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ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOME
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PLAYBILL

THINK OF PLAYBOY as a runway and this issue as our Winter
Collection. We have custom-tailored jazz coverage, pret-a-
porter sports pieces and cheeky intimates. Opening the show
is Naomi Compbell. A member of the supermodel pantheon, she
has graced the cover of almost every women's magazine—and
now she’s on ours. Inside she sashays right out of her design-
erwear in a distinctly dressed-down pictorial shot by David
LaChapelle. Visions of her sugarplums will be dancing in your
head ull Easter. For the soundtrack to your dreams turn to
City Girls by Amy Sohn, inspired by HBO's all-female chatfest
Sex and the City. We asked Sohn, who chronicled her own sex
life in a New York paper and in her fictional Run Catch Kiss,
whether we could believe what we heard on the HBO series.
She gave us an earful. “My conversation with three friends
was a little like sex,” she says. “We would reach a peak and
then it would be quiet and mellow and we'd pull out ciga-
rettes. We really needed those breaks—otherwise we would
have gotten too horny.”

After a breakout performance in Chasing Amy, lanky normal
guy Ben Affleck became a major star with Good Will Hunting and
Armageddon. Now he’s in the films Reindeer Games and Daddy
and Them. Ina spirited Playboy Interview, Affleck complains about
tabloid reports linking him with Pamela Anderson, Calista
Flockhart, even Matt Damon—his unambiguously straight
writing partner. Life's tough when you're the new heartthrob
in town. Bernard Weinraub talks to him about instant fame, Hol-
lywood romance and Wonder Woman's rack

Gina Grr-grr Gershon has the best mouth in Hollywood, and
she used it to put smiles on the faces of several women in
Showgirls and Bound. That Elvis-inspired sneer could make
more friends this fall when Gershon stars as a private dick in
ABC's Snoops and plays opposite Al Pacino іп The Insider. In a
sexy 20 Questions by Robert Crane, Gershon keeps her tongue in
her own cheek as she talks about naked noodle baths, lap
dances and a Jennifer Tilly cocktail. If you want to sample the
live action, join Amanda Green in her romp through a New
York swing club. Just don’t tell Rudolph Giuliani.

Duke Ellington recorded more than 800 albums, wrote count- MARSALIS KELLEY
less classic songs and garnered praise and adoration all over
the world. In honor of his 100th birthday, we asked Gram-
my-winning jazzman Wynton Marsalis to write about his affinity
for the man and his music. As for the overarching genius of
Ellington's canon, Marsalis writes, "the closest comparison to
Duke Ellington's achievement would be that of Homer.” (Gary
Kelley did the artwork.)

When Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis squared off earlier
this year in Madison Square Garden, the bout ended in one of
the decade's most controversial decisions. In the end, it was
the judges who took a beating. Now, just in time for the sched- З ж
uled November rematch, famed artist and longtime PLAYBOY
contributor LeRoy Neimen hits the canvas—and splashes the ac-
tion onto и.

Speaking of a hard right, Christopher Buckley throws a round-
house punch line at the president in Bill Clinton's Life Lessons.
Plausible deniability was never this funny. And Buckley's par-
able of two monks will go over well at the company Christmas
party—or in court the morning alter.

Further lessons are provided by Pro Bowl quarterback Troy
Aikman in How to Throw a Spiral. Start practicing now and
you'll be ready to toss bombs by New Year's. That improved
grip could also come in handy on your next date.

As for fiction, Now What? by Donald E. Westlake, marks the ге-
turn of less-than-master-thief Dortmunder. He nicks a major

AIKMAN

(REE
WESTLAKE OLBINSKI

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), December 1999, volume 46, number 12. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana-
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement Мо, 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny:playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 5

BEAUDET-FRANCES, EDGREN, SUSKI |

FEIFFER

9

SMIGEL, SEDELMAIER

BUHRMESTER

prize only to stagger onto a scene more hectic than a day-
after-Christmas sale. (Christian Northeast provides the artwork.)
A woman-juggling cad extricates himself from a love quad-
rangle—and a threeway—in A Merry Little Christmas by Thom
Jones (accompanied by artwork from Rafal Olbinski).

Eyes wide shut? Open them for the century's last tribute to
the stars who make life worth living. Or should we say make la
vida loca worth living? This year, the hot bear's latin—Ricky
Martin, Jennifer Lopez, Cameron Diaz and Catherine Zeta-
Jones (ОК, so she's Welsh). And don't forget Charlize, Julia,
Nicole, Pamela—still reading, or peeking inside? Credit for
the names and faces in Sex Stars 1999 goes to our vigilant trio,
Contributing Editor Gretchen Edgren, Senior Art Director Chet
Suski and Associate Photo Editor Patty Beaudet-Francés. The
lively text comes from Senior Editor Christopher Napolitano.

The women who didn't make the list are screaming. Some
of our favorite starlets are camped in horror films. Just in time
for release of the final Scream, Junior Editor Robert B. DeSalvo
presents the great scream queens of the Nineties, a bunch
of gorgeous shrieking women whose cleavage starts at their
lungs. Ah, the horror.

The late Shel Silverstein was integral to the identity of
PLAYBOY. His talent, rococo humor and free spirit were always
an inspiration here. In his Tribute to Shel Silverstein, cartoon-
ist and PLAYBOY colleague Jules Feiffer recalls how Silverstein
could effortlessly master almost anything—from sketches to
рор songs to children’s books. To celebrate his talent, we've
reprinted some of his best work.

We know you've socked away gift money for your own self-
ish needs. So have we. Here's what to do with it: Blow it on
mindless entertainment—video games. In Games Galore, Joel
Enos and Jason Buhrmester pick the best new titles for the com-
puter, Sega Dreamcast, Sony Playstation and Nintendo 64,
and find the hottest group action on the Web. They also asked
CART drivers Dario Franchitti and Paul Tracy of Team Kool
Green to test-drive racing games. Then they offer a sneak
peek at next year’s killer game systems.

Does it seem like just yesterday we sent troops to oust Sad-
dam Hussein from Kuwait? According to former UN arms in-
spector Scott Ritter, it could be just tomorrow before Iraq's dic-
tator goes on the attack again. Don't count on watching cruise
missiles from your living room TV. This time the fight could
be a real mess. Check out Gulf War II.

Try to forget that Gary Cole's day job as Photography Direc-
tor leaves just a lens between him and our Playmates. The fact
is, Cole is also a canny sports analyst and a bankable oracle.
Just check his record. This year he has two Big Ten teams in
the top five іп Playboy's College Basketball Preview. His All-Name
Team includes Commander King of Northern Arizona and
Majestic Mapp of Virginia.

То help you laugh through the shortest days of the year,
we've included a cartoon feature by Robert Smigel, frequent
contributor to Saturday Night Live and Late Night With Conan
O'Brien. To thwart evil Dr. Brainio, the Ambiguously Gay Duo
must don disguises (think the Village People). The art is by за.
Sedelmaier. Robert S. Wieder will have you breaking out the was-
sail with his giddy batch of Celebrity Christmas Carols (art by
Daniel Adel). Try this one to the tune of Jingle Bells: “‘Single
belle'—what the hell/That could work for me./Oh what fun to
dump Bill's ass/Then swing a victory” Oh behave, Hillary!
This year you'll hum and snicker about Michael Eisner, Al
Gore and Rudy Giuliani.

Pity the boys on the bus. We're talking the Playmate 2000
search bus, whose tireless workers crisscrossed America to
screen thousands of candidates vying to inaugurate the next
century in PLAYBOY. We can't reveal the winner just yet—but
the runners-up could fill a year of magazines. Somehow we
got their pictures down to 16 pages. Chip Rowe, our own
Playboy Advisor, was dispatched to report and had to be
dragged back. And, wrapping up our runway, the shots of
Playmate Brooke Richards frolicking in Alaska will make you
look differently at that snowy driveway. Thank you, Santa.

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vol. 46, no. 12—december 1999 CONTENTS FOR THE MEN’S ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE
PLAYBILL ... cnet oA sce Ue ME se созса Moen NV cheat 2 5
THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 15
PLAYMATE REUNION .. 17
DEAR PLAYBOY. ........ 21
PLAYBOY AFTER HOURS. . 27
MUSIC 29
WIRED .. 2... eet + 32
МОМІЕЅ......... LEONARD MALTIN 34
VIDEO . . 5 a eem 37
BOOKS . 40 Naomi’s Secret
FITNESS. c a
SEX iS 5 ... AMANDA GREEN — 43
MEN ..... d $ ASA BABER 48
MANTRACK ... S COMETE 4 49
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR а ~ еге 55
(THE PLAYBOY FORUM И а 57
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BEN AFFLECK—condid conversation 7 a 5 67
In flovor-of-the-month Hollywood, he's that rare commodity—a terrific new
talent with stoying power. Find out about girls (especiolly Gwyneth), his bond
with Matt Damon ond the perils of being rich, single and amioble. Naughty Christmas
А MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS fiction 2.2222. s THOM JONES 82
Three-way sex—fhat's the way to celebrate the holidays. Who! а tangled
Web we weave when first we proctice to deceive.
NAOMI CAMPBELL—pictoriol.. ee ЛТ 86

She has soshoyed for Victoria's Secret ond appeored in magozines ond mu-
sic videos. Now Naomi steams up the lens of funky photographer David
LoChopelle.

BILL CLINTON'S LIFE 1Е550№5—һотог................ CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY 100

The president has made a batch of chicken soup for the soul, and he wants
you to lop it up.

А DECADE OF SCREAM QUEENS—article. .-ROBERT В. DESALVO 104

Neve, Courteney, Drew ond Jennifer—we solute the big-lunged gals who've
made horror flicks a favorite guilty pleasure

PLAYBOY'S CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE
Don't hold bock—it's your last chonce of the century lo splurge.

CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS CAROLS—humor.................... ROBERTS. WIEDER 112
What do Marilyn Manson, Charlton Heston, Boris Yeltsin and Rudy Giuliani

Thanks, Santa

107

COVER STORY

"| work hard and I'm worth every cent,” says British-born supermodel Naomi
Compbell, whose worth is estimated at $29 million. We don't begrudge her а
penny. Our cover was shot by photographer David LaChapelle, with set design
by Kristen Vallow and fashion styling by СХА Patti Wilson. Thanks to Ayako of
NARS for Naomi’s makeup and to Danilo for hairstyling. Wardrobe credit goes
to Nicolas Verlaine and John Galliano. Our wintry Robbit is in love fur-ever.

Za ot JULIO De {бәз у CERTIFICADO DE LICITUO GE CONTENIDO NO 3108 DE FECHA 20 DE JULIG DE 1999 EXPEOIDOS POR LA COMISION CALIFICADORA DE PUBLICACIONES Y REVISTAS ILUST

have in common? Pour ап eggnog and help us grill this yeor's houghty,
naughty headliners

NOW WHAT?—fiction..... ies DONALD E. WESTLAKE 114

Our favorite burglor scouts a by bash опа walks off with o priceless
double-emerald brooch. That's when his trouble starts

TRIBUTE TO SHEL SILVERSTEIN. . JULES FEIFFER 116

A PLAYBOY colleague remembers the келү talented cortoonist ond writer.
We show some of his zoniest works.

CITY GIRLS—orticle . АМҮ SOHN 121

Sex and the City addicts may ene иу 5 en dei whot's TV. We went to
the source: four funky Manhattan careerists who talk the talk.

MELTING BROOKE—ployboy's playmate of the month 122
PARTY JOKES—humor . . n а 134
PLAYBOY'S COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW—sports GARY COLE 137

Will it be Connecticut? Duke? Our annual roundup of the best teams and
players in college hoops is must reading for any serious fon.

THE DUKE—oppreciction ....... 2541422, WYNTON MARSALIS 142

In honor of Ellington’s 100th birthdoy, his devotee explains how Duke re-
mode jazz and why he still rocks

DAVE'S GARAGE—cars. . . але А 145

We lest-drive two of the most exciting new cars, the ПЕ 52000. En) ће
Porsche Boxster 5, опа get the scoop on ће lotest sport utility vehicle, ће
Land Rover Freelander.

SEX STARS 1999—pictoriol ... re 2 148

Ё x Jennifer Lopez. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ricky Marin: The сла А- Mese
Burgled Brooch Р who lived la vida loca and made this year sizzle.

THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO—humor ... m. ..... ROBERT SMIGEL 154

Асе and Gary до undercover to stop mayhem at ап МВА Championship
gome. Problem is, their disguises foil

HOW TO THROW A SPIRAL—sports pou E TROY AIKMAN 158
Step-by-step instructions fram ihe Dallas Cowboys' iron-armed QB.

PLAYBOY 2000 PLAYMATE SEARCH—pictorial. 2 о 162

Thousonds of ambitious women came out ie ‚our coost-ta-coast search.
Here's your 16-poge backstage poss.

GULF WAR ll—article. ean 2 35 5 SCOTT RITTER 178

aaa atn teet ee ea
hell again —ond sooner thon you think

Bus Stop

LEROY NEIMAN RINGSIDE—eyewitness 181
Classic sketches of Evander Holyfield and Lennox Lewis from their controver-
siol heavyweight championship bout.

20 QUESTIONS: GINA GERSHON parara E 182

Is Iraq Back? Р The sexpot from David E. Kelley's new show Sten саал surviving
Showgirls, the joys af eating and fucking and where she come up with that
trademark snarl,

GAMES GALORE—electronics ....JOEL ENOS and JASON BUHRMESTER 184

Who hos the edge? Sega Dreamcast? Sony Playstation? Nintendo 642 We
пате the winners, steer you to the most exciting action on the web und
scope the future.

WHERE & HOW TO BUY... A o 21. 202,
PLAYMATE NEWS Some NECS otis seed ovra 7522. 247
Sexy Jennifer PLAYBOY ON THE SCENE کا‎ ы cereis 251

LADIES
LOVE
OUTLAWS
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PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER

editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director.
KEVIN BUCKLE

STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
FICTION: ALICE К. TURNER editor; FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE
associate editor; JOSHUA GREEN editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; BETH

TOMKIW associate editor; DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor;
BARBARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUNDGREN assistant editor; ROBERT B. DESALVO, TIMOTHY

OHR junior editor:

AROL ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDELSON. НЕ

№ FRANGOULIS. CAROL KUBALEK.

HARRIET PEASE, JOYCE WIECAND-BAVAS editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS WAYNE director;

CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD FROEHLICH editor;

BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN assistant edilors; КЕМА SMITH Senior researcher; LEE BRAUER. GEORGE
HODAK, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANAMEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN.
JOSEPH HIGAREDA. JOAN MCLAUGHLIN, BETH WARRELL proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN
GROSS. WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF

ART
кейіс POPE managing director; BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior directors;
SCOTT ANDERSON, STEFANIE GEHRIG assistant art directors; ANN SEIDL supervisor, keyline/pasteup;

PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; Jas

ON SIMONS art assistant;
CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinalor; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN art department assistant

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor—chicago; MICHAEL ANN St

senior editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT ES, KEVIN KUSTER associate edilors

PATTY BEAUDET+RA!

DAVID

CHAN. RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA
contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU studio manager—chicago; BILL WHITE studio
manager—los angeles; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOL manager, photo library

RICHARD KINSLER
publisher

PRODUCTION

MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; KATE CAMPION, JODY JURGETO, CINDY PONTARELLI.

RICHARD QUARTAROLI, ТОМ SIMONEK associale managers; BARB TEKIELA, DEBBIE TILLOU Dfesellers;
BILL BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZVK, ELAINE PERRY, assistants

CIRCULATION

LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director;

CINDY RAKOWETZ communications director

ADVERTISING

JAMES DIMONEKas, advertising director; JEFF KIMMEL, new york sales manager; JOE HOFFER midwest

sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLI. direct response manager; TERRI CARROLL research director

READER SERVICE

MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE
MARCIA TERRONES rights € permissions director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer
ALEX MIRONOVICH president, publishing division

SONY

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THE WORLD ОҒ PLAYBOY

hef sightings, mansion frolics and nightlife notes

15 THERE A PLAYMATE IN THE HOUSE?

Playmate Reunion Weekend was packed with celebrities (below).
Hef welcomed pal Jimmy Саап, who taught Hugh Grant how to talk
Mafia in Mickey Blue Eyes, to the party. Former MTV video jock and
PLAYBOY cover girl Julie Brown had a couple of laughs with us.
Young Hollywood was represented, including Buffy the Vampire
Slayer's Seth Green and Go's Breckin Meyer.

RAP GETS

THE ROYAL
TREATMENT

MTV Music Award win-
ner Eminem (left) gave
Playmate Stacy Fuson
a big smooch at the
Interscope Records
party held at the Man-
sion. His debut re-
lease, The Slim Shady,
has gone double plat-
inum. Grammy-winning
rapper Dr. Dre (right)
caught the undivided
attention of a bevy of
Playmate admirers.

THE CAST PARTY

SMELLS GREAT

Following the premiere of Love
Stinks, its cast came to the
Mansion for a whiff of some-
thing sweeter. Hef and Sandy
Bentley linked up with Nicolette
Sheridan and Love Stinks co-
star Bridgette Wilson (above).
Other guests included Rebec-
ca Romijn-Stamos and John
Stamos (left), cast members
French Stewart, Bill Bellamy
and Steve Hytner, plus Oscar
De La Hoya and Kato Kaelin.

WE'VE GOT THE
HORSE RIGHT HERE
In case you didn't know,
Hugh Hefner came in first,
beating the favorite at Del
Nar in California. No, not
our Hef—the horse named
for him. Ridden by jock-
ey Corey Nakatani, Hugh
Hefner earned a winning
purse of $48,000. It turns
out that the Year of the
Rabbit has also been
good for the horsey set.

15

سر

BEST THING
THE Ê ¡FE ARE BASI IN

© Philip Morris Inc, 1999
16 mg “tar” 1.1 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method. |

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking

Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

РІ.АҮМАТЕ

> ч :
The first Playmate Reunion in 20 years brought together more than 150 Centerfolds at Playboy Mansion West for a weekend
of nonstop action. After lunch on Friday (when this historic photo was shot), five decades of Playmates reconvened for a Sat-
urday night disco bash. Three-time Playmate Janet Pilgrim (seated on Hef's left), who traveled from the East Coast to attend,
summed up the event: “Playmates have a unique bond. We had a great time sharing memories and creating new ones.”

THE CRITICS AGREE! IT'S ON AT 10:30!

JIMMY KIMMEL ADAMCAROHA |

o> THE MAN SHOW | 1020590

DEAR PLAYBOY

680 NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611
E-MAIL DEARPE@PLAYBOY.COM
PLEASE INCLUOE YOUR DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER

ROCK ROLIS WITH THE PUNCHES
After reading Chris Rock's hilarious
Playboy Interview (September), I bet my
boyfriend a night on the town that
Rock's remarks would provoke hostile
mail. Did they? What I love about him is
that he spares no one.
Sandra Robinson
Chicago, Illinois

Chris Rock is funniest when he's seri-
ous, as exemplified by his remarks about
black Republicans—including Represen-
tative J.C. Watts, who quite probably will
be America's first black president.

Orville Shumpsters
Elmira, New York

Rock says it's OK for black people to
use the “N” word, but not for whites.
Most self-respecting African Americans
would never use the word in their public
or private lives and wouldn't associate
with anyone who does. It's still a racist
slur even when coming from a self-de-
basing black comedian

Harold Jones
Hermitage, Tennessee

Poor Chris Rock. Like many African
Americans, he has fallen for the liberal
bullshit that the Democrats shovel. But
what he and many others don't see is
what the Republican party offers—pros-
perity and the good life. It’s there for the
taking.

Angela Sellinger
Concord, California

Tve been a Chris Rock fan ever since
he asked for “one rib" in Ги Gonna Git
You Sucka. He was funny then and he's
still funny. Rock says what а lot of us wish
we could say.

Alphonso Myers
Chicago, Illinois

1а white entertainer ever said that he
didn't need to make black friends, that

he only “crossed over” for their dollars,

holy hell would ensue. Rock shouldn't
expect to pocket any more of this white
boy's money.
Philip Devries
Gobles, Michigan

E-CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
As authors of The Termination Node, a

book on how hackers can destroy some-
one's life with just a few strokes on the
keyboard, we really enjoyed Logan Hill's
article, E-Crime (September). Internet
crime is rushing toward us at the speed
of a guided missile, and many unsus-
pecting people are going to be shocked
to discover they have been robbed elec-
tronically. It's a scary but inevitable real-
ity: Cybercrime will be the big news of
the 21st century.

Bob Weinberg and Lois Gresh

Oak Forest, Illinois

T've always been a little nervous about
paying with plastic on the Internet, so I
appreciated your sidebar on how not to
become an e-crime victim. I know fraud
is rampant on the Internet, and that
users should always be wary—especially
when an offer seems too good to be true.

John Powers
New York, New York.

SMORGAS-BORG
Voyager's Jeri Ryan (20 Questions, Sep-
tember) is a babe, but, more than that,
I like that she's not condescending to
‘Trekkers. In fact, Ryan's comparison of
‘Trekkers to Wisconsin cheeseheads be-
fore a Green Bay game is perfect.
Peter Lancaster
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

ONCE IN LOVE WITH STANLEY

I agree with Stanley Kubrick's criti-
cism of writers (My Adventures With Stan-
ley Kubrick, August). Only an imbecile
would publicly whine about having had
an opportunity to work with one of the
though admittedly eccentric,
artists. I suggest to Ian Watson

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21

PLAYBOY

that if he really wants his prose to be
deathless, he should give up screenplays
and start carving gravestones.
Thaddeus Gunn
Seattle, Washington

МО BULL RODEO GAL
You gave the cover to Rena Mero, but

in my opinion, bull rider Denise Luna

(Sweetheart of the Rodeo, September) steals

the show as the issue's most breathtak-

ing, beautiful and desirable woman.
Stephen Roldan
Aica, Hawaii

WHO READS PLAYBOY?

You're always asking what sort of man
reads PLAYBOY. I'm a single, hardwork-
ing 27-year-old woman who owns a hair
salon. About a year ago, I started looking
for the Rabbit Head on the cover. Next I
started reading The Playboy Advisor, then
20 Questions and, before I knew it, Next
Month. With each issue I learn some-
thing new, and I'm not too shy to say I
read рглувоу for the articles.

Linda Smith
Howell, New Jersey

When I met my fiancé and discovered
he read рїАУВОУ, I wanted him to cancel
his subscription. But when the next issue
arrived in the mail, the two of us leafed
through it together. I was amazed that I
enjoyed the articles. Now we've made a
contest out of who will find the Rabbit on
the cover first, and we always read each
issue together. I hope more women сап
overcome their initial reactions.
jana Rovin
Holland, Pennsylvania

LIPSTICK TRACES
Thanks a lot, eLavBov. Now that you
have told him how to remove a lipstick
stain (Mantrack, September), how will I
ever catch my Mr. Right doing wrong?
Melissa Randolf
Los Angeles, California

GATHERING MOSS

Гт so tired of hearing about the 19
teams that shied away from drafting
Randy Moss (Moss Man by Kent Young-
blood, September) because of his shady
past. Isn't it possible some of these teams
had needs for players other than a wide
receiver?

Tim Zillig
Hiawatha, Iowa

ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE
Sable Mania, Round Two (September) is
magnificent. I can't recall another wom-
an who is so comfortable with her sexu-
ality, or so at home in her body. Thank
you, ылувох, for giving us a second look.
Allan Burrows
Mississauga, Ontario.

Rena Mero is athletic and nicely toned

22 without the pumped-up look of many

women in sports. But what spoils her
for me is the navel ring she wears. Why
do otherwise beautiful women mutilate
themselves with body piercings?
Wilfred DeVoe
Anaheim, California

She's fresh, sexy and easy on the eyes,
with her tasteful little belly button ring
and her beautifully sculpted body.

Ron Beaty
Bowling Green, Kentucky

Rena can drop the bomb or put a leg
scissor on me any time.
David Manion
Torrington, Connecticut

1 love тлувоу and have always felt the
magazine's editors use good judgment
in choosing pictorial subjects. Номеу-
er, it upsets me to see а 14-page spread
devoted to someone as manipulative as

Mero. You should be ashamed for giving
her career a boost.

Alex Hass
Las Vegas, Nevada

Remember Thanksgiving at Grand-
ma's house? All the family members gath-
ered round the table, and the aromas
of turkey and stuffing and sweet pota-
toes? Sometime during the meal, an
adult would ask the group to think about
all of the things that we had to be thank-
ful for. Do you remember that fecling?
That's exactly the way I felt when 1 saw
Sable Мата. 1 ат genuinely thanktul to
Rena Mero for posing again, to photog-
rapher Arny Freytag for his perfect work
and to God for creating a perfect woman.

William Bohrer
Dayton, Ohio

Mero' recent legal action against the
World Wrestling Federation was just as
cleverly conceived, acted and executed

as any wrestling match in the history of
the sport.
Karl Logan
Auburn, New York

After reading about how the WWF
treated Rena Mero, І realize that without
her, І can't think of a single reason to
watch anymore.

Dean Bennett
Portland, Oregon

REJECTION PEPPERED WITH HUMOR
I have comic genius Albert Brooks
(Playboy Interview, August) to thank for
the funniest employment rejection Гуе
ever received. Twenty years ago, as а
fresh-faced mailroom clerk at Para-
mount, I ran into my comedy idol in
the parking lot one Friday afternoon. I
asked him if he could use an assistant,
to which he cordially responded that 1
should give him а call the next week. АЕ
ter a deliriously hope-filled weekend I
called him, only to have him say: "Well,
all I'm doing right now is writing, so un-
less they raise the weight of pencils, I
don't think I'll need an assistant. But
good luck." I loved sharing that story
with my parole officer.
Joel Drazner
West Los Angeles, California

WHERE'S THE BEEF?

I got a laugh out of S. Harris' roadkill
cartoon on page 146 of your September
issue. Yes, there really is a Road Kill
Grill, located in Oregon just west of the
village of Drain. I pass it each time I
drive from Coos Bay to Eugene, and І
think ГИ continue to do just that.

Keith Hulsey
Coos Bay, Oregon

ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT

Now that we never have to leave the
house to watch an X-rated movie, my
boyfriend and 1 watch one every Satur-
day night. We always argue in the video
store. I keep telling him that the ones һе
likes don't turn me on. After reading
Chick Porn (September) by Lori Seto, 1
convinced him to rent One Size Fils All.
Guess what? It did.

Marion Walker
Chicago, Illinois

Most couples 1 know don't have the
kind of relationship in which the male
partner could even suggest they watch
a porn film together. But Seto's article
points out that women and men prefer
different types of movies and actors.
Screen presence seems to be an impor-
tant factor. Asia Carrera is cited as the
kind of actor with whom real women
identify. That may be true, but I'd be re-
luctant to take the chance.

Richard Mills
Rochester, New York

© 1999 Candie's, Inc.

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PLAYBOY AFTER

WE'RE QUEERS, WITH STEERS,
GET USED TO IT!

The gay rodeo is not only alive and
well, it's on its way to becoming a hot
ticket. The first one was held in 1976,
and since then the concept has grown
into a network of rodeos in more than
90 cities nationwide. Gay rodeos supple-
ment such traditional events as bronc
riding, steer wrestling and calf roping
with seriously competitive camp events.
Steer deco involves the dangerous task
of tying a ribbon to a steer's tail, and goat
dressing requires putting a billy goat in-
toa kicky pair of men's underwear. Then
comes the wild drag race, which is some
sort of chase involving a couple, a drag
queen and a steer. Not only is the gay
rodeo a fun carnival to check out, but it's
the only setting in which the phrase bull
dyke is said with a smile.

THE OLD NINE IRON

If you can get it in the hole on the first
try, you don't need the prize. Caving in
to a local letter-writing campaign, orga-
nizers of the Catholic Doctors Associa-
tion golf tournament in Putrajaya, Ma-
laysia withdrew a bonus purse оға year's
supply of Viagra. The pills would have
gone to the first two golfers to get a hole-
in-one. We figure the real reason for the
pullout was that golf officials didn't feel
that a virility drug should be associated
with the short game.

CALVIN KLEIN AND HOBBES

Scientists at the Dallas Zoo had a mis-
sion. Their state's wild population of
ocelots—spotted, 20-pound wildcats that
аге native to Texas—has dwindled to
around 100. The zoo wanted to stimu-
late breeding by attracting ocelots to lo-
cations where they could meet, have a
mouse martini or two and line up sexu-
al encounters. After a variety of substanc-
es failed to attract and turn on the fe-
‚carchers stumbled upon Calvin
Klein's Obsession. The fragrance sent fe-
into frenzies of desire. The
"t the only animals to re-
spond to it—lions and gorillas loved it
100. However, don't expect the place to

stop reeking like a zoo. "It's hard to
overpower gorilla smell,” the research
curator said. “It ends up smelling like
perfume on a sweaty guy.” Hey, don't
blame the guy—it's that damned rub-
ber suit.

HIDE THE SALAMI

People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals introduced a new ad campaign
that makes the dire declaration, “Eating
meat can cause impotence." Billboard
companies have refused to accept the
group's ads, which also contain the lin
threw a party but the cattlemen couldn't
come." (Гһе American Beef Council had
a cow over the ad. The ranchers point
out that beef is loaded with zinc, a min-
eral vital to sexual function.) On a curi-
ously ambiguous note, one PETA ad
featuresa lovely swimsuit model holding
a string of link sausages. Clearly, she
doesn't intend to eat them.

YANG BANG
An anti-impotence pill has created a
stir in China by beating Viagra to the
market and using a similar name. Fei-

ILLUSTRATION BY GARY KELLEY

lang, a producer of herbal medicine,
brought out a pill called Wei Ge—which
means respected brother. But it also
happens to be a contraction of Pfizer's
Chinese trademark for Viagra, Wei Er
Gang—powerful steel. Fortunately for Pfi-
zer, the real stuff has a strong presence
even though the product has yet to get
approval for domestic sale, According to
China Daily, Viagra is the second most
popular English word in China, follow-
ing Titanic. Coincidence?

DICK LIPS

A new generation of cosmetic manu-
facturers is flogging sex to market their
products. And we do mean flog. Old-
school innuendo 15 out; in are such lip-
sticks as Vincent Longo's Foolish Virgin
and Tushi/Booty, and Hard Candy's
Tramp and Boink. Blue Q makes a lip
balm called Virgin/Slut and a body
cream called Dirty Girl. And Nars oflers
Orgasm blush. What's the difference be-
tween a blush and a lip balm, you ask?
About three drinks.

TWISTED SISTER

А 66-year-old nun who served as chap-
lain of a hospital near Chicago admitted
to writing racist graffiti on walls in five
bathrooms. Police said she told them
that she did it to see how the hospital
would react. Well, the hospital relieved
her ofher duties —though she was award-
ed high grades for penmanship.

THAT'S NO KNIFE YOU SEE
BEFORE YOU

Florida's Seminole County recently
banned nude dancing—except in “bona
fide performances.” So adult venue Club
Juana hired a local playwright to add
drama to its stage show. The scribe, Mor-
ris Sullivan, used scenes from Philosophy
in the Bedroom (by the Marquis de Sade)
and Macbeth, as well as original material.
Of course, there was a twist to the tal
Actors started scenes clothed and man-
aged to finish them naked. The police
turned up for opening night and every-
опе agreed it was a bona fide play. But
Club Juana was busted anyway—under a

27

28

RAW DATA

(SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS | INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS

QUOTE

“Women might
be able to fake or-
gasms. But men can
fake whole relation-
ships."—COMEDIAN
JIMMY SHUBERT AT
THE MONTREAL СОМЕ-
DY FESTIVAL

JUST SAY NO

The percentage
of Americans who
know that George
Washington was a
Revolutionary War
general: 9. The per-
centage who know
that Obi-Wan Ke-
nobi said, “May the
force be with you”: ji
55. Percentage who
know thar "life, lib-
erty and the pursuit of happiness”
is from the Declaration of Indepen-
dence: 47. Percentage who know that
“Just Do It” is from Nike commer-
cials: 79.

MICRONESIA
Number of countries whose com-
bined gross national products are less
than the total assets of the three
wealthiest officers of Microsoft (Bill
Gates, Paul Allen, Steve Ballmer): 43.

BABBLE ROYAL
Of the seven best-selling issues of
People at the newsstand, number that
did not feature members of Britain's
royal family on the cover: 3.

PLANE SPEAKING

Number of aircraft in American
Airlines’ Пеес 648. Number in Unit-
ed's: 575. Average age in years of U.S.
airline fleets: 12. Average age in years
of European fleets: 8. 0.5. airline
with the youngest fleet: Alaska Air (8
years).

PIECE DIVIDEND
‘The world’s leading arms supplier
in 1998: United States ($7.1 billion).
‘The increase in U.S. arms sales over
1997: $1.4 billion. Runners-up in
1998 arms sales: Germany ($5.5 bil-
lion), France ($3 billion). Amount of

FACT OF THE MONTH
Americans spent $4.6 mil
n 1998 on surgery to
and firm sagging buttocks.

arms sold by all oth-
er countries: $7.4
billion. World leader
in arms purchases
in 1998: Saudi Ara-
bia ($2.7 billion).
Runners-up: United
Arab Emirates ($2.5
billion), Malaysia
($2.1 billion).

O SAY CAN
YOU PEE?

The percentage of
‚American workers іп
companies with 500
or more employees
who are subject to
drug testing: 70. Per-
centage of illicit-drug
users who are em-
ployed: 70. Percent-
age of Fortune 200
companies that test their employees
for drugs: 98. Percentage of total U.S.
workforce that is subject to drug test-
ing: 44. Estimated number of illicit-
drug users: 14.3 million.

UNION DUES AND DON'TS
In a survey of distinguished jour-
nalists and scholars selected to iden-
tify the 100 most significant news
events of the 20th century, number of
mentions of organized labor: 0.

DRUG TASTING
Amount of money spent by the
pharmaceutical industry on consum-
er advertising of prescription drugs
: $12.3 million. Amount spent
1.2 billion.

MENU, PLEASE
According to the National Restau-
rant Association, percentage of adults
who eat at a restaurant on a typical
day: 46. Percentage who have worked
in a restaurant: 33. Number of res-
taurants in the U.S.: 815,000.

WORLD OF DIFFERENCE
In 1997, gross domestic product of
Ethiopia: $6.4 billion. GDP of Congo:
$5.2 billion. Rwanda: $1.7 billion. In
1997 total sales of General Motors:
$167 billion. Of Ford: $147 billion. ОҒ
Mitsui: $145 billion. —PAUL ENGLEMAN

separate law that bans nudity where al-
coholic beverages are served.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?

Neuroscientists at Emory Unive:
have isolated a gene that holds the bio-
logical key to monogamy. Dubbed the
“perfect husband" gene, it affects a key
receptor gene, called vasopressin, that is
responsible for loutish male behavior.
According to the journal Nature, re-
searchers transferred the gene from the
sociable, monogamous male prairie vole
to aggressive, promiscuous male mice.
The result was a surprise—male mice
that were less ornery toward other males
and more content with a single sexu-
al partner. They also showed drastical
less interest in Monday Night Football but
have yet to learn how to cry or cook.

NO PUSSYFOOTING

Japanese women have not allowed the
year's sexual scandals to pass unnoticed.
A detective agency in Osaka is selling
200 S-Check systems per month. The
kits are capable of detecting semen оп
clothing for up to two wecks. New Scien-
list also reports that another Japanese
product, “infidelity detection cream,”
сап be applied discreetly to a man's back
and then will cause blisters if he showers
during the day. The same cream, when
applied to socks, changes the color of the
fabricif the socks are removed for longer
than 15 minutes.

TOP THIS

Whether you like it or not, another
presidential election season is upon us.
This year we're giving our vote to the
guys on the soapbox at Chris White's
Тор Five (topfive.com). Among the plau-
sible entries on the list of "top signs that
your presidential campaign has too
much money" are; *You can afford to
pay an ex-president to pretend he's your
father" and "Your ten-minute Super
Bowl halftime infomercial features Mar-
lon Brando and J.D. Salinger.” The wi
ning money shot? "At your nomination
party, you hire Warren Buffett to sing.
Margaritaville.”

SEXICON

Over time, The Washington Post's Style
Invitational has gathered from readers
an impressive list of new words formed
by altering one letter of an existing
word. A glance at a collection of recent
winners shows that readers in the Belt-
way are just as preoccupied as the rest of
us. For example, a tatyr is defined as “a
lecherous Mr. Potato Head.” Foreploy is
“any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of obtaining sex.” Osteo-
pornosis is “a degenerate disease.” And
glibido is an apt word for a town full of
рођ. It means “all talk and no action.”

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РОР

NO MUSICAL GENRE ever disappears com-
pletely. It may fall into obscurity, or un-
coolness, but somebody is going to re-
vive it and make it hip again. S ith
psychedelic lounge cheese, a musical
form previously appreciated primarily
by lonely guys in the Sixties who loved
their stereos more than they loved the
music. With the aid of serious studio
technology, a nod to minimalists Steve
Reich and Terry Riley and another nod
to French pop music, Stereolab has
made psychedelic lounge music sym-
phonic. On Cobra and Phases Group Play
Voltage in the Milky Night (Elektra), Stereo-
lab delivers almost 76 minutes of gently
undulating music that should be effec-
tive for inducing reveries, naps, tran-
quillity and sex (if you prefer it in a re-
laxed state). What are the songs about? I
don't know, and you won't either. Many
of the lyrics arc in French, anyway. Just
undulate gently and you'll get the point.

— CHARLES M. YOUNG

COUNTRY

John Prine hasn't recorded regularly
since he was in hock to his labels back in
the Seventies. The absence of new music
after 1995's Lost Dogs & Mixed Blessings
occasioned no alarm, but it should have:
Princ was fighting for his life. He has
been cancer-free for almost two years
now. In Spite of Ourselves (Oh Boy, 33 Mu-
sic Square West, Nashville, TN 37203) is
a duet album that features such female
admirers as Trisha Yearwood, Lucinda
Williams, Emmylou Harris, Melba Mont-
gomery and Iris DeMent. The cornpone
humor of (We're Not) The Jet Set and the
guilt-ridden spouse-swapping of the
1963 George Jones-Melba Montgomery
hit Let’s Invite Them Over are pleasant
i Prine wrote the title tune;
in't got laid in a month
of Sundays/Caught him once and he
was sniffin' my undies” is the work of a
man who is glad to be alive under any
circumstances. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

ROCK

The Talking Heads were a talented,
cerebral band that had the audacity to
ditch their quirky art songs in favor of
incantatory vocals, primal funk and Afri-
can polyrhythms. That transformation
apparently shrunk David Byrne's head
while opening his heart. Nonlinear lyrics
and complex beats propelled such songs
as Burning Down the House and Once in a
Lifetime. By the time their aptly titled
concert film and live album, Stop Making
Sense, were released in 1984, Byrne had
learned to move beyond his intellect.

Stereolab's Cobra and Phases.

Undulate to Stereolab,
revisit the Talking Heads and
discover real Latin pop.

Stop Making Sense (Special New Edition)
(Warner/Sire) includes all nine songs
from the original album, as well as еу-
en equally superb unreleased tracks. For
the first time, the concert's entire set list
is presented in the original order. An-
other classic live set being expanded and
remastered is Cheap Thrills (Sony), Janis
Joplin and Big Brother and the Hold
ing Company's breakthrough second al-
bum. Big Brother was often dissed for
being sloppy and unfocused, but when
they were on, they were great. Blending
psychedelic guitars with R&B grooves,
Big Brother was closer to Otis Redding
than it was to the Grateful Dead. The
band spurred Joplin to incendiary
heights on the volcanic 7 Need a Man to
Love and Ball and Chain. Joplin's solo al-
bums tried too hard to imitate the Stax/
Volt soul bands that she loved, but when
she was backed by Big Brother sh
ed something original. Other Jar
sues include Sony's remastered ions
of four albums with and without Big
Brother, and the limited-edition Box of
Pearls: The Janis Joplin Collection.

— VIC GARBARINI

The Step Kings, a three-piece punk
band, really get it on, as you'd hope they
would on an album called Let’s Get It On
(Fantastic Plastic). Ferocious as anything
in the hard-core scene from which they
emerged, they have found just the right
balance between melody and assault, be-
tween harmony and screaming. Their

riffs will have you banging your head on
the nearest sharp corner. But you won't
need first aid. —CHARLES M. YOUNG

LATIN

Café Tacuba makes intimate music the
way bands do when they've played to-
gether for years and have developed a
genuinely original synthesis. Its new two-
disc Revés/Yosoy (Warner) raises both
rock en español and art rock to new levels.
Revés, an instrumental disc, reflects the
band's deep knowledge of Mexican mu-
sical culture as well as its intense interest
‘ock and roll. Like such Eastern Euro-
pean bands as Plastic People of the Uni-
verse, Café Tacuba plays a kind of art
rock, but unlike the rest of that crowd, it
understands that no matter how com-
plex your harmonic ideas, they're only
as good as the beats. So there's music
here that's reminiscent of Frank Zappa
and of electronica, of ХТС and surf mu-
sic, of Eno's noise and La Bamba. Yosoy
is more of a song cycle, and it suffers
because its vocals are no match for its
instrumental virtuosity. Still, wading
through the sprawl is a lot like driving
across Mexico City, an astonishing jour-
пеу through a culture ten times more di-
verse than you might have thought.

— DAVE MARSH

Now that the Buena Vista Social Club
has been designated the world music
event of the millennium, maybe we're
ready for some traditional Cuban music
untouched by Ry Cooder and his drum-
beating son. Like Estrellas de Arieto's Los
Heroes (Nonesuch), which documents the
week in 1979 when the best musicians in
Cuba, including many future exiles and
many future Buena Vista personnel, en-
tered the deepest groove you've ever
heard. Or Casa de la Trova (Detour), a col-
lection of Cuban folk-art songs at their
most courtly and weird.

—ROBERT CHRISTGAU

R&B

SWV was one of the most underap-
preciated acts of the Nineties. The three-
woman New Vork-based vocal group
never had the cool imagery of TLC or
the big pop hits of Boyz 11 Men, but the
trio had urban soul appeal that resulted
in a string of sassy hits. Relatively face-
less, SWV were the Shirelles to TLC's
glossy Supremes. Now SWV's lead vo-
calist, Cheryl "Соко" Gamble, attempts
to emerge as a solo star with Hot Coko
(RCA). Early on, SWV was a vehicle for
Brian Alexander Morgan, who shows up
on Triflin', a hip-hop-R&B blend featur-
ing Ruff Ryders' rapper Eve. Another

29

30

FAST TRACKS

OCKMETER

Christgau | Garbarini

Café Tacuba
Revés/Y 6 i if 8 7

6 7 8 5 6
John Prine
Іп Spite of Ourselves 8 8 6 9 Z
Stereolab
Cobra ond Phoses if 6 8 4 7
Tolking Heads
Stop Making Sense 5 10 8 8 6

WILL 15 ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE DE-
PARTMENT: Last summer, the Grove The-
ater Center in California mounted
that little-known Shakespearean play,
‘Twelfth Dog Night, with music by Three
Dog Night. Maybe Gwyneth packed
them in, but how does Malvolio sing
One Is the Loneliest Number?

REELING AND ROCKING: Lisa Stansfield's
movie, Swing, is looking for an Ameri-
can distributor. Stansfield, co-starring
with Clarence Clemmons and Hugo Speer
(from The Full Monty), has already re-
leased the CD. . . . Marilyn Manson will
debut as star, co-writer and sound-
track producer of Marilyn Manson's
Hollywood. . . . The Doors’ Ray Manzarek
will make his directorial debut with
Love Her Madly, a story of love, obses-
sion, madness and murder. It’s not a
Doors documentary, but that’s com-
ing too, in 2000. . . . Dave Stewart is the
director and co iter of Honest, a
black comedy set in the Sixties.

NEWSBREAKS: Shirley Manson and her
Garbage bandmates have created a
bright-orange nail polish called Gar-
bage, natch. You can order it through
their website, garbage.com. . . . Geri
Helliwell has reportedly been offered
the starring role in a New Zealand TV
production of Mary Poppins retitled A
Spoonful of Sugar. . . . Crosby, Stills, Nash
end Young have postponed their re-
union tour until next year. . . . This
fall, the surviving Beatles transformed
ап 18-car train going through the
Chunnel into a yellow submarine, to
call attention to the rerelease of the
movie. ... Two Chess cousins from the
famous Chess Records family have
launched the new label Czyz (the fam-
ily's original, Polish name). The first
release? A blues album by Murali Cor-
yell (son of Larry) called 2120. The title
refers to the address on South Mich-
igan Avenue in Chicago where the
Chess studios were located (now it's

the Blues Heaven Foundation, run by
Willie Dixon's heirs)... . Even though
D'Arcy has left the band, the Smashing
Pumpkins still plan to release their next
album in February. . . . Peter Gabriel is
collaborating with Jocelyn Pook (who
scored Eyes Wide Shut) on a millenni-

um show that will mix music, dance
and acrobatics, along with a few sur-
prises. . . . The fifth Elvis conference
is past summer in Memphis focused
on Elvis in the Oval Office, taking its
theme from the historic meeting be-
tween Elvis and Nixon in December
1970. Compaq hired Sting for an
ad campaign that will coincide with
the release of his next album. A web-
site will follow the tour, and he may
even do some commercials. . . . Bill-
board Books has published The Ency-
clopedia of Record Producers, which lists
the people behind the scenes in the
music biz throughout the century.
There isa companion website, at mo-
javemusic.com. . . . In other Doors
news: Celebration of the Lizard will like-
ly have its Broadway premiere in the
fall of 2000, with Billy Zane playing Jim
Morrison. And, yes, according to Ray
Manzarck, the music will be used. .
Finally, in his 75th year, Johnnie John-
son is stepping out from behind Chuck
Berry to get his due. Johnson, the sub-

ject of Father of Rock and Roll: The John-
nie "B. Goode" Johnson Story, will also
be the subject of a tribute album from
Records Lastly, “femina-
zis” strike back: Rush Limbaugh offered
Chrissie Hynde a bunch of money to let
him keep using My City Was Gone as
his theme song. She declined the of-
fer. Limbaugh says he started using
the song 15 years ago to show his fans
he's nota “stuffed shirt and likes rock
and roll.” He tried to turn Hynde's
refusal into a liberal-conservative
thing, but she’s no pretender.

— BARBARA NELLIS

track, handled by Anita Baker's produc-
er, Michael Powell, is a spirited version of
Marvin Gaye's If This World Were Mine.
But the bulk of Hot Coko is produced by
R&B hitmaker of the moment Rodney
Jerkins. The man behind songs for Mon-
ica and Brandy, Jerkins works his con-
siderable magic for another one-name
singer. Hot Саво isa tasty debut
“NELSON GEORGE

I've never heard a higher-energy sing-
er than Gino Washington, a lost Motor
City legend rescued with Out of This World
(Norton), 15 tracks featuring some of
the wildest R&B ever waxed. From 1962
to 1964, Gino did whatever it took to
get songs like Out of This World, Baby Be
Mine and the immortal Gino Is а Coward
(resurrected by Bruce Springsteen) to
an audience. He'd сгооп, chant, usea bi-
zarre falsetto and cram 14 syllables into
a space comfortable for about half as
many. Then he'd stand aside for some of
the world's cheesiest and hottest guitar
solos. If he hadn't gotten drafted and
lost momentum, everybody might know
his name. — DAVE MARSH

JAZZ

Pianist Horace Silver did more than
anyone else to shape soul jazz, with such
tunes as The Preacher and Sister Sadie.
And in the half-century since his first
recordings, his music hasn't lost a thing.
The proof lies in two new releases зрап-
ning his career. Silver's classics of the
Fifties and Sixties fill the four-CD Retro-
spective (Blue Note). His quintets were
fronted by fledgling stars such as Mi-
chael Brecker, Joe Henderson and Art
Farmer. But his rhythms are just as
bluesy, the piano solos as playful and the
melodies almost as infectious on Silver's
latest—the aptly titled Jazz Has a Sense of
Humor (Verve).

Cassandra Wilson and Diana Krall get
all the ink, but they're not the only divas
worth hearing. Jeri Brown mixes it up
with tenor saxophonist David Murray
and vocalist Leon Thomas on Ive Got
Your Number (Justin Time). And young
Carla Cook makes an impressive debut
with It’s All About Love (Max Jazz). Cook
artfully stirs together pop tunes and
blues-gospel phrasing, and in her lyric
“Loving ts the last revolutionary act,”
she may have come up with the century's
epitaph. — NEIL TESSER

WORLD

Musical travelog of the year: Natacha
Atlas’ Gedida (Beggar's Banquet), on
which she focuses on what she does best:
the Arab diva act, speeded up and subtly
modern. More authentic than The Mum-
ту, I guarantee й. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

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WIRED

GIRL GEAR

Ifyou want to impress the wired women
on your holiday gift list, bypass the frilly
stuff and consider these tech toys in-
stead. Color me girlie: Pioncer's Loop-
master personal CD players come in a
variety of female-friendly colors includ-
ing Purple Swirl, Just Peachy and Moon-

йе. Road movies: Just two inch-

es thick when closed, Panasonic's DVD-
1.50 Palm Theater is a portable DVD
player that weighs less than two pounds,
has a five-inch flip-up LCD widescreen
monitor and can also simulate surround
sound through two external speakers. The
price: $1100. Finger flexing: If she's
addicted to the Game Show Network,
Tiger Electronics offers a better fix—
Wheel of Fortune Deluxe, Jeopardy and Hol-
Iywood Squares handheld video games.
Each accommodates up to three players
and is a bargain at $30. Say cheese,
part I: Polaroid's PhotoMax
PDC 700 digital camera is af-
fordable (about $300) and a
впар to use. The pocket-size
shooter has a liquid crystal
display for previewing im-
ages and oflers a 1024x 768
resolution (ideal for attach-
ing photographs to e-mail
or producing wallet shots
on a color ink-jet printer).
For serious webheads,
Logitech's QuickCam
Pro is an eyeball-like
camera for Macs and
PCs that sends still im-
ages and video across
the Net. At $150 a
piece, you can buy a
pair—one for you,
one for her—and
trade sexy footage

part II: Give the ultimate party toy and
stuff Polaroid's funky I-Zone Instant
Pocket Camera into her stocking. It
shoots postage stamp-sized images оп
Polaroid paper and in sticker form ($25,
plus up to $7 for film). —BETH TOMKIW

TECH TRICK: NAME THAT TUNE

It happens all the time. You're in the car,
listening to the radio, a new song comes
on—and it rocks. But you don't know
the title or the artist, so you stay tuned in
hopes that the DJ vill identify the song.
But he never does. Well, screw him.
Thanks to a new service called Star CD,
you'll soon be able to punch *CD (that's
*23) into your cell phone keypad, speak
the station's frequency number into the
handset and wait while a computer on
the other end identifies the song from
its database. Within a few seconds, a
recorded voice shares the name of the
song, the artist and even the disc on
which the tune appears. By following a
few more voice prompts, you can listen
to a sample of the song, as well as other
cuts from the CD. Except for the price of
the call, Star CD is free—unless you're in
the mood to shop. Then you can issue a
few more commands to order the com-
pact disc you've sampled. Star CD pur-
chase prices (including shipping) are
competitive with record stores and on-
line music shops, and billing is hassle
free. You can preregister your
credit card. Ultimately, you'll Бе
able to tack the cost of your
road-shopping onto your cell
phone bill. Star CD debuted in
Philadelphia and is expected to
launch in other major cities nation-
wide throughout 2000. BT.

GOING) FEAT

Planning to free up a little desktop
space by investing in a flat computer
monitor? Here are a few shopping
tips. ® Check the warranty; Most man-
ufacturers of LCD monitors warrant
the hardware and the fluorescent-
tube backlight separately. Look for at
least a three-year war-

ranty for the back-

light, since it's usu-

ally the first to go.

* Analog Is eusy—

for now: Digital LCD

monitors are avail-

able, but 99 percent

of all PC video cards

are equipped with

analog outputs. То

go digital, you'll

need a video card,

зо make sure one is

bundled with the monitor. ® No fun in
gomes: We could go totally geek and
explain why most current video games
don't play well on skinny monitors.
But just take our word—the two don't
mix. Tolerance required: Every LCD
monitor (regardless of manufacturer)
will have a certain number of defec-
five pixels, which appear as little dots
on your screen, Before leaving the
store, insist on connecting your cho-
sen model to a computer to ensure
the inevitable spots are subtle and in
places (like corners) you can live with.
Also make sure the monitor is consis-
tenily bright. Uneven luminonce is an-
other common flow. —MARC SALTZMAN

If you think Web surfing via cell phone is the cutting edge of wireless
technology, check out Kyocera's VP-210 Visual Phone pictured at left. It's
the world’s first color video cellular phone, complete with a two-inch col-
or liquid crystal display and а minicamera for transmiting real-time au-
dio and video. The video flows at two frames рег second—far from fluid
but fine for putting a face with а voice. Other slick features: When you're
not available to take a call, a video answering machine kicks in, provided
the person on the other end hos the ability to receive it on his own visual
phone. (We expect future generations to tap into computer and tabletop
video phones as well). You con also access the web on Visual Phone's screen,
e-mail and snap JPEG images. (The phone's lens doubles as a digital still
camera.) Now the bad news: You can't gel your hands on one just yet. The Vi-
sual Phone is now only available in Japan (for about $400), Би! is expected
stateside by 2001. e With VCR prices dropping almost daily, you can find
some choice deals on high-end machines. Witness Sensory Science’s
dual-deck VCRs. These four-head player-recorders look sleek in side-

by-side and stacked designs, and are priced at $300 (for monaural
sound) and $350 to $600 (for stereo). Either variation features an au-
lomotic clock that sets itself when plugged іп, as well as an on-screen
menu for easy video editing. And yes, you can watch a video on one deck while
recording on the other. That’s couch spud nirvana.

WHERE 4 HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 202

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34

MOVIES

By LEONARD MALTIN

Being John Malkovich (USA Films) is опе
of the genuine treats of the fall season,
ап audacious, wildly original film about
a struggling puppeteer (John Cusack)
who discovers a “portal” that sends him
inside the body of actor John Malkovich.
What sounds like a hip party joke is bril-
liantly developed into a full-length film
by writer Charlie Kaufman and director
Spike Jonze (making his feature-film de-
but after a career in high-style TV com-
mercials and music videos). The cast is
uniformly fine, with Cameron Diaz as
Cusack's slightly dippy wife, Catherine
Keener as his ferocious office mate, Or-
son Bean as his benign but befuddled
boss and, best of all, John Malkovich
himself, who gives an astonishingly sly
performance as a man possessed. This
downright bizarre material works as well
as it does because the actors are fully en-
gaged—and Jonze puts his faith in them
and the script instead of trying to dazzle
us with special effects, УУУУ

Joe the King (Trimark) marks the writing
and directing debut of the talented actor
Frank Whaley (Born on the Fourth of July,
The Doors, Swimming With Sharks) and is
reminiscent of Francois Truffaut's classic
400 Blows. Its protagonist is a 14-year-
old boy (movingly portrayed by Noah
Fleiss) whose life is one long losing bat-
tle. With a drunken father (Val Kilmer)
and an absent mother (Karen Young),
he has descended into a life of theft and
antisocial behavior. But, in truth, he's
not a bad kid: He slaves every night аға
neighborhood restaurant (even though
he's underage) and tries to cover for his
father's constant debts. Is there any re-
lieffor him? The answer is no, and that's
the problem with Joe the King: While

(1) Bids for the 16mm camera used
to shoot portions of the movie went as
high as $10,000 on e-Bay.

(2) It took nearly 2000 auditions to
find actors Heather Donahue, Joshua

Griffith: Going crazy cross-country.

A reluctant whistle-blower,
a whimsical murderess and
a genteel psychopath.

Whaley's portrait of lower-working-class
life is credible and well observed, it offers
no redemption, hope or solace. YY

American Beauty (DreamWorks) is one
of this year's few outstanding films, a
scaring—but not unsympathetic—look
at a family whose dreams have gone
sour. Kevin Spacey is perfect as a man
who revels in his newfound liberation
from responsibility, while wife Annette
Bening finds a different kind of release,
from the empty career she has chosen.
Daughter Thora Birch, meanwhile, dis-
covers an unexpected soul mare in the

Dan Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez.
(5) Artisan, the studio that distrib-
uted the movie, got into trouble at the
Cannes Film Festival for circulating.
missing-persons posters of the cast.

TEN SCARY THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW

ABOUT "THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT"

Leonard and Michael Williams.

(3) The tombstones of children seen
at the beginning of the film are actual-
ly random markers in Burkittsville's
Union Cemetery.

(4) The actors were on their own,
except for vague character-motivation
notes left along the way by directors

Тһе publicity stunt went awry because,
unbcknownst to Artisan, a kidnap-
per had just been apprehended near
Cannes.

(6) Before the actors embarked on
their trek into the Maryland woods,
producer Gregg Hale informed all of
them, "Your safety is our issue. Your

strange boy next door. If they, first-time
screenwriter Alan Ball and debuting film
director Sam Mendes aren't Oscar nom-
inces this year, something is seriously out
of whack. УУУУ

It’s no secret that in recent years, news
stories have proved to be much juicier
(and more unpredictable) than most of
the fiction Hollywood screenwriters сап
concoct. The Insider (Touchstone) is the
saga of how a dogged producer for
CBS' 60 Minutes (played by Al Pacino)
sniffs out an explosive story about se-
crets of the tobacco industry and рег-
suades an ex-employee (Russell Crowe)
to put his career and his life on the line
by going public. Not since АШ the Presi-
dent's Men has there been a true-life thril-
ler so involving, so visceral, so surefoot-
ed at every turn. Pacino and Crowe ought
to be Oscar contenders for their perfor-
mances, each playing a man who must
juggle his moral imperative with the re-
ality of making а living. Christopher
Plummer is equally fine as veteran news-
man Mike Wallace, and the cast is pep-
pered with first-string actors in support-
ing roles. Director and co-writer Michael
Mann has created a compelling film
about integrity in the context of a gen-
uinely gripping story. YYYY

Canada’s Atom Egoyan is one of the
world’s most original and provocative
moviemakers, but it’s only in the past
few years, with films such as Exotica and
The Sweet Hereafter, that he's gained ma-
jor recognition. His newest effort, Ғей-
cia’s Journey (Artisan), based on a novel
by William Trevor, was filmed in Eng-
land and has bona fide star Bob Hoskins
in the lead—but it's pure Egoyan. Hos-
kins is ideally cast as a man whose im-
peccable manners and grooming mask

comfort is not."

(7) The actors survived in the woods
for four days mostly on a diet of Pow-
er Bars.

(8) The directors were afraid that
they had "lost Heather" during the
closing scene in the house because she
couldn't stop screaming and was hy-
perventilating afier the final shot.

(9) Despite the above, the actor says
she has become "a more avid camper
since the film."

(10) After a show promoting The
Blair Witch Project aired on the Inde-
pendent Film Channel, three of Josh-
ua Leonard's friends called him to
make sure he wasn't dead.

—ROBERT B. DESALVO

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

36

York: Eternally young.

OFF CAMERA

To a new generation, he’s Basil
Exposition, the cheerful head of
British intelligence in the Austin
Powers movies. Could this youth-
ful-looking actor be the same Mi-
chael York who created such ап in-

delible impression as Tybal
Franco Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet
ЗІ years ago? Or Liza Minnelli's
leading man in Cabaret?

"The answer is yes, and York—
who, it seems, has never stopped
working—is enjoying the outsize
reception his work in Austin Powers
has brought him. But he's quick to
remind Johnny-come-latelies that
despite his Oxford University and
National Theater training (along-
side Ian McKellen and Lynn Red-
grave), he has never been hesitant
to be daring—from taking a pie
in the face in the “mod” comedy
Smashing Time to playing Marty
Feldman’s twin brother in The Last
Remake of Beau Geste years ago.

“1 know there are actors who
test the water before getting in it. 1
plunge right in and either sink or
swim,” he says, laughing. “But Га
much rather regret the sins of com-
mission than those of omission.”

Although York and his wife, Pat,
a renowned photographer, have
lived in Los Angeles for many
years, his career has given his pass-
port a workout. “I have filmed all
over the world, from Norway to
India to Brazil to Australia. Now 1
get the huge pleasure of going to
England to film, because it's be-
come this sort of exotic foreign
country for me.”

But he remains resolutely Brit-
ish in one respect. “I admire pro-
ionalism; what I cannot stand
dulgence. I just don't under-
stand the indulgence that's given
to bad behavior. I won't have it."
Credit his old-school training. ТЕ
there were a good conduct medal
for actors, I suspect York would
have won it long ago. =?

a terrible secret. Into his orderly life
comes an innocent Irish woman named
Felicia (Elaine Cassidy), who has traveled
to England in search of the boyfriend
who abandoned her. Felicia stirs feelings
in Hoskins that he's never had before,
and therein hangs the tale. As a long-
time admirer of Egoyan, I was disap-
pointed—not with his sinuous storytell-
ing or his deft way of unveiling layers of
character, but with his choice of subject.
matter. I’m tired of films about psycho-
paths—even if they feature someone as
gifted as Hoskins. YY

There 15 little in Tumbleweeds (Fine
Line) we haven't seen before: A trail
trash woman breaks up with the latest in
a long line of loutish boyfriends and
takes to the road with her precociously
world-weary daughter. What sets this
film apart is a gallery of exceptional per-
formances and a keen eye for detail on
the part of co-writer and director Gavin
O'Connor. You'd never know Janet Mc-
Teer isn't a Southern belle; in fact, she's
a British-born, Tony Avard-winning
stage actress. Kimberly Brown is every
bit her equal as the daughter who yearns
for some stability in her life. And the
truck driver who becomes both live-in
boyfriend and father figure is played to
perfection by O'Connor himself. ¥¥¥

Melanie Griffith plays a character who
may or may not deserve our sympathy in
Crazy in Alabama (Columbia). Abused by
her husband, she has sought relief the
only way she knows how: murder. But
like that innocent-looking fellow in the
classic Night Must Fall, she carries her хіс-
tim's head around with her, waiting for
the right time and place to dispose of
it. And she calls on her brother (David
Morse) and sister-in-law (Cathy Mori-
arty) to look out for her oldest son (Lu-
cas Black) while she goes on the lam.
Her cross-country journey to Hollywood
is played out in counterpoint with her
son's first encounter with mid-Sixties
Southern racism. The subject is free-
dom, but the film plays with our emo-
tions too glibly to be fully satisfying. Still,
it's a creditable job for fi
Antonio Banderas. ¥¥/2

I'm drawn to Man of the Century (Fine
Line), a fanciful tale of a newspaper col-
umnist named Johnny Twennies (Gibson
Frazier). Although living in the Nineties,
Johnny is blissfully unaware of the reali-
ties around him or the contemporary
sexual longing of his girlfriend (Susan
Egan). The problem with this well-inten-
tioned film (shot in black and white, of
course) is that it doesn't make sense. Still,
the cast is likable and includes such wel-
come troupers as Frank Gorshin and
Bobby Short. YY

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by leonard maltin

American Beauty (See review) One of
the year’s top films, about a fa
cracking under the pressure of living
the American dream. Kevin Spacey
and Annette Bening head a superb
cast. yyy
Being John Malkovich (See review) A
bizarre but brilliant thrill-ride of a
movie with John Cusack finding a
portal that puts him inside Malko-
vich's head. wy
Bowfinger (Listed only) Steye Martin
and Eddie Murphy are fun to watch,
but this amusing comedy about a
fly-by-night moviemaker, written by
Martin, fails to soar. уму
Crazy in Alabama (See review) Melanie
Griffith plays a Sixties Southern belle
who has murdered her mate and hit
the road in a quest for freedom. ¥¥/2
Felicia’s Jaurney (Sce review) Bob Hos-
kins is a gentecl psychopath in Atom
Egoyan's deliberate but not altogeth-
er satisfying new film ww
Happy, Texas (Listed only) A feel-good
comedy about two escaped convicts
who pretend to be kiddie-pageant
impresarios. Jeremy Northam, Steve
Zahn, William H. Macy, Ally Walker
and Шеапа Douglas star. wy
The Insider (Sec review) Al Pacino is
dynamite as a producer for 60 Min-
utes who persuades recently fired to-
bacco scientist Russell Crowe to turn
whistle-blower. УУУУ
Jakob the Шог (11/99) In a Polish ghetto
during WWII, Robin Williams gives
his fellow Jews a flicker of hope. ¥¥Y2
Joe the King (See review) A bleak film
about a boy's harrowing—and unre-
lenting—existence with two parents
who don't care. Ethan Hawke and
Val Kilmer co-star. УУ
The Limey (11/99) Terence Stamp trav-
els to Los Angeles seeking revenge
for his daughter's death in this stylish
if slight Steven Soderbergh film. ¥¥Y2
Man of the Century (See review) A
quaint film—in black and white—
about a New York reporter who lives
in the world of the Twenties. yy
Outside Providence (Listed only) Alec
Baldwin's performance as a blue-col-
lar dad is the best thing about this
coming-of-age comedy-drama. УМУ
The Straight Story (11/99) Richard
Farnsworth is the real thing in this
disarming ode to Americana by—of
all people—David Lynch. ww
Tumbleweeds (See review) Exceptional
acting makes this little film, about a
rootless mom and her precociously
world-weary daughter. Wy

¥¥¥¥ Don't miss
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VIDEO

Guy Ritchie's audacious
film debut, Lock, Stock
and Two Smoking Bar-
rels (PolyGram), is the
most darkly gleeful
gangster film since Pulp
Fiction. But Ritchie, a
31-year-old Brit who
honed his creative edge
іп commercials and mu-
sic videos, does not in-
clude Quentin Tarantino
among his influences.
Mention Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid,
though, and Ritchie's
voice fills with cockney
exuberance. "I saw Butch Cassidy just the
other day and | still think it's a fucking bril-

ie,” he says. Ritchie found imme-
diate inspiration for Lock, Stock in gritty
British crime flicks, including two available
on tape: “The Long Good Friday—the most
credible gangster movie—and Get Carter,
directed by Mike Hodges." — —GREGORYP FAGAN

BRINGING THE WAR HOME

With Saving Private Ryan and The Thin
Red Line fresh from the battlefield, it's
hard to believe it's been 70 years since
All Quiet оп the Western Front won Oscars
for best picture and best director. Неге
are some other war favorites.

The Guns of Navorone (1961): Strike force
scales the cliffs of Nayarone to knock out
two radar-guided German cannons in
Alistair MacLean’s version of Magnificent
Seven-meets-Wild Bunch. Nominated for
eight Oscars, including best picture.
Where Eagles Dore (1969): Commandos
Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood
dress like Nazi officers and infiltrate a
Bavarian castle to rescue an American
general. Bullets fly, grenades explode
and the delightfully demented ending
comes out of left field.

Homburger Hill (1987): A brutally realis-
tic portrayal of desperate Gls (led by a
pre-Practice Dylan McDermott) assault-
ing a fortified Vietnamese hill for ten gru-
eling days. They win, but it makes you
wonder.

The Dirty Dozen (1967): Imagine if the pas-
sengers of Con Air were the good guys
and had to slay a bunch of Nazi officers
on D-day eve. Now put Lee Marvin in
charge and get the hell out of the way.
Glory (1989): A company of freemen and
slaves, including Oscar winner Denzel
Washington, take on Johnny Reb in a
battle that was a Civil War turning point.
A fitting tribute to the Union's African
American soldiers.

The Brylcreem Boys (1996): Based on the
little-remembered fact that Ireland was
neutral in 1939. Allied pilot Bill Camp-
bell and German aviator Angus Mac-
Fadyen shoot each other down, аге kept
in the same resort-like prison camp and
fall for the same lassie. Direct to video,
and worth a rental.

Kelly’s Heroes (1970): Part WWII saga,
part bank heist. Clint Fastwood and a
band of merry men sneak behind enemy
lines and steal 14,000 Nazi gold bars.
Funny, exciting and the best nonwar war
movie ever. — BUZZ MCCLAIN

DISC ALERT

The Beatles’ 1968 animated feature Yel-
low Submarine (МОМ, $30) remains such
a jubilant trip that quibbling with its
shortcomings seems, well, blue апа
mean. The album was a collaborative ef-
fort that stretched the then-nascent art
of concept albums to its limit. The mov-
ie mixes elements of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely
Hearts Club Band with new songs, pack-
aging and oodles of extras—but was not
greeted with the same enthusiasm as A
Hard Days Night (1964) or Help! (1965).
Perhaps rightly so. That said, MGM's
Special Edition DVD is a joy to behold
and replay on several levels. This is sem-
inal psychedelia, and digital remaster-
ing has brought out the best in it. The
soundtrack finds the best of the Beatles.
In the extended jam of It’s All Too Much
that closes the movie, we hear a fair-
ly stripped-down Fab Four: guys playing

Carl Dreyer's silent
1928 masterpiece |)
The Passion of Joon JOAN OF Arc
of Arc was de-

stroyed by fire. He as-
sembled another version from the out-
takes, which also was lost in a fire. Then a
nearly perfect print of the original was
found in a Norwegian mental institution in
1981. Now this pioneering film is on DVD,
carefully restored and accompanied by
composer Richard Einhorr's oratorio, Voic-
es of Light. Passion isin-
cluded in many critics”
ten-best lists, praised
for its use of close-ups
end editing and the
power of Renée Fal-
conetti's acting. Also in-
cluded on the disc are a
| history of the film and a
demonstration of how it
was restored.

rock and roll, marvcling at simplicity, at
odds with excess. That MGM included
the animated sequence "Hey Bulldog"—
cut from the movie, but a John Len-
non-delivered highlight of the Yellow
Submarine album—definitely makes this

one a keeper. СЕ

William Shokespeore’s A Midsummer Night's Dream (Bard's

STAR TURN

ANCESTORS.

comic buffet is perfect for highbrow grazing; Kline and Tucci
shine), Tea With Mussolini (Franca Zeffirelli recalls his youth in

Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl (cily-barn cutie, cut adrift in the
country, turns ta tricks; Joan Chen's defi directing debut), This
Is My Father (forbidden love in a Thirties Irish village; Aidan
Quinn's heartfelt fa

shy of great).

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BOOKS

THE JOKE'S ON US

Just how weird was cult comedian Andy Kaufman? We may
never know. But Bill Zehme's stylish biography, Lost in the Fun-
house (Delacorte), goes a long way іп excavating the life ofthis
strange guy. Most of the world knows him from his portrayal
of Latka, the foreign mechanic on the TV series Taxi, or from
his debut performances on Saturday Night Live, perfectly lip-
synching to a recording of the Mighty Mouse theme. Zehme
gives us a picture of a small boy who grew up on the North
Shore of Long Island believing there were television cameras
embedded in the walls of his room (so he was always putting
оп shows). When Kaufman was a student, his teachers “uni-
formly gave him 65s on everything so as not to flunk him,
which he often deserved, to avoid getting him back the fol-
lowing year, which they felt they did not deserve.”

А ^ Zchme documents Kaufman's ob-
session with Elvis, his ода
attempts at writing (of an
adolescent novel, The Holler-
ing Mangoo, he explained, “I
wrote this book so people
would vomit"), his indulgent
and exasperated parents—
what would you do if you had
an Andy Kaufman growing in
your living room? Andy em-
braced transcendental medita-
tion (giving up drugs) and there
are transcripts of a legendary
exchange between Kaufman
and the Maharishi in Majorca
about the nature of humor. We
learn about each show business
break and each performance,

how he honed his Foreign Man "tenk you veddy much" rou-
tine and made everyone wonder, Is this funny or just weird?
Despite the effort and the stylish curlicue in this biography—
and Zehme's adroit and charming handling—we wonder, too.

SANTA'S BOOK BAG

The books you give as gifts last long after the tree comes down
and the New Year's hangover lets up. Three American icons—
Elvis Presley, Muhammad Ali and Bob Dylan—are represent-
ed in Elvis Day by Day (Ballantine), Ringside (Bulfinch), Early.
Dylan (Bulfinch) and Bob Dylan Lyrics 1962-1999 (Knopf).
An exhaustive, photo-filled chronicle in diary format by
Peter Guralnick and Ernst Jorgensen, Elvis Day by Day is
the kind ofcomplete and detailed account that obsessed
Presley fans will appreciate. In Ringside, Ali's illustrious
career is commemorated in photos and in essays by Alex
Haley, Norman Mailer, Joyce Carol Oates and Peter
Richmond. In Early Dylan, photographers Barry Fein-
stein, Daniel Kramer and Jim Marshall create a nostal-
gic portrait of the artistas a young man. Fans will get a
Christmas bonus with the reissue of Bob Dylan Lyrics, up-
dated and expanded to include Time Out of Mind. The.
Newport, Rhode Island Folk Festival was jolted to at-
tention when Dylan went electric in 1965. In Electric Gui-
tar (Courage) Nick Freeth and Charles Alexander ex-
plore the twang, with a foreword from musician Mark
Enopfler. The final verse in this season's music offerings
comes in the form of two lively volumes on album cover
design. In the Groove: Vintage Record Graphics 1940-1960
(Chronicle), by Eric Kohler, examines 300 album cov-
ers. In 100 Best Album Covers: The Stories Behind the Sleeves
(DK), Storm Thorgerson and Aubrey Powell take us
40 from 1960 up to the millennium. Science fiction, how-

ever, has always taken us well beyond any millennium. In Sei-
ence Fiction of the 20th Century: An Illustrated History (Collectors),
novelist Frank Robinson leads us through the century and
puts the genre into thoughtful, entertaining perspective. No-
table among the season's contemporary photography books is
Hotel LaChapelle (Bulfinch), a lavish edition showcasing the
work of David LaChapelle (who shot this month’s Naomi
Campbell cover and
pictorial). A whimsi-
cal view of America is
offered by inventive
lensman David Gra-
ham and NPR com-
mentator Andrei Co-
drescu in Land of the
Free: What Makes Amer-
icons Different (Aper-
ture). Photographer Da-
vid Alan Harvey and
writer Elizabeth New-
house collaborate in
Cuba (National Geo-
graphic). Harvey was
granted unprecedent-
ed access to Cuba, and
his work presents the
Cuban landscape and
people in a way unseen by most outsiders. The first compre-
hensive reference book devoted to black history is Africana: The
Encyclopedia of the African and African American Experience (Basic
Civitas), edited by Kwame Anthony Appiah and Henry Louis
Gates Jr. It's a scholarly book (with more than 2000 pages)
that covers the entire history of Africa and the African diaspo-
ra, meaning readers will find topics ranging from aardvarks
to aflirmative action to Tupac Shakur. If men and tools аге
synonymous, you'll want to see Toolbox (St. Martin's) by Fabio
Morabito. The text, translated from Spanish, offers a postin-
dustrial (and lyrical) look at screws, knives and pipes. Now
that you've played Santa so artfully, here are two books to put
on your own wish list: Erotic Art: From the 17th to the 20th Century
(Edition Stemmle) and Love and Desire (Chronicle). In Erotic
Art, editor Peter Weiermair presents uncirculated portfolios
from artists such as Pablo Picasso and Hans Bellmer. Love and
Desire, edited by William Ewing, is a feast of sexy photographs
collected from the work of, among others, Man Ray, Robert
Mapplethorpe, Brassai and Herb Ritts.
— PAUL ENGLEMAN

HEROES AND VILLAINS:
The product of three ond
a half years of work and
ten individual instollments
in PLAYBOY magazine, The
Century of Sex: Playboy’s
History of the Sexual Rev-
olution 1900-1999 (Grove
Press), by Jomes
R. Petersen, edit-
ed by Hugh M.
Hefner, is some-

thing ta be praud of. With 32 pages of
color photos, the baak chronicles the sex-
val and cultural histary of our century. Pe-
tersen lets the heraes (Margaret Sanger,
Mae West) and the villains (1. Edgar Hoo-
ver, Anthony Camstack) have their say.
Then, in lively prose, Petersen hos his.

|

d -— |

_ FITNESS

GET FIT GEAR

By the time we ring in the new millennium, we'll all have
heard a zillion ways to avoid indulging—and bulging—over
the holidays. Our advice: Ignore the advice. This is a once-in-
а-Шейте party; you'll have plenty of time to work off your
excesses in the next millennium. Toward that end, we've
tracked down smart exercise tools to stuff into your gym bag.
Most are practical, portable and modestly priced—and they.
make great gifts. Good to Go: Jump rope if you're looking
for a quick fix. Just ten minutes with Ironwear's Bat Wing
(draped around our lovely model's shoulders) burns as many
calories as jogging for a half hour. Made of rubber with er-
gonomically designed handles for a better grip, this speed
торе costs $20 and is the perfect go-anywhere piece of gear.
Just as compact is Bodylastics, a clever training system that
delivers a total-body workout comparable to lifting free
weights. Packed in a laptop-sized bag are four bands (of vary-
ing resistance), a how-to video and a book outlining 18 ex-
ercises you can perform easily at home or on the road—
all for $40. Get a Lift: Adding light hand weights to your
cardiovascular workout boosts intensity while building
strength. Ігопмеаг Hand Irons are the most comfort-
able models we've found, thanks to а clever design that
allows them to fasten firmly around each hand like a
boxing glove. They're available in weights of two, four
and six pounds per pair. The price: $20 to $30. For
guys who want to weight-train but don't have
room for an elaborate free-weight setup, Prem-
ise Products offers the sleek ProBell 30 Limited
bars ($400 per pair, below). Each bar features ten
removable chrome plates totaling 30 pounds, а
quick release system for easy weight adjustment.
and a storage tray. You select a weight on the
dial (say, 20 pounds) and then lift. The extra
ten pounds of plates are automatically re-
leased and remain in the tray. When you
want to increase the weight, place the bars
in the tray, adjust the dial upward and
the extra plates reattach. It's the Shoes:
Nike's new Air
positively 2020. These hoops shoes (in

The hard body at right is sporting Ironwear's
Hand Irons, one-, two- ond three-pound weights
that fit boxing glove-style oround each hond
(520 to 530 per poir). The Bot Wing rubber speed
горе (hanging around her neck) is another Iron-
weor innovation. It features ergonomic hondles
with performance enhoncing fingertips (520).

metallic gold and black) are ultrathin and have a cover that
zips over the laces, creating a kind of Air Jordan-meets-Aqua-
man effect. Nike has also introduced the Contagious ($75),
the first shoe designed exclusively for spinning. Created with
the help of Johnny С, spinning's Australian inventor, the Con-
tagious is built like a cycling shoe. It combines a rigid nylon
plate at the base (for improved pedaling) with a lightweight
mesh, which breathes better than leather in those oven-like
spinning rooms. Perfect Timing: Nike's Typhoon is a $135
digital watch for surfers that is programmed with high- and
low-tide information for 175 beaches worldwide. The infor-
mation in the Typhoon’s database is good for the next 50
years. But even if you never catch a wave, this funky sports
watch has useful gym-rat features, including a countdown
timer and chronograph race timer. Finally, if you're commit-
ted to getting fit, a heart rate monitor is a wise invest-

ment. These wireless gadgets, which consist of a
chest-strap sensor and a wristwatch-type moni-
tor, were once considered a training tool pri-
marily for hard-core runners and triathletes.
But thanks to falling prices (you can get a basic
HRM for about $60, compared with at least
$200 a few years ago), they're being used by
an increasing number of exercisers who
want to maximize their gym time. How do
they work? Most HRMs emit a beep
when your heart rate goes above or be-
low your target training zone (220 mi-
nus your age, multiplied by 65 per-
cent and 85 percent). The goal is
to avoid setting off the beep. Bet-
ter HRMs have sports-watch fea-
tures, including an alarm, a
stopwatch function and a lap
timer. Our favorites: Freestyle's
Circuit Seven ($200), one of
the few НЕМ» stylish enough
to wear outside the gym, and
the Polar Coach ($230), featuring.
technology for beaming workout
stats to a PC. —KRISTIN JOHNSON

Below left (clockvise from top): Nike's Typhoon
surf watch (5135) and two heart rate monitors—
the Polar Cooch (5230) and Freestyle’s Circuit
Seven ($200). Below center: Premise Products"
ProBell 30 Limited bars with odjustoble chrome
plates (5400 рег poir). Below right: Nike's Conta-
gious is a shoe designed for spinning (575).

GEORGE GEORGIOU.

ктү кх PROTECTED BY COPYRIGHT. RINGS ENE A ЫШ

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SEX

tis unusual to meet a man's balls be-

fore you meet him, but that's what
happened when ]. and I made a couple
of new friends at Le Trapeze, a swing
club in New York City.

Perhaps І should explain. A week be-
fore, ]., then my newly intended (now
my lawfully wedded), raised the bar on
our sexual adventurousness by propos-
ing that we check out a swing club. He
called it a reconnaissance mission: a re-
port from the front—and the back, if
you will.

At first I was dismissive, chalking it up
to his not-so-latent Peeping Tomism. But
then I remembered watching commer-
cials for Plato's Retreat on Channel J ава
young teen, and I was gripped with a
nauseous nostalgia: the cheesy disco mu-
sic, the white guys with afros and thick
mustaches, their arms around foxy wing-
haired and willing women holding plas-
tic glasses of champagne. I wondered:
Do these people still exist, and what do
they look like now? Who, in this age of
safe, anonymous sex on the Internet,
STDs and Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's dra-
conian sex-club laws, still goes out in pub-
lic and does this stuff, with real people?

High-minded sociological interest
aside, J. and I also harbored fantasies of
encountering some sexual Shangri-la.
An opium den out of the pages of Anais
Nin, littered with luxurious throw pil-
lows, the scent of jasmine in the air, fresh
figs and delicate wines, peopled with
nymphets and sculptured Greek gods
bathing one another with languorous ca-
resses. Lurking in the recesses of my ego
was the further fantasy: Maybe they'll all
want me!

We decided to go, blend in with the
others and comply with the rules of the
house, whatever they might be. The fact
that Le ‘Trapeze is well established was a
plus, although its reputation as a club for
“the serious swinger” made me nervous.
From our research, it was apparent that
watching was a big activity. I knew that
was all Га be doing, and if J. valued his
hide, he'd follow suit.

At the door, the man behind the Plex-
iglas window took $95 for the two of us
(the club is strictly couples-only). When
J. inquired, the man told us it was very
quiet inside—just ten couples. When we
had called the night before, we learned
that the fewer the couples, the more in-
tense the swinging. Hmmm. The big dou-
ble doors opened, and there we were.

By AMANDA GREEN

THE SWINGING
SCENE

A greeter welcomed us politely and es-
corted us to the locker room. We passed
a “juice bar and buffet area” with small
tables, one of which was occupied by a
respectably toweled couple, happily chat-
ting and digging into steaming platefuls
of gray spaghetti and meatballs. Our
greeter then walked us past several pri-
vate rooms with closed doors. He point-
ed toward a curtained door that led to
the Party Room, which he said was very
quiet. We nodded authoritatively as we
passed an empty, pedestaled, bubbling
Jacuzzi on our way to the deserted lock-
‘er room, We were given keys and towels.
I went to the ladies’ room to disrobe.
The towel was comfortably ample to con-
ceal and stay on. So far, I was relieved at
how unthreatening the atmosphere was.
J. and I set out to explore.

We hit the Party Room first. Outside,
signs were posted: One politely suggest-
ing that couples refrain from anal and
vaginal intercourse, in accordance with
the Board of Health. The other stated
that couples must be fully disrobed to
enter. We ignored that one, walked in
and were immediately greeted by the
sight of three couples in a large, dimly
lit, mirrored room with mats on the floor
(something like wrestling mats, with a
similar smell). Where were my satin throw
pillows? My jasmine? At first it was hard to
tell if the couples were even moving, but

soon we could discern bobbing heads,
stroking arms, and we could hear subtle
sighs. None of the couples was interact-
ing with the others: two ordinary-look-
ing men were going down on their la-
dies, one of whom was huge; the third
couple was in the missionary position,
quietly jiggling with exertion. No nymph-
ets here, no sculptured Adonises.

“OK,” I said to J. after a few seconds,
“what say we hit the juice bar?”

Upon closer inspection, the juice bar
consisted mainly of a soda gun, ice, plas-
tic glasses and a jar of dangerously old-
looking fancy cookies. The gray spaghet-
ti clump was the only offering from the
buffet. Where were my fresh figs and mead?
We helped ourselves to Sprite and went
to check out another bar area across the
way—also empty. A ТУ monitor over-
head was playing a video, a tightly fo-
cused shot of a cock going into a vagina;
then it showed a woman sucking one
man—no, two men—while being taken
from behind, in her behind, by a third.
Tight shot of his dick going in and out of
her anus. OK, I thought, this is a little
too much reality. But luckily some mar-
velous acting made up for it. J. snapped
me out of its hypnotic spell by pointing
to a little cubicle opposite the bar We
went to look, and it was there we en-
countered the aforementioned balls,

‘There was a couple fucking at our
feet. All we could see of the woman was a
pair of black-stockinged legs winging a
man’s shoulders as he pumped away. In-
stinctively, I said, “Excuse me,” and quick-
ly left the room, but a feminine voice re-
assured us, “Hey, no problem at all.” We
tried to go back in, but another couple
darted past us to look, blocking the en-
tryway as we heard cries of a climax.
“See?” J. said. “You snooze, you lose.”

The cubicle couple emerged, and the
man dropped a condom into a wastebas-
ket. They then headed toward the juice
bar. We followed.

They looked promisingly friendly and
very pleased with themselves and their
recent performance. 1 felt a little like we
were going backstage to meet the Lunts
after a show, and wanted to shake their
hands and say, “Well done!” We intro-
duced ourselves, and they cheerfully іп-
vited us to join them. 1 hastily explained
that we were not propositioning them,
just interested in talking. But it was un-
necessary, as they were interested only in
cach other. The — (continued on page 232)

43

Enjoy our quality responsibly. cRoWiROYALeINPORTED N THE BOTTLESBLENDEO CANADIAN WHSKY=40% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME (80 PROOF)+@1299 JOSEPH E SEAGRAM & SONS, NEW TORK, NY

МЕМ

Н еге are the six most important
questions my readers sent Santa
Claus this year. He has agreed to answer
them in exchange for a subscription го
PLAYBOY and a date with two Centerfolds.

Dear Santa: Some boys at school say you.
do not exist. Are you for real? (J.T., Cotton
Plant, Arkansas)

Dear J.T.: Of course I exist, and this
response proves it. 1 have long white
hair and a white beard and a red Santa
suit with white fur trim. I live at the
North Pole with 400 elves and eight tiny
reindeer. And once a year, I travel the
world in a single night and deliver gifts
to all the good children out there. Bad
children, of course, get nothing from me
but dried reindeer droppings. And while
I do not like to single you ош, J.T, do
not expect any presents from me this
Christmas. Not after you secretly video-
taped your homeroom teacher doing the
nasty on the tumbling mats in the gym
with the school guidance counselor and
his dog, King.

Dear Santa: Are you married? If so, have
you been faithful to Mrs. Claus? And how
will she handle it when the two PLAYBOY Cen-
terfolds arrive? (L.B., Beaverhead, New
Mexico)

Dear L.B.: I was married once, but it
was a struggle for me to remain faithful,
especially on Christmas Eve (so many
women, so little time). Still, I cleaned
up my act, attended a sexual addiction
seminar and assumed things were com-
ing back into balance domestically. Mrs.
Claus, however, took the message of
women's lib so seriously she moved to
the South Pole and started her own holi-
day gift delivery service. We divorced
years ago, and she is now suing me for
unfair labor practices. The battle be-
tween us never ends, it seems, so I will
experience no guilt at all as I romp like a
loon with the pair of gorgeous Center-
folds PLAYBOY is sending me.

Dear Sania: Do the Christmas gift lists you
receive from women reveal anything about
them? I find todays women to be perplex-
ing and confusing creatures and cannot seem
1o score with amy of them. Please help me!
(R.M., Hurricane, Alaska)

Dear R.M.: To answer your question
would require the disclosure of propri-
etary information, but I will tell you this
much: Іп amazing numbers, today's
women ask me for things like vibrators
and porn tapes. That certainly tells me a

48 lot about them. Why your sexual cup-

By ASA BABER

board is bare is beyond me—I can truth-
fully state that women today are horni-
er than ever. While many of them take
matters into their own hands, I am sure
they would welcome a little help from
their friends if it were offered in the right
spirit. My advice? Look in the mirror.
Therein may lie the problem.

Dear Santa: Гат R.M.'s brother, Т, and.
your previous answer does not satisfy me.
What have you learned about women from
their communications with you? I think I
speak for most men in saying ше are thor-
oughly bewildered about women today, and
we look to you for spiritual guidance. (T.M,
Hurricane, Alaska)

Dear T.M.: You got me there, big fel-
la. I was trying to dodge your brother's
question about what women want be-
cause I'm not sure I have an answer to it.
Let me refer you to some of the con-
founding Christmas requests I received
this year and see if you can make sense of
them. For example, M.B. of Tomahawk,
Wisconsin has requested things as dis-
parate as a commodities price chart for
soybeans and a certified plaster cast of
Barry Manilow's penis. (“If he has
one,” she adds.) J.S. of Wagon Wheel
Gap, Colorado wants a year’s supply of
beef jerky as well as a bottle of cologne
and an autographed picture of Jewel.
S.J. of Zapata, Texas asks me to send her
a winning Grand Slam lottery ticket, five

pipers piping and a partridge in a pear
tree. Get the picture, man? Women to-
day want everything under the sun, and
if they can't have it, then they assume it's
our fault.

Dear Santa: What's your relationship with
your elves? Do you ever get it on with any of
them? And what is life like with your rein-
deer? (М.Р, Scipio, Utah)

Dear М.Р: I see you're а Mormon with
six wives who feels he has a right to
judge other people, but I will answer
your question anyway. It is my experi-
ence that elves make great companions.
The affection I feel for Wyndrogynous,
my Chief Elf, is immense, and we have
shared many a good laugh together. He
knows how to pack a sleigh and repair
my onboard computer, My favorite fe-
male elf, Synfynia, always accompanies
me on Christmas Eve and gives me great
aid and comfort as we hop around the
globe. As for my reindeer, Dancer and
Prancer have a highly campy attitude to-
ward their jobs and need to be moni-
tored carefully, but Donner and Blitzen
are wired for endurance and speed. As
for Dasher, he sold out and went to work
for Mrs. Claus several years ago. (My
spies tell me she treats him badly.)

Dear Santa: By this time next year, Ameri-
ca will have a new president. Who will it be?
(M.G., Urania, Louisiana)

Dear M.G.: The winner of the next
presidential election will be that candi-
date who most reminds the American
people of me. Try to picture Ross Perot
іп a Santa Claus outfit. It doesn't work,
does it? Steve Forbes? Pat Buchanan?
No way they would make a good Santa.
Jesse Ventura scares people. The man
called W seems too brash, John McCain
comes close to the ideal, Gary Bauer
would make a better elf, Elizabeth Dole
can't handle the beard and Al Gore is not
flexible enough to get down the chim-
ney. So my money is on Bill Bradley, who
could be a Santa Claus of the first order.
But I have been fooled before, you
know. This last guy we elected seemed
like an acceptable Santa at first. He had
the face and the build and the voice for
it—but who could have predicted where
he was going to stick his candy cane or
how often he was going to lie about it?
Not this bowlful of jelly.

raster Group US, LLC, New Yoril

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Eve Is on the Sparrow

Corbin Motors’ Sparrow (pictured above) looks like something Scrooge McDuck would drive. But who cares

when you're behind the wheel of an electric machine that travels 30 to 60 miles between recharges and wings it
from zero to 65 in 13 seconds? Technically, the fiberglass-bodied one-passenger Sparrow is a three-wheel motorcycle. (You'll need
an M classification on your driver's license.) The cycle designation cuts serious red tape and keeps insurance costs down. Power
windows, a stereo and а heater аге standard equipment. Air-conditioning is nature's own. Behind the seat there's storage space
for a briefcase and a bag or two of groceries. Power to the Sparrow's DC motor comes from 13 lead-acid batteries that can be
recharged via normal house current in six hours—or booted up in two if you're plugged into 220 voltage. Chuck Gang, Corbin's
vice president of marketing, says the company expects to manufacture about 800 machines this year. Look for eight of them in the
forthcoming Mel Gibson movie Million Dollar Hotel. Price: 512,900; the Sparrow is available in red, blue, green, pink, teal, silver
‘and purple. И comes in yellow, too, but that may not be the best choice if there's duck hunting where you live.

Attention, Carnivores
The traditional Christmas dinner mainstay is re- Best Bet: Baccarat

не а = кенч gus UE темы i Despite its roped-off location in most cosinos and its James Bond mys-
ten-pound standing rib reast—with rib bones at- tique, baccarat is a card game with surprisingly friendly odds. In fact, it’s
tached. Toke it out of the refrigerator and let it really a guessing game. You bet on who wins, banker or ployer—or оп o

come to room temperature—30 to 40 minutes. tie. After bets have been placed, the dealer deals two two-card hands.
Follow the blueprint below. Place the roast in а The values of the cords in each hand ore totaled; the object is to come as
рап outfitted with a rack, so the juices can run off. close to nine as possible. (Tens and face cards count zero. If the total of
Insert a needle-nose meat thermometer in the your cards goes over

thickest part of the roast and away from any bones nl

for an accurate reading to determine doneness. third card may also be

dealt, but play follows
strict rules, with no de-
cisions made by the
players. Banker ond
player bets pay even
money, minus five per-
cent to the house in
winning banker bets.
Those odds moke these
bets some of the best
in а casino. Betting on
а fie pays eight-to-one,
but don't go there. It’s
for suckers. In chemin
de fer, a similar game
popular in Europe, you
bet against other play-
ers. Stick with baccarct
and break the house.

Back in Action
The Steelcose Co. in
Grand Ropids, Michi-
gon con't do anything
about your boss’ being
о poin in the ass, but it
hos done something
about poins in the
bock. After four years
of reseorch, company
ergonomists concluded
thot a person's upper
1 — ond lower Боск move
in different directions when a person chonges positions.
By providing independent controls for the upper ond
lower back, the Leop is the first office chair designed to
mimic the spine's movements (everyone has a specific
"spine print"). Two versions of the Leop ore ovoilable: a
$700 model vith upper and lower back controls, alter-
nate bockstops ond o seot height control; and a $1300
choir (pictured above) that olso hos lumbar height con-
trol, o high bockrest and extros such os suede, polished
leother or pillowed upholstery.

If you plonned ahead, you already know which chempogne
you'll be drinking to ring in the new millennium. We hove some
1985 Dom Pérignon ond о 1985 Krug Clos de Mesnil salted
awoy for the occasion. But the entire holidoy seoson, from
Thanksgiving through New Yeor's, will offord many opportuni-
ties to shore champogne with friends. It mokes sense to have а
few coses on hand. We recommend some nonvintage bruts that
will be especially appropriate this seoson. The full-bodied Pol
Roger's Brut remoins one of our fovorites, but we olso like the
Veuve Clicquot Yellow Lobel Brut, Bollinger's Speciol Cuvee Brut
ond the Deutz Brut Clossic. If you like o lighter chompogne, we
recommend the Nicholos Feuillatte Brut Premier Cru, the Pom-
50 тегу Brut Royal or Toittinger's Brut La Frongoise.

Clothesline: Mark McEwen

The co-host of CBS This Morning hos worn
Donna Karan suits ever since the design-
er outfitted him for the Olympic Winter
Gomes іп Nogono, Japan, “I'm o big guy,”
McEwen says. "Some designers don't
moke suits for men my size, but Karan
does, ond so do Ermenegildo Zegna and
Jhone Bornes. Giorgio Armani mokes the
ties | wear.” Н wosn't olways that way.
McEwen admits that he's reolly a casual
dresser, hoving been a disc jockey in Bal
more, Detroit ond Chicago before ending

up in New York City. “When 1 first went with CBS I hod only jeans
and Howoiian shirts, so | hod to make о tronsition to suits ond ties.”

Guys Are Talking About...

Two-wheelers to go. Bikes don't get more portoble than the
Strida (pictured here), on English-made model that weighs
only 22 pounds, folds into ihe compact unit shown and fea-
tures o low-maintenonce Kevlar belt drive. Price: about
$550. ® Female football. The Women's Professional Football
League kicked off this foll with two teoms—the Minnesoto
Vixens and the Loke Michigan Minx—doing battle on the
gridiron in six exhibition games. The copper, Supro Bow! 1,
will be ployed December 18 at the Metrodome in Minneop-
olis. ө Cider. The Ace in the Hole, o cider pub, opened re-
cently in Sebastopol. It's owned by the California Cider Co.,
and only house brand Ace hord ciders are served. In oddi-
tion to opple cider there are exotic quafís made from honey
ond pears. ® Great pillows. The Company Store sells о
king-size pillow for $2300 that's stuffed with the sinfully lux-
urious down of the Arctic Circle eider duck. For less-de-
manding sleepers, there's Medisana's $70 Orthoform Head
Pillow with о foom core that's shaped to odjust to the ears
and back of the heod. ® Wine Вгсіз. This group of young
adult wine enthusiasts has 45 chapters notionwide, but their
approach to the grape is more Bocchus ond Butt-heod thon
enological. Tostings sponsored by Beringer, Korbel ond Gallo
rock to o techno DJ and the Brots ore ofíiliated with a mago-

zine called Wine X, whose B E
-SIRER * a ES

tag line is "Wine, Food
and on Intelligent
Slice of Vice."

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THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Д bout three years ago, I began getting
monthly therapeutic massages. My mas-
seuse is a lovely woman with a warm per-
sonality, not to mention a great touch.
Initially 1 was apprehensive about being
alone and naked with her (except for the
obligatory sheet), but as we got to know
each other I found it easier to relax. I
became so comfortable, in fact, that I be-
gan to get erections during the massage.
1 remember the shot of fear when I be-
came hard for the first time. 1 expected
my masseuse to ask me to leave. (I had
signed a form before our first session
acknowledging that the massages would
be therapeutic and not sexual.) But she
never said a word about it, even after the
massage had ended. That put me even
more at ease. I became erect again dur-
ing the next session, and made the sheet
rise like a pup tent. During the third ses-
sion in which I became hard, ту mas-
seuse aggressively massaged my inner
thighs, moving her fingers close to but
not touching my penis or testicles. The
sheet rubbed rapidly against the swollen
and sensitive head of my penis. After a
few minutes, I realized I was going to
come. While trying to decide what to do,
I had an orgasm. My masseuse paused
while I spurted and quivered on the
table, then finished the massage. This
pattern has been repeated, almost with-
out interruption, every month since. She
has never exposed or made contact with
my genitals. I have told my wife about
this and she says that as a strongly empa-
thetic woman, my masseuse is following
her instincts to make me feel good. Му
wife says the therapist allows this to hap-
pen and maybe even assists in my plea-
sure because I am considerate and dis-
creet. But I'm left with a few questions:
How common is this experience? Is
there any possibility that my masseuse
is oblivious to my orgasms? Should I
broach this with her, or would I risk ru-
ining a good thing? Also, is she violating
any ethical standards?—A.R., Albuquer-
que, New Mexico

You told your wife? Forget the masseuse;
your spouse is the real find. Of course your
massage therapist knows what's going on.
She's seen plenty of erections and nipples
propping up that sheet; it’s a natural re-
action. Orgasms are less frequent, but only
because most people become self-conscious,
as you did, and the teusion deflates their.
arousal. We see no need to verbalize the un-
derstanding you've reached—enjoy the rid
Your orgasms arc a by -product of the mas-
sage rather than its goal, so in our view your
masseuse isn't violating any ethical stan-
dards by not interrupting your pleasure. She
also wouldn't be violating any standards by
refusing to continue. Each masseuse estab-
lishes her own personal boundaries, and

many aren't comfortable knowing that their
client is getting turned on.

Hs there a way to combine the miles from
various frequent flier programs? І һауе
10,000 to 15,000 miles with each of sev-
eral airlines. But that's short ofthe miles
required by any one of them to get an
award.—L.R., Des Moines, Iowa

The airlines want your loyalty, which is
why they created award programs. Allowing
passengers to combine miles would accom-
plish nothing besides generating general
goodwill, and that doesn't pay the bills.
(Among the major carriers, only U.S. Air-
ways and American have a domestic part-
nership that allows passengers to combine
miles.) Randy Petersen of webflyer.com is an
authority on ашаға programs, which can be
more difficult to navigate than the tax code.
Не suggests this loophole: Convert your miles
into Hilton HHonors points, which allow
you to switch air miles from different air-
lines to hotel points and back. The downside:
You pay a hefty fee—as much as 70 percent
of your miles—to convert. Since most miles
no longer expire, maybe you should hang on
to them. You also could redeem them for
reduced-fare tickets, hotel stays and rental
cars, or give them to charity

1 had a personalized license plate on my
car for more than three years that read
УОМАММА. When I attempted to renew it,
the DMV denied my request, saying it
was “objectionable.” I tried urasraz. This
was turned down too. What is going on?
What happened to free speech?—T.
Gainesville, Florida

Free speech absolutists argue that the state
shouldn't restrict what people put on their
cars; pragmatists say there's enough road

ILLUSTRATION EY ISTVANBANYAL

rage without inciting more (presumably,
Florida believes URASPAZ could provoke а vi-
olent spaz). The pragmatists are in the driv-
er's seat for now (vanity plates are seen as а
privilege, not a right) and state DMVs are
given broad mandates to deny any request.
that might alarm someone, including drug
slang, ethnic slurs, insults, salty language
and sexual innuendo. Some people have
beaten the system: California approved a cat
lover's request for APUSSY, and a bald guy got
the OK for NAKDHD. A few years ago, we
ashed the California DMV for a printout of
its nearly 87,000 unacceptable configura-
tions (Florida has a similar but smaller list).

Ve couldn't figure out why most of them had
been banned (Obscure drug slang? Foreign
cuss words?), but some stood out in the “look-
ing for trouble” category: ICU2COP, IH8DMV,

PHUCOPH, XWIFSUK, IWILLSU, SRYPU and
REFEREE. Forbidden sexual terms included

OBUGRME, FLAME, EASYLAY, GRETUNG, SWAVOK,
NT2BZA6, TURBLO and the desperately honest
NEEDSEX. When the DMV prevents drivers
from getting laid—that’s when we get angry.

Но. many people does it take to have
an orgy?—WS., Los Angeles, California

Technically? Two is a couple, and three is
а threesome. Four could be described as an
orgy, but more likely it’s two couples, or a
threesome and a guy saying, "I thought this
was an orgy.” Five is more likely a threesome
and a couple, Six could be two threesomes or
three couples or a couple, a threesome and
the same poor sap. You get the idea. It's an
orgy when you lose count.

Tye lived the pLaveoy lifestyle. Гуе had
sports cars, speedboats, motorcycles and
an ultralight plane; I have traveled to 13
countries, served in the Navy, owned a
business and dated dozens of great wom-
en. But I just turned 48 and there is
nothing in my life that excites me any-
more: not my toys, not sex, not sports,
nothing. I look at beautiful young wom-
en and become sad; I know they're
thinking I should be playing checkers in
the park with their dads rather than hit-
ting on them. As Peggy Lee once sang,
“Is that all there is?" I suppose I am ex-
periencing a midlife crisis, but what to
do about it?—R.T., Phoenix, Arizona
We've never embraced this idea of the
midlife crisis. Every man reevaluates his life
when it's about half over, and the huge та-
jority don't miss a step. Your loss of interest
in activities you have always enjoyed, espe-
cially sex and sports, points to at least mild
depression. That's something a doctor can
determine, and treat. Not that you need a
рер talk from us, but the aging process seems
to accelerate in the 40s and 50s—you feel
more aches and pains, your libido loses
some ground, you gain a few pounds, your
cholesterol may rise. On the bright side, your

55

PLAYBOY

56 know. My body thanks you."

immune system is in peak form. Now, more
than ever, it’s critical to stay active and en-
gaged and figure out what challenges you'll
meet over the next 48 years. As for those
beautiful young women: Those who like old-
er guys are a barrel of fun, but don't rely on
them to validate your virility. You haven't
lived until you've been with a woman over
40, especially one who has pursued the
PLAYBOY lifestyle as well.

Which is better, wax or polish?—J.R.,
Hinsdale, Illinois

How do you feel about your car? If you're
in love, polish once а month. It’s easier to
apply than wax, and polish will remove light
scratches and restore gloss to the paint or
clear coat. If you're just friends, apply а pro-
lective coat of natural or synthetic шах
Avoid direct sunlight while you're doing this,
and don't cover a large area at once, as it
may be difficult to buff if it has too long to
dry. You won't need to apply а пеш coat un-
til water no longer beads on the surface. If a
car you love is painted а dark color, consider
polishing and waxing. Also, keep а mist-
and-wipe product handy to remove bird shit
and other corrosives before they damage the
paint, or you may have problems that can’t
be fixed with а rubdown.

Û read an article a few years ago about a
Beaujolais wine that is best served fresh.
Supposedly there was a party in New
York at which the hosts served a Beaujo-
lais that had been flown in from Paris on
the Concorde and delivered by ambu-
lance. Do you know which label it was
and how much a boule costs?—A.L.,
Nashville, Tennessee.

You're thinking of Beaujolais Nouveau, a
light, fruity red released each year on the
third Thursday of November, six weeks after
it's produced. It costs about 89, unless you
pay the air freight. To generate publicity,
vintners in Ihe Beaujolais region, south of
Burgundy, rush their young wine to Paris оп
the official release date, where it’s loaded on-
10 à Concorde bound for New York. They
have distributed cases in other unorthodox
ways, such as by ambulance, elephant, rick-
shaw апа balloon. The publicity has made
the wine so popular that it now accounts for
as much as half of the production of ihe re-
gion. That's unfortunate, because the hoopla
steals attention from the other wines pro-
duced there. Our favorite is Moulin-à-Vent,
which needs at least three years to develop.

IM, sex life sucks. My wife and I have
a ten-month-old son. Toward the end
of her pregnancy, our sex life began to
deteriorate. If I want sex I have to be
“good” (i.e., if I don't talk about it о
beg, I may get a treat). I used to fondle
my wife when she bent over or came out
of the shower. She became frustrated
with my always "grabbing" her. One day
I made a comment about how I had
stopped fondling her and she replied, “I
I get tired

of masturbating when I have a wife.
Everyone tells me to leave, but I can't
abandon my son. Are there any pills, po-
tions or spices to make my wife horny
again? I cannot live forever like this—
sometimes I feel like I'm useful only as a
sperm bank.—G.M., Sarasota, Florida
Raising a child can be exhausting—have
you noticed? When your wife has an hour to
herself, she's looking for a corner to relax in.
Sex, as wonderful as it can be, isn’t on her
mind. That won't last forever, but you're not
helping matters by whining about your
needs. Beat off and lend a hand. The arrival
of a kid changes everyone's priorities, and
the relationship has to work around that. It's
not unusual for a woman's libido to disap-
pear during the third trimester and for some
months after the birth. Postpartum depres-
sion, the constant stress of caring for an in-
fant and sleep deprivation all take a toll on
the sex drive. Breast-fecding also depresses
the libido and causes the vaginal lining to
become dry. This may be evolutionary: After
an infant arrives, a woman can't risk anoth-
er pregnancy or spend her energy on any-
thing but keeping that helpless kid alive. Arc
you touching your wife іп ways besides а
grope? Rethink your view of foreplay. Turn-
ing on а пеш mother can be as simple as no-
obligation shoulder rubs, stroking her hair,
bathing your child together, giving her time
alone. Your wife and her libido will be back,
but only if you don't drive her nuts f

One of our favorite positions is 69. Re-
cently, I was on my back when my hus-
band came, and semen ran up my nose
into my sinuses. Within a day, 1 was hit
with one of the worst allergy attacks I've
ever had. I didn't have the sneezing and
runny nose that usually occurs but
stead suffered a sore throat and earache.
Тһе pain began on the same side of my
head as the nostril the semen entered.
Could this have been an allergic reac-
tion?—M.M., Grand Rapids, Michigan

Dr. Jonathan Bernstein of the University
of Cincinnati College of Medicine, an expert
іп human seminal plasma hypersensitivity,
says that rather than an allergy, your case
sounds like an intense response to an (un-
usual) irritant. If you were allergic to your.
husband's semen, you'd have realized it long
ago. When a woman who is allergic to her
partner's semen comes into contact with it
during intercourse, she commonly experi-
ences vaginal burning, itching or swelling
that can last for hours. А few women have
systemic reactions: wheezing, itching and
hives, chest tightness, vomiting or diarrhea.
The giveaway that it’s a semen allergy, Bern-
stein says, is that there ате no symptoms
when the man uses a condom.

How do you open a Swiss bank ac-
count?—S.E, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Something you'd like to tell us? The easi-
est way is fo visit a bank in Switzerland with
passport and money order in hand. A per-
sonal visit also is the only way to get an

“anonymous” numbered account (bank offi-
cials will know your identity, so it’s nol а
complete secret). You can open an account by
тай, but you'll generally need $10,000 to
$25,000 and must prove your identity with
a passport. The chief appeal of a Swiss bank
account is privacy. Bankers there can legal-
ly reveal information about their customers
only in exceptional circumstances, such as
when there's evidence of drug traffi
sider trading, money laundering or another
serious crime, Swiss banks also offer @ range
of international investment services, and the
Swiss franc is relatively stable. Mark Skou-
sen, the author of Scrooge Investing and an
expert in financial privacy, suggests Austria
as an alternative: Its secrecy laus are stron-
ger, the Austrians require smaller open-
ing deposits and pay more interest, and the
banks don't nickel and dime you with fees, a
practice for which the Swiss are notorious.
Keep in mind that the IRS requires you to re-
port any foreign bank account that has a
value of more than $10,000 at any time dur-
ing the previous year.

SSomeone on an Internet bulletin
board asked for the nude codes for the
game Tomb Raider. I'm assuming that
means there's a way to have Lara Croft
go through her adventures in the buff.
True?—J.W, Seattle, Washington

Rumors have heen circulating for years
that Tomb Raider includes a code that, when
entered during play, removes Lara's clothes.
The gamemaker says that's bunk, though
there is rogue code for a PlayStation cheat
cartridge called Xplorer that supposedly
makes Lara nude for the first level af Tomb
Raider Ш. The code, which contains 1164
characters, must be carefully entered with a
game controller, which can take hours (our
tester gave up). Some gamers have created a
similar effect for earlier PG versions of the
game; search at game-revolution.com for
“nude patch.” It’s all mildly interesting but
not nearly as erotic as, зау, an actual nude
woman. Like the one walking around your
bedroom. Trying to get your attention. Be-
cause you're busy at your PlayStation peck-
ing in codes.

All reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat-
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquetie—will be
personally answered if the writer includes a
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre-
sented in these pages each month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad
visor@playbay.com. Look for responses to
our most frequently asked questions at
playboy.com/fag, and check out the Advisor's
latest collection of sex tricks, 365 Ways to
Improve Your Sex Life, available in book-
slores or by phoning 800-423-9494.

©1997 Lancaster US LLC, New York. МУ. 10017

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a hundred years of heroes and villains

Century of Sex: Playboy's History of

the Sexual Revolution, ranks the
men and women who changed the
face of sex, for good or bad, during
the past hundred years:

1. Thomas Edison: Electricity pow-
ered the amusement halls and intro-
duced downtown Saturday night, giv-
ing men and women a destination for
dates, and created, in effect, a sin-
gle sexual culture. Moving pic-

1 ames R. Petersen, author of The

“family limitation” in 1914 and had to
flee the country. She opened the na-
tion's first birth control clinic in 1916
and went to jail. She wrestled with
doctors to make birth control a med-
ical concern, and lobbied Congress
and the Post Office to dismantle the
Comstock Act. During Prohibition,
she smuggled diaphragms into the
country among shipments of contra-

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меге to be shed and sex lay at the
root of everything. Desire was a drive
equal to thirst or hunger, nothing
more, nothing less. Not having sex
caused horrible neuroses. During the
Fifties, Freud was resurrected by con-
servatives to herd women back into
ional sex roles. One team of
Freudians claimed that for men sex
was as easy as falling off a log; for
women it was like being the log.
In the Sixties, after Masters and

tures taught the nation about ro-
mance, how and when to kiss
2. Anthony Comstock: In 1873

Johnson rediscovered the clitoris,
radical feminists such as Shere
Hite and Anne Koedt labeled Freud

RE
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Comstock persuaded Congress to
beef up a law that prohibited mail-
ing obscenity, which included
formation and items concerning
contraceptives and “things intend-
ed for immoral use.” As a special
agent for the Post Office and sec-
retary of the New York Society for
the Suppression of Vice, he arrest-
ed those who sold “immoral”
books, art and photographs. He
threw abortionists and advocates
of birth control into jail. More
than 80 years after his death in
1915, his influence is still felt. The
Communications Decency Act of
1996, which would have crippled
free expression online, merely
added the word computers to the
original Comstock Act.

3. Havelock Ellis: At the turn of
the century, the first modern sex-
ologist enthusiastically attacked
Victorian stereotypes—the ideas
that modesty is a virtue, that wom-
en have no desire, that masturba-
tion is a disease, that the state has a
right to intervene in the behavior of
consenting adults. His style—collect-
ing case histories and anecdotes
from other cultures—expanded the
universe, showing that sex was not
only completely natural but infinitely
varied.

4, Henry Ford: Who changed sex
more—Sigmund Freud or Ford? Eas-
ily, it was Ford. Americans were doing
it in backseats long before they took
to talking about it on a psychoana-
lyst's couch. The automobile gave lov-
ers mobility and privacy. Away from
prying eyes, anything was possible.

5. Margaret Sanger: She argued for

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band Holland gin. She founded what
would become Planned Parenthood.
In 1950 Sanger persuaded benefactor
Katharine McCormick to underwrite
research for a form of birth control
that would be as simple as taking as-
pirin. Within ten years, gynecologist
John Rock and endocrinologist Gre-
gory Pincus had developed the pill.
6. Sigmund Freud: Hero or villain?
The jury is still out. Freud visited the
U.S. once, in 1909. His works were
translated into English during the
Teens. By the Twenties, flappers and
philosophers had grasped the essen-
tials—repression was bad, inhibitions

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the ultimate sexist oppressor. The

good doctor had claimed that only

vaginal orgasms (and not clitoral)
were mature.

7. Alexander Graham Bell: His
1876 invention was a coast-to-coast
party line by 1915. Dial telephones
(1919) and private lines added
convenience and intimacy. The
telephone put your lover's voice
on the pillow next to your ear. ІҒ
she wasn't there, you had a way to
reach the other names in your
black book. It moved commercial
sex from the tawdry world of
brothels and bars to the more se-
questered world ofcall girls. In the
Eighties, dial-a-porn reminded
the nation of the erotic power of
aural sex. By the Nineties, nov-
els such as Nicholson Baker’s Vox,
and government documents like
the Starr report were devoted 10
Phone sex.

8. Dr. Prince Morrow: In 1901,
this controversial physician ap-
proached venereal disease as a

medical problem, not a moral one.
No longer would the wages of sin in-
clude death and disease. Morrow esti-
mated that 75 out of every 100 men
in New York City had been infected
with gonorrhea, between five and 18
percent with syphilis. To battle the
scourge, he organized the American
Society of Social and Moral Prophy-
laxis, which later became the Ameri-
сап Social Hygiene Association.

9. Dr. John Mahoney: In 1941, at
the onset of World War 11, Howard
Florey, Ernst Chain and Norman
Heatley turned Alexander Fleming's
penicillin into a viable drug, a miracle

57

cure for infection. In 1943 Army рһу-
ician Mahoney discovered that peni-
cillin cures syphilis. Shortly after, Mon-
roe Romansky and George Rittman
found penicillin also cures gonorrhea.

10, James Mann: The country has
periodically been swept by moral pan-
ics. Mann exploited the first of the cen-
tury—a rabid belief in the existence
of a white slave trade (“60,000 daugh-
ters kidnapped into prostitution!”). In
1910 he pushed a bill through Con-
gress that made it against the law to
transport a woman across state lines
for the “purpose of prostitution or de-
bauchery or for any other immoral
purpose.” The Mann Act
launched a national vice
force, the Bureau of In-

vestigation, later known 2Z
as the FBI. АА

11. J. Edgar Hoover: 2
From 1924 to 1972, ће --
was the nation's top sex NA
cop. He raided brothels, M
locked up doctors who 2%
treated prostitutes, selec- 22
tively enforced the Mann 222
Act (from Charlie Chap- АА
lin to Chuck Berry), kept 2Z
secret files on political 22
enemies and fanned the 222
homosexual panic ofthe 22
Fifties with a sexual 22
witch-hunt of “deviants” АА
in government. Hoover 22
was a master of sexual <=
politics (read: blackmail). 2Z

12. Will Hays and Joe —
Breen: In 1922 former 22
Postmaster General Hays 2
left Washington to be- 22
come the moral guardian 22
of cinema. He created a 52
list of dos and don'ts for <>

directors, but it lacked
teeth. In 1932, after the
Legion of Decency threatened a boy-
cott of Hollywood, Hays and Breen еп-
forced the Motion Picture Production
Code, which kept couples in separate
beds, cut the length of a screen kiss
from four seconds to 1.5 seconds, for-
bade nudity and any depiction of sexu-
al pleasure and censored any mention
of abortion, breast-feeding, pregnancy
rth. The code controlled Hol-
lywood for more than three decades.
13. Mae West: She went to jail for
her words, serving eight days for star-
ring in a Broadway play called Sex in
1927. She challenged sexual stereo-
types—what we now view as camp was
revolutionary in its time. She played
with the Hays office and was the na-
tion's first shock jock—an appearance
on Edgar Bergen's radio show led to an

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FCC investigation. West was subse-
quently banned by 130 stations.

14. Morris Ernst: This lawyer for the
fledgling ACLU believed sexual ex-
pression was a civil liberty, an essential
freedom. He defended Mary Ware Den-
пеш right to provide sex education to
young people (1929), fought U.S. Cus-
toms to free literary lust (һе champi-
опей James Joyce's Ulysses in 1933) and
worked with Dr. Hannah Stone to al-
low the importation of birth control
devices in 1933. Following the publi-
cation of the Kinsey report in 1948,
Ernst advocated reform of repressive
state sex laws.

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15. Margaret Mead: The anthropol-
ogist tested Freud's theories of repres-
sion and neurosis in the field. She de-
picted a sexual paradise, free of the
restrictions of puritan culture, in Com-
ing of Age in Samoa, published in 1928.
Here was an educated, adventurous
woman saying that “sex is a natural,
pleasurable thing.”

16. Alfred Kinsey: His landmark
surveys in 1948 and 1953 gave a statis-
tical portrait of sex in America—the
way it was, not the way it ought to be—
and punctured centuries of hypocrisy.

17. Hugh Hefner: In 1953, when
other magazines were promoting fami-
ly togetherness and the middle class
was in flight to the suburbs, Hefner
started a magazine for the urban male.
He was the unabashed bachelor who

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believed that sex was good and that the
unmarried had a right to a sex life.

18. William O. Douglas, Harry Black-
mun, William Brennan and Thurgood
Marshall: The liberal heart of the Su-
preme Court worked the concept of pri-
vacy into the law of the land. First a
ticulated by Justice Louis Brandeis in
1928, the “right to be let alone" grew to
encompass the right to possess eroti-
ca, the right to obtain birth control and
the right to choose when and whether
to bear children. While credit also goes
to the individuals who launched test
cases (lawyers such as Charles Rembar,
who defended Lady Chatterley’s Lover
and Fanny Hill, and Sarah
Weddington, who argued
before the Court in Roe
vs. Wade), these men in
black heard them out—
and agreed.

19. Alex Comfort: The
direct heir of Havelock
Ellis, this eccentric Eng-

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2% Nish writer served up a
АЕ wonderful dish in his best-
27 selling book The Joy of Sex
22 (1972). He introduced a

culture locked in the mis-
sionary position to sexual
exotica—bondage, sex in
swings, “mouth music,”
grope suits and tech-
niques such as pompoir

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27 (milking the penis with
32 vaginal contractions).

22 20. Betty Friedan: Her
122 1963 best-seller, The Femi-
22 nine Mystique, exposed the
22 trap of family together-
22 ness, the plight of house-
22 wives living in suburbia.
72 She founded the Nation-

22
S

al Organization for Wom-
en, inspiring a second
wave of feminism among
women who were seeking fulfillment
outside the home.

21. Masters and Johnson: In the Six-
ties, this couple provided a detailed de-
scription ofthe physiology of sex. They
placed sex in the whole body, rediscov-
ered the clitoris and cataloged multiple
orgasms in women. They devised cures
for premature ejaculation and treated
nonorgasmic women, and, in doing so,
created the field of sex therapy.

22. “J”: The author of the 1969 clas-
sic The Sensuous Woman taught that oral
sex was delicious. Some nine million
women got the point. Her prosex fe-
male voice helped launch the second
sexual revolution, paving the way for
the likes of Germaine Greer, Nancy Егі-
day and Lonnie Barbach.

23. Linda Lovelace and Marilyn

Chambers: In 1972, Gerard Damiano's
Deep Throat and the Mitchell brothers’
Behind the Green Door made porn chic,
taking stag films from the all-male
world of smokers and frat parties and
transforming them into feature-length
couples' fare. These movies depicted
wholesome, prurient fun, everyt
from enthusiastic oral sex to shaving
pubic hair, When Sony introduced the
VCR in 1976, the visual revolution was
complete.

24. Catharine MacKinnon: Pio-
neered the concept of sexual harass-
ment, bringing law to bear on sex in
the workplace. What the Mann Act was
for this century, sexual ha-
rassment law will be for the
next century.

25. Newt Baker: The X

Secretary of War in 1917 E
ordered the closing of New ZF:
Orleans’ Storyville district 22:

and San Francisco's Bar- 272
bary Coast as a prelude U
to World War I (uninten- ZY
tionally spreading jazz 2
throughout the world). 7
Redlight abatement laws I
coupled with "Keep fit to 22
fight” patriotism drove com- I

mercial sex underground.
Baker also launched the
Commission on Training
Camp Activities—the mili-
tary's training pamphlets
on VD were the nation’s
first formal sex education.

26. М.Е Robie: During
the Twenties, this doctor

О

was а one-man sex indus- “©
try, writing manuals such 7
as Rational Sex Ethics for 71
Men in the Army and Navy I
and Sex Histories: Authentic 27:

Sex Experiences of. Men and
Women. Showing How Fear
and Ignorance of ће Sex Life Lead to Indi-
vidual Misery and Social Depravity. Even-
tually, he summarized his knowledge
in the less wieldy tome The Art of Love.
"The so-called doctor books were seduc-
tion manuals celebrated by everyone
from Edmund Wilson to James Thur-
ber and E.B. White.

27. Elvis Presley: Elvis was sex for
sex's sake, an heir to Valentino, wear-
ing cut his pants from the inside, show-
ing that men could move.

28. Anais Nin: Delta of Venus and Lit-
tle Birds, short stories written on com-
mission for a connoisseur of erotica,
along with Nin's intimate diaries, made
sex an adventure in self-discovery for
generations of women. For that reason,
she was more important than her lover
Henry Miller. She challenged women

to take up pen and typewriter to re-
cord their fantasies in collections such
as Ladies' Home Erotica and Herotica.

29. Helen Gurley Brown: The fe-
male Hefner, her Sex and the Single Girl
(1962) gave young women permission
to embark on sexual adventures.

30. Ida Craddock: Wrote a series of
advice manuals for newlyweds at the
turn of the century, in which she rec-
ommended “ап hour of tender, gentle,
selfrestrained coition.” She described
female orgasm and counseled that wom-
en take an active role in intercourse.
Arrested in 1902 and convicted of
lating the Comstock Act, she commit-

RRRPE LISS SS

ted suicide rather than go to jail.

31. D.H. Lawrence: In 1928 he pub-
lished the first great dirty book, Lady
Chalterley's Lover, immortalizing the no-
tion that sex is natural. In 1959, when
the courts ruled that Lady Chatterley was
not obscene, literature was at last free.

32. Hedy Lamarr: Her on-screen or-
gasm in Ecstasy (released in 1932) flick-
ered in more than 400 theaters over a
20-year span, a beautiful portrayal of a
woman liberated by sex. It would take
American filmmakers three decades to
reach this level of expression.

33. Jane Fonda: She and Brigitte
Bardot toppled the Fifties bombshells,
moving America's eyes from a breast
fetish to total-body impishness. The
successor to Hedy Lamarr, Fonda's
on-screen orgasms ranged from camp

'ААААЛАААААААААЛАААААААЛАЛААЛАААА

БАСА АА АА PPLPL PELL LY

(Barbarella) to political (Coming Home).
Her exercise videos launched the fit-
ness revolution.

34. The American Law Institute:
‘The unsung heroes of the sexual rev-
olution. In 1960 this group of legal
scholars drafted a model penal code
that decriminalized sexual activity be-
tween consenting adults (from sodomy
to fornication).

35. The Stonewall Rioters: In 1969
these patrons of a gay bar in New York
resisted police and launched gay pride.
In 1974 the American Psychiatric Asso-
ciation dropped its definition of homo-
sexuality as a “sexual deviation.”

36. Mary Ware Dennett:
She founded the Voluntary
Parenthood League and
petitioned Congress to dis-
mantle the Comstock Act.
In 1915 she wrote The Sex

5 |
RWW

22 Side of Life, a primer on the
25 facts of life, for her sons. In
22 1929 the Post Office put
22 Dennett on trial for send-
22 ing the pamphlet through
25 the mails. The court that
^Z reversed her conviction
25 ruled that "an accurate ex-

position of the relevant
facts of the sex side of life
in decent language cannot
ordinarily be regarded as
22 obscene."
22 387. Pope Pius XI: His
Casti Connubii in 1930 tied
sex to procreation. "Any
use whatsoever of matri-
mony exercised in such a
way that the [sex] act is de-
liberately frustrated in its
natural power to generate
life is an offense against the
law of God and of nature,
and those who indulge in
such are branded with the
guilt of a grave sin." He sentenced
Catholics to Vatican roulette. In 1966,
a papal commission voted 60 to 4 to
change the church position and allow
birth control. Pope Paul VI ignored
their advice, and in Humanae Vitae
banned the pill for Catholic women.
38. Merrill Youngs: In the Twenties,
this producer of condoms challenged
the Comstock Act and won. Establish-
ing rubbers as legitimate, he persuad-
ed pharmacies to sell Trojans. Before
that, condoms were sold primarily in
gas stations, bars and barbershops.
Runners-up include the inventors
of the water bed, the personal vibra-
tor, Polaroid and video cameras, Viag-
ra, cable TV and the Internet. Thanks,
(To order The Century of Sex, call 800-
423-9494.)

2

202020002020

RR

59

60

rowse any drugstore and you'll

see shampoo bottles decorated

with flowers, teddy bears on toi-

let paper and toothpaste boxes

with reflective swirls. Each pack-
age is more eye-catching than the
last—until you reach the condoms.
With their muted colors and minimal
designs, condom boxes could be tak-
еп ав visual evidence of America’s en-
during prudishness.

Three companies control 99 per-
cent of the U.S. condom market. The
biggest, Trojan, has the ugliest pack-
aging. The only image on the washed-
out-pastel boxes is one portraying
a couple in sil-
houette that
looks as if it
was designed
by an airbrush
artist back in
1978. The sec-
ond-largest
brand, Life-

Styles, uses no
artwork, just a
different col-
ored box for
each style. ‘Two
of the colors
are gray. The third manufacturer,
Durex, tries а little bit harder. Earlier
this year it dropped the names Sheik
and Ramses and brought all its prod-
ucts together under one line. Durex’
new packages are stylish, as condom
packages go—black backgrounds
with monochromatic swirls. Still, you
would have to call them understated.

The common denominator among
all major brands is color coding. Con-
dom packages, says Life-

Styles’ marketing
director, Carol
Carrozza, should

be “easy to read,
casy to select.” She
notes that “peo-
ple don’t want to
spend a whole lot

of time in front of
the condom display
looking at pictures.”
And, rather than ex-
perimenting with dif-
ferent brands, Amer-
icans generally stick
with what they know.
The packaging makes
it possible to find
“your color” and grab
it before, God forbid,
anybody sees you pon-
dering your sex life.
Choosing a color is also

‚modern marketin

M SS ~

easier than figuring out whether you

should buy Ultra Comfort, Ultra Thin

or Ultra Sensitive. (We prefer Ultra
Comfort.)

LifeStyles’

online site

(which opens

by asking vis-

itors if they

“haven't got-

ten any in a

while”), its

new Condom

Discs (indi-

vidually

wrapped with

easy-to-open

“peel-back

lids" that the company compares to

single-serve butter packages) and an

ad campaign that highlights “ro-

mance and sexual attraction rath-

er than safety and responsibility” are

the condom maker's latest attempt at

young and edgy. Still, Carrozza con-

cedes "there's a lot more that could

be done" to spice things up. “It's

а fairly conservative category," she

says, and the brand leader, Trojan,

*has not really put its neck out to do

anything different," especially with

packaging.

With the exception of those pur-
chased from a few trendy specialty
stores with names like Condoma-
nia and Igor's Dungeon, most con-

doms are sold in pharmacies,
which have never had a reputa-
tion for being the hippest spots in
town. Condoms have been avail-
able at U.S. drugstores since the
early Twenties (they were also
sold at gas stations, tobacco
shops and barbershops), but the
federal government decreed
that they could be sold strictly
for the prevention of then-in-
curable diseases. Many states

at the time had laws against
disseminating birth control in-
formation, which criminalized
any discussion of a condom's
ability to prevent pregnancy.

Condoms were not supposed to be
fun. 'They were medicine.

"These days, that view hasn't altered
as much as you might expect, given
that sex is used to sell just about every
product under the sun. lt seems that
€ven condom manufacturers don't
want to make them look so appealing
that they might entice someone to go
wild in bed. Durex recently became
the first major U.S. company to dis-
tribute flavored condoms (tradition-
ally sold as novelties), but you have to.
read between the lines to figure that
out. The box mentions only colors
and scents. "Some of it is FDA guid-
ance and some of itis legal guidance,”
a spokesman for Durex explained
"Though public health experts advo-
cate the use of condoms to prevent
the transmission of HIV, the FDA has
approved them only for
vaginal intercourse. If a
woman tore a flavored
condom with her teeth
and became infected,

Durex might face a
lawsuit. The company
decided to play it safe.

It is still possible to
find condom packag-
ing that goes against
the somber trend.

An offshoot of Life-

Styles produces con-

doms with such

names as Eroti-

ca, Bareback and

Rough Rider and

sells them in box-

es that resemble

those of Eighties

porn videos. Just

as eye-catching,

and much more

classy, are Sagami

condoms—Jap-

anese imports

with clever pop art boxes. Another
Japanese import, Beyond Seven, has
subtle artwork stenciled onto the con-
dom itself. And an American inde-
pendent brand, the cult favorite Plea-
sure Plus, recently came out with a
sleek aluminum package.

If elaborate and artistic design
catches on with modern condom box-
es, it will recall the glory days of the
Thirties and Forties, when condom
tins were illustrated with dancing
girls, playing cards, peacocks and pi-
rates. The old tins are now collect-
ibles, selling for as much as $2000
each. It's hard to imagine the dull
gray packaging of today being worth
anything the morning after.

ЖС?
DEC

Xd sc ne^

Өү Я Nod

¿en стаг r cripples reefer tests

paar

IEEE

s b IS Misi MES AS ли >

п his most recent round of un-

intended self-immolation, drug

czar Barry McCaffrey effectively
nullified drug testing for marijuana
users nationwide. In a move that he
hoped would bring the medical mari-
juana movement to its knees, the re-
tired general instead gave pot smok-
ers legal carte blanche to fail every
urine test they take.

Here's how it happened: This past
July, the Drug Enforcement Adminis-
tration, with a nod from the Food and
Drug Administration, reclassified the
prescription drug Marinol, which is
synthetic THC, the most psycho-
active of marijuana's many can-
nabinoids. Marinol was moved
from Schedule II, the most re-
strictive category of drugs
available by prescription, to
Schedule III. The change
makes it much easier for doc-
tors to distribute the drug.
Notably, they now can phone
or fax prescriptions to phar-
macies and provide for as
many as five automatic refills
every six months. They also
won't have the DEA looking
over their shoulder each time
they write a Marinol prescription.

McCaffrey, director of the White
House Office of National Drug
Control Policy, used the reclassifi-
cation to again attack the idea of
marijuana as medicine, calling Mar-
inol the only “safe and proper way”
to make THC available to the pub-
lic. “This action will make Marinol,
which is scientifically proven to be
safe and effective for medical use,
more widely available,” McCaffrey
said, implying that marijuana itself is
not safe or effective, despite much ev-
idence to the contrary.

The government's message is clear:
Now that “safe and proper” Marinol
is more readily available, we don't
need to legalize unsafe and improp-
er marijuana for medical use. This
plan worked once before, which seems
to have given McCaffrey some confi-
dence it will work again. In the mid-
Eighties, when marijuana was on the
verge of being reclassified so it could

By PETER MCWILLIAMS

be legally prescribed, the federal gov-
ernment funded the development of
Marinol and pushed it through the
FDA approval process. It then used
the availability of synthetic THC as a
pretext for refusing to remove mari-
Juana from the same forbidden Sched-
ule I classification it shares with hero-

in and other narcotics.

So while they have the same active
ingredient, marijuana remains for-
bidden while Marinol moves into the
polite society of Tylenol with codeine.
How easy is it to get a prescription for
Marinol? Very easy. Doctors are per-
mitted to provide any prescription
drug for “off-label” use. That is, ifa
doctor determines that a prescription
drug labeled by the manufacturer to
treat, say, nausea, would also be effec-
tive for treating pain, the doctor can
prescribe it for pain.

This is going to happen with more
frequency. A recent report by the Na-
tional Academy of Sciences’ Institute
of Medicine, which McCaffrey prais-

es as “the most comprehensive sum-
mary and analysis of what is known
about the medical use of marijuana,”
concluded that THC could be useful
not only to stimulate appetite in AIDS
patients and prevent the nausea that’s
caused by cancer treatments such as
chemotherapy, but also to relieve
chronic pain. (The full report, Mari-
juana and Medicine, is available online
at books.nap.edu.) The potential for
Marinol to treat chronic pain is enor-
mous. Experts estimate at least 75
million Americans suffer from chron-
ic, debilitating pain. This includes

pain caused by cancer, arthritis, mi-

graine headaches and severe back

injuries.

Seventy-five million! That

means nearly half the adult

population of the U.S. is prop-

erly and legally entitled to

Marinol and, by extension,

free from the burden of pass-

ing clean urine. There is no

legally recognized test that

distinguishes between the

synthetic ТНС of Marinol and

the natural THC of marijuana.

Once a testee obtains a prescrip-

tion for Marinol and shows it to

the drug-testing authorities, ГНС

levels in urine, hair, saliva and

sweat no longer indicate a failed

drug test. The test comes up dirty,

but the prescription washes it

clean. Employers aren't able to say,

“You can't use Marinol if you work

here," because it's a legal and now

widely prescribed drug. Marinol

could become as big as Viagra. (Mari-

nol is a great high, too, rather like

eating hash brownies. Don't even

think about driving on it. Marinol's

makers suggest you take your first

dose only in the presence of "a re-
sponsible adult.")

So, in his cruel attempt to keep an
ancient medicine from modern suf-
ferers, Contrary Barry has created a
loophole that allows all users to use
their drug of choice and keep their
jobs. McCzar, this bud's for you!

aa California
on federal charges of growing marijuana.

6l

62

RUTHERFORD RESPONDS

Because Stanley Booth took
the time to interview me and
my staff and family, to get to
know us better, 1 have few com-
plaints with PLAYBOY'S airing of
his opinions on the subject of
the Rutherford Institute and
the Paula Jones suit (“Ruther-
ford Redux,” The Playboy Forum,
September). Despite his thor-
ough research, the article con-
tained several inaccuracies and
unfair inferences.

Booth’s statement that be-
fore the Paula Jones suit the in-
stitute was “antigay and anti-
abortion” implies that our
viewpoint changed as a result
of that case. While I acknowl-
edge that some of my rhetoric
in the past may have been over-
heated, the truths by which I
live my life have not changed. I
was especially surprised to read
that the institute is the “legal
arm” of the religious right,
since neither I nor the institute
has ever had ties to the Moral

Majority or any other organiza- |95222

tion in the so-called movement.
In fact, the leaders of some reli-
gious organizations have criti-
cized me publicly for stands I
have taken. Booth also accuses
the Rutherford Institute of us-
ing sexual titillation as a fund-
raising tactic by, among other
things, turning Jones’ story in-
to “porn for puritans.” To sug-
gest that a candid but tactful
description of acts of sexual ha-
rassment or the unlawful geni-

p
FOR THE RECORD

SH CRIME

“Тһе bulk of sex in today's crime novels be-
longs to bad people: rapists, child molesters and.
serial killers; the most perverse of sex murder-
ers. Their sex acts are specific, personal and
unique; they're dwelt on at length, are related to
character and are significant to the plot. It's true
there is a tendency to deal with the criminal as-
pect of any sort of behavior, si
crime novels. Thus we have criminal politicians,
criminal businessmen, criminal lawyers. But it
goes quite beyond that. There is, without doubt,
a new puritanism, a group mind that sees sex as

IT.

since we are writing,

states that I pay myself $195,000
in annual salary and my wife
(who has served as my personal
secretary since 1 started the in-
stitute 18 years ago) $30,000.
1 would simply inform your
readers that since founding the
institute, my wife and І have
often gone without compensa-
tion. My salary is set by Ruther-
ford's board of directors and is
commensurate with that ofoth-
er leaders of national nonprofit
organizations.

Finally, while many of the
Rutherford Institute's attor-
neys and staff are Christians,
the institute is committed to de-
fending the civil and religious
rights of all Americans. We
have come to the aid of Ortho-
dox Jews, Buddhists, nuns and
members of other faiths, as well
as atheists. In keeping with our
view that the rights of any per-
son must be defended so that
of all remain protect-
itute has defended
AIDS victims and those who
take their right to free speech
to extremes.

I hope your readers will see
Booth's article not as a state-
ment of who I am bur rather as
an introduction. For those in-
terested in learning more about
how I came to my views, my au-
tobiography, Slaying Dragons,
will be available soon.

John Wayne Whitehead
Charlottesville, Virginia

Booth responds: “As John White-

head states, I took the time lo get to

tal examinations of sixth-grade
girls (as happened at a school in
Pennsylvania) is “pornography”

one of the forces of evil, to be feared.”
—Author Larry Beinhart, on the place of sex in the
modern crime novel, from his book How to Write

know him. Examining him up close,
1 saw him for what he is: al best a
poseur, at worst а charlatan and

in any sense is not only an un-
educated description but tragi-
cally insulting to the victims of
these outrages.

Further, Booth is wrong both to
claim that sexually charged cases bring
in contributions to the institute and to
imply that that is our motivation in de-
fending these cases. It is precisely be-
cause we believe that sexual harass-
ment and other forms of abuse are
wrong that we continue to take cases,
file briefs with the U.S. Supreme Court
and write extensively on the topic of
women's rights and the right to priva-
cy. The Rutherford Institute does these

a Mystery.

things at no cost to the clients and of-
ten with no remuneration at the con-
clusion of the cases. In many instanc-
ев, Our expenses far outweigh any tax-
deductible donations made to support
our work.

The more egregious untruths in the
article seem aimed at me personally.
Booth charges that I have set up myself
“as an arbiter of religious and political
morality." Through experience I know
better than most that no one can arbi-
trate or legislate morality. Booth also

purveyor of pseudointellectual snake
oil. I intended my characterization
of the Rutherford director and his
coltage industry as a champion of freedom
to be taken with a dose of irony. Perhaps
Whitehead isn't as perceptive as the average
PLAYBOY reader. It's typical of the man that
he concludes his letter with a sales pitch,
which is what he does best. The sky (of sexu-
al harassment, denial of free speech, rights
of the unborn, etc.) is falling,’ he says. Send
те your money, and I will fight the good
fight; I will slay the dragons.’

‘Abo typical of Whitehead’s tactics is his
statement that my article contained ‘inaccu-
racies and unfair inferences,’ followed by

the contention that the article contains ‘more
egregious untruths.” He establishes no un-
truths by me in the first place, but then says
that parts of my article are even bigger lies.
1 did not conclude that his antigay and anti-
abortion biases had changed as a result of
his discovery of Paula Jones. He's still ор-
posed 10 women having control over their
bodies, or at least he was when we last spoke.
His opinions change with the breeze. To his
credit, he now believes it’s wrong to mistreat
homosexuals, a view which can be consid-
ered a radical position among his circle of

friends

REBEL FLAG
In the article “America's Other Flag”
(The Playboy Forum, September), Grady
Hendrix seems unclear as to the mean-
ing of the flag. Perhaps I can help ex-
plain this elusive meaning. I display
the rebel flag on my bumper to proud-
ly proclaim what I am not, іп а manner
that only the Stars and Bars allows.
From my support of the Confeder-
ate flag you can assume two things
about me: I ain't no damn Yankee and
I am not a slave to politically correct
conformism. It's this type of rebellion
that flag supporters have in common.
Patrick Taylor
Palm Bay, Florida

Perhaps I can help Hendrix under-
stand the meaning of the Confederate
flag. It's a simple reminder of our her-
itage. My heritage may not be political-
ly correct, but it isn't all that different.
from African-derived fashions and mu-
sic that remind blacks of their heritage.
The Confederate flag was not created
as a symbol of racism, and 1 applaud
Hendrix for pointing out its origins as
that of a military standard. While it's
true that the Confederate States Con-
gress didn't approve it, the congress
enjoyed only a brief existence. Further-
more, the Stars and Stripes was not
made the official flag until 1912.

I'm a conservative Southerner, and
the flag is on my car. Anyone else who
wants to rebel, such as members of the
Klan or Eastern bloc radicals, should
get an carring. The flag is neither а
novelty nor a souvenir. It reminds us of
men who died fighting not for a gov-
ernment or its policies, nor for rich
planters and their right to own slaves,
but for something they believed in—
freedom from a government that they
found oppressive. In this way it is
much the same as the Stars and Stripes.

You don't have to love the Confederate
flag, but show it some respect.
Tony Ragas
Buras, Louisiana

Hendrix should do a little more re-
search before telling your readers that
the Confederate flag was the reason
for David Beasley's failure to be reelect-
ed governor of South Carolina. The
biggest red flag Beasley raised in that
race was his opposition to the video po-
ker industry. If taxed, these machines
could add millions of dollars to state
coffers for education improvements.
During Beasley's term, South Carolina
ranked near the bottom in the nation
for average SAT and ACT scores. I'll
concede that the Confederate flag was
the most visible sign of Beasley's ouster,
but it certainly was not the most impor-
tant one.

Tim St. John
Surfside Beach, South Carolina

GOOD NUDES IN SARASOTA
In the September Newsfront item “No
Nudes are Good Nudes,” you note that
the Manatee County, Florida Commis-
sion voted to ban public displays of nu-
dity. The dateline for the story was
Sarasota. We here in the city of Saraso-
ta have our own county government,
so the proper dateline would have
been Bradenton. We laughed along
with you at the story of Manatec’s nu-
dity ban. Please don't make us a part of
their folly.
Gary Snyder
Sarasota, Florida
We would like to hear your point of view.
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive,
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include а
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312-
951-2939. E-mail: forum@playboy.com
(please include your city and state).

BRIGHT IDEAS

What’s the difference between porn and erotica?
Playboy Forum contributor Susie Bright tackles that

timeless question in her book Full Expos

re: Opening Up

to Your Sexual Creativity & Erotic Expression. Bright ar-
gues that the porn-erotica debate is “a hoax of a dis-
pute, thwarting any genuine progress in sexual ex-
pression. The truth of the matter is that your sexual
speech і no better, no more attractive nor healthier
than anyone else's." We couldn't agree more.

boys
hard
illegal

cheap

underwear drawer
grabbing you by the balls
visceral

pop culture.

baseball cap logos
blatant

gluttonous

orgasmic

politically incorrect
Gen X and raincoaters

over the counter
lavish

museum

tickling the finer sensibilities
ethereal

Victorian

library shelf titles
discreet

modest

titillating

defensible

boomers and dilettantes

63

64

N E W

SFR

о N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

NICE CHOPS

SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA—A woman
who says construction workers harassed
her and hollered, “Hey baby, show me your
meat!” did just that. She wore a costume

with а pork chop over each of her breasts,
then picketed the company that employed
the workers. Kitten Reynolds said she was
tired of women being treated like pieces of
meat. The company apologized.

THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME

MiAMI—In 1992, Juan Pablo Roque
swam to a U.S. Navy base in Guantána-
mo Bay, Cuba seeking political asylum. He
relocated to Miami, where he became ac-
live in the exile community and met and
married Ana Margarita Martinez. Elev-
en months later, Roque disappeared, then
showed up on Cuban television announc-
ing that he had been a spy. Now his former
wife has filed a personal injury lawsuit
against the Cuban government, saying she
never would have married Roque or slept
with him had she known he was using their
marriage as a cover. In fact, she says, the
deceplion constitutes rape. Her lawyer ex-
plains: “When one fraudulently induces
another to have sex, that is rape. One must
give knowing consent to intercourse.”

OUT OF STOCK

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS—Wal-Mart,
the nation’s largest retailer, announced
that its pharmacies won't sell emergency

contraception. Two FDA-approved kits,
Preven and Plan В, enable women to pre-
vent pregnancy by taking a fixed dosage of
certain birth control pills within 72 hours
after unprotected sex. The pills prevent the
egg (which may or may not have been fer-
lilized) from implanting on the uterine
wall. Wal-Mart says “a variety of business
considerations” led to its decision not to
stock the Preven kit. Information about
emergency contraception is available by
calling 888-NOT-2-LATE, or it can be found
online at opr.princeton.edujec.

ПЕНЕН MADNESS

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA—B.E. Smith
thought he was following the rules. The
Vietnam vet, who suffers from post-trau-
matic stress syndrome, informed the state of
California that he was growing medical
marijuana (legalized in 1996 following
voters’ passage of Proposition 215) and
dispensed the drug only to those who had a
physician's written recommendation. The
U.S. government saw it differently. Fol-
lowing Smith’s arrest on federal marijua-
та charges for cultivating 87 plants, U.S.
District Judge Garland Burrell Jr. ruled
that the veteran could not use his illness or
the state's Compassionate Use Act as a de-
fense (at one point, the judge ranted that
marijuana is “an evil gateway to violence,
gangs and the destruction of families and
communities”). A jury convicted Smith,
and Burrell gave him the maximum 27
months in prison

THE PRICE OF FREEDOM

GEORGETOWN TOWNSHIP, MICHIGAN—
Earlier this year, library officials installed
filtering software on Internet terminals to
prevent patrons from accessing violent or
sexually explicit websites. But then а state
law went into effect that seemed to say li-
braries must allow unrestricted access for
adults. While a township attorney mulled
over the law, the library's temporary solu-
tion was to remove the filter on a single ter-
minal, then charge $100 an hour for ас-
cess. There were no takers.

PRY-ORITY MAIL

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Postal
Service adopted regulations that strip the
anonynity from mail drops. Under the
rules, anyone who rents a box from a pri-
vale service such as Mail Boxes Etc. must

show two forms of ID and provide a Social
Security or serial number, a home address
and home phone number. The information
is filed with the mail drop and in a Post
Office database. The Postal Service says
the regulations are necessary to prevent
mail fraud. But wndercover police officers,
family law and criminal defense lauyers
and victims of stalking or domestic abuse.
believe the regulations may put renters in
danger. (The Postal Service says only law
enforcement personnel can access Из data-
base, but who's guarding the mail фтор»
records?) In addition, the regulations stip-
ulate that all mail addressed to private
mailboxes after April 26, 2000 must in-
clude the designation PMB. One watch-
dog group estimates that that rule alone
will cost small businesses as much as $1
Billion in stationery costs.

COVER YOUR BROWNIES

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA— The state's Of-
fice of Drug Control wants to unleash a
fungus to destroy open-air marijuana
crops. The company that produces a com-
mercial version of Fusarium oxysporum
insists the soilborne fungus “does not affect
animals, humans or crops” other than
marijuana. But scientists al the state’s De-
partment of Environmental Protection
fear that once dusted over large areas of

vegetation, Fusarium oxysporum could
mutate and spread, killing other crops. De-
spite their misgivings, heads of the envi-
ronmental protection and state agriculture
departments approved tests with the fun-
gus at a quarantine lab in Gainesville.

| One whisky.

Enjoy ош quality responsibly, ©1998 Imported by The Glenlivet Distilling Со N.Y, NY, 12 Year Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky, Alc. 40% by Vol. [80 Proof], The Glealivetin а registered trademark,

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Turn it on. Pioneer

nom BEN AFFLECK

а candid conversation with the hot young star about why women love actors, the perils
of viagra, the truth about gwyneth and what he really thinks about matt damon

Ben Affleck, in jeans, T-shirt and sneak-
ers, drives his pale blue 1970 Chevy Malibu
convertible, a boat of a car, into a parking
space on Beverly Boulevard in Los Angeles.
He puts a couple of quarters into the meter
and, while turning a few heads, walks into а
restaurant called Red. He apologizes pro-
fusely for being late, even though it’s only 15
minutes. “Гт not one of those asshole actors
who gets off on being late," he says. Affleck
orders iced tea. He's a little embarrassed
when the manager recognizes him and sug-
gests moving from a table by the window to a
more comfortable—and discreel—boolh. The
handsome 27-year-old millionaire whose life,
it would seem, is now the stuff of male fan-
asy is still surprisingly modest, unguarded
and at times wildly indiscreet.

Affleck smokes, drinks, works out, laughs
a lot and clearly has a good time. Only a few
years ago, as a struggling actor, he slept оп
sofas in friends? apartments in Hollywood.
Now, thanks to such hits as Good Will Hunt-
ing and Armageddon, he’s in the midst of
renovating а six-bedroom 8000-square-foot
Spanish-style villa in the Hollywood Hills,
replete with fountains and pool. It cost him
about $1.7 million. He also has a comfort-
able Tribeca loft in New York with an array
of vintage video game machines.

“The most grim view of marriage is from
the entertainment business. Everyone has а
story. Peter O'Toole told me that I should
find а woman 1 hate, give her my house and
skip the rest of it.”

Affleck earns about $6 million for a stu-
dio film now, and his appeal rests not only on
his good looks and screen charm but also on
his all-American boyishness and comedic tal-
ent. “Ben's the real thing,” Jerry Bruckhei-
mer, Armageddon’s producer, told Details
“He's gol that square jaw, that real Ameri-
cana look, without being pretty. Women want
to be with him and men want to be like him
which is what movie stars are made of."

The veteran director John Frankenheimer,
whose thriller Reindeer Games is set to be re-
leased this month, chose Affleck for the lead
role as an ex-con who becomes involved in a
plot 10 rob a casino. “1 needed a vulnerable
actor, а strong, masculine actor and a very
good actor,” said Frankenheimer in the Los
Angeles Times. “Ben is all those things.”

Another film with Affleck will be released
in December. In Daddy and Them, a comedy
directed by and starring Billy Bob Thornton,
Affleck plays an attorney in Little Rock,
Arkansas, who, with his lawyer wife (played
by Jamie Lee Curtis), becomes entangled
with an eccentric Southern family.

Affleck, who shares an Academy Award for
the screenplay of Good Will Hunting with
his friend Matt Damon (the two also starred
in the film), is one of the busiest actors in
town. His recent films include Kevin Smith's

“This girl, very attractive blonde woman,
probably about 25, a little drunk, walked
over to me and goes, ‘How would you like it
if I sucked your cock until your eyes came
ош?” I was taken aback.”

controversial religious satire Dogma (which
reteams Affleck with Damon), as well as a
romantic drama, Bounce, opposite ex-girl-
friend Gwyneth Paltrow, with whom he still
has a friendly, if complicated, relationship.
Affleck and Damon are also writing at least
two projects and, through their company,
Pearl Street Productions, are producing their
first film, The Third Wheel, a comedy in
which the two actors have supporting roles.

Affleck likes to say that he was once а gan-
gly and awkward teenager who was shunned
by girls. But now his name appears frequent-
ly in gossip columns and tabloids as а man-
about-town. "I've been linked to Pamela
Anderson, Calista Flockhart—and Май Da-
mon,” he joked to ihe Detroit News. But а
longtime friend, French Stewart, who stars
on the television series Third Rock From the
Sun, told Details last year that women fall
all over themselves when they meet Ben. “If
they get within 50 feet of him, their pants
will fly right off their bodies.” Affleck cringes
and laughs at the comment.

Benjamin Geza Affleck (Geza is the name
of a Hungarian family friend) was born on
August 15, 1972 in Berkeley, California.
One year later the family relocated to a mid-
dle-class neighborhood іп Cambridge, Mas-
sachusetts. His mother, Chris, with whom

PHOTOGRAPHY BY MIZUNO.

“Kevin Bacon once said, Anybody can get
laid when they're famous. The champion
thing is to get laid when you're not famous
That's what's really hard.’ Boy, does that
turn out 10 be true.”

67

PLAYBOY

Affleck is very close, is a schoolteacher. His
father, Tim, worked with the prestigious The-
ater Company of Boston (which featured
Dustin Hoffman, Robert Duvall and James
Woods). He also worked at a series of blue-
collar jobs including bariender and as a jan-
itor at Harvard (the basis for Matt Damon's
role in Good Will Huntiug).

Affleck says his father was an alcoholic,
which led to the divorce of his parents when
he was about 11. As the older of two kids (his
brother, Casey, is also an actor), Ben тетет-
bers often playing the vole of peacemaker.
Tim Affleck became sober around 1990 and
works al a recovery center for drug and al-
cohol abuse in Indio, California. Affleck says
ће speaks to his father periodically and has a
good relationship with him.

At Cambridge, Ben grew up two blocks
‚from Matt Damon, and the two were child-
hood friends. They played Little League to-
gether and were both students at the Cam-
bridge Ridge and Latin School, where they
took drama courses.

At the age of eight, Affleck got his first
big break on the PBS television series The
Voyage of the Mimi and then landed small
parts in television series and commercials.
His mother wasn't enthusiastic about her
son's involvement in acting, partly because
il seemed frivolous. She put the money ће
earned in a college trust fund. Yet Ben
persisted.

After graduating from high school, Ben
spent a semester at the University of Vermont
in 1990, later switching to Occidental Col-
lege in California in an effort to keep his
mother happy. But Affleck dropped out of
college and lived in a grungy Hollywood
apartment. In 1992 he was cast together
with Damon as anti-Semitic students in the
drama School Ties, about a Waspy prep
school in New England.

In 1993 he had a small role in the NBC
series Against the Grain and landed his first
significant part, in the Seventies retro mov-
ie Dazed and Confused. It didn't help his
career.

“After that film, I was probably the poorest
1 ever was,” Affleck told Premiere. Moreover,
he was told by producers and studio execu-
lives that the baby fat on his face and his
height (6'3") made him an improbable lead-
ing man.

But to Affleck’s delight, he secured а lead
role in Mark Pellington's Going All the Way.
The sweet-natured film failed, but it was
one of the few times Affleck hadn't played a
bad guy.

In another failed film, Kevin Smith's
Mallrats, Affleck played a store manager.
Smith wrote his next film, Chasing Amy,
with Ben in mind for the lead role. The inde-
pendent. 1997 comedy-drama, in which Af-
fleck plays a cartoonist who falls in love with
a lesbian, was a hit at the Sundance Film
Festival. Producers and studio executives
took a second look at him,

Affleck owes a great deal to Smith. It was
Smith who took the screenplay for Good Will
Hunting to Harvey Weinstein, co-chairman

68 of Miramax, who salvaged the project and

purchased it for $1 million from Castle
Roch. (Castle Rock owned the movie but.
clashed with Affleck and Damon over who
should direct it and where it should be
filmed.)

The 1997 film, directed by Gus Van Sant,
was a sensation. It earned nine Academy
Award nominations, and Oscars were given
to Affleck and Damon for their screenplay
and to Robin Williams for best supporting
actor. Affleck and Damon became instant
celebrities as well as stars.

Affleck, regarded for several years as an
indie actor, was then offered а top role in the
megabudget action film Armageddon. Al the
request of producer Jerry Bruckheimer and
director Michael Bay, Affleck had his teeth
capped and buffed himself up to play a wild-
cat oil driller who falls in love with Bruce
Willis’ on-screen daughter, Liv Tyler, even as
Ben, Bruce and several other tough guys
save the world from a fiery collision with an
asteroid. He earned $600,000 for the part.

“1 just thought, I’m set for life,” he told
Premiere last year. “Gone fishing. I've gol my
600 bones, and J won't have to do any more
shitty movies that I don’t want to do.”

Affleck followed that film with Shakespeare

Most people are like me.
Not that Гое lost my
sex drive. There’s just a
difference between the
fantasy and when it
really happens.

in Love, 200 Cigarettes and a comedy, Forc-
es of Nature.

We asked New York Times entertainment
reporter Bernard Weinraub (who previously
interviewed Clint Eastwood for PLAYBOY)
to тесі with Affleck. Here is Weinraub's
report:

“The first time I met Ben was at a Mira-
max party at the Sundance Film Festival in
Park City, Utah. It was the year that Going
All the Way was shown at the festival, and
Affleck was practically unknown. He seemed
to be the tallest guy in the room, and he was
also one of the most engaging. When he
heard that I had once covered politics he
dropped all conversation about acting and
wanted to talk about President Clinton (this
was way before Monica) and his troubles
with Congress. (Affleck is a serious Demo-
crat.) He seemed not only smart bul surpris-
ingly well versed in politics.

° saw him at Sundance last year under
different circumstances. He was already a
star. His name and picture had been in the
tabloids with Gwyneth Paltrow. But he had
flown into Sundance to see some films. At the
Holiday Village Cinema, Affleck waited, just
like all of us nonstars, to get into the over-
heated theater. He chatted with the crowd

around him and bitched about the long line,
just like everyone else.

“When we got together in Los Angeles, Af-
fleck was funny, eager to please and seemed
а little dazed at his success. Beneath his self-
deprecating humor, though, he is shrewd
about his career and acting choices and
seems to know exactly where he’s heading.
He's also aware of his public persona. While
we were seated outdoors al one restaurant —
the air-conditioning inside set off his aller-
gies—a Jeep suddenly stopped and three
teenage girls climbed out, giggling and ask-
ing for his autograph.

“He smiled, signed the autographs and
posed for a picture or two with each girl.
They loft happily. Affleck returned to his iced
tea and grinned. Who would have thought?”
he said.”

PLAYBOY: It's been two years since Good
Will Hunting. How has success changed
your life?

AFFLECK: There was a kind of hysteria, a
publicity frenzy, that changed my life
from total anonymity to going to shop-
ping malls in Pittsburgh or South Dakota
and hearing everybody say, “Hey, that's
that guy—he and his friend won the `
Academy Award.” And that was really
overwhelming. I mean, a lot of people
do it a little more gradually. Having the
Oscars at the end of March and then Ar-
mageddon in July required a lot of adjust-
ment. Someone told me Madonna said,
“People are basically worthless the first
year after they become famous.” I think
that's something both Matt and I felt,
which was a complete sense of bewilder-
ment and being in a daze. Imagine hav-
ing to renegotiate your relationship with
the entire world.

PLAYBOY: Does that mean your relation-
ships with women as well? How have
they changed?

AFFLECK: It wasn't like this before and I'm.
not stupid enough to think that it's me.
1 remember when I first got on the TV
series Against the Grain back in 1993. All
of a sudden 1 hooked up with three hot
women in a month and I couldn't believe
it. I was telling my friends, “Man I'm on
the hottest fucking streak right now. I
don't know what it is. I’m on fire.”

They were like, “Do you think it has
something to do with the fact that you're
on TV?”

It had never occurred to me until
then—and I never forgot it after that.
Kevin Bacon once said, “Anybody can
get laid when they're famous. The cham-
pion thing is to get laid when you're not
famous. That's what's really hard.” Boy,
does that turn out to be true.

PLAYBOY: Have you figured out why be-
ing famous helps?

AFFLECK: Women can be attracted to
things other than men, which has to do
with power, money, status, that provider
kind of thing. Being a successful actor
represents those things. You can be seri-
ously disfigured or whatever and women

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will still be attracted to you. And that's a
change for me. Women were never that
way with me. Teenage girls didn't used
to shriek when 1 walked into a room.
I was lucky if I could get a phone num-
ber. Part of it's just the power of being on
the screen. And now there's something
that's less appealing about it.
PLAYBOY: Something:
less appealing?
AFFLECK: I was in a
casino a month ago,
at the Hard Rock
Cafe's casino сх-
pansion. And I was
sitting at a table
playing blackjack
with a couple of.
buddies of mine
from high school.
And we were sitting
there, bullshitting
and drinking, play-
ing cards. And this
girl, very attrac-
tive blonde wom-
an, probably about.
25, a little drunk,
walked over to me
and goes, “How
would you like it if
I sucked your cock
until your eyes
came out?"
I was taken aback
and I was kind of
like, Wait a minute.
OK, she was a little
bombcd. That was
just her line. That
was her approach.
I don't know this
lady from anybody
else. Maybe she's
mentally ill, but ev-
ету now and then
people say things
like that. Another
one was, “I really
want you to go
down on me. That's
all I want in life.”
All of a sudden
there's something
that makes you
kind of go, “Ah, this
is weird and not
that appealing."
My friends said,
"What are you do-
ing? Go to the
room, now." They
were really, rcal-
ly disappointed іп
me. But there's something about it that
kind of kills the magic. It’s just not that
appealing. And 1 bet you that most peo-
ple are like me. Not that I've lost my sex
drive. There's just a difference between
the fantasy and when it really happens.
Anyway, I'm not a one-night-stand kind
of guy. To me. sex is much, much better

and much more interesting and satisfy-
ing when it's got a psychological element
to it. When I don't know the person, I
tend not to be that into it.

PLAYBOY: When you date, it tends to
make news. How does that feel?
AFFLECK: One of the weirdest things in
my life was the time I had fallen asleep

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on my couch watching televisi
was dreaming about this rel:
had with this woman. When I woke up I
was watching CNN and there was this
story about me and this woman. On
CNN. I thought, This is madness, It felt
sort of weird, like I was living somebody
else’s life.

PLAYBOY: Would the woman have been
Gwyneth Paltrow?

AFFLECK: Yeah.

PLAYBOY: How is a relationship with a
movie star different from one with some-
body unknown?

AFFLECK: It gets more attention from the
paparazzi. It gets more attention from
the tabloids, which
is definitely more
difficult. I've only
really had one re-
lationship with a
movie star, but I
found that person
to be so bright and
mature and sort
of together that I
didn't find it diffi-
cult at all.

PLAYBOY: So the dif-
ficulties come from
the paparazzi and
the tabloids?
AFFLECK: Most intel-
ligent people un-
derstand tabloids
to be about 80 per-
cent false. But
some people read
them and call my
mom and ask, “Is
this true?” And
then my mom calls
me and says, “Are
you married?” And
I say, “Mom, if I
were married, don't
you think I would
have called you?
Are we on the
outs? I mean, don't
you think you
might have been
there?”

PLAYBOY: That real-
ly happened?
AFFLECK: That actu-
ally happened to
my mother. They
said that I had mar-
ricd Gwyneth. Or
they'll say you're
sleeping with any
number of differ-
ent people when
there's no truth to
it, or they will say
something that
саяз уоп ог some-
body you care
about in a negative
light. 1 mean, look,
it's part of the deal.
I totally understand that. 1 accept that
they're there. It's really just a small on-
going battle between a few tabloid pub-
lishers and a few celebrities and nobody
else gives a fuck except to flip through
them in the supermarket line. So it's пог
like some great epidemic. I just don't
care for them all that much.

221
og атш с unag Aa рабое

71

PLAYBOY

PLAYBOY: The tabloids seem to be fasci-
nated that you've remained friends with
Gwyneth.

AFFLECK: Yeah. We're about to work to-
gether, on Bounce. It’s directed by Don
Roos, who did The Opposite of Sex.
PLAYBOY: Is it going to be strange work-
ing vith her?

AFFLECK: No. We talked about it. I'm just
finally arriving at the point where Tm
mature enough to be friends with some-
body I've had a relationship with. And
this is really the first time. Luckily it hap-
pens to coincide with a very public rela-
tionship. So that’s fortuitous. But it's a
combination of her being really great, us
getting along really well and both of us
wanting it to be this way. We broke up,
decided we were bet-
ter if we weren't a ro-
mantic couple. But
we never had enough
acrimony toward
each other to over-
ride the fact that we
care about each other
and enjoy each oth-
er's company.
PLAYBOY: Are other
former girlfriends
generally pissed off
at you?

AFFLECK: Mostly, yeah.
PLAYBOY: Why?
AFFLECK: Probably jus-
tifiably so. If I were
the next guy to go out
with them I'm sure
I would be nodding
in agreement about
what an asshole their
ex-boyfriend was. It's
not like I was a wom-
anizer or physically
abusive or psycholog-
ically abusive or what-
ever. It's just that
these relationships
never end well. I
think what happens
is, I end up wanting
to be out of the rela-
tionship. During the
course of a relation-
ship, if you get dissatisfied and unhappy
and don't say something, if you don't
deal with it right then, it just festers and
stays there. So instead of saying, “Lool
don't do that, please don't act this wa!
go along with it until I just don't want to
be in the relationship at all. Then I cre-
ate some incident or do something or
just don't call. And then she's pissed.
And I can't necessarily blame her at
that point since I've developed such a
passive-aggressive rage that I have no
sympathy and tell her, “Well of course 1
didn’t call you. If you weren't such a
nagging, shrewish һагру I'd call you."
But that hopefully is something I'm grow-
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AFFLECK: 1 see her, we hang out when
we're in the same town or whatever. And
1 really think she's a phenomenal actress
and in that sense there isn't anybody Га
rather play opposite than her. 1 don't
know, maybe it'll be weird making the
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would have. And that's something I keep
wanting to do, maybe because I feel
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PLAYBOY: Do you mean you have to keep
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knows if I'm faking a scene or walking

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hard just to stay up to her level of work,
which she seems to do almost effortlessly.
PLAYBOY: When you started getting a lot
of press attention, you earned a герша-
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did that affect you?

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a lot of stupid things and ended up
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vative than I used to be—the way I deal
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whatever opinion you want and nobody
really cares all that much. Your friends
sort of know you, and that's about it. АП
of a sudden you feel like getting into a
bunker.

PLAYBOY: Was there ever a time when you
thought that success might be going to
your head?

AFFLECK: First of all, you just have to be
careful. You have to remember the stan-
dards of the real world. I caught myself
being impatient about something that 1
had no business being impatient about
or feeling irritable about. “I don't want
that sparkling water!” or "1 can't believe
this is an old limo.” Then you just think,
What kind of an asshole am 1? My feel-
ing is that people who are complete ass-
holes were like that
before.

PLAYBOY: What hap-
pens now when you
go to the supermar-
ket? Or the movies?
AFFLECK: Sometimes
people don't recog-
nize me and some-
times they do, and
in some instances it
can turn into a real
nightmare.

PLAYBOY: Care to ex-
plain that?

AFFLECK: Look, it feels
bad to be the kind
of person who says,
“Please leave me
alone, I'm trying to
watch a movie." But,
by the same token,
people sometimes
just come up to you
in the middle of a
movie. You go to the
Cineplex and you buy
your ticket and you
think, OK, I'm here
and I'm just going
to watch the movie.
Then slowly people
will cluster by the ex-
its, then come over
and say, "Would you
sign this real quick?"
And you're like, “Hey, I'm in the middle
of the movie."

PLAYBOY: Is money an issue with you and
your friends and family? With the excep-
tion of Matt Damon, you're earning
much more money than they are.
AFFLECK: It’s a strange thing. I don't
know if my dad ever made more than
$30,000 in a year. If he did, I didn't see
any ofit. But he was a carpenter and an
auto mechanic and then a janitor at Har-
vard, and my mother was a public school
teacher with a capped salary of $45,000
а year. So we were somewhere around
middle class. And it's kind of weird. I
mean, it's satisfying. 1 give money to my
mom, and I'm going to buy her a house,
апа that kind of stuff feels really good.

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And I'm pretty generous. If people need
a loan here and there, I'm perfectly hap-
py to help out because I understand ту
good fortune. But I also am cautious
about letting myself get taken advantage
of. Most of my friends are pretty cool
about the money. Most of them, if they
borrow money, are really conscious of
paying it back. I think they're sel£con
scious about feeling like suckweeds or
whatever. So it's not as much of an issue
as I would have thought. You know,
whatever that number is on your ATM
receipt, it can separate people.

PLAYBOY: That's quite different from
your financial situation when you first
came to Los Angeles.

AFFLECK: When I got to LA, my family
had me go to dinner with this guy who
had been acting here for 20 years. He
gave me this big lecture and said, "You
know how much money I made in 20
years of acting? Eight thousand dollars.
And I'm a carpenter." He was just really
unhappy and it was depressing. Then he
got really stoned and I went home and
felt sick. I think it was just morbid fear. I
was 18. That fear stays with you so in-
tensely and you're constantly just getting
turned down for what you think of as the
most vapid, stupid kind of paycheck,
Baywaich things, and you think, Jesus, if
I'm not good enough for this then I'm
not going to make it. This town is too
hard, and people were always telling me,
"You're too big, you're too tall, you can
only play bullies and you will never be a
leading man."

PLAYBOY: They said you were too tall?
AFFLECK: Тоо tall, 63^. All the actors are
like 510” or 5/6". Or you'd be an extra
for money and then get shiton by the
crew, who tells you, “Stay away from the
table, you can't have any of that food.
That's real people's food.” The extras
have their separate food table. It's sub-
human the way you get treated

PLAYBOY: Welcome to LA.

AFFLECK: 1 came to LA and looked on my
map and it was like, “Well, what's Holly-
wood?” Drove there, and got an apart-
ment where more crack was sold in half
an hour than I'd ever seen in my entire
life. I realized that Hollywood was the
Times Square of LA,

PLAYBOY: Were you able to get work?
AFFLECK: I did a Danielle Steel TV movie
with Patrick Duffy and Lynda Carter and
I was all psyched—it was with Wonder
Woman, you know what I mean? АШ my
friends would ask me about her tits. Well
the tits, they're big, right? She's got nice
tits? I said, “Yeah, yeah. They're pretty
nice." So I was happening, because I had
seen Lynda Carter's tits in real life. And
Шеп I got cast іп School Ties, but I had a
real shitty role. It really sucked.

PLAYBOY: Wasn't Matt Damon in that mov-
le, too?

AFFLECK: Yeah, and Matt had a better
part. He was the main bad guy. 1 was like
the junior bad guy. But ar least he was

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PLAYBOY: Describe how you lived back
then.

AFFLECK: 1 lived all over the place. I lived
in Hollywood, then I moved. Matt and I
got money from School Ties and we blew
it all in a couple of months. We made
835,000 ог $40,000 each and thought we
were rich. And we were shocked later on
to find out how much we owed in taxes.
We were appalled: $15,000! What? But
we rented this house on the beach in
Venice and 800 people came and stayed
with us and got drunk. Then we ran out
of money and had to get an apartment.
It was like everything was exciting. So we
lived in Glendale and Eagle Rock and we
lived in Hollywood, West Hollywood,
Venice, by the Hollywood Bowl, all over
the place. We'd get thrown out of some
places or we'd have to upgrade or down-
grade depending on who had money.
PLAYBOY: Where are you living now?
AFFLECK: Near the Hollywood Bowl. It's a
really great place. I rented a house there
first. Matt and I and a couple other guys
we went to high school with rented a
place up there when we sold the script
for Good Will Hunting. I really liked it.
LA is kind of zip code snobby. Anything
east of La Brea is going to be less expen-
sive. For no real reason, you know what
I mean? So I got a pretty cool place.
Needs some work. And it feels like that
‘Tom Hanks movie The Money Pit. Lam so
living in the money pit. Guys come at
five in the morning and start working.
PLAYBOY: There аге some great old hous-
es up there.

AFFLECK: There are two great things
about looking for a house in LA. One,
every house has some elaborate histo-
ry—Buster Keaton once slept with three
women in the ашс. Second 15 that they
are currently being lived in by people
who you know, or people you've heard
of. When I was looking, every time I
went to an open house I would try to
sneak around and look at what awards
ог scripts or movie posters there were, 50
I could figure out, OK, this must be so-
and-so's house. It was great.

PLAYBOY: What about your romantic life.
Are you seeing anybody now?

AFFLECK: Nope. One hundred percent
single.

PLAYBOY: Are you on guard when it
comes to women?

AFFLECK: I'm not too guarded. What's
fun for me is flirting and having a good
time—that’s really fun. But a lot of times
it's much more fun than all the bullshit,
the responsibilities and compromises
that go along with sustaining a relation-
ship that I hardly have enough energy
for at the end of the day. But I like flirt-
ing and meeting somebody and saying
ind letting it happen. In this day and
age, as soon as you sleep with somebody
it conjures up this whole set of issues and

76 you've created this whole thing. There's

this responsibility. It’s almost more ар-
pealing to just be flirtatious and have а
good time. Then you can flirt with as
many people as you want and it's fun, it's
relaxing and you're not a bad guy and
you're not doing something wrong.
Maybe ГЇЇ look back at this time in my
life in ten years or 50 years and say,
“God, I really should have capitalized."
I'm certainly no monk, but it just seems
a little skeezy to me to do that. But
you've got to have fun in life.

PLAYBOY: How many serious relation-
ships have you had?

AFFLECK: Serious, serious relationships,
heavy-duty relationships? Four or five. I
qualify those as relationships that last a
year or more. Í started when I was 14.
She was a little older. I was a freshman
in high school, she was a senior. When
you're 16 you can fall in love every ten
minutes, but these were people I really
cared about and still care about.
PLAYBOY: What happened in terms of.
meeting women when you got out here
to Hollywood?

AFFLECK: I got shot down pretty regular-
ly, but I didn’t mind. There's some hon-
or in taking a shot, going down swing-
ing. So I guess in that respect I've been
confident, but not in the sense that I as-
sume women will like me.

PLAYBOY: Have you been burned much
by women?

AFFLECK: Yeah. I've had my heart broken
a couple of times. There was a heavy
heartbreak when I was 13 or 14, and
then I had a pretty traumatic experience
breaking up with this woman I'd gone
out with for a long time when I was in
my early 20s. This woman cheated on
me and I found out. I got upset and con-
fronted her and didn't really want to
break up. It's that really humiliating
thing where even though you feel
you've been wronged, you're still so in
love. What's really painful is that you
don't even want to end it, even though
you know you should. Of course, еуеп-
tually 1 did and we broke up and I got
over it, but it was kind of scarring.

I've probably been pretty lucky, I
haven't been burned too badly. Like 1
said, my past two major relationships
have ended amicably and I'm really
good friends with the women still, and
that's a nice thing. So I think I'm on the
right track.

PLAYBOY: What has been your biggest dis-
appointment with women?

AFFLECK: One of my biggest disappoint-
ments was Viagra. I figured it's this old-
guy drug, if you can't get a hard-on you
take Viagra. But then these guys start
telling me, "No, no, no, you can take it
too, and it's like you were 14 and jerking
off six times a day." So somebody gave it
to me. I took half and felt like 1 almost
had a heart attack. I had to sit down and
all и did was make me sweat and feel
dizzy. And really unnerved. I felt no sex-
ual effects whatsoever. So maybe I'm im-

mune to Viagra. That was a huge disap-
pointment for me. I thought I'd be able
to recapture those days when I was 15.
PLAYBOY: Have you ever thought of get-
ting married?

AFFLECK: I’m starting to get to the age
where you can feel that shifting of aware-
ness. All my friends, men and women,
but particularly women—there's some-
thing that comes over them and it's al-
most palpable. I think it happens earlier
in women, starts to happen around my
age—I'm 27. I don't know when it hap-
pens with men. A little later. They will go
along with itand get married. But usual-
ly it’s because of the women—they love
babies, they start looking at wedding
books, going to their friends’ weddings
and talking about who's gotten engaged.
PLAYBOY: Does marriage scare you?

try to be very up-front. I'm not
in a consistent enough place where I can
say, “Well, here are my ground rules for
relationships," because they are in flux.
They're changing and I'm changing.
One of the reasons I'm not in a relation-
ship right now is that I just know at some
level that I don't want to be married, I
don't want to have kids. I'm just not
ready for that. Everybody tells me not to
get married. Every single person I talk
to who's over the age of 40, they give me
this look like—and it's unsolicited, too.
They'll just зау, “Ву the way, wait, just
wait. At least till you're 40. The only rea-
son to do it is if you want kids.” That's
what everybody tells me. The most grim
view of marriage is from the entertain-
ment business.

PLAYBOY: What do they say?

AFFLECK: Oh, everyone has a story. Guys"
wives running around on them, taking
their money. Peter O'Toole told me I
should find a woman I hate, give her my
house and skip the rest of it.

PLAYBOY: You were about 11 when your
parents split up. What effect did that
have on you?

AFFLECK: I probably haven't been through
enough analysis to answer that question.
I don't know. I had to be the man of the
house. I had to take more responsibility
atan earlier age. I think it left me kind of
schizophrenic—I never knew if I was
young or old. I can be serious and heavy
and feel very burdened and adult. Alter-
nately, I can be very juvenile. I had a
pretty good childhood. It wasn't like we
had a lot of money, but we weren't poor.
PLAYBOY: Your father worked several
jobs, didn't he?

AFFLECK: Му dad was sort of a jack-of-all-
trades. He was an auto mechanic for
many years, an electrician, did some
kind of construction stuff and then was
a bartender and a janitor at Harvard.
He left and went into alcohol recovery
around 1990 at a really interesting place
called the ABC Club in Indio, Califor-
nia. I think Indio's chiefly famous for be-
ing the place where Jimmy Swaggart got
caught with a prostitute. My dad went

2 о2. Hennessy
with either:

ginger
ale

savor the complexity of
the Hennessy Highball

& Somerset Co, НҮ
AER

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ћу

through recovery at this place and end-
ed up getting a job there. He sobered up
and I was able to reestablish a relation-
ship with him and become friends with
him, which is really a nice thing.
PLAYBOY: Your father was a stage direc-
tor, too.

AFFLECK: He was once a director or stage
manager of a theater in Boston and
worked with a bunch of people who аге
famous now: Dustin Hoffman, Robert
Duvall, Jon Voight and James Woods.
PLAYBOY: What sort of man is your dad?
AFFLECK: My father had an extremely dif-
ficult life. A lot of stuff in Good Will Hunt-
ing was inspired by things that 1 came to
know about the world through my fa-
ther. And Matt knows my dad real well.
PLAYBOY: So the characters in Good Will
Hunting were based on your dad?
AFFLECK: The character that Matt played
has a lot more in common with other
people, older people we know. People
who are working class but who we think
arc rcally bright. Thats one of the inspi-
rations—when you're young and you're
looking at people and you're trying to.
figure out the hierarchy of the world,
who's smart and who's in which position,
and then you start to recognize that
there are a lot of really smart, capable
people who aren't afforded a lot of re-
spect or position by the societal hierar-
chy. And so then it was about trying to
reconcile that with the academic side of
the world.

PLAYBOY: Weren't you surrounded by a
lot of upper-class kids who went to
Harvard?

AFFLECK: Yeah. I didn't know quite where
І fit because I wasn't a fifth-gencration
Irish cop. My mother went to Radcliffe
but then was a teacher and a product of
that. I used to ask her, "Why don't you
get a job that pays some money instead
of being the idealistic Sixties person who
teaches in public school?” But there was
something about going to the public
schools in Cambridge, we were like the
town kids. There were the real townie
kids and there were these university kids
at MIT and Harvard. It was weird when
Matt got into Harvard and was able to
see both sides of it. І would go hang out
with him there and we had all these prej-
udices about these fucking Harvard
kids. Then I kind of got to know a lot of
them and they were really interesting,
kind of cool people. There were some
dicks and some stercotypical clitist ass-
holes. But more often I found some
pretty neat people there.

PLAYBOY: Are you friendly with your fa-
ther now?

AFFLECK: From about 13 to about 18, 1
didn't really have a lot to do with my
dad. Or see him very much. Then he
went through recovery, and I moved out
to LA. I was a long way from home and
it was like I had just thrown my shit in
the car and decided, Fuck college, t
what I want to do, I'm not going to waste

my time, I want to go strike out and pur-
sue my dreams. I came out here and my
dad was a couple hours away, so 1 would
Бо out and visit him frequently. It was
nice. We'd spend long afternoons to-
gether. It was 110 degrees out in the
desert in this quiet old town, inhabited
almost entirely by Mexican Americans
and Mexican nationals. And it’s a place
that hasn't really been built up much
since the Fifties so it sort of looks like the
Fifties. Except for the cars, it’s a quiet
place, real hot, but kind of therapeutic. 1
think it was really good for my dad to be
out there. We would go out and talk all

and over the years I reestablished a

AFFLECK: I guess 1 was outgoing, preco-
cious and obnoxious, like any child actor.
You know—these kids with unbearably
big smiles, and they're four and wearing
little fucking cutesy suits. Luckily my
mother always hated the idea of my be-
ing an actor. Her best friend from col-
lege was a casting director in Boston who
made an independent movie and nced-
ed a seven-year-old kid. So 1 did that. 1
barely knew what I was doing. It was
like, “Go over there and come back
here.” I guess I took to it and had fun.
Then there was a casting call for a pub-
lic television series that was coming
through town. I was eight years old and
ended up getting that. I did that one
show, but every two years Га go off for a
month and a half or longer and shoot
this kids’ drama show called The Voyage of
the Mini. The Mimi was a boat. They st
inflict this thing on sixth graders іп sci
епсе classes all over the country.
PLAYBOY: It was on PBS?

AFFLECK: Yes. I was 13 or 14 when I fin-
ished my last Mimi assignment, and by
that point 1 really liked acting, liked be-
ing out there and being in the adult
world and working and pretending and
having fun. They gave me ten bucks
a day, which was like a fortune to me.
I bought comic books with that money. I
had to maintain the lifestyle.

PLAYBOY: Was there a breakthrough role?
AFFLECK: It's hard to say. I did Dazed and
Confused, but that was considered a
bomb when it came ош. It later became
a cult college movie. I was the bad guy in
that. I got sick of playing bad guys. But I
really liked this guy, Kevin Smith, who'd
done Clerks, so 1 went in to audition for
Mallrats. That was a break in a lot of
ways, though I didn’t realize it at the
time. Kevin and I became friends; he de-
cided to write Chasing Amy for me. Inev-
er auditioned or anything—he just cast
me, which was a huge break. While we
were shooting Chasing Amy, me and Matt
were also working on Good Will Hunting.
PLAYBOY: Kevin Smith seems to have
been an important force in your life. He
cast you in Mallrats, Chasing Amy and
now Dogma.

© 1999 Schifeln & Somerset Co. NY, NY, Cognac Hennessy 40% Ac. Vol. (80°) please drink responsibly

PLAYBOY

AFFLECK: I started to get some parts, but I
was the bad guy in almost every other
fucking thing. Kevin called me one day,
and it seemed too good to be true. He
said, "I'm writing this movie about a guy
who falls in love with a lesbian and 1
want you to play the lead. I think there's
a side of you that people really haven't
seen. You can really Бе a leading man
and do some romantic things, and 1
don't think you're too big.” That was the
running joke because there was a pro-
ducer who told Kevin not to hire me be-
cause I was too big.

PLAYBOY: What appealed to you about
Dogma? Was it the controversy? Some
people view it as anti-Catholic.

AFFLECK: І actually read it a couple of
years ago, when I was making Chasing
Ату. During the rehearsals he gave me
the script as a kind of "Oh, hey, look
what else I wrote. Га like to make this
down the road." I read it and thought it
was the most unusual, original, interest-
ing script I'd ever read. In a world of ho-
mogenized movie products, where it's
just Die Hard this or Die Hard that and
where everything has to fit into a mold,
here was a movie that was completely.
fresh. And whether you loved it or hat-
ed it, you hadn't seen anything like it.
That's what got me into it. I wanted to
do it badly, so much so that I kind of se-
cretly looked at the entire process of
Chasing Amy as a two-month audition for
this movie, He didn't ask me to do it un-
til we wrapped Chasing Ату, so I guess in
some ways I was right.

PLAYBOY: Are you surprised at the соп-
troversy? Disney, which owns Miramax,
said the film was "inappropriate." Mira-
max had to go elsewhere to release it.
AFFLECK: I think Disney was nervous
about it because Disney has had prob-
lems in the past with certain groups. The
issue of same-sex health care benefits re-
ally irked a radical and vocal fringe ele-
ment of the religious right. There's this
sense that Disney is a liberal entity. It’s a
vague and nebulous idea, and I think it
irks the religious right that Disney puts
itself forth as a family company when re-
ally, by God, it endorses homosexuality,
among other awful things.

PLAYBOY: How did you make Good Will
Hunting?

AFFLECK: It was kind of embarrassing.
Everyone is an actor with a script, and
you feel like just another asshole with a
screenplay. So we banged іс out in two
months one summer. We wrote the vast
majority of that script in LA.

PLAYBOY: When you sold it, the deal was
that you had to be in it. And it all hap-
pened almost overnight.

AFFLECK: It was like a fairy tale that start-
ed over the course of a week. There was
a bidding war. We got $600,000 to split,
which was more money than either one
of us had ever seen in our lives. It was
like winning a lottery: $300,000! Jesus

80 Christ! Can you imagine? I had just bro-

ken up with another girlfriend, which is
why everyone says I was homeless. I had
moved out of this girl's house. She hates
me now, by the way. 1 moved back in
with Matt and another friend and I was
staying on the couch and I said, “ГИ find
an apartment. Whatever." They didn't
really care. And it was easier to write
over there. I didn't have an apartment
of my own, but all of a sudden I had
$300,000—or $130,000 after taxes and
an agent. But I liked to think that I had
$300,000. And fuck ifit wasn't about the
most incredible experience in the world.
PLAYBOY: But then Castle Rock, which
bought the film, wanted to revise it.
AFFLECK: Castle Rock didn't want го re-
vise; they were ready to make it. This is
kind ofa sensitive area and I don't mean
to bash them, but they had somebody
who they wanted to direct the movie and
it was a disagreement over that. We want-
ed to offer it to other people first, our
dream people. I don't know how to say
this without sounding like a fucking
cheap laminated poster in some sixth
grade guidance counsclor's office, but
we didn't want to accept anything less
than exactly what we wanted. We had
ten directors in mind, the great direc-
tors. We wanted Gus Van Sant or Martin
Scorsese and we felt like the material was
pretty directable. We wanted to at least
have these guys read the script—at least
send it to them, offer it to them. Castle
Rock wasn't willing to show it to anybody
else. They had their one person they
wanted to make it with, and that was it.
It was unusual, but they were true to
their word and said, "If we ever have a
creative disagreement with you guys,
we'll give you the script back." And so
they did. They said, "If you guys don't
want to do it this way, you'll have to find
someone else who'll buy it back from us."
Which we did.

PLAYBOY: You were making Chasing Amy
at that time?

AFFLECK: Right. Well, we had sold our
script a year and a half before that, but
by the time we sold it to Miramax I was
rehearsing Chasing Amy. And then no
one wanted to buy it. Everybody in New
York and Los Angeles got that script апа
every single person, everybody who was
in the business of making movies, turned
it down. Every single person. Harvey
Weinstein and his brother, Bob, were the
only people who wanted it.

PLAYBOY: Why?

AFFLECK: We weren't cool. We weren't
anything but two upstarts who got over-
paid for a screenplay in the first place
and had the audacity to think we could
act in it too, when it was well known that
we could probably get Johnny Depp or
Brad Pitt or somebody like that to do it.
Studios said they didn't want to do it Бе-
cause we were encumbering the movie.
That's what we were told over and over
again. And then we said we wanted to
make it for $6 million or $7 million, $15

million tops. The people at Fox said,
“We don't make movies at that budget
We don't make those kinds of movies.”
Why don't they fucking do those mov-
ies? Since it only cost $15 million and
grossed $200 million, seems like those
are the movies to do.
PLAYBOY: The fact that you got Robin
Williams helped.
AFFLECK: It became easier for everyone to
believe in itonce he signed on. It became
a Robin Williams movie, so it didn't mat-
ter who we were or who anyone else was.
Robin is possibly the most commercial
actor in the world. To his credit, he cut
his price—Robin made a deal where he
would only profit in the success of the
movic. He believed in the movie, he
showed up and worked incredibly hard
in rehearsals. I thought that was rare
then, and J realize it now even more.
Robin Williams worked harder on that
movie than anyone Гхе ever seen.
PLAYBOY: Shortly thereafter, you got the
part in Armageddon and worked side by
side with Bruce Willis. It was the first
time you held your own with a big star.
AFFLECK: It was an education. I mean,
Bruce ended up being really nice to me,
but he could haye made my life hell on
that movie. I wasn't accustomed to the
idea of a power struggle on a movie.
There’s a kind of alpha dog thing that
goes on between the studio, the director
and the star. And this kid shows up who
no one knows, Well, is this kid the real
thing? There was a certain amount of
tension, which 1 didn't understand. Lat-
er I figured out it was all the interested
parties trying to figure out who was go-
ing to end up running the show. Michael
Bay [the director] is headstrong. Bruce
is headstrong. I was cooperative and
amiable, but proud. I didn’t want to be
told to go fuck myself and sit in the cor-
ner. As long as no one was going to tread
оп me I was going to be perfectly ami-
able. Then you had the whole Dirty Doz-
en thing with a bunch of other guys in
the movie. So that added to the testoster-
one. Everybody was sniffing around. I
ended up getting along with Michael
and Bruce, and | still talk to Bruce. He
turned out to be just a normal guy.
PLAYBOY: After Armageddon, you took a
small part in Shakespeare in Love, when
you could certainly have taken a big-
bucks, high-profile part in another stu-
dio film. Why?
AFFLECK: Everybody told me to pass on
that. Michael Bay said, “Don’t do some
Shakespeare movie in tights.” People
said, "It's not a lead. You're doing some-
body else’s movie, and this is like some
art movie, and you got to build a career
аза leading man, and you're coming off
Armageddon and on and on. And besides
Gwyneth, there are a bunch of Brit-
ish actors in it, and nobody has heard of
Joseph Fiennes.” But I loved it. I saw
Joe's screen test and thought that he was
(continued on page 204)

WHAT SORT ОЕ MAN READS PLAYBOY?

He's a world-class spender. That's why she reminds him months ahead of her birthday—and Christ-
mas and Valentine's Day and her dog's birthday. He does his own indulging. PLAYBOY men spent
nearly $7 billion on clothing, shoes, watches and jewelry this past year. That's more than the
clotheshounds at GQ, more than the ab-obsessives at Men's Health, more than the gear-
heads at Rolling Stone. PLAYBOY—we're big and we spend like it. (Source: Spring 1999 MRI.)

82

jesus, baby, how crass do you think i am?

> a three-way sounds great =

Fiction by Thom Jones

rom: 1134.

To: СС14

Date Sent: December 23. 1998

Subject: Re: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!

Feliz Navidad and just what in the fuck are you trying to pull here?
Christ! Calling me at my house?!!! Drunk on your ass?!!! Two in the
morning?!!! Right after the bars close?!!! What were you thinking?
What can 1 do after someone pulls a number like that except change
the phone number and sever all contact? Crazy-ass bitch. Goddamn it,
I don't care how fucking drunk you get, that's something you just do
not do *ever* no matter what happens. Never! Ever! It's not permissi-
ble. 1 was fucking ready to fucking kill you. Now І have to memorize
two new phone numbers, and for this old dog new tricks come hard.
So tell me, are you proud of yourself? Did you actually think you could
win me back with a caper like that? Stupid fucking psycho bitch. If I
was lovesick no matter how bad, 1 would never do what you did. There
are rules. I'm not going to wreck *your* marriage, suck marriage
though it may be. This is absolutely my last contact with you. This is
absolute and unequivocal. I'm closing your ignominious file today;
it's over!

You must realize that after that drunken-ass screaming insane bull-
shit phone call waking up everyone in the fucking house, I can never
trust you again—you crossed the line. I do *like* you and think of you
fondly—it's just over. Anyhow, the whole affair was bullshit. I was real-
ly going after your pal, Lisa, the psychiatrist. She was the one I was

PAINTING BY RAFAL OLEINSKI

PLAYBOY

84

chasing and you kind of interjected
yourself. 1 really hate it, the way you
did that and then got all fucking clingy
dependent. How was 1 going to come
on to Lisa after that?

Your whole insecure jealousy thing is
virtual paranoia. You should take Tho-
razine or something. I'm serious. So
long, pretty baby—and Feliz Navidad.
Have a holly jolly Christmas,

As always, I remain your sweet potato,

Xxxxs

Maximilian Schell

PS. Please delete this e-mail message
immediately.

то: ССІ4

RE: Lisa Knows About Your Tawdry
Unnatural Desires

DATE SENT: December 26, 1998

I can't believe you told Lisa I was hot
for her. Shit! Why did she break up
with that asshole? Don't tell me. What
else did she tell you? I want to зауог
every detail. I'm in Oxford, MS. Stay-
ing in Faulkner's well-preserved house.
Wm. never was much of a screenwriter
and I don't know a soul who's read his
books. Overrated doncha think?

Love,

Uncle Ho

то: CC14

кЕ: Have Yourself а Merry Little
Christmas!

DATE SENT: December 31, 1998

Look, perhaps 1 did go too far, but
you have to stop making these crazy
threats. And calling up Lisa was not a
good move. True, I did kiss her, but it.
was just one of those one-time things.
Maybe you should tell her how you
called me up at 2 ам: “Motherfucker! I
hate you, you fucking cocksucker! 1
don't care if I wake up the whole fuck-
ing house—I hate you. You ruined my
life!” Tell Lisa that. Tell how you stormed
and raged like a fucking maniac. You
don't think people in bed next to some-
one can't hear screaming over a tele-
phone? Jesus! Talk about uncalled for.

Nonetheless I'm slightly sorry. I do
have a measure of empathy and com-
passion. But you knew what I was
when you got into it with me. You were
forewarned. Now you say you're dick-
ing Seth Holmes, that cornball anes-
thesiologist? You better watch out.
You'll get caught and Bob will slap di-
vorce papers on your ass before you
can pull your panties back on. Really.
You're a fucking amateur, babe. You
don't want a divorce, believe me. So
cool your jets. OK? And don't try to
track me down again through the stu-
dio. My agent informed them never to
disclose my whereabouts. Chill! You'll
be fine,

Sonny Barger

то: СС14

RE: Oh Yeah! Well You Сап Kiss Му
Ass!

DATE SENT: January 26, 1999

Hey babe, calm the fuck down. I
didn't say you were insane per se. It's
just a figure of speech. Screwing a new
guy? You're playing with fire. Didn't I
tell you to watch your ass? Of course
Bob *suspects* something. You
*changed* your look. You are *never*
home. That “on call" bullshit only goes
so far. You are violating your pattern
and you don't know how obvious it is
even to the unthinking dullards of the
world. You wanna know something
else? The way they really can tell уоште
fucking somebody? Sex is different,
that’s how. You can keep the same
schedule and so on but it’s different.
That's the giveaway beyond. But it's
not conclusive 11th-hour Perry Mason
courtroom testimony. Bob doesn’t want
to believe it. It’s your job to allay his
fears. Whatever you do, admit to noth-
ing. Deny it! He isn't going to go апу-
where. He's just blowing off steam. It
will pass. Just play it cool, OK?

Yours,

Dr. Zarkov

то: ССІ4

RE: Асе, Man, You Are One Stupid
Asshole!

DATESENT: January 29, 1999

Look, if the little Bobcat interrogates
you, gets a Іше rowdy and smashes
some furniture, a few priceless an-
tiques—it only means that he loves
you. Whatever you do, don't confess
and don't knuckle under. 1 know
you're guilty, feel like Hester Prynne
and all of that, but don't let it show. For
Christ's sake. Just tell him to go fuck
himself. He hasn't got aerial photogra-
phy. It’s all paranoid conjecture. The
green-eyed monster has got Bobby-boy
in its clutches, but cool out. He's a de-
pendent personality. He won't leave
you. Guaranteed. You can take that
опе to the bank.

Hang in,

Xxxs

Ace

то: CC14

RE: He Did It! He Packed the Sam-
sonite and Blew Town!

DATESENT: February 2, 1999

Hey babe, so sue me, I was wrong.
But he'll be back. Three days max. And
this is your story: You were having a late
snack with a colleague after a long shift.
That's *all* it was. Perfectly innocent.
Give Bob shit for following you. What
kind of crap is that, anyhow? Who is this
new guy anyhow? You said he was a res-
ident. How old is he? Is he hot?

Zarkov

то: ССІ4

RE: One Night Stand

DATESENT: February 4, 1999

А one night stand. Right! Well, I told
you that you would get caught if you
weren't careful—but here's the good
news: You weren't really caught! How
many times do I have to tell you this?
It's like talking to a brick wall. You de-
ny everything. All you were seen doing
is having a snack. You weren't holding
hands in the restaurant, were you? No.
You're just sitting there with stars in
your eyes. Well, that's not getting
caught, baby. Is this new one a sur-
geon? How tall is he?

James Douglas Morrison

то: CC14

RE: Jealous

DATESENT: February 7, 1999

No, I am not jealous, and if that's what
is motivating this bullshit hanky-panky,
you can forget it! What does Lisa think?
Are you giving her the blow-by-blow?
What kind of shit-for-brains shrink is
she, anyhow? Use that high-priced intel-
lect of yours. Ве logical

Meanwhile, I've been getting back
into my novel these last few weeks.
Novel? Sonnets? Corporate advertise-
ments?—all of these things are prefer-
able to scriptwriting.

Ming of Mongo

то: ССІ4

RERERE: Happy Valentine's Day!

DATESENT: February 14, 1999

Baby, this is ridiculous. І *couldn't*
read all your e-mails. You just hit me
with the whole Library of Congress! 1
didn't write back not because you are
pathetic but because each time 1 write
back, you fucking flip.

Yours truly,

Captain Torch

PS. Do not scan photos and send
them to me. It's obvious that your new
look is an attempt to transform your-
self into a second Lisa. You’re not her.
You looked fine the old way. This new
look *is* pathetic. I mean (LOL)—it's
not you. Dig? Assemble your senses
and quit pulling crap.

то: CC14

RE: Malicious Slander

DATESENT: February 16, 1999

In no way, shape or form do you ap-
pear in the book, I swear! And Lisa nei-
ther. Jesus, baby! How crass do you
think Lam?

Xxxs

A

то: CC14

RE: Touching Reunion

DATESENT: February 17, 1999

Itold you Bob would come back and
(continued on page 206)

“After she sends the Christmas cards, Christmas is
over for my wife.”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID LACHAPELLE

N

SHE ГОР HARD Е ОР

HERE 15 something about
Naomi Campbell that sets
her apart from other su-
permodels. While she can

seduce the camera and work

a catwalk with the best of the

streamlined beauties, Campbell

has a taste for risk taking and an
absolute self-confidence that has
fueled her success and her lon-
gevity. In an industry where wom-
en are often given their walk-

ing papers before they hit 25,

29-year-old Campbell is still one

of the top-paid models in the

world. “I work very hard and I'm

worth every cent,” says Naomi

of her net worth, which Business

Age has estimated at $29 million.

She was discovered at 15, and it

wasn't long before the British-

born beauty’s exotic good looks (a

mixture of Jamaican and Chinese

ancestry) made her grace the соу-
ers of Time and Vogue. Like many
of her peers, Campbell has en-
dured her share of PR embarrass-
ments over the years: a reported
near drug overdose т the Canary
Islands (she said it was an allergic
reaction to antibiotics), her part
ownership of the Fashion Café
and an allegation that she assault-
ed ап assistant. But she shrugs off
criticism in the wake of two suc-
cessful books, an album on Epic

Records that was big in Japan,

roles in films such as Spike Lee's

Girl 6 and her contributions to

children’s charities. She’s been

called the black panther, and her
impressive physique tells us why

What's her secret? “I never diet. I

smoke. І drink now and then. І

never work out,” she says. Cap-

tured here, Naomi shows off a

sensual versatility that will keep

her in demand for years to come.

MAKEUP ARTIST AYAKO YOSHIMURA FOR NARS

HAIR STYLIST DANILO FOR DANILOWORLD.COM

z
3

SET DESIGN: KRISTE!

MANICURE; GIGI

AIRBRUSH ART. ERNI VALES

EXCHANGE

WILSON FOR CREATIVE

FASHION STYLIST РА

A

BILL CLINTON’S

the president has made a batch of chicken soup

k. | for the soul, and he wants you to eat it

FE LESSONS

fthe wife is away,
If the dragon wants to play,
What the hey.
Kiss it.”
—OLD CHINESE PROVERB
“Oo la la!”
—LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, Maxims

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This book із the result of a lot of hard
work, even more than went into making
the atomic bomb or building the inter-

state highway system or putting a man
on the moon. It’s incredibly difficult as-
sembling a book of inspiring stories
about uninspiring people. Oh—special
thanks to Williams and Connolly, the
Washington law firm, and to the moder-
ate Republicans who voted against im-
peachment. We love you very much!

LUST: THE DRIVING FORCE

A president had been thinking all
morning in the Oval Office about how

to bring peace to a troubled part of the
world that had a nasty tendency to
cause things like world wars. His advi-
sors were divided. Just what he needed!
One wanted to send big planes full of
bombs and “turn the whole region into
a parking lot.” Others wanted to spend
more time trying to convince the ruler
of the region to stop killing so many of
his own people in horrible ways.

“I need to think about this by my-
self,” the president said, dismissing all

humor by

Christopher Buckley

PLAYBOY

102

of the advisors.

He was still thinking when a plump
young woman brought him a pizza.
She showed him her thong underwear
and called him Handsome. "Why don't
I give you oral sex?" she offered pleas-
antly. "That might make it easier to
come to a decision."

"That would be great!" the president
exclaimed. While she was "doing" him,
the president telephoned a congress-
man to discuss the troubled region.

Gosh, thought the congressman, the
president really does care about this
situation. But why does he keep calling
me "Baby, oh baby baby baby"? When,
months later, the congressman read in
the newspapers that the president had
been having oral sex at the time, at first
he was cross. He called the president's
chief of staff. “I look like an idiot" he
complained.

"Don't," said the chief of staff, "spin-
ning" him. "You should feel privileged
that the president feels so comfortable
with you that he can have oral sex
while discussing with you whether to
commit U.S. troops." "Oh, well," said
the congressman. "In that case, I feel
great!"

INCRIMINATING BUT NUTRITIOUS

The first lady was sipping tea and
tearing the young aide a new rectal ori-
fice when a call alerted her to the fact
that a White House lawyer and old
friend had gone and stuck a gun bar-
rel in his mouth while having lunch
in a park outside the nation's capital.
Worse, he had pulled the trigger.

She jumped up, knocking the whim-
pering aide into the fireplace, and ran
allthe way across the White House, her
sharp heels making a clickety-click
sound on the floor.

Upon arriving at the dead aide's of-
fice, she accosted some assistants who
were standing around discussing how
to fire the longtime staff of the White
House travel office so as to make room
for more cronies from Arkansas.

She told them to go get some bricks
and lumber and mortar and Sheetrock.
The puzzled aides inquired why, de-
spite the fact that the first lady was
known to tear off the testicles of any
aide who hesitated to carry out her
whims immediately.

But instead of getting angry, she
calmly explained, “I want to turn his
office into a shrine. I want to leave
everything just the way it was. And I
don't want those troublesome FBI
agents going through it and making a
mess of everything. So we will seal off
his office and pretend it was never
there. Now move it, or I will have you
burned alive.” The aides scurried off
lickety-split to get the materials. They
returned and immediately sealed off

the dead aide's office. It wasn't until
the following Monday that they heard
a frantic knocking from the other side.
In their haste, they had walled up the
dead aide's secretary!

But all was not lost, for the hungry
secretary had eaten all the incriminat-
ing documents in the dead aide's office,
leaving nothing for the FBI agents to
find when they—of course!—made a
mess of the place.

TAPE WORMS

A frightening New York literary
agent was chain-smoking while talking
on the phone to a scary-looking wom-
an. The scary-looking woman had
worked in the White House and was
now afraid that the president's lawyers
and henchmen were going to “make
me look bad.” “You mean,” said the lit-
erary agent, laughing up some lung,
“worse than you already do?”

“Oh, stop,” teased the scary-looking
woman. The reason all the president's
men were “gunning for her” was that
she had seen a woman crawl out of the
Oval Office on all fours after being vig-
orously “hugged” by the president,
who liked to hug desperate women who
came to him asking for a job.

“Don't be a stupid >" said the
literary agent, using a colloquial word
for a part of the female anatomy. “Start
taping your phone conversations with
the ,” she advised, using the
word for female dog to refer to the
scary-looking woman's young friend,
who had been having regular “oral”
sex with the president.

“What a great idea!” exclaimed the
scary-looking woman. She stopped eat-
ing the box of Ring-Dings on her lap.

Suddenly, she said, “J ;" using
the name of the Lord in vain.

"What?" said the literary agent, spit-
ting up phlegm.

"I'm so nervous, I've been eating the
wrappers!" At that, the women burst
out laughing. It wasn't at all a pleas-
ant sound, but it made both of them
feel good.

CHILL!

The president hadn't had sex in an
awfully long time and he was about to
burst. Ever since the big scandal over
his special friendship with the young
intern and the trial and everything, it
had been impossible to “get it on” with
anyone, including his wife. The first
lady had been acting very cross with
him—for, as she put it, “acting like a
pig in heat.”

Finally, one night, the president
couldn't stand it anymore. He came in-
to the bedroom, undressed and obvi-
ously excited. The first lady was in bed
with her hair in curlers and her face
covered with cold cream, reading a

novel by Harold Robbins called The
Carpetbaggers.

She looked up, saw the president's
excitement and said, “You better put
some ice on that.”

FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE
BEING DEPOSED.

(1) The day before, sit in front of a
mirror and practice having a heart at-
tack. (Hint: It's your left arm that's
supposed to hurt.)

(2) If they ask you a tough one, like,
“Are you shtupping the help?" try a hu-
morous comeback, such as “Have you
been listening in on people's phone
calls?" Or "Are we going to be here
much longer? I'm double-parked!"

(3) Don't reply, "I do not recall at this
point in time,” when they're asking
preliminary questions like, "What is
your name?" and “What is your pres-
ent occupation?"

(4) If you hear the word cigar, fake
the heart attack. (See number one.)

(5) Being deposed isn't much fun,
but it sure beats being decapitated!

SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS NOT JUST A CIGAR

A foreign head of state was visiting
the president to ask him to please use
his influence on the Israelis to stop
them from building new settlements so
darn-tooting close to what little land
his people could call their own. That
and the Israelis' habit of shooting his
people with rubber bullets for sport
was making them fidgety.

To put the foreign leader at ease, the
president went to a big box he kept on
his desk, took out a long, fat cigar and
offered it to him. The foreign leader
had been reading a lot about the presi-
dent and cigars lately.

“No thanks,” he said to the sur-
prised president. "I'm, uh, trying to
cut down."

After the visit, the president told his
advisors how impressed he was by the
foreign leader's self-control. That
night, he called his friend the Israeli
prime minister and urged him not to
shoot quite so many of the foreign lead-
er's people with rubber bullets.

NODOZE

The Secret Service agent standing
guard outside the Oval Office was so
exhausted from pulling double shifts
оп a recent visit to Asia that he had to
struggle to keep his eyes open. То stay
awake, he kept telling himself that he
was the last line of defense between
danger and the leader of the free
world.

Just then, a chubby, hysterical 23-
year-old came down the hallway. She
said to the Secret Service agent, "15
Сгееро in there? Get out of my way.”

(continued on page 222)

ЕУ

>

“I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for
the new millennium!"

103

A long time ago. in a galaxy not so far away, a little independent movie called Halloween chilled. iences and impressed
critics as one of the most masterful horror movies since Psycho. Its big-lunged young star, Jamig+ée Curtis, created the mold that
every latter-day scream queen tried то fill. Soon every aspiring actor dreamed of breaking-óüt in a hot horror lilm—but more often
ended up in career-breaking schlock. Even Curtis stopped screaming and moved ораб mainstream fare as the Friday the 13th,

In 1996, another little independent movie, Scream, reinvented the
and genuine scares. Critically acclaimed and a killer at the box off

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
1 Know What You Did Last
_ Summer Still Know What |
You Did Last Summer.
dung Power: Visible

interest on Party of Five and

its spin-off, Time of Your Life.
Best Cut: Has so many |
upper-body close-ups that

her slasher-film debut was
referred to as / Know Whar
Your Breasts Did Last Summer. y

. Scream, Scream 2. Scream 3
Wer: Undeniable
е,

ueen Activities:
Versize

S Party of, Five,
filled опата! Ghost di
filled т,

girl's fantasy by
ей Соз twice
sequel

ul
m еоиу|
és the са,
ІШ,

три sla.
о knew}

V Psy

Psycho (1960): Alfred Hitchcock's mother
of all slasher fims made everyone who saw
it afraid to take a shower.
Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974);
This gritty, grainy film loosely basedon
the rue story of aman who played
dress-up with human body parts still
toys with your sanity.
Halloween (1978): An escaped
mental patient returns to his home-
town то stalk baby-sitters and, in do-
ing so, makes a star our of Jamie Lee
Curiis and sets a precedent for fright films,
Friday the 13th (1980): Leonard Maltin claims ће
popularity of movies like this summer-camp slashfest
is the reason SAT scores have plummeted.
The Shining (1980): Director Stanley Kubrick
Found a way to make lack Nicholson's scenery
chewing work for a film-and made the best
adaptation of a Stephen King novel to dare.
The Fog (1980): Psycho shower victim Janer
Leigh reclaims her scream queen crown
alongside daughter Jamie Lee Curtis in John
Carpenter's eerie follow-up to Halloween.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
(1984): Paramount promised this would be
the last time we'd see hockey-masked killer Ja-
son Voorhees. Five sequels followed.
ANighimare on Elm Street (1984): The hideously
burned, blade-fingered Freddy Krueger became the most
unlikely antihero superstar with this shocker about a man
who kills тееп» in their dreams.
Hellraiser (1987): Irs a fine line between pleasure
and pain. Clive Barker found it in this dark,
kinky tale featuring demons that wear
bondage gear.
Child's Play (1988): Awoman can't
afford a new $100 doll so she buys one
that Б possessed by a serial killer froma
street peddler.
Candyman (1992): Say his name inthe
mirror five times and you're as good as dead.
Wes Craven's New Nightmare
(199): Probably the first movie that had the
balls to ask, "What effect do slasher movies
have on children?"

Scream (1996): Drew Barrymore turned.
down the lead role played by Neve Campbell and became
the sacrificial lamb in the opening sequence, scaring audi-
ences into thinking anyone could bite it any time. It worked
wonderfully,

Know What You Did Last Summer (1997): Gor-
ton's, purveyor of frozen fish foods, fielded concerns

that its Fisherman was affiliated with this movie's slicker-
wearing killer.

Scream 2 (1997): “Sequels suck,” says a character in
Scream 2, “Theyre inferior films." Nor this one.
Halloween: Hzo (1998): Jamie Lee Curtis rerurnsto fin-
ish off Michael Myers 20 years after the original, accompa-
nied by her mother, Janet Leigh, and Dawson's Creek cutie
Michelle Williams.

Psycho (1998): Gus Van Sant decided that

а shor-by-shor “re-creation” ol one of the

best movies of all time was a swell idea

The Blair Witch Project (1999): Wasit

“the scariest movie ever” because it really

was scary or because people flocked to see

amovie with the budget of a new car?

Scream 3 (1999): The final chapter in the

Godfather of horror films.

|

Number of movies: 12

Horror movies: The Dark, The Craft,
Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3

Movies directed by Wes Craven: Scream, Scream 2,

Scream 3
Number. of Oscar nominations: 0
Number of MTV Movie Awards nominations: 3

Amount of money her last five big-screen films
made in the U.S.: $276 million

Number of movies: 29

Horror movies: None, unless you consider
starring with Roseanne in She-Devil scary

Movies directed by Wes Craven: Music of
the Heart

Number of Oscar nominations: ТІ
Number of MTV Movie Awards nominations: Û

Amount of money her last five big-screen films
made inthe 52507 million

Videos That, Wil Keep Her
P Close to You sia

«The Exorcist.
The Shining
Halloween
The Blair Witch Project
ч ThelHaunting
у Јасоб 5 Ladder
Тһе Serpent and the Rainbow
Hellraiser р
Seven
Alien

P A s Christmas
А \ Gift Guide

\ | ТЕ CHANCE THIS CENTURY ТО SPEND IT

For the angler on your Christ-
mas list there's Mulholland
Brothers” newest collection of

piscatorial accessories іп red
Latigo leather: angler's bag
with a shoulder strap ($435),
fly book lined with sheepskin
(544), 56-inch fly rod case
(5430) and a fly reel case (573).

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO IZUI

Above: Not all stereo components are boring to behold. Oracle's CD turntable looks like a sleek aluminum sculpture and
features sophisticated suspension and disc-clamping systems that eliminate CD “chatter,” giving you the purest sound роз-
sible (about $900). Below: This 45-pound Swiss courier bicycle is the same type of one-speed two-wheeler seen in countless
World War И films, It’s fitted with an oversize leather seat, magneto-driven lights, a document rack and a leather tool case
with tools, a tire pump, а rear-wheel locking mechanism and a Swiss license plate, from Deutsche Optik (about $700).

Below: Lego has come up with the ultimate big-boy toy—the Mindstorms Robotics Invention System. This $200 kit
lets you design and program an actual robot (such as the Coin Sorter, pictured here, which uses sensors to deter-
mine coin size and separate pocket change accordingly). Each Mindstorms package includes more than 700 plas-
tic pieces, plus all the motors, gears and computer accessories necessary to get your invention going.

Above left: Loewe's 30-inch Planus standard-definition digital television has a platinum finish and combines а 16:9 view-
ing area (ideal for letterbox movies and digital broadcasts), six built-in speakers and audio technology that creates sur-
round-sound effects from stereo (about 54400). Above right: Braun's new 24-kt.-gold-plated Ultra Speed electric razor
features a triple shaving system that delivers 640,000 cutting actions per minute (about $250). Below left: Whether you are
planning to go underwater in style or are just dropping by your neighborhood bar, Bulgari's steel-cased Scuba Chrono with
a rubber strap makes a status statement. It's certified to a depth of 200 meters ($4600). Below right: Fujifilm's aluminum-
bodied MX-2700, a double megapixel digital camera with a telephoto lens, has the ability to store up to 142 images on a
memory card. On the camera’s back side is a liquid crystal display that shows nine images simultaneously, for instant edit-
ing (about $700). In front of it is Alfred Dunhill’s sterling silver Torpedo Pen, which houses a tiny pair of scissors ($595).

ice-buckef.) On the table's tooled-leather top is а silver-plated D.
Champagne Furniture-Gallery (about 52200). The bottle of bubbly

wit

|

ener wine table with ebony inlay is perfect for New Year's Eve. Each of its four brass
wine buckets contains a bottle of Dom Pérignon cuvée 1990 champagne: (In the center of the table is an additional

поп cork holder. The table is from the
cork holder аге $200. |

WHERE & HOW ТО BUY ОМ PAGE 292.

celebrity

hristmas arols

humor by Robert S. Wieder

Al Gore

(To the tune of ГИ Be Home for Christmas)

III be home next Christmas.

Back in Tennessee.

A tree in pants has gol no chance
And that's how folks see me.

Plus Bills dirty laundry

15 my load—that's rich.

And Hillary's upstaging me
With her campaign. the bitch.

| could get elected.

Га just need great luck,
And several graphic videos
Of “Dubya” with a duck

Can't foresee next Christmas,
But it seems quite sure,

If lm in the White House,
175 ‘cause I'm on the tour.

Boris Yeltsin
(To the tune of Good King Wenceslas)

Plotters scheme to throw me cul.
1 know whet they're thinking.
Stalin tells me all about

That stuff while we're drinking.
How | miss the good did days:
Everyone would hail me.

Now. thank God Im President.
Otherwise they'd jail me.

I've so many enemies,

Da. 1 should have whacked them.
Guess ГЇ fire my cabinet

(That tends to distract them).
Christmastime. my wish is that
You'll not starve or shiver.

As for me, beneath my tree

| could use a liver.

112

Marilyn Manson
(To the tune of Jolly Old Saint Nicholas)

1 may look ridiculous
To the average schlub:

Ore part fag-hag drag queen.
Ore part Beelzebub.

Actually, al heart Im just
A family guy. a bore.
But satanic weirdness

Is what kids pav for.

Here's my Christmas wish: Don't bust
Му chops for Littleton.

Though Im nuts. [ve never

Sold a kid a gun.

Charlton, Heston
(To the tune of Deck the Halls With
Boughs of Holly)

Load and lock and fire a volley.
Rattatattatat, Каром pow pow.

Hit Spike Lee and ГЇ be jolly.
Rottatattatat. kapow pow pow.
Hope that Santa makes you mer.
Rattalat. ганаја!, pow pow pow.
If not. blast the little fairy.
Rattataltalat, kathump, ow! ow!

Gun-control wimps, | abhor ‘em.
Rattatattatat. kapow pow pow.

Columbine. Shmolumbine: just ignore “ет,
Rattalattatat, kapow pow pow.

‚Christmas is no lime to cower.

Rattatat, rattatal, pow pow pow.

Give the gift of firepower.

That'll shut “em up. Каром, right now.

Michael Eisner
(To the tune of Joy to the World!)

Оу Screw the world!
Tm sorely bummed.
Of bad luck. I'm the king.

Our network's ratings took the shaft,
So Disney cut my pay in half.

Our parks were boycolt-prone,
"Cause we jus! leave gays alone.
And none of my hair transplants
Have really grown.

But nothing irked
Like Katz
He screwed me like a bulb.

The dwarf won, that's a major hit:
The Irial made me look ike shit.
‚Our bottom line's rubbed out.
Our stock is down the spout—
Better wish vou glad tidings
While Гуе still gol clout.

Jesse Ventura
(To the tune of Let It Snow!)

Oh vou may think I'm quite frightful,
A far cry from insightful.

But | conned the most voters, so
Let it go. let it go. let it go.

Because politics, Ike rasshin'.

Is just a wey of hestin’

For bucks: Either way. vou know,

I's all shou it's all show. it's all show.

[Chorus]

ІП really was such а goon,

By now vou'd have seen Keillor bleed.
Hel. | wrote me a book! And soon.
I'm thinking ЇЇ get one to read!

Oh they hate me “cause the truth is

That апу schmuck can do this.

Best wishes. and to my foes:

You can blow. you сап blow. you can blow.

Tom Cruise $ Nicole Kidman
(To the tune of Frosty the Snow Man)

Stanlev the showman

Had big hopes for “Eyes Wide Shut.”
Bul like everything we Iwo team in.

It just landed on its butt,

"Far and Away” tanked.

“Days of Thunder” ate il, too.

For Iwo superstars, we sure leave scars
On whatever we both do.

Hepbum and Tracy

Never had this maladh

Even Woody's flicks with Mia clicked!

ls it Scientology?

Oh, well, forget it.

Just enjoy your holiday:

Laugh and dance and sing-and one more thing:
Screw the tabloids. . . we're not дау.

"wil ét nto
E

+

Illustrations by Daniel Adel

„Hillary Rodham Clinton

(To the tune of Jingle Bells)

“Single bele —whal Ihe hell.
That could work for me.

Oh what fun to dump Bill's ass.
Then swing a victory,

“Woman wronged, comes back strong.
Gets divorced. wins big!”

Who needs Bil? That dimwit stil
Thinks Chelsea's his. the pig.

[Chorus]

Box. а Senate seal

Would show that bag of quts.
And. what's really neat.

“Tuould dive the fight wing nuts.
This "proud victim” bit

Could make my fantasy:

Ravished іп mv Senate sute

By "intems" Greg and Lee. Oh,

Bills disgrace is my ace,
Bless Lewinsky's knees.
Even if | lose. ГЇ get
Shefigure lecture fees.

So. to Bill: If vou will.

Tel her for me. dear—
"Merry Chrismas, vou fat slut,
And thanks for mv career!”

Rudy Giuliani

(To the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

"Ruck. the red-faced mayor.

That's what they've been cdling me.
“A politically tone-deaf tyrant”

And that’s just the GOP.

1 cracked down on jaywalkers.
Drinking drivers. blacks and browns
Meaning I've now pissed off most
Of the people in this town.

[Chorus]

I thought | was Senate bound.
But even Clinton foes.
Though they're sick of Hilary
Loathe my personality.

Beats me why I'm not loved more.

Anyway, my wish to vou:

"Have a temfic Christmas,

Or II have vour butt reamed. 100. 113

114

Fiction By DonaAuo E. WESTLAKE

the rock star's rock just fell into dortmunder’s

hands. fencing the thing, disguised as a ham sandwich,

wasn't going to be easy

verybody on the subway was reading the Daily
News, and every newspaper was open to the exact
same page, the one with the three pictures. The
picture of the movie star, smiling. The picture of
the famous model, posing and smiling. And the picture of
the stolen brooch. Shaped vaguely like a boomerang. with
a larger dark stone at each end and smaller lighter stones
scattered between (like stars in the night sky, seen, say,
from a cell), even the brooch seemed to be smiling.
Dortmunder was not smiling. He hadn't realized how
big a deal this damn brooch would be. With pictures of the
brooch in the hands of every man, woman and child in the
greater New York metropolitan area, it was beginning to
seem somehow less than brilliant that he should smuggle
the thing into Brooklyn disguised as a ham sandwich.
Over breakfast (sweetened orange juice, coffee with a lot
of sugar, Wheaties with a lot of sugar), that concept had
appeared to make a kind of sense, even to have a certain
elegance. John Dortmunder, professional thief, with his
sloped shoulders, shapeless clothing, lifeless hair-colored
hair, pessimistic nose and rusty-hinge gait, knew he could,
if he wished, look exactly like your normal average work-
ing man, even though, so far as he knew, he had never
earned an honest dollar in his life. If called upon to trans-
porta valuable stolen brooch from his home in Manhattan
to a new but highly recommended fence in Brooklyn,
therefore, it had seemed to him the best way to do it was
to place the brooch between two slabs of ham with a lot
of mayonnaise, this package to be inserted within two slic-
es of Wonder Bread, the result (continued on page 136)

ILLUSTRATION BY CHRISTIAN NORTHEAST

a tribute to

Shel Silverstein

by Jules Feiffer

Shel and | started out as cartoonists ай roughly the same time, ihough ће was at PLAYBOY a couple of years
before me, drawing from his own experiences (I assumed) about guys who got loid. When I landed at ғиувоу,
1 drew from my own experiences os well, about guys who wanted to get laid but got screwed instead. That was
only one reason | envied Shel.

The second reason | envied him was his line. He drew іп o loose scrowl that looked as much like hond-
writing as it did cortooning. It floated in puddles of line, expressive and exact, resembling no one else's work,

influenced by whom, I couldn't begin to guess.
We all were influenced, and there wos brilliant talent about to be influenced—by giants who converted
many of us into happy and second-rate imitators. There was Saul Steinberg (text concluded on page 206)

I WONDER WHO BEEN SCORIN WITH THE
SCOREKEEPERS SWEETIE

WHILE THE SCOREKEEPER DOESNT KNOW THE SCORE,
‚AND WHOS ONTHE FLOOR WITH THE DOORMANS DARLIN”
WHILE THE DOORMANS Busy MANNIN’THE DOOR,
SOMEONE'S SAVIN THE LIFE OF THE LIFEGUARD S WIFE
WHILE THE LIFEGUARDS GUARDIN'LWES OLTIN THE SEA,
AND WHILE | BEEN MOVIN'ALL AROUND THIS TOWN
TELL ME WHO BEEN МОИМ ИМ ON МЕ?

NOW WHO BEEN DIGGIN’ THE DITCHDIGGERS DAUGHTER
WHILE THE DITCHDIGGERS DIGGIN’ IN THE DITCH,

AND WHOS PLAYIN’ SWITCH WITH THE SWITCHMANS BITCH
WHILE THE SWITCHMANS BUSY TWITCHIN AT THIS SWITCH,
SOMEONE'S GRABBIN THE A55 OF THE ASTRONAUTS LASS
WHILE THE ASTRONAUT IS FLYIN’ THROUGH THE BLUE,
AND WHILE 1 BEEN GOIN ALL AROUND THE WORLD,

WHO BEEN GOIN’ ROUND THE WORLD WITH yov 7

1 WONDER WHo KEEPS GETTIN INTO THE INNKEEPERS CUTIE
WHILE THEINNKEEPERS KEEPIN’ THE INN,
ANDWHOS CUTTIN’ IN ON TAE Tin CUTTERS SIN
WHILE THAT TIN CUTTERS CUTTIN HIS TIN,
SOMEONES GETTIN THE HONEY FROM THE BEEKEEPERS HONEY
SO WHAT CAN A POOR BOY Do...
| MIGHTAS WELL GO SCORE
WITHTHE SCORE KEEPER'S SWEETIE
WHILE THE SCOREKEEPERS SCORIN’ WITH you!

<<
ође)

Uncle Shelby's Mother Goose

WHAT ARE LITTLE BOYS
MADE ОЕ?
FROGS AND SNAILS AND
PUPPY DOSS TAILS
AND 28/000 AND ENTRAILS Ges BLIND mE
u‘ i Lao SEE How TI Ui Б
БЫР Мара атас ТНЕУ ALL RAN AFTER THE FARMERS (IFE
SHE CUT OFF THEIR TAILS WITH A CARVING-
KNIFE SUSTASTHE MAN FROM S. PCA.
WALKED IN AND ---

THERE WAS AN OLD (WOMAN WHO LIVED IN
А SHOE
SHE HAD So MANY CHILDREN SHE DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT To Do
BUT HER PROBLEM WAS SOLVED APD НЕК,
WORRIES WERE THROUGH

WHEN SOMEONE PUT HIS Foor IN THE SHOE.

Uncle Shelby’s Scout Handbook

SEP N UNCLE SHELBY
SCOUT CAM SEND
я А MESSAGES WITH FLAGS!
4 SEE THE BUILDING ON
| FIRE Down THE BLOCK?
| RUN DOWWSTAIRS WITH
Усов FLAGS AUD SEND
|) А MESSAGE FOR HELP
AND YoU WILL BE A

AN UNCLE SHELBY Scout
15 AN EXPERT SWIMMER,

HE САМ Do THE CRAWL, THE BACKSTROKE,
Me BREASTSTROKE Амр THE SIDESTROKE,
Never MIND THE UNDERTbuw” LET US SUMP
INTO THE WATER AND SWIM, SWIM, SWIM !

ТОЈЕМЕ ,
OFFICER АШАУ

НЕКЕ ARE. ЗОНЕ POSSIBLE боор DEEDS.

O HELP A RICH OLD LADY CROSS THE STREET,

(HELP SOMEONE FIND HIS COUTACTLEAS.

(E)BEAT ОР А MASOCHIST:

TELL YOUR MOTHER SHE WAS RIGHT!

SQUASH A Кер AUT.. OR A BLACK AVI. E FORGET WHICH.

(©) WHISTLE АТ АЫ UGLY WOMAN.

HELP TWO Bie NICE GUYS DEPEND THEMSEL
Cee A SMALL un D 12)
FIND A BAG CoNTAMUIHG-#50,000 AD DONATE

17 то CHARITY /

O FIND А BAG CONTAINING 850,000 AND DONTE
Most OFT TO CHARITY /

(9 CATCH PUEUMOWIA AND Go АЛо А COMA
So THAT А FOOTBALLTERM CAN WIN OVE FoR You.
FORGIVE A MAN wHo HAS TUST KILLED Your
FATHER IN A RIGGED DUEL.

(О STEP ou THE GLASSES OF А WEARSIGHTED
JUDGE WHO IS TUST ABOUT To 5/6 THE

PAPERS CONDEMWING AN INNOCENT MAN TO
HIS DEATH!

BUT FIRST LET US EAT A- МСЕ-в, | уусу]

Uncle Shelby’s ABZ Book

15 FOR DADDY

SEE DADDY SLEEPING ON THE COUCH
SEE DADDY'S HAIR. DADDY NEEDS А HAIRCUT 15 FOR FINGER
Poor DADDY. DADDY HAS No MONEY FOR ron!
AHAIRCUT. DADDY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY Fin
TO BUY You TOYS AND OATMEAL. PooR STICK YoUR FINGER INTO
DADDY. DADDY CANNOT HAVE А HAIRCUT. YOUR NOSE. DOESA'T THAT
Фооқ Poor DADDY. FEEL МІСЕ? CAN You STICK
SEE THE KISSORS Тоок ‚FINGER INTO THE
PooR PooR PooR DADDY BABYS EAR® THE BABY
15 CRYING. MAYBE HE
WANTS HIS BOTTLE. You
САМ STICK YoUR FINGER INTO
THE FIRE-00#4-THE FIRE
15 HOT
QUICK- STICK YOUR FINGER INTO
THE MAYONNAISE - THERE- [ISN'T
THAT NICE AND CooL 2
PRINT 'C-0-O-L'oN THE
MIRROR IN MAYONNAISE
BRENT FINGERS FUN?
TOMORROW WE WILL FIND SOME
NEW THINGS TO Do WITH FINGERS.

Silverstein’s Zoo The

Unfors
end near

eyes

Vien IVE KILLED А DICKEREE.

1 DID IT By MISTAKE.

(THOUGHT SHE WAS A BALL, YOU SEE,
50 1 BOUNCED HER ON THE WALL, YOU SEE,
| DIDNT THINK АГАЦ, YOU SEE,

THAT SHE MIGHT BREAK.

1 Am GOING То RIDE ON THE FLYING FESTOON,

ILL JUMP ON HIS BACK AND ILL WHISTLE A TUNE,
AND WEÍLFLy To THE OUTERMOST Tip OF THE MOON,
THE FiyiNG FESTOON AND 1.

OH, ум TAKING SOME CRACKERS, A BALL AND A PRUNE,
AND WERE LEAVING THIS EVENING PRECISELY АТ NOON,
FOR їм GOING To FLy WITH THE FLYING FESTOON,

JUST AS SOON AS НЕ LEARNS HOWTO ћу.

“No, seriously. What could you possibly want?”

City Girls «-—

do real girls talk about SEX the way they do on

sex and the city?

See For Yourself

EPISODE giving head

The three women who met me at Lot 61 to dish about
their sex lives were so gorgeous and illustrious I had trou-
ble keeping my head above the table during the meal.
Though we all got along, we didn't agree on much of any-
thing having to do with sex (except that we all love it). We
аге all in our 20s and 305, we all live south of 14th Street
and we all have swanky job titles such as fashion executive
or comedy writer. In the interest of privacy, we decided to
choose pseudonyms from the golden age of feminist TV,
the Seventies. The names we selected were Barbara Coo-
per, Gloria Bunker Stivic, Pepper Anderson and Flo Jean
Castleberry. (You'll have to guess who I am.) We began
with the age-old controversial question, “Which is more in-
timate—a blow job ог sex?”

Barbara: For some reason during the last few years, hav-
ing something to do with AIDS and wanting to have safe
sex without sucking on acondom——

Pepper: Who's ever used а condom for a blow job?

Flo: They do in these pornographic books I read. I'm
not kidding. They give head with condoms on. She rolls
the condom down and gives the best blow job. She sucks
that head, whatever.

Gloria: That's ridiculous.

Flo: It's absurd.

Barbara: I'm not saying I've ever done that. I’m just
talking about the issue of safe sex.

Gloria: You would be more inclined to have sex using a
condom than to give head without protection.

Barbara: But beyond the safety thing, 1 actually feel
more comfortable having sex with someone I don't know
well than giving head to someone 1 don't know well.

Flo: I'm just the opposite. I will give head left and right,
but I won't let them fuck me.

Barbara: It would seem like that's the normal thing. But
there's something about it I just don't enjoy.

Gloria: I love it!

Flo: But do you finish?

Gloria: Yes.

Flo: I would never swallow, ever, in my life.

Pepper: Why not?

Flo: Because it makes me sick.

Gloria: Have you ever swallowed?

Flo: I have, and I threw up Taco Bell on his stomach. I'm
not kidding.

Barbara: The big burrito special.

Flo: It was the worst. At least he was my boyfriend.

Gloria: 15 that the only time you've ever swallowed?

Flo: No. I've swallowed in the past, but it just makes me
gag. It's so foul, so disgusting.

Pepper: See, I'm aware of what it tastes like because I'm

a vegetarian. I can taste the meat, their food, their fish.
I'm like, “ОК, this person had chicken." I can taste that. I
swear to God I can.

Barbara: You have to be kidding. You are so crunchy. To
me it all tastes exactly the same, every single guy I've ever
swallowed.

Pepper: Well, you guys are all meat-eaters

Flo: Aren't you grossed out by it?

Barbara: Pretty much, but not enough that I won't do it.

Flo: I don't like a guy going down on me either. Do you?

Barbara: Not that much.

Flo: Do you ever get off from it?

Barbara: No. Like once in my life.

Flo: [Shrieking with joy] Me neither! Like once or some-
thing! I'm so glad! Because all the girls I know are like,
“Oh, I love it, it’s fabulous."

Barbara: They re like, "Yes! Yes! It's the only way!" But
in years of sex and comfortable relationships, long-term
lovers, I have never been able to train a guy to make me
come. The times 1 have come have been totally random,
and I've been fantasizing like nobody's business or grind-
ing myself into them. I especially don't like it early on. I'm
just like [whistles and pretends to be filing her nails].

Flo: I'm the same way. I'm like, “Hurry up and get up
here so we can fuck.”

Barbara: I give them the little tap and beckon. A rap on
the shoulder, then a “come here” with my finger.

Flo: That's what I do, too. I do the leg move to tell them
to come up.

Gloria: And they want to keep going because they're lov-
ing it.

Barbara: And they don't want to deal with the fact that
they're not doing it right and I'm not going to come. It's al-
so an ego thing, you getting them up there. Some little part
of them knows it's because you're not going to come.

Gloria: Do you explain that it just doesn't do it for you,
so they don't take it personally?

Flo: Never, because then they think something's wrong.
Тһе general male population thinks women love head.

Barbara: The only guys I've ever explained it to are the
guys who made me come, which was like two. I said, “Оһ
my God. That was unbelievable. That never happens. You
are indeed a true genius.” But to the others ГЇЇ say, “It's
tough to make me come that way. Don't worry about it."

Flo: It's foreplay for me.

Pepper: I love it—as long as he's clean. I have to feel like
he's brushed his teeth.

Flo: I won't let him go down there if I haven't bathed
like two minutes before.

Pepper: I’m so nervous about

(continued on page 160)

А 5 BROOKE RICHARDS walks toward you in the Playboy Mansion
West gym, extends a hand (it’s warm) and offers that down-to-earth
smile, she is instantly familiar. Featured in several of our newsstand
specials (including Girlfriends and Sexy Girls Next Door) and as our Ju-
ly 1999 cover girl, the 23-year-old South Carolina native is the cen-
ter of attention as this century's last Playmate. And why not? As the
youngest of 14 children, Miss December is unquestionably the pick of
the litter.

Q: Did you realize that you had an unusual family?

A: A big family seemed normal to me because І had nothing to
compare it to. I have five brothers and eight sisters. The oldest was
born 25 years before me, to the month. There are no multiple births,

ELTING BROOKE

miss december
warrns hearts
in frozen alaska

and we have the same parents. Mom was just very ferule, I guess.

О: Was it weird to visit friends with smaller families?

А: It was a lot quieter [laughs].

Q: What did your parents do for a living?

A: My mom stayed home to raise us. My dad, who passed away last.
year, did a little of everything. He drove a truck. He had his own
business. He worked for the county. He was a skilled mechanic.

Q: How did you get attention?

A: As the baby, I got a lot of attention. I'm also the wildest.

Q: Were men attracted to you early?

A: Yeah. 1 developed really young. Even in third grade, guys
would write me notes and give me gifts. They'd build me little things
with their dads' tools and bring them to school, Му mom still has a
wooden heart on a stick, painted red and put ona stand, that I got.

0: What's your taste іп men like today?

А: А heart on a stick is nice [smiles], but I like somebody with goals.
He doesn't have to be successful yet, but he needs that drive. Being
honest and genuine is necessary, too. 1 like attractive men. I'm a
sucker for a tall, dark and handsome man. But Гтп open. I don't
have a list.

Q: What's unacceptable?

"уе met a lot of men who say, "Oh, I'm this and that, and I have
this, and I can do this for you." I don't want anybody to do anything
for me. I want somebody to fall in love with. My biggest turnoff, be-
sides men who cheat, is somebody who has a big ego. It's so unat-
tractive. I prefer someone who's kind of humble, who knows he's
good-looking but doesn't show he knows it. I don't like a prima don-
na. I grew up dirt-poor, and though I didr't like it at the time, look-
ing back, I'm so glad I was raised that way.

Q: Does your family endorse your appearance in PLAYBOY?

А: Some do, some don't. Some are indifferent. In a family this size,
that's typical. It's something I wanted to do. I didn't call everybody
to ask if it was OK. I do my own thing and don't judge them for what
they do. I expect the same treatment.

Q: What makes you feel sexy?

A: Wearing a tank top with no bra, and baggy pants.

Q: How do you like to be kissed?

A: Where or how [laughs]? Just passionately. I like to feel it the
whole way up my body, from my stomach through my chest.

Q: How do you feel about being the final Playmate of the century?

А: Wonderful. It's an honor. Also, of all the months, I wanted to
appear in December because when it's cold and you're naked—well,
there's something very sexy about that.

Q: You have eight sisters. Do they all look like you?

A: You mean, are there more where I come from? Yes.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

Brooke's ideo for her Cen-
terfold was to be а girl next
door who becomes a "glam-
orous, sexy lady.” We sur-
prised her by having the
transformation toke place in
Alasko. "On the plone 1
thought, Oh my God, it's so
beoutifull” soys Brooke.
"Then they wanted to photo-
grcph me standing on a
chunk of glacier—in the wo-
ter!” Brooke grabs herself
und shivers. “It wos too un-
stable. If I hod fallen in, I
would have caught pneumo-
nia for sure.” Most of the pic-
tures were shot in Tolkeetno.
“The lost fime PLAYBOY wos
there wos 1970," Brook re-
calls. "It wos cool. They still
hod the pictures from that
shoot on the wall.”

Miss December hos artistic ambitions for her future—but not the acting
kind. “1 was president of the Notional Art Honor Society in high school

1 enjoy making pottery ond painting scenes on unfinished furniture. My
gool is to open my own store. | know that if somebody comes іп ond says,
‘Hey, that's beautiful. | want to buy it,’ it will make me feel a lot better
than hearing, ‘You know, you ployed о greot bimbo nurse in that film.'^

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

um Vnde ЛЭ РҮ ГИН

zus У AA wars. 629 __ ur: DÍ
оба КО
HEIGHT: 2422272 ные 8 ECELA Be
BIRTH рате: /O-/ 2- 202 BIRTHPLACE: E
2
27

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

А man repeatedly refused his friend's offer of
free tickets to football games, always saying,
“Dundest is playing tonight.”

“Who the hells this Dundesti guy anyway?”
the friend finally asked. "I've never heard
of him.”

“He plays bass in a jazz group at a beer joint
across town.”

nn

“So, when he plays," the guy explained, “I
fuck his wife.”

What do you call an eye doctor from the
y y
Bering Sea? An optical Aleutian.

А guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a
good locking woman and immediately started
looking at his watch. The woman noticed this
and asked him if his date was late, “No,” he
replied, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch
and I was about to test it."

"What does it do?"

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically com-
municate with me."

“What's it telling you now?"

“Itsays you're not wearing panties.”

"Ha! Well, your watch must be broken, be-
cause I am!"

“Hmm,” the guy murmured, “damn thing
must be an hour fast."

What's a lawyer's ideal weight? About three
y gl
pounds, including the urn.

Рилувоу ciassic: Charlie was desperate. Не
had lost his job, the bills were piled up and he
had no money for rent or food. He decided to
end it all. As he stood on a chair with a rope
around his neck, he psyched himself up to
jump: “All I've given my poor wife is 14 kids
and no way of supporting them."

Just then his wife burst in. "Don't do it,
Charlie!" she screamed. "You're hanging ап
innocent man."

When his physician told him he ought to take
up a sport, the executive decided to play ten-
nis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asked.
him how he was doing. " Fine," he said. "When
I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding
towards me, my brain immediately says, "To
the corner! Backhand! То the net! Smash! Go
back

“Really? What happens then?"

“Then my body says, "Who, me? Fuck that!"

This MONTH'S most FREQUENT SUBMISSION: John
told his barber he was in a rut. “I'm tired of
looking like everyone else,” he complained. “I
want a radical change. Part my hair from ear
to ear.”

“Are you sure?” the barber asked.

“Yes, I've given it a lot of thought,” John
replied.

The barber did as he was told and the satis-
fied customer left the shop. Three hours later
the guy returned. “OK, that's enough,” he
id. “Put it back the way it was.”

“Tired of being a nonconformist already?”
the barber asked.

“No,” he answered, "I'm tired of people
whispering into my nose."

Scuttlebutt in D.C. is that Bill Clinton has al-
ready written his presidential memoirs. He's
calling it The Johnson Years.

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less than a year later he was in court filing for
a divorce. “Tell the court why you want а di-
vorce,” the judge said.

“Well, Your Honor,” Dan started, “every
once in a while my sister-in-law would come
over for a visit, and because she and my wife
are identical, sometimes I'd end up making
love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference be-
tween the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the
divorce."

An old guy came home in the middle of the
afternoon to find his young wife standing in
the middle of their apartment in three inches
of water, wearing a red G-string and seven-
inch heels. "What in God's name happened
here?" he bellowed.

"I think the water bed busted," the trem-
bling woman replied. Just then a naked guy
floated by. “Who the hell is that?" demanded
the husband.

“I don't know," she said in wide-eyed inno-
cence. "Must be a lifeguard."

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to Je
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

p

- humbug:

- hey, nice tits . .

"Bah . .

135

PLAYBOY

136

NOW WHAT?

(continued from page 114)
wrapped in paper towels and the
whole carried inside an ordinary wrin-
Мей brown paper lunch bag. It had
seemed like a good idea.

Only now he didn't know. What was
itabout this brooch? Why was its recent
change of possessor all over the Dai-
ly News?

The train trundled and roared and
rattled through the black tunnel be-
neath the city, stopping here and there
at bright-lit white-tile places that could
have been communal showers in state
prisons but were actually where pas-
sengers embarked and detrained, and
eventually one such departing passen-
ger left his Daily News behind him on
the seat. Dortmunder beat a bag lady
to it, crossed one leg over the other
and, ignoring the bag lady's bloodshot
glare, settled down to find out what the
fuss was all about.

300G BROOCH IN DARING HEIST
Lone Cat Burglar Foils Cops,
Top Security

Well, that wasn’t so bad. Dortmun-
der couldn't remember ever having
been called daring before, nor had any-
опе before this ever categorized his
shambling jog and wheezing exertions
as that of a cat burglar.

Anyway, on to the story:

“In town to promote his new hit film,
Mark Time Ш: High Mark, Jer Crumbie
last night had a close encounter with a
rapid-response burglar who left the su-
perstar breathless, reluctantly admir-
ing and out the $300,000 brooch he
had just presented his fiancée, Desiree
Makeup spokesmodel Felicia Tarrant.

“It was like something in the mov-
ies,’ Crumbie told cops. “This guy got
through some really tight security,
grabbed what he wanted and was out
of there before anybody knew what
happened."

“The occasion was a private bash for
the Hollywood-based superstar in his
luxury suite on the 14th floor of Fifth
Avenue's posh Port Dutch hotel, fre-
quent host to Hollywood celebrities.
А private security service screened the
invited guests, both at lobby level
and again outside the suite itself, and
yet the burglar, described as lithe, in
dark clothing, with black gloves and a
black ski mask, somehow infiltrated the
suite and actually managed to wrest
the $300,000 trinket out of Felicia
“Tarrant's hands just moments after Jer
Crumbie had presented it to her to the
applause of his assembled guests.

“Ie all happened so fast,’ Ms. Tar-
rant told police, 'and he was so slick
and professional about it, that I still
can't say exactly how it happened.”

What Dortmunder liked about celeb-
rity events was that thcy tended to snag
everybody's attention. Having seen,
both on television and in the New York
Post, that this movie star was going to
be introducing his latest fiancée to 250
of his closest personal friends, includ-
ing the press, at his suite at the Port
Dutch Hotel, Dortmunder had under-
stood at once that the thing to do dur-
ing the party was to pay a visit to thc
Port Dutch and drop in on every suite
except the one containing the happy
couple.

The Port Dutch was a midtown hotel
for millionaires of all kinds—oil sheiks,
arbitrageurs, rock legends, British roy-
als—and its suites, two per floor facing
Central Park across Fifth Avenue, al-
most always repaid a drop-in visit dur-
ing the dinner hour.

Dortmunder had decided he would
work only on the floors below the 14th,
where the happy couple held sway, so
as not to pass their windows and per-
haps attract unwelcome attention. But
on floor after floor, in suite after suite,
as he crept up the dark fire escape in
his dark clothing, far above the honk-
ing, milling, noisy red-and-white stage
set of the avenue far below, he met on-
ly disappointment. His hard-learned
skills at bypassing Port Dutch locks and
alarms—early lessons had sometimes
included crashing, galumphing flights
up and down fire escapes—had по
chance to come into play.

Some of the suites clearly contained
no paying tenants. Some contained oc-
cupants who obviously meant to occu-
py the suite all evening. (А number of
these occupants' stay-at-home activities
might have been of educational inter-
est to Dortmunder, had he been less
determined to make a profit from the
evening.)

A third category of suites was occu-
pied by pretenders. These were рео-
ple who had gone out for an evening
on the town, leaving behind luggage,
clothing, shopping bags, all visible
from the fire escape windows, provid-
ing clues that their owners were sec-
ond-honeymooners from Akron, Ohio
who would repay an enterprising bur-
glar's attentions with little more than
Donald Duck sweatshirts from 42nd
Street.

Twelve floors without a hit. The not-
quite-honeymoon suite was just ahead.
Dortmunder was not interested in en-
gaging the attention of beefy men in
brown private security guard uni-
forms, but he was also feeling a bit
frustrated. Twelve floors, and not a sou:
no bracelets, no anklets, no necklaces;
no Rolexes, ThinkPads, smuggled cur-
rency; no fur, no silk, no plastic (as in

credit cards).

OK. He would pass the party, silent
and invisible. He would segue from 12
up past 14 without a pause, and then
he would see what 15 and above had to
offer. The hotel had 23 floors; all hope
was not gone.

Up he went. Tiptoe, tiptoe; silent,
silent. Over his right shoulder, had he
cared to look, spread the dark glitter
of Central Park. Straight down, 140
feet beneath his black-sneakered feet,
snaked the slow-moving southbound
traffic of Fifth Avenue, and just up
ahead lurked suite 1501-2-3-4-5.

The window was open.

Oh, now what? Faint party sounds
wafted out like laughing gas. Dort-
munder hesitated but knew he bad to
push on.

Inch by inch he went up the open-
design metal steps, cool in the cool
April evening. The open window, when
he reached it, revealed an illuminated
room with a bland pale ceiling but ap-
parently no occupants; the party noises
came from farther away.

Dortmunder had reached the fire es-
cape landing. On all fours, he started
past the dangerous window when he
heard suddenly approaching voices:

“You're just trying to humiliate me.”
Female, young, twangy, whining.

“АП I'm trying is to teach you Eng-
lish.” Male, gruff, cocky, impatient.

is, as I said, a brooch.”

“A brooch is one of them
things you get at the hotel in Paris. For
breakfast.”

Male: “That, Felicia, sweetheart—
and I love your tits—I promise you, is a
brioche.”

Female: “Brooch!”

Male: “Bri-oche!”

Most of this argument was taking
place just the other side of the open
window. Dortmunder, thinking it un-
wise to move, remained hunkered,
half-turned so his head was just below
the sill while his body was compressed
into a shape like a pickup's spring right
after 12 pieces of Sheetrock have been
loaded aboard.

“You can't humiliate me!”

An arm appeared within that win-
dow space above Dortmunder's head.
The arm was slender, bare, graceful. It
was doing an overarm throw, not very
well; if truth be told, it was throwing
like а girl.

This arm was attempting to throw
the object out through the open win-
dow, and in a way it accomplished its
purpose. The flung object first hit the
bottom of the open window, but then
it deflected down and out and wound
up outside the window,

(continued on page 180)

sports Бу
Gary Cole

INCREDIBLE but depressingly
true—that's the Aleksander
Radojevic story. Alex is a 20-
year-old, 7'3" basketball play-
ег from Yugoslavia who attend-
ed Barton County Community
College in Kansas with the
hopes of transferring to and
playing for Ohio State Univer-
sity this season. You think,
Great—a big kid with solid bas-
ketball skills who wants to go to
college rather than jump to the
МВА before the ink on his high
school diploma dries. Then,
the NCAA rules that Alex can't
Play ball at Ohio State or any
other college because he once
accepted a few dragos for play-
ing glorified pickup games back in Yu-
goslavia. Never mind that he didn't
know (and couldn't know) the NCAA
rules back then.

Lamar Odom isn't allowed to return
for another season of college hoops ei-
ther. He made the mistake of chang-
ing his mind a few times before decid-
ing that he wanted to stay at Rhode
Island. (Odom dedared for the draft
but wasn't allowed to undeclare be-
cause the NCAA ruled he had hired an
agent.) Wait a minute. Didn't former
Rhode Island coach Jim Harrick flip-
flop more than once before he decided
to take the job at Georgia? That's dif-
ferent. Harrick is a grown-up. Lamar is
still a kid. He should know better.

And everyone moans about the kids
not staying in, or sometimes never go-
ing to, college.

"This year even Duke, a school that
had never lost a kid early to the NBA,
heard three underclassmen say, "Show
me the money now." Everyone
agrees it would be better if
these kids, especially those un-
der the age of 20, learned more
about life before taking on the
rigors of professional basket-
ball. But the NBA drafts away
(12 underclassmen in the first

20 picks, with number five pick Jona-
than Bender heading to the Indiana
Pacers from Mississippi's Picayune Me-
morial High School). And the NCAA
says no to Alex Radojevic.

Jim Calhoun, the astute coach who
led UConn to its first national cham-
pionship last season and who is our
Playboy Coach of the Year, puts it suc-
cinctly. “The NCAA is not for the kids.”

For all the problems and frustra-
tions, there are still plenty of talented
teams who will make us forget every-
thing that's wrong with college basket-
ball by the time March Madness 2000
rolls around in a few months. Let's take
alook at the best.

(1) CONNECTICUT

While purists don't acknowledge the
end of the millennium until December
31, 2000, the rest of us will consider
1999 the end of a thousand years. And
we'll consider Connecticut the last na-

UConn beat favored Duke
for the national title last
season. Dare the Huskies
dream of repeating?

tional hoops champion of the
millennium, a crown earned
when the Huskies upset Duke
in one of the best title games
ever. Now the challenge for
coach Jim Calhoun and his
charges is to repeat without
the scoring grace of forward
Richard Hamilton, who has
gone to the NBA, and the de-
fensive skills of Ricky Moore,
who graduated. Playboy All-
America Khalid El-Amin, the
roly-poly guard with the quick
feet and the irrepressible
smile, is ready to do his part.
Big Jake Voskuhl, UConn's
starter in 101 of 104 games
over the past three years, will
again be “our goalie,” as Calhoun re-
fers to him. Kevin Freeman, the third
returning starter from last season,
should increase his 10.4 points-per-
game scoring average. And Calhoun
has other cards to play. Six-eleven se-
тог Souleymane Wane and juniors Al-
bert Mouring and Edmund Saunders
(all solid contributors off the bench last
season) will be back. Calhoun has high
hopes for 611” sophomore Ajou Ajou
Deng and freshmen Doug Wrenn, To-
ny Robertson and Marcus Cox. There
аге few things in sports more daunting
than repeating as college basketball's
national champ, but without any domi-
nant competition, the Huskies could
pull it off.

(2) MICHIGAN STATE

Playboy All-America Mateen Cleaves
guaranteed Michigan State's position
as a national title contender when he
elected to play out his senior season in
East Lansing. The Spartans—
who last season won 33 games,
the Big Ten conference and
tournament titles and made it
all the way to the national semi-
finals before falling to Duke
(68-62) —return everyone ex-
cept forwards Antonio Smith

137

РА

Ман luardo Mateen Scooni
Santangelo Najera Cleaves Penn

сте? LLO а. 2/ cam
> aw.

140

10. СІМСІММАТІ

11. ARIZONA

12. KENTUCKY

13. SYRACUSE
DEPAUL

15. UTAH

16. ILLINOIS

17. UCLA

18. TEXAS

19. ST. JOHN'S

20. TENNESSEE

21. GONZAGA

22. INDIANA

23. OKLAHOMA STATE

24. ARKANSAS

25. OKLAHOMA

26. MARYLAND

27. NEW MEXICO

28. PENNSYLVANIA

29. VALPARAISO

30. UNC-CHARLOTTE

31. GEORGIA TECH

32. TULSA

33. STANFORD

34. WEBER STATE

35. DETROIT MERCY

36. TEXAS CHRISTIAN

37. NC STATE

38. BRADLEY

39. NEW MEXICO STATE

40. MISSOURI

and Jason Klein. Tom 1220, now in his
fifth year as MSU coach, expects se-
niors Morris Peterson and A.J. Gran-
ger to fill those spots. Plus, Duke trans-
fer Mike Chappell and David Thomas
(a redshirt last season) should be signif-
icant contributors.

(3) AUBURN

Auburn's football team is down, but
its basketball team is near the top of the
world. The Tigers dominated the SEC
last season, finishing 14-2 and winning
their first conference title since 1960,
Their 29 overall wins were the most
ever by any Alabama Division I hoop
team. Coach Cliff Ellis loses only one
starter from that squad and adds two
exceptional recruits in Jamison Brew-
er and Marquis Daniels. Of course,
last season's studs will be this season's
shris Porter, guard Doc Robin-
son and seven-foot Mamadou N'diaye.
With a year of tournament experience
under their belts, the Tigers could be
Final Four material.

(4) OHIO STATE

We will never know how good this
year's Ohio State team could have been
1f Aleksander Radojevic had been al-
lowed to play college basketball in the
USA. The NCAA ruled the 773” junior
college player ineligible because, in the
past, he had unwittingly accepted small
amounts of money to play in Yugosla-
via. Radojevic has gone on to the NBA.
Ohio State, under coach Jim O'Brien,
will still be one of the best teams in the
nation, primarily because of the out-
standing guard combination of Playboy
All-America Scoonie Penn and junior
Michael Redd, who led the Buckeyes in
scoring with a 19.5 points-per-game
average. With 611" Ken Johnson being
Ohio State's only big man, expect O'Bri-
en to emphasize a perimeter-oriented
offense.

(5) TEMPLE

Savor the coaching talents, the soul-
ful expressions, the anger—and even
the tenderness—of Temple coach John
Chaney. Whenever he decides to call it
а career, we'll probably not see another
quite like him. Chaney has rolled up
380 victories at Temple, more than 600
in his coaching career, and he's done
itall with integrity and intensity. Last
year's Owls finished 24-11 and made it
to the Elite Eight. This year's squad
may be as good or even better. While
Chaney directs from the bench, point
guard Pepe Sanchez runs the show on
the floor. The points will come from
6'10” Lamont Barnes and 6'5” Mark
Karcher. Look for last year's outstand-
ing sixth man, Quincy Wadley, to push
his scoring average into double figures
this year.

(6) KANSAS

Only the most rabid KU fan failed to
sense that last season would be a strug-
gle for Roy Williams and his perennial-
ly powerful Jayhawks. Losing players
with the quality of Paul Pierce and Raef
LaFrentz would lay any team low. Plus,
coach Williams, for the first time in his
11-year tenure in Lawrence, seemed to
have failed to land a blue-chip recruit-
ing class. And the Jayhawks did strug-
gle, dropping five games in confer-
ence, two to upstart Nebraska. But by
Big 12 tournament time, guard Ryan
Robertson had established himself as
KU's floor general and young center
Eric Chenowith had begun to domi-
nate inside. The Jayhawks finally beat
Nebraska and went on to win their
third consecutive Big 12 tourney title.
Robertson graduated, but Chenowi
a Playboy All-America this year, is
ready for a banner season. Guard Ken-
пу Gregory should have a big year, and
Williams has added Texas transfer
Luke Axtell and McDonald's All-Amer-
ican Nick Collison.

(7) NORTH CAROLINA

Bill Guthridge was coach Dean
Smith’s right-hand man for most of the
Smith-North Carolina glory years. In-
siders say Guthridge was an important
ingredient in Smith's success—recruit-
ing, running practices, studying film
and planning strategy. Nevertheless,
it's difficult to succeed in the shadow of
alegend. Guthridge and the Tar Heels
won 24 games last season with a team
that started two freshmen. Still, the boo
birds came out when Carolina failed to
win the ACC and were upset by Weber
State in the first round of the NCAA
tournament. Guthridge is undeterred
by his detractors. With four starters
returning from last year’s squad plus
a bench brimming with potential, the
boos will likely turn to cheers. Guth-
ridge's best performers will be point
guard Ed Cota and seven-foot center
Brendan Haywood. Sophomore guard
Ronald Curry, who doubles as quarter-
back on Carolina’s football team, could
be another Charlie Ward.

(8) FLORIDA

Gators coach Billy Donovan has tak-
en his team to the NCAA tourney each
of the past two seasons, last year going
all the way to the third round. Now,
he’s ready to get serious. Donovan,
who returns four starters plus three
strong bench players from last year’s
22-win team, has landed the number
one recruiting class іп the nation.
Freshman Brett Nelson was a McDon-
ald’s All-American, as was 68” Donnell
Harvey, who was also named the 1999
Naismith player (continued on page 144)

“Santa’s real cool, Cheetah—he even leaves gifts in the jungle."

ME
UKE

a century after his
birth, duke ellington
still swings. a fellow jazz

great explains why

article By

ГАО АВ

IM

144

«AMl-Amenicas

Our Coach of the Year, JIM CALHOUN, led Connecticut to an
amazing victory over Duke as the Huskies won their first-ever
national championship. But Calhoun is used to winning. In 13
seasons at UConn, his teams have totaled 304 victories, an aver-
age of better than 23 victories a year. The Huskies have won the
Big East regular season title a league-record six times, including
sole possession of the crown in five of the past six seasons. Con-
necticut's postseason record under Calhoun is equally impres-
sive: 31-9 in tournament competition.

KHALID EL-AMIN—Guard, 510”, junior, Connecticut, Third
player іп UConn history to score 1000 points as a sophomore. Ау-
eraged 14.9 points, 4 assists and 1,7 steals over 73 games. He's
а two-time Playboy All-America.

MATEEN CLEAVES—Guard, 6'2", senior, Michigan State. Anoth-
er two-time Playboy All-America, he holds the number two spot
for career assists and is number five in career scoring at Michi-
gan State. He was one of five finalists last year for the John
Wooden Award.

JAMES "SCOONIE" PENN—Guard, 510", senior, Ohio State. Be-
fore transferring to OSU in 1997, he was East Coast Athletic Con-
ference Rookie of the Year at Boston College. Last season, the
media voted him Big Ten Player of the Year. He averaged 16.9
points per game and totaled 154 assists and 70 steals.

MATT SANTANGELO— Guard, 61", senior, Gonzaga. Averaging
14.1 points per game over his three-year college career, he led
his team last season to a West Coast Conference regular season
and conference tourney crown ond then cll the way to the Elite
Eight before the Bulldogs were beaten by eventual champion
Connecticut. He has already surpassed John Stockton's scoring
mark and is on pace to surpass Stockton's record 554 assists.

A.J. GUYTON—Guard, 6'1", senior, Indiana. He has registered
at least 400 points, 100 rebounds and 100 assists in each of his
two seasons at Indiana. The only other Hoosier player to accom-
plish that feat was Isiah Thomas. Guyton is a two-time Playboy
All-America.

QUENTIN RICHARDSON—Forward, 67”, sophomore, DePaul.
Last season's Conference USA Player of the Year, he finished his
freshman season with an average 18.9 points and 10.5 rebounds
per game.

EDUARDO NAJERA—Forward, 6'8*, senior, Oklahoma. His
hard-nosed play made him the mainstay of his Sooner team. He
averaged 15.5 points and 8.3 rebounds per game. Starred on
Mexico’s national team this past summer.

HANNO MOTTOLA—Forward, 6'10", senior, Utah. Started 67
consecutive games for the Utes. Averaged 15.3 points per game
last season while earning first-team all-conference honors. Also
а member of the Finnish national team.

ERIC CHENOWITH—Center, 7”, junior, Kansas. Started all 33
games for the Jayhawks last season and averaged 12.9 points
and 9.1 rebounds per game. He already ranks sixth on KU's all-
time blocked-shots list with 140, 78 of which he recorded last
season.

CHRIS MIHM—Center, 7’, junior, Texas. He recorded 19 double-
doubles last year and is ranked second on Texas’ all-time
blocked-shots list, with 174. He averaged 13.7 points and 11 re-
bounds per game last season.

Basketball

(continued from page 140)
of the year. The best of Donovan's re-
turning starters are senior guard Kenyan
Weaks and sophomore forward Mike
Miller.

(9) DUKE

Being Goliath in college basketball
isn't easy. You win every game in the
ACC regular season and conference
tournament. You stomp through the
competition right up until the champi-
onship game, where you run into a
David who doesn’t know he's supposed
to lose and whose rock is a little bigger
and harder than you were expecting.
And when Goliath falls, the crash is
loud. Inthe aftermath of defeat, things
managed to get worse for coach Mike
Krzyzewski. Elton Brand became the
first player in the school's history to
leave early for the NBA. William Avery
was the second. Corey Maggette, still
more potential than skill, was the third.
And Trajan Langdon graduated. Krzy-
zewski assistant Quin Snyder took a
head coaching job at Missouri. Talk
about turnover. But don't worry about
Goliath. He's got resources. Two pretty
good starters are coming back: Chris
Carrawell and Shane Battier. Nate
James will step up from his bench role,
апа Matt Christensen is ready after a
redshirt year. Krzyzewski has pulled in
some stellar recruits, including Carlos
Boozer, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Nick Hor-
vath and Jason Williams. Perhaps Duke
will get to play giant slayer this year.

(10) CINCINNATI

Bearcats coach Bob Huggins finds a
way to put great basketball teams to-
gether. Some years underclassmen
have jumped to the NBA. This year the
NCAA has saddled Cincinnati with
probation and a loss of scholarships.
Huggins is unfazed. Six-eight Kenyon
Martin, who is probably good enough
to play in the NBA, decided to stick
around for his senior season. Small for-
ward Pete Mickeal should improve on
last year's 14.9 points-per-game aver-
age. And Huggins has added three tal-
ented freshmen (DerMarr Johnson,
Kenny Satterfield and Leonard Stokes)
to complement returning point guard
Steve Logan. Huggins is 108-25 over
the past four seasons. He's not likely to
hurt his winning percentage this year.

(11) ARIZONA

Coach Lute Olson has created a bas-
ketball juggernaut in Tucson that just
keeps winning games and recruiting
talented players. Last year, the Wild-
cats lost the premier guard combo of
Miles Simon and Mike Bibby to the

(continued on page 190)

passes, in the

146

and then on the Road At-

lanıa racetrack. For compari-

son, Honda also brought a Porsche
Boxster, aBMW Z3 and a Mercedes-
Benz SLK roadster to the track.
When we arrived, someone asked
why Honda hadn't included a Mia-
ta; by the time we left, we were ask-
ing why they hadn't brought a Fer-
rari. Many manufacturers introduce

basic Boxster, the 252-hp S
(for “stronger, swifter, supe-
rior"?) boasts a 3.2-liter mid-engine
six with the Carrera's longer crank-
shaft and ventilated disc brakes.
There's also a six-speed gearbox (or
an optional Tiptronic 5 transmission
that allows you to shift manually us-
ing toggle switches on the steering
wheel), firmer springs, stabilizer bars
and suspension pieces and flashy 17-
inch swirl-spoked alloys.

For the safety-conscious, there are
strengthened windshield posts and
side air bags. A new cooling duct (for
an extra radiator), twin tailpipes and
a revised rear badge enable the
sharp-eyed to spot the new model.
An optional hard top (pictured be-
low) transforms the Boxster 5 into a
cozy coupe for winter driving. Tested

Above: A rare photo of Porsche's new Boxster 5 standing still. The optional color-
coordinated hardtop adds obout $2300 to the car's $49,930 price. It's available in
silver, black, red, yellow or white, along with a variety of optionol metallic shades
ond custom hues. The interior (top) has been jozzed up with whot Porsche describes
os o "black soft-effect point finish on the plastic parts.” This includes the instrument
ponel, the center console and the door ponels. Leother seats are optional.

cars at racetracks. The S2000 be-
longed there. The Honda blew the
doors off the competition. More im-
portant, it felt like a race car, and
from somewhere deep inside its rigid
monocoque frame, it filled us with
the thrill of running wild.

"If this frontengine rear-powered

marvel isn't the best-driving car of

the year, it will be interesting to see
whatis.”

KEN GROSS REPORTS:
Three years ago, Porsche's Boxster
roadster was an immediate hit. It was
sheer genius to meld the sleek lines
of a classic Fifties Porsche 550 Spy-
der road racer with a 911-inspired
flat six and an affordable sticker
price (just under $40,000). You'd
have thought there wasn't much they
could do to improve it. But then
Porsche's engineers basically jacked
up the Boxster's sleek shell and slid
most of a new 911 Carrera under-
neath. For about $8500 more than a

on twisty roads overlooking the Adri-
atic in Italy, the wickedly quick new 5
proved itself an adroit handler that
repeatedly dashed to 60 in less than
six seconds. Top speed is an easy-to-
believe 161 mph. The metallic whine
of the torque flat six is hypnotic, es-
pecially when it closes in on its 7200-

m redline. Trust Porsche not to
gild the lily but to reengineer a hot
property that's already proved itself
a future classic.

SHORT RIDES: The follow-
ing are seat-of-the-pants critiques of
wheels I've driven recently.

SUZUKI GRAND VITARA: This mini sport
utility is fun to drive. lts six-cylinder
engine gives it a can-do personali-
ty that comes alive in deep snow or
on the highway. Its wheezy younger
brother, the four-cylinder Vitara JX,
just doesn't have enough oomph.
MITSUBISHI DIAMANTE: Ап unappreci-
ated model in the sport sedan mar-
ket that is fast, luxurious and possibly

the best buy in the low $30,000s.
SUBARU LEGACY GT LTD.: Ап all-wheel-
drive five-speed sedan aching for a
winding road. Go find one.
VOLKSWAGEN JETTA С15 VR6: Loved the
car, hated the automatic door locks,
which clunk like the closing of a cell
door at San Quentin when you reach
about five miles per hour.

BUICK REGAL Ls: А competent V6 se-
dan that's quiet and surprisingly fast.
The dashboard's swoopy ski-slope
styling seemed dated to me but may
appeal to guys who wear black socks
to the beach.

LAND ROVER FREELANDER: Business—
and a lot of pleasure—took me some
months ago to South Africa and Na-
mibia, where I got to spend time be-
hind the wheel of a new three-door
Land Rover Freelander, a baby turbo
diesel that will be on sale Stateside in
2001. (Our version will be a gas-pow-
ered V6 with a five-speed automat-
ic transmission.) Dave Johnson (the
car's owner) and I went off-road and
found the ground clearance not so
high as that on larger Landys—a lim-
itation in the bush but a plus on high-
ways. In other words, don't head balls-
to-the-wall for the horizon, hoping
the vehicle can handle anything in its
path. Another caveat: Quite a few of
the Freelander's functions are соп-
trolled by computer. Johnson has
been in a situation where the саг”
immobilizer would not deactivate be-
cause of a computer malfunction. It
was impossible to override the im-
mobilizer, so the car had to be towed
to where a new computer could be
installed. Imagine if he'd been in
the bowels of Botswana's Okavango
Swamp. Apparently, gone are the
days when a Land Rover could be re-
paired in wondrous ways by bush
mechanics using little more than a
hammer, pliers and fencing wire.

Below: Stevens ond the Freelander toke
o breok on the coast ot De Kelders,
South Africo оНег о doy of off-rooding.
Look for the Freelander Stateside in
2001, priced oround $30,000. Initiolly,
only а V6 five-door model with automot-
ic transmission will be imported.

“Must be a long time ago іп a galaxy far, far away, and
somebody's mojo is working.”

this year's crop of steamers
is muy caliente

Feels like everyone wants to be a
sex star these days. Movie and TV
producers seem intent on hitting us
right below our Deepak Chopra. Ev-
erywhere we turn there are girls in
tight clothes and cold studios, shak-
ing more tail than the NBC peacock.
However, allure is an ephemeral
thing. Beautiful celebrities abound—
but not all have mojo worth stealing.
Sexiness is hard to fake. Whenever a
starlet strikes the obligatory provoc-
ative pose, it's time to wonder, Is she
doing it for lust or for money?

The winsome wild things in Sex
Stars 1999 have one thing in com-
mon: They are all sexy by intent.
They're money and they know it. On
other fronts, brunettes are running
even with blondes, thick curly hair is
edging (text continued on page 242)

1 RICKY MARTIN
In a gadda la vida, baby

2 JENNIFER LOPEZ
Music ahead, acting behind

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
Sexual entrapment

ELIZABETH HURLEY
Veni, Vedi, Versace

SOPHIE MARCEAU Kiss my accent
HUGH GRANT Divine blue eyes
SHANIA TWAIN Country grrl
JULIA ROBERTS Runaway favorite
KERI RUSSELL Felissimo

10 HEATHER KOZAR
Playmate of the Western world

It's a Bond world

Looking good on the back 40

Show us your hyphen
Hair today, gonzo tomorrow
Victoria's secret obsession

The price is right

On a whim and a pair

The star, his wife and their lovers
Size doesn't matter
Double oh-man

Ring barer

== 29

P 2
— 30
27

А Voight for bisexuality

Got her Dandridge up
Millennium man
Tomb bombshell
Diamond import

Westward ho!

Shagwell and shagworthy

The original swinger

Bonecrusher blondie

یر

fi

ITS POSITIVELY
DELICIOUSLY DEMONIC,
DR. BRAINIO / 4-J.SEDELMAIER.
ARTWORK AND COLORING —
2.) .SEDELMAIER PRODUCTIONS
EMT LAYOUT ANDLETTERING=
WE SHALL RELEASE THE
CREATURE AT THE WGA
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HOW TO
HROW A

BY TROY AIKMAN

THE NFL'S TOP QUARTERBACK
SHARES HIS SECRETS ON THE
PERFECT PASS. FOR HIM,
THROWING A TIGHT SPIRAL WITH
ACCURACY REQUIRES TOTAL
BODY MOVEMENT. IT'S A
PRODUCT OF A PAIR OF LEGS,
ONE ARM, A HAND AND FIVE
FINGERS WORKING IN CONCERT.

m THE GRIP

BECAUSE MY HANDS ARE
FAIRLY LARGE, | САМ GET
AWAY WITH USING A SOME-
WHAT UNORTHODOX GRIP.
DNLY MY RING FINGER AND
LITTLE FINGER AT THE LOWER
KNUCKLES COME IN CONTACT WITH

THE LACES. FOR MOST PEOPLE, THE
FINGERS COME IN CONTACT WITH THE LAGES
AT A HIGHER POINT. IT'S ALL A MATTER OF
HAVING THE BALL FEEL COMFORTABLE AND
GETTING THE BEST POSSIBLE GRIP FOR THE

SIZE OF YOUR HAND.

POST-
SCRIPT

The release and
follow-through
are keys to an
accurate pass. One
element of throwing a football thot cannot be
illustrated is the importance of using your legs
and Dip to provide the power that will move
А 5

the ball through the air.

PLAYBOY

City Girls (continued from page 121)

If a guy doesn't offer to give you oral sex, it's like
he's come to your house and won't do the dishes.

them smelling it.

Flo: Sometimes you can't stop a guy
from going down on you even though
you're not fresh and clean. And then
he kisses you and you smell your pee,
your pussy, on his face.

Pepper: The sexiest guy who ever
went down on me smelled like baby
powder. His whole genital area. It was
so clean.

Gloria: You don't like the smell of
sweat? It turns me on so much.

Flo: [70 Gloria] You're kind of earthy.
I can tell.

Gloria: What do you mean? I shave
my pits.

Flo: No, I know that. Still.

Gloria: But there are so many bot
smells during sex. The dick smell and
pussy smell and sweat smell and come
smell.

Pepper: I don't want to smell any-
thing. I want it to feel good and not
smell.

Flo: What happens if you go down to
give him a blow job and you smell that
been-working-all-day kind of smell
between the balls? Do you give him a
blow job?

Gloria: I love that smell!

Flo: I bate that smell! But I go ahead
and do it anyway. I bite my tongue and
Ido it.

Pepper: First of all, I've never been
with a man who has that working-all-
day smell.

Flo: Oh, come on! What is she talk-
ing about?

Pepper: I’m not with construction
workers.

Gloria: It’s not just construction
workers. I love smelling the balls. It’s
kind of dirty, but that’s exactly why it
turns me on.

Pepper: It's not like I'm saying, “I
won't go down on him if he smells.” If
I'm attracted to someone, 1 can get past
the smell because I know in the future
I'll be able to edify him. It took me а
long time to learn to like getting head.
It was difficult at first because the face
is very public and the vagina is very
private. It was like public meets pri-
vate, private meets public. It was very
confusing. There was a real disparity
and J had to reconcile it. Then I got
used to it. [To Barbara and Flo] 1 can
understand why it would make you
uncomfortable.

Barbara: It doesn't make me uncom-
fortable. It just doesn’t hit the right
spot for me.

Pepper: My theory is that you're not
relaxed. If you could relax, you might
not be uptight about it.

Barbara: I can get pretty relaxed,
sweetie.

Gloria: Have you ever had а guy go
down sideways—give you a lip job?
Flo: What do you mean, sideways?

Gloria: [Demonstrates with her fingers a
guy lying perpendicular to the woman,
crouched over her pussy from the side] Y was
the same as you until І met a guy who
did it sideways, so his lips ran parallel
to my pussy and his tongue moved
against the grain of my clit. When the
guy goes perpendicular the friction is
much better. The other way, he’s lifting
the hood and then the Һоо4% going
down and sometimes it’s too intense
and sometimes it's not intense enough.
But this way he's on top of it the whole
time. He's also got a finger in there at
the same time, which is a huge turn-on.

Pepper: Wait a second. That's like a
whole other ball of wax. I don't like
double duty.

Barbara: Me neither.

Flo: Me neither.

Pepper: І like опе or the other.
Tongue or finger. 1 get overwhelmed
when both are down there.

Flo: The rhythm is not right. There's
no way you're going to get the tongue
and the finger working in the same
way. They're competing against each
other.

Gloria: Гт not talking coordination,
just general finger action. The rhythm
is all in the tongue.

Barbara: General finger action I al-
ways get rid of immediately. I yank it
Tight out.

Pepper: 1 didn't understand how
good oral sex could feel until I was
with someone who did it really well.
Now it's so much easier for me to have
oral sex than it is to have intercourse.
With intercourse, I'm being penetrat-
ей and it makes me so much more vul-
nerable. With oral sex it can just be
about the orgasm, whereas with sex I
get much more attached. When some-
one's inside me and they withdraw, I
start to cry and get very emotional.
Oral sex both ways, giving and getting,
is much more detached.

Flo: I have to disagree with that. Giv-
ing head is detached. But I won't let
them give me head until after we've
had sex and they've gotten to know me.
"That's so personal for me. But giving
head—

Gloria: You give it just like that
[snaps fingers].

Flo: I do.

Barbara: I'm just the opposite. I'll
take it whenever, but 1 don't enjoy it.

Flo: You're such a martyr. “I'll take
it—but I won't enjoy it, damn it!”

Barbara: I enjoy that they're doing it
and I enjoy that they're into it.

Flo: I have a problem with a guy who
doesn't want to do it. He should almost
beg to do it.

Pepper: But what if he just doesn't
like it? Then what do you do? I said
lightheartedly to someone once, “So,
how do you feel about oral sex?” As in,
“Hint, hint.” And he responded, “Not

That's really fucked up.

Pepper: How come guys can't have
the option not to feel good about it, but
women can? Why isn't it acceptable the
other way around?

Gloria: Because there's this whole
history of men claiming that going
down is nasty. And I feel like we can't
control the fact that our genitalia are
inside. That we have holes and not
sticks.

Pepper: If you go over to someone's
house and they make you dinner, you
offer to do the dishes. If a guy doesn't
offer to give you oral sex, it’s like he’s
come to your house and won't do the
dishes. You want him to at least be іп-
terested in helping out.

Barbara: I'm with you. I appreciate
the effort.

Pepper: It’s the effort. Most guys
don’t understand that their interest in
it is the thing. “You wash, ГИ dry.”

Gloria: What about getting a finger
up the ass? Do you like that?

Pepper: That is an exit, not an
entrance.

Gloria: I love doggy with a finger in
the ass.

Flo: I love it too. It puts me over
the edge.

Pepper: OK. That, tome, isnot right.

Gloria: And, Flo, I'm not talking
deep, are you?

Flo: No. I'm talking first joint, just
circling the anus range.

Barbara: I like doing that to them.

Flo: Guys love it.

Barbara: When 1 discovered it for
the first time it was like hitting the mag-
ic button.

Flo: They get so hard. It’s because
the prostate is up there.

Pepper: I don't want to give him a
prostate exam.

Gloria: I'm much more willing to
take it than give it. I get grossed out
about sticking it in-

Flo: Doo-doo.

Barbara: For some reason it doesn't
bother me.

(concluded on page 220)

“Susan, how could you? You don't even believe in Santa Claus!”

161

еге one proven method for meeting women:
Lease a 45-foot leisure bus typically used by rock stars on
tour and refurbish it with a photo studio, two changing
rooms and a reception area. Paint it black, then add a sev-
en-and-a-half-foot silver Rabbit Head on each side and the
words PLAYBOY 2000 PLAYMATE SEARCH. Hire an experienced
driver, no-nonsense security and an online reporter. Assign
PLAYBOY photographers to work in each of the 36 cities vis-
ited by the bus and 12 more where hotel suites double as
temporary studios. Install seven phone lines so that test
images of promising candidates can immediately be posted

to the Playboy Cyber Club. Dispatch a publicist to spread
the word in each city before the bus arrives, inviting wom-
en to audition for a chance to become the January 2000
Playmate (the winner, featured in this pictorial, will be re-
vealed next month) and receive a check for $200,000. Erect
an air-conditioned tent along the side of the bus as soon as
the lines become too long to fit everyone on board, which
happens in most cities before nine A.M. Usher each woman
into the changing area, where she can slip into a Playmate
2000 robe before being called into the studio. Log 17,592
miles over five months as (text concluded on page 246)

It’s not every day a PLAYBOY phatagrapher comes to town, camera in hand, with a studio on wheels. Above, Contributing Photog-
ropher David Chan, wha snapped aspiring Playmates aboard the bus during its stops in three cities, shouts Megan McKenney, а
student at the University af Haustan. As with every woman who posed, Megan's phatos were sent by express service to the search
headquarters in Chicago. Opposite page: In Louisville, the bus happened upon 26-year-ald twins Jamie and Julie Jardan. Both

are 58”, 36-25-33 and enjoy horseback riding and sl

g. Julia Seidelin, center, is а California resident. Her parents live іп Copen-

hagen, where Julia was barn. She attended USC and is now a model and TV actor. Laura Han, who turns 22 in December, is cur-
rently enrolled at USC. Climbing aboard in Oklahoma City is Twila Young, far right, who hopes someday to teach elementary
school. We're grateful her family didn't come along to show its support. Her father has 11 siblings, and her mother has 19.

Using both Poloroid and digital cameras, a PLAYBOY photograph-
er shot each woman who visited the search bus. Everything
seems to be in working order in Miomi, left. A local photogroph-
er who had token shots of Katherine Zarria, below, phoned her
when he heord the Ploymate 2000 bus was coming to their
hometown of Austin, Texas. His instincts were right. Kotherine,
20, plans to become a dentist, but she moy have a coreer on-
screen; ot bottom left, she's interviewed by Playboy TV after her
test shots. Joei Horlow con thonk television for her oppearance
ot bottom right. Her stepmother wes watching a story on the lo-
col news obout the bus orriving in Socramento, which is neor
Joei's home. She encouroged Joei to pay us o visit, and, in this
case, stepmother knew best. Joei, 22, had never modeled.

We discovered 21-year-old Somantha Speer, left, іп
Vancouver. She almast chickened out when she ar-
rived at the bus, but a girlfriend goad-naturedly threat-
ened to kick her butt if she didn't pose. Feather Frozier,
above, has siblings named Raven, Dallas and Tur-
quaise. A friend e-mailed the New Yorker abaut the
bus. Texan Shelley Lane, below, sent in her phatos af-
ter spotting an ad in PLAYBOY for the search.

$t

If you con believe it, we monoged to fit
every member of the U.S. Congress on
the bus (left). They voted unonimously
thot it was "neot." Bridget Show, shown
at top right on the opposite page, is a
CPA in the other Woshington. She
walked past the bus on her way home
after a doy of crunching numbers. “I've
olways been impressed with PLAYBOY,”
she soys. Samontha Corder, right, grew

vp in Alobomo. Jessico Jurkowski, op-
posite poge center, is o full-time mom
from Oregon. She mentioned the search
to her best friend, who encouraged her
to pose. More women should have
friends like that. At bottom right, Bill
White shoots Kristino Sanchez in Vegos.

Nicole Lenz, left, grew up neor Clevelond. The 19-year-old loves to
rollerskote at night down long, steep hills, and to make foshion
statements. She certoinly makes one here. An ottentive PLAYBOY em-
Ployee in Los Angeles spotted Amonda Callan, obove, having din-
пегіп o restauront, and encouroged her to submit her photos for the
Playmate 2000 search. A native of Virginia, she's discovered thot
meditation is the key to maintaining balance in her hectic Los Ange-
les life. The bus stopped for Tara Fletcher, right, in Tompo, but she
hails from o smoll town in Minnesoto. Beautiful, eh?

Sara Steele (left), 24, jumped
aboord during the visit to
San Francisco. She hadn’t
planned to pose, but a
friend asked her along.
Suzanne Stokes (bottom),
20, who grew up in the
Everglades, visited the bus
during its three-day stop
in Miami. Her family owns
on olligator form, so she's
learned to stay one step
ahead. Flo Wu (right) was
born in Taiwan. Below,
condidates fill out all that
до paperwork os they
wait to board in Austin.

Casey Ross, left, is а 20-year-old bank teller in Okla-
home City. “1 heard an ad on the radio announcing
the arrival of the Playmate 2000 bus and I thought,
Why not?” Jennifer Corliss, below left, is ап an-
tiques dealer in Georgia. Her great-grandfather,
George Corliss, invented the Corliss steam engine.
Polly Belleville, below, is а 29-year-old kindergarten
and first grade teacher near Los Angeles. Barbara
Adi (above), 25, stole our hearts іп San Francisco.

EM
ІШІ»

What would you do if Jessico Tindall, left, ar-
гімесі ot your door and asked to come іп? You'd
invite her on board, and grob your camero. The
23-year-old visited the Ploymate 2000 bus іп
Sacromento, where she's a business student.
She advises men, “Don't get on my bod side.”
Jill Monos, below left, is a model and actor in
Los Angeles who describes herself as “low
maintenance.” She ottends USC and plans to
become a physical therapist. We kurt oll over.
The bus team discovered gorgeous Kimberly
Burkhead (below), 28, in Atlonta. She used to
own o nightclub in Louisville, but now she's a
photographer's assistant. Kimberly likes men
“who know how to relax, how to play and how
to make love.” Do you qualify? А! right, Aubrie
Lemon, 20, posos aboard the search bus during
its stop in Orlando, Florida. Like an angel, one
of her interests is playing the harp.

Even the magic of the bus couldn't help the Cubs this year. Leanne Burns, 26, left, is a Chico-
go native who says she'd love to become а stuntwoman. She's already thrilling. Everyone
told Carla Alapont, 22, below left, that she belonged in paraov. We're happy to oblige. Born
and raised in Spain, she's now a property manager in California. We met 23-year-olds Dar-
lene and Carol Bernaola, below, in Miami, but they were raised іп Peru, where their moth-
er grew and exported coffee, Carol (on the right) heard from her fiancé that the bus had ar-
rived in town; she casually mentioned to a photo editor she has o twin sister.

ing our stop in Los Vegas, right, everyone came ир а winner, Sonia Flores, 26, above,
hails from Texas. When she heard about the Playmate search, she knew she had to submit
her phatos. Why? She says she's always enjayed “freedom from clothes.” Sonia has been a

lifeguard and, more гесепну, a Hooters waitress. If you choke on your burger, she knows
CPR. Born and raised in Houston, 23-year-old Wendy Rosprim (below) visited the search bus
in her hometown. She loves to camp and fish, and she teoches kids to dance. We discovered
Merritt Cabol, above right, in New Orleans. The 22-year-old, who wants to teach elementary
school, loves men in sults. Guys in Speedos, on the other hand, need not apply. Massage
therapist Katie Lohmann, 19, below right, heard about the Playmate seorch and headed
straight for our offices in Los Angeles to pose. She has taken voice lessons for years, ond
she's turned оп by а guy who can sing her to sleep. Bring your tuning fork.

If you have a chance to peer into the eyes af
computer consultant Katie Hammers, abave
right, you'll see she has gold specks amid
those deep blues. Melissa Keil, below right,
was working at the Las Vegas Hilton when
she heard that the Playmate bus had come
to tawn. She loves reading Stephen King nov-
els and catching up on her beauty sleep. It
shows. At right, production assistant Mikki
Chernaff has her hands full with candidate
Nancy Lesco abaard the bus in Haustan.

The bus drew all sorts of enthu-
siastic reactions as it traveled
from city ta city. The friendly
passenger at left flashed our
driver en route from Austin to
Houston, Does this happen of-
ten down there in Texas? Vi
ginians Amy and Angela Over-
ton, below, decided the Playmate
search was the perfect excuse to
send in their phatos. Amy is an
interior designer; Angela has
plans to become a stenograph-
er. They both enjoy dancing, in-
cluding tap, ballet and jazz.

As happened in every city we visited, а friend asked Jackie Currier, above left, to accom-
ропу her to the bus when И stopped in Sacramento, California. Jackie went, we saw and
here she is. Katia Corriveau, left, 20, figured the bus’ arrival in Toronto was a sign she had
to take a chance. “I’ve wanted to be a Playmate since I got my first bra,” she says. It was
Sasha Peralto's sister who mentioned that the bus was in San Diego. "I've always been fas-
cinated by the women іп PLAYBOY,” says Sasha, below left, 19. Now she's one of them. Jana
Кећаскома, above, also 19, grew up in and lives іп the Czech Republic but happened to Бе
visiting Los Angeles during our search. It could only have been fate. She loves hockey,
spaghetti and exploring her homeland. Jaimie Chiaravalle, below, is а 22-year-old per-
sonal trainer who showed up at the bus almost the minute i! pulled into Las Vegas. Her
тона: “No whiners.” At right, Bill White photographs Angi Pyne during the same stop.

Laura Lee, above, visited the bus in Partiand the
day after she turned 18. She's studying camput-
er science at a nearby university. Miriam Gon-
zales, below, majors in fashian design and the-
ater in Florida. Regina Usvjat, right, wha's alsa
а callege student, came aboard in Bostan.

HINOM - x7/noz 42 >7uuzO

1v3

The millennium search kicked aff in grand style at
the Playbay Mansion in Las Angeles with a party
attended by Playmates. At left, ten Playmates pase
with Hef, including three Playmates of the Year—
сап you name them all? Crystal Beddows (right)
says oll her friends knew she wanted sameday to
pase far PLAYBOY. When an article about the bus
search appeared in the Toronta Sun, she realized
that day had arrived. A former ga-go dancer (her
stage name was Bubbles), the 21-year-ald taday
warks behind the bar. French-speaking Annie
Proulx, 29, stopped by the bus when we visited
Mantreal, while future nurse Sharon Wilsan made
the trip in Miami. College student Ashlee Miller,
22, says hello in Raleigh, North Caralina.

- YONA woxnyD

=>

= 527/240 7453P

178

GULF

Saddam Hussein could spring an attack in the next few years, warns the
ex-UN arms inspector. And this time the war won't be a video game

As a U.S. Marine Corps intelligence officer,
Scott Ritter, now 38, monitored missile buildup in
Russia and missile destruction in the Persian Gulf.
In 1991 he was hired as a weapons inspector for
the UN Special Commission. He resigned seven
years later, charging that U.S. intelligence had tak-
en over a program Ritter had started —to monitor
Saddam Hussein's personal safety and Iraq's con-
cealment of major weapons—and then had denied
Unscom the data collected under their auspices.
More damagingly, Ritter has told PLAYBOY,
1998's Operation Desert Fox, ostensibly designed to
bomb Baghdad into letting UN inspectors back in,
was a botched secret attempt to kill Hussein. Ritter
is the author of Endgame: Solving the Iraq Prob-
lem—Once and for All.

If you want to get an emotional response
from someone, ask what the U.S. should do
about Saddam Hussein and Iraq.

Ав an intelligence analyst who served on
the staff of the U.S. Central Command dur-
ing the Gulf war, I'm pretty sure that unless
we can overcome this emotional response,
we'll have another war with Iraq in three to
five years.

I was recently approached to speak at two
national meetings: one of an American
Islamic group, the other of an American Zi-
onist group. Protests from within each orga-
nization caused the invitations to be with-
drawn. Both groups’ event organizers said
they didn't want their meetings to become
“political.” I took this to mean that neither
group wanted to be presented with facts that
might require them to consider options ош-
side those framed by their respective political
platforms. When it comes to Iraq, a politics of
irrationality reigns supreme

Obviously, the international consensus that
supported economic sanctions against Iraq is
disintegrating. The sanctions are going to be
either formally lifted or informally disregard-

ed. When the sanctions are no longer effec-
tive, Iraq will rearm. But without sufficient
reconstruction, Iraq's devastated economy
won't be able to sustain this military buildup.
Baghdad's inability to service its foreign debt,
which triggered its invasion of Kuwait, will
be repeated. When the debt-service crunch
comes, three to five years from now, Iraq will
once again attempt to seize sources of addi-
tional oil revenue. The U.S. will again be com-
pelled to respond with military action. But
such a future conflict will bear little resem-
blance to Desert Shield or Desert Storm.

In August 1990 Iraq limited its advance to
Kuwait. There was, despite propaganda to
the contrary, no Iraqi intention to move in-
to Saudi Arabia. This shortsightedness on the
part of the Iraqi leadership allowed the U.S.
and its coalition partners to carry out a huge
military buildup in a friendly environment.
The Iraqis simply sat back and watched as
nearly a million allied troops and tens of
thousands of combat vehicles poured into
Saudi Arabia.

Iraq has had plenty of time to learn from
its 1990 error. If Iraqi forces move south in
the future, they will roll through Kuwait into
the eastern province of Saudi Arabia.

Last time around, the U.S. brought in
hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops via
Saudi airfields and ports without any Iraqi
resistance. This time we will have to fight our
way into the Saudi city of Dhahran. We may
even have to land an army at the Red Sea
port of Jidda and move it across Saudi Arabia
to forcibly enter the country's Iragi-occupied
sector.

Making matters worse, the military forces
the U.S. will be able to bring to bear in any
future conflict with Iraq won't resemble the
juggernaut deployed in 1990. Reductions in
defense spending have resulted in significant
cutting of our combat (concluded on page 202)

BY SCOTT RITTER

PLAYBOY

180

NOW WHAT?

(continued from page 136)

In Dortmunder's lap. Jewelry, glit-
tering. What looked like emeralds on
the ends, what looked like diamonds
along the middle.

Any second now somebody was go-
ing to look out that window to see
where this bauble had gone. Dortmun-
der closed his left hand around it and
moved. It was an automatic reaction,
and since he'd already been moving
upward he kept on moving upward,
rounding the turn of the landing,
heaving up the next flight of the fire
escape, breathing like a city bus, while
behind him the shouting began:

Male: “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”

Female: “Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, по!

Up and over the hotel roof and into
the apartment building next door and
down the freight elevator and out onto
the side street, a route long known to
Dortmunder. When he at last ambled
around the corner onto Fifih, merely
another late-shift worker going home,
the police cars were just arriving in
front ofthe hotel.

Newspapers tell lies, Dortmunder
thought. He read on, to find a descrip-
tion of the thing in his ham sandwich.
The things that looked like emeralds
were emeralds, and the things that
looked like diamonds were diamonds,
that was why the fuss. Altogether, the
trinket the bride-perhaps-to-be had
flung ricocheting out the window last
night was valued, in the newspapers, at
least, at $300,000.

On the other hand, newspapers lie.
So it would be up to Harmov Krandel-
loc, said to be ап ethnic so different
from anybody else that no one had yet
figured out even what continent he
came from, but who had recently set
himself up in a warehouse off Atlan-
tic Avenue where it crossed Flatbush
as King of the next generation of real-
ly worthwhile fences, who paid great
dollar (sometimes even more than the
usual ten percent of value) and nev-
er asked too many questions. It would
be up to Harmov Krandelloc to de-
termine what the thing in the ham
sandwich was actually worth, and what
Dortmunder could hope to realize
from it.

But now, on the BMT into deepest
Brooklyn, surrounded by newspaper
Photos of his swag, realizing that the
celebrity of its former owners made
this particular green-and-white object
more valuable but also more newsworthy
(a word the sensible burglar does his
best to avoid), Dortmunder hunched
with increasing despondency over his
borrowed paper, clutched his brown

bag in his left hand with increasing
trepidation and wished fervently he'd
waited a week before trying to unload
this bauble.

More than a week. Maybe six years
would have been right.

Roizak Street would be Dortmun-
der's stop. While keeping one eye on
his News and one eye on his lunch,
Dortmunder also kept an eye on the
subway map, following the train's
creeping progress from one foreign
neighborhood to another; street names
without resonance or meaning, sepa-
rated by the black tunnels.

Vedloukam Boulevard; the train
slowed and stopped. Roizak Street was
next. The doors opened and closed.
The train started, roaring into the tun-
nel. Two minutes went by, and the train
slowed. Dortmunder rose, peered out
the car windows and saw only black.
Where was the station?

The train braked steeply, forcing
Dortmunder to sit again. Metal wheels
could be heard screaming along the
metal rails. With one final lurch, the
train stopped.

No station. Now what? Some hold-
up, when all he wanted to do

The lights went out. Pitch-black dark-
ness. А voice called, “1 smell smoke.”
The voice was oddly calm.

The next 27 voices were anything
but calm. Dortmunder, too, smelled
smoke, and he felt people surging this
way and that, bumping into him, bump-
ing into one another, crying out. He
scrunched close on his seat. He'd given
up the News, but he held on grimly to
his ham sandwich.

"ATTENTION. PLEASE."

It was an announcement, over the
public address system.

Some people kept shouting. Oth-
er people shouted for the first people
to stop shouting so they could hear
the announcement. Nobody heard the.
announcement.

The car became still, but too late.
The announcement was over. “What
did he say?” a voice asked.

"I thought it was a she,” another
voice said.

“It was definitely a he,” a third voice
ршіп.

“I see lights coming," said a fourth
voice.

“Where? Who? What?” cried a lot of
voices.

“Along the track. Flashlights.”

“Which side? What way?”

“Left”

“Right.”

“Behind us.”

“That's not flashlights, that's fire!"

“What! What! What!”

“Not behind us, buddy, in front of
us! Flashlights.”

“Where?”

“They're gone now.”

“What time is it?”

“Time! Who gives a damn what time
itis?”

“I do, knucklehead.”

“Who's a knucklehead? Where are
you, wise guy?”

“Hey! I didn't do anything!”

Dortmunder hunkered down. If the
car didn't burn up first, there was go-
ing to be a first-class barroom brawl in
here pretty soon.

Someone sat on Dortmunder. “Oof,”
he said.

It was a woman. Squirming around,
she yelled, “Get your hands off me!”

“Madam,” Dortmunder said, "you're
sitting on-my lunch."

“Don't you talk dirty to me!" the
woman yelled, and gave him an elbow
in the eye. But at least she got off his
lap—and lunch—and went away into
the heaving throng.

The саг was rocking back and forth
now; could it possibly tip over?

“Тһе fire's getting closer!"

“Here come the flashlights again!"

Even Dortmunder could see them
this time, outside the window, flash-
lights shining blurrily through a thick
fog, like the fog in a Sherlock Holmes
movie. Then someone carrying a flash-
light opened one of the car's doors,
and the fog came into the car, but it
wasn't fog, it was thick oily smoke. It
burned Dortmunder's eyes, made him
cough and covered his skin with really
bad sunblock.

People clambered up into the car. In
the flashlight beams bouncing around,
Dortmunder saw all the coughing,
wheezing. panicky passengers and saw
that the people with the flashlights
were uniformed cops.

Oh, good. Cops.

The cops yelled for everybody to
shut up, and after a while everybody
shut up, and one of the cops said,
"We're gonna walk you through the
train to the front car. We got steps off
the train there, and then we're gonna
walk to the station. It's only a couple
blocks, and the thing to remember is,
stay амау from the third rail."

А voice called, "Which is the third
тай?”

“АП of them," the cop told him. “Just
stay away from rails. OK, let's go before
the fire gets here. Not that way, whad-
dya looking for, a barbecue? That way.”

They all trooped through the dark
smoky train, coughing and stumbling,
bumping into one another, snarling,
using their elbows, giving New York-
ers' reputations no boost whatsoever,
and eventually they reached the front
car, where more cops—more cops—
were helping everybody down a tempo-
rary metal staircase to the ground. Of

(continued on page 224)

LeRoy NEIMAN RINGSIDE

EVANDER HOLYFIELD vs. LENNOX LEWIS FOR THE UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
12 ROUNDS AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, MARCH 13, 1999

stablishing their individu-

ality, both champions en-

tered the ring supported
by their identifying music—
Lennox moving to the rhythm
ofreggae and Еуапдег singing
to gospel. Lewis, with no robe,
backed by the Union Jack in his
corner, and Holyfield praising
the Lord with his disciples in
his corner. Both in unmatched
physical preparedness, each
hoping to have an edge on the
other. At the bell there was little
to choose from—that is, until
Lennox starts tossing those ac-
curate left jabs and repeated
overhand rights.

Atthe end of 12 rounds,

while waiting for the judges to
add up their scorecards and
render their decision, Evander
bends his head, exhausted,
while Lennox stands in the
background convinced, along
with the majority of the crowd,
that he is the winner. The great
house gathering of 20,000
quiets at the inexplicable ver-
dict—a draw—nobody failed,
nobody won.

181

Gina Gershon

Р АДАҮБӨҮ$

the showgirls survivor on lap dances and cigars
and how she got those snarling lips

few years ago, Gina Gershon played

two different, aggressively sensual
lesbians—first in the universally scorned
Showgirls, then in the critically acclaimed
Bound. It set her up for every actor’s night-
‘mare—typecasting.

But Gershon shifted gears and reinvent-
ed herself in the hit Face/Off, opposite John
Travolta and Nicolas Cage; in Palmetto, co-
starring Woody Harrelson; and now in Mi-
chael Mann’s The Insider, with Al Pacino.
She also appears on network television, play-
ing a private investigator in David Kelley's
Snoops for ABC.

Gershon was a troubled teenager growing
up in Los Angeles when her parents per-
suaded her to attend Beverly Hills High
School, where she immersed herself in drama
classes. Upon graduation, she moved to New
York and earned a bachelor of arts degree
from New York University.

She studied acting with such prominent
teachers as David Mamet and Sandra Sea-
cat and appeared onstage in The Substance
of Fire, Camille and Nanawatai. Gershon
also became a founding member of the New
York City-based theater company Naked
Angels.

Robert Crane caught up with the clos-
et comedian in Los Angeles. He reports:
“Although Gershon doesn't do many іп-
terviews, it's not because she's slow with
а remark. She's wonderfully funny. The ex-
otically beautiful actress doesn’t take the
celebrity side of her career seriously, but
when the mention of work comes up, she ad-
justs her hat and becomes the intense, stud-
ied actor. Either way, I couldn't keep ту eyes
off her.”

1

PLAYBOY: We've noticed you love cigars
When isa cigar justa cigar?

GERSHON: When it. I did the cover
of Cigar Aficionado, so I'm supposed to
talk about loving cigars. Гуе smoked
them a couple of times. My father used
to smoke cigars. I love the idea and the
concept, and I love the smell of cigars.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ROBERT TRACHTENBERG

2

PLAYBOY: Do you bite off the ends or do
you use a cigar bris?

GERSHON: I have a mohel come over with
a special clipper. I hold down the cigar
and he clips it, and everyone cries.

3

PLAYBOY: Tell us, to what extent is size
important?
GERSHON: Size counts. That's all

4

PLAYBOY: Explain the enduring allure
of Jennifer Tilly.

GERSHON: She's so damn girlie. It's her
voice and her mannerisms. She's just
fun to watch. I always find people who
arc unique very attractive. And I think
she's really a character. She is who she
is. In fact, she takes who she is to the
next level, which I think is great.

5

PLAYBOY: If she were a cocktail, how
would you make a Jennifer Tilly?
GERSHON: She’d be like a cosmopolitan
but with rum; something kind of fruity
and intoxicating. You don't quite know
how drunk you are until all of a sudden
you're on the floor.

6

PLAYBOY: What were the best things to
come out of Shougirls?

GERSHON: Love and adoration from
drag queens. Drag queens come up to
me on the street and can show me the
dance moves. RuPaul knew my lipstick
color. I was flattered.

7

PLAYBOY: Do you recommend that wom-
en give their boyfriends or husbands
lap dances as presents?

GERSHON: Sure, on a regular basis. It
doesn't have to be a present, though it

makes a пісе gift. It's a fun way to exer-
cise and loosen up at the end of the
day. It's the gift that goes on giving.

8

PLAYBOY: On Snoops you play a private
investigator. Have you ever been inves-
tigated privately?

GERSHON: Not that І know of. The
whole point is that you don't know.

9

PLAYBOY: Is И ап honorable profession?
GERSHON: Sure. But in any profession,
there's a sleazy side and an honorable
side. I'm an honorable investigator. Г
make too much money for sleaze work.
It's the type of operation that's 20
grand just to walk in the door. I don't.
think many sleazy people have that
much money, or it must be really good
sleaze if they do.

10

PLAYBOY: Is it a good idea to investi-
gate the people you're emotionally in-
volved with?

GERSHON: No. If you don't trust the
person, there's a problem.

11

PLAYBOY: In one article you mentioned
you'd like to frolic with friends in a
Jacuzzi full of noodles. We can set that
up. if you like.

GERSHON: That was a high school fanta-
sy of mine. I had this dream of moving
to New York and having a loft with a
Jacuzzi in the middle of it. I would
have parties where I would fill the
Jacuzzi with noodles, people would sit
in there and then put their bodies in-
to paint— primary colors like really se-
rious deep, deep blue and really pure
red—and paint these huge murals.
The noodles would kind of loosen ev-
eryone up to be free on the canvas. I

thought that (concluded on page 188)

183

TIRED OF BLOWING AWAY the same old demons and festering zombies? "Тік
the season when software developers release their greatest video games. You'll
find plenty of sequels in the mix—most notably Quake III: Arena, Resident
Evil 3: Nemesis and Wipeout 3. But if you're looking for a fresh digital rush,
let this feature be your guide. In addition to picking the best original titles for
cach of the current platforms (PC, Playstation, Nintendo 64 and Sega's new
Dreamcast), we asked CART racers Paul Tracy and Dario Franchitti of Team
Kool Green to test the latest auto racing games. They name the champs and
the chumps—and share slick tips for leaving challengers in the dust. Bored
playing solo? The web can hook you up for a threesome, fivesome or even with
a crowd for multiplayer game action. We point your browsers to the hot spots.
We also rank the latest video gear to go (great for killing travel time) and pro-
vide a heads-up on next-generation video game systems.

GAMES TO 60

For more than ten
years, the Nintendo
Game Boy has been
the best portable
boredom-buster.
But new handheld
game machines are
giving it fierce com-
petition. Here, we
rank the finest of
the game gear to
go. The Champ: With more than 500 titles, including

THE WILD, WILD WEB

Going one оп one with zard's real-time strat-
your computer can get egy games, including
boring fast, which is Diablo, Starcraft and
why online gaming has Warcraft.
bi big di

ecome а big draw оп ere СОМ

the Internet. The fees к ки
range from zilch to Со goofball in online

about $7 per month. rounds of You Don't

Here are some prime Know Jack, the Net
spots to hit. Show, Acrophobia (an

acronym-based brain-

Resident Evil, Duke Nukem and a rocking version of SEGA HEAT ee
Pokémon Pinball, the $80 Game Boy Сојог has a solid (zac Mis ін e Carte

edge. And with the Game Boy Camera and Nintendo 64 hole: sha

Transfer Pack, you can use your portable game machine gaming. You can test ULTIMA ONLINE

to drop real faces into specially designed N64 games, in- your weapons in top — (0Wo.com): Leave your
cluding NBA Live 2000 and the forthcoming Perfect Shoot-em-ups such as Physical identity at the
Dark. The Contenders: SNK's new Neo Geo Pocket Quake II and Kingpin, Portal and go deeper
Color ($70, pictured) may steal some Game Boy busi- ог go the strategy route into medieval fantasy
ness with its vibrant graphics and slick design. But with in Command & Con- than Dungeons and
a mere 20 games, it has some catching up to do. The quer: Red Alert апа Dragons ever dared.
best: Pac-Man, Sonic the Hedgehog, Bust a Move and Acta Warning: It's addictive.
Samurai Shodown 2. Honorable Mention: At less than

half the price of the Game Boy Color, Tiger Electronics" MSN GAMING ZONE POGOCOM
black-and-white game.com.pocketpro doubles as a low- (zone.com): Microsoft's (P0go.com): Formerly
end PDA by cramming a phone book, calendar and op- web hub covers all the the Total Entertain-
tional e-mail access into its colorful casings. Games in- gaming bases—action, ment Network, this re-
clude WCW Whiplash, Madden Football and a version adventure, arcade, puz- Vamped site has gone
of the strategy blockbuster Command & Conquer. Also zles, sports and simula- Cerebral. When we
cool (and cheap) from Tiger are the one-trick pony tions galore. logged on, there were
Sports Feel portables. Shaped like golf clubs, fishing more than 8000 people
rods, bowling balls and tennis rackets, these handhelds BATTLE NET playing backgammon,
require you to fake a swing, cast, throw or serve, as ifthe (battle.net): Brainiacs chess, checkers, card
gear were the real deal. The price: $20 to $25 each. head here to play Bliz- games and more.

Кг

BURNING RUBBER

Paul Tracy and Dario Franchitti of Team
Kool Green rate the hottest racing sims

Video games are as close as most of us will get to liv-
ing out that racing fantasy—which is why there are
dozens to choose from. To narrow the field, we went
to the experts: CART drivers Dario Franchitti and
Paul Tracy of Team Kool Green. Neither of these ace
racers endorses any of the games selected. They're
just a couple of pros who appreciate speed—real ог
fake—and agreed to head our video game test drive.
Along with their insights, we offer a few tips for leav-
ing your competition in the dust.

THE БАМЕ Beetle Adventure Racing (Flectronic Arts,
for Nintendo 64)

THE BIST Race Volkswagen Beetles through six long
tracks in imaginary locales. Stick to the courses or
barrel through unexplored territory in search of
shortcuts through bushes, walls or windows.
REALISM Entertaining despite poor handling of the
cars. But what do you expect when you take a Beetle
off-roading?

KOOL ТІР Have fun. Bang doors. Floor your Bug.
RATING FF | B

THE GAME CART Flag to Flag (Sega, for Dreamcast)
THE GIST Make like Mario Andretti, or one of 26 oth-
er CART drivers (Dario and Paul not included), on
19 beautifully rendered super-speed ovals, road and
street courses.

REALISM Looks great, but the play is disappointing.
Cornering and steering were way off track. The cars
seem weighted at the center, causing them to spin
out of control.

KOOL ТІР Take it easy. The best way to compensate
for this game's shortcomings is to steer smoothly and
brake and accelerate gently.

RATING FF 2

THE GAME Grand Prix Legends (Sierra, for the РС)
THE БІ5Т Race amazing re-creations of five cars from
the 1967 racing circuit, including the Ferrari 312
and Brabham BT-24. Watkins Glen and Monaco are
among the 11 true-to-form courses.

REALISM Sierra nailed this one. Each car handles dif-
ferently, but you can tweak your ride by adjusting
the steering linearity, cambers and tire pressure.
KOOL TIP This game is tough. Adding down-force
and softening the tires will help keep your car on
course. А steering wheel controller such as the Inter-
act V4 Force Feedback Racing Wheel (pictured at
right) makes the game easier. Definitely take the Lo-
tus-Ford 49 and Eagle Weslake for a spin

EE -

THE GAME Gran Turismo 2 (Sony, for Playstation)
THE GIST GEstyle racing game with 20 courses and
hundreds of authentic cars, from the Honda Civic
hatchback to the Mazda RX-7.

REALISM The best racing game, bar none. The cars
and tracks are dead-on accurate. You can fine-tune
your vehicles to the extreme. And there's a bonus
Each time you complete a course, you can unlock
hidden vehicles.

| AE E

|

KOOL TIP Go for maximum down-force and horse-
power. Also, "draft" other drivers by riding their
bumper until the final straightaway. This adds five to
six miles per hour to your car and lets you blow past
them to the finish line.

RATING РН:

THE GAME Need for Speed: High Stakes (EA, for the
Playstation and PC)

THE GIST This bad-boy racer is a winner-takes-all
(and loser walks) showdown to own your opponent's
wheels—or evade the fuzz in Hot Pursuit mode,
REALISM Great graphics can't disguise the poor han-
dling of these hot rods.

KOOL TRICK This dead end becomes interesting
when you play policeman and work to trap abusers
of the open road.

THE GAME Rollcage (Psygnosis, for Playstation)

THE BIST You can go off road and across the walls
and tunnel ceilings of 20 spiraling tracks іп this fu-
turistic racer. With an arsenal of incredible weapon-
ту, you can also annihilate anyone foolish enough to
get in your way.

REALISM Good concept—and the guns may come in
handy—but it’s pure fantasy.

KOOL ТІР Focus on the course rather than on de-
stroying your opponents and you'll quickly take the
lead. But first pop some Dramamine. The game's

Paul Tracy and Dario Franchitti take a game break.

THE GAME Viper Racing (Sierra, for the PC)

THE GIST By flooring Dodge's Viper GTS, and win-
ning races on eight courses, you earn a spot behind
the wheel of the 700-horsepower Viper GTS-R.
REALISM The cars handle well—almost too well.
Making changes to the tires, wheels, suspension, etc.,
has little effect. But the courses are a kick, especially
Castle Green and Rock Island.

KOOL TIP Steady steering and even acceleration do

more than a lead foot to put you ahead of the pack.
RATING ЕР

aan 185

PLAYBOYS

PLAYSTATION

1. WWF ATTITUDE НИ the mat
as one of 40WWF contend-
ers, each with signature
moves and backup weap-
ons (such as shovels and

a bedpan).

r“ Wis

2. THRASHER SKATE AND DE-
STROY This sport sim takes
boarding back to the
streets with the moves of
Cairo Foster and other pro
skaters.

^& JU

3. NBA LIVE 2000 The new
import-a-face feature in
this hoops classic pits
you against 60 МВА leg-
ends in one-on-one street
court matches.

Y д

4. DINO CRISIS Government
agent Regina, a tasty, tough
chick, takes on an evil pro-
fessor and his band of
beasts. Use а dual-shock
controller to feel the pain.

п е еә

5. РАС-МАМ WORLD 20TH AN-
NIVERSARY Six 3D worlds
and three levels send Рас-
Man and pals straight out

ofnostalgialand and into
the 21st century.

ә

| SEE

explosions 2" | soundtrack action

Б
[ЇЇ weapons & „у killer
1

gore

© multiplayer

гоје-
playing

E em

N sports fix W strategy Ф babes жо

DREAMCAST

i 1, SOUL CALIBUR This styl-
ized fighting game with a
istorical bent has remark-

bly fluid animation, wicked
weapons and warriors from
Il walks of warfare.

к” А

2. SEGA BASS FISHING Laugh
all you want, but when used
¦ with the fishing controller,
this game feels like the real
1 deal—with your fridge
¦ close by.

Y 25

| 3. READY 2 RUMBLE BOXING
Choose among 16 boxers,
ach with his own fighting
tyle. If your pick sucks in
'he ring, work him in the
ym for extra points.

WA

4. NFL 2K This is one seri-
| ous gridiron game, with
1500 motion-captured
moves from seven pro play-
rs, Hollywood stuntmen
nd a lone referee.

B

| 5. SHENMUE Hundreds of
haracters and thousands
f spectacular environ-
ments make this samurai-
kung-fu adventure a cool
ime waster.

ret ет

NINTENDO 64

1. GAUNTLET LEGENDS Mid-
‚ мау'ѕ arcade hit goes from

flat to fantastic with the
medieval wizard, archer,
warrior and token chick
rendered in amazing 3D.

rias ә

2. KNOCKOUT KINGS 2000 Put
on the gloves of 25 champi-
on prizefighters and enjoy
virtual boxing so realistic

‚ you can almost feel the bro- |
¦ ken bones.

Aw

< 3. DAIKATANA Travel from

the Dark Ages to a futuris-

‚ tic San Francisco on the
trail ofa mad scientist

who's changed history. Your
task 15 to set it straight.

т 5 св e

4. ARMORINES Using high-
powered weapons and a
parasite-proof suit, you and
your troops are out to stop
toxic alien bugs that plan to
snack on your leader.

r\&

5. DKG4 The new Donkey
Kong in blazing 3D adds
Weapons and state-of-the-
art special effects while
staying true to that old-
school arcade feel.

res

GAME SYSTEMS:

PLAYSTATION 2

SEGA DREAMLAST

РС

1. DRAKAN A fantasy adven-

ture with all the right ingre-

1 dients: sexy girl in skimpy

medieval outfit, big sword
and a fire-breathing (rid-
able) dragon.

. r“ д в =

| 2. 0№ A role-playing game
| that skips all that find-the-
¦ key-and-solve-the-puzzle

; nonsense and gets straight

to the blowing-away part.
Great Japanese animation.

| фев

1 3, MICROSOFT FLIGHT SIMULA-
. TOR 2000 This sequel

| seems all new with 17,000
· extra airports and cities, in-
| cluding London, San Fran-

cisco and Chicago.

%

4, HOMEWORLD With DNA
tampering, revolutionaries
and aliens with unpro-
nounceable names, this

¦ outer-space game is а

brain workout.

as 1

5. VAMPIRE-THE MASQUER-

{ ADE REDEMPTION Journey
through time as Romuald,

a conflicted bloodsucker
who tries to come to grips

| with his unlifo.

Қал em

NINTENDO DOLPHIN

“Oh, by the way—Merry Christmas!”

BOY

PLAY

188

Gina Gershon

(continued from page 183)
would be a really fun party. Unfortu-
nately, I never got around to doing it. It
reminds me of a Magritte painting, but
it would be live-action. You could even
make a video of people doing it. It's
probably a lot more interesting to imag-
ine, though.

12

PLAYBOY: Do you like to cook or just eat?
GERSHON: Both. I like to eat so much I'm.
actually a pretty good cook. But I cook
mainly breakfast. At night 1 never get
around to it, though Га like to. I make
excellent eggs in the morning.

13

PLAYBOY: Sexually speaking, can too
many cooks spoil the sauce?

GERSHON: That depends what kind of
sauce it is.

14

PLAYBOY: Describe how sexy food is.

GERSHON: It's oral. It's tasty. There аге
different textures to it. It’s satisfying. I
don't trust people who don't eat. And I

would bet that if you don't love food ог
enjoy eating, you probably don't enjoy
sex that much. I think there's a corre-
lation, because it's just so sensual and
primal. Eating, sleeping, fucking—those
are primary needs. If you don't enjoy
eating, there's a primal instinct that is
being repressed, and I think it affects
everything.

15

PLAYBOY: Is food sexier when you make it
or order it?

GERSHON: Probably when you make it.
It's good to get your hands dirty. Any-
thing dirty is kind of sexy. I like the idea
of starting off clean and then getting
really dirty. There's something primal
about that too, because there’s an unin-
hibitedness that goes with it. It’s like
when you're a kid and you play foot-
ball—you dor’t care how muddy you get
because you're so involved in the mo-
ment. You just enjoy what you're doing.
I think it's the same with sex and with
cooking food.

16

PLAYBOY: You've described yourself as a
roller coaster. Tell us about the ride. Do

Eskimo insults

your boyfriends find it exhilarating or
do they hurl?

GERSHON: Oh God, a nauseating ride.
Just kidding. My favorite part of a roller-
coaster ride is when you're going up and
you're slightly scared and really excit-
ed. You don't know what's coming next
but you know it's going to be good. My
boyfriends find it terrifying and exhila-
rating. If they can’t hang on, they get off
the ride. You can't handle it, go on the
carousel.

17

PLAYBOY: Those snarling lips. Natural or
acquired?

GERSHON: They must be natural, because
I'm not aware of when I do it. Sometimes
ГИ watch a film and I'm like, Oh my God,
1 had no idea I was doing that crooked
thing. I was obsessed with Elvis Presley
when I was little. Maybe it’s unconscious
Elvis, wishing to be Elvis. I have no idea.
Maybe it comes from watching my dog.
Even when he growls he looks so cool.

18

PLAYBOY: Your family consists mainly of
musicians. Which instrument best de-
scribes you? Do you finger it or blow in-
to it?

GERSHON: Probably both. 1 like blowing
instruments and fingering them. Actual-
ly, I love playing the Jew's harp, which
you do both to. There аге a lot of musi-
cians in my family—composers, musi-
cians, managers.

19

PLAYBOY: Your character in Bound was
appealing for many reasons. Do you ac-
tually know how to fix plumbing?
GERSHON: Not at all. My mother told me
she thought I was a very good actress be-
cause she believed the plumbing part.
I'm clueless about plumbing. 1 can bare-
ly plug a light into a wall. I'm not proud
of this, but I can pick locks now. I'm bet-
ter at that stuff.

20

PLAYBOY: You have described yourself as
chameleon-like. If we put you on your
back and rub your stomach, will you fall
asleep?

GERSHON: Depends on who's doing the
rubbing. I think I said that in response
to a specific question. Someone proba-
bly said to me, "You're very chameleon-
like." It's one of those things that gets
turned around and makes you sound
like an asshole. I think I was probably
talking about my eyes, because I blink
like a lizard—I don't close my eyes all the
way. The doctor once said, “That's very
chameleon-like—very lizard-like.” I blink
like a lizard. Does that make me cold-
blooded or just dry-eyed?

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189

PLAYBOY

Dashketball

(continued from page 144)
NBA, yet still won 22 games and show-
cased the talents of Jason Terry, the na-
tional player of the year in many media
circles. Now Terry and A.J. Bramlett
have left for the NBA. Result: The Wild-
cats are better than they were last sea-
son. Sophomores Michael Wright, Rich-
ard Jefferson and Ruben Douglas are
ready to step forward as bona fide stars,
plus Olson will add 7711” Wake Forest
transfer Loren Woods. And there's more
talent in the wings in such players as ju-
co transfer Lamont Frazier and fresh-
man Jason Gardner. Olson will vin his
600th game this season.

(12) KENTUCKY

The Wildcats got two good pieces of
news in the off-scason. Tubby Smith, who
was rumored to be on his way to another
coaching job, is still in Lexington. And
Јатаа! Magloire, after initially declaring

early for the NBA draft, returned to
college, a change-of-heart allowed by
the NCAA because Magloire had not
hired an agent. Still, Kentucky will have
some obstacles to overcome—namely,
the loss of team leader Wayne Turner
апа dead-eye shooter Scott Padgett—if
the Wildcats are to be the stuff that top-
ten teams are made of. Talented fresh-
men Keith Bogans and Marvin Stone
will get the opportunity to contribute
early.

(13) SYRACUSE

The Orangemen met or surpassed the
20-win mark last season (21-12) for the
21st time in the 23-year tenure of head
coach Jim Boeheim. With all five starters
returning, Syracuse is almost certain to
accomplish the feat again. Boeheim’s
best player is 69” center Etan Thomas,
who will become the school's all-time
leading shot blocker this year. Thomas
will get strong support from guard Jason
Hart, who holds the school record for
steals (270), and Ryan Blackwell, who

will reach 1000 points before the end of
the year.

(14) DEPAUL

Pat Kennedy knew exactly what to do
to revive a moribund basketball pro-
gram at DePaul when he took over two
years ago: mine the basketball talent of
the Chicago Public League high schools.
Last year the Blue Demons started Bob-

Cole'a Al-
Nickname Team

Harold “The Show” Arceneaux
Weber State

Jumes “Scoonie” Penn
Ohio State

Raymond “Peanut” Arrington
Radford

Marvis “Bootsy” Thornton
St. John's

Brad “Big Continent” Millard
St. Mary's

by Simmons, Lance Williams and Quen-
tin Richardson, all from Chicago's inner
city. Playboy All-America Richardson re-
sisted the inclination to turn pro after
being named Conference USA Player of
the Year in his first season. This year
Kennedy has added more Chicago-area
talent with seven-footer Steven Hunter
and junior college transfer Paul McPher-
son. If Kennedy coaches as well as he re-
cruits, DePaul will have its best team
since the glory days of coaching legend
Ray Meyer.

(15) UTAH

Rich Majerus must be the most desir-
able coach in the game today. It seems
that every time a job opens anywhere,
Majerus is mentioned as a candidate.
The basketball world and the media that
coverit love the guy, which only demon-
strates that competence and honesty
wrapped around a good heart сап take a
fat, bald guy from Milwaukee a long way.
And Majerus takes his Utah Utes a long
way with him. With only starter Andre
Miller returning from the previous sea-
son's Final Four team, Utah swept the
Mountain West regular season (14-0),
won another conference tourncy title
and was set to make a serious run at the
Final Four until they entered Wally's
World (as in Szczerbiak) on a hot night.
Although Miller graduated, Majerus re-
turns four starters this season. Playboy
All-America Hanno Möttölä will be the
Utes go-to guy. Gary Colbert or juco
transfer Trent Whiting could take Mil-
ler's point guard spot.

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(16) ILLINOIS

Last season had a Titanic feeling to it
for the Illini, who were barely better
than .500 in the preconference schedule
and finished a miserable 3-13 in the bru-
tal Big Ten regular season. Then came
conference tournament time and the
big turnaround. Illinois consecutively
shocked Minnesota, Indiana and Ohio
State, all ranked teams, before finally
falling to Michigan State in the tourney
title match. Said coach Lon Kruger,
"Some teams take a little longer to jell
than others.” With all starters return-
ing—including silky-smooth guard Cory
Bradford (15.4 ppg)—plus McDonald's
high school All-Americans Frank Wil-
liams and Marcus Griffin, Illinois should
be ready to roll from game one this sea-
son. The Шіпі could turn last year's con-
ference record upside down.

(17) UCLA

Fourth-year coach Steve Lavin has al-
ready proved he can recruit. Now Lavin
has to prove he can coach. That task was
made tougher with the decision of point
guard Baron Davis to take an early leave
for Ше NBA, Ryan Bailey and Earl Wat-

____ Husin Mount Žž
— «Фейаіан /Athloto —

The Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award recognizes achieve-
ment both in the classroom and on the basketball court. Nominat-
ed by their colleges, the candidates are judged on their scholastic
and athletic accomplishments by the editors of PLAYBOY. A donation
of $5000 has been made by PLaysoY to the general scholarship
fund of the winner's school.

This year's Anson Mount Scholar/Athlete Award in basketball
goes їо Т.Ј. Lux from Northern Illinois University. А 69" fifth-year
senior, Lux was the nation's number one returning rebounder go-
ing into the 1998-1999 season, but he suffered an injury that re-
sulted in a medical hardship waiver. Over the course of his career,
T.J. has averaged 16.4 points and 9.8 rebounds per game and has
recorded 45 double-doubles. He's already earned a degree іп
mathematics education with a 3.41 overall GPA and is currently
enrolled in graduate school.

Honorable mentions: Robert 5. Krimmel Jr. (St. Francis-Pa.), Уа!-
ter Karavanic (Buckn: A.D. Smith (Oregon), Mike Ensminger
(Miami U.), Matthew Williams (Montana), Paul Shirley (lowa State),
Corey Osinski (Siena), Mario Layne (Texas Tech), Kevin Cuttica
(Cornell), Josh Reid (Kansas State), Devin Pack (Alcorn State), Han-
no Möttölä (Utah), Mike Babul (Massachusetts), Mike Pegues
(Delaware), Lavor Postell (St. John's), Alejandro Olivares (Ford-

ham), Etan Thomas (Syracuse), Jeremy Hays (Alabama), H. Earl

son will try to fill Davis’ role as floor gen-
Flowers (Southern Mississippi).

eral. Center Dan Gadzuric and forward
JaRon Rush are potential superstars. Ja-
son Kapono is one of the top freshmen
in the nation. But this is still a young
team, with only one senior among its top

nine players. Lavin definitely has the (18) TEXAS

pieces. Can he solve the puzzle?

It's transformation time down in Aus-
tin. Mack Brown has turned around
the football program. Now coach Rick
Barnes will do the same with the Long-
horn hoops team. In his second season
since coming over from Clemson,
Barnes has added six new faces to give
substantial depth to the Texas squad.
In the meantime, Playboy All-America
Chris Mihm will assert himself as the
best big man in the nation. Forward
Nnadubem Gabe Muoneke vill provide
additional power underneath the basket
and plenty of challenges for play-by-play

announcers,

(19) ST. JOHN'S

The Red Storm would have been a
true powerhouse this season if super
soph Ron Artest hadn't taken an early
exit for the NBA. But second-year coach
Mike Jar: a winner when he was at
George Washington and a 28-game win-
ner in his debut season at St. John's,
thinks a strong backcourt and solid ath-
leticism up front will keep the Storm
blowing strong again this season. Erick
Barkley and Bootsy Thornton will be
one of the best guard tandems in the Big
East—or anywhere—while frontcourt
power could come from junior Reggie
Jessie and newcomer Anthony Glover.
Without Artest, another Elite Eight ap-
pearance is unlikely, but Jarvis will have
his team in the thick of the race for the
Big Fast title.

"Lady, believe me—there is absolutely no danger of a Y2K
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Ом

PLAYBOY

194

(20) TENNES

Jerry Green has posted 41 wins, the
most for any Tennessee coach after two
seasons. But he is far from satisfied.
“We have sold lots oftickets and gotten
some national attention, but we still
have lots of work to do.” That work has
been made easier with the return of ju-
nior guard Tony Harris, who led the
Southeast Conference last season in
three-point shooting with a .470 a
age. Isiah Victor, who started on|
games last scason, will be a double-digit
scorer this year, Green is excited about
freshman Ron Slay, who led Virginia's
Oak Hill Academy to USA Tode
ber one national ranking last ye:
Vols would love to repeat last season's
sweep of Kentucky, which enabled them
to win the SEC’s Eastern Division for the
first time since divisional play began,
in 1992.

; The

(21) GONZAGA

Last season, the Bulldogs were every-
thing that’s good about college basket-
ball—high energy underdog scrappers
from a little school whose only basketball
claim to fame is that John Stockton once
matriculated there. Led by Playboy All-
America guard Mau Santangelo (a play-
er who maximizes his talent better than
any other in the nation), Gonzaga bat-
tled from an opening season loss at

if

d

Kansas to a 28-7 record that included a
West Coast conference titlc and three
memorable NCAA tournament victories
before finally falling to Connecticut in
the West Regional Final. Gonzaga re-
turns Santangelo and two other starters
from last year's team, but coach Dan
Monson took the Minnesota job that
opened up when Clem Haskins resigned.
Gonzaga wasted no time in naming
Mark Few, formerly an assistant, to be its
new top Bulldog. Six-eleven Axel Dench
and 6'8” Zach Gourde, who redshirted
last year, need strong seasons in the
paint if the Bulldogs are to re-create last
year's magic.

(22) INDIANA.

When Luke Recker announced that
he was transferring from Indiana to Ari-
zona, you might have thought it would
bc the arrow that finally hit the heart of
controversial coach Bob Knight—that is,
if you were one of the faithful who still
believed that Knight has a heart. Rec
er had seemed to be the quintesse:
Hoosier—a great shooter, good funda-
mentals, team player, Indiana born and
bred. This defection could have end-
ed the 28-year reign of the enigmatic
Knight. But, love him or hate him,
Knight life will apparently continue un-
disturbed in Bloomington. Playboy All-
America A.J. Guyton will play his senior

4... And I need some new golf clubs, underwear. I
could use some sweaters. I take a large and I look good in green. . . .
You're not writing this down.”

season for Indiana, and Knight has found
a budding star in 6/10” forward Kirk
Haston.

(23) OKLAHOMA STATE

The Cowboys have enough returning
talent to exceed the 23-win total of last
season that took them to the Big 12 tour-
nament title game (they lost to Kansas)
and as far as the second round of the
Big Dance (they fell to Auburn). Veter-
an coach Eddie Sutton (632-252 career)
thinks 6'6” senior forward Desmond Ма-
son is ready for a break-out season.
Doug Gottlieb, who totaled 299 assists
last season, will quarterback the Cow-
boys from his point guard spot. Junior
college transfer Roy Candley (797, 380)
will command attention inside if he's
in shape. Joe Adkins and Glendon Alex-
ander will try to fill the perimeter role
of graduated Adrian Peterson, OSU's
leading scorer the past three seasons. In
a stronger Big 12, the Cowboys have to
be better than last year if they hope to
succeed.

(24) ARKANSAS

With the departure of the Razorbacks"
three leading scorers from last season
(Kareem Reid, Pat Bradley and Derek
Hood), this year would appear to be a
rebuilding one for perennial winning
coach Nolan Richardson. “This is defi-
nitely one of the youngest teams I've
ever coached,” says Richardson. And yet
he thinks his squad has the potential to
contend for the SEC West division title
and more. He's putting a lot of stock
in his only senior, Chris Walker, who
scored a career-high 22 points in the
Hogs' NCAA tournament loss to Iowa.
Richardson is also confident that Serge-
rio Gipson, Brandon Dean and ТЈ.
Cleveland are ready to handle big-time
competition. As green as the Hogs are,
Richardson will have them running hard
and playing stubborn defense.

(25) OKLAHOMA

The Sooners have lost four starters
from last year's team, which won 22
games and battled toe-to-toe with Michi-
gan State in the Midwest regional semi-
final of the NCAA tournament before
losing by eight points. Fortunately for
coach Kelvin Sampson, his one return-
ing starter is Playboy All-America Eduar-
do Najera, generally regarded by his ор-
ponents as the nicest guy off the court,
but the baddest of the bad when you
have to play him. (This is the fellow who
split his chin in a collision with Mateen
Cleaves and returned moments later
with bandage and stitches.) Najera will
have help from guard Tim Heskett, who
set a school single-season record for
three-point shooting (.473). Sampson
thinks J.R. Raymond, who couldn't play

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PLAYBOY

196

last year because of academic problems,
will be a factor this season.

(26) MARYLAND

With superstar Steve Francis leading
the way, coach Gary Williams had every-
thing lined up for a shot at the national
championship last season. But then the
Terps got waylaid by hot-shooting Ron
Artest and St. Johr's in the tournament's
third round. Four starters are gone from
that team (including Francis), but Mary-
land has enough talent left to again be a
factor in the ACC and possibly the na-
tional picture. Points will flow from 6/8”
junior forward Terence Morris, who
would love to fill Francis' scoring shoes
Williams says of Morris: "Every once in
a while you have a player who doesn't
seem to have a ceiling to his game. Ter-
ence has a chance to be great, and 1
don't say that about many players."
Freshmen Steve Blake, Tahj Holden and
Drew Nicholas have a chance to be im-
pact players in their first season, with
Blake likely to start as point guard.

(27) NEW MEXICO

As the Kenny Rogers song goes, “You
got to know when to fold 'em.” Dave
Bliss, Lobo coach for 11 years, hadn't
been able to nudge New Mexico past the
second round of the NCAA tournament
in any of the past four seasons. Star Ken-
ny Thomas had exhausted his eligibility,
and wingman Lamont Long was think-
ing about the NBA. Bliss saw an oppor-
tunity at Baylor and took it. The Lobos

promptly hired a new coach from New
York City, Fran Fraschilla, who had great
success at Manhattan and а too-short
run at St. John’s. "When I got on a plane

good news as well as applause when La-
mont Long decided that he would re-
turn to college for his senior season.
Freshman guard Marlon Parmer vill be

—ReAt ofthe елі _

GUARDS: Michael Redd (Ohio State), Cory Bradford (Illinois), Eddie
House (Arizona State), Gee Gervin (Houston), Ed Cota (North Car-
olina), Jason Hart (Syracuse), Doc Robinson (Auburn), Tony Harris
(Tennessee), Bootsy Thornton and Erick Barkley (St. John's), Mi-
chael Jordan (Penn), Lamont Long (New Mexico), Johnny Hemsley
(Miami), Kevin Braswell (Georgetown), Jami Bosley (Akron),
Robert O'Kelley (Wake Forest), Monty Mack (Massachusetts), Chico
Fletcher (Arkansas State), Ramel Lloyd (Long Beach State), Trenton
Hassell (Austin Peay State).

FORWARDS: Chris Porter (Auburn), Troy Murphy (Notre Dame), Mark
Madsen (Stanford), Morris Peterson (Michigan State), JaRon Rush
(UCLA), Michael Wright (Arizona), Jason Collier (Georgia Tech), La-
mont Barnes (Temple), Mike Miller (Florida), Marquise Gainous (Tex-
as Christian), Terence Morris (Maryland), Pete Mickeal and Kenyon
Martin (Cincinnati), Lubos Barton (Valparaiso), Marcus Fizer (lowa
State), Sean Lampley (California), Ron Hale (Florida State), Chris
jams (Virginia), Harold Arceneaux (Weber State), Marcus Goree
(West Virginia), Malik Allen (Villanova), Kaspars Kambala (UNLV).
CENTERS: Mamadou N'diaye (Auburn), Etan Thomas (Syracuse),
Brendan Haywood (North Carolina), Jamaal Magloire (Kentucky),
Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje (Georgetown), Ugo Udezue (Wyoming),

Brad Millard (St. Mary's), Darren Fenn (Canisius).

at La Guardia, no one noticed," he re-
ported. "When I got on a plane in Alb
querque to take my first recruiting tri

people applauded." Fraschilla received

"Let's see you return that for a store credit!”

an immediate hit. If Fraschilla can find
someone to muscle up inside, the Lobos
could be very good.

(28) PENNSYLVANIA

And you thought you'd never get the
chance to see Michael Jordan play bas-
ketball again. Penn's Michael Jordan
may not be the best basketball player on
the planet, but he is the best in the Ivy
League. The six-foot guard, who aver-
aged 15.3 points per game, led the Quak-
ers to 2] wins overall last season and 13
in conference, good enough to take
home the 1уу League title. Coach Fran
Dunphy expects highly touted freshmen
Koko Archibong and 68" Ugonna Onye-
kwe to make significant contributions.
Someone will have to play the Quakers
when tournament time rolls around. No
one will look forward to it.

(29) VALPARAISO

The names Valparaiso and Homer
Drew conjure up the best scenes from
the movie Hoosiers. Little guys taking on
and beating the big guys. Backboards
nailed against the sides of barns. And
coach Homer Drew's Crusaders play the
kind of team basketball that Gene H.
man's character tried to inspire. These
days, however, Drew relies on a cast of
characters who didn't cut their basket-
ball teeth in America's heartland: Ivan
Vujic and Lubos Barton, both Europe-
an-born talents. But Homer's basketball
melting pot works. The Crusaders, who

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PLAYBOY

won 23 games last season and sewed up
a fourth straight conference champion-
ship, should be even better this year. The
motto of last year's team was "exceeding
expectations." If the Crusaders exceed
again this year, they will certainly be a
factor when the madness rolls around
in March

(80) NORTH CAROLINA-CHARLOTTE

When you think of powerful teams in
Conference USA, you think of Cincin-
nati and Louisville. But the team that
beat them both on the way to the confer-
ence tourney crown last season was
UNC-Charlotte. In fact, the 49ers have
been in the conference championship
game cach of the past three ycars and
are one of only nine teams that have ad-
vanced to the NCAA second round in
each of the past three seasons. Coach
Bobby Lutz thinks his team can be a win-
ner again this season despite the loss of
talented forwards Galen Young and
Kelvin Price. The leader of this year's
squad will be guard Diego Guevara,
who will likely improve his 12.5 points-
per-game average of last year. Lutz ex-
pects help from junior college transfer
James Zimmerman and 68" freshman
Rodney White.

(81) GEORGIA TECH

A severe knee injury forced budding
superstar Dion Glover to miss all of last.
scason, dooming the Yellow Jackets to a
losing record (15-16) and а third consec-
utive year without an invitation to the
Big Dance. But coach Bobby Cremins is
smiling this year despite the fact that
Glover is now in the NBA. Seven-foot
forward Jason Collier, another transfer
from Indiana, is back after averaging
17.2 points per game last year. Junior
center Alvin Jones is already Tech's lead-
ing all-time shot blocker. And to make
a good situation better, Cremins has
added 65" guard Shaun Fein, a transfer
from Stonehill College.

(82) TULSA

With muscular power forward Mi-
chael Ruffin and 610” Brandon Kurtz
inside, the Golden Hurricane left 23 op-
ponents bruised and defeated last sea-
son. Ruflin has graduated, and coach Bill
Self will shift to a perimeter-oriented of-
fense that will better use team quickness.
Guard Greg Harrington, one of four ге-
turning starters and the WAC freshman
of the year last season, will be an impor-
tant ingredient іп Self's new strategy.

Top Five Freshmen

STEVE BLAKE 6'3" MARYLAND
JOSEPH FORTE 6'4" NORTH CAROLINA
NICK COLLISON 6'9" KANSAS
DONNELL HARVEY 6'8" FLORIDA
CASEY JACOBSEN 6'6" STANFORD

Top Five Juesa

TERRY BLACK 677” BAYLOR
MARCUS GRIFFIN 6'9” ILLINOIS
ANTONIO JACKSON 6'5” MISSISSIPPI STATE
PAUL MCPHERSON 674” DEPAUL
LAMONT ROLAND 6'4” LSU

Top Five Transfers

LUKE AXTELL 6'9" TEXAS TO KANSAS
MIKE CHAPPELL 6'8" DUKE TO MICHIGAN STATE
CHRIS OWENS 6'8” TULANE TO TEXAS
KARIM SHABAZZ 7'2" FLORIDA STATE TO PROVIDENCE
LOREN WOODS 7'1” WAKE FOREST TO ARIZONA

Top Five Foreign
Playera in

-Donn

Division J

JAMAAL MAGLOIRE (Canada) 6'10” KENTUCKY
EDUARDO NAJERA (Mexico) 6'8” OKLAHOMA
HANNO MÖTTÖLÄ (Finland) 6710” UTAH
MAMADOU N'DIAYE (Senegal) 77 AUBURN
RUBEN BOUMTJE-BOUMTJE (Cameroon) 77 GEORGETOWN

(33) STANFORD

Based on the fact that Stanford re-
turned all five starters from its 1997-
1998 Final Four team, expectations were
high that the Cardinal would make a
serious bid for the national title last sea-
son. It didn't happen. Stanford quietly
bowed out of the second round of the
tournament after a good, but not domi-
nant, season. Only forward Mark Mad-
sen returns from that starting five
Coach Mike Montgomery expects some
of last year's bench players to step up big.
in starting roles. He has particular-
ly high hopes for brothers Jarron and
Jason Collins and Michael McDonald.
Look for freshman Casey Jacobsen, a
McDonald's All-American, to be an im-
mediate hit.

(84) WEBER STATE

One of the beautiful things about the
NCAA tournament is that there is almost
always an upset (or near upset) of a ma-
jor power by a school that most people
have never heard of. Last year it was
Weber State's first-round defeat of North
Carolina. Just exactly where is Weber
State anyway? Ogden, Utah. And who
was the Weber State player in the zone
for that game and a good part of the sub-
sequent close call loss to Florida? Har-
old Arceneaux. What most people didn't
realize was that Harold (his nickname
is appropriately The Show) has been іп
the zone many times. Those games just
didn't happen to be on national TV. The
Show returns for his senior season along
with guard Eddie Gill and a 610" player
from Italy, Ivan Gatto.

(85) DETROIT MERCY

"It all starts with defense,” says Detroit
Mercy coach Perry Watson. Last ycar thc
Titans finished second nationally in field
goal percentage defense and third іп
scoring defense, a strength that netted
them a second consecutive MCC cham-
pionship and a second straight upset of a
higher ranked opponent in the NCAA
tournament first round (St. John's in
1998, UCLA in 1999). Watson thinks his
Titans will get the job done again this
year despite the graduation of Jermaine
Jackson, last season's МСС player of the
year. Guard Rashad Phillips is the top re-
turning scorer in the MCC (15.7 ppg)
and 67" Desmond Ferguson is the best
three-point shooter in the conference.
Forward Terrell Riggs, who sat out last
year for academic reasons, will be an im-
mediate contributor.

(36) TEXAS CHRISTIAN

The loquacious Billy Tubbs predicts
his Horned Frogs “will struggle early,
but we'll end up with a team that will be
a handful for anyone by February."
Biggest problem for the sixth-year coach
will be finding someone to score and

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Commander King
Northern Arizona

Majestic Mapp
Virginia

Duany Duany

Wisconsin

Michael Jordan
Penn

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Connecticut

Souleymane Wane
Connecticut

nab rebounds as adeptly as graduated
forward Lee Nailon, Six-nine Marquise
Gainous will pick up some of the slack
while Myron Anthony (a transfer from
Kentucky) and 6710" juco transfer Der-
rick Davenport get acclimated. TCU
was second in scoring in Division 1 last
scason with an 86.8 points-per-game av-
erage. Tubbs thinks a better defensive
effort would push that average even

higher.
(87) NORTH CAROLINA STATE

With Duke busy kicking everyone's
butt in the ACC last season, North Car-
olina State's respectable 19-14 season
went unnoticed. With all five starters ге-
turning and a couple of seasoned con-
tributors ready to come off the bench,
coach Herb Sendek's squad may be the
. Sendek also recruited
(rated by talent expert

r in the nation last year) and
high school player of the year
Marshall Williams.

(38) BRADLEY

Jim Molinari has gained a reputation
as a great defensive coach during his
eight years at Bradley. In seven of those
seasons the Braves have finished among
the top 24 teams in the nation in scoring
defense. This year the Braves should be
able to put up some offensive numbers
to compare with their defensive stats. All
five starters return from last season's 17-
win squad, including guard Rob Dye,
who averaged over 17 points per game
last year. The Braves will get a boost
from Jermaine Brown, brother of NBA
veteran Randy, and 611” Jeff Rabey,
who was the national rebounding leader
(12.2 rpg) on the junior college Division
II level last season.

Turns out that Thomas Wolfe was
wrong. You can go home again. Lou
Henson did exactly that after stepping
down as longtime coach at Illinois а cou-
ple of years ago. Everyone assumed Lou
would work on his golf game, his gar-
den, his hair. But instead he reclaimed
the New Mexico State head coaching

job, a position he had held before join-

ing the Illini, And Lou quickly proved
that he can still coach, leading the Aggies
to a 23-10 record, a Big West tourna-
ment title and a first-round appearance
against Kentucky in the NCAA tourna-
ment. Henson has four starters plus
three solid bench players returning. And
he's recruited very well in-state, per-
suading New Mexico high school scor-
ing phenom Kelsey Crooks to come to
Las Cruces.

(40) MISSOURI

There's been a change of the guard at
Missouri. Norm Stewart, hired 32 years
ago at the age of 32, was pushed out.
Pulled in was 32-year-old former Duke
assistant Quin Snyder. Stewart's last
team finished a respectable 20-9, includ-
ing 11 wins in the Big 12. He left behind
some good players for Snyder to begin
with, the best being backcourt combo
Keyon Dooling and Brian Grawer. Sny-
der quickly latched onto Missouri high
school player of the year Kareem Rush
and juco transfer Tajudeen Soyoye. Sny-
der brings a renewed sense of urgency to
the Tigers program, a closet full of slick
suits, but little head coaching experi-
ence. “As of now,” quipped Snyder at his
introductory press conference, “I have
about ten minutes’ worth.”

“I think Гое got a Y2K problem!”

201

202

ном

Below is a list of retailers and
manufacturers you can con-
tact for information on where
to find this month's merchan-
dise. To buy the apparel and
equipment shown on pages
32, 41, 49-50, 107-111,
184-186 and 251, check the
listings below to find the
stores nearest уои.

= CD
player by Pioneer Electronics, 800-746-
6337. Portable DVD player by Pana-
sonic, 800-211-7262. Handheld video
game by Tiger Electronics, 847-913-8100.
Cameras: By Polaroid, 800-343-5000. Ву
Logitech, 800-231-7717. “Tech Trick”:
Radio service by Conneaus, 610-578-
0800. “Wild Things": Dual-deck VCRs
from Sensory Science, 480-922-0896.

FITNESS

Page 41: “Get Fit Gear”: “Good to
Jump": Rope and hand weights by /ron-
wear and Reebok, 877-273-3265. "Сега
Lift": Resistance system by Bodylastics,
800-500-1979. Weight bars by Prem-
ise Products, 877-333-7867. “It's the
Shoes” and “Perfect Timing": Athletic
shoes and watch by Nike, 800-344-6453.
Heart rate monitors: By Freestyle, 800-
776-6449. By Polar, 800-227-1314.

MANTRACK

Page 49: “Eye Is on the Sparrow": By
Corbin Motors, 831-634-1100. Page 50:
“Back in Action": Office chair by Steel-
case, 800-333-9939. “Guys Are Talking
About": Portable bike by Strida, 800-
787-4322. Female football, 612-833-
2029. Cider, 707-829-1101. Pillows:
From the Company Store, 800-285-
3696. By Medisana, 800-928-9366. е
brats, 707-545-4699, The Wine Brats’
Guide to Living, available at your local
bookstore.

CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE

Pages 107-111: Fishing goods by Mul-
holland Brothers, 877-685-4655. CD turn-
table by Oracle, 819-573-5488. Bike
from Deutsche Optik, 800-225-9407. Ro-
botics kit by Lego, 800-510-5773. Digi:
tal TV by Loewe, 877-563-9388. Electric
razor by Braun, 800-272-8611. Watch
by Bulgari, 800-285-4274. Digital cam-

BUY

era by Fuji, 800-755-3854.
Pen by Alfred Dunhill of
London, 212-753-9292.
Champagne table from
Champagne Furniture Gal-
lery, 65 W. Illinois St., Chì-
cago, 312-923-9800. Cham-
pagne by Dom Pérignon,
800-421-9705.

GAMES GALORE

Pages 184-186: “Intro-
duction": Software: By ID
Software, 800-434-2637. By Capcom,
408-774-0400. By Psygnosis, 310-399-
7022. “Games to Со”: Handheld
games: By Nintendo, 800-255-3700. By
SNK, 877-752-9765. Ву Tiger Electronics,
847-913-8100. Software: By Capcom,
408-774-0400. By 3D Realms, 800-337-
3256. By Nintendo, 800-255-3700. By
EA Sports, 800-245-4525. “Burning
Rubber”: Software: By Electronic Arts,
800-245-4525. By Sega, 800-872-7342.
By Sierra/Havas Interactive, 800-757-
7707. By Sony Computer Entertainment,
800-345-7669. By Psygnosis, 310-399-
7099. By Midway Home Entertainment,
888-335-5907. Steering wheel control-
ler by Interact, 407-333-1392. “Playboy's
Picks": Software: By Acclaim, 516-656-
5000. By Rockstar Games, at software
stores. By Electronics Arts Sports, 800-
245-4525. By Capcom, 408-774-0400. By
Кетсо, 425-869-8000, By Sega, 800-872-
7342. By Midway Home Entertainment,
888-335-5907. By Psygnosis, 310-399-
7022. By Bungie, 312-255-9600. Ву Mi-
стозой. 425-882-8080. By Sierra/Havas
Interactive, 800-757-7707. By Activision,
310-255-2050. Game systems: By Sega,
800-872-7342. By Sony, 800-345-7669.
By Nintendo, 800-255-3700.

ON THE SCENE

Page 251: "Mail-Order Gourmet": Lob-
ster clambake from Legal Seafoods, 800-
343-5804. Chocolates from Harbor
Sweets, 800-243-2115. Specialty meats
from D'Artagnan, 800-327-8246. Bread
from Pane e Salute, 802-457-4882, Bou-
tique wines from California Wine Club,
800-777-4443. Caviar from Gourmet
USA, 888-889-1949. Cheesecake from
Jubilations, 800-530-7808.

MUGLER. VF 96.97 PLASTIC CHOKER BY LARA BOEING 747. SHOES BY THIERRY MUGLER. PP ae BOOTS BY CHRISTIAN

LOUBOUTIN. PLASTIC FLOWERS BY COMME PARENTE.

GULF WAR II

(continued from page 178)
forces. Operational changes have low-
ered morale and curtailed training, im-
pairing effectiveness.

Simply put, the U.S. lacks the military
resources to refight Desert Storm. In
1990 we dispatched more than 540,000
troops to the Persian Gulf to defeat Sad-
dam. They were joined by an additional
258,000 troops supplied by other mem-
bers of the coalition. Today, the U.S.
would be lucky to amass 250,000, and
even this number would require an ex-
tensive call-up of reserves —-something
politicians will be reluctant to do. Three
to five years from now, this figure will
have deteriorated. And far from being
able to assemble an impressive coalition,
the U.S. would be hard-pressed to line
up half a dozen nations willing to com-
mit troops to takc on Saddam. In a sec-
ond Gulf var, we will probably be called
on to respond to a greater threat, with
fewer troops and questionable allied
support.

Even with our military cutbacks, there
is no nation on the planet that can stand
up to the L.S. in armed conflict. But this
time around, the war vill not be a video
game. It is unlikely that Iraq would use
weapons of mass destruction in such a
war; the consequences of such an action
are well known in Baghdad. But Ameri-
cans will have to fight and die—proba-
bly by the bundreds, if not thousands—
especially if U.S. ground troops pene-
trate deeply into Iraq in a final effort to
get rid of Saddam Hussein. Any move
into the Iraqi capital would necessitate
a long-term, large-scale commitment of
American forces in an occupation role,
which obviously wouldn't sit well with
the region's Arab nationalists and Islam-
іс fundamentalists.

Once the smoke clears and the Iraqi
military once again lies shattered, it will
be hard to claim the results of such a
conflict as a victory for the U.S. A second
Gulf war will not be surgical. It will be
drawn out, bloody and ultimately devas-
tating for our national interests.

Such a conflict, inevitable if the U.S.
continues on its current course
Iraq, can be avoided. We need а
matic solution based on fostering Iraqi
economic recovery. But such a solution
would require us to overhaul our Iraqi
policy.

The posturing of the Clinton adminis-
tration and the Republican-controlled
Congress reminds me of my experience
with the Islamic and Zionist groups:
They differ in ideology, but are identical
in their narrow-minded pursuit of irra-
tional politics. Our elected officials and
representatives have to rise above their
petty politicking and reformulate our
Iraqi policy—before it's too late.

This tent saved Frank Clark’s life.
( If he'd paid full price his wife would've killed him. )

It's an all too familiar story. Over the years, buys whatever he wants, confident he's getting the best
Frank had slowly acquired a basement full of overpriced price. We're happy enough to be outfitting the world. And

sporting goods. At www.gear.com, we find ifwe keep a few guys from spending
the best deals on last season's gear the night on the couch along the
and discount it 20% to 90%. Now Frank way, that's even better.

Name brand sporting goods at closeout prices.

21999 geercom.

PLAYS

BEN AFFLECK

(continued from page 80)
tremendous. I loved the script and I
loved all those actors, like Judi Dench,
and it was intimidating. I thought, At
least I'll get the chance to prove to peo-
ple that I can do this. A lot of people
could have done Armageddon, but this
was a stretch. I was going to do a British

accent. And to be in the company of

some of those extraordinary actors and
not be completely wiped off the screen
was what I wanted. I am so glad I did it
People cautioned me about doing Dog-
ma, and I'm glad I did that one, too.
PLAYBOY: What sort of parts are you of-
fered now?

AFFLECK: There's no shortage of parts for
aleading man between 25 and 35; prob-
ably 80 percent of the movies are written
with that guy as the protagonist. So I get
comedies and action-adventure movies,
superhero movies, weird independent
movies, bad independent movies, good

independent movies. I even get scripts
where the lead is a black woman, but,
“We can change it and rewrite itif you're
terested.”

PLAYBOY: With your career going so well,
do you appreciate what's happening
to you?

AFFLECK: I don't think I have appreciated
enough the good fortune Гус enjoyed.
I get the opportunity to do incredible
things and sometimes I just feel numb.
ђе with my friends, and they're point-
ing to a woman and saying, "She's really
beautiful and she's looking at you and
she wants to come over here.” And there
are times І just don't have the interest
or the energy to pursue all those things,
be it women or the opportunity to trav-
el somewhere ог meet someone. Зоте-
times I just want to stay at home. Then I
think, This is going to go away and I'm
just going to be sitting on my porch and
I might wish I'd enjoyed it more. But
you can't make yourself do that. I don't
know why.

"Stick with him and you'll be spreading more than
Christmas cheer tonight . . . 1"

When I was 16 I got my own money
and bought a four-door 1977 Toyota Co-
rona station wagon. It leaked, it w:
shitbox. This was in Boston, so when w
ter would collect on the floorboards it
would freeze, so there was ice in the car.
It just sucked. But I had a car and I got
around. I was always so envious of the
guys with the Lexus and Mercedes and
the big SUV. They're always middle-
aged guys. I said, “This is wasted on this
guy, this is unfair, he doesn't appreciate
this car and I would really, really appre-
ciate it.” So in a weird way I feel like I'm
that guy. І feel like fame is almost wasted
on me. I already don't want to have sex
five times a day. It's kind of depressing.
PLAYBOY: Are you writing another screen-
play with Matt?

AFFLECK: Well, the trick now is that we're
writing two movies at once. So whichev-
er one turns out better will bethe one we
turn in first. We also happen to have
been paid by two separate movie studios
to write something. Not much money, by
modern screenplay standards. But we've
cashed the checks anyway, so we owe
scripts. We've put off doing them be-
cause both of us, I think, wanted some
time between Good Will and our next
movie. We were sick of hearing about
ourselves. And I assume everyone else
was sick of hearing about us.

PLAYBOY: Are there strains in your friend-
ship with Matt?

AFFLECK: Matt and 1 have strains in our
relationship the way I have strains with
the rest of the friends Гус known my
whole life. I mean, Matt's a fucking slob
and he won't clean and he can be annoy-
ing. He comes over and һе leaves his shit.
around and I say, "I'm not your fucking
maid, pick up your dishes." It's the same
way my friend Aaron will leave the news-
paper all over the bathroom floor of my
house, no matter how many times I say,
“Don't do that." But actually, with Matt,
its probably helped to have somebody
who is going through the same experi-
ences. We were always around each oth-
er. We're probably better friends now.
We're able to bounce stuffoffeach other.
1 think we value our friendship more
and understand how rare it is to have a
good friend. There's a small group of
guys I've known since I was a kid. 1 val-
ue all those guys more. Obviously Matt
in particular, because we have a common
experience. We can say, "You know how
weird this is?"
PLAYBOY: How competitive are you with
Matt?

AFFLECK: It's always been an issue, ever
since we were teenagers. Always, every
single movie. So that's something we
came to terms with a long time ago
Same with my brother, who's an actor
and is working a lot now. I think the way
that we've dcalt with it successfully is to
be really straight up about it. We're both
auditioning, we both want to get the

a

part, we both want to do well. But we
both feel, If it's not me, Га rather have
it be Matt than somebody else. I think
that's the secret to a good friendship—
you always root for the other person and
support the other person, whether it is
Matt or my brother or whoever. If you
have a good friendship with somebody,
you enjoy his success. You know you're
not good friends with somebody if his
success pisses you off. Sure, there have
been times when I've gotten something
and Matt hasn't or Matt's gotten some
part that 1 haven't, but it's never been
difficult and we've never been exclusion-
ary about it. It’s interesting to share ex-
periences, and even if my career totally
falls apart or I have one of these tragic
PR disaster things—get arrested with a
male hooker or something—or if I just
do 15 shitty movies and no one wants to
hire me again, I still really hope Matt
does well. I wouldn't associate my failing
with his success. We've always helped
one another. My brother gave Gus Van
Sant the script for Good Will Hunting, be-
cause he got to know Gus by doing 70 Die
For, which Matt auditioned for. They
said, “You're too old." And he said,
“You've got to hire Casey Affleck, he's
brilliant." It's always been that kind of
thing. Frankly, I'm uncomfortable if my
friends aren't doing well. I feel like I
have to do something to help them out.
We'll sit around and talk like, “We got to
do something about so-and-so. He's not
working and he's unhappy, let's think of
something.”
PLAYBOY: Do you ever get tired of talking
about your friendship with Matt?
AFFLECK: I understand the questions.
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, they're
friends, they're рај, they grew up to-
већег, isn't it great and cute? I get all
kinds of questions, like, "So how's Matt?"
or "Whar's Matt like?" And I don't know
what sort of answers are expected.
Instead of saying Matt's fine and he's
doing his thing, I'll be like, “Well, let me
tell you about Matt. Matt can give a blow
job in a way that's incredible, really spe-
cial.” Most of the time it's like Entertain
ment Tonight, and they can't air it. But
then sometimes you think you're safe,
but someone writes it down and it ends
up being taken out of context in Ош
magazine,
PLAYBOY: Does Matt ever get pissed off
about that?
AFFLECK: Matt gets it. We have a similar
sense of humor, which I think is the
main reason we're compatible as friends
and in terms of writing. He always thinks
it’s funny. It's just a question of the rest
of them.
PLAYBOY: Let's see if you've learned your
lesson: What is Matt Damon really like?
AFFLECK: [Laughs] He gives a really great

blow job.
El

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PLAYBOY

Shel Silverstein

(continued from page 116)
and Andre Francois and Robert Osborn
and Sam Cobean and William Steig. At
one time or another, 1 tried to look like
all of them, but Shel was Shel from the
start. How come? I never asked. I'm sor-
ry I didn't.

He seemed to always know where he
was going, and he went all sorts of plac-
es, always in search of the same thing—
and it wasn't culture. PLAYBOY sent him
around the world, on sexual missions to
exotic places. Not only did he get paid
for this, but he got famous.

It was just one of the things he became
famous for. Shel, whose drawings looked
as effortless as doodles, managed a ca-
reer that made him a legend but was al-
so a doodle. He got up each morning
and seemed to do exactly what he felt
like doing, living out a kid's paradise:
Was he in the mood to cartoon? There
was always PLAYBOY (“Now here's my
plan"). Was he of a mind to write songs?
"There was always country music (4 Boy
Named. Sue). Was he into verse that day
or into a children's story? No problem

(Where the Sidewalk Ends, The Giving Tree).

He doodled out classics in the many
forms that interested him. And when һе
couldn't figure out what to do next, Shel
wrote опе-асі plays and screenplays (опе
with David Mamet). He made wordplay
pay. And philosophical.

Inside you, boy,

There's an old man sleepin’
Dreamin’, waitin’ for his chance.
Inside you, girl,

There's an old lady dozin',

Wantin' to show you a slower dance.

So keep оп playin’,

Keep on runnin’,

Keep on jumpin’, till the day

That those old folks

Down inside you

Wake up . . апа come ош to play.
—"The Folks Inside”

Shel is that old man sleepin’ who came
out to play. Go ask any kid in any class in
any school: He's playing still.

ar Г МЕ rg HAS

Litirethrisiuds

(continued from page 84)
Т also told you you would despise him if
he did. But look ar it like this—you were
totally freaked when he walked—a fuck-
ing basket case. 1 don't know how you
can be so cool in the ER and such a hys-
teric in real life. You should take a lesson
from Benjamin Franklin and eradicate
jealousy from your list of emotions. If
you can do that, great deeds await you,
babe. As for this resident you're dick-
ing—it's simple infatuation and it will
pass. The only way for two people to live
happily ever after is for them to get
killed in a car crash on their third date.
I mean, name the happy couples you
know— you can probably count them оп
one hand. Falling in love is extremely
hazardous. Just don't expect anything
from people and enjoy them while it
lasts. As for Bob—fuck Bob. He's a loser.
Divorce him.

Hey, last night I fucked a blonde law-
yer. Harvard grad. Patrician. Not bad for
а greaseball, huh?

Yrs,

Da Fonz

ло: CC14

RE: Nice Reviews, Tiger

DATE SENT: February 22, 1999

Yeah: Time, Newsweek, People, USA To-
day, Boston Globe—all raves. Nielsens are
good. Another Emmy? Well, don't be
surprised, I won't be. Anyhow, thank
you, my dear. One irksome develop-
ment: Did you see the LA Times review?
The script got trashed. Reviewers? Some
asshole who wants to Бе a scriptwriter
and can't hack it, pissed off at the whole
world. Well, fuck him! I just might go
look up the cocksucker and inject a little
terror in his life. Or hire some thugs to
do it for me.

Yrs,

Wild Bill

ло: ССІ4

RE: Now What Do I Do?

DATE SENT: February 28, 1999

Jesus, not another one! Well don't let
the resident know. You have to keep
your victims isolated. Remember: *You*
are the center of the universe and they
аге mere satellites. Isolate him. Magnet-
іс Seth and the fresh resident must nev-
ег meet. And yes, it is а wicked web, but
you're an energetic little spider. Go out
there and repair that web on a daily ba-
sis. Keep the victims isolated and keep
that net in good repair. Fun, isn't и? I'm
proud of you. Just watch out for space
debris—comets, meteor dust and the
rusting hulks of Citroën Deux Chevaux.

So we're shooting in Miami this week
and it is houer than a motherfucker. The
Diet Реј my bar cabinet are like on-
ly ten ounces at four bucks a crack! I can
drink five at once. 1 dunno, 1 feel guilty
drinking $50 worth of soda before

му VODERS IN

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DRINK RESPONSIBLY. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS.

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PLAYBOY

210

lunch. Apart from screwing starlets,

what I like best about location shooting is

the sound of that room service cart jin-

gling down the hall, you know? The clat-

ter of bone china and the aroma of fresh

coffee. Here comes one now. Gotta go.
Ххх

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ло: СС

RE: Bob Thinks I'm Fucking Lisa!

DATE SENT: March 4, 1999

LOL—babe, it's better that he thinks
you're a dyke, believe me. A whole lot
easier on his ego. Personally, I think he
just went to the lawyer to blow off steam.
He is hurt and he wants to strike back.
It's the oldest story in the world. No mat-
ter what, he's not going to divorce you.
And so what if he does? I don't know
why you are so hot for that old house
anyhow; it’s nothing but work, and
you're never there. Get yourself a little
fuckpad and pay back your medical
school loans. Power to the pcople, babe.
1 gotta go.

Eldridge

то: ССІ4

RE: I *Am* Fucking Lisa!

DATE SENT: March 5, 1999

You, a dyke? No way. Jesus, give me a
break! Look, I know you're stressed out.
These things happen. It doesn't mean
you're some hard-core lesbian. Trust
me, I know you better than you know
yourself. But just the same: My God! 1s
Lisa a good fuck?

Your partner in crime,

Ace.

PS. What are the kids at the Foxhead
saying about the show?

то: CCI4

ке: Three-Way Sex: Are You Up to
It, Sport?

DATESENT: March 6, 1999

Whoa! Are you *shitting* me? Yeah!
I'm up for it. Boing! Way up! LOL.
Señor Caligula is up for most anything.
Athree-way sounds absolutely great! Tell
me though, what аге Lisa's tits like? She
hasn't got tobacco-brown nipples, has
she? That just makes it impossible for
me. It ruins everything. She's very fair-
skinned, so I doubt this will be a prob-
lem. But please advise me at the first
possible opportunity.

Ready and Rarin',

Yrs,

Stickman

то: СС14

RE: C cups, Pink Nipples

DATE SENT: March 7, 1999

God! C cups! Pink and well formed! I
thought so! I thought so! Goddamn.
Man! I'm in heaven! Crack out the Viag-
ra. Heh heh. And well formed, too! Boy!
Shit. Usually at 30, they start to sag.
Well, maybe she had a tit job. Didn't she
run with a cosmetic surgeon for a time?
Jeez, this sounds too good to be true.
I can't wait. Just tell me this: If you two
are such dedicated lesbians, why do you
want to fuck me? You said she gives you

“Hasn't anyone ever told you about wearing white
afier Labor Day?”

multiple orgasms. I didn't give you mul-
tiple orgasms. What's the deal, comrade?
V.L Lenin

то: CCI4
ivorce Papers

DATE SENT: March 8, 1999

Babe, you're better off without the
sorry-ass motherfucker; good riddance!
Bob was nothing but “poor me.” Dump
him. Put the house on the market and
get on with it.

Your loving crisis counselor,

Maynard G. Krebbs

DATE SENT: March 9, 1999

I knew there had to be a catch. And I
can't believe Lisa, either. How did this
plan get hatched? You suddenly want
me to knock you both up so you can be
single parents? 15 Lisa stealing drugs
from the meds cabinet? Anesthesiolo-
gists will do ıhat—and she hangs with
your guy Seth. He’s probably got a shit-
load of good stuff. Or have you both
lost your minds? Flipped out complete-
ly? Goddamn! I think those long shifts
in the ER are taking their toll on you.
Burnout. Get a grip on yourself, woman.

Zamboni, King of the Kongo

ло; CC14

RE: Contracts

Date sent: March 11, 1999

Look, I'm going to be in town one
night. Even if by some miracle of chance
you're both ovulating, I’m not going to
get you both pregnant. It's statistically
unlikely. I mean, you're the doctors. Fig-
ure. And contract or no, I’m going to
know that I've got kids—kids living with
lesbian parents. This is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard of. I quit screwing
physicians a long time ago as most of
themare out of touch, fucking psychotic.
What if one of you gets pissed and de-
cides to sue for child support? I've been
out there too many years to fall for this
bullshit. The answer is no!

Sincerely,

Ace

то: CC14

RE: Oh Baby, Please Please Me

DATE SENT: March 13, 1999

OK, here are the rules: It has to be all
natural. I'm not leaving sperm samples.
And remember: Don't let my good looks
fool you, writers are crazy. These kids
are going to be getting some fucked-up
genes. And you are no paragon of men-
tal health either, dear heart. I'm not the
‘one who has to live out the consequenc-
es; you are. Think about that. Christ, the
whole idea of this reduces me to a piece
of meat. It's demeaning. You're auda-
cious, babe. You're coming up in the
world. You're like . . . almost totally
amoral. Congrats!

Rocky Balboa

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To: CC14

RE: Lisa

DATE SENT: March 14, 1999

No, I said I could have fallen for Lisa
*at that time*. Things change. I'm not—
look, in light of what's happened, I'm
certainly not going to fall in love with
her, OK? As to who gets fucked first, let's
just play it by ear. I've got to run, I'm
doing a radio interview. San Francisco
has so many good places to eat, but try
and find a parking spot. It can't be
done. LOL.

Yrs,

Frederick J. Flintstone

то: CC14

RE: The Big Day

DATESENT: March 15, 1999

I'm at a computer room over at Stan-
ford killing time before the flight. Four—
well, actually three—chicks came on to
me in Palo Alto. You know the one about
the Polish chick who tried to get ahead
by fucking the scriptwriter? LOL. Pure
power. Anyhow, I declined some true de-
lectables so 1 could get back to my room
and be well rested for tomorrow night. It
made me sick to do it. And then, instead
of sleeping—the couple in the next
room got into a fight and kept me up all
night. Well, ГИ do my very best to get the
job done.

Love,

lago

PS. Give my regards to Lisa. ROFL

10: CC14

ке: Hey There, Big Boy, You Fucked
Our Brains Out

DATE SENT: March 17, 1999

No, dear heart, the both of you fucked
"ту" brains out. LOL. That was a fan-
tastic experience. I think it's Darwinian
or something when you screw with the
intent to have kids. Very affırming. And
her tits were even better than advertised.
Christ! I came six times. What a glorious
night! Thank God we're in Chicago for
two days. I gotta catch up on my sleep.
I'm all fucked out!

Your boy,

Slick

RS. I’m sorry I had to leave the party
so early. ROFL! Heh heh.

то: CC14

RE: Beware the Ides

DATE SENT: March 22, 1999

Shit! Back home with a deadline. That
tour took it all out of me. Woe is Aceman.
I feel vile and I hate everybody in the en-
tire world including myself. Thank God
the scason is over.

Yrs,

Big Daddy

To: CCI4

RE: Bingo!

DATE SENT: May 15, 1999

Both on the same day? Well, you were

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both fucked on the same night; it only
makes sense, doesn't it? І mean, in a
highly improbable way. Anyhow, con-
grats (I guess). If Lisa gives up her prac-
tice to take care of the kids—I mean
*what*? Who is the catcher and who is
the pitcher in this deal? I know shrinks
don't make that much relative to sur-
geons but she has a bold personality. I
figured she would be assertive in bed. I
guess it's none of my business.

Yrs,

Chas. Manson

PS. Screwing Bob just after I left town
was a master stroke. Now you can nail
him for child support. Baby, that's cold.
Way to go. You are truly dedicated in
service to the Master, Lucifer. You may
even be due for a promotion soon. I'm
sensing real hellish evil in you, dear
heart. It's such an adorable quality. Cul-
tivate it.

PPS. How can you be so sure he won't
ask for a DNA test?

то: ССІ4

RE: So Horny I Could Die

DATE SI May 22, 1999

You fucked another young buck! I
didn’t think you were a dedicated dyke.
Inever bought that. Just remember, web
repair. Use your head. If you are now
screwing a hot-piece-of-ass intern on the
floor, be very careful. It's a small town
and an even smaller hospital. Also, do
not change your sex habits with Lisa. If
she finds out, the whole shitting deal will
go down the drain. A med student is not
marriage material, babe. Also, tell me
this: Do guys like dating pregnant wom-
en? The times they are a changin’. In-
deed! Befuddled, 1 must bring myself up
to speed.

Alistair Cooke

то: ССІ4

RE: Ultrasound Confirms It: Girls

DATE SENT: August 5, 1999

Hey, if you guys are happy, I’m happy.
I already told you, | don't plan on being
an active father. I doubt that I will ever
even meet the kids. Don't give me re-
ports. I don't want that kind of involve-
ment. I don't want guilt and I don't want
attachment. Seriously,

Joseph Mengele

то: ССІ4

RE: Caught!

DATE SENT: September 4, 1999

Flagrante delicto, huh? At least Lisa
was cool about it. Remember how vindic-
tive and pissy Bob was? That this guy
is an intern from Salt Lake City is all to
the good. Christ, he's not a fucking
Mormon, is he? Anyhow, Lisa isn't go-
ing to be threatened by a teenybopper.
But isolate your victims and maintain
web repair. And always remember this:
*You* are the center of the universe and
*they* are the satellites. If you hold that
thought, there is no conquest that is be-
yond you. Сооћо, no?

Ace

то: СС14

ке: Retaliation

DATE SENT: September 11, 1999

After the shock wave ofbetrayal wears
off, then comes the anger, babe. Lisa
wanted to get even, that's all. I wouldn't
make too much of it. And listen: You
weren't keeping the web under control,
it’s your own fault.

Hey! What's the deal anyhow—are
guys suddenly into hitting on chicks that
are six months pregnant? Maybe I just
don't know the score anymore. Even an

"More foreplay."

experienced evildoer such as myself has
blind spots and makes mistakes. She'll
come crawling back. Don't you worry,
baby.

PS. I just finished a motherfucker ofa
rewrite job. It was a suck-ass from start
to finish. The producer is always saying,
“Breathe some life into this piece of
shit.” I'm not kidding; this is the most
nonglamorous profession in the world. I
want to get back on the novel.

Johnny Ringo

to: CC14

RE: Encouragement

DATE SENT: October 19, 1999

Thanks babe. It was nice to hear from
you. 1 don't know what the fuck is wrong
with me anymore. I can't think of a
single thing. My skull feels like it's got
rancid malted milk balls rolling around
inside it. 1 put my -357 in the attic in case
1 get the impulse to shoot myself. It takes
so long to get into the attic, I'll think
better of it before 1 get to the pistol. Sui
cide really isn't me in spite of the family
history. Maybe that’s because I'm just a
big chickenshit. Maybe it is the ultimate
act of nobility. Yes, given a moment to
reflect—a breather from the onslaught
of life's travail—and I'm a philosophical
individual.

Used and confused,

Algonquin J. Calhoun

sENT: November 1, 1999

Remember, babe, I actually don't
know Lisa all that well. You were the one
that said she was a dyke. Maybe because
she's pregnant, she hasan urge to have a
husband suddenly. Honestly, she wasn't
that hot of a fuck. I mean, to me it
seemed like 1 was fucking a straight-out
man-hating lesbian. Three-ways seldom
work. They involve too much tension
and jealousy unless everyone is drugged
and drunk out of their minds. Or com-
plete degenerates. Anyhow, Lisa wasn't
into me all that much and—whatever
else you say about me—I'm an experi-
enced lover. Man, then she stands on her
head after І came in her. That was kind
of strange, no? She must really want a
kid to let my greasy lips press against her
own. She wouldn't French. But stan:
on her head? 1 thought 1 had seen
until that one. Don't get jealous again.
(Read a Ben Franklin book and eradi-
cate that emotion from your personal-
ity.) Personally, my guess is that this 15
a temporary thing with her. Most men
don't want to marry a woman carrying
some other guy's kid, you know? This
guy will get sick of her, Im sure of it.
Anyhow, keep me informed. If I didn't
have such high self-esteem and such su-
preme confidence, she would have made
me feel like a reptile. So, fuck her.

Satan

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216

то: CC14

RE: Tears on My Pillow

DATE SENT: November 3, 1999

Heh heh! I told you she was a dyke!
She was just getting even with you and it
got out of hand. That is why it is so es-
sential that you care for and maintain
the wicked web on a daily basis. Lisa is
justa satellite. So don't act overly thrilled
because she cried her heart out to you.
Show some frost.

Yıs,

Duke

PS. How did you give her seven or-
gasms? I mean are you a couple of Chi-
nese acrobats all of a sudden? Do you
use vibrators? Butt plugs? Oral sex with
Altoids? *What?* Let me mention one
other thing: I don't want to introduce
negatives but consider this with an open
mind: You are not а dyke. Not really.
Once the motherhood thing becomes
routine, don't be surprised if you find
yourself pining over some guy. And if
that happens, act with restraint. Ignore
the mood swings and whatnot. You must
always let the head rule above the dic-
tates of the heart if you want to play this
game. Concerned,

Earl, the Duke of

то: ССІ4

Re: Any Day Now

DATE SENT: December 15, 1999

The ninth month is *supposed* to
suck. Quit your goddamn fucking bitch-
ing. Hey, check it out—I think I finally
found the right voice for this fucking
novel. *Finally*!

A

To: СС14
RE: Good оп Ya, Spote!

DATE SENT: December 16, 1909

"Thanks, babe. I *am* a sportin' man.
No doubt about it. And I'm really into
this novel. The work. It’s all about the
*work*. The rest is bullshit. Man, 1 feel
great: This is the best part. The part I
really like. My fingers are scorching
the Keyboard. I'm just a fucking con-
duit now. All the angst is gone. My mind
is clicking at levels unsurpassed. You
might say I'm experiencing my personal
best. But, really, I'm humble. І take no
credit. It all comes from the Holy Spirit
and all the credit belongs to God. That's
no lie. Praised be his name! I'm just his
servant. But shit, I wrote 12,000 words
last night. Fucking great stuff, too. Man!
Таш a genius! Over and Out!

Slim

To: ССІ4

RE: Hannah Marie

DATE SENT: December 21, 1999

Lisa got what she wanted. And your
turn is coming. Shit, 1 can't believe she
cursed *me* through labor. 1 thought
that Lamaze shit was a fad from the
Eighties or something. When it's your
turn, I advisc you to avail yourself of
painkillers, or get a spinal block. Why
suffer needlessly?

Yrs,

Dukester

PS. Do not tell me the kid's name. I
don’t want to know names, remember?
“That was part of the deal. Don't start vi-
olating rules this early in the game. I
know you're a woman and have poor im-
pulse control, but don't fucking do it.
I'm serious.

Duke

то: CC14
RE: 19,000 Words

"You can tell it's cable when а guy says ‘holy shit.

э»

DATE SENT: December 22, 1999

Hey, I'ma genius, what more can I tell
you? Not only that, I've got myselfa new
little baby—you know, a “baby.” LOL.
She's cute as hell. When I feel this good
I have so much confidence I can pick
them up in supermarkets, take them
home and fuck them on the floor while
the ice cream melts in the grocery bag.
Heh heh. Nookie. To get it, you will tell
any lie, do whatever—the feeling of pow-
ег is so incredible. I'm totally stoked. I
have never been so happy in all my life.
It's like the veil has been lifted and I can
suddenly see. Life is grand, babe! I'm a
happy fucking guy.

Yrs,

Hanoi Harry

To: CC14

RE: New Babies

DATE SENT: December: 23, 1999

Hey, babe. *Pissy*? Don't get that way.
It's just pussy. I told you that our threc-
way in Iowa City was all about you. Lisa
was a flop. You were the one. You were
the star. This new stuff is just fool's play.
A diversion. Frivolous folly.

Those ugly things I said a year ago
when you got crazy оп me were in self-
defense. They were calculated to bring
you to your senses. I didn’t “mean” any
Of it. The sex we had before you freaked
out was incredible. We did it like every
night for six months and never missed a
night, as I recall. Are those the actions of
a guy who wasn't turned on? Of a guy
who wasn't absolutely crazy about you?
Come on, Follow the inspiration of Bud-
dha and waketh thou up!

Kung Fuck

P.S. Can't they induce labor? How
overdue are you?

то: ССІ4

RE: 10 Ibs. 9 ounces

DATE SENT: December 28, 1999

Hurrah! It’s over. Cesarean, huh? And
on Christmas day yet. I'm sorry it was so
long, and you had to go through pain
and all, but being born on Christmas has
to be an upper: She will one day piss and
moan because of the presents all com-
ing on the same day, but secretly, she'll
be grateful. It's a very good omen, if
you ask ше. Congrats, doll. I hope this
makes you happy.

Yrs,

Stagger Adam Lee Huxtable

PS. Did you get the check? I know
you're too proud to ask but I got all this
advance money for the new season—for
once Гуе got *too much* money and
since you don't, I wanted you to have it.
You shouldn't go back to work until you
аге strong again, and you shouldn't рші
such long shifts anymore. You have to
learn how to take better care of yourself
now. Pace yourself. I read that a doctor
has a life expectancy of 60 because of the

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PLAYBOY

218

hours they put in. Also, take note: You
already know this, I'm sure, but babies
that weigh over ten pounds often be-
come diabetic. I don't want to sound like
a worrywart, but feed this kid sushi and
don't let either one of the girls get into
junk food when they turn four and see
all the other kids мо пр it down. I'm
really happy for all of you. Really am.
Thanks for not telling me the name. 1
have to go my own way and I don't want
to know the name. Thanks for respect-
ing that.

PS. You didn't name her LaDonna or
Chandelle or some shit like that, did
you? ROFL.

PPS. My own baby (the novel) is now
three-quarters finished. I've got the
voice down and the characters have tak-
en on a life of their own. ГИ just see
where it leads. It's great fun, only they
dont like to print fat books anymore be-
cause of the paper costs. Well, it's too

good not to print. I've gotten so high on
this goddamn book that I know soon I'm
going to get exactly that low. It's some
kind of universal law. I mean, with the
baby—you have hope and joy. You have
unconditional love looking at you. What
а great Christmas present, huh? I was se-
cretly regretting this whole thing until
I got your message today. Now I'm tru-
ly glad. I had a rare unselfish moment.
Carcful there, Асе. The next thing you
know, you be volunteering at soup kitch-
ens. LOL.

Yours, the one and the only,

Aceman

PS. What actually did you name her?
Forget what 1 said about not wanting to
know; 1 want to know.

то: CC14

SUBJECT: Love You Мау, Need You
Badly

DATE SENT: December 31, 1999

“Nice litile boys and girls are fine,
of course, but Santa is an equal opportunity provider and
naughty is remembered too.”

Dear Carol,

Why aren't you answering my mes-
sages? Did your computer crash with the
millennium bug? Total cataclysm isn't
supposed to happen until tomorrow. Are
you OK? What's going on? Your phone
number, 1 see, is hereby unlisted. 1 called
the goddamn hospital —I even called
Bob, who refuses to spill. Does he know
that we fucked seven ways till Sunday?
Did you meet some new guy? Why are
you hiding from me? 1 can't really, іп
all modesty, imagine you met a *neat-
er* guy than me. So what the fuck is go-
ing on? Do I have to fucking drive to
Iowa City and hunt you down? Christ,
baby, you're making me crazy! So what
is up?

Don't think I failed to sense a shift
coming. Actually, I expected you to pull
some shit like this.

I know you, and I know your nature.
You vill be crawling back on your hands
and knees. And that's what really frosts
me. Because as I write this, I'm disgust-
ed with you. In two weeks, I will have
forgotten that you ever existed. And
when you see yourself in my book, when
you see how defily І captured your ра-
thetic essence—then, dear heart, you
will be the one who is devastated, hu-
miliated and utterly destroyed! You will
suffer agonies that you have never imag-
ined—you thought last time was "excru-
ciating”? Baby, you don’t even know the
meaning of the word. You are one stupid
fucking bitch! And you'll find there's
*nothing* you can hit me with. My wife
*read* the book; she knows my proclivi-
ties all too well. You cannot get back at
me this time. I am the victor. In two
mere weeks—14 days—(that's right sug-
ar pie, the clock is already running) you
will be nothing but a long-forgotten
memory. I won't know you anymore.
Two short weeks and you are forever
dead to me. I've got better things to wor-
ry about than your sorry ass. The “поу-
el,” if you dare read it, will fill you with
impotent rage. I held back nothing. Slap
your $24.95 on the table. This whole
thing was a setup, a hustle: Lisa, the ba-
bies—everything. You may ask yourself
why? Why am 1 such an evil cocksucking
bastard? That's a fair question, dear
heart, and the answer is this: Even I
don't know the true extent of my evil ge-
nius. I just am and I revel in what I am.
You want to escape notoriety when it hits
the best-seller list, move to Albania or
whatever. That's right, go ahead—feel
free and just have yourself happy lit
tle New Year's. You know something,
Carol? I hate you and you can suck my
motherfucking dick.

Asalways, 1 remain your obliged hum-
ble servant,

Farouk, King of the Assholes

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PLAYBOY

220

City Girls

(continued from page 160)

Gloria: When a guy sticks a finger up
my ass, І keep my eye on that finger for
the rest of the night and make sure that
baby goes nowhere near my you-know-
what. [70 Flo] Are you good about sepa-
rating that finger? Once you do it to him
are you conscious of where that finger
is going?

Flo: Hell yes!

Gloria: [to Barbara] Are you?

Barbara: No. I stick it in his mouth.

[Flo and Pepper simultaneously squeal,
clap their hands over their mouths, and slide
their seats two feet away from the table.]

Barbara: [Laughing] I'm just kidding.

Pepper: I don't like this conversation.

Barbara: That was a joke!

Flo: I thought you were serious!

Barbara: I don’t generally put my fin-
gers in my own mouth, let alone his.

Gloria: [To Flo and Barbara] Have you
ever had a guy lick your ass, then try to
kiss you?

Flo: I have.

Gloria: What did you say?

Fl Don't kiss me.”

Gloria: But you don't want to come

off as being mean.

Pepper: The guy's going to give you a
hundred diseases!

Barbara: Why is that different from
him going down on you and then kiss-
ing you?

Gloria: There's not as much bacteria
in your vagina as in your ass.

Pepper: I don't let faces go anywhere
near my ass. That's not happening. I
barely let faces go near my face.

Gloria: Once I was having sex with a
guy doggy style, and he had a finger in
my ass. I said, “That feels really good.”
He said, “Do you like it when I play with
your butthole?" and the word butthole
made me crack up. He said no other girl
he'd been with had ever found that word
funny.

Flo: Ass is better.

Gloria: You say ass, though you're
talking about the anus

Flo: Do not call it the goddamn anus
and expect me to have an orgasm.

Pepper: Once you say the word anus,
it's a very long way back to sexy. You
can't say that word and expect me to
get wet.

Flo: What about anal sex? Have you
ever had that?

“Good news, sweetheart—Santa’s decided he doesn't need
me to guide his sleigh tonight."

Pepper: I have, as a favor on his birth-
day. Once. It was not good. It was real-
ly not good. It was painful and it was
also—

Flo: Did he complete the act?

Pepper: No.

Gloria: How deep did he go?

Pepper: 1 didn't measure.

Gloria: I've had a guy go in two inch-
es but I've never had a guy go in alll the
way. I would fucking freak!

Flo: I have.

Gloria: Did you like it?

Flo: No. It takes a long time for them
to open you up so that it’s not painful.

Gloria: Have you done it too?

[Barbara nods.]

Gloria: To the point of him coming?

Barbara: I made him take it out.

Gloria: How can you relax enough?

Flo: You just do. You can. And you
open up. It's amazing. 1 don't mean that
in a good way, but you really open up.

Gloria: Does it feel good?

Pepper: It didn't feel good to me.

Flo: It can if he's stimulating your clit-
oris at the same time. Or if your hand is
reaching down there. Or you have a vi-
brator on your clitoris.

Pepper: If you have all that other stuff
going on while he's in your ass, why does
he need to be in your ass?

Flo: It's tighter

Pepper: For him.

Flo: It’s a giving thing. And also the
mentality of doing something so atro-
cious and dirty and forbidding.

Barbara: That's the appeal for me too:
“Fuck me up the ass."

Gloria: I like that fe den dirty
thing. And guys like it too. That's why
they get so turned on when you're hav-
ing your period.

Pepper: The guys I've been with аге
generally so squeamish that if I have шу
period they don't even want to go near
my vagina.

Barbara: Does that upset you?

Pepper: I totally understand it. I don't.
want to go near my vagina when I have
my period.

Flo: I like sex when I'm on the rag.
I'm in the mood then.

Barbara: I just put down a towel.

Pepper: I don't know about that.

Gloria: Гуе never had it right in the
middle. Usually it's at the beginning or
the end. I put down the towel, but noth-
ing comes out onto it.

Barbara: I've had и really bloody. Like
the shower scene in Carrie.

Flo: Holy shit. That'sa lot of blood,

Barbara: 1 like it. As long as I don't.
have cramps.

Gloria: Orgasms relieve cramps.

Pepper: They also relieve migraines.

Barbara: They re really good for back
pain, too.

Flo: I'm sure they cure cancer. I'm
sure of it. I just have to prove it.

—AMY SOHN

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(continued from page 102)

While the stunned agent fumbled for
words, she let herself in to the inner
sanctum of democracy.

The Secret Service agent listened as
she loudly berated the president for not
calling or writing. She called him all
sorts of names!

Then, it became quiet. Finally, there
were some bumping and gurgling noises
from the president's private study next
to the Oval Office.

At first the Secret Service agent felt
disgusted, like a pimp standing outside a
cheap hotel.

Then, suddenly, he realized: “Hey,
I'm wide awake!”

FIVE TI

NGS ТО TELL CONGRESS, THE
ЛА OR-YOUR WI

(1) “It's a shame/tragedy that so much
attention is being devoted to the fact that
I am a scumbag instead of to more im-
portant issues, like what to do with the
budget surplus.

(2) "Hey, whoa—let's get something
straight: She came on to m

(3) "I don't remember anything in the
oath of office about specifically not Һау-
ing oral sex with the interns."

(4) "Well, if you all feel so darn-tooting
strong about it, may I suggest you add a
line in the blankey-blank oath of office
about it?”

(5) “АП right, already, I get the mes-

sage! Geez Louise!"

CHELSEA MOURNING

Тһе daughter of the president was sob-
bing her heart out one day because her
father's reckless behavior had exposed
her, her mother and the entire country.
to humiliation and ridicule.

Then she read in the paper that 87
people in Pakistan had been Killed in а
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PLAYBOY

224

tape them delivering envelopes to your
staff. It looks bad!

(5) Deny, deny, deny!

(6) Sometimes it’s better to bite your
own lip than to bite the lips of a married
woman.

(7) Just because your steward is Fil-
ipino doesn't mean he's going to enjoy
cleaning up "yucky" messes in the Oval
Office's private study.

(8) If you're going to "fool around”
and make a spectacle of the office, first
make darn sure that the economy is real-
ly humming.

(9) If all else fails, don't give up
hope—the Republican-controlled Con-
gress can always be counted on to screw
up a sure thing.

(10) After you stop being president
and she becomes senator and moves 10
New York, it’s party down!

(11) There is no rule 11!

‘TWO MONKS

Two monks on a image came
across an incredibly beautiful young
woman dressed in a thong bathing suit,
sunning herself on the banks of a river.

"The first monk raped her while the
second monk sat under a tree, quietly
eating an apricot.

Afterward, they resumed their jour-
ney, walking in silence for several miles.

Finally, the first monk broke the si-
lence. He said, “How was the apricot?”

“Excellent!” said the second.

They walked another several miles.
The first monk said, "Aren't you going to
ask me how the girl was?”

“What girl?” said the second monk.

The first monk smiled and said, “Ex-
cellent! Now I don't have to bash in your
head with a rock!”

оџсн:

The president felt a sharp pain in his
chest when ће was presented with the le-
gal bill for getting him off the hook for
lying to the country and disgracing his
office.

“Holy Kamoly!” he exclaimed. “It
would have been a whole heck of a lot
cheaper to practice self-abuse! Or even
worse, to have sex with my wife.”

Everyone in the room laughed, espe-
cially his lawyers. After that, there was an
awkward silence. People looked at their
shoes. Finally one of the lawyers said,
“But then none of us would have been
able to afford new houses!”

“Say—what’s all this religious stuff doing on these

Christmas cards?”

NOW WHAT?

(continued from page 180)
course it would be metal, with all these
third rails around; it couldn't be wood.

A cop took hold of Dortmunder's el-
bow, which made Dortmunder instinc-
tively put his wrists together for the
cuffs, but the cop just wanted to help
him down the stairs and didn't notice the
inappropriate gesture. “Stay off the third
rail,” the cop said, relcasing his elbow.

“Good thought,” Dortmunder said,
and trudged on after the other passen-
gers, down the long smoky dark tunnel,
lit by bare bulbs spaced along the side
walls.

The smoke lessened as they went оп,
and then the platform at Roizak Street
appeared, and yet another cop put his
hand on Dortmunder's elbow, to help
him up the concrete steps to the plat-
form. This time Dortmunder reacted
like an innocent person, or as close to
one as he could get.

A lot of people were hanging around
on the platform; apparently, they want-
ed another subway ride. Dortmunder
walked through them, and just before he
got to the turnstile to get out of here yet
another cop pointed at the bag in his
hand and said, "What's that?"

Dortmunder looked at the bag. It was
much more wrinkled than before and
was blotchily gray and black from the
sooty smoke. “My lunch,” he р

“You don't want to eat that,” the сор
told him, and pointed ata nearby trash
can. “Throw it away, why don't ya?”

“Tell be OK,” Dortmunder told him
“It’s smoked ham.” And he got out of
there before the cop could ask for a taste.

Out on the sidewalk at last, Dort-
munder took deep breaths of Brooklyn
air that had never smelled quite so swect
before, then headed off toward Harmov
Krandelloc, following the directions
he'd been given: two blocks this way, one
block that way, turn right at the corner,
and there's the 11 paddy wagons and
the million cops and the cop cars with all
their flashing lights and thc long linc of
handcuffed guys being marched into the
wagons.

Dortmunder stopped. No cop hap-
pened to be looking in this direction.
He turned smoothly around, not even
disturbing the air, and walked casually
around the corner, then crossed the
street to the bodega and said to the guy
guarding the fruit and vegetable display
outside, “What's happening over there?”

“Let me get you a paper towel,” the
guy said, and he went away and came
back with two paper towels, one wet and
one dry.

Dortmunder thanked him and wiped
his face with the wet paper towel, and it
came away black. Then he wiped his face
with the dry paper towel and it came
away gray. He gave the paper towels

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back and said, “Whats happening over
there?”

“One of those sting operations,” the
guy said, “like you see in the movies. You
know, the cops set up а fake fence oper-
ation, get videotape of all these guys
bringing in their stuff, invite them all to
a party, then they arrest everybody.”

“When did they show up?”

“About ten minutes ago.”

Га have been here, Dortmunder
thought, if it wasn't for the subway fire.
“Thinka that,” he said.

The guy pointed at his bag: “Whatcha
got there?”

“My lunch. It's OK, it's smoked ham.”

“That bag, man, you don't want that
bag. Here, gimme, let me”

He reached for the bag, and Dort-
munder pulled back. Why all this inter-
est in a simple lunch bag? What ever
happened to the anonymous-workman-
with-lunch-bag theory? "It's fine,” Dort-
munder said.

“No, man, it's greasy,” the bodega guy
told him. “It’s gonna soak through, spoil
the sandwich. Believe me, I know this
shit. Here, lemme give you a new bag."

A paddy wagon tore past, behind Dort-
munder's clenched shoulder blades,
siren screaming. So did a second one
Meantime, the bodega guy reached un-
der his fruit display and came out with
a fresh new sandwich-size brown paper
bag. "There's plastic people," he ex-
plained, *and there's paper people, and
1 сап see you're a paper man."

"Right," Dortmunder s;

"So here you go," the guy said, and
held the bag wide open for Dortmunder
to transfer his lunch.

All he could hope was that no brooch
made any sudden leap for freedom
along the way. He opened the original
bag, which in truth was a real mess by
now, about to fall apart and very greasy
and dirty, and he took the paper tow-
el-wrapped sandwich out ofit and put it
in the fresh, crisp, sharp new paper bag,
and the bodega guy gave it a quick twirl
of the top to seal it and handed it over,
saying, “You want a nice mango with
that? Papaya? "Tangelo?”

"No, thanks," Dortmunder said. “1
would, but 1 break out."

"So many people tell me that," the
bodega guy said, and shook his head at
the intractability of fate. "Well," he said,
cheering up, “have a nice day.

A paddy wagon went by, screaming.
“ГИ try to," Dortmunder promised, and
walked away.

No more subways. One burning sub-
way a day was all he felt up to, even if it
did keep him from being gathered up in
that sting operation and sent away to
spend the rest of his life behind bars in
some facility upstate where the food is al-
most as bad as your fellowman.

Dortmunder walked three blocks be-
fore he saw a cab; hang the expense, he

hailed it: “You go to Manhattan?"
'Always been my dream," said the cab-
bie, who was maybe some sort of Arab,
but not the kind with the turban. Or
were they not Arabs? Anyway, this guy
wasn't one of them.

"West 78th Street,” Dorununder said,
and settled back to enjoy a smoke-free,
fire-free, cop-free existence.

“Only thing,” the Arab said,
an Arab. “No eating in the cab.
"I'm not eating,” Dortmunder said.

"I'm only saying," the driver s
account of the sandwich."

"I won't eat it,” Dortmunder prom-
ised him.

"Thank you."

"They started, driving farther and far-
ther from the neighborhood with all the
paddy wagons, which was good, and
Dortmunder said, "Cabbies eat in the
cabs all the time."

"Not in the backseat," the driver s

“Well, no."

"All's the space we can mess up is up
here,” the driver pointed out. "You eat
back there, you spill a pickle, mustard,
jelly, maybe a chocolate chip cookie,
what happens my next customer's a lady
in a nice mink coat?"

"I won't eat the sandwich," Dort-
munder said, and there was no more
conversation.

Dortmunder spent the time trying to
figure out what the guy was, if he wasn't
Arab. Russian, maybe, or Israeli, or pos-
sibly Pakistani. The name by the guy's
picture on the dash was Mouli Mabik,
and who knew what that was supposed
to be? You couldn't even tell which was
the first name.

"Their route took them over the Brook-
lyn Bridge, which at the Manhattan end
drops right next to City Hall and all the
court buildings it would be better not to
have to go into. The cab came down the
curving ramp onto the city street and
stopped at the traffic light among all the
official bi 5, and all at once there
was a pair of plainclothes detectives right
there, on the left, next to the cab, waving
their shields in one hand and their guns
in the other, both of them yelling, “You!
Pull over! Right now!”

Oh, damn it, Dortmunder thought in
sudden panic and terror, they gol me!

‘The cab was jolting forward. It was not
pulling over to the side, it was not obey-
ing the plainclothesmen, it was not deliv-
ering Dortmunder into their clutches.
The driver, hunched very low over his
steering wheel, glared straight ahead out
of his windshield and accelerated like a
jet plane. Dortmunder stared; he’s help-
ing me escape!

Zoom, they angled to the right around
two delivery trucks and a parked hearse,
climbed the sidewalk, tore down it as the
pedestrians leaped every which way to
kirted a fire hydrant, caromed
sightseeing bus, tore on down the

he was

street, made a screaming two-wheeled
left into a street that happened to be
one-way coming in this direction, and
damn near managed to get between the
oncoming garbage truck and the parked
armored car. Close, but no cigar.

Dortmunder bounced into the bullet-
proof clear plastic shield that takes up
most of the legroom in the backseat of a
New York City cab, then stayed there,
hands, nose, lips and eyebrows pasted to
the plastic as he looked through at this
cabbie from Planet X, who, when fin-
ished ricocheting off his steering wheel,
reached under his seat and came up with
a shiny silver-and-black Glock machine
pistol!

Yikes! There might not be much leg-
room back here, but Dortmunder found
he could fit into it very well. He hit the
deck, or the floor, shoulders and knees
all meeting at his chin, and found him-
self wondering if that damn plastic actu-
ally was bulletproof after all.

‘Then he heard cracking and crashing
sounds, like glass breaking, but when he
stuck a quaking hand out, palm up, just
beyond his quaking forehead, there
were no bulletproof plastic pieces rain-
ing down. So what was being broken?

Unfolding himself from this position
was much less easy, since he was much
less motivated, but eventually he had his
spine unpretzeled enough so he could
peek through the bottom of the plastic
ield just in time to watch the cabbie
finish climbing through the windshield
where he'd smashed out all the glass,
and go rolling and scrambling over the
hood to the street.

Dortmunder watched, and the guy got
about four running steps down the
street when his right leg just went out
from under him and he cartwheeled іп a
spiral down to his right, flipping over
like a surfer caught in the Big One, as
the Glock went sailing straight up into
the air, lazily turning, glinting in the
light.

It was a weirdly beautiful scene, the
Glock in the middle of the air. As it
reached its apex, a uniformed cop
stepped out from between two stopped
vehicles, put his left hand out, and the
Glock dropped into it like a trained
parakeet. The cop grinned at the Glock,
pleased with himself.

Now there were cops all over the
place, just as in the recurrent nightmare
Dortmunder had had for years, except
none of these came floating down out of
the sky. They gathered up the former
cabbie, they directed traffic and they
arranged for the garbage truck—which
now had an interesting yellow speed
stripe along its dark green side—to back
up enough so they could open the right
rear cab door and release the passenger.

Who knew he should not look reluc-
tant to be rescued. It's OK if I seem

shaky, he assured himself, and came out 227

PLAYBOY

228

of the cab like a blender on steroids.
“Th-thanks,” he said, which he had nev-
er once said in that dream. "Th-thanks
alot"

“Man, you are lucky,” one of the cops
told him. “That is one of the major bomb-
ers and terrorists of all time. The world
has been looking for that guy for years."

Dortmunder said, “And that's my
luck? Today I hailed his cab?”

The cop asked, “Where'd you hail
him?”

“In Brooklyn.”

“And you brought him to Manhattan?
That's great! We never would've found
him in Brooklyn!”

All the cops were happy with Dort-
munder for delivering this major league
terrorist directly to the courthouse.
They congratulated him and grinned at
him and patted his shoulder and gener-
ally behaved in ways he was not used to
from cops; it was disorienting.

Then one of them said, “Where were
you headed?"

"West 78th Street."

A little discussion, and one of them
said, “We'll go ahead and drive you the

rest of the way."

In a police car? “Мо, no, that’s OK,”
Dortmunder said.

"Least we can do," they said.

They insisted. When a cop insists, you.
go along. "OK, thanks," Dortmunder fi-
nally said.

“This way,” a cop said.

They started down the street, now
clogged with gawkers, and a cop behind
Dortmunder yelled, "Hey!"

Oh, now what? Dortmunder turned,
expecting the worst, and here came the
cop, with the lunch bag in his hand.
“You left this in the cab," he said.

"Oh," Dortmunder said. He was blink-
ing a lot. "That's my lunch," he said.
How could he have forgotten it?

“I figured,” the cop said, and handed
him the bag.

Dortmunder no longer trusted him-
self to speak. He nodded his thanks,
turned away and shuffled after the cops
who would drive him uptown.

Which they did. Fortunately, the con-
versation on the drive was all about the
exploits of Kibam the terrorist —the
name on the hack license was his own,

“Why do you think I call them Santa's little helpers?”

backward—and not on the particulars of
John Dortmunder.

Eventually they made the turn off
Broadway onto 78th Street. Stoon lived
in an apartment building in the middle
of the block, so Dortmunder said, “Let
me out anywhere along here."

"Sure," the cop driver said, and as he
slowed Dortmunder looked out the win-
dow to see Stoon himself walking by, just
as Stoon saw Dortmunder in the back-
scat of a slowing police car.

Stoon ran. Who wouldn't?

Knowing it was hopeless, but having
to try, Dortmunder said, "Here's OK,
this is fine, anywhere along here, this'd
be good,” while the cop driver just kept
slowing and slowing, looking for a spot
where there was a nice wide space be-
tween the parked cars, so his passen-
ger would be able to get to the curb in
comfort.

At last, stopped. Remembering his
sandwich, knowing it was hopeless, un-
able to stop keeping on, Dortmunder
said, “Thanks 1 appreciate it I really do
this was terrific you guys have been —"
until he managed to be outside and
could slam the door.

But he couldn't run. Don't run away
from a cop, it's worse than running away
from a dog. He had to turn and walk, in
stately fashion, rising on the balls of his
feet, showing no urgency, no despair, not
a care in the world, while the police car
purred away down West 78th Street.

Broadway. Dortmunder turned the
corner and looked up and down the
street, and no Stoon. Of course not.
Stoon would probably not come back to
this neighborhood for a week. And the
next time he saw Dortmunder, no mat-
ter what the circumstances, he'd run all
over again, just on general principle.

Dortmunder sighed. There was noth-
ing for it; he'd have to go see Arnie
Albright.

Arnie Albright lived only eleven blocks
away, on 89th between Broadway and
West End. No more modes of trans-
portation for today; Dortmunder didn't
think his nerves could stand it. Holding
tight to the lunch bag, he trekked up
Broadway, and as he waited for the light
to change at 79th Street a guy tapped
him on the arm and said, “Excuse me. Is
this your wallet?"

So here's the way it works. The scam.
artist has two identical wallets. The first
one bas a nice amount of cash in it, and
ID giving a name and phone number.
The scam artist approaches the mark,
explains he just found this wallet on the
sidewalk, and the two inspect it. They
find a working pay phone—not always
the easiest part of the scam—and call
that phone number, and the “owner” ап-
swers and is overjoyed they found the
wallet. If they wait right there, he'll come

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PLAYBOY

e the wallet and give them a hand-
some reward (usually $100 to $500). The
scam artist then explains he's late for an
important appointment, and the mark
should give him his half of the reward
now ($50 to $250) and wait to collect
from the owner. The mark hands over
the money, the scam artist gives him the
second wallet, the one with all the dollar-
size pieces of newspaper in it, and the
mark stands there on the corner awhile.

"Excuse me. Is this your wallet?”

Dortmunder looked at the wallet
“Yes,” he said, plucked it out of the scam.
artists hand, put it in his pocket and
crossed 79th Street.

“Wait! Wait! Hey!”

On the north corner, the scam artist
caught up and actually tugged at Dort-
munder’s sleeve. “Hey!” he said.

Dortmunder turned to look at him.
“This is my wallet,” he said. “You got a
problem with that? You wanna call a
cop? You want me to call a cop?”

The scam artist looked terribly, terri-
bly hurt. He had beagle eyes. He looked
as though he might cry. Dortmunder, a
man with problems of his own, turned
away and walked north to 89th Street
and down the block to Arnie Albright's
building, where he rang the bell in the
vestibule.

“Now what?” snarled the intercom.

Dortmunder leaned close. He had nev-
er liked to say his own name out loud
“Dortmunder,” he said.

“Who?”

“Cutit out, Arnie, you know who it is.”

“Oh,” the intercom yelled, “Dortmun-
der! Why didn't ya say so?"

The buzzer, a more pleasant sound
than Arnie's voice, began its song, and
Dortmunder pushed his way in and
went up to Arnie’s apartment, where
Arnie, a skinny, wiry ferret in charity
cast-off clothing, stood in the doorway.
“Dortmunder,” he announced, “you
look as crappy as I do.”

Which could not be accurate. Dort-
munder was having an eventful day, but
nothing could make him look as bad as
Arnie Albright, even normally, and when
Dortmunder got a little closer he saw
Arnie was at the moment even worse
than normal. “What happened to you?"
he asked.

“Nobody knows,” Arnie said. “The lab
says nobody's ever seen this in the tem-
perate zones before. I look like the in-
side of a pomegranate.”

This was true. Arnie, never a hand-
some specimen, now seemed to be cov-
ered by tiny red Vesuviuses, all of them
oozing thin red salsa. In his left hand he
held a formerly white hand towel, now
wet and red, with which he kept patting
his face and neck and forearms.

“Geez, Arnie, that's terrible,” Dortmun-

230 der said. “How long you gonna have it?

What's the doctor say?”
“Don't get too close to me.”
“Don't worry, I won't.”
“No, I mean that’s what the doctor

says. Now, you know and I know that

nobody can stand me, on accounta my
personality.”

“Aw, no, Arnie,” Dortmunder lied,
though everybody in the world knew it
was true. Arnie’s personality, not his new-
ly erupting volcanoes, were what had
made him the last resort on Dortmun-
der's list of fences.

“Aw, yeah,” Arnie insisted. “I rub peo-
ple the wrong way. I argue with them,
Pm obnoxious, I’m a pain in the ass. You
wanna make something of it?”

“Not me, Arni

“But a doctor,” Arnie said, “isn't sup-
posed to like or not like, He's got that
hypocritic oath. He's supposed to lie and
pretend he likes you, and he’s real glad
he studied so hard in medical school so
he could take care of nobody but you.
But, no. My doctor says, ‘Would you
mind staying in the waiting room and
Just shout to me your symptoms?”

“Huh,” Dortmunder said.

“But what the hell do you care?” Ar-
nie demanded. “You don't give a shit
about me.”

“Well,” Dortmunder said.

“So if you're here, you scored, am I
right?"

“Sure.”

“Sure,” Arnie said. "Why else would
an important guy like you come to а turd
like me? And so І also gotta understand
Stoon's back in the jug, am I right?”

“No, you're wrong, Arnie,” Dortmun-
der said. "Stoon's out. In fact, I just saw
him jogging."

“Then how come you come to me?"

“He was jogging away from me,” Dort-
munder said.

"Well, what the hell, come on in," Ar-
nie said, and got out of the doorway.

“Well, Arnie,” Dortmunder said, “may-
be we could talk it over out here.”

“What, you think the apartment's
contagious?”

“I'm just happy out here, that's all.”

Arnie sighed, which meant that Dort-
munder got a whiff of his breath. Step-
ping back a pace, he told him, “I got
something.”

“Or why would you be here. Let's
see it.”

Dortmunder took the paper towel-
wrapped package out of the paper bag
and dropped the bag on the floor. He
unwrapped the paper towels and tucked
them under his arm.

Arnie said, “What, are you delivering
for a deli now? ГИ give you a buck and
half for it."

“Wait for it," Dortmunder advised. He
dropped the top piece of Wonder Bread
on the floor, along with much of the
mayo and the top slab of ham. Using the
paper towels, he lifted out the brooch,

then dropped the rest of the sandwich
on the floor and cleaned the brooch with
the paper towels. Then he dropped the
paper towels on the floor and held the
brooch up so Arnie could see it, and said,
"OK?"

“Oh, you got it,” Arnie said. "1 been
seeing it on the news."

“In the News.”

“On the news. The TV.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Let's have a look,” Arnie said, and
took a step forward.

Dortmunder took a step back. It had
occurred to him that once Arnie had
inspected this brooch, Dortmunder
uldn’t be wanting it back. Не said,
he newspaper says that it’s worth
$300,000."

“The newspaper says Dewey defeats
Truman,” Arnie said. “The newspaper
says sunny, high in the 705. The newspa-
per says informed sources report. The
news——"

“OK, OK. But I just wanna be sure
we're gonna come to an agreement
here.”

“Dortmunder,” Arnie said, “you know
me. Maybe you don't want to know me,
but you know me. I give top dollar, I
don't cheat, I am 100 percent reliable. 1
don't act like a normal guy and cheat
and gouge, because if I did, nobody
would ever come to see me at all. I have
to be a saint, because I’m such a shit.
‘Toss it over."

“OK,” Dortmunder said, and tossed it
over, and Arnie caught it in his revolting
towel. Whatever he offers, I'll take, Dort-
munder thought.

While Arnie studied the brooch,
breathing on it, turning it, Dortmunder
looked in his new wallet and saw it con-
tained a little over $300 cash, plus the
usual ID plus a lottery ticket. The faking
of the numbers on the lottery ticket was
pretty well done. So that would have
been the juice in the scam.

“Well,” Arnie said, “these diamonds
аге not diamonds. They're glass."

"Glass? You mean somebody conned
the movie star?"

“I know that couldn't happen,” Arnie
agreed, "and yet it did. And this silver
isn't silver, it's plate."

In his heart, Dortmunder had known
it would be like this. All this effort, and
zip. "And the green things?" he said.

Arnie looked at him in surprise.
“They're emeralds,” he said. “Don't you
know what emeralds look like?”

“I thought I did," Dortmunder said.
“бо it's worth something, after all.”

“Not the way it is," Arnie said. “Not
with its picture all over the news. And
not with the diamonds and silver being
nothing but shit. Somebody's gotta pop
the emeralds out, throw away the rest of.
it, sell the emeralds by themself.”

“For what?”

“I figure they might go for 40 apiece,”

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Arnie said.
ping them

"Arnie," Dortmunder said, “what are
we talking here?"

Arnie said, “I could go seven. You
wanna try around town, nobody else is
gonna give you more than five, if they
even want the hassle. You got a famous
thing here."

Seven. He'd dreamed of 30, he would
have been happy with 25. Seven. “ГИ
take it,” Dortmunder said.

Arnie said, "But not today.”

“Not today?”

“Look at me,” Arnie said. “You want
me to hand you something?”

“Well, no.”

“I owe you seven,”Arnie said. "If this
shit I got don't kill me, I'll pay you when
1 can touch things. ГЇЇ phone you."

A promissory note—not even a note,
nothing in writing—from a guy oozing
salsa. "OK, Arnie," Dortmunder said.
"Get well soon, you know?"

Arnie looked at his own forearms.
“Maybe what it is," he said, “is my per-
sonality coming out. Maybe when it's
over ІЛІ be a completely different guy.
Whaddya think?"

"Don't count on it,” Dortmunder told
him.

"But there's the cost of pop-

Well, at least he had the $300 from the
wallet scam. And maybe Arnie would
live; he certainly seemed too mean to die.

Heading back to Broadway, Dortmun-

der started the long walk downtown—no
more things on wheels, not today—and
at 86th Street he saw that a new edition
of the New York Post was prominent on
the newsstand on the corner. JER-FELICIA
SPLIT was the front-page headline. That,
apparently, in the New York Post's estima-
tion, was the most important North
American news since the last time Don-
ald Trump had it on or off with some-
body or other.

What the hell; Dortmunder could
splurge. He had $300 and a promise. He
bought the paper, just to see what had
happened to the formerly loving couple.

He had happened, essentially. The loss
of the pin (brioche, brooch) had hit the
lovers hard. “It's in diversity you real-
ly get to know another person,” Felicia
was reported as saying, with a sidebar
in which a number of resident experts
from NYU, Columbia and Fordham
agreed, tentatively, that when Felicia had
said diversity she had actually meant
adversity.

“I remain married to my muse,” Jer
was quoted as announcing. "It's back to
the studio to make another film for my
public.” No experts were felt to be need-
ed to explicate that statement.

Summing it all up, the Post reporter
finished his piece, “The double-emerald
brooch may be worth $300,000, but no
опе seems to have found much happi-
ness in it.” I know what you mean, Dort-
munder thought, and walked home.

“No screwups this year, Frankie.
The ones on this list get a fruitcake. The ones on
this list get whacked.”

SEX
(continued from page 43)

man was a pleasant-looking guy in his
30s, the woman something of a knock-
out, with blonde hair, a suspiciously ti-
ny nose and buoyant class-A boobs that
she proudly displayed (her towel was
wrapped around her waist). We asked
what brought them here: The man,
from Ohio, said, “Where else but New
York can you find this kind of sophisti-
cated club?” His ladyfriend revealed that
she was a doctoral candidate in human
sexuality and was here “on research.”
Mm-hmm.

They left us to go check out the Party
Room, but came back minutes later, re-
porting that they had been weirded out
by the fat man lying next to them. They
were going back to their cubicle and in-
vited us to come hang out.

Thinking it might provide that elusive
turn-on, we took them up on the invita-
tion. But the spectacle the second time
around was no more sensual than the
first: a way-too-close view of his slapping
balls and her legs sticking up like anten-
nae. After a while I left and sat down on
a bench on the other side of their cubi-
de, dejected. |. followed.

This was a low point. We felt like the
loser kids at camp, unable to have fun at
the dance or join in any reindeer games.
We'd been there barely an hour, and 1
was content to just finish off my Паг
Sprite and call ita swing. Were we fail-
ures as sexual adventurers? We looked
at each other: No, damn it! Ј. took me
firmly by the hand, and we sirode off to
conquer new worlds.

We had sex. Well, as they say, When in
Gomorrah. . . . It was in one of the pri-
vate rooms, with our towels strategically
placed to avoid contact with the single
sheet. Disco music was piped into the
room, along with spiraling cries of plea-
sure from, we imagined, the large wom-
an we'd seen getting eaten in the Party
Room above us—when the thumping of
her buttocks caused the music to short-
circuit in our room. |. and I erupted іп
helpless laughter. if the earth didn't
move, at least the ceiling did.

Pride restored, we went back to the
Party Room for another look. Things
were cooking. A spiral staircase that we
hadn't noticed before was jammed with
naked bodies. We got in line to see what
the big attraction was. At the top of the
stairs, positioned so you couldn't avoid
them, a naked woman was on her knees.
giving a blow job to a burly guy with
Crossed arms and a defiantly bored ex-
pression on his face. We slid past them to
join a posse of huge old bearded Euro-
peans with thin young women crowding
the entrance to a doorless cubicle. We
tried to sneak in for a look, but the at-
traction was over, and a stream of people
emptied out of the tiny space.

We went back downstairs to the mat

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floor, where it was time for the look-at-
me-Ma-P'm-fucking show. About 15 cou-
ples were on display, and we watched al-
most as if it were a horse race and we
were trying to pick the winners. There
were two couples screwing side by side,
doing the only swinging we had wit-
nessed. This involved lackluster groping
of the tits next door by both men, One
guy, middle-aged and paunchy, clearly
imagined himself a Dirk Diggler. Unfor-
tunately, he had an average-sized pecker
and the face of Ron Jeremy. He was tak-
ing an attractive blonde from behind,
one hand gripping her butt and the oth-
er pulling her hair. The other guy had
his woman grinding on top of him,
working, working, as he lay there and
stared at the tits of the blonde. “There's
gratitude for you!" I whispered to J.

Just then, the blow job couple came in.
"The woman had frosted hair, a fit body
and a slighily haggard face (no wonder).
Her sulking companion lay down on the
mat in a "do me" position. She obedient-
ly followed, prostrating herself between
his legs. It was then I noticed that she
was wearing athletic tube socks and
clutching a water bottle. You're going to
need that, I thought.

Shortly thereafter we left the Party
Room and Le Trapeze, and went ош,
g. into the night, avoiding the oily
How'd you like it?" from some guy out
front as we gratefully jumped into a cab.

But the truth is, neither our fondest
fantasies nor my apocalyptic fears had
come to pass. The club was а laid-back,
nonthreatening place where, as far as
we saw, people went to watch and be
watched more than swing, and where
they enjoyed their own version of good
clean fun. As for us, we'd managed to
cross the Maginot Line of bourgeois ac-
ceptability, were proud of our derring-
do and knew we could always command
hushed attention at a dinner party by те-
lating our adventure.

Among the few friends we've told, the
most frequently asked questions are:
Does the place have condoms? (Yes, free,
in a glass bowl; some people use them,
some don't.) How often do they change
the sheets? (Not often enough.) Every-
one sounded disappointed at the lack of
full-contact, abandoned swinging, and
probably none of them will ever set foot
in а swing club.

The sexual Shangri-la of our fantasies
remains elusive, but J. and I came away
realizing that watching normal folk have
sex is neither shocking nor threatening.
Alan King tells a joke in which he is star-
ed by the sight ofa strange man mount-
ing his spouse. He gasps, "Who is that fat
bald Jew screwing my wife?” If we ever
again want to witness two ordinary peo-
ple getting it оп, we'll just follow his ех-
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ا 238

T DUKE
(continued from page 142)

of target marketing, I had my music
Music for teenagers. It's all you heard on
the radio. You played it and you danced
to it. Duke Ellington was considered
old—actually, to the few of my peers who
had ever even heard of him, he was an-
cient. His was Geritol music, ballroom
dancing music, big band music, stuff
from the swing era. I could have seen
him when I played the New Orleans Jazz
and Heritage Festival in 1970, when I
was nine. (To be honest, I didn’t play so
much as I held my horn and tried to
look as if I were playing.) He was there
too, but no way was I hip enough to go
hear him. Even if I had, I wouldn't һауе
been able to appreciate it, because my
tastes weren't developed to the point of
listening to a musician of his age, let
alone really hearing him.

But years later, when I was in New
York, a writer friend of mine, Stanley
Crouch, came to my house and left a
Smithsonian collection of Duke Elling-
ton recordings. That was back when
people had LPs, and this set contained
six or seven records. I began listening to
it every day, and at each new song I
would think, Damn, I didn’t know Duke
Ellington did that, He did innovative
things in the Thirties that I thought had
been achieved only by musicians of the
Sixties. There were also technical things
1 didn’t even know were a part of the art
of jazz—like a certain way of writing
counterpoint from New Orleans horn
polyphony, or using blues dissonance to
make the music groan and holler, or ap-
plying quick, interesting modulations
and conception of form to construct long
compositions. Yes, that Smithsonian col-
lection, with insightful musical analysis
by Gunther Schuller, made me realize
that Duke was more than just a name, or
somebody who wore beautiful suits and
had a bevy of fine women

Ellington combined different styles,
embraced music from all over the world
without fear and wrote about many as-
pects of human interaction that had nev-
er found their way to a ledger line. As
Crouch likes to say, from the outhouse to
the penthouse—and, I would like to
add, from caviar to the chitlin switch.
Duke was something. He revered origi-
nality and helped create American music
as we now know it.

Man, Duke wrote so much bad shit, it’s
unbelievable. He recorded about 800 al-
bums. Eight hundred. Even if you record-
ed 800 sad LPs, that would be an achieve-
ment. But each one of his records sounds
better than the last one you heard, and
you were already overwhelmed.

Some so-called experts have looked at
his life and have come up with all kinds
of theories about why he was able to do
what he did. They say because Duke
Ellington's mom said he was great, that

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made him believe it. They say he had an
upper-middle-class upbringing and thus
had a sense of hierarchy, in which he was
at the top of the food chain. They said he
was lucky enough to have a great band
that was responsible for the high quali-
ty of his music. Don’t be fooled by the
bull. The truth is, Duke created himself.
When he was up late at night, writing
those millions of pieces of music—there
was nothing in his upbringing that
would make him want to do that much
work. Writing music is fun and all, but at
a certain point it's work, too. It's just like
playing ball: You might like to run, but
by the time you get to the fourth quarter,
your legs start telling you to sit down.
With music, your back, mind and con-
centration love to tell you what to do.
Writing music is much harder than it
looks. The mountain of music that Duke
wrote represents pure desire. And will
and perseverance.

Duke Ellington was innovative, but he
wasn't just innovative. He was a great
craftsman. He didn't just invent one sig-
nature style and repeat it ad nauseam.
And he didn't try to separate himself
from his signature styles, either. He con-
tinued to write great music, in his style,
for 50 years. He wrote so much good
music it's difficult for me to select the
best ones, but ГИ just name a few pieces
from throughout his career: Black and
Tan Fantasy (from the early days), Mood
Indigo (the first great blue mood piece
he composed), Caravan (which he wrote
with Juan Tizol). And in the late Thirties
and early Forties, his work with the band
that featured Jimmy Blanton and Ben
Webster produced masterpieces like Cot-
ton Tail and Ko-Ko (a great minor blues),
The Flaming Sword (with rhythms that in-
fluenced a lot of Afro-Hispanic music).
And there are his beautiful ballads, of
course: Sophisticated Lady and In a Senti-
mental Mood (the classic Ellington hits),
Take the A Train (a Billy Strayhorn com-
position, but it became Duke's theme
song), Rockin’ in Rhythm (a composition
that codifies a lot of the most expressive
devices of the swing era) and Creole Rhap-
sody (his first real long piece on record,
which led to Black, Broun and Beige and
The Tattooed Bride, a masterpiece). And
then in the Fifties came the Harlem suite,
which was commissioned by Arturo Tos-
canini and is in my estimation Duke's
greatest long-form piece. He embraced
the world with such albums as Midnight
in Paris, The Far East Suite, The Latin Amer-
ican Suite and the Afro-Eurasian Eclipse
suite. Yeah. And that was before We Are
the World and the Internet

He wrote more new music than any-
body but always continued to play his
earlier compositions. Unlike many 20th
century artists, he didn't fall victim to the
constant quest for the new, the novel.
You never saw him trying to appeal to
younger people by doing things that
make older people look foolish and out

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of style. Some grandfather or father
might go out and get psychedelic pants
or try to speak the slang of the day. Duke
didn't do that. Ata certain point, many
jazz musicians wanted to imitate rock
musicians, so they put on strange glasses
and wore crazy clothes, playing loud-ass
electronic music and saying all kinds of
dumb shi interviews. Duke Ellington
didn't do that. That's not to say he didn't
use rock beats—he did, but he heard
rock as a type of music, not as a way to
prove his hipness or woo the young.

Duke's perseverance was rewarded at
the 1956 Newport Jazz Festival, where
he played Diminuendo and Crescendo in
Blue, опе of his blues masterpieces from
1937. The crowd was whipped into a
frenzy, and Duke's career received a
much-needed boost. But he didn't have
to compromise his identity to succeed.
In the 20th century, even certain masters
of European tradition turned their backs
on themselves in search of recognition
for creating a new philosophy, a new
this, a new that, supposedly to push mu-
sic forward. But the funny thing is, you
don't push music forward or backward.
You just play it or write it. Duke Elling-
ton did both.

As a musician, here's how I look at it:
Ivs as if we were all speaking in little
phrases, in grunts, but we weren't real-
ly communicating. And then someone
stepped forward and spoke clearly,
teaching us how to speak. Duke not only
taught us how to speak—he showed us
how to express ourselves as well.

There were great jazz musicians be-
fore him, such as Jelly Roll Morton, but
Duke Ellington was the first who was ca-
pable of understanding the implications
of the many different styles of music that
existed in our country. He heard what
everyone was playing, and he under-
stood what they wanted to play. He for-
mulated a language and codified it—the
musical language of America. But in ad-
dition to that, he realized things about
the people who would speak the lan-
guage. He made technical innovation:
yes, but he also had a depth of percep-
tion into the human condition possessed
by few people in the history of art.

When we finally start to understand
ourselves and the art of this century, we
will recognize that the closest compar-
ison to Duke Ellington’s achievement
would be that of Homer. The Iliad and
The Odyssey codified the language of the
ancient Greeks, and those works served
as а wellspring of mythic information
that gave inspiration to generations of
artists after Homer. And, at the same
time, they gave the people of Greece an
objective image of who they were. That's
what Duke did. He laid и out there, for
us to discover who we really are. And he
also told us that when we finally discover
that, it’s a wonderful thing.

Light one up,
let it bring out the Playboy
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PLAY

242

SEX STARS

(continued from page 148)
out straight hairdos and new technolo-
gy stocks are outperforming the blue
chips.

You want news? This year Latin was
the loving tongue. We're standing be-
hind Jennifer Lopez no matter what
slamming Salma Hayek has to say. One
more “misquoted” crack about how Lo-
pez isn't Spanish enough, and we're go-
ing to tae-bo Hayek's butt. Judging from
the effects the exercise program has
had on Lopez' celebrated posterior, that
wouldn't be half bad. Also, note the pic-
ture of Ricky Martin. Apparently he's
the kind of guy who makes girls go crazy.
Not much we can do about him—he's
blessed with stellar genes. If there is a
lesson here for the regular guy, it's that
unchecked enthusiasm can dignify even
the silliest dance moves.

Liz Hurley. She plays spanking games
with blue bloods. She wears Versace safe-
ty-pin dresses. She pops up everywhere
half naked and doesn't seem to have
much of a job other than turning us on.
Then there's her sex-star boyfriend,
Hugh Grant. Not only did Hurley ride
out the Divine Brown thing, she stuck by
Grant even after he made Nolting Hill.
On top of it all, she's British. You just
Know this lady's kinky.

Here's the question of the century:
Would Shania Twain look sexy if she
took off her clothes? We'll never know.
She makes us long for the days when
country stars teased their hair, not their
audience. While Twain's sex-laden vid-
eos give us hope, her husband is some

kind of mastermind producer who is
probably not into sharing. Which is why
we love Julia Roberts, even though she
scems to have weaned herself off shlumps
by hooking up with that Law and Or-
der guy. She even appeared on his televi-
sion show for a ratings and relationship
boost.

Catherine Zeta-Jones has been in a
few movies this year. Which ones? Who
cares? She tamed Michael Douglas, a
self-described sex addict, long enough to
have him pose for a few pictures with
her. That's sex-star qualification enough.
1f Douglas hangs around, you know
that she has something good going on.
Keri Russell, star of Felicity, has us wor-
ried that she doesn't understand what
brought her to this sexy state: She went
and cut her hair. We'll see if she makes
next year's list. On the other hand,
Heather Kozar, PMOY 1999, went for
the bob and got us hook, line and sinker.
Since she came along, PLAYBOY parties
haven't been the same. Just ask George
Clooney.

Sophie Marceau is cute and French.
In fact, she's forever been young and
French. That's the way they build them
over there, In the new Bond flick, The
World 18 Not Enough, Marceau sits down
and treats Pierce Brosnan like a Chip-
pendale chair—a complete wax job.
Brosnan makes this year's cut because he
runs better than Roger Moore and has
neater chest hair than Sean Connery.
His 1999 hit list is impressive. As Bond
he nabbed Denise Richards, and in The
Thomas Crown Affair he submitted to Re-
ne Russo, Let's break it down: Richards
went crazy cuckoo with Neve Campbell

т NOT
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and Matt Dillon in Wild Things. Then, in
¡ant career move, she wore
Mount Rushmore on her head as a beau-
ty pageant contestant in Drop Dead Gor-
geous. Thankfully, she redeemed herself
by scoring with 007. At 45 years old, Rus-
so has twice the experience of a girl half
her age. The inside scoop had Rene
studying with a dominatrix to help her
project a sense of dominant sexuality. It
was an enticing story until pictures of the
dominatrix surfaced. Let's just say she
had twice the experience of Russo. Must
haye been the same lady Tom Cruise
studied under for his role in Stanley
Kubrick's psychosexual snorer, Eyes Wide
Shut. You just know Nicole Kidman
doesn't let him treat her like that in real
life. However, her nude scenes ex-
plained why she received all those stand-
ing ovations for her flashy Broadway hit,
The Blue Room.

As if her name weren't hard enough to
pronounce (think romaine lettuce), now
we have to call the hottest model of the
year by her hyphenated last name, Re-
becca Romijn-Stamos. Her husband is
actor John “not so famous” Stamos, a
guy whom we envy every time she talks
about walking around her house naked.
As payback, we left him out of the picto-
rial. Ditto her fictional beau from Just
Shoot Me, David Spade. Romijn-Stamos
possesses the century's most captivating
isthmus of body flesh—the beautiful ex-
panse between nookie and navel that
we prefer to think of as lapland.

Caprice is next year's hottest model.
She, too, is built of sturdy Teutonic
plates. She's on the cover of all the
British lad magazines and is big in Eu-
rope—we would guess about a С cup.
Laetitia Casta, another bikini wonder,
was the reason that this year's Internet
broadcast ofthe Victoria's Secret runway
show crashed the site. Sensory overload,
you know. Cameron Diaz distanced һег-
self even further from her modeling past
with an unadorned role in Being John
Malkovich—as if that would scare us ОН.
Our own Playmate model Nikki Schie-
ler (а.К.а. Mrs. lan Ziering) is currently
posing with prizes on The Price Is Right.
Nice move, Nikki

Here comes the Pam Anderson para-
graph. It was a lot longer, but then we
had it reduced. Two somethings about
Pammy: She had her bust rejiggered,
and her bodyguard series, И.Р, took
ofF—but not necessarily in that order.
Oh, and she got back together with Tom-
my Lee.

Speaking of sequels, we're guessing.
you wouldn't mind going a few more
rounds with Mia St. John, the female
boxer who shed her briefs for us last
month. In the other corner we have Re-
na Mero, the character formerly known
as Sable. Mero did two bouts with
PLAYBOY and took on the WWF by bitch-
slapping Vince McMahon and Company
with a lawsuit. Still, she had time to pose

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silence, please.

Did you know that Sean Connery was
named sexiest man of the century by
New Woman? “That's what һе gets for out-
lasting his old school chum, Strom Thur-
mond. But be fair—he more than held
his own with a latex-and-lasered Cath-
erine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. Oddly
enough, Will Smith was the sexiest star
to survive the Wild Wild West. (Take that,
Salma! From Jennifer, with love.) Even
odder, Disney's Tarzan was a notable ex-
ample of the repressed religious right's
ability to go ape over sex. Thanks to the
up, down, up, down position of the hand
on the Tarzan toy doll, uptight parents
heard something sinister in the all-too-
familiar yodel of jungle boy. Working the
less-traveled path from cartoon charac-
ter to human, Nell McAndrew took on
modeling duties as Tomb Raider's Lara
Croft. Then she shed the role and every
stitch of her clothes in an adventurous
PLAYBOY pictorial. Now, that's taking it to
the next level.

Angelina Jolie was a delightful sur-
prise twice over. The daughter of Jon
Voight turned the cable sleeper Gia
(about a supermodel turned stupormod-
el) into an event. Then she casually men-
tioned that she was bisexual. What does
she do for an encore? We would pose the
same question to another cable-ready
start, Halle Berry. She reminded us of
how well her ex-husband, Indian slug-
ger David Justice, played the field. She
also reignited our jones for the pioneer-
ing actress she portrayed in Introduc-
ing Dorothy Dandridge. Ah, the joys of
rebroadcasts.

Heather Graham and Charlize Ther-
on touched down in our world last year,
and they're keeping it up this year. Ed-
die Murphy couldn't handle Graham's
astounding body in Bowfinger and we
doubt we could, either. All we're looking
for is the chance to fail. There's a good
possibility that Theron is going to tor-
ment us for years. The Astronaut's Wife is
her latest star vehicle. We're looking for-
ward to the ride.

Since today is the first day of the next
year of sex stars, we might as well look to
the treats ahead. Showing potential—
and a whole lot more—are American
Beauty's Mena Suvari, Wasteland's Rebec-
ca Gayheart, The Beach's Virginie Ledoy-
en and our favorite woman of a certain
age, Being John Malkovich's Catherine
Keener. Also, Brad Pitt looks like a
knockout in Fight Club. As for sex-star
slippage, we have more questions than
answers. We'll leave you with a few: Why
are the Friends girls looking more and
more like Calista Flockhart? Who ever
thought Leelee Sobieski was hot? What
happened to Christina Applegate? And
why doesn't Cokie Roberts return our

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PLAYBOY

PLAYMATE 2000

(continued from page 162)
you crisscross North America searching
for undiscovered beauty.

We used this method to meet and pho-
tograph thousands of women. Typically,
between 75 and 150 candidates posed
each day, and in some cities, such as
Toronto, Vancouver and Houston, hun-
dreds showed up. Thousands more sent
us their photos. Obviously, most of those
women won't be featured in the maga-
zii ме have to run articles once іп a
while—but we would like to thank every-
one who took the time to pose. God has
truly blessed both the U.S. and Canada,
and sometimes you realize that only
when everyone gets naked.

"This pictorial includes a small sample
of the women we met on the road. You
have no idea how difficult it was to
choose, which is why, in the future, you'll
be seeing many more women discovered
during the search. We've already select-
ed a number of Playmates, including
some of the women presented here, but
we'll keep that a surprise. A month into
the tour, when the bus reached Austin,
Texas, we visited the crew to check for
signs of babe overload (everyone seemed
to be fine, and Hef later noted that babe
overload isn't possible). We also asked
crew members for their thoughts on the
experience. "This wasn't, after all, your
typical cross-country road trip.

Leif Ueland, online reporter

The bus has definitely changed me.
Now I talk about things I never would
have talked about. I was hanging out
with an ex-girlfriend and we got into an
argument about bra size. She said she's a
B cup but I said she's a C cup. Where did
that come from?

One thing I've learned is that some
people truly are photogenic. Another
thing is that women like to take off their
clothes, to feel sexy, to have their photos
taken, but they need permission. That's
why you see these lines outside the bus.
This woman in Portland, she was on fire.
Something clicked. 1 asked ІҒІ could

snap a few photos for the Playboy Cyber
Club, and she agreed. That's when I
started thinking out loud, and as she
posed I blurted ош, “Oh yeah, that’s it."
The photo editor looked at me fun-
ny and I realized what I had said and
covered my mouth. It was a reflex. I'm
sorry.

Т could fall in love here, but the cycle is
so quick. You mect a beautiful girl, and
then she leaves. What's interesting is that
some of these women's lives will change
profoundly. You know it, but they don't
know it. I'll hang out with them and
think, I hope you're ready.

Nadine Ekrek, publicist

You see how comfortable these women
are with their bodies and their sexuality
and you have to admire them for that.
Occasionally, a woman who has real star
quality comes aboard. You recognize it
almost immediately; there's something
about her personality, how she carries
herself. We call it “the long burn.”

In one city a reporter said to me, “I’m
going to be honest with you. I came
here to write about tall, blonde bimbos.”
I told her it wasn’t like that at all. “We
see all types of women, including your
type. Why don't you audition?” She
walked out of that studio giggling like a
schoolgirl.

Eddie Sheehan, security

In one city we had a guy show up ina
bikini. He said he lost a golf bet. 1 don’t
know about that.

Kevin Kuster, photo editor

Many women think we're after those
big fake boobs and four-inch heels and
tight T-shirts, But there's no formula.
The last girl who caught my eye had on
a frumpy shirt and jeans. What's sad is,
some women get boob jobs because they
think, This is all that's missing. But that's
rarely it.

Jim Myers, driver

I've been driving a bus for a good
many years, and I've been stopped by
the police maybe twice. In the first week.
I drove this bus, with these huge Rabbit
Heads on the side, I was pulled over six
times, I'm never speeding, and I never

get a ticket. Instead, the officer takes my
license and registration and asks. “So,
what's all this?" They're curious, like
everyone. The truckers go crazy. They
hoot and holler into the CB and ask how
many Playmates are on the bus. You
think I'm going to tell them it's just me
and Eddie? It would break their hearts. I
tell them all the Playmates arc sleeping.

Leif Ueland

I love to meet women who break ste-
reotypes. One curvy blonde worked as a
guard at an Army prison. We found that
Out because she was hoarse from yelling
at prisoners. She said she yells, “What
are you looking at? You think you're go-
ing to fuck me? Think again!” She had
been trained in psychological warfare.
She hopes to become a drill sergeant.
She was charming.

Another woman was beeped by her
boss as she was about to enter the stu-
dio. Some computer emergency. A cop
pulled her over as she rushed back to the
office doing 70 mph. She was wearing
little black shorts and a tight red shirt.
The cop arrested her for reckless driving
and took her to jail. She said the rest of
the women in the pen were divided into
two groups—those who wanted to have
sex with her and those who wanted to
beat her up. The police released her af-
ter six hours. She showered and had her
sister drive her back to the bus, since her
car had been impounded.

Before the search began, I debated
with my female friends about where
PLAYBOY stands and what it means. Now
that I've met some of the women who
want to pose, I realize how far removed
they are from the intellectual debate.
They'll knock you down if you get in
their way.

Kevin Kuster

After the launch party at the Mansion,
I went to dinner with Photography Di-
rector Gary Cole. 1 told him, “The bus is
on the road. The pressure is off.” And he
said, “Now all we have to do is find her.”

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Intricalely cast in precious metal, each oar and
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PLAYMATE

NEV

Call it the most aesthetically pleas-
ing family gathering in history. The
first Playmate Reunion since 1979
drew more than 150 Playmates, rang-
ing from three-time poser Janet Pil-
grim (Miss July 1955, Miss December

zc ;

SA to right) Alano Soares,
Debi Jahnson, Potty

Duffek, Rhonda

Adams and

Patti Forinelli

Abave right

the Dahm

triplels. Below

right: Allison

Parks, Morianne Goba and Condy loving. |

Below: Julie Baldwin and Mandy Bentley.
Above left: Kristi Cline ond Rebecca Scott

1955 and Miss October 1956) to two
of 1999's finest recruits, Miss August
Rebecca Scott
and Miss Sep-
tember Kristi
Cline. At the
center of the ac-
tion wasa beam-
ing Hef, who
not only chose
most of the
Playmates but
has dated many
of them as well. While the women
hugged, reminisced and snapped
photos of one another and their leg-
endary boss, they swapped stories
about Playmate life. "Hef used to
throw some crazy parties," said Ros-
anne Katon, Miss September 1978.
"Used to?" replied her pal, Miss July
1978 Karen Morton. Elsewhere, Miss

KIMBERLEY CONRAD HEFNER:
“Hef and | are still very close. We

have а great deal of love and od-
miratian for each other.”

Rii 4
<N The Playmate attendees

included (abave, left

November 1974 Bebe Buell gazed in
amazement at Miss February 1998 Ju-
lia Schultz, who was seated at the
same table for lunch. “I can't get
over how much you resemble [PMOY
1980] Dorothy Stratten,” Bebe told
Julia. “You have so many of the same
features.” “Everyone has been telling
me that,” said an appreciative Ju-
lia. After noshing on salad, chick-
en and the acclaimed Mansion
desserts, the group heard former

Night Court star Harry Anderson
announce the raf-

n

fle prizewin-
ners. Miss July
1987 Carmen
Berg let out a
squeal when she
snagged the
grand prize, a
$20,000 platinum-and-diamond neck-
lace designed by Scott Kay. Then,
everyone convened on the Mansion
lavn fora group photo. That was day

35 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH

Lounging on a couch in noth-
ing but pearly toenail polish,
Jo Collins proved herself a gift-
ed Miss December 1964.
When she was
19 years old,
the aspiring
Broadway star
told us, “I used
to feel guilty
about relying on
my looks for a
living, but Гус
learned that the
best thing to do
when opportunity
knocks is open the
door.” Which is ex-
actly what Jo did
when she was asked
to personally deliver or
lifetime subscriptions 2
of PLAYBOY to our GIs in Viet-
nam. “We found ourselves in a
war zone,” Jo said. “It was defi-
nitely the most mind-boggling
experience of my life.”

one. On Saturday night, Hef hosted
a disco bash that proved to be the
hottest ticket in town. Playmates boo-
gied on the dance floor in the compa-
ny of Billy Idol, Jamie Foxx, Oliver
Stone, Jan Ziering and Tori Spelling.
“Billy Idol just licked my face!” said
a surprised Playboy Online staffer.
That's what we call a rockin’ party.

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE Е

Being а Playmate means let-
ting your hair down. If you're
Angel Baris (left) it means
sporting o funky wig. Below
Соте Stevens ond Daphnee
Lynn Duplaix. Right: Shon-
nan Tweed (with sister Tracy)
praves that bayfriend Gene
Simmons isn’t ће only опе

with а remarkable tongue.

Му
Favorite Playmate
Ву С. Thomas

Howell

Miss November 1978 Monique
St. Pierre is my favorite Center-
fold. When І was 13 years old, 1
was absolutely crazy about her.
She was the hottest Playmate. 1
would take my stepdad's PLAYBOY
collection into the bathroom and
spend four or five hours in there.
My mother probably thought 1
had dysentery. І finally got to
meet Monique in the Eighties,
at an agency party. She was so
beautiful and nice, 1
thought I had died and _
gone to heaven.

She has a teddy bear that she calls
George W. Bush and a cat named
Ronald Reagan, so it's only fitting
that Miss May 1976 Patricia McClain

has announced her plans to chal-

lenge seven-term incumbent
Congressman Elton Galleg-

ly for the Republican Par-
ty nod in the March 2000
California primary election.
"We need families that
are together," Patti says.

tician, whose Playmate
profile was titled The Sin-
gle-Minded Miss McClain,
is anti-gun control and pro-life and
supports school vouchers. "I live for
politics," Patti says. "I'm so Republi-
can it's ridiculous

Dear
Playmate News,
I met Debra Jo
| Fondren at а
San Diego Com-
ic Convention in
1978 and will al-
ways be fond of
|. the memory. Asa
young man, 1 was
enthralled by her
beauty and grace;
she was my first big
Г crush. Debra Jo sets
a benchmark for be-
ing the perfect repre-

PLAYMATE NEWS

sentative of PLAYBOY and the Playmate
lifestyle. 1 have one thing to say to
Miss September 1977: Thanks for the
memories, old and new. You will al-
ways be my Playmate of the Year.
Emphatically,
Scott Andrews
White Plains, N.Y.

PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS

December 2: Miss August 1987
Sharry Koi

December 14: Miss April 1961
Nancy Nielsen

December 17: Miss February 1968

Nancy Harwood

December 22: Miss October 1978.
Marcy Hanson

December 29: Miss August 1997
Kalin Olson

оке

Miss November 1998 Tiffany Тау-
lor is a smarty-pants, ferret-loving
cop-in-training. And we mean that
as a compliment. We spoke to the
refreshing Maryland resident about
school and her many pets.

Q: You're studying to become a police
officer. How is school going?

A: It's going well. I'm taking a science
class and I'm a teaching assistant for
a criminology class. The University of
Maryland has the best criminology
department, 1 gotan Aand a B in my
two summer classes. 1 have two years
of school left.

Q: Have you
made any recent
additions to your
family of pets?

A: I have a new
angora bunny. 1
have eight fer-
rets now, and І
think that's my
limit. I just don't
have time to pay
attention to each

onc of them Tiffany Toylor.
Q: Would you ever consider posing in
а girl-girl pictorial?

A: I doubt it, Because of my career as-
pirations, I have to be careful what I
do. І am going to be applying to po-
lice departments, and while it's one
thing to explain why I have posed
nude by myself, it is another to ex-
plain posing nude with other girls.

KATHY SHOWER:
“Му nickname, Ayer, means yes-

terday in Spanish. I have no ра-
tience. I have to have everything
yesterday."

PLAYMATE GOSSIP

In an effort to "showcase ski-
ing as a hip, trendy and sexy
sport," Freeskier magazine fea-
tured PMOY 1997 Victoria Silv-

^ stedt on its October 1999

cover. "Victoria, a former
member of the Swedish
Ski Team and a well-
SSJ known model, embod-
N des the best of both
— worlds," says publisher
Bradford Fayfield. . . . Lillian
Müller is heading off to Maui to
play a support-
ing role in Syn-
chronicity, a $30
million feature.
Her part? A
spiritually іп-
clined fitness
trainer.
Playboy Ex-
treme Team
jocks Alesha
uny Oreskovich, Da-
Victoria. ^ melle Folta and
Nicole Wood belted out Our Lips
Are Sealed at a recent celebrity
karaoke
night at the
Kit Kat Club
in New York
City. Also
hamming it
up vas Dr.
Ruth West-
heimer. ...
Ava Fabian,
Lisa Dergan
and Elan
Carter hung \ E шый
out with a Karaoke crazed.
tuxedo-clad Sean Young at a гс-
cent Mansion soiree. . . . Did you
notice Stacy Fuson’s don't-blink-
or-you'll-miss-it role in the sum-
mer smash American Pie? "You
can catch a glimpse of me in the
scene where the guy comes out.
ofthe bathroom after he acciden-
tally drinks the cup of you-
know-what,” Stacy says. "I'm al-
so at the prom. It's a small part,
but it looks nice on my résumé!"
Next up for Stacy: a role in thc
comedy The I with Jer-
ту Stiller and Janeane Garofalo.
Dopper dames.

© 1999 R.J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO.

Brought to you by Camel Lights

11 mg. “tar”, 0.9 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

SINGE 1813

Enjoy Block Lal

A08 A VTId

WELCOME TO CIVILIZATION

250

PLAYBOY

N NIN

THE

AND

‚SCENE

MAIL-ORDER GOURMET

ап you believe that some of the freshest gourmet treats
are being delivered by guys in brown shorts? Foodstuffs
shipped overnight via UPS, FedEx and the U.S. mail are
a booming business, both for the variety of goodies avail-
able and because they're fresher than what's on grocers’ and spe-
саћу stores’ shelves. For example, Legal Sea Foods, a Boston-
based restaurant chain, can
ship overnight a cold-packed
Clambake Supreme that in-
cludes two 1/-pound lobsters,
plus clams, com, potatoes and
а cooking pot. Just add water
(and moonlight) and you have
an instant romantic dinner,
without the sand. If your idea
of the catch of the day doesn't
involve fish—or your catch of
the day doesn’t like fish
D'Artagnan in New Jersey
ships a variety of exotic pre-
pared meats, including Ba-
yonne ham and a terrine of
Mousquetaire (duck, prunes
and Armagnac). Or expand
your culinary skills with D'Ar-
tagnan's Glorious Game Cookbook and an order of fresh, low-cho-
lesterol rabbit, venison, buffalo or even ostrich. Wine expertise
comes by parcel post, too. Membership in the California Wine
Club includes two exceptional bottles of West Coast wine shipped
monthly, along with a newsletter and information on
how to order more (often at a discount). Selections аге
made from the 900 or so boutique wineries in the state,
and the club prides itself on finding unusual local vin-
tages that often are unavailable on a retail basis or out-
side of the state. You can sign up for any number of
months, but the more you commit to, the greater
~ your savings. A six-month membership runs
$195, which saves $21 off the month-to-
month price of $36. For
great bread to accompa-
ny the wine, Pane е
Salute in Vermont ships
terrific Italian соссо-
drillo (а naturally leav-
ened bread) that's as
fresh and authentic
as anything you'll
find outside the Tra-

Above: Legal Sea Foods’ classic
New England clambake includes
two lobsters, clams, corn on the
cob, potatoes, seaweed and the
pot. Price: about $145.

iN

Above: Sweet Sloops chocolates from Harbor Sweets
($13.95 for a 22-piece box). Right: D'Artagnan's special-
ty meats: four ounces of Bayonne ham ($6.95), terrine
Mousquetaire ($12 a pound) and 9.5 ounces of terrine
herbette ($7.50). Breads from Pane e Salute (about $3 a
loaf). The California Wine Club costs $36 a month.

JAMES IMBROGNO

Right: Beluga malossol Russian caviar from
Gourmet USA comes in one- to four-ounce
containers. Price: about $31 per ounce. An
extensive selection is available.

stevere district in Rome. For caviar, Gour-
met USA stocks many kinds, from beluga
malossol to kosher. It also offers mail-
order vinegars, mustards, truffles, oils, olives,
spreads and fruits in liquor, plus Norwegian and
Scottish salmon. Shipping is quick and the staff is exceptionally
helpful. Our choices for dessert return you to the States. Harbor
Sweets in Salem, Massachusetts ships little foil-wrapped sailboats
called Sweet Sloops (white chocolate sails and dark chocolate
hulls) along with lobster- and shell-shaped confections that make
great stocking stuffers. For cheesecake, go south to Columbus, Mis-
sissippi, where Jubilations offers a variety of flavors, including the
Supreme that's pictured below and one that tastes like a margari-
ta. Gift wrapping on some items is available, and we're betting
you'll want seconds of these
products for your table, too.

— REBECCA GRAY

Jubilations' 40 varieties of cheese-
cake are made in two sizes from
butter, pure vanilla and Philadel-
phia Cream Cheese. Left: Тһе
Cheesecake Supreme ($22 for a
nine-inch cake).

WHERE к HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 202.

GRAPEVINE

We're
Wide-
Eyed for
Julienne
Beautiful JULI-
ENNE DAVIS ar-
rived undressed
to kill at the
premiere of

her movie Eyes
Wide Shut.

Take a Closer Look at Kate

KATE HUDSON, who appears Cameron Crowe's movie
about a rock band, has made five indie flicks in two years.
Goldie's girl is all grown up.

Cool Moves
and Big

Boobs

What do E Entertain-
ment's RIVERS wom-
en, MELISSA and JOAN
(left), and actress
KATHY NAJIMY (right)

have in common? Na-

са% Closet for laughs,
while Joan is busy
hawking fakes—and
not just on a home-

Delightful,

Delicious De'Leon

Swimsuit Illustrated model LUNDEN DE'LEON ap-
peared on Baywatch and Melrose Place and the Fox
TV comedy The Ladies Room. Look for her on the
big screen in Surviving Paradise.

Popping Out

CHERYL ALFRED has appeared on both The X-Files
and Baywatch and was a Budweiser Girl in V.
couver. We'll drink to that.

Looking
Into

the
Sixties
Next, CUBA
GOODING JR.
will try a little.
tenderness in the
Otis Redding
bio-pic Blaze
of Glory.

Pretty

Cheeky
No surprise here.
JUANITA MENDEZ
heats up the new Hot
Body video series
Sexy World at Cabo
San Lucas in Mexico.

POTPOURRI

PURE ROCKS

For those who take their scotch on the
rocks, there's Scotch Rocks, ten 3” by 4”
trays that contain water from the Chapel-
town Glenlivet Spring in the Scottish
Highlands. All you do is freeze the plastic
housing containing the Scottish water
and drop the cubes into your drink. A
box of the rocks, which is adorned with a
colorful blue-and-green tartan, contains
40 cubes and sells for about $8 at select
liquor stores nationwide.

COCONUT CASANOVA

If there ever were an American Paul Gauguin, it was Edgar Leeteg, an
expatriate artist who lived in Tahiti from 1933 to 1953. Leeteg painted
on velvet instead of canvas, and his portraits of lovely Polynesian wom-
еп (as shown above) earned him the nickname “Vargas on Velvet." Al-
though the art world labeled his work as cornball, his paintings today
are sought by collectors. The Copro/Nason Gallery, 11965 Washington
Boulevard, Culver City, California, will exhibit Leeteg's work from De-
cember 4 to February 29, and a book titled Leeteg of Tahiti, Paintings
From the Vella Velour by John Turner and Greg Escalante is available for
$29.95. Call 800-848-4277 to obtain a copy.

MR. PLAYBOY, WE PRESUME?

If you find Mr. Playboy, the two-and-a-
half-foot-tall rabbit pictured below, under
your Christmas tree, consider yourself
lucky. Only 30,000 will be made in the
first edition (he comes with a certificate of
authenticity) and, as cute as he is, they'll
go fast. Price: $50. To order, call Spencer
Gifis at 800-762-0419. In the future,
there will be other limited editions of Mr.
Playboy. We'll keep you posted

WAYNE'S WORLD

Electric football has been lighting up the eyes of fans of all ages since
1947, but the ABC Monday Night Electric Football Game and Lighted
Stadium bears little resemblance to its predecessors. For about $190,
you can get an illuminated NFL-style stadium (assembly required), an
ABC Monday Night Football field, 22 action figures, accessories and an of-
ficial electronic scoreboard with jazzy visuals and the voice of Wayne
Messmer singing the National Anthem. Check Hammacher Schlemmer
254 stores, or call Miggle Toys at 847-432-0140 for your nearest retailer.

AUTOMOTIVE
AUCTION ACTION

Lart et l'automobile, the
world's oldest art gallery ded-
icated to cars, will hold an
auction by mail on December
В. Call 516-329-8580 to ob-
tain а $10 catalog and then
phone, fax or e-mail your bid

on great road memorabilia to
Lart by that date. Callers will
be informed when they are
outbid and given an opportu-
nity to increase their offers.
Pictured here is 24 Heures du
Mans 1959, an original 21%”
by 15%” poster mounted on
linen. Esimated price: 5800.

90 et 91 JUIN 1959

= = same

GET YOUR MOJO
WORKING

Austin Powers, the secret
agent with the shagadelic
grin, just won't go away. Now
there's even an Austin Powers
unisex eau de toilette, Mojo,
that’s a mixture of herbs, flo-
rals, citrus and a dash of
patchouli. Four ounces sells
for $22.50 at Nordstrom,
Robinson/May, Marshall
Field's and other stores. Or
call 800-289-4630 to obtain a
bottle. “The libido, the life
force, the right stuff. What
the French call a certain `1
don't know what” is how
Gendarme Fragrances de-
scribes Mojo. Years from now,
you can bet it will smell like
a collector’s item.

HAVE A COOKIE

La Kookie Bouquet, a “cook-
ie flo: in San Antonio,
specializes in custom two-
foot-tall arrangements of sug-
ar cookies. They're made
with real butter and are deco-
rated by hand and “planted”
in a basket. The company
does hundreds of cookie
shapes, ranging from angel-
fish to wine bottles, and can
even reproduce a color photo
on a cookie as part of the
bouquet. Arrangements start
at $24.95. Call 800-524-0073
for more details. Cakes and
giant lollipops are also avail-
able from La Kookie.

PAYING THE PIPER

Richard Carleton Hacker, author of the Ultimate
Pipe Book and a contributor to PLAYBOY, has just
completed Rare Smoke, “the Ultimate Guide to
Pipe Collecting." It'sa limited-edition (2500)

hardcover packed with information on the

most collectible pipes of the 20th century, plus

more than 150 photos depicting briars that

range from a rare Alfred Dunhill “black spot"

to the latest Kaywoodies. Price: $42, postpaid,

from the author at Е.О. Box 634, Beverly Hills,
California 90213.

COCKTAILS HOLLYWOOD STYLE

The dry martini, such as the ones downed by
Clark Gable and Constance Bennett in After О/-
fice Hours (below), is just one of the drinks in
Hollywood Cocktails by Tobias Steed, a book ded-
icated to “Hollywood classics and the cocktails
typically served in films.” While the drink rec-
ipes are great, the book's 50 duotone photo-
graphs of stars getting schnockered are alone
worth the $19.50 price. Call Willow Creek
Press at 800-850-9453 to order a copy.

МЕХТ МОМТН: BUNNY2K EXTRAVAGANZA

SOUTHER y
SQUEEZE

Pour 1/2 oz. Southern Comfort over
ice and fill the glass with orange juice.
Add an orange slice, and enjoy
the appealing taste of the South.

EII, СЕА

O)

10
в „
У ЗоотнЕям Сомғоят COMPAN

38% ALC. ВУ vor (76 PROOF) LIGUE

edd a

Southem Comfort Company. Liqueur. 21-50% Ale. By Volume. Louisville. KY 01999
Enjoy the unique appeal of the South responsibly.
www.southerncomfort.com

the real american nd