moore) and the town's prodigal 
tramp (Liv Tyler) to the local constab- 
ulary (Ned Beatty, Chris O'Donnell). 
Cookie's Fortune is loose, appealing and 
blissfully unimportant. And for those 


movies—there have been nine so far— 
from Young Doctors in Love to Pretty 
Woman to this year's The Other Sister. 
Marshall is known for his loyalti: 
He frequently casts Steve Restivo, the 
proprietor of an Italian restaurant in 
his neighbor- 
hood, in small 
parts as head- 
waiter and bartender (and even asked 
him to coach Al Pacino on how to play 
the short-order cook in Frankie and 
Johnny). 

Some directors like putting veteran 
actor Harry Carey Jr. in their films be- 
cause of his long association with John. 
Ford, or L.Q. Jones because of his ге- 
lationship with Sam Peckinpah. Carey 
got to play a shaky sheriff in Tombstone, 
and Jones has recently turned up in 


The Edge and The Mask of Zorro. But 


of you who are counting, Lyle Lovett 
makes his fourth Altman appearance, to 
no visible effect. ¥¥¥ 


Penélope Cruz distinguishes Open Your 
Eyes (Artisan) with her radiant presence, 
and leading man Eduardo Noriega is 
clearly a hunk, but their roles are about 
all there is to recommend in this murky 
psychological thriller from director Ale- 
jandro Amenábar. Noriega falls in love 
with what seems to be an ideal woman. 
But fate, in the person of his jealous for- 
mer girlfriend, deals him a blow. For the 
rest of the film we bounce back and forth 
from present-day reality to nightmarish 
visions of the past. The once-cocky young 
man is now a tortured soul, and, frankly, 
we don't fare much better. Amenábar 
won praise in Spain for his previous fea- 
ture Tesis, but this latest effort is not a 
worthy follow-up. ¥ 


A young man risks everything to make 
it big in Hollywood. Is this a film from 
the Thirties or Fifties? No, it's the Міпе- 
ties. The goal is a recording contract, not 
movie stardom, and the setting is the 
Billboard Live club on Sunset Strip, not 
Schwab's Drug Store, But in other ways, 
Clubland (Legacy) bears an uncomfort- 
able resemblance to formula films of the 
past. Newcomer Jimmy Tuckett plays 
the lead singer of the eponymous Ken- 
nedy Johnson band, whose members 
have moved to Los Angeles from subur- 
ban Riverside, determined to succeed. 
"They've also inherited Kennedy's inef- 
fectual older brother as their manager. 
What's more, the guys have a hunch that 
their airhead drummer is dealing drugs 


lifelong film fanatic Joe Dante (Grem- 
lins, Small Soldiers) consistently casts ac- 
tors he loved as a kid, including Kevin, 
McCarthy, William Schallert and the 
ubiquitous Dick Miller, the gruff star of 
such early Roger Corman B movies as 
A Bucket of Blood. Dante doesn’t in- 
dulge in charity work, however. These 
actors deliver the goods and make film 
bufis in the audience as happy as the 
director. 

Then there is casting by chance. 
While making their low-budget film 
Just the Ticket on the streets of Man- 
hattan, producer Andy Garcia and di- 
rector Richard Wenk were discussing 
who to cast as a Broadway box-office 
attendant, when character actor Abe 
Vigoda walked by. The two looked at 
each other, realized he was their man 
and pounced. —LM. 


24 


=) 


Jay Mohr seems 
much too level- 
headed to be a 
stand-up com- 
ic or an actor, 
but he is borh. 
Since his note- 
worthy per- 
formance as 
"Tom Cruise's 
rival in Jerry 
Maguire, he's 
been busy in 
such films as Sui- 
Mohr: A stand-up cide Kings, Small 
kind of guy. Soldiers, Picture 
Perfect, 200 Ciga- 
rettes, Playing by Heart, Paulie and 
Go. But he still loves doing comedy 
and in fact had performed in Bos- 
ton the night before we spoke in 
New York. 

"It's what I know,” he explains, 
"and it's where all my friends arc. 
I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I 
don't chase girls—you know, Pm 
married. I'm pretty square, so I go 
to a comedy club and I know every: 
one who hangs out there and they 
all have funny stories to tell. Those 
are my friends, those are the guys I 
run with." 

But he takes acting seriously, 
even though he's had no formal 
training. (“Му mother once told 
me that I've always been an actor, 
and that I just figured out how to 
do stand-up comedy first.") But 
when prodded, he admits that а 
really good comic is a professional 
observer. "Yeah, I think you have 
to be perceptive and attentive—de- 
ceptively attentive is one way of 
putting it." 

Mohr says he learns the most 
from watching performances on- 
screen, not while he's working on 
sets. Still, he values his experiences 
with Tom Cruise, Gena Rowlands, 
Ellen Burstyn (his mother in Play- 
ing by Heart, in which he's dying of 
AIDS) and his hero, Christopher 
Walken (whom he imitates with 
skill and gusto). 

Determined not to take just any 
movie that comes along, Mohr is 
content to wait for good parts. But 
in the meantime, he can always do 
comedy. 

“I'm happy either way, man. I've 
got a great wife and a great dog 
and my family’s healthy and hap- 
py. I mean,” Mohr says with that 
disarming levelheadedness, “this is 
just a job." — 


to make a few bucks on the side. If the 
dramatic ingredients of this film—writ- 
ten by top music producer and song- 
writer Glen Ballard—were as strong as 
the music, it might have real potential. 
But Clubland deals mostly in clichés, with 
a smarmy villain who seems to have wan- 
dered in from a Sylvester Stallone movie 
shooting nearby. ¥¥ 


‘The Spanish-British co-production 
Twice Upon a Yesterday (Trimark) is a de- 
but feature for director María Ripoll 
and novelist Rafa Russo. Douglas Hen- 
shall plays a Scotsman whose philander- 
ing causes a breakup with his longtime 
girlfriend (the beautiful Lena Headey). 
In his despair, he stumbles onto a pair 
of garbagemen whose magical powers 
whisk him back in time and give him the 
chance to undo his mistake. But life 
holds many twists. This could have been, 
and should have been, a better film. The 
sensuous Spanish star Penélope Cruz 
plays the newest woman in Henshall's 
life, while the always-welcome Elizabeth 
McGovern has what amounts to a cameo 
role. Twice Upon a Yesterday doesn't make 
the most of its intriguing premise. ¥¥ 


Гхе always thought it was beneficial— 
if not necessary—to like at least one 
character in a movie. But I couldn't find 
anything redeeming about the young 
people whose lives intertwine in Go (Co- 
lumbia), and, as a result, I didn't like the 
film. Since this is the latest film by direc- 
tor Doug Liman (of Suingers fame), Go 
comes with a certain pedigree of hip- 
ness. Its credits even include a Rave 
Technical Consultant. But if I were to 
encounter any of the group portrayed 
here—scummy, hedonistic, lying, irre- 
sponsible kids who'll do anything for a 
quick hit or a good time—I'd run in the 
other direction. Yes, I do admire the tal- 
ented cast, including the terrific Sarah 
Polley, Katie Holmes, Jay Mohr, Scott 
Wolf, Taye Diggs and Desmond Askew. 
And yes, I know this is a comedy, but it 
didn't make me laugh. ¥/2 


If a film has a great story to tell, it 
doesn't have to be bold or innovative. 
Joseph Vilsmaier's The Harmonists (Mira- 
max) is the compelling saga of the Ger- 
man singing group the Comedian Har- 
monists, who were popular in the late 
‘Twenties and early Thirties. A confronta- 
tion with the National Socialist Party is 
as inevitable as a romantic conflict be- 
tween founder Harry Frommerman (Ul- 
rich Noethen) and his partner Robert 
Biberti (Ben Becker)—but all of it, ap- 
parently, is true, (The same story was 
chronicled in a three-hour German doc- 
umentary.) With healthy samples of the 
Harmonists' infectious music, the film 
vividly captures its time and place. ¥¥¥ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Among Giants (4/99) Rachel Griffiths 
and Pete Postlethwaite star in this off- 
beat look at rough-and-tumble Brit- 
ish workers from the writer of The 
Full Monty. Wh 
Clubland (See review) An aspiring 
tock star tries to break into the big 
time. A bundle of clichés sparked by 
some good music. 

Cookie’s Fortune (See review) An a 
star Robert Altman mosaic set in Hol- 
ly Springs, Mississippi. wy 
Ed TV (See review) A struggling cable 
network decides to follow one guy 24 
hours a day—with amusing and sur- 
prising results, Wy 
Go (See review) A Christmas weekend 
in the lives of a handful of dead-eyed 
kids in which sex, drugs and violence 
make for lots of laughs Wa 
The Hormonists (See review) Fascinat- 
ing chronicle of a popular musical act 
in Weimar Berlin. Wy 
Just the Ticket (Listed only) Andy Gar- 
cia plays a ticket scalper and lifelong 
screwup whose only goal is to please 
his sometime girlfriend, Andie Mac- 
Dowell. Original and entertaining, 
but also long and unfocused. | YY/2 
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels 
(4/99) A clever, brutal, Tarantino- 
esque crime yarn from England. ¥¥¥ 
Metroland (4/99) A penetrating look at 
a happily married young man who 
has a good job, but still wonders if he 
has sold ош. Christian Bale and Emi- 
ly Watson star. wy 
Open Your Eyes (See review) The hero 
is trapped in a nightmare in which 
past and present blur. We don't fare 
much better. ¥ 
Payback (Listed only) Mel Gibson's 
considerable charisma is the only as- 
set of this really dumb (and quite bru- 
tal) revenge thriller. yy 
She's All That (Listed only) Freddie 
Prinze Jr. bets he сап turn class odd- 
ball Rachael Leigh Cook into a prom 
queen—if she'll only take off those 
darned eyeglasses. Innocuous and 
utterly predictable. Wh 
True Crime (Listed only) Clint East- 
wood is in top form as star of this sol- 
id story about a burned-out reporter 
who is trying to save a convict on 
death row. wy 
Twice Upon a Yesterday (See review) A 
young man gets to relive his recent 
past and avoid screwing up a long- 
time relationship. A forced attempt at 
whimsy. vy 


¥¥ Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


YYYY Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


Жолы к” 
GOODMAN ` 
ALL MEJ WANT JUSTICE: "d 


EEW ARE WILLING TO. 
PAY THE PRICE. 


RN o ШП ШШЕ 
SATURDAY, APRIL 17 9PM ET/PT H 


www.hbo.com ©1999 


VIDEO 


OUEST SHOT 


“One of my favorite 
films is Jimmy Cliff's 
The Harder They 
Come, the story of 
the rude boy who 
brought reggae mu- 
sic to the world,” 


says Beau Bridges. “1 

love High Noon, one 
of my dad's first films. I also love Sterman, 
an excellent film that my brother, Jeff, was 
in. Of my films, | like Norma Rae and The 
Landlord best. | love to make people laugh 
and | love to laugh myself, so comedies are 
my favorite genre. Some Like It Hot is one | 
enjoy. The Mouse That Roared makes me 
laugh every time.” SUSAN KARUN 


FAKESPEARE 


Shakespeare іп Love is so entertaining we 
almost missed Gwyneth Paltrow's nudi- 
ty—almost. Thrilling as it is, the rousing 
story is entirely fiction. Then again, the 
Bard of Avon is used to getting co-writ- 
ing credits. 
My Own Private Idaho (1991): River Phoc- 
nix and Keanu Reeves are homosexual 
prostitutes who drift from the Potato 
State to Italy. We don't remember nar- 
colepsy in Shakespeare, but director Gus 
Van Sant swears his story is based on 
Henry IV, Part 1. 
Chimes at Midnight (1966): Orson Welles 
cribbed from five of Shakespeare's plays 
to tell this battle-strewn tale of Falstaff 
(Welles) and Prince Hal (Keith Baxter). 
One of the best faux Bard efforts. 
Prospero’s Books (1991): Nudity abounds 
in Peter Greenaway's head-scratching, 
dense meditation on what exiled Pros 
pero (John Gielgud) was reading on 
island after that tempest. Brilliant, chal- 
lenging art. 
Ron (1985): The daughters are now sons 
and the setting is feudal Japan, but it’s 
still King Lear. At 75 and nearly blind, 
Akira Kurosawa fashioned a masterpiece 
worthy of the Bard. 
Kiss Me Kote (1953); The Taming of the 
Shrew is retold by tunesmith Cole Porter 
as Howard Keel tries to make Kathryn 
Grayson buckle under. Unlikely singers 
Keenan Wynn and James Whitmore per- 
form the showstopping Brush Up Your 
Shakespeare. Filmed in 3D. 
Men of Respect (1991): This was slammed 
by critics but deserves another look. 
Mobster John Turturro gets in over his 
head in this menacing, sometimes silly 
Godfather-meets-Macbeth. 
To Be or Not to Be (1942): Polish actors 
turned reluctant spies Jack Benny and 
26 Carole Lombard make a mockery of Na- 


zis in this darkly hilarious Ernst Lubitsch 
classic. 

West Side Story (1961): It’s switchblades 
instead of swords when the Sharks take 
on the Jets (subbing for Romeo and Juliet's 
Montagues and Capulets) in the mean 
streets of New York City. Is Natalie 
Wood worth dying for? Oh yeah. 
Looking for Richard (1996): The Bard of 
the Hudson, Al Pacino, stars in and di- 
rects (and even begins to act a little like 
the diminutive hunchbacked Duke of 
Gloucester in) this years-in-the-making 
documentary about his production of 
Richard Ш. — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


VIDBITS 


Comedic anarchy is a male thing: How 
many women would rejoice upon hear- 
ing that new Three Stooges and Laurel 
and Hardy tapes are in hand? The three 
masters of mirthful mayhem star in the 
behind-the-scenes Three Stooges Family Al- 
bum, a rare career retrospective called 
Kook's Tour and а never-broadcast 1949 
ABC-TV pilot called Jerks of All Trades 
(Anchor Bay; $10 each). The dynamic 
duo brings bedlam to six newly colorized 
clas: from 1929 and 1930, including 
The Hoosegow, wherein the boys fill the 
governor's leaky radiator with rice (Hall- 
mark; $10 each). 


--вм. 


LASER FARE 


GUILTY 
PLEASURE 
OF THE 
MONTH 


It's billed as hav- 
ing the biggest 
budget ever in 
the history of 
adult movies. 
Maybe so. But 
Search for the 
Snow Leopard: 
Eve of the Hunt has some other 
things going for it besides a really long ti- 
tle. Notably, Asia Carrera and Ashton 
Moore. The performers enliven this tale of 
опе woman's quest to save the snow lenp- 
ard from extinction while finding her own 
sexual enlightenment. How bad can that 
be? And, thank goodness, Siegfried and 
Roy do not make a guest appearance. 


What Dreams May Come DVD (Polygram, 
$40) is expected to reach stores in May, 
within two months of its debut on tape. 
This is the tale of the bittersweet trans- 
figuration of an earnest, dead doctor 
(Robin Williams) when he finds that his 
beautiful, bereaved widow (Annabella 
Sciorra) committed suicide. And while it 
Һа: sappy moments, the 
richly s jc visuals are trans- 
fixing. The feature disc includes galler- 
ies of production stills used to give the 
film its paintlike effects. 

—-GREGORY P FAGAN 


Pleasantville (Nineties teens thrust into а two-toned Fifties 
TV setting slowly spread color; astounding, if ultimotely ba- 
nal), The Cruise (documentory ride oround New York with ec- 
centric guide Timothy "Speed" Levitch; beguilingly fun). 


The Imposters (bad actors Stonley Tucci and Oliver Platt moke 
wacky on o Thirties cruise liner, falls just shy of Marx Bros. 
zany), Antz (Woody Allen's ond Sharon Stone's voices take 
on the big bugs; Orwellian script lifts il above kiddie fore). 


The Weterboy (loser Adom Sondler vents pent-up roge vio fe- 
rocious footbolling; dopey diversion, ond Kathy Botes is a 
scream), Strange Brew (the McKenzie brothers save o brew- 
ery; 1983 cult fove, just reissued, refreshes like belch). 


COMEDY 


Shadrach (o Depression-era form boy's fomily tokes in an ex- 
slove; Williom Styron story affectingly filmed by his daughter, 
Susanno), One True Thing (Martha Stewart-like mom gets 
the big C; а weeper worth watching, thanks to Meryl Streep). 


alc. "mr. smooth” 


sta Rom 


2 a Bind af еї 


gees down 


66F_799 


Straight, rocks, or mixed, its rum mantigue! 


TROPICO” LIQUEUR. TROPICO AND BACARDI ARE REGISTERED TRADEMARKS OF BACARDI LIMITED ©1999. BACARDI-MARTINI U.S.A. ING. MIAMI, FL LIQUEUR 16% ALC. BY VOL. 


COUNTRY 


The Mountain (E-Squared) by Steve Earle 
and the Del McCoury Band shows that 
Earle is the greatest rebel in Nashville, 
the kind of guy who ends his live show 
by singing Wild Thing. Bluegrass, espe- 
cially as it is played by a purist group as 
great as McCoury's, can be restrictively 
formal. But Earle has his traditionalist 
side, which makes this one of his most 
personal albums. Texas Eagle is the story 
of a young boy's adventures on the last 
great Texas railroad train, and Earle 
sings it with such conviction that you be- 
lieve it’s autobiographical. Carrie Broun 
sets out to be a classic Appalachian mur- 
der ballad until Earle obsesses over the 
death penalty. Pilgrim expresses the spir- 
itual convictions that saved his life. Not 
that he totally avoids character songs: 
Harlan Man, The Mountain and Leroy's 
Dustbowl Blues tell stories that couldn't 
have happened to him—stories of men 
whose lives and 1 oods have been 
demolished, sometimes by the work that 
gives them their identity. Earle has 
grown into one of the finest, bravest per- 
formers in America—not just in country 
or roots music, but in any genre. 

Doug Sahm calls his new album s.p.Q. 
“98 (Watermelon), I suppose because the 
Sir Douglas Quintet seems as antique as 
the British Invasion. But the album is 
not antique at all, even though the best 
track is the old Ray Price hit Invitation to 
the Blues. Sahm's version of the Quintet 
here includes Austin’s best roots band, 
the Gourds. But thirty years after She's 
About a Mover, the signature instrumen- 
tal voice is still Augie Meyers’ Vox or- 
gan—except when it's his accordion. 

—DAVE MARSH 


ROCK 


Collective Soul shies away from flail- 
ing attempts at originality. Instead it 
goes for classic songwriting. That was 
true of the band's first three albums, and 
it’s true of its fourth, Dosage (Atlantic), 
which ought to produce several more 
hits and solidify Collective Soul's posi- 
tion at the top of the light heavyweight 
division. Singer and guitarist Ed Roland 
has an unerring ear for dressing up his 
hooks with just the right special effects. 
The music shimmers, grabs the ear with- 
out biting it off and leaves you thinking, 
Maybe I should play that cut five or s 
more times. Radio-friendly? Yes, indeed. 
Cynical, carcerist craftsmanship? Nope. 
Lyrically, Roland hopes for redemption 
and love, disapproves of betrayal, greed. 
and whining. If you want deeper, read 
a book. 

Static-X has labeled its sound rhyth- 


28 mic trancecore. Since I appreciate bands 


Earle tells it on The Mountain. 


Storytelling from Nashville 
rebel Steve Earle, live Hendrix 
and the Latin Playboys. 


who supply my nomenclature for me, I'll 
just add that Static-X plays really fero- 
cious rhythmic trancecore on its debut 
release, Wisconsin Death Trip (Warner Bros.). 
Fans of Ministry and White Zombie will 
no doubt appreciate the relentless groove 
on Death Trip, but Static-X also offers the 
discerning metalhead imaginative ar- 
rangements within the trance. 

— CHARLES M. YOUNG 


In 1994, Los Lobos’ David Hidalgo 
and Louie Perez joined studio advisors 
Mitchell Froom and Tchad Blake on a 
side trip they dubbed the Latin Play- 
boys. Froom's ability to meld Blake's 
samples into conventional song forms 
has never been this open. And while, on 
Dose (Atlantic), the Latin Playboys have 
to try a little harder than Los Lobos, the 
music is almost as beautiful. There are 
tunes and riffs aplenty, songs too, but 
they're all subsumed in a mood defined 
by stories and talk. It's homemade music 
that sounds picked out on a barrio porch 
and dance music that sounds blasted 
from a cheap РА system. You'll hear Los 
Lobos' amalgam of blues, rock and Mex- 
ican sounds. And you'll hear not just 
music, but their world. 

Los Lobos vocalist Cesar Rosas has al- 
ways resisted this arty approach, so while 
his compadres were off mixing their 
fantasias, he penned most of the songs 
on Soul Disguise (Rykodisc). The writing 
and singing are accomplished, and a 
New Orleans bump adds another ele- 


ment to Los Lobos’ eclecticism. But in 
the absence of truly superb writing and 
singing, the album doesn’t stand out. 
The Latin Playboys were invented to 
avoid such competence. 

—ROBERT CHRISIGAU 


Band of Gypsys is the last Jimi Hendrix 
record released during his lifetime, and 
it is easily his most controversial. This er- 
ratic and brilliant concert album helped 
cement his reputation as an improvisa- 
tional genius оп a par with John Coltrane 
and Charlie Parker. But the negatives 
were equally strong: Next to the incendi- 
ary Machine Gun, the other five tracks 
scemed half-baked. Hendrix had jctti- 
soned Noel Redding and the amazing 
Mitch Mitchell for a couple of Ameri- 
cans, consisting of Billy Cox on bass and 
Buddy Miles on drums and vocals. Cox 
was excellent, but Miles was at best a 
mediocre timekeeper and an annoying 
vocal ham. Yet friends who attended the 
four New Year's shows from which this 
record was drawn claim to have heard 
some of Hendrix’ best playing. The new 
16-song expanded and revised edition 
of the album, now called Jimi Hendrix: Live 
at the Fillmore East (MCA) proves them 
right. Some of the original tracks have 
been replaced with alternate or expand- 
ed takes from the four shows. And the 
ten new selections include terrific per- 
formances of Hendrix staples such as 
Voodoo Child (Slight Return) and Stone Free 
that, like Machine Gun, highlight his im- 
provisational powers. It's been almost 30 
years, but we can now hear Jimi as one оҒ 
the great soloists of the century. 

— VIC GARBARINI 


RAP 


One of hip-hop's most unexpected 
trends has been the reemergence of DJs 
as key creative forces. Mix tapes—com- 
pilations of DJ-manipulated tracks ac- 
companied by new rap vocals—were an 
underground staple during this decade. 
‘These tapes, typically sold at swap meets, 
flea markets and on street corners, high- 
lighted popular DJs and allowed rappers 
toleak new material without commercial 
pressures. But nothing in the Nineties 
hip-hop world stays underground for 
long. Mix tapes have moved to major la- 
bels. No longer just remixes, they now 
contain many original tracks and are 
marketed like other releases. D] Clue's 
The Professional (Def Jam) is a 22-track 
collection that features appearances 
from stars such as Nas and Missy Elliott 
as well as newcomers such as Made Men 
and the Boot Camp Clik. The tracks 
range from boring to biting, capturing a 
Cross section of contemporary hip-hop 


approaches to rhyme and production. 
The two outstanding numbers on it are 
It’s On featuring DMX and Gangsta Shit 
featuring Jay-Z, who enjoyed a break- 
through in 1996. If you're looking for a 
way to get a grip on where hip-hop will 
be headed in the next century, The Pro- 
fessional is an excellent start. 

— NELSON GEORGE 


POP 


Producer and songwriter Gregg Alex- 
ander—also known as New Radicals—is 
a cheeky white pop-star wannabe who 
has the chops to fulfill his ambition. His 
debut album, Maybe You’ve Been Brain- 
washed Too (MCA) is smart, occasionally 
self-conscious and surprisingly sophisti- 
cated. His You Get What You Give isa great 
song, although the rest of the album isn’t 
as assured. Even so, with this start, New 
Radicals is destined to grow old on Top 
40 radio. —NELSON GEORGE 


JAZZ 


‘Two young jazzmen map future fu- 
sions on their major-label debuts. On 
trumpeter Russell Gunn's Ethnomusicolo- 
gy Volume ! (Atlantic), a robotic voice in- 
vites students to attend an album-length 
course with Professor Gunn Fu. The 
syllabus uses vocal samples, turntable 
scratches, science fiction effects and 
rhythms robbed from a mid-Seventies 
Miles Davis. It's one of the best-yet 
blends of jazz and hip-hop. On Sem New- 
some & Global Unity (Columbia), the sopra- 
no saxist leads a Mideast-flavored band 
heavy on percussion, vocals and oud. 
Newsome successfully recasts both the 
obvious—Ellington's desert classic Cara- 
van—and the surprising: Go Down Moses. 

МЕШ TESSER 


With the recent passing of Betty Car- 
ter, there has been speculation that the 
age of great female vocalists has come to 
an end. Don't despair. If you're looking 
for the next Abbey Lincoln, I have some 
good news, Her name is Teri Roiger, and 
she's been woodshedding in New York's 
Catskill Mountains with Jack DeJohnette 
and Kenny Burrell, both of whom back 
her on her extraordinary debut album, 
Misterioso (Igmod). Roiger has a voice 
that's like the finest bittersweet choco- 
late—full of rich, dark and contradicto- 
ту flavors that blend to create one of 
the most original vocal instruments in 
decades. She breathes new possibilities 
into three Thelonious Monk tunes, a 
Charles Mingus standard and some ex- 
cellent compositions by bassist John Men- 
egon. Drummer DeJohnette and guitar- 
ist Burrell are inspired to create some 
of their most exquisite music. 

—VIC GARBARINI 


FAST TRACKS 


OCKMETER 


Christgau 

Collective Soul 
Do: 3 
The Professional 4 2 8 6 
Steve Earle 
The Mountein 9 9 6 8 8 
Jimi Hendrix 
Live at the Fillmore 

Eost 7 10 10 
Lotin Playbo; 
ee 9 7 g d ШУ) 


GET YOUR TICKETS NOW DEPARTMENT: We 
hear Barbra Streisand plans to ring 
in the year 2000 at the MGM Grand 
in Las Vegas—for a payday of about. 
$10 million. Happy days are here 
again, indeed. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Master P has 
launched a film company. The first 
two movies are No Tomorrow starring 
Pam Grier, Gary Busey and P in a sus- 
pense-action-drama, and Foolish, a sto- 
ry based on comedian Eddie Griffin's 
life. . . . Everclear's Art Alexakis plays a 
thief and a member of a New York art 
band in Committed, co-starring Heather 
Graham. . . . Method Man plays a deaf- 
mute in Bill Duke’s indie movie Bundy. 
In other Wu movie news: Raekwon will 
star in Lucky Man, about blacks and 
Italians in Brooklyn and Staten Is- 
land. . . . Pras is appearing in Mystery 
Men, a misfit action movie starring 
Geoffrey Rush, Janeane Garofalo, Ben Stil- 
ler, Hank Azaria and Claire Forlani. . . . 
Mariah Carey has filmed The Bachelor, 
co-starring Chris O'Donnell. Next up, 
All That Glitters, about a singer and 
her DJ love interest. 

NEWSBREAKS: Alanis Morissette will 
tour the world this year. . . . Beatles 
news includes a hotel planned for Liv- 
erpool topped with a Lucy in the Sky 
With Diamonds suite. On a less silly 
note, a live recording from a 1963 
concert went for $43,000 at a London 
auction. .. . Songs by Elvis, Dylan, Stevie 
Wonder, Old Blue Eyes and Louis Arm- 
strong, to name a few, will appear on. 
Sing America: A Celebration of America 
and Its Music, a CD to raise money to 
restore historic sites. This is Hillary 
Clinton's baby. The CD will be joined 
by a book and a TV special. . . ` Robert 
€roy's next CD will be produced by 
Steve Jordan, who has worked with 
Aretha, Booker T. & the MGs and the 
Neville Brothers. . . . A new ballet, Mem- 


phis, premiered in that city with music 
by Elvis, Al Green, Otis Redding and John 
Lee Hooker, among others. . . . Phil 
Collins has taken a pass at contributing 
to his own tribute album, but look for 
Montell Jordan and a full gospel choir 
doing Against All Odds. . . . Despite all 
the carping by fans, alternative music 
sold very well last year, second only to 
R&B and surpassing all those sound- 
tracks, including Titanic... . Well, it’s 
not Michelangelo's house, but plans 
are under way to mount a plaque on 
and possibly save from demolition the 
house in London where Keith 
and Brian lived in the early Sixties. ... 
The year isn't even half over and 
we're sick of people telling us to party 
like it's 1999. In order to be first, 
MTV? played that song for 24 hours 
straight on January 1. . . . Dweezil and 
Ahmet Zappa are going the Dean Martin 
route with a variety show on USA, 
Happy Hour. . . . We'd be the first to 
admit that Ted Nugent stories have kept 
Fast Trackers laughing, and his 50th 
birthday party in Detroit was no ex- 
ception. Ted arrived in a Humvee 
stretch limo and his guests included 
the governor of Michigan and Johnny 
Bee of Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels. 
Dinner was a wild-game extravagan- 
za, including pheasant, venison and 
alligator. Ted played a short set, his 
last public appearance for a year, and 
good wishes poured in from John Pop- 
per, Jeff Foxworthy and Conan O’Brien. 
Alice Cooper said: “Hey, Ted. You're 
a bombastic, gargantuan, head-blud- 
geoning, boot-stomping, ear-smash- 
ing, mind-melting, high-caliber, 
knife-wielding, steely-eyed son of a 
gun from Michigan. But other than 
that, you’re just another 50-year-old 
guy.” Alice should know about mid- 
dle age—he's working on a serious 
golf game. — BARBARA NELLIS 


11 mg. “tar”, 0.9 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


~ 


32 


WIRED 


SIX STEPS TO Y2K COMPLIANCE 


While you're busy stockpiling canned 
goods and bottled water in preparation 
for the millennium bug meltdown, don't 
overlook the potentially rebellious na- 
ture of your home computer. Although 
most PCs purchased in the past couple 
of years won't һауе trouble recognizing 
the year 2000, older computers will need 
a minor fix. To evaluate your machine, 

follow these six 
steps. 


(1) Visit the NSTL testing lab at www. 
nstl.com. Its site features a long list of 
computer systems that are already Y2K 
compatible. (2) If your PC isn't listed, 
download a copy of NSTUs YMark2000. 
This free utility checks your basic input- 
output system, the software that соп- 
verts the two-digit year kept by your 
computer's internal clock and then pass- 
es it on to the operating system. (3) Go to 
the Control Panel in Windows and 
open Date/Time. (4) Change the time to 
one minute before midnight and the 
date to December 31, 1999. (5) Turn off 
your machine and wait a few minutes. 
(6) Turn your machine back on and 
check the year. If it’s anything but 2000, 
you'll need to do some Web surfing. 
Most PC manufacturers offer Y2K man- 
uals on their sites, as do software giants 
such as Microsoft and Intuit. The utility 
program Check 2000 PC vill also search 
for problems in a wide variety ofapplica- 
tions. If you own a Macintosh, relax. Ex- 
cept for the rare software glitch, you're 
ready for the roll. —CHIP ROWE 


LET THE FORMAT BATTLE 
BEGIN—AGAIN 


We wish that electronics makers would 
get their acts together and agree on new 
format standards rather than force con- 
sumers to decide between competing 
technologies. But in the Beta-versus- 
VHS tradition, they're battling again— 
this time for control of our ears—with 


two compact disc formats known as 
DVD Audio and Super Audio CD. Avail- 
able in Japan this spring and in the U.S. 
this fall, both technologies promise 
higher-quality digital stereo, and both 
claim software compatibility with cur- 
rent CD and DVD gear. That's good 
news. 'The bad news is that the new 
formats are incompatible, so you may 
end up choosing a loser. At this point, 
DVD-A appears to have an edge. Be- 
cause it's an extension of DVD video, it 
will be included in stand-alone stereo 
units and as an added feature in some 
DVD video players. It's also being mar- 
keted by audio powerhouse Dolby Labs, 
which will encourage software makers to 
produce discs coded with both 
DVD-A and 5.1-channel 
Dolby Digital Surround 
sound. Plus, it has early 
support from Panason- 
ic, Toshiba, Pioneer, 

D JVC, Denon and 
Kenwood. In the 
SACD corner are de- 
velopers Sony and Philips, and 
backers Sharp, Onkyo, Marantz 
and Accuphase, with their own 
variation of a “superfi” stereo. 
=== Companies on each side say 
there's room for both formats, with 
DVD.A targeting the home theater mar- 
ket and SACD the audio purists. We say: 
Tell that to the guys who bought into 
Beta, 3DO and DCC. —JONATHAN TAKIFF 


WILD THINGS 


Can't get enough of radio host Art Bell's UFO, сгор- 
circle and government-conspiracy ramblings? With 
а new service called Command Audio, you can get 
your Bell fix—and then some. The $15-per-month 
service delivers the audio portion of more than 100 
TV and radio programs and recorded print features 
to ЕСА5 CA-1000 wireless receiver (5200, pictured 
here), ollowing you to listen to news, weather and 
talk shows when you want and where you want. 
The CA-1000 (similar in size to a remote control) 
has up to six hours of onboord memory and plays 
back programming through speakers, head- 
phones or your car radio. Set to debut this sum- 
mer in Denver ond Phoenix, Command Audio 
and the CA-1000 will be available in eight ad- 
ditional morkets by the end of 1999, followed 
by a nationwide rollout in 2000. * Anoth- 
er smort product from RCA is the RC930 Wire- 
less Modem Jack, o $100 godget that lets you 
turn апу electricol outlet into а phone jack. 
Designed to accommodate cable modem 
speeds up to 57.6K, the RC930 is also com- 

patible with telephones, faxes and digital sat- 

ellite systems. You can buy a slew of add-on 

extensions ($60 each) and save yourself the. 

cost and hassle of hiring the phone company: 

to install individual jacks. —BETH TOMKIW 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 171 


LIVING ONLINE 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


WORLDWIDE WHEELS 


The Internet doesn’t just offer tons of 
information about car buying, it’s also 
loaded with guidance that will keep you 
from being a sucker in the salesroom. 

The first place to stop is the Kelley 
Blue Book site (kbb.com), to establish 
the trade-in value of that old clunker. It 
works like the print version 
of the Blue Book: You speci- - 
fy the year, make, model, | 
options and condition of 
your car; the site crunches 
the numbers and comes up 
with a fair trade-in price. 

Next, go to Edmund's (edmunds. 
com) to read pro-and-con reviews of the 
car you're interested in plus full specs, 
insurance information and the invoice 
price the dealer pays the manufacturer 
for the car. Be sure to read the lengthy 
section that explains how to negotiate 
with the enemy. Another place to obtain 
detailed price information is Microsoft's 
CarPoint (carpoint.com). 

Once you've done your homework, 
you can walk into your local dealer- 
ship armed with printouts or you can 
avoid the sharks and buy online. At 
Auto-by-Tel (autobytel.com), you fill 
out a form specifying make, model and 
options. In a couple of days, you get a 
call with a no-haggle price. To be sure 
you get a fair quote, use several car-buy- 
ing services at the same time (CarPoint 
and Autoweb.com are both good). The 
service reps will pretend your request 
for a quote is your promise to buy a car 
from them. Don't waver. Tell them to 
buzz off if you don't like their deal. 

If you like their offer but don't keep 
that much money under your mattress, 
you can apply for a loan online at CarFi- 
nance.com. The site offers two kinds of 
loans: a traditional installment plan or a 
quasi lease (called FasyOwn). You can 
use the site to find out exactly how much 
your monthly payment will be. Once the 
loan is approved, you'll have a check in 
hand to take to the dealer the next day. 


ELECTRONIC MEMORY ENHANCER 


"The new buzzword for sites designed 
to help organize your life is webware. 
One of the newest, LifeMinders (life 
minder.com), automatically sends e-mail 
to remind you of birthdays, bills, ap- 
pointments, car maintenance, new video 
and book releases, etc. To set it up, you 
have to fill out several pages of personal 
information—the kind of car you drive, 
the names and birthdays of your ac- 
quaintances, what types of entertain- 


ment you like. The more information 
you're willing to give, the more useful 
the service becomes. Before I divulged 
anything, however, I read LifeMinders' 
privacy policy and learned that the com- 
pany promises not to provide informa- 
tion to third parties if I send a blank 
e-mail to “never@mindersoft.com.” (I 
promptly did.) Once I completed the 
forms, I started receiving all kinds of 
formation tailored to my age, financial 
status and entertainment preferences. I 
learned about product recalls, oil change 
specials, life insurance tips and tax plan- 
ning ideas. Almost every tidbit was use- 
ful; I saved some of them for later refer- 
ence. LifeMinders also has made good 
manners a simple matter of pushing a 
button: Whenever a birthday cornes 
around, I receive an e-mail two 
weeks in advance, conve- 
"X nient links to online flower and 

gift delivery services. 


COMPARISON SHOPPING 


When I walk into an electronics 
superstore to buy a VCR or cam- 
corder, I'm overwhelmed by the 
array of choices. Often the only dif- 
ference I can discern between one 


elec- 
tronic box 
and another is the 
price. CompareNet (com 
parenet.com) was designed to bring to 
light the differences between similar 
products. The site has information on 
hundreds of consumer goods and ser- 
vices, from toasters to Toyotas. You сап 
construct side-by-side comparison charts 
of different products. Some of the prod- 
uct listings come with reviews, and if you 
find what you want, you can click on a 
link to order it. Best of all (for some of us 
gadget addicts), after you tire of your 
shiny new toy, you can unload it by tak- 
ing оша classified ad on CompareNet. 


SLEEP FOR CHEAP 


The Hotel Reservations Network (180 
096hotel.com/) is a good place to find 
rooms at discount rates. This hotel con- 
solidator serves 14 major U.S. cities, as 
well as London and Paris. The site's a 
snap to use—enter the dates you want, 


and you'll receive a list of hotels, along 
with the discount rates. Pick one, enter 
your credit card information and you'll 
get a confirmation number. When I was 
recently invited—on 24 hours’ notice— 
to a can't-miss party in Oakland, I used 
HRN to find a room at a nearby hotel 
for half the rack rate. I wish you could 
use the site to search for specific hotels, 
but HRN doesn’t work that way. If you 
want to stay at a particular hotel, and it 
doesn’t show up in your search results 
here, try Travelocity (travelocity.com) or 
Expedia (expedia.com). 


AND YOU THOUGHT ATMs 
WERE COOL 


ATMs have made the long lines, velvet 
ropes and hideous murals of bank lob- 
bies a fading memory. But now that I've 
signed up for online banking, I'm seeing 
even less of the robotic tellers I'd learned 
to love. I pay bills, check balances and 
update stock portfolios using the web. 
"I he first time I reconciled my check reg- 
ister with my bank's online statement, I 
felt connected to the cosmic order. 

But it took a little prep work to 
achieve financial satori. 1 applied for an 
online account at Wells Fargo (wellsfar 
go.com) and had to fill out several forms. 
‘The process took about 20 minutes. I 
was told I could expect to receive a 
package in a week or so. When two 
weeks passed and no materials had 
arrived, I resubmitted my appli- 
cation. This time it took five days 

before my checkbook, debit card 
and password arrived in the mail. 
A couple of days later, a woman 
named Carmen from Wells Fargo 
left a message, asking me to call her 
to discuss a problem with my new ac- 
count. She left an 800 number. I called, 
and after wending my way through a 
byzantine voice mail system, I reached 
Brad, who had no idea how to connect 
me with Carmen. Brad looked up my ac- 
count and said he couldn't see anything 
amiss. I still have no idea what she want- 
ed. I had to go through a similar rigma- 
role to change the address that appeared 
on my checks. 

Carmen notwithstanding, I have been 
using my online account for a couple of 
months with no complaints. To get an 
online account, you can visit Quicken. 
com, which provides extensive reviews 
and ratings of all the major banks that 
offer online services. One day soon, 
the only people who will file through 
those velvet ropes will be employees and 
bank robbers. 


You can reach Mark Frauenfelder by e-mail 
at ottomalik@earthlink.net. 


33 


BOOKS 


TOO MUCH NOSTALGIA TOO SOON 


The 1998 season resurrected baseball. Who could fail to be 
thrilled by the saga of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, the 
drama of Kerry Wood's 20 strikeouts, the near invincibility of 
David Wells and the New York 
Yankees, or the courage of Eric 
Davis and Darryl Strawberry as 
they faced and beat colon can- 
cer? We just pray those memo- 
ries can survive the surfeit of 
sports journalism on the topic. 
An early entry in the “Wasn't 
that a great season?” derby, Mike 
Lupica's Summer of ‘98 (Putnam), 
is an excessively sentimental but 
quick read that occasionally 
drifts to the ridiculous. Consid- 

г: "In a different time," writes 
Lupica, "in a different America, 
the America of Monica's dress 
and a presidenr's lies, the eyes 
turned toward McGwire and 
Sosa." Could our founding fa- 
thers have imagined baseball 
saving the nation? Or could we 
have imagined it would be resur- 
rected so dramatically after the 
strike? Can't we just leave it at fun? Lupica wants to write nos- 
talgia, but nostalgia, like wine, requires time in the boule. He 
popped the cork too soon. 


w, Records Fell 


Т7 ix 


MAGNIFICENT 
HBAS IS VO) In 7 


The Marquis de Sade has held center stage in the erotic 
imagination for centuries. Compared to him, Don Juan was 
just а guy wha got lucky. Casanova, Frank Harris ond Will 
Chamberlain can claim quantity, but none af them shaped 
ler warped) the sexual imagination os did the marquis. Neil 
Schaeffer's The Marquis de Sade: A Life (Knopf) explores his 
romantic side. For those who prefer exploring the dark side, 
two new volumes from Birch Lane Press will guide you 
through the dungeons. Claudia Varrin, a professional domi- 
natrix (in public) and a slave (in private), presents them both 
fairly. The Art of Sensual Female Dominance is filled with tosty 
little scenarios, including Director's Chair Bandage and Easy 
Cock ond Ball Torture. Give it os a gift to empower your girl- 


friend. At the other end of the whip, Varrin offers Erotic Sur- 
render: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission, a collection of 


tricks for the masochist in her. —IAMES R. PETERSEN 


LAUGH DIET 


The market for humor books has become laughably small, 
which is a shame, because there's a special delight in laughing 
out loud when you're alone with a book. In his latest novel, Lit- 
Не Green Men (Random House), Christopher Buckley takes ап- 
other leap forward in establishing himself as the finest comic 
novelist working today. John O. Banion is Washington's most 
powerful media smoothy, a smug political talk-show host who. 
can bring the president of the U.S. to his knees. Nathan 
Scrubbs is a disenchanted bureaucrat, weary of his job ata su- 
persecret government agency that stages UFO abductions to 
keep military spending levels up. In a moment of pique one 
drunken Sunday morning, Scrubbs orders the works for Ban- 
ion—daytime abduction with anal probe—sending millions of 
UFO believers to the nation's capital, with Banion as their 
messiah. Not only is Buckley sidesplittingly funny, he's also а 
deft storyteller and brilliant stylist who can blend a perfect 
measure of suspense into farce. A 
former speechwriter for George 
Bush, Buckley is at his best 
when he’s wry and dry, por- 
traying Washington as a place 
where anything is believable 
but no one is to be believed. If 
Bush had given Buckley free 
rein to write his speeches, he 
could have laughed his way to 
reelection. Getting clected presi- 
dent is the premise of Al Franken's 
Why Not Me? The Inside Story of the Mok- 
ing and Unmaking of the Fronken Presi- 
dency (Delacorte). Franken, who cut 

his teeth writing lines for Saturday 
Night Live and now for Lateline, has a 
tough act to follow—himself. His last book, 
Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot, was good pol = 
ical satire that landed some well-aimed boulders in the path of 
the conservative right. Now, Franken writes strictly for laughs, 
which is too bad, because the book becomes almost a опе- 
mensional effort, and Franken has proved himself to be deep- 
er and capable of better things. Nonetheless there are plenty 
of laughs to be had in this dear-diary account of Franken's 
imaginary run for the presidency in the year 2000. He cam- 
paigns on the single issue of eliminating service charges at 
automated teller machines, which strikes a chord with the 
electorate and paints Al Gore into a corner as the banking in- 
dustry’s best pal. Franken demonstrates a great take on the 
shallowness of the political process, starting with his delib- 
erately lame version of the requisite 

candidate's autobiography. Especially 
good are the transcripts of TV pro- 
grams in which pundits analyze 
Franken's political rise (and Al Gore's 
fall), and the Bob Woodward parody 
of President Franken's first (and last) 
100 days in office. —PAUL ENGLEMAN 


FLYING SAUCERS: 

It is hard to believe folks once flung pie 
tins, cookie-can covers and ice-cream 
lids for fun. Happily, one genius 
thought to patent a piece of plastic. 
Master World Frisbee chompion Victar 
Malofronte chronicles his sport's his- 

tory (beginning in ancient Greece) in The Complete 

Book of Frisbee (Lyons Press), which alsa offers the first official price 
guide for callectors. Enthusiasm for these flying disks is catching— 
even with the dag. —HELEN FRANGOULIS 


А few insights into the dreams of men. 


The average male 5% of all men man gets 
only remembers 62% have а recurring aroused at 


of his nightmare. once per night. 


FITNESS 


KICK BUTT TO STAY FIT 
By John W. Ellis IV 


If watching Jackie Chan kick gluteus maximus has you in- 
terested in learning the secrets behind his skills, you're not 
alone. Martial arts зам in the U.S. are thriving. And while 
many newcorners to aikido, karate and tae kwon do join for the 
self-defense techniques, they get hooked on the workouts. An 
hour of kicking and punching and blocking and spinning not 
only improves strength, endurance, coordination and flexibil- 
ity, it also burns up around 800 calories. What's more, the goal- 
oriented nature of the various disciplines—training to advance 
from a white belt to a black belt—is often just what a gym rat 
needs to stay motivated. So if you're ready to break from your 
health-club routine, or simply want a taxing supplement, we 
offer this martial arts primer. Highlighted are six disciplines 
that provide a challenging aerobic and strength workout. 
Commit to any one of these, and you'll be able to fend off street 
thugs—and look awesome doing so. 


Aikido 

Background: Aikido, or “the way of har- 
mony,” is a nonviolent defensive art that 
focuses on enriching the soul. 

Features: Centers on complicated yet 
graceful throwing techniques that use an 
attacker's momentum against him. 

Fitness Fix: Students learn how to roll 
and fall without incurring injuries. Us- 
ing circular movements, aikidoists sub- 
due or throw an opponent by manipu- 
lating his joints. Training emphasizes 
strength and flexibility in the upper 
body and joints, especially in the wrists. 

Where You've Seen It: Aikido master Ste- 
ven Seagal took the peaceful art to a new 
level when he started breaking limbs оп 
film in Above the Law. 


Capoeira 

Background: This art was brought to 
Brazil in the 16005 by African slaves and 
covertly developed under the guise of a 
dance form. 

Features: Cartwheels, somersaults, back- 
bends, flips, flying kicks and headstands are often performed 
to live music—rare in the martial arts. 

Fitness Fix: Think twice about taking up capoeira if you 
throw out your back lifting a remote control. Classes feature a 
succession of gymnastic drills that develop arm, upper torso 
and back muscles. Five minutes of negativas (a variation of a 
push-up done with two hands and one foot) would make a 
hardened Marine cry. The signature kick is a shot made to an 
opponent's head while executing a one-handed handstand. 

Where You've Seen It: Longtime martial artist Wesley Snipes 
showed off his capoeira kicks as the vampire slayer in Blade. 


Jujitsu 

Background: Jujitsu, “the art of suppleness,” can be traced to 
12th century Japan and has spawned several arts, including ju- 
do, the first martial art to be recognized as an Olympic sport. 

Features: Throwing, choking and immobilizing an opponent 
with painful joint locks—punctuated by deep grunts—are 
trademark jujitsu techniques. 

Fitness Fix: Jujitsu is all about developing flexibility, leverage 
and speed. The constant pushing and pulling ofa partner and 


88 grappling on a mat provide intense endurance, strength and 


cardiovascular training. 
Where You've Seen It: In Ultimate Fighting Championship 
matches. 


Karate 

Background: Numerous forms of karate, including goju-ryu, 
isshin-ryu and shotokan, have been developed over hundreds 
of years in Okinawa and Japan. 

Features: In all types of karate, attackers are met with direct 
blocks, while linear kicks and strikes are used as offensive 
movements. Many styles incorporate weapons, such as the 
staff, nunchaku and sickle. 

Fitness Fix: Most karate classes drill participants on blocking, 
strikes and kicks to the point of exhaustion, then pair them off 
in practice fights (called free sparring). Karate also makes use 
of katas, which are preset patterns of defensive and offensive 
moves against imaginary opponents—a great tool for solitary 

training. Weapons practice develops superior 
hand-eye coordination and forearms that would 
put Popeye to shame. 

Where You've Seen It: Forget about 
Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid. Chuck 
Norris in The Octagon is more like it. 


Tae kwon do 

Background: Developed from several 
ancient styles of Korean martial arts, 
“the art of kicking and punching” is a 
leading martial arts discipline around 
the world. 

Features: Tae kwon do techni 
clude jumps and devastating spinning 
kicks to an opponent's head. 

Fitness Fix: Classes are designed to 
toughen all parts of the body and pre- 
pare students for unarmed combat. As 
ith karate, sessions involve kicking and 
suiking drills, patterns and free spar- 
ring. Advanced students can perform 
spectacular aerial spinning kicks, with 
enough hang time to rival Air Jordan. 
Tae kwon do schools emphasize strength 
and flexibility of the muscles in the legs, 
abdomen and lower back. Instead of 
using weapons, tae kwon do students 
develop steely hands and feet powerful 
enough to break several inches of wood or brick. 

Where You've Seen It: The 1988, 1992 and 1996 summer 
Olympics. 


Wu shu 

Background: Wu shu, or “war arts,” is the correct term for the 
discipline often referred to as kung fu, reportedly developed 
by Shaolin Temple monks in China more than 2000 years ago. 
There are now hundreds of variations. 

Features: Wu shu techniques involve circular strikes and kicks 
patterned after animal movements, including those of the 
tiger, snake, crane and praying mantis. Many wu shu styles en- 
compass a variety of weapons, including whips, chains, fans 
and swords. 

Fitness Fix; Most animal-style wu shu arts are based on long, 
complicated patterns similar to karate’s katas. The classes de- 
velop balance, flexibility and coordination through the use of 
low stances and crouching positions. Some styles, such as wing 
chun, feature leaping kicks; others, like tai chi, use slower, 
grounded movements. 

Where You've Seen It: Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon and Jackie 
Chan's The Drunken Master are wu shu classics. 


МЕМ 


"m no spring chicken, but you should 

see my older brother. He was born 
in Verona, about 250 miles north of 
Rome, іп 84 в.с. That was 2083 years 
ago, by the way, so I never got to know 
him personally. He disappeared from 
history about 54 B.C., when he was in his 
early 30s. Julius Caesar was in power 
then, and I think old Julius might have 
had a hand іп my brother's disappear- 
ance. After all, Julius was the butt of 
some of my brother's toughest humor, 
and Julius never could take a joke. 

My brother's name was Gaius Valerius 
Catullus. You might think I’m joking, 
but I'm not. I adopted Catullus as my 
brother the first time I read some of his 
poems. He is one hell of a writer, and he 
proves, I think, that men are timeless 
and that our instincts do not change 
from generation to generation. 

My brother was witty and irreverent. 
He was also politically incorrect. His 
work survived the grim Dark Ages in the 
form of a single manuscript in Verona, 
but ever since then his promoters and 
detractors alike have censored his words. 
(1 will use the esteemed translations of 
Carl Sesar, who captured Catullus better 
than anybody else, and I have taken the 
liberty of printing these quotes in the 
prose form.) 

What angered Caesar about Catullus? 
(“There you go getting mad at my po- 
ems again, my innocent poems, you big, 
bad general, you,” Catullus writes.) Take 
a look at this poem Catullus wrote about 
Caesar and one of Caesar's political 
cronies, Mamurra (Caesar's chief engi- 
neer in Gaul and a man who was always 
on the take, just like his boss): “They're 
beautiful together, the odd couple, Ма- 
murra and Caesar his queen. Naturally. 
You get two splats of shit together, one 
from the city, the other from Formiae, 
and you can never wash them off. One's 
as sick as the other, twin diseases in their 
little bed, with their little minds, and 
both still fuck-hungry besides, beating 
each other out after girls.” 

If you were living in Rome at the time, 
would you have had the courage to write 
a poem like that about the most power- 
ful man around? I didn't think so. 

Catullus was unlucky in love. Sound 
familiar? He fell for a woman he calls 
Lesbia in his poems. Her real name was 
Clodia. She was older than him, and her 
beauty and perversity fascinated him. 
She toyed with him, took him as her 


By ASA BABER 


MY OLDER 
BROTHER 


lover, cheated on him and did not try to 
hide it. Catullus wrote: “Му woman says 
there's nobody she'd rather marry than 
me, not even Jupiter himself if he asked 
her. She says, but what a woman says to 
a hungry lover you might as well scrib- 
ble in wind and swift water." And in an- 
other poem he wrote: "Let her enjoy 
herself with her cheap lovers, clamp 
them up between her legs by the hun- 
dreds, say it's love, while one after an- 
other she breaks them inside her, but let 
her not look to my love anymore. After 
all she's done, it fell, like a flower at the 
edge ofa field that the plow barely touch- 
es in passing.” 

I can relate to those lines. One of my 
greatest loves, a woman several years 
older than me, treated me in much the 
same fashion—and then dismissed me 
from her life completely when she read 
some of my Men columns. 

The first poem I ever read by Catullus 
(there are 113 in all, plus a few frag- 
ments) was his humorous reproach to 
his friends Furius and Aurelius, who 
had mocked his poctry as too lewd and 
sentimental: “Up your ass and іп your 
mouth, Aurelius, and you, too, Furius, 
you cocksuckers, calling me dirt because 
my poems have naughty, naughty words 
in them. Anyway, look, they've got wit, 
sass, and sure they're lewd and lascivious 
and can get somebody pretty hard up, 


too. I mean not just young kids, but you 
hairy guys who can barely get your stiff 
asses going, so just because you read 
about a lot of Kisses you want to put 
something nasty on me as a man?" Con- 
cluded my man: "Fuck you, up your ass 
and in your mouth." 

Not words most academics are com- 
fortable with, but common words from 
the street, part of the true dialogue of 
our inner lives. As my good brother Ca- 
tullus writes: "Maybe some of you will 
read my stuff, as clumsy as it is, and not. 
even fecl dirty about putting your hands 
on me." 

A master of the male insult, Catullus 
knew how to skewer his buddies: "Ig- 
natius has white teeth, that's why he's al- 
ways smiling. Go to court, he smiles. Ar a 
family funeral, he smiles. I mean, there's 
nothing dumber than a dumb smile. But 
now you're a Celtiberian, and they take a 
leak and save it for the morning to brush 
their teeth and rub their gums, so the 
whiter and brighter your teeth sparkle, 
the more piss of yours we know you've 
been drinking.” 

If somebody asked me what I enjoy 
most about being a man (aside from the 
obvious), I would point to our range of 
emotions and the way we can move in a 
flash from humor to seriousness. We are 
incredible people that way. Catullus had 
that ability, so let me close with one of his 
most serious poems. It is to his older 
brother, who died and was buried near 
the ruins of Troy. Catullus visited his 
grave while on a military expedition: “1 
crossed many lands and a lot of ocean to 
get to this painful ceremony, my brother, 
so I could finally give you gifts for the 
dead, and waste time talking to some 
silent ashes. Fate did wrong. my brother, 
to tear us apart. But I bring you these 
offerings anyway, after the old custom 
our parents taught us. Take them soaked 
with your brother's tears, and forever 
more, my brother, goodbye.” 

There is a fragment from a lost poem 
of Catullus that says it all: “at non effu- 
gies meos iambos,” which means, loosely 
translated, “but you won't get away from 
my poems.” 

"That's the truth. But I don't want to 
get away from your poems. Thanks for 
your gifts and your honesty and your 
example. And don't forget to give my 


best to Julius. 


37 


Why wait? 
You can switch down 
to lower tar 


and find satisfying taste 


right now. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 

© Php Morris ng 1998 By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
ipse, ЖЕ ШШ Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 
cotine av. per cigarette by РТС method 


ТО BOLDLY GO WHERE 
NO WINGTIP HAS GONE BEFORE. 


In a world defined by boundaries, it's refreshing to find something made to ignore them. 


The Snake River Trainer's” quick drying uppers and mesh drainage panels shrug off 


Chairman Gert Bode rivers and streams. A comfy footbed and sticky siped rubber 
sole make short werk of boat decks as well as dirt, racks and terra that's 
not so firma. Through the river and through the woods to wherever you 


damn well plea: 


YOU SQ. For the dealer rearest you call 1-боо-М BOYLE. www.columbia.com 


$ Columbia 


Sportswear Company 


hey... IES personal 


Run for 
Your Lives: 
It's Garzilla! 


Don't bother to check 
your rearview mirror 
in the Isuzu Vehicross, 
because if something's 
back there, you probably won't 
see it anyway. The vision area is 
only eight inches top to bottom, 
but out front you have a clear 
view down the glare-resistant 
hood—probably of citizens cow- 
ering as you thunder by. With a 
lower body made of hardened 
unpainted polypropylene, an up- 
per body of zinc-plated steel and 
а 3.5-liter, 215-horsepower V6, 
the Vehicross oozes attitude. No 
wonder its press kit stresses that 
this is “an Isuzu vehicle that's not 
for everyone." But a big engine 
and body armor aren't the only 
rocks in this bad boy’s pocket. 
The Vehicross also has Torque- 
on-Demand, which, according to 
Isuzu, is the only terrain-sensing four-wheel-drive system currently available. Leather-irimmed Recaro bucket seats (see insert) and a six- 
disc CD ployer are standard equipment, os is four-wheel ABS. The only option is a roof rack. The Vehicross' base price is $28,900. An Iron- 
man edition will be out soon with a hood insert and body decals. Would we pick a fight with this car? Not on your life. 


Clothesline: Peter Gallagher 
You would think the smooth-tolking guy of sex, lies 
- | and videotape and ABC's The Secret Lives of Men 

r | | would be seriously into fashion. The truth is, Peter 
N | Gallagher hates to shop. He told us he’s strictly а Ba- 
S nana Republic man and coincidentally lives around 
the corner from one. When Gallagher occasionally 
dresses up, he wears suits and sports coats by Donna 
Karan, Armani and Richard Tyler, sometimes with a 
black mock 
turtleneck or 
ЖІ sweater as 
shown here. 
> But these 
dh 2 items take а 
KNIFE Е backseot to 
his favorite. 
pair of 
pants—Replay 
N | chinos that 

LO! р " are frayed at 
ES SIYO the edges. “I 
travel a lot,” 
Gallagher 
says, “and 
take along a 
lot of black 
and white.” 
Plus chinos. 


So you've finally caught the big one and you are not going to throw it 
back nor even hang it on the wall. This one you're going to eat. A no- 
ble fish shouldn't be mangled by amateur handling after the catch. 
Follow the directions in the blueprint above and you'll have o pair of 
clean fillets to broil, sauté or bake. A cautionary note: Always move the 
knife blade away from you. Fish are dangerously slippery. 4l 


42 


МАМ 


Puttin’ Without Huttin’ 


Drifting on с lazy river or in daring white water just got easier wi 
Scan Sport's Puffin kayak (pictured here). Collapsed, it measures 
only 28"x12'x12". Assembled, it’s a ten-and-a-half-foot craft 

that’s faster and easier to paddle than an inflatable boat and hal 
the weight of a hard-shell mod- 
el. Airfilled compartments and 
a synthetic skin stretched over 


fin its efficient shape. The 
maximum load if will carry is 220 
pounds. Price: $B00, including a tote bag, a 
unique adjustable seat and a warranty. 


The Great 
Cheeseburger 


In our search for 

the perfect cheese- 

burger, we talked 

with cookbook author 

and Silver Palate co- 

founder Sheila Lukins, who offered these tips. The ideal 
burger begins with a third to а half pound of freshly 
ground round or chuck marbled with a little fat to give it 
flavor. Whether you have a butcher grind it or do it your- 
self (it's easy to do in a food processor), it should be 
coarse enough to have some texture. Even tra 

condone mixing in salt ond pepper, but creotive additions 
such as red onions, capers, eggs ond other steak tartare 
ingredients are fine by Lukins. “The key is to handle the. 
meat as little as possible, so it doesn't become mushy 
and dense,” she says. Ап inch-thick patty is optimum. 
Grill it to medium rare with the outside well cooked but 
not charred black. Add a slice of Swiss, cheddar or Amer- 
icon cheese at the last minute. Cover the burger on the 
grill briefly while the cheese melts. Better yet, Lukins sug- 
gests lopping off the top of the burger before grilling, 
stuffing in some cheese—Roquefort, Gorgonzola or blue 
cheese are especially good—and replacing the top. “The 


ith 


lf 


cheese melts beautifully and, of course, never burns.” 


For Jocks Only 


Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren have introduced cos- 
metics collections meant to be taken to the gym. Hilfiger 
Athletics (pictured here) is an eye-catching line of bright 
yellow tubes and jars that travel easily. We like the Total 
Body Shampoo as an alternative to the harsh generic 
soap dispensed in locker rooms. Follow with Hilfiger's 
Body Cooling Gel (a great sweat-stopper) and Vitamin 
Enriched Lotion. There's also a Muscle Therapy Soak and 
a fragrance that 
combines citrus, 
herbs and 
woodsy scents— 
it's pleasant but 
not overpower- 
ing. Ralph Lau- 
ren's Polo Sport 
collection in- 
cludes a fra- 
grance (available 
оз а spray or an 
cttershave), а 
lightly scented al 
cohol-free hair 
gel and a de- 
odorant stick, 
plus а postshave 
balm. Lauren 
also produces Polo Sport Basic Training, which includes 

а moisturizing formula to treat and condition your skin, 

a scrub for sloughing off dead skin cells and a shaving 
cream. These products are fragrance free. You can 

even pick up your grooming products at the gym. Crunch, 
а national chain of health clubs, has created Crunch 
Care “for people who sweat.” The line includes a sham- 
poo and a foot balm plus an assortment of soops and 
lotions for everything in between. 


Guys Are Talking About 


Global positianing systems. They're popping up on cars and boots 
‘everywhere, and now you can wear one on your wrist. Casio’s 
global positioning system watch offers position data readout and 
storage and performs other sophisticated tricks. Price: about $500. 
Tall ships. Cruise ship burnout has produced a new breed of sailor 
who likes to work while aboord rather than sip piña coladas for a 
week. Multimasted sailing ships (called tall ships) ply the waters of 
both coasts, plus the Great Lakes. The one to sign aboard this 
summer is the Endeavour, ап Australian-built square-rigger that's 
ап exact reproduction of the ship Captain Cook used to circum- 
navigate the globe from 1768 to 1771. It's now on the West Coast 
and anyone who's fit enough to go aloft in all weather can join on 
as crew. Price: $750 for five days, with ports of call between Cali- 
fornia and British Columbia. Voyages 
end in October. Rollerjam. It’s the 
Nineties version of roller 
derby and if you 
haven't caught the 
action yet on TNN 
Friday nights from 
8:00 to 10:00, do 
so. Specialized 
travel guides. The 
Good Pub Guide 
1999 is a Baedeker to 
more than 5000 of Britain's 
finest pubs. The Fun Also Ris- 
es, o North American travel 
guide, features "the most-fun 
places to be at the right time," 
from January's Sundance Film 
Festival to New Year's Eve 1999. 
How can you go wrong? 


WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 171 


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BACARDI. 


THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


Thm headed to Vegas. What are my best 
bets at the casinos?—M.]., Michigan 
City, Indiana 

We'll give you five, with assistance from 
Michael Konik, gaming columnist for Cigar 
Aficionado (how's that for a job?) and au- 
thor of The Man With the $100,000 Breasts 
and Other Gambling Stories. His book pro- 
vides details, but here are the basics: You'll 
find the best odds at video poker machines 
that offer deuces wild or double bonus. 
Played perfectly, these “full pay” machines 
can return more than a dollar for every dol- 
lar wagered over the long run. When play- 
ing craps, make a line bet on the come-out 
roll with (pass) or against (don't pass) the 
shooter. Back up your bet with the maximum. 
“behind the line” wager, knoun as full odds. 
In baccarat, betting with the bank is slightly 
better than going with the player, but both 
give you pretty good odds. The casino ad- 
vantage in basic-strategy blackjack (which 
we described in February) can be reduced to 
nil or better if you can find a single-deck 
game in which the dealer stands on а soft 17, 
or you have an effective card-counting strat- 
egy. Avoid the tie bet in baccarat or "any 
seven" in craps. And we don't have to tell 
you that the absolute worst bets are those big 
six wheels, Keno and the bonus side bet in 
Caribbean stud poker. The title of Konik's 
book, by the way, refers to Brian. "the Wiz" 
Zembic, who won a $100,000 bet that he 
wouldn't get 38C breast implants and keep 
them for a year. He got the implants in 1996. 
He still has them, but that’s another story. 


IM, grandmother says some women 
used to have to go to a doctor to have or- 
gasms. Could that be true?—R.D., Santa 
Barbara, California 

It's true. From the fifth century вс. until 
the Twenties, many women sought out treat- 
ment for “hysteria,” a vaguely defined illness 
historically thought to arise from a lack of 
sexual intercourse. Before the invention of 
the vibrator, treatment consisted of a physi- 
cian fingering or massaging his patient un- 
til she climaxed. In 1653, a doctor described 
how, with the help of a midwife, he massaged 
а patient’s genitalia “with one finger inside, 
using oil of lilies, musk root, crocus or some- 
thing similar.” The technique proved most ef- 
fective on widows and nuns. In her book The 
‘Technology of Orgasm, Rachel Maines notes 
that few doctors relished treating hysteria— 
they found it time-consuming and tedious. 
Some preferred to prescribe horseback rid- 
ing, long train rides or high-pressure water 
massages. More often than nol, the condition 
proved to be chronic. 


Oe afternoon, while I was studying, 
my roommate's girlfriend came into 
our dorm room when my roommate 
wasn't around. She started paging 
through one of my copies of PLAYBOY. 


She commented on how beautiful the 
Playmate was and then unfolded the 
Centerfold. That's when it happened. А 
strand of pubic hair fell out. She paused, 
then looked at me and said, "I see you 
like her too!" I turned beet red and 
didn't know what to say. Now when we 
see each other, she teases me about it. 
Thankfully, she has a heart and never 
says anything when others are around. 
Should I try to discuss it with her? 1 
haven't mentioned the M word, but she 
knows what's going on.—L.A., Los An- 
geles, California 

A strand of hair proves nothing. Demand 
a DNA test! It looked like a chest hair to us! 
You were framed! OK, the situation doesn't 
look good, but here's some news: Your room- 
mate’s girlfriend masturbates. Your room- 
mate masturbates. Everyone in your dorm 
masturbates. It's normal. Being aroused by 
the image of a beautiful, nude woman is 
normal too. So your friend is ribbing you for 
being normal. She's playing with you and 
that’s cool—we like her sense of humor and 
discretion. When your roommate cools on 
her, try her number. 


IM, husband has searched for ту С 
spot without luck. Can you help? How 
can we find it?—T.W., Cleveland, Ohio 
You may already have. Not every woman 
finds stimulation of the Grafenberg spot all 
that memorable. Your G spot is easier to find. 
if you're turned on, because it swells. In The 
Good Vibrations Guide: The G Spot (800- 
289-8423), Cathy Winks suggests that you 
lie on your stomach, position yourself on 
your hands and knees or squat. “Reach your 
fingers an inch or two in from the vaginal 
‘opening and crook them toward the front 
wall of the vagina in a ‘come hither’ motion. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


The G spot is responsive to pressure but not 
to light touch. If you brush lightly around the 
inside of the vagina, you probably won't feel. 
anything. Instead, press firmly into the vagi- 
nal wall. Remember, the G spot isn't on the 
vaginal wall; it’s felt through the vaginal 
wall. As you explore from the pubic bone up 
toward the cervix, you should feel a slightly 
ridged area that begins to swell. You may 
find it helpful to take your other hand and 
press doun on the outside of your belly just 
above the pubic hair line—sometimes you 
can feel the G spot area swelling between 
your hands.” Women have described the spot 
to Winks as “a spongy circle about the size 
of an almond,” “a small cushion nestled 
against my pubic bone” and “sort of like a 
ripe strawberry.” Happy hunting. 


Recently my girlfriend and I attended 
a trade show, As we were leaving she saw 
someone that she only sees at these 
shows, which take place once or twice a 
year. She went over to say hello. As they 
hugged, he put his hand on her ass. 
During our drive home, I asked why she 
had allowed that. She said she didn't feel 
it was appropriate either, and that he'd 
never done it before. I felt she should 
have informed him of his limits. The dis- 
cussion escalated into a full-blown ar- 
gument. Maybe I overreacted. My male 
friends say they would have reacted 
more severely than I did, even pushed 
the guy around. Should my girlfriend 
have reacted differently, or am I para- 
noid?—R.S., Miami, Florida 

We would need much more evidence before 
we made accusations, but you're right to 
wonder what's going on. You don't often 
meet professionals who would think of grab- 
bing someone's ass; that’s sexual harassment 
territory. Maybe he's been coming on to your 
girlfriend, and she’s afraid of how you might 
react. Maybe they hooked up once and he 
hasn't realized that she considers it a drunk- 
en mistake. Maybe he grabbed her ass to pro- 
voke you. And maybe it was absolutely unex- 
pected, as your girlfriend says. We would 
give her the benefit of the doubt, but it’s un- 
derstandable if you file this one away. 


Can you tell me where to get the book 
that lists nude appearances by actresses 
in movies available on video? My local 
bookstore doesn't carry it.—M.M., Ho- 
nolulu, Hawaii 

You can no longer purchase The Bare 
Facts Video Guide at bookstores, Ив author, 
Craig Hosoda, sells it direcily. The most re- 
cent edition lists 3500 actresses, many of the 
B-movie variety. Hosoda also offers a search- 
able CD-ROM database with credits for 
8000 actresses and magazine models, as well 
as 1500 actors. Each entry in this all-Amer- 
ican effort provides the exact minute at 
which body parts are bared, how long the 


45 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women Ma I 


May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birih Weight. 


“I set enough 


bull at work. 


I dont need to smoke it. 
imer 


No additives are іп ош 
‘tobacco, for true taste. 
16 mg. "tar", 1.1 mg. nicotine x М = 
av. per cigarette by FTC method. 2 TRUE TA 


nudity lasts and a ranking of the scene’s 
quality, Body doubles also are noted. No 
fleeting glimpse of a breast goes unnoticed, 
including Christina Applegate's oh-so-close 
unveiling one hour and nine minutes into 
Streets (1989), “a very brief almost side view 
of her left breast,” or Gillian Anderson's 
“very brief right breast, seen from over 
her left shoulder” 48 minutes into The Turn- 
ing (1992). That sort of detail can be seen as 
а bold statement about the power of the fe- 
male form, or as completely nuts. We like it 
either way. You can order The Bare Facts 
through barefacts.com, or by calling 108- 
249-2021. Hosoda’s favorite erotic film, by 
the way, is Two Moon Junction (1988), fea- 
turing nude scenes with Sherilyn Fenn and 
Kristy McNichol. 


PLAYBOY 


V enjoyed the letters regarding women's 
views about having men ejaculate on 
their faces, My wife and I discovered the 
joys of “coming out” by accident. We 
were in Las Vegas to attend a wedding 
and used all the condoms we'd brought 
(something about weddings makes her 
horny). We had already started making 
love when I discovered this, so we con- 
tinued, but I withdrew as I came and a 
spurt hit her on the chin. We have not 
bought a condom since. We both appre- 
ciate the beauty and joy of a great facial. 
Cleanup afterward is a romantic and en- 
dearing time. It’s not degrading; it’s 
love.—M.D., Iowa City, Iowa 

We're happy about your discovery. Keep in 
mind that withdrawal is not an effective 
form of birth control. And, as we've said be- 
‘fore, let her come on your face too. 


IM, husband has never cheated оп me 
(and vice versa), but lately he's talked of 
how boring it would be to have sex with 
only one partner for the rest of his life. 
"The subject of threesomes and four- 
somes came into our fantasy talk, as did 
the idea of swapping partners. The 
what-ifs led to a meeting with another 
couple. Before the encounter, we decid- 
ed to swap in separate rooms, then re- 
join for group play. That way we'd have 
a little of everything. For my part, it was 
a disaster. The guy was more interested 
in what was going on in the other room 
than in trying to excite me. Three out of 
four of us got off. Once we were back to- 
gether, my husband tried to get involved 
with me but kept reaching for her and 
kissing her. I tried hard to keep the 
evening in perspective as one of play and 
experimentation—I gave my husband 
oral sex and tried to be a team player— 
but I felt like an outsider. When my hus- 
band and I discussed it afterward, he 
told me I was too controlling and de- 
manding. I told him I did not want to do 
itagain. My husband is disappointed but 
says he respects my decision. I told him 
he could go out on his own as long as I 
don't know about it. He says his fanta- 
48 sy is to share the experience with me. 


Should I try to keep my husband happy, 
or should we let this fantasy go? I want 
to fulfill his fantasies, but I also want our 
sex life to be exciting for both of us.— 
М.М., Hartford, Connecticut 

And it should be. We're sorry you had such 
а bad experience. It sounds like there were 
four independent fantasies going on at once 
during that encounter, and yours—the least 
defined of the bunch—got lost in the shuffle. 
Experienced swingers look out for one an- 
other and discuss their desires and expecta- 
tions beforehand—no one goes away unsat- 
isfied. Unfortunately, in this case, you were 
paired with a guy whose fantasy was to 
watch his wife having sex with another man. 
Meanwhile, your husband wanted to have 
sex with another woman. He’s wise to respect 
your decision, but if you change your mind, 
consider a different approach. A threesome 
with someone you both know and trust might 
be a revelation, especially if your husband is 
aware of your concerns. If he's smart, he'll 
make sure you're the center of attention. You 
still may conclude that group sex is not your 
thing—and you wouldn't be alone. Many 
couples never repeat the experience, often 
because the fantasy remains better than 
any reality. However, one botched encounter 
shouldn't determine that. 


Bim amazed that no one has been able to 
find a simple, inexpensive cure for geni- 
tal warts. I've tried to have them burned 
off at clinics. I've considered an opera- 
tion, though I was told it wouldn't cure 
them, I've been to a dermatologist, who 
told me he might be able to get rid of the 
problem for a couple thousand bucks. I 
haven't had sex in three years because 
I'm afraid I'll infect someone. Can you 
help?—C.D., Cincinnati, Ohio 

We can't offer a cure—there isn't one. But 
genital warls, which are caused by the hu- 
man papillomavirus, can be managed. In 
many cases they don't return after treatment. 
In others they reappear with less severity for 
а few years, then disappear as your immune 
system gets the upper hand. The most com- 
mon topical medications are a solution con- 
taining podophyllin (which must be applied 
by a health care provider), imiquimod cream 
and а podofilox solution or gel. Removing 
the warts doesn’t eliminate the risk of infect- 
ing someone else, because the virus may re- 
main. Condoms or other barriers help if they 
cover the infected area. You're not alone on 
this one: Researchers estimate that 75 per- 
cent of Americans who have sex have been 
exposed to HPV, though only about one per- 
cent develop symploms. Still, that's 1.4 mil- 
lion cases of genital warts each year HPV. 
spreads so quickly thal researchers have 
turned their attention to treating warts rath- 
er than preventing them. 


Every once in a while I'll meet a wom- 
an in an online chat room. That some- 
times leads to phone sex. When this hap- 
pens, which person should provide a 
number? I think the one who puts forth 


the proposition should make the call 
(апа also foot the long-distance bill). 
There is also the problem of privacy. 
Some women who have roommates get 
nervous about my calling because their 
cohabitants might find out. Any sugges- 
tions?—R.S., Los Angeles, California 

Never phone without an appointment, 
though we'd wonder why a woman wouldn't 
want her “roommate” to know a guy is call- 
ing her. If she’s in а relationship and hav- 
ing phone sex with you, she’s cheating. That 
could become a real mess, especially if y 
number shows up on her phone bill. Ask) 
chat partner which she prefers: You can pro- 
vide your number or she can send hers and 
you'll be happy to pick up the charges for the 
first call. If all goes well, you can share num- 
bers and the expense. 


Wars the best type of tequila?—A.C., 
Seattle, Washington 

Look for tequila distilled entirely from the. 
fermented juice of the agave plant. The label. 
must say “100 percent agave” or “cien por 
ciento de agave”; otherwise, you're drinking 
a mixto, which is a mixture of agave juice 
and various sugars. Blanco is the favorite of 
almost everyone we know who drinks tequi- 
la more than twice a year. (Gold tequila is 
blanco with caramel color added to appease 
the American preference for amber-colored 
booze.) Most Mexicans prefer the smoother 
reposado; it’s aged in oak barrels for two 
months to a year. Beginners will like the rich, 
dark anejo because it reminds them of famil- 
iar liquors such as bourbon. 


How should a guy react when his wife 
challenges him to arm wrestle and then 
soundly defeats him? Crying and scream- 
ing doesn't seem appropriate. I tried 
“OK, from now on you carry out the 
garbage and move the furniture while I 
dust and vacuum," but all I got was а 
cold stare —T.D., Aspen, Colorado 
Championship series are the best of seven, 
so hit the gym. If she tops you again, take 
your lumps with the dignity and grace she 
expects from a man. And don’t get too down 
on yourself —we're sure there are plenty of 
women out there whom you could beat. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad 
visor@playboy.com. Look for responses to 
our most frequently asked questions at www. 
playboy.com/fag, and check out the Advisor's 
latest collection of sex tricks, 365 Ways to 
Improve Your Sex Life, available in book- 
stores or by phoning 800-423-9494. 


ТАН GAMES 


the separation of church and sport? 


omegrown ап- 

ti-alcohol activ- 

ists have been 

campaign- 
ing to ban the ad- 
vertising of alco- 
holic beverages 
during telecasts of 
the 2002 Olympic 
Winter Games. They are also upset 
that the U.S. and Salt Lake Olympic 
Committees have sold Budweiser the 
right to be the Games’ "official beer” 
for a $50 million fee. 

"The prohibitionists worry that mil- 
lions of “impressionable young view- 
ers” will watch the Games and devel- 
op a craving for alcohol—otherwise 
known as “Satan's starter fluid.” The 
Utah PTA, for example, passed a 
resolution supporting an Olympics 
booze-ad ban, noting that “the inter- 
national Olympics represents our 
strongest and healthiest adults, many 
of whom become ma- 
jor role models for 
our nation’s youth.” 

Of course, this 
role-model factory 
has also given our 
nation’s youth an 
endless pageant of 
steroid and drug 
scandals, rogue skat- 
er Tonya Harding, 
a hockey team run 
wild, biased-judging 
exposés and what 
looks to be an ПОС 
cottage industry in 
site-selection bribery 
and extortion. 

Ler's take a closer 
look at the prim and 
proper prohibition- 
ists. The Utah РТА 
seemed particularly 
upset by TV booze ads and staged the 
equivalent of a police lineup. Asked 
to identify various advertising mas- 
cots, two thirds of the Utah children 
surveyed recognized the Budweiser 
frogs—giving the frogs a profile high- 
er than that of Tony the Tiger (pro- 
moter of sugar-coated cereal) but 
somewhat lower than Smokey the 
Bear's. The study did not establish a 
link between TV viewing and drink- 
ing, or TV viewing and fire fighting. 
Clearly, TV was greasing the skids, 
or skid rows, for kids. (In hopelessly 
corrupt California more than 80 per- 
cent of the children recognized those 
frogs.) Squash the frogs flat, as Madi- 
son Avenue finally did to Joe Camel 

Budweiser has changed its official 


spokescreatures to a pair of cynical 
lizards, but that is too little too late 
for Dr. George Van Komen, head of 
the Alcohol Policy Coalition. “To me it 
makes no difference,” he says. The 
ads sell beer by using characters that 
kids find amusing or appealing, and 
that, to Van Komen, “seems immor- 
al.” Of course, that distinction also 
should apply to beer ads involving 
anything that appeals to kids: snow- 
boarding, camp-outs, athletes, pic- 
nics, fun. With this reasoning, we'll 
end up with beer commercials fea- 
turing tax accountants who listen to 


chamber music. 

Van Komen the crusader wants the 
Salt Lake Olympic Committee to en- 
force an alcohol-free 2002 Olympics, 
even if that means refunding Anheu- 
ser-Busch’s $50 million. 

Van Komen, a medical doctor and 
a Mormon, insists that his antipathy 
to alcohol is strictly a health issue, but 
in fact he would ban ads even for 
nonalcoholic beer. When pressed, he 
allows that it’s also a matter of “the 
partying image associated with beer. 
We do not need that image coming 
from a state that is basically family- 
oriented.” 

Family values, if you served on the 
host committee, that evidently in- 


clude bribery. 


Van Komen would 
require the world 
at large to jump 

through the theo- 

centric hoops of 

his religion. "He's 

out to make sure 
that everybody lives 
the Word of Wisdom 
[the Mormon code]," says Utah Hos- 
pitality Association president Kent 
Knowley. 

Specifically, Van Komen and his fel- 
low alcophobes believe it would be of- 
fensive, even blasphemous, for events 
occurring within Utah's borders to 
endorse or promote products banned 
by a religion practiced by 70 percent 
of its population. The logic of this po- 
sition raises several important ques- 
tions. For example: 

Since when does a secular athletic 
event attended by a cross section of 
people from nearly every nation be- 
come the temporary 
moral pulpit for who- 
ever happens to be 
staging it? This is 
not a church camp 
for kids. Since the 
Church of Jesus 
Christ of Latter-day 
Saints also prohibits 
caffeine, are Taster's 
Choice, Lipton and 
Coca-Cola barred 
from Olympic spon- 
sorship? We can as- 
sume—since there 
can be no compro- 
mise when God's law 
is involved—that the 
ban would prohibit 
ads for mouthwashes 
and cold medicines 
that contain alcohol. 
Van Komen, in fact, 
hounded Proctor & Gamble into cut- 
ting the alcohol in Vicks Nyquil from 
25 percent to 10 percent by threaten- 
ing to lobby the legislature and bad- 
gering the FDA to investigate P&G. 

Also, would a successful advertising 
ban establish some bizarre "local 
morality" precedent? If the Olympic 
Games are ever held in Cairo or Tel 
Aviv, would commercials for Jimmy 
Dean pork sausage and Hormel ba- 
con be forbidden? Would the Calcut- 
ta or New Delhi Games be bad news 
for McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger 
King? 

If coming up with narrow-minded, 
harebrained moral protests were an 
Olympic event, we'd already have a 
winner. 


49 


tatutory rape is a hot topic. In 

California, the state has erected 
S billboards along major highways 
that warn drivers: sEX WITH А MINOR IS A 
MAJOR CRIME. 

Buckle up. In Tulare County, a judge 
recently sentenced Melvin Brown, 37, 
to 457 years in jail for having oral sex 
and intercourse with his 17-year-old 
girlfriend. 

Brown, a twice-convicted felon, ran 
afoul of California's 
three-strikes law, which 
mandates consecutive 
sentences of 25 years to 
life for cach new felony 
after the second violent 
felony. Brown, who al- 
legedly did not know 
the girl was underage, 
was charged with 16 
counts of statutory rape 
and oral sex, as well as 
three drug charges. 

His lawyer told The 
Fresno Bee that the sen- 
tence was "unworldly, 
mind-boggling. He es- 
sentially got the death 
sentence. The only way 
he'll get out of prison is 
in a pine box." 

The sentence may 
have been mind-bog- 
gling, but it is no sur- 
prise. For the past few 
years, law enforcement 
officials have made stat- 
utory rape their cause 
célébre. In October 
1997 the American Bar 
Association released the report Sexual 
Relationships Between Adult Males and 
Young Teen Girls: Exploring the Legal and 
Social Responses. 

The authors’ specific recommenda- 
tions concerning statutory rape laws 
include: 

* Revising minimum age require- 
ments so that girls aged 10-15 are legal- 
ly protected from "consensual" sexual 
intercourse with men aged 20 and older: 

* Removing the "mistake of age" de- 
fense for men over the age of 20 who 
have consensual sex with girls aged 15 
and under. 

* Increasing penalties, especially for 
repeat offenders who are ten or more 
years older than their adolescent part- 


By STEPHANIE GOLDBERG | 


is there a double standard? 


ners, or who use alcohol or drugs to se- 
duce their partners, or who infect their 
partners with HIV or some other sexu- 
ally transmitted disease. 

% Prosecuting without regard to 
class, social status or race, whether or 
not the girl is impregnated. 

The last item tries to make sex the 
crime, rather than using the law to 
punish the teen pregnancies so de- 
spised by conservatives. Many statutory 


Tape cases begin when a teenager ap- 
plies for welfare benefits for a child 
born out of wedlock. One study found 
that 70 to 80 percent of the fathers of 
babies born to girls under 16 are older 
than 20. Though not all. Wisconsin 
went after an 18-year-old boy who im- 
pregnated his 15-year-old girlfriend— 
despite the fact that the boy quit school 
and took a job to support the child. 
Good intentions don't count; go direct- 
ly to jail. The charge is statutory rape, 
not reckless reproduction. 

What's missing from the ABA report 
should be obvious: There is no concern 
for the reverse scenario. Lawmakers 
evidently do not feel that underage 
boys deserve the same sort of protec- 


STATUTORY RAPE REVISITED 


tion as young girls. 

It's easy to imagine young women 
being manipulated by older men, but 
there is strong resistance to seeing 
young men as being subject to coer- 
Gon. They're supposed to be romping 
through life like the kids іп Summer of 
742. What does a female predator look 
like? The actual cases that come before 
the courts have a lot in common with 
Fatal Attraction. More often than not, 
the offenders are des- 
perate, angry wom- 
en who are unwill- 
ing to let go of their 
young prey. 

For sheer creepi- 
ness, almost nothing 
can match the case of 
Julie Feil, а Minneso- 
ta high school teach- 
er who tried to cast 
her affair as a love 
story for the ages. 
She was sentenced to 
almost seven years in 
prison for criminal 
sexual conduct with 
a 15-year-old stu- 
dent. At her sentenc- 
ing, she apologized 
to the boy's parents 
and said, "I love 
your son." He called 
her a monster and 
said he never wanted 
to see her again. 

Small wonder. At 
the time the affair 
began, Feil, then 31, 
was separated from 
her husband. So she pursued a stu- 
dent, hiring him to babysit and to walk 
her dog. The two became sexually in- 
timate. Feil began writing love notes, 
as well as passes to get the boy out of 
study hall. 

Feil wrote: "I have been happy this 
week, which is ridiculous considering 
that I'm fighting for my life, have un- 
dergone intense pain and 247 biop- 
sies/needles. I've just been told that 
they need to operate on my brain, for 
crying out loud, and I'm feeling so 
happy I'm floating on air! Why? Тһе 
answer is simple . . . you. Loving you 
completes me." Soon the boy wanted 
out. Feil will be eligible for parole after 
four and a half years. 


In 1906 the state of Connecticut sen- 
tenced Kerri Lynn Patavino to six years 
for five counts of second-degree sex- 
ual assault, six counts of risk of injury 
to a minor, burglary and larceny. The 
charges stem from her involvement 
with a 14-year-old boy she met on her 
route as a school bus driver. 
(The case is under appeal 
and Patavino disputes the 
charges.) Little did the kid 
know that Patavino, who 
was 26 at the time of the af- 
fair, was a practicing witch. 
He claimed they slept to- 
gether for four months un- 
til Patavino started doing 
things that made him un- 
comfortable. He said she 
had cut herself with a razor 
and then forced him to lick 
her blood. Nor did she take 
rejection kindly, allegedly 
breaking into his house and 
stealing his skateboard and 
other prized possessions. 

When faced with such bizarre be- 
havior, courts seem willing to lock up 
female predators, although six years 
does not begin to compare with 457 
years. Evil is in the eye of the beholder. 
Apparently, so is injury. The real dou- 
ble standard is in how the courts view 
male victims. 

For many months the identity of 
the 13-year-old Seattle student who 
impregnated his 35-year-old teacher, 
Mary Kay Letourneau, was kept secret 
by the courts. But Vili Fualaau, who is 
now 15, refused to stay silent. Accept- 
ing $250,000 from a French book pub- 
lisher, he has gone public with the sto- 
ry of how һе and Letourneau produced 
two babies in 17 months. 

The title of the book, Un Seul Crime, 
Lamour (Only one crime, love), says it 
all. To recap, the affair began when he 
was only 11 and Letourneau's star pu- 
pil. The first pregnancy resulted in Le- 
tourneau's conviction for two counts of 
second-degree child rape. She got a 
‘7-year sentence, served six months 
and, upon release, violated the terms 
of her probation almost immediately 
by resuming the relationship and con- 
ceiving another child. Now there's по 
hope of parole and Fualaau will be 21 
before the two can be together. The 
book's message: Fualaau didn't feel like 
a victim when he had sex with Le- 
tourneau, but he sure does now, rais- 
ing two daughters. 

No one in their right mind would 
think of giving a male predator “pa- 
rental rights” to a child who is con- 
ceived by statutory rape. But the same 
courts saddle male victims with child 


support payments. 

"That fate awaited Shane Seyer, who 
had sex at the age of 12, only to be roy- 
ally screwed by courts and bureaucrats 
in his home state of Kansas. During a 
long hot summer in 1988, Seyer began 
having sex with the family’s 16-year- 
old babysitter. It might have 
remained a treasured mem- 
ory if the babysitter hadn't 
gotten pregnant and state 
authorities hadn't come af- 
ter Seyer in 1991 for $7068 
in maternity expenses and 
Aid to Families with Depen- 
dent Children payments. 

They were about to gar- 
nish his lunch money when 
Seyer's parents hired a 
lawyer and began fighting 
back. First, a hearing officer 
threw out the maternity 
award but decreed that Sey- 
er should start paying child 
support from the date of 
the hearing. Then, a judicial review 
decided that Seyer was responsible 
for both maternity expenses and child 
support. 

The highest court of Kansas retreat- 
ed slightly, upholding the child sup- 
port award but otherwise wiping the 
slate clean. In a 1993 opinion, Judge 
Holmes brushed aside the matter of 
Seyer's age. His consent to the affair 
might be irrelevant in a criminal action 
against the child's mother, but it made 
a big difference in a civil action for 
child support. So long as the affair was 
voluntary, he was on the hook. 

"No one saw him as a victim," says 
Seyer's lawyer, Ronald Pope, 
who even today sounds 
amazed by his client's pre- 
dicament. "Shane was your 
average kid." What turned 
his life upside down in an 
instant were "hormones, 
opportunity and a girl with 
poor judgment," says Pope. 
Suddenly, Seyer vas visited 
with тезро! s he felt 
too young to assume, and 
he resented it. “Не knew a 
female victim would never 
be held accountable for her 
acts." 

Still, it wasn't as if the 
Kansas court was going out. 
on a limb. Courts in Colorado and Wis- 
consin had already decided that statu- 
tory rape laws do not afford “blanket 
protection for reckless minors,” as one 
opinion put it. 

With the push for gender equality 
in the Sixties and Seventies, the laws 
меге rewritten to cover young men as 


well. But in California, the law wasn't 
amended until 1994—coincidentally, 
the same year that 15-year-old Na- 
thaniel J. of San Luis Obispo had a 
two-weck affair with a 34-year-old 
neighbor. After she had his baby the 
following January, she applied for state 
assistance and had to name the child's 
father. California authorities took no- 
tice and decided that Nathaniel, like 
Seyer before him, should pay child 
support. 

"Our point of view is that the new- 
born is the victim in these matters," 
Carol Ann White, a lawyer in charge of 
the attorney general's child-support 
enforcement unit, told thc Los Angeles 
Times. Ironically, she made this argu- 
ment just after Governor Pete Wilson 
announced his zero-tolerance policy 
on statutory rape, earmarking $8 mil- 
lion for prosecutions. In 1996, a court 
of appeals ruled against Nathaniel, 
noting that victims have rights and re- 
sponsibilities. How's that for a twist? 
However, they cut Nathaniel, now over 
the age of 18, some slack because of his 
age, deferring his child support pay- 
ments until he actually had a job. 

Jason Hodge remembers being flat- 
tered when, at the age of 14, he was 
propositioned by a 19-year-old woman. 
“I had never had a woman tell me I was 
attractive," said Hodge, now 22, in a 
phone interview. It was a three-week 
fling, but one for which the state of 
Missouri wants him to pay dearly: Be- 
cause the woman has named him as fa- 
ther of her daughter, state authorities 
now want Hodge to retroactively рау 
for seven years of child support. 

Hodge, who later mar- 
ried and had a child before 
he and his wife divorced, 
isn't buying it. He refused 
to take a paternity test at 
the beginning of this year, 
but contends that if he is 
forced to take one and the 
results are positive, he will 
seek custody. “This woman 
is a sexual predator. If any 
guy did what she did, he'd 
be locked up,” he said. Four 
counts of first-degree sexu- 
al assault were filed against 
the woman at the time, but 
were dropped soon there- 
after. Missouri statutory 
rape law now exempts offenders who 
are under the age of 21. That means 
the state can't touch the woman, al- 
though Hodge could be prosecuted for 
nonpayment of support. 

When a sex law is gender-biased, it's 
not hard to guess who ends up paying: 
the victim. 


51 


52 


NOT-SO-FRIENDLY SKIES 
During an American Airlines 
flight to Las Vegas, my wife and 
1 were reading PLAYBOY's 45th 
anniversary issue when an at- 
tendant politely asked us not to 
read our magazine in the cabin. 
We thought she was kidding, 
so we smiled and kept reading. | 
Within five minutes she re- 
turned and asked us in a firm 
voice to close our magazine. "It 
is against this airline's policy 
to allow any passenger to read 
obscene publications during a 
flight" she told us. "Further- 
more, I checked with the cap- 
tain and he confirmed the poli- 
cy." She said if we wanted to 
read the articles we could, but 
we couldn't view the photos. I 
asked if PLAYBOY offended her 
personally, and she replied that. 
she had raised six sons and it 
didn't. But she said it was 
American Airlines’ policy not 
to allow passengers to view na- 
ked women during a flight. I 
replied that the only time I'd 
had a similar incident was in 1976 on 
South African Airlines, whena flight at- 
tendant confiscated the magazine as 
part of the government's censorship. 
Eli Feinberg 
Miami, Florida 
Next time, take names. She lied, and if it 
happens again, we hope you'll stand your 
ground. According to an American Airlines 
Spokesman, neither the flight attendant nor 
the captain was justified in telling you to 
close your magazine. The Federal Aviation 
Administration leaves the decision to ай- 
lines’ discretion. Continental and United 
say they have no policy that restricts passen- 
gers’ reading material. Nor does Virgin At- 
lantic. “Passengers are free to read whatever 
newsstand publications they like,” a spokes- 
man said. “Most have already completed 
their school years, so we're not going to con- 
fiscate their toys or make anyone stand in the 
corner.” 


FORTUNATE SON 

Two years ago, James Bovard chron- 
icled the leniency that politicians’ 
family members are regularly accord- 
ed when they're sentenced for drug 
crimes ("Prison Sentences of the Politi- 
cally Connected," The Playboy Forum, 
April 1997). Add the case of Randall 
Todd Cunningham to the list. 
The son of Representative Randy 


$ har: 
ijuana аге 100 


SOLID 


«1 have long 
the laws regard 


for their personal š 
d as criminals. 


S EARLIER, 


SAGE" 11 DAY! ¿AR ON DRUGS 


CLARED THE W 


“Duke” Cunningham (R-Calif.) was ar- 
rested while transporting 400 pounds 
of marijuana from California to Bos- 
ton. This past November, after a tear- 
choked plea from his father, the 29- 
year-old Cunningham was sentenced 
to two and a half years in prison—half 
the mandatory sentence. 

His sentence could have been even 
lighter. Prosecutors originally had 
agreed to a 14-month to 18-month stay 
in boot camp and a halfway house, but 
Cunningham tested positive for co- 
caine three times while out on bail. He 
was jailed following the third incident. 
After federal probation officers in San 
Diego came to administer a drug test, 
Cunningham jumped from a window, 
breaking his leg. 

The judge also ordered Cunning- 
ham to participate in a 500-day drug 
program. If he completes it, he could 
cut his sentence by as much as a year. 

Jon Alegranti 
San Diego, California 

For those unfamiliar with his record, Rep- 
resentative Cunningham has supported the 
death penalty for drug kingpins as шей as 
the idea of erecting a fence at the Mexican 
border to keep out drug smugglers. In an 
article he wrote for The San Diego Union- 
Tribune four months before his son was ar- 
rested, Cunningham chided the Clinton. ad- 


ADVICE 


believed 
ing mar- 

se who keep pot 
Se not be treat” 


LANDERS, IN 


DE- 
LANDERS HAD 
«A COLOSSAL 


Wee 


ministration for supporting "re- 
duced mandatory minimum sen- 
tences for drug trafficking and ‘soft 
оп crime’ liberal judges." 


INDECENT LANGUAGE 
In February 1980 rLaysoy 
ran an article about one of my 
clients, a man from Hurds Cor- 
ner, Michigan who had been 
arrested and prosecuted for 
swearing in front of his wife. 
The judge in that case ruled 
decisively in our favor. But it 
seems these things go in cycles. 
I now represent a man who's 
been charged in Arenac Coun- 
ty, Michigan under the same 
"indecent language" statute. 
His crime? He swore in front of 
| his girlfriend while canoeing on 
| the Rifle River last summer. 
Let's hope the next time this 
rarely enforced law becomes 
newsworthy is when it is strick- 
еп from the books. 
| William Street 
Saginaw, Michigan 
Your client didn't just swear in 
front of his girlfriend, he had the misfortune 
of doing so near children and being heard by 
three sheriff’s deputies who weren't too busy 
to waste taxpayers’ money protecting the riv- 
erbank from the scourge of blue language. 
Though your client faces up to 90 days 
in jail and a $100 fine, he can thank his 
lucky stars that he wasn't charged with the 
more serious-sounding offense of “inciting 
Indians.” 


HARD TIME 

James R. Petersen’s article on the 
new wave of censorship laws that re- 
strict what prisoners can read (“Hard 
Time,” The Playboy Forum, February) 
was timely and important. I am a staff 
attorney for the ACLU's National Pris- 
on Project, which represented the pris- 
oners in Thornburgh vs. Abbott, the 1989 
Supreme Court case that set guidelines 
governing the constitutionality of re- 
strictions on prisoners’ mail and access 
to publications. We represent three 
federal prisoners who have challenged 
Congress’ ban on their access to publi- 
cations that feature nudity or “sexually 
explicit” content. Congress singled out 
prisoners—a vulnerable and politically 
unpopular group—but the ACLU be- 
lieves this troubling precedent goes to 
the heart of the First Amendment pro- 
tections we all enjoy. 


Congress conjured up the federal 
prison publication ban under the guise 
of promoting prisoner rehabilitation. 
However, it never consulted federal 
prison officials, who for 20 years had 
allowed access to adult publications 
without incident. The D.C. Court of 
Appeals endorsed the law without any 
evidence that prisoners’ access to nude 
pictures leads federal prisoners to com- 
mit future crimes. 

On the state level, legislatures and 
prison officials also have adopted cen- 
sorship policies that bar prisoners' ac- 
cess to broadly defined “pornographic” 
publications. Bans have been over- 
turned at the district court level in 
Utah, Arizona and New Jersey, only to 
be challenged on appeal by govern- 
ment officials at great expense to tax- 
payers. State prisons house many more 
prisoners than does the federal system, 
meaning that widespread state bans 
could prohibit another 1.5 million peo- 
ple from reading PLAYBOY, among oth- 
cr publications. 

The ACLU remains as firmly com- 
mitted to upholding prisoners’ consti- 
tutional rights as we have been since 
the National Prison Project was found- 
ed in 1972. While we cannot challenge 
every state ban, we must not allow Con- 
gress and state legislatures to separate 
prisoners from the Bill of Rights. 

Marjorie Rifkin 
ACLU National Prison Project 
Washington, D.C. 


Representative John Ensign (R- 
Nev.) says “magazines that portray and 
exploit sex acts have no place in the 
rehabilitative environment of prisons.” 
If Congress is so worried about the re- 
habilitative environment of prisons, 
why did they discontinue the Pell grant 
program that allowed federal inmates 
like me to pursue a college degree? 
Why have they discontinued other ed- 
ucational programs such as computer 
classes? For fear, they say, of creating 
a well-educated breed of “supercrimi- 
nals.” Ensign and other members of 
Congress should recognize that educa- 
tion is the only way to rise above a life 
of crime; when they remove education- 
al opportunities from prisoners, they 
only ensure the criminal status quo. 

(Name withheld by request) 
Texarkana, Texas 


James R. Petersen writes, “Jailmates 
don't have the same rights as the rest of 


us, right?” Hell no, they don't—they 
are in prison! Yes, they are there to 
be rehabilitated, but they're also there 
to be punished for violating others’ 
rights. They shouldn't have the right to 
read PLAYBOY. Who cares if it hasn't 
been proved to incite violence? Who 
cares if it doesn’t turn you into a so- 
ciopath? Convicts, no matter what their 
crimes, are denied certain rights that 
noncriminals enjoy. Reading PLAYBOY 
should be one of them, 

Michael Glover 

Pensacola, Florida 


THE END 
What an ironic climax for Bill Clin- 
ton. He finally got off. 
Bob Schroeder 
"Irenton, New Jersey 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
10: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chi- 
cago, Illinois 60611. Please include a day- 
time telephone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com 
(please include your city and state). 


FORUM Ғ.Ү.1. 
BE PREPARED 


Do Eagle Scouts read PLAYBOY? They may want to after reviewing The Boy. 
Scout Handbook, which has been updated to include such timely topics as 
drug and alcohol abuse, safe use of the Internet and sexual responsibility. 
Now in its 11th edition, the handbook—a primer for budding young men 
since 1910—confronts sex in a straightforward, if awkward, manner, ignor- 
ing topics such as masturbation and homosexuality but taking pains to warn 
scouts about the perils of early fatherhood: 

"As you grow into manhood, you are maturing in many remarkable 
ways,” reads a section of the handbook entitled “Sexual Responsibility.” 
“You are maturing sexually, too. Don't burden someone you care for with a 
child neither of you is ready to bear. For the followers of most religions sex 
should take place only between people who are married to each other. То 
do otherwise might cause feelings of guilt and loss.” 


We're waiting for the Scouts 
to introduce a “Sexual Respon- 
sibility” merit badge—the ‘first 
pin that you earn for not doing. 
something. 


54 


some things you ought to know 


sevelt formed a commission to 

study how to contain the inter- 
national opium trade. He appointed 
Dr. Hamilton Wright, son-in-law of a 
powerful Republican senator, as one 
of its members. The doctor made the 
opium problem a personal crusade. 
He toured the U.S. and reported 
back that he had encountered “num- 
berless” opium addicts. More 
reliable estimates at the time 
fixed the number at about 
250,000, in a population of 76 
million. Many were dependent 
on the opiates in patent medi- 
cines. Nevertheless, Dr. Wright 
primed Congress for action 
against the scourge of drugs. 
He made claims such as "Co: 
caine is often the direct incen- 
tive ro the crime of rape by the 
Negroes" and "One of the 
most unfortunate phases of 
the habit of smoking opium in 
this country is the large num- 
ber of women who are living as 
common-law wives or cohabit- 
ing with Chincsc." 

Addicts had been seen as 

people who required medical 
care, but from this point on, 
they would be seen as fiends. 
Six decades later, Richard Nix- 
on launched the modern war 
on “the drug menace” by form- 
ing the Drug Enforcement Adminis- 
tration. The White House estimated 
that 559,000 heroin addicts were 
roaming the streets, up from 68,000 
just two years carlier. After conclud- 
ing that the huge leap made him look 
bad, Nixon had the estimate lowered 
to 150,000. 


il n 1908 President Theodore Roo- 


Does the drug war corrupt police? 

According to a report by the Gen- 
eral Accounting Office, half of the 
police officers convicted as a result 
of FBI-led corruption investigations 
between 1993 and 1997 were found 
guilty of drug-related offenses. GAO 
investigators reported that “the most 
commonly identified pattern of drug- 
related corruption involved small 


groups of officers who protected and 
assisted each other in criminal activi- 
ties, rather than the traditional pat- 
terns of non-drug-related police cor- 
ruption that involved just a few 
isolated individuals or systemic cor- 
ruption pervading an entire police 
department or precinct.” Prohibition 
had had a similar effect. By 1929, 25 
percent of all federal agents had been 


fired for bribery, extortion, conspira- 
cy, embezzlement and submission of 
false reports, among other charges. 
"Today, many law enforcement offi- 
cials compromise their integrity on 
the witness stand. In Drug Crazy, Mike 
Gray's history of the drug war, a de- 
fense attorney in Chicago observed 
that cops routinely commit perjury 
while testifying about relatively minor 
drug cases. They do so to cover up il- 
legal searches of young suspects, most 
of whom are black. “It’s got to have 
an impact on acop to stand up and lie 
on a regular basis,” the attorney said. 
The war has changed how even 
law-abiding cops do their jobs: It has 
added a profit motive. Court rulings 
have made it easier for authorities to 
seize cash or other property from 


people accused of drug crimes. The 
Supreme Court has ruled that per- 
sonal property (cars, cash, a house) 
may be confiscated even if the owner 
didn’t know it was ig used for ille- 
gal activity. Ifa person is acquitted— 
or even if charges are never filed—he 
or she still must prove by a prepon- 
derance of the evidence that the 
seized money or property has no con- 
nection to the drug trade. In 
1993 a Justice Department re- 
port noted: “Asset seizures 
play an important role in the 
operation of task forces. One 
big bust can provide a task 
force with the resources to be- 
come financially independent.” 
In Missouri, local police de- 
partments routinely route as- 
set seizures through the DEA 
to avoid a law that earmarks 
the money for schools. 


Is the drug war racist? 

Despite the fact that more 
than 80 percent of drug users 
are white, prisons are over- 
flowing with black men and 
women convicted on drug 
charges. More than half of the 
blacks convicted of drug of- 
fenses receive prison sentenc- 
es, compared with a third of 
whites convicted of the same 
offenses. Blacks also do more time: 
The average federal drug sentence is 
almost 50 percent longer for blacks 
than it is for whites. As a result of 
felony convictions, more than ten per- 
cent of black men have lost their 
right to vote. In some states, this num- 
ber could reach 40 percent. 

One explanation for the number of 
blacks being arrested is the longtime 
popularity of crack cocaine, a low-cost 
drug sold in small quantities on the 
street, where it's easier for cops to 
make busts. Mandatory minimum 
laws require that federal judges sen- 
tence anyone convicted of possessing 
five grams of crack to at least five 
years in prison. It takes 100 times as 
much powder cocaine and 20 times as 
much heroin to earn that time. 


ae 


erhaps the greatest irony of 
P the national debate over who 

should go to prison for lying 
has gone largely unreported: Even 
while President Bill Clinton fought 
for his reputation and job, his admin- 
istration aggressively argued that 
Americans who make even the most 
offhand false comments to practical- 
ly any government worker deserve 
harsh punishment. 

Under Clinton's watch, 
Congress amended the false 
statements statute in 1996 
to ensure that people who 
make false statements dur- 
ing congressional testimony 
could be prosecuted. 

The FBI academy in 1997 
added a full training course 
on ethics for new recruits. 
According to the academy's 
official syllabus, subjects of 
the bureau's investigations 
have “forfeited their right to 
the truth.” 

Federal agents have the 
right to lie to you—and to 
put you in prison if you lie 
to them. Any citizen who 
makes even a single-word 
false utterance (“no,” *yes") 
to a federal agent faces up to 
five years in prison and a 
$250,000 fine. 

The false statements law 
conveys so much power that, accord- 
ing to Solicitor General Seth Wax- 
man, it could allow federal agents to 
“escalate completely innocent con- 
duct into a felony.” One federal judge 
condemned the law for encouraging 
“inquisition as a method of criminal 
investigation.” 

In 1998 the Supreme Court rein- 
forced the power of federal agents 
when it upheld the conviction of New 
York union official James Brogan. He 
was surprised at home one evening 
by two investigators who asked him if 
he had received any cash or gifts from 
a real estate company whose employ- 
ces were represented by his union. 
He answered no—which, the investi- 
gators knew, was false—and received 
a prison sentence for his one-word 


A ates ытты 
By JAMES BOVARD 


answer. (The jury also convicted Bro- 
gan of unlawfully receiving $150 in 
gratuities from the company—a 
misdemeanor.) 

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, in re- 
viewing Brogan's conviction, called 
attention to "the extraordinary au- 
thority Congress, perhaps unwitting- 
ly, has conferred on prosecutors to 
manufacture crimes." Justice Gins- 


burg warned that the Supreme 
Court's decision will apply the feder- 
al law to encounters between feder- 
al agents and their targets "under 
extremely informal circumstances 
which do not sufficiently alert the 
person interviewed to the danger that. 
false statements may lead to a felo- 
ny conviction." Ginsburg concluded 
that the broad interpretation of the 
law may result in "government gen- 
eration of a crime when the under- 
lying suspected wrongdoing is or 
has become nonpunishable." In oth- 
er words, you can be not guilty of a 
crime but guilty of lying about the 
same noncrime. 

Unfortunately, federal agents use 
the powers granted by the false state- 
ments act far more often than most 


Americans realize. And they almost. 
never warn you that a wrong single- 
word answer can earn you hard time. 

For instance, if you smuggle in опе 
Cuban cigar—and lie to a Customs 
inspector who asks what you pur- 
chased abroad—you could face two 
years in prison or a fine. Or, if you 
merely fail to complete a Customs de- 
claration form, you could face felony 

charges for making a false 
statement. 

If you question the Na- 
tional Highway Traffic Safe- 
ty Administration's position 
оп air bags and apply for а 
switch to deactivate the de- 
vice, you have to check off 
one or more state-approved 
reasons. You then have to 
certify that the statement 
you just made is “truthful, 
correct and complete to the 
best of your knowledge and 
belief” and acknowledge 
that if you make a false, fic- 
titious or fraudulent state- 
ment you are subject to crim- 
inal prosecution. 

If a taxpayer misreports 
his income by only a few 
hundred dollars, he can be 
fined or sent to prison for 
tax fraud. But if an IRS em- 
ployee misrepresents feder- 
al tax law to jack up a citi- 

zen’s tax bill by thousands of dollars, 
he is not penalized. 

Roughly 2 million Americans are 
audited each year; these audits gen- 
erate almost $30 billion for the feder- 
al government. 

How consistent are auditors in 
their misrepresentations? In 1996 the 
IRS Appeals Office found that almost 
70 cents of each dollar of additional 
taxes that auditors demanded that 
year were unjustified. Is this a lie, or 
is it what poker players call a bluff? 

Perjury is serious business. But fail- 
ing to bare your soul to some fed- 
eral employee who knocks on your 
door should be a different case. The 
core problem is that there are too 
many laws and too many government 
agents asking too many questions. 


55 


МЕ W 


° Je SR 


О ЫТ 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


INTERNAL FRAUD 


WASHINGTON. D.C—An audit of the 
IRS found that employees had stolen at 
least $5.3 million over a 30-month peri- 
od. In a case that accounted for $4.6 mil- 


lion of the total, an employee and his co- 
horts duplicated checks, then altered and 
cashed the copies. In other instances, a tax 
examiner issued ten refund checks, 10- 
taling $269,000, to herself under her 
maiden name, and an employee altered a 
taxpayer's check to make it payable to 
“LR.Smith." The General Accounting Of- 
fice, which conducted the investigation, al- 
50 criticized the IRS for hiring private 
couriers to deliver bank deposits, citing an 
incident in which a deliveryman left 8200 
‘million worth of taxpayer checks unattend- 
ed in a car with an open window. 


FORFEITURE FOLLIES 


KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI—Police depart- 
ments іп the state routinely divert money 
earmarked for schools into their own cof- 
fers to fund the war on drugs, according to 
an investigation by the Kansas City Star. 
Under state law, cash seized in drug cases 
is supposed to be turned over to a judge, 
who dispenses the funds to public schools. 
But police departments circumvent the law 
by giving the money to federal agencies 
such as the Drug Enforcement Adminis- 
tration. The feds shave about 20 percent 
off the top for “processing costs,” then те- 
turn the rest to the police as grants that 
aren't subject to state laws. State legislators 


say they had designed the law to benefit 
children and to keep police from profiting 
from forfeitures, which can lead to ille- 
gal searches. 

MILWAUKEE— Police seized $100,000 
presented as bail for an accused cocaine 
dealer, claiming the money was probably 
drug profits. But 25 members of Gerardo 
Hernandez’ family insist the funds came 
from their savings. Although the family 
provided the name, address and place of 
employment for each claimed donor, the 
state gave the money to the federal govern- 
ment. Two months later, after the feds de- 
cided they wouldn't pursue the case, the 
IRS filed a. claim for the money. The 
agency said the family may have violated 
laus regulating bank transactions of more 
than $10,000. Meanwhile, Hernandez 
remains in jail. 


ON THE EDGE 


VANCOUVER—A provisional judge has 
struck down a law that bans the possession 
of kiddie porn. Justice Duncan Shaw of 


British Columbia’s Supreme Court ruled 
that because a person's possessions reflect 
his or her thoughts, criminalizing the oum- 
ership of child porn violates the rights to 
privacy and self-expression. ‘A person who 
is prone to act on his fantasies will likely 
do so irrespective of the availability of 


pornography,” Shaw wrote. The case stems 
from the arrest of a 65-year-old man who 
owned computer disks, books and photos 
that the government considered illegal; he 
still faces distribution charges. Prosecutors 
vowed to appeal. 


SEX SELLS 


SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA—A 
movie theater owner who banned R-rated 
movies to protest their sexual, violent and 
profane content abandoned his crusade af- 
ter five months because attendance had 
dropped 40 percent. “I don't want to sit 
here and go broke,” he said. 


EQUAL ACCESS 


SANTIAGO, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC— 
About 70 female inmates at Rafey Prison 
organized a noisy protest to demand conju- 
gal visits. “We want sex,” the prisoners 
said, “and we're going to fight for it be- 
cause we are human beings just as men 
are.” Male inmates are allowed to have sex 
with their partners, but authorities claim 


that giving such a luxury to women would 
turn the prisons into maternity wards. 


FREEDOM BLEED 


WILMINGTON, DELAWARE—A federal 
court struck down a law that sought to 
restrict premium adult cable channels. 
Passed in 1996, the law required cable op- 
erators to install expensive equipment in 
30 million homes to block occasional au- 
dio and video “signal bleed” in all cable 
homes, whether or not the homeowners 
wanted it. Alternately, the statute required 
providers such as Playboy TV to broadcast 
only between 10 Рм. and 6 AM. The court 
ruled unanimously that the law violated 
the First Amendment. 


A MOTHER'S REWARD 


VERO BEACH, FLORIDA—Does a police 
officer have to read an arrested suspect his 
Miranda rights? Not if she's his mother. 
Officer Molly McIntyre visited her son in 
jail after he was arrested for burglary and 
attempted rape. Be it mother's intuition or 
Street sense, she suspected he had been in- 
volved in the murder of a young woman 
two months earlier. After a heart-to-heart 
in which his mother told him, "If we don't 
take care of this now, you're going to go to 


the electric chair,” Patrick McIntyre al- 
legedly confessed to the killing. His mother 
then asked the city for the $5000 reward. 
The city agreed to honor the request, rul- 
ing that McIntyre had visited her son as a 
mother, not as а сор. 


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ann weave: DAVID SPADE 


a candid conversation with tu's sarcastic sidekick about dating models, 
road rage, leaving saturday night live, and life without chris farley 


David Spade is driving through Beverly 
Hills, sitting high above the traffic in his 
Toyota Land Cruiser, heading for his fa- 
vorite sushi bar. As he slows for a yellow 
light, a Mercedes darts in front of him to 
take first position in the lane. Spade immedi- 
ately jabs the horn. 

“Yeah, Гое got a little road rage,” admits 
the waifish 34-year-old comedian and actor 
who, with his blond surfer locks and casual 
threads could easily be mistaken for the older 
brother of the pop group Hanson. “A couple 
weeks ago there was this dipshit in a Mon- 
tero, а little phony 4x4, who pulled up the 
side of a freeway on-ramp and jammed in 
front of me. 1 hate that he didn't pay the 
penance of waiting in the line. So 1 beeped. 
A friendly beep. Could have been a ‘hello’ 
beep. But he flipped me off and then tossed 
his cigarette out the sunroof.” It landed on 
the Land Cruiser’s hood and burned a hole. 
“I lost my mind,” says Spade. “Not that I 
would have done anything, anyway.” 

That was not always the case. Despite his 
laid-back demeanor, Spade was once an an- 
gry guy. As a kid, he was an undersized 
brainiac bullied by siblings and classmates. 
“When you're tiny, you can't fight back,” һе 
recalls. But it turned out he could only take 
so much. “Eventually 1 went shithouse and 


“Pue based my whole persona, comedically, 
on being а little squirrelly, a little fruity, 130 
pounds, 57" with clogs and ту hair blow- 
dried. 1 have to play to my strengths, which 
are, of course, my weaknesses.” 


broke everything in my room," he says. "I 
was a feisty little fucker. My dad used to say, 
‘You Kick a little dog too long, one day he's 
going to bite you." 

"Bul around ten years ago I decided 1 
couldn't do that to myself anymore. Now Um 
Mr. Even Keel. The only times it comes out 
is when I'm driving and some dipshit tries 
to take advantage of me, and when 1 chew 
through my bite plates during the night.” 

And, of course, when he’s onstage, and he 
can channel his aggravation into sarcasm. 
Arguably one of the most sarcastic members 
of the Saturday Night Live cast (he spent six 
seasons on the show), he has now become one 
of the most sardonic stars in prime time as 
Dennis Finch, the office manager with an at- 
titude on Just Shoot Me. It's turned out to be 
a profitable talent. Spade has also done com- 
mercials as well as ten feature films, includ- 
ing Tommy Boy and Black Sheep with Chris 
Farley. In his latest movie, Spade moves 
boldly into new territory—this time he final- 
ly gets the girl. 

Іп Lost and Found, he’s a down-on-his- 
luch restaurant owner who has to kidnap co- 
star Sophie Marceau’s dog and then put up 
a bogus $10,000 reward for its return just to 
keep the woman of his dreams in his life. 
Spade, who co-wrote the film, had to con- 


"Of our group—Rock, Sandler, me, Chris— 
we all knew Farley was the funniest. He һай 
so many different ways of being funny that 
we didn't. He was always bigger and goofier 
and more committed than any of us." 


vince studio suits that his having а little ro- 
mance with the laughs was not beyond rea- 
son and that his audience would accept й. 

Test audiences confirmed Spade's instinct, 
and the film will be released soon. "I'm not 
making that big a jump. Maybe an inch side- 
ways," he explains. “The most important 
thing is that this movie reflects my sense of 
humor. I'm finally saying lines that I think 
are funny.” 

David Spade has not always had things 
his шау. He was born on July 22, 1964 
in Birmingham, Michigan, to Judy, now a 
writer, and Wayne (also known as Sam and. 
Peewee). The family moved to Arizona when 
Spade was four, and his dad split soon after, 
leaving his three sons to wait for his errat- 
ic visits and eccentric gifts. When Spade's 
mother then married a doctor (who later 
committed suicide), the family moved to the 
copper-mining town of Casa Grande. That's 
where Spade developed self-protective sar- 
casm to compensate for being bullied and for 
being too uncool for school. 

In 1985 Spade left Arizona State Univer- 
sity to become a comedian. He moved to Los 
Angeles, auditioned at the Improv and got a 
regular spot because, in a stand-up world 
populated with Seinfelds, Reisers and Bel- 
zers, “they didn't have one of me.” That led 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO 


“Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong busi- 
ness, but it’s too late, I don't like lights. 1 
don’t like makeup—pulting it on or taking it 
off I don't like being on location. Aside from 
the movie, there’s no upside for me.” 


59 


PLAYBOY 


to a role in Police Academy 4, TV work and 
finally a showcase on HBO's 13th Annual 
Young Comedians Show hosted by Dennis 
Miller. In 1990 Miller persuaded Saturday 
Night Live creator Lorne Michaels to consid- 
er Spade for the show. During his run Spade 
developed such memorable characters as the 
insouciant flight attendant from Total Bas- 
tard Airlines who can't wail to bid his pas- 
sengers “Buh-bye,” a Gap girl (in Gap drag) 
and the haughty receptionist who asks even 
Jesus Christ, “And you are?” As himself on 
Hollywood Minute, Spade also put the over- 
hyped and self-important on notice with his 
dead-on disembowelments—and more than 
once received angry phone calls from his 
victims. 

During this time, Spade formed lasting 
friendships with Chris Rock and Adam 
Sandler—his office mates on SNL—and 
with Norm Macdonald and Dennis Miller. 
But the deepest bond was with Chris Farley. 
They made two hit films together and were 
discussing a third when Farley died of a 
drug overdose in December 1997. Spade was 
so devastated—though not entirely sur- 
prised—that he couldn't go to the funeral, 
preferring to grieve in private. 

Spade also remains private about his life. 
He maintains homes in Beverly Hills and 
Arizona, is single and, in addition to his 
movie and sitcom work, is developing an an- 
imated series based on his relationship with 
his father. 

We asked Contributing Editor David Ren- 
sin lo тесі with the flyweight funnyman 
while Spade filmed Lost and Found. 

“We met on the movie set, which was 
a run-down antique mall in Long Beach. 
Spade was about to rehearse a scene in 
which he takes Sophie Marceaw's purloined 
pup to a dog whisperer (played by Jon Lov- 
itz), hoping he'll find a way to make it dis- 
gorge a diamond wedding ring it might have 
swallowed. Are you sure this guy is a certi- 
fied dog whisperer?” Spade says to his assis- 
tani. Later, during a break, Spade worries 
aloud to the dog, ‘How come every day you 
act like you don't know те?” 

“In many ways, Spade is not easy to know. 
70 be sure, he’s always ready to grab hold of 
an idea and see what kind of humor he can 
wring out of it. But in our interview he was 
often low-key and thoughtful, even earnest. 
For a funny guy he takes things seriously, is 
constantly on the lookout for the surprise 
payoff and is careful not to bite off more than 
he can chew, carcerwisc. It's clear that he re- 
ally misses Farley and needs a new friend 
with whom he can be himself. 

“On our last day together, Spade invited 
me to go house hunting. At one Beverly Hills 
mansion, he paid particular attention to the 
driveway, which he rated high for skate- 
boarding and basketball. Before we left, the 
real estate agent tried to get his reaction to 
the property. ‘Nice,’ said Spade, ‘if you don't 
mind that it looks like a Spanish prison.” 


PLAYBOY: We last saw you on HBO's 13th 
Annual. Young Comedians Show in. 1989. 


60 Anything come of it? 


SPADE: Oh, nice way to start the interview 
[smiles]. They almost didn’t take me be- 
cause I actually was a young comedian. 
Those things usually feature guys like 
Paul Reiser who have been around for 
years. 

PLAYBOY: Things didn't work out too bad- 
ly for him—or for you. Saturday Night 
Live, stand-up, movies, commercials, Just 
Shoot Me. Would you change anything? 
SPADE: I always wanted to be taller, but 
now that would hurt me. I've based my 
whole persona, comedically, on being 
a little squirrelly, a little fruity, 130 
pounds, 577” with clogs and my hair 
blow-dried. If I were tall and studly I 
don't think it would be as funny. I've got 
to play to my strengths, which are, of 
course, my weaknesses. 

PLAYBOY: How does that affect your dat- 
ing routine? 

SPADE: When I was in high school I was 
like Lucas meets Powder. The girls would 
say, "You're my best friend. I'm go- 
ing to go fuck my boyfriend real quick, 
but be here when I get back, because I 
want to tell you about all our problems." 
1 was the buddy, waiting for things to 


My dad would take me 
to bars for dinner. He'd 
feed me happy hour 
food. Га go, “I don’t like 
chicken wings. I feel sick. 
I'm only five.” 


turn the corner. 

PLAYBOY: Your success must have helped 
you in that regard. Who do you date 
now, modcls and actresses? 

SPADE: [Chuckles] I've been accused of 
that. There are also rumors that I'm gay 
and, worst of all, not funny. So if people 
want to say I’ve been seen with pretty 
women, I think I can handle it. I'll take 
that hit. 

The model thing is really kind of a 
scam. The only thing worse than me say- 
ing I was a nerd in high school is hearing 
supermodels on Leno going, “I'm a total 
goofball. You should see me at home. 
I'm like a big geek.” Oh yeah? Well, now 
you're а $5 million-a-year supermodel. 
Please don't ruin the sex appeal. Don't 
act surprised that your tits are falling out 
of a dress that took you three weeks to 
pick out. 

Of course, any woman in America 
over 53” who isn't a complete hog is la- 
beled a model. It used to be that you 
could date a cute girl. Now, if she's just 
semipretty, you're suddenly a model- 
fucker. But this is Los Angeles. The only 
choices are actresses and models. End of 
argument. 


PLAYBOY: Who wants to argue? 

SPADE: It’s not as much of a victory as it 
was in the old days. It's like the guys who 
date Elizabeth Taylor now. They can tell 
their buddies they're dating her, but 
what's the big deal? She's no longer the 
hottest girl on the planet. Someone will 
always marry Christie Brinkley in a sec- 
ond, just to say, “Christie Brinkley, guys. 
High five!” Forget that it's 15 or 20 years 
later. Not that she’s bad—it's just not 
while the iron is hot. 

PLAYBOY: You're a little cynical about the 
Los Angeles dating scenc? 

SPADE: Here's the problem: A pretty 
girl's complaint in life is that everyone 
wants to fuck her. And in Hollywood 
that’s pretty much true. But I don't like 
that complaint because it falls into the 
No Shit? category, along with Who 
Cares? and It Could Be Worse. It's a giv- 
en, like in a proof in math. So go on 
from there. 

PLAYBOY: You were a math whiz in grade 
school, so we should probably believe 
you. 

SPADE: I was—and already on my way to 
being a big idiot. They wanted me to 
skip a grade, but my mom said I was too 
short. In the second grade I was doing 
fourth-grade reading and math. My best 
friend in grade school was Vietnamese, 
math whiz like me. No one else knew 
what we were talking about. 

PLAYBOY: Why were you so interested in 
numbers? 

SPADE: I wa 
kept doing it. 

PLAYBOY: You were also a spelling champ 
and a chess champ- 
SPADE: My stepdad was into me being 
smart. I saw the attention you get when 
you're smart. I'll take any attention, 
even if it's weird. Back then you don't 
know what's going to work. Trouble is, 
fourth-grade girls aren't into the smart 
guys with coin collections—they're in- 
to anything else. And 1 think that sticks 
today. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever show a date your 
coin collection? 

SPADE: Oh yeah. She was hor. She came 
all the way from Casa Grande, the little 
mining town where I grew up, to Scotts- 
dale, where I'd moved. I had her up- 
stairs. I was almost 14 and she was 12 
and even had some boobage. 1 was like, 
“You ready for this, baby? Гус got four 
and a half inches of solid steel" —áand 
then I pulled ош a roll of 1943 pennies. 
She was like, “Mmm, yes. Could I use 
those for a while?” Actually, she wanted 
to make out and I wanted to show her 
some Mercury dimes. I just didn't get it. 
PLAYBOY: You're still single. How tough 
has it been to find someone? 

SPADE: When you live somewhere be- 
tween New York and LA, and you're nice 
to women, you probably have a chance. 
That's a quality they look for. Here, it 
works against you. You can be creative, 
have a good job, money, be fun to be 


t. I was just good at it, so 1 


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with, have a nice place to live, offer secu- 
rity, be good to kids, and the woman 
says, “Well, I'm pretty, so we're exactly 
even. Besides, you're single. I don't like 
that. Why aren't you taken?" 1f you're 
married, mean to women, don't have a 
job and play in a band, you're ideal. You 
have the upper hand. Yov'll nab huge. I 
like how some girls pretend they want a 
nice guy. "Well, my last 26 boyfriends 
have been losers, but I'm really looking 
for a good guy. Someone like John Rat- 
zenberger on Cheers is my ideal man." 

1 say, “Really? You're not looking that 
hard, are you? With 26 strikes іп a row, 1 
think Pm starting to see a pattern.” 

“But you're too nice. You're too good 
to me.” 

I want to say, “Honey, just give me 
time. Don't worry your pretty little head 
about that. ГЇЇ be your worst night- 
mare.” That's when I feel sick of it all. 
I just want to get away, move out to 
the boonies, miles from anybody, settle 
down with a cute girl, snuggle up in 
front of a fire and say stuff to her like 
“Scream all you want, sugar, ain't no one 
going to hear you.” 

PLAYBOY: What's your most attractive 
quality? What do you want women to no- 
tice about you first? 

SPADE: I'm God's teacher. No, I'm easy to 
be around. Light, fun, good time. Keep 
it lively. Don't get too heavy too fast. 
That's the entire upside, but it’s a pretty 
good draw. 

PLAYBOY: As long as we are discussing 
women, perhaps you can answer a ques- 
tion that we're sure is on every man's 
mind: What is it with women and their 
dogs? 

SPADE: The theory is that dogs are the 
easiest to love and to get love from. Un- 
like guys, dogs don't complain, they 
don't have a life of their own, they don’t 
look at other dogs that much. They rely 
100 percent on the woman for food, 
shelter, happiness and love. It's pretty 
controlling to own a pet. 

PLAYBOY: Docs it excite you when you go 
to a woman's place after a date and she 
brings out the pooper-scooper? 

SPADE: I went on a date in New York. We 
got home and we were drunk, and the 
girl said, "Let me walk my dog real fast, 
then we'll retire to the bedroom.” We 
went out and the dog took a big old 
Stanley Steamer. She put a glové on and 
picked up this big old Marathon Bar, 
then carried it around while she said, “I 
thought we could do some tie-up stuff.” 
1 said, “Could you throw that Lincoln 
Log away before we start talking dirty?” 
She carried it around in a plastic glove 
like the guys at Subway who make your 
sandwiches. I'm thinking, Honey, you 
really have to lose the turd before you 
start your dialogue. And then the dog 
watched us have sex. He just sat there 
staring at us, like, “You're hurting her!” 
She said, “Believe me, he's not hurting 


62 me that bad.” 


PLAYBOY: Originally you weren't part of 
the Just Shoot Me cast, nor were you ea- 
ger to join. Why? 

SPADE: I was cautious about whatever 
I did after Saturday Night Live. Unlike 
jumping on a sitcom first thing out, I 
spent six years in a place where I had 
some say in formulating my persona. 
Most people don't have that. People go, 
“I can't believe Leonardo DiCaprio was 
өп Growing Pains.” It's easy to believe. At 
one point he was like every other dip- 
shit: He took what he could get. I got 
used to being able to throw in my two 
cents. Fd built up my own tiny image on 
Saturday Night Live and I didn't want it to 
be stripped away in two weeks on a show 
that wasn't funny. Just Shoot Me was fun- 
ny, but I had to be careful. 

PLAYBOY: What convinced you to sign on? 
SPADE: My manager. He thought it would 
be good for me and at the same time 
help bring in some of the younger audi- 
ence, to put the show across the board 
demographically. But I didn't think the 
first script they wrote me into was effec- 
tive. I was just a secretary, answering 
phones, saying something funny here 
and there. The plan was that by show 
three or four they'd introduce me all the 
way and have a story about me. I said, 
"There's no way. I can't wait that long. 
We've got to do it from the get-go.” My 
problem is, my crowd has the attention 
span of a firefly. If I'm not introduced 
fully and don't get some laughs, after 
two episodes they'll just turn away and 
say, “Spade's not funny anymore. What's 
next?" 

PLAYBOY: Who is your audience? 

SPADE: After years of research, 1 figured 
out my demographic is semiretarded 
four- to seven-year-olds. No, I think it's 
whatever Saturday Night Live's crowd is. 
Anyone from ten to 50, or older. 
PLAYBOY: How much input do you have 
on Just Shoot Me? 

SPADE: Enough. Now the hardest part is 
memorizing my lines. At the beginning I 
tried to come up with a ton of jokes. 
Then I realized I'd better relax. With 
each show I trusted them more and they 
trusted me. We met halfway, and now 
we're in a pretty good groove. 

PLAYBOY: So please tell us the truth: Is 
Finch gay? 

SPADE; I'm glad you brought that up. No. 
But sometimes they try to fag me up on 
the show and I have to put my foot 
down. He's got these fruity little traits 
that come out every week, and they try 
to whiz them by me. Last year 1 collected 
ceramic cats. I play the harp. I have a cat 
named Spartacus that I've taken to a cat 
show. But when I get too faggy, they 
have me make out with a chick. There 
was a whole episode built around me 
making out with my boss’ babysitter. In 
fact, Finch is on the prowl 24-7, so I 
think they give him these fruity charac- 
teristics just because he thinks he's so 
cool and it's funny to watch the bottom 


drop out. 

PLAYBOY: What does Just Shoot Me have to 
зау to America? 

SPADE: I'll tell you what it says to me: It's 
a teaching tool. Even the Finches of the 
world can get laid if they have enough 
chloroform and Rohypnol [smiles]. 1 like 
that the show reflects the reality of a 
backbiting workplace where people fuck 
each other over but are still friends at 
the end of the day. Everyone snipes. 
Everyone's out for themselves, not the 
team. We're always bailing when some- 
one’s in trouble, and placing the blame 
elsewhere. 

PLAYBOY: What other TV show would 
you like to cross-promote and appear on 
as Finch? 

SPADE: How about just letting me cross- 
pollinate with Josie Bissett from Melrose 
Place? 1 might do The X-Files this year, for 
real. But other than that, for fake, I can’t 
think of even one. 

PLAYBOY: You're an X-Files fan? 

SPADE: I talked to David Duchovny about 
us flip-flopping shows. We might do that 


just for fun, since he’s in LA now. He got 


them to move his show, so I'm trying to 
get them to шоуе my show, too. 
PLAYBOY: То where? 

SPADE: From shooting in the San Fernan- 
do Valley, over the hill to the Westside. 
I'm burning out on the Coldwater Can- 
yon drive. But I'll probably wait a couple 
years to see if I have any clout. 

PLAYBOY: You might not yet have clout, 
but you have fame. Have the paparazzi 
Бееп a problem for you? 

SPADE: Once 1 took my brother and bud- 
dies to Maui for a week. Suddenly 1 
showed up in Star magazine, in a tele- 
photo shot, on the beach. I knew then 
that all bets were off. It was kill or be 
killed. 

PLAYBOY: 15 that the worst of it? 

SPADE: Why isn't anyone around when 
Гт making out with Gena Lee Nolin at 
Burger King? Meanwhile, at the hotel in 
Maui a bunch of people kept checking us 
out like we were walking through a mall. 
“Неу, hey, Mr. Spade. Yeah, Im going to 
go ahead and get a picture of you and 
my son, then one of you and my daugh- 
ter. Then we'll get a three-shot.” No one 
wants to hear that I'm on vacation. Peo- 
ple walk up with their camcorders, film- 
ing while they talk to you: "Dude! I can't. 
believe you're here, man. I'm on my 
honeymoon. Say something." So ГЇЇ say, 
"What about your poor bride who puts 
up with a jackass who would walk up to. 
me with a video camera without telling 
me first." He goes, "Yeaah, Spade." They 
like that, even though I’m mad. 
PLAYBOY: You have a big teenage contin- 
gent, too. 

SPADE: | think it's because I'm as tall as 
a 13-year-old. They write me a lot. The 
letters are always funny and some are su- 
perdirty, something you don't expect 
from a teenager. 

PLAYBOY: How do you handle the girls 


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63 


PLAYBOY 


who invite you to their proms? 

SPADE: I've called a few. When I shared 
an office at Saturday Night Live with 
Sandler, Rock and Farley, we'd all get 
boxes of fan mail, and we'd read the 
letters. They always included a phone 
number. It was like, “Call me. I work at 
Tater Junction from 12 to 4, then at 5 I 
have Pilates, but I'll be home from 6 to 
7:30." It's kind of presumptuous. Га call 
and go, “Is Crystal home from her Pi- 
lates class yet?" 

"Yes, but I'm not sure where she is аг 
the moment. Who's this2" 

“It's David Spade. Tell her I got her 
letter. I thought it was very nice. Аррге- 
ciate her writing and, yes, I'll try to smile 
more.” 

They always shit. The next letter is, 
“Oh my God! I can't believe it! My stupid 
mom didn't get me! I was out front on 
my bike! Call again, here are my times! I 
told everyone at school you called!” 

We'd just take turns. Farley would do 
it, too: “Hey, Bob Fredericksen from Gal- 
lager Tetanoni. Say, is there a Sarah at 
this address?” 

“Yes, that’s my daughter.” 

“Well, can you put her on? She just 
won a new pup tent courtesy of —” 
Held just fuck with them. Once they fig- 
ure out it's you, it's really fun. 

PLAYBOY: Do you guys crank-call опе 
another? 

SPADE: That's one thing I miss about Far- 
ley, his phone messages. [Imitating Farley] 
“Dave Spade, how are ya? Uh, listen, I'm 
workin’ sales down here in Fond du Lac, 
and, uh, you know 68 percent of the 
country needs new lawn equipment. 
The other, uh, whatever percent makes 
up a hundred, don’t. And sir, we have an 
exciting оНег--” 

PLAYBOY: It’s been almost a year and а 
half since your best friend died. How are 
you handling it? 

SPADE: There's only a handful of people 
who know me back and forth, and be- 
cause of Saturday Night Live and Tommy 
Boy and Black Sheep—films аге 24-hour- 
a-day experiences—we knew each other 
like that. We'd talk about everything, 
and it was always safe. I totally miss that 
shorthand. 

PLAYBOY: Instead of going to Farley's fu- 
neral, you wrote a tribute to him in Roll- 
ing Stone. Why? 

SPADE: It was an easier way to answer all 
the requests to say something. I got 
more than 100 calls for interviews. To 
do them would have been self-serving. 
What does it help to give some talk show 
a four-minute piece that’s forgotten the 
next day? They just want to ask you 
those fake questions: “Did you see it 
coming? Was it bad when he died?” The 
fake concern is always so gross. I didn't 
want to seem like I was capitalizing on it. 
For me it was best to talk it out with 
Sandler and Rock, the guys who were 
in the trenches. Also, my mom knew 


64 Chris really well, and she knew his mom. 


There are a lot of people around me 
who І could comfortably talk to about 
everything without taking the chance of 
saying the wrong thing in public. 
PLAYBOY: Did you do the right thing? 
SPADE: Yeah. Going to the funeral would 
have been too hard. So much grief and 
emotion. I couldn't go through that. Just 
talking to Sandler on the phone I'd well 
up thinking about all three of us. To ac- 
tually see all those people, to be in Wis- 
consin where everything would remind 
me of Farley—I'd have been overcome. I 
was too fragile. I didn’t want to deal with 
it. It was kind of selfish, but who cares? 
PLAYBOY: Not long after, another SNL 
cast member died. 

SPADE: When Phil Hartman died I just 
pretended it hadn't happened. I didn't 
even know how to deal with that. It came 
100 quickly on the heels of Farley, and it 
surprised me how numb I got. I deflect- 
ed it like Teflon. 

PLAYBOY: You didn't go to that memorial 
either. 

SPADE: We were shooting the show that 
night. 1 actually would have gone, and it 
wouldn't have blown my mind like Far- 
ley's funeral would have. We spent six 
years together, and Phil was a great guy, 
he was always cool to me when lots of 
people at Saturday Night Live weren't. 
PLAYBOY: The fact that you loved him 
aside, what was the hardest thing about 
being around Farley? 

SPADE: His intensity. 1 didn't want to bum 
him out by not partying as hard, «o after 
a while I learned to steer clear. It's fun to 
bc in that world, to bop around and say 
hi and have a beer, but you don't want to 
be there all night. Га done it enough in 
high school to remember it was horrify- 
ing. Some of the idiot people he was 
around got on my nerves. Half the time 
he partied with fans he'd meet at a bar 
because they were the only ones who 
would stay up until four АМ. on a work- 
day. I much preferred hanging with 
Chris alone. 

PLAYBOY: How was that different? 

SPADE: Hc didn't put on a show; or if he 
did it was just for me. I still want to call 
him if I hear something funny, or some- 
thing that would piss him off, or if I sec a 
girl I know he would die for, or a script 
that would be great for us to do. 
PLAYBOY: Did you have a movie planned 
together before he died? 

SPADE: We'd started thinking about a 
new one. One night I ran into him at the 
Mondrian Hotel bar. He was doing an 
interview and he had some guy with 
him. He saw me, and we talked. We 
hadn't seen each other for about two 
months. He said, “Nobody cares about 
anything but Tommy Boy. They don't talk 
about Beverly Hills Ninja or anything 
else. We've got to get back to doing 
something like Tommy Boy.” We batted 
around ideas. One was a new t on 
the Hardy Boys, a comedic detective 
adventure. 


PLAYBOY: Was he right about Tommy Boy? 
‘SPADE: Yes. It's the most proud I've been 
of anything, and people want to talk 
about it all the time. It hit on all levels. It 
was basically about me and Chris being 
friends. It let us be funny the way we're 
funny. It was cut together well. It had 
heart, it was goofy, unexpected. And we 
were in control. 

PLAYBOY: What did you admire about 
Farley? 

SPADE: Lots of things. Of our group— 
Rock, Sandler, me, Chris—we all knew 
Farley vas the funniest. He had so many 
different levels and ways of being funny 
that we didn't. Farley was always bigger 
and goofier and funnier and more com- 
mitted than any ofus. He got the bigger 
payoff. 

PLAYBOY: There's a much-published ріс- 
ture of you, Farley, Sandler and Rock 
taken backstage at Rock's Universal Am- 
phitheater show іп 1997, a few months 
before Farley died. Can you stand to 
look at it? 

SPADE: Yeah. It makes me feel great and 
sad. The night was a total blast. It was 
one of the last times the four of us were 
together, because it's hard to get us in 
the same room at the same time. It's 
great that we all did well and remained 
friends. What are the chances of that in 
this business? It's tough to look at that 
picture, knowing it was just about over 
for Farley. If I or one of the others had 
died, it might have been even weirder. 
Farley was the one we thought some- 
thing might happen to—like a guy walk- 
ing through heavy traffic. It was nerve- 
g. Like he was playing Frogger 
with his life. 

PLAYBOY: What could you do to bug 
Farley? 

SPADE: Hint that he couldn't beat up 
someone. Once, at Saturday Night Live, 
he wrestled Jay Mohr and Jay pinned 
him. Farley got caught off guard, and 
that flipped him out. Till the day he 
died I'd go, “Remember when Jay Mohr 
pinned you by the elbow?" 

“That motherfucker! I'll kill that 
fuck!” 

Га go, “That was ugly. It was in front 
of chicks and everyone at work.” 

“Fuck you, dude. I wasn't even paying 
attention. He's a pussy!” Then Га turn 
to Mohr and say, “Jay, remember when 
you pinned Farley?” and Chris would 
snap. Га have to say, “What are you, a 
sucker? You know I only say this to get 
you mad.” And because we were so close, 
he loved it when I ripped him. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever try to intervene in 
his problems? 

SPADE: I'm not being callous, but I knew 
I was helpless. I tried to give him the 
old "It's not worth it” and “Come оп, 
you shouldn't be partying so much." 
He would always sit and listen to the 
lectures. He would nod and agree: "I 
know. You're right.” I thought I was so 
smart and that I'd articulated my case 


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PLAYBOY 


well. Then he'd turn around and do 
whatever he wanted. I realize he played 
me. But then I'd see guest hosts do it, 
pull Chris aside to talk to him. He liked 
the attention. A host would go, "Let's 
talk. Let's go to dinner, just me and you, 
and talk.” He was like, “Yeah, maybe we 
should.” Then he'd tell me, “I had din- 
ner with so-and-so last night.” I'd go, "I 
know. I'm sorry I'm not a fucking drug- 
gie, maybe I could have gone.” He'd say, 
“It's not just ‘cause of that!” 

Sometimes I made fun of Chris be- 
cause he'd constantly sniff around the 
hosts to see if they had any similar prob- 
lems so they could hang together. 

“Are you scared to be in the ocean?” 

“Not really.” 

“Oh. Then, are you 
scared of gangs, or of. 
being shot?" 

“Well, I guess.” 

“Me too! Let's go to 
lunch at Houlihan's." 
PLAYBOY: Was he that 
insecure? 

SPADE: The irony is 
that all these hosts 
wanted to hang out 
with him anyway. 
They didn't need to 
have problems in 
common. They just 


PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Saturday 
Night Live now? 

SPADE: My first three years were the 
hardest. Even in my fifth year, Sandler 
and Farley were doing great and I went 
nine shows without being the lead in a 
sketch. My fifth year. Nine shows. Is that 
horrible? Five years and 1 still didn't 
have enough pull. That was hard 
PLAYBOY: What was the problem? 

SPADE: When I was there, being able to 
do impressions was a big way to get on 
the air. If someone in the news looked 
like Sandler, say Macho Camacho, Sand- 
ler would do it. If the person looked like 
Rob Schneider, say K.D. Lang, Schnei- 
der would do it. If the person looked like 


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bate Bush and get in the middle.” But I 
didn't hear back from the writer, and 
two weeks later they wrote in Perot and 
gave it to Dana. The problem was that he 
couldn't do it because he had to be Bush. 
"They said, "We'll figure something out." 
‘Then they told me, "We're going to have 
a prime-time political special. You're go- 
ing to be in it. You're going to get an 
extra chunk of money. You're doing 
Perot." 

I puton the Perot makeup and we did 
a three-shot of me, Dana and Phil walk- 
ing out for a debate. Then Dana did his 
speech, as Bush, and when they got to 
Perot, they had me walk away. Then 
Dana got into the Perot makeup, came 
in and did the rest of the closeups. Af- 
ter 45 minutes of 
bald cap and Perot 
makeup, I was just 
there to walk in for 
the wide shot. It was 
so humiliating. 
PLAYBOY: You didn't 
know that before the 
taping? 
SPADE: I got a whiff of 
it the day before, and 
I was like, “That is 
fucking horrifying.” I 
tried to get out of it 
but I couldn't. Team 


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wanted to be around 
him. Always. There 
was something about 
him that was so fun to 
watch, and he was so 
crazy and goofy and 
really likable. He was 
the guy to watch, the 
guy to like. I see our 


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player. I told Dana 
and he said, “That’s 
horrible. I can’t be- 
lieve they're doing 
that to you." 

PLAYBOY: Couldn't he 
have said no? 

SPADE: I guess so, 
but you know what? 


old films and I watch 
him and not me. 
What does that say? 
Everybody I'd run 
into on the street, 
famous or not, would 
go, “What's Chris Far- 
ley like?" He didn't 
need all that other 
crap to hide behind. 
It was easy to like 
Chris. 

PLAYBOY: And what is it that you hide 
behind? 

SPADE: Fame is the only rap I have. In 
high school and in college I wasn't tall 
enough or good-looking enough to 
stand out. I was too embarrassed and too 
smart to think that anything I could say 
to anyone, particularly a girl, wouldn't 
be seen through. I thought there was 
nothing І could say that wouldn't sound 
stupid. So I didn't even try. If it didn't 
walk into my lap I wouldn't get it. But 
fame is the best icebreaker, because peo- 
ple already know you. In a bar, women 
usually think you're a psycho until you 
prove otherwise. But if they've seen you 
on Letterman, they've already decided if 


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me, Dana Carvey would do it. I could do 
impressions—Tom Petty, Michael J. Fox, 
Jeff Foxworthy, but basically the show al- 
ready had one of me. That's how you got 
ahead. I was more a personality, like a 
Bill Murray. In a sketch I'm always a lit- 
Че bit of David Spade. I don't disappear 
into characters. 

When the elections came around in 
1992, Dana was famous for doing 
George Bush. Phil Hartman was Clin- 
ton. I saw this Ross Perot guy on CNN; it. 
was the first time I'd heard of him. He 
had a funny accent and I thought he'd 
be fun to do. I called one of the writers 
and said, "Hey, if this guy does better, 
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I can't blame him. 
When you get the 
chance, you want to 
be funny. He scored 
his ass off with it. 
My Perot was pretty 
good, but I couldn't 
do it better than Da- 
na could. 

PLAYBOY: Which is 
your best character? 
SPADE: I never really 
had the confidence to do wigs or disap- 
pear into a character, but “Gap Gi 
with Sara Gilbert was one of my favorite 
sketches. “Buh-bye” was always funny 
to me. “Karl with a K,” where I worked 
at the video store—I did that one or 
two times. 

PLAYBOY: How would you describe what 
you do best? 

SPADE: I know how other people describe 
it. Гуе had meetings where someone has 
said, "We want to do a movie with you, 
and we want you to write it." I'd think, 
Great, a chance to be dry and clever and 
do material where no one can predict 
the payoff. Then they'd say, “Yeah, you'll 
be an asshole and a dick and cut every- 
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PLAYBOY: They want the “Hollywood Minute.” 
SPADE: Right. But on the “Hollywood Minute,” instead of a 
straight cut-down, the fun was finding a different way to say it: 
“Billy Ray Cyrus, Letterman, Madonna, all the people who 
will be around next year, take one step forward. Not so fast, 
Billy Ray.” 

PLAYBOY: That segment defined your voice. Why did you give 
it up? 

SPADE: It was more fun when I was a nobody, an all-Ameri- 
can-looking kid on TV blindsiding major celebrities. After I 
did a commercial and Tommy Boy, 1 was suddenly one of them. 
It wasn't as interesting. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you resurrect the "Hollywood Minute" last 
year when you hosted Saturday Night Live? 

SPADE: I didn't want to. But my manager said, “I think it's a 
mistake. People love it.” I said, “If it tanks I'll come off as a 
dick. I'd rather have the applause they give to the Hollywood 
Minute’ and not do it.” He said, “If you're such a pussy about 
it, get a little puppet to do it.” He was half-kidding but I went, 
“That would be funny. Then I wouldn't have to take the heat. 
I could just blame it on the puppet.” 

PLAYBOY: And then you dissed Eddie Murphy again. Last time 
you called him “a falling star” and he reamed you out on 
the phone. 

SPADE: Yeah, but this time I stick up for Eddie Murphy. I say, 
“Eddie Murphy and 1 are friends.” The puppet says, "That's 
not what I heard.” [Pauses] It worked out fine and I realized 
after three years that if Eddie Murphy and I weren't friends 
by then, we probably were never going to be friends. 
PLAYBOY: Chris Rock says the best comics have a distinctive 
move to the basket. What's Sandler's? 

SPADE: He's prolific. He writes fast, he writes a lot, and he 
writes it pretty funny. His secret weapon might be his albums. 
He carpet bombs by putting out an album once a year, kind of 
behind the scenes so no one really knows about it except this 
huge underground audience that plays them over and over. 
The albums are like appetizers, a little chum, until the movie 
comes out, It keeps everyone excited. 

PLAYBOY: What about Rock? 

SPADE: His newfound confidence. He's bright and articulate, 
and you don't see that in a Jot of comics, black or white. He 
can dissect what's funny about something really fast and put a 
joke together. He forms an opinion right away and commits to 
it, whereas it takes me a while to figure out the finest angle. 
PLAYBOY: Explain Norm Macdonald. 

SPADE: He's a Canadian farm boy from Quebec. Something 
went wrong with Norm early on. He's one of the few fun ones 
to watch. I also like Colin Quinn, because the only guy who 
could replace Norm was another funny guy. 

PLAYBOY: What's your move? 

SPADE: Pretty quick on the feet. Not threatening. Kind of 
an Everyman. Work hard at it, try to make it look like I don't. 
Try to be consistently funny every time Im seen. That's the 
hard part. 

PLAYBOY: What was different about Saturday Night Live when 
you went back to be a guest host? 

SPADE: The show has been pretty funny. They're also getting 
away with being much filthier than I thought they could be. 
Before I hosted I watched to see what Га be getting into; they 
were doing things we could never have done when I was part 
of the cast. Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan humping on the 
couch, Chris jacking off a champagne bottle and spewing 
foam all over her, and then Cheri rubbing it onto her chest. 1 
felt shocked, like an old grandma: “Ooh, I'm a little flush! 
Rah-ther!” And what about the commercial parody about the 
car you can fuck? Come on! 

PLAYBOY: Lorne takes each week's host to dinner on Tuesday 
night. How was the meal? 

SPADE: I said, "Who's coming? Let's get Will, let's get Cheri.” 
He said, “Would you mind just us? We'll catch up. I haven't 
seen you in a while.” Just me and Lorne, for the first time 
since Га been there. I said, “Yeah, sure.” We went to Orso, 


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PLAYBOY 


chatted about the old cast and what's go- 
ing on, and his movie stuff, the show and 
NBC. He has insight on a lot of things 
and he gave me some fatherly advice, 
like “What are you doing with your 
money?” It was cool. He was fun. He 
knows I’m not the crafty type, sneaking 
around, spilling secrets, trying to hurt 
people. He realizes I'm pretty much face 
value, so we had a nice, fun talk. 
PLAYBOY: Was Lorne Michaels a father 
figure for you? 

SPADE: A lot of my life I just wanted a 
dad, so in a way Lorne was. He's a guy 1 
would naturally look to for advice, espe- 
cially since he knows everything about 
show business. Plus, he's funny. He's 
very dry. He gets all the jokes, which is 
nice. He fell into my sense of humor. It 
tock a couple years, but once we jibed, 
he really got what I do. That helped ше. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your real fa- 
ther. Why are you developing Peewee, an 
animated prime-time sitcom named af- 
ter him? 

SPADE: Television is full of shows about 
good dads trying to save the day. This is 
a realistic version of the ne'er-do-well fa- 
ther who split, His grown son is in show 
business and the father pops up just to 
reap the benefits. He's a screw-off dad, 
irresponsible, a little selfish, with a bit of 
an absent conscience—like he had when 
he boogied in the first place. But he's 
back and now they're just two buddies 
having fun. The kid turns into more of 
the father and takes care of the son, 
who's the father. The kid is levelheaded; 
the dad is still a screwup partyer. They 
try to mend their relationship. I'm co- 
producing it with Drake Sather, who, by 
the way, was on the Young Comedians Show 
with me. 

PLAYBOY: How closely is it based on your 
life? 

SPADE: I'm the youngest of three boys, 
and after moving us to Arizona from 
Michigan, my dad split when I was five. 
He freaked out and bailed. Too much 
pressure. Three kids and a mortgage, 
and he wasn't even 30 years old. Sud- 
denly my mom had to have two jobs: 
working as a department store sales 
clerk during the day and then doing oth- 
er work at night. Plus she had to take 
care of three rugrats. Once a year he'd 
show up and give me a two-color Nerf 
football for Christmas—he spoiled me— 
and a spin in his dune buggy, then һе 
was gone again, thinking he was my 
hero. In truth it was fun. We'd go, "Hey, 
Mom, he's got a dune buggy. You suck. 
All you do is make us do homework апа 
take care of us when we have the mea- 
sles. He's a party." My dad would take 
me to bars for dinner. He'd feed me hap- 
py hour food. I'd go, "I don't like chick- 
en wings. I feel sick. I'm only five." He'd 
go, "Hey, put a wrench on it. Everything 
will be fine. Let's gol It's almost seven, 
eat up!” 


68 PLAYBOY: Are you angry with him? 


SPADE: I was. You only get one dad, so I 
always tried to make him want to be a 
better one. I missed out. My brothers 
and J had no one to teach us to play foot- 
ball or baseball. It was kind of a drag. 

But now we talk all the time. He's a 
good guy. Now that I can deal with it and 
we're buddies, it's fun. But when 1 was 
13 or 14 I tried to talk to my dad about it 
and he said, “Hey, what was I going to 
do? You were out there pooping in your 
diapers. What a drag! You think I want 
to come home to that every night?” 

“No, but you're supposed to. Do you 
think I wanted to sit there with no dad?" 

“You guys were a handful. We'd go hit 
the cathouses, me and my buddy.” 

“You were out there scamming while 
you were married?" 

“Hey dude, I was seeing double and 
feeling single." He's always had these 
ridiculous little sayings. He told me, 
“Marriage is the only game two can play 
and both can lose.” Or, “The fucking 
you're getting ain't worth the fucking 
you're getting.” All these sad, negative, 
pessimistic sayings. 

PLAYBOY: Not something you wanted 
to hear? 

SPADE: Not really. 

PLAYBOY: Did he actually come back and 
take advantage of your success? 

SPADE: Not nearly as much as this goofy 
animated show will imply. It's just a 
great premise. Imagine me walking out 
to get the paper at seven A.N. and an an- 
imated Mickey Rourke is dropping off 
my dad: "Later, Mickey! We gotta work 
on that temper: Hey, Davey, what's going 
on, buddy? Не% a good kid, Rourke. 
Oh, by the way, I pinched 500 from your 
wallet. I'll fill in the blanks later.” Peewee 
always wants money: “I'll follow you to 
the АТМ.” My dad's not really taking ad- 
vantage of show business, but he follows 
it. We get along great. Luckily my life is 
better now. 

PLAYBOY: What was life like with your 
mother? 

SPADE: We were selfish brats and my 
mom was a champ. She had no social 
life, but when she would date some freak 
we'd vote on him. He'd leave and she'd 
go, “OK, how did you like that one?” We 
actually wanted her to marry the ice- 
cream man. She was stupid to let us in 
on the vote. “The guy with the Otter 
Pops, Mom!” Then she married Howard 
Hyde, someone solid, hardworking, re- 
sponsible, not great-looking. She said, 
“I just want someone who takes care of 
the kids, who's got a good head, who's a 
smart guy.” That was my first lesson in 
looking past the physical stuff; you just 
want someone who's cool. 

PLAYBOY: Did you vote on your stepdad? 

SPADE: I don't remember. He did win us 
over after a while. He was a doctor— 
and a little kooky, but we didn't really 
know that. 

PLAYBOY: He committed suicide in 1986. 

SPADE: Yeah. He had been through the 


Vietnam war as a medic. It must have 
been rough to see that kind of stuff ev- 
ery day. He was a little tweaked. How- 
ard moved us to Casa Grande, a little 
copper-mining town outside Phoenix 
where everyone had two kids and made 
$10,000 a year. He was a doctor at the 
hospital. It was a scary little town, all mi- 
norities except for a handful of white 
people. 1 lived in fear from the time I 
was eight until I was 19. There were 
fights and stare-downs and we were fol- 
lowed. You were never comfortable. 
There's not a lot more to say. 
PLAYBOY: Then let's change the subject. 
How easy was it to slip into the role of 
a leading man in your new movie, Lost. 
and Found? 
SPADE; In the ten movies I've done, I've 
never had a girlfriend, never had a 
date, never had anything. Someone who. 
works for all the studios must keep track. 
of that because when I suggested a com- 
edy in which I get the girl they were 
like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I didn't real- 
ize they were such sticklers. I thought 
they might have trouble with me doing 
Shakespeare in the Park, but not a com- 
edy with a girl in the same shot as me. I 
wasn't looking to make any great leap, 
just to inch over slowly, do what I do in 
а comedy—be semi-biting—with a little 
romance. 
PLAYBOY: Did that make you cynical 
about the movie business? 
SPADE: l think it’s too late for that. 
PLAYBOY: What made you think you 
could pull it off? 
SPADE: I didn't. But I thought it was 
worth a try even though I knew that 
Hollywood is so one-dimensional that 
they can imagine only what they've seen 
before. I'd done a few movies that 
opened well. So I thought everyone 
knew Farley was great—but one or two 
people might say, “Hey, Spade's at least 
50 percent of that.” But no one did. All 
the arrows pointed to Chris, and that 
was kind of a bummer to deal with. I re- 
alized I had to write one for myself. It 
was cither that or keep reading scripts 
that were all so mass appeal-directed 
that they weren't funny. 
PLAYBOY: Is romantic comedy tougher to 
write? 
SPADE: It's trickier because everything 
isn't for the laugh. You have to get a feel 
for the movie. The big mistake comedi- 
ans make in romantic comedy is to just. 
have the girl sit there and laugh while 
they do their act in every scene. 
PLAYBOY: Were you tempted to write sex 
scenes? 
SPADE: There's a little kissing. I didn't 
want to make it cringe time for the audi- 
ence, like, “Неге, I'll write myself a pret- 
ty girl to make out with." 
PLAYBOY: Yet your co-star, Sophie Mar- 
ceau, easily fits the description. 
SPADE: The movie is about both of us. 
She's not there just to tell the audience 
(continued on page 155) 


WHAT SORT OF МАМ READS PLAYBOY? 


A man with an active fantasy life—is that what you're thinking? Well, somebody has to do the job, 
and it may as well be you. You own a camera, right? PLAYBOY men spent more than $262 mil- 
lion on cameras last year. Four million PLAYBOY men own cameras, which is more than the men 
who read GQ, Esquire and Popular Photography combined. Now all you have to do is round Y 
up the models. PLAYBOY—where the action is always a snap. (Source: Fall 1998 MRI.) ЖЫ 


69 


70 


THE STORY 
OF OUR 
SORDID LOVE 


as told by janeane 
garofalo and ben stiller 


here, for the first time, 


america’s secret, sweethearts tell all— 


so you won t make the same mistakes 


E HAVE experi- 
enced, quite possi- 
bly, the worst rela- 
tionship ever—at 

each other's hands, 

That's right. Garo- 
falo and Stiller were once an item. 
An item of what? is the question. 
All we can tell you is that the item 
was highly perishable and went bad 
after about 12 weeks. We let you in 
on this secret for a good reason. It is 
a prime example of the pitfalls that 
can plague you in that wonderful 
cesspool we call love. 

What follows is an honest account 
of a real relationship, one that to 
this day we both regret wholeheart- 
edly. If the tone is negative, do not 
be put off. Yes, there is still an awful 
taste in our mouths, six years later, 
but that doesn’t mean your relation- 


ship will turn out the same. 


BEN'S VERSION 
We Meet 
Janeane was not what 1 expected, 
right from the start. I guess I didn't 
expect her to be drunk 
I wasat T. J. O'Pootertoot's, a pop- 


ular eatery in Beverly Hills, for 
nearly an hour before Janeane am- 
bled through the revolving door— 
about twice before she figured out 
how to emerge from it. 

By this time І had downed my 
share of gin and tonics, but ] was 
still sober enough to smell the whis- 
key on her breath 

She seemed eager to find a booth 
where we could be alone together, 
and after the pizza-tizers she was 
fecling—well, how should I put 
it? —lers just say frisky. 

Not knowing what I was in for, I 
played along, finding her boldness 
attractive, the gin making her all the 
more enticing. 

By dessert, we were both more 
than a bit tipsy. We were sloshed 

On the way to the parking lot, 
‘Janeane told me she loved me, and 
then belched, We made out for a 
long time in my car, which we lat- 
er somehow navigated to her house 
There, we made messy love and 
passed out with our backs to each 
other. 

After that we were inseparable. 


ILLUSTRATION BY JANET WOOLLEY 


PLAYBOY 


72 


Doesn't sound like a fortuitous be- 
ginning, does it? But believe it or not, 
no real mistakes were made until the 
morning after. If we had both just left it. 
as a drunken, one-night coupling, it 
would have been perfect. 

But we made the mistake most un- 
happy couples make—we threw good 
money after bad. 

RULE: NEVER HAVE A SERIOUS RELATION- 
SHIP WITH SOMEONE WHOM YOU GE 
DRUNK WITH AND SCREW ON THE FIRST 
NIGHT 


THE PARTY 


"The first few weeks were a heady 
time for both of us. We fell into each 
other, sometimes quite literally. Under 
Jancane's influence, I rarely saw a 
sober moment. 

Both up-and-coming in the 
comedy world, we melded togeth- 
er in the way many codependent 
couples do. Each reveled in the 
other's success and fell into deep 
depression when one of us did 
not get a job we wanted. 

1 was experiencing one such 
depression around the time of my 
birthday. I had been called back 
five times to audition for the role 
of Potsie Jr. on the fledgling Fox 
network's pilot Happy Days 92. 

The idea was that Fonzie, now 
in his early 60s and penniless, 
convinces Richie Cunningham, 
now president and chief execu- 
tive officer of Cunningham Inter- 
national Hardware, to buy the 
vacant lot where Al's once stood. 
Fonzie, who has just been re- 
leased from the Wisconsin State 
Fenitentiary, has a dream of de- 
yeloping the lot into a youth cen- 
ter. Anyway, suffice it to say that 
Potsie Jr. was a plum role that 
could have been what we in the 
industry call a “breakout character.” 
Like an Urkel, or someone like that. 

As luck would have it, I was in- 
formed on my birthday that I had lost 
the role, It seemed that the head of the 
network thought PJ. (Potsie Jr.) should 
look more “all-American.” 

I didn’t take it well. Perhaps I had 
had a little too much of certain phar- 
maceutical substances that I shouldn't 
have had; perhaps I was just plain 
bummed out. All I remember is that 
when 1 finally got it together enough 
to show up at Janeane's, I was wasted. 
I had repeatedly warned her on the 
phone that I was not in any mood to do 
anything special for my birthday—least 
of all, to have a surprise party. But 
when I walked through the door, I was 
greeted by the most mind-numbing 
shrieks of “Happy birthday!" that you 
have ever heard. My skull seemed to 
be vibrating to the point of being about 


to explode, and then I was inundated 
with faces of people I hadn't seen or 
wanted to see in years. It was hell. 

In Jancanc's defense, I will say that I 
had not told her that I didn’t get the 
part. She had no way of knowing the 
depth of my depression that night. To 
everyone else I was the birthday boy, 
but to me I was Not Potsie Jr. 

The details of that night are still un- 
clear to me. I remember Janeane's be- 
ing upset that I didn't interact with 
the guests and I have a vague recol- 
lection of getting quite upset when I 
walked into the bedroom and the ТУ 
was tuned to the old movie Heroes, star- 
ring Henry Winkler. I believe 1 may 
have thrown the TV out the window. 


Our lovers, seen here in happy times, appear unaware 
of the impending emotional havoc they will wreak. 


After that Janeane wouldn't talk to 
me for a long time. But after I found 
out that the show was not picked up, 
things got much smoother between us. 

In retrospect, she was right. If she 
had been stronger, she would have re- 
alized that I was transferring my frus- 
uation onto her. But by staying in the 
relationship, Janeane was sending me 
a secret signal: It's OK to be abusive 
when you don't get the part of Potsie Jr. 

RULE: NEVER THROW A SURPRISE PARTY 
FOR YOUR MATE WHEN HE HAS JUST LOST A 
ROLETO JASON BATEMAN. 


THANKSGIVING 


We probably should have called it 
quits soon after that incident, but of 
course we made the same mistake most 
couples make: We had intense post- 
fight sex and decided it was time for 
me to meet her family. 

It was nearing Thanksgiving, and Ja- 


neane hinted that she would love for 
me to accompany her to Nutley, New 
Jersey to meet her clan. I had wanted 
to take a road trip—camping in the 
northern mountains of Arizona. It’s 
something I do every year around 
"Thanksgiving, a way of saying thank 
you to that higher power, in a slightly 
more spiritual fashion than with a can 
of cranberry sauce and some dressing. 

I posed the idea of a wilderness ad- 
venture, and Janeane answered in her 
usual disarming, straight-to-the-punch 
manner, “You can go camp up in Wa- 
200, Alaska for all I care. I’m spending 
Turkey Day in Nutley with my people.” 

She hadn't said it in so many words, 
but the message was implicit: Come 
with me or else. I acquiesced, on 
the condition that we drive cross- 
country—which Janeane consid- 
ered to be a huge concession. 

Here's where another mistake 
was made. Janeane thought she 
was helping me by agreeing to 
drive when she really wanted to 
fly. Because she didn't express 
her true feelings, I was subjected 
throughout the entire trip to a 
pling, roiling, angry little “fly 
baby” who wanted nothing less 
than to be lying back and munch- 
ing peanuts on United Airlines 
first class to Newark. 

By never expressing her true 
feelings to me, Janeane inadver- 
tently sabotaged any chance that 
we might have had for a simple, 
fun trip. 

RULE: NEVER COMMIT TO A TRIP 
OR VACATION WITH A PARTNER WHO 
HAS GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES THAT 
YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY COMFORT- 
ABLE WITH. 


FAMILY TIME 


The Thanksgiving weekend іп 
Nutley proved to be a seminal point in 
the relationship. I was not looking for- 
ward to the experience. The tension 
between us was thicker than the Dela- 
ware Water Gap (which we crossed 
entering New Jersey), and things 
weren't getting any better. 

Perhaps one of the mistakes I 
made—yes, I did make a few in this 
relationship—was believing what Ja- 
neane had told me about her family. 
How surprised I was to find that these 
gentle souls could not be further from 
the portrait painted in her obviously 
fictitious stand-up act (except for her 
“Nana,” who seemed to be in the ad- 
vanced stages of Alzheimer's—and an 
easy comedy target). 

Right away, Janeane sensed the 
ease with which her father and I got 
along, and it became an immediate 
flash point. 

(continued on page 167) 


Venus and Cupid Renegotiate the Rules of Oral Sex, 
Adultery and Sexual Harassment 


73 


AFARI 


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we айй our own beauties to the 
challenging wonder of africa 


When three Playmates land in Africa, you know there's going to 
be o big splosh. Karin Taylor, Jami Ferrell and Rachel Jean Mar- 
teen (opposite, left to right) make woves with a large new friend 
in Zimbabwe. Traveling on safari you rely on local modes of 
transport (above, top), which dictate that you pack light. After 
their arrival in Chifungulu, Zambia (above, bottom), Korin and 
Jomi pore over а roadmap, looking for town names they recog- 
nize, while Rachel Jean pitches in to unload the gear and bags. 


t AWARE. It takes a little patience and a lot of 
time to get to Sausage Tree Camp in Chi- 
fungulu, Zambia, on the continent of Africa: 
Chicago to New York to Johannesburg to 
Lusaka, Zambia, The airports and airplanes 
get smaller on each leg of the trip, until we 
reach Jeki Airstrip, where a pilot named 

Lucky has to buzz a stubborn zebra off the red-dirt field 

before he can land our Cessna. After that, there’s still an 

hour's drive in a Land Rover—a real Land Rover; the 
brush guard and fog lights actually serve a purpose—to 
reach the camp- 

What am I doing on the banks of the steamy Zambezi 
River, with crates of photo gear and a crew that includes 
world-traveled photographer Richard Fegley? I'm here to 
shoot the trip of a lifetime, an African safari with three of 
our most adventurous Playmates—Jami Ferrell, Rachel 
Jean Marteen and Karin Taylor. As Managing Photogra- 
phy Editor, it’s my responsibility to ride herd on the 
group. These are the days when I really love my job. 

With help from some friends at Explore Inc., we have 
planned a three-point play in southern Africa—Zam- 
bia, Zimbabwe, Botswana—to get a taste of the safari 
experience. Our first stop is (text concluded on page 84) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY 


75 


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At Camp Amalinda іп Mataba Hills, Zim- 
babwe (apposite), Rachel Jean (left), 
Karin (right) and Jami (botiom) prepare 
themselves for the doy's adventures: Ra- 
chel Jean (below left) masters the art of 
shaking hands with an elephant, while 


AN 
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Jami checks out a pair af white rhino thot SS 


have wandered thraugh the neighbor- 
hood (below right). In Chifungulu, Jami 


tries aut the open-air shower at Sausage E 
Tree Comp (above), named after a local | 


tree with a hanging cylindrical leaf. At the 
Makgadikgadi Pans іп Batswona (right), 
the girls race ta the dinner table for one 


af the lacol delicacies, grilled gazelle. 


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In Chifungulu (abave), aur jungle girls set aff on 
а canoeing expedition on the shallow Zambezi 
River, It con be tricky going—submerged hippos 
tend to surface unexpectedly—but Jami and Karin 
don't seem concerned about being without a pad- 


е. After a day cf adventures that include frolick- N 


ing with elephants and making friends with a lian 
cub, this is definitely the only way ta cool down. 


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Near Son Camp on the Makgadikgadi Pans in Botswana, Jami, Karin and Rachel Jean take 
measure of what is said ta be the largest tree an the continent of Africa. By their calcula- 
tians, the circumference of the trunk is a year's worth of Playmates. In the Matobo Hills іп 
Zimbabwe, Jami (below) goes out for a ride. Meanwhile, back at the tent, Rachel Jeón 
(left) catches up on her reading and Korin (above left) wanders which beads she'll wear. 


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At Camp Amalinda in Zimbabwe, Jami, Karin and Rachel Jean enjoy one of 
Africa's most abundant natural resaurces—sunshine. They do their tanning on the 
rocks with a twist. Karin (right) finds a way ta cool off, while Rachel Jean and Ja- 
mi (below) coal their heels over a midday chess game. Note the beastly forms af 
the pieces; also nate that it will be checkmate for one Playmate in three moves. 


P Zf S£ np, 


Throughout the safari, Jomi (left, top to bottom) shows а natural rapport with creatures big and 
small, but even she is unoble to distract о thirsty elephont. As the sun sets over the trusty Land 
Rover (obove], it's clear that this lovely adventure is nearing its end. While preparing for their 
long journey out of Africo, Karin, Rochel Jean and Jomi toke a break from packing to pose for 
а photo (below). Nobody has to remind our threesome, what's a vacation without pictures? 


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о, you want to go on 
safari? There are hun- 
dreds of online listings 
for travel agencies that 

A T 

packages, with differing degrees 

of comfort, adventure and cost. 

One of the best 15 Classic Safari 

Camps of Africa (classicsafari 

camps.com), which represents 

upscale camps throughout Afri- 
ca. Our trip was set up by Ex- 
plore Inc. in Steamboat Springs, 

Colorado (970-871-0065; ex 

plore@cmn net). Here is the ba- 

sic information you'll need to 
plan a trip. Sorry, you have to 
provide your own Playmates. 
LANGUAGE: English is the offi- 
cial language of Botswana, Zam- 
bia and Zimbabwe, making these 
countries popular destinations. 
LUGGAGE: You'll want to trav- 
el light, with a soft bag weighing 

no more than 25 pounds and a 

small carry-on. Because most sa- 

fari travel is in small aircraft, 
these limits are strictly enforced. 

TRAVEL DOCUMENTS: As with all 
international travel, a valid pass- 
port is required. Visas aren't 
needed for U.S. citizens entering 

Botswana and South Africa, but 

you'll need one to get into Zam- 

bia. Fortunately, you can buy it. 
at the border for $25. Zimbabwe 
charges $30. 

WEATHER AND CLIMATE: The best 
time to visit southern Africa is 


April through October. During 
June and July, temperatures 
range from 45" at night to 75° 
daytimes. In October and No- 
vember, it gets much hotter (95° 
daytimes), but game viewing is at 
its peak in the heat. The African 
sun and dry air can be brutal, so 
bring a good pair of shades, 
some eyedrops, a wide-brimmed 
hat and sunblock. 

APPAREL: Lightweight cotton 
clothing is best for daytime safari 
trips, along with comfortable. 
walking shoes. You'll need а 
sweater or jacket during the ear- 
ly morning and evening, and 
warm bed clothing. Neutral col- 
ors such as tan, khaki and olive 
are less conspicuous to animals. 
In southern Africa, camouflage 
clothing is prohibited. 

ACCOMMODATIONS: Opt for sa- 
fari camps, most of which offer 
the comforts of home, including 
freshly prepared meals, hot wa- 
ter, electricity, laundry services, 
even flushing toilets. If you must. 
use a hair drier or electric ra- 
zor—or need to recharge that vid- 
co battery—be sure to take along 
an appliance adapter that con- 
verts to 220 volts. Activities such 
as horseback riding, game view- 
ing, canoeing and guided tours 
are usually included in the basic 
cost of the travel package. Expect 
to spend anywhere from $200 to 
$400 a night per person. 


ESES FN G F 7 4 


us Fu AN AAMAR ZWAR I WA WTA та 


Chifungulu, an idyllic spot. The sounds 
of Africa аге everywhere—the snorting 
of crocodiles, the muffled yawns of not- 
so-distant lions, the earnest mating of 
hippos on the riverbank. The sounds 
don't go away at night, which is a bit 
unnerving for newly arrived city 
dvellers. We are warned not to leave 
our large oval tents, and that's fine, be- 
cause they're comfortable and we get 
gourmet meals via room service—or is 
it tent service? You place your orders 
on vintage military crank telephones. 
Quaint, but these also are the devices 
you rely on in case of an emergency. 
When daylight arrives, our photo ses- 
sion is postponed by an ill-tempered 
Cape buffalo. On the other hand, there 
are unexpected pleasures, such as the 
outdoor showers. So far, so good. 

“When will we get to see some ele- 
phants?” our Playmates keep asking. 
Jami, Karin and Rachel Jean want 
more Africa, and it's my job to make 
sure they get their wish. They do at our 
next stop, Camp Amalinda, which is a 
hop, skip and a few bumps in a Land 
Rover from Bulawayo, on the south- 
western border of Zimbabwe. Here I 
instruct Richard to capture the natural 
reciprocity of Africa: Playmates wash- 
ing elephants, elephants washing Play- 
mates. Near the campsite, in Matopos 
National Park, Jami befriends an or 
phaned lion cub. Lucky little guy, At 
night, around the campfire, after the 
cameras are put away, ghost stories 
lead to dirty jokes, which lead to the 
women doing stand-up. Hyenas may 
be an easy laugh, but our Playmates 
have the wild dogs howling 

Then it's upward and onward on Air 
Botswana to our final destination, San 
Camp, in the Kalahari region of Bo- 
tswana. There's no jungle here, just an 
astonishing dry desert lake bed that, 
we are told, is the size of Switzerland 
and as old as the earth itself. At the en- 
couragement of our guide Ralph, 
San Camp's director and noted zoolo- 
gist, the Playmates lie low in the mid- 
day heat, imitating the practice of the 
famed Kalahari lions. The women wise- 
ly conserve their energy for a late-after- 
noon expedition into the salt basins on 
four-wheel desert bikes. 

Another fantastic sunset brings great 
photo opportunities around the largest 
tree in Africa. Dinner, as usual, offers 
the finest local cuisine. Jami, Karin and 
Rachel Jean have taken a liking to ga- 
zelle. 1 prefer zebra. Different stripes 
for different types 

In all, it's been two weeks, three Play- 
mates and 15 plane rides—a four-star 
experience. Karin has already re- 
turned to Africa for a second helping of 
safari. If she, or one of the other wom- 
cn, needs some company, I'm ready 
and able. —JIM LARSON 


"This is what the city pays us for, DiAngelo!” 


E сон 


BITE 


6! 


THE NINETIES THREW TOGETHER SLICK 
BANKERS, WILLING BABES AND GREEDY 
BOLSHEVIKS IN A HARTY THAT WAS NEVER 
GOING TO STOA—AN EYELUITNESS TELLS 
THE STORY OF THE LURID MORNING AFTER 


ARTICLE BY MARK AMES 


t wasn’t until I returned to 

Moscow in January—after 

six long weeks in New 

York City—that I noticed 

the new and dramatic 
symptoms of the Russian financial 
crisis. I flew in on a Saturday af- 
ternoon on a flight that normally 
would have been packed with for- 
eigners and Russians returning 
from the holidays. Instead, my 
Delta flight, which cost half what 
it did a year ago, was so empty I 
was able to stretch out in the mid- 
dle three seats. 

When I arrived at Sheremetye- 
vo-2 Airport, I waited a mere ten 
minutes at passport control. Until 
last fall, the congested, chaotic 
passport line was always ready to 
explode into middle-aged, brief- 
case-jabbing violence. Entre- 
preneurs, swindlers, lawyers, 
perverts, fly-by-night salesmen, 
multinational reps—they would 
pour out of the airplanes every 
day, power-walk down the drab 
hallway and gather at the top of 
a wide stairwell, where a mob 
of passengers from four other 
flights stood waiting, entrenched. 
You saw the greed boiling over in 
their determined expressions and 
twitching mouths. The Western- 
ers were landing in increasing 
numbers to tap their share of Rus- 
sia's easy riches, as well as its fa- 
mously easy bitches. As the fren- 
zy picked up steam. each of them 
felt that every second lost was an 


opportunity lost, that the man 
who cut in line in front of him 
might be the man who scooped 
him in securing a regional bond 
issue, or who nabbed the gazelle- 
legged brunette from one of the 
gentlemen's clubs in downtown 
Moscow. In such a state of mind, 
even the most avuncular-looking 
travelers tend to lose their cool. 
They would start jostling wildly 
to keep their rightful places in an 
undemarcated line, unsuccessful- 
ly fending off such seasoned line- 
pinchers as the Russian, Indian 
and Chinese traders who crowded 
in with them. On really crowded 
days, a balding, bespectacled Eu- 
ropean might suddenly transform 
himself into a soccer hooligan, 
shouting, shoving and threaten- 
ing. All because Russia was the 
biggest story, the easiest buck 
and the most seductive ride of 
the decade. 

Not anymore. Nowadays, no 
one comes to Russia. It doesn't 
even register a blip on the global- 
economy screen. By defaulting 
on its debts. which Russia seems 
to be doing (no country ever has 
defaulted on both its external and 
domestic debts), Russia is assured 
of being fucked solid for at least 
another five vears, maybe more. 
The Westerners have packed for 
good. Many lost everything they 
had made. All that remains is 
a bittersweet memory, a stained 
résumé (continued on page 172) 


ILLUSTRATION BY TIM O'BRIEN 


GREAT MOMENTS ІМ 


The Onion” will make you cry—with laughter. A growing legion of fans have become addicted 
to the painfully funny headlines and articles that appear in “America’s finest news source” and 
premiere humor weekly. Now, Crown has published “Our Dumb Century.” а compendium of 
historic "Onion" front pages that, before this year, never existed. While preparing their book, the 
editors of “The Onion” agreed to share some of their coverage of ғ. хуво from the past 45 years. 


PLAYBOY 


HISTORY 


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CHICAGO, HL — Playboy. a jazz played in the Dal 


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that details all the aspects fine wine and smooth 4 
educated-bachelor 


| Басу. December 18, 1953_ 


to Featu re 


| town 
{ of today’s 
lifestyle. arrived at newsstands 
Í this week. Described as “enter- phrase in the finest 
| by editor/ rary fiction being} 
today 
“Не is also,” Hefi 
man who appreciated 
a robust pair of glist 
tits | 
Initial reaction to! 
tion has been mixed 
to readers’ indifferd 
modern articles J 
home furnishings} 
sories and hi-fi 4 
and their overpowé 
view photographs 
protruding, naked] 
Hefner remains Ë 
in time. his ven) 
into an unqualifl 


able of savoring 4 
subtleties and defi 


tainment for men 
publisher Hugh M. Hefner, the 
glossy periodical will feature up- 
to-the-minute, ultra-modern 
articles on fashion. home fur- 
nishings, golf accessories and hi- 
fi sound s: as well as 


tems. 


important relati 

greatest writers | 

Чоо, б 

publishe 

and non-fiction] 
“1 also forese 
mansions across 


"Playboy" founder Hugh Hefner. 


informative pieces on the arts through which 1 will 


Among the literary 


appearing in Playboy Wi roun 


its at all times. 


ill be 


| such important contemporary ti 
4 writers as John Updike. Norman Hefner explained that Рі 
essayist boys next issue will featur 


Mailer and noted 
‘Truman Capote 
Hefner also str 
| magazine will feature 
| photographs of naked tits author 
“What kind of а man reads “And 
asked Hefner reclin- emphasize t 


essed that the nalist Terry 


he said. 


| Playboy" 
| ing on a crushed-velvet divan in There will 
his Chicago high-rise suite, tographs of eno 


| swirling a brandy snifter as light tit 


| Nation Captivated by 


Why Aren't Our Nation's 
Denouncing Hugh Hefne 


Mary Robbins, Onion reader 


While brows- | the pictures 

ing the period- | however, 
icals rack of | man’s re 

| man's. s 

кесген reaction: Instead of 

and-dime | tures’ lewdness and depravi. 

20 ty, throwing down the maga- 

zine in a fit of rage and 


themselves, 


+ | enjoying the photos. In fact, 


Purchase the magazine and 
bring it home, where, pre- 
SUmably, he will study the 
Photos in greater detail, 


CERCARE CR 
Oa these Pages was a 
Shocking array of young,| Wh: 
shosking scr ara M 
Bude womanhood, trom | American man ia our coos, 
shirtles brunetes playing | producing that aga Sa 
M AS О wholly ing upon the fi mcr 
iothed redheads shame. | women? WI ae 
lessly cavorting about a pub- oe 
lic park's picnio-table area. In 
anere таза тен са 
log of the sort of girls one 
would not want to marry. : 


Even more shocking than 


Young Men 
r? 


Are our men not frightened 


cussed and celebrated? 
By purchasing this licen- 
tious magazine, men are, in 
Saying thal 

believe sex is г =, 
of life, not a disgusting act 
that is best shrouded in mys- 
tery and fear. By purchasing 
this magazine. they are say. 
ing that the human body is 
to be enjoyed rather than 
cloaked in shame. 


1 stride. el 


talents only in garish silk pajamas, % 


ded by beautiful bound 


article by noted critic and if CONTINUES ТО WIDEN 
Southern, as wi 
full-color a new work by award- 
ohn Cheever 
1 cannot over- 
his particular point: 
also be color рһо- 
mous naked 


REPORT: 


A HUGH HEFNER 
SEX-PARTNER AGE GAP 


see page 3 


id 


Interview Not Long Enough, 


eenage Boys Picket 
Playboy Magazine 


They Say 


TITS jPlayboy Mansion 


JFK Appoints 1 8 
Hugh cor u.s. | Damaged іп Lovequake f 


Secretary of Toil 


FR Norman 
Hef Sworn in at Bedside Ceremony м il 
Special Presidential-Seal Pajamas Issued aner 
: Unharmed 


Sinatra, Giancana No Longer in Charge a 
of Presidential Bimbo Allocation 


BE л. оссе LOS ANGELES, CA—A love- 
= quake measuring 7.4 on the The Playboy mansion in | 1 
Ele ааваа Hefner scale ripped through the Los Angeles. 
ctress Marilyn Playboy Mansion Monday 
1 evening, leveling the building the Playboy Mansion, having 
and leaving its occupants shak- registered on georgasmographic 
en, spent, and otherwise inca- equipment as far away as At- || 
pacitated. lantic City and Monaco, experts 
“I'm not really sure how I sur- report that it is by no means the 
vived,” said author and fre- first. "The mansion is located | 
quent mansion guest Norman on Southern California's Sans 
хода” observed Heiner, т Mailer, who was near the love- Culottes fault, at the frictive 
Giscretionary-broad powers in | quake's ejacucenter when he point of North America's two 
an efficient and pano’ cac] felt the first faint tremors. “The largest sextonic plates,” said 
lary at the White House the dos | guests and I were enjoying the Hal Padgett, head of Playboy's 
me eee ed beauty center wha enormous round fur-trimmed  geoerotic sciences department. 
deus та ae hab) Ded in the west wing when, sud- “When the powerful sociosexu- 
ery. We must be ever visi] denly, I felt the earth move. а! forces of sophisticated enter- 
Then everyone was grabbing at tainment and sensual pleasure 
one another, gasping and collide, as they often do on the 
Screaming as wave after wave mansion’s grounds - d 
of sensual force built to a fever- y Vows to Spen 
d e ish convulsing contracti; ce 
Hef Unveils '72 Fashion: 75, shook the mansion to Bed for Pea 
š e rery core. I was lucky to esca] 
Silk Pajamas, Pipe vith nothing more than a seri 
Ao A лес f deep fingernail scratches о 
my back.” Mailer is being treat: 
ed at Playboy’s nearby Merc; 
God Oh God Oh God Ye: 
General Hospital for mild shock 
and cognac inhalation. 
N Although this is by far the 
FINEST NEWS soy most serious lovequake to rock 


Playboy publisher Hugh 
Hefner's excellent laste. wide 


appointed Hefner to the newly 
created cabinet post of Secreta 


asked the nation during his tel 


President Kennedy 
vised announcement from his | 9 


lear and pre: 
Kennedy or the nation 
"Potential Playmates are alif 
around the leader of the free | 
world." observed Hefner, who) 


and acquisiti 
name of the game is fun. In 
is Mr. Hugh Hefner. 


is victory over Richard 
1 last November. seemed oroiected upon more than an 


M^ 


5 Expected to 
heast Asia 


4? Mtech T. 


COCE 
Hugh Hefner Joins Mile-High Club Several Hu 


Also Joins 1/2-, 1/4. | \ ERO 
М 16-Mile-High Clubs | f 1 


ndred Times x^ 


"Big Bunny’ Soars Into 
Aviation Record Books 


1.05 ANGELES—Playboy | 
publisher Hugh Hefner made 
aviation history last week when 
he qualified for membership in 
the “Mile High Club" 325 sepa- 
rate times, Federal Aviation 
Administration sources said. 

“We are proud to certify 
Hefner as having achieved suc- 
cessful and satisfactory sexual 
congress while at the altitude of 
one mile,” read the certificate of 
qualification signed by FAA 
Chief John Shaffer, Playboy | The 
“Big Bunny” custom-airliner 
pilot Arthur Mitchell, and over takeoff and landing clubs, the remarkable because the 

300 female witnesses. sitting-on-the-runway club, the Bunny,” Hefners private 


“Тп addition,” the certificate limo-to-the-airport club, and waterbed H р ` 
ef “Getting 


continued, “Mr. Hefner has suc- the Quring-the-sofety-presente- equipped 
Bored’ А 
of Or: 
POLE ZONES gi 


Big Bunny" 


cessfully gained admittance to tion club.” er, was ñ 
the 1/2-mile, 1/4-mile, and 1/16-| FAA officials said Hefner's | for the 


mile-high clubs, as well as the | accomplishment is especially | endure! 


Hef Unveils '78 Fashion: Silk Pajamas, Pipe 
Special Prosecutor: ‘Carter May 
Have Lusted in His Heart’ 


ЖА E 
Hugh Hefner 


WASHIN( 
Milhous enl 
рата Nixon, the Баз | a 
P lent, announced his pura 


n a surprise ani incement 
nounceme! 
da 5 
Friday. President Clinton said 
he has never engaged in sexu- 


rse. : 
a White House press 
ur 


d 
ference, the E 
2 lashed out 22 
рг orter from. Playbo: Dn 
2d going to say T a 
e very carefully- ae 
2% sexual relations w 
ve j R 
anyone Tam a TEE in 
reporter е 
со to respond to alleg 
P 


pierce our d 
McGuinnes, 
Playboy o 
cerned th 
button rin] 
the PR 
the staple. 


‘It Worked for 
Sports Illustrated... 
I Just Don't Get It,’ 
Says Editor 


is baffling 
Publishing 


In an outcome. that 
experts. 


Some of the 
Poorest sales in the magazines: 
40-year history. 


COpies, and 
already returnin 


Illustrated theme. 
Said Playboy CEO: Christie 
Hefner, "The conventional 


lagazine world 
15 that swimsuits sell. But for 
Some reason, they seemed 
almost like the kiss of death 


Makes Its Debut 


Can An All-Naked-Women 
с > 
Website Succeed? 


15 expected to 10 
the ill-fated issue 


determine why th 


Hef Eni 286 Fashion: 
Silk Pajamas, Pipe 


retailers 


IE crates of the 
issues to distributors. Playboy 


е millions on 


Insiders have been unable to 


seemingly 
Sure-fire issue fizzled on the 


ffair 
had had an a 
ae ae House intern 
wit] 2 ; 
i sky 5 
Lene Ыы ae what it i: vus 
Dus n," Clin 
i Һ a woman, 3 
= d uu is a very big Se 
have not felt ee = 
un to take that step 
ч сыч 
ту Ше.” | = 
sident a EE 
= = day en 
£ ә 3 X 
lem with his E is 
ih i their daughter C 
tha 


adopted. 


ded that he 


news 
are th 
zine 
said 
an 


tands. “Swimsuit issues 
© hottest thing in maga 
publishing right now. 
a spokesman for Foto, 
industry — magazine 
y's doing them. This 
Simply doesn't make sense.” 
Тһе swimsuit issue featured 
all its models clothed in a wide 


variety colorful 


to be in Playboy. 
Very excited for me. 
was 


they were 
Му agent 
especially happy. But 
When Isaid [ was going to be in 
the Playboy swimsuit issue. 
everybody seemed disappoint. 
edi It was almost as if they 
Weren't interested in bathing 
Suits at all.” 


are 


enowned 
istianson 
nad With Sports illustrated’: Almon g 
T've Fi the 550 Women | annual swimsuit issue tanked for us," Tammy Hildebrant, one of 7 
Want to Spend the Rest of My Life With among the best-selling maga- Hefner, expecting brisk sales the models in the issue, issi ff 
eu in the world, most insid- for the San Poroved alptint ian c nfused by the poor ән 
229 believedil tap. Playboy) singe 15 million. But after one. sales /hen I first started 
Epa already known for its attrac- week on newsstands, the mag- telling people that I wag Boing =" 
Online tive models, would set new azine has sold fewer than 5.000 
Playboy records borrowing the Sports 


e 
£ 


OSHUA 


THE HOT JAZZ 
SAXOPHONIST 

FINDS HIS GROOVE IN 
CLOTHES THAT ARE 


FLUID AND SHARP 


oshua Redman has the best 
underwear in jazz. He was 
recently quoted as saying 
that he had just picked up 
three pairs of black Calvin 
Klein boxers but should 
have bought 20. On his 30th 
birthday his manager pre- 
sented him with 17 more pairs. Redman 
deserves that and more. Thanks to eight 
great CDs, he is the most popular jazz- 
man since Wynton Marsalis. “If you're 
open to what's around you," he says, 
"your music will be relevant." His latest 
CD, Timeless Tales (for Changing Times), 
knocks down barriers between different 
types of music—Gershwin and Dylan, 
say. He can make any song his own. It's 
the same with clothes. *I choose clothes 
to express myself, but music is my main 
interest,” he says. “Jazz is modern, cur- 
rent and also classical. That's my taste 
in clothing—modern, casual and ele- 
gant." Catch him when he headlines the 
Playboy Jazz Fest on June 2. 


“1 like lots of color in art, but in clothes 
it needs to be used tastefully," says Red- 
man, who admits you don't have to look 
good to play jazz. “One colorful piece is 

all you need, like the gray suit with the 

bright yellow shirt." He's referring to 
the wool Calvin Klein number at right 
(51695). The Patrick Cox shirt (5179) sets 
up the Calvin Klein tie ($90) nicely. The 
belt is by New York Industrie ($90). 
STYLING BY ANTONIO BRANCO FOR TRIUSE INC- 


GROOMING BY VERNON ROSS 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 171 


REDMAN 


> 


коолк PXP во 


KODAK PXP сов? 


Корак рхр воет 


Pacing is important in 
a jazz set and in a 
wordrobe. At left, 
Redman relaxes in a 
leather jacket (52240) 
and cotton T-shirt 
($95) by Trussardi. 
Below, he models a 
rayon suit by Thierry 
Mugler ($1200) cnd a 
cotton shirt by Helmut 
Lang (5165). "The 
Mugler suit is a per- 
fect fit. | wouldn't 
have tried it on off 
the rack, but it looks 
ard feels great on.” 


t 


en 


en 


94 


PLAYBOY’ 


ШЕ 
BASEBALL 
PREVIEW 


last season the yankees dominated, and the little guys won't 
dethrone them soon. in the new era of superteams, george, ted 


and—yes—tupert get all the good players. who said life is fair? 


sk any fan—diehard or 
casual, Dominican or Canadian—and he'll tell you: 
Baseball is back. Thanks to the supra-Ruthian feats of 
Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, hardball has re- 
gained a place in our hearts. Of course, the Yankees 
helped too. After starting out 1-4, the Bronx Bombers 
went on to win 114 regular-season games en route to 
their 24th World Series title. Some will say the 1998 
Yankees were the greatest team ever to play the game. 

Two sluggers surprised us with their dignity. Mc- 
Gwire finally had the year we had been waiting for. It 
was only the fourth time in 13 seasons that he played in 
more than 154 games. A great low-ball hitter in a low- 
ball league, Big Mac hit more homers (70) than singles 
(61) іп 1908. Sammy Sosa broke Ruth's record on the 
strength of an amazing June, when he hit 20 homers 
(while walking only six times). Sammy, a good bad-ball 
hitter, hit 25 homers when he had two strikes on him. 

This is an extraordinary era for talent. We have Al- 
bert Belle—the only player in the majors to hit 50 
doubles and 50 homers in the same season. He had an 
awesome second half (387, 31 HRs, 86 RBI, .816 slug- 
ging percentage) with the White Sox. And Greg Mad- 
dux (2.75), who approaches Cy Young (2.63) in life- 
time earned run average. And Tony Gwynn, who may 
be the best hitter ever. Watch him get his 3000th hit 
around Memorial Day. 

Entering the 1999 season, we approach the game 
with a new sense of wonder: How could the Yankees 
not do it again? What will McGwire and Sosa do? How 
will Nomar Garciaparra do without Mo Vaughn? 

Baseball is back. Last усаг was fun, but the game's 


sports By Leopold Froehlich and George Hodak 


ILLUSTRATION BY DANIEL TORRES 


PLAYBOY 


96 


foundation is more suspect than a Mel 
Rojas fastball. The game has entered a 
new era, where superclubs (such as the 
Dodgers) compete against high-rev- 
enue clubs (such as the Orioles) to the 
exclusion of everyone else. Low-rev- 
enue teams are doomed to a lifetime of 
losses. Hope doesn't spring eternal for 
Royals fans. 

Look more closely, and 1998 may 
not be such a dream season. When 
baseball got in a jam after the Black 
Sox scandal in 1919, Babe Ruth bailed 
the game out with his home runs. After 
baseball's strike left a lot of people fed 
up, the homer again saved the day. But 


home runs serve to distort the game. 
The home-run race may be little more 
than a slam-dunk contest. “The more 
home runs get hit, the less each one is 
worth,” notes Whitey Herzog in his 
new book You're Missin’ а Great Game. 
“But the more home runs somebody 
hits, the more you have to pay him.” 
Situational hitting (or pitching, for that 
matter) is on its way out. Hitters strike 
out at a furious pace, thinking, no 
doubt, of the dollars that attend home 
runs. And homers don't always trans- 
late into victories. Of the top-20 home 
run-hitting teams of all time. only the 
1961 Yankees won a World Series. 


Playbo 


s Picks 


AL EAST 


Yankees 
Blue Jays 
Orioles 
Red Sox 
Devil Rays 


NL EAST 


Braves 
Mets 
Phillies 
Expos 
Marlins 


AL CENTRAL 


Indians 
Tigers 
White Sox 
Twins 
Royals 


NL CENTRAL 


Astros 
Cardinals 
Cubs 
Reds 
Brewers 
Pirates 


AL WEST 


Angels 
Rangers 
Mariners 
Athletics 


NL WEST 


Dodgers 
Rockies 
Giants 
Diamondbacks 
Padres 


AL Wild Card: Blue Jays 
AL Champs: Yankees 


NL Wild Card: 
NL Champs: 


World Champs: Yankees 


Cardinals 
Braves 


Brick and steel continues to be as im- 
portant as bat and ball. By next year, 
more than half the ballparks in the ma- 
jors will have been built after 1 
This will be the last season for five sta- 
diums. But the great loss will be Ti- 
ger Stadium, which opened in 1912. 
On September 27, with Hall of Famer 
Ernie Harwell calling the final game, 
the Tigers will close the home of Cobb, 
Kaline, Gehringer and Fidrych. When 
Tiger Stadium is gone, Dodger Stadi- 
um—built іп 1962—will be baseball's 
fourth-oldest park. When Fenway Park 
closes in five years, Wrigley Field and 
Yankee Stadium will be the majors’ on- 
ly prewar stadiums. 

For 1999 we foresee more business 
as usual. The Yankees are headed for 
another championship. Atlanta's pitch- 
ing, while not as invincible as it once 
was, is still tough to beat. But, without 
Andres Galarraga—their most potent 
bat—the Braves’ hitting will be weaker 
this 

With Mo Vaughn, the Angels should 
be good enough to get past Texas. The 
Indians, of course, vill win the Central. 
The Dodgers had better win after Mr. 
Murdoch spent all that dough. And the 
Astros should repeat in their division. 
Our bets for wild-card teams are the 
Blue Jays (they won as many games as 
the Rangers last year) and the Cards. 

For Cinderellas, consider the Tigers 
and the Phillies. Watch for signs of 
life from Oakland. Look for someone— 
Albert Belle? Ken Griffey? Manny Ra- 
mirez?—to challenge Babe again this 
year. AL MVP? We'll go out on a limb 
and say Ken Griffey Jr. Inthe NL, how 
about Mark McGwire? 


AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST 


The Yankees ended their dream sea- 
son in resounding fashion, finishing at 
125-50 and making the Padres look 
like pretenders. How did they do it? 
George Steinbrenner stopped buying 
overrated free agents. People say New 
York doesn't have any superstars, but 
Bernie Williams (.339, 26 HRs, 97 
RBI) and Derek Jeter (.324, 19 HRs, 
30 SBs) look good to us. The Yankees 
won by playing smart ball: They were 
second-best in the majors in taking 
3.84 pitches per plate appearance. 
They were third in the bigs in walks 
and hit 300 with runners in scoring 
position. The Yankees scored 345 more 
runs than the Devil Rays. We could go 
on, but that’s just the offense. From 
one through ten, the Yankees have one 
of the best staffs in the majors. They 
led the AL in pitching with a 3.82 
ERA, giving up 275 fewer runs than 
the White Sox. The Yankees hurled 16 
shutouts. And, just for fun, the team 

(continued on page 128) 


“Decision time, Harry. The repo man wants me от he wants the boat.” 


s Tishara Lee Cousi- 

no strides through the 

Terrazza, a snazzy ris- 
torante in Caesars Palace, heads 
turn as fast as oranges on a slot 
machine. Only she doesn't рег 
it. "I see so many pretty girls in 
Las Vegas," protests the Vegas 
native, as if to say. What's one 
more? “It’s just like Los Ange- 
les—they re everywhere.” And 
if not in the flesh, then on the 
billboards that feature gigan- 
tic, nearly nude showgirls. A 
year ago, Tishara was a secre- 
tary with a lifetime of dance 
classes behind her. Then came 
a providenual trip to Los An- 
geles and the rravBov photo 
studios, and, ever since, the 
leggy beauty has been mod- 
eling and pursuing studies 
in alternative medicine. With 
two canine roomies—a sheltie, 
Orion, and a collie, Goldie— 
she recently moved from her 
mother's house into her own 
apartment. Miss May attends 


miss гпау is a las vegas winner 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
ARNY FREYTAG 


several dance classes every 
week but says she has given up 
on an early dream to become a 
dancer in Splash, the Riviera 
Hotel's long-running topless 
dance revue, a show she first 
saw when she was 17. 

Q: Wait a minute—you saw a 
topless show at 17? What ex- 
actly was it like to grow up in 
Las Vegas? 

A: Actually, I went to a pri- 
vate Lutheran school that em- 
phasized Christian spirituality. 
I was a sports fanatic—basket- 
ball, especially—and a cheer- 
leader, and I hung out with 
a huge group of girls. Some 
kids hung out on the Strip, 
but we didn’t. In high school 
everyone would congregate 
at Wendy's on Friday nights. 


Yogo, fosting and massage are all 
ports of Tishora’s health regimen. 
"At one time | was a vegetorion, 
but that didn’t work well. Now 
1 eat whatever 1 wont,” she says. 


Then we would drive far into 
the desert and make a campfire. 
Someone would turn on a car 
radio. We'd just sit in the desert 
and drink. And that was fun! 

Q: What do you do for fun 
now? 

А: Dance, definitely! 

О: Are you looking for love or 
one of its substitutes? 

‘A: Part of me wants to find my 
soul mate and fall in love. An- 
other part just wants to—wow!— 
I want to date. I want to date 
different men and experience 
new things. I’m really torn. I 
guess I want that perfect story. I 
want to be in love. I want to be 
successful. I want it all. 

Q: What do your friends say 
about you? 

A: That I can be secretive. T 
haven't told anyone about being 
a Playmate—except my mom. 

Q: How did your mother 


Valley af Fire State Pork (pictured here) takes its name fram its 
sandstane's red-hat colars: vermilion, scarlet and mauve 
Tishara got her name when her mother "couldn't decide be- 
tween Tara ar Tish. Being creative, she came up with Tisharo." 


react to the news? 
һе told me, “Go 
for it 

Q: Do you have any 
rules to live by 

A: Do it now—life is 
short. As far as a per- 

опа! philosophy goes: 

о matter how old you 
get, you're still a child, 
you are still learning. 

ly into Deepak 
Chopra and the mind- 
body connection. I read 
a lot about herbs, nutri- 
tion and bodywork. 

Q: How did you get 
into that? 

A: A friend of mine 
got sick, so I started 
reading everything I 
could find about natur- 
al cures. Eventually my 
friend recovered, and 1 
had found a passion. 
Suddenly I wanted to 
be a naturopathic doc- 
tor. Now I'm apprentic- 
ing with an accredited 
naturopath. It's a little 
bit like going to medical 
school 

Q: How did a future 
naturopath become a 
Playmate? 

A: A pal invited me to 
LA. We went shopping 
and stopped in the 
Guess store off Rodeo 
Drive. Paul Ma ano in- 
troduced himself and 
asked if I'd ever mod- 
eled. I told him I want- 
ed to model for PLAYBOY. 
He knew the right peo 
ple, and a week later 
1 was doing a Playmate 
test. 1 cried when the 
limousine came to pick 
me up. I was touched 
that something so beau- 
tiful could happen to 
me. To this day 1 don't 
believe this is happen- 
ing. Jesus loves me 
The universe adores me 
completely. I'm 20 years 
old, and I'm thinking, 
This is a major event in 
a girl's life. 


“I'm five women іп one. 
One minute I’m notural. 
The next, it's "Where ore 
my lipstick ond my high 
heels?" Basically, though, 
Um down-to-earth. 1 con 
be deep, or be a bum oll 
day ond be comfortable.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


ws. hera lee Содоо 0 
көт Olo mars: Al ние. BA 
xum. Б WEIGHT: 190 


BIRTH pare: lo" lo” NR BIRTHPLACE: Laa Depas, Nevada _ _ 
AMBITIONS ‚Io see oa Sac T can ср 06 А model aca _ 


KORA Wail 


TURN-ONS: 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Three rednecks were talking at work. “I think 
my wife is having an affair with the electri- 
cian,” the first said. “The other day I came 
home and found wire cutters under our bed 
and they weren't mine." 

“I think my wife is having an affair with the 
plumber,” the second sighed. “Тһе other day 1 
found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't 
mine." 

“I think my wife is having an affair with a 
Were eaa darc rero uras ee 
him in disbelief. "No, I'm serious,” he insisted. 
“The other day I came home and found a jock- 
ey under our bed." 


А vagabond, exhausted and famished, came 
to an English roadside inn called George and 
the Dragon. He knocked. A woman stuck her 
head out the window. 

“Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked. 

The woman glanced at his dirty clothing. 
“No,” she shouted. “Go away!” 

“Could I have a pint of ale, then?" 

“Begone!” she shouted. 

“Could I at least use your privy?” the man 
pleaded. 

“No!” she shouted again. 

“Might I please —" 

“What now?” the woman screeched. 

“D'ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have 
a word with George?” 


What do a Dirt Devil and Viagra have in com- 
mon? They both put the power of an upright 
in the palm of your hand. 


Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a 
man driving erratically through the streets of 
Dublin. He pulled the driver over and asked 
him if he had been drinking. “Aye, so I have. 
"Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads 
stopped by the pub, where I had six or seven 
pints. And then there was something called 
happy hour and they served these margaritas, 
which are quite good. I had four or five of 
those. Then,” he continued, “I had to drive me 
friend Mike home, and of course I had to go in 
for a couple of pints of Guinness—couldn't be 
rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way 
home to get another bottle for later.” The man 
fumbled around in his coat until he found 
his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for 
inspection. 

"Sir," the officer said, "I'm afraid ГЇЇ need 
you to step out of the car and take a Breatha- 
lyzer test." 

“Why?” the indignant man said. "Don't ye 
believe me?" 


Tus MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: A 
young couple on the brink of divorce visited a 
marriage counselor. The counselor asked the 
wife about the problem. “My husband suffers 
from premature ejaculation,” she said. 

“Is that true?” the counselor asked, turning 
to the husband. 

“Well, not exactly,” he replied. "She's the 
one who suffers, not me.” 


Ап elderly rabbi was walking along when a 
gust of wind blew his hat down the street. А. 
young man ran after it and returned it to the 
old man. “Thank you yery much,” the rabbi 
said. “Мау God bless you.” 

I've been blessed by a rabbi, the young man 
thought. This must be my lucky day! He head- 
ed directly to the racetrack. In the first race he 
noticed a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He 
bet $50 and the horse won. In the second race 
he saw a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1. He bet 
it all and won again. 

At the end of the day he returned home to 
his wife, who asked where he'd been. He ex- 
[шей how he'd caught the rabbi’s hat, was 

lessed by him, went to the track and started 
winning on horses named after hats. 

“So where's the money?" she asked. 

“I lost it all in the ninth race," he explained. 
“T bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost." 

“You fool!” the wife screamed. “Chateau is a 
house—chapeau is a hat 

“It doesn't matter,” he said, “The winner was 
some Japanese horse named Yarmulke.” 


fu 


í Nini 


Р. лувоү cuassıc: Eighty-year-old Bessie burst 
into the men’s recreation room at the retire- 
ment home and announced, “Anyone who can 
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me 
tonight!” 

"An elephant?" a man responded facetiously. 

Bessie looked him over for a moment, then 
nodded. "Close enough." 


In an effort to inspire efficiency, a store man- 
ager had placed a sign directly above the men’s- 
room sink. It had a single word on it: THINK! 

The next day someone had carefully let- 
tered another sign just above the soap dispens- 
er that read, THOAP! 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Get ready, girls—here comes the Viagra gang!” 


E 


Mower" 


THE SHADOW TREES `` 


they wore heavy boots and camouflage, 


carried assault weapons and called themselves 


militia. why didn’t that make me feel secure? 


4 L4 


xy 


pu 


*m/not sure what brought 
me to fhe window at that 
particular time on that par- 
ficular evening. On а cool 
October dusk, I wandered to the 
liviag room window of my big 
old Maine farmhouse and looked 
out to the field that led down to 
the Morneau River. There, by a 
line of trees, was a group of men. 

I immediately stepped aside, 
so that I wasn't silhouetted in the 
window. Except for a small light 
by my reading chair and the flick- 
er from the fireplace, the room 
was dark. From the bookshelf, I 
took down a pair of 7x50 binocu- 
lars and brought them up te-my 
face, then into focus. 

This group of men wore cam- 
ouflage gear. And all of them 
were armed. 

I considered turning off the 
light and dousing the fire, but 
decided to leave everything 
alone. No need to court atten- 
tion. I moved the binoculars 
back and forth. Five men stood in 


fiction By BRENDAN DUBOIS 


a-loose circle, talking and smil- 
ing. They wore heavy boots, cafn- 
ouflage pants and jackets and 
small knapsacks, and what looked 
like high-power oxjassault rifles 
hung from their shoulders: 

Hunters. Гуе always been 
amused at the sight of grown 
men blasting at dumb animals 
with weapons that have enough 
firepower to punch a hole 
through a cement wall. Though I 
have nothing against heavy fire- 
power. So. Hunters in Maine. 
Nothing out of the ordinary. 

They sure didn’t look like 
hunters. 

What I do know about hunting 
animals is that in the woods, 
blaze orange is the preferred col- 
or, to protect oneself from the in- 
coming fire of fellow sportsmen. 
No one in this group wore or- 
ange. Also, I was pretty sure deer 
season hadn't started. 

Another scan of the binoculars. 
More laughter from the men. 
Patches of some sort, military 


PAINTING "KENT WILLIAMS, 


PLAYBOY 


114 


emblems, were stitched on the sleeves 
of their jackets. 

National Guard on maneuvers? 

1 looked again and found some dif- 
ferences in their military clothing. 
They weren't identical. Not uniform. 

Not hunters, and not guardsmen. 1 
thought for a moment, and when 1 
brought the binoculars back up to my 
face, they were gone. 


1 pulled on a thick green down jack- 
et and went outside, carrying a flash- 
light. The air was crisp and tecth- 
achingly cold, and my boots made 
crunching sounds in the dead leaves as 
1 walked to the treeline. A crescent 
moon had risen, sickle-white sharp 
against the dusk sky. Near where the 
men had stood were shadow trees on 
the frozen ground, and I waited, 
breathing easy, seeing tiny puffs of 
steam go out into the cold air. With the 
flashlight I saw where boots had dis- 
turbed the leaves. 

"Two cigarette butts had been tossed 
down, and I felt a faint flush of anger at 
whoever had trashed my property. I 
put the butts in my coat pocket and 
switched off the flashlight. Standing 
motionless, looking at the light in the 
windows of my house, I shivered. The 
house stood alone, far from any neigh- 
bors, too far for а sound to carry. 

I trudged back home and, cautious 
man that I am, locked every door and 
window before I went to bed. 


Some time ago I gave up watching 
television, but I still like to know what's 
going on. 1 frequently listen to a short- 
wave radio in bed, earphones clamped 
softly about my ears, scanning through 
the crackly ether. Usually the droning 
sound of announcers from far-off cities 
and countries puts me to sleep, but not 
this night. This had been a sour year 
with sour news, and this evening fea- 
tured missiles flashing across the desert 
again and gasoline prices going up. 
There was а truckers’ strike. And some- 
thing called slamming was in fashion 
among youth gangs, which involved 
going armed into crowded malls and 
trying to ес how many civilians one 
could take out in 60 seconds. 

After a while I turned off the radio 
and got out of bed to get a drink of wa- 
ter from the upstairs bathroom. I kept 
thinking about the armed men on my 
land. They weren't hunters and they 
weren't military. And apparently they 
weren't out to get me for my past sins 
either. Men out to get me would not 
be so blatant, so sloppy. Who were they? 

Back in the bedroom I looked over 
the field. The moon had come up even 
higher, sharpening the shadows of the 


trees. Something moved through the 
trees. It looked like a dog, but the tail 
was too bushy. It was probably a fox or 
a coyote or even a damn wolf, strolling 
through my yard like everybody else. 


My previous life included foreign 
travel and strange locales, and while I 
have adjusted to “retirement,” I am 
never entirely comfortable. I tend to be 
on edge, always waiting for a slamming 
door or а sharp report. But I am more 
relaxed than I was, and І even have a 
few routines. One of them is a quick 
breakfast at Bridger's Grill in town and 
then a walk over to the Pinette General 
Store, where 1 have a second cup of 
coffee and read the Portland Press Her- 
ald and ogle Miriam Woods, the store 
owner, who is also the postmistress and 
one of the three selectmen in town. 

The store is in a building that's older 
than most states, and while you buy 
your lottery ticket and a doughnut to 
go you can also get a fishing license and 
pick up your mail. Miriam is a reliable 
intelligence source, the best I’ve ever 
known. She came over today and re- 
freshed my mug and said, “No mail to- 
day, Owen. Sorry.” 

“That's just fine,” I said, smiling up 
at her. She has brown hair and brown 
eyes and, even in jeans and a patched 
sweatshirt, she looks wonderful. We 
talked a bit about the weather and the 
upcoming Halloween festival at the 
town hall, and when the two other cus- 
tomers in the store finally wandered 
out I motioned her closer. 

“I have a question,” I said. 

“Sunday night,” she said. “Um tak- 
ing Eric to a basketball game Saturday. 

"Aren't we presumptuous,” I said. 
“Maybe I have something else to ask." 

"Maybe you do," Miriam said. “Со 
ahead." 

I glanced around the empty store. 
“Something odd happened last night 
1 saw some men down by the river on 
my land. They wore camo gear, with 
weapons, and they didn’t look like 
hunters. Do you have any idea who 
they might be?” 

“I might,” she said. 

“Who are they?” 

She looked up at the wall clock. “Tell 
you what. You lend me yourself and 
your pickup truck for 15 minutes, and 
ГІ tell you everything you need to 
know.” 

“What's more important in this deal, 
the truck or me?" 

Miriam gently slapped my hand with 
the towel. "Don't make me choose.” 


It actually took about 30 minutes, 
and started with my backing the truck 
up to the rear of the store, where we 


loaded cardboard boxes of canned 
food and paper goods into the rear. 
When we were done, she climbed into 
the front seat and said, “Drive on, big 
boy, and shortly all will be revealed.” 

We drove for about 15 minutes, clear 
to the other side of town, near the bor- 
der of Cardiff. We didn't leave the town 
proper, which was just as well, because 
Ilived in Pinette under certain аг- 
rangements that stipulated that I never 
leave its boundaries without permis- 
sion, something I didn't care to explain 
to Miriam at present. 

In this part of town, a small jumble 
of stores and homes stood near the old 
B&M railroad tracks, and Miriam di- 
rected me to park in front of a small 
brick building with a large window 
opening onto the sidewalk. FERNALD'S 
DRUGSTORE was carved in the granite 
over the window, but a handmade 
cardboard sign in the window said com- 
MUNITY ACTION NETWORK FOOD BANK. 
Emptying the truckload into the store- 
front took three trips, and then I 
helped Miriam and an older woman 
pile cans on shelves in the rear. In 
front, phones rang and children cried 
or ran around in circles, while anoth- 
ег two or three women tried to keep 
order. Signs and posters on the walls 
were in both English and Spanish, znd 
most of. the people i in the store—about 
а dozen, sitting patiently on scuffed 
orange plastic chairs—were black- or 
brown-skinned, not typical in a small 
Maine town. 

Miriam brought me a cold orange 
juice, and at my raised eyebrow she 
said, “Welcome to the other side of 
Maine. The one that doesn't get ге- 
ported much." 

“1 can see that.” 

We stepped outside into the surpris- 
ingly warm October sun and she said, 
"The secret side to this pretty state." 

“Migrant workers?” 

A firm nod. “The same. Mention mi- 
grant workers and people instantly 
think of California or Texas. Not many 
think of the fine and fair state of 
Maine. But they're here. Picking ap- 
ples or potatoes or packing eggs at 
those mega egg farms. They don't get 
paid squat and their families and kids 
get hungry, апа... well, that's why the 
food bank's been set up." 

I took a sip of my juice. “And this ties 
in with my visitors the other night?” 

She motioned across the street. “Any 
of those folks look familiar?” 

And sure enough, as she often is, 
iam was right. 


The men, eight of them this time, 
most in camouflage pants or jackets, 
were lounging around three parked 

(continued on page 142) 


UDPS ADVANTAGE: 

The Audi TT coupe pic- 

'ed on this page was first shown 

as a concept vehicle at the Ger- 
man Motor Show in Frankfurt in 
1995. One look told you it was 
one of those droolmobiles that au- 
tomakers tease the public with 
and never get around to manufac- 
turing. Surprise! The TT coupe 
is beginning to appear in show- 
rooms now and Audi says the 
original design hasn’t been wa- 
tered down with decorator touch- 
es, wood trim and luxury car stuff- 

g. The “forgotten pleasure of 
functional honesty" is Audi's sell- 
ing point, and the judicious use 
of aluminum, leather and stain- 
less steel exemplifies it. While 
most cars try to hide the fuel-filler 
cap, the TT surrounds it with a 
brushed-aluminum ring. It's like 
Bauhaus architecture on wheels. 

Last fall Audi of America flew 
a small group of journalists to 
Gyor, Hungary, where TTs are 
built. Jeff Vettraino, senior editor 
at large for Auto Week magazine, 
drove the car and gave us the 
lowdown. 

DS: What's your initial impres- 
sion of the car? 

ТУ: Before you slide in, it’s 
clear that the TT is one of the 
neatest, most expressive cars in a 
long time. It’s a statement both ar- 
tistically and technically, as if Au- 
di is claiming, “We can bend met- 
al to match anything they do at 
Mercedes, BMW or Porsche." 

DS: Is the TT's interior as dra; 
matic as the exterior? 

JV: It's tactile as hell. You want 
to palm the shift lever and'trace 
the aluminum-trimmed Vents іп 
the dash with your finger. The 
stereo controls hide under a pol- 
ished aluminum cover. The car is 
a two-plus-two, like a Porsche 
911. The rear seat folds flat for 
quite a bit of cargo space. 

DS: And on the road? , 

JV: At speed, the four-cylinder 
TT feels as though you’re hur- 
tling through space in a bullet. 
Air whooshes over the car. Audi 
says its zero-to-60 time is in the 
low seven-second range. The top 
speed is a governed 130 mph. Be- 
cause it’s a front-wheel-drive car, 
the major issue is the back end. 
Sports car drivers like to be able 
to steer with the accelerator, and 
you can't do that in the TT. 

DS: Is it a real sports car? 


Hummer and the E55 


Below: Audi's new TT coupe takes its 
name from a European car and mo- 
torcycle race, the Tourist Trophy, 
that was first held in 1908 on the 
Isle of Man. Under the front- 
wheel-drive TT's hood is а 
turbocharged 180-hp four- 
cylinder engine coupled 
to a five-speed box. 


116 


JV: Some auto snobs will 
say it isn’t because the TT is 
built on the same platform as 
Volkswagen's Golf and Beetle and 
the Audi A3 that’s sold in Europe. 
The shared platform is one reason 
the TT is priced in the $30,000 to 
$35,000 range. But to answer your 
question, yes, it's a real sports car. 

DS: What's coming next? 

JV: A year from now, Audi plans 


HUMDINGER: Sev- 
enty-five percent of Hummer 
owners have given a speech. At least 
that’s what AM General (the Hum- 
mer's manufacturer) claims. I al- 
most made mine in front of a judge 
when the right front fender of 
my wagon version (pictured below) 
barely missed a bicyclist. For a 7000- 
pound truck that's more than seven 
feet wide, the machine is surprising. 


Above: Dove's Gorage Bobe of the Month, Jenny, kicks bock on the hood of 
the latest Hummer wagon while Dave drifts off to cleon the windows cround bock. 
New for 1999 is o troction control system ond ABS thot enable the machine to 


scole verticol rock ledges up to 22 inches high, climb 60 percent grodes ond 
plow through humongous snowdrifts with ease. Bose price for the wagon is 
$B2,421. A power winch ond other goodies jock the cost to just over $100,000. 


to bring over a 225-hp TT coupe 
with a six-speed gearbox and quat- 
tro all-wheel drive. I drove a version 
of the car in Italy, and it's a blast— 
no qualifiers. The quattro system 
delivers power to either the front or 
the rear wheels, depending on road 
conditions. You can point this TT 
into a corner, wait for the first hint 
of push in front, then nail the gas 
and slam most of the power to the 
rear wheels. It will rotate the car like 
it’s a rear drive and the front end 
stays planted in the process. 


After interviewing Vettraino, I 
spoke with Audi of America’s press 
relations manager, Doug Clark, 
who informed me that a 180-hp 
TT quattro coupe will come to the 
States in late summer, followed by 
a 225-hp TT coupe quattro next 
spring. A roadster is being consid- 
ered. No prices yet. 


ly agile, thanks to a turbo diesel en- 
gine and power steering. You don't 
parallel park a Hummer; you just 
drive somewhere and squat. People 
deal with the car the way aborigines 
must have dealt with Ayers Rock. 


They stare in awe and then walk 
around it. The driver's seat reminds 
me of a World War II fighter plane 
cockpit. It's chockablock with knobs 
and dials. You can even hear the 
clock tick. 

James Petersen, rLavsoy's Senior 
Staff Writer, recently visited the 
Bumblebee Ranch near Phoenix, 
where Bad Bob, one of the cowboys, 
demonstrated what a Hummer can 
do. Petersen says the experience 
closer to rock climbing than to 
driving. А descent down an arroyo 
had the vehicle on three wheels, 
then two as Bob selected traction 
points. We splashed through creek 
beds, did doughnuts іп a dry wash 
and ran the Hummer up the side of 
a ravine until we were a few degrees 
shy of vertical. It was a display of 
handling that urban assault-vehicle 
owners will never know—unless 
they start driving over VW Bugs.” 


KEN GROSS REPORTS: 
Want exclusivity as well as blinding 
speed? According to Road and Track, 
Mercedes-Benz’ innocuous-looking 
E55 sedan (pictured below) is ca- 
pable of zero to 60 in just five sec- 
onds, which is three tenths of a sec- 
ond quicker than an F355 Ferrari 
Spider. Mercedes-Benz now owns 
AMG, a German company that spe- 
cializes in high-performance tweak- 
ing. To create each E55, E-class bod- 
ies are trucked to AMG's factory, 
where a 349-hp 5.5-liter V8 is add- 
ed, along with stiffer suspension, 
racing brakes with ABS, 18-inch 
wheels and tires, and the same five- 
speed automatic transmission usu- 
ally installed оп M-B's 12-cylinder 
cars. At $69,109, it's about half the 
price of a new Ferrari, and just as 
much fun 


Above: Not only is the AMG-modified E55 fost company, it also incorporates Mer- 
cedes-Benz' lotest sofety feotures: on Electronic Stobility Program thot senses if 
your wheels ore slipping ond compensates occordingly, rocing brokes with ABS, 
door-mounted side air bags and heod-protection curtains. Price; $69,109 with 
a five-speed cutomolic transmission. Only 500 Е555 will be imported onnually. 


“You had addressed the ball before the alligator attacked; therefore 


you must count each and every stroke!” 


17 


Ashley Judd 


РЕДОВЕ ЕЗ 


hollywood’s phi beta kappa wildcat оп bourbon, 
french words and why she shuns underwear 


A Phi Beta Kappa French major from 

the University of Kentucky and one 
of the hottest young actors in Hollywood to- 
day, Ashley Judd has emerged with a wal- 
lop from the shadows of her country music 
superstar mother (Naomi) and older sister 
(Wynonna). Judd’s parents divorced when 
she was young, and she divided her time be- 
tween them—attending a dozen schools in 
13 years. 

After college, Judd made her major film 
debut in the acclaimed Ruby in Paradise, 
which some critics maintain is her best work. 
She took supporting roles in Heat opposite 
Al Pacino and Robert De Niro; A Time to 
Kill, co-starring Sandra Bullock and Mat- 
thew McConaughey; and Smoke, playing 
the daughter of Harvey Keitel. During the 
shooting of Smoke, Judd also starred on 
Broadway in William Inge’s Picnic. She re- 
сешей Emmy and Golden Globe nomina- 
tions for her portrayal of Norma Jean Baker 
in HBO's Norma Jean and Marilyn. But 
her breakthrough role was in the box office 
hit Kiss the Girls, co-starring Morgan Free- 
man. She also garnered good notices for her 
supporting role in last years Simon Birch. 
Judd can be seen in two forthcoming films— 
Eye of the Beholder and Double Jeopardy, 
which co-stars Tommy Lee Jones. 

Robert Crane caught up with Judd on the 
set of Double Jeopardy in Vancouver. He re- 
ports: “Judd grabbed two director's chairs 
and positioned them right out in the mid- 
dle of the set and crew, With our knees touch. 
ing, the interview began. She is fearless, 
has a razor-sharp wit, is totally into her craft 
and is drop-dead gorgeous. At one point 
she had to change pants for a scene. She 
dropped trou right in front of everyone so we 
could. continue the interview and not keep 
director Bruce Beresford waiting. Now, 
that’s dedication.” 


il 


PLAYBOY: Describe the rides at your 
theme park Ashleywood. 

Jupp: 1 don't know how well attend- 
ed my theme park would be, because 
you'd have to think a lot. There would 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PEGGY SIROTA 


probably be some kind of dictionary at 
every turnstile, and I would have maz- 
es designed like 16th century Italian 
gardens. Some rides would definite- 
ly involve lipstick and beautiful dress- 
es. Riding horses would figure some- 
how, and there'd be a whole Kentucky 
Wildcats neighborhood. 


2 


PLAYBOY: You and William F. Buckley 
like to read dictionaries for fun. List 
three words you're dying to use in con- 
versation. Fxtra points if you use them 
in the same sentence 

jupp: His lack of perspicacity was re- 
vealed by the calumny with which he 
spoke. Hence, a debacle ensued. Deba- 
dle is not so fantastically challenging a 
word but it is wonderful in the mouth. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Dresses with slits: engineered 
for comfort or for showmanship? 
JUDD: Showmanship. Engineered via 
satellite while attending Kentucky bas- 
ketball games. Last-minute dressing 
stages observed by a roomful of peo- 
ple, none of whom observed any dan- 
ger whatsoever. And the overbearing 
motherly types too. Engineered with 
the hazard unobserved. I'm talking 
about my Richard Tyler Oscars gown, 
as I presume you were. But obviously 
the design answer to your question is 
both. Not that a kick pleat wouldn't ac- 
complish the same thing. 


4 


PLAYBOY: What gets lost in translation 
when you study French in Kentucky? 

JUDD: Actually, I gained so much in the 
translation. I came to comprehend 
English grammar by studying French. 
It enhanced my native tongue. I took 
four years in high school and four at 
university, with multiple courses in any 
given semester. Accrued a lot of time. 


5 


PLAYBOY: L'Académie Francaise should 
lighten up, don’t you think? What 
English words should be allowed in 
French? 

JUDD: Oh, I disagree. [Speaking French] I 
congratulate them for being one of the 
last bastions of hard-assedness. I love 
the Académie. They're righteous in a 
great historic way. I'm thinking about 
slang—OK, blow job in French is la 
pipe. Who wants to say la blow job when 
you сап say la pipe? The French Acade- 
my has a great point. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Were you ever benched at the 
University of Kentucky? 

JUDD: No, but my seatmate, who was as 
spastic a fan as I, was once given a 
technical. The other team took its two 
shots and everything. Did I mention 
my seatmate is my family's attorney? 


7 


PLAYBOY: Matthew McConaughey, Мі- 
chael Bolton and Lyle Lovett—we're 
not describing a straight line here. Ac- 
count for quirks of the heart. What's 
it like riding on the back of Lyle's 
motorcycle? 

JUDD: First ofall, this is as appropriate а 
time as ever to disband the rumor that 
Lyle and I dated. We absolutely never 
did. Гуе never been on the back of his 
motorcyde. He rides those motocross 
things. He's into BMX or something, 
I'm not sure. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Is there any single insight that 
you've found always to be true? 

JUDD: Yeah. The book is always better 
than the movie. 


9 


PLAYBOY: What haven't you done by 
30 that you (continued on page 171) 


119 


120 


tom delay hates clinton, 
loves lobbyists 
and is the big winner 
in washington's 
saga of sin 


FILE By Matty Ivins 


fter Kenneth Starr, the man most responsible for the 

impeachment of President Clinton was House majori- 

ty whip Tom DeLay, a Texan best known for campaign 

fund-raising techniques that smack of extortion and 

political judgments based exclusively on radical right- 
wing passions. 

Were it not for DeLay, Clinton almost surely would have been 
censured late last year and the case would have been closed. But 
DeLay wanted nothing less than Clinton’s expulsion, to say 
nothing of prolonging Washington's tawdry morality play. Af- 
ter all, in terms of political advancement and consolidation of 
personal power, the former bug exterminator is probably the 
biggest winner in Washington. 

No matter what the fallout from the impeachment process, 
most observers think there is little chance that the power DeLay 
had before it started will be diminished, at least in the immedi- 
ate future. And chances are he will never stop trying to triumph 
over the president. 

He knew how to win during the impeachment debate last fall. 
In public, DeLay said GOP congressmen were free to vote their 
consciences. But his colleagues had no doubt about how he 
wanted them to behave, nor of the punishment that awaited 
them if they did otherwise. They knew that the man who wants 
to restore DDT to the American landscape, and who treats the 
Constitution like a bug, has the power to cut off their political 
funding. 

For his part, DeLay talked about “secret evidence,” which 
turned out to be a rumor that Clinton had made unwelcome 
sexual advances to a woman 20 years ago. The woman in 


ILLUSTRATION BY ARNOLD ROTH 


Ж 


ii 2 
wi 
га 


ON‏ ا 


122 


question has told conflicting versions of 
the episode. In mid-February she re- 
canted her earlier denials that Clinton 
had misbehaved. 

After the impeachment vote, DeLay 
issued a statement saying a censure 
vote could never have succeeded be- 
cause “the White House will never ne- 
gotiate in good faith.” Then he went 
back to his discredited secret evidence 
and urged senators 
to examine what he 
called the “reams of 
evidence that have not 
been publicly aired 
and are available only 
to members. 

DeLay, 52, is a some- 
what beefy-faced fel- 
low with a helmet of 
perfectly groomed 
dark hair. He's nor- 
mally genial, with the 
air of a small-town car 
dealer experienced at 
being professionally 
affable. He and his 
wife of 31 years, Chris- 
tine, have a daughter, 
Danielle, and two fos- 
ter children. When 
DeLay is not angry, he 
comes across not as a 
nut but as a man given 
to ill-advised enthusi- 
asms—such as bring- 
ing back DDT. Noth- 
ing, however, in his 
manner or conversa- 
tion would lead you to 
think he is a natural 
leader. 

The son of an oil 
field-drilling contrac- 
tor, he grew up in Tex- 
as and spent part of 
his childhood in Vene- 
zuela. He graduated 
from the University of 
Houston in 1970 and 
went to work for a pes- 
ticide company. Sever- 
al years later DeLay 
bought his own out- 
fit, Albo Pest Control, 
which he boasts was the "Cadillac ofex- 
terminators” in Houston. 

He ran for the Texas Legislature in 
1978 because he was upset about gov- 
ernment regulation of pesticides and 
how much it was costing him. “Dereg” 
has been his slogan ever since. One 
colleague has said DeLay wasn’t “a 
player” in the legislature and was nei- 
ther a goody two-shoes nor a raving 
ideologue. 

In 1984 he ran for Congress from a 
district on the gulf coast, part of a re- 
gion that boasts more than half of the 
nation’s petrochemical production and 


one fourth its oil-refining capacity. 

In his early years in Congress, De- 
Lay tended to keep his bizarre views 
out of the headlines. But in 1988 one of 
his barmier moments occurred in pub- 
lic. According to the Houston Press, De- 
Lay gave an impassioned defense of 
Dan Quayle, who was then under fire 
for using family ties to get into a Na- 
tional Guard unit and out of serving in 
Vietnam. DeLay ех- 
plained to reporters a 
theretofore little-not- 
ed phenomenon. De- 
Lay claimed there was 
no room in the Army 
for people like himself 
and Quayle because so 
many minority youths 
had gone into uni- 
form to escape pover- 
ty and the ghetto. This 
remarkable explana- 
tion left his audience 
dumbfounded. After 
DeLay left the micro- 
phore, a television re- 
porter asked, “Who 
was that idiot?” 

In 1994 DeLay start- 
ed his own political ac- 
tion committee, called 
Americans for a Re- 
publican Majority, and 
a "corporate alliance" 
called Project Relief, 
composed mostly of 
lobbyists who wanted 
relief from govern- 
ment regulations. Ac- 
cording to the Federal 
Election Commission, 
DeLay received more 
contributions from 
PACs than any Repub- 
lican other than Newt 
Gingrich in the 1996 
campaign. The money 
lobbyists give to Arm- 
pac is in turn distrib- 
uted to Republican 
candidates, who then 
owe DeLay both votes 
and loyalty. His contri- 
butions to the famous 
class of Republican freshmen in 1994 
enabled him to win his race for majori- 
ty whip by three votes. 

During the 1995 budget crisis, De- 
Lay was instrumental in getting Ging- 
rich to close the government. “Screw 
the Senate. It’s time for all-out war,” he 
said. Then, when Gingrich decided to 
cut a deal with Clinton, DeLay led an 
unsuccessful rebellion against Ging- 
rich. Republicans, including DeLay, 
contended that Clinton had blindsided 
them by going on television to attack 
the party minutes after they thought 
they had a deal. DeLay never trusted 


him again: “1 don't believe a word he 
says.” Despite the hideous drubbing 
that Republicans took in the polls, De- 
Lay still says, “Our biggest mistake was 
backing off from the government shut- 
down. We should have stuck it out.” 

In 1996 DeLay reacted to Clinton's 
State of the Union address with rage 
Asked by a reporter if he had liked any 
part of the speech, DeLay bellowed, 
"Are you kidding! 1 was so shocked I 
couldn't even boo. I've never seen such 
a performance. 1 got knots in my stom- 
ach watching the president of the Unit- 
ed States look straight into the eyes of 
the American people and lie. I have 
already counted 21 lies, and 1 didn't 
even have an advance copy of the 
speech.” Eventually, DeLay claimed to 
have found 47 lies but the State of the 
Union address faded from the news. 


Tom DeLay's power may continue to 
grow, but there is no question that his 
ludicrous political judgments have 
made him vulnerable. He is, after all, 
seen as the man largely responsible for 
giving the Republican revolution its 
image as mean, radically extreme and 
in bed with corporate special interests. 
He not only favored the folly of shut- 
ting down the federal government in 
1995 but is almost solely responsible 
for the widespread impression that Re- 
publicans are out to gut every environ- 
mental protection law ever passed. 

On the House floor DeLay described 
the Environmental Protection Agency 
as “the Gestapo of government, purely 
and simply . . . one of the major claw 
hooks that the government maintains 
on the backs of our constituents.” He 
introduced bills to destroy both the 
Clean Air and the Clean Water acts, 
and let lobbyists help him draft legisla- 
tion calling for a moratorium on feder- 
al regulations. According to their own 
pollsters, this anti-environmental im- 
age has cost the party dearly. 

DeLay's anti-environmental passions 
go back to his days as a bug extermi- 
nator in Houston, when he came to 
admire DDT. He believes the forbid- 
den poison is a benign substance that 
should be in use today, and also be- 
lieves the pesticides mirex and chlor- 
dane should be brought back. The EPA 
says mirex and chlordane are both 
dangerous to human health: Mirex is 
cited as a possible carcinogen and was 
found in breast milk all over the South 
in the Seventies. DeLay claims that the 
EPA's ban on mirex caused fire ants to 
spread throughout the South. 

DeLay also dismisses evidence link- 
ing chlorofluorocarbons to destruction 
of the ozone layer. When the three sci- 
entists who discovered the link were 
awarded the Nobel Prize in chemistry 


“If you'd like to have phone sex with your girlfriend, ГИ 
gladly lend a hand.” 


123 


PLAYBOY 


in 1995, DeLay sneeringly called it “the 
Nobel appeasement prize.” DeLay 
does not believe in acid rain: He holds 
that the acid ruining Northeastern 
lakes is in the soil, and he suggests 
adding lime. He does not believe in 
global warming either: "It's the arro- 
gance of man to think that man can 
change the climate of the world. Only 
nature can change the climate. A vol- 
cano, for instance.” 

DeLay's normal 
fare is hyperbole. Не 
once described the 
Democrats' constitu- 
ents as "Greenpeace, 
Queer Nation and the 
National Education 
Association." But then 
he also told The New 
Republic that he was 
proud of his own co- 
alition, “all kinds of 
people, from the 
Christian Coalition 
to the Eagle Forum, 
from Arco to Exxon.” 

His real constitu- 
ency is the lobbying 
corps, and the sleazy 
smell that rises from 
their vigorous cooperation is another 
reason for DeLay's vulnerability. His 
motto is blunt: “If you want to play in 
our revolution, you have to live by our 
rules." DeLay's rules are upfront, ap- 
parent to anyone who cares to look. On 
his desk he keeps a list of the 400 
largest political action committees and 
the amounts and percentages they've 
contributed to Republicans and Dem- 
ocrats. Those committees that have 
given heavily to the GOP are labeled 
“friendly,” the others “unfriendly.” He 
also pressures corporations and trade 
groups to fire Democrats and hire Re- 
publicans as their lobbyists. Says De- 
Lay, “We're just following the adage of 
punish your enemies and reward your 
friends. We don't like to deal with peo- 
ple who are trying to kill the revolu- 
tion. We know who they are. The word 
is out.” His fund-raising letters to lob- 
byists are blunt enough to help earn 
him the nickname the Hammer. 

In late 1995 The Washington Post re- 
ported on DeLay's “friendly” and “un- 
friendly” lists, and soon after, Ralph 
Nader’s Congressional Accountability 
Project began an investigation. In Sep- 
tember 1996 CAP director Gary Ruskin 
asked the House Committee on Stan- 
dards of Official Conduct to investigate 
possible violations of standards of con- 
gressional conduct by DeLay. Citing 
the lists, Ruskin suggested DeLay may 
have directly linked campaign contri- 
butions to official action, in violation of 
the housc rule barring "considerations 
such as political support, party affilia- 


tion or campaign contributions" from 
affecting "either the decision of a mem- 
ber to provide assistance, or the quality 
of the help that is given." 

Ruskin also raised questions about 
DeLay's brother Randy, who practiced 
law by himself in Houston until Tom 
got elected majority whip. Randy 
promptly became a registered foreign 
lobbyist and in one year (according 
to federal records) 
banked more than 
$550,000. Along the 
way, Randy appears 
to have lobbied his 
brother on behalf of 
his clients—and got- 
ten results. 

The "vigorous assis- 
tance by Representa- 
tive DeLay in support 
of the efforts of his 
lobbyist brother pro- 
duces the clear im- 
pression,” said Gary 
Ruskin, “that Repre- 
sentative DeLay has 
provided special and 
inappropriate politi- 
cal favors to his broth- 
er and to Cemex," a 
Mexican cement manufacturer. Citing 
other cases in which the DeLay broth- 
ers had worked for the same goal, 
Ruskin suggested that the whip's ac- 
tions may have violated the Code of 
Ethics for Government Service that 
says no one in government should “dis- 
criminate unfairly by the dispensing of 
special favors or privileges to anyone." 

DeLay was undeterred, and eventu- 
ally the House Ethics Committee dis- 
missed the complaint. The Committee 
did advise him it was “particularly im- 
portant” for a person in his position to 
avoid any hint that a "request for access 
or for official action” was linked to cam- 
paign contributions. 

Then, during the Senate trial, there 
were headlines concerning allegations 
that DeLay had not told the truth five 
years ago in a deposition regarding a 
business dispute with a former associ- 
ate in the pest-control business. DeLay 
testified under oath that he had not 
been involved with the company for 
two or three years, even though he 
filed congressional financial disclosure 
forms saying otherwise. An aide tried 
to squelch the stories, blaming “politi- 
cal enemies” and asserting that “even- 
ually the truth will come out.” 

For all his bluster, DeLay appears to 
have used "legalese and lawyerese to 
do two-steps around the questions.” 
Those words, ironically, are his own: 
He uttered them in denouncing Pres- 
ident Clinton for allegedly trying 
to evade the truth. No matter how 
the various cases play out, DeLay has 


certainly made himself vulnerable to 
charges of hypocrisy. 


When DeLay sees an opponent, his 
instinct is to get rid of him. In 1997 he 
attacked federal judges who had made 
rulings that annoyed him and declared 
his intention to impeach them. “As part 
of our conservative efforts against judi- 
cial activism, we are going after judg- 
es,” he said. "We intend to . . . go af- 
ter them in г big way.” DeLay never 
mentioned criminal conduct as grounds 
for impeachment, except insofar as he 
regarded political views other than 
his own as criminal. His efforts were 
so outrageous that even fellow right- 
wingers opposed his plans. 

DeLay may be more sensitive about 
his vulnerability than his “acid tongue” 
and “penchant for rhetorical excess,” 
to cite two euphemisms from the press 
about him, suggest. In April 1997 Wis- 
consin Representative David Obey 
brandished what was by then a two- 
year-old Washington Post article describ- 
ing how lobbyists wrote drafts of leg- 
islation with DeLay's help. DeLay 
denied “categorically that it ever hap- 
pened” and challenged Obey to identi- 
fy the participants. When Obey waved 
the article under DeLay's nose, DeLay 
shoved him and called him a “gutless 
chickenshit.” 

After the shoving incident, DeLay's 
spokesman said, “The reason Mr. De- 
Lay was upset was that Obey . . . had 
questioned his integrity.” DeLay ought 
tobe used to that by now. 

Last summer, during the House's 
struggle over campaign finance re- 
form, DeLay was the point man for an- 
tireformers. Day after day he stood in 
the well, using every parliamentary ad- 
vantage leadership gives to kill the re- 
form. A majority of House members ul- 
timately voted for it anyway. 

"Most Americans deplore what Lar- 
ry Flynt is doing and at the same time 
hope he comes up with something tru- 
ly dreadful on Tom DeLay,” satirist 
Calvin Trillin observed. Probably true. 
DeLay may turn out to have been the 
wrong man at the wrong time for his 
own cause. He was, after all, an ade- 
quate number two when Newt Ging- 
rich's departure left a vacuum in СОР 
leadership. DeLay had no hesitation 
about stepping into the vacuum—and 
recklessly taking the party over a cliff 
by identifying the unpopular impeach- 
ment process with the Republican Par- 
ty. Will voters get even in 2000? DeLay 
seems heedless of the risks and ever 
more consumed by his desire to punish 
Bill Clinton. He's laughing now, but 
maybe not last. 


GOTTA НАТЕ IT 


TWELVE EXCEPTIONAL REASONS TO THANK THOMAS EDISON 


toys featured on these pages are loaded with bells and 
whistles, yet you won't need to take out a second mort- 
gage to buy them. In fact, we picked this electronic gear for 
the home and road specifically because it makes real-world 


| f you spend less, you won't necessarily get less. The tech 


sense. The items are smart, have the ability to make the 
good life great now and are priced within most men's means. 
And while you're lusting over that $25,000 high-definition 
plasma TV that hangs on the wall, remember: Today's bud- 
get buster is often tomorrow’s bargain. Patience. 


GOODS TO СО (left to right): A briefcase must for frequent fliers, Panasonic's DVD-L10 Palm Theater has с 5.8-inch 
LCD wide screen for viewing DVD movies on the road, plus the ability to connect to a TV for full-size screenings. The price: 
$1399. College guys, writers and corporate honchos will love Olympus’ D1000, a digital recorder that lets you download 
audiotaped interviews, lectures and meetings to a PC. With a few mouse clicks, software that comes with the $300 gadget 
transcribes the recordings. And for listening to tunes on the road, we love Sharp's new minidisc player-recorder, featuring 
a 40-second shock-resistant memory and a jog dial control that lets you skip from song to song (about $300). 


STAY ІМ TOUCH (left to 
right): Uniden’s Long Distance 
Manager cordless phone finds 
the best rate for each long-dis- 
tance coll you make and then 
places it with the respective car- 
rier ($90). The 30-minute back- 
up system in Proton's Digital 
AM-FM Stereo RS-330 alarm 
clock ensures you won't snooze 
through that big date (5150). 
Motorola and Timex’ Beepwear 
Pro keeps time, delivers pager 
messages, stock quotes and oth- 
er information and stores up to 
150 phone numbers (about $200). 


VIDEO NIRVANA: The best 
TV for wotching today's broad- 
cast programming is Sony's 32- 
inch FD Trinitron Wega ($2000). 
This slick set has a flat picture 
tube that produces images with 
unmatched color and clarity. 
Plus, it accepts a high-definition 
converter box (about 5500) so 
you can enjoy digital broadcasts 
when they make it to the main- 
stream. On top of the TV is 

JVC's GR-AXM910 compact VHS 
camcorder, a video shooter 

that doubles as a digital-still 
camera (about $850). 


NICE RACK (top to bottom): 
You can program Harman Kar- 
don’s Take Control LCD touch- 
screen remote to command an 
entire home theater ($350). 
Sony’s SAS-AD4 receiver has the 
best on-screen menu system for 
navigating DSS’ 200-plus chan- 
nels of digital television ($450). 
RCA's VR650HF VCR speeds past 
commercials and movie trailers 
($279). And the extra deck on 
Philips’ CDR 765 CD recorder 
makes it easy to copy songs 
from prerecorded discs 

to blanks ($650). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO IZUI 
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 111, 


m m | 


ulm 


PLAYBOY 


128 


V IRW 
BASEBALL PREVIEW 
(continued from page 96) 
added Cy Young perennial Roger 
Clemens to its rotation. Maybe the 
Yanks can go 150-12 this year. 

Which team had the highest winning 
percentage in the AL from July 31 to 
the end of the season? The Blue Jays, 
of course, who went 34-18 and fin- 
ished just four games out of the wild 
card. But it was a chaotic year for 
Toronto. The team was sold to a Bel- 


* May 28: Diamondbacks man- 
ager Buck Showalter issued Gi- 
anis left fielder Barry Bonds an 
intentional pass with the bases 
loaded. With two outs and the 
D-Backs leading by two runs in 
the ninth, pitcher Gregg Olson 
walked Bonds, forcing in a run, 
moving the tying run to third 
and the go-ahead run to sec- 
ond. Olson then induced Brent 
Mayne to line out. Game over, 
Diamondbacks 8, Giants 7. 
“They got lucky,” said Mayne. It 
was only the third time a big 
leaguer had been walked inten- 
tionally with the bases loaded. 


gian brewery—which mandated pay- 
roll cuts—and threatened to return to 
seagull-infested Exhibition Stadium if 
its Skydome lease wasn't revised. The 
Skydome went into bankruptcy. The 
Jays let Jose Canseco go to Tampa and 
sent Roger Clemens to New York for 
David Wells. Manager Tim Johnson's 
bizarre managerial style included feud- 
ing with coaches and making up stories 
about combat duty in Vietnam. Despite 
all this intrigue, the Jays have one of 
the best young teams in baseball. First 
baseman Carlos Delgado (.292, 38 
HRs, 115 RBI) is a fine young slugger. 
Right fielder Shawn Green hit 35 hom- 
ers, stole 35 bases and drove in 100 
runs. Left fielder Shannon Stewart had 
a great second half, and stole 51 bases. 
After a stay in the minors, center field- 
er Jose Cruz Jr. slugged .503 in the 
second half. On the last day of the 
1998 season, 21-year-old Roy Halla- 
day threw a one-hitter against Detroit 
With Wells, Pat Hentgen, newly ac- 
quired Joey Hamilton, Chris Carpen- 
ter and Kelvim Escobar, the Jays may 
have the AL's best starting rotation. It's 
tough for a young team to step up, and 
a lot can go wrong here. But if Gord 
Ash resists the temptation to trade a 
young starting pitcher, the Jays could 
be interesting. 

The Orioles began last season as 
baseball's oldest and highest-paid team 


and ended as its biggest flop. After 
reaching the ALCS the previous two 
years, the O's underachieved their way 
to a fourth-place finish, 35 games be- 
hind the Yanks. The team was due for 
a shake-up. Last year’s top three hitters 
(Robbie Alomar, Rafael Palmeiro and 
Eric Davis) are gone, but the O's sal- 
vaged offensive credibility by signing 
Albert Belle. They also added second 
baseman Delino DeShields, catcher 
Charles Johnson and first baseman 
Will Clark. The durable Belle has led 
the majors in homers, RBI and extra- 
base hits over the past cight seasons. 
And he'll love hitting in Baltimore. In 
43 games at Camden Yards, Belle has 
hit .294 with 15 homers, the most by 
any visiting player. But he'll need help. 
Clark comes off his best year since 1991 
(.305, 23 HRs, 102 ЕБІ), but he won't 
match Palmeiro's numbers. Johnson, a 
four-time Gold Glove winner, will help 
the pitching and keep runners honest, 
but he has to hit. And Brady Anderson 
must rebound from injuries. The O's 
are solid at the top of the rotation with 
ace Mike Mussina and workhorse Scott 
Erickson. But Juan Guzman and 
young Sidney Ponson are uneven, and 
new closer Mike Timlin will have to 
carry a big load. 

It was a lousy off-season in Bean- 
town. The team raised ticket prices and 
announced in December it was ban- 
ning pushcart vendors from outside 
Fenway. “The Red Sox can go to hell,” 
a Boston councilman declared, and the 
team relented on vendors. General 
manager Dan Duquette supposedly 
had a chance to sign Mo Vaughn to 
a four-year, $42 million contract, But 
Duquette didn't seem to like Mo's hab- 
its. Now the team is left with a franchise. 
player in Nomar Gardaparra, a great 
starter in Pedro Martinez, a $26 million 
banjo hitter in Jose Offerman and a 
closer, Tom Gordon, who'll be hard- 
pressed to match last year’s perfor- 
mance. In 1998 Boston finally won a 
postseason game, but it doesn't look as 
if they'll have a chance to win another 
this year. Don't be fooled by a quick 
start. Boston has a soft schedule for the 
first 25 games. Without Mo, Boston 
ends up close to .500. 

Unlike their expansion counterparts 
in Arizona, the Devil Rays enter their 
second season with modest expect 
tions. GM Chuck LaMar hopes to build 
a contender around a nucleus that in- 
cludes outfielders Randy Winn and 
Quinton McCracken, infielders Miguel 
Cairo and Bobby Smith, and pitchers 
Rolando Arrojo and Tony Saunders. 
The Rays may contend in a few years, 
but for now they'll rely on pitching and 
defense. Last year Tampa Bay scored 
the fewest runs in the majors. The ad- 
dition of Jose Canseco (46 HRs, 107 


RBI) should help, but if the R: 
improve, vets Fred McGriff, Paul Sor- 
rento and Kevin Stocker need to pick it 
up at the plate. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL 


If Jim Thome has another biscuit for 
breakfast on October 10, 1998, his 
first-inning drive ends up a three-run 
homer in the Jacobs Field seats rather 
than a warning track fly ball in Paul 
O'Neill's glove. Thome’s near-miss was 
as close as the Indians would get to the 
World Series. Failing an invasion from 
outer space, the Tribe will win the Cen- 
tral again this year, but Cleveland won't 
win a championship until it gets a 
number one starter. They do have two 
promising frontline hurlers in Bartolo 
Colon and Jaret Wright, and one of the 
league's best bullpens (enhanced this 
season by Jerry Spradlin, Ricardo Rin- 
con and a healthy Steve Reed). The In- 
dians' surprisingly complacent offense 
was only sixth in the AL in runs scored. 
For the first time since 1991, the Tribe 
didn't have a .300 hitter. The addition 
of Robbie Alomar, along with a healthy 
Jim Thome and continued improve- 
ment from Manny Ramirez, should 
help the team score. But the clock is 
ticking for Cleveland: Key players are 
getting old and the Indians’ winning 
percentage has dropped 145 points 
since 1995. 

In losing 97 games last season, the 


% August 30: Ken Griffey hit two 
home runs—his 46th and 47th— 
at Yankee Stadium. In the bot- 
tom of the fifth a fan wearing a 
Griffey jersey and carrying an 
NFL football ran out to center 
field from the left-field seats. 
When two guards tackled the 
zealot a few feet away from the 
Mariners center fielder, Griffey 
took his football. “I signed it 
while he was on the ground,” 
said Griffey. “1 gave it back to 
him and they took him away. He 
already was in trouble anyway.” 


Tigers took a giant step back from the 
ground that they gained in 1997. But 
there's a lot to like in Detroit: 23-year- 
old outfielder Juan Encarnacion (.329 
in 40 games), promising second base- 
man Damion Easley, outfielder Bobby 
Higginson (.284, 25 HRs), tall Tony 
Clark (.291, 34 HRs, 103 RBI) and 
highly touted rookie outfielder Gabe 
Kapler (146 RBI in AA ball). Dean 
Palmer (34 HRs, 119 RBI with Kansas 
City) will solve the Tigers’ problems at 
third base, and Brad Ausmus provides 

(continued on page 158) 


“No offense, ma'am, but Га sure like to pull myself up by your bootstraps.” 


129 


UPPOSE а love scene, 

a fight scene and a 

death scene were all 

required for one 

memorable role, all 

in one forgettable 

— movie. With her de- 
but as Helga the hit girl in Two Days in 
the Valley, Charlize Theron launched 
what has become one of the hottest ca- 
reers in Hollywood today. It doesn’t 
matter if you never saw the 1996 flick 
(though you'll want to rent it after see- 
ing this pictorial); plenty of Hollywood 
players did. They approached direc- 
tor John Herzfeld wondering, “Who 
is that girl?” The attention resulted in 
a number of supporting roles, which 
Charlize followed with an otherworldly 
performance opposite Keanu Reeves 
and Al Pacino in the diabolical thriller 
The Devil’s Advocate and another in the 
King Kong-with-a-conscience remake, 
Mighty Joe Young. And things are only 
getting better. Look for Charlize in the 
forthcoming features The Astronaut's 
Wife with Johnny Depp, The Cider 
House Rules with Michael Caine and 
The Yards with James Caan. With her 
exhilarating Norse code (blonde hair, 
blue eyes and a lithe 5/9" frame), Char- 
lize seems to have come to Los Angeles 
straight from Valhalla. However, her 
generous good looks cloak bouts of 
hardship. Theron (say shar-LEESE THER- 
run next time you meet her in your 
dreams) was raised on an isolated farm- 
stead in South Africa. At 16, she left 
for Europe to begin a modeling career. 
A closet dancer, she moved to New 
York and took lessons at the Joffrey 
Ballet until a knee injury forced her 
to quit. She headed west and, even 
though she didn't find out Hollywood 
is in Los Angeles until she arrived, Hol- 
lywood found her. She lived delicate 
hand to pouty mouth for a year, which 
included an early stay in a dodgy hotel 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GUIDO ARGENTINI 


The many wonderful sides 
of Charlize Theron: Like all 
great beauties, she has an 

expression for every 
moment and depth to 
every look. But modeling 
wasn't her favorite pastime. 
It was just a convenient 
way for Charlize to support 
her avocations, which 
include dancing, acting 
and riding her Harley. 
Whatever she does, we'll 
always be among 

her biggest boosters. 


The dance of the single 
veil. The rewards of Char- 
lize's background in dance 
аге many: poise, discipline 

and a limber form. She 
kept training even though 
her height put her at a dis- 
advantage. The wear and 

tear of ballet's high-impact 
moves eventually took its 
toll on her knees. Still, her 
natural athleticism was 

ап asset when she made 
the transformation to act- 
ing and was able to per- 
form her own stunts 


138 


Charlize in chemise: Up top, Ms. Theron relaxes before sex with James Spader in 
Valley. That tease Charlize: Above left, she clinches Jeff Daniels in Trial and Error. 
Charlize and Reeves: Above right, she rings Keanu’s southern bell in The Devil's Ad- 
vocate. Below left: In mini, please! Charlize on Celebrity's runway. No fleas on 
Charlize: Below right, she’s appealing as a second banana in Mighty Joe Young. 


called the Farmer's Daughter and sur- 
reptitious trips to a restaurant to steal 
bread. Like a modern-day Lana Tur- 
ner, Charlize was discovered by John 
Crosby (talent manager for Rene Russo 
and John Hurt), who noticed her hav- 
ing a furious argument in a bank. He 
gave her his card. Soon after she was 
able to exploit her feistiness. During a 
fight in Valley, Teri Hatcher throws a 
punch that catches a spandex-sheathed 
Charlize full in the face and launches 
her across the room. Pow! (Or is it me- 
ow?) Turns out the outrageous fistfight 
was too real—shooting was halted and 
ice applied to Charlize’s cheek after 
Hatcher accidentally connected with 
that first swing. Theron's impact on the 
screen is often like a slap in the face 
during otherwise somnolent movies. 
It's a demonstration of her talent and 
good luck that she has landed roles 
with the punches. But first this beauti- 
ful export had to lose her South Afri- 
can accent (she watched TV shows such 
as Dynasty for weeks on end) and had to 
lose a part to Elizabeth Berkley in a 
career-damaging film called Showgirls 

When Charlize finally got her break in 
Valley, she was ready to fight for it. The 
New York Times called her performance 
“spectacularly sleazy.” James Spader, 
who played her boyfriend, described 
her as an “Amazonian beauty” for a 
People magazine article, which stressed 
that she was “blowing away critics.” She 
even earned exclamation points for a 
bit part in Trial and Error, which was os- 
tensibly a comedy vehicle for Seinfeld's 
Michael Richards. “If someone wanted 
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141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


SHADOW TREES 


(continued from page 114) 
pickups, sipping beer and looking over 
at us. They were laughing too loudly. 
Even from across the street, I didn't 
like the looks in their eyes. Mir 
gently nudged me. “Do you feel sal 

“Excuse me?” 

“Do you feel safe?” 

“Not particularly.” 

“Well,” she said, her voice dripping 
with scorn. “You should. That's our 
own Arundel County militia, here to 
make Pinette safe for white Christian 
folks who hate big government. Believe 
it or not, they think they're doing good.” 

I kept an eye on them, conscious 
that I could feel myself looking over 
the eight men, memorizing their faces, 
memorizing their attitudes and their 
smiles and whispers. “I take it they're 
not keen on food banks.” 

“Especially food banks for migrant 
workers.” 

“Not very Christian of them,” I said. 

Miriam sighed. “Who said any of this 
had to make sense? Look, I've got to 
get back to the store. Can we go?” 

And that would have been that, ех- 
cept for one of the men across the way 
yelled something in our direction, 
something about a spic-loving bitch, 
and before I knew it, I was on their side 
of the road. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that,” I 
said politely. “Care to repeat it?” 

They were laughing, safe in their 
numbers, but one in the center looked 
me over and said, “I don’t think you 
heard a damn thing.” He was in his 
early 40s. with fair skin and a neatly 
trimmed black moustache. His jeans 
were clean and looked pressed, and his 
fatigue jacket was also clean. Not a 
speck of mud. Impressive. 

The other members of the group 
were bulkier and had more facial hair. 
I kept my polite smile turned on, but 
my eyes were in radar mode, check- 
ing each of them, looking for holsters, 
looking for lumpy objects in coat pock- 
ets, looking for hands half-hidden be- 
hind a back. 

"I'm sorry, but I think I did," I sai 
looking directly at the man in charge. 
“The name is Owen Taylor. Is there а 
problem?" 

А few more laughs, but they didn't 
sound friendly. "And my name is Hank 
Marley, and we're out here practicing 
our constitutional rights of free and 
open assembly. That all right with you?” 

“TIL tell you—" I began, and then 
from behind us a horn started honk- 
ing. I turned to see Miriam in the front. 
seat of my truck. She honked again, 
and I could see the look on her face. 

Hank said, "Go on, friend. It looks 
like your woman wants you." 


A few snickers, but those faded when 
I looked them over. "You just made a 
bad assumption," I said. 

“Oh, that's not your woman?" Hank 
asked. 

“Not that,” I said. "Calling me your 
friend.” 


Back in the truck we went for about 
a block before Miriam said, “Don't.” 

"I'm sorry, is there the rest of a sen- 
tence there?” 

“You heard me,” she said. “Don't. 1 
can handle this myself.” 

“I have no doubt you can handle 
anything tossed your way,” I said. “1 
just went over to discuss current issues 
with the gentlemen, that's all." 

"Hah." She looked out the window 
as we drove through Pinette. "Look, 
you know what they are? A bunch of 
scared little boys, that’s all. Scared 
about their jobs, scared of anybody dif- 
ferent, scared that the great all-power- 
ful Them is after their rights and their 
guns. This week they're harassing mi- 
grant workers, next week they'll be up 
on Phelan Hill, looking for black heli- 
copters. Don't worry about it.” 

I thought about that a moment and 
said, “All right, deal. But the minute 
they start harassing a certain store own- 
er and selectman in this town, then it 
becomes a problem." 

"Owen——" 

"Let me be, dear, or ГЇЇ send the UN 
after you." 


That was good for a laugh or two, 
until I went into town later that week 
to find three trucks parked across the 
street from Miriam's store. I parked 
down the street so Miriam couldn't see 
me, and then I walked up to the group. 
Same clothing, same attitude. I caught 
Hank Marley's eye, and a little smile 
danced its way across his face, like he 
was so damn glad to see me. 

“What's going on, Hank?" I asked. 
"You guys pooling your allowance so 
you can go in and buy the latest copy of 
Soldier of Fortune?" 

Hank's smile remained. “I like your 
style, Owen. Very witty, very cocky. We 
could use someone like you." 

"And who's we?" 

He gestured to his group. "Just a few 
people in this county who are tired of 
their rights being trampled on, tired 
of their taxes going up and up, tired of 
special benefits for special groups of 
people, tired of crime. We're gonna be 
ready for the next gang who wants to 
break into an old couple's home and 
burn it down, or for the next county at- 
torney who wants to cut plea bargains, 
or the next bunch of do-gooders who 
want to help strangers instead of help- 


ing their own." 

I nodded. “I suppose you're the 
same group I've seen down by the riv- 
er. Over by the trecline." I paused and 
added, “On my property.” 

Hank shrugged and said, "There's a 
right-of-way down along the river, for 
fishermen.” 

“Funny, I don’t remember seeing 
any fishing poles.” 

One of his larger companions spoke 
up. “Collapsible fishing poles, In our 
packs. That's why you didn't see 
them.” 

"Oh," I said, smiling widely. "How 
convenient. And what's going on here 
today?” 

Hank nodded to the store. “Just talk- 
ing to people. Letting them know that 
by going to this store, they're helping 
subsidize someone who helps illegals in 
this county. Outsiders who take away 
jobs from the locals.” 

I looked at them, one by one. “You 
mean you fellows would rather be pick- 
ing apples or processing eggs than hav- 
ing a cold beer on this fine day?” 

Some mutterings from the fellows, 
and Hank folded his arms. "That's not 
the point. The point is that cheap labor 
drives down wages. It drives out jobs. 
And that's not right." 

“You seem to be doing all right, 
Hank.” 

"I'm independent, just like the hunt- 
ers and shopkeepers and trappers that 
made this country great. And I don't 
need the government's help for that. 
All we ask is to be left alone, and let us 
protect our own kind.” 

I stepped up to him and leaned in, 
lowering my voice. “What a coinci- 
dence, Hank. You see, I'm here to pro- 
tect my own kind, too.” 

And I left and went across the street 
to the store. 


Miriam was there, by herself, wiping 
off a very clean lunch counter. Í sat 
down and picked up a lunch menu and 
then put it down, looking around the 
empty store. “Somebody in town offer- 
ing free beer?” 

“Nope,” she said, folding and refol 
ing the cloth. “Somebody outside is 
fering free aggravation. If you had a 
choice of shopping in town with plen- 
ty of hassles and stares and rude com- 
ments, or driving 15 minutes farther 
with no hassles and no stares, what 
would you pick?" 

I folded my hands on the lunch 
counter. “Му dear, I would pick you. 
Always. 

"Too bad other good citizens of Pi- 
nette don't share your conviction. With 
jobs tight and everyone looking out 
for themselves, well . . . you see what 
happens.” 


РОК ATYERIOSY 


144 


I looked back out the window at the 
men and trucks. “This Hank Marley. He 
seems to be a tad brighter than his co- 
horts. What's the matter, did he run for 
selectman last spring and lose?” 

“Nope, not Hank,” she said. “He runs 
his own woodworking business, out be- 
hind his house. Wanted to expand and 
the zoning board wouldn't let him. Bin- 
go. Big government in the form of his 
neighbors telling him what to do with his 
land. A few weeks later, we got our very 
own militia, He's a smart one, speaks 
well, and if it wasn't for him, I don't 
think they'd keep it up. But he's got 
them organized, he's got them spun up, 
and right now, he's got them outside, 
ruining my business." 

1 looked down at my hands. “I could 
do something, you know." 

She slapped the towel on the counter. 
and resumed her wiping. "You've had 
an interesting life, judging from all those 
scars that I've seen. But Owen, no vi- 
olence. АШ right? Just let it be. Before 


you know it, itll be deer season and 
those boys will be more concentrated on 
bucks up on Callaghan Ridge than on 
migrant apple pickers or me. Promise. 
No violence.” 

“Promise,” I said. “No violence.” 

Тһе phone rang and I picked up the 
menu again, wondering if I could order 
an expensive lunch and get away with 
leaving an obscenely large tip, and then 
Miriam came back, her eyes wide, her 
hands clasped before her. “The food 
bank. They ve set fire to the food bank.” 

1 got up and then ducked as some- 
thing smashed through the front win- 
dow. Miriam shrieked and I propelled 
myself across the counter and pulled her 
to the floor. I raised my head over the 
counter but didn't see any movement. 

“Stay here,” I ordered. Of course, she 
would have none of that and followed 
me to the front of the store, where the 
glass had been smashed by a brick 
ing on the faded wood. I hefted the bri 
in my hand and stepped outside to the 


“I think they're up there because none of them ever got caught 
with a babe in the White House.” 


porch. Nobody. The men and the trucks 
were gone. I could feel Miriam trem- 
bling at my side and said, "Why don't 
you close early, and I'll spend the night 
at your place.” 
She choked back a sob. "That . . . that 
would be nice, but my son 
“ГІ sleep on the couch,” I said. 
1 helped her nail plywood over the 
shattered front window and then she 
locked up and got into her five-year-old 
Ford and drove away. I walked down the 
street to my pickup and found that 
someone had thoughtfully dumped a 
couple of streets’ worth of trash into the 
front seat. I spent a few minutes cursing 
and cleaning it out, and when I got into 
the smelly cab and started the truck, I 
looked back up at the street, at the store, 
where the stark plywood stood out. 
“Promise,” I said. “No violence.” 


A couple of days later I drove up on 
Linden Road, up on the northern end 
of town, where there are lots of trees 
and old stone walls and not many hous- 
ез. My truck clattered over a small wood- 
en bridge, spanning Lindsey's Stream, 
before I found the house I was looking 
for, a two-story garrison with a big ga- 
rage nearby and a sign hanging over the 
front: MARLEY'S WOODWORKING: FINE AMERI- 
CAN FURNITURE. I backed the truck up the 
driveway so I would һауе an easy out if 
things didn’t go right, then I got out and 
walked up to the open garage. From in- 
side the garage I could hear the earsplit- 
ting whine of wood being cut, and the 
sounds of hammers and voices, and a ra- 
dio playing. 

The garage had a wide door and in- 
side was a woodworking shop with over- 
hanging fluorescent lights. Chairs and 
porch swings and tables and other piec- 
¢s of wood furniture in various stages 
of construction were scattered around 
the concrete floor, along with lengths of 
wood and piles of something out back, 
covered with a blue tarpaulin. There 
were workstands and lathes and electric 
saws, and two large sinks at the rear. 

Three men were working inside, two 
at the far end, and Hank Marley was at 
a tall desk, standing over some paper- 
work. His jeans and flannel shirt were 
smeared with sawdust. 

When he saw me he came around the 
desk, and I saw a small holster belted to 
his side holding a revolver, maybe a 32 
caliber. His two bearded companions— 
easily recognizable from the other day— 
stopped their woodworking machinery 
and lifted up their safety goggles. 

“Do something for you?" Hank asked, 
standing confidently, right hand casually 
resting on his belt 

Sure, I thought. Come one step closer 
and I'll pick up this piece of wood and 
drive it into your chest, just below your 
breastbone. When you're on your knees, 
gasping for breath, I'll grab the revolver 


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145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


and take care of your two buddies. And 
then I'll get to work on you. 

Instead, I said, “Yeah, you sure can. 
How much?” 

He cocked his head quizzically, like 
a hound dog hearing a strange sound 
out deep in the woods. “How much for 
what?” 

“You decide,” I said. “Maybe you and 
I could reach an agreement here. I buy 
some furniture. Maybe I buy a lot of. 
furniture. Or maybe we just skip the 
furniture part and we work out an 
arrangement. Money in exchange for 
consideration." 

His eyes narrowed a bit. “And what 
kind of consideration?" 

"You're a smart businessman, you fig- 
ure it out." 

“Тһе store owner, right?" he asked 
with sarcasm, making each word sound 
like an epithet. "Our elected govern- 
ment representative. The migrant 
lover." 

"Oh, she's not that bad, so long as 
you ignore the black helicopter in her 
barn," I said, keeping my eyes on his two 
friends at the rear of the garage. If they 
started moving toward me, promise or 
no promise, 1 was picking up that length 
of wood. 

“So says you.” 

“Right,” I agreed. "So says me. So why 
not a deal?” I gestured around the ga- 
rage. “What do you say I pick up a few 
pieces of furniture. Maybe even place an 
order for a few more. Hell, maybe a 
year's output. I wouldn't know where to 
put it, but that’s my problem, isn't it." 

He paused, then said, "You've got that 
kind of money?" 

Blood money, some might call it. “I 
do,” I went on. “So. What do you say, 
Hank? You're a businessman. This is a 
deal where everyone wins. You get some 
business, somebody I care about is left. 


alone and you and your boys can keep 
on playing in the woods." 

Hank rubbed his chin. "But you see, 
Owen, I'm more than just a business- 
man." He looked back at his comrades, 
"I'm a patriot. Someone whose values 
can't be bought. Someone who's inde- 
pendent of the system, of the corrupt 
rules, of the crooks pretending to be the 
government. So I'm not for sale. In fact, 
nothing in my shop is for sale to you." 

His hand was at his belt, near the hol- 
ster. “And if I'm not doing business with 
you, then you're trespassing. And I sug- 
gest you get off my property." 

I looked to the rear of the garage and 
saw the two other men putting their 
tools away. At that point, the wind picked 
up and lifted the corner of the blue tar- 
paulin out back, revealing some white 
bags, piled neatly. 

I raised my hand, tried my best smile. 
“АП right, Hank. I'm always open for 
suggestio: 

I walked out of the garage at an angle, 
so my back wouldn't be turned to them. 
I started my truck, then checked the 
rearview mirror. All three were inside. 1 
rolled down to the end of the driveway 
and saw that the week's trash had been 
left out. Four dark green bags of trash. 
Moving quickly, I got out of the truck 
and tossed the bags in the rear, and then 
drove off, thinking about two things. 

The first was that someone might have 
seen me take the trash bags. 

And the other was exactly what Hank 
Marley—no farmer—was planning to 
do with several hundred pounds of 
fertilizer. 


The next morning I spent a couple of 
hours shooting at tin cans and plastic 
bottles, keeping the old skills up. 1 went 
though my entire collection of pistols, 


“Henceforth, Milford, take care of your hygienic needs 
before you come to the office.” 


rifles and shotguns, bringing them up 
from the basement, letting the booming 
sounds and the sharp smell of burnt 
gunpowder settle right through me. I 
figure that, retired or not, if I can take 
ош a tin can at 50 yards, I'm still fairly 
lethal. That's a good feeling, one I in- 
tend to keep. 

I paused in my shooting, letting a mi- 
nor cramp in my trigger finger work its 
way out. The sky was clouding up some 
and there was the woodsy smell of dead 
leaves. This type of exercise usually 
lcaves me in a good mood, but I had 
talked earlier with Miriam to make a 
date for tomorrow night, and she had 
sounded tired. She mentioned hang-up 
phone calls and a dead squirrel left in 
her mailbox. But she refused to come 
over and also refused my offer of com- 
ing over a day early. Stubborn woman. 
Thinking about what she was going 
through ached at me. 

The grim mood was still with me later 
that night when it started to rain. After a 
meal of stew and day-old bread I made a 
cup of tea, and as I went back into the 
living room 1 spared a glance through 
the window and stopped. 

‘They were back. 

The binoculars were іп my hands and 
I watched the men move slowly by the 
river's edge. The rain made their clothes 
look sodden and thick. There were five 
or six of them, moving along, weapons 
and knapsacks slung over their shoul- 
ders, led by Hank Marley. I saw a few 
smiles. Sure. Playing soldier is fun, ex- 
cept when someone's shooting at you. I 
thought of going down to the cellar and 
coming back up with the scoped Rem- 
ington and tossing а few rounds over 
their heads as a community service. 
Can't have a poorly trained militia in the 
neighborhood, can we? 

No violence, I thought. Promise. 

I watched as they struggled through 
the muck and grass up the river, passing 
through into the trees. Legally, they 
were trespassing, but in this town I 
wouldn't get far with a complaint. So 
longas they stayed away from the house, 
they could troop up and down the river 
all night long. One of the many things 
I've learned in this little town isa flexible 
concept of property rights. You never 
can cut a couple of branches on someone 
else's land for firewood, but therc arc 
ridgelines and hills in Pinette and be- 
yond where everyone hunts deer and no. 
one pays attention to boundary markers. 

I watched by the window for a while 
longer, and then went to bed. 


. 

With her son, Eric, away visiting 
friends for the night, Miriam came over 
to my house. Later we were in front of. 
the fireplace, cuddled up in a large down 
comforter and wearing absolutely noth- 
ing. Firelight in a dark room does won- 
derful things to a woman's skin, and I 


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enjoyed looking at that golden glow as 
we sipped Irish coffee from big thick 
mugs and listened to a sleet storm slap 
against the windows. 

Miriam said, "Don't freak when I say 
this, because it’s not a proposal of any 
sort, but it’s nights like these 1 wish I 
could stay in here forever.” 

"OK. I'm not freaking. And I can see 
why you'd feel that way. How are you?” 

“Um fine.” 

Sure. “And how is the food bank?” 

“It's doing better,” she said. “Luckily 
the beer bottle broke as it hit the side- 
walk, and the gasoline just splashed a 
little before it caught fire. Mostly scorch- 
ing damage outside. They were lucky. 
But. ^ 

There was a lot of weight in that last 
word. I started gently scratching her 
back. "And you were about to say?" 

Her shoulders shook for a moment, 


and her voice was bleak. "There was a 
note the day after. Slid under the door. It 
- + + it said the next time, it would be 
bigger and better. And there'd be noth- 
ing left but rubble.” 

1 thought about my visit to Hank and 
said nothing. "We told Chief Gramby, 
but, well, you know how he is,” she said. 
“Two years away from retirement, and 
there's not much he can do anyway. He 
said it’s just idle threats, that’s all, and 
that he would keep an eye on the place. 
He also said he would keep an eye on the 
store. Hell, the man’s by himself with 
two part-time cops who are best friends 
with the guys in the militia. We even 
tried getting the newspapers interested, 
but the county paper is just a weekly for 
shoppers. The Portland paper said 
they might send over a stringer if the 
chief ever makes an arrest. Am I sup- 
posed to give up?” 


“1 just had ап Egg McMuffin. I'd like to wash it down 
with a Gin McTonic." 


“I don't think you'd do that, would 
you?" I said, looking into the fire, enjoy- 
ing the sound of the sleet on the window 
and the smoothness of Miriam’s skin. 

“No, not for a moment,” she said. 
“This is my town, damn it, and if I want 
to help my neighbors, even if they have 
dark skin and speak another language, 
then it damn well isn't anyone else's 
business. Süll, donations to the food 
bank have dropped off the past couple of 
days, and so have the customers at my 
store. So I guess the militia is getting its 
way. They're winning, just like bully boys 
everywhere win.” 

I thoughtand looked into the fire and 
continued scratching her back. “Damn 
it," she said. "Somebody ought to do 
something." 

I nodded. "You're absolutely right. 
Somebody ought to do something." 


I spent a couple of days downtown, 
keeping an eye on the store and then 
driving over to keep an eye on the food 
bank. If Chief Gramby was joining me, 
he was under deep cover. On the third 
day, I spotted Hank Marley coming out 
of Paul's Hardware, and I made a 
U-turn on the street and pulled up to 
the curb. As he came up the sidewalk 
I rolled down the window. "Hank?" 

He stopped, carrying a large paper 
“Yes?” 
Still would like to make a deal with 
you,” I said. "Even double my last offer.” 

He laughed. “Why should I deal? 
We're winning.” 

And he walked off. 


The next night I was at Miriam's 
house for dinner, and she asked me to go 
upstairs to get Eric. His small room is 
decorated with posters of the space shut- 
tle and basketball stars, and in one cor- 
ner is an Apple computer, which he can 
pretty much make sing and dance on 
demand. Miriam’s son is 14, with her 
brown hair and eyes but with a height 
that's approaching mine. In the ume 
we've known each other, he and I have 
joined a mutual-respect society. I respect 
him for helping his mom—without an 
attitude—through single motherhood, 
and he respects me for treating him as a 
young adult, and not a child with glan- 
dular problems. 

“Listen,” I said, “your mom wants you 
down for dinner, but first I need to ask 


He had a big grin on his face, the kind 
ateenager gets when asked fora favor by 
an adult. “Ask ahead.” 

From inside my sports coat I pulled 
out a plastic bag, and from inside that 
some crumpled-up pieces of paper. I 
smoothed them out on his desk and 
pointed out a name and some numbers 
and told him what I was thinking. He 
nodded. 


“Think you сап do something with 
that?” 

The grin was still there. “Sure.” 

“OK. Think you can do something 
with that without getting caught?” 

The grin got bigger. “Piece of cake, 
Owen. How far should I take it?” 

“To the moon and back.” 

“No problem.” He picked up the slips 
of paper and put them into the top 
drawer of his desk, and then sniffed the 
air. “Man, where did you get them from 
anyway, the garbage?” 

“You could say that.” 


‘The next day I was at the kitchen ta- 
ble, working through some financial op- 
tions, when the FBI came for a visit. It 
wasn't their first visit this year. Usual- 
ly two agents come to the house, but 
budgetary cutbacks must have reached 
far and wide, for just one showed up 
this time. 

"Special Agent Cameron," he said, 
opening his badge to me automatically 
as I let him in. He had a set of fine wrin- 
kles about his tired eyes and his thinning 
white hair looked even sparser than be- 
fore. 1 sat in the living room and kept 
the fire going while he went through the 
routine. He opened his briefcase, then 
a leather-bound folder, and read from 
some papers. He wore half-glasses, and 
his voice was one step above monotone. 

“You realize that in exchange for past 
testimony we have the right to search the 
house to ensure that your agreement 
with the Department of Justice is in or- 
der,” he said. “Correct?” 

“Absolutely.” 

He put the papers back into his brief- 
case. “I've sometimes wondered, based 
on your record, how you sleep at night.” 

“Usually in bed, with blankets, and if 
I'm lucky, with something cuddly and fe- 
male at my side.” 

‘The afternoon didn't improve there- 
after. He searched the upstairs, the liv- 
ing quarters, the cellar, the barn and my 
truck, making sure 1 had the agreed- 
upon number of firearms, no explosives 
and nothing else illegal. Then he came 


back and put down his briefcase. 

"I've been advised to tell you some- 
thing,” he said. “If I had my way, I 
wouldn't tell you a damn thing, but or- 
ders are orders." 

“Haven't I heard that one before?” 

He glared at me. "There's a congres- 
sional audit under way in some areas of 
the department. Some agreements we've 
had with people like yourself are being 
reexamined. Some are being canceled, 
and some people like yourself are find- 
ing themselves in prison." 

Dear me. "Go оп.” 

"Consider it a reminder," he said. "If 
you ever have the urge to engage in any- 
thing illegal, anything involving vio- 
lence, anything at all that might prove 
an embarrassment to the department, 
well” 

“Well, what?” 

He didn't blink. “Just hope those urges 
go away, or you might be in a concrete 
room next month, taking group showers 
with a biker gang. Understood?" 

"Understood." 

As Agent Cameron drove down the 
dirt driveway, I stood in the window for 
a very long time, just thinking. 


I lay awake in bed that night, listening 
to the old farmhouse creak and groan as 
it settled. I had been in prison once, just 
before I agreed to testify in some bloody 
and secret matters. And then, eventual- 
ly, I had ended up here, on this old farm 
in this township, where, within certain 
not-too-unreasonable limits, I could do 
almost anything I wanted. 

In prison they tell you when to cat, 
what to eat and what to wear, and it is 
noisy, noisy all day and all night with 
yells, shouts, radios and TVs, and that 
damn clanging of metal bars. Not to 
mention the constant menace in the air, 
of men cooped up who would tear each 
other to pieces over an imagined insult 
or a stolen cigarette butt. 

I rolled over and caught a scent. On 
the spare pillow, I caught a whiff of Miri- 
am. Her perfume or shampoo or what- 
ever other mysterious fragrance women 


WHO WAS 
THAT? WAS 
IT MY FRIEND Дӣ A anio MY 


PAL, AL 


use. I rolled back and laid the pillow 
across my chest, breathing, enjoying her 
scent—and then I stopped thinking and 
got up and went downstairs. 


In the cellar there’s a pegboard wall 
where I've hung some tools and oth- 
er gardening implements, including an 
awl. I inserted the awl into two of the 
peg holes and moved the board away on 
well-oiled hinges. In the concrete wall 
was a safe, and I undid the combination, 
reached inside and took out some sou- 
venirs from my previous life. 

And then I got to work, using certain 
skills from my old life. I must admit, the 
activity did bring a smile to my face. 


Ап hour later I was in the deep woods, 
listening and watching. There was a 
small knapsack on my back and a Rem- 
ington Model 60 bolt-action rifle in my 
hands. I lay in the woods, enjoying the 
cold feel of the air on my handsand face, 
ing the lack of mosquitoes and 
other irritating things with wings. I was 
ona small rise among several white birch 
trees, watching the house and the garage 
below me—Hank Marley's place. It was 
three in the morning, a good hour for 
people to be in deep sleep, and also a 
good hour for other people to catch up 
on jobs to be done. 

Í brought the rifle up to my eye and 
switched on the nightscope. Everything 
became clear in a faint green glow. No 
lights were on in the house or in the 
garage. Nobody seemed to be outside. 
Everything seemed quiet enough. 

I stashed the rifle among a couple of 
boulders and worked my way down to 
the garage. I used a small penlight with 
a red lens that gave off a faint illumina- 
tion without destroying my night vision. 
I checked all along the side door. No ap- 
parent alarms or switches. The side door 
had two locks, each of which took under 
five minutes to pick, and then I was in- 
side. I waited. No lights came on from 
inside the house. No bells tinkled and по 
horns blared. Quiet. 1 looked around 


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the garage, holding the penlight in my 
mouth. To the rear I found a wood pal- 
let and the bags of fertilizer, and I 
shrugged off my knapsack and went to 
work some more. With a folding knife 
I split open the bags and dumped the 
load on the concrete floor. From the 
knapsack 1 took out a hose and hooked it 
up to the rear sink, and started a slow 
dribble of water that, by morning, would 
turn the fertilizer into harmless sludge. 

By the sink I noted two new 55-gallon 
drums. I sniffed and checked the labels. 
Diesel fuel. My, Hank and his boys had 
explosive imaginations. In the workshop 
1 found a hand drill, and soon diesel oil 
was dribbling onto the floor. 

And then I went outside and gently 
closed and locked the door behind me. 

I still had work to do. 


A half hour later 1 was in another hid- 
ing place across the road, keeping 
Hank's house under surveillance with 
the nightscope. Using the red flashlight 
I rummaged around in my pack till 1 
found a silencer, which 1 screwed onto 
the end of the rifle barrel. Lying flat in 
the dirt, I aimed at a small square junc- 
tion box on the side of the house. I 
breathed in and breathed out, in and 
out, and the third time, I breathed out 
just halfway, paused and squeezed the 
trigger. There was a cough from the rifle 
and the familiar recoil, and the junction 
box flew open, sparking in the night. 

1 slowly worked the bolt, catching the 
warm spent cartridge in my hand. I 
swung the rifle around to aim at a step- 
down transformer on a utility pole just 
up the street. For good measure I shot 
the transformer three times, and waited. 

‘The house and the garage were dark. 

Thanks to me, they would stay dark 
for the foreseeable future. 


The next morning, yawning and 
tired, I had breakfast at Miriam's store. 
Only a few of the regulars were there, 
and after 1 was done 1 made a show of 
helping Miriam with the dishes. Along 
the way I stepped into the tiny room that 
serves as Pinette's post office and stole a 
form. I went home and typed it up, and 
when I came back to the store for lunch 
and a quick kiss with Miriam in the stor- 
age room, I slipped the form into her 
correspondence to the district office. 

Eric came out to the parking lot to 
give me a progress report. “It's going 
well," he said, grinning. “In fact, it's fun." 

“Cut it out,” I said sharply. "It's a job 
You start enjoying it too much, and you 
lose any sense of professionalism. And 
then you're explaining your life history 
to a lawyer. Got it?” 

He nodded sheepishly. “Gotten.” 

I went home and took a nap. 

Being back at work was tiring. 


A day later I was back in the woods. 

And three shots later Hank’s house 
darkened again. 

1 also took a potshot at his phone junc- 
tion box, just for fun. 


“Two days later I repeated the pattern. 
And for good measure, driving away, 
I stopped at the little wooden bridge 
that was on his road. I got out of my 
truck and poured some gasoline on 
the bridge, and when I drove away, the 
flames of the burning bridge were quite 
bright indeed. 

It was good to feel useful again. 


I was also busy at home, which paid 
off a couple of weeks later. I had been 
spending nights up in the barn, dozing a 
bit at night and then sleeping for hours 
during the day. At the hardware store I 
had bought half a dozen motion-detec- 
tor lamps, the ones that send out in- 
frared light and click оп a floodlight if an 
object of a certain size breaks the beam. I 
had scattered them across the perimeter 
of my property, disconnecting the flood- 
lights but connecting a few other things. 

At night I mostly stayed awake in the 
barn's large cupola, keeping watch, lis- 
tening to the shortwave radio with the 
sound turned low. Most of the slats in the 
cupola had fallen away, giving me a great 
all-around view of the property. I sat in a 
comfortable chair with a blanket across 
my lap and watched the night go by, 
drinking coffee from a Thermos. Га 
watch the slow, giant pinwheel of stars as 
they raised and lowered themselves in 
the black sky. Pd watch the faint sueaks 
of meteors racing through the air and 
the tiny, unwavering dots of light that 
showed satellites cruising by on their. 
ns hundreds of miles up. 

Using my nightscope 1 saw deer, fat- 
tened up by the fall's acorn and apple 
crops, gingerly walking across the yard, 
perhaps knowing in some deep animal 
subconscious that in a few weeks, dur- 
ing hunting season, strange two-legged 
beasts would be trying to kill them. I saw 
raccoons and skunks lumber across my 
lawn, and once a coyote, who stopped 
halfway up my driveway and sat there 
for a few minutes, breathing hard, its 
tongue hanging out like a dog's. 

And then, one night, a little red light 
blinked on the black box by my foot and 
there was a soft chime. I raised my 
nightscope to look down at the shapes 
moving through the shadow trees, and I 
saw that I had large visitors. 

Through the scope, slowly moving in 
а semicircle in the barn's cupola, I spot- 
ted five of them, moving in a loose skir- 
mish line across the field near the river. 

Idiots. No cover. No reconnaissance. 
Just a straight walk in the woods. It 


made me wonder how they trained. 

1 shook my head and picked up my 
gear and started down the ladder. 

"Time for some training lessons. 


There's a special terror to being in 
the woods at night, armed and advanc- 
ing on the enemy, not knowing what is 
out there. Even among the very best 
troops, the most well trained in the 
world, advancing in the woods makes 
hearts race and palms sweat. Never 
knowing if the next step will reach a 
mine, or a trip wire, or a branch-covered 
pit with sharpened stakes at the bottom, 
can accelerate the heartbeat. The very 
best troops move slowly and alertly and 
with great caution through the woods, 
because they realize what might be out 
there, waiting. 

The Arundel County militia was not 
among the most well trained troops in 
the world. 

Even without the unfair advantage 
of my nightscope goggles, I could have 
wrapped them up in under 15 minutes, 
but I was working under restrictions: a 
promise. So the goggles balanced that 
out. I had a nine-millimeter Smith & 
Wesson Model 90 holstered at my side 
and a small knapsack, and when I left 
the barn I made a large, looping excur- 
sion to the river so 1 could approach my 
five trespassers from the rear. 1 watched 
as they advanced, Silly boys. They 
looked to the front, to the left, to the 
right, but they never looked to the rear. 
And why should they? Their target was 
up front. 

Well, their target had other ideas. 


My first hit of the night was an over- 
weight straggler to the far left, huffing 
and puffing, carrying a deer rifle that 
seemed to weigh like cement in his 
pudgy hands. 1 moved quietly up be- 
hind him, hung the nightscope goggles 
around my chest and jumped him. I dug 
my forearm into his throat, choking off 
his breath, and with my right leg I 
kicked out and knocked him down 
‘Then I inserted the end of the muzzle of 
the nine millimeter into the man's mewl- 
ing mouth and said, “Shhh.” 

He quieted down. On my left wrist 
were several lengths of pretorn duct 
tape, and | freed one length and slapped 
it across his mouth after 1 pulled back 
my pistol. “Don’t move, friend,” I said, 
and, reaching into my knapsack, I 
pulled out two sets of the hard plastic re- 
straints that cops love to use when they 
need to hold someone quickly. I bound 
his hands and ankles, rolled him over 
onto his back and tossed his rifle into 
the woods. 

I snuggled up next to him, smelling 
fear and sweat and, yes, urine, and I 
said, “Listen well,” tapping the end of 
my pistol against the side of his head. 


“You just stay here and don’t move and 
look up at the stars and listen to the 
wind. You do anything else, anything at 
all—you move, you roll, you try to make 
а fuss—and ГЇЇ blow your head off. Nod 
if you understand.” 

Anod. He understood. 

I gave him a pat on the shoulder. 
“Thanks,” I said, and went off again. 


Number two tried to put up a fight, 
which delayed me 90 seconds or so. 
Number three said, “John? Is that you, 
John?” and I said, “Guess again” when 1 
got him to the ground. Number four 
said, “Oh Jesus, I give up,” as my hands 
first touched him, and I gained back the 
time I had lost with number two. 

I had saved the best for last. 


Hank Marley knelt by a row of shrub- 
bery adjacent to my driveway, whisper- 
ing something loudly, no doubt to bring. 
in his comrades. Не had on fatigues апа 
a boonie hat, and his head was sweeping 
back and forth, like a hunting dog trying 
to catch a scent. His weapon lay across 
his knees, and I scurried up the drive- 
way, making enough noise for him to 
hear me. 

“Harry, get up here,” he whispered 
back at me. "Where's everybody else?" 

"Sorry, they got tied up,” | said, put- 
ting an arm to his throat. 


I didn't bother with duct tape and I let 
him sit up, leaning against a low piece of 
shrubbery, his wrists and ankles bound. 1 
let him babble as 1 gathered wood I had 
secreted earlier and built a fire. Some- 
where out in my woods an owl hooted. 

I wiped my face with a handkerchief 
and said, “Hank, what are you doing 
here?” 

His thin, intelligent face was scowling. 
“You know damn well what.” 

I shrugged. “Care to explain it to me 
anyway?” 

He used a few choice expletives and 
said, “Damn you, you've ruined my life! 
I haven't had power or phone in over 
а week, my workshop is a mess, 1 have 
to drive six miles out of the way to get 
to town, my mail is being forwarded to 
Anchorage and my credit rating's de- 
stroyed! And you did it!” 

I grinned. Eric had done his job well, 
100. I said, "But Hank, I was doing you a 
favor." 

Even in the firelight I could see the 
disbelicf in his eyes. "A favor? You were 
doing me a favo 

"Sure I was, mil ," I said. 
"You've told me you want to be a free, in- 
dependent man, away from the corrupt 
system and the corrupt government. 
And that's just what I did. I freed you 
from both. The corrupt government 
isn't delivering your mail and hasn't yet 


, Handmade 


D: fer шг 


These. 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOYY 


ТЕСЕ 
ТЕСЕК 


repaired that bridge. And the corrupt 
system isn't entangling you in power, 
phone or credit. You are a free man, 
Hank. Don't you feel better now?” 

“You're crazy!” 

“1 give you everything you've wanted 
in life, and you call me crazy?" 

He swore again. "It's because of that 
woman. And the migrants, right” 

"Sure, but it's more than that," T said. 
“You see, Hank, you ticked me off. I’ve 
retired to this little town. It's the only 
home I've got. Then you and your storm 
troopers started raising a fuss. If all you 
did was shoot in the woods and write 
crayoned letters to your congressman, I 
would have left you alone. But you got 
my attention when you started hurting 
this town, scaring people, disturbing the 
peace. So tonight, we're going to work 
out a deal." 

“We are?” he said, defiant though 
bound. “Tomorrow I’m going straight to 
my lawyer and by the end of this week, 
ТЇЇ own you and this shitty little farm.” 

“That presupposes I'm going to let 
you go, Hank.” 

“You wouldn't dare do anything else." 

“Try me," I said, and I got up and 
kicked out the fire. Then I ran my gar- 
den hose out and sprayed him down, 
and then I went into the house and 
made a cup of tea and read a day-old 
Boston Globe. An hour later I went out in- 
to the cold October night. He was shiv- 
ering, whispering something, and I 
knelt down and said, “Funny thing 
about hypothermia, the minute it arrives 
you start to think you're warming up, 
and that's about the time you're on a 
slippery slope to dying. Shall we start 
talking again?” 

He may have said yes, so I gave him 
the benefit of the doubt and built up a 
fire again, and when he could talk ratio- 
nally, we made a deal. The first part of 
the deal was that all of them would leave 
my property peacefully. That was readily 
agreed to, and, to my surprise, he quick- 
ly agreed to everything else. 

Cold water tends to focus the mind. 


Before he left I decided to fib a bit and 
said, “Just in case you get any more fun 
ideas when you get home and warm up, 
remember one thing: I didn't do this 
alone. I have some friends who are very 
professional at what they do, compared 
to your little boys in the woods. Anything 
untoward happens to me or to Miri- 
am, this night will be a picnic in the 
park compared to what comes next. 
Understood?” 

His eyes were filled with fury, but he 
nodded. “Understood.” 


. 
Back in my barn's cupola I put my ri- 
Пе up to my shoulder, nightscope on and 


silencer attached. I watched Hank slow- 
ly move across the field, with a small 


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Our Playmates—and our readers—enjoyed 
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flashlight and knife in his hands, finding 
his comrades and freeing them. They 
got up, rubbing their wrists and ankles, 
and then gathered their weapons. They 
formed a group and Hank talked to 
them, motioning with his hands. One 
of his comrades seemed to be raising 
а fuss. His arms were flailing. I could 
make out the harsh movements of his 
Дам, and then he violently shook his 
head, grabbed his rifle and started back 
to my place. 

I centered my rifle and pulled the trig- 
ger. It was a great shot, one of my best. I 
nailed the center of his gunstock and 
blew the weapon out of his hands. 

And within a minute or two, my prop- 
erty was empty of trespassers. 


"The next day was Saturday. 1 was daw- 
dling over a second cup of coffee at the 
Pinette General Store and watching Егіс 
behind the counter, helping his mom at 
the cash register. Then I saw him and his 
mother freeze as the door tinkled open. 
I turned to see a group of men come in- 
to the store, all wearing fatigue clothing, 
all members of the Arundel County mili- 
tia, about a dozen of them. Hank was in 
the middle, and he looked at me and 
looked away. 

І returned to my coffee. 

Within ten minutes there was a line of 
militia men at the counter, all of them 
carrying groceries, and the cash register 
soon set up a steady roar, recording sale 
after sale. After they left, Miriam looked 
over at me and I winked. “Сап Eric run 
the place for a while?" 

"Sure, I guess," she sai 

"Let's go for a ride." 

She smiled and undid her store apron. 
“alll right, let's." 


. "What's up?” 


Then we were іп my pickup, parked 
across the street from the building that 
said FERNALD'S DRUGSTORE and was now in 
its new life as the food bank. A line of 
militia men had formed outside, their 
eyes downcast and their feet shuffling in 
embarrassment. I held Miriam's hand 
and she said, “If | weren't seeing it, 1 
wouldn't believe it.” 

“Then believe it,” I said. 

She turned to me, her eyes flashing. 
“You did something, now don't deny it.” 

“All right, I won't deny it.” 

She squeezed my hand tight. “I told 
you I didn't want anyone hurt. I didn't 
want any violence." 

I thought it over and decided that dis- 
comfort, even for an hour, didn't equal 
violence. I said, “I didn’t hurt a soul" 

"Are you sure?" 

I leaned over and kissed her nose. 
“Му dear, 1 always keep my promises.” 

And we sat there for a while, watching 
our county militia do good. 


DAVID SPADE 


(continued from page 68) 
how cute I am. Sophie is beautiful and 
really smart, she’s well educated and well 
traveled, she’s responsible, she’s mature. 
She's nota flaky LA chick. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the kissing 
scenes. 

SPADE: It was the first time Га ever kissed 
anybody on-screen. I was also nervous 
because I didn't know what kind of kiss 
we'd do. I didn't know if we should kiss 
in rehearsal, or just talk about it. I wor- 
ried that she might kiss differently; she's 
French. Is that just a term or is that real- 
ly the way everyone kisses over there? 
Plus, she's done it a million times. I think 
the last guy she made out with was Mel 
Gibson, so I knew I was such a huge step 
down that she might tear a hamstring. 
PLAYBOY: So what did you do? 

SPADE: I said, “When we kiss, what do we 
do?" She said, “Oh, just do it. Whatev- 
er happens. Don’t think about it.” I 
thought, That's even worse—I know I'm 
going to do it wrong somehow. In re- 
hearsal we were walking through block- 
ing and 1 said, "I'm going to be here, 
then I'll probably step up around here 
Then I do this line and you'll come over 
to—" I was going to say, "kiss me,” 
when she grabbed me by the face and 
kissed me. It shocked me and aroused 
my nether regions. I didn't know if I was 
a good kisser. Гуе been told that, but I'm 
not sure if it was bullshit. 

‘The scene was on the last day of shoot- 
ing at the Hollywood Bowl. We had to 
keep doing takes. She'd be really nice in 
the kiss and then, once they said "Cut," 
she'd say, “I didn't like it; les do it 
again.” I was so self-conscious kissing 
her in front of the whole crew. They 
were going, “This is how you kiss a girl? 
You freak. You're doing it all wrong. No 
one kisses like that.” Just tilting heads 
and bonking into each other. She kept 
saying, “Just kiss me. Take your time and 
don't rush it.” Finally, I just decided to 
go for it. I grabbed her face, because 
that's probably what I would have done 
if I hadn't thought about it beforehand. 
I felt the passion. Then the director said, 
“Hey, don’t block her face, she’s the 
star.” 

PLAYBOY: Had she seen any of your earli- 
er work? 

SPADE: She hadn't seen all of Tommy Boy. 
She kept saying, “Oh, I've been meaning 
to watch it with my three-year-old.” 
PLAYBOY: What bugs you most about 
moviemaking? 

SPADE: You have no contact with the out- 
side world. On Lost and Found 1 worked 
16 hours door to door. By the time I got 
home it was too late to call anyone, meet 
up, have dinner. 1 took off my makeup 
and crashed and before I had time to 
think, I was up and at it again. 

Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong 
business, but it's too late now. I don't like 


Don’t jump wakes 
and waves. 
The ride may be 


over a lot sooner 
than you think. 


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bright lights. 1 don't like makeup: 
putting it on or taking it off. The only 
good thing about it is that I gain a pound 
because the makeup bulks up my head. 
I don't like getting up in the cock-a 

doodle dark. And I don't like being on 
location. Aside from the movie, there's 
no upside for me. I fight every step of 
the way and it's really a losing battle. My 
hair is another scandal. I go, "Don't yank 
it out! Don't!” They really can't make 


any usable hairstyle with all my restric- 
tions; I basically let them run a wide- 
toothed comb through it. In Tommy Boy 1 
would. not let anyone touch me, and they 
said, 


You’re going to look like shit in 
"1 said, "Well, let's just hope 


PLAYBOY: Any more ailments you'd like to 
get out of the way while we're feeling 
sorry for you? 

SPADE: I hurt my neck in high school do- 
ing standing backflips in a talent show. 
During a rehearsal my feet missed and I 
landed face first on the stage. I didn’t 
put my hands ош. I knocked four teeth 
loose and jammed my jaw and upper 
palate. I was pouring blood. I cranked 
all my teeth to where they should be and 
just held them. It was so traumatic that it 
still fucks up my jaw. Now, I can’t fly first 
class because of it. 

PLAYBOY: Seriously? 
SPADE: The seats are too nice. They're 
too gooshy and big. My back has to have 
something hard behind it. Straight up 
and down. In coach you sit with your 
feet on the ground straight up and 
down. They're shitty scats but perfect 
for me. 

PLAYBOY: In coach at least you're min- 
gling with your fans. 

SPADE: I sign barf bags all day. People say, 
“What are you doing back hi Idont 
even get into it. I just say, “I like to be 
with the people.” I don't mention my ail- 
ment. Then it starts with, “I don’t want 
to bother you, but—" By the time it's 
out of their mouths it’s too late. 
PLAYBOY: Is it true that most comedians 
are cheap, petty and disagrecable and 
had miserable childhoods that are the 
wellspring of their humor? 

SPADE: Sounds about right. [Smiles] No. I 
don't buy that we're all sad clowns in- 
side. Ет pretty normal. I just do it for 
fun. That's true. I like it because it's hap- 
py. It makes me laugh. Who hasn't had a 
crazy past? Everyone's got their bullshit 
sob story. 

PLAYBOY: Will you at least admit that 
most comics are jealous? 

SPADE: Oh, ycah. When I scc someone 
funny I sometimes get jealous. I go, 
"Fuck, he did it right." Most never do. 
Fred Wolf, my buddy who wrote Tommy 
Воу, said he saw a new guy at some ореп- 
mike night do two jokes—and he got 
superpissed because they were funny. 
The guy said, “I moved out to Los Ange- 
les from Chicago and I overpacked. 
I brought a bunch of Mexicans.” Fred 


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h fuck, that better have been a 
” But the next joke was, “I wrestled 
igh school but I wasn't any good. Га 
usually just give up after I came.” Fred 
went, “Fucker! He knows what he's do- 
ing.” Fred's reaction was, "Give me that 
joke!” You wish you'd thought of it. On 
the other hand, it’s nice to know some- 
опе out there thinks the way you do. 
Sandler, Rock, Farley and me, we're all 
in the same place. I also like stuff that 
isn't tried-and-true funny. Already certi- 
fied. Butit can be a problem. At a movie 
test screening, the execs want to yank 
any joke that isn't the norm or doesn't 
kill. You go, "Guys, when is the next 
wave of comedy coming? You have to 
give them something they don't know 
about and let it seep in, and see if they 
buy it. Like Stripes or Bill Murray singing 
Star Wars. You don't know why it's funny 
until later.” 

PLAYBOY: It has to percolate into the mass 
consciousness. 

SPADE: That's the toughest argument T 
have. The stuff that makes you and your 
buddies laugh will eventually make 
someone else laugh. I'm a true believ- 
er in that. And when it works it's the 
biggest score. But you get into troubie 
when you're a laugh whore, always go- 
ing for the gut laugh. A gut laugh comes 
almost for sure from something you've 
seen a version of before. With something 
new it takes a second before you go, 
“Oh, I like that. That's the joke? That's 
great." 

PLAYBOY: Are there certain jokes you 
cant make? Are there routines that are 
off-limits? 

SPADE: Comedy killers: Gay jokes. Ethnic 


— 

сит / еурердеңсі 

MENS TECHNICAL 
DIFFICULTIES. 


PLEASE STAND 


ms 


С\ 


jokes, AIDS jokes. Lady Di jokes. Recent 
tragedies are tough to get away with. 
Jon-Benet's another one that's a tough 
sell. I say, "She's cute, but average. She's 
talented. Not a stunner. She's not that 
hot without the makeup.” Even my mom 
laughed, but she told me she hated to. 
Then I go on about Jon-Benet's mom 
exhuming her body. “The rumor is that 
the police had to exhume her body last 
year because her mom wanted to change 
her outfit. She was having second 
thoughts about the sequined hat and 
wanted to try the red one.” 

PLAYBOY: That's tough stuff. 

SPADE: But I'm making fun of the par- 
ents, not saying anything bad about the 
innocent kid. Another one that would be 
a tough sell is that the Olsen twins are 
just this side of fuckable. 1 saw them on 
ТУ the other day. Ooh la la. Put them to- 
gether and they're legal. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of your material comes 
from real life. Where are you when you 
get your best ideas? 

SPADE: In the shower, driving, or right 
before I go to sleep. All places where my 
mind wanders. А lot of it is in the in- 
flection and the delivery, so if I'm driv- 
ing, instead of trying to write it down, I 
call my house and leave the joke on my 
phone machine, call again and listen, 
and keep working on it. 

PLAYBOY: This seems like а nice place 
to stop. Is there anything you want to say 
10 your fans, particularly those who've 
just discovered you? 

SPADE: Yeah. I'm 12 years into this. 
Where were you? 


AN ИП 

BASEBALL PREVIEW 

(continued from page 128) 
much-needed experience behind the 
plate. But, even on a team that was last 
in the league in walks, leadoff man Brian 
Hunter (with an on-base percentage of 
298) was terrible, scoring only 67 runs 
in 142 games. The pitching? Justin 
Thompson (11-15, 4.05) and Brian 
Moebler (14-13, 3.90) may become pre- 
miere hurlers. Willie Blair, who had 
lousy run support last year with Arizona 
and New York, will be happier back in 
Detroit. The pen looks decent with Doug 
Brocail, Sean Runyan and 1997% num- 
ber one drafi pick Matt Anderson (who 
was clocked at 103 mph last September). 
The Tigers are improving, but this will 
be a critical year if the team hopes to be 
competitive in its new stadium— 
will appropriately have a carousel—next 
season 

Owner Jerry Reinsdorf has taken the 
White Sox down-market. By not re-sign- 
ing third baseman Robin Ventura and 
letting Albert Belle go, Reinsdorf cut the 
payroll below $30 million. But he claims 
he's giving the fans what they want: a 
bunch of “young, hustling players they 
can relate to.” The Sox have the AL's 
youngest team. The pitching staff— 
worst in the majors last year—figures to 
be better. Top starter James Baldwin 
went 10-3 after the All-Star break, and 
youngsters Mike Sirotka, Jim Parque 
and John Snyder looked good as well, 
helping the Sox finish with a 45-31 sec- 
ond half. But any strides made in pitch- 
ing will be offset by the loss of Belle and 
Ventura. The Sox are counting on a bet- 
ter season from Frank Thomas, whose 
average tumbled to .265 after winning 
the 1997 batting crown, and a break- 
through year from former minor-league 
player of the year Paul Konerko, who 
may play first. The middle infield is solid 
offensively, with All-Star second base- 
man Ray Durham (.285, 19 HRs) and 
surprising shortstop Mike Caruso (.306). 
The Sox also have a splendid utilitym: 
in Craig Wilson, who hit .468 last year, 
but there are a lot of holes to fill in the 
lineup. In a weak division, the best the 
Sox can hope for is a credible finish. 

In 1988, the Twins became the first AL. 
team to draw 3 million fans. This year 
they'll be lucky to draw a million. Hop- 
ing to cut his losses on the balance sheet, 
‘Twins owner Carl Poblad ordered a ра: 
roll purge. There wasn’t much to purge; 
last year the Twins had baseball's 25th 
lowest payroll, The team even cut back 
organist Ronnie Newman from playing 
81 home games to 29. So who remains 
to soldier on at the Metrodome? A few 
affordable vets such as former 20- 
game winner Brad Radke, catcher Тегі 
Steinbach and reliever Mike Trombley. 
There's also infielder Todd Walker 
(.316), outfielder Matt Lawton (.278, 21 
HRs) and several decent prospects, all of 


whom шау be playing elsewhere soon. 
With dwindling fan support and no 
backing for a new stadium, the Twins 
could be heading south. 

‘The Royals were bad in 1998 and fig- 
ure to be worse in 1999. During the off- 
season they lost their two main bats— 
Dean Palmer and Jose Offerman (.315, 
45 SBs)—along with their two best 
starters—Tim Belcher and Pat Rapp— 
who combined for 26 of the rotation's 55 
wins. These losses will be tough to over- 
come, because the Royals scored the sec- 
ond fewest runs in the AL last season 
while giving up the second most. With 
a popgun lineup that will include on- 
ly three players with more than eight 
homers last season (Jeff King, Johnny 
Damon and Mighty Joe Randa), the 
Royals will have a tough time avoiding 
100 losses. Prospects Carlos Febles, Car- 
los Beltran and Jeremy Giambi offer 
a glimmer of hope, but this franchisc is 
in trouble. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST 


When injuries finally caught up with 
the Angels last season, the team went in- 
to its annual nosedive, going 9-15 in 
September. This year the pressure will 
be on GM Bill Bavasi to play his cards 
better. Disney did its part by signing first 
baseman Mo Vaughn (.337, 40 HRs, 115 
RBI with Boston) to a six-year, $80 mil- 
lion deal, but the team still needs pitch- 
ing. The starting rotation is old, which is 
why Anaheim was last in the AL with on- 
ly three complete games. Chuck Finley 
did a great job (3.39 in 223% innings), 
but at 36 һе may not have much left. The 
Halos signed 37-year-old Tim Belcher 
(who gave up a league-leading 37 
homers with KC last season) to eat up 
some innings, but they need a strong 
season from Ken Hill (9-6, 4.98) and 
help from 24-year-old lefty Jarrod Wash- 
burn (6-3, 4.62) or minor-leaguer Scott 
Schoeneweis. The outfield is impressive, 
with Tim Salmon (.300, 26 HRs) and 
Darin Erstad (.296, 20 SBs). Jim Ed- 
monds (.307, 25 HRs) or Garret Ander- 
son will probably be traded. Watch for 
third-base phenom Troy Glaus, who hit 
35 homers in the minors in 1998. The 
Angels are unpredictable, but if Bavasi 
swings the right trade, they can take the 
AL West. 

The Rangers’ biggest problem is hav- 
ing to play in Texas in summer. The 
team went 24-30 in June and July. 
Catcher Ivan Rodriguez, who had a 
slugging percentage of .618 in May, 
slugged .374 in June. Juan Gonzalez hit 
.257 in June, the only month he slugged 
under .600, but still managed to drive іп 
101 runs at the break (two shy of Hank 
Greenberg's 1935 record). Johnny Oates 
plans to bat Gonzalez third and new 
addition Rafael Palmeiro (43 HRs, 121 
RBI with Baltimore) cleanup. What can 
you say about Pudge Rodriguez? He hit 
321 and led the majors by throwing out 


56.3 percent of would-be base stealers. 
There's plenty more offense with Rusty 
Greer, Lee Stevens and phenom Ruben 
Mateo. But the Rangers are weak on the 
mound—their team ERA (4.99) was 
third worst in the AL. Rick Helling and 
Aaron Sele, who were helped in 1998 by 
strong run support, won't combine for 
39 wins this year. And Mark Clark (9-14, 
4.84 last year with the Cubs) won't in- 
spire any comparisons to Bob Gibson. 
Texas’ success this year will ride on what- 
ever pitching they can trade for. 


In his heyday with the Royals and 
Cardinals, Whitey Herzog enjoyed a 
well-deserved reputation as the best 
manager in the bigs. He parted ways 
with the Cards in 1990, and, after 
a stint in the Angels front office, 
stepped away from the game. Now 
he's back. With his insightful new book, 
You're Missin’ a Great Game (Simon & 
Schuster), Whitey offers hope for 
baseball's future. We asked Herzog 
for his take on the state of the game. 

Q: Which players impress you 
most today? 

A: Guys like Derek Jeter and Alex 
Rodriguez. Look at their age and 
what they've done. They're super 
players. And then there's McGwire, 
Sosa, Griffey, Barry Bonds. Bonds 
has always known how to play the 
game. He's in that Kaline-Maris 
mold in terms of fundamentally play- 
ing the game right. Barry never 
makes mental mistakes. 

Q: How weak is pitching today? 

A: When I was managing, if you 
had an ERA over 5.00 by June, you 
were out of the rotation. Now, you sce 
a lot of starters with high ERAs, And 
you don't see many hard throwers 
anymore. You have maybe 390 pitch- 
ers in the majors today and I bet fans 
can't name 25 of them. 

Q: What managers do you like? 

A: It's a money game today. If you 
give a manager an $85 million pay- 
roll, his team will be in the playoffs. 
But the managers with small payrolls 
are often the ones doing the best jobs. 
Look at Art Howe in Oakland, Gene 
Lamont in Pittsburgh or Felipe Alou 
in Montreal. Those guys do great 
jobs, but they don't get the recogni- 
tion. Jim Riggleman also did a great 
job last year. 

Q: Are there more injuries now? 

A: No more than before. But today, 
you have X-ray machines in the club- 
house, and you have MRIs, so you 
find more injuries. And you have 
malpractice suits and agents telling 
players not to play unless they feel 


Dugout: Whitey Herzog 


With a 1998 opening day roster that 
featured two of the game's stars—Ken 
Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez—and five 
other recent All-Stars, the Mariners 
seemed set to defend the division title. 
But an early bullpen meltdown steered 
the Mariners off course, and by mid-May 
they slipped below .500, where they lan- 
guished for the rest of the year. General 
manager Woody Woodward added to 
the calamity with his botched 11th-hour 
trade of Randy Johnson. Woodward's 
off-season dealings haven't drawn raves, 


good. I'm sure if you asked Bob Gib- 
son, he'd tell you he never felt 100 
percent when he pitched. Guys used 
to be reluctant to sit out a game. A lot 
of guys play hurt today, but not as 
many as before. There aren't as many 
good players in the minors to take 
their places. 

Q: How would you rank the 1998 
Yankees? 

A: The Yanks arc the only tcam іп 
the majors with ten top pitchers. 
Look at Irabu. He had a hell ofa year 
and he didn't even pitch in the post- 
season. They're as deep as the 1969 
Mets and some of the great Oakland 
staffs. And you have to give the Yanks’ 
international scouting a lot of credit. 

Q: What will Rupert Murdoch 
mean to the game? 

A: I'm sure within two years the 
Dodgers will have а $105 million pay- 
roll. What I wonder, if you're an own- 
er in the National League West, why 
would you let Murdoch in? Look at 
Colorado. They sell out the house 
every night, but they can't compete 
with that kind of money. 

Q: How important do you think 
team chemistry is? 

A: When I used to get asked about 
team chemistry, I'd say our chemistry 
isn't very good, but neither is our 
arithmetic or our geometry. I think 
it's one of the most overrated things 
in baseball. Team chemistry is always 
good when you're winning and al- 
ways bad when you're losing. When 
you win, the manager communicates 
well. When you lose, the manager 
doesn't communicate. 

Q: What do you see happening if 
the game's economic problems aren't 
addressed? 

A: If we continue to play under the 
present rules—if the local TV and ca- 
ble TV revenue isn't divided—then 
you could see three or four teams go 
under, and you'd have 100 ballplay- 
ers looking for jobs. I hope that 
doesn't happen, but maybe that has 
to happen to wake everybody up. 


159 


The Money Game 


“The race is not always to the swift, 
nor the battle to the strong, but that’s 
the way to bet.” —DAMON RUNYON 


There have always been rich and 
poor teams. But the gulf has never 
been wider. In the past year, we've 
seen the creation of a third tier, teams 
so dominant they preclude other 
teams’ chances. The Yankees had an 
estimated $175 million in revenue 
last season, while the Expos took in 
$35 million. And the Yanks finished 
at 11448, the Expos at 65-97. 

Last season, 23 teams finished 
nine or more games out. Historically, 
big-city teams have dominated the 
game, but teams in smaller cities still 
had chances to win. That's no longer 
the case. Franchises such as Kansas 
City, Montreal and Pittsburgh don't 
stand a chance to win. Ever. 

Surprisingly, teams at the bottom 
turn a profit. The Marlins, for exam- 
ple, appear to have made more mon- 
cy in 1998 than they did in 1997, 
when they won the World Series. If 
you can’t win with a $35 million pay- 
roll, why not pay your team $15 mil- 
lion and make a buck? Minnesota has 
already conceded it can't win in 1999 
and announced it will cut last year’s 
$25 million payroll in half. 

No more will we sce the likes ofthe 
1994 Expos -teams constructed with 
scouting, astute evaluation of talent, 
foresight and dumb luck, teams good 
enough to win before arbitration and 
free agency made the talent too ex- 
pensive for their markets. 

ТУ has changed the nature of the 
business. The superteams no longer 
have to be profit centers. Five years 
ago, a team needed luxury boxes to 
survive. These days you need a re- 
gional sports network to play with the 
big boys. Now it's the Yankees and 
MSG, or the Dodgers and Fox, or the 
Braves and Time Warner, or the Cubs 
and the Tribune Co., or the Angels 
and Disney. 

"The agents know where the money 
is. More than three quarters of the 
cash given to free agents in the off- 
season came from Los Angeles, Bal- 
timore, Arizona, the Yankees, Ana- 
heim, Texas, Atlanta and the Mets. 
Because they are smarter than base- 
ball management, agents will contin- 
ue to dominate. Scott Boras cracks 
the whip with J.D. Drew and amazes 
everyone with the Kevin Garnett-size 
contract he gets for Kevin Brown. 
This isn't a good era for baseball ex- 
ecutives, Brown signs with Los Ange- 
les for $105 million for seven years 
even though there were reportedly 


no other offers higher than Colora- 
do’s $81 million, six-year bid. The 
Mariners give Jose Mesa a two-year, 
$6.5 million deal, while the only oth- 
er reported offer was San Francisco's 
$3.6 million, two-year bid. 

How much higher can salaries go? 
"They haven't yet attained Hollywood 
levels. Six years ago, Barry Bonds’ 
$44 million contract shocked people. 
Maybe in a few years Kevin Brown's 
deal will look reasonable. 

Can the game level the disparity? 
The luxury tax—the great achicvc- 
ment of the last strike—is a joke. On- 
ly five teams were taxed last year: The 
Orioles paid $3.1 million, Boston 
$2.2 million, the Yankees $684,000, 
Atlanta $496,000 and Los Angeles 
$50,000. Montreal reportedly pocket- 
ed the money it received and showed 
a profit. 

Bascball can let the market run its 
course. Have a franchise or two go 
bankrupt. Let there be relocations 
from Montreal to Virginia or Min- 
nesota to Charlotte. But there aren't 
many good markets left. The owners 
can hope to continue to enlist even 
dumber new owners. 

Unfortunately, the most likely ad- 
justment will come in the form of a la- 
bor fix. Unable to restrain themselves 
from spending awesome amounts оп 
middling talent, owners will ask some- 
one to stop them before they kill 
again. So enjoy this golden era of 
baseball while it lasts. Inspired by the 
NBA's success in driving a salary сар, 
baseball owners will force a lockout 
when the basic agreement expires at 
the end of the 2001 season. That 
gives us three more seasons before 
we'll again be reading about Donald 
Fehr rather than Rusty Greer. 

"Тһе smartest thing Bud Selig has 
done as commissioner has been to ap- 
point Sandy Alderson as executive 
vice president of baseball operations. 
If we're lucky, Alderson will be com- 
missioner someday. Things look bleak, 
but Alderson isn't bummed: "I'm not 
discouraged for one reasoi 
PLAYBOY. “For years dispari 
cussed in terms of economic loss and 
never really got to the question of 
competitiveness. Not many people 
want to hcar about cconomic issucs. 
But people do care about whether 
their team wins or loses. We've gotten 
to the crux of the matter: the inabili- 
ty of clubs to compete on the field. 
‘That's encouraging, because we've 
suipped away all the rhetoric and 
we're looking at the reality of what 
this system has created." 


either. Going into the M's debut season 
at Safeco Field, Woodward added two 
guys named Butch (Henry and Huskey), 
and a Mabry and a Mieske (John and 
Matt). That adds up to a stronger bench, 
but the Mariners still look short on arms. 
The rotation is questionable beyond Jeff 
Fassero and Jamie Moyer, and new clos- 
er Jose Mesa gave up three bases-loaded 
walks in eight days with the Giants last 
year. The Mariners are high on two 
pitching prospects, right-hander Gil 
Meche and 6710” lefty Ryan "Young 
Unit” Anderson, but both are probably 
a year away. Looks like manager Lou 
Piniella will have another stressed-out 
summer. 

The Athletics are on the upswing. Art 
Howe leads a well-coached team with 
plenty of exceptional young hitters: 
1998 AL Rookie of the Year Ben Grie- 
ve, likely 1999 Rookie of the Year Eric 
Chavez and first baseman Jason Giambi. 
Matt Stairs can hitand Ryan Christenson 
may be the best defensive center fielder 
in the league. But the pitching has a 
ways to go. Last year it was Kenny Rog- 
ers and pray for rain. Tom Candiotti gets 
his innings but contributes little else. 
The А5 will need improvement from 
Jimmy Haynes and help from some of 
their minor-league pitchers, especially 
Mark Mulder. There’s enough potential 
here that if general manager Billy Beane 
pulls off a good trade for Rogers this sea- 
son, the A’s could soon make things in- 
teresting for Texas and Anaheim. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST 


‘The Braves won 106 games last year, 
but couldn't score a run when it mat 
tered. Determined to improve its of- 
fense, the team signed Cards right field- 
er Brian Jordan (.316, 25 HRs) to a 
modest five-year, $40 million contract 
and swapped starter Denny Neagle for 
Reds Gold Glove second baseman Bret 
Boone. That means Panamanian sensa- 
tion Bruce Chen will start, which puts 
pressure on number four starter Kevin 
Millwood. But why worry about your 
four and five guys when your top three 
starters are Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine 
and John Smoltz? Maddux hasn't had ап 
ERA above 3.00 since a Republican was 
in the White House. All five starters won 
at least 16 games last year. The Braves 
are vulnerable in the pen, though, as 
Mark Wohlers’ collapse revealed. Chip- 
per Jones (.313, 34 HRs, 107 RBI) and 
Andruw Jones (.271, 31 HRs, 90 ЕБІ) 
keep getting better. But Atlanta will miss 
the Big Cat. Look for them to pull off a 
big trade. 

"The Mets almost made the postseason 
last year, but the team managed only sev- 
еп runs in its final 44 innings. Other 
than John Olerud (.354) and Mike Piaz- 
za (.348 in 109 games with the Mets), 
there wasn't much offense. To score 
more runs, the club signed Piazza to a 
seven-year, $91 million deal (less than 


what he turned down from the Dodgers, 
who offered a six-year, $84 million con- 
tract) and shelled out $32 million for 
third baseman Robin Ventura. The Mets 
also obtained 40-year-old Rickey Hen- 
derson, who stole 66 bases for Oakland 
last season. Pitching was shored up when 
the team dropped another $32 million 
to keep Al Leiter (the best behind-in-the- 
count pitcher in the bigs last season). 
Rick Reed is an underrated starter (16- 
11, 3.48, 29 walks in 212% innings), but 
the rest of the rotation is suspect. The 
Mets hope for a revival by Hideo Nomo 
(6-12, 4.92), but hitters have learned to 
lay off his split finger, accounting for his 
94 walks. John Franco, who blew eight. 
saves last усаг, will be helped by the ad- 
dition of flamethrower Armando Beni- 
tez (87 Ks in 68% innings at Baltimore) 
The most significant addition this season 
may be the five rows of premium seats 
behind home plate at Shea. At $150 a 
pop, they'll help pay Piazza's salary. 

It’s hard to believe the Phillies were 
in the wild-card hunt at the All-Star 
break. The wheels came off in the sec- 
ond half, when the team went 32-45. 
Veterans Stadium—already home of the 
smallest hot dogs and the loudest boos 
in baseball—suffered further ignominy 
when two fans filed a lawsuit charging 
short pours on beer. On the field this 
year there may not be much improve- 
ment. Offseason additions Chad Орса, 
34-year-old Ron Gant and Jeff Brantley 
won't take anybody to the promised 
land. The oft-injured pitching staff 
could be politely described as uneven: 
Tyler Green has a career ERA of 5.16. 
Carlton Loewer—the Phils’ best young 
pitcher—outdid that last year with a 6.09 
ERA. The Phillies have three legit stars 
in Curt Schilling, Scott Rolen and Bobby 
Abreu. Rolen improved on his freshman 
numbers, hitting .290 with 31 homers. 
Abreu hit .312 and led the majors with a 
427 average with runners in scoring po- 
sition. But the Phillies will have to decide 
soon whether to trade Schilling. If they 
keep him they could get lucky and win 
85 games. If they trade him for pros- 
pects, they could lose 100. 

It's a familiar refrain in Quebec: good 
young players, a great manager and a 
franchise hanging by a thread. Amazing 
93-year-old Vladimir Guerrero (.324, 38. 
HRs) will win multiple MVPs. If Rondell 
White could stay healthy (in six seasons, 
only once has he played more than 130 
games), he'd be a great center fielder. 
Vladimir's brother Wilton (.284) started 
to show signs in 1998 of living up to his 
potential. Pitching is improving for the 
Expos, but beyond Dustin Hermanson 
(14-11, 3.13) and Carl Pavano (who had 
the honor of giving up Mark McGwire’s 
70th homer on a 96 mph fastball), the 
rotation is unproven. The bullpen is an- 
chored by the best unknown closer—and 
best two-strike pitcher—in the game, 


Ugueth Urbina (34 saves, 37 hits in 69% 
innings). But if the latest financing plan 
doesn't pan out—say it ain't so—it could 
be Adieu, mon Youppi. 

After Connie Mack broke up his cham- 
pionship Philadelphia Athletics in 1915, 
his team finished in last place for seven 
straight seasons. Things aren't that bad 
for the Marlins. GM Dave Dombrowski 
has put together the deepest farm sys- 
tem in baseball. New owner John Hen- 
ry should help things along. With first 
baseman Derrek Lee, third baseman 
Mike Lowell (acquired from the Yankees 
in February) and outfielders Cliff Floyd, 
Mark Kotsay and Todd Dunwoody, the 
offense is promising. And it will be fun to 
watch rookie shortstop Alex Gonzalez 
this season. Florida’s young pitching has 
the rest of the league drooling. Jesus 
Sanchez, a hard-throwing 24-year-old 
lefty, struck out 137 batters in 173 in- 
nings last year. In the minors there's A.J 
Burnett and Geoff Goetz. Wait till next 
year for those guys. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL 


When the Astros outfoxed everybody 
to get Randy Johnson at the trading 
deadline last year, they seemed headed 
for the World Series. Johnson did his 
part, winning 10 of his 11 starts. Hous- 
ton went 55-26 at home last season, sec- 
опа best in the NL. And they cleaned up 
in their own division, going 38-18. But 
Houston's offense—which led the NL in 
runs scored—cooled at the end of the 
season. They're back for another run. In 
Craig Biggio, Houston has an incredi- 
ble leadoff hitter. Even though Biggio 
walked only 64 times, he scored 123 
runs. Jeff Bagwell started slow last year 
but hit .328 after the break. His off year 
was offset by Moises Alou (.312, 38 HRs). 
Derek Bell (.314, 108 RBI) and Carl 
Everett are nothing to sneeze at, either. 
And the Astros brought back Ken Ca- 
miniti with a two-year contract, which 
should make this intense team even 
more hyper. Shane Reynolds (19-8, 
3.51) and Mike Hampton (11-7, 3.36) 
have matured as starters and Jose Lima 
(16-8, 3.70, with only 32 walks in 233% 
innings) made Texans forget about 
Darryl Kile. Everybody wants 23-year- 
old right-hander Scott Elarton (40 hits 
allowed in 57 innings last year), but he'll 
be in the rotation if Chris Holt isn't. The 
middle relief is thin, but Billy Wagner— 
after taking a liner off the pumpkin— 
came back to finish with 30 saves and 97 
Ks in 60 innings. Even with Alou's in- 
jury, the Astros look to have the edge in 
the Central. 

Mark McGwire's home runs weren't 
enough to prevent the Cardinals’ sec- 
ond straight disappointing season. Af- 
ter an off-season overhaul, the Redbirds 
begin the year with only two starters 
returning from last opening day. Eric 
Davis—who hit .327 and slugged .589 


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PLAYBOY 


162 


last year in Baltimore—was brought in 
to replace Brian Jordan. J.D. Drew takes 
over for Ron Gant in left. Drew, who 
showed a convincing amount of power 
last season, is the morning-line rookie 
of the year. With steady Ray Lankford 
(31 HRs, 105 RBI) in center, the Cards 
could have one of baseball's best out- 
fields. The infield is improved with the 
addition of shortstop Edgar Renteria, 
who will shore up a defense that com- 
mitted the second most errors in the 
league last year. McGwire isn't likely to 
top last year’s 70-homer season (nor his 
1759 slugging average), but he'll reach 
the 500-homer plateau this year. The 
Cardinals will contend for the division ti- 
tle if their pitching comes together. The 
bullpen is vastly improved with the ad- 
dition of Scott Radinsky and Ricky Bot- 
talico. Matt Morris looks solid atop a 
rotation that needs strong years from 
Darren Oliver, Kent Mercker and Dono- 
van Osborne. If they come through and 
either Manny Aybar or Jose Jimenez 
emerges as a dependable starter, this 
could be the Cards’ year. 

The Cubs managed an amazing turn- 
around last year as they went from a 
league-worst record to their first post- 
season appearance since 1989. They 
pulled off 49 come-from-behind wins 
(24 in their last at bat). They got big 
years from Rod Beck, Mickey Moran- 
dini, Mark Grace and pickups Glenal- 


Jen Hill and Gary Gaetti. And then, of 
course, there were the marquee men— 
MVP Sammy Sosa and Rookie of the 
Year Kerry Wood. After a 20-strikeout 
performance against Houston (in only 
his fifth big-league start), Wood proved 
he wasn’t a one-hit wonder by going 
13-6 with 233 Ks in 166% innings. Не al- 
so held opponents to a league-low .196 
average. And then there was Sammy, 
blowing kisses and heart-tapping his way 
into a ücker-tape parade. Can he hit 66 
homers again? Don't count on it—but 45 
HRs and 130 RBI seem plausible. The 
Cubs will need every bit of it. Sammy— 
who whiffed 345 times in the past two 
seasons—may have to carry the team. 
This year’s bunch will be the league's 
oldest squad. If Wood stays healthy, the 
starting rotation will be the Cubs’ strong 
suit. Kevin Tapani (19-9) and slowpoke 
Steve Trachsel (15-8) should be steady 
again. The pen, however, looks shaky. A 
league-high 449 relief appearances took 
its toll last year and the problems will 
carry over. Injuries and declining per- 
formances could return mediocrity to 
Wrigley. 

“Watching Atlanta play Cincinnati 
now,” writes The Cincinnati Enquirer's 
Paul Daugherty, “is like watching the 
U.S. go to war with Switzerland.” It’s the 
only franchise that doesn't have games 
on free TV. Despite the valiant efforts of 
GM Jim Bowden, the Reds’ near future 


“Yes, there is sex after marriage. However, that doesn’t mean 
you still can't have sex with each other.” 


looks murky. He's stockpiled outfielders 
and will probably wait until July 31— 
now the most important trading time of 
the year—to swap Greg Vaughn and 
Denny Neagle for a boatload of pros- 
pects. There are good signs: Brett 
‘Tomko walked only 64 men in 210% in- 
nings last year. A slimmed-down Dmitri 


* September 12: The Phillies 
trounce the Pirates 13-4 in Veter- 
ans Stadium. Philadelphia took a 
10-0 lead before making an out 
in the fourth. In the fifth, Phillies 
center fielder Doug Glanville was 
called out by umpire Brian Gib- 
bons on a close play at first. Im- 
mediately after the out, the 
Phillies’ in-game entertainment 
department played Foreigner’s 
Double Vision over the stadium 
speakers. When the half-inning 
ended, crew chief Ed Montague 
went into the Phillies dugout and 
called Philadelphia GM Ed Wade 
in his private box, telling him he 
didn't care for such expressions of 
musical opinion. The Phan-o-Vi- 
sion staff claimed they weren't 
mocking anybody—they played 
Double Vision because the next 
batter, Alex Arias, had already hit 
three doubles in the game. 


Young (.310, 83 RBI, 48 doubles) is solid 
(so to speak) at the plate. Barry Larkin 
will stick around. Center fielder-in-wait- 
ing Mike Cameron played well in winter 
ball. And Danny Graves (2-1, 3.32, 8 
saves) looks promising as the closer. But 
will somebody wake up skipper Jack Mc- 
Keon? This is supposed to be а young, 
hustling team. McKeon rarely used the 
hit-and-run and called only seven pitch- 
outs last season. 

Milwaukee's return to the National 
League was less than auspicious. The 
Brewers started off with a head of steam, 
going 16-8 in April. But in the NL only. 
the Marlins had more losses in the sec- 
ond half. This year won't be much bet- 
ter. Milwaukee has some good оће; 
players—third baseman Jeff Ci 
(.321, 194 hits), second baseman Fernan- 
do Vina (.311, 198 hits), unheralded 
right fielder Jeromy Burnitz (38 HRs, 
125 RBI)—but plenty of question marks. 
Can Sean Berry deliver as an everyday 
first baseman? Can Aussie Dave Nilsson 
handle the wear and tear behind the 
plate (he caught only seven games last 
year)? Will infelder Ron Belliard actual- 
ly be as good as he looks? 15 there а 
prayer for the starting pitching? The 
ERA for Milwaukee's starters, 5.01, was 
third worst in the league last year. Brew- 
ers' pitchers coughed up 12 homers to 
Sammy Sosa and four (or was it five?) to 


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Mark McGwire. The Brews don't look 
like they'll be ready to compete when 
Miller Park opens next April. 

After winning fans as overachievers іп 
1997, the Pirates returned to earth last 


year. They closed the season losing 25 of 


their last 30 games and finished with 
their worst record in 12 years. Тһе Bucs 
were dragged down by a weak offense 
that scored the second fewest runs in 
the league. Off-season additions Brant 
Brown and Brian Giles should provide 
more punch. They'll team with right 
fielder Jose Guillen (who's gone from 
Clemente clone to trade bait in one sea- 
son) to give the Pirates a solid if unspec- 
tacular outfield. But they'll again lack 
power. All-Star catcher Jason Kendall 
(327, 26 SBs) is solid, as is the starting 
rotation led by Francisco Cordova and 
Jason Schmidt. The Pirates vill be better 
this year, but they'll be lucky to win as 
many as they lose. The future hinges on 
prospects such as Aramis Ramirez, Chad 
Hermansen and Warren Morris. 
NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST 

Can't sleep? Watch a Dodgers game. 
Los Angeles was terrible last year, hitting 
а soporific .236 with runners in scoring 
position. The team didn't win more than 
four in a row all season. New manag- 
er Davey Johnson will have his hands 
full with a locker room of prima don- 
nas. Kevin Brown will be very good in 
Dodger Stadium—the toughest park in 
the majors to score runs in—but he'll 
pitch for a lousy defensive team that 
doesn’t score runs even on the road. 
Brown has thrown some 800 innings 
over the past three years, so it's unlikely 
he'll have the stuff for his third straight 
World Series. Chan Ho Park (15-9, 
3.71), Ismael Valdes (8-2 and 2.05 at 
home) and Carlos Perez (3.24 in 11 
games in Cali) are impressive, but the 
Dodgers miss injured Ramon Martinez. 
Gary Sheffield, who made more money 
last year than Pittsburgh's entire team, 
drove in just 85 runs. That's not much 
for a big bopper, but it was only the third 
time in 11 major-league seasons he's 
driven in more than 78 runs. Sheff will 
move to left this season so Raul Mondesi 
can return to right. And 36-year-old De- 
von White—who this year will pass Babe 
Ruth in career strikeouts—will play cen 
ter. If catcher Todd Hundley's elbow 
can't take the daily grind, the Dodgers 
will look to rookie Angel Pena (.335 in 
AA). One prospect remaining from Tom- 
my Lasorda's purge is 21-year-old third 
baseman Adrian Beltre, who tore up the 
Dominican winter league. Тһе Dodgers 
will win in a weak МІ. West, but won't go 
far in October. 

The Rockies’ new manager, Jim Ley- 
land, says Coors Field is the "most beau- 
tiful ugliest place" he's ever seen. The 
Rockies’ top two starters, Darryl Kile and 
Pedro Astacio, know how ugly things can 


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get in Denver. Last year they had airy 
home ERAs of 6.22 and 7.39. Of course, 
opposing hurlers don't fare any better. 
And, just as the arena-ball park makes 
pitchers look bad, it makes hitters look 
awesome. The Rockies hit 325 at home 
last year, but had the league's second- 
worst offense on the road. The pitching, 
on the other hand, held up away from 
Denver, posting a 4.23 ERA. We look for 
young starters Jamey Wright and John 
Thomson to improve, and expect a bet- 
ter year from Kile, too. We're not sure, 
though, what to anticipate from Asta- 
cio—last year, he led the league in runs, 
earned runs and home runs allowed. If 
the Rockies are to better last year's 
77-85 record, they'll need more produc- 
tion from Mike Lansing and Larry Walk- 
ег, and more of the same from Vinny 
Castilla (46 HRs, 144 RBI), Todd Helton 
(25 HRs, 97 RBI) and Dante Bichette 
(22 HRs, 122 RBI). Walker did hit .363, 
good enough for the NL batting title, 
but a sore elbow held him to only 23 
HRs and 67 ЕБІ. The Rockies will open 
with the same lineup they ended with 
last season, but have faith in Leyland. 
Owner Jerry McMorris points to "a lot of 
theories that say a manager can mean 
ten games." We'll go along with that and 
expect the Rockies to contend for the 
wild card. 

Dusty Baker's team did it again last 
year. After being left for dead, the Giants 
went on a 9-2 streak to end the year. If 
the Giants hadn't blown a 7-0 lead іп 
Colorado on the last day of the season, 
they wouldn't have had to play (and lose. 
to) the Cubs in a 163rd-game tiebreaker. 
But the Giants could have a tough time 
matching up with the rest of the NL 
West in their final scason at Candlestick. 
Sure, there's Barry Bonds (ho hum: 
.303, 120 runs, 37 HRs, 122 RBI, 28 
SBs), but the rest of the team has us 
scratching our heads. How is this the 
second-best offense in the NL? (Hint: 
San Francisco led the majors in walks.) 
Тен Kent had his second strong year in a 
том. Despite missing a month, he drove 
in 128 runs, leading the NL with ten sac- 
rifice fli nderrated third baseman 
Bill Mueller hit .294 and scored 93 runs. 
Good-glove-no-hit first baseman J.T. 
Snow (.248, 15 HRs) managed to drive 
in 79 runs, But there are questions about 
the outfield. Ellis Burks, coming off sur- 
gery on both knees, will be in right. Cen- 
ter field is up in the air, with ageless Stan 
Javier competing against rookie Arman- 
do Rios and Marvin Benard (who hit 
:366 after the break). The starting rota- 
tion is thin. Lefty Kirk Rueter (16-9) is 
good, but Mark Gardner, 37, had the 
best season of his ten-year career іп 
1998. Shawn Estes was hurt much of last 
season and will have to regain his 1997 
form (when he won 19) if the Giants are 
to have a chance. The front office ex- 
pects a lot from Russ Ortiz, but Ortiz 


Dugout: Joe Morgan 


uring the World Series, we 

turned down the TV sound 

and tuned in the ESPN radio 

broadcast so we could listen to 

Тос Morgan. The Hall of Famer 
has many irons in the fire. He's a 
member of a group trying to buy his 
hometown team, the Oakland Athlet- 
ics. And, later this season, Morgan 
will release a new book, Long Balls, 
No Strikes: The Rise, Demise and Rise 
of Baseball (Crown). Morgan's intelli- 
gence and honesty make him an in- 
valuable yoice in baseball. We asked 
him a few questions in preparation 
for opening day. 

О: Do you think that 1998 was the 
greatest season ever? 

A: It depends. Is baseball individ- 
ual achievement, as we saw from 
Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Kerry 
Wood and Roger Clemens? Or is it 
team achievement? We really didn't 
have a pennant race, but we had a 
great team: the New York Yankees. I 
won't say it’s the greatest, but, bounc- 
ing back after the strike, ГІ say it was 
the most needed season ever. 

Q: Can baseball top last season? 

А: That's going to be almost impos- 
sible, unless we have several good 
pennant races. You can't think ofany- 
one hitting 71 home runs or two guys 
hitting more than 60. There are peo- 
ple who are capable, Because of the 
way the game is now, with the ball be- 
ing livelier and pitching not as consis- 

гоша like, there's always that 


Q: astern afraid to throw in- 
side nowadays? 

A: I don’t think it's fear. It's some- 
thing that has evolved. Pitchers al- 
lowed hitters to go out over the plate, 
so there's no safe arca for pitchers. A 
lot of hitters dive into the plate or 
spin close enough to cover six inches 
off the outside corner. In order for 
pitchers to get back to where they be- 
long, they'll have to come back inside. 
And that doesn't mean just inside cor- 
ner, it means off the plate inside as 
well. Most hitters actually think out- 
side first. Pitchers have to get them 
to think inside first, which opens up 
the outside. 

Q: In an era of overblown statistics, 
why are there only a few dominant 
leadoff men? 

A: It's a part of the evolution of 
baseball. The walk and the stolen 
base—getting on base—aren't consid- 
ered to be nearly as important as hi 
ting the ball out of the park. Strike- 
outs are up. Even with two strikes, 
batters swing hard. You have a lot of 
guys hitting ten or 15 home runs, 
which doesn’t mean a lot. I see зес- 


ond basemen hitting ten home runs. 
But ten home runs mean nothing. 
Players give up other parts of their 
games to hit those home runs. Guys 
don’t walk up to the plate thinking, 
Pm going to take at least two pitches 
to try to get on base. Rickey Hender- 
son still does, but you're not going to 
gel many guys coming into the league 
who take pitches and get themselves 
in the hole to try to get on base. It's 
hard for players to say the team 
comes first and statistics for arbitra- 
tion come second. There's so much 
money involved, I can't blame them. 
You want to do as much as you can 
for your family. 

Q: What impresses you most about 
players today? 

A: Their willingness to stay in 
shape year-round. In the past, play- 
ers would come to spring training to 


Barry Bonds work out for two hours 
іп his home gym, and it's a hard 
workout. 1 can only imagine what Mc- 
Gwire does. 

Q: What impresses you least about 
players today? 

А: Fundamentals. Few players can 
bunt, few players can hit-and-run, 
few players know situational hitting. 
Ifa man is at third base with less than 
two outs, you don't need a home run 
to drive him in, or even a base hit. 
You just need to get the ball in the air. 
You need to know how to move run- 
ners along. Fundamentals are the 
reason that you have 15-13 games. 
Mistakes cause three runs to score 
and bad pitches lead to a grand slam. 
A lot of players get to the major 
leagues before they're ready, and 
they're not playing the game the way 
it should be played. 

О: Is that because they don’t know 
the game, especially its history? 

А: Гуе walked through the Giants 
locker room with Willie Mays, and 
nobody recognized him. I mean, Wil- 
lic Mays! The greatest player ever! I 
mentioned it to Dusty Baker and he 
said that's just how players are today. 
When I was playing and Stan Musial 
would come into the locker room, I'd 
be nervous. 

Q: Which young players do you 
like today? 

A: Vladimir Guerrero is probably 
the most talented of the young play- 
ers. He can run, hit, throw—he can 
do everything. On the pitching side, 
of course, you have Kerry Wood, who 
has J.R. Richard-type stuff. 1 hope 
he'll stay healthy and be able to do 
the things J.R. would have done if he 
had stayed healthy. 


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didn't show much last season and was 
unimpressive in winter ball. San Francis- 
co has a strong pen—its 3.14 ERA last 
season was the best in the majors. Now 
that Jose Mesa has gone north to Seattle, 
Julian Tavarez will assume the setup role 
for Robb Nen. Еуеп though it looks like 
the Giants are playing for next year, 
don't count out Dusty. 

Last year Diamondbacks GM Joe Са- 
ragiola Jr. talked up his team's chances 
cf becoming the first expansion team to 
finish above .500 in its first season. The 
D-Backs, after all, had signed big-ticket 
players Matt Williams, Jay Bell, Andy 
Benes and Devon White, along with 
highly touted rookie Travis Lee. But an 
8-31 start set the Snakes off course, and 
only a strong second half prevented a 
100-loss season. This year, after a $119 
million off-season shopping spree, Ari- 
zona fancies itself a contender. The 
biggest catch, Randy Johnson, is the 
game’s most dominant lefty. Add signees 
Todd Stottlemyre and Armando Rey- 
noso alongside incumbents Benes, Omar 
Daal and Brian Anderson (who could be 
dealt soon) and you have a rotation that 
ranks among baseball’s best. But Arizona 
will struggle again on offense. They had 
the lowest team batting average in the 
majors last year (.246) and set an NL 
record for strikeouts (1239). Even with 
better years from Bell and Williams and 
contributions from new outfielders Luis 
Gonzalez and Steve Finley, the D-Backs 
still aren't the "27 Yankees. 

Over the past few years the Padres 
have been a roller-coaster team. First 
place in 1996. Last place in 1997. First. 
place in 1998. Guess where they're 
heading this season. Without Kevin 
Brown, Greg Vaughn, Ken Caminiti, 
Steve Finley and Joey Hamilton, the Pa- 
dres are on their way back to the base- 
ment. Other than ground-ball specialist 
Andy Ashby (17-9, 3.34) and Sterling 
Hitchcock (who earned his stripes in the 
postseason when he beat Randy John- 
son, Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux), 
there’s not much starting pitching. In 
‘Trevor Hoffman (53 saves) the Padres 
have the best closer in the game, but he'll 
be a free agent after this season. Ruben 
Rivera—acquired from the Yankees in 
1997 for Hideki Irabu—will take over 
for Steve Finley in center. Oft-injured 
Reggie Sanders (.268, 59 RBI with the 
Reds in 1998) may play right, moving 
Tony Gwynn—who made only one er- 
ror in 116 games there last year—to 
left field. Other than Garth Brooks, San 
Diego has a bunch of retreads (John 
Vander Wal, Shane Mack, Dave Maga- 
dan) and not much of a chance. If the 
Padres’ goal last season was to put to- 
gether a team that would galvanize sup- 
port for a new stadium, they were suc- 
cessful. Now the team can worry about 


next year. 


SORDID LOVE 


(continued from page 72) 

While Pops and I stayed downstairs 
the evening that we arrived, Janeane 
stormed up to the bedroom, feeling left 
out. I thought she might be happy that 
he and I were getting along at all, but for 
some reason she felt threatened. 

Her dad and I finished off three six- 
packs that night, and by the time I wob- 
bled upstairs, we already had nicknames 
for each other and a date to our 
quarters game the next morning. 

Needless to say, I received the literal 
cold shoulder that night as I slid next to 
‘Janeane in her pink canopy bed, which 
was as she had left it all those years ago. 

Іп retrospect, it's all very clear. Ja- 
neane's career hadn't taken off at that 
point, and she was feeling the fallout. 
Her family, being pretty blue-collar, 
didn't really understand how "the biz" 
works. All they knew was that she called 
herself a comedienne, yet she didn't 
have her own sitcom. To put it in the jar- 
gon of the technology age, "Does not 
compute." 

Her insecurity about this—along with 
her lack of closeness with her dad—had 
created a tinderbox waiting to blow. 

Added to this, her dad and I are about 
the same height and coloring and share 
a love of carpentry and stock cars. "That 
was the match to the fire. 

And boy, did it blow. Right about tur- 
key time the next day. 

I think I might have said, "Pass the 
sweet potatoes" the wrong way, or maybe 
I laughed too loudly at Nana's incom- 
prehensible babbling. Whatever it was, 
all I remember is Janeane exploding out. 
of her chair and letting forth with one of 
her trademark rants, directed at yours 
truly. It ended with my volunteering to 
catch a ride home on the next flight 
to Los Angeles. Her cute little cousins 
begged me not to go, as did Dad, with 
whom I had planned to hit the dog track 
that evening. But it was clear that Ja- 
neane was having none of it. I was back 
in Cali by eight em., partaking of the 
turkey special at Canter's Deli. 

The mistake here was опе of mutual 
enabling. Janeane lashed out at me—al- 
so known as blurting—basically regurgi- 
tating all her anger and frustration with 
herself. In volunteering to leave, І 
thought I was helping. But in reality I 
was only supporting her blurt, reinforc- 
ing its effectiveness. 

In Janeane's mind, blurt equaled Ben 
leaving, which equaled getting her way. 
What I should have done, as uncomfort- 
able as it might have been, was let her 
blow her wad, as it were. Let her throw 
all the stuffing she wanted at me, and 
when it was over, continue on as if noth- 
ing had happened. There’s only so 
much crying an infant can do till she re- 
alizes she's not getting her bottle. 

RULE: NEVER GO INTO A LOADED FAMILY 


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168 


SITUATION WITHOUT AN ESCAPE ROUTE—E.G., 
AN EXTRA TICKET OR VEHICLE TO GET YOU 
OUT IN A HURRY. 1 ENDED UP HAVING TO 
SPEND A GRAND ON A FULL-FARE COACH TICK- 
ET-ONF [COULD HAVE GOTTEN MUCH CHEAP- 
ER HAD I THOUGHT IN ADVANCE THAT THERE 
MIGHT BE A “SITUATION.” 

PS.: She drove the Aerostar back at 
her own leisurely pace—leaving me 
wheel-less in LA during prime party sea- 
son. Thanks! 


THEEND 


Things settled down when Janeane 
got back to town. We eventually grew 
tired of going out to eat alone and began 
to call each other. When we first reunit- 
ed, we apologized profusely, each claim- 
ing blame for the fight. We both agreed 
that we needed to communicate better. 

About a weck into our rapproche- 
ment, I got a call from an ex-girlfriend. 
Melinda and I had gone out for over six 
years and had a totally platonic friend- 
ship, except for the time we had sex 
about a week after Janeane and I started 
going out. But that was before Janeane 
and I were really serious. The mistake 
there was telling Janeane about the 
meaningless event, which only served to. 
confirm that Melinda and 1 were truly 
not attracted to each other anymore. 
Janeane held it over my head for the rest 
of the relationship as proof of my not Бе- 
ing trustworthy. Personally, I feel it took 
great courage on my part to own up to it. 

Still, the relationship plodded on for a 


number of months, both of us awash in 
a sea of denial. I should mention that 
by this point Janeane had gained a few 
pounds, maybe 60 or 70. I think this was 
a result of her feeling hungry for what 
was lacking in our relationship. I too was 
hungry, though I fed my own dissatisfac- 
tion with treats of another kind, wl 
don't wish to elaborate on here. Suflice it 
to say we were both “out to lunch,” both 
literally and figuratively. 

On our three-month anniversary, by 
which time we were hardly speaking, I 
made a pathetic attempt to celebrate: a 
night at the theater! The relationship 
was over, and not even an evening of 
watching the most bestest Shakespeare 
actor would have fixed anything. The 
only two people who weren't aware of 
that were me and Janeane. 

The show was called What the Butler 
Saw—one of those interactive dinner- 
slash-plays where you talk to the charac- 
ters and go through this big house trying 
to solve a murder that takes place during 
hors d'oeuvres. 

"Things were going fine between us 
straight through the appetizer. We were 
giggling at the inanity of the whole 
thing. There were plenty of suspects, 
each of whom the audience was encour- 
aged to pick and follow. 

‘Janeane chose Professor Picklebot- 
tom, who seemed to have an airtight ali- 
bi—he was in the loo at the time of the 
murder. Yet he seemed to have a suspi- 
cious nature, always tapping his fingers 


“Sorry, Ralph, Гт leaving you for a man 
I met on the Internet.” 


on his potbelly and shifting in his old- 
fashioned wheelchair. 

1, on the other hand, chose to follow 
Lucretia Lustgarden, who in my eyes 
was clearly the killer. When the lights 
went out and came back on, there was 
Dilly McDead, deader than a doornail, a 
candlestick through his skull. And across 
the room, there was Lucretia, all five- 
foot-ten of her tucked tight into those 
spandex leggings and go-go boots, 
gling out the window, wiping blood off 
her hands. 

I wasn't the only one who suspected 
her—most of the men in the audience 
followed after her. But I was quick like a 
cat and got to her first. 

Now here's where it all went bad. I 
had never been to one of these shows 
and didn't know the rules. But in my de- 
fense, I think the actress playing Lucre- 
tia bent those rules a little herself, think- 
ing I might swing her a break in the biz. 

1 followed her out the fire escape and 
up to the next floor, into what had been 
decorated as the torture chamber. Since 
I was the first up, she grabbed me—let 
me repeat, she grabbed me—and im- 
mediately bolted my arms and legs onto 
a device I had never, ever come across 
called the Lonesome Sailor. It basical- 
ly lays you out spread-cagled on your 
stomach, and using a ratchet knob de- 
vice the torturer can expand you four 
ways to Sunday while your head is in a 
steel mask that exposes only your left 
eye and tongue. 

Later the actress was fired. It turned 
out she was looney. But at the time I had 
no idea, When she started the torture, I 
had to remind myself it was all just a 
show, and that everything would be all 
right. By the time she pulled off her top 
and pulled out her résumé, 1 was al- 
ready in such pain from the Lonesome 
Sailor that my eyes were too watery to 
see Janeane when she burst into the 
room and accused me of being a pathet- 
ic pig and just as quickly stormed out. 

Within five minutes I was in the park- 
ing lot, wearing only my boxer shorts 
and pleading my case to an infuriated 
Janeane. By that time, it was really over. 

No, I should not have put her in a 
choke hold, no matter how exasperated 
1 was. The police who arrived were right 
to separate us, and though the 90-day 
cooling-off-period restraining order was 
not really necessary, in the end it proba- 
bly served its purpose. 

We had beaten the horse into the 
ground. In trying to make it work, we 
had surely bitten off more than we could 
chew—in fact, I һауе Janeane’s bite 
marks on my arm to prove it. 

RULE: NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE 
FORCIBLY RESTRAINED AT AN INTERACTIVE 
DINNER SHOW—EVEN IF IT IS BY A HOT CHICK. 


EPILOGUE 


Needless to say, Janeane and I eventu- 
ally were able to become friends again. 


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But it took a heap of time and a load of 
understanding. We actually got together 
and broke up five more times over the 
next year, but the details are way too 
repetitive to list here. 

And now, as you read Janeane's ac- 
count, you will see that two people can 
have different experiences from the 
same situation. J trust you will realize 
that my description of the events is whol- 
ly accurate and based on journal notes 
and interviews with various friends and 
family members. While I am sure that 
what she believes to have happened is in 
her mind very real, one must take into 
account all the circumstances and, above 
all... consider the source. 

JANEANE’S VERSION 

Some incidents in life are blocked out 
for a reason. Apparently some people 
enjoy seeing yours truly twist in the 
wind. Ben will also be dredging up our 
past; his version will no doubt be a cre- 
ative rewrite of history. 

I will say this: Ben and I are a pair of 
real go-getters who have successfully 
gone and gotten. We beat the system: We 
actually get paid to do what we love. 

Co-sponsoring the Meals on Wheels II 
program has been tremendously fulfill- 
ing for us. Meals on Wheels ПІ has taken 
the wildly successful mobile food con- 
cept one important step further. Our 
program still brings food to the needy— 
but we charge them for it. By encourag- 
ing the homeless to pay for their food, 
we teach them how to take responsibility 
for themselves. Ben and I then take that 
money and spend it. 

I was introduced to Ben by a mutual 
friend, who suspected that we would hit 
it off. At the time, merging our extraor- 
dinary talents and charisma seemed like 
a good idea; sometimes two heads are 
better than one when negotiating with 
the lady we call showbiz. The entertain- 
ment industry is indeed a harsh mistress 
who eats sheltered, upper-middle-class 
Jewish boys like Ben Stiller for breakfast. 
He needed me. 

Our first date took place in September 
1992. (Being a Libra, I felt it would be- 
hoove me to date only in September, 
while my moon was firmly in the seventh 
house.)' 

We met for cocktails and smart talk at 
Ben's favorite eatery, T.J. O'Pootertoot's. 
Ben is fond of family-oriented restau- 
rants like O'Pootertoot's, where pizza- 
tizers are on the house and the birch 
beer flows in bottomless, frosty mugs. Не 


‘Ordinarily, 1 shun all things zodiacal, but 
in 1992 I was unemployed and chemically de- 
pressed. Therefore, I was open to anytl 
that might offer some comfort. 1 was also in- 
volved in several botched attempts at civic ап- 
archy and had received numerous restraining 
orders. (I like to think that restraining orders 
are common among seekers and dreamers 
such as myself.) 


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PLAYBOY 


170 


also enjoys singing along with the me- 
chanical bears and the guilty thrill of 
tossing his peanut shells on the floor 

“Get a load a me, ain't | something!" 
Ben would shout when the waitstaff 
presented him with a birthday cake. He 
pulled the birthday stunt everywhere we 
went. At first I was touched by his boyish 
love of cake, but then I realized it was a 
thinly disguised cry for help. 

Ben had trouble expressing his needs, 
and conning innocent theme-restaurant 
employees into serving him cake was 
indicative of a much deeper problem. 
Mustached waiters singing Happy Birth- 
day to him was as close as he ever came 
to meaningful interaction with other 
adults. Ifhe wasn't the focus of attention, 
Ben just couldn't cope. 

Ben came into my living room for 
more smart talk, we had marginal sex 
and so it began.’ We had a tumultuous 
yet lucrative affair. Those were heady 
times, and we were always on the move. 


"This was a habit resented by many of our 
friends, who felt it signified a lack of respect 
for the linoleum tile in their own homes. 

“He mostly socialized with children be- 
cause, with his lanky good looks, he could eas- 
ily steal the focus from a nine-year-old. Not 
10 mention his dominance in pickup basket- 
ball games 

“He had an annoying habit of refe 
me as Melinda whenever we got intimate. 


ig to 


Yet, somehow, I gained 70 pounds.” 

Was I, in fact, starving for affection? 
Was 1 trying to become some kind of 
eyesore, so he wouldn't want to sex me 
up? Both theories are open to discus- 
sion. The weight issue was a sore subject. 
for both of us. 

Ben was plagued by insecurity and 
doubt. He didn't want his college bud- 
dies to think he would date a “fat chick.” 
When asked about his girlfriend (me), 
he would produce the photo that came 
with his wallet—even if the inquisitor 
was someone who knew me or had stat- 
ed on other occasions that they knew the 
wallet photo was fraudulent. 

I tied to divert Ben’s attention from 
my girth to his favorite subject—himself. 
Since he liked celebrating his birthday so 
much, I organized several surprise par- 
ties at various eateries and homes. Al- 
most every attempt went horribly awry. 

I even started wearing а T.J. O’Poo- 
tertoot's mechanical bear costume so 
Ben would like me better, but the poor 
visibility grew tiresome and the heavy 
bear head had damaged my spine. 


"Ben often mentioned how slender Melin- 
da was. 

Many were the nights I would overhear 
him muttering in his sleep, or to our sleeping 
dog, Rusty, “I don't want my college buddies 
to think I date a fat chick.” 


“But enough about me—let’s fuck!” 


We spent most holidays at my parents’ 
house in Nutley, New Jersey. But it was 
awkward because Ben refused to speak 
to my Nana. He thought she was “stuck 
up” because she had a sweatshirt and 
an outsized mug proclaiming her the 
WORLD'S GREATEST GRANDMA, I tried to ех- 
plain that they were popular gifts rather 
than a title she had bestowed upon her- 
self, but Ben would insist that her arro- 
gance had ruined his vacation. 

1 could go оп and on about incidents 
like that, but I'll cut to the chase and re- 
late the final insult—the so-called straw 
that broke my inner camel's back. 

After months of waiting, I was finally 
able to score us a pair of tickets for the 
hottest show in town. Interactive mur- 
der-mystery dinner theater has always 
been Ben's favorite, and there was no 
tougher ticket than this one, the Cadillac 
of interactive murder-mystery dinner 
theater, What the Buller Saw. 

The cast had been enjoying tremen- 
dous reviews for the show's entire run. 
One cast member in particular was gen- 
erating quite a bit of heat in the Los An- 
geles basin area. Out of respect for her 
privacy, I'll call her Goddamn Mother- 
fucker. СОМЕ played the part of a vixen 
with the authenticity of someone who 
has graced many a Hollywood mattress. 
Hats off to you, GDME, for playing the 
role of interactive femme fatale so con- 
vincingly that Ben actually gave me 
crabs that very weekend. 

GDMF caught everyone's eye, and by 
the time the Neapolitan ice cream was 
scooped, Ben was a goner—and I was 
gone. I sat in the parking lot waiting for 
him to take me home.” 

1 wound up sitting there for 17 hours. 
When Ben finally showed and asked me 
for some money, 1 was confused, hurt 
and angry. I suggested that we start see- 
ing other people, and he said he had 
been doing that all along. “No,” I said, “I 
mean actually dating other people, not 
just looking at them.” 

“Oh—I see what you're saying,” he 
said. “I thought you meant literally just 
seeing other people, which sounds sort 
of frustrating.” 

The key word was frustrating. I could 
not believe І had allowed myself to date 
Ben Stiller, and now I was getting 
dumped for the female lead in What the 
Butler Saw. So we agreed that we would 
meet only for professional purposes, or 
when we were drunk and felt like having 
emotionally destructive sex. 

This essay is a product of the first part 
of that agreement. I hope it can help you 
in ways we were never able to help our- 
selves or each other. 


71 couldn't walk home. The aforemen- 
tioned bear-head-related spinal damage was 


sull fresh. 
El 


Ashley Judd 


(continued from page 119) 
thought you would have? 
Jupp: Absolutely nothing. I’m actually 
close to doing some things that 1 never 
thought I'd do. I don't own a Porsche 
yet, though. 


10 


PLAYBOY: When you use a Stair Master at 
a gym, are there more people behind 
you or in front of you? 

Jupp: Usually in front, because that way 
they get the front and the reflection 
from the mirror behind me. Actually, 
they usually keep at least a 15-foot dis- 
tance because I sweat so much they'd 
slip if they got too close. The Stair Mas- 
ter is an casy thing to have around on a 
set. It's not my end-all choice, but it's 
definitely a helpful apparatus. 


11 


PLAYBOY: Describe and contrast: cracker, 
redneck, white trash. 

JUDD: That's an incomplete list—you 
didn't mention hillbilly. They're all very 
different. In the benign sense, a cracker 
would be someone who is a maverick 
and verbally wacky, perhaps says things 
that others would consider inappropri- 
ate. Maybe a little out of touch with real- 
ity. A redneck, I think, does not auto- 
matically denote a racist person. Being a 
redneck in the pure sense is about hav- 
ing a great love for the outdoors and liv- 
ing on lakes or rivers. White trash, to 
me, is a malevolent kind of ignorance, 
people who suffer from meanness, either 
innately or who have had meanness in- 
stilled in them. Hillbillies are something 
else. They're private and really living іп 
an old-timey way. 


12 


PLAYEOY: Give us your overview of Кеп- 
tucky bourbon. 

Jupp: Blanton's, a small distillery in 
Frankfort. Beautiful handmade barrels, 
and every bottle has a parchment label 
indicating from which batch it's been 
poured. Very nice. 


13 


PLAYBOY: What is so bad about under- 
wear? 
JUDD: It’s uncomfortable. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Aren't you putting underwear 
workers out of a job? 

Jupp: It's also affecting the need for 
laundry detergent. My mother instigat- 
ed all of this. She's a hazard, in the best 
sense of the word. She happened to re- 
mark in public that I don't wear under- 
wear, and it's followed me ever since. I'd 
like for it to go away. 


ном 


Below is a list of retailers 

and manufacturers you can 

contact for information on M 
where to find this month's 

merchandise. To buy the ар- 

parel and equipment that is 

shoum on pages 32, 41-42, 

92-93, 125-127 and 179, 

check the listings below to 

find the stores nearest you. 


WIRED 
Page 32: "Game of the Month": Soft- 
ware by Sony Electronics, from 989 Stu- 
dios, 800-345-7669. “Wild Things”: 
Radio receiver and wireless modem 


jack by RCA, 800-336-1900. 


MANTRACK 

Page 41: “Run for Your Lives: It's 
Carzilla": Vehicle by Isuzu, 800-662- 
лімі. Page 42: "Puffin' Without Huf- 
fin": Kayak by Scan Sport, 888-863- 
9500. “For Jocks Only": Cosmetics 
collections: By Tommy Hilfiger, 212- 
572-4386. By Ralph Lauren, 212-984- 
4404. Crunch health clubs and cos- 
metics, NYC, 212-620-7867. “Guys 
Are Talking About”: Watch by Casio, 
973-361-5400. Tall ship cruise from 
H.M. Bark Endeavour Foundation, 619- 
223-9477. Rollerjam, www.rollerjam. 
com. Travel guides at major book- 
stores. 


JOSHUA REDMAN 

Page 92: Suit and tie by Calvin Klein, 
NYC, 212-292-9000. Shirt by Patrick 
Cox, NYC, 212-759-3910. Belt by New 
York Industrie, at Camouflage, NYC, 
212-691-1750. Page 93: Leather jack- 
et and T-shirt by Trussardi, at Gavani, 
Seattle, 206-382-0968. Suit by Thierry 
Mugler, at Saks h Avenue, NYC, 
212-753-4000. Shirt by Helmut Lang, 
at Camouflage, NYC, 212-691-1750. 


GOTTA HAVE IT 
Page 125: “Goods To Go": Portable 
DVD player by Panasonic Co., 800- 


TO 


BUY 


211-7262. Digital re- 
corder by Olynpus Ameri- 
ca, Inc., 888-553-4448. 
Minidisc player and re- 
corder by Sharp Electron- 
ics, 800-237-4277. Page 
126: “Stay In Touch”: 
Cordless phone by 
Uniden, 800-297-1023. 
Alarm clock by Proton, 
562-404-2222. Watch 
pager by Motorola/Timex, 
from Beepwear, 888-727-2931. “Vid- 
ео Nirvana”: TV by Sony Electronics, 
800-222-7669. Camcorder by JVC of 
America, 800-252-5722. Page 127: 
“Nice Rack”: Remote control by Har- 
man Kardon, 800-422-8027. DSS re- 
ceiver by Sony Electronics, 800-222- 
7669. VCR by RCA, 800-336-1900. 
CD recorder by Philips Electronics, 
800-531-0039. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 179: “Skinny Dipping”: Flat- 
screen televisions: By Panasonic, 800- 
211-7262. By Philips Electronics, 800- 
531-0039. By NEC, 800-632-4662. By 
Fujitsu General America, from Electro 
Graph Systems, 800-776-5768. By 
Pioneer, 800-746-6337. By Proton, 
562-404-2229. By Sony Electronics, 
800-222-7669. By Sharp Electronics, 
800-237-4277. Speakers: By Mission, 
for information, click on www.nxt 
sound.com. By Kodel, www.kodel. 
com. By NCT Audio Products, 800-869- 
6647. Ministereo system by Fisher, 
818-998-7322, ext. 564. Notebook 
computers: By Sony Electronics, 800- 
999-7669. By Compaq, 800-345-1518. 
By Hitachi, 800-448-2244. By IBM, 
800-426-7255. By Mitsubishi Electron- 
ics, 800-332-2119. By Sharp Electron- 
ics, 800-237-4277. By Toshiba Elec- 
tronics, 800-457-7777. 


FALD fo BE PUBLISHED IN APRIL 1999, PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH BALLANTINE BDOS. A DIVISION OF RANDOM 


171 


PLAYBOY 


172 


15 


PLAYBOY: You have said, “Once you've 
kissed, you've kissed." Name the best on- 
screen kissers. 

Jupp: I liked that Liv Tyler and Joaquin 
Phoenix kiss in a movie that isn't other- 
wise notable. It was so lovely because. 
they were so pure and young and they 
had fallen in love in real life. I knew that. 
when I went to the theater, and I saw the 
sweetest undercurrent. Rhett and Scar- 
Jett—I mean, it doesn't get much better 
than that in terms of a cantankerous kiss. 
Oh, Maltese Falcon, when Humphrey Bo- 
gart grabs that woman. Wow! That was 
out of hand. His hand kind of scrunch- 
es her cheek. Was there a kiss between 
Michelle Pfeiffer and Daniel Day-Lewis 
in The Age of Innocence? That's а great re- 
lationship. I'm sure there's a great one 


in Porky's. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Anybody you've worked with? 
Jupp: No, I don't really kiss. It would be 
too hot. 


17 


PLAYBOY: Has Clinton exceeded all his 
genctic expectations? 
Jupp: We don't know that much about 


his dad, do we? He has exceeded my pa- 
tience. So has that Mr. David Kendall, 
his attorney, who comes out of the grand 
jury hearing excoriating Starr for inva- 
sion of privacy. This is a guy who repre- 
sents the National Enquirer and has for 
years. The height of hypocrisy. 


18 


PLAYBOY: Clinton—an unconscionable 
sexual predator or just a good old boy? 
Jupp: Well, if you're dumb, are you 
unconscionable? 


19 


PLAYBOY: Ever tried to educate any of 
your dates? 

Jupp: No. They all managed to hang 
themselves before I had a chance. 


20 


PLAYBOY: In The Locusts your character is 
called a “come bucket.” Have you been 
called worse? 

Jupp: Careless. A dictionary at every 
turnstile. And if you want to go on the 
high-thrill rides, it’s a thesaurus. Wel- 
come to Ashleywood, synonym game to 


the stars. 
El 


You have 
wear à lac 
i SE 


amish, oc 
Те fort E uese. 


the vight to 
hat Cove ed 
t, nd n fast 


READING A SUSPECT HIS | 
CARMEN MIRANDA RIGHTS... \ 


MOSCOR 


(continued from page 86) 
and at least one stubborn sexual disease 
that no two doctors can agree on. 

I scored a taxi ride for about $15, 
compared with the precrisis rate of $50 
to $60. The taxi mafia, who used to 
stand around the airport exit like gulls 
waiting to pluck freshly hatched tortois- 
ез, moped in front of the arrivals door, 
listlessly soliciting travelers for a fare. 
The once-gridlocked streets were bar- 
ren, even for a Saturday. No major ассі- 
dents on the way home, no roadkill. No 
superfluous road-construction work, сі- 
ther—there’s no money lefi in the bud- 
get for such things. 

The expressions on people's faces had 
changed from just six weeks earlier. 
When we stopped downtown to change 
dollars into rubles, I saw that the black 
marketers had lost their aggressive 
charm and cunning and had settled in- 
to a resigned emptiness. Before, they 
pimped you hard for that extra five or 
ten rubles. Now it was like, Why bother? 
The ruble falls in value every day, the 
banks һауе ceased to operate, businesses 
have closed. At the same time, no one is 
starving to death. So why bother fighting 
anymore? It’s a waste of energy. 

When I was in Manhattan, The New 
York Times ran an article headlined Mos. 
COW: THERE'S NIGHTLIFE AFTER THE ICE- 
BERG. It said that Moscow's decadent 
club scene was left unfazed by the Au- 
gust 1998 crisis. Knowing firsthand how 
the Times has botched nearly every 
Yeltsin-era story by at least 180 degrees, 
1 found the headline intriguing. I'd left 
Moscow in early December. It was al- 
ready clear that the era of wildly irre- 
sponsible decadence had ended, and 
that the club scene as we'd known it 
was in danger of imploding. I skipped 
through the article and saw that it fo- 
cused on the alleged continued success 
of the Jazz Kafé, a pretentious basement 
bar and disco that in 1997 instituted the 
first ultrastrict, London-style face con- 
trol in Moscow. But the Jazz Kafé had 
been eclipsed by two other Pentagon- 
strict superexclusive clubs, even before 
the crisis. I hadn't been to the place in a 
year, but eager-to-be-cool people who'd 
gone last summer had already described 
itas sad, second-rate and dying. 

Reading that Times piece scared me. I 
assumed it was as accurate as all the 1 
the media had told about the booming, 
reformist economy in Russia. I also as- 
sumed that if the Times had published a 
piece about how the Jazz Kafé was as “ul- 
trahip" and “uninhibited” as ever, then 
the Jazz Kafé was dead and nightlife had 
dropped to Salt Lake City levels. 

1 was partly right. The Jazz Kafé was 
stark empty when 1 checked it out. So 
was another imitation-Paris club, Gal- 
ereya, which had become the “anyone 
who's anyone” place to be among hip 


New Russians and swinging expats last 
summer, after it was learned that Ga- 
lereya's door policy was even stricter and 
more humiliating than Jazz Kafé's. The 
manager said business is down and many 
clients can't even afford a drink. 

Now that last year's neo-Eurotrash 
elite are broke dorks with Beemers they 
can't afford to gas up. and nearly the en- 
tire cash-rich expatriate community has 
fled town, Moscow is left with a sharply 
divided society. On the superrich end 
are unabashed flathead gangsters with 
their arm decorations; on the other, the 
submerging so-called middle class and 
the near penniless masses of young pco- 
ple who now have to be more clever 
in coming up with 
ys to live their 
lives as recklessly 
and as romantical- 
ly as possible. Mos- 
cow has reverted 
to the beautifully 
dim, alien city I ar- 
rived in five years 
ago, with one big 
difference: Today 
there is no opti- 
mism about the glo- 
rious future. And 
there's no growing 
influx. of foreign- 
ers—none at all, 
not even on the far 
horizon. As one top 
Western banker, 
whose institution 
racked up tens of 
millions in losses 
during last year's 
crisis, said, "Why 
would ever 
think of coming 
back here? It would 
take years, maybe 
a decade, to earn 
that kind of money 
back. But after see- 
ing how everyone 
from the govern- 
ment to the central 
bank to our own 
partners blatantly 
lied to us and stole from us, I'm con- 
vinced that if we came back, we would 
probably get burned out of another cou- 
ple of hundred million sooner than we'd 
make anything. So there's no logic in in- 
vesting here anymore.” 


wa 


we 


I had been in New York with Matt 
Taibbi to hawk a book we had written 
about The eXile, the English-language 
biweekly we founded in early 1997, just 
as the Moscow boom started to enter 
emerging-markets mythology for its fast 
money, hard living and opportunities for 
sexual losers. It was thought that Mos- 
cow was home to some 100,000 English 


speakers—our target audience. 

Our newspaper's fortunes reflected 
the national crisis. In August 1998, 
Prime Minister Sergei Kiriyenko de- 
clared a moratorium on Russia's debts 
The eXile's bank collapsed, taking sever- 
al thousand dollars with it, probably 
to some Cayman Islands bank account. 
Our newspaper's advertisers—mostly 
bars and restaurants—also lost whatever 
money they had in their bank accounts. 

heir clientele—expats, middle-class 
and upper-middle-class Russians—sud- 
denly found themselves without bank 
accounts, without businesses, without 
money or jobs. Billions, it seems, van- 


We're Still Looking. 


PLAYBOY 2000 
PLAYMATE SEARCH 


Submissions can be mailed to Playmate 2000, 680 N. Lake Shore Dr., 
Chicago, IL 60611. IMPORTANT: Candidates must be at least 18 
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©1999 PLAYBOY 


ished, just like that. Our own revenues 
dropped about 60 percent and we had to 
fire personnel and cut salaries. 

Two months later, the tax police, the 
scariest mafia of all, raided us. Luckily, 
our clients coughed up enough money 
to our bank account—which the tax po- 
lice promptly cleaned out—to get us all 
off the hook 

The drug market, which just last year 
made Haight Street seem like Sesame 
Street, has also dried up. The story is 
that the Colombian Mafia cut a deal 
with the Russians a few years back to 


move second-rate coke at prices more 
than double those in America. Because 


it was so expensive, coke was the drug 
of choice with the imitation Eurotrash 
crowds. Ecstasy—also at New Russi, 
friendly inflated prices—could be found 
at most discos. Heroin use supposedly 
rose 500 percent last year alone; every- 
one here knows of at least one friend of a 
friend who became a junkie and dropped 
off the map. 

Prostitutes have also suffered. Street 
whores can be bought for under 1000 
rubles, or $40, an hour; they used to cost 
$150. Callgirls listed in the back of news 
papers can be negotiated to under $100, 
or almost half the price they were a 
year ago. That's still a lot of coin by my 
standards, and a shitload by most Rus- 
sians’ new, broke 
standards. 


Goddamn it, I 
wanted something 
to happen! I was 
jenesing for some 
Moscow decadence. 
After those six 
weeks in Manhat- 
tan, six of the most 
uneventful, stifling 
weeks I could re- 
member, I was 
pent-up. After New 
York, I needed a 
cathartic blowout 
consisting of free 
booze, other peo- 
ple's drugs and a 
sloppy, regretful 
fuck—the kind of 
blowout that would 
end with a Sunday 
morning run to 
the local pharmacy 
for 500-milligram 
bullets of azitro- 
micine, an antibiot- 
ic powerful enough 
to disinfect even 
the most carbuncle. 
decorated sexual 
organ. Azitromicine 
is so powerful that 
most American doc- 
tors hesitate to prescribe it for fear of un- 
leashing mutated Neisseria gonorrhoeae 
bugs that could chew a hole through a 
woman's pelvis. 

But that was all fantasy born of frus- 
tration. The reality was that Moscow had 
become quieter and dimmer, its edge 
dulled. There's little of the overt desper- 
ation I had selfishly hoped for. I thought 
my sexual opportunities would soar 
through the roof as suddenly impov- 
erished dyevushki (Russian girls) shifted 
their focus away from their insolvent 
Russian men and made a long-term bet 
on an American citizen like me. What 
other choice is left? 


173 


PLAYBOY 


174 


The first thing 1 did when I got to my 
apartment was call Krazy Kevin McEI- 
wee, The eXile's film reviewer. We decid- 
ed to go to a suburban live music club 
called Svalka, which caters to younger, 
unpretentious Russians. Svalka was one 
of those solid midlevel clubs that was 
guaranteed just last fall to be packed 
from about 11 rm. till dawn. But on the 
second Saturday in January, the place 
was a morgue. We split for Territoriya, 
an unnecessarily trendy techno café near 
the Kremlin—ten morose raver types 
looking way too sober for our tastes. Off 
to the A-Club, named by The Face as the 
best club in Moscow in 1998. Dead. 
Christ, neither of us even likes clubbing, 
and this is turning out to be a disaster. 
Next, down to Respublika, near the for- 
mer KGB headquarters—a few tired 
faces, some people dancing to the same 
fucking songs they danced to two years 
ago, nor a single patron purchasing a 
beer or cocktail. Respublika owes The eX- 
ile $1300 in back debts. But since it 
charged no cover at the door and no one 


was buying drinks that night, I kissed 
that $1300 goodbye. 

By this time, I was a bitter mess and 
Kevin was exhausted. We parted ways 
at about four a.M. That Times article 
about Moscow's booming nightlife was 
no longer a nuisance—it was downright 
inflammatory. 

The next weekend, Matt Taibbi re- 
turned to Moscow. We decided not to 
fuck around with marginal clubs and 
headed straight for the Hungry Duck, 
which, last year at least, was probably the 
most hedonistic bar in the world. At the 
peak of its popularity, this place instituted 
a most barbarous program: ladies’ night. 
The concept was simple, though danger- 
ous, considering the clientele: From sey- 
еп tonine Р.М., only women were allowed 
inside, and they all got to drink as much 
as they wanted for free. I worked as guest 
barman on the first night. It was such a 
screaming mess that I gave up, grabbed 
a bottle of some generic gin and sat in the 
corner pounding it. About 400 females, 
mostly proles with greasy hair, cheap 


“I knew we had something in common. Im wearing 
а concealed weapon, too!” 


Polish blouses and Vietnamese denims, 
greedily pumped themselves full of as 
much free, low-quality gin and vodka as 
they could. They weren't shy about de- 
manding one drink after the next: A 
sweet-looking blonde with a pimple on 
her chin might curse you in the rudest, 
lowest Russian to get her six fucking 
shots of vodka, now! Now! After the two 
hours were up, few of them could stand. 

A male striptease act was part of the 
entertainment, the highlight of which 
was a Nigerian stripper engaging in 
rough sexplay with a teenage girl cho- 
sen at random from the audience. She 
would eventually give in to the ritual, 
which always ended with the African 
ramming his fingers up her box to the 
gleeful cheers of the crowd. 

When nine o'clock hit, the men who'd 
been kept at bay were let loose. Off-duty 
cops, pasty businessmen and common 
perverts pummeled one another over 
semiconscious prey. The fights turned 
quickly into temple-stomping boot- 
thrashings on the floor, and more often 
than not, at least one drunken girl would 
get caught in the middle, bleary-eyed 
and confused as Sergei's bloody teeth 
got knocked into her hair. 

Matt and I figured that even with а 
crisis, the Duck couldn't possibly fail us. 

We weren't there more than five min- 
utes when two busloads of Omon troops, 
the government paramilitary forces, 
raided the Duck. The soldiers carried 
machine guns; others wore leather jack- 
ets and flashed badges. They blocked all 
the exits and began searching docu- 
ments. Being Americans, Taibbi and I 
slipped out vith relative case. When we 
returned a couple of hours later, there 
weren't more than ten people in the club. 
One manager told me that the Omon 
troops have been raiding the Duck on an 
almost weekly basis for months now. 

So that’s it. The thrill is gone. The ex- 
planation is a Marxian formula: When 
the easy, amoral money goes, the easy, 
amoral hedonism goes with it. Moscow 
Babylon is giving way to Moscow Brezh- 
nevon. Back then, life was easy. You 
gathered with your friends in your 
smelly apartment doorway, drank what- 
ever vodka you could get your hands on, 
smoked weak Kazakh shake and screwed 
whoever was left standing after a few 
hours. She'd get an abortion a few weeks 
later, and everything was dandy. That 
scenario may not be quite so exciting 
as 1996-1998, but it’s still a better op- 
tion than seeing book publishers for six 
weeks in Manhattan. So that is why, five 
years on, I'm as determined as ever to 
stay in Moscow. Even if they dose down 
our newspaper, attach my balls to a 
cheap Soviet car battery and force me to 
denounce Western imperialism, that's 
still a better option than the horribly 
bland, safe world I left behind. 


The Artist Formerly Known as 
Prince should be proud. Hugh Hef- 
ner, the Playmates and stars such as 


Joaquin Phoenix 
and Fabio made 
good on that 
song and par- 
tied like it was 
you-know-what 
on December 


Every man needs o posse 
of lingerie-clad women ot 
his New Yeor's Eve porty. 
Amang those who partied 
like rack stars were (clack- 
wise from tap right): Miss 
October 1972 Sharon Jo- 


happened that eve- 
ning, we turned to 
Miss May 1990 Tina 
Bockrath, who host- 
ed the event for 
Playboy Online. 
“More Playmates 
go to the New 
Year's Eve party 
than to any other 
PLAYBOY party. It’s 
just so nice to see 


PLAYMATE SNEWS 


Shoron Johonsen 


40 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


Thomas Mario celebrated Ital- 
ian pies in Viva Piz- 
za!, Gahan Wilson 
goofed on himself 
in The Weird World 
of Gahan Wilson, 
Robert Green show- 
cased travel gear in 
Wardrobe for a Jet 
Weekend and Jules 
Feiffer riffed on 
lust in his car- 
toon, Passion. But 
it was the aquatic 
Miss May 1959 
who created the | 
biggest waves. Ё 
Cindy Fuller 
was a law office Cindy Fuller 
secretary in Boston before she 
moved to Miami to pursue a ca- 
reer as a professional swimmer. 
Sure, she looked great in her Wa- 
ter Follies uniform, but we prefer 
the less-than-bikini-clad Cindy 
shown above. 


hansen; Miss February 1998 Julio Schultz and dote; Hef with Miss June 
1969 Helena Antonaccio; Miss July 1996 Angel Boris; the man of the hour 
with Miss August 1982 Cathy St. George and Miss December 1982 Charlotte 
Kemp; Miss February 1997 Kimber West опа PMOY 1997 Victorio Silvstedt. 


Angel Baris 


31. For the first time in years, the 
dress code at the Mansion soiree was 
amended from black tie and formal 
gowns to black tie and lingerie— 
which, as you can imagine, made 
Hef's the most talked-about New 
Year's Eve fete in Hollywood. Сег- 
tainly no other party ran continual 
screenings of A&E's updated biog- 
raphy of Hef. To find out what else 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 
Мау 1: Miss June 1997 
Carrie Stevens 
May 13: Miss May 1959 
Cindy Fuller 


May 19: Miss December 1960 
Carol Eden 


the Playmates you haven't seen for 
ages. As for celebrities, it was a cool 
mix of old and new Hollywood. The 
Red Hot Chili Peppers danced while 
the Ray Anthony Orchestra played. 
At midnight, following the count- 
down, red and white balloons came 
floating down. We toasted 1999—the 
Year of the Rabbit. It was a wonder- 


fully sentimental 
М papers ы 


night.” 


May 26: Miss December 1979 
Candace Collins 

May 30: Miss July 1982 
Lynda Wiesmeier 


More thon 60 Playmates wear their birthday suits in Ployboy's Celebrating Centerfolds 2 (Ployboy 
Press), о Newsstand Special that toasts Playmates who were born in March and April. To send o per- 
sonal birthday message to the feotured women, including Donno Perry, Jacqueline Sheen, Hope 
Marie Carlton, Reagon Wilson, Cher Buller ond Kathy Shower, write ta birthdoy@playboy.com. 


175 


I pick Playmate of the Year 
1994 Jenny McCarthy. She's 
beautiful, she’s honest, she’s 
funny. She's everything а cool 
chick ought to be. The first 
Centerfold I ever saw was in a 
PLAYBOY I found in my 


dad's bathroom when 
I was a little kid. 1 
remember think- 
ing that it was so 
great—a mag- 
azine with all 

these beauti- / 
ful, totally I 
naked wom- 

en. But I 

know my dad 

only read it 

for the articles. 


And now, a tequila-drinking tip 
from Playmate of the Year 1998 Kar- 
en McDougal, who touts 
the liquor in a print ad p 


for Patrón: “It's best on 
the rocks with lime." 
Martin Crowley, presi- 
dent of St. Maarten 
Spirits, says choosing 
Karen for the gig 
was easy. "Karen is 
an amazing wom- > 
an—both elegant and 
sexy. Even though the ads 
don’t show any skin, they've garnered 
an overwhelming response. People 
not only want to buy the tequila, they 
also want to buy the tuxedo because 
she looks so good in it.” 


| 9 тый. қ 


[Ss 8 


Dear Reneé Тепізоп: 
"Thank you for your 
pictorials and your 
swimsuit calendar. I 
am deeply impressed 
by the intense love of 
life I see in your work. 
1 feel challenged and 
am reminded there 
are a lot of good things 
1 could be doing. In 
particular, I like that 
you make your own 
clothes. You express 
the creativity and happiness that are 
parts of being human. What blows me 
176 away is your acceptance of your beau- 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


ty. Our acceptance of beauty is how 
we judge ourselves. 
Yours sincerely, 
Norman Dubeski 
Dundas, Ontario 


QUOTE UNQUOTE 


Fresh from the set of her first fea- 
ture film, The Rowdy Girls (produced 
by India Allen and co-starring Shan- 
non Tweed), Deanna Brooks is primed 
for a career in Hollywood. We cor- 
nered Miss May 1998 for a chat. 

Q: Not many people know that you're 
a singer. What kind of music do you 
perform? 

A: I've studied classical music and 
opera. I play the saxophone, the pi- 
ano, the violin and the guitar. I'm 
hoping to create my own style in the 
‘Tori Amos or Sarah McLachlan үсіп, 
Q: How do your sisters feel about 
your being a Playmate? 

A: Actually, I still haven't told my 
family. 

Q: Is it hard keep- 
ingit a secret? 
A: No, not real- 
ly. They're Mor- 
mons, so it’s 
not like they 
would read 
PLAYBOY. It is 
hard not be- 
ing able to 
share excit- 
ing PLAYBOY 
experiences 
with them. 

Q: Such as? 

A: My first televi- 
sion appearance, 
on the now-defunct 
talk show Vibe. That was 
alot of fun. 

Q: Who was your first celebrity 
crush? 

А: Don't laugh. It was Michael Jack- 
son in his Thriller phase. АП of my 
friends were in love with him. One 
sent him a necklace and he sent back 
an autographed photo. We took that 
photo with us everywhere. 

Q: Did you ever see Michael in 
concert? 

А: No. Unfortunately, my parents 
wouldn't let me. 

Q: What were your childhood 
aspirations? 

A: When my sisters and I saw the 
movie Spacecamp, we decided we 
wanted to become aeronautical engi- 
neers. We were serious about it. We'd 
go to the library and photocopy infor- 
mation, and then make scrapbooks. 
We were geeks. 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Cheers to Lisa Welch and her 
husband, Ron Semler, who te- 
cently added twins Madison 
Shaye and Micah Ronen to their 
growing family. . . . Karen 

McDougal is recovering 
from outpatient surgery 
on abroken bone in her 
foot. “I don’t want any- 
one to feel sorry for 
me,” the tough cookie 
says. - -. Next on Janet Quist's 
agenda: an airplane ride with 
the Blue Angels. Is she nervous 
about the flight? “No. I'm excit- 
ed! I want to do this for the heck. 
of it,” she says. . . . DeDe Lind, 
who still looks gorgeous 32 years 
after becoming a Playmate, stars 


Daredevil Jonet Quist 


in four new sensual videos, shot 
outdoors in Colorado and the 
Florida Keys. To buy the videos, 
write Miss August 1967 at PO. 
Box 1712, Boca Raton, Florida, 
33429... . Alicia Rickter can be 
seen in a national Blockbuster 
commercial. . . . Danelle Folta, 
the goddess captain of the 
Playboy X-treme Team, has been 
working as a stunt double for 
Angie Everhart in the forthcom- 
ing series The Dream Team. . . . Al- 
though the title is a mouthful, 
look for Vicki McCarty Iovine’s 
latest book, The Girlfriends’ Guide 
to Toddlers: A Survival Manual 
to the Terrible Twos (And Ones and 
Threes) From the First Step, the First 
Potty and the First 

_ Word No to the Last 
Blankie... . Speak- 

= ing of must-have 
publications, 
check out the 
13th issue of 
Glamour Girls: 
Then and Now, 
which boasts 
our own Car- 
ol Vitale on 
its beachy 

cover. 


Coral, sunny-side up 


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А ыр Cousino as Playboy TV delivers the goods on provoca- 
Miss May tive programming in May. In Screen Play, 


Shayla La Veaux and Taren Steele star in the 
ШІНШІ, SERIES een 
in search of searing sexual advice and hands- 
on instruction. And Nina Hartley and Missy 
star in a tale of five beautiful fashion models 
in a battle over one dynamite dress in One 
Size Fits All. Then Playboy TV's own Judge Julie 
ravishingly recalls the season's best cases of 
sexual misconduct in Supreme Sex Court: Judge 
Julie Rules. Andin the Playboy Original Movie 
Loveblind, a sexy yet cynical photographer 
learns that true love and passion are not 
mutually exclusive. Then Acaderny Award- 
winning filmmaker Chuck Workman chroni- 


ў 2 cles adult fim from stag reels to the billion- 

55а doliar business it is today in Playboy's The 

A Story of X. Whatever your tastes, we һауе the 

Th el Fins APRIL 1 specials, series and movies to quench your 


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with Playboy TV! 


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04 


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Visit our website: 
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ози Playboy 


PREMIERES APRIL 10 


| PREMIERES APRIL 30 


PLAYBOY 


ON-THE-SCENE 


list. Panasonic, Philips, МЕС, Fujits 


SKINNY DIPPING 


inally delivering оп the promise of wafer-thin electronics, 
the tech avant-garde is introducing TV sets, stereo gear and 
computers that make Calista Flockhart look Rubenesque 
Televisions that hang on the wall top just about everyone's 


Pioneer, Proton, Sony and 


Sharp all manufacture four- or five-inch-thick TVs that weigh about 
80 pounds and can either be mounted on the wall or placed on 


a tabletop. The 
sets, which have 
screen sizes 
from 12 to 50 
inches, use ei- 
ther LCD or gas 
plasma technol- 
ogy for their 
sleek, stream- 
lined shapes. 
Picture quality 
may vary widely 
(images on some 
thin sets have 
been described 
as "soft"), but one 
thing is consis- 
tent: Right now, 
flat is expensive, 
ranging in price 
from $10,000 for 
standard broadcast 
sets to $25,000 for 
high-definition varia- 
tions. If you have the 
bucks for a skinny TV, an 
equally slender speaker sys- 
tem is the perfect comple- 
ment. Variations from Mis- 
sion and Kodel, which are 
based on design specifica- 
tions by NXT Technology, are 
as little as a half-inch thick 
yet deliver the rich sound of 
bulkier cousins. A unique 
take on the skinny speaker 
is the $300 wall-mountable 
ArtGekkos from NCT Audio, 
which features grille covers 


The Kate Moss of notebook 
computers, Sony’s three- 
pound Vaio 505TX ($2500) is a 
300-megahertz powerhouse 
portable with cool options 
that include the wing:style 
stereo speakers ($100) and 
а 14X CD-ROM drive ($300). 


JAMES IMBROGNO 


Hang it on the wall or place it on a tabletop. Ei- 
ther way, Fisher’s Slim 1000 ministereo system is 
214 century sleek—complete with a ver- 


tical compact-disc player, a cas- 
sette deck, an AM-FM tuner 
and an alarm clock. 
The price: $200. 


in hundreds of colors and 
designs. Kodel's Flat Out 
Collegiate slim speaker sys- 
tem lets you choose among 
grilles decorated with NCAA 
team decals. Fisher's equal- 
ly dorm-friendly Slim 1000 
ministereo is another way to 
think thin. It combines a CD 
player, AM-FM radio and 
tape deck with a remote con- 
trol and a pair of speakers. 
And for those who prefer to 
travel light, Sony has set the 
thin PC standard with its strik- 
ing Vaio 505TX ($2500). No 
thicker than one of our holi- 
day issues and weighing less 
than three pounds (compared 
with five or more for a stan- 
dard notebook PC), the 
505TX includes a 10.4-inch 
screen, 64 megabytes of RAM 
and a 6.4-gigabyte hard drive. 


Proton's plasma television, the 42- 
inch PD-42VM, has a 16:9 aspect. 
ratio for viewing letterbox movies 
as well as the ability to fill the 
screen automatically with stan- 
dard broadcast images ($12,000). 


Following Sony's lead, Compaq, Hitachi, IBM, Mitsubishi, Sharp 
and Toshiba have introduced superslender notebooks. Compaq's 
latest Presario 1900 Ultra Thin and Light PCs have 13.3-inch 
screens and fast 366 MHz processors for $3000. That's called slim- 


ming down and beefing up. 


DAVID ELRICH 


WHERE & HOW TO MUY ON INGE EY - 


Tiffani- 
Amber 
Reveals the 
Real Deal 
TIFFANI-AMBER 
THIESSEN has 
given up her 
role as Beverly 
Hills 90210's 
resident bitch- 
goddess to 
make movies— 
From Dusk Till. 


All the 

Way to 
Banks 

TYRA BANKS has 
called her beauty a 
"total creation." 
Sure—God's. As 
Sports Illustrated's 
first black swim- 


barrier. Now she 
breaks hearts. 


Splendor in the Grass 

Grab a 1999 Music City Girls calendar for a great 
‘shot of MELISSA COLLINS on the back cover. The 
Tennessean placed in a Venus Swimwear pag- 
eant. Without the suit, she wins hands down. 


Skirt, Мо Shirt 

Asian Dream Girls calendar model LELE 
TRAN has shown off lingerie on the E 
Channel and Fashion TV and walked the 
runways in New York and South Beach. 


The Sax Man 
Cometh 


MACEO PARKER has 
played with just about 
everyone, including 
James Brown, Bryan Ғег- 
ту, Bootsy Collins and the 
Chili Peppers. Listen to 
Funk Overload and catch 
Maceo's tour. 


Delicious 
DEE NICOSIA has 
appeared in com- 
mercials for banks, 
in print ads for 
Brides magazine 
and on the runway 
for Filene's. Her 
beauty is perfect for 
the big screen. 


The Phairest 
One of 

All 

LIZ PHAIR de- 
scribes herself as 
an “upper-middle 
class cute girl with 
smart parents, 
singing dirty 
words.” We'll buy 
that. You buy 
Whitechocolate- 
spaceegg. 


AH, THE FRENCH 


Only in France would bons vivants and world. 
class marathoners be served grand cru bor- 
deaux as they trot side by side. (At the 24-mile 
mark there's an oyster bar that also serves 
white wine.) No wonder Runner’s World maga- 
zine voted the Médoc Marathon the number 
two marathon in the world. (The New York 
marathon is number one.) Runners dress up in 
costume, and first prize is the winner's weight 
in vino. Call 011-33-5-56-59-17-20 for more in- 


formation on the race, which will take place 
September 4th, or check www.vins-medoc.com. 


BILL AND THE NYMPHS 


Art scholars will know that the 12”x 18” paint- 
ing pictured below is an altered version of 
Adolphe-William Bouguereau's 1873 Nymphs 
and Satyr. Artist Louis Archambault has digital- 
ly introduced President Clinton into the origi- 
nal and dressed him in fishermen's togs. The 
price: $55. For 8295, Archambault will incorpo- 
rate your likeness instead of Clinton's. Send 

a photo profile and check to him at PO. Box 
481, Helena, Montana 59624, or punch ир 
members.aol.com/injwif. 


POTPOURRI 


MINIMALIST 

THINKING 
In July 1995 Emily Prince 
appeared in our pictorial 
Little Women wearing fish- 
net stockings, combat 
boots and not much else. 
Now she's taken her 
less-is-more attitude fur- 
ther and created Barely 
There Skinwear, a cata- 
log of sexy and skimpy 
bathing suits and dance 
outfits. The black vinyl 
number pictured here 
(available in small апа 
medium) is called High- 
way (note the lane-change 
markings and strategically 
placed stop sign). It costs 
$55. If you like it, you're 
going to love Barely 
There's item number 108, 
a double-moon vinyl sling- 
shot suit that’s only $55. 
Call 800-396-6661 to or- 
der either one. A catalog is 
$2, and, sorry, that’s not 
Emily in the photo. 


Anemia 


SOMEWHERE EAST OF SUEZ 


For generations of Britons, the passage from London to India, 
Africa and the Far East was a journey filled with romance. In 
1970 the last of the points-east passenger liners stopped running, 
but the trip lives on in Passage East, a $60 book filled with water- 
color paintings by marine artist Ian Marshall, period photos and 
a narrative by maritime historian John Maxtone-Graham. Call 
800-868-4512 to order, or check bookstores. Great Cats, another 
oversize hardcover, contains “stories and art from a world travel- 
er,” Simon Combes, who set out to find and paint the nine great 
cats of the world. His writing, photos and artwork on India, the 
Serengeti and other exotic locales is an armchair ticket to adven- 
ture. Price: $35, also in bookstores. 


mm ALONG CAME A 
JACK AND THE BARREL SPIDER RIDE 
For the first time, the Jack Daniel Dis- According to Universal Studios 
Шегу is offering barrels of its 94-proof Escape in Orlando, the Amazing 
Single Barrel Tennessee whiskey to the Adventures of Spider-Man “will 
public. The $8500 price (it will vary from be the greatest ride ever built, 
state to state) includes the empty barrel because on it visitors will "hurde 
and 220 decanter-style 750-ml bottles in- through acres of scenic sets and 
to which the barrel's whiskey has been filmed 3D action with conflict 
drained. Around the neck of each bottle raging 360 degrees around. 
isa label with the barrel number and bot- them." Part of the fun of this Is- 
tling date. Call 615-340-1033 for details. lands of Adventure experience, 
which opens this summer, is a 
400-foot "sensory descent" dur- 
ing the pursuit of Doc Ock and 
other villains who have just 
stolen the Statue of Liberty. 
Twenty-five large-format movie 


projectors and dozens of small 
ones create the effects. 


HOP T N FOR LOVE OF A LAWN 

UNAY So what is it with guys and lawns? Are we subconsciously reliving 
the days when our ancestors ran naked on primordial savannas? 

Since our first Or do we just want to show off? A Man's Turf: The Perfect Lawn by 

Club's opening Warren Schultz offers information on just about everything per- 

in 1960, the taining to lawns, including advice from golf course and ballpark 

Playboy Bunny experts, tips on the right equipment and even a visit to the Lawn 

has been a 2 Mower Museum. Price: $35 in bookstores. 

worldwide i 

symbol of so- 

PR TER BILLY CRYSTAL, EAT 


life. Now, as YOUR HEART OUT 


part of our Тһе last great саШе drive of the 
45th anniver- | 20th century saddles up Sep- 
sary celebra- | tember 5-12 as wranglers and 
tion, we're of- 100 tenderfeet move 1000 head 
fering a limited of cattle 65 miles from Mon- 
edition 17%” tana's eastern Badlands to the 
porcelain repli- stockyards at Baker. For $1429 
са that's so re- (plus airfare), you can partici- 
alistic she looks pate in the drive just like Billy 

as though she's Crystal and his buddies did in 
about to do the City Slickers, and you don't have 
Bunny Dip. To to be an experienced rider to do 
order, call so. There will be plenty of camp- 
Modern Icons š fire entertainment and terrific 

at 877-644- Z chow along the way and one 
wingding of a Saturday night 
when you arrive in Baker. Call 
Briar Bay ‘Travel in Miami (800- 
950-9091) to join the roundup. 


МЕХТ МОМТН 


PILL POPPERS 


PLAYMATE OF THE ҮБАН--5НЕ 5 GORGEOUS, SHE'S TAL- 
ENTED, SHE'S FUN. DOESN'T THAT NARROW IT DOWN? 
SORRY, NO MORE CLUES. JUST REMEMBER, SHE'S THE 
LAST PMOY OF THE 20TH CENTURY 


COUNTDOWN TO STAR WARS: EPISODE I—THE PHAN- 
TOM MENACE WE'LL BE STANDING IN LINE LIKE EVERY- 
ONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY FOR THE GUNS, BABES AND BAD 
GUYS. A PLAYBOY EXCLUSIVE 


PUSSYCAT DOLLS—THOSE FABULOUS WOMEN FROM 
LOS ANGELES: VIPER ROOM GRANT US A VERY PRIVATE 
SHOW. MEOW! 


PLAYBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE AFTER COLLEGE—YOU VE 
GRADUATED—NOW WHAT? WHERE TO LIVE, WHAT TO 
WEAR AND HOW TO DATE IN THE REAL WORLD. 


DJ CULTURE—THE WORLD IS RAVING, FROM IBIZA ТО 
CHICAGO. THE WILDEST PARTIES, DJ'S, TURNTABLES, 
CLOTHING AND CLUBS BY CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO 


PUSSYCATS 


CHRISTINA APPLEGATE—THE STAR OF JESSE ON SHAK- 
ING HER KELLY BUNDY IMAGE, DOING IT IN A CHURCH AND 
WHY SHE HAS WORDS OF ADVICE FOR ANNA NICOLE 
SMITH. 200 BY ROBERT CRANE 


AFTER VIAGRA—OUR GOOD FRIENDS IN THE PHARMA- 
CEUTICAL INDUSTRY ARE WORKING ON EVERYTHING 
FROM SEX ENHANCERS TO DIET PILLS TO BALDNESS 
CURES. HERE'S WHAT'S COMING TO YOUR DRUGSTORE 
SOON. BY MICHAEL PARRISH 


SAMUEL L. JACKSON—THE PHANTOM МЕМАСЕ 5 JEDI ON 
RACISM IN HOLLYWOOD, OVERCOMING DRUGS AND WORK- 
ING WITH YODA. INTERVIEW BY MICHAEL FLEMING 


AFTER THE PLAGUE—WHAT IF THE LAST MAN ON EARTH 
DIDN'T LIKE THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH? FICTION BY 
T. CORAGHESSAN BOYLE 


PLUS: PLAYMATE KIMBERLY SPICER, GIFTS FOR DADS 
AND GRADS, AND CAR STEREOS THAT ROCK 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 1999, volume 46, number 5. Published monthlyby Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian 
Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
184 Playboy, RO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail ärc@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 


ИЛ 


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