Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats

AYBOY

ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN AUGUST 1999 ө www.playboy.com

NELL =
MCANDREW N^
NUDE

A FUNNY, FUNNY
INTERVIEW WITH
ALBERT BROOKS

| SHANNON
ELIZABETH

PLAYBOY'S WIZARD
| ` BROKER SAYS,
> «MAKE MORE
| MONEY NOW"

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Де!

ing tar ee av, per cigarette by FIC сло

та

Ç 159 70 4 да

ёсон

2
Е
=.
=
e
5

EARTH. AS VIEWE

x —

Riding along a highway

on a Harley-Davidson®

motorcycle, relaxed and
easy. If there's anything
better than this, we
haven't found it, Wheels
spin. Chrome flashes.
Fresh wind clears out

| your bead. Thick Harley” s

sound pours out your

pipes. And thc world

comes at you over the

trucks, muddy rivers,
gigantic skies, adventure:
an infinity of things
you can only experience
by being on the road
breathing them in.
Generations of riders
would tell you they
could happily spend
eternity here. If you
think you could, too,
call 1-800-443-2153

or visit www. harley-
davidson.com for your
nearest H-D dealer.

The Legend Rolls On.

КОТОВ?
ШЕШТИ

=
ЕЕ Е EE

ATALOS

PLAYBILL

SIXTEEN YEARS AGO Albert Brooks was dubbed “the funniest white
man in America.” He lived. In fact, he got funnier, His most
recent film, Mother (co-starring Debbie Reynolds), broadened
a fan base spoiled by such sharply turned gems as Defending
Your Life and Lost in America. This month the world is treated
to an unprecedented stream of Brooksian humor: a new
movie, The Muse (the sixth film he’s directed in 20 years), and
a feature-length Playboy Interview by Bill Zehme. What a wealth
of nest eggs! Brooks on love: “A woman is like a diving board.
You'll only find her at one end of the pool.” He even remem-
bers what he would have said had he been named best sup-
porting actor for Broadcast News—and we have it.

Stanley Kubrick was more of an enigma than a 200] mono-
lith. Legendary for building a jungle in England for Full Met-
al Jacket and shooting scenes for The Shining more than 50
times, Kubrick was used to getting his way. We never knew
how much, but lan Watson did. He worked with Kubrick prior
to the filming of Eyes Wide Shut, the director's last film, and re-
counts Kubrick's spacey oddities—he had a thing for string—
in My Adventures With Stanley Kubrick (limned in pencil by David
Levine). Another 20th centurion to cherish is Emest Hemingway.
It's the 100th anniversary of his birth. We had Craig Boreth, au-
thor of The Hemingway Cookbook, assemble a расап called Hem-
ingway Style. And it is good.

In the spirit of adventure, we went out on a limb for a few
great women. We saw Lara Croft of Tomb Raider handle a BORETH
pistol and she became the girl of our screens. Hotshot model
Nell McAndrew took on the role of Lara. Now she takes it off in
a pictorial by Richard McLaren. Pic à la mode: Luscious Shannon.
Elizabeth is the treat who stars in American Pie. She stayed in
character for a spread that contains more than just brief nu-
dity. Thanks to fearless acting, recent episodes of Ally McBeal
have had tons of Lucy Liv wows. As litigator Ling Woo, Liu
licked Fish's lips and sucked his finger. In a 20 Questions with
Robert Crane she reveals she's a rock-climbing accordionist who
gets off on having a love slave. Whackadelic, baby!

Next, peerless Joyce Carol Ootes puts some love hurt into an
amazing short story, Summer Sweat. Sex, obsession and two
cheating spouses collide during an artistic retreat. It's a strong
tale of flirting with affliction. The art is by Diane Barr,

During the day, guys take a beating on IV. Then come the
“limp dick” sitcom jokes. Hey—we can take it. We just don't
want to. Which is why The Man Show works. In an offensive,
sophomoric and funny Q. and A., hosts Adam Carolla and Jim-
my Kimmel pick up where your internal monolog leaves off.
They snicker at male Billy Joel fans and men’s fitness maga-
zines. More guy stuff: HBO's mob tale, The Sopranos, brings
together a troubled hood, a gavone of a son and a shrink in
brilliant fashion. We asked Joe Morgenstern to analyze this.

Humor, imagination, balls. We believe a man can work on
self-improvement without staring at another guy's abs for 100
pages. So Ted Johnson hit the irons pile for his review of the
best clubs, and amusing random notes from the PGA tour,
Golf 99. Who needs abs for that? The best financial advice
available today is in Do You Want to Make Money or Would You
Rather Fool Around? Ws an excerpt from the book of the same
name (Adams Media) by Wall Street vet John D. Spooner, Then
Dean Kuipers downloads his favorite music sites in Net Sounds.
The record labels control the charts but they sure don't have
a grip on the wild, wild web. Use Kuipers’ address book to cut
through the chaos. While уоште cruising, keep an eye out for
our equally pecled Playmate, Rebecca Scott. She's a singer.
Lend her your ear.

KUIPERS

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), August 1999, volume 46, number 8. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana-
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster; Send address change to
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com, 5

ar zd | | B
f E 2888
4 || ТИ
| | VM Ma И
| Ш JU

«ОЛТУ
poi =

PLAYBOY

vol. 46, no. 8—august 1999 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN'S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL . 5
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY . Vetera ee. E
HEF'S BIRTHDAY Rast 12
DEAR PLAYBOY... SPA Ee Ren cect ТС
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS ...... SEA aUe Soest 19
MUSIC 22
WIRED эсе БАЗА 055 ... > та: * A 25
MOVIES E A пио. али и LEONARD NALIN 26
VIDEO 30
BOOKS z 32 Lara Croft P74
FITNESS | ~ JIM BENNING — 33
MEN .. TOTNM EO E 5 АЗАВАВЕК 34 k
TELEVISIO! F MORGENSTERN 36
MANTRACK Е 39
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 43
THE PLAYBOY FORUM 5 45
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ALBERT reer Е conversation ..._ 55
SUMMER SWEAT—fiction... . JOYCE CAROL OATES 70
ACTION FIGURE—pictorial . ECE eee 74 2
МҮ ADVENTURES WITH STANLEY КОВРИК personality... IAN WATSON — 82 picking None
NET SOUNDS—music .. cese . DEAN KUIPERS — 66
HEMINGWAY STYLE—article .......................... CRAIG BORETH 92
THE MAN SHOW—«hat ....... по. на... ROBERT CRANE 97
SCOTT FREE—playboy's playmate of the month . 98
PARTY JOKES—humor > M 110
DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MONEY OR WOULD YOU
RATHER FOOL AROUND?—finance......................JOHN D. SPOONER 112

CLOTHES ARE HIS FRIENDS—fashion . ..HOLLIS WAYNE 114
20 QUESTIONS: LUCY LIU.
CANCEL CASUAL FRIDAYS—fashion . . ..HOLLIS WAYNE 120

GOLF '99—article .... > я О TED JOHNSON 124

CAN YOU BUY A BETTER GANE? — сол оло евра cee ILA
SHANNON ELIZABETH pictorial PURE SABRE ЫЛОО gos 180
LIVING ONLINE ........... OO . MARK FRAUENFELDER 140
LITTLE ANNIE FANNY hvmor. ¿RAY LAGO ond BILL SCHORR 143
WHERE & HOW TO BUY e 149,
PLAYMATE NEWS 27 ООС CU A dong 167
PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE on PESA EE СЕЗ E ^ 171

COVER STORY

What does Nell McAndrew have in common with Tomb Raider Lara Croft? They
share o tasie for action, champagne and hot chocolate, and—oh, yes—Eng-
land's belle Nell was the original model for the video cybervixen Loro. Our
cover this month was shot by Richard McLaren and styled by Chris Baker.
Nell's hair was styled by Laurent D. for Privé, with makeup by Klexius Kolby for
Visages Style. Our ever-fashionable Rabbit looks darn good in camouflage.

WIR SELECTEO SUBSCRIPTION COPIES. NEWPORT INSERT BETWEEN PAGES 158-189 IN SELECTED OOMESTIC NEWSETANG AND
CERTIFICADO DE LicrTUD DE TÍTULO NO. 7870 DE FECHA 19 DE JULIO OE 1593, Y lt DE CONTENIDO NO. S108 DE FECHA 29 OE JULIO OE 1993 EX 7
PLOIDOS POR LA COMISION CALIFICADORA DE PUBLICACIONES Y тє USTRADAS DEPENOIENTE OE LA SECRETARIA DE GOBERNACIÓN. MÉXICO. RESERVA OE TÍTULO EN TRÁMITE

PRINTED IN U.S.A.

wash it, smooth it
gel it, slick it
get it !

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief,

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
ТОМ STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors
JOHN REZI

assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE
associate editor; JOSHUA GREEN editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; BETH
томкик associate editor; DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor;
BARBARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUNDGREN assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor;
CAROL ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, CAROL KUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, JOYCE
WIEGAND-Bavas editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE director; ЈЕ

IFER RYAN JONES assistant

editor; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edilor; KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD ЕКОЕНИСН

editor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; LEE BRAUER,
GEORGE HODAK, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANAMEED ALANI, TIM

GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA. JOAN MCLAUGHLIN, BETH WARRELL proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN
GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF

ART
KERIG POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior directors;
SCOTT ANDERSON assistant art director; ANN SEIDL supervisor, keyline/pasteup;
PAUL CHAN senior arl assistant; JASON SIMONS art assistant

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west Coast editor; JIM LARS

ON managing editor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN
senior editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCÉS, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; DAVID
CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA
contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chicago; BILL WHITE studio
manager—los angeles; sHELLEE WELLS stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library

RICHARD KINSLER
publisher

PRODUCTION
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; KATE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, CI

DY PONTARELLL,
RICHARD QUARTAROL!, TOM SIMONEK associate managers; BARB TEKIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU Lypeselters;
BILL BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK. ELAINE PERRY, assistants

CIRCULATION
LARRY А. DJERF newsstand sales director;

HYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director;
CINDY RAKOWITZ communications director

ADVERTISING
JAMES DIMONEKAS, advertising director; JEFF KINMEL, neu york sales manager; JOE HOFFER midwest
sales manager; IRV KORNBLAU marketing director; TERRI CARROLL research director

READER SERVICE
LINDA STROM. MIKE OSTROWSKI correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE,

MARCIA TERRONES rights & permis

ns director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

ALEX MIRONOVICH president, publishing division

the real american fragrance

Blue collar. White collar.

How about
no collar

NO ADDITIVES • NO BULL

9 mg. "tar", 0.7 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette ——
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. No additives in our tobacco
does NOT mean a safer cigarette.

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY

hef sightings, mansion frolics and nightlife notes

TABLE-HOPPING

Look who Hef ran into at Chasen's: former B
flame Barbi Benton (above). On the right, the
Bentley twins, Brande Roderick and PMOY
Heather Kozar kept Hef company at Barlly on
Sunset Strip while Ben Affleck dropped by the
table to say hello.

HEF SHINES WITH F
THE ALL-STARS *
Hef and his statuesque blondes
gave Celine Dion the squeeze |
play during Sony's pre-Oscar
party at Le Mondrian. The oth-

er star power included Madonna
and Chris Rock (lower left),
Sandy Bentley and Michael
Bolton (below), and Hef w

Sean "Puffy" Combs (right).

SABLE
WOWS THE
MANSION
PLAYBOY's April
cover girl and
World Wrestling
Federation beau-
ty Sable cooked
up a promo

Hef at the Wish-
ing Well that ran
on the USA Net-
work's Raw Is
War. Sable didn't
flip Hef over her
shoulder, but it
looks as if she
caught his eye.

What do you give a man who has every-
thing? A hamper full of his favorite blue
pills and a pajama-themed 73rd birth-
day party. Some highlights: (1) Victoria
Silvstedt and Priscilla Taylor put on a
show. (2) Next comes a birthday spank-
ing. (3) Jonathan Williams, Martin Law-
rence and Kenny Whack. (4) Heather
Kozar, Mandy Bentley and Jessica Pais-
ley. (5) Natalia Sokolova and Baywatch's

| David Chokachi. (6) George !
Clooney and pal. (7) "Weird Al"
Yankovic and Tina Bockrath.
(8) Ice-T. (9) Viva multiples!
The Dahm triplets and the |

| Bentley twins. (10) Shannen |

| Doherty, Charmed, we're sure.
(11) Jimmy and Linda Caan.

\ (12) Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. (13)

hen Affleck and Stephen Dorff.

cain? 7

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY
= » Eine del

i n
al е tip Кереге |
+ Crisp 500-line resolution with Progressive Scan CCD —

* integrated snapshot
digital photographs
+ A bright, clear 3.8-inch
* High-speed recording with |
Motion playback š у
е PC connectivity, including А5232 cabl

When Performance Matters
www.jvc.com

DEAR PLAYBOY

680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE.
‘CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611
FAX 312-649-6534
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOY.COM
PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER

GEEZ, LOUISE, IT’S CHARLIZE
Now that I've seen Charlize Theron in
а sexy PLAYBOY pictorial (May), I'll never
be able to watch Mighty Joe Young with my
kids the same way again.
Ron Edwards
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Congratulations to photographer Gui-
do Argentini for the outstanding pic-
tures that capture Charlize's beauty and
show off her incredible physique. From
cover to cover, this issue is a keeper.

Jeff Anderson
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Charlize’s exquisite face, shapely legs
and beautifully chiseled body demon-
strate that a woman doesn't have to have
big breasts to exude sexuality.

German Vanegas
Houston, Texas

What a refreshing break from the usu-
al big-busted babes. Thanks, Charlize,
for sharing the real thing with rrAvBov
readers.

Jim Fraiser
Jackson, Miss

Charlize proves that залувоу doesn't
need a 36D girl on its cover to sell the
magazine.

Jim Vice
Portage, Michigan

DON'T DELAY
Now that I've read the article about
Texas Republican congressman Tom
“the Hammer” DeLay by “Megaphone”
Molly Ivins (The Exterminator Rep, May),
I'm looking forward to a profile on De:
ocrat Dick Gephardt, Who will write it?
Pat Buchanan? Rush Limbaugh? Pat
Robertson? Remember, fair is fair.
‘Todd Caudle
Pueblo, Colorado

Tom DeLay and others like him spend

most of their time and our money look-

ing for ways to bring down the oppos-
ing party. They're more concerned with
clubhouse games than they are with
working on this nation's problems. It's
time for politicians to wake up, grow up
and give it up.

Matt Gonzales

San Antonio, Texas

Molly Ivins, who never saw a Republi-
can she didn't hate, has given us another
load of her left-wing Texas crap.

Ronald Litz

Conway, South Carolina

So Tom DeLay is in favor of dirty air,
dirty water, DDT and mirex in breast
milk? Does he also kick puppies and
steal lollipops from little girls?

David Weller

Reading, Pennsylvania

ACE OF SPADE
I love your Playboy Interview with Da-

vid Spade (May). He’s funny and witty,
and if he ever writes a book about Hol-
lywood babes, I know it will be a best-
seller,

Jack Nusan Porter

Newton Highlands, Massachusetts

It's interesting to watch a guy with a
bad attitude achieve so much success.
Robert Young
Anaheim, California

FIT TO KICK BOOTY
I'd like to thank John Ellis for includ-
ing capoeira in his Kick Butt to Stay Fit ar-
ticle (Fitness, May). As a practitioner of
this discipline for nearly ten years, Im
happy to see that capoeira is finally get-
ting the recognition it deserves as a mar-
tial art. Too often, experts dismiss it as а
form of gymnastics or break dancing.
Jack Lee
San Francisco, California

"The fitness article about martial arts is
interesting, but I don't agree with your

corns have been hand-picked

from the Elvis Presley Pin Oaks

at Graceland. They have grown
into small. direct offspring trees
that are ready for you to plant
at your home, school, commu-
nity or to give as spe-

cial gifts. Every tree

purchased sup-

ports American

Forests. =

Plant a tree for births, weddings,
memorials and new homes.

ERICAN
QFORESTS

People Caring For Troes And Forest Since 1875,

Receive a complimentary catalog of trees in
American Forests" Famous & Historic Tree
collection. Hundreds to choose from.
20-8733, Fax: 800-264-6869,
rite: AMEIUCAN
si rees, 8701 Old
kings Road, Jacksonville, Florida 32219.

Email: historicir@aol.com

(Е Prise дой ra are repaired гата Ба Prey
Басра ик 10990 turpis ие

PLAYBOY

explanation of wing chun. You refer to it
as a leaping art, but the principle of wing
chun is to stay rooted to earth so you're
more stable during a fight. Wing chun is
not an art for demonstration of physical
prowess but rather for strategy. It's high-
ly recommended for smaller people and
older people who can't fight with en-
durance. This is why it’s regarded as the
thinking man's martial art.

Ivan Cales

Lewisburg, West Virginia

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
lt was great to see 1965 PMOY Jo

Collins talking to a Vietnam vet in April's
Playmate News. 1 still have my photo of
Jo with a message on the back, which I
received in Da Nang just before the
1968 Tet offensive. I'd like to thank her
for the photo and the kind words, and
thanks to PLAYBOY for allowing us to vote
for our favorite Playmate and for giving
us a wonderful distraction. Bob Hope
couldn't do it all.

Michael Gorman

Whitestone, New York

SPRING BREAK
My friends and I planned a trip to
Lake Havasu, Arizona and noticed that
you listed it as the best place for a three-
some (Wish You Were Here, April). Before
we left, we joked about having a ménage.
à trois there, but none of us believed it
would really happen. On the last day of
our trip, we met and partied vith five
girls from Utah State. I dropped a hint
about PLAYBOY's endorsement, and not
long after that, I was back in my room
with not one but two girls. 1 had an un-
believable night. PLAYBOY hit the mark,
and I now have that page from the mag-
azine framed and hanging in my room.
My friends and I have some great mem-
ories from that weekend. The message
to all nonbelievers is: Before you go on
spring break, check out pLavnoy
Adam Davis
"Tempe, Arizona

‘The sight of young college girls baring
all brings me to pray that spring could
provide us with the weather for a UK
version. Alas, this will never happen.
Don't get me wrong—English girls have
ample charm and beauty. Spring break,
however, epitomizes the American free
spirit and fun that many of us in Eng-
land can only wish for. And so I say to
my American cousins: Embrace spring
break as if it were a national treasure.
One day I, too, will be a spectator; you
will know me as the pasty-faced man
whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy and grin-
ning like a Cheshire cat.

Paul Wallen
London, UK

A BLAST FROM THE PAST
1 applaud Asa Baber for his May Men

16 column (“My Older Brother"). Praising

Catullus or any writer from antiquity is
unusual. So many people dismiss the no-
tion that ancient voices have something
to say to modern audiences. The chal-
lenge is to bring more of these authors to
mainstream attention. My list includes
Terence, Plautus (he inspired Shake-
speare), Seneca, Ovid and Virgil.

‘Todd Wineburner

Peoria, Illinois

OH, LUCKY MAN
The Hangin’ With Hef feature makes
me drool with delight. I want to come
back as Hugh Hefner in my next life.
Parkson Lin
Newport Beach, California

IN THE WILD

My compliments to everyone involved
in creating the Playmates on Safari pic-
torial (May). 1 have never seen a more
stunning and sensual spread. The back-

drop of Africa is unbelievable, and so
are the Playmates—Jami, Karin and Ra-
chel Jeán.
Stephen Lee Roldan
Aiea, Hawaii

I wish I had been a lion cub on that
safari.
Jason Foster
"Three Rivers, Michigan

As a Gemini, I've always considered.
the May issue of PLAYBOY my birthday is-
sue. So thanks for the present of Karin
Taylor nude on safari.
Kelwyn Wright
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

TRIPLE LETTER SCORE

The "Hard Scrabble" item in Playboy
After Hours (May) suggests that tup is an
offensive word. While it can be used to
refer to sheep shagging each other, it's
much more widely used as a synonym
for ram—both the animal and the act of

butting something. The more you play

Scrabble, the odder the verbiage.
Andrew Lenahan
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

HERE COME THE JUDD
Your 20 Questions with Ashley Judd
(May) is terrific, but it leaves me wanting
more. I first fell for her eight years ago
when she played an ensign on Star Tiek's
U.S.S. Enterprise. 1 was pleased to see
what Ashley looked like out of uniform a
few years later in Normal Life. Now I'm
hoping PLAYBOY will ask her to be in a
pictorial.
Rich Poole
Phoenix, Arizona

Ashley Judd is the kind of woman

most of us spend a lifetime searching for.
Scott St. James

Hollywood, California

VIVA LAS VEGAS

Just what 1 needed—another reason
to go to Las Vegas. Miss May, Tishara
Lee Cousino (Tishara), can blow on my
dice any time.

Dana Youngblood
Fort Collins, Colorado

NOT FUNNY, ANNIE FANNY
Regarding your Little Annie Fanny са
toon in May, which pokes fun at militia
types and hints at the Oklahoma City
bombing: I was in high school in Okla-
homa City in 1995, and ГЇЇ never forget
the way the building rumbled from the
blast or the faces of students as they wept
in fear, not knowing if their family mem-
bers were alive. The deaths of 168 inno-
cent people is no laughing matter, what-
ever the intent of the cartoonist.
Josh Coley
Oklahoma City,

Oklahoma

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
Many thanks for the mention of Life-
Minders in May's Living Online column.
After years of forgetting birthdays, I find
this web service a helpful reference that
will keep me out of the doghouse.
Matt Heric
Durham, North Carolina

BLOW THE MAN DOWN
I take offense at the idea that wives

should add a blow job to their list of
things to do (Is There [Oral] Sex After Mar-
riage? April). Oral sex should never be a
chore. It takes two to do the proverbial
tango and two to make a marriage work.
If married men want more sex, oral or
otherwise, they ought to lend a hand
around the house. Then maybe women
would have some energy left for fooling
around.

Lynn Eckroth

Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario

IF VOU WANT TO DRIVE A

NEW CHEVY SILVERADO...

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY Grand P | 2 1

1999 Chevy" Silverado ALWAYS THERE
and a Stanley? Tool Set INA PI NCH

| ! —
Rand-McNally Айаз | © Ki OAL | |

Another fine product from U.S. Tobacco Co.

Chevy is a trademark of the General Motors Corporation. @Stanley is a registered trademark of The Stanley Works and its subsidiaries.

E AN OIL THAT NOT
ONLY DEFENDS, IT
ATTACKS.

ineered around

armful |
particle.

and old, including vehi-

Syntec’s patented stabilizers seek out
and engulf harmful particles keeping

rS them safely away from engine parts."

patrol your But that's not t

g for par- protects yc ngine. Its uniqu

утес unique ticles. Whether
molecular components
bond to engine parts.

they're с ngine parts.

FULL SYNTHETIC MOTORON

» THE ACTIVE
ses 2. LUBRICANT.

PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS

LOSE THE JACKPOT BELLY

First, Vegas went family. Now it's go-
ing total lifestyle. With the slogan “Put
your heart into gaming," Fitness Gam-
ing Corp. is pushing a stationary bike
and treadmill equipped with slot ma-
chines. The machines don't work unless
you're gambling and exercising at the
same time. With the Pedal N' Play Cy-
cle and the Money Mill you get cardio-
vascular activity while waiting for the
skipped heartbeat that accompanies a
payoff. The official design concept?
“Save Lots of Time." Before you surmise
the Strip has gone all public service, com-
pany literature explains that without
these machines “the spa exercise floor
offers little or no source of revenue.”
Мом, if they’d wire a NordicTrack to а
two-armed bandit, you could get a full-
body workout.

NOOKIE MONSTER

There's nothing about a Vulva Puppet
that suggests it’s for men, and that’s why
we had to have one. Case in point: It
comes with a video, Masturbation Mem-
oirs, that has all the earthiness of a Co-
lonial Williamsburg demonstration on
churning butter, Still, we got quite a kick
when our handmade puppet arrived
from Dorrie Lane of San Francisco's
House O' Chicks (www.houseochicks.
com). The puppet is designed аз а plush
satin map for explorers of the Southern
Hemisphere and features everything
from clitoris to G spot. It works well as
a pillow, doubles as an oven mitt and
doesn't slide around when you put your
fingers into it.

PUBESCENT PINHEAD SOCIETY

According to a study at McLean Hos-
pital in Belmont, Massachusetts, there’s
a good reason teenagers act so dumb:
They are. Researcher Deborah Yurge-
lun-Todd says the teen brain is not fully
developed. When shown photos of faces
wracked with fear, almost all teens got
the emotion wrong. Most adults got it
right. Scans of the teens’ brains showed
increased blood flow to the amygdala,
which governs gut reactions. Adults had

greater activity in their frontal lobes, the
part that uses reason. Yurgelun-Todd
says the prefrontal cortex is also one of
the last areas of the brain to develop.
Why? Because she says хо.

COLORBIND

Should you have a mind to dye your
hair, be warned that the various shades
LOreal offers for men may give you se-
rious pause. Aesthetic imagery aside, it
might prove difficult to decide whether
your natural hair color is “camel,” “cher-
ry cola” or “gothic.”

TALKING HEAD

Jerry Garcia hasn't allowed his demise
to interfere with his reflections on life.
Former Dead guitarist Bob Weir's sister
Wendy, who claims psychic abilities, has
been chatting at length with Jerry's over-
soul, which is presumably a sort of rain-
coat for the ka. The result, In the Spirit:
Conversations With the Spirit of Jerry Gar-
cia (Harmony), contains the dead head
Deadhead’s thoughts on such subjects as
astrophysics and dragons. Some of the
musing seems a bit un-Jerry-like, such as

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

his denunciation of recreational drugs as
“destructive. . . Our higher conscious-
ness cannot help or even be heard when
our energy field is filled with the stag-
nant black blobs left by drug use.” Uh,
Wendy, are you sure you're not picking
up Jerry Brown's oversoul?

VIAGRA FLAWS

Citing a recent FDA report, The Wall
Street Journal warned its readers that one
might experience “speech disorder, hal-
lucination, tinnitus, hiccups, eye rolling,
euphoric mood, dry mouth, confusion,
insomnia, abnormal thinking, increased
sweating and abnormal dreams” as pos-
sible side effects of Viagra. Yeah—but
only when it's working right.

RINGING ELLE'S BELLS

‘Thanks to the enterprising Caribbean
nations of Antigua and Barbuda, which
have issued a set of postage stamps de-
picting her in various poses, you can
now lick the entire backside of Elle
Macpherson.

OFFICER DOWN!

The spirit of Barney Miller is alive but
bruised in the Fingerprint and Photo
Unit of the Seattle Police Department. A
series of injuries involving a piece of de-
partmental office equipment has necessi-
tated a special training program for the
unit's civilian employees. The focus of
the training: how to safely sit in a stan-
dard desk chair with rollers. As one su-
pervisory memo cautioned, “Take hold
of the arms and get control of the chair
before sitting down." Be careful in there.

TORI ANUS

Our vote for mood-killing non sequi-
tur of the month goes to piano player
Tori Amos, who told Wine X magazine, “I
hear the wine. 1 hear it before I taste it.
It's calling me. And then 1 start to hear it
when I'm tasting it. Not that I put crystal
suppositories up my ass.” Of course not.
No way they'd slip past the cork.

RAW DATA

QUOTE

“No man ever
made love to a wom-
an because she kept
a clean house."—
JOAN RIVERS PRENUP-
TIAL ADVICE TO HER
DAUGHTER

TEST TUBE BABIES

In a survey of 300
parents, percentage
who say they want
their child to become
a doctor: 52. Per-
centage who want
him or her to be-
come a best-selling
novelist: 19. A pro
athlete: 13. A human
rights activist: 5. A
movie star: 4. Presi-
dent: 2.5.

FISTFUL OF DOLLARS
According to an Indiana University
study, average number of minutes in
a two-hour WWF Raw Is War episode
that is devoted to wrestling: 36. Aver-
age number of times wrestlers grab or
point to their crotches: 33.

PARASKAVEDEKATRIAPHOBIA
Percentage of Americans who fear
Friday the 13th and who would rath-
er stay home on August 13, 1999: 15.

LATE BLOOMERS
According to researchers at DePaul
University in Chicago, percentage of
normal adults who say they are chron-
ic procrastinators: 20.

THE UNTOUCHABLES

In a study by Consumer Reports on
the seven types of wide-body jets used
on most long flights, percentage of
coach-class seats that were unde-
sirable (middle seats, seats close to
lavatories and those that don’t re-
dine): 41,

PATENT MOVES
According to IFI/Plenum Data
Corp., percentage increase in num-
ber of patents granted by the U.S.
from 1997 to 1998: 33. Number of
patents granted to IBM: 2682. Num-

FACT OF THE MONTH
The body temperature of
gamblers typically rises 1.5
degrees when they are in-
volved in high-stakes games.

ber of patents grant-
ed to Canon: 1934.
Number of patents
granted to NEC:
1632. Number to Mo-
torola: 1428.

CELL BREAK
Number of pay tele-
phones on the side-
walks of New York
Gity: 32,239. Num-
ber of applications
pending for addi-
tional telephones:
19,965. The year the
first outdoor phone
booth appeared in
New York: 1960.

HOWDY, STRANGER

According to the
1997 Survey of State
Travel Information
Centers, number of visitor centers in
Nebraska, the state with the most tour-
ist facilities: 24.

TOP FLITE DOCTOR

According to a test by Golf Digest,
the highest heart rate experienced by
a heart surgeon performing a four-
hour quadruple bypass operation: 88
beats per minute. The highest heart
rate experienced by the same sur-
geon during a round of golf: 111
beats per minute.

CALLING GRUPO TELEFONO?

Average annual telephone bill for
an American family: $400. Average.
annual telephone bill for a family in
Mexico: $1062.

WE ARE THE WALRUS

According to research by Colleen
Ball, number of times since 1945 that
state or federal judges have referred
to Humpty-Dumpty in their analysis
of a legal dispute: 383. Number of ju-
dicial opinions citing Alice in Wonder-
land: 357.

GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOTS
Percentage of Americans in a Har-
ris poll who correctly identified кос-
cer as the sport played in the World
Cup: 52 BETTY SCHAAL

MOBY GRAPE

Now to cleanse your palate, While it
might not make anyone forget ecstasy—
or even microbrews—winerave.com has
become one of our favorite websites.
Wine Brats (wine.brats.org) use the site
to chronicle their national tour of incon-
gruous-sounding parties, with upcom-
ing stops in San Francisco, Atlanta and
Los Angeles. In case you didn't know,
here's the definition of a Wine Rave: a
wine tasting at a hip venue featuring
contemporary music, performance art,
interactive fashion, new media and food.
The website also helps you pair wine and
music. Jewel goes nicely with a Bonny
Doon Pacific Rim Riesling (“the BDPRR
bottle screams fluffy female songstress”),
while Pat Benatar is well suited to Cor-
bet Canyon chardonnay (“rocking and
cheap”). Which brings to mind our fa-
vorite misheard lyric: Hit me with your
best rot.

PALM SPRINGS CHICKENS

The Fabulous Palm Springs Follies
opens with a Busby Berkeley number.
The company of sexy showgirls, which
includes a former Rockette, does 232
performances. year and is known as the
Legendary Line of Long-Legged Love-
lies. The big kick? Their average age is
just shy of 70. These hoofers were doing
shuffle changes with Fred Astaire and
Ruby Keeler. Throw in the dog tricks of
Bob Moore and His Amazing Mongrels
and occasional star headliners such as
Donald O'Connor and you understand
why the vaudeville show grossed more
than $10 million last year. Fighty-six-
year-old Maryetta Evans’ show-stopping.
splits alone are worth the $65 price for
an orchestra seat (so what if she needs
help getting up?). A few feathers, stra-
tegically placed sequins and genuine
smiles later, and you'll marvel at how
greasepaint does wonders for liver spots.

ODDS AND ENDS

Last year was a bumper year for wa-
gering in England. Though the betting
business primarily involves horse racing
and other sporting events, more esoteric
prognostications were entertained. With
the millennium upon us, bookmaking
firm William Hill of London is offering
odds on the end of the world. It has al-
ready covered such bets as civilization
destroyed by mass suicide at 100 million
to 1, destruction by aliens at 500,000 to
1, worldwide floods at 100,000 to 1 and
a conventional apocalypse via world war
at 1000 to 1. One punter put a pound
on 6,666,666 to 1 odds that the world
would end at six РМ. on the sixth day of
the sixth month of 1999. Another loony
took 1 million to 1 odds that the world
would end on August 11, 1999 at 12:50.
рм. Happily, that's Jerry Springer's time
slot in many major markets.

Disaronno Originale.

Italian. Sensual. Warm.

U Light А Fire

COUNTRY

DURING THE NINETIES country music con-
quered the world but almost lost its soul.
Like the blues, country used to be emo-
tionally raw music that reflected the re-
al lives of working class and rural peo-
ple. But when Nashville adopted the
worst aspects of corporate rock (includ-
ing overpolished production and senti-
mentality), it bleached the honk out of
America’s roots music. Surprisingly, it
was Nashville outsider Dwight Yoakam
who most successfully updated country's
sound over the past decade while re-
maining true to its populist ideals. A dis-
ciple of the Bakersfield school of Buck
Owens and Merle Haggard, Yoakam was
one of the few original voices to achieve
mainstream success without compromis-
ing his individuality. Last Chance for a Thou-
sand Years: Dwight Yoakam’s Greatest Hits
From the Nineties (Reprise) reveals an art-
ist who balances tradition with innova-
tion. He rocked his ass off with a little
help from guitarist Pete Anderson оп
Fast as You and put the twang back into
Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love—
one of three new tracks in this collection.
And with А Thousand Miles From Nowhere,
Yoakam writes one ofthe most exhilarat-
ing hooks to hit country radio in de-
cades. If Nashville's moguls want to re-
verse country's sagging sales and bland
musical output, this collection is the
place to start. — VIC GARBARINI

As alternative country goes, both Wil-
co's Summer Teeth (Reprise) and Old 975
Fight Songs (Elektra) vill be sure to elicit
howls of outrage from steel-guitar loyal-
ists. Both are long enough on tune to
satisfy a rock-and-roller's need to hum
along. Old 97's guitar-hooked lyrics are
а surer means to good songs than the
piano-dominated pop that Wilco's Jeff
Tweedy uses so skillfully. Try Oppenhei-
mer, the name of the street where the 975
Rhett Miller falls in love, or 19, about
being too young to know just how good
уоште getting it, —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Every Saturday night in the south-
western Virginia town of Hiltons, the
Carter Family Fold takes place. Electric
instruments are not allowed. Profanity
is prohibited and the past is acknowl-
edged. That's the spirit that drives Press
Оп (Risk), a homespun June Carter Cash
autobiography through song. Cash is the
daughter of country icon Mother May-
belle Carter. And her first solo project in
25 years features sidemen such as hus-
band Johnny Cash and former sons-in-
law Rodney Crowell and Marty Stuart.
Press On includes a deliberate gospel
cover of the Carter Family classic Will
the Circle Be Unbroken, while Johnny and

22 June duet on the calling-me-home bal-

Dwight Yoakam's greatest hits.

No hokum from Dwight Yoakam,
Tom Waits or Mike Ness, but
just a little from Lester Bowie.

lad Far Side Banks of Jordan. Mother May-
belle would be proud. —DXAvE HOEKSTRA

ROCK

By neither getting too famous nor giv-
ing up for a quarter century, low-life
chronicler Tom Waits has evolved into a
role model for young alt-rockers who
hope someday to be old alt-rockers. So
after checkered careers on two major la-
bels—the second summed up nicely on
last year's Beautiful Maladies—Waits took
the logical step: He signed on with the
punk indie label Epitaph. Yet Mule Varia-
tions, his first new music in six years, is
the least confrontational album he's re-
leased since his 1973 debut. It’s surpris-
ingly tender, adding more blues to the
clanging cabaret-rock he invented in the
Eighties. Waits is as sardonic as ever on
Big in Japan, Eyeball Kid and What's He
Building? But elsewhere it’s as if his love
for his wife and collaborator Kathleen
Brennan has taken over his music. This
adds a welcome dimension to his weird-
ness. Here’s hoping young alt-rockers
get the point. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Social Distortion made a transition
from punk to roots rock more skillfully
and naturally than any other band I can
think of. The key was leader Mike Ness’
whispered growl and his fearless lyrics.
Ness’ debut solo album, Checting at Soli-
taire (Time Bomb), doesn't alter the for-
mat much. The rhythms still range from

controlled punk slams to Johnny Cash
shuffles. Even the jazz influence that
shows up on Misery Loves Company and.
Crime Don't Pay comes from the Peter
Gunn school. What makes the album dif-
ferent is ће degree to which Ness expos-
es himself. Some of his greatest songs al-
Jude to his struggles with drugs, which
he sings about without a pinch of self-
pity. He sings You Win Again, with the
Hank Williams line “Just trustin' you was
my great sin.” Dope Fiend Blues is an hon-
est and unflinching portrait of what it
means to struggle with addiction. “I sold
my soul to the devil and then I stole it
back,” Ness says. You might think that
means Cheating is about survival, but
that’s not right. It’s about living as an
honorable person. — AVE MARSH

Motórhead's Everything Louder Than Ev-
eryone Else (BMG), а live double album,
captures the essence of the band about
as well as anything they've recorded in
their 24-year existence. Funny, humane
and absolutely terrifying, this is death.
metal at its most invigorating.

— CHARLES M. YOUNG

R&B

Eric Benét finds himself caught be-
tween two approaches to R&B at the
millennium. He's not a sample-driven,
hip-hop influenced new jack man like
R. Kelly, nor is he a retro soul brother
like D'Angelo or Maxwell. On his second
album, A Day in the Life (Warner Bros.),
Benét works hard to polish his neo-soul
credentials. There's a duct with the gift-
ed Me'Shell Ndegéocello, Ghetto Girl.
There'san effective, though unlikely, cov-
er of Dust in the Wind, a Seventies soft-
rock standard by Kansas. On these апа а
few other songs, Benét positions himself
as an artist outside the mainstream. But
despite that, Benét still makes many соп-
cessions to the middle-of-the-road soul
music he's trying to avoid. Although he
has a warm, comfortable voice and heart-
throb looks, he rarely lights a fire under
the material. —NELSON GEORGE

SALSA

Because everything is a hybrid these
days, I can’t make any revolutionary
claims for the cowboy rumba on Cowboy
Rumba (Palm Pictures) by Ned Sublette.
But he's highly entertaining and origi-
nal. A native of Lubbock, Texas, Sublette
thinks the point of music is joy, as did
fellow Lubbock native Buddy Holly.
Sublette also has a promiscuous love of
many musical forms, confining himself
here to a variety of Caribbean (especially
Cuban) and South American rhythms.

‘sous, USA ORIGINAL MOVIE eme
MATTHEW LILLARD MICHAEL VARTAN RANDALL BATINKOFF KERI RUSSELL

BROUGHT то YOU BY
HYUNDAI

FAST TRACKS

Е 6. a l a A
6 7 А 7 7
TOSE 6 8 9
8 8 5 22

GIVE TCHAIKOVSKY THE NEWS DEPART-
MENT: Metallica and composer Michael
Komen's gig with the San Francisco
Symphony is now history. Both the
band and the symphony played at full
tilt. Metallica's James Hetfield's predic-
tion turned out to be true: The con-
cert attracted symphony goers who
otherwise wouldn't have gone to a
Metallica show, as well as kids who nev-
er would have gone to a symphony.

REELING AND ROCKING: Ice-T is trying
ТУ again, this time as a martial arts
master on UPN's The Disciples. . . If
Warner Bros. gets its way, Lauryn Hill
will play her future mother-in-law, Ri
ta Marley, in the film bio of Bob. . . -
Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott and Busta
Rhymes arc interested in a cartoon sc-
ries and their management is working
with HBO to see if they can come up
with the right project.

NEWSBREAKS: Blues Traveler John Pop-
per has recorded a solo project and
should be out on tour as you read
this. . . Because there'll never be an-
other Freddie Mercury, the surviving
members of Queen are considering re-
cording again with a revolving group
of singers. .. A drama about Janis
Joplin, Love, Janis, played to sell-out
crowds in Cleyeland, Austin and Den-
ver. Based on letters the singer wrote
to her family in Port Arthur, Texas
after she moved to San Francisco,
the production includes 20 songs,
plus a full band and two singers to try
to do them justice. .. . The Allman Bros,
are currently headlining a 30-city
Nascar tour, Nascar Rocks America. It
will have tie-ins with CBS Sports,
TNN and Westwood One radio. “Cars
have always been part of rock and
roll,” says Gregg Allman. . . INXS will
release a greatest hits CD with previ-
ously unreleased tracks on it later this
year. . . . Smokey Robinson, Chaka Khan,
Hammer, Naomi Judd and Charlie Daniels

are involved in a $7 million TV cam-
paign promoting Bible reading. .. .
Pete Townshend plans to write another
musical after he finishes his autobiog-
raphy. Called Psychoderelict, it’s about a
middle-aged rock star. . . chuck D has
another book coming out this fall, a
diary about Public Enemy. Cher's ex-
tensive tour—her first in eight years—
will reach 32 cities, ending on August.
14 in Seattle. Look for her. . . . Paul Me-
Cartney news: The rumor is that Sir
Paul will tour the U.S. accompanied
by an album of Sixties cover songs he
recorded with members of Pink Floyd.
He was recently proclaimed the rich-
est musician in the UK by The Sun-
day Times. As of 1998, he had earned
$832 million. . . . Look for Carlos San-
tana On tour until the end of August.
The tour kicked off. appropriately
enough, at the Fillmore in San Fran-
cisco. .. . Tom Jones recorded the Talk-
ing Heads’ Burning Down the House with
the Cardigans for an album of du-
ets, Reload, coming out in September.
Other artists expected to participate
include the Stereophonics, Space, Robbie
Williams and Van Morrison. . . Does Ti-
na know? Mariah Carey has won the
Hanes Best Legs Contest, having beat
out Cameron Diaz and Nicole Kidman.
The punk bands working and living
on Manhattan's Lower East Side are
waging war against Mayor Rudolph
Giuliani in art and song. Said one:
"We've had it with the dance police,
the morality police and zero toler-
ance.” The single is New York City Is
Dead. .. The cancellation of Lolla-
palooza 99 has elicited a promise of
the “ultimate lineup” for the millenni-
al summer... . Lastly, is this creepy or
what? Kurt Cobain's childhood home
was on sale this past spring in Ab-
erdeen, Washington, just in time for
the anniversary of his death.

— BARBARA NELLIS

Hetells storiesabout drinking and cheat-
ing, in the country tradition. Imagine
George Jones singing over the Рем Ar-
naz band. The album opens with an in-
spired joke, а merengue rendition of
Ghost Riders in the Sky that also works as а
startling reinterpretation of a familiar
melody, Sublette has also breathed new
life into that Buddy Holly warhorse Not
Fade Away. — CHARLES M. YOUNG

JAZZ

Ex-Police guitarist Andy Summers is
one of the few rock musicians with the
taste and balls to attempt an entire al-
bum of jazz legend Thelonious Monk's
tunes. And he's probably the only one
with the skill to pull it off. On Green Chim-
neys (BMG) Summers’ tart playing cap-
tures the essence of Monk's knotty so-
phistication and humor. The album's
obvious highlight is Summers’ first col-
laboration in over a decade with fellow
Monk devotee and Police front man
Sting. Sting's exquisite vocals on Round
Midnight will only intensify demands for
a Police reunion. —VIC GARBARINI

The latest CD from veteran trumpeter
Lester Bowie's Brass Fantasy is titled The
Odyssey of Funk and Popular Music (Atlan-
tic). And he means it. This is avant jazz
that has a strip club sense of fun, and
а sense of humor that might crack up
George Clinton. Do you know of anoth-
er serious musician vith the nerve to cov-
er the Spice Girls and Marilyn Manson,
or to turn The Birth of the Blues into a sur-
real burlesque house exercise? You cer-
tainly don't know one who also has the
compassion for Notorious Thugs, a tribute
to the Notorious B.I.G. Bowie is such а
serious jazz artist that he doesn't need to
deny his humanity. — DAVE MARSH

FOLK

James Keelaghan writes narrative lyr-
ics and fuses folk and pop as well as any-
body around, and his big folkie voice is a
sweet successor to fellow Canadians Ian
‘Tyson and Neil Young. Road (High Tone)
has two great story songs, Number 37 and
My Old Man, and two terrific meditations
on mortality, Message to the Fulure and
Who Dies? — DAVE MARSH

RAP

Without a lot of hype until Lauryn Hill
won all those Grammys, Ruffhouse Rec-
ords has been one of the decade's best la-
bels. Now celebrating its tenth anniver-
sary, it's home to a variety of talents from
hip-hop to pop. On Ruffhouse's Greatest
Hits (Columbia), musicians such as Kriss
Kross, Cypress Hill, the Fugees and Wy-
clef Jean have kept this inventive indie
from being swallowed by the giants.
15ОМ GEORGE

WIRED

NEW KID ON THE TECH BLOCK

Its a couch spud's dream come true: а
television picture so clear you can sit
with your nose pressed to the screen and
still not detect flaws in the image. That's
the promise of high-definition television.
The reality: The digital sets now on sale
in the U.S. are useful only in the 30 cit-
ies where HD programming is available.
While we wait for broadcasters to get
their acts together, a company called
Loewe is offering an excellent option:
TVs optimized for satellite and DVD
movies that also work magic with stan-
dard broadcasts. Never heard of Loewe?
"That's because the European television
maker just recently entered the States
with an impressive line of digital TVs. At
a time when most U.S. television mak-

ers are just introducing their first digi-
tal sets, Loewe is hitting specialty elec-
tronics stores with its sixth-generation
models. As with many early digital TVs,
Loewes make use of standard-definition
technology, which means the picture is
twice as good as what you get now but
still isn't true high definition. It also
means the 30- to 36-inch direct-view sets
are a fraction of the cost of an HDTV
(between $3800 and $5000, compared
with a starting price of about $10,000
for HDTV). То achieve the enhanced
picture quality, the digital circuitry in
Loewes processes images at double the
standard speed. That eliminates the
black scanning lines you ordinarily see
at close range and gives even conven-
tional broadcasts filmlike purity. The
TVs also digitize audio tracks in order
to enhance channel separation and cre-
ate surround-sound effects from stereo
sources. Loewe's sets feature both com-
ponent and S-video jacks for high-end
video sources (including a high-defini-
tion converter box), as well as inputs
for connecting a computer. And because
they are optimized for movie viewing,
the sets perform a convenient function
They recognize letterboxed DVDs and
adjust the image to fill the screen. Our

pick: the Loewe Planus, a 30-inch wide-
screen TV with a platinum finish. The
price: $4400. — JONATHAN TAKIFE

IT'S IN THE BAG
You just spent $4000 on a fully loaded

notebook computer. Instead of carrying
it in a boring bag like every other corpo-
rate drone, consider lugging your laptop
in one of these multipurpose carriers.
Traveler’s Briefcase ($750 to $1050):
This is the closest thing we've found to a
bespoke bag. Made of lightweight, hand-
finished cowhide in textured walnut or
led black, the oversize (22-inch) Liti-
gation model is an all-in-one briefcase,
computer carrier and overnight bag. Di-
viders help organize a suit, shirts, laptop,
back-up drive and power supplies, Lap-
Dog ($140): Leave it to an archi-
tect to design a sleek carrying Ir
case that unfolds into a mobile

workstation. Made of coated

ballistic nylon, the LapDog

has two zippered saddlebags
that drape across your legs or
an airline tray. Tumi Safecase

($250-$575): Roomy enough to
hold a computer, a cell phone, files

and even lunch, this comput-

er case is made of ballistic nylon or
leather and features a bonus: a pat-
ented sling suspension that protects lothe
your computer by preventing it
from touching the bottom of the bag.
Kipling Provider ($74): Guys who pre-
fer to go casual should check out Kip-
ling's Hacker line of backpacks. Our fa-
vorite model, the Provider, comes in
yellow, brown or black and is spacious

enough to go from home to office to the
gym. It even has a pocket to hold your
CD-ROMs. —LINDA STROM

Hunting and pecking on the tiny keyboards af Windows СЕ
computers is irritoting, іо say the least. But a recent entry,
Sharp's Mobilon TriPad, is a lot more user-friendly—on
several fronts. The TriPad’s keyboard is roomier than
most. And, thanks to с color disploy that’s bigger
[just under ten inches), it’s eosier to read what's on
1he screen. As you con see from the photo, the Tri-
Pad also looks shorp. Suspended on futuristic-
looking arms, the color display can be adjusted
three ways (hence, the name). You can position
it like а conventional notebook when you're
working, at on eosel angle for presentations or
flat over the keyboard for toblet-style com-
puting. It incorporates touchscreen É
technology, ollowing you to
lounch softwore with a pen
top. Tech specs include 16
megabytes of RAM, a 33.6
kbps modem, coble connec-
tions for synchronizing files with
а desktop computer and a Type

Il PC Card slot. The price: cbout
$1000. —BETH TOMKIW

WHERE & HOW TO BUY ОМ PAGE 149.

_ MOVIES

By LEONARD MALTIN

WRITER Hanif Kureishi has created a
uniquely personal body of work, in pi
and on-screen (My Beautiful Laundrette,
Sammy and Rosie Get Laid). The latest
adaptation of his work, My Son the Fanatic
(Miramax), is cut from the same cloth.
Om Puri plays a hearty Pakistani taxi
driver who has convinced himself that
he lives a good life in England, So why
is his wife so morose and his son turn-
ing against him? Puri finds escape and
a kind of fulfillment in his relationship
with a young prostitute (Rachel Grif-
fiths), toward whom he feels both open
and protective. His own conflicted feel-
ings emerge as he goes about the details
of setting up a sex party for vi:
nessman Stellan Skarsgárd. Kur
scribes this as “a romantic film with
ideological edges.” That's as good a de-
scription as any, but points should also
go Lo director Udayan Prasad for bring-
ing it to life so realistically. УУУ

It's easy to see why The Blair Witch Proj-
ect (Artisan) was one of the more talked-
about films at this year’s Sundance Film
Festival. But it struck me more as a so-
phisticated film-school project than a
movie. Shot on a minuscule budget in
eight days, it tells of an ambitious and
verbose young filmmaker (Heather
Donahue) who hires a cameraman and
soundman to document a legend of lo-

George Lucas made fans wait 16
years to see the new episode of his Star
Wars saga. But the films that inspired
Star Wars kept their fans in suspense
for only а week ata time. Those Satur-
day matinee serials from the Thirties,

E FIRST JEDI KNIGHTS

Forties and Fifties not only fueled Star
Wars but also Lucas’ and Steven Spiel-
berg's other enduring creation, /ndi-
ana Jones.

Serials were made for kids—just like
Star Wars—and took their young view-
ers to a world of daring feats, secret so-
cieties, masked villains and quests for
lost treasure. The plotting and dia-
logue were strictly juvenile, but there
was something almost hypnotic about
their appeal.

Aficionados agree that Republic
Pictures produced the best serials,
though Universal made history with its
Flash Gordon series, based on the ex-
traordinarily popular futuristic comic
strip by Alex Raymond. Former Olym-

Villeret and Lhermitte: Whining and dining.

Harnessing the force,
freaking out,
fooling around.

cal witchcraft. The trio gets lost in the
woods. As hunger and sensory depriva-
tion set in, their desperation grows more
intense, The actors, who ad-libbed most
of their dialogue, were subjected to some
of the same deprivation in shooting the
film. (Remember Laurence Olivier's re-

pic swimmer Buster Crabbe starred as
space traveler Flash. Pretty Jean Rog-
ers played Dale Arden and thunder-
voiced Charles Middleton played the
evil Ming the Merciless, ruler of the
planet Mongo.

Many serials are available
on video, but you shouldn't
watch them through Nineties
еуез. Most of the special ef-
fects look primitive, yet their quaint-
ness gives them a sort of charm. A.
couple of years ago, I tried out Flash
Gordon on my young daughter. She
found the acting stilted and some of
the situations corny, but she got caught.
up in the cliff-hangers—the chapter
endings that leave the hero in peril.
Back in the Thirties kids had to wait a
whole week to see how Flash got out of
his latest predicament. My kid insisted
we fast-forward to the next chapter
right away.

Flash Gordon (and its follow-up, Buck
Rogers) aside, B-movie factory Repub-
lic Pictures owned the franchise. They
had the best stuntmen, the most in-
genious special-effects team (Howard

mark to method-mad Dustin Hoffman:
"Why don't you try acting, dear boy? It's
so much simpler.") The guerrilla meth-
ods used to shoot the picture account for
much of Blair Witch's self-generated mys-
tique, nurtured by a website that’s been
going for months. I must admit that
by the end of the film, I was involved—
and disturbed. I just wish I hadn't been
aware of the wheels turning quite so
much along the way. УУУ;

No film in recent memory has gener-
ated more anticipation than ster Wars:
Episode I—The Phantom Menace (20th Cen-
tury Fox). But from the moment of the
first screening, the same people who had
built up such tremendous expectations
started tearing down the film. Come on,
folks: This isn't the Second Coming, it's
another Star Wars movie. Like the origi-
nal, it is aimed primarily at kids, but the
overage kids who now constitute so
much of the Empire's fan base forget
that. "They also forget that (a) many of
them were much younger when they fell
in love vith the original and (b) movies
have changed since 1977. Even Jedi-
meister George Lucas is mildly embar-
rassed by the initial trilogy—especi
the first installment—and tried to
prove" the pictures for their recent the-
atrical reissue. In the days before Star
Wars, more than 20 years ago, audienc-
es were unaccustomed to special-effects
movies, and adults generally didn't go to

and Theodore Lydecker) and the most
experience. Indeed, serials such as The
Adventures of Captain Marvel, Daredevils
of the Red Circle and Zorro's Fighting Le-
gion still look great.

In Zono's Fighting Legion stuntman
Yakima Canutt falls under a fast-mov-
ing stagecoach, letting the coach run
over him, and grabbing the back end.
(He repeated the gag in John Ford's
Stagecoach.) When Steven Spielberg re-
created the stunt in Raiders of the Lost
Ark, he inserted a camera cut midway
through; Canutt performed the amaz-
ing feat right before our eyes.

George Lucas makes no bones about
the effect those serials had on him. He
saw them on television, not in theaters,
but they captured imagination just
the same. He even opens each film
with a rolling-word prologue and uses
old-fashioned optical wipes to transi-
tion between scenes. When 1 teased
him about making us wait so long
between chapters of his modern-day
serial, ће smiled and said, “When 1
get it all finished, you can watch one
every week.” —LM.

WASH YOUR
FEMININE SIDE
CLEAN OFF.

Cromwell: A payoff for paying his dues.
OFF CAMERA

James Cromwell had to work 35
years to become an overnight sen-
sation, but playing Farmer Hog-
gett in Babe turned everything
around for this dedicated actor.
He hasn't stopped working since,
appearing in such films as Star
Trek: First Contact, The People vs. Lar-
ту Flynt, LA Confidential and The
General's Daughter.

He plays publishing magnate
William Randolph Hearst in RKO
281, the forthcoming HBO movie
about the making of Orson Welles’
Gitizen Kane, and has sizable parts
in Snow Falling on Cedars with
Ethan Hawke and The Green Mile
with Tom Hanks.

As if that weren’t enough, he
and his wife, Julie Cobb, are rais-
ing four children. But then, acting
is, in Cromwell’s words, “a family
business." His wife, also a perform-
er, is the daughter of the great Lee
J. Cobb. Cromwell's mother, Kay
Johnson, starred in Cecil B. De-
Mille’s notorious extravaganza
Madam Satan. Her husband, John
Cromwell, later directed her in Of
Human Bondage, with Bette Davis.
John Cromwell worked extensive-
ly in theater and film, and became
the first president of the Screen
Directors Guild.

James’ pet project right now,
which he's spearheading, is a cam-
paign to build a multimillion-dol-
lar fine arts college on the Lakota
Indian reservation at Pine Ridge.
Being able to use his fame to make
this happen gives Cromwell enor-
mous satisfaction, “Norman Lear
said it best: “The purpose of ce-
lebrity is to spend.” If you try to
keep it to yourself, it will ultimate-
ly eat you up. It’s a very rich des-
sert, but if you give it away, it will
go a long way."

As for his career, "Cahiers du
Cinéma always categorized my fa-
ther's work as being gentlemanly,
and I would love to have that rep-
utation as an actor—gentlemanly.
"That appeals to me." -LM

see youth-oriented B movies with souped-
up visuals. The film also reintroduced
the concept of the symphonic musical
score. Since that time, the nature of
mainstream moviemaking has changed,
and we've been overwhelmed by juve-
nile action-and-adventure yarns smoth-
ered in (or by) visual effects and thun-
dering soundtracks. I went to see The
Phantom Menace with no particular agen-
da, and I had a good time. It was not
a life-changing experience, nor was it
meant to be. It's clear that the film is
aimed at kids, like the old Saturday mati-
nee serials (see accompanying story) that
inspired it. That feeling is underscored
by the presence of a goofy, flop-eared
sidekick named Jar Jar Binks as well
as by Jake Lloyd as fatherless Anakin
Skywalker (who grows up to become
Darth Vader) and Natalie Portman as
the Queen of Naboo. But the film is an-
chored by the quietly commanding рг
ence of Liam Neeson as Jedi Master Qt
Gon Jinn. He's ably supported by Ewan
McGregor as his apprentice, Obi-Wan
Kenobi. In structure and tone, Menace
reminded me most of the first Star Wars
movie. Lucas doesn’t try to throttle his
audience as, say, producer Jerry Bruck-
heimer so often does in such films as Con
Air and Armageddon. The action scenes
are exciting and well staged, and the
look of the film is unique. But Lucas’
greatest achievement is using today's
special-effects technology to create a
world—an environment, if you will—
that stretches as far as the eye can see. It
includes characters that, like Jar Jar,
don't exist, but seem absolutely, tangibly
real. If that isn't enough for some peo-
ple, tough luck. УУУУ;

We've had dumb, we've had dumber,
but here's something novel: a smart
movie about а dumb guy. This one is the
work of France's master of farce, Francis
Veber, who wrote La Cage aux Folles. It's
called The Dinner Game (Lions Gate). The
object of the “game,” played by Thierry
Lhermitte and friends, is to invite the
stupidest person one can find to a din-
ner gathering. A friend tips Lhermitte to
the existence of a plodding civil servant
(Jacques Villeret) who creates famous
monuments of the world with match-
sticks and revels in discussing his hobby.
Lhermitte is having trouble with his wife
and with his back. It looks as if dinner
will have to be postponed, but when
Villeret arrives at his apartment, he's re-
luctant to leave. The well-meaning bo-
то tries to help his host, and screws up
in ways that only Veber could create.
Whats so wonderful, and refreshing,
about this film is that it fits together in
perfect harmony. There are no loose
ends or jarring left turns. It simply gets
funnier and funnier, and, unlike almost
everything that calls itself a comedy this
year, it made me laugh out loud. ¥¥¥/2

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by leonard maltin

Besieged (6/99) Thandie Newton and
David Thewlis are disparate charac-
ters drawn together in unexpected
ways by Bernardo Bertolucci. УУУ
The Blair Witch Project (See review) A
provocative tale of three would-be
filmmakers who get literally lost in
the woods pursuing witchcraft, ¥¥/2
The Dinner Game (See review) A French
farce that will make you laugh out
loud. УУУУ»
Election (6/99) Grade-A satire about
high school life, and earnestness in
general, with perfect performances
by Reese Witherspoon and Matthew
Broderick. yyy
Existenz (6/99) Jennifer Jason Leigh is
a game designer trapped in a virtual
world that's her own creation—or is
she? Ask director David Cronenberg,
if you care. Yh
Limbo (7/99) Director John Sayles
scores again with this unusual, intelli-
gent study of characters at a cross-
roads in their lives, set in modern-
day Alaska. %
The Loss of Sexual Innocence (7/99) Tal-
ented filmmaker Mike Figgis stum-
bles with this excruciating treatise on
sexual awakening that plays like a
parody of a Sixties art film. У
The Mummy (Listed only) А stupen-
dously stupid movie that goes on for-
ever. Wrap this опе in bandages. У
My Son the Fonatic (See review) Sati
fying drama from writer Hanif Ku-
reishi about a cabdriver in England
whose life starts to implode. wy
Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Men-
ace (See review) If you don’t go ex-
pecting a life-changing experience,
you'll have fun. Ie
Tea with Mussolini (Listed only) Cher,
Maggie Smith, Judi Dench, Joan
Plowright and Lily Tomlin star in this
entertaining film based on director
Franco Zefhrelli’s experiences grow-
ing up in Florence with a handful of
surrogate mothers in the Thirties
and Forties. wy
The Winslow Boy (6/99) Nigel Haw-
thorne gives an exquisite perfor-
mance in David Mamet’s remake of
the Terence Rattigan play. wy
Xiu Xiu: The Sent-Down Girl (6/99) Joan
Chen co-wrote and directed this in-
triguing film about a Chinese city girl
who is sent to the country as part ofa
cultural exchange that is marred by
corruption. wa

УУУУ Don't miss
УУУ Good show

YY Worth a look
У Forget it

In a 0⁄4 ЋЕ (књ a qt loe. | lft wf a Вий илои in all of Spain or Ћано, of
lal OF бе, anh, my apelin р dru мее of rea. A man д net St едикт Per.

VIDEO

“Му favorite mov-
ie of the year was.
Life Is Beautiful
by Roberto Be-
nigni,“ says Em-
my winner Cam-
ryn Manheim of
ABC's The Prac-
tice. "It made me
appreciate my life
more, every bit of
it. And I like Happiness because it shows a
kind of humanity we've never seen before.
While | prefer to perform in dramas, | like
to watch both dramas and comedies. Har-
old and Maude, for example, is an amazing
film. Unfortunately, Cat Stevens has joined
the ranks of some strange people, but | re-
member his music in that movie as being
really good.” — SUSAN KARLIN

WHEN GOOD SINGERS GO BAD

"Sweet Baby" James Taylor and Beach
Boy Dennis Wilson cruise the country
in a 1955 Chevy, racing all comers іп
Bao Lane Blacktop (1971). The film, which
is destined for cult status, is coming to
video for the first time this fall. Mom al-
ways said stick to what you do best; some
singers never learn.

Lisztomania (1975): The Who's Roger
Daltrey plays composer Franz Liszt in
Ken Russell's mind-numbingly strange
biopic. How weird? There's a chorus of
dancing penises, and Ringo Starr plays
the Pope.

The Bride (1985): Somebody call the Po-
lice: The monster has more electrici-
ty than Sting’s zombielike Dr. Franken-
stein in this uncalled-for remake of the
James Whale classic.

Heorts of Fire (1987): You think Bob Dyl-
an's singing is indecipherable? In this
movie, you need subtitles. Dylan plays
mumbling mentor to young singer Fio-
na. Screenplay (not that we could under-
stand it) co-written by Joc Eszterhas.

A Certain Sacrifice (1985): You can see why
burgeoning star Madonna tried to nix
this film's video release. The Material
Girl needed better material.

Pure Country (1992): Pure hokum. Juke-
box hero George Strait, pressed Wran-
glers and all, downsizes his Carth-sized
career to get in touch with his inner
child. Right.

Give My Regards to Broad Street (1984):
Middle-aged Paul McCartney tries to ге-
capture the infectious nuttiness of the
Beatles’ A Hard Days Night and comes up
with flightless Wings

Yes, Giorgio (1982): No, Luciano! Rotund

30 opera star Pavarotti plays a rotund opera

star, and not convincingly.
One-Trick Pony (1980): Despite writer-
composer-star Paul Simon's best efforts,
the title is apt.

Tickle Me (1965): Even diehard Elvis Pres-
ley fans have to admit this dumb clunker
tickles them not. Where's Ann-Margret
when you need her?

Falling From Groce (1992): Larry McMi
try's screenplay gives Midwest rocker-
rector John Mellencamp a decent melo-
drama to work with, but few have seen it.
Runaway (1984): You would think Kiss
tongue-meister Gene Simmons would be
ideal as a futuristic villain, but he can't
scare up a thrill in this Tom Selleck epic.
Gene, you live with Shannon Tweed —
stay home!

The Jezz Singer (1980): Granitelike Neil
Diamond shirks his career as a cantor to
become a rock star. So where's the jazz?
Or the point? — BUZZ MCCLAIN

DISC ALERT

It's fantastic, but you may want to wait.
That sums up the DVD release of The Lost
Emperor (Artisan, $30), Bernardo Berto-
lucci's 1987 Oscar-hoarding biography
of Pu Yi (John Lonc). The 160-minute
American cut of the film took home nine
statuettes, including ones for best pic-
ture and director, plus cinematography
(by Vittorio Storaro), art direction and
costume design. In the 218-minute di-
rector's cut DVD. all these facets of the
film shine brighter—enhanced consid-
erably by context. In addition to flesh-

ALL THIS
JAZZ!

Rhino Home Video is re-
leasing a series of digital-
ly remastered tapes of the
Jazz Casual television pro-

gram, which was created

by Ralph Gleason and origi-

nally broadcast on NET dur-

ing the Sixties. Each tape

features an intimate look at a jazz legend,
and the spectacular series so far includes
John Coltrane, Count Basie, Carmen Mc-
Rae, Mel Tormé, Cannonball Adderley and
Dizzy Gillespie ($14.95 each).

ing out Lone's role and that of Peter
O'Toole as Pu Yi's English tutor, the lon-
ger version flows better, illuminating
both the intricate politics and the fasci-
nating personalities. (Who would believe
а two-hour-and-40-minute movie could
actually be improved by an additional 58
minutes?) Still, for this version, Berto-
lucci and Storaro darkened some scenes
from the Amcrican release to better mir-
ror Pu Yi's troubled spirits. That means
either (a) lights out in the viewing room,
especially if your monitor is anything
less than superb, or (b) wait for the un-
announced but inevitable special edi
tion, with digital remastering that will
likely improve contrast in those scenes.
—GREGORY P. FAGAN

Affliction (a nasty, bitter chip aff the old baozehaund block
meets his smoll-tawn destiny; exarcising work by Coburn

DRUNKS

ond Моне), Му Name Is Joe (Glasgow prole on the dole taes

the AA line; rich and unpreachy, and Peter Mullan is terrific).

Another Day in Paradise (junkie grifters adopt a teen couple;
James Waods makes sleaze fun, os always), Playing by Heart
{to love—or try—in LA; Altmanesque ensemble—Sean Con-
nery, Dennis Quaid, et al.—chorms but falls short).

Hilary ond Jackie (an egocentric cellist covets her sister's nor-

NOTE WORTHY

malcy; nat Shine Il, thanks ta Rachel Griffiths ond Emily Wot-
son), Still Crazy (fictional Seventies Brit rackers Strange Fruit

reunite; drall in а Spinal Top-meets-the Commitments way).

LET THE MENTHOL Move YOU.

о
m
2
о
о
75
ge
=
m
о
о)
m
wn
>
m
=
=
==
O
5

15 mg "tar; 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. с Philp Moris nc. 1999

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

IT'S A SMOOTHER PLACE TO BE.

BOOKS

TAKE A BREAK

Vacation. The Go-Go's sang about it. Chevy Chase staked his
career on it. These days, even the Rugrats get one. If you're
one of millions of Americans who will partake this summer,
you should raise a glass to Nation-
al Cash Register president John
Patterson. He was the first corpo-
an i rate honcho to recognize the val-
" Š; ue of time off, granting a week's
paid leave in 1913 to employees

who had 20 years of service.
This is the sort of thing you'll
"HF learn if you ditch that beach
novel in favor of Cindy Aron's
Working at Play: A History of Vo-
cations in the United States (Ox-
ford). Quoting from travel di-
aries and news accounts, Aron
chronicles the evolution of the
vacation from the exclusive
privilege of the 19th century.

leisured cass to the entitlement of the

20th century middle class. For many people, she says, earning
a vacation was not just an economic struggle, but a struggle of
conscience. With their work ethic shaped by Puritan doctrine,
many Americans associated leisure with idleness. Aron sug-
gests that for those who go on vacation armed with laptops
and fax machines, this conflict may still be at work. It's curi-
ous, thoughtful stuff, but Aron is guilty of working a bit too
hard herself. —PAUL ENGLEMAN

P ad a Pra
4 DA

MAGNIFICENT

OBSESSIONS

You Can Get What You Want: Two incre:
ble books recently arrived at our offices.
Rolling Stone Ron Wood's Wood on Can-
vas (Genesis) is an autographed limited
edition of his master portroit prints. His
commentary and reminiscences accom-
pany drowings of Mick, Kei-
th ond Charlie—as well as
Dylan, Hendrix, Lennon and
Keith Moon, omong others.
The beautifully bound book
comes with o four-track CD
оп which Ronnie is joined
by Dylan, the
Edge, Bobby
Womack
ond lon McLagan. It’s not cheop (5325).
Call the Govinda Gollery at 800-775-
1111 for more information. Hi-
ro came to New York in the
Fifties to work with Richard
Avedon ond as о stoff pho-
tographer for Harper's
| Bazaar. Now Avedon hos
edited Hiro (Bulfinch), o
retrospective of Hiro's
40-year career. When Hi-
ro shot ће Stones in ће
Seventies, Ron Wood
wos o newcomer. Hiro
wos already a pro.

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT?

Jan Harold Brunvand's Too Good to Be True: The Colossal Book of
Urban Legends (Norton) ought to be required reading for any-
one who thought Kurt Vonneguts MIT graduation speech
was authentic. That infamous ode to sunscreen has since been
correctly attributed—and is now a hit pop song. It's also
a shining example of an urban legend—something writer
Calvin Trillin defined as “modern folktales that usually carry
the sniff of the apocryphal and the embellished." Heard the
one about the baby alligators that were flushed into the New
York City sewer system? How about the woman who tried to
dry her pet in the microwave? Surely everyone has heard of
Richard Gere's gerbils. These stories and others are exposed
as fiction. Brunvand, a University of Utah folklorist, has col-
lected hundreds of such tales in five previous volumes. In
this one, he traces more with

a collector's attention
to detail. He also has
a sharp eye for the
kind of inconsistencies
that prove a story bo-
gus. Rest assured that
thereis no ring of New
Orleans thieves that
preys on drunks and
steals their kidneys
Nor is there a $250
cookie recipe from
Neiman Marcus. Brun-
уап 5 investigations are often as interesting as the stories. He
traces the infamous Kentucky Fried Rat legend to a biblical
parable. A baby-eating dog story, circulating on the Net,
evolved from medieval legend. Occasionally, Brunvand dis-
covers that a story is true there really was a sick boy in Eng-
land named Craig Shergold who hoped to break the world's
record for the most get-well cards received (he did, and sub-
sequently recovered). Before e-mail became the vehicle of
choice, many urban legends were printed as letters to Ann
Landers and in Readers Digest. Even today, they are regularly
incorporated into movies, books and sitcoms. Urban legends
persist, argues Brunvand, because people can't resist a good
story. Read this book and you'll agree. — JOSHUA GREEN

FLY ME TO THE MOON:
This summer, Hollywood tronsported millions of theatergoers to an-
other goloxy with the lotest Star Wars blockbuster. But a flight of fon-
cy never can compore to the real thing. Full Moon (Knopf) by Michael
Light tokes you to the moon and
bock in 129 mesmerizing NASA
photographs. This coffee-table
book commemorates the monu-
mental journeys os seen through
the eyes of the Apollo astro-
nouts who made the voyoges 30
years ogo. You'll experience lift-
off, о walk in spoce, the lunar
landing and sploshdown. And
the best por is that you feel os
though you are there.

—HELEN FRANGOULIS

FITNESS

BRAIN BRAWN
By Jim Benning

Tf you're like a lot of men, you do what you can to stay in de-
cent physical shape, but feel powerless when it comes to im-
proving your mental fitness. Either your synapses are firing,
or they're not. Here's some news: Mental health experts be-
lieve you have a lot more control over your gray matter than
you think. “We used to assume that the brain was hardwired,
like a computer, and that over time it would deteriorate,” says
Dr. Robert Goldman, author of Brain Fitness: Anti-Aging Strate-
gies for Achieving Super Mind Power. “What we know today is
that you can actually make the brain stronger with training.”
Dr. Goldman and others don't promise miracles. If you're
mathematically challenged now, you're not likely to
become 2 rocket scientist any time soon. And as
you age, you still may find it more difficult to re-
call names and places. But if you eat properly,
exercise regularly, get enough sleep and push —
yourself to think in new and different ways, you —
can markedly boost your brain power from one —
day to the next as well as over the long haul. 2

BRAINTEASERS

When was the last time you forced your
brain to perform an unfamiliar task? It's
probably been a while. “Like water,
people tend to take the path of least
resistance," Goldman says. But a key
way to boost your mental perfor-
mance is to make brain training part
of your life. Research indicates that
taxing the brain with unfamiliar ex-
ercises can improve such mental
skills as learning ability and memo-

y. So Goldman suggests you seek

new challenges regularly. Among his
favorite brainteasers: Wear your
watch upside down and on the other
wrist. Use your weaker hand to perform

mundane tasks such as brushing your teeth. Memorize a po-
em. Read a book that’s turned upside down. Focus on your
weakest areas. If your language skills suffer, break out the dic-
tionary and learn a new word each day. If your math skills are
lacking, ditch the electronic devices and perform calculations
by hand. Like kids learning their multiplication tables, “you
have to make your brain sweat,” Goldman says.

SMART FOODS

"To fuel their bodies, marathon runners carbo load with pas-
ta the night before а big race. But what you eat—and when
you eat it—also affects brain functioning. "It's the ground-
work,” says Pierce Howard, author of The Owner's Manual for
the Brain. What you need to know: Sugars and fats boost sero-
tonin levels in your brain, relaxing you or making you sleepy.
Complex carbohydrates and proteins, on the other hand,
trigger the release of catecholamines, hormones that increase
alertness.

То keep sharp during the day, Howard suggests you avoid
fats and sugars in the morning. “Have cereal, whole grain
toast and skim milk,” he says. “The best way to feel bloated
and nonproductive is to eat doughnuts or pastry.”

What about coffee? It's fine, even helpful, in moderation.
“Think of it in terms of a dose," Howard says. “Caffeine is a
drug, and its effects last about six hours."

For lunch, again have proteins and complex carbohydrates.
Turkey with mustard or nonfat mayo on whole wheat or rye
bread is ideal, according to Howard. And you should eat
fats—they re essential to maintaining neural cell membranes.

SUA

«Е

Stick to the healthy kind, found іп avocados, olives and nuts.
And save the bulk of your fat intake for dinner, when you're
winding down.

Finally, rather than cating three meals a day, try consuming
smaller amounts of food more frequently throughout the day.
Research indicates that this approach not only raises your
metabolic rate (enabling you to burn more calories), but also
helps stabilize your mood and your energy levels.

CATCH YOUR 775

You may not need a full eight hours to feel alert in the
morning, but establishing sleep patterns will do wonders for
your mental acumen. Jim Loehr, sports psychologist and au-
thor of Stress for Success, recommends setting up а sleep ritual.

At night, keep to a 30-minute presleep routine. Wash
your face, brush your teeth, do some deep breath-
ing—whatever it takes to hit the pillow with a clear
head and calm nerves. Then, set the alarm so you
get up at the same time every day—and don't
push the snooze button. This pattern trains your
body to be alert and sleepy at specific times, thus
maximizing your brain's potential.

STRESS WORKS

When you focus on a certain task, say
hammering out your company's annual
budget, chemicals in the brain produce
the necessary electrical charges to get
the job done. However, neurologists
have found that if the work—and the
related stress—continue for too
long, the chemical stores will be de-
pleted. Our physiology is such that
we can deal effectively with mental
pressure for about 90 minutes and
then our brain requires a break of
ten to 20 minutes to refuel. Accord-
ing to Loehr, these recovery periods
not only prep you for the next go-
round of pressure, but also help build a
stronger brain. “Stress is a stimulus for growth,” he says, “but
recovery is when you actually grow.”

OXYGEN BOOST

You may want to maximize your brain break by taking a
walk. Improving brain power is one more incentive to exer-
cise regularly. A three-year study conducted in California
found that individuals who exercised three times a week
showed improved mental reactions, while the reaction times
of sedentary subjects declined. Cardiovascular exercise, in
particular, boosts oxygen flow to the brain. Not only does the
extra oxygen help you think quicker, but recent research sug-
gests it can lead to the production of new brain cells as well.

Of course, you don’t have to wait years to reap those re-
wards. Twenty minutes of cardiovascular exercise promotes a
healthful feeling of relaxation that can last up to four hours,
says Jack Raglin, an associate professor of kinesiology at Indi-
ana University. When to induce that feeling, of course, is up to
you. But you would be wise to use it your advantage. “Some
people time their exercise dose to precede a stressful event,”
he says. “Others prefer to exercise afterward. You can go have
a couple of cocktails, or you can run a few laps.” Whatever
dears your head.

ONE FINAL (IMPORTANT) THING

Goldman offers another great reason to work out your
mind: “Men have to realize that brain health and sexual
health are related. The more alert and alive we feel mentally,
the more sexually proficient we'll be. Use it or lose it.”

МЕМ

orget Eric Harris and Dylan Kle-

bold (and any other shooters)
They may be the young men who shot
and mortally wounded Columbine High
School's teacher and basketball coach
David Sanders (as well as 12 students).
But hundreds of other students unwit-
tingly—and through no fault of their
own—contributed to Sanders’ death.
How? By having no idea what to do un-
der fire and running around like the
innocent and untrained civilians they
were, instead of hitting the deck and
getting out of the line of fire. Coach
Sanders behaved heroically that day, run-
ning through the school yelling at stu-
dents to get down on the ground so they
would be less of a target.

In an act of incredible bravery and
love, he exposed himself to fire and
saved many lives. But it might have oc-
curred to David Sanders that if he lived
to teach another day, he would institute
a required course at Columbine called
Under Fire. On the first day of class, he
would stand before the students and col-
leagues and say, “1 ат not here to make
you paranoid. I am here to teach you
survival skills. Because it’s not Kansas,
anymore, folks. Columbine has entered
the 21st century, and you people who
are so dear to me need to learn the fun-
damentals of self-protection.”

With that in mind, here are some basic
rules for survival under fire:

(1) When you hear shooting nearby, drop to
the ground immediately. This should be in-
stinctual. Practice doing it until it be-
comes natural to you. Do not wait to find
out if the sound you heard was a сар gun
or a firecracker. Just get down. Sure,
some of your more naive and supposed-
ly cool friends will laugh at you—for as
long as they live.

(2) Learn to identify the sounds of gunfire.
Go to a rifle range and a pistol range and
listen. Learn to distinguish between the
sound of a car backfiring and that of
gunfire. And remember: The sounds of
gunfire cannot kill you, but bullets can.

(8) When you hear an explosion, do nol
stand and gawk or move toward the source.
Do not run lo a window to watch. Do not poke
your head around a corner to see what you
can see. Just get down. Curiosity has killed
a few cats and tons of people. One of
the reasons lower-grade infantry officers
(lieutenants and captains, in particular)
have such a high mortality rate in com-

34 batis that they are paid to stick their

By ASA BABER

UNDER FIRE:
THE RULES

heads up to see what is happening. They
are professionally expendable prairie
dogs in a high-risk environment. Don't
you become a statistic, too.

(4) Vigilance begins with location, location,
location. There are times when you are
simply in the wrong place at the wrong
time, as some students at Columbine
High School learned on April 20. No
one’s safety is guaranteed. But you can
train yourself to be more aware of your
surroundings in order to minimize your
risk of becoming a trapped target. For
example: Wherever you are, chart your
means of escape. Sit on an aisle when
you can, not in the middle ofa crowd. Sit
with your back to the wall. Know where
the exits are and sit near one. Memorize
the layout of any place you are in, much
like flight attendants ask you to doon an
airplane. (Only pay attention this time.)

(5) Learn first aid and CPR. The life you
save could be your own or that of your
best friend. Some of the Columbine stu-
dents who came to David Sanders’ aid as
he bled profusely knew the principles of
first aid, which kept him alive for hours.

(6) A cell phone can mean the difference
between life and death. Instructions from
paramedics were passed via cell phone
to the people who were tending Sanders.
And those same kids tried many times to
let the SWAT teams know where they
were and that Sanders was in critical

condition. Unfortunately, the coach died
as paramedics carried him out of the
school. But if he had been in a room
where no one knew first aid and no one
had a cell phone, Sanders might have
died quickly (with no chance to receive
professional care) or suffered more.

7) Be willing to improvise. One student
hiding under a table in the library knew
the killers. When he was spotted by
them, he asked, “What are you doing,
Eric?” Eric Harris answered, “Oh, killing
people.” The student then saved his own
life. “Are you going to kill me?" he asked,
not shyly. It was a brilliant question be-
cause it changed the momentum of the
situation. “No,” Harris said, and walked
away. In that moment, Harris had been
forced to notice a real person, not an
inanimate target. (Then again, some of
the kids talked to the killers and got shot
anyway.)

(8) Be creative in the midst of destruction.
In a crisis, always assume you are going
to live to testify about the event. That is
the greatest gift you can give to those
who do not make it. Don't freak out.
Keep track of everything happening to
you. At what time did certain events oc-
cur? Who and what did you see and
hear? While the rounds are going off
and you hunker down, prepare yourself
to be the best witness the law enforce-
ment authorities have ever interviewed.
Please note: This suggestion has another
advantage. It gives you a job to do in the
midst of chaos.

(9) Be a source, not a corpse. You are a
critical component of crisis prevention in
your school. Run your own intelligence
service with your friends and classmates.
What's going down and who's on the
edge? You will never stop some of your
peers from shunning or harassing stu-
dents they consider outsiders. That's just.
the law of the pack.

You can do better than that by main-
taining contact with the people in your
school who are seen as misfits. You can
treat them kindly and make their worlds
less dark. But if you sense that they are
becoming dangerous to themselves or
others, you can report what you know to
your peers, parents and teachers.

And you can follow up to see what has
been done about it. Be a source, not a
corpse, and save

Know-how is still the best aphrodisiac.
There's No Such Thing А5 А Born Lover"!

Sexual techniques must be learned. Even if you are a good lover, you can
benefit from the Better Sex Video Series. It is lor normal adults who want
to enhance their sexual pleasure, Watch it with someone you love.

America’s Best-selling Sex-Ed Videos

The Better Sex Video Series visually demonstrates and explains how every-
body can enjoy better sex. Dr. Judy Seifer, one of the country’s most
respected experts on sexuality, guides you through erotic scenes of

BetterS
A ex

explicit sexual practices including
techniques for the most enjoyable
Toreplay and intercourse. Order

the Better Sex Videos today and take
the first step to more enjoyment!

Shipped Unmarked For Your Privacy.
All of our videos are shipped in
plain packaging to assure your privacy.

www.bettersex.com/pb

[ WARNING: The Better Sex Video Series is highly explicit and is intended for adults over age 18 only. ]

| 225 D

FREE VIDEO OFFER

All orders will receive our new free
30-minute video. Discover even
more creative ways to

ignite intense sexual

excitement.

For fastest service cal toll-free 24 hours/7 days

1-800-955-0888

ext. 8PB67

SPECIAL OFFER! Originally $29.95 Now $19.95

VIDEO REGULARLY NOW
Vol, 1. Better Sex Techniques #9501 S2356 — $1995
Vol. 2. Adv. Sex Techniques #9502 52885 51995
Vol. 3, Making Sex Fun #9504 $2295 51995
The 3-Volume Set - save 510! #9506 Sao Bs

Advanced Oral Sex Techniques #1521 (wih purchase) FREE
VHS Format Only Postage & Handling

Divisa Mastercard ПАМЕХ ОС ШО5СОУЕН TOTAL
to ches payable p The Since пало. Sony No cash or ch

Gara Em

The Sinclair Institute, Dept 8PB67, PO Box 8865, Chapel Hill, NC 27515

JOTA!

су

— = npa

TELEVISION

By JOE MORGENSTERN

Топу Soprano, the brutal, often bewil-
dered hit man of The Sopranos, likes to
call himself a waste management consul-
tant. Most TV executives could make the
same claim with greater accuracy.

Every once in a while,
though, a new show with
a grabber of a premise
gives us fresh, surprising
stuff, and this season it
was The Sopranos. This
HBO series about an Ital-
ian mobster, his family
and his sexy, earnest
shrink succeeds brilliant-
ly in what was once the
exclusive province of fea-
ture films (and I say this
as someone who makes
his living as a film critic):
creating a vibrant, dense-
ly populated and credi-
ble world, then leading
the audience through it
with a spellbinding story
about endlessly surpris-
ing people.

Did the world really
need another showbiz treatment of the
Mob? And could the writing sustain the
piquant device of a Neanderthal hood-
lum in northern New Jersey who suffers
panic attacks, goes into therapy, gets in
touch with his feelings and starts pop-
ping Prozac when he isn't maiming slow
payers? I wouldn't have thought so un-
til I saw The Sopranos, which is funny

Wiseguy an the couch: When Tany Soprano (played by
James Gandolfini) has panic attacks, his family doctar sends
him to а shrink, Dr. Jennifer Melfi (Lorraine Bracca, inset).

Tony's family: his outspoken wife
{Edie Falco), teenage daughter (Ja-
mie Lynn Sigler) ond san (Robert Пет).

enough to make you laugh out loud but
daring enough to take your breath away
so you can't keep laughing too long.

A family saga in the fullest sense, the
series dramatizes urgent events in the
life ofits hero, Anthony Soprano (a phe-
nomenal performance by James Gan-
dolfini), and the
lives of those he
touches with a
heavy, sometimes
murderous hand
Week after week,
deft social satire, or
at least acidic farce,
flourishes in a cul-
tural context of de-
cline and imminent
fall. As a family, the
Sopranos seek a
respectability they
can never achieve
(Топу is so chroni-
cally crooked that
he tries to buy boot-
leg DDT for his
plants).

Improbably, The

Sopranos humaniz-
es its hero without
ever, for a moment, sentimentalizing
him. Is Tony evil? No doubt about it;
he's an almost perfect stranger to the
darkest workings of his id. Bur there's
good in the goodfella as well. He sus-
pects there must be some other way to
live his life—we can get in touch with
that—and his dim awareness grows into
nothing less than spiritual yearning in
the antic course of his psy-
chotherapy, a modern rit-
ual that the series treats
with an admirable absence
of glib, postmodern irony.
Never has shrinkery on the
screen been more honest,
dramatic and touching, nor
more hilarious (Lorraine
Bracco gives another re-
markable performance, as
the therapist, Jennifer
Melfi). One of my favorite
throwaway lines occurs
when Tony is talking to Dr.
Melfi about a family of wild
ducks that wintered briefly
on his swimming pool, then
flapped off. He doesn’t yet
understand that the ducks
symbolize the threatened
loss of his own family, but
the very mention of them
brings tears to his eyes. "Oh,
Jesus! Fuck!" Tony says
forlornly. “Мом he's gon-
na cry."

By this time, with the first
season of The Sopranos at an

end, the narrative device of thug thera-
py seems less than fresh, because it also
served as the central joke of Analyze This,
the hit movie with Robert De Niro as a
mobster with panic attacks and Billy
Crystal as his reluctant therapist. (Did
one production steal the idea from the
other? My guess is not; I’d bet both proj-
ects were inspired by The Don's Analyst,
a 1997 TV movie with almost the same
plot as Analyze This, as well as the scene
in the 1997 comedy Grosse Pointe Blank
when Alan Arkin, as shrink Dr. Oatman,
suggests ever so delicately to John Cu-
sack's angst-ridden hit man, Martin О.
Blank, that his emotional problems may
be connected with his profession. “Don’t
kill anybody for a few days,” Dr. Oatman
tells his patient. “See what it feels like.")
But a comparison of Analyze This with
The Sopranos shows how fine the TV se-
ries is. It also shows, with instructive
clarity, how two dominant entertainment
media have been trading places.

For all its lavish production values and
famous stars, Analyze This is a sitcom—
coarse-grained, cheerfully implausible,
relentlessly superficial. For all из mod-
est production values and its cast of gift-

ed semiknowns

Tony's other family: the boss (right) and his
business assaciates, played by Steve Van
Zandt (left) and Tony Sirica (middle).

(we'd already seen, and barely noticed,
James Gandolfini in scores of character
roles), The Sopranos is a fully realized
film. Never mind that it’s 13 hours long
(with at least another season to come),
and that each of its intermissions spans
seven days. Charles Dickens’ stories
stretched out too, but they proved no
less coherent as novels because they'd
been serialized (concluded on page 146)

SEPTEMBER

NEUVEARS.IS

Г мер /3UND DATE= E

LARGE BANDS..SMACL CCUBS.. BIG MYSTERY

f YOU COULD
ША!
[лт TRIP TO

»DUBCM

FORDETAILS.LOGONTO
MGDBUINDDATE сот

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

Sit Behind This Desk, Hotshot

16 0 . 1175 personal

Richard Haworth, president of Haworth Inc., a billion dollar office'furniture company in Holland, Michigan, sits behind o Decade
(pronounced day-cod) desk that his company builds in France. For about $15,000, the Decade is available in one style: oxblood with

а black leather surface supparted by three legs exten

9 from a rectangular frame. Haworth feels that the Decade's open design

makes it accommodating to impromptu meetings and is less imposing than traditional models. And for all that paperwork that won't
fit on the desk's 102"х46" surface, the matching rear console and shelf (also pictured above) are available for $14,936.

If you want ta make а great cappuccino, it isn't enough just to fol-
low the instructions that come with your expensive Italian coffee-
moker. You moy find you're doing everything right and still getting
coffee that isn’t as good as what the barista at your corner coffee
emporium comes up with. Instead of letting your coffeemaker be
relegated, like а culinary NordicTrack, to а mere ornament tucked
awey in a kitchen corner, follow the blueprint below and you'll
foam your way to a better cup of cappuccino in no time.

G APPL |

Vou Have to Know When to Fold "Em

Small pocketknives you can open with one hand are the cutting
edge right now and these four represent the tops in technology and
design. All have blodes no longer than two inches that lock in
place. Top to bottom: Gerber's new Chomeleon I features o blade
pivot design that allows the user to put his forefinger through an
opening for o safer grip. Price: obout $32. Lorger Chameleon II
ond 1! models ore also available. GT Knives has just introduced its
Mini, a hand-ossembled auto-opener with o precision mechanism
that's as smooth as a Swiss watch's. (Its 1%" blade makes it legal to
own in some stotes, such as Colifor- — +
TT

nia.) The blode is hollow-ground stoin-
less tool steel and the handle is anodized air-
craft-grade aluminum alloy. Price: $150. Delilah's Peck
by Columbia River Knife ond
Tool is about os minimol- ~ 5
ist as a pocketknife can be. li
weighs 0.9 ounces and makes о terrific
money clip or key chain knife. Price: about $30. A
larger version, named _
the Kiss, is olso avail-
able. Spyderco's Tood has а
stainless steel blade that meosures bare-
ly 1% inches, but in
your hond the
four-inch knife feels
much larger. Price: oround
$100, in serroted [shown]

ог plain-edge configurations.

МАМТВАСК ____

Sancerrely Yours

Summer begs for а crisper wine, especiolly with the strong.
seosonol flavors of summer fare. The wines of Soncerre,
from France's Loire Valley, ore wonderfully suited to the
tastes of grilled fish and briny shellfish, Sancerres combi
а crisp остану with the rich ond lively fruitiness of sauvi-
gnon blonc gropes. Some of the better Sancerres have o
flinty, eorthy chorocter thot echoes the chalky soil of the
best villoges. Soncerres should be drunk young—within
two or three years. The ones we've been enjoying ore
Chovignol опа Lo Grond Cote (Paul Cotot), Clos lo Neore
{Edmond Votan) ond La Croix du Roy (Lucien Crochet).

Now You're Cookin’

The complete cuisine machine that's a mixer, food processor, scole,

steamer and soucepon oll in one: That's how Vorwerk USA de-
scribes the Thermomix (pictured below). Don't worry that you've
never heard of it. Neither had we. But European cooks hove given
it five stors for power and versotility. It con process food at ten dif-

ferent speeds ronging from slow to 12,000 revolutions per minute,

cook at temperotures from а low simmer to 212° Fahrenheit and
even enable you to prepare

some time. Best of
oll, when the work's
done, the machine

if you odd water ond
detergent ond switch
on the mixing cycle.

Thermomix Stoteside
for the price of $649,
including а cookbook
‘ond several cttochmenis.
It even ploys a tune when
cooking time is up.

several dishes at the

procticolly cleons itself

Vorwerk is offering the

Clothesline: Howie Mandel
The Howie Mandel Show has been
conceled for next seoson, but the
program's host isn't wearing black
because he’s in mouming. “The
black thing came from my love for
Johnny Cash," he told us. “When

1 dress up, it's usually onything in
block by Issey Miyake or Prado.
When I'm in the mood to shop,

1 head stroight for Borneys New
York. They have o good selection of
oll the designers I like. I also dig a
line nomed Bon Choix. All of the
clothes on my show were custom
made by them." When Mondell

is in his casuol mode, he describes
himself os "o perk pig. | wear onything thot’s been given to me,
from o cap to shoes to o T-shirt. It’s more а moter of motching the
price tag thon the colors or style." His fovorile item, he soys, is o
pair of vintage corduroy Nikes that he's never seen in stores.
"They're so worn that they're about to fall off my feet but I cart
bring myself to throw them away.”

Guys Are Talking About...
Preshave oils. They're the lotest tools
in the quest for the perfect shove.
Apply one before your shoving
creom. It helps keep moisture on
the beard, which then encourages
smooth whisker removol. Or com-
bine six or seven drops of oil with
water ond shave without the cream.
These are three of the best:
Aromis’ Lab Series oil, Рге-
Shave Oil from the Art
of Shoving ond Essential
Shove Oil from Ameri- @
con Crew. Loser range
finders. Bushnell's Yordoge Pro.
Compact 600 provides golfers
with distance readings accurote up
10 600 yords. Furthermore, it’s only
4Y* x24" ond weighs ten ounces.
Price: about $400. Ultrapremium ice
creom. Godivo, the chocolate god,
has reintroduced o self-indul-
gence—Godivo ice cream—in
six decadent flovors including
Belgian Dork Chocolote, Ivory
Chocolote Chip ond White Choco-
late Rospberry. Look for it notion-
wide in supermarkets and fine
food stores. Price: about $3.50 for
12.5 ounces. Swedish cors. The
1999 Soob 9-3 Viggen coupe com-
bines a larger engine block and tur-
bocharger thon in basic 9-3s to moke it
one hot Swede. Soob claims the engine is D
12 percent more efficient at producing horse-

power per liter of engine displocement thon o

1999 Porsche 911 Carrera. Price: $37,750.

WHERE В HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 149.

During love

ў / mull

=. to the E. at

n ho 2

Flv first class.

BACARDI. THE WORLO'S GREAT RUM SINCE 1862. ~

зи OAY OR EY NIGHT ENJOY ишинъ RUM RESPONSINLY. и AND HAT DEVICE MLG. U.S AT. AND TM. OFF. (1959 SACARDL-MARIIA) UF A, MC. MIAMI FL RUM don ALE FY VOL аттин сом

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

We've added video conference capa-
bilities to our office, but no one is sure of
the etiquette for meetings. Any tip:
C.P, San Francisco, California

Pretend you're on television, because you
are. Even when you're not speaking, the
equipment knows you're there. That's why
you shouldn't rustle papers, tap your pen or
са, especially if your site is using a table mi-
сторћопе. Use the mute button on the renote
when someone at your site isn’t speaking;
otherwise it might pick up distracting or in-
opportune remarks. Dress for video, which
doesn't favor large patches of white, red or
orange. If you wear a stark white shirt, for
example, the camera’s automatic brightness
control may darken the picture, turning your
face into a shadow. Add a dark jacket for
balance. If you're making a presentation,
avoid narrow stripes, herringbone weaves,
small checks aud other intricate patterns;
they'll create funky effects. As you speak, look
directly into the camera to create the illusion
of eye contact. If you're not speaking, don’t
rock in your chair, chew gum, wiggle your
crossed leg, stroke your hair or beard or twirl
your pen—you never know when you'll be in
the camera’s eye. If you're in charge, do a dry
run before the meeting to make sure every-
thing is working and that the graphics can
be read on-screen. Remind your staff that
some systems have a slight delay, so they
should give those at other sites additional
time to respond.

Tread the article in April about oral sex
(or the lack of it) after marriage. I love
giving my husband head, but it wasn't al-
ways that way. There are two reasons for
the change. First, he used to beg for it al-
most daily, which was a huge turn-off.
He might as well have been telling me
not to go down on him. I enjoy it most
when it’s my idea. Now, if he asks once in
a vhile, I'm happy to oblige, because 1
don't constantly feel the pressure to per-
form. Second, my husband has learned
to respond when Im giving him a blow
job. He used to just lie there without
making a sound. He would tell me after-
ward that he'd enjoyed it, but he didn't
act like it was anything special. With
some prodding from me, he realized he
could get more of a good thing by being
more vocal. There you have it—simple
advice from an old married lady who
likes to give her husband head.—L.M.,
Albuquerque, New Mexico

The guys who get the most head don't ask.
They create an environment in which their
partners feel appreciated and comfortable,
and head happens. Some men have a hard
time believing this. They beg and plead and
wonder why they get the cold shoulder. “If
1 don't tell her when 1 want one, how will
she know?” She'll know because you always
want one—when was the last time you

turned her down? Guys should understand
that their pleading quickly starts to sound
like “Yo! I need some service at table four!”
The woman thinks, Is that all I’m here for, to
suck you off? Don't make the mistake of at-
tempting to earn points toward a blow job—
that just leads to debates over the scoring sys-
tem, and further resentment. Instead, put
aside the idea that every small act of kind-
ness on your part is a quid pro quo. Rather
than "I give you a massage, you blow me,”
think "I give you a massage, and when or if
you feel like doing something nice for me,
you know what 1 love." It may not happen
overnight, but eventually the dynamic will
change. How you respond when you're not
getting head is ау important as how you re-
spond when you are.

IM, wife wants to have her inner labia
trimmed. She believes they are too long.
I have been trying to tell her that all
women's lips are different in one way or
another, and that I like hers the way they
are. It makes oral sex more fun because
I have more to nibble on. They hang
down about halfan inch. When she pulls
on them, they stretch out to about two
inches. Is there a doctor in his or her
right mind who would do this type of op-
eration? This is really bothering her.—
S.W., Louisville, Kentucky

A plastic surgeon can trim the ends, or, їп
a technique developed by Dr. Gary Alter of
Beverly Hills, remove a V-shaped wedge from
the middle so the labia keep their natural
edges. Alter says about 90 percent of the
women who ask him to perform the surgery
do so for cosmetic reasons; like your wife,
they dislike the appearance of their genitals.
Some are so hung up on it, they have а hard
time enjoying sex. The other ten percent, he

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI

says, complain of discomfort because the la-
bia rub together or against clothes and be-
come irritated, or get pinched. As with any
surgery, there are risks, and the one-hour
procedure will cost several thousand dollars
or more (don't expect insurance coverage).
Before your wife decides on surgery, buy her
а copy of Femalia, which includes 32 photos
of vulvas with labia of all shapes and sizes
(phone 800-289-8423). Its editor, Joani
Blank, says she is troubled that any woman
would have herself trimmed. “The scientif-
ic names we give the lips are unfortunate,”
she says. “Labia minora means ‘little ones,"
which implies to some people that they
shouldn’t show.” Blank suggests that your
wife speak with other women, who might
have more luck convincing her that her labia
are normal and natural. And you should
keep reassuring her that her lips are as beau-
tiful to you as the rest of her.

Негев a bar bet for the Advisor to set-
tle. What is the origin of the term "to be
86ed"?—W.]., San Francisco, fornia

Legend has it that the term originated in
the Wild West. If a rowdy acted up, the bar-
tender would serve him from a ћоше of 86-
proof whiskey reserved for female customers
Shamed, the cowboy would leave in a huff.
What's more certain is that the term was
used at restaurants in the Twenties to mean
“nix” or "we're all out” and later by bar-
tenders to describe someone who shouldn't.
be served.

Wehen my girlfriend and I are in the
heavy, panting, slippery phase of love-
making, I will frequently spread my fin-
gers like a fan and place my little finger
in her anus, two fingers in her vagina
and my index finger on her clitoris. If
she’s in the doggie position, it's reversed,
with my index finger in her ass. I then
stroke in and out. I'm always struck by
the classic beauty of this move, which
1 call “the peacock tail" because my fin-
gers are spread out. I'm wondering if
there is some other name in the sexual
archives that better describes it.—].W.,
Boise, Idaho

We've heard it called the love glove, the
trident or the double trigger. Typically the
thumb is placed on the clit and the fingers
advance from there, but you can arrange
your digits in whatever manner your partner
prefers. Make sure she is well lubricated and
that your fingernails are trimmed. Your
name fils nicely, especially since the peacock
spreads his feathers to impress the hens

In my office, if you want to hang out
with the hottest babes, you have to go
out with them for Thai food. The food is
OK, the women are great, and on those
days when I have Thai iced coffee with

PLAYBOY

lunch, I have much more energy in the
afternoon. It has even more zip than
Starbucks. What's in Thai iced coffee?—
КМ, Chicago, Illinois

Caffeine, more caffeine and sugar. Here's
how to make your own: Brew very strong cof-
fee (try Cafe du Monde, which is flavored
with chicory). Let it cool to lukewarm, then
pour it into а highball glass filled with ice
until it's about an inch below the rim. Place
а spoon on the ice and slowly overfill its bowl
with sweetened condensed milk, The cascad-
ing milk should float on top of the coffee un-
til you're ready to mix and enjoy. Alternately,
start by pouring condensed milk into an
empty glass. Place your ground coffee in а
single-cup filter, add hot water, wait for the
glass to fill, stir and drop in the ice.

Why won't prostitutes kiss me?—TP,
Las Vegas, Nevada
Because it’s too intimate.

D. women really have orgasms just
from penetration? I can climax only
when my clitoris is stimulated. My boy-
friend has a complex about not being
able to please те. I had sexual partners
before him, and it was the same story.
1 don't want to fake it, but I fear my
boyfriend will become bored with me. It
sure would be nice to have an orgasm
during intercourse. What should I be do-
ing?—N.E., Columbia, South Carolina

Relax. Most women require direct stimu-
lation of the clitoris to reach orgasm, and by
design that doesn't happen during penetra-
tion unless someone's fingers, the man's
pelvis or a vibrator are involved. (See “The
Buzz of the Century," page 50.) Penetration
stimulates the clit indirectly, but for most.
women that's not enough unless they re high-
ly aroused. There's no rule that says you or
your boyfriend can't play with your clit dur-
ing intercourse: Even in porn movies, which
depict the male verston of a fantasy fuck,
female performers often reach to stimulate
themselves. Experiment with positions such
as woman on lop, which gives you more con-
trol. And have your boyfriend enter you
when you're closer to orgasm (he'll love feel-
ing your contractions around his cock). Re-
sist the temptation to catalog your climaxes;
your sex life isn't а decathlon in which you
have to score in every event.

My new television has an input labeled
“S-video.” Can you explain what it's
for?—S.A., Providence, Rhode Island

It stands for separated video, and it allows
your television to display a sharper image
when it's fed data from a DVD player, satel-
lite box or S-VHS video casselte recorder.
Typically, your television receives video
nals through a standard composite link: The.
black-and-white/brightness (luminance) and
color (chrominance) components share the
feed. S-video allows the luminance and chro-
minance to be delivered separately, though
they still travel through one cable. If you own

44 а high-end television and DVD player, you

may have video-component connections
(three jacks colored red, green and blue) ca-
pable of delivering one luminance and two
color signals. The difference in quality be-
tween S-video and component is more subtle.

Do people need sex? My friend says he
doesn't, yet he masturbates. Isn't that a
need for sex?—F J., Albany, New York

People do need sex, Your friend's mastur-
bation involves fantasy, which reflects his
need for intimacy. We can survive without
that, but it’s a life less lived. Some people will
argue that we need sex only to reproduce, but
now that can be done in a lab. Fucking for
no biological reason is what makes us hu-
man. In that sense, we need it bad.

V was pleased to see Catherine Deneuve
on PLAYBOY'S list of the 100 most beauti-
ful women of the century. You men-
tioned her performance as Severine їп
Belle du Jour, which reminded me of a
question that has piqued my curiosity
since I first saw the film. In one scene,
a sinister man visits the brothel where
Severine works. He has a box, which he
opens to show her something inside. She
looks, then shakes her head. What's in
the box?—G.W., Schenectady, New York
Who knows? That's what makes the scene,
and the film, work. A few years ago Roger
Ebert explained: "Suppose the movie had
been dumbed down by modern Hollywood.
We would have seen what was in the box. А
whip, perhaps. And Severine would have
shaken her head the same way, and we would
have forgotten the scene in ten minutes.
What is erotic in Belle du Jour is suggested,
implied, hinted at.” That's true of the erot-
ic in real life as well. The best part of a
striptease isn't when the woman is naked.

Im а weekend warrior cigar smoker,
and I received a box of braided puzzle-
ments as a gift. A notice in the box im-
plies that the braids should be separated
and smoked individually. I've always as-
sumed that the logic behind the braid is
to blend several flavors into one experi-
ence. If separated, what's the difference
between a culebra and а panatella with a
bad draw?—W.D., Holland, Michigan

Not much. But you are supposed to sep-
arate them. The culebra (which means
"snake" in Spanish) is sold as а novelty. As
the story goes, it first appeared because work-
ers in Cuban cigar factories, given three
panatellas each day, instead took premium
cigars. The bosses responded by twisting
three moist panatellas together and allowing
only the snakes to be taken as freebies. The
only company we know of outside Cuba that
still produces culebras is Davidoff

Nothing irritates me more than when
someone's cell phone rings in the mid-
dle of a meeting, or in a restaurant. So
1 bought one a vibrating device.
That's when the lightbulb went on over
шу head. I bought a beat-up cell for ten

bucks, set up an account for it and ran
home. I hooked up the signal receiver to
a pair of vibrating eggs that my girl-
friend places in her vagina. The whole
thing is powered by a small battery pack
that tucks neatly in the small of her back.
She tells me she forgets she's wearing it,
but that may be because she has started
wearing it all the time. I call her whenev-
er the mood strikes, perhaps while she's
sitting at her desk, or talking to her girl-
friends at the watercooler, or briefing
her boss. I let it ring once, as a tease, or
three times, to make a point, or for 15
minutes, to drive her nuts. She can't an-
swer the phone, so she's at my mercy. My
favorite trick is to call her ground line,
ask her some insipid question to lull her
into а long answer, then dial her “pri-
vates” number. The change in her tone
of voice is priceless. Now she goes limp
at the sound of any phone ringing. I'd
still like to get a remote vibrator, some-
thing that can be activated quickly at a
party, from my pocket, without pulling
the phone out every time. Maybe I could
build it, but I don’t know enough about
electronics. Does anyone make this sort
of product? —V.K., Ottawa, Ontario

If you build it, she will come. We're sur-
prised the wireless industry hasn't jumped on
your phone sex franchise. "Free weekend cli-
maxes! Multiple orgasms billed as one call.”
We first wrote about wireless vibrations
about a year ago, when the sex toy store Good
Vibrations was expecting a shipment of re-
mote-conirolled panties. (It ultimately decid-
ed not to carry the product.) The reviews
we've heard for this and a remote-controlled
vibrating egg haven't been enthusiastic. Be-
cause the panties are one-size-fits-all, their
strategically placed nub often shifts out of
position. The woman could keep it snug with
tight pants, bul then she may not need any
vibration to get off. The setup is usually too
noisy for anywhere but the dance floor, and it
won't have the range you expect. Plus, each
pair costs about $100. Still game? Order
through reputable outlets such as the Xan-
dria Collection (800-242-2823). A new ver-
sion expected soon uses a butterfly-shaped vi-
brator. We'd tell you more, but someone just
paged our testicles.

All reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat-
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be
personally answered if the writer includes a
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre-
sented in these pages each month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, PLayBOY, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad
visor@playboy.com. Look for responses to
our most frequently asked questions at
playboy.com/faq, and check out the Advisor's
latest collection of sex tricks, 365 Ways to
Improve Your Sex Life, available in book-
stores or by phoning 800-423-9494.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

ongress shall make no

law respecting an estab-

lishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise
thereof; or abridging the free-
dom of speech, or of the press,
or the right of the people peace-
ably to assemble and to petition
the government for a redress
of grievances.” That's the First
Amendment. Simple, right? Not
always. Consider each of the fol-
lowing free speech cases. After
you cast your vote, we'll tell you
what the courts decided.

CLASSROOM PROFANITY

Cecilia Lacks instructed her
11th grade students in Berkeley,
Missouri to write and videotape
short plays. Many of the plays,
which dealt with issues such as
gang violence, included words
such as fuck, shit, ass, bitch
and nigger. The 40-minute vid-
со compilation contained more
than 150 of these words. The
student-discipline code bans pro-
fanity, but Lacks said she be-
lieved the code applied only to
behavior toward others. After
the school board fired her, Lacks
sued, arguing that she had been
a facilitator for her students’ cre-
ative expression and that her
rights had been violated.

FREE ЅРЕЕСН__
NOT FREE SPEECH. -

VERDICT: Not free speech, according
to the U.S. Supreme Court, which upheld
an appeals court decision that said school
employees should “promote generally ac-
ceptable social standards.” The lower
court had ruled that “a school district does
not violate the First Amendment when it
disciplines a teacher for allowing students
to use profanity repetitously and egregious-
Ly in their written work."

DO YOU NEED А LAWYER?

In 1995 Allstate began a campaign
to encourage accident victims to settle
claims against its policyholders with-
out hiring lawyers. The insurance gi-
ant sent a conciliatory letter (^we con-
sider you our customer") and a flier

free speech

or not free speech?

By CHIP ROWE

titled "Do I Need an Attorney?" The
ansver, predictably, vas not necessar-
ily. "Before you decide to see an attor-
ney, you may wish to seek an offer
with Allstate," the flier noted, point-
ing out that legal fees take up a good
portion of any judgment. It cited an
industry study that found people
"generally settle their claims more
quickly" if they don't hire counsel. It

suggested that victims who hire
counsel insist that the contingency
fee apply only to the money that
was more than Allstate's offer be-
fore the lawyer got involved. The
campaign was a success. According
to one report, it reduced by nearly
ten percent the number of Allstate
settlements in which the claimant
hired an attorney.

FREE SPEECH_
NOT FREE SPEECH. —

VERDICT: Not free speech, accord-
ing to several states. In West Virgin-
за, the state bar association ruled that
the flier violated a slate statute against
"unauthorized [legal] practice.” In
Connecticut, the insurance commission-
er ordered Allstate to stop distributing
the flier, citing a 1997 law that makes it
illegal to "discourage the retention of
an attorney" in cases involving injury
or death. In Pennsylvania, the attorney
general sued Allstate, saying the flier
violated unfair-trade and consumer-
protection laws. Under pressure from
trial lawyers, the New York attorney
general told Allstate to reword the flier,
stop using the word customer and pay
$15,000 in administrative costs. State
officials in Indiana, New Jersey, North
Carolina and Texas also ‘pressured the
company to make changes.

NEO-NAZIS ON PARADE
Richard Barrett, head of the Mis-
sissippi-based Nationalist Move-
ment, travels the country to warn
against the “Mexicanization, African-
ization and homosexualization" of
America. In 1994 he applied for a
permit to parade down West Broad-
way in South Boston. He said he and
300 “pro-majority” supporters want-
ed to follow part of the route of
the annual St. Patrick's Day parade,
which organizers had canceled rather
than allow gays and lesbians to partic-
ipate. The city denied Barrett's re-
quest, citing concerns about traffic
congestion and public safery during
a busy Saturday afternoon shopping
period. The city had approved Sat-
urday afternoon marches by other
groups, but the mayor later said he
had feared violence.

FREE SPEECH. —
NOT FREE SPEECH. —

VERDICT: Free speech, according to a
federal judge. He struck down the city's pa-
rade permit ordinance, saying it gives offi-
cials too much power to ban marches. After
hearing testimony, the judge concluded that
officials denied Barretl's permit not because
of congestion or public safety but because
they disagreed with the “nature and content
of the Nationalist Movement’s message.” He
added that Boston officials had “behaved
like а latter-day Watch and Ward Society,
guarding against offensive political opin-
ion,” but noted the irony that “much of the
law that protects Barrett's rights developed
as a result of the courage of the pioneers of
the civil rights movement.” The court or-
dered the city to pay Barrett $700 in dam-
ages, and his attorneys $51,000 in fees.

ANTIGAY REMARKS

In 1992, San Francisco mayor Frank
Jordan appointed the Reverend Eu-
gene Lumpkin (pastor of the Ebenezer
Baptist Church) to the city’s Human
Rights Commission. The following
year Lumpkin told a newspaper re-
porter, “It’s sad that people have AIDS
and what have you, but it says right
here in scripture that the homosexu-
al lifestyle is an abomination against
God." Two weeks later, on a television
talk show, the pastor refused to dis-
avow an Old Testament passage that
says a man who has sex with another
man should be stoned to death. That
same day, the mayor fired Lumpkin,
saying the pastor had "crossed the line
from belief to behavior to advocacy"
and "implied that he condoned physi-
cal harm." Lumpkin took his case to
federal court, saying that the First
Amendment gave him the right to
express his religious beliefs.

FREE SPEECH _
NOT FREE SPEECH _

VERDICT: Not free speech, according to
a federal court. While Lumpkin had the
right to express his views, “the First Amend-
ment does not assure him job security when
he preaches homophobia” while serving as
an ambassador for human rights. The U.S.
Supreme Court agreed.

INTERSTATE SEX

Robert Thomas and his wife, Car-
leen, operated a lucrative online por-
nography business, the Amateur Ac-
tion Bulletin Board System, from their
home in Milpitas, California. For $55
every six months, adult subscribers re-
ceived a password that allowed them to
download any of thousands of images

from the Thomases’ computers. The
couple promoted Amateur Action as
“the nastiest place on earth” and, like
carnival barkers, affixed graphic de-
scriptions to each image. The board's
images included standard hard-core
fare, such as oral sex and come shots,
along with bestiality, sadomasochism
and implied incest. Robert Thomas said
he scanned the photos from porn mag-
azines purchased at adult bookstores in
San Francisco. The Thomases also sold
fetish videos, some of which featured
urination, enemas and simulated rape.

FREE SPEECH.
NOT FREE SPEECH. —

The Thomases
promoted their
Amaleur
Action Bulletin
Board as "the
nastiest place on
earth" and, like

carnival barkers,

affixed graphic

descriptions Lo

ach image.

VERDICT: Not free speech, according
to the Supreme Court. It upheld the Thom-
ases” convictions for distributing obscene
materials across state lines. Robert Thomas
receiued а 37-month sentence, his wife 30
months. The couple was arrested after a
postal inspector in Memphis joined the bul-
letin board under a fake name, downloaded
images and ordered videos. He also mailed
Robert Thomas a package of “action maga-
zines” and “unusual stuff” that was actual-
ly government-seized kiddie porn. Ten min-
utes after the package was delivered, police
raided the couple's home and seized their
computers. In Utah, meanwhile, undercover
agents downloaded 16 nude and seminude
images they said depicted minors and to

which the Thomases had affixed explicit de-
scriptions. Robert Thomas pleaded guilty to
опе count of distributing child porn (15 oth-
ет counts were dropped) and received a 26-
month sentence that ran concurrently with
the Memphis judgment.

ANTI-ABORTION ADS

Christ’s Bride Ministries of McLean,
Virginia purchased advertising space
at public transit stations in Philadel-
phia, Baltimore and Washington, D.C.
15 posters claimed that “women who
choose abortion suffer more and dead-
lier breast cancer” and included a toll-
free phone number for a group called
the American Rights Coalition. A fed-
eral health official complained to the
D.C. transit authority that the ad was
“misleading” and “unduly alarming”
and “does not accurately reflect the
weight of the scientific literature.” After
learning of the health official's com-
ments, the Southeastern Pennsylvania
"Iransportation Authority immediately
removed the posters, expressing con-
cerns about their accuracy. The min-
istry cried foul, saying it had a First
Amendment right to display the ads.

FREE SPEECH. -
NOT FREE SPEECH.

VERDICT: Free speech, according to a
federal court. It ruled that advertising space
‘within transit stations is a public forum, and
that Sepla had violated the ministry's rights
because it had no consistent policy to regu-
late ad content and had allowed controver-
sial campaigns in the past. The U.S. Su-
preme Court agreed.

GROTESQUE ART

Cartoonist Mike Diana distributed a
photocopied zine called Boiled Angel.
His work deals with ugly topics such as
religious hypocrisy, violence and abu-
sive parents. Diana's publication in-
cluded caricatures of priests sodomiz-
ing children, deformed humans with
monster-like genitalia and women be-
ing raped and brutalized, among other
grotesque images. It also featured let-
ters and fiction by convicted killers and
а 12-step list titled “How to Be a Suc-
cessful Serial Killer.” Diana distributed
his zine by mail order and unwittingly
fulfilled a request made by an under-
cover cop.

FREE SPEECH
NOT FREE SPEECH__

VERDICT: Not free speech, according to
а jury in Pinellas County that convicted Di-
апа of distributing and advertising obscene
drawings. The cartoonist was imprisoned

following the verdict, and four days later,
the judge sentenced him to three years’ pro-
bation and fined him $3000 and 1248
hours of community service. The judge also
told Diana that he could not draw during
his probation, even for his own enjoyment.
The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear
Diana's appeal. According to the ACLU,
Diana “is the only cartoonist in America
known to have been jailed on an obscenity
charge, and appears to be the only artist in
any medium in America who is prohibited
from freely engaging in artistic expression in
the privacy of his own home."

SAFER SEX, TELEVISED

Gareth Rees hosted a monthly live
cable access show in Austin, Texas on
which he discussed safer sex and other
issues of gay life. During an
episode of Infosex that aired
at midnight, Rees took calls
from viewers about “using
sexual fantasies to your ad-
vantage.” Shortly before two
Ам, he introduced a three-
minute clip from Midnight
Snack, an explicit safer-sex
video produced by the Gay
Men's Health Crisis Cen-
ter of New York. The clip
showed a man masturbat-
ing and two men engaging
їп oral sex using a condom.
Rees said the video demon-
strated that sex does not
have to include intercourse,
and that safer sex can be
erotic. “Hopefully we can
be mature about what 1
showed,” he told viewers.
The next day, the county
prosecutor said he had re-
ceived about 25 complaints
about the segment.

FREE SPEECH. —
NOT FREE SPEECH. _

VERDICT: Not free speech,
according to the U.S. Supreme
Court. A jury found Rees and the shows
producer, Terrell Diane Johnson, each guilty
of а misdemeanor obscenity charge, and the
high court upheld the convictions. Rees and
Johnson were each sentenced to a year’s pro-
bation and 200 hours of community service.

WANTED POSTERS

Pro-life activists distributed WANTED
posters featuring photos of abortion
providers. The posters offered a $5000
reward for “information leading to ar-
rest, conviction and revocation of li-
cense" of the doctors and provided
their home addresses. Meanwhile, а
website known as the Nuremberg Files

called for the "baby butchers" to be рис
on trial for crimes against humani-
ty and included personal information
such as the doctors' addresses and the
names of their children. The site also
indicated which providers had been
murdered by placing a line through
their names.

FREE SPEECH —
NOT FREE SPEECH. —

VERDICT: Not free speech, according to
a federal jury in Portland, Oregon. The
Supreme Court has held that speech that is
likely to cause “imminent lawless action”
can be restricted; the Portland jurors were
asked to decide if a reasonable person would
construe the posters and site as violating a

1994 law that prohibits the use of force or
threats against abortion clinic employees and
patients. The defense argued that abortion
providers have been scorned for years and
that the posters and site, while provocative,
were not enough to make someone act vio-
lently. The jury awarded a group of doctors
and the local chapter of Planned Parent-
hood $107 million in damages.

ARTISTS’ RIGHTS

Street artists in New York City's Soho
neighborhood often sell original paint-
ings, sculptures and carvings on pub-
lic sidewalks. After residents and mer-
chants complained about pedestrian

traffic jams, police began arresting art-
ists who did not have vendor licenses.
The artists said the general vending
statute violates their First Amendment
rights, especially since it allows side-
walk merchants to sell books, maga-
zines and pamphlets without obtaining
a permit.

FREE SPEECH_
NOT FREE ЗРЕЕСН__

VERDICT: Free speech, according to a
federal court, which said that licensing street
artists is unconstitutional. Nine months lat-
er, however, after the U.S. Supreme Court
upheld the ruling, the city parks department
began ticketing unlicensed artists outside the
Metropolitan Museum of Art. The city ar-
gued that the earlier ruling does
not apply because the museum
plaza is park land, not a public
street. A federal judge agreed.

ALONE PICKETER

In 1995 John Muldoon
hired attorney Kevin Hen-
drickson to represent him in
a probate case. Muldoon was
awarded about $130,000.
Hendrickson later told re-
porters that Muldoon had
agreed to pay a $20,000 fee
and that he allowed his cli-
ent to make monthly install-
ments for two years with
no money down. Eighteen
months later, Muldoon ap-
peared in front of Hendrick-
son's office with a hot-pink
posterboard that read UN-
FAIR LEGAL FEES CHARGED. The
60-year-old former car sales-
man picketed from 8 AM. to
11 AM. and again from 4 РМ
to 5 pM. for five days, un-
til Hendrickson took him
to court.

FREE ЅРЕЕСН__
os) NOT FREE ЗРЕЕСН__

VERDICT: Not free speech, according to
a circuit court judge. Cynthia Cox ruled that
Muldoon could not protest, picket or come
within 500 feet of Hendrickson's firm,
which is next to the courthouse, because he
was causing the attorney “irreparable
harm.” She also ordered Muldoon not to
make false statements about Hendrickson
(the lawyer claimed Muldoon's placard li-
beled him) or draw any adverse attention to
the attorneys offices. Hendrickson said Mul-
doon's picketing amounted to blackmail.
“Picheting for an unlawful purpose is not
protected speech,” he said. “This is not an is-
sue of freedom of speech.”

LUNCHROOM CENSOR

An older friend at work is a
longtime PLAYBOY reader who
often joins us for lunch in the
cafeteria the week after each is-
sue comes out. He takes great
pleasure in reading to us the
Party Jokes, the Playboy Advisor
and other departments he finds
interesting. We eat in a small
public area, so before reading
he politely asks if anyone would
be offended. We laugh because
we're friends and enjoy the
material, but if people walk in,
we respectfully pause until they
leave.

During one of these pauses,
а woman came їп. She noticed
the rLAYBOY and told my friend
that it was inappropriate and
that she considered it sexual
harassment, even though the
magazine lay closed on the ta-
ble. She mentioned, ominously,
that he could be disciplined. A.
week later he was told by a su-
pervisor to leave the magazine
at home because others were
offended.

We miss reading PLAYBOY at
lunch and want the privilege
returned. My colleague is not
afraid to pursue the matter. For
now, he has stopped bringing
the magazine to lunch unul
he figures out the best way to
address the situation. What is
your advice?

Dean Kuczynski
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

You face an uphill battle. Even
though your lunchroom seems like а
public area, it is within a private
firm. The distinction is important:
Companies that have public con-
tracts or ате otherwise connected to
the government are subject to re-
strictive federal and state laws that
regulate conduct in the workplace.
Private companies like yours can
more easily ignore the First Amend-

ment rights of their employees. Though in an
ideal world your employers would stand up
for your free speech rights, it's unlikely that
they will if threatened with a sexual harass-

ment lawsuit.

The situation is much different for any-
one paid with taxpayer dollars. In 1994
PLAYBOY went to court to support a fire-
fighters right to read the magazine in the
firehouse. The judge in Johnson us. County

FOR THE RECORD

POINTLESS PROSECUTION

“Fifty thousand people in New Jersey are in-
fected with HIV. Of those, half were infected by
sharing a syringe, and another 25 percent were
infected because they are the sexual partner or
the child of an IV drug user. That means three
quarters of New Jersey's HIV infections could
have been prevented with the availability of.
sterile syringes. It's simple: The law [that bans
the distribution of sterile needles to addicts] is
killing people. Those in the legislature who sup-
port the law are murderers; the governor, who
refuses to change the law, is a murderer; and the
people who enforce this law are murderers."

Diana McCague, who was given a 90-day sus-
pended sentence and a $750 fine for distributing
clean syringes to New Jersey addicts. Because
McCague faces certain jail time if she is again
caught distributing syringes, her Chai Project has
suspended its needle exchange indefinitely.

of Los Angeles Fire Department ruled that
the fire department's sexual harassment pol-
icy was “unconstitutional as applied to
Johnson's quiet reading and possession
ој PLAYBOY magazine during his personal
time.”

UTAH GAMES
I was raised in a Mormon home, so I
am perhaps more angered than most

by the Utah PTA's audacity in
trying to force their beliefs on
the rest of the world (“Utah
Games,” The Playboy Forum,
May). The Olympic Games pro-
vide a time for nations to come
together to celebrate sport and
each other, regardless of race,
religion or nationality, I am liv-
id that organizers think we will
sit back and support their at-
tempt to bully the Olympians,
Olympic sponsors and specta-
tors into blindly adopting the
Mormon way during the 2002
Winter Games. Kudos to Rob-
ert Wieder for calling a spade
a spade.

Mara Stewart

Monterey, California

From the beginning, the 2002
Olympic Winter Games have
been a publicity stunt that was
orchestrated despite the oppo-
sition of the vast majority of
Utahans, who have had to tol-
erate the expense and incon-
venience of demolishing and
rebuilding an urban infrastruc-
ture for the privilege of host-
ing the world. The Salt Lake
Organizing Committee has rc-
defined pandering, if not
prostitution.

Terry Mundorff
Salt Lake City, Utah

As a resident of Georgia, I
must say that the Olym
helped Atlanta. Three years af-
ter the 1996 Summer Games,
the city is still reaping the ben-
efits. Unfortunately, as Robert.
Wieder reported, a pious few
seem to be holding similar ben-
efits hostage from the citizens
of Salt Lake City. Here's a com-
monsense solution I hope or-
ganizers will eventually light
upon: Attend the games and
choose not to drink.

Josh Bomar
La Fayette, Georgia

DOUBLE STANDARD?

I am enraged by the double stan-
dard that persists in statutory rape cas-
es ("Statutory Rape Revisited," The
Playboy Forum, May), particularly with
child support—as in the case of 12-
year-old Shane Seyer. It's unfathom-

able that Seyer was found to be respon-
sible for both maternity expenses and
child support. Unfortunately, it seems
typical of our current culture of blame.
"The people who would treat a 12-year-
old as an adult when it comes to paying
child support would undoubtedly want
that same child considered a minor if
the issue were gun ownership. And if
he were to kill someone, they'd flip-flop
again and want him tried as an adult.

Ј. Morrow

Vancouver, Washington

Stephanie Goldberg's article on gen-
der bias in statutory rape cases suggests
the need for fairer sentencing guide-
lines. North Carolina has two classes of
statutory rape that cover consensual
sex between adults and minors aged 13
to 15. If the age discrepancy is six years
or more, the penalty for the adult is the
same as forcible rape and second only
in severity to the punishment for first-
degree murder. It's also more severe
than the sentences given out for three
categories of homicide. Although com-
mon sense says that having consensual
sex with a 15-year-old is a far cry from
rape, the state punishes them equally.
As Goldberg points out, women often
aren't held to the same standard as
men. Two recent cases in North Caroli-
na bear this out. In the first, prosecu-
tors accused a female teacher in her
30s at a Baptist school in Fayetteville of
haying sex with two of her students,
ages 14 and 15. She pled guilty to tak-
ing indecent liberties with a minor and
received a six-month sentence. In the
second, a 24-year-old woman in Lenoir
had a fling with her 13-year-old step-
son, eventually giving birth to a child
that may be his. She received proba-
tion. I am 28 years old and in prison
for one count of statutory rape result-
ing from a consensual relationship with
my teenage girlfriend. My sentence?
“Twenty-two years.

Joshua Stancil
Marion Correctional Institute
Marion, North Carolina

It was unnecessary for Goldberg to
make an issue of the fact that one of the
predatory women, Kerri Lynn Patavi-
no, is a witch. The religious beliefs of
the other women mentioned in the ar-
ticle are conspicuously absent. Patavi-
no's cutting herself and forcing her vic-
tim to lick her blood has nothing to do
with witchcraft. In fact, people of many

religions use sanguineous acts during
sex. By including these lurid details,
Goldberg only perpetuates the myth
that witches are evil.
Steve Swangler
Edgely, Pennsylvania

Аз a champion of open-mindedness,
PLAYBOY should be ashamed of its bi-
ascd portrayal of Kerri Lynn Patavino.
Goldberg portrays her аз a sick individ-
ual who did not get nearly the punish-
ment she deserved. In fact, she is a
victim of religious persecution—which
you have perpetuated. Wicca is not as-
sociated with ritual bloodletting, sacri-
fice, devil worship or any other bizarre
ritual. I am appalled that witch burn-
ing is still acceptable to you.

Douglas McNaughton

Morristown, Indiana

DRUG WARRIOR
You can take your prodrug propa-
ganda (“Drug War Scrapbook,” The
Playboy Forum, April) and stick it up

James В. Petersen's ass. We need to ex-

pand the drug war, not only in the
streets but also in the courts. Drug
dealers need to be dealt with ruthless-
ly, in the same way an exterminator

would go after any pest infestation.
You prodrug advocates are all the
same—you recite meaningless statis-
tics, cite isolated examples of injustice
and protest weakly to ease your para-
noia. Fuck you, PLAYBOY. Long live the
war on drugs!
Karl Logan
Auburn, New York
Your screed highlights an attitude that un-
fortunately seems common among those who
“favor harsh drug laws—namely, an indif-
‘ference to the suffering of those who are
punished excessively. One needn't be “pro-
drug” to be alarmed over a failed public
policy. The FBI’s latest Universal Crime
Report shows that approximately 700,000
Americans were arrested on marijuana
charges in 1997, more than double the num-
ber arrested six years earlier. With the prison
population at an all-time high, what has
your drug war accomplished?

We would like to hear your point of view.
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive,
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312-
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com
(please include your city and state).

FORUM F.Y.

muli ODI BAS) Fel До EL ын

fyou have to stop in North
Carolina, you'll want to
keep your pants on. Ac-
cording to a new study
of syphilis rates in that
state, the disease
has spread to cities
and towns near
Interstate 95.
Researchers
at the Univer-
sity of North
Carolina
and at the
University of
Pittsburgh
speculate
that the drug
trade and risky
sexual behavior
among truckers
may be the causes.

the embattled vibrator can't get any respect

ost Americans are sur-
‚ prised to find out that vi-
brators have a history. Oth-
ers may be dismayed when
tte) learn that vibrators are making
history. Rachel Maines, author of The
Technology of Orgasm: Hysteria, the Vi-
brator and Women's Sexual Satisfaction,
chronicles this history and history-in-
the-making in her witty and vivid book
about America's most prevalent sex toy.

Vibrators were invented in the late
19th century as timesaving devices for
physicians treating the condition of
“hysteria” among their female patients.
The diagnosis of hysteria, Maines
writes, derives from Hippocratic medi-
cine and has been described as the
symptoms that women exhibit “on ac-
count of a lack of sufficient sexual in-
tercourse, a deficiency of sexual gratifi-
cation, or both.”

Whether the afflicted women were
fainting, gasping, sleepless or throw-
ing fits, their condition was often diag-
nosed as a sort of womb fury that the
experts were sure wasa sexual and re-
productive malaise. Spinsters, widows
and overripe virgins were especially
suspect. Nowadays, we would recog-
nizc hysteria as horniness,
with a little ladylike frustra-
tion thrown in.

Maines documents the his-
tory of Western medicine's
interpretation of women's
sexuality, and it is dismal in-
deed. A woman's climax was to
considered to be a “hyster-
ical paroxysm,” sometimes
to be avoided and at other ШН
times to be purged through tients
various kinds of stimulation. po:
This is where vibrators came
in—doctors would use them
to massage their patients in-
to posthysterical relief. The
medical sages were so igno-
rant of the role of the clitoris in sexual
pleasure, and so certain that women
must find completion in coitus, that
even when they used these treatments
on their patients, it appears most of the
doctors were unaware that they were
having a sexual experience.

At the turn of the century, doctors
embraced new technology, and vibra-

Doct

wou.

use
vibrators

massage

hysterical

By SUSIE BRIGHT

tor treatments were the perfect way to
keep patients coming in for a condition
that never went away yet was relieved
by this wondrous quick fix. Hysteria
treatments revealed the implicit com-
mercial appendix to the Hippocratic
oath: “Time is money, hon-
ey!" Doctors were cager to
try the new machine, which
cut their time in treating
such patients from an hour
toa few explosive minutes.

How did Maines discover
the buried secrets of vibra-
tor history? She certainly
didn’t go looking for it. In
the early Seventies she was
studying the classics, with an
emphasis on ancient science
and technology. She began
to do research into the his-
tory of textiles, particularly
the knitting and crocheting
done by women at home,
studying women’s magazines that spe-
cialized in sewing crafts. To Maines’
amusement, she found vibrator adver-
tisements in every publication that she
read, from Woman's Home Companion to
the Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog. As
she explains in her preface,
“My reaction to their turgid
prose was to assume that I
simply had a dirty mind."

She accepted a teaching
position at Clarkson Univer-
sity in Potsdam, New York
and continued her research.
Soon Clarkson thought
Maines was a naughty girl
De too. In 1986, after her first
into artide on the history of the
t- vibrator was published,
Maines lost her job at the
university. Administrators
feared that alumni would
stop giving money if they
imagined their funds were
going to such salacious research.

But Maines had a brilliant dirty
mind—one that could not ignore gen-
uine historical phenomena. As she be-
gan to make inquiries about the origin
of vibrator manufacture, she found
that the devices were among the first
five personal electric appliances sold
for home use—right up there with the

ors

Ads for
White
Cross vi-
brators
pro-
claimed,

“Vibration
is Ше —
and eco-
nomical

too.

toaster, teakettle, sewing machine and
fan. The vibrator preceded the vacuum
cleaner by nine years.

The heyday of these vibrator ads oc-
curred from the early 1900s through
the Twenties. The 1918 Sears, Roebuck
& Co. catalog advertised
them as "aids that every
woman appreciates.” Ads for
White Cross Flectric Vibra-
tors proclaimed, "Vibration
is life" and offered "Swedish
movement right in your own
home! Just a few minutes’
use of the wonderful vibra-
tor and the red blood tin-
gles through your veins—
the same treatment you
would have to pay at least $2
for in a physician's office!”
Yes, the buzz cat was out of
the bag—for the cost of a
few visits to the doctor, you
could have your own vibra-
tor for years and use it as often as you
pleased.

As one can surmise from the euphe-
misms, sex and orgasm were never
mentioned directly. In the ads, the
models aimed the devices at their low-
er backs or the tops of their heads.

Vibrator advertisements began to
fade from women's magazines and fam-
ily catalogs with the advent of celluloid
pornography—in particular, the stag
film. As vibrators made their erotic de-
but in blue movies, advertisers were
hard-pressed to make claims for the
wholesome vigor of their products.
The pornification of vibrators was thus
spearheaded by the technology of mo-
поп pictures, and it was the new pru-
rient attitude toward electric massage
that silenced vibrators.

It wasn't until the Seventies—after a
century of deceit—that feminist sex ed-
ucators such as Joani Blank (founder of
the Good Vibrations sex-toy shop) and
Betty Dodson (author of Sex for One)
cheered the genuine benefits of elec-
tromassagers: the fact that vibrators
produce an exciting sensation when
placed on or near the glans of the clit-
oris. Electric vibrators give most wom-
en an almost instant hard-on and
can quickly bring them, if they so
desire, to an orgasmic threshold. The

consequences are, of course, delicious—
thankfully, a woman in touch with her
orgasm is no longer considered to be
hysterical.

It was also the feminists, most no-
tably Shere Hite in The Hite Report, who
put dit power on the map and made it
known that it was unrealistic to expect
most women to have an orgasm from
straight fucking—i.e., vaginal penetra-
tion with no external clitoral stimula-
tion. Some men question this idea, but
perhaps it’s because the process is not
usually explained to them in terms of
their own orgasm. There are women—
a small but genuine minority—who can
be excited to dimax through pressure
against their vaginal walls. That is, af-
ter all, the only way to massage the
“back room” of the clitoral body, since
only the glans (the little bud) is visible
on the outside.

But a woman's glans is
just like the glans (head)
of a man's penis. it is the
most sensitive part of our
genitals. There are men
who can reach orgasm
simply when someone
licks their balls, or from
prostate stimulation. But
it's no secret that most
men need some primary
attention to the head and
shaft of their penis, if you
expect them to climax be-
fore next Sunday.

Many anthropologists
ask, as does Maines: Why is
it that coitus, the act re-
quired for procreation, does
not give the most efficient
means of stimulation to the
woman as well as to the
man? No one yct has the an-
swer, but at least we're finally
asking the correct question,
Nowadays, we know that sex
is more enjoyable when both lovers
are happy, and that female orgasm
is а healthy part of a woman's sexual
experience.

Some vibrator virgins may be saying,
“Well, you hardly need a mechanical
device to stroke a woman's pussy!"—
and of course they are right. Tongues
and hands, not to mention plain old
bumping and grinding, have brought
pleasure to millions. What has been in-
toxicating to women about the vibrator
(and the same is true of a strong stream
of water, as Maines explains in her
book) is that the intense, quick pres-
sure of vibration accelerates a rush of
arousal most women don't experience
as frequently as men do. Women often

feel they are "slow" compared with
men in terms of getting hot—with the
exceptions of certain hormone surges,
or the heightened occasions of falling
in love or breaking a taboo. Men, on
the other hand, have often envied
women for their ability, once they are
aroused, to keep going and going and
going. Timing is everything, and men
and women sometimes pass each other
by as they attempt an ecstatic connec-
tion. Vibration can build a bridge.

The puritan distaste for things that
give pleasure is alive and well in Amer-
ica. At least three states—Texas, Geor-
gia and Louisiana—have banned sex
toys, though the laws are recent. In
1985 Morality in Media of Louisiana
pressured state lawmakers into passing
a statute that bans the sale ог distribu-
tion of “an artificial penis or vagina de-
signed or

marketed for the stimulation of
human genital organs.” The bill passed
894 in the House and 34-0 in the Sen-
ate. Can you say patriarchy?

The Promotion of Obscene Devices
law languished for more than a decade.
Then, in 1996, police arrested Chris-
tine Brenan, owner of a dance-supply
store situated in a strip mall near New
Orleans. She also sold a selection of sex
toys, including penis-shaped vibrators,
from a corner of her store that she
dubbed Naughty But Nice. When she
continued to sell the toys despite а
warning from police, she again was ar-
rested. Finally, a year later, police came
to the shop a third time after a woman
complained that her 11-year-old step-
daughter had spied a penis-shaped vi-

brator through a latticework partition
that separated the novelties from the
leotards. A jury convicted Brenan of
promoting obscene devices. She re-
ceived a two-year suspended sentence
plus five years probation. The judge al-
50 fined her $1500. Meanwhile, novel-
ty shops on Bourbon Street continued
to sell similar devices.

About the same time, a new battle-

front opened to the east, in Alabama.
Last year 1 received a mass e-mail mes-
sage calling on all good lovers to send
a clean secondhand vibrator to State
Senator Tom Butler. The legislator had
introduced a law stating that anyone
who sells or distributes “any device de-
signed or marketed as useful primarily
for the stimulation of human genital
organs” be punished with a year in jail
and a fine of up to $10,000. Governor
Fob James, the same politician
who threatened to call out the
National Guard to keep the Ten
Commandments on a court-
room wall, signed the anti-toy
bill into law.
With the aid of the ACLU, six
women challenged this luna-
cy. Their attorney, Mark Lopez,
cast the issue in terms of ther-
apeutic relief, saying that sex
therapists recommend vibra-
tors to women who have diffi-
culty reaching orgasm. He also
raised the constitutional point
that intrusion into the privacy
of bedrooms “is not the role of
the government.”

State Attorney General Bill
Pryor defended the law,
claiming there was no funda-
mental right “to purchase a
product to use in pursuit of
having an orgasm.” He even

appeared on G. Gordon Lid-
dy's radio show, claiming that the law
did not violate the right to privacy.

Last April, U.S. District Court Judge
Lynwood Smith overturned the law,
charging it was “overly broad” and
bore no “rational relation to a legiti-
mate state interest.” He too found
refuge in the therapeutic cloak, say-
ing that people who used the devices
would be “denied therapy for, among
other things, sexual dysfunction.” But
like pleasurephobic politicians who
had voted the ban into law, Smith re-
fused to endorse privacy or pleasure,
stating that “this court refuses to ex-
tend the fundamental right of privacy
to protect plaintiffs’ interest” in using
sex toys. If putting a buzzing sex toy
against your clitoris (or penis) isn't a
private act, then what is?

INE

ы tee В:

о N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

FLASH OF GENIUS

SHELTON, CONNECTICUT—A father
asked school officials to change his child’s
bus route because it passed by a replica of
Michelangelo's David. Mark DelVecchio

says his ten-year-old daughter felt uncom-
fortable when her bus passed Ше 15-foot
statue, which is part of a sculpture garden
in an office park. “The view she was get-
ting from the bus window was from the
navel down,” he said. “If she were looking
at the guys face, it would be a different sto-
ry.” Asked about the controversy, a T)
owner quipped, "He should be glad it's not
а statue of Goliath.”

SPACE CADETS

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—The Uranus
Experiment had been marketed as the first
adult movie to include a come shot filmed
in zero gravity. But floating semen wasn't
what alarmed the country's film classifica-
tion board, which banned the movie. In-
stead, it cited a home invasion scene in
which а married character receives a blow
job from a woman who has sneaked into
his bedroom. According to the board, “the
husband does not open his eyes to recognize
that the woman is not his wife and there-
fore does not technically consent to having
sex with her.”

THANKS FOR NOTHING

EVANSTON, ILLINOIS—An HIV-positive
man sued his pharmacy for invasion of

privacy after it distributed а thank-you
note he had written. The man had ex-
pressed appreciation to the pharmacists at
Osco Drug for helping him obtain Norvir,
а protease inhibitor used to treat AIDS.
The letter didn't reveal the man's HIV sta-
tus, but it did mention the drug. The drug-
store chain printed the letter and the man’s
name in its employee neusletter. According
10 the suit, the pharmacy where the man
purchased Norvir added insult to injury by
posting the newsletter containing his letter
above a cash register and on a store window.

SAY NOTO SEARCHES

WASHINGTON, D.C. Ihe U.S. Supreme
Court upheld a lower court ruling that
public schools may not conduct broad-
based drug tests on students. In 1997, the
school board in Anderson, Indiana ех-
panded its drug and alcohol testing policy,
stating that any student who was habitual-
by truant, discovered with tobacco products
or suspended for at least three days had
to submit a urine sample before he or she
could return to class. One freshman, sent
home for five days for fighting, refused.
Officials suspended him again, saying he
would be considered an illicit drug user
and face expulsion if he refused a third
time. The high court said this sort of broad,
suspicionless testing of students violates the
Constitution.

TONGUE-LASHING

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK—In 1990, hos-
pital secretary Joan Ramprasad became an
evangelical Christian, which sometimes led
her to speak in tongues. Three years later,
as she spoke to an administrator, Ram-
prasad began to spout what she later said
were prayers and prophecies from the Ho-
ly Spirit. To the stunned administrator it
sounded like gibberish. She reported that
Ramprasad had acted unprofessionally
and might be mentally ill. The secretary
continued to speak in tongues on the job,
sometimes weeping intensely, until the hos-
pital fired her in 1997 following two poor
job evaluations. Ramprasad went to court,
claiming religious discrimination. A fed-
eral judge said she might have a case,
ruling that evangelicals can enjoy protect-
ed status under federal employment dis-
crimination law.

HUNTING FOR CAUSES

CASTLE ROCK, COLORADO—An uniden-
tified high school student stole numerous
photos from a sealed envelope he found in
а school office. Several images showed a
naked man hunting; in one, the hunter
stood over a dead antelope, his genitals
hidden by the rifle. About 50 outraged stu-
dents skipped class to protest. “Honk your
horn and stop the porn!” they shouted to
drivers, telling reporters they had identi-
fied the hunter as the assistant principal in
charge of discipline. Officials later said the
photos actually showed the assistant prin-
cipal's son, who was a security guard at
the school. They immediately fired him for
bringing the snapshots to work.

- RED-LETTER LAWN

SUNNYSIDE, WASHINGTON— Tarah Ly-
czewski thought her father needed a wake-
up call. Inspired by Nathaniel Haw-
thorne, she built а seven-foot-high scarlet
“A” from plastic irrigation pipe and red
garland, equipped it with a strobe light
and placed it on the family’s front lawn.
Her parents had separated after 26 years
of marriage, and Dad moved in with an-
other woman before the divorce was final
“We were raised with high moral stan-

dards,” Tarah explained. “I told my dad
that we'll take it down if he stops living
with her." Her father responded: "They see

it as an affair. I see it as a relationship."
More than 200 neighbors petitioned the
city to have the display removed.

we don't put our name on it.

't make your pulse quicken,

it doesn

If i

рипоа рац ınoA эдеш jeyı заицоеш
40} pansasal 5! эшеи Jaauoıg ayı чадшашен 189 аэел Jamodasıoy +008 5,10п24 11025 :aujyoeW
40148dns Ајједбојоицзај лецоше Aq pauıol uaaq әлеу ıapı022y GJ 1е8иощ! Mau aui pue sAejdsip
13 2шеб10 Чум 509.835 189 гавиощ по бищ ро Aue ио aweu то dejs sn ,UOp әм %згаәио 1V

авраозви йо

Turn it on. Pioneer

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW. ALBERT BROOKS

a candid conversation with the funniest man in america about killing people
with laughter, getting sharon stone naked and how stand-up ruined his life

Albert Brooks, it has been said, is the fun-
niest white man in America. Actually, some-
one said that right here, in this magazine, 16
years ago—back when Richard Pryor was
working more. Two years ago, Entertain-
ment Weekly called Albert Brooks the fifth
funniest living person—afier Robin Wil-
liams, Jerry Seinfeld, Roseanne and Jim
Carrey, all of whom are white and would cer-
tainly have voted Albert Brooks ahead of
them. Comedians, in fact, revere him in out-
size fashion. David Letterman has said:
He's above all of us.” Steve Martin has
said: “He is someone you respect and fear at
the same time, because of his brilliance.”
Such fear is justified. Carrie Fisher was once
trapped for а weekend on а boat with Brooks
and reported: “He never slept and he was
never not funny, and I was scared that he'd
follow me everywhere and keep me laughing
until I got physically ill and died." Brooks
himself has admitted, “My biggest fear is of
being too funny and murdering people by
making them cough and then winding up in
а lawsuit."

Albert Brooks is known to and by his com-
ic brethren simply as Albert. His name is
usually invoked in hushed tones of awe. Ws
as if his mind came without an off switch.
Filmmaker James L. Brooks has said, “I
don't think of il as being on—I think of it as

“People under 30 don't even know Jack Ben-
ny. Every day Гт more hugely aware of just
how unimportant everyone is. It's almost
comforting. It's just a matter of time before
everyone is swept under the carpet."

being him." The director James L. Brooks is
not related io the comedian Albert Brooks,
although Albert Brooks has appeared in tuo.
films by James L. Brooks—most famously,
Broadcast News (1987), whose most memo-
rable scene may well be that of Alberi, play-
ing reporter Aaron Altman, sweating prodi-
gious amounts of flop while anchoring a
disastrous newscast. When asked to explain
his acting motivation for the scene, Albert
said, “Jim read me my back-end deal before
we shot it.” The part earned him an Oscar
nomination for Best Supporting Actor and
perhaps his widest visibility to date.

He began as a stand-up comedian whose
television appearances—especially on The
Tonight Show starring Johnny Garson in the
early Seventies—became the stuff of legend.
His bits were bits of gold: Albare, the bad
French mime who described his every gesture
(“Now I am petting зе dog”); Alberto Ihe ele-
phant trainer, whose elephant was lost, leav-
ing him with only a replacement frog; and
the World’s Worst Ventriloquist, whose lips
moved more than his дитту did. Time
magazine anointed him “the smartest, most
audacious talent since Lenny Bruce and
Woody Allen." Said his friend Steven Spiel-
berg in 1975: "Albert is not only the funniest
but also the most visual humorist working
today." Whereupon Albert Brooks became,

"Roberto Benigni is the scariest guy on all
awards shows. You don't want to see people
being that grateful. It makes art dirty. When
you see him act like that, it makes you think,
My life is fucked if I dont win.”

move оу less, а comic filmmaker whose out-
pul of movies would be small yet unforget-
table and sparkle in the same rarefied man-
ner as the lean legacy of Preston Sturges.
Newsweek called Brooks’ films “spare, dar-
ing, obsessive comedies no one else could
make.” He is, т а sense, Woody Allen West—
except that Brooks’ Californian angst is
more universal, he has a harder time getting
studio financing and his hair is curlier.

As of this month, there are six feature films
written and directed by Albert Brooks, all of
which will be forever treasured by people who
memorize his dialogue and repeat it to their
friends. The Brooksian oeuvre in retrospect:
Real Life (1979), the first and finest parody
of the classic PBS documentary An Ameri-
can Family, in which Brooks brings cameras
into an ordinary Phoenix household so
achingly dull that he is finally forced to set it
afire; Modern Romance (1981), an unpar-
alleled dissection of hopeless love, at the out-
sel of which he breaks up with a woman—
Kathryn Harrold—and spends the rest of the

îlm trying to get her back; Lost in America
, in which an upwardly mobile couple
cashes in their life savings to drop out of so-
ciety ("to touch Indians”) and the wife
Julie Hagerty—immediately loses everything
in Las Vegas (“You took our nest egg and you
broke it all over the Desert Inn! You filled up

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO
“Having a child when you're a little bit old-
ет—Гт not talking Tony Randall older—is
the coolest thing in the world. I guess the
downside is that we're already looking at
high schools with wheelchair ramps."

PLAYBOY

the casino with yolk!"); Defending Your Life
(1991), in which Brooks dies and wakes up
in an afterlife way station called Judgment
City, where he must account for his earthly
lot while falling in love with also-dead Mer-
yl Streep; Mother (1996), in which he is a
twice-divorced man who moves back home
with his mother (Debbie Reynolds) because
he thinks solving his relationship with her
will solve his relationships with all women;
and now The Muse, a Capraesque fantasy in
which he plays a desperate screenwriter who
finds an actual muse—Sharon Stone as a
daughter of Zeus living in Los Angeles—to
help him write a Jim Carrey comedy. Stone—
finally allowed to be funny on-scrcen—says
of Albert: "He's the Martin Scorsese of com-
edy. Not since Basic Instinct have 1 been of-
fered а part that was so exceptional that I
couldn't believe I wasn't 70,000th in line for
it." She was first. Besides Stone, The Muse
boasts casi members Andie MacDowell, Jeff
Bridges, Rob Reiner, Steven Wright, James
Cameron and Scorsese himself—which only
confirms the importance of being near Albert.

More fun facts about Albert Brooks: He
was born Albert Lawrence Einstein (“No!
No wonder people kept making fun of me!")
on July 22, 1947. His father, Harry Ein-
stein, was the beloved radio comedian Park-
yakarkus, and his mother is the former ac-
tress-singer Thelma Leeds Bernstein; they
met as contract players at RKO in the Thir-
ties. Albert is the fourth son of Einstein—his
half brother is the baseball writer Charles;
his full brothers are Cliff, a successful ad ex-
ecutive, and Bob, a comedy producer also
known as Super Dave Osborne. Raised in
Beverly Hills-adjacent, Albert reigned as
class clown of Beverly Hills High School
among such friends as Richard Dreyfuss and
Rob Reiner. At 16, he did an impromptu bit
in Carl Reiner's living room—an escape
artist trying desperately to free himself from
а handkerchief draped gently over his wrists.
Carl Reiner went on The Tonight Show and
declared young Albert Einstein a comic ge-
nius. Albert attended and dropped out of
Carnegie Tech drama school in Pittsburgh,
returned to Los Angeles with aspirations to
act, got nowhere, grudgingly became а come-
dian and quickly changed his name. (“You
know, the real Albert Einstein changed his
name to sound more intelligent.")

As Albert Brooks, in 1968, he went forth
and made television comedy on the shows
of Steve Allen, Dean Martin, Flip Wilson,
‚Johnny Cash, Helen Reddy, Ed Sullivan,
Meru Griffin and, most significantly, Johnny
Carson. Brooks’ two record albums—Come-
dy Minus One (1973) and the Grammy-
nominated A Star Is Bought (1975)—be-
came landmarks of the form, though his days
as а stand-up comic began taking a toll on
his psyche. A minor nervous breakdown
spurred him to turn his talents toward film-
making. His first short film, Albert Brooks’
Famous School for Comedians (1973), was
based on а parody of correspondence schools
that he had written for Esquire (Fill in
blank: “Take my wife, „А: for in-

56 stance; В: I'll be along later; C: please!”).

After rejecting an offer to be permanent host
of Saturday Night Live, he made six short
films for the show's first season. In one of
those films, he performed open-heart sur-
gery; in another he was sick in bed.

He has appeared in other people’s mov-
ies—as an annoying campaign worker in
Taxi Driver; as a newlywed who dies during
orgasm in Private Benjamin; as a guy eaten
by Dan Aykroyd in The Twilight Zone; as a
singing film producer in ГИ Do Anything; as
a gruff baseball scout in The Scout (he co-
wrote and sort of regrets it); and—all in the
past two years—as an elderly alcoholic doc-
tor (Critical Care), a bald convict (Out of
Sight) and the voice of a suicidal tiger (Dr.
Dolittle). He once had a reputation for being
reclusive and secretive—friends were rarely
allowed to see his house and often didn’t
know the last names of women he dated un-
less they were famous. The famous ones were
Linda Ronstadt, Candice Bergen, Julie Hag-
erty and Kathryn Harrold. In 1997, he mar-
ried Kimberly Shlain, а beautiful multime-
dia creative artist, who last October gave
birth to their son, Jacob Eli Brooks. The
Brooks family lives high atop Mulholland

4124
WIAD

"Wanna come up to my room and fuck?”

When he was in high school, Albert Brooks
submitted this cartoon ideo to PLAYBOY and
we rejected it. It looks a lot better [0 us now.

Drive in Los Angeles, т a large house that
their friends have been allowed to see. We
dispatched writer Bill Zehme to survey the
amazing mind of this comic auteur. Zehme
reports: “I have known Albert for many
years and feel certain that ГИ eventually see
the house. We once worked together onstage,
at the first U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in As-
pen, where 1 moderated the American Film
Institute’s tribute to him. It was, in essence,
the first time he'd done stand-up comedy in
20 years. He killed, of course—much chok-
ing and gagging in the room. Afterward, we
decided that it might have had something to
do with thin air at a high altitude. Now, four
years hence, I discovered a new Albert less
manic, more grounded, still much funnier
than you, a family man who suspects that the
purple Teletubby is, in fact, gay—or at least
misunderstood. We met several times at his
office on the Universal lot, where he was in
the final stages of editing The Muse, about
which he was very excited. Later, we spoke at

length on the phone, during which time he
played me Elton John's entire original score
for the film. He sang along, even though
there were no words. It took a while. I think
he has a very nice voice."

PLAYBOY: Go ahead.
BROOKS: Oh, I don't know. You do it. I'm
not going to do your opening for you.
PLAYBOY: Come on. The Playboy Interview
is all yours. Just do your plug for the
readers and we'll get on with it.
BROOKS: Look, let's be honest. What
have the readers done before getting
here? ‘They've gone to the pictures first,
maybe to us second—or else the joke
page. It depends on the reader. Maybe
мете third. But by the time they get to
us, they've masturbated, right? They've
finished and they're bored. Well, there's
nothing better to do after a nice come
than to go see The Muse—open now in
wide release and at a theater near you!
PLAYBOY: Wait—can we have them read
the interview first?
BROOKS: Yes, yes, you're right. Let them
towel off with us. You know, I sent a car-
toon to PLAYBOY when I was in high
school. It didn't get accepted, but I real-
ly thought it was great. | had someone
draw it for me, and I presented it very
professionally. It showed a store that
sold etchings and the etchings salesman
was talking to a beautiful woman. His
line was, “Wanna come up to my гооп
and fuck?" [Laughs] It's a good joke.
PLAYBOY: Entertainment Weekly decided
that you were the fifth funniest living
person. People who know you wanted a
recount
BROOKS: Hey, I'm glad I was five instead.
of 80. But what does it mean? If you look
in the Bible under Armageddon, one of
the signs that the world is ending is
excessive numbers of lists and awards
shows. Another sign is awards being giv-
en for performances on other awards
shows. It’s like brothers and sisters ћау-
ing children together—same thing. It's
entertainment blood incest.
PLAYBOY: But didn't you once say that the
Bible could not possibly be true?
BROOKS: Here's my the: You know
that game Telephone, where you tell a
person one thing, and by the time it's
been passed on to the seventh person,
it’s all crazy? I mean, I’m sure that Moses
had a rowboat, stuck it in the water and
kept a little bit of water from getting on
his shoe. And some guy said, “Hey, did
you sce what Moses did? He was able to
keep his shoes dry.” And the next guy
said, “Hey, did you hear about Moses—
he didn't even get wet!” And the next
guy said, “Moses went into the ocean
without getting wet.” And the next guy
said, “Hey, did you hear? Moses walked
into the ocean and didn’t get a drop on
him!” And by the sixth guy, the water
had parted and Moses had walked eight
miles into the Red Sea.

You see it in your own life—facts get

Light one up,
let it bring out the Playboy

Zesty flavor and rich aroma consistently blended
and rolled, to enhance any setting. Wherever it is smoked.

Playboy by Don Diego Cigars. у I

Label and Band © Playboy 1998, PLAYBOY, RABBIT HEAD DESIGN, HMH and HUGH M. HEFNER are trademarks of Playboy Enterprises, Inc. and used with permission.”

PILI KEIO

If there's a mouse in your
house, catch the free Consumer
Information Catalog online.
There you'll find the latest
info from more than 40
government agencies.

dust point and click your
way to www.pueblo.gsa.gov
to nibble on hunks of useful
information on saving
money, staying healthy, even
educating your children.
There are more than 250
free publications ready for
you to read or download.

Or you can order the
Catalog by mailing your
name and address to Free
Catalog, Pueblo, CO 81009.
But for the fastest info
running, scurry to the
Consumer Information
Catalog online.

www.pueblo.gsa.gov
(It's the са в meow.)

U.S. General Services
Administration

screwed up from one person to another.
The Bible has been passed along by so
many people, everybody has to embell-
ish it a little bit. One guy said, “The Cru-
sades had to be a little more interesting
than this. Why don’t we make a plague
here? If six people got sick, Im sure it
must have been 600!”

PLAYBOY: Let's get back to your Arma-
geddon. Doesn't The Muse open with an
awards ceremony?

BROOKS: Yes, the Humanitarian Awards.
My character wins one for screenwriting.
Maybe my favorite line in the movie is
when the little girl playing my daughter
asks, "What's a humanitarian, Daddy?"
And he says, "Someone who's never won
the Oscar."

By the way, we were in a restaurant
last night and that guy Roberto Benigni
and his wife came in. He's the scariest
guy of all on awards shows.

You don't want to see people being
that grateful for a statue. It makes art
dirty. It's all wrong. You shouldn't be
working just for that. I mean, Jesus
Christ, when you see him act like that, it
makes you think, God, my life is fucked
if I don't win. It's the first time I've ever
really thought, Oh my God! I have noth-
ing! But 1 did say to my wife, “If he gets
on his knees and kisses Whoopi Gold-
berg's feet, I will kill my child. I will sac-
rifice my own child."

PLAYBOY: Which brings us to one of histo-
ry's most criminal Oscar upsets: You lost
the Best Supporting Actor award to Sean
Connery in 1988, when you were nomi-
nated for your role in Broadcast Neus.
Did you feel robbed?

BROOKS: I remember that before the Os-
cars, the Los Angeles Times published a
poll taken at the Ivy, a big Hollywood
restaurant. According to the poll, 1 had
won. Also, when Sean Connery did his
Barbara Walters interview and talked
about beating up women, I thought,
Hmm, I have a shot here. He won any-
way. You know who probably voted Юг
him? Women. You can't beat 'em, you
can't be beat without 'em.

PLAYBOY: Can you reveal the acceptance
speech you never got to make?

BROOKS: God, if 1 ever win 1 might still
use it. I was going to say thank you and
everything, and then I was going to say,
“You know, they keep warning all the
nominees to keep it short because there
are 6 billion people watching all over the
world, and Г understand that, and I just
hate to use this platform for anything
personal, but—1 lost a green sports jack-
et in the Copenhagen airport. If anyone
has found it, please call.”
PLAYBOY: The Muse is, in a sense, the first
film in which you get to make fun of
Hollywood and the people who run it
BROOKS: Certainly, if the movie has any
theme, it's that anybody can run this
place. As a filmmaker, I believe that ev-
ery time you drive by a studio, every car
in that parking lot is there to keep you

from doing what you want to do. There
are a lot of highly paid people inside
whose jobs are to say things. If they don't
say anything, they don't feel like they're
justifying their jobs. Quite frankly, 1
wrote this film for Paramount and they
didn't choose to make it. The words I
heard were too inside" Which drives
me crazy. This thing "inside." This will
go on long after Im no longer on this
earth. They say: “People won't get it.”
And I say, "They won't get it because you
won't give it to them, and if you won't
give it to them, they'll never get it."
That's the truth.

People aren't stupid. At some point
you have to show them another thing.
And they always like other things. I said,
“How did Seinfeld become the number
one show in the world? According to
you, it wouldn't even be allowed on the
air in Alabama. There would be a warn-
ing: Jews are on TV. Turn off set.” And, by
the way, this movie is not about show
business, really. Once the muse shows up
to save my career, she moves into my
house and it becomes a domestic farce.
PLAYBOY: Pauline Kael once compliment-
ed you by writing that your curly hair re-
minded her of brains worn outside of
your head
BROOKS: You thought that was a compli-
ment? I had to wear a goddamned hat
for two months afterward!

PLAYBOY: You must hate to hear the term
cult following, but your fans do seem to
be extraordinarily devout. They repeat
lines from your films like mantras.
BROOKS: You know nothing!

PLAYBOY: What?

BROOKS: That was a line from Modern Ro-
mance. lused to hear that one a lot: “You
know nothing!” Yes, my cult—like Jim
Jones, you get a glass of Kool-Aid with
‘every screening. Listen, you have to cher-
ish all your fans, because that’s all you've
got. You can't work in a void.

PLAYBOY: So how did you decide that
your muse should look like Sharon
Stone?

BROOKS: Hey, I'm not stupid! You pick
Dame Edna! Actually, October Films
gave me a dream list of names that
would help them worldwide. Sharon's
name was at the top. I knew her a little
bit and she'd always had this reputation
for being funny, which she is. She can
make fun of herself, which is always a.
good thing, and she has a light, airy
quality that people haven't seen. So I
thought, Wow, this is new! She could do
this. She was my first choice.

PLAYBOY: What's the sexiest thing you
saw her do during your time together?
BROOKS: Take her clothes off.

PLAYBOY: That works.

BROOKS: But let me tell you something:
It was her idea. And this is why I like her.
There's a scene in the movie that calls
for awkwardness—she's going to share a
bed with my wife, played by Andie
MacDowell. I thought she should wear

something slinky. But she said, "I really
have to be naked here, I think, for this to
3 led she did it, be-
cause it got me а PG-13 rating for brief
nudity. So when it comes on HBO, itll
say brief nudity, and that's always excit-
ing. Unless people think it's me.
PLAYBOY: You did a nude scene in Modern
Romance. You said the movie might have
made more топеу if you had shaved
your back.
BROOKS: That's what studio research told
us. And, by the way, now the studio's re-
search department will shave your back.
"They have a whole division. They'll do
everything. They have a barber, a tai-
lor—everything.
PLAYBOY: Do you have muses? Who do
you bounce your ideas off of?
BROOKS: One of the reasons I married
my wife is that she's got this wonderful
brain and a great sense of humor. I talk
to her about everything. Also, I used to
be really close—like talking daily—to
Jim Brooks, who gave me those roles
in Broadcast News and ГИ Do Anything.
When 1 wasn't in As Good As It Gels,
I stopped talking to him. Better put те
in the movies, fim, if you want to be
my friend.

Over the years I've written all but one
of my movies with Monica Johnson, the
sister of comedy writer Jerry Belson. She
found me through Penny Marshall, and
1 thought she had great comedic sensi-
bilities. She innately understands the Al-

bert Brooks “character” in these films.
And she's a woman, which is always a
good thing when you write. She makes
me laugh. And she’s a great laugher, too.
I could never write with someone who
didn’t laugh well.

PLAYBOY: Is laughter better than sex?
BROOKS: Gee, I always thought it was the
same thing.

PLAYBOY: You reportedly once told the
actor Elizabeth Perkins that when you're
in love, you completely lose your sense
of humor. Does that sound right?
BROOKS: No, that was another one of my
great hit-on lines. That naive little girl! I
don't know—I'm sure it was true the
evening I said it.

PLAYBOY: Of course, Modern Romance
stands as one of the greatest contempo-
rary portraits of futile, neurotic love
BROOKS: The best way I can describe it is
that when you're in love, you complete-
ly lose your sense of humor. Can I just
add this: А woman is like a diving
board. You'll only find her at one end
ofthe pool.

PLAYBOY: Which means?

BROOKS: I don't know. Гус lost my sense
of humor.

PLAYBOY: You've had relationships
least two of your leading ladies
ryn Harrold and Julie Hagerty.
BROOKS: Oh, sure. You're paying these
people a lot of money to like you. It
works out to something like seven grand
a day. You ought to get a little smooch-

ing out of it.

PLAYBOY: There was a great date-from-
hell scene in Mother, in which you have
nothing in common with the woman.
This comes from experience?

BROOKS: 1 had plenty of those dates. In
the six months before I met my wife, I
had sort of given up on even attempting
mental communication with new wom-
en. I went with one woman to see While
You Were Sleeping—that movie with San-
dra Bullock. In the car on the way home,
she said to me, “1 think that’s the funni-
est movie I've ever seen.” And I really
debated whether just to drive off Mul-
holland and kill us right then, or to drop
her off first and take eight sleeping pills.
It was cute, but the funniest movie some-
body ever saw?

PLAYBOY: There's a movie-date lesson in
there somewhere.

BROOKS: Yeah—never to go a comedy
with someone you're not sure of. It's a
dangerous thing. It's pretty safe to go
see a drama, but comedy is the most
specific art form there is. What people
laugh at tells so much about them that
you can be very disappointed, especially
if you do it for a li
PLAYBOY: Obviously, Kimberly Shlain, the
woman who became your wife, has bet-
ter taste in funny movies.

BROOKS: She was a huge fan. Why would
she want to meet me if she didn't really
like my movies?

PLAYBOY. Which means the ending of

The Picture's never been Brighter...
The Sound's never been Clearer...

Split-screen

comparison

шашса, notes
сепез
1984 апа 1999 Featurette
SFX documentary
DVD-ROM

Web Li

Delete,

КОТ
DLUMBIA
PICTURES

ni
uer ouis о k and more!
‘SoH Lut snd Beson Слз тим Momo Vie А Papa Patet

PZLERZYZBIORN

Mother was personally prophetic: After
giving up on relationships, you acciden-
tally meet a woman who appreciates you
andis on your wavelength. Your life im-
itated your art.

BROOKS: I really believe there's some
sixth sense, like dogs have, that you at-
tract people much better when you
aren't looking for them. What was that
great line Jim Brooks wrote for me in
Broadcast News? “Wouldn't this be a
great world if desperation and insecuri-
ty made us more attractive?” Well, the
world doesn’t work like that. And you
don’t attract people who are good for
you. So I had reached a point in my life
where I said, “OK, I'm just going to ride
out this journey alone.” I had finally
given up worrying, Who am I going
to meet? And then, within about two
months, 1 met my wife.

PLAYBOY: How?

BROOKS: We were set up by my friend
Paul Slansky and his wife. She is in the
computer world and Kimberly is too.
Kimberly is a brilliant artist and painter
who transferred her talent to the com-
puter, creating websites, among other
things. I will say this—our relationship
has never been problematic. It’s all been
easy. I haven't seen a shrink for a dozen
years, but when I did all he ever said was
that things should be easy, not hard. Es-
pecially in the beginning.

PLAYBOY: Did you make a great proposal?
BROOKS: I don’t think it was necessarily a
proposal. We were sort of living together
and she basically said, “I don’t want to
do this anymore. It's wasting my time.
Either shit or get off the pot." So I did.
By the way, I'm God's mule. 1 have а
hard time budging and would never do.
anything if someone didn't make me.
But this was the woman I wanted to
make me. I realized, This is OK, youre
the perfect woman. Go ahead and push
me and I'll move.

PLAYBOY: Is there а reason your baby son,
Jacob, has the same name as the suicidal
tiger you voiced in Dr. Dolittle?

BROOKS: That was coincidental! I didn’t
name him after a cartoon character. m
a better father than that. 1 didn't even
realize it until afterward.

PLAYBOY: Describe the upside of becom-
ing a father when уоште in your 50s.
BROOKS: Having a child when уоште a
little older—I'm not talking Tony Ran-
dall older—is the coolest thing in the
world. The concerns you have when
уоште 30 about your career and stuff
are huge. There's just something great
about getting past that period so you can
really devote your attention to someone
and mean it. I don’t know what else
there is to do on earth. I guess the down-
side is that we're already looking at high
schools with wheelchair ramps.

PLAYBOY: How well did you perform in
the delivery room?

BROOKS: 1 cried. When the head popped
out, I just wept.

PLAYBOY: You gave up singlehood during
maybe the randiest presidency in histo-
ry. Did you have any favorite passages
from the Starr report?

BROOKS: My child is not old enough to
ask a lot of questions. But I think it
might have been uncomfortable if you
had a kid around five years old. The
president should not be responsible for
the word head coming up at dinner.
That should come from the father.
When I'm ready to tell my kid what head
is, I'll tell him. I don't want the president
telling him. “Daddy, what is being on
your knees in the Oval Office?” "Well,
that’s a kind of Muslim prayer.

PLAYBOY: How did you learn about sex?
BROOKS: I certainly don't recall any pa-
rental conversations. 1 guess you learn
from your friends. The first time any-
thing profound happened was in the
shower when I was very young. 1 re-

member that my mother had like 16 lady
friends over, and I ran downstairs and
said that I was in the shower and I don't
know what happened—but this white
stuff came out! They were all shocked:
“Honey, don't do it again.” I said, "What,
no more showers?" Well, I was in the
shower about eight times a day for the
next three years.

PLAYBOY: What were the circumstances of
how yov, um, became a man?

BROOKS: I think this is the way it hap-
pened: About nine of us went to a pros-
titute in downtown Los Angeles and
brought a case of liquor and we each got
four minutes. We just wanted to get that
moment over with and that’s really all it
was, man. She was an older, tired per-
son. And one after another we just went
in and came out and then it was done.
It was one time only. And then, in high
school, I knew this older woman who
was a nurse—it was one of those Summer
of 42 stories.

PLAYBOY: How much older was she?
BROOKS: When you're 15, anybody in
her 20s seems like Jennifer O'Neill. She
must have been at least ten years old-
er. It was great. And I never told any-
body about it. 1 didn’t want anyone to
catch on and think, I want to get a nurse
too. I didn’t have to go through the
begging that my friends did with high
school girls.

PLAYBOY; You were raised in a house with
two older brothers—Cliff, the oldest, is
an advertising bigwig, and Bob is best
known as TV’s Super Dave Osborne.
Did they pick on you much?

BROOKS: Bob, my middle brother, picked
on me a lot. [t was just his nature. He
was very big and wanted to be the rul-
er. He always used to threaten me. He
would say, “ГП break your neck." Then
I was in the hospital with a separated
shoulder from football and was next to a
kid whose neck was broken. And I saw

IF this bar is a
meat market, you
7 be prime rib.

Do yov believe in
love at First siqht,
ог should_l walk

плав, OH.

how horribly serious that was. I said to
Bob, That's a terrible threat. That's
paralysis!”

PLAYBOY: Are you still afraid of him?
BROOKS: No, we got that all out about 12
years ago. I had anger left in me. I used
to have dreams of wanting to beat him
up and stuff. But when we got all of this
out on the table, he apologized. Then
the dreams stopped.

PLAYBOY: Do you remember the first
laugh you ever got?

BROOKS: ‘The first was probably in third
grade, I don't really remember. But
there was a huge moment in my life at a
Beverly Hills High School talent show.
‘The parents and the students all par-
ticipated—parents like Carl Reiner and
Robert Merrill. I was the emcee. And 1
just killed. I remember one Chinese stu-
dent who did a big dance with those long
streaming things. One of my jokes was,
“Wasn't she wonderful? Actually, there
was a terrible accident early this after-
noon when she rehearsed—a 707 landed
on the football field."

PLAYBOY: Weren't you also the one who
read bogus class announcements at the
beginning of the school day?

BROOKS: Yes, my teacher made a deal
with me that if I behaved, she'd give me
five minutes of stand-up every day. So I
read the bulletins and made up stuff
about what was going to happen. I was
always getting laughs in school. Before
that, when I was six, I remember Eddie
Cantor came to the house—he used to
work with my father. I had just gotten
home from a Cub Scout meeting and my
father asked about it. And I mispro-
nounced a word. I said, “We had cookies
and apple schnider” Cantor liked that:
“Hey, Parky, your kid's funny!” Apple
schnider—the Jewish fruit drink.
PLAYBOY: Your father, Harry Einstein,
played Parkyakarkus, Cantor's radio side-
kick of sorts. Describe his comedy.

BROOKS: Well, he was a Greck-dialect co-
median, so it was a lot of malapropisms.
Parkyakarkus was a character he had
been doing locally in Boston back in the
Thirties. Eddie Cantor heard him and
brought him out to Hollywood. He
worked on the Eddie Cantor and А! Jol-
son radio shows. Then he got his own
show, Meet Me at Farkys, which ran about
seven years. One bit I always remember
from that show: My dad was slowly typ-
ing up the menu for his restaurant and
misspelling everything. Roast: R-U-S-T.
Beef. B-I-F. His assistant at the restau-
rant came in and said, “All right, Parky,
I'm in a hurry. Just give me the menu
and give it to me quickly! I have a lot to
do." He seid "OK, you want it quickly?
We're going to have sirloin steak and
tenderloin steak, good piece lamb chop,
great big pork chop, nice fried onions,
fresh peeled scallions, french-fried pota-
toes, lettuce and tomatoes; string beans,
baked beans, hup beans, too; cookeral,
hookeral, chicken stew; mickerel, picker-
el, haddock, tripe; lobster, oyster, shrimp
or pike; hot pies, cold pies, soft pie, mud
pie, ickleberry, bermberry, stroomberry,
too; stiff cream, whipped cream, plain
cream, no cream; squashed-up apple,
coconut; custard, mustard, ketchup,
chili, salt and pepper and piccalilli.
‘Twenty-five cents!”

1 memorized that from a record when
I was seven and never forgot it. I try to
check in with it every three years to see if
my brain is still reasonably intact. I can
just imagine being 80 and trying: “We're
gonna have, oh, damn it—I know it was
food! Oh well.”
PLAYBOY: Who decided to name you Al-
bert Einstein?
BROOKS: My mother blames it on my
dad, but I don't know for sure.
PLAYBOY: You spent most of your child-
hood almost expecting your father to
die. It happened when you were 112

BROOKS: Eleven and a half. He was only
54. But for as longas I could remember,
1 was always paranoid that my father was
going to die. I knew a sick person was in
my house. When he was young, he had a
disease where the spinal cord and the
vertebrae fuse together. In the Thirties,
he underwent like 25 operations and
wasn't expected to live. Then doctors
were positive he'd never walk. But he
did walk, just slowly, and he gained a
lot of weight. Ultimately, he died of a
heart attack.

PLAYBOY: Not that it’s any consolation,
but his was sort of a legendary show
business death.

BROOKS: Onstage, literally. He was per-
forming only occasionally and, on this
night, he was on a dais of performers
at the Friars Club to honor Lucille Ball
and Desi Arnaz. The night before, I had
helped him with his routine, working a
wire recorder for him. I didn’t go to the
Toast, but he got up and was brilliant. He
talked extravagantly and sincerely about
them, then missed their names—"my
closest friends in the world, Miss Louise
Bowls and Danny Arnaz!” It was elegant,
they screamed, he sat down, put his
head on the table and passed on. Right
there. They stopped the dinner, took
him backstage, cut him open and
shocked him with a lamp cord. But that
was it. What always impressed me was
that he finished. He didn’t die in the
middle of a line. That's what makes you
believe in something.

PLAYBOY: Was the funeral funny?
BROOKS: More than the actual funeral, I
remember that all the comedians came
to our house afterward. Milton Berle
tried to cheer us up by putting a cigar up
his nose. I'll never forget that.

PLAYBOY: What about your parents? Did
they know you were funny?

BROOKS: I don't recall that my mother
ever thought I was funny. That's why I

we
rock and

What Jo you say
о behind a
eta

little bolder

A Better Way
Те Get Someone To
Pucker Ue. Pucker.
The Sweet & Sour

Drink Sensation.

Featuring Seur Arrle ard SME Watermelon.

Also Cheri—Beri and Grape.

Make responsibility part of your enjoyment.

P SHOWS OFF KIMBERLY PAGE'S SEXY SLAMMING BODY

PLAYEOY'S

PLAYBOY

Misa Ven
bumag:

Û EG
El AWE
КО

ҮШ YOU

Playboy's Hardbodies is back by popular
demand! Led by Danelle Folta, Kelly
Monaco and the rest of Playboy’s
Exireme Team (who prove that Playmates
‚can kick butt in almost any sport), these
girls blend femininity and attdeticism in
а way that will gel your heart pumping
and lecve you totally drained. Plus,
WCW champ Diamond Dallas Page joins.
the fun with his gorgeous wife, Kimberly!
Book AQFT9911 $6.95

ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494

Most major credit ens accepted. Source Code 03530
ORDER BY MAIL

dude acá card occount number ond epi
ам ог senê o check ar money order to Playboy,

Playboy's
Celebrities Video
What made these women famous?
Television? Movies? Playboy? Those
certoirly helped, but when a woman
hos beauty, sex appeal and person-

Pamela Anderson, Carmen Eledra,

‘and more of Playboy's most-soughi-
after celebrities. Full nudity. Approx.
69 min.

Video ARI8B1V $19.98

ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9424
Most majar credit cards accepted, Source

Code 03577

ORDER BY MAIL Include credit cord
account number ond expiration date or
send a check or money order to
Pieybey, РО. Box 009, Source Code
03577, Нокса, Ilinois 60143-0809,
EX nding charge
per Gs jais residents
include 6.75% sales fax.

Canadian orders accepted (plena visit our web-
site lor other foreign orders).

Visit the Playboy Stare at
www.playboystoro.com

‚Also available at

borders com
video and music stores

wrote Mother, which is what the whole
movie was about. I know she’s proud of
me and I can make her laugh today. But
for most of my life, it didn't matter how
funny I was or how funny anybody told
her I was—she was very serious about
wanting me to have another business to
fall back on. But I still wanted her ap-
proval. I would call her after every Car-
son appearance What did you think?”
And she would always, always have the
same answer: "Oh, it was wonderful!
What did Johnny think?"

And I'd say, "Well, you saw the show—
did you hear the audience laughing?"

“No, no, I just wondered

“What—did Johnny secretly hate me
even though they were laughing? No, he
likes me!"

So one day 1 actually planned this
whole strategy. I'd been waiting for this
moment—I did the show, the audience
was laughing its head off and, as ever,
she said, "What did Johnny think?" And
I sounded very depressed: "1 don't want.
to talk about it. Things are not good.”

“What happened?”

“Well, Johnny came into the dressing
room and said, ‘You'll be the last Jew to
ever appear on my show!"

Whatle“

Now. of course, my mother was furi-
ous: "Don't ever do that show again! If

Isaid, "I'm just kidding."
PLAYBOY: Mother, obviously, was your des-
perate cry for acknowledgment from
her. But those issues had to have been
resolved before you wrote it, correct?
BROOKS: You can't make that movie un-
less you've resolved the issue. Just like in
the movie, it happened in a day for me—
a day preceded by 16 years of trying to
make that day happen. Because it's a
movie, you can't show 16 years of analy-
sis to figure it out. Maybe not everybody
is lucky enough to have one huge mo-
ment. But those moments do exist. All of
a sudden the authority is gone and the
frailty surfaces. Some people go to their
graves hating their parents, which would
be terrible. At some point, my life be-
came too complicated to worry about
any one person's opinion anymore. I no
longer associated my mother's love with
her ability to laugh at my work.
PLAYBOY: So how did your mother react
to Mother?
BROOKS: She saw it a couple of times.
"The first time she saw the movie, she
said, "You know, one or two lines re-
minds me of us." I said, "One or two
lines? You think you operate the phone
correctly?" Then I showed her the mov-
ie again about four weeks later—it was
exactly the same with, like, one extra
sound effect. She was cute. During at
least 14 scenes, she'd say, “Was that in
the first version? Honey, that's wonder-
ful! I didn't see that before.”

“Yes, Mother, it's the same movie."

"Really?"

PLAYBOY: Before Debbie Reynolds got the
role of Mother, you considered hiring
Nancy Reagan. Did you actually meet
with her?

BROOKS: Three or four times, on her pa-
When I went to see her, she said she
just loved the script, which blew me
away. I worked very hard with her on a
couple of scenes that I asked her to com-
mit to memory—one where we were on
the telephone and the one in the market.
It was fun. Everyone thought I had of-
fered the part to her, but we never got
that far. She was so flattered that I was
even there and she would have loved to
act, but she just didn't feel she could
leave her husband to do that. Plus, if
anything had happened to him, it would
have stopped the
movie. She said, “I
know уоште going to
get someone else and
it's going to kill me.”
PLAYBOY: Was Ronald
there? |
BROOKS: I saw him
walking around.
PLAYBOY: You met the
Reagans at a Wash-
ington dinner party
during the making of
Broadcast News. We

— -

Using

"You're a funny man, Brooks!” That's all
he said. Then I tried to phone him after
Annie Hall to tcll him it was brilliant, but
he wouldn't take my call. A couple of
years ago, I heard from him. He wanted
me to play Harry in Deconstructing Harry.
PLAYBOY: You're kidding.

BROOKS: He'd gone through a few peo-
ple before my name came up and he
wrote me a nice letter. He said, “If you
like the script, please come to New
York.” But I just felt the script was too
much in his own distinct voice and
rhythm. It was, you know, Woody Allen.
I wrote back that it was insane that he
didn't do it himself, which he ultimately
did. I would certainly love to work for
him, but not as him.

is believin

filmmaker—whom we'd never seen—
denying all this junk. It was sad.
PLAYBOY: Real Life was rclcascd in 1979
and now, 20 years later, your sixth film is
finished. What takes you so long?
BROOKS: Well, there would have been
more if I could have gotten the financing
easier. Out of those 20 years, a good
eight were spent raising the money! I
knew that as soon as 1 put the words
The End on a script, I would have to ро
through all these minefields that 1 hate
more than the world. Even for this mov-
ie. The Muse was written right after Moth-
er—which means it could have been fin-
ished and released more than a year ago.
Paramount passed on it, so it took lon-
ger. It's hard to go through the humil-
iation of 20 people
saying no before опе
person says yes.
PLAYBOY: How humili-
ating has it gotten?
BROOKS: Los! in Amer-
ica was maybe the
worst—I went for two
years trying to raise
the money. I wouldn't
wish that on anybody.
Ninety-nine percent
of these potential in-
vestors just want to

Try Solo for a full month. Absolutely free.

heard that you told meet people in show

him a famous “old
man" joke that night.
BROOKS: Yes. He had
had his prostate sur-
gery a month earlier
and I was sort of
asked to cheer up the
old guy. I don't know
that many jokes, but

The cordless SOLO? radar and laser detector is
a revolutionary new design — and the perfect
choice for people who often travel. Here's why.
EASY TO USE, EASY TO CARRY
Unlike ordinary detectors that plug into the
car's lighter, ultra-compact SOLO operates on
two АА batteries. So there's no messy power cord
to tangle in your bag, and no disappointments

ESCORT PERFORMANCE

Like all Escort detectors, new SOLO provides
long range warning on all radar bands and laser,
while its patented Digital Signal Processing (DSP)
minimizes irritating false alarms.

TAKE A TEST DRIVE

New SOLO is the most advanced cordless

detector in the world. Try SOLO in your car for

business. You go out
to dinner with them
and you pick up
the check. You meet
with these big fat
guys from Texas and
they're listening to
your idea—“So then
they go to Vegas and

I told him one about
an 80-year-old Jewish
man who goes to a
doctor. Since Reagan
was in his 70s, 1 made
the guy much, much
older—like 95. In the
joke, the old guy says,
“Something's wrong
with me, doctor—I
don't know what it
is.” The doctor says,
“OK, I'm going to need a stool sample, а.
urine sample and a semen sample.”

And the old guy says, “Here, take my
underwear.”

He laughed.
PLAYBOY: Did he relate to it?
BROOKS: I never got that far. I didn't fol-
low it up with, "You know what I mean,
don’t you?”
PLAYBOY: Since you're often considered a
West Cozst Woody Allen, we were won-
dering if you've crossed paths lately?
Last we heard, you both appeared on
the same Merv Griffin show 25 years
ago—and that was it
BROOKS: Well, that was almost it. We both
did Merv's show in Las Vegas, after
which Woody came up to me and said,

Also Available

оток Escort me

from malfunctioning rental-car lighter sockets.

Ifyou prefer a corded
detector. our full-featured
PASSPORT 6800 is an
incredible

PLAYBOY: Has the arc of Woody’s career
taught you anything?

BROOKS: Yes—to stay out of your daugh-
ter's room. I think Woody Allen's a ge-
nius. Certainly, when starting out, I used
his name in more studio meetings than
anybody—‘It’s like what Woody Allen
does." Of course, I stopped that after his
ninth film in a row didn't make any mon-
ey. But 1 feel one of the secrets to loving
Woody Allen is to not know too much
about him. He kept the press away тоге
than anyone who had ever lived. After
seeing his movies, I would drive home
‘ing, “Was that really him?" It was
tle game. But once the details of
his life were dumped on us, the game
was over. Suddenly, we saw this brilliant

30 days with a money-back gua

antee. Call today. | she loses the mon-
ey——" And one of
the Texas guys inter-
rupts: “Yeeeahh, um,
Alill-buht, do you
know any hookers?" I
learned, by the way,
to start out every
meeting by saying,
"Hello, I don't know
any hookers. Now let
me pitch this story."
PLAYBOY: Your films have had completely
original comic premises. Can we explore
the inspirations for each? For instance,
Real Life has been echoed by The Truman.
Show and Ed ТУ, but you got there first.
BROOKS: Echoed? Jon Bon Jovi's end ti-
tle song for Ed TV was called Real Life. 1
mean, come on! When Monica Johrison
heard that, she called me in tears. But I
suppose it's actually a good thing—may-
be it reminded people. Real Life didn't
make any moncy, but at least The Truman
Show got some Oscar nominations out of
the subject. The important thing is that
Real Life still holds up.

Obviously, I was glued to the set dur-
ing the 12-hour PBS documentary An
American Family, about the Louds. But

SOLO $199”
Optional Power Cord $29

PLAYBOY

what really inspired Real Life was the
Margaret Mead quote that crawls before
the movie: "It is, I believe, as new and as
significant as the invention of drama or
the novel... a new way in which people
can learn to look at life, by seeing the re-
al life of others interpreted by the cam-
era." When I read that, I thought, Wow!
So I more or less played myself—come-
dian Albert Brooks—bringing cameras
into the home of Charles Grodin and
family and ruining their lives.

PLAYBOY: Modern Romance?

BROOKS: 1 lived that relationship with a
real woman. Thank God I got out of it,
because there was something missing. A
Modern. Romance relationship is all about
being physical, not mental. A man in
his 20s doesn't drive around a woman's.
house 400 times and act like a fool just to
have a conversation with her. We all do it.
to have sperm come out of our dicks. It's
hormones and the dawning of your sex-
uality. We're too young to know that sex-
uality should be connected to the rest of
you. That takes life experience to under-
stand. It's very hard for a young person
to integrate sexuality with the rest of
his being.

PLAYBOY: Before the movie was released,
didn’t Columbia want you to insert a
scene in which your character consults a
shrink?

BROOKS: Yes, that came after a test
screening in San Francisco—probably
not the best city in the world to test a film.
about heterosexual love problems. The
head of the studio, Frank Price, called
me into his office—and it was as if 1 had
killed his child. He chased me around
his desk reading all these test cards to
me. They were all about my character:
“He's got a Porsche and a good-looking
girl—what's his problem?"

I told him, “I don't know his problem.
I'm not being facetious. І really don't
know! I can demonstrate the behavi
but I can't explain

^Well, add a psychiatrist scene. Ex-
plain it that way."

“But I don't know how to explain it”

Of course, I understand it now. But I
couldn't have made that movie if I had
understood it at the time.

PLAYBOY: How about Lost in America?
BROOKS: І always loved the idea of mak-
ing a lifelong decision and finding out
four days later that it was wrong. You
know, burning your bridges and then
having to eat shit. Here is this successful
married couple who sell their house, buy
a Winnebago, hit the road, lose every-
thing in a week and realize they've made
a mistake. So the concept was all about
backing up and eating shit. We all do it
in little ways. I wanted to see it big.
PLAYBOY: Defending Your Life?

BROOKS: 1 got so tired of those heaven
movies with clouds and angels and spir-
its that come back and whisper in your
ear. I never believed in it. I wanted to

64 present another idea about dying, so I

just racked my brains till I came up with
something. I thought, What if coming
back is not a good thing? What if death is
like college? Your goal in college is not to
get bad grades and then go back to do
your sophomore year all over again. You
want to leave the college, to move ahead.
So if earth were a college, you'd leave it
and maybe go to some other place where
people aren't fighting and calling each
other names and burning down build-
ings. I still think this could be real.
PLAYBOY: And The Muse?

BROOKS: The idea of something that in-
spires and helps creativity has always in-
trigued me. What is a muse? A muse is
anything. Fifteen years ago, I had an
idea about someone who follows a muse
entity around the world in order to keep
creating. That was an early version of
this. If 1 make 11 more movies, or three
more movies, I'd probably say that the
ideas are already in my mind and have
been. But maybe now that I havea child,
that will inspire something in me. I hope
so. I want new experiences.

PLAYBOY: In The Muse you pay hilarious
homage to the importance of your old
friend Steven Spielberg. Not to give any-
thing away about the movie, but there’s
a scene in his Amblin company head-
quarters——

BROOKS: Actually, Spielberg wouldn't al-
low that. We couldn't even say Amblin
He wouldn't hear of it. He said it's never
been shown and will not be shown now.
So I created the Spielberg Building,
which is probably funnier. 1 hope he
laughs at it. We did know each other.
when we were both just starting. We
used to drive around Los Angeles caves-
dropping on conversations over a CB ra-
dio. He's got home movies up the kazoo
of me doing shtick for him. I remem-
ber the weekend Jaus opened, we drove
around New York with [New York Times
film critic] Janet Maslin and, I think,
Marty Scorsese, filming these six-block-
long lines of people waiting to see the
movie. I swear to God, it was like the be-
ginning of the new world! No one had
seen this kind of thing since Martin and
Lewis played the Paramount Theater.
We all looked at each other and went,
“Oh my God!”

PLAYBOY: Movicgoing would never be the
same. Did that affect you?

BROOKS: Star Wars officially changed ev-
erything. That was the moment the
world changed, and it snuck up on me. 1
thought things were going the other way
during the Seventies—Easy Rider, idea
pictures. Meanwhile, George Lucas was
secretly making this movie. When I saw
Star Wars, a part of me died—because 1
didn’t do that. And I knew that I never
would do that.

PLAYBOY: You had a peculiar relationship
with Stanley Kubrick. How did his death
hit you?

BROOKS: I cried. I swear to God. Just for
a minute. He was the kind of guy you

never thought would die, because you
never thought he was alive anyway.
PLAYBOY: You never actually laid eyes on
the man, did you?

BROOKS: That's right! Therefore, why
should he go? But he was truly the great-
est filmmaker who ever lived. The big-
gest thrill I probably ever had in the film
business was when he called me after
seeing Modern Romance. He was so com-
plimentary and said, “This is the movie
Гус always wanted to make!” I'm anx-
ious to see Eyes Wide Shut, because, from
what I understand, it’s Kubrick's jeal-
ousy movie.

PLAYBOY: But for a period there, you
were talking with Kubrick regularly.
BROOKS: We started to correspond and
carry on these conversations. 1 probably
gota little too friendly. When The Shining
came out, I saw Scatman Crothers on a
talk show saying how many takes Ku-
brick made him do: "I had to walk into.
the Overlook Hotel 5500 times!" So I
couldn't wait for my weekly call to Stan-
ley—1 thought I'd make him laugh with
my Scatman imitation. He came on the
phone and I started doing Scatman: “I
had to walk into the Overlook fiffffty-
fi ” I never got any further. This man
Never use him! Don't ever work
with him! He never knew his lines!” He
started telling me secrets 1 didn't want to
know: “I was in the editing room for 150
hours!" I said, “No, no, 1 just wanted to
do the imitation——" It was one of the
last conversations we ever had.

But he was so private. He would reach
out for a minute, then close the door
again. Years later, he called me about an
idea he had for a comedy and asked
what I thought of Steve Martin. And I
was like: What—are you crazy? 1 mean,
I'd give my right ball to work with you!
Do I really have to recommend Steve
Martin? What do I think? He's wonder-
ful—go use him!

PLAYBOY: You've been doing a lot of
smaller roles in other people’s films. Is
that fun?

BROOKS: I enjoy it. In the next 20 years,
I'd like the acting part of my life to get
bigger. I'm telling you, it's hard to make
these movies, whereas the acting is so
much easier on my psyche. I've never
been happy doing the business part of
show business. I have to do it—you can't.
direct a movie without doing it. But it
makes my stomach hurt. I’m now at an
age where I'm growing into a certain
kind of part. | tell my agents to look at
the roles Gene Hackman's up for and
think of me.

PLAYBOY: You actually had a singing role
in Jim Brooks’ ГИ Do Anything—which
was shot as a musical but released with-
out any music. Can you now sing some
of what we missed?

BROOKS: 1 sing great on the page, by the
way. Imagine Steve Lawrence here. I
had two songs—remember, 1 played a
desperate Hollywood producer. The

i
|
| I LIGHTS W

ТИЛИ” сой j athod =
7 aging: nl. per cigarette by er

EON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
es Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnanty.

PLAYBOY

first one is called There Is Lonely, which 1
sang after a terrible test screening. It
goes," There is lonely then there is
looonely." It was a funny idea—after get-
ting bad scores, this guy was singing a
death song. I sang the other one before
a different preview at a big theater. I
danced through the line of people wait-
ing to get in, singing— Lll do anything
to make you lik IIl do anything to.
make you smile.
PLAYBOY: The music was written by
Prince—before he was Formerly Known
As. Was he watching you?

BROOKS: He was there one day. I re-
member my joke. There were 17 peo-
ple around him and he was sitting a lit-
Че higher than everyone else. He wore
these long pink robes. Jim said, "Albert,
do you know Prince?" And I asked,
“Which one is he?"

PLAYBOY: By the way, why haven't we
зееп a home video package of the short
films you made for the first season of Sat-
urday Night Live?

BROOKS: 1 own them all, but part of те
feels I'm too young to do a retrospective.
It scares me a little bit. I mean, those
were the first films I ever made. Actually,
a year earlier, 1 did Albert Brooks! Famous
School for Comedians—which ma
been the world's first infomerci
PBS’ Great American Dream Machine an-
thology. That was the first time I had
ever taken a camera in hand and tried to
puta film together. But doing the Satur-
day Night Live shorts—six of them over
a short time—was like enrolling in the
most amazing filmmaking course.
PLAYBOY: Which happened because you
turned down the offer to be the perma-
nent host of SNL?

BROOKS: | was too wiped out as a per-
former to put myself through that live
stress. I didn't even consider moving to
New York. 'They came back to me three
times, and finally—to chicken out, actu-
ally—I said, “You shouldn't have a per-
manent host, anyway. Every show has
one host—you should get a different
host every week.”

PLAYBOY: So you were the guy who start-
ed it all.

BROOKS: | really was. But because they
didn't have anyone, talentwise, attached
to the show yet, they still wanted to get
me on board. So I suggested the short
films. I served a purpose for SNL and
even did their first publicity. Back in
May 1975, before the show debuted in
October, before any of the cast were
hired, Lorne Michaels and I did the
press junket at Universal Studios. Writ-
ers were asking, “So, Albert, what's this
show going to be?” And I said, “I have
no idea. Lorne?” And he wasn't sure ei-
ther. Nobody knew.

PLAYBOY: Somehow your relationship
with the show ended badly. Where did
things go wrong?

BROOKS: Once the show took off and the

66 Not Ready for Prime Time Players had

started to become famous, having me
out on the other coast was . . . I really
wasn't needed anymore. I wasn't part of
their group. And because I had contrac-
tual demands about when and how the
films would run, I just became a pain in
the neck. I was resented. Why should
they have to give up eight minutes to
someone who wasn't even there? It all
came down to the fifth film, in which 1
performed open-heart surgery—it was
14 minutes long and Lorne was upset. It
only aired because my friend Rob Reiner
was hosting and said, "I went to school
with Albert. ГП take his film." Lorne
didn't want the problem anymore. The
relationship was symbiotic while it last-
ed—it helped me, it helped them. I
learned my craft and got out.

PLAYBOY: But there's no denying that
your feelings were hurt.

BROOKS: My feelings were hurt. I felt bad
for a couple of reasons: I had been work-
ing pretty damn hard. I may not have
been doing a live television show, but I
was taking my respoi ies seriously
and getting the job done. That first year,
everyone under the sun except me got
an Emmy for the show—I wasn't even
mentioned. Maybe I hadn't worked one
tenth as hard as the people in New York,
but I was still in at ground zero and my
spirit was there always. Somebody from
NBC with their 4800 Emmys could have
thanked me. They could haye thrown
one through my television set. That was
not a happy moment.

PLAYBOY: Let's explore your evolution in
comedy, beginning with how you be-
came a stand-up. It was hardly your
dream, was it?

BROOKS: No young person wanted to be
a comedian in the late Sixties. A comedi-
an was a fat man with a cigar in a lounge.
1 wanted to be an actor. 1 left college at
19 and came back to Los Angeles and
couldn't get work. One day, in front
of my friends, I picked up this ventrilo-
quist doll and did the world's worst ven-
triloquist's act—which became Danny
and Dave, my first real bit. Everyone
laughed—and they urged me to become
a comedian. Because as an actor at 19 I
was one of a thousand. But as a comedi-
an at 19 I was one of maybe two.

My William Morris agent told me,
"Look, we can't promise we can get you
any acting parts right now, but you could
get on television tomorrow. Just go and
be funny and then all the acting parts
will come, 1 promise.” Of course, the act-
ing parts didn't come. All that came was
more stand-up comedy. And so I head-
ed into a career that I really didn't want.
to have.

The very first shot was a local show in
Los Angeles called Keene at Noon, which
immediately led to three shots on Steve
Allen's syndicated Westinghouse show.

From there I was offered my first net-
work appearance, on Dean Martin's
show, where I did Danny and Dave.
‘They asked me to do six episodes of his
summer show, so I had to come up with
six new bits. I just stood in front of my
mirror at home, then tried them all out
on network television.

PLAYBOY: You couldn't hone your materi-
al in clubs?

BROOKS: There were no clubs! I didn't
play for a live audience, clubwise or con-
certwise, until after Га been on televi-
sion for three or four years

PLAYBOY: But those were your fearless
years. As per legend, you were capable
of making phone calls at the moment Ed
Sullivan introduced you.

BROOKS: I did that, yes. I stood in the
wings, talking to a friend—"Are we gon-
na be meeting people for dinner later?”
And 1 heard Ed say, “And now, right
here on our stage. . .” My friend said,
“Hang up! You're on!" I was way beyond
fearless. Unnaturally so—and discon-
nected. I didn't have any emotions about
the work.

PLAYBOY: You started opening for a lot of
concert acts around that time. Any lin-
gering nightmares?

BROOKS: 1 had a lot of unpleasant ex-
periences. I opened for everyone from
Neil Diamond to Richie Havens—but
maybe the scariest was Sly and the Fami-
ly Stone. We're talking 1971. I don’t
think I'm telling tales out of school to say
that Sly had a drug problem back then.
When уоште doing a pound a day, you
could call it that, right? He used a coke
spoon to open the package and then he
used a shovel!

So this was in Tacoma, Washington
and there were like 12,000 people in the
audience. Im looking out there and I
realize that nobody's wearing shoes.
They're all barefoot and they're tak-
ing sleeping pills and reds—remember
reds? I think any pharmacist will tell
you: Reds and comedy, it’s not a good
mix. So | was worried. Then, just before
the show, Sly's manager knocks on my
door and asks, “How long is your act?”

And I said, “Well, normally I do like
30 minutes, but I'm a little concerned
here. Maybe I should do 20 minutes?”

And he said, “What is the longest you
can do?"

“Why?”

He said, “Sly is in Ohio.”

Apparently, it wasn't that Sly missed
the plane. He was at the airport—he was
just trying to put luggage into his nose.
So I got out there while Sly was some-
where over the Midwest. Somebody
threw a beer bottle and hit my leg and
I'm starting to bleed and Im thinking, 1
don't like thi this is not the best pro-
fession . this is not so much fun.
PLAYBOY: You finally found fear as a per-
former. How did you know that you had
to stop performing?

BROOKS: When I made my first record,

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

СТОЕВ ART
1

t Gur
Y "o

PT Package Tampering E ,

PLAYBOY

Comedy Minus One, in 1973, I went on the
road as a headliner, playing all these
clubs. I was getting farther and farther
away from acting. And I was unhappy
about it. But I wasn't smart enough at
the time to know or admit it. Also, doing
two and three shows a night was serious-
ly stressing me out. Finally, it was the af-
ternoon before I opened at a Boston
club called Paul's Mall and—I'll never
forget this—I did a radio interview. Out
of the blue, the disc jockey said to me,
“You know, Albert, Jonathan Winters
lost his mind. Do you think that's going
to happen to you?" I said, "I think it’s
happening right now."

So that night at Paul's Mall, the sing-
er Leo Sayer vas opening for me. He
had released an album with a picture of
himself in a clown suit on the cover. To
show its support, his record company
had loaded up the house with people in
clown suits. It was a Fellini movie! And as
I was walking to Ше stage—literally be-
tween one step and the next—my brain
exploded. It was as if all that fear I had
never experienced, all the things I nev-
er wanted to deal with—everything just
tapped me on the shoulder and went,
“Here Гат!"

PLAYBOY: How did you perform?
BROOKS: I didn't get to the stage. I col-
lapsed without falling down. I went
blank and had a real panic attack. For all
those years of performing, I should have
been a little nervous and wasn't. So now
it was overload—all the circuits broke! I
didn't perform right then. I went across
the street to the hotel and I remember
the bouncer followed me over. He said,
"IIl make you а deal—you don't have to
finish the week, but I have a full house in
there пом. Please, if you could just do
this show.”

Т went back and got onstage and it was
the most painful hour Гуе ever endured
in my life. I was conscious of every word
I was saying. I was outside looking in
and narrating my own existence. The
scariest thing in life is not so much the
thing that's happening to you—it's that
you don't understand what's happening.
So I stopped doing stand-up after that
night. I went home, and started seeing a
shrink to figure out my life and try to
understand what happened.

PLAYBOY: Do you understand now?

BROOKS: I think it had everything to do
with my childhood and the fact that my
father was very sick. I knew he was going
to die. I learned as a very young person
to close off, to not be hurt. Unfortunate-
ly, when уоште ten years old, you can't
ance yourself from one thing without
distancing yourself from everything. 1
was just emotionally disconnected. And
that night in Boston, I plugged in. I re-
connected. То this day, 1 have remnants
of it. Even though I wrote Defending Your
Life, which was about overcoming all

68 fear, I probably still make decisions

based on fears I never felt the first time
around. But I'm not a machine. And I
never could have become a decent writer
without reconnecting.

PLAYBOY: But you became kind of reclu-
sive. We never see you on talk shows un-
less you have a new film to promote.
BROOKS: Well, I'm more natural now.
I'm the way I should be—not a wreck
but conscious that I'm going to perform.
1 remember that it was a big deal getting
back on The Tonight Shaw right after the
Boston experience. 1 had been sort of
quiet for a while. So all the fear I never
had was 50 times as much. I had to learn
at that age how to process these emo-
tions. But The Tonight Show, back then,
was everything. 1 had done a lot of tele-
vision before my first Johnny Carson
show in 1972, but nothing more impor-
tant. That made my life, I was doing that
show like every six weeks for three years.
PLAYBOY: Making Johnny Carson laugh
was the greatest approbation in comedy,
wasn't it?

BROOKS: God, when he laughed, you felt
you were in some sort of secret club! I
once caused him to get up and go grab
the curtain to catch his breath—which 1
think happened only two or three times
in 35 years. He was laughing so hard, ће
had to walk over there to collect himself.
PLAYBOY: You and Carson shared an idol
in Jack Benny. Tell us about the historic
night you and Benny appeared on The.
Tonight Show.

BROOKS: It was certainly historic for me.
I came out late in the show as a Euro-
pean animal trainer, Alberto, and his ele-
phant Bimbo. Except the elephant had
been lost on a train in Chicago and the
only animal I could get was a frog. | said,
“1 will do my famous act and you'll just
have to use your imagination.” So I put
this frog through all these elephant
wicks and, to reward him, ГА give him
88 peanuts and bury him. The last trick
I called “Find the Nut, Boy!" I said, “Pm
going to blindfold the elephant and I'm
going to hide a peanut and the elephant
will find it!” And I took this blindfold
and I draped it over the frog. So this
пије black handkerchief just hopped
around onstage and people went real-
ly crazy.

Anyway, I came back to the panel just
before the end of the show, when John-
ny would wrap up by saying where his
guests would be appearing. During the
last break, Jack Benny leaned across me
and told Johnny, “When we come back,
ask me where I’m going to be, will you?"
So they came back and the piano was tin-
kling and Johnny said, “OK, Jack, where
are you going to be?" And Jack Benny
said, “Never mind about me—this is the
funniest kid I've ever seen!" And that
was one of those profound moments in
life when you learn that generosity is a
good thing. He made like a god and it
was mind-blowing.

PLAYBOY: You saw Jack Benny just before
he died.

BROOKS: Harry Shearer and I went to his
office on a Monday and he died on
“Thursday. He had stomach cancer, but
we didn't know he was that far gone. We
had been working on my album A Star Is
Bought, on which every cut was a difier-
ent genre of radio. The idea was to have
airplay on every conceivable kind of ra-
dio station.

One was an old-time radio show and
we wanted Jack Benny to be in it. Be-
tween Harry and me, there were no two
people our age on the plane
ized a person more. So I said,
ny, we're doing this album and we're
re-creating this old radio

I never got any further. He said, "Ra-
dio! That's all they remember me for!
I've done everything! I've done movies!
Гуе done television!"

We're thinking, Oh my Сой... oh по,
please don't be like this. I said, "Mr. Ben-
ny, I only know you from television! I
just know you did radio. Believe me, I
know you did everything."

1 swear to God, I walked out of there
thinking, What's the point? How do you.
win at this game? If Jack Benny feels like
this four days before he checks out, how
do you vin? If anybody Бад the right to
be calm and peaceful with his career, it
was Jack Benny. But he must have got-
ten a dose of it in his last couple years
when he was starting to fade out, and
he felt it. And the truth is, people under
30 today don't even know Jack Benny.
Or Bogart. Every day I'm more hugely
aware of just how unimportant everyone
is. In a way, it’s almost comforting. When
you take your life too seriously, you
should know that it doesn't matter. It's
just a matter of time before everyone is
swept under the carpet.

PLAYBOY: Even you? Is there a way you'd
like to be remembered?

BROOKS: To be honest with you, I've nev-
er, ever, thought of that. And I'm glad I
haven't. I guess I would let the work
speak for itself. I guess I'm doing it right
now: I'm preparing my memory. That's
as much as I can do. 50 if somebody а
hundred years from now sees a video-
tape of Lost in America and goes, "Jesus
Christ, look what this guy was doing
then that’s all I could ever ask for.
PLAYBOY: Poetically enough, we've no-
ticed you've taken possession of Bob
Hope's theme song, Thanks for the Memo-
ries, for talk show appearances.

BROOKS: That's right, and I still will. He's
not using it now. By the way, 1 hope Bob
Hope is at peace with what he's accom-
plished. I hope he's not walking around
the golf course saying, "I used to enter-
tain troops." I hope he's happy. But Im
taking his theme song. I love it. I don't
want to let it die—it's too good. Besides,
no one has said anything.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY?

He's a man who likes a threesome but loves a foursome. For its blend of scenery, sport and com-
pany, nothing beats golf. No surprise, then, that more than 1.5 million PLAYBOY men played golf
during the past year. That's more than readers of Men's Health, GQ, Esquire, Rolling Stone or Golf
World. PLAYBOY men spent $87 million last year on golf equipment, which beats the read-
ers of GQ and Esquire combined. PLAYBOY—we have the drive. (Source: Fall 1998 MRI.)

eat

even after all these Years
they couldn'i keep away
from each other.

fiction BY JOYCE CAROL

`n the throes of the most destructive love affair of:
her life, with the composer (Gregor Wadicki in

the summer of 1975, Adriana Kaplan frequently

wanted to die, washing down prescription Ben-

zedrines with vodka in some desolate beautiful place (che
Catskills, possibly), yet Adriana was never so distraught as
to wish to be dead in any permanent way.

She was too restless, inquisitive, traublesome a young

woman for deadness. She especially wouldn't have wanted

her lover's wife to outlive her-
She wouldn't have wanted her lover to outlivi e ic by. even
a 5 hours, Е

In those days happiness was only subtly distinguishable

from misery, yet Adriana would: not have wished her life
otherwise. Running breathless to meet Gregor in the pine-

woods down beyond the old, rotting stables ‘of the Rooke In-
stitute, where they were young, brilliant and neurotic to:
gether, 40 minutes. north of Manhattan on the east bank

of the Hudson River. Im the dense pinewoods where on
achingly bright summer days the shade was too dark.

Splotched.sunlight and shadow: neurological anxiety. So in
dreams of subsequent; years and even decades Adriana
would see the unnaturally straight, tall trees as more like
telephone poles than trees, or like the bars of a labyrinthine
cage: Few branches on their lower trunks and thick, pun-

gent-smelling; needled: boughs: overhead: Why am I here,
what am Гдота risking so much, ат I cra2y* were not ques- |

tions she could retain as Gregor came loping toward her
with his expression of rapt, dazed desire: How likea young
wolf he seemed to her, greeting her by digging his strong

FABRIC АВТ BY DIARE BARR

| у
N

PLAYBOY

pianist's thumbs and fingers into her
rib cage and lifting her above him as if
Adriana, 27 years old and not a small-
boned woman, was one of his children
with whom he played rough (she'd wit-
nessed this, from a distance) though
with Adriana it was deadly serious, no
play in it. Gregor would pant greedily,
“You came. You came. as if, each
time, he'd frankly doubted she would
come to him. Eagerly Adriana em-
braced the man, a man she scarcely
knew, her arms gripping his head, her
heated face buried in his thick, often
matted and oily hair, in a delirium of
desire that allowed her, as with a pow-
erful anesthetic, not to think of how
her lover doubted her love for him,
and how she doubted his for her. Yet
they couldn't keep away from each oth-
er. And when they were alone together,
they couldn't keep their hands off each
other. Adriana loved even
the rank animal smell of the
man's body, her sweat-slick
breasts and belly flattened
beneath him, and her arms
and legs clutching him as
a drowning woman might
clutch another person to
save her life. Don't don't don't
don't leave me. DON'T LEAVE ME.
As if bolts of electric current
ran through both their bod-
ies and would release them
from each other only when
it ceased.

After their secret meetings
Adriana went away alone,
back to her initially unsus-
pecting husband. She was
bruised, dazed, triumphant.
She was covered in sweat, and shiver-
ing. This was love, she told herself. Yet
also it was sickness. J love you, Gregor, I
would die with you that's why Im so happy.

Rarely that long deranged summer
did they find themselves in a car to-
gether, in the Wodickis' battered sta-
tion wagon filled with family trash and
smelling still, as Gregor complained, of
diapers, though his youngest kid was
three and by this time the stink should
have faded. This was risky, driving any-
where in the vicinity of the Institute.
There was no reason for Gregor Wo-
dicki and Adriana Kaplan to be alone
together except the obvious. They're
screwing each other? Those two? The aver-
age IQ of any resident of the Rooke In-
stitute for Independent Study in the
Arts and Humanities was perhaps 160;
it would have required an IQ only of
80 to figure that one out. So there was
the risk, and Gregor's rushed, reckless
driving. In a fine misty rain, he hit a
slick patch of pavement on a country
road and the station wagon skidded

and his arm leapt out reflexively to
protect Adriana from lurching forward
into the windshield —"Watch out, Mat-
üe!"—in his alarm mistaking her for
one of his daughters. He didn't seem to
realize his mistake, nor did Adriana
choose to notice, for they were laugh-
ing together, relieved, thank God they
hadn't crashed. "We can't be togeth-
ег in an accident,” Adriana said, more
tragically than she'd intended, and
Gregor said, “Not unless it's fatal for
both. Then, who cares?” He grinned,
baring his imperfect, stained teeth.
The left canine was particularly long
and distinctive.

Afterward Adriana deconstructed
this incident. It was a good sign, she be-
lieved. He loves me as he loves his daugh-
ter. Im not just one of the women he's fucked
in his lifetime, mixed together like family
junk in a drawer

Though he had love affairs, some se-
cret and some not, so it was said of
Gregor Wodicki by friends and detrac-
tors both that he was a family man de-
spite being a frequent drunk, a user of
speed, an unreliable citizen, a prim-
itive-cerebral composer descended
from Schoenberg and a general son
of a bitch. A family man who adored
his kids and may have feared his wife,
whose name, Pegreen, filled Adriana
with mirth and anxiety—“Pegreen? No,
really?” Gregor Wodicki was 32 years
old in the summer of 1975. The father
of five children of whom the three el-
dest were his wife’s from a previous
marriage. He was one of the defiant,
unapologetic poor. He borrowed mon-
ey with no intention of repaying. He
bargained with the director of the In-
stitute for an increase in his stipend
though he was already the youngest of
the senior fellows in the music school.
He was hot-headed, difficult, conniv-
ing even among a community of tem-
peramental artists and scholars. It was
said admiringly, grudgingly, that his-
music was brilliant but inaccessible.

It was said that he'd been getting by
on his "genius" since adolescence. The
Institute director, Edith Pryce, disap-
proved of his behavior but "had faith"
in him. He went for days even in the
humidity of midsummer in upstate
New York without showering, laughing
at the notion he might offend some-
one's sensitive nostrils. It was said that
Gregor and Pegreen smelled identical
if you got close enough. And the kids,
too. If you visited their house (as Adri-
ana never did, though she and her hus-
band were invited tobig, brawling par-
ties there several times that summer),
you'd be shocked at the disorder, yes,
and the smells; particularly scandalous
was a downstairs "guest" bathroom
where towels hung grimy and perpetu-
ally damp and the toilet, sink and tub
badly needed scouring. There were
dogs in the Wodicki houschold, too, a
rented, ramshackle shin-
gleboard house at the edge
of the Institute grounds. 4
family man who nonetheless
quarreled publicly with his
wife, and exchanged blows
with her to the astonishment
of witnesses—slaps rather
than full-fledged blows,
but still. Sometimes in the
late evening as summer
crescendoed with nocturnal
insects, lovesick Adriana
drifted by the Wodicki
house, taking care to keep
far enough away from the
lighted windows not to be
seen by anyone inside. A
mere glimpse of Gregor
through an opened win-
dow, even if his figure were blurred,
was reward enough for her, and simul-
taneously a punishment. Aren't you
ashamed, how can you bear yourself? She
was struck by the very shape of the
Wodickis' sprawling house, like an
ocean vessel, every window blazing
light and casting distorted rectangles
out into the night.

You could walk up onto that porch, you
could knock on that door if you wanted. You
could open that door and walk inside if
you wanted.

But Adriana never did.

A family man, though he confided
frankly to Adriana, in a lumpy bed in
the Bide-a-Wee Motel outside Yonkers,
that his children were a burden upon
his soul. The three older kids he tried
to love but couldn't; even his own kids,
the three-year-old especially, he found
himself staring at in astonishment and
disbelief—"Did 1 really cause that kid
to come into the world? This world?
Why? Yet he’s beautiful. He breaks
my heart.” A knife turned in Adria-
na’s heart, hearing this. She wanted

(continued on page 142)

ык wu

"Hey, mister—wanna be part of an urban myth?”

AGTIGN

< aturally, we're as addicted
قا‎ | to Tomb Raider as anyone,
Е у | and were eager to get to

know this real-life incarnation
ofthe game's heroine, Lara Croft.
Meet British model Nell Mc-
Andrew, who has been Croft’s
stand-in at trade shows and fan
gatherings. Nell and Lara share
a taste for action, champagne
and hot chocolate. But at home
with Mum and Dad, Nell han-
kers after a “proper Sunday beef

roast with Yorkshire pudding."

We suppose you can take the

3 girl out of Yorkshire, but you

can't—oh, never mind.

You'll see Lara holding а copy of her game only іп the
pages of PLAYBOY (previous spread). In Tomb Raider Ш
she can't drop her weapons for a moment—a pack of
ravenous hyenas might gain on her. Nell is one of the

people who can make even a helmet look fetching.

Nell's next "levels" after
in Lara for game
fons around the world: to
continue boxing and lift-
ing weights, audition for
film roles and train for o
parachute jump. We'd be
happy to join her airborne
outfit. Just like Lara,

Nell presses her own
action button.

By Ian Watson

WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO WORK

FOR CINEMA'S RENEGADE ICON?

IMAGINE A MINDFLICK IN FOUR DIMENSIONS

My Adventures with Stanley Kubrick

arly in 1990, in my cottage in a little
English village 60 miles north of Lon-
don, the phone rang. The man on the
phone, Tony Frewin, introduced him-
self as Stanley Kubrick's assistant and
said that Stanley wished to talk to me.
Why me? It transpired that Tony had
phoned various science fiction book
dealers to ask who they rated as a
writer with lots of bright ideas. Ku-
brick, I was to discover, had a project
for a science fiction movie to be called
AI (for Artificial Intelligence). Thi
spiration was a brief story by Вгий
author Brian Aldiss, first published in
a special issue of Harper's Bazaar in
1969, shortly after I saw 2001: А Space
Odyssey in a cramped Tokyo cinema,
much envying the sheer spaciousness
of Kubrick's vision of the future.

A few hours later a courier arrived
and handed over a package containing
nine sheets of flimsy fax paper bear-
ing the text of Super-Toys Last All Sum-
mer Long, faded as if retrieved from
an ancient file. The story proved to be
set in an overpopulated future society
where, to control breeding, pregnancy
is allowed only if you win a permit in
the weekly lottery run by the Ministry
of Population. For several years child-
less Monica has been yearning to win
permission. As a stopgap child-sub-
stitute she has a synthetic toddler, Da-
vid, together with a robot teddy bear.
Pathetic, puzzled David frets about
whether he is real and whether Mum-
my loves him, while the simplemind-
ed interactive teddy bear helps out
with lamebrain advice.

A few days later I turned off one
of the main roads out of St. Albans,
20 miles north of London, into a pri-
vate parkland harboring a dainty mini-
village of homes originally built for
estate workers by the former owner
of the spread, millionaire racehorse
owner Jim Joel. Stanley had bought
the manor house of between 50 and
100 rooms—estimates varied—and
the immediate grounds. I headed
along a half-mile lane through pad-
docks and pastures till I reached a

modest security gate. Pushing the but-
ton of an intercom, I identified myself
and the low gate duly unlocked and
swung open, Past masking shrubbery
I drove around a corner to a lodge-
house, the bailiwick of Tony Frewin,
who proved to be a droll, friend-
ly chap.

My memory of that first meeting
with Stanley fades into untold oth-
er meetings, but the impression that
abides (since his appearance never
changed) is of a quizzical, scruffy fig-
ure, bespectacled eyelids hooded, re-
ceding hair and beard untidy, dressed
in baggy trousers, a jacket with lots of
pockets and pens and tatty old jogging
shoes—and with a quirky, amiable dry
humor and an intensity of focus that
could flick disconcertingly from one
topic to another far removed.

I never mastered the topography of
even part of the ground floor of the
mammoth house; but its labyrinths in-
cluded a mini movie theater where
Stanley could study the latest screen
releases, a sepulchral computer room
where two cats who never saw the light
of day glided like wraiths, a subtitle
control room (as I thought of it), a bil-
liard room minus billiard table devot-
ed now to books and armchairs where
Stanley and I were to sit brainstorm-
ing for hours—with occasional excur-
sions to twin toilets along a gloomy
corridor—and the much cheerier
huge kitchen, where I was to share the
first of many lunches with Stanley,

That first lunch was Chinese take-
out ferried in by Stanley’s Italian
chauffeur, Emilio d’Alessandro, who
was to become my guide to Stanley's
quirks and my sanity prop on sever-
al occasions, (Tony would wise me up
to certain house rules designed to
preserve Stanley’s happiness, such as
never mentioning A Clockwork Orange
unless Stanley himself raised the sub-
ject.) At this meeting Stanley skated
briefly over some of my stories he had
read. Since I hadn't seen Full Metal
Jacket, he gave me a videotape. Also,
а copy of Carlo Collodi’s Pinocchio,

ILLUSTRATION BY OAVIO LEVINE

iS
е
GB
а 2
PS
+=
с
ç
/
А 2
==
A
= o
A Z
ES= —

ШШ "m

about the puppet who yearns to be
a real boy but who gets into such
naughty scrapes, and a book about ar-
tificial intelligence by Hans Moravec,
Mind Children. Тће movie was to be a
picaresque robot version of Pinocchio,
spinning off from the Aldiss story, but
the plotline had bogged down—global
warming was flooding New York and
an Ке age had set in a thousand years
ahead. Stanley wanted me to write an
original 12,000-word story, doing what-
ever I liked with the Aldiss tale and the
main ideas to date. For this I would be

paid $20,000.
Three weeks later I mailed the re-
sult, and Stanley

Kubrick, onthe summoned me
set of Dr. Strange- again. My story
love (1964), was of no use for

Š the project, but
Mod Jock Nich- Stanley did like
olson in The Sn. the way 1 had
ing (1980), Sue ^ gone about writ-
Lyon as Lolita ing it. Would 1
(1962), Spartacus work with him

(1960) with Kirk en story develop-
ment on a week-

Douglas, Slim by-week basis?
Pickens riding Warner Bros.
to glory in Dr. would telephone
Strangelove, the io make me ап

tarchild in 2001: offer:
ро Warner Bros.

. phoned the next
(1968), Malcolm ^ morning, but in-
McDowell in А stead of propos-
Clockwork Or- ing a fee as I ex-

ange (1971), Кик peed ва азкед
iow much I want-
Douglas under БАНА ЕН)

fire in Paths of ЖОР mee AWE
Glory (1957), ће don't know how
Vietnam war epic to rate you. Are
Full Metal Jacket you low? Are you
(1987)—and this high? Are you in

р the middle?"
summer's film, “ГИ have to
Eyes Wide Shut, ^ think that over,”
with Nicole Kid- 1 said. In view
man and Tom of the $20,000 I

had received for
my story, I said 1
would need to consider how much 1
might earn if I spent one week writing
a story of my own and sold it. Then
there might be future reprint and
translation income, none of which, ob-
viously, could materialize in the case of
something written for Stanley's eyes
only. An hour later Warner Bros.
phoned back: Stanley had ordered
them to offer me $3000 a week right
away because he wanted me to start as
soon as possible. The bonus carrot, if
all went well, would be $100,000.

For eight months, from May 1990 till
January 1991, 1 was Stanley Kubrick’s
mind slave, writing scenes in the morn-
ing to fax around noon for lengthy dis-

Cruise.

cussion by phone in the evening. Some-
times I was collected by Emilio to arrive
in time for lunch and an afternoon of
mental gymnastics with Stanley. When
my presence was announced, a hos-
pitable crackle might come over the
shortwave radio: “Bucket of beer for
Ian!" Since the manor house was so
large, communications with Stanley
were often by radio. I sat nattering
with Tony for almost an hour one day.
when Stanley walked in and glared.
“You're supposed to tell me when lan
gets here." “Your radio isn't switched
on, Stanley. . .."

Stanley would lead me to the kitchen
to fix lunch. Or, in his case, breakfast
After over 20 years' residence in Brit-
ain, Stanley still slept on American time
except when the exigencies of making
a movie interfered with his preferred
schedule, and he liked the same menu
each and every day until it palled on
him. After a few wecks of Chinese take-
out served from foil containers came
the era of the vegetarian cooks, until he
realized they couldn't cook very well
and were not personally vegetarian. Af-
ter that, big salmon steaks poached in
milk by Stanley in the microwave oven,
a skill of which he was proud.

While we ate, the television in the
kitchen was invariably tuned to CNN, а
background and stimulus to conversa-
tion. Large floral arrangements deco-
rated the light, airy, long room, subjects
for the paintings of his wife, Christiane,
some of which hung there and in the
adjoining salon. These images were tru-
ly beautiful, quite comparable to Bon-
nards in their vivacity, color sense and
luminosity. When Christiane dropped
by one lunchtime, the matter of A Clock-
work Orange did crop up. One reason
the Kubricks had moved to Britain was
that Britain seemed a lot safer than
New York. (Nevertheless, while a local
policeman was paying a visit to the
manor house one day, Stanley tried to
find out how fast an armed response
unit could turn up if necessary.) Fol-
lowing the British release in 1971 of A
Clockwork Orange, with its ultraviolence,
some copycat incidents ensued, perpe-
trated by hooligans dressed as droogs,
resulting in much to-do in the press.
An exhibition of Christiane's work to
raise money for charity went ahead on
condition that reporters focused only
on art and charity and asked nothing
about the movie. Of course, a report-
er did ask, and seized on the only
comment she would make to come up
with the headline My MAN 15 NOT A BEAST.
SAYS CLOCKWORK ORANGE SPOUSE. Stanley
banned further showings of the movie
and any sale of videos in Britain forev-
er after. Forewarned, I refrained from
mentioning that pirated Dutch-subtided

(continued on page 90)

"Those Greenpeace types ате all alike.
One minute they're all over you and the next they dump you
for some beached whale."

а aw ә ә
2 e ә 4
2
bu dean kuipers 7 ә Фо ә ә
Ко, f E ги | ©,
| со "m
THE ШЕЗ нее MORE Music SITES, FREE MPS
пошті ое о ANO SANDS THAN THE WORLD
Р,
REH ENGINE THAT
CUTS THROUGH THE CLUTTER
This is the scenario the labels hate: First you install а free and o2bmusic.com have noticed increased traffic on `
МРЗ (MPEG 1 Loyer 3, if you really want to knaw) ripper, weekdays around noon—the typical сограйме lunch 29 3
encoder and player. Then you pop the new Jamiroquai CD, breok. The web is the ultimate back catalog. Old jazz. *
Synkronized, into your CD-ROM player, copy a tune to 78S, military marching bands and everything else ще?
eur herd ure and e- melt it fo you fend in the пех! — giving-one-hit-wenders-a-run fer their money—

cubicle. She uses a CDR uni to burn it onto a CD. Or she As downloads increosed, the Recording ¥

shoots it through a shart cable into a Diamond Multimedia Industry Associatian of America began to get the

Ria РМРЗОО (we call it the pimp 300) and walks an down ‚copyright jitters and—haping to stop listening

the hall. The Walkman-like Rio PMP300 lets her play up ta options for illegal MP3 files—sued Diamond

60 minutes’ worth of downloads in а portable machine the Multimedia. The RIAA lost. Technology companies

size of а deck of cards. She can also get free song files feverishly began developing watermark or encoding

from anyone, anonymously, in the space of abaut 30 / technologies, such as IBM's shadowy Madison

minutes. Illegal? Perhaps. But what if you mode her a tape, Project, designed fo prevent unauthorized copying.

ог loaned her the CD for а week until she was sick of it? "I don't see the sky falling. Copyright's not going

Users are swapping Songs and even whole CDs by the away,” says Danny Goldberg, former Mercury

thousands, for free. The МРЗ format squeezes modem р Records chairmen,

clogging files to one tenth their original size. MP3 makes | label, Artemis. "Musi

transfers over the Net faster and cheaper than widely used Sure of it tends fo create business, not detract

formats can. Like the versus Beta video battle of the from business.”

early Eighties, however, the public didn't choose the best Video never fook business away from theaters.

format from the handful available. It chose the easiest to Instead, it expanded the entire industry fourfold.

use. MP3 is this yeor's cassette tape: The technalogy is Likewise, downloadable music is generating more

easy to dub and there's no way to protect copyright. After interest in artists who people will buy legally.
——— some initial Luc ig industry realized MP3 i "What's the pricing model today for MP3?" asks

only the latest stage ii evolution toward the file ft г. "Free. №5 pretty hard to come back from free,

Artist Direct and the Ultimate Band List. "We've seen sounding codex than MP3. eas. w > МЕРИ
Quicktime, AIFF files, ReolAudio, a2b, Liquid Audio, MP3 B get a handle on how ti money f
ond MSAudio 4.0 all in the space of three years. Fuck the downloading, the market will truly = up.
formats. The industry is simply, not serving the 16-year-old Consumers con get stuck in the morass of portals,
consumer who would use hem fan sites, quasi labels, free music-trading sites, vid-
Ог, more accurately, the office worker with access fa a T1 ео and radio broadcasts and superstores trying 10
line (new 56Kbps home setups cre maddeningly slow when attract your precious screen-time. We've sorted
it cames fo downloading). MP3 is important anly because it through the clutter and organized the finest sites by
Ë: is random category. It’s easy to see why the Net is the
the most papular music-related site al 3 best alternative to the stole ploylists of radio and MTV
ably, though, a version of Beethoven's ond the hear taday, gone tomorrow inventory of most
not some college-band anthem—was at оће point the most record stores. But first you want your МРЗ. Popular
populor download from the site (see sidebar), Mp3.com MP3 sites include:
NV MP3.com (mp3.com): Come here for yaur ripper,
6 fo Q encoder and player—you have the aption of buying
> © qu de > software or opting for less-techie shareware.
e Goodnoise (goodnoise.com): Recently the head af
Goodnoise announced he was changing the name ta

nino hhh)

ғ г د‎ ә
> ә әәә ә
< Emusic.com to better reflect the broad
ronge of Net surfers. stotion with excellent Und diverse DJs.
MP3 web (mp3web.com): The best NPR.org: We like Jazz Set With Byonford

place 10 follow links to seorch for Morsalis.” =

WFMU.org: А New YorieCity-area college

popular MP3 sites. KCRW.org: This NPR от хз» harder
on "Morning Becomes Eclectic.”
soumo KNAClive.com: A site for mefalheads still
STREAM hanging and banging.
In cyberspace no one Word.com: Tune it fo the "junk radio”

can hear you program.
Stream— luma.com: You'll like the mix better than
unless you ‘any particular tune.
hove 011 Spinner.com: A jukebox-style rodio station and R&B releases.
that operates the way a commerciolly Thesource.com: Fierce competitor of
Blaze, The Source's websile kicks oss.

technology to be ЕМ
quality. An editor at a big
online music retailer says,
"The only reason to have
streaming technology is to
listen to WFMU. Even with
OTI it still sounds like

3 |
line ог
better. oriented FM station should.

good sampler of smort bands.
Thebox.com: The online orm of TV station
The Box. Provides mostly low-fi video
samples.

Contactlive.com: Sure, the bands are
obscure, but you choose whole videos, not
just 20-second teasers.

(т == ыш ыр = ет тј а E
The Net is a worthwhile research tool for
tour dates and band gossip. Just dont
believe everything you reod.
Ultimate Band List (ubl.com): This
invaluable searcher will link you up to hot
sites and cold ones for ony band that's
won more than ten fans. The smarter
music nuts post verses from lyric sheets;
others trust their fallible ears, with amusing
results.
Lyrics.com: Want to make sure you heard
Hendrix right before you sing “Scuse me
while | kiss this guy” in the carpool? This:

Even Ѕопіспеї.сот: The site's radio stotionisa a Waste a few minutes scratching away оп

the Radio Network's turntable icon
MTV.com: Handles rap better than most
rap-label sites.

CMJmusic.com: A cyber version of the
excellent college music publication.

E-STREET MALL

How аге corporate investors going to
make money on the web? By selling you
something ether it's a CD you burn
yourself or have Fed Exed. That's why most
web magazines and music sites ore
increasingly involved in e-commerce.
CDNow.com and Amozon.com: And then
there were two. Online music retailer
MusicBlvd.com recently merged with
CDNow.com as a preemptive strike against
the unstoppable Amazon.com. The fact
thot the book monster made its Godzilla-
like entry into the CD home delivery biz
hasn't necessarily reduced your choices. А
recent merger moy create о third

it's underwater. But site has official juggernaut, since

that's OK—no one in lyrics when Universal and BMG
New York can get it available. have teamed up to
їп any better." If the Allmusic.com: This bypass troditional
T1 puts you under- Page includes distributors ond form a
water, you'll drown with record reviews from new store called
regular phone lines. Broad- back in the day as getmusic.com. These
band is the only streaming solution well as cross- sites have everything
and is now ovoilable in a limited referenced lists of you hear on fhe radio
number of urban markets. more than 26,000 thot's still in print. The
I you can tolerate the degrodation in artists, producers search functions of both
sound and have access to о T1, log on io and players. CDNow.com and
broadcast. ly AudioNe!) to find Clossical.net: Your Amazon.com are fine,
ali the stati real.com and ticket to finding front-row links to. and they offer discographies, magazine-
download free RealAudio 5.0 or buy the classical sites. like content, bios and links for miles. For

Jazzonline.com: It hos the artist
interviews, archives and reviews you'd

example, Amazon has 13 different Coptain

hot RealSystem G2 version for 20 Бис!
Beefheart CDs, including imports of the

Then gel ready fo dial in.

expect to find, but the most useful feature
for beginners is the Jazz Starter КИ.
Addictedtonoise.com: Now linked with
sonicnet.com, Addicted to Noise is the
mother of music news sites.
Rollingstone.com: A late and small entry,
but one that shows lots of promise.
Jamtv.com: A top provider of webcosts.
You'll ke it more for the interviews.
Bloze:tom: The new hip-hop site affiliated

| бмт Blaze magazine will help you sort

thiugh the blizzard of new hip-hop, rap

obscure Zig Zag Wanderer and Strictly
Personal. It also sells more Пап 50
authorized U2 releases,

Tunes.com: Running an enthusiastic third
in the retail race is this much-lauded site. It
‘serves as the backbone and selling agent
for such linkmates as Down Beat, and it's
good for finding albums.

Gemm. com: A DJ-delirious friend at a
music magazine found a vinyl single of
Krattwerk's Tour de France here.
Dustygroove.com: Based in Chicago, this

collectibles powerhouse features а
changing selectian of weirdo ond rare LPS
ond CDs. Best site far Brazilian music.
Houseofoldies.com: Like all-vinyl.com und
brovenewvinyl.com, this specialty site—the
online presence of the stare on New York's
Carmine Street —will search its bins for
your апипе requests.
Forcedexposure.com: The place for

Small- label rarities. One click revealed new
releases by Martyn Bates of Eyeless in
Gozo, electronic dude David Berhmon,
Brion Eno collobaratar Roedelius, plus Pap
Той remixes by Pizzicato Five and Digital
Hardcore. Also, the discs аге ot the usual
(not inficted) prices.

Othermusic.com: Similarly ultrahip, new
York's Other Music 0150 hos rore CDs and
vinyl. However, prepore to shell out about
double the going rote ($150 for Chrome's
six-LP boxed set).

Customdisc.com: This past Christmas it
seemed like everyone wos giving custam
CDs as presents. The only drawback here is
that the range of songs is limited—music
companies still prefer not fo license singles
of their big-time artists when they сап get
you fo buy the whole CD for $15. (Com-
pilations also drive the resurgent ktel.com
Site, which formed с partnership with
Playboy.com. Yahoo colled K-Tel Express
last year’s "best Боз! from the post.)
Cductive.com: Electronic bands, DJs and
‚small labels that accept the new woys of
the Net have made CDuctive one of the
mast exciting sites on the web.

Bane) SITES |

Want to know why your browser grinds |
to a half every afternoon at four o'clock?
The kids ore home from school and/lagging
on to morilynmanson.net ta see if/fhere оге
any new shats of his thingy. We got araund
the prablem with some midnight surfing

and picked the top sites out of hundreds.
Marilynmanson.net: Marilyn trects the site
05 his new and possibly last incarnation,
calling it his “omega.”
Sonymusic.com/artists/PeariJam/rumor:
pit/rumorpit.html: Reporters from Allstor
online music magazine log on to Pearl
Jam's official site before going to the

band's publicist, because news
breoks here first.
Korn.com: Before departing for
their Family Values tour,

offered а weekly webca:
featured the band

acoustic.

| Online sales of music in 1998

$1.53 BILLION

con get e-mail here ond

the web.

Hyperreal.org: A great part о!
Bowie's site is ils link ta
Hyperreal. Here you can find
archived 46- to 90-minute DJ
sels, including о 1989 hause set
by the excellent Stan Simmans of
Columbus, Ohio.

Phish.com: Lots of folks have
pledged their allegiance fo the
Phish site, but it seems to be good
only for sorting out ticket prablems
far their peripatetic fans.
Execpc.com/—billp61/boblink:
The валувоу award for the most
obsessive, abscuro-to-enormo links
list goes to Bill Pogel for his Bob
Links site, an exhaustive treatment
of the works, life ond legocy of Bab
Dylan. It shouldn't be a surprise that
old Bob hos the biggest footprint on.
the web—there's just more
Obsessive interest in him than in
‘anyone else. (The other big sites?
Milesdavis.com and stones.com.)
There's shit in here that even Bob
doesn't know.

Grandroyal.com: Get hipped to
toste. This is the Beastie Boys’
Copitol-backed Grand Royal label,
whase raster includes Sean Lennon,
the superb Buffalo Daughter,
Luscious Jackson, the

band Bis, Money Mark, Ben

original funksters Liquid Liquid ond
the шеш white-boy wanders
themselves?

DJ Aphrodite: One af the UK's best
drum-and-bass DJs runs a greot label
ond site at www.urbantakeover.co.uk/
Hos MTV interview clips and shots of
nude women

Maninblack.net: Johnny Cashis a big
man with а big career; another artist
with wham you can wander the
electronic halls far days, We like the
virtual museum.

G-brooks.com: Link central for Garth
Brooks, the humon juggernaut and
selling machine.

1800newfunk.com: Get Prince's
Crystal Ball CD. It's a sharp package
and a collectible release.

Projected online music sales in
the year 2002

$33 MILLION

Sales at Amazon.com during its
second full quarter of
offering music

lumber of times Beethoven's

Moonlight sonata performed by

Richard Morris was downloaded
p3.com in one month

| Percentage of users of mp3.com who
| have college e-mail addresses

150,000

Number of times new Tom Petty
tune was downloaded in two days

| Percentage of music listeners who
had heard of mpi in 1998

PLAYBOY

Stanley Kubrick

(continued from page 84)
videos were reportedly on regular sale
in London outside the Camden Town
Tube station.

Even ordinary conversations with
Stanley were disconcerting, since he
would suddenly shift topics as if he had
forgotten or lost interest in what was of.
consuming interest a moment earlier.
When we were discussing the story line
itself, these veerings became almost
three-dimensional—we weren't just
into lateral thinking; this was Escher
mind-space. One moment: What if our
teddy bear has a kangaroo pouch to
keep things in? Next moment: So, will
the Laborites introduce currency con-
trols when they gain power? After a few
minutes of politics; How about a café
where other robots hang out? Eventu-
ally 1 decided that Stanley’s intention,
whether deliberate or purely instinc-
tive, was to maintain mental intensity
hour after hour, never mind how ex-
hausting this might prove—a way of
sustaining and heightening my perfor-
mance and his own too, perhaps. If as
а consequence your brain turned into
scrambled eggs, as did mine on a few
occasions, Stanley would seem genu-
inely surprised. What he wanted he did
not really know, and it was up to me as
soothsayer and dream interpreter to
guess—though he could be remorse-
lessly logical in finding loopholes in
proposed scenes, hairline cracks that
could rapidly widen into uncrossable
chasms.

Story conferences were akin to build-
ing a precarious house of cards, often
doomed to collapse toward the end of
the afternoon when I was hoping to
make my departure with my pages of
scribbled notes. True, this was only be-
cause he wanted the best, and more
and more of it, and believed that plug-
ging away relentlessly at something of
which he had an instinct would even-
tually bear fruit. Was it 58 times that
Stanley reshot Jack Nicholson crossing
a street in The Shining in the hope, as
he told me, that something interesting
would happen? I had made it clear
from the start that I would work only
weekdays, leading to sallies about trade
unions and productivity agreements.
Once, when a plot mishap escalated
into a catastrophe, Stanley eyed me
gravely. “There’s a lot of money in this
for you, Ian,” he said—referring to the
pie-in-the-sky bonus.

Even when the story line had not
crashed, converting my notes into
scenes the next morning could be
problematic. Sometimes, while perfect-
ly accurate, they consisted of lines such
as “She says, Blah blah, so he says,
*Blah-blah,'" because neither Stanley

nor I had the foggiest notion what the
characters could say under the circum-
stances, though we knew they had to
say something.

То maintain pathos, dialogue be-
tween robots needed to be particularly
literal-minded and simple. The movie
might be about machine intelligence,
but there were no fast-track cybernetic
intellects outthinking the human race.
1 must watch Peter Sellers as the ге-
tarded, childlike gardener in Being
There.

Heigh-ho: “You are beautiful. I have
a clean dick." (“That's more like it,”
Stanley told me over the phone.) “You
are a goddess. May I sit in your car?”
(“Stop writing dialogue! Just describe
it!“) (No, write it all in dialogue!") I
was beginning to feel like a deranged
robot myself, a roboscribe, with contra-
dictory programs running. Would I go
the way of HAL, losing control of my
language and my mind?

Sometimes what I faxed to Stanley
pleased him. "You're on a roll, Ian.
Carry on. God bless you." This was af-
ter I introduced a male sex-robot to
accompany David and Teddy around
on their travels and travails. By them-
selves the artificial boy and robobear
were fairly naive and incompetent.
“What we need,” Stanley had informed
me, “is some G.I. Joe character to help.
them out.” “Howabouta gigolo robot,”
I had suggested, and wrote scenes.
Stanley's response: “I guess we lost the
kiddie market—but what the hell.”

On other occasions he would chastise
me over the phone. "It's like you're
writing a B movie for a moron" was
one of his pithier castigations. After a
run of scenes he had savaged, he called
and conceded, "It happens to read well
today." "Maybe it isn't an accident that
it reads well," I suggested. "I know
you're trying to befuddle me," came
the reply. Ah, he had seen through me!
As he said when 1 attempted to defend
a scene, "The trouble with you writers
is you think your words are immortal."

Irrespective of writers, Stanley was
in his unique way much preoccupied
with the welfare of dumb animals. I
might have deemed it a raw deal for
the computer-room cats never to уеп-
ture into the garden, but Stanley wor-
ried that the golden retrievers would
tear them to pieces. A third cat lived
permanently upstairs at a climate-con-
trolled temperature of 80 degrees Fahr-
enheit or so, and each day Emilio duti-
fully cut a trayful of fresh grass from
the garden for it to roll in; then he
would vacuum up the grass. They all
drank Evian water. Emilio told me that
arguments had raged in the past about
Stanley's using the Spode china as food
bowls. “You do not use the Spode, Stanley!”
“But I only want the best for the ani-

mals,” Stanley had protested.

When Stanley became convinced the
birds on the manor house grounds
were starving, he took to throwing
whole loaves of bread out the windows.
Before long the birds were becoming
so stout that they could hardly take
off. Inevitably one of the obese starlings
fell down a chimney. The fireplace in
question had been boarded up. Behind
the board the bird fluttered frantical-
ly. Soon a mishap was heading toward
an expensive catastrophe as Stanley
phoned anima! welfare and rescue or-
ganizations in Britain and America.

“Look,” said Emilio, “all I need is a
saw and a clear plastic bag. I cut
through the board, I hold the bag over
the hole, the bird sees daylight and
jumps into the bag.” “I don't know,”
said Stanley, “you might harm it.”
“But,” Emilio exclaimed, “it will die of
exhaustion while you phone all these
organizations!” Despite deep reserva-
tions, Stanley allowed Emilio to pro-
ceed. Rapidly, the bird was in the bag,
which Emilio held aloft. “Now, Stanley,
do you want to phone Harley Street for
a bird psychiatrist?" "Well," began Stan-
ley, “maybe we ought to- Hastily
Emilio took the bag to the nearest win-
dow, and the bird flapped down to the
lawn to gorge on more loaves.

When you were valuable to Stanley,
it was difficult to escape. One day Emi-
lio vas driving me down the M1 motor-
way in the black Mercedes en route to
the manor house. “Ian,” he said, “Stan-
ley phoned me on Sunday afternoon,
even though he promised I could have
Sunday afternoon to myself. I need
some string, Emilio,’ he told me. Stan-
ley likes to tie things up with string. Ah,
but Ian,” Emilio continued, “I know
about these things by now. So I said,
"Stanley, where are you?’ ‘I’m in the
computer room.” АШ right, Stanley, do
you see the wall with the shelves? On
the middle shelf in the middle there is
a ball of string.’ ‘I can see it!’ "Wait! Go
directly to the shelf, and come back
here with the string, and tell me you
have it” "But Ian," Emilio said tri-
umphandy, “I have string in every
room for situations such as this. And I
have extra balls of string hidden in each
room as well!”

So there were ways of coping.

“This particular Mercedes was not the
original one, with the sunroof. During
the filming of The Shining, Stanley's fa-
vorite food for several weeks on end
had been Big Macs. Finishing one of
these in the car while Emilio was chauf-
feuring him, Stanley crumpled up the
rubbish, spied the open sunroof and
threw the wrappings out. The wind
promptly tossed them back in, all over

(continued on page 158)

“This is a boomtown, cowboy. Y'wanna go boom, it'll cost
ya a coupla bucks!”

Па SEE а TER
“Caste everything”
ж? — A 4 AC

` was papa ^ creeo)

ОЕ

lo be 2 man
of bra 20070)

By Craig лей.

is rule had
always been
simple," wrote
biographer
Carlos Baker:
“То study what
interested him
and to have a damned good time doing
it.” Ernest Hemingway lived up to his
legend. He wrote daring books. He
tracked danger, whether it meant re-
porting in the thick of war or big-game
hunting in Africa. There was some-
thing primal about him, yet he was so
humane and genuine that he was com-
fortable anywhere, as at home in Ida-
ho or the south of France as he was in

Right: Hemingway
wrote everywhere,
from Michigan to
Montparnasse, and
this leather laptop.
desk from Hammach-
er Schlemmer would
have served him well
(5160). Atop itis a
first edition (1952) of
The Old Man and the
Sea from Asprey and
Garrard (52400) and
a limited edition Writ-
ers Series Hemingway
fountain pen by
Montblanc that is sell-
ing at pen auctions
for $1250.

Madrid or Venice. The lairs in which
he lived and wrote became shrines:
the Left Bank apartment in Paris, the
homes in Key West and Cuba. Because
he thrust himself with such fervor and
brio into his writing, it's bard for us to
separate his life from bis work. We
forget which fishing trips were his and
which were Nick Adams' in Big Тио-
Hearted River, which fights were his
and which were Harry Morgan's in To
Have and Have Not and which affair
was his and which was Frederic Hen-
ry’s in A Farewell to Arms. His loyalties
were as outsize as the man; his sacra-
ments as particular. He wrote about
the grand things in life but loved life's

smaller essentials: a papa doble at El
Floridita in Havana, the right fly оп
the right line, the typewriter he toted
from capital to capital, the Montgom-
ery martinis at Harry’s Bar in Venice,
the Pilar—his beloved fishing boat—
rigged for marlin off Key West. In
honor of the centenary of Papa’s birth
we've collected some emblems of his
life and literature. A namesake foun-
tain pen, safari jacket, cigar and even
a line of new furniture are hallmarks
of his immortality. He devoured life
and left us with a legend and a body of
work that helped define our times. It's
no surprise that the man has come
back into style as his century ends.

Below left: Hemingway cov-
ered World War Il for Col-
lier's magozine from D day
to the Battle of the Bulge,
and received the Bronze Star.
Legend has it he entered
Paris with а bond of irregu-
lars ahead of Allied farces to
liberate the Ritz Hotel. The
party lasted for a week.
Above left: Fuente's Heming-
way Masterpiece, a nine-inch
smoke that's as rare as a
Hemingway first editian
(about $200 far a boak-
shaped bax of ten). Above:
Willis and Geiger, а now-de-
funct outfitter, produced this
Hemingway safari jacket,
which was inspired by ane
Popa wore. Look for it in re-
sale shops. Above right:
Hemingway trout fishing in
Sun Valley, Idaho, 1939
Right: Ernie at the window of
Le Grand Hotel des iles Bor-
romées in Stresa an Lake
Maggiore in Italy.

НА
ШИ

Left: Hammacher Schlemmer's leather safari bag
(5645) captures the spirit of Hemingway, as does the
ре\Мег and leather flask from Beretta (585). Below:
Hemingway shot this lion on the Serengeti Plain in
1934. Right: Thomasville Furniture's Ernest Hemingway
Collection includes this Serengeti side stand with four
drop shelves (about $670). It holds some of Papa's fa-
vorite liquors—including the ingredients for a Mont-
gomery martini (named for the general who, so the
story gaes, liked 15 ta 1 odds before going into battle)

5
2
=
=

2 = 22227

“Wow! You thought of everything!"

riginally, The Man Show was sup-

posed to boost ABC's short list of

bright, hip shows, joining Bill
Maher's Politically Incorrect. Unfortunately,
the executives at the Disney-oumed network
were appalled by the pilot—scantily clad
women bouncing on trampolines, endless
fart jokes—as well as by the gross and ob-
scene language and visuals. ABC passed.

Comedy Central loved what it saw and
promptly brought The Man Show to its
Wednesday night lineup, following South
Park. Jimmy Kimmel, already a Com-
edy Central veteran by way of Win
Ben Stein’s Money, hooked up
with his longtime friend Adam
Carolla, co-star of MTV's Love-
line, to host this celebration of all
things male.

Robert Crane talked with Kimmel
and Carolla on the Ben Stein set in Los
Angeles. Crane reports: "After Kimmel had
taped three shows, he and Carolla settled in-
to Kimmel’s dressing room. The atmosphere
was fraternity-like, interrupted occasionally
by adults. Ben Stein popped in to announce
that ‘Jimmy Kimmel is the funniest white
male alive,’ and an assistant informed Ca-
rolla that he would have to move his illegal-
ly parked BMW"

PLAYBOY: Which groups would be un-
likely to find any redeeming qualities
in your show?

JIMMY: Women in suits of any kind.
ADAM: Groups that use acronyms. Fe-
male, male, all of those acronym
groups are going to be pissed. We're
not intentionally setting out to offend
people, but I think we would both be
disappointed if we didn't. We'd feel as
if we weren't doing ош We've been
successful in offending pretty much ev-
eryone throughout both our careers. I
don't see why this will be any different.
PLAYBOY: You claim that estrogen is
one of the most poisonous substances
known to man. Can you name others?
Jimmy: Mountain Dew.

ADAM: Anything by Bijan.

nov: Can you think of any women
who deserve to be on a pedestal?
JIMMY: Any woman you see in this mag-
azine. The truth is, lots of women de-

serve to be put ona pedestal. The prob-

THE
MAN

adam carolla and
jimmy kimmel want to
establish themselves as
the anti-oprahs. their
show is funny, sophomoric

and offensive to women.

what's not to

love?

lem is, notevery woman deserves to put
be on a pedestal. We're not antiwoman,
it's just that television promotes the
idea that men are stupid and don't wear
the pants. But men aren't stupid. For the
most part, men run things. Men, for
the most part, invent things. Men, for the
most part, are the best cooks. It's pho-
ny to pretend that men are stupid, but
TV shows kind of ram that down your.
throat. I don't know why it's been ac-
cepted for so long. Maybe it's because
of all the Tim Allens of the world—he's
a bumbling idiot and the wife is the one
who runs the show.

ADAM: As males, we've been ashamed of
our success for too long. The guys built
the studio, they built the bleachers,
they built the camera, they built the
stage, they run the studio. They do ev-
erything involved with the TV show,
and then the guy who plays the star on
the sitcom is a buffoon. It's ridiculous,
and we want to right that wrong.
jimmy; If something like this were at-
tributed to a race or religion—for ex-

ILLUSTRATION BY MATTHEW STRAUSS

ample, if all Mexicans on TV were stu-

pid—people would be outraged

PLAYBOY: What should the male re-

sponse be when a woman cries?

ADAM: Have they had sex yet? If they

haven't, he should nurture her.

JIMMY: Otherwise, get the hell out of

the house.

rLAXBOY: What are some fun things to

say to women?

JIMMY: 1 can't really think of any fun

things to say to a woman. You know,

you start saying fun things and she

starts saying stuff back, and then
she wants to know what you're
thinking and it really gets out
of hand.

ADAM: I think what Jimmy's say-
ing is, there's nothing wrong with
a conversation on occasion, but
once you set that precedent, then
you're having them all the time. It’s
no longer just during long drives.
You're watching ТУ and you're having
а conversation.

Jimmy: Here are some fun things to
say to women: "Let's turn on the TV."
“Your ass is blocking the set.” "I can't,
I'm watching TV.”
PLAYBOY: If you're in a relationship,
what should you say to continue the
relationship?
JIMMY: I don't know that women even
want you to say anything; they just
want to make sure that you're listen-
ing to what they have to say. I mean,
every time I say something, she gets
pissed off.
ADAM: That's true. My girlfriend says to
me four days a week, "You're not lis-
tening. What did 1 just say?" I've never
said to a woman, “Repeat what I just
said." Never. 1 don't think guys ever
say that.
Jimmy: Yeah, guys don't care that
much, except if it’s about the car ог
something. "Take it and get the oil
changed." Then you want to make sure
they understand. For me, a relation-
ship is almost like a phone call that
you're trying to end. You say, "Yeah,
uh-huh, all right, all right, OK, I don't
know, we'll see."

Ultimately, men just want to be left
alone. Of (continued on page 128)

сет [ER WR ES (=

wisconsin's miss august wants to rock your world

EBECCA SCOTT has the greatest laugh. It's a deep, rumbling guffaw that
she generously serves up during most conversations—even when she's
| explaining, in all seriousness, that she's going to become a rock star.
Amps, guitars, the whole nine yards. Just you wait. Listening to her, you
begin to think it’s not such a far-fetched notion that this Anna Nicole Smith
look-alike in a black motorcycle jacket may someday headline Madison Square
Garden. “I want to go onstage wearing leather pants, a little leather top and
leather boots, with explosions and crazy lights behind me,” she tells us with infec-
tious conviction. “J want to rock!”
Q: Name the first rock group that made you say, “I have to do that!”
A: Acrosmith. When I was 16 years old, I saw them in concert at Alpine Valley in
Wisconsin. I snuck up to the first row and snapped a bunch of pictures. It was
wild. Melissa Etheridge is a big influence, as is Sammy Hagar. I love his music and

Rebecco's ideal evening, part ane: “I'm an-
stage, totally decked aut, ond the lights ~ я 5
оге down. The music fram Bad Company's want to write songs like his. I know that Eighties rock is coming back.
Rack ond Roll Fantasy starts playing, the Q: What inspires your lyrics?

lights come оп ond I stort jamming, shock- A: Personal experience. Some of my songs are about love, and some are just fun
ing the crowd because I'm a woman.” kick-back-and-party songs.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

та. `1

Rebecco's ideal evening, part twa: “I light a
bunch of candles, put on a CD of ocean
saunds and my boyfriend and 1 give each
other massages. That kind af date makes
me feel sexy and feminine and fragile.”

T Ж

healthy. "I'm a raw foodist, which is exactly what it sounds like. | alsa da yaga,
colonics, oxygen baths and healing. | work hard ot detoxifying my body. As a
result, my hair is shinier, my skin is clearer, my vision is better. It's contraver-
sial stuff, but | want to open my awn clinics and help people become clean."

О: Do you have any on-
stage horror stories?
A: | sang at a bar
called Lucky's when I
was 21. I was so bad
that they turned off
the mike. I was on-
stage jamming, but I
was so inexperienced
1 couldn't tell no one
could hear me. I'm
more seasoned now.
Q: Which high sc
clique were you in?

A: [Laughs] My fresh-
man year I tried to be
a burnout because I
thought it would be
cool. I wore concert
T-shirts and tried to
smoke cigarettes in
the girls’ bathroom,
but smoking made me
sick. Junior year I end-
ed my burnout phase
and concentrated on
basketball, baseball
and gymnastics.

Did you have a lot
of boyfriends?

: No. I didn’t date
anyone until I was al-
most 18.

cally?

A: I swear. I was still
playing with Barbie
dolls when my friends
were having sex. I was
like, “Oh, am I sup-
posed to start playing
with guys now?" I was
a late bloomer physi-
cally, too. I was really
skinny with no boobs.
My sophomore year
I went from size A
boobs to size C.

Q: Who was the first
guy you were sexually
attracted to?

Because I'm really
into comic books and
cartoons, when I was
ten I had a huge crush
on He-Man. I watched
Masters of the Universe
and saw a bunch of
muscular guys and
women. That's when I
formed my opinion of
what women should
look like—voluptuous
and healthy. I draw
comic book characters
who look that way too.
Q: How did your cur-
rent boyfriend win
you over?

А: He has a really sexy
singing voice.

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

name: RERZCA Scart
вот: 38 D нат. 2-8 mr: 39
eich; 5/89" нес: IHO
BIRTH рате: L ZIL ZZ. BIRTHPLACE: ILENOS
AMBITIONS: Te PuesuS A сосе. SNANG CARE,
To o DAT HAYES MY OWN Heeg KN TIC’
TURN-ONS: osi D ON 6- «
OF konn arp buru ye5
TURNOFFS:__ Feo HYGIENE , мо SENSE of horat, —
— де Sewck ges /
WORDS TO LIVE BY: 7o 2 THE ENT,

E CAIT THe TE NO THE TONE

15 Bust ove h

MOST FRIGHTENING EXPERIENCE: ne ms T

_ m Leowt of An upa !

I LIKE TO BE SURROUNDED BY: EEs El Ts 2
PEOPLE AND lets ор Love!
SEX BEGINS WITH: Lon Ac "AS ОСА e ||

Hte SCHOOL
Kiss mae? G24 Du A 770 ^2 смок. Giell

1992

PLAYBOY'S PAHTY JOKES

Doc, 1 can't sleep anymore," the man com-
plained. “Гуе tried everything, but I just toss
and turn."

"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said.
“Try putting each part of your body to sleep
separately."

"That night the guy crawled into bed, got
comfortable and started to talk to his body.
"Face, go [0 sleep," ће whispered. "Chest, go to
sleep. Legs, go to sleep.”

Just then his wife walked in wearing a trans-
parent teddy. Her husband opened one eye,
then lifted his head from the pillow. “OK,” he
shouted, “everybody up!”

A beautiful young lady, having just returned
from a magnificent week-long vacation in
South America, walked into her bank and
asked about exchanging currency. After she
plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter,
the teller counted it, made a phone call and
returned with $27.18. The wide-eyed woman

sped. “You mean to tell me that's all 1 get for
that mountain of bills?”

“Yes, I'm afraid so, Miss," replied the teller.
“That's the current rate of exchange."

“Damn,” she muttered. “And I gave that
cheap bastard breakfast, too.”

How do you identify а bald eagle? All his feath-
ers are combed to one side.

Two men were leaving a fitness center after a
workout. As they walked to the parking lot, an
attractive, well-built lady walked toward them
in a white T-shirt with the word GUESS embroi-
dered across her chest. “What do you think,”
one guy asked, “38D?

THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Tom
Thumb, Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo were
talking. “I believe I'm the most beautiful girl in
the world,” Sleeping Beauty remarked.

"And I reckon I'm the smallest person,” Tom
"Thumb said.

*] must be the ugliest person in the world,"
Quasimodo said

The three decided to go to the Guinness
Book of World Records to have their claims
ratified. Sleeping Beauty came out first, look-
ing deliriously happy. “It’s official. I am the
most beautiful girl in the world.”

Tom Thumb emerged ecstatic. “I am official-
ly the smallest person in the world.”

Sometime later Quasimodo walked out look-
ing crestfallen. “Hey, guys,” he asked, "who's
Linda Tripp?”

The insurance executive was in Palm Beach
for business but was enjoying himself so much
he decided to stay another week as a vacation.
He e-mailed his bachelor friend: “Take the
next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my
wife and your mistress.”

“Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at
11:30 лм.” his friend wrote back. “How long
have you known about us?”

Bumper sticker of the month: LIFE 15 CHEAP.
ITS THE ACCESSORIES THAT KILL YOU.

During his visit to America the Pope met with
President Clinton for two long days. Finally, a
weary Clinton emerged to face the news me-
dia. The president announced that the summit
had been a resounding success. He said he and
the Pope had agreed on 80 percent of the mat-
ters they discussed. Then Clinton declared he
was going home to the White House to be with
his famil

A few minutes later the Pope came out to
make his statement. He looked tired, discour-
aged and depressed. He announced that his
meeting with the president had been a failure.

“But, Your Holiness,” one reporter said,
“President Clinton just announced that the
summit Was a great success and that the two of
you agreed on 80 percent of the items.”

“Yes,” the Pope replied sadly, “but we were
talking about the Ten Commandments.”

Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the
gate. After an hour's delay, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight atten-
dant what the problem was.

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard
in the engine,” she explained, "and it took usa
while to find a new pilot.”

Ралувоу cuassic: A woman walked into the
pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The phar-
macist gestured with his index finger and said,
“Come this way.”

“If I could come that way,” she said, “I
wouldn't need a vibrator!"

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

"Excuse me, sir! That's reserved for first class only!”

111

ШШШ

[ШЕШШ

[ШИИ ЇЙ

by john d. spooner
seven insights from a lifetime of investing

@ n the early Sixties I-was being trained on Wall
Street to be a stockbroker. Only Merrill Lynch
had a formal training program in those days; everyone
else seemed to believe in on-the-job training. Boardrooms
were where all the brokers sat surrounded by customers,
many of whom were regulars. The customers spent part
of every day watching the ticker tape parade by on the
wall and trading stocks and stories. Brokerage offices
were like social clubs. Broker and client knew each other.
A stockbroker was often a family counselor and friend.
The clients would come into the boardrooms as they
would a neighborhood bar like Cheers: a place to be
social, a place to keep warm, a place where everybody
knows your name.

Big Arthur was a boardroom regular, a shoe dog by
trade—a salesman of women's shoes. Whenever he wasn't
on the road for his company, he sat in the front row, a
row reserved for customers. And he traded stocks. Every
day that he saw me, he'd say the same thing. “Don't get
old. Whatever you do, don't get old.” Then he'd pat an
empty seat next to him. “Sit with me, kid. What good is
life if you can’t lie to the next generation?” Big Arthur
wore English-cut suits and highly polished shoes. “Dress
British, think Yiddish,” he told me. “Contrast 15
everything in life. I act different than I dress, so it always
surprises people. If you surprise people they usually like
having you around. When my father brought us here
froma little village outside of (continued on page 116)

ILLUSTRATION BY GERALD GUTHRIE

= streibe photography, Fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE

CLOTHES ARE HIS FRIENDS

MATT LEBLANC, KING OF THE BLANK LOOK, BELIEVES IN DOUBLE EXPOSURE

y the time Matt LeBlanc took on the role of
Joey in Friends, he had two important credits
ф 1 on his résumé. One was a stint as a Levi's 501
Ao | model, the other was a part in a Heinz com-

mercial (where he starts pouring the ketchup
> оп a roof and catches the first drop after he
slides down a banister). Simply put, it's a taste
thing. Joey is the quintessential guy friend.
Add a few hundred IQ points—without losing any dates—and most
men would want to be like him. He's a prime-time example of a dude
whose style doesn't get in the way of his guyness—much like the deft
comic actor who brings him to life every week. LeBlanc is into snow-
boarding, mountain bikes and English motorcycles (a taste developed
while filming Lost in Space in London), which gives him a chance to
knock around in J. Crew and active gear from Nike. “I also like Mis-
soni, Gucci and Armani,” he says. “I'm not a clotheshorse, but after
five years of photo shoots you see stuff that catches your eye.” He fa-
vors sophisticated black-on-black combinations at night. It's a Prada-
influenced style that's perfect for regular guys who have extraordi-
nary disposable income. Most important, it's a lot easier to pull off
than his rubber Space suit.

Keeping Friends at the top of the ratings involves
more than showing up at the set every day. The
promotional touring and peripatetic life of a movie
actor for half the year requires major hotel time.
“You can sit in your hotel room or go downstairs to
the boutiques and spend a little money,” says
LeBlanc. The striped sweater by Missoni ($855, top
right on the opposite page) is an example of the
influence the Friends wardrobe staff had on
LeBlanc. At night, you'll find him in techno fabrics.
"The thing about techno stuff is that it doesn’t
wrinkle. You can stuff it in a suitcase, pull it out
and wear it. All you need is an ironed shirt—l'm
waiting for them to make one wrinkle-free.” An in-
teresting design this year is the lined, nylon jacket
by Hugo Boss ($285, opposite, bottom right). it’s
combined with a long-sleeve V-neck by Dolce and
Gabbana ($130) and pants by Sandy Dalal ($215).
At top ond bottom left, he's weoring a shirt ($1B0)
and a three-button suit ($1930), both by Helmut
Long. The silk tie is by Hugo Boss (585).

WHERE & HOW TOBUY ON РАСЕ 148.

PLAYBOY

116

Make Money

(continued from page 112)
Kraków, he told me to lose the ghetto
and become American. This is what 1
have tried to do. He also told me never
to lose the kopf”—the head. But Big
Arthur would never stay in a stock for
more than two weeks. He'd make a few
bucks, lose a few bucks.

"You can never really make any mon-
ey that way,” I said to him—after I had
known him long enough to dare a sug-
gestion of my own.

“Туе already made my money,” ће
replied. "But let me tell you some-
thing. In my business, the shoe busi-
ness, they say the smell of leather keeps
us together. We gamble every day оп
style and price and a million other
things. There is no such thing as an
easy business. Only from the outside
does anything appear to be easy. Trad-
ing the market is entertainment for
me, a place to screw around, a little ki-
bitz, as they say."

“1 could tell you about a stock that I
think can double in two years,” I said.

He looked at me and smiled. “How
do I know I'm going to live that long?”
Because of Arthur, I have asked every
prospective client who comes into my
office, “Are you serious about making
money, or do you just want to fool
around?" You'd be amazed at the num-
ber of people who have to think awhile
before answering.

A crisis I was witness to that rein-
forces the importance of knowing his-
tory was the assassination of John F.
Kennedy in November 1963. By then
I was a practicing stockbroker, living
at my parents’ house. But the resident
manager kept me on a modest salary аз
well ($85 a week), to fill in for the tele-
type operator and to do odd jobs—like
changing the cellophane tape on the
Translux ticker machines that ran all
day, printing the trades on the New
York Stock Exchange. In those days,
rolls of tape were changed manually,
and ink cartridges were inserted into
slots so that the printing action became
legible. Changing the rolls and ink car-
tridges was part of my job. (And I have
always been a mechanically challenged
person.) Virtually every day I would go
home with blue ink up to my elbows.
“I've heard of blue-collar workers, but
this is just ridiculous,” my mother
would say.

“The resident manager says it builds
character to know all the jobs in the of-
fice," I would tell her. “And the $85 a
week is gravy.” “The gravy is on your
tie,” she would say. Mother always got
the last word.

I was changing the ink rolls when
the rumor first broke about JFK. The
brokers began screaming at me, “Get

those inkers in. We can't see." The tick-
er rape was running with indistinct
images: They needed the ink man to
make the numbers rcal. And the num-
bers were falling as the rumors of the
shooting became fact. Most people, I
believe, vhen facing chaos, think of
self-preservation. Heroes are the ones
who look to save others. The brokers
were still yelling, people from other of-
fices on our floor streamed into our
boardroom to watch the falling market,
everyone was shocked by the news,
gathering to be reassured by human
contact. I was a rookie at this point in
my career, and with panic building
around me, my initial reaction was: It's
over—my brief career, the stock mar-
ket, the country in turmoil. The resi-
dent manager beckoned me with a fin-
ger into his office.

ink that it's over, don't you?”

"I really don't know what to think."

“Did you ever take an American his-
tory course?"

I admitted I had.

"Then you have to step back and rec-
ognize that we have this wonderful
thing called a Constitution. This in-
credible event will pass as far as the
markets are concerned. We have suc-
cession in place, and form, and peo-
ple of enormous goodwill. Always bet
against the crowd. There is a poet
named David McCord who wrote this
about Harvard:

“Is that you, John Harvard? I said
to his statue. Aye, that’s me, said John,
and after you're gone."

“I's true about Harvard,” the man-
ager said. "And it's true about America.
Be a buyer."

"That lesson has been fundamental in
my investment decisions and should
be equally fundamental in yours. Go
against the popular mood when there
is desperation around you.

I had another lesson that day, almost
the flip side of being a buyer in chaot-
ic times. A young client of mine came
into the office, someone my mother
would have called swervy. He had been
a lacrosse player in college, with a rep-
utation for dirty play.

"Kennedy's been shot," he said.

“It’s unbelievable," I answered.

"What can we sell short?" he asked.
"Chance here to make a score."

I recalled the Rothschilds’ getting
carrier pigeon reports of the Duke of
Wellington's victory at Waterloo and
going long on the British pound before
the world knew the results of that bat-
tle. Would the SEC have called that in-
side information?

But I stared at my client, not real-
ly believing he had suggested selling
short (betting against the market) at
such an emotional time.

“I don't want your business," I said.

"You're a sucker,” he said. “Suckers
don't win ball games." And he walked
out. I was a young broker, naive, per-
haps, but it was my first brush with im-
morality in business. I rold the resident
partner about it and he smiled. “You
lose your virginity, I think, three times
in life," he said. "The first is when you
lose it in the physical sense. The sec-
ond, like today, is in a business sense,
and you realize the world is not neces-
sarily an honorable place."

"And the third?" I asked.

"Don't call me a cynic, but the third
time you lose your virginity is the day
you get married. You'll see what I
mean." And he went back to his battle
station on the phones.

‘THE SECOND PART OF THE TRADE

There are two parts to every sell de-
cision when you plan to get out of a
stock. The first is, at what price do I
exit this stock position? The second
part, and almost as important, is, what
do I do with the money when I sell?
Few people pay attention to the sec-
ond part.

I have a friend who bought Exxon
several years ago at 40, for all the right
reasons, I thought. He figured the
company was well managed, paid a
good dividend and was positioned to
serve the growing worldwide demand
for energy that my friend believed
would kick in as countries moved to-
ward free markets. After he held it for
several years the stock moved into the
high 60s.

“1 want to sell Exxon,” my friend
said. “I have a good profit. Bulls make
money; bears can make money. Pigs
never make money.”

“Ah,” I told him, “the old cliché. But
you know, pigs often make more mon-
ey than anyone else. They are not
afraid to take a large position and ride
it. Warren Buffett is essentially a pig by
this definition.” Warren Buffett is the
second wealthiest American after Bill
Gates.

My friend sold his Exxon at 66, paid
his taxes and within a week bought Ap-
ple Computer at 33. "It's down from
the 60s. I think it's cheap. Also,” he
reasoned, “I sold 1000 Exxon and
bought 2000 Apple—same amount of
money, double the amount of stock.”
Exxon subsequently moved on to all-
time-high prices and paid a healthy
dividend to boot. Apple dropped over
the next year and a half to 14 and
pays nothing. My friend’s maneuver is
comparable to quitting a job before
you have a plan for the next опе.
When you make a decision to sell a
stock, think about the second part of
the transaction: What do I do with the

(continued on page 122)

———

.
——

117

’s the oldest trick in their book!”

4, Mrs. Schmidt, it

“Ignore tha

Lucy Liu

ust when the hit series Ally McBeal

was becoming predictable in its un-
predictability, a litigious powerhouse named
Ling Woo turned the show on its head. She's
played by actor Lucy Liu.

The daughter of Chinese immigrants, Liu
grew up in Queens. She attended NYU and
later the University of Michigan, where she
majored in Asian languages and cultures.
During her senior year, Liu auditioned for a
supporting role in Andre Gregory's stage
adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Instead,
she won the lead, and her acting career
was born.

Lis work in theater productions, includ-
ing M. Butterfly, led to guest appearances
on NYPD Blue, The X-Files and LA Law.
A role on ER brought her to the attention
of Ally McBeal creator David Kelley, who
was searching for new characters and story
lines. He immediately cast Liu in a support-
ing role.

Liu has parlayed her exposure on the
show into a growing movie career, including
a memorable role as a dominatrix opposite
Mel Gibson in Payback. “I read the script,”
she said, “and thought it was dark and in-
teresting.” She has also appeared in Clint
Eastwood's True Crime and in Molly with
Elisabeth Shue.

Liu still finds time for stage work as a
member of Los Angeles’ Met Theater Devel-
opment Ensemble. And, she’s an accom-
plished fine artist who has had solo shows in
Soho and Venice, California.

Robert Crane caught up with the inde-
fatigable Liu on the set of Ally McBeal in
Los Angeles. He reports: “Liu changed into
а skimpy leather ensemble for her role as
Ling Woo and asked me to zip her up. It was
my pleasure. While we sat in her dressing
room, she constantly tugged at her skirt as
she became more animated and vocal. The
frequent interruptions by makeup artists, as-
sistant directors, personal assistants and a
boyfriend with two dogs didn't affect Liu's
stream of thought. She's beautiful, deter-
mined and opinionated, and she has a great
pair of legs, which she altributes to climb-
ing—rock climbing."

PHOTOGRAPHY EY ANTOINEVERGLAS.

PLAYBOY: Ling Woo, the character you
play on Ally McBeal, has been responsi-
ble for some innovative TV moments,
such as licking Richard Fish's lips. For
what other breakthroughs do you want
to be responsible?

uiu: Ling has done a lot of stuff. She's
licked lips, she’s sucked fingers and
she’s given hair jobs. I don't know how
David Kelley comes up with these
things. They are now the mark of Ling.
She definitely has a lot of other things
up her sleeve. She's trying to show Fish
a little more about foreplay. I think
there’s also a power struggle between
Ling and Fish: He wants to have in-
tercourse and she doesn't want to—to
the extent that she's trying to prove а
point. She has to stand strong. She
might have a lot of other things in store
before she gives it up to him. It makes
it a little more interesting. I think the
tension will build—at least for him.

PLAYBOY: You're a martial artist, fine
artist, accordion player, rock climber.
What do you have against being lazy?

тло: Sometimes I'm lazy, but I always
have something creative I want to do
or work on. It’s nice to lounge around
the house. But if уоште an artist, you
got to have some fucking money. You
work at McDonald's if you have to.
You got to earn some money so you
have confidence when you walk into a
room and present yourself. Success is
definitely a point of view, but success to
me is just like, Hey, guess what? I'm
paying my own rent. I went out and
bought this food. I used to get up at
three or four o'clock in the morning to
make omelettes for people just so I
could have some money. Believe me, I
didn't want to do that. It wasn't a great
job, but I did и. I'm a firm believer in
not living off somebody else. I'm really
independent that way, and I hope I re-

РА BEB ONES

the best thing to happen to "ally mcbeal” expounds
on hair jobs, chopsticks and being a moron in love

main that way. Get off your ass is what
I would say.

PLAYBOY: What's the most enduring
myth about Asian women?

LIU: That our vaginas are slit a different
way. That's the major one. Mine is, how-
ever, and I'm proud of it. It's a nice dis-
covery, but now that you're printing it,
nobody will be curious anymore.

PLAYBOY: Defend that most maligned
instrument—the accordion.

ыш: Defend it? There's nothing to de-
fend! It's an instrument that breathes
with you. You control the sound, you
create the energy, you determine how
loud it is. The emotional backing of the
instrument is something you create al-
so, depending on how much you pull
and push and how much you breathe
with it. Somebody can play one song
completely flat, and someone else can
play it with so much emotion you're on
the verge of tears. It’s something you
create. It's like a part of you—as ор-
posed to a guitar or a flute. Go blow
on that!

PLAYBOY: Rock climbing: You climb like
crazy, then you come down. Are we
missing something?

шо: I understand why people do ex-
treme sports: They give you a feeling
you can't match. It's close to death. It's
so dangerous that you get a certain
high from it. Once you get that high,
there's nothing you can replace it with.
I lived in New York all my life and was
never athletic. 1 came out here and 1
started doing things I'd never done
before, like hiking and roller-skating.
Women are better climbers than men,
generally, because men usually try to
muscle their way up with their arms.

By the time (continued on page 151)

119

7271

Fashion By HOLLIS WAYNE BREAK FROM THE HERD. STICK YOUR
Two British physicists recently discovered that it is mothemoticolly possible to knot o tie 85 different woys. Neorly oll ore unwieldy ond,
most importont, the four best woys hod olready been invented. But when it comes to potterns, the more choices the better. Here ore your
full-color options from the four corners of tielond. Print ties hove a modern edge becouse the potterns ore stomped onto the fobric. Stick
with troditionol designs but feel free to go wild with colors. The lobels on the flovorful prints above ore, from left to right, Ermenegildo

Zegno ($120), Colvin Klein ($80), Donno Koron ($95), Volentino Crovotte ($105), Donno Koron ($95), Ermenegildo Zegno ($120) ond
Colvin Klein ($80). Wool ties ore the neckweor equivolent of the sports coot. Cashmere ties ore the most stylish of the breed, while ploids
breothe country, ond tweedy knits ore beefy. Moving from left to right below we hove a knitted tie by Donno Karan (595), о coshmere
herringbone by Joseph Abboud (5110), a wool houndstooth from Rolph Louren (565), o coshmere ploid by Rolph Louren ($85), o tweed

NECK OUT AND PICK A STRONG DESIGN. START THE WEEKEND RIGHT
by Alfred Dunhill (5130), a knit by Robert Talbatt ($105) and a herringbone by Mondo di Marco ($55). Woven ties are lush in feel ond
colar. The pattern is actually woven into the fabric sa the visual texture is complemented by the physical texture. The ties obove make a
bold four-in-hand knot. From left ta right, the purple tie and the gold tie are both by Audrey Buckner (595 each). Then comes a light gray

by Robert Talbott (5105), а polka dot by Ralph Lauren ($50) and two designs in blue—the first is by Lanvin ($110), the second is by Mon-
do di Marca ($55). Striped ties abound at prep schoals and university clubs, but the ties below аге nathing like your dod's reps. When
the traditional rep tie angle is used, the colors are brassy and up-to-date. Some designers have decided ta play with the form even
further by taking a chance with horizontal and vertical stripes. From left, the ties bear the labels of Robert Talbott ($85), Valentina Cro-
vatte (5105), Mondo di Marca ($55), Donna Karan ($95), Paul Smith ($80), Audrey Buckner ($120) and Burberry (585).

PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 149,

РАМ Y BOT Y.

122

Make Money

(continued from page 116)

money after I sell? And ask yourself

this question: Is what до with the pro-
ceeds going to be half as good as hold-
ing the stock I'm selling? Most of the
time it isn't.

SELLING SHORT

I'm an optimist. I believe that good
things can come from bad events. This
includes the stock market. 1 have some
1700 clients around the world. No
more than one of these people ever
sells a stock short in the space of a year.
Why is this? Investors are optimistic
people—they like betting for things,
not against them. They particularly
like betting on themselves. “1 don't like
wishing for things or people to f
people say when asked about short sell-
ing. But it is a tool worth knowing
about if you wish to have a full picture
of your financial choices. Short selling
is the mirror image of buying a stock
and hoping it appreciates (going long).
If you buy a hundred shares of a stock
at 20 and sell it at 30, your profit is
ten points, or $1000 before taxes and
fees. If you sell 100 shares of stock
short at 30, you borrow 100 shares
from your broker to deliver to the buy-
er. If it drops ten points, you buy it in,
closing the transaction. Then you de-
liver the bought-in shares to the broker
you borrowed from. It dropped ten
points, and $1000 profit is credited to
your account (again minus taxes and
fees). Professional traders short stocks
all the time.

Here's how you can use this tech-
nique: You know you want to own su-
perior companies like Procter and Gam-
ble, Exxon or J.P Morgan. And you
hope to prosper with those companies
for years. You occasionally want to own
companies you have a strong feeling
about, such as Ralph Lauren, Staples
or Starbucks, because you изе and like
their products or services.

What if you have a bad experience
with a company, its products or ser-
vices? If you reward good companies
by becoming a co-owner (with other
shareholders), how about punishing
corporations that don't fulfill your ex-
pectations? Most of the time, your in-
stincts will be shared by others. The
stocks you admire vill eventually go up
and the stocks you don’t will decline.

Don't spend your life looking in the
rearview mirror. Recently I bought a
computer for my business, a Compaq
with all the bells and whistles. I was ad-
vised by my staff about the products,
and they purchased everything from
Comp USA. The total bill was $2700.
After the equipment was delivered, it
seemed the PC was missing a sound

card. Could we get Comp USA to ad-
dress the problem? There followed five
days of waiting on hold for half-hour
stretches, then runarounds and buck-
passing. “Tell them I’m canceling the
order,” I told my crew. “Let them come
and pick it up.” When we told them we
were canceling, we finally got service.
But the experience was disenchanting,
to say the least. I could have bought a
computer at a dozen places. So if they
were selling service, Comp USA was a
disaster. I inferred that if I was having
problems with Comp USA, many other
people were probably in the same boat.
I told my staff, "I'm going to pay for
the computer by shorting Comp USA
stock." I sold short 500 shares at $35 а
share and within three weeks covered
the stock, closed out my short position
at 28%, for a profit of approximately
$3500. Of course I have to eventually
figure in the tax on my profit. But I
turned a bad experience into a happy
and profitable one. And I got a good
story out of it as well—a psychic victo-
ry I could share with others. "Let's go
for the laptop now,” I told my crew,
and when the stock ran up again to
$36 or so, I shorted 600 shares, cover-
ing again around 31H in less than two
weeks. We're getting there, as far as the
laptop is concerned. But I'm probably
not going to short the stock again for
myself. You have to be careful about.
being too greedy.

I had a purpose in shorting Comp
USA. And I had a target. A few months
after I covered the shorts, the stock
sold down to the high teens, eventually
going below 8. But the principle was
the lesson here. You can watch for ar-
eas in business that disappoint you and
profit from them.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

I would rather do my own research
on companies, independent from what
management of the companies tells me.
Chicf executives of public companies
are cheerleaders for their own regimes.
They tell you optimistic news because
they desperately want their predictions
to come true. Many of my biggest mis-
takes have come from being too close
to management. Once, a president of a
direct mail company told me, “We're
going to be a $100 stock." The compa-
ny was selling for 84. He was offended
when I said to him, "I'd settle for 20."

"You've got no vision, son," he said.
“That's why you're a stockbroker and I
run my own business.” I went to the
parking lot after seeing the president,
and pulling in next to my car were two
employees in a company station wag-
on. “I manage people's money," I said
to them, "and I'm thinking about buy-
ing stock in your corporation. How do
you like working here?”

The first employee said, “They treat
us like mushrooms in this company.”

“Yeah,” said the second employee.
“Kept in the dark and covered with
shit.”

“And management grabs with both
hands,” added the first. “Not much
trickles down to us. I'd sell it short if I
were you."

Often you get misinformation from
both management and employees. The
boss is only optimistic. The workers see
only the warts. Same company. When
I get a chance to talk to management.
I always seek out an employee or two
to hear the other side of the story. It
helps in evaluating the investment
possibilities.

Have you noticed articles in maga-
zines and newspapers in the past sever-
al years about the so-called paperless
society? Like world peace and loving
your neighbor, this is a dream that is
probably unreachable. When I was
talking to a thoughtful friend about
this subject, he said to me, “Do you
know about Iron Mountain?”

“Is it a novel by Thomas Mann?" I
asked.

He looked down his nose at me. "It's
the largest records-management busi-
ness in America." Iron Mountain's rev-
enues exceed $400 million a year. I
believe in eyes-and-ears investing, pop-
ularized by Peter Lynch. I came back
from lunch with my friend that day
and found an intern in my office sitting
at a desk surrounded by annual re-
ports stacked so high they almost ob-
scured him from view. “What the hell is
this?” I asked my crew.

“A new rule,” they said. “Any compa-
ny we invest in, we have to keep the an-
nual reports on file for five years.”

“That's ridiculous,” I said. They
shrugged, used to my railings against
bureaucracy. Go to any law firm or
corporate office, and you'll find them
drowning in paper. Much of this vol-
ume has to be saved for X number of
years, a requirement of the IRS and
other government agencies. Iron
Mountain fills an extraordinary need
in society. Companies and individuals
have their documents picked up by the
storage company, paying rent every
month while the paper continues to
mount. What about microfilming ev-
erything? This solution is years away
from being practical. Meanwhile, Iron
Mountain continues to buy up storage
companies around the country and
abroad, growing by acquisition, install-
ing its systems and quietly building an
empire.

I see Iron Mountain trucks on the
streets of my city. Several times I have
stopped to talk with the drivers. “How
long have you worked for the compa-

(continued on page 153)

«dl

123

"Can't you, just this once, not answer your beeper?!”

ЈУГ Го мтетдуг nun: а unum
ке UMU || M,
DiuuLol JUJIRAL ЛИЛ ЛӘ MAAL
I
| е e
> A
7 x

lic. “We try to keep the Tour products pretty similar to the products we sell because
а lot of customers want the same clubs," says Taylor Made's Tom Olsavsky, who
minds the needs of PGA Tour pros. The only set is the irons, because consistency is
essential. The others are selected individually. Tiger Woods uses a 7.5-degree Titleist Tita-
nium 975D driver, but his 15-degree steel Titleist PT three wood doesn't match. Woods
loves its feel. It’s his favorite club. His forged irons are prototypes that aren't available to
the public because they do not fit in with Titleist's cavity-back DCI design. But the
E and 60-degree Vokey design models—and the Scotty Cameron
Newport by Titleist putter are for sale. Ernie Els, in turn, often uses three woods: ап
8.5-degree Taylor Made FireSole titanîum driver, a 12-degree Taylor Made Ti Bubble
2 and a 16-degree Ti Bubble 2 fairway metal that plays like a four wood. Els uses the
Taylor Made Burner Tour irons along with Cleveland wedges and a Ping Anser
putter. АЙ are available to the public. During practice rounds players will assess
the course and tweak their clubs accordingly. Els will take out a three iron but
then weaken the loft of a two iron to compensate. He even changes the loft of

his driver depending on how he 15 swinging.

It s A Paint brush

t looks like an iron, but a wedge is really a paintbrush. Shots from around the green are the biggest eaters of strokes, so
here is where you find artistic expression. Wedges require imagination, intuition and poetic interpretation. Pros switch
woods frequently, sometimes by the week, while sets of irons may last the year. Yet pros remain loyal to wedges. They
keep these “scoring” clubs in tune by grinding the soles and obsessing over lofts. They try dozens of models but invari-

ably stick with their favorites for years. The wedge's club face has the most grooves of any club, and those grooves create

backspin. Spin makes the ball stop quickly when it arrives near the target. Amateurs find the racks filled with gap wedges
and lob wedges, wedges with softer alloys and unique soles. Different shaping of the sole makes it easier to play shots from.

fairways, sand and rough. Now there are wedges with inserts embedded with tungsten carbide bits, which give the face а.

sandpaper-like feel and effect, so friction is increased for even more spin and control.

It's Ший Неш Bari Gane

olfers buy and lose them to the tune of $700 million a But that means there's less bite. Taylor Made's InerGel is a
year, but they can't play without them. This year, ball made to maximize both ends of the battle. It has a
balls have new materials and new designs—and soft elastic underlayer that stretches during contact
even new manufacturers. Club-only compa- with a short iron for more green-holding spin. Off
nies like Taylor Made and Callaway, whose new a driver, however, its core fires off the face for
ball will debut early next year, have jumped in. better overall span. Maxfli's Tour Patriot is
All say their products offer superior perfor- geared for length, but a thin layer ofwindings
mance, yet one thing remains constant: No ball between core and cover gives it a soft feel. The
can exceed the USGA's overall distance stan- Strata Tour Professional layers soft copolymer
dard. Some balls are made to maximize distance plastic blends atop the core for high-spin perfor-
and some are better at stopping on greens. The mance. Nike's Precision Tour Control is for the
key is to fit a ball's performance to your game. Would player who, when hitting into a long par four, needs
you score better if you hit more short irons to the greens, эріп to stop the ball quickly on the putting surface. Don't
even from the rough? Top-Flite's XL 2000 has a titanium be fooled by the different compressions. They are an at-
linked cover for better length. Hard- core, hard-cover mod- tempt to convey feel: 100 is harder than 90. There is no in-
els such as Wilson's Staff Titanium Straight Distance don't dustry standard, just as there's no standard answer to the
spin as much, so they are less prone to hooks and slices. question of which ball to play. Play what feels good to you.

чесече

JAMES IMBROGNO
WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 149

U ith few exceptions, the clubs we see in pro golf tournaments are available to the pub-

Clockwise from below: Wilson's Fat Shaft Dyna-

ered wedges and Tour Cast irons are strong, stable

and easy to hit (set of irons, $799). The Roll-Face of
TearDrop's TDI5 putter is perfect for fast greens
($225). Mizuno's T-ZOID Comp EZ irons offer soft

feel along vith a larger, forgiving design ($960). Each

iron in Taylor Made's new ingenious and bold-look-

ing FireSole line is weighted individually for op-
timum performance ($999). Adams Golf's SC Series
titanium driver has a curved face (like persimmon
woods of old), so off-center hits slice or hook back to

the target line ($369). Wilson's Fat Shaft Metal Matrix
Composite driver is heat-coated for faster ball launch
speed ($199). Callaway's Great Big Bertha Hawk Eye |
titanium driver has a tungsten screw to fight gp №
($500). Taylor Made's FireSole Rescue fairway ^
($299) FireSole driver ($399) have tungsten iı W
seris in soles for greater stability even on

bits. A ра мощния. АН

PLAYBOY

128

MAN $HOW

(continued from page 97)
course there's a honeymoon period,
or maybe you're out dating and stuff,
but ultimately we want to be left to
ourselves. We want to go to the room
where there's a television and no one
talks to us at all.

ADAM: That's why the garage shouldn't
be attached to the house. 1 here's never
a bathroom in the garage because then
the guy would never come back.
PLAYBOY: Complete the sentence, “A
woman's place is in the. a

Jimmy: Closet? I don't know where a
woman's place is. I know where their
places aren't, and their places aren'ton
the golf course, in the bowling alley, in
the living room. My wife told me, “I'm
thinking about taking golf lessons." I
said, "Are you going lesbian?" She said,
“No, itll be nice. We can go play golf
together." I was like, what the hell are
you talking about? Play golf? I don't go
to play golf. I go to walk around with
some other guys for six hours—and get
away from you.

ADAM: The idea is that you get to walk
around with guys. Sometimes we just
walk—we'll pass three or four holes
without even playing. Women are con-
stantly trying to think of hobbies that
men and women can do together. They
don't realize that guys have cooked up
hobbies that they know women will
hate, just so they can be left alone.
PLAYBOY. Construct a curriculum on
how to be a man.

Jimmy: We think of this show as a grad-
uate program on how to be a man,
because, you know, there are so many
aspects that a lot of guys really don’t
understand. Being a man is not about
having a penis; being a man is an inter-
nal thing. Even some women are men.
You know, the women who seem like
one of the guys. They're kind of hard,
and that's who the show is for. Being a
man is more about the things you don't
do than the things you do. There’s alot
of room to be a man, but there are cer-
tain things you can't really be party to.
1 caught a 25-year-old guy who works
here calling into a radio station to win
Billy Joel tickets. I said, “What are you
doing?” He really had no idea why it
was wrong.

PLAYBOY: Your show is predicated on
the fact that men don't have to say
we're sorry—but surely men have to
say sorry for a few things.

Jimmy: Only those that are to our ad-
vantage. Certainly, there are times you
have to say you're sorry, but only to get
sex, or to get them to leave you alone.
Its purely to keep your life more pleas-
ant. If you say уоште sorry too much,
when the chips are really down you
have to start crying or something like

that. That's why it's important to al-
most never say you're sorry, so when
you pull it out, it’s a big gun. Remem-
ber how Fonzie would never apologize
for anything on Happy Days? But when
on the rare occasion he choked up with
Mr. Cand said he was sorry, it was a big
deal. He got a big round of applause.
PLAYBOY: Jimmy, do you have advice for
men in your condition?

Jimmy: My condition—you mean being
married? I would never say don't get
married, because there are definitely
good things about being married. I'd
say don’t give up your testicles. A lot of
guys turn into a child and their wife be-
comes mommy. I never want my wife to
be mommy. A lot of guys do. They give
up their power or their edge. They
give it up in exchange for being taken
care of. I won't do it, and I hate to see
guys who do. I sec it happen to friends—
they just wave the white flag. It's like
they just get too tired.

ADAM: They're not even getting any-
thing in return after a certain period.
It's not like they get breakfast in bed
every day. The wife becomes some sort
of troll who's sleeping under the bed,
and you got to tiptoe around the house
because she'll come out in a bad mood.
But it's not like the troll is cooking
breakfast. Men just hit the point where
they don't want to piss her off.
PLAYBOY: List some bulletproof argu-
ments for the right to a boys night out.
Jimmy: Any woman who keeps you
from hanging out with your friends is
a bad woman. It's natural for guys to
hang out together. You have to do it, ог
else you become a woman.

ADAM: You have to get out of the habit
of asking. I mean, you gotta tell 'em.
Jimmy: You never ask, you announce.
ADAM: Here's the deal. You can't be cru-
el or mean, but you have to be firm.
Women like that, whether they want to
admit it or not. They like the guy who
stands by his convictions. You can’t
start arguing and sniveling, because
they'll see that as a weakness and then
pounce on you. You have to be fair and
you have to be firm. You can’t go out
five nights in a row, but you have to say,
"Look, it's been almost 18 hours since I
was drunk, I haven't shot any snooker
in four and a half hours and the chili I
spilled on my shirt is starting to dry."
You tell thern. If you start asking them,
then you're fucked. But you don't yell
it at them, you just tell them: This is
what I'm doing.

PLAYBOY: You guys talk big, but what's
your secret fear of Oprah and Rosie?
JIMMY: Our fear is not a personal fear;
it's fear for the nation. It's a fear that
there's a focal point for women, and
it's a powerful one. Oprah has a lot of
power. If Oprah said, “Ladies, enough
is enough. It’s time to start chopping

off testicles,” I guarantee you'd be hear-
ing them hit the floor like gumballs all
over the country. I hope to God she
stays slim, because when she flips out
like all these fat celebrities seem to flip
out after a while—name one sane fat
celebrity—we're all going to be in a
world of trouble. There are always
a couple picketers outside a nuclear
plant. We're the picketers outside the
Oprah and Rosie plants. We may seem
nuts, but somebody has to focus on
those two.

ADAM: We have to chain ourselves to
something. Like Stedman's Mercedes.
PLAYBOY: We're not saying GQ is run by
gay guys, but don't you think inordi-
nate attention to style runs counter to
basic self-esteem issues?

ADAM: All those male magazines, the
Men’s Fitnesses and the GQs and all the
ones where guys are Rollerblading
with the six-pack stomach in the cy-
cling shorts—it's all gay porn. That's all
that is. Regular guys aren't interest-
ed in 15-minute abs. That's ridiculous.
Wouldn't it be great to live in a world
where we can ask a young man, "Do
you know where your abs are?" and he
just points to his ass?

jimmy: I don't buy clothing. I operate
like a seven-year-old boy does with
food. He doesn't go out to restaurants
or the supermarket. I wear what is giv-
en to me. I wear what 1 get for Christ-
mas and whatever free T-shirts I get
along the way. Occasionally I get a cou-
ple pairs of jeans. The only item of
clothing that’s appropriate for a man to
spend a great deal of time buying is
sneakers. That's the only thing. I can-
not go by a Foot Locker without stop-
ping in.

PLAYBOY: What don't women ипдег-
stand about the subtle cunning of male
interior decorating?

ADAM: You mean the cinder blocks with
the pine boards?

пмму: What they don't understand is
this: It doesn't matter how nice or how
shitty anything is, you will eventually
get used to it and not notice it at all
When I first came out to California, I
thought, Wow, it's really beautiful here.
It's so green. Now I walk outside and
don't think twice about anything. We
have five bedrooms in our house, and I
live in one room. I share it with my
cousin Sal. We got a computer in there.
We got all our books and, you know,
an eight-foot stand-up of Troy Aik-
man and some baseball cards scattered
around. The room is filthy, but I don't
notice it. You become acclimated. Wom-
en like to move furniture around. I
could never imagine moving furniture
except to make way for a bigger T V set.
PLAYBOY: What natural sounds and
smells occur in the male environment

(concluded on page 150)

/ Ay ^ (d
PAAR, ||

nn ALL
ut

МОРЕ

"Every night the cops pretend to haul us away in the paddy wagon.
The tourists love it.”

129

MEET THE
ACTRESS WHO

HERTS D
AMERICAN PIE

orget about the pop

song from which the

movie draws its ti-

tle: American Pie is

not a lament for lost
innocence but the latest
entry in a time-honored
genre of audience-pleas-
ing films—the coming-of-
age comedy. Four randy
high schoolers embark on
a quest to lose their vi
ginity, whereupon high
jinks, foul-ups and a good
dose of bedroom shenani-
gans ensue. Think Animal
House meets Porky's meets
Fast Times at Ridgemont
High. These are but three
predecessors whose char-
acters rallied around a
motto memorably voiced
by Sean Penn's character
in Ridgemont High: “Hey,
bud, let’s party.”

But as every aficiona-
do of coming-of-age mov-
ies knows, the parties are
no fun, and the pursuit
of one’s manhood is
doomed, without comely
accomplices. And that, as
you might have guessed,
is where Shannon Eliz-
abeth comes in. Shan-
non stars in American Pie
as the love interest (or
should we say lust inter-
est) of Jason Biggs. She’s
a Czechoslovakian, ballet-
dancing exchange student
who asks him for help
with her studies. They get
together, one thing leads
to another, and the out-
come is now on display at
the local multiplex.

More than that—more
of Shannon, at any rate—
is displayed on these pag-
es. “I wanted to do some-
thing that would promote
the movie, allow me to
stay in the character I
play and generate some
heat and emotion,” she
says. "And I thought
PLAYBOY would be a great
way to do it.”

Offscreen, of course,
Shannon is no high
schooler: She's an actor
with a growing résumé, a
(text concluded on page 166)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIS FACTOR

“The nudity didn't bother me ot oll," exploins Shannon. "It just felt complete-
ly natural. And when you're around the some group of people, they get
more bored with it than you do. The people working on the shoot probably
got to the point where they thought, Could she pleose wear something?”

To keep in shope, Shan-
non dances, hikes ond
roller-skates. "I like to do
stuff outside," she says,
"instead of working out
on а treodmill." She
doesn't like to stoy in one
place when it comes to.
work, either: “I'm not al-
ways comfortable acting,
but that's good—if I
were reloxed it wouldn't.
be а chollenge, and
l always try to do

challenging things."

LIVING ONLINE

the best of the.net every month

The WWW Speedirap
Rewistry

SLIP PAST SPEED TRAPS

What's the only sound worse thara baby's cry reverber-
ating through an airplane fuselage? Answer: a highway pa-
trol car's siren signaling you to pull over. Its modulating
ма is a downright health hazard—your heart rate races,
and you begin to hallucinate about insurance premium
hikes and hefty fines. Radar and laser detectors go only so
far in preventing speeding tickets—cops rely on tried-and-
true "pacing" when they get in а mood ro issue citations.
Before you head out on the highway, take a detour at the
WWW Speedtrap Registry (speedtrap.com) to find where
the law will be lurking. With a page dedicated to speed
trap locations in every U.S. state (and other countries),
Speedtrap.com is updated frequently by folks sharing their
tales of encounters with Officer Friendly and his thick cita-
tion pad. Be sure to check out the section that provides de-
scriptions of the different types of patrol cars in each state.

FLAME
EXTINGUISHER

Bounce Spam
Mail isa little pro-
gram you can use
to stay off spam-
mers’ lists. I use it
to head off flame
wars (jargon for
online cuss-fights)
When some hot-
head e-mails a page of invective to me, I use Bounce Spam
Mail ro send the message back. The program makes it ap-
pear as though my e-mail address is invalid, so the flamer
thinks I never even saw the message. 105 like getting a let-
ter returned with “no such address” stamped on it by the
post office, It makes the flamers feel like they were howling
in the wind. Download Bounce Spam Mail from www.er.
uqam.ca/merlin/fg591543/bsm/.

By MARK FRAUENFELDER

ONLINE GAMES THAT DON'T SUCK

Want a.taste of hell on earth? Try online bingo. The last
time I played it 1 found myself competing with 742 other
people for a prize of $2. I've also tried online chess, poker
and backgammon. Often, my computer crashed trying to
run the games, When they did work, they ran slowly. The
much-touted “community-enhancing” chat function in
most Online games is no fun either, because what do you
really want to say to your Ghinese checkers opponent
in Duluth—*Good move, tiger"? I was ready to give up
online gaming when a friend told me about the games
on Bezerk (won.net/gamerooms/bezerk))- Unlike old
games shoehorned to fit the Web experience, these are
game shows designed to be played online. My favorite Be-
zerk diversion is You Don't Know Jack, a high-energy triv-
ia game with topics such as “Men Are From Mars, Women
Cut Off Their Penises,” and “Don’t Piss Off the Guy Who
Seryes Your Food.” Wisely avoiding bandwidth-hogging
video and complex animation, You Don't Know Jack
makes excellent use of audio to give you the feeling of be-
ing ona television game show. There's a new episode avail-
able every Monday,
and you can play
with up to three
friends at once. 1
also like Bezerk’s
Acrophobia, a game
in which you com-
pete witha dozen
other players to
come up with the
most clever words
to fit a nonsense

acronym, and What's раз
the Big Idea? which
is like Family Feud
produced by Indi-
ana Jones.

BUILD YOUR PORTFOLIO DRIP BY DRIP

In the Eighties my stockbroker—a guy I knew only by
phone—convinced me to squander several thousand dol-
lars on a tomato paste factory, and charged me more than
$100 to buy and sell the shares. As soon as web-based bro-
kerages appeared, I moved my entire (yet puny) stock
portfolio online and started saving a bundle on commis-
sions. Many e-brokerages charge less than $12 a trade. Re-
cently, I found out how to invest in the stock market and
pay zero commissions. The method is called the Dividend
Re-Investment Plan. DRIFs allow investors to purchase
stock directly from a company. You can buy as little as one
share, and the dividends go toward the purchase of addi-
tional shares. More than 800 companies, from IBM to Wal-
Mart, offer dividend reinvestment plans. The best place to
find out about DRIPs is at dripcentral.com. The site has
a searchable list of companies. You'll also find links to
agents that streamline DRIP investing at much lower rates
than you'd pay a broker to buy shares.

Netscape: A little computer virus humor

gest, robotwisdom.com, of-
fers headlines from around
the web, along with webcam-
of-the-hour images. For a
good digest of Internet-relat-
ed tidbits, try Dave Pell's Dave-
netics (davenetics.com).
For condensed versions of
the major daily papers, visit
slate.com (which recently
abandoned subscription
charges and began giving
away its contents). The truly
ravenous will love www.news
hub.com, which updates its
headlines every 15 minutes.
If you decide that daily di-
gests should become part of
your morning routine, then
start using quickbrowse.
com. This free service will
compile all your favorite sites
on one long page. That way,

you can toast your English
muffins while Quickbrowse

DEMYSTIFYING COMPUTER VIRUSES

Аз the Melissa panic last spring demonstrated, if you
don't practice safe computing, you can end up infecting
your hard drive and spreading a virus to others. But the
dangers of viruses have been blown out of proportion.
You've probably received warning e-mail from good-inten-
tioned folks who think computer viruses are able to propa-
gate through your home wiring system, reset the VCR and
pop the lightbulb in your refrigerator. The truth is, viruses
do not exist in e-mail messages. They must be transmitted
through programs, which are typically delivered via e-mail
as attachments. The best way to prevent a viral infection is
by never downloading a file from the web, or by never
opening an attachment sent in an e-mail. Likewise, the best
way to prevent venereal disease is by never having sex. But
if a life without sex or new software sounds as unbearable
to youas it does to me—and it sounds terrible to me—your
next line of defense will be to make use of solid informa-
tion. The latest news on computer viruses can be found at
kumite.com.

GIVE US FIVE MINUTES, WE'LL GIVE YOU THE WEB

"The web, by any standard, is huge. It contains at least
250 million pages. The bad news is you'd die before you
could see them all. The good news is that 99 percent of
them aren't worth looking at. (If you doubt it, conduct
your own survey by using the Web Autopilot at www.mit.
edu/people/m! gray/autopilot. html.) Even if only one
percent of the web is worth looking at, that still leaves mil-
lions of pages of good stuff. It may seem hopeless, but by
using web digests, news junkies can catch up on the best of
the Net's daily dishing of dirt

Journalist Jim Romenesko's sleekly designed Obscure
Store (obscurestore.com) is updated every weekday
morning with at least a dozen items culled from newspa-
pers round the world. Whether reporting on a 79-year-old
woman who engaged in hand-to-paw combat with a wild
fox for 12 hours, or a student who sued her high school af-
ter it forbade her from wearing a pentagram to class, the
Obscure Store has a wealth of topical trivia that will turn
you into the hit of the office mailing list. Another daily di-

grabs sites. That will allow you
to read the compiled digest
without having to load the pages one-by-one. You can even
configure Quickbrowsc to e-mail your page to you. It's like
getting a morning newspaper that has only the stuff you
want to read_

Get casti for your Used CDs!

Gol anche CD» you sort ten w any төн? A ey ig around семена ust?

Noe Cash Fe Cs wl par yu cot fad cash ferthese Cs Н cet bn any sh

ола
ho sae

ЕЛА

Ма sio „Адобойет asta ater sk or more CO, you wan tse

за. Euer i

Accept me quote. апи your тыйса отап, and нов you ales,
porisgegu muito dise you cm maë me CDs Dad lo а

3 @ 3

DISCS FOR DOLLARS

I have too many CDs. Sloppy towers of jewel boxes аге
stacked around my stereo system, threatening to topple
over any time a Harley rumbles by. Whenever the clutter
becomes hazardous, I sell discs to the local used CD store.
"This time, however, I avoided the trip and sold them to
Cash for CDs (cashforcds.com) instead. The site makes it
easy to offload your idle CDs. You start by listing the discs
you want to get rid of (you have to sell at least six at a time).
Cash for CDs gives you an instant quote. They offered me
$19 for six CDs I hadn't listened to since Clinton took of-
fice. А few days later, a postage-prepaid package arrived in
my mailbox. I slipped the CDs in it, sent it off, and a week
later I got my check. Very cool. Now, if only there were a
cashforoldpizzaboxes.com.

You may contact Mark Frauenfelder at livingonline@playboy.com

РЕЛУВОУ

142

Summer Sweat
(continued from page 72)
intimacy from her lover, yet she was
wounded easily as an adolescent girl.
She said carefully, “Of course Kevin is
beautiful, Gregor. He's your son.”
Frowning, Gregor corrected, "Pe-
green's, too."

Pogreen the Wife, the Earth Mother. Six.
years older than Gregor, whom she'd
seduced as a youth of 19; she'd been
the wife of one of his music instructors
at the New England Conservatory. A
slovenly-glamorous woman with gray-
veined black haystack hair, a fleshy,
sensual body and a beautiful, ruined
face like a smeared Matisse. Pegreen
exuded a derisive sort of sexuality like
an oily glisten of sweat; in fact, she was
noticeably warm in public, flush-faced,
with damp half-moons beneath her
arms and tendrils of hair stuck to her
low, broad forehead. Her eyes were
malicious and merry and she wore
bright red lipstick like a Forties screen
actress. She wore tight-fitting summer-
knit sweaters with drooping necks and
ankle-length skirts with alarming slits
to midthigh. She, too, was a musician
and played piano, organ, guitar, mouth
harmonica and drums with a gay, gid-
dy imprecision; as if mocking the dead-
ly serious art of her husband and his
colleagues. She had a loud, contagious
laugh very like her husband's, and like
her husband she had a weakness for
vodka and gin, beer and wine, whiskey,
whatever. She was said to be more ex-
perimental and therefore more care-
less in drug use than Gregor, with a
Sixties hashish habit. It was said that
Pegreen was devoted to her difficult
“genius” of a husband unless she was
bitterly resentful of her difficult “ge-
nius” of a husband. Certainly they
quarreled a good deal, and exchanged
blows harder than slaps in private. (So
Adriana learned, marveling at a cas-
cade of purple bruises on her lover's
back.) Pegreen was the Earth Mother
grown ironic about mothering and
wife-ing and woman-ing in general.
She would appear to have been mani
depressive, though mostly manic, in
high spirits. Yet one day following a
quarrel with Gregor she bundled the
two youngest children with her into the
station wagon and drove as fast as
the vehicle would go on the New York
Thruway, the children screaming and
crying in the car when a state trooper
stopped her; she'd lost her license for
six months and begun to see a psy-
chotherapist. At one point she spent
some time in a psychiatric clinic in Man-
hattan. Gregor said, “Pegreen meant to
crash the station wagon, I'm sure. Yet

she could not. Her ties are as deep as
mine. She isn't truly mad, she has only
the showy outward energies of mad-
ness." The most disturbing thing Adri-
ana knew of Рертееп was that she'd ac-
quired from somewhere a .32-caliber
revolver, which, she boasted, she car-
ried “in my purse and on my person”
when she went into the city. She
laughed at the alarm and disapproval
of her husband’s colleagues. She was a
firm believer, she said teasingly, in the
right to bear arms and in the survival
of the fittest.

Adriana protested, “But does your
wife have a permit for this gun? Is it le-
gal?” and Gregor said, shrugging, “Ask
her.” Adriana said, "But aren't you
frightened, a gun in the house? Does
your wife know how to use it? And
what about the children?" Lovemak-
ing left Adriana exhausted and close to
tears and her voice dismayingly nasal.
You can't make love with another wom-
an's husband for most of an afternoon
without fantasizing a certain power
over his thoughts, a claim to his loyalty.
Though knowing it was risky to pump
Gregor about his family beyond what
he chose to volunteer, Adriana couldn't.
resist. Her heart thumped in the callow
hope of hearing him speak harshly of
her rival. Instead, he turned irritably
away from Adriana and rubbed his
eyes with both knuckles. They were ly-
ing amid the mangled, damp sheets of
the Bide-a-Wee. A smell, like that of
backed-up drains, pervaded the room.
No longer clutched together in each
other's arms devouring each other's
anguished mouth, they lay side by side
like carved effigy figures. Gregor
swung his hairy, brutal legs offthe edge
of the bed and sat up, grunting. “Pe-
green does what Pegreen will do. ГИ
use the bathroom first, OK?"

‘Twenty-three years later at a memo-
rial service at the Institute for the de-
ceased Edith Pryce, and a decade after
Pegreen's death (in an alleged auto ac-
cident on the Thruway at a time when
Pegreen was undergoing chemothera-
py for ovarian cancer, 52 years old and
still married to Gregor Wodicki), Adri-
ana will hear again that cruel, koan-like
phrase. Pegreen does what Pegreen will do.

In the Bide-a-Wec, there was not the
eerie labyrinthine cage of too-straight
pine trees but instead a low water-
stained ceiling and a single window
with a water-stained blind and that per-
vasive odor of drains, and sexual sweat.
Where they'd lain the sheets looked
torn, trampled. There was a sweetly
sour odor of matted hair, underarms.
The window-unit rattling air condition-
er was defeated by July heat rising to-
ward 100° F and humidity like a gigan-

tic expelled breath. Hours in a deliri-
um of angry yearning they'd strained
together, kissing, biting and sucking,
tonguing cach other's livid bodies. Like
great convulsing snakes they were. А
percussive music in their groans, in
their frightened-sounding whimpers
and shrill spasm-cries. If either had
wished to believe this might be their fi-
nal meeting, and afterward each would
be free ofthe other, neither believed so
now. There was a hook in their bodies
impaling both. There would be no easy
release. Their eyes rolled glassy-white
in their skulls in a mimicry of death.
Saliva sprang from the corners of their
mouths. Their genitals were tender,
smarting as if skinless. Everywhere
Adriana's skin smarted from her selfish
lover's unshaven jaws and the wiry
hairs of his body. Gregor's back was
scribbled red from Adriana’s mad rak-
ing nails. He laughed she would tear
off his head with her teeth, like the
female praying mantis of legend. Yet
pethaps he was afraid, a bit. Where he
gripped her shoulders, the reddened
imprints of his fingers remained. Her
breasts were bruised and the nipples
sore like a nursing mother’s (though
Adriana Kaplan had never nursed any
infant, and would not). Afterward
Adriana would stare at the marks her
lover lefi on her body, sacred hiero-
glyphics she alone could interpret. She
was cunning, clipping her pubic hair
with her husband's nail clippers; her
pubic hair which was a bristling bushy
black, scintillant, like the hair of her
head, which she wore in a single braid
like a bullwhip halfway down her back.
She wanted nothing to come between
her and Gregor, nothing to muffle her
physical sense of him. For she seemed
to know that this was the only knowl-
edge she would have of him, and this
fleeting as breath: their sexual contact,
to be protracted as long as possible.
Long shuddering waves of what was
called pleasure yet for which, to Adri-
ana, there was no adequate term.
If Tm hurting you, tell me and ГИ stop.
No. Don't stop. Never never stop.

“It just ends.” So Adriana remarked
of one of Gregor's compositions per-
formed by a string quartet, and Gregor
stiffened, saying, “No, it's broken off,”
and Adriana said, “But that’s what I
mean. It ends with no warning tothe lis-
tener, you keep waiting to hear more,”
and Gregor said, "Exactly. That's what
I want. The listener completes the mu-
sic in silence, himself." Adriana real-
ized that her lover, so casual about oth-
ers' feelings, was in fact offended by
this exchange; it offended him further
to be obliged to spell things out, and to

(continued оп page 159)

¿BY RAV-LAGO AND BILL SCHORR:
2 WITH D. BERENSON

15 THIS
AN EXAMPLE OF
CLASSICAL OR GOTHIC
ARCHITECTURE? 4

You ZEE
COMMOTION
MY LITTLE

THE POWER OF VIAGROW SHOULD
BE HARNESSED TO GUARANTEE OUR
COUNTRY’S CANNONS ARE
ALWAYS LOADED.”

—
^ HAVE A HIGH YIELD...
BUT NOW ALL MY
HOLDINGS ARE
SHORT TERM.

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S BONER, А IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY
MADNESS... WE CAN'T KEEP IN THE COUNTRY 15 TRYING TO
UP WITH DEMAND... - ас < EKS ENHANCE THEMSELVES
N У SEXUALLY.

LETS JUST SAY Y WOW/NODARE E
LIPDYS BEEN | PRESIDENTIAL

SHRIVELED
OLD MAN
ARE OVER/

HEY, STODMUFFIN /
THE DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE
ONE IN THE OVEN.

I WAS CAPTANOF X E ... AND I'M A SUPERHERO
ТИЕ 5 07 “BOAT! Now у > WITHOUT WIND IN НЕ CAPE...
НОГУ HARD-ONS...
THE BOUNTY’ WHO 15 THAT 27

MAKE NO BONI
ABOUT IT ANNIE..
ZESE BOYS HAVE

SICK DICKS/

LOOK AT THAT BODY...
MY X-RAY VISION 15
h, COMING BACK.

1 ^

SHES A KNOCKOUT...
AND I'M ONE VIRILE
VIGILANTE Z

144

ABLE ТО LEAP
TALL BLONDES
IN А SINGLE
BOUND

—
HE'S MORE У
POWERFUL THAN

поке Tan, ^_ -

SIEH/ UNFORTUNATELY
HE WAS FASTER THAN А
SPEEDING BULLET/

JEEPERS,
WANDA, I'M SORRY ў
YOU LOST YOUR
NEW JOB _

145

>
о
а

PLAY

TELEVISION

(continued from page 36)
in magazines.

This is not to propose that The Sopra-
nos is the filmed equivalent of classic lit-
erature. But it’s been pretty damned
good from week to week. And it points
the way toward improved, if not entirely
nev, entertainment for intelligent audi-
ences with the time to enjoy it. For time
is the secret ingredient of this show. Un-
like commercial movies, where the ante
is inexorably upped by special effects
and a frantic pace, and unlike programs
on network ТУ, where rigid formulas re-
quire high-revving action between com-
mercial breaks, The Sopranos dares to
take its good old time, whenever leisure
is indicated, on the valid assumption that
Viewers will watch anything worthy of
their attention.

As a result, scenes can breathe; they
can resonate with silence amid the funny
lines. In one episode, Tony, in the grip of
tumultuous feelings he couldn't fathom,
takes his daughter to church. Meadow
(what a perfect choice for her name!)

doesn’t want to be there and doesn't un-
derstand why her father suddenly needs
to talk about his grandfather and grand-
uncle, both long dead. Tony explains
that they were stone and marble workers
who came over from Italy; they helped
build the church. Meadow still doesn't
get it for the longest, quietest time, but
then she does. She gets her father’s sense
of connection, and his terror of ancient
ties being severed. We get, in a single
wordless moment, the drama of immi-
gration, the sweep of time, the distance
between parents and children and the
loss of faith that brought Tony to his sor-
Ty pass.

The other part of this production's ex-
cellence is no secret at all, though for
many writers and producers these days
it might as well be a lost art. The in-
gredient is curiosity, an eagerness to
explore every possibility that presents
itself. The show seems actively open
to ramification, whether serious, comic
or both. "That's why its situations аге so
deliciously unpredictable, its characters
and dialogue so fragrant. Father Phil, a
movie-nut priest who spends a night at

‘Tony's house while he's away, comes on
to Carmela, Tony's wife, in a scene that's
excruciating for its sexual and emotional
ambiguities. Топуз harridan of a moth-
cr, played by the usually patrician Nancy
Marchand in a slatternly style befitting
Edith Bunker, sounds like Archie Bun-
ker redux when she expresses her scorn
for psychiatry: “That's just a racket for
the Jews.”

The only false notes of the show’s first
season were the didactic ones, dramatic
lapses in which Jennifer Melfi and her
family suddenly became mouthpieces
for the message that all Italian Ameri-
cans aren't mobsters. Of course they're
not, and of course those were obligato-
ry scenes, intended to defuse possible
complaints. Yet it's a small price to pay—
that, and the cost of subscribing to HBO—
for such rich rewards. Even Melfi is
not what she seems. Instead of a stock
shrink, the show gives us a woman
whose professional status was probably.
hard-won, maybe at night school, and
whose ethical structure is more than
slightly imperiled by her own half-intuit-
ed taste for danger.

Movies form a matrix for character on
this show. Tony's son, Anthony Jr., sheds
any illusions about his dad’s career in
waste management when he secs federal
agents snapping photographs at a fami-
ly funeral. Tony's coked-up nephew
and shaky right-hand man, Christopher,
proclaims his movie love: “That smell
in Blockbuster? That candy-and-carpet
smell? I get high on it!” Christopher mis-
quotes The Godfather, insisting that it’s
Louis Brazzi who sleeps with the fishes.

In between his duties as a remorseless
enforcer Tony is busy writing his own
gangster-thriller script, though he can
barely write his name. He’s worried
about the movie books that say every
character must have an arc. "Where's my
arc?” he asks his dim-bulb friend Paulie,
who replies insouciantly, “Hey, I got no
arc either.”

Tony's arc couldn't be clearer—it's
curving precipitously down—and his
character would do any movie proud. A
slow blinker with a deceptively amiable
slouch and a sly, Peck's-bad-boy smile,
he's easy to loathe and impossible to hate
as he staggers, squinting, from his Mafia
cave into the light of partial self-knowl-
edge. “My son is doomed, right?” he asks
his doctor during one bleak session after
flashbacks of family life almost bring him
down. During another, as wrenching as
it is funny and bizarre, he speaks of his
horror at being likened to a Franken-
stein monster, and he ends up envying
a Hasidic victim his belief in God. ОР
course, the star of this singular TV epic
is indeed a Frankenstein monster, with
all the potential for good and evil that
such monsterdom implies. It makes him
hard to live with but great to watch.

THE SWEET SMELL
OF SUCCESS

LA GLORIA CUBANA MEDALLA DE ORO #1

The Dominican cigar that serves as the criterion by which all the others are
measured. Out of Castro's Cuba to the Free World, Ernest Carrillo's art
of Cuban Cigar making lives on in these premium Dominican cigars.

Cigar Aficionado awarded some of its highest accolades to

this prized cigar. "Му cigars are some of the closest

cigars to Cuban ones." Ernest is an authentic

master in the art of cigar making. A 6/4” x

43 ring cigar. La Gloria Cubana

is a relaxing experience that

tantalizes the senses.

Natural Wrapper.

LA GLORIA CUBANA

MY INTRODUCTORY OFFER
TO NEW CUSTOMERS

7 La Gloria Cubana Medalla de Oro #1 for $15.00;
Regular Retail $30.00.

THOMPSON CIGAR CO.

P.O. Box 31274 = Tampa, FL 33633-0537 Dept. T1464
Send me 7 Natural wrapper, La Gloria Cubana Medalla de Oro #1 (812015) For $15.00 + $3.95 shoping,
(Florida residents add 6% sales tax + appropriate county tax). ONE ORDER PER CUSTOMEI

Myname _

S Ост AREE
THOMPSON раз хаб. Charge to ту | "- Cimastercard ÛJ AmExpress U Discover -
80), ING

No. (Print Ай Digits) Exp, Dale
America's Oldest Mail Order By responding lo this offer and signing below, 1 certify that i am a smoker, 21 years of age or older.

Cigar Company. Est. 1915 TTT
OFFER EXPIRES ТИЗО OFFER NOT AVALADLE TO MINORS < OFFER GOOD ONLY IN THE USA

1-800-651-7745 Dept.-T1464 Fax: 813-882-4605

© 1995, Thompson & Co,, Inc. For additional offers of Imported Hand Made Premium Cigars at prices
up to 60% OFF, visit our website at: specials.thompsoncigar.com

Can You Buy A Better Game?

One of our favorite marketing entrepreneurs, Charles Man-
del, has gone golf crazy. After successfully founding and selling
two magazines, he decided the equipment-obsessed golf busi-
ness needed him. Charlie created an independent golf club-
testing service called Rankmark Inc. (rankmark@aol.com).

Rankmark tests clubs and sends uncensored reports to the
golf companies that subscribe to his service. After looking at
the results of thousands of tests from his core group of 180
users, Mandel has established rankings for clubs, plus a mass of
anecdotal reports. Here are some of his comments on clubs,
followed by a chart of his key recent findings:

“People hit clubs they like better than clubs they don't like,”
Charlie says. “A lot of this is in your head. If you dont like a
club—the way it looks, the way it feels you're never going to
hit it well. Right now, fairway woods are hot because for most
amateurs, the long second shot is the make-or-break factor in

CALLAWAY
HAWK EYE

ADAMS
TIGHT LIES

WILSON
FAT SHAFT

their golf scores

“In our tests of fairway woods, the Adams Tight Lies was the
best of the best. The Orlimar TriMetal was second. People also
liked the Callaway Big Bertha Steelhead, the McHenry Metals
and the Gobra offset. There’s also a very good Ram utility
wood. The Carbite seven wood was also good. Many of our
testers praised the Wilson three wood and the Air Bear 2 fair-
жау woods.

“The drivers that rated at the top in our tests are the Call-
away Great Big Bertha Hawk Eye, Taylor Made Ti Bubble 2,
McHenry Metals and Yonex Rekin Super 03 Titanium. Yonex
is something of a secret. People are surprised at how good itis.

very light for the mass of the head.

“Advanced golfers did well with the Titleist Titanium 9750,
Callaway's Biggest Big Bertha and the Yonex.”

About irons Charlie says: “The top-tier irons are the Wilson
Fat Shaft RM Tour, the Armour 845s Titanium face, Cobra off-
set and Mizuno. Tideist DCIs and Taylor Made were very
close. The Wilson Fat Shafts received more number one votes
than any other set of irons. They're solid; they swing
one-piece club.” Surprisingly, Mizuno forged irons, which
aren't as forgiving as cavity-back designs, do well in the tests,
"Good amateurs want to play them," says Charlie.

About Callaway's highly promoted Big Bertha irons, Charlie
says, “They're not for beginners. In our tests, novice players
didn’t do well with these clubs. Average and better players do

TAYLOR MCHENRY
MADE METALS
ORLIMAR CALLAWAY
TRIMETAL STEELHEAD

ARMOUR
TITANIUM-FACE

Charlie is not a convert to titanium. "T think it's overrated. I
don't think titanium gives more distance. It gives more com
fort. The testers had confidence in the titanium face on the
mours, so they put better swings on the ball more often."

When we asked Charlie how much distance players get from
new technology, he said, “The only clubs we saw that actually
increased distance were the Taylor Made Ti Bubble 2s. Other-
wise, people get the distance their swings give them. The
Hawk Eye fairway woods, for example, did well in the testing,
but you won't hit the ball longer than your average good dis-
tance." [This will come as a surprise—and challenge—to the many
golfers we know who swear by their Biggest Big Berthas and Tilleist
975Ds—ED.]

Other observations from Mandel: “Beginners should pur-
chase complete sets of woods and irons from a single company.
MacGregor, Northwestern and Spalding all make solid sets for
the novice golfer.

“Golfers of average skill should purchase woods and irons
separately,” he says. " Top-Flite's Muscle shafts help get the Бай

YONEX
REKIN

MCHENRY
METALS

COBRA
OFFSET

in the air faster. Wilson Fat Shafts, Cobra offsets, Armour 8455
and the new Nicklaus AirMax irons are good for average play-
ers.” According to Rankmark's tests, advanced golfers will ben-
efit from irons made by Callaway, Mizuno, Ping and Titleist.
“The Adams driver is noteworthy,” says Char-
lie. “It comes in three different face angles to
help cure slices and hooks. That technology
works.”
Charlie makes an informed observation
about wedges. “Wedges are money clubs,”
he says. “People want to play the same
wedges that pros play. But the pros tam-
per with their wedges more than any
other dub. The wedges you can buy off
the shelf aren't the same as those the pros
use. Everybody wants to play Titleist Vokey
wedges or Cleveland wedges because they
look so good. But you have to be a player to
make the ball spin like the pros." —
Finally, Charlie says, “It’s not the arrow, it's
che archer. The technology has produced
clubs that help amateurs play better than

they could play with clubs that were

made 30 years ago. But if you havea
bad swing, you'll hit. had shots. Noth-
ing will do as much for you as im-
proving your swing."

GOLF '99

(continued from page 124)
how successful they are. It isn't unheard
of for a top player to receive $30,000 for
a one-day fund-raiser. That explains
why the dichotomy of lifestyles can be so
stark. Greg Norman has a new 142-foot
yacht with four staterooms and a crew of
nine. Its estimated value: $10 million.
Kevin Sutherland still has his 1991 Hon-
da with 180,000 miles on it. Estimated
value: $2000.

Though more players buy into time-
share deals on small jets, Norman is the
king of toys (jet, helicopter, yacht). On
a smaller scale, Frank Lickliter's black
Humvee turns heads in parking lots. But
fishing is the most popular hobby on
"Tour. Nancy Cain travels the Tour pro-
moting Fenwick graphite shalts. As an
entree, she outfits players with the com-
pany's fishing gear.

You don't see a lot of partying. Golf is
a game of balance and today’s pros feel
hitting a golf ball with "waves behind
their eyeballs" is a sure way to miss a cut.
“Т don't think there is a lot of that on any
tour. Instead of having a few beers, they
go work out," says Kevin Wentworth,
who looks like Jack Armstrong in Ash-
worth duds.

It may be an indication of innate
blandness that the best perk on the PGA
Tour is the child care provided during
tournaments. However, it is child care
PGA-style: The Tour contracts a firm
to work all tournaments, so providers
have to travel with the golfers. It sounds
like a lot of trouble just to keep some
kids occupied, but the PGA Tour wants
everyone to be comfortable with the
providers.

Anything to make it like home. Fred
Funk's favorite place to play is Houston
because for that week he stays with a
family and gets to share in everyday life
—backyard parties, Little League games,
a lived-in home. For all its luxury, life on
"Tour is full of pressure. It's nomadic г
lonely. There is hardly any soci:
among players. Jesper Parnevik of Swe-
den feels there is more of that in Europe
because tournaments there are held at
а site with one large hotel. “Here, ev-
eryone is in 42 different places,” Parne-
vik says.

The increased purses make the PGA
"Tour more attractive. The qualifying sys-
tem known as Tour School, wherein a
player earns the right to play, grows larg-
er every year. In other words, there is
more competition for all that money. It
isn't easy.

“It is their business," said Steve Mata,
who works for Titleist as a promotion
manager. His job is to get Titleist clubs
into players’ bags. "There is so much
money out here that they won't do any-
thing that might screw things up.”

HOW

Below is a list of retailers and
manufacturers you can contact
for information on where to
find this month's merchandise.
To buy the apparel and equip-
ment shown on pages 25, 39-
40, 92-95, 114-115, 120-
121, 124-127 and 171, check
the listings below to find the
stores nearest you.

WIRED

Page 25: “New Kid on the
Tech Block”: TV by Loewe,
877-563-9388. “It's in the Bag”: Notebook
computer bags: By Glaser Designs, 800-
234-1075. By Shaun Jackson Designs, 888-
662-4300. By Tumi, 800-322-8864. By
Kipling, from Tumi, 800-546-4564. “Wild
Things”: Computer by Sharp Electronics,
800-237-4277.

MANTRACK

Page 39: "Sit Behind This Desk, Hotshot”:
Furniture by Haworth, 899-344-9600.
“You Have to Know When to Fold 'Em":
Knives: By Gerber, 503-639-6161, gerber
blades.com. By GT Knives, from Pioneer
Valley Knife and Tool, 800-956-4337. By
Columbia River Knife and Tool, from А.С.
Russell, 800-255-9034. By Spyderco, 800-
525-7770. Page 40: “Now You're Cook-
in"; Cuisine machine by Vorwerk USA
888-867-9375. “Guys Are Talking About”:
Preshave oils: By Aramis, at fine depart-
ment stores. By Art of Shaving, 800-696-
4999. By American Crew, 800-598-2739.
Laser range finder by Bushnell, 888-276-
5945. Car by Saab, 800-GET-SAAB.

HEMINGWAY STYLE
Pages 92-95: Laptop desk and safari bag
from Hammacher Schlemmer, 800-543-
3366. First edition book from Asprey and
Garrard, NYC, 219-688-1811. Fountain
pen by Montblanc, 800-388-4810. Flask
from Beretta Gallery, NYC, 212-319-3235.
Serengeti side stand from Thomasville
Furniture, 800-225-0265, thomasville.
com. Hemingway Cookbook, available at
local bookstores, from Independent Pub-
lishers Group, 800-888-4741 or through
hemingwaycookbook.com. The Heming-
way Review, University of Idaho Press, 16
Brink Hall, Moscow, ID 83844-1107, 800-
847-7377.

CLOTHES ARE HIS FRIENDS
Pages 114—115: Sweater by Missoni, at Nei-
man Marcus stores. Jacket and tie by

Hugo Boss, 800-HUGO-BOSS.
V-neck by Dolce and Gab-
bana, at Barneys New York,
NYC, 212-826-8900 and
Beverly Hills, 310-276-
4400. Pants by Sandy Dalal,
at Saks Filth Avenue stores.
Suit and shirt by Helmut
Lang, at Barneys New York
stores.

CANCEL CASUAL
FRIDAYS

Pages 120-121
menegildo Zegna, at Ermenegi
and Saks Fifth Avenue stores. By Calvin
Klein, at Bloomingdale's stores. By Donna.
Karan, at Saks Fifth Avenue and Barneys
New York stores. By Valentino Cravatte,
800-785-2347. By Joseph Abboud, at Bloom-
ingdale's and Nordstrom stores. By Ralph
Lauren, 800-494-7656, and at Blooming-
dale's and Saks Fifth Avenue stores. By
Alfred Dunhill, 800-541-0738. By Robert
Talbott, 800-747-8778, and at Nordstrom
stores and Bergdorf Goodman, NYC, 212-
753-7300. By Mondo di Marco, Garden
Gity, New York, 516-877-0707, and Boca
Raton, 407-394-3119, and at Syd Jerome,
Chicago, 312-346-0333. By Audrey Buck-
ner, at Louis, Boston, 617-262-6100, Bar-
neys New York and Nordstrom stores. Ву.
Lanvin, at Bergdorf Goodman, NYC, 219-
753-7300, Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman
Marcus stores. By Paul Smith, NYC, 212-
627-9770. By Burberry, at Burberry stores.

GOLF 99
Pages 124-127: Golf bag by Wilson Sport-
ing Goods, 800-629-0444. Golf clubs: By
Wilson Sporting Goods, 800-622-0444. By
TearDrop, 800-868-7984. By Mizuno USA,
800-333-7888. Ву Taylor Made, 800-888-
2582. By Adams, 800-622-0609. By Call-
ашау Golf, 800-228-2726. By Orlimar, 800-
833-4266.

ON THE SCENE.

Page 171: "What Goes Around Comes
Around": Turntables: Ву Music Hall, 516-
487-3663. From Technics, by Panasonic
Electronics, 800-211-7262. By Rolel, 800-
370-3741. By Rega Research, 423-521-
6464, from Holm Audio, 630-663-1298.
By Thorens of America LLC, 718-847-4289.
By Oracle, 819-573-5488, from Holm Au-
dio, 630-663-1298.

(CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY BY. Р 3 PATTY BEAUDET FRANCES (21. ©) MARY CROSS, BENNO FRIEDMAN, GEORGE GEORGIOU. HEN:
RV HONENSTEIN. JUDITH JACKSON, ANNE LEHMAN. JOHN ROE, Р 7 RICHARD MCLAREN. STEPHEN WAYDA P 11 ELAYHE

ER P 112 FROM "DO YOU WANT TO MARE MONEY OR WOULO YOU RATHER FOOL ARCUNGI- С 1999 BY JOHN D. SPOONER

149

PLAYBOY

150

MAN SHOW (continued from page 128)

Lesbians have hobbies because they don’t have guys to
work on. In lieu of busting a guy's balls, they golf.

and need no excuses?

JIMMY: I fart a lot, and my wife never,
ever farts. It's a weird thing because, you
know, we eat a lot of the same stuff.
Maybe there is some difference physio-
logically between men and women. But
she gets crazy. She gets so mad when Im
just lying in bed farting, which is every
night. She threatens that we’re gonna
have different rooms and all this stuff,
and I just laugh harder. It just makes me
laugh so hard that sometimes I get stom-
ach pains from laughing. 1 can see how
it’s disgusting, but on the other hand, I
have no plans to slow down.

ADAM: It's an interesting point you bring
up, because women physiologically don't
operate that much differently from men.
They drink a certain amount of fluids,
they urinate a certain amount, they defe-
cate a certain amount, blood pumps at a
certain rate—everything's the same but
the fart. I don't think farting gets culti-
vated in them at a young age.

A tip to women as far as the farting
goes: If you don't want your guy to fart,
do not make the mistake of laughing or
even coming close to accepting it, be-

cause that's a big green light. That's all
he needs. If the very first time Jimmy
farted in front of Gina, she said, “I can’t
believe you would show me that disre-
gard. Don't ever do that again,” and re-
ally spun out, it would have set a differ-
ent tempo.

On the other hand, it’s important for
men to break wind early and often in a
relationship and really let the women
know where they stand.

PLAYBOY: How can we disable the inbred
female imperative to make projects out
of their boyfriends and husbands?
JIMMY: You can't disable it. The only
thing you can do is fight it as much as
possible. Occasionally they might have a
good suggestion.

ADAM: Women's hobbies are guys. We got
cars, we got model stuff, we got sports,
we got hobbies; they don't have hobbies.
Their hobby is you. You look like a big
fucking Erector set to them. That's what
they see: some kit that’s not finished.
Interestingly, lesbians have hobbies be-
cause they don’t have guys to work on.
In lieu of busting a guy’s balls all day,
they go play a round of golf.

СДА

“Реал, I think Гое found the perfect place for your den!”

PLAYBOY: Women on trampolines: They
like it, we like it. Is it one of the inten-
tions of your show to celebrate life’s un-
complicated pleasures?

Jimmy: Our show is about what is true
and what isn’t. It’s no bullshit. I mean,
Baywatch, VIP, these shows are T and A
shows, but they pretend to have a plot
in all that stuff. We are not pretending;
we have girls jumping on trampolines.
That's as honest as it gets. We like to
watch girls on trampolines. We're not
going to make them carry machine guns
and pretend to be busting up some kind
of drug run. We just want to look at the
nipples.

ADAM: "The Pope's in town, Pamela, he's
going to need protection. It’s gonna be
hot out there. We better wear something
loose fitting." just put heron the fucking
trampoline.

PLAYBOY: What are the only acceptable
things to say when opening a gift from
your girlfriend or wife?

Jimmy: Fm always very honest and it piss-
es my wife off, but when you're married
it's like it's your money and she's wasting
it. My wife will get me gifts sometimes,
and I look at them and 1 can't imagine
who her husband is, For Valentine's Day
my wife bought me this art deco digital
clock at a flea market. I wanted to just
throw it right into the garbage, because
it is exactly the opposite of anything I
might possibly want. It was ugly. I had
no idea why she bought it for me. I said,
“1 hope that wasn't expensive." "It was
kind of." "Can't take it back, can you?"
"Море, flea market." "All right, well, I
guess we ought to hold on to it cause it
cost money." But I haven't seen
that day and I will never see it again.
ADAM: It's ironic: When your wife buys
you a gilt, she buys it with your money.
She could buy you a Rolls-Royce, but
you'd be pissed off because it means you
bought yourself a Rolls. It's sort of like
when they give you something from
your pet or from your five-year-old. The
kid didn't go buy it and the cat didn't
go buy it. You bought it and it got re-
cycled through them. It’s like money
laundering.

PLAYBOY: Describe a perfect day off for
a тап.

JIMMY: I like being in the house alone be-
cause I can masturbate in rooms I'm not
normally allowed in. It's really great
when you live with people. I would not
want to live alone; I'd get stir-crazy after
a while. But when you live with a family
and then have the whole house to your-
self, it's like when the dog gets out. Its
running and sniffing everything and
leaving its scent.

ADAM: Yeah, you can pee in the sink, run
around in your underpants. And when
you cook, you take the time to fix some-
thing weird, like waffles, or something

messy.

Lucy Liu

y (continued from page 119)
they're a quarter of the way up they are
exhausted and they've blown themselves
out. Women usually have stronger legs.
It's called the four points—if your four
points are even, then your energy is dis-
persed in a good way. It's a Zen way of
working out. You feel like you're reach-
ing a goal. You have to try it to under-
stand it. It’s actually a really safe sport
if you do it right, because уоште com-
pletely locked into the rock. If you do
fall, you should be hanging—everything
should be attached.

PLAYBOY: How good can а non-Asian get
with chopsticks? Any tips?

Liu; Pretty good. There's a right way to
use them and I don't use them properly.
I have friends who are Canadian and
Caucasian and American who use chop-
sticks much better than I do. I don’t use
them properly, but I get the food and
that’s the most important thing.

PLAYBOY: You're an artist. Do you under-
stand the reviews in Artforum?

Liv: They reviewed a piece I saw in New
York titled White on White. It was white
canvas with white paint on it. They went
into this whole breakdown of the idea
behind it. After a while you start think-
ing, Wow, it was a really good idea for
this person to paint white on white. It’s

CRUISER

revolutionary. In reality it was white on
white—anyone could have done it. I
think art is subjective. I applied for ап
NEA grant once. I submitted slides of
my work along with an impassioned es-
say. They ended up giving the grant to
somebody who was handing out dollar
bills in Mexico. It was about the energy
of giving the money out. I was really
pissed off. I don't understand that ог
things that are really abstract. I’m a visu-
al person. I understand that modern art
is different. 1 can appreciate it to a cer-
tain degree, but it kind of pisses me off.

PLAYBOY: In Payback, did Mel Gibson
come quietly or did you have to rough
him up a bit?

Liv: Roughing up is always а good thing,
never forget that. Everybody likes to be
roughed up. And I don’t think any man
comes quietly. Mel is a great guy.

PLAYBOY: Are we condemned to choose
one from column A and one from col-
umn B, or are we free to choose whatev-
er we want from all over the menu?

LIU: In my life, I choose from every col-
umn. People grow and change. You
learn about stuff, you get more experi-
enced, you learn you were ignorant be-
fore. You can't expect to know every-
thing. I wasn’t allowed to watch Three's
Company when 1 was growing up because
it was about two women and a guy liv-
ing together. We always sneaked in and

watched it even though we weren't sup-
posed to. When you start categorizing
things, that's when people go crazy. You
want column B because you're in col-
umn А. You want anything you don't
have. But you shouldn't deny yourself
anything.

PLAYBOY: Do you get off on the idea of
having a love slave?

LIU: I get so off on it. It's great. I love it
because he bows down to me and it's
such a feeling of power. His weakness is
something that's just delicious. Weak-
ness can be delicious, but only when [Al-
ly McBeal co-star] Greg Germann deliv-
ers it. Sometimes it’s just like, Good
Lord, get the spatula, get the jellyfish off
me. But when Greg does it, it's like quiv-
ering. You just want to slap him, and
when you do, he enjoys it. He eats it up.
The more he enjoys it, the more you en-
Јоу it. So we work off each other's energy.
Plus, he’s so powerful in his everyday life
as a lawyer and a money fiend that it’s
nice to see him get down and quiver.

PLAYBOY: Is this real acting for you, or do.
you see where it comes from?

Liv: It's hard for me. I was so terrified
the day I had to lick Fish's finger, be-
cause it was so phallic. I was on the verge
of tears because it was like I was selling
my soul on national television—licking
this guy's cock, practically. If anything, it
would get me a second job at the Pink

1 FEEL LIKE I'M
AT WIMBLEDON!

PLAYBOY

152

Pussycat Theater. I was so terrified, and
then I just did it. I wasn't sure how to
feel about it. Тћеп I had to do it again a
few episodes later and it was easier. I
guess it was easier because I'm accepting
myself more as a woman people are at-
tracted to. I’m seeing that I can be a
leading lady doing these things.

PLAYBOY: If you thought Calista Flock-
hart were too thin, you'd tell her, right?
Liu: No, I wouldn't. I'm just not close
enough to her to tell her something like
that. I think she looks great. She is in
great shape. If people thought I were
too heavy, I'm not sure Га want them to
tell me. It's a personal issue.

PLAYBOY: Your character, Ling, describes
men as horny toads. [s that so wrong?
LIU: It's not so much that it's wrong, be-
cause women are horny toads too a lot of
the time. Sometimes women want to go
out and screw and leave in the morning
just like some guys do. I just happen to
think that, as a whole, women are a lot
more emotional and need a certain
amount of security that men don't al-
ways have the ability to offer. It’s a social
issue, it's a gender issue, and it's some-
thing that gets in the way. But it's not
particularly bad.

PLAYBOY: How can you avoid being a то-
ron in love?

LIU: Can't. You have to be a moron in
love. That’s the fucked-up thing about
love. I've done so many stupid things.
When I'm really into something I'm in it
all the way. I'll do almost anything with-
out thinking about it until the relation-
ship is over. Then I just think about what
a fucking idiot I was. You give yourself
100 percent to the relationship or to the
person and you can't think straight.
Your mind is somewhere else. In fact,
Hallmark should make a Valentine's Day
card that says, “Thank you for being
such a moron.” Maybe ГИ do it if this job
doesn’t work out.

PLAYBOY: What are the danger signs that
a relationship is over the top?

Liu: When there's а lot of unnecessary
drama in the relationship. When you
walk in the door and he's got his penis
hanging out of his pants. Normal stuff.
He has gone and got a scrotum tuck—
that's when you know something's gone
wrong. You know, those telltale every-
day things.

PLAYBOY: Asian sex secrets—myth, hype
or just plain good sense?

LiU: The mystique should live on, baby.
Everyone thinks what they do is really
mysterious and wonderful and unique
and that they're the best lover in the
world. Everyone should have that men-
tality, or they should try to improve on
it. The Asian mystique 15 that you don't
talk and you look really small. That's the

"Those who forget their previous marriages are
doomed to relive them."

attraction. Keep your mouth shut and
turn over! I don't know what the Asian
sex secrets are—if somebody has them,
let me know.

PLAYBOY: Can you envision an adult film.
based on The Karate Kid?

LIU: Yeah, Whacks On, Whacks Off.
Enough said. No one's ever forgotten
that phrase. There have been so many
funny spoofs on films. I get a kick out of
them, though I don't know if I would
ever actually want to go to the theater to
see them.

PLAYBOY: What is the best message you've
received in a fortune cookie?

110: [Pulling them ош of her wallet] Be as-
sertive and you will win.” “You will be
unusually successful in business.” “Get
away from home for a while to restore
your energies." That's the best one.
"Your talents are in fine shape, utilize
them to their fullest."

PLAYBOY: Which of men's many short-
comings should they get over?

иш: If you're working and they're not. If
you have money and they don't have
any, it's not a big deal. If he has a small
penis, I don't give a shit. I don't want to
hear about it. I don't want him constant-
ly talking about it. It’s so ridiculous, so
silly. The more he emphasizes it, the
more I’m going to focus on it. Shut up!
I'm no expert on men's shortcomings,
but I think there's a certain amount of.
ego involved with most men—that's
what makes men men. 1 love men. They
are extremely odd animals of prey.
"That's what makes them so wonderful. ТЕ
anything, men are mysterious. If you try
to break everything down and analyze it,
you're going to have too much informa-
tion on your hands. You're not going to
know what to do with it. You have to ex-
perience it as it is. If it doesn't work out,
move on to the next one.

PLAYBOY: What would you order in a bar
to signal sexual readiness?

Liv: Listen, honey, if 1 order anything
ina bar I'm ready. I'm not a heavy drink-
ст If I drink at all, 1 start getting loose
and feeling pretty crazy. I think alcohol
makes you feel immortal, like you can
jump of a building or leap in front of a
car. [ love drinking sake, and som
ГЇЇ have an Absolut and cranberry with a
lime or something like that. But I have
to do it with somebody I’m really com-
fortable with and who 1 can eliminate
the next day. Who won't be missed? I
can put him out of his misery,

Make Money
(continued from page 122)

ny?” I've asked. “How do they treat their
employees?” In all cases I got wonderful
reports about the decency of manage-
ment and the work ethic it fosters. The
trucks are always spotless, as contrast-
ed with one of their competitors, whose
vehicles seem ill maintained. I like to in-
vest in companies that reflect pride in
what they do. I bought the stock at $12.
It now sells at $29 and the reasons I
bought it are just as compelling today.

“THE MOST HATED COMPANIES

These stories and themes bear repeat-
ing, particularly when the timing seems
right. I often believe in going against the
grain of popular investment thought. I
believe in being a contrarian. If you take
this route in investments, or in life in
general, you stand the risk of being
wrong, sometimes for long periods, until
the crowd turns your way. But when it
does turn your way, prices almost always
go much higher than the average smart.
person expects.

А classic example from several years
ago is drug stocks, vilified and shunned
by most of Wall Street when Hillary
Clinton and Ira Magaziner were ad-
dressing (to the investment community's
horror) the issue of health-care reform.

I was buying Merck in the high teens
(recently above 70), and Bristol-Myers
around 15 (recently at 70), when Bristol
was even yielding on its dividend alone
in the five percent range. “How can you
be buying the drug stocks?” clients
asked. “They've lost their pricing power.
It's all over.”

“Open your eyes and look around,” 1
said. "I'm getting at least five calls a week
to look into long-term health care (nurs-
ing homes and the like) for my clients
and/or their parents and grandparents.
Demographics say that the elderly are
growing exponentially in number, they
all take drugs in increasing amounts and
they're living longer. Every day the drug
companies come out with new remedies
for what ails us, and it's a whole lot
cheaper to take a pill than to be hospital-
ized. And I'm excited because [ can buy
these companies so cheaply."

Merck, for example, has more than
quadrupled in the past four years. When
certain stock groups are out of favor, the.
reverse is true: They almost always go
lower than even smart people would
imagine. Over the years, knowing the
psychological nature of market behavior,
I've tried to nibble at my favorite areas,
buying them slowly and holding cash
back to take advantage of even lower
prices if they occur. For instance, if I like
a beaten-down stock and it’s selling for
$20, I'm disciplined enough to say, “Iam
going to buy 1000 shares for myself,” and
then buy 300 shares. One almost never
buys at the lowest point unless it is, as I

call it, dumb-ass luck. Usually the stock
trades lower sometime later, and I will
add to my holdings gently, perhaps 100
shares at a time, until I lower my cost av-
erage. And eventually I accumulate my
1000 shares. If you have an investment.
portfolio, always make sure you have
flexibility—that is, some cash on the side.
If your funds are completely committed
to the market, you cannot add to your
holdings when prices decrease.

What happens to the most hated com-
panies? Often a catalyst comes in, most
likely in the form of new management
that intends to revitalize the dormant
company. In the past several years this has
happened at IBM, American Express,
Time Warner and AT&T—companies
that were reviled on Wall Street and, if
accumulated during their years in the
desert, turned out to be major winners.

Another part of this discussion is the
squeeze syndrome—when you desper-
ately need money for taxes, or tuition,
or any variety of pressing reasons and
you have to sell stocks to raise the cash.
When you need to liquidate almost any-
thing, you'll get the worst prices. It's like
needing a job. When you desperately
want employment, the interviewer can
usually spot your desperation. When
you act as if it’s the last thing you need,
when you're confident and loose, you
project that attitude and suddenly every-
one wants you. Life is not fair, of course.
So you know that when you're squeezed
for funds, your stocks will be at fire-sale
prices. That's the squeeze syndrome.

"IHE JUDICIOUS USE OF MARGIN DEBT.

Most people who own homes have
mortgages. And they have credit card
debt. Seldom do people who maintain
stock and bond portfolios incur any mar-
gin debt from borrowing against their

accounts. But this borrowing can some-
times be a useful tool.

Say you need $15,000 for a tax pay-
ment and you have a $100,000 portfolio.
of stocks and bonds. I might say, "Don't
sell anything now to raise the $15,000. It.
will diminish the value of your holdings
to $85,000 and probably result in capi-
tal gains taxes on what you're selling—
a double whammy. Temporarily borrow
the $15,000 (you can borrow up to half
of your portfolio value and get the funds
immediately if you sign a simple margin
agreement). This borrowing ensures a
couple of things: You continue to get
all your dividends and interest on the
$100,000 value, because you haven't
sold anything, and you are charged in-
terest on the loan, typically about a point.
over the prime rate, which accrues on
your account. You do not need to send
in a monthly check. And you receive an
offsetting credit for your margin interest
against any dividend or interest you re-
ceive, so there is some tax benefit from
the borrowing."

"rhe Kicker here is that I expect, in
managing my clients’ money this way, to
repay the borrowings from assets that
are appreciating. If the portfolio increas-
es in value, I will get the debit balance
down, selling dribs and drabs from each
position so as to be conscious of the tax
implications. I have done this success-
fully for years, not going overboard in
borrowing, as that may jeopardize the
account, but meeting emergencies with
common sense and using the clients’ as-
sets to their advantage. This process
takes constant attention on the part of
anyone who is watching your money.

BELLWETHERS IN THE MARKETPLACE

There is a famous story, perhaps apoc-
ryphal, about the market. Supposedly, in

“How about it, honey? Nothing says true love better than
а $2 glow-in-the-dark condom.”

153

PLAYBOY

1929, Joe Kennedy was having his shoes
shined on Wall Street. The man doing
the shining was holding forth on his own.
market performance and his current fa-
vorites. Kennedy went right from his
shine to his office and heavily sold the
market short and made a killing during
the crash of 1929. The obvious lesson is
that when the shocshinc boys are play-
ing the market and winning, it's time to
head for the exits. Everyone who watch-
es the money of others has favorite su-
perstitious signals for the tops and bot-
toms of market cycles. 1 have had dozens
of clients over the years who think they
are unique in saying, “You want to make
money in the market? I have а foolproof
formula: Just do the

opposite of every-
thing I do.” Th
people, of course,
are trying to ward
off the evil eye. They
don't really mean it
and they aren't real-
ly signals for the top.
Signals come from
people who act con-
trarily to their usu-
al behavior. For in-
stance, a woman in
Oregon, а client of
mine for 20 years,
called me when the
Dow Joncs industri-
al average was flirt-
ing with 10,000. She
had never called me
before. Her hus-
band, a doctor, had
always checked in,
assessing the health
of the family portfo-
lio. “I’ve never taken
much interest in fi-
nances," she said to
me, "but I've just
joined an invest-
ment club and I'm
curious about some
issues." I'm happy
she's becoming in-
terested. But at
10,000 on the Dow?
This was a classic
sign of being close to a top. In the sum-
mer of 1998, I saw people whose chil-
dren were out of the house moving from
the suburbs into the city. Because of the
growth of their stock accounts in the past
few years, these people were priding
themselves on paying more than the ask-
ing prices for houses and condos. One
man moved into town and, in a sealed
bid, offered $250,000 more than the ask-
ing price for an apartment. “Hey, Јоса-
tion, location," he told me. “If it’s a pri-
mo building, I can't ever lose money."
From 1990 until the past several years,
you couldn't give apartments away, or
sell commercial space at premium pric-

154 es. Americans, more than any people

on earth, forget pain as soon as it disap-
pears. All memory of gas lines, reces-
sions, wars, the daily obsessions with
moncy supply or the Nikkei average is
gone. We are natural optimists, which, as
a national characteristic, is wonderful.
But never say never, or think that this
time it’s different. It's not. Look for your
bellwether signs.

When money seemingly has no mean-
ing and is being thrown at goods—hous-
es, art, common stock—we are heading.
for a painful adjustment. It's just a ques-
tion of when. Remember, trends run
much longer in both directions than the
average person thinks they will.

Signs of junctures in markets corre-

or Eli Lilly or Gillette, or some oth-
er splendid company—stock from my
grandfather, and I took it to my friends
at the local bank. They have a trust de-
partment. They told me that 1 had much
too much Coca-Cola, that I was too con-
centrated and that I had to diversify.”

“It's too risky,” the bankers said, “for
you to have all those eggs in one bas-
ket. Sell at least half the Coca-Cola stock
and spread the proceeds over a variety
of investments.”

1 say this is bad advice. Fifteen years
ago I was given a perk by my company—
free counseling from an expensive firm
that did executive planning. At the ime
I had a good deal of my net worth in
American Express
stock (indeed, it rep-
resented the larg-
est part of my assets
outside of person-
al real estate). After
looking over my fi-
nancial situation, my

MODEW OF ЯНЕ FEAR

Our Reader's Choice poll left no doubt
as to who is this year’s most wanted
Book of Lingerie model. It's Christi
Taylor, and you'll collect your reward the.
moment you turn to the first page. You'll
also see more than 50 other Playmates
and models, get a head star! on next
year's voting and learn how you can win
a trip to а BOL photo shoot! (See the
Book of Lingerie for detalis.)

Book APFT9912 $6.95

ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494

Most majar credit corks acople Source Code 0852).
ORDER BY MAIL

dude cedit ord su. st поте: und expitaton dole
or sand a hack or money order to Playboy, PO. Bor 809,
Stare Cede 03529, Mosca, лов 60143-0809. 5350
shipping-and-hord?ng charge рег totol order. Winois
sist nde 675% sales lor.

(везет oder ара plene voit our йе lor ober
foreign ores)

Now you an she o Pay’ Book of Lingerie, For най
$3995 (917 i Corada— c $322 GST) jov gel sis ses
lead your doo You ако receive Роу Sexy, Story
Sy viden rs wilh yur aid subscription. Order by Phone: Col
1-80) 463938 od ve yox пей cord. Oke by Май Send
dhe or monay oder Playboy's lock of Linge, РО Ba 3256,
Harn, око 51593 [due spel cade HOLD). ore

ylor

young counselor
told me, “The first
thing you have got
to dois diversify. You
have way too much
American Express."

"Are you rich?" 1
asked him.

“Not yet," he ad-
mitted. "But I have
high hopes."

“Well,” I said,
“ГИ tell you some-
thing that my fa-
ther told me. The
only way you can
get truly rich in our
society is to own a
business that can be
sold, potentially for
a lot of money. No
matter how much
you make in annual

Salary, you're going

Vt th Playboy Sore ot wan ployboysore от

spond with people’s mood swings and
with pronouncements such as “IBM will
never come back,” or “American Express
can never recover.” Same for Chrysler,
banks, drugs, Union Carbide after Bho-
pal, Con Ed after it cut its dividend long
ago, and endless other stocks that were
once declared dead. Another classic sign
of a top is when the investment busi-
ness is the first career choice for Har-
vard Business School grads, Remember
that human nature never changes—only
buzzwords do.

YOUR STAKE IN LIFE STOCK

1 frequently hear variations on this
story: “I inherited all this Coca-Cola"—

to spend it or have
the rest of it taxed.
You'll never accu-
mulate enough to
be rich. If you don't
оюп your own business, you have to own
enough stock in a public company to set
you free when and if the stock moves up
substantially in price. I believe in Ameri-
can Express,” I told the counselor. "It's
tough to kill a great name, no matter
how hard management may try to. I
don't want to work this hard forever. So
I'm not selling any of my American Ex-
press. As a matter of fact, ГИ keep accu-
mulating it on weakness.”

That’s what I told the counselor who
advised me to diversify. The stock was
then around $35 a share; recently it sold
for $125, not counting dividends of 90
cents per share, or the spinoff of Leh-
man Brothers stock, then at around $20,

TESTOSTEROL

| HORMONE SUBSTITUTE
dy Building Break

ISE OF THIS PRODUCT HAS BEEN KNOWN
TO INCREASE SEX DRIVE IN MEN!

e are among the fines! inthe
your body bulding n eeds. Re BUE
ша grectest Body Builders and athletes w

pou
READING IN A TEST DESIGNED TO DETECT ANABOLIC STEROIDS,
120 capsules
995+ 959/1
Ref #:P22
100% Money Back Guorontee
1 (800) 491-1716

www.pyramidnutrition.com

=
PYRAMID NUTRITION

CORPORATION

TIRED OF BEING
CONSIDERED
SHORT? Ту our
quality footwear. |
HIDDEN height
increaser inside
shoes, Will make

100 styles. Extremely comicrtabie. Discreet packaging.
Sizes 5 to 12, Widths B to EEE. In business since 1939.
МОМЕУВАСК GUARANTEE! Call or write for FREE
color catalog. www.elevatorshoes. sf

ELEVATORS? [I

RICHLEE SHOE COMPANY DEPT.PBS8
РО. BOX 3566, FREDERICK, MD 21705

Discover what

you're missing!

If your дате is pool ог

бай, dortmissour FREE // O; |
bigger-than-ever color

catalog. In it you'll find a huge selection of
supplies, gifts and clothing-all at low wholesale

prices! Shop and save in the comfort of your
home, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

Send or call today for a free catalog:
800-627-8888
Mueller Sporting Goods
Dept 7, 4825 S 16th St
Lincoln NE_68512

which now sells at over $70 a share. So
much for diversification.

Years ago I called this process having
your Stake in Life stock. It is a way to
have your own company. It is your op-
portunity to build a real net worth in the
stock market through concentration.

For years, every time I would see an
enormous portfolio, it was almost always
an estate that came in for me to liqui-
date. These estates usually had a sam-
pling of wonderful companies that had
been bought for pennies a share (ad-
justed for splits), and they had never
been sold over many years of ownership.
This experience taught те а lesson: You
can accumulate great wealth if you buy
the best companies and hold them, if
you do not trade them in for other
merchandise.

Refining this further, I believe that to
structure the ideal financial life you
should identify, as early in your working
life as possible, one or two companies
that you believe in for the fixture. I don't.
care what those companies are, but they
should share certain characteristics:

(1) They should have universal ap-
peal, like GE or Gillette or McDonald's.

(2) They should have instant name-
brand identification, like Coca-Cola or
Microsoft.

(3) You should dispassionately believe
that the products or services these com-
panies provide will continue to be in de-
mand for years to come— products or
services you and your family find special.

Start to buy one of your choices, even
in small amounts, through stock dis-
counters so that it is a low-cost enter-
prise. Reinvest the dividends in stock if
you can. Treat this exercise like a savings
account, contributing the same amount
every month, or on a special date like a
birthday.

Every time the stock goes down 15 or
20 percent (and there will be plenty of
times like that over the years), you
should buy more. This takes discipline.
And the smartest among you, when the
market dips, will shout, “Hooray! Now I
can add to my Stake in Life company at
bargain prices.”

Your Stake in Life stock is not for sale,
unless some predator takes it off your
hands in a buyout. But by then it will
undoubtedly be a long-term capital
gain and you can begin the hunt for the
next gem.

Your very few Stake in Life stocks
form the core of your holdings. Every-
thing else will build around this core:
bonds, preferred stocks, the common
stocks that you will buy and sell at vari-
ous times.

Of course, the more of something you
hold, the higher the risk. But as a
wealth-building strategy, concentration
over time with well-thought-out compa-
nies can set you free.

INTRODUCTORY SALE! EE
60% SAVINGS!

CONDOMS
BY MAIL

$9.95!

Adam & Eve offers you a tull line of high
quality condoms with discreet, direct-to-your-
door delivery.

Our deluxe 75 condom collection offers
you the unique luxury of trying over 14 world-
class condom brands including Trojan,
Lifestyles, Prime, Magnum, Gold Circle
Coins, plus some of the finest Japanese
brands.

As a special introductory offer, you can get
the Super 75 Collection (a full $29.95 value if
purchased individually) for ONLY $9.95.
That's a savings of over 60%! Or try our 38
Condom Sampler for only $5.95. Use the
‘coupon below to claim your savings now!

loney-Back Guarantee: You must agree
that Adam & Eve's condoms and service are
the best available anywhere, or we'll refund
your money in full, no questions asked.

Visa, MasterCard & American Express
Orders Call

Toll Free 1-800-274-0333
24 Hours A Day / 7 Days a Week
Adam & Eve, РО. Box 900, Carrboro, NC 27510

MAN WITH PAYMENT
‘or Bank Money
Alam Adan & Eve • Dept
Ру Lo. Во Cartero, ke 27510

I YES! Please rush my CONDOM COLLECTION in plain
packaging under my money-back guarantee,

45554 Super 75 Collection $9.95
46623 38 Condom Collection — $5.95
Postage & Handling FREE
Rush Service Add $2
TOTAL

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!

PLAYBOY

Stanley Kubrick

(continued from page 90)

him. “Fuck,” said Stanley, “this car isn’t
much good.” A joke, or a genuine
grouse?

Could it be that Stanley had become
slightly detached from reality? When
Emilio was driving him to London, Stan-
Jey became puzzled. “Why are all these
cars on the road?" “Because people go to
work, Stanley.” “Why don’t they work at
home?” “Why are you in a car, Stanley?”

Being a low-slung car to climb into,
the white Porsche was not used much,
even though once a week Emilio
switched on the engine to charge the bat-
tery and check that everything was in
working order. Eventually a letter ar-
rived from Porsche UK: Dear Mr. Kubrick,
We are distressed that you are abusing our

fine engineering product by not having it ser-
viced regularly. . . . Brandishing this letter,
Stanley confronted Emilio. “It says here
you are abusing the Porsche.” “But no
опе uses it,” Emilio protested. “1 am try-
ing to save you money, Stanley! Save you
£400 minimum service fee when the car
needs no service!” “Well, I don't know. It
says here. . . . The head of Porsche UK
needed to write a personal letter to Stan-
ley before the catastrophe relapsed into
a mere mishap.

Just as well that Emilio had a sense of
humor! We got on so well during our
regular trips that he reactivated the
Porsche for me, and 1 even started learn-
ing Italian from him. “Stanley ё nostro
zio,” we would chorus: Stanley is our un-
de. It was Emilio who resolved my puz-
zlement as to how Stanley could always
be wearing exactly the same clothes,
which while rumpled had not yet be-
come filthy. When Stanley found some-

thing he liked, he bought many spares.
He was not in fact dressed in the self-
same jacket and trousers, as I thought,
but in identical replicas all in much the
same used state. His scruffy sneakers,
however, were the one and only pair.
Christiane had recently bought him a
new pair, which he dutifully wore for a
few days before begging Emilio, "Look,
lose these, will you?”

Stanley did adore acquiring things.
“Do you know what the essence of mov-
iemaking is?" he asked me. "It's buy-
ing lots of things." The Labor Party was
responsible for the fact that nothing
bought in Britain worked properly, so he
preferred to buy from overseas. When
Full Metal Jacket was filmed in England, а
plastic replica of a Vietnamese jungle
had been airfreighted in from Califor-
ia. Stanley took one look at it and said,
“I don't like it. Get rid of it.” The techni-
cians parceled out the trees, giving a new
look to gardens in North London, and a
real jungle was delivered instead—palm
trees uprooted from Spain.

I discovered in Boots the Chemists a
highly suitable bag for carrying my pa-
pers, a free gift with each purchase of a
£15 bottle of French Caractére after-
shave. When next I visited Stanley he
admired the bag. The time after, he ad-
mired it even more. “That isa very good
bag, Ian." "Well, you can't have it,” I told
him, "unless you buy a bottle of French
aftershave.” Promptly he picked up a
phone. “Tony, call Boots in St. Albans. . . ."
This was done. Two bottles of aftershave
and two bags remained in stock. "Buy
them both, Tony," Stanley instructed.
"Drive into St. Albans and get them
now.” Half an hour later, Tony delivered
the loot to the ex-billiard room. Happily
Stanley ripped the cellophane off one

wearer to Ensure confidentiality

bag and patted it. Two months later, bot-
tles and bags still rested in the same
place on the carpet.

On the 2nd of August Iraq invaded
Kuwait, and five days later America be-
gan deploying Desert Shield in Saudi
Arabia. Stanley became much preoccu-
pied by the psychology of Saddam Hus-
sein and global strategy. as the director
of Dr. Strangelove well might. "Caught be.
tween Iraq and a hard place," he pre-
dicted over salmon.

October arrived: mellow fruitfulness
and chilly nights. Saddam continued to
cause concern. “If he nerve-gases Israel,
will the Israelis nuke Baghdad?"

I faxed, I disked. But a Bermuda Tri-
angle was beginning to emerge, a zone
in which disks and secret text could go
astray. Catastrophe struck in early No-
vember when Tony phoned to report
that Stanley had lost a disk. Paranoia
deepened. A week ог so later, Stanley
phoned to say he had lost another disk.

Eventually, at the end of the year, Stan-
ley told me to write up the whole story in
90 pages, omitting, on his orders, some
of what I thought were the best bits. At
times I couldn't help feeling that the un-
folding story was ridiculous and that
perhaps Stanley was leery of tossing his
cap back into a ring now dominated by
the likes of Steven Spielberg. Blessedly,
the resulting pages seemed to read pret-
ty well.

Three months later, just when I
thought it was safe to answer the phone,
Stanley called. "Ian, you know that sto-
ry you wrote for me?" How could I
have forgotten it? "Well," he went on, "I
lost it."

"You lost it," I repeated numbly. "It's
on disk too."

I. um, wrote over that disk.”

“You wrote over the disk,” I muttered.
And no, it wasn't on his hard drive.

I supplied a replacement printout and

isk.

“This,” declared Stanley, “is one of the
world’s great stories. Would you write a
short synopsis of it 1 can show to peo-
ple?” I was rehired for a week to write 20
pages. 1 faxed, I disked

"It's great,” said Stanley, before utter-
ing the fatal words: “I might just tinker
with it a little.

A year went silently by. Ring, ring:
Stanley had suddenly remembered the
project. He had lost all the material
again. Up the motorway came Emilio.

“What's Stanley been doing for the
past year?” I asked.

“Mainly, Ian, he has been sitting in a
room watching a dog die."

Special pills had been flown in from
California. “1 had to sit in that room
too," Emilio said. “The dog stank. For
ten days it could not eat. It could not
shit. Stanley kept feeding it the mira-
cle pills." When the crisis had at last

occurred, at eight one morning, Emilio
hastened to waken Stanley. "Stanley, you
must get up.” “What's it dying now for?"
Stanley had complained.

Emilio announced: "Ian, I have given
notice to Stanley. I am quitting."

"What?" I cried.

“Yes. 1 have given him three years’
notice."

"Three years, hmm?

Another year passed and the phone
rang again. Stanley was really eager to
get on with the project. Unfortunately,
he had Lost the Material.

Stanley ignored Emilio's countdown.
One year to go, Stanley. Six months.
"Three months. "You must pay attention,
Stanley—you must make other arrange-
ments." Stanley would not listen. Zero
hour arrived; Emilio had already sold
his house. Stanley refused to let him go
and rented a house for him to live in for
another six months, At last, at long last,
Emilio escaped to his vineyard.

"Throughout the Nineties misinforma-
tion appeared in the press or on the In-
ternet. Stanley was about to start filming.
the life of Coco Chanel. He was about to
start filming in Bratislava a movie set in
the aftermath of communism—this came
as a considerable surprise to the media
liaison for Slovakia, whom I happened
to bump into. Special effects wizards in
Hollywood had built a robot boy for
Stanley, who was about to begin filming
AI in Ireland. . . . (And maybe a robot
boy is indeed palely loitering in the bil-
liard room.)

But lo, Stanley did film—very pro-
tractedly—Eyes Wide Shut, starring Tom
Cruise and Nicole Kidman. The rumor
circulating on the Internet was that he
agreed to do this for Warner so that they
would release vast sums of money for Al.
Eyes Wide Shut takes place in New York
(though the film was shot in England, of
course), and apparently in one scene the
Cruise and Kidman characters buy an
enormous teddy bear. Was this an omen?

And now Stanley is dead, of a heart at-
tack, just after finalizing Eyes Wide Shut.
Two other collaborators, who followed
me and who had been sworn to secre-
cy, have emerged: writer Sara Maitland,
brought in to provide a feminine and
feminist fairy-tale spin to the robot-Pi-
nocchio saga, and artist Fangorn (alias
Chris Baker), whom Stanley hired to
produce a thousand drawings of futuris-
tic images and who was on the point of
moving into the manor house full-time
when Stanley decided that with Eyes
Wide Shut under way he could no longer
also concentrate on 4! for the time be-
ing. But we all feel АГ was the tremen-
dous movie that it was Stanley's main
and enduring ambition to make.

Summer Sweat

(continued from page 142)
know that the woman with whom he was
involved was musically ignorant. Adri-
ana said, hurt, “I suppose Pegreen gets
it? Yes?” Gregor shrugged. Adriana said,
“If your music is so rarefied, then the
hell with it.” Gregor laughed, as if one of
his children had said something funny.
He kissed her aggressively on the mouth
and said, “Right! The hell with it.”

‘There was the terrible week in late Au-
gust near the end of their affair when
Adriana believed she was pregnant.
Several times in haste they'd made
love without using precautions, so it
shouldn't have been a surprise, yet it was
a surprise, a shock that triggered both
terror and elation. Her wish to die was
pervasive as a dial tone: You lift the re-
ceiver, it's always there.

But no. Why die? Have the baby.

And maybe you'll wind up your lover's one
true love.

Even Adriana’s mocking voices were
shrill with hope.

Every new Institute fellow was sum-
moned to have tea with Edith Pryce in
her airy, high-ceilinged office in the old
pink limestone manor house, and Adri-
ana's turn had come. This would be a
polite ritual visit during which the distin-
guished older woman would query the
younger about her work, Edith Pryce
was a dignified woman in her early 60s,
so severely plain as to exude a kind of
beauty; she wore her ashy white hair in a
tight French twist and had а way of ele-
vating her chin as if gazing at you across

an abyss not only of space but of time.
She'd been a protégée of Gregory Bate-
son's in the Fifües and had a degree
from the Мем York Psychoanalytic Insti-
tute. In her elegant office there were an-
tique furnishings, an Aubusson carpet
and a baroque brass birdcage suspended
from the ceiling. It was known at the In-
stitute that each tea with Edith Pryce be-
gan with admiring reference to the cage
and to the red-gold canary inside, which
Adriana supposed was the point, for
Edith Pryce was a shy, coolly self-protec-
tive woman who did not like surprises.
Adriana, blinking tears from her eyes,
which were already raw and reddened,
exclaimed, “How beautiful your canary
is! Will he sing?” Edith Pryce smiled and
said that Tristan sang usually in the ear-
ly morning, inspired by wild birds out-
side the window. Originally, she told
Adriana, she'd had two canaries, this
"red-factor" German male and an Amer-
ican yellow female; while Tristan was
courting Iseult, he sang continuously
and passionately; but once they'd mated
and Iseult laid her five eggs, and five
tiny fledglings were hatched, both ca-
naries were frantic to feed their off-
spring and Tristan ceased singing. “I fi-
nally gave away Iseult and the babies to
a dear friend who's a canary breeder,”
Edith Pryce said with a stoical air of re-
gret, “and for weeks Tristan was mute
and hardly ate, and I thought I would
have to give him away, too—then, one
morning, he was singing again. Not as
beautifully as before but at least he was
singing, which is what we expect of са-
naries, after all, Chickadees and titmice
are his favorites.”

Adriana was attentive and smiling. She

DEAR ROBERT.

ALWAYS THOVOHT TRYING ТО
в MAN. OUT TI +
THE WRON! a али

FIND HIM ILL BE НОМ

FIND THE

НТ / MARRIED

IE I DONT |
E BY SEVEN:
LovE DORIS

у, МЕЛ

159

PLAYBOY

How to use them without disappointment.
ү сап use sex toys to enhance, rejuvenate,

play, or as а special treat. Perhaps that's
why 50 million Americans are favorably:
disposed to vibrators and other sex toys—
according to the“Sex in America” survey
More than a catalogue. The Xandria Collection
of sensual delights celebrates new possibili
for pleasure and loving—perhaps many that
ted!

you never knew

Rely on our 100%, three-way Guarantee.
For25
able with us, because:

our customers have felt comfort-

1.We guarantee your privacy. Everything we
ship is plainly packaged and securely wrapped
with no clue as to its contents. Transactions
are strictly confidential e never sell, give, or
trade the name of any customer.

2.We guarantee your satisfaction. If a product
seems unsatisfactory, simply return it within
60 days for a prompt replacement or refund.
3.We guarantee that the products you choose
will keep giving you pleasure. Should it mal-
function, just return it to us for a replacement.

We'll mail your catalogue within 24 hours!
and
we'll apply its $4.00 price when
you place your first order.
Welcome to a new world
of enjoyment.
www.xandria.com/pbm.htm

Collection, Dept. PB0899
РО. Box 31039, San Francisco, CA 94131-9988

Send for your catalogue no

Xandria Gold Edition
т for $4.00. t0

3UK)

Зар
160 I. ee

How to order them without embarrassment.

wore tinted glasses to disguise her rav-
aged eyes and a not-quite-clean white
shirt tucked into a denim skirt that, in
other circumstances, showed her trim,
sexy, tanned legs to advantage. Her hair
seemed to have grown coarse overnight
and strands were escaping the thick un-
wieldy braid damp as a man’s hand on
her upper back. She opened her mouth
to speak but could not. Help me. I think
I'm going crazy. Гое misplaced my soul. 1
married the wrong man and 1 love the wrong
man and I want to die. Гт so exhausted but I
don't want my lover to outlive me, I know he'll
forget me. Im so ashamed, I despise myself but
I'm afraid, afraid to die

Suddenly Adriana was crying. Her
face crumpled. She was stammering,
“I'm so sorry—Miss Pryce, I d-don't
know what's wrong Tears burnt like
acid spilling from her eyes. Through a
vertiginous haze she saw Edith Pryce
staring at her, appalled. A telephone be-
gan to ring and Edith Pryce waited a mo-
ment before picking up the receiver and
saying in an undertone, “Yes, уез—ГИ
call you immediately back.” By this time,
Adriana understood that Edith Pryce
had no interest in her emotions, that the
emotional life was in itself infantile and
vulgar, and that in any case, she, Adri-
ana Kaplan, was far too old for such be-
havior. She rose shakily to her feet and
stammered another apology, which
Edith Pryce accepted with a frowning
nod and evasive eyes.

As Adriana fled the office she heard
‘Tristan, excited by her weeping, chitter-
ing and scolding їп her wake.

‘The first time was in an unexpectedly
hot May. Swift and sweetly brutal. A kind
of music, Gregor Wodicki's kind of mu-
sic. Afterward Adriana would recall it as
sheer sensation. My God, I can't believe this
is happening, is this me? yielded to dazed,
gloating Г can't believe I did that. It had
seemed to her an accident, as if two on-
coming vehicles had swerved into each
other on the Thruway. She and her hus-
band had attended an Institute recital
featuring the premiere of a bizarre com-
position of Gregor Wodicki's, a trio for
piano, viola and snare drum; Gregor
himself played the piano with minimalist
savagery, grimacing at the keyboard as if
it were an extension of his own body.
During the tense 18 minutes of this
piece, Adriana fell in love. So she would
tell herself and, in time, Gregor. (Except,
was this true? Undressing for bed that
night she and Randall joked that that
contemporary music “made no sense" to
their ears, they much preferred Mozart,
Beethoven, the Beatles.) But shortly а!
terward Adriana and Gregor Wodicki
met again and were immediately attract-
ed to each other, and drifted off together
in earnest conversation that ended in ап
abrupt encounter down beyond the old,
rotting stables in the romantic pine-

woods. This was an ordinary weekday af-
ternoon in May.

Recalling long afterward that first,
probing touch of Gregor Wodicki's. The
man's fingers on her wrist. A question,
yet also a claim. Like touching a lighted
match to flammable material.

How am I to blame, I'm not to blame, it's
something that is happening, like weather

The last time, after Labor Day, sultry-
humid heat illuminated by veins of dis-
tant lightning, they'd met in the pine-
woods, though each was fearful by this
time of the other. Adriana knew by this
time she wasn’t pregnant; after her hu-
miliating encounter with Edith Pryce
she'd begun to bleed, and bleed and
bleed, and it was over now, the hysteri-
cal pregnancy, though in weak moments
through her life she would fantasize that
in fact she'd been pregnant with Gregor
Wodicki's child, the single pregnancy of
her life and this precious fetus she'd mis-
carried because of the extremes of emo-
tion to which she and Gregor subjected
each other. In her dreams, Adriana sees
the stricken young woman making her
way like a sleepwalker through the maze
of bar-like trees. Determined not to no-
tice the evidence of other careless lovers
in these woods; teenagers who trespass,
leaving behind the debris of burnt-out
campsites, beer cans, junk food wrap-
pers, condoms. Condoms strewn like
translucent slugs amid the pine needles.
Adriana saw a used, wrinkled condom
with a flurry of tiny black ants crawling
excitedly into it, and she gagged and
turned away.

But the last time was very different
from the first. Gregor's breath was
fumed with alcohol, his face beaded with
sweat and his eyes dilated, he'd stared
at her as if not recognizing her and was
reluctant to touch her, not gripping her
rib cage and lifting her as always with
his hard, hurting hands. Their kisses
seemed misdirected, tentative without
being tender. Despite the heat, Gregor
carried a jacket. Adriana expected him
to spread it on the ground but he did
not; his manner was vague, distracted,
and he made no effort to defend him-
self when Adriana accused him of not
loving her, of just using her, and she
slapped him, struck him with her fists,
weeping not in sorrow but in rage. Can't
believe this is happening! And I have no
choice.

There was a moment when he might
have struck her in return, and hurt her.
Adriana saw the flash of hatred in his
eyes, but he only shoved her from him,
muttering, “Look, I can't. I've got to get
back. I'm sorry.”

Adriana would one day think calmly,
with the wisdom of Spinoza, It must ћар-
pen to everyone. The last time you make love,
you can't know it will be the last.

After Gregor, and after her own mar-

паре dissolved in sullen slurs and ге-
criminations, Adriana embarked upon a
number of love affairs. These were ex-
plicitly love affairs, so designated before-
hand. Some were single-night encoun-
ters. Others, not even an entire night. By
the age of 33, she'd acquired a repu-
tation as a bright, aggressive critic of
American culture who lived a good deal
in Rome. She was a sexy, witty girl. She
wore blue-tinted metallic designer glass-
es and consignment-shop clothing of the
highest, most quirky quality. She favored
silk, brocade, cashmere. She wore her
trademark braid like a bullwhip halfway
down her back and did not dye it as her
hair began to turn prematurely silver.
Women were attracted to her as well as
men. Gay men "saw something" in her: a
deep erotic fury not unlike their own.
You made me into а slut, Adriana wanted то
inform Gregor Wodicki, but she wasn't
certain he'd appreciate her humor. Ог
that this was evidence of humor.

Twenty-three years after that steamy
summer, Adriana Kaplan has returned
for the first time to the Rooke Institute,
to attend a memorial service for Edith
Pryce, recently deceased at the age of
84. One of the first people she sees is,
not surprisingly, Gregor Wodicki: now
“Greg,” as he prefers to be called, the
current director of the Institute, Adriana
knows, because malicious informants
have told her, that Gregor, now Greg,
has gained weight in recent years, but
she isn't quite prepared for the bulk of
him. No other word so fitting: bulk.

Adriana thinks, shocked and offend-
ed, Am 1 expected to know that man? 1
am not.

Not that Gregor Wodicki is obese, ex-
actly. He carries his weight, an extra
60 or 70 pounds, with dignity. His face
is flushed and gleaming, his hair has
turned gunmetal gray, grizzled, lifting
about his dome of a head like magnetic
filings. He's wearing a dark gray pin-
stripe seersucker suit into which his bulk
fits like a sausage. Adriana feels а stab of
hurt, that that body she'd known so inti-
mately and loved with a fanatic's passion
is so changed; yet she seems to be the on-
ly visitor who's surprised by his appear-
ance, and Gregor, or Greg, seems wholly.
at ease in his skin. Seeing Adriana, he
makes his way to her with an unexpect-
edly predatory quickness for a man of.
his size, and shakes her hand. There's a
moment's hesitation and then he says,
"Adriana. Thank you for coming."

As once, years ago, he murmured in
triumph, You came!

Adriana manages to say politely that
she’s come for Edith.

“Of course, dear. We've all come for
Edith.”

Dear. A quaint, ambiguous word. Dear,
he would never have called her when
they were lovers.

During the ceremony, Adriana studies
the face of “Greg.” Though this is a
solemn public occasion, clearly her for-
mer lover is relaxed in his role as orga-
nizer and overseer. Where once he was
contemptuous of such formalities and
distrustful of words (“You can't lie in
music without exposing yourself, but
any asshole can lie in words. Words are
shit.), now he speaks graciously and
with a winning frankness. He introduces
speakers, musicians. He’s become a fully
responsible adult. His eyes are rather
sunken in the creases of his fattish face
yet they're unmistakably his eyes; inside
the middle-aged mask of flesh there’s a
young, lean, handsome face peering out.
The mouth Adriana had kissed so many
times, sucked and moaned against, more
familiar to her once than her own, is a
curiously moist red, like an internal or-
gan. Where Gregor was, now Greg is.
Amazing.

Adriana never returned to the Rooke
Institute after quitting her appointment,
but of course she’s been aware, at a dis-
tance, of her former lover. He hasn't
been a practicing composer or musician
for years. Adriana had avoided musical
occasions when his compositions were
performed and skimmed reviews of his
work in New York publications—these
were infrequent, in fact but never at-
tended a concert or recital. There were
recordings of his work, but she made no
effort to hear them. He'd wounded her
too deeply, it was as if part of her had
died and with that the entirety of her
feeling for him. What she's heard of him

was unsought: He and his wife Pegreen
never formally divorced, though they
lived apart a good deal, and there was
trouble with one or more of the chil-
dren, and Cregor remained at the Insti-
tute and Pegreen came to live with him
during her ordeal with cancer, until the
time of her death. Surely Gregor had
had other affairs, for he, too, had power-
ful attractions for both women and men,
and sexuality seemed to have been for
him as natural an expression as touch-
ing, with as few consequences, for him.
The surprise of Gregor Wodicki's life
would seem to have been his late-bloom-
ing talent for administrative work. He'd
been appointed by Edith Pryce as her
assistant, and had taken over after she
retired.

A vague rumor had it that Gregor had
been a lover of Edith Pryce. Adriana
rather doubted this, but—who knows?
She came to suppose she'd never really
known him at all, except intimately.

Three beautiful pieces of music are
performed during the memorial service
by resident musicians. One is by J.S.
Bach, another by Gabriel Fauré, and the
concluding piece a quartet for strings
and piano by "Greg Wodicki.” A spare,
delicate, enigmatic piece that ends not
abruptly but with a dreamy fading away.
Adriana, listening closely, blinks tears
from her eyes and wonders bitterly if
“Greg” might have revised the piece
since Edith Pryce’s death, to emphasize
its elegiac tone. The date for the compo-
sition is 1976, the year following their
breakup. The music he'd written in the

“I must say, Miss Thompson, you have an impressive
sales pitch. I'll take one.”

161

POLAR eB OY

162

early Seventies had been harsh and un-
compromising, indifferent to emotion.

Hypocrite, Adriana thinks, incensed.
Murderer.

Adriana has declined an invitation to a
luncheon after the memorial service, yet
somehow she’s prevailed upon to re-
main; fortunately, she isn’t placed at the
head table with Gregor, or Greg, and the
distinguished elderly friends and col-
leagues of the late Edith Pryce. Midway
through the lengthy meal, she becomes
restless and excuses herself from the
dining room and drifts about the first
floor of the old manor house, which had
been deeded to the Institute in 1941
with 90 acres of land and numerous out-
buildings. Since 1975, Rooke House, as
its called, has been attractively remod-
eled and refurbished. In a large, paneled
library, Adriana skims shelves of books
by current and former members of the
Institute and is flattered to discover two
of her five books; one is her first, a study
of American Modernism (art, theater,
dance), a slender work published by the
University of Chicago, well enough re-
ceived in its season but long out of print.
Here it is on the library shelf without
its jacket, naked and exposed; probably
it's been here for 15 years, unopened.
Stamped on the spine, barely legible, is
the author's name: Adriana M. Kaplan
(M' for Margaret). Beside Adriana's
books are titles and authors she's never
heard of. She feels a wave of vertigo but.
overcomes it, managing to laugh. Have I
exchanged my life for this?

As if she'd had that choice.

Though Adriana intended to return
to the city immediately after the lun-
cheon, somehow she finds herself in the
company of her former lover, who in-
sists upon showing her around the Insti-
tute grounds—"D'you like the changes
you've seen, Adriana? We've been fixing
things up a bit.”

"This is a modest understatement. Adri-
ana knows that since “Greg” Wodicki
became director of the Institute, he's sin-
glehandedly embarked upon a $10 mil-
lion fund-raising campaign, and the
most immediate results are impressive.
Several new buildings, a beautifully ren-
ovated barn now a concert hall, land-
scaping. parking lots. Adriana says yes,
yes, of course the changes are wonderful
but she rather misses the old slapdash
style of the place: leaking roofs, rouing
barns, water-stained facades, uncultivat-
ed fields. "But that was another era,
Gregor points out. "A nonprofit foun-
dation like the Rooke could survive on
low-investment returns and the occa-
sional quirky millionaire donor. But no
longer."

Adriana wants to ask, Why nol?

After the initial shock of their meeting
there was a suspended space of time (the
memorial service, the luncheon) during
which Adriana and her former lover
seemed to have come to terms with see-
ing each other again. But now, sudden-
ly alone together, in the stark June
sunshine, they are entering another
phase, of belated excitement and appre-
hension. Heavyset Gregor is breathing
through his mouth, Adriana is feeling
stabs of panic. Why are you here, what the

“I just love your dinner parties. I find the conversations
at table so intriguing!”

hell are you trying to prove? And to whom?
Our most fervent wish is for a former
lover's defeat, deprived of our love; at
the very least, we wish to appear tran-
scendent, wholly free, indifferent, of that
lost love. During the luncheon Adria-
na had noticed that Gregor was glancing
in her direction, but she had ignored
him, talking earnestly with guests at her
table. But now they're walking along
a graveled path side by side, like old
friends. Gregor glances down at his bulk
with mild exasperation and bemuse-
ment and sighs, “I have changed a bit,
eh, Adriana? Not like you. You're beauti-
ful as ever.”

Adriana says coolly, “I've changed,
too. Even in ways that can be seen.”

"Have you?" Gregor's tone is clearly
skepti

As if mildly brain. damaged. or drunk,
the two are walking haphazardly along a
path between two stone buildings; away
from Rooke House and toward the pine-
woods. Now, midafternoon, the air has
turned humid, almost steamy. A sudden
sharp odor of pine needles makes Adri-
ana’s nostrils pinch in dread.

Where are the old stables? Razed to
make way for a parking lot.

Where is the overgrown path she'd
taken into the woods? Widened now,
neatly strewn with wood chips

Though they descend a hilly slope in-
to the shadowed woods, Gregor's breath-
ing becomes steadily more audible and
his now rather clammy-sallow skin is
beaded with sweat. He's removed his
scersucker jacket and tic, rolled up the
sleeves of his white dress shirt, but much
of the shirt is sweated through. If this
man were a relative or friend, Adriana
would be concerned for his health: the
bulk of that body, at least 240 pounds,
dragging at his heart and lungs.

Inside the woods, there are the sweet,
clear cries of small black-capped birds
overhead. Chickadees?

Impulsively Adriana says, "That brass
birdcage of Edith’

Gregor says, “We still have it, of
course. In Edith's former office, now my
office. It’s an expensive antique.”

“And is there a canary in it?”

Gregor laughs, as if Adriana has said
something slyly witty. “Hell, no. Who has
time to clean up bird crap?”

They walk on. Adriana takes care not
to brush against Gregor, whose big body
exudes, through his straining clothes, an
oily sort of heat. She hears herself say-
ing, in aneutral voice, “I never told you.
Near the end of—us—1 broke down in
Edith Pryce's office. She had invited me
for tea. 1 began crying suddenly and
couldn't stop. It was like a physical as-
sault, I was a wreck. I seem to have
thought 1 was—pregnant."

"Pregnant? When?"

Gregor's reaction is immediate, in-
stinctive. The male terror of being.
trapped and found out.

Adriana says, "Of course, I wasn't.
I hadn't been eating much and I was
taking Benzedrine some irresponsible
doctor was prescribing for me and 1
was clearly a little crazy. But I wasn't
pregnant.”

“Jesus!” Gregor says, moved. Не
would pause to touch Adriana’s arm,
but she eases out of reach. “You went
through that alone?”

“Not alone exactly,” Adriana says, with
subtle malicious irony. “I had you.”

“But—why didn't you tell me?"

Adriana considers this. Why? Their
intense sexual intimacy had somehow
excluded trust.

“1 don't know,” she says. “I was terri-
fied you'd want me to have an abortion,
you'd never want to see me again. I w:
n't prepared for that.” She pauses, aware
of Gregor staring at her. His eyes: wet-
ly alert, blood-veined, living eyes peer-
ing through the eyeholes ofa fleshy, flac-
cid mask. “I thought it might be easier
somehow to—die. Less complicated.”

This preposterous statement Gregor
Wodicki accepts unquestioning. As if he
knew, he'd been there.

“And what did Edith say to you?"

"Nothing."

“Nothing?”

“As soon as I cried, she cut me off, She
didn’t want to be a witness. Maybe she
knew about us. But she didn't want to
know more. She allowed me to see my-
self for what I was: a hysterical, selfish,
blind and neurotic woman."

“А woman needing help, for Christ's
sake. Sympathy."

“It was a good thing, | think. Edith
Pryce's response."

*Do you!" Gregor says, snorting.

“Yes! Yes, I do."

In angry silence Adriana walks ahead.
What are they quarreling about? Adri-
ana's heart is beating rapidly, she isn't
prepared for such emotion after so
many years, it’s like ascending to a too-
high altitude too quickly. She’s recalling
their last time together in these woods.
Shed anticipated lovemaking and there
had been none. Gregor’s strange edgy
behavior. His breath that smelled of
whiskey, his queer dilated eyes. She sees
the tall, straight pine trees; so like the
bars of a cage; a vast living cage in which,
unknowingly, they'd been trapped. Erot-
ic love. Deep sexual pleasure. Those sen-
sations you can't speak of without sound-
ing absurd and so you don't speak of
them at all until at last you cease to ex-
perience them and in time you can't be-
lieve that others experience them. You
can only react with derision, You're
anesthetized. Telling yourself, It's behind
me now, Гое survived.

“That last time we saw each other,
somewhere around here, I think?” Greg-
or says casually, wiping his forehead
with a much-wadded tissue. “Or may-
be—farther down by the river?”

As if the point of this is where.

Adriana glances at Gregor and sees
that he's smiling. Trying to smile. His
teeth are no longer uneven and discol-
ored but have been expensively capped.
Yet there are the sunken, damp eyes.
‘The flaccid froggy skin. Is she falling in
love with this man again? Adriana Kap-
lan’s “genius” prince, turned into a frog?

Never. She'll never fall in love with
anyone, again. Nor does she like the
drift of this conversation. Tempting her
to betray 23 years of stoic indifference.

"They walk on. The air is slightly cool-
er here, a quarter-mile from the river.
Gregor begins to speak impulsively, ram-
blingly. “Y'know, Adriana—I don't re-
member every minute of that summer,
to be frank. I'd been ‘mixing’—taking
speed, drinking. Pegreen was giving me
hell. She was seriously suicidal. But 1
couldn't leave the woman, and I couldn't
give you up. I was obsessed with you,
Adriana. And jealous of you and your
marriage. And my ‘youth’ passing. And
my ‘genius.’ My fucking music like ash-
es in my mouth, That last time we met

here, you never knew—I brought with
me, in the pocket of my khaki jacket—
Pegreer's revolver.”

Adriana is sure she hasn't heard cor-
rectly. "The—gun? You had a gun with
you, here?"

“I must've thought—it was crazy of
course—I'd use it on you, and then on
myself. Jesus" Gregor blows out his
cheeks and rolls his eyes in the adoles-
cent-boy gesture Adriana recalls from 23
years ago when he'd narrowly missed.
crashing the station wagon.

In the pinewoods, in the strangely
peaceful airless air of summer, Adriana
Kaplan and Gregor, or Greg, Wodicki
stare at each other. Then, unexpectedly,
they begin to laugh. Pegreen's .32-c:
iber revolver, in the pocket of Gregor's
jacket. How absurd, how embarrassing.
Gregor's laughter is deep-bellied, a con-
tagious hyena laugh. Adriana’s laughter
is almost soundless, quivering and spas-
modic, like choking.

АТИНУ

LOOM КОТЕ Онг

"It's performance art, madam. I've lost my grant.
Please give generously.”

PLAYBOY

BRAND

PLAYBOY

166

SHANNON ELIZABETH

(continued from puge 131)
strong work ethic and what looks to be
an exceedingly bright future. She was
born in Houston and raised in Waco,
Texas, lived fora spell in New York City
and only recently relocated to Los An-
geles. She has already guest-starred on
several television shows, including an
episode of the critically acclaimed HBO
series Arliss (in which she played а sexu-
ally precocious Russian tennis star) and
the recent television movie Dying to Live
with Jonathan Frakes. Shannon has also
appeared in several independent mev-
1е5, among them Dish Dogs with Matthew
Lillard and Brian Dennehy and Seamless

with Kentaro Seagal.

"I just want to work," Shannon ad-
mits. Her look is casual in Adidas gear as
she sits in a Sunset Strip coffeehouse not
far from the home she shares with her
boyfriend, actor Joe Reitman (and a
menagerie of dogs she's rescued from
various streets and shelters). "It doesn't
matter to me whether it’s television or
film, comedy or drama. I'm just happy
being on a set. I get bored easily, so I
want to keep working."

Although Shannon definitely had а
great time and made her biggest career
splash by playing a high schooler, she
would rather live in the present than
look back on her own teen years. “Now is
a much better period in my life than

“Sorry, George—I couldn't sleep. . . .”

high school was,” says Shannon, remem-
bering her school days in Waco. It's not
that she didn't enjoy herself: She kept
busy as a cheerleader, a member of the
dance team and the student council and
an avid tennis player. She also dated a
popular baseball player.

“Some of high school was fun,” she
confesses. “But I felt like I was always
struggling to be popular: Part of me felt
popular, but I never felt fully accepted.
My school was way too cliquey, 100 much
about the way you looked, about y:
hair and makeup, about who you were
dating, who your friends were—stupid
stuff. It should have been fun, but it
wasn't. I'm having much more fun now."
She scarcely needs to add this, but she
does: “The things my character does in
American Pie and the things that happen
to her—high school was nothing like
that for me."

Besides her acting, Shannon's fun
these days includes presiding over her
website (shannonelizabeth.com), which
by the time you read this may actual-
ly include a webcam. (That idea was
inspired by some memorable scenes in
American Pie.)

And then there's PLAYBOY. With her
modeling experience from her stint back
in Manhattan, Shannon took quite easily
to posing in the nude—even though, she
says, “I never thought about my body
when I was young. Coming from Texas, 1
grew up on fried chicken and mashed
potatoes and gravy, and I used to eat
cookies-and-cream ice cream twice a day.
But I was always active and thin, so I nev-
er gave any thought to my weight. 1 de-
veloped late, and I don't remember look-
ing at my body at all.”

Shannon still figures she’s “not the typ-
ical PLAYBOY girl,” so she wanted the pho-
tographs to be artistic and different. She
wanted her pictorial to reflect the strik-
ingly various ways she can appear before
the camera. Working with photographer
Davis Factor at a mansion in the Holly-
wood hills, Shannon says the sessions
were intentionally free-form: "We did
have a couple of setups in mind, but
nothing was planned. I think it's always
best if you let yourself go wherever the
moment takes you."

Now she's waiting to see where the ex-
perience takes her. "My manager and
boyfriend keep trying to put ideas in my
vhat PLAYBOY could do for
ће admits with a laugh,
“and I keep trying to ignore them. I try
not to have any expectations. They're
Just pictures of me. It’s really not a big
deal, is it?"

Let her keep that innocent outlook for
now; no doubt Shannon Elizabeth will
soon learn that she is indeed a big deal.
Chances are pretty good that we won't
be saying bye-bye to this Miss American
Pie any time soon.

PLAYMATE * NEWS

festival and egg hunt. These days,
more than 2000 eggs are decorated
and hidden on the Mansion grounds.
At the sound of Hef's bullhorn, Play-
mates and their husbands, friends
and children are given 30 min-
utes to find as many eggs as pos-
sible. Then the results are tallied
and prizes are awarded, "It's a
| unique event," 1999 Playmate
ee) of the Year Heather Kozar re-
ports. It gives new meaning to
> the term Playmates at play.
b

20 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH

Before there were Playboy Bun-
nies, there was the Easter bun-

ny. So each April, Playboy

Dorothy Stratten was an angel-
ic 19-year-old from British Co-
lumbia who was discovered in
the 1978 Great Playmate Hunt.
“I'd like to be com-
petent in all types of
acting—romance,
drama, comedy, even
horror,” Miss August
1979 said in her pic-
torial. Not surpris-
ingly, Dorothy was
named 1980 Play-
mate of the Year
and had her eye
on stardom, with
memorable roles
in Galaxina and
They All Laughed.

But Dorothy's Dorothy Straten”
story ended trag-

ically when she was murdered
by her possessive husband after
he learned she was leaving him
for director Peter Bogdanovich.
“None of us ever fully recovered
from Dorothy's death,” Hef said
years later. “She was a remark-
able person.”

Get your joysticks ready: Marliece
Andrada has just added some oomph
to the often asexual world of video
games. In GEX 3: Decp Cover Gecko,
a game from Eidos Interactive, Miss
March 1998 plays curvaceous damsel

Monsion porties ore usuolly roled R, but the
Eoster egg hunt is strictly С. Hef's guests
included Brondi Brondi ond her doughter
(obove) ond Shonnon Tweed ond Gene Sim-
mons (lop). Below: PMOY 1999 Heather Ko-
zor hos oll her eggs in one bosket.

Mansion West hosts the hippest Eas-
ter egg hunt in the country, featuring
hot dogs, pop-
corn, ice cream,
jelly beans, choc-

25 game levels and travel through
more than 15 worlds, including a
whacked-out fairy-tale land with a

in distress Agent Xtra, who has been

olate rabbits,
balloons, games,
prizes and, of

captured by the evil REZ. Her would-
be savior is secret agent GEX, a hy-
peractive gecko who must complete

course, a hutch-
ful of amazing
Playmates. The
tradition began
when Barbi Ben-
ton, Hef's then-
girlfriend, de-
cided to throw a fun adults-only
springtime bash. Years later, in order

August 5: Miss December 1964
Jo Collins

August 8: Miss March 1970
Christine Koren

August 24: Miss November 1957
Marlene Callahan

August 27: Miss May 1984
Patty Duffek

August 31: Miss September 1998
Vanessa Gleason

for Kimberley and Hef's sons, Mars-
ton and Cooper, to get in on the ac-
tion, the party became a family-style

break-dancing Humpty-Dumpty. If
you're up to the challenge of saving a
Playmate, the game is in stores now.

ATLANTA HEAT

Signing outogrophs ond
meeting fons builds on oppetite, which is why
Playmotes portied о! Sombuco Jozz Cofé ofter
Glomourcon 16 in Atlonto. Revelers included
(кота left to right) Jonet Lupo, Donno Edmond-
son, Pomelo Bryont, Kym Malin, Nerioh Dovis,
Dolores Del Monte, Kim Terry ond Angelo Little.

I can't pick just one Play-
mate, because there are so
many I like. Julie McCullough
was on my show the first зеа-
son. I know her per-

sonally, so I can

vouch that she's

sweet and nice.
Ava Fabian is
Julie's roommate,
so I hang out with
her, too. Heather
Kozar is a home-
girl. She’s from Ak-
ron and I'm from
Cleveland, so there
is a bond between
us. I guess it’s safe
to say that I've nev-
er meta Playmate I
didn't like.

Heather Ryan, otherwise known as
wildlife biologist Pat Dahl, hasn't
changed much since being named
Miss July 1967. Appropriately titled
Call of the Wild, Heather's pictorial de-
scribed her passion for all things ex-
otic, including ocelots and Lawrence
of Arabia. One Newsstand Specials
pictorial (below) even featured ani-
mal prints. Today, Heather has built a
career around her enthusiasm for ad-
venture. She lives in San Diego and
leads Wild Women Tours of Poway,
which conducts trips to such places as

er Leigh (right) toke
the koyok out for о
spin. "I have a wild
Ме ond o wonderful
fomily," soys Miss
July 1967.

Florida, Colorado and Monterey Bay,
California. During one excursion, for
example, participants can observe
168 wild horses. "As you can see, I haven't

PLAYMATE NEWS

changed my long, straight and wind-
blown hair," Heather says. "It works
in all kinds of weather and it's a sim-
ple do for a wild woman-biologist
with little free time. How fun to be in
Playmate Меиз- ГА come out of the
woods or water any day for PLAYBOY!"

PLAYBOY EXPO

"The first-ever PLAYBOY Expo takes
place July 17-18 at the Pacific Design
Center in Los Angeles. Highlights
from the macrocosmic extravaganza
include a Femlin bar, a PLAYBOY store,
a James Bond exhibit, a meet-and-
greet with Sable and a special ареат-
ance by Hef. "Fans can even have
their pictures taken on Hef's revolv-
ing bed," promises Cindy Rakowitz,
Playboy's Vice President of Public
Relations and President of Playmate
Promotions.

QUOTE UNQUOTE

Miss June 1996 Karin Taylor is no
geek, but she can't live without her
computer. We asked her about her
online adventures.
Q: Do you really order food online?
A: [Laughs] I do. And vid-
€os. There's a
website that
| delivers mov-
ies and then
picks them up.
Ў I can get food
delivered in 45
minutes. I could
stay in the house
for weeks at a
Т time. If I had
enough money, I'd
build a mansion
like Hef's and nev-
er leave the grounds.
Q: Wouldn't you miss
New York's nightlife?
A: If people were talking about the
hottest new club, I'd hire the DJ.
Q: Tell us about karintaylor.com.
А: I'm building an Internet empire,
with a line of virtual cards for birth-
days and bachelor parties and guest
chats with women like Petra Verkaik
and Shae Marks.
О: Do you worry about losing your
privacy?
А: No. I feel safer meeting my fans
through the website than I do during
personal appearances. Тће website is
an illusion—my fans know only what
I want them to know. They feel closer,
but they're actually farther away.
Q: Are there people whose lives
you're fascinated with?
А: Yes—Madonna. She came from
nowhere and climbed and morphed
and reinvented herself.

Karin Taylor.

PLAYMATE GOSSIP

Looking for an online fantasy-
land? Click neriah.com for never-
before-seen photos and an on-
line auction featuring such items

as Neriah Davis’ linger-
A

ie. . . . Last month we
told you about Barbara
Moore’s foray into pro-
Bf fessional dance compe-
"Z^. titions. Since then, Bar-
bara has perfected nine
more dances, including East
Coast swing, West Coast swing
and the hustle.
“I have r
found my
calling,”
says Miss
December
EEE
V.I.P. star
Pamela Ап-
derson rc-
cently had
her breast
implants re-
moved. Pam-
ср) варз а Ski bunnies.
spokeswoman
for Miss February 1990, "wanted
her body to go back to its natural
state." . Tiffany Taylor, Nicole
Wood and Danelle Folta hit the
slopes at Winterfest in Boyne,
Michigan. . . .
Miss April
1989 Jennifer
Jackson has а
message for
her fans: "I'd
love to hear
from you!"
Write to the
Jennifer Jack-
son Fan Club
Tisharo ond Scot. at PO. Вох
110574, Cleveland, OH 44111. .
Tishara Cousino hung out with
Scott Baio at a recent Mansion
party. . .. Look for Elan Carter
as host of The Place to Be, a trav-
el show that emphasizes mental
health. . . . Don't recognize the
ladies below? "They are Lisa Der-
gan, Carrie Stevens and Kalin
Olson in funky goatees at a Cap-
tain Morgan Rum bash.

Cohn Morgan wos here.

a testarossa cim. та

The Magazine for
Exotic ,Lovers

duPont .
REGISTRY

Available at Finer Newsstands
or Call 1-800-233-1731

www.dupontregistry.com

IT JUST DOESN'T GET ANY SWEETER THAN THIS.

‚=

N 2 i š: ү: RABEN
GOOD TIMES. GOOD FRIENDS. GOOD CIGARS.
and a good deal!

I. AY BOY
ON-THE SCENE

—WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND—

udiophiles have been touting the warmer, more human Right: Thorens’ TD 295 МКИ "is
sound of LPs since the onset of the cassette tape. And turntable in walnut can sey Е Y

now, despite the mainstream acceptance of digital CDs handle all your мпу-- Д

and DVDs, audio aficionados are being converted to ће 33/5, 45s and even
church of literal groove—some spending tens of thousands of dol- your grandfather's
lars for the perfect analog fix. Fortunately, there are turntables 785 ($1100). It’s pic-
priced to fit almost every budget. If you simply have a nostalgic tured with a Grado
need to hear those old Run-DMC 12-inch singles, or are planning Reference Platinum
some romantic moments with a collection of Barry Whites, a cartridge ($300).

RICHARD ВЛ

Below: The exotic design of Oracle's Delphi MK V combines
elements such as Plexiglas and a magnesium-and-aluminum
alloy to minimize vibration, thus enhancing that smooth vinyl
sound ($3100). It’s pictured with an A.C.T. 2 arm ($2800) and table and

a Van den Hul Black Beauty cartridge ($4000). its extras, beauty
is in the ear of the listen-

er. You can spend as little as $25 on a
stylus and cartridge, or as much as
$12,500. The goal of companies that
make the expensive stuff is to create a
sound so transparent you'll mistake
your living room for a concert hall. Of
Course, if all you have to spin is Jour-
ney's Greatest Hits, you first need to
bolster your vinyl collection. Our rec-
ommendation? Don't waste your time
on national record chains. Most have
turned their backs on vinyl. Instead,
look to small music shops, or go on-
line. Try Dustygroove.com or Mobili-
ty Fidelity, which offers reissues at its
website (mofi.com) by artists ranging
from U2 and Jethro Tull to Tony Ben-
nett and John Coltrane. There are also
new, used and rare recordings at Vinyl
Vendors (vinylvendors.com) and the
Analog Room (theanalogroom.com).
JOEL ENOS

turntable in the $300 to $600 range is ideal. Most of these models, Right: Some audiophiles
including Music Hall's MMF line, Technics’ SL-1200MK2 and Ro- claim that Rega's Plan-
tel's RP955, are standard dual speed (33% and 45 rpm) and come ar 25 sounds just
with everything you need to start spinning—an integrated stylus as good as a
and cartridge, an adjustable tone arm and antiskating (a weighted 54000 turn-
mechanism that keeps your needle from skipping). Beyond the table—but it
5600 mark, you're in with golden-ear guys who want to mix and costs $1275. Add
match components to get the perfect sound from vinyl. Tables in $300 for the Audio

this category include the Rega Planar 25, the Thorens TD 295 МКИ Note 10/2 cartridge and the

and the Oracle Delphi MK V (all pictured). When choosing a turn- Van den Ни! Geiger 1 stylus tip. 171

WHERE & HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 149,

GRAPEVINE

Sandy's Just Dandy

SANDRA BULLOCK has Exactly 3:30 and Gun Shy coming out in 1999, and 28
Days, co-starring Viggo Mortensen and Elizabeth Perkins, in pro-

duction for 2000. We'll see her

she's that cute.

Go With the Crowe

Black Crowes front man CHRIS ROBINSON is calling the
summer club tour a warm-up for the real one taking

172 flight in October, to co

le with their new CD.

Covered Girl

Model ANU PEKKARINEN was a runner-
up in the Miss Finland pageant and was
Hawaiian Tropic’s Finnish winner in
1998. She has warmed up Scandinavia
considerably.

|] Does Foghorn
7) Leghorn Know?
— When MEL GIBSON f

Rooster in Chicken Run.

Buns
TRICIA DIKES

has been а Cov-
er Models mag.
azine feature
girl and was on

а Harley-David-
Bell's son calendar
Bells poster. Here she

gives back.

On a night off from playing
Major Sarah MacKenzie on
Jag, CATHERINE BELL went
out on the town. At last we
can show you what Bell has
under her whites.

Pleasure Chest
TAIMIE HANNUM was featured in
HBO's Rat Pack and Winchell, on
Playboy TV's Night Calls and on the
big screen in Plato's Retreat and
Saddle Riders. Now we have

ishes

working on a black comedy
| about mental patients (co-star-
| ring Bono and Jimmy Smits),
< he'll be the voice of Rocky the

POTPOURRI

SKIN TO WIN

Pamela Anderson
has barbed wire
tattooed around
her left arm; other
actresses and mod-
els have adorned
themselves with
acorns and ser-
pents. But for
those who want a
decoration that's
not skin deep,
there are Body
Charms, realistic-
looking tattoos that
come in three pat-
terns—a star,
barbed wire and a
butterfly. A kit
($15) contains
24 kt. gold-filled
applicators
(see inset),
five grams
each of silver
and gold tat-
too powder and
a fixative. The de-
signs wash off easily, and reapplication is half the fun. А flower, chain
links and a lightning bolt are in the works. Call Beauty Professionals,
the company that created Body Charms, at 800-221-8080.

AFRICA CALLS

With chapters titled “Nairobi, Wild West
Town” and “Wardens, Lions and Snakes,”
White Hunters: The Golden Age of African
Safaris is the kind of read that will appeal
to anyone who loves the novels of Ernest
Hemingway and Robert Ruark. The au-
thor, Brian Herne, was a professional big
game hunter in Kenya for more than 30
years, and the tales he tells are as fasci-
nating as the adventurers who populate
them. Price: $35. Published by Henry Holt.

BUBBAS, START YOUR ENGINES

The CD Inside the Ride not only treats you
to the sounds of dragsters, powerboats
and high-performance sports cars, but it.
gives you great driving music too. It's a
seductive amalgam: the roar of a dragster
hitting 320 mph in four seconds followed
by a ballad, and a Ferrari F355 Spider
shifting to a pulsing boogie beat. Price:
$15.95. Call Like Dat Music at 888-436-
1551 to order. Hats, jackets, T-shirts and
posters are also available.

MARK OF THE MILLENNIUM

While Y2K has been putting everyone in crisis mode, the folks at NY
Direct Action thought to register the numeric trademark 01-01-00.
Come the millennium you can expect to see the symbol on a variety of
outerwear. Aside from being a cool look, the shiny silver jacket pictured
above features a detachable backpack that can be used separately. Price:
$120. Another 01-01-00 jacket for bicyclers, joggers and hikers folds in-
to its own backpack pocket and has two straps that clip together to cre-
аге a fanny pack. Price: about $35. Varsity and golf styles along with
popovers and slickers are also available in a number of colors. Call

174 Stacey at 877-302-4242 for morc information or to order.

THAT CAPS IT

According to Gregg Levin of
Perfect Curve, the average
American male owns six to 12
caps and doesn't know where
to store them. Levin's solu-
tion: the Perfect Curve Cap-
rack System, which features
16 clips attached to a five-foot
cord. Clips can be spaced
anywhere along the cord and
the whole shebang can hold
up to 28 caps. Price: $24.95,
in sporting goods stores, or
call 877-227-7225. Perfect
Curve also sells a handy giz-
mo that curves the bill of
your cap just right.

* ALL ABOUT ELVIS

Everyone says " Elvis lives,"
but Bill Yenne did something
about it. He wrote Renais-
sance Books’ Field Guide to
Elvis Shrines. If you've ever
wondered where Elvis was
born, grew up, drove a truck,
sang, ate, slept, drank, got
high, lived and died, it’s all in
this $15.95 softcover, along
with a list of every concert
hall where he performed.
There are even directions to
a truck stop in Sparks, Neva-
da where 104 of the King's
gold records are on display,
and the 24-Hour Church of
Elvis in Portland, Oregon
(with a spinning Elvis that
surnmons the King's ghost).
Call 800-452-5589 to order.

IN MINT CONDITION

The next time you slip a few
cherished cheroots into your
pocket for a night on the
town, include a slender tube
that holds 33 high-intensity
After Cigar Mints and make
your poststogie breath ng
sweet. The silver tubes are
available at tobacconists па-
tionwide for about $3 each,
or contact After Cigar Mints
at 312-829-1344 for informa-
tion. The company will also
sell you a container of 24
tubes of peppermints for $72.
And they'll do special orders
of other minty flavors if it's a
large volume sale.

GOLF BAG OF TRICKS

After reading Golf Dirty Tricks (“50 ways to lie,
cheat and steal your way to victory”) and The
Hustler Guide to Golf, you still may not shoot
par—but neither will your opponent. Just

to help you along, Dirty Tricks comes with a
collection of flat-top tees to slip into someone's
bag. The Hustler's Guide includes ball markers
with the mind-game message DONT CHOKE
printed on them. Price: $8.95 each. Call 888-
572-3688 to order.

THE GRILLS OF SUMMER

From the company whose name ts synonymous
with outdoor cooking comes Weber's Art of the
Grill, a $35 hardcover that's as thick as the filet
mignon pictured here. In addition to more
than 100 lavishly photographed recipes, there
are sections on grilling traditions, direct and in-
direct cooking techniques, menu planni
great barbecue gadgets, favorite sauces and the
right wines to accompany your meal. Call
Chronicle Books at 800-722-6657

МЕХТ МОМТН

SABLE, ROUND TWO —50 YOU THOUGHT HER FIRST PIC-
TORIAL WAS A KNOCKOUT? THE WWF STAR'S ENCORE
GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE TERM SABLE BOMB. FOUR-
TEEN SLAMMING PAGES

CHRIS ROCK—AMERICA'S HOTTEST COMIC RANTS ABOUT
HIS OLD NEIGHBORHOOD, THE PRESIDENT, PERJURY
AND HIS FRIENDS CHRIS FARLEY AND PHIL HARTMAN.
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID RENSIN

E-CRIME—THE INTERNET CRIME SCENE IS WORTH AT
LEAST $10 BILLION A YEAR. LOGAN HILL TRACKS BOGUS
AUCTIONS, SECURITY FRAUD AND OTHER ONLINE VILLAINY
THAT COULD EMPTY YOUR WALLET

PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW —WITH ELWAY GONE, KEEP AN
EYE ON JACKSONVILLE. PLUS: WHY THE GAME HAS GONE
OFFENSIVE. PIGSKIN PUNDIT RICK GOSSELIN RATES
EACH TEAM AND ITS CHANCES:

RANDY MOSS—THE NFL'S EXTRAORDINARY WIDE RECEIV-
ER WAS VIRTUALLY IGNORED IN THE DRAFT. 15 HE THE
NEXT JERRY RICE? PROFILE BY KENT YOUNGBLOOD

FUN 2000 —Y2K, Y2KSCHMAY. WE'VE VOWED NOT TO LET
THE PARTY STOP. DON'T MISS A CALENDAR YEAR'S WORTH

OF FESTIVALS, CARNIVALS, BALLS AND OTHER WAYS ТО
KEEP THE FUN ROLLING

CHICK PORN—THIS IS YOUR LUCKY NIGHT: YOUR GIRL-
FRIEND HAS AGREED TO WATCH NAUGHTY VIDEOS. OUR
PICKS WILL MAKE IT AN EVEN MORE MEMORABLE EVE-
NING. BY LORI SETO

AFTER THE PLAGUE—WHAT IF THE WORLD ENDED IN DI-
SASTER? WHAT IF THE LAST MAN ON EARTH DIDN'T LIKE
THE LAST WOMAN? FICTION BY T. CORAGHESSAN BOYLE

FALL AND WINTER FASHION—FORGET STICKING TO
ONE DESIGNER. THIS SEASON YOUR CHALLENGE IS TO MIX
AND MATCH TO CREATE A SIGNATURE LOOK, COUNT ON
US TO HELP

DENISE LUNA—SHE'S YOUR FANTASY COMBO OF GLAM-
OUR AND GRIT: A PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDER WHO MOD-
ELS ON THE SIDE. MEET THE SWEETHEART OF THE RODEO
IN A ROWDY PICTORIAL

PLUS: SURFING THE WEB FROM YOUR TREADMILL, MIND-
BLOWING DIGITAL TOYS. MILLENNIUM-INSPIRED GROOM-
ING PRODUCTS, SCHWING-WORTHY GOLF CRUISES AND
20Q WITH STAR TREK'S BORG BEAUTY, JERI RYAN

+
T “tar”, 1.2 mg попе av fer cigareta SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette

lethod, Аоба! tet and niggfine deliveries will ; :
how yod fold ai з vou бене. F Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

‘more information) со Ё wwWbwtarnic.com
| [|

ROCKS. TONIC. JUICE. MAGIC.

ffe

Internet Archive Audio

Featured

Top

Images

Featured

Top

Software

Featured

Top

Texts

Featured

Top

Video

Featured

Top

Mobile Apps

Browser Extensions

Archive-It Subscription

Save Page Now

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats