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BOY 


" FEBRUARY 2001 ® www.playboy.com 


5 7 „ 


‚ VINCE 
MCMAHON 


© Philip Moris Inc, 2000 


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11 mg “tar; 0.8 mg nicotina av. per cigarette by FTC method. 


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Miaybil! 


THANKFULLY, the post office isn't charging us extra. This 
month we're delivering a magazine that packs two PLAYBOY 
cights, Anna Nicole Smith and Vince McMahon. Our lucky 
е and cover girl, Anna Nicole, has always been a larg- 
er-than-life Playmate. And now she's richer than Mrs. Croe- 
sus. In addition to beguiling millions of readers, Smith en- 

ied him. 


you want more on the battle over Marshall's estate, read the 
papers. If you want to admire the charms of our million-dol- 
lar baby, turn to the pictorial by Stephen Wayda. Vince McMa- 
hon knows a thing or two about diamond rings—except he 
calls them wrestling mats. Driven and fierce, McMahon con- 
solidated regional wrestling districts into the powerhouse now 
known as the World Wrestling Federation. His shows, Raw /5 
War and WWF Smack Down, reign supreme on TV. His XFL— 
set to debut this month—promises to bring that raw circus to 
pro football. This month McMahon throws down a remark- 
able Playboy Interview with eYada.com talk-show cat Kevin Cook. 
In it McMahon describes his life as a series of bouts. He has 
faced down a stepfather, a raging libido and Ted Turner. 
Speaking of faked entertainment, did you know that during 
torrential rains the contestants of Survivor were magically out- 
fitted in rain slickers? Or that a tribal vote was reportedly 
overruled by the producer? For more behind-the-scenes mis- 
chiel, read our sly article The Survivor Scam by Steve Pond (il- 
lustrated by Brion Rea). It will make your journey to the out- 
back on Survivor II that much better. 

You're good with a wrench. You've always wanted to be an 
astronaut. We have news: Astronauts want to be like you. 
There's a crew of celestial hard hats who are assembling the 
new Space Station. In Really High Steel, best-selling author 
Mark Bowden (Black Hawk Down) takes you eight miles high to 
relive the exploits of key NASA grip Tom Akers. The artwork 
is by John Zeleznik. Did someone say space is a vacuum pump? 
Earthbound nauts preoccupied with handheld Titans—that 
would be all of us—will enjoy The Moron’s Guide to a Larger Pe- BOWDEN 
nis by Chip Rowe. He gives you the fat and skinny on grisly ways 
to enhance your erector set. Seems they can рш а man on the 
moon but can't puta rocket in your pocket. As for putting it in 
hers, we've got news. We sent Will Lee into Biosphere 1 to test 
lab techniques for navigating the Scylla and Charybdis of a 
woman's thighs. Turns out there are 19 Ways lo Take Off Her 
Panties. Not 20, not 18. Take notes. 

We caught glimpses of Sela Ward on Sisters, in The Fugitive 
and on Sprint commercials. But it's her love scenes on the hit 
show Once and Again that make her the ultimate Lorelei. In a 
20 Questions by Robert Crane, Ward takes us South, where she 
can “smell sex everywhere.” Then she confirms every fantasy 
you had about cheerleaders—the original pom pilots. Our 
short story, 1-900, by Richard Bausch, is another tease. Engag- 
ing a phone-sex girl in small talk creates intimacy, which is 
hell on the goal at hand. The art is by Malcolm Tarlofsky. 

Winter means serious dressing. Read 70р of the Lot, a review 
of topcoats, produced by Joe Dolce. Check out other options in 
Tips and Microchips by Joel Enos. Once you figure out how you 
want to track your portfolio, you'll be ready to acquire the 
hardware and hit the Street running. For a bigger rush, we 
asked Playmates to pick their favorite cars. Hot Women, Hot 
Wheels! will rock your chassis. Then wave hello to Amy Cobb, 
a surfer girl built for long boards. Her pictorial was shot by 
Arny Freytag. And that’s it from us. Latronic, dude. 


WAYDA 


oN 
POND 


BAUSCH 


ENOS DOLCE FREYTAG 
Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), February 2001, volume 48, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Ilinois and at additional mailing offices. Can 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Si ibscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, РО. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subseription-related questions, e-mail circny playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 3 


Three-dise changer. Double-speed recording, 


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CD playback performance. Even my vinyl and mic recordings sound great. 


Гуе got to admit it's getting better. www.philipsusa.com/play 


© 2000 Philips Electronics North America Corporation 


vol. 48, no. 2—february 2001 


features 


70 REALLY HIGH STEEL 
Remember the jet-jochey astronauts who first conquered space? The new guys with 
the right stuff are hanging out in the void with tool belts. BY MARK BOWDEN 


80 THE SURVIVOR SCAM 
So what if the castaways had help? So what if it wasn't survival at all? Experts dis- 
sect the real drama—and comedy—behind the scenes. BY STEVE POND 


92 LIL KIM’S BREASTS 
The Notorious B.1.G.'s former squeeze is a platinum-selling rapper whose ex- 
posed breast got a notorious pat from Diana Ross at the MTV Video Music Awards. 
We pay homage where homage is due. 


108 THE MORON'S GUIDE TO A LARGER PENIS 
Amazing what some men will do for an inch or two. You'll laugh, you'll cry— 
just don't try it at home. BY CHIP ROWE 


110 HOT WOMEN, HOT WHEELS! 
We asked six Playmates which cars make their hearts go pitter patter. Start reaching 
for your wallets, fellas. BY KEN GROSS 


114 20Q SELA WARD 
Whether you recognize her from Sprint commercials or Once and Again—the TV 
show that won her an Emmy—you know she's the epitome of a dark erotic South. 
We got her thoughts on sex as a sport, her cheerleading stunts and the etiquette of 
shooting nude scenes. BY ROBERT CRANE 


116 PIPPA 
The daring designer in trendy London sings in a bund—and is enthralled with 
PLAYBOY, She even has a pin-up laltoo. So we hired her. Then she did her Bettie 
Page imitation. 


121 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX 
Deanna Brooks loves to do it in public. She picks up pointers for home performances 
at strip clubs. She likes to sneak a peek at others. “1 love the realness of live sex." 


We love you, Deanna. эуег story 
, VE ol | 
142 WHAT DO YOU DO WITH $450 MILLION? Ka-ching! Anna Nicole Smith hoils from the 
Receiving a fortune requires some canny moves. A top financial advisor tells Anna Lone Star State, where bigger is always better. 
Nicole Smith how to handle her assets. BY JOHN D. SPOONER If the bounteous beauty's goad fortune halds 


up in court, Madonna con step oside. Anno will 

be the material girl of this millennium. Con- 
fiction tributing Photographer Stephen Wayda shat 
our cover. Our Rabbit has always suspected 
that diamonds ore а girl's best friend. 


90 1-900 
The woman on the phone sex line is a hot number with a dirty mouth. Our talkative 
hero wants to gel to know her first. I's a titillating problem—so what else could we 
do but listen in? BY RICHARD BAUSCH 


interview 


55 VINCE MCMAHON 
He calls himself the boss hoss of wrestling. We call him one of the canniest guys on 
the entertainment сітсий. It’s an inside peek at the WWF—and a preview of the 
vaunted XFL. BY KEVIN COOK 


PLAYBOY. 


с 


vol. 48, no. 2—february 2001 


| contents continued | inued 


pictorials 


74 


SURFER GIRL 

Amy Cobb eats heartily and does 
crazy things on the waves. Her 
pictures will inspire you, too. 


COVER GIRL 
Lauren Michelle Hill was a big hit 
оп October's college issue. She 
came back for graduate work. 


SHE'S IN THE MONEY 
Anna Nicole Smith hails from 
Texas, where bigger is better: 
It doesn't get much bigger 
than $450 million. 


notes and news 


163 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
Charlie's Angels premiere, Chyna 
at the Mansion, Brande's birthday. 


ON THE TOWN 

Hef and his blonde party posse, 
Cuba Gooding Jr, Justin from 
“М Syne, David Spade. 

THE PLAYBOY FORUM 

The jobless (blame after-hours 
porn), the persecuted (blame J. 
Edgar Hoover) and the blameless 
(blame anyone else). 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
New York book party, lettuce lin- 
gerie, Jaime Bergman Schwings. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
WIRED 


32 LIVING ONLINE 

34 MEN 

35 THE SINGLE LIFE 
She's giving those “I want to but I 
won't” vibes. Here's how to close 
the deal. BY WILL LEE 

37 MANTRACK 

41 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 

106 PARTY JOKES 

162 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 

167 ON THE SCENE 

168 GRAPEVINE 

170 POTPOURRI 
lifestyle 

84 TOP OF THE LOT 
Business goes casual and casual 
looks sharp. The new relaxed coats. 
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 

118 TIPS AND MICROCHIPS 
New PDAs and other gadgets put 
day-trading in the palm of your 
hand. BY JOEL ENOS 
reviews 

25 MOVIES 
Laura Linney, vampires. 

27 VIDEO 
Pimps on DVD. 

28 MUSIC 

Р]. Harvey and Australian 

country, 

33 BOOKS 


John le Carré, self-published sex. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE pholography director 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
JOHN REZER assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

FICTION: ALICE K TURNER editor; FORUM: JANES R- PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE 
associate editor; PATTY LAMBERT! editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edilon 
BUHRMESTER assistant editor; DAN HENLEY assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; 


; JASON 


BARBARA NELLIS associate edilor; ALISON LUNDGREN assistant editor; ROBERT B. DESALVO, TIMOTHY 
MOHR junior editors; CAROL ACKERBERG, REAGAN BROOKS, LINDA FEIDELSON. HELEN FRANGOLLIS, CAROL 
KUBALER. HARRIET PEASE editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: LEOrOLD 
FROEHLICH editor; BRETT HUSTON, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher: 

GEORGE HODAK. BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN 


researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; ANAHEED 

ALANI, TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant: 

CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Asa BABER, JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE СКОНЕ. KEN 
CROSS, WARREN KALDACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing art director; SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior 
art directors; ROB WILSON assistant art director; РМО. CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art 


assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art Services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
1 LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER senior editor; 
PATTY BEAUDETFRANGES. STEPHANIE MORRIS associate editors; DAVID CHAN, RICHARD FEGLEY. ARNY 


MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor 


FREYTAG. RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN. POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing 
photographers; ctowct GEORGIOU studio manager—chicago; BILL wirt studio manager—los 
angeles; 


LIZABETH GEORGIOL manager, photo library; RENAY LARSON photo administrator 


GAIL DAY 
publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY PONTARELLI RICHARD 


QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TEKIELA [ypeselters; BILL. BENWAY 
SIMMIE WILLIAN 


(prepress; CHAR KROWCZVK, ELAINE PERRY assistants 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director; 


CANDY RAKOWITZ communications director 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS associate publisher; Jor HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN шамоил direct 
response manager; VERRI BUNOFSKY marketing director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director; 
CAROL STUCKHARDT research director; NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPR KIM COHEN, STEVEN MU MEORD;. 
CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER; CHICAGO: BILL ROUSE; ATLANTA: вил. BENTZ. SARAH 


HUEY, GREG 
MADDOCK; MARIE FIRNENO advertising business manager; Kaka SARISRY advertising coordinator 


READER SERVICE 
MIKE OSTROWSKI. LINDA STROM cori 


ADMINISTRATIVE 


MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY TERPRISES INTERNATIONAL. INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
president, publishing division 


ALEX MIRONOVIC 


© 2000 Schiffen & Somerset Co.. NY, NY, Cognac Hennessy 40% Ас Vol. (80°) lease drink responsibly: 


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ALL NEW 
SPECIAL 
2-DISC SET 


‘Ste! Varon пс 200 Now Hanne MD be BARI Musa 


BRANDE'S BIRTHDAY 
Hef surprised Playmate Bran- 
de Roderick with а personal- 
ized birthday greeting on the 
set of her series, Baywatch 
Hawaii. For Brande, the star- 
ring role as lifeguard Leigh 
Dyer is a piece of cake. 


VICTOR, VICTORIA 

Christie Hefner's cocktail party for the 
Chicago International Film Festival at 
Playboy headquarters reunited photogra- 
pher Victor Skrebneski and one of his 
muses, 1997 PMOY Victoria Silvstedt, who 
struck a perfect pose. 


HOT GIRLS, 

COOL CLUBS, 
STAR POWER 
Beyond the velvet rope: Hef 
and his girlfriends Tina Jor- 
dan, Katie Lohmann and 
Cathi O'Malley, with Janet 


Jackson at Las Palmas in Hol- 
Iywood, are out for another 
glamorous night on the town. 


HEF'S ANGELS 

Hef and his angels, 
Katie Lohmann, Tiffa- 
ny Holliday, Tina Jor- 
dan and Саш! O'Mal- 
ley, met up with one 
of Charlie's own, Cam- 
eron Diaz, at the Los 
Angeles premiere of 
Charlie's Angels, also 


' starring Drew Barry- 


more and Lucy Liu. 
What makes a hit? 
A S40 million box of- 
fice opening, beau- 
tiful women, attitude 
and a sense of ad- 
venture—things Hef 
and Charlie's Angels 
know all about 


MOVIE NIGHT 
Atthe Playboy Man- 
sion, every Sunday 
is movie night. Hef 
takes a moment to 
greet World Wres- 
tling Federation su- 
perstar Chyna. Her 
November issue 
sold out from coast 
to coast and gen- 
erated reams of 
enthusiastic mail 
Playmates Jennifer 
Rovero and Nicole 
Lenz (above) make 
sure that Ally Mc- 
Beal's Peter Mac- 
Nicol has a good 


Й seat and plenty of 


popcorn. 


When Mr. Playboy isn't entertaining at the 
Mansion, he’s doing the club scene with his 
blonde party posse. (1) Cuba Gooding Jr. 
with Katie Lohmann, Tina Jordan and Hef 
at Las Palmas. (2) Tina, Buffy Tyler and the 
Man at Barfly. (3) Angela Little and Cathi 
O'Malley. (4) Jessica Paisley, Brande Roder- 
ick, Mandy Bentley and Tina in a nostalgic 
moment. (5) The Firm is the place to be on 
Thursday nights. Just ask Jaime Bergman, 
with Hef and Tina. (6) Madonna's CD release 
party was all Music and boy toys. (7) Buffy, 
Katie and twins Cassie and Maile Moore with 
Hef. (8) On Wednesdays, everyone does their 
thing at Las Palmas, including Tina, Hef, 
David Spade, Katie and Cathi. (9) Verne 
Troyer pops up. (10) Hef has his hands full 
at НВО” post-Emmys bash. (11) Summer 
Altice and Suzanne Stokes party up. (12) 
Britney who? *N Sync's Justin Timberlake 
with the gang at Las Palmas. (13) Tina and 
Suzanne get friendly. (14) It's a blonde, 
blonde, blonde, blonde world! 


MORE FUNNY, MORE SEXY. 
MORE EVERY mE UF Dun 


TERS SR 
Didnutseesn Theaters! 


Additional Scenes 
Behind The Scenes 
Theatrical Trailer 
DVD-ROM Features: 
Screen Snver 

Screenplay Viewer 
Character Profiles 

Senry Movie: Guide For The 
Colturally Challenged 


No mercy. No ahamn. No sequel. 


A Ms ШШШ 


WANTS UN 


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For Strong Crude Sexual Fumar, |0 = Dimension Home Video distributed by Buena Vista Home Entertainment, Inc, Burbank, Callomia 91521. хез 
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Dear Playboy ы 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPB © PLAYBOYCON. 


WONDER WOMAN 
Chyna (November) has it all. She has 
opened doors for all body types and 
sizes. Thank you, рглувоу, for showing 
off her fabulous body in such a classy 
way. My boyfriend and I were equally 
excited to buy the issue. 
Debbie-Jo Gill 
Edmonton, Alberta 


Chyna proves there is beauty to be 
found in all women. She entered a male- 
dominated profession and came out on 
top. The WWF's phenom is a positive 
role model for women everywhere. 

Matt Westfall 
Orrville, Ohio 


Таша 27-year-old, happily married 
woman who doesn't fit the typical ideal 


of beauty. Sadly, most magazines rub our 
imperfections in our faces. So it is fabu- 
lous to see Chyna on your cover. Thanks 
for giving her the opportunity to show 
the world how incredibly sexy she re- 
ally is, and for giving women hope for 
change in the future. 


Cheryl Waite 
Nampa, Idaho 


Please don't feature any more wres- 
tlers in PLAYBOY. I have no interest in a 
woman who could break me in two. 

Lanny Nestico 
North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania 


I don't consider a 6’ woman with 14 
inch biceps beautiful. 
Louis-Philippe St-Laurent 
Montreal, Quebec 


Chyna is bigger than many football 
players here at Colorado State Universi- 
ty. Here's a bit of advice: College stu- 
dents want to see soft, not stone. 

‘Tony Quinn 

Fort Collins, Colorado 


Women bodybuilders are not usually 
considered soft and feminine, but Chyna 
proves that muscles are sexy. 

Natasha Stooksbury 
Kingston, Tennessee 


After checking out the Chyna pictorial 
with my girlfriends, we came to the con- 
clusion that she is—or once was—a man. 
Either that, or she has a testosterone 
imbalance. 

Andrea Littlefield 
Portland, Maine 

Who you callin’ imbalanced? Chyna is all 

woman—an especially fit one. 


I WANT YOUR SEX 

Lou Paget's Twenty Things I Learned in 
Sex Class (November) is interesting and 
immediately brings to mind the lyrics 
from the Alice Cooper song Only Wom 
en Bleed: “She spends her life through 


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PLAYBOY 


pleasin' up her man.” I don't expect а 
woman to do that. 1 hope the days when 
women have to act like sex puppets in 
order to get love and affection are over. 
Sex is better without excessive demands 
or power plays. 

John Strang 

‘Torrance, California 


Every American male ought to read 
Paget's article. In fact, it should be a high 
school reading requirement. 

April Bell 
Saginaw, Michigan 


BE STILLER MY HEART 
Have you seen Meet the Parents? It's hi- 

larious. ГА much rather see Ben Stiller 
(Playboy Interview, November) in action 
than read what he has to say about being 
a workaholic. 

Jan Scott 

Las Vegas, Nevada 


FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE 
Matt Taibbi's article Russian Girls (No- 
vernber) is too conservative. Three years 


ago I married a gorgeous Russian attor- 
ney 30 years my junior and started miss 
russia.com, a millionaires-only match- 
making company. My clients pay over 
$25,000 for a custom tour, and 95 per- 
cent of them return from Russia en- 
gaged. Why? Because, in the words of 
a Fox News producer who documented 
a tour, "this ain't your daddy's Russia.” 
James Hickman 
Dallas, Texas 


I've gained a great deal from the wis- 
dom of pLayBoy over the years. However, 
Russian Girls is offensive and misogynis- 
tic. The article portrays Russian women 
as passive and submissive, which, ac- 
cording to Taibbi, are desirable traits. 1 
happen to be in love with a woman who 
is independent. Does that mean I don't 
live up to РГАҮВОҮ'$ standards? 

Ezra Haines 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


As an American woman of Hungarian 
descent, 1 am fascinated and infuriated 
by Taibbi's article. 1 appreciate his effort 
to dispel the stereotype of Russian and 
Eastern European women as babushka- 
wearing, unkempt housewives. Howev- 
er, he tells only half the story. Violence 
against women and their widespread 
trafficking are facts of life in the former 
Soviet Union and all over Eastern Eu- 
rope. Russian women are considered val- 
uable commodities for the very reasons 
‘Taibbi describes. Consequently, women 
are lured into prostitution by false prom- 
ises of a better future. Out of respect 
for your many female readers, PLAYBOY 
should present the other side. 

Agnes Wells 
Dover, Delaware 


Your Russian Girls article has me nod- 
ding in approval. I've encountered these 
women of the Eastern Bloc, and they are 
everything described and then some. I 
live in the Northeast, where the wom- 
en are as cold as the winter is long. So 
what's a red-blooded American male to 
do? Zip up, call your local travel agent 
and book the next flight to Moscow on 
the double. 

Doug Peterson 


Williamstown, Massachusetts 


NOT-SO-EASY RIDERS 
While James R. Petersen's Biker Wars 

article (November) covers a lot of the 
truth, it doesn't give your readers the 
entire picture. I’m a biker, though I 
don't hold a patch. I've had members of 
both clubs in my car shop (I'm a me- 
chanic by trade) and there's never been 
a problem. Not all bikers are bad. There 
are many of us who get the short end 
of the stick because of articles such as 
this. So 1 ask that the next time you pub. 
lish something as controversial as this, 
please tell the whole story. 

Andy "Wolf" Reading 

Wolf Pack Motorcycle Club 

Portsmouth, New Hampshire 


As a member of the Hell's Angels, 1 
would like to congratulate Petersen and 
PLAYBOY on a well-researched and factual 
article about our club and the Outlaws 
motorcycle club. It's rare to find such а 
well-written piece on this volatile subject 
that avoids sensationalism. 

(Name and address 
withheld by request) 


The war between the Hell's Angels 
and the Rock Machine has taken an en- 
tire province hostage. More than 150 
people have been killed in Quebec since 
1994. Jail guards have been killed, police 
and prosecutors have been intimidat- 
ed, over 100 bombs have exploded and 
recently a journalist from a prominent 
Montreal newspaper was shot five times 
because he called for a crackdown on the 


Buffed up. 


gangs. It’s important to mention these 
facts not to sensationalize the events but 
to remind people that innocents such 
as 11-year-old Daniel Desrochers, killed 
by а саг bomb detonated on August 9, 
1995, are at the mercy of the ruthless ri- 
val factions. Though the Illinois war was 
a bloody one, it pales in comparison to 
what Quebec has experienced. 
Stéphane Landry 
Montreal, Quebec 


What's wrong with you guys? Your 
coverage of biker outlaws does more to 
tarnish people's perceptions of riding a 
motorcycle than to glorify it. 

Tim Mehren 
Seattle, Washington 

Petersen rides a 1974 Norton, wrole a love 
letter to millennium bikes as recently as May 
2000 and glorifies bikes till our eyes glaze 
over. He doesn’t glorify car bombs. 


IN THE BUFF 
None of the other Centerfolds has a 
prayer against Bufly (She's So Buffy, No- 
vember), the heartbeat slayer. 
Daniel Dudych 
Des Plaines, Ilinois 


Every month I eagerly await my hus- 
band's PLAYBOY, and to my pleasant sur- 
prise, the beautiful Miss November is 
from Texas. Thanks so much. 

Anna Alaniz 
Houston, Texas 


When 1 opened my November issue to 
the Centerfold, I knew I'd laid eyes on 
the next Playmate of the Year, Buffy 
Tyler. 1 can’t wait until the June issue to 
see her again. Please give us another 
perfect photo. 

Fred Gowan Jr 
Indianapolis, Indiana 


камы бысть 35 y al» GARD Ca fun co. atr м. 


t 
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Everything tastes better with a splash of the unexpected. 


Join the Captain's стей at rum.com. Enjoy-our quality responsibly. 


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A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


EIGHT WAYS TO SPELL GOTCHA 


History and Jerry Springer tell us that 
if you're cheating on your woman you 
won't be for long. We asked Maxine Fiel, 
a behavior analyst in New York, how wom- 
en know when men are cheating 

The nose knows: Fiel says most women 
get suspicious when your breath “smells 
like sex” (!) or your clothes reek of per- 
fume and your girlfriend's sweat. 

You change your hair: Moving your part 
around or losing it entirely. 

Call me Calvin: You start telling her 
how to dress. "You're projecting the new 
woman's style onto her." 

The Samoan pile driver: Although you 
don't watch porn, you suddenly want to 
try new stunts in bed. 


DIAMOND SETTING 


What's in a name? For the Lillian 
Ball Studio in New York, diamonds 
are a girl's best friend. Ball designs 
jewelry using the distinctive shape 
of everyone's favorite blue poten- 
cy pill. While Ball has a men’s line 
of jewelry based on vitamins and 
capsules, we prefer the pendant 
pictured below. It possesses the 
four qualities that are shared by 
all fine diamonds: color, clarity, cut 
and context. 


LENNY’S WOMB WITH A VIEW 


Rock stars can, of course, do whatever they want when they decide to build 
themselves a dream house. Above is what Michael Czysz of Architropolis cre- 
ated for Lenny Kravitz’ Miami getaway. Its entryway has a white faux-fur tun- 
nel encircled with lights. There's a metal walkway leading to a pair of en- 
gorged, sliding red Plexiglas doors that lead into the living room. We're not, 
strictly speaking, Freudians, but we think that Lenny may be looking far some 
primal comfort in the steamy Southlands. 


That's our song: You play а new CD 
over and over. 

lo, homes: You start dressing different- 
ly. Like, f nce, Puff Daddy. 

Instant fortitude: You need a few drinks 


before getting it on with the old lady. 
Through your stomach: When you aren't 
rested in exotic food but bring home 


i 
Rwandan takeout, she'll know there's 
more spice in your life than paprika. 


19 


20 


HEY, ISN’T THAT GRANDMA? 


Albert Allen, a strange and little-known photographer, worked the bohemian scene in Oakland and Berkeley, California 
from 1916 to 1930 to create his opulent tableaux vivants. He was besieged by the Purity League and indicted four times. 
But he persisted in photographing female nudes in all their Jazz Age glory. Interest in his work has revived recently and 
a new book, Albert Arthur Allen: Premiere Nudes (Twin Palms, limited edition of 3000, phone: 800-797-0680), offers an 


expansive look at his elaborate stu 


MAPLE LEAF RAG 


Big shots in Toronto did some player- 
hating when critics of Eminem tried to 


"EEE 


PR ITEM OF THE MONTH 


We're used to getting interesting 
mail, but а packoge from Odyssey 
Group Video impressed us because 
of its sheer enthusiasm. In oddition 
fo the press release and chromes, 
there was a nifty jail-invoking grid 
and lineup shots. This was not 
cheap to produce. And what did 
they want us to know about? An 
oll-girl odult video about a prison 
called Ooze (os in Oz—get й), 
which they tell us is “a nonpenile 
institution." Now if we could only 
harness thot eneray for good 


cancel a concert there. However, the 
show went on as planned, with Mr. Math- 
ers brandishing his site-appropriate 
chain saw and goalic mask. Jim Flaherty, 
attorney general of Ontario, tried to stop 
Em from entering Canada because of 
complaints his lyrics incite hate and vio- 
lence. Toronto Police Chief Julian Fanti- 
no said Eminem's “glorifying violence is 


work with its mix of Busby Berkeley fantasy and frank carnality. 


totally unacceptable. It just goes over the 
bounds of propriety. If that's moralizing, 
then I’m moralizing.” However, authori- 
ties at the border declined to keep him 
out. “We aren't the thought police,” said 
Ministry of Immigration spokesman De- 
rik Hodgson. “If all people who made 
bad music were kept out of Canada, we 
could have stopped disco.” 


H OF THE MONTH 


Big oil begets big appetites. 
In Houston, executives hun- 
gry after a day of divying up 
the Caspian head to the club- 
by Bistro Lancaster in the 
historic Lancaster Hotel. Toss 
in a few honchos from the 
Houston Texans, the NFL's 
newest expansion team, and 
you get the hottest power- 
dining spot in town. Chef 
Tommy Child’s fare has Texas 
written oll over it. But it’s not 
the dusty chuck-wagon-and- 
pinto-bean cuisine you might 
expect. Take his rack of farm- 
raised Texas antelope, crust- 
ed with coriander for what 
Child describes as a fra- 
grant, intense-yet-mild Tex- 
Mex taste. Carved into two 
big juicy chops, the tender 
(not gamy) meat comes with 
а corn cake—another Tex- 
Mex touch—asparagus and 
jalapeño-mint jus that packs 
some heat. That's the way 
they like it down in Texas. 


EIGHT THUMBS 
UP TO YOUR 
MOTHER: Ё 
WU-TANG'S Ё 
FAVORITE Ё 
MOVIES 


We're always glad to 
see а new Wu-Tong 
Clan album. Their lat- 
est, The W (Loud), puts 
the Clan back on top of | 
the hard-core pile. We 
asked the ermine out- 
fitters about their taste 
in videos. By the way, 
ODB: Phone home. 


DECK 


TN 


{ве JAA , 


МАМ 


U-GOD | 


GHI 


KI 


Godlather 
Heat 
Cooley High 


Enemy of the State 
Menace to Society 
King of New York 


Shawshank 

Redemption 

The Beach 
Scarface 


Once Upon a 
Time in Ámerico 


Five Heartbeats 
Scarface 


Orgasmo 
Matrix 
The Best Mon 


South Central 
Dead Presidents 


Deadly Venom 
Deadly Venom | Godfather trilogy 


Five Heartbeats Stor Wars 
(all of them) 


Juice 


Young Guns Young Guns 


Ask somebos 
The ing Ras | rer 


watches ‘em 


The Good, the 
Bod & the Ugly 


The Good, the 
Bad & the Ugly 


1 don't watch 


кчы Young Guns 


THE PLAYBOY SMELL-OFF 


You may recall news of a study a few 
years ago that found men and women 
become sexually aroused by such hom- 
ey smells as doughnuts and licorice. 
Now, the scientist who conducted the re- 
search—Dr. Alan Hirsch, Neurological 
Director of the Smell and Taste Treat- 
ment and Research Foundation—has 
put out a line of spray fragrances. His 
SA-For Men is a combination of licorice, 

citrus and baby powder, while 


"| hate it when you 
до somewhere and 
9 million people 
are staring at you.” 
—Britney Spears 


SA-For Women combines lavender, cu- 
cumber and pumpkin. We contacted 
Hirsch at esexualarousal.com and con- 
ducted our own unscientific study on 
these sprays. Without explaining what 
the hell she was doing, a female editor 
sprayed seven of her friends. Then the 
crew hit the bars, with the following re- 
sults: (1) One male subject went home 
with a female stranger, who gave him a 
blow job. In the morning, when the fra- 
grance had worn off, she was no lon; 
sted. (2) One terribly shy male 
ally received a woman's business 
Ithough he still frets about actual- 
ly calling her. (3) A notoriously stingy 


Bruce Lee Bruce Lee Bruce Lee 


Bruce Lee Bruce Lee Bruce Lee 


male bartender gave one female subject 
an Absolut and cranberry on the house. 
(4) The female editor's boyfriend was hit 
on by a woman she described as “some 
drunk bitch.” (5) Although the female 
editor didn't apply the fragrance to her- 
self, a male editor had sprayed her earli- 


On Comedy Central’s Battlebots, contestants 
build radio-controlled robots armed with lethal weaponry that fight to the 
death in a booby-trapped arena. The popular robutt-kicking spectacle boasts 
Miss September 1995 Donna D'Errico as a batllecaster who oversees the met- 
al-mangling efforts of crowd faves like Vlad the Impaler. It's Revenge of the 
Nerds versus The Terminator, and it’s as addictive as Cheetos. 


er in the week before she left for home. 
A great writer but a lousy reader, he 
sprayed her with SA-For Men instead of 
SA-For Women. On a crowded bus, a 
woman tugged on her sleeve and offered 
up her seat. Our colleague took it, as- 
suming she was getting off at the next 


21 


22 


SIGNIFICA, 


INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 
ae 


QUOTE 
“To err is hu- 
man, but to real- 
ly foul things up 
requires a com- 


LICH, BIOLOGIST 


LATIN LOVELESS 


м of finding vulnera- 
а ities in operat- 
ing systems: 500 
to 1000. Estimated 
number of hack- 
ers who can use a 
le. T genius’ findings to 
Е y attack computer 
networks: 5000. 


According to a 

survey by the Italian Institute of An- 
drology, percentage of Italian men 
between the ages of 18 and 30 who 
suffer from premature ejaculation: 
20. Percentage of Italian men in the 
same age bracket who say they have 
no love life: 18. 


SHE'S A REAL HEIFER 
Percentage of identified genes in 
cattle that are identical to known hu- 
man genes: 83. 


MY LAST-MINUTE VALENTINE 
Number of Internet sites with the 
word gift in their names: 46,071. 


HUMDINGERS 

In a survey by General Motors, the 
average percentage of people who 
can identify any particular car model: 
20. The percentage of respondents 
who know what a Hummer is: 98. 
"The number of Hummers sold ead 
year: 1200. 


SMILEY'S PEOPLE 

Number of U.S. military and civil- 
ian personnel at the Defense Depart- 
ment who have been convicted of es- 
pionage since 1982: 68. Number of 
employees convicted of espionage 
since 1982, while working for private 
defense contractors: 12. 


VIRAL STAIRCASE 
According to Ira Winkler, a former 
computer expert at the National Se- 
curity Agency, number of computer 
geniuses in the world who are capable 


Number of “clue- 
less” cybergeeks who are hacking 
around: 100,000. 


BREWING LOYALTY 

According to a survey by iSwag. 
com, percentage of respondents who 
use a coffee mug bearing their com- 
pany's logo who had also been pro- 
moted in the previous six months: 37. 
Percentage of mugless workers who 
had been promoted: 8. Percentage of 
employees who used something fea- 
turing their company's logo during 
the weekend: 2. 


POOR SPORTS 

In tests by the Insurance Institute 
for Highway Safety that subject vehi- 
cle bumpers to а 5 mph impact, the 
range of the cost of repairs for vai 
ous makes of medium-size sport u 
лу vehicles: $2918 to $6282. Repair 
costs for a Volkswagen Beetle: $134. 


ONCE A NAG, ALWAYS A NAG 
Highest number of defeats in the 
history of U.S. Thoroughbred racing: 
86 (held by 9-year-old gelding Zippy 
Chippy). 


NO CLASS 

According to research by a Rutgers 
University professor, percentage of 
surveyed students who admitted they 
were guilty of plagiarism: 16. Per- 
centage who cheated on tests: 26. Ас- 
cording to the Center for Academic 
Integrity, percent of students who will 
cheat in some form during their un- 
dergrad careers: 75. —BETTY SCHAAL 


stop. Instead, the woman remained on 
the bus and commenced smiling seduc 
tively. To her boyfriend's dismay—and 
cutting a potential long story short—the 
editrix didn't invite the woman home for 
a nightcap 


LONDON BALLING 


Headed to Broadway? In September, 
London's Whitehall Theater opened 
Puppetry of the Penis, featuring two Aus- 
tralian men who “manipulate their gen- 
italia into various shapes, objects and 
landmarks.” Described in the show's 


cgi» ад 
FATBOY SLIM FEST 


Funk-soul brother Fatboy Slim—or 
Norman Cook to his mum—is back 
with Halfway Between the Gutter 
and the Stars, the follow-up to his 
platinum You've Come a Long Way, 
Baby. Though stormin’ Norman is 
legendary for his partying (his shirt, 
above, is exhibit A), he’s slowed 
down after knocking up Mrs. Slim. 
“I'm not saying | don't do it—but I 
come home the next morning as 
opposed to two days later. And of 
course back at my house, it can get 
pretty close to the bone. We've got 
a pole-doncing pole in the middle 
of the lounge.” Despite the strip 
club atmosphere at home, Fatboy 
refrains from offering tips for dee- 
jaying in the bedroom: “1 tend not 
to listen to anything when I’m do- 
ing it. Because | tend to sing along, 
which doesn’t go down well with 
my partner. | learned that a few 
years ago. Chicks don't dig it when | 
you're singing along to a song | 


whilst you're having sex.” 


Shown smaller than 
actual size. Clock 
measures 9/2" 
wide x 14" high. 
Chain length 
up to 5% feet. 


n 
the Da e Mint 


MBI 


RESERVATION APP 
The Danbury Mint Send 


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Norwalk, CT 06857 
— THE 


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CUCKOO CLOCK 


YES! Reserve The Black Forest Cuckoo Clock as described in this 
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THE 
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24 


VERY COOL COOLER 


We appreciate a good ad when we 
see it. This image was created by 
Novient, a company in the web- 
based-solution business (beats us, 
too). They were touting their suc- 
cess and thought this watercool- 
er (with an upended nebuchadnez- 
zar of Dom Perignon) was а way 
to catch our eye. It did. We've in- 
stalled one in our office. However, 
we use flutes instead of paper cups. 


press release as welLendowed, perform- 
ers Simon Morley and David Friend 
spend more than an hour engaging in 
the ancient Australian art of genital ori- 
gami. To the layman, that means they 
bend, twist and stretch themselves to do 
impressions of the Loch Ness monster, 
a hamburger, bow tie, wristwatch, bull- 
frog, mushroom cloud, windsurfer. sea 
anemone, wedding ring, slow-emerging 
mollusk, three-wood golf club and the 
Eiffel Tower. A video camera hooked up 
to strategically placed television monitors 
helps ensure that audiences don't miss a 
single dick trick. After debuting in Mel- 
bourne, Puppetry toured Australia, a long 
and hard journey that's documented in 
the film Tackle Happy, whose marketing 
slogan was “Iwo Men, ‘Two Dicks, Too 
Much Spare Time.” A pair of producers 
from London realized they had to pick 
up the show when the woman sitting next 
to them at a festival performance became 
incontinent while watching the boys’ im- 
personation of Kentucky Fried Chicken. 


THE TIP SHEET 


Sword fight: A party with a depressing- 
ly high male-to-female ratio. 

Scratch-and-sniff condoms: Lifestyles’ 
new Luscious Flavors boxes come with 
scent panels—the next-best thing to a 
taste test. 

Nakednews.com: Hosted by nude an- 
chorwomen, it's a broadcast where poli- 
cians are constantly in bed with special 
interests, the weather is usually nipply 
and the Dow is always up. 

Stephen Lynch: His new comedy CD, 
A Litile Bit Special, is full of saccharine 
melodies and vulgar lyrics. We like the 
tender ballad Gerbil. 

Canadian ballet: Buffalo, New York 
slang for strip clubs across the border, 
from Slanguage (Hyperion) by Mike Ellis. 

Essential oils: Billed as the perfect prep 
for a perfect shave—whether you're 
working on your face or your girlfriend's 


coochie. A few drops'll do, be it the high- 
end bottle from Decleor or the regular 
guy's King of Shaves. 

Tommy's Juiced Up: While you're at it, 
wax your johnson with the new bath gel 
from Tommy Hilfiger, designed to make 
you tingle in all the right places. 

National Practitioner Data Bank: An an- 
nual listing of 20,125 American doctors 
facing disciplinary actions for such mis- 
steps as cutting into the wrong side of a 
patient's brain or using an amputated 
foot in a crab trap. 

Wind-o: The alimentary breezeway 
that enables flatulence. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


Since retreating 
fram modeling, 
multilingual Manica 
Bellucci has spiced 
up foreign mov- 
ies far a decade. 
Now the 32-year-old 
Italian beauty is 
paised to make an 
impression on these 
shores. You might 
remember her 1992 
debut as one of the 
vampire brides who 
seduced Keanu 
Reeves in Dracula. 
Her role in 1996's 
French film The 
Apartment caught 
the attentian of 
ctor Stephen Hop- 
kins, who cast her 
Gene Hackman's 
sexpot wife in last 
year's Under Suspi- 
cion. Bellucci, who 
lives in Paris, most 
recently starred in 
iromax’ romantic 
Comedy Malena. 
Besides the obvious 
reasons that she 
perfect chaice 
p play a widow 
{ho enchants the 
and boys of a 
In village, one 
Bducer added 
ellucci has "a 
‘of unspoken 
in her face. 
сш through 
the beauty.” 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Sony Pic- 
tures Classics) is a poetic presentation 
of martial arts action post-Matrix, set 
not in the future but in China's formal 
past. Michelle Yeoh and 
Chow Yun-Fat star in this 
saga of honor, betrayal, vi- 
olence, passion and love, 
directed by Ang Lee. A 
disillusioned master fight- 
er forsakes his destiny 
and gives up his ancient 
sword, but the coveted 
and historic instrument of 
death becomes a magnet 
for disreputable competi- 
tors. The dreamlike action 
sequences are irresistible 
and have already raised a 
considerable buzz among 
film festival attendees; if 
only the story itself didn't 
take quite so long to play 
out. УУУ 


Poking fun at movie- 
making and moviemakers 
seems too easy for some- 
one of David Mamet's tal- 
ent, but State and Main 
(Fine Line) works as well 
as it does because he understands—and 
embraces—the details that others have 
overlooked. The always-welcome Wil- 
liam H. Macy plays a director who has 
brought his company to a small town in 
Vermont. A steady stream of bull comes 


Maggie Greenwald is the best-kept 
secret in film. Her latest feature, 
Songcatcher (with Janet McTeer and 
Aidan Quinn), isn’t destined to reach 
a wide audience. Like her other шоу- 


ies, it isn’t flashy or trendy, and there 


HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT 


isn’t a huge promotional budget be- 
hind it. It's simply a great Ame! 
can film. 

This will come as no surprise to the 
few who have followed Greenwald's 
consistent but low-key career. Her 
compelling gender-bending Western 
saga, The Ballad of Little Jo, came and 
went in 1993 but lives on through 
home video—and in a recent stage 
adaptation by Chicago’s Steppenwolf 
Theater, Inspired by a terse obituary 
in a vintage newspaper, Greenwald 
wrote this story about a woman (Suzy 
Amis) who heads West in the 1860s 


so naturally to Macy's character that he 
doesn't think twice about how to han- 
dle a spoiled, oversexed star (Alec Bald- 
win). a recalcitrant actress (Sarah Jessi- 
са Parker), a small-town mayor (Charles 
Durning), a local girl (Julia Stiles) who is 


Mirth's Gillian Anderson. 


h 


turned on by the visiting movie star or 
the underlings who make up his troupe. 
Philip Seymour Hoffman co-stars as a 
naive playwright (and first-time screen- 
writer) who walks around in a daze most 
of the time—especially when he meets 


and quickly learns there is no place 
for a single female on the untamed 
frontier. So she passes herself off as 
a man and lives the rest of her life 
that way. 

Amis recently told me that making 
the film was a life-changing ex- 
perience; she found Greenwald 
an inspiring woman to work for. 

Greenwald has the same effect on the 
audience—she opens our eyes to 
facets of Americana that others have 
overlooked. In Songcatcher it’s the 
notation of folk songs in the back- 
woods South. 

But the director isn’t easily pigeon- 
holed. She also made one of the best 
versions of a Jim Thompson novel 
ever put on film, The Kill-Off. It was 
screened at Sundance in 1990, won 
some praise and then disappeared. 
Shot on a shoestring budget, it's rich 
in seedy atmosphere and vivid per- 
formances by a cast of movie un- 


a smart bookstore owner (Rebecca Pid- 
geon) who actually listens to him and 
offers intelligent advice. State and Main 
provides no startling revelations, but it's 
great fun to watch. ¥¥¥ 


F.W. Murnau's silent 
ic Nosferatu is one of 
the creepiest movies ever 
made. Shadow of the Vam- 
pire (Lions Gate) offers a 
fanciful story of that mov- 
ie's creation, highlighted 
by two exceptional perfor- 
mances: John Malkovich 
as the obsessive director, 
and Willem Daloe as the 
exceedingly strange actor 
Max Schreck, who played 
the title vampire. Dafoe's 
performance is worthy of 
an Oscar, and ought to be 
studied by anyone who 
cares about great acting 
How does one portray 
a freakish character, and 
go over the top, yet stop 
Just short of caricature? 
Dafoe manages to pull it 
off. Е. Elias Merhige di- 
rects the proceedings with 
a sure hand, and Steven 
Katz’ script captures the 
filmmaker's intensity and decadence in 
equal portions, with nice turns by Cary 
Elwes as a cameraman, Catherine Mc- 
Cormack as a self-possessed actress and 
Udo Kier as Murnau’s long-suffering 
producer. ¥¥¥ 


knowns—and it’s one of the best film 
noirs Гуе ever seen. Don’t expect to 
find it at your corner video store, but 
you can contact its video distributor, 
Kenon Entertainment (xenonpic 
tures.com, or call 800-829-1913). 

I recently met Maggie Greenwald 
while she was in Los Angeles to pro- 
mote Songcatcher. This mother of 
a three-year-old daughter resides in 
Brooklyn, teaches at Columbia Uni 
versity and has no urge to make an 
empty-headed Hollywood picture. 
With just four films under her belt in 
12 years, she’s ready to work more, 
and recently directed a Lifetime mov- 
ie called What Makes a Family, with 
Brooke Shields, Cherry Jones and 
Anne Meara. 

The future is unlimited for a talent 
like this. And if more movie lovers get 
to know her existing work, they'll be 
looking forward to whatever she does 
next, as I am. —L.M. 


25 


26 


Edith Wharton's best-known novels 
deal with society's misfits, outcasts and 
masters in the late 19th and early 20th 
centuries. The protagonist in The House 
of Mirth (Sony Pictures Classics), played 
by Gillian Anderson, is an independent- 
minded woman who pays a heavy price 
for her refusal to “play the game.” Deep- 
ly attracted to an attorney (Eric Stoltz) 
but determined to find someone of more 
substantial means, she slides into a 
quicksand pit of deceit and betrayal with 
her so-called friends. Yet she refuses to 
fight back, even though she has the am- 
munition to do so, because it would be 
unseemly. Terence Davies adapted and 
directed this exquisitely detailed pro- 
duction but deadened it with a snail-like 
ce. The story gets more interesting as 
it goes along, but not every viewer will 
have the patience to stay the course. Dan 
Aykroyd, Laura Linney and Anthony La- 


LAURA LINNEY. BEST KNOWN FOR: 
Playing Jim Carrey's wife in The 
Truman Show. WHAT THAT LED 
то: “I didn't work for a year. 

I mean, nothing! It was if 
bizarre, and I'm glad that P 
period is over. But that's 
show business for you. 
This past summer 1 
made four films back-to- 
back." ROOMMATE WHILE 
STUDYING AT JUILLIARD: 
Jeanne Tripplehorn 
NOW APPEARING IN: The 
House of Mirth and 

You Can Соит on Me, 
written and directed 

by Ken Lonergan, in 
which she gives an 
Oscar-worthy perfor- 
mance. WHAT IT'S LIKE 

TO WORK WITH A PLAY- 
WRIGHT TURNED DIRECTOR: 
“There's not a single 
minute of verbal improvi- 
sation in that script. 
Every word, every stut- 
ter, every "um, every 
"well, 1 mean, is script- 
ed. It was a challenge 
to get all that right.” 
THE STRANGEST PART 
THAT SHE'S EVER BEEN 
OFFERED: “Mother Tere- 
sa! I'm a five-foot- 
seven blonde with 

blue eyes. The idea 

of my playing Mother 
Teresa, who's like 
four-foot-two, dark- 
skinned, ethnic . .. my 
agent and I laughed and 
laughed." iM 


SCENE-STEALER 


Paglia fill out an expert cast, yet 1 can't 
help thinking that an actress with more 
magnetism ıhan Anderson might have 
given the film a shot in the arm, YY 


Snatch (Screen Gems) might be subti- 
ued Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, 
Part 2. Once again, director Guy Ritch- 
ie has concocted a black-tinged farce in 
which a gallery of sleazy underworld 
characters collide with one another as 
they go about their business, which in- 
cludes a daring diamond robbery and 
an illegal bare-knuckle boxing match. 
Armed with a bigger budget (and a grow- 
ing reputation), Ritchie has added one 
star (Brad Pitt) and several familiar char- 
acter actors (Benicio Del Toro, Dennis 
Farina, Rade Serbedzija) to his ensem- 
ble, and refined some of his visceral edit- 
ing tricks. Snatch is a wild rid sh, 
original, violent and funny. I like it even 
better than Ritchie's debut film. ЖУУ 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Charlie’s Angels (Listed only) A great 
showcase for Cameron Diaz, Drew 
Barrymore and Lucy Liu; just don't 
expect story or characterization. The 
fun and high energy carry i. ¥¥/2 
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Scc re- 
view) Its dazzling, post-Matrix action 
scenes make this worth seeing, but 
the story is too drawn out. Wh 
Dr. Tand the Women (Listed only) Rich- 
ard Gere almost escapes unscathed 
from this incredibly annoying Robert 
Altman film about an ob/gyn who's 
surrounded by selfish women. Y 
The House of Mirth (See review) Gillian 
Anderson stars as Edith Wharton's 
doomed heroine in this study of 
American society—and the perils of 
breaking its rules—at the turn of the 
century. A snail's pace weighs down 
this exquisitely detailed film. yv 
Lucky Numbers (Listed only) Travol- 
ta and Kudrow deserve better than 
this unfunny comedy about a rigged 
lottery. Y 
Pay It Forward (Listed only) The ex- 
traordinary presence of Haley Joel 
Osment makes this film worth see- 
ing—along with Kevin Spacey and a 
game but miscast Helen Hunt. Still, 
this Frank Capra wannabe sputters 
and disappoints. yy 
Shadow of the Vampire (See review) 
Willem Dafoe gives an Oscar-worthy 
performance as the freakish actor 
who played the title role in the classic 
silent film Nosferatu—the screen's fi 
vampire. John Malkovich stars as di- 
rector EW. Murnau. vun 
Snatch (See review) Guy Ritchie's fol- 
low-up to Lock, Stock and Fico Smoking 
Barrels is another barrel of dynamite: 
a wild ride through the London un- 
derworld that's fast, funny and fresh. 
Brad Pitt is part of the action. УУУ 
Stardom (Listed only) Denys Arcand 
dissects the culture of celebrity by 
following the unexpected career of 
a beautiful Canadian hockey player 
who becomes a supermodel. ¥¥¥ 
State and Main (See review) William H 
Macy plays a glib movie director who 
invades a small Vermont town with a 
pack of demanding stars. Alec Bald- 
win, Sarah Jessica Parker and Phil- 
ip Seymour Hoffman co-star in this 
amusing film by David Mamet. УУУ 
Tigerland (Listed only) Joel Schuma- 
cher directed this compelling film 
about Army recruits training for com- 
bat in Vietnam. A fresh and powerful 
look at how military life affects differ- 
ent people. ww 


YY Worth a look 
У Forget it 


YYYY Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


me "China- 

Чыр town is 

one of my 

favorite mov- 

" says Andy 

Dick of 

NBC's Sam- 

у. “There's а 

short movie called 

Slacker that's 

really fun. | also 

like The Shaw- 

shank Radamption. Steve Martin and 
Charles Grodin's movie, The Lonely Guy, 
is hysterical. І love Albert Brooks’ early 
films—Modam Romance and Real Life— 
and almost any Woody Allen movie except 
Celabrity. Deconstructing Harry is one of 
my favorites ever.” —SUSAN KARLIN 


DESERT ISLAND TAPES 


With Tom Hanks’ Cast Away in theaters 
and Survivor И: The Australian Outback on 
ГУ, we've got that marooned feeling. 
But with a VCR and a little clectricity, 
you're never alone. 

Lord of the Flies (1990): In an example of 
survival of the fittest, schoolboys strand- 
ed on an island divide into two parties: 
Democratic liberals and Fascist conserva- 
tive militants. Guess which party wins. 
Crusoe (1988): Daniel Delve's story of the 
inal survivor is retold in gorgeous 
images by cinematographer turned di- 
rector Caleb Deschanel. Shirtless Aidan 
Quinn looks a lot better than Richard 
Hatch—and he doesn't eat rats 

Castaway (1987): This is giving us ideas: 
Middle-aged Oliver Reed advertises for 
а companion to spend а year alone on an 
island with him—and sexy Amanda Don- 
ohoe, not shy about naked bodysurfing, 
answers the ad. Stylishly directed by Nic- 
olas Roeg 

Flight of the Phoenix (1965): One of the 
manliest movies ever made. Jimmy Stew- 
art tries to organize survivors of a plane 
crash in the Sahara before the heat turns 
them into french fries. Spectacular, rivet- 
ing drama. 

The Blue Lagoon (1980): Admit it: It sucks, 
but you recall it fondly. Couldn't be 15- 
year-old Brooke Shields romping in the 
buff, could it? Shame on you. 

Six Days, Seven Nights (1998): It had all 
the right ingredients: sunshine, blue wa- 
ter, bottle blonde. ‘Too bad Anne Heche 
came out before this was released. At 
least now we understand why she never 
warmed up to Harrison Ford. Those рса- 
cock kabobs look good, though. 

And Then There Were None (1945): Mystery 
mayen Agatha Christie strands 10 peo- 


ple on an island, where they are killed 
off one by one. If CBS' Big Brother had 
had a plot like that, the ratings would 
have been much higher. 

Marooned (1969): Three astronauts—led 
by Gene Hackman—are stuck in orbit 
with a dwindling air supply. Houston is 
trying to get them down, but there's a 
hurricane brewing. And their wives are 
upset. Cheesy, сатру fun. 

The Most Dangerous Game (1932): Hunt- 
ing fanatic Count Zaroff (Leslie Banks) 
gives shipwreck survivor Joel McCrea а 
knife and a one-day head start on a re- 
mote island before he begins to track 
him down —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


No film captured the complexities of the 
late-Sixties rock-and-roll revolution as 
effectively as the Rolling Stones’ Gimme 
Shelter, which recently arrived in a DVD 
Criterion Collection release ($40), cel- 
ebrating the film's 30th anniversary. It 
remains the behind-the-concert-scenes 
film with a difference—that is, it includes 
a killing, plus footage of the Stones and 
the filmmakers reviewing the clip that 
recorded the harrowing moment when 
several Hell's Angels, hired by concert 
organizers to keep the peace, silenced an 
18-year-old black man forever. Criterion 
shoehorns s usual wealth of extra 
materials, including a small booklet with 
essays and thoughts on the controversial 
film. (Was it a snuff film? An exercise in 
spin by the Rolling Stones, who partially 
financed the production?) The DVD, re- 


MOOD 


The Art of War (UN superspy Snipes stir-fries foes of a Chinese 
trade agreement; solid, if familiar), The Way of the Gun (kid- 
nappers and their plan go south of the border; an all-you- 
can-eat bullets-and-grunge buffet). 


The curious culture 
of flesh peddling is 
the subject of two 
DVDs— American 
Pimp (MGM) and Pimps 
Up, Ho's Down: The 


Director's Cut (Delta 
Entertainment). These 
documentaries cele- 
brate the trashy world 

of extreme ghetto fin- 

ery. Pimps and their 
bitches explain “the 
game” in brutal de- 

tail. All of which is 
hysterically funny 

if you squint at the fact that 
these are predatory morons and damaged- 
goods ladies. But if you enjoy seeing folks 
exploit their skanky delusions—and who 
doesn't?—you'll get down with the mack 
attack. Happy Valentine's Day. 


u 


mastered from an original camera neg- 
ative and spifled up with Dolby Digital 
and DTS 5.1 sound, is a revelation to 
anyone who knows the film only from 
ТУ. The film documents Mick Jagger 
and Keith Richards during their per- 
forming peak, when the Stones staked a 
daim as the greatest rock-and-roll band 
in the world. — GREGORY Р FAGAN 


MOVIE 


GIRLS 


Bring It On (Kirsten Dunst's bodacious pom-pom princesses 
Pursue cheerleading's crown; hot drivel), Coyote Ugly (it's 
Flashdance via Cocktail with perky Piper Perabo as the little 
tank-topped barmaid who could: irresistibly disappointing) 


SUSPENSE 


What Lies Beneath (Harrison Ford's dead mistress? Decent 
Chills as wife Pfeiffer feels violated from beyond), Hollow Man 
(Kevin Bacon, invisible psycho; director Paul Verhoeven es- 
chews big voyeuristic payoffs for blood and guls, alas). 


FEEL GOOD 


Space Cowboys (geezers Eastwood, Sutherland, Gamer and 
TL. Jones hobble up to Hubble territory; NASA meets AARP), 
The Replacements (Keanu Reeves QBs motley NFL strike- 
breakers; coach Hackman boots it into the end zone). 


KILLERS 


The Watcher (Reeves, this time as a strangler making life a liv- 
ing hell for fed James Spader; moody, but nothing new), The 
Cell (supershrink Jennifer Lopez dives into a homicidal kid- 
napper's subconscious; slick and lush, if obtuse). 


27 


28 


TEN YEARS AGO U2 decided that they'd 
overdone being preachy and earnest. So 
they reversed course and spent the Nine- 
ties overdoing irony and spectacle. That 
didn't feel right either. On All That You 
Can't Leave Behind (Interscope), they fi- 
nally stop trying so hard, and let the mu- 
sic do the talking. The result is a master- 
piece. This is the album their fans have 
hoped for since The Joshua Tree. Their 
playing is relaxed yet focused, as the 
songs, not the production, take center 
stage. The gospel-tinged Stuck ina Moment, 
Kite and Grace illustrate the band's pow- 
erful positive energy, and the luminous 
Beautiful Day may be their finest single 
ever—and it establishes the album's re- 
demptive theme. —VIC GARBARINI 


Polly Jean Harvey creates relentless 
drama in the glorious rock-and-roll an- 
thems that comprise her sixth album, 
Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea (15- 
land). The obvious comparison is to Pat- 
ti Smith, because Smith does so much 
with a few repeated chord progressions, 
But PJ. Harvey has none of Smith's pre- 
ciousness, which makes the former a bet- 
ter singer and poet. The Stories CD is 
hypnotic and melodic, with the vocals 


You Can't Leave U2 Behind. 


high in the mix, so you know that she's 
singing plaintively about the flickering 
possibility of love and belief in an ugly 
world. CHARLES M. YOUNG 


1f Muddy Waters had never left Mis- 
sissippi for the bright lights of Chica- 
go, he'd probably sound a lot like R.L. 
Burnside on Wish I Was in Heaven Sitting 
Down (Fat Possum). Burnside, arguably 
the finest blues shouter working to- 
day, finally received national recognition 
when a track from his remarkable tech- 
no-blues album, Come On In, was fe 
tured on The Sopranos and its sound 
track. This album has some nice loops 
and scratches, courtesy of Beck's DJ 
Swamp. But the real attraction is R.L.’ 
deeply heartfelt vocals. He tells his fami- 
ly's tragic history on the blues-rap Hard 
Time Killing Floor with unpretentious ele- 


gance. It makes most of today's boastful 
raps sound childish. ас 


No single musician can be credited 
with the invention of heavy metal, but 
Tony Iommi was certainly the first to fig. 
ure out the possibilities for awe and ter- 
roaring guitar d ion. His 
riffs with Black Sabbath are still in- 

iring kids to pick up the guitar 
Now he's following the recent exam- 
ple of Carlos Santana by putting 
out an album with various guest 
vocalists, ranging from Ozzy Os- 
bourne to Billy Corgan. Iommi (Di- 
vine/Priority) is a treat. lom- 
s deceptively simple (easy to 
mitate, impossible to dupli- 
cate) riffs are recorded with all 
the oomph of modern technol- 
ogy. The master has delivered 
а monster. —cx. 


It's easy to miss the real Ma- 
donna story, damned as she is 
for paying too much attention 
to the bottom line. She's the 
only pop star who's survived 
two decades with both legend 
and audience intact. It's not just that Mu- 
sic (Maverick) is one of the most popular 
albums of her career. It's also one of the 
brilliant collaboration with a 
batch of dance music producers. The 
album has enough Madonna traits 

and techno trickery to give it uni- 

1y, but the best part is that she's 
uniquely comfortable dipping in- 
to the whole pool of pop. This 
isn't a successful marketing ploy. 

It's a sign of how much the wom- 

an loves these sounds. She's fas- 

cinated not just with her own 
music, but also with everyone 
else's. —DAVE MARSH 


Like Dolly Parton, Iris DeMent 
or fiddler turned warbler Alison Krauss, 
Kasey Chambers has one ol 
those voices that are so coun- 
try they make you say hot 
damn. There's a burr and an 
emotional catch in her drawl. 
Not only that, but she also 
writes memorable tunes with 
pungent lyrics—about cars, 
nature and Southern life. 
The thing is, the South she’s 
from is not the one you'd ex- 
pect, but southern Austra- 
lía. This means her voice is 
an inspired ion if you 
like it and an affectation if 
you don't. The Captain (Asy- 
lum) lets you decide. You Got 
the Car, about putting the 
brakes on romance, and We're 
All Gonna Die Someday, about 
how you can kiss her ass, 


Tony lommi. 


make me hope she's successful enough 
to get looser with her mean streak. The 
result could be some new-fashioned 

country fun. —kOBERT CHRISTGAL 


In an era when the 

hot music genres are 
hip-hop, alternative, 
ті and teen 
| pop, Lenny Kravitz is a 
_ throwback. Since his de- 

_ but in 1989 with Let Love 

Rule, he's maintained his 
stardom the old-fashioned way: 
Kravitz specializes in hooky 
pop-rock with occasional ven- 
tures into sweet soul music. 
It's clear from his catalog 
that he's always believed the 
best moves are the old ones. 
His sixth album, Greotest Hits 
(Virgin), is a testament to his 
dedication to the melodies, 
riffs and sonic timbres of pop- 
rock's early-Seventies gold- 
en age. The signature tracks 
Are You Gonna Go My Way and 
Fly Away, which open this 
15-song collection, are the 
kind of driving, vibrant guitar-driven 
hits that were staples of Top 40 radio. 
Early in his career, Kravitz made a fe- 
tish of using vintage soundboards, amps 
and instruments to achieve that precious 
retro feel. The textures of Always on the 
Run and the chugging Mr. Cab Driver are 
the fruits of his labor—dirty-sounding 
tracks that, for his fans, sound more au- 
thentic than the polished productions 
of his peers. Even his forays into soul 
music, such as It Ain't Over Til It's Over 
in its melody, backing vocals and string 
arrangement, echo the classic Philly 
Sound. Kravitz’ songwriting can be both 
well crafted and incredibly banal, Again, 
the one new song on Greatest Hils, is a 
sharp, midtempo rocker with an ingrati- 
ating chorus and lame verses. Kravitz 


Gold: Aretha Franklin 


Electric Ladyland: 
) Jimi Hendrix 


Songs in the Key of Lifes 
Stevie Wonder 


Amplified: Q-Tip 


2001: Dr. Dre 


\ 


LAPTOPS BY DAY. | 


BACARDI 
m. EST? 1862 


ВАСАЯО СОМ 
BACARDI AND THE BAT DEVICE ARE REGISTERED TRADEMARKS OF BACARDI & COMPANY LIMITED. © 2000 BACARDI U.S.A, INC. MIAMI, FL. RUM 40% ALC. BY VOL. 


BACARDI BY NIGHT. 


И 


30 


STRANGE POLITICS AND BEDFELLOWS DE- 
PARTMENT: Now that the election dust 
has settled, it will be up to the people 
to decide if Marilyn Manson's endorse- 
ment of George W raised Bush's hip 

ness factor. 

REELING AND ROCKING: In Snipes, Nelly 
will play a hip-hop artist kidnapped 
on the eve of the release of his new al- 
bum. . . . Fredro Starr, formerly of On- 
yx, will appear with Julia Stiles in Save 
the Last Dance, a sto- 
ry about а Midwest- 
ern girl who moves 

to Chicago and 
becomes roman- 
tically involved 
with a kid who 
has a rough past. 
NEWSBREAKS: Rod 
Stewart's new al- 
bum, Human, will 
be released on Valentine's Day. 
Barry White discussed downloading 
music for free with students at Oxford 
University. Yes, Oxford. ... Down- 
town Palm Springs will be home to a 
memorial statue of former mayor and 
congressman Sonny Bono. They got 
him, babe. . . . Sotheby's auctioned off 
Jimi Hendrix’ green silk jacket to the 
N Rock Cafe in Manchester for 
$50,000. . . . The 50th anniversary of 
Sun Studio will be celebrated this ve 
and you can expect an all-star album 
and a PBS special. Paul McCartney, Dyl- 
оп, Elton John, the Who, Page and Plant, 
Van Morrison, Aerosmith and others per- 
form songs by Sun's greats: Elvis, Carl 
Perkins, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis and 
Roy Orbison. . . . Webnoize, the digital 
entertainment authority, estimated 
that last September 1.4 billion songs 
were downloaded using Napster. . . . 
The John Lennon exhibit at the Rock 
and Roll Hall of Fame will not be 
mounted anywhere else. Until Sep- 
tember 2001, you will be able to see 


Christgau 


Garbarini 


such items as artwork, furniture, cos- 
tumes, guitars, lyrics and childhood 
mementos, all from Yoko's personal 
collection. Although David Bowie 
started the music-royalties securi 
tion deals on Wall Street, the latest in- 
volves Marvin Gaye's estate. You can 
own a piece of Gaye's catalog, which 
includes more than 200 songs and 
compositions, as an investment. The 
bonds have the approval of all three of 
Marvin's children. . . . Speaking of 
Motown, Berry Gordy has launched a 
foundation named after his late sister 
Gwen to help early R&B artists with 
medical and other expenses. . . . Hu- 
ey Lewis, who sang a duet in Duets, 
has a new CD with the News called 
Plan B. . .. A study at the Universi- 
ty of Arkansas compared the emotion- 
al effects of classical music with those 
from other genres and found that 
listener-selected music is always the 
most relaxing—whether it’s Mozart, 
Yanni or rap metal. .. . It's hard to be- 
lieve, but Posh Spice's au- 

tobiography deal has 
set a record and 
the book won't 
even be in 
stores until the 
fall of 2001 
In other literary news 
Will Smith has a book com- 
ing out this spring based on a 

song he wrote for his son, Just the Tivo 
of Us - The next Black Crowes stu- 
dio album will be out sometime this 
spring. Burt Bacharach is booked in- 
to 22 cities through early May with a 
10-piece band for a career retrospec- 
tive. Expect to hear everything from 
What's New Pussycat? to Walk On By. . . . 
This past fall, the third annual Cypress 
Hill Smoke-Out Festival offered for the 
first time an all-female mosh pit. Ifon- 
ly the promoters at Woodstock had 
thought of that. — BARBARA NELLIS 


METER 


George 


Marsh | Young 


Kasey Chambers 
The Captain 8 


8 8 


Tony lommi 


Lenny Kravitz 
Greatest Hits 


Madonna 


œ |o ja | 


All That 


10 


о IN |с |o jo 


6 8 
5 4 
9 6 
8 6 


sull seems to be an artist in search of 
himself. One gets the feeling that he 
wants to go deeper. Until he pushes his 
writing further, perhaps with the help of 
а collaborator, Kravitz will remain just a 
pop маг. But maybe that's enough 
—NELSON GEORGE 


Paul Репа is a real talent wich guitar 
chops that Bonnie Raitt compares to 
Jimi Hendrix, a fine, funky, limber voice 
and eloquent, loose-limbed songs. But 
New Train (Hybrid), his second album, 
comes out 27 years after it was recorded, 
ata time when he is suffering from a life 
threatening illness. The lapse is as inex- 
plicable as it is unfair. Pena sounds like a 
combination of Curtis Mayfield and Bob 
Seger—bluesy and grave, lonely and lov- 
ing. You know one of his songs, Jet Air- 
liner, because Steve Miller had a hit with 
it. Virtually every song on New Train of- 
fers similar rewards, and if the album 
sounds dated, it isn't any more so than 
such early-Seventies Classics as Talking 
Book and Moondance. Paul Pena deserves 


more than his legend, He deserves to 
be heard and celebrated. —DM 


In operation since 1969, Cuba's Los 
Van Van transforms everything, includ- 
ing the male chorus, into a rhythm in- 
strument. The Best of Los Van Von (Hemi- 
sphere) is the place to acclimate to one of 
the world's strongest grooves. — —kC 


AUTOPILOT 


Someone knows what you want to read 
on your PDA, and it isn't just sports 
scores and stock quotes. Adult-oriented 
contentis a hot download for handhelds. 
New websites such as Palmstories.com 
and SinPalm.com offer everything from 
pictures to personal ads. For steamy sub- 
way reading, Palmstories.com presents 
four erotic tales each weekday (from 
categories such as straight, group and 
gay) and a fice weekly demo story for a 


monthly service fee (about $6). The site 
also features an archive, so you can ас- 
cess your favorite sex story while work- 
ing on your desktop computer. There's 
even a story submission form for aspir- 
ing erotic authors. Slick-looking erotigo. 
com offers Erotiguide, a free city guide 
with a sexy slant. The downloadable ser- 
vice lists bars, clubs, bookstores and res- 
taurants for travelers looking for some- 
thing a little spicier in their evening 
plans. The site also includes Erotifolio, a 
free web-clipping application that will 
download porn pictures (set to your 
preference) directly to any Palm-com- 
patible device. ‘The adult entertainment 
portal SinPalm.com downloads erotic fic- 
tion and even sexier stuff such as pho- 
tos, nudie e-mail greetings (called Sin- 
Cards), sex tips and web links to your 
handheld. The company also plans to 
launch two new services. The first, Sinto 
go.com, helps those on the road locate 
strip clubs, escorts, erotic masseuses and 
other adult services in different cities. 
The second, Pocket Personals, displays 
ads with preview pictures so you can do 
your digital dating on the go. If find- 
ing a partner isn't your problem, down- 
load PalmaSui a scaled-down ve 
of the Kama Sutra available at palmgear. 
com. The freeware cheat sheet includes 
two dozen sexual positions (complete 
with sketches and explanations), such as 


the Amazon, Lotus and Centipede. The 
program uses 38 KB of memory and is 

several languages, including 
English and French —JOELENOS 


[SAME 
OF THE MONTH 


MOVE OVER, MP3 | 


After а four-year flash of popularity, the 
MP3 format may be facing retirement 
New digital music formats such as МОЕ 
(TwinVQ Format), WMA (Windows Me- 
dia Audio) and MP4 now provide small- 
er file sizes and improved sound 
quality. The latest digital au- 
dio format to debut is known 
as Advanced Audio Coding 
Compared with MP3, AAC is su- 
perior in a number of ways, 
including smaller file size (at 
roughly two thirds the size of an 
average MP3 tune), resulting 
faster downloads and the abil 
ty to fit more songs on portable о 
players, hard drives and record- 

able CDs. And the audio per- 

formance is significantly better. 

AAG provides up to 48 channels 

of audio and sampling rates of 

up to 96 kHz. While a number of 

portable MP3 music players are 
beginning to support Micro- 

softs WMA files and RealAudio's elite ER 
G2 format, very few play AACs o dis 

yet. The first is the sleek MEAI10 from : 

"Toshiba, but with a $500 list price, it's a 

costly consideration. — —MARCSALTZMAN 


_ ono E 


Olympus’ new C-211 Zoom is more thon an instant comero— just don't tell your girl- 
friend. Developed jointly by Olympus and Polaroid, the C-211 Zoom 
($800) is the first to combine o built-in photo printer ond o 2.1 
megopixel digital comero. The fusion of the two enobles you to 
instantly make her prints of the noughly photos you took logelh- 
er and keep copies for yourself. The camera is equipped with 
о Зх optical glass zoom and о 2x digitol zoom for get- 
ting in close, os well as а pop-up flash. Up to 40 
images (in TIFF, JPEG and Quicktime formats) con 
be stored on an 8 MB 
SmortMedia card, and 
the two-inch LCD mon- 
itor allows you to scroll 
through your shots 
before deciding which 
ones to print. Full-color 
photos are complete in 
just 15 seconds, ond o 
10-photo pack of Po- 
laroid 500 instant film 
sells for about $10 
And once the memory 
is full, the C-211 con 
connect vio USB to a Mac or РС г 
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WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 162 


playstation.© 


31 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


AUTOMATED AUTO BUYING 


I buy almost everything on the web. Why? One, the prices are 
usually better than in stores. Two, 1 don't have to drive or 
hunt for a parking spot. Three, no waiting in line. And four, 
the product information I get beats the shoulder shrugs and 
the vague bullshit that comes out of the mouths of most store 
clerks (who are next to impossible to find, anyway). When it 
came time to buy a new car for my wife, I decided to use an 
online auto seller. Greenlight.com caught my eye: Its partly 
owned by Amazon.com, which has a well-earned reputation 
for outstanding customer service. Greenlight is also one of the 
few online car sellers that provide instant quotes. (Most auto 
sites make you wait for a dealer to call you on the phone. No 
thanks.) Greenlight was easy to use. I entered the make and 
model of the car m fe wanted (a New Beetle GLX Turbo 
with manual transmission) and my zip code. Greenlight im- 
mediately displayed the price ($21,342, excluding local taxes 
and motor vehicle fees), along with the MSRP ($21,700) and 
dealer invoice price ($20,225). Next, I picked the exterior and 
interior colors. 1 entered a credit card number to pay a $200 
refundable deposit, and within an hour, a cheerful woman 
named Penny called me from Greenlight. She had located the 


ES 


draw during detention. The only part 1 liked was Danny FIF- 
man’s wonderfully goofy soundtrack. For a taste of how great 
Flash animation can be, visit www.dougallencomics.com, 
where you'll be treated to the hilariously intoxicated world 
of Steven, Allen's cartoon of a foul-tempered drunken kid. 
From the opening screen—where you're forced to play a 
crooked game of ball and cups with Steven before proceed- 
ing—you feel like you're visiting the down-and-out burg of 
misanthropic Steven and his mutant animal comrades. 


FILTER FOLLIES 


I have nothing against parents who want to set limits on their 
kids’ web surfing. But the use of web filters isn't the answer, 
because they don't work. More aptly called censorware, these 
ms are designed to prevent users from accessing 


Е ом 


ple enduring human rights violations 


саг 1 wanted in San 
Diego, about 130 
miles from my house 
in Los Angeles. Pen- 
ny explained that 
she would hold my 
hand through the 


of these brain-dead 
digital gatekeepers, 
the Digital Freedom 
Network (dfn.org) 
recently announced 
the ners of its 
first annual censor- 
ware contest. The 
first prize went to а 
student who found he 
couldn't access his 
high school's website 
from a classroom 
computer because 
the filtering software 


buying process, and 
e-mailed me а соп- 
firmation form with the final price (with tax and DMV fees) 
and а contact at the dealership. Two days later, I walked onto 
the lot with a cashier's chec! hand and met the salesman. 
He had the paperwork from Greenlight in his office, and we 
signed it in a matter of minutes. Then he sent me to the “fel- 
low in finance.” This was the only part of the process that felt 
like the old way of buying cars. The guy, who said he was 70 
years old and worked at the dealership. tly “for fun,” tried 
to sell me paint protection and some kind of leather uphol- 
stery treatment for $500. I kept saying no. His best line: "It's 
important to protect your paint job. If you were family, 1 
wouldn't even ask. I'd just add it on.” Lucky for me, we aren't 
related. Alter 1 drove the car home, Penny called to ask how 
everything went. I told her the next time 1 buy а car, it'll be 
through Greenlight. Just keep the finance guy away from me 


FLASH—BOOM OR BANE? 


Shockwave.com undoubtedly paid Tim Burton a lot of mon- 
ey to produce Stainboy. Suckers. Burton's three-minute Flash- 
animated cartoon is a snorefest, and has a sight-gag ending 
32 that reminds me of something а bored seventh grader would 


was set to block 
pages containing the 
word high (which, 
as everyone knows, 
is dangerous drug 
slang). Runners-up 
include a wor 
who couldn't regis- 
ter on Hotmail as hillaryanne because the site's censorware 
blocks anything with Aryan in it. DEN awarded its Silicon Eye 
to Tim M., who tried to register Heather but couldn't because 
the name contains the words “eat her.” 


QUICK HITS 


The chief executive officer of Boeing makes $3 million a year. 
The president of Skechers USA takes home $515,000. The 
chief exec of Philip Morris earns $6 million. Find out how 

hundreds of companies make at eComp 
online.com. Travel back in time by visiting adflip.com, a gal- 
lery of retro print advertisements. 


You can contact Mark Frauenfelder by e-mail at livingonline 


@playboy.com. 


> N o- i бы 


Bloomingdale’s 


traditional classics 


a distinctive set from the 
ETERNITY FOR MEN fragrance collection. 
a $57.00 value is yours for only $46.00 


ETERNITY 


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DIGGING UP THE TRUTH 


The gent with the green thumb in John le Carré latest nov- 
el, The Constant Gardener (Scribner), is Justin Quayle, an Eng- 
lish diplomat who serves in Nairobi. Middle-aged, elegant, 
polite toa fault, Quayle seeming- 

ly pays more attention to his flo- 
rathan to the political climate or 
to the activities of his beautiful 
young wife, Tessa. Even before 
this long, meticulous heart 
break of a novel begins, Tessa 


has been murdered while on a 
northern journey with an АЕ » x 

rican docior, now suspiciously TH 

missing. The home office is 

eager to write off the death as Co N 

the result of a lovers’ quar- STANT 


rel, but Quayle believes it 
has more to do with Tessa’s 
investigation of a new tu- 
berculosis drug being test- 
ed on the country's poor. Ignoring em- 

bassy demands and danger to life and limb, he searches out 
the truth. It's a familiar murder mystery setup, but le Carré is 
less interested in who killed Tessa than in what unchecked 
capitalism and foreign office duplicity have done to Africa. His 
garden, “dangerous, decaying, plundered, bankrupt, once- 
British Kenya,” is so entwined by greed and corruption it 
seems beyond restoration. It's a depressing, unsettling land- 
cape, but, thanks to the author's exquisite style, one that's 
impossible to ignore —DICK LOCHTE 


OBSESSIONS 


The legend of Hunter $. Thompson is far more frightening 
than the reol Hunter S. Thompson. In Fear and Loathing in 
America (Simon ond Schuster), he allows o rore glimpse into 
his personal correspondence. A must-have for diehord 
Thompson fons, this second of three volumes will also Бепе- 
fit those who are fuzzy on the historicol detoils of the years 
between 1968 ond 1976, but would rather leorn from o 
cynicol, grumpy, paronoid, pot-smoking writer thon from o 
stuffy college professor. The letters document everything 
from his bizarre campoign for sheriff of Pitkin County to his 
son's breakfost cereol to his anger at mail-order companies 
thot write misleading cat- 
olog descriptions. No 
other writer can incorpo- 
rate pigfucker so grace- 
fully into o sentence. The 
grumpiest old literory li- 
on, Normon Moiler, is 
the subject of Mailer on 
Mailer, o documentory 

thot recently oired on 
2 P8S. Like Thompson, his 
ions on everything— 
from Vietnom to televi 
sion—ore contrary. But 
Mailer's ore more ele- 
gontly expressed. 

—PATTY LAMBERTI 


LET'S GET IT ON 


Paul Joannides has sold more than 150,000 copies of his self- 
published Guide to Getting № On! The Universe’s Coolest and Most In- 
formative Book About Sex. If there's a more entertaining and 
honest guide to man's favorite topic, we haven't seen it. Joan 
nides and his wife, Toni Johnson, have written a new book, 
Guide to Great Dates, that includes 250 bright ideas for maki 
an impression, along with the resources to make it happen. 
We asked the Playboy Advisor, Chip Rowe, to pull Joannides 
out of bed for his take on dating and sex 

praywoy: How about some ideas to help а guy get a little on 
Valentine's Day? 

JOANNIDES: Most guys try too hard to get laid, as opposed to 
just having 2 great ime. The natural consequence of having a 
time is getting laid. So do something fun. How about 
making beer? It’s a multistep process, so you're guaranteed at 
least three dates. Another favorite is stargazing at an observa- 
tory. Don't do anything that will exhaust your energy for sex. 
PLAYBOY: Did writing Guide to Getting It On! 
and its popularity improve your sex 
life to any degree? 

JOANNIDES: | wrote it as revenge for 
eight years of Catholic school. 1 say 
that as a joke, but it was an exorcism. 1 
learned how limiting it can be if the pe 
nis is at the center of your sexual uni- 
verse. Men have to get away from the 
notion that sex is just sticking it in. I also 
gained an appreciation for how much 
women enjoy sex. I grew up thinking 
they close their eyes and allow it. 
PLAYBOY: You're a psychoanalyst by 
trade. Analyze for us the current 
American view ol sex 

JOANNIDES: If Americans had а 
healthy view of sex, you and I 
would be out of jobs. We haven't 
gotten any more comfortable talk- 
ing about sex with our partners 
than our parents were talking to 
each other about And we sull 
don't talk to our children, even 
about masturbation 

PLAYBO sad a lot of sex man- 
uals before you wrote your own 
What didnt you like about them? 
JOANNIDES: The holier-than-thou 
attitude, the great white doctor 
saying, “I know what normal is." L 
think most sex books are just a re- 
hash of Masters and Johnson, who mapped out sex аз a scien- 
tific formula. But how can a formula explain why one wom- 
an can have an orgasm by having her hair brushed, while an- 
other gets off from having her nipples sucked, while a third 
woman finds it both painful and obnoxious if you suck her 
nipples ог brush her hair? 

pavsov: When you were working on the book, did you en- 
articularly difficult chapter or subject? 

JOANNIDES: The chapter on what's inside a girl was a little 
tough because I had trouble being irreverent 

PLAYBOY: Have you encountered any resistance when market- 
ing your sex guide? 

JOANNIDES: College newspapers and the alternative press have 
reviewed it favorably since the first edition in 1996, but no 
rge publications except PLAYBOY mentioned it until last у 
That's not to say I didn’t hear from the mainstream press. 
Typically an editor would call and say, “We can't review this, 

but would you send an extra copy?" 33 


Gettin | 
Мом 


counter a 


| ME, RR ЗЕ سط ا‎ 


34 


By ASA BABER 


wo WOMEN call me on the phone and ask 
me to come over to their cubicle for a 
minute. We're good friends and we usu 
ally joke around when we talk, but as 1 
approach them, they are engaged in a 
serious conversation. They are standing 
close together, and as I stare at them, 
wondering what they are doing, they ask 
me, in unison, “Which one of us has big- 
ger shoulders?” 

“What?” I laugh. They are in match- 
ing halter tops and cotton skirts, and 
they look like Siamese twins joined at the 
shoulder. 

“Which one of us has bigger shoul 
ders?” they chirp in happy voices. They 
turn around, still pressed together, and 
show me their backs to help me make 
the call, explaining the various points of 
comparison that I should consider be- 
forc I announce the winner of the Big- 
ger Shoulders Award. 

Lam charmed, as usual, by their sm 
and energy, and Lam eager to solve th 
problem, just as Г am always eager to 
solve problems women bring to me, To 
be frank, I consider it an honor whenev- 
er women request my judgment about 
something, and 1 cherish the illusion 
that if 1 help them, they will love me and 
nourish me and praise me and nurture 
me, which is exactly how I want to go 
through life. 

Then it hits me like a sledgehammer: 
I am at great risk in this conversation 
“Ace, you are being conned by these two 
wenches," says a voice inside my head. 
“They are setting a trap for you with 
their question. If you answer it, you v 
be toast. It isa tactic as old as the Garden 
of Eden, and you are about to fall for it.” 

1 feel the cold and clammy claws of 
fear clutching at my little gonads as 1 
reach into my wallet and pull out the 
card I carry with me at all times, and I 
read it aloud: 


MIRANDA FOR MEN 


(1) I have the right to remain silent in 
the face of any and all questions wom- 
en ask me, no matler how innocuous 
those questions may appear to be on the 
surface. (2) I acknowledge that anything 
1 say in response to women's questions 
can and will be used against me in the 
court of female public opinion. (3) 1 
have the right to make one phone call to 
an atlorney or any other legal counselor 
1 might choose, who will advise me as to 
which questions can be safely answered 
and which ones must be avoided if I am 
10 survive this encounter with my repu- 
tation intact. (4) I recognize that, as а 
member of the male sex, I can т no 
way—al any lime, in any place or in 
any mental condition—keep up with the 


MIRANDA 
FOR MEN 


mixed signals, chat rate, tangled moti- 
vations, complex strategies or deceptive 
word choices of females of the species. (5) 
Finally, I accept the fact that if I am so 
foolish as to answer questions after read- 
ing this Miranda warning and listening 
to my legal advisor, the odds are that 1 
will say something I will regret. In other 
words, from this moment on, 1 proceed т 
this venture al my own hazard and risk. 


1 begin to walk away, but my two 
friends run after me. “What's with the 
card, Ace?" they ask. 

It's my Miranda for Men card," I an- 
swer. "Every man should have a copy in 
pocket, because he never knows when 
he might need it. Now, excuse me, be- 
cause I have to call my lawyer." 

“Just tell us who has bigger shoulders, 
for God's sake!” 

“There's no way I'm going to answer 
that one. 

“Why not? It’s a simple question.” 

“There are no simple questions. 
You're setting me up for a fall. No mat- 
ter how I answer, I will inevitably in- 
sult at least one of you. ‘Who has bigger 
shoulders? How can I know which one 
of you really wants to win that title? And 
what happens if I name the wrong per- 
son? You're putting me т а no-win situ- 
ation, and you love it.” 

To their credit, they begin to 
“Maybe you're right. Yo 
want to tell us, though 

“Hey, I'm just trying to stay alive,” I 
say. “So sayonara for now. 

With luck and pluck and my trusty Mi 
randa card, I survived that dangerous 
moment, but I know there will be more 
like it in the future, as there will for most 
guys reading this column. That being 


igh 
€ you don't 


the case, let me give you three examples 
of other questions women will ask that 
you should never answer: 

“Do these jeans make me look fat?” The 
dull-witted among you probably think 
you should simply say no to this inter- 
rogatory, but it is not that simple. Obvi- 
ously, if you say, “Yes, you look fat in 
those jeans,” you become roadkill on the 
highway of life. But if you say no, you 
still open up the question of weight in 
general, which is an issue more deadly to 
your health in male-female discussions 
than an anthrax attack. Therefore, when 
your opinion is being sought about 
clothes and how they fit, always mumble 
something in a foreign language and 
change the subject immediately. 

“Do you find that woman attractive?” 
Once again, either an affirmative or a 
negative response will get your clock 
cleaned. Maybe you're at a party or 
walking down the street. As per usual, 
your eyes are sweeping the territory on 
their customary poontang hunt. Tall, 
small, you fall for them all and life is a 
feast—but this is something you cannot 
admit to the woman at your side. So 
when you are asked about it, the saf- 
est response is simple: Stop whatever 
you are doing, bend over and make hor- 
rendous retching noises. (We're talking 
vomitorium-level sounds, my friends, 
Puke City times 10). She will be distract 
ed by your plight, and the question will 
be forgotten, at least temporarily. 

“Have you heard any good jokes lately?” 
Did you cringe as you read that suppos- 
edly innocent question? If a guy asked, 
you'd have no fear. But a woman? Sure, 
some women love all kinds of humor 
and they are a joy to behold. But let's 
face it: The greatest secret of male expe- 
rience is that many women seem humor 
challenged—at least they do when they're 
around men. It starts in grade school 
and lasts a lifetime: the chick who t 
into a prude whenever humor threatens. 
So should you choose to launch into yet 
another version of “There once was a 
girl from Nantucket,” or should you 
share the latest one about the donkey 
and the nun, your ass could be grass 
The best policy? Turn the question 
around. Ask her if she’s heard any good 
jokes lately. If her eyes brighten and her 
hands quiver as she launches into a rib- 
ald tale about a hooker, a one-legged 
lesbian and the Bangkok basket trick, 
and if she uses colorful language that 
could make a long-haul trucker blush— 
marry the broad. Others your 
Miranda for Men card when she's not 
looking, because you're going to need it 
soon. Guaranteed. 


" 


BY WILL LEE 


ITS QUARTER to 12 on Friday night, and 
you've handled your evening with the 
lissome brunette with the precision of a 
surgeon. She loved the Australian char- 
donnay you picked, she let you carry her 
piggyback across that deceptively shal- 
low puddle and she even cackled at your 
joke about Brooklyn and pantyhose. 
What's more, you've finally waltzed her 
with the grace of Fred Astaire from your 
couch to your bed. Now, only a flimsy t 
angle of silk and Lycra keeps you at bay. 
Allit takes, in the basest physical sense, is 
a quick tug and a smooth pull down her 
legs, and milk and honey are yours. 

Rarely is there so much to gain or lose 
by making the merest misstep. With cl 
ing the deal in mind, here is an empirical 
guide to ensure that her thong—and not 
your rejected ass—ends up on the bed- 
roum floor. 


THE 


EDGES 

Leigh, 34; “My favorite foreplay-to- 
sex move is when a guy runs his fingers 
under the entire length of my pantyline. 
1 like to direct him, starting below my 
belly button and moving him toward one 
hip, then the other hip, then around the 
back. The best part is leading him from 
my tailbone and down the back of a 
thong, between my legs and then up the 
front again. | think it drives him as crazy 
as it does me.” 


TARE IT EASY, COWBOY 


Jill, 30: “The worst, which seems to 
have happened to me a few too many 
times, is when I'm feeling safe and cer- 
tain that I want to have sex. The minute 
I take my skirt or pants off, the guy im- 
mediately reaches for his wallet or goes 
running to the bathroom for condoms. 
Once I was going for this guy's boxers 
and he leaps up, runs to the stereo and 
goes rifling through his CD collection. 
He said he just had to find Sister Chris- 
tian. He put it on, then disappeared in- 
to the bathroom for, like, five minutes. 
He came out with just a condom on, 


Night Ranger and giggling. I w 
pletely not in the mood and ended up 
leaving.” 


KNOW THE PRICE OF SHOCK VAL 


Е 

Dan, 29: “There was this one ridicu- 
lously good-looking girl I dated who had 
some kind о! 
be she had a 
prevented һе 
panties 
stoking her guilt in a hundred diffe 
ways, pleading, begging, but if my hi 
got within three inches of her panties 
she'd leap like a jackrabbit. One horny 
night I'm dry-humping her and just 
aching for it. So I roll off her, take my 
boxers off and ask her, ‘Honey, have you 
ever watched a grown man masturbate?” 
just told her a 
few decades with a Thighmaster would 


ntal chastity belt that 
om taking her damn 
off. 1 tried cajoling her, cleverly 


make her fit for public vie 
to beat off, mad as hell. Thirty seconds 
later, in some kind of weird vengeful 
trance, she’s riding my cock with the 
most unreal energy. Of course, I never 
talked to her again.” 

Deanna, 30: “I tell men to rip my 
panties off, and not just some meck tear- 
ing-the-strap shit. I've been into it ev- 
er since this one guy took the back of 
my thong in his fist and with one clean 
powerful jerk snapped it off—I loved 
his strength, and the balls it took to just 
do it. Yeah, I'm basically asking for a 
wedgie, but I'm so ready to fuck after a 
guy does that.” 


ig. Sol start 


RISE TO THE Ci 


LLENGE 


Lauren, 29: "Every girl loves it when 
a guy gets hard in her hand. Making a 
man's cock go from a soft, mushy mass to 
this thick, stiff, pulsing thing is the great- 
est feeling for me, especially when I do it 
through his pants. UII let his cock chill 
ош for a few minutes, then start stroking 
it with my fingertips and my nails, then 
wrap my hand all the way around and 

art pumping away. When I begin to 
throb, my other hand is already 
taking my panties off” 


THE IRON CHEF 


26: “Every time I have a third 
ite the girl over to my place 
and make her what my friends now call 
Chicken Take-Her-Pants-Off. It's basical- 
ly chicken marsala with rice. Saffron rice. 
asn't failed yet, and, по, I'm not quite 
ready to reveal my secret ingredient." 


MAS 


Alexandra, 25: “1 was playing War one 
night in college with a close guy friend of 
mine and after a while we started ti 
ling whoever lost. That turned into a 
tle innocent kissing and pawing, and 
that's all I thought—what 1 think we 
both thought—was going to happen. He 
gave these amazing back massages, so 1 
asked him to give me one before 1 went 
to bed. But the difference this time— 
what got me so hot—was his hand-mas- 
sage technique. He would rub one fin- 
ger from top to bottom, then stroke my 
palm, then another finge By 
the time he was done with that I was al 
ready quivering. But then he lifted my 
top really slowly and reached under and 
rubbed my nipples really softly for about 
five seconds. 1 could feel his hard-on 
through his sweatpants. Well, I just 
couldn't take it anymore, so 1 turned 
over, unbuttoned my jeans and begged 
him to get inside me. 


АСЕ MER 


SIMULATE THE EXPERIENCE 


Anne, 26 
date and I was 


We were on the second 


(continued on page 162) 


35 


i 


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hey...10°S personal 


Who'd have thought a Volvo would be one of the socko machines at the Paris Motor Show 2000? 

Pictured above is the company's four-wheel-drive Performance Concept Car which provides a hint 
at what Volvo might put on the pavement somewhere down the line. Under its Laser Blue skin is а 
powerful five-cylinder, 300-horsepower engine coupled to a six-speed gearbox. Push buttons give 
you a choice of three suspension modes (comfort, sport and advanced sport), and a sophisticated 

microprocessor “reads” the road to maximize driver control. The interior features polished leather 

seats and an instrument panel surrounded by Nubuck suede trim. How Swede it is. 


Best Seats in the House Try a Drop 0' This, Laddie 


A big-screen HDTV and speakers galore don't make for a total audia- The marketing slogan "а most peculiar gin” doesn't begin 
video experience. To complete the picture, you need the kind of com- to describe Hendrick's, an 88-proof small-batch liquor from 
fortable seating found in luxury theaters. Below is Leather Center's Scatland thet is infused with coriander, juniper, citrus peel, 
Woshington, a recliner far two with досі drink holders. Price: $4436 rose petals and cucumber (the taste of the roses and the cu- 
Other models in the company’s hame theater line range from a single cumber is pronounced). While hoving a glass, go to а pecu- 
chair ($1750) to а triple-seater in top-groin leather with power seats liar website, cucumbergin.com, and watch prancing cucum- 


(about $15,000). The Washington and other seating systems aren't bers leap inta а battle of Hendrick’s. Price: about $28. 
available at Leather Center retail stares. Custom entertainment-center 
installers and select audio-video dealers sell the chairs. 


2 


Wok Like a Man 


If you like Chinese foad but ore daunted by the pros- 
pect af caaking it at hame, Everyday Chinese Cooking 
by restaurateur Leeann Chin ond Katie Chin (Clarkson 
Potter) is a baok you'll appreciate. Its premise is that 
you дог! have to be distracted by exotic ingredients, 
special equipment or o substantial commitment of time. 
The Chins pravide more than 150 easy recipes along 
with serving suggestions and ingredient substitutions 
that reinforce the nation that Chinese cooking can be 
healthful, simple and stressless. Their stir-fried Asion 
eggplant ond salmon with tofu (above) prove the point. 


MOUTH WITH. 


YOUR MOUTH 


Clothesline: 
David Boreanaz and 
J. August Richards 


Dovid Boreanaz (left), who plays a gaad- 
guy vompire оп the TV series Angel, says 
he likes suits by Armani, Valentino, Hugo 
Boss and especially Helmut Lang, "be- 
cause his styles are modern and edgy and 
have а great cut that fits me well." New 
York, Dublin ond Chicago are Borean- 

az’ fovarite 
cities in which to shap and hang out. His 
favorite item of apparel? “A scarf from my 
sister Bo because of its persanol value.” 

J. August Richards (right), who plays a 
streetwise renegade vampire hunter on the 
show, says his persanal style is two ports 
designer and опе part thrift shop. "Mix 
vintage with designer and an ensemble 
looks expensive but is also personal ond 
fresh.” Richords loves to wear both Donna 
Karan and Dolce and Gabbana suits but 
says, “| put my awn stamp an them with a 
flashy shirt and funky-oss shoes. If your 
stylist dresses you, it’s not you." 


The return of Vespa. The icon of Italian style that whisked Au- 
drey Hepburn down cobblestone streets in Roman Haliday is 
back in the States after a 15-year hiatus. Two models are avail- 
able: the 2000 ET2 ($2950) and the ET4 ($3950) shown here. 
The latter feotures a four-stroke, 150cc engine that will get the 
little bugger up to 70 mph. The instrument pad (inset) has a 
wonderful retro look. € “Smart” tennis racquets. Although we 
haven't hit with one yet, Head's new Intelligence Racquets 
sound like a technological marvel, Embedded in the throat of 
each racquet is a breakthrough material called Intellifiber, 
which converts mechanical energy into an electrical response 
that automatically stiffens the racquet ond virtually eliminates 
vibration. Two models ore available, priced ot $325 and $360. 
* Argentine wines. Some are rough as a gaucho's beard, 

but nat Terrazas de Los Andes 1999 alto cabernet sauvignon, 
chardannay and malbec vintages. All are а steal at $10 each. 


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SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Cigar 
Smoking Can Cause Cancers Of The Mouth 
And Throat, Even If You Do Not Inhale. 


. 2 
IT JUST DOESN'T GET ANY SWEETER THAN THIS. 


WWW.SWISHER.COM у 


Ше Playboy Advisor 


Last summer my shy music-teacher wile 
shed every extra pound and got a boob 
job. Yet she still didn't feel confident 
about how she looked. I suggested that 
she submit her photos to PLAYBOY, but 
she had another idea. A fi 
planned to visit us for the weekend. She 
asked what I would think if at some time 
during my friend's stay, she allowed him 
to see her nude. I said 1 had no problem 
with this; the idea turned me on. | fig- 
ured his reaction would give her con- 
fidence a boost. When | brought my 
friend home from the airport, my wife 
was in the pool in a teeny, nearly trans- 
parent bikini I hadn't known about 
My friend, who hadn't seen her in three 
ycars, appeared to be in shock. The 
show continued the next day when she 
allowed him to catch glimpses of her 
naked breasts as she sunbathed. That 
night we all climbed into the hot tub and 
soon began talking about my wife's new 
body. There didn't seem to be any prob- 
lems with her modesty: She scooted up 
on the edge of the hot tub and removed 
her bikini top. She and I began to make 
out and invited my friend to join in. 
The three of us wound up on the living 
room floor. My wife had never allowed 
me to come in her mouth but now swal- 
lowed from both of us. Later she asked 
to be "double fucked" with me in her 
vagina and my friend in her ass. She 
kept screaming, “Fuck me!” I was blown 
away; I had never seen this side of her. 
The next morning she asked И she could 
take my friend to catch his plane home 
She returned horny as hell and we had a 
fantastic day of sex. She later told me she 
had given my friend “the blow job of his 
life” in the airport parking lot. This may 
sound stupid, but I'm wondering if 1 
should feel jealous. Also, my wife was vo- 
cal and frantic during our threesome. 1 
want that every night, but it hasn't hap- 
pened since. She says the situation was a 
total loss of control on her part, and that 
she would be embarrassed otherwise 
How can I unleash the wild woman 
again?—R.[T., Seattle, Washington 
You're overlooking the larger problem: 
How ат you going to keep her? 1] you listen 
closely, you'll hear what she's saying: “Um 
the new me, but you're the old you.” She lost 
weight, felt the stares of other men and real- 
ized how bored she had become. That puts 
you at a disadvantage, but the situation is 
not hopeless. First, recognize that you could 
tell her 50 times a day that she’s irresistible 
and it wouldn't have the same effect as one 
stranger winking at her: She's ready lo ex- 
plore, and standard sex from hubby isn't go- 
ing to hack it, especially as her confidence 
grows. You have to show her it’s worthwhile 
to stick around. Get wild yourself: Introduce 


iend of mine 


Jun sex toys, blindfold her, eat dessert off her 
body, massage her, make lave to her on the 
hood of the car. Love her like she’s not yours. 
If you don't, your wife may again blow an- 
other guy al the airport—then get on the 
plane with him. 


Û cut my face during a game of roller 
hockey. A teammate said 1 could finish 
the game because 1 had 24 hours to get 
the cut stitched. Any truth to Ша — 
LM., Buffalo, New York 

None. You don't need to rush to the hospi- 
tal in a panic, but you should get medical at- 
tention as soon as possible. Each passing 
hour increases the risk of infection and scar- 
ring. Dr. Stephen Rice, director of the Jersey 
Shore Sports Medicine Center in Neptune, 
New Jersey, recommends staying in the game 
only if you can clean the wound, bring its 
ends together and stop the bleeding. That's 
important because you may unknowingly 
carry hepatitis ог another blood-borne dis- 
ease, which would put others at risk. We 
have another suggestion: a helmet with a 
cage guard. 


My boyfriend kept pushing me to try 
anal sex. 1 finally gave in and it was more 
nful than giving birth. I started to 
scream, but he wouldn't stop. When he 
finally did, he told me I wasn't exper- 
imental enough, and that that made 
me much less sexy to him. He said if 1 
wouldn't do it he would move on to 
someone who would. What should I do? 
Try again? My girlfriends tell me it isnt 
that bad.— R.T., Brooklyn, New York 
Your girlfriends aren't dating morons. Tell 
your boyfriend to move on. Then find a lover 
who knows the difference between an experi- 
ит are 
IUUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANAL 


ment and an assault. If you haven't been 
turned off completely to anal sex, work your 
way up lo full penetration with lots of lubri- 
cation and smaller objects like fingers and 
butt plugs. 


What's the best way to get rid of the 
runner in a cigar?—PR., Philadelphia, 
Pennsylvania 

When а cigar burns faster on one side 
than the other, it’s generally a lost cause. 
Tunneling occurs because of poor fermenta- 
tion of the leaf, a natural flaw in the cigar or 
improper rolling. You can try to recut above 
the run, but a cigar that has already been lit 
never lastes as good the second time around. 


Thad my nipples pierced last year and 
now would like to get my penis done. 
Гуе settled on a Prince Albert, which, as 
you know, is a ring that enters the open- 
ing of the urethra and exits in the center 
of the V formed by the glans on the un- 
derside of the penis. I figure I can't go 
wrong with a permanent G spot tickler 
and added stimulation for the most sen- 
sitive part of my cock. Is there anything 
I should know before I have it done? Al- 
so, where did the Prince Albert get its 
name?—TR., Reno, Nevada 

Having someone punch a hole through 
your penis lakes a special sort of faith. Read- 
ers tell us that besides the physical sensa- 
tions, the best thing about having your penis 
pierced is walking around knowing you have 
« pierced penis. The Prince Albert is the most 
common penile piercing, and should be the 
least painful. You'll bleed for anywhere from 
one to four days, particularly al night when 
you have involuntary erections, It takes 
about eight weeks for the wound to heal and 
as long as 10 months before you can remove 
the jewelry. You can attempt. intercourse af- 
ter the first few weeks, but proceed cautious- 
ly and keep everything sparkly clean (even 
healed piercings can create tiny tears in the 
skin that allow STDs a foothold). Use plenty 
of lube on the inside and outside of a condom 
with an extraroomy head to cover the jewel- 
13. Oral sex presents its own challenges: Pe- 
nis jewelry has been known to chip teeth. So 
don't rush her. The PA can stimulate the G 
spot during doggy style, but if she prefers 
other positions you might consider an apa- 
dravya, or vertical bar through the glans 
Some men also pierce their frenums, coronas 
and/or serotums, One step at a time. 

As Jor the origin of the Prince Albert, the 
legend owes much to Doug Malloy, a modern 
primitive who in the Seventies attempted to 
romanticize body art by giving it a colorful 
history. Malloy claimed that an English 
fashion maven pioneered the piercing dur- 
ing the early 19th century to allow gentle- 
men to strap their penises against their legs 


41 


РЕАУВОУ 


42 


and avoid an unsightly bulge. А generation 
later, Prince Alber! supposedly had it done to 
keep his foreskin retracted and his penis 
“sweet smelling” [or Queen Victoria. The on- 
ly piercings that have verifiable histories are 
the apadravya (mentioned in the Kama Su- 
tra) and the ampallang (a horizontal bar 
that gol ils start in Borneo). 


1 found myself in an uncomfortable situ- 
ation on a business trip to Los Angeles 
When the limo driver dropped me at the 
airport, I realized I had only two sin- 
gles. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I 
have offered him the two bucks with an 
Instead, I shook his hand and 


Л, Chicago, Illinois 

If you find yourself short of cash, apolo- 
gize and ask for his card. Then send a thank- 
You note with a tip. Copy his boss. That way 
you're a schmuck only if you don't follow 
through 


My wife and I are swingers. We want to 
have a child, but I'm concerned. Is there 
a time frame during which a fertilized 
egg would be in danger from another 
man's sperm in the event that a condom 
broke?—R.T., Orlando, Florida 

Once the egg is fertilized, there's no risk of 
anyone el becoming the father, If a con- 
dom breaks before your wife is pregnant, 
things could get interesting. In his book 
Sperm Wars, evolutionary biologist Robin 
ker describes what happe when two (or 
more) men ejaculate in a fertile woman over 
а short period of time. Over the course of 
days, the armies of sperm batile for control of 
the path to her womb. Of the 300 million 
sperm unleashed by the average ejaculation, 
99.8 percent are killers or blockers designed 
to assist an elite team of fertilizer sperm. The 
blockers keep stragglers from reaching the 
egg; Ihe killers poison any sperm produced by 
another guy. The battle rages even if the 
armies arrive days apart, although by then 
most of the first guy's troops have died or 
weakened enough that it's a lopsided battle, 
Unfortunately, the good guys don't always 
win. Studies indicate that, because of sperm 
wars and/or deception, 10 percent of chil- 
dren born worldwide are nol sired by the men 
who believe they're the father—and that 
some additional percentage are canceived 
this way but miscarried or aborted. Once in 
а while there's a draw: By one estimate, al 
least one of every 400 sets of fraternal twins 
have different fathers. 


My girlfriend is five feet tall and I'm 
63", so it makes it difficult to 69, though 
we'd like to be able to do it. Do you have 
stions as to how we could pull 

, Baltimore, Maryland 
We take il she's nol interested. or you 
wouldn't have written. Most couples of dis- 
parate height find that, with minor adjust- 
ments, every position works. Thats because, 
as a 5'4" lover once told the 65" Advisor, 
“We're all the same size in bed.” (She proved 


her point admirably.) Ralph Keyes conclud- 
ed the same after interviewing hundreds of 
tall and short Americans for his book The 
Height of Your Life. “As is apparent in any 
room full of seated bodies, height variation 
above the hips isn’t nearly as great as that 
below.” Keyes noted. “With rare exceptions, 
the only real difference in sex between cou- 
ples whose height isn't matched and those 
whose is is that their loes don't louch when 
they make love hing down.” 


Recently I talked my father out of two 
bottles of Crown Royal distilled in 1957. 
Do these bottles have any value that 
should give me pause before I crack one 
open for a special occasion?—G.M., Lynn- 
wood, Washington 


produced, even Crown 
Royal bottled nearly 50 years ago has mostly 
sentimental value. John Hansell of Malt Ad- 
vocate Magazine (whiskeypages.com) sug- 
you sip it with your father while toast- 
ing his generosity. Rather than blended 
Canadian whiskeys, collectars search almost 
exclusively for single-malt scotch produced 
in limited quantilies by respected distilleries 
(blended whiskeys generally need to be at 
least 80 years old to get a second look). A 
bottle of vintage Macallan from 1938, 1940 
or 1950, for example, can be worth $1000. 
Both Hausell and David Wainwright, who 
appraises whiskeys for Christie's, mentioned 
an elusive single-malt scotch produced by the 
now-defunct Ladyburn distillery. Hansell 
bought a bolile Jor $23 at a Manhattan wine- 
shop in the Eighties that he sold last year for 
$2000; a Christie's client from Scotland won 
hers in a raffle. Another client purchased a 
bottle at a shop in Spain, asked Wainwright 
what it might be worth, then flew back to buy 
the seven others. 


Ever since I was a child, I have fixated 
оп women in cars that won't start. | sup- 
pose you could call this a fetish, because 
it gets me incredibly turned on. Have 
you ever heard of such a thing?—A.K., 


Can't say we have, but nothing surprises 
us anymore. One way to discover if you're 
unique is to create a website devoted lo your 
interest, gel il listed al Yahoo, aud wait for 
the e-mail that begins, “I thought I was the 
only оне... En the meantime, we don't rec- 
ommend that you work as a mechanic. 


My girlfriend loves oral sex. The prob- 
lem is that she won't stop, even alter | 
come. I usually have to make up an ex- 
сизе to get her to quit (my aching back, 
my leg is asleep, etc.). Do you have any 
suggestions to bring the festivities to а 
close without hurting her feelings or ly- 
ing about it? Things get painful after a 
while —G.H., Baltimore, Maryland 

One of life's exquisite pleasures is a wom- 
an who extends one blow job into two or 
three. She watches her man come and hears 
а starter's pistol. If it hurts, tell your girl- 
friend to slow down. She needs to know that 


your penis is extrasensitive following ejacu- 
lation, which should make sense, since she's 
just as sensitive following her own orgasms. 
If you want a woman to stop sucking your 
penis (egad—did we just write that?), gi 
her something else to do. Tell her, “Em so 
turned on; let's make love," or “Your turn,” 
or "Come up here and kiss me." In the mean- 
time, remember: A few haunted souls can't 
get blown even once, and right now they hate 
your guts, 


As a man in his mid-70s, Im troubled 
when I read that we “older” people pre- 
sumably have reduced sex lives. Grow- 
ing older has its advantages. In our 
mid-50s, my wife and I went from hav- 
ing sex three weeks out of the month to 
four weeks—no more blackout periods. 
When all the kids had moved out, my 
wife and 1 had complete control of the 
house for any and all activities 24 hours 
a day. Iwo years ago I agreed to my 
wife’s suggestion that every night was 
a bit of a strain. So we do it every oth- 
er night, with the exception of special 
events such as Father's Day. You may 
wonder what keeps our interest so high. 
Good health, good diet, viramins and 
hot fantasies. Adult movies also help. So 
never assume that us older types aren't 
enjoying sex to the fullest.—R.H., Litch- 
field, Connecticut 

Who's assuming: 


ig? The Advisor ofteu hears 
from readers of an advanced age (i.e., older 
than us), aud they seem to know what they're 
doing. In one survey of singles over 70, two 
thirds reported being sexually active. In au- 
other study of healthy 80- to 102-year-olds, 
half said sex was at least as interesting and 
important lo them ау when they were youn- 
ger. You'll enjoy а new anthology edited by 
Joani Blank called Still Doing It: Women 
and Men Over 60 Write About Their Sexu- 
ality. While sex later in life may nol be as fre- 
quent or intense, Blank's contributors shaw 
that it’s often more lender, satisfying and 
kinky. Many people come to realize, usually 
by necessity, that sex can occur even when a 
penis doesnt get hard, a vagina doesn't get 
wel, and no one reaches climax. Speaking of 
aging, we were startled by the litle of anath- 
Great 


er book that recently crossed our des 
Sex After 40. Is it that time already? 


АЙ reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, slamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Share Drive, Chicago, Hlinois 60611, or 
send e-mail via playboyadvisor.com, which 
includes a database of past columns. The 
Advisor's latest collection of sex tricks, 365 
Ways lo Improve Your Sex Life, is available 
in bookstores or by phoning 800-423-9494. 


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THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


INDECENT LEISURE 


should a sexy website be grounds for dismissal? 


erbert and Tammy Robinson of 

Polk County, Florida thought 
they'd found the perfect way to earn 
extra money. In 1997 they started 
charging adults $30 a year to access 
naked photos of Tammy on becka 
lynn.com. 

In January 1999 they received an 
anonymous e-mail from someone 
who threatened to make the couple 
watch as he raped and killed their 
children. The Robinsons immediate- 
ly telephoned the FBI and the Polk 
County Sheriff's office. When Depu- 
ty Charles Gates Jr. arrived at their 
home, he downloaded 60 photos of 
Tammy from the couple's com- 
puter. Instead of investigating 
the e-mail threat, Gates showed 
10 of the images to a judge, who 
decided they violated local stan- 
dards of decency. 

The police seized Tammy and 
Herbert's computer, their chil- 
dren's computers, sex toys, por 
nos, all of Tammy's clothing, 
family vacation videos and even 
a video of their daughter's birth. 

One day after the couple post- 
ed bail, Herbert Robinson was 
fired from his job at Publix, a su- 
permarket, where he'd worked in 
the stockroom for years. 

George and Tracy Miller, a mar- 
ried couple, worked as critical- 
care nurses at Scottsdale Health- 
Care Osborn, an Arizona hospital 
During their spare time the cou- 
ple operated a sexually explicit web- 
site which charged 22,000 members 
$14.95 a month to watch them have 
sex. The site also included photo- 
graphs of Tracy Miller, a.k.a. Dakota 
Rae, posing seductively т a nurse's 
uniform. 

By June 1999 word of the website 
had spread throughout the hospital. 
(About 150 of the Millers’ co-workers 
subscribed to the site in one month 
alone.) In July, Scousdale HealthCare 
Osborn told the Millers that because 
of the website, they were not to come 
to work until further notice. A hos- 
pital spokesperson warned that the 
Millers could be disciplined for en- 
gaging in “immoral or indecent con- 
duct while on or off duty” 

In August the Millers were fired. 
Administrators claimed the Millers 


were terminated not because of the 
website but because they tried to re- 
cruit co-workers to appear on the site, 
which they allege created “a hostile or 
offensive working environment.” 
The Millers denied that they ever 
asked co-workers to disrobe for the 
camera. Their attorney, Lawrence 
Walters, who also represents the Rob- 
insons, says that the employees who 
supposedly accused the Millers of 
sexual harassment were never identi- 
fied. He contends that the hospital 
used ¡ts sexual harassment policy as a 
smoke screen to make a moral judg- 
menton the couple's private life. Last 


year the Equal Employment Oppor- 
tunity Commission ruled that the Mil- 
lers could sue the hospital for wrong- 
ful termination. 

In 1998 Wendy Gesellschap, a 
counselor for children with behav- 
ioral problems, stumbled upon her 
husband surfing through porn sites. 
Hoping to fulfill his fantasies, she 
posted naked photos of herself on 
bettysbabes.com. A year later, she was 
called into her supervisor's office at 
the Community Intervention and Re- 
search Center in Panama City, Flori- 
da. Her supervisor held a naked pho- 
to of Gesellschap, which someone at 
the research center had downloaded 


By PATTY LAMBERTI 


off the web. Gesellschap was immedi- 
ately fired. 

Kurt Mingledorff is an optometrist 
in Pensacola, Florida. During his 
leisure time, he operates sexyoffice. 
com, a site where women, in various 
states of undress, act out a range of 
fantasies. The women are not patients 
or employees of Mingledoríf 's op- 
tometry business. Instead, they are 
models whom Mingledorff pays to 
pose in his office after it has closed for 
the day. 

Local law enforcement officials 
found nothing illegal about the web- 
site or Mingledorfi `$ conduct. But af- 

ter reading an article in the 

Pensacola News Journal about 
the website, Vision Service 
Plan, an eye-care insurance 
company, terminated his 
contract. According to Terry 
Daugherty, director of VSP's 
provider networks, Mingle- 
ЧогН`5 website was "inconsis- 
tent with VSP's standard of 
professionalism.” 

No patient or employee ev- 
er filed a complaint against 
him, he never mentioned his 
website to clients and he never 
asked his patients or employ- 
ees to model. 

During the late Eighties, in 
an effort to curb rising health 
care costs, companies began 
spying on their employees, fir- 
ing those who smoked ci 

rettes during their leisure time. While 
smokers are now protected from ter- 
mination in 30 states, it is legal for 
private companies to fire employees 
for almost any other reason, includ- 
ing an employee's after-hours online 
activities, 

Government employees are spared 
similar indignities. In 1998, a school 
board administrator in the Midwest 
started an amateur nude modeling 
site. When county officials discovered 
her hobby, they issued an ultima- 
tum—dismantle the site or lose her 
job. Her lawyer sent a letter remind- 
ing the county that the First Amend- 
ment protects government workers 
from this sort of threat. The officials 
immediately backed down. It's too 
bad that all American citizens don't 
enjoy that same benefit. 


45 


THE MAN WHO READ PLAYBOY 


L ast fall, using the Freedom of In- 
formation Act, the Internet site 
APBnews.com secured 213 pages 
of FBI documents related to PLAYBOY. 
It appears that the magazine was the 
object of more than a decade of scruti- 
ny by the nation's top G-men. 

In December 1962, publisher Hugh 
M. Hefner had undertaken a project 
he called the Playboy Philosophy. In 
the third installment, Hef criticized J 
Edgar Hoover's stance on pornogra- 
phy, charging that the FBI director 
Ч ап antismut crusade to cover up 
his agency's failure in the fight against 
organized crime. Apparently Hoover 
was more concerned with morals than 
with mafiosi. 

Shown the article by an assistant, 
Hoover sent a note: "What do we know 
of H.M. Hefner?" The hunt was on 

The task of monitoring PLAYBOY fell 
to an agent named Milton Jones. Jones 
regularly sent a summary of the maga- 
e's content to his supervisor, Cartha 
Deke” DeLoach. Contacted by APB- 
news, DeLoach recalled that Jones 
was a church deacon, “a somber, str: 
laced individual who had the same 
thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner 
every day of his lif 

Jones took the assignment just as 
Hefner began publishing the Playboy 
Philosophy, his attempt to spell out the 
magazine's guiding principles and edi- 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


torial credo. In one of his first reports, 
Jones notes that the February 1963 ar- 
ticle was the “third part of a series of 
four articles.” Had he only known. The 
Philosophy would eventually expand 
to 25 installments. 

The March 1963 issue almost made a 
convert of Jones. 

“Hefner's editorial comments begin 
on page 55 and in general deal with the 
Puritanism attitude, which he claims 
exists in America today,” Jones report- 
ed. “Hefner classifies this attitude as 
‘stultifying to the mind of man as com- 
munism, or any totalitarian concept. 
Hefner skillfully weaves historical occa- 
sions with regard to the rights of man 
into the article while attempting to 
prove his basic claim that security and 
conformity stifle the initiative of this 
country. He sets forth his belief that 
our nation’s founders established the 
U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights to 
ensure not only the freedom of religion 
but also freedom from religion.” 

Jones notes that there is no mention 
of the FBI in Hef's editorial, though 
the cartoon strip Little Annie Fanny car- 
icatured Senator Barry Goldwater of 
Arizona. He warns his supervisor that 
because of the positive reader response 
to the Playboy Philosophy, Heiner ex- 
pects to continue his editorial for sever- 


. edgar hoover's secret obsession 


al more issues to permit a fuller explo 
tion of "Puriranism's effect оп sexu- 
al behavior, censorship, birth control, 
abortion and rrAYBOY's sometimes m 
understood attitude toward women. 

In May 1963, Hefner targeted the 
threat of creeping censorship: "Sexual 
freedom," he wrote, "only grows natu- 
rally in a free society. Totalitarianism is 
more apt to beget sexual exploitation, 
prostitution and perversion.” 

Hefner quoted two articles written 
by Hoover (Let's Wipe Out the Schoolyard 
Sex Racket and The Fight Against Filth) 
that had been widely reprinted in the 
mass media. Jones whined that Hefner 
had taken the director's statements out 
of context. 

From that moment on, Jones’ re- 
views of PLAYBOY took on the flavor of 
an enemies list. Forget skillful weavi 
Jones now reviewed the “rabid ram- 
blings of Hefner.” Perhaps we were na- 
simply irreverent, But at the 
same time Jones was dissing the maga- 
zine, PLAYBOY'S editors courted his boss. 
The magazine offered ]. Edgar Hoo- 
ver a VIP key to the recently opened 
Playboy clubs, but explained he would 
have to pay cash. The director ignored 
the offer, as he did invitations to re- 
spond in print to articles on sex and 
censorship 

Several of Agent Jones’ memoran- 
dums detail Hefner's 1963 arrest for 


MEN. WE'VE GOT TO FINO OR. NEUTRINO BEFORE HE'S 


WHISKED OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BUT WHILE WERE LOOKING, 

WE MUST MAINTAIN THE IMMACULATE IMAGE THE FBI 

HAS MAINTAINEO THROUGH THE YEARS -- CLEAN MEN WITH CLEAN 

ANO STAY AWAY FROM THE GAMING 

TABLES. THEY'RE DESTROYING THE MORAL FIBER OF THE NATION. 
IF YOU MUST FIND AMUSEMENT, DO WHAT І DO. GO TO 


REMEMBER ~ 


15 A VERY 
IMPORTANT 
NUCLEAR 
PHYSICIST. 


COME DOWN 
FROMFBI 
HEADQUARTERS 
IN WASHINGTON 
ТО PERSONALLY 
SUPERVISE 
THIS CASE 


MINOS IN CLEAN BODIES + 


THE RACETRACKS. THEY'RE CLEAN. 


CHIEF 1 
CHIEF? 1 
THINK WE 

MAY HAVE A 
BREAK IN 
THE CASE 

HERE. 


the publication of nude photographs of 
Jayne Mansfield. Jones recounts Hef- 
ner's defense, noting that he “flaunts 
his disrespect for the Chicago authori 
ties.” In passing he notes that the mag 


azine includes an article titled How to 
Talk Dirty and Influence People, by Lenny 
Bruce, 


а very controversial and foul- 


The January 1965 Playboy Interview 
with Martin Luther King elicited this 
response from Jones: “The entire ar- 
ticle is typical King double-talk and 
is another classic example of the un- 
bounded duplicity of this false proph- 

1." After reading the June 1965 in- 
terview with Melvin Belli, Jones 
commented, "This two-bit Bar- 
num and Bailey barrister gross- 
ly distorts the role of the FBI in 
law enforcement and continues, 
through his excesses, to display 
the baseness of his character. To 
do anything but ignore him 
would play into his hands and 
provide him with more of the 
publicity he secks. This other. 
case where the director and the 
bureau can well be proud of the 
enemies." The memorandum 
classified top secret. Even more 
chilling is Jones’ casual aside that 
the contents of a panel discussion 
involving activists and campus 
leaders had been referred to the 
Domestic Intelligence Section. 

Jones began to flex, to pump 
up the prose. He was perturbed 
by the magazine's “smart-aleck” 
tone. Its editors were "moral de- 
generates who publish this high- 
priced trash." The agent warned: 
"They would probably like noth- 
ing more than to entice the bu- 
reau into a verbal tiff over their 
scurrilous writings. Ignoring 
these garbage collectors appears 
to be the best means of putting their 
rantings into proper perspective." 
special concern to Jones was the 
g Little Annie Fanny serie: 
highly satirical strip attempts to 
poke fun at the director and the bu 

au's well-established reputation for 
loyalty, patriotism and high mo: 
havior. Its ridiculous exaggers 
directly compliment the character and 
ideals of the FBL. Typical of the college 
humor tone of grant 
in this article is the gross disrespect 
shown for the American flag.” Part of 
the memorandum is blacked out but 
suggests that the FBI investigated one 
or both of the strip's creators, Harvey 
Kurtzman and Will Elder. 

An interview with Art Buchwald iı 
the April 1965 issue caused Jones gre 


reverence so 


concern. In it, Buchwald joked that 
there were so many FBI informers in 
the Communist Party that “someday 
soon J. Edgar Hoover will be elected 
chairman of the American Communist 
Party." He also said, “You're allowed to 
make fun of the FBI because they have 
such a good sense of humor. They nev- 
er get upset when you make fun of 
them. You may get a call from two FBI 
agents in the morning after the column 
appears, at three o'clock, but it is al- 
ways a friendly call. It is the one orga- 
nization in Washington that doesn't 
mind being laughed at.” 

A parody of folk music in the Febru- 


агу 1965 issue of млувоу mentioned 
that Twang Furty had recorded the 
song The Ballad of J. Edgar Hoover, sung 
to the tune of We Shall Overcome, for 
“Scratchy Records.” Jones, evidently 
missing the joke, notes that bureau file: 
contain no information pertaining ei 
ther to the song or to Scratchy Rec 
ords. “This is obviously а parody of 
a folk record ad and is typical of the 
overall makeup of this self-proclaimed 
publication of sophisticates.” 

Jones continued his one-man vigil 
for most of the decade, even when the 
magazine carried no mention of the di- 
rector or the bureau. Again and again, 
he summarized PLAYBOY with a single 
sentence: “This magazine included a 
riety of photographs and car- 
ith nude and seminude 


men and women.” 

The files also contain letters of com- 
plaint from concerned citizens. One 
missive, written on the stationery of the 
EI Rancho Craig Motel in Craig, Col- 
orado, enclosed a cartoon the writer 
thought endorsed the “Rather be pink 
than extinct" attitude. Hoover re- 
sponded to each citizen that, although 
he couldn't share details of bureau in- 
vestigations, he was on the case. 

The files contain a copy of the Con- 
gressional Record of June 12, 1971, On 
that date Senator Mike Mansfield of 
Montana read into the record an ex- 
cerpt from the Playboy Interview with 

George McGovern: 

PLAYBOY: Another of the items 
at the top of your presiden- 
tial agenda, you said some time 
ago, would be the dismissal of 
J. Edgar Hoover from the FBI. 
Do you feel he's outlived his 
usefulness? 

MCGOVERN: I don't think any 
man ought to be permitted ev- 
er again to hold the top job in 
the Federal Bureau of Investiga- 
tion over a long period of ume, 
as Hoover has. Hoover should 
have resigned 25 years ago. He 
has become paranoid. In that 
sense, he is not only a menace to 
citizens but also a chief obstacle 
to proper law enforcement. The 
FBI's own documents show 
clearly how widespread is the 
intrusion of the FBI into the 
private lives of ordinary Ameri- 
cans. I've had colleagues come 
up and say, almost in terror, 

ren't you afraid Hoover is go- 

ing to spill your file to some 

le thing 

to be faced with that kind of sii 

uation. You shouldn't have to 

live in fear of J. Edgar Hoover. 

He ought to be accountable to us, not 
the other way around. 

Jones avoided direct confrontation 
with the magazine's editors, bu 
gle memo reveals the power of a whi 
pered remark. In one of his last sum- 
maries, Jones reveals that the February 
1972 issue contained the article Big 
Brother Watching You? See Sam Ervin, as 
well as mention of attempts by the 
ACLU to halt the FBI's unconstitution- 
al surveillance and intimidation of 
peaceful political groups. And then he 
offers this gem: “In a pictorial entitled 
Angel concerning actress Angel Tomp- 
kins, it is stated that she has appeared 
in the TV show The FBI. lt is noted that 
the production staff has been advised 
that she is not to be used in any future 
programs in The FBI serie: 


a sin- 


47 


SPY SOFTWARE 
When we developed Spector, 
our software designed to se- 
cretly monitor a person's online 
activity, we had two specific 
markets in mind: parents who 
are concerned about protecting 
their children online and em- 
ployers trying to manage Inter- 
net surfing at work ("Snoop- 
ware" by James R. Petersen, The 
Playboy Forum, November). It 
never occurred to us that Spec- 
tor would be used by suspicious 
spouses. When we received our 
first letter from a customer 
who had used Spector to catch 
her fiancé chatting with several 
women a day, we considered it a 
fringe use of our product. 

Most of the people who pur- 
chase Spector for the purposes 
of recording their spouse's on- 
line activity do so because they 
have strong suspicions that 
their mate is cheating on them. 
We constantly hear from wom- 
en (and men) who have been 
lied to for years and have final- 
ly gotten to the truth and been 
able to move on with their lives. 

The Internet has made it far 
too easy to stray. Go into almost 
any chat room at midnight, and 
you'll find that regardless of the 
room's purpose, the discussion 
is about sex and finding a part- 
ner for a real-world encounter 
or phone sex. If Spector serves 


FOR THE RECORD 


“Our conclusion is that the present law on 
cannabis produces more harm than it prevents. 
It is very expensive for the criminal justice sys- 
tem and for the police. It inevitably bears more 
heavily on young people in the streets of in- 
ner cities, who are also more likely to be from 
minority ethnic communities. It criminalizes 
large numbers of otherwise law-abiding, mainly 
young, people to the detriment of their futures. 
Ithas become a proxy for the control of public 
order, and it inhibits accurate education about 
the relative risks of different drugs, including 
the risks of cannabis itself.” 

—From a report released in April by the Police 


THE DEA MUSEUM 

Dave Nuttycombe refers to 
the new DEA museum as a cel- 
ebration of antifreedom ("Bad 
Trip." The Playboy Forum, No- 
vember). Yet what freedom 
guarantees any American the 
right to commit crimes to sup- 
port drug habits, create an 
illegal industry that causes 
widespread death and use the 
desperation of the poor and 
the naivete of youth to distrib- 
ute poisons? 

As bad as things got in the 
Eighties and Nineties, I can't 
imagine how terrible the situa- 
tion would have been without 
special intervention. 

And while the DEA museum 
doesn't have a memorial wall 
for innocent people killed by 
police in drug raids, neither 
does it have a wall for the other 
victims of drug abuse: people 
who have overdosed, innocents 
killed in shoot-outs between 
dealers, families whose homes 
have been burglarized by ad- 
dicts, and children born with 
drugs in their systems. 

Scott Jenkins 
Leesburg, Georgia 


RECLAIMING VIRGINITY 

Patty Lamberti’s review of 
three books that suggest some 
women should embrace celi- 
bacy to improve their lives is 


asa deterrent to this kind of ac- 
tivity, that's a big plus. 
Doug Fowler, president 
SpectorSoft.com 
Vero Beach, Florida 


Foundation, a UK think tank headed by Prince 
Charles. The report, compiled over two years by 
a group of police officers, academics and politi- 
cians, called on the British government to elimi- 
nate jail sentences for possession of drugs such as 


not fair (“A Man’s Worst Night- 
mare,” The Playboy Forum, No- 
vember). Nowhere in Sensual 
Celibacy does Donna Marie 
Schroeder slam or demean 


Snoopware is too Big Broth- 
erish. For $89.95, my compa- 
ny could, if it wanted to, watch my on- 
line habits. Because 1 do my banking 
and stock-portfolio watching online, 
my supervisors can see my bank bal- 
ance or my stock holdings. That's none 
of their business. 

Scout Friedman 

Ocean City, New Jersey 

To which your supervisors might respond: 

Why are you doing your banking and check- 
img your stocks at work? 


THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION 
In “Deciding Factor" (The Playboy Fo- 
rum, November), James В. Petersen's 


marijuana, LSD and ecstasy. 


message seems to be: There are only 
two presidential candidates to vote for 


in November, and neither of them is a 
good choice. 1 agree that the Demo- 
cratic and Republican Party candidates 
made many voters just want to give up. 
But there were other parties to choose 
from: the Libertarians, the Green Par- 
ty, the Reform Party and the Natural 
Law Party. Petersen made the same 
mistake in his article as the organizers 
lection: He didn't in- 
vite enough parties to the debate 
Sean Epperson 
Seattle, Washington 


men. If you don't believe me, 
read Chapter 10, “Give Men 
the Benefit of the Doubt.” 

Sex is more than fucking for some 
people. Those who seek a different 
path should not be made fun of. 

Beth Hartford-DeRoos 
Tracy, California 


WHY ГМ NOT AN ANARCHIST 

In "Why I'm an Anarchist” (The 
Playboy Forum, November), Fred Wood- 
worth implies that society should elim- 
inate all governments. His reasoning is 
absurd. Anarchy would preclude bank- 
ing, currency, property rights, capital 
formation and commerce. An anarchist 
society would force us all to become 


R E S 


P O N 


S E 


hunter-gatherers. Would this necessar- 
ily make the world a better place? 
Woodworth's complaints against the 
government are valid. We must accept 
that this is the price of democracy. Peo- 
ple speak in favor of less government 
regulation until their Firestones blow; 
then they demand more. The real an- 
swer is to expect less of the govern- 
ment and expect more of individuals. 
Thom Wright 
Albuquerque, New Mexico 


DR. LAURA'S BIBLE 

You've probably seen this humorous 
letter, as it has circulated for a few 
months on the Internet and even been 
recited in part as dialogue on The West 
Wing, but 1 thought ГА send it along 
for your amusement. It's addressed to 
talk-show host Laura Schlessinger, who 
has claimed that gays are “deviants” 
and “biological errors”: 

“Thank you for doing so much toed- 
ucate people regarding God's Law. 1 
have learned a great deal from your 
show and I try to share that knowl- 
edge with as many people as 1 can 
When someone tries to defend the ho- 
mosexual lifestyle, for example, I 
ply remind him that Leviticus 
clearly states it to be an abomination. 
End of debate. I do need some advice, 
however. regarding some of the spe- 
cific laws and how to follow them. 

"(1) When I burn a bull as a sacri- 
fice, I know it creates a pleasing odor 
for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem 
is, my neighbors claim the odor is not 
pleasing. Should I smite them? 

*(2) 1 would like to sell my daughter 
into slavery. as sanctioned in Exodus 
21:7. In this day and age, what do you 
think would be a fair price for her? 

“(3) E know that I am allowed no 
contact with a woman while she is in 
her period of menstrual uncleanliness 
(Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how 
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most 
women take offense. 

"(4) Lev. 25:44 states that 1 may in- 
deed possess slaves, provided they are 
purchased from neighboring nations. 
A friend of mine claims this applies to 

ans but not Canadians. Can you 
can't 1 own Canadians? 
a neighbor who 
working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 
clearly states he should be put to death. 
Am I morally obligated to kill him? 

"(6) A friend feels that even though 
eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 


11:10), it is a lesser abomination than 
homosexuality, Can you settle this? 

"(7) Lev. 21:20 states that 1 may not 
approach the altar of God if I have a 
defect in my sight. Does my vision have 
to be 20/20, or is there wiggle room? 

*(8) Most of my male friends get 
their hair trimmed, including the hair 
around their temples, even though this 
is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. 
How should they die? 

"(9) I know from Lev. 11:7-8 that 
touching the skin of a dead pig makes 
me unclean, but may I still play football 
if I wear gloves? 

“(10) My uncle has a farm. He vio- 
lates Lev. 19:19 by planting two differ- 
the same field, as does his 
ing garments made of two 


(Arena Editions) 
presents 125 photo- 
graphs from the Kinsey 
Institute's private col- 
lection of erotic art. 
Composed ot both am- 
ateur and profession- 
а! images taken dur- 
ing the past 120 years, 
the bedside-table book 
collects photos that are 
titillating, scientific or, 
in some cases, down- 
right odd. 


ester blend). Is it necessary to get the 
whole town together to stone them 
(Lev. 24: 10-16)? Couldn't we just burn 
them to death at a private farnily affair 
like we do with people who slecp vith 
their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)? 

“I know that you have studied this, 
so Гат confident you can help. Thank 
you again for reminding us that God's 
word is eternal and unchanging.” 

John Simmons 
Atlanta, Georgia 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province. 


[FORUM 
e а 


ТНЕ THE BLAMELESS 
BLAMELESS 
SOCIETY Vil 


Two nine-year-old boys 


Mork Trimarco 


Scott Krueger 


Kelli Moye 


Patricia Wells 


Charles Ng 


Thomos Macnish 


Veronica Martín 


Lee Williams 


Aoran McKinney 


Jimmy Watkins 


Bert Stone 


Ricky Bryen 


Sean McGrath 


Cynthia Haines 


Bloine Gamble 


Michael Campbell 


Drew Morris 


roundup of finger-pointers, we again examine the culture of not-my- 

faultism. We were disappointed, as always, to find it thriving. Following | Dovid Strein 
the massacre at Columbine, more than half of Americans polled said the In 
ternet should share responsibility for the killings. Dylan Klebold’s parents 
blamed school officials for not stopping Eric Harris, who, unlike their choirbo 
son, appeared to have violent tendencies. In Las Vegas, a glimmer of hope: ] 
emy Strohmeyer, convicted of molesting and strangling a seven-year-old girlin | Mery Естеп, Angie Della Vecchio, Frank Amad 

a casino bathroom stall, took responsibility. He also spent 30 minutes at his 


I t's been a while. Did you miss us? In this, the seventh installment of our 


Tim Book 


sentencing reciting a list of co-conspirators, including online porn, his ex-girl- Tina Brown, 
friend, drugs, late-night gambling, his biological parents and peer pressure. 
We prefer the straightforward approach of coach Mike Ditka, fined $20,000 — - 
by the NEL for making obscene gestures at fans: "I make no excuse for it.” Or Miriam Santos, Chicago treasurer 


William Neal, convicted of three murders, who said at his sentencing hearing: 
“I accept responsibility. If I lose my life, I can live with that.” Or the Nevada Prisaner transpor service, North Dakota 
judges who rejected the pleas of a man who sued a convenience store because 
he dripped hot coffee on his fingers and leg. “The danger was open and obvi- 
ous," they ruled. Damn straight. 


Ed O'Rourke 


КК гогон И 


Еще 


THE PROBLEM 


Drained piggy banks to buy Pokémon cards 
but found few rare ones 


Suffers from what he and his lawyers call 
“toathbrush abrasion” 


WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK 


They wouldn't be rare if you 
found a lat 


Don't brush so hard, dude 


INSTEAD, BLAME... 


Card maker, for aperating “illegal gam- 
bling enterprise” (sue) 


Brush makers and American Dental As- 
sociation, for not warning of risks (sue) 


College freshman drank himself ta death at 
fraternity initiation 


Abandoned newborn daughter in neighbar's 
yard, where infant froze within hours 


Driving drunk and without a license, she 
crashed а van, killing six children 


Tragic lapse of judgment 


MIT, which should have babysat (parents 
settle for $6 million) 


Stupid and heartless 


Wrong ones died 


Inexperience. Lawyer: Maye didn't real- 
ize baby would die in winter cold 
Kormo. Wells’ mother: “It was the chil- 
dren's time to go” 


Не ond accomplice abducted and murdered 
11 people, including children 


After a hot french fry went down his shirt, he 
jumped from moving van and injured leg 


Major-league sicka 


|The other guy. Ng says he tortured victims 
but never thought they'd end up dead 


That's a story for the grandkids 


Burned chin on pickle slice that slipped out of 
hamburger she was eating 


Hot hamburgers contain hot 
pickles 


| Chrysler, for not including feature that 
disables van when driver exits (sue) 


McDonald's, far serving a “defective” 
product (sue for $125,000) 


Wayne State University student got forearm 
tattoo that read VILLAN 


Killed Matthew Shepard because Shepard al- 
legedly made a pass at him in a bar 


Spelling nat required for admis- 
sion to Wayne State 


Psychopath 


Tattao parlar (sue for $25,000) 


"Gay panic” 


Shot wife and her lover, drove away, realized 
he had mare amma, returned ta kill wife 


Stabbed wife 47 times 


Premedi 


Some anger there 


“Sudden passion.” Sentenced to 10 
years’ probation 


"Robotic state” induced by wife's bad- 
gering him and insulting his penis 


Following a traffic altercation, Bryen shot an- 
other driver five times 


Irish tourist crashed rental car in Florida while 
driving drunk; girlfriend killed 


Next time, go around 


Gender confusion, which caused tempo- 
rary insanity (Bryen wore a skirt to couri) 


Don’t drive drunk 


Charged $70,000 to credit cords to gamble 
online 


Black man accused of bank rabbery 


Collection agency nightmare 


Rental company. Lawyer: It should have 
known, because Irish are prone to drink 


MasterCard and Visa, for по! stop- 
ping her (sue) 


Risky business 


"Cultural insanity" brought an by expo- 
sure to white racism. 


Threatened ta “finish the job" in e-mail sent to 
Columbine student 


Suspended by Brandeis University for alleged- 
ly plagiarizing term paper 


Moron with a mouse 


“Internet intoxication” 


In your own words. . - 


Born-again bureaucrat fired for surfing far 
smut at work 


Legally drunk, he was arrested for impaired 
driving 


Naughty, naughty 


The school, for not telling him how to 
use footnates (sue for $500,000) 


Satan and ће parn sites, which wouldn't 
let him surf away 


Clod 


Hypnotist who put him in lingering 
trance at bar (acquitted) 


Each smoked cigarettes far three or mare 
decodes and developed cancer 


Disappointing debut for her magazine Talk 


What—they can’t read? (package 
warnings began in 1966) 


Tobacca companies (Florida jury awards 
$145 billion in class action suit) 


You can't win "em all 


Convicted of extorting campaign contributions 
from city contractors (later overturned) 


Child-killer Kyle Bell, serving a life sentence, 
escapes during transfer 


Extortion? Chicago? What else 
is new? 


Her staff (which she hired). “Start-ups 
are not for kids” 


That time of month. "I am probably the 
first woman to go to jail for PMSing” 


That's not good 


Prison officials, who didn't inform service 
that Bell was an escape risk 


Drunk climbs transformer; takes 13,000 volts 


That’s quite a chaser 


Power company and local tavern (sue) 


51 


52 


N E W 


S F R 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


COP ROCK 


ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, FLORIDA—A 14- 
year-old girl at a music festival asked two 
cops to take her camera closer 10 the stage 
and snap a photo of the band. The officers 


obliged —and added a bonus shot of one 
cop's penis. The officers said they had been 
kidding around when one cop lifted the leg. 
of his shorts and the other snapped a pho- 
to. Officials suspended both without pay. 
The local proseculor declined to charge the 
officers unth indecent exposure, explaining. 
that the girl had not seen an actual penis 
but only a photo of one. 


HALF-BAKED 


WARWICK, RHODE ISLAND— Town offi- 
cials removed a six-foot Mr. Potato Head 
from the front of city hall following com- 
plaints that the figure was racist. Wearing 
а Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and a wide 
grin, the dark brown “Tourist Tater” had 
been installed as part of a state tourism 
campaign. The spud had been in place for 
nearly four months before a photo in the lo- 
cal paper prompted two affirmative action 
officials to protest. “The only thing missing 
is the watermelon,” said one. The artist 
says her potato simply has a tan, but the 
mayor countered, “As long as anyone is of- 
fended, we need to take corrective action.” 


MURDER AND DEATH 


NEW YORK— Whatever its proponents 
say, the death penalty does not deter those 


who contemplate murder. According to a 
study by The New York Times, states that 
don't put convicted killers to death have 
lower murder rates than those that do. Sta- 
tistics compiled by the FBI show that homi- 
cide rates during the past 20 years have 
been 48 percent to 101 percent higher in 
states with the death penalty than in those 
without. Looking for a safe place to live? 
The states that don't have capital punish- 
ment are Alaska, Нашай, lowa, Maine, 
Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, 
North Dakota, Rhode Island, Vermont, 
West Virginia and Wisconsin. 


BIRTH RIGHT 


SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS—State law does 
not allow people of the same sex to marry, 
but at least two lesbian couples have found 
а loophole. т 1999 an appeals court 
ruled in a malpractice suit that a person's 
sex is determined not by genitalia but by 
chromosomes. By citing that decision, two 
couples in which one partner is a male- 
to-female transsexual received marriage 
licenses in Bexar County. In both cases, 
the transsexual partner provided the clerk 
with a birth certificate showing she had 
been born male. 


PENIS POWER 


MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE—An 
appeals court threw out the conviction of 
a man arrested for parading around town 
in a six-foot cloth-and-papier-mäche pe- 
nis costume. Joshua Dostis, a professional 
clown who ran for president as the “Waf- 
fles Party" candidate, said he wanted to 
bring humor to the campaign but that he 
had been misunderstood. “My intent was 
never 10 alarm or affront anyone, espe- 
cially children. I told them I was а mush- 
room.” A judge found Dostis guilty of lewd- 
ness, but the ACLU, in turn, appealed the 
conviction, using First Amendment grounds. 


CHILD GROOM 


CONVERS. GEORGIA—When 21-year-old 
Summer Strickland learned she was preg- 
пат, she and the father of the child mar- 
ried, But there was a problem: The father 
is 14. That put Strickland in a catch-22. 
While it's legal in Georgia to marry some- 
one under 16 if you have a child together, 
it's illegal to have sex with anyone under 
16 unless you're married. Six weeks af- 
ler the birth of her daughter, authorities 


arrested Strickland and charged her with 
statutory rape for the premarital sex that 
got her pregnant. If convicted, she faces 
up to 20 years т prison. 


VIRTUALLY ILLEGAL 


WHITBY, ONTARIO—A provincial judge 
rejected a prosecutor's argument that live 
sex sites are the equivalent of brothels. Po- 
lice had raided and shut down the Sin Bin, 
an online site that charged surfers $15 а 
month plus $5 a minute to watch women 
masturbate or play with sex toys in real 
time. Visitors also could tell the women 
what they wanted to see, a service the pros- 
ecutor claimed made the site “a virtual- 
reality bawdy house.” 


BLIND LUST 


HOVE, ENGLAND—Two blind men who 
visited the Pussycats Club for a stag party 
asked if they could touch the dancers. The 
manager turned down their request, citing 
а local ordinance that bans contact be- 
tween the women and patrons, but pleaded 
on their behalf to the city council. “Both 
men said they very much enjoyed the danc- 
es and sensed highly the proximily of the 
dancers and, in particular, enjoyed the 
smell of their perfume,” the manager ex- 
plained. “Given their disability, they felt 


that controlled touching ought to be per- 
mitted.” He suggested the council allow 
certifiably blind men to place one hand 
over a performers clothed breast, with her 
consent, as she danced. City officals said 
that they would consider the request. 


VIVE(hervo © 3 


Hecho en México. Desde 1795. 


| Е EE THING 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking © Philip Morris nc. 2001, 


г + И 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. НИИ БА CIN 


15 mg “tar” 1.0 mg nicotine av. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: VINCE MCMAHON 


a candid conversation with the boss hoss of wrestling about life as a tough 
guy, battling ted turner and janet reno and saving the nfl from panty: waists 


Get ready for X-rated football. After the 
Super Bowl (that showcase Jor prima donnas 
and pantywaists) comes a whole new ball 
game—a game with more blood and guts, 
hicks in the nuts and sheer smashmouth spec- 
tacle than the cold, corporate National Foot- 
ball League could ever give you. 

That's the hype, anyway. And whether you 
call it XFL PR or L BS, this new pro 
league is a bold play by XFL founder Vince 
McMahon, the hypemaster with balls as 
brassy as the wrestling shows that made him 
a billionaire. 

Will the NFL win America's football fans 
over? NBC thought enough of its chances 
that the network invested $50 million in the 
league and will televise XFL games in prime 
time. The reason? MeMahon, the giant- 
killer who turned pro wrestling [rom an ob- 
scure sideshow into a TV heavyweight more 
popular than college football or the NBA. 
He's the starmaker who turned Steve Wil- 
liams and Dwayne Johnson into Stone Cold 
Steve Austin and the Rock, two of the biggest 
names in trashlainment. McMahon. 55, is 
the guy who created modern pro wrestling by 
admitting that the sport is fake. He lel fans 
т on the joke, then proceeded to bowl them 
over with a sublimely ridiculous show, 
crazed sitcom or soap complete with le 
Jokes, backstage intrigue and operatic wars 


“There will be controversy. If there isn't, 
we'll create it. Not the lily-white, pasteur- 
ized, homogenized pro football that the NFL 
wants to sell you. You're going to see passion, 
the passion players have for winning.” 


in the ring. Fake? Of course! Everybody 
Anew it, and millions of World Wrestling 
Federation fans played along with the gag. 
Unlike the rubes they're purported to be 
WWF lovers are attuned to modern media: 
At one of the WWE's weekly Raw Is War 
spectaculars, a McMahon fan held up a sign 
that read MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IS FAKE. 

What's real and what's fake? McMahon 
knows the diffe And of all the things 
he is—WWE kingpin, actor-brawler playing 
the evil Mr. McMahon in his own shows, 
XFL creator, proud father, horny husband, 
Forbes 400 media mogul—he is foremost a 
fighter. His ring exploits may be a soap op- 
era on steroids, but go up against him in а 
boardroom or a back alley and you're in for 
a beating. 

MeMahon grew up in Havelock, North 
Carolina, with an abusive stepfather and а 
mean streak wider than а country road. He 
learned to fight dirty. After years of street 
brawls and minor crimes, young Viuce got 
shipped off to military school, where he was 
court-martialed. But somehow he stayed ош 
of jail long enough to run headlong into a 
game as reckless and raw as he was, а game 
that was in his blood. 

On a trip to visit his real father—a man 
long divorced from Vince's vivacious, five- 
times-married mother—the kid got a look at 


ence. 


“I get off on the number of отрах 
an has, when I'm the reason sh 
them. To be responsible for a woman becom 
ing absolutely without inhibition—that's 
about the coolest thing in the world,” 


dad's business: pro wrestling, a "sport" that 
featured snarling men in leotards who pre- 
tended to beat the crap out of each other. И 
was the same sideshow his grandfather had 
promoted before Vince's father took over, and 
the boy was hooked in a heartbeat. But his 
dad told him to find steadier work. “Get 
a nice government job.” said his father. On- 
ly after years of waiting and pestering was 
Vince McMahon allowed to promote a few 
cards in the backwaters of his father's wres- 
dling circuit. 

The rest is a hell of a story line: Eager 
young huckster turns regional circuit into 
national spectacle, body-slams cable compet- 
itors, gets famous, expands empire into ac- 
tion figures and restaurants, makes first bil- 
lion, vides 150 mph motorcycle into sunset. 

Except that in this story, nothing is as 
simple as it seems. In fact, McMahon's road 
to the top was full of potholes. There was 
bankruptcy, federal charges that he d distrib- 
шей steroids to wrestlers, a media war with 
Ted Turner. There was trouble in his mar- 
riage lo Linda McMahon, the school sweet- 
heart who became his wife and chief execu- 
tive of the WWE There was the death of 
WWE star Owen Hart in a ring accident, 
and McMahon's decision to let the show go 
on after Hart's body was whisked away. 
There was and is the persistent charge that 


в. 4 


— 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 
"The last time I rode a motorcycle I ran into 
а Volvo. 1 was on a Boss Hoss—having that 
much power is like having а 12-fool penis. I 
hit the Volvo and it launched me. It was just 
a question of how I was going lo land. 


55 


FENNEL ROT 


McMahon is a cultural bogeyman, a pan- 
derer who owes his wealth to bulked-up lugs 
and their babes, cartoon pimps and their ho 
trains—the lowest of lowbrow TV. 

McMahon answers with a shrug: 
what the people want.” 

He can afford to be a little smug. Afier 
trailing Turner's World Championship Wres- 
ding in the ratings for almost 100 straight 
weeks, McMahon's WWF smacked its rival 
down and now crushes WCW week after 
week. Chyna, the WWF women’s star, got 
raw in the November 2000 ылувоу and 
made that issue a newsstand sellout. The 
Rock drew roars at last summer's Republi- 
can Convention, then turned up at the MTV 
awards and got bigger props than Eminem. 
And now, with Stone Cold Steve Austin back 
from injury rehab to complete th 
team and the XFL about to kick off its inau- 
gural season, MeMahon is the most power- 
ful figure in the field that he calls sports 
entertainment. 

Is the McMahon of the hour a hero or a 
villain—in wrestling talk, a face or a heel? 
What makes him tick people off? And just 
how good is he in bed? We sent sports talker 
Kevin Cook, who hosts a daily show, The Sky- 
box, on eYada.com, to ask. Cook reports: 
“McMahon is as subtle as a concussion. 
He's big—6 2", 230—and in scary shape for 
а man of 55. He ticked me off at first. I ar- 
rived on time at WWE headquarters, a glass 
box in Stamford, Connecticut festooned with 
big black flags that make the building look 
like а pirate ship, and I waited for three 
hours while he finished up some business 
meetings. Pacing in his reception room, I 
watched that Monday's Raw Is War on 12 
screens flanking a backlit WWE logo on the 
wall. A portrait of the Rock glared down at 
а jumbo floral display in the middle of the 
room. The flowers were plastic. 

“Al last 1 was ushered into his office: 
black-and-white wallpaper, stark red high- 
lights, WWF magazines and posters neatly 
arrayed, a panoramic fourth-floor view of 
leafy Stamford with Long Island Sound in 
the distance, After a muscular handshake he 
said, "Let's go." 

“In the next three-plus hours he would 
laugh a lot, roll his eyes theatrically, whistle 
for effect, jump from his chair to act out 
wrestling moves. He would talk openly about 
his businesses, his background, his family, 
about love and Raw and feeling like you 
have a 12-foot penis, and he would careful- 
ly couch а surprising revelation about sexu- 
al abuse. 

“Fm no WWE fan, but after hours of 
back-and-forth with McMahon as dusk and 
then darkness rolled over Stamford, I can 
tell you that ГА want this guy on my side in 
а fight 

“With the first XFL games coming in Feb- 
ruary, we started with football talk.” 


"That's 


MCMAHON: I did not. I said it’s not a 
league for pantywaists, that's truc. Dut I 
was really talking about how the NFL 
has changed football. 7 illi 
owners—or at least millionaire owners— 
have changed the rules to protect their 
prime investment, the quarterback. It's 
ostensibly for the safety of the perform- 
er, but that hasn't got a damn thing todo 
with the game. Once you do that, it’s по 
longer football as we know it and love it. 
PLAYBOY: And the XFL will be? 
MCMAHON: We're not going to protect 
the investment like NFL owners have: 
one hand on the quarterback and the 
whistle blows. It's not that in college, 
it’s not that way in high school and it 
won't be that way in our league. I played 
both offense and defense in my day. 
and I remember what you're taught on 
defense: Knock the quarterback out of 
the game. 

PLAYBOY: Once there's a famous XFL 
quarterback, you might be tempted to 
protect him, change the rules 
MCMAHON: No. It’s part of the game— 
knock the quarterback out. Now what? 
You go to the backup, and maybe you 


Don't get me wrong—I 
hate failing. But I’m not 
afraid to take chances and 
fall on my ass, because 
if I live through it 
ГЇЇ be better off. 


run more-fundamental plays. That's 
how it used to be in the NFL. It chang- 
es things: When you draft your backs, 
you'll want guys who are versatile, who 
can run and throw. The NFL would 
have Мг. and Mrs. America believe there 
are only a few players who can make it 
the NFL, but there's plenty of talent. 
There's a Super Bowl MVP who proved 
my point. For years no NFL team would 
give Kurt Warner a chance, and he lan- 
guished in the Arena Football League. 
Next thing you know he’s MVP of the 
Super Bowl. I'm not saying every XFL 
player is of that cali 

as hell have the 
PLAYBOY: Do you agree those who 
say the level of play in the XFL will be 
between Arena football and the NFL? 
MCMAHON: ГА say between the very best 
college ball and the NFL. But we'll have 
our breakouts, names you haven't heard 
yet. You'll get to know the XFL stars’ 


PLAYBOY: At the press conference an- 
nouncing the X) 
was for real men, not “panty 
questioned the m: 


ike Joe 


56 Montana, John Elway and Brett Favre. 


personalities—unlike in the NFL, which 
wants to keep everything secret except 
the NFL. They don't promote individu- 
ality. They won't let you celebrate in the 
end zone, and they have uniform pe 


‘They'll fine a 330-pound guy for letting 


his jersey hang out. They wouldn't let 
Jim McMahon wear a headband when 
he played for the Bears. Its downright 
un-American! The XFL will give you re- 
ality. And it's going to be easier го pro- 
duce than World Wrestling Federation 
entertainment, where we start w 
blank page and have to write characteri 
zations and verbiage. Now we can turn 
the camera on cl ic individuals 
and let them be themselves. One thing 
I'll insist on is that they not be politically 
correct. I can't stand politically correct. 
PLAYBOY: You're the antidote to political- 
ly correct. 

MCMAHON: Pcople lie through their teeth 
with that stuff. I hate 
truths. I told Rusty T 
of the New York and New J 
men, “Rusty, the moment you're not 
yourself, 1 guarantee that I will be in 
your face. Physically as well as figurative- 
ly. Then we'll see what kind of fun we 
have.” 


Hall of Famer Dick Butkus is 
director of competition. You'd 
get in his face, too? 

Jh my God, yes! And Butkus 
knows it. That will be damn good TV. 
PLAYBOY: What do the coaches think of 
your styl 
MCMAHON: Rusty said, “Vince, when I 
coached for the Raiders I swore a lot. 
Then I was told we had to change our 
image. 1 couldn't swear anymore. Specif- 
ically, 1 couldn't say “fuck. ? I told Rusty 
he wouldn't have that problem in the 
XFL. It's not just that the word refers to 
my favorite thing to do in life. It's that 
we want communication that's visceral 
Our cameras and microphones are go- 
ing to capture everything as we go inside 
what may be the greatest sporting event 
on television other than the Olympics: 
pro football. The NFL doesn't want the 
real game exposed. They have a corpo- 
rate image to protect. But we'll give you 
the whole show, a reality show inside a 
sporting event. 

PLAYBOY: Should the NFL be worried? 
MCMAHON: They have their audience. I 
think we'll have their audience, too, and 
more. We'll have a new audience that 
does not watch Monday Night Football. A 
younger demographic that advertisers 
want. Monday Night ratings are down, 
but sponsors can see that we're going to 
grow. Why? Because we look at every- 
thing as an entertainment vehicle. Noth- 
ing is sacred. We're not encumbered by 
the usual rules. That's something that 
comes from my life, something that 
could have been a negative but turned 
out to be a plus. Most people grow up in 
a structured environment, but I didn't 
at gives you the ability to fall on your 
face, to get into trouble, and if you live 
through it, you don't know limitations— 
other than physical ones, which I'm just 
learning about at 55 ycars old. 

PLAYBOY: We'll come back to your bouncy 
childhood, but first let's talk a little more 


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PLAYBOY 


about the XFL. You and NBC each own 
50 percent of the league. So who has 
nal cut? Who makes the big decisions? 
MCMAHON: That's very clear. I've worked 
with NBC sports chief Dick Ebersol for 
years. He's one of my best friends. On 
the day we announced the XFL, Di 
called and said, “What would you think 
about Saturday night—in prime time?” 
setting that credibility, being in that 
pipeline, was worth giving up 50 
percent ownership. But the creative in- 
Dick told me from the get- 
is your vision, and we don't 
want NBC screwing it up." 
You know, the networks aren't doing 
that well. They need entrepreneurial 
and that's what we bring. For bet- 
ter or for worse, the XFL will revolution- 
ize the way you watch sports. 
PLAYBOY: What about the credibility ques- 
tion? When there's a thrilling flea-flicker, 
won't people say it was scripted? 
MCMAHON: There will be controversy. If 
there isn't, we'll create it. But the real 
show is on the sidelines, in the stands, in 
the locker rooms, and we're going to 
show it all. Not the lily-white, pasteur- 
ized, homogenized pro football that the 
NFL wants to sell you. You're going to 
see passion, the passion players have for 
winning and coaches have for motivat- 
ing, and you'll see it live, because our 
cameras and mikes are right there. 
Someone drops a pass in the end zone? 
When he comes off the field, we're there. 
PLAYBOY: He's got to talk about it right 
away? 
MCMAHON: Oh, yeah. 
PLAYBOY: Can you say "fuck" on NBC? 
MCMAHON: You can say it, but it will be 
bleeped out. You'll definitely see coach- 
es, players and fans in the throes of pas- 
ng and doing things they would 
never otherwise think of. The linemen 
who love contact—they're trying to rip 
somebody's head off! It’s all part of our 
a the one no one else would 
is to do. 
PLAYBOY: Will you market-rescarch the 
XFL the way you do the WWF? 
MCMAHON: Yes. Not only with exit polls 
and focus groups but also with the em- 
pirical sort of research we do all the time. 
With the WWF we're in contact with our 
consumers more than 200 nights a у 
They cheer, they boo. That's how they 
tell us what they like, and we're good lis- 
teners. Our shows are totally interactive. 
The fans are part of the show, and some- 
times they surprise me. 
PLAYBOY: When have they surprised you? 
MCMAHON: We had a characte l Veni 
this alleged porn star we thought would 
be the consummate heel. But when 
Val's music plays and he walks out, peo- 
ple cheer: “Val! Yeah! All right!” That 
surprised me. OF course, that character 
has evolved he's joined a group called 
RIC, Right to Censor. 
PLAYBOY: He's a good guy now. 


58 MCMAHON: No, he's not. He has seen the 


light and joined Senator Lieberman's 
clan. Which doesn't make him a good 
guy, OK? 

PLAYBOY: You don't like the way Joseph 
Lieberman invokes God in speeches and 
talks about cleaning up Hollywood and 
other bastions of so-called trashy or vio- 
lent entertainment. Is he at the top of 
your enemies list? 

MCMAHON: Anyone who is against free- 
dom of expression would be up there. 
PLAYBOY: And he's reaching the top 
MCMAHON: [Whistles] Yes, he is. Lieber- 
man's scary. Not so much for my bu: 
ness but for our country. T think it was 
his first speech after Al Gore introduced 
him as the vice presidential candidate, 
and Lieberman called it a miracle and 
gave all thanks to God—I'm paraphras- 
ing—and 1 thought, Wow, if this guy 
thinks he's got a closer connection to 
God than I have, or than anybody else in 
America has, that's not good. He's not 
the Pope. He's not a religious leader. So 
either (a) he actually thinks he’s closer to 
God, or (b) he’s a hypocritical politician 
using God to garner votes. Then I hear 
that they're going to give Hollywood X 
number of days to respond—tha! 
PLAYBOY: Do you feel you're 
touch with the public than рой 
corporate leaders are? 
МСМАНОМ: Take the NEL. The suits over 
there don't know their audience. In cor- 
porate America, at the highest level, they 
don't usually have a clue what their con- 
sumers want. They drive Aston Martins, 
so they think everybody does. They be- 
long to a country club, they think every- 
body does. It's easy to fall into that trap, 
but I couldn't do it if 1 wanted to. 1 
loathe that. I am of the people. If I have 
a gift, it's the gift of understanding com- 
mon, ordinary people. 

PLAYBOY: How do you understand your 


t's real, broad-based Ameri 
cana. The teen audience appreciates us, 
yet we're sophisticated enough that our 
female audience is growing by leaps and 
bounds. We're growing across the board, 
not just among the male-dominated 12- 
to 34-year-olds. We own that audience, 
but I don't say, "Great, we own 12 to 34, 
so let's focus on them.” If you start nar- 
roweasting, you'll make mistakes. 
PLAYBOY: Should feminists loathe you? 
MCMAHON: We're equal-opportunity of- 
fenders. Chyna's one of our strongest 
characters, far above the vast majority 
of the men. Our female characters are 
tionably sensual, but they're real 


to get ahead. While the visceral, Pavlov- 
ian male. 
PLAYBOY: Gets played like a violin 
MCMAHON: Absolutely. Many fen n 
the WWF are manipulative. But male or 
female, everybody's trying to climb the 
ladder of success. It's all a soap opera 
about how you achieve stardom, and 
then what you do after to remain a star. 


PLAYBOY: Will there ever be a female 
champion? 

MCMAHON: Chyna's our female champ. 
PLAYBOY: But how about a woman win- 
ning the belt the Rock has? Could that 
happen? 

МСМАНОМ: 1 don't rule out anything, 
PLAYBOY: How do you write story lines? 
Do you brainstorm with writers, send 
e-mail back and forth: 
MCMAHON: Our write: 
ent, me Glens guum 


ativity and vision. Eventually it comes 
out on television in this hybrid form, the 


still around. It's the WWE. 

PLAYBOY: How do you choose your stars? 
Did you know that Dwayne Johnson 
would get so famous as the Rock that 
he'd knock ‘em dead at the Кери 
Convention and the MTV Award: 
MCMAHON: You can tell if someone has 
charisma. He has it. So did his dad and 
his grandfather, who also worked for us. 
His grandfather was a Samoan chief, 
about 510" and 280 pounds, a rugged, 
tough son of a bitch, but a sweetheart 
And his son, Rocky Johnson—the Rock 
before the Rock—was an extraordinary 
performer. A handsome black man. That 
gene pool is special, and it helps make 
the Rock a special human being. 
PLAYBOY: Did you help him with that eye- 
brow thing he does? 

MCMAHON: No. I think he started that in 
college. 

PLAYBOY: Is Stone Cold Steve Austin a 
better actor than Arnold Schwarzeneg- 
ger or Sylvester Stallon 
MCMAHON: Sure, and so is the Rock. Be- 
cause they can react, and react honestly. 
PLAYBOY: Michael Jordan told us he had 
Space Jam. It’s not 


as easy 
MCMAHON: Well, hael Jordan didn't 
have the right coaching. Put someone 
with an acting coach? My God, Method 
acting! That won't work. You have to ш 
derstand athletes and how they operate, 
how they think, their attention span—or 
lack of it. Some people can't give you an 
honest reaction. You have to challenge 
them: “Do you have any guts? Do you 
give a shit about anytl ? Tell me, and 
TI take that and use it.” If a guy only 
cares about his grandmother, I can use 
that. Ull get him to think of his grand- 
mother in a certain situation. 

PLAYBOY: Ominous for Grandma. Do you 
try to piss off your wrestle: 
MCMAHON: Sometimes. You have to re- 
rally. 

n tO a subject you 
a wrestler died i 


late to them visc 
PLAYBOY: Let's tui 
ly talk about, whı 
ring. 

MCMAHON: My God, ycah. Owen Hart. 
PLAYBOY: Hart died in a ring accident, 
falling when the harness holding him 
above the ring broke. You had to decide: 


the 


Go on with the show ог cancel и? You 
went оп. 
MCMAHON: I didn't know if it was the 
right decision. But knowing Owen as the 
performer he was, it's my belief that he 
would have wanted the show to go on. 
PLAYBOY: How did you find out what had 
happened? 

MCMAHON: | was backstage in my office 
when I heard. It happened when the 
arena was dark, so nobody saw the fall. 1 
thought back to earlier that day: My son 
Shane and I were out by the ring, walk- 
ing through a physical bit we had to 
do that night, and 1 was shocked and 
surprised by Owen. He was descending 
to the ring і cal Owen fashion, yell- 
ing and raising hell. He was one of the 
biggest rippers, as we call them in the 
business, a practical joker, a prankster. 
One time he and Davey Boy Smith put 
goats in my office, and they made sure 
those goats were well fed beforehand. 
You can imagine how it stunk. But that's 
how it is in the WWF, and how it was 
with Owen. So many jokes 
PLAYBOY: If you could do it over, would 
you still hold the show that night? 
MCMAHON: I just guessed that it was what 
Owen would want. 

PLAYBOY: So you'd do it again? 
MCMAHON: I think so. 

PLAYBOY: Pro wrestling is a dangerous 
job, a litle like being a stuntman. 
MCMAHON: It's a lot like being a stunt- 


man, but it’s ramped up, because stunt- 
people wear pads. We don't. 

PLAYBOY: At the age of 55 you still per- 
form in your shows. Do you have a high 
pain threshold? 

MCMAHON: Um blessed that way. 1 can 
handle pain. But the older 1 get, the lon- 
ger it takes to recuperate. Sometimes we 
affect pain when there isn't any. Some- 
times we feel it and embellish it, if it's 
part of the story line. Stone Cold kicked 
my ribs in one night, and we just went 
ahead. I cracked my coccyx in a bad fall 
on a pay-per-view, and we continued. 
Гуе had several concussions. You get a 
white flash, and you need time off to get 
better. 1 don't perform as much as 1 used 
to. I like the opposite side of the cam- 
era—being the producer, the director, 
the cable puller. 

PLAYBOY: You don't pull a lotof cable now 
that you're a billionaire. 

MCMAHON: Sometimes I do. If a camera- 
man is scampering and the cable pull- 
er's not keeping up, ГИ pull the cable. 
There's no job too menial. 

PLAYBOY: How about ring technique? You 
don't want to break your neck out there. 
If Steve Austin jumps off the cage onto 
you, whose job is it to keep it safe: the 
leaper or the leapee? 

MCMAHON: If you're lying on the mat 
and Rikishi jumps from the top of the 
cage onto you, it's Rikishi's responsibil- 
ity to come down the right way and not 


crush you. In that situation you're do- 
ing what's called giving him your body. 
You're saying, “I give you my life." You 
give your life to somebody even on a 
simple body slam, because if he turns 
you facefirst into the mat and slams you. 
you're either paralyzed or dead. 
PLAYBOY: That takes body control. Is it a 
natural talent? 

MCMAHON: No. You learn it. Look at the 
backyard wrestling you can see on the In- 
ternet—some of the media try to glori- 
fy that stuff, but it encourages kids to do 
things they shouldn't. It takes years of 
training to take a back drop the right way. 
PLAYBOY: What's the trick? 

MCMAHON: You need to disperse the fall 
over as wide an area as you possibly can. 
Think about the physics of it: If you 
come off the top rope and land with all 
your weight on your elbow, that elbow is 
going to be shattered. But land on your 
back—as much back and leg as possi- 
ble—and you can disperse the impact. 
Not that it won't hurt. But you will get 
back up. 

PLAYBOY: Are you fearless? 

MCMAHON: Like I said, I grew up in a 
very volatile environment. My view was 
that if I took a beating and lived, I won. 
1 still have that view. It gives me a tre- 
mendous advantage, because I'm not 
afraid of failure. Don't get me wrong—I 
hate failing. But I'm not afraid to take 
chances and fall on my ass, because if 


mk 


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PLAYBOY 


60 


е through it ГИ be better off, and 
Tw 
PLAYBOY: You had a rough childhood in 
Havelock, North Carolina, where you 
grew up in a trailer. 
MCMAHON: [Laughs] А New Moon trailer, 
eight feet wide. Trailer park isn't pov- 
erty. You don't have much privacy, but 
there are nice things about it. Every- 
thing is compact. And it beats some oth- 
Prior to that 1 lived in Manly, 
n a house with no in- 
That could get a little 
disconcerting in the wintertime. 
PLAYBOY: So you're the manly man from 
Manly. Are those your first memories? 
MCMAHON: Yeah, and the summertime 
wasn't much better, sitting on the privy 
with the heat and 
humidity and stench. 
Oh, man, the flie 
So when we moved 
to the trailer park, it 
wasn't so bad. 
PLAYBOY: You lived 
with an older broth- 
er, your mother 
occasional others, 
right? 
MCMAHON: My par- 
ents got divorced and 
1 went with my mom, 


your mother. 

MCMAHON: Absolutely. First time 1 re- 
member, 1 was six years old. The slight- 
est provocation would set him off. But I 
lived through it. 

PLAYBOY: That's an awful way to learn 
how a man behaves. 

MCMAHON: I learned how not to be. One 
thing I loathe is a man who will strike a 
woman. There's never an excuse for that. 
PLAYBOY: Eventually, you escaped from 
your stepfather. 

MCMAHON: By the time I was 14 I was on 
my own. I was pretty much a man then. 
Physically, at least. In other ways I'm still 
becoming a man. 

PLAYBOY: Was the abuse all physical, or 
was there sexual abuse, too? 


PLAYBOY: Surely it must shape a person. 
MCMAHON: No doubt. I don't think we 
escape our experiences. Things you may 
think you've pushed to the recesses of 
your mind, they'll surface at the most in- 
opportune time, when you least expect 
it. We can use those things, turn them in- 
to positives—change for the better. But 
they do tend to resurface. 

PLAYBOY: We can leave that topic, but one 
thing first. You have said that the sexual 
abuse in your childhood “wasn't from 
the male." It's well known that you're 
estranged from your mother. Have we 
found the reason? 

MCMAHON: [Pauses, nods] Without saying 
that, I'd say that's pretty close. 

PLAYBOY: OK, let's take a look at the 
teenage Vince. You 


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not go to school. Did 
things that were un- 
lawful, but I never 
got caught. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever 
steal? 

MCMAHON: Automo- 
biles. But Г always 
brought them back. 1 


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just borrowed them, 
really. There were 
other thefts, too, and 
I ran а load of moon- 
shine in Harlowe, 
North Carolina, in a 
1952 Ford V8. That 
was a badass car at 
the time. 

PLAYBOY: What did 


PLAYBOY: Your stepfa- 
ther beat you? 

MCMAHON: [Nodding] 
Leo Lupton. It's un- 
fortunate that he died 
before 1 could kill 


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MCMAHON: А fortune. 
I think it was 20 
bucks. 

PLAYBOY: Finally, the 
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joyed that. Not that У MCMAHON: They had 
he didn't have some 5440 West Chester Road e West Chester OH 45060 (EB) EE EE a lot of circumstan- 
redeeming qualities. Пи > Department 200721 TT i;i) evidence. 1 was 


He was an athlete, 

great at any sport, which I admired, and 
I remember watching The Jackie Gleason 
Show with him. We used to laugh togeth- 
erat Jackie Gleason. 

PLAYBOY: Lupton was an electrician. He 
hit you with his tools, didn't he? A pipe 
wrench? 

MCMAHON: Sure. 

PLAYBOY: He hit your brother, too? 
MCMAHON: No. I was the only one of the 
kids who would speak up, and that's 
what provoked the attacks. You would 
think that after being on the receiving 
end of numerous attacks 1 would wise 
up. but I couldn't. I refused to. I felt I 
should say something, even though 1 
knew what the result would be. 

PLAYBOY: You fought him when he hit 


MCMAHON: That's not anything 1 would 
like to embellish. Just because it was 
weird 

PLAYBOY: Did it come from the same man? 
MCMAHON: No. It wasn't. . . И wasn't 
from the male. 

PLAYBOY: That's so mysterious. It sounds 
like a difficult thing for a kid to deal 
with. 

MCMAHON: You know, Гт not big on ex- 
cuses. When I hear people from the 
projects, or anywhere else, blame their 
actions on the way they grew up, I think 
it's a crock of shit. You can rise above it. 
This country gives you opportunity if 
you want to take it, so don't blame your 
environment. 1 look down on people 
who use their environment as a crutch. 


always in fights, too. 
They'd pull up and there we were, me 
and my group of guys, going at it with 
the Marines. 
PLAYBOY: You fought the Marines? 
MCMAHON: Havelock is right outside the 
Marine base at Cherry Point. There was 
a place called the Jet Drive-In. Real cre- 
ative—the Jet, because of all the military 
jets at the base. On Friday and Saturday 
night 1 
Marines. It was a chall 
them were in great condition, but they 
now how to fight. I'm not saying 
they were easy pickings. They got their 
testosterone going and they were all 
liquored up. Some of them were real 
tough. But me and my guys were street 
fighters. 1 mean, maybe you've been 


through basic training and you know 
how to operate a bayonet. That's differ- 
ent from sticking your finger in some- 
body's eye or hitting a guy in the throat, 
which comes naturally to a street fighter. 
And they can't believe you're not “fight- 
ing fair" Suddenly they can't breathe 
and/or see, and they realize: “Oh my 
God, am I in for an ass-kicking.” 
PLAYBOY: Ever come close to killing one 
of them? 
MCMAHON: I would like to think not very 
close. That's not what 1 wanted to do. 
You want to incapacitate the guy. Once 
you get someone down you don't want 
him getting back up. You don’t want him 
moving, so you make sure he doesn't 
It’s not pretty, but it was challenging 
and fun 
PLAYBOY: Finally, the authorities in Have- 
lock gave you a choice — 
MCMAHON: Right. It was reform school 
or military school. I went to Fishburne 
Military School in Waynesboro, Virginia, 
in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Military 
school is expensive. My mom was still my 
п and she couldn't afford it. So 
ied and he paid. 
PLAYBOY: Your father was a wrestling pro- 
moter. It was wrestling money that sent 
you to military school 
MCMAHON: That's right. I would see him 
in the summertime and on the occasion- 
al holiday. That he was able and willing 
to send me to that school made an im- 
pression. It was a chance to start over. 
Maybe it doesn't seem that I changed, 
since I was the first cadet in school histo- 
ry to be court-martialed, but I at least 
started to change. No one really knew 
me at Fishburne. 1 had no badass repu- 
ration to uphold. 
PLAYBOY: So why did they court-mar- 
tial you? 
MCMAHON: For no particular infraction. 
Again, I was lucky and a little crafty—I 
wasn't caught for some stuff that would 
have meant immediate dismissal, like 
stealing the commandant car. Colonel 
Zinncker had an old, green, beat-up 
Buick, and he always left the keys in it 
He also had а dog he was nuts about. 
I love animals, but one day I couldn't 
resist giving that dog a laxative. I put 
the laxative in some hamburger and the 
dog did his business all over the com- 
mandant's apartment, which thrilled me 
greatly. 
PLAYBOY: What finally got you in trouble? 
MCMAHON: Insubordination. | had no re- 
y because they wi 
у. s an ROTC pro- 
gram, but we weren't in a war. We were a 
bunch of kids. The idea of this adult 
from Army ROTC ordering all these 
kids around—and getting off on it—ugh! 
What kind of human being is that? I was 
insubordinate, but I didn't really have 
many scrapes at Fishburne. I was play- 
ing sports—wrestling and football—and 
that helped me 
PLAYBOY: What position in football? 


MCMAHON: Offensive guard and defen- 
sive tackle. But all I really knew how to 
do was fight. So it was, “Bring it on!” 
But when you've got bare knuckles and 
you're hitting a guy with a helmet on, it’s 
no good. I was used to gouging eyes and 
going for the throat. А big kick in the 
nuts is always primo—you hear the guy 
go “Huhhh!” and you think, His ass is 
mine. But you can't do that on the foot- 
ball field. Football is all about technique, 
and I was a lousy football player. In one 
game 1 was personally penalized more 
yardage than our offense gained. 
PLAYBOY: Still, you beat the court-martial 
and even graduated. By then you had 
stolen cars and run moonshine. You'd 
had a drink. You'd bod your first joint. 
You'd lost your virginity. 
MCMAHON: [Pauses] That was at a very 
young age. I remember, probably in the 
first grade, being invited to a matinee 
film with my stepbrother and his girl- 
friends, and 1 remember them playing 
with me. Playing with my penis, and gig- 
gling. 1 thought that was pretty cool. 
That was my initiation into sex. At that 
age you don't necessarily achieve an 
erection, but it was cool. At around the 
same time there was a girl my age who 
was, in essence, my cousin. Later in life 
she actually wound up marrying that 
hole Leo Lupton, my stepfather! Boy, 
this sounds like Tobacco Road. Anyway, | 
remember the two of us being so curious 
about each other's bodies but not know- 
ing what the hell to do. We would go in- 
to the woods and get naked together. It 
felt good. And for some reason I wanted 
to put crushed leaves into her. Don't 
know why, but I remember that. I don't 
remember the first time I had inter- 
course, believe it or not. 

PLAYBOY: Your growing up was pretty 
accelerated. 

MCMAHON: God, yes. 

PLAYBOY: In your early teens you spent 
a stint in Washington, D.C. with your 
father. 

MCMAHON: When I was 12 or a little old- 
er, living with my grandmother on my 
mom's side, my father and his moth- 
er came to visit. 1 must have behaved 
myself, because I got invited up to be 
with him. 

PLAYBOY: You must have been aching for 
him all that time. 

MCMAHON: Didn't know it, though. It's 
funny how you don’t know what you're 
missing if you never had it. Then when 1 
met ту dad, 1 fell in love with him. We 
got very, very close, but we both knew we 
could never go back. There’s a tendency 
to try to play catch-up, but you can't. You 
missed those years. There would always 
be something missing between us, but 
there was no reason to discuss it. I was 
grateful for the chance to spend time 
with him. 

PLAYBOY: There was a colorful wrestler in 
his stable, Dr. Jerry Graham 

MCMAHON: Oh, boy. It's 1959 and I'm 


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looking up at Jerry Graham and he's 
lighting h $100 bills. 

PLAYBOY: That's a good story, but nobody 
would really do i 

MCMAHON: Graham would. He spent 
more money than anybody 1 know. He 
was a 300-pound guy with platinum 
blond hair and a thick, heavy beard. He 
wore red pants and a riverboat-gambler 
shirt. The shirt was either wl 
Tf it was red, it had white ruffles. If it was 
white, it had red ruffles. He wore red 
shoes and rode around Washington in a 
blood-red 1959 Cadillac, smoking a ci- 
gar. He'd run red lights, blowing the 
horn, and people would scatter. If they 
didn't get out of his way he'd cut a promo. 
PLAYBOY: Cut a promo? 

MCMAHON: Yell. Go off on someone ver- 
bally. Graham was good at that. My 
dad wouldn't let me spend an enormous 
amount of time with him, but I'd sneak 
away when I could and go riding with 
the good doctor. Or we'd be ага party— 
my dad, Jerry and a couple of the other 
wrestlers. Jerry and his girlfriend would 
be arguing and pouring drinks over 
each other. It was sheer entertainment. 1 
was learning that you can be drawn to 
people for their charisma, but that's not 
all there is to them. Damn, Jerry, he 
loved to drink. There was a time when 1 
thought Jerry Graham walked on water, 
but he could be a mean drunk, and that 
turned me off. 

PLAYBOY: Still, you were dying to follow 
your father into the wrestling business. 
MCMAHON: I loved it from the day I saw 
it. The characters! But my dad was prag- 
matic. He remembered the bad years 
he'd had. He'd say, “Get a government 
job, so you can have a pension.” 
PLAYBOY: You wound up at East Carolina 
where you majored in busi- 
you learn? 

MCMAHON: That I hated economics. Sat 
in the back row, didn't like the subject. 
It's about numbers, not people. Wasn't 
wild about statistics, either. 

PLAYBOY: You attended East Carolina 
with Linda, a church choirgirl who fol- 
lowed you there and became your wife. 
She finished college in three years, but it 
took you five years. Is she smarter than 
you are? 

MCMAHON: Generally, yes. But it depends 
on how you define smart. I didn't do 
well scholastically. Had a grade point av- 
erage of 2.001. You needed a two-point 
average to graduate. 

PLAYBOY: It came down to your last class? 
MCMAHON: I had to go back to a couple 
of professors to get them to change me 
froma В plus to an A, or I wouldn't have 
made 
PLAYBOY: Why did they agree? Just be- 
ause you didn't steal their cars? 
MCMAHON: I guess they didn't expect a 
knock on the door from a student who 
wouldn't take no for an answer. Some- 
one who was saying he's been here five 


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years, and his wife's been here three and 
she’s graduating and she’s pregnant. 
Now they figure this kid has either made 
up a hell of a story or maybe it's true. Ei- 
ther way, it didn't hurt them to change 
the grade. 

PLAYBOY: It was a great story line. 
MCMAHON: I delivered it with lots of con- 
viction, because it was true. Not that I 
couldn't have delivered it with convic- 
tion had it not been true. But the grades 
got changed and we both graduated. 
PLAYBOY: Soon you had a son, Shane, and 
a job selling adding machines. 
MCMAHON: I’m not good with fucking 
machines. They have no personality. 1 
went from there to a job selling cups 
and Sweetheart ice cream cones for the 
Maryland Cup Corp. in Owings Mills, 
right outside Baltimore. 1 would get up 
early and work a zillion hours, but it 
wasn't for me. 1 mean, they want you to 
talk about the characteristics of the fuck- 
ing cup. It's a paper cup with a plastic 
coating, and it has a certain lip-type 
thing. They cook it at such and such a 
temperature. One day there I am, sell- 
ing this guy on the cup, and he looks at 
me and says, “Son, you don't really give 
a damn about that cup." 1 said, “No, I 
don't, and thank you very much.” That 
was it for that job. 

PLAYBOY: Next you got work crushing 
rocks. You've claimed you worked 90 
hours a week, but that's almost impossi- 
ble, isn't 
MCMAHON: No, it's not. Linda will tell 
you. | drove a huge dump truck at 
Rockville Crushed Stone, and after а 
while I got promoted to the pug mill. 
Linda still teases me for it. A pug mill is 
where you combine different levels of 
rock with dirt, and I was made the pug 
mill operator. Now, that was big time. 

All this time Га been pestering my 
dad to let me work with him: “Come on, 
Pop. You know I love this stuff." He had 
a promoter in Bangor, Maine who had 
been caught stealing. Caught stealing 
above and beyond the norm, | should 
say. In those days all the promoters stole. 
But you can steal too much, and then 
you're a thief. 
PLAYBOY: How much was too much? 
MCMAHON: [Laughs] Over about 20 per- 
cent and you're a thief. So my dad tells 
me, "Look, the guy in Bangor, I just 
threw him the hell out. Go up there. You 
can't ever say I didn't give you an oppor- 
tunity, but this is the first and last oppor- 
tunity you'll have in this company." 1 
went to Bangor, the northernmost out- 
post of my dad's territory. Now I'm hus- 
tling, promoting a product I love. Peo- 
ple cheer and boo and have a good time, 
and I leave with some money in my 
t. Goddamn, life is good! Started 

aking my way south, promoting areas 
that hadn't been promoted before. First 
thing you know, half my dad's business is 
in New England. 


PLAYBOY: Pro wrestling had always been 
regional, but before long you were in- 
vading other promoters’ turf. You were 
the guy who was going to make wrestling 
а national business. 

t. At tremendous risk. 

& There was a gentlemen's agree- 
ment: Promoters don't violate each oth- 
er's territory. In wrestling terminology, 
what you were doing was sort ofa dou- 
ble cross. You got death threats. 
MCMAHON: Many times. On the phone 
and in person. There’s a person who still 
works for us, Jim Ross, who was at a 
confab in Memphis back then. Ninety 
percent of the major promoters flew to 
Memphis for a big meeting. So one day 
Jim was sitting on the throne in the 
men’s room when a few of the elder guys 
come in, and they're saying, “How are 
we going to stop this kid?” Meaning me. 
They're plotting to do me in. Of course, 
Jim doesn't want them to know he's 
there, because he heard them. 

PLAYBOY: They were talking about kill- 
ing you? 

MCMAHON: [Nodding] Murder. They were 
going to take me out. So Jim, God bless 
him, in the middle of his defecation he 
picks up his feet so they can't see him. 
Here's Jim with his feet up on the 
throne, thinking, Please don't let them 
know I'm in here. Sure enough, they 
ked out, and Jim had no trouble fin- 
ishing his job after that. 

PLAYBOY: Do you think they were serious 
about murder? 

MCMAHON: Some of it was probably bra- 
vado from a pseudo tough-guy. Some of 
it was real. They were the last vestige of 
the old school, and I wanted to change 
the whole deal. I had to go national. 
PLAYBOY: By 1984 you had achieved it 
You were planning the Wrestlemania, 
the first of those huge national shows 
But it was also the time your father was 
dying. 

MCMAHON: Dying of cancer. 1 went to the 
hospital and 1 kissed him. I've always 
been demonstrative. If I don't like you, 
TIl tell you. If I love you, male or female, 
I'll hug you and say I love you. But my 
dad was old Irish. The old Irish, for 
some reason 1 don't understand, they 
don't show affection. That's not how 
1 live my life. It's certainly not the way 
that my kids, Shane and Stephanie, were 
brought up—l don't know how many 
times a day 1 tell them | love them. But 
my dad, no. He never said it. Maybe he 
would say something complimentary 
about me to somebody else. but not to 
my face. That time in the hospital, I 
kissed him and said I loved him. He 
didn't like to be kissed, but 1 took advan- 
tage of him, Then I started to go. I 
hadn't quite gotten through the door 
when I heard him: “1 love you, Vinnie!” 
He didn't just say it, he yelled i 
PLAYBOY: This came after you made your 
first fortune and promptly went bank- 


rupt. You owned horses, had diversified 
investments. What happened? 
MCMAHON: It was visions of sugarplums. 
It was, “Look how successful I am! I 
guess I really am somebody.” I got in- 
volved with people who weren't that 
bright and let them tell me that I need- 
ed tax shelters. There was a construction 
company, a horse farm, a cement plant, 
and it all went belly-up. I felt bad about 
the bankruptcy. I wanted to pay what 1 
owed, but there were other people in- 
volved, and finally the banks wrote it 
all off. 

PLAYBOY: Later you had some trouble 
with the IRS. 

MCMAHON: I have withstood numerous 
IRS investigations. They've never found 
anything against me, because there's 
nothing to find. I've always remembered 
when my dad fronted money for some 
people before a light-heavyweight fight. 
A certain party out of New York couldn't 
show his money, so my dad fronted the 
money. Laundered it through his com- 
pany. so the money could be legitimate. 
PLAYBOY: A fixed fight? 

MCMAHON: Yes. Afier that came a grand 
jury investigation, which my dad with- 
stood. And then, just when he thought 
he was off the hook, knock, knock! It was 
the IRS. 

I can still see my dad during that time, 
saying, “Goddamn it, if I could just ger 
through this I'd pay every nickel I owe 
and then some. I just want to be able to 
sleep at night.” I remember the anguish 
on his face when he said it. So | adopt- 
ed his philosophy, and I sleep at night. 
In terms of taxes, anyhow. I’m not wild 
about sleep. 

PLAYBOY: How many hours a night do 
you sleep? 

MCMAHON: About five. It takes me forev- 
er to go to sleep. I get frustrated and 
sweat a lot and think, Damn it, you've 
got to get up in two hours, you stupid 
son of a bitch. You've got to be at your 
best tomorrow. Finally, I learned that if 
your mind is going to race, you might as 
well enjoy the ride. Watch the visions. 
It's a colorful show. I'm also learning 
that as 1 get older, my dreams get less 
violent. 

PLAYBOY: Are we talking video game-style 
violence? 

MCMAHON: Not the sort you want to re- 
member. Now they re changing, though. 
Now they're more typical, R-rated. 
PLAYBOY: R for sex or violence? 
MCMAHON: Both. 

PLAYBOY: About 18 months ago you were 
in a violent motorcycle crash. 

MCMAHON: I'm a guy who gets more out 
of life than some people—more out of 
one big breath of fresh air than most 
people get from breathing in and out for 
a lifetime. Bungee jumping in Germany 
went OK, but the last time 1 rode a mo- 
torcycle 1 ran into an idiot in a Volvo sta- 
tion wagon. It was July 3, 1999. I was on 


а Boss Hoss, a motorcycle with a Chevy 
V8 engine. Enormous power. Not enor 
mous speed—I've been on it at 150 miles 
an hour; it won't go much faster—but 
great acceleration. Zero to 60 in some- 
thing like a second and a half. Having 
that much power between your legs, it's 
like having а 12-foot penis. But I had a 
little accident. I was coming down а sec- 
ondary road, going about 45, when this 
idiot backed out of a blind driveway. I hit 
the Volvo and it launched me. It was just 
a question of how I was going to land. 
That's when my training in the ring 
helped me. Up in the air I was conscious 
of where the ground was, and Г made 
sure I didn't land on my head. It’s like 
taking a back drop or some other wres- 
ding move: You might not hit just right, 
but you can manage to land pretty flat 
PLAYBOY: You dispersed the impact. 
MCMAHON: Right, and again, ¡Us like be- 
ing in the ring—you don't realize you're 
hurt at first, because you've got your 
adrenaline going. You don't know you're 
hurt until you try to bounce up, and you 
can't. The bike was uphill from me, gaso- 
line pouring out on me. So I had my mo- 
tivation: 1 was going to try not to burn to 
death. Got up. Walked, kind of. I had 
broken my tailbone, which wasn't the 
big problem, because bones heal pret- 
ty fast. The big problem was that my 
pelvis was separated. It felt like I'd giv- 
en birth to a 20-pound baby. Got out of 


there, though, and it didn’t keep me 
from working. 

PLAYBOY: You've alluded to feeling older 
in recent years. How's your libido? 
MCMAHON: Lam а giver. Whether it’s рег- 
forming in the ring or sexually, that's 
how 1 get off. 1 give. I get off on the 
number of orgasms a woman has, when 
I'm the reason she’s having them. 
PLAYBOY: What's the record? 

MCMAHON: [Pauses] You know, you might 
not be sure when you're younger. She 
could be like Meg Ryan in When Harry 
Met Sally. When you're older, you can 
generally tell. Not just from sound, but 
physically 

PLAYBOY: Muscular interaction 
MCMAHON: There you go. You can't fake 
that. To answer your question . . . proba- 
bly six. Which is pretty damn good 
PLAYBOY: How long does that take? 
MCMAHON: Over the course of an hour. 
See, I love women. A woman's body is 
so complex and so beautiful, and it's 
not just her body. It’s her mind. To be 
responsible for а woman becoming ab- 
solutely without inhibition, surrender- 
ing in that way—thar's about the coolest 
thing in the world. I'm not a guy who 
just appreciates a woman's physicality, 
either. My wife is chief executive officer 
of the company not because her last 
name is McMahon, but because she's the 
best one for the job. You would think the 
WWE is a bastion of male domination, 


but it's not. I am a women's rights advo- 
cate. I'm big on equal pay, all that stuff 
It's the right thing to do and it's good 
business. 

PLAYBOY: Linda's not the only family 
member who's in the business. Your son, 
Shane, and daughter, Stephanie, work 
on both sides of the camera. Few fans 
know that Stephanie, whois a major part 
of the on-air story line, still works behind 
the scenes, in ad sales. 

MCMAHON: If your name is McMahon, 
you have a day job and a night job 
Stephanie's now segueing out of sales in- 
to creative. She's going to head up the 
creative division 

PLAYBOY: Her night job gets rowdy. Is it 
annoying to hear fans yelling, "Slut!" and 
"Stephanie swallows!” at her? 

MCMAHON: Not at all. You can't think, 
"That's my daughter they're referring to. 
It's a character. As the father of the per- 
son who plays that character, I think 
she's getting a response. She must be 
doing a hell of a job. You know what 
my worry is? That she might get hurt, 
just as I worry about Shane or any of 
the performers. They all take big risks 
out there. 

PLAYBOY: Shane came back after getting 
hurt in a fall ata SummerSlam show, car- 
rying on the family tradition. But there's 
one story about a time he was scared to 
death. He was four years old. 

MCMAHON: [Grinning] Linda and 1 have 


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been married for 34 years now, but we're 
really different. She would always read 
to the kids at night. I'd make up stories 
for them, and my stories were full of 
action. Couldn't help и. They've just 
had their bath and they smell so good, 
they're tucked into their little beds and 
they're so sweet that you just want to 
eat them. Га tell them a story, kiss them 
goodnight, and they would be absolutely 
wired. Linda would have to calm them 
down. So Shane was scared one night. 
He thought Dracula was in the closet. 
I said, “Oh yeah? Watch this.” I went 
in that closet and started growling and 
yelling. having a battle. I threw a little 
furniture. Now Shane's really scared to 
death, until finally his dad walks out of 
the closet. I said, “Son, you never have to 
worry about Dracula again. Dracula's 
dead.” 
PLAYBOY: How are you as a husband? 
MCMAHON: 1 tease Linda about the sacri- 
fices I've made for my marriage, but she 
has made enormous sacrifices. When 
Linda and I got married, I promised her 
two things: that Га always love her and 
that there would never be a boring mo- 
ment. I’ve lived up to both promises. I 
have always been . . . loyal. 
PLAYBOY: And faithful? 
MCMAHON: Not necessarily faithful. 1 
probably lied to myself, thinking she 
knew who I was when we got married. 
The wild guy. But I never, ever threw 
anything in her face. 1 was discreet. And 
Linda never suffered from a lack of at- 
tention, physical or emotional. But one 
day she asked me, point-blank, “Are you 
having an affair with so-and-so?” And 
Гуе never lied to her. 

"Yes" 

Itcrushed her. Then she asked, "What 
about such and such?" 

“Yes” 

It went on. More names. I said, “Yes, 
yes and yes.” 
PLAYBOY: Were your affairs at different 
times or concurrent? 
MCMAHON: Different times. Some were 
concurrent, but I didn't think she had to 
know that. She didn't ask that question 
or I'd have had to say yes to that, too. It’s 
not something I'm proud of. I just didn't 
realize the impact of messing with other 
people's lives. Notwithstanding the im- 
pact on my wife, I'm talking about the 
havoc you create in other lives, just from 
wanting to have a good time. There's no 
such thing as an innocent fling. When а 
woman commits to a sexual encounter, 
it’s generally with a great deal of emo- 
tion. With very few exceptions, it's not 
just, “Let's have sex! Boy, that was great. 
OK, see you.” Women don't do that. So 1 
guess, maybe . . . I hurt a lot of people. 
The sex was terrific, but from an emo- 
tional standpoint, I regret it. 
PLAYBOY: Did you change? 
MCMAHON: I learned about the ramifica- 
tions of a sexual relationship, if you're 


married. You're touching a lot of lives, 
mostly negatively. You think, It was just 
supposed to be sexual. We were sup- 
posed to have a great time and be better 
off. But it’s always more complicated 
than that. It can interfere with your own 
life, too. Having an affair, running off 
here and there, can take a lot of energy. 
It takes a lot of effort, a lot of time. The 
last five or six years, I've found that I not 
only appreciate my wife more, but I can 
get a hell of a lot more done. 
PLAYBOY: You don't cheat anymore? 
MCMAHON: I have been not only loyal but 
faithful for about six years. Linda and 1 
have a great marriage, and I don't want 
to screw it up. I’m not saying I don't 
look. I'm not saying I won't fall off the 
wagon one day. I hope not, because of all 
the complications and because 1 would 
have to tell her if she asked me. But oth- 
er than for the innate id, I don’t have a 
desire to go outside our relationship. 
And if I'm on the road for more than 
three days, you know I'm flying after- 
ward to where Linda is. 
PLAYBOY: You're always on the move. 
Were you hyperactive as a kid? 
MCMAHON: Maybe. When Shane had al- 
leged learning disabilities in high school, 
we put him on Ritalin. When I was in 
school there was no Ritalin. Attention 
deficit disorder hadn't been discovered, 
so I was just a bad kid. 
PLAYBOY: A little Ritalin in 1960 might 
have changed the course of American 
entertainment. 
MCMAHON: [Laughing] That's one drug 
I've escaped. Maybe 1 had learning dis- 
abilities, or maybe 1 was just starved for 
attention, striving to be liked. 
PLAYBOY: Your wrestlers have been get- 
ting more attention lately. A couple of 
years ago Ted Turner, Time Warner and 
their World Championship Wrestling 
beat your WWF in the ratings for 88 
weeks in a row. Now you kill them week 
after week. How fun is it to body-slam 
Turner like that? 
MCMAHON: What happened was that the 
superstars we created got bought off by 
‘Ted Turner. When their WWF contracts 
came up, Ted opened his checkbook and 
paid them up to 10 times what we were 
paying. I had a fraternal, we're-brothers 
relationship with our stars, guys like 
Hulk Hogan, and I never thought they 
would leave. They gave me every person- 
al assurance that they wouldn't. But ex- 
orbitant money can change minds. It’s 
not easy competing with a billionaire and 
‘Time Warner. Still, we knew we could 
create new stars, and this time around 
we'd keep them, knowing that the guys 
Ted bought would get old quickly. Look- 
ing back, yes, there was a brief time when 
the superstars Ted purchased almost 
in bulk and the promotional machine 
he owned—CNN, TBS, TNT, the NBA 
package, the NFL package, which he had 
for a while—all combined to put him 


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ahead. But how far ahead? An average of 
20 percent, or at the most 25. It's not the 
crushing situation you see now, when we 
have new stars and their superstars are 
old and jaded and don't want to work. As 
my dad would say, the wrinkles are out of 
their bellies. They're no longer hungry 
At Time Warner, they don’t understand 
the creative process. They have never 
been able to create stars, but Ted buys 
things. He's always been like that. By the 
way, he has tried to buy the WWF on 
many occasions. 

PLAYBOY: What's the prognosis for Tur- 
ner's WCW? 

MCMAHON: | understand it's for sale. 
PLAYBOY: You interested? 

MCMAHI 'ossibly. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you're on top, has the 
WWF been getting a little less raunchy? 
MCMAHON: On balance, we've never been 
raunchy. I'd say we are certainly more 
mainstream that we were several years 
ago, and we have pushed the envelope 
too far a few times. A couple years ago 
we did that with a character called Sexu- 
al Chocolate. It was an S&M parody in 
which Sexual Chocolate was surprised to 
learn the person gratifying him was a 
male. Some of the audience got it as hu- 
mor, but some felt like, How do 1 explain 
this to my young son or daughter? So 
maybe we pushed it too far. There was 
no reason to go there. But there will al- 
ways be sexuality in the product. We're a 
variety show, soap opera, rock concert, 
action-adventure with a little Comedy 
Central thrown in and with charismat- 
ic world-class athletes performing their 
feats in the ring. There has never been 
anything quite like this, and you can't 
copy it. It can't be copied because there's 
no formula. It's living and breathing. 
PLAYBOY: Some of your critics say it's dis- 
gusting. Phil Mushnick of the New York 
Post calls you a pornographer. 
MCMAHON: Look, we have a huge demo. 
Fifteen percent of our prime-time audi- 
ence is 12 and under. Fifteen percent is 
12 to 18. That's 30 percent who are 18 
and under, while 70 percent is your old- 
er audience. Who do you write for? Re- 
member, we're part of the cable uni 
verse, where you've got The Sopranos, Sex 
and the City. Compared with a lot of 
what's on cable, the WWF actually leans 
to the conservative side. Phil Mushnick? 
He's so right-wing that everybody laughs 
at him. Even in the New York Post recent- 
ly, there was only one pro-Mushnick let- 
ter. All the rest were pro-WWF, saying, 
"Phil, grow up. Who the hell arc you to 
view the WWF the way you doin this day 
and age?" Jerk. Phil writes his opinion, 
but he never calls us before he writes 
He's been invited up here. Won't come, 
won't meet me anywhere. Hello, Phil? 
Wake up! It's the real world! 

PLAYBOY: Your shows feature talk about 
“puppies” and “tit 
MCMAHON: We don't say “tits.” We use 
“puppies,” a cute term for breasts. It's not 


meant to be derogatory. Га say "tits" is 
vulgar, but “puppies” is cute terminology. 
PLAYBOY: But the fans yell about tits. And 
the signs fans hold up at your Monday 
night show, Raw Is War, aren't just about 
puppies. 
MCMAHON: If we see a sign that's objec- 
tionable or obscene, we'll take it away. 
We're scanning the crowd, but some- 
times there are 20,000 people there. You 
might see some signs that should not 
be there, especially on the live show 
Monday night. As much as I appreciate 
freedom of expression, we will ask the 
person not to display that sign. If he dis- 
plays it anyway, we'll say, “You know 
what? We're going to bribe you now 
Would you like to have this Stone Cold 
T-shirt for free? Give me that fucking 
sign.” Generally it works. 
PLAYBOY: Last year you were charged 
with hypocrisy for refusing to allow ads 
for the documentary Beyond the Mat to 
run during WWE broadcasts. How do 
you explain that? 
MCMAHON: As a business decision. You 
want 10 know what happened? Ron How 
ard is one of my neighbors. Not that I 
know Ron well, but he called me and 
said Vince, Га like you to meet this 
He wants to do a documentary.” 
hae s how 1 heard about Barry Blau- 
stein. 1 figured it would Бе а great posi- 
tive. But when Linda and I went to a pri- 
vate screening, we found out it's so bad. 
It's the underbelly of the wrestling busi- 
ness in the early Eighties. You've got 
Jake the Snake off doing blow, and the 
movie winds up with one of our charac- 
ters, Mick Foley—Mankind—bleeding 
everywhere. I think it was a Royal Rum- 
ble event in Anaheim. Foley's kids are in 
the audience, along with his wife, and 
the camera's on them. Now, Mick's wife 
has scen him in a lot worse condition, 
but here she is screaming so much that 
the kids—who shouldn't have been there 
for this—are reacting to her hysterical 
screams. It turned me off so badly. I'm 
thinking, Barry, you and 1 have com- 
pletely different visions of the business. 

In the early Eighties, and certainly 
before then, it was viewed as a six-pack 
and a blow job. But today’s performer is 
more sophisticated, educated. He's on 
the Internet after his match, or playing 
video pans Or he wants to watch tape 
to study his performance. He does not 
go to the bar. So few of our performers 
even drink, much less do drugs and oth- 
er things that were once run-of-the-mill. 
So to see Mick and his kids and his wife 
in that movie was a real downer. 

Even before that screening, 1 had wold 
Barry and his backers, “You're using our 
characters, our trademarks. But none of 
our performers got paid. You're not pay- 
ing the company. Let us buy in—I'll pay 
half the production costs.” We were de- 
nied. I told them, “Look, you know we 
control all the advertising in our vehi- 
cles.” We have for years, because we 


didn't want Turner or anyone else capi- 
talizing on our hard work. We can't con- 
trol Ford or Chevy, but we control the 
wrestling genre. So I'm trying to strong- 
arm Barry and his studio. I tell them, “If 
you don't let us in, you won't have access 
10 our vehicle.” I guess they didn't be- 
lieve me. Ron Howard said, “You know, 
Vince, sometimes out there in Holly- 
wood you make bad deals, and you have 
to live with them." But this wasn't one I 
had to ith. And my decision wasn't 
an editorial one, even though I didn't 
like the movie. There's plenty of stuff we 
do that I'm not in love with, but the au- 
dience likes it. So this wasn't censorship. 
It was financial. It was, “You guys didn't 
let us in, even when I was willing to buy 
our way in, so fuck you. You raped me 
once, you don't get the privilege of rap- 
ing me twice. Fuck you. You can't adver- 
tise inside our vehicle.” 

PLAYBOY: Tell us about fear. You're not 
afraid of Ted Turner or Dracula. Whar 
scares you? 

MCMAHON: I was scared of the United 
States government when 1 pissed off the 
Justice Department and they trampled 
оп my rights. They accused me of some- 
thing I didn't do. 

ou were charged with conspir- 
ing to distribute steroids. You original- 
ly faced six charges but were ultimately 
cleared of all of them. 

MCMAHON: And they were the ones who 
had been coming to me with a plea bar- 
gain! It’s supposed to work the other 
way—the accused goes to the govern- 
ment. But they came to me, and 1 said, 
“Fuck you.” Those were my exact words. 
I tried to call Attorney General Janet 
Reno but never got through, which is 
probably a good thing. 

PLAYBOY: Have you worked out any plans 
to hand over the s of the WWF to 
Shane and Stephanie? 

MCMAHON: Depends on what you mean 
by the reins. We'll be doing films, mu- 
sic—there's a lot to keep me busy, like 
this little thing called the XFL. But if 
I bust tonight, Shane and Stephanie 
and Linda will make sure the business 
goes on. 

PLAYBOY: When you do step aside, will 
you write a death scene for your alter 
ego, the evil Mr. McMahon? 

MCMAHON: A death scene? No, that 
wouldn't be reality. Unless . . . you know 
what? I believe in the laws of nature. 
When it's time for me to go, I would like 
to be devoured by the biggest, baddest 
carnivore that ever walked the face of 
the earth. And then ГА like that son of 
a bitch to get indigestion and vomit my 
remains back up. 
PLAYBOY: A romantic 
MCMAHON: Yep. 
PLAYBOY: And you know you'd get 
MCMAHON: Great ratings. 


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70 


the new spacewalkers are 
hard hat astronauts who can hang ten 
—and use hammers—while they're 
orbiting the earth 


article By Mark Bowden 


he damn thing wobbled. The satellite 
floated like some giant oil barrel kicked 
overboard at sea, only it was 18 feet tall 
and 12 feet wide and the sea shone 300 

miles below. 
Astronauts Pierre Thuot and Richard 
Hieb had trained for years to nab this floating bar- 
rel—a stranded multimillion-dollar communica- 
tions relay known as Intelsat VI (F-3)—and direct 
it into the open bay doors of the space shuttle 
Endeavour. They had practiced every move they 
would make in this daring space walk, rehearsing 
almost daily for months in the vast pools and vir- 
tual-reality simulators of the Lyndon B. Johnson 
Space Center in Houston. But no matter how hard 
you plan and how much you think about working 
weightless, nothing fully prepares you for the ex- 
perience. Up here, the rules of physics are not the 
familiar ones that are hardwired into your body 
and brain, not the rules that governed the growth 


* of the illustrious human body inside this bulky 


space suit from single cell to astronaut, but the 
clean abstractions of textbooks, where every action 
has an equal and opposite reaction. Sometimes 
surprisingly equal, and immediately opposite. . 


5 . e 
б 


PLAYBOY 


72 


The idea was for Thuot to stand оп 
the end of the great arm extending 
from the shuttle's cargo bay, his feet se- 
cured with restraints and heel and toe 
clips, and then hang his ass out over 
the edge in a far more literal way than 
ever imagined by the old test pilots 
who popularized the expression. With 
the whole of the Adantic Ocean and the 
west coast of Africa rolling brilliantly 
from toe to heel, he would ride the arm 
out to the slowly rotating black cylin- 
der and attach a 15-foot-long capture 
bar to its bottom. There was a steering 
wheel built into the capture bar that 
would enable Thuot to gently brake 
the cylinder’s slow rotation. Thus stabi- 
lized, the errant satellite could then be 
drawn gently into the cargo bay for re- 
pair. The steps in this procedure had 
been thought through and practiced so 
often that one could hardly conceive of 
anything surprising happening. 

Except the damn thing wobbled. As 
massive as a small house, weighing four 
and a half tons on earth, the giant E 
barrel behaved exactly like a sj 
top. Whenever Thuot touched it st 
the capture bar and began to apply the 
brakes to its spin, the cylinder didn't 
just slow, it started to wobble, drunken- 
ly, as a top does when it loses its mo- 
mentum. Thuot pulled back quickly 
and ground controllers fired the lurch- 
ing satellite's tiny stabilizing rockets, 
nudging it back into a stable spin. If the 
wobble disintegrated into a tumble, not 
only would it be impossible to snare the 
satellite, but it would pose a threat to 
him, the shuttle floating alongside and 
the six other members of his crew. 

It was May 10, 1992. NASA was on 
the verge of a spectacular failure. If 
there were a defining moment for the 
current generation of NASA astro- 
nauts, this was it. The single-combat 
knights of the Sixties’ rocket-jock corps 
have evolved into magnificently over- 
qualified construction workers—hard 
hats in space hefting huge compo- 
nents like giant soap bubbles, special- 
ists in what astronaut Bill McArthur 
calls “really high steel.” Six years hence 
they would embark on the first major 
construction project in orbit, the In- 
ternational Space Station, the central 
truss of which was delivered and in- 
stalled last year. But when Thuot and 
Hieb encountered this giant wobbling 
barrel in orbit nine years ago, the Space 
Station was still on the drawing boards, 
and the idea of building something 
huge up there was untested. There was 
no new tincture of Right Stuff to de- 
fine the hard hat generation of astro- 
nauts—that is, until one man stepped 
up on that mission to pluck the giant 
black barrel out of orbit, a man now 
considered the prototype of the mod- 
ern astronaut, the Chuck Yeager of the 


new ziggurat. His name is Tom Akers. 
Intelsat V1, the giant black cylinder, 
was the latest in a series of high-fly- 
ing communications satellites designed 
to keep the growing global cell- iphone 
culture connected; и could handle 
120,000 phone conversations simulta- 
neously. But this link in the global In- 
telsat system had been floating useless- 
ly in space ever since the second stage 
of its Titan booster rocket had failed to 
separate two years earlier. Instead of 
reaching its assigned slot in the heav- 
ens some 22,000 miles up, where it 
would fly in geosynchronous orbit— 
that is, hold its position by orbiting at 
the same speed as the planet's rota- 
tion—it was stranded here at a relative- 
ly pedestrian 300-mile altitude. Res- 
cuing this garage-size satellite worth 
the gross national product of a small 
nation was the practical raison d'étre of 
this 47th Space Shuule flight. It would 
provide the best illustration yet of 
the shuttle’s usefulness. To fail would 
be more than a humiliation for NASA 


and the astronauts aboard Endeavou 
would not only suggest the futili 
trying to capture and repair satelli 
promising role for future shuttle mis- 
sions, but also call into question the 
entire issue of man working in space 
and hence the Space Station and all fur- 
ther manned space exploration. The 
future of man in space would not have 
ground to a halt if the crew failed to 
snare Intelsat VI, but the error would 
have presented a setback when NASA 
had planned on a triumph. 

So after the first space walk failed— 
four tries took three hours and 43 min- 
utes—Thuot and Hieb retreated into 
the air lock, desuited, huddled elec- 
tronically with the geeks in Houston 
and the rest of the shuttle crew, includ- 
ing Akers, and planned a different 
strategy. The next day they gave it an- 
other shot. This time they tried five 
times, maintaining the space walk for 
five hours and 30 minutes, and every 
damn time they touched it, the big 
black cylinder began to wobble. 

‘Akers watched this frustrating exer- 
cise from inside the shuule. He was a 


wiry man with a slow Missouri drawl 
who was, at 40, а few years older than 
most astronauts. An Air Force colonel 
and former test pilot, he had a master's 
degree in applied mathematics, but he 
had also worked as a park ranger and 
spent four years as a high school prin- 
al in his hometown of Eminence, 
Missouri. He still loved to teach and 
planned to return to it when he fin- 
ished space traveling. But he had an- 
other qualification that prior to this 
mission wasn't seen as anything spe- 
cial. He was a tinkerer, an unreformed 
grease monkey. Akers’ idea of a relax- 
ing weekend was lying under an old 
car with a wrench in his hand. He had 
never lost his childhood passion for 
fixing things, be they cars, ТУ sets or 
toaster ovens. Akers had been an astro- 
naut for five years at that point and 
had already flown on one shuule flight. 
Watching the fiasco out the window, he 
began doing what he did best—sketch- 
ing out notions, trying to work out a 
practical solution with the tools at hand. 

“It wasn't just me,” Akers says, who 
Баз retired and gone back to teaching 
in Missouri. “It was a group effort that 
included not just the crew members 
but also the folks on the ground. Bruce 
Melnick [another mission specialist} is 
the one who came up with the idea of 
sending three people out.” 

If the cylinder could be grabbed si- 
multaneously at three points, it might 
stop the wobble cold. But this was easi- 
er said than done. The mission called 
for only one astronaut to ride out on 
the arm to the satellite and connect the 
control bar. How were three astronauts 
to do it? Remember, every action in 
space is choreographed more diligent- 
ly than at the Bolshoi ballet. It takes a 
committee to determine the most el 
cient technique for blowing your nose. 
Getting NASA to forget years of plan- 
ning and practice to try something оп 
the spur of the moment was hard 
enough, but authorizing an impromp- 
tu three-man extravehicular activity 
and figuring out how to deliver out to 
the Intelsat not just one more astro- 
naut but two was like asking a 500- 
pound tortoise to do a back 

“When we posed the possibility, they 
didn’t like the idea,” recalls Akers. 
"The system was not set up for a three- 
man EVA.” 

There were not enough umbilical 
lines to handle the three astronauts at 
once. The radio system in the EVA 
space suits had only two frequencies, 
complicating communications. Most 
important, the third astronaut would 
need a place to stand. It is said that one 
needs a place to stand in order to move 
the world; in space, one needs a place 
to stand to do anything. Only Thuot 

(continued on page 143) 


“I think you should know I don't swallow on the first date.” 


73 


amy.cobb 
caught 
‘а wave ` 
and: won te 


MY COBB Was a rebellious 5'10" year-old in South Caro- 
Al lina when she was discovered by a New York modelin 

agency. With her mom's support, she gave the Big Apple a 
try. “But New York is not my place,” says Cobb, now 21. “So I 
thought, Why don't you try Miami? It just felt good. It was crazy 
and wild, and the beach was there. I was always a beach baby.’ 
still makes a living at modeling, but surfing is her passion. Her 
mer boyfriend, “who's now my best friend,” she says, taught her. 

‘Surfing is his life. To see him enjoy it so much, 1 was like, Wow! If 

it can make him feel that good, 1 want to do it!” She learned fast. 
“I just got better and better,” she quips. Now, if the waves are 
good, she’s hanging 10 at 6:30 every morning. The sport, she says, 
has changed her physically and mentally. “My arms, shoulders and 
lats have changed so much, I'm like a different person. They just 
grew and grew. Once you've been surfing for a while, and you're 
doing maneuvers, you'll start building leg muscle. But until then 
it’s all about paddling.” Surfing has mellowed her, too. "You could 
have been bitten by a shark and you would still go surfing, The 
feeling you get is awesome. You're riding something that has trav- 
eled thousands of miles to break on the shore where you are. Just 
to know that you're in the power of the ocean is mysterious and 
breathtaking. As long as there's surfing, I'm happy.” 


“Surfing not only mellows you out, but it olso gives you on entirely differ- 
ent view of the world. You reolize there’s so much more out there. All 
the surfers | know want to trovel ond see the world becouse they wont to 
find the perfect wove. Surfing ollows you to see thot life is life, ond you 
need to live it ond enjoy it. You need to do your thing while you con.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


“I'm from the South, so marriage is 
important, though not right owoy. 
I'm ottracted to intelligence, ond a 
guy with gools and motivation. | like 


someone who realizes that you learn | 


things every doy. You never stop leam- 


ing until the day you die, so it 
possible for you to know everythin: 
don't core if you went to Horverd or 
have oll the money in the world—that 
doesn't meon everything.” 


ПИШИ. o o M 


FIND OUT AMY'S SECRETS TO SEXY SHREDDING 
AT PLAYBON RENT 


Amy hos modeled for magazines from Surfing Girl to Vogue, but she doesn’t like 
doing runway shows. "There's nothing on me that's fake. I'm oll real. And I'm 
not emaciated like the rest of the models. The whole emaciated thing grosses 
me out. | really don't dig it. I'm 5'11" and weigh 130 pounds, but compared with 
the rest of those chicks, I'm way bigger. But I've always thought I wos pretty.” 


rts dissect the real 


Expe 


he television producers didn't 

want it made public, but it 

took only four days for the 

first castaways to flee their 
island and check into a hotel. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. They 
had come to this remote island, а home 
to beasts but not to man, to test them- 
selves—to confront their strengths and 
weaknesses, armed only with their wits, 
resourcefulness and the barest of essen- 
tials. Not all of them would stay the 
course; not everyone would emerge a sur- 
vivor. But big rewards beckoned, along 
with that priceless modern commodity— 
fame—because the whole ordeal was be- 
ing filmed for a television show. 

They settled in for a stay of days, 
weeks, however long it took. Then they 
started to realize just how difficult 
their task was, It rained. their shelter was 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN REA 


e 


O what: the ^ 


castaways had help? 
So what if it wasn't really survival at all? 


drame-and comedy- 


behind the scenes 


makeshift. they had to scrounge for food 
and some of them didn't even like one 
another. 

So they left. After less than a week on 
the island. the first of them hopped on- 
to production helicopters and boats and 
headed for the nearest town. The crew 
and network tried to cover it up—it 
wouldn't help if the television audience 
knew that these adventurers were actual- 
ly staying in hotel rooms, ordering room 
service and hanging out in bars. 

But when the news finally leaked. the 
network was unapologetic. "This is not a 
Robinson Crusoe situation." it said. "We 
have always been clear that these are 
21st century people with 2151 century 
concerns." 

By the way. the network that admitted 
as much was not CBS, and these reluctant 
survivors-to-be were not the survivors 


you may have seen atop the Nielsen rat- 
ings. We're not talking about Rich. Rudy. 
Gervase and Jenna here, nor about the 
contestants on round two of the show. 
Survivor: The Australian Outback. which 
kicks off after the Super Bowl. These were 
three dozen English men, women and chil- 
dren recruited to live in hardship on the 
remote Scottish isle of Taransay for the 
BBC series Castaway 2000. 

So how come Brits—the people who 
survived the Blitz—couldn't hack it and 
the Yanks could. roughing it for up to five 
and a half weeks on the Malaysian island 
of Pulau Tiga with nothing but grit. desire. 
some rudimentary tools 
and the dulcet tones of 
Jeff Probst to keep them 
company and put it all in 
context? 


Well, yeah, 
they had all 
that. That. and 
a few other 
things. courtesy 


of a few last-minute phone calls. 

"The producers called us before they 
were scheduled to go out and shoot,” 
says Ford Church. operations manager of 
the Boulder Outdoor Survival School, 
“and had a bunch of questions that hon- 
estly scared us. They were asking. “How 
much food should we give these guys? 
What kind of gear should we make avail- 
able to them?’ And I'm thinking. You're 
leaving in three days to go shoot this 
thing and you don’t know this stuff?” 

But the Survivor producers finally fig- 
ured out what to pack for their 16 
castaways. Included was what survival- 
skills teacher Tom Brown, who runs Tom 


س 


Brown's Tracker School in New Jersey. 
calls “a cornucopia of supplies”: 

® Canteens and drinking water. purified 
and tested every morning by the produc- 
tion crew. ^ 

* Medical supplies. includ- ғ 
ing Band-Aids. antidiarrheal | 
tablets. Betadine, aspirin. pre- 
scription medications. plus 
two doctors and a medical 
crew standing by to treat any- 
thing serious. 

* An unlimited supply of 
sunscreen, bug repellent, tam- 
pons. contact lens solution 
and sanitized hand wipes. Plus condoms. 


e Casks of rice and a small supply of e 9 
canned food (which were gone, says a "eger 
crew member, inside of a week). Chewing 
gum, too. Private citizens who become princes 


® Blankets. rope and 
string. baskets and buck- 
ets, oars. pots and pans. 
machetes. hatchets, fish 
traps, rat traps, netting. 


© purely by good fortune do so with little exertion (б 
on their own part; but subsequently they maintain 
their position only by considerable exertion. 
© They make the journey as if they had wings; their $ 

problems start when they alight. 
—Niecolo Machiavelli, The Prince, Chapter ИИ 


wood planks. chicken wire. 

* The personal “luxury item” that each 
castaway was allowed to bring. which in- 
cluded a ukulele, a Bible. a deck of cards. а 
bag of craft beads and a razor (so New 
York neurologist Sean Keniff could indulge 
in that favorite pastime of true survival- 
ists everywhere: shaving his chest). 

* The rewards of various competitions: 
three egg-laying chickens, baskets of fruit. 
a loaded spice rack, a hunting knife. a 
mask. snorkel, fins and spear for fishing, 
pillows, hammocks. a can opener. match- 
es, more canned food. chocolate. And a 
few lavish dinners, be they on a yacht, on 
a nearby island, at a "local ber" (actually a 
stage set filled with playacting locals, de- 
signed to be just realistic enough to fool 
a woman who'd been stuck on Pulau Ti- 
ga for a month) or on the beach. (The 
fact that the castaways who won these 
repasts often threw them up afterward 
did not diminish the zeal with which 
they ate.) 

e Items that mysteriously showed up 
during the (text continued on page 134) 


E SEO о о 9000.5 


ACTUAL SURVIVAL FAKE SURVIVAL 
IN THE WILD ON TV 


E Р LE з Follow the “Sacred Order”: Follow the “Survivor motto”: outwit, 
shelter, then water, then fire. — outplay. outlast. 


we'd like to see on NE eo 
“e Survivor 2 


Protect yourself from the Protect yourself from Jeff Probst. 
elements. 


EMERIL LAGASSE Find a way to gather Don't forget the canteens they 
He could make even kangaroo meat and carry water. Bave you. 
taste good. Build a fire Build a secret alliance. 
CHER Fish for food. Fish for leverage. 
Is she the ultimate survivor К 
or what? Eat bugs to live. Eat bugs to win the immunity 
challenge. 
He's PEERS АК CHORRAT get Set traps to attract prey. Shave your chest to attract an agent. 
greedy with the rice. N Beware of hypothermia. Beware of Rudy when he’s cranky. 


If necessary, make clothes out Make tough wardrobe decisions: the 
of bark and leaves. black sports bra or the red tankini? 


KEITH RICHARDS 
He's been on borrowed time for 
decades; clearly he has a foolproof 
survival scheme. 


JUDGE JUDY 


She won't take shit from anyone. 


CARSON DALY 
Just because we'd enjoy seeing him 
voted off. 


DR. KEVORKIAN 
(a) He's a doctor. (b) He might come in 
handy if someone gets too annoying. 


ANGELINA JOLIE 
If she can sleep with Billy Bob. having 
rats crawl over her won't be a 


Remember to cover up during Remember not to hog the free 
the hottest part of the day. sunscreen. 


Identify the tribe's leaders and Identify the tribe's leaders and vote 
benefit from their knowledge. them off the island. 


Rely heavily on the advice of Make fun of the doctor for his stupid 
the doctor in the group. alphabetical voting system. 


Avoid the beach when sand Avoid the beach when Rich is naked. 
fleas are most active. 


Fashion an SOS symbol. Call for help on Greg's coconut 
phone. 


Pray for a rescue. Pray for a 40 share. 


problem. 
BOBBY KNIGHT HOW TO REALLY PREPARE 
To liven things up. FOR SURVIVOR 2 
CHYNA 
Somebody has to do the heavy lifting. BOOKS: 
ANNE HECHE The nas by Sun Tzu 
е Prince 


Already skilled at wandering 
aimlessly through sparsely 
populated terrain. 


BILL CLINTON 
He needs a project. 


by Niccolo Machiavelli 
How to Win Friends and 
Influence People 
by Dale Carnegie 


PAM ANDERSON MOVIES: GAMES: 
Visual motivation for the rest Alive Risk 
of the team; she survived marriage Lord of the Flies Sim City 3000 
to Tommy Lee. o All About Eve Chess 
TED NUGENT © 
At least he knows how to hunt. < 
RUPERT EVERETT < 
You got to have a gay guy. © 
RUDY BOESCH M 
Because he was the best thing S 


about Survivor 1. < 


“Somebody gave me this power tie. I forgot who.” 


TOP OF THE LOT 


Climb out of the trenches. There’s a place be- 
tween the rock-and-roll fashions and baseball 
caps of Korn clones and the buttoned-up, but- 
toned-down Wall Street drones. It’s a place 
where businesswear is more casual than ever 
and casualwear is more sophisticated. Call it 
cold-weather cool. The point is, you can revel 
in winter. It’s a chance to mix different ma- 
terials, like suede, fleece and corduroy. It’s 
a time to experiment with visual textures as 


- 


well. One of the most daring ways is with the 
rejuvenated Burberry plaid—or a pattern in- 
spired by it. These days shirt-and-tie goes well 
with a leather jacket—there's no need for a 
suit and overcoat. It's all in how you work the 
layers. And rumpled isn't necessarily sloppy. 
Softer silhouettes have replaced hard-edged, 
futuristic Matrix-wear. New outerwear is prac- 
tical, soft and warm. These jackets go down 
easy—a little hot-buttered rum for your closct. 


This page: Olivi 
leans in layers. He's 
wearing а turtleneck 
by DKNY, sweater by 
Helmut Lang and inner 


gloves, on the hood of 
the Toyata Solara, are 
by Emparia Armani. 
Where there's smoke, 
there's Katya. She's 

in a dress by DEG, 
sunglasses by Gucci 
and а jacket by Em- 
poria Armani. 


Opposite page: "I can't 
hear you very well— 
there's some girl be- 

hind me whistling and 
meowing at passers- 
by,” says Olivier. He's 
in a turtleneck by Cyn- 
thia Rowley, pants by 
Ron Chereskin, boats 
by DKNY and peacoat 
by Perry Ellis. Behind 
him, that dream girl 
breathes heavily in a 
sweater by Easel, skirt 
by Chrome Hearts, 
shoes by Yves Saint 
Laurent and gloves by 
LoCrosia. Checking her 
out is Zoiya, in a shirt 
by Jason Bunin, pants 
by DKNY, shaes by 
Johnstan and Murphy, 
leather coat by Empo- 
rio Armani and cash- 
mere scarf by Sulka. 
Wandering off, Mr. 
Noté has on a shirt 
and tie by Prada, suit 
by Bill Blass, coat by 
John Varvatos and 
shoes and belt by 
Johnston and Mur- 
phy. His gloves are 

by Emporio Armani. 


fashion by JOSEPH РЕ ACETIS 
produced by JOE DOLCE 


PD 


* 

2 
8 
a 
T 


т 
$ 


те агба each other as 
а Weiwér 


El 
in pants and coat by Jason 
Bunin, turlleneck by Sean 


“No, let's do that 


Ewing chest-bump thing,” 
responds Согу. He's wear- 
ing.a suit by Joseph 
Abboud, shirt by Van 
Heusen, tie by Cu 


Klein collection, dives 
by Emporio Armani ond 


shoes by Johnston and .. 


Murphy. Thé woman won- 
ders (in Danish), Is thot 


Olivier is in а shirt Бу Geoffrey Beene, tie 
and suede pants by Ran Chereskin and 


jacket by John Varvates. She's in pants 
by Carla Dawn and tap and jacket by Ra- 
berto Cavalli. She's thinking (in French), 
What did Humpty Hump say? “Just grab 
them in the biscuits.” Yau go, jeune fille! 


Gary wears а mack turtleneck by Wilke- 

Rodriguez, pants by Prada, V-neck sweat- 

er by TSE, gloves by Emparia Armani and 
is ма dress by 


can actually be 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 162 


30 


ғ vov are calling to talk to | “Uh, listen, um, Marilyn—wait 
one of us hot girls, are us- | Wait. Please. Do you think we— 
ing a touch-tone phone and | could we—is there any way we could 
have your credit information | talk about some other things first? I 
handy, please press one now. | mean I wonder if we could kind of 
We can hardly wait to talk } get to know each other a little. Or 
to you.” anyway seem to get to know each 

re other. Like, can we—talk around a 
“Please punch in your credit card | little? You know, just generally? I've 

number, followed by the pound key.” | come to the conclusion that Í need 
E something a little less blunt right- 
“Don't go anywhere—we're des- | away-into-it kind of thing, you know, 

perate for your hot love." and as long as I'm paying for the 

Е minutes, I'd think that would be all 
“This is Marilyn, and I'm soooo | right. Thatis all right—right? Is that 

hot to give you my——" all right?” 

“Excuse me, Marilyn?” “John, are you gonna talk, honey, 
“Oh, yes, baby, let me have your | or do you want me to?” 

big——" “I thought that we would both 

name's John, OK?” talk. You know, have a—have a con- 

versation about things in general 

“OK? kind of thing, and, um, lead up to it 

“You sound nervous, John. You | That appears to be what I require 
shouldn't be. I'm gonna do whatever | right now.” 


you want me to, baby, and it's gonna | "Oh, but I'm all ready for you, 
be so hot.” | honey—" 
“Well, 1 am a little nervous.” "I know but Ги not ready yet. 1 


“There's nothing to be nervous | need to talk a little." 
about, honey. I'm lying here naked, | 7..." 
just thinking of you, John. That's | 
what I'm doing right now. And I'm 
thinking of taking your” "Hello?" (continued on page 152) 


your real name Marilyn?" 


DIGITAL ILLUSTRATION EY MALCOLM TARLOFSIY 


streak long before she met the Notorious B.I.G. By 1995, Kim was 
a member of Junior M.A.FLA. and was about to become a break- 
-out rap star. Now her CDs go platinum. You'll also see her in the 
basketball comedy Juwanna-Mann, in which she plays the girlfriend of the 
cross-dressing star-Lately, Lil-Kim's breasts have been out everywhere. 
About them, she says, ^I don't think I’m going to cover up any time soon." 


K imberly Denise Jones grew up in Brooklyn. She had a rebellious 


PF ^ P و‎ 


OOA 


“Smile, Senator! Think of it as just another photo op.” 


W. TOOK us so long? Last year we 


discovered Lauren Michelle Hill at a swim- 
suit competition in St. Croix. But she’s 
been in front ofthe camera her entire life. 

"Mom owned a modeling agency and 
used to take her girls to New York,” she 
tells us. “As soon as school was over we'd go 
there for the summer. Mom would take all 
four of us—1 have two brothers and а s 
ter—to auditions. Every one of us has act- 
ed and modeled. Even our cat. He was in 
That Darn Cat. We got him from the set.” 

Lauren modeled clothes for depart- 
ment store catalogs and posed for the art 
on Hasbro toy boxes (she's not telling 
which ones, but we're sure they'd make 
great collectibles). As a well-coilfed teen- 
ager she appeared in ads for hair care 
products and was spotted by film produc- 
ers on location in the South. 

“In Heavyweights, the movie with Ben 
Stiller about kids at a weight-loss camp, 1 
played the drcam girl at a dance. They do 
a slow motion of me walking across the 
floor." Not one to let the job description 
"dream girl" remain just an entry on her 
résumé, she took a break from landlocked 

uth Carolina and tried her 
s. Within a week she'd 
landed on the Baywatch beach. 

“In one episode 1 played one of the 
boy-crazy junior lifeguards who are sent 


We persuaded Lauren Hill to put dawn her 
books long enough to pose for our October 
2000 cover. (She oppreciotes Flannery O'Con- 
nor and F Scoti Fitzgerald.) But she remcined 
blosé obout the photo. “It never sonk in until 1 
passed оп airport newsstand ond saw oll those 
copies.” Her verdict on the result: "Adorable." 
We find her ottitude cheeky. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


lauren hill makes a great first impression 


away for а weekend to learn about teamwork. A 
strong current sweeps two of the girls into a cave 
and another girl and I run back and bring ev- 
eryone to rescue them.” Lauren laughs. "Isn't 
that a great plot summary? 1 can't believe how 
that show keeps going on and on. 

During a stroll along the tree-shaded Horse- 
shoe walk at the University of South Carolina. 
where Lauren's а journalism major and a cheer- 
leader, this soft-spoken and ambitious (isn't that 
one paradigm of a Southern woman?) native 
talks about Southern writers, expectations of 
Southern women (“2 lot of them are brought up 
learning how to raise a family, cook and sew") 
and her deep affection for sports. “I grew up 
watching sports all the time, and in college espe- 
cially you're out there to win, giving your all for 
yourself and the team. 

Lauren makes sure that the South Carolina 
Gamecocks give it the old college try. Eighty 
thousand fans roar when she leads the cheers at 
football games. “There were 70 girls at tryouts. 
When I made the final cut, I called my mom and 
told her, “You're not going to believe this, but I 
made the team!” (We're not surprised.) 

What do cheerleaders do after class? They 
practice. Three hours is the norm. "And not just 
stunts,” Lauren says, “but lots of conditioning, 
too—laps and runs up and down the stadium 
steps.” The squad is also deployed to boost the 
university's basketball and volleyball teams. 

Standing a few inches taller than her team- 
mates (most cheerleaders are petite, because the 
men on the squad have to throw—and catch 
them), Lauren caught the eye of a varsity bas 


ketball player. “He saw me working out in the 
weight room the first week of my freshman year. 
I saw him, too. It's that typical basketball-player- 
with-the-cheerleader thing,” she deadpa 

‘Their relationship has turned long distance 


100 


Wherever she goes in Columbia, Lauren seems to run into old friends. The copital of the Polmetto State retoins its charm for this home- 
town girl. "I grew up very fomily oriented. My grondmother lived across the street. We'd go to church on Sundays and then to her house 
for dinner. She hod pear ond apple trees and we ployed in her bockyord. When | decide to raise o family, I'd like to do it here.” 


since her seven-foot-tall drink of water signed on to play pro 
ball in Europe. Lauren also keeps her passport handy for 
the modeling assignments that take her to all the warm 
places—most often around the Caribbean. But she notes 
that a swimsuit model's life isn't always a day at the beach 
“You have to be in makeup around 5:30 a.M. so they can start 
shooting as soon as the sun comes up.” How does a beautiful 
woman manage such a tough job? “You practice the steps 
and the stance,” she says. “You have to make that suit look as 


good as possible while you're looking natural.” 

We think Lauren looks spectacular when the swimsuit 
is optional. 

“I originally said no to PLaYsov,” she says demurely. “I 
didn't think I could be a Playmate because I'm just kind 
of normal-looking.” 

Naturally, we disagree, as did the many readers who wrote 
us after seeing the October issue, begging to see Lauren fea- 
tured. Your wish is our command. 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


sane, Uren Michelle Hill - 
pust: AH wrr Ad ures: 3S 
HeicHT:__S‘\o" — икси: ADO 
BIRTH рате: 10/27/79 premerace: Col i С. 

AMBITIONS: f ime | ont of the C E 
but eventually have a successful career behind It. 
тосо: A true gentleman with a great sense — 
rurnorrs: People who arc afraid +0 embrace their own i 
_individuality because they want to fit in. 
TIP ON DATING A SOUTHERN GIRL: Ariye om time So she 
KISS MY сат: Но we eat "em morning, noon — 


My First + last 
bangs - yuck! 


Posing m the 
Park- age Ч 


бо Gamecocksil 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


During a quarrel with his parents, the teen- 
ager raged against household restrictions. “1 
want excitement, adventure, money and beau- 
tiful women!” he cried. “I'll never find them 
here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop 
me!” With that, he headed for the door, but his 
father followed him. “I told you I don't want 
you to try to stop me!” the boy said. 

“Who's trying to stop you?” replied his fa- 
ther. “If you wait a minute, ГИ go with you. 


The definition of a Jewish ménage A trois: two 
headaches and a hard-on. 


Tits MONTHS MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: А 
man was out shopping and spotted a new 
brand of condoms. He bought a pack and told 
his wife about it when he got home. “Olympic 
condoms?” she said, examining the package. 
“What makes them so special?” 

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, 
silver and bronze.” 

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” 
she asked. 

“Gold, of course.” 

“How about the silver?” she suggested. “It 
would be nice if you came in second for a 
change!” 


A dutier hit a wicked slice off the tee that rico- 
cheted through the trees and onto the next fair- 
way, narrowly missing another golfer. When 
he got to his tall, he was greeted by the unin- 
tentional target, who angrily told him of the 
near miss. "I'm sorry,” the errant golfer said 
"I didn't have time to yell fore.” 

“That's funny," the man replied. "You had 
plenty of time to yell “Shit!” 


Simpson was assigned to show an important 
stockholder around the rubber goods factory. 
He brought her over to a giant machine that 
spit out an endless stream of rubber nipples. 
“One of our steady sellers. A lot of babies being 
born these days,” Simpson explained. 

Later the stockholder asked about the func- 
tions of another huge machine spitting out 
ttle rubber discs. “Condoms,” Simpson in- 
formed her. “Big sellers, too.” 

“Understandably,” she commented. “But 
why's that needle punching a little hole in ev- 
ery other one?” 

“Well,” he replied, “we can't afford to let the 
nipple business drop off, can we?" 


Dad,” the son said, “we had a spelling contest 
in school today, and I missed on the very first 
word.” 

“Ah, that's too bad, son,” consoled the father. 
“What was the word?” 

“Posse.” 

“Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it,” the 
father laughed. “You can't even pronounce it!” 


Анет a bitter argument, a couple drove sever- 
al miles down a country road without saying a 
word. As they passed a barnyard of mules and 
pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of 
yours 

“Yep,” the husband replied. “In-laws.” 


Pıavsov crassic: Arriving in the mountains 
for a romantic winter vacation, the newlyweds 
settled into their cabin and the guy went out to 
chop some wood for the fireplace. When he re- 
turned he began to blow on his hands and rub 
them together. “Honey,” he complained, “my 
hands are freezing!” 

“Well, put them here between my legs,” his 
bride suggested, “and warm them up.” 

After lunch he went back out to chop more 
wood. When he came back he complained 
again, “Man, my hands are really freezing!” 

“Well, put them here between my legs,” she 
offered again, “and warm them up.” 

After dinner he went out one more time to 
chop wood. When he returned he again com- 
plained, “Honey, my hands are almost numb!” 

“For crying out loud!” she exclaimed. "Don't 
your ears ever get cold. 


hig Mince 


А guy had a passion for fishing and spent all 
his weekends at the lake. One Sunday he went 
out as usual, but it was so cold and wet that he 
decided to return home. He came in, got un- 
dressed and crawled into bed behind his wife 
to cuddle. “What terrible weather today, hon- 
cy.” he said. 

“Yes,” she giggled. “And my stupid husband 


went fishing!" 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Oh, don't worry about me. . . . ГИ see it when it comes out on video!” 


107 


ror .010 AND MORE НИ 
a an озата 


them un to 4% їр. diameter. Sce listing under each курс c 


= | n't matter eno 


by CHIP ROWE The length of 
every penis is normal, technically, with 
the exception of those smaller than 2.8 
inches erect, a condition known as 
cropenis. But who wants to be normal? 
Most guys would love an extra inch or 
two. For some, the desire is overwhelm- 
ing. They are convinced that a larger pe- 
nis will mean a larger life. Unfortunately, 
the methods for achieving this question- 
able goal range from the ridiculous to the 
reprehensible. 


WEIGHTS 


A few cultures, such as the Karamojong 
of northeastern Uganda, practice rit- 
ualistic penis stretching. Beginning at 
puberty, a Karamojong boy hangs cir- 
cular stone disks from the tip of his pe- 
nis. When he becomes accustomed to the 
pain, more disks are added. His penis 
s like a pendulum. By the time he's 
a teenager, he may carry as much as 20 
pounds from his penis, which could mea- 
sure 18 inches or longer. To avoid sitting 
on these taffylike appendages, Karamo- 
jong men tie their cocks into knots. 

Ambitious Westerners consider the Ka- 
ramojong an inspiration. One website 


(7) 
94 
% 


% 


$, 
a 
a 


3 

a 

u 
wh 
c 
E 


2 


recommends cutting a four-by-eight-inch 
section from a rubber swim cap and wrap- 
ping it around your semierect penis. Se- 
cured with 2 rubber band or tape, the 
piece provides a base for an 5 hook from 
which you can hang weights for hours. 
“Wearing shorts, you can hang penis and 
weight over the edge of your computer 
chair as you work,” suggests Tom Hub- 
bard, who runs the site. “Standing, you 
can carefully hang your penis through 
the fly opening of pants.” An alter- 
nate method uses pipe insulation and a 
hose clamp. 


TENSION 


Some specialty products, such as the 
PeniStretcher, tug on the penis using 
springs. To use the device, a man sticks 
his erection through a silicone ring and 
down a cylinder formed by two adjust- 
able brass axles. A support holds the head 
in place. The PeniStrercher costs $280, 
which is reasonable considering the high 
end of the market: A similar product 
that arrives in a cushioned mahogany 
box sells for $990. The poor man’s tech- 
nique is to place one end of an elastic 
band around the (continued on page 150) 


ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID PLUNKERT 


109 


six playmates pick six vehicles that 
а саг guy would give his left 
you-know-what to own 


110 AM GENERAL HUNGER 


* learned to drive 


“Llike four- 
whéel-drive ve- 
hicles. In fact, 1 


in a truck. I like 
sports cars, but 
not for guys. 
Guys should 
drive trucks." 


‚ennies. Eye-catchers don't come er КЕ HEEL 

/0-seaters with plenty of horsepower and nimble road manners. Try 
the military vehicle retooled for civilians or a classic Sixties coupe 
that tears up the tarmac for a quarter of a mile. Are you still wedded to 
your reliable sedan? Don't say that we didn’t try to help. 


Buffy's choice is а four-passenger, open-topped Hummer. Here's one 
for the beouty and the beast. The one pictured here is a 2000 model. 
For 2001, AM General added a rear-seat armrest—the softies—and 
that's about it. A Monsoon stereo is a must—if for no other reason than 
to drown out the Hummer's VB turbodi Dual-range all-wheel- 
drive is permanently engaged, and electronic traction control ensures 
that this $82,000 big dog digs in and goes wherever Buffy wants to. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARMY FREYTAG 


111 


112 


“I want to date a guy 
who takes the time to fix 
up a vintage car. He'd 


be the type to pay great 
attention to detail.” 


> 


1969 FORD MUSTANG MACH 1 


Summer knows her ponies. I! was in 1969 that Ford introduced the Mach 1, which replaced the Mustang GT as the company’s test 
horse. Competition Suspension, engine options from 250 hp to 335 hp, a four-speed stick and a limited-slip differential were just 
a few of the desirable add-ons. No wonder Mustang aficionados back then called the Mach 1 “the supercar of the masses.” 


“The man who drives 
this car definitely knows 
how to treat a woman.” 


The 360 Spider represents Ferraris latest triumph in a heritage of hedonistic models, No wonder Nicole would look twice at a guy 
driving а $170,000 machine that’s quite possibly the best V8 prancing horse ever built. Turn the key and the 395 hp, 40-valve 
power plant behind the driver’s head fires up with a roar reminiscent of a Formula | racer. Pop the clutch and let her rip. 


0 


“The Z06 has a sleek 
body style that’s sort of 
feminine. 1 like men who 
are in touch with their 
feminine side.” 


For 2001, Chevrolet resurrected one of its option codes, 206, to create the quickest production Corvette in its history—a fitting 168 
mph ride for a Playmate who thinks fast. The new 206 boasts a 385 hp V8 engine and less weight. The result: a zero-to-60 time 
of 4.3 seconds. Priced just under $49,000, the Z06 is a bargain. Credit Kerissa with wallet wisdom as well as road sense. 


EA і 


а ? Poe always loved 
Porsches. They're just 
Ф really cool.” 


PORSCHE BOXSTER $ 


To build Brooke's smart choice, Porsche engineers borrowed some of the best features from the top-of-the-line Carrera 911. The 
$50,200 Boxster $ engine is a 250 hp six, the brakes are race-inspired discs, and you can opt for either a six-speed gearbox or a 
semiautomatic that allows for manual shifting & la Formula | cars using butions on the steering spokes. Very sexy. 


“A guy who drives this 
car is living in the fast 


lane. He's also a little | 4 >» 
dangerous, but mature. | 
1 like Lamborghinis.” 


The 550 hp V12 Diablo is best appreciated on а speed-unlimited autobahn. Из zero-to-60 time is a whisper over three seconds; 
100 miles per hour can be reached in just five seconds more. If the road (and your nerves) permits, you'll see 200 on the 
speedometer. Butiery leather abounds inside. Sure, $275,000 is a bank-account buster, but nothing's too good for Suzanne, right? 


LAMBORGHINI BIABLO UT 6.0 J| 


“I think I may have found the problem!” 


113 


Sela Ward 


PLAYBOY'S 


tv's steamiest southern belle on phone bills, cheer- 
leading and the etiquette of the nude scene 


H ете heartening news from the TV 
wasteland. Amid the smirky sitcoms 
and bimbofests, this year’s best actress Em- 
my went to a womanly sex symbol who's #4. 
That's because Sela Ward, the star of Once 
and Again (and whom you might know best 
from Sprint commercials), happens to be a 
terrific actress, even if she started out as а 
University of Alabama cheerleader. 

In fact, she was planning to be a painter. 
But while т New York to cheer the Crimson 
Tide al a basketball game, she fell in love 
with the city. After graduating from college, 
she moved to New York and submitted photos 
to Wilhelmina Medels. Several years as a 
top-paid model were followed by a small role 
in a Burt Reynolds film, The Man Who 
Loved Women. She then appeared on hit TV 
shows Night Court and LA Law and in tele- 
films The King of Love, The Haunting of 
Sarah Hardy and Bridesmaids. She enjoyed 
а five-year run on NBC's dramatic series 
Sisters, during which Ward won a best ac- 
tress Emmy. She also received acclaim for 
her starring role in one of cable television's 
highest-rated movies, Almost Golden: The 
Jessica Savilch Story, portraying the late 
NBC anchorwoman. 

On the big screen, Ward has appeared in 
The Fugitive opposite Harrison Ford, My 
Fellow Americans with Jack Lemmon and 
54, co-starring Mike Myers 

Robert Crane caught up with the elegant 
Ward at the Polo Lounge in the Beverly 
Hills Hotel. He reports: “Sela Ward is tern- 
bly sexy m her Sprint ad campaign and she 
is naturally beautiful in person. Fans, both 
male and female, stopped at our table to say 
hi. 1 have heard that some producers claim 
she's too attractive. To which I would re 
spond: Is that so wrong?” 


1 


PLAYBOY: What are the love secrets of 
Southern women? 

WARD: Someone remarked that South- 
ern women are born to flirt, and it's ab- 
solutely true. They know how to charm 
the pants off a man. They know how 
to zero in and make a man feel like 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANTOINE VERGLAS 


he's the center of the universe. And it 
works, because you'll see those guys 
just puff up. Southern women couldn't 
be more attentive, they couldn't be 
more gracious, they couldn't bat those 
eyes any faster. It's an art. There's nota 
Southern woman I've met who's not in- 
credibly charming, incredibly gracious 
and incredibly focused on a guy if she 
wants to be. 

Sex is sort of like the immaculate 
sport in the South. Nobody talks about 
it. You can just smell it everywhere. It's 
acultural way of relating. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Under what circumstances do 
you use your Southern accent? 

warp: When I need Trent Lott to help 
me with my pet projects in Mississippi, 
like the Grand Opera House. Any time 
I'm talking to a Southerner, for sure. 1 
wish I could say I used it often, but I 
think people have, historically, associ- 
ated a Southern accent with a lack of 
intelligence. There's something about 
the accent—it's so foreign to their ears 
and it's such a lazy tongue. But then 
there are people like Trent Lott, who 
has a beautiful accent—that sort of 
plantation Southern. And Clinton, in 
his own way, has a charming Southern 
accent, and people respond to that. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Is it easier to win an argument 
using a Southern accent? 

макр: It’s like talking to somebody in 
a foreign language. By the time they 
get through with all their "fixin's" and 
^y'alls" you're just trying to decipher 
what the hell they said. So you might 
end up giving them their point. When 
I call back home to somebody, and 
because I've been gone for so long, I 
spcak quickly to get the point across. 
But they'll give you little anecdotes, 
throw in how their mama's gall bladder 
is doing and what the heat index is to- 


day, and then get back to the point. But 
Southerners are the most colorful, in- 
teresting, neurotic, incredibly inteli- 
gent and brilliant people, particulai 
Southern writers—Willie Morris, Eu- 
dora Welty, William Faulkner, Tennes- 
see Williams, 


4 


PLAYBOY: You've described yourself as 
feeling “ripe and juicy, like a delicious 
piece of fruit.” Are you peeled first or 
should one bite right through the skin? 
WARD: Why waste time peeling? Bite 
through the skin—that way you get all 
the textures and flavors at once. 


5 


ылувоу: You didn't marry a football 
player. You didn't marry an actor. Are 
there certain professions that just don't 
work out? 

мако: Actors, for sure. Basically, I've 
learned that you have to stay away 
from any man who has to do it in front 
ofa crowd. The male actor is a peculiar 
breed. The industry is fraught with 
toxicity, first of all. As for men who 
choose to work in a business that is 
driven by a tremendous amount of 
narcissism and egocentricity, you are 
dealing with someone who is rarely 
able to give back in a relationship in a 
way most people would require. It's 
tough to ride that wave of job insecuri- 
ty. One moment they're on top of the 
world. Then they can't get a job. You 
have to be an extremely strong charac- 
ter to be able to survive in this busine: 
and 1 haven't met a lot of males with 
extremely strong characters. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Sela—what's that short for 
мако: I'd like to make up something 
really interesting, but 1 was named al- 
ter a friend of my mother's cousin's 
daughter. It's not short for anything. 
In Hebrew, it (continued on page 140) 


115 


PIPPA 


its and ass are great. I've been obsessed with 
PLAYBOY since I was a young girl. As a teenager I 
collected Bettie Page postcards. I even have a 
pin-up tattoo on my arm. Strong, voluptuous women 
аге fantastic.” Meet PLAYBOY's newest family member, a 
‘woman named Pippa who designs Rabbit Head jewel- 
ry and lathes for Shopgirl, a new label available on 
and at Barneys and Bloomingdale’s. 
Pippa owns Shop, a trendy store in London’s Soho dis- 
‘trict. She sings in a band called Shopgirl, and she's 
been wearing a vintage Rabbit Head necklace for 
years. When Pippa told us she wanted to work with us, 
we were smitten. We particularly liked that she knows 
what women and men want. “Onstage, I can never for- 
get the fact that I have tits and an ass. I want girls’ tits 
and asses to look fantastic in my underwear. I make 
cute, sexy knickers, vests and cardigans. Some of it’s 
cotton, some of it’s silk. It’s quite subtle. Girls love 
the Rabbit Head. It’s iconic. We pay homage to 
the pin-up heritage, but we've given it a mod- 
ern twist. We can't order the T-shirts quickly 
N enough.” Pippa is such a PLAYBOY fanatic that 
N she wore Bunny ears in the music video for 
N her band’s first single, Exotic Pictures. “И 
Ñ was glamorous,” she says. “Hef liked the 
video and invited us to a party at the Man- 
sion. So there 1 was, eating chocolate- 
dipped strawberries at the Wet and 
Wild party. I thought Га died and 
gone to heaven.” See Pippa fashion- 
ably nude at Playboy.com/current. 


rt 


SHE SINGS IN 
A BAND, DESIGNS 

SEXY PANTIES, HAS A 
PIN-UP TATTOO AND LOVES 
PLAYBOY. SO WE HIRED HER 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GUIDO ARGENTINE 


“An amazon, yes! But an amazon in love!” 


117 


ВВОКЕВ$ АВЕ 
GOING FOR BROKE 


ERES OUR financial advice: Leave 
the suit and tie to the stock 
market stiffs. The latest tech- 
nology has made it so simple 

for anyone to become a day trader that 

even your local grocery boy could be 
buying and selling stocks and securities 
with a cell phone, a personal digital as- 
sistant or a laptop. These fancy pag- 
ers, portable phones, PCs and PDAs 
have their fingers directly on the pulse 
of the stock market. They can synch to 
your PC to update address books and 
schedules. Plus, they'll get you quotes, 
account balances, market summaries 
and everything else you need to stay on 
top—any time and anywhere. With top 
online brokers such as E-Irade, Ameri- 
trade and Lind-Waldock adding wir 
less service to their Net repertoire, mo- 
bile gadgets smaller than a cell phone 
can compete with—maybe even out- 
class—a PDA or laptop in terms of pow- 
er. The Ericsson R380 World Smart- 
phone (about $700), for example, can 
replace your cell phone as well as 
your PDA. (concluded on page 136) 


Our model holds Ericsson's R380 World 
Smartphone to her ear. It's c combination 
cell phone and PDA with wireless access to 
stock quotes, news ond other services. In 
her other hand is a Palm Vilx with 8 MB of 
memory ond 40 web-clipping opplications. 119 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIS FACTOR/ 
aRT miX THE AGENCY 


120 


‘And all this time I was afraid of coming between two best friends.” 


in the 
Y 
Mer Y 


it looks like our saucy 


playmate 
anna nicole smith 
hit it big—very big 


^ 
п 
HEN WE first met Anna Ni- 


cole Smith, she told us that being a 
Playmate was “a dream come true." 
She said she idolized the first woman 
to appear nude in PLAYBOY, and the 
proof of that was in the 20 framed 
photos of Marilyn Monroe that hung 
on the walls of the studio apartment 
she shared with her six-year-old son. 

That was nearly 10 years ago. Back 
then, Anna was going by the stage 
name Vickie Smith, a pseudonym for 
her real name, Vickie Lynn Hogan. 
She had moved to Houston from her 
hometown of Mexia (population 
6933), situated some 40 miles east of 
Waco, where she had worked as a 
breakfast cook at Jim's Krispy Fried 
Chicken. At 17, she married her high- 
school sweetheart, a co-worker at the 
restaurant. By the age of 19, she was 
a single mother, yearning for a new 
start as a fashion model and trying to 
make ends meet by working as an ex- 
otic dancer in a club in Houston. 

A small-town girl with big-time 
dreams, Anna wrote on her Playmate 
Data Sheet that her ambition was “to 
be the new Marilyn Monroe and find 
my own Clark Gable.” The Gable part 
was outside our expertise, but we did 
know a thing or two about launching 
a career, especially that of a statu- 
esque blonde. At 5/11”, 140 pounds, 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


the curvaceous 24-year-old was def- 
initely a looker. 

We invited Anna to the Playboy 
Mansion, her first foray outside the 
Lone Star State. We put her on the 
cover of our March 1992 issue and 
made her our May 1992 Playmate. 
The following year, she was photo- 
graphed for the cover of our June 
issue and named Playmate of the 
‘Year for 1993. 

We could tell from the beginning 
that Anna was destined for big 
things, but no one could have fig- 
ured how quickly her star would as- 
cend. Not even Paul Marciano, the 
Guess jeans mogul who, after gazing 
upon Anna in the pages of PLAYBOY, 
signed her to a contract to be that 
year’s Guess model, successor to leg- 
gy supermodel Claudia Schiffer. 

Anna took her first strides toward 
a movie career in 1994, landing a 
small role as a girlfriend of Tim 
Robbins’ in The Hudsucker Proxy, a 
quirky comedy by the Coen Broth- 
ers. She followed that with a larger 
role in Naked Gun 33%: The Final In- 
suli, in which she shared yuks with 
Leslie Nielsen. She found time to do 
her third PLAYBOY pictorial, a valen- 
tine for our readers in the February 
1994 issue. 

In 1995, Anna moved her acting 
efforts into the action genre, receiv- 
ing top billing in two action thrillers, 
To the Limit and Skyscraper. 


Just three years after her first ap- 
pearance in PLAYBOY, Anna was а 
bona fide star. But the biggest role 
of her life, the one that propelled 
her into the media spotlight and 
made her one of the most widely 
recognized celebrities in the world, 
was her part in the juiciest soap 
opera to hit Texas since Larry Hag- 
man and Linda Gray did Dallas 
The story had all the key elements— 
lust, power and greed—and a small 
but memorable cast: a dying billion- 
aire oil tycoon, a pair of feuding 
sons and their drop-dead-gorgeous 


and Yale Law 
School graduate, Marshall had be- 
gun working the oil fields of Oki: 
homa in the Thirties, eventually 
moving to Houston and joining the 
board of Koch Industries, the sec- 
ond-largest privately owned compa- 
ny in the U.S. 

Despite his extraordinary wealth, 
Marshall had experienced his share 
of misfortune. In 1961, he divorced 
his first wife, a childhood sweetheart 
and the mother of his two sons, and 
married his assistant, Bettye, wh 
nickname was Tiger. But Tiger suc- 
cumbed to Alzheimer's disease. A 
family dispute led to an estrange- 
ment with his older son, J.H. ILI. In 


1982, Marshall took a liking to a 


dancer named Jewel, and for almost 


Poised for stardom following her appearances as Playmate of the Month т May 
1992 and Playmate of the Year in 1993, Anna Nicole soon learned that being an 
international sex symbol isn't always easy. But after enduring tabloid stories 
about her personal life and being the subject of jokes by television comics, she 
has shown that she is more than capable of holding her own. 


a decade he lavished her with 
cash and gifts. Jewel died in 
1991, reportedly while having 
a face-lift 

Around that time, J. How- 
ard Marshall became fasci- 
nated with another dancer, 
a towering blonde bombshell 
named Vickie who worked 
the daytime shift at Rick's 
Cabaret. Marshall was in hi: 
80s when he used to show up 
to catch her matinee perfor- 
mances. He also was wheel- 
chair-bound. With more than 
60 years separating them, 
their relationship raised a few 
eyebrows and the instant dis: 
approval of Е. Pierce Mar- 
shall, the younger of J.H.'s 
two sons and heir to his con- 
siderable fortune. 

Anna Nicole claims that 
Marshall proposed marriage 
to her only a week after they 
met, but she said, “Honey, let 
me go make something out of 
myself first, so people don't 
look at me as a gold digger.” 

With her appearances in 
PLAYBOY and her modeling gig 
fo jeans, Anna did 
excellent job of making some- 
thing of herself. 

In an interview, Anna ad- 
mitted to feeling “a little bit 
embarrassed” about having a 
relationship with a man who 
was old enough to be her 
grandfather. “He dressed me 
up, he bought me diamonds, 
he did everything for me. 
There was so much love there 
from him.” Over time, she 
came to feel the same way 
“He was my Prince 

ife, and I 
loved him for that. 

In 1994, around the time 

6-year-old Anna's film career 
was taking off, 89-year-old 
Marshall presented her with 
a 22-carat diamond ring. On 
June 27 of that year, they were 
married in a private ceremo- 
ny at the White Dove Wed- 
ding Chapel in Houston. 

During their brief mar- 
riage, Marshall is said to have 
bought Anna Nicole more than 
$6 million in cars, property, 
clothes and jewels. The Los 
Angeles Times reported that 
on Christmas Eve, he played 

anta Claus in grand style, ar- 

nging to have a truck back 
up to Neiman Marcus to trans- 
port the fruits of a spectacu- 
lar shopping spree. 
(text continued on page 141) 


PLAYBOY 


134 


Survivor SCAM Continued from page 51) 


“If those guys were really placed on an island with 
nothing, there would have been some deaths.” 


run of the show. When it rained during 
their second week on the island, for in- 
stance, the castaways huddled miser- 
ably in their makeshift huts, trying not 
to get wet. By the ume it rained again 
оп day 31, they had all been given 
matching yellow rain slickers 

In other words, the first Survivor 
wasn't exactly a show about the art of 
wilderness survival—and round two, 
set in the Australian outback, doesn't 
figure to be one, either. “It was a game 
show, not a test of survival skills,” says 
David Alloway, a survival-skills special- 
ist and author who teaches at David Al- 
loway's Skills of Survival School in Pre- 
sidio, Texas. “Some of the media and 
the general public interpreted it as a 
true survival situation, but it was actu- 
ally contrary to most group survival sit- 
uations. 1 call it Lord of the Flies meets 
Geraldo.” 

Some of the contestants knew that 
going in: San Francisco lawyer Stacey 
Stillman says that prior to her stint on 
the island, she thumbed through a cou- 
ple of wilderness guides but skipped 
the chapters on real survival stuff, like 
making fire without matches. Others 
learned it along the way. Asked what 
advice she'd give to future contestants, 
truck driver Susan Hawk suggested 
“lots of books on game-playing, civi 
wars, the fall of the Roman Empire.” 
And preschool teacher Gretchen Cor- 
dy, who'd actually taught survival skills 
in the Air Force, was incredulous and 
openly critical of the show’s setup 
when she realized how much help the 
castaways were being given. (This ac- 
cording to insiders on the island. None 
of her comments, of course, made it in- 
to the show.) 

Even Mark Burnett, the Svengali be- 
hind Suruvor (as well as the Eco-Chal- 
lenge endurance races), cops to it. 
“ is not real survivalism. The most 
ing show I can think of would be 16 
ists on an island.” 

“I think it's important to realize that 
it's entertainment, and they're using 
survival as a spin-off for their theme,” 
says Ford Church. “If those guys were 
really placed on an island with noth- 
ing, it would be an interesting show— 
but Т also think there would have been 
some deaths.” 

Adds New Jersey survival teacher 
Tom Brown. “I guess it was survival to 
them. As far as I'm concerned, if you 
have a full set of dothing and a pock- 


su 


etknife, you're no longer in a survival 
situation. You're on vacation.” 


Everyone realizes how praiseworthy 
it is for a prince to honor his word and 
to be straightforward rather than crafty 
in his dealings; nonetheless, contempo- 
тату experience shows that princes who 
have achieved great things have been 
those who have given their word light- 
ly, who have known how to trick men 
with their cunning, and who, in the 
end, have overcome those abiding by 
honest principles.—The Prince, Chap- 
ter XVIII 


OK, they're not survivalists. So what 
are they? It has been suggested that the 
castaways’ trucst challenge came not in 
surviving the elements but in surviving 
a cutthroat Machiavellian ne of of- 
fice politics that happened to be played 
in a hot, sandy office 20 miles off the 
coast of Borneo. And when the win- 
ner turned out to be the consummate- 
ly manipulative corporate trainer Rich 
Hatch, that simply reinforced the idea 
that the game was all about using cor- 
porate strategies. 

“I want to think that this game's not 
a microcosm of society, but every per- 
son over 30 I've talked to thinks it ab- 
solutely is," says castaway and student 
Colleen Haskell. “They tell me, “This is 
the corporate world.” So I'm staying in 
school another year.” (First, she’s going 
to appear in a Rob Schneider movie, 
which should teach her a whole new set 
of survival skills.) 

But is this really the way office poli- 
tics work, or was Survivor no more a 
truc test of business skills than it was of 
survivalism? “The show was contrived, 
and that's not the strategy for success 
in the corporate world,” says Joseph 
Fabricatore, a management consultant 
from Santa Monica, California. “And 
the strategy that won was a narcissistic, 
psychopathic kind of a strategy. You 
do find people who can be successful 
with that strategy up to certain levels, 
but eventually they get found out, or 
their business just goes away, because 
people recognize who they're dealing 
with, and don't want to deal with them 
anymore.” 


A prince should never join in an ag- 
gressive alliance with someone more 
powerful than himself, unless as a mat- 
ler of necessity—Chapter ХХ! 


We watched them as their 39 days 
on Pulau Tiga played out over three 


months of prime-time television: 16 ar- 
chetypes (the gay guy, the grizzled vet, 
the tough chick) fighting it out on a 
remote island. And we learned many 
things about them—and their game— 
along the way. 

We learned that Sue felt double- 
crossed by runner-up Kelly Wigles- 
worth; that cranky ex-Navy Seal Rudy 
Boesch liked Rich (but not in a homo- 
sexual way, that's for sure), that the 
hapless innocents in the Pagong tribe 
somehow didn't figure out that the Та- 
gi alliance was eliminating them one by 
one until it was too late. 


When trouble is sensed well in ad- 
vance, it can easily be remedied; if you 
шай for it to show itself, any medicine 
will be too late because the disease will 
have become incurable.— Chapter Ш 


And we learned that on the island, 
fire represents life. We learned that 
once the votes are tallied, the decision 
is final. And we learned, above all, that 
when the tribe has spoken, it's time for 
you to go. 

Which is not to say that absolutely 
everything about the experience was 
laid bare in the 13 episodes. In his 
book Survivor: The Ultimate Game, a di- 
ary purportedly written on the island, 
Mark Burnett reports on the defiant 
speech YMCA coach Gervase Peter- 
son gave just before being voted off: 
“Someday,” he wrote, “when Gervase's 
son is old enough to watch the video- 
tape of his father's bold statements, he 
will see a model for manhood.” The 
only snag is that the speech was edited 
out of the episode. 

Plenty more intrigue was going on 
behind the scenes. None of the other 
participants are allowed to write about 
their experiences for three years (as 
Rich found out when he tried to signa 
book deal), and even the Survivor crew 
members had to sign confidentiality 
agreements, which were aimed mostly 
at preventing them from revealing the 
winner ahead of time. Still, conversa- 
tions with a few brave insiders flesh out 


the nation in which Pulau 
was settled by the British. 
This doesn't mean much except when 
it comes to the local recipes, which 
tend to be an unappetizing blend of 
bad British cooking and Asian influ- 
ences. “For us it was a lot of beans and 
cold eggs for breakfast, a lot of rice, 
a lot of stewed vegetables and what 
we termed mystery meat,” reports one 
crew member. On occasion the produc- 
ers would have pizza or McDonald's 
flown in, but such instances were rare 
“The third time fish heads were served 
for dinner, one of the four on-site edi- 
tors reportedly flipped out. 

(continued on page 137) 


“Га planned to give Oscar a nice romantic photograph for Valentine's Day, but 
the boudoir photographer was such a persuasive young man, and. . .." 


136 


(continued from page 119) 
The R380 uses a wireless applica- 
tion protocol web browser to facilitate 
e-mail and short messaging services. It 
also features a full organizer, voice 
dialing, handwriting recognition and 
an infrared modem. The touch screen 
underneath the dial pad gives you 
easy access to wireless services such as 
Bloomberg, the Financial Times and 
Ameritrade (where you can conduct 
complete transactions on your phone's 
screen). Other features include 
an infrared port (so you can 
synch to your PC) and a speak- 
erphone mode (so you can shout 
orders to your broker while 
driving). 

Another notable combo is Mo- 
torola’s V100 personal commu- 
nicator (about $250). The color- 
ful, clamshell-shaped device is 
equipped to handle e-mail and 
short messaging services and 
folds up small enough to fit in 
your pocket. Attached to an ear- 
piece, it operates as 
a cell phone. If you 
need to capture an 
important thought 
while you're on the 
go, the V100 features 
a voice recorder. The 
wireless browser will 
keep you in touch 
with the market, and 
the V100's compact 
keyboard and screen 
are perfect for buy- 
and-sell e-mails. 

Plenty of brokers live and die 
by their powerful PDAs, and 
with good reason. The screen 
is larger, and a bigger gadget 
means room for more memory 
and a faster processor. The latest 
digital assistants connect to the 
Net either wirelessly or through 
applications such as AvantGo. 
Basically an online and offline 
browser, AvantGo updates a va- 
riety of Net-based content (fi- 
nancial services, weather, movie list- 
ings) each time you hook up your mo- 
bile with your PC. Channels such as 
Stock Smart, InfoSpace Finance and 
Bloomberg will give you a snapshot of 
the market at the time you synched. 
Then you can disconnect, hop on the 
train and check out your portfolio 
while you're on the move. The down- 
side is that the information will only be 
as recent as the last time you snagged it 
off your computer. 

Handspring's Visor Prism ($450) 
features a full-color display and is 
compatible with Macs and PCs. Like all 


Visors, the Prism can perform a slew 
of cool functions when it’s attached to 
the company's special pop-in modules. 
These add-ons can boost your 5 
memory, play МРЗ files or take digital 
pictures. The serious trader will want 
to try Handspring's new VisorPhone 
($300 with service). The module trans- 
forms your Visor into a full-function 
cell phone. When synchronized with 
your scheduling 

software, the Vi- 


with Word and Excel, you get 8 MB of 
memory, 40 web-clipping applications 
(including E-Irade and CBS Market- 
Watch) and a wireless modem. 

Once connected (setup for Palm.net 
costs $10 and monthly service runs 
between $10 and $45, depending on 
your plan), you'll get quotes and up- 
dates from Fidelity Investments, Pru- 
dential (which also offers real estate 
information) and DLJ- 
direct Anywhere. And 
with Ameritrade's 
web-clipping ser- 
vice, you'll be able to 
buy and sell directly 
from your PDA—with 
no strings, wires or 


Sea phones attached. 


Top left: Handspring’s 
Visar Prism PDA will 
display stack prices an 
its full-calar screen ($450). When connected to the 
campany's VisarPhone, it aperates as a cell phane 
with caller 1D, canference calling and text messag- 
ing ($300). Tap: The Jarnada 720 by Hewlett 
Packard runs Microsaft pragrams and can synch 
with yaur PC (abaut $1000). Abave left: Matarala's 
V100 is a cambinatian e-mail pager and cell phone, 
sa yau dan't have ta carry both (abaut $250). 
Abave: Keep yaur cantacts and calendar clase by 
with Casio's PC-Unite BZX-20 digital watch ($100). 


sor can play an alarm to remind you of 
a scheduled call while the VisorPhone 
dials the appropriate number. 

If you need real-time updates while 
you're out on the sidewalk, you can 
use the VisorPhone as a modem. Or 
get a faster Novatel Wireless Visor mo- 
dem that will give you access to more 
than 400 web-clipping applications 
currently available for the Palm OS. 

When it comes to the most popular 
PDA, the only Palm that makes sense 
for stocks is the 6.7-ounce Palm УИх 
($450). Along with its scheduler, ad- 
dress book, e-mail and compatibility 


Half the size of a 
full notebook, though 
nearly small enough 
to pass for a Palm, 
handheld PCs such 
8 as Hewlett Packard’s Jornada 
720 ($1000) mix power and 
portability. With its 206 MHz 
processor, 32 MB of memory 
and nine hours of battery life, 
the Jornada can do just about 
anything a laptop can. The 
system runs Microsoft's Win- 
dows for Handheld PC 2000 
and is fully compatible with 
Word, Excel, Outlook and In- 
ternet Explorer. It also in- 
cludes a 56k modem so you 
can surf the web on the 6.5- 
inch screen. You can connect 
the Jornada to your PC ог 
Palm via the serial or infrared 
ports. lt powers up instantly, 
50 you can begin working ex- 
actly where you left off. If 
you'd rather relax, the Jorna- 
da's exterior audio controls 
and headphone jack allow you 
to listen to your favorite MP3s 
with the cover closed. 

Sometimes a stock trader 
needs an assistant to keep ev- 
erything sorted out, While 
Casio's PC-Unite BZX-20 ($100) and 
BZX-20D ($129) watches won't log on 
to the Net or gather stock quotes, both 
can store and display your schedules, 
contacts and to-do lists. The infra- 
red port enables these watches to con- 
nect to a PC (so you can synch with 
Microsoft Outlook) or exchange data 
with a PDA. Each watch can provide 
the time in 27 cities and store up to 
340 events on your schedule. Then, 
during the day, your waich can sound 
an alarm to remind you to check your 
cell phone for quotes, or your pager 
for that market update. 


GEORGE GEORGK 


Survivor Scam continued from page 134) 


В.В. Andersen told a camera crew he was going 10 


hire a helicopter to fly him 


ош. 


The show's crew, by the way, stayed in 
a small compound close to the Tribal 
Council set. Part of the compound con- 
sisted of a modest complex that had 
already been on the island: 10 cabins, 
some meeting rooms, a soccer field that 
was used as a helicopter pad. Another 
series of cabins was built to house the 
65 crew members. The first dozen or so 
were relatively nice, but soon workers 
began to skimp on materials. Most of the 
crew cabins were 12-by-12-foot cottages 
equipped with a ceiling fan, a toilet and 
a cold-water shower. ‘The compound al- 
so had a restaurant and bar area. (The 
producers were asked to leave this com- 
pound intact when they left, the better to 
attract tourists in the future.) 

Despite the fact that they had a better 
diet than the castaways, the crew did not 
pity their 16 subjects. "Those guys all 
had a shot at a 
cameraman. "I'm a working stiff. 
going to feel sorry for them? No. The 
producers negotiated a pretty hard deal, 
a flat rate with no overtime. I think the 
first woman to get voted off made more 
money than any of the crew members.” 
Burnett did not give bonuses when the 
show became an enormous hit, which al- 
so caused a few hard feelings. 

Though their task was to film every- 
thing that moved and some things that 
didn't, zeroing in on whatever drama 
they could find, the 10 camera crews had 
a few guidelines. For one thing, they 
were told not to show the castaways oil- 
ing up with the unlimited sunscreen that 
had been prov 
was jettisoned when а two-man oiling 
session proved useful to illustrate the 
growing alliance between homosexual 
Richard and homophobe Rudy. 

y, the crew tried to interact with 


the castaways as little as possible, to cre- 
ate a vérité document. As days went on, 
things got more relaxed, and the cast- 
aways began to ask questions of the staff- 
ers. These questions could be answered 
as long as they were benign, inoffensive 
and had no bearing on the game; partic- 
ularly forbidden was revealing any infor- 
mation about what the opposing tribe 
was doing. The most frequent question 
the castaways asked the crew was, “What 
are they feeding you guys?” 

At one point, a rumor raced through 
the staff that a camera crew had been 
caught giving one of the castaways a 
PowerBar. “Nothing was substantiated,” 
says an insider who wasn't directly in- 
volved, “but a couple of camera crews 
were accused by the producers of getting 
too close to the contestants.” 

From the start, the castaways had a 
point drilled into them: At any time, any 
of you can be taken off the island if Mark 
Burnett feels you're not playing the 
game correctly. 

Sometimes, though, the way the con- 
testants played the game vas subject to 
alterations. Just before the Tagi and Pa- 
gong tribes merged, when both groups 
were down to five members, each was 
asked to send one ambassador to a sum- 
mit meeting. Reportedly, Tagi picked 
Kelly as its ambassador and Pagong 
opted for Greg—but Burnett overruled 
those choices and substituted Sean and 
single mother Jenna Lewis, feeling that 
the two attractive and unattached cast- 
aways had the greatest chance of adding 
some romantic intrigue to their over- 
night ambassadorial summit (which also 
featured a lobster dinner, four bottles of 
vine and a pair of comfy beds). 

And speaking of sexual tension: Ev- 
eryone heard the rumors that Greg and 


CAN 
VOUTHINK OF 
E TWO-LETTER} 
WORDS MEANING 
“TINNY? и 


Colleen were slipping off into the jun- 
gle together for romantic trysts—but de- 
spite trying to catch them in the act, the 
crew never saw anything incriminating. 
Rumors still fly about other possible li 
aisons, both between castaways and be- 
tween one castaway and a crewman. But 
according to а production staff member, 
the crew saw little evidence of hanky- 
panky. Many of them eventually decid- 
ed that a diet consisting largely of rice 
seriously stifled the cast's sexual urges, 
although Rich admits that he enjoyed 
more than a few instances of underwa- 
ter self-gratification. Cattier crew mem- 
bers took Jenna's apparent celibacy as 
proof of “just how flat-lined their libidos 
were.” 

Of the cast members that were voted 
off, Stacey and Susan took it the hardest. 
“Stacey felt she had been cheated,” says a 
crew member, “but not too many people 
Domineering real es- 
tate developer B.B. Andersen, on the 
other hand, was raring to get off the is- 
land. After a couple of days he decided 
the game was stupid, and at one point he 
told a camera crew that he was going to 
hire а helicopter to fly him out of there. 
(He didn’t explain exactly how he'd con- 
tact the charter service from his digs on 
Pagong Beach.) В.В. also annoyed finan- 
cial advisor Joel Klug so much that Joel 
later said he would have punched В.В. if 
the contract the castaways signed hadn't 
prohibited physical violence against oth- 
ег сам members. 

After being voted off the island, the 
unfortunate castaway would usually re- 
main on Pulau Tiga for the first night, 
sleeping in a cabin in the crew com- 
pound with a mattress and sleeping bag. 
They were not allowed to mingle with 
the crew members; instead, they were 
taken for psychological debriefing, then 
walked to a cabin away from the rest of 
the staff. The next day, they were tak- 
en to a luxury hotel, the Magellan Su- 
tera, in the city of Kota Kinabalu on Bor- 
neo, where a more comfortable room 
and some treats (favorite food, toiletries, 


РЕАУВОУ 


138 


CDs, etc.) awaited. 

This postbanishment ritual sometimes 
varied: Greg was taken to Borneo the 
night he was voted off the island, be- 
cause the producers were worried he 
would be disruptive. 

‘This worry was not uncommon. “Greg 
freaked a lot of folks out, because he 
liked to fuck with people,” says one wit- 
ness, who reports that Greg decided the 
game was silly after B.B.'s exit and sub- 
sequently reinvented himself as the is- 
land's jokester. He fooled around at 
times that were supposed to be deadly 
serious (the Tribal Council, for instance), 
he talked into a coconut as if it were a 
phone, and mocked the game in such a 
way that some cameramen asked not to 
be assigned to him. Mark Burnett pulled 
him aside for at least one talk. 

On the other hand, Greg was one of 


two castaways that survival experts and 
insiders both say probably could have 
survived on the island without much 
help (Gretchen was the other). Greg's 
courses at Tom Brown's Tracker School 
obviously helped him: That's where he 
learned to make the rat trap he fash- 
ioned in one episode, though he didn't 
credit his instructor when he showed off 
his creation. (Brown was not surprised 
that Greg confused and worried people: 
“Greg was kind of like that in my class,” 
admits Brown. “If they don't understand 
his very wry sense of humor, people tend. 
to take him the wrong way.") 

As the game went on, everybody be- 
hind the scenes got sucked into it and 
spent their off-hours comparing notes, 
dissecting the alliances and making pre- 
dictions. “At one point we were talking 
about starting a pool, with everybody 


4 


WY LY, 


AAA 


Wi AY, 


AY 


n rg 
4 E 
= = 


“You can trust me, Anne. My being unfaithful is just a vicious 
rumor my wife started.” 


putting in five bucks,” says a crew mem- 
ber. "But one of the producers said that 
wouldn't look right. It’s probably good 
we didn't, because pretty much every- 


body thought Rudy was going to win.” 


A prudent ruler cannol, and must nol, 
honor his word when it places him at a 
disadvantage and when the reasons for 
which he made his promise no longer ex- 
ist. If all men were good, this precept 
would not be good; but because men are 
wretched creatures who would not keep 
their word to you, you need not keep your 
word to them.— Chapter XVIII 


Before we go any further, a disclaimer 
is needed: The occupations that we have 
used to identify many of the Survivor cast 
members (neurologist, YMCA coach, 
student) don't really apply anymore. We 
should now label many of the castaways 
as actors, spokespeople, talk-show guests, 
semicelebrities. They are, you might say, 
professional Survivors. 

Understandably, among those who 
make survival their profession—those 
who run or teach at schools devoted to 
wilderness survival skills—there's fre- 
quent scorn for the show, occasional 
grudging admiration and overall a con- 
sensus that whatever it was, it had little 
to do with true survival. 

“I was really excited when I heard the 
show was coming out,” says Cody Lun- 
din of the Aboriginal Living Skills School 
in Prescott, Arizona. “I thought, Great, 
you don't need to bullshit with these 
skills—they're interesting, they're dy- 
namic, this is going to be really cool. But 
1 might have known that if anyone can 
fuck something up, it's Hollywood.” 

This is not to say that true survivalists 
are uniformly disdain ful of the castaways 
themselves—under a diflerent setup, Da- 
vid Alloway insists that a group of peo- 
ple could have survived for six weeks 
with much less help than the show gave 
them. “The producer said he didn’t 
think any of those people could survive 
if he didn't give them rice, that he was 
the only person who would have been 
able to survive,” says Alloway. “That's 
pretty much in line with Burnett's ego. 
But if they had restructured, they ab- 
solutely could have survived. They had 
fresh water, and they had a lot of re- 
sources, especially animal resources 
They got away from the rat cooking pret- 
ty quick, but they could have eaten rata 
long time, and done the island ecology a 
lot of good in the process.” 

He continues, laughing. “And Rich- 
ard, instead of dragging one of the dead- 
liest snakes in the world by the tail to 
the surf to watch it swim, could have 
whacked it and eaten the thing. Thats 
something I can't wait to teach my stu- 
dents: to play with venomous snakes.” 
(In actuality, the castaways were forbid- 
den to kill and eat the island's lizards 
and snakes, though they were free to 
devour the rats.) 


Survival specialists have other com- 
plaints about the castaways’ behavior 
They should have realized that eels and 
rays make better bait than they do food, 
they should have used the island’s re- 
sources more and relied on rice less; 
they should never have voted off Gretch- 
en, the castaway with the best survival 
skills; they should have arrived at the is- 
land better prepared. 

“I think they were given the tools and 
the resources, but they weren't taught 
how to use them," says Ford Church. “If 
they had been given a one- or two-week 
course before they went out there, they 
could have taken away some of the luxu- 
ries they were given and had a more re- 
alistic survival situation.” 

But Survivor was really about a com- 
pletely different survival situation: sur- 
viving the other castaways to win the 
ion dollars. And if that meant elim- 
inating threats and violating every rule 
of group survival, so be it. 

“The whole premise of ‘last man stand- 
ing’ is antithetical to what I teach in 
group survival situations,” says Alloway. 
“And that's basically that everybody has 
strong points, and you should look to 
those people at certain times. But that's 
not what this was about.” 

Cody Lundin agrees. “If you've stud- 
ied tribal culture, you know that any 
tribe that acted like that would be dead.” 
he says. “It’s giving people a false im- 
pression of skills, and it's really doing a 
number on teamwork in general. Any- 
one who teaches survival, or anyone who 
has any common sense at all, knows that 
if you're in any survival situation with a 
group of people, you have to work to- 
gether. And that's exactly what this show 
wasn't about. It was a classic 21st century 
case of `1 want to screw you so I can get 
some cash.” 

Not coincidentally, management con- 
sultants have a similar take on the show. 
“The situation was structured to be what 
is called a zero-sum game, which means 
somebody has to lose in order for me to 
win,” says Joseph Fabricatore. “In most 
corporations, that is not the mentality 
that's followed today. What's followed is 
a win-win, or non-zero-sum game, in 
which everybody gets the opportunity 
to participate in the positive outcome. 
That's the motivation for performing. 
Survivor has a contrived and primitive 


is not to say that the basis of 
Rich's strategy—building an alliance to 
secure his position—was a bad one. “Con- 
sensus building and alliance building 
does go on, and that can be good,” says 
John Challenger, president and chief ex- 
ecutive officer of the Chicago-based out- 
placement firm Challenger, Gray and 
Christmas. “One of the primary reasons 
mergers and acquisitions aren't success- 
ful is the failure to build alliances. The 
Machiavellian side of it only works for so 
long before people start seeing through 


it. It can catch up with you.” 

Business consultant Neal Lenarsky, 
who runs Strategic Transitions, Inc. in 
southern California, says Rich's strategy 
identified him as a type known as “the 
corporate terrorist." Lenarsky identifies 
three common types: the terrorist who 
relies on intimidation, the loyalist who 
cares for his co-workers, and the benign 
sabotcur who tries not to offend anyone 
but will walk away when colleagues need 
them. (Sean, with his alphabetical voting 
strategy, is the classic benign saboteur.) 

“We all know assholes who survive for 
long periods of time,” concedes Lenar- 
ut their success is usually short- 
lived. 105 just a fact of nature: If some- 
one pisses off enough people, irritates 
enough people or alienates enough peo- 
ple, he's going to get killed. And on the 
show, because of the limited amount of 
time and how people are voted off, this 
guy managed to win and be a terrorist at 
the same time.” 

But, then, we're not talking about the 
real world here—we're talking about a 
hit television show, where what worked 
the first time around will most like- 
ly be trotted out again in the outback. 
A friend of Cody Lundin was a finalist 
for Survivor: The Australian Outback. The 
man, who was part Native American and 


had taught survival skills for years, was 
flown to Los Angeles for the last round 
of interviews. “He walked into the hotel 
where they were doing it, took a look 
around and walked out,” Lundin. “I 
talked to him afterward and he said, `1 
could tell from the vibe that it wouldn't 
flatter me to be a part of this organiza- 
tion.” Basically, he said there were lots of 
blondes there—they scemed to be going 
after chicks with big tits—and he didn't 
want any part of i 

For the next go-around, Lundin has a 
modest proposal—one that he knows no 
network would ever have the nerve to 
implement. “If they want to be cutting 
edge,” he says flatly, “they should make 
it for real. Have people sign a big-ass 
waiver—and, you know, maybe people 
would dic.” 

Then he laughs; you can’t be a mod- 
ern survivor, even in the Arizona desert, 
without knowing how to face the facts. 
“They could have had а neat show,” he 
says, “but you can't argue with ratings. 
That's their bread and butter, that's 
all they care about. It may have been 
a joke as far as su skills go, but they 
got 50 million Americans. How can I 


knock that?” 


LORENA BOBBITT IN HER STUDY 


139 


PLAYBOY 


140 


Sela. Ward яг 


You disrobe and there are 50 people standing around, 
respectfully trying not to look at anything. 


means Amen, Hallelujah, Lift up. My 
version is without an / at the end. А wom- 
an named Sela from upstate New York 
sent me a note, telling me she got her 
name because she was the last of seven 
children, and the name means Amen. 
I'd love to steal her story, but I'm the 
oldest of four. 


7 


PLAYBOY: As a Sprint spokesperson, do 
you get free phone cards or anything? 
And what's your average phone bill? 
WARD: I gota cell phone from Sprint last 
Christmas. I'm a phoneaholic. My cell 
phone bill is $300, my Internet bill is 
$100, my DSL is $59, the phone at my 
home in Mississippi is $200, my LA 
home phone bill is $500—Sprint loves 
me! I'm on the cell phone all the time. If 
T'm not working, the house phone bill is 
that much, too. I'm always on the phone. 
I call my mother every day to check on 
her. She hasn't been in good health. | 
check on my sister in Miami, or talk to 
my friends. I love the phone. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Is bed a proper place for a dra- 
matic series? 

warn: Where else is there more dra- 
ma than in bed? You've got screaming, 
you've got crying, begging, moaning. All 
the active verbs. Every drama in the 
world could be played out between the 
sheets. Every great drama 


9 


PLAYBOY: Will there be a line of Sela 
Ward bedsheets? 

warb: There should be, because it's my 
obsession. It's my fetish. 1 buy sheets and 
dishes. Every time I’m in Italy ГИ hit a 
Frette or Pratesi linen store and stock 
up. I love those really soft Egyptian cot- 
ton sheets. I'd spend all my money on 
sheets, or great-looking dishes, even if I 
had to resort to eating peanut butter and 
jelly sandwiches. There's nothing more 
important than how sheets feel on your 
skin when you crawl into bed. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Give us the Sela Ward primer 
оп sexuality. 

WARD: The three Ms—mood, method 
and madness. | didn't want to get mar- 
ried until 1 was 35. If you make it to your 
early 30s still single, it's such a great 
ball game. You have a different vantage 
point. You're down on the field. You're 
not up in the bleachers. You're there ina 
way that I don't think is available to one 
at a younger age. I'm obviously speaking 
from my own experience. I'm sure there 
are many exceptions. 


11 


PLAYBOY: Do you still have your cheer- 
leading outfits? 

warp: Oh, I'm sure—at Mama's house 
somewhere. I still have them from junior 
high school. In fact, I just brought home 


“OK, I'll watch ‘Felicity’ with you.” 


my little dance review costumes for my 
daughter—they had been packed away 
in a chest at my mother's house. I save 
everything like that. I'm very sentimen- 
tal and nostalgic. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Is cheerleading always sincere? 
warn: Of course not! What in the per- 
forming arts is? 1 remember cheering 
for basketball games. 1 loved football, 
but I couldn't care less about basketball 
1 couldn't tell you who was a forward or 
а guard. Wasn't interested at all. But 1 
sure acted like I was. I cheered my little 
heart out! I loved cheering for football. 
You really felt you were part of some- 
thing amazing, because Alabama football 
was a religion. Huge! 


13 


PLAYBOY: Any embarrassing moments on 
the field or court? Ever forget anything? 
warn: I did get run over by the players. 
Fell flat on my face. You know how you 
lead them when your team is coming out 
and the cheerleaders go ahead of them? 
Everybody was coming so fast, 1 fell flat 
on my face and they all stepped around 
me. The guys didn't even stop to pick me 
up. That's pretty embarrassing. A mouth 
full of Astroturf. That happened on the 
home field. As for forgetting anything— 
you mean like underwear? It’s hard to 
forget your panues when your partner 
is staring up your crotch 75 percent of 
the game. 


14 


PLAYBOY: There are more porno films 
with story lines involving homecoming 
queens, cheerleaders or sorority girls. 
And then there are stewardesses. How 
would you account for that? Are these 
categories overrated? 

warp: There's an obsession with how 
cute and perky and pure they look, but 
you know that they're secretly doing the 
quarterback. They connote purity, all- 
American, apple pie, the untouchable, 
no access to, the forbidden unpicked 
fruit! As to their being overrated, 1 don't 
think so, because I was all three! Actual- 
ly, I started to be a stewardess. Wouldn't 
that have been ironic? I was oflered a job 
at Eastern Airlines when 1 was taken on 
by Wilhelmina Models. That would have 
been really strange. Thank God. That 
saved me from being a cliché. 


15 


PLAYBOY: You dated Richard Dean An- 
derson for a while. Could MacGyver fix 
everything at the last minute? 

WARD: Obviously not. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Our readers want to know—on 
Once and Again it looks like you're naked 
under the covers. Are you? 


warp: Well, when the bare bum is show- 
ing, there ain't much else underneath. 
We're one close, happy family. 


17 


PLAYBOY: What is the unwritten etiquette 
to filming nude scenes? 

WARD: ГИ cover yours if you'll cover 
mine. You totally disrobe and there are 
50 people standing around being voy- 
eurs, and everybody is respectfully try- 
ing not to look at anything. Itis so tech- 
nical. Half the time—particularly doing 
television—getting Billy Campbell to put 
his arm here to cover this part of my 
anatomy, and his leg there so it covers 
another part of my anatomy, is excruci- 
ating to orchestrate. Not that it's not en- 
Joyable. The etiquette comes in trying to 
protect your co-star—he may be a bit 
too heavy around the waist or he hasn't 
worked out enough. You find ways to 
take care of each other. That's not a very 
sexy answer. You just hope you really 
like the person you're in bed with. 


18 


PLAYBOY: Did anything unexpectedly hap- 
pen to crop up? 

WARD: "Cause he's having sex with him- 
self? Well, I would never tell. 


19 


PLAYBOY: Do you have to sign a waiver to 
your husband? 

warp: To have legal cheating? No, I've 
just got to take real good care of him the 
night before and the night after. Bless 
his heart. I have to say, he's one of those 
guys with a really strong center. He's 
a very successful man with a Harvard 
MBA. But I am his woman. He won't 
look at the dailies, and he probably looks 
with one eye as he's watching the fin- 
ished product. And, you know, I can't 
blame him. He never says a word; he 
knows it's my job. It would be casier, 
maybe, if he were an actor and had that 
experience. 1 came home one day and 1 
had just had this love scene with Billy. 1 
flew out of the trailer to get home. 1 had 
lipstick smeared all over my face. My 
husband looked at me and said, “Honey, 
did you have a love scene tonight?” 1 
said, “Oh yeah, yeah I did.” It’s a strange 
thing, crawling into bed with your hus- 
band after just making out with another 
guy 30 minutes earlier. It's an odd set of 
circumstances. 


20 


PLAYBOY: Under what circumstances can 
you hear a pin drop? 

warb: When you're having sex and the 
kids are playing in the next room. Any 
time you're in bed and there are people 
milling around the house. I can hear 


everything. 


Alma Cedo Smith 
(continued from page 130) 

A few weeks later, in January 1995, 
J. Howard Marshall became seriously 
ill. His son and heir, E. Pierce Marshall, 
moved to be appointed his legal guard- 
ian. According to one of Anna Nicole's 
lawyers, the guardianship arrangement 
permitted her to visit her husband for 
only 30 minutes ata time. 

By the time of Marshall's death, on 
August 5, 1995, relations between Pierce 
and Anna Nicole had deteriorated to the 
point that they held separate funerals, 
an agreement negotiated through their 
lawyers. 

They also reached an agreement to 
split his ashes, but it required a court 
hearing to settle the matter. 

For her part, Anna found that there 

was a high price to pay for her celebrity 
and her relationship with Marshall. In 
addition to being raw material for stories 
mined by the tabloids, she became an 
easy target for radio DJs and TV talk- 
show hosts. She earned the dubious dis- 
tinction of being the subject of two of 
David Letterman's Top 10 Lists. The 
first, aired just 10 days after her husband 
died, featured Anna Nicole Smith's Dat- 
ing Tips. Among them: 
e Prepare a candlelit dinner. If he can 
blow out the candle, you don't want him. 
* Good pickup line: Can I prechew that 
for you? 

Feeling desperate and unhappy in the 


months after her husband's death, An- 
na turned to drugs. She reported at one 
time that she was taking more than 100 
pills a day, and her weight ballooned to 
200 pounds. She finally sought help by 
checking into the Betty Ford Clinic, but 
that did nothing to help solve her new- 
er problem, financial woes. In January 
1996, Anna filed for bankruptcy protec- 
tion in federal court. 

But last September, in a decision on 
her bankruptcy filing, a federal judge in 
California ruled that Anna was entitled 
to $450 million, the estimated amount 
Marshall's fortune increased during the 
14 months they were married (that's 
more than a million dollars a day for 
cach day of her union). 

A few days after that ruling, a separate 
trial began in a county probate court in 
Houston. Anna daims that her husband 
made verbal promises to leave her half 
of his estate. Pierce counters that she is 
not even mentioned in at least five wills 
written by his father. His older brother, 
also demanding a settlement, has testi- 
fied on Anna's behalf. 

With jurisdictional disputes, the cer- 
tainty of appeals, and questions about 
the size of Marshall's estate, it's unlikely 
that Anna will see hundreds of millions 
of dollars any time soon. 

Whatever happens, you can be certain 
we haven't seen the last of her. In the 
meantime, enjoy what you see here. 


Despite years of having smoke blown up his ass, Herb gets 
a clean bill of health. 


141 


What Ne You De With $450 Y 


ол? 


our financial advisor gives Anna Nicole sane advice on how to keep her fortune 


likely to be the only free 
advice that Anna Nicole Smith 
ever receives. Money always draws 
a crowd, particularly in Texas, 
and the crowd always wants a piece of 
the action. 

Everyone who comes to see me for 
the first time basically wants one thing: 
financial freedom. Assuming Smith re- 
ceives the almost $450 million award- 
ed her by Texas judge Samuel Buf- 
ford, she will have that freedom. Here 
is my simple plan for making sure she 
preserves the money and keeps much 
of it growing as well. 

(1) Make sure that $100 million gets 
tucked away as your absolute stake-in- 
life stash. This is the piece no one can 
take away, steal or con from you. It is 
also the part from which you take your 
income—your paycheck, if you will, 
your pin money. It should be invested 
in a combination of triple-A, insured 
tax-free bonds and U.S. Treasuries lad- 
dered with different maturities. This 
portfolio would throw off to you ap- 
proximately five and a half percent on 
average, or $5.5 million annually. This 
is bedrock, like the sayings of Sam 
Houston, Jim Bowie and Kinky Fried- 
man. If anyone tries to attack thi 
portion of your money, just say, “My 
trustees cannot allow anyone to have 
a nickel of this. You have to speak to 
them, but I'll save you the trouble. 
They always say no.” Blame it on the 
trustees, But don't have any trustees. 
The threat of mystical unnamed au- 
thority usually scares off the patent- 
medicine crowd who just rolled into 
town with magical elixirs. 

(2) You definitely want to be in equi- 
ties, the stock market, for the second 
leg of your plan and another $100 mil- 
lion. Common stocks have returned, 
on average, approximately 11 percent 
annually over the past 60 years or so, 
outperforming virtually every other 
investment, including gold, fine art 
and real estate. This 11 percent figure 
represents about eight to nine percent 
in appreciation and two percent in 
dividends. Bear in mind that money 
doubles in nine years at eight percent, 
so that your chances of doing better 
than that with this portion of your 
funds are favorable. You have a great 
advantage (several, in fact) over most 
investors. Smart men will take your 
phone calls. Smart men are curious, 
and most of them enjoy the challenge 


By JOHN О. SPOONER 


of women, particularly women with 
good problems. Call Richard Rainwater 
in Houston. Ask him to name the best 
money managers. Call Warren Buffett 
in Omaha. Ask him for recommen- 
dations. (I know he has had his own 
Hooters membership card. He sent 
an expired one to Jack Welsh of GE.) 
Hell, go ahead and call Jack Welsh. 
I'm sure someone once told you to go 
to the top. Keep doing it. 

(3) The next piece of the puzzle 
should be another $100 million that 
you allocate toward a combination of 
venture capital and real estate invest- 
ments. You want to move only with 
proven winners in these arenas. Call 
Mort Zuckerman at Boston Properties 
(real estate) in New York. He's one of 
the wealthiest men in America, and 
though he may be a little young for 


you, he’s smart, owns the Daily News 
(which can keep you in the press) and 
knows all of the important real estate 
moguls in the country, many of whom 
are elderly and could use a jump start 
beyond mere cash infusions. 

Also check out the venture capital 
area, which should include leveraged 
buyouts as well (the former invests in 
start-up and early-stage companies, 
mainly in sexy new businesses like bio- 
tech and technology of all sorts, in- 
cluding, until recently, the Internet). 
Leveraged buyout firms concentrate 
on enhancing investment possibilities 
in seasoned but seemingly underval- 
ued companies. You'll bring enough 
money to the table to play with the big 
guys, so I would call Tom Lee, chief 
executive officer of the venture firm in 
New York and Boston that bears his 
name. Being a gentleman of the old 
school, he would help a damsel in dis- 
tress and probably take some of your 
money as well. You enter this venture 


world—more speculative than blue- 
chip stock investing—hoping for the 
home run, the 10-to-one hit. 

(4) You grew up the hard way and 
then you hit the three cherries. It's 
time to give back to society. Charitable 
giving is the last $100 million leg in 
your program. The money should be 
placed into the Smith Family Founda- 
tion that a smart lawyer with common 
sense should establish. With this foun- 
dation you can achieve immortality, 
because it will survive you and go on 
and on. Your son should be involved 
eventually, probably as a trustee. It will 
teach him about the problems of the 
world. Only five percent of the body of 
the foundation needs to be distribut- 
ed annually by law, which leaves a lot 
of room for growth. This can be a 
big deal in the future and a powerful 
springboard for Smiths yet to come. 
For giving $10 million for a building at 
Harvard or Stanford or the Universi- 
ty of Chicago, for instance, you could 
demand that they not only name the 
building for you but also carve your 
image in stone on the facade. MIT and 
the University of Texas would proba- 
bly be particularly responsive to this. 

(5) For the remaining $50 million, 1 
would add two items, one important 
and the other frivolous. The impor- 
tant one is an incentive trust for your 
son. More people are ruined by inher- 
itance than saved, and if you are a true 
Texan you will want him to show some 
true grit. Pick a figure—say $5 million 
or $10 million. Set up this incentive 
trust with you as trustee, plus another 
trustee who's honest, smart 
minded, and name the 
Such as $1000 a month at the age of 
21, unless he finishes colleg in which 
case the monthly check is $5000. Or 
$2000 а month when he's out 
But once he demonstrates that he's 5 
working hard and brings his W-2 form 
to the trustees, this figure will ramp up 
if he hits certain guidelines. In oth- 
er words, the trust demands that your 
son show character. 

The remainder of the money—you 
can let it rip. Mad money. ‘Take fliers. 
back a movie, invest in new ari 
buy a restaurant, sponsor a car-racing 


team. If you blow this entire part of 
your bequest, it won't change your 
new life in any way, and it will be a 
wonderful learning experience. 


REALLY HIGH STEEL continued from page 72) 


First, there’s the view. 


Jot just mind-blowing, say the 


astronauts who have done it, but life-altering. 


and Hieb had been provided with plac- 
es to restrain their feet. Akers and fel- 
low mission specialist Kathy Thornton 
had the parts for a truss they planned 
to assemble on a space walk the follow- 
ing day, so it was proposed that they use 
that to jerry-build a third platform. If 
the pilot, Kevin Chilton, could maneu- 
ver them close enough to Intelsat, there 
was a chance. 

Houston tried it out overnight in their 
giant pool—the Weightless Environment 
‘Training Facility—then tock a deep 
breath and gave the astronauts the go- 
ahead. Akers is the one who went out in- 
to the cargo bay, sharing an umbilical 
with Thuot. It took the three about an 
hour to assemble the new platform and 
attach foot restraints. 

“We had to position ourselves equi- 
distant,” Akers recalls. “Then the shuttle 
pilot and commander flew us up to 
the satellite. Thuot, Hieb and I took up 
positions around it. And then we just 
reached up and grabbed hold of it. It 
was hard to coordinate. The communi- 
cations system in the EVA space suits was 


designed for just two people—there are 
only two frequencies. With three people, 
two had to be on the same frequency. So 
we decided we would all transmit on the 
same frequency. If you tried talking at 
the same time you would just get a loud 
squeal. So the way we did it was, Ricky 
Hieb was the quarterback. He said, ‘OK, 
is everybody ready?’ We answered in 
turn. Then we coordinated the timing 
on his cue. He said, ‘OK, OK, grab!’ And 
it worked.” 

The Intelsat was repaired and re- 
leased, and it boosted itself up into orbit 
Akers went on to fly two more shuttle 
missions and to become the second most 
experienced spacewalker with a total of 
29 hours and 40 minutes, a milestone he 
dismisses with typical self-deprecation: 
“All that demonstrates is that I'm а slow- 
er worker than everyone else.” But his 
colleagues in Houston see it differently. 

“The Intelsat rescue was the big one,” 


says McArthur, one of the new breed of 


spacewalkers. “It took place right there 
on TV with the whole world watching 
What Tom brought to that exercise was 


an inherent cleverness with tools and 
practical problem-solving. He won't ad- 
mit it, but that was an Akers save, Ever 
since, if you ask NASA what they're look- 
ing for today, they'll tell you that they're 
looking for Tom Akers clones.” 


‘The original seven astronauts pos- 
sessed what Tom Wolfe had dubbed the 
Right Stuff, the essence of pure man- 
hood that led them right up the ladder 
of fighter-jock stardom to the vanguard 
of the New Frontier. The original seven 
gave way to an overtrained, cross-di: 
plined astronaut corps that spent most 
of its time waiting for a mission, laid out 
under glass in Houston during the Sev- 
enties and Eighties like an exhibit of 
exotic lepidoptera. These were NASA's 
superachievers, a second generation of 
would-be space explorers who had been 
compiling credentials for astronaut se- 
lection for a lifetime, folks with multiple 
degrees in things like astrophysics, aero- 
nautical engineering and microbiology 
who were also, as it happens, jet pilots or 
emergency room physicians (or both!) in 
their off-hours. In relatively anonymous 
groups of six and seven, still basking in 
the afterglow of supreme astronaut sta- 
tus—the days of ticker tape parades and 
White House ceremonies—these super- 
scouts gradually got their one or two 
chances to ride the shuttle rockets into 


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BLATT BOY 


orbit, adding to their impressive collec- 
tions the rarest, most prestigious merit 
badge of all. Yet when they went shop- 
ping, nobody knew who they were. 

Today's astronauts are still more ob- 
scure. The job no longer carries the lus- 
ter it had in the past. Three hundred 
and ninety-seven people have flown in 
space, from 29 nations. NASA's astro- 
naut corps now numbers 194, and the 
space agency hires them by the dozen 
To the rest of the world they have be- 
come interchangeable, the units who 
make up crews of carefully balanced col- 
or, gender and nationality who tinker 
1 obscure experiments in microgravi- 
ty aboard the Space Shuttle, which, ex- 
cept for that mishap back in 1986 when 
NASA blasted that poor New Hampshire 
schoolteacher to smithereens, has come 
to appear about as threatening as the 
redeye from Tokyo to LA. Oddly, as 
space travel has become safer and more 
routine, cultural attitudes have evolved 
in the opposite direction. Thirty years 
ago it was Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A 
Space Odyssey that defined our dreams of 
space exploration, technology pushing 
man to a higher plane of existence. To- 
day's controlling myth seems to be Alien, 
Ridley Scott's vision of space as a men- 
ace, от, more recently, Armageddon. The 
more we learn about space, the more 
hostile it seems. A growing number of 
scientists believe, after 40 years of exper- 


imentation, that space is far too hostile 
an environment for human beings, that 
maintaining safe habitats in zero gravity 
and interplanetary space is ridiculous- 
ly expensive and of questionable value, 
and that it is far less expensive and risky, 
and far more scientifically worthwhile, to 
send robotic explorers to distant planets, 
moons and asteroids. 

Resisting this train of thought has be- 
come part of the corporate culture of 
NASA. Its newest generation of anony- 
mous astronauts inhabit the sunbaked 
grounds of the sprawling Johnson Space 
Center south of Houston like adherents 
of some futuristic cult. NASA enters the 
new century as an established if under- 
funded bureaucracy. Like all bureaucra- 
cies, it would be damn hard to kill. It is 
an industry that employs many thou- 
sands all over the country. And just 
as the rampant sprawl of Houston has 
absorbed the once-distant Space Center 
so that it is now just another suburban 
neighborhood, the space agency has 
sunk deep roots into American mytholo- 
gy. It is a temple for true believers in 
technology, for those who see space ex- 
ploration not just asa giant science proj- 
ect but as the inevitable unfolding of 
human destiny. Our ultimate survival re- 
quires not just human direction at con- 
soles on the ground, but also human 
presence in space. Either mankind is 
destined to perish with the sun in some 


al supernova a gigabillion years in the 
future, or we will spread out in the uni- 
verse, first to the solar system and then 
beyond, designing, building and m 
taining our own habitats. Viewed thi 
way, there is no more important work 
going on in the 21st century than the ex- 
ploration of space. 

The past 40 years have been primarily 
an exercise in demonstrating that we can 
safely slip the bounds of earth and re- 
turn. Now begins the task of learning 
how to live and work in space. This new 
generation hopes to leave as its legacy 
the International Space Station, a per- 
manent orbiting space campus that looks 
like a tangled squadron of box kites 

Building the Space Station has elevat- 
ed the job of mission specialist to the top 
of the pile. Until now, the primo astro- 
naut job had always been pilot, heir to 
the macho luster of the fighter pilot. The 
Space Station has ushered in the EVA 
era of astronauting, one where the most 
coveted job in the system is not just rid- 
ing the rocket but dancing in the void, 
hanging 10 over the whole wide world. 

In October, Brian Duffy, who has 
logged 978 hours in space, command- 
ed a mission that delivered something 
called the 7-1 Truss to the seed of the 
Space Station in orbit. Previously, two 
modules, the Russian-built Zarya and an 
American one called Unity, had been shot 
into orbit, awaiting the all-important 


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146 


crew module, which had been delayed 
for two years by a lack of money and 
problems with Russia's Proton booster. 
That module was delivered last June. 

Although the Z-1 Truss was unexciting 
in itself (it looked like a well-packed 
trunk), it was the first major connector for 
the Space Station. The truss houses four 
control moment gyros that will give the 
final station the mobility and stability пес- 
essary for permanent human occupation, 
which began with the arrival of a Russian 
and American crew in November. 

Five years and billions of dollars and 
rubles from now, after more than 40 as- 
sembly missions have flown and all 100 
components are attached, it will be hard 
to even find the Z-1 Truss embedded in 
the middle of the complex assembly. But 
it is the linchpin. The astronauts who 
spacewalked from the shuttle Discovery to 


set it in place—Leroy Chiao, Peter Wi- 
soff, Michael Lopez-Alegria and Bill Mc- 
Arthur—are the first of the real hard 
hats in space 

Spacewalking remains the province of 
very few. There have been only 98 EVAs 
by American astronauts. Among the 
growing club of astronauts, the space- 
walkers form a kind of elite. It's the first 
thing most candidates say when asked 
what kind of mission they would like to 
perform in orbit, and only a select few 
get the assignment. "Everyone who be- 
Comes an astronaut candidate is asked to 
note the kind of things they would even- 
tually like to do, and just about every- 
body puts down EVA,” says McArthur. 
“When I went for my first evaluation, 
they saw that I'd written that down and 
said, ‘An EVA? You and everybody else 
It's one thing to ride a rocket into orbit 


“Yes—since you ask—I have had better anniversary surprises!” 


and watch the earth roll by beneath you 
from the window of Endeavour, Soyuz ог 
Mir. It's another to EVA, to open the 
door and step out into the eternal black- 
ness of space to become a self-contained, 
free-falling human satellite, a celestial 
body of one. 

First, there's the view. Not just mind- 
blowing, say the astronauts who have 
seen it, but life-altering, as if expanding 
the borders of your vision from horizon 
to horizon nudges consciousness out in- 
to regions of gray matter heretofore un- 
used. “It's one thing if you're driving in 
а саг and see a spectacular view, but if 
you stop and get out and stand there to 
really experience the view, it's 100 times 
better,” says Chiao. “You experience 
a visceral response. You're completely 
on your own. The whole world is float- 
ing by. 1 remember watching down be- 
tween my boots as my feet passed over 
continents.” 

But enjoying the view and getting 
any work done are two different things 
Even though you are weightless, the 
bulky space suit has considerable mass, 
which means you must cope with sub- 
stantial inertia. It's hard to get moving, 
and, once moving, hard to stop. The in- 
side of the suit is pressurized, like a bal- 
loon, so it takes effort to тоуе, even to 
open and close your hands. At first you 
don’t notice it, but after 15 minutes or so, 
itis painfully wearying. The inside of the 
suit is not soft—it has bearings, joints, 
seams and a lot of internal stiffness. The 
upper torso is a fiberglass shell. After you 
have battled around inside for a few 
hours, it is not unusual to accumulate 
bumps and bruises. Above all, working 
in space requires breaking down and re- 
learning just about every small action 
once taken without thought on earth. 

“The first thing that I learned about 
working in space was to conserve hand 
strength,” says Chiao, who has a doctor- 
ate in chemical engineering but whose 
thick neck, torso and arms reveal an 
equal devotion to the weight room. “You 
don't use your legs much in a weightless 
environment, and since you move by 
pulling yourself around, you are con- 
stantly grabbing on to things. Your ten- 
dency at first is to grab things tightly, 
because you hold on tight on earth to 
support your body weight. But in space 
you learn to just lightly grasp things, 
maybe using only one or two fingers. 
When you use a wrench, you have to 
hold it tightly for the initial turn, then 
you can loosen your grip for the remain- 
der of the turns. If you're using a power 
tool, you learn right away that if the drill 
end is turning clockwise, then the tool 
wants to turn counterclockwise. So you 
learn to make sure that it isn't pushing 
on the weak side of your hand—your 
fingers—but into the meaty side of your 
hand. If you don't do those things, about 
one hour into the space walk you will 
find yourself exhausted.” 


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148 


Some astronauts find the experience 
of climbing out into space so vertiginous 
that they must fight nausea and terror. 
There is a corporate code at NASA that 
discourages discussing the unpleasant 
aspects of space flight, but more than 
half of all astronauts уоти upon еп- 
countering weightlessness, severe back 
pain is common as the spine stretches, 
and bathrooms е being in a re- 
ally bad hotel with facilities you don't 
want to go near,” says astronaut Kenneth 
Cockrell. Most astronauts are ecstatic 
about the joys of spacewalking, but for- 
mer astronaut Jerry Linenger, who spent 
months aboard Mir in 1997 and who has 
been more candid than most about his 
experiences, described feeling an ove: 
whelming sense of falling when he took 
his first space walk. He felt himself plum- 
meting at 18,000 mph, a sensation noth- 
ing like what he felt working for all those 
months in the weightlessness training 
pools. “It wasn't just me falling, but ev- 
erything was falling, which gave an even 
more unsettling feeling. So it was like 
you have to overcome 40 years or what- 
ever of life experiences that tell you to let 
go when everything falls. It was a very 
strong, almost overwhelming sensation 
that you just had to control. And I was 
able to control it, and I was glad I was 
able to control и. But 1 could see where 
it could have put me over the edge.” 

“Some people aren't very good at cop- 
ing with a situation where they don't 
have a lot of control,” says Cockrell. 
“Working in space involves being in an 
unusual and frightening situation over 
which you cannot exercise complete 


control. So many of the things you have 
to do are counterintuitive, like hanging 
on when the thing you are grabbing feels 
ike its falling, or trying to turn a latch 
and finding yourself spinning in the op- 
posite direction. Things happen in slow 
motion. You can make a wrong move 
that sets in motion a huge calamity, and 
you realize it a moment too late to cor- 
rect it, so you become an audience, 
watching yourself fail inexorably in slow 
motion. You don't hear astronauts com- 
plaining about it, but what you do see 
are people who come back lying about 
how great the experience was and then 
quietly leave the program 

NASA is still trying to develop better 
ways to prepare their hard hats. They 
use virtual reality to acquaint them with 
some of the sensations of spacewalking. 
1 tried it out at the Johnson Space Cen- 
ter, donning helmet and gloves and then 
opening the simulated shuttle hatch to 
step out into space. Although it still 
seemed too much like a cartoon version 
of the real world to feel overpowering, it 
was dizzying at first. You view the scene 
through a helmet visor and when you lift 
your hands or reach you see gloved cy 
ber hands making the same motions in 
the simulation. As you move along the 
outside maze of the station, the earth 
rolls lazily past below. I attempted climb- 


ing—or crawling—around the surface of 


the station by reaching out for one hand- 
hold after another, quickly got lost and 
managed to send myself drifting away 
from the station into the nether regions 
of cyberspace. The astronauts who train 
with the device float around the simula- 


tion like industrious moths. 

Closer to the real thing is the work 
done in the pool, where the wannabes 
are separated from those who will be se- 
lected for space walks. Working in this 
simulated environment is actually some- 
what harder physically than working in 
space, and it takes ingenuity. Many of 
those eliminated in the pool fall victim to 
frustration 

“You have to be the kind of person 
who responds to a difficult small prob- 
lem not with frustration but with de- 
light,” says McArthur. “It just defines a 
certain kind of personality, and the pool 
makes it clear pretty fast who qualifies 
and who doesn't." 

True EVAers learn to love the pool. 
They spend 10 hours training for ev- 
ery one hour they will spend walking 
in spaci 

“Inside the space suit you feel a lot like 
the Michelin Man,” says Cockrell. “They 
put weights on you underwater so you 
neither float nor descend, and you just 
run through every task you will have to 
do in space. And that's where they really 
evaluate you as a spacewalker." 

“When you're upside down in the 
pool, the blood flows to your head, and 
then when you're upright, you have the 
weight of the suit hanging on your 
shoulders,” says astronaut Michael Lo- 
pez-Alegria, who worked with Chiao 
to attach the 2-1 Truss. Lopez-Alegría 
had flown in space but had never done 
an EVA. 

“Some of the tools we have for doing 
the work in space are yery heavy here 
on earth, even in the pool,” he says. “So 
in that sense it's not realis пр. 
When you've been in the pool for four c 
five hours, it can be exhausting. I've 
been working with a strength coach two 
hours а day, three times a week, but I 
think I need the workouts more for the 
training sessions in the pool than I will 
for working in space. I'm going to re- 
serve judgment about whether all the 
gym work is necessary.” 

NASA has designed special tools for 
the construction work. All the bolts on 
the Space Station are the same, with sev- 
en-sixteenths of an inch heads that make 
it easier for a floating astronaut to grip 
p Tool, which resem- 


roids. The PGT's speci и can 
count the number of turns needed to 
secure or loosen a bolt, which prevents 
overtightening and saves labor. The 
spacewalkers carried swiveling socket ex- 
tensions for the PGT, a manual ratchet 
wrench capable of 100 foot-pounds of 
torque, other adjustable wrenches, a 
crowbar, vise grips, scissors and a dead- 
blow hammer with a pocket of shot in 
the head to absorb recoil, Because nor- 
mal steel turns brittle in the —200°Е to 
-250°F cold of space, the tools are all 
de of beryllium copper. 

“You have to be pretty vigilant with 


says McArthur. “A lot of in- 
stinctive good habits you develop work- 
ng on earth don't serve you well in 
space. For instance, you tend to focus 
your concentration on the work site. You 
use a tool and then you set it down next 
to you without taking your eyes from the 
work site. If you do that in space, when 
you reach back down for that tool, it's 
gone. It can easily drift away from you. 
So not only have you contributed to the 
problem of space debris, you might also 
have just lost a tool essential for finishing 
the job—and you can't run to the hard- 
ware store for a replacement. Some of 
the tools are on retractable tethers, so 
you have to learn tether discipline. 
When you are moving you are constant- 
ly attaching and releasing tethers. And 
the most important thing to tether is, of 
course, yourself.” 

So far, neither the Russian nor Ameri- 
can space program has lost a spacewalk- 
er. In December 1977, cosmonaut Yuri 
Romanenko nearly became a permanent 
satellite when he lost his balance at the 
hatch of Salyut 6 and floated helplessly 
off, failing his arms in a futile effort to 
im back. His tether was loose and 
trailing behind him, but fortunately his 
fellow cosmonaut was able to grab it and 
reel him back in. All it takes is for a bolt 
to break, or for a spacewalker to lose fo- 
cus and make a series of bad moves. The 
Space Station will have a small rescue 
vehicle in that event, but the prospect 
of drifting away alone with enough oxy- 
gen in your suit to allow for extended 
contemplation of your fate is enough 
to haunt the dreams of astronauts and 
would-be spacewalkers everywhere. At 
least the view would be spectacular. 

“You begin preparing for a space walk 
the night before,” says Peter Wisoll, who 
did a space walk in 1993 that lasted near- 
ly six hours, and who went out again to 
help attach the Z-1 Truss. “You get as far 
ahead as you can, getting your suit and 
tools ready. You wake up, grab some 
food quickly, put your electrodes on, 
strap on your diaper and then the liquid 
cooling undergarment, and then start 
to pull on the main suit. At this point 
like a circus on the flight deck with 
everyone floating around, helping you 
get ready. Once you have the lower por- 
tion of the suit on you go into the air 
lock, a small cylindrical closet, where a 
hatch closes behind you. You shimmy in- 
to the upper half of the suit. Then you 
for about an hour, breat! 
oxygen to get all of the nitrogen out of 
your blood. You go through suit checks 
and tether checks and then open the ai 
lock. Then, when 
sensations are quite fun. You take a sec- 
ond to absorb the view. On my first space 
k it was nighttime when 1 stepped 
out, and I could see lights from cities be- 
low. It's amazing how quickly your brain 
just decides one direction is up and the 
other is down, even though it makes ab- 


solutely no difference. You start off by 
moving real slow. You don't weigh any- 
thing but you still have inertia, so you 
don't want to get moving too fast. When 
you go past the shuttle windows you see 
everybody watching you from inside. 
You hear the airflow in your helmet, fan 
noises blowing air into your suit, and 
you hear your own breathing. And the 
first thing you notice are the differences 
between space and being in the pool. 
Water has viscosity, so it tends to stabilize 
you. Space doesn't. In space you are al- 
ways slowly drifting somewhere.” 

No matter how absorbing the work, 
“you never stop being amazed by where 
you are,” says Wisoff. "On my space walk 
1 remember looking out as we passed 
over the Western U.S. I could see all 
the way from southern California to Salt 
Lake City. I remember looking down 
and noting landmarks like the Amazon, 
Hawaii, the Galapagos Islands and Aus- 
tralia, and being affected by the histor 
cal impact. Looking down on the Strait 
of Gibraltar, where ancient ships took 
their first hesitant voyages out of the 
Mediterranean, and thinking, From up 
here, it’s no bigger than my thumb." 

Perhaps most important, when you're 
out there alone in the whirl of the 
universe, walking the really high steel, 
you are conducting a command perfor- 
mance. Not since the earliest days of 
the space program has the success and 
failure of an entire mission rested so 


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squarely on one or two people—or three 
in the case of Akers, Thuot and Hieb 
and the Intelsat rescue. The EVAers are 
an elite within the elite, a special corps, 
and when the moment arrives, it's like 
the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl 
or NBA championships, bottom of the 
ninth in the World Series. It's money 
time. Your fellow crew members will 
have their noses to the shuule windows, 
knowing your performance on the space 
walk will likely define the success or fail- 
ure of their mission. Back on the ground 
maybe the rest of the world doesn't care 
that much anymore, but the whole 
archy of NASA will be glued to their gi- 
ant TV screens, the folks who selected 
you for this mission, who trained you for 
it and who will be making selections in 
the future. 

“You do feel pressure while you're out 
there,” says Bill McArthur. “You feel like 
the whole world is watching you. You 
know that everybody at mission control 
is watching you. When an EVA starts, 
just about everything else stops and fo- 
cuses on you. For those hours when 
you're out there the mission is on your 
shoulders, and you don't want to mess 
up. Your peers, colleagues and fellow 
professionals are all watching you. You 


are under a microscope. The pressure is 


to be professional.” 
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LARGER PENIS ind fion page 109) 


The first time you pump, your penis will look like a big 
sausage—and be as functional as one. 


head and the other around the leg just 
above the knee. The user adjusts the ten- 
sion by moving his leg. 


MILKING 


"This isn't masturbation but an intense 
nonerotic exercise. The basic technique 
practiced by the ancients, pro baseball 
players and two-year-old boys is to gent- 
ly pull on the head of the penis sever- 
al times a day. Once that’s mastered, 
the milker begins a more rigorous rou- 
tine. He positions himself by making an 
A-OK sign with the thumb and forefin- 
ger around the base of his semierection 
and stroking rapid-fire to the head. The 
movement is continued with or without 
lubrication, using alternate hands. A regi- 
men might include 200 to 300 milkings 


a day at medium strength for the 
week, 300 to 500 milkings at me 
full strength for the second week and 
500 or more strong milkings thereafter. 

Following each session, which should 
leave the milker sore but not in pain, the 
milker should slap the penis 25 10 50 
times to aid circulation, suggests Hub- 
bard. Cup a hand over the testicles to 
protect them [гот low blows. 


m- 


PUMPS: 


An airtight plastic cylinder is placed 
over the penis and a manual or electric 
pump draws blood into the penis. Pump 
workouts last 30 to 60 minutes several 
times a week. “The first time you pump 
you'll be in awe of the mass of sausage 
hanging between your legs,” Hubbard 


“What better way to say ‘won't you be my valentine?” 


reports. “Gradually, you'll realize your 
as become about as functional as 
а sausage; instead of a stream of urine, 
you can produce only an aerosol spray. 
You may notice you can't get a firm егес- 
tion; you may develop red spots on your 
head from burst capillaries or painful 
lymph blisters. And the next morning 
you'll be disappointed to find that all the 
gains have disappeared.” 

There are dozens of online hucksters 
who sell instructions for programs that 
combine stretching, weights and pumps. 
The Chartham method, for example, in- 
volves exercises such as holding your pe- 
nis under warm water, pinching the sur- 
face area of the scrotum and repeatedly 
grasping the base of the penis until it 
swells. 


HYPNOSIS 


А $295 enlargement program devel- 
oped by MindQuest Hypnotherapy “en- 
courages the hypothalamus to release 
ters to stimulate the pitu- 
itary, which in turn releases the hor- 
mones needed for penis enlargement.” 
Each day for 12 weeks, the student lis- 
tens to a 20-minute tape of a woman who 
offers reassuring words about the size 
of his cock—a service once offered on- 
ly by prostitutes. MindQuest also offers 
“all-natural breast enlargement." It’s the 
same price, but per pair. 

In his book Penis Size and Enlargement, 
Gary Griffin recalls visiting a hypnother- 
apist who “invited us to mentally enter a 
department store, walk to the counter 
and flip through the catalog. It was a 
cock compendium. We were instructed 
to find the penis that most appealed to 
us. Then he regressed us to the point 
of conception. With mental scissors, we 
snipped out our current penis genes and 
replaced them with our catalog strand, 
We visualized our fetus developing а 
prominent penis. As we entered the 
world, we watched the doctor and nurs- 
es comment on the unusually large pe- 
5. We were to picture ourselves at the 
ge of 18 with our catalog cocks hanging 
halfway down our legs.” To help with 
sualization, the thera 
fin to take a nude sna) 
and paste an image of his ideal penis over 
his own. 


PILLS 


A variety of mail-order firms sell sup- 
plements they claim will boost size. “We 
overed the formula while research- 
ing herbal treatments for angina in West. 
a," an "ethnobotany" researcher 
claims at one online site. "The medicine 
man told us, ‘It sends the blood where 
the blood must go."" The site attempts to 
close the sale with a touch of reverse psy- 
chology: “Sadly, the penis er 
field has attracted some ques 


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The typical penis-enlargement sur- 
gery costs $4000 to $7000. TI he surgeon 
makes an incision in the abdomen above 
where the penis attaches to the body, 
Once inside, he snips a crucial ligament 
that supports erections. The “inner pe- 
nis” is then tugged away from the bone. 
Once the wound heals (no sex or mas- 
turbation for a month), the penis hangs 
lower, like the floppy ear of a sad dog. 
The appearance of added length—an 
inch at best—is more apparent when the 
ient is soft. Because its suspensory lig- 
ament has been cut, the erect penis no 
longer stands at full salute. 

enlargement surgery is notori- 
ously inconsistent. Many men see no 
gain in length, because scar tissue re- 
unites the two halves of the sliced liga- 
ment. [n some cases the penis becomes 
smaller. Surgeons battle receding dick by 
hanging weights on the patient or insert- 
ing blocking implants. Other risks 
clude permanent numbness and impo- 
tence. One reconstructive surgeon says 
men who are unhappy with the results of 
y expect him to work miracles 
newly grotesque organs. But, 
you can't go back." 


he says, " 


SURGERY: GIRTH 


Before his conviction for manslaugh- 
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cardo Samitier pioneered a method to 
increase width. The doctor would suc- 
tion fat from the abdomen and shoot a 
few ounces into the cock with a long nee- 
dle. Much of the fat was reabsorbed, so 
he repeated the treatment as necessary. 
Once it took, the fat tended to bunch to- 
gether, leading to complications like “the 
hairy doughnut effect.” Other surgeons 
carved slippery filetlike strips of fat from 
the patients butt or thigh and fed them 
into incisions made in the shaft. The lat- 
est technique makes use of purified ca- 
daver dermis, and one innovator has 
suggested an envelope that would be 
inserted into the penis and filled with 
saline solution. A tube running through 
the scrotum would allow the owner to 
adjust his girth on a whim. 


OPTICAL ILLUSIONS 


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152 


1-900 


(continued from page 90) 


“I mean, you know my real name.” 

“Is this a crank call?” 

“No, please. Don't hang up. I'd really 
like to talk to you. I'm not ugly or any- 
thing, or weird. I'm 511^ and I weigh 
160 pounds in my stocking feet, as my 
father used to say, and I have dark blond 
hair—dishwater blond, I believe they 
call it. And I'm not saving newspaper ar- 
ticles about assassinations or collecting 
body parts, you know. None of that, and 
1 don't keep files on famous people and 
I'm not a disgruntled postal worker or 
anything at all like that: ^ 
Whoa, honey, slow down.” 

"I'm 32 and married, though my wife 
and 1 are separated. We have two kids, a 
boy and a girl, 12 and nine” 

“Let me get a word in, baby. Don't you 
want me to talk? Is this your idea of 
conversation?" 

“Tm sorry 

“Honey, I want to tell you what I'm do- 
ing right now while I think of you, and 
listen to your sexy sweet voice" 

“Right, but I wanted to talk a little 
first. Converse a little.” 

"Really." 

“Yes. Do you . . 
children?" 

"I'm sorry, baby, I can't answer that. 
Ask me about what I'm doing right now." 

“Well—first. I was only—I'm curious. 
I mean I wondered how this works.” 

“But 1 want to get it on with you, ba- 
by. Come on, don't make me wait. I'm 
touching something right now, thinking 
of you.” 

“Look, I really would like it if we just 
talk a little before we get intimate.” 


- do you have any 


“Intimate. You're kidding, right?” 
“Well, you know what I mean.” 


ght?” 
t's your dime, 


“So, Marilyn—where did you go to 
school?” 

“Hello?” 

“You're kidding.” 

“Can you tell me where you went to 
school?” 

“Um, around.” 

“More than one school? College?” 


“Hello? Was it college?” 

“John, I really can't get that personal.” 

“A second ago you were telling me 
about touching yourself. I just want to 
know if you went to college 

“OK, it's been nice talking to you, 
sexy 

“Oh, don't hang up. Really. I'm pay- 
ing for the call. I just asked if you went to 
college. I have to feel like I know you at 
least a little bit.” 

“Look, sweetie, this isn't a date or 
anything.” 

“But Га like to feel that it’s something 
close to it. Isn't this supposed to be about 
what [ need, and am willing to pay for? 
What's the difference if it’s all just talk- 
ing, right? I mean, that's not too much 
to ask for a dollar a minute, P 

"It's 99 cents a minute." 

“Well, but that's a dollar. That's some- 
thing my wife and I used to fight about. 
She'd look at something in the store and 
see eight dollars and 99 cents and she'd 
think it was eight dollars. I had to re- 
mind her about it a lot. My wife and 
money, that was like a land war in Asia 
kind of thing." 


“You neglected to fill in line six —the name and address of 


your richest relativ 


xcuse me?” 

“We kept throwing more money at 
everything because we couldn't believe 
that what we'd already wasted was wast- 
ed. That had a lot to do with why we 
kept on going in Vietnam. We couldn't 
believe we'd wasted so much life. We 
couldn't let it mean nothing. You. . . you 
get the point of tha 

“You want to talk about fucking Viet- 
nam? Are you а vet or something?" 

“I'm too young to be a vet. I'm inter- 
ested in history, that kind of thing. You 


like history, Ma 


“My wile i the histo- 
ry of men keeping women down. The 
whole oppressive history of women get- 
ting screwed by men kind of thing. 
That's my wife.” 

“Is that why you're separated?" 

“We're separated because she decid- 
ed I wasn't with the program anymore. 
Which was true, I guess. The program 
was basically about the improvement of 
John Т. Bailey, E-S-Q. The perfection 
of that item, you might say, by a series 
of continual reminders of everything 


actly. The faet was, there is what you 
might call а lot of area for improvement 
But it used to irritate me, l'Il admit that.” 

“And you want to talk about it?” 

“Well, we could, I suppose.” 

“Like I said, it's your dime.” 

“Are you married?” 

“No.” 

“How old are you?” 

“Look, honey, what did you call us 
for? This is phone sex.” 

“But couldn't it be, like, phone friend- 
ship for a little while? Just ше ог 
two?” 

“Man, I keep thinking this is some sort 
of prank or something. 

“Its not. I promise you it's not. I'm 
not the type who plays pranks. I don't 
even think it’s funny when other people 
do it. 

"Well." 

"I went to college. I went to West 
ate and majored in history. 1 
much. Don't get involve 
n Asia. Where did you go? 
"High school. Гт putting myself 
through college now, and I can talk you 
through a heavenly experience, too. 1 
can make you hot, and bring you off like 
a rocket.” 

“Why are you going to college? 1 
mean, what do you hope to get out of it?” 

ion.” 
just to get a better job, or pur- 
cer, or do you desire to be edu- 
cated as in somebody who possesses a 
knowledge of the arts of civilization? 

“You talk funny, John.” 

R you in search of knowledge and 
vation of your spirit?” 


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“Sure, why not?” 

“You want a piece of the American 
dream.” 

"OR." 

"But what is the American dream, 
y? Going to art galleries, or own- 
car and having a house with a 
g pool kind of thing? I mean, 1 
think the American dream is getting on 
television and being famous 

“Is that what you want, John?” 

“No, I'm saying that's the American 
dream. I've got a little boy who wants to 
grow up to be famous. That's what he 
says he wants. He doesn't have the 
slightest idea how or why or what he'll 
end up doing, and none of that matters 
to him. He just wants to be famous. He 
wants everybody to know his name. 
That's his big dream. I think there are a 
lot of people out there like my son, only 
these are grown people.” 

"I don't want to be famous." 

“Are you seeing anyone?” 


“It's really just a harmless question, 
Marilyn.” 

"I'm with you now, honey." 

“But are you seeing anyone?" 

“How are you going to get anything 
out of it if I talk about who I'm seeing, 
John?" 

“Well, are you?” 

“OK, sure. Yes. Гат.” 

“Does he know you do this?” 

“Maybe. Look, I think we ought to get 
down to something soon, baby. I'm so hot 
for you.” 

“My wife didn't play around on me 
or anything, and I was faithful to her. 
You've probably figured out that I've 
never called one of these 900 lines be- 
fore. 1 guess that's pretty evident. We 
had a good life, Kate and me. Her name 
is Kate. She likes sex, too. We both like 
it. I'm not one of those types who's nev- 
er had any loving before, you know? 
But something got between us. A... a 
lethargy. 

“Lethargy?” 

“It means” 

“I know what it means, honey. Are you 
telling me you couldn't get it up?” 

“Oh, hell no. No, we really didn't have 
any trouble that way. Not any. We excit- 
ed each other. She's really very adven- 
turous in bed. We were great that way. 
But she's a better person than Г am, 
that's pretty clear. We lived a little self- 
ishly, too. I think that's what did us in. 
But we had fun in bed.” 

"Tell me what she'd say to you, honey 
1 can make you feel her.” 

"No, that isn't it. I'm telling you this to 
get to know you. You know a little about 
me. My wife and I hit this . . „this lethar- 
gic place. 1 should say straight out that 1 
tend to excess, I admit that. 1 have а 
habit of having a little too much to drink 
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other kinds of substances. She did, too. 
We had а lot of easy money and we were 
a pair, let me tell you. She used to keep 
a big brick of cocaine in her dresser 
drawer.” 

“Yikes.” 

“It's true. But most of that is over, and 
we had mostly got past all that, and 1 
thought we were doing fine—especially 
sexually, as I said. We were interested in 
each other for sex, you see, but there 
were these other areas——" 

“What other area is there, when you 
get down to it, lover?’ 


“Well, just—you know—at the level of 


talk. I found that her voice irritated me.” 
nd what was her problem with 


ou 
“Oh, lots of things. Lots of things that 
it isn't anybody's business to know." 


"I'm sorry, that didn't sound right. I 
don't mean anything by it.” 

“Man, this is your money.” 

“You ever find that somebody's voice 
gets on your nerves, Marilyn?” 

^I guess." 


"Does my voice irritate you?" 
MT 
"You have to say that, though, right?" 
“1 don't have to say anything, lover." 
“How old are you?" 
“Oh, baby, I’m old enough. And 
young enough. How old are you? 
“I'm 32. I already said. So, now, what 
about you?" 


“Hello? Tell me—come on, you can 
do that.” 

“We're not allowed to tell our ages, 
lover. I'm of age. I'm old enough for 
anything you want.” 

“1 do like the sound of your voice. You 
have a very lovely voice.” 

“Oh, I haven't even started, honey. You 
don't seem to want to give me a chance." 

“Yes, but isn't it a relief not to have to 
go through the spiel?” 

“Excuse me? 

“The routine. All that moaning and 


groaning and sex-detail-talk kind of 


thing to get some poor lonely stranger 
off long distance. I'm in South Carolina, 
for instance. Where are you?" 


“Tony sees it as a classic, fine-tuned piece of machinery. I just 
see it as a real expensive vibrator.” 


lose as your ear: 
where—really?” 
shington, DC.” 

“Are you in a room with other girls 
talking on phones? I'm picturing you sit- 
ting at one of those consoles with all the 
plugs and the lines, and earphones on, 
like an operator.” 

“No, honey—I'm home in bed. 1 rei 
ly am. And I'm naked, and Гуе got my 
hand оп ту" 

“How many calls like this do you han- 
dle a да 

“Гуе never handled a call like this. I 
mean Гат new and maybe these people 
take calls like this every day, but it hasn't 
happened to me yet." 

“I really don't want to cause you any 
discomfort.” 

“Tim fine. Are you all right?” 

“Well, that's a question, there, Mar- 
ilyn. That might take a little time to 
answer.” 

“Do you want me to listen, honey?” 

“You these people a second ago. So 
there others there with you, taking 
the calls 

“1 meant the other girls who work for 
this service. Look, this 15 a service.” 

"I'm sorry. Really, 'm—uh, Um curi- 
ous. I wanted to talk. I mean I do want to 
get to the sex, too, you know, but I j 
since it can't matter to you, really, and 
might even be a bit of a relief from the 
types you usually get, and you're still 
getting paid the going rate.” 


e 


“Nobody has ever asked to talk to 
you . . . just as yourself first?" 

“Nobody yet." 

“Tm the first.” 

“What did you mean about the types 1 
usually get?” 

“Well, what type of person makes this 
kind of call?” 

"Wouldn't you be in a better position to 
answer that, John?” 

“Гуе never made this type of call 
before.” 

“Why do I get the feeling you make 
ind of call every day?” 

“No, really. This is a first for me.” 

“Well, Ст not interested in being your 
friend or listening to your troubles, you 
know, John? Usually 1 do most of the 
g on these calls. And I wouldn't 
en to people tell me their 
troubles all day for any amount of mon- 
ey. That is not my idea of having a good 
hat does not sound like a good 
time at all.” 

"| didn't mean to complain, actually. 
Just to be honest, so you could know а 
bout me and feel that it's all right 
to say а few small things about yourself 
and then we would know each other, and 
when we got down to the sex it would be 
so much more like the real thing.” 

“The real—what?" 

“Don't be mad, Mar 
a lot of guys who are curious about 

"Not all that many, no. It's pretty 


үп. Don't you get 


straightforward, usually, Some heavy 
breathing and I say a few things and it's 
over.” 

Do you get perverts?” 


“I guess that wasn't a fair question.” 
“Look, are you one of those reporter 
5 looking for a story?” 
No, I'm а separated father of two liv- 
ing alone in an apartment with most of 
the furniture gone and a lot of di yl 
don't need. My wife and kids are hun- 
dreds of miles north, with the lion's 
share of the furniture, and last night I 
went out and got stinking and came back 
here and Гуе been lying here thinking 
about calling my sister, who is a perfect 
shit and a prig, and I decided instead to 
call you.” 

“To unload your troubles 

“No, and I’m sorry I said anything 
about it. If that bothers you 1 won't say 
another thing about it. I'm just trying to 
have a real conversation before we get 
going on things. I need that, or I can't 
get any pleasure out of it at all, and as we 
established at the beginning, 1 am paying 
for this." 


I didn't mean that the way it sounded 
there, Marilyn. 

"Why is your siste 
honey?" 

"She's the type who says / told you so. 
Do you know the type?" 

"Гуе known a few of those, yeah." 

"Brothers or siste: 

“Sure.” 

“You're being automatic now, 1 can 
hear it in your voice. You're not paying 
attention.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Yeah, you're not paying attention? 
r yeah, you're being automatic?" 

r voice is nice, baby, and 1 like the 
sound of 

“You do? 

“Why don't you think about how it 
might be to cozy up together here. I'd 
love to see you.” 

“I murdered my grandmother and 
put her in the freezer this morning.” 

“Serves her right.” 

“What?” 

said it serves her right.” 

“You are listening.” 

“Trying to.” 

“So what are you studying in college, 
Marilyn? What's your major?” 

“Do you want to do this or not, 
honey?” 

“I just want to know what your ma- 
jor 
21 told you, wen re not supposed to get 
that personal 

"You're so far away. How is telling me 
what you're majoring in personal?" 

“You know what, man? This is weird. 
This is positively weird.” 

“It's unconventional. You're already 
doing something rather radically uncon- 
ventional, so why not be unconventional 


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with the conventions of this, which is so 
unconventional. Why not tell me some- 
thing that’s bothering you? I told you 
about my impending divorce and my 
toot, and my shit of a sister who won't 
take me in and whose husband threw me 
down the stairs last night so that 1 almost 
broke my neck and who fold me for years 
that I was messing up in a big way, and 
when the mess finally caught up with me 
and I had to go see her, said / told you so 
all over again, just in case Га missed it 
the first 277,000 times she'd said it.” 

“Did you say her husband threw you 
down stairs?” 

*Harv's his name. A prince of a guy. A 
cupcake, old Harv.” 

“I'd stay away from Нагу, lover." 

“That's what my sister said. And after 
I went down the stairs, I got the mes- 
sage—I'm to stay away from old Harv. 
And you know what Harv does for a liv- 
ing? Нагуз а veterinarian. He spends all 
day taking care of dogs and cats. Got a 
heart of gold, old Harv. Cries at sad mov- 
ies kind of thing. A sweetheart. Kindness 
personified, that guy.” 

“Do you like pussy cats, lover?” 

“They're fine if I don't have to live 
with one. Do you live with one?” 

"I've got three of them." 

“I'm allergic. I have allergies that 
bother me when I'm around them." 

“I don't have any allergies.” 

"Well, now there—that wasn't too 
much trouble, was it? I know a little 
something about you now. You live 
with three cats and you don't have any 
allergies." 

“Do you want me to start now, baby?" 

“Not yet, not yet. Not like that. It's got 
to be natural, you know.” 

“Natural.” 

“I'm sober, too, Marilyn. Believe it or 


д 
зка 


d 


not. This is a very sober phone call." 

“Why don't you tell me what уоште 
wearing?" 

"Aren't 1 supposed to ask you that?" 

"OK. Ask, lover. I think I already said 
I'm not wearing anything." 

“Well, but I wanted to know one prob- 
lem that you're having in your life— 
something we could commiserate about, 
maybe." 

"You know what, John? I really don't 
have that many problems right now. I'm 
not desperate or unhappy or lonely, par- 
ticularly. I'm going to school and this is a 
job. I usually do most of the talking, and 
1 like to talk, so that's all right, too." 

“But it’s not real talk. It's the same 
things over and over.” 

“There's only a few things to say, 
right?” 

“Doesn't that get old? That must get 
awful boring for you.” 

"But there's usually somebody $0000 
interested on the other end of the line. Do 
you ever tell a joke, John? Do you tell 
jokes?" 

"I see your point." 

“It's usually so easy. These guys who 
call are fast. You know what I'm saying? 
Most of them already have a start on it.” 

*But nobody's laughing." 

"That isn't what the desired result is, 
though, right?" 

“The whole thing sounds a little pa- 
thetic to me. Do they ever ask you to say 
you love them?" 

"Sure, some do. Now and then one 
does. That's a pretty harmless thing to 
ask.” 

“And you don’t mind doing that?” 

“I'm talking on a telephone, lover.” 

“Any of them ever scare you?” 

“It's usually pretty friendly, and, like 1 
say, | do most of the talking. There's one 


“Oh my God! My wife, my best friend, my Viagra!” 


guy who calls to say what he'd like to do 
to me—an obscene phone caller. Before 
we were around he probably upset a lot 
of nice little housewives.” 

“What do you see in the future for 
yourself? You think you'll ever be a nice 
little housewife, as you put it? 

“Are you writing а book? 

“1 wondered if you plan on getting 
married someday, that’s all." 

“Sure, why not? And what's wrong 
with using the word housewife?” 

“I think you ought to ask my wife that 
one. Oh boy, do I. I would love to see 
what she'd say to that one, I really 
would.” 

“She's not a housewifey type?" 

"Let's say she is not a housewifey type, 
yes. Letus just say that. Letus use that as 
the starting point of any conversati 
that arise about my, um, er, um 
She is not a housewifey type lady. 

“OK.” 

“So you plan on being a housewifey 
type somed: 

“Why not? Sure.” 

“Kids?” 

"I hope so—someday.” 

"I've got two kids. 1 don't get to see 
them very often these days. What's your 
major?" 

"I haven't decided." 

"Do you like a drink now and then?" 

"Sure" 

“I'm bothering you, right? Don't deny 
it, because I can hear it in your voice. 

“Is my voice starting to irritate you? 

“You know what irritated Kate about 
me?” 

“Your voic 

"Now you're making fun. You've got 
me on the speakerphone, right?” 

“I don't have a speakerphone, John. 
What irritated Kate about you?" 

“Well, she called it the convoluted na- 
ture of my mind. My . . . my thoughts. 
She said I twisted things around in my 
head until they started to hurt me and 
then I'd blame her for it. She said 1 was 
the most morbid, convoluted son of a 
bitch she ever saw, and she wasn't even 
yelling when she said it. Do I seem con- 
voluted to you?” 
wouldn't say that, lover.” 

“I like it better when you say my 
name. 

“OK—John.” 

“Are you younger than 392" 

“Ува.” 

“And Marilyn is your real name?” 

“Well, actually” 

“Please tell me what your real name 
is, Marilyn. Your first name. I told you 
mine.” 

“How do I know you told me your re- 
al name?” 

“It’s on my credit card.” 

“Honey, they just punch the name 
through and open the line for me.” 

“Well, John is my real name. Now 
please tell me yours.” 


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"What harm can it do?" 


"It's Sharon." 
“Hi, Sharon." 
“Hi 


“Do you like sports, Sharon?” 
“I play tennis." 

Туе never played tennis, but I'm a 
swimmer.” 

“I swim, too.” 

“Did you compete?” 

“I was second team in high school.” 

“I won a few medals in college, 
Sharon.” 

“No kidding 

“I started out pretty fast. That's where 
І met Kate. We dated for almost five 
years.” 

“Couldn't make up your minds?” 

“Well, we lived together.” 

“Oh.” 

“You know what happened to me the 
other day, Sharon? 1 was in New York, 
chasing my wife and the kids—did I tell 
you she took them and ran off? I chased 
them all the way up to Boston and then 
came back. She's got all the help and the 
ammunition. The law on her side, and 
lawyers, and Гт a convoluted son of a 
bitch. And my own sister thinks I'm a 
wash, to use her ridiculous term. Any- 
way, the other day I was on this street 
corner in New York, down near the Vil- 
lage, and these two prostitutes were 
there waiting for the light to change 
And I stood next to them, waiting. 
There wasn't much traffic to speak of. 
But they stood there. I wanted to say to 
them—I wanted to ask them why they 
chose to obey that particular law, you 
know? Why they were in compliance 
with the traffic law there and not in com- 
pliance with the several other laws they 
were breaking. Does this make sense to 
you? 1 mean, 1 got arrested for beating 
down a door and it was like I was a crim- 
inal or something—or dangerous. Kate 
took out this peace bond on me, and it's 
like I'm on parole.” 

“You think too much.” 

“That's what Kate used to say, too.” 

“Well, maybe you should listen to her.” 

“I did. I did a lot—all the time. But 
then there was the fact that her voice 
started getting on my nerves. My convo- 
luted mind started getting on hers.” 

^] don't know what to tell you, lover.” 
Did you ever have a relationship fall 


"Maybe not a marriage." 

"Actually, John, Гуе been in and out of 
relationships. 1 just haven't found the 
right one. I think the one | have now 
might be the right one, only——" 

"Only what 
Nothing. 

"No, you were going to tell me 
something. That was sweet—come on, 
Sharon." 

“Well, he never actually says the 
words, you know—that . . , that he loves 
me. I don't believe I'm telling you this." 


“And it’s important to you that he 
say it.” 

“OK—yeah. Right. It is. Wouldn't you 
wonder about it if you were seeing some- 
one and you said T ique you to her all the 
time and she г 

“I love you, 


ike that?" 

Well, и would be him saying it. He's 
very nice and 1 like being with him. But 
sometimes he . . . he seems to be avoid- 
ing it as a subject. 

love you, Sharon." 


“I love you. I really do—1 feel the 
warmest sense of affection toward you 
now. ht now it’s the truest thing in 
my whole mistake ofa life." 

K” 

“No, 1 mean it.” 

“I said ОК, lover. 1 don't think you 
should keep going on about it.” 

“That's what Kate used to say.” 


“Is he good to you?” 
"Asa matter of fact, he is. In every oth- 
er way he is 
“Did you ever have a boyfriend who 
knocked you around?” 
“No, and I wouldn't, either." 
te's father was like that. A military 
guy—with a mean streak. He was always 
coming up with things to be critical 
about. Kate grew up with him yelling at 
her and hitting her. Did you ever have 
anything like that, growing up?" 

“Мо, thank God." 

"Well, it does something to a person. 
Kate is just as likely to react violently to 
something. Гуе never laid a hand on 
her, of course. I kicked a door in to see 
my children. Just to lay eyes on them 
one time, you know. But when she gets 
mad she tends to think of finding ways to 
cause you physical pain. She'll hit you or 
throw something. It's scary as hell some- 
times. She's always been the strong one, 
and she knows it. Not physically, of 
course. But inside—the one with the 
iron. The one with the highly developed 
critical sense. And 1 do love her, you know. 
Ir's not like you can turn that kind of 
thing on and off like a faucet.” 

“Different people can do different 
things, lover.” 

“Yeah, sure—do you come from good 


pare! 

“Uh-huh.” 

“I don't mean it as anything but cu- 
riosity about someone I'm very fond of, 
Sharon. 

“Oh, and I'm growing fond of you, 
too, baby. Oooh, I'd like to have you 


Just a little more gen- 
eral talk. I really feel something for 
you now.” 
“Me, too. I'm getting all ho 
“Are your parents still living?” 


“Come on, just a little more.” 


“OK. My parents are still living.” 

“You get along with them?" 

“I never saw much of my father grow- 
ing up. He and my mother got a divorce 
when I was small—I was only about five. 
My mother is fine. She lives in perfect 
blindness in Chicago.” 

“By that do you mean she doesn't 
know what you're doing to put yourself 
through school?” 

“Among other things.” 

“Such as?” 

“She's a devout Catholic. I'm not.” 

“Were you ever?" 

“When I was young, I guess, sure.” 

"Divorce is hard on a child. I'm wor- 
ried about my own children. What they 
think of their father chasing after them 
like that, banging down doors. They've 
got to know that means I feel my love for 
them passionately.” 

“I guess.” 

“TIl tell you, Sharon—I'm about at the 
end of myself. [ mean I've reached down 
and reached down and called up all the 
reserves and there's nothing left. My 
family's gone. 1 think she's got my own 
children afraid of me. Imagine that.” 

“You just have to be patient and stick 
it out, John.” 

“Well, that's a bromide, Sharon. It’s 
not worthy of you.” 


“Hello?” 

"I haven't hung up. Yet.” 

“Yeah, well anyway, I guess that I've 
proved to myself that I'm not totally 
off the deep end—I can have a normal 
conversation.” 


“Somewhat normal.” 

"Whats funny, lover?” 

“Funny?” 

“You laughed just then, didn't you?" 

“I love you, Sharon. Does it make you 
feel good to hear it?” 

“Not really, no. It has to be him say- 
ing it.” 
n't you use your imagination a 


little?” 
You're the one who's supposed to be 
doing that.” 

“what's to imagine? You'll provide the 
material, right?” 

“OK, if you say so." 

“Um sorry, don't be upset with me, 
Sharon. Ги harmless, really. And 1 do 
feel this tremendous affection for you.” 

Why don’t you say that to Kate?" 


Hello?” 

“That was kind of you to think of that, 
Sharon, really. 

“Thanks.” 

“I really do feel this huge affection for 
you now. It's strange.” 

“Well, | like you, too." 

“You know what, Sharon? 1 wish 1 
could see you. In fact, I'd like to have 
you sitting on my lap naked.” 

“Oh, well sa 

"I would. Га like to nibble the lobes of 


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PLAYBOY 


your ears and get into a bathtub with 
you and wash you all over. I'd like to put 
my tongue in your—" 

“OK, wait—hold it. Hold on, John. 
This is where you want to start in on 
the sex?” 

“Why can't you just let it happen 
naturally?” 

“You're kidding me, right?” 

"Ims as hell, Sharon." 

"Look, you know what? I don't feel 
right about this now. And if you are a re- 
porter, report that one. 1 don't like you 
saying that stuff to me now.” 

“But—hell, Sharon, what do I really 
know about you? I don't know you that 
well. Come on. I just asked a few gener- 
al фео It was just conversatio 

Well, it’s got me spooked, and I'd just 
as soon leave it there.” 
‘OK, then let's go on talking about my 
miserable personal life a while, until you 
feel like going ahead. You start when 
you're ready. Talking the line—when it 
seems right for you.” 

“1 started a couple of times, John—and 
you stopped me.” 

“The next time, I promise I won't 
stop you.” 

“But—see, I don't think it's going to 


seem right for me. I mean, 1 don't feel it 
now, and I wouldn't be very convincing. 
I'm not feeling all that good, to tell you 
the truth. I think I feel a migraine com 
ing on.” 

“Let me get this straight—you have a 
headache?” 

“1 don't have a headache. Migraines 
don't always have to be headaches. I get 
shows in my eyes and the 
g for it is to lie down until the 
light show stops. But that isn't the point, 
really. The point is, 1 don't feel right 


“You Bein require yourself to feel 
something on these calls?” 
“You know what I mean, lover." 
“What are you, an actress?” 
“ОК. Sure.” 
“You're an actress.” 
"That's what I said, yes.” 


“Hello? 

“I love you, Sharon.” 

“No, 1 can't. Sorry. Call the number 
back—you'll get somebody else.” 

“But I want you.” 

“Well, you can't have me, OK? I'm not 
ble.” 


mn т mos 
бо Home WITH 


e iS THAT C 
Б FINAL 


mer P 


“I mean, it's just too weird.” 

“So what you're telling me now is that 
you've more or less decided not to do 
your job. Is that right? Do you believe it's 
right just like that to decide you're not 
gonna do your job?” 

“Tm not really interested in worrying 
about what's right, now, John.” 

“But we did have an agreement.” 

“Hey, thanks for calling.” 

“Please don't hang up, Sharon. That's 
to end this. 

“I really have to go no 

“OK, you do the talking, how about 
that? I won't say anything. Just do the 
spiel” 

“1 can't now. That's what I'm trying to 
tell you.” 

“Please?” 

“Tve been thinking about you all night 
and Um here on my warm silk-sheeted 
bed and lying back in the pretty red light 
and thinking about you and wishing you 
were here with me right now kissing me 
where I like it, John, and 

“Can't you put a little feeling into it?" 

“This is the shit, John. This is what 
you get for the money.” 

“It's not very convincing. It's not as 
good as you sounded before.” 

“It's the best I can do right now under 
the circumstances.” 

“Damn.” 

“Do you want me to go on?” 

“I don't think it would do any good.” 


no 


“So what do we do now, Sharon?” 

“You should have let me stay Mari 
I'm better as Marilyn.” 

“OK, Marilyn. 1 love you, Marilyn. If 1 
all the number again and 1 ask for М 
уп, will they put me through to you! 
“They might.” 
ange world, Marilyn." 
you let yourself think about it 
100 much. To me, it makes a perfect kind 
of sense. Now, I really do have to go." 

"Hey" 

“Yeah?” 

“You were sweet, 

“You, too.” 

“I know 
was for me.” 

“You take care of yourself, John. And 
try to be happy.” 

“Thanks, kid. 
1 know this isn't 
thanks anyway. It 
ferit 

“Bye, John." 

"Now there’s the note you want—that's 
sexy as hell the way you said that. If you 
could manage that tone the next time 1 
call, it would be perfect. Do you think 
you could manage that tone the next 
time I call if 1 ask for Marilyn and they 
put me through to you?" 


Marilyn." 


asn't as good for you as it 


lent advice. 
advice line, but 
d of you to of- 


“Hello?” 


On of the greatest sax players of all time wanders the 
streets, homeless. A famous jazz drummer freezes because 
he cant afford to pay his heating bill. A world-reknowned 
bassist is deathly ill and doesn't have (he money to see a 


doctor. Tragic stories, but unfortunately all too common, 


And all oo ин: 


г Many of our finest jazz musicians, men 
and women who have helped create America's greatest 
contribution to world culture, are ending their lives 


penniless. And while their music has made fortunes for 


others, they eant. even afford health insurance, This is 


why а group of concerned jazz musicians, fans, and 


the Jazz Foundation of America have founded the 
Jazz Musician's Emergency Fund. Is the first and only 
organization of its kind. Dedicated to giving something 


back to those deserving artists who have given us so much. 


Lots of people save old 
jazz albums. But how often do 


— уоп have the chance to save 


an old jazz musician? 


We're providing 
medical caro, legal advice and career. counseling. And 
helping: them cope with financial emergencies. We have 
already accomplished a great deal. But so much more needs 
(о be done. For more information, to make a tax-deductible 
donation or to find ош how you can become 


a volunteer, call us today al I-800-IJPA-JAMS. Or write 


us at 22 W. 48 St. 3ed Floor, New York, ХУ 10036, 


And help us keep the music alive. 


@ ЕЗ Маман Emangency Fink {| $ 


bs : nae - 3 JAZZ FOUNOATION 
The Jazz Foundation of America is a not-for-profit corporation; tas esempt under 200 (60) of the Internal Hevenue code. OF AMERICA 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 31, 
37-38, 81-89, 118-119, 136 
and 167, check the listings 
below to find the stores near- 
est you. 


WIRED 

Page 31: “Move Over, 
MP3": Digital audio for- 
mats: From VQF, vqf.com. From Ad- 
vanced Audio Ceding, aacaudio.com. 
From Microsoft, windowsmedia.com. 
Walkman by Toshiba Electronics, 800-631- 
3811. “Game of the Month”: Software by 
Rockstar Games, from Take-Two Interactive, 
410-933-9191. Instant camera by Olympus 
America, 888-553-4448. Instant film by Po- 
laroid, 800-343-5000. 


MANTRACK 

Page 37: “Best Seats in the House”: Re- 
cliner by Leather Center, 800-695-0073, ex- 
tension 2282. Page 38: “Wok Like a Man": 
Chinese cookbook from Clarkson Potter 
at bookstores. “Guys Are Talking About": 
Vespa by Piaggio, piaggiousa.com. Tennis 
racquet by Head/Penn Racquet Sports, 602- 
269-1492 or www.head.com. Wine im- 
ported by Schieffelim and Somerset, 212-251- 
8337, ог at liquor stores. 


TOP OF THE LOT 

Page 84: Turtleneck by РАМУ, 800-231- 
0884. Sweater by Helmut Lang, helmut 
lang.com. Jackets by Samsonite, 212-888- 
7442. Pants by Levi's, 800-USA-LEVI. 
Cloves by Emporio Armani, 877-736-7674. 
Page 85: Turtleneck by Cynthia Rowley, 
www.cynthiarowley.com. Pants by Ron 
Chereskin, 212-575-5900. Boots by DKNY, 
800-231-0884. Peacoat by Perry Ellis, 
www perryellis.com. Shirt by Jason Bunin, 
212-594-3795. Pants by DANY, 800-231- 
0884. Shoes by Johnston and Murphy, 800- 
424-2854. Leather coat by Emporio Ar- 
mani, 877-736-7674. Scarf by Sulka, 
212-980-5226. Shirt and tie by Prada, 212- 
664-0010. Suit by Bill Blass, 212-221-6660. 


Coat by John Varvatos, www. 
johnvarvatos.com. Shoes 
and belt by Johuston and 
Murphy, 800-424-2854. 
Gloves by Emporio Armani, 
877-736-7674. Page 86: 
Pants and coat by Jason 
Bunin, 212-594-3795. Тиг- 
tleneck by Sean John, 212- 
869-6686. Scarf by Sulka, 
212-980-5226. Hat by John 
Varvatos, www.johnvarvatos. 
com. Shoes by DKNY, 800- 
231-0884. Page 87: Suit by 
Joseph Abboud, 800-999-0060, extension 
4220. Shirt by Van Heusen, 800-388-9122. 
Tie by Geoffrey Beene, 800-388-8516. Coat 
by Calvin Klein, 800-294-7978. Gloves by 
Emporio Armani, 877-736-7674. Shoes by 
Johnston and Murphy, 800-424-2854. Page 
88: Shirt by Geoffrey Beene, 800-388-8516. 
Tie and pants by Ron Chereskin, 212-575- 
5900. Jacket by John Varvatos, www.john 
varvatos.com. Page 89: Turtleneck sweat- 
er by Wilke-Rodriguez, www.wilke-rodri 
guez. Pants by Prada, 212-664-0010. 
V-neck sweater by TSE, 800-522-2276. 
Gloves by Emporio Armani, 877-736-7674. 
Goat by Burberry, 212-935-1033. 


TIPS AND MICROCHIPS 

Pages 118-119: Cell phones: By Ericsson, 
800-374-2776. Page 136: By Motorola, 800- 
548-9954. Personal digital assistant and 
phone module by Handspring, 888-565- 
9393. Personal digital assistant by Palm, 
300-881-7256. Handheld PC by Hewlett 
Packard, 800-552-8500. Watches by Casio, 
800-962-2746. Bikini by Guess, 800-766- 
8466. Earrings from Jennifer Kaufman, 
310-854-1058. Her shoes by Jimmy Choo, 
310-860-0045. Sunglasses from Cynthia 
Benjamin, 323-954-0336. Swimwear: By 
Diesel, www.diesel.com. By Sauvage Cali- 
fornia from Everything But Water, 310- 
289-1550. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 167: “The Candy Man Can”: Candy: 
From Candy Flowers, 888-476-6467. From 
Hearts and Flowers, 516-931-2155. From 
Vosges Haut-Chocolat, 888-301-9866. From 
Donnelly Chocolates, 888-685-1871. 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY BY м 3 KAMEN MILLER BAUSCH. PATTY BEAUOEY 


NEES 12). SCOTT CURTIS. MICHAEL FALCON: 


БОВЕТТЕ СОНМАЯТ MIX PR 122-133 AND 142 HAIR AND MAKEUP ALESIS VOGEL. STYLIST, LANE W. PRODUCER. MARILYN 
STYLIST. LAME W. PRODUCER. MARILYN GAABCWSI 


single life 

9 (continued from page 35) 
down to my underwear. We had been 
that way for a while, too. I kept wonder- 
ing why this guy wasn’t just getting on 
with it, But he started to run little circles 
with his fingers on my bra, pinching my 
nipples lightly through the fabric. It was 
making me crazy. Then he moved slow- 
ly down to my panties, where he prod- 
ded my opening and rubbed my clit for 
an incredibly long time. He never once 
reached behind the cloth or even moved 
it an inch. But after what seemed like an 
hour of this, I was totally dripping—and 
so were my panties.” 

Susie, 35: “There was this one guy 
who had complete control over his pe- 
nis. He used it like it was his index fin- 
ger. I'm lying there, and he lowers him- 
self over me, and while he holds my 
arms down over my head with his hands, 
his cock is stroking the inside of my 
thighs, my clit and then my vagina with 
this amazing dexterity and speed. Then 
he turns me over and starts to trace 
my perineum and my asshole with this 
precision instrument between his legs— 
still no hands—slowly and with exactly 
the right amount of pressure. I really 
thought I was going to lose sphincter 
control and have an orgasm at the same 
time, it felt so good.” 


DO IT WITH MUSIC 


Tania, 31: “Гуе never been one for 
music to get me in the mood, but for 
some reason the sound of John Lee 
Hooker or Bonnie Raitt—one of those 
really husky blues-singer voices—puts 
me right over the top.” 


VOLUNTEER 


Blair, 22: “This guy put his mouth 
right up to my car and whispered with 
urgency, ‘I've got to know what you taste 
like right now? How was I going to turn 
that down?” 


FOLLOW HER LEAD 


Lupe, 24: "I'd been trying for a few 
weeks to fuck this girl, and somehow, 
because her roommates were home or 
whatever, I just couldn’t close the deal. 
We found ourselves in the kitchen at 
a party one night, and I was standing 
behind her, kissing her neck, licking 
her ears, when my hand started up her 
skirt, tickling the backs of her thighs. I 
nudged her into the corner and lifted up 
her skirt. When J reached around to 
stroke her pussy, I found that she didn't 
have any panties on. To my complete 
amazement, she bent over, unzipped my 
jeans and took me right there, from be- 
hind, in my friend's kitchen.” 


TRUST IN SERENDIPITY 

Тот, 25: “On my third or fourth date 
with my girlfriend, she was lying on top 
(concluded on page 165) 


The Betsey Johnson fashion show 
wasn't the only high-profile event 
that lured Playmates to the Big Ap- 
ple, Fashion Week also included a 
book signing at our New York office. 

Elan Carter, 
Karin Taylor, 


Top lett ond 
above: Elan, 
Korin and Ni- 
cole. Left: Vo. 
nesso ond Jodi 
Ann boakend 


Nicole Lenz, Vanessa Gleason, Su- 
zanne Stokes, Jodi Ann Paterson and 
several other Centerfolds were on 
hand to pose for photos and auto- 
graph copies of Inside the Playboy Man- 
sion for U.S. Tobacco sweepstakes 
winners. Afterward, the ladies head- 
ed upstairs and joined Playboy statf- 
ers and A-listers at the infamous 
Playboy Lounge for a party. 


VEGGING O! 


People for the Eth- 
ical Treatment of Ani- 
mals, the mastermind 
behind the provoca- 
tive “I'd Rather Be Na 
ked Than Wear Fu 
ads, has done it once 
again. The group's lat- 
t head-turning cam- 
paign, the PETA Not 
Dog event, featured 
Playmate vegetarians 
Julie McCullough and 
Kari Kennell (at left), 
| wearing nothing but 


Й Salad days 


lettuce leaves and urging people on 
Capitol Hill to "Go Veg!" Not surpri 


ingly, the event received mass media 
coverage. Jay Leno even made a 
crack about Bill Clinton's having had 
“just a salad” for lunch that day. 


"It was a great feeling to be in sut 

a huge movie, to be a star for a week, 
says Elke Jeinsen, who has a bit part 
in the movie Crocodile Dundee т LA. “1 
play a wannabe who shows up at a 
party with all these high-class people 
I see Mick Dundee [Paul Hogan] and 
make my way through the crowd to 
get my picture taken with him. As 
soon as the photographer leaves, 1 
lose interest in Mick. 1 leave him 
standing there alone." Elke worked 
for three days on the film 
and got to hang out 
with Hogan a bit 
off-screen. "He's 
quiet and very 
nice," she says 
"I was lucky to 
в 
with him. He 
doesn't like to 


pose for pho- 


Elke ond co-star 
Й Poul Hagon. 


x 


Marilyn L 


ange and Sh 


was simpl 


ade 


45 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


Miss February 1956 studied bal- 
let and modeled before being dis- 
covered by Tom 
Kelley of Marilyn 
Monroe calendar 
fame. From then 
on, Marguerite 
Empey was pho- 
tographed by 
every great lens- 
man in the busi- 
ness, including 
Peter Gowland 

“Marguerite was 
phenomenal,” 
Gowland remem- 
bers. “The amaz- 
ing thing is that 
she was very short. 
She had a wonderful face and 
this dramatic way of expressing 
herself so that when she'd point 
her foot down she would be eight 
feet tall.” Later, Marguerite ap- 
peared in Gay Talese's book Thy 
Neighbor's Wife. 


Marguerite 
Empey 


tos or sign autographs." You may 
soon see Elke in an Internet series 
called Galaxy Vixens. “We are really 
hot girls in silver boots and silver cat- 
suits,” Elke says. “Meow!” 


163 


Му Favorite 
Playmate 
By Kathy 

Griffin 


Jenny McCarthy is my favorite 
Centerfold, hands down. She's 
so funny and de- 
lightful and 
sweet and nice 
and hilarious 
and goofy and 
silly and great. 


Jenny will 
soon be 
seen in 
three 
movies 
Arnie, 
Thank 
Heoven 
ond The 
Perfect 


Talk about being in the right place 
at the right time. While vacationing 
recently in the Caribbean, Lisa Marie 
Scott was asked to parti 
pate in a music video for 
Kenny Chesney's hit song / 
Lost It. She said yes, and the 
result can now be seen on 
several music video shows. 
When she's not attracting 
strangers on the beach and 
mugging for country mu- 
sic stars, Lisa is pursuing a 
law degree. 


A Patsy Cline concert poster. Oprah 
Winfrey on the cover of Ebony. Diana 
Ross! Greatest Hits. A photograph of 
Mae West. A print of Madonna. The 
original Playboy Bunny costume. It 
was all about 
icons at the ga- 
la opening of 
America's first 
Women's Ми- 
seum in Dal- 
las. The event 
attracted more 
than 2000 peo- 
ple, including 
powerful wom- 
en Miss Janu- 


Echo goes goga 
over the Bunny 


costume. 


ary 1993 Echo Johnson (pictured) 
and singer Patti LaBelle. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 


February 3: Miss April 1996 
Gillian Bonner 

February 7: Miss May 1979 
Michele Drake 


February 11: Miss October 1988 
Shannon Long 

February 18: Miss July 1995 
Heidi Mark 

February 24: Miss February 1969 
Lorrie Menconi 


DOUBLE YOUR FUN 


More than a year into the century, 
we caught up with Millennium Play- 
mates Darlene and Carol Bernaola. 

Q: Darlene, there has been 1 of 
press about you and Mets catcher 
Mike Piazza. Is that something you're 
willing to talk about? 

A: Sure. We have a nice relation- 
ship. We've been dating for a couple 
of months. I watch a lot of baseball. 

Q: Do you like baseball? 

A: [Laughs] 1 do now. 

О: Are most people able to tell you 
and Carol apart? 


А: No. They're 


Bernoalo bobes. 


“Are you the single one or the 
married one?” 
Q: What's next for you? 

A: My primary goal is to finish my 
book. It's about miracles and how 
God exists. People think that 1 have 
it easy, but at one point I was in a 
wheelchair. 1 almost died. 1 lost my 
fiancé the day before our wedding. 
You need to treat people well because 
you never know if that’s the last time 
that you'll see them. 
carol, do you still live in Miami? 

А: No, I moved to New York to fo- 
cus on my acting. 

Q: What's the strangest thing about 
being famous? 

A: People watch me eat. What is so 
interesting about my eati They 
think you're going to be glamorous all 
the time. It’s hard to live up to that. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


You can check out the trailer 
for Corinna Harney’s movie The 
Road Home at affinity films. 
com. She co-wrote the 
script, a coming-of- 
age love story. . . . The 
= X-Treme Team (below) 
x kicked butt at a recent 
к sand volleyball event. . .. 
Lillian Müller is the spokeswom- 
an for Ultra Passion, an herb- 
al product that claims to 


XTreme volleyboll chicks. - 


increase sexual satisfaction. . . . 
Julia Schultz (below) signed 
autographs at the Comic-Con 
International in 
San Diego. . . . 
Summer Altice, 
who had plenty 
to say on Politi- 
cally Incorrect and 
Howard Stern's 
radio show, has 
landed a part in 
the independent 
film Learning to 
Surf. . . . Look 
for Jodi Ann 
Paterson in Dude, 
Where's My Car?, 
starring Ashton Kutcher of That 
Seventies Show. . . . Jaime Berg- 
man took a break from Son of the 
Beach to pose for the cover of 
Schwing! You can say that again. 


Julio does 
Comic-Con 


Joime swings, 


single life 
(continued from page 162) 
of me and her skirt had drifted up on- 
to her hips. We were both topless, but Т 
wasn't sure what to do. So I took her 
hips in my hands and just started dry- 
humping her. We were going pretty fast 
and furious, and I lost track of what was 
going on. All of a sudden we both real- 
ized that somehow I had slipped out of 
my boxers and gotten inside her. But by 
that point it was too late and we ended 

up finishing it.” 

DO IT GLOTTALLY 
Deanna, 30: “Any guy who can give 
me good head through my panties, es- 
pecially if 1 can feel his tongue inside of 


me sheathed in a little silk, has earned 
the right to take them off.” 
RUN INTERFERENCE 

John, 28: “I always keep her occupied 
with something else. One hand will be 
on her breast, massaging her nipple, or 
on the back of her neck, scratching light- 
ly, while my other hand sort of sneaks up 
оп her panties. She’s so consumed by 
what's going on up top that she almost 
doesn't realize that she's totally naked— 
or at least doesn't mind.” 


WEAR A SMILE, MINUS THE WINK 


Whitney, 20: “1 guess it sounds trite, 
but so many guys use the silliest, corni- 
est, wink-wink lines to get me to take my 
panties off. One of my favorites is Aren't 
those a little too confining?’ Or, ‘Are you 
sure those are entirely necessary? Or, 
once, ‘Is your pubic hair the same color as 
the hair on your head?’ I'm happiest, and 
most happy to comply, when a guy says, 
sweetly, ‘Can I take those off for you?" 


DO IT SLOWLY 


Dara, 34: "There was this one guy who 
started to slide my panties off really slow- 
ly. He'd slide them down so the elastic 
straps were around the tops of my thighs, 
exposing my pubic hair, then he'd pull 
them up an inch or two and slide his fin- 
ger into the little space between the cloth 
and my pussy. Next, he'd pull my un- 
derwear down to midthigh, spread my 
legs a little, stroke my clitoris lightly, 
then pull them all the way back up, and 
lick me through the fabric. He would 
keep doing this accordion thing with my 
underwear, around my knees and then 
around my legs, and it made my pussy 
like a geyser. There was something about 
the expectation as well as the feeling of 
my legs being bound just a little that was 
unbelievable.” 


TORTURE HER 


Mark, 30: “What's incredible about 
that moment is delaying what's тем 
table as long as possible. When we first 
started dating, my girlfriend and I were 
making out on the couch. 1 could feel 


that little moistness in her panties, so I 
started to pull down on them. She 
pushed my hand away and Г tried with 
the other hand, but she wouldn't let me 
do it. So 1 picked her up, sat her down 
ona dining chair and tied her hands be- 
hind the back of the chair with a necktie. 
I think she was a little unsure but in- 
trigued. Then, without touching her at 
all with my hands, I got down between 
her legs and started licking her inch by 
inch from her feet all the way up, each 
leg, behind her knees, nibbling on the 
litle fleshy parts of her inner thighs, un- 
til my tongue was a millimeter away 
from her panties. Then I stood up and 
poured a Chivas and had a cigarette. By 
that point I could see the wetness of her 
pussy through the fabric, so J rolled an 
ice cube around in my mouth, and sucked 
a nipple. She couldn't take it anymore so 
she untied herself and flung her panties 
across the room.” 

Regina, 24: “I'd been flirting on and 
off with the guy I shared an office with— 
we were both dating other people. One 
summer afternoon I changed out of my 
suit into a little tank dress—in our office. 
IL told him not to look, but I knew he was 
peeking anyway, and of course I wanted 
that. I started to put lotion on my legs. 
He asked me if he could help. So I 
walked over to his desk, handed him the 
bottle and he started caressing the lotion 
into my calves, then my thighs, and pret- 
ty soon his hand was brushing against 
my panties. We both knew we shouldn't, 
but after about 10 minutes of this I de- 
manded that he take me on his desk.” 


PORTUGUESE IS THE LOVING TONGUE 


Damian, 26: “I was in the back of a 
car while traveling in Rio and had this 


profoundly sexy blonde next to me. She 
had somehow wiggled out of her ban- 
deau top and I managed to get her little 
python-skin skirt scrunched up around 
her waist. She had these take-me panties 
on—they were totally see-through and 
she was completely shaved. Wow. So I 
pulled out my best Portuguese and told 
her how badly I needed to fuck her. She 
vas shocked by my fluency, and it wasn't 
long before her G-string was wrapped 
around my wrist. 


LET HER DO IT 


Jack, 29: “This cute blonde would flirt 
with me like crazy after my band's gigs at 
the bar we played. She'd say the dirtiest 
things to me like, 'Let's go down to the 


men's bathroom and ГИ rub the neck of 


your bass against my pussy while I suck 
your cock.’ Meanwhile, her hands were 
all over my crotch. But we wouldn't be 
alone for more than five seconds in a cab 
before she'd slide over to her side and 
tighten up like we'd never met. So after 
about three or four nights of this J just 
started ignoring her teasing. Then one 
night she came up to me and said, ‘I'm 
going to the ladies’ room and then I'm 
going home.’ Good for you, | thought. 
She came upstairs, shoved something 
into my pocket and walked out. I felt 
around in my pants and found her pant- 
ies. I ran outside and she was waiting in 
a taxi with the door open.” 


pm 

Regina, 24: “There's nothing like be- 
ing in tight quarters—like a car—and be- 
ing all tangled up and feeling a guy grab 
and pull, and then just being free.” 


“Don't encourage him. He never guesses right anyway.” 


165 


1 00 th 
episode 


Irina Voronina 
Miss January 


Lauren Michelle Hill 
Miss February 


RIGINAL МОМ 


PREMIERES FEBRUARY 14 


imag Ш 


BEST O VOT NICE 
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Eu SEM 
les meke the most of their erotic sleuthing and fearless probing. 
ИШ 1,23 21,31. 


NAUGHTY AMATEUR HOME VIDEOS: Lib e 
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description of extreme and exc. January 20, 21,29, 31; February 9, 17, 21, 28. 


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ESSENTIALLY JULI: FAR OUT! 

Shes on top of her game in every way, so why wait? Get close to Juli today. 
February 18,20, 22,24, 28. 


NIGHT CALLS LIVE: 100th EPISODE 
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PLAYBOY 
For program information go to: 
play 


evs echo i‏ ا 
‘DISH Network, EXPRESSVU ec STAR CHOICE dealer.‏ 


© 2001 Playtoy Entertainment Gmap, Inc. All rights reserved. 


the sce 


ne 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


THE CANDY MAN CAN 


ot long ago, we spent the day at Chica- 

go's All Candy Expo and returned with a 

bag full of guy-type confections, including 

chocolate cigars and chocolate pizza. Talk 
about a candy-ass assignment. But the item that 
both caught our eye and snagged our sweet tooth 
was the edible picture that Hearts and Flowers Can: 
dy created. Its trame was made of chocolate and 
JAMES IMBROGNO 


Above: A rose by any oth- 
er name couldn't taste as 
sweet as these from Can- 
dy Flowers. They're coat- 
ed in Belgian chocolate 
and have a hazelnut pra- 
line filling ($35 a dozen). 
Right: This 14° chocolate 
pizza from Hearts and 
Flowers is definitely worth 
the wait ($42). Next to it 
is a Chinese takeout box 
containing halí a doz- 
en Vosges Haut-Chocolat 
truffles flavored with rare 
spices and flowers ($12). 


A WHERE AND HOW 10 BUY ON PAGE 162 


Top: Donnelly Chocolates won the award for finest hand- 
made chocolates at the 1998 Eurochocolate Festival. We un- 
derstand why after taking a bite of its dark chocolate bubbly 
Боше filled with chocolates and trufiles ($45). Next to it i 
an assortment of Donnelly chocolate bars in such exotic fla- 
vors as five-spice and ginger (six bars for $23). Above: A cus- 
tom chocolate photo ($40 for a framed 6"x8") and a box 
of 24 chocolate cigars ($60), both from Hearts and Flowers. 


the image itself (which was 
printed on chocolate) was cre- 
ated from FDA-approved food 
colors. We asked Hearts and 
Flowers to do one of June 
2000 Playmate Shannon Stew- 
art, and here is the result (be 
low). Hearts and Flowers does 
individual orders in sizes rang 
ing irom 2"x2" to 14'x 20". 
They also have dozens of 
ready-to-eat images. Present 
your picture with the choco- 
late roses, chocolate cham- 
pagne bottle or chocolate truf- 
fles in a Chinese takeout box 
(also shown here), and Valen- 
tine‘s Day may turn into Valen- 
tine’s night — DAVID STEVENS 


167 


A 
Marapevine 
тї Grabbing the Prize 


MEGAN MULLALLY and SEAN HAYES 
make Will and Grace, which is why they 
Between won Emmys. He's in the Buzz Lightyear 

a Rock video and she's in Speaking of Sex. 
anda 
Soft 
Place 
Model 
GEORGINA 
MORA is a 
| poster girl for 
Central Ameri- 
ca's most pop- 
ular beer, and 
she's a Kick- 
boxer, too. So 
drink up, but 
you'd bet- 
ter watch 
your.ass. 


Fred Kisses 
Wes’ Grits 
No limp bizkits here as FRED 
TQ) | DURST and WES BORLAND 
celebrate winning an MTV 
b Video Music Award. With 
Chocolate Starfish out 
and the Anger Manage- 
ment tour over, there's 
a temporary biz fizz. 


ans 


Reese's Pieces 
Brazilian model LUCIANA REESE is giving the 
Hawaiian sand a workout, appearing on both 
Pacific Blue and Baywatch. Now we know the 
meaning of sun kissed. 


168 


Gotcha 
Uncovered 
Fore and Aft 
Sure, you saw 
these two 
beauties at 
the Em- 

mys, but 

you didn’t 
see HALLE 
BERRY's 
breasts or 
GEENA 
DAVIS’ be- 
hind. That's 

a job for 
Grapevine. 
Geena has 
her own ТУ 
show and Stuart Little 2 
coming up, and Halle is 
starring with John Travolta 
and Hugh Jackman in 
Swordfish. Women of 
achievement revealed. 


IN 


il | 
La 


On the Rocks 
ANTOINETTE ABBOTT won the Hot Body Beverly Hills 
Naked Cheerleaders contest, and, if that weren't enough, 
she has appeared on The Man Show and in PLAYROY videos. 
We'll definitely cheer for that. 


Motpourri 


GIVE YOURSELF A BUZZ 


Health-conscious folks know that honey 
contains vitamins, minerals and amino 
acids. Now LoveHoney offers a reason 
for the rest of us to buy the sticky stuff. 
Creator Kate Perotti sprinkles her prod- 
uct with cinnamon, clove, ginseng. nut- 
meg, vanilla and cocoa bean, ingredients 
believed to have aphrodisiac powers. To 
order a jar for $24, call 866-652-2672. 
Or check lovehoney.com and do 

what comes naturally. 


VALENTINE RED HOTS 


Need help persuading your sweetheart to slip into something more 
comfortable this Valentine's Day? Try a Paint the Town Red bucket. In- 
side an innocuous paint can is the same red nightie our model wears 
here, a jar of Nutella hazelnut spread that doubles as body paint, a 
paintbrush and a roller, two red candles with holders and a 200 ml 
bottle of Red Hot Sex liqueur. You see where this is headed. The price 
is $79. Call Bright Ideas, Unlimited at 888-588-4332. 


RISKO BUSINESS 


Celebrity caricaturist Robert Risko got 
his big break in 1978 when Andy War- 
hol gave him an assignment for Interview 
magazine. Since then, Risko's images 
have been seen everywhere, from video- 
box covers to movie posters. His best 
renderings of newsmakers from the 
past 20 years are collected in Monacelli 
Press’ The Risko Book, an oversize $29.95 
softcover: Check bookstores. 


ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE THE BRITISH 


It's winter now, but just around the corner is roadster weather. The 
est convertibles from Detroit, Germany and Japan are reliable and 
but there's something about a classic Е. sports car—with its raspy 
exhaust and unforgiving ride—that turns 
"Toad. If you dor't believe us, order a ye 
a bimonthly magazine from Californi 
self dreaming of the day you can drive 
Plus 4 down a wii 


170 1683, Los Altos 


subscription to British С 
c if you don't find your- 
> ХК120 or a Morgan 


fornia 94023, or order by calling 800-520-8292. 


HOLLYWOOD WENT NUTS 


Frank Sinatra loved Ross Nut 
Co.'s Fancy Colossal Pista- 
chios so much he'd send his 
private plane to pick up a 
monthly supply. Clark Gable 
was a fan, as were William 
Holden and Jack Benny. The 
company, which dates back to 
1952, seems at one time to 
have supplied half of Holly- 
wood with its perfect pis 
chios. To go nuts yourself, 
call 800-941-0440 and order 
from two pounds of pista- 
chios ($16) ю a jumbo tin 
($66). Other nuts and a vari- 
ety of candies are also avail- 
able. Check www.rossnut.com 


ALEXANDER THE GREAT 


Jesse Alexander loved to shoot in black and white, and Driven. 

The Racing Photography of Jesse Alexander 1954-1962 is a collection 
of his best work (above: the Grand Prix of Monaco, 1962). Sur 
ling Moss’ introduction toasts the sport as well as Alexander. The 
1 from Chronicle Books, at 800-722-6657. 


NICE HEELS 


Prolific pin-up artist Jennifer 
Janesko, whose work has ap- 
peared in PLAYBOY numerous 
times, has been back at the 
drawing board creating sexy 
new images for her merchan- 
dise line. Pictured at right is 
a 24”x 54" poster that original- 
ly sold for $650 as a limited- 
edition print. Now you can 
buy it for $42 unsigned or 
$57 signed. Janesko also has 
a 2001 calendar for sale. Or- 
der a catalog from Janesko 
Fine Art, PO. Box 12843, 
Kansas City, Kansas 66112, 
go 10 janesko.com or call 
877-332-8989. 


LOVE POTION 


amasutra, a German liqueur line created 
m ginseng root, is now in liquor stores. Its 
funky label, depicting a Hindu couple about to 
get it on, is reason enough to add it to your bar. 
Mix Kamasutra Exotic with orange juice, Coke 
or champagne, or serve it on the rocks. Kama- 
sutra Coconut tastes best in black coffee or 
blended with chocolate liqueur. Price: about 
$22 each, in 750 ml bottles. Check ahardyusa 
com for more information. 


ALI SLEPT HERE 


In the Seventies, karate master George Dill- 
man trained with Muhammad Ali at his Deer 
Lake, Pennsylvania camp on Sculpshill Moun- 
tain. When the property came up for sale sev- 
eral years ago, Dillman bought it, refurbished 
the cabins and opened the Butterfly and Bee 
Bed and Breakfast. Elvis, Sammy Davis Jr. and 
Howard Cosell visited Ali there, and the place 
is packed with memorabilia. A cabin is $75 a 
night double occupancy (two-night minimum), 
including breakfast. To book a stay call 570- 
366-6365 or go to dillman.com. 


BNext Month 


172 


FASHION ROAD TRIP 


KYLIE BAX—THE ACTRESS AND SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SU- 
PERMODEL PEELS OFF HER SWIMSUIT. DO WE CARE ABOUT 
OUR READERS OR WHAT? 


ONE CORNER OF HELL—TEXAS PRISONS ARE A WORLD 
APART—FULL OF CORRUPTION AND VIOLENCE. AN INSIDE RE- 
PORT FROM A MAN WHO'S WITNESSED 17 YEARS OF RIOTS 
AND MURDER 


DREAM ON—IN AN EFFORT TO FULFILL HER HUSBAND'S FAN- 
TASIES, AMANDA GREEN ENROLLS IN A DREAM-MANIPULA- 
TION COURSE. HE'S GOT HER COUNTING ORGASMS, SHE'S 
THINKING SHEEP 


EXTREMELY NUDE—PLAYBOY'S SUPERPLAYMATES DA- 
NELLE FOLTA, KALIN OLSON AND JENNIFER LAVOIE SUR- 
VIVED THE DAUNTING ECO-CHALLENGE IN BORNEO. TO CELE- 
BRATE, THEY STRIPPED OFF THEIR GEAR AND POSED FOR A 
ROCK-HARD PICTORIAL 


RIDLEY SCOTT—THE DIRECTOR OF ALIEN, BLADE RUNNER 
AND GLADIATOR TACKLES HANNIBAL THE CANNIBAL. A BITING 
PROFILE BY MICHAEL FLEMING 


BOBBY KNIGHT—WAIT UNTIL YOU READ THIS LIVELY—VERY 
LIVELY—CHAT WITH THE FORMER INDIANA UNIVERSITY BAS- 
KETBALL COACH ABOUT ZERO TOLERANCE, PLAYERS VERSUS 
ATHLETES, DESPISING THE PRESS, GAMBLING AND DRINKING 
ON CAMPUS. WILL HE COACH AGAIN? AN EXPLOSIVE INTER- 
VIEW ВУ LAWRENCE GROBEL 


TREME PLAYMATES 


TRACI LORDS—THE NOTORIOUS ADULT-FILM STAR WHO'S 
KNOCKING ON HOLLYWOOD'S DOOR GOES DEEP ON BEING A 
TEENAGE PORN VETERAN, NOT THINKING SHE WOULD LIVE 
PAST 21, GIRL-GIRL SEX VERSUS GIRL-GUY SEX AND HOW TO 
GIVE A BLOW JOB WITHOUT MESSING UP YOUR LIPSTICK. 
200 BY ROBERT CRANE 


SPARRING PARTNER—RITA HAS A GOLDEN COMPLEXION, 
SCULPTED LIPS AND A MEAN LEFT HOOK. LOUIS, HER BOXING 
BUDDY, HAS A DIFFERENT KIND OF ACTION IN MIND. FICTION 
BY LUCIUS SHEPARD 


THE BUZZ ON SEX MANUALS— PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, 
BUT SOME PEOPLE PREFER TO READ ABOUT BECOMING A 
BETTER LOVER. WE RATE AMAZON.COM'S TOP 10 


WATCH THIS—SEVEN SLICK TICKERS THAT DOUBLE AS CELL 
PHONES, HEART MONITORS AND DIGITAL CAMERAS. TELLING 
TIME WAS NEVER SO COOL 


STYLIN’ AMERICA—WE DISCOVERED A SLEW OF YOUNG 
AMERICAN DESIGNERS IN PALM SPRINGS. GET PRIMED FOR 
THE RETURN OF MOD. FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


PLUS: SPRINGTIME CENTERFOLD MIRIAM GONZALEZ, PLAY- 
MATE JENNIFER ROVERO’S BEDROOM SECRETS, CAR GAD- 
GETS YOU SHOULDN'T DRIVE WITHOUT, TOUGH NEW UR- 
BAN BICYCLES, A SURVIVOR WISH LIST TO MAKE RICHARD 
HATCH DROOL AND THE PERFECT CURE FOR A DRY SPELL— 
THE ABC'S OF LAUNCHPAD SEX