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But she uses labels all the time!

Find out what she labels in the July issue of PLAYBOY.

At your side.

Brother International Corporation, Bridgewater, NJ е Brother Industries Ltd., Nagoya, Japan

Playboy 2001
P-Touch is a registered trademark of Brother International Corporation

Playboy and Pleymate of the Year are marks of Playboy and used with permission.

Miaybil!

Happy BIRTHDAY, Marilyn. Depending on how you slice the
b-day cake, we're either three quarters through or halfway in-
to the Marilyn Monroe century. Gentlemen prefer the latter,
which marks not her birthday (she'd be 75 this month) but
her baptism as Sweetheart of the Month in the first issue of
PLAYBOY. “Her initial appearance embodied the first truly
open communication in America about sexuality,” says Seott
Turow. Rosebud! In Forever Marilyn Turow reminds us—with
the help of some luscious nudes—why MM matters. You can
follow her lineage all the way to Brande Roderick, our heady
Playmate of the Year. Thanks to a romance with Hef and a run
on the beaches of Baywatch Hawaii, Brande's career is in great
shape. And so is she—check out her tail-thumping PMOY pi
torial, shot by Stephen Wayda. Woof-woof!

Charlie Sheen is pure Hollywood issue. Son of Martin Sheen
and brother of Emilio Estevez, Sheen wasn't destined for
greatness, he was driven to it. His quest to outdo his friends
and neighbors reached an early climax with Platoon. Then he
spent the next decade trying to repeat it—only with pounds of
coke and Heidi Fleiss girls. In an interview by David Rensin,
Sheen relives a nightmarish world of nonstop partying. Now
he's the most charming guy on TV in Spin City. LA’s dream-
scape can seduce anyone. In the Eighties Jerry Bruckheimer was
half of the most explosive partnership in movies. He and Don
Simpson produced Flashdance, Beverly Hills Cop and Top Gun.
Now Bruckheimer opens his latest, the $135 million Pearl
Harbor. Read Bombs Away by Steve Pond and decide if the title is
about Admiral Yamamoto's cunning or Bruckheimer's ma-
chomania. (The illustration is by Alan Magee.)

People actually live in LA, people like Executive Editor

Stephen Randall. He has parlayed his grasp of the abstruse sci-
ences behind Koo Koo Roo, the Valley and Trader Уіс and
turned it into a new novel, The Other Side of Mulholland (St.
Martin's). We're happy to present an excerpt from the book,
about а TV writer and his hard-charging girlfriend. Joel Naka-
mura did the art. Back in LA Fast (take that, you yapping
Yorkies), Edward Burns became a hero among city cops and
Hamptons busboys by jigging his way through Sundance with
his low-budget hit, The Brothers McMullen. Bigger directing
jobs—and a string of beautiful girlfriends—followed. Warren
Kalbacker caught up with Burns to talk about Irish power in a
city-centric 20 Questions.
Did someone say viral pandemic? In The Deadly Air, Michael
Parrish puts viruses under the microscope and weighs the odds
of another outbreak like the influenza epidemic of 1918, It
doesn't look good. You'll walk around wearing a surgical mask
after you read the piece, checking the sky conjured by artist
Jordin Isip.

When it comes to repl
Anka Radakovich. She

g, no one does it better than
mbled her pals for a new LA-style
episode in our series Cily Girls. Oh, the places you'll go:
There's Tina (once used Wisk as lube), Misty (can't stand to
hear you say “I blew my nuts") and Christy (loves her fake
boobs, even though she can't feel a thing). It's the verbal coun-
terpart to Richard Freeman's 10 Great Porn DVDs. They're
scorchers all. Our fashion feature this month addresses the
summer Friday dress code: How do you rush out of town for
a casual beach weekend and still look sharp? Don't miss Grand
Central Getaway by Joseph De Acetis. Then forget clothes and
check out The News Flashers. It's a pictorial of the talking heads
and rocking nude bodies of our favorite web babes outside of
Playboy.com.

TUROW

WAYDA

RENSIN

NAKAMURA

RADAKOVICH FREEMAN DE ACETIS

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), June 2001, volume 48, number 6. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North
€

chicago, Illinois 60611. P
Publications Mail Sales Product Agreem
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51

cals postage paid at

ago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Canadian

No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to
4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit @playboy.com.

ABSOLUT” VORA. PRODUCT OF SWEOEN JOA
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vol. 48, no. 6—june 2001

features

84 FOREVER MARILYN
She was born 75 years ago, the greatest and most elusive sex kitien to prowl
our popular culture. She set the gold standard in platinum. She snagged our best
slugger and preeminent playwright. What was her secret? BY SCOTT TUROW

98 THE DEADLY AIR
Foot-and-mouth disease devastates livestoch—other viruses could do the same for
humans. They're deadly weapons in the hands of terrorists. Nature is doing its
own sinister work. A scary report on the tiniest of terrors. BY MICHAEL PARRISH

108 TEN GREAT PORN DVDS
These are the don’t-miss treats, rated by one who knows, all currently available

on video or DVD. Our report could save you hours of prowling the racks.

124 BOMBS AWAY
Jerry Bruckheimer, Hollywood's adrenaline master—Top Gun, Beverly Hills Cop,
Armageddon—sets his sights on Pearl Harbor. Can he score another direct hit?
PROFILE BY STEVE POND

135 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: JESSICA LEE
Jessica likes a guy to take his time down under. And she repays in kind.

136 20Q EDWARD BURNS
The producer, writer, director and star of the no-frills Brothers McMullen has since
worked for Spielberg and opposite De Niro. This son of a New York Cily cop has an
Irishman’s gift of gab—and a new film. BY WARREN KALBACKER

139 CITY GIRLS: LA STYLE

Four young women got together to talk sex and compare notes. We paid for the Cover stor y
drinks. Then we stood back. BY ANKA RADAKOVICH Four years ogo she packed her Napa sack and
headed far Hollywood. And what a trip it's
been: о starring rale an Baywatch Hawaii, one
of Hef's Mansian favorites, and now PMOY—
as announced on the TV hit Just Shoot Me.
92 THE OTHER SIDE OF MULHOLLAND Stephen Woyda got a whole new perspective

d on Brande Roderick. Our Rabbit, os usual,
A Hollywood screenwriter gets his big break and Perry's pals celebrate. But the back makes himself the center of attention.

end is a bitch—in more ways than one. BY STEPHEN RANDALL Y ғ
interview МАВ. 2
71 CHARLIE SHEEN г

Nobody partied like the Machine—even Slash told Sheen he was nuts. Now the star Ж
of Platoon, Wall Street and the Heidi Fleiss trial has cleaned up in Spin City, The d sl
good neus: He still has tales to tell. BY DAVID RENSIN <

fiction

vol. 48, no. 6—june 2001

contents continued

pictorials

142

THE NEWS FLASHERS

On this online network, stuffed
shirts were replaced with no shirts.
Dan Rather, eat your heart out.

PLAYMATE:

HEATHER SPYTEK
Heather loves award shous.
She renewed our interest in
Golden Globes.

PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR
Brande is better than VSOP—
she's PMOY.

notes and news

HOWARD AND HEF
Hef and Howard Stern rock
ош with Rod Stewart and
Smash Mouth.

MANSION LOVEFEST
Hef threw Kylie Bax a party on
Valentine's Day.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

Women's magazines on sex.

PLAYMATE NEWS
Julia Schultz in Rush Hour 2,
Lisa Welch's winery.

departments

PLAYBILL

DEAR PLAYBOY
AFTER HOURS
WIRED

LIVING ONLINE
MEN
MANTRACK

122
168
191
192
194

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR
PARTY JOKES

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY
ON THE SCENE
GRAPEVINE

POTPOURRI

lifestyle

102

130

FASHION: GRAND CENTRAL
GETAWAY

Weekend jaunts test style and
strategy. Here's what to throw

in your shoulder bag.

BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

HAULIN' ASS
The latest pickups can tame a
mountain —and make a girl look
twice. BY KEN GROSS

DADS AND GRADS

B&O's portable stereo, an Apple
laptop—toys for the boys.

reviews

MUSIC
Low, Ani DiFranco, the Pharcyde.

MOVIES
A Merchant-Ivory winner, a
triumph for John Turturro.

VIDEO
Ultimate MM, crime fiascos,
Paul Verhoeven.

BOOKS
James Ellvoy, Bare Fists and
Irvine Welsh.

PRINTED IN U.S.A,

009 00 v6-212 ‘Hd '1ооо AN HOA M3N ОМІ SRO

08:398 - (483;

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL

FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI editorial
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER assistant editor; DAN HENLEY
administrative assistant; STAF!

HRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; ALISON LUNDGREN, BARBARA

NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT B. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; CAROL

ACKERBERG, REAGAN BROOKS, LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER HAEBE. CAROL KUBALEK,
HARRIET PEASE edilorial assistants; CARTOON:

ICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: BRETT HUSTON
associate editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher;

GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; TIM GALVIN
JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant; CONTRIBUTING

EDITORS: ASA BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL
KEN GROSS, WARREN KALB,

СКЕН. D. KEITH MANO. JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF

ART
KERIG POPE managing art director; SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior
art directors; ROB WILSON assistant art director; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art

assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER senior editor;
PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES, STEPHANIE NORRIS associate edilors; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; RICHARD
FEGLEY, ARNY FREVTAC, RICHARD IZUI, DAVID MECEV, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA
contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORCIOU studio manager—chicago; BILL WHITE studio
manager—tos angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN,

PENNY EKKERT, GISELA ROSE production coordinators

PRODUCTION
МАША MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO,

INDY PONTARELLI, RICHARD
QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TERIELA (ypeselte

SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK, ELAINE PERRY assistants

ILL BENWAY

CIRCULATION
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director;

CINDY RAKOWITZ communications director

ADVERTISING
JAMES DIMONEKAS associate publisher; jor HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULU. direct
response manager; TERRI BUNOFSKY marketing director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director;
CAROL STUCKHARDT research director, NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPP. KIM COHEN, STEVEN MUMFORD,
KARLA TEWES; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER; CHICAGO: BILL ROUSE; ATLANTA: BILL
BENTZ, SARAH HUEY, GREG MADDOCK; MARIE FIRNENO advertising business manager;
KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator

READER SERVICE
MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM Correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC.
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer

MICHAEL T. CARR president, publishing division

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MOVIE STARS AND SUPERMODELS

The Valentine's Day party Hef threw for his seven
sweethearts and Kylie Bax' March PLAYBOY cover at-
tracted famous friends—Kevin Spacey, for one.

DRESSED TO THRILL

If you missed the March 2001 issue of Vanity Fair, you missed the wild pajama-and-
lingerie pillow fight that illustrated the profile on Hef and his girlfriends. It's a look in-
side the Playboy Mansion, where these beauties live without the feathers.

GOLDEN
GLOBES AT

THE PLAYBOY
MANSION

On a night of a thou-
sand parties, Hef's
Golden Globe revels
included funnymen
Jon Lovitz and Dan
Aykroyd, welcomed
here by Playmate
Victoria Fuller. But it
didn't end there. Lat-
er, Hef took his party
Posse out on the town.

ROCKING

RABBIT

Our Rabbit shows up in

all the right places. Vita-

min C and Courtney Love

make a fashion statement

on awards shows and on
the slopes.

MUST SEE TV
Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick and our main man star in an episode of the
popular NBC comedy Just Shoot Me, with David Spade. Spade's impersonation of
Hefner must be way off—it's killing Brande.

ae ein TRA se о gD рл тү gm ши VETA Сч

MANSION
LOVEFEST

ed a Valentine's Day party for supermodel
Kylie Bax and his blonde babies. (1) Kim Stan-
field, Tina Jordan, Tiffany Holliday and Steph-
anie Heinrich with you-know-who. (2) Bawdy
broads Roseanne and Ruby Wax. (3) Cover girl
Kylie with publisher Hef. (4) Tiffany and Buffy
Tyler admire Liz Haan's peacock feathers. (5)
Bill Maher and friend. (6) We're always stoked
to see Suzanne Stokes. (7) Jonathan Silverman
receives a sexy smooch. (8) Thora Birch sinks
onc in the game room. (9) Suzanne, Jaime
Bergman, Carrie Stevens, Shiloh McCormick
and Tina in a loving moment, (10) Hef and
Kevin Spacey talk. (11) Charlie Matthau, Paul
Sorvino, Garry Marshall and gal pals. (12)
Martin Landau and Judge Julie Strain of Sex
Court share a laugh. (13) Bill Maher, Alan
Thicke, Donna D'Errico and Kato Kaelin. (14)
Jaime Bergman and Angel Boris get friendly.
(15) Jenny McCarthy parties with hus-
band John Asher (far right), Andy Dick,
Regina Lauren, Buffy and friends. (16)
Revelers show their stuff. (17) Scott Caan
is bussed by Shannon Stewart.

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Dear Playboy а

(680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 40611
E-MAIL DEARPE C? PLAYBOT.COM

iHOLA! MIRIAM
PLAYBOY has hit the jackpot with
am Gonzalez (Miriam on Cue, Ма
"Thanks for giving Latinas their due.
Ed Shanahan
Citrus Heights, California

rch).

On a scale of one to 10, Miriam Gon-
zalez isa 12
Steven Rowe
Columbus, Ohio

I'm thrilled that you finally graduated
one of your Voluptuous Vixens to Playmate
status. m looks better than ever.

Aslum Khan
Syracuse, New York

Banking on Miriam.

Miriam's radiant personality shines
ight through the pages of her Center-
fold. She has a smile warm enough to
melt ice.

Ed Barczak
Elgin, Illinois

Miriam is the sexiest Playmate since
the legendary Marilyn Lange appeared
in PLAYBOY more than 25 years ago.

Ed Niemiec

Cypress Point, California

FOREPLAY
Your Topless Golf feature (March) blew

me away. I have played scrious golf for
many years, and all I've gotten is frus-
trated. I'm going to start playing fun
golf, and I might not even keep score.
Phoenix, here I come.

Ralph Guldahl

San Francisco, California

BEHIND BARS
I'm an inmate in Texas, and I want to
compliment you on a well-researched,
excellent article on life inside Texas
prisons (Hardcore Hate, March). Recently,
one of my white acquaintances refused
housing with a black inmate, so anoth-
er black inmate retaliated by beating up
the white guy. Officers escorted the white
nmate to prehearing detention. The
result: Twenty-five blacks showed up in
the dayroom ready to riot against three
whites. I don't blame the inmates. The
administration creates tension, and the
inmates are left to deal with it.
Richard Wainscott
Brazoria, Texas

Thanks for a piece of work that is right
on the money concerning the Texas De-
partment of Criminal Justice. Since my
arrival here in 1991, Гус seen every-
thing there is to see and then some. Like
a repulsive bog, the deeper you dig, the
more repugnant it gets. I came into this
system a sheltered white boy, turned in-
to a hate-filled animal and have finally

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PLAYBOY

become one of the more reflective peo-
ple here. If the monkeys at the zoo
were treated as we are, the outcry for pro-
tection would raise the roof. Thank you
for being our protector, even for just a
moment.

William Butler
Stevenson Unit
Cuero, Texas

Doing Texas fime.

John Doe's article would have been
more accurate had he mentioned that
rape, extortion, assault and strong-arm
robbery by blacks against whites hap-
pens every day, and correctional officers
don't intervene. In the Eighties and

Nineties, white inmates inside the TDC]
weren't even allowed in the dayrooms.
A walk to the chow hall in some cases
meant peril. Doe's liberal use of second-
hand and even thirdhand information
only feeds into the muck the authorities
dish out to the public and media in an at-
tempt to suck dollars into a system that
remains broken.

Mark Gaspard
Founder

National President
Aryan Circle
Lovelady, Texas

KNIGHT FIGHT

Thanks for the entertain-
ing Playboy Interview with
Bob Knight (March). It's too
bad that Lawrence Grobel
traveled the well-worn path
that so many in the me
have traversed. Everybody
who cares already knows
that Knight is a talented
coach with a fiery temper. It
was invigorating to see Gro-
bel incur Knights wrath, but
it’s unfortunate he didn't
use his time with Knight to learn more
about the coach's convictions and share
those insights with readers who turn to
PLAYBOY for a fresh perspective.
Joseph Meyers
Groton, Connecticut

1 think we all know one thing for cer-
tain now: Coach Knight is nuts. I hope
the increased awareness generated by
this interview will create a little pressure
for him to get some help
Jon Bauman
Phoenix, Arizona

At long last someone tried to do what
I wanted to do all my life—throw my
annoying, provocative brother out of a
car. The press may not understand you,
Bobby, but 1 do.
Roberta Grobel Intrater
Brooklyn, New York

Lawrence Grobel blew it. We already
know Knight's a psycho. So what? He's
also one of the greatest coaches ever—
and all Grobel can do is talk about the
chair-throwing incident and rehash the
politics that led to Knight's dismissal. By
far, the most interesting part of the in-
terview is when Knight is given the op-
portunity to talk about basketball.

Callum Hutchins
San Francisco, California

I'm glad Grobel got out of his inter-
view with Knight alive. 1 hope every uni-
versity official around the country will
read it and use it as a sanity check to de-
ny this guy a coaching job.
Eric Samuelson
Huntington, New York

155 horsepower and room ‚for two. In case you feel like sharing. You found it, So you

Jane e қаралы келін prot
respect others around you, Don't drink and ride. Call Ihe Yamaha WatesCra ing Center at 1-800-

OM. WAVERUNNER‘

Grobel had an agenda that was appar-
ent from the first question: to expose
Knights legendary temper and show the
world what a good interviewer he is. So
now Grobel has a war story to share with
his buddies over a drink, and PLAYBOY
readers were given a sorry excuse for an
interview

Christian Ellison
La Grande, Oregon

Like him or not, Bobby Knight has
been a significant figure on the basket-
ball scene for decades. I was disappoint-
ed in Grobel's hatchet job. His reporting
wasn't balanced. Frankly, 1 don't blame
Knight lor trying to throw Grobel out of
the car

Paul Gibson
Clearwater, Florida

TO THE MAX WITH KYLIE BAX
When God made supermodel Kylie

Bax (March), he gave her beautiful blue

eyes and blonde hair, creamy skin, pouty

lips, long, sexy legs, and breasts that

point all the way home to heaven.
Robert Jefler
Ridgewood, New Jersey

Your Kylie Bax feature is a refreshing
change from the wholesome pictorials
that are the norm for PLAYBoy. Oh, I like
the wholesome stuff all right, but it's nice
to toss in a little spice in the magazine

Nice heels, Kylie.

here and there
and dog collars,

especially the leather

John Morris
Chicago, Illinois

THE MINORITY REPORT
Most people laugh at the idea of men's
rights until they hear the [acts (Men,

some examples of female privilege Га
ike to add to Asa Baber's list: Women
emain publicly anonymou
ng a man of rape, while the accused has
no parallel right. Women's criminal sen-
tences are more lenient than those of
men convicted of the same crime. Wom-
en have a reproductive right to choose,
while men have no rights at all.
Marc Roemer
Washington, D.C.

when accu

Naked women are nice but I have long
enjoyed PLAYBOY'S articles and columns
even more, especially Asa Baber's month-
ly examination of life. His last piece list-
ed several areas where men continue to
lose right ng, however, is the most
compelling—the issue of abortion. We
always hear about a woman's right to
choose, but do men forfeit our rights be-
cause we don't have the apparatus to
carry our children? It's time for us to re-
gain our rights as me

Jason Fredregill
West Des Moines, lowa

Baber responds: Abortion is the toughest
problem to discuss, and there is logic and truth
on both sides of the issue. But, until children
are carried in artificial wombs (and that time
will come), neither the state nor any man can

force a woman to give birth. Not in any soci-

ety Га want to live in.

Well now, if 1 told you all where it was,
it wouldn't be a secret riding spot, would it?

JACK олан» |) TENNESSEE WHISKEY

Visit us at www jackdanicls.com.

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A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING

THE SIX LAWS OF INTERNET
DATING SERVICES

notice how it is to flirt on
e-mail? That's the number one reason to
consider Internet dating services to meet
new women. Of the 50 million adults
who hit the Net regularly, seven percent
used online dating services—and that
was last year, Just keep the following
rules in mind:

Start with a free service: Free singles ser-
vices guarantee a high volume of traffic
(from hookers to female truckers and ev-
eryone in between). Choose a large free
site that lets you post the location of your
expansive personal profile

Check out the terms of service: If there are
rules against posting the address of your
paid site, get creative. Look at other ads
on the page to see how it's done. The
best free sites: personals.yahoo.com and
love.aol.com (love.com outside AOL).

Always use a photo in your ads: It doesn't
matter if you're in full cyborg regalia—
put it up. Profiles with photos get three
to 10 times the hits than those without.

Be honest in your profile and replies:
Women find online honesty refreshing.
It will set you apart from the lying, thiev-
ing bastards you drink beers with e

Friday. Don't settle for incomplete an
swers, either. Express yourself, Cyrano.

Respond quickly: The net offers a wom-
an the same thing as her favorite vi-
brator: instant gratification. Try not to
keep her waiting

John Leslie is full of surprises. In addition to his notable accom-
plishments as porn star and film director, he’s also a talented
painter. Given his day job, one might think that he'd take up the
style of Jackson Pollock (heavy on gesso, heavy on the drip). Not so.
The watercolor above is representative of Leslie's best work. We're always
psyched by his videos (check out Chameleons, Dogwalker and the recent mind-
bender, Drop Sex), and we're equally delighted by his muse's more demure ex-
pressions—porticularly when she doesn't end up with anything on her face.

Try these sites first: Datingfaces.com is
new and sophisticated, but you may find
its young database a bit smalll (particular
ly outside major cities). Match.com, one
of the first sites up, has a huge database.

Matchmaker.com has membership in the

HOT MOMA!

millions and it's cheap. And Udate.com
has real-time chat features—so prepare
to type with both hands

HORSING AROUND

If you're not a fan of glam porn vid-
eos, you're probably unaware of the lat-
est developments in sex toys. One place
to turn to is the Toys in Babeland (babe
land.com) catalog. The store is run by
women, primarily for women, and has
an carnest feminist underpinning. What
caught our eye was the horsetail plug,
which is described as “equal parts butt-
plug, costume and sensation toy. It's so
versatile that it can be used as a light
whip.” Or you can “turn yourself into
a pony by inserting the plug.” While

it's easy to conclude that a young girl's

ation with horses is not casy to
buck, there's actually quite a tradition to
this fetish we're talking about the
Greeks, particularly saürists who mai
tained that Aristotle liked to give his w
nude pony rides around the house. Ever
since, the activity has been referred to as
the Aristotelian Perversion.

WHAT, ME WHINE?

iam Gaines left a significant lega-
cy when he died in 1992. As founder of
Mad magazinc, he established one of the
most innovative satirical publications of
modern times. Its spokesman, Alfred Е.
Neuman, became the paradigm for the
happily disengaged vit. But Gaines
was a man of considerable taste, which
might be surprising for someone whose
magazine prided itself on its lack of taste.
We noticed that when Gaines’ wine cellar
went up for auction, it included a re-
spectable number of Bordeaux in appro-
ive vintages. The most
notable wines were in the string of Do-
ine de la Romanée-Coi Vache,
Romanée-Conti, Grands-F:
Richebourg—which are the most presti-
gious and expensive of Burgundy’s best
With these sorts of bottles in your
easy 10 find the rest of the
world hilarious,

NO, BUTT SERIOUSLY

They say it’s “the perfect gift solution
for those compulsive types who need
to loosen their grip.” But what they sell
is the Tidy Butt enema—a premixed
concoction of sodium phosphates in a
squeeze bottle. We noticed this item as
we were wandering around the adult-
film section of the Consumer Electronics
Show and we have this queasy feeling it’s
not simply a gag.

HELLO, DOLLY

What will the women of the future
look like? It pays to take note of what
today’s girls are thinking. Some signs
may come from the sales of Smartees,
a line of dolls identified by voca-
tion. Vicky the Veterinarian reigns as
the top-selling Smartee, followed
by Amanda the Architect, Taylor the
‘Teacher and Destiny the Doctor. By
contrast, Ashley the Attorney and Emi
ly the Entrepreneur have flopped.
These sales figures are parent-influ-
enced, say the makers of Smartees,
which means that Inga the Intern never
had a chance

MOVABLE TYPE

Digital Industry, a journal that tracks
the Internet, wonkishly rated the na-
tion's newspapers. Its conclusions:

“The Wall Street Journal is read by peo-
ple who run the country. The New York
Times is read by people who think they
run the country. The Washington Post is
read by people who think they ought to
run the country. USA Today is read by
people who think they ought to run the

country, but don't understand The Wash
ington Post. The Los Angeles Times is read
by people who wouldn't mind running
the country, if they could spare the
time. The Boston Globe is read by people
whose parents used to run the country
The New York Daily News is read by peo-
ple who aren't sure who's running the
country. The New York Post is read by
people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something
scandalous. The San Francisco
Chronicle is read by people

who aren't sure there is a country

or that anyone is running it. The Miami
Herald is read by people who are run-
ning another country."

THE JAY LOWDOWN

This Father's Day, we'd like to make
special mention of Screamin' Jay Haw-
kins, who, as the annals of profligacy will
attest, has attained a stature few can
match. Although best known as the pio-
neer of funereal stage antics—precur-
sor to Alice Cooper and Ma
son—and the Fifties masterpiece J Put a
Spell on You, the Cleveland native appar-
ently also possessed legendary potency.

The government is often lik-
ened to a tentacled monster.
It's fitting, then, that one of
Washington's most popular
cocktails features a cepha-
lopod. Jeff Tunks, owner of
TenPenh in D.C., created a
martini-inspired drink for the
town’s most uninhibited in-
terns. His saketini (left) is
garnished with a baby oc-
topus. It’s slightly spicy and
pink, thanks to o brining
process that uses chili poste.
The little guy rests elegantly
іп а blend of Vox vodka (2.5
ounces) and Ichinokura sake
{2 ounces). "Young women
like it,” says beverage direc-
tor Vinnie Nair. “They say
they will try anything ot least
once. They order the saketini
much more offen than men.”
Perhaps that's because guys
prefer to get their pink and
briny treats elsewhere.

The Legend Continues.
Introducing the rich, smooth taste of
New Во! vored Copenhagen Black.

PLAYBOY

Shortly before his death last year in
Paris, Hawkins boasted that he'd “fa.

thered at least 57 children.” This was
news to many of his kids, who finally met
for the first time at a gathering of the
Hawkins brood at LA's House of Blues
earlier this year. Some, like daughter

Melissa Ahuna, told us they “still love”
their departed dad and harbor no re-
sentment. Others, like eldest daughter
Sookie Hawkins, find bones to pick with
the skull-waving singer. “I was angry be-
cause I didn't want to share him. I'm his
first daughter and I don’t want to hear
about no other kids.” Hawkins Jr. could
take some solace in the fact that not ev-
erybody has as bona fide a paternity
claim as she. One website claims to have
flushed out about half of Hawkins’ chil-
dren. On it, JJ of Orange, California ad-
mits, “I'm fully white and I know who
my real father and mother are. But if
there's money involved, I will be any-
body's kid!"

DAVE'S WORLD

There's a lot to recommend in Eti-
quetie for Outlaus by Rob Cohen and

POP

How to help
YOUR HUSBAND
GET AHEAD

E E HAY M
Entertaining
TO PLEASE HIM

In memory of the time when men were
men und women dressed funny, we pre:
sant our first

HOW TO PUT YOUR $
HUSBAND THROUGH
COLLEGE--

David Wollock (HarperCollins). What
caught our eye was how Dave Navarro,
formerly of Jane's Addiction and the
Red Hot Chili Peppers, handles group-
ies: He doesn't. “I would rather pay for
an escort than hurt some young
feelings,” Navarro says. “I've had wom-
en move to LA with their bags and they
don't know anybody here, and they're
like, ‘I'm here, remember me? I'm Nan-
cy from Virginia.’ I'm like, ‘Nancy from
Virginia, you gotta go.” So I decided it
was in my best interest and the interest of
mankind to sleep with a woman who's
made the conscious decision to sell her
body for the evening, by the hour. The
irony here is that because I would
rather sleep with the escort than the
groupie, I'm the one who gets looked
upon by other musicians as the sick
bastard."

OUT BUT NOT DOWN

If you're pursuing a career in the
fight game, try to get Darrin Morris’ PR
man in your corner. Morris, a super-
middleweight, was ranked seventh in
the world by the World Boxing Organi-

and last Lily Politzer Prizes
Popular ro-
mente novel
ist Barbora
Taylor Brad-
ford wrote
Entertaining.
to Please Him
ip 1969 os
part of the
Tong-loment-
ed "How to
Be the Perfact
Wife” series:
How ta Put
Your Husband
Through Col
lege (1970)
includes the
chapter “You
Are Wacky
But Wonder
ful!" The 1978
dating guide How To
Mes! Men... Now That
You're Liberated offers
such timeless counsel
as, “What actually turns.
men on is energy.” How
la Help Your Husband
Gef Ahead (1964) asks
"Working Wife: Help

or Hindrance?” Hin-
drance? How about
‘Annuity of Reve

nue Sinkhole?"

I AM CURIOUS, CELL

Artist Riccardo Hayes, who once
described his work as "suggestive
fantasies," likes the feminine prop-
erties of bowed instruments. This
sculpture is part of a series that ex-
plores the sexual tension of the
string section. It takes the ideas in
Man Ray photographs one step fur-
ther. The instrument is so appeal-
ing it cries out for some pizzicato.

zation in December. By Feb
WBO had moved him up to
ction to this is unknow
4 died in October

OVERLY COCKY

Our congratulations to you if you are
among those men who have had reason
to join the Large Penis Support Group
on the web. But can anyone explain pre-
cisely why men with outsize organs arc in
nced of aid and sympathy? The LPSG
home page declares, "For all the advan-
tages of having a large penis, it tends to
make playing sports rather difficult. Rig-
orous physical activity involving running
or other rapid movement of the lower
extremities often involves the slapping,
twisting, bending or wrapping of the pe-
nis about the groin and thigh arca." Oh,
just deal with it guys. We did. (It's called

duct tape.)

THE TIP SHEET

Mailbox baseball: A form of drive-by
vandalism in which joyriders trash road-
side mailboxes with Louisville Sluggers.
It's so popular in Connecticut that the
legislature may take action.

Counterfeit fin: According to Secret Mes-
sages by William Butler and L. Douglas

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SIGNIFICA, INSIGNI

QUOTE =
“Your body is not
a temple, it's an
amusement park.
Enjoy the ride.”
—ANTHONY BOUR-
DAIN, CHEF AND AU-
THOR OF KITCHEN
CONFIDENTIAL

BLOWING YOUR

OWN TRUMPET

The 1999 salary
of James Levine,
conductor for New
York City’s Metro-
politan Opera, the
highest salary re-
ceived by a US. or-

FICA, ST

FACT OF THE MONTH
Stanford University re
searchers have discovered
37 new strains of bacteria in
the human mouth, bringing

ATS AND FACTS

с / MASTER P-U
Due to incentive-

based clauses in the
contract that rap-
per Master P nego-
tiated with the New
Orleans Saints on
behalf of Ricky
Williams, amount
that Williams was
paid last season:
$350,000. Amount
earned over the
last two seasons by
Indianapolis Colt
Edgerrin James,
who, like Williams,
was a top-five draft
pick two years ago:

chestra conductor: ЕЕ 520 million.
SIS bon Occ Ш the mouth to more
million-dollar ba- ЩИ QUIET RIOT

ton twirlers include

Kurt Masur, New York Philharmonic:
$1.5 million. Michael Tilson Thom-
as, San Francisco Symphony: $1.3
million. Wolfgang Sawallisch, Phil-
adelphia Orchestra: $1.1 million.
Leonard Slatkin, National Symphony
Orchestra: $1.1 million. Christoph
Von Dohnányi, Cleveland Orchestra:
$1 million.

HIDDEN PROFITS

Estimated annual value of global
sales of camouflaged products: $2 bil-
lion. Percentage of camo pattern sales
and licensing deals controlled by the
two market leaders: 90. Number of
copyrighted camo patterns that gen-
erate the bulk of revenues for these
two market leaders; 3.

WORKOUT WOES

Of young men monitored in an Aus-
tralian medical study to determine
the effects of taking male hormones
to aid weightlifting, percentage
whose livers functioned abnormally
during tests: 62. Percentage who ex-
perienced changes in sexual appeti
61. Percentage who became moody:
48. Whose testicles shrank: 46. Who
started developing breasts: 29.

TAKING IT ON THE CHIN
The percentage increase in the
U.S. from 1998 to 1999 in nonsurgi-
cal, cosmetic laser surgery to remove
hair: 340. To smooth wrinkles: 216.
"fo stimulate collagen production: 29.

Average level of
noise in the international space sta-
tion, according to current tests: 70
decibels. Average level of noise expe-
rienced while sitting in a car in city
traffic: 85 dB. Sustained level needed
to cause hearing damage: 90 dB.

UN-EZ PASS
Most costly speeding ticket fine
awarded thus far under Finland's slid-
ing scale system, designed to adjust
the fine to the income level of the driv-
er: $71,400.

TEENIE BOPPERS

According to a study by the Urban
Institute of heterosexual boys aged
15 to 19, percentage who had en-
gaged in anal sex: 11. Broken down
by ethnicity, percentage of male black
and Hispanic teens who had engaged
in anal sex: 16. Percentage of young
white males who had had anal sex: 9.
Percentage of male teens (all ethnici-
ties) who had performed oral sex: 39.
Broken down by ethnicity, percent-
age of young black males who had
performed oral sex: 20. Percentage
of young white males who had given
oral sex: 42.

ARMS ACROSS AMERICA
Amount spent in 2000 on U.S.-
manufactured weaponry by Greece,
America's top customer: $2.4 billion.
By second-place Egypt: $1.6 b
lion. By third-place Israel
lion. Saudi Arabia: $754 million.

Keeney (Simon & Schuster), the engrav-
ers at the U.S. Mint who worked on the
redesigned $5 bill grafted Lincoln's head

onto the body of his secretary of war, Ed-
win Stanton. Thrifty recycling, or machi-
nations of the IHluminati?

Center-of-the-World.com: Interactive site
promoting the erotic Wayne Wang mov-
ie. Lets you get real close to porn star
and COTW stripper Alicia Klass.

Dried plums: The growers of the fruit
formerly known as prunes now have
FDA permission to market a new name
and take a step back from, according to a
spokesman, "a strong association with
laxation."

Zicam: A homeopathic zinc gel we
squirted in our noses all winter to avoid
colds; now it comes in an allergy-reliet
formula.

Tehan: Brazilian slang for desirable

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PLAYBOY

parts of the body. Used to be the ass;
now, partly due to the success of busty
Giselle Bundchen and a host of celebrity
siliconadas, it has moved north.

Axis clothing: Designer Rick Solomon
has published a useful primer called A
Man's Guide to Business Casual Clothing
(available at axisclothing.com).
ire Keim: Gorgeous French actress
starring in this month's The Girl. It's our
favorite kind of chick flick—a romance
between two women who can't keep
their clothes on

White Mexicans: According to British
actress Amanda Donohue, it's what
“Hollywood charmingly calls European
actors—because they pay us
less, and get away with it."

The Torques: A Six-
ties-era garage band
collective at Andover
that included George
W. Bush as a claqueur,
primarily as a scream-
er, planted in the au-
dience to incite the
crowd, raise a din and
rush the stage.

I Am Fearless Funky
and Five: a new com-
pilation from Tim
"Love" Lee's Tum-
my Touch label. The
CD of seductive, low-
key house and trip-
hop tracks comes with
a strip-tease board
game, Nudo, in its
booklet. Nice.

WE READ IT
FOR THE CENTERFOLD

Hardworking academics James Beg-
gan of the University of Louisville and
Scott Allison of the University of Rich-
mond have made some startling dis-
coveries. In a paper titled Playmate
Preferences, they argue that the text ac-
companying our Centerfolds offers a
useful "social infrastructure to help men
develop more broadly defined concep-
tualizations of masculinity.” Presumably
that means it makes us better people
Their conclusions follow from the find-
ing that although women prefer men
with both stercotypic masculine traits

BALLET RUSE

(strength, assertiveness) and stereotypic
feminine traits (desire to nurture, sensi-
tivity), men are urged to adopt only the
former. “This discrepancy produces
gender-based role strain for men caught
between the desires of women and the
demands of social convention." Boy, you
can say that again. The scholars then
assert—and have a whole bunch of
neatly typed pages to back it up—that
Playmates express a preference for men

who possess "stereotypic feminine at-
tributes.” To attract “women such as
PLAYBOY Playmates, the adoption of fem-
inine auributes can readily be justified
and help men experience less gender-
based role strain." It's true. We can't tell
you how often we adopt a lot more
than just attributes to ease, however tem-
porarily, our gender-based role strz
Especially on the weckend

BABE OF THE MONTH

Although she earns $10 million o
year for posing in haute couture,
28-year-old Eva Herzigova
says she is already planning on
early retirement. Herzigova won

а beauty contest in Progue at the
age of 16. And her 1992 Guess
ads got her tagged the "Marilyn
Monroe of the Nineties." She then
scored magazine covers, Sports Il-
lustrated layouts and those
"Hello, Boys" Won-

derbra billboards.

She acted op-

posite Gérard

Depardieu in

Guordion An-

gels ond

earned acco-

lades for last

year’s Just
for the Time
Being. For
now, the
recently
divorced
Eva plans
to stay in
the U.S

while fig-
uring out
her next са- ҡ

reer move. In
the meantime, she

enjoys riding her
Horley and making pot-
tery. “It’s very relaxing,” she
says. "It takes me to onoth-
er planet." We think she's
out of this world, too.

THIS PRODUCT
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IN THE EARLY Nineties, when Los Angeles
hip-hop was associated with gats and
ghetto tales, the Pharcyde represented a
smart, playful alternative. Their campy,
off-kilter delivery produced a couple of
albums and some brilliant singles. After
a lengthy hiatus and some personnel
changes, they're back with Plain Rap (De-
licious Vinyl), 11 sharply arranged and
sharply produced tracks.
seem as innovative these
sound of this disc is still state of the art.
"The producers have surrounded the
MCs with a smooth, funky, pristine am-
bience. The Pharcyde uses some motifs
of commercial hip-hop to support their
mordant worldview, as on Misery and
World, but they subvert the clichés even
as they bend them to their own purpos-
es. MCs Imani, Tre and Brown collabo-
rate with Black Thought of the Roots on
Network, while the two versions of Trust
that open and close the CD display a cool
versatility. Not as loopy as past Pharcyde
releases, this album underscores the
group's growth. —NELSON GEORGE

Pharcyde's
Plain Rap.

Call them alt-country, Americana or
neofolk, the new singer-songwriters are
waiting for someone to break out. With
Step Right Up (Lucky Dog), Charlie Robi-
son is meant to be that artist. Step Right
Up has the Dixie Chicks’ producer and a

rowed from John Prine and Steve Earle.
It also has a load of clichés and ends with
a lame sex joke. So fans will have to pros-
pectin the indie wilderness a while lon-
ger, looking for gems. Gretchen Peters (Val-
ley Entertainment) is the second album

by a veteran Nashville writer. Her yearn-
ing spirit, sweet voice, stinging pen and
great characters animates Eddie s First
Wife, Waiting for Amelia and Souvenirs.
Nobody had ever heard of Kevin Deal
until Kiss on the Breeze (Blind Nello). Deal
splits the difference between honky-tonk
and folk-rock on tracks
such as This Time, Smoke
and A Thousand Words.

Ani DiFranco could be
the standard-bearer of the
lyric-driven trend, but
she's too busy blowing up
the form, as on her new,
two-disc Revelling/Reckoning
(Righteous Babe). Revel-
ling uses funk licks, world
beats, bass grooves and the
occasional horn line to con-
struct quirky pop. Reckon-
ing gives Ani's army what
it wants—confessional
songs at slow tempos, so-
cial criticism and rhythm
used only to augment
song structure. DiFranco is

as ebullient, witty and

committed as e

—DAVE MARSH

TIN

Is it significant that Low
comes from Duluth, where it’s so cold
most of the year that you can't move

your fingers? Low's latest CD, Things We
Lost in the Fire (Kranky), takes some get-
ting used to, like the Velvet Under-
ground did the first time you heard
them. But when you get beyond "Dude,
this is slow,” you get to “Dude, this is
beauuful.” Fire has eerie melodies, sad
harmonies, a guitar strummed once
for every other band's eight times

and an occasional lonely cello.

This is rock and roll for contem-
plating your place in
the universe. It's also
good for napping and
existential despair.

—CHARLES M. YOUNG

In 2000, alt-rock he-
roes Pavement quit while
they were ahead, leav-
ing their feckless leader
10 pursue his muse. Ste-
phen Malkmus (Matador)
is bolstered by backup
musicians rather than stretched out of
shape by a band. The lyrics are direct,
too. My favorite is a three-verse autobi-
ography of a pirate. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

A complete album from anyone is à
rarity these days. Powderfinger has one
in Odyssey Number Five (Universal). Flev-
en songs and not a boring melody or
arrangement in the bunch. A hybrid
of Crowded House and Guns n' Roses,

Powderfinger knows how to rock out
and how to sing the right notes with the
right inflections. —oy

Grunge never died, it just went back
to being alternative. Nebula is from LA,
but it’s no surprise that its second re-

or"
erformance:

PETER FRAMPTON'S FAVORITE LIVE CDS

lease, Charged, is on Sub Pop, the Seattle
label that launched great grunge bands.
With squalling guitars, power chords
and wiseass attitude, Charged recalls the
13th Floor Elevators and the Stooges,
and reminds you of what you loved
about Seattle. And it still sounds unique
and exhilarating. —VIC GARBARINI

The Morells' self-titled release (Slew-
foot) is fresh and engaging. They dip in-
to rockabilly and roadhouse blues
an affectionate nod toward songwrite
Ronnie Self. The drinking shuf-

fle Hair of the Dog sets

the tone for originals
such as Mom's Got a Head-
ache and Don't Let Your
Baby Buy a Car, the best
honky-tonk advice since
Johnny Cash's Don't Take
Your Guns to Town. File this

CD under fun
— DAVE HOEKSTRA

Guitarist Ken Rockwood

and vocalist Danielle Bran-
caccio write intimate, sensual and wry
songs. Danielle's idols are Billie Holiday
and Joni Mitchell, and on Professor and
Maryann (Bar/None) she channels both
Billie's delicate highs and Joni's sensu-
ous depths. Rockwood's spare acoustic
guitar and rich harmonies frame Bran-
caccio's vocals so effectively that I never
once gave а moment's thought to Gilli-
gan or the Skipper. —v6

Feels good to say what you really think, huh? And just like you,
Tequiza's unique blend of Blue Agave Nectar, Mexican Tequila
and Lime flavor, is definitely for those who hold nothing back.

Speak your mind. Drink your beer.

Beer w/o Borders

CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN DEPARTMENT:
Puff Daddy's menswear line, Sean John,
made $100 million last year—that's
morc than his music did. We'll hum a
few bars to that.

REELING AND ROCKING: Ice Cube will
star in and produce All About the Ben-
jani . - Walter Latham, who pro-
duced The Original Kings of Comedy, is
working on two rap comedies, includ-
ing Pimp Pasty, about the rise, fall and
redemption of a manipulated and
untalented white rapper. . . . We've
heard Courtney Love is already cam-

paigning for a starring role in a film
about the life of Paula Yates. The two
met before Yates' death, and Love has
remarked on the uncanny things they
had in common. . . . Reba McEntire has
signed on to do a sitcom for the WB,
playing an overwhelmed wife.
NEWSBREAKS: When we saw the Bush
team throw ZZ Top up during inaugu-
ral weck, we had to get to the bottom
of it. So we sent Washington writer
Josh Green to check out thc Best Little
Ball in D.C. His report: President
Bush's inauguration was a long time
coming for more than just devoted
Republicans. "We were waiting in the
wings to play a surprise concert in
Austin on election night," said ZZ Top

Christgau

Dusty Hill, Frank Beard, Karen Hughes, Mark
McKinnon, Billy Gibbons, Don Evans, Кай Rove. bassist Dusty Hill pointed out,

Garbarini

guitarist Billy Gibbons. “So you could
say we've been waiting two-and-a-half
months for this gig." Gibbons esti-
mates it was the smallest show the
Texas rockers had played in two de-
cades. But having grown up down the
street from the Bush clan in Houston,
Gibbons and his bandmates happily
shook the chandeliers for 1000 of the
most powerful sharp-dressed men
(and women) in Washington. Those
familiar with Bush's musical taste say
they won't be surprised to hear ZZ
‘Top blaring from the White House
stereo. While governor, Bush
declared May 15, 1997 ZZ
Top Day and in return re-
ceived one of the band's fa-
bled key chains. This time,
Fender Squire Telecasters
were the gift of choice. Given
the historic occasion, the boys
felt it only right to honor the
new commander-in-chief by
updating the lyrics to one of
the band's best-known hits.
“Bush rhymes with Tush,”

“so that one was the obvious
choice." It also brought back memo-
ries of the previous administration each
time the band hit the reworked re-
frain, "Lord, take me downtown, I'm
just lookin’ for some Bush." . . . Rush is
back in the studio recording together
for the first time since 1996. . . . Roxy
Music will tour this summer for the
first time since 1983. No plans for a
CD yet, though Bryan Ferry has a solo
one in the works. . . . Taylor Dayne made
her Broadway debut in Tim Rice and
Elton John's Aida. . .. The two-CD IN-
XS anthology is due this month and
includes hits, rarities and B-sides. . . .
Lastly, in time for summer, Isaac Hayes’
sauces are in stores. Get ready to
barbecue. —BARBARA NELLIS

METER

George | Marsh | Young

Black Box Recorder|
The Facts of Life. E

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Pharcyde
Plain Rop

Charlie Robison
Step Right Up

ч jo jo |»

NIN [o ja

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8
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oj IS [o

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“Life is unfair/Kill
yourself or get over
it,” crooned pre-
cious-voiced Sarah
Nixey on Black Box
Recorder's 1998 de-
but, England Made
Me. That challenge
summed up the al-
bum’s dark irony. But
Nixey and composers Li ЖЕТТЕН
John Moore play a different game on The
Facts of Life (Jetset, 67 Vestry St, New
York, NY 10013). The first half of the al-
bum focuses on precoital sexual devel
opment, including first kisses and not
going “too fast.” The fulcrum is the tide
track, where Nixey plays a mother who
watches her two sons undergo the ago-
nies of teen experimentation—as much
a classic as Leader of the Pack and Jack and
Diane. That doesn’t mean you'll hear it
on the radio, but it proves that songwrit-
ing isn't dead. —RC

Fela was a musical giant whose blend
of American funk and West African
rhythms is legendary. Working out of La-
gos, Fela brought together James Brown
and John Coltrane to make long, sweaty
jams that ridiculed corrupt Nigerian pol-
iticians and brought hope to his country-
men. Expensive Shit/He Miss Road (MCA) by
Fela Ransome Kuti and Africa 70 com-
bines two mid-Seventies albums into one
incendiary CD. NG.

From 1965 to 1975, Muscle Shoals,
Alabama was a mecca of soul music
Three recent releases recall the glory
days. Eddie Hinton, a Bama songwrit-
er and ace studio guitarist, never got
the acclaim he deserved. The 19 Hinton
demos on Dear Y'All (Zane) reveal a raw
soulfulness. As author of Dark End of the
Street, Dan Penn knows how to write
(and sing) a great song. With Blue Nite
tounge (Dandy, danpenn.com), he re-
turns with his first studio release in five
years. Soulman Johr aylor did some
of his finest work in Muscle Shoals. tife-
time (Stax) is an impressive survey of a
formidable talent. —LEOPOLD FROFHLICH

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E el

NO STATIC AT ALL

The launch of the first satellite radio ser-
vices will make cruising in your car a lot
cooler this summer. Two competing com-

anies—XM Satellite Radio and Sirius
tellite Radio—have a total of five satel-
lites in orbit, ready to beam down 100
channels of CD-quality digital radio. For
$9.95 a month, listeners can tune in to
familiar music formats and multiple vari-
ations of rock, blues, jazz, pop, country
and other genres. Heavy.hitting media
companies will operate about 50 chan-
nels (including CNBC, BBC World Ser-
vice, Bloomberg and NPR), providing
national news, sports and talk. Each ser-
vice will also offer original programming
not typically found on the AM-FM dial,

including live House of Blues broad-
casts and content from such TV chan-
nels as A&E and Discovery. Although
Sirius’ service will be comm
XM Radio anticipates some of its
nels will have about six minutes of
national ads per hour (compared with
inute average on the standard
n). To tune in to satellite radio
broadcasts you'll need a three-band ra-
dio (AM-FM-satellite), currently offered
by Sony, Panasonic, Pioncer, Alpine and
others lor between $250 and $400. Most
automakers have agreed to include
three-bands as standard features in fu-
ture models, and may even offer the first
few months of satellite service bundled
into the purchase price. Interfacing with
digital portable components
isn't far behind.—suzz MCCLAIN

WORKING THROUGH |
WALLS

Nothing makes a portable
computer less portable
than an Internet connec-

tion. Until recently, mov- |
ing your laptop from
desk to couch required
an awfully long tele-
phone cord. Now, how-
ever, two wireless home-

networking technologies, Home RF and

ELE. enable computer users tà connect [5 AME

to the Net anywhere via radio frequen-
cies similar to those used by a cordless M
anaes OF THE MONTH
web up to 150 feet from a wall jack and is
currently used in products from Com-
paq, Motorola, IBM and others. Intel of-
fers Home RF connectivity in its Any-
Point product line. Users attach a small
USB device ($100) to a computer with a
broadband connection. That computer
then transmits the signal to other PCs
with the same AnyPoint apparatus, as
well as to laptops using Intel's PC-card
adapter ($130). Wi-Fi (wireless fidelity),
ог 802.11b, operates the same way but is
faster (11 Mbps compared with Home
RF's 1.6 Mbps), has a longer СЕИ АС walls won't help

range (300 feet) and can con- victims escape your rocket launch-
nect to the Net anywhere with er in THQ's Red Faction. Unlike
a Wi-Fi network. Some airports other 3D shooter games, Red Fac-
(such as San Jose and Houston) tion uses “real-time, arbitrary
already have areas that let you geometry modification,” In plain
open any laptop with a Wi- English that means nearly every-
Fi card and access the Inter- thing can be demolished. With the
net. The 3Com Home Wireless right weapon, players can blast
Gateway is one of the casier- through walls, rupture pipes and
to-use iterations of this stan- collapse the ceiling onto the
dard. The company offers both heads of unsuspecting victims.
the device that connects to the Why cause such mayhem? As a
outside line and the cards that disgruntled miner on Mars, you're
plug into desktop and laptop leading a revolt against the evil
computers. Prices start around Ultor Corporation by opening fire
$400, plus about $120 per com- with 15 unique weapons and a
puter. One caution: Wi-Fi systems may variety of armed vehicles. Avail-
conflict with 2.4 GHz cordless phone re- able for PlayStation 2 now and PC
ception, a problem Home RF avoids by later this year, | —MARC SALTZMAN
channel hopping. — TED FISHMAN

Before your next trip, slip a set of Si Technology's new portoble speakers into your car-
ry-on and enjoy home theater sound in your hotel room. The Si5 set ($90) includes o
battery-powered amplifier and two collapsible NXT flat-panel speakers. The CD jewel
case-size speakers are less than one inch thick and are designed іо clip tagether far
portability. The entire system weighs less than a pound. Once unfolded and connected,
the speakers use the amplifier's built-in chip ta simulate full ЗО surround sound. And
becouse the speakers project fram the front and the reor, the surround sound effect is

discernible in a full 360 without dead spots. The Si5 connects
to laptaps as well as ta virtually any DVD, CD or MP3 player
or other portable device through a standard line-out jack
and can use o DC power adapter to save battery life. Great

for entertaining on the road or for

just drowning out the guy in the

next room, | —JASON BUHRMESTER

By LEONARD MALTIN

The Road Home (Sony Pictures Classics) is
sweet but slight, a minor work by master
filmmaker Zhang Yimou, who is cele-
brated for such earlier pictures as Ju Dou
The joy here

and Raise the Red Lantern
is watching his latest
discovery, Zhang Zi-
yi (recently seen as
Jen in Crouching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon), in an
open yet beautiful-
ly controlled portray-
al of a simple teen-
age girl deeply smit-
ten by the handsome
schoolteacher
comes to her village
The film celebrates
Chinese tradition in
flashback stories about
son who returns
home from the city to
arrange a respectful
funeral for his father
Unfortunately, The
Road Home is as eas-
ily forgotten as it is
digested. VJ;

who

In The Center of the
World (Artisan), a nou-
veau riche computer nerd offers a wom-
an $10,000 to spend a weckend with him
in Las Vegas. He likes her looks when he
sees her putting up posters for her band;
when he learns she is also a stripper, he
finds her hard to resist. She accepts the
offer, with several conditions: She needs

COLLECTING MOVIE MAGIC |pursuites

her own room, will have no sex with him
and will perform only from 10 ем to
2 am. Things don't go as planned.
however. He hasa difficult time reconcil
ing the fantasy woman of the night with
the real-life woman he grows fond of in
her off-hours. She finds herself getting

to like him, which goes against her strip-
per's code of keeping men at a distance.
Director Wayne Wang, using a blueprint
script (co-written by Paul Auster), digital
video and two bold leading actors (Peter
Sarsgaard and Molly Parker), creates a
compelling look at two people caught in

vas told he could

His assemble

ind life-size replicas of

gain.

e man be

a sexual tug-of-war. These characters
resonate in our fantasy-driven society,
and their story is acted out with remark-
able candor. ¥¥¥

Director James Ivory, producer Ismail
Merchant and screen-
writer Ruth Prawer
Jhabvala have been
working together so
long that one can take
the team for grant-
ed. Their newest of-
fering, Henry James’
The Golden Bow! (Lions
Gate), is an important
reminder that their
gilt for illuminating
period drama is rare
indeed. Yes, the set-
lings and costumes
are exquisite, and
they serve the story
well, but it’s the emo-
tional content of the
piece that matters
most. An Italian
prince (Jeremy Nor-
tham) and an impov-
erished young Ameri
can (Uma Thurman)
are deeply in love,
but he must marry
for money, and so is affianced to Thur-
man's lifelong friend, an American
heiress (Kate Beckinsale) whose life has
been devoted to her widowed father
(Nick Nolte). Family friend Anjelica
Huston thinks it best for the naive
Beckinsale not to know that her future

| over the y

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husband once had a liaison with her clos-
est friend, and therein hangs the tale.
The performances are uniformly fine in
this roundelay of passion, deceit, retri-
bution and, ultimately, forgiveness. The
Golden Boul is richly satisfying adult
entertainment. ¥¥¥

Two of the best actors working in mov-
ies—John Turturro and Emily Watson—
co-star in The Luzhin Defence (Sony Pic-
tures Classics). In this intriguing sto-
ry based on the novel by Vladimir Na-
bokov, Turturro plays a Russian chess
master who travels to Italy in the Twen-
ties for a world championship. He's so
consumed by the game that he barely
notices anything going on around him—
until he meets Watson, who's vacation-
g with her mother at the same resort.
The attraction between the two unlikely
te but fraught with
problems. Mar-

leen Gorris,

the talented Dutch director of the Oscar-
winning Antonia's Line, has brought a
keen sensibility to this unusual story, but
perhaps most winning move was
casting brilliant actors in the leading
roles. ¥¥¥

In 1995 four Danish directors issued
the Dogme 95 manifesto, in which they
rejected gimmickry and advocated a
stripped-down approach to storytelling.
‘They said nothing about entertaining an
audience, and that problem plagues The
King Is Alive (Good Machine), directed by
Dogme co-founder Kristian Levring.
Such fine actors as Janet McTeer, Bruce
Davison and Jennifer Jason Leigh star in
a saga of disparate people stranded in
the African desert, forced to deal with
each other's peccadilloes and problems.
Inspired by King Lear, it plays more like
a hybrid of 2 Greek tragedy and an epi
sode of Survivor. If there is a point, it
was lost on me. ¥/2

SCENE STEALER

JUDITH GODRECHE. FIRST NOTICED BY
AMERICAN MOVIEGOERS IN: The Man in the Iron
Mask, with Leonardo DiCaprio, and the
French import Ridicule. SOON TO BE SEEN IN:
Quicksand, co-starring with Michael Caine
and Michael Keaton. HER EARLIEST AMBITIOI
“Since childhood my dream was to be in mo

ies, so I could dance with and ki:

Gene Kell

I've always been in love with American actors.

My favorite actors
THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRANCE

Stewart.”

е all American, like James

AND AMERICA, FROM AN ACTRESS’ POINT OF VIEW: “In
French cinema there are a lot of women stars,
much more than men.” THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN

FRANCE FOR A BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS WHO HAS
WRITTEN A NOVEL: “In France, you have to
stick to what you're doing. You can't be
an actress and a singer. You're put into a
little box and have to stay in that box. 1
think it's much easier in America. Jo-
die Foster is an actress, a producer and

a director. That's rare in France. I have
this pretty-girl model look and peo-

ple might not think I could write a
book.” WHO SHE HAS A PASSION FOR:
“Directors. Even my boyfriend is

BEY jealous when I'm meeting a direc-
tor.” WHO SHE'D LIKE TO WORK WITH:
“Ridley Scott, Francis Coppola,
Woody Allen, Spike Jonze.” WHY

SHE ENJOYED WORKING WITH MICHAEL
CAINE: “He's very funny. On the set he's
doing jokes. It's so nice. Even after 100
movies, he's really amazed by things and
he wants to create morc. He's an amazing
man and he has a wonderful wife." WHAT
THE ACTRESS AND HER TWO-TIME CO-STAR
GÉRARD DEPARDIEU HAVE IN COMMOI
have exactly the same way of t
in the cinema. We're not stars, we're not.
famous, we're just doing something that
we like." т.м.

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by leonard maltin

Blow (Reviewed 5/01) Johnny Depp
stars as the real-life guy who domi-
nated the American cocaine market
for ycars—but couldn't erase a self-
destructive streak. A tangible sense
of time and place, and good pertor-
mances can't make the central charac-
ter a compelling subject. a
The Center of the World (See review)
Wayne Wang directed this bold cham-
ber piece about a computer nerd who
hires a stripper to spend a weekend
with him in Las Vegas—with unex-
pected results. A daring and intro-
spective adult drama. УУУ
Enemy at the Gates (Listed only) Jude
Law, Joseph Fiennes, Ed Harris and
Rachel Weisz star in this fictional ver-
sion of a true story of rival snipers
during World War II. It starts out so
well; too bad it lapses into silly Holly-
woodisms by the end We
15 Minutes (4/01) Director John Herz-
feld takes aim at tabloid TV and loop-
holes in our criminal justice system in
this aggressive and entertaining film.
starring Robert De Niro and E
Burns.

Get Over It (Listed only) Kirsten Dunst
and Ben Foster star in this teen com-
edy inspired by Shakespeare's Mid-
summer Nights Dream—but the good-
natured film sputters off in too many
directions to score abull'seye. — YY
The Golden Bow! (See review) Nick
Nolte and Uma Thurman star in this
excellent Merchant-Ivory piece, based
on Henry James’ story of love, fate,
betrayal and forgiveness. yyy
The King Is Alive (Sce review) Janet
McTeer and Bruce Davison head а
strong cast in this story of disparate
people stranded in the desert—a
dreary hybrid of Greek tragedy and
an episode of Survivor, although its
roots are in King Lear. ууз
The Luzhin Defence (See review) John
Turturro is a self-absorbed chess mas-
ter, Emily Watson a sheltered but in-
dependent-minded woman who falls
in love with him yyy
One Night at McCool’s (5/01) Three men
(Mau Dillon, John Goodman and
Paul Reiser) see beautiful Liv Tyler in
their own way—but they're all done
in by this wily femme fatale. Уу
The Road Home (See review) Zhang Үі-
mou brings earnestness and craft to a
minor story about a man who returns
to his rural village, where we learn
how his mother and father met many
years before. мұ);

YY Worth a look
¥ Forget it

YYYY Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

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“I'm most fond of some of the older Holly-
wood films, like On the Waterfront,” says
Paul Verhoeven, director of such bombas-
tic Hollywood fare as Basic Instinct, Show-
girls, Starship Troopers and Hollow Man.
"For some time, | studied Elia Kazan. I'm
excited to get all my Hitchcock movies on
DVD, because I'm always looking at them.
1 like the ones he did in England, like The
Lady Vanishes and The 39 Steps. Now, |
want to see The Perfect Storm DVD and to
hear Wolfgang Petersen's commentary
track.“ — LAURENCE LERMAN

STEAL THIS COLUMN

It's nice to see heist movies making a
comeback. Guy Ritchie's Snaich (on vid-
eo this month) and Steven Soderbergh's
remake of the Rat Pack favorite Ocean's
Eleven, due later this year, continue a
fine tradition in which lovable antihe-
roes are driven to crime, only to learn
too late that crime doesnt pay. Usually.
The Way of the Gun (2000): Bottom feeders
Benicio Del Toro and Ryan Phillippe
want to ransom an unborn baby, so they
kidnap mother-to-be Juliette Lewis. Bad
idea: It leads to bullets and a ghastly
C-section birth in a Mexican outpost.
The Killing (1956): A gang of misfits is re-
cruited by man's man Sterling Hay р
to rob a racetrack of a cool $2 mil.
would have gone perfectly except for ike
greedy dame. Snappily directed b
ley Kubrick, with dialogue by Mr. Hard-
Boiled himself, Jim Thompson.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Borrels (1998):
Unlucky Nick Moran loses his father's
bar in a poker game but can buy it back
for $800,000. Happily, the next-door
neighbors are gangsters who have lots of
cash—and weapons.

Reservoir Dogs (1992): Alter a diamond
heist goes awry, the crooks repair to a
warehouse to lick their wounds and fig-
ure out which of them tipped the cops.
Quentin Tarantino's shockingly evil
recting debut.

Dead Heat on а ет Go-Round (1065);

LAX during the arrival of the Russian
premier. An excellent example of clock-
work cinema. Harrison Ford appears

44 briefly asa bellhop.

Killing Zoe (1994): Tarantino protégé Rog-
er Avary's bullet-strewn tale of an Amer-
ican safecracker (Eric Stoltz) who goes to
Paris to help drug-addled thugs rob a
bank. A night with bank teller Julie Del-
py inhibits the heist.

The Hot Rock (1972): Redford leads a gang
of hapless cat burglars in a chase for a
priceless gem. Very clever, very Seven-
ties, with a cool Quincy Jones score.
Thief (1981): Career safecracker James
Caan takes mentor Willie Nelson's ad-
vice to cash out and settle down with wife
Tuesday Weld. But Robert Prosky has
one last job for him. Michael Mann's
brilliant film debut. — BUZZ MCCLAIN

DISC ALERT

Cleopatra (Twentieth Century Fox), the
costly 1963 historical epic that famously
brought Fox to the brink of bankruptcy,
is out in a three-disc set. It launched
Elizabeth Taylor's post-MGM solo career
with a million-dollar paycheck (Holly-
wood's first for an actress) while pushing
the already notorious beauty into Rich-
ard Burton's arms and busting up her
brief marriage to Eddie Fisher. One disc
celebrates this history in a two-hour doc-
umentary, dubbed Cleopatra: The Film
That Changed Hollywood. The documen-
tary should be enjoyed before one con-
sumes the four-hour Sphinx-fest that is
Cleopatra. Doing so simultaneously low-
ers one’s cinematic expectations while
raising one’s awareness of the produc-
tion's troubled history. Mind you, Cleopa-
tra remains an ofien gloriously ex

Thirteen Days (inside the war room for the Cuban missile cri-
sis; Costner leads solid ensemble in underseen drama), Proof
of Life (when thugs kidnap Ryan's hubby, it's Gladiator to the
rescue; whiff of imminent cuckoldry adds suspense).

Everyone is cele-
brating Marilyn's
75th birthday. One
of her best films,
Some Like It Hot
(MGM), is out
in a special DVD
edition. Then
there's the
Marilyn Mon-
roe Diamond
Collection from
Fox, with Gen-
tlemen Prefer
Blondes, The
Seven Year Itch,

Business, How to

Marry a Millionaire

and Bus Stop. With

this boxed set (VHS

or DVD) is the excellent documentary
Marilyn Monroe: The Final Days, which
includes a 37-minute reconstruction of
Something's Got to Give, the film left unfin-
ished at her death. —JOHN REZEK

gant film, with Oscar-winning costumes,

sets, art direction and cinematography.
The new high-definition transfer and
THX mastering cast the film in its best
light ever. —GREGORY P FAGAN

PRODIGIES

Finding Forrester (reclusive English prof Sean Connery finds
rough jewel on Harlem hard-courl). Billy Elliot (gawky British
kid is so desperate to dance tha! he eventually does; inspir-
ing despite the formulaics).

АВТ HOUSE

Shadow of the Vampire (оп the weird set of the classic Nosfer-
atu, Dafoe sucks blood, Malkovich chews scenery), O Broth-
er, Where Art Thou? (three cons run in the Depression-era
South; Coen brothers soak The Odyssey in irony).

‘COMEDY

Miss Congeniality (schlumpy fed Sandra Bullock goes under-
cover as Miss New Jersey; sitcom-like, could have been sex-
ier), What Women Want (ad exec Mel Gibson suddenly can
read women's minds; mild fun, should have been darker)

ARTIST BIO

Quills (Geoffrey Rush is the Marquis de Sade, imprisoned for
pom yet playfully impertinent; sharply pointed), Before Night
Falls (director Julian Schnabel and actor Javier Bardem

breathe life into Cuban writer Reinaldo Arenas; dusky).

Lift here
to discover
Fahrenheit

Burdines

Fahrenheit

)

living online

By MARK FRAUENFELDER

WHAT’S IT WORTH?

My friend David wanted to replace his thrift-store dining
room chairs with “real” furniture. He came across six French
Victorian hardwood chairs at an antique store that were
a match for his table. But he had no idea if the $4500 ask-
ing price was anywhere near market value, When the dealer
wasn't looking, he snapped a digital photo, and paid $20 to
.com—an online fine art, antiques and с

ice—look at the chairs. In 48 hours, an "epp:
er" senta short report about the chairs, valuing them at $1200
(fair market) with a $2400 replacement value. Armed with the
information from the appraisal, David returned to the dealer

the price knocked
down to $2500
‘The last time that

I checked, he was
still mulling over
the deal.

* WebTrace

CRASH CALCULATOR

I'm flying to Denver next month, so
I went to amigoingdown.com and
filled out a form, entering the travel
date, airline and type of plane I'll be
taking. Seconds later, the site informed
me that the chances of crashing on the
trip are | in 58,004. I'll take those
odds. Amigoingdown.com emphasizes
that all passenger-jet travel is safe. “If
you took a flight every day, you'd trav-
el more than 1000 years on average be-
fore being involved in a fatal accident.”
A good thing to remember next time you hit turbulence.

Name
Submited by
Boob Seer it
Age:

Total Votes:

STOP THE PIXEL TAG SNOOP

You may think that reading your e-mail is a private activi
but thanks to an ugly software trick called a pixel tag, senders
can tell when you open certain messages. Sites like itrace
you.com let anyone send e-mail messages containing pixel
bugs to anyone else. When the recipient opens the message,
itraceyou.com e-mails a notice to the sender. Fortunately,
there’s an easy way to prevent pixel tags from invading your
set your e-mail program's preferences to “text only.”
press, for example—are
set by default to receive ve messages in HTML format. (HTML is
the same language used to display a web page's graphics, col-
өгей backgrounds and formatted text.) But you can switch off
the HTML option in the “preferences” or "options" section of
the program. That way, you keep the snoops at bay, plus pre-
vent your e-mail from getting clogged with graphics.

BOOB TUBE

‘The name, boobscan.com, says it all. Anonymous women
place their breasts on color scanners and upload the ima,
the site. Then users vate on their favorite pair. There are in-
structions provided on how to scan and submit images, and a
separate “hairy boobs" contest page for men (which 1 didn't
bother to check out—and neither should you).

EXPEDIA UPDATE

his past April, I wrote about my awful experience on Unit-
ed Airlines after using Expedia.com to book the flight tick-
ets. About a month after I e-mailed my complaints to both
of the companies, I received $450 in travel vouchers from
United and $75 in American Express gift certificates
from Expedia, along with their humble ad ns of
guilt. Apologies accepted

BINARY BARRICADE

Having a DSL or cable modem
service means you have high-speed
access to the Internet, but there
is a downside. Your computer be-
comes a tempting target for dark-
side hackers who can more easily
break in and steal your banking
records, credit card numbers and

passwords. If you've graduated from a dial-up connection,
you should get some kind of firewall protection. 1 have
Norton Personal Firewall, which protects my computer from
unauthorized access. It works in the background, warning me
if an intruder is trying to crawl down my DSL line. The soft-
ware also blocks potentially dangerous Java applets and Ac-
tiveX controls from wreaking havoc on my hard drive. Down-
load a copy for Windows ($50) or for Macintosh ($70) at
symantecstore.com.

QUICK HITS

A gallery of Pulitzer Prize photography: www.newseum.org/
pulitzer. Fool your friends, impress strangers. Participate in
the black market. Buy knockoff watches at greatreplicas.
com. Missed an episode of your favorite TV show? Read a
snarky synopsis at mightybigtv.com.

You can contact Marh Frauenfelder by e-mail at livingonline
@playboy.com.

SOK Ға

MOBBED UP

America loves gangster fiction, a fact not lost in Jimmy Bres-
lin's! Don't Want to Go to Jail (Little, Brown). The anecdotal nov-
el follows the parallel fates of a fading Mafia king-
pin and a law-abiding lad saddled with the same
moniker as his uncle, the Don of

Greenwich Village. Jail A E
has some grit but seems J

as frothy as a fairy tale
when compared with
James Ellroy's mesmer-
izing nightmare of gang-
dom's power and glory, The
Cold Six Thousand (Knopf).
Focusing on a Las Vegas
cop's decline through the
tumultuous Sixties, it lays
the assassinations of the

Kennedys and Martin Lu- = ER
ther King, Howard Hughes J A
buyout of Vegas, the Vietnam >

war drug trade and the elec-
tion of Richard Nixon at the
casino doorstep of a cabal of
crime lords, CIA creeps and the ever-vigilant J. Edgar Hoo-
ver. With riveting style and substance, The Cold Six Thousand
is Ellroy's biggest score. —DICK LOCHTE

AGNIFICENT
OBSESSIONS

The first rule of fight club is that yau never talk about fight
club. But now the secrets are out. Bob Mee's Bore Fists: The
History of Bare Knuckle Prize Fighting (Overlook) profiles the
strongest, meanest and drunkest bare-knuckle boxers in the
history of the sport, which began in early-1700s England
You think Mike Tyson is a badass? These boxers bit noses,
gouged eyes and kicked their fallen opponents with spiked
boots. Fights lasted an average of two and a half hours,
ending only when a boxer dropped (many times, dropped
dead). Crowds of up to 50,000 traveled miles to see these
bouts, cousing locol residents to wonder if the French were
invading. These pugilists
did not live out their glory
years like Rocky. Most ei-
ther died young from or-
gan damage, spent time
in jail for the deaths of

their opponents or took to
drink. In the late 18005,
gloves and stricter rules
were introduced, which
led to today's fighters
mockery of the original
art. A boxer and his mates
are the focus of Irvine
Welsh's latest novel, Glue
(Norton). But, as with

his best-known novel,
Trainspotting, wading
through Welsh’s diolect
con be o challenge. If
you're not up to it, wait for
the movie. —PATTY LAMBERTI

ном!

THE HISTORY OF BARE KNUCKLE
PRIZE FIGHTING

STRANGER IN PARADISE

Paul Theroux's Sir Vidia's Shadow was a bitter memoir about his
relationship with V.S. Naipaul, in which Theroux managed to
present unflattering portraits of both his onetime mentor
and himself. His latest book, Hotel Honolulu (Houghton
Mifflin), is about a middle-aged author of some notoriety
who tries to escape his past and start a new life. The name-
less narrator seeks refuge in a job managing the last small,
old hotel in Honolulu. The book is the former writer's
episodic retelling of the many stories that the hotel's guests
and staff have told him. Theroux is at the top
of his game capturing the unrequit-
ed desires of the visitors who
pass through the hotel's
lobby and drink in the Par-
adise Lost Lounge. He also
creates some memorable
characters. Hotel owner
Buddy Hamstra is “most
people's nightmare, a
reckless millionaire with
the values of a delinquent
and a barklike laugh."
Then there's the narrator's
wife, Sweetie, the product of
a top-secret assignation ar-
ranged years earlier by Buddy between
a prostitute and JFK. As his narrator discovers a route back
home to the writing life, Theroux also makes a most wel-
come comeback —PAUL ENGLEMAN

CAMERA READY:
| Decodes before Shoron Stone wielded on ice pick and un-
‘crossed her legs in Basic Instinct, femmes fotoles slinked
| “ocross movie screens leoving cigo-
| тене smoke and baffled men in their
| wokes. Offscreen, life wos even
dorker. The women chofed under a
` studio system that gove them little
power. They bottled jeolous peers
ond lost roles os they oged. Eddie
| Muller's Dark City Dames: The Wick-
| ed Women of Film Noir (Horper Col-
| lins) has more Hollywood scoop
| than a Liz Smith column. It’s a sym-
| pothetic ode to six women [Evelyn

“Keyes, Coleen Стоу, Ann Savoge, Jane Greer, Audrey Totter
"end Morie Windsor) who mode B-movie history and helped
—ALISON LUNDGREN

- pove film noir's shodowy streets.

MAN, OH MAN
Our own mon obout town sets the tone for
Man About Town (Sterling). Hef
mokes o sploshy oppearance in
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music, art, film ond boys’ toys
In this orch universe, Hef f
keeps heody compony with
the likes of Rosputin, Freud,
Clork Goble, Picasso, Elvis,
the Beotles, Arnold Schworz-
enegger ond Bubbo.
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By ASA BABER

MARK CHMURA, former Green Bay Packers
tight end, was found not guilty early this
year on charges of child enticement and
third-degree sexual assault of a young
woman in Wisconsin. I watched the en-
tire trial on Court TV and thought the
jury acquitted itself honorably and well.
When I read the sports columnists of my
hometown Chicago newspapers, howev-
er, J learned that Chmura was still taint-
cd with guilt despite the jury's decision
It appears that the sports pages—once
the last bastion of unabashed man-
hood—are now advocating the politi
ly correct approach to all things athletic.

"Chmura may not be guilty, but he's a
long way from innocent,” wrote one fe-
male columnist. “The odds were stacked
against his accuser. They are always
stacked against the accuser. The accuser
is always made out to be the bad per-
son.” A male sports columnist in the
same paper weighed in with similar re-
marks: “In truth, his name is dirt forev-
er... . A rat, some would call Chmura, if
not worse.”

OK, forget Chmura. Here are some
other politically correct sports colum
nists on the XFL. Under the headline
CHEERLEADERS CHEAPEN ENTIRE INDUSTRY,
a female columnist in another Chicago
newspaper writes of the XFL “exploiting
women” and says, “One more risqué
shot of the cheerleaders and it would
have put Baywatch to shame.” And a gen-
tleman writing for The New York Times
nant about the XFL in that
ical femspeak: "The level of

female objectification in a sports venture
that even pays lip service to being legiti-
mate is a cultural setback to American
women who have worked so hard to ele-
vate their athletic si

Having been scolded by my moral su-
periors after 1 checred the Chmura ver-
dict and chuckled in appreciation of the
XFL cheerleaders and their antics, it oc-
cursto me that we need yet another foot-
ball league in this country: the Politically
Correct Football League. Here are some
suggestions about rules and procedures
that should help that noble venture get
off the ground:

(1) Before all PCFL games, two play-
ers from each team will prepare their fa-
vorite recipes midfield (provincial French
cuisine, of course) and share them with
the crowd.

(2) All PCFL uniforms arc to be de-
signed by Donna Karan (Barbra Strei-
sand's preferred designer). No garish
colors or obscene names will be allowed
on the backs of the players’ jerseys. I
thermore, each game will have an origi-
nal color scheme and will be orchestrat-

50 ed by a feng shui expert.

POLITICALLY CORRECT
FOOTBALL

(3) PCFL locker rooms will be moni-
tored by Martha Stewart and her min-
ions over remote ТУ. Any player who is
messy or unruly will be banned from the
game. There will also be no belching,
farting or horseplay, and towel snapping
is out!

(4) Only male feminists may play in
the PCFL. The status of each player will
be determined by written exams admin-
istered by the National Organization for
Women. Once a decision is made, there
is no appeal.

(5) Before the national anthem is
played, / 4m Woman. will be sung a cap-
pella by each team. At the end of the
game, all participants will join hands and
sing Kumbaya.

(6) No profanity will be permitted by
any member of the PCFL. "Aw, shucks”
or "Goodness gi " will replace all
previous epithet rule holds even
for men who have broken a limb or been
kicked in the nu:

(7) All games will begin with a group
hug and a check-in (over an open mike,
the players talk about their livesand how
they are feeling that day; those players
who do not feel well or harbor unde-
fined anxiety are excused).

(8)1 g is by permission only. Asa
defender approaches the man with the
ball, he must ask if it is all right to tackle
him. If the offensive player says no and
claims he is not ready for such a violent
collision, the defender must simply run
alongside him until such permission is
granted.

(9) Permission is granted when the
man carrying the ball yells, “Sticks and
stones may break iny bones, but tackling
never hurts me."

(10) Most PCFL games will be high-
scoring because, contrary to popular be-
lief, a lot of football players do not like
being tackled and therefore will never
grant permission.

(11) There is no blocking in the PCFL.
Tight hand-holding is allowed, however,
as are tripping, scratching, clawing and
shrieking, In addition, the game can be
stopped at any time if one player wishes
to sue another for harassment or bad
conduct. The game may not continue
until the lawsuit has been settled. (Irue,
some games will last for years, but that is
the price of justice.)

(12) There are no female cheerleaders
in the PCFL. Male cheerleaders are 2
ceptable, as long as they look a lot
Ricky Martin and have all of the right
moves.

(13) Whenever a player is tired or con-
fused, he can call a time-out and talk it
over with everybody on the field and in
the stands. Consider a PCFL game to be
a glorified Oprah show. (Did 1 tell you she
owns this league and is its commissioner?)

(14) Every player will have his own
psychiatrist and can call for a consul-
tation at any time, even wi running
with the ball (all PCFL shrinks have to
pass a rigorous physical exam and sign a
personal liability waiver).

(15) Only male spectators have to pay
for tickets, food and parking. Women,
having been oppressed for so long (in-
duding time present), deserve a break
here, for God's sake.

(16) All referees, male and female, are
to be recruited from various university
gender studies programs. They have the
power to eject all rude or inconsiderate
players from the game (this includes
men who argue with any call or make ob-
scene gestures with their butts).

(17) Dick Butkus and Mike Ditka will
be permitted to broadcast PCFL games
only if they agree to undergo chemical
castration. (By the way, Dennis Miller
prequalifies.)

(18) Team names will reflect the quali-
ally correct people always
us already established in-
clude the Chicago Compromisers, the
Cheyenne Conflict Resolvers, the Falstaff
the San Francisco Steinems
пра Bay Trechugge

(19) No matter how vigorously some
men may claim they are feminists to the
core and will abide PCFL rules, no
long-haul truckers or former Marines
will be permitted to p in this league.
(If they want to date some of the male
cheerleaders, that’s another story. To
each his own, as they say.)

Sorry, Vince. It’s a new world now.

WHEN
YOUR COUNTRY IS FOUNDED BY
CONVICTS, FELONS AND THIEVES,
YOU LEARN NOT TO POUR A SUBSTANDARD BEER.

FOSTER'S: AUSTRALIAN FOR BEER: —

How CAN YOU MAKE TWO MONTHS’
SALARY LAST FOREVER?

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FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE? VISIT OUR WEB SITE AND DESIGN AN ENGAGEMENT RING SHE'LL LOVE.
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A DIAMOND IS FOREVER

Brave New Wines

Unless you've been asleep for the post 10 years, you know that winemakers in ports of the world other than France, Italy and Germany
are making greot strides. For example, Australio's Gronge Hermitage is consistently ronked shoulder to shoulder with the finest wines of
Bordeaux. And lately there hove been some wonderful, if more modest, wines coming out of Chile. For an overview of all this activity, con-
sult Julie Arkell's New World Wines: The Complete Guide (Seven Dials, distributed by Sterling). This lovishly produced book is short on text
ond long on photographs. She tockles Australia, New Zealond, South Americo, North Americo and South Africa (obove); While farfrom
scholarship, Arkell’s book provides o look ot the alternatives when the idea of putting up with the French is foo much to swallow.

Real-Life Come On, Baby,
Castles Light the Fire

Most guys liv Who better thon Weber to
apartments, not do the Big Book of Grilling?
multilevel lofts or ls the follow-up to the
million-dollor town- impressive Weber's Art of
houses Тһе се; the Grill, and, yes, there
premise of Apad- is more to be said about
ment, by Alon Fow- cooking over fire. Lots
ero lavish more, as Jamie Pur-
spiring book for the viance ond Sandra

city dweller in cll of McRae reveal on sub-

us, featuring pretty jects ronging from
pichures great оқы "erinodes о sauces

ond practical tips on 19 desserts. There oro

= also tips on moster-
such intriguing sub- nike arr end

jects os storage and | v Porto drink with
lighting. (Antique grilled food. Also
suitcoses like the helpful are the Big
ones at left are Book's many il-
great for storing lustrations and
out-of-season photogrophs.
clothes, and also Price: $22.95,
hint of foraway from Chronicle
ploces.) Sources ore Books (800-

in the appendix. 722-6657) or
Price: $27.50. in bookstores.

Clothesline: Mike Judge
and Stephen Root

Mike Judge (right), the creator of Fox TV's
King of the Hill, says he's having an iden-
tity crisis with clothes since turning 38 last
fall. “It's an age when you дап! want to
look like you're trying to look young." His
salution: jeans, either Levi's ar Diesel, and
surf shirts or T-shirts withaut a logo. "Mast
of my T-shirts ore Fruit of the Loom, but I
also buy Wilke-Rodriguez because they
don't have logos." Judge admits ta awn-
ing an Armani tux, which he says “cast more than what 1 made

in any given year in college. | also have a Huga Bass suit that

I've worn on Letterman, ta the Beavis and Butt-head premiere

and ta the Cannes Film Festival.” Ste-

phen Root (left), the voice af Neighbor

Bill and Mr. Strickland an Hill (he's al-

sa in O Brother, Where Art Thau?), says
clothes ore easy for him. "I like Italian

but I dan't like bright colors." An exam-

ple: black Ralph Lauren or Armani suits
teamed with shirts in variaus shades

of gray and white. “Black jeans and a

white T-shirt also wark far me—a very
Fifties laok.” His favarite item of clath- |
ing, however, is an old gray-ond-bur- |
gundy smoking jacket that he laves.

Т E
It's the Ritz
The Ritz-Carlton Hotel chain has just apened its first Ritz-
Carltan Club in Aspen, the town where breathing seems ta
cast maney. The club, situated at the base af the Aspen High-
lands ski area, consists af 73 furnished residences available to
awn an a ane twelfth-interest basis. You're guaranteed access
ta yaur twa- ar three-bedroom pad or your penthause at least
28 days per year. Memberships cost $160,000 ta $475,000
(plus an annual fee). The price includes such amenities as а
concierge, maid and room service and o private lounge.

Baseball videa games. EA Sports’ Triple Play Baseball (pictured
below) is the best. The latest edition includes facial scans of
major league stars, renderings of all 30 stadiums and gome
play so realistic you'll be ducking beanballs. Good luck going
up against Mariano Rivera. € Sperm danatian. Are you at the
top of the pop charts? Common among young single female
pals are secret lists of potential sperm donors, should the need
arise, that may contain your name. Sure, she admires your wit,
brains and pecs—but enough to carry your seed? You may find
you're a last-ditch choice or haven't made the cut at all, al-
pha boy. * Champagne. The bubbly is enjoying a renaissance.
No longer relegated to formal affairs, it’s the current libation
among supermodels and suits. The trend can be spotted in 5
cialty bors such as NYC's Flute (40 E. 20th) and on websites
offering information on the region and vintages that can be
ordered online. (The site www.gifts@1-800-4cham

pagne.com is excellent.) € Video snaoping.

Hidden cameras are becaming

harder to detect. A

company named

МСС has creat- ||

ed Plus Guard, a

personal protec-

tion device that

sniffs out transmit-

ters. Price: about

$45. Check theplus

guard.com for fur-

A race-car driver tells us that this maneuver for evasive ac-

tion used to be called a baotleg turn. If you're going to try it, с i

pick an empty parking lat with a slippery surface (dry pave- ther information.
54 ment will destroy your tires). Never attempt it on public roads.

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 168

DVD 1680
VIDEO PLAYER

Watch movies wherever
you go on our portable
DVD player with TFT
LCD screen.

FR1500XTM

SPORTS FRS

Our water-resistant
two-way radio ranges
up to two miles. Built-in
features include NOAA
with weather alert and
FM radio.

Our latest tri-mode
digital telephone
features a Web
browser and
user-changeable
color faceplates,

МРЗ WEB RECORDER/PLAYER
Portable MP3 lets you download
near-CD quality music from the
Web and take it anywhere.

“Audiovox?”

If you want a cell phone, just call 1-800-229-1235. For everything
else, call 1-800-290-6650. Or vi

www.audiovox.com.

— AUDIOVOX

Mine Playboy Advisor

f still haven't met that special someone.
Recently I contacted a dating service,
but it charges $1000 to set you up on
three dates. What questions should I ask
before | hand over my money?—B.T.,
Springfield, Ilinois

Hiring a dating service should be your
last move, not your first, Most people meet
partners through friends, so let it be known
that you're looking (one site, webwoo.com,
attempts to formalize the process). Dating
services charge premium rales because
they spend time getting to know you, most-
ly through personality tests and interviews.
The idea is that theyll pul you together with
numerous women who are compatible, and
eventually one match will have chemistry.
That's how personal ads work, as well, but
you control the process, and it's not nearly so
expensive. Print ads are notorious for at-
tracting liars, but online you can see photos,
search instantly by age, interests or geogra-
phy and get to know someone by e-mail be-
fore you meet. The downside is that online
chemistry doesn't always translate to real
life. Experiment with Kiss.com, Match.com
or Matchmaker.com, which in a recent New
week survey had the most members and one
of the highest ratios of women to men, Most
sites allow you to post a personal for free but
charge a monthly fee to reply to others, You'll
find more specific advice about using online
dating services on page 23. The Newsweek
report prompted one of its readers to offer
this real-world strategy for meeting women:
"Become a shoe salesman at one of the fanci-
er department stores. You ll meets lots of nice
ladies and be a provider of something for
which they have a true passion.”

How many sex positions are there? One
online list has more than 500. My girl-
friend and I would like to try one new
position every day, and I figure that
could keep us going until the summer of
2002. Then we could
Hartford, Connecticut

The figure comes from the Indian scholar
Yashodhara, who centuries ago wrote com-
mentary on the Kama Sutra. Пе calculated
that there are precisely 529 positions, but his
technique employs some creative accounting.
For example, here's his description of the
dhenuka, which translates as congress of the
cow: “In the same way can be carried out
the congress of a dog, the congress af a goat,
the congress of a deer, the forcible mounting
of an ass, the congress of a cat, the jump of
a tiger, the pressing of an elephant, the rub-
bing of a bear, the mounting of a horse. And
in all these cases the characteristics of these
difjerent animals should be manifested by
acting or producing sounds like them.” So, if
your partner barks one day and whinnies the
next, you've completed two pasitions—or you
need to move off the farm.

In March the Advisor answered a ques-
tion about how to avoid getting a ticket
once you've been pulled over. Your ad-
vice came too late for me. I received a
ticket in North Carolina for driving 15
mph over the limit. What would have
happened had 1 not mailed in the $111
fine?—T.C., Royal Oak, Michigan

If you ignore a ticket for a moving viola-
lion, it’s sent to a judge, who could revoke
your license and issue а bench warrant for
your arrest, making you a fugitive from traf-
fic justice. If you pay the fine, you're plead-
ing guilty. In either case, the Department of
Motor Vehicles notifies your home state un-
der a reciprocal agreement called the Driver
License Compact. If your state also is a mem-
ber of the Non-Resident Violator Compact,
it’s obligated to suspend your license until
the fine is paid. Here's the wrinkle: Michi-
gan (along with Georgia, Massachusetts

Tennessee and Wisconsin) isn't а member of

the DLC. It also doesn't belong to the NRVC,
joining Alaska, California, Montana, Ore-
gon and Wisconsin. That doesn't mean these
states ignore violations—they just may not
suspend your license. The bad news is that
ап effort is under way to craft a new a;
ment that will reach évery slate.

grer-

Vm a bodybuilder, age 23, who makes
ends meet as a personal trainer. My
two favorite clients are a drop-dead
gorgeous mother-and-daughter exo
dance duo. | train them together at thei
home. Both women are voluptuous and
muscular. They act more | ers. We
had always flirted, but for professional
reasons 1 never acted on it. One day 1
joked that it would be fun to shower to-
gether. To my amazement, they agreed.

ILLUSTRATION EY ISTVAN BANYAL

1 found myself pressed between mother
and daughter as they soaped my body.
They did things with their hands and
mouths that were beyond belief. After
the shower, they led me into the bed-
room, The daughter rode my cock while
her mother kissed my mouth, nipples
and stomach. Then I fucked the mother
doggy style, with the daughter hugging
me from behind. While this wasn't the
first time I'd been with two women, the
fact that they were mother and daughter
enhanced the eroticism. Now I'm dating
both. How common are mother-daugh-
ter threesomes?—C.A., Houston, Texas

They're common—as fantasies. The "exot-
ic dance duo" is a nice touch in yours.

Sometimes when I ejaculate, my semen
comes out either yellow or partly clear.
At other times it contains gelatinous
lumps. Should 1 be concerned?—C.B.,
Falls Church, Virginia

No. Semen may appear white, gray, yellow
or silver, and it can be watery or thick. It al-
so will vary from guy to guy and ejaculation
to ejaculation. 1] you haven't had sex in a
while, it may appear mare yellow than usual,
and certain medications also might change
its color. If it has brown or red streaks, that’s
blood. Typically it indicates that you broke a
vessel or have a minor infection. In rare cas-
es it points lo something more serious, such
as prostate cancer, but you don't need to be
concerned unless you see blood in every ejac-
ulation for wee eeks al a time, or if you feel
pain. The gelatin-like lumps you mentioned
тау be yl pias of protein and enzymes that
form naturally in the prostate gland. They
could indicate a mild infection, or simply
that you haven't ejaculated in a while.

Back in high school I was determined to
be the perfect boyfriend, but then my
heart was broken. I haven't cared about
anyone since. 1 thought women wanted
to be loved, but whenever І show inter-
est they run in the other direction. Now
I've met someone new, but I'm afraid ГЇЇ
be stuck with a line like, “You're a great
guy. 1 just don't know what I want.” How
can 1 make her want something more?—
Hoboken, New Jersey

You can't, and the idea that you have to be
a perfect boyfriend is foolish. You're flawed,
and sometimes selfish. That doesn't mean
you have to be an asshole. But too many men
are nice guys to the point that they bend like
saps. If a woman wanted that, she'd get
а dog. Ask this girl out. If she says no, or
wavers, or rejects you outright, move on. Ev-
ery woman wants to be loved—they just don't
all want to be loved by you. So what? The
larger problem is that you sound desperate,

апа women smell that like too much cologne, 4 57

PLAYBOY

relationship won't magically fix your life.
nor make you happy or confident. You have
to manage that on your own. When you don't
need them so much, women find you.

А new bar in town is offering a black and
tan made vith Guinness and Bass. Isn't a
black and tan made with Guinness and
Harp? I can't imagine Guinness would
incredibly Irish brew mixed up
with an English ale. What's your take?—
M.A, Tallahassee, Florida

Traditionally, a black and tan is a stout
mixed with ale, but there are variations,
depending on where you're drinking and
what's available. In the States, a black
and tan is typically made with Guinness and
Bass, while Guinness and Harp is consid-
ered a half-and-half, (Guinness exports both
Bass and Harp to North America, so it’s all
one happy family.) To create a black and tan
in which the Guinness floats on top—a car-
nival trick popular only in America—place
ass al an angle and rapidly fill it half-
way with ale. Hold a spoon (inquire at your
pub about one made especially for the task)
horizontally and facedown over the glass just
above the surface of the ale. Slowly pour the
stout over the cup of the spoon. That should
keep the beers separated.

Recently a woman wrote to say that she
felt it was cheating if her husband mas-
turbated when she was “willing” to have
with him. I'm sure there are many
wives who are willing to have sex—but
that's it. They don't initiate sex, and they
don't show much imagination once it
gets going. Being willing doesn’t cut it—
you have to want it, and participate.—
M.L., Santa ы California

You're right. But because this lack of en-
thusiasm is occurring within a relationship,
it's not just the wife's problem. If a woman
approaches sex as a duty, her husband will
be a happier guy if he finds out what's miss-
ing for her and attempts to correct it. Laura
Corn’s books 101 Nights of Great Sex and
52 Invitations to Great Sex are useful tools
1o change willing to wanton.

Hike to perform cunnilingus on my girl-
friend. There is one small problem. Ev-
ery time 1 start to touch her or go dow
"Ooh, my ticklish cli
and I have to stop. How common is tick-
lish clit and how can I work around it?—
P.B., Oxford, Ohio

Do just that—work around it. Many wom-
en don't enjoy stimulation of the clitoris un-
til they're thoroughly aroused, but you can
play with it indirectly. Caress, spread and
hiss her labia, finger her anus, massage her
mons. The wetter she becomes, the less you'll
hear about the tickle.

In March the Advisor responded to a
reader who wanted to find the world's
warmest thermal underwear. As a moun-
taincer and ice climber, I must disagree
with the advice you gave. Any garment

containing cotton could be your bu
al suit. Cotton absorbs moisture, forcing
your body to warm the water, which
could lead to hypothermia. Lycra is only
slightly better. Your base layer is only as
good as your midlayer and shell. Most
mountaineers choose products like Mar-
mot's DriClime or Patagonia's Capilene,
a polyester fabric with a wicking weave.
Patagonia's Regulator series also is good,
and the Mountain Hardwear Gore Tran-
sition base layer is supposed to be the
warmest around (ultralight, too). Trust
the men and women who have climbed
the highest mountains in the world for
opinions about warm clothes —K.B.,
Grand Junction, Colorado

We trust them completely.

My husband of eight years is a great guy
but a lousy lay. He's shy, awkward and
embarrassed in bed. Six months ago I
spent hours on my computer making
him a coupon book of fayors and fan-
tasies for him to leave on my pillow. 1
thought it would spice up our sex life
and take the edge off his shyness. But he
hasn't used a single coupon. Is this nor-
mal? People say I'm pretty, and past boy-
friends said I was exciting in bed. Yet
this man has dust on his penis. 1 know
he's not gay, but I need help. Would the
average guy show no interest in 30 pages
of sexual offers?—PR., Dallas, Texas

The average guy wonld counterfeit those
coupons so he'd always have extras. We can't
explain your husband's lack of interest, and
we don't know many men who are shy and
embarrassed in bed with their wives afler
eight years of marriage. It makes us wonder
how you know he's not gay. Ask him what's
going on, and explain that the coupons—
and the marriage—may have an expiration
date wiless he takes action.

lam a retired Marine Corps officer now
on my second career. An attractive co-
worker has made it clear that she would
like to have an aff h me. If I were
single, Га take her out in a second. But
I've never cheated on my wife, and I'm
not about to start after 25 years of mar-
riage. This woman and her husband
have become friends of my wife's as well.
The four of us so: e frequently, I
want to keep her and her husband as
friends. I told her this, but she acted like
she hadn't heard me. She just said, “So,
when are you going to fuck me? It's
evitable that we'll end up in bed, so why
prolong the agony?” I asked my father
for advice and he told me to treat her as
a professional colleague and stop social-
izing. But I don't want to piss her off, ei-
ther. Hell hath no fury... What do you
think?—J.C., Tampa, Florida

Father knaws best. You've acknowledged
to this woman that you find her attractive,
giving her hope that she can talk you into a
fling. She isn't showing much respect for you
or your wife, who is allegedly her friend. It's

time to play hardball. Cut her off socially
(her husband has to go, too). If you don't,
she'll eventually become irritated with your
resolve and may play dirty. Classic move:
She informs your wife that you've slept to-
gether: your wife gets upset; she then tells
you thal since your wife now thinks you've
slept together, you might as well go for it. Af-
ter all, your wife will feel the same if it actu
ally happens, or if she just believes it did. We
think you have to tell your wife the truth
Sometimes it’s a tough cross to bear, being so
desirable to women,

l asked my girlfriend how many men
she’s slept with. Her answer was “fewer
than 30.” Am I wrong for wanting a pre-
cise number?—S.R., San Antonio, Texas

Is there a cutoff? Twenty-eight lovers and
she's a Madonna; 29 and she's a whore? Gel
over it, The number of men in her past isn't
as important as the number in her present—
or future. If she indicates that either of those
numbers is more than one, you're history, or
you're about to be.

М, vite stays at home with our three
young children while I work 50 hours
a weck to pay the bills. 1 don't want to
sound like a caveman, but I think stay-
at-home wives have less trouble thes:
days. Microwaves and dishwashers make
it much easier to do housework, while
VCRs keep the children occupied (two
of our kids go to school part-time). My

ifc is tanned and in shape, and I am
glad h tyle allows her to keep her-
self hot. | have trouble finding more
than one or two days a week for a work-
out. She gets angry when I complain
about not having clean laundry or the
house not being picked up. My chores
consist of lawn work and special projects.
1 feel I spend more time handling re-
sponsibilities than she does, and I usu-
ally take the two older kids when I get
home. | don't want my wife to work, I
just want her to run the house a little
beter Am I the only one who feels this
way? Do I have a legitimate gripe?—
S.R., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

If your wife looks that great after three
kids. and she's not complaining, we wouldn'l
gel too worked up about the laundry. Save
that energy for the bedroom.

Al reasonable questious—]rom fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dal-
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be
personally answered if the writer includes a
, stamped envelope. The most
pertinent questions will be pre-
sented in these pages cach month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or
send e-mail by visiting playlayadvisar.com
The Advisor's latest collection of sex tricks.
365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life, is avail-
able in stores or by phoning 800-425-9494.

Meet Martell

Her face has been
on billboards, in
magazine spreads and on
national and international TV.
She oozes sensuality and
style and she radiates the
beauty and allure that every
woman aspires to and has a
presence that turns men's
heads. Who is she? She is
Martell—the new face of that
icon of French sophistication.
Martell Cognac and Playboy
magazine were lucky enough
to catch up with her to

uncover a few surprises.

When

back from this shoot, hed com-
What

our photographer. came
pletely lost his composure.
did you do to him?

1 didn't do anything really, 1 was just
being me. 1 love photoshoots and. the
camera loves me most of the time too. 1
Just showed him what I could do and how
Tcould pose when I really put my mind to
il. guess he wasn't used to a woman

being as seusually confident as Гат

Wow, tell us about yourself then?
What do you want to know? Fm com-
fortable with myself and the way I look
and I want lo be known for my personal
qualities rather than just the way 1 look
Thate men who can't see past my looks,

What else would turn you off a
man then?

One-dimensional men with no inner
depth or personality. Men that see me
and think just one thing. To me, that’s

the worst type of man ever!

I you could read men's minds, what
is the one thing you'd like to know?

1 would like to know what they are
thinking. Vd like to know their views

on love and romance. How deep their

feelings go and how deep they go.

Would you de

deep person then?

ibe yourself as а

It depends on my mood. Sometimes 1
can be very deep, other times all I am
worried about is what I'm going lo wear

and who is going to be there.

What are your favorite types of
clothes then?

1 love all sorts of different types of
clothes, especially sheer but 1 also love
to be naked.

Enjoy cur quality responsibly, Coovright 2001 Seagram Americas. New York. NY

Moret Cognac. 40% Alcohol by Volume |80 prol]

Tell us more.
Being naked is such a sensual feeling,
and there's no better way to be naked than

under some clean white colton sheets.

You prefer cotton to satin sheets then?

What a question. What do you think?
Em not planning to tell you all my

secrets, yon know.

Is there a secret that you would like
to tell us?

Nol really apart from 1 do lead a dou-
ble life. The one part of me is what you
see now modeling with high heels and
lovely clothes and lingerie. The other is
the adventurous and daring part of
me, living life to the fullest and seeking

new experiences

What type of adventures and new

experiences do you like the most?

Now that really would be telling.
wouldn't il? If any of you meet me in

person, all 1 can say is watch өші!

Is there anything you wouldn't do?

1 like challenges and new experiences
зо Га probably have to say, never say
never You just dont know what's

around the corner.

What do you do to give yourself
a treat?

Indulge in the little pleasures of life
that could be a game of chess with
а friend or Martell
Cosmopolitan at а party —lots of things

enjoying a

give me pleasure!

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major Cognac houses, is part of the
Seagram Spirits And Wine Group. The
Martell Cognac range includes Моге!
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Supreme, Exta, Classique, СОг and
Creation de J & F Martell

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THE PLAYBOY FORUM

READ ALL ABOUT IT

UIST

“what women’s magazines know ош sex '

су SENS CX

n 1957 a fledgling PLAYBOY pub-
lished an article called The Pious
Pornographers. We had noticed an
odd double standard when it came
to sex. Women's magazines wrote in-
cessantly, if obliquely, about sex with-
out causing public outcry. But let a
men’s magazine tackle the subject,
and critics would claim we were ob-
sessed with sex. Over the years, the
standard has relaxed. Walk past any
newsstand in America and you'll find
magazine cover lines that tempt the
reader
with vi-

sions of wet, wild
ecstasy. Both men's and
women's magazines treat sex advice
as something to be hung on the re-
frigerator door. “Rock Star Sex” en-
courages one: “More Power! More
Rhythm! More Squealing!" Honey
promoted its “Crazy, Sexy, Single Is-
sue.” Redbook bannered “Sex: Five
Steamy Moves to Try Tonight.” This
past January we sampled a month's
worth of women's magazines to find
out how the opposite sex got to be
that way.

You've Got to Be Kidding: We're
all for uninhibited, imaginative sex.
We're longtime advocates of the pow-
er of talking dirty. Mademoiselle teased
readers with the cover line “Funny
Foreplay: How to Make Him Laugh
His Pants Off." The article, titled "Sil-
ly Sex." read like a missing episode of
Monty Python. Included were tips on
bathtub mud wrestling, nude house-
cleaning, perverted puppet sex and
using Teletubbies songs for mood
music. Sample: To bring some comic
relief into your bedroom, “suggest
that he gently twist your nipples to

PEISTE IUIUS EN

JE CEN ACH ZEN COLL ТРА

‘change channels.’ When he stops,
make announcements like, ‘Welcome
to C-Span!" or “provide running
commentary in a startlingly realistic
Howard Cosell voice. ‘And he's touch-
ing her thigh, ladies and gentlemen.
He's in the end zone!"

The What Good Is This? Award:
Elle's cover advised readers to "Nev-
er Say Never,” then asked, "Could
You Fall in Love With a Woman?" A
straight middle-aged woman study-
ing at a Buddhist

recounts her indecent thoughts about
her instructor, who is conveniently
bisexual. “I discovered that sex be-
tween women who love each other—
even straight women—may be unfa-
miliar, but it's natural. As natural as
first sex between young men and
women." Can we at least watch? How
about sex between two women who
love each other and also the guy next
door? We don't know the size of the
Buddhist bisexual demographic, but
Elle clearly has it nailed.

Let Me Get This Straight: You
What? Glamour was as direct as the
Old Testament: “60 Sins You and He
Should Commit by Feb. 14: Nudge
Nudge, Wink Wink.” Nudge nudge,
wink wink? Three of the 60 sins in-
volve going without underwear, one
involves wearing his underwear.
Cheerleaders for decadence, the edi-
tors pulled out the stops: “Why not
sleep with more than one guy in 24
hours if you really like them both?"

LAE 1274 т
By JOHN D. THOMAS |

ТЕС 1

ҚАРАҚ?
HITEN

Go shopping for sex toys. Go shop-
ping for stiletto heels. “Have your
bikini line waxed into a pretty heart
shape, then wax it bald as a cue ball a
week later.” Then there are numbers
47 and 48: Break into an ex-lover's
voice mail (no mere male is cunning
enough to remember to change his
password after you've broken up) and
"listen to—and erase!—all the syrupy,
sappy messages he’s saved from his
current girlfriend. Or break into
his e-mail and forward all incriminat-
ing messages to his

mother." You've trusted a woman
enough to give her your mother's
e-mail address, and look what thanks
you get.

The Most Honest Guy Award:
Who says men don't talk? Almost all
of these magazines run features in
which real guys rat on their brothers,
divulge state secrets and generally
provide good reasons why strong and
silent works. We especially liked the
men in Honey who prattled on about
their fear of false nails and their
yearning to borrow their girlfriend's
facial scrubs. Marie Claire teased read-
ers with "Men Confess: What Makes a
Woman crear in Bed.” Film produc-
er Mike admitted: “Three years ago, I
was in my apartment watching a porn
film with my girlfriend when I said,
"If you can duplicate the way she's go-
ing down on him, with that enthusi-
asm and energy, I'll be a happy man,’
and I was.” Now we're talking.

Most Off-Target Sex Ad:
mopolitan promised readers new ways
to "Boost Your Bedroom Bond" and
"intensify the intimacy between you
and your beau.” Barbara Keesling,

author of Getting Close, made this sug-
gestion: “During foreplay or sex.
place your hand or ear on his chest
and have him do the same. When you
hear his heart rate speed up, you'll
know that what you're doing is turn-
ing him on." Want more direct feed-
back? Put your hand on his penis.

What Part of Weird Don't You
Understand? Woman's Oun plastered
its cover with sexual come-ons, from
the article "Perkier Breasts Today:
A Must-Iry Trick" to "Men Look at
That? Eight Unsexy Things That Get
Men Hot (Who Knew?)." The
tease was a piece called "Sex: What
Men Expect now!” The mag called
in a sex therapist to react to 15 possi-
ble sexual requests. The list covered
mainstream expectations (oral sex
and anal sex) to touching displays of
curiosity ("he wants to watch me mas-
turbate," rated "not unreasonable
and actually quite smart"). Of the 15
requests, only the post-Madonna-on-
Letterman fave rave (“he wants us to
do the golden shower thing—pee on
each other in the tub") got a rating of
“mildly weird.” Yanking a woman's
tampon out with your teeth was dis-
missed as "plain unhygienic." What a
relief. Why are these male requests?
Surely, a lot of women have their own
wish lists.

Тһе magazines аге а feast of useful
information, yielding new erogenous
zones: Redbook extolled the Anterior
Fornix Erotic Zone, recently discov-
ered by a sexologist in Kuala Lum-
pur. (“It's simply a larger mass of tis-
sue across from the G spot, on the
opposite wall of the vagina. Think of
it as a sofa across from an overstuffed
chair.") OK.

The One Feature You Will Never
Find in a Men's Magazine: To a cer-
tain extent, all women's magazines
are about self-improvement, about
taking control of one's love life, em-
powering passion, etc. Perhaps it was
because it was the new year, but we
were surprised at the number of titles
that ran love and sex horoscopes. Cos-
mo titled its piece the “Bedside As-
trologer 2001.” You can go without
underwear or learn the secrets of the
perfect blow job, and still your fate
is in the hands of the planets? Next
time you're in line to get your driver's
license renewed, standing there with
all the other Pisces or Leos, try to
imagine that a single fact—the month
of your birth—applies equally to all.
No way. Can you imagine a men's
magazine running a horoscope? It's
May, and your Porsche is in the house
of Capricorn

told them to ask me anything they
wanted, anonymously, on little bits
of paper. They folded their ques-
tions like secret ballots and passed
them up to me at the podium. A hun-
dred little sex queries, from a hundred
undergraduates at Northwestern Uni-
versity near Chicago. 1 was their invit-
ed speaker for the evening, a sex ex-
pert who promised to answer all comers
without flinching or pandering.

Unfolding the first question, written
in a careful, girlish hand, I read it out
loud:

“I do not want to masturbate before
marriage because І want to be a virgin
for my husband. Do you think mastur-
bation is sex, too?”

This was not a question I expected
from someone who probably had to get
straight A's and upper-tier
SAT scores to attend the
equivalent of an Ivy League
school in the Midwest.

Still, I was careful with
my reply, addressing the
crowd as if it could be any
one of them who penned
the query. 1 explained that
masturbation is a normal
and enlightening part of
human sexuality—though
not necessarily one that will
break а woman's hymen, I
found myself quickly draw-
ing sketches of a clitoris and
a penis on the chalkboard,
to make some general com-
parisons between men's and
women's sexual responses.

The room was as hushed
as if I had opened a secret
crypt. I'd bet any of these
kids could ace a biology ex-
am before I could lift my
head off the desk, but they
knew little about human
sexual relations. I needed
more than one night with
them to answer questions like those
that awaited me in my pile of chads:

Why is it so wrong to be a tease?

Is sex before marriage OK?

If I were your boyfriend, and you
knew that I'd had a sexual thought
about another woman recently, would
you consider it cheating?

Is it possible for two people to each
get off from a 69?

Can you hurt yourself from oral sex?

I've been lecturing university stu-
dents for 15 years and have given my
anonymous sex surveys to dozens of
undergraduate audiences. Some things
never change: the questions about erot-
ic compatibility, technique and perfor-
mance; the search to discover a part-

one

“I think |
mastur-
bate too
much,"

year-old

Told m
How
much is
Too
much?

ner. Or, as one
male Northwest-
ern student put
“How are we
supposed to get
laid around
here?"

What's different on today's college
scene is that a significant number of
lads don't have the basic information
that was well known to their predeces-
sors. Fewer college-age students today
know the physiology of sex, and they
depend much morc on religious super-
stition and urban legend. They may
know all about Britney Spears’ belly
button, but they wouldn't know the me-
chanics of a female orgasm if it popped
out of their TV screens.

As savvy as they are about pop cul-
ture titillation, few of these
students appear to be
knowledgeable about mas-
turbation, their fantasy
lives or relations with a
partner. Subjects that used
to be standard in high
school health class—sexu-
ally transmitted diseases,
safe birth control options—
do not play a part in this
generation's secondary ed-
ucation. Welcome to the
first class of Abstinence On-
ly graduates.

‘The conservative groups
who successfully lobbied
for abstinence-oriented sex
education are delighted to
hear that young people are
delaying their first inter-
course. But is anyone glee-
ful to hear that college
juniors are no more pre-
pared to understand their
sexual bodies and appetites
than the average seventh
grader is?

Take a look at Sxetc.org, a
website run by Rutgers University that
fields teens' questions about sex. Many
of the questions show a fearful pre-
occupation with the "bad" things that
might happen to you if you are sexual,
as wcll as a lack of familiarity with the
simplest definitions:

Is it possible to get pregnant from
oral sex?

What is masturbation, and how do
you do it?

Can masturbation hurt a person in
any way?

What is an orgasm?

Can you get sexually transmitted dis-
eases from oral sex?

Can you get AIDS from a mosquito?

Many adults find this innocence

18-

sa
JOHNNY CAN T SCREW

college kids say the darndest things

surprising. In the mirror of the media,
її веет» as if young people are the ones
with the filthiest mouths and the flimsi-
est clothes. It's a curious feature of con-
temporary American culture that to
appear sexy is valued, while to actually
be sexual is а cause for anxiety. Young
people are sophisticated about erotic
appearances and status yet squeamish
about the workings of sex itself.

The consequences of this ignorance
have been the lament of public health
advocates, including those at the Alan
Guttmacher Institute. Its report
last year called “Oral Sex Among
Adolescents: Is It Sex or Is It Absti-
nence?" suggests that kids believe
oral sex is a way of not really "do-
ing it," a safe way to have sex with-
out the fear of STDs or pregnancy.

To a degree, the kids are right—
oral sex is a time-honored way to
avoid getting knocked up, and it
is a less risky sex act as far as AIDS
is concerned. The Guttmacher re-
port is concerned that young peo-
ple have such a threadbare idea of
the science and practices involved
in any kind of sexual risk that their
embrace of oral sex as a safety net
is a sad illusion.

The report downplays the fact
that when teens talk about oral sex,
it usually means girls giving boys
blow jobs. It would be remarkable
to think that young men were un-
dergoing a surge of interest in cun-
nilingus. In fact, most of the oral
sex reported in teenage affairs has
to do with the old-fashioned no-
tion of the girl “throwing her boy-
friend a bone” so he won't hassle
her for intercourse.

The young women on campus 1 talk
to who dispense oral sex as a require-
ment for their girlfriend status do not
seem erotically aroused by their effort.
They see it as an obligation and a noble
way to save their virginity. They may
mention AIDS as one reason for avoid-
ing intercourse, but the main reason is
that they believe that oral sex saves
their reputation and their cherry, for
Mr. Right and a big fat wedding-day
payoff.

“I am not a slut,” a sophomore
named Amber tells me as a preface to
discussing her sex history with me. Her
disclaimer is the number one concern I
encounter among women her age. Am-

ber has a boyfriend she thinks is im-
pressive, but he is bugging her to have
sex with him and she is afraid of what
he will say about her if she gives in. “I
have to think about the rest of my years
here,” she says.

When I ask, “Do you have any sex-
ual feeling for him when he touches
you?” she looks at me funny—and then
settles it with, “I don't know what
you're talking about.” Whatever she
does or doesn't feel, Amber, like many
of her peers, is more concerned with

her campus reputation than with any
sexual self-interest.

I wanted to lash out at the blasé blow
job queens: "When you start having or-
gasms, you might have a different view
of your sexual desires." But I kept qui-
et. It's not their fault they don't know
that sexual desire is something beyond
boyfriend bait.

Young men, unlike many of their fe-
male peers, know a lot about their own
orgasms and turn-ons, but they worry
that their feelings are excessive. This
isn't a new trend for young men, but is

By-SUSIE BRIGHT

it necessary? A little honesty
would go a long way.

Young men ask if their pe-
nis size or shape is normal,
if their fantasies are nor-
mal and if they need Viagra
as insurance. They have a
daunting notion of sexual success.

“I think I masturbate too much," an
18-year-old named Hal told me after
I concluded my formal discussion at
Northwestern.

I stopped packing my satchel to ask,
“How much is too much?" He hung his
head so far down I had to lean over to
hear his answer:

“Once a day.”

“That's all?" I said, trying to make
him smile. But his eyes darted so fran-
tically, I realized that this was no laugh-
ing mauer. “Hal, honestly, if you
told me you were beating off five
times a day, it would still be well
within the range of sexual activity
for someone your age.”

He lifted his head. “Well, I've
done that, too,” he said, finally
sounding more like a braggart
than a victim.

I have a question for the college
kids of today: What do their par-
ents have to say? Mom and Dad
must have come of age in the Sev-
enties, when books about women's
orgasms were on the New York
Times best-seller list, when birth
control was discussed in every
high school health class and when
sex before marriage was consid-
ered a damn good idea.

Why aren't these parents, who
benefited from the sexual infor-
mation available to them as teen-
agers, concerned about their off-
spring's sex education?

In the rush to protect our chil-
dren from AIDS, we've neglected
to realize that kittens become cats.
There's a lot more to sexual health
and maturity than fetis
ease and virginity. You can "dela:

have to actually learn what it is.
we agree that it should be done before
grad school?

We can't keep them in a dark box,
with no movement or light. Young peo-
ple need age-appropriate and candid
information about their sexual feelings
and about why their bodies look and
feel the way they do.

If we can teach kids to eat right, to
exercise, to not put money in their
mouths or beans up their noses, we can
teach them how to nourish and protect
their erotic selves as well. Let's stop
hiding the tools and the directions.

HANG 10
Here are my suggestions for
living that could be posted in
schools (“Hang 10," The Playboy
Forum, March): (1) Learn about
all religions and feel a human
bond through their similarities.
(2) You aren't better than any-
one else, but don't be worse. (3)
Understand the folly of human
thought. Jesus was a rebel who
even today would be crucified
by the church that exploits him
for an agenda that is too large
to be changed. (4) Be strong
in mind and spirit but patient
in voice and action. (5) Money
cannot be the goal of your en-
deavors. (6) Live passionately.
(7) Share your passion. (8) Do
not fear that which is foreign.
Going with what you know will
leave you knowing little and
going nowhere. (9) Love every
living thing. (10) Play God—
create something.
Byron Dafoe
Tempe, Arizona

Here are my 10: (1) What-
ever can go wrong, will (Mur-
phy's Law). (2) Murphy was an
optimist (O"Toole's Commen-
tary). (3) Ninety percent of ev-
erything is crap, but the other
10 percent is worth dying for
(Theodore Sturgeon). (4) He who has
the gold makes the rules. (5) Rub her
feet (Lazarus Long). (6) Never assume.
(7) Learn the magic words. (8) Worse
than a bad loser is a bad winner. (9)
Moderation in all things, including
moderation. (10) All generalities are
false, including this one.

Charles Gray
Redding, California

You only need one, and it's easy to
remember: Do to others the way you
want them to do to you.

Richard Frank
Fort Smith, Arkansas

1 would post the commandments
suggested by Bertrand Russell in his
autobiography: "(1) Do not feel abso-
lutely certain of anything. (2) Do not
think it worthwhile to produce belief
by concealing evidence, for the evi-
dence is sure to come to light. (3) Nev-
er try to discourage thinking, for you
are sure to succeed. (4) When you meet

ith kids. Whatever happened to people? Yoi
ом, the veterans of childhood. Those of и:

һо made it out. Don't we count anymore? Must)
everything be for and about the children, ош

ost precious resource is petroleum."
—Bill Maher, in his HBO special Be More C

with opposition, even if it is from your
family, endeavor to overcome it by ar-
gument and not by authority, for a vic-
tory dependent upon authority is un-
real and illusory. (5) Have no respect
for the authority of others, for there
are always contrary authorities to be
found. (6) Do not use power to sup-
press opinions you think pernicious,
for if you do, the opinions will suppress
you. (7) Do not fear to be eccentric in
opinion, for every opinion now accept-
ed was once eccentric. (8) Find more
pleasure in intelligent dissent than in
passive agreement, for if you value in-
telligence as you should, the former
implies a deeper agreement than the
latter. (9) Be scrupulously truthful,
even if the truth is inconvenient, for it
is more inconvenient when you try to
conceal it. (10) Do not feel envious of
the happiness of those who live in a
fool's paradise, for only a fool will think
that it is happiness.”

Saul Rosenthal

Terre Haute, Indiana

(1) Drugs do not get rid of
your problems; they only defer
them. (2) You haven't seen
enough yet to want to give up
on life. (3) Min-
gle with people
who look differ-
ent from you
and may even
have a different religion. (4)
Educate yourself. Gone are the
days when you could pay for a
three-car garage and a house
with a factory job. (5) Feel free
to masturbate if that's the best
thing you've got going. (6) If
your parents are not abusive,
don't blame them for not being
rich. (7) Think about what any
authority figure is telling you
before questioning him or her.
Thoughtless disrespect for the
sake of rebellion is pointless. (8)
If you can't afford your habits
onthe money you have, change
the habits or get a better job.
Ed Munir

Eagan, Minnesota

(1) Think hard before having
sex or using drugs. (2) When
you have sex, know how to use
acondom. (3) Never date some-
one a friend has had a relation-
ship with, unless you're sure
the relationship is over. (4) Ifa
friend’s partner makes a pass at you,
tell the friend right away. (5) When you
start driving a vehicle, follow the rules,
not your parents’ example
Todd Bone
Calverton, New York

By all means, let's post the 10 Com-
mandments. That way, teachers can
explain to first graders what adultery
means. They also could explain why
kids must still do homework and clean
their rooms on the Sabbath. And what
about the people who deliver the Sun-
day paper, or who work on weekends
at the gas company to keep us warm? It
may make children wonder if God in-
tended the 10 Commandments for ev-
eryone, or just those people who live in
semitropical climates. It's obvious, in
fact, that the 10 Commandments were
not intended for everybody, but rath-
er for affluent mature men with wives,
servants and chattel.

Paul Alter
Piusburgh, Pennsylvania

R E S

Of course they should post the 10
Commandments in public schools. Stu-
dents can read them while reloading.

Ralph Harding
Orange Park, Florida

LIAR, LIAR
Both “Snowjob” and “Wanted: Drug
Czar,” the Forum articles by James Bo-
vard in your March issue, demonstrate
that former drug czar Barry McCaffrey
pushed the mother of all snowjobs
when claiming his office was winning
the war against drugs. McCaffrey's face
ought to be on a wanted poster for pre-
varication in the first degree. His most
recent annual progress report outlined
the "accomplishments" of federal drug
policies. But the statistics tell a different
story. The death rate attributed to drugs
is now almost twice that of 1979. Hos-
pital emergency room drug episodes
have soared since 1988. The use of
drugs by eighth graders has skyrocket-
ed in the past decade. Past-month use
of marijuana and cocaine increased by
more than 250 percent from 1991 to
2000. The street prices of heroin and
cocaine are near historic lows, which
indicates that traffickers are finding it
easier to get drugs to the street. At the
same time, the purity of street hero-
in has increased 500 percent. The list
goes on
McCaffrey not only exaggerated his

success, he offered America a fraudu-
lent and dishonest strategy. His reign is
finally over. Good riddance.

Eric Sterling, President

Criminal Justice Policy Foundation

Washington, D.C.

MORE ON BREAST CANCER
I was surprised the Playboy Founda-
tion funded a video for men whose
partners have breast cancer (“Forum
FYI,” The Playboy Forum, March). I fear
men are getting shortchanged by the
media, which rarely discuss male breast
cancer. About 1400 men are diagnosed
with breast cancer each year, and 400
of those will die.
Garry Klouzal
Lynnwood, Washington

We would like to hear your point of view.
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 6061 1,
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312-
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone
number and your city and state or province.

BUPPE ND on RS

M Man PS E
SMURF SATOH

Шоп ег

Amid the self-serving propaganda at the website of the Office of
National Drug Control Policy, we stumbled across a document that
has some educational value. Street Terms: Drugs and the Drug Trade is
a lexicon of more than 2300 slang words and phrases designed to as-

t “law enforcement, public health and other criminal justice pro-
fessionals who work with the public.” You can download the list or
browse it alphabetically or by drug type or topic by visiting http:/
whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/streetterms.

Alice B. Toklas: М. апа brownie.
Halling Vaginally implanted cocaine.
Beam me up, Scottie: Grack dipped in PCP.
Blow a shot: Injection wasted in the skin.
Woman who performs oral sex for crack.
Bugged: Covered with sores from repeated use of nonsterile needles.
Cabbase поні A person who will experiment with any drug.
Chocolate ecstasy: Crack made brown with chocolate milk.
Closet ba: rack user who prefers anonymity.
Dinosaurs; Heroin users in their 40s or 50s.
Explorers club: Group of LSD users.
Fiend: Someone who smokes marijuana alone.
Fry stick: Marijuana cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid.
Honeymoon: Early stages of use before dependency develops.
Ice cream habit: Occasional use.
Interplanetary mission: To travel from one crackhouse to another.
Keester plant: Drugs hidden in the rectum.
Ma : A crack pipe made from a plastic rum bottle and a rubber spark
plug cover.
Moon ges: Inhalants.
Perp: Fake crack made from candle wax and baking soda.
Piggybacking: Simultaneous injection of two drugs.
Pimp your pipe: Renting out your crack pipe.
Ringer: Good hit of crack; hear bells.
Satch: Papers, letters, cards, clothing, etc., saturated with solutio:
smuggle drugs into prisons or hospitals.
Slab: Crack the size of a piece of chewing gum.
Smurf: Cigar dipped in embalming fluid.
Snotballs: Rubber cement that is rolled into balls and burned so that the
fumes can be inhaled.
Strawberry: Female who trades sex for crack.
Toucher: User of crack who wants affection.
ker: Crack user looking for drugs on the floor after a police raid
for-nine: Two $5 bags of crack for $9.

hen Boris Becker dropped
by a London restaurant in
1999, he had no idea his bill

would be so enormous: £2 million, or
nearly $3 million. That's the sum the
German tennis star paid to settle a pa-
ternity claim brought by a Russian Al-
gerian waitress named Angela Erma-
kowa, who claimed she had a single
sexual encounter that night with Becker.

‘The German newspaper Bild had a
field day with the story. It reported that
Becker insisted he and Ermakowa only
had oral sex, and that his lawyers sug-
gested the sometime model had insem-
inated herself. It even alleged that she
had pilfered Becker's semen as part of
a Russian mafia plot to blackmail him.

After DNA tests proved him to be the
father, the unseeded tennis star ac-
knowledged his paternity (the girl, now
a toddler, bears a striking resemblance
to her dad) and called for an end to the
wild speculation about how the preg-
nancy occurred. Legally, the how,
where and why of the child's con-
ception are irrelevant. Both British
and U.S. courts have made it clear
that regardless of the circum-
stances behind a man's becom-
ing a father, he has to support
the child.

Roe vs. Wade protects a woman's
right to choose whether she will
bear a child. After insemination, a
man has no similar protection of
his right to decide whether to be-
come a father. But at what moment
does he lose that right? Is ejacu-
lation the legal point of no return?
Does the fact that a woman lies to him
about her birth control, retrieves his
semen from a discarded condom, sex-
ually assaults him after he's fallen
unconscious or rapes him before he's
reached adulthood mitigate in any way
his financial responsibility?

The answer, absurdly, is no. At pres-
ent, no matter how a woman gets her
hand on his semen (short of using a
sperm bank, where the donors are
anonymous), a man has no chance of
avoiding the financial obligations of un-
expected progeny. It's an inequity in
the legal system that allows women not
only to "steal" semen but also to de-
mand money from unwilling fathers—
a way of finding a sperm donor who
also pays for the kid. Writing in the
Florida Law Review, a legal scholar not-
ed in 1995 that "a frequent fact pattern
in sex fraud cases is where one partner

possession is ten tenths
of the law
By SAM JEMIELITY

falsely claims to be infertile or to be us-
ing birth control. If a child is subse-
quently born, does the defrauded par-
ty have a cause of action? I have found
no cases holding for plaintiffs in these
circumstances."

Judges do not consider the actions of
the parents when determining sup-
port. Instead, they place what they per-
ceive to be the child's interests fore-
most. The benchmark case in this
regard has been L. Pamela P us. Frank S.,
a 1983 decision by the New York Court

of Appeals. In that case, the father ar-
gued that his partner “misrepresent-
ed to me that she was using contracep-
tion.” A lower court had determined
that because of the mother's conduct,
the father would be liable only in the
amount by which her means were in-
sufficient to meet the child's needs. But
the appeals court struck down that de-
cision, stating, "The mother's conduct
in no way limited his right to use con-
traception.” Further, the court stated:
“However unfairly respondent may
have been treated by petitioner's fail-
ure to allow him an equal voice in the
decision to conceive a child, such a
wrong does not rise to the level of a

"WHO OWNS YOUR SPERM?

constitutional violation.”

We would challenge the court's deci-
sion about what's unfair and what's an
injustice.

Lying to a man about using birth
control is only the most common situa-
tion where men get roped into father-
hood. Consider the British telecom ex-
ecutive whose sad tale was detailed in
London's Daily Mail. He met a woman
at a nightclub, had a fling and expect-
ed the relationship to end when she left
for an extended trip to Australia. In-
stead, she called to say she was preg-
nant with his child.

Having used protection throughout
the relationship, the executive felt he
had been a victim of bad luck. But the
woman admitted, first during an emo-
tional phone conversation and later in
a confessional letter, that she had taken
his semen from a discarded condom
while he was in the shower. Despite
this, a court ordered the new father to
pay support. He now finds himself
on the hook for what could amount
to £67,000 ($97,000) before the
child turns 16, not to mention

the £20,000 ($29,000) he spent
on legal fees.

After the court presented its
decision, the executive protest-
ed that "This ruling gives a li-
cense to women to use men in
any way they see fit.”

Emile Frisard, who chal-
lenged a support ruling in the
courts of Louisiana, claims to
have had nearly the same expe-
rience as the British executive. He
testified that the only sexual en-
counter he had with the woman who
bore his child, Debra Rojas—a nurse at
the hospital where Frisard’s mother
had been admitted—occurred when
she offered to give him oral sex, pro-
vided he wore a condom. "As any male
would, I did not refuse," Frisard said.
"I wish I would have refused." A friend
of Frisard's testified that he later saw a
woman who resembled Rojas engaging
in what looked like an attempt to in-
seminate herself in the bathroom of the
hospital room where Frisard's mother
was staying. In 1997 a Louisiana court
upheld the support ruling.

Frisard made a conscious choice to
have oral sex, and he paid for it. But
the courts in Alabama don't even re-
quire that a man be conscious, as in the
case of a man who was forced to pay
support even though he was passed out

drunk at the time of sexual inter-
course. The man collapsed in a bed ata
woman's house. He said he awoke the
following morning wearing only an un-
buttoned shirt, with the woman stand-
ing in the bedroom doorway “toweling
off.” A witness who had been at the
party testified that two months later,
the woman boasted that she had had
sex with the man while he was passed
out and that it had “saved her a trip to
the sperm bank.” Two other witnesses
offered similar testimony. A doctor tes-
tified that a man can achieve an erec-
tion and ejaculate even when inebriat-
ed to the point of unconsciousness.

When this happens to a woman, it's
considered rape. But in 1996 the Ala-
bama Court of Civil Appeals upheld
the ruling that the man should pay
support. It cited the 1983 New York
decision, as well as a case in which a 16-
year-old father had contested support
payments, claiming he had been the
victim of statutory rape at the hands of
the 21-year-old mother of his child
The court rejected his argument, stat-
ing: "The father's recourse under the
Jaw as to the mother of the child was to
file criminal charges. To penalize this
child for the mother's actions would
run contrary to the fundamental pur-
pose of this proceeding"—thar is, to
serve the best interests of the child (in
this case, the toddler, not the teen).

Albuquerque real estate agent Peter
Wallis attempted to make an end run
around the law in 1998 by suing his
former live-in girlfriend, Kellie Smith,
for breach of contract, fraud and “con-
version of property"—his semen. He
claimed she had lied about being on
the pill, and he asked for damages
equal to his support payments. Smith
insisted that she had been taking the
pill but that it failed. Regardless, she
argued in a legal filing, her ex had
“surrendered any right of possession to
his semen when he transferred it dur-
ing voluntary sexual intercourse."

A judge threw the case out. No sur-
prise. Until there is a law against mis-
appropriating sperm, men who take
reasonable precautions not to insemi-
nate or who trust their partners to be
honest about birth control, have no re-
course should a pregnancy occur. Once
you shoot, it's no longer your load.
When Wallis sued, Kellie Smith's law-
yers argued that a man's sperm should
be considered a "gif." When in doubt
about the intentions of a girlfriend or
girl at a bar, a guy might want to stick
with a dozen roses. Because, as any
number of men can attest, semen can
be the gift that keeps on taking.

AMERICAS FAVORITE ATHEIST

adalyn o'hair defined the word k

By Stephe

n Bates

N E W

S F К

O N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

SPEAKING IN CODE

PORTALES, NEW MEXICO—The state Su-
preme Court reprimanded a municipal
judge for allowing traffic cops to draw
smiling or frowning faces on citations.

The doodles, which appeared only on the
copy of the ticket given to the judge, were
meant to inform the court of the driver's
attitude during the stop. The justices ruled
that the codes amounied to illegal commu-
nication between the officer and judge.
Portales is not the first locality where the
police have doodled. In 1999, an academ-
tc journal reported that officers in an un-
named West Coast toum had been told to
stop writing FAT (failed attitude test) on
tickets. They instead began drawing circles
with dots in the middle, indicating a driv-
er who had been an asshole or, in police
lingo, LBP (lower-body part).

DOUBLE DU

HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT—A convict-
ed cocaine dealer is crying foul after state
officials hit him with a $768,000 tax bill.
Police arrested Vito Cavelli in 1992 after
finding a kilo of cocaine in a truck outside
his molorcycle shop. He served 18 months
in prison. Citing a state law that requires
dealers to place tax stamps on their illegal
drugs, state revenue officials demanded
that Covelli pay $200 tax on each of 1250
grams seized by police. They later added
a 100 percent nonpayment penalty, plus
$268,000 in interest. Covelli argues that
he has paid his debt to society and that the

bill violates his right not to be tried twice
for the same crime. The state counters that
the proceedings are a civil, not criminal,
matter.

BARABOO, WISCONSIN—When a moth-
er found out her 12-year-old son was hav-
ing sex, she did what she thought was best:
She gave him two dozen condoms and told
him to make sure they didn't break. (The
boy stored the condoms in his pencil box.)
Months later, after having intercourse
with his teenage girlfriend, the boy confid-
ed to a police officer that he feared he
might have an STD. He also told the of-
ficer that his mother knew he was sexu-
ally active. Under state law, children 12
or younger cannot consent to sex. That
prompted the county prosecutor to charge
the mother with failing to prevent the sexu-
al assault of a child, a felony punishable by
up to 15 years in prison. Ten days later, the
county dropped the charges.

SEX LES AND VIDEO

YORK, ENGLAND—The owner of an
adult-video store pleaded guilty to violat-
ing the Trading Standards Act when he
mislabeled B movies as hardcore porn. Fol-
lowing complaints from his customers, a
court fined Nicholas Griffin £5800, or
about $8600. He admitted he had sold
videos such as Confessions of a Sex Mani-
ac (a 1974 spoof about an architect who
designs a building shaped like breasts) and
The Secrets of a Sensuous Nurse (a 1976
Ursula Andress picture) for as much as
$75 each by labeling them as porn. “We
responded to complaints from the public,
both men and women,” said the chief of lo-
cal trading standards. "They were embar-
rassed and reluctant to come forward, but
they also felt cheated.”

== (EN кене

SAN FRANCISCO—Although inmates
don't have access to computers, should they
be allowed to receive e-mail? One website
thinks so. For a fee it allows prisoners to set
up e-mail addresses, then prints out and
sends by U.S. mail any messages they re-
ceive. Officials at Pelican Bay State Prison
banned the printouts, saying they posed an
unspecified security risk (an officer testi-
fied that printed e-mail somehow makes it
easier to disguise your identity than print-

ed letters), and also that they might over-
whelm its mailroom censors. An inmate
sued, arguing that the restriction violated
his right to free speech. An appeals court
ruled against him.

MINNEAPOLIS—State prison officials
have banned inmates from receiving sexu-
ally explicit material, including PLAYBOY.
A spokesperson said the policy is designed
to “reduce predatory behavior against oth-
er inmates and staff.” One prisoner pre-
dicted the opposite effect. In Wisconsin,
corrections officials reached a settlement
with a group of inmates who sued over
guidelines that banned all sexually explicit
material. The regulations now prohibit
only material that contains nudity. That
hasn't satisfied the ACLU. It notes that the
State has never provided evidence that
nude images create a “hostile work envi-
ronment” for female guards.

EA)

Tampa—As 72,000 fans filed into Ray-
mond James Stadium for Super Bowl
XXXV police recorded dozens of images of
each of their faces. The patented FaceTrac
system digitized the images and, measuring
128 characteristics such as nose width,
cheekbone angles, distance between the eyes
and thickness of lips, compared each image
with the photos in a database of criminals.

Although they made no arrests, police said
the faces of 19 people matched those of
crooks already on file. They called the face-
scanning exercise an “experiment.” The
technology already is used in about 70 ca-
sinos to identify known cheats.

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umo шк CHARLIE SHEEN

а candid conversation with hollywood's favorite reformed party animal about
hookers, drugs and rehab and the real stories behind all those tabloid scandals

In Мау 1998 Charlie Sheen—whose par-
ty-fillod lifestyle seemed to eclipse his work in
films such as Platoon, Wall Street, Major
League and Hot Shols—was home, alone
and bored with snorting and smoking co-
caine. No problem: Hed discovered an un-
used rig a junkie friend had left behind, and
had an idea. Sheen had never shot cocaine,
so he loaded up the syringe. emptied the con-
tents into his arm and waited. To his sur-
‚ he felt nothing. So he did it again. All
al once il hit him.

Sheen is still around to tell the harrowing
story because this wasn't just another self-de-
structive day. For once, he couldn't shake off
the night of excess and restart the cycle. He
ended up in the hospital, then in the tabloids
and finally in court-ordered rehab. That
happened in part because his father, actor
Martin Sheen. publicly asked Malibu mu-
nicipal court judge Lawrence Mira (who al-
so handled Robert Downey Jr's case) to ar-
rest his son and get him help before he went
aff the deep end. Martin's ace:
already on probation after pleading no con-

test in 1997 to allegedly assaulting his ex-

pris

Charlie was

girlfriend, and since doing drugs was cer-
tainly not part of the deal. the judge agreed.

Sheen had finally flamed out after years of
living the wild life, and all he had left was a
largely unremarkable career and a reputa-

“Rehab is a dumping ground, a big landfill.
Ws a motherfucker, especially if you've had
any kind of life where you've been the man.
Suddenly you're in a place where there's no
special treatment. You're equalized.”

tion as the last man standing when the party
was over. His appetites for drink, drugs and
sex—free or paid for—were extreme. In the
beginning (post-Platoon, 1986), the go-any-
where, try-anything lifestyle seemed like the
natural endowment of a hot, young. goad-
looking leading man in Hollywood. Even
when the hangovers got worse and the binges
lasted for days, Sheen's stamina kept him up-
right. He could back into a work mode,

and his abuses weren't as serious as some of

his peers’. In 1995. his career took a body
blow when he testified at the trial of Holly-
wood madam Heidi Fleiss and admitted to
dropping more than $50,000 for her em-
ployees' services. Then he survived the near
overdose.

Now, more than three years later, Sheen
says he is clean, sober, healthy and looking
ahead. Not only did he fulfill his part of
Judge Mira's bargain, he even got off proba-
tion early.

That doesn't mean Sheen has lost his rel-
ish for living on the edge. Is just that the
edge has changed. Instead of engaging in
actual debauchery, Sheen made Rated X, a
Showtime movie about adult-film entrepre-
neurs Jim and Artie Mitchell (Behind the
Green Door). Sheen played Artie: brother
Emilio Estevez directed and played Jim.

Then, after Michael J. Fox retired from

==?

“H was me and five girls, and 1 said, Tm up
for it if you are. И was a little uncomfort-
able, actually. 1 wouldn't recommend five at
once. There's just not enough guy fo go around.
Even with two, somebody's always jealous.”

Spin City last year, Sheen joined the cast as
Charlie Crawford, the new deputy mayor
with a checkered past. Sheen's reviews herve
been good and the show has improved in the
ratings, even though it airs Wednesday
nights opposite Martin Sheen as the presi-
dent on The West Wing and the Fox reality
show of the moment.

Sheen was born Carlos Irwin Este on
September 3, 1965, the third child of Martin
and Janet Sheen. He has two older brothers,
Emilio and Ramon, and a younger sister,
Renee. Because his dad insisted on taking
the family on location, Sheen grew up in
places that his classmates could only point to
on the map. The mast memorable trip was al-
most vight months in the Philippines during
the making of Apocalypse Now.

Stateside, Sheen attended Santa Monica
High with neighbors Sean and Chris Penn
and Rob and Chad Lowe. The group. fast
friends, also made numerous Super-8 home
movies, taking turns as writers, directors
cameramen, ete. Sheen says he was a normal
kid. but he had some problems. including ar-
rests Jor marijuana possession and credit
card forgery. He also used his dad's charge
card to pay a Las Vegas hooker for helping
him lose his virginity when he was 13.

Though Sheen appeared as an extra in
Apocalypse Now and hung aut with older

Y DAVIDROSE

“Fame is empowering. My mistake was that 1
thought 1 would instinctively know how to han-
dle it. Eventually, any plan 1 had about how
1 would deal with fame evaporated. because 1
took it a little far, I think. Just a tad.”

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brother Emilio and his Brat Pack friends
wishing he could live their high lives—he be-
came an actor because he admired his dad
and “to get my parents off my back" about fin-
ishing high school. He found a job immediate-
dy in 1984s Grizzly H: The Predator He was
also offered the lead role in the first Karate
Kid but had to pass because of a scheduling
conflict. Instead, he waited two years for box-
office magic with Platoon, and his face ended
up on the cover of Time magazine.

Contributing Editor David Rensin met with
Sheen on the set of Spin City and at the ac-
tor's LA condo, Rensin reports:

*In the past, a chance to interview Char-
lie Sheen was irresistible to the media. He
has always been an outrageous and depend-
able quote. Charlie never minded dissing
other actors or recounting a bacchanalian
adventure. But he also believed in telling it
like it is, or atleast as he saw it. Since Sheen
was often hopped-up during an interview,
the results were invariably compelling.

“Today, Charlie is more wary when it
comes to shooting off his mouth. That's why,
before I turned on the tape recorder, he want-
ed to get to know me. After an afternoon of
Spin City read-throughs, we met for a light
meal ata local Italian restaurant. He looked
at me with eyes scrunched up intently, trying
10 see if I was someone he'd feel comfortable
telling everything to.

“Before dinner was done, Charlie suggest-
ed I go to his house for the interview. We
spent a long night at his West Los Angeles
condo, where we shared a heavily sugared
General Foods International Coffee moment,
and then met in his studio lot dressing room
lo go over the intimate details of his rise and
fall and rise.

The first thing that Charlie did when I
lurned on the tape recorder was complain
about another magazine interview in which
he was quoted as saying he'd slept with 5000
women. ‘Not true,” he insisted, with a smile."

PLAYBOY: Did you really sleep with 5000
women?

SHEEN: [Smiles] Funny. Good start. OK, I
want to set the record straight. That in-
terviewer baited me, and I should have
seen itcoming. He said, “So, Wilt Cham-
berlain claims he slept with 20,000 wom-
en. Is that something close to what you
would assume for yourself?" I said, “No,
I'm not old enough. That's impossible.
Plus, I once broke it down for Wilt, and
during the time span he claimed, there
would have to have been a girl every 36
minutes." The interviewer said, “Well,
how many? Ten?" I said, "No." He said,
"Five?" I said, "I don't know. I honestly
have no idea. It’s speculative and bor-
ders on preposterous. Plus, | didn't
count.” He pushed, “Well, five2” Finally,
I said, “Fine. Fine. Five.” And he ran
with it.

PLAYBOY: We did the math, too. That
amounts to one a day for almost 14 years.
SHEEN: It's pretty far off for me [laughs].
Plus, 1 was in some long relationships
that would have made it impossible.

PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, like many things
in your career, the story seems bound
for showbiz folklore—as attested to by
this quote we read at Inside.com: “The
only buzz the new Spin City is geuing is
for the rock-star tour bus Charlie Sheen
has parked on the studio lot. And, given
the recent publicity about Sheen's love
life"—meaning the 5000 vomen—"we
don't even want to think about what
might be going on inside the bus."
SHEEN: Two things: One, I got rid of
the bus.

PLAYBOY: Why?

SHEEN: At first | tried to make it available
as a Spin City clubhouse, but it didn't
work where it was parked. Then I asked
myself, If Barry Bostwick or Heather
Locklear had one, would I be hanging
out in it? And I realized, No, that's their
private space. At the same time, I got
tired of feeling like a separatist or an elit
ist. I wanted to be in a dressing room
next to the other actors, in the mix right
there on the stage. It was too much of a
spectacle, so I just walked in one day and
said, “This thing's got to go." I still own
it. It'll be out on the road, being rented
by other people, to pay for itself.
PLAYBOY: That's one, what's two?

SHEEN: | heard recently in Jay Leno's
monolog that I call myself the Ma-
chine. I've never called myself the Ma-
chine. Itwas a nickname my friends gave
me in the old days because when they
were all ready either to go home or to
the ER, I was always the last guy stand-
ing, insisting that the party continue. Jay
said that with the number of hookers I
must have slept with, I should call myself
the Automated Teller Machine. [Smile:
That's kind of funny, and it’s nice to be
talked about, but still.

PLAYBOY: Do you want the media to drop
your past and get on with it?

SHEEN: I guess there's a part of me that
still embraces or revels in generating
some kind of media buzz or controversy.
Why? Because it's immediate attention
and it fuels that part of the fire. I don't
want my life to be beige and boring and
unquotable.

On the other hand, there have to be
more important things going on in the
world than my past. But 1 know that no
matter what 1 do from this point for-
ward—if the show's a hit, if 1 make mov-
ies that are hits, if 1 do great social work—
it’s always going to be "the former erst-
while embattled news fodder.” So I
understand why, when 1 slip a little with
something quotable, it's latched on to. IU's
because they can no longer write about
my bad behavior. I'm not creating any
wreckage or generating any headlines
PLAYBOY: That wasn't always the case.
How bummed out were you to be the
guy publicly fingered in the Heidi Fleiss
trial, while so many other Hollywood no-
tables remained nameless?

SHEEN: They went for the easiest target
But it's OK. I was one of the few guys

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who were single and young. If I took the
bullet, it would soften the attack on the
whole community.

PLAYBOY: Are you still paying for sex?
SHEEN: [Shakes his head] 1 shut that down
1 did it a couple times after I got sober
and it didn't feel like it was in keeping
with the kind of progress I'm making. It
felt like the old me. It felt cheap and stu-
pid. They had more fun than I did
PLAYBOY: Maybe they should have paid
you.

SHEEN: | didn't want to mention that
[smiles].

PLAYBOY: You once said that paying for
sex was really paying for them to leave
when you're done.
SHEEN: That's an old Cary Grant quote. I
borrowed it.

PLAYBOY: But you believed it.

SHEEN: To a degree, but also it was about
avoiding all that hassle I would encoun-
ter going out, hanging out, picking up.
taking home, transporting, blah blah blah
All the lies, the deceit. Promising to call
and not calling. That's old behavior.
PLAYBOY: What's the new behavior?
SHEEN: Believe it or not, I've always been
pretty old-fashioned. I'm kind of a mis-
sionary guy, from way back. I don't need
a leather diaper collection and a lot of
fantasies to get sexual. I think the more
props you need, the less you've got go-
ing on with your own sexualit

PLAYBOY: What changed your attitude?
SHEEN: In sobriety they teach you to
think the drink through. Don't just think
about having the drink and how good
it's going to feel. Think through to the
next morning. how it's going to influ-
ence you, the shame, how it's going to
trigger the domino effect. If 1 do that
I end up with, OK, I'm not going to
drink. Ir's the same thing with one-night
stands. Lappreciate my time in the morn-
ings so much that I'd rather go to bed at
night alone than deal with waking up,
creeping around the bedroom, being
quiet, worrying. Also, I'd like to be with
somebody I care about. Something mod-
erately substantial

PLAYBOY: Can you care about somebody?
SHEEN: Absolutely. Now that I've finally
gotten to know myself a little bit, I know
who I'm bringing to the relationship. Un-
til now Гуе never had the tools to apply in
a meaningful relationship. But I'm not
looking for it. Right now I'm kind of in
love with my job. [Pauses] 1 just don't
want to live like ] used to. And at some
point, probably after this interview. Fm
going to put a gag order on myself in
terms of talking about the past. Serious-
ly. I've got to slam the door and deal
with the present and the future.
PLAYBOY: As long as you do it after this
interview

SHEEN: I get it. If I were assigned to some-
body who had been through what I've
been through and it was my job to de-
liver a story, Га probably want to know
the interesting shit and not just how the

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read-through was on Spin City. But that
said, Fm talking about it now because I
think I have a duty as a recovering guy
to help, to make my knowledge of what 1
went through accessible.
PLAYBOY: Great. This isn't the first time
that you've said you're recovered. Why
should we believe you now, and why did
you slip up before?
SHEEN: If I wanted to party now, I'd
probably have to do it in the Himalayas,
or on Mir. Can you imagine me going
down to the corner bar and saying,
“Hey, give me a shot of vodka. Put
a coffee cup.” First of all, 1 don't want
to party now, and that's the difference.
But if I said, all right, I'm going to do
it, where would I
go? Publicy talking
about this stuff elim-
inates a lot of op-
tions. This is the on-
ly disease that wants
to keep you looking
good while you're
killing yourself. All 1
can do today is lead
by example and re-
member that I'm
powerless over how
people perceive me.
Back in those ||
days, I hadn't gone | T
far enough into it. " li
INN]

1 hadn't gotten on
the pipe, shot dope,
had legal hassles.
1 was still, in my |
mind, above the law,
a functional, socially
acceptable maniac.
I've always need-
ed lots of proof, and

thing but probably would have died be-
cause they don't have the constitution
I was cursed with. The most damage I
did was to myself and to the people who
got caught in the maelstrom. The worst
thing that happened was the overdose.
But, then, I didn't go in with three other
dudes who overdosed with me. No, you
overdose alone.

PLAYBOY: What about the gun incident in
which your then girlfriend, Kelly Pres-
ton, got shot?

SHEEN: That was a complete accident. I
wasn't even in the room. She picked up
a pair of my pants, to get them off the
bathroom scale so she could weigh her-
self one morning. A little revolver fell

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experience?
SHEEN: That, and just feeling my spirit
dying.

PLAYBOY: On the ER table?

SHEEN: No, just d.
wanting to be an active member of the
human race.

PLAYBOY: Were you suicidal?

SHEEN: No. But when friends asked me
what was going on, I'd use а line from
Star Wars. They'd ask, “Can we help?"
and I'd say, “Not unless you can alter
time, speed up the harvest or teleport
me off this rock.”

1 remember thinking and feeling and
believing that I was not able to stop, that
I genuinely was incapable of putting an
end to this. It wasn't
even that 1 didn't
know what to do
with myself if I
could stop. 1 didn't
take the thought
that far. It was, “My
God, I can't stop.
Now what?" Not,
“OK, if I stop"
That was a terribly
sad reality.

PLAYBOY: So what did
you do?

SHEEN: I thought, All
right, if I can't stop,
I'm going to take
this thing as far as I
| can. I wasn't going
| to dabble and mope
about. Let's get on a
horse and drive this
fucking circus com-
pletely out of town.
PLAYBOY: Meaning?

SHEEN: I decided to

after the past few

years I'm convinced |

of the insanity of my
disease and of the

insanity of second- |

guessing myself as
an addict.
PLAYBOY: You didn't

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turn up the yolume.
Let's stop sleeping,
let's stop eating and
just fucking party.
1 was smok
about a pound and
a half of cocaine a
month toward the

believe you were an

addict? Call your
SHEEN: 1 just didn't

believe I was like ev-

erybody else. I thought I was unique. I
didn't wake up in my neighbor's bed. I
never crashed my car into some inno-
cent person. I never fired my gun into
a crowded shopping mall. I didn’t get
pulled over on the fucking highway with
a gun and heroin. 1 didn't kick a cop and
hop a fence. I didn’t fucking take a gun
on an airplane. I didn't kill anybody. I
didn't molest any children. Heidi didn't
send little boys to my ranch. Sure, I did
a lot of things in excess. But if you look
at the core, the foundation of what I
pursued, who the fuck wouldn't? What
red-blooded young American male in
my position wouldn't? All the guys who

76 criticize it would have done the same

out of my back pocket, hit the bathroom
floor and went off. It shot a hole through
the toilet and she got hit in the leg with
shrapnel. I was downstairs, making cof-
fee and she came to the top of the stairs,
blood all over her, telling me to call 911

But she was fine. She got two stitches
and 1 had to get a new toilet.

But let me get back to why things are
different for me this time. There was just
so much more despair and hopelessness
for me at the end than there had been
the other times I supposedly got clean
and came out in public saying, "I'm
fine," but wasn't. This last go-around was
overwhelming.

PLAYBOY: Because of your near-death

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end. That's a lot
It was hard-core—
cleaner than crack
because you cook
it yourself—but so what?
PLAYBOY: That sounds suicidal to us.
SHEEN: Maybe subconsciously.
PLAYBOY: And it all ended up with you in
the Los Robles Hospital. What happened?
SHEEN: I got bored with smoking and
snorting. A buddy of mine who's kind of
a speed junkie had left a rig behind. It
was still in the package and unused, and
I thought I would shoot some cocaine.
I had never done it before and I was
all alone—a good time to shoot, right?
[Shakes head and laughs]
PLAYBOY: You loaded up the needle and
put it in your arm.
SHEEN: Oh yeah. Fired it straight home.
Just like I'd seen in Pulp Fiction, or in that

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movie with Gary Buscy and Dustin Hoff-
man, Straight Time. And nothing hap-
pened. I thought, This sucks—so 1 did
some more. Then it all hit me at once.
My legs went out. They disappeared. I
couldn't walk. I tried to get downstairs to
get some vodka, to try to bring every-
thing down, and 1 couldn't. 1 was fucking
terrified. 1 thought, OK, I'm going. I
checked my blood pressure and my heart
rate. My vitals were up, but they weren't
code. Finally, I managed to take little ba-
by steps down the stairwell. It took 20
minutes; it felt like 20 days. Horrifying,
PLAYBOY: Your heart going boom-boom-
boom?

SHEEN: From the panic. I thought some-
thing really wrong had happened. I
didn't want to just
tough it out. I called
my bodyguard and
said, "Dude, we've
got to 911 it." So we
did. In the ambu-
lance they gave me a
big shot of something
to bring me down,
and I fell asleep.
That's when the para-
medic called the press
and sold me like a
loaf of bread. This
was news, and he
wanted to be the one
to report it.

PLAYBOY: The para-
medic called the me-
dia right from the
ambulance?

SHEEN: Must have, be-
cause there were too
many people waiting
when I got there. At
the hospital I just
wanted a shot of Ati-
van or something
mellowing. Instead,
I got a doctor who
came right into the
room and got way too
close to my face and
said, “You need AA
and you need it now."
I'm thinking, Fuck
you and your AA. Give me some Valium.
‘Then I drifted into half-sleep, a dream
state. I never had an official overdos
but I think that’s where I was headed.
Then Dad went on the news, and the
judge heard that I had OD'd. I was on
this watch for probation. It didn’t in-
volve testing, but I was supposed to obey
all laws, so they hauled me in.

PLAYBOY. Didn't your dad ask the judge
to arrest you?

SHEEN: Right. He went on the news and
said, "My son has had a drug overdose.”
That triggered Judge Mira.

PLAYBOY. He seems to get all the young.
actors.

SHEEN: Yeah, we keep him busy. But I've
got to tell you, I really came to respect

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the guy I initially deeply resented and
held so much anime toward. He could
see a little more progress in me each time
Га go in for updates and visits. He'd say,
"I have to keep the probation on, but
you're doing great, you look great and I
hear great things. Keep up the good
work." I think he was inspired because I
was really the first guy who followed his
code and held true to what he imposed. I
accepted it and knew that it was because
he wanted to save my lile, not because
he wanted to punish me. He saw past
the textbook punitive avenues. He dug
deeper into himself for something more
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But believe me, I knew if I got loaded
I was going away for a while. In fact,
people would say, “Oh, you're just sober
because you're on probation.” I'd say,
“Well, maybe today. But maybe tomor-
row that won't be the case." What you
come to discover is, it isn't how you get
there, it's that you get there. If that's
what it took to get me where I'm at to-
day, so be it.
PLAYBOY: Any temptations afterward?
SHEEN: Sure. 1 had plans early on, the
day I got off probation, to go to Amster-
dam and go on a whole run. I wanted to
control the again, so I could take
back the power. Going would have been
giving away the power.
PLAYBOY: Why haven't you ever discussed.

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this part of the experience publicly?
SHEEN: It’s nice to talk about it and know
that I don't have to go through it ev-
er again. That's terrifying shit. I would
have given anything—any movie, any
car, any woman, anything—to just be nor-
mal. Um talking about it because some
kid who's struggling with his own addic-
tions might read an interview I've given,
looking for something inspirational or
truthful that might save or deter him.
PLAYBOY: We don't mean to be naysayers,
but you've never listened to people who
tried to help you.

You're right. When you're in the
grips of it, everybody can basically fuck
off. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.
PLAYBOY: Do you remember the day you
got off probation?
SHEEN: | drove up to
Promises, my rehab
alma mater, and I
talked with my drug
counselor, who had
done time and was
on probation, too. I
wanted to talk to an-
other addict about
this blessing and
about the progress
that had taken place.
I said, "I don't have
any desire to get
loaded right now. I'm.
really so grateful and
so happy to have
my freedom back."
When I was in camp
and had to wear the
Lo-Jack ankle brace-
let monitor, I vowed
there and then that I
would never again do
anything to lose my
freedom.

PLAYBOY: Do movies
get rehab right?
SHEEN: No. It's bull-
shit. 1 saw 28 Days. 1
don't remember re-
hab being like a day
camp or being that
funny. Rehab is a
dumping ground. It's
a big landfill where you go to unload
all your shit. You kind of pick through
what's worth keeping and fixing, re-
assemble some of the pieces and hope-
fully move on. Of the 20-some people in
my original group, only one other per-
son I know for sure is sober.
PLAYBOY: So what does that say about
rehab?

SHEEN: It says more about the disease,
how insidious it is. It's the onl:
that tells you that you don't ha
hab is a motherfucker, especially if
you've had any kind of life where you've
been the man. Suddenly you're in a
place where there's no special treatment.
You're equalized.

PLAYBOY: So now drugs are out, drink is

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PLAYBOY

out. How about sex?

SHEEN: [Laughs] Of course not. I got
sober, I didn't get stupid
PLAYBOY: Just curious: How well were
you able to function sexually on cocaine?
SHEEN: I was never shut down by the
drugs; that was my problem. Cocaine
was an aphrodisiac, it wasn't a cancella-
tion element. I think that was a bit of
a curse. Anybody else would say, "What
do you mean? You did an eight-ball and
had sex all night?" Га be like, Yeah,
didn't you?

PLAYBOY: And the women were casy to
come by?

SHEEN: Yeah. But for every perk, there's
a pitfall. For every free meal, there's a
tabloid story. For every girl who sleeps
with you, there are two who don't—and
not until the end of the night, when
they're alone with you and back at your
place, do you realize they had it planned
Írom the get-go.

PLAYBOY: You didn't expect to get lucky
every time, did you?

SHEEN: No. But they could have told us
that at the bar, before we left with them,
instead of at three A.M., when everybody
else is gone and the options are done.
PLAYBOY: Can we clear up a few Charlie
Sheen rumors?

SHEEN: Shoot.

PLAYBOY: Is it true that you hired hookers:
and had them dress up as cheerleaders?
SHEEN: Total bullshit.

PLAYBOY: Five women in one bed at a
time?

SHEEN: True, but it happened only once.
It wasn't a habitual thing.

PLAYBOY: Did you have them laid out in a
pentagon?

SHEEN: [Smiles] No, it was just the end of
the night and everybody had split. It was
me and five girls, and I said, “Well, I’m
up for it if you girls are.” They're like,
“Yeah, right.” That was a challenge, so I
went for it. I was with one at a time with
the other four watching. It was a litde
uncomfortable, actually. I think I said,
"Can you guys just look the other way
until it's your turn?" I wouldn't recom-
mend five at once. There's just not
enough guy to go around.

PLAYBOY: Where do you normally draw
the line?

SHEEN: At two. Even with two, some-
body's always jealous. Even if it’s their
idea, someone comes away pissed oll.
Something happens and you spend the
rest of the night apologizing for some-
thing they initiated. A lot of times you'll
be with your steady and she'll invite a
girlfriend; they'll get a couple drinks
them and say, "Hey, whaddya think
Before you know it, you're into it. Then
you pay more attention to one or the
other and there are problems. Two wom-
en is a big guy fantasy that looks better
on paper.

PLAYBOY: Do you think you're a good-
looking guy?

80 SHEEN: From some angles, in certain

lighting. I wasn't dealt a terrible hand. I
don't think I'm a romantic sex symbol,
but I think I'm ruggedly handsome.
PLAYBOY: Is it true you and a friend took
a World Sex Tour?

SHEEN: [Laughs] Which one?

PLAYBOY: Amsterdam. You and he did
separate sides of a red-light-district
street.

SHEEN: Yeah. Me and Jo-Jo [chuckles]. We
set a goal for the one night, and we hit it.
Ten each. He took one side of the canal,
I took the other. Little single rooms,
women sitting in the windows. You walk.
up, look through the window, go inside,
they pull the curtain and, you know. We
Іей there very tired.

PLAYBOY: How did you manage to mai
tain your stamina?

SHEEN: I was doing a lot of amyl at the
time, and that tends to get the sex thing
going. Amyl and Heincken: the Amster-
dam combination. Jesus, what a night-
mare. You can stay hard, but you're
shooting blanks after a while. Then it be-
comes about approaching the number.
We said 10 each and you're on eight, and
you're going, I need some fucking pasta
or steak or something. Fuck it: Heine-
ken, amyl—that’s my dinner. Then you
get to nine. We didn't want to leave there
saying, "We got 17 but we aimed for 20."
It was ridiculous.

PLAYBOY: What was it like Stateside, being
young and hot in Hollywood?

SHEEN: It was radical. It was perfect. It
was anything you wanted it to be.
PLAYBOY: For instance?

SHEEN: You can go to the best restaurant
in town with no reservation, at peak
mealtime with seven friends, and say,
“We're hungry.” Then you could leave
that meal, call a guy on the way to the
airport to fire up a jet to take you to Ve-
gas, go to a casino with nothing—no wal-
let, nothing—and talk a casino manager
into giving you a $50,000 line of credit.
PLAYBOY: Did you do that often?

SHEEN: Not too often, but it was nev-
er dull.

PLAYBOY: Where did you hang out in Los
Angeles
SHEEN: Mostly on Sunset, either the Rain-
bow or On the Rox. I always made
friends with the guy who ran the club,
because then you could stay after hours
and drink. Then there was always a par-
ty that went to somebody's house in
town afterward, or you'd
hotel somewhere near the p
gin—with your select group of friends.
You'd tell all the other knuckleheads, “I
got to get some sleep, I got to do some-
thing in the morning” or some lie, just to
get them off your trail. Then you'd settle
into phase two or phase three or phase
four, however deep you were going. The
point was just to seek entertainment on
all levels—women, drugs, rock stars. Lal
ways wanted to hang out with rock stars
because they brought a diflerent clement
PLAYBOY: Were they more or less de-

bauched than you?
SHEEN: At first, more; later on, le:
of my fondest memories is when Slash,
from Guns n' Roses, sat me down at his
house and said, "You've got to clean up.
your act." You know you've gone too far
when Slash is saying, "Look, you've got
to get into rehab, you have to shut it
down. You're going to die.” He's a terrif-
ic guy and I love him—he's a buddy of
mine—but I had to step back from that
situation and go, "Yeah, but you're Slash.
Whaddya mean?”

PLAYBOY: How far gone were you when
he said that?

SHEEN: We'd been up for about four
days. But I still heard him because a part
of me was saying, “This isn't as much fun
as I thought it was going to be, Some-
thing's missing."

PLAYBOY: Where did your appetite for
self-destruction come from?

SHEEN: A good question. It came from a
long time of wanting things 1 couldn't
have, like women and money and access.
From when I was 10 to about 16 1 saw
other people satisfy those appetites, and
1 wanted to be not just along for their
ride but driving the car.

PLAYBOY: What others?

SHEEN: The group I ran with, the Brat
Pack. Emilio's friends. The St. Elmo's Fire
and Breakfast Club crowd. They had all
pretty much hit when I was still audi-
tioning and struggling and wasn’t really
getting anywhere.

I got tired of girls coming to me to get
to them. We'd be at a table at the Hard
Rock and they'd get all the attention; all
І got was the waiter telling me what the
specials were. I so desperately wanted to
be Mr. Somebody: “Thanks for coming
back, Mr. Sheen. It's good to see you
again." Instead, I was the little brother,
included to a point, but there was always
atime for the youngsters to vacate.
PLAYBOY: Makes sense if you're 10.
SHEEN: Or 11, 12. 13. "Go to your room.”
or, "We're going to drop you off now.
You'll hear the great story tomorrow."
1 got tired of waiting. 1 wanted to be
telling the great story. I just didn't know
one day I'd have so many to tell [smiles].
Seriously, I guess I just wanted to be ac-
cepted, liked, loved. I wanted respect.
PLAYBOY: Did not being the center of at-
tention make you angry?

SHEEN: Yeah. 1 wanted to eclipse them
all, invite them to my parties, take them
on my private jet, introduce them to my
women and give them my drugs. And
, there was no monta

body went bananas for and it won Best
Picture. Everything | thought I wanted
became available.

PLAYBOY: Is everything you got what you
rcally wanted?

SHEEN: Sure. Fame is empowering. My
mistake was that I thought I would in-
stinctively know how to handle it. But

WE GET PAST OUR
6TH DOORMAN OF THE EVENING.

SEE WHERE IT TAKES YOU

remember to drink responsiol

PLAYBOY

suddenly when it's you, you realize
there's no manual, no training course.
As much experience as you might have
had hanging out with the people who
are “in,” until it's you, you can't know.
It's like trying to explain to somebody
what it's like to have sex the first time.
Or asking Hank Aaron what it feels like
to hit a home run in front of 50,000 peo-
ple. Eventually, any plan or illusion I
had about how I would deal with fame
evaporated rapidly, because I took it a
little far, I think. Just a tad [smiles].
PLAYBOY: And how did that affect you
professionall
SHEEN: Fame is a fickle mistress. It's very
deceiving. It looks really bitchin’ from
the outside, and then you get it and it's
very confusing professionally, social-
ly, emotionally. It’s confusing because
you're so worried about how you're per-
ceived. A lot of my exploits were guilt-
driven, shame-driven. I would hang out
with the lower-class individual and try to
give away as much as possible, because
on some level I felt like I hadn't really
earned all 1 had, and when was everyone
going to find out? When would the cur-
tain be yanked back? And all this because
one day I was а working actor, just trying
to pursue something I enjoyed and try-
ing to make a living, and the next day I
was a commodity.

PLAYBOY: Surely that can't have been a
complete surprise.

SHEEN: No. But it was terrifying. Sud-
denly they're telling you, "OK, you've
proved yourself to a point, and now,
with this next picture, we're banking on
you to validate our investment." You go
to the set with a different view of your
responsibilities, and sometimes it gets
overwhelming.

PLAYBOY: And you handled it by——
SHEEN: Just. drinking iı it away.

PLAYBOY: What kind of advice did you get
from family and friends?

SHEEN: I got advice, but there'sa big jeal-
ousy factor, so you don't know what ad-
vice to listen to. You don't know if people
are trying to sabotage you or if they gen-
uinely want you to consider your op-
tions. Is he telling me to do that because
if 1 fuck up, he'll look better?

PLAYBOY: Which was it?

SHEEN: Abusc-fucled paranoia. As kids
we're not taught how to deal with suc-
cess; we're taught how to deal with fail-
ure. If at first you don't succeed, try, try
again. If at first you succeed, then what?
We grow up with our fathers talking
about walking to school in the snow, up-
hill both ways, and of wearing the same
socks for 10 years while delivering the
newspaper for half a penny a month,
eating chicken bones and cat hair. We're
raised to believe that you've got to work
hard for what you achieve. Then you
work hard for a while and suddenly
you're not working as hard and you're
achieving more. You start to wonder. It's

82 nolonger so much about the work asit is

about the box office and the reviews and
the premieres and the premiere parties
and the nonsense. It's confusin;
PLAYBOY: What confused you most
SHEEN: [Pauses] In the end it was how I
went from making multimillion-dollar
deals on movies and fucking Playmates
to being unemployable and fucking a.
um, five-months-pregnant Mexican
whore with cesarean scars, in a bar in
Nogales. [Pauses] Forget it. I'm not going
to tell you that story, but when you go
from one end to the other, you have to
pause and wonder what went down be-
tween those two points.
PLAYBOY: Any answers?
SHEEN: I still don't have all the answers.
To tell you the truth, I'm more interest-
ed in what I can do next than what I did
last. We've talked about a lot of psycho-
logical stuff, and, frankly, I'm not all that
certain about any of it. Uncertainty is a
sign of humility, and humility is just the
ability or the willingness to learn.
PLAYBOY: You grew up with Sean and
Chris Penn and Rob and Chad Lowe as
friends. Were you neighbors?
SHEEN: The Lowes lived about six houses
away and the Penns about three miles
away. We all went to the same school and
lived in the same neighborhood. I met
Robert Downey Jr. in high school; we
had biology together in the tenth grade.
I met Chris Penn in the third grade.
Sean is the best actor of our generation,
hands down. And he's only getting bet-
ter—and it pisses me off [laughs].
PLAYBOY: What's his secret?
SHEEN: He brings a reality to his work
that's beyond what is required, and 1
think it takes the audience to another
place. He tortures himself doing it, but
God bless him, because that work exists
forever. It’s educational, watching his
stuff. He teaches us about taking risks
and about letting go of self, of celeb
of ego and all that crap we hang on to
in front of the camera. Sean just says,
"That's not what I'm here for.”
PLAYBOY: You all made amateur films to-
gether, as kids. Super-8s. Anything still
stand out?
SHEEN: A film Sean directed, Rooftop
Killer. It was about an assassin. We were
short on actors, so I played the assassin.
It was basically a reason to get to a very
violent ending, and to use blood bags
and blanks.
PLAYBOY: Did it seem weird growing up
with a dad who made mo
SHEEN: For a while I didn’t think there
was anything unique about it. But then
I'd see how people reacted to him in pub-
lic, and as I got older it seemed a little
strange. His time was always strained or
in demand. My mom has been the anchor
of the whole group. She's really the brains
behind the operation. A very smart,
strong, sincere, compassionate lady as
we traveled the world, living in hotel
rooms and watching Dad make movies.
Whenever Dad would talk about a job,

the first thing we would say is, "Where
does it shoot? Where are we going?" I
credit him with keeping his marriage
and the family intact by always saying,
“I've got to have plane tickets for the
whole family.” Yeah, he kept us out of
school, but school comes and goes. Fam-
ily is forever.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever want a normal
childhood?
SHEEN: What is a normal childhood? We
weren't rich, we were pretty middle-
class. My dad survived from job to job:
with him taking care of so many rel-
atives, he couldn't save any money, re-
ally. Sometimes we'd move into a new
house, for six or eight months. with no
furniture, just sleeping bags. Even that
didn't seem abnormal. My parents went
through a vegetarian phase, a nudist
phase—things that didn't seem strange
until you got to school and everybody
else's lunch boxes were filled with brand
names, not health-food shit, There were
always interesting people at the house:
guru types hanging out, people of ad-
ion or form
of yoga or political sphere. My parents
always sought new teachers to better
their intellect and awareness.
PLAYBOY: How much did your family talk
about acting?
SHEEN: Actually, it's the last thing we talk
about when we're together. But now we
all have to own Ti Vos so we can watch my
show and Dad's. My sister Renee is on
West Wing, too. She's Miss Landingham's
assistant. Fhey don't give her enough to
do, but she's really good. I get heran au-
dition here and there, but I won't ger
her a job. 1 just don't believe in that.
PLAYBOY: Like your father, who didn't
help out with you and Emilio, either.
SHEEN: Right. And we never asked. I
knew early on that it wouldn't be real.
that it wouldn't be earned, which is the
one thing he’s always stressed: earning
things so you own them. | think what
drove me insane for a long time is feel-
ing like I hadn't earned most of what I
achieved because it came so fast.
PLAYBOY: What kind of example did your
dad set for handling career and succes
SHEEN: | saw him handle it, I saw him
mishandle it. | saw him shy away from it,
I saw him embrace it; want it more than
anything in the world, hate it more than
anything in the world. That's not much
of an example from which to take any
kind of feasible approach. And then it
almost killed him. He almost died of a
heart attack in the middle of making
Apocalypse Now, at the time the biggest
movie of his life. As an example, it
doesn't make you want to jump into that
business.
PLAYBOY: Were you there when the attack
happened?
SHEEN: I was Stateside when he had it,
but we flew back to help him rehabili-
tate, all the kids.

(continued on page 159)

IN AT PLAYBOYSTORE.COM

arilyn Monroe smiles at me

every day. She is there on my

living room wall, in one of the

zillions of silk-screened por-
traits of her that Andy Warhol began produc-
ing in the early Sixties, shortly after Mari-
lyn’s substance-induced death, Rendered in
pastel hues of optic intensity, MM looks down
heavy-lidded, with the wrinkle of a grin,
wised-up and happily alluring,

Marilyn no doubt commands a shrine in
thousands, perhaps millions, of homes
around the world. As we approach what
would have been her 75th birthday, she has
emerged as the aboriginal pop culture hero-
ine. But what’s odd in my case is that, while
she was around, I did not think Marilyn Mon-
roe was much—conventional firepower, when
some other women were thermonuclear.

With her pudgy nose, Marilyn really set
no standard for classic female winsomeness.
And her form, fully revealed to the nation in
December 1953 when Marilyn was this maga-
zine’s first Sweetheart of the Month, was no
better than fetching. For sheer flag-raising
pulchritude, I always preferred MM’s nearest
competitor in the swelling ranks of blonde
boobshells, Jayne Mansfield. Even PLAYBOY
conceded in the text that ran with the
now-renowned photo of Marilyn lounging
against red plush, “Her curves really aren’t
that spectacular.”

T'd grown up in one of those urban, ethnic

arilyn (opposite) poses in How fo Mar-

| у | ry a Millionaire. In real life, she snagged

our top slugger and playwright. Hef

put her on the first cover of his new magazine in

1953, buying the rights to a “red velvet” calendar

photo by Tom Kelley. Posing nude came naturally to
the voluptuous Marilyn—as did sleeping nude.

he gave Graucha's eyebrows a workaut in her first big film, Love Happy, а

screwball camedy about missing diamonds. Pretty in pink, she flaunted the

coyest cleavage in Hollywood. The cowgirl is 19-year-old Norma Jean,
part af extensive studies shot by Earl Moran for his cheesecake calendar portraits.
Maran shot Marilyn in his studio aver the caurse of faur years, beginning in 1946.
“Emotionally,” said Moran, “she did everything right. Her mavements, her hands,
her body were jus! perfect.” Breakfast in bed: Marilyn shot by Hallywaad glamour
photagrapher André de Dienes. MM in green: from Millianaire. Marilyn was de-
scribed by Laurence Olivier as “happy as a child when being photographed.”

ХГ обуп ond Tam Ewell (above) in the famous subway grate shat fram Billy Wilder's
4 1955 camedy, The Seven Year Itch. In her breakout film, the 1953 classic Gentle-
Ü

men Prefer Blandes, Marilyn set the gold standard far platinum. "The truth about
Marilyn Manroe," said writer Ben Hecht, “is that she was saved by Hollywood. The spotlight
beating on her 24 haurs a day made the world seem livable to her.” Right: This Earl Moran shot
captured her allure: seeming innocence coupled with an almost accidental eraticism.

coined the term “flesh impact” ta explain her screen magnetism. “There will never be an-

ather like her,” said Wilder. “When she is on the screen, the audience cannat keep their
eyes off her.” Belaw: Her Holiywaad Boulevard star and a picture fram Marilyn's final photo session,
a shoot far Vague by Bert Stern, shortly before her death. Right: Kelley's red-velvet session.

Т he actress set the screen ablaze (left) in 1959's Same Like H Hot. Directar Billy Wilder

enclaves where the beauties I knew—and for whom I had my first yens—were dark.
Sophia Loren, sensual and passionate, was ideal. More to the point, Marilyn's blonde-
ness came straight from the bottle. Whether she was Norma Jean Baker or Norma Jeane
Mortenson at birth, a fact stiil disputed, she was, in the photos I've seen, nigh on to
a brunette when she first married at 16. Thus, there was an element of the fake about
her, a trait that persisted in the girl-off-the-farm routine for which she was best known.
The ingenue who cooed as the subway draft fluitered her skirt to her waist in The Seven
Year Itch was a sexual creature who men could have found fully bewitching only in a

PLAYBOY

patriarchal and puritan era, a woman
too naive and too slow on the uptake to
recognize—and thus to control—the
phenomenal power she exerted.

The real Marilyn. the one who
seemed to be there behind the bur-
lesque posturing, was too neurotic to
command more than sympathy and
too insubstantial to require much re-
spect. Jayne Mansfield, at least, went to
SMU and supposedly had an IQ over
160, Marilyn was famously tempera-
mental, “I've been on a calendar,” she
admitted, “but never on ume.” Drunk
and druggy, she had no apparent grat-
itude for what luck and good PR men
had created for her. Billy Wilder, who
directed my favorite of her films, Some
Like It Hot, called Marilyn “the mean-
est woman I have ever known in this
town.” What could you say about sonie-
body who married both Joe DiMaggio
and Arthur Miller, except that she did
not have a clue what she wanted?

Yet in the nearly 40 years since her
death, one of us has changed. These
days. the image | see in the print on my
living room wall is of a unique figure
who encompassed many of the domi-
nating—and contradictory—impulses
of the second half of the American cen-
tury just concluded.

With Marilyn, sex seemed to be the
heart of the mater. Her initial appear-
ance on these pages embodied, in all
senses, the first truly open communica-
tion in America about sexuality. Hef
bought the photo rights from a calen-
dar company, which had engaged in
only limited distribution of the photo
for fear that McCarthy-era morality
would have led to prosecution for mail-
ing obscene material. Hef, with litle to
lose, put Marilyn in the post, and with
her image, essentially said to America,
“Gather round.”

The fact that she did not quail in that
role was part of Marilyn's power. In
1933, Hedy Lamarr had appeared in
her fabled nude swimming scene in
Ecstasy and the resulting uproar iniuat-
ed an era of censorship. The Motion
Picture Producers and Distributors of
America's Hays Code, effective in 1934,
was so brainlessly restrictive that even
characters who were supposed to be
husband and wife could not be depict-
ed in the same bed. Marilyn's appear-
ance here was an announcement that
atleast one starlet was not about to suc-
cumb to shame—or modesty. She had
it and flaunted it. She never pretended
to have been caught unaware or ex-
ploited by the photos PLAYBOY present-
ed. Indeed, she was back on these pag-
es again, naked as God had made her,
near the ume of her death, when she
was at the apex of her career. She was
nude because she wanted to be.

The inherent feminine power wield-

ed by the tease always underlaid Mari-
Iyn's on-screen persona. What 1 was too
young to understand when 1 watched
her playing the archetype disparaged
n blonde jokes was that it was essential
for her to be unconvincing. She-knew-
that-we-knew-it was all a little too
much. Marilyn was perhaps our first
postmodern figure who addressed us
in subtexts. Always traveling beneath
the surface, as she lamely feigned inno-
cence, was that canny frankness about
the dominating nature of sexuality. We
look back at her slithery rendition of
Happy Birthday to You for JFK, wearing a
dress for the ages, and feel ready to
blush or to laugh out loud at an era so
restrained by proprieties that it was
decades before Americans could open-
ly acknowledge the forthrightness of
her come-ons.

Unlike any of her peers or predeces-
sors, Marilyn added one further ele-
ment: an undertone of regret. Yes, she
was willing; but there was a tenderness
about it, a sadness that she could not be
that farm girl and thus relieved of the
burden of the reactions she inspired
Because she made that bow toward the
acceptable, Marilyn blurred the former

Her celebrated allure was
inherently democratic. She
belonged to everybody.

distinctions between high art and low,
between good taste and bad, between
whore and Madonna. Her PLAYBOY
pose seemed to be pasted to the wall in
the dingy recesses of the backroom of
every hardware store 1 visited in child-
hood, a lurid testimonial to the base-
ness of men. Yet Marilyn, somehow,
was never confined to the shadow:
her apparent vulnerability saved her.
She also was welcomed—and probably
schtupped—at the White House.
Looking backward, we now see the
America that emerged from the Sec-
ond World War as one where imagery
and commerce were increasingly inter-
twined, where our na entity
was rooted more and more in certain
images marketed coast-to-coast. The
endlessly photographed Monroe was
probably the most famous face on
earth—and as a self-conscious sex sym-
bol, she made herself a virtual com-

modity. It is no accident that Warhol

began turning out his serial portr;
of her around the same time he was
painting pictures of Brillo boxes and
soup cans.

It was the eagerness with which she
gave herself to that role that really

tinguished Marilyn. She somehow sug-
gested the degree to which we created
her. She succumbed to us more power-
fully, more willingly than any woman
before, beaming back our callow, bu

widely shared, fantasies. Her celebrat-
ed allure was inherently democratic.

She belonged to everybody—indeed.
in retrospect, that is one of the clear
messages of the fact she could attract
both our best ballplayer and our pre-
eminent playwright.

Nevertheless, it was death that ulti-
mately made Marilyn Monroe larger
than life—and spared her the excess
that has overwhelmed the likes of Eliz-
abeth Taylor. It is hard to imagine who
Marilyn would be, approaching her
dotage. Dietrich’s legs still gathered
raves when she was well into her 60s.
but by 75, even Marilyn's sexual can-
dlepower was bound to have dimmed.
Instead. she remains in memory fully
possessed of all her carnal appeal, like
athletes who retire at the height of
their powers.

The poignancy of her story lies in the
fact that her end taught us to distrust so
much of what she seemingly stood for.
She may not have been the first celebri-
ty destroyed by celebrity—that honor
may belong to Socrates—but she was
certainly the first one who was essential-
ly photographed as she danced over the
brink. Hollywood is a place that teaches
over and over again the Greck gods’
lessons about hubris. Marilyn stands—
with Elvis and dozens of others—as the
object lesson that fame is worth litle in
the end. That the most glamorous wom-
an on earth died in desperation ce-
ments the message that “real life" is the
only place to find a life.

As important, Marilyn was raised
from the dead a feminist icon. It
turned out that being craved by most
of the men in America capable of an
erection did not make a woman happy
Quite the opposite. Like her third hus-
band’s most famous hero, Willy Lo-
man, Marilyn seemingly died because
she had the wrong dreams. Her de-
struction inspired women to resist
being similarly reduced to symbol or
package.

It is far too romantic to believe Mari-
lyn understood all of this. In fact, it is
the essence of her legend that she fully
surrendered herself to what everyone
else wanted to make of her. But at 75,
she seems certain to be remembered as
the first emblem of the omnivorous na-
ture of our developing pop culture,
and of the ability of certain figures to
become a River Ganges of national pas-
ions, into which all of them poured
in—unul they washed her away

For our online tribute to Marilyn, join the
Playboy Cyber Club at cyber layboy.com.

“Hi, I'm Nicole. Here are the specials for tonight."

THE

OTHER SIDE
MULHOLLAND

Fiction By Stephen Randall

finally perry had it all—the tv pilot, the
malibu party, even an ambitious girlfriend.
maybe those brush fires were a sign

or all the money thrown
round in Hollywood,
urprisingly little of itis
spent on interior design.
Most offices look like
they were designed by Kmart. Homo-
geneous and functional and some-
times funky. The reason is simple.
No one ever stays in an office long
enough to do more than put up a
poster of their last project and a pic-
ture of the family. If the job goes well,
you get bumped up toa bigger, better
office. If it doesn’t, you move on to
another characterless office at an-
other studio. It drives the mail room
guys crazy. д
Jonathan Scott’s office was fitting
for one of the 247 vice presidents who
worked on the Sony lot. The title vice
president of comedy development
for the Columbia TriStar Television
Group was pretty much as low as you
wanted to be in the studio system—se-
nior vice president was, of course, bet-
ter, and executive vice president bet-
ter still. But to be a president was even
cooler—after all, Sony, Columbia’s
parent company, had only 26 of those,
one for each division, plus a few ex-
tras. The United States of America, by
comparison, has one, but the world of

fantasy is so much more complicated
than the real one.

That Nancy and Perry’s meeting
was taking place in Jonathan’s office
was good—for Jonathan. It meant ex-
ecutives from higher up in the food
chain would be coming to his turf, a
clear sign that Dire Straights, the pilot
script, was his project.

As writers, Nancy and Perry were
the first to arrive. Nancy and Perry
were more than partners, they were al-
so a couple. Like so many relation-
ships in LA, theirs began romantical-
ly and soon developed professional
overtones. In a show of commitment
unique to the city, they had formed
Comstock Productions, their own pro-
duction company. A male assistant
with a headset ushered them into Jon-
athan’s office. The first thing Jona-
than did, after pleasantries, was
leave—having no intention of sitting
in his own office with two writers. He
skulked in the hall until his bosses ar-
rived, running late as always.

“I think we can pretty much cut to
the chase here,” said Jonathan, lean-
ing against his desk as Nancy and Per-
ry sat on the couch and the two senior
executives took the two chairs. “We've
read what (continued on page 100)

ILLUSTRATION BY JOEL NAKAMURA

these girls are not part of a
media cover-up

Naked News’ lead anchar, Victaria Sinclair (at tap), offers two bits af
professional advice and ane caveat : (1) It takes faur minutes ta disrabe
gracefully. (2) When delivering bad news, dan't dwell an grisly details.
(3) Dan't farget the superglue: Fake nails easily break off when yau're
unbuttoning yaur clathes. Sinclair (above) prepares for a sound check.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEN NISHINO

ur faith in Canada has been restored now
that “the only network worth watching”
has put the broad back into broadcasting.

Of course, we're talking about the four
nude women who deliver the news live each after-
noon at nakednews.com. Armed with only micro-
phones and eight smoking guns, these hard-hitting
Toronto journalists report on international news,
business, sports and the weather, which often in-
cludes references to nipply—er, nippy—tempera-

tures. We are taken by their bright smiles and unin-
hibited performance, and, apparently, we’re not
alone. With 6 million viewers a month logging on,
Naked News is one of the few dotcoms that’s in no
danger of failing. The Naked News team takes jour-
nalism seriously. According to lead anchor Victoria
Sinclair, visitors may log on for the nudity, but they
stay tuned because “the content and delivery are su-
perb.” Naked News is looking to add even more lus-
ter to its team. We hope Maria Bartiromo is available.

Business reporter Carmen Russo (at top) hos o wonderful effect on all
our major indexes. Russo ond a crew member (above) go over the fine
points of bare-bones broodcosting. Members of the Naked News team
(left to right) Victorio Sincloir, Holly Weston, Diane Foster ond Carmen
Russo—have great smiles ond not one journclism degree between them.

=
SUSE
| 7

Sinclair (opposite, top) shows us the evolution of breoking
news, ond does her best Vonna White imitation (opposite,
center). Sinclair (opposite, bottom) discusses her perfor-
mance with a colleogue. Sportscaster Holly Weston (neor
left, top) is dressed oppropriately for o locker room filled
with noked guys. She will have her own news soon: By the
fime you read this, she'll have given birth to her first boby.
Wectherwomon Dione Foster (neor left) weors a little fur to
keep warm. Cormen Russo prepares for showtime: She gets
o lost-minute microphone adjustment (top left), robes (top
center) and disrobes (top right). Russo's on-air delivery
(obove) is os flowless os her bockstoge presence (right).
One word olwoys leoves her tongue-tied: Newfoundlond.

FOR MORE NAKED NEWS PHOTOS, JOIN THE PLAYBOY CYBER CLUB
AT CYBER.PLAYBOY.COM.

THE

DEADLY

AIR

viruses are ancient and
mysterious. now, thanks
to globalization and
terrorism, they pose
an unthinkable threat

Article by Michael Parrish

TS AGOLDEN AGE for the viruses that live with
us. More of these single-minded microscopic
barbarians than ever are on intimate terms
with humans, Yet they remain largely a mys-
tery at the fringe of life, parasites, neither plant nor
animal, what some believe to be the original living
organisms. They're so small that only in the past
hundred years have we isolated them for study. No
one has any idea how many there are, whether
their numbers are growing, or how many would
kill us in a close encounter. Despite generations of
research, we have no sweeping antiviral drug that
works the way penicillin fights bacteria. But we are
learning the size of the threat—that viruses have a
much bigger impact on our lives than we thought.
And that no virus has our best interests at heart.
Most viruses, like most sharks, don’t harm hu-
mans. Some could be useful in gene therapy. But
all too many cause sickness, pain and death. And
it may be that we're only beginning to realize the
range of diseases caused (continued on page 172)

ILLUSTRATION BY JORDIN ISIP

PLAYBOY

100

MULHOLLAND

(continued from page 92)
you've done and we feel passionate
about i

The others nodded in agreement as
they scanned Perry's treatment.

“1 believe it's important to go only
with projects you feel passionate about,"
said Jonathan.

“Passion is what this business is all

about,” added one of the other execu-
tives. “Without passion, what do we
have?

“This whole concept is exactly what
TV needs right now,” said the other.
“It's very fresh and yet traditional
“That's where the culture is right
now,” said Jonathan. “People want new
things, but they want them to be famil-
iar. That's why it's so easy to be pas-
sionate about this show.”

"I consider myself a passion player,”
said Nancy firmly. "And I know this is
the best work we've done. And there's
no one Га rather be in business with
than Columbia. I wouldn't even take
this project anywhere else."

Perry leaned forward to speak, but
Nancy squeezed his knee in a none too
subtle reminder that this was her turn.
He was left to ponder how, exactly, he
had managed to write something that
was new and old at the same time.

Jonathan looked for a sign from the
most senior executive. He received a
slight nod.

“I think we're ready to put Comstock
on the lot and tape this pilot. Our guys
will do everything in their power to get
this on a network for next season—and
I think vou both know that NBC owes
us a big favor this year. I'd have no
qualms about calling in this favor on
your show.”

“That's fantastic,” said Nancy. "We
want partners who feel as strongly
about this as we do.”

Perry felt a bit of a squirm factor.
He was all for shmoozing Holly
types—he'd done his share of
Nancy was pouring it on a bit heavy.

“We'll want protection, of course,”
she went on. “We have to be the show-
runners or we'll take it elsewhere.”

“That goes without saying.” said
Jonathan. "It's not just the script we're
buying. 17 you. It's your energy, your
intensity, your. . . ." He paused, not
wanting to use the P word yet again,
but the thesaurus іп his mind faltered.

‘And yes, your passion. Heather says
such great things about you, and you
know how important her word is to u:

“I'm very glad to hear that,” said
Nancy. “We're not interested in a one-
show arrangement. I have a notebook
with dozens of good ideas, and alter we
prove ourselves to you with Dire Straights,
we fully intend to gear up to do more

shows and become a major force.”

"That's the type of thinking we like
to hear,” said Jonathan. She was clearly
pleasing the two executives. In fact, ev-
eryone was happy but Perry, who won-
dered what these wonderful ideas were
and who had come up with them. He
hadn't, and Nancy certainly hadn't both-
ered burdening him with any ideas she
might have had. Besides, wasn't he the
creative force behind Comstock?

As congratulations were exchanged

and arrangements made to bring the
agents into this. Perry sat on the couch
stunned. I sold a script. he thought. To
a big studio. His biggest credit so far
had been for Boing, a low-rent cable
game show, writing smartass questions.
Now he was a real writer. And very
soon, he'd be a real producer, and he
was only 96 ycars old.
1 was almost anticlimactic, wasn't
it?” he said as they walked down the
hall after the meeting. “I expected
more. Maybe champagne. Confetti.
Party favors.”

"Didn't you feel the energy level in
the room?” asked Nancy incredulously.
“That was the most intense vibe I've
ever felt. It was like the room was vi-
brating. Did you see how well 1 played
them? I told them everything they
wanted to hear. It was like I could read
their minds.”

“Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet,” mused
Perry. “What do we do now? Do you
want to go to Starbucks or something?”

“We'll celebrate tonight. I've got to

get back. And I should call Heather on
the cell as soon as I get in the car. She's
waiting to hear from me.”
\ancy had а day job. She was per-
sonal assistant to Heather Windward,
one of the most talked-about voung ac-
tresses in Hollywood, known for her
numerous love affairs with famous
Gen-X actors and her exquisite taste in
tattoos. Heather and Nancy wandered
the world together, particularly during
brooding, post-love affair trips to Italy
and France. They were close in age. so
many people assumed employer and
employee were friends. Nancy subtly
fostered that delusion, not because she
wanted to be a star's friend, but be-
cause it might help her get one of her
projects off the ground and land the
job of her dreams—producer. All those
s to the dry cleaner were finally
paying off.

They kissed goodbye and Perry got in
his Honda and drove off. When he got
to the corner, he had an idea.
they should do the Trader V
for dinner tonight, and invite some
friends, maybe even his brother Tim.
He waited at the corner for Nancy's
car. After a few minutes, when he saw
no sign of her, he figured she had gone
out another exit, and he moved on.

Even before the van hit the impene-
trable wall of traffic on Sunset Boule-
vard, everyone was in a snappish, surly
mood. It wasn't just that it was day four
of an unbearably hot, windy patch of
weather. Barry was in a bad mood be-
cause he was the driver, the setting sun
was hitting him square in the eyes and
he was driving his wife's minivan. He
vans. He hated that he
owned one, but he'd been persuaded
by the rest of the guys at Bomg to bring
the van to work so they could all take
one car to Perry's going-away bash at
the beach. And if bringing the mini
wasn't bad enough, the fact that it was
his car made him the de facto designat-
ed driver.

Lee, Jim, Tony and Dick were pissed
off, too. It was frustrating enough to
watch one of their own—Perry, hardly
the most talented of the group—leave
the humble world of basic cable for a
pilot at a real studio, but they also had
to honor the guy. take him out for the
traditional round of drinks at some-
place outside the neighborhood, some-
thing that would be special, more of an
occasion. Jim had innocently suggested
ladstone's 4 Fish, a tourist trap with
mediocre food but strong tropical drinks
and a great location on the beach,
where Sunset Boulevard hits Pacific
Coast Highway. Since the beach is one
of those mystical places that sound
great—until you actually face the both-
er of getting there—everyone imme-
diately agreed. Shortly before they
climbed into the van, they all silently
realized what a huge mistake it was.

Perry kept checking his watch. He
understood the tradition. It would
havc been an insult not to take him out
for a farewell drink. He deserved that
much, he figured. As the reality of his
success sunk in. he was beginning to
feel a bit proud. He even understood
the jealousy and anger aimed his way
from his former co-workers—that was
probably the best part of the whole
evening. The only thing he couldn't ac-
cept was the traffic gridlock

“Turn on the radio,” suggested Per-

y. “Let's see why we're not moving.

Barry pushed the first button on the
minivan radio and got instant results.
‘And, of course, that raging brush fire
in Malibu is making a mess out of
traffic on Pacific Coast Highway
nounced KFWB's newsreader.
highway patrol has closed off traffic at
‘Topanga, so be prepared for serious
delays.”

Usually, fires in Malibu are no incon-
venience to the rest of Los Angeles. In
fact, on the long list of multiple natural
disasters that strike southern California

(continued on page 162)

“Gee, thanks. As a matter of fact, 1 was just voted top tits
of the week on the Internet!”

101

racing out of town2

nothing tests a man's style
sense like the summer Week-
end. start light and smart

Summer is all about weekends. During those brief, blistering months we probably spend more
time plonning our tWo- ond three-day breaks than we do working. Which meons weekend oc-
tivities like swimming and surfing, hiking ond biking, and drinking and screwing put moximum
stress on a guy's summer wardrobe and overnight bag. The best way to pack o sports coot (crit-
ical if you're in pursuit of the species feminus fabulous—Latin for the high-tailed Towny) is to
not pock it at oll. Weor it to the office, then head to the train station, airport or SUV at maxi-
mum speed. Get reody to light up the clubs with these iridescent jackets. From left, Croig weors
o dress shirt, rep tie, linen jacket and light trousers, all by Brioni. His belt is by Kenneth Cole,
his wotch is by Pulsar, his glosses ore by Oliver Peoples and his bag is by CK. Next guy: That's
a DKNY Jeans T-shirt and a pair of Ted Boker pants on Anthony. He wears a Timex watch. His
glosses ore Giorgio Armani. Fernando de la cell phone gets greot reception on his outfit by
Paul Stuart (cotton T, pants and sports coot). He's in possession of o DKNY belt, a gold Seiko
watch and a briefcose by/Valextra. For the finale, we have Dylan in a Comelioni combo of linen
shirt, jacket and trousers. He has a bag by Volextra in his hand; the other is by Burberry.

photography by Claus Wickrath

maz A

Some rules about traveling with women:
(1) Bring plenty of cash. (2) Never, ever ol-
low her to. get a sunburn (no nooky till
| it heals). 13) Don'Fbring pajomas. (4)
\ She's going to pack about 70 pounds of
bikinis ond makeup, ond won't carry an,
ounce of it. (5) Make out in the woter.
(6) She's not cooking squot. (7) You
moke the plans, she breoks them. (B)
You're putting up. with oll this for y
reason. (9) Dress well. Like Anthony
here. He уубаге-а shirt by Gianni Ver-
soce, ponts by Proda ond a Kenneth
Cole watch. Dune is hotter thon July in
о cardigan ond holter by Easel, shorts
by Joop, shoes by Les Tropeziennes
and sunglosses by Polo Jeans. The
bogs ore by Louis Vuitton

Weekend workouts often begin with a light

round of troin trotting. Hoofing on the left is

Craig the cyclist, His shirt ond shorts are by

Lovis Garneou for Evolution. He's wearing

Oliver Peoples glosses ond bike shoes by
Carnac. The helmet is a Bell. Fernondo fol-

lows in o techno shirt, zip-front jacket ond red
shorts, all by Hugo Boss Sport. Those are Nouti-

ca sneakers. The dude on the right wears an OP
T-shirt, ploid shirt and shorts. Columbia Sports-
wear made his hooded anorak ond the backpack is
from Eddie Bouer. His sneakers ore by Tommy Hilfiger.
His sunglasses are by Black Fly. Thot's a Pinarello

bike and a Rowson surfboard.

Understand this: If you want her ta shaw skin, yo have ta lighten up, tao. Start with
foatwear—this seasan designers bet that reol men will wear sandals. Craig (lefi) is in o Ted) %
Baker shirt, Emporia Armani shorts ond Helmut Long sondals. That's o Seika watch on his
wrist. Above him, Dylon wears shorts, shirt ond sandals by John Varvatas. Dune slinks dawn
the stairs in о sweater and cardigan by Easel, shorts by William B and shoes by Les Trapezi-
ennes. She carries a Samsonite bog. Greeting her top right is Fernanda in shirt. опа

sharts from Palo Jeans. His sandals are Noutico, his watch is o Timex. That's an

Emporio Armani shirt, a pair of Prada pants and Pola Jeans sandals an Anthony.

Drain before you train, particularly if you've filled up at the Oyster Bar (to which we owe special thanks). Chances are yau haven't been
comparison shopping far jeans lately. Don’t worry—you're in luck. Keeping things minty fresh, from left to right: Croig wears o pair of
long-legged Diesels, The slim cut of the ankle on the pants shows aff his Fila sneakers. His shirt is by Force and his backpack is by Ed-
die Bauer. The wide-leg bottoms on Fernando's jeans are the perfect trendy compromise for guys who were raised on baggy, hip-hug-
ging hip-hoppers. Plus, all the ladies will know yau're wearing Gucci. His sneakers are by Tommy Hilfiger, and his shirt is by Puma. He's
wearing a Timex. Anthany is straight-edging it in Levi's, a shirt by Nautica Jeans and shoes by Dexter. All set for o memorable weekend,
Dylan has jeans by D&G and a shirt by Force, and he's wearing Nautica sneakers. All the belts, by the way, ore by CK Bradley.

Where and How to Buy on page 168.

s editor of Batteries Not Included, a monthly newsletter about the porn

industry, | watch more than 600 adult videos each year, with no visible

harm to my body or mind but with severe strain ta my VCR's fast-forward
gears. | move quickly because life is short and porn is long. I can't claim to have seen
every triple-X movie (according to the industry magazine Adult Video News, more
than 10,000 titles are released each year), but | have seen damn near every one of
quality. Here are the 10 best currently available on video and DVD:

BY RICHARD FREEMAN

The Awakening (1999)
The plot of this Paul Thomas film is strange, sort of Blow Up meets blow job. Fol-
lowing a near-death experience. Inari Vachs attempts to discover something that
provides more for her than emotionally empty, random sex. Her photographer boy-
friend ridicules this spiritual search, bangs her junkie sister (Kobe Tai] and becomes
enraged when Inari tells him that things must change. Confused, Inari visits a New
Age guru who claims he can walk through walls—and who has a thing for Kobe's
feet. The filmmakers claim this is based on a true story.

Bobby Sox (1996)
Another Paul Thomas film, and perhaps his best. Jamie Gillis plays an alcoholic
B-movie actor who has fallen to doing C moves. He's on the road to promote his
latest horror film. Dressed as a space monster, he “kidnaps” Nikki Tyler. The film
quickly turns into a parody of Rhonda Shear's old Up All Night movie marathons, but
with sex scenes that would make Gilbert Gottfried hyperventilate.

Chameleons: Not the Sequel (1992)
John Leslie directed some of the most popular adult movies of the Nineties. This is
his best. Rocco Siffredi and Deidre Holland play aliens who feast on the sex drives of
humans and assume the identity of each person they fuck. One of their victims is
Ashlyn Gere, who wants to become an alien herself so she can consume Rocco and
experience sex as a man. (list concluded on page 171]

“Instead of Miss America, would you settle for Miss Congeniality?”

109

miss june sent us out of the park

HOME RUN HEATHER

EATHER SPYTEK is a resourceful woman with a knack for covert maneu The
23-year-old booked a room at the Beverly Hilton and crashed last year's Gold
en Globe Awards so she could rub elbows with Hollywood's finest. “I was walk-

ing down the red carpet beside Warren Beatty,” she laughs. “Security puts
your room key in the same folder with the tickets for the event, so 1 just showed them the
card and they thought I was a movie star! I met Courtney Love, Winona Ryder and Calista
Flockhart.” The ruse came to an abrupt end when the future (text concluded on page 116)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA

Tawana.

Winning beauty contests didn’t endear Heather to
Florida femoles. “Since we're oll competing, they con

get сону,” she says. “I usually hong out with my hus-
bond and my dog ond cot—they re like my babies.”

Heather takes her puppy, Bijou, every-
where she goes. “1 smuggle him into mov-
ies, restauronts and stores," she says. "He's
o well-trained three-pound Yorkie-and-Bi
chon mix—I even snuck him into the Ba-
homos in o little poper bag." Although she
got him on a plone ond flew him over on
internationol border, Heather didn't risk
toking the pooch to the Playboy Mansion
“| didn’t know whot to expect,” she soys
“There ore so many onimols at the Mon-
sion, so | don't think they wonted any more
dogs around. Moybe I'll toke him the next
time I'm out there!”

Miss June 2001 approached Hugh Hefner's party and was
turned away by his girlfriends. At this Golden Globe
Awards, however, Heather was one of Hefner's invited
guests. “He laughed and told someone, ‘Can you believe it?
She was here last year trying to meet me, and the twins made
her go away," she says. “It's a crazy story!”

Heather's own story began in New Jersey, where she was
exposed to showbiz at an early age. “My father was the lead
guitarist and singer for a Sixties group, the Magnatones.
He's a great guy and really supportive of everything I do.”
Heather started dancing when she was three and studied
ballet, tap and jazz before entering her first beauty pageant
at the age of 11. “The pageants really helped me feel com-
fortable in front of the camera," she says. She attended a pri-
vate high school in Florida and a liberal arts college in New

Jersey before taking time off to model for Hawaiian Tropic
and such Playboy Special Editions as Girls of Summer 2000.

A back injury when she was 18 kept Heather away from
her first love, dancing, for a few years. “I'm starting to get in
shape again and get into the groove," she says. "I like the
way Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez dance—hip-hop
moves.” When she's not busy getting her groove back, Heath-
er enjoys Jet Skiing and spending time at home in Holly-
wood, Florida with her husband, Marcello. She caught her
hubby's eye at a bikini contest in South Beach. “Не”
dream man I always envisioned—sweet and genuin
says. "He asked me to marry him after two weeks of dating,
and seven months later we got married on a Maui beach. He
supports my posing for PLAYBOY. I feel like PLAYBOY swept me
off my feet and took me to the Mansion to be a princess.”

For video and other photos of Heather, join the Playboy Cyber
Club at evberblavbo сот.

INNI SSIW

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME Heather Spytek _

BusT:__S(o___ waIsT:_ A> mrs: AA
HEIGHT: 60 _wEIGHT: MO.

BIRTH pate: 12/7/77 _ BIRTHPLACE: Woodbury, New Sarsay _
amerrtons: Te De happy with whatever 1 do in my

Ше. ала blanket Ње, wold with love and jay.

TURN-ONS:

[cue love, honesty, sincerity ‚genuineness,
intelligence, happiness and being adyentowous.

TURNOFFS: Liars, Fake and Superficial people jealous, ,
MY FAVORITE ACTIVITIES „Ballet daning , art 0

THE MOST EXOTIC PLACE IVE VISITED: [Ne Hana Cainfocest _

Age 10,
cute and imocent.

Golden Globe My pe
Awards 2000. Nai

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

Hillary Clinton visited her doctor for her an-
nual physical exam. After conducting a battery
of tests, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
“I'm a busy senator,” Hillary said. “This is the
last thing I need.”

Furious, she called Bill from her cell phone.
“How could you get me pregnant? How could
you? This is all your fault.”

Bill didn't reply. There was nothing but si
lence on the other end.

“Bill, did you hear me?" Hillary yelled.

Finally, in a barely audible whisper, Bill
asked, "Who is this?"

Р! лүвоу crassic: An escaped convict broke in-
t0 a house and woke up a married couple. He
tied the man to a chair and his wife to the bed-
posts. Then the convict leaned over the wom-
an and whispered in her ear.

t left the room, the husband
said, "Honey, this guy hasn't
years. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it. Whatever you do, don't fight
him. Our lives depend on it. Be strong and re-
member, I love you.”

The wife nodded and said, "Dear, I'm so re-
lieved you feel that way. You're right. He hasn't
had a woman in years. He said he thinks
you're cute and asked for petroleum jelly. Be
strong and remember, I love you, too.”

A mother was shopping for her daughter and
asked the salesgirl the price of some Barbie
This Barbie is just $16.99,” the woman

f you want something a little nicer, Mal-
ibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get the Di-
vorce Barbie for $169.99.”

“Why is Divorce Barbie so much more ex-
the mother asked.
the salesgirl said, “Divorce Barbie
ith Ken's house and car."

“Well,
comes

A lawyer by the name of Strange died. His
friend kel the tombstone inscriber to write
“Here lies Strange, an honest man and a law-
yer” on the headstone.

The inscriber suggested this would confuse
passersby, who would think that three men
were buried there. He suggested, “Here lies a
man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"Whenever anyone walks by,” he explained
"they'll be certain to remark, “That's Strange."

What's the only way to get a dotcom million-
aire out of his penthouse?
Break down the door and turn off the gas.

A man walked into the produce section of his
local supermarket and asked to buy half a head
of lettuce. A young clerk told him they only
sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was so
insistent that the clerk agreed to ask his man-
ager about the matter. He walked into the back
room and said to his manager, “Some jerk out
there wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned and
saw the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the
other half."

The manager approved the deal and the
man went on his way. Later, the manager said,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people
who think on their feet here. Where are you
from, son?"

"Minnesota, sir," the young clerk replied.

“Well, why did you leave Minnesota?” the
manager asked

The clerk said, “Sir, there’s nothing but
whores and hockey eg up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from
Minnesota.”

The clerk replied, “No kidding? What team
did she play for?”

Two strangers were walking down the street
next to each other. Both were limping. One
asked the other, “What happened to you?"
“Gulf war, 1991,” the man answered. “What
about you?
‘The other replied, “Dog shit, two blocks
back.”

Bunrer st OF THE MONTH: To all you vir-
gins—thanks for nothing.

А man told а co-worker that her hair smelled
nice. The woman stormed into her supervi-
sor's office, wanting to file a sexual harassment
suit. The supervisor was puzzled and asked,
“What's wrong with aco -worker telling you
your hair smells ni
The woman replied, “He's a midget.”

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm
still paying."

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor,
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

LIA лел.

"You're the first man who ever asked me to spit and not swallow.”

jerry
bruckheimer-
the king of
guy films—
attacks pearl
harbor. will
the critics
finally

surrender?

124

3OMES AWAY

hy do I do this? Three reasons. The
Y pay is good, the scenery changes and
they let me use explosives." —Rock-

hound, from Armageddon

It hangs there on a brick wall at thc
end of the hallway. A framed poster.
Four words. Big block letters. A simple
message. If you're heading toward Jerry
Bruckheimer's office, you can't miss it.
GET READY TO ROCK, it says.

Makes sense, of course. This is Bruck-
heimer. He's had 20 years of producing
brutal, brutally efficient testosterone-
fests. He's the man who brought you the
screaming jets and washboard abs of Top
Gun and the action, exertion and demo-
lition that made blockbusters out of Days
of Thunder, The Rock, Con Air and Arma-
geddon. If you add it all up, he's proba-
bly the most successful movie producer
ever: His films, videos and soundtrack
albums have brought in more than S11
billion worldwide, give or take a few mil-
lion. Lately, he's been producing CSI,
the hard-boiled crime show on CBS and
the most compelling new drama of the
past television season.

"Whether or not you agree with all his
movies, he makes movies that make peo-
ple go to the theater,” says actor William
Petersen, who stars in CSI. “That's a real
talent, and I don't know anybody who
does it better.”

So that’s Bruckheimer, He rocks—at
least, some of his movies do. (Not all of
them: He'll thank you to remember that
he also makes kinder, gentler pictures
like Dangerous Minds and Remember the Ti-
tans.) As for Jerry himself. if you step
past the eight-week-old golden retriever
and walk into his office, you'll find the
volume turned way down.

The place is slick: a 15-foot desk, lots
of black leather and chrome furniture,
buttons under his desk to control the
door and the big TV and audio system,
a sleek black laptop and a phone with
dozens of extensions. In the corner is a
book of Helmut Newton photographs so
massive that it requires its own chrome
stand. On the desk, in two decks of pol-
ished wooden trays, sit 40 Mont
Blanc pens.

At the moment, Jerry is on the | = ap

phone, speaking quietly. “We had |
a great meeting with lots of very
good ideas," he is saying. “But you
should be aware that the price
is not acceptable to Disney.” He |

hangs up. “Just dealing with a crisis on
Pearl Harbor.” he says placidly. “There
will be plenty more. Every day there's
going to be one.” Then he smiles.

That's vintage Jerry Bruckheimer.
Even though Disney's famously penuri-
ous ways nearly derailed a major motion
picture of his, Bruckheimer deals with
the penny-pinching calmly. “He is cer-
tainly a measured man.” says Peter
Schneider, chairman of Walt Disney Stu-
dios. “You know perfectly well when he's
upset with you, but he does not lose his
temper. He's a classy guy who's smart
and opinionated, but he also listens to
people.”

“It's the funniest thing I've ever seen:
He never raises his voice,” says Michael
Bay, who has directed Bad Boys, The Rock,
Armageddon and now Pearl Harbor for
Bruckheimer. “Never, ever. 1 get very
passionate, and ГЇЇ yell at him, |
you're fucking out of your fucking mind,
we can't fucking do this movie for the
fucking money! And there's dead si-
lence on the phone, and then he say
very calmly, ‘Don't worry, we're going to
get it done.’ He makes you want to kill
him—but somehow, through his confi-
dence, he instills confidence in you. And
he's always got that smile. People see
that smile, and they wonder, What is he
so happy about?"

Bruckheimer's smile is as well known
as his soft-spokenness. Ask him a ques-
tion, and he'll answer it politely. Then
he'll grin, just a little. Bay says he's be-
ginning to figure out the smile, but even
if you haven't been working with the guy
for a decade—particularly if you're
a member of the press, around whom
he has reason to

be wary—i’s pre- PROFILE 2Y STEVE POND

ty easy to get the
message. I know lots more, it implies, but
I'm not telling.

“Jerry has always been quiet,” says
Kathy Nelson, president of film music for
Universal Pictures and the Universal Mu-
sic Group. She has worked on soundtracks
with Bruckheimer for 17 years. “When

Jerry gets really quiet, it scares me.
He gets silent and dead!

“The United States government just
asked us to save the world. Anyone want
to say no?"—Harry Stamper, from
Armageddon

There's another imposing mes-
sage just (continued on page 154)

ILLUSTRATIONS BY ALAN MAGEE

126

practice your pickup lines. today’s trucks are hotter than ever

> Pickups, the official ride of
cowboys, construction workers and Clint Eastwood in The
Bridges of Madison County, have gone uptown. Lavishly ap-
pointed trucks are the transportation of choice to trendy
Clubs, beach picnics and five-star restaurants. It's no surprise
then that the country's two best-selling American vehicles
are Ford and Chevrolet pickups. Dodge, which sells more
trucks than it does cars each year, runs third. So far, Detroit
has monopolized the big-pickup market, but that's chang-
ing. Toyota is selling a V8-powered Tundra, and there's a
futuristic-looking bruiser on the way from Nissan. (The Tun-
dra's double-vishbone front suspension teamed with leaf-
spring rear suspension provides a remarkably supple ride.

An optional off-road suspension package is available, too.)
Ford remains the market leader, but Chevrolet's Silverado
2500HD packs the most powerful engine, a massive 6.6-liter
turbodiesel with 520 pounds per foot of torque. For years,
pickups were mostly unadorned workhorses, but now you
can spec your new truck with endless accessories. (If the fac-
tory doesn't offer what you want, there are plenty of after-
market firms that do.) Custom wheels, running boards and
lights are popular add-ons, along with special paint, trick ex-
hausts, bed liners and tonneau covers. Hot pickup trends
for 2001 include radical styling, shorter pickup boxes with
swing-out storage, four doors, bigger engines and sophisti-
cated, electronic all-wheel drivetrains. There's also a new

class of vehicles known as sport utility trucks. Lincoln just
launched the Blackwood, based on the Lincoln Navigator. The
air suspension-equipped Blackwood rides on 18-inch alloy
wheels. Luxury touches include a rear console, Alpine stereo
and a wood-trimmed stainless steel cargo bed with a motor-
ized tonneau cover. Watch for high-roller haulers to copy
this feature. The base price is $52,500. DaimlerChrysler has
shown a Power Wagon concept truck that evokes its mili-
tary-style postwar wagon. They say they have no plans to
build it. But since all these big bruisers are styled to imitate
over-the-road semis, and DaimlerChrysler owns Freightlin-
er, why not go all the way? By mating a tractor-trailer cab
with a Ram 3500 chassis and a souped-up Viper V10, DC

Cadillac Escalade EXT

A full-size combination of
SUV ond pickup, the EXT
should be in showrooms in
2002. Its chiseled grille ond
fenders hide o 345 hp V8,
four-speed HydraMatic oll-
wheel-drive, Coddy’s Sto-
biliTrok and rood-sensing
suspension. A midgate
folds into the cabin to cre-
ate an eight-foot cargo
bed. Price: maybe $55,000.

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD FEGLEY

could build the ultimate bad boy Freightliner pickup
Chevrolet's SUT entry is the five-passenger Avalanche
Ultimate Utility Vehicle. Based on the Suburban truck,
the Mexican-built Chevy features driving lights, matte-
black cladding and flying buttress cab supports. Cadillac
will join the fray in 2002 with its eye-catching Escalade
EXT, another clever marriage of SUV and heavy hauler
Caddy's research has identified a growing crowd who
already owns pickups, but who want their tucks with
jazzy trim.

Accordingly, the all-wheel-drive EXT is equipped with
a 345 hp V8. It also has StabiliTrak and a road-sensing
suspension, which adjusts to changing road conditions
for remarkable control in a vehicle of its size. Unlike the
Blackwood, which is a luxury pickup with a separate bed,
the EXT's rear seats fold, so the vehicle can be used as a
full-size pickup. With rear seats in place, it's a five-pas-
senger truck with a shortened bed. The EXT's high-
roller touches include Bose audio, ultrasonic rear-park-
ing assist and OnStar road assistance service. The price
will be announced in August. (We're guessing close to
$55,000.) “The EXT was on the drawing board before
Lincoln's Blackwood was announced,” says Escalade
brand manager Susan Docherty. “Lincoln hopes to sell
about 7000 Blackwoods. EXT sales could double that.”
Also check out GMC's high-performance Sierra C3,
hp all-wheel-drive hauler with sharp styling, impres
handling and a $39,000 sticker. That's the biggest V8 en-
gine you can get in a half-ton pickup. On the SUT side,
Ford's new Explorer Sport Trac is a contender, offering
comfort for five, with useful storage despite its abbreviat-
ed tail. Another fine Ford truck alternative is a special-
edition 260 hp F-150 four-door SuperCrew designed in
conjunction with Harley-Davidson. (Harley lover Jay
Leno bought one of the first regular cab H-D special edi-
tions.) The black Harley hauler is loaded with special
H-D trim, including eagle-embossed bucket seats and
humongous 20-inch wheels, Harley accessories are also
available for other Ford truck models. Start truckin’

Toyota Tundra Toyota's short-bed Tundra has the same
245 hp, 4.7-liter УВ that's in а Land Cruiser. Its doors are
hinged fore and aft for easy entry. Conservative and re-
fined, the Tundra is a reliable alternative to brawnier com-
petitors, yet its payload is a ton and its towing capability is
7200 pounds. Price: about $29,000 loaded.

Dodge Ram 1500 Styled like a big rig, Dodge's newest
Ram quad cab has a redesigned chossis and suspension,
four-wheel disc brakes, optional 20-inch alloy wheels and
a roomy cabin—plus such amenities as a shelf for your
laptop. Buy the 245 hp, 5.9-liter Magnum VB. The sissy
six-cylinder version is for secretaries. Price:$30,000 loaded.
Nissan Alpho-T Arguably the wildest concept pickup at
this year's Detroit Auto Show, the Nissan Alpha-T is a four-
wheel harbinger of the dramatic trucks of tomorrow. Un-
der the hood is a 300 hp, 4.5-liter VB. Nissan says a pro-
duction version will be built in Mississippi for sale in 2003
Cross your fingers. No word on price.

Ford F-150 Lightning Rod Ford is teasing truck lovers
with its radically chopped-and-lowered red 150 concept

A bold Maori art motif is repeated on the tonneau cover,
headliner, bucket sects and even on the tires. The Light-
ning Rod's 380 hp superchorged V8 sets a new horsepow-
er high for haulers. This baby screams fun. No price yet
Chevrolet SSR If you're into nostalgia, check out this
Fifties roadster-type concept truck. It’s a novel blend of
light pickup and sports car with power derived from a 300
hp, 6-liter VB. The transmission operates via buttons on
the steering wheel. Chevy hints the SSR will go on sale
sometime next year. Price? Maybe $40,000.

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 166

2202

222

P 2/24.

Яр

ИЕН

“It doesn't have to end like this, Margaret!”

129

ADS ¢ GRADS

1T, (^ Now that your son has moved out, it’s safe to keep some seriously cool stuff around. Left to right:

SPA E Bu Bang and Olutsen’s first-ever portable stereo, the BeoSound 1, includes an FM tuner and top-load-
ing CD player ($1500). The retrofuturistic design of Rado's Ovation watch is forged from materials tested in space
flight ($1600). Polaroid's PhotoMax digital picture frame lets your family share pictures with you instantly via the
Internet on its 5" x 7" LCD screen ($250, plus a $5 monthlyservice charge). Swiss Army's new Victorinox SwissChamp
XLT houses a magnifying glass, scissors, electrician’s blade and 47 other implements—the most of any of the com-
pany’s knives ($175). The rugged leather of Mulholland Brothers’ handmade Longhorn travel bag gives it a well-
worn appearance (from Bounty Hunter, $675). Playboy's Switch-It dart set includes three steel-tip and seven soft-
tip points (about $40). Below that is Audiovox’ CDM-9100 web-browsing cellular phone (about $250), which fits
securely in a Phone Port Organizer in black leather, by Filofax ($150). Get online without all the wires by using
Sony's e Villa Internet appliance. The buttons on the front of the unit's 15" vertical screen will instantly launch you
to the web, your e-mail or the e Villa Net guide ($500, plus a monthly charge of $22 for unlimited Internet access).

from bang and olufsen’s portable
stereo to apple's lightest laptop,
here are toys for the boys

G R Ds There isn't much time before those student-loan 4. kick in, so splurge now. Left to right:
A Panasonic's 27" flat-screen TV with built-in DVD player and VCR will save shelf space in your new

office (51300). If you're taking a summer road trip, wear Casio's GPS-2 (global positioning system) watch with puo

navigation screens and autotrack memory ($500). Also pack this sleek Porsche Design pocketknife, with:

tical toals ($140), and Polaroid's PDC 23002 digital camera with 2.3 megapixel resolution (5400): Mai

compli 009 is a combination cell phone, PDA and wireless messenger (about $600). The ZR21, by

is one cool carry-on. It’s assembled from high-strength aluminum and includes a combination lock

home office, hook up the EnGenius 5М-920 cordless phone system. It canjpenetrate 12 floors and works as a two-
way radio with other EnGenius handsets. Plus, esth base unit can support up to nine handsets ($300, additional
handsets $160 each). The hyper carbon construction of Wilson's Hyper Hammer 5.2 tennis racket is stiffer, stro
and 65 percent lighter than titanium ($180). The one-inch-thick Titanium PowerBook G4 by Apple weighs 5.3 роот
and houses а 500 MHz processor, 15.2-inch screen and DVD drive ($3500). Sony's second-generation Aibo
nizes more than 50 words and uses infrared sensors to maneuver and play with a ball. The robotic pooch respon
to sounds picked up through a microphone built info its head and can take pictures to be uploaded to your PC ($1

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO
WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 163.

wl |

“For the fifth and last time—satisfied?”

IA,

Jessica Lee reveals her
erogenous zones and
celebrates great oral sex

PLAYBOY: Do you dress up or dress down for sex?
JESSICA: "т not big on getting all dressed up. |
never dress in costume. If I find a cute lingerie
set, I’ll wear that on a special occasion. Other
than that, I'l! wear sweatpants. It's the sex, not the
outfit. pLaveoy: What's great foreplay? 1Essica: The
guy I’m with now is an amazing kisser, and that's what
sets it off for me. He starts kissing me. He starts touching me. He kisses
me everywhere. ртлүвоү: What part of the male anatomy turns you on? Jessica: I love
all of the male body—the chest, back, butt, legs, penis, even feet. PLavsov: Have you ever
made love someplace you could be caught? jessica: Ooh, yeah. My most memorable ex-
perience was in a parking garage stairway. It was late at night and I could hear people _
walking and parking their cars. But nobody walked into the stairwell, thank Ged. Я
PLAYBOY: Do you have a recurring sexual fantasy? Jessica: That would have to be a -
threesome—me, another girl and a guy. “Y 74

JESSICA IS SEX IN MOTION AT PLAYBOYCOM/CURRENT.

Edward Burns

PLAYBOY'S

200

new york’s indie movie mogul on being irish, grow-
ing up with cops and what to do with the hairy ass

H is first film, The Brothers Mc-
Mullen (1995), portrayed Irish
American siblings—and their tangled rela-
tionships—on suburban Long Island. It
caught the attention of Robert Redford and
won the grand jury prize at the Sundance
Film Festival, earning Edward Burns a
place among the top independent filmmak-
ers. It also did more than $10 million at the
box office, at a cost of $18,000.

Burns followed up his McMullen success
in the larger-budget film She's the One, with
Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz. His
third film, No Looking Back, a dark study of
working-class life, made it into video stores a
bit too quickly for Burns’ taste.

Burns is a control freak. He writes, pro-
duces, directs and stars in his own movies.
He displayed no early inclination toward a
career in film, though. Burns first set his
sights on writing, but an undistinguished
stint as an English major motivated him to
enroll in easier film courses

As the son of a New York City police offi-
cer, Burns is a pure New York guy's guy,
good company whether sharing a foxhole or
a pitcher of beer. His style impressed Steven
Spielberg enough to cast him as Private
Richard Reiben in Saving Private Ryan.
No audition was required. This past spring
he appeared as a Neu York City arson inves-
tigator opposite Robert De Niro's police de-
tective in Fifteen Minutes. With his current
film, Sidewalks of New York, Burns regains
his usual three screen credits: writer, director.
and star, and returns to a favorite haunt.

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker
trailed Buras along the sidewalks of lower
Manhattan. He reports: “We sat on a park
bench and talked for a couple of hours
Burns loves to describe New Yorkers as blasé
types who are unfazed by the celebrities in
their midst. Не may be right. Two women
waited until we'd finished taping before they
walked over and introduced themselves as
his fans."

PLAYBOY: You made your bones with ro-
mantic comedies, The Brothers McMul-

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JUSTIN CASE

len and She's the One. Isn't this genre
a cruel hoax on those of us who get
dumped or divorced or otherwise head
toward a rocky relationship after that
passionate kiss on a street corner?

BURNS: There are two reasons I started
with romantic comedies. Everyone can
relate to them. We've all been in rela-
tionships, and for most of us they don't
turn out well. They can be heartbreak-
ing, but as time passes you tend to
laugh about them, or at least laugh at
yourself. Also, romantic comedy is the
least expensive genre you can do. It's
just people sitting around talking.
There are no car chases, no explosions
and no special effects. If you do a mys-
tery or a crime drama, you're dealing
with gunplay. You need to rent weap-
ons. You need stuntpeople. And you
need special permits to bring a gun on-
to the streets of New York. Making a
film like The Brothers McMullen—and
even one like She's the One, which cost
only $3 million—was related to the
modest finances.

PLAYBOY: The Brothers McMullen has been
described as dark and out of focus.
Didn't you pay attention in film school?
BURNS: It better have been out of focus.
It was made for $18,000. We used re-
canned film stock. It’s stock that may

be was bought for a music video and
wasn't used but was loaded into a mag-
azine. You then take it out of the maga-
zine, put it back into the can. The stuff
can be a couple years old. It’s pretty
crappy. Lots of times we'd do a day's
shooting, and because we couldn't af-
ford to process anything until the end,
we had to keep it in the can. When we
did have it developed, we would get
stuff that was too dark or there would
be no image. We couldn't afford to go
back and reshoot, so those scenes just.
got cut. But I pride myself on McMul-
len. a 16-millimeter film—out of focus,
dark, the camera doesn't move much—

that was shot in my mom's house. Yet it.
made $10 million at the box office with
actors no one had ever heard of. The
only reason 1 became a filmmaker is
because I was writing screenplays and

didn't want to surrender control of

what 1 had written to somebody else.
The technical aspect was the second or
third thing down the list. If you tell an
engaging story, people will come.

PLAYBOY: You filmed scenes of The Broth-
ers McMullen on New York City
ber seven subway line and the Long Is-
land Railroad without permits. Are you
on more professional terms with the
Metropolitan Transportation Authority
these days?

BURNS: I'm sure if I tried to do it again,
I could. The reason we did it without
permits was that they were so expen-
sive and we were such a little crew. We
hid the camera under a jacket and
snuck on board. We pride ourselves
on going in stealth-bomber style, but
we're probably too well known now, so
we'll have to go for the permits and pay
the fee. It could take a big chunk out of
our budget—a couple of grand

PLAYEOY: You're the son of a New York
City policeman. For years you've prom-
ised to film a police story. Will we ev-
er get to see an Ed Burns treaunent of
the NYPD?

BURNS: | have written the script and
I'm trying to get it made. It's called On
the Job, and its a story of two genera-
tions of an Irish American family set
against the police department, from
1966 to 1972. It's about that side of po-
lice life you never see in a film, which
is growing up in a cop family. There's
always that weird vibe, knowing that
when your dad goes to work, he may
not come back. I remember when I was
a kid hearing on the radio about two

num-

137

PLAYBOY

138

cops shot in Brooklyn. One was named
Ed Burn. We found out he was a difler-
ent guy, a rookie cop.

PLAYBOY: Were you well served and
protected by having a father on the
force?

BURNS: When we were kids, he would
drive my brother—he's a year youn-
ger—and me into the city. He would
dump us in Washington Square Park,
tell a cop on duty to keep an eye on his
kids. He'd give us two hours in the
park by ourselves. He wanted us to get
a vibe for what was going on in the re-
al world. It was like, "Hey, the world
is not just Long Island. Look at all
these different people, all the different
things going on.” When he worked up
in Harlem, hed take us around and
show us. ^Hey, you want to be an ass-
hole, do drugs? Look at these guy
hanging out on the street. Is that what
you want?" He'd take us into a cell,
Show us tough guys who were locked
up. "Want to be a tough guy?" He'd
say. "This is one of your options." We
got a dose of reality very early on.

PLAYBOY: You plaved a fire department
arson investigator opposite police de-
tective Robert De Niro in Fifteen Min-
ules. Was this a stretch, considering
you're a policeman's son and there's a
rivalry between the police and fire de-
partments in New York City?

BURNS: Yeah. My dad's a retired cop,
my uncle's a retired cop. 1 have two
cousins currently on the job and anoth-
er cousin who's retired. They like to
break my balls about it, that I went
over to the other side. A lot of the po-
lice and fire guys grew up together. It's
ike rival high schools.

PLAYBOY: Just what does Edward Burns
see through those Irish eyes?

BURNS: I was brought up in а neighbor-
hood that was half Irish and half Ital-
ian. You always wore the fact that you
were Irish like a badge of honor. I grew
up with friends whose moms and dads
were off the boat from Ireland. They
spoke with brogues. They loved corned
beef and cabbage and soda bread and
the Clancy Brothers, and they forced
their daughters to take Irish jig classes.
But we were American kids. We loved
the Mets and the Yankees and rock and
roll. Then, as you got older, you start-
ed to identify with being Irish a little
more. Paddy's Day is a huge deal. Root-
ing for Notre Dame is a really big part
of being New York h. Who knows
what thar's about, but it's big. The ma-
jority of Irish immigrants came here

during the famine. They were the ur-
ter dregs of society. They couldn't get
work: “Irish need not apply.” A hun-
dred years later, JFK is in the White
House. There's that pride factor.
There's the clannish thing, the cultural
thing, and there's the Catholic thing as
well. And there's that gift of the gab.
That I'm a writer probably comes from
the blood pumping through my veins.

PLAYBOY: How has Entertainment Tonight
managed to stay on the air despite los-
ing your services as a gofer?

BURNS: 1 figured after I left it would
fold. Nobody could get coffee like I
could. 1 was the low man on the totem
pole. fetching coffee, lugging the lights
from shoot to shoot, driving the com-
pany van through the city. Every block
is a battle against cabs, and it was so

much fun. We got into a couple of

fender benders. They didn’t want to
deal with the insurance and we didn't
either, so you'd have a minor collision
and both look the other way and keep
on going. I miss that part of the job.

PLAYBOY: You put in several years work-
ing odd jobs and living in a run-down
New York apartment. Is paying dues
vastly overrated?

BURNS: І am totally nostalgic about
those lean years. You can’t help roman-
ticizing walking up four flights to a
one-room aparument with no hot wa-
ter, sitting at your old computer, bang-
ing away at that screenplay, keeping
your fingers crossed. You've got so
much hope and so much anger because
nobody is giving you the break you de-
serve. My girlfriend at the üme worked
in a bakery, but at the end of the day
there weren't chicken sandwiches or
lasagna left over. The only things left
were tiramisu and brownies. Those are
the things she would bring home, and
since we had no money, that's what
we would eat. 1 put on a good 15, 20
pounds. I was a very bitter guy.

PLAYBOY: Once and for all, explain New
York attitude to the rest of the country.
BURNS: When you walk down the street.
in New York, you're going to run in-
to the whole world. Everyone is rep-
resented here, and whether you love
them or hate them, I don't think any-
body would have it any other way. Be-
cause of that we have a totally different
perspective on things. You go to most
cities and there are a lot of white peo-
ple. New York has always been a big
immigrant city. My grandparents came
over from Ireland. You pride yourself‘
on the fact that we—and when I say we,

I mean everybody, first generation, sec-
ond or fourth—came over here with
nothing, figured it out and now are
kicking ass. There's a pride that comes
with that. We are New Yorkers. We're
tougher than the rest of you.

PLAYBOY: Sundance. Is it less pure than
it used to be?

BURNS: People who concern themselves
with that horseshit are focusing on the
wrong thing. 1 know some people knock
Sundance as just a showcase for film-
makers who want to break into Holly-
wood. But Redford and that festival
give so many people an opportunity to
show their work when all the other fes-
tivals turn them away. They can screen
that film for all those chic Hollywood
assholes everyone despises. But, hey,
they're the ones who are going to give
you your career and the opportunity to
make another film. You need them, so
stop bitching about them. I hope guys
with no connections will continue to
get in there. Audiences ought to be
thankful they're getting to see these
films. Do we really need any more TV
commercial directors directing fea-
tures? Granted, visually, they're beauti-
ful. Storywise? You know.

PLAYBOY: Robert Redford served as a
producer on two of your films. Do you
stay in touch?

BURNS: Once a year we'll touch base,
but that's about it. I don’t know exactly
how much Redford himself had to do
with it, but McMullen was rejected by
over 25 film festivals and accepted in-
to Sundance. He came to see the film
twice at the festival. When I got home
to New York, there was a message on
my machine from him congratulating
us on winning the grand jury prize. He
gave me his home number and ifl
ever had any problems or questions on
anything, I should feel free to give him
a call and he'd see if he could guide me
down the right path. At that ume in my
career 1 needed a mentor, and he filled
that role, I'm sure he's now doing the
same thing for someone who was at
Sundance last year.

prayvnoy: What's a decent interval be-
tween a film's theatrical run and its ap-
pearance at the video store? Are you
ai g for a Burns shelf at the local
Blockbuster?
BURNS: It's not so much how fast you go
to video, it's how long you were in the
theaters. We nicknamed No Looking
Back “Nobody Saw It.” It was in theaters
for, 1 think, six hours. Two showings.
(concluded on page 182)

City Girls a=

do real girls talk about SEX the way they do on

sex and the city?

See for Yourself

EPISODE 4: getting off in LA

When my three girlfriends met at the Chateau Mar-
mont’s swimming pool in Hollywood, our plan was to talk
about sex and drink margaritas. My friends, in their 20s
and 30s, included a rising starlet, an indie filmmaker and a
"D" girl (development producer girl with D cups). Because
practically everyone changes their name in Hollywood, we
changed ours to Stella (that's me), Tina, Christy and Misty.
As soon as we got our new names, we couldn't seem to stop.
talking about sex.

Stella: Have you ever masturbated in front of a guy?

I'm a little self-conscious about it if 1 don't know
the guy well. But for some reason I like watching him do it
Tina: When you start working yourself up, they want to
jump in and help. My last boyfriend liked watching mne
masturbate, then he would start masturbating, then we
would watch each other masturbate and wben we couldn't
take it anymore, he would stick it in.

Stella: I'm a premature ejaculator. But I can have two or
three orgasms per session. Sometimes I get so excited that
as soon as the guy sticks it in, I start coming. It’s like when
you first put a Tic Tac in your mouth and it feels so fresh!
After about a five-minute refractory period, I have anoth-
er, deeper orgasm. Once I had a boyfriend whose sex drive
wasn't as strong as mine, and I could have two or three or-
gasms to his one. If we're doing it for a while I can have an-
other orgasm that's short but intense.

Tina: This sounds pathetic, but I had a boyfriend once
who had one orgasm to my two or three. If I wasn't fully
satisfied and he fell asleep and I was still excited, 1 would . .
well . . . I would look at him and have to cuddle my own
self. The problems of being multiorgasmic.

Misty: Once I had a multiple orgasm in the Cineplex
Odeon. He fingered me while watching Henry and June. 1
was trying not to make noise, because I'm a moaner.
Stella: I'm sort of loud in bed too. I can't help it. I make
noises when I'm really into it. Moans, grunts, heavy breath-
ing. I like when a guy makes noises too. I hate when the
guy is quiet and doesn’t make noises or say anything.
Tina: If he is really quiet, I'm not sure if he's even getting
excited. Maybe he's losing his hard-on or something.
Stella: What about talking?

Tina: You know what I like? I know it's simple, but I love
it when a guy says, “You are so hot it’s unbelievable!” or
“I want you” or “You are so sexy.” That makes me feel
comfortable.

Stella: I agree. The biggest turn-on is when you know that
the other person really wants you and has to have you
right then.

Tina: On the other hand, one guy said right as I was com-
ing, “I want to give you a rim job.”

By ANKA RADAKOVICH

Misty: When a guy starts saying stupid shit to me, it's like,
shut up!
Tina: It was the first time we had sex, and he said it right
as I came.
Christy: 1 like when a guy whispers, “You dirty Іше slut."
Tina: I really, really hate that. That makes me cringe.
Christy: I like when a guy says, "Who's your daddy?"
Stella and Tina: Eeeww!
Tina: That makes me cringe. I love my dad, but I don't
want to be thinking about him while I'm getting laid!
Christy: I love it because I like to feel like daddy's naughty
little girl.
Tina: I like talking dirty before orgasm. In the heat of the
moment, it takes me over the top.
Stella: What's the best orgasm you've ever had?
Tina: Once my boyfriend and I went to the laundromat
and halfway through the wash cycle, we started talking
about what we would do to each other once we got home.
It was late and nobody else was around, so we started mak-
ing out. I yanked down his pants and put some liquid Tide
on his shaft and started jerking him off.
Mi: You did not!
Tina: OK, it was Wisk. Anyway, the next thing I know he
hiked up my dress, lifted me onto the vibrating washing
machine and started eating me out, with my panties still
on. Then he pulled me off the washing machine, pressed
me against the drier and fucked me standing up!
Stella: That is hot. If a guy wants to completely turn me
on, all he has to do is play with and/or kiss, lick or suck my
nipples and I practically have an orgasm without doing
anything else. My nipples are directly wired to my clitoris.
Misty: I like the guy to bite my nipples just as I'm coming.
i Since I've had my breast implants, I can't feel a
g- No sensation whatsoever in my nipples anymore.
Tina: Really?

isty: It's no big deal, because now that I have these big
get turned on just seeing the guy's face while he's
sucking them. That's a huge turn-on
Misty: One time I had a threesome with two guys in France
and they were so preoccupied with sucking le boobies, one
on each breast, that they couldn't speak. They didn't speak
English anyway, but what gave me the hugest orgasm was
the fact that they were both working on me at the same
time. One was on top of me and the other one was playing
with my breasts and fingering me. I had a gigantic orgasm.
Tina: You got to have the finger along with the dick. You
have to have finger action to get the juices going. Foreplay
is essential. They can't just stick it in. The combination
does it best for me. I have a hard time having an orgasm
with just one of them.

139

PLAYBOY

140

Stella: 1 had a boyfriend once who fin-
gered me better than he fucked me. He
hit my G spot every time. He was a gui-
tarist. It was the best finger sex 1 ev-
er had.

Tina: 1 get off when a guy takes his
johnson and teases me by rubbing the
head of it all over my pink. That really
juices me up. It's as good as the finger.
ys rarely think to do that.
But it feels good.

Stella: That's because they re too eager
to stick it in.

Duh.

If they'd just slow down.
Tina: 1 don't think most men even
think about the concept of foreplay. I
told one boyfriend that I wasn't enjoy-
ing sex with him because it ended prac-
tically as soon as it started—in three
minutes—and he had to do more fore-
play. That's when he asked, “Foreplay?
What do you mean?" He was clueless.
But 1 think it’s up to the woman some-
times to show men what we like. They
don't mind

Misty: I think being clueless is one rea-
son for it, but I had a boyfriend who
was just plain lazy. A total slacker.
Christy: I had one of those, too! It
was pure laziness. He wanted to just
lie there while I did all the work!
He would hand me the lube and say,
“Why don't you use your finger?" He
thought if 1 lubed myself up I would be
ready to go.

Tina: Men need to cater to the ladies
more. We cater to them. My boyfriend
is cool, though. He actually works at
making me come. When he goes down
on me, sometimes he uses a vibrator on
me and I have a great orgasm. And he
uses it on my clit, and sticks it inside
me. then licks and sucks me all the way
to an orgasm.

Stella: You know what turned me on
the most about going to the sex club? It
wasn't so much watching people, be-
cause even though this is LA, the peo-
ple were out of shape and a lot of them
were gross and hideous.

Tina: You mean the cast of Baywatch
wasn't in attendance?

Stella: What turned me on were the or-
gasm sounds. At one point I shut my
eyes and just listened. It was a turn-on
to listen to people having orgasms.
They went off every five minutes, like a
snooze alarm. 1 heard small ones, me-
dium ones, multiple ones.

Christy: That's what I like about porn
leos. The sound of the money shot,
Ға rather hear it than see it, ГИ rewind
to hear that again. But 1 hate the ri-
diculous sound effects of vibrators.
Tina: I never really considered vibra-
tors until I told this guy I was dating 1
wanted one- He surprised me with one.
1 was shy and embarrassed at first, but
then I was like, whoa! This is great!

It enhanced my orgasm. But then he
wouldn't let me take it home! I'm hap-
py with my vibrator. It's my friend. It
has veins. It comes in handy when
three o'clock in the morning and you
don't want to wake anyone up.

: I start giggling when some-
body turns on a vibrator. It sounds
stupid, like an appliance or a Waterpik.
They have those butterfly vibrators
that you put in your underwear and
walk around with all day. I want to try
one of those. It would be interesting to
have an orgasm in public

Stella: But what if you're in an elevator
and somebody tells you to turn down
your vibrator?
Tina: Have you tried those silicone dil-
dos? You can put them in hot water
and they heat up to body temperature.
Misty: It's like a hot beef injection.
Stella: I don't need dildos. 1 don't use
them. I'm so horny that all I have to do
is see a cute guy on the street and touch
myself for two seconds. Getting off for
me is no problem. Plus, dildos smell
weird

Misty: I love the names for dildos, like
Deep Stroker and the Satisfier. The
Thruster.

Christy: Long Dong Silver. I saw one
called the Vibrating Lunar Anal Probe.
The box said, "Its sensual plastic rip-
ples will take you to the moon.”

Tina: Have you seen the Jeff Stryker?
It hasa rotating head.

Stella: Have you seen those ridiculous
foreskin vibrators? 1 saw them at the
Pleasure Chest—they look like a penis
wearing saggy pantyhose.

Tina: I would love to strap on a dildo
and fuck some guy up the ass. But T
can't find anyone vho will let me do it.
Stella: 1 know an Italian producer who
would be perfect for you!

Christy: I’m not interested in the

bunghole. I'm not interested in having
my anus violated or violating anyone
else's.

Tina: I have anal sex one out of 50
times. It's so dirty and naughty.

Stell

Have you ever given or received

Tina: Yeah, but I never thought to ask
for it. The next thing I knew, he was
licking my butthole. Licking it like he
was licking frosting!

i That was nice of him.

Tina: He was a record producer. A real
jerk. Speaking of assholes, 1 went out
with this male model once. He was re-
ally an idiot.

f he was such an idiot, why

: He was hot.

What happened?

Tina: We had an anal one-nighter
Anyway, while we were doing it on а

hotel rooftop standing up, he started
poking my butt and kind of jammed
his finger up there, but 1 was too drunk
to notice. The next day I woke up with
a hemorrhoid. A hemorrhoid! About
six months later, 1 saw him in New
York doing runway at Tommy Hilfiger.
ommy Hilfinger.
But at the time did you like it?
Tina: I thought at the time, Hey. man.
this feels all right. If he wants to do it,
go ahead.
Stella: Did you know that you can im-
prove your orgasms yoursel:
Christy: 1 had no idea. How?
Stell: he best way to have control is
10 do Kegels. You can control your
muscles down there. You need to do
your Kegels. 1 swear to God I've had
killer orgasms because of Kegels! Kegel
your way to better orgasms! And it
works for guys too. They can have bet-
ter orgasms sucking in their sphincter
muscles. I have been Kegeling every
day for a year and I swear I've been
having better orgasms during sex and
when I masturbate. I'm sorry, but I
want to have a fierce pussy!
Tina: Nothing wrong with that. One
guy told me I had a voodoo vagina. But
he meant it as a compliment. I had a
snappin ‘gina!
Stella: Speaking of muscle, do you get
off morc on a huge dick, a moderately
huge dick or a monster dick?

I'm à size queen. When I see a big juicy
hard dick I know it's going to feel good
and fill me up! I am so excited when
a guy has a hard-on and I can see it
through his jeans. Then I can't keep
my hands oll it. Especially in public
and under the table. I've had the best
orgasms with guys with big dicks. I
think it's psychological.

Tina: 1 like a nice medium-size dick. A
huge one hurts! I'm small, I'm really
tight. When I go to the gynecologist
she has to use the smallest speculum
because I'm so tight in there. And
sometimes when 1 have an orgasm be-
fore the guy does, my pussy sort of
clenches his penis and tightens up on

him. He likes that.
Stella: I go for the monster dicks. The
bigger, the better. And 1 like the head
to be big, too. I'm not going to apolo-
gize for liking big ones. Guys don't
apologize for liking big breasts. You
never hear guys saying.

“1 like a really

y: You like a small one? Why?

Christy: Just kidding. But penis size is
not the most important thing. I have to
say, guys with smaller dicks are nicer.
‘They aren't so arrogant and cocky and
they're into giving oral sex and making
sure you have an orgasm. They have to
(continued on page 156)

“Гое been seriously thinking of converting to a religion with better-looking virgins.”

141

A T WAS ONLY four years ago
that Brande Roderick loaded her
belongings into a rented Ryder
truck, waved goodbye to her fam-
ily, left the idyllic wine country
of California and headed south—
bound for Hollywood and, she
hoped, for glory. Since then, she
has slept on friends’ couches,
borrowed cars, taken acting class-
es, struggled to find work and

watched her struggles pay off.
‘There were acting jobs on shows
such as Beverly Hills 90210 and
appearances in national com-
mercials. There was the eve-
ning she went out dancing and
was invited to join PLAYBOY Edi-
tor-in-Chief Hugh M. Hefner at
his table. There were the months
she spent living in the Playboy
Mansion with Hef, Sandy and
Mandy Bentley and Jessica Pais-
ley. There was her Playmate of
the Month pictorial in April 2000
and her season-long stint on

PHOTOGRAPHY BY
STEPHEN WAYDA

143

Brande’s first car in Hallywaod was o $1200 wreck with bad brakes and a dented daor. The Playmate af the Year deserves foncier wheels,
and here they are: a Porsche Boxster, the company’s stylish and powerful successor to its classic roadsters of yore—ond far those Cali-
fornia days when even a canvertible seems too confining, a Buell Blost, the light, ogile motorcycle designed as a fun intraduction ta
cycling. When she hits the beach she'll definitely need the Rabbit Head surfboard. Well, what self-respecting Playmate and Baywatch
star would be without one? “PLAYBOY ond Baywatch,” she says, “have brought me ta where | am naw.”

Baywatch Нашай.

And now. to cap it off, Bran-
de Nicole Roderick is PLAYBOY'S
Playmate of the Year for 2001
“I have to laugh about it,” she
says. “I didn't have a car, I
didn’t have a job, I was sleeping
on people's couches. When I
think about where I am now, I
can't believe where I started."

These days, of cou the fo-
cus is on where Brande is go-
ing. Already, her Playmate of
the Year reign is off to a splashy
start: Sh: id Hef w fe
tured on the hit comedy Just
Shoot Me, announcing Brande's
tide and playing themselves in
a fantasy scenario at the fashion
magazine where the likes of D:
vid Spade and Laura San
como work. “The show had Hef
and me taking over the com-
pany,” she says with a smile
“Basically, it was Laura's worst
nightmare.”

It doesn't sound like a night-
mare to us—but the show was
certainly an appropriate way
to kick things off for a young
woman (Brande turns 27 this
month) who's been showing up
on TV a lot lately, from Ba
watch Hawaii to the news pri
grams that lavished attention
on her when she became in-

d with rLAYBOY's founder
just as Hef was reclaiming his
tide as the king of nightlife. “L

d a lot in that period of
she says fondly.

“Now,” she reports,
thing's falling into place.” Bran-
de has a new house that she
and her cocker spaniel, Mer-
cedes, share with fellow Bay-
watch alum Stacy Kamano. Her
younger brother is about to
make her an aunt for the first
time, which thrills her. And she
has great plans for her Play-
mate of the Year reign (lots of
charity work for the City of
Hope) and her
to have my ov
says. “Probably another drama.
I want to do a sitcom. Feature
films. Radio. Theater. I have all
these different ideas for logos
and merchandise. I want to do
it all.”

She laughs; only four years
after packing that truck and
taking one big risk, Brande
Roderick is eager to take lots
more. “It seems as if there's
not even enough time in a life-
time to do all the things that I
want to do," she says. "But I'm
working on it."

“It's extremely hard physically and mentally, but I'm definitely more relaxed than 1
used to be,” says Brande of posing for our cameras. “And you can make it fun.” Being
chosen the 2001 Playmate of the Year, she adds, was also fun, “Of course, in the back
of your head you're always hoping, but when I got the call I was completely shocked.”

‘THERE'S MORE BRANDE AT PLAYBOY COM CURRENT,

AND MUCH MORE FOR MEMBERS АТ
CYBER PLAYBOY COM.

PLAYBOY

154

«езу BRUCKHEIMER

(continued from page 124)
outside Bruckheimer's office, but this
one isn't emblazoned across a promo-
tional poster. Instead, it's hand-painted
on the side of a five-and-a-half-foot
bomb casing that dates back to World
War II. TO: ADMIRAL ISOROKU YAMAMOTO.
IMPERIAL jar:
CREW OF BATTLESHIP ARIZONA. PEARL HAR-
BOR, HAWAII. AIR MAIL 1942. SPECIAL DELI
ery This particular message was never
dispatched, although plenty of similar
ones were. Instead, it sat in the Officers
Club on the famed military base, and
recently wound up in an auction,
where it was bought as a gift by Bruck-
heimer's wife, the producer, editor and
novelist Linda Bruckheimer.

There is, he knows, a lot riding on
Pearl Harbor. Bruckheimer sees the
movic as his first attempt at a David
Lean-style epic: It has gunfire and ro-
mance, heroism and friendship and
love and jealousy, turbulent emotions
against à backdrop of momentous
events. And its development was turbu-
lent, too. The movie's original sc
budgeted out in excess of $200 mil-
lion—a figure that former Disney stu-
dio chairman Joe Roth might have
approved. But others—most notably
Roth's boss, Michael Eisner—were not
so generous, so Bruckheimer and Bay
whittled the budget to about $145 mil-
lion. They thought they had a green
light at that figure, but then Roth left.
the studio. "When he left," says Schnei-
der, “I had a mandate, which was, "You
can't spend that kind of money.’ So Jer-
ry, Michael and I sat down and came to
a reasonable solution.”

In the end, Bruckheimer and Bay
accepted a $135 million budget by dra-
matically cutting their fees, agreeing to
surrender a share of the gross in ex-
change for a larger share if the box-of-
fice take reached a certain point, and
personally guaranteeing any cost over-
runs. “Emotionally, 1 was the biggest
wreck I'd ever been in my life,” says
Bay. "A movie like this can go $10 mil-
ion over in a heartbeat, and I was
thinking, I'm going to be financing
Disney. 1 can't do this. But Jerry kept
me in the game. He's like a pit bull you
cannot get rid of. After | quit four
times, he was still saying, ‘It’s too good.
You can't let this pass us by."

Before he committed to directing the
movie, Bay insisted on a test: He shot
footage of a real Japanese Zero fighter
plane over the Pacific Ocean, gave it to
the Industrial Light and. Magic special
effects firm, and asked it to add two
fake Zeros behind the real fighter. "In
fact," says Bruckheimer, "the real one
looked phonier than the fake ones." In
the end, the filmmakers used about a

dozen genuine World War II planes,
while ILM supplicd cverything else.
Casting, meanwhile, caused prob-
lems of its own. Even though the film
was a S100-million-plus epic, Bruck-
heimer and Bay had to ask actors to cut
their fees. "All the money that would
have been paid to the actors," Bruck-
heimer says, "had to go on the screen.”
Ben Affleck agreed to take one of the
lead roles for what the producer says
was "virtually nothing, for him"; Josh
Hartnett and actress Kate Beckinsale
took the other two main roles. Gene
Hackman, whose wife is of Japanese
ancestry, declined the role of President
Roosevelt; it went to Jon Voight in-
stead. Kevin Costner offered to cut his
fee to play General James Doolittle—
but. in the end, he wasn't willing to cut
it enough, so Alec Baldwin stepped in.
“1 just believe in the idea, I believe in
the script, I believe in the director,”
says Bruckheimer of his fights to get
the movie made. "It's a historic movie
about something that should be memo-
rialized. We interviewed about 70 sur-
vivors, and they said, "Make the film
quick, because we're dropping like
flies." He shakes his head. "There's an
enormous amount of courage that
went into Pearl Harbor, and an enor-
mous amount of death and loss. Ya-
mamoto sent two waves of fighters
and was concerned our other carriers
might be close by, and that he'd take
some losses if he sent in another wave.
But had they gone in for a third wave,
they would have hit Chicago before we
could put an army together. And we'd
all be speaking Japanese now
In the end, Bruckheimer says, film-
ing went smoothly; all the delays
wound up giving him and Bay more
time to prep. “It was the hardest pic-
ture just to green-light,” he says. “But
once we got that, because we'd been
preparing for so long, it was relatively
easy to get started. Michael had already
shot the movie, in his head.” (Bay was,
on occasion, forced to be creative: To
shoot a graphic hospital scene but also
make the PG-13 rating that Disney de-
manded, he reportedly invented a new
type of camera lens that blurred every-
thing around the edges of the frame.)
“As movies go, especially for one this
size, it’s been terri says Bruck-
heimer. “We had one accident where a
plane went down, but fortunately the
pilot only broke a finger. And that was
pretty much the only tough thing that
happened—knock on wood.”
But the nearest wood is on his desk.
across the room, so Bruckheimer
knocks on shiny black plastic instead.

Stanley Goodspeed: "I'll do my best.”
Mason: “Your best? Losers always whine

about their best. Winners ga home and fuck
the prom queen.” — from The Rock

Through all these years and all those
blockbusters, Bruckheimer is only cer-
tain about two movies he's made. The
first time he saw them, he knew Beverly
Hills Cop and Armageddon would be big
hits. “Other than that,” Bruckheimer
says, “they're all shocks to me.”

He does not, he insists, know what
the people want. “I think it constantly
changes,” he says. “I mean, I'm а stu-
dent of that. And I'm interested in the
same movies they are. I'm kind of lost
ina period when I was in my late teens
and early 20s, and that's what I still
gravitate toward. You can bet that a
huge picture at the box office is also a
picture I like a lot.”

Growing up in a lower-middle-class
family in Detroit, Bruckheimer knew
by his early 20s that he'd like to head
for Hollywood; director David Lean's
epics The Bridge on the River Kwai,
Lawrence of Arabia and Doctor Zhivago
influenced him powerfully. First Bruck-
heimer went into the advertising busi-
ness, starting in the mailroom but soon
producing eye-catching, award-win-
ning spots. After just four years with
the high-powered New York agency
BBD&O, though, he turned his back
on a lucrative Madison Avenue career
when he got an offer to work as the as-
sociate producer on a small 1972 West-
ern called The Culpepper Cattle Compa-
ny. Bruckheimer walked away from a
$70,000-a-year job (“a lot of money at
the time’) to take a Hollywood gig that
paid ten grand and offered no security.
“I wanted to be able to tell stories for
longer than 60 seconds,” he says

In Hollywood, he tried to gain notice
by working harder than anybody else,
and the pictures came steadily enough
10 keep him in business: He produced
Farewell My Lovely in 1975, March or Die
two years later. “I always had my eye on
the ball,” he says. “But I kept my reel of
commercials, in case | needed it.”

In 1980 he produced Paul Schra-
der's sleck American Gigolo, one of the
first films to use pop music (in this case,
the Blondie song Call Me) to sell a pic-
ture. Three years later, he made a deal
with Don Simpson, a former Para-
mount production chief. The two men
tackled what seemed to be a preposter-
ous project about a woman who works
sburgh steel welder and does
surprisingly elaborate pseudo-strip-
teases in a weirdly high-tech working-
class bar, but she really wants to be a
ballet dancer. Lots of people in and
outside Paramount hated Flashdance—
but by the time Simpson, Bruckheimer
and director Adrian Lyne were fin-
ished with it, the titillating fairy tale
grossed over $100 million and spawned

(continued on page 184)

“He followed me home, Mom. Can he keep me?”

155

PLAYBOY

156

City Girls

(continued from page 140)
compensate for having a small dick and
they love to go down there. As far as size
goes, it's really the whole package.

Tina: So big dick men should learn from
small dick men.

mean, if they want us to suck
them off, they have to lick our pussies.
That's the rule. I can't believe how many
guys don’t know how to lick effectively.
Maybe half of the guys don't offer
to do it because they don't want to do
anything that they're not good at. I also
think that men get absorbed in their own
pleasure. They get lost in the moment
and forget about pleasing us.

Chri: actly.

just because you have a big dick
d t mean you always know how to
use it. Guys of all sizes want you to blow
them before they give you an orgasm,
and then you're not satisfied.

Stella: Have you ever had an orgasm
doggy-style? A lot of guys like to finish
off with doggy-style.

HORA GE E

Christy: Doggy-style hurts! It finishes off
my bladder!

Stella: Really. It’s like, Can you pump
my bladder a little harder?

Christy: You're done. I'm in pain. And
now I have to pee.

Tina: | have to disagree with you there.
1 love doggy-style. And if a guy reaches
his fingers around, I can come that way
Stella: Men like doggy because they not
only get to look at your ass and spank it
if they want, but they also like how their
woodrow feels in that position. But I
don't know if that's the most comfortable
position for a lot of women.

Christy: I don't think there is one posi-
tion that's best. Sometimes I like a 69
cause 1 like hearing both of us making
those sucking sounds!

Tina: Sixty-nine makes me lose my fo-
cus. I'm trying to be a good fellator and
have an orgasm at the same time, and Га
rather focus on one thing,

Misty: I've had success in a number of
positions. It depends on how much fore-
play there i

Tina: I don't like missionary because my

boyfriend is big and tall and I hate being
crushed to death!

Christy: 1 love missionary! I like to look.
into the guy's eyes. There is something

е to see him getting
really turned on and looking at me. And
1 like to grab his butt cheeks in that posi-
tion while he's thrusting away. Call me
old-fashioned.

Tina: Sometimes I like heavy eye contact
during sex because it's romantic; at oth-
er times I like it to be more porno, more
anonymous.
Misty: The cowgirl position is interest-
ing too because you can ride him while
you sit on top and bend vour legs. An-
other thing I love is when you lie on
your stomach and he's on top of you
You can feel his balls as he's pumping
away. 1 like getting slapped by his balls.
Tina: Sometimes when I'm lying on a
flat surface, like the floor or the kitchen
table, and I'm in the
tion, I let out pussy farts! In the heat
of the moment, I can hear my queefing.
It sounds really squishy. But I had a
boyfriend who was actually turned on by
the sound of my pussy farts!

He liked them? What was his

Tina: He was Turkish.

Misty: I like the flat surface of a wall. I
like doing it standing up. You can use
the wall for support.

Tina: I had a guy lift up my legs on the
couch, then sort of bend his knees in as
he controlled the thrusting. That's a
good position if you want to watch him
go to town on you. Then ifhe gets tired,
he can always flip you around. I ne to
do more than one position per se:
Misty: I also like sitting in the sink while
he “cleans me up" with his tongue.
Stella: Once I had sex on the kitchen
counter. It was sexy, but the problem was
1 kept banging my head on the toaster.
Sill I came.

Christy: Do you expect an orgasm every
time you have sex?

Tina: Why shouldn't we? Guys do. But I
think we have to be responsible for our
own orgasms. You can't always expect
the guy to “give” you an orgasm.

M f we always waited for them to
give us one, half the time we wouldn't
have them. You have to figure out which
positions hit the right spot. But it's dif-
ferent with each guy; that's what makes
it confusing. With one boyfriend. for
some reason, the old missionary position
felt the best, but with the next guy. bor-
ing—it didn’t work
Tina: You know wh;

When

s really he

you sit on top of a guy on a chair, facing
him. Everybody gets a good view that
way. I like that position because he gets а
great view of my shaved baldy. And he
can rub my nipples and look at me. And

the chair

ves him support.
eah, but what about the stains?
you get love juice all over the chair?

^
ub
V |
|
VE (i
et
Hecho ei шик
‘ico. Desde

PLAYBOY

158

Tina: I did, actually. I ruined a chair.
Stella: Remind me to never let you
house-sit.

Tina: I like the woman-on-top position.
That rules.

But doesn't the dick pop out in
jon?

t can, but that's the fun of it—
you get to keep shoving it back in.
Christy: Sometimes, when 1 have my pe-
riod, I feel like giving my boyfriend a
blow job and I love making him come. I
like having control over his pleasure.
Stella: Do you like having sex during
your period?

Yeah! It relieves my cramps. Or-
gasms can be medicinal. Bur it helps for
only about an hour.

Tina: I had a boyfriend who was real-
ly uptight and got mad that I got peri-
od blood on his designer sheets. What
a tightass. He made me sleep on the
wet spot.

M Chat is wrong.

Tina: If a guy's really trying, I don't get
mad. That doesn't necessarily make for
bad sex if you don't have an orgasm
every time. But if every time 1 had sex
with him and he was selfish, I'd get real-
selfish, he's history.
stis when a guy doesn't
even care if he gives you an orgasm. Sex
is about giving each other pleasure. It's
supposed to be fun for everyone.

WOW! T just
discovered a
pe рее I Nant
t help me Spend it?

Stella: I guess if there's one thing men
know how to do, it's have an orgasm.
Christy: The problem is timing.

Stella: Exactly. I think our bodies are
wired a bit differently. While women are
trying to have an orgasm, men are trying
not to.

Misty: I agree. I have the best orgasms
when 1 have oral sex. I can come really
fast that way, but I have to get warmed
up. 1 like him to go down on me first.
then I lick and suck his woody for a
while, then after he's really excited, I
make him come.

Tina: Practically every guy I've been
with has come too fast. Sometimes I get
sick of hearing, “Sorry I exploded in 30
seconds.”

Stella: Maybe we ought to send out
e-mails with slo-mo techniques.

Tina: Have you ever had sex on ecstasy?
Misty: Yeah, but I couldn't come be-
cause 1 was too high. I felt numb down
there. I can't come until I come down.
Christy: I love ecstasy because it makes
me hug all night. And I'm a hugger.
Stella: [ had sex on mushrooms once
and [ was so high I couldn't even locate
my vagina.

Tina: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Stella: Never. 1 don't believe in it. If
he thinks you're satisfied, he'll do even
less work.

Christy: The best is when you come at

is a fest
line. pe

the same time he does.
Misty: But what about the semen?
Christy: 1 don't mind worshiping a guy,
but I'm not going to worship his ejacu-
late. Why do guys think we love their se-
men so much?
I hate when guys want to come
ce. I think it's disrespectful.
Tina: Why do guys think we would even
like that?
Christy: It's because guys watch too
many face-squirting pornos! I saw one in
a video store the other day that had 100
facial shots.
Stella: The female equivalent would be
having an orgasm and squirting our dis-
charge on a guy's face. Would he enjoy
that? Let's get real. But we're supposed
to enjoy his semen. Im just not into it.
Squirting it on my face and hair is not a
treat. 1 love men and love sucking them
and I love their dicks, but their semen is
just OK. But I have to say I love watch-
ing a guy come, and I really love seeing
it squirt out. Just not on my face.
"Tina: Have you seen that How to Female-
Ejaculate video?
Misty: What is that?
Tina: Th har: 's where a bunch of women, I
s a lesbian thing, sit around and
ate together with gigantic vibra-
d take turns female-ejaculating as
t cam" moves in.
Christy: l've never heard of that.
Tina: Yeah, apparently only five to 10
percent of women can do it. Bisexual
women and lesbians are into it.
Misty: Why would you want to do it?
Tina: Some women can't help it. It's the
G spot that gets stimulated and some
women expel fluid from there. My cous-
in can do it and she told me she acciden-
tally squirted her husband in the eye
once. That's how she discovered it.
Stella: The next time he went down on
her he wore safety goggles
Christy: The thing I have a hard time
with is how guys act after they come.
Stella: That's when you can tell whether
they really like you or not.
Misty: That's the time I want to hug and
hear, "Run away with me forever, cara
mia!" But instead. 1 usually hear some-
thing like, "Boy, did I ever lose a big
load!" or in the words ofa surfer dude,
“I totally blew my nuts!”
Stella: Hey, want to hear something real-

Christy: 1 love anything that starts with
that que:
Stell ne d time I did it with this guy
and it was great and he gave me three
orgasms, but afterward, I got up to go
to the bathroom and I stepped on the
condom that he'd thrown on the car-
pet. Then the dog came into the room,
smelled it and ate it.

That's disgusting.

Tina: That's hilarious.

Christy: Naughty doggy.

CHARLIE SHEEN

(continued from page 82)
PLAYBOY: How long did you spend in the
Philippines?
SHEEN: On and off, eight months
PLAYBOY: Laurence Fishburne, who was
in the movie, was young at the time. Did
you guys hang out?
SHEEN: Yeah. He borderline introduced
me to pot. He and Emilio were going to
the dompas, the Philippine whorehouses.
In fact, Larry wore a T-shirt on the set
that said pomra v. He was a graduate
But as usual, though they'd let me have
a little grass, at some point they'd send
me back to my hooch. 1 was 10 and
turned 11
PLAYBOY: Why did you choose to go by
the Sheen name instead of your real
name, Estevez?
SHEEN: Emilio had already used Estevez,
and I'd always been a Charlie as op-
posed to a Carlos, which is also my real
name. I just thought Sheen had a better
ring to it. A little more Anglo. And I
thought I should keep the name going
after Dad was gone or retired or both.
PLAYBOY: You've complained that after
doing 50 movies people still only talk
about Platoon and Wall Street.
SHEEN: It's like they're the same movie.
That Oliver Stone film you did, Platoon
WallStreet. That's how it sounds.
PLAYBOY: Аг one point Oliver Stone of-
fered you the role of Ron Kovic in Bom
on the Fourth of July. How did you feel
when lom Cruise got it?
SHEEN: Disappointed. Hurt. Oliver took
me to dinner with Ron a few times, and
we started talking. He said we were go-
ing to have a relationship like Scorsese
and De Niro, and that this was the next
movie. He said Al Pacino wanted to do
the movie, De Niro wanted to—every-
body wanted to—and "I'm going to give
you this movie." I said, "Wow, this is
exciting." There were some rewrites to
be done and then he was going to Cuba
and couldn't be reached, and, “I'll call
you when I get back." 1 didn't hear from
him long past his return date. Then
Emilio called me and said, “Dude, I've
got some bad news." I thought, Fuck,
somebody died. He said, "Are you sit-
ting down? Cruise is doing Born on the
Fourth." 1 said, “Oh fuck, wow."
PLAYBOY: How pissed were you?
SHEEN: | wouldn't have cared if Oliver
had called me personally, based on what
we'd been through. We fought two wars,
you know. But here was a crucial point
for both of us, and he couldn't even call
me and say, “I've changed my mind. I've
made a mistake. I'm going with Tom."
That I'd respect. I'm a firm believer in
you can't lose something you never had,
but I kind of had it for a while. So yeah,
I was very disappointed. But at least it
went to a capable actor who did a phe
nomenal job. Nothing is worse than not
getting a job, and then it goes to some

SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Cigar
Smoking Can Cause Lung Cancer And
Heart Disease.

@YAMAHA Watch whe idi
BILL JUST WASN'T PAYING
ATTENTION. WHY ELSE WOULD HE

RUN INTO A DOCK LIKE THAT?

PLAYBOY

160

schmuck who pisses all over it.
PLAYBOY: How badly did it hurt your re-
il Stone?

4 of the end of it. I
liant filmmaker. Га
love to work with him again, and I think
the timing is good for us to have a bit of
a reunion at some point.

PLAYBOY: You're serious?

SHEEN: Of course! He's Oliver Stone
[chuckles]. 1 might have been pissed, but
I'm not stupid. He's still revered as a ge-
nius and I'm in the middle of a come-
back. The two of us hooking up would
be really interesting.

PLAYBOY: Alter you got sober, you made
Rated X, a Showtime movie about the
Mitchell brothers, the adult-film entre-
preneurs who, among other things,
made Behind the Green Door. Emilio
rected and played Jim; you were Artie,
the self-destructive brother, who eventu-
ally died. Why get sober and then do a
movie that, in a sense, plunged you right
back into that world?

SHEEN: ] saw the opportunity as no coin-

cidence, again. There was a reason my
first substantial role after rehab was to
play a maniac whose personal story end-
ed badly. I knew what it was like to go to
those dark places and I got to go home
every night after shooting with the re-
minder that 1 don't have to live like that
anymore. I played a guy who died as a
result of his abuse, so any time I even be-
gan to think, Good God, what am I miss-
ing, that thought was replaced with, I'm
playing a dead man. That's a gift. It was
like a big overcoat I put on when I got to
work and then just took off afterward.
PLAYBOY: Your dad urged you not to do
the movie. How hard did you have to
work to change his mind?

SHEEN: Not much, because while he
yelled at Emilio about it on the phone,
he talked rati
"Are you sure? I mean. . . ." He was pick-
ing my brain. Then he'd call Emilio and
say, "You motherfucker, you're going to
lead him back into the pit of insani-
ty, and it's going to be your fault! We've
all worked so hard and he's worked so

"She's still nagging me to put up a fence in the backyard."

hard." I would only hear this second-
hand, from Emilio. But at the end of the
day, my dad had confidence. The day we
теа a party scene in the office, with
girls and blow and drinks and all that
weirdness, it was my actual sobriety date.
My first anniversary.

PLAYBOY: You and Emilio were estranged
for years because of your substance
abuse. Is it poetic justice that his charac-
ter kills your character in the movie and,
symbolically, gets to kill the old Charlie?
SHEEN: Interesting. We thought about
swapping roles for about 10 seconds and
realized it would be a lie. I never thought
about that last bit. That's pretty
PLAYBOY: And now the new Ch:
Spin City. How did that happen?

SHEEN: Alter | got out of rehab I hired
a couple of managers—my first. They
asked me what I wanted and I
word: respect. Not a jet, not a big mov-
ie, respect. Next thing, they said Jeffrey
Katzenberg from DreamWorks had
called, and would I come in. I ended up
doing Sugar Hill, a pilot for Gary David
Goldberg, who also produces Spin City.
1t didn't get picked up, but 1 moved on.
Then I was watching the Golden Globes
with my friend Adam, and we were talk-
ing about Mike Fox being sick and leav-
ing the show. As a joke I said, “They're
probably going to call me to replace
him." Adam said, "Yeah, right. If you get
the job, get me a job." Two days later, I
was driving back from a voicc-over I did
for CNBC.com, and they called for me
to replace him.

PLAYBOY: Your reaction?

SHEEN: Be careful what you wish for. I
asked for 24 hours. I called my parents,
I called my brother, I called friends. I
called my therapist and my drug coun-
selor. Everybody was thumbs-up.
PLAYBOY: lt seems that lately, from Rated
ity, your career has given you
5 to if not actually repudiate
your former life, then at least confront it
publicly. Is this your public penance?
SHEEN: lo a degree, sure. Its my public
Antabuse. Being on Spin City is a win-v
situation for me. If the show dot П
work, they can't say I didn't take a shot. 1
can say the show lost its primary compo-
nent, America's favorite dude. I stepped
in and it didn't work? Fuck off. If it does
work, then Гуе come into an impossible
situation.

PLAYBOY: If the show results in a big
comeback, can you handle it?

SHEEN: | think so. I have the advantage
now. Гуе got more knowledge and more
experience. I've got volumes on how not
to behave. I've got more information
now than a guy should have at my age
My priorities are totally
PLAYBOY: This time, will you bel
you deserv
SHEEN: Th

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MULHOLLAND

(continued from page 100)
regularly, they were among the most en-
tertaining. They make for great TV, they
always include an impressive celebrity
quotient (what could be better than
watching a panicked David Hasselhoff
hosing down his mansion with a green
garden hose—the only time he had
touched any piece of his own yard equip-
ment since moving to Malibu?) and, bet-
ter yet, brush fires are a nicely localized
problem. If you live in West LA, the fire
might as well be in the Pacific Northwest.
The only way you know LA is in the
throes of peril is that regular TV pro-
gramming is preempted and replaced
with Team Coverage of brave firefight
ers and spunky celebrities fighting to
save their multimillion-dollar estates.
Fires make for much better TV than
earthquakes, since earthquakes strike
with no warning and are over before the
average TV commercial. Fires rage on
for days, they involve dramatic water-
dropping aircraft and they're somewhat
pretty, if you can forget the downside.

“Should we turn around?” asked Bar-
ry, being the practical one.

Lee, Jim, Tony and Dick were feeling
more adventurous. The idea of si
a bar, pounding vodka mart
ing to the sirens as neighboring fire de-
partments raced to help, watching Team
Coverage on the TV over the bar—it all
sounded good to them. Perry voted to
proceed, as well. He didn't want to be
cheated out of his moment just because a
few beach houses were burning to the

ground and the traffic was thick with fire
trucks.

Johnny Carson, Barbra Streisand, Dick
Clark, David Geffen, Martin Sheen—the
news anchors sounded like they were
hawking maps to the stars’ homes.
Those were the homes in danger, they
said. Not “immediate danger,” as it
turned out. The fire was currently burn-
ing in a remote area of Decker Canyon,a
bit north of Malibu's celebrity enclave
and more where horses and cranky lon-
ers lived.

Even though the fire was in its infan-
cy—threatening homes, not burning
them to the ground—the Team Cover-
age had an odd effect on Perry and his
friends. It made them jealous.

“Td love to move Eloise and the kids
out to Malibu,” Barry sighed. “The
schools are so good and the air is so
clean."

"Don't property values drop after a
fire like this?" wondered Lee. "Couldn't.
we all aflord a nice beachfront condo?
Aren't all these rich idiots fleeing for
Beverly Hills right now?"

"Pcople in Malibu never move," said
Tony. "The house burns down and they
rebuild it. A big wave demolishes their
front deck and they replace it with a big-
ger deck. The rains fill their living rooms
with mud and they buy new Oriental
rugs. They're insanely loyal."

“And insanely rich,” added Jim.

Perry didn't say anything, but it oc-
curred to him that Malibu was at best a
pipe dream, for everyone else from Boing.
Now that he was a showrunner, he was
the only one in a position to actually af-

Te др low

Wb YOUR ETCHINGS" PLOY

16 RAISED TO ANOTHER LEVEL

“... And here I am, getting my first on-screen blow job.”

ford the Malibu lifestyle and, fires or
no, the idea suddenly had a certain
appeal.

Perry had barely moved into his new
office and suddenly everyone was behav-
ing differently. His parents acted as if
he was already rich, old friends hinted
ound for jobs while making sarcastic
asides about his dumb luck, newer
friends pretended they'd been friends
for years and, in the most surreal mo-
ment, his agent called—just to say hi.

His brother Tim's reaction was easier
to understand—what brothers aren't
plagued by sibling rivalry? It wasn't as if
things were going great for Tim. Sure,
he had a job, but it was writing about en-
tertainment for a website, not exactly a
dream come true. The guys at work, the
other writers who were busy trying to
sell their screenplays, well, of course,
they'd have mixed emotions. But the thin-
ly disguised resentment from the world
at large was bothersome.

Oddly enough Perry's

m—normally

y
now his only refuge. It didn't matter
much what time you showed up at 24-
Hour Fitness, Peter—the lord of the
gym—was there, wandering from ma-

chine to machine, playing racquetball,
drinking a Snapple at the snack bar.
Mostly, though, Peter chatted. Stout,
muscular and in his early 50s, he intre
duced himself as a TV producer. While
he used the present tense and he did
i a small office at one of the stu-
career seemed to exist well
the past, during the golden age of vari-
ety shows, back when Dinah Shore was a
singer, not a dead lesbian icon. When
Regis Philbin was lucky to be a sidekick.
Back before Donny and Marie had emo-
tional problems they happily shared on
Entertainment Tonight. Back before Cher
had tattoos and Sonny took ski lessons
Peter hadn't had a show on the air since
the Eighties, but he'd apparently made
good money while he could—he drove a
Mercedes and had plenty of free time. In
any given three-hour n, he might
work out for 20 minutes. However, he
knew everyone and picked up on every
speck of gossip.

“1 can't figure out why Nancy would
hire the likes of you to work on her
show, Peter.

“She has no choice," said Perry. "I'm
the brains of the operation, 1 wrote the

script.

and we all know how powerful a

writer

Perry laughed. “It’s just a commit-
ment to do a pilot. There are no guar-
antees," he said, mentally knocking
on wood.

"That's a good way of looking at it,”
said Peter. “It’s a great first step—not
that many people get to do pilots. There
are a lot of people involved in pilots who

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164

ind themselves back waiting tables when
the pilot doesn't sell."

"Or writing game show questions,"
Perry said.

"What's your role now that the script
is written?”

“Nancy and I will be the showrunners.

We'll start casting in the next couple of
weeks and shoot the pilot as is. If it рое
it goes—and then I'll have a TV show, 1
guess.”
Be careful,” warned Peter. “Lots of
things can go wrong. You're going to be
dealing with a lot of people who will be
looking out for themselves. You have to
watch out for yourself, OK?"

And Nancy, thought Perry. I have to
watch out for the two of us. Instead of
bringing them closer, success seemed to
be a big distraction. They'd had dinner
only once since the fateful meeting—
Nancy was constantly busy—and their
phone conversations were hurried and
unsatisfying. When he'd try to talk, she'd
sound annoyed and impatient, always

eager to get back to Heather. She was
rushed when they talked business and
she had no time whatsoever for any of
that mushy stuff that's part of a normal
relationship. Perry sometimes feared
that while he was looking for a girl
friend, Nancy wanted to be more of a
business partner. The sad thing was that
Perry often doubted whether she was all
that suited for either role.

When he got back to his apartment,
there were eight messages waiting for
him. One was from Tim, who said he
had convinced his boss to do a small fea-
ture on Perry's new show for the Holly-
wood Today website. There was a forced
cheerfulness іп Tim's voice, but Perry
was impressed by the brotherly gesture

Of course, there were two calls from
Nancy—her voice racing, her tone ur-
gent. "Heather has some more really
good casting ideas," she said in her first
message. “I really want you to hear
them." "I can’t make dinner tonight—
sorry, hon," said the second message.

“Just a moment, while we decide who's going
to conduct the exam. . . ."

"Heather needs me to go with her t0 the
Garden of Eden. She has to see her ex
and it's freaking her out."

Mom called, announcing a special
Sunday dinner (“Your dad is taking us
all out to Casa Vega," she said excitedly),
and Dad called in his typically car-cen-
tered way ("It occurred to me that you
might be thinking of getting rid of the
Civic and I wanted to remind you that I
can get you a good deal on an Accord, or.
if you wanted, an Acura").

Тһе remaining three calls came from
friends, who had heard it through the
grapevine. It was male bonding at its
best—not one of them could actually
muster congratulations without sarcasm
Paul, his basketball buddy, had it down.

“Whoa, they've lowered the bar. A
comedy? You're only funny when you
play basketball, and you get your biggest
laughs when you get hurt. You, sir, are
the Steve Guttenberg of writers—a no-
talent who succeeds where we hard-
working, artistic types fail. So congratu-
lations, and don't forget all those times
you promised me a job. As luck would
have it, I'm available."

"How's life among the rich and fa-
mous?" asked Tim.

Perry could answer that question in so
many ways: He could say, "It sucks
which, given the odd turn his relation.
ship with Nancy was taking, would be
true. He could say, "It's great,” which
was also accurate enough. In a world in
which every waiter, secretary and car
mechanic is poised over an iMac, churn-
ing out enough screenplays to decimate
a rain forest, Perry had done something
neat—he had sold a half-hour sitcom to
a big-time studio and no matter what
happened, even if the show was never
picked up by a network, he'd see his pi-
lot episode produced, his lines spoken
by real actors on a real set, and he'd have
an office on the Sony lot with business
cards that read; EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.

"It reads better than it lives,” he told
Tîm, taking the writerly way out

“Shouldn't you be deliriously happy?”
asked Tim. “Shouldn't you and Nancy
be hanging out at Morton's with David
Kelley and Michelle Pfeiffer?

"I probably should be deliriously hap-
py, but I'm not. Things are weird with
Nancy—I mean, I can't tell you how
weird. Wait, I can. Here's how weird
they are: I'm thinking of having lunch
with Dad and asking him about women.
That's how weird they are.”

Dad? Our dad?"

“Yes, Syd Newman, owner of the Val-
ley's third-largest Honda dealership and
husband of the bossiest woman in all of
Studio City."

“What advice could Dad possibly give?
‘Roll over and play dead—it's worked
for me?’ You could have come to me. l'm
your age at least. I'm hurt,” said Tim.

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“You're gay.”

“We have feelings. You could argue we
have more feelings, especially me. 1 have
way too many feelings. Anyway, just be-
cause I'm gay shouldn't disqualify me. At
least disqualify me for a good reason—
like my total failure at any relationships
whatsoever.”

“Well, there was that.”

“I still want to help. I know lots of
stuff. I watch a lot of TV. I have all this
relationship information from Lucy and
Ricky to Will and Grace. It's all stored
upstairs and available for you, as my
brother.”

“I write TV, remember?"

"Oh yes, that does cheapen it, doesn't
it? Just think, my entire worldview has
been formed by people like you. No
wonder I'm fucked up.”

“You're a paragon of normalcy com-
pared with my girlfriend-slash-partner."

“So how bad is it? And what happens
with the show if you two aren't getting
alon,

“I haven't seen her and she's too busy
to talk. A wall has gone up and I do
know why. Maybe she feels guilty be-
cause the show is my idea and all. She
wants so much to be important and this
is really my show. Maybe I'm making it
out to be more than it is. I just don't
know,” said Perry.

“I would guess success would throw

people for a loop, at least initially,” of-
fered Tim. “Not that I have any first-
hand experience, but it seems to me
they’ ve done TV movies on that.
Listen,” continued Tim. “Why don't
you just go and talk to her? Drive over
there, to Heather's house or wherever
she is, and just sit down and talk. What's
the worst that can happen?"

While a dramatic entrance into Heath-
er's guest house was not exactly Perry's
style, Tim's advice made a certain
amount of sense. Not the type of sense
that would hold up to careful scrutiny,
Perry knew, so if he was going to follow
it, he'd better do so now, before he
talked himself out of it. He drove to Lau-
rel Canyon, took a left on Kirkwood and
went to the strange cul-de-sac. There,
perched on the impossibly steep hill,
were four houses, each reachable by its
own funicular. The house on the far
right belonged to Heather. Perry got in
the funicular and pressed the buzzer.
Usually, a voice—often Nancy's—would
come on the intercom and ask, “Who is
it?” This time, the funicular simply start-
ed its ascent.

Perry went around the back to the
guest house and knocked on the door.
“Oh, hi, Perry,” said Heather. “Nancy's
not here. She's off at the studio. 1 don't
expect her back until four or so. I'll tell
her you were here."

“Oh, great—thanks,
ry. “I'll see you late!

“T guess you will, now that we're going
to be working together and all.”

stammered Per-

Perry felt himself go into blink mode—
an involuntary spasm of eye twitches
when he was forced to process too much
information at once.

“Working together?"

“Yes, I know everyone's surprised that
I'd even think about doing a
this point in my life, but something real-
ly feels right about i

“My sitcom? Dire Straights?”

“1 think it will be fun. Fun is a good
thing. And 1 haven't had much fun
lately."

On the ride down the funicular Per-

ry thought b

attempt—he d just roll down the hill
mess up his clothes—but it seemed so
appropriate.

What is Heather doing in my TV show? he
wondered angrily. There's not one role
that’s even remotely appropriate for her. Not
one. And why didn't Nancy tell me about this?

His mind raced, computing all the
possibilities. Had Nancy sold him out,
and made some sort of side deal with
Heather? Did Columbia and Jonathan
Scott know about this? Or was Nancy hu-
moring Heather? That was entirely pos-
sible—Nancy had built a career on pla-
cating Heather, making her believe she
was getting her way only to manipulate
her deftly in an entirely different di-
rection. But if that were the case, why
hadn't Nancy told him? lt would have

been good for a laugh, if nothing else.

What was it that Tim had said? “Just
down and talk. What's the worst that can
happen?” Sometimes Tim can be such
an idiot, thought Perry.

Perry called his agent. He was unavail-
able. He called Jonathan Scott, Unavail-
able. He called су several times. Ex-
tremely unavailable. Finally, at 11 rM.
feeling too low to talk and too wired to
sleep, he turned off the ringer on his
phone and took two Dalmane—a potent
dose for anyone—and sought refuge in
sleep.

He awoke to the sound of his fax ma-
chine. Tim was faxing the front page of
The Hollywood Reporter:

HEATHER WINDWARD IN DIRE STRAIGHTS

Gen-X poster girl Heather Wind-
ward has taken an interesting career
switch by agreeing to exec-produce
and star in a sitcom, Dire Straights,
for Columbia TriStar's TV unit,
with a guaranteed berth on NBC in
the fall. The show's co-creator and
co-executive producer is longtime
Windward associate Nancy Mar-
shall, under the Kirkwood Produc-
tions banner, a company the duo
formed last month.

“I think it’s time in my life to have
some fun,” said Windward. “And 1
think this show will be different
enough to provide the creative chal-
lenge it's so hard to get in movies
today.”

Based loosely on an original
script by Marshall and game-show
scribe Perry Newman, the show
undergoing a complete revise. with
veteran TV hand Babaloo Mandel
working with Marshall on a new,
hipper version.

"With Heather on board, we have
a chance to push the sitcom enve-
lope," said Jonathan Scott, VP of
comedy development at Columbia
TriStar. “The original pilot was in
some ways too traditional. We all
want to see something very young
and cutting edge.”

There was no point in calling Nancy.
His rage at her was so intense, there
was nothing she could do or say that
wouldn't only make him even angrier.
There are broken hearts, and there's
being used and made to be the fool. It
wasn't until this moment that Perry real-
ized how much worse the latter could be.

Perry called his agent first. "I haven't
been looking forward to this conversa-
tion," said the agent. "This is just one of

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Satellite xmradio.com. Sirius
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MANTRACK
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CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY BY: P 3 MARK ABRAHAMS, PATTY BEAUDET:FRANCES. SIGRID кзтпдод

ERICK. PHOTOGRAPHER STEPHEN МАТРА. НАН AND MAKEUP. ALEXIS VOGEL. STYE
тет GRETCHEN LOHR. PRODUCER. MARILYN GRABOWSKI

Bes ugly things that happen. It hap-
one sometime or other. Just
be thank! you hadn't devoted your life
to this before the ax fell. Besides, if the
show goes, you'll have some back-end
participation. It'll be found money. Mail-
box money. The best kind.

Jonathan Scott was next. "I have to tell
you, I've been dreading this phone call,”
said Jonathan. “This has been a very
awkward situation for all of us. We
loved your script, but once N
brought us Heather and we saw the
ergistic possibilities of that relations!
we had to make some changes.”

“But why were those changes made
without me? I was the goddamn s
runner! I wrote the godda

Jonathan took a deep breath.
led to believe that Nancy was the ES
crcative force behind the concept," he
said. “Frankly, Perry, you were so q
in the meeting that we assumed you
lacked real passion for the project. Nan-
Cy, on the other hand, was virtually on
fire. That's what it takes to get things
done.”

"Why wasn't I told?" Perry demanded.
“I had a right to be kept in the loop.”

“Nancy said she was taking care of
it,” said Jonathan. “I had no reason to
doubt her.”

“She didn't take care of it. 1 read it in
The Hollywood Reporter this morning."

"That must have hurt," consoled Jon-
athan. “But listen, you have friends
here. We'd love to be in business with
you. You'll have other ideas and we'll
talk. I know this must be painful, but it
could all work out for the best. Why
don't you sit down at your computer and
give me a few treatments? We'll do lunch
at Le Dome.”

They hung up ч Jonathan shout-
ed out to his “Put Perry New-
man on the DNA list, i please” DNA was
club jargon for Do Not Admit. For
Perry, Jonathan Scott would be forever
unavailable.

Perry called Tim and told him the
story. Tim had barely gotten used to his
brother's succ now he had to deal
with his brother's unemployment. This
would throw the family into turmoil—
Ann and Syd were used to Tim being
unemployed and alone, but for Perry
these were uncharted waters If Dad
threw a couple of $100 fi
it would barely cover his shampoo fei sh
Sunday night's dinner was shaping up to
be a maudlin affair, Having to praise
Perry while pitying Tim might be stan-
dard procedure for Ann and Syd, but

the Newmans had just entered bizarro
world.

*Mom and Dad are going to go crazy,
you know," said Tim.

H the worst part,” said Perry.

“Mom will miss Nancy. She really will.

Music'Movies'Gas

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PORN DUDs

(continued from page 108)
THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES (1972)

Atter directing Deep Throat, Gerard Da-
miano relcased his inner child
with this film. Georgina Spelvin plays
a virgin who commits suicide and finds
herself on her way to hell. The devil of-
fers her a short reprieve if she agrees to
return to earth and be “consumed by
lust.” She succeeds admirably.

FACE DANCE LAND И (1993)

John Stagliano is best known for his
gonzo “Buttman” series. Face Dance is his
attempt at plot. This festival of debauch-
ery includes group scenes, oddball sexu-
al roughhousing, nasty stripteases and
the severe depletion of Rocco Siffredi by
actresses fresh enough to look surprised.

HOUSE OF SLEEPING BEAUTIES 3 (2000)

The most recent chapter in this Paul
Thomas series opens at a mysterious Vic-
torian bordello in which elderly men re-
treat to dream of their sexually active
youths, One old soldier fondly recalls a
lost love (Taylor Hayes) who had a heart
of gold, a healing touch and great tits.

LATEX (1995)

In this classic from Michael Ninn, Jon
Dough can see other people's sexual his-
tories by touching them. The Big Sister
state decides he must be cured. Is he a
lunatic or a visionary? Only a mysterious
blonde, played by Sunset Thomas, can
protect him from kinky shrink Tyflany
Million, but he wins either way.

NEW WAVE HOOKERS (1985)

Created in wonderfully bad taste by
the Dark Brothers, the surreal NWH
features Jamie Gillis and Jack Baker as
pimps who can turn women into whores
by having them listen to New Wave
music. They even shared the beat with
an underage Traci Lords, though that
scene has long since been excised.

NOTHING TO HIDE 2: JUSTINE (1993)

"aul Thomas again. Roxanne Blaze
falls for an older guy she meets when
he's shopping for cock rings. "You dont
need a cock ring,” she tells him. "You
just need a good fuck.” He gets one. As
turns out, the guy is her boyfriend's
ther and she must decide between the
two. I won't spoil the ending.

THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN (1976)

Directed by Radley Metzger, this is the
closest thing you'll find to a hard-core
Woody Allen film. A therapist played by
Jamie Gillis bets he can turn Misty (Con-
stance Money) into the world's greatest
sex star by teaching her to give better
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172

DEADLY AIR

(continued from page 98)
or encouraged by viruses—not just vio-
lent fevers, such as Ebola, but cancer,
heart disease, schizophrenia, arthritis
and multiple sclerosis. Worse, some sci-
entists believe our attempts to control
viruses are backfiring, and that the most
cunning mutations are now getting the
upper hand.

Some have been hiding in reservo
hosts, biding their time. Others are mu-
tations of viruses once benign. Every so
often, monster versions of influenza ap-
pear—the worst occurring in 1918, kill-
ing more people worldwide than any
plague or war in history. The bad news:

“We're long overdue for another on
says Dr. David Pegues, epidemiologist at
the UCLA Medical Center in Los Ange-
les. “Serious worldwide flu pandemics
typically occur every eight to 10 years.
17% been more than 20 years since we've
had one." Others agree we could be just
a roll of the evolutionary dice from an-
other 1918 flu.

Meanwhile, other new viruses keep ar-
riving at our front door. Adventurous
travelers, scientists and road-construc-
tion crews now routinely encounter un-
familiar viruses as they prowl jungles
and rain forests unexplored decades
ago. Then they carry their new compan-
ions back to urban popula
dense than ever. We i
rived in the western hemisphe:
Valley fever, a particularly potent
is on the move. The hoof-and-mouth
virus, a threat to livestock, broke loose
again this spring.

Viruses groomed as military hardware
are yet another menace. Once thought
too complex for small extremist groups
to deploy, modern bioweapons are now
one of the most plausible terrorist threats.

JUST OFF THE BOAT

Our latest unwelcome newcomer is
the West Nile virus, which made its U.S.
debut two years ago. It may have trav-
eled here in smuggled birds. The first
evidence ol arrival was an unusual
die-off of crows and other birds at the
Bronx Zoo. Mosquitoes contract the vi-
rus when they feed on infected birds.
Then they pass it along to us.

In its first summer in New York, in
1999, West Nile caused 62 severe cases
of encephalitis, killing seven people.
Health authorities launched a pesticide-
spraying effort to kill the mosquitoes,
even closing Central Park one night and
postponing a concert of the New York
Philharmonic in the summer of 2000.
Last year, far fewer humans got si
ly one died and another remains in med-
ical limbo—a " persistent vegetative state.
But West Nile is not going away. It's
spreading throughout North America.
Researchers expect West Nile to reach
California by 2003.

To track West Nile's spread, public
health workers first monitored hundreds
of live chickens in East Coast states.
These feathered members of the Senti-
nel Chicken Surveillance team were luck-
ier than the canaries whose demise in
19th century mines warned miners that
deadly gas was beginning to accumulate.
Chickens aren't adversely affected—they
test positive but don’t die. Even so, their

ALELLA

“Mr. Potts, Im afraid your 11:30 and your nooner will
both have to reschedule.”

infection rates were low. The death of
flocks of wild birds is a better sign of West
Nile's geographic presence. Now the Cen-
ase Control encourages lo-
cal health workers to call when they see,
as CDC spokesperson Barbara Reynolds
puts it, "birds falling out of the sky.

s killer viruses go, West Nil
er mosquito-borne encephalit
aren't as infectious or lethal as sm
Sull, a 1986 outbreak of St. Louis en-
cephalitis in Harris County, Texas sick-
ened 28 people and killed five.

"There are lots of reasons to believe
West Nile is going to remain a more sig-
nificant problem than St. Louis enceph-
alitis," says Dr. Lyle Petersen, a West Nile
expert with the CDC. "West Nile has
much higher levels of virus circulating in
infected birds. The potential is greate:
for the virus to spread faster."

And dying from encephalitis wouldn't
be the way to go. Encephalitis causes the
br: to swell. If you have a terminal
case, you descend through headaches,
high fevers and bone-deep weariness to
convulsions, madness, coma and death.

Viruses are notoriously unpredictable.
Friendlies can turn quickly hostile, and
vice vei The 1918 influenza viri 2
horrifying example. It first appeared їп
Kansas that March as a mild headache-
and-fever illness—a three-day flu. But it
returned that fall in a deadly new form,
striking both in Boston and in the trench-
es of the Western Front. It became pan-
demic—a worldwide epidemic—scorch-
ing its way swiftly around the globe,
illing by some estimates more than 20
million people. In just a few months, it
slaughtered the same number of victims
that AIDS killed in two decades.

The 1918 virus attacked the lungs,
and it wasn'ta pretty death. Victims basi-
cally suffocated. “Your face turns a dark
brownish purple,” writes New York Times
reporter Gina Kolata in Flu: The Story of
the Great Influenza Pandemic of 1918 and
the Search for the Virus That Caused H. “You

allpox.

tically gasp for "breath. A blood tinged

bubbles out of your mouth. You
die—by drowning, actually—as your
lungs fill with a reddish fluid.”

Because it was wartime, rumors among
the Allies held that the deadly bugs were
in aspirin made by Bayer, a German
company. Or that the crew of a German
U-boat had crept into Boston Harbor
and released the disease. In i
strain of the annual flu that had mutat
a new and hideous way. The s
appeared as abrupdy as it arrived. And
te elaborate attempts to get a good
sample of the virus (from frozen corps-
es of its victims and other means), what
made it so deadly remains an enigma.

WHO ARE THE:

VS?
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174

a tiny, faceless, inexorably reproducing
zombie can be said to have character.
Viruses remarkably different from
other disease-causing agents.

They are highly infectious through
airborne contact—the most dangerous
threat to public health. Many viral infec-
tions are still untreatable. For one thing,
it's difficult to kill a virus without killing
the cell in which it’s hiding. Vaccines ral-
ly the troops of your immune system be-
fore a virus gains a beachhead in your
body—but only if they are matched to
a known virus. New viruses can usually
have their way with you. And the t
about vi s is that they change—and
become new—very quickly.

What significantly increases the dan-
ger today is that old viruses are joined by
so many new comrades. Greatly expand-
ed air travel and other advances have
made it easier for viruses to hitch a quick
ride from continent to continent in the
body of an unwitting host.

The Lassa virus, a lethal hemorrhagic-
fever virus, first appeared in 1969 in ar-
eas of Nigeria and Liberia that had been
opened to tin and diamond mining. Ma-
chupo, or the Bolivian hemorrhagic-
fever virus, first showed up during 1965

in an isolated area where agriculture ex-
panded after land reform in the Fifties.
Junin, the Argentinian hemorrhagic-
fever virus, broke out after corn-growing
practices changed in the pampas around
1950. The Oropouche virus got its first
exposure to human hosts in 1960 af-
ter Brazil cut a road through the jungle,
connecting the coast with the new capi-
tal, Brasilia. Within a year, 11,000 peo-
ple were infected

Korean hemorrhagic fever, caused by
a hantavirus, a virus family that is car-
ried by rodents, was first identilied as a
new disease among United Nations sol-
diers fighting in rural areas during the
Korean War, Related hantaviruses were
then found in Russia, Scandinavia, Eu-
rope and, in 1993, in the southwestern
United States.

Many of our wors ses are the new
arrivals. HIV apparently leaped species
from monkey to man only recently. As
far as we know, the first two strains of
Ebola—Zaire and Sudan—started killing
in 1976. Ebola Reston first showed up in
1989 among lab monkeys near Washing-
ton, D.C. Another version of Ebola near-
ly killed a Swiss researcher working with
chimpanzees on the Ivory Coast in 1994.

“This isn't exactly what we meant when we said
we wanted io swap."

The latest viruses to jump from ani-
mals to man include the Hendra virus,
carried by fruit bats. It infected 20 horses
and three humans in 1994, killing two
men in Australia. In 1998 and 1999, a
close relative of Hendra, the Nipah virus,
jumped from pigs to humans in ^
and Singapore,

Virulence is the measure of how good
a virus is at making you sick. Life's
meaning for a virus, as for us, is to eat

to embed into another organism and
to make that organism make copi
it,” notes David Ropeik,
communication at the Harvard Center
for Risk Analysis. " That's what it does. It
doesn't eat, doesn't crap, doesn't have
sex." But viruses can live only briefly
outside a host's body or in a similar en-
vironment. Some might lie in wait in
mouse feces, like the hantaviruses, or be
carried for a while in mosquitoes. But
they can't hang out by themselves on a
toilet seat.

If you become the host for an ordi-
nary flu virus, for instance, you sneeze—
spreading the virus to friends and col-
leagues. If you host Ebola, the blood that
eventually wells out of your mouth,
nose, eyes and other orifices—what's
known as black vomit—is a river of virus.
A sick person surrounded by other po-
tential hosts helps viruses procreate and
move on. That's why many viruses do
well in big cities.

"Humans are at unparalleled densi
ties," says Edward Allen Herre, a staff
scientist at the Smithsonian Tropical Re-
search Institute in Panama. "And if any
one living thing becomes too common, it
becomes an incr gly easy target for
devastating diseases. If you have one
host lined up side by side with anothi
genetically and physiologically very
ilar, if not identical—it's extremely easy
for a disease to make the jump from one
host to the next. From the viral view of
the world, this is a lush carpet of food.”

Herre spends most of h
Barro Colorado Island, a nature reserve
and research site in Gatun Lake, in the
Panama Canal. An evolutionary biologist,
he studies what n

When living entities (humans or
es) reproduce, we don't make exact cop-
ies of ourselves. The next generation is
always different. These mutations typi-
cally occur in a gradual drift and, even
among viruses, usually don't cause prob-
lems. Ifa hosts immune system has seen
pretty much the same virus before and
has built up antibodies—the in-house
disease fighters—the host can handle
small variations.

But viruses can be especially sloppy at
reproduction. And they replicate quick-
ly. Sometimes viruses undergo a bigger
change, a revolutionary moment called

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an antigenic shift, that spawns a different
version of the beast. An antigenic shift can
blindside the host's immune system. leav.
ing it completely vulnerable. Many be-
lieve that's what happened with the 1918
flu virus.

Asa parasite, a virus takes its nutrition
from the host's cells. The more nutrients
it takes, the more virulent it is—eventu-
ally destroying cells and causing disease.
In an extreme case, the virus does so
mage that it kills the host
us must strike a balance to sur-
vive. IF it reproduces so fast that it quick-
ts host, there had better be
arby—or that version of
mitted and the
disease outbreak stops. Ebola e, the
most deadly of its group, is an example
of that process. Highly infectious and
with a fatality rate as high as 90 percent,
this Ebola can devastate densely popu-
lated sites, such as hospitals. But then it
often burns out when there are no more
potential hosts.

When attractive new hosts are few and
far between, less virulent copies of the
virus survive to reproduce—because
they keep their present hosts alive until
they get the chance to move on.

If you're the host, your life can de-
pend on this. Hosts bunched too close-
ly together allow the most aggressive
strain, the one that makes you most sick,

to survive and move on. That virus mul-
е crazy, bursting host cells, de-
ssue. filling the host and all its
› s with copies of itself. Mean
viruses love crowds.

THE TERROR OF WEAPONS-GRADE VIRUSES

In 1346, Tatar troops conquered Caf-
fa, in present-day Ukraine, by catapult-
ng the infectious corpses of plague vic-
tims over the city walls. American and
Soviet scientists carried out the most re-
cent large-scale bioweapons-research ef-
forts. Particularly popular among both
sides after World War II was the virus
responsible [or Venezuelan equine en-
cephalitis. “It's exquisitely infectious by
aerosol,” notes Peter Jahrling, a senior
research scientist and advisor to the US
Army at Fort Detrick, Maryland. “In fact
it was probably the premiere bug dev
oped by most offensive bioweaponeers
Fort Detrick is home to the U.S. Army
Medical Research Institute of Infectious
Diseases. Until U.S. biowarfare research
was officially ended in 1969, Fort Detrick
was the U.S. Army's biowarfare center.

The Soviets kept quiet and kept going
Ken Alibek, formerly Kanatjan Alibekov,
was first deputy chief of research and
production for Biopreparat, the Soviet
bioweapons program. Alibek, as head
scientist, managed a research effort that
spent as much as $1 billion a year and

employed more than 30,000 scientists
and technicians at its high point in the
late Fighties.

Biopreparat made weapons from an-
thrax and other bacterial diseases. But
the beuer weapon candidates in many
cases were the familiar crew of viruses—
smallpox, Marburg, Ebola, I
dengue fever, Russian spring
encephalitis, Machupo and Junin. After
the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991,
when L.S. scientists saw the Rus: У

andoned biowarfare manufacturing
ies, they were surprised. “It really
was a factory E
ing,” recalls n Army ofli-
cer who directed disease assessment at
Fort Detrick and who now heads the
CDC's effort to control viruses.

Alibek defected to the U.S. in 1992
and promptly disclosed that the Soviets
had secretly brewed tons of weapons-
grade smallpox virus. This revelation
alarmed international health authorities
and made the U.S. think twice about
destroying its last specimens of stored
virus.

Natural outbreaks of smallpox had
been eliminated globally in a vaccination
effort, and in 1979, the Global Commis-
sion for the Certification of Smallpox
Eradication declared that the disease
was no longer a threat. A generation of
children had gone without v

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Supposedly, only two small samples of
smallpox were being held under close
guard—in Russia and at the CDC in At-
lanta—and they were about to be cere-
moniously destroyed. "This was for us
an excellent reason to weaponize it,” Al-
ibek noted in Biohazard, his book about
Soviet bioweapons. The Soviet Union's
enemies wouldn't know what hit them
and would hz unity

Today, ^ ident of Advanced
Biosystems, a subsidiary of a Virginia-
based company that develops medical de-

fenses against biological weapons. "Un-
fortunately, a majority of viruses could
be used in biological weapons," Alibek

says. For instance, the Soviets were work-
ing on an Ebola weapon when he left the
country, and in 1990 they had tested one
based on Marburg hemorrhagic fever.
"If it were wielded,” says Alibek, “М:
burg would be one of the most horrify-
ing biological weapons ever developed.

Bioweapons this sophisticated can't be
made in a bathtub. But genetic engi-
neering has brought the complexities
and costs within the reach of terrorist-
group budgets. Meanwhile, benign
gene-manipulation research could inad-
vertently add to the threat. In January,
for instance, it was reported that two
Australian scientists genetically modified
a virus in an effort to control mouse and
rat populations. Instead of a mouse con-
traceptive, they created a superlethal
virus related to smallpox. The new virus
is harmless to humans. But the tech-
nique developed could make smallpox
more virulent than it already is.

In the early Nineties in Russia, it took
only “a few million dollars” to make a
in which Venezuelan equine en-
is genes were inserted into small
pox viruses, says Alibek. It could be
equally inexpensive to produce a small
pox weapon today—particularly with
the guidance of experienced scientists
and technicians,

Which is why Jahrling and others
from Fort Detrick have been traveling to
as part of an intense U.S. effort to
rk for former Biopreparat
hey hope to prevent a dan-
gerous brain drain—to keep these scien-
tists from taking bioweapons jobs in, say,
Iraq or North Korea, or with Osama bin
Laden, or from simply selling an ampule
of smallpox. No one seems to know what
happened to those tons of Soviet small
mple. “A determined
can always get a virus out of a fa
says Jahrling, who visited the So-
viet smallpox facility. “The only appar-
ent security was one pimply-faced kid
who looked about 14 and had a Kalash-
nikov rifle."

But the U.S. can't begin to
the former bioweapons sci
the strategy has been to go in and select
the best and the brightest," says Jahr-
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178

who can help us with our problems—
and, by the way, you're the ones who
we're most worried about migrating to
Iraq and showing Saddam how to make
a bigger and better bug.”

ATTACK.

ssault would be diffi-
cult to spot at first. The microbes would
be secretly released in an urban subway,
or in the cabin of a commercial
or from a private plane miles up:
a packed sports stadium.

As long as 10 days after the terroi
had escaped, local clinics would fill with
patients bringing familiar compl:
upper respiratory infections and muscle
pain, coughing, fever. Particularly in
ih care workers would
say it was the start of a bad flu season. No
one would order sophisticated tests. Most
physicians and lab technicians have nev-
er seen the viruses that would be used,
except perhaps in textbook examples. In
any case, tests to detect viruses are hard-
er to perform successfully than those for
bacteria.

Last year, a Pennsylvania doctor as-

sessed how likely his colleagues would be
to diagnose smallpox if they saw it. He
described the symptoms and showed
photos of the distinctive smallpox blis-
ters. Only one doctor out of 17 recognized.
the disease. The others guessed lupus,
toxic shock syndrome or other ailments.

But in a bioweapons attack, many
patients wouldn't recover from their
flu. Emergency rooms and intensive
care units would soon be overflowing,
as many victims slipped into shock and
died. Meanwhile, more new patients
would show up. The biowarfare siege
would be under way.

Bioweapons— particularly virus-based
concoctions—worry many emergency
planners more than terrorist explosions
or chemical attacks do. Casualties from

A bioweapo

the latter can overpower a local health
care system. Bioweapons like anthrax,
spread through inhalation of bacteria
spores, can be fatal. But they're basically
bombs, onctime events. Emergency mea-
sures can catch up.

Viral weapons—contagious from hu-
man to human—could create more vic-
ums week after week in a diabolical
process called sustained transmission.
That's why, in some scenarios, biowar-
rs would prefer to use a virus like
smallpox to one like Ebola. Smallpox
kills about 30 percent of the humans it
infects, leaving 70 percent to spread the
disease. Ebola, with a 90 percent fatality
rate, is less likely to leave enough victims
ve to keep an epidemic going.
If your objective is to quickly inflict
the maximum number of casualties,
Ebola is probably the weapon to use,”
says Jahrling. “And, unlike smallpox,
which might turn around and bite you in
the ass, Ebola would probably burn itself

ut.” That is, smallpox released in the
5. could easily spread back to the re-
leaser. “I've never quite understood,”
Jahrling muses, “why the Russians invest
in things against which they can't protect
their own people."

COUNTERMEASURES

Bioweapons in the hands of terror-
ist groups became real when the Japa-
nese cult Aum Shinrikyo released poison
gas in a Tokyo subway in 1995, killing
12 commuters and injuring more than
5500. In the criminal trials that followed,
cult members said they'd also made nine
attempts to spread anthrax and botu-
linum, releasing their genetically engi-
neered bugs from the back of a van and
off a building roof. Neither weapon was
virulent enough to cause harm. They
had also traveled to Zaire, but failed to

bring Ebola back to their lab to make a
weapon.

"Before you get any ideas, I'd just like to tell you that
we're all married.”

ia, Cuba, China, Libya.
Iran, Bulgaria, India, Үйіп

and

Alibek be-
lieves that most nations that support ter-

rorism either have them or are trying to
get them.
“The CDC is obyiously interested

more and more in bioterrorism,
LeDuc. And the U.
fight smallpox again.
$343 million contract
a Massachusetts-based biotech company,
tobi a national stockpile of 40 million
doses of a new smallpox vaccine. Acam-
bis hopes its vaccine will be approved in
about four years.

Other U.S. preparations are in the
works. Operation Topoff was a four-day
simulated bioweapons attack on Denver
last year. Bureaucrats and the staffs of
three Denver hospitals were told that
terrorists had secretly released a highly
infectious airborne version of the plague
a Denver performing arts center. By
the end of the third day, authorities
had counted 3700 plague cases in seven
states—and 950 “deaths.”
he attack “quickly overwhelmed the
available resources," reported Richard
Hoffman and Jane Norton, two Colora-
do Department of Public Health staflers,
in the CDC publication Emerging Infec-
tious Diseases.
lar results were found by two re-
searchers at the Henry timson Cen-
ter, a Washington D.C.
The center surveyed local emergency
and public health officials around the
country and released a report last Octo-
ber called Ataxia: The Chemical and Biolog-
ical Terrorism Threat and the U.S. Response.
The word ataxia gives you a hint of what
they found. It’s Greek for “confusior

The report urged politicians
their teeth and fund disaster prepared-
ness over the long term." It also found
that emergency personnel often had bet-
ter ideas than their national counter-
parts. One suggestion: To limit person-
to-person contact in an infectious-di
attack, health workers could distribute
drugs and vaccines from the drive-by
windows of fast-food restaurants.

says
. is preparing to
The C DC has a

VIRAL HOT SPOTS

New viruses emerge all over the earth.
But virus watchers keep their eyes
trained on China, Southeast Asia and the

midsection of Africa. One prominent re-
gion on the map begins with the Rift Val
ley in Kenya, moves west to Uganda and
‚ Viruses that

Sudan, and then to Zai
include E

HIV, O'nyong-
а to
ч and Ivory
Ebola popped up in West Africa

ou look at the origination sites for
the filosiruses, for instance—Marburg
and the Ebolas—they re all within seven
degrees of the equator,” says Jabrling,

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who himself discovered Ebola Reston in
1989 after it arrived at his Fort Detrick
office in a styrofoam picnic basket, leak
ing big red blotches of blood from mon-
keys at a nearby test site onto his carpet.
The monkeys it had infected and killed
had originated in Africa

New influenzas have different origins.
Virologists believe that recent influenza
pandemics have come from southern
China, where farmers, birds and pigs
live in unusually close proximity. Bird
viruses can be particularly damaging to
humans, but they don't normally jump.
rectly to us. Bird viruses often
infect pigs, however. And pigs can host
both bird and human influenza viruses.
Many believe the pigs act as mixing ves-
sels for each year's new human influenza
rains. And by fall the annual flu season
is in progress worldwide.

“If you had a flu epidemic now in a
vulnerable population as dense as New
York City, Los Angeles, Seattle, Chica-
go, Moscow, London—it would be hor-
predicts Herre, the Smithsoni-
an ecologist. “In two or three years we
could have something as bad as the 1918
flu—probably worse.”

So each year, a vast international net-
work tracks new flu virus strains. In the
U.S., a committee of the Food and Drug
ion picks the three it expects
to do the most damage in this country.
Vaccines against them constitute your
annual flu shot. In spite of this, about
20,000 Americans die each year from
complications of influenza.

Meanwhile, other v es are on the
move. “My job is to investigate exotic
hemorrhagic fevers and to quickly shoot
them down by whatever mechanism pos-
sible,” says Ali Khan, an epidemiologist
who has spent the past decade traveling
to areas of disease outbreaks around the
world as a member of the CDC's Epi-
demic Intelligence Service

Earlier this year, Khan went to Ugan-
da to help shut down the latest outbreak
of Ebola. Last fall, he spent almost 12
weeks in Saudi Arabia and Yemen on
what he considers a far more unsettling
case—the first epidemic of Rift Valley
fever to jump the Red Sea

“Itsa real big deal that Rift has moved
to Saudi Arabia,” says Khan. “It's the
first evidence of Rift off the African con-
tinent.” This has the attention of both
health care and livestock experts. Rilt is
highly contagious through mosquitoes
But people who handle or slaughter in-
fected animals can also be infected di-
rectly. Rift is a rancher's nightmare,
ing almost every young sheep, cow, goat,
buffalo and camel it infects, and causing
pregnant animals to abort. Most humans
don't know they've picked up Rift. Some
will have severe flulike symptoms. And
about one percent of infected people will
die of hemorrhagic fever, encephalitis
or acute hepatitis.

Khan predicts that Rift Valley feve
it makes it to the U.S., will be disastrous,
particularly to our monoculture live-
stock—all those identical hosts chewing
their cud in the field together. Hosts
packed together can increase virulence.

“West Nil
a good thin
led to a bunch of dead crows a
ful of sick or dead people. Rift would be
very different if it were introduced here.
1t would have a major economic impact
оп us, obviously. And it would infect a lot
more people—we're talking millions."

IS DISASTER INEVITABL

We're only now learning how much
harm familiar, as well as new, viruses can
cause. For instance, many of us don't re-
alize that some viruses cause cancer. Yet
researchers agree that human papillo-
mavirus is the leading cause of cervical
cancer in women and anal cancer in
men. And as Paul Ewald, an evolution
ary biologist at Amherst College, the Na-
tional Cancer Institute and others point
out, that is only the beginning. Over the
past quarter century, medical research-
ers have found that viruses also produce
specific varieties of leukemia, liver can-
cer, nasopharyngeal cancer, Kaposi's sar-
coma, lung cancer and brain cancer. In
Plague Time: How Stealth Infections Cause
Cancers, Heart Disease and Other Deadly
Ailments, Ewald also describes tentative
nks between viruses and other chror
s. including Alzheimer's, au-
tism, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder,
Lou Gehrig’s disease, multiple sclerosis
breast cancer, some type-II diabete:
some arthritises, stroke, colon cancer
and cancer of the penis.

Does this mean we could someday
take vaccines against cancer, heart d
ease, Alzheimer's? Not likely, says Ewald
Vaccines, he contends, have almost all
been unsuccessful in the long run—with
smallpox the one big exception. The
smallpox virus was contained іп part
itis transmitted only human to
ап. By vaccinating everyone in the
world, all hosts were eliminated.

“IF you can eradicate an organism, do
it,” Ewald agrees. He believes that vac-
cines could still wipe out measles and po-
lio. But for most viruses, he contends,
vaccines aren't the answer. Viruses mu-
tate too successfully, making end runs
around the vaccines, leaving only the
viruses that now pose such a big
threat. We need "evolutionary literacy,”
Id says—a focus on smart vaccines
and other measures that lowe
virulence,

too. And so you have this ext
dance through time, between ev
ing hosts and eve:

irresistible.

PLAYBOY

182

Edward Burns

(continued from page 138)
That hurt. Sometimes they're turning
films around quickly—even big movies
that are successful. We held on to one
screen in New York with McMullen for
almost six months. It would be pretty
cool to get a shelf one day. 1 just hope
that 25 years from now there will be
somebody saying that this guy had a
point of view, that he told stories and
had he not been here, we would not
have heard about or seen these people.

PLAYBOY: Аз a former Hamptons land-
scaper, do you give Spielberg advice on
which plants and shrubs flourish in east-
ern Long Island’s salt air?

BURNS: I was a landscaper for three sum-
mers, and all I did was mow lawns. Un-
fortunately, Spielberg never asked me to
mow his. I didn't meet him until the day
before we were shooting Private Ryan
My agent called and said, “Eddie wants
to play Reiben." I had been getting pret-
ty consistent acting offers since Mc-
Mullen, but 1 had no interest in being an
actor. We'd had such a tough time rais-
ing money for Nc Looking Back, every-
body was telling me 1 should take some
acting gigs, because then my star would
rise, my name would mean more, espe-
cially overseas, and it would be easier to
raise money for the next smaller, more
personal film I wanted to direct. I told
Spielberg | had this dream to make
something of the Irish American Godfa-
ther sct against the police department.
He pushed me to write that cop moy-

ie script, telling me that’s the film 1 had
to make. He's another guy who has
been great to me. He gave me a deal at
DreamWorks.

PLAYBOY: The Hamptons have always
been a favorite haunt of the wealthy, and
summer residents such as Steven Spiel-
berg and Alec Baldwin—plus those occa-
visits from Bill and Hillary—have
d the area's profile even more. Isn't
the traffic murder out on eastern Long
Island these days?

BURNS: I've never complained about that
crowd. If you know the back roads and
you're not into the chichi crowd, you'll
never run into those people. I spent
every summer of my life out there. We
did two weeks in Montauk every sum-
mer, whether it was the State Park or
Shepherd's Neck or the Briney Breezes
on Old Montauk Highway, a big cop va-
cation hotel. In college you'd rent a
place with four of your buddies. You'd
all live in one room and sleep on the
floor, get a job busing tables or landsca
ing. I bused tables for two summer:
a restaurant up on Three Mile Harbor
Road. There are no beaches as beautiful
as those in the Hamptons. It’s got great
fishing. So go to the beach, go fishing
and stop complaining

PLAYBOY: Compare the fishing in Jamaica
Bay off Kennedy Airport with the deep
blue Atlantic off Montauk, Long Island.
burns: No difference if you go for floun-
der. A couple summers ago 1 started go-

“It seemed the least I could do, so I promised my people
a wonderful afterlife.”

ing out of Montauk for striper
fish. The last weekend ирим, we'd
go out for midnight blues on big par-
ty boats. Now me and my dad and my
brother go out with a smaller charter. We
get a little sun, take a
beer, catch a couple of fish, bi
home and throw them on the barbeque.
We're not serious anglers. We're serious
drinkers. 1 can clean fish, but I'd rather
have the mate do it. Гт a litle sloppy.

PLAYBOY: What's with Ed Burns and De-
troit iro
BURNS: I'm into Am an muscle cars
I've got a 1968 Cutlass with a 454-cu-
bic-inch engine. 1 garage it in Jersey. In
the summer, the roof never goes up. In
my neighborhood, when I was in gram-
mar school, all the cool older guys had
cool cars, so that’s what you wanted. In
high school 1 bought a Skylark convert-
ible with a 350 for $750. But ìt was a to-
tal piece of crap. 1 love those old cars,
but I'm not a gearhead at all. I can
change the spark plugs, but I put in a
carburetor once and that was a disaster.

PLAYBOY: We understand Edd “Kookie”
Byrnes made a complaint to the Screen
Actors’ Guild about your using the name
Ed Burns. Did he really feel he'd be mis-
taken for the writer and director of The
Brothers McMullen?

BURNS: Yeah. He made the complaint.
There's some question of
even though we spell our names differ-
ently, I officially have to be Edward.
Which makes my mother vi
met Edd last year for th
looks good. He still needs a comb.

PLAYBOY: Commitment has been a major
theme in your films, yet you've dodged
the bullet so far. Are you a beacon of
independence?

BURNS: There's a great quote from Dawn
Powel The greatest regret in life is to
reach old age and never have found a
love great enough to command fidelity.”
So that is what 1 strive for.

PLAYBOY: Discovering the *
you've put it—of another guy in the sack
ith one's wife or girlfriend is sure to be
disconcerting. Can you offer advice on
how to behave should any of us be so
brazenly cuckolded?

BURNS: That would be a tough one. For-
tunately, I have never in my life come
across the hairy ass. Depending upon
whether I'd come from a bar or not, you
could have two outcomes. One, 1 leave.
The other, he's out the window.

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PLAYBOY

184

Jimmy BRUCE MER
(continued from page 154)
a couple of hit singles in the process.

It also made powerhouses of its two
producers, who followed it with another
enormous hit, Beverly Hills Cop, then the
juggernaut Top Gun, a film that many see
as the ultimate expression of the Simp-
ic: “men bond-
t. The mo:
ies were hits, and they were relentlessly
promoted by hit songs, using the then-
nascent MTV to help establish the prod-
uct and market the films. “Before Don
and Jerry, most of the big soundtracks
came from movies about music," s;
Kathy Nelson, who negotiated a clause
in her Universal Pictures deal that allows

her to continue working with Bruck-
heimer. “But Jerry always w c
to be importan
movies weren't about music. They were
huge in making soundtrac
ing marketing tools that the:

Simpson and Bruckheimer had be-
come the power producers of the de-
cade, and they were not shy about
flaunting their power. The two men sat
at a large U-shaped desk in their oflice
on the Paramount lot, bought identical
black Ferraris and black Mustang con-
es and hired a pair of twins as
ants.

Despite their matching cars and iden-
tical twin secretaries, though, the two
men were in some ways polar opposites.
Simpson threw out ideas and dictated

Y
N

“Last chance for premarital sex!”

perceptive 40-page script memos during
drug-fueled binges; Bruckheimer han-
dled the details his partner couldn't be
bothered mpson was the creative
sed problems, Bruck-
mer the diplomatic organizer who

Bruckheimer was known to have a lively
bachelor pad in Laurel Canyon between
the end of his first marriage and the time
he began a relationship with his current
wife, Linda. But for the most part, he
was considered the sane member of the
team, the one who held the fort when
Simpson's excesses made the producer
unreliable or unreachable.

“Don was a hysterical guy, and also
very smart, but he was constantly stir-
ring the pot," says Michael n whom
Simpson and Bruckheimer hired to di-
rect a music video and later Bad Boys.
“Jerry would watch over Don to make
sure the pot wouldn't get too stirred.”

In 1990 Paramount Pictures signed
the pair to an unprecedented and over-
hyped production deal that gave them
$300 million to make five movies over
five years—and that's when things went
sour. Days of Thunder barely made back
its production costs, badly damaging
both the Simpson-Bruckheimer aura of
invincibility and their relationship with
the studio. The five-picture deal that
had been heralded as a “visionary al-
liance" ended four years and four mov-
ies prematurely, as Simpson and Bruck-
heimer left Paramount and signed a
smaller, nonexclusive deal with Disney.

But Disney was shying away from big-
budget films, and for three years Simp-
son and Bruckheimer didn't get a single
movie into production. “We were ham-
pered by a writers’ strike that went on
for a long time,” Bruckheimer says, re-
ferring to the five-month strike in 1988.
“So we couldn't get our material going.
And we were also negotiating out of.
Paramount, and we didn't want to put
things in development because we knew
they would be stuck there.” He shrugs.
“And the truth is, Don n't want to
work. After we had been at Disney for
about a year and a half, 1 went to him
and said, ‘Look, I'm going to make mov-

You want to be part of it?”
impson said he did, and what fol-
lowed was an unexpected winning streak:
The Michelle Pfeiffer drama Dangerous
Minds and Tony Scott's sub adventure,
Crimson Tide, were both hits for Disney in
1995, while Bad Boys, with Will Smith
and Martin Lawrence, became Colum-
bia Pictures’ biggest hit of the y

Even though Simpson and Bruckhei-
mer had regained their commercial
ept spinning out of con-
ling in and out of rehab and deal-
ing with his physical decline through
frequent s to the plastic surgeon, he
left more and more of the business to his

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partner. By the time The Rock went into
production in late 1995, Bruckheimer
was reportedly doing all the work. In
December of that year, the partnership
was officially dissolved—a breakup, says
Bruckheimer, largely intended to send a
message to Simpson
You're dealing with a partner you've
had since 1983, somebody who's your
best friend, somebody you care about a
lot," he says. " But it's somebody who al-
so has a lot of problems. So after talking
to a number of doctors—not his doctors,
but doctors who deal in the area where
he had a problem—they said, "The only
thing you can do to wake him up is take
away what he likes the most.” I was hop-
ing that if I dissolved the partnership, he
would look in the mirror and say, "Wait a
second, I'm doing the wrong thing." He
sighs. “It didn't quite work out that way.”
In January 1996, a month after the of-
ficial announcement of the split, Don
Simpson died of heart failure brought
on by what the Los Angeles county coro-
ner would later call the "combined ef-
fects of multiple drug intake.” “I don't
think anybody could have stopped him,”
says Bruckheimer. “He certainly had the
money and the wherewithal to deal with
his problems, and he did it at certain
points in his life. But he had gone too
far, and he couldn't come back."
Bruckheimer got the news as he was
about to leave for a Friday afternoon
meeting at Disney. "You think for years
you'll be getting that phone call," he
says, "but when it happens it's still a big
shock. He had survived so many close
calls, and we felt he was trying to come
back at that point. But his body was too
deteriorated. He abused it too much.”

“I feel the need, the need for speed.” —
Maverick and Goose, from Top Gun

One of the reasons Bruckheimer has a
trademark name in Hollywood is that all
of his movies tend to look alike—regard-
less of whom the actual director is, In
fact, a visit to the set of Gone in 60 Seconds
makes the pecking order abundantly
clear. The director's chair reads: a JERRY
BRUCKHEIMER PRODUCTION. Beneath that:
GONE IN 60 SECONDS. And fi : A DOMINIC
SENA FILM.

Sena, a commercial director working
on only his second feature (his first hav-
ing been the unsuccessful Kalifornia),
was in many ways a typical Bruckheimer
director: Coyote Ugly's David McNally
was a t-timer, while Remember the Ti-
lans' helmer, Boaz Yakin, had two Іші
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PLAYBOY

186

"Then again, at least Sena had Bruck-
heimer on hand. One crew member who
worked on Coyote Ugly remembers that
experience as “the most frustrating set
I've ever been on. Every time we fin-
ished a take, the director got on the
phone to see what Bruckheimer wanted
to do next. Usually, you either move on
or you do it again—but on that set, we
sat around and waited for Jerry to come
to the phone.”

Critics have been suggesting as much
for years. The Village Voice has said, “Jer-
ry Bruckheimer . . . lords over what is
now the most emblematic of Hollywood.
summer styles: the demolition-derby im-
th blockbuster-
as-bazookas like The Rock and Arma-
geddon." A Los Angeles Times review of
Remember the Titans cited Bruckheimer in
the headline and devoted the first three
paragraphs to him before its sole paren-
thetical mention of director Boaz Yakin.
The implications are clear: Sena and Me-
Nally and Yakin (or even bigger-name
Bruckheimer directors like Michael Bay
and Tony Scott) may be calling "action"
and “cut,” but Jerry is calling the shots.

“That's not really true, and it's kind of
unfair,” says Bruckheimer. “I choose the
directors based on a combined vision.
It's not my vision over theirs. The reason
the pictures have a similar look and feel
is the choices we make in putting them
together. It's not that we force the direc
tor to go a certain way. He's already
there. That's the reason we chose him.”

Surprisingly, Titans wound up as the
gest of Bruckheimer's three movies
year; Gone in 60 Seconds and Coy-
ote Ugly were viewed in many quarters
as box-office disappointments, though
Bruckheimer refuses to concede that
point. Titans, he says, “is a $100 million
movie, did a fortune ov s and isa
big success," while the others "were small
movies that did over $60 million each—
quite an accomplishment for pictures
with nobody you'd ever heard of.”

He's been known to phone critics who
he feels have misread his intentions or
impugned his motives. But mostly, he
tries to stay above the fray. Sure, he's
read the scathing reviews of his work
over the years. He knows
been called “happy horseshit,”
oidal asininity," "profound inanity," “ge-
neric tough-guy twaddle," “colossal and
brain-dead.

“One reviewer called Flashdance a tox-
ic waste dump, then about five or six
years later rereviewed the picture and
ner says. “At
the time, Beverly Hills Cop didn't get
good reviews, Top Gun didn’t get good
reviews, but when they're referred to lat-
er on, they're called ‘well reviewed." It's
bizarre. But had 1 gotten great reviews
and nobody showed up, we wouldn't be
sitting in this big office. What's impor-
tant to the people who put up the mon-
cy for these pictures is, do they perforn
So far they've performed. And that
lows me to keep making movies.”

| ETS PLAY
ISO WANTS To AUDIT
A MILLIONÄR”

GAN Sells FOR LES, AGENTS

possible actors’ and writers’ si
multancously shooting three f
low-budget comedy Down and Under is
filming in Australia, director Ridley
fe military drama Black
in Morocco and the Anthony
ris Rock comedy Black Sheep
in Prague. "With Pearl Harbor linishi
here, we'll be on three continent
says. “ГЇ be running around a lot.”

Meanwhile, Bruckheimer's televi
department prepares to launch an
around-the-world reality show over the
summer, while CS/ continues production
on the outskirts of Los Angeles County.
On that series, which deals with forensic

i a star William
heimer ex-
pects good work but doesn't dictate the
style or substance of the show.

“Jerry is a reserved, introspective, efli-
cient producer,” Petersen say:
staunch in what he believes in. But he
loves artists. If a designer or a compos-
er or an actor or a writer comes to him,
he doesn't say, "This is what I want. He
says, "What can you show me that will
make me happy?"

In his office Bruckheimer reminisces
about another recent trip, a USO tour
he took over the Christmas holiday to
Bosnia, Kosovo, a carrier off the coast of
Naples and an Air Force base in Ger-
many. He accompanied John Glenn,
Terry Bradshaw, Ernie Banks, Jewel and
former U.S. Secretary of Defense Wil-
liam Cohen. During the trip he showed
the troops the Pearl Harbor trailer and
gave a short speech—and, he says w
larger-than-usual smile, met his public.
s where I get my gratification,”

, "from the kids who want you to
autograph Top G со boxes, or tell
you that they Armageddon once a
month. The people 1 make movies for
love what we do. The critics might not
like it, but the public love:

And, in the end, Bruckheimer i
with calm certainty that he's still an in-
secure guy hoping that people like his
“That's what drives me to suc-
” he says. “Otherwise, I'd be in Ha-
sipping mai tais. I don't do it for the
money anymore. It's the fun of doing it.
1 love films, I love the process, I love the
people I work with, I love the creativity
of it. 1 get real joy and pleasure out of
creating these things and watching peo-
ple being entertained by them. That's
my greatest thrill: standing in the back of
the theater and watching people being
moved by what you've created—by what
you've forced through the system.”

“Well, I'm one of those fortunate people
who like my job, sir. Got my first chemistry set
when 1 was seven, blew my eyebrows off, we
never saw the cat again, been into it ever
since. " — Stanley Goodspeed, from The Rock

Would you like to own a T-shirt

worn by Jodi Ann Paterson? A Flax-
en comic book starring Susie Owens?

ancl

Жу ÚN

Jonet Pil-
grim's
personol
poge
Leh: Jodi Ann
is howking everything from o Rob-
bit Heod T-shirt she's warn to o limited edition
PMOY cor. It's oll outogrophed, of course.

Recent nude photos of Helena An-
tonaccio? On Playboy.com, each Play-
mate's personal page includes a mar-
ketplace where all you superfans can
purchase unique, autographed items.
“Jodi Ann has the widest range of
products in her marketplace,” says
Kelly Berryman, Playmate Relations

“My vibrator and I have be-
come very close, I like clitoral
stimulation. I use pocket rockets.
They're so little that I lose them.
1 have a collection of five now."

—Nichole Van Croft

"I've been married twice and
never had kids. To be honest, I
became addicted to diet pills and
lost a large part of my life. Now
I'm 60. I'm a clown. I'm always
pulling pranks on people."

—Nancy Crowford

Supervisor, who produces 24 person-
al pages a year. "She offers her Octo-
ber 1999 and PMOY issues, foreign
editions, videos, posters and the Ze-
brahead CD cover on which she ap-
pears." Janet Pilgrim's marketplace.

titled Fanfare, includes autographed
shots from her three Playmate ap-
pearances as well as rare promotional
photos. Fans are also flocking to Lisa
Dergan's marketplace, which includes
Rabbit Head golf balls.

LISAS COOL RANCH

Contrary to popular belief, not ev-
ery Playmate goes Hollywood. We
spoke to Miss September 1980 Lisa
(Welch) Semler, who lives in Malibu
but prefers country sunsets to the Sun-
set Strip. “I live on a ranch and sell
hand-painted images to greeting card
companies,” Lisa says. “Over the past
three years, we have planted 35 acres
of cabernet and
merlot grapes. Last
year, we made our
first wine. It will
age for two years
in oak barrels.
We're also bot-
tling a chardon-
nay that we hope
to put on the mar-
ket soon. It's la-
beled Saddlerock,
after the name of
our ranch. The
ranch also features horse boarding
and avocado farming. It's used for
weddings and movie shoots. The tele-

40 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH

Miss June 1961 Heidi Becker
was so popular that she made ed-
itors’ and readers’
lists of the top 10
Playmates from
our first decade.
Understandably,

Heidi is still revel-

ing in the Center-

fold experience.

“Once in a while

I look at the pic-

tures," Heidi says.

“I feel good about

them. I wouldn't

do anything dif-

ferently.” But

that's not to say

she doesn't have

a sense of humor -
about getting old- Heidi Becker.
er. "It's nice to be remembered,"
she says. "I still get fan m
One fan asked me to do a Play-
mate video. I wrote the guy back
and asked him if he knew of a

good plastic surgeon!"

vision show Falcon Crest used to be
filmed here. These things, plus my

six kids, keep me
busy. I love it.”

ANNA NICOLE'S RUNWAY ROMP

Anno Nicole Smith showed off plus-size Жімдес in Lane Bryant's New York fashion show.
The event, which took place at Studio 54, was emceed by Stephen Baldwin and ended with
performance by Aretho Franklin. “I love Aretha, but | don't think she likes me," An-
no Nicole told the New York Daily News. "She gove me o dirty look.” Anna Nicole man-
aged їо get plenty of respect from bosom buddy Roseanne (pictured) ond from cheering
onlookers while she soshoyed down the catwalk,

Laura Misch, Miss February
1975, is a friend, so if I say any-
one other than her she'll kill
me. I met her when I was 19 or

20 in New Orleans

when we worked
in the same restau-
rant—I was a DJ, J
she was a wait- y
ress. She'd
become a
Playmate the
year before.
Then we
drifted apart.
She saw me on
The Daily Show
and called me.

| June 14: Miss February 1989
Simone Eden

| June 15: Miss November 1977

Rita Lee

| June 15: Miss February 1998
Julia Schultz

June 20: Miss January 1997

| ` Jami Ferrell

June 30: Miss May 1981
Gina Goldberg

The movie Die!
Die! Die!, starring
Richard Grieco and
Greg Evigan, is
probably not on
your must-see list,
but can you guess
which Playmate's
legs are featured
on the box art (left)
for the film? How
about Elke Jein-
"sen's? Although she's not in the mov-
ie, Elke lent her gams to the cause.

Shauna Sand and her
hubby, Lorenzo Lamas, Ё |
are building a family
faster than you can
say Renegade: They ¿E
welcomed their third
daughter, Isabella
(the other girls are
Alexandra and Vic-
toria). "My kids are
a priority. I do the

188 mommy thing and

PLAYMATE NEWS

act, although not full-time," Shauna

says. Will we ever see the Lamas
daughters in prayoy? “I wouldn't
mind if they posed," Shauna says.
"Lorenzo would die. 1 mentioned it
10 him and he was like, "Over my
dead body! I'm locking them up and
sending them to boarding school"

Anna-Marie Goddard, our 40th An-
niversary Playmate, hosted a bash at
the Mansion. We called her for some
behind-the-scenes dirt.

Q: What was your favorite part of the
evening?
A: I'm always being interviewed, so it
was great reversing roles. I loved get-
ting to talk to Hef more. I can usually
only get in a “Hi, how are you?" be-
cause he gets bombarded at partics.
Q: Who were you dying to meet?
A: Larry Elder. I'm

"me -- a fan of his radio

ESSAI show. 1 love his wit
and brains. He was

J incredibly cool.

Q: We hear that you have a great
singing voice.

A: l've always enjoyed singing, and
people have said I'm good at it. I'm
working on getting into the music
business. We'll see how it turns out.
Q: What's the most recent place you
modeled?

A: All over the Yucatan peninsula—in
the jungle. on the beaches and in
the ruins. I'm an expert at getting
away with public nudity. 1 do it with-
out permits. In Cobá a group of tour-
ists stumbled upon me when 1 was
naked. I tried to cover up, but they
said, "No, don't. We like it!” I guess it
gave them something to talk about
over their margaritas.

PLAYMATE GOSSIP

Pamela Anderson and Marcus
Schenkenberg have ended their
romance, but their Iceberg cloth-
ing ads (pictured)

are still
"I don't

€ want to

take
care of
— any-
one other than
my kids,” Pam
told London's
Capital Ra-
dio. . . . Mar-
tha Smith,
who played
the cute soror-
ity girl who ran around in her
panties in Animal House, is ready
to act again. "It's a good time for
my age range,” she says. . .. Look
for Julia Schultz as a gambler
alongside Chris Tucker and
Jackie Chan in Rush Hour 2...
Men around the
world are mourn-
ing the demise of
Baywatch Hawaii,
which stars PMOY
Brande Roderick
(shown here bak-
ing cookies). The
final episode airs
the week of May
21... . Carrie
Stevens and Su-
zanne Stokes (pic-
tured) had a
g'day promoting
Girls Down Under at a trade show
in Las Vegas. . . . Irina Voronina,
Jessica Lee, Angel Boris, De-
anna Brooks, Tishara Cousino,
Kristi Cline and Corinna Har-
ney joined Hef at Playboy's Mu-
sic Awards party at the Hard
Rock Hotel and Casino in Vegas.
Sin City is still hungover.

Corrie and Suzanne
Dawn Under.

Pam ond her ex.

TIME FOR YOUR
LITTLE BLACK BOOK TO GROW UP.

DEBBIE
FROM DALLAS

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WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

LAND, SEA AND AIR

owever you launch a summer vacation, you'll want to Master RC, an automatic 35mm camera that's waterproof to a
outfit it right. For road trips use the hands-free Car Cell depth of 160 feet. It's dark down there, so don't forget SeaLife's
Phone System by Sharper Image. The cradle turns your rubber-armored external flash. Tote or ship six bottles of your best

cell phone into a speakerphone and in-
cludes Hear-It-Again, a feature that can let you
record phone calls in a 20-second loop for in-
stant playback. Sony's portable PS one will keep
your driving partner amused when she's not
snoozing on your shoulder. Attach the PS one
to InterAct's Mobile Monitor, and she can en-
joy video games powered by the car's cigarette
lighter outlet. If your summer travel involves time
aboard your private yacht (or runabout), tote
along Kristline Corp.'s Grill4All portable grill. It
cooks in three modes (electric, charcoal and
propane) and folds into its own carrying case. To
capture the briny world there's SeaLife's Reef-
JAMES IMBROGNO

Left, clockwise from top: Bounty Hunter's
triple-insulated six-bottle wine safe ($200).
For airplane reading there’s America From
Space, an astronaut's view in 128 aerial
Shots ($30). Pioneer's PDV-LC20 is the light-
est portable DVD player available ($1550).
Use it with Sennheiser's HDC 451 noise-re-
ducing headphones ($200) and the DVD40
Portfolio DVD carrying case by Targus ($30).
Below: Kristline Corp.'s Grill4All portable
grill for use on land and sea ($250). Gravi
Footwear's Code slip-on shoes are ventilat-
ed for hot days ($80). Smart sons of beach-
es take along Fodor's Pocket Aruba and
Pocket Los Cabos ($10 each) when heading
south. SeaLife’s Professional Dive Camera
Set ($400) includes an external flash to help
prove your big-fish stories.

wine anywhere in the Ultimate Wine Sale
from Bounty Hunter. It's made of aircraft
aluminum and is triple insulated with rub

Above, left to right: The Car Cell Phone System by Sharper Image turns a cell phone into a ber and foam to keep your vino cool and
speakerphone so you can keep your hands on the wheel (about $130). Garmin’s StreetPilot Ш secure. The removable lid includes lockable
GPS system and its built-in voice prompt will ensure that you don't overshoot your exit ($1300). latches so baggage handlers can't help
InterAct's Mobile Monitor ($150) attaches to Sony's PS опе ($100). Fodor's Flashmaps ($10 themselves. Other sizes are available for
each) are quickie guides to important locations, such as the best bars in town. as few as two bottles. —JASON BUHRMESTER 191

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 168.

Mies rapevine
Gathering Moss

Supermodel KATE MOSS had a new look on the runway during Milan Fashion
Week. Wearing Gucci and a new blonde do, the controversial Ms. Moss
definitely got our attention.

Tami Holds Up
TAMI GOYA has kicked up
the sand on Baywatch
Hawaii and posed for the
South Sea Island Girls
2002 calendar.

Not Boris"
Natasha
This is the beautiful
and sexy NATASHA
RICHARDSON—
decked out in basic
black. After the made-
for-TV movie Haven,
she joined director
Ethan Hawke's en-
semble cast for Last
Word on Paradise.

Getting to the Roots
Grammy winners the ROOTS collaborated with Spike Lee on the
Bamboozled soundtrack but have spent much of the past year

192 workingon solo projects. Look for the group's new CD this fall.

Hilary Does
See-Through
‘Academy Award winner
HILARY SWANK hasn't
looked like a boy in
ages, and this terrific
outfit is exhibit A. In
her upcoming movie
Affair of the Neck-
lace, she plays a des-
titute aristocrat in
pre-Revolutionary
France, with co-
stars Adrien
Brody and Joely
Richardson (as
Marie An-
toinette).
Vive la
Swank.

Boxers or Briefs?

Glittery SHANTELLE LOURDES has appeared on TV's
М.Р, as a spokesmodel for the 2000 Summer X-Games on ESPN and
in Rangefinder magazine.

Honey
Buns

When model
and aspiring ac-
tress CHELSEA
NICOLE isn't
working on her

WRAP SESSION

From Deviant, the
company that devel-
oped Liquid Latex
(the sexy second skin
featured in Potpourri
in September 1999),
comes body-friendly
Fashion Wrap. “Cre-
ate shiny, skintight
vinyl clothing” is how
Deviant advertises its
new product. We bet
your fertile imagina-
tions can come up
with kinkier ways to
have fun with the
reusable PVC tape
that sticks only to it-
self, not to skin or
hair. A 70-foot roll
two inches wide costs
$10.95; three-and-a-
half-inch-wide rolls
go for $15.95. Colors
available are opaque
black and red and
translucent blue (oth-
ers by special order).
Call Deviant at 888-
338-4268 and let the
good times roll.

AFRICA CALLS

It’s dinnertime at Mombo Camp (above) in Botswana's Okavango Del-
ta, and if you're going on safari this is the way to rough it. Mombo i
just one of 26 African lodges featured in Abbeville Press’ Simply Safari, a
192-page hardcover with text and 200 color photos by wildlife photog-
raphers Daryl and Sharna Balfour. Some of the establishments pictured
are tree-house camps, others are thatched bungalows and luxury lodg-
es. Addresses for the lodges are included in the book, along with a
source list of American stores that sell tribal art, rustic furniture and
194 other А! n stuff. Price: $45 in bookstores.

GIN COMES CLEAN

Back in the Roaring Twenties, Manhattan

boasted 30,000 speakeasies. No wonder
bootleg gin was made in bath-
tubs. Now Caswell-Massey of-
fers New York Bath Tub Gin,
a juniper-scented bath and — ^ — p
shower gel that's almost as |!
refreshing аз а martini. А
32 oz. bottle costs $25,
from www.caswellmas
sey.com. Bottoms up!

HAT TO GO

Topless touring will be more fun this
summer if you're wearing Moal's paint-
able ABS plastic Hot Rod Hat, with a
leather neck shield and chin strap (it's a
novelty, not a safety helmet). The hat is

a reproduction of the helmet European
and American race car drivers wore 50
years ago. Price: $95.95. It looks great
with Moal's aviator goggles ($100), which
come with clear and tinted lenses. Call
510-834-0171 to order.

ZAP UP YOUR SUMMER

In-line skating and skateboarding are better when you're being
propelled by ZAP's new Powerski, a rechargeable gizmo that will
tow you along at speeds up to 15 miles per hour. Each battery
charge is good for about seven miles, and the Powerski also acts
as a brake on downhill runs. Price: $699. Call 800-251-4555 or
go to zapworld.com for more information.

HOW FRENCH!

The website lfrance.com cele-
brates everything French—
except the rudeness. It’s es-
pecially helpful if you're
planning a trip to France.
The site provides an exclu-
sive online English version of
the Petit Futé guides to Paris,
Brittany, Burgundy, Bor-
deaux, Normandy and Pro-
vence. (Petites Futés are highly
regarded by locals for their
canny insights.) Gallic restau-
rants, hotels, shops, night-
spots and more are featured
on the site, along with Fran-
cophile celebrities such as
author Peter Mayle.

AHOY, MATE!

The golden age of pin-ups lives on in Seaside Sweethearts and
Pirate and Gypsy Girls. These two new softcovers from Collectors
Press are devoted to sexy illustrations from years ago of babes
by the shore, pirate maidens and fortune-telling femmes. (There

are 14 images

in each book.) Detective writer Max Allan Collins

wrote the text. Price: $11.95 each. Call 800-423-1848 to order.

NEW LAND FOR ART

Art historian James Danziger has teamed with
digital printmaker David Adamson to create
artland.com, a website that offers framed and
unframed digital prints of fine art paintings
and photographs, at prices ranging from $95 to
$750. (Danziger estimates about half the images
he offers have never been available as prints to
the public.) Leading museums, artists and pho-
tographers (or the estates representing them)
have signed on. That's Frank Powolny's image
of MM below. Go to artland.com for a look at
the full inventory of available choices.

TURNED ON TO NEON

Neon is a great underappreciated art form, es-
pecially the over-the-top signs in which bowling
pins crash, cowboys twirl lariats and naked ladies
languish in martini glasses. It's all celebrated in
Vintage Neon, a $59.95 Schiffer hardcover by
Len Davidson. He collects and restores the best
of what has survived wrecking balls and the
ravages of time. Call 610-593-1777 to order.

195

BNext Month

196

ALL NEW РАМ

PAMELA ANDERSON—WITH V/.P., MTV AND PAMTV.COM,
SHE'S THE MOST SUCCESSFUL PLAYMATE IN HOLLYWOOD.
BUT SHE ALWAYS REMEMBERS HER PLAYBOY ROOTS. BRAND-
NEW NUDES—HER GREATEST YET—FOR YOUR EVER-GROW-
ING PAMELA SHRINE

ROID RAGE—ONCE THE FAVORITE OF BODYBUILDERS. STE-
ROIDS HAVE GONE MAINSTREAM. IS SOCIETY SUFFERING
FROM ^BIG-O-REXIA'? WHY ARE SO MANY GUYS SOLD ON
STEROIDS? JUST WHAT ARE THE RISKS? A REALITY CHECK
BY SCOTT DICKENSHEETS

GET IT STRAIGHT ONCE AND FOR ALL—YOU DON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEMEN AND SPERM? ORGASM
AND ORIGAMI? HEY, EVEN THE PRESIDENT CAN GET TRIPPED
UP OCCASIONALLY. HERE'S AN ARTICLE THAT COULD CHANGE
YOUR LIFE

PLAY CAN BE SO DEADLY AND WHAT FUN TO BE REBORN—
THE SCREENWRITER OF SPIELBERG'S A./. PRESENTS THESE
STORIES OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, IN WHICH ROBOTS
HAVE FEELINGS AND BRINGING A BOY BACK TO LIFE MEANS
RECHARGING HIS BATTERY. FICTION BY BRIAN ALDISS

CHRIS MATTHEWS —THE HOST OF CNBC'S HARDBALL TAKES
^ SWING AT ALL THE TOUGH ISSUES. ON DECK: SCHOOL
SHOOTINGS, BUSH IN OFFICE, CLINTON'S PARDONS, THE
PERILS OF 24-7 CABLE AND THE CRITICS WHO CALL HIS SHOW
"SCREAM TV." PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID RENSIN

MISS JULY

THE GOLDEN AGE OF BASEBALL—MOST FANS WAX NOS-
TALGIC ABOUT THE DAYS OF BABE RUTH, HANK AARON AND
JOE DIMAGGIO. ALLEN BARRA SAYS BASEBALL'S GREATEST
ERA IS THE PRESENT

SEX 2001—WANT TO GET BUSY? PLAYBOY ADVISOR CHIP
ROWE SAYS SEX IN THIS CENTURY IS KINKIER THAN EVER. AN
INVENTION CALLED LICK-A-LOT-O-PUSS MAY HAVE SOME
THING TO DO WITH THAT. READ THE ARTICLE WITH YOUR GIRL

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE—HE'S AN MTV JACKASS ON THE BRINK
OF MOVIE STARDOM. WARREN KALBACKER QUESTIONS THE
PRANKSTER ABOUT PAIN THRESHOLDS, PENIS ENHANCE:
MENTS, POO COCKTAILS, BOVINE LOVE AND WHY HE'S IN
BIG TROUBLE WITH HIS WIFE. HEY—WE NEVER SAID HE WAS
CLASSY. A FUN-FILLED 200,

SURFING'S NEW МАМЕ TODAY'S AGGRESSIVE SURFING
WOULD MAKE THE BEACH BOYS WIPE OUT. CHRIS COTE HAS
THE LOWDOWN ON TRICKS, VIDEO GAMES, BOARDS, HOT
SPOTS AND GEAR. JUST DON'T SAY “HANG LOOSE”

TRAVEL NO-NO'S—NEVER TIP IN JAPAN. DON'T CROSS YOUR
CHOPSTICKS IN CHINA. HEADING OFF TO ITALY? TO GREECE?
LONDON? CHECK THIS OUT FIRST.

PLUS: THE RISE AND FALL OF A BOY-BAND SINGER, KERISSA
FARE GOES DEEP ON SEX, TWO-WAY PAGERS, A GUY'S GUIDE
TO MARTIAL ARTS, AND A BIG CITY POLICEWOMAN WHO
STOPS TRAFFIC—AND WE'VE GOT HER NUDE

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