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THE FUTURE IS HERE! NICHOLAS 
NEGROPONTE, TODD RUNDGREN, FAITH 
POPCORN, WILLIAM GIBSON AND JOHN 
SCULLEY EXPLAIN IT * RAY BRADBURY 
GETS MAD ABOUT IT ° MEET PLAYMATE 
2000 ° INTERVIEW WITH HUGH M. HEFNER 
* FICTION BY ROBERT SILVERBERG AND 
DAVID MAMET * JOHN GRAY: WILL WOM- 
EN CHANGE? * AL FRANKEN GETS SEXY 
* CENTERFOLDS OF THE CENTURY * JOHN- 
NIE COCHRAN GOES TO COURT * SCOTT 
ADAMS GOES TO THE OFFICE * PLAYBOY'S 
COOL MILLENNIAL PAD * HARRY DENT AND 
THE 41,000 DOW * WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY 
ON VIRTUE ° CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY ОМ 
VICE * AN EYE-POPPING PLAYMATE RE- 
VIEW * DAVID HALBERSTAM VISITS 1950 
* MINI-HEF: A TOWERING PICTORIAL + THE 
GREAT PLAYBOY PUZZLE CHALLENGE 
(AND UNBELIEVABLE PRIZE) ° RUPERT 
EVERETT 209 * DRINKS, PARTIES, HUMOR 
PLUS EVERYTHING THAT WAS SMART, 
FAST AND HOT ABOUT THE CENTURY 


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‘THE MILLENNIUM at last—or is it? Depends on how you want to 
divvy up the calendar. In physics, the act of observation and 
measurement is at the root of Heisenberg's uncertainty prin- 
ciple. In philosophy, it's the old if-a-tree-falls-in-the-woods 
saw. So to hell with millennial bashing—December 31, 1999 
sounds like a party to us. For this issue we've pulled out all the 
stops: a mix of great writers, an assemblage of beautiful wom- 
en and a new look for a new era. It starts with electric cover 
rtwork by Peter Max and continues throughout the maga- 
e's pages and headlines. 

To paraphrase the guy who foots the party bills around _ | 
here, PLAYBOY is a Rorschach test. There are a million expla- АХ HALBERSTAM 
nations for its success, bur we prefer the simplest: PLAYBOY is 
the best peek inside a man's head circa 2000 се. Now more 
than ever, the world is starting to resemble Hugh Hefner's 
utopian vision. 

During the past two years, amazing things have happened 
to the man behind this particular inkblot. He took a leap, left 
the Mansion and landed in a pile of headlines. Talk about tim- 
ing. Sex and the City was heating up ТУ, a rash of British mag- 
azines claimed that they were doing things Hef's way (not а 
chance!) and Bob Dole was campaigning as vice president of 
Viagra. Now Hef talks about the cultural landscape that he 
helped transform in the most expressive forum in journal- 
: the Playboy Interview. Hefologist Bill Zehme, who just pub- 
lished his Andy Kaufman bio, Lost in the Funhouse, asked the 
questions. Hef calls the Mansion "the best party in town," an 
opinion shared by George Clooney (and you'll never guess 
what Dylan had to say). There's also the date with Gloria 
Steinem that never was and, at last, his private thoughts on 
Dorothy Stratten. 

To see how far things have come, we're offering a tour back 7 > 
in time. The trip is called 1950: When Nothing Was the Same. ¡GRABOWSKL TRONER ERETTAG SHEFF 
Your guide is David Halberstom, and there is none better. In his Ж 
hands Pleasantville springs to life. Think big (cars, companies 
and geographic distances). To further relish the best of the 
past 50 years, turn to Centerfolds of the Century, a pictorial his 
tory with a written appreciation by р, Keith Mano. Then, while 
Hef was busy with the interview and choosing the top 100 
Playmates (OK, he was actually busy with Brande, Sandy and 
Mandy), West Coast Photo Editor Marilyn Grabowski and Con- 
tributing Photographer Arny Freytag turned to Verne Troyer, Mi- 
ni-Me in The Spy Who Shagged Me. In Mini-Hef Troyer steps up 
as a body double (or is it body half?) fora celebratory Mansion 


pictorial. a ку 7 ADAMS 
According to Moore's Law, computers double in power 

every 18 months. To sce where technology will take us, refer 

10 The Future, а virtual symposium with a slew of brainiacs, i 

moderated by David Shett. These people are so good, they can - 

tell you what you're going to have for dinner. If a world with 

out money, government or spectator sports leaves you in fu- 

ture shock, take a breather with Roy Bradbury. In Cities on the 

Moon, our most emotional futurist applauds the triumph of 

ideas over machines. Give Bradbury a number two pencil and К A = 


he'll outdo any webmaster in the universe. (We gave Donato аһ bom c 
Giancola a box of paints and he did the illustration.) 

Any way you slice it, you're still going to have to work. That 
means slave dogs everywhere will still be snickering at the car- 
toons Of Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert) or his descendants. The 
Office of the Future is Adams' vision of the next generation of 
cube farms. Cubicles will shrink dramatically and sex will re- 
place coffee as a management tool. Yes, boss! For more sex we 
turned to Al Franken. The machines in his article Porn-O-Rama! 
will make you yearn for a virtu-screw (Arnold Roth's artwork 
helps, t00). Perhaps the defining conflict of the American cen- 


tury is the battle for racial equality. There can be no smug self- y 


congratulations on progress as long as there are atrocities GRA WOOLLEY DE BERARDINIS 


' 
4 


WARHOLA SILVERBERG HICKMAN 


MARIANI SCHMALZBACH 


а 


PLAYBOY М 2000 


TLAYMATE 2000 CREW 


such as the dragging death in Jasper, Texas. Justice in the 21st 
Century, an article by eloquent lawyer Johnnie Cochran, is a tem- 
plate for hope. The other treacherous crevasse involves— 
duh!—the distaff side. Men and women have been at it for so 
long, it's a wonder we've hit a population of 6 billion. But 
something is happening, dear, and John Gray knows what it is. 

In Will Women Change? Gray (his Men Are From Mars, Women 
Are From Venus is one of the biggest-selling books of the Nine- 
ties) tracks gender roles into the next century. Hint: Drop the 
tool belt and TV remote, and get ready to romance. (The il- 
lustration is by Janet Woolley.) 

When it comes to the guy-girl thing, no one writes better 
than David Mamet, damn it. This month's short story One or Tivo 
Steps Behind is an affecting look at the short Ше and lingering 
memories of an affair. The artwork is by Olivia De Berard 
Our next story, Smut Talk by Larry Niven, may be set in freezing 
Siberia, but the language is hot. James Warhola did the illustra- 
tion. Like most imaginative fiction, The Millennium Express, by 
the other science fiction grand master in this issue, Robert Sil- 
verberg, is as much about the present as the futurc. In it, 
clones turn violent to free the world from the burden of his- 
tory (Stephen Hickman did the art). 

Here's a safe prediction: Rupert Everett will soon star on- 
screen with Madonna in The Next Best Thing. Еуегешз been on 
a roll since his star turned іп My Best Friend's Wedding. In a 
saucy 20 Questions by David Rensin, Everett says the word gay 
sucks and is equally frank when dishing both royalty and 
men's fashions. 

If a stranger offered to quadruple your money, you'd think 
he was a few fries short ofa Happy Meal. Then you'd want in. 
Harry S. Dent Jr. has amassed data to support his prediction that 
the Dow will hit 41,000 by 2008. Thanks to the boomers, shag 
equals swag. Here's to sustaining the bull market! To put it all 
in perspective, we asked two generations of Buckleys, father 
im Е and son Christopher, to ponder the meaning of moral- 
ity in two essays, The Future of Vice and The Future of Virtue. 
Meanwhile, ethnic cleansing, civil gore and rogue nuclear 
powers have provided a grim dose of reality. In Global Shock. 
James Hoge, editor of Foreign Affairs, points to postcolonial ten- 
sion as the reason for current turmoil. 

Time for a millennial suite of spreads that will confound 
and amaze. Lists of the Century is a distillation of trends, treats 
and triumphs of the past 100 years. It'll go down like fine co- 
gnac. Its two companion projects are even headier. That Was 
the Century That Was by Robert 5. Wieder skewers the farce of 
progress and never drops a rhyme. Unheralded Innovations of 
the 20th Century by Bob Sloan takes the simple, manly recliner— 
among other doodads—and puts it in the pantheon of mod- 
ern wonders. Go back further to Playboy 1000, a collaboration 
between Wieder and Assistant Managing Editor John Rezek, 
and you'll trip over your chain mail laughing. Then fast-for- 
ward, if you will, to luxury living, millennium-style. syd Mead, 
who helped design the film Blade Runner and did features for 
us on futuristic land yachts, cars and electronics, created an 
astonishing pLaveoy pad of tomorrow. Naturally, it's in space. 
Down to earth, that annual heartwarming feature The Year in 
Sex brings you up to date on Pam Anderson's reunion with 
Tommy Lee, among other flings, while the Eleventh-Hour San- 
la offers reprieves to lazy sods who haven't finished gift shi 
ping. We also have ingredients for a perfect triple play 
ир the Millennium A-Go-Go from Midnight Special, a drink 
feature by John Mariani. Then turn to the Playmate Review and 
prepare to vote (remember: Nudity is in the eye of the be- 
holder). Now you're ready to break a dastardly cryptogram 
we call The Playboy Puzzle Challenge. Yt was designed by Jon- 
athan Schmalzbach, the most puzzling guy we know. Crack it 
and you could win a 100-year subscription (“I bequeath my 
PLAYBOYS to . . .”). OK, we know—we've teased you too long. 
For more than a year we've been hyping the Playmate 2000 
Search Bus and its crew, and yes, we have a winner. If you 
want to find out who it is, don't just sit there—start turning 
pages! Tempus fugit, you know. 


LADIES 
LOVE 
OUTLAWS 


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vol. 47, по.1--іалуағу 2000 


Ж», E 


| 
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= contents 


features 


82 THE FUTURE 
We put together the ultimate roundtable of seers—the likes of William Gibson, John 
Sculley, Todd Rundgren and Nicholas Negroponte—to tell us what to expect. 

98 THE FUTURE OF VICE 
Tacitus predicted, “There will be vice as long as there is man.” Turns out the old Ro- 
man scold knew whereof he spoke. BY CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY 


99 THE FUTURE OF VIRTUE 
The prognosis for the good guys is a bit dodgier. BY WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY JR. 


100 THAT WAS THE CENTURY THAT WAS 
The fads and foibles, decade by decade, in rhymed couplets. BY ROBERT S. WIEDER 


128 THE OFFICE OF THE FUTURE 
Fornfitting cubicles and a sexual stimulant released as an aerosol mist should make 
the workplace a lot cozier. BY SCOTT ADAMS 


134  PORN-O-RAMA! 
An enlightening tour of the Institute for Pornographic Studies and its Virtu-Screw 
2000 prototype with the bodaciously breasted Dr. Julie Devine. BY AL FRANKEN 


136 LISTS OF THE CENTURY 
What would a millennium be without lists? We compiled the only one you'll need. 


154 CITIES ON THE MOON 
A screed in which our favorite visionary predicts penal universities, government by 
women and the return of the pencil. BY RAY BRADBURY 


166 WILL WOMEN CHANGE? 
Could they demand, gulp, emotional satisfaction? BY JOHN GRAY 


173 JUSTICE IN THE 21ST CENTURY 
Racism, our unfmished business, remains the great divide. BY JOHNNIE COCHRAN 


182 1950: WHEN NOTHING WAS THE SAME 
Revisit a time when conformily and prudery ruled the land. BY DAVID HALBERSTAM 


188 THERE'S NO SPACE LIKE HOME 
The г Аувоу pad of lomorrow—il's very far-out. BY SYD MEAD 


195 MONEY 2000 
Think boomers in their power years. Think Dow 41,000. BY HARRY S. DENT JR. 


196 THE PLAYBOY PUZZLE CHALLENGE O V г 5ТОТУ 
Solve these brainteasers and you could win а 100-year subscription. H's been 35 years since Peter Max first designed 

201 PLAYBOY 1000 far PLAYBOY. And, as Hef himself might say, 
Chastity belts. The plague. The forke. Lyfe was toughe for the medieval seeker what gaes around comes around. "The Sixties 
of pleasure. were oll abaut new ideas and aspirations,” says 

218 — UNHERALDED INNOVATIONS OF THE 20TH CENTURY PLAYBOY Art Director Tam Staebler. "We wanted 
We're talking recliners and panties and women's beach volleyball. BY BOB SLOAN ta capture that same excitement for the millen- 


nium." PLAYBOY and Peter Max and the Bunny— 
may they prosper for anather 100 years. 


X ғғ 


220 200 RUPERT EVERETT 
The unconventional heartthrob and star of Му Best Friend's Wedding waxes witty 
on life їп the movies, fashion and being gay. 


222 GLOBAL SHOCK 
Posicolonial conflict is the new challenge to world stability. BY JAMES HOGE 


interview 


63 HUGH M. HEFNER 
The man who was singly responsible for making the last century fun has plenty to 
say about the future, about entertaining four girls in one bed and about the state 
of the union. 


contents со nued 


m 
| 


vol. 47, no.1—janvary 2000 


ww 


pictorials 


107 


138 


174 


MINI-HEF 

Verne Troyer gets a waist-high 
view of һеш our founder lives— 
and survives to lell the tale; plus 
Midget Movie History (p. 229). 


CENTERFOLDS OF THE 
CENTURY 

We picture the 100 most fabulous 
women who've bisected PLAYBOY— 
and rank them! 


PLAYMATE 2000 
The greatest search ever resulted in 
the greatest find ever—identical 

tuins with ап amazing story to tell. 


THE YEAR IN SEX 
You couldn't have asked for a 
zanier end to the 20th century. 


PLAYBOY'S PLAYMATE 
REVIEW 

Gel your phone cards, gentlemen. 
It's that time of year again. 


fiction 


162 


THE MILLENNIUM EXPRESS 
Picasso, Hemingway and Einstein 
bicker about blowing up the 
Louvre as civilization teeters. 

BY ROBERT SILVERBERG 


SMUT TALK 
Aliens in a Star Wars bar have a 
Lively talk about, what else, sex. 
BY LARRY NIVEN 


ONE OR TWO STEPS 
BEHIND 

When it comes to hot and heavy ro- 
mance, patience can be a virtue 
or a big mistake. BY DAVID MAMET 


notes and news 


15 
16 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 


MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S 
DREAM PARTY 


53 THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
A critical agenda for the 21st cen- 
tury, why drug testing doesn't 
work, the war on drugs, Remedial 
Religion courses—they're a sin 
to miss. 

273 PLAYMATE NEWS 
departments 

3 PLAYBILL 

19 DEAR PLAYBOY 

23 AFTER HOURS 

40 LIVING ONLINE 

42 FITNESS 

44 MEN 

45 THE SINGLE LIFE 

a7 MANTRACK 

51 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 

256 WHERE & HOW TO RUY 

277 ON THE SCENE 

278 GRAPEVINE 

280 POTPOURRI 
lifestyle 

156 FASHION 2000 
We throw a memorable bash and 
dress the reuelers right. 

169  ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA 
Great ideas from the gift guru 

180 MIDNIGHT SPECIAL 
‘Toast the new century in style. 

198 TURNING THE CORNER 
The ultimate high-tech gadgets for 
gaining the edge in 2000. 
reviews 

28 MUSIC 

34 MOVIES 

зт VIDEO 

41 BOOKS 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


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PLAYBOY 


12 


КОТ 


CRANBERRY 


Pour ІЗ oz. Southern 
Comfort over ice. Fill with 
cranberry juice. Add a 
wedge of lime. 


SOUTER y 
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Эт Company. Liqueur, 21-50% Ale. By Vol 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art direclor 
GARY COLE photography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
JOHN REZEK assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FICTION: ALICE к. TURNER edilor; FORUM: JAMES к. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE 
associate editor; JOSHUA GREEN editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; BETH 
TOMKIW associale editor; DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; 
BARBARA NELLIS associate editor; ALISON LUNDGREN assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; 
CAROL ACKERBERG, LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, CAROL KUBALER, HARRIET PEASE, JOYCE 
'AND-EAVAS editorial assistants; FASHION: HOLLIS Wayne director; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY 
editor; KERRY MALONEY assistant; COPY: LEOPOLD FROFHL 


wi 


н editor; BRETT HUSTON. ANNE SHERMAN 


assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; LEE BRAUER, GEORGE HODAK, KRISTEN SWANN 
researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANAHEED ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN 
MCLAUGHLIN, BETH WARRELL proofreaders; JOE CANE assistant; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa 
BABER. JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE CROBEL. KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, 


D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
RUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior art directors, 
STEFANIE сенше assistant art director; ANN seti, supervisor, 


кешс rore managing art director; 
SCOTT ANDERSON associate art directo 


heyline/pasteup; ем. CHAN senior art assistant; JASON simons art assistant; 
CORTEZ WELLS arl services coordinator; vont PAIGE SEIDEN art department assistant 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
ın Larson managing editor chicago: MICHAEL ANN SULLIVAN 
senior editor; STEPHANIE BARNETT, PATTY BEAUDETFRANCES, KEVIN KUSTER associate editors; DAVID 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edito, 


CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG, RICHARD дн, DAVID MECEY, POMPEO FOSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA 
contribuling photographers; конс ceomciov studio manager—chicago; вид. wii studio 
manager—los angeles; SHELLEE WELLS stylist; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library, 

RENAY LARSON photo administrator 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; KATE CAMPION, JODY JURGEFO, CINDY PONTAKELLA, 
RICHARD QUAKTAROLI, TOM SIMONEK associale managers; BARB TERIFLA, DEBBIE TILLOU fypesellers; 
BILL. BENWAY, LISA COOK, SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress: CHAR KROWEZYK. ELAINE PERRY assistants 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; vivi 


novonne subscription circulation director; 
CINDY KAROWTZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS, advertising director; JEFF KINMEL, new york sales manager; JOE HOFFER midwest 
sales manager: HELEN BIANCULLL direct response manager: тензі CARROLL research director; 
NEW YORK: SUE JAFFE, JACKIE LONDON, IVANA VALE; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER: 
CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER: ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ. GREG MADDOCK 


READER SERVICE 
MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STRON correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 


MARCIA TERRONES rights € permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
ALEX MIRONOVICH president, publishing division 


SQUTHERY 
М 
FROST 
Pour 1% oz. of Southern Comfort 
along with 2 oz. each of cranberry 
juice & pinger ale over ice and 
enjoy the spirit of the holidays. 


ES 7 E | 
e A Barb ЕСА 
A Ciba, СА а I 


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Souther Comfort Company: Liqueur, 21-50% Ale, Ву Volume, Louisville, KY (1999 
Celebrate responsibly. 
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* Prices May Vary. See Store For Details. 


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©1999 New Line Home Video, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 


THE WORLD ОЕ PLAYBOY 


hef sightings, mansion frolics and nightlife notes 


PARTY BABES AND 
WINDOW DRESSING 
The Midsummer Night's Dream 
Party (left and above) attracted 
guests in lingerie—and less 
Hef and the girls (above) have 
Miss May 1998 Deanna Brooks 
surrounded. Steve Martin 
{above right) gives pretty-in- 
pink Lisa Dergan a squeeze. 
WB Network comic Jamie Foxx 
(left) is pleased to discover that 
Lauren Hays (one of the hosts 
of Playboy TV's Naughty Ama- 
teur Home Videos) had her lin- 
gerie painted on. How much is 
that Bunny costume in Berg- 
dorf's window (right)? At a 
| Sotheby's fashion auction the 
outfit sold for $7500. 


HITTING TWO OUT OF THE PARK 

When Hef and friends joined Chicago Cubs home run king Sammy 
Sosa at a party in his honor at Atlantic in Los Angeles, Brande 
Roderick and Mandy Bentley wanted to hear all about his stats— 
on the field, of course. 


ANNA AND THE KING 

Hef and two of his princesses, Jessica Paisley and Brande Roderick, ran 
into Anna Nicole Smith. The former Guess girl and 1993 Playmate of the 
Year is slated for а $500 million inheritance. 


MIDSUMME 
DREAM 


Hef's annual Midsummer Night's Dream par- 
ty was as enchanting, comedic and romantic as 
Shakespeare's play. Although partygoers were 
decked out in their coolest sleepwear, they had 
anything but sleep on their minds. (1) Revelers 
in middip. (2) fe 
Brande Roderick, Mandy Bentley and Jessica 
Paisley. (3) Comedian Judy Tenuta proves that 
a funny leopard never changes her spots. (4) 
Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer meets the Dahm 
triplets. (5) Who's the fairiest of them all? (6) 
Sporting his trademark baseball cap, La 

do DiCaprio gets the lowdown from Mii 

(7) Vincent Young, Gene Simmons and Shan- 
non ‘Tweed. (8) Who is that masked lady? 
(9) A Morrell twin takes a licking to Drew 
Carey. (10) Brande and Hef heat up the dance 
floor. (11) Jaime Bergman and her boyfriend, 
director Michael Bay. (12) 

Devin De Vasquez and Hef 

(13) Tori Spelling fascinates 

a fan. (14) Heather Kozar 

and Los Angeles Laker 

John Salley. 


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PLAYBOY. THE MOST POWERFUL MEN'S BRAND IN THE WORLD. www.playboy.com 


998 Playboy Enterprises, Inc. 


Dear Playboy 


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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 


FAX 312-649-9534 


E-MAIL OEARPE@PLAYBOYCOM 


THE REAL AMERICAN BEAUTY 
My brother and 1 were fortunate to 
see Kevin Spacey (Playboy Interview, Oc- 
tober) twice in The Iceman Cometh. While 
we wish we could have met him in per- 
son, his superb performance as Hickey 
and your interview will keep him in our 
hearts forever. 
Hillary and Stephen Abrahams 
Chicago, Illinois 


Thanks for interviewing my favorite 
actor. I can't get enough of Kevin Spa- 
cey and the offbeat characters he por- 
trays. I'm glad he hasn't taken the main- 
stream route. And I'm especially happy 
those hacks at Esquire didn't destroy his 
courage. 


Elisabeth Andrews 
Evanston, Illinois 


Spacey is one of the most truthful ac- 
get- 


tors in Hollywood. I'm thrilled һе" 
ting the recognition he deserves. Kevin's 
success gives hope to struggling actors, 
including me. 


Ginger Tipton 
Glen Burnie, Maryland 


It's a good thing Spacey didn't let past 
experience with journalists deter him 
from granting you the interview. ГА like 
to thank PLAYBOY for bringing him to 
us—just as he is. 

Janice Hill 
Evanston, Illinois 


LOCO-MOTION 

Congratulations to Katie Roiphe for 
her article on the oppressive atmosphere 
at universities across the country (Going 
Loco, October). Administrators should 
butt out of college students’ lives, and 
parents need to understand that their 
children are experimenting much like 
they did when they were in school. As an 
undergraduate, | wandered down the 
road of excess and indulged in my fair 
share of revelry, but in the process I 
stumbled upon the palace of wisdom. 


William Blake could not have hit the 
mark more squarely. 
Tan MacGregor 
Carrboro, North Carolina 


A year ago I dropped out of college 
and told my family that the university 
didn't offer a program in film. But the 
real reason was that 1 couldn't stand go- 
ing to school. When I read Roiphe's ar- 
ticle, I assured myself that I had done 
the right thing. In my first two quarters 
of college I never felt welcome because 
the school didn’t treat its students like 
adults. 

‘Todd Rabanus 

Cincinnati, Ohio 


ONLY IN PLAYBOY 

Thank you for "Generation Vexed" 
(Men, October). I'm the mother of four 
sons who will all have to deal with the i 
sues in this column. Аза Baber's advice is 
excellent and delivered in a place where 
my boys will see it. 


Karen Sword 
Toronto, Ontario 


A FRIEND FOREVER 
I'm 39 years old and happily married, 
but when my husband asked me if there 
was anyone on television that 1 would 
leave him for, my answer was Matthew 
Perry (October). I love his sense of hu- 
mor. He is and vill always be my favorite 
friend—imaginary or not. 
Mona Lee Soderberg 
Fort Wayne, Indiana 


PREVIEW REVIEW 
I value and look forward to Playboy's 
Pigskin Preview (October) every year. 
Please note, however, that last season the 
Seminoles didn't lose to Virginia; they 
lost to N.C. State. 
Дей Dodson 
Portsmouth, Virginia 


Your preview is usually a good predic- 
tor of the upcoming football season, but 


[nom ТІГІН 


ALL YOU 
NEED IS LOVE, 


Introducing the new 
Songtrack: a collection 
of all 15 Beatles songs 
heard in the movie. 
Remixed and remastered 
for ie Ды time ever, 


ith d clari 
E 


Paul McCartney | 
RUN DEVIL RUN 


Featuring the new McCartney окб 
“Try Not To Cry" and “No Other Bala 


һи T 


PLAYBOY 


this time I was disappointed in some of 
the picks. Why was Air Force chosen as 
number 11? Air Force would be waxed 
by every team ranked 12 through 20 ex- 
cept for Colorado and Kansas State. And 
why was Miami ranked 20? They're com- 
ing back from being on probation and 
keep getting better each season. 

Mark Brown 

Louisville, Kentucky 


I'm 49 and have been reading PLAYBOY 
since my bar mitzvah. Mazel tov on your 
fine Pigskin Preview. 

Alan Gittelson 
South Miami, Florida 


GOOD MORGAN, AMERICA 
1 thoroughly enjoyed your 20 Ques- 
tions with Joe Morgan (October). To para- 
phrase Jerome Kern’s remark about Ir- 
ving Berlin's place in American music: 
Joe Morgan has no place in baseball, he 
is baseball. 
Clarance Evan Dale Santos 
Adelanto, California 


BROWN OUT 
Td like to respond to the Dan Quayle 
quote in October's Raw Data. “Murphy 
Brown is gone, and I'm still here.” 1 
wonder if Dan has stopped to consid- 
er that this is because Murphy had the 
good grace to know when to quit? 
Steve Salamon 
Cleveland, Georgia 
Apparently Quayle had second thoughts. 


THESE GALS ARE PAC-ING 
Your Girls of the Pac Ten pictorial (Oc- 
tober) created quite a predicament for 
me. I've narrowed my choices for favor- 
ite down to the Sarahs—Prince, Pickard 
and Webster. From there, it's impossible 
to decide. 
Leonard Robinson 
Hoboken, New Jersey 


Being an ACC man, I thumbed 
through the Girls of the Pac Ten pictorial, 
all the while boasting that they couldn't 
hold a candle to the girls of the ACC— 
until I came across University of Wash- 
ington's Gina Jesse. Gina has convinced 
me to go for my master's degree out 
West. Go Huskies! 


Matt Ellenburg 
Germantown, Maryland 


You have certainly outdone yourselves 
with the Pac Ten pictorial. There are so 
many beautiful faces and gorgeous bod- 
ies that I couldn't keep track. But it's the 
three Washington State beauties who 
have inspired me to consider reenrolling 
in college: 


"Thomas Ripka 
Melrose, Minnesota 


One look at Jaime Stevens in the Girls 
of the Pac Ten pictorial and 1 immediately 


20 filled ош my subscription renewal form 


and ran to the mailbox. Please make her 
a Centerfold. 
David Hamilton 
Edmond, Oklahoma 


1 currently attend Delaware State Uni- 
versity, but every time I look at Oregon's 
Jaime Stevens, I hear a little voice that 
says, “Go west, young man 


орВ Roy 
Dover, Delaware 


Thanks for this year’s excellent coed 
pictorial. My vote for Playmate goes to 
Brooke Williams, who redefines alto 
madness. She's in a clef all by herself. 

Bob Schroeder 
‘Trenton, New Jersey 


ONWARD, CHRISTIAN 

I had looked forward to the October 
issue for months, and it was definitely 
worth the wait. News of the Claudia 
Christian pictorial (/, Claudia) had been 
buzzing around the Internet for months. 


‘Thanks to Stephen Wayda for the fabu- 
lous photos. 1 only wish there were more 
of them. Perhaps there’s an additional 
picture you might publish for us fans. 
Harry Beams 
Springfield, Illinois 


Three cheers for Babylon 5’s Claudia 
Christian. It’s great to see an actress 
who hasn't fallen for the “bigger is bet- 
ter” myth. 

Ma 


Claudia is the hottest thing since man 
discovered fire. 
Neal Frederick 
Muskegon Heights, Michigan 


Way to go, PLavRoy. The Claudia Chris- 
tian photos continue one of your best 
traditions featuring pictorials of the 
sexiest women in the world. I've been 


a fan of Claudia since 1 discovered the 
Babylon 5 reruns on TNT: 


Gary Stewart 
Galion, Ohio 


Your Claudia Christian layout has left 
me breathless, but please complete my 
fantasy: Open the nearest jump gate and 
blast me into space with the hottest wom- 
an in the galaxy. 

Greg Rogers 
Ottawa, Ontario 


ICELAND DICK 
Your October Afier Hours item “Art 
Dick.” about the Icelandic Phallological 
Museum, mentions that there will be a 
human penis on display (an 83-year-old 
man will donate his after death). The 
volunteer doctors hope to get to him on 
donation day to preserve the organ be- 
fore shrinkage occurs. As a nursing as- 
sistant who has given personal care to 
many geriatric men, I say, sorry, but 
they'll be too late. The human penis 
shrinks with age. The Icelandic museum 
will need a donation from a young тап. 
Rob Boyte 
Miami, Florida 


JUMPING JODI 
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Jodi Ann Pat- 
erson (Busy Beaver, October) is the girl 
next door every man dreams about. 
Larry Holland 
Oregon. Illinois 


Finally, a beautiful brunette Playmate 
who is proud of her natural body. 
Dale Kiesling 
Biloxi, Mississippi 


GRADING ON THE CURVES 
Your October issue deserves an A. Your 
outstanding Claudia Christian pictorial, 
the exotic Miss October Jodi Ann Pater- 
son, and the Pac Ten's finest—topped off 
by supersexy Jennifer Rovero—all make 
the grade. РСХУВОУ should get extra cred- 
it for Tiffany Taylor's appearance in What 
Sort of Man Reads Playboy? 
Stephen Lee Roldan 
Aiea, Hawaii 


A DATE TO REMEMBER 
Edward Lazellari's The Date (October) 
is one of the best stories Гуе read. The 
characters explode from the pages, and 
the story gave me a good chuckle. What 
more can you ask for? 
Michael Braham 
Florence, Arizona 


NOT FOR MEN ONLY 
Your cover reads “PLAYBOY, Entertain- 
ment for Men," but if that were true, I 
wouldn't have to fight my wife for the 
magazine every month 
Scott Abell 
Louisville, Kentucky 


Reto fn oo на зов and etal кке SK c ALT rc «4099 


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Now getting 15 different artists on опе CD 


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A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


YOU'RE GETTING LONG, VERY, 
VERY LONG 


Lovely Laurie Gregg Straub says she 
had such success enlarging breasts with 
hypnotherapy that she decided to go for 
the whole nine yards. Her Manhattan 
company, Mindquest, has designed a 
program for penis enlargement. De- 
scribed as all-natural and nonsurgical, 
her Think Big proposal caught the eye 
of one of our junior editors—who was 
no doubt angling to become a senior edi- 
tor with Straub's help. During visits she 
had him imagine a whirlpool swirling 
around his groin, then asked if he felt a 
tingling s on (dub). As homework, 
she had him listen to a set of tapes while 
visualizing his impending growth. He 
won't say whether the plan has worked, 
but he's limped his way back to her office 
six times in the past two weeks. 


TERN HER UP. TERN HER DOWN 


The staff at England's Gloucestershire 
Airport had tried to keep bothersome 
birds off their runways. Broadcast re 
cordings of bird distress calls brought 
unsatistactory results. But when some- 
one threw on a Tina Turner record, the 
birds vacated the area. Local rumors 
have reported a new Audubon Society 
member named Ike. 


ASSTROLOGY 


Takes one to know one. Leave it to 
Jackie Stallone, Sly's attentive mom, to 
make phrenology (the study of skull 
shape) look downright orthodox. Jackie, 
long a proponent for the astrological 
arts, now beats the drum for rumpology. 
“The buttocks represent areas of your 
personality,” she 
your behind corresponds to the division 
of the two hemispheres of the brain.” 
Clearly, our plumber is a genius. 


GENIUS IN A BOTTLE 


Glaceau has entered the bottled water 
market with a difference. They've taken 
the next logical step and believe they can 
improve on nature with their Smart Wa- 
тет. They make it by vapor-distilling wa- 
ter from the glacial aquifers of Litchfield 
County, Connecticut and blending in 
electrolytes such as calcium, magnesium 
and potassium. The result is remarkably 


sts. “The crack of 


WHERE CELEBRITIES PUT THEIR FOLDING MONEY 


Los Angeles A-listers who aren't ready to call it a night when the bars shut 
down сі one am. flock to Crazy Girls, a strip joint-nightclub hybrid that's as 
noteworthy for its pool tables as it is for its genetically blessed topless enter- 
tainers. As the performers writhe, wriggle ond work the north pole better than 
Santa—and you're busy slipping 20-spots into their G-strings—don'+ be sur- 
prised if you rub elbows with Julia Roberts, Goldie Hawn, Oscar De La Hoya, 
Liam Neeson, Marilyn Manson or Courtney Love. They're just a few of the 
boldfaced names who have dropped by to check out the West Coast's prime 
eye candy. The La Brea Avenue hot spot is also great for special occasions. Just 
ask Leonardo DiCaprio, who celebrated his birthday there, or Angie Everhart, 
who arrived with friends for her bachelorette bash. 


24 


SIGNIFICA, 


like a іше presi- 
dent, a little, tiny 
president."—cov- 
ERNOR GRAY DAVIS, 
DESCRIBING HIS JOB 
TO SCHOOL STU- 
DENTS IN CALIFORNIA 


NO ROOM AT THE 
DESERT INN 
Number of party- 
goers expected to 
Visit Las Vegas for 
New Year's Eve: 
750,000. Number 
of hotel rooms in 
Vegas: 120,000. 


NET LAG. 

Percentage of 
white U.S. house- 
holds that use the 
Internet: 32. Per- 
centage of Hispan- 
1c households who 
have access to the 
Internet: 13. Percentage of black 
households so equipped: 12. 


NOT-SO-RAPID TRANSIT 
Number of stops a New York sub- 
way train made last year with a dead 
man on board before anyone report- 
ed him: 20. 


MAYBE IT’S THE ALIMONY 
Percentage of divorced men who 
say they're happier unmarried: 58. 
Percentage of divorced women: 85. 


ALL-AMERICAN CITY 
Au 3000-plus listings, the most com- 
mon last name in the Los Angeles 
telephone directory: Kim. 


MONICA VS. MICROSOFT 
Percentage of American kids aged 
910 14 who'd like to be Bill Gates rath- 
er than Bill Clinton: 67. 


CHOKE ON THIS 
Estimated number of peanut butter 
and jelly sandwiches the average 
American youth has eaten by high 
school graduation: 1500. 


MOONLIGHTING 
Amount earned by Senator Fred 
Thompson in 1998 in residuals from 


INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


various 
movies: $29,286. 
Amount earned by 
Senator Orrin 
Hatch from the two 
CDs of “patriotic 
and inspirational 
music” he com- 
posed: $15,160. 
Amount Senator 
Daniel Moynihan 
earned from his 
four scholarly 
books on social 
and political is- 
sues: $546. 


COIN TOSS 

According to 
American Ash Re- 
cycling, value of 
loose change that 
the residents of 
York County, Penn- 
sylvania threw out. 
with the garbage in 
one year: 545,000. 


SPEECH PATHOLOGY 
Attendance at a speech given to the 
National Press Club by author Tom 
Clancy: 71. Number of people at the 
speech given by Miss America Nicole 
Johnson: 77. At the speech given by 
Jesse Ventura: 381. 


NO WAY BAY 
Number of nine San Francisco Bay 
area counties in which the teen birth 
rate declined in most recent reported 
figure - County with largest drop: 
Кара, 22.7 percent. 


THE LAST LAUGH 
Top speed of a Nascar Winston 
Cup car: 200 mph. Top speed of an 
Indy Racing League car: 235 mph. 
Ofan NHRA Funny Car: 324 mph. 


DAY TIMES 

According to Faster: The Acceleration 
of Just About Everything, by James 
Gleick, number of hours per day we 
typically spend watching television: 3. 
Amount of minutes per day spent 
reading magazines and newspapers: 
41. Amount of minutes spent looking 
for lost objects: 16. Number of min- 
utes spent having sex or filling out 

government forms (tie): 4. 
—ROBERT S. WIEDER 


pure water that enhances and acceler- 
ates hydration (making you look and feel 
better) and, in addition, makes you feel 
more energetic and generally more 
alert. We've been guzzling Smart Water 
for a month now and it's all true. Others 
have noticed a difference, as well. Now 
we have a reason to hurriedly excu 
ourselves when meetings start to get re- 
ally boring. 


BARBIE GIVES THE FINGER 


The lab wizards who produce pros- 
thetic devices for amputees at the Duke 
University Medical Center report that 
they've come up with new knuckle joints 
for artificial fingers that arc more realis- 
tic and functional and гло bend. 
What are these medical miracles? Recy- 
ded knee joints from your basic Barbie 
Doll. As Ken will attest, they never suffer 
rug burns, either. 


SEIN AND SIGNIFIER 

Now that Jerry Seinfeld has dropped 
off everyone's radar screen, we can final- 
ly view his show with some perspective. 
And what perspective! William Irwin 
has just compiled the anthology Seinfeld 
and Philosophy: A Book About Everything 
and Nothing (Open Court). Included are 
14 essays from gainfully employed aca 
demics (some apparently desperate for 


NICE HAT! 


We receive a lot of strange pictures 
in the mail—and our friends in the 
adult film biz are responsible for 
most of them. Oddly, though, we 
never see the slides published any- 
where, so we decided to share the 
good stuff. We conducted a caption 
contest in the office for this shot, 
and are proud to present the losing 
entry: "Fiddlesticks! I'll hove to go 
back for my glasses.” 


You think you're 
BIG and BOLD 
and SMOOTH 
enough to 
Mm hang with 
A them? 4 


There's only one way 
to find out. 


k 


حح 


THIS PRODUCT 
MAY CAUSE 
MOUTH CANCER 


3 и Lasts | 


iT ра! ur 1790” 1-4 


Fıll out thıs entry form, and send ıt ın 
for a chance to WIN 
The Ultımate Playboy Weekend Sweepstakes 
from Rooster. 


TOUR OF THE PLAYBOY 
MANSION GROUNDS 


Go where only 
But take three of your | 


Natalia 


Choose which one of these Playmates you wa 
around the Playboy Mansion grounds.* 


“Playmates subject to availability. See entry form for details. 


bold men dare. 
»uddies for backup. 


Carrie 


Alexandria 


OSTEN gives you a chance to WIN 
The Ultınnate Playboy Weekend. 


Trip for 4 people — Friday, June 16-Sunday, June 18, 2000 
including: 
* Round trip coach airfare 
* First class accommodations at the 
© WYNDHAM BELAGE HOTEL 
* Limo ride up to mansion gates 
* Playmate tour of the mansion grounds 
* Friday night party at the mansion 


* Box seats to the 22nd Annual 
Playboy Jazz Festival 


* $5,000 in spending money 


* Hardcover "Inside the Playboy Mansion" book, 
autographed by a 1999 Playmate 


* Playboy "Covers" camp shirt 
• 1- year subscription to Playboy 


* T-year subscription to Playboy 


MANSION PARTY PARTY, PARTY, PARTY 


JAZZ FESTIVAL 


OFFICIAL RULES — NO PURCHASE NECESSARY 

1. No purchase necessary. To enter. complete this Oficial Entry Form or ona 3//: х 5 post card write your пате. address. age, signature and date and стай to: The Ultimate Playboy Weekend 
Sweepstakes from Rooster, Sute 9600. 251 Main Street Stamford. CT 06901-2928. 

2. Enter as often as you wish bul each antry must be railed separately. bear the rame of only one entran! and be postmarked no tater th 
became the property ol United States Tobacco Sales and Marketing Company Inc. ('USTSM ). Not respon 
ancomplele еліпе vali be accepted 

3. Sweepstakes begins November 1. 1999. and is open to legal residents of the US.. 18 years or older at the time of елігу. Employees of USTSM, Playboy Enterprises International. Inc. ("Playboy" 
‘heir parents and alilites, distributors, advertising and promotion agencies, fullllment vendors and their immediate families are not eligible. Vox т Puerto Rico, Michigan and where prohi 
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4. One (1) grand prize winner will receive a trip lor four to the 2250 Annual Playboy Jazz Festival n Los Angeles. including round trip coach airfare. ground transportation to and Hom the airport. two 
nights first class accommodations al the Wyndham Bel Age hotel. round inip limousine service from the hotel o the Playboy Mansion gates. Playmate tour of the mansion grounds. Friday night pa 
at the mansion. box seats at the 2204 Annual Playboy Jazz Festival and $6,000 spending money (approximate retail value (ARV) 58 750) There wil be two hundred (200) first prize varners who y 
each receive а hardcover book titled, "Insee the Playboy Mansion” (ARV $50 each). Playboy "Covers" camp shirt (ARV $55 each) and a one-year subscription to Playbcy Magazine (АРУ $29.97 
each). There vill be 2,000 second prize winners who will each receive а cne-year subscription lo Playboy Magazine (ARV 52967 each). Custom Data Systems. Inc. an independent judging 
organization, wil select winners in a random drawing on May 15. 2000 By entering the sweepstakes. all entrants agree In be bound by these offici rules and the decision of the judges. which arê 

5. No substitution of prize by winners permitted. USTSM reserves the right to substitute a prize of equal value. AN federal. state and local taxes apply and are the sole responsibility of the vanner(s] 

6. The ила ruber or entries received determines odes OF winning. Winners val бе rontied пу та ана wili be required to Sigh an Аидам of Egibity and to release in writing USTSM, Playboy. 
parents. affiliates, employees and agents tror ary liability related 10 or arising cul of ths promotion or the prize awarded. АН inlormation requested must be returned in two weeks or pnze(s) 
‘may be ferfeited. By accepting prize, winner consents to use of his/her name and likeness for promotional purposes without further compensation 

7. For the name ol the vannerís) send a set-addressed. stamped. number 10 envelope lo: The imate Playboy Weekend Sweepstakes мот Rooster. Sute 96000, 251 Main Stree, Starrford, СТ 05901-2928. 
Otter expires April 30. 2000. Offer not available to minors. 


1 Apri 30. 2000, when the sweepstakes ends. Entry forms 
befor lost. misdirected or lale тай. No mechanically reproduced, ilegible. ate or 


THIS PRODUCT 


MAY CAUSE 
MOUTH CANCER 


PLAYBOY, RABBIT HEAD DESIGN, PLAYBOY MANSION and PLAYMATE are trademarks of Playboy 
Enterprises Intemational, Inc. and used with permission. Playboy Images © 1999 Playboy. 
(o Trademark of U.S, Tobacco Co. or one ol its affiliates for smokeless tobacco ©1999 U.S TOBACCO CO. 


THREESOMES 


Are there more threesomes now, 
or are we just hearing about Ihem 
more? It’s hard to tell, but here 
are some points we'd like to moke 
about the multiple relationship. 


Definition: 
No matter what anybody says, a 
threesome is two girls and a guy. 


Cinematic Threesomes: 
David Hemmings and the two 
groupies in Blow-Up. 

Oskar Werner, Henri Serre and 
Jeanne Morecu in Jules et Jim. 
Fred Ward, Uma Thurman, Maria 
de Medeiros in Henry and June. 


Literary Threesomes: 

Henry Miller, June Mansfield and 
Anais Nin 

Neal Cassady, Carolyn Cassady 
and Jack Kerouac 

The entire Bloomsbury Group 


Threesomes That Work: 
The Three Stooges 

The Appellate Court 

Peter, Paul and Mary 


Top Four Drawbacks to 
Threesomes: 

(4) The person who always has to 
turn on the video camera eventu- 
ally begins to resent it. 

(3) The one who studied tantric sex 
is terrible at explaining things. 

(2) There's always someone who's 
bossy about what to try next. 

(1) If you do it right, everyone has 
to sleep on the wet spot. 


tenure) on such issues as “Kramer and 
Kierkegaard: Stages on Life's Way," "Pla- 
to or Nietzsche? Time, Essence and Eter- 
nal Recurrence in Seinfeld” and “The 
Costanza Maneuver: Is It Rational for 
George to ‘Do the Opposite’?” To give 
you a sense of the discussion, let us quote 
from "Wittgenstein and Seinfeld on the 
Commonplace” by Kelly Dean Jolley: 
“Philosophical Investigations and Seinfeld 
each cultivate freedom from a certain 
illusion. To do this, each becomes a 
pseudomorph of the source of the illu- 
sion from which it frees: Philosophical In- 
vestigations is a pseudomorph of the fin- 
ished essay; Seinfeld of the developed 
plot.” That's a model of clarity com- 
pared with what follows. We should fur- 
ther note that Jolley teaches philosophy 
at Auburn University and that his bio- 
graphical blurb states, “Warning: Kelly's 
articles seem better or worse depending 
on the lighting.” 


TIT FOR TAT 


After Jesse Ventura said he wanted to 
be reincarnated as a 38DD bra, the Wash- 
ington Feminist Faxnet, a newsletter of the 
Center for the Advancement of Public 
Policy, urged women to send him their 
underwear. 


WE KID YOU NOT 


At the History of Contraception Muse- 
um in Don Mills, Ontario you'll learn 
that the earliest written prescription for 
a contraceptive tampon is in an Egyp- 
tian medical tract from 1550 вс.—апа 
that the active ingredient, acacia, is still 
recognized as a spermicide today. (We 


assume it worked beuer than the tra- 
ditional means of recourse: crocodile 
dung.) You'll also learn that early North 
American settlerettes sometimes drank 
an alcoholic potion made with beaver 
balls. Dam! 


PITCH AND PUTT 


Northern Illinois University has 
upped the ante for business schools by 
offering a new course called Business 
Golf 101. The one-day seminar teaches 
students the art of clinching a deal on 
the green. A professor outlines the Busi- 
ness Golf strategy, which is to treat a 
round of golf like “a four-hour sales 
call.” Notes from the seminar read as fol- 
lows: Use the first six holes to get to 
know the client personally, and the next 
six to size up his business. The last six 
holes are when you make the pitch. The 
deal should be dosed on the 19th hole, 
over drinks. The only thing the course 
doesn't teach you is how to play the game. 


101 USES FOR VIAGRA DEPT. 


An Israeli scientist has determined 
that Viagra perks up plants. Research 
conducted by Yaacov Leshem, a plant 
physiologist at Bar-Ilan University in 
Ramat Gan, reveals that the life span of 
plants can be doubled when a few mil- 
ligrams of Viagra are added to their wa- 
ter. The exact mechanism involves the 
plant hormone ethylene, but the benefit 
seems the same whether you're a man or 
a mango. “It helps prevent aging and 
helps them stay crect. Plants aren't all 
that different from people,” says Leshern. 
And yes, if you eat a Viagra-laced cucum- 
ber it will affect your cucumber as well. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


Legend has it that Laeti- 
tia Casta was discov- 
ered as a teen on a 
Corsican beach. Since 
then she’s been mod- 
eling for Guess and 
Galliano and made 
a splash as the 
voluptuous nude on 
the cover of Rolling 
Stone (a nod to the nude Marilyn 
Monroe of our first issue). But 
we've chosen her as our Babe of 
the Month for other good reasons, 
many of which are included in a 
new collection of 200 photo- 
graphs from Viking Studio called 
Loetitia Casta. In an unrelated but 
startling development, her image 
was selected to be Marianne—the 
female embodiment of the French 
Republic. Vive la Casta! 


[Ecos 


| 1 сот YOUR | 
\ HAND SIGNAL \ 
RIGHT HERE \ 


Iesnotdriving Its amotorized beat-down. 
Leave skid marks on 25 different tracks. 
Reduce your fellow drivers toroadkill. And 
if youre man enough to survive the hair- 
pin turns, you'll score a TURBO boost. 
Unless, of course, youget86'ed bya TNT 
crate. Plug in the Multi Tap adaptor and 
up to four players can race to the ugly fin- 
ish. With over I2 playable characters in all. 
Basically, its a full-blown war on wheels. 


www.playstation.com 


Once he gets behind the 
wheel, things get ugly. 


R&B 


ON Mary (MCA), the latest effort from 
queen of hip-hop soul Mary 1. Blige, the 
emphasis is on soul and not hip-hop. 
There are some samples among these 14 
cuts, but the power in this collection 
comes from nuanced vocals. Always a 
distinctive stylist, Blige does her best 
singing on Mar). Beautiful Ones and Mem- 
ories suggest a new maturity that allows 
her to sing alongside Aretha Franklin on 
Dont Waste Your Time and K-Ci on Not 
Lookin’ with equal skill. The Love I Never 
Had is a big, lushly produced track by 
Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. Songwriter 
du jour Diane Warren chimes in with a 
pop ballad called Give Me You, which fea- 
tures Eric Clapton on a guitar solo. But 
the album's emotional core is No Happy 
Holidays, a melancholy Blige-penned tale 
about poverty and pain. This is a true 
soul record for the 21st century. 

— NELSON GEORGE 


REGGAE 


Chant Down Babylon (Island) is more 
than a superb series of duets featuring 
Bob Marley and today's hottest hip-hop. 
acts. This album of remixed Marley clas- 
sics is a musical miracle that enhances 
every participating artist, including | au- 
ryn Hill and Busta Rhymes. Marley's 
Stephen does the impossible—slipping 
hip-hop beats and loops under his fa- 
ther's vocals that stay true to the original 
vibe while brilliandy updating the music. 
Marley's approach to dealing with vio- 
lence and oppression in Jamaica 25 
years ago challenges and uplifts Erykah 
Badu, Guru, the Roots, Chuck D and 
MC Lyte, among others. This record has 
such social, spiritual and musical energy 
that you'll never listen to Marley or hip- 
hop with the same ear again. 

VIC GARBARINI 


ROCK 


To hear some people talk, we all 
should have outgrown heavy metal by 
now. The great thing about metal is that 
about once a year, it kicks all such think- 
ing square in the ass. This year's boot be- 
longs to Dave Mustaine's Megadeth, for 
its ferocious Risk (Capitol). 1 like it for the 
reasons a critic would: The songs are 
better written and the singing is a lot 
more coherent than most carlier Mega- 
deth discs. On Breadline, Mustaine cre- 
ates a sympathetic portrait of the white- 
collar unemploye: ез dancin’ on the 
breadline,” he sings. tch him dance!” 
Of course, these sort of men don't dance 
at all, but they might if they heard Mega- 
deth's new drummer, Jimmy DeGr: 

28 so, rattle his cage on stuff like Prince of 


A soulful Mary. 


Blige obliges, all the Bach 
you'll need, and Stephen 
Marley chants down Babylon. 


Darkness and Crush “Ет. 

On Let the Chicks Fall Where They May 
(Hightone), the Sprague Brothers come 
on like a great lost West Texas rock 
band. This is among the best retro-rock 
in recent memory, and just to show you 
they know their stuff, it's dedicated to 
Mom. The best song is Ваше of tke Bands, 
about the teen combo showdown of your 
dreams—or nightmares. —DAVE MARSH 


Type O Negative views life as a brief, 
excruciating and meaningless island in 
an ocean of oblivion. If their vision were 
any bleaker, they'd drop their instru- 
ments and svallow Zoloft. They appear 
to have concluded that music makes life 
morc bcarable and is worth pursuing 
long enough to produce World Coming 
Down (Roadrunner), an album of guitar 
riffs so bent and distorted that your 
knees wobble. Yes, fans of early Black 
Sabbath, this is the shit. Everyone 1 Love 
Is Dead—now there's a love song worthy 
of the new millennium. For eight songs 
it's nihilism, nihilism and more nihil- 
ism, then they surprise you with a Bea- 
Чез medley. Well, a good joke lasts till 
the end. 

If you feel like killing yourself after 
‘Type O Negative, you may find reason 
to live in the ferociously invigorating De- 
/Mercury) by N17 
sonal and political 
liberation, denounce violence and are 
guaranteed to turn your listening en- 
vironment into the ultimate mosh pit. 


Their album is also way above average in 
production values, arrangements and 
general musicality for this genre 

— CHARLES M. YOUNG 


The Clash's punk rebel legend has 
been both an inspiration and a warning 
to Nineties bands. Their fervor could be 
galvanizing, but they also had a tenden- 
cy toward self-mythology. In the end, 
they thought they could save the world, 
yet they couldn't save their band. Almost 
two decades after their breakup, their 
first live album, From Here to Eternity: The 
Clash Live (Epic), has finally arrived. The 
17 tracks cover most of their classics, 
from Complete Control to London Calling to 
Straight to Hell. The sound is richer and 
packs more punch than most of their 


` studio work. But experiencing a Clash 


concert firsthand was a transformational 
event. These tracks recorded between 
1978 and 1982 are strong but hardly 
transcendent. -VIC GARBARINI 


РОР 


"here has never been anything like 
Weimar Germany's Comedian Har- 
monists. This Berlin-based sextet—five 
singers and a pianist—got together їп 
1927 with the idea of emulating the pre- 
eminent American vocal group ot the 
time, the Revellers, whom they quick- 
ly surpassed. Before the three Jewish 
members went into exile in 1935, the 
group was the toast of Europe, synthe- 
barbershop with the fanatical ac- 
curacy of lieder singing. sprucing up 
classically schooled harmonies with Afri. 
can American swing. A version of Duke 
Ellington's Creole Love Call in which the 
voices take the instrumental parts is a 
star attraction on The Comedion Harmonists 
(Hannibal), their first U.S. collection. 
Seven decades later, these 14 tracks— 
which include such American standards 
as Tea for "heo and Night and Day as well 
as German songs that fit right in—may 
seem overly decorous. But listen and 
you'll find out why they were comedians 
as well as harmonists—on one tune, they 
gargle in tune and time. They valued 
beauty, but they were never reverent 
about it. No wonder Goebbels couldn't 
abide them. 

Stephin Merritt, who performs under 
the name Magnetic Fields (among oth- 
ers), almost always writes in the first per- 
son and never about himself. That makes 
his deep, inexpressive voice the perfect 
vehicle for his endless st of catchy 
tunes and silly rhymes—"flesh” and 
“Ganesh,” say, or “gently” and “Bentley.” 
On 69 Love Songs (Merge, Box 1235, 
Chapel Hill, NC 27514), Merritt out- 
does himself on three CDs. You can buy 
the discs separately, but since the real 


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30 


SEXUAL HEALING DEPARTMENT: The Du- 
rex Condom Ultimate Feeling contest 
reported that 80 percent of the 2000 
men and women who entered said 
that Marvin Gaye's music is still the 
top choice when doing it. Does Barry 
White know? 

REELING AND ROCKING: A new docu. 
mentary made for British TV investi- 
gates the death of Michael Hutchence. 
Called In Excess, the movie relies on 
critical evidence available to both the 
police and the coroner that could 
have led to a verdict other than sui- 
cide. At some point, expect it to be re- 
leased in the States. Whitney Hous- 
ton is producing a Disney movie called 
The Princess Diaries, based on a book 
by the same name. . . . It now looks as 
if Warner Bros. has found someone to 
play Bob Marley on the screen—his son 
Rohan (Lauryn Hill's Companion). Hill 
has expressed interest in playing 
Bob's wife, Rita. . . - Jared Harris will 
play John Lennon to Aidan Quinn's Paul 
McCartney in the VH-1 movie Two of 
Us, about a fictional visit McCartney 
paid to Lennon after the Beatles broke 
Up. . . - Method Man and Redmon have 
sold a movie called How High in which 
they will star. It’s about two guys who 
become so smart after smoking pot 
that they get into Harvard. 

NEWSEREAKS: And speaking of pot: A 
musical opened in Los Angeles called 
Reefer Madness, based on the campy 
1936 film of the same name. Kevin 
Murphy and рап Studney, who created 
it, hope to see it staged in New York 
and London and then make its way to 
the movies. Cynthia Lennon ( John's 
first wife, Julian's mother) has 11 ink 
sketches on display at the Beatles 
Story Museum in Liverpool. Cynthia 
met John when they were both in 
art school. The drawings depict the 
early years of their relationship, in- 


Lennon news, John’s lyric sheet for 
1 Am the Walrus sold at Christie's tor 
$129,000. . . . Ricky Martin’s tour, spon- 
sored by Ford, will make Ricky and 
the car company partners in 60 com- 
mercials. If that isn't enough, look for 
Ricky sheets, athletic clothes, school 
supplies and anything else young 
women want. . . . Mike Ness plans to re 
lease a CD of covers—songs by Dylen, 
Carl Perkins, George Jones and Johnny 
Cash, among others. . . . The Spice Gi 
are already working on this summer's 
tour dates, including a show they plan 
for Cardiff, Wales, in a stadium that 
holds 72,500. How'd he do that: 
Notorious 5 third CD, Born Again, 
is out any day. .. . Mary J. Blige and Tony 
Bennett are among those who received 
Heroes Awards from the New York 
chapter of the Recording Academ 
a VIP dinner... . i 
mingham, Alabama, stop by Eddie 
Kendricks Memorial Park and hum a 
few bars of Just My Imagination. . . . See 
Mamma Mia, the musical with Abba 
songs, in London next summer. . 

Madonna has an entry in the new edi 
tion of the Oxford Dictionary of Quo- 
tations. But then, so do the Spice 
Girls And, lastly, one of the more 
unusual pieces of Elvis Presley memo- 
rabilia auctioned off this past October 
in Las Vegas was an audiotape of the 
line “Elvis has left the building.” The 
phrase was first uttered December 15, 
1956, after Elvis’ last appearance on 
the Louisiana Hayride radio show. The 
tape has been in the possession of the 
family of the show's producer. Elvis 
was just one of half a dozen acts on 
the show that night. When he left the 
stage after his encore, the fans went 
wild. Since there were still other acts 
on the bill, the show's announcer 
went on the microphone in an at- 
tempt to quiet the audience—and his- 


cluding Julian's birth. . . . In other tory was made. — BARBARA NELLIS 
Chrisigau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young 

Mary J. Blige 
Den 8 7 8 8 7 
The Comedian 

Harmonists 8 8 Y 8 7 
Bob Morley 
Chon Down Bob 7 9 5 МАН o 
Megadeth 
E 5 6 6 8 7 
Туре O Negative 
Doy Everything 6 6 6 4 8 


pleasure of this tour de force is reveling 
in its excess, I say spring for the box. 
You'll be laughing, and humming, for 
weeks. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


COUNTRY 


The Dixie Chicks have a habit of tar- 
tooing baby chick footprints on their feet 
every time they have a number one hit. 
Judging from the ready-for-radio an- 
thems on Fly (Sony), the trio of Natalie 
Maines, Martie Seidel and Emily Robi- 
son will soon be covered in skin art from 
head to toe. The Chicks make their mark 
through sassy lead singer Maines, whose 
big delivery is reminiscent of a Stone 
Poneys-era Linda Ronstadt, especially 
оп the Irish jig Read) to Run. The only 
downer on Fly is Goodbye Earl, a Dennis 
Linde composition about two friends 
who murder an abusive ex-husband 
Otherwise, the Chicks click. 

—DAVE HOEKSTRA 


CLASSICAL 


We saw lots of grandiose boxed sets in 
the Nineties. Duke Ellington, Arthur Ru- 
binstein and Hank Snow, for example, 
were honored with exhaustively com- 
plete collections. Now, as we enter a new 
millennium, we have the boxed set of 
them all: Teldec's 153-CD Bach 2000, the 
complete works of Johann Sebastian 
Bach as performed by the likes of Niko- 
laus Harnoncourt, Gustav Leonhardt 
and Il Giardino Armonico. Bach was а 
prolific man. He sired 20 children and 
composed more than ten times that 
many cantatas—enough, in fact, to fill 70 
CDs. In Bach, as composer Paul Hin- 
demith wrote, “we behold the most dis- 
tant reaches of perfection attainable by 
man.” Accordingly, the 250th anniver- 
sary of Bach's death is being commem- 
orated in grand fashion. There are 16 
dises of organ works (brilliantly per- 
formed by Ton Koopman), 22 CDs of 
keyboard music, 14 of sacred vocal 
works (including the monumental pas- 
sions of St. Matthew and St. John) and 
ten discs of orchestral compositions. 
‘There are also more than 100 world pre- 
miere recordings. With its historical pu- 
rity—as well as its elegant packaging and 
comprehensive notes—Bach 2000 clearly 
becomes the definitive Bach recording 
This is one boxed set where thorough- 
ness is clearly justified. The list price of 
$1199 gives us pause. but dilettantes 
might want to consider a light version 
(minus the sacred cantatas) that sells for 
$849. (Some retailers ofler the complete 
set for less than $1000.) Why spend that 
sort of money on compact discs? Great 
ness is worth a thousand bucks. 

—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


This tent saved Frank Cla, 


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з4 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


PEDRO ALMODOVAR is known for his outra- 
geous comedies, but All About My Mother 
(Sony Pictures Classics) has a depth and 
range one doesn’t necessarily expect 
from the Spanish filmmaker. Invoking 
the Greek aphorism that “only women 
who have washed their eyes with tears 
can see dearly,” Almodóvar tells the sto- 
ry of a woman who loses her son in an 
accident, which leads her to renew an 
old friendship and launch a new one 
with an actress her son longed to meet 
but never did. The performances, by the 
likes of Cecilia Roth, Marisa Paredes and 
Penélope Cruz, are uniformly strong, 
and Almodóvar injects his trademark 
humor in the person of Antonia San 
Juan, who plays a transvestite with a big 
heart. All About My Mother, which pays 
homage to both All About Eve and A 
Streetcar Named Desire, manages to avoid 
sentimentality yet evokes a strong emo- 
tional response. It's an exceptional—and 
original—piece of work. ¥¥¥: 


Rosetta (USA Films) won the Palme 
d'Or at last year's Cannes Film Festi- 
val, and its leading actress, Emilie De- 

uenne, shared the best actress prize 
for her screen debut. Still, it's important 
to note that prizewinners don't always 
come in first for entertainment value. 
Like Luc and Jean-Pierre Dardenne's 
last film, the brilliant La Promesse, this 
one is stark and uncompromising, shot 
in fly-on-the-wall fashion. Rosetta (De- 
quenne) lives an existence of secrecy and 


Having survived Y2K, we can now 
look forward to a year free of one 
other nuisance: movie studio anniver- 
saries. Last year both Columbia and 
MGM heralded their 75th anniver- 
saries with special logos, video reissues 


HOLLYWOOD CELEBRATES ITSELF 


and a certain amount of ballyhoo. At 
one time, movie fans could make a di- 
rect connection with the studios, which 
had distinct personalities and “looks” 
and their own contract rosters of stars 
and supporting players that helped 
identify their films. But in today's cold, 
corporate world it's hard to muster a 
varm, fuzzy feeling about the studios 
or their milestones. 

Columbia commissioned a two-hour 
documentary about its history that 
aired on the Encore cable network. 
The filmmakers did a fine job of chron- 
icing the studio’s scrappy rise to suc- 


Morton and Penn make bittersweet music. 


A slice of life in the Thirties, 
an ode to women of strength, 
a portrait of the city. 


desperation, trying to keep a rein on her 
alcoholic mother and hoping to earn 
enough to pay the landlord at their trail- 
er park before he shuts off their water 
again. When she encounters a young 
man who treats her with kindness—ap- 
parently, that's never happened to her— 
her immediate response is combative. 
Because Rosetta is so emotionally guard- 
ed, it’s difficult to get inside her head, 


cess under the iron leadership of Har- 
ry Cohn, but after Cohn's death there 
was no more story to tell. Columbia 
lost not only its founder and boss but 
its heart and soul; recent mergers and 
sales, first to Coca-Cola, then to So- 

ny, aren't terribly 
interesting in this 
context. 

MGM's 75th anniversary logo pro- 
claimed "A Legacy of Excellence." 
What does that have to do with a com- 
pany that distributes schlock like Stig- 
maia and Disturbing Behavior? Is there 
any remnant of the MGM that once 
boasted “more stars than there are in 
heaven?” Are there any leaders at the 
studio who have been there more than 
a decade? 

What's more, MGM now plays fast 
and loose with its corporate history. A 
video montage that appeared at the 
top of many of its anniversary releases 
showed scenes from such films as Ca- 


and this is the movie's great drawback. 
In La Promesse we empathized with the 
young hero from the start; this time 
around, the Dardenne brothers have giv- 
en the audience a challenge that may be 
insurmountable. ¥¥/2 


In a world of cynicism and irony, it 
is refreshing to find a film as funny 
and good-hearted as Agnes Browne (USA 
Films), directed by and starring Anjelica 
Huston, based on Brendan O'Carroll's 
novel The Mammy. Agnes is a working- 
class stiff in late Sixties Dublin whose 
husband has just died, leaving her to 
raise seven children on her own. Well, 
not completely: Agnes is blessed with a 
loving friend, Marion (Marion O'Dwy- 
who would do anything for her. Life 
is tough, but Agnes is up to the chal- 
lenge, and so are her plucky kids. The 
film is ripe with the atmosphere of Dub- 
lin streets and the kinds of faces one 
never sees in Hollywood movies, which 
makes up for an occasional tendency to- 
ward a pat solution (a subplot involving 
singer Tom Jones is a bit too cute). But 
with the holiday season upon us, there 
ought to be room for a film as sweet as 
Agnes Browne. ¥¥¥ 


Advance reviews and publicity for ta 
Ciudad (Zeitgeist) compare it to the land- 
mark Italian neorealist movies of the 
Forties. That's a lot to live up to, but this 
film warrants the comparison, as well 
as the compliment. Director David Ri- 
ker has created a work that is at once 


sablanca and The Adventures of Robin 
Hood, both made by Warner Bros., and 
the James Bond movies, made by 
United Artists. Apparently, the powers 
that be don't think there is any differ- 
ence between movies they own and 
movies they made. 

Baby boomers may experience simi- 
lar puzzlement when they stroll into a 
Warner Bros. store and see merchan- 
dise for such Hanna-Barbera charac- 
ters as Scooby-Doo or MGM movies 
like The Wizard of Oz. 

But my favorite manifestation of. 
corporate-think is the bold presence of 
a website address on the new Univer- 
sal Pictures logo. I don't get the idea of. 
plugging an online site as we're about. 
to watch a movie. Do they imagine that 
the film is so boring that we're going to 
pull out our laptops and play a game 
instead, or perhaps even read cast 
biographies? 

Hmm. Maybe they do. 


uM. 


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SONY HOME ENTERTAINMENT UNIVERSE 


86 


Hoffman: Daring to Бе disliked. 


Philip Seymour Hoffman doesn't 
carc if you like him or not. He's 
not antisocial; he's just an actor 
who refuses to shy away from parts 
that others might find difficult, off- 
putting or downright unplayable, 
such as the repressed telephone 
stalker in Happiness, the gawky go- 
fer who is attracted to Mark Wahl- 
berg in Boogie Nights and the ob- 
noxious weather freak in Twister. 

But moviegoers may have to re- 
think their view of Hoffman, be- 
cause he's about to play his first 
romantic lead, in David Mamet's 
State and Мат. 178 part of the ac- 
tor's game plan: to keep us sur- 
prised and himself engaged. 

“People have a hard time pin- 
ning down what I will do, or what 
they see me as.” Hoffman admits. 
“T think the last thing they see me 
as is a romantic lead, which is 
something ГА really like to do. But 
it doesn't mean 1 don't want char- 
acter roles or the roles that arc un- 
attractive, or the roles that might 
turn people off, even. Those are 
more fun." 

His rogues' gallery is growing 
year by year, as he has taken major 
supporting parts in such recent 
films as The Talented Mr. Ripley, 
with Matt Damon and Cate Blan- 
chett, and Magnolia (his third film 
for Paul Thomas Anderson). 

But even Hoffman, a graduate 
of New York University's Tisch 
School of the Arts and a self-pro- 
fessed man of the theater, had 
reservations about taking on the 
co-starring part in Flawless, in 
which he plays a transsexual 

“My only hesitation was that 1 
wouldn't be able to do it, that 1 
would fail. It wasn’t just playing 
somebody who was gay, or a drag 
queen. It was playing a guy who 
really believes he's a woman, and 
that was scary to me.” 

What's coming next from the 
sandy-haired chameleon? More 
surprises, I predict. -ам 


stingingly real and achingly poetic. Film- 
ing in black and white, he and his cine- 
matographer have fashioned images 
that invoke Diane Arbus. La Ciudad pre- 
sents four vignettes about Latino immi- 
grants and their struggle for survival in 
New York City; at their lightest moments 
they are bittersweet, and in sum they are 
heartbreaking. But La Ciudad is not а 
downer; it’s an observation about the 
way human beings manage to survive, if 
not prosper. It's one of the most striking 
films I've seen in ages. ¥¥¥/2 


Sean Penn is a joy to watch in Woody 
Allen's Sweet and Lowdown (Sony Pictures 
Classics), playing a Thirties jazz guitarist 
with a unique look, voice, attitude and 
way of carrying himself. Unfortunately, 
there isn't much of a story to support the 
character—and what's more, the guy is 
an irredeemably selfish s.o.b. Thus it's 
Allen's love for this period and the music 
that have to shore up the film. Happi- 
ly the Thirties atmosphere is impecca- 
ble and the swing music (under the di- 
rection of Allen's longtime collaborator 
Dick Hyman) is glorious, with Howard 
Alden playing guitar in the Django Rein- 
hardt style and Bucky Pizzarelli back- 
ing him up: Final kudos to Samantha 
Morton, who makes an indelible impres- 
sion as Penn's mute girlfriend, Наше. If 
only the film were as strong as its com- 
ponents аге. ¥¥/2 


Director Tim Robbins has made an 
exceptional film about an extraordinary 
time in American culture. The year is 
1936 (in the midst of the Great Depr 
sion) and the setting is New York City. 
The focal point of Cradle Will Rock (Buena 
Vista) is the famous attempt by Orson 
Welles and his partner John Houseman 
to stage a production of Marc Blitzstein's 
pro-labor musical play The Cradle Will 
Rock during a crisis at the government's 
Works Progress Administration, which 
supported the Federal Theater Project. 
But this is no dry historical pageant; it's 
a vivid and immediate dramatization of 
events involving such notables as Nelson 
Rockefeller (played by John Cusack), 
Diego Rivera (Rubén Blades) and Wil- 
liam Randolph Hearst, among others 
Robbins has gathered an impressive cast, 
including Emily Watson, Bill Murray, 
Joan Cusack, Vanessa Redgrave, John 
Turturro, Susan Sarandon, stage star 
Cherry Jones (in her juiciest film role 
to date) and, in a pair of tour de force 
turns, Angus MacFadyen as the flamboy- 
ant Welles and Cary Elwes as the young, 
imperious John Houseman. Whata plea- 
sure to watch a film with meat on its 
bones and fire in its heart. ¥¥¥/2 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 
capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Agnes Browne (See review) Anjelica 
Huston directs and stars in this sweet 
film about a widowed Irish woman 
left with seven children to raise. ¥¥¥ 
All About My Mother (See review) Pedro 
Almodóvar's moving story about a 
handful of women whose lives inter- 
sect in highly dramatic fashion. УУУУ; 
Being John Malkovich (Reviewed 12/99) 
John Cusack takes us on a wild ad- 
venture into the mind of actor Malko- 
vich. Dazzling. УУУУ 
Bringing Out the Dead (Listed only) 
Martin Scorsese's г ng look ага 
burnt-out EMS worker on the New 
York City streets; Nicolas Cage is per- 
fect in the lead. vu 
Cradle Will Rock (See review) Tim Rob- 
bins vividly re-creates the drama sur- 
rounding Orson Welles' notorious pro- 
duction cf a pro-labor musical play in 
the midst of the Depression. | УУУУ; 
Dogma (Listed only) Writer-director 
Kevin Smith presents a wild and 
unique comic fantasy about fallen an- 
gels, the Catholic Church and the 
woman chosen to save human exis- 
тепсе in a film that's alternately inge- 
nious and puerile. Wh 
Fight Club (Listed only) Dynamic film 
about a man who needs to be shak- 
en out of his malaise—by any means 
necessary—fizzles after a great start. 
Brad Pitt and Edward Norton star. YY 
La Ciudad (See review) An extraordi- 
nary series of vignettes about Latino 
immigrants and their struggles in 
New York City. ww 
Ride With the Devil (Listed only) Direc- 
tor Ang Lee's thoughtful portrait of 
young people who fight their own 
guerrilla version of the Civil War. 
Skeet Ulrich, James Caviezel and Jew- 
el star. Wh 
Rosetta (See review) The Belgian film- 
makers who brought us La Promesse 
tackle yet another tough subject—a 
teenage girl who is living in desperate 
isolation. ууу 
Sweet and Lowdown (See review) Sean 
Penn gives a marvelous performance 
as a selfish Thirties jazz guitarist іп 
Woody Allen's heartfelt but meander- 
ing period piece. Whe 
Three Kings (Listed only) An action mov- 
ie with a brain, set at the end of the 
Gulf war. Written and directed by 
David Russell, with George Clooney, 
Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube. ¥¥¥ 


¥¥¥¥ Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


уу Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


Which movies get a 
rise out of Adrian 
Lyne, popular director 
of 9% Weeks, Flash- 
dance, Fatal Attrac- 
tion and Lolita? “My 
favorite references 
tend to be French,” 
Lyne says. “I thought 
the sex between Ro- 
mane Bohringer and 
Cyril Collard in Sav- 
age Nights was ex- 
traordinary. | also love what the couple did 
in Betty Blue. And that shot of Brigitte Bar- 
dot walking out of the water in St-Tropez 
in And God Created Woman? Un-fucking- 
believable!” As for his favorite Hollywood 
bit, Lyne doesn't hesitate to say that it's 
in—oddly enough—4n the Heat of the 
Night. “Do you remember when that girl is 
sitting in Rod Steiger's office? She's just 
sitting in that leather chair, speaking, and 
her body is making noises as it's moving 
up and down. It's the sexiest moment I've 
ever seen!" —UURENCE LERRAN 


SCREEN ICONS 


In 100 years of film history there have 
been several women who have epito- 
mized the screen sexiness of their eras. 
Each one is a visual milestone. 

Marilyn Monroe: Our first cover, and the 
star all others after are judged by. Check 
out the kissing scene in Some Like It Hot 
(1959), when Топу Curtis pretends not 
to be turned on. Now that's acting. 

Clara Bow: The It Girl was the first to 
show film audiences that sex could be 
fun—not easy considering there was no 
sound. Rent /t (1927) to see the world's 
most famous flapper strut her stuff. 
Veronica Lake: She lit up the darkest noir 
with her sultry one-eye-covered-by- 
blonde-tresses trademark. Preston Stur- 
ges put her in boys' clothes in Sullivan's 
Travels (1941), and she still made the 
testosterone surge. 

Brigitte Bardot: France's tastiest export 
first turned American heads in husband 
Roger Vadim's And God Created Woman 
(1956), but take a look at Mademoiselle 
Striptease (1957). The plot: After she's 
sent to a convent for writing a porn nov- 
el, she flees to Paris and enters a strip- 
tease contest. 

Rita Hayworth: With sexual charisma to 
burn, she earned the nickname the Love 
Goddess. One look at a frame of Gilda 
(1946) explains it. Get the DVD, so you 
can pause and linger indefinitely 

Jayne Mansfield: She perfected the dumb- 
blonde persona but had an appeal that 


transcended her unimpressive filmogr 
phy (cut short by her death in a car acci- 
dent). Savor her as the small-talent, 
large-busted, sex-driven movie star in 
Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? (1957) 
Jane Russell: Howard Hughes’ The Outlaw 
(1943) was held up for release for two 
years because smolderingly voluptuous 
Russell's eye-popping prairie bustier 
confused the ratings board. She became 
a spokeswoman for Playtex “living bras” 
in the Seventies. 

Raquel Welch: You don’t have to rent One 
Million Years B.C. (1966) to appreciate 
Welch's attributes: Just take a gander at 
her in a fur bikini on the video box. 

Gina Lollobrigida: With on-screen beauty 
and offscreen smarts (she scooped every- 
one with a Fidel Castro interview), she 
even has a type of lewuce named after 
her. Until Fan-Fan la Tulipe (1952) is avail- 
able, see John Huston’s Beat the Devil 
(1954) for a sample. 

Sophia Loren: Still a world-class beauty at 
65—check out her scenes in Grumpier 
Old Men (1995)—she's a knockout with 
an Oscar (Two Women, 1961). First-timers 
should watch the comedy Marriage Ital- 
ian-Style (1964), wherein she plays a pros- 
titute whom engaged Marcello Mastro- 
ianni can't forget. 

Elizabeth Taylor: Forget her current ava- 
tar and watch Cleopatra (1963) to see why 
the world still loves old Violet Eyes. 

Kim Basing he modern era's only god- 


dess with a body of work (and what a 
body!) that will stand the test of time. 
Won an Oscar in 1998 (L.A. Confidential). 
but we still like 9% Weeks (1986) and No 
Mercy (1986). 


—BUZZ MCCLAIN 


7 
CINEMA 
REDUX 


With Tim Robbins’ 
latest feature, The 
Cradle Will Rock, f 
spurring interest 
America’s com 
munist witch- 
hunts, news that | 
Columbia TriStar / 
was releasing 
The Way We Were 
(1973) on DVD ($28) set off a few 
alarms. Director Sydney Pollack famously 
excised chunks of a subplot dealing with 
Hollywood blacklisting from the weepy pe: 
riod piece, against the protests of Barbra 
Streisand, the film's female lead. In a new 
70 minute making-of documentary that ap- 
pears on this 25th anniversary DVD, La 
Streisand brings up the issue again, and 
Pollack responds. It certainly whets our 
appetite for a 30th anniversary that would 
restore the footage. 


DISC ALERT 


Road war: It's hard to knock Easy Rider, 
the seminal 1969 hippie road movie that 
has recently been released on DVD (Co- 
lumbia ‘TriStar, $28, including a making- 
of documentary). Thirty years later, the 
music and mythology endure, but the ef- 
fect of watching this low-budget trip can 
be like listening to 90 minutes of classic 
rock. Jack Nicholson's loopy performance 
is still a delight. The rest, you have to be 
in the mood for. —GREGORY P FAGAN 


Summer of Sam (director Spike Lee bottles Golham's para- 
поюс obsession with the 1977 serial killer; obvious but in- 
volving), Arlington Road (conspiracy theorist Jeff Bridges knows 
only that his neighbor is a right-wing nut; fittingly intense). 


South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (IV's foul-mouthed cartoon 
kids go the distance: o surprising, laugh-out-loud satire), 
American Pie (high school virgins try to lose it before the 
prom: sexual savvy saves it from being Porky's 1999). 


SNL ALUMNI 


Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (Myers again sinks his 
оюгу teeth into Bond and mod Brits; Dr. Evil Is a how). Big 
Daddy (slacker Sandler gets saddled with a five-year-old 
son; no Waterboy, but affectingly mischievous). 


GUILTY PLEASURE 


Wild Wild West (high-tech cowboys Smith and Kline clown it 
up: small-screen holstering reduces frenzied excess to dumb 
fun). Tarzan (Disney animates Burroughs’ ape-man; fewer 
messages and a cool. percussive soundtrack by Phil Collins). 


Run Lola Run (she has 20 minutes to save her boyfriend's butt, 
and German director Tom Tykwer treats it as а dazzling trip- 
tych). Detective (Jean-Luc Godard's casually poced 1985 
multilevel film noit, newly priced for sale). 


37 


“From the very beginning my great-grandfather, 
Adolphus Busch, insisted that it would take 
superior barley to brew a truly greet beer. 

"Barley is where beer begins. It's the body and soul of 
beer. Which is why we invest so much to ensure a 
selection of the highest quality barley for Budweiser. 

“In fact, to meet our own exacting standards, we 
founded Busch Agricultural Resources, to develop 


GETTING TQ 


and perfect varieties of berley end other ingredients. there are two basic types. Two-row is for smoothness and 


We're breeding berley verieties that offer the best taste sweetness. Six-row is for crispness. Our brewmasters 


and consistency for our brewers, and the most versetile blend them to provide Budweiser with just the right 


growing characteristics for our dedicated growers. balance, just as they've done for 123 years. 


“Of the many varieties of barley thet they grow, “Our barley experts do more than develop and distribute 


http//wwv.budveiser.com 


seed. Come harvest time they visit тоге than 2500 fields, at the front end can we ensure a quality beer. 
like this one in Idaho, to hand select the best of the best. “And quality is the very soul of what we do." 


“Our hands-on, proactive approach toward 
August A. Busch Ill. Brewmaster 8. CEO 


ES 


Е Budweiser. 


n Tuis Bup’s for You. 


barley is unique among brewers. And much more 


expensive. But only when we build the quality in | 


| та ©1998 Arhouser Busch, ос. Budweiser Boer, SI. Louis, NO 


40 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


CUT SPAM FROM YOUR DIET 


1f you've been online for more than a 
few months, you've probably started get- 
ting spam— unsolicited business-oppor- 
tunity come-ons, plugs for porn sites and 
ads for miracle diets—in your с-ш 
‘The longer you have an account, the 
worse it gets. How did you get targeted 
for all this spam? 

"Typically, a spammer goes into busi- 
ness by purchasing a CD-ROM contain- 
ing hundreds of thousands of e-mail ad- 
dresses. The evil creeps who make and 
sell these CDs obtain the addresses by 
using an automated “spider” program 
that visits millions of sites across the Web 
and Usenet, grabbing and storing every 
e-mail address it can find. 

A free online service called Brightmail 
Inc. (www.brightmail.com) beats spam- 
mers at their own game. Brightmail 
works by seeding websites and 
groups with thousands of “trap” 
addresses. The spiders scoop up the 
trap addresses along with legitimate 
ones, and it is impossible for spammers 
to tell the difference. When a spammer 
sends junk mail to the addresses on a 
list laced with traps, Brightmail imme- 
diately flags the spam and prevents it 
from being sent to Brightmail users. 

‘The company claims that in tests 
Brightmail nabs about 90 percent 
of spam. Judging from my expe- 
rience, 70 percent is more like it. 
The good news is that as its lists 
get larger, Brightmail gets better. 
So sign up. 


E-COSTLY 


I've been buying all my hardware and 
software from Outpost.com. Its pric- 
es are low, it's well stocked and it offers 
free overnight shipping via Airborne 
Express. But that doesn't. stop me from 
shopping around. I used MySimon.com— 
a price-comparison site—to search for 
the best price on an Agfa CL-30 digital 
camera. MySimon reported that. a com- 
pany called Ecost.com was selling it for 
$327.38, with free shipping. A great 
deal, considering that used CL-30s have 
gone for more on eBay. Ecost's price 
even beat Outpost.com, which was offer- 
ing the camera for $369.95. 5о 1 headed 
to eCost.com, ready to save $42.57. Alter 
filling out the shipping form, I found 
out that the free shipping is standard 
UPS, which meant I might have to wait а 
week before getting the camera. That 
wouldn't do. I've been spoiled by Out- 
post, where I've ordered stuff at five 
in the afternoon and gotten it by 9:30 
the next morning. So I paid eCost's 


$9.75 overnight delivery charge, which 
brought my total to a still respectable 
$337.13. Then I was greeted with three 


ndling fee” of $! 1.95—a pure ВНЕ 
add-on. The total was suddenly $377.08. 
Three: a notice that the item was not in 
stock, but would be deliverca when it be- 
ble. 

I was still asleep the next morning 
when the Airborne Express guy woke 
me up, holdin d-new camera 
from Outpost. Sorry, eCost, but you'll 
have to find some other rube to fork 
over your handling fee. 


FRAMED IN CYBERSPACE 


Once I had my digital camera, I decid- 
ed to put it to use at eframes.com, a site 
that lets you send framed photographs 
as gifts. 1 clicked on the upload button 
and selected a picture of my two-year- 
old daughter that I had on my hard 
drive. I cropped the photo online. Then, 
eFrames showed me dozens of thumb- 
nail images of frames made of wood or 
metal. I picked Metro Cherry for $24 
and kicked in an extra $9.50 for gift 
wrapping. After tax and postage, the to- 
tal was $32.25. Eframes then printed the 
image on high-quality photo stock and 
sent it out. Voi n instant birthday 
present for my mother-in-law. 


BUG BUSTERS 


A few minutes after I pulled my new 
iMac out of the box and started it up, I 
noticed it was acting strange. Every cou- 


ple of minutes, all activity would cease 
for about five seconds, then it would re- 
sume. After poking around in the tech 
support bulletin boards at apple.com, 1 
found what I needed. (Apparently, some 
¡Macs freeze unless there'sa CD-ROM in 
the drive at all times. I tried it, and it 
works.) Now, I'm using MyHelpdesk. 
com to stay abreast of software bugs and 
hardware glitches. You enter the soft- 
ware and type of computer you own, 
and a start page is created for you, with 
links to updates, message boards, chat 
rooms, tips, bug fixes, tech support 
phone numbers and, if all else fails, the 
nearest drop-off repair center. I even 
found an update that permanently fixed 
my iMac bug. Start using this site before 
your computer gets so fouled up that 
you can't get online. 


AUCTION TOOLS 101 


If you've been bitten by the online 
auction bug, here are a few cool tools 
that will streamline your bidding and 
selling. First, sign up for MyEbay (pag 
es.ebay.com/services/mycbay/myebay. 
html), a personalized page that displays 
your pending trades. Then visit Auction 
Watch.com, which provides free image 
hosting, auction counters and a directo- 
ry of hundreds of auction sites. If you 
plan to auction off everything in your 
attic, you'll definitely want a copy of 
Re:Sale (re-ware.com). This $35 pro- 
gram automates every step of the listing 
and selling process—sending confirma- 
tion e-mail, recording payments and 
shipments, sending user feedback, ete 
You may not get rich selling stuff on 
eBay, but you can make enough to take 
your day-trading buddies to dinner. 


QUICK HITS 


Get your screenplay read by Holly- 
wood execs—for a fee—at ScriptShark. 
com. Before you buy that book or CD 
online, check ClickTheButton.com to 
find out if there’s a better deal to be had. 
Mullets are everywhere. At Mullets Ga- 
lore (mullet.cjb.net), you can view an ar- 
ray of mulleted men and women, along 

ith descriptions. Thoroughly polit 
correct. Also hilarious. Locate a hiking 
trail in the Western U.S. at TrailMaps. 
com, then turn off the computer and 
head outside. In college? Shop at edu. 
com for student discounts on everything 
from textbooks to travel packages. You 
can't buy Cubans in U.S. cigar stores 
(unless you know the secret word), but 
cuban-cigars.net ships anywhere in the 
world. It can't, however, promise that 
your shipment won't end up in the hu- 
midor of a U.S. Customs officer with а 
nose for quality. 


FOR GENTLEMEN WHO PREFER BLONDES 


The Blonde (Chronicle), by Barnaby Conrad 111, takes on the 
difficult task of assessing the sexual allure of women with 
blonde hair. We applaud the effort. The pages are packed 
with World War II-era advertisements, paintings and great 
photographs of such actresses as Marilyn Monroe, Jean Har- 
low, Grace Kelly, Marlene Dietrich and Veronica Lake. The 
text isn't nearly so compelling—but 
it doesn't have to be 
Conrad dutiful- 
ly provides brief 
summaries of the 
lives of starlets, 
quotes from fa- 
mous men on why 
they prefer blondes 
(Hitchcock said they 
make the best vic- 
tims) and even an enlightening 
history of hair dyeing. The Mari- 
Iyn Encyclopedia (Overlook), by Ad- 
am Victor, is a meticulously re- 
searched, easy-to-read volume 
about that most famous blonde, 
Marilyn Monroe. It provides hun- 

dreds of photographs, including many that show her in un- 
guarded moments. Should you manage to tear your eyes 
away from the pictures long enough to read the text, you'll 
find that Victor has tried to collect every fact, quote, anecdote 
and bit of gossip about Monroe. The book contains entries 
such as the Kennedys, underwear (she rarely wore it) and hair 
(she bleached more than the hair on her head). Blondes are 
simply more riveting than brunettes. —PATTY LAMBERTI 


КОШ 


OBSESSIONS 


Yukon Alone: The World's Toughest Adventure Race (Holt): Los 
Angeles Times correspondent John Bolzar follows the frigid 
trail of the Yukon Quest International Sled Dog Race. Run 
over a treacherous 1000-mile route between Whitehorse 
‘and Fairbanks, this remorkable feot of humon and conine 
enduronce makes the Iditorod look like o made-for- 
ESPN event. Passage to Juneau: A Sea and Its Meanings (Pan- 
Theon]: Jonothan Robon sets out on а 1000-mile solo boat- 
ing trip olong the Inside Passage, from Puget Sound to 
Juneau. Intending “to meditate on the seo, ot sea,” Roban, 
unfortunately, meditctes mostly on himself. Lasso the Wind: 
Away to the New West (Knopf): New York Times cor- 
respondent Timothy Egon takes off by car from Soottle, cov- 
ering thousonds of miles through 11 states. Egor's explo- 
ration of the West їз а complete success. Those who prefer 
to take the octual trip will need Paul McMenamin’s National 
Geographic Ultimate Adventure Sourcebook. 
Whether it's raft- 
ing, mountain 
climbing, kayok- 
ing or ballooning, 
he provides oll 
the informotion 
on how to get 
started ond 
where. 
— PAUL ENGLEMAN 


FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD 


What better time than the dead 
of winter to pour a glass of port 
and read about food? Food: A Culi- 
nary History (Columbia Universi- 
ty), edited by Jean-Louis Flan- 
drin and Massimo Montanari, is 
filled with great facts (Marco Polo 
didn't introduce pasta to Europe, 
Egyptians ate with their hands) 
and makes us rethink eating hab- 
its we take for granted. Aldo Buz- 
zi is amazing, whether he writes 
about spaghetti with meat sauce 
or the history of toothpicks. In A 
Weakness for Almost Everything: Notes on Life, Gastronomy and Travel 
(Steerforth), he ruminates on the nature of food and place. If 
you want practical guidance, Alain Ducasse's Flavors of France 
(Workman) is a terrific cookbook. As you would expect, Du- 
casse, a three-star Paris maestro, shares a few daunting rec- 
ipes. But he also 
offers some in- 
triguingly simple 
ones (e.g., sautéed 
pumpkin slices 
with Szechuan pep- 
percorns). In Sa- 
veur Cooks Authentic 
American (Chroni- 
cle), the editors of 
America's best food 
magazine entice us 
with a batch of clas- 
sic dishes—from 
Down East baked 
beans to Tennes- 
see fried chicken 
to cedar-smoked 
salmon. Running 
Press has reissued 
James Beard's Theo- 
ry and Practice of 
Good Cooking. Don't 
let the staid title 
fool you—this is 
the best kitch- 
en primer you'll 
ever find. Calvin 
Schwabe's Unmen- 
tionable Cuisine (Virginia) offers matter-of-fact recipes for frogs 
and lampreys, but it's not all bizarre. This cookbook is the best 
place to learn about unusual dishes. 


FROM OUR 
CONTRIBUTORS 


Entertainment 101: An Industry Primer 
(Pomegranate), by Rodger Claire: The 
scoop obout the biz, with оп intro by 
Playboy Executive VP Richard Rosen- 
zweig. Where Did I Go Right? (Little, 
Brown), by Bernie Brillstein with Dovid 
Rensin: The úberagent recounts how he 
built his business and aided such clients 
os Jim Henson and John Belushi. The 
Man With My Cat (St. Martin's), by Paul 
Engleman: The Shamus Award-winning 
mystery writer uses Chicogo os the back- 
drop for a stolen-cot coper. A Nice Tues- 
doy (Golden), by Pat Jordon: Ex-pitching 
phenom wonts to prove he still hos his 
stuff. Talking With Michener (Unive 
Press of Mississippi), by Lowrence Gro- 
bel: A book-length interview with Mich- 
ener thot wos expanded from his 19B1 
арреогапсе in PLAYBOY. Take Five (Dal- 
key Archive), by D. Keith Mano: Simon 
Lynxx, con mon and filmmaker, fast-tolks 
his way through excess. 


—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


MOOD MOVIES 
Two silhouetted figures—a mon ond a wom- 
‘on—stond in on airplane hangar, poised to 
disappeor into a netherworld shrouded in 
fog. It’s a scene from 195575 Big Combo, 
ond it’s quintessential film noir—shad- 
owy bars, dork streets, deodly femoles 
ond doppelgángers setting the mood for 
sinister goings-on. Alain Silver ond 
Jomes Ursini's homoge to the genre is 
The Noir Style (Overlook), with smort 
text and great stills from the classic 
period (Moltese Falcon) through the 
neo-noir films of the Nineties (Romeo Is 
Bleeding). Perfect for rainy nights. HELEN FRANGOULIS 41 


ШІСЕН 


THE GREAT WHITE WAY—TO СЕТ FIT 


IF WINTER WORKOUTS in a stuffy gym give you cabin fever, con- 
sider this cure: snowshoes. Once a utilitarian method of trans- 
port for snowbound fur trappers, snowshoeing has become 
one of the frigid season’s fastest-growing sports. Participation 
is up 80 percent since 1997, and more than 225,000 pairs of 
snowshoes were sold last year. Modern snowshoes are light- 
weight and easy to use just about anywhere there's snow on 
the ground, and they deliver a great workout that gets you 
out of the health club and into fresh air. 

rrr Facts: "The simplicity of the sport is attractive to most 
people,” says Nate Goldberg, product manager at Colorado's 
Beaver Creek Cross-country Ski Center, which offers 40-plus 
kilometers of snowshoe and cross-country trails. “You don't 
need lessons or a lot of special gear. The only learning curves 
are getting the shoes on and adjusting your gait slightly.” 
Goldberg's top tip for beginners: Lift your feet completely off 
the ground as you walk. Shuffling can cause even seasoned 
snowshoers to trip on the traction cleats on the bottom of the 
shoes. How efficient is the workout? According to a study con 
ducted by Ball State and the University of Vermont, snow- 
shoers can burn up to 52 percent more calories than walkers 
traveling at the same pace, from 420 calories per hour on flat 
trails to more than 1000 calories per hour on hilly terrain. Be- 
cause changing snow conditions and landscape can dramati- 
cally affect your endurance, use time instead of distance to 
measure the length of your workout. A 20-minute hike on a 
level trail is plenty challenging for beginners, but try and 
work up to 45 minutes. As you build stamina, add speed on 
steeper terrain to reach your target heart rate range. (That's 
220 minus your age, multiplied by 0.65 and 0.85.) Walking or 
running in deep snow 15 another Way to increase intensity. 


Below: The Tubbs Piranha is a racing snowshoe that weighs 2.5 
pounds (per рай) and comes with Reebok’s Winter runner DMX6 
shoes (about $500). Right: What awaits you back at the lodge. 


=] 
| 
ЕЛ 


they're priced from less than $100 for entry-level hikers to 
$300 and up for Everest-ready expedition models. Shoes are 
sized by width and length (9/x30", for example) with larger 
shoes intended for floating heavier hikers in deep powder. 
Buy the smallest shoes that will get the job done. They'll be 
lighter and more maneuverable. Here are some of this sea- 
son's top picks. Running: Tubbs Piranha ($399)—These track 
shoes for the snow have a carbon-fiber frame and titanium 
cleats that reduce weight to 2.5 pounds per pair. The Piranha 
will be packaged with the new snowshoe-specific Recbok Win- 
ter runner DMX6 ($120), which has a waterproof and breath- 
able inner bootie and a tight-fitting upper that sheds snow. 


Trail hiking: Crescent Moon Permagrin 9 ($239)—A tapered 
shape makes it easy for anyone to walk or run in this shoe, 
which weighs just 3.1 pounds per pair. Minimalists will ap- 


preciate the new 1.2-pound 
Snow-Tracker by Atlas Snow- 
shoe Go. ($59), essentially а 
snowshoe binding and alu 
minum cleats that strap on 
over hiking boots or running 


And if you're supertit, try hiking or running up a groomed ski 
run, an activity permitted at many resorts. But do yourself 
a favor and ride the lift down. Descending the mountain 
on snowshoes puts too much strain on the knees. Warning: 
Novice snowshoers vacationing at a mountain resort need to 
е their bodies time to adjust to the oxygen-poor alpine air 
For every 1000 feet of elevation over 5000 feet your body 
works three percent harder than at sea level," says Goldberg, 
Snowshoeing is a lot more work than alpine skiing or snow- 
boarding. If you rush into it, you could experience headaches 
and nausea. Give yourself few easy days to get used to the al- 
titude. And drink jugs of water. 

THE GEAR: You can give snowshoeing a try with rental shoes 


42 available at most winter resorts. But if you want your own, 


shoes for grahby traction on 
packed trails. Off-trail on powder: Sherpa Khumbu Climber 
($209)—Float over the deep stuff on these shoes, which feature 
bindings that can be adjusted for a variety of snow conditions. 

WHERE TO SNOWSHOE: As long as there is at least a few inches 
of white stuff on the ground, you can get a snowshoe workout. 
For breathtaking scenery and challenging terrain, here are 
our favorite spots. Vermont: The Long Trail is a border-to- 
border trail system connecting mountaintop lodges and 
life areas. Minnesota: Follow scenic ridgelines from Duluth to 
the Canadian border on the 300-mile Superior Hiking Trail 
Colorado: Vail and Beaver Creek Resorts each feature snow- 
shoe centers with miles of wooded trails. For additional snow- 
shoe spots, visit tubbs-trailnet.corn, yubashoes.com, redfeath- 
er.com or www.atlassnowshoe.com. — —CHARLES PLUEDDEMAN 


WHERE в HOW 7O BUY ON PAGE 266 


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Ву А$А ВАВЕК 


EVERY MAN THINKS һе will live forever, so 
let us move beyond the mundane issue 
of Y2K and turn our focus to Y3K. What 
will life be like for us on January 1, 30007 

That is a question you rarely hear men 
ask today, but it deserves our consider- 
ation. Because, as egotistical males, we 
believe ourselves to be indispensable to 
the world, and we all secretly plan to be 
around 1000 years from now, don't we? 

I spoke last week to Dr. Anus Scratch, 
one of the world's foremost futurologists 
and author of the best-selling book Sex, 
Lies and Y3K. Dr. Scratch is an older man 
with slightly crossed eyes. He was born 
and raised in Zurich, Switzerland, emi- 
grated to the U.S. years ago, has a Ph.D. 
in futurology from Carl Sagan Universi- 
ty in Needles, California and won the 
1998 Nobel Prize in Medicine for his 
work in the relatively new field of ap- 
plied anal massage. His penetrating arti- 
cle "The Vibrating Prostate and Holistic 
Health" sets the standard for radical sci- 
entific research to this day, and Oliver 
Stone's film about his life, Swiss Mist, 
won cight Oscar nominations last ycar. 
(Woody Allen played the role of Scratch 
with modesty and precision.) I spoke to 
Scratch in his office at the Department of 
Futuristics in Washington, D.C. 

Baber: Іп your book Sex, Lies and ҮЗК, 
you predict that life in the year 3000 will 
be blissful lor men. How so? 

Dr. Scratch: Over the next 1000 years, 
women are going to learn to cherish 
men as never before. 

Baber; How will this be possible, given 
thc tensions and misunderstandings be- 
tween the sexes today? 

Dr. Scratch: Easy. By the third millenni 
um, most men will be living on Mars, 
while most women will remain here on 
Earth. Men will look better to women 
from a distance. 

Baber: Please explain. 

Dr. Scratch: Something that women 
find difficult to talk about, except among 
themselves, is how yucky (to use their 
word for it) males appear to females. In 
the eyes of the average woman, men 
really arc a mess. To hear women tell it, 
we can't do anything right. We choose 
the wrong clothes, cat the wrong foods, 
live like pigs, think only about sex, have 
no social skills worth mentioning, like 
sports too much, don't talk enough, 
seem to be genetically lazy and—on top 
of all that—are too dense to understand 
how disliked we are by the opposite sex. 

Baber: So the solution is? 

Dr. Scraich: Only the most politically 
correct pussy-boys will be allowed to re- 
main here on Earth. All other men—es- 
pecially men like you who "don't get 


it" —will be shipped to Mars. 


SEX, LIES 
AND Y3K 


Baber: Pussy-boys? What exactly does 
that term mean to you? 

Dr. Scratch: Pussy-boys refers to men, 
straight or gay, who agree with every- 
thing women tell them. They buy every 
feminist argument and fear the criticism. 
of women more than they fear death. 
Pussy-boys are pussy-whipped. They 
cannot think for themselves. And they 
are the only men who will be allowed to 
remain on Earth by 3000 an 

Baber: So women and their male syco- 
phants vill take over this planet and ban- 
ish regular guys to Mars? That doesn't 
sound good to me. 

Dr. Scratch: You would prefer Uranus? 

Baber: That's not the point. Why do 1 
have to be the one who leaves Earth? 

Dr. Scratch: Because you are a loser. It 


is as simple as that. Call it the tyranny of 


the majority. Women and pussy-boys 
make up the political majority in our 
democracy now and will gain power in 
the future. They will be able to do what- 
ever they want. Besides, Mars will be fab- 
ulous for a man like you. 

Baber: How so? 

Dr. Scratch: Mars is like heaven to a 
rogue of your tastes. The lakes are filled 
with beer and the rivers run with vod- 
ka. You have electronic games on every 
wall and pot in every chicken. You never 
have to clean up your room, and you 
don’t even have to work for a living, be- 
cause оп Mars you're judged by how 
well you joke and kid around. not by 
how well you kill yourself on the job 
And the aliens! You ought to see the 
aliens! They can read your mind and 
turn themselves into your f 
sy. Want a PLAYBOY Centerfold 
bed? Your thoughts will make it so. Want 


Î with sweet soy, wasabi and pineapple re- 


to groin-wrestle Demi Moore as she 
looked in G.I. Jane? Ве my guest. Don't 
knock Mars until you've tried it, Baber. 

Baler: OK. But what will life be like 
for those who stay here on Earth? 

Dr. Scratch: Life will be like one big c 
fee klatch, night and day: Chatter, blab, 
gossip, spit out words like a Gatling gun 
until you've hosed down everybody with 
your mean-spirited talk. The bathroom 
towels will all have lace and the food will 
be exotic. Want a plain hot dog with 
pickles and mustard on Farth in the year 
3000? Nothing like that vill be allowed 
in girly-man country. The hot dog of 
the future will be made out of seaweed, 
cooked in an herb-garlic broth, mixed 


moulade, set on a bed of fennel 
companied by butternut squash ray oli 
in a robust duck stock and crisp polenta 
with a touch of braised savoy cabbage 
and a side of sautéed sweetbreads with 
caramelized endive and sherry vinegar, 
all brought together with a bold mixture 
of chopped olives and capers. And your 
waiter's name will be Gary. 

Baber: Will there be any communica- 
tion between Mars and Earth? 

Dr. Scratch: Same as now. Only when 
the earthlings want it, but not when they 
have a headache. 

Baber: So men can have all the sex and 
games they want on Mars? And there 
will be no women or pussy-boys around 
to knock us and mock us for being too 
hon ind macho? 

Dr. Scratch: Usually not. 

Baber: So there's a catch? 

Dr. Scratch: A small onc. 

Baber: Which is? 

Dr. Scratch: On Mars, you will be under 
constant TV surveillance from Earth. If 
you misbehave too much, if you become 
a totally unreconstructed male who farts 
and scratches and blows his nose without 
a handkerchief and consumes pizza and 

ants only to get laid, you can be hauled 
back to Farth immediately and locked 
up for eternity in a perfumed bedroom 
with pink wallpaper and pink satin 
sheets and Barry Manilow on the stereo, 
which can never be turned off. 

Baber: So there will never be a final 
escape for men from the shame-and- 
blame game: 

Dr. Scratch: Ws not looking good. But 
keep smiling, Ace. My computer projec- 
tions show that by 4002, things might get 
betier—if you're a good boy between 
now and then, that 

Baber: You're telling me that we have 
to wait for Y4K before there will really 
be peace between the sexes? 

Dr. Scratch: Maybe. Maybe not. And 


stop crying. 


do. 


а 


SHE'LL TRY TO CHANGE EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOUR SOCKS 


BY SONNY MICELI 


YOU WANT TO know how a six-month re- 
lationship can fall apart overnight? Lis- 
ten up. 

For many years, Sal has been my bar- 
ber. He's a good Italian boy, given name 
Salvatore. He's almost 30 now. Sturdy, 
handsome, he stands about 5/10”, getting 
a little thick around the middle. 

Sal went into the Marines out of high 
school. Bounced around the globe—saw 
some action he doesn't talk about much. 
He's been a barber ever since. Used to 
be a problem guy—classic postmilitary 
stuff. A few drugs here, too many drinks 
there. A few spells where he stayed in 
his apartment for weeks at a time. Has 
a passion for Asian women and Latin 
women—long before La Vida Contempa. 

Now, he's upstanding. No drugs, a lit- 
tle drink, Mr. Reliable in the barbershop. 

He was married once, briefly, when he 
was still a kid. Since then he's had a cou- 
ple of semiserious relationships. 

He's a car guy. Years ago he had a 
near-vintage Corvette that was damaged 
beyond repair by a drunken fool with- 
out insurance. So Sal started driving a 
GMC Jimmy that a customer gave him, 
no charge. He hated the car, hated it. It 
wasn't him. Finally, a friend in the busi- 
ness found a cherry white '93 Eldorado 
and made him a good deal. He puta CD 
player in the dash; it’s his jewel. (Sal has 
friends everywhere.) 

Sal met Kerry about five years ago and 


they started dating. Within a couple 
months they were seeing each other ex- 
clusively. Kerry is Sal's age; she works as 
an office manager 

So things were going OK, not perfect 
Kerry's a little femmy for the Italian in 
Sal, plus she’s very health conscious, 
which Sal is not. Kerry is a fussbudget 
about food. Sal's favorite foods are osso 
buco and stuffed peppers. 

Sexually, things were fine. They had 
worked out who slept over where, and 
when. They went out all the time. Sal 
likes to be in bars and restaurants—and 
he has that cool city-guy talent of know- 
ing what's hot and when to go there. He 
also is one of those guys who ends up 
eating late with the owner of the restau- 
rant or the chef, and Kerry was right 
there with him. 

Then things got a little rocky. Kerry 
wanted more commitment; she wanted 
to know where the relationship was go- 
ing. Sal didn't have the right answer, but 
he didn't have the wrong answer, either. 
So on some of my visits to the shop, Ker- 
ry and Sal were still on, and on some vis- 
its to the shop, things were off. 

Kerry developed an obsession that she 
wanted to live someplace other than her 
rented apartment, and the word condo 
took over. Financially, they could do bet- 
ter as a couple, so she tried to convince 
Sal that they should pool their resources 
and live together in a better place in а 
better community. 

A couple of weeks later, I asked him 


how things were going with Kerry. “I 
stopped seeing her for a while. Then I 
saw her at a birthday party, and she in- 
vited me back to her place for a drink 
and a talk, and, you know, we ended 
up in bed. She calls me a couple of 
days later and we got together for lunch 
and we pretty much were seeing each 
other again. 

“So she brings up this condo idea 
again. She had seen something she real- 
ly liked. She asked would 1 look at it with 
her. If she bought it, would I help her fix 
it up? 

“We go to see the condo, and it's really 
nice. There were things I could do that 
would improve it. I told her I thought 
she could be happy there. 

"A couple days later, she calls me. 
Wants to know if we can have dinner. 

"We go to Francesca's—you know 1 
love that restaurant—and I persuade 
her to try the veal. We have a pretty 
good time, but I can эсе that she has 
something on her mind 

"She says she's been thinking about. 
us. How it would be great if we could do 
this condo thing together. I told her that 
the idea was growing on me 

"She wants to know if I want to know 
how she feels. I ask her how she feels. 
She says, "You know, I think this could 
really work out. If you would do a cou- 
ple of things." 

“Газ thinking she's talking about the 
shelves in the bathroom. 

"And she says, well, there are three 
things. If 1 would do these three things 
she thinks that we'd have a really good 
shot together. 

“First, she says, I need to get a real job. 
No more of this barbershop. I need to 
find a job where I could make some real 
money. Some kind of manager or some- 
thing. Ora job in the financial world 

"Second, she says, I need to stop hang- 
ing out in bars. Do I know how much 
money I throw away in a weck just buy- 
ing drinks for people? 

"And third, she says, I need to get rid 
of that expensive car and get something 


story. I told it to my girlfriend, who 
couldn't believe it. I told it to a legend 
of the Single Life, Hollywood Rick. He 
asked, amazed, "How long did she go 
out with him? His fucking landlord 
knows him better than that." 

Eventually it came time to ask Sal if it 
about him. He smiled at 
Sure,” he said. Then, as I 
got ready to leave, he asked, “Will you 
remember to say that she tried to turn 
me into a vegetarian?” 


45 


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Blackjack, or 21, is the most popular casino game. It's simple and, if played correctly, gives the cosine only o slight advantage. 
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which to stand on. With this knowledge, you'll be able to play the casino close to even. Remember, your goal is to beat the dealer, 
пот just get os close to 21 as possible. Above ore five indisputable rules to tollow when you're playing the type ot six- or eight-deck 
blackjack most commonly dealt in Los Vegas. (These rules don't apply in casinos where single-deck blackjack is dealt.) 


The Italian Connection 


МУ Agusta dominated motorcycle racing for 
decades, winning 75 world championships 
and 270 grond prix races before retiring from 
the field in 1976. Now Cagiva has designed 
a bike worthy of the legendary marque. 

The hand-built Agusto F4 Series Oro (shown 
here) is equal parts sex and acceleration. The prototype stole the show 

at Guggenheim's Art of the Motorcycle exhibit. Approximately 20 are being 
imported to the U.S. and those ore being scooped up by Lyle Lovett, Jay 
Leno and other aficionados for $36,995 each. The rest of us will hove to 
weit for the Strada (the street version) tagged ol 
518,900. It's coming soon. 


Players’ Party 


Yau don’t have Super Bowl tickets? So what? 
Take с cue from the pros end heed to the 
NFL Ployers’ Party thrown each year where the 
Super Bowl is held. This year's bash, which 
runs nightly from January 28th through Super 
Bowl Sunday on the 30th, will take place at 
the Apporel Mart in Atlanta. Sony is one of 
the party's hosts, so all the action will be 
right there on big-screen TVs. Mingling in the 
crawd will be hundreds of current and for- 
mer football players who also participate in 
basketboll and paol tournaments, as well 
as sign autographs. The $5 to $15 admis- 
sion charge includes food, beer, giveaways 
and plenty of schmoaze time with the pros. 


Clothesline: Norm Macdonald 
and lan Gomez 


"I like comfortable stuff, the kind of 
clothes on old man would wear,” soys 
Norm Mocdonald (right), star of ABC's 
The Norm Show and oll-round funny guy. 
"Sweotponts ond sweotshirts, anything 
thot feels like pojomos. Nick Nolte weors 
pajamas in public. If | ever де thot fo- 
mous, | will too. That’s my definition of 
success—pojomas in public and a tux to 
bed. I'm designer illiterate.” Take о cue 
from Hef, Norm, and chuck the tux. lan 
Gomez (left), озо cf The Norm Show, likes 
Hugo Boss. “His clothes look good on me 
despite ће foct that I'm not o 40 regular. I 
shop molls becouse you con find different 
stores ond styles under one roof. There 


Liver and Let Live 


Most people think of foie gras os o terrine—often with o 
center vein of truffles. This is certainly its most common 


preporotion ond has mode its birthploce, the Alsotian city 
of Strosbourg, о gastronomic copitol. But goose liver is 
much more versatile than thot. Until recently it was illegol 
to get fresh French foie gras in this country. So Michael 
Ginor founded Hudson Valley Foie Gros ond became the 
world’s largest producer of premium goose liver. His 
book, Foie Gros А Passion (Wiley) is on excellent 

ide and cookbook on its rich subject. (Check out the 


wos a time when people at the Gop in the 
Beverly Center in Los Angeles knew my 
name. Then it got to be loo much. 1 meon, 
how mony polo shirts can you hove?” 
Gomez’ favorite item of clothing? “A big 
опа baggy shirt made of brown crushed 
velour and corduroy. My wife bought it for 
те. | weor it with everything. But it’s a 


look thot doesn't olways work.” 


miso-morinated foie gras, above.) Every major restouront 
in the U.S. now hos some foie gros dish on its menu— 
vsvolly os o luscious first course. The troditionol accom- 
puniment is u wine frum Borsuc or Sauternes. Our fo- 
vorite is о Choteau Riessec with some оде on it. 


Guys Are Talking About . 


Manly watches. They don’t get more masculine thon TAG 
Heuer's Link Automotic Chronogroph (below), with а case 
cut from a block of steel. Other feotures: slightly oversize 


hands ond a special stoinless steel Link bracelet with а big 
buckle. Price: $2395. ® Luxury cor-care products. One 
Grand's Blitz Wax ("the world's finest handcrafted cornauba 
wax") is just one of its many outomotive products you won't 
find in o mass-merchandise cor store. Instecd, One Grond 
concentrates on quolity and customer service. Serious cor 
collectors have known about its products for 60 yeors ond 
Queen Elizobeth Il hos gronted the company the Royol Seol. 
e Titanium tennis racquets. Heod's new Ti Radical rocquet, 
co-designed by Andre Agassi and used by him to win this 
year's French ond U.S. Opens, is o must-try. Price: about 
5200. * Head shaving. 

Anyone into the bald 

look should check out 

the Heod Blade, o ro- 

zor from the Heod 


“You slept with it under your pillow. Caressed it lovingly with 
ой. Inhaled thot intoxicating leather scent. The thrill of your first 
boseboll glove con now be experienced every doy.” That's how 
Lombardo Lid. markets its new line of Rowlings’ mitt leother 
trovel bogs ond personol goods. As the compony crows іп one 
of its brochures: “Finolly, it's fun to be а grown-up.” The nomes 
оп the products oll hove о boseboll spin. The agendo (above) is 
Assist (5165), а messenger bag is Delivery |5355), o travel wol- 
let is Awoy Game (580) ond o bockpock is Out of the Pork 
(6185). Like o boseboll glove, they develop o rich patina ond 
get better with age. And if you're not into the tan leother look, 
Lombardo offers items in block leather ond travel bogs in black 

48 convas trimmed with tan leother. 


exclusively for shoving 
the scolp. The blade, 


which pivots ond 


curves of one's 

heod, fits in the palm 

of your hand. Price: 

$15. A stoinless steel 

stond for the rozor is $8 

е Electric-car rentals. EV 

Rentol Cars now offers elec- 

tric cars by GM, Hondo and others 
at six locotions in Colifornio 


WHERE & HOW TO BLY ON PAGE 266. 


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Шге Playboy Advisor 


Im a 28-year-old graduate student who 
most people would judge to be hand- 
some. Earlier this year, ] began noticing 
a gorgeous student from another de- 
partment. We seemed to keep similar 
schedules, and I would often see her in 
the library or the cafeteria. We have nev- 
er met, but for a long time we exchanged 
semiflirtatious smiles and glances. Often, 
1 would look up and catch her staring 
at me, and then she would quickly look 
away. Many times she caught me doing 
the same. A few times we passed on cam- 
pus and said hello. Afier several months 
of this, I waited for the right moment 
10 introduce myself. Then something 
strange happened: For no reason that 
1 can discern, the smiles and glances 
stopped. I have a clear vibe about this: If 
she's aware of my presence, or if she 
spots me on the street, she makes an ef- 
fort not to look my way. Naturally, I take 
this as a bad sign, but some of my friends 
think her new body language might be 
good news. Perhaps she feels rejected 
because I didn't talk to her when I had a 
window of opportunity. Or maybe she's 
interested but just nervous. Obviously, 
she's aware of my presence. Then again, 
maybe she just thinks I'm a creep and 
hopes I'll get lost. Is there any way to tell 
these things before I walk up to her and 
risk making a fool of myself?—J.M.. Bos- 
ton, Massachusetts 

Yikes. The energy you've wasted analyzing 
this situation could power every street lamp 
on the Eastern Seaboard, Quil waiting for 
the perfect mament, because it will never ar- 
rive. Make eye contact, smile, say hello and 
tell her, “Tve seen you around for months 
and thought it was time to introduce myself 
Lm sorry 1 didn't do it sooner." Стоп, man, 
this is а gimme. Ask her aut for coffee. We 
can't imagine she'll turn you down, but if she 
does, a quick sting is better than smoldering 
regret. 


When home compact disc recorders hit 
the market, I was overjoyed that 1 could 
make my own compact discs at home. 
However, a friend told me that the fin- 
ished CD-Rs would only last about ten 
years. That seems no better than home 
ette recordings. Does the Advisor 
know anything about this2—] K., Dan- 
ville, Virginia. 

Your friend is right. While retail music 
CDs and computer CD-ROMs have a life 
span of 50 years or more, the dye thal allows 
you to record to a CD-R or a rewritable CD- 
RW is more susceptible to damage from tem- 
perature, humidity and handling. You'll be 
doing well if in 2010 you can play the CDs 
you create today. That's assuming, given 
how quickly technology changes, that you 
can still locate a CD player. 


1 could usually make my ex-girlfriend 
come with my tongue in less than three 
minutes (she timed me once at 2:40). We 
still see each other around, and one 
night when her new boyfriend was out of 
town she asked me over for some take- 
out and a movie. | ended up giving her 
head on the couch. She had an amazing 
orgasm, and we fucked the rest of the 
night. The next morning she said she 
felt guilty and that she didn't want to 
fuck again. But then she said 1 could 
come over to her place at least twice a 
week and perform oral sex on her. She 
said she wouldn't feel guilty about that. 1 
love to eat her pussy, but what's in it for 
me? Га like to tell her, “If I do you, you 
do me," but I don't want to sound like an 
hole. Please advise.—].R., San Diego, 
California 

"What's in it for me?” is the right ques- 
tion, and the answer is "aggravation." Tell 
your ex to make up her mind—she's with 
you, or she's not with you. We don't encour- 
age anyone to cheat, but if she's going to 
sneak around, you should at least get sex 
ош of il. 


My wife and 1 commute together and 
always get stuck in freeway traffic. If a 
lane adjacent to us is moving faster than 
the one we're in, ГЇЇ switch. My wife says 

1 should sit tight, because everyone 
switching and making the fast-moving 
nes more congested, Who's right — 
EW, Los Angeles, California 

Changing lanes in a traffic jam might 
save you a few minutes, but most of the time 
it only increases your risk of being involved 
іп an accident. That causes a big delay for 
you and everyone behind you. According to 


ILLUSTRATION EY ISTYAN BANYAN 


researchers armed with computer simula- 
lions and videotape evidence, most lane 
changes in a traffic jam are pointless be- 
cause the average speed of each lane is the 
same. But because the speed of each lane 
isn't constant, and because drivers gauge the 
‘peed of adjacent lanes only when they 
are stopped (i.e., every time you check, you're 
in the slow lane), one or another lane always 
appears lo be moving faster. We also tend to 
ignore cars we're passing or have passed 
(since they leave our vision) and concentrate 
on those that move ahead of us, creating the 
illusion that we're falling behind. It's best lo 
play that funky music, stay cool and let the 
river of traffic carry you to work 


Û know this might be sacrilege, but the 
approach of the Christmas season and 
the inevitable TV movies depicting the 
life of Christ has me thinking: Did Jesus 
ever have sex?—R.E, Atlanta, Georgia 

The Bible has nothing straightforward to 
say about Jesus’ sex life. However, even Mar- 
tin Luther supposed that Jesus wasn't celi- 
bate, and a modern group of biblical scholars 
concluded the same. Some theologians be- 
lieve s married as a young man in the 
Jewish tradition, with the most likely candi- 
dute for his spouse being Mary Magdalene. 
Others argue less convincingly that Jesus 
таз a swinger, a polygamist, bisexual or gay. 
William Phipps, who in his book The Sexu- 
ality of Jesus reprints some of the hate mail 
he's received for claiming that Jesus had a 
wife, notes thal many Christians "presume 
that the human sex drive is an evil inheril- 
ed from disobedient persons, so the holy Je- 
sus could not have had it." Regardless of 
whether he was celibate, Jesus knew the pow- 
er of sexual longing (he preached against di- 
recling il toward another person's spouse). 
He also was human, so like any man he ex- 
perienced the pleasure of erections and or- 
gasms, even if the latter occurred only in the 
form of wet dreams. 


Jes 


Dia you see the obituary in the London 
Guardian for Mae West's longtime com- 
panion, Paul Novak? It says Diamond Lil 
used to blow him every day because she 
thought it was good for her skin. A girl- 
friend of mine believes semen makes her 
boobs grow. I'm open-mouthed in amaze- 
ment. Is there any scientific evidence for 
these theories? —B.M., Newport, United 
Kingdom 

None, but we've always been believers in 
the power of suggestion. 


My wife and 1 have known cach other 
for nine years and have had sex thou- 
sands of times. But we have reached a 
plateau. 1 have always secretly believed 
that a man can make love to the same 


51 


PLAYBOY 


52 


woman only a certain number of times. 
What does the Advisor think?—F P, Fay- 
etteville, Arkansas 

Not true. She's never the same woman, 
and you're never the same man. This is a 
challeuge faced by every couple, and one way 
to address it is to start over. Pretend you've 
just met, she's playing hard to get, you're 
wondering what she looks like under those 
tight clothes. She bends over, teases you, 
(тіз, scolds, touches and talks dirty like on- 
ly an innocent girl can. You bring her tokens 
of your affection, take her to dinner, try to 
get her into bed by impressing the hell out of 
her with your wit aud charm. She resists, 
you work your magic. Hey—it worked once. 
When you feel you've reached the plateau, 
return to the foot of the mountain. 


Can you explain how blackjack players 
count cards? How do they do it when a 
shoe has multiple decks shuffled togeth- 
er? Is it difficult to learn?—H.R., Du- 
luth, Minnesota 

H's not difficult, but casinos look unkind- 
ly on the practice, and counters must adopt 
elaborate strategies to hide their craft. See 
Tan Andersen's book Burning the Tables in 
Las Vegas for particulars. In the most basic 
form of counting cards, you assign a numer- 
ical value lo each card that's dealt [rom the 
shoe and add or subtract that value [rom the 
running count. Andersen explains: “1 start 
at zero, then add oue when I see 2, 3, +, 5 ог 
6, subtract one when I see 10,1, О, K or A 
and do nothing when I see 7, 8 or 9. But 
most effective playing and betting decisions 
are based on what's known as the true count. 
You gel that by dividing your running count 
by the number of decks left in the shoe. lf Tm 
playing against a six-deck shoe and my run- 
ning count is plus eight with four decks re- 
maining, the true count is two. The higher 
the true count, the greater my advantage.” 
As the dealer works farther into the shoe, the 
count carries more weight in determining 
whether the player should stand, take a hil, 
double down or buy insurance. More impor- 
tant, it guides his bets. 


What are the most common mistakes a 
man makes in bed? Tell me, so I'll never 
make them.—T.C., Dallas, Texas 

Eating in bed is always a bummer, Sauce 
everywhere. If you're fortunate enough to 
have a woman with you, her chief complaint 
probably will be that you're too abrupt, grab- 
bing and pinching and groping. One sex 
manual suggests that men do everything half 
as fast and twice as softly as they think they 
should. Another common mistake is gelling 
mt out of shape when the woman tells you 
what she likes, because you prefer to figure it 
out yourself (and you'll be by yourself with 
that attitude). A guy should never insert his 
fingers or penis before the woman is suffi- 
ciently lubricated, which can be painjul. 
Make sure she's good and wet, aud be gener- 
ous with the lube. Once you have her near 
climax, don't change your rhythm or tech- 
nique. And don't stop just because she has 


reached orgasm (she'll tell you when she’s 
had enough). The most common mistakes a 
woman makes are similar: She applies the 
same lechniques to every man she's with re- 
gardless of what he likes, she grows irritated 
if he offers instruction, or she plays too hard 
(or not hard enough) with his cock. On the 
bright side, the things men and women do 
right in bed is a much longer list. 


Ive read stories online about celebrities 
who appeared in porn early in their ca- 
rcers. 18 that true, or do these films fea- 
ture look-alikes? If they exist, where can 
I find them?—T.M., San Antonio, Texas 

The creator of the movie nudie site Mr 
Shin.com suggests that everyone calm down 
and think about this for a minute. “With 
all the celebrity hounds such аз the Nation- 
al Enquirer and Inside Edition, don't you 
think we'd have heard by now if some Holly- 
wood star did a porno?” he asks. There are 
loops that feature women who resemble celeb- 
rities. The female lead in a Forties smoker is 
said to be Marilyn Monroe, but it’s actually 
look-alike Arline Hunter, whose stock pin-up 
shols were used for an early Centerfold. Joan 
Crawford supposedly made a stag in the ear- 
ly Twenties called The Casting Couch; one 
story has it an МСМ lawyer watched the 
film and concluded it wasn't her, another 
that Louie Mayer destroyed as many copies 
as he could find. A biography of J. Edgar 
Hoover alleges that the FBI director threat- 
ened to circulate a stag film starring a "well- 
known female singer” unless she toned down 
her support for the Black Panthers. That 
might be a reference to a Sixties loop that 
features a woman whose nose resembles Bar- 
bra Streisand's. (She says it’s not her, but the 
film is grainy, so people will always see what 
they want to see.) Sylvester Stallone and 
Madonna made their screen debuts in bad 
soft-core movies, а few hard-core stars such 
as Traci Lords and Kobe Tai have landed 
mainstream roles, and Pam Anderson, Rob 
Lowe and Jayne Kennedy were reluctant 
home video stars. Video Search of Miami 
(888-279-9773) offers a sampler of “celebri- 
ty porn” for $28 that includes the “woman 
with a big nose” loop and a scene featuring 
a performer who resembles Linda Blair. Pre- 
pare to be disappointed. 


What is the proper way to wear со- 
logne? My girlfriend bought me some, 
but I don't have much experience with 
it. How much is too much?— I. W., Phoe- 
nix, Arizona 

She'll let you know, but a general rule is to 
put on less than you think you need. Three 
sprays or four dabs is plenty. No one should 
smell you until you're within about an arm's 
length —what the fragrance industry calls 
your "scent circle" —and you shouldn't smell 
yourself unless you check your wrists. Apply 
some cologne there and also to your neck and 
chest but never on your face. For that there's 
aftershave. A good cologne will lust ай day, 
especially if you have oily skin, which holds it 
better. If you're headed out Jor the evening, 


ask your girlfriend's opinion before applying 
а refresher dab 


As the century draws to a close, 1 
thought your readers might appreciate 
ups on how to open a bottle of cham- 
pagne or sparkling wine. The one thing 
you never do when opening a bottle of 
bubbly is take the wire cage off before re- 
moving the cork. That's like arming a 
bomb. The proper method is: (1) Be sure 
the bottle is properly chilled, either in an 
ice bucket filled half with water and half 
with ice for 30 minutes or in the refriger- 
ator fora minimum of two hours. Always 
check the neck of the bottle to be sure the 
bottle is evenly chilled (never open it if 
the neck is warmer than the rest of the 
bottle). (2) Cutand remove the foil below 
the wire cage using the blade of the cork- 
screw. You can use the foil tab, but they 
rarely work. Oddly, the more expensive 
the wine, the lousier the tab. (3) Holding 
the bottle in one hand, open a cotton 
napkin and place it over the top of the 
bottle. Place your free hand over the 
napkin and top of the bottle. Your hand 
should not leave the top of the bottle un- 
tl the cork has been removed. (4) Reach 
beneath the napkin and loosen the cage 
while keeping a hand on top of the bot- 
tle. (5) Holding the bottle at a 45-degree 
angle, slowly twist the bottle (not the 
cork) while firmly grasping the cage and 
cork through the napkin. Be sure not to 
point the bottle at anyone or anything 
that's breakable. (6) When the cork is al- 
most out, move it to let the excess carbon 
dioxide out slowly, keeping the bottle at a 
45-degree angle. This will ensure you 
don't lose any of the precious liquid 
foaming up and out of the bottle. The 
idea is not to pop the cork but to remove 
it with as little noise as possible. (7) Final- 
ly, if you must shake the bottle and pop 
the cork with abandon, do it outside so 
you don't kill someone. A lawsuit would 
not be the best way to start the millen; 
um.—Tim Gaiser, master sommelier, 
Wine.com, Napa, California 

At least they wouldn't be able to file until 


January 3. Happy New Year 


АШ reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, sterco and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes а 
self-addressed, stamped envelope, The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, rLaywoy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or ad 
visor@playboy.com. Look for responses to 
our most frequently asked questions at 
playboy.com/faq, and check out the Advisor's 
latest collection of sex tricks, 365 Ways to 
Imprave Your Sex Life, available in book- 
stows or by phoning 800-123-9494. 


А Date With History. 


the first batch of distinctive, dark-fired snuff that soon became 
known as Copenhagen. It wasnt long before Cope built a 
reputation for uncompromising freshness, consistency, and taste. 


And as the United States grew, so did George Weymans legacy. 


Copenhagen became an American tradition. 


"5 COPENHAGEN 


SATISFIES- 


tradition. Actually, three pieces. Look for 


the last Made Date of the millennium, December 
27th, 1999. Also look for the commemorative 
January 3rd, 2000 lid celebrating the new millenniums first 


Made Date, and a special January 2000 lid on every can of 


Cope sold that month. Each is a tribute to the 
tradition of quality and pride that started in 


Pittsburgh 177 years ago. 


Fresh Cope: It satisfies: 


Another fine product from U.S. Tobacco Co. 


History In The Making. 


For years weve been 
making history as the only 
smokeless tobacco brand 3 
with freshness Made Dates | 
on the bottom of each can. V 
Now you can participate in a 


new program that turns those 


Made Dates into big savings. We call it — 


the Fresh Cope Pays program. Its our 
way of rewarding adult consumers who 
enjoy the fresh, satisfying taste of 
Copenhagen with valuable savings 
and exciting bonuses. 


Its Easy To Save Big. 
Cut out and save all of your Copenhagen 


Made Dates from December 

1999 and January 2000. 

The more you collect, the 

more you can save. Call 

f toll-free 1-888-355-COPE 

today and request your official 

Fresh Cope Pays Kit. In it you'll 

find what you need to start saving big. 

So get going and start saving those 

Made Dates now! 

Special Bonus. 

Be sure to collect as many of the 

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can. As the last Made Date of the 


millennium, it's worth a special bonus! 


Fresh Cope Pays 


1-888-355-С ӨРЕ 


(Toll-Free) 


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k of US. Tobe 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


MY MILLENNIUM FIX 


things that need to be done in the very near future 


bolish the death penalty. In the 
A past few years we've witnessed 
the release of dozens of death 

row inmates wrongfully convicted by 
a justice system that falls far short of 
what it should be. This injustice can 
result from overzealous prosecution, 
the withholding of evidence by 4 
trict attorneys and law enforcement 
officers, the manipulation of witness- 
ез, or the cutting of deals with crimi- 
nals and/or accomplices who turn 
snitch to save their hides. Every time 
the state executes an innocent man 
we are all parties to murder. 

Decriminalize marijuana. More 
than 70 million Americans have 
smoked marijuana at some point 
in their lives. Some 18 to 20 mil- 
lion people have indulged in the 
past year. In 1998, the last year 
for which statistics are available. 
police arrested 682,885 Ameri- 
cans on marijuana charges (un- 
der President Clinton, arrests 
have doubled). More than 3.7 
million have been arrested in the 
past decade. Four out of five of 
those arrests were for simple 
possession. The war on drugs 
may be doing as much harm to 
families as drugs themselves. Ac- 
cording to Justice Department 
statistics, on any given day 2 mil 
lion children in the U.S. have a 
parent or other close relative in 
jail or prison and 5 million more 
have parents who have been 
incarcerated. 

Grani amnesty to all nonviolent 
drug offenders. It costs Americans 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


current prisoners the right to vote; 32 
states prohibited felons on probation 
and/or parole from voting; 14 states 
and the District of Columbia remove 
voting rights while felons are in pris- 
on and another 14 rescind voting 
rights permanently, These laws have 
a disproportionate effect on minority 
communities because of the number 
of blacks, in particular, arrested in the 
racist war on drugs. Blacks make up. 
12 percent of the population and ac- 
count for 13 percent of drug users, 
but they make up 35 percent of those 


want for your cwn use. It's your yard. 

Make it legal to consume same. It's 
your mind, and your body. 

Eliminate mandatory minimums, except 
for family members of congressmen who 
voted for them in the first place. Disman- 
Че the machinery of injustice, if for 
no other reason than that drug laws 
are enforced selectively. 

Abolish drug and security profiles. 
These are the equivalent of warrant- 
less searches, prompted not by rea- 
sonable suspicion, but by hunches or 
common hostili: 

Dounsize airport security. How 
can Americans tolerate a pro- 
gram that begins with the ques- 
tion "May I see your papers?" 
The X-ray machines and mini- 
mum-wage operatives create a 
false sense of security at a great 
cost to basic liberties. Has anyone 
noticed that the bad guys blow 
up buildings and buses? 

Videotape all police interrogations. 
Hold police accountable for their 
actions. 

Ban junk science from the court- 
room. Judges need to be stricter 
about what they allow as testi- 
mony when it comes to scientific 
claims. You have only to look at 
the time, money and energy 
wasted on lawsuits against the 
makers of silicone breast im- 
plants to understand that some- 
one shouldn't be allowed to tes- 
1 Шу simply because they have a 
Ph.D., a pointer, a few charts and 
; a convincing manner. Despite 
3 claims to the contrary, respect 


between $24,000 and $70,000 
per year to keep a person incarcerat- 
ed. Use the money for treatment, job 
training or education. Whom would 
you rather have as a neighbor: a non- 
violent drug user and small-time 
dealer who spent five years in prison 
being tutored by professional crimi- 
nals and psychopaths, or a nonviolent 
drug user who received treatment 
and spent four years in school, or on 
the job? 

Give prisoners and ex-cons the vote. 
The war on drugs has indirecily sub- 
verted the civil rights victories of the 
Sixties. As of 1998, 46 states denied 


arrested for possession, 55 percent of 
those convicted of possession and 74 
percent of those imprisoned for pos- 
session. As a result, more than 1.4 
million black men, representing 13 
percent of all the black males in the 
U.S., have been permanently disen- 
franchised. That isn't democracy. 
Implement effective drug education 
Drug education programs ought to 
be taught by people who have tried 
drugs ideally, parents—but certain- 
ly not the police. Stop wasting valu- 
able schooltime on brainwashing. 
Make it legal to grow anything you 


able research has uncovered no 
evidence that silicone implants cause 
the specific medical problems that be- 
came the basis for the lawsuits. The 
only people who profited from all this 
were, as usual, the lawyers. The wom- 
en still suffer, no closer to finding out 
what caused their illnesses. 

Abolish SWAT teams. Can anything 
that was developed by LAPD thug 
Daryl Gates be good for America? 
There are more than 30,000 para- 
military/police squads in the country. 
Who needs a search warrant when 
your equipment includes camouflage 
gear, military helmets, bulletproof 


53 


54 


vests, ski masks, night vision goggles, 
combat boots, AR-15s, MP-54s, attack 
dogs, flash-bang stun grenades, smoke 
bombs, tear gas. pepper spray, metal 
clubs and blunt trauma ordnance, heli- 
copters and armored personnel carri 
ers? According to one survey, there was 
a 34 percent increase in the use of 
deadly force by SWAT teams between 
1995 and 1998. Take away the toys, 
and the impulse to shoot first and ask 
questions later subsides. 

Abolish no-knock warrants. Serve ali 
warrants during the day. Call ahead. 
(Or, more realistically, surround the 
house and call from a cell phone.) Give 
suspects a chance to surrender. How 
many more people will be killed by po- 
lice bursting through the door in the 
middle of the night? 

Divorce comp. For couples without 
children, calling it quits 
should have the same fi- 
nancial consequence as 
for victims of a corpo- 
rate downsizing. Spouses 
thrown out of a relation- 
ship are entitled to one 
year's worth of wages, 
plus job training. 

Repeal sodomy laws. For- 
get the excuse that such 
laws are rarely enforced. 
Some 15 states outlaw 
acts of oral or anal sex be- 
tween consenting adults. 
A few states ban vibrators 
and sex toys as obscene 
devices. As constitutional 
lawyer Lawrence Tribe 
declared in a case that 
challenged Georgia's sodomy law (since 
overturned), “The question is not what 
[the accused] was doing in the privacy 
of his own bedroom, but what the state 
of Georgia was doing there.” 

Teach privacy rights, beginning in grade 
school. That means no locker searches, 
по drug-sniffing dogs, no urine testing 
of students who play sports or partici- 
pate in other extracurricular activities, 
no programs that pay kids to snitch, no 
metal detectors. Also, teach the skills 
necessary to tell telemarketers to go 
away forever. You own and should con- 
trol information about yourself: no one 
else is entitled to profit from it. 

Eliminate abstinence-only sex ed. Teach 
the whole thing, not just how to keep 
your foot on the brake. Make Alex Com- 
fort's Joy of Sex required reading in 
high school. 

Enforce the First Amendment. Eliminate 
community standards as the basis for 
banning cable services, bookstores and 
adult theaters. End the battle of small 
minds against expression. 


SEXUAL 
EDUCATION: 
TEACH THE 

WHOLE 
THING, NOT 
JUST HOW 

TO KEEP 
YOUR FOOT 

ON THE 

BRAKE. 


Abolish the FCC. Howard Stern is not 
the evil empire. Jerry Springer is just a 
phase. Let Americans vote with their 
remote. 

Accept that sex is part of total health. Ех- 
ery insurance plan, public and private, 
should cover contraceptives, Viagra 
and sex toys. 

Abolish law schools. Abraham Lincoln 
didn’t need one. Neither did Jefferson. 
Teach law, or common law, or simply 
good manners, at every level of educa- 
uon from kindergarten on up. If it is 
beyond the grasp of a sixth grader, it 
shouldn't be law. 

Let juries ask questions. See above. And 
while we're on the subject, if the mem- 
bers of the jury earn less than mini- 
mum wage for trial duty, so should the 
lawyers. 

Recognize that Roe us. Wade is the law of 
the land. The government 
should stay out of the 
medicine cabinet and doc- 
tor's office, as well as the 
bedroom. Family plan- 
ning belongs to the fami- 
ly. not the feds. Legalize 
RU 486. Fund research 
for better birth control 
and birth control educa- 
tion to eliminate the nced 
for abortion. 

Gure the STDs that can 
be cured. Have a national 
VD day. If you eliminate 
syphilis, gonorrhea, chla- 
mydia and genital ulcers, 
you seriously cut the 
avenues of transmission 
for HIV. 

Abolish the inheritance tax. The real 
family value. Uncle Sam already has 
taken his cut as income tax or capital 
gains. This is what you pass down to 
your kids, so they can loaf a little more 
than you were able to. 

Make paternity rights and maternity rights 
equal in the eyes of the law. The court 
should not enforce stupid stereotypes; 
there should be no one-sided custody 
arrangements, except in the case of 
proven abuse. 

Legalize prostitution. Tax the oldest 
profession. Abolish vice squads and 
have the police protect sex workers, 
just as they protect highway construc- 
tion crews. Double the penalties for 
nonsexual crimes committed in what 
used to be red-light districts. 

Recognize that freedom includes the right 
to choose when you are ready 0 die. 

Post the Bill of Rights in every classroom. 
And in every police station. And in ev- 
ery courthouse. And in every legislative 
building, from town halls to statehous- 
es to Congress. 


the aclu report 
on drug testing 
is a real pisser 


1 has become a common indignity, 
a ritual sacrifice of privacy, ап@ 
part of the cost of doing business in 

the United States. Every day, some- 
where in corporate America, people 
are being asked to pee in a jar as part 
of the interview process or as a condi- 
tion of continued employment. 

For whatever reason— patriotism 
or panic—Americans believed the 
leaders who told them that drug use 
was epidemic in the workforce, that 
thousands of coke fiends, potheads 
and heroin addicts were at the con- 
trols of airplanes, trains and trucks, 
recklessly endangering innocent 
lives. Your co-worker on the assem- 
bly line was not pulling his weight 
but was instead cheating the coun- 
try of full prosperity and quite possi- 
bly putting your safety at risk. Drug 
testing eventually included ath- 
letes (whose drug-enhanced perfor- 
mance might alter the flow of mon- 
ey between you and your bookie) 
but stopped short of being a re- 
quirement for public office, PLAYBOY 
has always despised drug tests. 

The only proper response to a re- 
quest for urine has been immediate 
compliance—on the desk of the рет- 
son who ordered the test. Now, the 
ACLU has released a special report, 
Drug Testing: A Bad Investment, that 
destroys the rationale behind this 
practice. Our leaders, it charges, 
have themselves been “under the in- 
fluence"—of propaganda, misinfor- 
mation and pseudoscience. 

“We have always believed that 
drug testing of unimpaired workers 
stands the presumption of innocence 
onits head and violates the most fun- 
damental privacy rights,” says ACLU 
executive director Ira Glasser. “Now 
we know that sacrificing these rights 
serves no legitimate business pur- 
pose either.” 

The history of drug testing makes 
interesting reading (you can find the 
ACLU's complete report online at 
aclu.org). In 1986 President Reagan 
issued an executive order requiring 
federal employees to stand and de- 
liver—or, if they were women, to sit 
and deliver. The goal: “drug-free 
federal workplaces." The private sec- 
tor was quick to follow suit. A year 


CASE STUDY 


later one in five members of the 
American Management Association 
had instituted drug testing. By 1996 
four in five Fortune 500 companies 
tested employees. That's tens of mil- 
lions of workers, points out the 
ACLU, "most of whom are not even 
suspected of using drugs." 

The ACLU report attacks some 
of the most cherished soundbites 
of past drug czars. In the Eighties, 
propaganda from drug testing pro- 
ponents convinced employers that 
drug users cost businesses $33 billion 
each year in lost productivity. By 
1900 the figure had grown to $60 
billion. Today it stands at $100 bil- 


lion. That figure, says the ACLU, has 
been adjusted for inflation: the kind 
you get from hot air. As The Playboy 
Forum pointed out in an April 1987 
article titled “The Social Cost of 
Drugs,” that figure has nothing 
to do with lost productivity. A 1984 
study by the Rescarch Triangle Insti- 
tute in North Carolina found that 
the annual income of households in 
which one person smoked marijuana 
daily was less than the annual in- 
come of nonsmokers. The Dead- 
heads and Fabulous Furry Freak 
Brothers made 25 cents less per 
hour than did noncounterculture 
types. This amounts to a $33 billion 
"wage differential,” not $33 billion in 
lost productivity. There was no com- 
parable statistic for drugs other than 
marijuana. 

Drug Testing also tracked down the 


source of the frequently quoted "Fire- 
stone study,” which alleged that drug 
users have 2.5 more absences than 
nonusers annually, arc 3.6 times 
more likely to be involved in a work- 
place accident, 5 times more likely to 
file a worker's compensation claim 
and 3 times more likely to use health 
care benefits. It seems there was no 
Firestone study; these unsubstantiat- 
ed remarks were made at a business 
luncheon by a speaker who dealt 
with workers who had “medical-be- 
havioral” problems. In other words, 
they were alcoholics. 

In the Eighties, the editor of the 
Drug Abuse and Alcoholism Newsletter 


misrepresented the alleged st 
saying the figures applied 
drug users. The soundbite-savvy 
Partnership for a Drug-Free America 
turned the phantom factoids into 
public service ads aimed at the busi- 
ness community: 

In 1994 the National Academy of 
Sciences reviewed the claims made by 
the narco-industrial complex: “The 
data do not provide clear evidence of 
the deleterious effects of drugs other 
than alcohol on safety and other job 
performance indicators.” 

Subsequent research looked at the 
job performance of postal employ- 
ees. Workers who tested positive at 
the time of hire were no more likely 
than workers testing negative to be 
involved in an accident. Of the postal 
workers who had had accidents and 
were subsequently given drug tests, 


96 percent tested negative. 

Citing the NAS report, the ACLU 
exposes the main flaw of drug test- 
ing: It doesn't distinguish between 
use, such as weekend recreational 
jaunts, and abuse, which can create a 
situation where someone works un- 
der the influence. Does drug use on 
the job affect work? The NAS found 
that marijuana had no impact on 
performance in half of the studies; in 
the other half there was slight im- 
pairment on a limited number of 
tasks. Tests of cocaine and other 
stimulants found “slight perfor- 
mance-enhancing effects.” 

The ACLU reports that almost 
none of the companies that em- 
braced drug testing bothered to 
determine how the programs af- 
fected the actual behavior of their 
employces. On the other hand, a 
survey of 63 Silicon Valley compa- 
nies found that drug testing “re- 
duced rather than enhanced 
worker productivity.” Companies 
with preemployment testing were 
16 percent less productive than 
companies with no tests. For firms 
that had both preemployment 
and on-site testing, productivity 
was 29 percent lower. The ACLU 
concluded, “Drug testing, partic- 
ularly without probable cause. 
seems to imply a lack of trust and 
presumably could backfire if it 

leads to negative perceptions about 
the company." 

Drug testing is not only bad policy, 
it consumes a tremendous amount of 
resources and provides little if any 
benefit to consumers or business. It's 
simply not cost-effective. In 1990, 
for example, 38 federal government 
agencies spent approximately $12 
million testing employees. Out of 
nearly 29,000 tests examined, only 
153 were positive. That means it 
cost $77,000 in taxpayers money to 
identify a single drug user. Further, 
the ACLU suggests, that drug user 
usually isn't a bug-eyed, life-threat- 
ening бела, but just a guy who toked 
up over the weekend. Not a threat to 
anyone or anything, except—if you 
spent all that money to locate him— 
the bottom line. 

Was it worth it?—]JAMES R. PETERSEN 


55 


56 


THE COST OF RIGHTS 
James Bovard's outburst at a 
book written by me and Uni 
versity of Chicago law professor 
Cass Sunstein ("The Cost of 
Rights," The Playboy Forum, Oc- 
tober) leaves me feeling like a 
mosquito in a nudist colony: 1 
don't know where to begin. 
The theme of our book, The 
Cost of Rights: Why Liberty De- 
pends on Taxes, is the budgetary 
cost of nonwelfare rights. Prop- 
erty rights, freedom of con- 
tract, the right to vote, freedom 
from unreasonable search and 
seizure and so forth all make 
important daims on the public 
fisc. Bovard may not have no- 
ticed that the moncy to light, 
heat and repair courthouses 
comes from taxpayers. This de- 
pendency of nonwelfare rights 
on budgetary outlays implies 
something that those of Bo- 


E R 


FOR THE RECORD 


“АХ EVOLVING DEBATE 


free to worship or not, as they wish, 
but their freedom in this respect 
makes a claim upon the public fisc, 
even when it is not subsidized out of 
public budgets (through, for exam- 
ple, police and fire protection of 
churches and other religious institu 
tions).” By that reasoning, people 
have sexual freedom only because 
government-funded rescue squads 
might retrieve the wounded after 
a couple injure themselves attempt- 
ing a Flying Philadelphia Fuck. If 
a single cent of government money 
could conceivably be involved in 
some activity, the entire activity be- 
comes the equivalent of a govern- 
ment handout. And regardless of 
how much tax a person pays, if a 
person receives any benefit from апу 
government activity, that person 
becomes the moral equivalent of a 
public housing resident who never 
worked a day in his or her life. 


vard's persuasion are loath to 
admit: Individual liberty, as 
Americans understand it, can 
be protected only on the basis 
of public resources gathered 
and managed by the govern 
ment. The freedom that right- 


“When a local resident steps up before the mi- 
crophone at a public hearing and says he is a 
faithful Christian and also belicves in evolution, 
people are mightily impressed.” 

—The New York Times, describing how clergy mem- 

bers who believe in evolution and scientists who 
believe in God can effectively defuse the argument 


1 credit James Bovard for 
tackling a weighty issue in the 
October Forum, but I disagree 
with many of his assertions. Bo- 
vard seems to suffer from a syn- 
drome that is prevalent these 
days: worship of the Constitu- 


wingers purport to love pre- 
supposes the government's 
capacity to tax and spend, an 
activity right-wingers purport to hate. 

The debate between those favoring 
large government and those favoring 
small government is a reasonable one. 
What introduces an element of irra- 
tionality is the assumption that there 
are two kinds of rights—one that 
makes us independent of government 
while requiring no government spend- 
ing, and one that promotes dependen- 
cy while draining the budget. The for- 
mer is American and should be pre- 
served, we frequently hear, while the 
latter is un-American and should be 
abolished. But this flimsy distinction is 
a poor basis for public policy, as dem- 
onstrated by someone asking who is 
more dependent on taxpayer-funded 
government support: the CEO of a 
Fortune 500 company or the invalid 
who sleeps on a heating grate? 

The purpose of our buck is not to 
decide which government programs 
should be expanded or cut, but to 
puncture some pervasive illusions that 
continue to cloud the thinking of those 
who enjoy posing as embattled heroes 


to ban the teaching of evolution. 


of private liberty. The notion that any 
right is deeply un-American if it makes 
the individual dependent on govern- 
ment is one of those all-too-common 
fallacies. If Bovard feels perfectly 
"free" when he rides in an elevator that 
has never been inspected by a taxpay- 
er-salaried government official, then 
he has an odd conception of freedom. 
Stephen Holmes 
New York, New York 

Bovard responds: Because the govern- 
ment spends a minuscule percentage of tax 
revenues on the administration of court sys- 
lems, citizens are supposed to pretend that 
government is their liberator. And regardless 
of how heavy laxes become, they are still a 
badge of freedom, because not all the rev- 
enue is pissed away or used to buy new 
shackles for citizens. This is the Sunstein— 
Holmes philosophy of government in a 
nutshell. 

Holmes and Sunstein work overtime to 
attribute every freedom to government in- 
tervention, asserting: “Religious liberty is 
certainly по more costless than other legal 
rights. American citizens are more or less 


tion. In my experience, too 
many Americans are prepared 
to bow unquestioningly before 
it. In large measure, the state uses this 
same attitude to cow its citizens. The 
Constitution pales in comparison to a 
far more important document, the 
United Nations Charter, which makes 
provisions for just the sort of huma 
tarian rights Bovard seems to lament: 
health care and education, freedom 
from want, an intimation of freedom 
from fear and other important rights 
and responsibilities. I deem it a mag- 
nificent document. Salvaged out of the 
rubble of World War II, it says: Live up 


10 these ideals or peris 
Tracy McLellan 


MORE DEADLY TRAFFIC 

In October's Reader Response, Ed Orr 
brings forth the tired, and mostly inac 
curate, argument against the necessity 
of mi s. Fully auto- 
matic, selectivi ary weapons 
have been restricted from general pub- 
lic ownership since 1934. Neither of 
the guns mentioned in Orr' letter can 
be considered a powerful weapon. The 


o гогом 


R E 5 


P O 


N 8 E 


Uzi fires the standard 9mm handgun 
cartridge commonly used by police de- 
partments and easily thwarted by most 
commercially available body armor. 
The AR-15 fires a 5.56mm military 
round, which is known in hunting cir- 
des as the .223 Remington. Again, this 
is hardly an imposing piece of weapon- 
ry. Neither of these guns is considered 
powerful enough to hunt even small 
deer. There seems to be an outcry 
against such firearms largely because 
they have fewer defenders than, say, 
high-powered hunting rifles. They 
may seem like easy targets, but outlaw- 
ing them is a sure start down the slip- 
pery slope of more-extensive gun bans. 

David Sikorsky 

High Point, North Carolina 


The Second Amendment promises 
that "the right of the people to keep 
and bear arms shall not be infringed.” 
There's a period at the end of that line, 
nota comma or the word except. Tack- 
ing on conditions, as gun opponents 
would like to do, is unconstitutional. So 
are current gun laws and those being 
proposed. Personally, I do not see the 
need to own so-called assault weapons. 


But that is not the point. We must stand. 
up for the right to bear any arms we 
desire, even if we don't act on that right. 
Ме may not have the choice later. 
Jim Hruska 
Youngstown, Ohio 


THE CONFEDERATE FLAG 

As a Civil War reenactor and history 
enthusiast, I feel compelled to com- 
ment on Grady Hendrix’ "America's 
Other Flag" (The Playboy Forum, Sep- 
tember). Much of what he says about 
the current misuse of the flag by post- 
Civil War organizations is, unfortunate- 
ly, accurate. The original intent in the 
design and introduction of the flag, just 
after the first Battle of Bull Run in Ma- 
massas, was to improve unit identifica- 
tion at a distance. The similarity of the 
first Confederate flag (Stars and Bars) 
to the U.S. flag (Stars and Stripes) made 
it difficult to distinguish troops. The 
uniquely sized baule flag was originally 
presented to the Congress of the Con- 
federacy in September 1861 in three 
distinct sizes, one each for the infantry, 
artillery and cavalry. In May 1863 the 
naval jack—the Confederate flag com- 
monly seen today, and the only one of 


T have three great kids 
1 love them more than anything. 
1 don't want them to smoke pot. 


But 1 know jail is a lot more dangerous than smoking pot. 


www. changethecLimate.org 


I've been a farmer here in Missouri for 21 years. 
This land has been in my family for three generations. 
Corn gets me $136 an acre . 

but I can get $319 ап acre for hemp. 


It's my choice, right? 


In 1998, 685,000 marijuana arrests. 
Three million arrests since 1992. 


Another 16.8 million to go. 
Where will you put us all? 
wow. changetheclimate.org 


www. changetheclimate.org 


the four that wasn't square—was intro- 
duced. Although the battle flag was 
never officially adopted by the Confed- 
erate Congress, it was formally recog- 
nized in legislation enacted in that same 
month. I disagree with Hendrix’ asser- 
tion that “the flag continues to exist like 
a sick, old dog.” The Confederate flag is 
a part of our nation’s cultural heritage 
and should be remembered in its prop- 
er context and not used to represent 
present-day causes for which it was nev- 
er intended, The Confederate battle 
flag is just that—the flag used to lead 
troops to the fight and rally them after- 
ward. It is a shame that so many groups 
and individuals have twisted the history 
and meaning of this historic symbol. 
Stephen Wood 
Berne, Indiana 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to: The Playboy Forum Reader Response, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Please include a 
daytime phone number. Fax number: 312- 
951-2939. E-mail: forum@play 
(please include your city and state). 


Change the 
Climate 
(changethe 
climate.org) 
is spreading 
its message 
of reason- 
able mari- 
juana-law 
reform 
through the 
Internet. As 
part of its 
online cam- 
paign, the 
group offers 
a selection 
of banner 
ads that visi- 
tors can add 
to their own 
web pages. 


57 


ELIGION 


RNA 


supplement to the basic course catalog 


Welcome, freshmen! 

То accommodate recent changes in 
the curricula of a number of Kansas 
high school districts (mandated by lo- 
са! school boards) the following class- 
es have been added to the University 
of Kansas schedule for this semester: 

Marine Biology 363: Cetacean Diges- 
tive Anomalies, Investigating the 
unique and remarkable ability 
ofa whale's gastrointestinal 
process to distinguish 
between zooplank- 
ton and marine crea 
tures, which it chemi- 
cally dissolves, and the 
randomly swallowed 
human being, which 
it merely bleaches. 
Field trip; scuba 
equipment and cer- 
tification required 

Physics 290A: Mod- 
ified Entropy Theory. In 
which certain scientific 
assumptions regarding 
thermodynamics and the 
decay of matter are revised 
so as to take into account 
for a bush that burns but 
is not consumed. 

Physics 290B: Elementary 
Table. Study and memoriza- 
tion of a simplified Table of Ele- 
ments, which includes only those 
clements commonly and abun- 
dantly found in nature. This 
course explores the question, “If you 
can't see it, wer you really meant to 
know about ii 

Archaeology 110: Carbon Dating, 
Shmarbon Dating. Raises the intrigu- 
ing scientific hypothesis, “Could not 
an all-powerful God make rocks ap- 
pear to be billions of years older than 
they actually are?” 

Agricultural Economics 140B: Crop 
Storage and Nocturnal Divination. The 
art of employing traditional methods 
of dream interpretation to foresee 
and plan for years of extended fam- 


By ROBERT S. WIEDER 


ine and/or plenty. Emphasis on the 
significance of “devouring.” Also, 
why everything happens in sevens. 

Chemistry 301: Oil on Troubled Waters. 
The figure of speech as a basis for sci- 
entific inquiry. 

Astrophysics 191: Acoustic Influences 
on Planetary Motion. A study of sub- 


atomic particle resonance and how it 
may be manipulated by the repeated 
blowing of trumpets in order to halt 
the rotation of the Earth. How play- 
ing reveille starts it turning again. 
Zoology 109: Introduction to Kine 
(Cows, archaic). What they are. Their 
proper care and feeding. Their selec- 
tive breeding. Their particular suit- 
ability as sacrificial offerings to an An- 
gry God. (Not for the squeamish.) 
Health Science 402: Morality and Eti- 
ology. Understanding the causal re- 
lationships between fornication and 


AIDS, masturbation and leprosy, por- 
nography and insanity, secular hu- 
manism and cancer, and abortion and 
death by lightning. 

Health Science 404: Passover Epide- 
miology. Analyzing the properties of 
lamb's blood that make it an effective 
preventive and prophylactic measure 
against certain pedi- 

atric plagues. Also, 

how to remove stains 

from door frames. 
Mathematics 300A: 

Non-Satanic Numer- 

ical Systems. A pure 

math course in which 
all textbooks, hand- 
outs and board-writ- 
ten problems will 
exclude the num- 
ber 666 (the sign of 
the Beast) or use in 
its place the symbol Ø. 
In lectures and presenta- 
tions, that number will be 
referred to as “the numerals 
formerly known as Prince 
of Darkness.” 
Food Service Sci- 
ence 120: Large-Scale 
Meal Preparation and 
Management Techniques. 
The challenge of feeding 
multitudes. Creative use 
of loaf- and fish-extend- 
ers. The nutritional 
properties of milk and 
honey. Manna explained. (At the con- 
clusion of the term, each student will 
be required to plan and prepare a fi- 
nal supper for 12.) 

Law 901: Introduction to Higher Law. 
Resolving questions of priority when 
confronted with conflicts between 
state or municipal statutes on the one 
hand, and direct commands from the 
creator of the universe on the other. 
The special prosecutor as God's emis- 
sary. Why ACLU lawyers are going to 
hell. Why you still have to pay park- 
ing tickets, even when the end is nigh. 


SO WHY ARE WE FIGHTING THIS WAR? 


“Probably 70 million Americans 
have used an illegal drug—one third 
of all Americans age 12 and over. 
Americans who once tried an illegal 
drug overwhelmingly have walked 
away from drug abuse.” 

— DRUG CZAR BARRY MCCAFFREY 


SEND $50 MILLION TO THIS WEBSITE. 


“Governor George W. Bush has 
met with senior law enforcement of- 
ficials, religious leaders, criminal 
justice academics and federal prison 
nmates to discuss a bold policy 
initiative called Amnesty 2000 
As president, Bush would pardon 
convicts who have ‘grown up’ but 
are still serving long sentences for 
possession of cocaine and other 
illegal drugs. 

“Bush has long dismissed questions 
about his own past cocaine use by say- 
ing, ‘What matters is, have you grown 
up? I have.’ Today, he finally went a 
step further in a prepared statement, 
saying, "Му drug use was about aver- 
age for children and young adults of 
my social class and upbringing, and, 
yes, that included cocaine as well as 
several other drugs.” 

“The governor said it is a grave in- 
justice that a million Americans are in 
jail today for nonviolent drug offens- 
es, such as those that he himself has 
committed. ‘Hundreds of thousands 
of these prisoners were found guilty 
with no physical evidence, based only 
on the testimony of others who were 
also charged with drug offenses,’ he 
said. If elected president, Bush prom- 
ised to declare war on domestic hu- 
man rights abuses. 

“We're talking about women serv- 
ing 20 years or more because they 
were dating or married to a drug 
dealer. Recreational drug users—like 
I used to be—are serving life sen- 
tences because dealer friends made 
up stories to get a lighter sentence. If 
this were happening in China, we'd 
probably start bombing them for hu- 
man rights violations,’ said an in- 
censed Bush after listening to reports 
from leading criminal justice experts. 
"We have to let these people go!” 

“A source within the Presidential 
Exploratory Committee estimated that 


sound bites from the battle over drugs 


close to 400,000 pardons could be is- 
sued in George W. Bush’s first year as 
president.” 

—FROM ZACK EXLEY'S PARODY WEBSITE 
GWBUSH.COM, WHICH THE PRESIDENTIAL 
CANDIDATE ATTEMPTED TO SHUT DOWN. 


IF ONLY IT WERE TRUE 


“There is no war on drugs being 
waged by this administration, unless 
you count the nearly $200 million 
General McCaffrey spends annually 
for television ads and Frisbees and 
key chains. 

—REPRESENTATIVE DAN BURTON 


(R-IND.) 


IMPLE MATH 


“We're spending incredible amounts 
of resources on incarceration, law en- 
forcement and courts. As an exten- 
sion of everything I've done in office, 
I made a cost-benefit analysis, and 
this one really stinks." 

— NEW MEXICO GOVERNOR GARY JOHN- 
SON. А SECOND-TERM REPUBLICAN 


AND IF FAT PEOPLE FAIL ТО LOSE WEIGHT? 


“We have a failed social experiment 
under way in America right now. 
‘That's not to say this is only a medical 
problem and not a criminal justice 
problem. These 4 million chronically 
addicted Americans commit a dispro- 
portionate share of the mayhem in 
this country. Having said that, howev- 


er, the least effective tool imaginable 
is to greatly extend incarceration and 
eliminate the parole-and-probation 
process. 1 would rather see swift pun- 
ishment, so a 20-year-old male who 
commits drug crimes knows he is like- 
ly tobe arrested and tested for drugs. 
If he tests positive, he will have to un- 
dergo mandatory participation in a 
drug treatment program. How suc- 
cessful he is at breaking the drug с 
cle at that point should determine 
how the criminal justice system treats 
that person.” 
— DRUG CZAR MCCAFFREY 


PACKING THEM AWAY 


"Our laws are having the effect of 
genocide. Prisons are, in fact, becom- 
ing concentration camps for a group. 
of people who don't need to be there. 
If that’s the war on drugs, then it's a 
war that's had a pernicious effect on 
our community, a war waged against 
the weak and those unable to defend 
themselves." 

— CALIFORNIA SUPERIOR COURT JUDGE 
BARRY LONCKE 


WHAT THE POLICE THINK 


"Police are making more arrests 
than ever for nonviolent drug offens- 
es. Simply put, drug arrests are casier 
to make in inner-city neighborhoods 
where drug markets operate more 
openly than in middle-class areas. 
Police enforcement strategies that ta 
get inner-city neighborhoods as the pri- 
mary method for addressing the drug 
problem will produce attractive statis- 
tics from a quantitative perspective, 
but qualitatively the results will be 
skewed toward small-time users and 
dealers. The big fish who finance and 
supply the drug markets will go un 
scathed, but the prisons will be filled 
with the poor and underprivileged 
people who live in these neighbor 
hoods." 

HUBERT WILLIAMS, PRESIDENT, PO- 
LIGE FOUNDATION 


ENOUGH! 


“There is no light at the end of the 
tunnel. How many of our citizens do 
we want to turn into criminals bef 
we yell, ‘Enough’?” 

—- ECONOMIST MILTON FRIEDMAN. 


59 


60 


МЕ W 


[FORUM 
SFR 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


CLOD OF THE MONTH 


MOUNT CLEMENS, MICHIGAN—A Judge 
sentenced a beeper store manager to three 
‘years’ probation for taking a female cus- 
tomer's name tag loo literally. The woman, 


"who was an acquaintance, wore an ID lag 
that read FEEL ME, ГМ 100% RUBBER. AC- 
cording to court records, the 21-year-old 
manager spotted it, then reached over the 
counter and touched the woman's breasts 
"to be sure they were not rubber." He also. 
allegedly grabbed her head as she left and 
said, “You can be Monica aud ГИ be Bill.” 
After the sentencing, the prosecutor in the 
case told the local paper, “He's nol a pred- 
ator. He's just some macho guy who 
thought this girl wanted him 00 do some- 
thing like this to her. But don't you try a lit- 
tle wining and dining and romance first?” 
The store allowed the manager to keep his 
job, but the judge ordered that his name be 
placed on the state's sex offender registry 
for the next 25 years. 


PAYING THE PIPER 


NEW VORK—A parking garage magnate 
on trial for tax fraud gave 11 jurors 
$2500 each after they deadlocked on the 
charges. Proseculors said they would try 
Abe Hirschfeld again on allegations that 
he failed to pay $3.3 million in taxes (he 
blames his accountants). Following the 
mistrial, Hirschfeld invited the jurors to 
lunch, then handed out checks. “I would 
have done the same thing if they had found 
me guilty,” he said, claiming the checks 


were compensation for the jurors’ two 
months of public service. New York out- 
laws paying jurors before or during a tri- 
al, but not after it concludes. In a separate 
case, Hirschfeld was accused of hiring a 
hit man to kill a former business partner. A 
judge barred him from paymg the jurors in 
that trial. 


DRUG WAR CASUALTY 


COMPTON, CALIFORNIA—A masked 
narcotics officer shot an unarmed grand- 
Jather twice in the back during a late-night 
raid, killing him. Police clam Mario Paz 
had reached for something before being 
shot, but his wife, who watched her hus- 
band die, disputes that. No drugs were 
found, though police seized four guns and 
more than $10,000 in cash. Family mem- 
bers say Paz had withdrawn his savings 
because of fears about the Y2K bug and 
that he kept the guns for protection in his 
high-crime neighborhood. Police led away 
seven people, interrogating some until 
dawn. A police spokesman said they were 
not arrested but detained as witnesses (a 
few were handcuffed for “safekeeping”) 
The suspect named in the search warrant 
had lived next door to the family in the ear- 
ly Eighties and occasionally used their 
mailing address. 


PARK THIS, YOUR HONOR 


ELMWOOD PARK, NEW JERSEY—An ad- 
ministrative judge ruled that state courts 
should not punish people who write “offen- 
sive comments" on the checks they use to 
pay parking tickets. The ACLU had re- 
quested the ruling following a case in 
which a woman who scribbled “highway 
robbery fund” in the memo section of her 
check had been called before a judge and 
threatened with contempt of court. 


KILLER FOR HIRE 


MADISON, WISCONSIN—A man convict- 
ed of raping and Killing a nine-year-old 
girl in 1973 received a financial settle- 
ment from a company that refused to hire 
him. Gerald Turner, who was released from 
prison in 1992, complamed to state labor 
officials after Waste Management turned 
him down for a job sorting recyclables. 
Wisconsin law forbids employers fram con- 
sidering an ex-con's record unless his 
crimes are “substantially related” to the 
work. The company says it didn't give Тит- 


ner a job because school groups oflen tour 
the plant. 


HEARTBEAT RULE 


CHICAGOA federal court upheld a 
Wisconsin law that requires abortion clin- 
ics lo inform patients they can view a fetal 
image or listen lo the heartbeat before the 
procedure. A spokesperson for Wisconsin 
Right to Life said that “a woman needs to 
know what it is that the abortionist is go- 
ing to remove.” The legislative director of 
Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin coun- 
tered that seldom does anything a woman 
learns at the clinic change her mind. 


SANTA'S NEW SHAPE 


MORGANFIELD, KENTUCKY—AÁ woman 
who фий her job at Wal-Mart because of 
the stress of being removed as the store 
Santa took her case to the state Commission 
оп Human Rights. She volunteered to play 
Santa but got more than she bargained for 
on the first day when a child pinched her 
breast and told his mother, “Santa Claus is 
a woman." The mother complained to a 
manager, who replaced the woman with a 
male employee. The female employee says 
co-workers leased and “totally humiliated” 
her, damaging her self-esteem. She wants 


$67,000 for lost wages, pain and suffer- 
ing. Wal-Mart has fought the charges. 
“Santa Claus 15 а man,” its lawyer said. 
"He has а beard. He's married to Mrs. 
Claus. It's our position thal being a male is 
part and parcel of being Santa." 


сый 
a 
285 
ЕТЕ 


d 


91999 Custom Blends; 
~ Ж А 
LY / 


PLAYBOY 


62 


There's nothing like a good drink 
after a long, hard Millennium. 


The Crown Royal millennium edition. Available in specially marked boxes while supplies last. 
Look for the complimentary personalized label offer inside. 


CROWN ROYALe IMPORTED IN THE BÜTTLEe B. ENDED CANADIAN WHISKY e 40% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME (80 PROOF) «»t999 JOSEPH E. SEAGRAM & SONS. NEW YORK, NY 
Enjoy our quality responsibly. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: HUGH M. HEFNER 


a candid conversation with the man—about his return, the wonders of viagra, the 
virtues of a large bed and, oh yes, the ins and outs of having three girlfriends 


He is everywhere all over again. He is 
back. There is no escaping the evidence; 
there is no escaping him. Breathless reports 
have scorched network airwaves and glutted 
the pages of every majar periodical around 
the world. He is back, most decidedly, with 
a vengeance—he Bach in the Swing," 
according to Time; "Playboy Is Back as 
Bachelor #1, Architect of Sixties Sexual 
Revolution, Flings Open Mansion Doors to 
Nineties Hedonists,” according lo The Tò- 
ronto Sun; Hollywood's Young Elite, 
the Playboy Mansion Is Once Again a Hip 
Party Spot," according to The New York 
Times (which duly noted, “Not only is Hugh 
Hefner back in action, but so is his stately 
pleasure dome"). Mansion party guest lists 
alone have been the stuff of boldfaced col- 
итиз abounding, flush with names upon 
names—Leonardo DiCaprio, Gwyneth Pal- 
trow, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, George Cloo- 
ney, Jack Nicholson, Steve Marlin, Cameron 
Diaz, Courtney Love, Drew Carey, Pamela 
Anderson Lee, Liam Neeson, Ben Stiller, 
Kevin Costner, Bill Maher, Jennifer Lopez 
and on and оп, ad infinitum. “So many 
young people, male and female, were шай- 
ing for me,” their incomparable host would 
explain. “И was like spotting Elvis at the su- 
permarket.” Indeed, he has been spotted; he 
has been out on the town, back on the trail, 


“The first time Leonardo DiCaprio came to 
a Playboy Mansion party, he said, ‘My fan- 
tasy is to be in the Grotto al three o'clock in 
the morning.’ George Clooney said, ‘Now 
that Ги here, Im never going to leave 


back on the loose—in Los Angeles, in Paris, 
in Cannes, in London. From Esquire: “Look 
at him now! Hermetically unsealed, emerged 
from the gates, charting the new real world, 
night afier night—he is wearing suits, for 
God's sake! Oh, yes, the Party is back on! The 
Party is everywhere! It is a happening most 
groovy." 

While 1999 was the Chinese Year of the 
Rabbit, it was also the year of Hugh Mar- 
slon Hefner and his triumphant return to 
the limelight. And the funny thing is, he’s 
been right here with us all along. Which 
would appear to be the larger point of all at- 
tendant celebrations. Now, as the millenni- 
um dawns, we concede that there could not 
be a more fortuitous moment to turn over the 
Playboy Interview—a journalistic landmark 
forum created by himself—to the fellow who 
helped change the world while wearing silk 
pajamas. The one and only time he previous- 
ly submitted to this exercise was 26 years 
ago, on the occasion of PLAYBOY's 20th an- 
niversary—and so it would seem that there 
are a few topics an which we would de well to 
catch up. To interrogate our Editor-in-Chief 
on century-closing maiters of life and leg- 
end and philosophy and party making, au- 
thor Bill Zehme traveled into the hallowed 
Shangri-la that is Playboy Mansion West 
and herewith delivers this special report 


Brande says, Ago is just а number,’ and 
she’s right. But it's more meaningful in some 
ways for me. Dating younger girls helps keep 
me young. 1 gel to see life afresh through 
youth fil eyes.” 


“He does prevail. He would most likely 
that it’s all in the genes. But it is more than 
thal. He entered the 20th century in its 26th 
year and, 27 years later, he created this mag- 
‘azine. As a result, the century was forever al- 
tered. Because it was awakened. He awoke 
us all. That is bare fact. He would at this 
very moment take his notorious (and e 
tive) blue pencil to strike the above pro- 
nouncement, if he could only quibble with 
il. He cannot, uot really. He became, and 
remains—as Esquire evinced not so long 
ago—the most famous magazine editor in 
the history of the world.’ (People in Tokyo 
and Moscow and Barcelona smile when they 
hear his name; eyes also twinkle according- 
Ty.) There are no close runners-up in the cat- 
egory; but he is more than that, even. He is a 
cultural symbol who also happens to be a 
man who happened to have done what most 
other men might have yearned to do—if only 
they had thought of it. With the invention of 
PLAYBOY, which debuted іш December 1953, 
there also debuted the invention that was 
Hugh М. Hefuer himself. Or the reinvention 
of himself. He was a work-in-progress then, 
as was the magazine. Bul bath works were to 
be the sum total of boyhood longings co- 
alesced, of wonders spun in an eager young 
mind that wished for more than that which 


-ac- 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY ELAYNE LODGE 
“И really doesn't get any better than this. I 
know I'm living out a lot of other guys’ fan- 
tasies, but what you need to understand iy 
that I'm living out my own as well, That's 
what it's really all about.” 


63 


he saw droning before him. “The magazine, 
without any question, is a projection of my 
personality, of my own adolescent dreams 
and aspirations,” he said early on and ever- 
more. ‘I think that it’s when you're young 
that the world is the greatest adventure. And 
if you can keep the same youthful attitude, 
then you're apt to get the very most ont 
of life.’ Here, then, would be a life—and 
a life-legend—thal dedicated itself to the 
Very Most. It would be a life lived to exem- 
plify fantasy made tangible, to demonstrate. 
dreams come true; PLAYBOY would be the re- 
flecting glass of that life. ‘Ifa guy didn't 
le dreams, life would hardly 
be worth living, he depicted himself decla. 
ing in his private cartoon-paneled autobiog- 
raphy, illustrating the moment of PLAYBOY S 
birth. Then he had himself add, ‘Especially 
because—sometimes—even the most tmpossi- 
Ме ones come true" (And, at that moment, he 
had no real idea of what was truly to come.) 
"And so Hefner arrived when the maga- 
zine arrived and both were iconoclasts that 
came forth to shake sense into a world that 
shied from sex and from pleasure and from 
lack of inhibition. It was a black aud white 
and terribly gray world that he took on. Iu 
short order, he uncloaked the shadowy mys- 
teries of human sexuality and threw light ou 
them and celebrated them and said there was 
nothing illicit about them. (It was, alas, а 
revolutionary notion.) He said that sex was 
not merely the backstreet province of scarlet 
women and leering lechers. He showed us 
that nice women, that girls next door, thal so 
phisticated ladies uncloaked themselves as 
well—and they did so most enthusiastical- 
ly. He elevated our stirrings, elevated them 
right up into the toniest high-rise towers 
where civilized fellows dwelled and made ur- 
ban romance. ‘We like our apartment,” he 
wrote in the first issue of Ihe magazine, pro- 
jecting universal purpose upon his reader- 
ship. ‘We enjoy mixing up cocktails and an 
hors d'oeuvre or two, pulting a little mood 
music on the phonograph and inviting in a 
female acquaintance for a quiet discussion 
on Picasso, Nietzsche, jazz, sex.’ (He was а 
retro swell long before retro was new.) He 
said that men and women should entertain 
ideas while entertaining themselves, with 
whatever private ideas that struck their per- 
sonal fancy. 

“I probably am today and will always re- 
main a little bit of the youngster, he said ear- 
dy on and evermore. ‘This is something that 
is too soon dead in most all of us, and I'm do- 
ing my best to keep it alive in me.’ He became 
Hef, never Hugh, never ever Hugh. (Except 
to his mother.) He was a straight-arrow 
Chicago boy. born of kindly and repressed 
parentage, Glenn and Grace, good Metho- 
dists, simple folle and proud of it thank you, 
who asked for litile, who made a boy who 
asked for something a little more. His would 
be a true-blue American story—a great one 
as well —because he quested, because he 
risked, because his gut told him secrets and 
he listened to his gut, as all humans should, 
but do all too rarely. There came an empire 

64 because of it, a big burgeoning empire from 


PLAYBOY 


which there sprung, in no particular order, 
nightclubs and hotels and casinos and re- 
sorts and women dressed as Bunnies and 
women dressed not at all and various publi- 
cations and a book imprint and merchandise 
bearing Rabbit Heads and television pro- 
grams and movie productions and cable 
channels and video marketing and stock ex- 
change bonanzas and а humming website 
and a private black jet called the Big Bunny 
and Mansions (ой, my, yes, there would be 
Mansions!) and, most of all, good life, al- 
ways good life, no matter what—and all that 
he had to throw toward his dream was 600 
precious dollars and a few thousand more 
raised by way of friends, by way of goodwill, 
by way of sheer force of will, because his eyes 
burned with this dream. People had to be- 
lieve, had no other choice if they paid atten- 
tion, and those that did became very rich. 
(He was always one to share his bounty.) 
“He wore pajamas throughout most all of 
the empire-building, initially because he did 
not like to leave his vast Master Bedroom in- 
side of his vast Chicago Playboy Mansion, 
where the detritus of magazine business scal- 
tered and spun atop his famous Round Ro- 
tating Bed; when he lefi his room, he also left 


Because of Playboy, my life is 
filled with young, beautiful 
women. I'd be crazy not to 
take advantage of that. 
Somebody has to do it, and 
I'm glad I’m the guy. 


on his pajamas. He and his swank sleepwear 
have been largely and legendarily insepara- 
ble ever since. For a long while, he smoked a 
Pipe; he drank Pepsi-Cola day and night 
(spiked with Jack Daniels in happier hours); 
there were women—many many women, п 
thousand-plus women, with whom beautiful 
music was made most consensually—and 
there was work and there were parties un- 
ending and there was balance thal only he 
could achieve. (AU that he could not achieve, 
given the nature of his mission, was the sus- 
tenance of his early marriage to Mildred 
Williams, which produced a son, David, who 
would grow to pursue his own individual 
dreams, and a daughter, Christie, who would 
become chairman of her father’s multilayered 
company.) Hef, meanwhile, became our fore- 
most living proponent of the Great Indoors, 
a housebound Bacchus— King of the Status 
Dropouts’ (per Tom Wolfe)—whose stately 
world enclosed and enhanced his dreams, 
which were now installed behind secret pas- 
sageways and accessed by gadgets and g 
mos. He lived the life of 
packing any weaponry besides the neurons 
that fired his unquiet mind. Like Bond, he 
fought bad guys and dour foes, and there 
were plenty of Ihem—sume who held elected 


offices, others who preached from transpar- 
ent pulpits and still others who refused to 
grasp the logic that his liberation of our so- 
ciosexual collective had truly liberated all 
people, female as well as male. He fought his 
battles always on the grounds of individu- 
al freedom, yours and mine, and although 
he took his share of shrapnel, he always re- 
mained standing. He does prevail, because 
he must. 

“His iconography moved west to Califor- 
nia, to Holmby Hills, to his beloved Playboy 
Mansion West, neaver to the motion picture 
factories that had stoked his earliest roman- 
tic dreams, and business as usual continued 
apace, if somewhat more broadly. His lady- 
loves now seemed more prominent whence 
bathed in local sunbeams (Barbi Benton, of 
course, being most prominent of all). His 
parties enlarged so as to become shimmering 
monoliths of frolic immemorial, where all 
boys yearned from afar to come play. He 
faced varied tragedies and better triumphs, 
setbacks and renewals—even a small stress- 
induced stroke from which he recovered al- 
most instantly and quite miraculously—all 
in the routine that is life for an elegant rene- 
gade dream merchant. He found his Play- 
mate for a Lifetime in Kimberley Conrad, 
whom he took as his second wife ou July 1, 
1989, thereby shocking the universe, and 
they made two clever sons—Marston, who 
is nine, and Cooper, who is eight—both of 
whom would joyfully commandeer their fa- 
рез personal playground and make it 
theirs, with colorful toys scattered about the 
premises. For their seventh wedding anni- 
versary, Hef bought Kimberley the house 
next door, a twin-adjacent property, just dis- 
tant enough to serve as her refuge from the 
whirl of Mansion business of which she had 
grown weary; within a year and а half, she 
chose lo take permanent refuge there, with 
the boys, who would happily come and go 
between the stone walls. And with the sep- 
aration of the Hefners came the tentative 
reemergence of Hugh Hefner, missing in ac- 
tion for nearly ten years, if only publicly. 

Whereas previously the world had come to 
him, he suddenly went forth out into the 
world and out into the night and there he 
discovered what he meant to Generation X 
and Generation Next. 

“By happenstance, 1 rode along with him 
оп several of his first forays into bachelor- 
hood revisited. As his 72nd birthday then ap- 
proached—uhich seemed quite impossible 
given thal the youthfulness he long espoused 
had all but refused to put mileage on his per- 
son—I watched as young people beat their 
way toward him to simply thank him for 
what he had done, jor what he had taught 
them and their parents before them. He 
found Viagra shortly thereafter and the Par- 
ties returned and the Parties have not 
stopped, because he does not stop, because he 
must swing forevermore, because he gave the 
world ils license to swing toward dreams, 
and dreams are eternal, if they are anything 
like his. In recent months, we have convened. 
on several occasions in the Mansion Library 
to reexplore his private dreamscape—which 


now includes the unprecedented ladylove tri- 
umvirate of the twins Mandy and Sandy 
Bentley and Brande Roderick—and to assess 
his view of a society that has come around, at 
last, to his way of thinking. He grins and 
beams а lot from on top of the world. Also, he 
is never tired. Which indicates that life isn't 
always fair, unless you are him.” 


PLAYBOY: Let’s begin with something 
we'd all like to know and only you can 
tell us: What's it really like to be Hugh 
Hefner? 

HEFNER: How much time have you got? It 
really doesn't get any better than this. I 
know I'm living out a lot of other guys’ 
fantasies, but what you need to under- 
stand is that I'm living out my own as 
well. That's what it's really all about. 
PLAYBOY: So your life is as good as it 
seems from the outside? 

HEFNER: Better. Because I dreamed im- 
possible dreams and made them all 
come true. Most of them, anyway. 
PLAYBOY: What have you missed? 

HEFNER: Not much. 

PLAYBOY: Let's get specific. You are, at 
last count, in love with three women 
whose names rhyme and who all get 
along with one another, and two of them 
are twins and they all come into your 
bedroom at once—and you're 73 years 
old. You must realize that men the world 
over are desperate for the details. 
HEFNER: ] understand. Because once 


again, 1 find myself in the middle of 
a universal male fantasy. Life is good, 
times three. And sometimes four. The 
twins have a friend, you know, who likes 
to visit. 

PLAYBOY: How docs that work? What ac- 
шайу goes on in that bedroom? 

HEFNER: [Laughs] A lot of hugging. 
PLAYBOY: Come on. You don't have to be 
euphemistic in your own magazine. Go 
ahead and break our hearts. What does 
he do in that room? 

HEFNER: He makes love to his girlfriends, 
plural. And he thanks God for Viagra 
PLAYBOY: Time actually referred to them— 
Mandy, Sandy and Brande—as your girl- 
friend, singular. 

HEFNER: That's really what they are. 
[Pauses] It's difficult to explain, but it's 
wonderful. And what makes it special is 
the way the girls feel about one another. 
There's no jealousy. They are, in fact, 
best friends. They are supportive and 
protective of one another and of me. I 
really could not have imagined any of 
this before it happened—not in my wild- 
est dreams. 

PLAYBOY: Considering your dreams, 


HEFNER: That's true. Certainly in the Sev- 
enties, I might have slept with two or 
three or four girls at the same time, but 
this is very different. It's a serious, on- 
going relationship. And we all seem to 
get on better than a typical one-on-one 


affair. There aren't many bad days. If 
somebody’s kind of down, the others ral- 
ly around to cheer them up. I've never 
experienced anything like this before, 
and it’s one of the best relationships I've 
ever had, unorthodox though it may be. 
PLAYBOY: Before your stroke in 1985, you 
said you realized that pursuing multi- 
partner sex was “kind of pointless and 
pathetic.” Obviously, you've changed 
your point of view 

HEFNER: [Laughs] Well, one needs to keep 
an open mind in such matters, But what 
1 was talking about then was going from 
girl to girl. That was part of my earlier 
life and, for a brief ume, afier my mar- 
riage ended, before I met Brande and 
the twins. But I'm commited to these 
girls and I don't fuck around on them. 
PLAYBOY: How did you meet the girls? 
HEFNER: І met the twins at the Garden of 
Eden, one of our favorite clubs in Holly- 
wood. It is one of the first that I visited 
when my marriage was coming apart 
and I started going out again. Sandy and 
Mandy are college kids from Joliet, Ili- 
nois. Sandy is in premed. I met Brande a 
month before at a club called the Opium 
Den. She's an aspiring actress. We hit it 
off right away. 

PLAYBOY: When you're making love, is 
there any jealousy over how much, um, 
attention you give to one lady over the 
others? 

HEFNER: Just the opposite. On occasion 


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PLAYBOY 


68 


one of the girls will say, "Don't forget so- 
and-so!" My bed is a democracy. One for 
all and all for one. 

PLAYBOY: How often do you get names 
and faces mixed up? 

HEFNER: Depends on what we're doing 
[smiles]. 1 can usually tell the twins apart, 
but when I do get confused they find it 
terribly amusing. 

PLAYBOY: OK. For those of us who are still 
confused or amazed by alll this, describe 
a typical evening among such good 
friends. 

HEFNER: We all love to dance, so we enjoy 
the club scene. But these days we actual- 
ly spend more evenings at home than 
out on the town. We jump into bed—for- 
tunately my bed is large enough so we 
can do that—and run a film, watch TV, 
have a picnic, make love. The nights are 
filled with love and laughter. 

PLAYBOY: Any arguments over who con- 
trols the TV remote? 

HEFNER: No. Our favorite TV series is Sex 
and the City—what else? For movies, San- 
dy and Mandy love classic Disney films 
and Brande digs the scary stuff. 
PLAYBOY: You recently celebrated your 
first anniversary together. Did you do 
anything special? 

HEFNER: I took them to Disneyland. The 
twins had never been there and they 
loved it. We stayed for 12 hours! We also 
went back to the Garden of Eden, where 
we met. 

PLAYBOY: Who notices the age difference 
more, you or them? 

HEFNER: Brande says, “Age is just a num- 
ber," and she's right. But it's more mean 
ingful in some ways for me. The girls 
keep me young. I get to sce life afresh 
through youthful eyes. 

PLAYBOY: Can we bring up Viagra now? 
HEFNER: Га be surprised if you didn't. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever imagine that you 
would find yourself on the same side of 
an issue as Bob Dole? 

HEFNER: [Laughs] What's truly amazi 
that Bob Dole and his wife are will 
talk publicly about their sex life at all. I 
think it’s great. We've come a long way, 
baby! The good guys are winning at last 
PLAYBOY: So what does Viagra do for 
you? 

HEFNER: It's made to order for a guy with 
three girlfriends. Pfizer promotes it as 
an impotence drug, but it’s a good deal 
more than that. It takes the uncertainty 
out of performance. It gives you more 
wood and you can go as long as you like 
with as many partners as you like. It re- 
defines the boundary between fantasy 
and reality. I think Viagra is the best le- 
gal recreational drug in America. 
PLAYBOY: Have you shared your stash 
with Sandy, Mandy and Brande? 
HEFNER: ОЁ course. They ed. We've 
hada couple of Viagra parties. In theory, 
it should work as well for women as it 
does for men, but the results thus far are 
inconclusive. [Laughs] | think we need to 
do a liule more research. 


PLAYBOY: Wasn't pot once your drug of 
choice in the bedroom? 

HEFNER: Well, I've never been a fan of co- 
caine or harder drugs. Ecstasy. the so- 
called sex drug, is actually an ampheta- 
mine. It's not something 1 care to mess 
with. In the early days of the magazine I 
used a lot of Dexedrine in the Sixties, 
which I really thought helped me focus 
on writing The Playboy Philosophy, editing 
the magazine and building the empire. 1 
could work around the clock for two, 
three days at a time. But, frankly, by that 
third day, things got a little incoherent 
and I knew it was time to crash. But 
when I couldn't work anymore, it was 
still good for sex because 1 could go on 
and on. 

PLAYBOY: And... on. So, which body part 
hurts the most in the morning? 

HEFNER: Next question 

PLAYBOY: Seriously. For the sake of the 
sexually adventurous everywhere. 
HEFNER: Well, I have some lower back 
problems caused by just what you're 
hoping they're caused by. They began in 
the late Seventies when 1 partied too 
long and too hard with four Playmates. 
In the middle of the fun my back went 
out—but the party went on, as it must. 
But when I tried to get up the follow- 
ing morning I couldn't walk [laughs]. ОҒ 
course, lower back problems are a com- 
mon ailment that comes with age. 1 got 
mine in battle, so to speak. And I wear 
those medals proudly. 

PLAYBOY: You were off the scene for ten 
years while you were married. Were 
you prepared for the response to your 
return? 

HEFNER: It was totally unexpected. The 
Playboy Entertainment Division held a 
pajama party at the Garden of Eden 
right after Kimberley and I separated. 
The place was full of Playmates and 1 got 
a lot of attention I wasn't anticipating. 
Pictures of scantily clad girls sitting on 
my lap ran on TV and in newspapers 
around the world. It was the first sug- 
gestion that paradise could be revisited 
It was a preview of coming attractions. 
PLAYBOY: It’s as if you came back just 
when you were needed most. 

HEFNER: Timing is everything. If I'd re- 
turned a few years carlier, I think I 
would have encountered a very different 
response. What I found was a postfemi- 
st, retro world in which young people 
are ready to party again. I think it's а re- 
action to the conservatism of the Eighties 
and early Nineties. Complete strangers 
still come up to me when I'm out on the 
town and say, "You're the man! You are 
the тап 
PLAYBOY: The stars have also been pay- 
ing tribute, flocking to the Playboy Man- 
sion parties and approaching you when 
you're making the club scene. What ex- 
actly do they say to you? 

HEFNER: I think most celebrities feel as if 
they know one another even if they 
haven't met. They feel as if they know 


you and you feel as if you already know 
them. I get the same kind of comment 
today that I got a long time ago from 
Gene Kelly. The first time he came to the 
Marsion he said, "At last." On one par- 
ticular evening, at a pre-Oscar party not 
long ago, 1 was introduced to Bob Dylan, 
and his first comment was, "My hero." 
When I met Madonna at the same party, 
her opering line vas, "When are you go- 
ing to invite me to one of your parties?" 
I said, "You're invited." 

PLAYBOY: Why do you think the Playboy 
Mansion parties are the hottest ticket in 
Hollywood? 

HEFNER: | throw one hell of a party! Be- 
lieve me, I say that without prejudice; 
they're the best in town. But it’s more 
than that. The Playboy Mansion has a 
mystique because of the legendary par- 
ties of the past. An entire generation of 
young people grew up hearing about the 
parties they missed 

I can relate to that because I grew up 
during the Depression and I fantasized 
about the Great Gatsby parties of the 
Roaring Twenties that Ї missed. 

The first time Leonardo DiCaprio 
came to a Playboy Mansion party, he 
said, “My fantasy is to be in the Grotto at 
three o'clock in the morning." George 
Clooney said, “Now that I'm here, I'm 
never going to leave.” I think these fan- 
tasies are universal. Celebrities have 
them just like the rest of us. 
PLAYBOY: Part of the mystique of the 
Playboy Mansion is its permissi 
We've seen people get naked in the pool 
and Grotto who wouldn't think of doing 
that anywhere else. 

HEFNER: I do think the Playboy Mansion 
gives you permission to fulfill a lot of 
fantasies that wouldn't be acceptable 
elsewhere, But there are rules. No one 
misbehayes at the Mansion if they hope 
to get invited back. Thats why it's so 
safe here. It really is a Shangri-la. 
PLAYBOY: How do you judge the success 
of your parties? 

HEFNER: If I'm having a great time, it's a 
great party. I also get a lot of feedback, 
like, “I've never seen so many beautiful 
women in one place at one time.” That's 
a good party. At our last Midsummer 
Night’s Dream party, there was more 
nudity than at any Mansion party since 
the Seventies. One girl wore nothing but 
body paint, but it was so beautifully exe- 
cuted she looked like she was wearing 
lingerie. My girls went all out. They had 
marvelous costumes created. 1 know be- 
cause I got the bill. They chose very ex- 
pensive fabrics. They had fairy-dust glit- 
ter all over their bodies. It was beautiful, 
but we spent the next several days get- 
ting glitter off the floors and furniture, 
not to mention finding glitter on unex- 
pected parts of our anatomies. 

PLAYBOY: How much sex goes on at the 
parties these days? 

HEFNER: Its a different climate today. 
The old days, pre-AIDS, was a time of 


innocence and sexual adventure. Though 
AIDS turns out to be less of a threat to 
heterosexuals than some people would 
have you believe, it has changed behav- 
ior—as well it should. Now there is prob- 
ably less exchange of bodily fluids. But 
there is still a lot of action in the Grotto. 
And the bedrooms in the Game House 
were busy at the last 
party. When the 
doors opened, it 
wasn't a couple that 
came out—it was 
several couples 
PLAYBOY: Please tell 
us about the Van 
Room in the Game 
House. 
HEFNER: The Van 
Room got its name 
because it looks a lit- 
tle bit like the interi- 
or of a van from the 
hippie era of the 
ixties or early Sev- 
enties—with mir- 
rors on the ceiling, 
lights on dimmers 
and a soft, foam 
rubber-padded car- 
pet. It's a nice 
place to relax with 
friends, but it’s al- 
so well suited for 
bouncy-bouncy. 
PLAYBOY: We pre- 
sume that you have 
tested these areas 
of the property 
personally? 
HEFNER: That's one 
of my jobs. We 
could bring in Con- 
sumer Reports, but 
it's unnecessary. l'm 
happy to take on 
that responsibility. 
PLAYBOY: With your 
recent reemer- 
gence, Playboy— 
both the magazine 
and the brand—is 
hot again. That 
must give you a lot 
of satisfaction. 
HEFNER: Oh, yes. In 
a very real way, we 
live in a Playboy 
world today. You 
see it reflected on 
television and the 
Internet, іп news- 
papers and maga- 
zines—from shows 
like Sex and the City, in which Sarah Jessi- 
ca Parker wears a Playboy Bunny neck- 
lace, to Jay Leno's nightly monolog on 
The Tonight Show. 

The hot new men's magazines are 
variations on PLAYBOY. Maxim, Details 
and FHM are all magazines for the 
single guy. 


PLAYBOY: In such a crowded field, what 
makes PLAYBOY stand out? 

HEFNER: In the Fifties and early Sixties, 
PLAYBOY was a voice in the wilderness. All 
the other men’s magazines were outdoor 
adventure books. They were not upscale 
and they didn't sell much advertising. 
Women's magazines and family interest 


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magazines dominated the market. Now 
there are many, many voices. It's a more 
competitive world. We stand out because 
PLAYBOY has always offered something 
the other magazines don't. We're a class 
act with a history, a heritage, a continu- 
ity of accomplishment. Enüre genera- 
tions have grown up with pLavsor. They 


identify with the magazine in terms of 
who they are and who they want to be 
PLAYBOY has always had that kind of con- 
nection with its readers, which is why, for 
the better part of half a century, PLAYBOY 
has been the largest-selling, most influ- 
ential men's magazine in the world. 
PLAYBOY: Does that amaze you? 

HEFNER: Of course, 
because I started 
the magazine on 
a personal invest- 
ment of $600 and a 
dream. But it be- 
came more than a 
magazine. It be- 
came a symbol and 
a voice of the sexual 
revolution. 

That's why the 
brand is famous 
around the world, 
And why the 
Playboy empire in- 
cludes internation- 
al TV, video, the In- 
ternet and mer- 
chandising. It be- 
gan with simple 
Playboy products 
like the cuff links 
and grew into Bun- 
ny Clubs, books, rec- 
ords, TV shows, ho- 
tels and casinos. 

Now a whole new 
generation identi- 
fies with PLAYBOY. 
The magazine's col- 
lege readership has 
increased 69 per- 
cent since 1995. We 
have three of the 
20 top-selling vid- 
соз in Billboard this 
week—along with 
There's Something 
About Mary and Aus- 
tin Powers: Interna- 
tional Man of Mys- 
tery. There are over 
400 Playboy stores 
and boutiques sell- 
ing Playboy mer- 
chandise on the 
mainland of China, 
where the magazine 
isn't even distribut- 
ed yet. At Playboy 
Expo this summer, 
a mint copy of the 
first issue sold for 
$14,600 —iwice the 
money I had to 
launch the magazine. That's sweet. 
PLAYBOY: Your daughter, Christie, is the 
company's Chief Executive Officer. Do 
you enjoy keeping control of Playboy all 
in the family? 

HEFNER: It's one of the things that makes 
our current success even sweeter. She's 
a very savvy businesswoman and that 


69 


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allows me to concentrate my energies on 
the creative aspects of our business. 
She's also the perfect spokesperson for 
the company. 

PLAYBOY: Presumably your sons Marston 
and Cooper will one day ask how their 
dad started pLaysoy. Let's return to 
1953 in Chicago and a guy with a big 
idea. Tell us who that guy was then. 
HEFNER: Well, I'd never been an execu- 
tive, and I'd never been an editor either. 
I worked in the promotion and circula- 
tion departments of other magazines, 
for a salary smaller than what the secre- 
taries were earning. But when 1 started 
knocking out the copy for that first is- 
sue-—writing letters to agents who repre- 
sented writers, to the writers and artists 
themselves, to the distributors, telling 
them about this new magazine—I be- 
came а grown-up version of the boy 1 
was in childhood. The kid who dreamed 
the dreams. 

L was the child who invented the 
games the other kids played in our 
neighborhood. I published a penny 
newspaper at the age of eight and start- 
ed a school paper, The Pepper, in the sixth 
grade. I created comic books, wrote 
short stories of mystery and monsters 
and published Shudder magazine in my 
early teens. I made a horror movie, Ке- 
turn From the Dead, when I was 16. 

1 didn't know it at the time, but I was 
in rehearsal for what 1 would do lat- 
er And I did it all—as a kid and when 
I started PLAYBOY—without worrying 
about what I had to lose. That's a feel- 
ing that can set you free, and it was the 
foundation of whatever confidence peo- 
ple thought I had. 

PLAYBOY: Looking back, are you sur- 
prised that no one else had what must in 
retrospect seem like an obvious idea for 
such a magazine? 

HEFNER: Yes. Гуе always thought that the 
concept of PLAYBOY—a magazine for the 
young urban guy—was such a natural 
that it amazes me that no one else had 
thought ofit before. But the mood ofthe 
country was so conservative, and caught 
up in a Father Knows Best domesticity, that 
a handbook for bachelors was a form of 
heresy. 

Esquire had created an upscale maga- 
zine for men in the Thirties, but it was 
for older guys with mistresses. After the 
war, Esky became as conservative as the 
rest. That's why PLAYBOY was such a rev- 
elation. It was for the young man on 
the make. 

PLAYBOY: Was it simply a cultural 
epiphany or were there also personal 
motivations? 

HEFNER: Oh, it was personal all right. 1 
was in an unhappy marriage and I was 
afraid I was going to turn into my par- 
ents. I was raised in a typical Midwestern 
Methodist home with a lot of Puritan re- 
pression. The dreams of my childhood 
came directly from the movies; they had 
more to do with romantic adventure and 


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passion than living happily ever after. 
Romance is the promise of something as 
yet unfulfilled. It's part of our Western 
culture. Our romantic myths deal with 
courtship. not marriage. When a hus- 
band and wife become father and moth- 
er, the focus becomes family and chil- 
dren. In the old-world tradition, the 
romantic connection is often transferred 
to a mistress, and I think that's sad. 
PLAYBOY: Docs tliis mcan you're against 
marriage? 
нани: No. It simply means that mar- 
ge isn't for everyone. Different strokes 
fore different folks. There are many roads 
to Mecca. When I was younger, the cul- 
tural rule makers dictated that there was 
only one way to live your life: Everybody 
had to get married. If 
you didn't, something 
was wrong with you 
But I think it’s per- 
fectly possible to live a 
full, productive, ethi- 
cal, moral life—and 
be single. 

Everybody was get- 
ting married in their 
teens or early 20s, 
right after graduating 
from high school or 
college. That is really 
dumb. Men and wom- 


PS 6.9 32s 


getting younger. 

PLAYBOY: How old do you figure? Twen- 
ty or so? 

HEFNER: Or younger [laughs]. Most of 
my dreams come from childhood and 
adolescence. 

PLAYBOY: How did you come up with the 
idea to use a rabbit as PLAYBOY'S symbol? 
HEFNER: Those are what I call “eureka 
moments.” They often come in the mid- 
dle of the night. The rabbit was one. 
Hiding it on the cover was another. The 
rabbit came out of something 1 did when 
I was a kid. 1 had a trademark for my 
comic books and wanted to create опе 
for PLAYBOY. For the comics it was simply 
a circle with a plus inside it and four 
dots. That was inspired by the Phantom; 


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PLAYBOY: Now Larry Flynt has a black jet 
Since the Milos Forman movie The People 
us. Larry Flynt, Flynt is viewed by some 
as a First Amendment freedom fighter. 
What's your opinion? 
HEFNER: I think he's what he has always 
claimed to be: a hustler. But that's OK. 
He works the other side of the street— 
maybe it’s an alley. It’s just a matter of 
k there's anything 
wrong with it; it's just a little downscale. 
PLAYBOY: What about Bob Guccione, 
founder of Penthouse? 
HEFNER: Guccione is 
more of a mystery to 
me than Flynt. Ihave 
no sense of the man 
or his character. It 
must be there some- 
where, but I've nev- 
er seen it. I've never 
really thought of him 
as an editor. The big 
rage in Penthouse now 
is urination, That's 
a real breakthrough 
for the First Amend- 
ment, isn't it? [Shakes 


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whatever will sell his 
magazine—and that's 
all he does. 

PLAYBOY: What about 
Bob Guccione Jr., 
who started Spin and 
now Gear? 

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a bright kid with a lit- 
tle more focus, with- 
out thc bullshi 
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Че harshly because of 
some of the stories 
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My classmates did the same thing. And 
for a long ume I have believed that the 
major cause of divorce is early marriage 
PLAYBOY: So why have you always pur- 
sued younger women? 
HEFNER: People always ask why I don't 
date women more my own age. I used 
to. Гуе always dated women in their 
teens and 20s. It’s only my age thats 
changed [laughs]. Because of PLAYBOY, 
my life is filled with young, beautiful 
women. I'd be crazy not to take advan- 
tage of that. Somebody has to do it, and 
I'm glad I'm the guy who got the jab. 
PLAYBOY: We're sure you've been told this 
before, but you don't look your age. 
HEFNER: I have this painting in the attic 
76 that's getting older. Actually, I think I'm 


when he hit a bad guy with his skull ring. 
he left his mark. It fired my imagination 
I wanted to leave my mark, too. 
PLAYBOY: Give us another eureka mo- 
ment. 

HEFNER: When I painted the DC-9 black. 
If it hadn't been black, I don't think the 
plane would have become world famous. 
No one had ever painted a jet aircraft 
black before. But it had a Batman- James 
Bond mystique about it, particularly 
with the Jet Bunnies onboard in their 
great 007 outfits. Playboy executives in- 
sisted that we couldn't paint the plane 
black because you couldn't see it at night 
and it would absorb too much heat in the 
daytime. Commercial planes in thosc 
days were all silver or white. We had to 


ships with his family 
and some of the peo- 
ple who have worked 
for him. 

PLAYBOY: What is your opinion of Jann 
Wenner and Rolling Stone? 

HEFNER: He knows what he's doing. He 
managed to reinvent his magazine and 
keep it hot. 

PLAYBOY: How about Helen Gurley 
Brown? 

HEFNER: I love her. I helped her when 
she wasturning Cosmopolitan into a wom- 
en's version of PLAYBOY. 

PLAYBOY: Any thoughts on the current 
first lady of publishing, Tina Brown? 
HEFNER: A fantastic editor. I loved what 
she did with Vanily Fair, though I was less 
impressed with the changes she made in 
The New Yorker. Madison Avenue was ob: 
viously not impressed. I think that Tina 
has a better shot with what she’s doing 


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77 


PLAYBOY 


78 


пом, with Talk, because it’s closer to her 
British roots. Talk is similar to several 
European publications. There's a mix of 
glitz and glamour with tabloid journal- 
s owned by a movie studio. 

с In this megacorporate world 
ly not the only magazine alfili- 
ated with a studio. 

HEFNER: That's true. 118 fascinating how 
there is no longer any distance between 
anything anymore. In the early days of 
The New Yorker, Harold Ross kept the ed- 
itorial integrity of his magazine intact by 
putting his editors on a different floor 
from the advertising department. He 
wouldn't even let the two departments 
talk to each other. Now? Forget about 
it. You've got Time and Life and People 
and Entertainment Weekly owned by Time 
Warner. Disney owns ÁBC and Viacom 
owns CBS. Businesswise, everybody's 
sleeping with everybody—and here we 
are criticizing Clinton for his sex life? 
PLAYBOY: You've also had your share of 
critics. What's your reaction? 

HEFNER: Back in the Sixties, I said that 
when you read about me, it wasn't just 
about me. Writing about рілувоу and 
its editor-in-chief is like an inkblot—a 
Rorschach test. People project their own 
fantasies and prejudices onto the maga- 
zine and my life. It's understandable, be- 
cause so much of my is related to the 
fantasies and prejudices of America 
much of the rest of the world. Over time 
I've noticed how the reflections on my 
life have changed with the social climate. 
What generates applause in one decade 
brings a negative reaction in another. 
PLAYBOY: Let's take one well-known crit- 
ic, Gloria Steinem. In 1998 you two were 
inducted into the Hall of Fame by the 
American Society of Magazine Editors. 
She has made no secret of her belief that 
you are the ultimate exploiter of women. 
HEFNER: T hat's sad and in my opinion re- 
veals unresolved conflicts in her own life. 
She seems to have become more and 
more conservative over the years—why 
else would she continue to support con- 
victions that made little sense back then, 
and no sense at all now with respect to 
riaynoy, the relationship between the 
sexes and sex itself? She is still trying to 
justify a point of view born in a more 
naive time. In the Eighties she aligned 
herself with Catharine MacKinnon and 
Andrea Dworkin, women who represent 
the most radical, antisexual part of the 
feminist movement. 

PLAYBOY: п'є your relationship with 
Gloria Steinem begin when she worked 
for you as a Bunny? 

HEFNER: It actually goes back further 
than that. In the early days of PLAYBOY, 
Harvey Kurtzman, who created Mad 
magazine, came to work for me when he 
had a falling out with his publisher. He 
asked about the possibility of starting a 
similar humor magazine. 1 agreed, and 
he produced a couple issues of a maga- 
zine called Trump and then he published 


опе on his own called Help! He con- 
tributed to PLAYBOY from time to time 
and created Little Annie Fanny for us, il- 
lustrated by Will Elder. One day Harvey 
told me about his secretary, a Girl Friday 
named Gloria. He thought she and 1 
would be a perfect match го ally 
because, in his opinion, she was a female 
version of me. In other words, she had 
the kind of influence over men that he 
thought I had with women. [Pauses] Put 
it this w һе was very good at getting 
her way with guys. What particularly im- 
pressed Harvey was her ability to talk 
male celebrities into appearing on his 
magazine covers, At Harvey's sugges- 
tion, I called her and we made plans to 
get together when I was in New York. 
On my next visit, she was out of the 
country, but she wrote me a nice letter 
expressing regret that we'd missed each 
other and saying she hoped to see me on 
another occasion. That occasion turned 
out to be a Playboy party in New York, 
but she didn't show. She begged off with 
some excuse. Of course, the real reason 
she wasn't there was that she'd gone un- 
dercover as a Bunny at the Playboy Club 
to do a story for Show magazine, and she 
was afraid that if she showed up at the 
party she would blow her cover. I Gloria 
and 1 had gotten together, it might have 
changed the course of the entire feminist 
movement! The mind boggles. 

PLAYBOY: What is your impression of the 
current state of the feminist movement? 
HEFNER: 1 think it's less radical and less 
antiscxual than it was in the Eighties. 
PLAYBOY: The antiporn crusade never 
gained much public support, but aren't 
sexual harassment and date гаре still im- 
portant issues? 

HEFNER: Real sexual harassment and date 
rape should be issues. But let's take the 
politics out of it. It's perfectly permis- 
sible for people to make passes at one 
another. How else are we supposed to 
perpetuate the species? What we call 
sexual harassment and date rape are, i 
too many instances, like Orwellian New- 
speak: The definitions change with the 
politics of the day. The mating game is 
an ongoing, wonderful phenomenon. 
We should be celebrating that. Can it 
have excesses and can it be exploited? Of 
course. But if one thinks that every vai 
ation on the theme that expresses hu- 
man yearning and sexuality is somehow 
exploitative or harassment, we're the 
poorer for it. 

PLAYBOY: Are you optimistic about rela- 
tions between the sexes? 

HEFNER: | feel as if we're coming out of a 
long dark tunnel. The public reaction to 
the Clinton scandal would not have been 
as tolerant if we were still in the dark 
ages of not so long ago. Just as the Eight- 
ies and the carly Nineties were a bad 
lash to the liberal Sixties and Seventies, 
we're now experiencing a backlash to 
the repression of the past two decades 
Maybe it's not а backlash as much as the 


public finally understanding that they 
don't need Ken Starr, the members of. 
Congress or any government officials 
telling them what their morals should or 
shouldn't be. We can make up our own 
minds based on the individual situa- 
tion—and if the public's ultimate reac- 
tion to the Clinton fiasco is any example, 
we do. 
PLAYBOY: Those repressive attitudes were 
in part responsible for some of PLAYBOY's 
darkest days. 
HEFNER: From the beginning, PLAYROY 
never enjoyed a level playing field. Our 
fortunes depend on the political climate. 
We prospered in the Sixties, but dealt 
with government harassment in the Sev- 
enties and Eighties. With Reagan in the 
White House, with the support of the 
Moral Majority and the Christian Right 
we faced Charles Keating and his Citi- 
zens for Decent Literature, Jerry Falwell 
and Reverend Wildmon and the pres- 
sures they put on advertisers, ad agen- 
cies, wholesalers and retailers with the 
support of the Justice Department. The 
Meese Commission actually labeled 
PLAYBOY pornography—and then apolo- 
gized after the damage had been done. 
But that conflict is quintessentially 
American: The battle between the Puri- 
tan and the Playboy is as American as ap- 
ple pie. 
PLAYBOY: What did you think of Meese 
personally? 
HEFNER: | don't know a lot about him as 
a man, but he reminded me of Nixon's 
attorney general, John Mitchell, and 
seemed to be about as morally bankrupt. 
"The Meese Commission was not a seri 
ous investigation of sex and social disor- 
der; it was a political witch-hunt. They 
spent no money on rescarch. The real 
study was done in the Sixties, but Nixon 
rejected и because he didn't like the re- 
sults. One member of the Meese Com- 
mission was a prominent Cath: shop 
who turned out to be a pederast. [Pauses] 
You know, it's really remarkable how, as 
the Eighties came to an end, we discov- 
ered so many of these self-righteous peo- 
ple were the Charles Keatings and the 
Jimmy Swaggarts. The sickos of society. 
But that is the way of things, isn't it? It's 
nice to sec, in one's own lifetime, that the 
good guys turn out to really be the good 
guys. Usually that only bappens in the 
movie: 
PLAYBOY: Is that why you've recently re- 
ceived more good press than at any oth- 


HEFNER: Sure. The media reflect the 
moral climate cf the times. But part of it 
imply because I've survived and pre- 
vailed. That counts for a lot. As we ap- 
proach the new millennium, we're react- 
ing against the conservatism and the 
political correctness of the past. We're а 
little closer to reality now. People who 
would like to control our lives have lost 
the war. One reason is pure technology. 
Information is king and everyone has 


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PLAYBOY 


more and more access to it. You can't put 
the genie back in the bottle. Pandora's 
box is open, for good or ill. Almost ev- 
ery conceivable expression of sexuality 
is now out there for everybody—if they 
want it. An Anthony Comstock or a Jerry 
Falwell or an Edwin Meese cannot force 
their prejudices on the rest of us. Public 
reaction to sexual shenanigans in the 
White House has something to do with 
it, too. A handful of years ago, talking 
about sex around the office watercool- 
er was considered politically incorrect. 
[Chuckles] Now, talk of sex—oral sex, 
even—is part of Jay Leno's nightly 
monolog. The Tonight Show would be lost 
without sex. Compare Leno's monolog 
with what Carson had to work with—or 
was willing to work with—ten or 20 years 
ago. We live in a diflerent world today. 
PLAYBOY: You've been through so much. 
What makes you so resilient? 

HEFNER: Part of it is the luck of the draw. 
Another part is my eternal optimism. I 
really believe that things will work out if 
you hold on to your dreams. 

PLAYBOY: So you feel vindicated? 
t's more than vindication. I 
never imagined that everything would 
work out as well as it has in my lifetime. 
‘This is a real time of celebration for 
me—and for the company. What a way 
to end the century and welcome the new 
millennium. 

PLAYBOY: Stories of your exploits are le- 
gion. The British magazine FHM recent- 
ly estimated that you have made love to 
3000 women in your life. In fact, it esti- 
mated that the aggregate weight of these 
women would equal that of an airplane. 
We believe the words employed were, 
He's fucked a jet! Is this compatible with 
your own tallies? 

HEFNER: As with many things in my life it 
is an exaggeration. Like most men, 1 
went through a period when scoring was 
important. But I’m a romantic, so I tend 
to get involved in relationships—even if 
it's three or four at a time. I really think 
quality is more important than quantity. 
And because of the magazine, I've had а 
chance to meet and make love to some of 
the most beautiful women in the world. 
PLAYBOY: In the spirit of this millennium 
retrospective, how about sharing a cou- 
ple of your sexual moments that have re- 
mained cherished memories? 

HEFNER: I'm not sure how many I’m 
ready to share with уси or our readers. 
But whatever you imagine it was like, 
it was better. More love and more laugh- 
ter. More incredible sexual adventures 
and more lasting loves and friendships 
as well. 

PLAYBOY: Please give us something. In- 
quiring minds really want to know. 
HEFNER: On one birthday, 18 naked girls 
were waiting for me in the Grotto. 
PLAYBOY: You used to videotape your sex- 
ual escapades. Do you ever rerun any of 
your favorites from the past? 


80 HEFNER: Not anymore. I got rid of them 


in the Eighties. Early on, in a gadget- 
filled house. I recorded a lot of sexual 
adventures, but only with the partici- 
pants’ knowledge and approval. 
PLAYBOY: You destroyed important his- 
torical records that make the Nixon 
tapes pale into insignificance. Why? 
HEFNER: I thought it was time. A girl 1 
was dating tried to take one of them, and 
I didn't want them falling into the wrong 
hands. Some of the women on the tapes 
were married with children by then, and 
I thought it was time to get rid of them. 
PLAYBOY: How? 

HEFNER: We deep-sixed them. Dumped 
them in the ocean. 

PLAYBOY: Where? 

HEFNER: 1 don’t know the location. Sorry. 
"The tapes are gone, but the memories 
linger on. 

PLAYBOY: What was your reaction to 
the Pamela Anderson- Tommy Lee sex 
video? 

HEFNER: This is a classic example of how 
personal privacy has all but disappeared 
in our society. Part of the reason is tech- 
nology, but it's more complicated than 
that. The court was not particularly sym- 
pathetic, even though the tape was 
stolen from their home. That suggests 
that celebrities have no rights to privacy 
whatever, which makes no sense at all. 
Was the judge penalizing Pamela and 
‘Tommy Lee because he didn't approve 
of their personal lives? I have no idea. I 
think it was a bad decision. 

In any case, the videotape of Pame- 
la and Tommy Lee having sex had no 
more effect on her career than the nude 
calendar pictures of Marilyn Monroe 
had in the Fifties. That tells us how far 
we've come in the last half century. 
PLAYBOY: You had a similar experience in 
1998 when Larry Flynt published ex- 
plicit pictures of you and a former girl- 
friend in your round bed in Chicago. 
HEFNER: Those pictures were taken 25 
years ago with a Polaroid camera. They 
were stolen from the Chicago Mansion 
and I didn't even know they were miss- 
ing until Larry Flynt called to tell me he 
had them. He said he would return 
them if I would come and get them from 
him in Columbus. 

I wasn't about to take a trip to Colum- 
bus. But as a gesture of goodwill, I invit- 
ed him to Playboy Mansion West. He 
carne and gave me the pictures. 

He obviously made duplicates and, 
25 years later, he published them. The 
former girlfriend : now married with 
teenage children, so he faces serious liti- 
gation on this one. 

PLAYBOY: You once admitted that some of 
your swing scenes in the Seventies and 
Eighties included bisexuality. Why did 
you think it was appropriate to talk 
about that? 

HEFNER: I was trying to question some of 
the prejudices related to sexuality. The 
distinctions we make between what is 
acceptable and unacceptable sexual be- 


havior are all so contrived. These social 
taboos have very little to do with the real 
nature of man. As Lenny Bruce said a 
long time ago, if a guy was alone on a 
desert island he would schtup mud. 

All my dreams are heterosexual. The 
fact that I was willing to experiment with 
variations on the theme, as part of a 
multipartner swing scene, is simply a 
statement that I think those taboos are 
bullshit. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think these taboos are 
disappearing? 

HEFNER: Yes I do. Alter the political con- 
servatism of the Eighties and the hyste- 
ria caused by AIDS, I think the more іг- 
rational taboos are starting to disappear. 
I think people are more open to experi- 
mentation and more tolerant of other 
points of view. 

The public reaction to the President 
Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair was a 
revelation. Americans proved to be 
much less prudish and puritanical than 
right-wing politicians and former mem- 
bers of the Moral Majority would have 
us believe, One member of the Moral 
Majority reluctandy conceded, “There is 
no Moral Majority in America.” Well, not 
his kind of Moral Majority at any rate. 
PLAYBOY: Are Americans really uncon- 
cerned about politicians" personal lives? 
HEFNER: 1 don't believe we think that per- 
sonal moral questions related to sex are 
the major indicators of character any- 
more. What one does in bed has to do 
only with the other person in bed be- 
side them, or with the members of their 
families if one or both of those persons 
are married. When one finds that many 
of the greatest leaders of this centu- 
ry—from FDR to Martin Luther King— 
were adulterers, it's pretty clear that 
adultery doesn't matter very much. May- 
be it indicates that great men don't al- 
ways live conventional lives—and maybe 
that's all right. If nothing else, it proves 
they're human. Whether you are a rock 
star, a politician or a clergyman, you 
are going to be tempted by the groupies 
that come with celebrity. Celebrities of 
any kind get opportunities that don't 
typically exist for others. You can't ex- 
pect people to live lives according to 
rules that were defined by Puritans a 
long time ago. 

PLAYBOY: Sum up the Clinton-Lewinsky 
affair. 
HEFNER: Much ado about nothing. I just 
wish that he'd had better taste. But it was 
a perfecily appropriate affair, and really 
nobody's business but hers and Clin- 
ton's. It had everything to do with his re- 
sponsibilities to his family, not his re- 
sponsibilities to the country. 
PLAYBOY: But he did lie to the country. 
HEFNER: It was none of our business. I 
don't have a problem with office affairs. 
The notion that somehow they are by 
definition exploitative is simply untrue. 
That's only if they involve an abuse of 
(continued on page 240) 


WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PLAYBOY? 


He knows when to party and when to stay home. Of all nights, this is the one to get right, and 
PLAYBOY men know how. Three quarters of a million PLAYBOY men drank champagne in the past 
six months, more than the nightlifers at GQ and Rolling Stone combined. And PLAYBOY men are 
big on video electronics. They spent $3.8 billion last year, more than the so-called shop- 
pers at Men's Health or Esquire. PLAYBOY—we're BunnY2K. (Source: Spring 1999 MRI.) 


82 


THE PANEL 


—self-pro- 
claimed cognitive dissident, 
co-founder and vice chairman 
of the Electronic Frontier Foun- 
dation. He is also a Berkman 
Fellow at Harvard Law School. 

—founder of the 
Trends Research Institute and 
author of the influential book 
Trend-Tracking. Its follow-up, 
Trends 2000, was a national 
best-seller. 

—author, colum- 
nist and editor who writes 
about technology for Forbes. 
сот and PC Magazine. Dvorak 
also hosts a nationally syndi- 
cated radio show and ZDTV's 
Silicon Spin. 

—author of the 
seminal cyberclassic Neuro- 
mancer. His latest science fic- 
tion masterpiece is A// Tomor- 
row's Parties. 

—chairman of 
the Gilder Group and editor of 
the Gilder Technology Report, 
senior fellow at the Discovery 


by David Sheff 


HUMURE 


who know 


Institute and author of Men 
and Marriage, Wealth and Pov- 
erty, Microcosm and, most re- 
cently, Telecosm. 

—co-founder of and 
chief scientist at Sun Micro- 
systems. Led Sun’s technical 
strategy, spearheading such 
projects as Sparc micropro- 
cessor architecture, Java pro- 
gramming technology and, 
most recently, the Jini-distrib- 
uted computing technology. 

—renowned com- 

puter scientist and vice presi- 
dent at Sony's cutting edge 
U.S. Research Laboratories in 
San Jose, California. 

—co- 
founder and director of the 
MIT Media Lab, where he also 
holds the title of Jerome B. 
Wiesner Professor of Media 
Technology. Author of 1995's 
Being Digital. 

—founder of Groove 
Networks (groove.net), an in- 
novative start-up company in 


COLLAGE BY DAVID PLUNKERT 


Beverly, Massachusetts. Cre- 
ator of Lotus Notes, the defin- 
ing groupware product now in 
use by nearly 50 mi п peo- 
ple worldwide. 

—best-selling 
author of Clicking and The 
Popcorn Report. Founder of 
BrainReserve, the futurist and 
highly successful marketing 
consultancy. 

— co-founder of the 
Quantum Fund with George 
Soros and author of Invest- 
ment Biker. Runs the jimrog 
ers.com website. 

—esteemed 
songwriter, producer and “mul- 
timedia messiah"; has an in- 
novative website at tr-i.com. 

—partner in 
Sculley Brothers, a venture 
capital firm that invests in and 
helps build Internet business- 
to-business and business- 
to-consumer companies. For- 
mer chief executive officer of 
Apple Computer. 


TECHNOLOGY | М 


чалы 


© «=. The most common per- 
sonal computer of the new era will 
be a digital cellular phone as por- 
table as your watch that will гес- 
ognize speech, navigate streets, 
conduct transactions and collect 
your news and mail and read them 
to you. It'll have an infinite num- 
ber of functions, some of which 
we can't anticipate today. It may 
not do Windows, but it will open 
your front door and the door to 
your safe. 
Negroponte: ı will be com- 
puters with common sense, of 
which dogs and cats have more 
than any computer today. Com- 
puters are getting more complex, 
not less, because of creeping fea- 
tures and options, most of which 
go unused. Future computers will 
configure themselves based on ac- 
quaintance with a specific person. 
At the end of the third millen- 
nium, we may achieve some forms 
of teleportation, if only for food. 
products—not people or cars. 
© ln the short term, the 
most dramatic ci will come 
about from a simple improvement 
of what has been already invent- 
ed—the videophone. With the 
advent of broadband, we'll soon 
see the face behind the voice. 
This means more people will be 
working out of their homes 
full- or part-time, able to interact 
with their colleagues wherever 
they are. 
` ` ` The next 100 years will be 
shaped principally by advance- 
ments in biomedical sciences, ma- 
terials sciences and global tele- 
communications. The chemical, 
genetic and physiological bases of 
human health and behavior will 
be well understood. Radical new 
drugs and treatments will be used 
for disease control as well as hu- 
man enhancement, including al- 
teration of emotion, memory, sen- 
sory acuity and learning ability. 
Smart materials that will sense 
and respond to light, temperature, 
stress, odors and chemicals will 
be developed. Additionally, there 
will be major advances in packag- 
ing, fabrics and synthetic bones 
and organs. 
— The Internet makes the 
leap from useful technology to in- 


dispensable service. Digital wire- 
less PDAs (e.g., mobile data 
phones, organizers, I wal- 
lets, e-mail clients, digital video 
cameras, digital business cards, 
etc.) will become ubiquitous. 
1222211 Shopping of the future: 
We'll be watching Ally McBeal (or 
another show), like what Ally’s 
wearing, put our hand on the 
screen to stop the program, and 
order the clothes, furniture, even 
the dog right off the screen. Ally 
will show it to us in all the colors 
available, we'll order, our cred- 
it cards will be billed and the 
clothes will be shipped to us the 
next day. We'll have microchips 
implanted in our brains to become 
versed in subjects that would take 
years of traditional schooling to 
attain. In the new millennium, if 
you want to be trilingual, just have 
the language chips of your choice 
implanted. Chips in every sub- 
ject—from 18th century Russian 
history to molecular biology—will 
be available, but expensive. 
ро Moorc's law and its ob- 
servation that everything doubles 
in power every 18 months means 
that every 15 years there isa quan- 
tum (1000 times) change. So by 
2015 every technological thing 
you have will be 1000 times more 
powerful, 1000 times more com- 
pact. By 2030, what you have to- 
day will be 1 million times more 
powerful (1000 times 1000). This 
kind of change will result in ev- 
erything from cars that drive 
themselves to toys that think. 
Imagine a Furby 1 million times 
more powerful for $29.95. Practi- 
cal robots should appear by the 
year 2030 and be part of society 
by 2045, when the changes (1000 
times 1000 times 1000) reach a 
trillion-fold. 

`` The major technology trend 
in the carly part of the new centu- 
ry will be the marrying of ad- 
vances in genetics with those in 
software. This will lead to a new 
type of software technology that 
will support evolution and adap- 
tation in the same way as today’s 
biological systems. Software sys- 
tems will adapt to the world 
around them and the changing 
needs of their users. As the centu- 
ry progresses, this evolutionary 


software will move from being hu- 
man-created to being self-created, 
eventually resulting in machines 
and devices that create and evolve 
themselves. While they are un- 
likely to reach the same level of 
complexity as human beings, in- 
creasingly we will rely on ma- 
chines and devices that are au- 
tonomous and of which we will 
have little understanding of the 
inner workings. 

1011 Even if we find no life be- 
yond the planet earth, physical 
and biological changes from space 
will create undreamed-of ways 
and forms of life. Meanwhile, the 
wars of the future will be so de- 
structive that many cultures will 
disappear, as they have been do- 
ing over the past 100 years. 
UTES 5 Before the year 3000, 
the trendy concept of technology 
will evaporate, replaced by ubiq- 
uitous knowledge, efficiency, pro- 
ductivity and a restored belief in 
magic as the only technology 
worth developing. After all, what 
is the unified field theory but the 
alchemist's Rosetta stone? 
`. The current main thrusts 
of technology are communication 
and expanding the senses vast- 
ly beyond the body. This will con- 
tínue. We are creating a shared 
nervous system for the planet. Г 
believe that before Y3K every 
neuron on earth, living or manu- 
factured, will be continuously 
connected with every other neu- 
ron. The world will become a gi- 
ant brain. 

< E suspect that we will hit 
a technological singularity some 
years up the road that will change 
everything, bringing about, liter- 
ally, the end of the world as we 
know it. What the next one will 
be is anybody’s guess. I sort of 
like that, but I don’t have a hell of 
a lot of choice in the matter, so I 
might as well. 


типиение 
зи зтетртъра 


ways Ше dog's best friend. Televi- 
sion will be replaced by infinite 
choices of programming of all 


descriptions that can be summoned 
from anywhere around the world. 
Choice is important because choice 
enhances quality. Lowest common de- 
nominator media is always going to be 
aimed at lowest common denominator 
tastes and will miss the aspirations, 
curiosities and creativities of individ- 
ual human beings. I predict that about 
half of the programming on the Net 
will be educational as time passes, be- 
cause education will be the key wealth 
creator in the new economy. 

Joy: In the next decade we will see 
the emergence of lifelike quality in 
immersive entertainment and interac- 
tive storytelling, involving characters 
we can relate to emotionally. With 
luck, we will see an increasing interest 
in puzzles and learning at the expense 
of games and diversions. In the next 
century new sports should emerge 
that use some of the new man-made 
networked objects as an integral part 
of the game, and which allow players 


at different levels to compete more 
closely. 

Celente: Today’s big-three sports— 
baseball, basketball and football—will 
decline in national importance. Not 
only will fewer youngsters participate 
in them, spectators will cast their eye- 
balls toward soccer and the extreme 
games for their viewing enjoyment. 
Aging boomers and a new crop of golf 
enthusiasts will pack the courses be- 
yond capacity. On the entertainment 
front: a hot new wild club scene. Live 
music and theater will flourish. 
Negroponte: There will be a dimin- 
ishment of spectator sports in favor of 
vicarious sports—those in which the 
average person can compete at Olym- 
pic levels from his home. The compet- 
itive and exercise aspects of sports 
will be achieved through simulation. 
The experiential side, like outdoor 
touring, will be a highly sought-after 
luxury, using the likes of real moun- 
tains and real outdoors. Entertain- 


ment will get bigger and smaller, like 
all things digital. Epic movies, amuse- 
ment parks and opera and theater 
(like archaeological events) will domi- 
nate mass media, whereas everything 
else will be personalized and on de- 
mand. Our great-grandchildren will 
be astonished at the lockstep obedi- 
ence with which our generation has 
watched TV in such a highly synchro- 
nized manner. 

Ozzie: Information technology ad- 
vances will significantly impact enter- 
tainment—from live-looking yet syn- 
thetic actors in movies to “better than 
being there” interactive Net-based 
live-event coverage. In sports, unde- 
tectable prenatal genetic therapy and 
enhancement will breed generations 
of superathletes, changing the nature 
of competition and turning most 
sporting events into X Games. 
Rundgren: A millennial shift repre- 
sents an opportunity to clarify the dis- 
tinction between entertainment and 
performance and to at- 
tain a greater under- 
standing of the charac- 
teristics required for 
each. With time on our 
hands and so many 
artists offering their 
talents to the public at 
large, what standard of 
greatness do we apply? 
The distinctions be- 
tween athleticism, art 
and entertainment that 
have been so effectively 
blurred by professional 
wrestling will spawn a 
renewed interest in the 
circus and in circus 
performers as super- 
stars, Referring to a 
Sporting event or con- 
cert as “a circus” will 
be high praise and sig- 
nify that a superlative 
professionalism has 
been achieved. 
Popcorn: There will be 
no such thing as a tele- 
vision program guide 
in the future—we'll be 
able to watch whatever 
show we want on the 
day and at the time we 
feel like it (on our 
watches, if we want to). 
We will simply use our 
remote controls to type 
in the name of the 
show, and there it will 
be. Also, if we miss a 
portion of it or want to 
replay a funny scene, 
we'll just stop and 
(continued on page 132) 


“Wake up George! It’s the millennium!” 


we looked high, 
we looked low. 
then we looked 
even lower 


rom the XXX Files, Office of the Senior Security Advisor, 
Morality Police. Classified. *Mini-Hef's origins are shrouded in 
mystery. Various theories attribute his rise to one of many po- 
tential factors—errant protozoa fermenting in the spindrift of 
the Grotto, perhaps, or a poorly timed sneeze during sex, or 
even a vacuum pump explosion. However, there is no doubt that 
this shadowy figure served as the inspiration for the character 


Mini-Me in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Fact: During the 
past few years, sightings of Mini-Hef have gone way up. (It is no coin- 


cidence that Viagra arrived on the scene at the same time.) His exis- 
tence has been increasingly difficult to conceal. It's obvious he took on 
the role of a violent psychopath and masqueraded in public as one 
Verne Troyer, movie star, to throw off the scent. But it's clear he is 
the randy sensualist who has been wreaking havoc with the morals of 
America for more than four decades—and we have the pictures to 
prove it.” In effect, this portfolio is everything PLAYBOY stands tall for. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


make mischief, says the son, if 
you must. just don't confuse 
philately with fellatio 


RISTOPHER D 


1 


UCKLEY 


It's a sad commentary on our times— 
rather, on me—that the word vice had 
not zctually crossed my mind since the 
TV show Miami Vice went off the air, 
in 1989. Sinful as I am, I may not be 
entirely alone. Vice—qua vice, as my 
colleague in this matching pair of es- 
says would put it—is not a word, or 
even a concept, that one comes upon a 
lot anymore. If that tells us something 
of our time, perhaps it tells us even 
more about where—God save us—we 
are headed. 

I dic what any diligent vice research- 
er would do, given the task of finding 
out about the future of vice—I went 
online. I used a search engine called 
Northernlight.com, because someone 
had told me it was the most compre- 
hensive. My initial impulse was to use 
Yahoo or Excite, because they sound 
so vicious—I'm using the word in its 
strict sense—as though they're panting 
to whisk you to a website so steamy 
that you'll have to get up and take a 
cold shower before it's even finished 
downloading. 

1 typed in the word vice. Northern- 
light did its cybershivering and blink- 
ing and a few seconds later announced 
that it had found some 3,192,738 items 
relating to vice, a virtual embarrass- 
ment of riches. The sheer magnitude 
made me feel somehow out of it. Here 
I hadn't even given vice any thought 
since Don Johnson and Philip Michael 
Thomas stopped pumping nine-mil- 
limeter rounds into vicious—in every 
sense—cartelistas, and now Northern- 
light was telling me that there was an 
abundance of it going on out there. At. 
that very moment, someone was prob- 
ably making a killing on a vice-related 
website IPO. 

But as I read beneath the column ti- 
tled "Documents that best match your 
scarch," I saw that the top half-dozen 
matches included, among others, the 
Regular Members Listing for Alame- 
da County and the Emergency Ргосе- 
dures Division | (concluded on page 250) 


To write in pLaysoy about the future we are living in an age of forgiveness, | 
of virtue! What is the governing as- ^ | 
Sumption? That the old virtues, hav. 3495 Ше father, and that doesn't bode 4 
ing lost their virginity, are no longer well for the next centu. | 
useful? Well, let's walk daintily around 
the subject of what one of the old vir- 
tues called for. I am a guest here and 
Hugh Hefner opined on that subject in 
the May 1998 issue of PLAYBOY: “Presi- 
dent Clinton has become a sort of sex- 
ual Rorschach. I have been in a similar 
position for more than 40 years." The 
founder and principal exegete of the 
Playboy Philosophy declared his will- 
ingness to concelebrate the emancipa- 
Чоп: “The sexually charged atmo- 
sphere of the White House has lit a 
thousand points of lust—around wa- 
tercoolers, on the Internet, in bed- 
rooms, on telephones—and a thou- 
sand points of tolerance.” Does the 
future envision a revival of virtue be- 
tween the sheets, the working, per- 
haps, of some mora] Viagra? We won't 
speculate on that. 

But to be fair, no restrictions were 
even suggested by the editor, who won- 
ders whether there are cultural cir- 
cumstances in sight that adumbrate the 
revival of fresh virtues or the repristi- 
nation of old virtues. He reminded me 
that President Clinton was detected vi- 
olating traditional standards that had 
nothing to do with what one used to 
call the sins of the flesh. He lied. He 
showed a lack of self-control, of 
loyalty and of concern for oth- 
ers. But then the salient deposit. 
of the Lewinsky years (let's сай 
them that) wasn't really Clin- 
ton's behavior, it was the tolera- 
tion of it. True, the polls didn't 
tell us in so many words that: 
the president's deportment was en- 
dorsed by the public. What the Ameri- 
can people agreed to do was simply to 
turn their heads to one side, and to re- 
affirm Clinton's tenure in office. 

So what of the future? 

Most virtues are utilitarian (honor- 
ing thy father (concluded on page 256) 


— 


ILLUSTRATION EY SEBASTIAN KRUGER 


humor By Robert 5. Wieder 


WATHE CENTURY 


the last ten decades prover a number of things, few of them pleasant 


Prologue | 
Another century shot to hell | 
On striving and confusion; | 
Its consistent theme has been 

Our dogged self-delusion. 


From nineteen-aught to now we've bought | 
The load: "The good don't fail,” | 
“Тһе future's bright," "We know what's right," | 
"'The check is in the тай.“ | 


Our growth was fueled by immigrants 
(Whose grandkids, oddly, panic 

At "threats to our proud culture" posed 
By newcomers Hispanic). 


1005 

Morgan, Ford and Rockefeller 
Ruled like potentates. 

But oligarchy's time has passed. 
(Would someone tell Bill Gates?) 


To PARIS 
рер MAY 20-2, 
NANCY 


«2 


19205 

Lindbergh's grand achievement simply 
Can't be overlooked: 

A transatlantic budget flight 

That wasn't overbooked. 


19305 

Social Security was set up 

For our retirement days 

By folks who thought we'd surely not 
Just piss it all away. AW. 


19405 

Danger, bad food, officers: The 
Army was the shits, sir. 

But all agreed it clearly beat 
Our having to heil Hitler. 


19705 

Great oaks from little acorns grow; 
| likewise, it was the fate 

Of one small bungled burglary 
| To grow to Watergate. 


1980s 

Japan Inc. owned the Eighties, and 
, Was buying out the store. 

As they grew rich, we wondered: 
Which side won that goddamn war? 


19505 
Nudity in print? Outlawed! 
And talk of sex? Obscene! 


In Chicago, though, there was 
This brash new magazine. . . . 


— BIG BROTHER 


IS WATCHING 


YOU 


10905 


The Sixties: Hippies, free love, peace— Orwell, Huxley, Asimov: Not 


Ah, those were lovely days. 


One could guess the outcome. 


At least we're pretty sure they were; Instead of Brave New World, we're 


Our memory's all a haze. 


' Living іп BraveNewWorld.com. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOHN CRAIG 


101 


102 


he 


press 


picasso, einstein 
and hemingway conspire 
to blow up the world's 


masterpieces 


fiction By Robert Silverberg 


x AQUIET moment late in the tranquil year of 
2999 four men are struggling to reach an 
agreement over the details of their plan to 
blow up the Louvre. They have been wran- 
— gling for the last two days over the merits of 
implosion versus explosion. Their names are Al- 
bert Einstein (1879-1955), Pablo Picasso (1881— 
1973), Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961) and 
Vjong Cleversmith (2683-2804). 

Why, you may wonder, do these men want to 
destroy the world's greatest repository of ancient 
art? And how does it come to pass that a man of 
the 28th century, more or less, is conspiring with 
three celebrities of a much earlier time? 

Strettin Vulpius (2953-), who has been track- 
ing this impish crew across the face of the peace- 
ful world for many months now, knows much 
more about these people than you do, but he too 
has yet to fathom their fondness for destruction 
and is greatly curious about it. For him itis a pro- 
fessional curiosity, or as close to professional as 
anything can be, here in this happy time at the 
end of the third millennium, when work of any 
sort is essentially a voluntary activity. 

Atthe moment, Vulpius is watching them from 
a distance of several thousand meters. He has es- 
tablished himself in a hotel room in the little 


PAINTING BY STEVEN HICKMAN, 


PLAYBOY 


Swiss village of Zermatt and they are 
making their headquarters presently in 
a lovely villa of baroque style that nes- 
des far above the town in a bower of 
tropical palms and brightly blossoming 
orchids on the lush green slopes of the 
Matterhorn. Vulpius has succeeded in 
affixing a minute spy-eye to the fleshy 
inner surface of the room where the 
troublesome four are gathered. It pro- 
vides him with a clear image of all that 
is taking place in there 

Cleversmith, who is the ringleader, 
says, “We need to make up our minds.” 
He is slender, agile, a vibrant long- 
limbed whip of a man. “The clock 
keeps on pulsing, you know. The Mil- 
lennium Express is roaring toward us 
minute by minute.” 

“I tell you, implosion is the way for 
us to go,” says Einstein. He looks to 
be about 40, smallish of stature, with 
a great mop of curling hair and soft, 
thoughtful eyes, incongruous above his 
deep chest and sturdy, athletic shoul- 
ders. “An elegant symbolic statement. 
The earth opens; the museum and ev- 
erything that it contains quietly disap- 
pear into the chasm.” 

“Symbolic of what?” asks Picasso 
scornfully. He too is short and stocky, 
but he is almost completely bald, and 
his eyes, ferociously bright and pierc- 
ing, are the antithesis of Einstein's gen- 
tle ones. “Blow the damn thing up, I 
say. Let the stuff spew all around the 
town and come down like snow. A snow- 
fall of paintings, the first snow any- 
where in a thousand уса: 

Cleversmith nods. "A pretty image, 
yes. Thank you, Pablo, Ernest?” 

“Implode,” says the biggest of the 
men. “The quiet way, the subtle way.” 
He lounges against the wall closest to 
the great curving window with his back 
to the others, a massive burly figure 
holding himself braced on one huge 
hand thar is splayed out no more than 
five centimeters from the spy-eye as he 
stares down into the distant valley. He 
carries himself like a big cat, graceful, 
loose-jointed, subtly menacing. “The 
pretty way, ch? Your turn, Vjong.” 

But Picasso says, before Cleversmith 
can reply, “Why be quiet or subtle 
about welcoming the new millennium? 
What we want to do is make a splash.” 

“Му position precisely,” Cleversmith 
says. “My vote goes with you, Pablo. And 
so we are still deadlocked, it seems.” 

Hemingway says, still facing away 

from them, “Implosion reduces the 
chance that innocent passersby will get 
killed.” 
Killed?” cries Picasso, and claps his 
hands in amusement. “Killed? Who 
worries about getting killed in the year 
2999? It isn't as though dying is forever.” 
t сап be a great inconvenience,” 
says Einstein quietly. 


“When has that ever concerned us?” 
Cleversmith says. Frowning, he glances 
around the room. “Ideally we ought to 
be unanimous on this, but at the very 
least we need a majority. It was my 
hope today that one of you would be 
willing to switch his vote.” 

“Why don't you switch yours, then?” 
Einstein says. “Or you, Pablo. You of 
all people ought to prefer to have all 
those paintings and sculptures sink un- 
harmed into the ground rather than 
have them blown sky-high.” 

Picasso grins malevolently. “What 
fallacy is this, Albert? Why should I 
give a damn about paintings and sculp- 
tures? Do you care about—what was it 
called, physics? Does our Ernest write 
little stories?” 

“Is the Pope Catholic?” Hemingway 
says. 
“Gentlemen, gentlemen” 

The dispute quickly gets out of 
hand. There is much shouting and ges- 
ticulation. Picasso yells at Einstein, who 
shrugs and jabs a finger at Clever- 
smith, who ignores what Einstein says 
to him and turns to Hemingway with 
an appeal that is met with scorn. They 
are all speaking Anglic, of course. Any- 
thing else would have been very 
strange. These men are not scholars of 
obsolete tongues. 

What they are, thinks the watching 
Vulpius, is monsters and madmen 
Something must be done about them, 
and soon. As Cleversmith says, the 
dock is pulsing ceaselessly, the millen- 
nium is coming ever nearer. 


It was on a grassy hilltop overlooking 
the ruins of sunken Istanbul that he 
first had encountered them, about a 
year and a half earlier. A broad par- 
apet placed here centuries ago for 
the benefit of tourists provided a splen- 
did view of the drowned city’s ancient 
wonders, gleaming valiantly through 
the crystalline waters of the Bosporus: 
the great upjutting spears that were 
the minarets of Hagia Sophia and the 
Mosque of Siileyman the Magnificent 
and the other great buildings of that 
sort, the myriad domes of the covered 
bazaar, the immense walls of Topkapı 
Palace. 

Ofall the submerged and partly sub- 
merged cities Vulpius had visited— 
New York, San Francisco, Tokyo, Lon- 
don and the rest—this was one of the 
loveliest. The shallow emerald waters 
that covered it could not fully conceal 
the intermingling layers upon layers of 
antiquity here, white marble and col- 
ored tile and granite slabs, Constan- 
tinople of the Byzantine emperors, 
Stamboul of the Sultans, Istanbul of 
the Industrial Age: toppled columns, 
fallen friezes, indestructible fortifica- 


tions, the vague chaotic outlines of the 
hilly city's winding streets, the shadowy 
hints of archaic foundations and walls, 
the slumping mud-engulfed ruins of 
the sprawling hotels and office build- 
ings of a much later era that itself was 
also long gone. What a density of histo- 
ry! Stand there on that flower-be- 
decked hillside he felt himself becom- 
ing one with yesterday's 7000 years. 

A mild humid breeze was blowing 
out of the hinterland to the east, bear- 
ing the pungent scent of exotic blooms 
and unidentifiable spices. Vulpius shiv- 
ered with pleasure. It was a lovely mo- 
ment, one of a great many he had 
known in a lifetime of travel. The 
world had gone through long periods 
of travail over the centuries, but now it 
was wholly a garden of delight, and 
Vulpius had spent 20 years savoring its 
multitude of marvels, with ever so 
much still ahead for him. 

He was carrying, as he always did, 
a pocket mnemone, a small quasi-or- 
ganic device, somewhat octopoid in 
form, in whose innumerable nodes and 
bumps were stored all manner of data 
that could be massaged forth by one 
who was adept in the technique. Vulpi- 
us aimed the instrument now at the 
shimmering sea below him, squeezed it 
gently. and in its soft. sighing. semisen- 
tient voice it provided him with the 
names of the half-visible structures and 
something of their functions in the 
days of the former world: This had 
been the Galata Bridge, this the castle 
of Rumeli Hisar, this the mosque of 
Mehmed the Conqueror, these were 
the scattered remnants of the great 
Byzantine imperial palace. 

"Tt tells you everything, does it?" said 
a deep voice behind him. Vulpius 
turned. A small bald-headed man, 
broad shouldered and cocky looking, 
grinned at him in a powerfully insinu- 
ating way. His obsidian eyes were like 
augers. Vulpius had never seen eyes 
like those. A second man, much taller, 
darkly handsome, smiling lazily, stood 
behind him. The little bald one point- 
ed toward the place in the water where 
six graceful minarets came thrust- 
ing upward into the air from a single 
vast building just below the surface. 
“What's that one, for instance?” 

Vulpius, who was of an obliging na- 
ture, massaged the mnemone. “The 
famous Blue Mosque,” he was told. 
“Built by the architect Mehmed Aga by 
order of Sultan Ahmed I in the 17th 
century. It was one of the largest 
mosques in the city and perhaps the 
most beautiful. It is the only one with 
six minarets.” 

“Ah,” said the small man. “A famous 
mosque. Six minarcts. What, I won- 
der, could a mosque have been? Would 
you know, Ernest?” He looked over his 


"I don't drink and I don't dance, so thi 
celebrating the new century. 


PLAYBOY 


106 


shoulder at his hulking companion, 
who merely shrugged. Then, quickly, 
to Vulpius: "But no, no, don't bother 
to find out. It's not important. Those 
things are the minarets, I take it?" He 
pointed again. Vulpius followed the 
line of the pointing hand. It seemed 
to him, just then, that the slender tow- 
ers were gently swaying, as though 
they were mere wands moving in the 
breeze. The effect was quite weird. An 
earthquake, perhaps? No, the hillside 
here was altogether steady. Some hallu- 
cination, then? He doubted that. His 
mind was as lucid as ever. 

The towers were definitely moving 
from side to side, though, whipping 
back and forth now as if jostled by a 
giant hand. The waters covering the 
flooded city began to grow agitated. 
Wavelets appeared where all had been 
calm. A huge stretch of the surface ap- 
peared almost to be boiling. The dis- 
turbance was spreading outward from 
a central vortex of churning turmoil. 
What strange kind of upheaval was go- 
ing on down there? 

Two minarets of the Blue Mosque 
tottered and fell into the water, and 
three more went down a moment lat- 
er. And the effect was still expanding. 
Vulpius, stunned, appalled, scanned 
the sunken metropolis from one side to 
the other, watching the fabled ruins 
crumble and collapse and disappear in- 
to the suddenly beclouded Bosporus. 

He became aware then of two more 
men clambering up to the observation 
parapet, where they were exuberantly 
grected by the first pair. The newcom- 
ers—one of them short, bushy-haired, 
soft-eyed, the other long and lean and 
fiercely energetic—seemed flushed, ex- 
cited, oddly exhilarated. 

Much later, it was determined that 
vandalous parties unknown had placed 
a turbulence bomb just offshore, the 
sort of device that once had been used 
to demolish the useless and ugly re- 
mains of the half-drowned urban set- 
tlements that had been left behind in 
every lowland coastal area by the teem- 
ing populace of Industrial times. A 
thing that had once been employed to 
pulverize the concrete walls and patios 
of hideous tract housing and the squat 
squalid bulks of repellent cinder-block 
factory buildings had been utilized to 
shake to flinders the fantastic fairy-tale 
towers of the great imperial capital by 
the Golden Horn. 

Vulpius had no reason to connect the 
calamity that had befallen sunken Is- 
tanbul with the presence of the four 
men on the hillside across the way. Not 
until much later did that thought en- 
ter his mind. But the event would not 
leave him: He went over and over it, 
replaying its every detail in a kind of 
chilled fascination. He was deeply un- 


settled, of course, by what he had wit- 
nessed; but at the same time he could 
not deny having felt a certain perverse 
thrill at having been present at the mo- 
ment of such a bizarre event. The shat- 
tering of the age-old city was the final 
paragraph of its long history, and he, 
Strettin Vulpius, had been on the scene 
to see it written. It was a distinction of 
asort. 

Other equally mysterious disasters 
followed in subsequent months. 

The outer wall of the Park of Extinct 
Animals was breached and many of the 
inner enclosures were opened, releas- 
ing into the wilderness nearly the en- 
tre extraordinary collection of careful- 
ly cloned beasts of yesteryear: moas, 
quaggas, giant ground sloths, dodos, 
passenger pigeons, aurochs, oryxes, 
saber-toothed cats, great auks, cahows 
and many another lost species that had 
been called back from oblivion by the 
most painstaking manipulation of fos- 
sil genetic material. Though the world 
into which they now had been so 
brusquely set loose was as close to a 
paradise as its human population could 
imagine, it was no place for most of 
these coddled and cherished creatures, 
for in their resuscitated existences at 
the Park they never had had to learn 
the knack of fending for themselves. 
All but the strongest met swift death in 
one fashion or another, some set upon 
by domestic cats and dogs, others 
drowned or lost in quagmires, a few 
killed inadvertently during attempts 
at recapturing them, many perishing 
quickly of starvation even amid the 
plenty of the garden that was the 
world, and still others expiring from 
sheer bevilderment at finding them- 
selves on their own in unfamiliar free- 
dom. The loss was incalculable; the 
best estimate was that it would take a 
hundred years of intense work to re- 
stock the collection. 

The Museum of Industrial Culture 
was attacked next. This treasury of me- 
dieval technological artifacts was only 
perfunctorily guarded, for who would 
care to steal from a place that was 
everyone's common storchouse of 
quaint and delightful objects? Society 
had long since evolved past such pa- 
thetic barbarism. All the same, a band 
of masked men broke into the build- 
ing and ransacked it thoroughly, carry- 
ing off a mountain of booty, the curi- 
ous relics of the harsh and bustling age 
that had preceded the present one: de- 
vices that had been used as crude com- 
puters, terrifying medical implements, 
machines that once had disseminat- 
ed aural and visual images, weaponry 
of various sorts, simple vision-enhanc- 
ing things worn on hooks that went 
around onc's cars, instruments used in 
long-distance communication, glass 


and ceramic cooking vessels and all 
manner of other strange and oddly 
moving detritus of that vanished day. 
None of these items was ever recov- 
ered. The suspicion arose that they had 
all gone into the hands of private hold- 
ers who had hidden them from sight, 
which would be an odd and trouble- 
some revival of the seeking and secret 
hoarding of possessions that had 
caused so much difficulty in ancient 
times. 

Then came the undermining of 
the Washington Monument, the nearly 
simultaneous aerial explosion that 
ruptured the thousands of gleaming 
windows still intact in the gigantic 
abandoned buildings marking the wa- 
tery site where Manhattan island had 
been in the days before the great 
warming, the destruction through in- 
stantaneous metal fatigue of the Great 
Singapore Tower, and the wholly unex- 
pected and highly suspicious eruption 
of Mount Vesuvius that sent new lava 
spilling down over the excavations at 
Pompeii and Herculaneum. 

By this time Vulpius, like 2 great 
many other concerned citizens the 
world over, had grown profoundly dis- 
tressed by these wanton acts of desecra- 
tion. They were so primitive, so crass, 
so horrifyingly atavistic. They negated 
all the great achievements of the third 
millennium. 

Afier all those prior centuries of war 
and greed and unthinkable human suf- 
fering, mankind had attained true civ- 
ilization at last. There was an abun- 
dance of natural resources and a 
benevolent climate from pole to pole. 
Though much of the planet had been 
covered by water during the time of 
the great warming, humanity had 
moved to higher ground and lived 
there happily in a world without win- 
ter. A stable population enjoyed long 
life and freedom from want of any 
kind. One respected all things living 
and dead, one did no harm, one went 
about one's days quietly and benign- 
ly. The traumas of previous epochs 
seemed unreal, almost mythical, now. 
Why would anyone want to disrupt the 
universal harmony and tranquility that 
had come to enfold the world here in 
the days just before the dawning of the 
31st century? 

It happened that Vulpius was in 
Rome, standing in the huge plaza in 
front of St. Peter's, when a great col- 
umn of flame sprang into the sky be- 
fore him. At first he thought it was the 
mighty basilica itself that was on fire. 
But no, the blaze seemed to be located 
to the right of the building, in the Vati- 
can complex itself. Sirens now began to 
shriek; people were running to and fro 
in the plaza. Vulpius caught at the arm 

(continued on page 251) 


on 


| LERFULUS 


ОЁ ТНЄ 


CENTUR Y 


THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF 


he nude female's silhouctte can re- 

lease and inspire a male's creative 

drive, Try it. I have. When seeking an ex- 
clusive image for the climax of my first nov- 
el, long ago, 1 happened to thumb PLAYBOY 
open at DeDe Lind's Centerfold, and—sha- 
zam!—the metaphor was suddenly there. My 
mind, entranced by DeDe's national anthem 
of a face and form, had suddenly flipped 
from the logical and boring to the creative 
and unconscious. Where magic lives. Let 
this maxim stand: Confronted by a pair of 
luscious, shapely front-end loaders, no nor- 
mal Joe can sustain rational thought for 
long. Your unconscious travels along the op- 
tic nerve, engages the sensual, and produces 
an alpha wave (text continued on page 230) 


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1. most important thing to 
understand about the future of 
the workplace is that a person 
can't have sex with a fish. I know 
what you're thinking— what about the 
blowfish? Technically, that’s not sex, be- 

cause it won't produce offspring, thanks to a little 
thing called evolution. Evolution works at such a 
leisurely pace that humans haven't had to worry 
about it much. But thanks to genetic engineer- 
ing, the pace of evolution will accelerate in the 
new millennium. And it will have a big impact on 
the workplace. I’m here to tell you how. 

In the short term, we'll see a continuation of 
the current trend of corporate frugality—until 
logical limits have been reached. Employees com- 
plain about budget cuts, but after the initial whin- 
ing they seem to adjust to anything. For example, 
cubicles got smaller every year during the Nine- 
ties. I don't think that trend will stop. I predict 
you'll see cubicles shrink to the size of your torso, 
fitting snugly around your body, so you can wear 
your cubicle to work instead of clothing. Formfit- 
ting cubicles will solve both the real estate ex- 
pense problem and the dress code debate. 

It will all be made possible by what I call the 
goggleputer. Imagine a pair of goggles with a 
built-in computer that displays three-dimension- 
al images on the lenses, creating a virtual reality 
for the user. Special headphones will provide 
mood-elevating nature sounds—such as the 


За, 


% 
о 
+ 

3 


sound of dingoes killing your 

boss. Workers with goggleputers 

will be indifferent to their physical 

environment, so management can 

house them anywhere: in ahandoned 

quarries, nuclear waste dumps, crack 
houses—wherever the rent is cheap. 

Employee motivation will be a huge challenge 
in the future. That's why I predict that each 
worker's goggleputer will be outfitted with a fan- 
tasy simulator controlled by management. When 
workers have been productive, management vill 
allow them to run virtual fantasy programs as 
their reward. I don't know what fantasy the wom- 
еп will see in their goggleputers, but I'm guessing 
it will involve pirates in torn shirts who taste like 
chocolate. I think men will see PLAYBOY Playmates 
who are inexplicably happy to see them. It will 
probably go something like this: 

Virtual Playmate: “You look so handsome, [em- 
ployee's name], wearing that cubicle. If your 
work log shows that you have been productive, 
I want to invite my bi-curious girlfriends over to 
your mansion so we can frolic in your grotto." 

Employees will never tire of fantasy-based mo- 
tivation, thanks to breakthroughs I'm predicting 
in aphrodisiac technology. Sexual stimulants will 
be released throughout the workplace in fine 
aerosol mists. Everyone will be in the mood for 
virtual loving all the time. I also expect the gap 
to widen between the (concluded on page 262) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


123 


PLAYBOY 


132 


THE FUTURE 


(continued from page 86) 
rewind right from our remotes—no 
need to record it. 
pvorak: Right now there is no reason— 
other than corruption—for umpires to 
be behind a baseball player calling balls 
and strikes when a computer can do it 
more accurately. Officiating technolo- 
gies will be implemented after one too 
many bad calls forces change. As for 
entertainment, many actors will be re- 
placed by realistic computer images. 
Nonexistent people will have fan clubs. 
Online entertainment will continue to 
grow and become a primary form of 
entertainment for everyone. 

LEA: Consumers will have interactive, 
highly personalized TV and web con- 
tent delivered to their homes. Broad- 
cast TV will alter radically as television 
sets become smart enough to mix and 
match content sourced from tradition- 
al broadcasters, in-home storage de- 
vices and the web to provide personal- 
ized TV. Traditional sports will lose 
popularity as consumers increasingly 
stay home for their entertainment or 
participate in virtual shared sports via 
their TVs. Both trends will manifest 
themselves in a population that is more 
and more fractionalized, lacking the 
major broadcast or sports events to 
provide a common theme. This will 
have profound effects on the notion of 
society and community within Ameri- 
ca. In the middle to late 21st century a 
backlash against this trend will occur, 
driven partly by the human desire to 
socialize and partly by technology 
changes that will lead society into a 
more community-oriented model. Such 
a move will result in sports and enter- 
tainment returning to their roots as so- 
cial events, albeit with far more techno- 
logical support. 

ROGERS: No teams or leagues have ever 
survived 300 years. The games ve know 
will disappear over the next 1000 years 
and be replaced with new concepts. 
BARLOW: We won't watch the quarter- 
back. We will be the quarterback (or 
whatever the equivalent becomes). Al- 
so, humans have always liked to scare 
the shit out of themselves. Adrenaline 
is one of our favorite drugs. Through 
advances in engineering we will get 
better and better at approaching and 
perhaps even crossing the precipice of 
death without actually dying. This will 
be important since genetic redesign 
will make death harder and harder to 
achieve naturally. 

GIBSON: Entertainment vill be even 
more like politics than it is now. 


POLITICS AND GOVERNMENT 


NEGROPONTE: Today, countries tend to 
be the wrong size. They arc too small to 


be global and too big to be local. In the 
future, governance will be both bigger 
and smaller, attending to the well-be- 
ing of the planet in tandem with local 
and cultural needs. In the next millen- 
nium, the nation-state as we know it 
will be far less meaningful. Nationalism 
will need to disappear. 

Joy: The Internet will increasingly 
Cause major functions of society to be 
performed by self-organized communi- 
ties unconstrained by physical geogra- 
phies. These communities will evolve 
new forms of democratic action on 
both small and medium scales. As tech- 
nology increases the abundance of ma 

terial goods, the Net will also act as a 
strong force to deconstruct centralized 
government, which should devolve to 
be a simpler guarantor of basic liberties 
and principles such as equality of op- 
portunity, and to thereby protect us 
from the excesses of global capitalism. 

CELENTE: А third-party movement, 
combining progressive economic and 
social philosophies with laissez-faire 
libertarian approaches to personal pri- 
vacy and forcign policy, will gather 
steam and overtake obsolete Repub- 
lican and Democratic machines. The 
U.S. government will become more de- 
mocratized as the Internet brings the 
town hall, the state capital and Wash- 
ington into the public’s living rooms. 
Rather than put their future in the 
hands of politicians, people will vote in 
elections and will cast their votes on 
specific issues. 

ozzE: Decisions will be influenced, for- 
mally or informally, by electronically 
assisted referenda. Strife will continue 
to occur due to enormous gaps in pros- 
perity between developed and devel- 
oping countries, and among the ranks 
of citizens within any given region. 
Because of biomedical advances and 
lengthening life spans, age will be as 
significant a societal issue as any en- 
countered in America during this cen- 
tury. Religious institutions and govern- 
ments worldwide will be forced to 
confront the moral, ethical and le- 
gal consequences of advances in the 
biomedical sciences, as the question 
“Can we?” becomes “Should we?” over 
and over again. 

влкгом: Governance will replace gov- 
ernment. In a world where everything 
and everybody is connected to all else 
and other, we will respond to problems 
as organically as the body (or, for that 
matter, a beehive) responds to damage, 
automatically rushing the appropriate 
resources to the point of injury. This 
will be done on a self-organizing basis, 
as it is in nature, and indeed as it al- 
ready is in society to a greater extent 
than we recognize. Things will get 
weird, and yet some essential qualities 
of the human condition may remain, 


particularly the eternal struggle be- 
tween the seven deadly sins and the 
three graces. 
SCULLEY: Government as we have 
known it is an anachronism. One can 
only hope that the old institutions 
that have been until now immune to 
change (e.g., schools, 185, health ser- 
vices and other bureaucracies) will give 
way to innovators and entrepreneurs. 
Today's political organizations will be- 
come increasingly irrelevant, with 
Generation Y inventing entirely new 
ways to create communities of interest 
and support for solutions to societal 
challenges. 
POPCORN: We'll vote at ATMs, through 
e-mail, on the TV screen—anywhere 
but at the polls. Our voyeuristic fasci- 
nation with the private lives of poli- 
ucians will be taken to new heights: 
Nothing will be off-limits. Imagine 
MTV’s The Real World, but with a cast 
of politicians, interns and staffers. 
More and more, Hollywood and gov- 
ernment will blur. If Jesse Ventura can 
be governor, imagine who could be 
president! (We're predicting a Hispan- 
ic female in the White House in the 
early 2000s.) 
Dvorak: Online voting will happen. $e- 
rious experiments will begin by 2015, 
and it won't be considered unusual by 
2030. In some ways today’s politics, 
which are poll dependent, are operat- 
ed this way. Unfortunately, this idea 
does nothing to encourage the old- 
fashioned ideal of leadership. It's in- 
stead a true democracy and essential- 
ly leaderless. The cynics will see it as 
mobocracy. In fact it will result in new 
kinds of leadership in which opinion 
makers and propagandists will be the 
true leaders, as they will sway the real- 
time voters. 
LEA: The growing trend toward single- 
issue politics will drive government in 
the next few decades. This will accel- 
erate as global communications allow 
pressure groups to rapidly form to 
promote issues. On the positive side, 
voters will have a more direct influence 
on government. But this vill be offset 
by the stagnation that such politics 
causes. The reemerging megacorpo- 
rations will come to dominate politics 
and government in the latter part of 
the century and will replace nation- 
states by attracting the allegiance of 
their workers. These megacorpora- 
tions, because they transcend physi- 
cal boundaries, will cause a blurring of 
nations and will effectively become 
the constituents in a de facto global 
government. 
ROGERS: I doubt Plato's basic four types 
ofgovernment will change significantly 
over the next millennium, since they 
have changed little over the past 3000 
(continued on page 237) 


133 


got it right!” 


“This time I’m sure Гое 


134 


om-O-Roma! 


an intrepid friend 
toured the tomorrowland 
of sex and returned a 


happier man 


article By AL FRANKEN 


he moment rıaysoy told me I could tackle 

any subject for its millennium issue, I imme- 

diately chose pornography. Now, you may 

assume that I picked pornography because 
I believe ғглувоу is pornography. Far from it. PLAYBOY 
is erotica. 

Indeed, if плувоу were pornography, Hugh Hefner 
would be a pornographer, which he most definitely is 
not. Hugh Hefner is a sensualist. Larry Flynt is a por- 
nographer. And when I say that, I don’t necessarily 
mean it as a pejorative. (Although I have to admit feeling 
a little uncomfortable when Flynt and I were on the 
same side during the Clinton—Lewinsky scandal. So I did 
some research, and it turns out that Larry Flynt has 
done some positive things. For example, thanks to Flynt, 
every sex shop in California is required to have a wheel- 
chair access ramp.) 

Now you may be asking: What exactly is the difference 
between erotic (pLavsoy) and pornographic (Hustler, Big 
Butt, Barely Legal)? Thanks to research at the Institute for 
Pornographic Studies in Northridge, California, scientif- 
ic techniques have been applied to the study of pornog- 
raphy so that such distinctions can be drawn on a totally 
quantifiable basis. 

For example, in addition to pictures of lovely young 
nude women in various come-hither poses, ғ.луноу of- 
fers humor, helpful lifestyle information and journalism 
(such as this piece). While Hustler also provides these 
alternatives to mere pulchritude, it is the balance as 
measured by researchers at IPS that makes pLayBov erot- 
ica and Hustler pornography. (concluded on page 200) 


ILLUSTRATION EY ARNOLD ROTH 


№ | El 


ue P». | 
MES а \ 
DC PE ша ^ 
ОСЫ 
x ber о X 
: м = 46 = 
AQ N 
2 


GREATEST MOMENTS 
IN SPORTS 


Colts beat Gionts in sudden deoth, 1958 


CIGARS 


MOMENTS TO SAVOR ДЖО Mirach ся е i e THONGS 
ordor's sixth chompionship 
LINDBERGH'S FLIGHT Thrill in Monila Ба к ONTROES P 
JAPANESE SURRENDER ON | Ruth colls his shot ONE ВЕБ!" 3 
THE MISSOURI Seqetariot 
JACKIE ROBINSON SIGNS @ Jack Johnson beats Jim Jeffries 
WITH THE DODGERS Jesse Owens wins four gold medals 
THE "I HAVE A DREAM” Corton Fisk's homer captures greatest 
SPEECH World Series game ever played Gillette Mach 3 | 
THE MOON LANDING Bobby Thomson's homer seals Gionts’ 2: Cordless power sc 
MANDELA GOES FREE great comeback rowave > Blow job 
THE BERLIN WALL COMES | The Packers-Cowboys ke Bowl game 
DOWN The Flutie-Kosar college game 


Iam not a crook. Carnation Chocolate 


I was out chipping golf Instant Breakfast 
balls in the driveway. Kudos bars a ^ 

Read my lips—no Granola bars —_AJ ACTORS WHO HIT THE MARK 
new taxes. Pop Tarts Tiny Stewart 

Inever had sex with that Froot Loops Robert De Niro 
woman. Сарп Crunch Marlon Brando 

Iwas only following Tang 


Spencer Tracy 
Dustin Hoffman 
Jack Nicholson 
Humphrey Bogart 
Ed Norton 

Kevin Spacey 
Anthony Hopkins 


ENDURING | ICONS 


Budweiser 


John Wayne's cowboy hat 
Sinatra's snap-brim hat 
DiMaggio's Yankees uniform 
Edward В. Murrow's trench coat 
Allen Ginsberg's 
Uncle Sam hat 
Eldridge 
Cleaver's 
leather jacket 
Kojak's head 


ТОР ELEVEN GUY, 
ГС. 7 
MOVIES WITH 
GR 
GRE "EAT PLOTS) 
Blade Runner 
Bridge on the River Kwai 
Usual Suspects 
Maltese Falcon (Sydney Green- 
street, Peter Lorre—character ac- 
tors who make old movies better 
than new movies) 
Unforgiven 
Godíather I and II (The best movie 
of all time? Sure. We just can't de- 
cide which 
installment.) 


Goldfinger 
Pulp Fiction 
Chinatown 


Beaver coats 
Toot suits 

Spots 

Rass Perot 

Bull Moose Party 
Cunnilingus 


NEVER CAUGHT ON 


Communal living 

League of Nations 

Quadraphonic sound 

Zeppelins 

The Great Society 

Spruce Goose 

Smaller government 

Journalistic ethics 

Right to privacy 

American soccer 

Heaven's Gate (movie and cult) 

World music 

Betamax 

Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity 
Sphere 

Oxygen bars 

Mini-CDs 


Couples by John Updike 
things we wish had SEX TERNS T 


Andrew Lloyd Webber 


Deep Throat 
Behind the Green Door 
Talk Dirty to Me 
Night Trips 
Chameleons, Not the Sequel 
Buttman Goes to Río 
Zazel (more fun with paints 
than that Robin Williams- 
goes-to-heaven flick) 
Insatiable 
The Masseuse 
The Opening of Misty Beethoven 
Debbie Does Dallas 
The Devil in Miss Jones (Georgina 
Spelvin—not too foxy but funky 
as hell) 


albums to by 
PORTISHEA0—Dummy * PATSY CLINE—Greatest Hits = 
MARVIN GAYE—Let’s Get It On * FRANK SINATRA— 
The Capitol Years • BOB MARLEY—Exodus + 
PRINCE—Sign 0' the Times * PRIMAL SCREAM— 
Screamadelica * OINAH WASHINGTON—For Those іп 
Love * VAN MORRISON—Moondance * NAT KING 
COLE—The Nat King Cole Story * SADE—Love Deluxe 
+ WILLIE NELSON—Stardust • ROXY MUSIC —Avalon 


ST LITERARY SMUT 


Women ín Love by D.H. Lawrence Ulysses by James Joyce 

Ada by Vladimir Nabokov Thy Neighbor's Wife by Gay Talese 
Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller An American Dream by Norman Mailer 
Sophie’s Choice by William Styron. Story of O by Pauline Reage 


Princess Daisy by Judith Krantz 


| ШТ DISAPPEAR 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
ARNY FREYTAG 


| arlene Bernaola is 

scanning her date 
# | b book, shaking her 
) | head at page after 

page of appoint- 
Р ments. “1 am so 
busy,” she says with a grin, 
`1 have no life.” She's sell- 
ing herself short: At the 
age of 23, Darlene and her 
twin sister, Carol, have led 
extraordinary lives. From 
the jungles of Peru to the 
beaches of Miami to the 
pages of PLAYBOY, they've 
overcome poverty, isola- 
tion, terrorism, language 
barriers and physical ca- 
lamity to become our first 
Playmates of the new mil- 
lennium. Now the twins 
are enjoying the whirlwind 
and taking pride in the 
drive and determination 
that got them here. "After 
the lives we've led, with all 
the hard work, everything 
has paid off," says Carol. 

This is our dream." 

Q: You were born in Los 
Angeles, but raised іп- 
CAROL: Chanchamayo, Vi- 
Ila Rica, Peru 
DARLENE: In the jungle. 
Сасы И was a little town 
There was one phone booth 
where everybody had to 
make calls. It was an area 
that had been settled by 
people flecing World War 
П, so in one town there 
were nothing but German 
people, the next town 
would be all Yugoslavian, 
the next town Spanish. 
Q: What did you do there 
for entertainment? 
CAROL: You could play with 
the monkeys, hang from 
vines, climb trees and eat 
the fruit at the top, go to 
the river or the lake, fish, 
hunt, ride horses. 
Q: Why did you leave? 


"There's a beot in the street 
in Miami," says Carol (left, 
on her bike). "I would never 
live anywhere else. It's where 
my mom and my friends are, 
where the sun is.” Ви! the 
Bernaola sisters don't take 
their new surroundings (in- 
cluding the motorcycles ой 
left gifts from Kawasaki) for 
granted. "What are the odds,” 
asks Coral, “of someone with 
our bockground ending up 
here and getting this kind of 
chance in life?” 


DARLENE: Terrorism, 
AROL: Peru had a revolu- 
i ind we fled because 
at. It was too danger 
ous. So our mom sent us to 
Miami to start a ncw life. 
We were 16-year-olds, оп 
our own, didn't know the 
language. We were scared 
Our first job was at Mc- 
Donald's. I was a dish- 
washer, and Darlene was a 
cleaner. Until they promot- 
ed us to the drive-through 
DARLENE: [Laughs] We were 

that good. 

CAROL: She would take the 
money at one window and 
Га give them their food at 
the next window, and peo- 
ple would say, "You're so 
fast!" Га No, that was 
my sister." But we have had 

a lot of different jobs 
at brought you to 


caror: My husband owns a 
nightclub in Miami, and he 
was hosting a party for 
the Playmate 2000 search. 

omeone said to him, 

Why don't you tell Carol 
to try out?” PLAYBOY West 
Coast Photo Editor Mari- 
lyn Grahowski saw me and 
said, “I'm going to make 
you rich and famous." And 
I thought, Wow, I didn't 
even have to take off my 
clothes! When I said I had 
a twin sister, she flipped. 
DARLENE: But I couldn't do 
anything at the time—1 
was paralyzed. I was in an 
auto accident the day be- 
fore I was supposed to get 
married. My fiancé passed 
away, and I was paralyzed. 
I broke my pelvis in two 

my left hand in 20 

he doctor told me 

it was going to take a year 

to recuperate and another 

year to learn how to walk 

again. But I started walk- 
ing three months later. 

: And now you're repre- 
senting Latin women in 
PLAYBOY 
CAROL: It's an honor to be 
Latin. 

DARLENE: I'm proud to be 
Latin and to be American. 
CAROL: Now is the time to 
recognize our differenc- 
es. The year 2000 is not 
about whether you are 
white, black, yellow, brow 
or blue. It's about a mix 
of cultures. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


name; Carol and DARLENE BERNAOLA 
208 МАІЅТ: ad HIPS: 3 ч 
moan У A" wam: am 


IO 
BIRTH рате: 06] 23] 36. smrce: Los Angeles - 


— № 


bein по. ©, бы Бок Ae 
TURN-ONS: INTELLIGENCE , ROMANCE, honesty 
ana Couga де. 
тонове: СФ NORANCE ‚LACK OF CLASS, LIES 
ana Weah personalities. 
OUR HEROINE: еуел Weve ا‎ ET Охе. 
Xo eue best leac - 
leader, Out Mel oc 7 Mon с, Ms TM 
THE LESSON WE'VE LEARNED: ЕЕ. % мел ы 6 NOO 


ME UE] nx 


ERR + Dorlene По ЕНЕ ond Соғо/5 
aves ine best Do you Enjoy o3ndt Birinday Bash 
Times Togeinen 


you see 1 \\. PARTY /1 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Prince Charming walked dejectedly into a 
ern. The bartender asked what the problem 
“I was riding through the Enchanted For- 
est.” the prince began, “when suddenly 1 saw 
Snow White fast asleep on a bed of straw. ‘The 
dwarf next to her told me that she had caten 
a poisonous apple and could only be revived 
by a kiss from me. 1 gave her a peck on the 
ек. Nothing. So I gave her a real deep Kiss 
while running my fingers through her hair. 
Nothing. So I started making passionate love 
10 her right there in the woods. Suddenly, she 
moaned, Оһ yes, ohhh yes 
"That's great!” the bartender replied. “Then 
she's alive?” 
Nah," the prince said, 
shrugging, "she was fak- 
ing it." 


Do you know how 
many Vietnam vets it 
takes to screw in a light- 
bulb? No? Well, 1 guess 
you weren't fucking there! 


Harry Moses Abramovitz want- 
ed to join the Greenvale Coun- 
try Club, a place known not to 
admit Jews. First, Harry went 
tocourt and had his name 
changed to Howard Trevelyan 
Frobisher. After that, he flew to 
a plastic surgeon in Sw 
who transformed his Semitic pro- 
file into a Nordic onc. Next, he 
hired an elocution tutor from 
England to teach him to spcak ¡ | 
like a native Brit. And finally, |ı 
Harry worked his way into he |, 
graces of several well-estab- 
lished members of the Green- 

vale Country Club. 

Two years after embark- 
ing on his project, Howard 
Frobisher appeared before 
the membership committee. 
"Please state your name," the 
chairman said. 

In a clipped Oxfordian accent, Harry re- 

plied, “I'm Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.” 
“And, tell us, where were you educated, Mr. 
Frobisher?" 
“Eton and Oxford.” 
‘The chairman beamed 


“And what is your 


Bumper sticker of the month: му INFERIORITY 
COMPLEX 15 NOT AS GOOD AS YOURS. 


s were sitting in e lunchroom p 
elementary school 

2° one said. “Mommy's getting та 
again, so ГЇЇ have a new daddy.” 
"Really?" said the other girl 
ng?" 
Winston James, the famous director. 
“Oh, you'll like him,” her friend exclaimed, 
“He was my daddy last year.” 


“Who's she 


- A 


A plane 


flying over the Atlantic when an 
armed hijacker burst through the cockpit 
door, startling the pilot, co-pilot, navigator and 
a flight attendant. Не held а gun to the pilot's 
head and shouted, "Take this plane to Iraq or 
Fil shoot you." 

The pilot pushed the man's gun aside. 
“Look here, buddy," he said, "if you shoot me, 
this plane will crash and you'll die along with 
the rest of us." 

‘The hijacker then turned the gun to the co- 
pilots head. “Take this plane to Iraq or ГЇЇ 
shoot you. 

But the co-pilot also calmly pushed the gun 
aside. “Listen, pal, the pilot's 

got a bad heart, and if you 
shoot me, he could keel 
over from shock. This 
plane vill still crash and 
you'll die along with the 

rest of u: 

The hijacker turned to 
the navigator. “АЙ right, 
take this plane to Iraq ог 

TI shoot you." 
ж. ош me here, those 
guys won't know where they're 
flying," he said. "So if you 
shoot me, this ріш e will sull 
crash and you'll die along 

with the rest of u: 

The hijacker turned to the 
flight attendant. “Take this 
plane to Irag or I'll shoot 
you.” She whispered some- 
thing into the hijacker's ear. 

He dropped his gun and 
ran out of the cockpitin a 
panic. The captain asked 
what she had said. “1 told 

him that if he killed me, 

he'd be the one who 
, would have to give 
you guys blow jobs.” 


The young Scotsman 
went t0 study at an Eng- 
lish university and was 
ing in a residence hall 
with other students. After 
he had been there a month, his mother came 
to visit him. “How do you find the English stu- 
dents, Donald?" she asked 

"Mother," he replied, “they're such noisy 
people. The one on that side keeps banging his 
head on the wall and the one on the other side 
screams all night.” 

“How do you manage to put up with such 
noisy neighbors: 

“T ignore the: 
own business, play 


he said. “I just mind my 
ng my bagpipes.” 


Why does a blonde kecp empty beer boules in 
her fridge? They're for nondrinkers. 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Clinton got it right. Spend the surplus on a millennium 
party for everybody!” 


153 


CITIES on 
the MOON 


OUR CRANKY 
SEER TELLS 
HOW TO MAKE 
THE NEXT 
CENTURY A 
BETTER ONE 


OPINION BY 


RAY BRADBURY 


lé "m mad as hell 


and I’m not going to take it any- 
more! Forgive my borrowing Peter 
Finch's cry in Network. But I am 
mad as hell. Because on December 
31, 1999 a mob of gullible freaks 
will douse their tonsils and jubi- 
late their bods shouting, "Happy 
21st century!” 
A half billion champagne cock- 
tails will drown those dimwits 
cramming hotels in Paris, New 
York and Las Vegas to speed the 
new millennium, their wives ripe 
with the first 21st century babes. 
Damn! 
I've preached to the maniac os- 
triches all ycar. But, heads sunk in 
millennial sand, they pop more 
corks and bake more embryos. 
Now hear this: 
Stash the confetti. Recoil the 
ticker tape. Eiffel Tower, kill those 
mile-high numbers counting down 
to 2000. Millennial Santa just 
crashed with an empty sack. 
And while you caution your ea- 
ger embryo to tread water another 
year, (continued on page 168) 


Жа 


СЕ 


¥ 
E: 
B 


Ву Hollis Wayne 


MIDNIGHT AT THE 
MILLENNIUM— 
LAST CHANCE 

TO GET IT RIGHT 


he pressure of millen- 

nial madness. What to 

wear? You don't need 

reminding: It’s your 
last chance this century to get 
it right. But here’s the good 
news. All the rules have 
changed. When the invite says 
black tie optional, you can 
chuck the penguin suit. Go 
for a nighttime look that’s ele- 
gant and sharp. Try a velvet 
jacket with а monochromatic 
shirt. Work in a tie as a catchy 
accessory. Dress down a tux- 
edo with a T-shirt and 21st 
century sneakers. Don't forget. 
to unbutton your collar. Show 
some chest. Nothing's sexier 
than an unbuttoned ruffled 
shirt. It's so Prince. 


He's toasting the future in a 
three-button wool suit by 
Nicole Farhi ($970) and 
leather belt by Gene Meyer 
($80). She's effervescent in a 
siik gown by Robert Danes 
and shoes by Stuart Weitz- 
man. OPPOSITE: He's in a 
three-button tie-dyed velvet 
tuxedo jacket by Fiorella 
Venezia ($1295), comple- 
mented by a sheer T-shirt by 
Dolce & Gabbana ($160) and 
wool stretch pants by Verri 
($245). On the blonde honeys: 
a black and gold dress by 
Marc Bower and a lavender 
dress by Robert Danes. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHUCK BAKER 


Lost time the clock turned over three zeros the guys wore sewn 
hides and celebrated with fermented goat's milk. This millenni- 
um even the Piper-Heidsieck champagne is dressed by Jean- 
Paul Gaultier ($100). FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: The keeper of the bub- 
bly needs с special look—in this cose, а two-bution velvet jacket 
and shantung pants by Joseph Abboud ($850 and $265), shirt 
by Donna Karan ($165) and tie by Best of the Closs by Robert 
Talbott ($110). The monkey in the middle is wearing a velvet 
five-button jacket with stand-up collar by Krizia Uomo ($1050) 
and tuxedo pants by Dolce & Gabbana ($435). Slash has on a 
four-bution tux by Dolce & Gabbana (51540). The shirt is a cot- 
ton and spandex blend by Gene Meyer ($170). The top hat is by 
New York Hat Co. ($70). 


HAIR BY RHEANNE WHITE FOR ARTISTS. 
MAKEUP BY HELENE MACAULAY FOR ARTISTS 


Forget glasses. Let's party like it's $19.99. Mr. Lucky watches his 
stock rise in a three-button tuxedo by Verri ($1375), shirt by 
Gene Meyer (5125) and tie by Mondo di Marco (560). She's pre- 
viewing the ceiling in a patchwork chiffon gown by Roberto 
Cavalli and necklace by Dorrie Gilbert. 


British mod-and-roll lives 
in a velvet five-button 
jacket with Nebru collar 
($960) and matching flat- 
front trousers ($330) by 
Paul Smith, shirt by Donna 
Karan ($165) and tie by 
Mondo di Marco ($60). 


| She's riding sidesaddle in 


а beaded velvet gown by 
Carmen Marc Valvo. 


we 


He's drifting lipward in а 
velvet three-button jacket 
(5970) and matching flat- 

front pants ($310) by 

Krizia Uomo and an em- 
broidered shirt by Dolce & 

Gabbana ($950). Her dress 
by Robert Danes, suede 
bracelet by Dorrie Gilbert. 


WOMEN'S STYLING BY KATHY KALAFUT- 
FOR PERRELLA MANAGEMENT INC. 


WHERE HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 248. 


162 


when folks get together in a bar, 
what's there to talk about but sex? 


> he Draco Tavern isn't just a 

» pub. It's how and where hu- 

manity interacts with at least 

28 sapient species through- 

| ош the galaxy. Somewhere 

` among these trillions of 

alien minds are the answers to all ofthe 
universal questions. 

So it's worth the expense, but costs 
are high. Keeping supplies in hand 
grows more difficult every time a new 
species appears. And Siberian weather 
tears the Draco Tavern down as fast as 
we can rebuild it. 

When a year passed without a chirp- 
sithra ship, we were glad for the respite. 
The tavern got some repairs. 1 got sev- 
eral months of vacation in Wyoming 
and Tahiti. Then that tremendous 
chirpsithra soap bubble drifted inward 
from near the Moon, and landers 
flowed down along the Earth's magnet- 
ic lines to Mount Forel in Siberia. 

For four days and nights thc Draco 
Tavern was very busy. 

On the fifth morning, way too early, 
124 individuals of ten species boarded 
the landers and were gone. 

The next day both Gail and Herman 
called in sick. I didn't get in until mid- 
afternoon, alone on duty апа fighting 
a dull headache. 


We weren't crowded. The security 
programs had let the few customers in 


and powered up various life-support 
systems. All of them were gathered 
around one of our biggest tables. Eight 
individuals, five—make it four—spe- 
des, including a woman. 

I'd never seen her before. She was 
dressed in a short-skirted Italian or 
American business suit. Late 20s. Olive 
Arabic features. Nose like a blade, eyes 
like a hawk. I thought she was trying 
to look professionally severe. She was 
stunning. 

The average citizen, human or oth- 
erwise, never reaches the Draco Tav- 
ern. To get here this woman must have 
been approved by her own govern- 
ment, then by the current UN psychi- 
atric programs, Free Siberia and sev- 
eral other political entities. She'd be 
some variety of biologist. It’s the most 
common credential. 

Old habit pulled my eyes away. The 
way I was feeling, I wasn't exactly on 
the make, and I didn't need to wonder 
what a human would cat, drink or 
breathe. Tee tee hatch nex ool, her chirp- 
sithra life-support code was the same as 
mine. My concern was with the aliens. 

I recognized the contours of a lone 
Wahartht from news coverage. They're 
hexapods with six greatly exaggerat- 
ed hands, from a world that must be 
all winds. They'd gone up Kilimanjaro 
in competition with an Olympic climb- 
ing team. Traveling Waharthts are 
supposed to be all male. This one had 


fiction By Larry Niven 


PAINTING BY JAMES WARHOLA 


PLAYBOY 


164 


turned a high-back chair around and 
was clinging to it, looking quite com- 
fortable. He was wearing a breather. 

The three Folk had been living in the 
Kalahari, hunting with the natives 
They looked lean and hungry. That 
was good. When they look like Cujo es- 
caped from Belsen with his head on 
upside down, they're mean and raven- 
ous and not good bar company. 

Gray Mourners are new to Earth. 
They're spidery creatures, with narrow 
torsos and ten long limbs that require 
lots of room, and big heads that are 
mostly mouth. I'd at first taken them 
for wo species; the sexual disparity is 
that great. Two males and a female; the 
little ones were males, if that protru- 
sion was what I thought it was. 

In this gathering of species all seemed 
to be getting along. You do have to 
watch that in my line of business. 

As I stepped into the privacy bubble 
the woman was saying, "Men mate with 
anything —" and then she sensed me 
there and turned, flushing. 

“Welcome,” I said, leuing the trans- 
lator program handle the details of for- 
mality. “Whatever you need for com- 
fort, we may conceivably have it. Ask 
me. Folk, 1 know your need.” 

One of the Folk (I'd hunted with 
these and still never learned to tell 
their gender) said, “Greetings, Rick 
You will join us? We would drink bouil- 
lon or glacier water. We know you 
don't keep live prey.” 

1 grinned and said, “Whatever you 
see may be a customer” I turned to the 
woman. 

She said, “I'm Jehaneh Miller.” 

“I'm Rick Schumann. I run this 
place. Miller?” 

“My mother was American.” So was 
her accent. Briskly she continued, “We 
were talking about sex. I was saying 
that men make billions of sperm, wom- 
en make scores of eggs. Men mate with 
anything, women are choosy.” She 
spoke as if in challenge, but she was 
definitely blushing. 

“1 follow. There's more to be said on 
that topic. What are you drinking?" 

“Screwdriver, light.” 

“Like hers,” the Wahartht said. 
Aliens rarely order alcoholic drinks 
twice, but some just have to try it. 

The female Gray Mourner asked, 
“Did our supplies arrive?” 

They had. I went back to the bar. 

Beef bouillon and glacier water for 
the Folk. Screwdrivers, light, for the 
woman and the Wahartht, but first 1 
checked my database to be sure a Wa- 
hartht could digest orange juice. 1 
made one for myself, for the raspy 
throat. 

The Gray Mourners were cating 
stuff Га never seen until that after- 
noon, an orange mash that arrived fro- 


zen. Tang sherbet? 

1 assembled it all quickly. I wanted to 
hear what they were saying. A great 
many aliens had left Earth very sud- 
denly, and I hoped for a hint as to why. 

And, given the conversational bent, 1 
might learn something about Jehaneh 
Miller. 

As I set down the drinks the Wa- 
hartht was saying, "Our childbearers 
cannot leave their forests, cannot bear 
change of smells and shading and diet, 
nor free fall nor biorhythm upset. We 
can never possess much of our own 
planet, let alone others. The females 
send us forth and wait for us to bring 
back stories." 

A Folk said, "You travelers are all 
male. Do you live without sex?” 

The Wahartht jumped; he tapped 
his translator. ““Survive without im- 
pregnation activity? Was that accurate- 
ly your question? 


бұ, 


“Without scent and sonic cues, we 
never miss it.” 

Jehaneh nodded and said to me, 
“Most life-forms, the mating action is 
wired in.” To the Wahartht, “Does that 
hold for sapient species too?” 

The Wahartht said, “Impregnation is 
a reflex to us. Our minds almost do not 
participate. Away from our females, we 
take a tranquilizing biochemical to in- 
hibit a sometimes suicidal rage. 

1 said, "I'm not surprised.” 

“But what should 1 miss? 

A Gray Mourner male cried out, “To 
return from orgasmic joy and be still 
alive!” 

“The other male chimed in. “Yes, Wa- 
jee! It always feels like we're getting 
away with something.” I grinned be- 
cause I agreed, but he was saying, “We 
think this began our civilization. Spe- 
cies like ours, female eats male just af- 
ter he takes his generative pellet.” 

I think I flinched. The woman Jeha- 
neh didn't. She cogitated, then asked, 
“What if you shove a beefsteak in her 
mouth? 

They're not insects, 1 wanted to say. 
Aliens! But nobody took offense. All 
three Gray Mourners chiuered in, I as- 
sumed, laughter. 

Wajee said, “Easy to say! No male can 
think of such a thing when giving gen- 
erative pellet. Like design and build a 
parachute while riding hurricane! But 
what if two males? One male have sex. 
The other male, he put turkey in Sfil- 
lirrath's mouth.” 

Jehaneh jumped. “A whole turkey?” 

“The female smiled widely. Yike! Her 
jaw hinges disjointed like a snake's. 
Sfillirrath was twice the mass of either 
male, and her smile could have en- 
gulfed my head and shoulders too. 

She said, “On Earth, a turkey or dog 
will serve. Taste wrong, even if feed 


spices to the animal, but size is right 
Size of Wajee's head, or Shkatht's head. 
See you the advantage? Can have sex 
twice with the same male! Get beter 
with practice, yes, Shkatht?" 

"Almost get it right," Shkatht said 
complacently. “Next time for sure.” 

Wajee said, “Got to get one part right 
every time.” 

They chittered laughter. Wajee said. 
"Accident can happen. Turkey can es- 
cape. Resting male can be distracted, 
or remember old offense and not move 
quick." 

Sfillirrath said, "But sce antiadvan- 
tage? Males don't die. Too many males. 
Soon every female must have many 
mates, or else rogue males tear down 
cities. 

Wajee said, “Mating frequency rises 
too. Too many mouths. Must invent 
herding." 

"Herd, then tend crop to feed herd 
"Then cities and factories. Then barrier 
bag over placer tube," Sfillirrath said, 
"so don't make a clutch of infants су- 
ery curse time! Now we mate without 
mating, but need cities to support fac- 
tories to make barrier bags, laws and 
lawmakers to enforce use. Control air 
and water flow, cycle waste, spacecraft 
to moons for raw resources, first con- 
tact with chirpsithra, beg ride to see the 
universe and here are we. Alll for a per- 
version of nature.” 

Jehanch asked the Folk, "How do 
you keep your numbers in bounds?” 

“Breed more dangerous prey,” one 
answered. 

The female Gray Mourner asked, 
“How do human beings pervert sex 
practice?” 

I asked the woman, "Shall 1 take 
this?" She gestured, Go. 

I suppose I shaded the truth a bit to- 
ward what she might want to hear. 
"What Jehaneh sai "t all true. Most 
of us don't mate with anything but 
adults of the other gender. Most men 
know that most women want one mate. 
Most women know thatany man can be 
seduced. We make bargains and prom- 
ises and contracts, We compromise. To 
go against human nature is the most 
human thing a human being can do." 

The Folk all laughed. Jehaneh was 
watching me. I said, "We're a young 
species. Їп an older species the sexual 
reflexes would be hardwired." I wasn't 
sure that would translate, but none of 
the devices paused. Any space traveler 
uses computers. "But with us, sex in- 
volves the mind. We're versatile." 

“We have barrier bags too," Jehaneh 
said. A moment's eye contact condoms, 
of course, and had I caught the reference? 1 
flashed a smirk. 

Still, I wouldn't be needing a barrier 
bag tonight. The rasp at the back of my 

(continued on page 226) 


“The Count's a sweetie at holiday time, but the rest of the year he sucks.” 


166 


Will Women Change? 


s the roles of men and wom- 

en in society evolve, rela- 

tionships between the sexes 

change as well. The libera- 
tion of women in the 20th century is a 
prelude to more significant shifts in 
the future. 

This trend does not mean that tradi- 
tional male and female characteristics 
will disappear. In general, women will 
still be more nurturing than men, and 
men will be more competitive. Men 
will want to fix a problem rather than 
just listen sympathetically, and wom- 
en will want to share their feelings 
regardless of how disinterested their 
men may be. 

While much of what we are is wired 
into us, many of our actions are moti- 
vated not by basic instinct but rather 
by the times in which we live. As the 
Wild West was tamed, the role of men 
in our society went from protectors 
and providers to simply providers. 
The pioneer man of 18th century 
America became the rugged, individ- 
ualistic male of the 19th century. In 
the 20th century, his role evolved into 
the working man: the Father Knows 
Best guy who left for work early and 
came home late. The ideal man was 
greeted after a long day with a kiss 
from his wife, slippers from his daugh- 
ter and the sports section of the news- 
paper from his son (or dog). 

This man, like many of our fathers, 
stayed in the same job for 30 years and 
was completely perplexed by his wife 
whenever she lamented that “some- 
thing was missing." How could that 
be? He was the man his father told 
him to be, the man the world expected 
of him: He was a good provider. Then, 
millions of women began to enter the 
workforce in the Seventies (some in 
search of a better standard of living, 
some pursuing their own career goals) 
and the role of the male as provider 
began to change again. 

In 50 years we have witnessed a re- 
markable transformation in females— 
from the sexually frustrated woman 
portrayed in Pleasantville to the sexu- 
ally enlightened woman of the year 
2000. Yet the sexual awareness of to- 
day is only a prelude to the evolution 
of the woman of tomorrow. The most 
significant shift will come as wom- 
en attach (concluded on page 275) 


BY JOHN GRAY 


Martians, Beware: venusians of the Next Millennium Have a New Agenda 


PLAYBOY 


CITIES on the MOON 


(continued from page 154) 
here are my predictions for the real 
start ofthe millennium, January 1, 9001 

Once I asked Edith Head, Holly- 
wood's foremost costume designer, to 
foretell the future. 

"In 2033," 1 said, “how will men and 
women dress?" 

lo," she said. “If 1 promise fash- 
ions, they happen. Tomorrow arrives 
by noon today, and you must start over, 
imagining the impossible." 

“Just guessing causes an instant 
tomorrow?" 

“We imagined the Moon, didn't we? 
And the Eagle landed. We wished for 
Mars; the Viking cameras followed. So, 
predictions ensure. What do you want 
from the universe? Dream, then shout 
it loud and clear or there will be no new 
New Year's. But watch it! You may get 
what you shout.” 

I dare to shout our future now. 

First, we must wish ourselves back to 
the Moon. 

There we must build space stations 
on hard lunar rock, escaping the grav- 
ities of raw space. Why? More of this 
later. 

Meanwhile—— 

In the first hundred years of the 
third millennium, a few dozen new 
universities will be added to our educa- 
tional rosters. Let's name a few. The 
University of Sing Sing. The campus of 
the Illinois Penitentiary and San Quen- 
tin College and Alcatraz U 

Suange? 

Strange, ves, because new. 

Beyond 2001 we will learn what we 
should always have known: Punish- 
ment is not enough. 

Repentance through education 
might suffice. 

By the gate of each penal school we 
will retranslate the Statue of Liberty's 
demand: Give me your vacant minds 
and useless passions, lend me your 
rootless self-destroyers, let all books Бе 
bibles, in monks' cells where the study 
of mankind will prevail. 

And when these empty heads are full 
and these brutal hands can write, let 
there be tests, and those who at last can 
read, remember and understand what 
they read, let the portals open to set 
them free, punished but replenished, 
on their feet, not on their knees. 

It’s worth a try. 

And now, a further wish and hoped- 
for resolution. Let all the nations and 
ciues of the world for a little while be 
governed by women. We have ingested 
testosterone from the mouth of the 
cave, to the burned library of Alex- 
andria, to unending world wars. Even 
as men are lousy drivers (check your 
insurance statistics), so аге they lousy 


politicos who, guarding their ravenous 
egos, ignore their teeming brains. Not 
back-of-the-bus for men, no, but as 
side-seat advisors on how to get lost. 
For a few years, why not? Let women 
“man” the wheel. 

And, please, no women who аге ma- 
cho-male clones with incipient biceps. 
Just ordinary, which means extraordi- 
nary, females who can mother-nurse- 
teach the world, with all that those 
labels imply. Men, confronted by prob- 
lems, often depart. Women stay to sort 
baggage. clean souls and mend tempers. 

Which is a natural lead-in to comput- 
ers, Internets, e-mails and wide-screen- 
wall-to-wall-eyeball TVs. The world 1 
depicted in Fahrenheit 451 in the early 
Fifties is fast targeting ground zero, not 
like an express train but like a brain 
meltdown rocket. Women must make 
a takeover power grab because men- 
who-would-be-boys are now bigger 
boys with bigger toys. The virtual re- 
айыз invade us, and if Bill Gates isn't 
Big Brother, he is a distant subliminal 
cousin. We are being urged to transis- 
torize our entire households with fac- 
toid basement kindergartens and emp- 
ty high school attics that graduate 
students with comic strip diplomas. 

When I was speaking at a local li- 
brary last year, 1 saw that Bill Gates had 
signed the guest book. Under his name 
1 wrote: 

1 don't do Windows. 

How come this fuddy-duddy neo- 
Luddite reaction? 

Aren't I supposed to be a true inhab- 
itant of the future, born on Mars, flung 
from Saturn's rings, flying ahead of the 
saucers? 

True. 1 am Н.С. Wells’ bastard son, 
by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley. Which 
means | truly believe in a future, while 
the Internet people stay up late maun- 
dering and whimpering to morons in 
Moscow and lunatics in Louisiana. To- 
day's electronic male is enmeshed with 
his genitalia, fighting for freedom to be 
lost on the Internet. Millions of calls 
per hour crisscross continents, sent 
and received by 49-year-old boy me- 
chanics eager to trade vacuum tubes 
and dead transistors with similar boobs 
in Bangkok and Barcelona. Well, at 
least it keeps them out of harm's way, 
giving the grand chance for the women 
to power, while the giant kids’ 
midlife frenzy broadcasts tot: -air car- 
toon balloons pacing Telstar to land on 
fallow ground. 

My response: Turn off everything. 
Patrol your house to pull the plugs on 
the TV, radio, fax, the e-mail-transmit- 
ting computer and its ingrown Inter- 
net. Go sit on your porch with a glass of 
vodka lemonade, a pad and pencil, and 
truly think 

To test my notion, plant me in a 


тоот with 200 chaps at 200 computers, 
give me a number two Ticonderoga 
pencil and a Mohawk Red Indian ten- 
cent pad, and I will outthink and out- 
create the whole damn bunch. 

Some years back, addressing a vir- 
tual reality congress of special affects 
(that word misspelled to illustrate peo- 
ple who affect to be bright but are sim- 
ply the fuse lighters for sky explosions 
that blow off empüly in winds), I cau- 
tioned them to get brain transplants. 

Their creations having suffered tri- 
ple bypasses away from the cerebrum 
to the groin ог, perhaps worse, sheer 
emptiness, I pleaded for true informa- 
tion, not false shows. They were serv- 
ing Chinese dinners—you were hun- 
gry an hour later! 

No more vacuum-packed Jeopardy 
displays of nonfacts (Napoleon was 
born so-and-so, died thus and such) 
but who was he, what was he, why was 
he. Not dodo sums but biographical 
analysis and philosophy. 

Think! Do you really want to be in 
lightning-strike instant contact with ev- 
ery Nellie, Ned and Noodge in the Uni- 
verse? Do you wish e-mail by the bush- 
el and ton or wish to send bags of 
boredom to friends innocently think- 
ing they might get through the day 
without being struck senseless by your 
homespun gimcrack inspirations? Why 
not instead pierce two empty tin cans, 
insert 30 yards of twine, hold one can 
to your ear, give the other to a pal 
across the street so he can shout his 
revelations so loudly you don't need 
the can. Then do the reverse, as you 
did when you were a kid patrolling the 
neighborhood and waking neighbors 
with your yells 

Let William Faulkner be your guide. 
He was fired as postmaster in a South- 
ern town because he didn't want to be 
at the beck and call of any s.o.b. with a 
two-cent stamp. 

Pick up the phone. Give friends a 
chance not to answer. Use your car, go 
visit. But warn Aunt Nell or Cousin Bil- 
ly Bob you're coming so they can chug- 
alug the gin 

Computer games? Family competi- 
tions to prove that everyone's brains 
were left behind in their mother? Why 
not prove that in a single night you can 
move from nursery to kindergarten 
with aplomb? 

Laptops as bedtime companions? 
Laptops cannot be cuddled like a babe 
in your arms. Laptops cannot bed 
down with you midnights with Ma- 
dame Bovary or Long John Silver or 
Hamlet's father's ghost. Pour salt on 
the laptop batteries and watch them 
sizzle like snails. Ger a life. 

Call your cat to help you kill that 
laptop mouse. 

(concluded on page 246) 


1 
т” 

= ”. 
ықы Р 


ва 
„ 
Em om 


%% 2” 


172 


“If he doesn't land, I think he's out of our jurisdiction!" 


JUSTICE IN THE MEROS ИД 


TO FIX OUR COURTROOMS, МЕД Звено Зе ЕИ 


article by JOHN еее RAN) 


T THE DAWN of Jth century, a prophetic W.E.B. 
Du Bois wrote, “The problem of the 20th century 
is the problem of the color line.” At the century's 
midpoint, Martin Luther King Jr. came forward 

with a dream for the betterment of everyone, including 

justice and equality for alll 

As this century ends, one 

wonders what Du Bois or 

Dr. Ring would say today 

Would they say that racial 

equality and justice have 

progressed? While both 
men would likely acknowl- 
edge some movement, they 
would be disheartened 

On the verge of the 21st 

century, America remains a 

nation divided by race—a 

nation whose noblest ideals 
arc clouded by misunder 


standing stemming from 
racial separation. Some 
whites bemoan what they 
perceive as black ingrati- 
tude, while many blacks be- 
lieve whites will never gen- 
uinely share power. 

If America is to progress, 
we must all first acknowl- 
edge that racial separation 
still exists. Fortunately. 
overt Jim Crow laws have 
been eliminated. Unfortunately, covert Jim Crow—call it 
Jim Crow Jr—is still in practice 

Our nation's greatness is diminished by too many exam- 
ples of racism and injustice. We cherish the right to travel 
freely within our borders. But how universal is that right 
when a recent study of police stops on a Maryland inter- 
state shows that African Amcricans accounted for 73 per- 
cent of all police searches, though African Americans were 
only 17 percent of the drivers? 

How Can we say that we have evolved when last year 
our largest city was rocked by the brutalization of Ab- 
ner Пошта and the killing of Amadou Diallo? Both men 
were guilty only of having dark skin, as was Tyisha Miller, 
gunned down by police in Riverside, California while sit 
lng in her car. These offenses are reminiscent of mob 
lynchings of more than 50 years ago. But there is a crucial 
difference: Unlike lynchings, these actions were carried out 
by uniformed officers of the state, sworn to uphold the law 

It is not surprising that African Americans believe they 
cannot receive justice. How would you feel if you had the 
pervasive sense that you, your family and your neighbors 
could not use the courts to redress wrongs? 

We know the judicial system isn’t flawless. It is uneven 


and, at times, unfair. Witness my 27-year struggle to free 
Geronimo Pratt, or consider the cases of inmates now 
winning belated freedom because of DNA evidence. 

Despite their imperfections, the courts remain our best 
hope. We do not have a state religion, but the courts serve 

as our civic temples. They 
are where the most vexing 
questions are resolve 
and where the state’s pow 
er is held in check. Some- 
times, courts are willing 
to correct their mistakes. 
The rule of law is even 
taking hold on a global 
scale, with international 
tribunals probing geno- 
cide in the Balkans and in 
Rwanda. 
More than 30 years ago, 
Dr. King wrote, “This i 
no time for romanti: 
sions and empty philo- 
sophical debates. T 
time for action. What is 
needed is a strategy for 
change, a tactical program 
that will bring black peo- 
ple into the mainstream of 
American life as quickly 
as possible.” 
Today such idealism 
seems both refreshing and 
naive. In the midst of unprecedented prosperity, the gov- 
ernment has ceased caring about the poor and the disen- 
franchised. Tragically, we are still far away from King's 
tactical program. The first business of the 21st century 
must be completing the unfinished business of the 20th 
century. There is one small step we can all take toward 
completing the century’s agenda. It does not involve ex- 
pensive government programs. No TY cameras, personal 
computers or cell phones are required. 

What we must do is have men and women, black and 
white, Asian and Hispanic, young and old, rich and poor, 
reason together. It is time for us as a nation, and for all of 
us as individuals, to engage. Let there be a frank ex- 
change of views. Four decades of practicing law all over 
this country convinces me that most people will conclude 
that we are all the same beneath the 5! 

A simple call for community may seem mundane in the 
face of the next century's technological onslaught. But 
without an exchange of ideas, there is only fear and igno- 
rance. The calendar tells us we're into the next century, 
but the day-to-day experiences of many people show us 
that we have not erased the color line Du Bois eloquently 
identified when the century began. 


ıuusrrarion ev ANTHONY RUSSO 


items for 

the teen 

jerkfest 

(and box 

office 

hit) American 

Pie included a cock sock 
and an ad guaranteed to 
ruin Mom's apple pie. 


FULL OF THE 
OLD MICK 
Mick Jagger's 
nine-year, four- 
child marriage 


to Jerry Hall 3 = Е Star Tarrant's ШЕ 
crashed when 5 sexy fun if 


he knocked up ROYAL PAIN [Edward's bride 
Brazilian model Despite a miniscandal result- 

Luciana Gime- ing from the release of an 11- 

nez Morad, who year-old topless photo, Sophie 

let it all hang out Rhys-Jones finally got Prince 

(left) on a Carnaval Edward to the altar. In 

float in Rio. Luciana Argentina, dancer 

had a boy, Jerry agreed to an "^ Adriana Vasile gota | 

annulment, and Mick's escort- leg up on Prince { 

ing a Venezuelan heiress. Не Charles 


who may 


Шы = have @ 
Кет RN , had his 
Emu [e Г mind on his 
DOWNSIZED ae soe paramo 
Мо signs of inflation here: Thumbin "à Camilla Far 
9 g ker-Bowles. 
her cute nose at America’s big-boob obsession, 5 
Pamela Anderson had her implants 
reduced. In ensu- 
ing weeks, 
other stars 
hit the talk 
show circuit 
with their 
own remem- 
brances of 
tits past. 


; ) Wu ups and downs 
| and the old 


in-and-out. what 
a way to end 
a millennium! 


IT WAS OVER WHEN THE FAT LADY SANG 
To the surprise of nobody but House Repub. 
licans and Ken Starr, Bill Clinton survived 
impeachment, even after 
Monica Lewinsky's 
testimony proved 
him a big fibber as 
well as a big creep. 
After all was said and 
done—and all the 
bumper sticker humor 
was exhausted—Hil- 
lary began a Senate 
run, Monica launched a 
handbag business and 
cash-poor Abkhazia 
authorized a set of 


topical postage-stamp 
EYE OF NEWT, HEART OF STONE look-alikes. 


So much for family values: In 1980 Newt Ging- 
rich asked his first wife, then ill with cancer, for a di 
vorce and soon married Marianne Ginther (above 
left). Now he's dumping Marianne for House aide and 
church singer Callista Bisek 


д Relations 


“1 dil norb 


JUST DON'T 
SQUEEZE THE 
MELONS 
When a Brit super- 
market chain an- 
nounced it might 
stage nude shop- 
ping nights, Man- 
chester DJ Der- 
ek Hatton dared 
listeners to 
try it. 


UPSIZED? 


Did she or didn't she? та 
Reports claim teen | |24 

singer Britney Spears j > „а 
had her breasts en- | IN N 
һапсес, but she's not | è 
owning up to it. Guess | ^ 


she just had a growth ШЕ 
spurt between # 
spring (at left) 
and fall (right). 
Y If so, it sure 
| was a swell 


summer. — 


Forget inflatables 
RealDoll (realdoll 
com) is made of 
high-grade sili- 
cone and comes 
delivered to your 
door with a bra, 
panties, mini- 
dress, stockings 
and cleaning kit 
for a mere $5699. 


YOU CAN'T BEAT THE CLASSICS 
“Show us your tits!” yelled rowdy fans when 
Playmate Bebe Buell returned to her rock- 
er roots at the Manhattan nitery Don Hills. 

"Dont ask for that," she retorted. 
"They're an institution at this 
point." As a public service, 
we present the historic 
hooters, circa 1974. 


in 


NEED A PRE-NUP 


MOMMY, > | 
JAR JAR IS 
| HITTING ОМ „= 
G.I. JOE! 


Action toys gave prudes fits 
this year. Speculation had Jar 
Jar Binks and Teletubby Tinky 
Winky outed as gay, Tarzan's 
up-and-down arm movements 
too jerky, and Butterfly Art Bar- 
bie's tattoos drew so much fire 
that Mattel scrapped plans for 
Chelsie's nose ring. 


BEEN THERE, DONE THAT 
We saw something familiar in People's roundup of Rod 
Stewart's fair-haired friends (1). It's a reprise, with a new 
cast, of a Year in Sex item (2) from PLAveov's February 
1979 issue. Rod's latest flings, after his split from wife 
Rachel Hunter (3): Kimberley Conrad Hefner (4). Tracy 
Tweed (5). model Vicky Lee (6). who's considered being 
deflated à la Pam, and the lady known as Roxanne (7) 


SHOCK ROCK 
Was it some- 
thing in the 
(overpriced) 
water? Revel- 
ers at Wood- | 
stock '99, 
billed as a 
30th anniver- 
sary cele- 
bration of 


peace and ¢ 
under- 4 

= standing 

DOWNSIZED beganina 

Gone but not forgotten: the festive 
bountiful (but, she says, painful) mood but 
breasts formerly sported by Sally | ended ир 
Kirkland (above, іп 1995). At right, making 
war, not 


Sally as she appeared at 1999's 
Academy Awards ceremony. 


love. 


THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF 
CARMEN AND DENNIS AND TOMMY 
AND JENNA AND PAM AND OTHERS WE COULDN'T FIT IN 
On and off switches turned by celebrity couples Carmen Electra and Dennis Rod- 
man and Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee gave the tabloids a field day, with 
ever-more-lurid headlines linking Dennis with a model and a masseuse, Carmen 
with Tommy, and Tommy with the world's top-paid д- 

porn star, Jenna Jameson (bottom ” 

left). The Rodmans appear to be his- 
tory, but the Lees are reunited, 


CAREFUL WITH THAT CHOPSTICK! 
For $1200 each, guests at one nyotaimori 
feast dine from the body of a naked woman. 
Virginity is no longer required, but she does 
have to wax, pluck and lie still for eight hours. 


HEIDI FLEISS, THE SEQUEL 
Her aunt, Georgia Gibbs, sang Dance With 
Me Henry, but Jody “Варудог Gibson may 
be warbling Jailhouse Rock. Cops charged 
the latest “Hollywood madam” with pimping. 


WELCOME TO THE WHOREHOUSE 
* Nevada's Moonlite Bunnyranch dedicated 
a suite in its brothel to Minnesota's rasslin' 
governor, Jesse Ventura, who describes 
his visit there in his autobiography. 


EYE CANDY ON THE NET 

Unauthorized photos of porn foe Dr. Laura Schlessinger 
showed up on IEG's Club Love site, while Tampa officials 
tried to block Voyeur Dorm's 24-hour cameras. 


UPSIZED! 
Caution: Contents Under Pressure. Mod 
el Ashley Bond demonstrates the tech- 
nology that allows her to pump up her 
breasts at will from a C cup to an HH. 


go. 


DONE THAT П 


resemblance to Ellen 
Michaels' March 1972 
Centerfold. 


Herb Ritts’ shot of Elsa Ben- 
itez for the 1999 Pirelli cal- 
endar, Women Through the 
Decades, bears a striking 


Tara 
DJ: 867.61 


P LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA 
You can't make this stuff up: 
Actress Lynn Redgrave (1) filed for 
divorce from John Clark (2) when he blabbed that 
young Zachary (3), who Lynn believed was their grand- 
son, was his own child by ex-assistant Nicolette Han- 
nah (4), the estranged wife of their son, Ben (5). John 
then accused Lynn of dallying with Brian Dennehy 
(6). Meanwhile, the Clarks' daughter, Kelly (who her 
dad says is a lesbian) (7), bore twins. 
No scandal yet on sister 
Annabel (8). 


HEMLINES, SCHLEMLINES 

You've heard the theory: Short skirts 
equal bull markets. We have a better y 
one, linking gang-bang records (by 
number serviced) to Dow Jones highs 

for that year. Who knows what heights 

may be reached if Montana Gunn fulfills 

her vow to take on 2000 

comers this | 


Wander Annabel Chong Jasmin SL claire Houston 
DJ: 5216.47 DJ: 6560.91 DJ: 1110719 


Montana бипп 
DJ: 78000 


BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY 

Mum's the word for California surrogate Ros- 

alind Bellamy, carrying twins—a boy and a 

giri—for Brit gays Barrie Drewitt, an ex-nurse, 
and Tony Barlow. a dermatologist. 


THE DOCTOR 
WAS IN 
Rumors were 

aced when 
Æ basketball's 
Dr. J., Julius 

Erving, was fin- 

gered as the dad 

oftennis pro 

Alexandra 

Stevenson. 


TITS FOR TOTS 

The news that Disney 

drones apparently inserted 

two frames о! a topless woman 
into The Rescuers forced the studio 
to recall 3.4 million videotapes. 


шш 


WILD, WILD GIRLS OF SPORTS 
No wonder guys are ато a an interest in wom 


Capriati (3): soccer's Brandi Chastain (4), who 
shed her shirt in victory (and had earlier doffed 


PLAYBOY pictorial picks, wrestler Rena "Rhymes 
With Able" Mero (5) and boxer Mia St. John (6) 


drink BY JOHN MARIANI WHAT THEY'RE POURING NEW YEAR'S EVE AT TOP BARS WORLDWIDE 


TAY Us with flag- 
ons, the 21st centu- 
ry is here! Come 
midnight on De- 
cember 31, mil- 
lions will welcome 
the new millenni- 

um with the predictable pop of a 

champagne cork. But those lucky 

enough to be partying at, say, the 

Bubble Lounge in San Francisco or 

the Ritz in Paris can toast the next 

thousand ycars with drinks created 
just for this night. So if you can't 
drop by the Bubble, the Ritz or oth- 

er great bars serving signature mil- 

lennium cocktails, here's a sneak 

peek at what they ve concocted. 


MILLENNIUM A-GO-GO 
(MAUNA LANI BAY HOTEL, KOHALA 
COAST, HAWAII) 


1% ounces Bacardi light rum 
X ounce rock candy syrup. 


MIDNIGHT SP 


2 ounces Calamansi lime juice 

% mango, peeled 

Lime wedge 

Sprig of mint 

Orchid 

Combine rum, syrup. mango and 
lime juice in a blender with crushed 
ice and blend until smooth. Pour in- 
to a tall glass and garnish with lime 


wedge, mint and orchid. 


MILLENNIUM MELTDOWN 
(TONY'S, HOUSTON) 


1 ounce Godiva chocolate liqueur 

2 ounces vodka 

% ounce white creme de menthe 

White chocolate shavings 

Combine chocolate liqueur, vod- 
ka and créme de menthe in a shak- 
er with ice cubes. Shake until well 
blended and strain into a martini 
glass. Garnish with chocolate. 


"TRU ROSE 2000 
(TRU, CHICAGO, 


% cup raspberries 

У teaspoon pink peppercorns 

K cup sugar syrup 

6 ounces Billecart-Salmon Brut 
Reserve champagne 


Combine berries, peppercorns 
and syrup in a blender and puree 
until smooth. Strain through a fine 
sieve. Pour champagne slowly into 
a flute and add four drops of the 
puree. 


SNOWBALL 
(THE HEMINGWAY BAR AT 
THE RITZ, PARIS) 


2 ounces vodka 

1 ounce Galliano liqueur 

1 ounce créme de cacao 

1 egg yolk 

2 ounces lemonade 

1 ounce heavy cream 

Combine all ingredients in a 
blender vith crushed ice and blend 
until smooth. Pour into 2 tall glass. 
Optional garnish: a lighted sparkler. 


FIVEM'S AND AN N 
(LOUIE'S BACKYARD, KEY WEST) 


# ounce Mycrs's rum 


X ounce Mount Gay rum 

Y ounce Malibu rum 

% ounce Captain Morgan rum 

# ounce Captain Morgan spiced 
rum 

2% ounces Coco Lopez 

2 ounces pineapple juice 

У ounce Nassau Royale liqueur 

Combine all ingredients except 

Nassau Royale rum in a blender 

with ice cubes, blend until smooth 

and strain into a hurricane glass 

Pour Nassau Royale on top. 


IMPERIAL DUO 
(THE BUBBLE LOUNGE, SAN FRANCISCO) 


% ounce Rémy Martin V.S.O.P. 
cognac 
5% ounces Piper-Heidsieck Brut 
champagne 
Orange twist 
Combine cognac and champagne 
in a flute and garnish with orange 
twist. 


THE FLAMBEAU 
(THE LOA BAR AT THE INTERNATIONAL 
HOUSE, NEW ORLEANS) 


2 ounces Captain Morgan rum 
1 ounce Grand Marnier liqueur 


1 ounce Chambord liqueur 
Twists of lemon and lime 
Combine all ingredients except 

twists in a shaker with ice cubes, 

shake until well blended and strain 
into a martini glass. Garnish with 
the twists. Heat a little additional 

Grand Marnier in a small pan, care- 

fully light with a match and pour it, 

flaming, into the cocktail 


THE CALYPSO 
(D.C. COAST, WASHINGTON, D.C) 


3 ounces Bacardi Limón rum 

У ounce blue curacao liqueur 

Juice of half a lime 

Green-colored sugar 

‘Twists of orange and lemon 

Combine rum, curacao and lime 
juice in a shaker with ice cubes, 
shake until cold and strain into a 
martini glass rimmed with green 
sugar. Garnish with twists dipped 
in sugar 


THE RED SQUARE 2000 
(THE RED SQUARE, LAS VEGAS) 
2 ounces Moskovskaya vodka 
Splash of sweet vermouth 
Olive stuffed with blue cheese 
Combine vodka and vermouth in 
a shaker with ice cubes, shake until 
cold and strain into a martini glass 
Garnish with olive. 


LILLET ROUGE 
(CAFE ROUGE, PHILADELPHIA) 


4 ounces champagne 
1 ounce red Lillet aperitif 
Lemon twist 
Chill champagne and Lillet until 

cold and pour into a flute. Garnish 

with twist. 


ASIAN ORANGE 
(FUSEBOX, ATLANTA) 


2 ounces Absolut Mandarin 
vodka 

Y ounce Grand Marnier liqueur 

V. ounce orange juice 

Orange slice 

Combine vodka, Grand Marnier 
and orange juice in a shaker with 
ісе cubes, (concluded on page 272) 


182 


DO 


the eminent journalist, author and 


social commentator reminds us how far we have 


come since the middle of the century 


article ву DAVID HALBERSTAM 


HE PACE of life in America at mid- 
century was infinitely more lan- 
guid than it is today. The pop- 
ulation of the U.S. was just 
151,325,798 in 1950, compared 
with 248,764,170 in the latest 
census. In both its demographics 
and, perhaps far more important, its 
self-image, America 50 years ago was 
dramatically whiter. 

The pace of business in this precom- 
puter, prefax, pre-Internet era paral- 
leled the pace of technology: Not by 
chance was it the age of business lunch- 
es that often featured three martinis. 
In June 1951, when I graduated from 
high school, the Dow stood at 250. 
Yes, 250. 

Geographic distances were far more 
imposing. In general, people commu- 
nicated with one another less often and 
far more slowly. On the rural outskirts 
of Winsted, Connecticut, where I grew 
up, our family still had a party tele- 
phone line (1987.3, three rings for 
our phone), which meant your neigh- 
bors could listen in on your calls and in 
fact sometimes did. If you wanted to 
call someone long distance, a call that 
was considered something of an impor- 
tant and expensive event in those days, 
you always placed the call through the 


operator and made it person to person 

There were no cell phones and only 
a handful of computers, primarily in 
the hands of the Department of De- 
fense. The room in the Defense De- 
partment where the first computer was 
stationed was always hot. In the mid- 
Forties, Tom Watson jr., of the ІВМ 
Watsons, had visited the giant room 
and asked Pres Eckert, one of the com- 
puter's inventors, why it was always so 
uncomfortable in there. Because we're 
sharing the place with 18,000 radio 
tubes, Eckert answered 

Air travel for most Americans was 
still an exception. My 19-year-old 
daughter has flown hundreds of times; 
1 took my first commercial airplane 
ride when I was 23. Commercial flight 
aboard jet planes did not exist. Fitting- 
ly enough. major league baseball de- 
fined the country and travel was done 
by train. Washington was a Southern 
city, and St. Louis a Western one. Amer- 
ica for all intents and purposes was 
based in the East, and a person who 
lived in California but had come East 
to college was considered a curiosity 
of sorts, almost as exotic a specimen 
of human life as someone from, say, 
American Samoa. 

The federally blessed and financed 


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184 


highway system was still six years away, 
and its official name—the National Sys- 
tem of Interstate and Defense High- 
ways—recalls how it would be sold to the 
nation as a defense against the Russians. 
Still, American eyes were very much on 
the road; we were buying more and 
more cars, ever larger and glitzier, with 
more accoutrements than ever before. 

Americans also turned them in ever 
more quickly as the nation's level of af- 
fluence and, equally important, its level 
of optimism increased stunningly fast. 

Words, not images. were the prime 
currency of communication. Television 
was in its infancy. Ed Murrow, the sin- 
gle most distinguished voice of broad- 
casting—a radio voice—shied away from 
television, as did most of his top radio 
reporters. A few years into the decade, 
when CBS needed someone to head its 
fledgling television broadcast, it some- 
what reluctantly settled on Walter Cron- 
kite, largely regarded as a benchwarm- 
er by the elite Murrow people. 

Newspapers were all-powerful. Polit- 
ical candidates aspiring to higher office 
studied the personal proclivities of 
print reporters, not the deadlines and 
schedules of the network news shows. 
The person whose approval they cov- 
eted was Scotty Reston, rising star of 
The New York Times’ Washington bu- 
reau. The idea that ambitious press 
secretaries would seek out executive 
producers from network television to 
check their schedules was unheard of 
two decades ago. Satellite technolo- 
Бу. which would eventually allow us to 
watch warfare in our living rooms, was 
still far away. 

The evening news shows were in 
their embryonic stage; the first NBC 
news host was a former Shakespearean 
actor named John Cameron Swayze 
He used quaint phrases like “Let's hop- 
scotch the world for headlines,” and 
did commercials as well. A limited num- 
ber of sports events were televised. The 
World Series was popular and so were 
the Friday night fights, sponsored by 
Gillette Blue Blades (“Look sharp, feel 
sharp, be sharp”). Pro football was a 
virtual minor league, its marriage to 
network television still years away. Ear- 
ly games, because of poor reception, 
often seemed to be taking place in a 
blizzard, and it sometimes looked as if 
44 instead of 22 football players were 
on the field. To this day when I think of 
that era I think of it in black and white; 
I think of the Sixties in color. 

A bitter war started in Korea on June 
25, 1950. Even in its nomenclature it 
was found wanting: The president of 
the United States referred to it as a po- 
lice action rather than a war, as if peo- 
ple did not get killed quite as dead in 
a police action as in a war. For most 
Americans Korea seemed distant, un- 


palatable and frustrating. The young 
men who were the sons of the elite—of 
the nation's decision makers—grad- 
uated from high school and in great 
numbers duly went off to college, im- 
munized from the draft by 11-5 defer- 
ments. Working-class, blue-collar young 
men got drafted and went to Korea. It 
was the beginning of a class division 
over who served and fought for whom 
in this country, and it would eventually 
become a chasm. 

The country largely seemed to turn 
away from the war in Korea and, be- 
cause communications were still so 
primitive and because America's sur- 
vival did not seem to be at stake, the 
conflict was only in the most marginal 
sense portrayed on the television news 
shows of that era. The war never 
worked itself into the national blood- 
stream as the Vietnam war would, be- 


The Birth Control Pill 
Was 15 Years 
The Idea 
Might Go To 


Seemed Laug 
coming, in Michael Arlen's famous 
phrase, the “living room war.” Korea 


neither united nor divided the country, 
though Harry Truman's firing of Doug- 
las MacArthur in April 1951 divided 
the country along powerful existing di- 
visions. Some of these divisions were 
cultural and ethnic, some were ideo- 
logical. Liberals tended to endorse 
Truman, conservatives to abhor him. 
In the 1952 election there was a surfac- 
ing of a new cultural-political division: 
Democrats for Fisenhower, many of 
them Catholic. 

Midcentury was a far more static and 
hierarchical time. The economy re- 
mained blue collar and industrial, driv- 
en by muscularity and not brains. A 
line worker at Ford or General Motors 
might well make more than a professor 
at the University of Michigan. Because 
no bombs had touched us during 
World War П, and because Europe had 
engaged in suicidal war twice within 25 
years, America was rich in a world that 
was poor. 

In the nation's biggest industries— 
auto and steel—a genuine if occasional- 
ly uneasy peace had been worked out 
between unions and companies. There 
was a general perception that the Amer- 
ican pie was big enough for everyone. 

America was still a Calvinist society. 


The economic, social and technological 
forces which would soon assault that 
Calvinism were just building. Work 
mostly meant long, hard physical exer- 
tion for relatively limited rewards. 
Memories of bleak times, of massive 
national econornic reverses like the De- 
pression, which could wipe out all of 
a family's gains overnight, were fresh. 
If there was some degree of optimism 
about the economic future, it was bal- 
anced with an innate wariness. 

People coming of age in this increas- 
ingly affluent economy were more con- 
fident and optimistic than their par- 
ents and more willing to do something 
new and scemingly un-American: buy 
on credit. Their parents, fearful of eco- 
nomic vagaries outside their control, 
hated the concept of debt and consid- 
ered buying anything, save perhaps a 
home, which few in the past could have 
afforded, virtually immoral. 

Big companies dominated the land- 
scape: Ford, General Motors, General 
Electric, U.S. Steel, Westinghouse. The 
brightest graduates of the country's 
best business schools, it was expected, 
would work for these companies. The 
move toward venture capital, the idea 
of talented young businessmen marry- 
ing with talented young scientists and 
doing their own start-up companies, 
was still more than a decade away. After 
both a world war and a depression, this 
was a time when talented young people 
sought security. 

The meritocracy—where talent was 
more important than bloodlines—was 
just coming of age. As such, lines of 
ethnicity still held. In New York there 
were Wasp banking houses and Wasp 
law firms to do their legal work, just 
as there were Jewish law firms to do 
the heavy lifting for the Jewish banks. 
The Wasp establishment dominated 
the business (and foreign policy) land- 
scape. In those days the right family 
and connections could get you into the 
right boarding schools, colleges, bank- 
ing and law firms, and then often high 
into the government. The meritocra- 
cy, aided by the GI Bill, would soon 
transform the nation with stunning 
force. It already had a tochold in Amer- 
ica’s great universities 

In June 1950, an immigrant from 
Germany named Henry Kissinger 
graduated (summa cum laude) in gov- 
ernment from Harvard; another, Zbig- 
niew Brzezinski, from Poland, entered 
graduate school in September. The 
idea that these two heavily accented 
men would become top figures in the 
national security complex was unthink- 
able at the time. 

No one spoke of a “fast track” in the 
Fifties. There was an assumption that, 
talented or not, you went out after 

(continued on page 268) 


DAA ыр, 


"I hope you like й—1 plan on playing a lot more golf next summer." 


185 


FICTION 


BY DAVID 
MAMET 


she was a norse 
goddess with honey- 
blonde hair, a hard 
gaze and perfect 
features. such а 
lovely woman, he 
thought, and went 


back to his wife 


= е 
m IG@Suacruzs 


Syd Mead 


ы 


tomorrow's playboy pad will be*the galaxy's most sophisticated pod 


| Ts nern 44 years since we published 
|| PtAvBOY's Penthouse Apartment, a de- 
dL sign plan for the ultimate bachelor 
living quarters. That feature spawned 
the expression “eLayBoY pad,” а phrase 
that became synonymous with conve- 
nience and luxury for the urban male. 

The start of the new millennium 
seems the opportune moment to map 


the luxury pad of the future. 

To turn the fantasy into reality, we 
enlisted Syd Mead, the futuristic artis 
and designer renowned for his а 
work on such films as Blade Runner and 
Timecop 

Luxury implies the ability to secure 
sybaritic comfort, mobility and access 
to personal amenities at whim,” Mead 


Our pad of the future is the swankiest ma- 
bile hame this side of the Milky Way. The 
undercarriage of the two-stary dwelling 
lacks on to the aff dorsal docking track 

of an intergalactic luxury liner. In addition 
to taking the man on the ga where he 
wants to go, this keeps aur lucky pad 
‘owner supplied with power, water and air. 


189 


says. “In the coming millennium, luxu- 
ry will continue to mean access to the 
latest accomplishments in transpo 


longevity techniques. The personal en- 
vironment will be designed to impres 
and to complement one's personality 
and predil 
s vision for the luxury living 
space of the future evokes the early 
20th century, when the ultimate way to 
hed 


private railroad car. He sees the pad of 
tomorrow as a pressurized, privately 
owned support module attached to an 
intergalactic luxury liner. The host ship 
provides necessities such as local gravi- 
ty, air exchange, power feed and water, 
and offers a wide range of services and 
amenities, including food and bever- 


age catering. 

The front entrance is an elaborate 
geometric bas-relief that recalls the 
grandeur of Medici palazzo gateways. 


enhanced in space by a starry view 
through the atrium ceiling. In addition 
to these visual components, the unit 
features multichannel audio with sur- 
round sound. Learning-circuit re- 
sponse enables automatic program- 
ming of your favorite music. And 
there's no fiddling with dials and con- 
trols, since the system can be voice ac 
tivated. At the top of the sweeping 
stairs, a pair of three terabyte comput- 
er servers in the communication area 


run the software that makes the walls 
and surfaces of the living space a pro- 
grammable environment. RGB (red- 
green-blue) signifies the three funda- 
mental clectronic coloration channels 
that have become the standard for de- 
vices such as personal computers. With 
the advent of RGB substrates and coat- 
ings, surfaces can be treated as “on” or 
“off” for various decor style purposes. 
For a romantic evening among the 
stars, simply adjust the surface settings 


Left: The front room on the main level 
features а bor with stools that retract 
into the bor focade ond о formal din- 
ing oreo fronting o dramatic curved 
crewel mural depicting fruits, vegeto- 
bles and herbs. The host ship provides 
catering services. Behind the bor, а 
two-story laminar waterfall is topped 
by a 12-foot-diameter holographic 
disploy screen that functions as the 
awner's personal mood-moker and 
ever-chonging light source. Af the top. 
of the staircase are control panels that 
alter the details of the decor to suit o 
variety of moods. Nestled behind the 
staircase is a commodious lounge 
[obave right) with pneumatic seating 
thot provides ап infinite orrangement 
of shapes and patterns. Holograph- 

ic projection anto the 200-degree 
screen offers а true three-dimensional 
presentatian. Stow your 3D glosses. 


Right: This is а floor plan of the main 
level, the orraw indicates the view of 
the area pictured at left. The RGB 
lounge is situated behind the stair- 
case. In addition to the bar and dining 
area in the front room, а food prepa- 
ration crea and wet-core cylinder 

ot the rear serve eating needs and 
water-related functions. 


on any of the rooms, changing the col- 
ors and textures of the walls and the 
fabric patterns on the furniture to cre- 
ate the desired ambience. 

What Mead calls “a private den of 
liquidity” begins on the main level, 
which features a central room with a 
bar and dining area, a lounge that 
serves as a living room, and a handy 
nook to fix food (no need for a full- 
scale kitchen—just ring the mother 
ship). The walls in the central room, 
like most others in the unit, are bas-re- 
lief crewel murals, soft to the touch and 
executed in leathers. Dark polished- 
marble floors lend a sense of masculin- 
ity to the overall design motif. 

The decorative centerpiece is a two- 
story laminar waterfall behind the bar. 
Water cascades over faux granite plates 
that change angle slightly on a random 
program, shifting the falling water in 


191 


192 


Above: The food preporation area оп the 
moin level serves oll kitchen functions. Hot 
and cold hors d'oeuvres, snocks ond bev- 
erages аге dispensed Ihrough modules 
that retract from the woll automatically. 
The design motif on the wolls in this агео 
is a holographic gorden of eorthly foliage. 
On the upper level (right), a cylindrical en- 
virenmentol chamber with souna, Jacuzzi 
ond fitness gym eliminates the need for a 
heolth club membership. Adjacent is the 
bedroom. In addition to the starry view 
through the ceiling, holographic projec- 
tions on the wolls ond ceiling provide visu- 
als that are literally out of this world. 


constantly changing patterns. Atop the 
waterfall is a 12-foot-diameter RGB. 
display that continually adjusts chroma 
and intensity, casting an ever-changing 
light over the central room. This dis- 
play is part of an elaborate program- 
mable holographic projection system 
that operates throughout the apart- 
ment and is controlled in the commu- 
nication area at the top of the stairs. 
The holographic technology, which 
first came into (concluded on page 248) 


Below: This is o floor plan for the upper 
level. The cylinder ot the center is the en- 
vironmentol chomber. The L-shoped object 
against the мой is one of two retract- 

able ottomons that attoch to the foot 

of the bed. The bed itself is neor the edge 
of the loft obove the dining oreo. The 
round object is an ornate chondelier 

thot descends over the dining table. 


WHERE & HOW TO BUYON PAGE 266. 


194 


Зоо 


“I think 1 just had the climax of the new millennium!” 


the dow could hit 41,000 in 2008. and that's only part of {һе good news 


have to be so complicated that you could never hope 

to understand them? The answer is no. The mostim- 
portant fundamentals that drive our economy are іпсгесі- 
bly simple and can be forecast decades into the future 
with a high degree of reliability. 

‘The key to comprehending the economy, technology 
trends and stock trends is to understand that it's not Alan 
Greenspan but Homer Simpson who drives our economy. 
It is the average person and his predictable spending and 
productivity cydes that determine the future, And who 
has proved that the average person is incredibly pre- 
diciable, using the law of averages? Life insurance actuar- 
ies, of course. The moment we're born, they predict when 
we will die. 

From the Consumer Expenditure Survey conducted 
every year by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, we 
know that the average person enters the workforce 
around the age of 19 and peaks in spending around age 
46.5. New generations moving up this predictable spend- 
ing cycle drive the boom and bust cycles in our economy 
predictably. If we move the U.S. birth index (adjusted for 
immigration) forward for the peak in spending of the av- 
erage family, we get an incredible correlation with the 
economy and the stock market (adjusted for inflation). I 
developed this indicator in 1988, and it has been extraor- 
dinarily accurate. It predicts that this boom and bull mar- 
ket in stocks will last until 2008 or 2009. I predict we will 
see a Dow as high as 41,000 by 2008. This means that 


I S TT SIMPLY a given that economics and future trends 


stocks will continue to reward investors into 2008. 

But the truth is chat I can tie almost all critical econom- 
ic trends to birth cycles—or, if you prefer, sexual activity 
оп a nine-month lag. That's why I say that sex ultimately 
drives our economy. (Of course, that also explains why 
economists have never figured it out.) But note that the 
baby boom generation dwarfs previous generations in size 
and economic power. The size factor has exaggerated all 
economic trends since the Forties and will continue to do 
so well into the future. 

The massive inflation of the Seventies was driven by the 
high cost of raising and incorporating that generation in- 
to the workforce. Young people are an expense and in- 
vestment for parents, government (education) and busi- 
nesses (office space, training and new equipment) until 
they enter the workforce. Inflation reached its highest lev- 
els in U.S. history in 1980, 19 years after the peak of the 
baby boom birth cycle. Then disinflation came with the 
baby bust's slower workforce entry from 1981 into 1998. 
Now the smaller echo baby boom will cause relatively flat 
and low inflation rates for the coming decade—meaning 
low yields and returns on bonds. 

The upside to young people is that they accelerate in- 
novation, peaking around the age of 22 when they get out 
of college. The start-up boom in new technologies and 
companies peaked in 1983, 22 years after the baby-boom 
birth peak in 1961. During the rising tide of baby boom 
innovation, from 1958 to 1983, small company stocks out- 
performed large company stocks (concluded on page 262) 


195 


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REBYC 


Can you identify these memorable rarsoy models? 


TICAS 


ACROSS 
1. It rises, men follow 1. Hell a giggle 
4, “Girls of the ез; 2 Singer Fitzgerald 
em Conference” 3, Teen hangout 

9. Her hopeful invite 4. — bleu! 
13. 94 Playmate Carter 5 Basje's — ‘Clock Jump 
15. Favorite Fanny 6, '62 Playmate Terjesen 
16. Sang about Alice 7. Slang lor breast 
17. May 94 cover girl XC os де 
18. Three-part fantasy з шщ 
ac pna кыл 10.'82 Disney cult classic 


21. Caviar E ER E 
22. 92 Playmate Beyer . First name in 
T microskirts 


23. “H's the life in my man” 

25. Sports refreshment 12 кууш 

27. Woody's ex and soc- 14 Femlin father 
cer's Hamm 19. 1 & 66, abbr, 

29. "Ii you don't swing. 24. When Hef needs it 
don't ring" homes 25, VIP Benton 

33. Baywatch's D'Errico 26. Greek goddess of war 

34. Sex ed pioneer 27. Calendar girl 
Calderone 28. PMOY Alien 

35. Mmes. Spanish 29, Author Peter 
counterparts 30. Speak publicly 

36. Put 2 and 2 together 3) Places for kissing 

37. Entertainment for Men 32 Jetseters' jets 

40. Where PLAYBOY began, зз Caught in the rain 


за Сша bac PLEASANT GAMMA RAY, 
aa. Wresdea Thor || 38 Producer Norman OR PLAYMATE ANAGRAMS 


44. PLAYBOY sturyteller er 
46. The girl next door NO TRY CINEMA 
авнаа 5 Шей 45. Butt lover 
49.`58 Playmate Corday 42. Sour — (bourbon E- = 2 
50. Better halt cousin) ^ 
51. End zone celebration 50.'62 Playmate Carter ог МАН НЕТ СА$Н 
54. Middle Eastern garb 51. Writer Silverstein 
56. Bad, in Barcelona 52. "75 Playmate Janet 
59. PLAYBOY founder 53. Bronze, stone, et al. NEEDS A ORAL MAN 
62. '86 Playmate Fabian 54. '87 Playmate Clark IL ke ue, — — 

and actress Gardner 55 Mercedes 
64. Fencing sword 57. Playmates Kimble (62) SHE WENT ON 
ри оран апа Мшег (70) 
Ca E. 58. "73 Playmate Valerie 

Let's Get — 

2 60. — and flow INFAMY DEJA LENS 

Tin Se 


measure 5 
69. Why you're here 63, Bird's instrument 


в МИЕ в U вт мощи 5 


йе са а 


AIRY MELON MORN 


Above, left: The TiVo personal video recorder by Philips records TV shows with DVD hard drive and performs 
cool tricks, such as learning your viewing preferences and recording programs it thin! 

month). Atop the Philips unit (clockwise): NeoPoint's 1000 Smartphone is a cell phone ani 

cess e-mail and the web ($400). Fisher’s Slim-1500 combines an AM-FM tuner and CD pla 

or wall-mountable unit ($200). The PV-DV910 Palmcorder digital camcorder by Panasonic has a handy bookmark function 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY JAMES IMBROGNO WHERE 4 HOW TO BUY ON PAGE stt. 


ли и THE CORNER 


MLIST-HAVE 
DIGITAL TOYS 
FOR THE 


21ST CENTURY 


that fost-forwards to the end of your last recording (51100). Apple's eye-catching iBook PowerPC G3 notebook computer 
($1600) is rigged with the Kritter USB, a $130 video camera that lets you send your image—still or moving—over the Net. 
Keanu Reeves dodges bullets in The Matrix, displayed on the seven-inch widescreen of Pioneer's PDV-LC10 portable DVD 
player ($1550). The do-it-all Cassiopeia E-100 is a Windows CE-based handheld computer by Casio that also plays audio 
and video files downloaded from the Internet ($570). And RCA's Lyra is an on-the-go gadget for playing MP3 tunes ($250). 


If you're going to search for one of these products, try 


PLAYBOY 


200 


Фин бома! 
(continued from page 134) 


According to the IPS, the average 
pLaYBoY reader spends just 43 percent 
of his time with each issue masturbat- 
ing. At Hustler, that figure is 81 per- 
cent. Of course, this applies only to 
PLAYBOY the magazine. The IPS esti- 
mates that nearly 98 percent of an ау- 
erage viewer's time while watching 
Playboy ТҮ is spent masturbating. 

Playboy ТУ is available only because 
of the technology that gave us cable 
television. Since the advent of cable, an 
ever-accelerating technological revolu- 
Чоп has given us an explosion of op- 
portunities to enjoy pornography in 
our own homes. 

I'm talking, of course, about the In- 
ternet, which is a terrific learning tool 
For example, a couple years ago, when 
he was 12, my son used the Internet for 
a sixth grade report on bestiality. Joe 
was able to download some effective vi- 
sual aids, which the other students in 
his class just loved. See, at that age the 
kids are sponges! 

It anything, this technological revo- 
lution will accelerate exponentially in 
the future, which is why this next mil- 
lennium will be such an exciting time 
for pornographers and for us, the 
consumers of pornography. Of course. 
predicting the future is no easy task, 
which is why I traveled to Northridge 
to talk with futurists at the IPS. 

1 was escorted through the modest 
single-story cinder block think tank by 
IPS senior fellow Dr. Julie DeVine, a 
futurist trained at MIT, the Minnesota 
Institute of Titology, which has a con- 
troversial doctoral program. 

As Dr. DeVine led me to the Future 
wing of the institute, I couldn't help 
but notice that she is an extremely at- 
tractive blonde with a tight, round ass, 
legs that won't quit and firm but ample 
breasts. So ample, in fact. that she re- 
ceived a full scholarship from MIT. 

At first I thought it was my imagi- 
nation, but when Dr. DeVine escorted. 
me into the virtual reality room, she 
scemed to be coming on to me. She al- 
lowed her bodacious breasts to brush 
against my face as she lowered me into 
the prototype of the Virtu-Screw 2000 
"How does that feel?” she cooed. 1 
didn't know if she was referring to the 
Naugahyde bucket seat or to the two 
erect nipples pushing through her 
white lab coat and nearly poking my 
eyes ош. 

Then Dr. DeVine placed the Virtu- 
Screw helmet over my head. Sitting in 
the pitch dark, I felt slightly vulnerable 
but also excited. She asked me which 
setting I wanted. Since Гуе been mar- 
ried 23 years, I naturally chose “blow 
job.” My chair abruptly tilted back- 


ward, and I “felt” my pants being un- 
zipped. IF T hadn't known I was sitting 
in the most state-of-the-art virtual real- 
ity sex machine, I would have sworn 
that a real woman's hand had pulled 
my cock from my pants 

My nervousness disappeared, and 1 
sat back and enjoyed the amazingly re- 
alistic cyber job. It was every bit as 
good as the last real blow job I had got- 
ten 23 years earlier—if not better—be- 
cause when I shot my wad, the virtual 
mouth swallowed. 

After Dr. DeVine took off my helmet, 
she said she was parched and suggest- 
ed we get something to drink in the in- 
stitute's lunchroom, where we could 
discuss the societal implications of vir- 
tual reality sex. We agreed that sorne of 
the kinks had to be worked out, such as 
being able to select your own setting 
while you have the helmet on. Dr. De- 
Vine said that eventually the technolo- 
gy would enable men to see their “part 
ner" or "partners" and, further, choose. 
her or them. For example, a guy could 
do a threesome with Carmen Electra 
and Jennifer Lopez. 

When I expressed a concern that. 
once perfected, VRS could become ex- 
tremely addictive, Dr. DeVine's beauti- 
ful face darkened noticcably. She said 
she feels like Robert Oppenheimer 
must have felt working on the first 
atomic bomb. While VKS could be a 
godsend to millions of unattractive and 
socially awkward men, she worries that 
many, if not most, will want to spend all 
their time with their Virtu-Screws in- 
stead of going to work, playing with 
their children or doing volunteer work 
for their communities. 

Virtual reality sex, Dr. DeVine fears, 
will become the crack cocainc of the 
21st century. Why then was she con- 
tributing to the VRS project? She ex- 
plained that if the U.S. didn't devel- 
op the technology first, someone else 
would, and she shuddered just think- 
ing of VRS in the hands of the Chinese. 

1 found myself extremely attracted 
то the vulnerable side of this sexy 
entist, and when I offered to comfort 
her, she accepted, kissing me full on 
the lips and inserting her tongue into 
my mouth and moving it around sug- 
gestively. Then she reached down and 
started rubbing my crotch, and within 
just five or ten minutes my cock was 
again hard and ready for action. 

That's when Dr. DeVine took my 
hand in her other hand, and said, “IF 
you think VRS is the future. wait until 


le still rubbing my crotch, Dr 
DeVine led me through the Future 
wing to the Sexbot room. Once inside 
I was surprised to see a vinyl blow- 
up doll wearing crotchless panties. Dr. 


DeVine explained that the blow-up. 
doll was the prototype for the Sexbot, 
and scientists at the IPS keep her 
around to remind themselves just how 
far they have come and how far they 
have to go. 

And indeed they do have a long way 
to go. Гһе most current Sexbot proto- 
type, Connie, while quite attractive. has 
moving parts made of plastic and met- 
al alloys and is considered quite dan- 
gerous. In fact, as a futurist, Dr. De- 
Vine believes that the first Sexbots to 
hit the market will result in class-action 
suits filed by severely injured men. 

That's why Dr. DeVine urged me to 
forgo Connie and introduced me to 
Wilhelmina, a beautiful young Ger- 
man-born researcher who, while hu- 
man. more closely approximates the 
Sexbot of the 22nd century. Wilhelmi- 
na escorted me to a private room with 
a bed and removed her clothes. If this 
is what Sexbots vill look like a hundred 
years from now, 1 envy my great-great- 
grandsons. We made passionate love 
for two or three minutes before being 
joined by Dr. DeVine, who wanted to 
make the point that Sexbots will be 
used for threesomes. 

I could describe the incredible sex 
the three of us had, but this is a piece of 
journalism about the future of pornog- 
raphy and not one of those cheesy let- 
ters trom a horny reader. Suttice it to 
say that everyone came several times, 
except me, who came only once. 

As Dr. DeVine escorted me to the 
parking lot, I realized that we had real- 
ly only covered the first two centuries 
of the next millennium. Dr. DeVine 
said that while it is difficult to foresee 
beyond 200 years, most futurists be- 
lieve that the existence of intelligent 
life from another planet will be discov- 
ered sometime in the 23rd century. 

Dr. DeVine explamed that because 
of space-time limitations, which frankly 
I don't understand, actual contact with 
these creatures from another galaxy 
will not occur for another 400 years or 
so. In the meantime almost all pornog- 
raphy will involve fantasies of human- 
alien fornication. 

That takes us to the 27th century, 
when actual human-alien coupling will 
take place. By the 28th century most of 
mankind will be wiped out by an amaz- 
ingly virulent strain of venereal disease 
carried by the aliens. As a result, the 
surviving human race will become pu- 
ritanical and will shun pornography 
for the rest of the millennium: 

As I thanked Dr. DeVine, she again 
rubbed my crotch and asked me to tell 
readers that tours of the institute are 
available for $500. 


guinevene 
nude 


ribald classics: 
dirty stories From 
che latin and greek 


ARMOR- 


unsafe ac any speede 


slaying your 


OUTER dragons 


playboy picks: те viking 5 


CONTENTES 


Fashion— 

say no to scratchy wool. 

the геш spring collection 
From milano 

drınk— 

mulled mead! a honey of an ıdea 
foode— 

making the perfect porridge 
musicke— 

after chants, what? the new 
polyphony—progress or just 
plain noise? 

travel— 

holy Cand hot spots —dooke carly 
TROOMINT— 

ееешшш! what's that smell? 
Time to go Со dach! 

che plagdog 
stadle— 

From the off-road champ 
clydesdale Со the sporty, 
Fast-as-quicksilver arabian, 


here аке the new models of 
hayburners 


SQUIRCS аке 
talking aóouc— 
arabic numerals- better chan 
Roman numerals? тс just adds 
up. plus, it’s an easier way co 
keep track of popes and kings 
cadcecs— 

chain mail— noc really chain, 
noc really mail, buc crusaders 
зшсак by it 

che church's war 
on sex— 

part Ogocyn 

pigskin preview— 


fashion Forecast 


che ham shirt— 


202 time to hang it uppe? 


!LAYBOY ADVISOR 


ұ 1 UOULDST HAVE А СОАТЕ OF ARMS DESIGNED 


тое FOR MYSELF AND MY DESCENDANTS. COULDST YE 
| SUGGEST A REALLY SHARP MOTTO TO INSCRIBE THEREON? ~- 
| ВЕО., FLv-oN-BuNION 

“cis noc so much che тоссо itselfe but 
how ic looks in Cacin that ски makech che 
coate of arms a babe magnet.” since most 
Folks be illiterate, op cit, ibidem is as good 
as vini, vidi, vici. бис avoid ad nauscam. 

ШНАТ IS THIS NEU THING FROM FRANCE CALLED A DINNER 
ЕОйНЕ@-= В.М. HALF-BATH 

IC is а new device со keep che muccon 


grease off the Fingers when eating. тс 


j| takes a liccle pRaccice— punctured lips аке 


the biggest problem. like most things 
From France, ic sounds more interesting 
chan ic is. 

BEFORE A RECENT JOURNEY, | DID FIT MY GOODE WIFE WITH 
А CHASTITY BELT, BUT ОРОМ RETURNING, | DO FIND MY KEY 
IS LOST! COULD YOU TELL ME HOU | MIGHT PICH THE 
1оске--М.Т., TALIASHIRE 

If ‘cis an english belt, insert and turn 
hobnail Round until tuo clicks are heard and 
chen twist back. if a French belt, a mere 
сар of your Finger will open ic. obviously, 
no such belt is totally secure, зо co pRO- 
tect thy wife's chastity, we Recommend 
noc the belt but che club. and if chac shall 
Fail, che sword. 

IT BE MY FONDEST DESIRE THAT MY LADYE OF THE HOUSE 
APPLY HER DEAR MOUTHE TO MY LANCELOT, BUT THE VERY 
NOTION DOTH TUISTE HER FACE AND MAKE HER TO CRY OUT, 
“ch!” WHAT CANST | SAY TO HER THAT SHE MIGHT AGREE TO 
POLISH MY BEDPOST? —B.J. BOARSCROTUM 

во many men have posed chis ques— 
tion that we have compiled a list of 
the most popular entreaties: 

“how badly wouldst thee like that 
new биссек churn?” 

“a single swallow, say the druids, be 
a Fortnight's protection against 
demons and spells.” 

“never mind, ye couldst probably do 
ic ne'er so well as did your Faire sister.” 


Sees 


<; 


аса Y ~ ДА: 


gal 3 
NO 
VN 


* 


за 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: 


OLAF TRYGVESSON 


m 991 he was juste another marauding viking 
chieftain. бис in 994, he experienced а reli- 
gious conversion. now he lays claim co che 
throne of norway. what maketh chis born- 
For-che-Firsc-time christian cick? we sent 
our correspondent co Record These words: 

“defore т was baptized, my attitude toward 
england was, ‘gour ass be mine. also your ox, 
your cow, your sheep and your goat.’ since 
then туе chilled out. 8 a norse thing. 

“leif eriksson and i Flipped a coin. che winner 
got england, che loser had co Find his oun is- 
land to conquer. 1 won. poor bastard, he'll бе 
Forgotten in a year, whilst my name lives on in 
history bookes. there are history bookes, right?” 


ҢЕС» 
Er 
PARTYE JORES 
0: шћу did the chicken cross che Road? 

Я: co Flee che pox. 


wo young wenches walk into a crowded 

pub, without che company ор squires, and 

order a Flagon of mead. “and where might 
your husbandes be?” inquires che publican. “ше 
бе Free whice englishwomen and in need ор 
no husbandes, thank you all che same,” they 
replied. well, bless me if che lads at che bar. 
didn’t seize chem and puc chem co trial by ок— 
deal and chen burn chem as witches. 


PLAYBOY CLASSIC PUNCH LINE: 
“wait a minute. you said puc her in the ducking 
24 stool? 1 thought ye ваја..." 


at his mansion (chinke: castle 
wich plumbing), hef greets (ас 
сор) some ladies-done-waiting. 
middle left, james of саап cele- 
brates with a mead shooter. 


middie right, hef wich Ceonar— 
do of caprio, доссот, hef re- 
hearses passion play in his 
hoc—dubbling-water cauldron. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVE BOSWICK ANO DAVID VOIGT 


“Save room for те.” 


205 


PIMES Риш 


Kul 


a roundup of 1999’s delightful dozen 
WHO SHOULD BE THE 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR? 


Ts THE year 2000, and 

we're looking forward to 

another century of breath- 

taking girls next door. But 
first we must crown the premiere 
PMOY of the millennium. She will 
receive $100,000, a sporty new 
car and the chance to represent 
PLAYBOY around the globe. So 
who's it going to be? The rodeo 
phenom? The Seattle Sonics su- 
perfan? The auburn-haired mu- 
tual funds expert? The Moscow 
import? The Nevada-based yoga 
enthusiast? The detective-in- 
training? The best friend of Stacy 


Heather Kozor, our final PMOY of the 
millennium, is dying to know who will fill 
her shoes. Don't leave her hanging—call 
and cast your vote now. 


HELP US CHOOSE 


Sanches? The aspiring rock star? 
‘The straight-A student from Albu- 
querque? The broadcast journal- 
ist? The Canadian artist? The one 
with 13 siblings? As you know, our 
1999 candidates are a varied lot. 
Each has her own life, her own 
vibe, her own appeal. Singling out 
one isn’t easy. Which is why we 
need your help. Please review the 
group at the right, pick up the 
phone (each call costs $1, and you 
can call as many times as you like) 
and vote for the Playmate of your 
choice. The PMOY will star in an 


all-new pictorial in June. 


THE PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 
CALL YOUR FAVORITE PLAYMATE: 1-900-737-2299 


YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OLD OR OLDER, PLEASE. ONLY $1 PER CALL. 


Phone us—and your chosen Playmate—at the number above to register your preference for Playmate of the Year. 


When instructed, tap in the appropriate personal code: 
Miss May, 05; 
Miss November, 11; 


03; Miss April, 04; 
Miss October, 10; 


Miss June, 06; Miss July, 07; 
Miss December, 12. 


Miss January, 01; 
Miss August, 08; 
Call now. Polling ends February 29, 2000. 


Miss February, 02; Miss March, 
Miss September, 09; 


A product of Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Service not available in Canada. 


a Я 
MISS MARCH—03 
y ха 
( \ 
| - | AN 
ама, E AN КЕ ue 
MISS APRIL—04 MISS JUNE—06 


= f ЛЕ.” Ху ы 
MISS AUGUST—08 MISS SEPTEMBER—09 
2 er nz 
e 
A = в» 4 


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"а ң 
E >: J 
: & | ИР / 
E 2 > <-> p 


PF 
ж 3 y 
MISS OCTOBER—10 MISS NOVEMBER—11 MISS DECEMBER—12 


Miss April 
NATALIA SOKOLOVA 


Let's begin with our Russian 
import, a tall drink of vodka 
who overcame the odds of 
spending life in a wheelchair 
after a car accident when 
she was 17. Now 23, Natalia 
has become a global model- 

п. with photo 
shoots in Milan, Morocco 
and Miami. “I just signed 
with the Elite modeling 
agency in New York City,” 
Natali: I'm exploring 
the modeling world. but Im 
looking forward to going 
back to school. Га like to get 
my MBA from UCLA.” 


Miss August 


TNA ef 
REBECCA SCOTT 
Our rock-and-rolling Miss 
August is tuning up her act 
in Hawaii. doing a si 
month gig as nger in 
Playboy's Wet and Wild 
show. “Wet and Wild is a lot 
like a Las Vegas show,” she 
says. “Very MTVesque and 
cool.” Rebecca. who hi 
been passionate about ре! 
forming since she w: 
young girl, writes her own 
songs and aspires to be a fe- 
male Paul Rodgers (of Bad 
Company fame). What's 
next? Her own CD, due 
out later this year. 


Miss July 
JENNIFER ROVERO 


Born in Texas, Jennifer is 
now adjusting to life in Los 
Angeles. thanks to her new 

best friend, 1996 PMOY Sta- 
cy Sanches. “We met when 
we shared a room al Ше 
Mansion," Jennifer says. “It 
was like we'd known each 
other for years." Jennifer 
loves California, and when 
she's not surfing the Inter- 
net or dancing, she might be 
found hunched over her 
journal. "Deep passion 
comes out in my writing. 
Some things in my journal 
would blow people away.” 


Miss June 
KIMBERLY SPICER 


She earned our adoration 
with her sly smile and her 
diamond-studded belly ring. 
At 20. Kimberly is one of the 
youngest Playmates of 1999 
(Kristi Cline is four months. 
younger), but don't jump to 
conclusions: She knows 
what she wants. For now, 
it's basically the same life- 
style she had before we in- 
troduced her as Miss June. 
"Lappreciate everything I 
have—especially my friends 
and family,” Kimberly 

says. “Without them, 1 
wouldn't be here today.” 


Miss February 
STACY FUSON 


A few things have changed 
since you met Stacy Fuson: 
She no longer has a beau in 
France (settle down, fel- 
lows—she now has one in 
Washington) and she's old 
enough to gamble in Vegas. 
She's also on her way to be- 
coming a bona fide actress, 
with roles in two comedies: 
last summer's American Pie 
and the forthcoming The In- 
dependent, featuring Jerry 
Stiller. “I want to make more 
movies or land a TV series.” 
she reports. “I'm working 
hard to achieve that goal.” 


Miss March 


ALEXANDRIA 
KARLSEN 


This auburn-haired actress 
has adopted a 310 area code 
with the hope that living full- 
time in Los Angeles (instead 
of commuting from her 
hometown of Mesa, Arizona) 
will boost her career. It 
looks like Le plan is 
working: Besides appearing 
in sketches on the FX chan- 
ners The X Show, she can һе 
seen in an episode of Battle- 
dome on UPN. "I've also 
worked in Japan and C: 

da." the 21-year-old sa 

"The past year has jus 

been amazing.” 


Miss Janua ny 


JAIME BERGMAN 


ге you look—on 
on, in movies or 


5th Anniversary Play- 

mate. Her acting résumé 

boasts commercials (Diet 

Dr. Pepper. Isuzu). TV shows 

Beverly 

› many 

movies to mention. “I have a 

part in Any Given Sunday 

and a role in The Chosen 

One.” shes 

vorite gig w: 

great. There I was, acting on 

a show I grew up watching.” 


Miss May 


ІЛІК 
ШЕШІ) 
there's no 
such thing as a sure thing. 
iss May comes dam 
ill a desert re: 


want to get modeling out of 
my system." she says. "Then 
I would like to finish getting 
my degree in naturopathic 
medicine and metaphysics. 
After | turn 25, I'm going 

to roam Nepal and India 
and experience the cultures 
and people. And eventu- 
ally I would like to be a 
successful mother." 


Miss November 


CARA WAKELIN 


Toronto's finest. ill 
amazed at the opportuniti 
bestowed on her since she 
became a Playmate. "I was 
5о nervous the first time I 
met Hef. I couldn't believe I 


was shaking his hand, much 


less eating dinner with him, 
Cara says. Besides breaking 
bread with a legend, she has 
modeled for Miller beer and 
bonded with her Playmate 
Lers. "Jodi Ann Patei 

and I have the same goal: 

she says. "We're thinking 
about living together 

in Los Angeles.” 


Miss September 
KRISTI CLINE 


When Kristi hopped aboard 
the Playmate 2000 bus dur- 
ing our nationwide search 
he had no ide 

she would wind up as a Cen- 
terfold. “I tried out as a 
joke,” і confesses. But 
things turned out in her fa- 
vor, and now she's reaping 
the payeoy perks, including 
an appearance in the video 
Playmates at Play. Kristi has 
even put her premed plans 
on hold to devote her time 
to being a Playmate. “I had a 
blast at the Playboy Expo,” 

“It was the neatest.” 


I 


m 


Miss October 
JODI ANN PATERSON 


“It Kills me when people 
have opportunities and don't 
take them,” i 

“When I say Гтп going to do 
something, 1 do 

tober received a degree in 
speech communications 
from Oregon State t 

ty, where she worked at the 


mate status as 
a serious PR job. “1 fell in 
love with public speakin, 
when I won my first beauty 
pageant,” she says. “I love 
representing PLAYBOY.” 


Miss December 


BROOKE RICHARDS 


And, finally, it’s Miss Decem- 
ber, the youngest of 14 chil- 
dren. “As the baby. I got a lot 
of attention,” she say 
what makes her stand out? 
Maybe it’s her creativi 
high school, she was presi- 
dent of the National Art 
Honor Society. Maybe it's 
her independence. 71 do 
my own thing,” she за; 
Or maybe it's her idea 
of romance: “I love Decel 
ber because when it's 
cold and you're naked, well. 
there's something very 
sexy about that.” 


218 


5 HISTORIANS look back on the 
innovations that shaped and 
influenced our lives this cen- 


tury, television, radio and the automo- 
bile will get plenty of play. Those were 
big things. A few people's lives were af- 
fected. Likewise computers, X rays, the 
telephone—you can't imagine the past 
100 years without them. 

But there's other stuff, too, less her- 
alded inventions that have had, in their 
own quiet ways, surprisingly profound 
effects on our everyday lives. Here are 
a few of them: 


RECLINER 

Encouraging the supine posture of 
a Roman emperor, the recliner is not 
simply a place to sit but a retreat. As 
women's lib endangered the traditional 
nesting places of men, a man needed to 
preserve a sanctuary in his own home. 
Positioned directly in front of the TV, 
the recliner became that sanctuary—a 


kind of tree house in the living room, 
allowing a man to stay home and hide 
in plain sight. 

ZIPPER 

The modern zipper was refined by 
Gideon Sandback in the early part of 
the century. It vas first dubbed a 
per when В.Е Goodrich introduced it 
on rubber boots in 1923. It soon found 
a more wanton home in the boudoir, as 
inspiration for that intoxicating phrase, 
"zip me up, would yov, darling?" But 
what makes the zipper such an integral 
part of the century is its capacity to be 
unzipped. The very word unzip is ono- 
matopoeic, an intimate story; "un" rep- 
resents her making the decision, “2” is 
the sound of the downward trajectory 
of the clasp and "ip" is her gleeful sur- 
prise at what pops out. 


CORDLESS DRILL 
Its shape and capabilities make a do- 


mestic cowboy of any man who carrics 


one. Like Paladin or Bat Masterson, a 
man packing a cordless drill becomes a 
gun for hire, putting fear in the heart 
of the drywall, making studs quiver in 
their joints. 

PHILLIPS-HEAD SCREW 

This tiny refinement, invented by 
Henry Phillips in the Thirties, trans- 
formed manufacturing. Machines could 
screw! And once they could, like a dog 
licking its balls, they haven't stopped. 
The Phillips also gave the domestic 
handyman more margin for error 
when he was screwing. Get the driver 
even close to the crotch of the screw 
and it engages, slipping into place as if 
by magic. It stays neatly nestled in the 
groove until the screwing is complete. 


CAR RADIO 

Cars transíormed America. The ra- 
dio transformed the car. Developed 
by William Lear, the jet designer who 
also gave us (continued on page 264) 


с 


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qostoMpn 


WI ol) а 
[s] xam 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGEGEORGOU 


Rupert Everett 


PLAYBOY'S 


200 


hollywood's postmodern leading man on julia rob- 
erts, growing up with monks and flying with his dog 


/ n the early Eighties, Rupert Everett 
made his reputation playing handsome 


brooders in films such as Another Country 
and Dance With a Stranger. If the script 
called for a chiseled profile and a sullen dis- 
position, Everett topped the list. But a sharp 
left turn into comedy changed all that. After 
roles in the The Madness of King George 
and the madcap Dunston Checks In, Everett 
nearly stole the show as a gay editor and Ju- 
lia Roberts’ fake fiancé in My Best Friend's 
Wedding. Since then the 40-year-old actor 
has made the most of his second go-round, 
co-writing screenplays (one reteams him with 
Roberts; in another he plays a gay secret 
agent) and publishing two novels, Hellu 
Darling, Are You Working? and The Hair- 
dressers of San Tropez. He's working оп а 
third, Guilt Without Sex: A Jewish Best- 
seller. He's also featured in А Midsummer 
Night’s Dream, Inspector Gadget (with Mat- 
thew Broderick) and The Next Best Thing 
(which he rewrote) opposite Madonna. Con- 
tributing Editor David Rensin met with 
Everett over lunch in Beverly Hills. Says 
Rensin: "Rupert is quick, opinionated, ar- 
ticulate and doesn't hesitate to tell an inter- 
viewer when a question bolhers him. Even 
more unusual, particularly in Hollywood, is 
that he wasn't afraid to admit that he didn't 
know the first thing about programming his 
new cellular phone.” 


1 


PLAYBOY: You have just ordered free- 
range chicken. What do you suppose 
free-range really means? Does the bird 
get to experience unfettered chicken- 
hood before it ends up on your plate? 
EVERETT: No. Free-range means living 
in a two-foot box rather than a one-foot 
box, and not having its legs tied down. 
A friend of mine who used to work in a 
illing factory told me that most 
chickens are held down by their legs 
the whole time. The idea of a chick- 
en ducking around a Heidi-esque farm 
in New England while some old bag 
throws corn and goes, “Chickie, chick- 
ie" is an utter fantasy. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY HERB RITTS 


2 


PLAYBOY: Speaking of fantasies, after My 
Best Friend's Wedding, your co-star Julia 
Roberts expressed an interest in work- 
ing with you again, so you wrote a 
script called Martha and Arthur. From a 
screenwriter's perspective, how do you 
write specifically for Julia? What is the 
film about? 

EVERETT: What I like about Julia in My 
Best Friend's Wedding is that she can get 
away with being subversive. Julia can 
play someone quite malicious and be 
nastier than other actresses could in 
that role and still be likable. Look at 
her face: From her forehead and eyes 
she looks high-strung like a racchorse, 
like a filly that could bolt. Go lower 
and she's more easygoing. That mix- 
ture makes her fascinating, and when I 
write for her I think about employing 
both qualities. In Martha and Arthur 1 
want Julia's character to run the gam- 
ut. I want her to be a bitch, | want to 
see the fur fly. I also want to see that 
heart-dissolving smile, her vulnerabil- 
ity, that beauty. Martha and Arthur is 
about two Hollywood movie stars who 
are always on the cover of People maga- 
zine. They're America's favorite cou- 
ple. He's an action star; she's a little 
Miss America beauty. He's also gay and 
they re living a lie, though not in the 
sense that they don't have a real rela- 
tionship. It's just not sexual. It's a story 
about people who get locked into their 
image and end up with a marriage that 
becomes bigger than they arc. It's what 
quite often happens in Hollywood. 
And ten years down the line, they've 
kind of lost touch with the reality of 
who they are because the publicists’ 
version is in its place. 


3 


pravsow: How have the movies steered 
us wrong about love? 

EVERETT: Relationships have become 
a weird thing since cinema began. “I 


need you" and “I want you" are now 
classic expressions of love. But neither 
is actually about love. They are both 
about possession. Love is a bigger 
thing. It's about accepting. It's uncon- 
ditional. It's not about what you сап 
get out of it. Our 20th century obses- 
sion with "me" has taken us away from 
what relationships are meant to be 
about, or can be about. That's why in 
Martha and Arthur the characters can 
have a perfecily delightful relationship 
despite their sexual differences. A mod- 
ern homosexual man can have an af- 
fair with a heterosexual woman. May- 
be it's a blossom that lasts only one 
night, like one of those exotic flowers 
in the Caribbean, but it reveals that hu- 
mankind is much more malleable than 
society wants to own up to. We're not as 
defined as we think. That's the great 
thing about the film Greystoke. You can 
be an English duke one day and the 
next day you're number three in a 
monkey family. There are interesting 
possibilities in life that we resist be- 
cause of our endless obsession with pi- 
geonholing. As such, we too are like 
free-range chickens. We live in a slight- 
ly larger box, but it's still a box. 


4 


PLAYBOY: You once said that in Holly- 
wood it’s a bonus to be stupid and good- 
looking because you can plow on with- 
out questioning yourself. Do you think 
self-consciousness is overrated? Are 
our brains too big? 

EVERETT: I just think it's best not to be 
able to analyze rejection too much. The 
best attitude toward rejection—and ac- 
face rejection all the time—is just 
nk it out. If you look too deep 
you're opening a huge can of worms 
because your feelings of security are re- 
lated to so many other things. In Hol- 
Iywood, insecurity is as smelly as the 
smelliest fart. You have to retain a be- 
licf in yourself as a product. Think- 
ing too much (continued on page 258) 


221 


THE EDITOR OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS MAGAZINE 
EXPLAINS WHY WARS, MASSACRES AND UPHEAVALS 
ALWAYS CATCH US OFF GUARD 


ONFLICT and disor- 
der around the 
globe seem con- 
stant, and all too 
often each new 
event comes as a 
surprise to nation- 
al leaders. No won- 
der. Policymakers are caught off guard. 
because of a Western conceit that the 
Cold War's end was definitive for ev- 
eryone and therefore should have 
produced a peace dividend. For much 
of the world, this is not a post-Cold 
War era but rather a postcolonial 
one marked by continuing struggles to 
throw off the social, economic and ter- 
ritorial bonds forged earlier by West- 
ern masters. 

Colonial-era decisions lie just below 
the surface of current discord in Kash- 
mir, Indonesia, Africa, Central Asi 
the Middle East and the Balkans. Past. 
imperial humiliations are also key to 
understanding the obsessive sover- 
eignty concerns of China and other 
rising powers at a time when the West 
is becoming less nationalistic. 
cally, the disappearance of the 
Soviet challenge cleared the way for 
the complaints and ambitions of less- 
er states and ethnic groups still ag- 
grieved by their colonial heritage. And 
it heightened their suspicion of the 
one remaining superpower, the U.S. 

‘The potency of postcolonial strife is 


JAMES HOGE 


enhanced by a historic rebalancing of 
power that as yet is little under 
For five centuries, the West's economic 
and technological strength prevailed 
Although still in an early stage, the 
East is now rising despite setbacks such 
as 1997's Asian financial crisis. This 
tectonic shift adds muscle to the up- 
heavals that we find so bewildering. 

From the eastern Mediterranean to 
the far Pacific, nations—indeed whole 
civilizations that once were powerful— 
are reasserting themselves, As was true 
for the West in an earlier era, the non- 
Western world is finding that industri- 
ation disrupts traditional social or- 
ler. It leads to cultural and ethnic 
clashes. For many of the unsettled, na- 
tionalism becomes a haven. And inse- 
cure but ambitious states grow their 
militaries. Missiles, nuclear devices, bi- 
ological and chemical weapons—all 
are being pursued by some Arab, Per- 
sian and Asian states. 

Postcolonial grievances color the 
way American intentions and actions 
are judged. Thus, as non-Western 
states strengthen, they pay less heed to 
restraining policies that have worked 
for the past quarter century. El 
goes, arms-control measures and mor- 
al restraints carry less sting. And the 
United Nations and other internation- 
al ins ns that mirror the power 
configuration of World War П victors 
are increasingly (continued on page 267) 


COLLAGE BY WINSTON SNITH 


224 


LISTS of the CENTURY 


(continued from page 137) 

Mysteries Cracked 

Woodward and Bernstein follow the 
money 

Alan Turing breaks the Nazi code 

Watson and Crick map DNA 

Howard Carter opens Tut's tomb 

Discovery of George Mallory's body 
on Everest 


Mysteries That Endure 

What happened to Amelia Earhart? 

Who shot JFK? 

What were the Watergate burglars 
after? 

Who was Deep Throat? 

What happened to O.J.'s knife and 
clothes? 

Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried? 

Who killed Malcolm X? 

What did Sophia Loren see in Carlo 
Ponti? 


Bowdlerizers 

Will Hayes (whose Hayes Code took 
the fun out of movies) 

Joseph McCarthy 

Anthony Comstock 

Ed Meesc 

Cardinal Spellman, 

Catholic League of Decency 

Donald Wildmon 

Phyllis Schlafly 

Disney Co. 

U.S. Army press relations team in Op- 
eration Desert Storm 


The Jazz Ageless List 
Ella Fitzgerald 
Mel Tormé 

Frank Sinatra 
Louis Armstrong 
O'Day 

Billie Holiday 
John Coltrane 
Ornette Coleman 
Dizzy Gillespie 

Bix Beiderbecke 
Charlie Parker 
Miles Davi 
Duke Ellington 
Count Basie 


Best Songwriters of the Century 
Cole Porter 

Bob Dylan 

Hank Williams 

Irving Berlin 

Harold Arlen 

Smokey Robinson 

Billy Strayhorn 

George Gershwin 

Stephen Sondheim 


Best Motorized Moments 

Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk 

Apollo 13 

Steve McQueen jumps the fence in 
The Great Escape 

Chuck Yeager breaks sound barrier 


Patton's corps streaks across France to 
relieve Bastogne 

Gene Hackman's car chase in The 
French Connection 


Why the Third Time Is Never a Charm 
The Third Reich 

The Godfather 

Ed Koch 


Why the Fourth Time Isn't Either 
Buffalo Bills 

Police Academy 

Cher 

Star Wars 

FDR 


Anonymous People Who Changed the 
World 

Gavrilo Princip—assassinated Arch- 
duke Ferdinand 

Tim Berners-Lee—inventor of the 
World Wide Web 

John Rock—co-invented the pill 

Harley Earl—designed tail fins, food 
in aerosol cans, roll-on deodorant and 
Fig Newtons 

Oliver Sipple—prevented Sara Jane 
Moore from assassinating Gerald Ford 

Nguyen Ngoc Loan—South Vietnam- 
ese police chief who executed suspected 
Viet Cong on the street 

Karl Landsteiner—discovered blood 


uventor of the pa- 
per clip 

Willis Carrier—the father of air- 
conditioning 

Hiram Maxim—inventor of the silenc- 
er; patron saint of hit men 

John E. Mahoney—doctor who cham- 
pioned use of penicillin for syphilis 

Gaetan Dugas—Patient Zero; first per- 
son recognized as transmitter of AIDS 

Fernan Petiot—bartender who mixed 
up first bloody mary 

Dr. Albert Hoffinan—inventor of LSD 


Best Little Helpers 
Valium 


Prozac 
Multivitamins 
Green M&Ms 
Minithins 


Stand-Up Guys 
George Carlin 
Bob Newhart 
Bill Cosby 

Mel Brooks 
Johnny n 
Richard Pryor 
Lenny Bruce 
Robin Williams 


Steve Martin 
Jerry Seinfeld 
Mort Sahl 


Actresses We Love 
Ingrid Bergman 
Greta Garbo 
Meryl Streep 
Bette Davis 
Katharine Hepburn 
Julianne Moore 
Michelle Pfeiffer 
Jodie Foster 
Marilyn Monroe 
Susan Sarandon 


Best Rock-and-Roll Moments 

Jerry Lee Lewis marries his teenage 
cousin 

James Brown records Live at the Apollo 

Beatles come to America 

Pete Townshend smashes his guitar 

“Judas!” “I don't believe you. You're a 
liar!” 

Jimi Hendrix lights guitar on fire 

Rolling Stone's first issue 

Woodstock 

Bronx DJs invent hip-hop 

Summer of the Sex Pistols 

MIV 

Michael Jackson moonwalks at Mo- 
town's 25th anniversary special 

Zappa testifies before Congress 

Courtney reads Kurt's letter 

Lollapalooza 

Lou Reed plays the White House 


Who Could Have Imagined? 
Peeled baby carrots 
ATMs 

Four-car garages 
Starbucks 

Interstate highway system 
Salad in a bag 

PCs everywhere 

WWE 

Blow-driers 


Nine Ways You Might Have Gotten Rich if 
You Hadn't Been So Busy Watching TV 

Berkshire Hathaway 

Selling arms to Nicaragua 

Manhattan real estate 

Arkansas cattle futures 

Microsoft 

Pfizer 

Amazon.com 

In a word, plastics 

Sleeping with the Sultan of Brunei 


Five Reasons to Be Sick of Millennial Lists 

No photos for the first 800 years 

A] Bundy isn't on any of them 

Who needs to be reminded of the sig- 
nificance of paper clips and tampons? 

If you take the time to read all of 
them, you'll be halfway through the next 
millennium 

Can't relive an or 


A Jaf 
ea ae 74 4 


"At long last, Grandfather, you've brought me to see the nutcracker.” 


226 


Smut Talk 

(continued from page 164) 
throat told me that I'd be snuffling and 
coughing and attachment free. I was 
lucky it had held off this long. 

A Folk asked, “How are you versatile? 
Male with male? With sexual immature? 
Outside species?” 

Sfillirrath asked, “Triads?” 

“You've been reading the tabloids,” 1 
guessed. 

Jehaneh said primly, “All of that has 
been known to happen. We discour- 
age it.” 

“There are legends,” I said. “Old sto- 
ries that weren't written down until cen- 
turies after they were made. Mermaids 
were half woman, half sea life d 

“And mermen,” she said 

“Jehaneh, those are modern,” I said. 
"When sailors were all men, mermaids 
were all women with fish tails and won- 
derful voices." 

Jehaneh asked, "Are you an anthro- 
pologist, Rick?" 

“Sure.” 

“In what discipline? What is your 
education?” 

I'd been lecturing on her turf. My 


head throbbed, the day's low-level head- 
ache lurching into high gear. I must 
have caught what Gail and Herman had 
stayed home with. 

I reeled off some of my credits. “If 
you're an anthropologist, you might con- 
sider working here for a year or so. We 
rotate fairly frequently, and both my 
steadies are out at the moment——" 

“No, I'm a bacteriologist.” 

Bacteriologist? How was 1 going to get 
closer to a bacteriologist? I was trying to 
plan for the long range . . . and the aliens 
weren't following this at all. 

I said, “We humans, we do seem wired 
up to mate with strangers, outside the 
tribe. At least in fiction, yeah, Jehaneh, 
we'd mate with anything. Fairies were 
powerful aliens, nearly human, not very 
well described. Humans with goat horns 
or animal heads, goat legs, fish tails, 
wings. Some were that tall,” hands eight 
inches apart, “others the size of moun- 
tains. Spirits in trees and pools of water, 
angels and devils and gods from various 
myths and religions, they all mated with 
human beings in some stories. I'm tell- 
ing you what's buried in our instincts. 
We don't always act on our instincts.” 1 
realized I was rambling. 


“Now that’s good mistletoe!” 


“Rick, do you have any visual aids 
about? 

1 gaped. Jehaneh's smile seemed inno- 
cent, but the question was impish. 

“I don't think so." А raunchy thought 
crossed my mind. “Did you want a 
demonstration?" 

“1 don't think you'll be up for that,” 
Jehaneh said. 

“No, not tonight . . . flu.” 

She shook her head. "Invader. 1 camc 
here to keep it confined." 

Confined. Invader. Bacteriologist. A 
murky truth congealed: I didn't have the 
flu. Some alien disease had come with 
the chirpsithra ship. I started to say some- 
thing to Jehaneh, tried to stop myself, 
and found my thoughts running away. 

The Wahartht leapt to the table, then 
the wall. He scuttled toward an upper 
window, his 36 fingers finding purchase 
where there was none. Jehaneh reached 
into her purse. 

In that moment's distraction I turned 
to run—wondered what 1 was doing— 
and every muscle locked in terror. Not 
even my scream could get out. The god- 
damned flu was thinking with my brain! 

Jehaneh aimed her purse. The Wa- 
hartht fell, stunned. I saw it all from the 
corner of my eye. 1 couldn't turn my 
head to watch. 

Jehaneh reached forward and turned 
off my translator. She spoke into her 
own. “Bring them 

I couldn't lift my arms. Escape was im- 
possible: The host was fighting me. My 
head was beating like a big drum. 

Sfillirrath’s long, fragile arms set a сар 
ОҒ metal mesh on my head. She spoke 
into her own translator. It was a chirp 
make, crudely rewired. I heard, but not 
with my ears and not in any language of 
Earth, "For your life, you must speak.” 

1 chose not to answer. 

“Two armored men took charge of the 
Wahartht. One took his breather and 
dropped it into a bag and sealed it, and 
set another on h 

Gail and Herman came in. They bent 
above me, looking worried. Gail said, 
"Rick? You're very sick. We were too, but 
they cured ug” 

“Don't agree to anything!" Herman 
said fiercely. “Not unless you want to 
make medical " 

Sfillirrath spoke. “See you these hu- 
mans. You took them for hosts some 
days ago, you and your Wahartht pawn 
Your colonies bred too fast for their 
health. In another day they would have 
killed them, but human defenders act- 
ed first. Most of your colonies on the 
ship are dead too. How did you reward a 
Wahartht, to make him betray 

I said, not with my voice, 


п does not leave him alert and 
do.” 

“And what fool would assume that 
sapient beings cannot fight bacterial in- 
vasion? It may be that you, indeed, are 


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227 


PLAYBOY 


228 


not truly sapient." 

Stung, I answered, "Am a star-travel- 
ing species. Hold many worlds." 

“Your number in the host is?" 

"Currently ten to the ninth operators, 
one entity. Operators are not sapient, 
not me." 

"Breed to ten times as many, entity be- 
comes smarter?” 

"Only a little." 

"But too many for host. Rick Schu- 
mann would die. Kill host—is that 
intelligent?" 

The voice in my mind asked, “Fool, do 
you expect intelligence to stop an enti- 
ту from breeding?" 1 thought that was 
a funny remark, so I whispered, “Ask 
any elected official." 

Gail said, “Rick, the chirp liner is still 
near the moon. The point was to get ай 
the tourists into closed-cycle life support 
and not start a panic on Earth. There's a 
sapient microscopic life-form loose. This 
rogue Wahartht has been leaning over 
our drinks with his breather on, distrib- 
uting the bacterium as a powder form. 
Normally, it spreads as a, um, a social 


disease. Under proper circumstances it 
is a civilized entity, not especially trust- 
worthy, but it can be held to contacts. 
Butasa disease it could ravage the Earth.” 

1 could barely blink. 

“We can make treaties with sapient 
clusters of the bacteria. That's you. Some 
species can't tolerate it at all, and some 
clusters won't negotiate. Some aliens 
won't volunteer as carriers, either. Her- 
man and me, we would have. Hell, we're 
grad students! But there wasn't time. 
They rushed us to Medical and shot us 
full of sulfa drugs." 

Sfillirrath had gone on talking. 
"There is a chemical approach to halt 
your cell division. Antibiotics would kill 
you enürely, as they have killed your 
other colonies. Which will you have?" 

I felt terror from both sides of my 
mind. "If my operators do not fission, 
still they die. When the numbers drop 


you empathy with your host.” 
“Monster, pervert! What would you 
know of empathy? I will accept the 


“Now we come to the real meaning of Christmas.” 


contraceptive.” 

“You must buy it," Sfillirrath said cool- 
ly. “This first dose is our gift.” 

Чевапей, give him the first shot." 

“Two boosters to come, else the sulfa 
drugs. We will discuss terms.” 

Jehaneh pulled down my belt and 
pushed a hypodermic needle into the 
gluteal muscle. I barely felt the sting. 

1 listened to Sfillirrath's terms, and 
agreed to them. They included mea- 
sures for the health of my host. My host 
was to be treated for arthritis, cholesterol 
buildup, distorted eyesight, a Knee in- 
jury and flawed teeth. I was not to make 
colonies without permission of a will- 
ing host. Jehaneh offered herself as a 
host, under rigidly defined conditions, 
and I agreed to those terms. Xenologists 
of many species would interview me 
periodically. 

I was feeling more lucid. When 1 
could stand, they took me to Medical. 


Morning. I lay on a Па plate with a 
sensor array above me. l'd never seen 
the Draco Tavern medical facility from 
this viewpoint. 

I felt wonderful. Rolled out of bed and 
did a handstand, something I hadn't 
done in some time. 

Jehaneh caught me at it. “I'm glad to 
see you're up to exercise," she said. 
"What do you remember?" 

“First Mu, then invasi 10w it's an 
embassy. Jehaneh, It's thinking 
with my brain. I think it has the hots for 
you, but that could just be me.” 

“We agreed that I'll take a colony from 
you. Remember?” 

“No. That sounds risky! Jehanch, it 
would be like being an ambassador to, 
well, Iraq.” 

“They do build embassies in Iraq 
said, “and tl 
gence. What might I learn?” 

"Huh. Your choice. And it'll fix ——" I 
was remembering more of the negotia- 
tions. “1 thought I was in pretty good 
health, but it wants to do a lot of fixing. 
To show how useful it can be. You're the 
brain it really wants." 

“Do you recall that it's a sexually 
transmitted, um, entity?" 

I did. I leered. 

She paused, then asked, "We've both 
had the usual blood tests, yes? Our guest 
would fix that anyway. Do you have 
room for me here? [ust until I can get in- 
fected." She didn't like that word. "Colo- 
nized," she amended herself. 

*Positively. Maybe 1 can talk you into 
staying longer. My bed has onc or two 
uncarthly entertainment features, And if 
100 breeds of alien are going to be inter- 
viewing your guest, well, the Draco Tav- 
ern has the best communication and life- 
support systems on Earth." 

She smiled. “We'll see.” 


By JOHN D. THOMAS 


Sure they're small, but throughout Hollywood hi 


ory little people have often loomed 


large. With the mighty impact that the shagadelic Mini-Me (Verne Troyer) had at the box of- 
fice in The Spy Who Shagged Me, it seemed the right time to give credit where credit is due. 


Freaks (1932): This spooky horror clossic 
revolves oround on oristocratic circus 
dwarf named Hons (Harry Eorles] who 
falls hord for a full-size trapeze ortist 
When the big gal stobs him in the bock, 
the freaks unite against her. The morol: | 
Little men cen hove big tempers. 


The Terror of Tiny Town 
{1938): The first, only 
опа probably lost oll- 
midget musical West- 
ern extravaganza. 


Willy Wonka and the Chocolate 
Factory (1971): Mr. Wonka had the 
sweet ideas in Roald Dahl's children's. 
classic, but it wos the Oompoh- 
Loompchs who made the factory sing 


High Plains Drifter (1972): Billy Curtis, who 
also appeared in The Wizard of Oz ond The 
Terrar of Tiny Town, ploys the crucial role of 
the uppity sheriff Mardecai in ane of Clint 
Eastwood's best Westerns. 


Footlight Parade/Gold Dig- 
gers of 1933 (1933): Billy 
Borty got his breakthrough 
in these Busby Berkeley mu 
sicals as а lascivious tiny 
terror. The phatograph at 
right is fram а number in 
Footlight Parade colled 
Honeymoon Hotel 


Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged 
Me (1999): As Mini-Me—the bird-flip- 
ping, scrotum-chomping miniature 
clone of Dr. Evil—Verne Troyer proves 
that when it comes lo world (ond box- 
office) domination, size doesn’t mot- 
tor. He's largo ond in chergo. 


The Wizard of 01 (1939): 
Ozalagist Stephen Cox 
calls the Munchkin scene 
"one of the mast enchont- 
ing sequences ever en- 
cased in celluloid." The 
actors wha played the 
Munchkins got a bod rap 
ofter Judy Gorland called 
them “little drunks” in 
1967, but that scucy ru- 
mor hos since been 
Squelched. 


The Man With the Golden Gun (1974): 
He was a novelty on TV's Fantasy Island, 
but Herve Villechoize steols the show in 
this overblown James Bond coper. As 
the cackling, sadistic servant Nick Nock, 
Villechaize goes atter 007 and almost 
gets his man. 


Stor Wars (1977) 
One af the biggest 
roles in one of the 
world's biggest films 
was ployed by Kenny 
Baker. The 38 Brit 
actor, who also cp- 
peared in the cult 
film Time Bandits, 
was the топ inside 
that cantankerous, 
squawking bucket of 
holts, R2-D2 


229 


Y 


o 


PLASYR 


230 


CENTERFOLOS DF THE CENTURY 


(continued from page 107) 
of imagination. Ever since then, I write 
with a PLAYBOY open on my desk. 

Centerfolds have sparked a lot of use- 
ful alpha in the past 45 years or so—in- 
tense and invaluable relationships have 
grown between viewer and viewee. Of 
course, your favorite Centerfold will not 
be mine and certain women fit their his- 
torical moments more aptly than oth- 
ers—ir's a long cultural journey from 
Janet Pilgrim to Jenny McCarthy. And a 
few, like Marilyn, are eternal. But all, to 
some degree, recharge and refurbish the 
men that look at them. 

The chosen women who appear on 
these pages are not just pin-ups, they are 
our muses. Whether on the bulkhead of 
an aircraft carrier, in a college frat house 
or in the locker room of a coal mine, 
these are the gorgeous images that 
have drawn out and nurtured the Amer- 
ican male's creative energy for almost 
50 years. 

100. Think as you begin. Shae Marks, 
Miss May 1994, lissome, sunny, stunning 
as an oil field blowout. Shae Marks is, 
well, shy. СТ ат very insecure.") As you 
flip through the photographs of these 
100 beautiful women, remember that 
they're human: young, yearning—not 
yet goddesses, perhaps even a little skit- 
tish. In fact, they're just like you, only 
a whole lot better-looking. Remember 
that: It'll help your imaginary relation- 
ship along 

99. Jean Bell, Miss October 1969, was 


a walking ad for the "black is beautiful" 
era. She enjoyed a brief film career (The 
Choirboys, TN.T. Jackson), but was best 
known for a celebrated 18-month love 
affair with Richard Burton. 

98. Miss May 1996, Shauna Sand, has 
eyes as bright as acetylene headlights 
and an abdomen you could bounce a 
silver dollar off of. Her marriage to ac- 
tor Lorenzo Lamas inspired a Playmate 
spread in which thebride wore white lin- 
gerie. She became a regular on her hus- 
band's TV show Renegade. 

97. Julie Woodson, the color of soy 
sauce poured on a plate of dim sum, 
walked off the set of Super Fly when 
asked to do a nude love scene (insuffi- 
cient pay), which led her to pLaysoy. An 
airline attendant turned actress, Miss 
April 1973 has hair black and explosive 
as the flak over Schweinfurt, and a haunt- 
ing, mysterious face that belongs at Abu 
Simbel. 

96. Miss December 1966 Susan Ber- 
nard was, so to speak, the child of Cen- 
terfolds. Her father, Bernard of Holly- 
wood, photographed Marilyn Monroe, 
among other celebrities. Susan appeared 
in the Russ Meyer classic Faster, Pussycat! 
Kill! Kill, married (and divorced) actor 
and writer Jason Miller and wrote a 
book called Joyous Motherhood. 

95. Miss September 1997 Nikki Schi 
ler has more pulse points in her magnif- 
icent body than all the rest of us put to- 
gether. Nikki is so radiant you could film 
her with the head cleaner cassette. A self- 
described Norwindian (part Norwegian, 
part American Indian), Nikki is married 


e UINNESS Y s< Ж 
S е Records 4 


“This is the 30th call Гое gotten this morning claiming 
the first fuck of the millennium.” 


10 lan Ziering of Beverly Hills 90210. 

94. A former Miss Denmark, Elsa So- 
rensen (Miss September 1956) married 
and divorced singer Guy Mitchell and 
became a popular model in the Fifties 
under the names Dane Arden and Alisa 
Davi 

93. Miss November 1975 Janet Lupo 
was a Hoboken, New Jersey native 
whose free-flowing chestnut hair and 
memorably buoyant 39-inch chest made 
her a hippie deity. She still visits the 
Playboy Mansion, and on one recent oc- 
casion was grabbed by an overzealous 
monkey. We can't blame him. 

92. "I've been in some of the most fab- 
ulous backyards in Los Angeles," said 
Miss October 1972 Sharon Johansen. No, 
she was not a traveling barbecue chef— 
she was a Beverly Hills dog trainer, a ca- 
reer that soon found her hanging with 
Hollywood's most celebrated citizenry. 
Sharon went on to launch a TV career, 
and in recent years was known as “the 
Hugo Girl” for her work on the Giorgio 
men's fragrance. 

91. The Playmate portfolio of Miss 
July 1973 Martha Smith looks the way 
а mai tai tastes: refreshingly sweet, yet 
exotic—with a kick. Blonde and bedaz- 
zling, Martha said she wanted to be a 
film director, but Hollywood insisted she 
stay on the other side of the lens. Her fa- 
mous lingerie scene in Animal House 
earned her spots on a variety of TV se- 
ries, soaps and game shows, Today the 
Michigan beauty works in real estate in 
California 

90. Fawna MacLaren's turn-ons— 
“champagne, oysters and lovemaking 
that lasts all night"—make her sound 
like a sexual enterprise zone. The Elle 
cover girl, who has worked more cat- 
walks than a veterinarian—from France 
to Senegal—entered rLAYEOY's 35th An- 
niversary Playmate search and became 
Miss January 1989. 

89. With a complexion like fine suede 
and hair bent on sweet anarchy, 
June 1980 Ola Ray spent her teen years 
in Japan, performing R&B numbers with 
her brothers in the clubs of Tokyo's Gin- 
za district. She appeared with Michael 
Jackson in his Thriller video and with Ed- 
die Murphy in 48 Hours 

88. With the face of an innocent home- 
coming queen, with Chiclet teeth and 
high-beam eyes, posed atop a raunchy 
body from the wrong side of the tracks, 
Miss October 1987 Brandi Brandt is the 
daughter of veteran LA rocker Brie 
Howard. She was married for a time to 
Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx. 

87. Miss March 1965 Jennifer Jackson 
was the Jackie Robinson of Playmates: 
PLAYBOY'S first black Centerfold. In her 
classic photo layout—a study in soft 
mahogany set against candy-stripe wall- 
paper—Jennifer reminded readers that 
loveliness is color-blind. The Chicago na- 
tive and her twin sister, Jan, were two of 
the most popular Bunnies at the Windy 


City Playboy Club. 
86. A department store security guard 
with lush brown eyes and a black belt, 
Los Angeles Latina Roberta Vasquez was 
featured in PLAYBOY'S Women of Steel pic- 
torial. She went on to cop a job with the 
California State Police, but Roberta's 
most memorable bust came with her re- 
cruitment as Miss November 1984. 

85. In the history of Hugh Hefner's 
girlfriends this would be his Blue Регі- 
od. Miss July 1977 Sondra Theodore 
danced with the man at a Mansion party 
to Barry White's Baby Blue Panties. One 
diamond-encrusted necklace later 
(which spelled out Baby Blue), Sondra 
was Hef's main squeeze and remained 
so for five years. Although head-to-toe 
blonde perfection, this San Bernardino 
pinball fanatic was best known for her 
smile and for her alluringly decp chin 
dimple. 

84. Nine years after the Beatles’ Amer- 
ican invasion, Liverpudlian Lonny Chin 
(Miss January 1983) touched down in 
Los Angeles, having previously lived in 
four different Canadian provinces. The 
product of a Chinese-Jamaican dad and 
Welsh-Swedish mom, Lonny turned out 
an inspiring New Year's Centerfold, and 
went on to become PLAYBOY's first video 
Playmate. 

83. Bedecked only in furry white trim, 
and wearing a single jingle-bell diamond 
suspended from a gold waist chain, Miss 
January 1997 Jami Ferrell looks like a 
snow goddess on spring break in Day- 
tona. А native of Muncie, Indiana and 
shyer than a newborn gazelle, Jami was 
one of three Playmates selected to travel 
to Africa for the May 1999 Playmates оп 
Safari pictorial. 

82. Ohio native Melinda Windsor, 
Miss February 1966, hasa degree in psy 
chology. When driving, she docs not rc- 
quire air bags. 

81. Redheaded Mara Corday shared 
the October 1958 Centerfold with co- 
Playmate Pat Sheehan. Mara became 
queen of the Fifties monster movies, 
with credits that include Tarantula, 
Black Scorpion and Giant Claw. She has 
also been featured in four Clint East- 
wood films. 

80. She swam like a fish, spoke fluent 
French, adorned the cover of the swim- 
suit issue of Sport, studied computer sci- 
ence and traveled the world—from Bra- 
zil to Kenya and back to her native Hong 
Kong. So what do people remember 
most about Miss October 1990 Brittany 
York? That she played the dental hy- 
gienist who got a rise out of Jerry on 
Seinfeld. 

79. Cute and compact, with eyes on 
loan from Cleopatra, former Bristol 
‘Teenager Dolly Read won a nationwide 
British Bunny Contest sponsored by Ra- 
dio London, then came to the States to 
train as a bumper pool Bunny at Chica- 
go's Playboy Club. Along the way, Dolly 
was named Miss May 1966, co-starred in 


the cult film Valley of the Dolls and nabbed 
Dick Martin (of Rowan & Martin's Laugh- 
In) аз а husband. 

78. Tall and tan and young and drop- 
dead beautiful, Miss November 1966 
(and PMOY 1967) Lisa Baker was a teen- 
age soda jerk from Broken Bow, Okla- 
homa who, as a bridesmaid at a friend's 
Los Angeles wedding, was discovered by 
photographer Bill Figge. After her Play- 
mate debut, Lisa popped up again in 
1979's Playmates Forever! pictorial, then 
relocated to Texas to be near her family. 

77. Her legs are longer than a Bill 
Clinton speech, and infinitely more cap- 
tivating. On her Playmate Data Sheet, 
Miss February 1994 Julie Lynn Cialini 
revealed that she once bungee-jumped 

es wearing only a string bikini; 
her pictures elicited a similar EKG spike 
among PLAYBOY readers. А shoo-in as 
PMOY 1995, Julie went on to land a reg- 
ular role on T V's High Tide. 

76. Miss December 1958 Joyce Niz- 
zari was besweatered and bottomless in 
her snow-melting ski chalet Centerfold. 
Discovered by Bunny Yeager when 
Joyce was a teenage Miami model, she 
went on to enjoy a two-year fling with 
Hef which included such run-of-the-mill 
dates as trips to the Cannes Film Festival, 
JFK's inauguration, Playboy's first Jazz 
Fest and a romantic getaway to Havana 
only weeks before Castro overthrew Ba- 
tista's government. 

75. Her tiny carriage, voluptuous fig- 
ure and majestic mop of dirty-blonde 
curls made Corinna Harney, Miss Au- 
gust 1991 (and PMOY 1992), look like 
a rag doll on hormones. She followed 
her Playmate appearance by playing 
Roger Daltrey's main squeeze іп Мату 
ella for Showtime and appearing with 
Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Vegas 
Vacation. 

74. As плувоуз 30th An 
Playmate, Miss January 1984 
ker looks like a recruitment poster lor 
sin. The New York fashion model decid- 
ed that posing sans fashion in the Mid- 
west would make for a more interesting 
career. Good move. 

73. Miss June 1961, Austrian-born 
Heidi Becker, м. лувот' gemütlich Play- 
mate, is a fine piece of strudel. Her Cen- 
terfold did not include any Alpine refer- 
ences just her winsome smile and her 
sidelong glance, which surmounted the 
language barrier just finc. 

72. The glow of her skin moved Miss 
June 1975 to give herself a new name— 
‘Azizi Johari (meaning precious jewel in 
Swahili), a moniker conceived by old 
friend and jazz pianist Herbie Hancock. 
Born in New York City and raised in 
Seattle, Azizi worked as a stewardess, 
then as an actress, before Sammy Davis 
Jr. (who had been obsessed with a photo 
of her face) met her in person and hired 
her on the spot for his nightclub act. 

71. In her piaveoy photos, Miss Sep- 
tember 1963 Victoria Valentino looks 


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PLAYBOY 


232 


like a Modigliani painting come to life— 
doe-eyed, sensuous and clearly caught 
midthought. An actress who favored 
Dostoyevsky, Arabic folk dances and bad- 
minton, the Hollywood native was newly 
pregnant when she posed for her Cen- 
terlold, ultimately giving birth to a son 
who died at the age of six in a drowning 
accident. Today Vicky works as a be- 
reavement facilitator and publishes Cen- 
terfold Sweethearts for fans. 

70. In her Playmate story, Miss De- 
cember 1981 Patricia Farinelli admi 
ted that her life changed when nature 
began doing its thing just below her 
neck: She went from “Flatty Patty” to 
neighborhood attraction during her ju- 
nior year in high school. But down deep 
the Los Angeles native was an Italian 
American homebody who liked spaghet 
ti, Led Zeppelin and Jesus Christ. Praise 
the Lord. 

69. Miss January 1968 (and PMOY 
1969) Connie Kreski had a flower child's 
face and a penchant for wearing skirts 
the size of cocktail umbrellas. Raised in 
Detroit, she lived for a time in London 
and moved to Los Angeles, where she 
starred in an Anthony Newley sex farce 
and worked for the Playboy Photo Stu- 
dio. Connie died of natural causes in her 
Beverly Hills home in 1995. 

68. Just 18 when she appeared in 
PLAYBOY, Miss November 1962 Avis Kim- 
ble was already a nonconformist. A bo- 
hemian before it was chic to be one, the 
Chicago native was a watercolorist, balle- 
rina and poet, with a partiality to Cho- 
pin, Garbo hats and unassuming men. 
She was also among the more enterpris- 
ing Playmates, opening her own bou- 
tique in Old ‘Town while simultaneously 
working as a Bunny. 

67. That so petite a structure could 


support such a generously endowed 
chest would have confounded the likes 
of Buckminster Fuller. But the 5727, 103- 
pound Miss March 1983 Alana Soares 
pulled it off to perfection. A competiti 
skier with Hawaiian-Japanese-Spani: 
Irish blood, she was a college student in 
Salt Lake City when she appeared at 
PLAYBOY's door. Alana always considered 
herself something of a rarity: a brunette 
from Utah who became a Playmate. 

66. The Minneapolis-born Dahm иїр- 
lets (Erica, Jaclyn and Nicole) were so 
hard to tell apart at birth that the doc- 
tors had to tattoo the Misses December 
1998 on their triplicate backsides. Thom- 
as Jefferson said we are all created equal. 
but this is absurd. 

65. The December 1973 Centerfold 
catches achingly attractive Christine 
Maddox in the middle of brushing her 
hair—a lustrous off-ramp of brown that 
cruises down her back, finally tapering 
off at the sweet speed bump of her back- 
side. Christine is so innocent that she 
thought Screw magazine was a hardware 
catalog. 

64. January 1994 Centerfold and 40th 
Anniversary Playmate, Holland-born 
Anna-Marie Goddard, she of the invert- 
ed nipples, could really get us in Dutch. 

63. Miss November 1978 (and PMOY 
1979) German-born Monique St. Pierre 
was an adventure in unmitigated carnal- 
ity. Her sugar-cubed teeth and gang- 
banged hair caused complete strangers 
of either sex to go into estrus when she 
entered the room. 

62. The September 1989 Centerfold 
was supersized for good reason: The 
subjects were Karin and Mirjam Van 
Breeschooten, 18-year-old twins from 
Rotterdam. With green eyes, blonde 
hair and stone-hard double Dutch bod- 


Shanahan 


“He said that she was only cleaning his fux, and like a 
fool I believed him." 


ies, they were identical except for Kar- 
in's tiny birthmark. Can you find it? 

61. Miss September 1995 Donna D'Er- 
rico has an angel face and sumptuous 
shape that are almost too high-concept— 
indeed, one might suspect she was cre- 
ated by some zealous lonely guy at In- 
dustrial Light and Magic. Not so. The 
fair-haired and exceedingly fit Catholic 
schoolgirl from Georgia—discovered by 
PLAYBOY when she was a Las Vegas limo 
driver—was real enough to beam herself 
up from Centerfold to a regular spot on 
Baywatch and Baywatch Nights. 

60. Seeing Barbara Edwards nude is 
as painful and engrossing as a round of 
autoerotic strangulation. If i 


it weren't for 
the floor, her legs would go on forever. 
Miss September 1983 (and PMOY 1984) 
is so enchanting, as Raymond Chandler 
said, that she would’ve made a bish- 
ор put his foot through a stained-glass 
window. 

59. A single mother (of two daugh- 
ters), Kathy Shower—Miss May 1985, 
PMOY 1986—lives and works in Bar- 
celona. As Kathy's blonde hair explodes 
like a phosphorous hand grenade, she 
looks as helpless as a cat without a 
tongue. 

58. Miss December 1959 and t 
PMOY Ellen Stratton was the daughter 
of Mississippi sharecroppers who moved 
west in 1949 "by way of Steinbeck—sev- 
en of us in a car" to pick cotton in Bak- 
ersfield, California. If PLAYBOY did no 
more in 47 years than save this beautiful 
child from a life of cotton picking, it 
would be more than enough. 

57. Connie Mason, Miss June 1963, 
started as a Camera Bunny at the Miami 
Club. Through a chance encounter with 
Oleg Cassini and, down the linc, a mect- 
ing with model agency honcho Eileen 
Ford, she became a fashion model in 
New York. She also starred in the first 
two no-budget ghoulie flicks, Blood Feast 
and Two Thousand Maniacs. 

56. Built like a mainframe, Miss Sep- 
tember 1967 (PMOY 1968) Angela Dori- 
an was all photo opportunity. Renamed 
by her agent in memory of the sunken 
ocean liner (she was born Victoria Vetri). 
the preposterously shapely San Francis- 
can sang, danced, sketched, played gui- 
tar, drove a Porsche and was a TV regu- 
lar with appearances on Bonanza, Perry 
Mason and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. 

55. Buff and busty, Miss January 1981 
Karen Price appeared in her Centerfold 
lounging on a fur throw, dark bronze 
curls fanned above her head, mouth 
slighuy ajar and a diaphanous robe invit- 
ingly unfurled. You may exhale now. A 
step ahead of the health club rage, the 
Pasadena native knew how to put her 
retina-detaching body to work as an ac- 
robat and gymnastics coach and was one 
of the most active participants in the 
Dear Playmates advice-to-readers column. 

54. With her astonishing slate-gray 
bedroom eyes, a lower lip that seemed 


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bruised by making out and nipples as 
pink as sunshine through a white cat's 
ear, it's no wonder that the young men 
around Linda Gamble, Miss April 1960 
(PMOY 1961), didn't have to leave them- 
selves wake-up calls. 

53. Miss March 1995 Stacy Sanches is 
so thoroughly Texas, it’s remarkable she 
doesn't sweat barbecue sauce. Standing 
five-foot-ten, with a Big D figure to boot, 
Stacy was working for her daddy's cus- 
tom-pickup-truck business when PLAYBOY 
spotted her. After being named 1996 
Playmate of the Year, the weight-lifting 
country girl took her infectious twang to 
Hollywood. 

52. Terri Welles, Miss December 1980 
(and PMOY 1981), married pro hockey 
playcr Charlic Simmer. In her Centerfolds 
of the Century photo Terri looks like a 
goalie, graceful knees together, trying to 
stop a slap shot. 

51. Miss December 1989 Petra Ver- 
kaik was accidentally run over by her 
own VW van in the parking lot next to 
PLAYBOV's offices—only to be saved from 
serious injury by her 37-inch bust. The 
superbly top-heavy Californian with the 
exotic features and the arresting name 
went on to appear as Al Bundy's dream 
girl in Married With Children. 

50. Fair-haired and fit with a grin that 
could power a breeder reactor, Lisa 
Matthews, Miss April 1990 (and PMOY 
1991), puts out vibes that are quintes- 
sentially American. down to the star- 
spangled gleam in her eye. A successful 
model atage 17, Peoria-born Lisa, along 
with Kimberley Conrad Hefner, com- 
mandeered Playboy's Operation Desert 
Storm letter-writing campaign. 

49. Miss August 1964 China Lce was 
the only one in her family of 11 not to 
enter the restaurant business—she al- 
ready had too much on her plate. A na- 
tive of New Orleans, the Playboy Club 
Training Bunny turned Playmate was 
also a svimmer, equestrienne, bowler, 
ping-pong expert and unofficial Play- 
mate twist champ. She had the title role 
in Woody Allen's What's Up, Tiger Lily? 
and went on to marry and divorce hu- 
morist Mort Sahl (twice), buy racehorses 
and gamble professionally. 

48. It looks like Miss October 1965 
(and PMOY 1966) Allison Parks was run 
over by one of those highway white-line 
painters. The intensity of her glance and 
the forthrightness of her spirit radiate 
outward like a solar wind. 

47. Jaime Bergman, Miss January 
1999 (and the 45th Anniversary Play- 
mate) strongly resembles the great Dale 
Evans. Jaime, who hails from Salt Lake 
City, surprised the Mormons back home 
with a cowgirl getup that included a Stet- 
son, boots, chaps, a tumbleweed between 
her legs—and not much else. 

46. The first Playmate to be custom- 
shot from a pencil sketch by Art Director 
Arthur Paul, Miss June 1955 Eve Meyer 
was photographed by her husband, fu- 


ture erotic film auteur Russ Meyer. In 
her Centerfold, Eve appears barely clad 
in sky blue chiffon, lounging ona shag in 
front of a fireplace, with two drinks with- 
in reach (the second presumably for an 
unseen guest). Eve produced Russ Mey- 
ег first films but died tragically in a 
two-jet collision over the Canary Islands. 

45. Marguerite Empey, here seen 
bathing in a wok, was twice a Playmate— 
Miss May 1955 and Miss February 1956 
(the second shoot was by Russ Meyer). A 
practicing nudist who studied ballet and 
taught belly dancing, Marguerite was 
cover girl for the first Playmate Calen- 
dar, in 1958. Her popularity as a Fifties 
pin-up prompted Gay Talese to inter- 
view her (under her married name, Di- 
ane Webber) for his book on the sexual 
revolution, Thy Neighbor's Wife. 

44. Karen McDougal, Miss December 
1997 (and PMOY 1998), has a freedom 
trail up her belly that Lewis and Clark 
could have followed. 

43. Chinese-Scottish-Spanish-Austra- 
lian-Filipino-Irish Gwen Wong boasted a 
PLAYBOY résumé that included Playmate 
(Miss April 1967), Club Cottontail and 
Jet Bunny aboard рїдүвоү'з DC-9 Big 
Bunny. Her Centerfold inspired an emu- 
lation-is-the-highest-form-of-flattery 
tribute from Madonna herself in Vanity 
Fair. Two Wongs, however, do not make 
a right. 

42. Her curves were more dangerous 
than Coldwater Canynn's, not ta men- 
tion the so-bad-she's-good twinkle in her 
eyes. Miss November 1974 Bebe Buell 
came to eLAvBov from Virginia Beach 
and instantly transformed herself into 
a night-prowling, rock-and-rolling soul 
sister, whose romances with superstar 
musicians (among them Todd Rund- 
gren, Steven Tyler, Rod Stewart, Jimmy 
Page and Elvis Costello) produced lots of 
ink—as well as a love child, acclaimed ac- 
tress Liv Tyler. 

41. They were 36 years old—com- 
bined. In capturing PLAYBOY'S first-ever 
twin Centerfolds. Misses October 1970 
Mary and Madeleine Collinson, pho- 
tographer Dwight Hooker set a world 
record, using more than 700 sheets of 
eight by-ten film. Enthusiastic globetrot- 
ters with a special fondness for the discos 
and pubs of London, the winsome two- 
some from Malta followed their Play- 
mate exposure with appearances in the 
Hammer Films vampire classic Twins of 
Evil and the screen adaptation of Jac- 
queline Susann's Love Machine. Today 
both enjoy life with their families, Made- 
leine back in Malta, Mary in Milan. 

40. With her thick hair tousled, Janice 
Pennington, Miss May 1971, defied any 
wet blanket to get in the way of the 
Seventies. Janice leveraged her PLAYBOY 
gig to land a guest spot on Laugh-In and 
became a longtime regular on The Price 
Is Right. She also encouraged her kid 
sister Ann to become a Playmate five 
years later. 


39. Miss February 1986 Julie McCul- 
lough is as clean and precise as the Swiss 
civil code. She wears her nudity as if it 
were a uniform, but spoilsport funda- 
mentalists helped yank her from the sit- 
com Growing Pains. Her beauty won out 
Julie's TV hit list has grown to include 
roles on Beverly Hills 90210, The Drew 
Carey Show and High Tide. 

38. Fecund is a good word for the 
Centerfold of Karen Velez, Miss Decem- 
ber 1984 (and PMOY 1985). Also ртау- 
id, procreant, big with, gestant, uber 
ous, fructiferous and laden. Karen met 
Six Million Dollar Man Lee Majors at 
a Playboy Mansion West party. Their 
subsequent marriage produced three 
children. 

37. Reneé Tenison, Miss November 
1989, was the first African American 
Playmate of the Year (1990). Astonish- 
ingly, she has an equally beautiful iden- 
tical twin sister. Reneé's been on the TV 
more than your cat—appearances in- 
clude Sherman Ouks, LA Heat, Living Sin- 
gle, Family Matters and Fresh Prince of 
Bel-Air 

36. Miss [uly 1959 Yvette Vickers is 
a cult heroine for her films Attack of 
the 50-Foot Woman and Attack of the Giant 
Leeches. She also appeared in the nor- 
sized Hud with Paul Newman. 

35. Miss January 1982, Kimbe 
McArthur, was cut from the Dallas Cow- 
boys Cheerleaders tryouts for not kicking 
high enough. PLAYBOY's requirements 
were, thankfully, less aerobic. Elfin Kim 
is soft as a glove and fine as a seed pearl 

34. In the film Apocalypse Now, Cyndi 
Wood, Miss February 1973 (and PMOY 
1974), made a stunning appearance as 
a Playmate visiting Vietnam, a role loose- 
ly based on Jo Collins’ 1966 adventure. 
With a pubic fleece like the nest of a 
dove, faultless breasts and a smile that 
could give you powder burns, Cyndi did 
five PLAYBOY cevers. 


33. June Cochran, Miss December 
1962 (and PMOY 1963), was a model for 
Little Annie Fanny and represented home 
state Indiana in the Miss World and Miss 
Universe pageants. But, for all her expe- 
rience, she was still most at home when 
at home. 

32. Most photographs of Marianne 
Gravatte (Miss October 1982 and PMOY 
1083) leaped off the page with such in- 
tensity that readers felt the impact in 
their solar plexi. Killer abs, Asian eyes 
and a carefully carved chin cleft made to 
be kissed all belied the Hollywood na- 
tive's big secret: She was so shy that, as 
hotographer Richard Fegley has said, 
he could hardly look at someone and 
say hello." 

31. Miss January 1998 Heather Kozar 
always looks like she's about to give 
blood. The Akron. Ohio native—and 
1999 PMOY—appears ready to be del 
ered to a dressing station on the battle- 
field of human sexu; there were 
pain and exhaustion involved just in be- 


ing Heather. Certainly her belly seems 
sensual and hot as a puddling furnace. 

30. As the 20th Anniversary Playmate, 
Nancy Cameron, Miss January 1974, 
was shot by photographer Dwight Hook- 
er in pravaov's only front-and-back rep- 
resentation of a Centerfold. Nancy is as 
faceted and delightful as a newly mint- 
ed coin, 

29. Sweet, five-foot-two and topped by 
a cumulous cloud of hair, Miss Decem- 
ber 1956 Lisa Winters was discovered 
getting on a Miami bus by photographer 
Bunny Yeager, who ultimately shot Lisa's 
Centerfold. (Lisa was too shy to pose for 
а man.) Her firm 19-year-old breasts, it 
can be imagined, led to the invention 
of Nerf. 

28. When Donna Edmondson, Miss 
November 1986 (PMOY 1987) men- 
tioned to her photographer that she was 
still chaste, she soon became known as 
the Virgin Playmate, and even appeared 
on TV to preach that chastity and nudi- 
ty don't have to be strange bedfellows. 

27. She looks like a bureau with the 
top two drawers pulled out. Miss May 
1974 (and PMOY 1975) Marilyn Lange 
has molasses-colored eyes, the softness 
of an impact attenuator and an пуша 
ble pubescence about her. Marilyn was 
named fourth-round draft choice by the 
North American Soccer League's Chica- 
go Sting. "We liked what we saw," said 
General Manager Jim Walker. 

26. A decade ago Miss July 1989 Erika 
Eleniak mapped out a popular strate- 
gy for Playmates to come: She parlayed 
her Centerfold appearance into a regu- 
lar role on a new show called Baywalch 
As the Pams and Donnas and Marlieces 
followed in her sexy footsteps, Erika— 
whose beauty and dramatic gifts land- 
ed her the role of Elliot's girlfriend in 
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial at the age of 13— 
moved back to the big screen for Under 
Siege and The Beverly Hillbillies 

25. Victoria Silvstedt—Miss Decem- 
ber 1996 and PMOY 1997—should be 
credited for at least one "Va" in Va-va- 
va-voom. A graduate of the Anna Nicole 
Smith School of the Bodacious, all five 
feet and ten inches of Victoria grew up 
in a Swedish village. Despite the paucity 
of sunlight there, the gods compensated 
for it by rewarding her with an awesome 
blonde corona. And some suggest she 
may be responsible for global warming 
and melting the Arctic ice cap. 

24. In her January 1971 Playmate ap- 
pearance the visible hint of pubic hair 
made history as the first exposure of its 
d in PLAYBOY and practically guaran- 
teed the Norwegian's selection as PMOY 
1972. Liv Lindelind’s luminous smile lit 
every part of her, from those velvet dark 
eyes on down to her warm fiord. 

23. For Claudia Jennings, sexuality 
came as easily as divertimenti came to 
Mozart. Yet the rLAvbov receptionist had 
to be lured to the photo studio for test 
shots. Those shots made possible her 


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November 1969 Playmate debut, PMOY 
honors the following year and a mov- 
ie carcer in Hollywood, where she was 
crowned Queen of the Bs. But fate de- 
nied Claudia an appropriate final reel. 
In 1979 she was killed in a car crash on 
the Pacific Coast Highway. 

22. She was cute as a truffle, but Miss 
December 1971 Karen Christy is best 
known as the third side of a triangle that 
included Barbi Benton and Hugh Hef- 
ner, who referred to the Los Angeles 
(Benton) and Chicago (Christy) adven- 
ture as his "Captain's Paradise." 

21. Weighing in at eight and a half 
stone totally starkers with sodding great 
alpha-double-plus knockers that belong 
on the one-quid note, Marilyn Cole, 
Miss January 1972, nipped along from 
her Portsmouth home to the London 
Playboy Club, to a spot of jiggery-pokery 
with the Squire of Playboy himself, and 
on to PMOY 1973, without ever once 
coming unstuck. 

20. DeDe Lind, Miss August 1967, is 
a sugar cookie soaked in cognac and 
baked in a potter's kiln. Blonde and be- 
guiling, freckled and as adorable аза Rug- 
rats cartoon, DeDe arrived during the 
Vietnam war and reminded boys of what 
they were fighting for, garnering more 
letters than any Playmate before or since. 

19. Debra Jo Fondren had perfect 
stomach muscles, like little spice shelves, 
and her amazing hair splashes gold 
down her back as if it were a salmon lad- 
der. Unanimous choice for Playmate of 
the Year in 1978, Debra Jo seemed ex- 
quisitely wicked, and a certain silence 
filled the place, wherever you happened 
to be, when the magazine came open at 
her Centerfold. 

18. Christa Speck, Miss September 
1961 (and PMOY 1962), had size 38 pon- 
toons and a beehive hairdo that would 
have qualified her to stand guard out- 
side Buckingham Palace. She married 
puppeteer-producer Marty Kroft. 

17. With a nose as perky and versatile 
as a Swiss Army Knife and a hairdo that 
was borrowed from Tinkerbell, Jo Col- 
lins, Miss December 1964 (and Playmate 
of the Year in 1965), has been through 
three husbands—flaky baseball hurlcr 
Bo Belinsky being the first. Jo traveled to 
Vietnam to deliver a lifetime subsc 
tion of their favorite magazine to mem- 
bers of the 173га Airborne who had 
chipped in for it. A few more Playmates 

Jo and we wouldn't have need- 
ed the draft. 

16. 1 began gasping for air when first I 
saw Lillian Miller, Miss August 1975 
(PMOY 1976). Everything about her 
seemed to have its own private focus. 
Гуе said this before: Müller could make 
even your nose get hard. 

15. Anna Nicole Smith, Miss May 
1992, is as well endowed as the Gatcs 
foundation. Her selection as PMOY 
1993 represented a filling out of our ide- 
al cultural physique. Anna became the 


Guess jeans poster girl, and an interna- 
tional tabloid celebrity through her mar- 
riage to 89-year-old tycoon J. Howard 
Marshall 11. 

14. When I first double-O'd photos 
of Miss January 1988 and PMOY 1989 
Kimberley Conrad—soon to be Hef- 
ner—my porch light blew. She seemed 
so much to be a distillation of that 
unique sensibility, PLAYBOY. Nipples and 
areolae like antique bronze cymbals. 
High crotch. Expensive skin. Eyes bright 
as a plasma torch. If PLAYBOY were a 
great novel, KCH would be the Cliffs 
Notes. 

13. Born 


telle Eggleston in Yazoo 
i, Stella Stevens got her 
в Appassionata von Cli- 
max in the film version of the Broadway 
hit Lil Abner. As cute as a drum ma- 
jorette at halftime of the Sugar Bowl, 
Miss January 1960 had a distinguished 
Hollywood career, particularly as Hildy 
in The Ballad of Cable Hogue. 

12. For Patti McGuire, love means 
nothing—at least since she married ten- 
nis legend Jimmy Connors more than 20 
years ago. As Miss November 1976 (and 
PMOY 1977), Patti's posing style was, 
well, confrontational—she almost always 
made electric eye contact. It wasn't easy 
to say—Patti, or you—who was the Peep- 
ing Tom? 

11. Shannon Tweed, Miss November 
1981, has the best legs of the century. 
They support an extraordinary 5710” 
woman from Newfoundland who has 
been a star of Falcon Crest and more than 
30 films, as well as being PMOY 1982 
Thinking of Shannon (who has two chil- 
dren by her significant other, Kiss rocker 
Gene Simmons) can cause a cerebrovas- 
cular accident. 

10. Cynthia Myers, Miss December 
1968, is stacked better than the blue- 
plate special at IHOP. Cynt from 
Toledo, starred in Russ Meyer's Beyond 
the Valley of the Dolls. IF you dial her mea- 
surements (39DD-24-35), you get the 
reservation desk at the Hilton in Ulan 
Bator, Mongolia. 

9. Donna Michelle, Miss December 
1963 (and PMOY 1964), played opposite 
Warren Beatty in Mickey One and ap- 
peared in Beach Blanket Bingo. Donna's 
superphotogenic look comes from the 
powerful vulnerability she projects—and 
from a pair of eyebrows that are almost 
prehensile. 

8. On her pLaysoy Data Sheet, under 
the heading “Turnoffs,” Dorothy Strat- 
ten wrote “jealous people.” A year later 
Miss August 1979 (and PMOY 1980) was 
dead, brutally shot by a husband who 
couldn't bear losing her to director Peter 
Bogdanovich. Just 20 years old, 100 per- 
cent natural. With sweet, naive charm 
and apparent authentic talent as an ac- 
tress, Dorothy reminds us of the danger 
inherent in great beauty. 

7. “Spinning Jenny,” you might call 
Miss October 1993 (PMOY 1994). Jenny 


McCarthy, the enthusiastic star of MTV's 
Singled Out, has more energy than you 
would find in a mosh pit. Never once has 
she shunned the obvious. 

6. With breasts as soft and pink as 
salmon mousse and еуез like the defini- 
tion of fine wine (“light held together 
by moisture”), Candy Loving, Miss Janu- 
ary 1979 (and our Silver Anniversary 
Playmate), has been for many years a 
steadfast and cogent spokeswoman for 
PLAYBOY. She has been called, after 
Christic Hefner, “the most valuable fe- 
male asset the company has.” 

5. My father made a splendid sepia 
drawing of Bettie Page that hung over 
the bed where I was conceived. Mother 
thought he had fashioned it in a life- 
study class. Actually, I later realized the 
sketch was freely adapted from a bond- 
age photo by Irving Klaw. Miss January 
1955 lived a double life: the girl next 
door and a kinky, fetishistic fantasy. But 
when I had an earache or a nightmare, 
Bettie was there. 

4. Some statistical considerations of 
the phenomenon known as Pamela An- 
derson: most requested image on the In- 
ternet (her wildly popular chat site at 
Prodigy actually crashed and had to be 
restarted). Most covers for PLAYBOY (six). 
Her Playboy Centerfold video was number 
one on the Billboard chart for 12 weeks 
running. Add to that her starring role on 
Baywatch and sales of her bootleg sex 
video with Tommy Lee, and you have 
mathematical proof of Miss February 
1990's status as the world’s most famous 
living blonde. 

3. If Marilyn was the brand-name 
blonde bombshell, Jayne Mansfield was 
the generic stuff: cheaper, maybe, but 
still marvelously potent. Jayne appeared 
five times in PLAYBOY—first anonymously 
as Miss February 1955 and later in a pic- 
torial called The Nudest Jayne Mansfield, 
which earned Hugh Hefner an ob: 
ty bust (he beat the rap). Jayne died in a 
car crash in 1967. 

2. 1 was 13 in 1955 when Janet Pil 
grim (then pLaysoy's subscription man- 
ager) first appeared as a Centerfold— 
she appeared three times in all. 1 
remember taping her photo under a bu- 
reau drawer, where my mother prompt- 
ly found it. Mother absorbed Janet's 
sweet, almost Asian face and her mam- 
moth spheres of influence and said, 
“She's very pretty,” and handed the pho- 
to back. I owe a lot to Janet Pilgrim's 
innocence. 

1. Marilyn Monroe, PLAYBOY'S 
gural Centerfold in December 19 
not just the sexiest woman of our cen- 
tury, a stunning siren that men might 
fantasize about: We now also know that 
her body was the actual nexus of Amer- 
ican male power, a mystical chalice 
that heroes came not to drink from, but 
to fill. —D. KEITH MANO 


THE FUTURE 


(continued from page 132) 
years. Cycles of oligarchy, democracy, 
tyranny and timocracy (aristocracy) will 
continuc. For better or worse, most of 
world history has been government by 
tyranny or oligarchy, and that will cer- 
tainly continue. Greed and power are 
too basic and exhilarating to disappear. 
The smart and the strong will nearly al- 
ways seize control, whether it is dis- 
guised as divine right, the good of the 
nation or simply the nature of things. 
Recurring periods of democracy and 
timocracy will recur, but they will be as 
brief and scattered, and probably as few, 
as they have been over the past 3000 
years. Technology and telecommunica- 
tions make it harder and harder to lie 
to people by justifying tyranny and oli- 
garchy. On the other hand, they make it 
easier to dupe people. Clever charlatans 
in one guise or another will rouse mass 
hysteria, the maddening of crowds and 

ional passion. 
will be cven more like en- 
t than it is now. 


SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS 


GIBSON: Say that technology (medicinc) 
makes it safe, once again (or as safe as 
it once seemed), for anyone to sexually 
put anything anywhere, as often as they 
vant, whenever they feel like it, without 


resorting to barriers or VR or any of the 
rest of it. The final decades of thc 20th 
century seemed like а grim timc indeed— 
the Plague Years—but the sheer fun of it 
all, paradoxically, will bring about a re- 
turn to the ancient quest for monogamy 
(serial monogamy, anyway) and spiritual 
meaning. “The more things change. . 
Viagra, folks, is just the beginning. 
Lea: Relationships will increasingly be 
conducted in virtual space. In addition, 
the breakdown in social skills brought 
about by less human interaction will lead 
to significant changes in human relation- 
ships. Relationships will become simplis- 
tic, short-term and unsatisfying, often 
conducted on a virtual level. Families 
will become fragmented further and the 
relationship between parents and chil- 
dren will deteriorate, These changes will 
drive a return to basics that will occur in 
the latter part of the millennium as the 
U.S. seeks to return to a "lost" era of 
commu: 
Sex, meanwhile, is such a basic human 
drive that it will change little during the 
next century. The most significant chang- 
es will come about as we discover how to 
stimulate the sexual aspects of the hu- 
man body and mind via chemicals and 
direct mental input. However, this will 
continue to affect only a minority of the 
population 
Joy: The Internet is leading to a rebirth 
of many communities of interest— 


"What a great first date! What do you say, just as an experiment, 
we try living together for a night?” 


237 


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unconstrained by physical locations. It 
allows families and friends to connect in 
new and interesting ways. This process 
will accelerate. Within the next century 
we should be able to electronically rein- 
carnate great and interesting people 
from the past, through their w 
and regalia from their life, to allow inter- 
esting conversations and relationships 
with these "ghosts." 
NEGROPONTE: People will have much 
more prime-time, face-to-face interac- 
tion, which today we waste in meetings. 
More will be done off-line and in unreal 
time, which will thereby change the 
rhythm of human relationships to in- 
clude better interaction in the presence 
of humans as well as through tele- 
communications. 
CELENTE: We see the birth of new millen- 
nium families. The 21st century family 
will not conform to the cherished 20th 
century stereotypes. Family will be de- 
fined in the broadest of its dictionary de- 
finitions, "the collective body of persons 
that live in one house." As the popula- 
tion ages, as economic conditions change 
and as social conditions dictate, the 21st 
century family will come in a variety of 
models: traditional nuclear, single par- 
ent, communal, his-his, hers-hers and, as 
part of the retro movement, the extend- 
ed family. 
оти: Amid the chaos and uncertainty 
that will consume our tele-lives, we'll 
come to value the simplicity and essence 
ofa fleeting glance, a fragile touch, a re- 
assuringly strong embrace. 
RUNDCREN: What is realistic to expect 
from another human being? From your- 
self? What would do the most to bring 
someone to the point of self-love that 
you could endure, even enjoy, their 
company? This is more advice than pre- 
diction: Forget God and worship your 
children. Put aside the self-centered fear 
that causes you to worship God and to 
forget your children. In Anglo-Euro so- 
ciety the greatest benefit of the passage 
into a new millennium will be the fail- 
ure of the Apocalypse to materialize and 
the attendant reconsideration of the true 
meaning of causation—the thoughtless 
expression of love that comes most natu- 
rally to the young. 
BARLOW: If we can experience being the 
quarterback, it is trivial to experience 
being the other lover. I've always wanted 
to know what it's like to experience sex 
аз a woman. Between neurological im- 
planting, genetic engineering and re- 
sible surgery, this will become possi- 
ble. If the foundation of our economy is 
relationships rather than things we сап 
own, we will value them appropriately. 
I asked a group of bankers whether they 
would rather give up all their material 
assets, organizational and personal, or 
all their relationships. Not one of them 
chose to keep their assets. Perhaps some 
of them were lying. But still, I think most 
knew they could rebuild their assets 


from their relationships, but not the oth. 

er way around. We need only to create a 
looser system of accounting that includes 
what actually motivates us. 

SCULLEY: Internet users vill learn to have 
meaningful relationships with people 
who are physically separated from them 
by large distance and may in fact never 
physically meet. Time is the only scarce 
commodity left, and "time-shifting" will 
become one of the most efficient means 
for people to maintain regular contact, 
sometimes communicating on the Net a 
dozen times a day. 

POPCORN: Technology will continue to 
foster relationships: Think e-mail times 
infinity. We'll go into our virtual reality 
chambers in our homes and have con- 
versations with our ancestors and fore- 
casters. We'll talk with holograms of our 
grandparents, great-grandparents, 19th 
century presidents, writers, explorers— 
all the historical figures important to us. 
Technology will give us the relationships 
time and space didn’t permit. 

Dvorak: More and more people will spill 
their guts out online and it will become a 
primary form of human interaction. The 
for-pay matchmaking sites that already 
hook up thousands of people every day 
will be the bar scene of the next 1000 
years. By 2015 it will be the primary way 
of meeting people. By 2030 it will be 
the only way. 

ROGERS: Relationships have changed lit- 
tle in the past few thousand years. and 
they basically will stay the same. The 
quick-witted will dominate the dull, and 
the strong will dominate the weak. A se- 
rious shortage of females is developing 
in the world, especially on the continent 
of Asia, which means women are becom- 
ing more valuable again. We have only 
begun to see what will happen to the sta- 
tus of women as this profound demo- 
graphic change develops. As the short- 
age intensifies, women will be more 
selective, will delay marriage, will di- 
vorce more readily and will demand and 
receive better treatment, Courtship will 
return and so will genteelness in 
male-female relationships. Unfortunate- 
ly this will not last forever, since all those 
horny guys eventually will fight wars 
over women. The propaganda will say 
the wars are for loftier reasons, but basi- 
cally men will be trying to get more 
wives. Then, of course, the imbalances 
will correct themselves as men foolishly 
slaughter one another in the name of 
democracy, their god or some other ide- 
al. Once a shortage of men develops, 
men’s treatment of women will deterio- 
rate yet again. 


BUSINESS AND MONEY 


cuper: There's going to be a fabulous 
amount of wealth. When there is total 
material abundance, the pressures of 
scarcity evolve around the residual re- 
source of time. When you can order the 
exact book you need from your office 


rather than driving to the bookstore and 
finding it's not there, you're saving ume. 
rything online is oriented toward 
saving the most valuable resource in the 
new era: time. 

CELENTE: We won't see a new economy, 
as so many are predicting today. The 
world will experience new recessions 
and more depressions, along with good 
times and bad. 

SCULLEY: In the old economy, producers 
were in control; in the new economy, 
customers are in control. 

ROGERS: Anyone counting on the U.S. 
dollar as a means of transferring wealth 
to future generations should look back 
on the fate of every form of money over 
the past several thousand years. Even 
gold has had long stretches when it lost 
value compared to other things, and this 
will occur again. 
NEGROPONTE: termediation will 
abound to an extreme where all man- 
ufacturers sell directly to consumers. 
Payments will be made with digital cash. 
In the long run, it will be impossible to 
compute the balance of trade. Concur- 
rendy, the corporate world will Nauen, 
hierarchies will fade and decentraliza- 
tion will prevail. Huge companies will 
find competition where they least ex- 
pected it, and small companies will find 
great advantage in remaining small. By 
the middle of the next millennium, the 
world's largest employer will be self- 
employment. 

OZZIE: Global, instant telecommunica- 
tions will bring about the collapse of 
producer-controlled markets. The indi- 
vidual will triumph. Auctions, group 
purchasing, differential pricing and oth- 
er dynamic mechanisms will reshape the 
basic nature of commerce between and 
among businesses as well as consumers 
RUNDGREN: There will be a further col- 
lapse of the barriers to efficiency and 
productivity that keep vast parts of the 
planet artificially poor. Mankind, or at 
least the part of it that you and I are like- 
ly to run into, has an innate fear of pov- 
erty—always better to have too much 
than not enough. The Prozac for this 
anxiety has been capitalism. Capitalism, 
however, is a pyramid scheme depen- 
dent on cheap labor somewhere in the 
world market. Unless we plan to keep all 
those people artificially poor, we're go- 
ing to have to redefine wealth and stop 
using yearly income or IPO windfalls as 
yardsticks of well-being. 

BARLOw: Most of our business is in love, 
friendship, security, trust, pleasure. ex- 
perience, ideas and other qualities im- 
possible to quantify. As the root of econ- 
omy becomes thought rather than 
things, we will give up trying to measure 
what is immeasurable and to start ex- 
changing value on the b 
goes around comes around.” The econo- 
my of nouns will be replaced by an econ- 
omy of verbs. 

POPCORN: The future of business and 


money is all about relationships. The fe- 
male consumer will be the most power- 
ful consumer, and she will reject the 
traditional, transactional way of doing 
business. She'll want relationships with 
the brands she buys and the companies 
that make them. She won't purchase 
what she does not connect with 
to-consumer will be the future of retail, 1 
predict that 90 percent of all consumer 
goods will be home-delivered by 2010. 
Consumers won't have the time to go 
to the store, to the gas station or car 
showroom. 

Dvorak: In the never-ending trend to- 
ward better understanding the individ- 
ual customer, a nonstop invasion of 
privacy in the guise of marketing will 
commence. Privacy-rights advocates will 
eventually be shouted down. Databases 
with massive amounts of erroneous in- 
formation and mistakes will ruin more 
lives than ever. By 2030, money will 
become fully virtual with smart cards, 
whereby all spending will be tracked in 
опе way or another. 

Lea: In the early part of the millennium, 
an increasing trend toward small compa- 
nies and individual consultants will ap- 
pear to break the stranglehold that large 
corporations have on the world econ- 
omy. However, as the complexity of a 
highly integrated world economy con- 
tinues to progress, large corporations 
will reassert themselves. Rather than 
mimicking today's rigid structures, they 
will essentially be knowledge corpo- 
rations. These will combine aspects of 
highly individualistic workers forming 
loose affiliations within an overall struc- 
ture to achieve tasks. As the century pro- 
gresses these corporations will come to 
dominate the world economy, widening 
the divide between the First and Third 
Worlds. For the majority cf U.S. citizens 
such companies will replace the notion 
of state in terms of allegiance. Money 
will disappear as a tangible entity and 
will become one of many items bartered. 
Electronic transactions will allow barter- 
ing to flourish, enabling individuals to 
trade not only for money but also for 
goods and personal skills and services. 
This will lead to a reinvention of the no- 
tion of rich that will recapture the Greek 
notion of richness of spirit, thus allowing 
a shift from today's physical materialism 
ual materialism. 

GIBSON: Our singularity might well be 
some functional form of nanotechnolo- 
gy. which would in effect be the discov- 
ery of the philosopher's stone of the al- 
chemists. If we can make gold out of shit, 
literally, and at no cost, and make ham- 
burgers out of gold, or out of anything 
else, where will that leave the concept 
of wealth, or of value? Nowhere, proba- 
bly. Remember the ancient (and perhaps 
apocryphal) Chinese curse: “May you 
live in interesting times.” 


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239 


PLAYBOY 


240 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


(continued from page 80) 
power in the relationship. But offices are 
where you mect members of the ор- 
posite sex. You may become emotional- 
ly involved. Why not? One of the sad 
things that happens when you get out of 
school is that you don't have that kind of 
natural setting where you can meet peo- 
ple—there's no more community of peo- 
ple with common interests. One of the 
fcw places that you find people with 
common interests. n the office. And 
it really doesn't matte: s an office 
in Des Moines or the White House in 
Washington, D.C. 

PLAYBOY: One of the most famous presi- 
dential philanderers was John Е Kenne- 
dy. Did you ever meet him? 

HEFNER: I was a supporter and | went to 


his Inaugural Ball at the invitation of 


Sammy Davis Jr. But the only Kennedy 1 
really knew was the father, Joe. 1 had 
been in California with Tony Сити», at- 
tending Sammy's bachelor party before 
his marriage to May Britt. All the guys 
were there: Frank, Dean, Peter Lawford, 
the whole Rat Pack. Joe Kennedy called 
not long after because he'd had dinner 
with Tony and he'd expressed interest in 
meeting me. But when he called they 
didn't put the call through because they 
didn't know who Joe Kennedy was 
[laughs]. When I returned the call he 
|, "You're more difficult to reach than 
the President of the United States.” 1 
said, “You would know.” When he came 
to Chicago for some business related to 


the Merchandise Mart, we had dinner 
together at the Drake Hotel. He had two 
sons running the country, the President 
and the Attorney General, yet he spent 
much of the evening talking about the 
son who had died during the war, foc 
Kennedy Jr. That family's tragic history 
began much carlier than many people 
realize. It was Joe Jr. who the father 
hoped would one day become President. 
That night we went to the Playboy Club 
to see Burns and Carlin—George Carlin 
had a partner at the start of his career. 
Their act included a parody of John 
Kennedy. Joe Kennedy was not amused. 
PLAYBOY: Did he want to do business 
with you? 

HEFNER: No. | think he was attracted to 
me for the same reason his son was at- 
tracted to Sinatra. He wanted to be 
where the action was. 

PLAYBOY: Tell us about your friendship 
with Frank Sinatra. 

HEFNER: We were friendly, but not close. 
He became a popular band singer when 
Т was in high school. I was a huge fan. I 
fantasized about being a singe e Sina- 
tra, because the chicks all dug the croon- 
ers [smiles]. I started the magazine іп 
1953, the same year Sinatra began his 
second career. He changed record la- 
bels, started recording for Capitol, and 
won an Oscar for From Here lo Eternity 
that year. Lalways admired his style and 
talent and how his songs supplied the 
words and music to our dreams and 
yearnings. Sinatra really was the voice of 
our time. I met him first at the Fontaine- 
bleau when he was making a movie in 


“It’s free, lady—an 8"x 10" glossy of me exposing myself." 


Miami in 1959. He came to the Chicago 
Mansion for the first time in 1960. I saw 
him from time to time thercafter in Chi- 
cago and LA. 

AoE Didn't you throw a party for 


id. We spent most of the eve- 
ning in a corner talking about starting а 
show business trade publication to com- 
pete with Variety and The Hollywood Re- 
porter. He had an uneasy relationship 
with the press back then and 1 don't 
think he liked some of the stuff they had 
printed about him. Не also found time 
that night to hit on Joni Mattis, who 1 
was dating at the time. Actually, he hit on 
her because she was my girlfriend. He 
was troubled, I learned later, by the fact 
that I had all the girls. 

PLAYBOY: The two great swingers of the 
century in tender combat? Any hard 
feclings 

HEFNER: | confess that I was disappoint- 
ed. I would never hit on a pal's girl- 
friend, because 1 think it reflects a lack 


when I was going 
Sinatra was competiti a curious way, 
related to guys and their girls. I think it 
was a pattern. It's the opposite of what 
one would expect of him. Of course, if 
to try and hustle a cou- 
nds, it might as well be 


PLAYBOY: When Nancy Sinatra posed for 
the magazine, did you and she tall about 
her dad? 
HEFNER: Nancy and 1 have been friends 
since the Sixties. She once said she 
thought that the two guys who had the 
atest influence on society in her life- 
time were her father and me. 
PLAYBOY: Bob Greene wrote à column 
suggesting the two most influential 
Americans in the second half of the 20th 
century were you and El 
HEFNER: And a rock musician once told 
me he thought it was Hefner and the 
Beatles. It's an honor to be in such 
compa 
PLAYBOY: Did Elvis ever make it to the 
Mansion? 
HEFNER: No, but Elvis was a fan. He even 
chartered the Big Bunny for a cross- 
country trip. Sonny and Cher chartered 
it too. 1 met Elvis in Vegas when Barbi 
was performing there in the Seventies. 
PLAYBOY: Were you an Elvis fan? 
HEFNER: It wasn't my favorite form of 
music, but the phenomenon was com- 
pelling. I enjoyed Elvis’ carly record- 
ings and saw two or three of his shows 
in Vegas. And we did have something in 
common in the Fifties. The enemies of 
PLAYBOY were also the enemies of rock 
and roll. It was literally suggested that 
е and the music were some 
mmunist plot to corrupt the 
morals of youth in America. 
PLAYBOY: I know the Beatles have visited 
the Mansion and, according to legend, 
John Lennon put out a cigarette on a 


Matisse in the Great Hall. Is that true? 
HEFNER: He was here. I was playing 
backgammon in the library so 1 didnt 
€ it happen. Apparently, one of my 
iends felt his actions were inappropri- 
ate and took serious umbrage. Words 
were exchanged. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't Fred Dryer say, "I would 
have hit him with a shovel and buried 
him in the backyard"? 

HEFNER: My friends arc very protective of 
me [laughs]. I didn't really know Lennon 
very well. Гуе known Ringo better. He 
and Harry Nilsson used to hang out 
herea lot. John was around when he was 
separated from Yoko. It was a troubled 
time for him. He was drinking a great 
deal. He was kind of lost. 

PLAYBOY: Did he damage the painting? 
HEFNER: He probably made it more valu- 
able: Matisse as interpreted by Lennon 
[laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: Sinatra, Elvis, the Beales—ıhe 
legendary cavalcade leads us to Marilyn 
Monroe, your first Playmate. How is it 
that you and she never met? 

HEFNER: If she'd lived longer I’m sure we 
would have. But 1 spent very little time 
in California in the Fifties and she never 
spent any time in Chicago. But her ap- 
pearance in that first issue will forever 
link us together in the public mind. 
PLAYBOY: You purchased that first nude 
photo from a calendar company and it 
was reported she had posed out of eco- 
nomic necessity. 

HEFNER: Not true. That's a story released 
by her studio because they were afraid of 
public reaction to the picture. But she 
made a joke about having nothing on 
but the radio and it made her a star. It’s 
Marilyn Monroe who made nudity ac- 
ceptable in America. Her attitude to 
ward nudity was similar to mine. She was 
raised, in part, by a family that was very 
religious. She responded to that repres- 
sion with dreams and fantasies that came 
right out of the movies. Nudity was a 
form of liberation for her. She posed 
nude at the very end of her carcer just 
as she had at the һе ginning. She OK'd 
the photo coverage of that final nude 
scene she did in the swimming pool in 
Something's Got to Give, for publication in 
PLAYBOY. She was also scheduled to shoot 
a seminude, two-sided cover for that an- 
niversary issue. After she died we had a 
Playmate pose for that two-page cover in 
her place, but we postponed the pictori- 
al for a ycar out of respect for her mem- 
огу. Marilyn's death was a real heart- 
breaker. She was so vulnerable. I think it 
was that vulnerability, in combination 
with her sexual appeal, that made her 
the sex star of the century. 

PLAYBOY: Does any current actress pos- 
sess Monroe's appeal? 

HEFNER: Pamela Anderson is the Marilyn 
Monroe of the Nineties. She's the most 
famous blonde on the planet. But she 
doesn't have Marilyn's screen presence 
or vulnerability. No one else really 


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241 


PLAYBOY 


compares with Marilyn. Partly it's be- 
cause the studio system doesn't exist 
anymore. They used to create the sex 
stars. Now the sex stars are mostly su- 
permodels and Centerfolds. I'm proud 
of the fact that хо many of the major sex 
stars of the century have appeared in 
PLAYBOY and that the magazine has played 
an important part in their carcers. From 
Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and 
Brigitte Bardot, Ursula Andress, Raquel 
Welch and Farrah Fawcett, to Bo Derek, 
Cindy Crawford, Pamela Anderson, Kim 
Basinger and Sharon Stone—they ve all 
been in the magazine. In interviews, 
Pamela, Kim Basinger and Sharon Stone 
still talk about the part that rrAvsov 
played in launching their careers. 

PLAYBOY: The contrast between Marilyn 
Monroe and Pamela Anderson reflects 
the differences between the more natu- 
ral Centerfolds of the Fifties and the sur- 
gically enhanced Playmates of today. 
Pamela once said if she stood 100 close to 
the radiator, she'd melt. Now had 
her implants removed and says it has 
made her feel more sexual. What's your 
opinion on breast implants and your 
personal preference? 

HEFNER: I prefer natural brea: 
have no problem with breast 
It's like any other form of cosmetic 
surgery: If it improves a woman's ap- 
pearance, or she feels it does, why not? 
All of this misinformation surrounding 
breast implants is bizarre. There is no 
scientific evidence that breast implants 
aren't safe. All those class action suits 
against the manufacturers were a real 
miscarriage of justice. 

PLAYBOY: How many Playmates have had 
breast implants? 

HEFNER: It depends on the timc frame. 
They were relatively rare 30 years ago 
апа they're commonplace today. It's not 
a big deal anymore. 


PLAYBOY: Didn't you have a little nip and 
tuck yourself a few months ago? 
HEFNER: Yes, but just the neck. I didn't 
touch the face. Гус grown accustomed 
to the face and I rather like it. But if I 
didn’t, I'd change it. 
PLAYBOY: You've mentioned a number of 
the celebrities who have appeared in 
riayboy. But not every woman in the 
magazine was thrilled to be there. Uma 
Thurman was apparently displeased 
when you published photos of her on a 
nude beach. What would you say to her? 
HEFNER: If the pictures had been taken in 
a private setting, they would not have 
been published by кглүроү. The classic 
example of tha 
photos of the former 
taken with a telescopic lens whi 
sunbathing on her own patio in the 
Greck Isles. The pictures were offered 
to PLAYBOY. We refused to publish them 
and they wound up in Hustler. We re- 
fused to publish them because it was an 
invasion of privacy. But Uma Thurman 
was on a public beach. If you're nude on 
a public beach, all bets are off, it seems 
to me. That said, Г obviously prefer to 
publish pictures that are shot specifical- 
ly for rLavbos, but there are times when 
we make exceptions. И we didn't, we 
wouldn't have published the picture of 
arilyn Monroe in the first issue and 1 
wouldn't be here. 
PLAYBOY: We understand that you've se- 
cured the vault next to Marilyn Monroe 
at the Westwood Memorial cemetery. Do 
you actually plan to spend eternity rest- 
ing beside Marilyn? 
HEFNER: Yes, although Jay Leno suggest- 
ed that if I was going to spend that kind 
of money, I should actually be on top of 
her [smiles]. But to me there's something 
rather poetic the fact that we'll be 
buried in the same place. And that ceme- 
tery also has other meanings and con- 


“I took everything out of equities and put it all in bimbos.” 


nections for me. Friends like Buddy Rich 
and Mel Tormé are buried there. So is 
Dorothy Stratten. 

PLAYBOY: You've never publicly discussed. 
Star 80, the Bob Fosse film about Doro- 
thy's life and death. Care to now? 
HEFNER: Fosse was very anxious to get my 
reaction and arranged a screening for 
me before the film was released. I had 
to tell him that 1 was very disappointed. 
I didn't think it had much to do 
Dorothy Stratten. He had the Paul Sni- 
der character right—Eric Roberts was 
every bit the sleazy hustler 1 had seen in 
the real Snider. And the film was meticu- 
lous in duplicating some of the physical 
details of the locations; the room we're 
sitting in now, in fact, was copied exactly. 
But Fosse had the wrong Dorothy. She 
was onc of thc most special ladics 1 have 
ever met. She came here when she was 
just 18, but in a single year she grew in- 
to a remarkable, self-assured woman. 
Everybody loved her. Mariel Heming- 
way is a very good actress, but she was 
not Dorothy Stratten. Dorothy would 
walk into a room and the room would 
light up. [A light flickers in the Library. 
That may be Dorothy's ghost right now. 
PLAYBOY: How well did the film interpret 
her extramarital affair with director Pe- 
ter Bogdanovich—the affair that precip- 
itated the tragedy? 

HEFNER: Her relationship with Bogdan- 
ovich was a variation on the relationship 
with Snider—and none of that was in the 
film. Because Dorothy was raised with- 
out a father she had a father fixation. 
That's what the relationship with Snider 
and Bogdanovich was all about—and, to 
an extent, that's what her relationship 
with me was all about. She came to me, 
as she would to a father, to tell me she 
was going to marry Snider. I urged her 
10 wait, perhaps I didn't urge her as 
strongly as 1 should have. But she had 
this tremendous sense of honor and felt 
she owed him a debt, felt he was respon- 
sible for her coming here and becom- 
ing a Playmate and the Playmate of the 
Year. Fosse, meanwhile, fearing litiga- 
tion, changed Peter's name and charac- 
ter, making him a very compassionate, 
passive person. Peter was, and is, any- 
thing but passive. Like Snider, he's very 
controlling. 

PLAYBOY: How would you characterize 
Bogdanovich's reaction to Dorothy's 
death? 

HEFNER: He was consumed by it. It be- 
came an obsession. In trying to deal with 
his own sense of guilt and grief, he pur- 
sued Dorothy's family after her death. 
He broke up her mother's marriage and 
seduced the teenage sister, Louise, and 
eventually married her. All that result 
ed in an estrangement between him and 
me. Then he wrote that preposterous 
book about me that had nothing to do 
with reality. 

PLAYBOY: Havc you had any contact with 
Dorothy's family since her death? 


HEFNER: Peter made that impossible until 
a few months ago when, quite unexpect- 
edly, I heard from Louise, who is now 
separated from Bogdanovich. She con- 
tacted me to say how much she regretted 
the hurt Bogdanovich had caused, and 
that she felt culpable. She said she knew 
how much Dorothy cared about me and 
how happy she had been at etavaov. She 
said she hoped that we could reconnect. 
"That means a great deal to me 

PLAYBOY: Now that Ron Howard and Bri- 
an Grazer are planning a major motion 
picture at Universal about your life, do 
you have any casting suggestions? If you 
could pick an actor from any era to play 
you, who would it be? 

HEFNER: It would have to be someone 
who could capture the boyish roman- 
tic, because that’s really who I am. It's 
the story of a Midwestern, Methodist 
boy, raised in repression, who dreamed 
impossible dreams and, against all odds, 
made them come true. In the old days, it 
would be a Jimmy Stewart or a Henry 
Fonda. You can see a little bit of my story 
in Mr: Smith Goes to Washington and sever- 
al other Capra films. But I'm also Cary 
Grant in The Auful Truth 

PLAYBOY: If thc movie deals with your 
childhood, might we lcarn how Hugh 
Hefner himself learned about the birds 
and the bee 
HEFNER: My mother was a well-educated 
woman who told us about reproduction, 
but not about sex. My brother and I 
were actually the first kids on the block 
who knew where babies carne from, but 
sex was never mentioned in our home. I 
learned about sex from my peers. 
PLAYBOY: Have you discussed the subject 
with Marston and Cooper? 

HEFNER: No subject is taboo in our home. 
If you make a 
a false sense of fascination. And, as we 
know, sex is fascinating enough without 
anyone's help [smiles]. If you let taboos 
brcak down the communication between 
you and your children when they're 
young, then when they become adoles- 
cents you pay the price—and so do the 
children. What we try to do is create an 
environment where, when they have 
questions about anything, they get ап 
swers, and the answers are true. 
PLAYBOY: In that spirit, we have some 
questions about the one subject we 
have not yet discussed, your marriage 
with and separation from Kimberley 

air enough. 

How are you handling the 
separation? 

HEFNER: I'm still in love with the girl next. 
door, but I'm much happier now than | 
was when we were married. 

PLAYBOY: How are the boys dealing with 
the situation? 

HEFNER: They make very clear to Mom- 
my, in particular, that they want us back 
together, which is to be expected. And at 
the sa 
trauma, because they are here almost 


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every day. I've kept their room intact at 
the Mansion, and I see them constantly. 
PLAYBOY: How are you dealing with it 
emotionally? 

HEFNER: Kimberley and 1 have remained 
very close, which makes it easier for both 
of us. The most painful period came be- 
fore the separation, but l've discovered 
that for some, myself included, marriage 
is not the final answer. I worked very 
hard at the marriage. I had no trouble 
being faithful to it for ten years. But was 
ita natural state for me? АЙ 1 can say is, 
T'm happier now. I think my ideas about 
love and romance are stronger than my 
notions of "happily ever after." 1 loved 
Kimberley then and I love her now. I al- 
ways will. And she loves me. In fact, she 
probably loves me more now than she 
did when we were married. 

PLAYBOY: Why do you say that? 

HEFNER: Sometimes a little distance adds 
perspective. 

PLAYBOY: Have you done a postmortem 
on your marriage to figure out what 
went wrong? 

HEFNER: Oh, yes. One thing | expressed 
before we got married was, “I don't want 
my life to change dramatically. You 
know, I don’t want to stop seeing my 
friends.” Years had gone into the cre- 
ation of this life and I'm a very fortunate 
fellow to have it. It's like when 1 was a 
kid. Mine was the home where all the 
children came to play. In part, that's still 
what my life is about today. There were 
occasions, understandably, when Kim- 
berley wished there weren't so many 
friends around. But the truth of the mat- 
ter is that the second half of every eve- 
ning we were always alone 

PLAYBOY. What did you do with that 
time? 

HEFNER: Too often we were alone then, 
100. [Pauses] The things that made the 
marriage fail were rooted in different in- 
terests and different emotional sensibili- 
ties. I'm intensely romantic and I think 
Kimberley, to some extent, is afraid of 
that kind of emotional commitment. I al- 
so think the marriage was, for me, a safe 
harbor not unlike my parents’ marriage. 
The Eighties were a very difficult time 
for me, both personally and for the com- 
pany. My marriage reflected those times, 
and then the times, and those needs, 
changed. 

PLAYBOY: Did you go to counseling? 
HEFNER: We did, off and on for three or 
four years, and not only at the end. But 
I really didn't need a counselor to ex- 
plain what went wrong. In retrospect, I 
think the fact that we were not better 
suited for our marriage is because nei- 
ther of us is well suited for marriage, pe- 
riod. Quite apart from my own particu- 
lar needs, I don't think that Kimberley 
is capable of a really lasting marital re- 
lationship. I doubt very much that she 
will ever marry anybody else. 1 doubt 
that she will ever love anybody as much 
244 as she loved me. 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: What makes you so sure? 
HEFNER: What's missing is the ability to 
make an emotional commitment because 
of the fear that somehow it'll be taken 
away. For Kimberley, I think it comes 
from the insecurities of her own child- 
hood; she came from a broken home. 1 
knew that at the outset and it made me 
feel closer to her. It added to my love. 
Later, it made me feel that I had to try to 
make things work for her and the chik 
dren, even more than for me. That's 
why I'm here for them now and always, 
and why they live in this wonderful es- 
tate next door with an open gate be- 
tween the two properties. Both she and 
the children know that we're still a fami- 
ly and always will be. 

PLAYBOY: Have your girlfriends met 
Kimberley? 

HEFNER: They've met her but not togeth- 
er with me. Kimberley is over here regu- 
larly with the children and she uses the 
gym every day. 

PLAYBOY: What if you're in the Grotto 
with someone when she drops by? It's 
just one wall away from her house 
Wouldn't that feel peculiar? 

HEFNER: It would be uncomfortable for 
me in any party setting. I don't want to 
flaunt the situation or hurt anyone on ei- 
ther side. Honestly, I feel fortunate that 
it's working as well as it is now, and I 
want to try to keep it that way as much аз 
possible—for Kim, for the girls and for 
the children. 

PLAYBOY: How do you feel about Kimber- 
ley's boyfriends in your children's lives— 
and being right next door? 

HEFNER: Kimberley doesn't date a great 
deal, but some boyfriends have been 
over there. There was at least one occa- 
sion when she was dating Rod Stewart, 
when his children and our children, with 
my approval, came over and swam in the 
pool. But 1 haven't had to deal with the 
situation where she's seriously emotion- 
ally involved as yet. 

PLAYBOY: And when that happens? 
HEFNER: ГП deal with it when the time 
comes. For now, Kimberley has said her 
heart isn't open for another relationship. 
She's devoted to the children now. The 
press suggested that there was some- 
thing more serious with Rod, but it 
wasn't that way for her at all. She didn't 
like the scene. 

PLAYBOY: How did you feel about her dat- 
ing Donald Trump? 

HEFNER: She did that to get my ацеп- 
tion. The Donald might like it to be 
something more, but they're just good 
friends. 

PLAYBOY: Although you married Kimber- 
ley, some people think it should have 
been Barbi Benton—that she was the 
perlect wife you never married 

HEFNER: I know, but that relationship 
ended because it was clear that 1 didn't 
want to make the commitment. Quite 
obviously, in any retelling of my life, Bar 
Ы is important. In the late Sixties, I start- 


ed coming to California regularly то host 
Playboy After Dark, and 1 first met her on 
the set of that show. She was the one who 
found the property that became Playboy 
Mansion West. When I got the Big Bunny 
jet, we traveled the world together. And 
Barbi was there during the bizarre drug 
investigation that led to the death of my 
secretary Bobbie Arnstein. These were 
major events in my life. And they came 
at a time when Вай own star was on 
the rise as a successful country-and-west- 
ern singer. 

PLAYBOY: You have said that that relation- 
ship had special significance for you. 
HEFNER: Yes. I think that Barbi was the 
romanticized, Hollywood reincarnation 
of my great unrequited love in high 
school, a girl named Betty Conklin 
There are even physical similarities. 
With Barbi, I got to complete a relation- 
ship that never was. 

PLAYBOY: How fond was Kimberley of 
hearing Barbi's name? 

HEFNER: Not much. She wasn't jealous of 
but she didn’t like all the attention 
Barbi received in those documentarie: 
But that’s how it happened. Meanwhile, 
I married Kimberley and had children 
with her, not Barbi 
PLAYBOY: After the separation from Kim- 
berley, what did it feel like the first time 
you took another woman to bed? 
HEFNER: Strange. 

PLAYBOY: Any guilt? 

HEFNER: No. It just seemed unnatural. 
Kimberley just went away and it really 
wasn't an official separation: she decid- 
ed she wanted to take the kids to Hawaii 
for New Year's Eve. I said, “Why do you 
want to go away during the holidays and 
not be together?” But her family was go- 
ing, so she went. The separation became 
official afterward, in January and Febru- 
ary of 1998. It was March or April before 
1 really began dating. Lo and behold, 
the beginning of April, Viagra arrived. 
Talk about timing. 

PLAYBOY: And then you met Brande, 5а 
dy and Mandy. 

HEFNER: Yes. And timing really is every- 
thing. I'ma most lucky fellow. 

PLAYBOY: Several close friends have died 
this past year—Mel Tormé, Shel Silver- 
stein, and most recently, your secretary 
Joni Mattis. Do you fear death? 

HEFNER: No. I’m very comfortable with 
the nature of life and death, and that we 
come to an end. What's most difficult to 
imagine is that those dreams and early 
yearnings and desires of childhood and 
adolescence will also disappear. But who 
knows? Maybe they become part of the 
eternal whatever. 

PLAYBOY: What do you believe happens 
alter death? 

HEFNER: 1 haven't a clue. I'm always 
ick by the people who think they do 
е a clue. It's perfectly clear to me that 
religion is а myth. It’s something we 


invented to explain the inexplica- 


my life come from a sense of connection 
то humankind and nature on this planet 
and in the universe. Tam in overwhelm- 
ing awe of it all: It is so fantastic, so com- 
plex, so beyond comprehension. What 
docs it all mean—ifit has meaning at all? 
But how can it all exist if it doesn't have 
some kind of meaning? I think anyone 
who suggests that they have the answer 
is motivated by the need to invent an- 
swers, because we have no answers. 
PLAYBOY: So worrying about it is useless? 
HEFNER: That's a given. Woody Allen 
pointed it out in Annie Hall—and I'm 
paraphrasing: “How can you be happy 
when you know that in a billion years the 
sun is going to explode?” Then, in Man- 
hattan, he thinks about those things that 
make life sweet; Potato Head Blues by 
Louis Armstrong, Groucho Marx. We all 
have our own little list. 

PLAYBOY: What's on yours? 

HEFNER: The memories of childhood. 
Dreaming my dreams. The Montclare 
Theater and those images on the silver 
screen. Bix Beiderbecke's ГИ Be a Friend 
With Pleasure. Alice Faye’s smile. The 
corniest things, I’m afraid [smiles]. One 
reason 1 love the Playboy Mansion prop- 
erty is because it's so dose to nature. I'm 
able to walk among the trees and the 
flowers and the birds, and have that 
sense of a universal connection. My re- 
ligion is a perfect day or a wonderful 
evening here in the backyard where 1 
can hear the crickets ав 1 did in child- 
hood. 1 watch hummingbirds come to 
the feeders outside the windows of my 
office in the attic. A couple sparrows 
have built a nest right inside the bed- 
room window. From very early on, it was 
easier for me to connect to nature and to 
animals than it was to people. 

PLAYBOY: How so? 

HEFNER: The myth of Tarzan and his 
mate: Those films about a man and his 
mate alone in the jungle, connected to 
nature, had a great influence. Civiliza- 
tion and the white hunter were the ene- 
my who wanted to intrude and destroy 
that idyllic, Edenesque life. 

PLAYBOY: When people look at your life, 
is there a single lesson you hope they can 
learn? 

HEFNER: Ifit represents anything, my life 
is an example of how you don't have to 
live by somebody else's rules. You don't 
have to be limited by preconceived ideas 
about sex or age or anything. We are 
handed a life by our parents. Itis shaped 
by our peers and society as a whole. You 
can accept that life and simply walk in 
march step to that particular drummer, 
or you can find your own way, reinvent 
yourself and become who you want to 
be. Life 
you take it into your own hands and pur- 
sue your own dreams. If you don't do 
that, you will never know what might 
have been. You will never know. 


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CITIES on the MOON 


(continued from page 168) 
Internet research? No! Step into a re- 
al library, swim in the aquarium of time, 
touch the books, open the books, smell 
the books, dog-car the damned won- 
drous things with your canines. Wander 
the shadowed stacks, meet the Wizard 
and John Carter and Blind Pew coming 
the other way. Climb the stacks like an 
ape. Meet Verne on his way to the Moon, 
the first Sherpa on Everest, or Nemo. 
What's he doing up here at the Bottom 
of the Sca? Lug ten books home, with 
their scent of baking bread and their 
bright eyes and lively tongues. 


PLAYBOY 


Glancing back at the 20th century and 
promising that the 21st will be better, 
let's review some truths. 

Since 1900, the automobile truly hit 
ground and, lo! the highways fused sea 
to shining sea. And with that invention, 
and the roads to cozen it, the slaves were 
freed. The cotton patches of the South 
were trampled by field hands in flight. 

Without the invented car and its free- 
dom gas, there would have been no 
Great Escape. Minus the sounds of dis- 
tant occupations broadcast on crystal 
and heterodyne radios the bust-out 
north, east and west would have been 
stillborn. Moviehouse flickers showed 
what radios could not: far towns paved 
with gold, orange groves in which to 
hide the past, live for futures. Indepen- 
dence declared lay doggo until radio 
Со! Get! Become!” Newsreels af- 

firmed, and a promise of highways so 
fresh you left tiremarks in tar. The pre- 
World War I trickle became the hallelu- 
jah midcentury scramble. 

For the grumpers who say let's remake 
the 20th century and do it right, let me 
list our virtues: 

Dr. Salk's vaccine, which vanquished 
parents' dread when July arrived and 
children were crippled or killed by polio. 

Destroyed en masse, all the other ma- 
jor diseases that decimated millions. In- 
fluenza, chicken pox, measles, scarlet 
fever, tuberculosis, gone. Almost forever. 
TB has returned but will be gone again. 

In counterbalance? AIDS, syph 
gonorrhea. But these will disappear 
by 2099. 

Human beings will not, repeat not, be 
cloned in the new millennium. We al- 
ready have twins. Who wants more? 

All major American cities will be re- 
conceived, rebuilt. We know how and 
will do, 

State capitals could well relocate on 
Iroquois, Havasupi and Algonquin casi- 
no reservations. 

An Indian or Native American (your 
choice) will be president of the United 
States. Vice president will be a person of 
color whose ancestors stoked the Missis- 

246 sippi steamboats. 


At long last, education will be arm- 
wrestled free of the Washington spoilers 
and pass into the creative hands of not 
yokels but locals. 

As any half-bright student, mom or 
“Teach” knows, education is a hand-to- 
hand, in-your-face dialogue. Distant 
Washington elves and fairy horns do not 
drift downwind to waft over your typical 
schoolhouse, they are lost in static pa- 
per-snow blizzards. Education should 
not descend from the top but arise from 
the bottom. Its escalation will be given 
lift by inspired teachers, alert parents, 
and students who wander into class bear- 
ing unfamiliar books, destined to be read 
at Canaveral, Moonbase and New Cl 
go Mars. Quoting Admiral Byrd on his 
way to the South Pole: “Jules Verne leads 
me.” Arthur C. Clarke, Robert Heinlein, 
Isaac Asimov and others born in space 
never to return will teach nonreaders 
how and why to read. Their premise: 
Live forever. The suddenly sit-upright 
student response: Yeah! 

On a lesser level, consider that new- 
born vaudevillian: the videocassette. It 
will seize and dominate all future politi- 
cal campaigns. Realizing that the hourly 
bombardment of opinion is beyond fund- 
ing, the various parties, right and left, 
will Mardi Gras a downslide of cassettes, 
light and dark, to flood our eyes and 
ears and tempt our blind paws to vote. 
‘The superb truth in dispensing video- 
cassettes is that you trade your untruths 
with your neighbor and watch his win- 
dow to sce if it's played, then borrow his 
spin to cook your TV set and twitch your 
surfing finger. These trumpet-and-bray 
tapes, distributed, will be el cheapo com- 
pared to cable or satellite charges. Best 
of all, the outraged truths of vapid politi- 
cos can be saved for generations and re- 
run late-nights to remind the sainted left 
and right that they are walking wound- 
ed. Hurling their crutches aside, they 
will try to protest their lies and be vote- 
tossed out the side exits. 

In the midst of this, with a confeder- 
ation of astronautical nations and the 
unlimited Universe above, the Greatest 
War will occur. The Third World War, 
actually, a war against space, time and 
eternity, a war of creation rather than 
destruction, at the end of which some 
few will have suffered, others died, but 
most prevailed to inhabit the air and 
populate alien worlds. 

With a space station built on the good 
gray foundation ground of the Moon, 
we will send celebratory fireworks to at 
last landfall Mars, not to photo-scan but 
step-forth flesh-and-blood astronauts on 
the rim of that grand abyss, longer and 
wider than the U.S.A., and stare deep in 
its mirror to spy more futures. 

In an essay published years ago, I de- 
scribed our destiny as we are the carpenters 
of an invisible cathedral, seen first with our 
intuition and then rocket-assembled in 
place. An architecture of belief in future 


life that speaks this motto: 

Carpe diem, seize the day. But more: 
Witness and celebrate, We will ask our- 
selves why we were Earthborn in igno- 
rance to lift our intelligence and outpace 
death. To what purpose? 

An old question repeated like a cele- 
bratory prayer wheel. Why is mankind 
on Earth, faced with monkey puzzle ge- 
netics? The answer is this: 

The Universe needs to be seen. It can- 
not exist without us. If we vanish, the 
Cosmos vanishes. 

Our ego speaks a superb lie to urge us 
to persist, to conquer time and its melt- 
down of flesh. 

Our souls cry thanks to the Universe, 
the Cosmos, the Godhead, for our birth 
and being. We need to prayerfully cry 
that thanks. 

Space travel then is a Thanksgiving 
journey with a Vatican-Shinto-Muslim- 
Baptist choir to outpace Beethoven and 
shake the stars in their дуге, 

We see, we know, we cry gratitudes 
and save the Universe from darkness by 
saving it with our sight, banking it in 
our souls and speaking it in tongues. We 
do not go gentle into that good night, we 
go raving with joy and will settle for 
nothing less than reciprocal gratitude 
from the Cosmos. 

Alexander Pope's Rape of the Lock puts 
it thusly: 


Nou lakes of liquid gold, Elysian scenes 
And crystal domes and angels in 
machines. 


‘The angels and devils in machines will 
be us—on our way to Doomsday, or 
headlong for Heaven, and that Heav- 
en's name is Moon, Mars and the Uni- 
verse beyond, so small it nests in the 
human heart, so vast it explodes the hu- 
man soul. 

And by the end of the third millenni- 
um, what? 

We will have footprinted the Moon, 
migrated to Mars, ricocheted off Sat- 
urr's rings to reach out and touch a 
hoped-for world circumnavigating Al- 
pha Centauri. 

We will do just that to seed the Uni- 
verse with bad and good, hope and de- 
spair, carrying the memory of Hitler and 
the promise of Christ. 

We defy old Shakespeare's cry that we 
are just sound and fury signifying noth- 
ing. Our sounding fury will signify some- 
thing. A silent Universe speaks because 
we speak. A blind Universe sees because 
we see. An unknowing Universe knows 
because we know. 

Who says? I say. 

So you will say it, and your children’s 
children’s children. 

We will outlive war and shout-claim 
the Universe. 

And live forever, or a million years. 
Whichever comes first. 


"And my message for the next millennium—keep it up!” 


247 


PLAYBOY 


248 


No Space Like Home (continued from page 192) 


Mead's vision for the luxury living space of the future 
evokes the early 20th century private railroad car. 


use in the Seventies as a viewing aid for 
automobile design (among other things), 
allows a true three-dimensional presen- 
tation without the need for cumbersome 
two-channel glasses. The image appears 
to float in full walk-around dimension 
from any angle tangent to the edge of a 
200-degree concave screen. 

If entertainment plans call for formal 
dining, the host ship offers an extensive 
choice of full-course meals, with delivery 
and cleanup services provided by ship 
personnel. For casual dining and every- 
day eating, there is a food preparation 
nook tucked behind the waterfall that 
serves as a complete kitchen. Eight food 
modules nesting against the wall can be 
moved by programmable traction sliders 
to reconfigure into the selected dispens- 


rm ER . 


ing arrangements. Two of the modules 
dispense hot and cold hors d'oeuvres, 
which are stored frozen and then can be 
flash-thawed when desired. Two other 
modules dispense hot and cold liquids, 
including filtered water, soft drinks, cof- 
fees and teas. The remaining four mod- 
ules dispense fruit and crudités, sauces 
and dips, and, because some male food 
habits never change, a wide selection of 
snacks. For late-night noshing, the mod- 
ules can be sent to the upper level by re- 
mote-controlled elevator. 

Adjacent to the food area is a two-sto- 
гу, 12-foot-diameter wet-core cylinder 
that regulates water circulation func- 
tions throughout the unit. On this lev- 
el, the cylinder contains a toilet, the 
wet functions of the food prep area, sink 


and disposal, waste chute and a washer 
and drier. 

The walls and ceiling in this area of 
the unit are holographic display panels 
that create the illusion of a stylized grove 
of foliage gently swaying in the breeze. 
The random silhouettes of leaf and limb 
serve as a reminder of earth's natural 
beauty. 

In the RGB lounge, directly behind 
the stairs, pneumatic seating provides an 
infinite arrangement of shapes and pat- 
terns. Programmable electrolumines- 
cent fabrics shift in pauern and intensity. 
to suit any mood. A holographic projec- 
tion screen makes that early 21st century 
home entertainment center, with its 52- 
inch digital TV, 2 quaint memory. Too 
bad there’s no more NEL. 

Now on to the upper level. The office 
area at the top of the stairs is the elec- 
tronic nexus that brings our pod to life. 
A marble-topped desk and pneumatic 
chair that contours to individual pos- 
tures are there along with a voice-link 
command system that enables instanta- 
neous interuniversal communication. 
And when you don't feel like speaking to 
anyone, you can put all calls on hold 
with a voice command. 

Beyond the office area is the curved 
perimeter of the spacious bedroom and 
the upper section of the wet-core cyl- 
inder, which houses an environmental 
chamber. This facility combines the func 
tions of shower, Jacuzzi, steam room, 
tanning bed and fitness gym. In other 
words, you'll save a fortune on health 
club fees. The pneumatic couches, of 
course, change shape on request to form 
ise or to match the contours of the 
included are his and her toilets 
and washstand compartments. 

The doorway of the environmental 
chamber leads into the bedroom and the 
oversize double queen bed. At each cor- 
ner of the foot of the bed is an ottoman 
that slides out at the touch of a button to 
allow for seating against the softly tex- 
tured walls. Overhead, an animated 
RGB tapestry is programmed to play out 
classic scenes from history. The mirrored 
surface behind the bed presents moving 
patterns that duplicate orbital projec- 
tions of earlier space exploration, and 
solily-lit mirrored walls along the side of 
it produce shadowy reflections accented 
by randomly shifting RGB routines. 

While these programmable enhance- 
ments combine to produce a stimulating 
atmosphere, the real delight is derived 
from a natural source: the awesome 
sights in space through the window- 
paned ceiling. Alone, or with someone 
special, it's easy to relax while contem- 
plating the universe, bringing to mind 
the mantra of real-estate selection—loca- 
tion, location, location. 


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PLAYBOY 


FUTURE OF VICE 

(conlinued from page 98) 
of Student Affairs for Northwestern Uni- 
versity. The second match was the 1998 
Who's Who in the Men's and Boys’ Wear 
Industry. (Confidential to the Men's and 
Boys’ Wear Industry: You might want to 
give Northernlight.com a call about your 
listing.) 

I pressed on, narrowing my search to 
the promising-sounding Personal Pages 
folder provided by the search engine. 
I was rewarded with 179,635 vicious 
items. But as I cleansed my already 
fogged glasses in anticipation of sever- 
al hours of delightful research—what a 
great assignment—I found that the first 
five listings included a roster of agricul- 
tural organizations and the bylaws of the 
American Philatelic Society. 

As a youngster, I collected stamps, and 
I can recall nothing vicious in it. Had 


Y MILLENNIUM 
puses auam 


TINE 


CONDOMS 


MATCHBOOKS 
wr PHONE NUMBERS 


RETIRED DRU 
Гесссес 


A 


с 
N 


BLUBRYPOLAROIDS 
OF MY FRIENDS 


there been developments in the gentle, 
even noble field of philately since 1 had 
put down the magnifying glass? Or had 
some non-English-speaking data enterer 
in Malaysia aurally confused the words 
philately and fellatio? I puzzled, eventu- 
ally deciding that the only link between 
the two pursuits was the repeated ad- 
ministration of a fleshy organ of the 
mouth. Among the top-ranked vice sites, 
the only listing that seemed worthy of 
the category was the Bylaws of Kappa 
Omicron Chapter, Alpha Phi Omega 

I then instructed Northernlight.com 
to search its capacious hippocampus for 
listings of the word virtue. Thus we ar- 
rive at the bad news: There were a mere 
470,923 listings in this category. This 
amounts to a vice-to-virtue ratio of about. 
ten to one. To be honest, I did not pe- 
ruse the half-million entries under this 
frankly boring category. 1 did make it 
through several hundred of the vice list- 


MONICA 
LEWINSKY'S 
KNEE FADS 


ILL 
CLINTON'S 
CIGARS 


VIAGRACHEWABLES 


SHARON 
STONE'SFANTIES 


China Brome- 


ings, and finally did have to go stand un- 
der an icy shower. When I returned to 
my desk, I found that I had forgotten to 
log off and my hard drive was very hard 
indeed. 

What does this inquiry tell us? Not 
much, to be honest, though it was fun 
surfing through it all. A little more rum- 
maging produced, courtesy of the Van- 
couver Public Library's Fort Knox-like 
quotation bank, the following gem by 
the great Unitarian Ralph Waldo Emer- 
son: "Men wish to be saved from the mis- 
chief of their vices, but not from their 
vices." Elsewhere, Emerson wrote that 
we recognized in the words of all great 
men our own stolen thoughts. So it 
seemed, once again, as I stared as this 
sagacious nugget on my screen. 

Still, this told me nothing of the future 
of vice. I decided to look at vice's past as 
a predictor of its future. I scanned more 
words by the wise. Finally, I came to this. 
courtesy of Tacitus, the Roman historian 
(хо. 55-117): “There will be vice as long 
as there are men." It's taking nothing 
away from Tacitus to say, No kidding. His 
is notan altogether elegant or even orig- 
inal thought, even for something uuered 
2000 years ago. But then Tacitus man- 
aged to survive the parlous reigns of 
some of the most spectacularly vicious 
emperors of human history—Tiberius, 
whose indulgences in his pleasure villas 
on the isle of Capri included using little 
babies ав, well, never mind; Nero, whose 
later reign included, among other felici- 
tous innovations, the practice of using 
members of the new Jesus sect as street- 
lamps; and Vespasian, who inaugurated 
his new coliseum with an opening day 
slaughter of 5000 animals (the number 
of humans slaughtered that day does 
not, oddly, survive). Given his times, Tac- 
itus' somewhat stern, moralizing tone in 
stories should at least be placed in 
context. 

Who's to say that the old scold might 
nor look at the Rome of today, whose 
symbol is not a depraved or fiddling em- 
peror but a frail, stooped old man in 
white, standing on a balcony every Sun- 
day at 11:00, blessing the crowd gath- 
cred below, wishing peace to the world 
beyond the square, and conclude that 
even if vice is going to be with us as long 
as there are men, some definite changes 
had taken place during the sanguinary 
two millennia since his sandals trod the 
stones of the Eternal City? Two thousand 
years ago, the most powerful ruler on 
earth could do whatever he wanted in 
private. Today, the most powerful man 
оп earth can do—whatever he wants to 
in private. But if he gets caught, we get 
to make fun of him, and he can't use us 
for streetlights. That's progress. Mean- 
while, something simply must be done 
about those reprobates at the American 
Philatelic Society. 


Millenntumn д 


(continued from page 106) 
ofa рогйу man with the florid jowly face 
of a Roman Caesar. "What's going on? 
Where's the fire?" 

"A bomb," the man gasped. "In the 
Sistine Chapel!” 

“No.” cried Vulpius. "Impossible! 
Unthinkable!” 

“The church will go next. Run!” He 
broke free of Vulpius' grasp and went 
sprinting away. 

Vulpius, though, found himself un- 
able to flee. He took a couple of wob- 
bly steps toward the obelisk at the center 
of the plaza. The pillar of fire above 
the Vatican roof was growing broader. 
The air was stiflingly hot. It will all be. 
destroyed, he thought, the Chapel, the 
Rooms of Raphael, the Vatican Library, 
the entire dazzling horde of treasures 
that he had visited only a few hours be- 
fore. They have struck again, it seems. 
They. They. 

He reached the steps at the base of the 
obelisk and paused there, panting in the 
heat. An oddly familiar face swam ир out 
of the smoky haze: bald head, prominent 
nose, intensely penetrating eyes. Unfor- 
gettable eyes. 

The little man from Istanbul, the day 
when the ruins had been destroyed 

Beside him was the other little man, 
the one with the thick bushy hair and 
moody, poetic gaze. Leaning against the 
obelisk itself was the very big one, the 
handsome man with the immense shoul- 
ders. And, next to him, the wiry, long- 
legged one. 

"The same four men Vulpius had seen 
at Istanbul. Staring wide-eyed, trans- 
fixed by the sight of the burning build- 
ing. Their faces, red with the reflection 
of the fiery glow overhead. displayed 
a kind of grim joy, an almost ecstatic 
delight. 

Another catastrophe, and the same 
four men present at it? That went be- 
yond the possibilities of coincidence. 

No. No. 

Not a coincidence at all. 


He has been pursuing them around 
the world ever since, traveling now not 
asa tourist but as a secret agent of the in- 
formal governmental police that main- 
tains such order as is still necessary to be 
enforced in the world. He has seen them 
at their filthy work, again and again, one 
monstrous cataclysm after another. The 
trashing of the Taj Mahal, the attack on 
Tibet's lofty Potala, the tumbling of the 
Parthenon, high on its acropolis above 
the lake that once was Athens. They are 
always present at these acts of premillen- 
nial vandalism. Sois he, now. He has tak- 
en care, though, not to let them see him. 
By this time he knows their names. 
The little one with the terrifying star- 
ing eyes is called Pablo Picasso. He had 


been cloned from the remains of some 
famous artist of a thousand years before. 
Vulpius has taken the trouble to look up 
some of the original Picasso's work: 
There is plenty of it in every museum, 
wild, stark, garish, utterly incomprehen- 
sible paintings, vomen shown in profile 
with both eyes visible at once, humanoid 
monsters with the heads of bulls, jum- 
bled gaudy landscapes showing scenes 
not to be found anywhere in the real 
world. But of course this Picasso is only 
a clone, fabricated from a scrap of the 
genetic material of his ancient name- 
sake; whatever other sins he may have 
committed, he cannot be blamed for 
the paintings. Nor does he commit new 
ones of the same disagreeable sort, or of 
any sort at all. No one paints pictures 
anymore. 

‘The other little man is Albert Einstein, 
another clone fashioned from a man 
of the previous millennium—a thinker, 
a scientist, responsible for something 
called the theory of relativity. Vulpius 
has been unable to discover precisely 
what that theory was, but it hardly mat- 
ters, since the present Einstein probably 
has no idea of its meaning either. Science 
itself is as obsolete as painting. All that 
was in need of discovering has long since 
been discovered. 

The big husky man's name is Ernest 
Hemingway. He too owes his existence 
to a shred of DNA retrieved from the 
thuusand-years-gone corpse of a cele- 
brated figure, this one a writer. Vulpius 
has retrieved some of the first Heming- 
way's work from the archives. It means 
little to him, but perhaps it has lost some- 
thing in translation into modern Anglic. 
And in any case the writing and reading 
of stories are diversions that are no lon- 
ger widely practiced. The 20th century 
historical context that Vulpius consults 
indicates that in his own tire, at least, 
Hemingway was considered an impor- 
tant man of letters. 

Vjong Cleversmith, the fourth of the 
vandals, has been cloned from а man 
dead a little less than 200 years, which 
means that no grave-robbing was neces- 
sary in order to obtain the cells from 
which he was grown. The ancestral Clev- 
ersmith, like nearly everyone else in re- 
cent centuries, had left samples of his ge- 
netic material on deposit in the cloning 
vaults. The record indicates that he was 
an architec: The Great Singapore Tow- 
ет, brought now to ruination by his own 
posthumous gene-bearer, was regarded 
as his masterwork. 

The very concept of cloning makes 
Vulpius queasy. There is a ghoulishness 
about it, an ccriness, that he dislikes. 

There is no way to replicate in clones 
the special qualities, good or bad, that 
distinguished the people from whom 
they were drawn. The resemblance is 
purely a physical one. Those who specify 
that they are to be cloned after death 
may believe that they are attaining 


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4 251 


PLAYBOY 


immortality of a sort, but to Vulpius it 
has always seemed that what is achieved 
is a facsimile of the original, a kind of an- 
imated statue, a mere external simula- 
tion. Yet the practice is all but universal. 
In the past 500 years the people of the 
third millennium have come to dislike 
the risks and burdens of actual child- 
bearing and child rearing. Even though 
a lifetime of two centuries is no longer 
unusual, the increasing refusal to re- 
produce and the slow but steady emi- 
gration to the various artificial satellite 
planetoids have brought the number 
of earth’s inhabitants to its lowest level 
since prehistoric times. Cloning is prac- 
ticed not only as an amusement but as a 
necessary means of fending off depopu- 
lation as well. 

Vulpius himself has occasionally 
played with the notion that he too is a 
clone. He has only vague memories of 
his parents, who are mere blurred elon- 
gated shadows in his mind, faceless and 
unknowable, and sometimes he thinks 
he has imagined even those. There is no 
evidence to support this: His progeni- 
tors’ names are set down in the archives, 
though the last contact he had with ei- 
ther of them was at the age of four. But 
again and again he finds himself toying 
with the thought that he could not have 
been conceived of man and woman in 
the ancient sweaty way, but instead was 
assembled and decanted under laborato- 
ry conditions. Many people he knows 
have this fantasy. 

But for this quartet, these men whom 
Vulpius has followed across the world all 
this year, clonehood is no fantasy. They 
are genuine replicas of men who lived 
long ago. And now they spend their days 
taking a terrible revenge against the 
world's surviving antiquities. Why was 
that? What pleasure did this rampage of 
destruction give them? Could it be that 
clones were different from naturally con- 
ceived folk, that they lacked all rever- 
ence for the artifacts of other times? 

Vulpius wants very much to know 
what drives them. More than that, they 
must be stopped from doing further 
mischief. The time has come to confront 
them directly, straightforwardly, and 
command them in the name of civiliza- 
tion to halt. 

To do that, he supposes, he will have 
to hike up the flank of the Matterhorn to 
their secluded lodge close to the summit. 
He has been there once already to plant. 
the spy-eye and found it a long and ar- 
duous walk that he is not eager to make 
a second time. But luck is with him. 
They have chosen to descend into the 
town of Zermatt this bright warm after- 
noon. Vulpius encounters Hemingway 
and Einstein in the cobbled, swaybacked 
main street, outside a pretty little shop 
whose dark half-timbered facade gives it 
a look of incalculable age: a survivor, no 
doubt, of that long-ago era when there 


252 were no palm trees here, when this high- 


land valley and the mighty Alpine peak 
just beyond it were part of winter's bleak 
realm, a land eternally imprisoned in ice 
and snow, a playground for those who 
thrived on chilly pleasures. 

“Excuse me,” Vulpius says, approach- 
ing them boldly. 

They look at him uneasily. Perhaps 
they realize that they have seen him 
more than once before. 

But he intends to be nothing if not 
forthright with them. "Yes, you know 
me,” he tells them. “My name is Strettin 
Vulpius. I was there the day Istanbul was 
destroyed. I was in the plaza outside St. 
Peter’s when the Vatican burned.” 

“Were you, now?” says Hemingway. 
His eyes narrow like a sleepy cat's. “Ye 
come to think of it, you do look famili 

“Agra,” Vulpius says. “Lhasa. Athen 

“He gets around,” says Einstein. 

“A world traveler,” says Hemingway, 
nodding. 

Picasso now has joined the group, with 
Cleversmith just behind him. Vulpius 
says, “You'll be departing soon for Paris, 
won't you?” 

“What's that?" Cleversmith asks, look- 
ing startled. 

Hemingway leans over and whispers 
something in his ear. Cleversmith's ex- 
pression darkens. 

“Let there be no pretense,” says Vul- 
pius stonily. “1 know what you have 
in mind, but the Louvre must not be 
touched." 

Picasso says, “There's nothing in it but 
a lot of dusty junk, you know." 

Vulpius shakes his head. “Junk to you, 
perhaps. To the rest of us the things 
you've been destroying are precious. 1 
say, enough is enough. You've had your 
fun. Now it has to stop." 

Cleversmith indicates the colossal 
mass of the Matterhorn above the town. 
"You've been eavesdropping on us, have 
you?" 

“For the past five or six days." 

“That isn't polite, you know.” 

"And blowing up museums is?" 

"Everyone's entitled to some sort of. 
pastime,” says Cleversmith. "Why do 
you want to interfere vith ours?" 

"You actually expect me to answer 
thag” 

“It seems like a reasonable question 
to me.” 

Vulpius does not quite know, for the 
moment, how to reply to that. Into his 
silence Picasso says, “Do we really need 
to stand here discussing all this in the 
public street? We've got some excellent 
brandy in our lodge." 


It does not occur to Vulpius except in 
the most theoretical way that he might 
be in danger. Touching off an eruption 
of Mount Vesuvius, causing the founda- 
tion of the Washington Monument to 
give way, dropping a turbulence bomb 
amid the ruins of Byzantium, all these 


are activities of one certain sort; actually 
taking human life is a different kind of 
thing entirely. It is not done. There has 
not been an instance of it in centuries. 

The possibility exists, of course, that 
these four might well be capable of it. No 
one has destroyed any museums in a 
long time either, perhaps not since the 
savage and brutal 20th century in which 
the originals of three of these four men 
lived their lives. But these are not actual 
men of the 20th century. and. in any 
case, from what Vulpius knows of their 
originals he doubts that they themselves 
would have been capable of murder. He 
will take his chances up above. 

The brandy is, in fact, superb. Picasso 
pours with a free hand, filling and refill- 
ing the sparkling bowl-shaped glasses. 
Only Hemingway refuses to partake. He 
is not, he explains, fond of drinking. 

Vulpius is astonished by the moun- 
8 elegance and comfort. Не 

isited it surreptitiously the week 
before, entering in the absence of the 
conspirators to plant his spy-eye, but 
stayed only long enough then to do the 
job. Now he has the opportunity to view 
it in detail. It is a magnificent aerie, a 
chain of seven spherical rooms clinging 
to a craggy out-thrust fang of the Mat- 
terhorn. Great gleaming windows every- 
where provide views of the surrounding 
peaks and spires and the huge breath- 
taking chasm that separates the moun- 
tain from the town below. The air out 
side is moist and mild. Tropical vines 
and blossoming shrubs grow all about. It 
is hard even to imagine that this once 
was a place of glittering glaciers and kill- 
ing cold. 

“Tell us," Cleversmith says after а 
while, "why it is you believe that the ar- 
tifacts of the former world are worthy 
of continued preservation. Eh, Vulpius? 
What do you say?" 

"You have it upside down," Vulpius 
says. "I don't need to do any defending. 
You do." 

“Do I? We do as we please. For us it is 
pleasant sport. No lives are lost. Mere 
useless objects are swept into noncxis- 
tence, which they deserve. What possible 
objection can you have to that?" 

“They are the world's heritage. They 
are all we have to show for 10,000 years 
of civilization." 

"Listen to him," says Einstein, laugh- 
ing. “Civilization!” 

"Civilization," says Hemingway, "gave 
us the great warming. There was ice up 
here once, you know. There were huge 
ice packs at both poles. They melted and 
flooded half the planet. The ancients 
caused that to happen. Is that something 
to be proud of, what they did?" 

“I think it is," Vulpius says with a defi- 
ant glare. “It brought us our wonderful 
gende climate. We have parks and gar- 
dens everywhere, even in these moun- 
tains. Would you prefer ice and snow?” 
“Then there's war,” Cleversmith says. 


wedge that goes through Vulpius with 
shattering force. In a single frightful mo- 
ment he sees that all is over, that the 
many months of his quest have been 
pointless. He has no power to thwart this 
d of passionate intensity. That much 
is clear to him now. They are making an 
art form out of destruction, it seems. 
Very well. Let them do as the) pleasc. 
Let them. Let them. If this is what they 
need to do, he thinks, what business is it 
of his? There's no way his logic can be 
any match for their lunacy. 

Cleversmith is saying, "Do you know 
what a train is, Vulpius?" 

“A train. Yes." 

“We're at the station. The train is com- 
ing, the Millennium Express. It'll take us 
from the toxic past to the radiant future. 
We don't want to miss the train, do we, 
Vulpius?" 

"The train is coming," says Vulpius. 
"Yes." Picasso, irrepressible, waves yet 
another flask of brandy at him. Vulpius 
shakes him off. Outside, the first shafts of 
golden sunlight are cutting through the 
dense atmospheric vapors. Jagged Al- 
pine peaks, mantled in jungle greenery 
reddened by the new day, glow in the 
distance, Mont Blanc to the west, the 
Jungfrau in the north, Monte Rosa to 
the east. The gray-green plains of Italy 
unroll southward. 

“This is our last chance to save our- 
selves,” says Cleversmith urgently. “We 
have to act now, before the new era can 
get a grasp on us and throttle us into 
obedience." He looms up before Vulpi- 
us, weaving in the dimness of the room 
like a serpent. “I ask you to help us.” 

“Surely you can't expect me to take 
part in 

“Decide for us, at least. The Louvre 
has to go. That's a given. Well, then: Im- 
plosion or explosion, which is it to be?” 
says Einstein, swaying 
n front of Vulpius. The 

soft eyes beg for his support. Behind 
him, Hemingway makes vociferous ges- 
tures of agreement. 

“No,” Picasso says. “Blow it up!” He 
flings his arms outward. “Boom! Boom!" 

“Boom, yes,” says Cleversmith very 
quietly. “I agree. So, Vulpius, you will 
cast the deciding vote.” 

"No. 1 absolutely refuse to— 

“Which? Which? One or the other?” 

‘They march around and around him, 
demanding that he decide the issue for 
them. They will keep him here, he sees, 
until he yields. Well, what difference 
does it make—explode, implode? De- 
struction is destruction. 

“Suppose we toss a coin for it,” Clev- 
ersmith says finally, and the others nod 
eager agreement. Vulpius is not sure 
what that means, tossing a coin, but sighs 
in relief: Apparently he is off the hook. 
But then Cleversmith produces a sleek 
bright disk of silvery metal from his 
pocket and presses it into Vulpius’ palm. 

254 “Here,” he says. “You do it.” 


PLAYBOY 


Coinage is long obsolete. This is an ar- 
шас, hundreds of years old, probably 
stolen from some museum. It bears a 
surging three-tailed comet on one face 
and the solar system symbol on the oth- 
er. “Heads, we explode; tails, we im- 
plode,” Einstein declares. “Go on, dear 
friend. Toss it and catch it and tell us 
which side is up.” They crowd in, close 
up against him. Vulpius tosses the coin 
aloft, catches it with a desperate lunge, 
claps it down against the back of his left 
hand. Holds it covered for a moment. 
Reveals it. The comet is showing. But is 
that side heads or tails? He has no idea. 

Cleversmith says sternly, “Well? Heads 
or tails?” 

Vulpius, at the last extremity of fa- 
tigue, smiles benignly up at him. Heads 
or tails, what does it matter? What con- 
cern of his is any of this? 

“Heads,” he announces randomly. 
“Explosion.” 

“Boom!” exclaims a jubilant Picasso. 
“Boom! Boom! Boom!” 

“My friend, you have our deepest 
thanks," Cleversmith says. “We are all 
agreed, then, that the decision is final? 
Ernest? Albert?” 

“May 1 go back to my hotel now?” 
Vulpius asks. 

They accompany him down the moun- 
tainside, see him home, wish him a fond 
farewell. But they are not quite done 
with him. He is still asleep, late that af- 
ternoon. when they come down into Zer- 
matt to fetch him. They are leaving for 
Paris at once, Cleversmith informs him, 
and he is invited to accompany them. He 
must witness their deed once more; he 
must give it his benediction. Helplessly 
he watches as they pack his bag. А car is 
waiting outside. 

“Paris,” 
they go. 

Picasso sits beside him. “Brandy?” he 
asks. 

“Thank you, no.” 

“Don’t mind if I do?" 

Vulpius shrugs. His head is pounding. 
Cleversmith and Hemingway, in the 
front seat, are singing raucously. Picasso, 
a moment later, joins in, and then Ein- 
stein. Fach one of them seems to be sing- 
ing in a different key. Vulpius takes the 
flask from Picasso and pours some bran- 
dy for himself with an unsteady hand. 

Vulpius rests at their hotel, a 
venerable gray heap just south of the 
Seine, while they go about their tasks. 
This is the moment to report them to the 
authorities, he knows. Briefly he strug- 
gles to find the will to do what is neces- 
sary. But it is not there. Somehow all de- 
sire to intervene has been burned out 
of him. Perhaps, he thinks, the all-too- 
placid world needs the goad of strife that 
these exasperating men so gleefully pro- 
vide. In any case the train is nearing the 
station; it's too late to halt it now. 

“Come with us,” Hemingway says, 
beckoning from the hallway. 


Cleversmith tells it, and off 


He follows them, willy-nilly. They lead 
him to the highest floor of the building 
and through a doorway that leads onto 
the roof. The sky is a wondrous black 
star-speckled vault overhead. Heavy 
tropic warmth hangs over Paris this De- 
cember night. Just before them lies the 
river, glinting by the light of a crescent 
moon. The row of ancient bookstalls 
along its rim is visible, and the bulk of 
the Louvre across the way, and the spires 
of Notre Dame far off to the right. 

“What time is it?” Einstein asks. 

“Almost midnight,” says Picasso. “Shall 
we do it, Vjong?" 

“As good a time as any,” Cleversmith 
says, and touches two tiny contacts 
together. 

For а moment nothing happens. Then 
there is a deafening sound and a fiery 
lance spurts up out of the glass pyramid 
in the courtyard of the museum on the 
far side of the river. Two straight fissures 
appear in the courtyard’s pavement, 
crossing at 90-degree angles, and quick- 
ly the entire surface of the courtyard 
peels upward and outward along the 
lines of the subterranean incision, hurl- 
ing two quadrants toward the river and 
flipping the other two backward into the 
streets of the Right Bank. As the ex- 
plosion gathers force, the thick-walled 
medieval buildings of the surrounding 
quadrangle of the Louvre are ca 
high into the air, the inner walls giving 
way first. then the dark line of the roof. 
Into the air go the hoarded treasures of 
the ages, Mona Lisa and the Winged Vic- 
tory of Samothrace, Venus de Milo and the 
Law-Codex of Hammurabi, Rembrandt 
and Botticelli, Michelangelo and Ru- 
bens, Titian and Brueghel and Bosch, all 
soaring grandly overhead. The citizenry 
of Paris, having heard that great boom, 
rush into the streets to watch the specta- 
cle. The midnight sky is raining the bil- 
lion fragments of a million masterpieces. 
The crowd is cheering. 

And then an even greater cry goes 
up, wrung spontaneously from 10,000 
throats. The hour of the new millenni- 
um has come. It is, very suddenly, the 
year 3000. Fireworks erupt everywhere, 
a dazzling sky-splitting display, brilliant 
reds and purples and greens forming 
sphere within sphere within sphere. 
Hemingway and Picasso are dancing to- 
gether about the rooftop, the big man 
and the small. Einstein does a wild so- 
lo, flinging his arms about. Cleversmith 
stands statue still, head thrown back, 
face a mask of ecstasy. Vulpius, who has 
begun to tremble with strange excite- 
ment, is surprised to find himself cheer- 
ing with all the rest. Unexpected tears of 
joy stream from his eyes. He is no longer 
able to deny the logic of these men's 
madness. The iron hand of the past has 
been flung aside. The new era will begin 
with a clean slate. 


“Ваше, bloodshed, bombs. People dying 
by tens of millions. We barely have tens 
of millions of people anymore, and they 
would kill off that many in no time at all 
in their wars. That's what the сї 
you love so much accomplished. That's 
what all these fancy temples and muse- 
ums commemorate, you know. Terror 
and destruction." 

“The Taj Mahal, Sistine Chapel- 

“Pretty in themselves,” says Einstein. 
“But get behind the prettiness and you 
find that they're just symbols of oppres- 
sion, conquest, tyranny. Wherever you 
look in the ancient world, that's what 
you find: oppression, conquest, tyranny. 
Better that all of that is swept away, 
wouldn't you think?” 

Vulpius is speechless. 

“Have another brandy,” Picasso says, 
and fills everyone's glass unasked. 

Vulpius sips. He's already had a little. 
too much, and perhaps there's some risk 
in having more just now, because he 
feels it already affecting his ability to re- 
spond to what they are saying. But it is 
awfully good. 

He shakes his head to clear it and sa; 
“Even if 1 were to accept what you claim, 
that everything beautiful left to us from 
the ancient world is linked in some way 
to the terrible crimes of the ancients, the 
fact is that those crimes are no longer be- 
ing committed. No matter what their 
origin, the beautiful objects that the peo- 
ple of the past left hehind ought ta be 
protected and admired for their great 
beauty, which perhaps we're incapable of 
duplicating today. Whereas if you're al 
lowed to have your way, we'll soon be left 
without anything that represents 

“What did you say?” Cleversmith in- 
terrupts. “Which perhaps we're inca- 
pable of duplicating today,’ wasn't it? 
Yes. That's what you said. And 1 quite 
agree. It's an issue we need to consid- 
er, my friend, because it has bearing on 
our dispute. Where's today's great art? 
Or great science, for that matter? Pi 
casso, Einstein, Hemingway—the origi- 
nal ones—who today can match their 
work?” 

Vulpius says, “And don't forget your 
own ancestor, Cleversmith, who built the 
Great Singapore Tower, which you your- 
self turned to so much rubble.” 

“My point exactly. He lived 200 years 
ago. We still had a litle creativity left, 
then. Now we function on the accumu- 
lated intellectual capital of the past 

“What are you talking about?” Vulpius 
says, bewildered. 

“Come. Here. Look out this window. 
What do you see?” 

“The mountainside. Your villa’s gar- 
den, and the forest beyond.” 

“A garden, yes. A glorious one. And оп 
and on right to the horizon, garden af- 
ter garden. It's Eden out there, Vulpius. 
That's an ancient name for paradise. 
Eden. We live in paradise." 

“Is there anything wrong with that?” 


"Nothing much gets accomplished in 
paradise," Hemingway says. "Look at 
the four of us: Picasso, Hemingway. Ein- 
stein, Cleversmith. What have we creat- 
ed in our lives, we four, that compares 
with the work of the earlier men who 
had those names?" 

"But you arent those men. You're 
nothing but clones." 

They seem stung by that for an in- 
stant. Then Cleversmith, recovering 
quickly, says, "Precisely so. We carry the 
genes of great ancient overachievers, but 
we do nothing to fulfill our own poten 
tial. We're superfluous men, mere ge- 
netic reservoirs. Where are our great 
works? It’s as though our famous fore- 
bears have done it all and nothing's left 
for us to attempt. 

"What would be the point of writing 
Hemingway's books all over again, or 
painting Picasso's paintings, ог 

“1 don't mean that. There's no need 
for us to do their work again, obviously, 
but why haven't we even done our own? 
ГИ tell you why. Life's too easy nowa- 
days. 1 mean that without strife, without 
challenge —” 

“No,” Vulpius says. “Ten minutes ago 
Einstein here was arguing that the Taj 
Mahal and the Sistine Chapel had to be 
destroyed because they're symbols of a 
bloody age oftyranny and war. That the- 
sis made very liule sense to me, but let it 
pass, because now you seem to be telling 
me that what we need most in the world 
is a revival of war——' 

“ОҒ challenge,” says Cleversmith. Не 
leans forward. His entire body is taut. 
His eyes now have taken on some of the 
intensity of Picasso's. In a low voice he 
says, "We are slaves to the past, do you 
know that? Out of that grisly brutal 
world that lies a thousand ycars behind 
us came the soft life that we all lead to- 


day, which is killing us with laziness and 
boredom. It’s antiquity's final joke. We 
have to sweep it all away, Vulpius. We 
have to make the world risky again. Give 
him another drink, Pablo." 

*No. Гус had enough." 

But Picasso pours. Vulpius drinks. 

“Let me see if 1 understand what you 
are trying to say” 


Somewhere during the long boozy 
night the truth finds him like an arrow 
coursing through darkness: These men 
are fiercely resentful of being clones and 
want to destroy the world’s past so that 
their own lives can at last be decoupled 
from it. They may be striking at the Blue 
Mosque and the Sistine Chapel, but their 
real targets are Picasso, Hemingway, 
Cleversmith and Einstein. And, some- 
where much later in that sleepless night, 
just as а jade-hued dawn streaked with 
broad swirling swaths of scarlet and to- 
paz is breaking over the Alps, Vulpius’ 
own resistance to their misdeeds breaks 
down. He is more tipsy than he has ever 
been before, and weary almost to tears 
besides. And when Picasso suddenly 
says, "By the way, Vulpius, what are the 
great accomplishments of your life?” he 
collapses inwardly before the thrust. 

“Mine?” he says dully, blinking in 
confusion. 

“Yes. We're mere clones, and nothing 
much is to be expected from us, but 
what have you managed to do with your 
time?” 

“Well, I travel, I observe, 1 study 
phenomena——" 

"And then what?" 

He pauses a moment. “Why, nothing. 
1 take the next trip." 

“Ah. I sec.” 

Picasso's cold smile is diabolical, a 


Hure 


"Oh, I won't forget. You get a BMW convertible and your 
ex-husband gets a lump of coal.” 


253 


“No need to explain, folks. When you make your living sliding down chimneys in 
the middle of the night, nolhing surprises you!" 


255 


PLAYBOY 


256 


FUTURE OF VIRTUE 
(continued from page 99) 
and mother reduces their reliance on 
public health care); some serve moral 
ends (incest is an ethical taboo). To steal 
a horse, back when your horse was criti- 
cal to your livelihood, could get you 
hanged. They also hanged sailors disre- 
spectful of the (necessarily) omnipotent 
captain of a ship. The varying severity of 
sanctions imposed reflected the cultural 
perspectives and moral temperature of 
the tablet-keepers of the day. Moses or- 
dained capital punishment for a dozen 
offenses; the current Pope counsels an 
end to capital punishment for any offense. 

Immanuel Kant taught that we could 
deduce most of the commonly accepted 
ues from the operative needs of so- 
cial life, 1f you permit the theft of other 
people's property, your own property is 
forfeit. If you don't enforce a contract, 
commercial activity becomes problemat- 
ic. If you scorn minority rights, the 
majority has reason to fear for its own 
status, suddenly transient. An acknowl- 
edgment of the rights of John is a virtue 
We do not covet his goods or his wife and 
we love him as ourselves. 

Now, rights are protected by govern- 
ment, actively (the robber goes to jail) or 
passively (Congress shall pass no law 
abridging free speech). But entrusting to 
government the protection of rights is a 
dodgy business inasmuch as government 
is a primary aggressor. H.L. Mencken 
called government “the enemy of every 
industrious and well-disposed man.” 
There is a lot of 100-proof Mencken in 
that reductionism—but also a heavy 
dose of historical prudence. The gov- 
ernment is, year after year, century af. 
ter century, the primary predator on 
human freedom. So isn't the contain- 
ment of government а virtue? The Bill of 


Rights was an explicit containment of 
government. Wasn't it then a “virtuous” 
accomplishment? 

Q: You've said that the defense of oth- 
ers rights is a virtue. Are you now saying 
that freedom is a virtue? 

A: No, because freedom can activate 
the good as well as the bad. And freedom 
is subject to limitations, because it can be 
abused. But what is an abuse of your 
freedom, this side of the John—Jane kin- 
dergarten level of abuse (don't kill or 
steal)? Isn't it sometimes an act of good- 
ness—a practice of virtue—to exert social 
and political duress? It is likely the next 
generation(s) will tell us, however mean- 
deringly, that the progressively intimate 
interactions of the modern age will re- 
quire proportional limitations on indi- 
vidual choice. A hundred years ago you 
didn’t need traffic lights. 


Ayn Rand wrote a book in the tra- 
dition of the utopian tract. In Anthem, 
people find themselves in isolation and 
devise, after a long period of experimen- 
tation, what is best for all and for опе 
They discover capitalism and freedom— 
the worship of which consumed much of 
Rand's life not devoted to self-worship. 
Her idea was interesting, She said that if 
people are left absolutely alone—cut off 
from patrimony or tradition—she knows 
which are the virtues that will crystallize. 
Aiding the orphan and visiting the in- 
firm? No, no, such biblical virtues are in 
the discredited tradition of the Good 
Samaritan. Ms. Rand disdained “altru- 
ism.” Altruism gets in the way of egoistic 
satisfactions (the pursuit of which is the 
primary end of life) 

Altruism is what happens when one 
individual increases the welfare of an- 
other at the expense of his own. 


“Shall we start with some hors d'oeuvres?" 


Randism (“objectivism”) bumps into a 
problem here because a gene complex 
can evidently pass through a population 
without requiring the survival of any one 
individual. As one analyst put it, "If you 
die to save ten close relatives, one carrier 
of the ‘kin altruism’ genetic message is 
lost, but a large number—those of your 
relatives—are saved.” 


ous behavior—intuit the point in going 
out of one's vay to teach the neighbor's 
neglected child how to read or how to 
play baseball? 

So, you have to ask real questions 
about real life. Unless we have a proper 
doomsday nuclear event, we won't be 
going through an Anthem-like social re- 
birth. We're going to depend on wadi- 
tions. My guess is that the mightiest en- 
gine in promoting virtue will continue to 
be religion, the opposite of objectivism, 
inasmuch as it teaches not self-concern 
but self-sacrifice, and not indifference to 
others but a strenuous love of others. It 
teaches picty. 

Never mind that we'll probably swim 
right over Y2K, maybe not even notic- 
ing more than a ripple or two. But the 
cyberworld looms, and life is closing in 
on us. That's OK. You don't need open 
spaces to practice virtue—you can prac- 
tice virne in a slave camp alongside an 
Ivan Denisovich. 

But the more congested life is, the 
more traffic lights one has to expect. 
And the socicty is healthier that yields to 
traffic lights out of concern less for the 
law than for a genial concern for others. 

These, then, are the antipodes ahead: 
the straitened confinement of man in 
modern society, hemmed in by the fruits 
(the computer) and the curses (the nu- 
clear bomb) of technology—and the vin- 
dication of man through the emancipat- 
ing pursuit of virtue. My generation was 
taught that the tightness of space in 
Japan induced the extraordinary cour- 
tesies associated with. n culture. To- 
morrow America will still be a land of 
vast uncrowded areas, but wherever we 
hide, the cybercloud will hover over us 
We'll hear, then, the call for transcen- 
dent thought. The pursuit of happiness 
and the pursuit of virtue vill fuse in the 
great meltdown of the next millennium. 

So what of lying by the chief of state? 
Of suborning the confidence of the peo- 
ple? The culture that let that happen 
needs to be revitalized. It simply doesn't 
work if everybody lies and nobody cai 
The old virtues are sitting around, and 
the challenge is to reaffirm their tenure, 
even as we did Clinton's in a thoughtless 
moment. And to remind ourselves of the. 
high credentials of the virtues Clinton 
scorned. 


One or Two Steps Benno 
(continued from page 187) 
someone else who'd have to pay for it. 

Who would have thought any pet 
could be so expensive? 

At the end of the day the cab came. Не 
bundled the cat-in-the-box in his muffler 
and into the cab, and the cab crawled 
southward, slowly southward, the box 
on his lap. 

The cabdriver was silent. The early 
night—you couldn't call it evening— 
shut down cold and final. He was go- 
ing to the beauty whom he did not love, 
with a gift to propitiate her after no 
quarrel or outward break but the assur- 
ance that she, as he, knew that it did 
not work. 

He gave the cat to her. He marveled 
at her ability, her honesty, it seemed to 
him—at their ability to face the issue. 

She looked at the gift and looked 
at him. 

“Thank you," she said. “I'm sorry that 
we were not everything t each other 
that I'd hoped we'd be.” At that instant 
he almost regretted and was sorry and a 
bit frightened that he could not regret 
the break. 

He left her with the cat. Afraid, in the 
last moments, that she would return it 
to him—he didn't want the thing, he 
couldn't live with it at the hotel, and he 
did not want to attempt to ask the store 
to take it back and meet, he was sure, 
their refusal to do so. 

He was comforted by the penance of 
the gift's expense. Well, he thought, 
that's something. . 

He nodded at her, and, as there 
seemed nothing more to say, he left 


Years later, in New York, he saw her 
again. 

He had been married to a woman he 
did not love, and had, since the first 
moments of marriage, been “making it 
work.” 

He'd gone for a walk to get out of the 
house, and on his walk he saw her. 

She came over to him and smiled. She 
lived, it seemed, right in the neighbor- 
hood. She asked him to come up to her 
flat for a cup of tea. 

He said he heard she had a fellow; 
were they still together? 

“Yes,” she said. “Now he's out of 
town.” 

It was a small bright apartment, look- 
ing down the avenue; so neat and pleas- 
ant. Naturally resembling her room in 
the other flat. 

Simple and spare and clean. Like her. 

She said, as it was Sunday, would he 
like a drink? She thought she'd make a 
daiquiri; would he prefer that to tea? 

АП right, he said, and she made dai- 
quiris. She said, of her man, that they 
were not getting along so well these 
days, and she made some reference—he 


could never, as he thought back, recol- 
lect exactly what—to the man's short- 
comings as a lover. 

No, he was away, she said. 

She asked after him. “1 heard you 
were married," she said. 

“Yes” 

He drank the drink and felt mature 
and self-directed—two adults, account- 
able only to their senses of the fitting, 
having the unusual daylight drink. They 
drank the pitcher of drinks and then 
another. 

"This is a beautiful apartment," he 
said. 

“Yes. I like the light. Do you know 
why, though," she said, "the people 
across the way—can you sec, where the 
shade is up? Most mornings, almost ev- 
ery morning, they're in there, he is in 
there, and making love. Almost every 
morning." 

He looked out across the narrow 
street to the window that she seemed to 
indicate. 

“Making love," she said. And they had 
another drink 

After a while he looked at his watch. 

“Well,” he said. “Well, I suppose. . . .” 

They talked a short while more, and 
she made some reference to their affair. 
He lefi feeling adult and pleased with 
himself, and somewhat sorry for his 
friend, who had, it seemed, an unhappy 
time with her lover. 

Such a lovely woman, he thought 
Never saw a lovelier. 

And he went back to his wife. 


Years later, once again in Chicago, 
he was being bright and jovial at some 
dinner of friends, trading jokes, warm 
and familiar at some restaurant—in for 
the evening, out of the cold. 

One joke prompted another and he 
was reminded of the old man and the 
way he'd broken his hip. 

“Well,” the old man said, “I was on the 
library ladder, and some book must have 
made me think back to my first trip to 
France. I was just a boy. There I was, in 
the hotel. And this pretty young cham- 
bermaid came in. A lovely little thing, 
and turned down the bed, and asked me 
was there anything else she could do. 
And I said, "Thank you, no." 

“Well, she dusted and fussed, and 
asked was there anything else that I'd 
want. And I said no. 

“And she plumped up the pillows and 
asked was I sure that there was nothing 
else she could do for me, and I said, 
"Thank you, no.’ And she lefi. 

"Then," the old man said, “there I was 
on the ladder, and it finally dawned 
on me what she had been talking about 
the whole time, and | fell off and broke 


my hip." 
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PLAYBOY 


258 


Rupert Everett 

(continued from page 221) 
about the product, analyzing why people 
do and don't want you, is counterpro- 
ductive because most of the time you're 
not wanted. The best way to get through 
those times is to believe that everyone 
who doesn't want you is stupid and if 
they don't get you yet, they will. 


5 


PLAYBOY: You're writing a movie about a 
gay secret agent. What kind of special 
gizmos might James Bond's Q equip 
your character with? 

EVERETT: Poison condoms [laughs]. But 
this isn't meant to be a campy movie. It's 
more like John Woo's version. The char- 
acter I'm going to play, Tarquin Thynne, 
is ruthless and cold and he enjoys the vi- 
olence to a certain extent—like Bond 
does in the books. When he knew he had 
to kill somebody, he wanted to do it well. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Bond was no slave to fashion. 
Are you? 

EVERETT: Never. Fashion is a nice thing 
for women, but 1 think it's rather undig- 
nified for men. It's a very dodgy thing. 
There's nothing more queeny than this 
Joan Rivers-inspired obsession with 
male fashion. I'm embarrassed for ev- 
eryone when a man attends an awards 
show and is forced to talk about who 


сет. 


\ YoU JANE. / 


made his suit. I can't stand men who аге 
too fashion-conscious. A man needs a 
suit if he needs a suit; otherwise, a track- 
suit or a pair of jeans will do. Bond had 
a pristine appearance, but 1 don't think 
that has to do with following fashion. 1 
don't get the impression that in the late 
Sixties he was suddenly wearing bell-bot- 
tom trousers, and in the Seventies he 
switched to corduroy suits. Bond wore a 
Saville Row suit with a white shirt and 
sensible tie through the Fifties, Sixties 
and Seventies. 


7 


PLAYBOY: You went to an English public 
school run by Benedictine monks. What 
was the discipline like? 

EVERETT: They all smelled a bit musty, 
the monks, but they're actually a nice 
crowd. Sweet. They were pretty liberal 
in Catholic terms. Of course, I hated 
them at the time. Being in an English 
public school was boring because the 
English upper class is boring. They're 
bluff, tweedy bores. From an early age, I 
dreamed of a life on the boards, or at 
least a life somewhere away from where 
I was. The toughest discipline consisted 
of having to run to this town about eight 
miles away and then run back. I had to 
do it a few times before I learned I could 
just sit by the wayside and smoke ciga- 
rettes behind a bush. The nastiest thing 
about that school was the hierarchy 
among the kids. The monks were dis- 


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tracted, and they left the running of the 
place to the elder boys. Sort of Lord of the 
Flies, everyone vying for supremacy in a 
way I didn't particularly like. 


8 


ince Edward has finally mar- 
ill this be the one union among 
the Queen's brood that will stand the test 
of time? What challenges might he face 
after walking down the aisle? 
EVERETT: I'm not a Royal botanicalist, but 
I believe the Queen has been disappoint- 
ed with her other sons because she's 
been a stubborn cow. And her husband is 
a litle upstart. gs have shifted quite 
a bit in England since it gave up its em- 
pire, and since the war, but there are 
many of my parents’ generation who re- 
fuse to let go of the empire ruler mental- 
ity. Many of their kids were brought up 
utterly unprepared to face a modern 
world, and no one's done it more so than 
the Queen and Prince Philip. You have 
to look at the pictures of Prince Charles, 
when he was five, meeting the Queen 
when she came back from а long state 
tour. He was only allowed to shake 
hands with her. His are totally dysfunc- 
tional parents. They're extremely proud 
and arrogant, and are determined not to 
move into the 20th century. Their publi- 
cists are these groping brigadiers and 
colonels who haven't got a clue about. 
how to work the media. From my limited 
royal watching, I fccl that the kids aic 
much nicer than the parents and they 
and their wives have had a really hard 
time of it, especially Prince Charles, be- 
cause of the Queen's and Philip's in- 
flexibility and their personal grandeur. 
Prince Philip is this stickler for tradition. 
I think he's a thoroughly unpleasant 
man. | feel sorry for those kids. Prince 
Edward looks like а пісе guy and I hope 
his marriage works out well. But if I 
were a woman you couldn't pay me any 
amount to enter that family. 


9 


PLAYBOY: What's the difference between 
the English and American usage of the 
word cunt? 

EVERETT: Simple. In England, it's a word 
you can use. That's all. Here it's another 
very good word lost to political correct- 
ness. 1 don't mind bad words—for in- 
stance, fuck. | think it's amazing that it's 
a swearword. After all, it's something 
most everyone likes doing. It’s sweet and 
harmless. We've overanalyzed things to 
make something pejorative out of an ex- 
perience that's so nice. Thats a weird 
madness. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Because you're what's called an 
“openly gay actor,” you've been deemed 
the ambassador to straight America. Did 
that please you or did the subtext of be- 
ing “acceptable” ruffle your feathe 


EVERETT: You're going too far. Perhaps it 
was in some way naive, but to tell you the 
truth, I didn't think twice about it. My 
acting career has nothing to do with my 
don't want to be a role mod- 
el. I don't want to be the Shirley Temple 
of the gay world. If, as a homosexual 
man, I'm part of some movement and 
progress, I'm pleased. I'm not an ac- 
tivist, but I'm happy to stand up and be 
counted. I really just want to be an actor. 
Tf that means playing some gay charac- 
ters, fine. I'm writing movies in which 1 
play gay characters. But whatever I am is 
because of my career as an actor and 
nothing else. If I weren't an actor first 
and foremost, we wouldn't even be here 
talking. 


11 


PLAYBOY: True. What's the most pleasant 
legacy of having done Mj Bes! Friend's 
Wedding? 
EVERETT: Talking endlessly about being 
gay to the media [pauses]. I'm being sar- 
castic [sighs]. The most pleasant legacy is 
the career opportunity it's given me at а 
point when I didn't really expect one. I 
had a kind of success early on and then it 
dispersed, partly through being in the 
wrong place at the wrong time, and part- 
ly because when you're a kid you don't 
realize that nothing is going to last forev- 
er. You put off lots of things; you don't 
respect events enough. When you're old- 
er you think twice before doing things. 
Having success at this age, I’m more 
aware that it’s a difficult thing to come by 
and I want to maximize my potential. 1 
realize that with one false move, it could 
disappear. I know that it's a gamble. But 
while I'm at the roulette table 1 want to 
play with all my might 

As for talking about being gay, if I 
might come back to that, the thing is that 
it becomes boring after a while. I was gay 
last year, I'm gay this year, I'll be gay 
next year and I just can't be bothered to 
во on about it all the time. There must 
be more interesting things than just be- 
ing gay. Yet most questions come back to 
being gay. I'm talking about my gay 
projects and I'm talking about acting gay 
and being gay at school. You don't talk to 
a straight actor about their straight proj- 
ects, or about their being straight in 
school. But I'm forced to endlessly ex- 
pl all this. And I find that after a cer- 
tain point it becomes frustrating. It's not 
that I want to avoid the fact of what I am, 
but I don't want my whole fucking exis- 
tence to be about being gay. I don't see 
the point. What's also unfair is that when 
people read this, it looks like that's all 1 
want to talk about. No one gets the fact 
that it’s you asking me endlessly about 
the subject. 


12 


PLAYBOY: OK. You've been in two movies 
with the word monkey in the tide—Jnside 


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260 


Monkey Zetterland and В. Monkey—and 
you've астей with a monkey in Dunston 
Checks In. What are you trying to tell us? 
EVERETT: [Laughs] Not much. However, 
the monkey I worked with was, quite 
honestly, one of my most riveting scene 
partners to date. Actors, onstage or on 
film, are pretty much thinking all the 
time, How can I steal this scene? What 
can I do? When the other actor is mak- 
ing a speech should 1 set myself on fire, 
so that I pull the focus? But a monkey is 
more of a prima donna than any actress 
you'll ever work with, The monkey is in- 
terested in doing three takes at the most. 
Also, the monkey is the most manipula- 
tive monster you'll ever come across. He 
will watch you unul he figures out your 
weak spots. In Dunston, | wore a hair- 
piece with a big widow's peak. One day 
the monkey watched me put it on. Dur- 
ing the scene, he bided his time until 
1 had a line and then, poof! He pulled 
it off my head and stole the moment. 
When you act with a monkey you have to 
leave your own ego behind and stop 
worrying about how to act, because ev- 
erything revolves around him. Monkeys, 
by the way, are not dumb animals. My 
co-star had the intelligence of a four- or 
five-year-old child. 


13 


PLAYBOY: In Dunston Checks In you did an 
homage to the English comic actor Ter- 
ту-1 homas. lake us through 1.1.5 oeu- 
уге, and tell us why we should appreci- 
ate this underappreciated guy. 

EVERETT: Terry is famous for films like 
Haw to Murder Your Wife, with Jack Lem- 


mon and Virna Lisi—I'd love to do a re- 
make of that—but I discovered him in 
children’s movies like Those Magnificent 
6 Machines. He was part 
п of great eccentrics be- 
tween the Thirties and the Sixties in 
England. Terry was the ultimate cad, 
scared stiff of everyone but putting on a 
front. In other words, he's a complete 
fake who pretends to have a moral fiber 
according to an old-boy code. But he 
gets everything wrong. And he hasn't 
even dealt with sex. There are very few 
films in which you see him make any ef- 
fort with a woman because he's just too 
much of a tragic wimp. But he's very 
funny and he had the great look that in- 
cluded the gap between his front teeth 
and a mustache with a litte bit cut off in 
the middle, which accentuated the gap. 
Terry could also go from lunatic, farcical 
acting to very tender moments in which 
he pulled down the facade. He had asad 
ending—broke and alone with Parkin- 
son's disease. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Some scholars believe Chris- 
topher Marlowe wrote some of Shake- 
speare's best plays. You played Marlowe 
in Shakespeare in Love yet went uncred- 
ited on screen. Was that a tongue-in- 
cheek gesture? 

EVERETT: Oh my God, I wish I'd thought 
of that. No, it wasn't really. My uncredit- 
ed performance came about only be- 
cause 1 didn't really see the point of be- 
ing credited for such a tiny part. Also, 1 
remember seeing The Boy Friend by Ken 
Russell. Glenda Jackson makes an un- 


“Prices vary. How many resolutions did you want to break?” 


credited appearance in the first scene. 
So you spend the rest of the film going, 
“Was that Glenda?" It's a good moment, 
kind of a glamorous thing. It’s fun, and 
better than being listed and pissing off 
someone who then expects more of you 
in the film. 


15 


PLAYBOY: You spent a year and a half in 
Russia making a miniseries of the classic 
And Quiet Flows the Don, Care to give us 
the dos and don'ts for touring the for- 
mer Evil Empire? 

EVERETT: Of course, Russia has complete- 
ly changed since 1 was there, І arrived 
a week before the Yeltsin coup against 
Gorbachev. I was working with this 70- 
year-old director who'd also made the 
definitive version of War and Peace. 1 
played a folk hero, Grigory Melekhox. 

There's no equivalent anywhere in the 
world to this character; everyone has a 
picture of him in their car, he's so fa- 
mous. And, speaking of being gay, when 
the director realized that he'd hired а 
homosexual actor to play this biggest of 
folk heroes, his world fell apart [laughs]. 

Being in Russia was the most fantastic 
experience. And. luckily. because of my 
public school upbringing, I was real- 
ly the only person who could deal with 
it. You're not just cauterized in pub- 
lic schools, in some ways it's like you're 
in prison. You live in this huge, freezing 
cold dormitory with iron beds. You use 
sink rooms—rooms with a million sinks 
and toilets. It's a very spartan life. So the 
first morning I woke up in Russia in my 
luxury apartment covered in red welts 
from the bed bugs, 1 thought nothing of 
it. For the first few weeks there was no 
hot water. The first week our next-door 
neighbor burned to death. His body, as 
well as all his furniture, was carried out 
at four in the morning and dumped on 
the street. The mattress and blankets, a 
chest of drawers, his bedside lamp. It 
was summer. When autumn came the 
leaves fell on the mattress, which had a 
big hole burned in the middle. In winter, 
snow fell and you could see the oudine 
of the gutted lampshade. Spring came 
and thawed it all. 

I also had a guy cooking for me, and 
he served me porridge every morning. 
If any were left over he'd put it outside 
for the birds. My neighbors found out 
and tried to stab him, because their lives 
were so extreme that feeding the birds 
was insulting. 


16 


pLavsov: You've played moody, sulking 
characters. Can you explain Montgom- 
ery С 
EVERETT: He came from an era when 
everyone celebrated suffering in and for 
art. That was the iconography of the 
Seventies, as 1 was growing up. I read 
about Clift and James Dean crashing 


their cars. It was all about Baudelaire 
and Rimbaud. One's aim in life was to 
suffer; you wanted to be in a relationship 
that made you miserable. That's how 
you discovered the contours of life. The 
Eighties brought Thatcherism and Rea 
gansim, and suffering was completely 
thrown by the wayside and nobody want- 
ed to hear about anything apart from 
positive, forward thinking. Get the mon- 
ey and run. There's something interest- 
ing about that, too, but it's different from 
the world Montgomery Clift inbabited 
The last actor I saw who had that in him 
was Eric Roberts. 1 felt he could shatter 
at any moment. I don't know if you 
could sell Montgomery Clift these days, 
because when you looked at his face you 
saw a great deal of conflict and an abyss 
of uncertainty and fear behind his eyes. 
It was attractive then, but not now. 


17 


PLAYBOY: When was the last time you 
were mistaken for that other English Ru- 
pert, Rupert Graves? 

EVERETT: We're both constantly mistaken 
for each other. But it's nota surprise. No 
one knows who anyone is. I remember 
my dad coming up to my house once 
and seeing a picture of Johnny Rotten 
on the wall. He said, *Hey, when did you 
have that taken?" 


18 


PLAYBOY: You take your Labrador, Moise, 
everywhere. What does а plane ticket for 
a dog cost these days? Can he carn fre- 
quent flier miles? 

: If you put him in the hold, it 
doesn't cost much. But if you want to 
buy him a seat on the Concorde, you 
can. Moise can't use frequent flier miles, 
but he can polish off the foie gras with 
death-defying professionalism 


19 


PLAYBOY: What's thc difference between a 
charmer and a seducer? 

EVERETT: I always think of seduction in a 
sexual context. Charm is more cocktail- 
hour stuff. Charm is easier [pauses]. To 
me, it's the difference between studio ex- 
ecutives and agents. 


20 


PLAYBOY: You once said you hated the 
term gay. So come up with a new one. 
EVERETT: 1 don't hate the term gay, it's 
just I was never bothered by those sup- 
posedly rude words like queer—which 1 
find attractive. Gay is so fucking bour- 
geois. It doesn't bear any resemblance 
in its true meaning to the state of being 
homosexual. We're not all this happy 
tle farm of munchkins. By the way, gay 
was also a horrible word in the Thirties, 
when it only meant having a good time 


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PLAYEOY'S 


261 


Мопеу 2000 


(continued from page 195) 
six to one on cumulative returns. But 
once innovation peaks and new products 
move mainstream with the gencration's 
rising spending cycle, large companies 
tend to outperform smaller ones. Large- 
company stocks have beaten small by 
more than two to one since 1983, and 
they should continue to have the edge 
into 2008. 

Debt trends peak around the age of 
34, just after the average family buys its 
first home. That's why debt trends ex- 
ploded into the Eighties and mid-Nine- 
ties. Since 1995 consumer debt trends 
peaked as a percentage of the 17.5. gross 
nauonal product and have since head- 
ed downward. The investment cycle ac- 
celerates in a person's mid-to-late 305, 
peaks in the early 50s and continues to 
grow (unlike spending) into the late 
605. That means we will see the greatest. 
flow of savings in history into stocks, 
and that's onc reason stocks are rising to 
higher valuation levels than in the past. 

But perhaps the most important trend 
in the coming decade will be the pow- 
er cycle of the huge baby boom genera- 
tion. Although new technologies emerge 
when the generation is young, the re- 
al revolution comes when the new peo 
ple move into their power years, from 
the late 30s into the late 50s, when they 
are finally in charge of corporations 
and governments and can bring radical 
changes to work and organizations. This 
is when new business models emerge— 
like the assembly line from 1913 into 


PLAYBOY 


THE SPENDING 


the Roaring Twenties, when automobiles 
and many new technologies suddenly be- 
came affordable to the masses and creat- 
ed the last massive consumer and life- 
style revolution. 

Think of the sudden emergence of the 
Internet mainstream and new direct 
producer-to-consumer business models 
such as Dell. Think of people moving 
from the suburbs to exurbs and resort 
towns, just as we shifted from the cities 
to the suburbs from the Twenties on. 
The real information revolution began 
in the mid-Nineties with the emergence 
of browser software. We are going to see 
a profound productivity revolution in 
the next decade and an economy that fi- 
nally organizes around the individual 
ized needs of consumers. 

What does that mean for you and me? 
It means investors would be wise to focus 
on large, growth companies in sectors 
that boomers will embrace, such as fi- 
nancial services (stock brokerages and 
banks), health care (pharmaceuticals, 
biotechs and medical equipment) and 
technology (software, hardware and in- 
ternet companies). And for internation- 
al diversification, Asía (not Japan but 
South Korea, Singapore, Hong Kong 
and Taiwan) has the strongest genera- 
tion cycle ahead 

We are about to witness the Roaring 
20005, the greatest boom in history. If 
you think we have seen dramatic chang- 
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Office Of The ure 


(continued from page 129) 
attractiveness of the average human and 
the fantasy images in the goggleputer. 
Real people will be no competition for 
the fantasies. No woman will be willing 
to settle for a real man when she can lick 
a chocolate-flavored pirate while simul- 
taneously shopping for shoes in her vir- 
tual world. And no man will want a real 
woman when he can experience a virtu- 
al Playmate whose quantity of breasts 
and their beverage contents are speci- 
fied by the user. 

Keyboards won't be necessary in the 
future because all typing will be voice 
controlled. But employees will still need 
some sort of mouse-pointing device. 
This is where aphrodisiacs in the air pro- 
vide a second benefit. For the men, every 
cubicle will have a zipper hole. As the 
male employees manipulate their per- 
sonal joysticks, the cursors in their gog- 
gles will respond accordingly. Women 
will use a variation on this theme—one 1 
predict will be wademarked under the 
clever name TitMouse. 

If you think people will be too embar- 
rassed to use their privates as comput- 
er input devices, you haven't considered 
the excellent personality-altering drugs 
coming to the market. A drug called 
Paxil is already prescribed for shyness 
I'm no doctor, but in theory there must 
be some level of medication that would 
make the average guy indifferent to us- 
ing his johnson аз а joystick. I'm sure 
researchers will work out those details. 1 
have confidence in science. 

Speaking of science, a new posthuman 
species will probably evolve rapidly in 
the next millennium, thanks to well- 
meaning but overzealous parents. 

Using genetic manipulation, they'll 
want to create children who have the 
best chances of gainful employment in 
the information economy. The so-called 
knowledge workers of the new millenni- 
um won't need big muscles or abundant 
courage. Those qualities have no pur- 
pose in the modern workplace. Employ- 
ers will prefer eyer-meeker employees 
who don't take up much space. The ide- 
al worker will have no sense of self-worth 
and will be small enough to fit inside a 
Pringles can. In the same fashion that di- 
nosaurs evolved into birds, oflice work- 
ers will evolve into pixie-sized, incredibly 
horny knowledge workers with no sense 
of prid. 

The “old,” large-sized humans will try 
to compete in the marketplace, but they 
will fail. Eventually the large people vill 
pursue their evolutionary fate and be- 
come domcsticated animals for the supe- 
rior pixie speci 

I hope that Hive long enough to enjoy 
the virtual grotto—but not long enough 
to become a pony ride at a pixie picnic. 


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264 


INNOVATIONS 


(continued from page 218) 
eight-track tapes, the car radio provides 
a soundtrack to the greatest movie of all- 
just driving around, taking in the land- 
scape, the endless mystery of the Ameri- 
can road. It’s also part of one of the most 
serene moments in cinema, when Sissy 
Spacek and Martin Sheen, as the two 
young killers in Badlands, stop on a back 
road and dance together in the head- 
lights to Nat "King" Cole on their car 
radio. 


BACKYARD BARBECUE GRILL. 

By-products of the GI Bill, the barbe- 
cue and the backyard came along togeth- 
er. Standing by his grill, flipping burgers 
or grilling steaks (bacon that he brought 
home), a man easily imagines himself 
squire of his estate. The barbecue re- 
established man's place as the original 


cook, drawing on skills that date back to 
the Cro-Magnon caves, his own culinary 
domain. You may be Barney Fife around 
the kitchen stove, but you're Dirty Fuck- 
ing Harry at the barbecue. 


PANTIES 

The evolution from the ponderous 
epic poem of bloomers to the exquisite 
haiku of panties is one of the most sub- 
lime and delightful developments of the 
century. No other refinement has so cap- 
tured the male psyche. The glorious par- 
adox of panties is that a woman is sex- 
ier in them than in nothing at all, more 
naked with them than without. That the 
verb “to pant” has insinuated itself into 
the word is clearly no accident. 


BIKINI 

After the advaı 
icine, the ЫК 
most important 


ек in science and med- 
unquestionably the 
vention of the century. 


“Every year, just for the hell of it, we invite one couple at 
random from the phone book.” 


It was introduced by two French design- 
ers in 1946 and it immediately swept Eu- 
rope. Puritanical America was late in 
catching on, needing the insipid beach 
movies of the Sixties to provide in: 
tion. But once it arrived, the ini in- 
delibly changed the landscape of every 
beach and swimming pool in thc nation. 
Fortunately, with few exceptions, bikinis 
are beholden to their own natural selec- 
tion. Those who can wear them, do. And 
those who do, wear them well, leading 
one to conclude that, like champagne 
and Elmore Leonard novels, there is no 
such thing as a bad bikini. 


WOMEN'S BEACH VOLLEYBALL 

An important aesthetic evolution can 
be seen in the transition from roller der- 
by to women's beach volleyball. These 
are majestic athletes—rall, lithe, skilled 
and powerful. The demands of the sport 
seem in collusion with a fan's desire to 
see the players stretch, leap and dive, the 
sand sticking to their firm, glistening 
thighs, There is no other sport like it, no 
other spectacle of feminine strength and 
agility. These are our 20th century Xe- 
nas, our Dianas, goddesses of the hunt. 


INSTANT REPLAY 

Once television became the primary 
stage of sporting events in America, 
something had to replace the fresh air, 
the smell of spilled beer and the roar of 
the crowd. It came about in the ear- 
ly Seventies with instant replay. which 
changed the way we look at any sporting 
event. Even at the stadium, we feel 
cheated if we can't see that slide into 
home a second time. Some argue that 
the instant replay radically alters the 
zeitgeist of sport, the sense of immedia- 
су, the temporal nature of competition. 
On the other hand, it took years for the 
newsreels to glorify Willie Mays catch of 
Vic Wertz’ fly. But Carlton Fisk, waving 
his ball fair in the 1975 Series, became 
an icon in only one night. 


REMOTE KEY 

We now own not only our cars, but al- 
so the space around our cars—an invis- 
ible “car zone” that we rule with the 
scepter of our remote key. Our cars bend 
to our regal will, open willingly and un- 
conditionally, with the slightest move- 
ment of our fingers. The accompanying 
beep is reassuring. When you leave your 
car. it says, "Dont worry about me. Go 
have a good time.” And when you re- 
turn, it welcomes you like a dog's bark or 
a lover's purr of delight. 


SNEAKERS 

Keds were the first in 1916. Converse 
followed not long after. They were shoes 
designed just for sports. Now you would 
be hard-pressed to find a person without 
a pair. Sneakers have become a socio- 
political statement, a billion-dollar in- 
dustry. And though cach generation of 
“athletic shoe" reflects advances i 
design and material, Wilt Chamberlain 


bodies and 
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266 


TO 


BUY 


ном 
FITNESS 
Page 42: "Great White Way": 
“The Gear": At sporting 


goods stores nationwide. 
“Snowshoe”: Green Moun- 
tain Club. 802-244-7037; Su- 
perior Hiking Trail, 218-663- 
7280. Vail ond Beaver Creek 
Resorts, 970-845-5313. 


MANTRACK 
Page 47: "NFL Players’ Par- 
y:" 888-65-PARTY. "Ital- 


епше. Tie by Mondo di Mar- 
со, at Bloomingdale's. Page 
161: Jacket and pants by 
Krizia Uomo. NYC. Shirt at 
Dolce & Gabbana boutiques. 


LITH-HOUR SANTA 
Pages 169-171: Luggage, 
888-828-5268. Scooter, 888- 
482-5538. Grappa, 732- 
542-0312. Computer, 800- 
233-6321, TV, 800-531- 
0039. Stereo, 800-010-2673. 


ian Connection:” 215-830- 
3300. Page 48: "New Ball Game:” 310- 
644-2244. "Guys Are Talking About": 
Watch, 800-321-4832. Car care, 800-782- 
3329. Racquet, 800-HEAD-USA. Razor, 
877-427-2067. Car rental, 877-387-3682. 


FASHION 

Page 156: Suit by Nicole Farhi, NYC, 212- 
223-8811. Page 157: Jacket by Fiorella 
Venezia, at Neiman Marcus, Beverly Hills. 
T-shirt, at Dolce & Gabbana boutiques. 
Pants by Vern, at Tyrone's, Roslyn, NY, 
516-484-3350. Pages 158-159: Jacket by 
Joseph Abboud, 800-999-0600. Shirt by Don- 
na Karan, at select Saks. Tie by Robert Tal- 
bott, 800-747-8778. Jacket by Krizia Uono, 
NYC, 212-879-1211. Tuxedo pants and 
tuxedo at Dolce & Gabbana boutiques. 
Shirt by Gene Meyer, at Heun, NYC. Top 
hat by New York Hat Co., at Hot Topic. 
Tuxedo by Verri, at Syd Jerome, Chicago. 
Shirt by Gene Meyer, at Oddity, Atlanta, 
404-685-9573. Tie by Mondo di Marco, at 
Bloomingdale's. Page 160: Jacket and 
pants by Paul Smith, NYC, 212-627-9770. 
Shirt by Donna Karan, at Saks Fifth Av- 


Bowling ball, 800-626- 
8350. Cyberframe, 800-222-7669. Phone, 
800-284-2264. 


THERE'S NO SPACE LIKE HOME 
Pages 188-193: For info, see sydmead.com. 


TURNING THE CORNER 
Pages 198-199: Recorder, 800-531-0039. 
Phone, 877-636-4447. Stereo, 818-998- 
7322, ext. 564. Camcorder, 800-211-7262. 
HPC, 800-538-9696. Camera, 800-886- 
3692, ext. 8. DVD player, 800-746-6337. 
Computer, 800-962-2746. Audio player, 
800-336-1900. 


ОМ THE SCENE 

Page 277: Bourbon, 800-774-7483. Irish 
whiskey at stores. Scotch, 800-628-5441, 
ext. 318. Brandy, 732-542-0312. Gin, 800- 
745-5042. Cigars, 800-453-5635. Cham- 
pagne, 800-733-9463. Ice bucket, 800- 
899-6366. Mixer, 800-526-5377. Barware, 
312-664-9700. 


Various products in this issue can be purchased 
online al www.produets.playboy.com 


CEM P а CASTA man LEN LORIE SONY PICTURES CLASSICS, F 30 РЫ 
A, AS RICHARD TEGLEY, P 47 NICH DIAMONDIPL AYERS INE. MY ЕКА ‘tsa 


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averaged 50 points a game in one sea- 
son, and Rod Laver won the Grand Slam, 
in nothing but canvas, cotton laces and 
rubber soles. 


SIX-PACK 

Icon of the “real America," emblem of 
Ше no-nonsense Babbitts that have been 
a force of unsophisticated honesty and 
ignorance throughout our history. Joe 
Six-Pack. An arbitrary number that has 
become mythic. You buy six beers, you 
drink six beers. 


STEP-IN SKI BINDINGS 

It's no coincidence that after the in- 
vention of step-in bindings, skiing be- 
came the dominant winter sport—and 
excuse for meeting cute girls. Fewer bro- 
ken bones, more mancuverability, case 
of engagement. 


SCUBA GEAR 

The Self-Contained Underwater Breath- 
ing Apparatus was invented in 1943 by 
Jacques Cousteau. Scuba tanks have en- 
abled millions of people to experience 
the undersea world. They also gave us 
Jacqueline Bisset swimming in The Deep, 
the ultimate wet T-shirt. 


PAPERBACK BOOK 

You don't read Kerouac in hardcover. 
Or Richard Farina. Or Brautigan. You 
can't shove a hardcover into the back 
pocket of your jeans or in the storage 
space under the seat of your motorcycle. 
Paperhacks made reading more egalitar- 
ian. In the Forties and Fifties lurid cov- 
ers adorned books by every writer, from 
Flaubert to Raymond Chandler. Like all 
those impenetrable Gallic intellectuals, 
paperbacks did not distinguish between 
high and low culture. Nabokov's Lolita 
first appeared in paperback. Need we 
say more? 


ELECTRIC GUITAR 

If one icon represents everything 
American in this century, it may well be 
the solid-body electric guitar. Les Paul 
invented it, and soon the guitar became 
the symbol of cool. Slung over the shoul- 
der, the pickups hanging somewhere 
around your crotch, the guitar was the 
great equalizer, transcending every eth- 
nic and social boundary. Before the elec- 
tric guitar, music was about talent. After, 
it was about attitude. All you needed was 
an amp, three chords and a dream. 


TELEVISION REMOTE CONTROL, 

Sociologists used to worry that the 
television would control us as we sat pas- 
sively in its mesmerizing grip. Now, we 
control TV. With the remote, we concoct 
our own programs—a collage assembled 
from what's being broadcast at that mo- 
ment. Television now is about juking 
and feinting around commercials and 
bad shows like a Walter Payton dodging 
linebackers. How can women call that 


passive? 


GLOBAL SHOCK 


(continued from page 223) 
unreliable buffers against surprises. 

This is contrary to the expectations we 
held when the biggest surprise of all 
kicked off the 20th century's last decade. 
Surcly we were entering a hopeful era 
if Soviet authoritarianism and commu- 
nism could expire and vassal states be 
released without a shot being fired. And 
surely, troublemakers would pay added 
attention to U.S. interests once America 
stood unrivaled in the accumulation of 
economic, political and military might. 

Saddam Hussein quickly turned that 
assumption on its head when, in 1990, 
he overran Kuwait and appeared poised 
to roll up Saudi Ara 
bia. The Iraqi dic- 
tator's chutzpah was 
breathtaking. No 
clearer U.S. interest 
could have been tar- 
geted than the fuel 
supplies of Ameri- 
са, Western Europe 
and Japan 

Surprise followed 
surprise. Hussein 
didn't lose his head, 
much less his job, 
after a crushing mil- 
itary defeat. Across 
the Mediterranean, 
Serbian strongman 
Slobodan Milosevic 
wasn't cowed by the 
display of American 
military prowess in 
the Gulf. For what 
remained of the de- 
cade, Milosevic em. 
ployed the barbar 
ic tools of ethnic 
cleansing in futile 
efforts to create a 
greater Serbia at the 
expense of other Bal 
kan ethnic groups 
His comeuppance 
in Kosovo at the 
hands of the U.S. 
and its NATO al- 
lies was also full of 
surprises: Air raids didn't immediately 
bring him to heel as the Clinton admin- 
tration expected. NATO didn't divide 
as Milosevic anticipated, And despite his 
atrocities and ultimate military defeat, 
Milosevic didn't immediately lose his 
head or his job cither. 

Halfway round the globe, India e 
ploded a nuclear device. Pakistan an- 
swered with similar weapons tests. The 
U.S. was not only surprised—it felt de- 
ceived by India's camouflaged expan- 
sion of the nuclear weapons club. In 
Central Africa, several outbreaks of 
genocidal conflict caught both the re 
gion and the international community 
off guard. E 


where, ethnic hostilities 


simmered with occasional outbursts of 
violence 

Russian kleptocrats subverted the 
transition to Western norms by stealing 
their country blind and siphoning for- 
eign aid into Swiss bank accounts. To the 
West's dismay, Russians then blamed it 
for denying their country a place in the 
sun. Throughout the decade, China fer- 
reted out L.S. nuclear weapons secrets 
and set about strengthening a missile 
threat against Taiwan. Iran continued 
nuclear and missile development despite 
American measures to constrain it 

In many quarters—not just among 
disillusioned Russians, Chinese nation- 
alists and Islamic fundamentalists—re- 
sistance grew to the American version 


of a stable world 

If postcolonial rage is an underappre- 
ciated generator of instability, it isn't the 
only one. Surprise is inherent in the an- 
archic nature of the sovercign state sys- 
tem. Competing interests and covetous 
leaders can never be fully aligned in mu- 
tual satisfaction. Power shifts. Rising na- 
tions revive ancient hurts to fuel new 
ambitions. Declining states are riven by 
disaffected groups. Competitors often 
hide their real intentions. To forearm 
themselves, incoming political leaders 
ask experienced advisors to identify hot 
spots. Usually, the experts round off 
their lists with a word of warning about 
the trickiness of unexpected crises. 


Human nature is also a factor. A citi- 
zenry's interest in far-off places and peo- 
ple is limited when its own security and 
well-being don't appear to be at stake. 

Too often, human beings filter what 
they see and hear to match their desires. 
Leaders do too. How else to explain the 
frequent gaps between the assessments of 
intelligence services and the actions of 
leaders? One of the starkest examples 
makes this point. Israeli political leaders, 
convinced that neighboring Arab states 
wouldn't resort to arms so soon after their 
1967 rout, discounted crucial intelligence 
reports of troop movements just prior to 
Egypt's surprise attack іп 1973. The cur- 
rent era's instability attests that as the 
number of trouble spots increases, so does 
the likelihood of 
such miscalculations. 

The chances for 
surprise are in- 
creased if political 
leadership is inat- 
tentive and disinter- 
ested. In 1992 Pres- 
ident Clinton came 
into office with too 
little appreciation 
for the pitfalls of in. 
ternational affairs 
Unlike his Cold War 
predecessors, Clin- 
ton downgraded for- 
eign policy among 
his concerns. He 
met infrequently 
with key foreign 
policy and security 
officials. He left to 
them the day-to-day 
management of in- 
ternational issues. 
Little in the way 
of guidance came 
down from the Oval 
Office. When un- 
avoidable, White 
House decisions 
were often delayed 
and heavily influ- 
enced by domestic 
politics. 

Congressional 
and public support 
were belatedly sought on important en- 
gagements such as the North American 
Free Trade Agreement and the NATO 
campaign in Kosovo. As late in his ten- 
ure as 1999, Clinton struck visiting aides 
of British prime minister Tony Blair as 
not fully engaged in Kosovo issues. Clin- 
ton governed as he campaigned, with 
constant attention to domestic affairs 
and little to foreign policy. 

Not surprisingly. an underinformed 
public was bewildered by the clashes and 
eruptions that took place on the inter- 
national scene. It felt the absence of a 
coherent strategy for assessing U.S. in- 
terests and guiding U.S. actions. Mcan- 
while, Congress took advantage of the 267 


PLAYBOY 


268 


leadership vacuum to score points on 
foreign policy issues with domestic con- 
stituencies and to launch micromanage- 
ment initiatives that added little to clarity. 
For the next century, one of the great 
challenges will be moderating postcolo- 
nial resentments made more dangerous 
by the rising capabilities of non-Western 
states. The global rebalancing of pow. 
er that is already causing disruptions i 
gradual. For some time, the U.S. will re- 
main a predominant (but not omnipo- 
tent) pover. Currently, we use too much 
of that power to politically and financial- 
ly undermine the United Nations and to 
attach unilateral conditions to interna- 


tional regulatory efforts. We ought to 
find a way (to date we have not) to coop- 
erate in the banning of land mines, the 
establishment of an international crimi- 
nal court and the containment of global 
warming. A wiser use of our "unipolar" 
moment would focus on creating stron- 
ger, more representative international 
institutions and multilateral processes. 
They, in turn would suit the multipolar 
world that is in the making and improve 
the chances that others will follow Amer- 
ica's search for a stable world. Along the 
way, there might be the dividend of few- 
er disturbing surprises. 


"The wine has an intriguing afteriaste that will linger long 
after it has got the lady into your bed, sir!” 


when nothing 4505 Ihe some 

(continued from page 184) 
graduation, did an apprenticeship and 
paid your dues before you were duly re- 
warded. The concept of being duly re- 
warded was much more modest. There 
was no such thing as a baby millionaire 
or billionairc. Millions of Americans 
were entering the middle class, but they 
were doing it tentatively, more than a lit- 
tle unsure of their way. 

1 was always convinced that no small 
part of PLAYBOY'S success in its early 
years, in addition to its being a precur- 
sor of the energies and curiosities which 
would be part of the sexual revolution, 
was that it served as a guide to middle- 
class life. To me The Playboy Advisor was 
one of the most important parts of the 
magazine, telling young men vho were 
the first members of their families to 
graduate from college how to enjoy the 
fruits of their new success, how to be- 
have in a restaurant and which wine to 
order with which courses. 

The sense of limited ceilings, partic- 
ularly financial ones, was very much a 
part of the assumptions of my genera- 
tion. I remember clearly the moment in 
1954, my junior year in college, when 
my classmates and 1 began to talk se- 
riously about career choices. We would 
sit around in the Harvard Crimson news- 
room discussing whether or not we 
should enter journalism. which was not 
yet a profession and which was still 
trying to escape the image, created by 
contemporary fiction and movies, of a 
bunch of canny but unscrupulous police 
reporters. 

Back and forth we would go—Jack 
Langguth, Tony Lukas, Dick Ullman, 
Dick Burgheim and myself. Could jour- 
nalism be a respectable enough career? 
Could we make a decent middle-class liv- 
ing? We decided that the target salary for 
a decent living would be about $5000 a 
year and the timetable called for making 
и some five years after graduation. | re- 
member that in my fifth year out of col- 
lege and my fourth on the Nashville Ten- 
nessean, publisher Silliman Evans raised 
me from $95 a week to $195, which put 
me over the magical $5000 mark right 
on deadline. 

Journalism turned out to be an as- 
cending profession. As America sought 
its role as a great international power, 
better-educated reporters were required 
to write for better-educated readers. 10- 
ny Lukas went on to a distinguished ca- 
reer and won two Pulitzer Prizes; Jack 
Langguth worked for The New York Times 
in Saigon, wrote books and later taught 
at USC; Dick Ullman became more of an 
academic than a journalist, though he 
did, for a while, write editorials for the 
Times; and Dick Burgheim became exec- 
utive editor of People. 

Gender lines were sharply drawn 50 
years ago. Bright young women went to 


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270 


college, more often than not got better 
grades than men and upon graduation 
married young men often less gifted 
than they. These women ended up with 
several children, driving station wagons 
in America's burgeoning new suburbs. 
They often wondered about the choices 
they had made. 

In 1950 Betty Friedan had not yet had 
her second child nor moved to the sub- 
urbs of New York, where she would find 
that her summa cum laude college de- 
gree was of little use and where her frus- 
trations over the intellectual emptiness 
of her life were soon to mount and help 
ignite a revolution. 

The culture was infinitely more pre- 
dictable, and more settled. Young peo- 
ple did not yet define themselves by 
their musical tastes, nor did they use 
their music to set themselves apart from 


their parents, Frank Sinatra was the most 
popular singer for the middle-aged and 
the young. 

Television sitcoms of that era were 
marvelously sanitized—in effect, virtual 
portraits of virtual families, despite the 
darkness and unresolved questions of 
love and sexuality that existed then as 
now. I graduated from high school in 
1951 and from college in 1955, and, 
amazing as it seems, 1 did not know a 
single person at either place who had 
used drugs. Contraception was more lim- 
ited and so too were the sexual mores 
of that time. Few of us knew men and 
women who lived together without be- 
ing married in the years immediately af- 
ter college. 

If there were anxicties in those days 
they tended to be political rather than 
economic. In late August of 1949 the So- 


“Wow, time really flies! It seems 
like only yesterday you were writing me letters asking 
me for Barbie dolls.” 


viet Union had exploded its first atomic 
bomb, nicknamed Joe One after Joseph 
Stalin. The U.S. and the Soviet Union, 
both essentially isolationist in the years 
before World War Il, had been catapult- 
ed to superpower status in the atom- 
ic age. Scientists in both countries were 
already scrambling to create the hydro- 
gen bomb. 

Inevitably, the debate about security 
and who was a risk intensified with the 
arms race. Robert Oppenheimer, the 
guiding genius of America's brilliant 
wartime atomic effort, was found in the 
early Fifties (in no small part because 
of his lack of enthusiasm for the hydro- 
gen bomb project) to be a security risk. 
Evidence of early left-wing tendencies, 
which had not been considered serious 
a prior incarnation, became important 
this new and meaner time. People de- 
bated whether or not to build bomb shel- 
ters on their property, some even debat- 
ed the morality of whether or not to let 
their shelterless neighbors use theirs in 
the event of a nuclear holocaust. 

From the perspective of today, mid- 
century America seems orderly. Vernon 
Presley had just moved his small family 
from Tupelo to Memphis, where he took 
a job at $38.50 a week in a paint factory 
and where his family lived in a federal 
housing project. Vernon's only son, El- 
vis, much maligned because of his weird 
name, his greasy duck's-ass haircut, 
geeky clothes and androgynous looks, 
was regarded as class sissy and was a tar- 
get for the tough guys at Humes High. 
He was three years away from walking 
into a local record-it-yourself studio and 
cutting his first record. 

The birth control pill was some 15 
years away in terms of popular use. The 
idea that men might go to the moon 
seemed so distant as to be laughable. 
John Kennedy’s election as the first 
Catholic president—and first television- 
age president—was a decade away. In 
1952 the fact that Adlai Stevenson had 
been divorced was held against him. 

Seen now, at the end of so jarring a 
century, when adjustment to new tech- 
nological forces is so critically important, 
midcentury seems not only innocent but 
seductively simple. Life was also signifi- 
canily less threatening, particularly for 
those in the ruling majority 2 
who actually exercised pow 
nerves were by and large less jangled. 
(Life for those who were outsiders in 
1950 was harder; their nerves were jan- 
gled, but they simply did not know it.) 
There is for a variety of reasons a great 
nostalgia for that time. As for me, I have 
little nostalgia. I think memory is often 
selective, especially among Americans 
who want their neighbors to live as they 
did in the Fifties while they themselves 
enjoy the far greater frecdoms of the 
Nineties. 


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PLAYBOY 


MIDNIGHT SPECIAL 


(continued from page 181) 
shake until cold and strain into a martini 
glass. Garnish with orange slice. 


APHRODISIAC SHOT 
(TANTRA, MIAMI BEACH) 


М ounce Absolut vodka 
М ounce Bacardi Silver rum 
% ounce DeKuyper peach schnapps 
% ounce DeKuyper стёше de banane 
liqueur 
K ounce cranberry juice 
% ounce pineapple juice 
Splash of grenadine 
1 teaspoon of a mixture of ground gin- 
ger, vanilla bean, cinnamon, anise 
Dried edible flower 
Combine all ingredients except flower 
in a blender with crushed ice, shake un- 
til smooth and pour into a large wine or 
cocktail glass. Garnish with flower. 


THE RUBICON 
(AL BIERNAT'S, DALLAS) 


1% ounces Fris vodka 
% ounce Hiram Walker black raspber- 
ту liqueur. 

Splash of cranberry juice 

Splash of water 

1 teaspoon sugar 

Juice of half a lime 

Lime wedge 

Combine all ingredients except lime 
juice and wedge in a blender with 
crushed ice. Blend until smooth and 
pour into a chilled martini glass 
Squeeze in the lime juice and garnish 
with lime wedge. 


MILLENNIUM COCKTAIL 
(BLACKBIRD, NEW YORK) 


1% ounces Courvoisier Millennium 
cognac 

1% ounces pineapple juice 

Y ounce Hiram Walker orange liqueur 

2 dashes Angostura bitters 

Orange twist 

Combine all ingredients except twist 
in a shaker with ice cubes and shake un- 
til cold. Swain into a martini glass and 
garnish with twist. 


THE COAST IS CLEAR 
ICONUNDRUM, ASPEN) 


3 ounces Stoli Orange vodka 

1 ounce cherry juice 

Juice of half a lime 

Juice of quarter of an orange 

Orange slice 

Pour vodka over ice cubes into a cock- 
tail or wineglass. Add juices, stir until 
cold and garnish with orange slice. 


FIZZBOMB, 
(OXO TOWER, LONDON) 


2 ounces passion fruit puree 

1 ounce Mandarine Napoleon liqueur 

K ounce peach liqueur 

4 ounces champagne 

Peach slice 

Combine puree and liqueurs in a 
shaker with ice cubes, shake until cold, 
strain into a flute, top with champagne 
and garnish with peach slice. 


POMEGRANATE MARTINI 
(THE BEACH HOUSE, SANTA MONICA) 


3 ounces Belvedere vodka 
1 ounce Chambord liqueur 
% ounce pineapple juice 
unce pomegranate juice 

Red apple slice 

Combine all ingredients except apple 
slice in a shaker with ісе cubes, shake un- 
til cold and strain into a martini glass. 
Gamish with apple slice. 


GRAND FASHION 
(STARLIGHT ROOM, SAN FRANCISCO) 


Dash of bitters 

Maraschino cherry 

2 blood orange slices 

Sugar cube 

1% ounces Bacardi Anejo rum 

1% ounces St. Raphael Rouge aperitif 

In a shaker, muddle sugar cube, bit- 
ters, cherry and one blood orange slice 
Add ice, rum and aperitif. Shake and 
serve straight up їп а martini glass. 
nish with remaining orange slice 


‘THE MORNING AFTER 


Of course, no worthy bartender would 
let a reveler head into the new year with- 
ош а hangover remedy. 


At Louie's Backyard in Key West, re- 
covery is hastened by pouring—in exact 
order—one ounce of Evan Williams Sin- 
gle Barrel bourbon, one egg and a driz- 
zle of hot sauce over ice cubes in a tall 
glass. Chug it fast and repeat the dosage 
if your symptoms persist. 

At the Red Square in Las Vegas’ Man- 
dalay Hotel, dawn in the desert on the 
first day of the new millennium will be 
toasted with crushed ice blended with 
eight ounces of water, three ounces of 
cachaca liquor, one egg white, the juice 
of one lemon and two tablespoons of 
honey. Strain into a highball glass and 
garnish with a lime wedge 

Atlanta's Fusebox takes the heebie-jee- 
bies seriously. Its millennium cure-all 
should be prepared two weeks in ad- 
vance. Bring 12 cups of bowled spring 
water to a boil and add one pound of 
Asian shiso Jeaves or opal basil. Simmer 
for 20 minutes, then strain, discarding 
the leaves. Add ounds of sugar and 
two teaspoons of citric acid (available at a 
pharmacy) then let cool and pour 
into bottles and refrigerate for two 
weeks. On the morning of January 1, fill 
a tall glass halfway with the cure-all, stir 
in a teaspoon of fresh ginger juice and 
top off with sparkling mineral water. 
Serves 12. 

Al Biernat, at his namesake restaurant 
in Dallas. says he has three levels of re- 
covery. Level one is “Al's famous ramos" 
one and a half ounces of Absolut Citron 
vodka combined with halfa cup of fresh 
raspberries and blueberries in a blender 
with ice. Mix until smooth and serve in а 
collins glass. Level two is the “amaretta, 
you get betta,” made with one ounce 
Sweet and sour mix and one ounce Ab- 
solut Citron vodka, И ounce Southern 
Comfort, 4 ounce amaretto, И ounce Sa- 
lignac brandy and one ounce of fresh or- 
ange juice. Shake with crushed ice and 
strain into a martini glass. Level three is 
Biernat's “y-bother.” The victim is in- 
structed to "just roll over in bed, take 
three aspirins and hope for better days 
ahead." 


Watching your favorite Play- 
mate in action is now as easy 
as flipping on the tube. ҮНІ 
recently recruited Heather | 
Kozar to host a video count- 
down at the Playboy Man- 
sion. In November, Janet 4 


Top right: Rock of Ages hosts Jonet Lupo, 
Bebe Buell, Cindy Fuller ond Heleno An- 
tonaccio. Top: Heather Kozor 
films o spot ot the Monsion for 
УНТ. Above: For one doy, ot 
least, Maury Povich wos the 
Dahm triplets’ moin squeeze 
Left: Bob Borker is no dum- 
my—he chose Nikki Schieler 
to be the newest recruit for The 


оп Maury, the nationally syndicated 
talk show hosted by Maury Povich. 
“The triplets talked about how mod- 
est they were growing up and what 
a wonderful experience they 
have had with PLAYBOY 
They were a hi 
says Maury publicist 
Stephanie Green- 
hut. And if it's a daily 
dose of a Centerfold 
you're looking for, 
don't miss Nikki Schie- 
ler on The Price Is Right. 
Although she claims to be 
"the biggest klutz in the world," Miss 
М September 1997 was a shoo-in as one 
of Barker's Beauties. 


Steve Sullivan, the author of Va Va 
Voom: Bombshells, Pin-Ups, Sexpots and 
Glamour Girls and Bombshells: Glamour 
Girls of a Life- 
time, has beau- 
tiful women 
down pat. His 
latest tome, 
Glamour Girls: 
The Illustrated 
Encyclopedia, 
features more 
than 1750 
beauties from 
the 1890s to 
the present, including actresses, strip- 
pers, athletes, princesses, politicians 
and, of course, Playmates. (Sullivan's 


20 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


Dressed in a net bodysuit that 
was made for her by photogra- 
pher Ken Marcus, Gig Gangel 
was quite a catch. 
"Gig is my full first 
name," Miss Jan- 
uary 1980 ex- 
plained in her 
Playmate profile. 
“It derives from 
the word giggles, 
because as a baby 
I laughed a lor.” 
In addition to her 
contagious sense 
of humor, the resi- 
dent of South Pa- 
dre Island, Texas 
(dubbed Island 
Lady by us) had a 
soft spot for beach 
activities -surfing, waterskiing 
and running on the sand. She 
was also interested in studying 
marine biology —especially sharks, 
which "fascinate" her. In other 
words, she was wet and wild. 


Gig Gorgel. 


number one glamour girl? Marilyn 
Monroe.) "It's the first comprehen- 
sive listing of the elemental entertain- 
ers,” Sullivan says. “Each woman's 
photo is accompanied by a bio that 
lists her birth date, television appear- 
ances and more. Collectors will find 
this book to be a gold mine." 


"We took the status que motorcycle colendor ond mode it really pop out," exploins PLAYBOY 
Associote Art Director Scott Anderson, who designed Ployboy's Biker Bobes 2000 Colendor, 
featuring Louro Cover, Vonesso Gleoson ond Titon’s newest bikes. "Do you think we mode the 
bikes look os sexy as the women?” Anderson osked. Not o chonce. 


Price Is Fight. 


Lupo, Bebe Buell, Cindy 
Fuller and Helena Antonaccio were 
tapped to host the network's video 
review show, Rock of Ages. Down the 

the Dahm triplets were part of 
“world Famous Twins and Triplets” 


January 5: Miss October 1964 
Rosemarie Hillcrest 

January 12: Miss May 1974 
Marilyn Lange 

January 21: Miss May 1997 


Lynn Thomas 

January 27: Miss December 1982 
Charlotte Kemp 

January 31: Miss August 1995 
Rachel Jean Marteen 


273 


y 
Favorite Playmate 


By Ryan 
Stiles 


I like Pamela Anderson be- 
cause she comes from my home- 
town, Vancouver, British Co- 
lumbia. There are a 
lot of Play- 
mates from 
Vancouver. 

That's because 
it's always rain- | 
ing there—the 
air is moist, Ё 
and a woman's 
skin doesn't 
dry out like it 
does in Cali- 
fornia. Take my 
mom, for ex- 
ample. She's 
75 years old 
but doesn't look. 
a day over 70. 


— Joni Mattis 1938-1999 — 


Miss November 1960 Joni 
Mattis, 60, died September +, 
1999 of complications from 
cancer. Joni met 
Hef while she was 
appearing on the 
syndicated televi- 
sion show Playboy's 
Penthouse, in 1959. 
She was a Bunny in 
Chicago at the first 
Playboy Club, a tal- 
ent coordinator for 
the TV show Playboy After Dark 
and, finally, Hef's social secre- 
tary. “Losing Joni after a per- 
sonal and professional relation- 
ship that spanned four decades 
is a blow to all of us who knew 
and loved her,” Hef says. 


Patti McGuire Con- 
| погв is married to ten- 
- nis legend Jimmy 
А Connors, but Miss 
November 1976 has 
made a name for 
herself by start- 
ing Patti's Pickle- 
dilly Pickles, a 
California-based 
business. It 


all began 

Pew» when Patti 
7 discovered 
42 a leuer from 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


her grandmother, dated October 20, 
1950, that included a recipe for spicy 
dill pickles. Patti tried the recipe and 
used her family and friends as taste 
testers, and the business was born. 
"Now I find myself traveling around 
the country doing pickle samplings," 
Patti says. Are you getting hungry 
yet? Patti’s Pickledilly Pickles can be 
purchased by the jar through tavo 
lo.com or at Neiman Marcus, Bal- 
ducci's and other select gourmet food 
retailers. 


PLAYMATE TRIVIA 

©: Which Centerfold writes an 
odvice column in the Japanese 
pop culture magazine Cuf? 

A: Miss November 1974 Bebe 


Buell 


“Call her picky, but the beautiful 
woman has certain requirements that 
are mandatory,” writes Miss July 1981 
Heidi Sorenson in her new electronic 
book, You Can Date Me: The 25 Com- 
mandments to Dating the Woman of Your 
Dreams. We checked in with the Play- 
mate turned author: 

Q: Your e-book sounds 
cool, but what 
exactly is it? 
A: You Can 

Date Me is an 
online book on 

T how to date the 

| woman of your 

{ dreams. If some- 

Sy one sends me his 

e-mail address 
and payment, 1 
will send him the 
e-book and pho- 
tographs. He'll al- 
| so receive an e-mail 
address where hc 
can ask me questions 


Heidi Sorenson. 


about the book. 

Q: Where can people order the book? 
A: They can get it on my personal 
page at playboy.com or by sending 
$14.95 and their e-mail address to 
Heidi Sorenson, Box 984, Malibu, 
California 90265. 

Q: What do women want? 

A: We want a man who opens the car 
door, makes us laugh, makes us feel, 
makes us crazy with desire and, be- 
fore he goes, leaves a hint of pine- 
and-citrus cologne on our cheeks. 

Q: What else have you written? 

A: I'm signed with a well-known liter- 
ary agent in New York. I also write for 
television and movies. I am currently 
writing two feature films. 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Bebe Buell just recorded a 
four-song demo with producer 
Don Fleming. It's called Free to 
Rock. Her autobiography 
(which has the working ti- А 
tle Rebel Heart) will be (2 | 
published by St. Martin's 
Press in 2001... f 
bet you didn't know НЕ > 
Heather Kozar їз a stellar 
volleyball player. She ОЕП; © 
be worth her weight їп bumps, 
sets and spikes at Playboy's An- 
nual Sand and Suds Volleyball 
Tournament. . . . Carrie Stevens 
(carriestevens.net) appears in 
two new movies: Jack of All Trades 
with Antonio Sabáto Jr. and Head 
Games with Mekhi Phifer. She 
has also been 
signed as the 
George Killian's 
Irish Red spokes- 
model for the 
year 2000... . 
Sorry, guys, but 
Jenny McCarthy 
is off the mar- 
ket. She recent- 
ly married John 
Asher, director 
of her forthcom- 
ing movie Dia- 
monds. “When 1 
introduced him 
to my friends 
and family, they 
all said, ‘Oh my 
God, it's Jenny 
McCarthy as a 
тап,” Jenny 
told People. The 
wedding took place at the Bever- 
ly Hills Hotel. . .. Marlene Calla- 
han Wallace, who appeared in 
front of the camera as Miss No- 
vember 1957, isan accomplished 
photographer. Twenty-cight of 
Marlene's photos (including the 
self-portrait shown below) were 


Heather Kozar is 
оп the boll. 


Morlene's self-portrait. 


featured in a show at the Local 
Heroes Gallery in Kiuredge, 
Colorado. “1 even had a small 
image of Hef in the show," Mar- 
lene says. 


Women 


(continued from page 166) 
increasing significance to men's ability 
to provide for them emotionally rather 
than financially. Men will then have to 
cope with how to satisfy the emotional 
needs and expectations of the women 


The cliché in which one woman turns 
to another and says, "He's not romantic, 
he's not a good lover, but he's a good 
provider,” may well change. In the fu- 
ture, she's more likely to say, "I've got a 
great job. I don't need a provider. But 
he's romantic and a great lover." 

As women are better able to provide 
for themselves, men's carning power will 
be less of a lure than their worth as 
mantic companions. Consequently, a 
woman's need for romance as a condi: 
Чоп for a committed relationship will be- 
come an extremely popular topic. 

Your grandmother did not expect 
your grandfather to surprise her with 
flowers. Your mother was pleased if your 
father remembered their anniversary 
and sent her flowers on Valentine's Рау. 
What was OK back then won't cut it with 
the working woman who sees romance 
all around her. 

Film and television are filled with hap- 
py romantic couples. Magazines and 
print ads show people smiling and hold- 
ing hands From Cluh Med to Centrum 


Silver, everyone is looking lovingly into 
each others’ eyes and saying, “I love 
you.” It looks good, it feels good and we 
want it in our own lives as well. 

We as a society are becoming increas- 
ingly comfortable and open in our com- 
munication about love and sexuality. We 
vill continue to set new and higher stan- 
dards of what defines a fully romantic 
and sexually rewarding relation 

Can modern man adapt? A change 
from provider to romancer is by no 
means an impossible standard for men 
to fulfill, even though most men have 
been conditioned to believe that ro- 
mance begins with courting and ends 
with marriage. The truth is this: The 
ability that men have to be wonderful 
lovers while courting can be sustained 
ten, 20, 40 years into marriage. 

Men know how to be romantic. They 
simply let most of those abilities slip 
away. А common reason for this is that 
most men have had only their fathers 
as role models. We may say that we want 
to be different ап in many ways we 
are—but we unknowingly repeat pat- 
terns of behavior that we saw as chil- 
dren, If we rarely saw our fathers being 
romantic with our mothers, we received 
the subliminal message that this was not 
expected in marriage. In the 20th centu- 
ry model, courtship and marriage are 
two distinctly different stages of life. 

Most women do not share that view. 


They are growing increasingly indepen- 
dent as providers and protectors for 
themselves, and they will become in- 
creasingly insistent that the men in thei 
lives fulfill expectations as good lovers 
and caring companions. 

A degree of friction between men and 
women will continue to be part of the 
process of change. Our roles are evolv- 
ing. Some will adjust to those changes 
with greater ease than others. Change 
brings uncertainty, but over the early de- 
cades of the new millennium that uncer- 
tainty will begin to fade 

1 believe that by the midpoint of the 
new century, when the grandchildren 
and the great-grandchildren of the baby 
boomers are settling into committed, 
long-term relationships, much of that so- 
cial upheaval will have dissolved. From 
it, anew understanding of roles and role 
models will emerge. 

“The men of 2050 will be better listen- 
ers and better lovers than their grandfa- 
thers were. The women of 2050 will have 
a better understanding than their grand- 
mothers ever had of how to communi 
cate their needs to men. Last 
an ideal. As we grow and learn in this 
new millennium, we will move closer to 
that ideal. And in doing so, we will make 
the world a happier place than the world 
we found. 


“For heaven’s sake, Philip, why must you insist on being gay?” 


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the 


scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


ew Year's Eve 1999. The last time the world partied this 
hard, Leif Eriksson had just discovered North America. 
Sure, your bar is stocked, but this is a night to embellish it 
with a few special bottlings pictured here. Consider Dis- 
tillers’ Masterpiece, a superb 18-year-old bourbon finished in co- 
gnac casks, saffron-flavored 110-proof Old Raj gin or an apple 


POP THE WORKS 


Below: Winston Churchill was a notorious fan of the bubbly. No won- 
der Pol Roger named its 1988 cuvée after him (about $140). It's cool- 
ing in a Vin Chilla electric ice bucket with a timer that can be set for 
five to 20 minutes ($130). Krups’ battery-powered Midnight Cocktail 
mixer takes the work out of mixing drinks for two. A tiny twirling bar- 
man inside the shaker does the job for you (about $15). 


Above, left to right: Distillers’ Masterpiece bourbon comes in a hand- 
some etched bottle (5250). Jameson Gold Irish whiskey was formerly 
available only in duty-free shops (60). Bowmore Mariner, a 15-year- 
old Islay single malt, is aged in sherry and bourbun casks ($45). Laird 
offers a limited-edition 12-year-old Rare Apple Brandy ($50). Old Raj 
gin from Scotland is expensive but worth it (about $50). Right: Each 
numbered Padrón Millennium cedar humidor holds 100 Nicaraguan 
cigars that have been aged about five years (53000). 


brandy that's smoother than silk. A lot of the noise you'll hear that 
night will be champagne corks popping from Anchorage to Zam- 
boanga. For the occasion, we suggest Pol Roger Cuvée Sir Winston 
Churchill 1988 (a robust bubbly inspired by its namesake), iced in 
an electric Vin Chilla bucket that does the job in minutes once 
you've filled it with ice and water. A battery-powered Midnight 
Cocktail maker helps take the work out of mixing drinks, and 
Padrón's Millennium humidor filled with 100 individually num- 
bered cigars will keep your stogie-loving friends puffing happily 
long past midnight RICHARD CARLETON HACKER 


JAMES IMBROGNO Ween нон абан нак ік 


Sillornium 
7654 CER 
== کی‎ 


Kristina 
Carries 
No Extra 
Freight 
KRISTINA HAMP- 
TON is on the 
fast track— 
strolling the 
runway for Fila 
and the Lii 
ed and prowl- 
ing the gym 
as a personal 
trainer. It's 
no sweat ei- 
ther way. 


Reach for the Top 
KIMBERLY PESCAIA has appeared in Reef ad- 
vertisements, on Hawaiian calendars and 
postcards and as eye candy on Pacific Blue 
and Baywatch. Pretty tasty. 


Sermon From 
the Monty 
Actor, director, writer and 
Monty Python alum TERRY 
GILLIAM poked around and 
came up with a new movie proj- 
ect, currently called The Man 
Who Killed Don Quixote. 


Moore 

Is Enough 
You've seen JULIANNE 
MOORE in An Ideal 
Husband. Now look for 
her in The End of the 
Affair, Magnolia and this 
great-looking sweater. 


She's a Little Country and 
a Little Rock and Roll 


KELLY WILLIS’ CD What J Deserve caught the ears of both country and 
rock critics and she wowed the fans at Lilith Fair this past 

summer. Listen up and you'll 
get what you deserve. 


Michelle 
Sparkles 
Her beauty definite- 
ly knows no tan lines. 27 
MICHELLE VADEN was 
saluted in Miss Hawai- 
ian Tropic competi- 
lions in Las Vegas and 
Scotland, and in our 
Girls of Hawaiian 
Tropic pictorial this 
past July. She sizzles. 


Dedicated to the 

One I Love 

MICHELLE PHILLIPS still has what it 
takes, in this outfit and on-screen— 
most recently in Sweetwater on VHI 


and on NBC's Providence. 279 


NO NEED TO DIET 


“If the world were ending tomorrow, what 
would be your last meal?” That's the question 
posed by Last Suppers, а $24.95 hardcover con 
taining menus and recipes from 70 notables, in- 
cluding 1998 Playmate of the Year Karen Mc- 
Dougal and President Clinton. Some of those 


interviewed by author James Dickerson even 
chose a guest list. Our favorite response comes 
from political commentator and author Ann 
Coulter. Her last supper would be margaritas. 
Her explanation? “I eat out a lot.” 


if 
ARAS ate UN 
р ПАК МА 
3 
ЖАМ C US 


WILD ABOUT HARRY 


In Trumpet Blues: The Life of Harry James Hef 
confides that “Harry was my all-time favorite 
big band musician. His horn was almost like a 
vocalist." Now, with swing's popularity soaring 
like a Harry James trumpet solo, Peter Levin- 
son has written the definitive biography of this 
high-living and high-loving musician whose 
marriage to Betty Grable inspired Bob Hope to 
dub them "the Legs and the Lip." Look for 
‘Trumpet Blues in bookstores, priced at $30. Ox- 
ford University Press is the publisher. 


POTPOURRI 


BLOOMING LUCK 


Before she can say Lin- 
gerie Bouquets Night 
blooms Leather Bou- 
quet, you've probably 
coaxed her through the 
door. Inside the glossy 
black box is a leather 
bikini bra and thong 
panty, plus a pair of 
stay-up thigh-high fish- 
net stockings, all rolled 
into the shape of four 
long-stemmed roses 
and nestled in a bed of 
gold foil. (Our model 
happens to be wearing 
the outfit, in case you 


838-0872. A red leather 
Bouquet is also avail- 
able, and both are one- 
size-fits-all. Also check 
out the men's bouquet 
that includes pepper- 
patterned silk boxer 
shorts and a matching 
tie and pocket square. 


THE MILLENNIUM AND MR. SMITH 


Readers of PLAYBOY are familiar with the surrealistic work of Win- 
ston Smith, an artist whose illustrations have appeared numerous 
times in the magazine. (See James Hoge's Global Shock on page 
222.) Smith has now set his sights on the year 2000 with an / Sur- 
vived the 20th Century calendar that’s Шей мий wacky collages 
that have to be seen to be appreciated. Price: $15.95, from 800- 
848-4277. Or check out Smith's website at winstonsmith.com. 
Several Winston Smith books are also available. 


CAMEL CARAVAN 


Enlisting in the French Foreign Legi 
one hard adventure. Joining Travel 
Style's Saharan Caravan makes you a 
soltie in comparison. But you'll still be 
camping in the desert en route to С; 
blanca and other Moroccan locales. The 
ten-day trip, which departs from New 
York on the first Tuesday of every month 
through May, costs $2485 including air- 
fare. Call 415-440-1124. 


GOOD EVENING 


To celebrate Alfred Hitchcock's 100th 
birthday, Hasbro has introduced an Al- 
fred Hitchcock Edition of Clue with Pro- 
fessor Plum and the other suspects play- 
ing the role of characters in Hitchcock 
movies. There are also new weapons de- 
rived from his films and a game board 
that's been altered to reflect familiar cine- 
ma locales (such as room one in the Bates 
Motel). It's about $35 in stores. 


BORN TO LUGE 


Bell Atlantic has brought back 
the Luge Challenge, a super- 
vised weekend with instructors 
who teach novices how to go 
downhill safely but quickly on 
luge sleds. Five ski resorts in five 
states (Pennsylvania, West 
ginia, New Hampshire, New 
Jersey and Vermont) will host 
the weekends, which run from 
mid-January to mid-March 
(Call 518-523-2071 for specific 
dates and locations.) Best of all, 
the Ghallenge is free. If you'd 
like to own a sled and take a 
shot at luging on local slopes, 
the Laserluge model pictured 
here is available in sporting 
goods stores for $49.95. 


AS TIME GOES BY 


Buddha Records describes its 20th Century Time Capsule CD as 
"history for those with short attention spans.” If you're hankering 
to hear sound bites from Teddy Roosevelt's 1912 address to the 
Boy's Progressive League, Lou Gehrig's 1939 farewell speech, 
Neil Armstrong's moonwalk in 1969, Mark McGwire breaking 
the home run record in 1998 or dozens of other stirring mo- 
ments, this is the disc to buy. Price: about $10 in record stores. 


LOST IN THE STARS 


Collector's Press has published 
Science Fiction of the 20th Century, 
a $59.95 hardcover "illustrated 
history" containing hundreds of 
images of film posters, articles, 
covers and other ephemera re- 
lating to the world of science fic- 
tion. The Frank Rende Weekly 
Magazine from 1903 (lead story: 
"Six Weeks in the Clouds") is 
one of the earliest magazines de- 
picted. A poster from Star Wars: 
Episode 1—The Phantom Menace is 
the most recent film. What au- 
thor Frank M. Robinson (a for- 
mer PLAYBOY cı 

know about science fiction isn't 
worth a speck of foam on those 
“windswept seas of Venus.” Call 
800-423-1848 to order. 


EVERMART ATTACK 


MONKEYING AROUND 


ALL THE RAGE 


ANGIE EVERHART IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY AND WE'RE IN 
LOVE. CHECK OUT THE FIRE-MANED FASHION MODEL TURNED 
ACTRESS IN AN EXCITING NEW ROLE: PLAYBOY PICTORIAL 
STAR. TEN HEARTTHUMPING PAGES 


JEFF BEZOS—THE 35-YEAR-OLD MASTERMIND OF AMAZON. 
COM WROTE THE BOOK ON E-COMMERCE. WILL HIS GALL 
ERADICATE THE MALL? INTERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF 


SEX MORSELS—A LIFETIME OF MUSINGS ABOUT ALL THINGS 
EROTIC, INCLUDING TOPLESS BARS, BLOW JOBS, KINKY AF- 
FAIRS AND SEX WITH STARLETS. OUR REPORTER: NONE OTH- 
ER THAN THE RASCALLY BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN 


PLAYBOY'S TEN BEST-DRESSED MEN —WHAT DO A HIP-HOP 
STAR, A CNBC REPORTER, CINDY CRAWFORD'S HUSBAND, 
THE PRODUCER OF SEX AND THE CITY AND A TRIUMPHANT RY- 
DER CUP TEAM MEMBER HAVE IN COMMON? ALL HAVE BEEN 
CROWNED 1999'S MOST DAPPER DUDES. NOW NAME THE 
OTHER FIVE. FASHION BY HOLLIS WAYNE 


BARRY WHITE THANKS TO A RECURRING ROLE ON ALLY 
MCBEAL AND A CANNILY TITLED CD (STAYING POWER), THE RO- 
MANCE CROONER IS TOPS AGAIN. JULIE BAIN SLIDES HIM A 
SMOOTH 20 QUESTIONS 


CHECKING IN WITH ROBERT SCHIMMEL 
KNOW HIS NAME, YOU WILL, MEET STAND-UP COMEDY'S NEXT 
BIG THING—A CHARMING PERVERT WITH A WIFE AND KIDS 
AND A BARRAGE OF FILTHY WISECRACKS. BY CHRISTOPHER 
NAPOLITANO 


IF YOU DON'T 


DON'T CROSS JOHN MCCAIN- THE MAVERICK PRESIDEN: 
TIAL CANDIDATE IS REVERED FOR HIS WAR RECORD AND 
CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM. IN ARIZONA THEY HAVE OTHER 
STORIES TO TELL. BY AMY SILVERMAN 


CRIME FIGHTER—DURING HIS RISE FROM SUBWAY PATROL- 
MAN ТО DEPUTY COMMISSIONER OF THE NYPD, THIS UN. 
ORTHODOX COP LEARNED THAT IT TAKES A PREDATOR TO 
CATCH A PREDATOR. ARTICLE BY JACK MAPLE WITH CHRIS 
MITCHELL 


MONKEY FOREST ROAD-—IT'S ONE CALAMITY AFTER ANOTH. 
ER WHEN A LOCAL WITCH DOCTOR GETS WIND OF A HOTEL 
PROJECT IN BALI. FICHON BY TOM PAINE 


PLUS: THE QUAKE COMPUTER GAME CHAMP UNDRESSES, 
RAGE GETS OUT OF HAND, PLAYBOY GOES BACKCOUNTRY 
SKIING, SHELBY'S FIERCE NEW COBRA, ROMANTIC BATH 
PRODUCTS AND PLAYMATE SUZANNE STOKES 


North Lake Shore Dri 
dian Publications Mail 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), January 2000, volume 47, number 1. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional edi 
id at Chicago. Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Сап 
29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 


. Chicago, Ilinois 60611. Periodicals postage р 


ales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U 
282 Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 


layboy, 680 
da Post Cana- 


(©1989 BEWT Co. 


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Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. www.bwtarnic.com 


www.brownandwilliamson.com 1 


Grand Marnier 


2 oz. Grand Marnier, straight up in a snifter or with ice to give it a crisp, refreshing chill. 


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