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seven ROUNDS with Pam. It's more than any man could hope
for. Yet here she is, Pammy the Great, the Golden Delicious, in
her lucky seventh pictorial in pLavsoy. The inventive photos
by Dovid LaChapelle pushed the boundaries of sexual adven-
ture without falling off the edge. As the playland expands, so
does our understanding of the physical sciences. For example,
the clitorisis less like a button and more like an iceberg. There
is a woman out there who once came 134 times in a row. And
like protean batsman Mark McGwire, porn stars sip nutrition-
al cocktails to help them keep wood. Yes, we have the recipes
and more astounding news in True Sex Tales of the 21st Century.
It's by Chip Rowe, the Playboy Advisor.

Once it was The McLaughlin Group. Then Meet the Press. Yo-
day, the most intense hour of politics occurs on MSNBC’
Hardball, hosted by Chris Matthews. Read Matthews’ Playboy In-
terview by David Rensin. It crackles

From chad choler to Roid Rage. That's the title of an arti-
cle on steroid mania by Scott Dickensheets. (Art by Scott Miller.)
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, negative
effects range from ball shrinkage to liver damage. However,
anecdotal evidence suggests the government demonizes the
drug and young men are ignoring the warnings. Read Dick-
ensbeets for both sides of the story. Thanks to the influx of
Hong Kong action movies, many guys are intrigued by mar-
tial arts. / Can Kiss Your What? by Chauncey Hollingsworth is а
guide to schools of study, like karate and kung fu and Brazil-
jan u. Use it if you want to choose a program as a good
workout or as a shortcut to throwing hands in a bar fight. The
artwork by Dovid Voigt is kick-ass. Sensei, hi!

Chipper is better than Mike Schmidt. Pedro Martinez is
tops. Ken Griffey outpaces relics like Ruth and Aaron. In The
Age of Baseball, Allen Вата throws a slurve at purists
st the best ballplayers wore wool. Don't heckle, it's just
а game unlike surfing, which is a hobby, a destination and а
way to meet chicks, Surfing's New Wave by Chris Cote will show
you how to do all three. Or you could just suck. Being a bad
skateboarder launched the career of Johnny Knoxville, star of
MTV's Jackass. There's nothing he won't do. In a 20 Questions
by Warren Kalbacker that’s like a mule kick to the head, Knox-
ville describes how he's able to absorb а .22 in the chest and a
is ball rifled to his nuts.
ior Editor Timothy Mohr is of an age when his buddies are
walking down the aisle. Marriage Is in the Air is Mobr's red-flag
letter to American bachelors. After all, sexual variety is the
spice of Playmate Kerissa Fore’s life. In Centerfolds on Sex she
tells Brenda Venus just how she likes it.

Before his death, Stanley Kubrick obsessed over a story by
Brion Aldiss. He enlisted screenwriters to turn the tale—about
а robot who thought he was a boy—into а movie he called A.Z.
It's now the newest release from Steven Spielberg, and this
month Aldiss brings us two installments about the boybot who
started it all. The poignant excerpts are from Supertoys Last All
Summer Long (St. Martin's). The artwork is by Istvan Banyai.

Boy bands getting to you? Dressing well is the best revenge.
The clothes on singer joe McIntyre, star of our spoof So You
Want to Be a Star, will put the spotlight back on you. The
styling is by our in-house fashion god, Joseph De Acetis. You'll
save yourself a lot of travel pains by reading up on food faux
pas in Going Abroad? by John Mariani. Traveling to Los Angeles?
Don't run а red, unless you hope to meet Ginger Harrison. Нег
pictorial was shot by photographer Alison Reynolds. Ginger is
an LAPD officer, and yes, her collars match her cuffs.

LACHAPELLE ROWE RENSIN

MILLER

HOLLINGSWORTH VENUS KALBACKER

MARIANI ALDISS BANYAT

МОНЕ REYNOLDS

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), July 2001, volume 48, number 7. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regi
ake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. С

nal editions, Playboy, 680 North
Ча Post Canadian

Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues, Postmaster: Send address change to
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007, For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

ЅЕХеР TH ;

SPECIAL SEASON PREMIERE Y ~
SUN YAY, JUNE З, 9PM/8C E
TWO ERES O DES ВИ В TO BACK

ON VIDEO AND DVD ITS NOT TV тв HBO? |

ar Enertainment Company, LP. Ан тиз reserved. Ф Service mares of Time Warner Entertainment Company, LP.

HE COMPLETE
HBO.com AOL KeyWord! ТО, 52061 Ни

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МЕРА

PLAYS

contents!

vol. 48, no. 7—july 2001

features

130

135

141

TRUE SEX TALES OF THE 21ST CENTURY
Sex in the new century is heating up fast. Here are Ihe new videos, toys and players
that are pushing the envelope. BY CHIP ROWE

YO, “TWO WAY” ME
Two-way text messaging pagers are trendier than hands-free cell phones. We checked
ош the speed-dial lists on the beepers of the stars.

MARRIAGE IS IN THE AIR

The pressure to tie the knot is ballooning —marrying young is back. Don't panic.
With meticulous concern for your bachelor well-being, we present all the arguments
pro and con. Now you can panic. BY TIMOTHY МОНЕ.

ROID RAGE

Want to get really cut? Have more beautiful women than you can handle?
Steroids do the job. The side effects may even be negligible—if you believe the
propaganda. BY SCOTT DICKENSHEETS

SURFING'S NEW WAVE
The best places to go for waves, groupies and naked surfing, plus a roundup of
new gear. BY CHRIS COTE

CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: KERISSA FARE
Kerissa likes her guy to help her shave it all off, then have a quickie in the tub.

20Q JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Testing out a bulletproof codpiece isn't everybody's сир of tea. But for Johnny
Knoxville, it led to a deal with MTV. His inspiration? As а kid, his dad had him
smack visitors in the nads for a laugh. BY WARREN KALBACKER

THE GOLDEN AGE OF BASEBALL

Waxing nostalgic for those legends of yore who ran, stole and cracked homers to
packed stadiums of loyal fans? Take off the rose-colored glasses. We're witnessing
baseball’s greatest era right now, BY ALLEN BARRA

fiction

SUPERTOYS: PLAY CAN BE SO DEADLY and

WHAT FUN TO BE REBORN

For sentient machines life can be tough. You never know who your real friends
are—until a dead battery lands you in the junk heap. BY BRIAN ALDISS

interview

CHRIS MATTHEWS

Long before he became host of MSNBC's Hardball, Chris Matthews was always
up for a Capitol Hill dogfight. In a pitcher's duel with Fı AYBOY, Matthews brings
the heal. BY DAVID RENSIN

cover story

It tokes а lat of waman to be larger than life—
but that's Pamela Anderson. Bewitching on
Baywatch ond а VI.P on VIP, she creates
waves wherever she gues. Photogropher Dovid
LoChopelle shot her armed ond dangerous for
aur cover, which is haw we like her. Inside, Pam
revisits her fabulaus career with all-new pic-
tures. Our Rabbit is right ап top af things.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal

Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. хотами Ир MOrrisuse.com oF call H7 2 PMUSAWEB.
Ja ита лсо! ne av. ger cigarette by FTE mathod,

vol. 48, no. 7—july 2001

PLAYBOY.

| contents continued | continued

pictorials

144

THE ARRESTING

OFFICER GINGER

Call the cops. But when

you see Ginger, it's the fire
department you'll need.
PLAYMATE:

KIMBERLEY STANFIELD
This Canadian beauty will make
you want to become a Mountie.
THE ADVENTURES OF РАМ.

The hitchhiker’s guide to her
galaxy. Thumbs-up.

notes and news

THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY
Hef gels waxed, Hard Rock
girls party.

HANGIN’ WITH HEF

Kevin Spacey and Jamie Foxx
kick it with the Man.

THE PLAYBOY FORUM
Sperm wrangling, sex on TV.
PLAYMATE NEWS

Johnnie Cochran's favorite Play-

mate; a Jenny McCarthy time line.

departments

PLAYBILL

DEAR PLAYBOY

AFTER HOURS

WIRED

LIVING ONLINE

MEN

MANTRACK

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

126
181
187
188
190

PARTY JOKES

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY
ON THE SCENE
GRAPEVINE

POTPOURRI

lifestyle

FASHION: SO YOU
WANT TO ВЕ А STAR

Joe McIntyre, formerly of New
Kids on the Block, shows how to
вои solo. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

A GUY'S GUIDE TO
MARTIAL ARTS

What's t'ai-chi worth т a bar
fight? How fast can I learn
judo? We have the dojo mojo.
BY CHAUNCEY HOLLINGSWORTH

GOING ABROAD?

Don't flash the OK sign in
Brazil—it means screw you. Travel
faux pas from Bali to Brest.

BY JOHN MARIANI

reviews

MUSIC
Rammstein returns; Foo Fighters
and NOFX join forces.

MOVIES

Hollywood musicals reconsidered.
VIDEO

Screen bullies, Denis Leary.
BOOKS

Blacks in the military, the new
Mosley, baby boom bust.

PRINTED IN USA,

PLAYBOY

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You сал score а week of
the hard life on the

a cm о о on pre ero aur e mts o

villa, personal chef, and

your very own chauffeur.

Plus bring three friends

STD:

along for the ride. You'll
tan it by day, shake it
by night, and partake of
Kahlón Black Russians
anytime you feel Ehe urge.
Yeah, this is gonna be hell.
To enter the
he Hot Spot with
KahiGa Sweepstakes,
dial up kahlun.com
or Eonline.con.
And pack your bags.

PLAYBOY

HUGH M. HEFNER

editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
ТОМ STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE pholography director
JOHN REZE!

associate managing editor

VIN BUCKLI

у, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
FORUM: JAMES R PETERSEN senior staff writer; cue ROWE associate editor; varıy LAMBERTI editorial
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER assistant edilor; DAN HENLEY

administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO Senior editor; ALISON LUNDGREN, BARBARA

NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT в. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; CAROL
ACKERBERG, REAGAN BROOKS, LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALEK.
HARRIET PEASE editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: BRETT HUSTON
associate editor; АМАНЕЕ ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant edilors; REMA SMITH senior researcher;
GEORGE НОРАК, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; YIM GALVIN

RIBUTING
‚ GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL

JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN froofreaders; URVAN BRAUER assistant; CO!
EDITO;

Е ASA BABER, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOLC

KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF

ART
KERIG rore managing art director; SCOTT ANDERSON. BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS Senior
art directors; вов WILSON assistant art director; PAUL CHAN Senior art assistant; JOANNA NETZGER art
assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinalor; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN sentor arl administrator

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; им LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER senior editor;
FATTY BEAUDETERANCES, STEPHANIE MORRIS associate edilors; RENAY LAKSON assistant editor; RICHARD
FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAC. RICHARD IZUI, DAVID МЕСЕУ. BYRON NEWMAN. POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA
contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOL staff photographer: вил. мнпе studio manager—
los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN
PENNY EKKERT, GISELA ROSE production coordinators

PRODUCTION
MARIA MANDIS direclor; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO. CINDY PONTARELLL, RICHARD
QUAETABOLI, DEBUIE тил о, associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TERIVLA fypesellers; RILI WENWAY

SIMMIE WILLIANS prepress; CHAR KROWCZVR. ELAINE PERRY assistanls

CIRCULATION

LARRY A. РЕЖЕ newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS котоко subscription circulation director;

CINDY RAKOWITZ communications director

ADVERTISING

JAMES DIMONEKAS associate publisher; JOE HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLL direct
response manager; TERRI BUNOFSKY marketing director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director;
CAROL. SUUCKHARDT research director;

ЕМ YORK: ELISABETH AULEPP KIM COHEN, STEVEN MUMFORD,
KARLA TEWES; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER; CHICAGO: BILL ROUSE; ATLANTA: BILL
BENTZ, SARAH HUEY, GREG MADDOCK; MARIE ИКМЕМО advertising business manager;
KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator

READER SERVICE,

MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE

MARCIA TERKONES rights & permissions director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC,
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer

MICHAEL T CARR president, publishing division

Pour | par rt Камба. and

2 [I2 parts Stoli vodka over ice. Stir.

t Then enjoy the evening. EA

"Му favorite label 15

hen it comes to

labels, it's all in how

you use them, says
Brande Roderick, Playboy's
Playmate of the Year. So when
she needs help with organization,
she turns to her Brother P-Touch®
electronic labeling system.

Brande's captivating ways have
most recently landed her roles
on Baywatch and Just Shoot Me,
and movies such as Babylon Five
and Armageddon. She's acted in
commercials and appeared on
several TV shows, including
Beverly Hills 90210 and Love Boat.
Here, Brande tells us how
Brother's electronic labeling
system helps her make the
most of her life, fun and work.

С] OK, Brande, | had а set of questions to
ask you, but | seem to have misplaced them.
So we'll just have to wing it.

& Your file folders are a mess. You should
use the Brother P-Touch electronic labeling
system. It makes life so much easier.

‘what's your life like these days?

AWith auditions and all the parties at the
Mansion and everywhere else, | find myself
packing my bags and traveling around more
than ever. So | label all my little travel bottles
to make things easier. Still, it can be hectic.

Q What brings you down to earth?

@ An afternoon playing with my dog,
Mercedes. She's so sweet and good-natured.
When it's time to unwind or get ready for a big
night out, | like listening to music. | have my
CD tower labeled according to mood, so 1
always get exactly what I want.

Sounds like you're getting used to getting
what you want.

а guess | am.

Do you label men?

@ | try not to. Sometimes
they label themselves.

С] If you had a free week-
end night, what would

you do?

ага call up a bunch of girl-
friends and invite them over

for a slumber party. We'd

watch horror movies and get really scared. I've
got hundreds of video tapes, literally. So I've
labeled my collection and arranged it by
category. Из like having my very own
video store.

CJ OK, you always look devastatingly perfect,
even in those candid photos at parties or
hanging with Hef. How much time do you
spend getting ready in the moming?

а Not as much as | used to. Now that I have
all my hair product and mekeup drawers
labeled, | find exactly what | need in а snap.
And Brother labels are laminated and durable,
зо they won't fade or come off easily. So no

more rifling through drawers.

CJ Is there any area in your life where you

go overboard?

A My shoe collection, maybe. I have so many,
I need a separate closet for them. | keep them
all in boxes, with color-coded labels that tell
in each box.

me exactly what‘

G You seem to use the Brother P-Touch
electronic labeling system for just about
everything.

Well, you've seen my centerfold data sheet,

you know what my handwı

ing looks like!

With an array of options including

| different type styles and fonts,

colors, symbols, and label widths,
the Brother P-Touch electronic

labeling system can organize
everything in your home, garden,
and office.

At your side.

Brother International Corporation, Bridgewater, NJ
Brother Industries Ltd., Nagoya, Japan

Playboy 2001

P-Touch is a registered trademark of Brother International Corporation
Playboy and Playmate of the Year are marks of Playboy and used with permission.

WORLD PLAYBOY

HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES

SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL AT THE HARD ROCK

PLAYBOY's April Sex and Music issue, featuring the Girls of the Hard Rock Hotel and
Casino, got the royal treatment at a Las Vegas party. Even the slot machines were repli-
cas of Playmate Irina Voronina's cover. Hard Rock owner Peter Morton accepted mem-
orabilia from Steven Van Zandt (Silvio on The Sopranos) as the party rocked on.

FAMILY TIES

Dyan Cannon and A.J. Langer's sitcom, Three Sis-
ters, aired a Bunny-themed episode starring Play-
mates, and Hef welcomed wrestler Jerry “the King”
Lawler and his wife, Stacy "the Kat,” tothe Mansion.

HEF'S HOUSE OF WAX

Will the real Hugh M. Hetner please stand up? Members of his party posse thought they
were seeing double when the Hollywood Wax Museum replicated Hef in honor of his
75th birthday. The exhibit features four of the most famous women to have graced
PLAYBOY's pages, including Marilyn Monroe, who appeared on the first cover in 1953.

| Basic | vary depending on how you smoke the cigarette. p

FULL
FLAVOR

© Philip Morris inc, 2001
16 mg “tar,” 1.0 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method
The amount of “tar” and nicotine you inhale will >

For more information about PM USA and its products,
visit www. philipmorrisusa.com or call 1-87 -PMUSAWEB.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette

Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

250,
STANDARD
HAMMOCKS

MYRTLE BEACH, SC VACATIONS |

* 5 days/4 nights,

|
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0 STEAK KNIFE SETS |
Y WITH KEE
GIFT CERTIFICATES

• Gallon of specialty sauco
• Steak knife set of 8

СТ

«ash, air and hotel
included and his

and hers flip-flops
and Haws i

n shirts

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE BASIC PART 3 SWEEPSTAKES OFFICIAL RULES
PARTICIPATION LIMITEO TO SMOKERS 21 ANO OLOER. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.

1. HERES HOW TO ENTER On an ol ertry er ordy, in thespaces provided, indicate your compte name ades (лема) ZIP cde) nd your dalë of birh You mus ако answer all quests
IMPORTANT order Delle for a prize. you must косавуди dle ol bith and sin узи ane i she spaces pode o eer em cry tha you area smoke 21 years lage or eras ol dale б елу.
2. WHERE TO MAIL YOUR COMPLETED ENTRY Mal yor completed erty ит ina Fantadetessed 4-18" x 8-172" £10 (busiress-size) envelope wih a Art cians postage samp alle, кс Eas Рап 3
Sweepstaes, PO. Вох 4287. Bar, NE 63009 487. Пати one entr pe ur maling envelope. Entries mus! be ес by 8/07/01

Alen та: be on cil esty те опу Но photocopied or mechanically reproduced entry toms accepled. For each sional sweepstakes ey Кит you wou Melo receive. sead a par. sd desse.
stamped РО (tusmess-sie envelope 10. Basi Pan 3 Entry eques. PO Box 4132, Bai. NE 6809-4132. Lii oe request pe ouer railing ере adt te slale of УЛ only read rol айа posage Io
eun envalopes.Pacpaton lite lo esderts dl tho US wo are smokers, 21 years ol age rose Entry form requests must be received by 6/1/01

3 GENERAL RULES: Swerystakes oper 10 residents c! he US. wha are smokes, 21 yrs of age с older al tne ol erry Employee Cl Philip Moris Incorporated ГРМ LS) Us ales зае, adiing
"and promotion agencies элй Ihe inmediate try members ol each ме по eligible. Vid n MA, M, МА and whara proniled by law AI edel, state and Ica biws эга нро apply Alans become the
Fui propery of PM USA ard wil nat be retume. PM USA wil rol be responsible or lest. за darage,postage-due mise or пића тай коте o legible eres, entries witout a signe or
eres га including a ale ol bith wil be dered ull ard voc. A random drawing анак al prizes wil be held оп or about 9/2501 кот among ай ЗБ entis recewed by D. L Bla, rc. an independent
ge оао vhost decisions we тай on al maters relig to ths sweepstakes. The ds туму per upon the number lie entres rece. Радета iners wil be requre o sion an reum
an Midas с lt Réesse of Lay ан Release ze Accepance Form and o submit uicit prol с ае inthe orm ola lebe photocopy с aval goverment issued ID (e Q. adver Reese) on
wich you rare ass, бие ol beh and sıgnaure appear itun 14 days ol аметре oia, Noncomplance win Ys ire period may es qual and the selection ol an atrae wer,
Winners wil be nti by mal o or tou 1/1701 Any pie ria tumed to PM USA as undéverable wi resul ит fsqalicatin and an aerate winre wil be seed, Îtaveing companions ol
коё prizewinner mes be21 years баре or lt I me ol мате ication, and wil e requred Y sign ard reum a Release o Lay and submit ке hooey ol a valî govermert sued ID prior lo
gan. Vavéers m possess retard trave! decuerts (eg. vid pháo 10 ec nd must rel ол as speed byPM USA. Lim one prae per person. Winners ae responsi пи al кота, state ard local
taes Grand Prze winner в aditoraly responsi о land cest ond development. besamery лот: any upgrades, maintenance and upkeep charges on е tome, сік Coin costs, al esae tes and
э ofr related costs. Prope, petra Ste wok. му cawecions ant ие nol praed Агу tonal tems ra SHE и Rule 44 а the sole rsporsibilt ol ha Grant Pre winner PM USA i nol
рейт any secs on ће hore lor he winner afer пе prize as beer avare Cartan biting esichons/imiations пау apply depending оп where house hl. бага and а pres may be tetrct due.
"o local codes and/or ги отете, PM USA wil по De response for виза building perms, I applicable, lr Gier ad Four prizes. Genesis Homes 1 nol sporsor c hs promotion: Рез Pie
wimers are adaicratly reponse № any applicatie ci, insurance ШЕ and reparation Из. No ander or substiution cl pree рата PM USA serve 1e hl to provde a cash lerne al s eia
лїп. Пи sweepstakes wi also e не hugh биес пай and pricpatrg rales. PM USA wil hav по бабу in corneal wath the acceptance or use ol the pias awarded

осврте d prize atte се Ае permission io vse winners ame ant fenes и commercia! purposes но futher пово and compensation, unless potted by taw

^ PRIZES AND APPROXIMATE БЕТА VALUES (ARV) A ltd 2.122 prizes wil e awarded as follows: (1) Grand Prize—a Genesis Homes “Dream Hous,” including 520000 towards zroeny ant home
Juristas, ad a Роја Flor Mats" Aqua Flow senes Месте Mal or 150.000 in cash (ARV. 150,00) Warner must cta or provide propety on wischlo bul te house wiin ore yer d wining pz (3)
First Prizes— a brand-new Ford Pichup Truck or $25 000 n cash (MSRP 425000 ва) (8) Second Prizes a Basement Game Room. Including an AMF/Piaymasler pod tatie, inci захоп Pip eren
sytem, а GLO dartboard and astray (ARV. $4.44), (Б) Third Prizes 5 ИО np lor two lo а Sau Carolina Beach ese including roundrip coach за мерой hom commacal irpo nearest
waneis home, 4 righis'accomodatons (1 roon/ócutl occupancy), use c a rental са. 1.000 spending money and tis & her Пор and Нанакап shits (ARV. $4274 2), (10) Fourth Рев — Royal
(Outdoor Риос Winchester" Wok Sted. including a whactarow and $500 tor tools or 5181 in cash, Installation nol inched. Assembly required (ARV: $1,981 ва. (25) НИ Prizes- -a Coleman®
Sonne? DIX WI two paddles or $523 in cash (ARV 5523 е2) (50) Sith Prizes Omar Stes (ıo be mare in Ге Кит cl cance) steak не ard a gallon ot specialy Sauces (ARV $507 ea) (200)
‘Seventh Prizes—a Webs Саз бе Arye бий and rapiens (ARV. 380 ез) (120) Eighth Prizes —12 moni of fut kam Entrees To Exceence (ARV. $495 03). (200) Ninth Prizes—an Ama
Hammock, meting ТМ! Ost’ sign (ARV 5167 ez), (450) Tenth Prizes-— Sweatshir Size L) (ARV S30 e: (1,000) Eleventh Prizes —a coupon or re canon of Basc partes (ARV. 2625 ва}
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It’s been three years since Hef reappeared on
the scene, and stars and Centerfolds are still cel-
ebrating his second coming. At 75, he says life
has never been better. (1) Kevin Spacey stops by
on Movie Night. (2) Hef and his sweethearts
open presents on Christmas Eve. (3) The Rose
Bowl champion Washington Huskies get a tour
of the Mansion. (4) Jamie Foxx checks in with
Hef and his foxes. (5) Hef, Buffy, Chyna and
Regina show Buffy's mom a good time at Barfly.
(6) Andy Dick catches a Sunday movie at the
Mansion. (7) Chazz Palminteri with Hef and his
blonde babies at Barfly. (8) Hef and Regina with
Dennis Quaid. (9) Viva Las Vegas! Hef and his
posse put the sin in Sin City. (10) Owner Peter
Morton welcomes Hef and Bunnies Angel Boris
and Deanna Brooks to the Hard Rock Hotel and
Casino's Playboy party. (11) Between appearing
on The Sopranos and playing in Bruce Spring-
steen's E Street Band, Steven Van Zandt finds
time to party with Hef at the Hard Rock. (12)
The girls of the Hard Rock try out Hef's round
bed. (13) Robin Leach wishes Hef a happy 75th
at Studio 54. (14) You didn't think we'd throw a
party without naked Bunnies, did you?

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FAME IS NOT ALWAYS FLEETING.

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Dear Playboy

680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLATBOVCOM

TARNISHED METALLICA
Metalheads haven't been into Metal-
lica since the Black album. Your inter-
view (April) shows why. Their overblown
cgos concerning Napster and James Het-
field's need to control everyone are two
examples of what happens to a band that.
gocs mainstream and loses its integrity.
Maybe that's why on their last tour the
line leaving the concert was four deep
each time Metallica hit the stage.
Frank Lee Gifford
Fulton, Missouri

Lars Ulrich missed the point. By at-
tacking Napster rather than working
with this new technology, he has labeled
himself a hopeless Luddite. His desire to
control the distribution of music is akin
to a stagecoach operator in 1900 want-
ing to control the movement of people.
Technology doesn't care who's right.

Pedal to the metal.

The future lies with those who use it,
Everyone else is left behind.

Jon Gold

Park City, Utah

A Metallica interview and a Napster
article in the same issue—what an inter-
esting dichotomy. It's too bad the boys in
the band don't get it, Customers don't
object to paying a royalty to the creative
artist. It's the 750-percent markup the

record companies add to the price of
CDs that drives the craze for alternative
music-delivery systems. For their next
venture, maybe Napster could get me
U2 tickets for under $100.
David Miles
Clovis, California

1 have always suspected Hetfield was
a control freak, but to stifle Newsted's
artistic talent is inexcusable.
Wendy White
Flora, Indiana

It's a shame the members of a ground-
breaking band such as Metallica can't
even talk to one another without using
an interviewer to mediate.

Douglas Levy
Pontiac, Michigan

I have words of warning for Metal-
lica: Stop the bickering
and get your shit togeth-

Rehoboth, Delaware

Not too long ago, I re-
corded Metallica's SEM
when a local radio station
played the album in its
entirety. Does this mean
Metallica will demand
that DJ pull their music
from play rotation?

Doug Jensen
Flagstaff, Arizona

Reading the Metallica interview re-
minded me of Billion Dollar Baby, a book
by Bob Greene that chronicles the drink-
ing habits, petty jealousies and creative
differences of an earlier hard rock
band—Alice Cooper. Many believe the
book was a catalyst to the band’s break-
up. Will your interview serve the same
function for Metallica?

Hugh Cook
Hickory Hills, Illinois

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SPRING FEVER

It was a surprise to see my t
tured in your Spring Break pictorial
(April). Once I got over the shock of my
daughters’ appearing in PLAYBOY, I real-
ized how really awesome this is, as they
say. The twins have always drawn a lot

of attention, but what a coup for them—
at the age of 23—to make it into such a
high-profile magazine.
Vikki Thomas
Phenix City, Alabama

Judy Handshoe has raised the bar for
sexy and provocative poses. Please show
us more of this sun goddess.
Don Camper
Atlanta, Georgia

Mia Zottoli is the most beautiful wom-
an in PLAYBOY since Carrie Stevens. Sign
her up as a Playmate.

Michael Miles
Berkeley, California

I'd love to see Spring Break gal Judy
Handshoe as a Centerfold. If she looks
that great in a thong, God help us.

(Name withheld by request)

Youngstown, Ohio

Do the right thing and make Nancy
O'Brien a full-fledged Playmate. Even
her fingernails look great.

Martin Melucci
Lodi, New Jersey

ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER

Bishop Spong (Bishop John Spong's Bul-
ly Pulpit, April) doesn’t believe in cre-
ation, original sin, the 10 Command-
ments, the resurrection, premarital sex

as sinful or much of anything else taught
in Sunday schools. It takes real courage
for someone to declare himself an athe:
ist. Christians talk a lot about courage,
but seldom practice it. It’s much easi
go along with the outfit that gave us the
Inquisition, the Crusades, witch burn
ings, ignorance and bigotry.

Keith Taylor

Chula Vista, California

As an Episcopalian, I've pondered the
pronouncements and interpretations of
our clergy. John Spong presents a his-
toric and realistic view of Christianity, a
view that isn't an intellectual embarrass.
ment to the thinking churchgocr.

Fred Beach
South Elgin, Illinois

SOLID AS A ROCK
I'm happy to have appeared in Girls of

the Hard Rock Casino (April). I'm the red-
head on page 148. Агпу Freytag is the
most sincere and professional photog-
rapher I have ever worked with, and he
made my first nude photo session most
comfortable.

Chrysti Dunn

Las Vegas, Nevada

1 enjoyed your Girls of the Hard Rock
Casino pictorial—especially the photos of
Kristen Galioto. She's gorgeous and her

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Adam Lenhardt
Nashville, Tennessee

SUN GOD
Many thanks for Jamie Mala-
nowski's informative article on
Sun Records' honcho Sam Phil-
lips (Sun Rise, April). Now I can
рига name and a face on the per-
son most responsible for the death
of the Big Band era and of good
music in general
Chick Lowry
Donner Pass, California

I've always been interested in
Sun Records and Elvis Presley.
His recording of That's All Right
(Mama) was the most significant
of the century. Many of those who
write about the Sun years feel that
Elvis abandoned his roots, but I
disagree. Ultimately, what made
Elvis great was his incredible tal-
ent—whether he was singing bal-
lads, rock and roll, country, blues
or gospel.

John Smith
Montclair, New Jersey

SINGALONGS
Music Poll winners (The Year in Music,
April) Britney Spears, Faith Hill and

Tim McGraw are all good entertainers,
but when it comes to pure musical talent,
there are many others that sing circles
around them.

Austin Scott

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

“Call me a hopeless romantic, but 1 think

you can learn a lot about someone just Бу watching their panties

go around and around.”

DRINK OF THE MONTH

The “Drink of the Month” item in
the December PLAYBOY (After Hours) de-
scribed an off-label use of our product,
Tussionex, a cough medication available
by prescription only. This product соп-
tains hydrocodone, a narcotic drug that

is a controlled substance. The prescrib-
ing information contains a precaution
advising against the use of alcohol dur-
ing treatment. We ask that you inform
your readers that the use of Tussionex
in “syrup” may place them and others
in danger.

Kim Shaffer

Celltech Americas Inc.

Rochester, New York

FUNKED UP
Thank you for showing that Ar-
mand Van Helden (“Funk Phe-
nomenon,” Afler Hours, April) is
yet another disc jockey with a
god complex. Yes, music and sex
share a similar primal energy, but
the ability го produce such music
doesn't give Van Helden warrant
to fuck with women’s heads.
J. Chowdhury
Medford, Massachusetts

WASH AND WEAR
1 thought I'd met a nice girl at
the local laundromat—that is, un-
ul she stood me up on our first
date. I'll be sure to try Mike Ewers' car-
toon one-liner (April) the next time I'm
washing my clothes.
Larry Mullen
Milton, Wisconsin

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why don't we just do it and talk about it later?

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after hours

A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING

AN OPEN LETTER
TO THE TALIBAN

Like it takes balls to blast a
120-foot stone Buddha. If you
are so itchy to blow things up,
we have better targets.

The New York Yankees: Funny
how spending more money year
in and year out can keep a team
at the top. Wait, it’s not just fun-
ny. It’s annoying.

Britney Spears’ wardrobe: Come
on, girl, give us a peck at that
stuff you're always shaking in our
faces. You tart.

England: Recently called “the leper of
Europe" by Hugh Byrne, Ireland's nat-
ural resources minister, England needs
to go. Preserving the world's right to a

TONGUE TIE

Below, you'll find an ingenious de-
vice, For starters, if can mix a mor-
tini in the gloss, Put it in your
mouth and и helps your fillings get
better reception. And when yeu at-
tach if to your longue, И massages
anything in reach. Cynics may think
the Tongue Joy vibrator (512-326-
3384) is for advanced cunnilingus.
And they'd be right:

NEWTONIAN PHYSIQUES: AT PLAY AND AT REST

For those of you who like Helmut Newton but were reluctant to shell out half
your paycheck for his Sumo (currently $2500), there’s Work (Taschen, $40).
In it yau get the same big nudes, the same celebrity foces caught in reveal-
ing poses ond the same unsettling fashion shots. Work does not need its own
table (unlike Sumo) and will fit on a normal shelf dedicated to other books
of artistic bent, Pound for pound, it's а big bargain.

Ebone steak (not carrying mad cow or something about a sideways smiley face
foot-and-mouth) certainly outweighs that makes us see red

the trifles that would be lost: Big CNN: Maybe you should do this one

Ben, Guy Ritchie, the Tower of Lon- first, actually. That way we won't have to

don and Phil Collins watch seven days of inane 24-hour cov-
The Robert Downey ју: and Darryl Straw- erage after each of the rest of these.
berry stories: We're not addicted. 1.6.1. Friday's: И we wanted to go to

The keys that make :-) possible: There's the same restaurant in every city in the 25

club (which is now forever |
in our minds with Bangkol
ton Entertainment Plaza). Clul
ager Thorbjorn Thorbjornson told The
Washington Post that the club opened in
1999 when “Clinton was having his scan-
dals. The club is on two floors. The
first floor has а stage for the strip-
tease show and the second is the
>. VIP floor, where there are rooms

Î for private dances. And there is
the Monica Lewinsky bar, where
customers can buy champagne
for the ladies. And Cuban ci-
gars.” The president's spokes-
person, asked for commen
Clinton would not be making "a re-
fueling stop in Reykjavik.”

OUR STATE’S A BLAST

It’s a great alternative to Florida's
“Choose Life” plates. The minor-
ity leader of the Nevada Sen-
ate has introduced legislation
to honor that state's role in
America’s nuclear weapons
development by issuing new
license plates that feature a
mushroom cloud.

RODENT TRACK

Britain's sporting crowd has embraced
the underground pastime of hamster гас-
ing. The hamsters compete in 10-inch-
long dragsters that are powered by exer-
cise wheels. This is clearly something
born of desperation. The foot-and-mouth
FOOTING epidemic has canceled nearly every sport
PVR YE (rom horse racing to rugby, and British
Щи bettors can't be choosers. We predict a
g of the rodents in some Atlantic
City casinos (or in the back of the Bing)
by Thanksgiving. Bettors can view
each day's card and results on
www.bluesq.com.

BUSH-LEAGUE
POLITICIANS

Rhetoric is as important
in politics as good hair.
After his arrest at a bar |
where he had gone on an
antihomosexual tirade, %
Baltimore housing com- C
missioner Paul Graz N
announced that he had
“fruitful discussions” with
members of the gay com-
munity. And in Toronto,
when naturist Malcolm
Scott opened the Nud-
ist Store—in which he
works in his birthday
suit—to serve those in
the unclothed community,
city councilor George Mam-
moliti took powerful offense
ICE, ICE, BUBBA and declared, “I think he's got
We hear that Reykjavik, Iceland is the quite the balls to open up a store
home of another monument to our for- nude.” It shouldn't be too difficult to
26 mer president: the Clinton Erotic Night- check that out.

world, we would get a Big Mac. And the
guy who gave it to us wouldn't be wear-
ing suspenders and stupid buttons.

The XFL: Forget it, you needn't bother.

BEING JOHN
MALKOVICH’S GUEST

John Malkovich is getting into the ho-
tel business in a typically Malkovichian
s Big Sleep Hotels blend the ec

centric with the unnerving. The first is
opening not in New York, Vegas

or Los Angeles, but in Cardiff,
Wales. In a former office bui
ing. It will be appointed with
Formica furnishings, and the

“Every man who's
ever fallen in love
with me fell hard the
minute | cooked a
meal for him. #5 the
way to a man's
heart.”

— Yasmine Bleeth

|
lounge upholstered in As- ЦИ
troTurf. Reminds us of a |
recent movie, but we just can’t
put our finger on the title.

PSYCHO DRAMA

Ever since the site Psychoexgirlfriend.
com launched last March, millions of

COX WATCH

Time before pLaysoY: James Cox
was an 18th century watchmaker
known for producing compli-
cated musical and automa-

ton timepieces. Some of

his watches possessed

more than mechani-

cal secrets, as is

apparent from

the piece at

left. Erotic

scenes

were

painted

inside

hidden

cham-

bers. This

one (circa

1775) is

called Venus

and Adonis. It

was made
for the
Chinese
market
and ap-
peared

as part of
the Sand-
berg Watch
Collection of-
fered at Antiquo-
rum auctioneers.

)

NEW FRAGRANCES FOR MEN AND FOR WOMEN

www. luckybrandjeans.com

AVAILABLE AT FINE DEPARTMENT STORES

PLAYBOY

people have listened to the erratic mes-
sages left on founder Mark McElwain's
cell phone by his ex-girlfriend Jill. Over
50 angry messages (25 from one night!)
map a woman's descent into despair.
(Here's one: "Well, you won. You've ru-
ined my day and ruined my night. I
know I've got to move on, and I'm going
to. Mark my words, if I don't hear from
you shortly, I'm moving on. I'm not go-
ing to play this game tomorrow. It's
draining, Mark. I'm going to bed, and
I'm certainly moving on tomorrow morn-
ing.") It gets worse—much worse. Stu-
denis at Boston College even linked the
MP3 files together to create a drinking
game in which you have to take a shot
every time she says “fuck” or "and an-
other thing." "I put the site up for ther-
apy, as a way to get over a bad relation-
ship," says McElwain of the eight months
he spent with an older (37-year-old)
woman. "In this age of instant communi-
cation, you never know where that last
voice mail could end up. People need to
take more responsibility for their ac-
tions." Some people have called for the
25-year-old Dallas resident to be more
responsible himself, accusing him of ex-
ploiting his ex-girlfriend's pain and even
concocting the whole affair as a hoax to
generate ad revenue and sell T-shirts.
"The site isn't making any money

covering costs,” he says. “I'd say 75 per-

DISH OF THE MONTH

Esca in New York has built its reputation among adventurous diners by serving
crudo, a staple of fishing villages along the Adriatic coast. Under the direction
of partners Mario Batali and Joseph Bastianich, chef David Pasternack has in
troduced Americans to this traditional (but unfamiliar) dish. Crudo (Italian for
raw) is not sashimi; each piece of uncooked fish is bathed with a selection of
Pasternack's collection of 20-plus olive oils and dusted with one of his 15 se
lections of salt (Hawaiian black lava, French algae sea, etc.). Then it's finished
with а garnish of fresh herbs or toasted nuts. Above, from left to right, is weak-

fish with soybeans, fluke with sea beans, and anchovy with fennel.

cent of the people that write have been
very supportive, and the other 25 per-
cent, well, probably want me dead.”
McElwain says he gets five or six letters a
day from sympathetic women and has

A
а

even gone out with two of them. Expect
to see stories from others about their
psycho exes as well as more-recent mes-
sages from Jill on the website. “I'm pret-
ty sure she knows about the site, but she

HERMENEUTICS OF HOOTERS

181 Vanessa Beecroft loves bringing volks to-

gether. She tried an installation where

she assembled a group of Navy Seals. И was provocative, but didn’t

have the impact she was looking for. So lately she’s been installing nude women in museums. One show

had them wearing Fidel Castro hats, another in Gucci rhinestone-studded bikinis. You get the idea. Here, Beecroft was

after what she described as a “kind of Nazi-looking picture” and installed 45 jackboot-wearing women in Vienna's new

and apily named Kuntshalle. The piece started with them all standing, but after a while some of them got tired of mak-
ing art and sat down. This would be when Dieter from Sprockets would announce, “And now vee danze.”

common interest

SIGNIFICA,

QUOTE
“I havealot X
more faith in my
plumber than I do
in the eternal be-
ing. Plumbers do
a good job. They
keep the shit flow-
ing." —CHARLES
BUKOWSKI

MANLY MANICURE
Percentage of day
spa clients in 2000
who were men: 25.
Percentage of male
clients at day spas
in 1999: 15.

РАС 'ЕМ IN

Number of Re-
publicans among
the top 10 Senate
candidates and in-
cumbents in 1999
and 2000 to receive
the largest cam-
paign donations
from insurance
and financial-ser-
vices political action committees: 10.

GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER
According to the FBI, estimated
percentage of homicides in the U.S.
that are unsolved: 30.

LOVE THOSE LAYOVERS

According to a survey conducted
by The Wall Street Journal of the na-
tion's 20 busiest airports, airport with
the most daily passengers: Atlanta
Hartsfield (223,000). Airport with the
fewest bathrooms: Atlanta Hartsfield
(30). Airport with the most bath-
rooms: Miami (384). Airport with the
most bars: Chicago O'Hare (23). Air-
port with the fewest Багз: Denver (2).

GROWING, LIKE WEED

Percentage of high school students
in 1991 who said they had tried mar-
ijuana: 31. Percentage of students
who said the same in 1999: 47. Per-
centage of students in 1991 who said
they were regular users: 15. Percent-
age of regular users in 1999: 27.

MOST VALUABLE PITCHER
Of the 47 players who have been
named MVP of the World Series since

1955 (when the
award was started),
number who were
pitchers: 23. Num-
ber of MVPs who
were catchers: 6.
All other position
players: 17.

GENDER GAP

Percentage of
men in the work-
place who current-
ly believe women
get paid less for do-
ing the same job:
13. Percentage of
women who believe
they would get paid
less than a man if
he were doing the
same job: 30.

KILL JOYS

Number of peo-
ple who were killed
in skiing accidents
in the U.S. in 1999:
30. The number of
people who were
killed on amusement park rides from
1987 to 1999: 49.

FILLING THE IN BOX

According to a survey by search
website the Vault, percentage of office
workers who said they had been in
an office romance: 44. Percentage of
workers who said they hadn't but
would be willing: 34. Of people who
had engaged in sex at the office, per-
centage who preferred to do it on a
desk: 39. Percentage of lovers who
liked it in the conference room: 35.
Percentage who used the boss’ office:
18. Percentage who said their rela-
tionship had no repercussions: 57.

SINO-ROMAN CANDLES
Of the $131 million that Americans
spent on foreign fireworks last year,
amount of fireworks made in China:

$122 million.

EYES WIDE SHUT
Percentage of Americans who suf-
fer from insomnia at least once a week:
51. Percentage who say they have in-
somnia almost every night: 29. Per-
centage who wake up early and can't
fall back asleep: 24. —raUL ENGLEMAN

hasn't said anything about it yet," he
says. “I just want everyone to learn that
people need to treat people better. This
kind of behavior isn't acceptable in to-
day's world."

TIP SHEET

Uummannaq Fjord: The site, 370 miles
north of the Arctic Cirde in Greenland,
of this year’s World Ice Golf Champi-
onship. It's 36 cold holes played by 2
entrants with pink balls

Comedy Central: The night of its 10th
Anniversary Party, That's My Bush aired
to the channel's highest ratings for a sea-
son premiere. And the new Primetime
Glick may be the show that keeps Martin
Short on the air longer than 30 days

Lassuellisms: Words or phrases gener-
ally assumed to be authentic American
folk vernacular that were actually creat-
ed by cartoonist Fred Lasswell for his
Snuffy Smith comic strip. They include
“heebie-jeebies,” “balls о’ fire," “time's
a-wasting" and “bodacious.”

ў
GATOR BAIT

Hitting Barnes and Noble book-
stores is the delightful Cajun Sexy
Cookin’ by Viola Estain and Dana
Holyfield. Pictured here is Christine
Smith, who offers the recipe for
Swamp Cowgirl's Rabbit Sauce Pi-
quante. All the Cajun honeys listed
аге adept at scoping out razorback
boars, wrestling with gators and
gigging for big frogs. It works.
Leafing through the pictures, you'll
be hungry for a taste of fresh red
snapper or a bit of nutria.

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starts the female libido. The American
craze for the Swedish drink, nicknamed
the female Viagra, started at the WycolT
Coffee House in Little Rock, Arkansas
You can go home again, Bill.

THRILLS, SPILLS,
CYANIDE PILLS

In 1960 Francis Gary Powers’ secret
aerial tour of the Soviet Union was
rudely interrupted by a Russian sur-
face-to-air missile. Four decades later,
the U2 pilot's son and namesake, Fran-
cis Gary Powers Jr., runs the Spies
of Washington Tour, a D.C.-based
bus trip that centers on espionage
|| characters of the Cold War. Visits to
| the homes of full-time partier (and

part-time spy) Aldrich Ames and
pinko poster boy Alger Hiss are inter-
spersed with anecdotes detailing the
turning of coats by Jonathan Pollard,
Ronald Pelton and the highly dysfunc
tional Walker family. The morning seg-
ment also includes a pit stop at the
Georgetown bistro where blundering
Soviet operative Vitaly Yurchenko may
or may not have tried to defect, a subject

3o. d

DUE

A] 4
ART GOES POSTAL

For nearly 10 years, two artists
have made stamps with a variety of
ironic and sexy images. They put
them on envelopes and try to get
them delivered through the Postal
Service. They've been remarkably
successful, both as artists and as
pranksters. Their book, The Stamp
Art and Postal History of Michael
Thompson and Michael Hernan-
dez de Luna (Bad Press), is a
beautiful collection of their ac-
complishments, along with
salient essays on how to lick

а stamp while your tongue 15

still in your cheek,

Hispanically: A word coined in a recent
speech by President W.: “Thousands of
small businesses, Hispanically owned or
otherwise. ..."

Granny's pies: The man who brought us
Forbidden Erotica has 100,000 photos on:
line at www.vintagenudephotos.com.

DeMarini bats: Balls fly off the double-
hulled aluminum bats with such veloci-
ty that the red, beery face of slow-pitch
softball is turning black-and-blue.

Travel Fyes2: A tracking system designed
to document trips for business travelers
and hold off audits. It employs a “tiny
satellite receiver and companion soft-
ware that automatically record and iden-
tily tax-deductible travel.”

Wuwtitpillows.co.uk: A Welsh entrepre-
neur actually received £1000 from the
Prince's Trust charity to manufacture
pillows complete with nipples. You rest
your head right in the cleavage and
sleep like a baby.

Марата: A holistic mixture of South

32 American herbs that reportedly kick-

“Love scenes are
weird to do because
you don't really know

the other person well.
It's almost like a one-
night stand, but
filmed.”

—Kyle MacLachlan

still debated in local spy cir-
cles. The tour concludes
with a visit to Fort Meade,
Maryland's little-known
National Cryptologic Mu-
seum, a converted motel
that now houses an in-
teresting collection
of eavesdropping
paraphernalia like
the bug-ridden plaque Soviet schoolchil-
dren foisted upon U.S. diplomat Averell
(Mr. Pamela) Harriman. While we would
like a tour of the tunnel under the Russ-
ian embassy (which FBI traitor Robe:
Hanssen allegedly skunked out), partici-
pants are treated to an unlimited supply
of jelly doughnuts. Red ones.

BABE OF THE MONT

Judith Exner —
Story, Showtime's
new biopic.

MARVIN GAYE'S What's Going On was re-
leased in 1971. Motown has just reissued
this masterpiece in a two-CD deluxe edi-
tion. The first disc contains the darker,
funkier Detroit mix completed a month
before the version we all know. The sec-
ond CD is anchored by a previously un-
released live version of the album, ге-
corded in D.C. in 1979. Featuring many
of the album’s original musicians (James
Jamerson on bass and Robert White on
guitar), the CD records a unique event.
— NELSON GEORGE

For all their hypermasculine postur-
ing, most metal bands are conformists,
content to play the same stuff as every-
one else. Not Rammstein. No one else
has this group's combination of brute
power, ‘Teutonic precision and impres-
sive musicality. On Mutter (Universal),

ammstein picks up where it left off on
1997's Sehnsucht and takes metal into
operatic arrangements not heard
since the demise of Queen.
What is Rammstein sing-
ing about? I don't know.
Mutter is in German, but
it doesn't matter. Use
your imagination,

CHARLES M. YOUNG

Austin-based sing-
er-songwriters are re-
Jimmy LaFave is prob-
ably best known as
a great Bob Dylan
interpreter. He deli
ers a devastating Emo-
tionally Yours on Tex-
oma (Bohemia Beat). He al-
so tackles pop art songs
like Jimmy Webb's
Moon's a Harsh
Mistress and
Gretchen Peters’ On a Bus to St.
Cloud and does a redemptive ren-
dition of Scott McKenzie's hippie hit,
San Francisco. LaFave is a patriot of the
red-dirt South, as shown in his beautiful
ode Woody Guthrie and the boisterous El-
vis Loved His Mama.

On A Mon Under the Influence (Blood-
shot), Alejandro Escovedo explores an
equally complex set of roots. Wave and
Rosalie come from the play By the Hand
of the Father, which explores his family's
move to the U.S. from Mexico. Escovedo
draws from a wide palette of influences
(including the Stooges and Stones, Dyl-
an and the Faces). Elaborate orchestra-
ns give credibility to confessional lyr-
ics such as those in Rhapsody, Across the
River and Castanets.

‘This time out, the Rainravens reach
new heights with One Last Saturday Night
(Rainravens Music), a seamless blend of

ATT

pop melodies, country-and-western har-
monies and blues grooves. Saturday Night
resembles the best of the Byrds or 1.05
Lobos. — DAVE MARSH

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, a
superstar group made up of members of
Foo Fighters and NOFX, among others,
covers Sixties pop songs. On Blow in the
Wind (Fat Wreck Chords) they brilliant-
ly rework classics—Beach Boys, Dylan,
Dusty Springfield and the Beatles—in
the style of the Sex Pistols, the Ramones
and Green Day. The power chords and
slamming beats enhance rather than ob-
scure the songs’ melodies. NOFX bassist
Fat Mike says, “The Sixties should be re-
membered for great songs, not stinkin’
hippies!” — VIC GARBARINI

One singer who wrestles with the lega-
cy of soul is Craig David, a Brit whose
Born to Do И (Atlantic) was a huge hit. The

singer now brings his light, melodic
R&B to its spiritual home. I'm
not sure that he can com-
pete with the chops of clas-
sic soul singers, but he'sa
fine writer and many of
the best songs (Walk-
ing Away, Once ina
Lifetime) have a pop
sensibility most nuevo
soul men lack. —^.с.

It figures that the
electronic jazz invent-
ed by Miles would
find its imitators. It
strains credulity that
= the best imitators
~ Hassell and Tim

Hagans, would

^ be trumpeters. And
that the best one would be
Norwegian. Yet that's how the
score stands with Nils Petter

Molvaer's second CD, Solid Ether
(ECM). I guys named Rune Arne-
sen and Audun Erlien can get this funky,
we are citizens of one world.

— ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Nic Harcourt's LA-based KCRW
radio showcase for live music, Morn-
ing Becomes Eclectic, is now syndicat-
ed nationally as Sounds Eclectic and
has just released its first compilation
CD under the new name. An album
that features both Yo-Yo Ma's perfor-
mance of Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 and
ex-Crowded House member Neil
Finn's unplugged version of Throw
Your Arms Around Me, Sounds Eclectic
(Palm), hooked me. The CD also has
a dozen other superb performa
by such di ists as Patti Sj
Bebel

For 10 years, keyboardist Larry Gold-
ings has led one of jazz’ most progres-
sive organ trios. Drummer Bill Stewart's
cool, uncluttered swing mixes with Peter
Bernstein's burnished guitar solos and
Goldings’ brainy
harmonies on As
One (Palmetto).

For a fast 180,
turn to the soul
groove of Sou-
live. On its de- |
but release, Doin”
Something (Blue
Note), the trio
(led by brothers
Alan Evans on
drums and Neal Evans on organ)
starts with Jimmy Smith but spreads
net to include hip-hop and dub. This is
dean new funk with plenty of attitude.

Reedman Karl Denson and his jugger-
паш jam band, Tiny Universe, routinely
play three-hour shows. On Dance Lesson
#2 (Blue Note), О] Logic's scratch beats
and Melvin Sparks’ metal-melting guitar
rhythms wake the dead. Denson’s trippy
solos on tenor and flute remind you why
it’s called acid jazz. — NEIL TESSER

Folk music divides nicely into two pe-
riods—before and after Dylan. So a trib-
ute album to Bob makes sense. A Nod to
Bob: An Artists’ Tribute to Bob Dylan on His
60th Birthday (Red House) is a brilliant re-
minder of how often America
songwriter is interpreted. Eliza Gilkyson,
Spider John Koerner and Dave Ray,
Greg Brown and Ramblin Jack Elliot
are the standouts, but there's nary a dud
among 13 cuts. —cx

Even though the group was briefly
slotted as alt-country, Dallas’ Old 97's is
really a pop band—smart, youthful, en-
ergetic and winsome. There's no guar-
antee that any of the cuts from the
band's new CD, Satellite Rides (Flektra)—
the surging King of All the World, the
gently salacious Buick City Complex or
the never-say-never Designs on You—will
come to a top 20 station near you, You'll

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WE СЕТ PAST OUR

6TH DOORMAN OF THE EVENING.

«9

9 SEE WHERE IT TAKES Y

remember to drink responsibly.

2001, Ste. Pierro Smimelf FLS. Stamford, CT, Sm

WE'RE LOUD AND WE'RE PROUD DEPART-
MENT: When Monkee Mickey Dolenz
led 2001 drummers from around the
world in a drum roll, everyone had to
wear ear protectors. The drummers,
at the Hard Rock Hotel Universal Stu-
n Orlando, were trying to set а
Guinness World Record for the lon-
gest and largest drum roll in history.

REELING AND ROCKING: When we told
you that Method Man and Redman were
making a movie, How High, we
failed to mention
it’s being direct-
ed by Jesse Dylan,
son of you know
who. Lady Mar-
malade, Labelle's big
hit, has been rere-
corded by chri:
Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya
and Pink for the mov-
ie soundtrack of Mou-
lin Rouge. . . . Cuba
Gooding, the father of
Junior (and the singer
in the Main Ingredient), is filming Ros-
coe's Chicken and Waffles. . . . Mary J.
Blige will do her own singing when she
plays Billie Holiday in the film bio about
the jazz singer and her musical part-
пет, Lester Young. Busta Rhymes stars
with Ray Liotta in Narc. . . . Jennifer
Lopez is playing a waitress married toa
wealthy contractor in Enough.

NEWSEREAKS: |. Lo is also going into
the fashion biz with Tommy Hilfiger’s
brother Andy. . . . If you're making
your own kind of music, you'll need
The Gigging Musician: How to Get, Play
and Keep the Gig by Billy Mitchell from
Backbeat Books. . D'Angelo, Macy
Gray, the Roots and Common are among
the artists who will appear on this
year's Red Hot and Riot CD, dedicated
to Fela Кон. The disc is part of the 10th
anniversary of the Red Hot campaign,
- Roxy Music may

which fights AIDS.

make a CD in September, after their
tour is over. . . . Ike Turner has released
his first new music in 20 years and will
tour this summer. . . . If you missed
the first Madonna convention in LA, you
missed the lip-synching contest
Pulfy's contemporary gospel CD has
Brandy, Faith Evans, Carl Thomas, Joe and
Brian McKnight, among others, joining
the Pufister and Hezekiah Walker on
Thank You. . . . And you thought Steve
Earle could only tell song stories. He
does more than that in Doghouse
Roses, a short-story collection from
Houghton in. He'll even do
an author's tour. It seems that
dying is a good career move if
you're a musician. Forbes maga-
zine's list of the deceased who
earned the most money last year
included six musicians in the
top 10. Elvis is in first place with
$35 million. Other top money-
makers include John Lennon, Ji-
mi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Frank Sinatra
and Jerry Garcia. . . . The genie is out
of the bottle: Elton John and Eminem's
duet on Stan at the Grammys may
never be commercially released. The
Recording Academy sued Napster for
making Sian, Beautiful Day and Music
immediately ble on the site оп.
ly hours alter the telecast. Michael
Greene, president of the Academy,
said, “We were in the studio remix-
ing all this stuff with the intention
of putting it out only to find out that
the audio was already up on Napster,
and there had been millions of down-
loads." . . . Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger,
the man who is responsible for Cath
olic doctrine, doesn't have much use
for rock and roll. We don’t know if he
checked with the Pope (a Bob Dylan fan)
before he was quoted, but the cardinal
complained that rock is “an exp!
." We certainly
—BARBARA NELLIS

Christgau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young
7 9 10 9 9
Jimmy LaF
ERA дай 6 8 7 8
Me First
Blow in те Wind 3 8 7 5 8
Old 97's
Satellite Rides 9 7 6 7 7
Rammstein
Mutter 7) 7 5 5 7

have to buy the album, learn the words
and shout along at a gig with all of the
other Old 97's fans, a fast-growing sub-
culture that knows a good tune when it
hears one. —RC

Thirty years after the fact, listeners
have finally caught up with the music of
composer Terry Riley. In 1967 he plun-
dered an R&B song and mixed it with
Moog synthesizer and tape manipula
tion to create a work that prefigured
sampling and musical deconstruction
The Cortical Foundation, as part of its
Terry Riley Archive Series, has released
You're No Good, which sounds right up to
date. There are plenty of noises in our
everyday lives, but most of us don't listen
to them. On 90 Percent Post Consumer Sound
(XI Records), Ellen Band augments re-
cordings of radiators, swings and тат
crossings to create remarkable music.
Fifty years from now people will listen
to the sort of music on Clicks and Cuts 2
(Mille Plateaux), a triple-CD compilation
of electronic music freed from conven-
tion. Mechanical and noisy, the clicks
and pops make for beguiling music.
Two artists on Clicks, Vladislav Delay and
Andreas Tilliander, have impressive
new releases. Tilliander's tjud (Mille Pla-
teaux) is driven by its dublike rhythm.
Delay's Anima (Mille Platcaux) is a night
marish tone poem. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH

Country Music Hall of Fame songwrit-
er Harlan Howard once said that a great
song makes you want to stop, turn up
the radio and maybe pick up the phone
to repair a broken heart. Jim Lauder-
dale's The Other Sessions (Dualtone) is
filled with such songs. He has a doz-
en twangy, pedal steel tunes, including
Youll Know When It's Right, co-wriuen
with Howard. Sessions has a Sixties song-
writer sensibility born at Tootsie's Or-
chid Lounge in Nashville. Lauderdale
recruited trucker legend Del Reeves and
alt-country’s Jeremy Tepper to lay down
the shuffle behind Diesel, Diesel, Diesel.
The Other Sessions is a must tor hard-core
counuy fans. — DAVE HOEKSTRA

MADE TO ODOR

Don't be surprised if you smell burn-
ing rubber the next time you're play-
ing a PC racing game. Or if a restau-
rant's website offers “free smells" to help
you decide what to have delivered. The
concept is called scent enabling and it
should start turning up in video games,
DVD movies, websites, e-mail, music and
television later this year. Users purchase
a peripheral that connects to your com-
puter through a USB port. When posi-
tioned on your desk, the apparatus will

serve as a scent synthesizer capable of
emitting a broad range of odors concoct-
ed from oils stored inside a replaceable
container similar to a printer cartridge.
The device is triggered by the click of a
mouse on a web page, or from a time-re-
lease track embedded in a DVD movie or
computer game CD-ROM that tells it to
release a fragrance at a given moment
Don't worry about the device's stinking
up your entire house. The peripheral
emits only in the area directly surround-
ing it. And if you have an aversion or al-
lergic reaction to certain scents, the in
cluded software can be programmed to
block them. Perfume companies have al-
ready invested heavily in this technol-
ogy, hoping the application will boost
online sales. Eidos, creator of the Tomb
Raider video game series, has hinted at
plans to include the smell of dusty caves
and dungeons in future installments
Expect the PC version of the scent-en-
abling peripherals to hit retailers by fall,
priced about $200. A TV version will de-
but in 2002 —MARC SALTZMAN

TECH TRICK: TIVO UPGRADE

Inspired TV junkies short on cash are
cracking open their TiVos in search of
more memory. Rather than paying $700
for Philips top-of-the-line HDR612 (with
60 hours of storage), people have de-
vised a way to more than double the stor-

age capacity of cheaper, entry-level ma-

chines. On the surface, it sounds like a [5 AP
simple computer upgrade: Take a $300 - А K E

unit thatsiores 20 Вонга oh programe Sa [gm
ТЕЕ O NEE MORT
add a 40-gigabyte, off-the-shelf hard 9
drive (for about $170). The resulting s Just because с hit song has yet
tem now holds at least 60 hours of tele- to be written on a PlayStation 2
vision and saves you more than $200. doesn't mean you can't try. With

But the process can be tricky—even dan- | the MTV Mu-

gerous. First, TiVo is based on Linux, sic Genera- -

an open-source operating system that's | 1002 Бу Соде- СУС
widely available but not so familiar to | Masters you

average Computer users as are Win- can build a

dows and Mac systems. According to | fUne from | «M
а source who has performed the up- | thousands of MEL.
grade on many a TiVo, you have to be vocal, drum Щ musicceneraTOR2

comfortable issuing Linux commands and instru-
(which can be accessed, along with a ment samples.
detailed FAQ, at Ti Vofaq.com/hack/). You can also

use the Riff
Editor to write
а melody note
by note and
add effects
such as echo
and flange. If
you would rather remix, Music

Because opening your TiVo voids the
warranty, a wrong move will leave you
with a worthless piece of metal. Even
more risky, a slipup could get you elec-
trocuted, as the TiVo unit has an un-
shielded power supply. (Even when
turned off, the machine can give you a
shock.) However, our source tells us

that if you're PC adept and careful and Generator can record somples
have about three and a half hours | from your CDs and poste them in-
to spare (the time it takes to back up | 19 new songs. So you don't have
TiVo's A drive into your computer | 15 play solo, the game includes

Music Jam, a mode that lets as
many as four players (or up to
eight with Sony's optional multi-
tap peripheral) jam simultaneous-
ly. Start there and do your solo
record loter. © —JASON BUHRMESTER

and perform the upgrade), upgrading
your TiVo could prove to be an excellent
adventure and a way to save some cash.
And don't worry. Currently, the folks а!
TiVo don't mind people “upgrading
their units, so long as their subscription
fees continue to roll in. —BETH TOMKIW

We've caught so mony subwoy riders playing solitoire on their Palm Pilots that we're
beginning to wonder why they don't just carry Nintendo’s new Game Boy Advonce
(about $100). The system's 32-bit processor ond color LCD screen are powerful
enough to reproduce certain PlayStation graphics. Nintendo hes promised 60 games
($30-$40) before year’s end,
and the system is com-
patible with Game
Boy and Game
Boy Color titles.
Future plans for №
Game Boy Ad- {Ё
vance: an option-
al cable that will
allow as many as
four players to
compete, using
a single game
cartridge and
interaction with
the compony's
Соте Cube vid-
ео game canscle,
which is due some-
time next year.
—SCOTT STEINBERG

WHERE AND HDW TD BUY ON PAGE 181

By LEONARD MALTIN

те you ADMIRE John Turturro, Cate Blan-
chett and Johnny Depp, it's worth watch-
ing The Man Who Cried (Universal Focus),
though the film is a disappointment.
Director Sally Potter (Orlando) sets out
to tell a saga about a Russian Jewish girl
(Christina Ricci) whose loving father
leaves her behind to build a new life in
America in 1927. His plan to send for his
daughter goes awry when her village is
attacked and the little girl is sent off on
her own. She is raised by foster parents
in England, but never seems to fit in and
has only a crumbling photo of her father
to remind her of her roots. Her singing
talent earns her a job in a Paris night-
club, where she meets a flamboyantly
sexy Russian dancer (an almost unrecog-
ble Blanchett) who tries to educate
icci about the ways of the world. Depp
effortlessly embodies the part of a gypsy
attracted to Ricci, while Blanchett takes
up with egotistical Italian tenor Turtur-
ro, as the specter of war grows around
them. Potter’s ambitious script tells us
nothing we don’t already know about
the period, and her central character is
ill-served by Ricci, whose endless close-
ups reveal nothing; she is acted off the
screen by her co-stars. The word that
best describes this film is misfire. ¥¥

Knowing that The Anniversary Party
(Fine Line) was conceived, written and
directed by its gifted stars, Jennifer Ja-
son Leigh and Alan Cumming, with all
of its characters written for actor friends

With Moulin Rouge on theater screens
everywhere, the question arises as to
the future of the movie musical. Baz
Luhrmann, the high-profile director
of Romeo and Juliet, coupled with Ni-
cole Kidman, created a monster that

NOTES ON MUSICALS

could persuade a Hollywood studio to
revive any genre, even break-dancing
movies.

But томе fans who cherish the glo-
ries of Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers,
Gene Kelly and other musical icons still

wonder why musicals have worn out
their welcome with young audiences.
No one has done the genre any fa-
vors in recent years. Evita proved to be
a pallid showcase for the lip-synching
talents of Madonna (with honors going
instead to an unexpectedly forceful
Antonio Banderas). Kenneth Branagh
chose to make Loves Labor's Lost with a

of theirs, I was dreading a glorified
home movie. I'm happy to report that
my fears were unrealized. The film has
the relaxed feel of an extended-family
gathering, and it limits its parameters to
24 hours in the lives of its characters,

who come together at a stylish Richard
Neutra-designed house. The result is a
dynamic exploration of relationships—
including friends, couples, neighbors,
even business associates—played out
against the backdrop of a party. Natural-
ly, Leigh and Cumming have given them-

cast of attractive actors who couldn't
sing or dance. Lars von Trier guided
pop star Bjórk through Dancer in the
Dark, a quasi-musical with a relentless-
ly depressing story. Give us a break!
The best musical moment of the cur-
rent year is the title sequence of the
otherwise iffy teen comedy Get Over It,
2 funny vignette that is set to the Cap-
tain and Tennille's Love Will Keep Us
"Together.

One would think that the popularity
of music videos would spark the cre-
ation of full-length movies that draw
on the same appeal. The problem is
that many music video directors have
been weaned on the shorthand com-
munication of their medium and—as
we've seen in far too many films
don't know how to handle the de-
mands of a 100-minute film.

But there is a subtler problem facing
both the directors and stars of videos
who aspire to work in features. Most

selves juicy roles, as a couple from Los
Angeles (she's an actress, he's a Bri
novelist on the verge of directing his first
movie), but they haven't stinted their
friends, including Kevin Kline and his
real-life wife, Phoebe Cates (not to men-

tion their two adorable children), Jane
Adams, Jennifer Beals, John C. Reilly
and Gwyneth Paltrow. The picture was
made on digital video, but the directors
were smart enough to hire master cine-
matographer John Bailey (Mishima, As
Good as It Gets, Nobody's Fool), who has lit

music videos rely on flashy editing;
few have the confidence, or audaci:
to simply let their stars perform songs
without a lot of visual gimmickry.

When Fred Astaire came to Holly-
wood from Broadway, he demanded
that directors show his full figure,
head to toe, in every shot of his dance
numbers. When Vincente Minnelli
filmed his wife, Judy Garland, singing
The Boy Next Door in Meet Me in St.
Louis, he let her luminous performance
unfold in one single take—broken on-
ly by a cutaway during an orchestral
reprise, as she dances by herself.

Are there performers today magnet-
ic enough to command our attention
that way? Can directors and choreog-
raphers learn to make their moves
within the film frame instead of rely-
ing on external effects?

The answer, of course, is yes. There's
no shortage of talent. Someone just
has to have the gutstodoit, —LM

Music'Movies'Gas

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease,
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

the film so beautifully that it’s virtually
impossible to tell it wasn't photographed
on 35mm film. ¥¥¥

Maggie Greenwald's Songcatcher (Li-
ons Gate) was originally scheduled for a
December release. Now that it's finally
coming to theaters, 1 am impelled to re-
state my enthusiasm for this great Amer-
ican film about a musicologist (Janet Mc-
Тест) who ventures into the backwoods
of Appalachia to collect folk songs in the
early 20th century, Pat Carroll, Aidan
Quinn and Jane Adams co-star in this
lovingly rendered story. Consider it a
must-see. УУУУ

Lokeboot (Lakeboat Productions), adapt-
ed by David Mamet from his play of the
same name, marks the directorial de-
but of Joe Mantegna, who knows Mam-
et's work as well as anyone. The cast in-
cludes such peerless pros as Peter Falk,
Charles Durning, Denis Leary, J.J. John-
ston, George Wendt and Robert For-
ster. These actors were born to deliver
Mametspeak—and Forster (who's never
performed Mamet before) is incr
The material—a series of vignettes in-
volving the crew of a cargo freighter—
пеусг quite gels into a movie, but the

dialogue is so strong, the moment so аг-
resting and the performances so fine-
ly tuned that anyone who admires the
work of this great American playwright
will be amply rewarded. ¥¥/2

Startup.com (Artisan) is a fascinating
documentary about a pair of boyhood
friends who launch an Internet compa-
ny. One is a gentle soul who is devoted to
his young daughter from a failed mar-
riage, the other an ambitious business
school graduate determined to succeed.
Directors Chris Hegedus and Jehane
Noujaim (in collaboration with pioneer-
ing reality filmmaker D.A. Pennebaker,
who served as co-producer) train cam-
eras on their subjects and let them go.
‘The results are simply terrific and point-
edly relevant to contemporary society.
Startup.com allows each viewer to ques-
tion his own personal goals, ethics and
morals. What's more important, loyalty
or success? If you had to choose between
losing a friend and losing a strategic
business alliance, what would you do?
Because cach person will answer these
questions differently, each one will take
something different away from the ex-
perience of watching this movie. 1 defy
anyone to find a fictional film as com-
pelling as this. УУУУ;

SCENE STEALER

JESSICA CAUFFIEL. First NOTICED: As

Goldie Hawn and Steve Martin's daugh-
ter in The Out-of-Towners. Later won
co-starring parts in Road Trip and
Valentine. NEXT UP: Legally Blonde,
in which she and Alanna Ubach
play sorority queen Reese Wither-
spoon's best friends. “We repre-
sent the superficial materialistic
stereotype. My character has tum-
bleweeds running through her
mind, but she has the classic heart
of gold.” WHAT HER HOLLYWOOD
FRIENDS DON'T KNOW: She's ап ac-
complished jazz singer with train-
ing in musical theater. THE BEST AD-
VICE SHE'S RECEIVED ABOUT PLAYING
COMEDY: From Out-of-Towners’ co-
star John Cleese, “Never be con-
scious of yourself being funny.

SHE’S MOST RECOGNIZED FOR: “Road Trip,

ven though my screen time was only four
minutes after it was pared down. If I wear my

hair curly, women in elevators say, ‘You're the

girl with the baseball bat!" HER ADVICE FOR
PERFORMERS JUST STARTING OUT: “Find that thing
you're good at, the thing that makes you unique,

and stay there. That’s what will make

There's nothing more satisfying.

you succeed.” HOW SHE SEES HERSELF:
"I'm a comedienne; 1 feel it's what
I'm best at. I exited the womb with

a top hat and cane. Laughter
a momentary escape from reality.

MOVIE SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by leonard maltin

The Anniversary Party (See review) Jen-
nifer Jason Leigh and Alan Cum-
ming host a memorable party full of
drama, color, humor and dynamic
performances by friends Kevin Kline,
Phoebe Cates, Gwyneth Paltrow, Par-
ker Posey and John C. Кей, ¥¥¥
Bridget Jones's Diory (Listed only) Re-
née Zellweger has star quality to burn
(with a perfect Brit accent and 40 ex-
tra pounds) in this entertaining com-
edy about a 32-year-old single wom-
an's misadventures. Wy
Kingdom Come (Listed only) LL Cool J
gives an impressive performance in
this warmhearted comedy about a
raucous family that gathers for a fu-
neral. Whoopi Goldberg, Vivica А.
Fox, Jada Pinkett, Cedric the Enter-
tainer, Loretta Devine and ‘Toni Brax-
ton also star. wu
Lakeboat (Sce review) Fans of David
Mamet's plays will enjoy watching Pe-
ter Falk, Charles Durning, Robert
Forster and company speaking his di-
alogue, even though the series of vi-
gnettes about the crew of a freighter
never quite becomes a томе. Wa
The Man Who Cried (See review) Chris-
tina Ricci brings a blank stare to her
role as a girl with a hidden past who
comes of age in Paris on the eve of
World War I1. yy
Songcatcher (See review) Janet McTeer
stars in this brilliant drama about
a fiercely independent woman who
ventures into Appalachia to collect
authentic folk songs—and learns a
fair amount about life itself. Maggie
Greenwald's original screenplay and
direction make this a gem. уху
Spy Kids (Listed only) Director Robert
Rodriguez has produced that amaz-
ing rarity—a family film that adults
can enjoy as much as children. Anto-
nio Banderas and Carla Gugino star
in this imaginative adventure that
proves a movie aimed at kids can be
cool without being crude. wy
Stortup.com (See review) This ter
documentary is a must-see—a com-
pelling portrait of how friendship is
devoured in an effort to storm the
e-business world. PEA
The Tailor of Panama (Listed only)
Pierce Brosnan, Geoffrey Rush and
Jamie Lee Curtis star in John Boor-
man's film from a John LeCarré nov-
el about a rouer from the Bri
cret service who stirs things u
Panama City. The film delights in its
own nastiness, but that wears thin af-
ter a while. уу

¥¥¥¥ Don't mi:
¥¥¥ Good show

¥ Worth a look
¥ Forget it

America’s

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Manhattan, Taxi Driver, Casino—which |
ps. is a pem Monty Py-

country house, so m ust sit down for |
marathon viewings.” -SUSAN KARUN |

BULLY, BULLY

Clark's Bully, in theaters
this month, is based on the Florida case
of a teen bully lured to his death by his
fed-up high school victims. When it
comes to alpha males, revenge isn't often
right, but it's always sweet.

My Bodyguard (1980): Brutish Matt Dil-
lon, in his second film, extorts lunch
money from undersized Chris Make-
peace, who befriends loner Adam Bald-
win. But Baldwin is reluctant to protect
his pal, for mysterious reasons. Look for
young Jennifer Beals as а classmate.
Stand by Ме (1986): Nowadays Kiefer
Sutherland’s teen tough guy Ace Merrill
would be diagnosed as desensitized, but

simpleminded students to attack the new
kid in town (Ralph Macchio), until Jap-
anese handyman Pat Morita teaches him
how to “wax off” like a champ.

Bullies (1986): That nasty Cullen clan
thinks they own the mountain, and uses
deadly force to intimidate the townsfolk.
But they weren't counting on the new
city slicker (Jonathan Crombie) to stand.
up to them. An unheralded pleasure.
Plunkett and Macleane (1999): Кеп Stott is
the archetypal cunning sheriff, named
Chance, on the trail of gentlemen ban-
dits Jonny Lee Miller and Robert Car-
lyle through 18th century London. Does
Chance get his? Oh my, yes. Underrated
and unappreciated, despite Liv Tyler.

I Spit on Your Grave (1978): A no-budget
exploitation shocker: Camille Keaton is
brutalized and left for dead in the woods
by four rednecks. Dead? Not quite, but
they soon will be. Castration, hanging,
ax murder and death by outboard motor.
This one has it all. — BUZZ MCCLAIN

DISC ALERT

You don't need to be a fan of the Sci Fi
Channel to appreciate Nova Scotia's
Lexx, a space adventure produced in Hal
ifax with less self-importance than is
typical for the form. In fact, now that
the first eight episodes of the show's sec
ond season have been collected on a р
of DVDs (Acorn Media, $30 each), you
don't need cable. A black comedy more
akin to the ВВС Red Dwarf than Star
Trek, Lexx features sizzling German-born
beauty Xenia Seeberg as Xev, strange

NOW SHOWING

Steven Spielberg's Al: Artificial Intelli-
gence was a project that Stanley Kubrick
worked on but decided he couldn't com:
plete. It's time to savor those astonishing
films he did finish. Criterion Collection is
out with a two-disc Spartacus ($50) with
multiple commentaries—including black-
listed screenwriter Dalton Trumbo's. The
Stanley Kubrick Collection

from Warner
Bros. ($200)
includes The
Shining, Barry
Lyndon, Full
Meral Jacket,
2001, Eyes
Wide Shut, Lo-
lita, Clockwork
Drange and an
excellent full-
length documen-
tary from Kubrick
collaborator Jan
Harlan.—JoHN REZEK

visitor from another planet, with sexu-
al urges far beyond those of mortal
women. Alas, because all of her fellow
crew members are sexually unavailable
lor one reason or another, they basical-
ly cruise the galaxy, blowing up planets
(successfully) and looking to get laid (un-
successfully). Although the DVDs do in-
clude a few extra scencs that didn't air
on Sci Fi, poor Xev's drive remains in
PARK at disc's end —ERECORY P FAGAN

Traffic (Oscar winner Steven Soderbergh's searing ensemble
drama indicts drug-war futility from every angle), Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon (kung-fu warriors brood, battle, fly and
make Western viewers weep in 2000's Best Foreign Film).

as this is set in the Fifties, he's just an ass-
hole. Sutherland steals his scenes in this
coming-of-age classic.
Straw Dogs (1971): Sam Peckinpah's bru-
tal fantasy about Milquetoast Dustin
Hoffman defending his rural home, un-
der siege by the gaggle of Brit hillbil-
lies who raped his wife (Susan George).
The Waterboy (1998): Football coach Jerry
Reed and his redneck college charges
lentlessly ridicule the seemingly bra
damaged water boy (Adam Sandler),
driving him to a gentler school where
coach Henry Winkler discovers his tal-
ent for tackling.
Boys Don't Cry (1999): The nation's lin-
gering —and often violent—antigay cul
ture is the bully in this true story. A dis-
guised Teena Brandon (Oscar-winning
Hilary Swank) lives as a man, with dead-
ly consequences.
The Karate Kid (1984): Sadistic majordo-
44 mo at the dojo Martin Kove instructs his

OSCAR WINNER

Cast Away (efficiency nul Hanks gets те galore on a desert
isle: absorbing И light Robinson Crusoe tale), The House of
Mirth (Gillian Anderson surprises as Edith Wharton's comely,
complex, spinsterish heroine: an opulent sleeper).

You Con Count on Me (two adult siblings, orphaned as kids,
butt heads gently in Kenneth Lonergar's intimate drama),
The Family Man (urban stud Cage gets lost on the suburban
tire-salesman road not taken; not Capra, but not bad).

AntiTrust (software whiz crashes evil plot by Tim Robbins—not
playing Bill Gates; cheesy fun at по!-Мсговойз expense),
Vertical Limit (Chris O'Donnell leads a K2 rescue team
through countless perils; Cliffhonger cool, but rocky).

Yi Yi (familiar troubles befuddle а middle-class Taipei family:
uniquely refreshing work by Taiwan's Edward Yang), Malena
(Giuseppe Tornatore's fable of WWII Sicily costs luscious Mon-
ica Bellucci as local object of worship; a good idea).

By MARK FRAUENFELDER

LATE FEES ARE SO NINETIES
1 wasn't planning to buy a DVD player. 1 was happy with my
VCR, cven though late fees were killing me. Then 1 found
Netflix.com, an online DVD subscription service that doesn't
charge late fees. Netflix has more to offer than unlimited
rental time. For $20 a month, you can rent as many DVDs as
you want. They send you up to three at a time, and when
you're ready to return the DVDs, just mail them back in the
envelope they were sent in. Netflix pays shipping both ways.
When Netflix gets them back from you, they send the other
DVDs in your rental queue. My favorite feature is the recom-
mendation service. After you rate several то Netflix will
show you a list of movies they think you'll enjoy. This works

METALIN

мата
Returning ната

Keep cach movie as long as you want
Flat monthly fee of $19.95.

Hot New Movies Must-See DVDs

surprisingly well. For $40
a month Netflix offers a
premium program that al-
lows you up to cight DVDs
ata time.

ALL ART GUIDE

The Internet Movie Data-
base (imdb.com)
and the All Music
Guide (allmusic.
com) are the best
resources for find-
ing out about film
stuff and music.
Their users provide
much of the con-
tent. The more people use the sites, the bigger their databas-
es become. There's a similar site for art, artloop.com. When 1
checked the preview site for Artloop, it offered information on
8000 artists (it promises 50,000 by summer). It's easy to spend
an hour reading about artists from different periods, move-
ments and genres. My only complaint is that Artloop doesn't
feature enough sample paintings. In fact, that’s the same
problem 1 have with imdb.com and allmusic.com. They'd be
better with video and audio clips that you could access from
the sites. The creators of Ardoop promise to offer more i
ages in the database after they deal with copyright issues. For
now, you can use Artloop to read about an artist, then go to
google.com to find photographs of his or her wor

LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE'S JUNK
Every once in a while you'll come ас

s something on eBay—

46 a bent paper clip, a stuffed antelope-butt trophy—that makes

Rent all the DVD movies you want

No late charges

you wonder about the seller's sanity. Weirder yet are the peo-
ple crazy enough to bid on the junk. The idea behind Who
WouldBuyThat.com is to showcase the strangest auctions on
the web. Last time I checked it out, the site had links
tions for an audio recording of a 1972 funeral service, а hu-
man fetus pendant and a filthy life-size clown doll with a lewd
expression on its face. I can't wait to go back for more.

SCAMBUSTERS

The web is a petri dish for
scams because it's easy for
rip-offartists to set up a false
front and then disappear in
a blink after fleecing their
marks. On Quatloos.com,
you can read about doz-
ens of web-based financial
frauds, ranging from the
Nigerian scam letter (which
invites you to share in mil-
lions of illegally acquired dollars if you wire the
sender $100,000 to set up a bank account in Nige-
ria) to the lat rtual stock exchange" shenani-
n which shares of nonexistent companies

a “cybermuseum of scams and frauds” with actual
court cases. Besides being fun
to read, these stories of pecu-
niary high jinks will fine-tune
your bullshit detector. The
next time you get e-mailed an
offer that sounds too good to
be true, you'll drag it to the
recycling bin.

home : office : Microsoft Entourage 2001 for rras

Entourage: mac

E-MAIL PLUS

My new favorite e-mail pro-
gram is Microsoft Entourage,
which comes as part of Office
2001 for Macintosh. A souped-
up version of the wonderful—and free—Outlook Express
(which you can download at mactopia.com), Entourage hı

an appointment manager, to-do list, address book and note-
pad that synchronize with my Palm (better than the weak
Palm Desktop program). My two favorite things about En-
tourage are flags, which let you attach a reminder to deal with
a message later, and Address AutoComplete, which stores 150
e-mail addresses for easy recall. The drawback is that il you
want Entourage, you have to buy the О!
includes Wor i et
you are upgrading from an earlier Office version, $

QUICK HITS

re of the Day site: antwrp.gsfc.nasa.
gov/apod/archivepix.html. . . . Build your own multitool at
www.gerberblades.com. . . . Find out how much your neigh-
bors paid for their houses at domania.com.

NASA's incredible Pic

CALIFORNIA SCHEMING

Walter Mosley and Sue Grafton love to mix mystery and Cali-
fornia history. In Mosley's new Fearless Jones (Little, Brown),
seq set in 1954 Los Angeles, |
back narrator Paris Minton i
seduced, slugged and shot at
When his beloved Watts book-
store is torched, he turns to
his best pal, World War И he-
ro Fearless Jones—an unstop-
pable force as honorable as
he is trouble prone. Minton
and Jones stumble through
a fast, funny, twisted tale in-
volving racist cops, original
gangstas, Nazis and а treach-
erous beauty, all seeking a
fabulous fortune. It's The
Maltese Falcon as filmed by
Spike Lee. Grafton's P Is for
Peril (Putnam), like all of sleuth Kin-
sey Millhone’s cases, takes place in
the Fighties. This time, she's on the
trail of a missing millionaire, but
the peril stems from her rental of
office space from two homicid-
al brothers, who eventually turn
on her. A shrewd Californian like
Kinsey should have known
on the West Coast somebody is
always trying to make a killing
in real estate. — DICK LOCHTE

OBSESSIONS

Americo had a strange effect on Istvan Banyai when he
moved here from Hungary. He did the sensible thing and
became an artist. You see his illustrations accompanying
The Playboy Advisor. Banyai's art has been compiled in
Minus Equals Plus (Abrams). In his postapocalyptic world,
heroin chic is the norm. In one painting, а boy pla
bathtub; in the next panel, the boy is octually o toy inside а
dollhouse. In subsequent panels, Bonyoi reveals thot the
dollhouse is an illustration in a comic book, read by ап
aborigine, who is а speck of color on on Australian stamp.
Pulling the perspective farther away in each pan-
el increases the cool, trippy effect.— PATTY LAMBERTI

WHEN JOHNNY CAME MARCHING HOME

Gail Buckley's American Patriots: The Story of Blacks in the Military
From the Revolution to Desert Storm (Random House) thoroughly
details the struggle of black Americans for acceptance in their
country's armed conflicts. It also presents the fierce opposi-
tion of some to the idea of blacks’ carrying arms under any
circumstances. After World War I, 78 blacks were lynched, 10
of them ex-soldiers. Although black soldiers died in every war
fought by Americans, it wasn't until 1948 that they officially
integrated the armed forces. The greatest appeal of this book
lies in its individual
stories. Robert Smalls,
the slave pilot of the
armed Confederate
dispatch boat Planter,
sailed out of Charles-
ton Harbor and sur-
rendered the vessel to
Union blockade ships
while the white cap-
tain and crew were
ashore. He was re-
warded by Congress
and made captain of
the Planter after it was
refitted as a gunboat. Patriots offers an inspiring account of
African American heroism from the first days of the Revo-
lution to the present. It is also an indictment of calculat-
ed racism. Despite its litany of injustices, Patriots is a work of
remarkable scholarship and heart. STANLEY BOOTH

ALL CHOKED UP

Choke

iniuk's latest novel,
laday). He lives by
затеБоду saves
Will love yau for-

Chuck | ls
Palahniuk

fokes choking in restaura
Palahniuk—who sco
tar humor. Mancini is
Heimlich any day.

id by fellow diners.
lub—excels at black-

PISS AND VINEGAR
Joe Queenon is America’s preeminent wisen-
heimer. In Balsamic Dreams: A Short but $еН-1т-

portant History of the Baby Boomer Generation
(Holt), he osks how the children of the altruis-
tic Sixties became the self-absorbed, whiny
greedmongers of todoy. Queenan tokes no
prisoners. Why do we immortolize once-in-o-
lifetime events on T-shirts? Why is our sor-
casm prefob? Why do we wollow in displays
of multicultural sensitivity? He isn'! having
any of it. Queenan endures boomers as
he would itchy underponts; his readers
have the luxury of shoring his crabbiness
without feeling his pain. —JOHN REZEK

| ryone understands it. >

Now go deep, deep into the forest and find yourself. `

Look to the trees for guidance: The
side with fewer branches is facing

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Go west, young man. Actually, yo in any direction you like.
But take a map, and a compass. If you don't have one,

all is not lost.

Introducing Sequoia.
Twist-off lid. Air lock can.
Two unique flavors.

Sequoia

Stand Tall

By ASA BABER

THE QUOTES that follow are from a web
page for the University of Michigan's
Programs in Women's and Gender Stud-
(flint. umich.edu/departments/catalog/
cas/wgs. html). This particular progr
was chosen at random, but be advised
that there are hundreds of well-funded
gender studies programs in colleges and
universities across the U.S.

The gender studies program at the
University of Michigan has a faculty of
some 29 professors (about 80 percent of
them female) and can be taken as an un-
dergraduate minor. As the website says:
“The Women's and Gender Studies mi-
nor is interdisciplinary. It draws on re-
cent scholarship in many fields. This
work demonstrates that traditional schol-
arship has neglected both the study of
women's agency and creativity and the
analysis of women's oppression."

‘Twenty-one credits are required to
earn a minor degree. Including the two
English courses that “may be taken as
electives when offered on themes of
women's writing,” there are approx
mately 20 courses from different depart-
ments in the program.

One of the most important courses of-
fered is Introduction to Women's Stud-
ies, which includes "examination of the
feminist reconstruction of knowledge;
differences among women based upon
race/ethnicity, class, sexual orientation;
cultural representation of women; di-
visions of labor based on gender and
race; politics of women's personal lives;
women's activism. Focus on women in
the U.S."

This course is followed by Introduc-
tion to Feminist Theory, which studies
"some of the main perspectives in femi-
nist thought, including liberal feminism,
Marxist feminism, radical feminism, so-
cialist feminism. Application of these
theories to one or more social issues of
particular interest to feminists, such as
affirmative action, procreative freedom
and motherhood.” (1 looked for some
mention of conservative perspectives in
feminist thought but found none.)

Women and Work reviews “women's
paid employment and job segregation by
sex: relation of women's paid work to
women's family work, nature of women's
jobs and occupations and a variety of
state policies that influence women's em-
ployment.” It also studies the roles of
“white women and women of color in
the advanced capitalist economy of the
United States.”

The topics in a course called Women
as Artists include “the historical slighting
of women artists, feminist imagery, poli-
tics and contemporary feminist criti-

50 cism.” And in Girls, Culture and Educa-

SWEPT
AWAY

tion, students receive an “interdiscipli-
nary introduction to empirical research
and critical inquiry on the education of
girls in the U.S.," as well as a “study of
contemporary educational thought on
the gendered social and cultural context
of schooling.”

Gender and Society, an upper-level
course, looks at the “nature and causes
of sex stratification in society, Freudian
and neo-Freudian perspectives, Marxist
perspectives, structural functionalism
and radical feminism. Interpersonal and
institutional processes that operate to
keep women and men in their place in
American society. Alternatives to struc-
tured sexual inequality in societies.”

Sex, Work and International Capital
analyzes the “significance of women's la-
bor to international capital from a cross-
cultural perspective” and examines “so-
cial construction of ‘third world’ and
"development, and material conditions
of lives of women across race, class and
national boundaries." This is followed
by Sex and Gender in Cross-Cultural
Perspective, which discusses "cultural
construction of femaleness, maleness
and sexual behaviors and their relation-
ships (or lack of relationship) to gender
stereotypes."

Then there is Scripted: Sex and Gen-
der in the Theater, which studies “the
politics of representation, the theatrical
tradition of cross-dressing, performance
art and the relationship of theater art to
pornography and voyeurism,” as well as
specialized courses such as Caribbean
Women Writers, which gives students
the chance to see the “ways in which an-
ucolonial discourse, issues of exile and
sanctuary, and revisions of the literary

tradition of the Caribbean are manifest-
ed in their literature.”

Some of the other courses in the Wom-
en's and Gender Studies programs: Cloth-
ing in Western Culture, Black Women
Writers of the World, Gender and Com-
munication, Family, Sex and Marriage
in Early Modern Europe, Women in
Western Societies, History of American
Women.

As the web page says, “Courses in the
minor are concerned with the changing
nature of what society considers ‘femi-
nine’ and “masculine.'” (Again, this is the
kind of language you will find in most
American university catalogs today.)

These pages are not for regular guys,
in general, and not for the average male
student, but for the female faculty and
students who want to participate in a
gender studies program that encourages
every form of diversity but one—diversi-
ty of thought.

I happen to be in favor of gender stud-
ies programs in our colleges and univer-
sities—if they are structured justly and
properly. If they were designed to ex-
amine all questions of gender and identi
ty (not just the politically correct ones),
they could provide both men and wom-
en with a better sense of themselves,
their families and their histories. A
healthier environment could be a result
of more-balanced programs (an environ-
ment that admits that men and women
have equivalent problems in this culture
and that sexism cuts both ways).

1 hope that gender studies programs
throughout the land will become more
intellectually honest and academically
balanced. Back in October 1988 I wrote
a Men column called “The Class of
1992." In it I said: “Men's studies pro-
grams equal in rank, stature and budget
to current women’s studies programs
are nonexistent today. Why this monop-
oly of feminist thought on today's college
campuses? It's obvious—and generally
unmentioned in classrooms or in nation-
al debate. Sexism takes many forms, and
today’s academic feminism is one of the
most virulent.

“What does this have to do with you?
Everything. You are being denied an
education about yourself. Worse, you're
living in a culture that assumes you
have no problems worth exam
your assignment is to improve the im-
poverished condition of your univer:
ty's course offerings

Gentlemen (and fair-minded ladies),
check out some of the websites and ask
yourself for whom the web tolls—i.e.,
what educational and political values are
being expressed in these programs? And

then let us pray.

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Queen drove а 1968 Mustang GT fostback (pictured above left) that’s not too different from the Ford 2001 Mustong GT Bullitt coupe pic-
tured here. For about $27,500, you get o new Mustang GT Premium coupe tricked out with a special Bullitt package that includes o 275 hp
V8, five-speed gearbox, performance suspension ond such interior appointments as speciol instrumentation, a six-disc CD player and olu-
minum trim. Exterior touches include rocker moldings, side scoops and о Bullitt badge. Available in three colors: blue, block ond green
(shown). Becouse only 5000 Bullitt Mustangs will be offered for sole, the cor should become о collector's prize

The Wines
of Summer

We like light French wines
in summer, so we osked our
SIDES. М Е У friends ot Sam's Wine and
INGRED > / Spirits in Chicogo (soms

^ wine.com) to pick four
wines between $20 ond
535 а bottle that fit the seo-
son. Their choices: 0 199B
Lodoucette Pouilly-Fume,
on excellent, gunflint dry
wine from the Loire mode
from souvignon Мопс
grapes. Guigal's 1999 Con-
drieu is o floral Viognier
with on appeoling herbal
ond ocidic bolance. The
Pouilly-Fuisse 1999 from
Verget in the Macon region
is mode from chordonnoy
but is more crisp thon lush.
The Chateau de Trocy Pouil-
Iy-Fume 1998, from one of
the region's great estates, is
vibront ond fresh. Now you
ا‎ = con toos! summer.

THRUST PAN

AND FLIP’

Angler's Heaven

Mention the Catskills and that old sleepyhead Rip Van Winkle
jumps to mind. There is another Catskills world—a cluster of
streoms and rivers where anglers have fly-fished for trout for
more than о century. But casting from the shore of Esopus
Creek (obove) at Elmer's Bend is only port of the sport's plea-
sure. Privote clubs, where tall fish tales are swopped aver toll
glasses of scotch, also abound. For a look at the rivers, tack-
le and heritage of the sport, pick up а copy of Land of Little
Rivers, a $60 book that's a “story in photos of Catskill fly-
fishing,” by piscatorial historian Austin McK. Francis. Con-
toct Beaverkill Press at 212-288-7782 to place an order

or go to beaverkillpress.com

Saving Face

Baseboll players ond
managers going for the
gold now tote something
silver along with them,
too. The lotest locker-
room stotus symbol is the
snozzy silver-mesh shave
kit by Zirh pictured here.
According to the compa-
ny, it's the on-the-rood
choice for the Los Ange-
les Dodgers, Sammy So-
so, Manny Ramirez and
Joe Torre—among оћ-
er major leaguers. (Ce-
lebrities such as David
|) Schwimmer and Jason
Priestley olso like it.)
\ The kit contoins four

| Zirh products: Clean
"(on alphahydroxy face
wash), Scrub (on exfo-
liant), Shave Gel with
aloe vera and Soothe
(moisturizer). The price
about $60, in department
stores or from zirh.com.

Clothesline:
Trevor Goddard
and Alan Cumming

^1 grew up poor, so | wore sweots а
lot—and still do,” soys Trevor God-
dard (right), а former boxer who
plays Mic Brumby on CBS’ Jag. (His
fovorites are by Nike and Tommy
Hilfiger.) Being from Australia, God-
dord is olso partial to Kangol caps
with the kangaroo logo. “I turn
them bockward the woy Somuel

L. Jockson does.” Suits from Erme-
negildo Zegno and Versace ore his
choices when he's dressing up, “but
I don’t wont to sound like а wank-
er soying, ‘because I'm now on a
show, | sleep in Versoce.' That's not
me.” Alon Cumming (right), who's
in Josie and the Pussycats and The
Anniversary Party, which he co-
wrote ond co-directed with Jennifer
| Joson Leigh, says he loves Alexan-
der McQueen, Valentino and Proda.
But his favorite designer is Cynthia
Rowley. “She's a good friend, and I
was her muse for a collection she
did lost year. Cynthia's clothes are
very colorful and very me.”

Guys Are Talking About...

Funky condoms, The funkiest is Night Light, the first glow-in-
the-dork condom cleored for marketing by the FDA. "Every
night will be a litle brighter with the Night Light,” soys Davin
Wedel, president of Globol Protection, the monufacturer. “We
would like to give the phrase ‘rise and shine’ a whole new
meoning.” Price: obout $4 for three, from nightlightcondoms.
сот, ® Status molt beverages. Modonno was seen drinking
Smirnoff Ice at the film premiere for her ћизбопа 5 film Snatch.
Pap the top off а cold 12-ounce long-neck and drink Ice right
from the bottle—no sissy glosses. The tos rusy, with light
carbonation. Great for the beach. Price: about $7 о six-pock.
Bars, clubs and restouronts carry it, too. ® Internet rodias. Phil-
ips’ FW-i1000 is one of the first minisys-

tems to free Internet radio from your

PC. Attach it to your broodbond con-

nection and you'll be oble ta tune in

to any of the thousonds of global

broodcasts avoiloble online. Our

current favorite: troffic reports from

Bloemfontein, South Africo. € Moni

tor prices. Samsung has introduced a

15-inch flot-panel monitor priced at

$550. The SyncMoster 570 УТЕ

takes up just o third of the

desk spoce needed for о.

CRT model. It also colls;

for considerably less

electricity thon o simi-

lar-size CRT would.

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 181

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Mine Playboy Advisor

М, boyfriend wants me to give him a
lap dance, but I've never done anything
like that before. How can I make it good
for him?—S.K., Atlanta, Georgia

Sometimes this job can be a real grind. To
research your question, we were forced to
spend several afternoons ordering lap dan-
ces and observing the dancers’ techniques al
Crazy Horse Too in Chicago. Our favorite,
Kennedy, provided this advice free of charge:
“Dim the lights, put on some Sade or Enig-
ma and make him sit on his hands. There
will be no touching, except what you initiate
As you dance and lease him, imagine you're
a cat. Purr if it helps you get in the mood.
Start on the opposite side of the room and
walk slowly toward him, so he can take you
in. You can dress in lingerie or as a librari-
ап or businesswoman or maid and strip as
you dance; whatever turns him on. Just don't
give it up during the first song. Take your
time; the longer he has to wait, the crazier
he'll get. Blow in his ear and whisper to him.
Taunt him а little. "You like what you see?’
Show him your ass. Rub your hands up and
down your body. Cup your breasts. Wet your
nipples. Place your breasts close to his face.
Lick your lips. Look yourself over as if i
were the first time you'd ever seen yourself
nude. I call it the PLAYBOY gaze, becaus
the Centerfolds often have it. When you've
teased him plenty, sit on his lap facing away
from him and lean your head back. That
gives him a nice view of your tits. We can't
touch the men who visit our club, but you
have more freedom. If you feel generous, let
him put his hands on your hips as you grind.
If he tries to move them anywhere else, whis-
per in his ear, ‘No touching.’ One last thing:
Always remember to get your money.” Ken-
nedy ассеріх cash, but how your boyfriend
pays for his dance is negotiable,

Some websites will mail you a supply of
Viagra without your having to see a doc-
tor. Is it legal to get the drug that way?—
PL., Roanoke, Virginia
Many states have cracked down on doctors
who write new prescriplions without seeing
patients, but just as many allow it. That's
why so many websites are able to affer Viag-
ra and other drugs. Typically, a site will ask
you la fill out a questionnaire about your
‘medical history, which is forwarded to a phy-
sician for review. If he doesn't see (or choos-
es to ignore) red flags such as heart disease,
he writes the prescription and charges you
for the “visit.” The scrip can only be filled by
the site's pharmacist, who вий offering any
bargains. Sites based entirely overseas may
not bother with the prescription, but because
they're outside the jurisdiction of the FDA,
you have no assurance of what you're actu-
ally getting, or ils quality. Before you buy
any prescription drug online, check with the
National Association of Boards of Pharmacy

at www.nabp.org to determine if the site is le-
gitimate. The primary reason to see a physi-
Cian is that your erection difficulties may in-
dicate a more serious problem, e.g., prostate
cancer. Because an Internet consultation is a
one-way conversation, an online doc could
miss important symptoms.

Û meet alot of nice women but as soon as
I tell them about my interest in swing-
g it's over. Do you have any sugges
tions?—H.W., Chicago, Illinois

So, that's your line: “I'd love to be with
you—at an orgy"? You can't expect most
women to respond favorably before they
know you well, or before you have any clue if
they share your love of adventure. The dat-
ing advice we provided in last month's col-
итп applies here as well. Ask your swinging
friends to set you up with single, open-mind-
ed women, and eventually one wall cli

Judging by the letters that the Advisor
has received during the past six months,
husbands’ masturbating is a sensitive is-
sue for a lot of women. La we are all
bothered by our guys’ masturbating. It
a selfish act that makes us feel a variety of
things, from rejected to worthless to un-
attractive to cheated on. However, guys
are going to continue to masturbate.
They can't help themselves. They say to
themselves, “It's there, it feels good, so
why not?” Women have more control. So
what can you do? Confront your hus-
band. Ask him how often he does it, what
he thinks about, if it is a reflection on
your relationship and what you can do
to make him turn to you for pleasure.
Your husband is not going to want to dis-
cuss this. Masturbation is something he

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL

has hidden since age 12 or 13 and he's
going to feel you have invaded his p!
vate world. If he is like most guys, he will
make a smartass comment and change
the subject. This is where you will have
to stress how deeply it affects you. If he
loves you completely, he will listen and
eventually the conversation will unfold.
I'm not saying that he'll stop, but at least
he knows how you feel. Then, if the mas-
turbation continues and your sex life
suffers, he won't be surprised when you
move on.—R.R., Atlanta, Georgia

Who, exactly, are you going to move on to?
A guy who doesn't masturbate, or just one
who’s better at hiding it from you? Since
we're growing weary of justifying this natur-
al, healthy and almost universal practice
among husbands and boyfriends, we'll make
your letter our last on this topic for a while.
Our position again is that touching yourself
is kosher, as long as it isn't a substitute for
an active sex life with your partner. Women
don't possess more control than men, or less
desire. They're simply more often socialized
not to explore “down there.” Those who work
past that taboo have a wonderful time. Many
of our female readers will be amused at your
notion that they should "confront" their
partner about his lifelong habit, as if he
needed an intervention (“Honey, your fami-
ly is here because we feel y
noodle a little too much”). In our world-
and we're glad to live in itia guy telling his
wife what he thinks about when he mastur-
bates is called foreplay.

1 was in New York with friends recent-
ly, and we ordered wine. The sommelier
showed us the bottle, then stepped to the
leboard to pour a sample. He offered
me the sample, I approved and then he
brought the three other glasses. They
each had a light residue on them, as if
they were dirty. When I asked about it,
he said he had primed them with a small
amount of the wine, poured from one
glass to the next and then thrown out,
because it allows the bouquet an ear-
ly start. Have you ever heard of this?—
H.R., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

We've seen it done. The explanation we
got was that il ensured that whatever contam-
inants might have been in the glasses, such
as soap residue, had been vanquished. Does
it do any harm? No. Is it fun? Sure. Should
you tip more [or it? Forget it.

A fier 20 years of marriage and rather
standard sex, my wife is getting adven-
turous. Without any prompting on my
part, she has started to blow me regular-
ly and swallow my come. She never let
me ejaculate on her before, much less in
her mouth. A few months after that she

PLAYBOY

encouraged me to enter her anally. She
seemed to like it as much as I did and
has initiated this several times since. Two
weeks ago, while I was taking a nap, she
gave me a back rub and then tied my
hands behind my back. When I started
to protest, she tied my legs to the bed-
post. She teased me for hours before she
finally let me come. Finally. with another
couple visiting one night, she suggested
some male-female arm wrestling. She
put on a show of beating the other guy
and then me. 1 love the new sex play but
Тат not sure what to make of this. What
happened to change a woman in her
mid-40s from a conservative lover to an
inventive maniac?—G.T., Kansas City,
Missouri

Here are some ideas: (1) Your wife's been
reading a few good books. (2) Your wife ran
into Chyna at the supermarket. (3) Your
wife's doctor prescribed a testosterone treal-
ment to boost her libido but averdid il, from
his perspective. Without asking her, we can't
be sure what led to your wifes transforma-
tion, But if you won the lottery, would you
waste time analyzing how you chose the num-
hers, or just enjoy the money?

In March the Advisor discussed ways to
get out of a ticket. The police officer you
interviewed said admitting your screw-
up is the best chance you have. А co-
worker was stopped doing 77 mph in a
55 mph zone. When the of
him why he was speeding, he
stupid " The cop sent him on his
мау Л, Madison, Wisconsin

See, it works—unless the cop hates stupid
people.

Back in February, a reader questioned
whether it would be harmful if he and
his wife continued swinging even while
she was attempting to get pregnant. The
Advisor discussed the issue of sperm
competition but missed one major point
Research has shown that changing sex
partners immediately before and йи
ing pregnancy is a risk factor for miscar-
riage or early labor.—J.M., Albuquer-
que, New Mexico

You're right. We should have mentioned
this r Anything that alters the delicate
balance of bacteria in the vagina, including
genital tract infections and sexually trans-
mitted diseases, can contribute to early labor.
Thal, in turn, can lead to serious lifelong
problems for the child, including cerebral
palsy, mental retardation, blindness, deaf-
ness and respiratory problems. The risk of
infection increases when the mother and/or
father have other sexual partners besides
each other. Let that be a warning to swingers
and cheaters: If you're trying to have a baby,
or you're expecting one, don't screw around.

What happens to a person's personal
e-mail account and/or web page when ће
or she dies?—TW., Brooklyn, New York
Like everything else you own. your online

files become the property of your estote. Un-
less you leave specific instructions, your ex-
есшот can dispense or dispose of them as he
sees fit. If you're а celebrity or an inventor
whose e-mail remains have markel value, a
gold-digging ex may be able to prevent their
destruction—one more reason to encrypt
that stuff about your pony fetish. As a law
professor recently noted online, “If a person
password-protected his information and
didn't share the password, that’s a sign for
his heirs that he didn't want anyone rifling
through it.” If you will your website to a
beneficiary, he could heep it up to date inde
simply by adding the headline, HE'S
STILL DEAD. Ви without a way to pay the
fees, it may eventually go dark. If you're seri-
ous about your online legacy, a volunteer or-
ganization at afterlife.org keeps sites alive
afier their owners have logged off.

This is a serious question. 1 was going
down on my wife and she let go of a large
amount of flatulence. What would be the
proper thing lor either of us to say or do
when that happens? I was grossed out
and my wife became angry, saying 1 had
ruined the mood. (She's the one who
farted!) What's the etiquette for this sit
ation?—D.L., Buffalo, New York

It's always unpleasant to learn the hard
way that your wife's gas doesn't smell like
potpourri. We suggest that in the future you
both make use of a technique described to Jay
Leno by an audience member on The Tonight
Show. She explained that whenever someone
in her household felt the need to release, he
Safety." This alerted
other family members to stand clear. That's
an easy courtesy to extend to anyone giving
you pleasure.

What is the best Internet site for a mar-
ried man to meet women?—V.R., Wo-
burn, Massachusetts

We're not sure, but you'll probably end up
at divorce.com.

or she would say,

Tn the March issue, млувоу featured sev-
eral models displaying their beautiful
feet. An example is the Hennessy ad on
the back cover. Will this become a trend?
In the event it does, I thought I would
share my ideas about what constitutes a
hot foot. It should be rounded instead of
angular, as if diagrammed using a com-
pass. The toes should be orbs of dimin-
ishing diameter, aligned in an arch, with
none protruding above or retracting be-
low this line. They also should be free
to wriggle, not scrunched together or
pressed into angular shapes. The balls
of the feet should be well defined, with
a high instep and a broad heel. I don't
personally meet the definition of a fe-
tishist, because it's not necessary that a
woman's feet or any other body part
match my ideal. But it’s nice when it
happens.—R.B., Miami Beach, Florida
Once you start looking for barefoot wom-
en, they turn up everywhere. Playboy Special

Editions has published two volumes of Bare-
fout. Beauties, and many adult movies now
seem to include at least one sole-searchin;
scene. One hypothesis is that the relative
safety of foot sex becomes more appealing
ne epidemics of sexually transmitted.
diseases. A study published a few years ago
m By ое ral Reports argued that each
of the three major STD epidemics during
the past millennium was accompanied by a
surge of interest in the female foot in art, lit-
erature and fashion. To see if the pattern
continued with AIDS, the researchers count-
ed the number of photos featuring bared fe-
male feet in PLAYBOY, Penthouse and six oth-
er adult magazines between 1965 and 1994.
They found a fourfold increase.

Таша 28-year-old Christian. When 1
was 15, I made а vow 1 would save my-
self for my future wife. Call me old-fash-
ioned. but I've had the chance to lose my
inity several times and always resist-
ed. As I get older, I'm meeting more and
more women who are sexually experi-
enced, and I'm reluctant to ask them out
because I fear they will laugh at me. I wish
1 had never made my promise, although
1 know in theory that it will lead to a last-
ing marriage. Do you know how many
women have opted to do the same for
their future mates?—D.C., Dallas, Texas

Have you considered that your future wife
may nol want your virginity? Instead, she
may prefer a guy who has thrived in and sur-
vived a few intimate relationships. We're not
saying you should rush out and get laid, but
you made this vow before you were emotion-
ally or sexually mature—a true leap of faith
about how your life would unfold. According
to one study, 16.5 percent of men and 30
percent of women remain virgins until they
marry. Other research suggests that thi
men and women have much lower rates of
separation and divorce, bul anyone who can
abstain in our sexually saturated culture
easily has the discipline for a long-term re-
lationship. Don't be ashamed to explain, if
why you're celibate. Your dates
respect your convictions or become
incredibly turned on, but we doubt they'll
laugh. If a wily lover manages to seduce you,
keep т mind that your innocence had a long
life, and that you'll still have a great mar-
riage—maybe with her.

АЙ reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat-
ing dilemmas, taste and eliquette—will be
personally answered if the writer includes a
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre-
sented in these pages each month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, vtaypoy, 680 North Lake
Share Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisorcom

The Advisory tatest collection of sex т
365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life, is avail-
able in stores or by phoning 800-423-9494.

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n February 16, Dr. William

Masters died. We lost a

good friend. Our relation-
ship began in 1967, a year after the
publication of Human Sexual Response,
the landmark study that surprised
America by occupying the best-seller
lists for six months. That same year
Dr. Masters and his research part-
ner, Virginia Johnson, approached
the Playboy Foundation for funding.
(Not yet married, the two stayed in
adjoining rooms at the Playboy Man-
sion.) The St. Louis-based team want-
ed to start a training program for
doctors. Over the next few years,
we contributed more than
$300,000 to create a genera-
tion of sex therapists. But the
relationship went deeper.
PLAYBOY editor Nat Lehrman
wrote a book, Masters and John-
son Explained, to spread the gos-
pel to laymen. This was news
you could use. The sex re-
searchers sat for two Playboy In-
lerviews, wrote articles for the
magazine and willingly shared
their expertise with readers of
The Playboy Advisor. They pro-
vided a safe vocabulary, an au-
thority that changed the way
we wrote and talked about sex.

Here is just a short list of
what we learned from William
Masters:

(1) Knowledge is heroic. In
1900 a doctor asked the Amer-
ican Medical Association to
publish a monograph on what
happens to а woman's body
during arousal. The AMA refused.
Sixty-six years later Masters and John-
son conducted the research and com-
pleted the picture.

(2) Ignorance is not innocence.
Even before the publication of Hu-
man Sexual Response, psychoanalyst
attacked Masters and Johnson's re-
search, claiming the objective study of
sex in the lab stripped away "mod-
esty, privacy, reticence, abstinence,
chastity, fidelity and shame.” Now
you know why it took 66 years.

(3) Sex belongs in the body. By de-
scribing the physiology of human sex
ual response, the good doctor pre-
sented the textbook definition of
healthy sex. Sex, thus described, epit-

THE PLAYBOY FORUM

THE MASTERS VOICE

what we learned from america's foremost sex researcher

omizes the natural, the human.

(4) Masters took the labels off sex.
This is what happens when humans
go through the cycle of excitement,
plateau, orgasm and resolution—
whether they are single or married,
straight or gay.

(5) The ultimate sex authority was
antiauthoritarian. In PLAYBOY, Mas-
ters said, “Sexual demand seems to
be a unique physiological entity. Un-
like other demands, it can be with-
drawn from; it can be delayed or
postponed indefinitely. You cannot
do this with bowel function or cardi-
ac or respiratory function. Perhaps

because it can be influenced in this
unique manner, sex has been pulled
out of context. Lawyers and legisla-
tors have taken a hand in telling us
how to regulate sexual activity. They
don't, of course, presume to regulate
heart rate.” We never said Masters
was a romantic.

(6) Masters rediscovered the clit-
oris. The clitoris was not completely
unknown, just the victim of an odd
conspiracy of silence. Medical texts
would show female genitalia and not
bother to label the clitoris. Even
PLAYBOY was an inadvertent partici-
pant in the conspiracy of silence: We
did not mention the word clitoris in
the magazine until 1968. The осса-

RUE

МО

sion: our first interview with Masters
and Johnson.

(7) Masters inspired the genital
gym. Fitness began at home. Teach
yourself to reach orgasm, then allow
yourself to have an orgasm in the
presence of your partner. Show each
other what works.

(8) There is no right way to give
each other pleasure. The clitoris is
the trigger for women, but the whole
body is involved in the fireworks.
What works, works.

(9) Masters got rid of the stop-
watch. It mattered not how long you
lasted in bed, although doing it to an
entire side of the Rolling
Stones’ Exile on Main Street
was not to be dismissed
lightly. Masters introduced
the term premature ejac-
ulation to the populace. It
did not mean coming too
quickly, he said. He defined
it as “reaching orgasm be-
fore your partner does half
of the time.” He also pro-
vided something called the
squeeze technique to slow
down “ejaculatory inevita-
bility.” Yes, he used words
like that to describe what we
know as oh-God-don't-stop.

(10) He was honest. When
asked how he could write a
366-page book on sex that
only once mentioned fella-
tio and never mentioned
anal sex, he said simply, "We
didn't have the courage."
Masters set a high standard
for the sexual scientist: He would talk
only about things he had observed in
the lab. He would not speculate or
opine. He would not offer soundbites
on the sexual crises du jour. He aban-
doned this principle just once, in a
book on the AIDS epidemic.

(11) We can make it better. Masters
sex was important, that ev-
ual had the right to expe-
rience his or her body at its best. We
don't have to live with dysfunction, or
the tragic consequences of ignorance.
Every pharmaceutical company that
pursues a quality-of-life drug like Vi-
agra does so because William Masters
and Virginia Johnson made sexual
health a legitimate endeavor.

a 1 8 hen the Henry J. Kaiser Fam-
ЛОМ] ily Foundation released Sex
WES on TV (2), papers across the
nation reported its findings with head-
lines such as AIRWAVES HEAT UP WITH
MORE TV SEX and SALACIOUS PLOTS FILL
THE SMALL SCREEN. At the foundation's
request, researchers at the University
of California-Santa Barbara examined
1114 network and cable programs
from the 1999-2000 season and con-
cluded that 68 percent contained flirt-
ing, kissing, intimate touching, talking
about sex and/or depictions of inter-
course. The foundation had commis-
sioned its first Sex on TV study in 1997:
The new figure represented a 12 per-
cent increase in the sexual content of
shows charted earlier.

"The researchers found the most sex
in sitcoms (84 percent), soaps (80 per-
cent), TV movies (67 percent), talk
shows (67 percent) and newsmag-
azines (59 percent).

‘The authors of the study fo-
cused on the concern that tele-
vision is molding the sexual at
titudes of today's youth. They
recited the usual statistics—kids
ages 8 to 13 watch 3.37 hours of
television per day; those 14 to 18
watch 2.43 hours. One wonders
when these couch potatoes have
time to fool around, but they do.
Half of high school students have
had intercourse, although more
than half of those did not use a
condom the last time they had
sex. One in four sexually active
kids gets an STD, and more than
750,000 teenagers become preg-
nant each year.

After suggesting that television is on-
ly one of many sources of sexual ideas,
the authors of the survey seem to con-
demn the medium for not presenung
the right ideas—i.e., those that would
scare the pants back onto most teen-
agers. TV executives were missing the
opportunity to lead: Only 10 percent
of programs with sexual content em-
phasized the risks of sex or depicted
the consequences. Tsk, tsk.

The study found itself caught in
a classic double bind. ТУ sets a bad
example? Stop the presses. We learn
that more teens on television appear
to be having sex: from three percent
in 1997 to nine percent in the most re-

how much is just enough?
By JAMES R. PETERSEN

cent season. Compared with real rates
of high school sex, television teenag-
ers are chaste. But before you turn off
Dawson's Creek, consider this finding:
“Shows in which teens talk about or
have sex are twice as likely to indude
discussion of the risks or responsibili-
ties, compared with all other programs
with sexual content.”

The Kaiser survey raises an inter-
esting question: How much televised
sex—with or without the surgeon gen-
eral's warning—is proper? And while
we're at it, what kind of things qualify
as sex?

The Kaiser study, it turns
out, leaves a lot to be de-
sired. To begin with, the re-
searchers excluded news-
casts, sports and children's

programming. On the one hand, that
leaves out the purple Teletubby that
Jerry Falwell thinks is turning our
kids into militant homosexuals. No
sports? Dennis Miller on Monday
Night Football may not qualify as sex-
ual content, but how about those
gymnasts in the summer Olympics? In-
cluding nightly news stories—Tom,
Dan and Peter intoning about AIDS or
teen pregnancy—would have raised
the quotient of safe-sex stories, as
would reports of backseat blow jobs
for Hollywood celebrities and the pres-
idential impeachment follies. On the
other hand, the inclusion of obvious-
ly neutral shows would have dropped

the overall figure. But the authors of
the survey have dealt with the media
before: They know that small figures
don't end up in headlines.

The Kaiser researchers had an ex-
pansive definition of sexual content:
The 68 percent figure lumped “sexu-
al activity” with “talk about sexuality”
“sexually suggestive behavior” and
something called “talk toward sex”
(which would include flirting and beg-
ging). A woman licking her lips provoc-
atively while gazing ata man ina bar or
Ally McBeal having sex in a car wash
was lumped together with guests on
Sally debating the line between flirting

and cheating.

On television (as in real life) talk
about sex is more common than actual
sex. Nearly two thirds of the shows in
the study featured some talk about sex.
This included gossip, stories about past
loves and, on the bleak side, accounts
of rape and other sex crimes (six per-
cent of shows). Are horror stories titil-
lating? If your teen watches а talk show

where a woman describes being mo-
lested by her father, will he then try to
fondle his girlfriend?

Only 27 percent of the shows pre-
sented action rather than words. Phys-
ical flirting accounted for 18 percent of
the sexual behavior tabulated; passion-
ate kissing, 56 percent; intimate touch-
ing, six percent; sexual intercourse
(implied), 15 percent; sexual inter-
course (depicted), four percent. Bro-
ken down another way, 17 percent of
the shows examined “precursory be-
haviors" (gazing, touching, hugging),
while 10 percent depicted or strongly
implied sexual intercourse. To get that
last figure the researchers included all
scenes that faded to black as the couple

headed for bed, or those in which the
couple woke up in bed together. More
than half of these (58 percent) involved
situations “in which the characters are
known to be nude butare covered by a
sheet or other object.” Only seven рег-
cent showed “private parts” such as
breasts, butts or genitals.

To the prude everything hints at sex.
The American Family Association used
to monitor the jiggle content of Char-
lie's Angels episodes, counting each jig-
gle, we assume, as a separate sexual
event. The Kaiser figure seems a little
high. Two out of three programs are
marked by sexual content? Maybe if
you're watching the Spice Channel

Bill Maher keeps index cards on a
wall in his office that suggest themes
for his show, Politically Incorrect. One
topic: People who are against sex edu-
cation need it the most. Those who are
alarmed by the Kaiser figures will be
content only with no sexual content.

Intercourse Strongly Implied

Mimi, who works in a
department store with
Drew Carey, is a 40ish
woman with a zany гери-
tation. This scene begins
in the store's parki
structure, with Mimi slid-
ing out of the backseat of
а car with a huge grin.
She is immediately fol-
lowed out of the car by her fiancé,
Steve, who is Drew's brother. They
both giggle as she says, “It is more
fun doing it in a stranger's car.”
Mimi opens her purse, pulls out a
compact and begins to powder her
makeup-covered face. “Do you
think we are getting addicted to
thrill sex?” she asks him. “1
don't know,” Steve responds.
“Let's talk about it tomorrow—
in the changing room at the
Baby Gap!” “Oooh!” cries Mimi,
and they kiss in approval. (Drew
Carey, ABC)

Expert Advice and
Technical information

Jane is the parent of two high
schoolers—her daughter, Sam,
and her stepdaughter, Brooke.
Jane discovers a condom in the
girls’ shared bathroom drawer,
so she decides to have a frank
talk with them about sex. Horri-
fied at the prospect of such a
discussion with their mother, the
girls try to defer it. “Mom, we
have Cinemax. We don't need to
discuss sex,” says Sam. Jane
says, “| am not going to be one
of those parents who lives in denial.
Unfortunately, | can't teach you about
the emotional side of sex. That, you
learn as you go. But | can get rid of
your fears and your worries about the
plumbing." She then hands some
pamphlets titled Know Your Vagina to
the girls and the scene ends as she
asks them, “OK, does everyone know
the purpose and the origin of the la-
bia majora?” (Popular, WB)

Physical Flirting

Teri and Gwen, friends and busi-
ness pertners, discover they have
both been dating the same client,
James. To get back at him for this in-
discretion, they invite him to their
apartment one night, ostensibly to
work, After he arrives Teri leaves the
room for a moment and returns to
find James ing Gwen. "How dare
you!” Teri exclaims. James stammers
that he can explain, but Teri interrupts

KAISER
PICKS

THE
HITS

him, saying, "How dare
you start without me!"
Teri and Gwen seductive-
ly pull off their dresses
and face James in noth-
ing but their lingerie,
seemingly inviting him to
be part of a threesome.
James says smugly,
“Well, this is an interest-
ing development.” Gwen
proceeds to unbuckle his belt and
whisk the belt off of his pants. Gwen
leads James into the bedroom with
Teri following. At the entrance to the
bedroom Gwen tells him with a whip
of his belt that he must go to bed for
being naughty. The two women leave
the room and return with champagne
to find James naked in bed. They
then coax him out onto the fire es-
cape, promising to make love to him
under the stars. Once he’s outside
they get their revenge by stealing the
sheet he is wearing and shutting the
window, leaving him locked outside,
naked. (Fired Up, USA)

intercourse Depicted

Ally is walking down a busy street
to her office, soaking wet. She en-
counters John, a co-worker, who
questions her appearance. Some-
what dazed, she responds, “1 just met
this guy, somebody Га never taid
eyes on before. | met him at the car
wash. . . . | think he works there.” Her
story continues. “We certainly taid
eyes on each other. He's in the car
with me, and we are soaking wet and
start reading each other's minds, or |
should say fantasies, and we don't
say a word. We just start kissing and
pulling off each other's clothes and
we make love right there inside the
car wash." While Ally is narrating
the story, there are visual flashbacks
of the escapade that show her and
the mystery man staring intimately
at each other and then passionately
kissing. There is water everywhere,
they are both soaked and they begin
to strip each other's clothes off. The
brief flashes show them discreet-
ly nude, having intercourse in many
different positions. Then the scene
shifts abruptly back to Ally telling
John about the event. “I know | used
the term make love, but it wasn't that,
John. No, it was that other word—
that vulgar verb used to describe
what two people do. That is what we
were doing, and that's what | want to
do to him again. That vulgar verb!"
(Апу McBeal, Fox)

BATHROOM READING

Political correctness thrives at
Oregon State University, my al-
ma mater and also that of your
2000 Playmate of the Year, Jodi
Ann Paterson. This e-mail, with
the subject heading “Inappro-
priate Behavior in the Work
Environment,” was sent by a
professor to every member of
his department:
“This morning 1 found a
copy of PLAYBOY in the first-
floor men's rest room of Cord-
ley West. This is not the first
time this has happened, but
given that the latest issue ap-
peared in the rest room over
the holidays, it suggests that it
was not left there by an itiner-
ant undergraduate, but rath-
er by a regular inhabitant of
the building (i.e., someone who
gets this e-mail). Leaving por-
nographic magazines in public
places is a form of sexual ha-
Tassment, promoting an antag-
onistic work environment. I
will be turning the magazine
over to authorities so they can
keep it for fingerprints or what-
ever, should this inconsiderate
behavior recur.”

E R

Group П violation, which he
defined as “unlawful or im-
proper conduct on or off the
Job that reflects badly on the
company.” He said that I had to
sign his report acknowledging
my misconduct.

I felt that if I did not sign,
I would be terminated. I ex-
plained to the manager that I
had no prior knowledge that
my boss would be giving me a
PLAYBOY. He asked why I hadn't
left the room when I saw the
magazine, which almost. made
me laugh. (1 would run to a
PLAYBOY, but never from one.) 1
had to bite my tongue when he
next asked what 1 would have
done if a co-worker had offered
me marijuana, or if a gun col-
lector showed me one of his
weapons at work. After I signed
his “stern warning,” the man-
ager said I would have to apol-
орге to his secretary. And then,
with my boss looking on, he
handed me the PLAYBOY and
told me that he was going to
watch as I ripped it apart and
fed it to his shredder.

I still have my job. But my

Doug Woodfill
Anacortes, Washington
How does leaving a men's mag-
azine in a men's rest room harass
women, who, one assumes, have
their own facility? We e-mailed and
left a phone message for the profes-

sor whose name appears on the mes-

LARE TOY Зара?

fied advertisement placed in Canada’s
National Post by Brian O'Dea, who completed his
sentence earlier this year. O'Dea, 52, says he re-
ceived hundreds of responses, including inquiries
from ad agencies, trucking companies and fish-
ing boat owners. He now hosts a weekly talk show
on Canadian television about drug legalization,

co-workers constantly tease me,
saying, “Hey, porn man!” and
“Got any magazines?” Was this
fair? No. Was this legal? I'm
sure it was. I'd like to sign my
name to this letter, but I'm gun-
shy. I've had enough trouble
already.
Name Withheld

sage, butterfly specialist Andrew
Brower of the Department of Ento-
mology; he did not respond. Oregon
State administrators said no formal com-
plaint has been filed.

OFFICE READING

Earlier this year, my boss vacationed
in Las Vegas. I suggested that he take a
copy of the April pLaygoy, which fea-
tures the women of the Hard Rock Ca-
sino, and get it autographed. When
he returned, he brought me a great
souvenir: a copy of the issue signed to
me by one of the Robert Palmer girls,
Robyn Richelle Williams. As he showed.
me the page she had autographed, a
secretary from human resources walked
into the room, then quickly walked out.

A few minutes later, the manager of
human resources was standing in the

harm reduction and recovery.

doorway. He asked about the PLAYBOY,
which I had placed into an envelope to
take home. My boss, who is a stand-up
guy, explained he had brought it to the
office to give to me as a gift and that 1
wasn't to blame. The manager said that
was beside the point because a female
employee had seen it. He took the mag-
azine and left.

The following day, I was instructed
to report to human resources. You can
see where this is going. The manager
said that I had been seen with pornog-
raphy, which violated the company’s
Standards of Employee Conduct. He
said that although he could fire me,
the company had decided to give me
a break and classify the incident as a

Roswell, New Mexico

We asked Robyn to autograph
another copy of the April issue for
your collection, and she was happy to oblige.
You're right; there's nothing illegal about
what the manager did, and had you been
fired, you likely would have had no recourse.
Each company sets its own rules, and the
courts provide a lot of leeway. Your manag-
er, had he any skill at his job, should have
simply reminded you that some people are
easily offended and that the company does
not allow adult publications on the job.
Making you shred the magazine? C'mon.
What a prick.

EXECUTING CRIMINALS

Lam a police officer in Los Angeles.
On a daily basis, 1 confront hardened
criminals who don't qualify as humans.
It burns me up when I see them beat

В Е S

[Forum|
Р 0

the system through technicalities and
walk out of the court snickering at cops
and prosecutors. At times, I feel like
killing them with my ovn hands. How-
ever, I still question the morality of ex-
ecuting them.

The death penalty is based on falla-
cious logic. И has no dissuading pow-
er over criminals. If they even consid-
er repercussions before committing a
crime, they certainly don't discriminate
between the death penalty and life in
prison.

That leaves only one other justifi-
cation—revenge. But even as an act
of vengeance, it is an absolute failure
Candlelight vigils, media coverage and
the lengthy appeals process often make
the criminal look like a victim. The pub-
lic ends up empathizing with him.

Life in prison without parole, com-
bined with restitution for the victim's
family, is a much better alternative. It is
time for America to join the civilized
nations that have abolished the death
penalty.

Sunil Dutta
Los Angeles, California

Recently I read the words writ-
ten by Robert Wynkfielde more
than 400 years ago. He had just
watched the execution of Mary,
Queen of Scots. “Then she, ly-
ing very still upon the block, one
of the executioners holding her
slightly with one of his hands, she
endured two strokes of the other
executioner with an ax, she mak-
ing very small noise or none at
all, and not stirring any part of
her from the place where she lay:
And so the executioner cut off
her head, saving one little gristle,
which being cut asunder, he lifted
up her head to the view of all the
assembly and bade God save the
Queen.”

This sounds like a description of
a medical procedure, something
unpleasant that had to be done,
and so everyone—especially the
patient—bore it with good grace.
Here is how Plato described the
death of Socrates, who was sur-
rounded by his chums, one of
whom was the executioner: “The
boy went out and stayed a long
time, then came back with the man
who was to administer the poison,
which he brought with him in a
cup ready for use. And when Soc-

rates saw him, he said, ‘Well, my good
man, you know about these things;
what must I do?’ ‘Nothing,’ he replied,
‘except drink the poison and walk
about till your legs feel heavy; then lie
down, and the poison will take effect
of itself." Socrates agreeably followed
his advice, and all those present wept
over his death.

Good manners were present when
Eva Dugan, the only woman ever exe-
cuted in Arizona, was hanged in 1930.
As she stood on the scaffold with a
black hood over her head, the prison
warden clasped her hand and said,
“God bless you, Eva.”

The people who officiate at execu-
tions arc in fact polite. The execution-
er never seems angry. The inmate is
killed, but the killing is strangely pas-
sionless. It just seems to be the end re-
sult ofa bureaucratic procedure, some-
thing that the rules demand. These are
the things I will never understand.

Barry Graham
Phoenix, Arizona

FORUM БУЛ

Two San Francisco artists have created
a series of sex toys guaranteed to of-
fend, arouse or amuse. The collection
2 includes a Buddha,
the devil, the grim
reaper, Moses,
Judas, the Virgin
Mary and two
versions of Je-
sus. They’re
sold for $40
to $75 each
at divine-
interventions.
com, where
visitors are
invited to
leave com-
ments. So far
everyone has
found the idea
| outrageous

N 5

MORE COMMANDMENTS

Herc are the rules I'd post on school
walls ("Hang 10,” The Playboy Forum,
March):

(1) All acquaintances are not your
friends, and all strangers are not your
enemies.

(2) Talent is a gift. Character is a
choice.

(3) Learn to read, to laugh and to
swim.

(4) Develop your powers of observa-
tion. Nothing is as it seems.

(5) The big, bad world doesn't owe
you а thing.

Bob Beck
Abingdon, Maryland

Here are my suggestions:
(1) Anarchy is good. Give it a try.
(2) But never forget how much pris-
оп sucks.
Will Mildner
Carlisle, Indiana

WEBSITE SENTENCE
Tammy and Herbert Robinson, the
couple arrested in Polk County,
Florida because authorities said
their website violated local stan-
dards (“Indecent Leisure,” The
Playboy Forum, February), reached
a settlement with the city. Prosecu-
tors agreed to drop charges if the
Robinsons paid a $2000 fine and
promised not to work in any “sex-
ually oriented” business in Polk,
Highlands and Hardee counties
for the next four years. They paid
an awfully high price for exercis-
ing their right to free speech.
James Miller
Miami, Florida

Firms should not be allowed to
restrict their workers’ lawful use
of the Internet. As a person who
values his privacy, the only time 1
want my boss in my bedroom is if
I'm having sex with her.

Stéphane Landry

Montreal, Quebec

We would like to hear your point
of view. Send questions, opinions
and quirky stuff to The Playboy Fo-
Tum, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611,
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax
312-951-2939. Please include a day-
time phone number and your city and
stale от province.

[FO в и м | . —

Fon ME Заб OF ем

it was the ad heard round the world. now you can read it

y now you've heard about the ad-

vertisement that political provoca-
‘im teur David Horowitz attempted to
place in college newspapers around the
country. He sent 10 Reasons Why Rep-
arations for Slavery Is a Bad Idea—and
Racist Too to more than 70 institutions
of higher learning, and most refused
to print it. A few of those that did pro-
voked passionate responses:

* At the University of California, stu-
dents seized copies of the student pa-
per and demanded that editors apol-
ogize. They did, accepting blame for
being the "vehicle for bigotry.” Editors
at two other schools also apologized.

е At the University of Wisconsin, 150
students stormed the offic-
es of The Badger Herald and
called for the editor to re-
sign. She refused

* At Brown, protesters
seized the entire print run
of the Daily Herald, demand-
ed free space for a counter
ad and insisted the paper
turn over the $725 ad fee to
a minority student organi-
zation. A student explained
that confiscating papers was
not a First Amendment is-
sue: “If something is free,
you can take as many copies
as you like. This is not a free-
specch it is a hatc-

Newsweek's Jonathan Alter
noted that college editors
couldn't win: “If they published the ad
and sparked protests, they would bol-
ster Horowitz’ point about political cor-
rectness; if they refused the ad, they
would bolster his point about the lack
of free expression.” Every paper has
the right to pass on ads. But seasoned
journalists refused to forgive. David
Halberstam and Anthony Lewis, both
former editors of the Harvard Crimson,
wrote to the staff: “We thought the
Crimson stood for freedom of the press
and courage in exercising that right. In
this case the judgment appears to have
been that the audience was too tender
to deal with what to many would have
been an offensive political argument.”
(Ironically, the paper ran a legible
version of the ad to illustrate a new
story about the controversy.)

The sensitivity seemed to cut both
ways. The Daily Princetonian ran the ad
to no great reaction, but Horowitz re-
fused to pay the $1007 fee because the
paper attacked his views in an editorial
and said it planned to donate the mon-
ey tothe Urban League. He demanded
that the newspaper apologize.

Let's examine how mainstream pa-
pers handled the affair. The New York
Times covered the controversy on
March 21. Its article summarized two
points, but did not quote the ad. The
accompanying photo (supplied by the
Associated Press) coyly hid the actual
ad beneath the front page of The Brown
Daily Herald, as though it were as toxic

as a Hustler crotch shot. Was the Times
being too sensitive? Many of the points
raised by Horowitz appeared in an
August 12, 2000 Times piece by Diane
Cardwell, “Seeking Out a Just Way to

Make Amends for Slavery; The Idea of

Reparations for Blacks Is Gaining in
Urgency, but a Knot of Questions Re-
main, Like: Which Blacks?”

The Chicago Tribune ran the AP pho-
to, but allowed Horowitz to describe
the ad's content and the resulting con-
troversy in an editorial. Columnist Eric
Zorn quoted one of the 10 points—
“What about the debt blacks owe to
America?"—before demolishing it:
“What about the debt I owe the Nazis?
Had Hitler not risen to power in Ger-
many in the Thirties, my grandparents
likely would not have fled to the U.S.

with their son, who in turn would al-
most certainly have not met my mom.
The downside of this for me would
have been severe.” Tribune editorial
board member Clarence Page did the
same for another of Horowitz’ points:
"ТЕ slave labor has created wealth for
Americans, then obviously it has creat-
ed wealth for black Americans as well,
including the descendants of slaves,”
That argument, Page wrote, “casual-
ly ignores a century's worth of lynch-
ings, Jim Crow segregation, community
disinvestment, bank and insurance
redlining, job discrimination and the
pseudoslavery of the sharecropper sys-
tem.” In the U.S., slavery is a thing of
the past, but racism is a
continuing problem. Don
Wycliff, the paper's public
editor and, like Page, no
fan of reparations, took
apart each of the 10 points,
focusing in particular on
the notion that more-re-
cent immigrants shouldn't
have to shoulder the bur-
den for the country's past
mistakes, or that the wel-
fare system somehow ab-
solved the debt.

In its coverage, The Wash-
ington Post quoted four of
the points. The Dallas Morn-
ing News summarized three
points, then directed read-
ers to frontpagemag.com,

= where Horowitz is a colum-
nist, for the complete text. Now you
know why the Internet exists. We find
the double standard appalling.

The Wall Street Journal, Time, News-
week and U.S. News and World Report all
managed to cover the controversy with-
out recycling the ad. In The Detroit
News, noted black conservative Thom-
as Sowell criticized the coverage, say-
ing, “There has been a deafening si-
lence from the national media over the
storm-trooper tactics used on college
campuses against student newspa-
pers.” He defended Horowitz. "Апу-
one who actually reads his reasoned
and factual ad will understand why his
critics did not simply reply to him and
try to prove him wrong.”

Decide for yourself. Horowitz’ ad is
reprinted at right.

Ten Reasons
Why Reparations for Slavery

is a Bad Idea — and Racist Too.
By David Horowitz

1 vu
THERE 15 No SINGLE GROUP RESPONSIBLE Fon Thr CRIME Or SLAVERY. THE REPARATIONS CLAIM Is ONE MORE ATTEMPT TO TURN
s М AFRICAN AMERICANS INTO VICTIMS. Ir SENDS A DAMAGING MESSAGE
Blach Africans and Arabs were responsible for enslaving the ancestors of African-American. There ч 3 ү
vere 3.009 tack sive mer in бе и reparations to be pid by her descr. To THe AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMMUNITY AND To OTHERS.

‘darts 100? There were white slaves in colonial America. Are their decendents going to recive payments?

‘The renewed sense of gricvance—which is what the claim for reparations will inevitably crete —
vend to their communities and to others, To

п
Turns IS No SINGLE GROUP THAT BENEFITED EXCLUSIVELY FROM SLAVERY.
The claim for reparations is premised on the alse ascumprico that only whites have benefited Gom stav-

у. I slave labor has created wealth for Americans, then obviously А has created wealth for black Americans es = mands for special trealment—an «шамам tew
Yell ichling the descendants of slaves. The GNP of black America makes the Africa American community ; N sem o loce the dier of opportunity wi
the 10th most prosperous “nation” и the world American blacks ол average enjoy per espita incomes in the Hue Renal

‘ange of twenty 1o fy tines that of blacks living in any oe Africanrations fram which they were Kidnapped

y
m REPARATIONS To AFRICAN AMERICANS HAVE ALREADY BEEN PAID.

Onty A MINORITY OF WHITE AMERICANS OWNED SLAVES, Since the passage of the Civil Rights Acts and the advent of the Great Society in 1965, trillions of
WHILE OTHERS Gave THEIR Lives To FREE THEM. dollars in transfer payments have been made to African-Americans in the form of welfare benefits and
racial preferences (in contract, job placements and cducaticnal admissions}-—all under the rationale of
redressing historic racial grievances, lt is said that reparations are necessary to achieve a healing between
"Абсал Americans and other Americans. If trilion-dollar restitutions and а wholesale rewriting of
American law (in order to accommodate racial preferences) is not enough to achieve а “healing.” wor

IX
WHAT ABOUT THE DEBT BLACKS Owe To AMERICA?

Slavery existed for thousands of years before the Atlantic slave trade, and in all societies. But inthe
thousand years of slavery’s existence, there never was an: ‘anti-slavery movement until white Anglo-Saxon
Christians created one. И not for he anti-slavery beliefs and military power of white Englishmen and
Americans, the slave trade would not have been brought to an end. I not for the sacrifices of white scl-

У dicrs and a white American president who. gave his life to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, blacks in

E s U America would still be slaves. TÉ not for the dedication of Americans of all ethnicities and colors to a soci-
HISTORICAL PRECEDEN isum Ta :

‘Do Nor Amc AD E Clann es EN RN NO Ciam rede ptem du и све Aktie Wes

standard of living of blacks anywhere in tbe world, and indeed one of the highest standards of living of

The historical precedents generally invoked to. the reparations claim are to Jewish sure Any people in the world. They would not enjoy the greatest freedoms and the most thoroughly protected

vivos of the Toca, pr “Ane Калв = victims oC pall ee individual rights anywhere. Where is the acknowledgment of black America and its leaders for these
Tuskegee, or racial outrages in Rosewood and Oklahoma City. But in cach case, the recipients of reparations sills?

то people who were not immediately affected atd whose sole qualification to receive reparations would be x
тэсш. Daring the slavery та, many blacks were free men or slave-owners themselves, yet the reparations Тн REPARATIONS CLAIM Is A SEPARATIST IDEA
claimants make po aiempi lo take this fact into account. If this is not racism, what is? THAT SETS AFRICAN-AMERICANS AGAINST
EE THE NATION THAT Gave THEM FREEDOM.
" " рй Blacks were here before the Mayflower. Who is more American than the descendants of African
Ca Due A MEE BAD сал анат c staves? For the African-American community lo isolate itself from America is to embark on a course
CONSEQUENCES OF SLAVERY AND DISCRININATION. ‘whose implications are troubling. Yet the African-American community has had a long-running flirtation

with separatists. nationalists and the political def. who want African-Americans to be no pan of
поен зисти has been male о prove ta living individuals have been adversely affected by a America's social contract. ‚African Americans should reject this temptation. _ e

love stem ва ма dd nearly 10 years ape. Bur there йоту of evidence Ба the frito lor def Americas faults, African Americans have an enormous thin hs country and is heritage-
‚ey were hardships that individuals could and did overcome. The black middle-class in ‘America is а prasper- Wis this heritage that is really under attack by the reparations movement. The reparations claim is one
entem aderit а вв ere than the block underclass, Hs existence suggests thal pres- More азаа on Amen, conducted by racial sepais and he poliical ef Ht is an attack rot only on
ent economic adversity is tbe result of flues of individual character rather than бе lingering nfter-cflècis of While Americans. Ни an all Americans especially African Americ: А
Facial dcrminaion or a slave system that easel to exist well over а century ago. West Indian Macks in America's Анка American citizens re he ices and eso leged black people alive, a boun-
‘Ameria ме also descended fom slaves but their average incomes ве cquivale o the average incomes of Y thet а direct result of the heritage that is under asc The American idea needs tbe support of its
whites (and pearly 25% higher than the average incomes of Amercar-bom blacks). How И that avery African-American citizens. Ви African Americans eso need the support of the American idea. For il is
adversely affected one large group of descendants but not the other? How can government be expected to Ue American idea thal lcd to tbe principles and created the institutions
decide an issu thut s so subjective? that have set African Americans—and ай of us— frec.

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ie Movement

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O N T

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

WIDOW MAKER

MOUNT GILEAD, oH10—When 31-year-
old Angela Harter placed a classified ad
describing herself as a “beautiful young
blonde searching for older successful white

male," a 69-year-old carpenter took the
bait. Harter, who ran a website called
Naughty Natasha, dated the man for two
months. She also stole his life savings.
Tivo weeks after she admitted her crime in
court, the man died of a heart attack. The
judge ordered Harter to repay the money.
He also banned her from placing more ads
or having contact with any man over 50.

HOOKER HAVEN

CALCUTTA—Thousands of sex workers
gathered in a city stadium for a four-day
festival of dance, music workshops, carni-
val rides, bazaars, films, debates, health
screenings and protest. The group de-
manded better working conditions, an end
to discrimination and the right to form
unions. One organizer argued that the
women should be recognized for their work
in helping men relieve stress.

EDAD

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY—When Thomas
McCoy and Kyron Henn-Lee divorced,
they agreed to share custody of their daugh-
ter. Four years later, Henn-Lee found a
better job in California and asked a judge
to allow her and her daughter to move. She
said that while her ex-husband wouldn't be

able to visit their daughter as frequently,
he could still see and talk to her online.
McCoy's lawyer rejected the idea (“Not a
week has gone by in her life that he hasn't
seen her”) and a judge turned down the re-
quest. However, an appeals court called
virtual visitation “creative and innova-
tive” and ordered the judge to reconsider.

JUDGMENT DAY

POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA—A state
court ruled that a woman can't sue her
church for damages because the pastor
called her a slut from the altar. “Whether
someone is a slut is a moral judgment,"
said an attorney for the House of God. “It
is not the court's role to rule on that." The
woman denied being a slut.

DOPEY LAWS

LONDON—A study that compared mari-
juana use in the U.S. and the Netherlands
‘concluded that legalizing the drug would
not lead to increased use. Researchers по!-
ed that a far greater percentage of Ameri-
cans age 12 and older (33 percent) had
tried marijuana than their cow rts in
the Netherlands (16 percent), despite the
fact that the Dutch allow the sale and pos-
session of up to 10 to 12 joints. They also
found that only 22 percent of Hollanders
had tried both pot and cocaine, compared
with 33 percent of Americans. They con-
cluded that “the primary harms of mari-
juana use, including those borne by non-
users, come from criminalization."

WASHINGTON, D.C—Án activist group
recently tried to buy advertising space in
Boston and Washington subway stations
and on public buses. One ad featured a
mother who says: “I've got three great kids.
I don't want them to smoke pot. But I know
jail is а lot more dangerous than smoking
pot.” Another showed two cops with the slo-
gan, “Police are too important, too valu-
able, too good to waste on arresting people
for marijuana when real criminals are on
the loose.” Massachusetts governor Paul
Cellucci ordered transit officials to refuse
the ads; D.C. officials accepted them only
after being threatened with a lawsuit.

WORLD WIDE PORN

NEW YORK—Who consumes the most on-
line porn? An Internet market research
firm analyzed traffic patterns in 10 coun-
tries. One of every three web surfers in

Australia and Canada visited a porn site
from home during a month last year, com-
pared with 31 percent in the U.S., 29 per-
cent in Germany, 25 percent in France
and the U.K. and 22 percent in Japan.
"Six of the 10 sites with the highest propor-
tion of male visitors are porn sites,” not-
ed a Media Metrix analyst in Australia,
where the percentage of sex surfers near-
ly doubled between March and December.
“The sites that have the highest proportion
of women tend to have a lot of greeting
cards and free downloads.”

DRUNKEN SITTING

NEW BRIGHTON, MINNESOTA—Two
years ago Bruce Barnes bought a new
$40,000 Ford Excursion, drove to a bar
and then went home. Later that evening,
he walked outside, climbed into the SUV,
started the engine and cranked the stereo.
A neighbor phoned police about the noise,
and officers arrested Barnes for drunken
driving. The prosecutor said Barnes was
charged because he was found in the driv-
er's seat with the engine running, which
put him in control of the vehicle. He plead-
ed guilty and, because it was his third DUI
offense in five years, the city seized the
Excursion. An appeals court upheld the
forfeiture, although one justice found the
situation ridiculous: “Barnes was not con-

victed of drunken driving but of drunken
listening to music in his own car т his
own driveway. If he had not had the mis-
fortune to be playing the Rolling Stones
rather than Neil Diamond, he would still
have his vehicle.”

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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CHRIS MATTHEWS

а candid conversation with the smart-mouth hardballer about how washington
really works, whether to creates news and just what goes on inside bush’s brain

Forget Bill O'Reilly, Geraldo Rivera and
Larry King—Chris Matthews’ Hardball is,
as one paper wrote, a “no-holds-barred cable
talk show that has become must-see TV for
American political junkies.” Hardball has
the energy of the McLaughlin Group т its
prime, the intelligence of Tim Russert on
Meet the Press and little of the self-congratu-
latory partisanship of almost anything on
Fox. Hardball, wrote The Dallas Morning
News, “sometimes makes Crossfire look like
badminton.”

“I want every show we do to deal with the
question, "What kind of country do you want
to live їп?" says Matthews, who describes
himself as the everyman “personification of
the-red-meets-the-blue” on the now ubiqui-
tous postelection map. As such, being on
Hardball is more like debating around the
dinner table: Opinions fly and everyone has
lo speak up to be heard. As paterfamilias,
Matthews is part in-your-face schoolyard
Jock, part leader of the debate team and all
provocateur—the Howard Созей of political
talk. He prods, challenges, dismisses, de-
bunks, rapid-fires questions and often steps
on answers with answers of his own. “Hey,
I'm not on the air to let politicians come on
and just do their talking points,” he once
told a reporter. “Not on my show. I want an-
swers. And Fwant lo get the truth out. That's

“Bush is anti-intellectual and incurious, but
for all the wrong reasons. He hasn't exam-
ined or studied what he’s in apposition to.
Forty-five minutes into an intellectual dis-
cussion, Bush loses any ability to compete.”

what journalism is supposed to be. You don't
just let them make their statement and go
home.”

Says Matthews’ wife of many years, Kath-
leen, а longtime news anchor for the local
ABC affiliate in Washington, D.C., “Chris is
smart. Не doesn't suffer faols or slow talkers
If you don't make your point quickly, or he
realizes you don't have something inte
to say, that’s when he steamrolls over you

At 63" inches, he could. Matthews, 55,
has a big Irish mug, a messy blond thatch of
hair (off camera), a disposition to dress ca-
sually and a voice that, when he really gets
going, sounds like a car alarm. He also has
tons of insider savvy gleaned fram a life-
long fascination with politics and 16 years
on Capital Hill before becoming a full-time
journalist in 1987. No wonder George ИЛИ
called him “half Huck, half Machiavelli.”

Matthews is one of five brothers from the
Somerton area in northeast Philadelphia.
His father, who was raised a Presbyterian,
was a courl reporter. His mother was the
Catholic daughter of a Democratic commit-
teeman. He attended Holy Cross, then the
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
as a doctoral student in economics. When it
looked like he would be drafted, Matthews
joined the Peace Corps and spent two years
teaching business skills in Swaziland in

“This country is arguing within the 40-yard
line. This isn't a battle between socialists and
Jascists. We're all in it together, and it's my
job to arouse debate and let people come out
and say what they feel, occasionally loudly.”

southern Africa.

In 1971 Matthews came home and head-
ed for Washington. His first job was in the
office of Utah senator Frank Moss, where he
wrote speeches and moonlighted as а Capitol
Hill policeman. He next worked at а news
service supported by Ralph Nader. By 1974
Matthews was ready to run for office himself,
from his old neighborhood in Philly. He lost,
but then took a job with Maine senator Ed-
mund Muskie and worked on the Senate
Budget Committee wntil 1977. Matthews
then got a job in the Carter White House,
working first on governmental reorgani:
tion, then as a speechwriter for the president.

When Carter lost in 1980, Matthews went
to work as a senior aide for Speaker of the
House Tip O'Neill, and he stayed until
O'Neill retired in 1987. A short stint as the
head of a think tank followed, and then the
San Francisco Examiner offered him а col
итп. He took it, not in the least part encour-
aged by Jimmy Breslin, who had once told
him, “Become a columnist. You'll stand up
straighter.” Soon he became the paper's
Washington bureau chief and in 1988 pub-
lished Hardball: How Politics Is Played—
Told by One Who Knows the Game. The
book, a best-seller recently reissued in paper-
back, is now part of the curriculum of some
political science courses and required reading

PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN CEDEÑO
- He never wanted

“Clinton is Mick |
to ђе а grown-up. He went through all the
trouble lo win the presidency, but in the end
he didn't want to go through the trouble to be
а great president, to leave a legacy."

PLAYBOY

Jor aspiring Capitol Hill staffers, according
to Brill’s Content. In 1996 Matthews pub-
lished a decade-long project, Kennedy and
Nixon: The Rivalry That Shaped Postwar
America. A third book, Now Let Me Tell You
What I Really Think, is due this fall.

Matthews broke into TV as a commentator
on CBS This Morning and in 1991 moved
to АВСУ Good Morning America. In 1997,
after a talk show on the short-lived America's
Talking cable channel, he launched Hard-
ball on CNBC. Riding the crest of Monica
and impeachment, Matthews made his TV
bones and survived to cover not only the

soaring ratings, everything that
followed; election 2000, the pardons, the en-
ergy crisis, the Bush presidency.

Hardball moved to MSNBC in 1999, af-
ler Matthews signed a five-year deal with
NBC that also makes him a political contrib-
utor to the Today Show and regular substi-
tute host of its weekend edition, Hardball
now airs twice а day on MSNBC and CNBC.

We asked Contributing Editor David Ren-
sin lo go to D.C. and sit down with Matthews
as the new Republican era dawned.

Says Rensin: “Even though I am а regu-
lar viewer of Hardball, only in person (and
occasionally on the phone) can one compre-
hend the tidal wave of words, ideas, experi-
ences and references crashing forth from just
one guy.

“Г arrived at his home in Chevy Chase,
Maryland. We spoke nonstop for two morn-
ings, breaking only for coffee and to chat
with Kathleen, who was on her way to inter-
view Lynne Cheney. We also talked in the car
while we picked up his clothes at the dry
cleaners, had a turkey sandwich and took in
the sights on the way lo his office. The con-
versation continued over dinner, in his office
before the show and, frankly, just about any
time we were alone together—whether the
tape was running or nol. Chris let the con-
versation lapse only once, while he mental-
ly prepped for a speech he was to give that
night. Otherwise, he has a lot to say, if he
doesn't mind saying so himself”

PLAYBOY: Did you talk loud and fast as
akid?

MATTHEWS: Yeah. I had four brothers at
the kitchen table. If you wanted seconds,
you had to grab them. If you wanted to
be heard you had to speak up.

PLAYBOY: Does it bug you that Hardball is
called "Scream TV"?

MATTHEWS: It bugs me. I don't think it's
true. It's more like a conversation at a
great Thanksgiving dinner among peo-
ple who don't see each other very often.
"There's occasional raucous behavior, an-
ger. strong disagreement. And it's fast.
The program's speed is essential to its
success. It must move quickly. We have
to stop all wastes of time, including
the excelsior that continues to come out
of people after they have made their
main point.

PLAYBOY: Most of the criticism centers
оп your personal style.

iad Clinton crises, but, on the strength of

MATTHEWS: It's about talking in cable-ese,
listening in cable-ese: “I get it, now let's
move on.” As we discovered when the
Supreme Court heard the Florida re-
count arguments, they have a wonder-
ful rhythm. They are polite but tough.
Scalia, just like Koppel, has a genius for
spotting the full stop a couple words
ahead, so he's ready to go. Sandra Day
O'Connor, too. I want Hardball, at its
best, to be like a Supreme Court session.
That succinctness and intellectual
power, the back-and-forth and surpris-
ing, brilliant interruptions, would make
a hell of a show.

PLAYBOY: Things just seem to spew out
of you

MATTHEWS: It's called id. You get too
much superego out there, too much of a
stopper, and you start talking like every-
body else. Larry King, of all people—
you'll be surprised by this because he
doesn’t seem that daring—said all his life
he's had the question pop into his head:
“Should I go this far? Should I ask this
question? Should I dare?" And he said
he's always asked it. I still hear that ques-
tion in my head when I use a term that.

I love television. I could do
prime-time talk for 20 years.
I want recognition that I
belong. This is my opportu-
nity, my li;
be on the first team.

e. I want to

may be borderline, like balls-out, or a
Joke or reference I want to make. But I
think you have to keep pushing yourself
to ask. If you say no too many times
you're going to be a hack. If you don't
follow your intuition because it might
cause trouble, then you're in trouble
PLAYBOY: We have a few examples of
what the critics have said.

MATTHEWS: Get ет.

PLAYBOY: Entertainment Weekly wrote, “He
yammers his hammering questions and
cuts off the answers if the guest doesn’t
yell back. Matthews can motor-mouth
complete sentences, which in ТУ terms.
renders him intelligent, and he's learned
to accompany neering jibes at what-
ever passes for liberalism these days with
a big grin on his mug.”

MATTHEWS: I don't know this writer's
politics, but a lot of my critics simply
disagree with my point of view. They at-
tack the surface, but underneath, the
barbs are ideological. They attack man-
ner, but what they're really attacking is
my sensibility.

PLAYBOY: Meaning?

MATTHEWS: These guys have a certain
aesthetic sensibility, a kind of Glass Me-

nagerié liberalism. It's a fragile, dainty
kind of social programming, and if you
don't support that, then you are some-
how not a liberal. 1 would argue that
I support all the freedoms of this socie-
ty. However, I take an iconoclastic view
from the center and 1 criticize the left—
their leaders and their tactics, some-
times—in a way they're not used to. That
bothers them. They don't think 1 share
their fragile protection of the sacred
vessels.

Look, I try to shake up things. It's
frisky and it's sometimes rough elbows,
but it's generally a respectful look at in-
stitutions. I have a tremendous aversi
to those who desecrate those institutions
and those offices—e.g., Bill Clinton. The
critics don't like that, because their blue-
part-of-the-map liberalism is based on a
kind of “we of the Upper West Side” о
“we among the liberal aesthetic commu-
nity” sense that their liberalism is waging
a batile against the Philistines out there
in the red part of the map.

PLAYBOY: Meaning the post-presidential
election map that you love to display on
Hardball, which divides the country into
blue (Gore supporters) and red (Bush).
But aren't they at least in part correct?
‘The cultural division seems so sharp.
MATTHEWS: Let's get serious: This coun-
try is arguing within the 40-yard line
This isn't a battle between the socialists
and the fascists. I refuse to say that liber-
alism is us, here in the more sophisticat-
ed environs, looking out at the great
unwashed and feeling that our job is to
protect against and to be offended by
those coarse people. We're all in it to-
gether, and it's my job to arouse the de-
bate and let people come out and say
what they feel, occasionally loudly. And
by the way, what about James Carville,
the liberals’ large protector? Is he some-
how nol scream TV? Find me a middle-
of-the-roader or a moderate or conser-
vative critic. Any in that category?
PLAYBOY: “Heat-seeking attention-get-
ting,” wrote The Dallas Morning News.
MATTHEWS: Our show is heat-seeking. We
look for what we think people are argu-
ing about. Controversy and conflict are
the syntheses of politics. You argue and
argue and argue, and somebody eventu-
ally wins and the other side says, “You've
gota point there.”

PLAYBOY: Maybe on Hardball, but other-
wise that hardly seems to be the case.
For the past few years what we've most-
ly seen is not real argument but inflexi-
ble pure partisanship. No one concedes
a thing.

MATTHEWS: 1 think our show is better
than that. When you argue you have to
come in with the attitude that the other
side has as much right to their opinion
to their
ly you're right. During the Clinton mess
t getting that from the Tom
DeLays and the Dick Armeys. We got
nothing but demonization from those

istortion

il argu-

guys, and it caused all kinds of
in what should have been a ci
ment over valid points of vie
PLAYBOY: So what do your с
from you? Polite conversation?
values?

MATTHEWS: They want comfort. They
probably want to have themselves read
with authority, and for other people to
leave the punditry or opinion to them.
I don't expect the criticism to stop or
everyone to like me. don't want to
have to think about it. There's a great
line in The Maltese Falcon where Spade
says, “A little trouble I don't mind.” 1
don't mind a little criticism. What 1
don't like is when it’s cloaked as aesthet-
ic ог professional. 1 hope this shows
up in your interview:
1 don't think I'm any
different from any
of the people you've
ever interviewed, in
terms of reacting to
criticism,

PLAYBOY: How are you
taking the Saturday
Night Live send-ups?
MATTHEWS: Love it.
Darrell Hammond's
got me. He's got the
chest out. He's got
the way 1 still don't
know how to go to
break, but he does
it better than I до.
When somebody says
something truly idiot-
ic, he does that pause,
like I'm trying to ab-
sorb the nonsensity of
what's just been said.
If I were Paul Begala
1 wouldn't love it—
they destroyed him.
He's not a bad-look-

ics want
iflerent

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SHH СНА

the
just that. This rema

end,

ing guy, and that =

guy who played him rus

Feen a. | ESCORT
PLAYBOY: Have you ev- | seit, nding o temo 200% =

er considered show- | путейотведъле бирало:

ing up at SNL and
walking on?
MATTHEWS: I'm sure
Га do it if I were invited. The trouble is,
that means it’s usually the end of the
game, because they don't do you again
afterward.

PLAYBOY: The New York Times said, "The
nexus between mega-event and talk
show has grown ever tighter since the
hostage crisis created Nightline. Now it
seems naive to speak of such events as
existing independently of their cover-
age. The shows live from event to event,
circus to circus. Hardball creates Monica,
not the other way around.”

MATTHEWS: I don't believe that. It's news
24 hours a day if there’s news. How
many times can you hear the breaking
stuff? You either want to know more,
or you've got enough and you turn it

bord, ad compete erty о.

off. But when an event hits hard, people
know where to find it immediately.
PLAYBOY: But without all that cable-news
time to fill, and the inherent repeti-
tion, would some of these events seem as
significant?
MATTHEWS: Television does place a spot-
light on events. The Kennedy-Nixon de-
bate was a lot bigger because of tele-
vision than if it had just been on radio.
‘The Vietnam War. The Iranian hostage
crisis would not have been as big a deal
to the American people had they not
seen, night after night, Americans forced
to walk around blindfolded as the
crowds humiliated them.

PLAYBOY: But when do the media cross
the line into playing up the story just to

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keep viewers coming back?

MATTHEWS: Can too much attention be
given to a story? I think it's possible,
but not always predictable. Let's look at

Princess Diana. A lot of people saw that
as the tragic, premature death of a beau-
uful woman, and left it at that. They
thought it was a story that might last a
few days. But what happened was, we
went oyer to the British Embassy, on
Massachusetts Avenue, and saw all those
incredible letters from single and young
women, all addressed to Diana. To a de-
ceased person. 1 felt a sense of discovery
when I started reading those letters.
There was something there that had
nothing to do with press coverage. Al-
though Diana was privileged and beau-

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tiful, many women felt she shared the
same experiences they'd had of being
mistreated by men. They reacted in a
way that was personal, individual and, 1
assume, spontaneous. The media react-
ed to that, We discovered the audience,
and people wanted to know more. That
ended up being a longer story than 1
would have ever thought—a couple of
weeks. We didn't create it; the legs were
the individual sympathies of young wom-
en who identified with her life and her
tragedies

On the other hand, afier the death of
John Е. Kennedy Јг, there was real-
ly nothing to talk about. There was no
conflict, no good guy-bad guy. It was
simply an accident.
PLAYBOY: And yet the
media tried to puff.
it up into the tragic
death of a prince in
America's royal fami-
ly. It was a horrible
thing: he was a spe-
cial man. But the ex-
tent to which the
press tried to push us
into national mourn-
ing was maudlin.
MATTHEWS: And [
don't think it worked.

a friend in Vietnam
and had been there
only 24 hours, and 1
came alll the way back
for that story, being
led to believe—and
believing—that it was
going to be a major
story for us to cover.
Our ratings the week
after that were lower

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cause he was on-site,
out in his boat. There
was a certain drama
to the way he han-
dled it that appealed
to those who were in-
terested. We spent the
weck talking about
the significance of the Kennedy family,
politically, which is what people didn't
They wanted a lot of on-site infor-
n the first couple of days, when
they were trolling the site, and then they
wanted a lot of funeral. They wanted the
tragic evocation, not an intellectualiza-
tion of it, not a historic perspective on
it. Other shows were better at it than
we were.

PLAYBOY: So you're saying:
MATTHEWS: Let me answer your question.
If Chappaquidick had occurred recently,
it would have been a natural, with legs
because there was a mystery.
tly happened? There was
conflict—the denial, which continues—
and there were sources to be dug up and

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worked on. And there was a tragedy—
a person died. When Elvis died, I think
we would have had something similar to
Princess Diana. Take Dale Earnhardt:
The major media, located in the blue
part of the map, were shocked by the red
part of the map's response. It was a huge
story in the hinterlands.

PLAYBOY: Do you love television or just
doing television?

MATTHEWS: I love what I do. I love televi-
sion. If I could do prime-time talk for 20
more years, I'd love it. The big-picture
stuff that Bill Moyers does also appeals
to me. I don't think I'm meant for Sun-
day shows or anchoring, obviously. That
might mean more money, but it’s not
me. Here's what I'm good at: I can think
spontaneously, 1 have a tremendous cap-
ital of memory and familiarity with the
М.О. of politics. I can draw on that im-
mediately. Washingtonian magazine just
did а list of the top 50 journalists т D.
I'm like 36th, and Tim Russert is nut
ber one. I would argue for a higher posi-
tion for myself, but after all the niceness,
I just want recognition that I belong
here. I'm 55. I want to feel that I'm part
of the first team. You can be on the sec-
ond team at 25 or 36. But at some point
you say, No, this is my opportunity, my
life. 1 want to be on the first team
PLAYBOY: So you wouldn't do a Sunday
show, like Russert?

MATTHEWS: Tim's the best at what Tim
does. He's very muscular, aggressive. He
does his homework better than anyone.
He can study an issue, have the toughest
ns and move that story the next
m also has a guy quality, an Imus
quality. He re-created Sunday tele
sion—it was duller than anything. Now
people really want to watch, just like
they watched David Brinkley years ago
after Roone Arledge brought him back
and made hima star.

PLAYBOY: Why do you still write your
column?

MATTHEWS: Because it's great mental dis-
cipline. When you write and then do
ТУ, you come on having thought things
through. You have a premise.

PLAYBOY: In New York magazine Michael
Wolff said Russert was part of a trend,
along with George Stephanopoulos, Jeff
Greenfield, Dee Dee Myers and you,
in which journalists are first political
су and therefore aren't really

“MATTHEWS: Tim went into journalism 17

years ago. His experience per se is as
much as most of the guys who are
icizing him. Tell me it isn't to the ad-
vantage of a war correspondent to have
been in a war.

PLAYBOY: What about Stephanopoulos?
MATTHEWS: I don't know how you could
go from being a guy's loyal insider, to
whom he's whispering his worst fears
every day, to then negatively criticizing
him in public. And yet, I think it must
have been hard for George, in his soul,

to step back every time he commented
on Sunday and not let his sense of loyal-
ty calibrate his criticism. In the end it's
not really a critique, but just enough of
one to show independence. It's а shad-
ow. When you leave those big jobs, don't
go for the trough immediately. George
should have waited until Clinton left the
field. [Laughs] Of course, there's a para-
dox: Clinton's probably never going to
leave the field.

I was lucky that Tip retired and Carter
was out of the White House before I
made my move into journalism, and that
was only after I'd run something called
the Government Research Corporation
in 1987. That wasn't leading anywherc.
PLAYBOY: After leaving the White House,
you wrote speeches for Jimmy Carter
and announced you wanted to be a pun-
dit. Why?

MATTHEWS: I think George Will was my
paradigm. He had worked on the Hill,
started a column around 1974 and then
did TV. I liked that combination. Guys
like Safire are my heroes. But basically, it
started back with Joe McGinniss, who
wrote three columns a week for The
Philadelphia Inquirer. He was the guy who
had something in the paper that morn-
ing and people talked about it on a radio
show that morning. 1 just never thought
it would happen to me until the San
Francisco Examiner called out of the blue
and offered me a column. Pretty soon it
was 150 pieces a year, syndication, televi-
sion, this.
PLAYBOY: What made you think you
could succeed in D.C.?
MATTHEWS: I think I knew more. I was
ready for this. From the first day I got to
Washington, when I was a Capitol cop—
1 was a policeman at night and wrote
speeches during the day—I had the con-
fidence to sit down and write for a sena-
tor. 1 wanted to be a speechwriter for a
president, like Ted Sorensen, who wrote
for Kennedy. I just believed that what I
wrote would be good, valuable and bet-
ter than anybody else's. And now Гуе
done a lot of the things Гуе wanted to do
all my life. You could say, “Matthews,
you planned.” No. I had the dream but
no idea how it was going to happen
and it could easily have not happened.
Life is a series of sometimes very impor-
pt moves. Anybody who thinks
was some sort of strategy imple-
mented point by point as some brilliant
hardball play is maybe just jealous of
my luck.
PLAYBOY: Some say it’s not only luck. For
instance, it's been suggested that you re-
lentlessly worked the Lewinsky issue to
get bigger ratings. Did you?
MATTHEWS: That's a good question, but
there is a little nuance here. Let me give
you the contours of the 1998 ratings.
First quarter, when it broke, we were al
ready rising in the numbers. We were at
like .5 and .6. That sent it to .8. After the
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10 -7 for the summer. Then the fall quar-
ter went up to 1.0. What made the show
really big the first time was the impeach-
ment, not Monica

PLAYBOY: Is that how you imagined your
breakthrough?

MATTHEWS: [ can't script и. It happened.
It could happen again. People have told
us the programs we did on the Florida
recount were the best we've ever done,
and 1 agree. It took a lot of inforr
to understand the story. It was our finest
hour at MSNBC, bar none. We had a
first-rate team in place. Anytime I tuned
in I could catch up immediately. And
America got a rare look at real politics.
People think debate on television is poli-
tics, or rallies or commercials, or little
quotes for the evening news. No. Politics
is in the back room, where you're fight-
ing it over numbers and you're con-
niving to get a little edge over the oth-
er guys.

PLAYBOY: How would you have handled
the Florida vote recount situation?
MATTHEWS: A wonderful way would have
been, back in late November, to say up
front, “We'll do a complete recount, but
shake hands on this for now: Unless
there's a hole in the ballot, it doesn't
count. Let's do it right now.” I'm not
sure the Gore people would have gone
along with any deal. But it would have
been big casino, and it would have been
over sooner.

PLAYBOY: And the outcome?

MATTHEWS: It would have been so damn
close, almost dead even.

PLAYBOY: Why?

MATTHEWS: Florida is hard to read be-
cause it doesn't have the usual black-
white-suburban-rural-inner-city break-
down. It's more like Yugoslavia: There
are so many different groups. On the
West Coast it's all WASPs, snowbirds
from the Midwest. It's practically Iowa.
On the East Coast it's New York: Jews,
gays, Cubans, Dominicans, Haitians and
African Americans. In Miami there is a
wild, ethnic, not especially English-liter-
ate immigrant group—and they're Re-
publicans, which explains why the Mi-
ami undervote was so even, Anywhere
else in the country, those people would
be Democrats.

PLAYBOY: Where were you when the Su-
preme Court stayed the recount?
MATTHEWS: That Saturday morning was
a beautiful day. I was sitting on a park
bench on Sixth or Seventh and Pennsyl-
vania, in front of Starbucks. 1 had my
coffee, І was reading the Post. It was per-
fect, No pressure. The Post reported that
the Florida Supreme Court had ruled
for Gore; it looked like Gore was going
to be president. My thought was that
the country could live with it, feel good
about it, that the result would be good
for everybody but Bush. Then at two in
the afternoon we got the call that the
U.S. Supreme Court had puta stay on it.
We had to go back to work.

PLAYBOY: And now is it the converse:
good for everybody but Gore?
MATTHEWS: No. Bad for a larger segment.
Bad for the confidence we've had in a
close-to-pure democracy. We now have
a sense that it depends on who's count
ing, on what kind of machinery is used.
That's not as strong a base for society
But I think the PR battle is being won by
the liberals, because people are saying
the Supreme Court intervened and that
it was a decision, not an election. That's
very bad for the Republicans.

PLAYBOY: Why didn't Gore give it one
last try?

MATTHEWS: | think Gore was shocked by
the fact that the Court went against him
We were all shocked. I'm sure he had
people around him who were ready to
go once more into the breach, and to
an extent I admire them. 1 respect that
zeal. You get enough critics. You want
guys around you who say, “You're right,
damn it.” But in the Bible, when Solo-
mon proposed cutting the baby in half,
the true mother was willing to give it up
rather than see it dead. Great stuff, who-
ever wrote it; it's as good now as it was
then. The true test of love and worth 15
the willingness to sacrifice. In the end,
Gore's concession speech was more elo
quent than anything he'd ever done. Не
said, “The system isn't perfect. But I've
relicd on and lived by this system on the
way up, and I'm going to die by the sys.
tem now.” It was a wonderfully fatalistic
view of a citizen recognizing the system's
limits. It didn't have any anger or de-
fiance in it. It didn't have any of the
“We're getting screwed, you guys are
bastards” mentality, which I think is the
trouble with the whole thing. There may
be a time in life when that works, but at
this time in our history, we don't want
that strife. He gave us a sense of gran-
deur in a campaign that had none.
PLAYBOY: So, Al Gore gave up the baby,
and.
MATTHEWS: We'll see. Gore could win the
next one, and then there will be a rubber
match in 2008. That would be great shit
[laughs].

PLAYBOY: Any advice for Gore, if he runs?
MATTHEWS: Based on that concession
speech, no matter what's right or wrong
politically, go back to your feelings. If it
felt good, do it again. Get away from all
the gimmicks that come from your peo-
ple. If you loved kissing Tipper in front
of 100 million people, do it again. If not,
don't. One thing I can predict right now:
The next election is going to be incred-
ibly close. If the Democrats are smart,
next time they'll run a guy or woman
who's acceptable to some of that red part
of the map. All they've got to do is pick
up two or three states. It must be very
appealing to them to think they can hold
what they've got and grab a couple of
states. All this is good for the country,
because we get a choice. But I don't

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think it's going to be a battle of heavy-
weights. I think it's going to be a battle
of middleweights again. Both guys are
so extremely limited as candidates and
leaders.

PLAYBOY: Why?

MATTHEWS: Gore had his ambition as-
cribed to him. He was told to follow his
father's footsteps and to seek the victory
that eluded his father, То be almost per-
sonally irrelevant is a horrible thing.
PLAYBOY: Didn't Kennedy live out his
father's ambition for his older broth-
er, Joe?

MATTHEWS: Jack was always the skipper.
There are some great photographs of
him and Jackie at a black-tie dinner, and
Jackie's trying to woo him, trying to get
him to laugh, trying to get his interest.
And he's sitting there like Michael Cor-
leone, with that cigar, like “I am God.
I'll give you a couple seconds, if you're
lucky. It doesn't matter that you're beau-
tiful and well bred and fun. I have a
world to choose from here.” The godly
power of that guy.

Gore is the dauphin. He's stiff and

awkward and cold in person. He can put
the T-shirt on and be friendly, but as
many times as I've been with him in that
situation, I still think it’s just another
form of work. But Al has a great sense of
humor and he's not a phony. In another
world he'd be just another rich-kid jock.
PLAYBOY: What is Bush?
MATTHEWS: Anti-intellectual and incuri-
ous, but for the wrong reasons. He
hasn't examined or studied what he's in
opposition to. He hasn't read enough
philosophy, enough history, to have a
real strong opinion. Forty-five minutes
into an intellectual discussion, George
Bush loses any ability to compete. He
just folds. He just doesn't have the inter-
est or the firepower. I think he's a guy
who went to college and somehow, sys-
tematically, avoided bull sessions. I think
he resented the elitism he found around
him, and the fact that those people
didn't like him. But if he were the great
anti-intellectual, why didn't he come out
and challenge the intellectuals, fight
with them? He doesn't have the stick-to-
itiveness for that kind of argument, and
that's what comes through.

He's got another problem: He still
can't talk to the Northern or Midwestern
suburban voters. As long as he can’t talk
to them, he's going to have one hell of a
time running the U.S. as a Bible Belt
country. This country is not Bible Belt.
I just spoke to my classmates from high
school, all Catholics. Most of them, no
matter what they say, are pro-choice. But
pro-choice is a subset of their cultural
values. They are secular. They are cos-
mopolitan. And those people do not
want to see some Jesus-on-the-radio
kind of guy calling the shots. In a way
they're like Jewish voters: opposed to
theocracy. They don't want Billy James

82 Hargis running the country. To them it's

“down there.” Bob Dole was a secular
political leader. Gerry Ford was secular.
Ronald Reagan was, no matter what he
pretended to be. Bush is not secular, and
that scares people. They think he has
cut a concordat with those people down
there. What university was Ronald Rea-
gan most identified with? Notre Dame.
"The Gipper.” Bush? Bob Jones. That's
all you need to know. That 15 his funda-
mental problem.

PLAYBOY: And we're back to the red ver-
sus the blue.

MATTHEWS: 1 love showing the red-and-
blue election map because it explains so
much. [Pauses] 1 am the personification
of both. Mentally I clearly am blue, but
my gutis viscerally red. 1 can under-
stand the resentment toward elitism of
any kind, and domination by the media.
I understand that skepticism and share
it to some extent—but not the anger. I
also understand that human rights in a
polyglot society have to be respected in-
stinctively. The minute you start setting
up a theocracy, you're setting up some-
thing anti-American. It may seem all
right for a day or two, because in your
Еше community everybody agrees. But
if you step back from it, you say, "Wait a
minute.”

PLAYBOY: So no Bush dynasty?
MATTHEWS: I think he could easily be a
one-termer. In fact, it would be smart of
him to say that he is a one-termer. Just
turn the tables on the establishment and
say, “Look, I'm going to get some things
done and I’m going to live with the facts.
There's no way I'm going to get reclect-
ed, because the North's going to screw
me and Florida's all messed up, but I'm
going to try to get some things done.”
Everybody has a dream of being a sena-
tor for one term, just one year of being
Jimmy Stewart, going out on the floor
and saying, “I don’t care what anybody
thinks, but. . ..” Then they all get sucked
into wanting to get reelected.

PLAYBOY: Even Martin Sheen on The West
Wing wants to get reelected.

MATTHEWS: I love that show. The writing
and the public response to the show
proves to me that there is reverence for
the office, not just the cause and the guy.
There's also that wonderful scene in
Dave where Kevin Kline walks down the
hall near the end and everybody ap-
plauds. You get goose bumps. You gotta
have a hero, and we always want that to
be our president. It's so noble.

PLAYBOY: Where does your passion for
this life come from?

MATTHEWS: The early-stuff passion is
driven by a sense of right and wrong,
and stark choices. Catholic school, the
godless Communists, Stalin being а de-
mon. Grew up in a Republican family
that was very pro-Ike—a lot of Catholics
were. That made for conflict in the 1960
election. I was pro-Kennedy, dreaming
of a Kennedy dynasty followed by John-
son, then Bobby, then Teddy. Then I

watched the Republican convention and
1 was completely smitten by Nixon. 1
said, This is the guy, he's the real guy.
I cried on election night when he lost.
But when Kennedy was killed 1 felt
miserable, almost guilty. I got into the
Goldwater thing like a lot of people—
including the young Mrs. Clinton—but
realized he didn't have all the answers
on Social Security, on civil rights, on a lot
of questions. By the time he ran, 1 felt
he was sort of old hat. Gene McCarthy
seemed like a thoughtful, liberal, smart,
antiwar guy—and the war became every-
thing. Then I was for Bobby because he
was the only chance of beating Hum-
phrey and ending the war. Then Bobby
was killed and it was horrible. Then
Gene McCarthy never delivered. And
so on.

PLAYBOY: How much did you love writing
speeches for Jimmy Carter, and being in
the White House?

MATTHEWS: Of all my jobs, it was the most
sublime experience. You're basically
writing from what you came in with, and
you have only so much “capital” when
you come in. It’s all about how many
words, references, metaphors and poet-
ry come to mind. You're always sitting i
that room, trying to come up
or something. We were all single—I got
married in 1980—and we'd work until
two in the morning, then stick around
and clean it up. Sometimes we'd take it
over to the White House at four o'clock,
five o'clock in the morning. We'd write à
first draft—a B draft—then circulate it to
Jody Powell, Zbigniew Brzezinski.
PLAYBOY: Did you ever have to persuade
the president to see it your way?
MATTHEWS: No. Carter was, most of the
time, a remote presence. We'd drop а
speech off and he'd read it, and you'd
get it back with his remarks. There was
no back-and-forth. You didn't fight for
your jokes. Once he went through with a
pencil, which he did prodigiously, with
big Xs, that was it. I saved the marked

MATTHEWS: Yes, we could go into this for
hours [laughs]. He is Mick Jagger. He is
Elvis without the pounds. Joe Ezsterhas
s right about Clinton. He never want-
ed to be a grown-up, He didn't want to
be a sacred emblem. He went through
all the trouble to win the presidency, but
in the end he didn’t want to go through
the trouble to be a great president, to
leave a legacy. Why win the prize and
quit there? I think people who want to
be great, who are great, try to be great
What I never found in Clinton was true,
gut, almost religious belief in something.
PLAYBOY: You'd think from that picture
of him shaking Kennedy's hand that he
understood.
MATTHEWS: Гус thought about that ту:
self. Why did he know the emblematic

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PLAYBOY

importance of the White House and the
presidency, and yet never recognize it
when he had the opportunity? He want-
ed the victory. He wanted to own it, like
e, like а trophy. The problem with
guy is—I could give you a hundred.
The one I always start with is: Why did
guys root for Kennedy and not for Clin-
ton? Both guys have a reputation for be-
ing a ladies’ man, a playboy. The answer:
Kennedy was a leader of men, not a guy
who could just seduce women or get
them to giggle. It was not only about be-
ing charming and great-looking and us-
ing the right cologne. Men looked up to
him. “What are the orders, Skipper?”
Nobody asked Clinton what to do.
Kennedy shared. You could
in his being. When he won, every
ethnic group won. Bill Clinton says, “1
won, you lost." Men don't like Clinton
because he's not a stand-up guy. He's not
а grown-up. Most men are basically loyal
to their wives. Guys don't like guys who
screw around.
PLAYBOY: Was Clinton seduced by his
ability to seduce?
MATTHEWS: [Sighs] 1 know that at the
heart of the Monica thing, for most peo-
ple, is a moral question about behavior. I
think it’s different. No one really cared
about Gennifer Flowers. She didn't cost
him any votes. И was off campus. Two
adults. But there's something about an
intern in the White House, a master-
slave relationship; when you read it all, it
has that aspect to it. I know it sounds
pretty Catholic, but the word desecra-
tion comes to mind. He could have had
an affair with any one of the well-known
movie stars—everybody assumed he did;
nobody cared. We weren't prudish about
и. E n't seem to bother ary
much, why should we care? But some-
thing about Monica struck us. And then
there was the perjury. If [C
ster] Dick Morris had said, "Mr. Presi-
dent, don't believe these stu]
cause they don't mean anyth
go out there and tell the Ame
ple you made a mistake and you were
caught off guard by that question, and
now you want to correct the record,” he
could have walked away from this! It was
the willful decision to lie to our faces,
when we knew he was lying, and imply we
were below him in some way. He was
asking us for a level of subjugation we
aren't used to in this country. Give us
some credit for being mature, for being
secular, for being nonjudgmental. Don't
treat us like we're a bunch of rubes who
have to be treated with lies.

I never said he should be removed
from office. I never said he should be i im-
peached. My interest wasn't in the ses
was in the president lying to the Amer
can people, and doing it with the sup-
port of his entire presidency and cab-
inet. And the Democratic Party. Half
the country had been recruited into the

84 Army of Liars because at any dinner ta-

ble, at any bar in the country, some of
the Democratic loyalists were hooked in-
to lying for him. Obviously they weren't
ng on purpose, but they'd been used
to sell the ће.

And all this because he took the advice
of a guy like Dick Morris to poll a ques-
поп of human frailty, of human love, of
the human heart
PLAYBOY: And what of Monica's part in
all this?

MATTHEWS: Well, they were pushing that
stalker theory. There was a willingness to
hang this woman out and to make her—
this kid—pay for what was at least half
his responsibility, and probably more,
because he was the grown-up. Monica
needed someone to tell her she was do-
ing the wrong thing. She didn't have а
dad to tell her. She didn't have a mother;
in fact, her mother was pushing her. Her
friend Linda Tri No, she's got the
tape running. So who? The president. He
should have said, “You're a cute young
girl. You're very attractive. 1 don't mind
saying you're very sexy. But I'm presi-
dent of the Fing United States, and Гт
not having anything to do with you. You
can come by and eat pizza with me, and
that’
PLAYBOY: Hillary and Bill: divorce?
MATTHEWS: No opinion. | have no prob-
lem with divorce, but all marriages
are tricky, and any marriage that lasts is
interesting and should be respected on
that basis. I'm not talking about poli
tics. In that way I think their relatior
ship might diverge а bit. Let's face it:
She wins both ways, as a victim and as a
partnei

David Gergen had an interesting anal-
ysis of the Clintons. There's always one
up and one down, and when one is
down, the other one takes advantage of
it. Clinton turned over health care to his
wife, as а payoff: "Here, you do this. I'm
embarrassed by Paula Jones right now.”
She had the upper hand, and he yielded
to her, like, "All right, you can have the
car tonight.” She took over what should
have been the central push of the ad-
ration and turned it into boutique
politics, like, “I'll do it over here with the
propellerheads.”

PLAYBOY: Do you admire anything about
Clinton?

MATTHEWS: He's the greatest politician
we've ever seen. Remember the first Star
Trek movie, where 0 credible, daunt-
ing entity called V—GER arrives and
they have to deal with it? It was a probe
sent out years before, programmed to
explore and defend itself. That's Bill
Clinton. Somewhere in our political
tory, we as a society designed, through
our voting patterns, the unstoppable po-
and Bill Clinton is that
ent into space and has
come back. He's a very skilled, state-of-
the-art, unstoppable political machine.
He's learned every trick of politics, every
offense and defense of survival. He has

learned what to do when caught. He has
learned how to exploit an opportuni
He has learned how to grafi himself on-
to every bit of good news and separate
himself from every bit of bad news. He's
learned how to be avuncular in times of
tragedy. He's learned how to dodge
bullets and make bullets that hit other
people somehow benefit him. His iden-
tification with Oklahoma City after the
ng was a great political move. 1
said, “This guy gets it.” He could exploit
even horror effectively,

But the question is, how did he use his
instrument? He increased his political
capital, so he would leave office with a
high popularity level. He never used it
to fix Social Security or Medicare or any
of the real tough things. His proposal on
the dle East, which was extremely
courageous, wasn't offered until January
3, when it was hopeless. He could have
pushed two or three years earlier and re-
ally stuck his neck out. Instead, he used
his capital for the Marc Rich pardon.
Why would you use your capital for
dreck like that? The pardon of Rich was
not acceptable, but maybe it was a good
educational thing. In the end we under-
stand our system better. Clinton’s par-
dons helped us stop being so naive. We
used to think that only in Mexico could
you be bought at the top. No. On the
show I said, “Do you feel like you're in
Manila now, where if you can reach a
brother-in-law or a brother, you get it?”
Do Americans like that feeling of being
in a country where it’s a little rotten at
the top? It's a delusion to think we don't.
have that problem in this country.
PLAYBOY: You're a political junkie. Most
junkies have days when they desperately
want to kick the habit.

MATTHEWS: ГА be afraid of the day when
I did. 1 look at it like this: Dick
terviewed John Huston one
id, “What do you most want?”
was dying of emphysema, and at his age
it obviously wasn't poontang. He said, “I
want interest.” And that is it. 1 want to Бе
interested in something. My interest is
politics. It's formulated by years of being
a student of it and taking sides.
PLAYBOY: When do you personally play
hardball?
MATTHEW:
keep my riv
and be friendly with them. I've had peo-
ple write tough pieces about те. 1 call
the editors and say I just want to dispute
these few points, and Г end up having а
nice conversation. I think you should
clear the air quickly and not let those
things become stupid grudges that go
on for 20 years because some guy said
something once—which is common in
this city.
PLAYBOY: What's your new book about?
MATTHEWS: People ask where I’m coming
from: Are you a Democrat or a Верш
can? I'm a hybrid, and I want to explain
(continued on page 169)

PLAYBOY. THE MOST PO

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housands of gonzo videos are re-
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») / Сиви Stop Tales, both
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took the bootie and ran with it in the
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and narration that reflected
tonishment at how horny wom
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viting libertine friends on
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“Fresh figs are now being served in the bedroom.”

05 Angeles police officer Ginger
Harrison has a predisposition for
taking a bite out of crime. Her fa-
ther and grandfather are retired FBI
agents, and her uncle isa policeman.
“I guess that’s how I kept on the
straight and narrow,” she says. This
28-year-old Michigan native, a self-
proclaimed tomboy, moved to Cali-
fornia when she was 19 and intend-
ed to follow in her father’s footsteps
by joining the FBI. A hiring freeze
brought her to the LAPD, and the
six-year veteran now patrols the
Foothill Division of the San Fernan-
do Valley. “There have been times
when I've rolled up to а shooting in
progress,” she explains. “I’ve been
in situations with people fighting all
around me, and all of a sudden shots
are being fired. You don’t know
where they’re coming from, so all
you can do is duck and wait until
they stop so you can get your bear-
ings. I've chased guys over walls,
tackled them and taken them into
custody, but I’ve been lucky not to
have had to shoot anybody yet.”

In a macho profession like law en-
forcement, Ginger has had to over-
come a lot of sexist stereotypes both
on the force and on the street. “We
women definitely have to prove our-
selves,” she says. “Just the other day
some lady who found out I was a cop
said, ‘Oh my God! You look more
like you should be on Baywatch.’ As
long as you can show that you’re
one of the boys—that you can hang
in there and fight with them when
you need to—you’re in. Still, we get

Ginger loves to watch Cops and has
арреагей on а few episodes of LAPD:
Life on the Beat. “You would think be-
cause I see this stuff every day that I
wouldn't care to watch it on TV. But I
get into Cops as much as the next
person,” she says. “I think I've seen
everything, but people never cease to
amaze me. You also get to see how
other police departments work and
you can sit there and say, ‘Oh, we
would never do that!’”

PHOTOGRAPHY BY
ALISON REYNOLDS

ARRESTING ZA
OFFICER = ZA à

А.

the lapd’s most beautiful patrolwoman | ~
takes us downtown

picked for certain jobs more than othe
crimes, or anything that involves a child, or any
thing against a woman. But this is what I love—1
couldn't imagine doing anything else.” Ginger says
the LAPD is about 30 percent women, and she cur
rently patrols her beat with a female partner

When she's not on duty, this crime kicker likes
kicking it at home with her husband, Michael, and
her 20-month-old daughter, Bailey. "When I come
home, Bailey's arms go around me and they don't
leave me until she goes to bed,” Ginger relates.
Would she encourage someone, perhaps her daugh
ter, to pursue this line of work? “People think this
job is all about helping people, but a lot of times it's
not,” she says. “What you deal with every day can
change you as a person. You become cynical and
cold to certain things because you have to. You
can't take everything personally because you'd nev-
er make it.” At the end of a day, Ginger acknowl
edges that it is all for the better а group, di
vision of officers, I di k we're having an
impact,” she says. “There are the few people you
know you've gotten through to, or you see the per-
son who committed а terrible crime get arrested
and go to [hen there are the thankful victim
and the children you help take out of horrible
home situations. In those times, you feel like you're
really making a difference.”

See arresting video of Ginger in the Playboy Cyber
Club. Join at cyber playboy.com.

Play
Can Be So
Deadly

david thought he was
human; teddy didn’t know
he wasn't

. fiction

By Brian W. Aldiss

| n Mrs. Henry Swinton's garden

it was not always summer. She

had ventured into the crowded

city with David and Teddy and
bought a new VRO, “Eurowin-
ter.” Now the almond trees were bar-
ren of leaves and the branches were
loaded with snow that would never
melt as long as the disc played. So, on
the fake walls and windows of the Swin-
ton simulation house the snow would
remain lodged forever on the window-
sills, The icicles hanging from the gut-
ters would never melt while the disc
played. The frosty blue sky would re-
main forever the same, as long as the
disc kept playing

On the frozen ornamental pond, Da-
vid and Teddy had devised a simple
game. They slid from opposite sides of
the pond, narrowly missing each oth-
er as they passed, This always caused
them to laugh

“Г nearly hit you that time, Teddy!"
David cried

Mrs. Swinton watched from the win-
dow of her living room. Bored by their
repetitive actions, she switched the
window off and turned away. The serv-
ing man hobbled from his alcove and
inquired gravely if there was anything
he could get her.

“No thank you, Jules.”

"I'm sorry to see you appear to be
still grieving, ma'am."

"It's quite all right, Jules. I will get
over it.”

e to ask

aps you would lik
your friend Dora-Belle over?
“That is not (continued on page 166)

ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL

loys

What
Fun To Be
Reborn

дама’; obsession with being
== human would be neurotic—if
he were human

fiction

By Brian W. Aldiss

hrowaway Town sprawled

near the heart of the city

David made his way there,

led by a large Fixer-Mixer.

The Fixer-Mixer had many
hands and arms of various dimensions
snugged down on his rusty carapace.
Walking on extensible spider legs, he
towered above David.

As they went along, David asked,
“Why are you so big?”

“The world's big, David. So 1 am
big.”

After a silence, the boy said, “The
world has been big since my mommy
died.”
“Machines don’t have mommies.”

"] am not a machine.”

Throwaway was down a steep slope,
and partly hidden by a high wall of
breeze-blocks. The road into this junk
town was wide and easy. Everything in-
side was irregular. Strange shapes were
the order of the day and many moved,
or could move, or might move. Their
colors were many, too, some sporting
huge letters or numerals. Rusty brown
wasa favorite color. They specialized in
scratches, huge dents, shattered glass,
broken panels. They stood in puddles
and leaked rust.

‘This was the land of the obsolete. To
Throwaway came or were dumped all
the old models of automatics, robots,
androids and other machines that had
ceased to be useful to busy mankind.
Here was everything that had once
worked in some way, from toasters and
electric carving knives to derricks and
computers that could count only up to
infinity-minus-one. The poor Fixer-
Mixer had lost (continued on page 178)

100

aq-—— WV VERS VII VID El

all ) I

hee Matt Damen wants te
know what hnddy Bee Affleck
is doing for dinner, he dneswt |
pick up the phene. lestead, Damee, like a
lat of other celebrities, uses the latest
must-have accessary—the two-way
pager. These kandheld devices allew
users to get e-mail, compnse a reply nn
a беу keyboard aed send it eut wireless.
It's n sileet altereative to the Зы
vell phenes ef Mullywne
way to cemmuuicate in el vk а neisy
club er a quiet meeting reem. Forget the nge-eld exchange of husieess
eent to oach other and push n huttoe: “Boaming”
trades yeer centact informatien
Although a handfol ef stars

ited themselves tn two-way
pagers, they do disagree en eee impi spect—equipment. Motoro-
la's hright-celered Talkakeut ТЭВВ (5188, plus а menthly service charge)
and the Timepert 935 (5480, plus а menthly service charge) attract yeun-
ger celehrities such аз MTV VJs Carsen Daly and Aunnda Lewis, young

ii ip-hep hoavies Eve and

п is RIM's M 15500, plus a monthly service
larger than the clamshell-shaped Talkaheut aed has a
bigger screen for displaying a calendar, task list aed calcelntor. К cae al-
50 sync with a PC like a PDA. The BlachBerry draws its nudience from a
huttoned-dewu crew that inclndes Bill Gates and Al Gere.

Convinced of the risieg pepnlarity nf two-way pagers, Def Jam Rec-
aris ce-foender Russell Simmens (а lengtime devotee of the Metorola
1900) recently partnered with VTech Cneeect and Shared Technelngies
Cellntar to lauuch his nwm liue of telecommenicatiens products. Under
the name Rush Communications, Simmons introduced the Rush Commu-
nicator two-way pager to hip-hep crewds in June.

Next treed: twe-way pager-cell phone cemhos from Samsung, Mo-
torata and Kyocera, launching later this year.

Sr
Ле E

“Of course you realize that you’re blowing my chances of
creating a masterpiece.”

101

couple of million girls
can definitely be wrong—
you just won't be getting
any action if you argue
~ with them. So don't be ап
idiot about the boy-band
thing. Love them or hate them, but
take note of how they make women
dewy. We've enlisted the help of Joe
Mcintyre, né Joey, formerly of New
Kids on the Block, to illustrate the
lesson to be learned here. After his
band paved the way, he stood by and
watched 'N Sync break all sorts of
records for stale toast. Happily for
him, this survivor of boy-band island
came through with his charm and his
sense of style intact. So, just as you
took a cue from his low-slung jeans
back in the day (hey, do whatever
the girls want, bro), pay attention to
these pages. The guy is poised to be
MTV's TRL trouper—there's as big a
push behind his new CD, Meet Joe
Mac, as there was when Ricky Martin
made his move. Joining him in our
campy tribute to teen idols is Angeli-
ca Bridges, the carbonated fox from
Baywatch. The road to the top may
be wild, but it never gets ugly.

Rock-and-roll fantasy. You may strike
this pose only in your shower. The
clothes, on the other hand, are perfect-
ly street legal. The oceanographic shirt
is by Roberto Cavalli at Jeffrey New
York. The leather pants, also by Rober-
to Cavalli, cre fit for your lizard king.
The backup singers shimmy in outfits
by Gianfranco Ferre.

“4

.
La

Fashion By Joseph De Acetis
The crossroads.What's an old New Kid on the Block to do? Spend his last dollar on clothes,
check out the wapt ads and wander the Deuce, contemplating his future. Joe's attired for
his low moment їп а coat by Hugo Boss, pants by Reunion and a shirt by DKNY.
1
1
y

Photography By Andre Rau

and delivers in a T-shirt by
belt and buck-

Girbaud.
Jaffe wears © shirt and tie byR

Stepping out of a Mercedes sedan with Angelica, Joe wears a Giorgio Armani tie, а Marithé & Francois Girbaud
shirt and a Hugo Boss suit. Shoes by Johnston & Murphy, belt by Calvin Klein. Her dress and shoes by Richard
Tyler, her jewelry is Diamonte by Patricia Field. It's a Betsey Johnson boa. The bodyguard is in a Liz Claiborne
suit, а Raffi shirt and Ray-Bans. The paparazzi wear Andrew Marc jackets, Perry Ellis pants and Skechers shoes.

McIntyre's feeling the Moët & Chandon in a Roberto Cavalli shirt ond DKNY sult. Shades by Cision Dior. His
shoes are by Sergio Rossi at Bergdorf Goodman. Her hat by Francis Hendy; boots, hotpants, blazer
ell by Richard Tyler. That's а Diamonte bra by Victoria's Secret, and her ring is by Patricia Field.

yl << REN
Groopie grope. Мозг уге know what backup:singers are for: Posfconcert, McIntyre relaxes in а silk-print Gucci ч
robe ond Hugo Boss boxers. After you admire-the blonde, you may want to know that her body suit is from Vic-
toria’s Secret, her stockings are by Oroblu and her sexy lace-up shoes are by Helmut Lang. As for the brunette,
she's wearing (but not for long) her boudoir best from Richard Tyler. Her jewelry is Diamonte by Patricio Field.

WHERE AND HOW TD BUY DN PAGE 181.

108

"I beg your pardon, it’s your turn!"

marriage rs rn the nir
(Here's How Фо Avoid 13)

BE "т sitting at a round dinner table
in my best suit. For the first time this
year, I'm at a wedding for which I
don't have to wear a tux and stand
with the couple for their vows. The
girl at the head of the main table was
a wild one in college and after col-
lege—and even last week when we got
drunk together one last time. But
there she is tonight, white dress, de-
mure smile, an objectively good-look-
ing corporate lawyer beaming at her
side. One of his buddies is talking:
“The guys on our rugby team used to
say Jonathan was useless at any posi-
tion. For Kate's sake, I hope that's not
true." Big laughs. But m not laugh-
ing. I'm crapping my pants because,
without even looking, I can tell that
there's a gleam in my date's eyes. It's
a gleam nearly impossible to avoid.
It's a sparkle inspired by visions

of marriage.

Weddings used to be great. My
buddies turned grooms would rig
the procession so I could walk down
the aisle with a hot bridesmaid rath-
er than the older sister of the bride.
Then, after drinking (a lot) and danc-
ing (a little), there was a good chance
of some nice-nice. All the girls were
in the right mood, and а lot of them
were single. In fact, they were better
than single—they were in their im-
mediate-postcollege experimental
phase, the time when even girls who
were mousy in college feel they owe
it to themselves as independent wom-
en to seek new experiences. Which
almost always boils down to experi-
encing sex with a series of men who
are all but strangers.

But these days weddings suck.
Most of the guests I know are already
married, or at least seriously in-
volved. My buddies can’t get trashed;
the girls want to go back to the hotel

BY TIMOTHY MOHR

room, but only to curl up and watch
Father of the Bride 2. The ceremonies
are like Volvo ads, full of nice-looking
couples whose sense of adventure has
been reduced to climbing out of their
four-wheel-drive wagon to save a
fucking turtle. And it’s not just my
friends who are marrying and disap-
pearing. Even
my younger
co-workers and
the friends of
my girlfriend—
who graduated
six years after
Idid—are cou-
pling up. The
average age of
marriage seems
to be falling.
The pressure

is on.

There are at
least two sources
of pressure. One
is my mom, who
will start talking
about how cute
some baby is.
And ГЇЇ say,
“Ah, you just
have PGS—pre-
mature grandparent syndrome.” And
my mom looks at me, without a hint
of humor, and says, “It’s not prema-
ture.” The second source is my girl-
friend, who realizes her friends are
getting married. I've gone out of
my way to find a ludicrously young
girlfriend, and even her friends are
heading down the aisle in droves.
This summer I have at least four
weddings to attend. And I can’t get
out of them—my girlfriend says
she'd feel humiliated having to go
alone (or, for my friends’ weddings,
being left home) when she has a

long-term boyfriend.

Then, of course, there is my deep-
ening sense of foreboding. The scum-
mer who lived in my college dormito-
ry—the guy who was notoriously
unhygienic, who would sit in the li-
brary dipping huge chunks of Mon-
terey Jack into a vat of generic-brand

salsa, who would prefer to sprawl out
and nap next to a keg rather than go
home with a girl—is getting married
to a beautiful girl who works in an
investment bank, I roll over late

at night, look at my girlfriend’s

face, slack with sleep, drool on her
pillow, a sweaty lock of hair pinned
to her forehead, and think, If I

don't marry this one, maybe I'll
never find another.

Then morning comes. As she
watches some inane piece on Today
and smiles at Katie Couric, I remem-
ber why I’m (continued on page 172)

ILLUSTRATION BY NOAH WOODS

109

№

CAN Мда УДИ МИТУ

а guy's guide to martial arts

Y ou want to beef up and kick some ess,
Y so you enlisted at a dojo down the
street. A month later, and you're still do-
ing gentle hip rnovements. What gives? While
no art is necessarily better than any other,
martial arts can be tedious—if you dont pick
one that matches your interests. Are you med-
itative or competitive? Do you want philosophy
attached to your training or is it enough just to
kick a heavybag? Matching your temperament
with a school of study will go a long way toward
creating enthusiasm. With that in mind, here's
а quick guide to the disciplines.
Aikido: Aikido is a nonviolent art that uses flow

ing, circular movements to turn your oppo-
nent's weight and momentum against him.
Study stresses gracefulness, so expect plenty
of stretching and some physical exertion. Black
belts get to ditch the regular uniform and don
a giant black pant-skirt called a hakama.

Capoeira: A Brazilian martial art originally de-
veloped by African slaves more than 300 years
ago, Capoeira looks like a combination of
break dancing and drunken cartwheels. While
drums and a bowshaped instrument called a
berimbau provide background music, “players”
stand in a circle and wait turns to face off
against one another with handstand kicks and

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID VOIGT

leg-sweeps. Though the
kicks are powerful, em-
phasis is usually on sim-
ply touching the opponent.

Hapkido: A hybrid of karate, judo and
aikido, this school emphasizes the bal-
ance of opposites: passivity against a
hard attack, powerful countermoves
against soft attacks. Maneuvers con-
sist mainly of large kicks and lots of
aikido-style circular movement, while
advanced training includes using
staffs, canes, nur-chucks and other
weapons. The hero in Billy Jack used
hapkido (ће could also have used
some acting classes).

Jeet kune do: “Absorb what is useful"
is the tenet of this art, developed by
Bruce Lee. And, frankly, who knew
more about pummeling someone than
Bruce Lee? Loosely, JKD encompess-
es kung fu and Western boxing, but
Lee instructed his pupils to learn from
every source to develop a ruthlessly
efficient nonstyle.

Judo: A Japanese art turned Olympic

sport, judo is stylized
wrestling using a set of

defined movements,
throws and holds. Con-
sider losing your beer
belly before signing up.
Judo's grappling maves
and high-intensity prac-
tices (including plenty
of trips to the mat) are

rough on the abs. Sorry to
disappoint, but there's no
such move as a judo chop.
Jujitsu: An ancient family of
arts that uses short-, medium- and long-
range attacks, including strikes, kicks,
chokes and joint locks. Jujitsu's maneu-
vers are so vicious that dojos suffered a
high injury rate, prompting practitioners
to weed out the most dangerous moves
to create judo. The Gracie family of Brazil
used their Brazilian jujitsu to win several
years’ worth of Ultimate Fighting Cham-
pionships, so it's definitely capable of sav-
ing your butt in a dark alley.

Kali (also called arnis or escrima): This НЕ
ipino art uses two rattan or bamboo sticks
and sometimes a (fake) knife to decimate
an attacker. Although emptyhanded tech-
niques are taught, this art stresses the
use of weapons. Particular attention is paid
to disarming an opponent during combat,
an aim expressed in sayings such as "Breek
the hand and the stick will fall.”

Kerate: One of the most popular arts,
karate is also one of the oldest. Chinese
texts trace its origin beck 3000 years. As
with other Asian imports, there are dozens
of styles to choose from, including Japa-
nese, Chinese, Korean and Okinawan. A
good match for guys who want to throw a
punch in a short amount of time and learn
how to break wood bare-hended.

Kickboxing: More a sport than a martiel ert,
American kickboxing is an offshoot of full-
contact karate, with an emphasis on compe-
tition. Its first па-
tional exposure in
the U.S. came in
1970, when Joe
Lewis, fresh from
training with Bruce
Lee, knocked out
Greg Baines to be-
come the first heavy-
weight kickboxing champion. Training is 3
highly aerobic workout heavy on kicks and
bag work, so expect to sweat.

Kung fu (also gung fu or wu shu): A catch-
all describing hundreds of different Chi-
nese fighting arts thet collectively cover
weaponry, strikes, kicks and throws. Also
includes the study and use of pressure
points, an effective way to slow down

a larger opponent when brute force
won't cut it.

Savate: You mean the French ectually have a
martial art? This competition-oriented form of
kickboxing was named savate (pronounced sa-
vat) after a common term for a street
shoe, earning it а reputation as a street-
fighting technique. It might not have

the mystique of an Asian mar-

tial ert, but you'll look Paris
fashionable wearing its uni-
form of a tight, sleeveless,
striped one-piece track
suit and shoes with

rubber-reinforced toes.
Tae kwon do: The Korean “art of
kicking and punching" is known for
spectacular legwork. An average
class looks like warm-ups for a
John Woo film. Forget learning
tae kwon do if you can't touch
your toes. The head-high kicks
and roundhouses are recom-
mended only for the relatively lim-
ber. Also a good art for women.
Taichich'uan: Actually a system
of kung fu, t'aichich'uan is heavy
on philosophy and slow, “soft”
movements designed to build
health and strength. Still, 80 mit
lion skinny, elderly Chinese people
cant be wrong. Just dont expect
а few weeks (or even months) of
tai-chi-ch'uan to help you pummel
someone in a fistfight. Recom-
mended for the spiritual and med-
itative of any shape or size.

Thai kickboxing (muay thai): Dev-
astating attacks (slicing leg-over-
hip kicks, elbows and knees) and
а suckit-up defense system con-
sisting of shin and forearm blocks
define this brutal art. Sport fight-
ers in Thailand are typically young,
because their effective careers

аге so short. Not recommended
for wimps or whiners.

MARTIAL ARTS YOU THOUGHT
WERE BULLSHIT (BUT ARE
QUITE REAL)

Ninjutsu: Supposedly developed
by mountain mystics, “the art of
stealing in" was practiced by se-
cret clans who hired out to war-
lords for assassinations, spying
and other clandestine operations.
Armed with claws, explosives and
throwing stars, ninja rely on dis-
guises and special contraptions.
Masters today concentrate more
on efficient throws and joint locks
than on smoke bombs. Damn.
Monkey style kung fu: Among the
animal variations of kung fu (pray-
ing mantis, white crane, leopard),
monkey style is the goofiest.
Founded by Kou Tze, who created
it while watching monkeys during
an eight-year prison sentence, it
uses a barrelful of unorthodox
hopping, rolling and squatting ma-
neuvers to confuse opponents be-
fore lashing out. Studied in vari-
ous forms, including lost monkey,
tall monkey, wood monkey and

stone monkey.
Drunken Style kung fu: No,
it's not what your buddies
did after they saw The Ma-
trix. The drunken forms of
kung fu depend on move-
ments not unlike booze-
soaked stumbling. Oddly,
training is reserved for the
highest levels of various kung
fu styles (drunken monkey,
drunken praying mantis,
etc.). According to the Origi-
nal Martial Arts Encyclopedia,
“the Eight Drunken Fairies
set—extremely difficult —was
developed by the famous eagle
claw master Lau-Fat-Mang.”
And who hasnt heard of Lau-
Fat-Mang and his eight drunk-
en fairies?
Shao-lin kung fu: Thought by
many to be the birthplace of
kung fu, the ShaoJin temples
housed Buddhist monks who
used the martial arts to protect
themselves from an oppressive
government that eventually
burned down their original tem-
ple. Rebuilt just south of Beijing,
it's now the country's
most renowned kung-fu
facility. To avoid another
flameout, trainees are
taught a mantra that in-
cludes “I love my country.
1 love my peo-
ple. | love the
Communist
Party of China.”
Тае-Во; Our mis-
take. Tae-Bo is
bullshit.
FINDING A
GOOD SCHOOL
Finding a martial
arts academy
isn't the hard
part. The phone
book lists plenty
of schools, acad-
emies and dojos
that vie for your
tuition money with
such catchphrases
as “Techniques
used in actual cage
matches” and “Your
last big fight was
on a PlayStation and
the only black belts
you own are made of
leather.” Unfortunate-
ly, Separating the legit:
schools from the Hong
Kong hooey can be dif-
ficult. There are no
State certifications and

“Your complimentary champagne, folks. As if you give a damn.”

Welcome, Kimberley

miss july is а summery treat from canada

А O Y

IMBERLEY STANFIELD is looking forward to a first this July Fourth—
she's never been in the States for the big bash. Blame Canada. The
19-year-old Vancouver native may have migrated south, but she
loves her homeland. “Canadians are cool—everyone is really polite
and seems happy,” she says. You can probably find Miss July par-
ticipating in some kind of sport in British Columbia when she’s home. “I'm
a really good swimmer and played basketball, volleyball and soccer in high
school,” she reports. But long before Kimberley played sports, practiced the
violin or took up cheerleading for her school’s basketball team, her parents
thought her gorgeous blue eyes were picture-perfect and camera ready. "1
modeled for some catalogs and local stores when I was a baby,” she says. "I was
making money and was way too young to even know I had it." Kimberley con-
templated going to college for fashion design, took several lifeguard classes
and worked as a bartender before considering a complete career reversal.
“T really want to be an elementary schoolteacher, because 1 love kids,” she

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA АМО
RICHARD FEGLEY

1 had the best childhood a kid could have,” Kim-
berley soys. “My brather, sister and | were spoiled
brats—we had every toy we wanted. My parents
would take us camping in the lawer mainland, all
around British Columbia оп our holidays. The far-
thest away from home I've ever been is Hawaii, but
1 really want to visit New York, Paris and Japan.”

Kimberley loves to swim, woter-ski and speedboot, but she hod to visit Howoii for surfing. “There's nowhere to surf in Conado,” she says.
"We hove oll these beoutiful beoches, but we don't have any woves.” Miss July is обо looking forword to her first Independence
Doy. "I've never celebrated the Fourth of July,” she says, "but we hove о big celebration on Canada Day with lots of fireworks.” 119

says. “I'm really not into being in
the spotlight at all.”

But Kimberley is the first to ad-
mit the spotlight has its perks, as her
time with вглувоу attests. "I went to

the Grammys with Hef and six oth-

er girls,” she says. “We got these fan-
cy dresses and walked down the red
carpet. I was so excited!” Another
night at a Mansion party, Kimberley
got to meet her favorite singer. “I'd

had a crush on this really hot musi-

cian for a long time," she says. "We
were talking—totally hit it off —and
we ended up kissing for one last
picture that his security guard took
of us. I was so stoked to have this
picture, but when I got it devel-
oped, I saw that the security guard
had put his finger over the lens. I
was kissing a black smudge! But I
kept it anyway. Now when 1 show
people the picture, they say, “What
ever, Kimberley.”

Although she plans to return to
Canada in a few years, Kimberley
says that she’s happy working for
PLAYBOY now, "I'm not the type to
plan my life for the long term,” she
says. "Some people tell me that I'm
too young to know what I'm doing,
but my mind isa lot older than they
think. 1 just live life day by day.”

Kimberley worked briefly os о bortend-
er, and she can still mix a mean cock-
tail. "My favorite drink is а monkey's
lunch,” she says, “which is banano
liqueur, Kahlua ond milk. To study the
drinks in my bartending manual, I'd go
out with my friends every night, order
all the drinks ond get supersilly! You
have to be 21 to drink here, which kind
of sucks after waiting so long to turn 19
in Canada for legal drinking.”

A behind-the-scenes look at Kimberley
Stanfield's pictorial appears at cyber
playboy.com

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

ie. Kim Stunfield — Е
men OTC wm 04 оше OS |
жык ОО e creme OG N

BIRTH DATE: ae EE

AMBITIONS :.

TURN-ONS:

5 а. AMemselves

TURNOFFS People Who ale faro ano Pude, und

High soncol TN Card wally me Me Wilh Jamie on
(no! my boyfriend д)

(по, my libranat) boat! (nod m

py"

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

What qualifies a woman for a handicapped
parking spot in Los Angeles?
An Acup.

Two men were walking through the forest
when they noticed a bear standing a few feet
away. The first man bent down and retied his
shoelaces. “Are you crazy?” the second one
whispered. “Do you really think you can out-
run him?"

“1 don't have to outrun
“I just have to outrun you

im,” the man said.

A graduate student in speech therapy had two
days to cure her patients of their stutters. She
came to a therapy session іп a re ng outfit
and offered a blow job to anyonc who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they
were born without stuttering. The first man
stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back
down. The next guy stood and said, "Са-са-са-
ca-Cleveland.”

He slappe

his thigh in ration and sat
back down. The third man stood and without
hesitation said, “Miami.”

The student fell to her knees and began per-
forming oral sex on the man. After finishing,
she looked up at him and said, “What do you
have to say now?”

He replied, “B-b-b-b-Beach.”

Two Italian men were sitting behind a woman
on a bus. “Emma come first,” one of the men
said to the other. “Denna I come. Two asses,
they come together. 1 come again. Two a:
es, they come together again. 1 come agai
and pee twice. Then I come oncea more.”

“You pigs,” the lady yelled. “In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down, lady,” the one man said.
“Imma justa tellun my friend howa to врећа
Mississippi.”

Two men were discussing their sex lives. The
ї said, "Last night, I asked my wife if we
could do it doggy style.”
he go for it?" the other asked.
“Oh, yeah," the first man said. “I sat uj
begged. She rolled over and played dead

and

siting New York City stopped a
cuse me,” he said. "Can you tell
uilding is, or

воша go he лозе aga

Е joke or re month: A man playfully pinched
his wife on the butt and said, “If you
this up, we could get rid of your control-top
pantyhose.”

Then he pinched her breasts and said, “And
if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your
bras.

Furious, she grabbed his penis and said,
“Well, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of
the gardener, the pool man, the postman and
your brother.”

A man who had been driving all night decid-
ed to pull over somewhere quiet to get some
sleep. He parked near a jogging trail and set-
Пей back to snooze. Just after he fell asleep,
there was a knock at his window. He opened
his eyes and saw a jogger running in place.
Excuse me, sit,” the jogger said. “Do you
have the

The man looked at his watch and answered,
“8:10.”

The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The
man settled back and was just dozing off when
there was another knock on the window. A sec-
ond jogger running in place asked, "Excuse
me, sir, do you have the time?”

20,” the man said

The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The
man knew it was only a matter of time be-
fore another jogger disturbed him, so he put
a sign in his window that said 1 DO NOT KNOW
THE TIME!

He fell asleep. Once again, he awoke when
someone knocked on his window, “Si
jogger said. “It's 8:30!"

Milig bineare

А man was visiting his friend, who was a hunt-
er. The man noticed that there was a stuffed
lion in his friend's den. “When did you bag
him?” the man asked

“Three years ago," the hunter said. "When I
went hunting with my ex-wife."

What's he stuffed with?" the man asked.
The hunter replied, “My ex-wife.”

Why did Raggedy Andy break up with F
gedy Ann? He caught her sitting on Риос
chio's face, saying, "Lie to me. Lie to me.”

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor,
м. лувоу, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

steroids—and the
guys who take them—
are getting bigger.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THAT?

4
TES
na
Уң ~
= =
e
173
~
+!
fos
+
=
=
=

By Scott Dickensheets

Ewas a big guy, a side of
beef, nose tackle on an
ACC varsity team. Six-
four, 275. And strong—on
the bench press, he could

do 30 reps of 225 pounds. But you
need muscle to play nose tackle, and
this big boy had 21 percent body fat.
That worked fine on the gridiron, but
off it, he found that pretty coeds don’t
exactly melt at the sight of 21 percent
body fat.

So when a shoulder injury ended
his football career in 1999, he imme-
diately began sculpting his body into
something more fulfilling. “I wanted
more than anything to step into the
dance club or gym, or out on campus,
and turn heads,” he says. Hitting the
gym got him most of the way there but
left him short of the brute physical-
ity he craved. There is a limit to the
muscle a man can pack on—and how
quickly he can do it—without chemi-
cal assistance. Dietary supplements
and protein powders are two options,
but the most direct route involves ana-
bolic steroids.

Three hundred dollars got him 600
tabs of a (continued on page 156) 129

GEAR, BIHLS апо WHERE 60 GD-
ШИИТ ARE УПИ WAITING FOR, RIPPER?

v
Grab your board now, while surfing is siill riding a crest. Besides being a
great excuse to spend more time at the beach, surfing has earned street
cred as an alternative to mass-market extreme sports. Surfers and equip-
ment companies have done their best to shake the stoner stercotype that
has dogged the sport since Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Surfing kings such as Kelly SI
and ce Irons have ditched hanging 10
for moves that will leave poseurs sucking
seawater. So before you paddle out, let us clue

you in on where the waves are, what's new on the beach and which board
you ought to be strapping to your roof. If someone asks you what's
happening in the surf world, you can smile, throw a shaka and say,

O, I y SWEET.

Slat

У. SURF ON OVER TO THE PLAYBOY CYBER CLUB FOR NUDE PHOTOS
OF BOARDER AMY COBB--CYBER.PLAYBOY.COM

huntington beach, california
Even though the waves rarely exceed three feet, this
beath is still considered the center of the surf scene.
Every summer thousands of surfers, groupies ond
wannabes peck the beoth next to Huntington Pier
10 watch top pros from the Association of Surfing

5: Open of surfing) tear it up.

INGERMEMAGE
lower trestles, san clemente,
california

Nomed for the train trestles that surfers cross to get to the.
break; this spot is a hotbed of futuristic surfing. The point-
breok-style waves ore ideal for such modern tricks as airs,
‘cutbacks and off the lips: One worning: The Trestles crowd
consists mostly of surfing professionals and oggressive lo-
cals, making ¡his beach frustrating for a beginner.

pane сапи,

пашай

The Bonzai Pipeline launches out of

‘open oceon ond explodes on û shollow.

reel lo form a perfect pipe. Every year.

the Gerry Lopez Pipeline Masters chol- A
lenges top pres 10 take on these dongerous
waves. Strictly for experts.

DEAGH WISH
teahupoo, tahiti

Regarded os the world's deadliest wave,
Teohupoo is surfing s serial killer. I's already tok-
en numerous lives. This lethal wove sweeps around a bar-
tier reef a few hundred yards offshore before erupting
long a rozor-sharp coral reef.

(or see girls surfing
naked)

Situated
neor Nice on the
| | Mediterranean, this vo-
cation destination is
mobbed during the sum- А
mer months with thin, bronzed,
rude Euros. f yo con keep your N
mind on surfing ond eyes on the
‘waves, try catching one of the huge Y |
tubes that roll in here.

Best Place for Surf Groupies

Dur
ing the summer months IM Through Moy], this
section of Austrolio heats up with Aussie women who
have оп appetite for surfers. And the waves ore leg-
endory ot Kirra, Burleigh Heads ond Duranboh. Don't
forget to check out the action at Surfer's Paradise, 0
strand of nightclubs.

Best Surfers’ Resort

This all-inclusive surf resort set

J| on o small island in Fiji is o surfer's Club Med.

Guests ore tected to о Бос ride directly To the

1 break with hot Jacuzzis ond o full-service bor on

the beach. The resort limits occupancy to 25 people,

which guarantees trowd-Iree lineups os surfers toke

| a shot ot Cloudbreak, one of the most perfect waves
on earth. А dream trip for any surfer.

т;

ОШМ THE LATEST SURFING GEAR iF SOU PLAN TO STAND UP TO THE BIGGEST Waves. @ ваї авом 5 ABSOLUTE #302
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ушах COME 670). С) THE POUCH iNSIDE ELiVE'S SURF SCOUT BACKPACK iS PERFECT FOR STASHING WET

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4 = | |
и | Y
| d

PADDLING DN THE RIGHT BDARDiS THE BEST THING чай сам 00 TO PREVENT SOUR PERFECT RUN FROM TURN;
вай. Ç) BY USING SMALL FEEDER FiNS TO DIRECT WATER ACROSS THE BACK FiNS, RUSTN'S E-S SHORTEOARD HAULS
амо HANDLES LOOSELY (5475). (С) PRO SURFER SUNNY GARCIA FINE-TUNEO THIS SHORTBDARO, HiS PRO MODEL FOR ВАСК-
мака BOARDS, WHILE RIDING HiS LUAS TO 2 2000 ASP LUORLO CHAMPIONSHIP (475), CUSTOMIZED акт BS JOHN GLOMB
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IT'S DESIGNED TO HANDLE ALL CONDITIONS АМО шаиез FROM ТШО TO BiGHT FEET ($435), (2) SaNTa CRUZ USES COMPOS-
¡TE тивите MATERIALS амо SANOUICH-STSLE CONSTRUCTION ТО CREATE iTS EPXSSKiN BOARD. IT'S STRONGER АМО

LIGHTER THAN OTHER воакоз UN THE MARKET. MEANING THAT EVEN Bib GUNS САМ RIDE а SMALL BOARD (8450).

PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU

134

“What a day! I could really use a stiff one.”

rack team.

incredible, “amazing feeling:
ered that by doing leg
dias probably MY

Gong
Abroadr

n a world where one third of the people

eat with their fingers, one third with chop-
sticks and one third with knives and forks,
wining and dining abroad can get tricky.
An innocent mistake such as using your
left hand to pick up or serve food in an
Arab country can leave your host aghast.
(Sorry, lefties, Muslims reserve that hand
for the bathroom.) File the following tips
next to your passport.

2
Hungary: Never clink glasses for d O П Е

а toast. Back when Austrian and
Russian troops invaded Budapest,

.
they'd do that just before shooting
Hungarian.

Jamaica: Don't ask for meat or fish

aw your hosts

menu is com-
posed
of ital proved of. Don't ask sidered an insult to his or

Nune ) your host for condi- her generosity. When din-
besas ments such as on- ing. do not wait for every-
OR T ion or chopped one to be served their pasta
egg when you're before eating yours. "Amici e
served самог. Rus- pasta, se non sono caldi, non
Sians consider it sono buoni" means "If friends
barbaric to mix and posta ore not worm, they
are not good." Don't use а ta-
blespoon to help twirl spaghetti
onto your fork. Only an American
clod would do that.

vegetarianism.
Liquor, wine
опа beer аге
not served.

Japan: When eating sushi, pick up
the entire morsel and consume it in
one bite. Some sushi connoisseurs
don't add wasabi (the green horse-
radish that accompanies an order)
to the soy sauce as they believe it
masks the flavor of the fish. And
never poss food to another person
with chopsticks, because at Japa-
nese funerals Buddhists use them
to pass cremated bones of the

good stur-
geon roe with
anything but
blini.

Russia: Down

your entire gloss Italy: Never
of vodka when give a gift
your host offers of wine to
а toast. Casual your host—
sipping is disap- itis con-

By John Mariani

deceased to family members. Also,
do not lean your chopsticks onto
the food plates or bowls.

England: Tipping in a British pub is
considered poor form. If you're din-
ing in someone's home and port is
served, always pass the decanter
to the left, as done in Her Majesty's
Royal Navy, until it arrives back at
your host's place at the table.
Never let it sit in front of you.

Turkey: Place one half of your nap-
kin on the table and let the other
half hang down. Use only your right
hand to pick up food and wipe
that hand on the napkin.

Thailand: Don't ask for chopsticks.
They're seldom used. Instead, eat
with a spoon in your right hand and
a fork in your left. The fork is used to
push food onto the 5рооп. When
served sticky rice, roll it into a small
ball and dip it into the sauces.

Israel: Never request а dairy prod-
uct (even milk for your coffee) in

а kosher meat restaurant. Also, nev-
er ask for meat in a kosher dairy

restaurant or shellfish of any
kind in kosher restaurants.

France: The only foods you should
eat with your fingers are french
fries, asparagus, frog legs and raw
shellfish. When having bouillabaisse,
never eat the fish and the broth
together. They are eaten as
separate courses.

Switzerland: When
dipping your fork into
fondue. make sure the
tines don't protrude
through the food and
touch the fondue it-
self. Also, bite the

food from ће fork

| without letting your mouth
touch the tines.

Greece: When dining in
someone's home, it's
appropriate to arrive
atleast half an hour
late. Dinner, inciden-
tally, never begins be-
fore nine гм.

the food items, then gently slide the
skewer out, dropping the food onto
your plate.

Brazil: Even if you love the food,
never make the tradifional "ОК"
sign with your thumb and index

finger. Down there it means

Germany: Crossing your "screw you."

knife and fork on your
\ plate means you are not

finished eating. China: Don't leave your chopsticks

crossed on your piate or the table.
It's a symbol of death. Also, the
Chinese believe that rattling your
chopsticks on your
rice bowl means
you and your de-
scendants will al-
ways be poor. Slurping
your tea is considered

an appropri-

Egypt Pour your tea in-
to the cup until it over-
flows into the saucer.

Mexico: Flat tortillas

and enchiladas are
eaten with a knife and
fork. If crisp, pick them

up with your fingers. ate way to

Norway: When going to a cool it.

dinner party, never give
white flowers to your hostess.
They are appropriate only
at funerals.

Morocco: Tables may be
covered with a sheet of
plastic. If so. it's perfectly
appropriate to place
bones and other
inedible parts of your
meal on the table
rather than leave
them on your plate.
When served shish kabobs,
steady the skewer between
the tines of your fork above

Johnny Knoxville

PLAYBOY'S

what does taking a sledgehammer to your nuts
feel like? a day at the office for mtv’s jackass

on't bother to point and click

Just when technology threatened

lo turn shock and gross-out humor
into a private affair, MTV throws Jackass
in our faces. The cable network's top-rated
show entrances adolescents and enrages
parents the old-fashioned way, with idiotic
stunts, inane pranks and hidden-camera
segments. The Jackass recipe is concocted
from effluvia and entrails, plus the occa-
sional barbecue featuring unfilleted human
sprawled across the grill. OK—there’s a fire-
retardant suit between him and the meat and
the charcoal.

Jackass, obviously not fare for the faint of
heart or stomach, is presided over by John-
ny Knoxville (his driver's license identifies
him as РЈ. Clapp), who swears, “This is my
attempt to emulate my father.” The senior
Clapp motivated employees of his Tennessee
lire business with mock gunfights and taught
his toddler son to welcome customers with a
slug to the crotch

Clapp fils is not sure he lives up to the old
man's expectations. Not that he isn't trying.
Knoxville was born to the prank, but his de-
tour from a career selling radials took a few
turns. He recalls an uncompleted novel, а
checkered stint in journalism (he filed re-
ports from the road that were actually writ-
ten on his back porch), an acting course
marked incomplete and hanging ош! with
skateboarding pals. Lucky for him, Knox-
ville let his inner Dad blossom: He tested
self-defense equipment on himself, he sat та
portable toilet that was then overturned by a
forklift. He strapped on an artificial penis
for а day, and so forth. Friends with video
cameras faithfully recorded these antics,
which caught the attention of director Spike
Jonze. Jonze shaped the tapes into а cas-
sette that duly impressed the suits at MTV.
The corporate decision to augment tame fare
such as Total Request Live and The Real
World with Jackass was a no-brainer— in
the virtual sense of the term. Knoxville and
his highly skilled troupe of jackasses pre-
miered on the network last fall and the show
has been enthusiastically renewed.

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker

PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ RANDEE ST NICHOLAS

caught up with Knoxville in the lush farm
country of southeastern Pennsylvania. “1
had been warned that he'd tried his hand
at bovine gynecology that afternoon,” Kal-
backer reports. "And 1 know what a barn-
yard smells like. So I was delighted to meet a
fastidiously groomed man.”

PLAYBOY: Your real name is P]. Clapp.
The Johnny Knoxville moniker sug-
gests that you come from Tennessee.
KNOXVILLE: South Knoxville. West Knox-
ville is the affluent area, and 1 definite-
ly wasn't from there. Fast Knoxville is a
little more gheuo. South Knoxville is
very working class. I was going to use
Johnny Newark, but it doesn't roll off
the tongue as well. Knoxville has a bet-
ter ring to it. I'm a huge fan of all the
Johnnies: Johnny Cash, Johnny Thun-
ders, Johnny Rotten. Everyone in my
family has a host of names. It's a South-
ern thing. My nieces’ names are Cissy,
Billie and Flipper, and we have Little
Ronnie, who's also Pork Chop. Then
there's Dusty. There's also Crusty and
the Dust Man.

PLAYBOY: Did you take to performing
weird stunts as compensation for not
being able to pick up girls?

KNOXVILLE: 1 never had that problem.
I grew up with two sisters—eight and
10 years older—and they and their
friends were constantly around me. 1
always had a wonderful relationship
with women. I'm not compensating for
anything. I really have no excuse for
the things I do. I'm married, and ту
wife is supportive, but Lonce made the
mistake of telling her that I was testing
self-defense equipment. Г was going to
pepper spray, stun gun and Taser my-
sell, and our kid was two at the ume. I
went to the desert in a bulletproof vest
and shot myself. It was really tense
around the house for the couple of

weeks leading up to it, so I never again
made the mistake of telling her what 1
do. Now when I leave for work in the
morning, I don't say anything about
what's going to happen that day. She
will watch footage after the fact and
think it's funny, but she'll be happy
when—if—I ever stop doing this.

PLAYBOY: Now that you've tested body
armor, can you make recommenda-
tions for those of us who may have to
go into harm's way?

KNOXVILLE: Save up for a good vest. At
the time I didn't have a lot of money, so
1 had to buy the cheapest vest made,
which was like $300, and it only takes a
certain type of gun and bullet—up to a
nine millimeter. You want to go to the
$500 or $600 range for a proper vest
For that price you can get one that will
take a 44. And, yes, you can get an ar-
mor codpiece. It's actually great eve-
ningwear for going out on the town,
frolicking with your friends

ы лувоу: Are your performances a cry
for help or is your serotonin level high-
er or lower than normal?

KNOXVILLE: Oddly enough, I enjoy it
all. I created a show with two friends
and we hired all our other friends, and
it’s a nerve-racking business. There is
probably some chemical reaction that
causes me to act in this manner, but
maybe it's the adrenaline rush or the
rush of eliciting laughter when we ac-
tually complete something. Г would
think it’s more the latter. 1 would al-
ways watch my old man, how he would
command a room and how everyone
would laugh. This is my poor attempt
to emulate my father.

тилувоу: As the son of a tire salesman,
can you offer tips on how to negotiate a

139

PLAYBOY

140

good deal on our next set of radials?
KNOXVILLE: We'll call Fat Phil and see
what we can wrench out of him. He
sells new and used tires. Dad's nick-
name is Fat Phil From Knoxville, the
Round Man with the Square Deal. He
owns the tire company, and it has also
served as his stage, where he would
prank his employees constantly and
wreak havoc on most who entered
there. Boxcar—Woodrow Wilson John-
son Jr.—would regroove the used tires,
and when I was five or six, Dad would
Jet me reblack the tires to make them
look new. I would make a big mess, but
it was a lot of fun hanging out with
all those characters, the people who
worked for my father: Big Sam, Ass-
Kicking Robert, Big George and a guy
named Superdick. They called him SD.
He was harelipped, but he apparently
more than made up for it with his en-
dowment. It seems Гуе surrounded
myself with those characters in my own
life now.

PLAYBOY: Were the citizens of Tennessee
relieved when you headed to the West
Coast?

KNOXVILLE: They were very supportive
of me when I moved out to Los Ange-
les, but they were just waiting for me to
make the move and then come back.
For the first five or six years my mom
and dad kept my room exactly as 1
had left и. My father and I packed ту
belongings into this Suzuki Samurai
and drove for three days: Motel 6s
and truck-stop food—casseroles with
Cheez-Its crumbled on top. We almost
perished around Kingman, Arizona. A
big piece of construction equipment
rolled out into the middle of the inter-
state, and we had to veer off onto the
grass. Dad actually flew out and drove
back to Tennessee with me a couple
months later when I ran out of dough.
1 worked for a few months to make
money and, once again, he drove out
to LA with me. We made the trip three
times. God bless him for that.

PLAYBOY: Can you set the stunt or
prank in the larger context of history
and culture?

KNOXV There was a German who
lived around the 1300s—Till Eulen-
spiegel. 1 was quite a fan of his grow-
ing up. 1 don't know if you'd call him
a performance artist. I guess he was
more of a prankster. Eulenspiegel was
not very popular in Knoxville. There's

a Belgian named Noel Godin. a per-

formance artist who pies everyone in
the face. He's sull doing it. Then there
was Chris Burden in the Seventies,

who had someone shoot him in the arm
with а .22. He also lay down in an in-
tersection underneath a tarp in midday
traffic. And, yes, I was a fan of Candid
Camera. We're trying to take all this toa
higher intensit

pıaYBOY: Jackass doesn't strike us as the
most original title. Couldn't you have
come up with something a little more
creativ
KNOXVILLE: Fuckstick. It's a perfect fit.
We went through a host of names, not
many of which I can recall, after re-
viewing the tape and the show. We ас-
tually tried to clear Fuckstick, but MTV
didn't think it was very amusing.

PLAYBOY: Jackass posts the usual dis-
claimers, warning young people not to
try outrageous stunts at home. Would
you care to offer another warning?
KNOXVILLE: Yes. We don't take audi-
tions or submissions. We can't. I try to
emphasize at every point: Do not try
what we do at home. We're taking the
hits for the audience. It might look al-
luring, but there are actually а lot of se-
rious consequences. You re just going
to get hurt and we're going to get can-
celed. As a child 1 was always break-
ing bones, just because 1 was clumsy.
I broke my ankles a couple of times
apiece. broke my hands, broke my
arms a couple, three times. 1 sprained
my ankle just last June. A few sprains
from the show, ankles and back, but
that’s about it, nothing too bad. Mc-
Ghehey just chipped his tooth doing a
stunt—which was good for the show.
But it loses its charm if there are any fa-
talities or incapacitations.

riavsov: Do you have comprehensive
insurance and an exceptionally under-
standing HMO?

KNOXVILLE: We pay a pretty nickel for
our insurance. And we have a lot of
prepaid legal for the show:

PLAYBOY: We understand you once um-
pired Little League baseball. What's
the secret to m. g a few hundred
calls per game?

KNOXVILLE: 1 had а lot of blown calls.
My strike zone was pretty wide because
I was a pitcher in high school. I was
a little biased toward the pitchers. I
made the hitters be aggressive at the
plate. that's for sure. It was the greatest
job I ever had. I umpired for eight-
and nine-year-olds in the Valley. 1
loved the kids, so maybe that made me

a better umpire. When I first got to LA
1 was waiting tables and bartending Юг
à nickel. About five years later | got an
agent and did commercials for Moun
tain Dew, Coors Light and ESPN. I was
in a Тасо Bell commercial with the little
Chihuahua. We were eating nachos on
a boat, and the dog would ride up to us
on this mini gondola. Between shots 1
would have to feed the dog chicken as
a reward. That's my story about the
Chihuahua. It was pretty embarrass-
ing. 1 was never called upon to drop
the chalupa. Maybe in the shower with
the boys.

PLAYBOY: You attended the American
Academy of Dramatic Arts—alumni in-
clude Jason Robards and Robert Red-
ford. Tell us about your training in
classic theater.

KNOXVILLE: The American Academy of
Dramatic Arts was my excuse to head
west. 1 moved to Los Angeles—actually,
Arcadia. Living was a bit cheaper in Ar-
cadia. | went to this six-week program
at the academy. After the first three
weeks, it seemed to me that the teach-
ers were just frustrated actors and mu-
sicians. I don't know how much they
really brought to the table. 1 didn't go
back after the third week. My parents
called the school to see how I was do-
ing, and they were told I'd quit. They
were less than enthusiastic. They paid
all that money and didn't get it back,
but Г guess that’s all part of growing
up- Actually, | never did а lot of theater.
There's not much Stanislavsky can do
for you when you're hitting vour chest
with a Taser. But I have been working
on films lately, and I want to expand
that. Ten years from now? Oh my God.

I'll probably be sitting on the front
porch vith a shotgun, because my daugh-
ter will be 15 then. I'm so terrified of
that day.

PLAYBOY: In a stunt that was called the
Poo Cocktail, you locked yourself in a
portable toilet and allowed it to be
overturned, showering you with hu
man waste. Given your use of an infan-
tile term for feces, have your parents
ever mentioned difficulties with your
toilet training or other aspects of your
upbringing that might indicate arrest-
ed development?
KNOXVILLE: It ju:
every time you
it. But please don't read too deeply in-
to underlying meanings of the show
and what we do. It's truly just for kicks.
Today 1 artificially inseminated а cow.
You have to stick your hand up the

(continued on page 176)

WHY THE BEST PLAYERS IN HISTORY
ARE ON THE FIELD RIGHT NOW

RMS

By Allen Barra Remember the golden age of base-
ball? Of course, we all do. It was a time when giants walked
between the lines, when the most important records were
set, when the standards of performance were established
for hitters, pitchers and teams. When was that, exactly?
Perhaps the era from the turn of the 20th century to
1920, when Ty Cobb, Honus Wagner and Walter Johnson
were the greatest stars of the “scientific” (i.e., dead ball)
era of baseball? Or the next two decades, maybe, when

Babe Ruth changed the game with the home run, when
Rogers Hornsby hit .424 in 1924, when Lefty Grove posted
a career won-lost percentage of .680? Or 1940 to 1960,
when Joe DiMaggio hit safely in 56 straight games, when
Ted Williams became the last man to hit .400, when Stan
Musial, Bob Feller, Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays were at
their peaks?

Perhaps уоште a neoclassicist and prefer the Silver
Age of Hank Aaron, Sandy Koufax, Johnny Bench, Mike

u А
Chipper Jones

= THROBASE |

5 3
A =
=)

PLAYBOY

142

Schmidt and Joe Morgan.

Many sporiswriters who grew up af-
ter World War Il recall the game of
their fathers through а nostalgic haze
They never saw baseball's real prob-
lems of all-white teams, the near abo-
lition of the home run, and rampant
cheating and violence—to say nothing
of betting scandals and fixes. Atten-
dance dropped sharply in the Fifties,
and for good reason. The game itself
was one-dimensional—offense consist-
ed mostly of solo homers with hardly
anyone stealing or hitting the ball in
the gaps. Off the field, baseball was a
tragedy for fans of the Brooklyn Dodg-
ers, New York Giants and several other
major league teams that were uprooted
after decades of loyal fan support. In
the Sixtics, pitchers had an cnormous
edge and run-scoring was at an all-time
low, with one hitter winning a batting
crown with а 301 average.

Now consider something thorough-
ly radical—that the real, genuine gold-
en age of baseball is the one we're in
right now. Our own era—one marked
by mind-numbing debates about big
markcts versus small markcts, revenue
sharing and salary caps. A time of free
agents following the buck from town to
town? A period of owners who aren't
satisfied with stadiums that cost only
$150 million of someone else's money?
An epoch branded forever by two sca-
sons shortened and a World Series lost
to blind self-interest?

All of which is true, and all of which
has distracted us from what went on
out there on the беја. For instance:

• Pennant races. Never has а decade
produced more great pennant races
and World Series than the Nineties,
even counting the black hole of Octo-
ber 1994. Twins-Braves in 1991, Jays—
Braves in 1992 and Jays—Phillies in
1993 compare favorably with any con
secutive trio in Series history. And the
year of the least exciting race produced
perhaps the greatest team in baseball
history, the 1998 Yankees. On paper
the 2000 Yankees won the series in a
walk. On the field, the Yankees and
Mets were separated by just three runs
over 47 innings.

e Players. Next time your grandfa-
ther starts telling you how great the
s before he left to fight Hitler
), remind him that his he-
roes never faced anyone named Ken
Hey Jr., Barry Bonds, Robbie Alo-
mar, Frank Thomas, Edgar Martinez,

ny Gwynn, Alex Rodriguez, Mari-
ano Rivera or Pedro Martinez. There
has never been more of an ethnic mix
among players than in today's game.

Soon we'll see influxes of talent from
Australia, Japan, Korea and maybe
even Ri There were a lot of white

guys who missed out on some of those

earlier golden eras until the major
leagues began to mine the gold in Cali-
fornia and the rest of the far Western
states. Not until the last 30-odd years
did major league baseball take notice
of the suburbs of the country—name-
ly, the South, the Southwest and the
West. Expansion hasn't ted talent,
it's swelled the talent base.

e Stability. Forget that bunk you
read in the papers that one third or
two thirds of major league teams lose
money. Never have there been more
franchises on solid financial footing.
Yes, several franchises have lost money
in recent years, but do you measure the
success of an en dustry by a few
franchises that are in the red, or by
baseball's overall revenue? No major
league baseball team has ever gone out
of business.

Not only has no franchise gone out
of business, none has relocated since
the second incarnation of the Wash-
ington Senators became the Texas
Rangers in 1972. The NFL—with its
supposedly firm financial foundation
of revenue sharing and salary ca
moves teams around like musical
chairs. (Quick: Who were the Balti-
more Ravens in their earlier incarna-
tion? What city did the Houston Oil-
ers move to?) Baseball has reached new
markets not by relocating but by ex-
panding, which is a sure sign of finan-
cial health. Major league baseball has
managed to expand to almost every ma-
jor market in the country without dam-
aging its minor league base, which is in
better financial shape than at any time
since World War IL

© Popularity. Average attendance at
major league games rose from 26,000
in 1990 to 31,000 in 1993, and was on
а 32,000 pace in 1994. It fell to about
25,000 during the strike's aftershock
in 1995, but it's been on the rise cy-
er since, with last season up to almost
30.000. Back in 1969, the year the
Amazin’ Mets captured the imagina-
tion of the country, attendance aver-
aged just 14,000. When the Brooklyn
Dodgers won their only World Series
in 1955, ага time when baseball had no
rival for the public's attention, atten-
dance was just 13,600 per game at only
16 parks.

From the Twenties to the Forties,
baseball had no rivals for sports page
ink and fan attention. There was no
pro football or basketball to speak of,
and even college football didn't begin
to boom as a national phenomenon un-
úl after World War 11. While baseball
commands a much smaller share of the
overall pro sports market today than
70, 50 or even 30 years ago, it draws
many more fans on average to far more
teams than in any past decade.

to look forward to in the postseason.
Only purists argue that the playofís
haven't introduced a whole new level
of excitement. Everyone agrees that
there are better ways to organize the
postseason, but who can deny that the
recent playoffs have brought ап un-
precedented amount of excitement to
the game in all parts of the country? So
much attention was given to the fact
that the World Series was played ei
úrely in New York that few in the
sports media noticed how unpredict-
able the playoffs proved to be. The
American League wild card team, Seat-
tle, came within two victories of mal
ing it to the World Series, the National
League's wild card team, the Mets, did
make it.

е Competitive balance. For all the
talk about big-market teams допипа
ing the game, the difference between
the best and the worst has never been
smaller. The 2000 season was the first
time in baseball history every team fin-
ished under .600 and over 400—in
other words, nobody was more than
20 percentage points better than any-
body else. It's true that the teams from
the biggest market—the Yankees and
Mets—ended up in the World Series,
but who can say they were dominant?
Four AL teams had better records than
the Yankees and three NL teams had
better records than the Mets. The com-
paratively small-market Oakland A's
and Scattle Mariners both came within
a wisp of climinating the world cham-
pion Yankees.

Since everyone
ternet chat room or radio
seems to think that competi
is destroyed by economic imbalances,
last season is worth looking at in more
detail. Only three of the 10 highest-
payroll teams (the Yankees, Mets and
Braves) made the playofls—but so did
Seattle, St. Louis, Oakland, the White
Sox and the Giants. Commissioner
Bud Selig told Congress last Novem-
ber that more than half the clubs in
baseball were out of the race before
opening day. But on opening day he
couldn't have predicted which clubs
those would have been, because two of
the six last-place division teams, Texas
and Tampa Bay, spent more money on
salaries than the eight eventual playoff
teams averaged, including the Yankees
and Braves.

* The game. There has never been
more diversity in the game itself—hit-
ting, running and pitching have never
been so balanced. And there's never
been an cra with so many outstanding
performances at every level.

The era had some great base steal-
ers, but none, neither Ty Cobb nor
Honus Wagner, were as great as Rickey

(continued on page 171)

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am Anderson is bigger than life itself. Do we ex-

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dream walking. And sitting. And lying down. She has
become an object of worship-even of idolatry. She
could be the reason Taliban militants blew up those
statues in Afghanistan. They were driven to it by those
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needs a golden calf? She has golden calves, golden
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PLAYBOY

ROID RAGE (continued from page 129)

"I was as hard as a damn chiseled block of granite.
I had girls looking at me in shock.”

steroid called Dianabol, enough for
seven weeks (anabolics are generally
used in cycles of six to 12 weeks). Com-
bined with a furious workout regimen,
the drug worked wonders: “I was as
hard as a damn chiseled block of gran-
ite.” he boasts. “I had striations run-
ning across my chest, veins busting
through my skin, and my skin looked
paper-thin. Guys looked at me in awe.
1 had girls looking at me in shock."

Ecstasy gets the drug-scare headlines
these days, and heroin retains its tragic
glamour, but steroids are the drug of
choice on college campuses—or any-
where you find young men. No one
knows exactly how many guys have
tried them, but estimates run as high as
3 million. In fact, steroids have a whole
new market—and it's extending far be-
yond jocks and hard-core bodybuild-
ers. For a growing number of young
men, it's about the emotional rewards
of hypermasculinity.

“Steroids have become mainstream,”
says Dr. David Rosen, chief of teenage
and young adult health at the Univer-
sity of Michigan. "They're no longer
used solely by athletes for performance
purposes. They're being used as cos-
metic agents—a way of looking better,
of looking buff.”

Studies show increasing use among
teenagers and others. One of the most
frequently cited surveys indicates three
percent of teen boys have sampled ste-
roids. That may not seem like many, but
it’s a 50 percent rise over 10 years.

Others calculate the numbers to be
even higher. The authors of The Adonis
Complex: The Secret Crisis of Male Body
Obsession cite а 1988 nationwide sur
of 3403 high school seniors in which
6.6 percent reported use (or past use)
of anabolic steroids—an average of
one kid in hose stats were backed
up by a 1993 study in The New England
Journal of Medicine that put the figure
percent.
evs assume the 6.5 percent rate
of steroid use among high school boys
has remained stable over the past 12
years,” write Adonis Complex authors
Harrison Pope, Katharine Phillips and
Roberto Olivardia. “About 25 million
American men have turned 18 during
the past 12 years. That would mean
more than 1.5 million men have used
anabolic steroids before the age of 18.”

The numbers get larger as high
school students move on to college and

college students graduate into the re-
al world, according to experts, who
pin the total at 2 million to 3 million.
Whatever the figure, an alarm has
been sounded. The National Institute
on Drug Abuse cites side effects that
range from the relatively mild, such as
acne and shrinking testicles, to the
more severe, such as heart trouble and
liver and prostate cancer.

Others claim the menace of steroids
is vastly inflated, and a clamorous de-
bate has ensued: Will steroids fry your
liver, shrivel your balls and hot-wire
your psyche? Do they really work? And
why are so many men using them?

Anabolic steroids, in the simplest
terms, are synthesized tissue-building
male hormones related to testosterone.
They were developed in the Thirties to
treat men whose testes produced ab-
normally low amounts of testosterone,
inhibiting normal development and
sexual functions. There are now some
100 varieties of oral, injectable and top-
ical steroids with names such as Ana-
drol, Dianabol and Deca-Durabolin
They are illegal without a prescription.

These steroids have legitimate appli-
cations, most notably in curbing mus-
cle deterioration in people with HIV
or AIDS. Synthetic testosterone is also
used in hormone-replacement therapy
to buck up the flagging sex drives of el-
derly men. And the World Health Or-
ganization is testing it as a male contra-
ceptive (one side effect of continued
use is a depressed sperm count).

Most steroid users, of course, have
none of these problems. James (not his
real name), a 33-year-old Colorado
man, fits the more typical profile: In a
rush to hugeness—and the respect it
would confer—he decided the known
risks of the drug were worth the
chance to bulk up. “You know how you
are at that age,” he says. “If someone
had asked me, ‘Would you like to be
huge, a guy people look up to, and take
10 years off your life, or would you
rather be an average Joe and keep
those 10 years? my attitude was, Yeah,
go ahead, take the 10 years!”

Standard antidrug rhetoric—drugs
are bad for you, just say no—doesn't
seem to steer men like James away
from steroid use. “The warnings con-
tradict their own experience, ys Jim
Wright, senior science editor of Flex

magazine, one of the titles in muscle
magnate Joe Weider's stable of fitness
publications. “Kids aren't stupid —they
know longtime steroid users aren't keel-
ing over dead in the gym.” Further-
more, they know (or suspect) that their
favorite athletes and action-film stars
got their bulging pecs and six-lane
chests from ге ‘They want that look,
in a hurry. Focused on what they be-
lieve to be the short-term benefits of a
juiced physique—the respect of other
guys, the sexual attention of women—
they give scant thought to the long-
term implications of what they're put-
ting in their bod
Kids wouldn't care if steroids caused
cancer,” says Wright, who holds a doc-
toral degree in zoology and has re-
searched steroid use for years. "They
can't spell patience, let alone display it.”
“Imagine,” says Harrison Pope, a
ychiatry professor at Harvard Med-
al School and chief of the Biological
Psychiatry Laboratory at McLean Hos-
pital, “that a drug existed for women
that would rapidly make them more
attractive, had effects that lasted long
after the drug was stopped, wouldn't
be picked up on routine random drug
testing and had no obvious immediate
medical dangers. How many women
would take it

Dr. Pope is reading aloud from a
chapter of The Adonis Complex that de-
bunks common misconceptions about
anabolics—that they're only slightly ef-
fective (they're fantastically effective)
and that they'll immediately screw you
up (not usually). His point is: Why
wouldn't a guy gunning for musculari-
ty consider steroids? 1f he has checked
them out, he recognizes the truth and
concludes that doctors have exaggerat-
ed the problems and understated the
benefits.

At the same time, ће sees signs in our
society of a relaxed attitude toward
banned substances. More voices are
calling for an end to the war on drugs.
In the same way that medical-marijua-
па initiatives around the country spot-
light the positive effects of pot, the use
of anabolics in HIV and AIDS treat-
ments puts a different face on steroids.
We're unraveling the human genome,
there's talk of designer babies and cos-
metic surgery is so common it's note-
worthy only when it involves teenage
pop stars. In a time when researchers
talk frankly about cloning people in-
stead of sheep, can a guy be blamed for
wondering what harm can be caused
by a few shots of testosterone?

Human motivation is murky busi
ness, but Pope and his co-authors
blame a large percentage of steroid
use on what they call the Adonis com-
plex—a deep-seated discontent men

Marty
MURPHY

“It might interest you to know that Margot figures she's got one good lay left
in her, and then she’s calling it a career.”

157

PLAYBOY

have with their bodies, Their book pre-
sents this anxiety as a broad social phe-
nomenon of which steroid abuse 15 а
symptom. It is fostered, they propose,
by a pop culture that, through mov-
ies, magazines, comic books and sports,
foists on us a largely unattainable ideal of
manhood.

Body dissatisfaction is nothing new for
women, but it is for men. Forty-three
percent of guys in a 1997 survey were
unhappy with their appearance, near-
ly triple the number from a similar study
done in 1972. Thus the reported rise in
male cosmetic surgery and the fussy rou-
tines of vanity. We're putting the man in
manicure.

“I believe that the respect, admiration
and celebrity that professional football
players enjoy has led both boys and
men to think they have to be huge to be
men,” says Steve Gallaway, author of The
Steroid Bible and proprietor of anabol
icsteroids.com, a website dedicated to
steroids.

“I've been in this business 22 years,”
says Charles Yes: professor of kine-
siology at Pennsylvania State and editor
of the book Anabolic Steroids in Sport and
Exercise. “There's no doubt in my mind
that athletes play a role in the main-

streaming of steroids.”

Pope and his co-authors contend that
body anxiety is coded into our boys
Their book dwells at length on
figures, notably G.I. Joe. His rock-
ribbed fighting spirit has been
ingly matched by a brute phy
since his introduction in 1964. Beneath
his fatigues, that first model depicted a
normal adult body. By the mid-Nineties,
СА. Joe Extreme seemed like the hyper-
muscled product of a military gene lab—
were he a full-size man, he'd have а
35-inch chest and 27-inch biceps—"big-
ger than that of most competition body-
builders,” the book points out.

Toys, comic books and video games
(Duke Nukem guzzles steroids to boost
his power) are the stuff of modern boy-
hood. Do they push boys toward ste-
roid use in the same way that Barbie
dolls supposedly foster eating disorders
in girls?

“I certainly think it's true for young
men," Dr. Rosen says. "As they're pre-
sented with more unrealistic, unattain-
able ideas of what guys should be, they
have to reach further to meet that goal.”
In one survey, researchers let teenage
boys choose their ideal body types from
computer images. Most selected one un-

attainable without steroids.

Outgrowing their toys doesn't neces-
sarily curtail the desire. Men are bom-
barded by media images that celebrate
unnaturally muscular physiques: the
pumped-up human cartoons of profes-
sional wrestling, the chemically etched
models on the covers of fitness and mus-
cle magazines who are often paired with
gorgeous women in swimsuits. (Wright
allows that many men pictured in Flex
use steroids but says the magazine em-
phasizes nutrition and gym regimens.)

When Pope and his colleagues asked
college men to select a computer image
of an ideal body, on average they chose
one with 28 more pounds of muscle than
they had. (By contrast, middle-aged
men, perhaps surrendering to biological
inevitability, chose a body type similar to
their own.) In а study by Psychology Today.
men were asked how many years of their
lives they'd give up in exchange for
achieving their ideal body. Seventeen
percent said they'd sacrifice more than
three years.

It's also important not to underesti-
mate the role women play. It can be hard
to tell Га guy is pumping up for his own
self-esteem or because he wants to get
laid—or if there's a difference
have no idea until you experience it, the
feeling you will get to have girls every-
where checking you out,” boasts one
post on anabolicsteroids.com. “It must
be tough on those girls to see a physique
like mine, then go back to their average
Joe boyfriends.”

Says Wright, “Guys have been using
steroids to enhance their sexual experi-
ence for decades. There can be a big
effect on sexual stuff—attitude, perfor-
mance, etc."

Feminism, too, has had an impact.
One load-bearing pillar of the Adonis
of “threat-

complex theory is the id
ened masculinity.” That is,
have made inroads into trad у
masculine areas of achievement—board-
rooms, military, social clubs—some men
attempt to reestablish male dominance
by muscling up. “No matter the tri-
umphs of feminism.” Pope and compa-
ny write, “no matter what laws are passed
to ensure equality between the sexes,
no matter what crowning achievements
women accomplish, they will never, ever
be able to bench-press 350 pounds.”

It all sounds sensible and logical—the
insidious sway of pop culture, the fear of
assertive women—but Wright thinks it's
mostly shit. “My take is that media influ-
ence is а scapegoat for many factors that
cause people to exhibit self-destructive
behaviors or personality disorders,” he
says. "А more muscular G.I. Joe isn't go-
ing to inspire steroid use any more than
it’s going to create an overwhelming

He nurtures them.

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PLAYBOY

desire in a youngster to get a buzz cut
and invade Grenada."

He does allow that society's bulked-up
physical ideal contributes in a general
way to a guy's desire to be larger than
life, since, in the carnival atmosphere of
American culture, you have to be sen-
sational to get noticed. That's basically
what it’s about, Wright says: getting no-
ticed. Steroid users are driven by а pri-
mal urge to “be somebody"—not G.I.
Joe, just someone powerful and respect-
ed. А shirtful of muscles is a surefire way
to achieve that. “Give a young man a
choice between having an 10 of 170 and
a muscular body weight of 270,” he says,
“and there's no question in his mind
who's going to be the most popular and
influential.”

Heart disease. Prostate cancer. Liver
and kidney problems. High blood pres-
sure. Shrinking testicles. Impotence.
Baldness. Acne. Feminine breast tissue.
A decreased sex drive. Those are some
of the conditions routinely ascribed to
steroid abuse. In teenagers, excessive
use can stunt natural bone growth. Psy-
chological effects are said to include ag-
gressive behavior, even violence—so-
called roid rage. “These are dangerous
substances,” Dr. Alan Leshner of the Ма-
tional Institute on Drug Abuse declares
flatly.

One of the myths The Adonis Complex
ceks to dispel is that steroid use poses
immediate medical dangers. “There are
immediate psychological dangers and
long-term medical dangers,” Pope says.
“So I'm not saying the drugs aren't dan-
gerous. But if you ask a typical high
school boy who has used steroids, he'd
say he hasn't felt any physical effects and
that, anecdotally, he doesn't know any-
one who has.”

“Most data on the long-term effects of
anabolic steroids on humans come from
case reports rather than formal epidemi-
ological studies,” the NIDA's website tells
rom the case reports, the incidence
of life-threatening effects appears to be
low, but serious adverse effects may be
underrecognized or underreported. Da-
ta from animal studies seem to support
this possibility. One study found that ex-
posing male mice for one fifth of their
life span to steroid doses comparable to
those taken by human athletes caused a
high percentage of premature deaths.”

But the view from the other side of the
needle is that doctors have overdrama-
ized the risks of steroids while failing to
acknowledge how effective they are.

“Bodybuilders saw with their own eyes
the results of steroid use in the gym,”
Gallaway says. “As a result, the medical
community lost a lot of credibility.” He
doesn’t pretend there aren't dangers
“anabolic steroids are serious drugs that

160 have the potential to cause major side

effects," ће says—but wants to see the
drugs evaluated without hype.

Some side effects (acne, testicular at-
rophy) subside once a guy stops taking
steroids. Others don't. “Many steroid
users undergo liposuction to fix the gy-
necomastia" (the development of female
breast tissue), Gallaway says.

“Are anabolics really dangerous? ‘The
answer is absolutely not,” Wright says.
The proof is in the gym. he asserts,
where plenty of longtime users are not
dying of liver cancer or heart disease.
“There are a lot of people who take
steroids—I've known hundreds—and
they're basically pretty normal people.
It’s evident from the number of people
still alive that 25 years of continual use
hasn't done a whole lot of damage. This
isn't heroin."
the point in the debate where
someone usually brings up NFL great
Lyle Alzado, who believed that steroids
incubated his fatal brain tumor. But sci-
ence hasn't proved that link, Gallaway
says. Wright is more emphatic. "It cer-
tainly was not from steroids," he says.
“No case in the annals of medicine or sci-
ence has even remotely associated that
type of cancer with anabolic steroids. I
find it amazing that talk about steroids
leads to Lyle.”

Karl Friedl is research manager for
the Military Operational Medicine Re-
search Program. In a chapter on the
medical consequences of the drug in his
Anabolic Steroids in Sport and Exercise, he
plants himself in the middle ground of
the debate on medical side effects.
“From the evidence of studies of anabol-
ic steroid administration, it is not readily
apparent that we can attribute signi
cant adverse health effects to anabolic
steroids as a general class," ће wi
But he warns that specific types of ste-
roids foster specific health consequenc-
es. "An athlete would be foolish to con:
clude there is a safe way to use anabolic
steroids."

It seemed like the thing to do at the
time. James' girlfriend had just pissed
him ой, so he bent over, gota gonzo grip
on the bottom edge of her car and just.
turned the sucker over. "When you're
doing that kind of stuff,” he says of ste-
roids, “it's pretty easy to put your back
into it and go to town.”

OK, so it was a little four-banger Fi
ero, and it was sitting on an incline; he's
not exactly the Incredible Hulk. James
doesn't tell the story to illustrate his
strength, but rather to explain the ag-
gressive mood changes that came over
him while he was on steroids—which is
why he quit

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he says. "I was a big а:

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152

his book he cites а batch of dramatic,

JekylEHyde instances of users flying off

the handle: A bodybuilder with no his-
tory of instability is enraged by an in-
nocent remark by a convenience store
clerk. So he kidnaps and shoots her,
leaving her paralyzed. A cop with a clean
record gets juiced on steroids, beats up a
driver who cuts him off and eventual-
ly turns to crime and murder. In other
words, roid rage.

That was James, all right. “You'd be in
your car and some guy next to you
checks out your rig and you're like,
“What're you looking at?" Next thing you
know you're brawling in the street.”
That sort of thing persuaded James to
I wasn't very nice. I didn't like the
person I was becoming."

According to several studies, men who
take less than 300 milligrams of testos-
terone a week rarely go nuts. But doses
of 500 or 1000 milligrams—common in
illicit use—increase the incidence of ag-
gressive behavior.

For most users, that aggressiveness
manifests itself as an increased desire 10
work out; they channel it into the gym.
Profound personality changes are rare,
Pope stresses, and aren't confined to
bodybuilders; some men in their study
had never been near а gym. “You cant
explain it away as а personality defect,”
he says. He suspects some so-far-undis-
covered biological predisposition may be
at work.

Wright, however, senses a subtle de-
monizing of bodybuilding in the way
that the talk about roid rage has focused
largely on gym rats. “I don't believe
steroids make you psychotic,” Wright
says. Look at the many anabolic users in
the HIV community: “They are not be-

coming crazed partner-beaters, robbers
or criminals of any kind,” he says. “If
steroids are so dangerous, where are
all the reports of violence among those
individuals?”

Wright agrees that steroids may trig-
ger psychological problems in some men
who have a predisposition toward vi-
olent behavior. “It's personality fi
Wright insists. “I don't think that there's
any question about the chicken or the
egg here.”

The steroid phenomenon isn't
den. Unprescribed use of the drug is
legal, but it’s far from underground.
There are ads in the backs of respectable
magazines. Websites run coy disclaimers
about steroid users’ needing a doctor's
prescription, then offer detailed instruc-
tions for bodybuilding with anabolics-
a use doctors rarely prescribe for. Elite
athletes are booted from competition
or tainted with suspicion of enhanced
performance so often that the sight of.
Bulgarian weight lifters sent packing
from Sydney hardly raised an eyebrow.
"More and more," says steroid research-
er Charles Yesalis, "people have come
to believe that only stupid people get
caught."

It's no less blatant at the gym, where
steroids are the subject of elaborate net-
working arrangements. Seasoned users
mentor new ones. One contributor to
anabolicsteroids.com writes of a Miami
gym, "You could go into the bathroom
and find d-bols [Dianabol] on the floor.
Syringes stuck in the ceiling tiles.” Even
allowing for a degree of boastful ex-
aggeration, that's pretty blatant behav-
ior. Although Wright says steroid use is

probably higher in California and Flori-
da—areas that have flourishing body cul-
tures—you can find the drugs in gyms in
the smallest towns.

Mexico has long been a traditional

source of black-market anabolics. Last
year Australian journalist Mark Forbes
ventured into the pharmaceutical ba-
zaars of Tijuana for a series of articles
in The Age on the illicit trade of Auss
made steroids. He walked into a pet
store that carried a few token dog sup-
plies among the shelves of anabolic ste-
roids and loitered as wholesome Ameri-
can boys lined up to buy the drugs,
haggling over the price in time-honored
Tijuana fashion. "In 15 minutes the
store has sold nearly $20,000 worth of
steroids with not a peso spent on pet sup-
he wrote.
Walking into the trade in Tijuana was
an eye-opener,” he says. "The scale was a
genuine surprise. Guys were handing
over thousands of dollars. One told me
he was planning to resell back in the U.S.
for a healthy profit. A couple of older
guys came in and bought 20 or 30 vials,
clearly for dealing.”

If it's not Mexico, it's Europe or Asia,
thanks largely to the Internet. “What
we've started seeing are these Internet
pharmacies,” says Dean Boyd, a spokes-
man for the U.S. Customs Service, the
agency charged with intercepting ste-
roids. “They're based overseas, and they
will sell you anything, whether you have
a prescription for it or not.”

In January, Customs and Drug En-
forcement Agency officers busted two
men in New York City for receiving 3.25
million steroid pills—the largest seizure
of anabolics in US. history. It was part of
what Boyd identifies as an 87 percent in-
crease in steroid seizures in the last year,
from 1.3 million doses in fiscal 1999 to
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PLAYROY

MARTIAL ARTS

(continued from page 112)
many arts lack a sanctioning body. Those
that are sanctioned often have compet-
ing or overlapping organizations, such
as the Professional Karate Association,
World Karate Association and Karate In-
ternational Council of Kickboxing. Most
schools allow you to observe classes and
give you a free lesson, so be sure to use
it. Here's what to look for:

Students: One class ought to give you
‘ation of whether the students
are having fun or if they're too competi-
tive. Keep an eye on the senior-level stu-
dents and make sure they are competent
and available to help out the lower ranks.
Some schools rush students through a
black-belt program that promotes too
quickly, leading to students with lots of
certificates who don't know kung fu
from moo shu. Practice good self-de-
fense by avoiding these places.

Instructors: At the minimum, they
should be patient and capable of teach-
ing students without pummeling the tar
out of them. Look out for body-dam-
aging practices disguised as training or
tradition. Toughening up—everything
from bare-knuckle push-ups to roll-
ing bark-covered logs up and down the

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course in many martial arts. Some of this
may be good, but if the training hurts
worse than a mugging, what's the point?

Facilities: Check out the equipment.
Are there enough bags, pads and kicking
shields for everyone? Are students hud-
dled around a single crappy pad like
rain-forest villagers around a black-and-
white TV? Visit the lockers and showers.
Remember, you'll probably be barefoot,
and dojos are a prime locale for athlete's
foot and other fungal friends.

NO WISING ОРЕ GRASSHOPPER

Your classes are most likely to cost any-
where from $30 to $100 а month. That's
pretty cheap, considering you'll prol
bly go at least two days a week. Martial
arts instructors aren't paid much and
some even volunteer their time. Keep
that in mind when you walk in the door.
Every school has a list of rules, usually
along the lines of bowing when you en-
terand leave the workout area and using
what you learn in class only for self-de-
fense. Bowing shows respect for your
teachers, if only because they're emi-
nently capable of stomping you. Defer to
higher belts and instructors. Show up on
time, don't talk when the teacher (usual-
ly referred to as sensei, sifu or master) €x-

plains something, don't chew gum and
always use good hygiene.

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR PROGRESS

All the classes in the world aren't
worth a damn if you're not getting bet-
ter. Improvement isn't always belts or
rankings. Some studies don't even use
them. Truly measuring your prog.
will depend on your martial art. With
external arts (the more physical arts),
look for greater strength, speed and
agility. Combinations (sets of offensive
or defensive movements) should be exe-
cuted quickly. Internal arts such as t'ai-
chi-ch'uan and aikido emphasize the
development of inner power (ki or
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greater flow with the art's movements

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tial. Good fighters don't become frazzled
when things get hectic. Mental aware-
ness keeps you from freezing up in tight
situations. Isn't that why you're doing
this in the first place?

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PLAYBOY

166

superloys: Deadly

(continued from page 98)
necessary.” Henry Swinton had recently
equipped the serving man with an up-
date. It had affected his walking skills,
which were now less certain. This made
him appear quite realistic as an older
man, and so had not been corrected. He
now spoke in a more human way. Swin-
ton liked him better.

She called Henry on the Ambient. His
face came up smiling in the globe.

“Monica, hi! How's tricks? It looks as if
the takeover is going to happen. I'm due
to talk to Havergail Bronzwick in nine
minutes. If we can clinch it, the deal will
make Synthmania the biggest synthetics
company in the world, bigger than any-
thing in Japan or the States.”

Monica listened alertly, although she
realized that her husband was rehears-
ing the speech he planned to deliver to
Bronzwick.

“When 1 think about where we've
come from, Monica . . . if this deal goes
through, I'll—we'll—immediately be
3 million mondos richer. I already
have great plans for us. We'll move to a
bigger place, trade in David and Ted-
dy for some of the new batch, buy an
island ——"

Will you be home soon?"

The question brought Henry го а halt.
He said cautiously, "You know I have to
be away this weck. I hope to get back
Monday ” She switched off.

Sitting in her swivel chair, hands
clasped, she could hear David and Ted-
dy, still sliding on the pond, and their
small cries of merriment. Perhaps they
would continue forever. She rose, press-
ing open the window, and called, “Come

in now, children, Go upstairs and play.”

“All right, Mommy!” David called.
He climbed from the frozen pond and
turned to help Teddy over the plas-
toid lip.

“I'm getting so fat, David,” said Teddy.

“You were always quite fat, Teddy.
"That's what 1 like about you. It makes
you cuddly.”

They scampered through the front
door, which squelched shut behind
them. Upstairs they went, simulating jol-
lity. “Race you!” David called to Teddy. It
was so childlike, Monica thought with a
certain melancholy, watching their heels
disappear behind the banister.

The clock of her Ambient chimed
five and the machine switched on. She
turned to it and was soon networking.
All around the planet, people began to
discuss religious issues. Some dispatched
electronic thoughts. Others showed pho-
to montages they had made.

“I need God because I am alone so fre-
quently,” said Monica to the multitude.
“But I don't know where he is. Maybe he

“Are you mad enough to think that
God lives a country existence? God is
everywhere!”

“God is only a prayer away wherever
you live.

"Of course you are alone. God is noth-
ing but a concept invented by unhappy
men. Get a life, darling, Check into the
neurosciences."

"It's because you think you are alone
that God cannot get to you."

She worked her way through the an-
swers, recording them, for two hours.
Then she switched off the Ambient
and sat in silence. Silence prevailed up-

"She easily holds up to two tons of cocaine or as many as
30 medium-sized illegals.”

stairs, also.

One day, she was determined, she
would make a valuable synthesis of the
messages she received. A synthesis
would be valuable. Her name would be-
come known. She would then dare to
walk—with a guard—in the city streets.
People would say, “Why, that's Monica
Swinton!”

She shook herself from her daydream.
Why was David so quiet?

David and Teddy sprawled on the
floor of their room together, looking at a
vidbook. They giggled at the antics of
the performing animals. A chubby little
elephant in tartan trousers kept falling
over a drum that rolled down a street to-
ward a river.

"Hc is going to go in that river, sooner
or later," said Teddy, between chortles.

They both looked up at Monica.
She stooped, picked up the book and
snapped it shut.

“Haven't you tired of this toy yet?” she
asked. “You've had it for three years.
You know exactly what's going to hap-
pen to that silly little elephant.”

David hung his head, though he was
used to his mother’s disapproval. “We
just like what's going to happen, Mom-
my. I bet if we watch it again Elly will roll
right into the river. It’s so funny."

“But we won't watch it if you don't
want us to,” Teddy added.

She repented her outburst; after all,
she knew their limitations. Setting the
book down on the carpet she said
with a sigh, "You'll never grow up.”
ng to grow up, Mommy.
This morning I watched a natural histo-
ry program on DIV.”

Monica smiled. She asked what David
had learned. He told her he had learned
about dolphins. “We are part of the nat-
ural world, aren't we, Mommy?”

When he lifted his arms to her for
a cuddle, she backed away, her mind
choked with the thought of being im-
prisoned forever in eternal childhood,
never developing, never escaping.

“I expect Mommy's ever so busy,” said
David to Teddy when Monica had left.

They sat, the two of them, looking at
each other. Smiling

Henry Swinton was dining with Pe-
trushka Bronzwick. A couple of decora-
tive blondes accompanied them at the
table. The restaurant, an expensive one
with a real skylight in the ceiling to let in
summer light, featured an anachronistic
tet playing nearby. Synth
спау takeover of Haverga
PLC was proceeding satisfac-

torily; lawyers were due to complete all
documents by the day after tomorrow.
Petrushka and Henry, with their ladies,
were tucking into sucking pigs, sizzling

ide the table, washing down

on spits b

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blonde who called herself Bubbles.
She belonged to Petrushka Bronzwick.
She mopped her chin with a damask
napkin. “I could go on eating forever,
couldn't you?”

Ignoring her, leaning forward to ges-
ture with his knife and fork, Henry said,
“We have to keep ahead of the competi-
tion, Pet. Every cubic centimeter of the
cerebral cortex in the human brain con-
tains 50 million nerve cells, That's what
we're up against. The day of synthetic
brains is over. Gone. We're manufactur-
ing real brains from yesterday on.”

“Sure,” agreed Petrushka, bending to
cut another slice, waving away the waiter
who sprang forward. “Waiters are so
stingy with portions.” Her silvery laugh
was famous, and dreaded in some quar-
ters. She appeared to be just into her
20s, already on Preservanex, spectrally
slender, with short multicolored hair,
blue eyes and a slight twitch in her left
multicolored cheek. "We're talking 100
million nerve cells. The question, Henry,
remains one of funding."

Taking a succulent mouthful before
replying, Henry said, "Synthmania's
Cresswell tape will take care of that little
item. You've seen the figures. Produc-
tion is up again this year, 14 percent.
The GNP of Kurdistan is peanuts by
comparison. Cresswell was our first big
line, back when we were Synthank. The
Cresswell has conquered the world.”

“Sure, I've got a Cresswell in me,” said
Angel Pink. She pointed downward to
her lap with one dainty finger. To un-
derline her point, she added—sideways
glance at Henry—“It's in me all the
time.”

Henry granted her a twinkle and one
of his favorite spiels. “Three quarters of
this overpopulated world is starving. Yet
we have had, for quite some time, more
than enough of everything, thanks to the
capping of population production. Obe-
sity has been more of a problem than
malnutrition."

о, so true," sighed Bubbles. Red
lips, white teeth, she nibbled on a golden
strand of crackling.

“Is there anybody in the West who
doesn't have a Cresswell in their small
intestine?" Henry asked rhetorically,
shaking his head by way of answer
Cresswell was a nanobiologist of genius,
and Um the man who found him and
gave him a job. This safe parasitic worm
enables anyone to eat up to 100 per-
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"It is certainly one of yesterday's great
inventions," said Petrushka, looking just
a bit spiteful. "Our Senoram is nearly as
profitable."

"Costs more," said Bubbles, but her
remark was lost as Angel Pink clapped
her pretty little hands. “We're going to
make a killing!” She raised her glass

“Here's to you two clever people!”

Responding to the toast, Swinton

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PLAYBOY

168

wondered where she got the “we
She would pay for that error.

" from.

Monica Swinton was about to go ski-
ing. The serving man accompanied her
to the cabin installed in the callerium.
He proffered his arm in a courteous
manner and she accepted it. She loved
that touch of grace. It evoked for her a
distant half-forgotten childhood where
there had been. She had forgotten what
there had been. Perhaps a loving father?

In the cabin, she dialed “Mountain
Snow.” Down it came, blizzard force. Vis-
ibility was bad. A rare tree was shroud-
ed in white. She was utterly alone.

Once she gained the shelter, she went
in to rest, panting, before strapping on
her skis. The challenge was the cold, the
remorseless elements. She had met it,
beaten them. The storm was ending and
the sun gleamed on the pure mande of
snow. She adjusted the mask on her face
and plunged downhill. In a great ex-
hilarating rush, her body braced itself
against the mad, the roaring, the furi-
ous, the insupportable air. Behind the
mask, her mouth opened in a shriek of
purest joy. This was freedom—this em-
brace of gravity!

It was over. She stood alone, naked, in
the enclosing cubicle.

She dressed and emerged. Time, per-
haps, for a sip of vodka. United Dairies
vodka came with milk ready-mixed.

David and Teddy stood outside the
callerium uneasily. “We were only play-

ing, Mommy,” said David.

“We didn't make a noise,” said Teddy.
“It was Jules who made a noise, falling
over”

Mrs. Swinton turned to see Jules on
the floor, his left leg slowing,
his fall, he had reached for suppor
brought down the reproduction Ki
ski, of which she was proud. It lay shat-
tered beside the serving man's cranium.
The cranium had split open, revealing
the auditory and speech matrix.

Mrs. Swinton fell to her knees beside
the body, and David said, “It doesn't
really matter, Mommy. He's only ап
android.”

“You can buy us another,” said Teddy.

“Oh, God, poor Jules! He was such a
friend to me.” She pressed her hand to
her face.

“You can buy us another, Mommy,”
said David. He timidly touched her
shoulder.

She turned on him. “And what do you
think you are? You're only a little an-
droid yourself.”

As soon as the words were out, she re-
gretted them. But David was emitting a
kind of scream, a scream in which words
were tangled. "Not .. . not an android...
real . . . real like Teddy . . . like you,
Mommy . . . only you don't love me
my program . . . never loved те:
an in small circles and, when
failed him, ran for the stairs, still
screaming.

Teddy followed him. Monica rose to
her feet and stood trembling over the
body of the serving man, She covered
her eyes with her hands. A series of

“Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether she’s going out or coming in!”

crashes came from above and, warily, she
went to the stairs to investigate.

Teddy lay sprawled on the carpet, his
arms outstretched. David knelt over
him. Не had opened Teddy's tummy
and was investigating its interior.

Teddy saw her look of horror. “It's
all right, Mommy. I let David do it
We're trying to find out if we're real or—

urrrp—”"

David had removed a plug from high
in the bear's chest, near the stabilizer,
where the heart's left ventricle would
have been in a human.

“Poor Teddy. He's dead. He really was
a machine. So that means——"

David waved his hands uncontrollably
and one flew back to strike his face. It
cracked.

"David! Don't! We can repair——"

“Stop speak!” He shouted the words
forcibly as, jumping up, he rushed past
her, out of the room and started jump-
ing down the stairs. She stood over the
inert teddy bear, listening to the crash-
ing below. Of course, she thought, his
eyes can no longer focus. His poor little
face has come apart.

She must call Henry for help. Henry
must come home.

A brilliant crackling sounded, the in-
tense sputter of freed electricity. Daz-
zling light. Darkness.

“Рау But she was falling.

David had struck the house's control
center, wrenching it from the wall in a
fury of pain and despair. Everything
stopped playing.

The house disappeared, and the раг-
den with и. David stood in the midst of a
skeletal structure of wired scaffolding,
bedded here and there in breeze-blocks.
Rubble lay underfoot. Acrid smoke drift-
ed at ground level.

He stood there a long time, then made
his way forward, treading over where
the house had been, threading through
where the snowy garden had been
where he had played so often with his
friend Teddy.

He stood in an alleyway. Old pave-
ment was slimy underfoot. Weeds grew
between slabs. The detritus of an
lier epoch lay at his feet. He kicked a
crushed can that read “oca-Col.”

A drowsy light prevailed over all: the
summer's day was coming to a clos
David could not see clearly but with
right eye caught sight of a spindly rose
growing by a crumbling b wall.
Crossing to the plant, he plucked a bud.
Its beauty and softness reminded him of
Mommy.

He retraced his steps back through
the wreckage. Over her body he said, “I
am human, Mommy. | love you and I
feel sad, so 1 must be human. Mustn't 12”

CHRIS MATTHEWS

(continued from page 84)
this hybrid background.
PLAYBOY: Like others of this ilk, will it
contain a prescription for America?
MATTHEWS: You're building it up, and
I'm not going to build it up. I write
about the Peace Corps, about working
for Tip, about working for Carter. It's
ћ step affected

ways the appeal of zealotry, but my air-
ne has windows in it. That's how I'm
different from these other guys. I don't
tell people to get into the plane and keep.
the windows shut. I say look out the win-
dow while we're flying and decide where
we're going. It's like I do the show. I say,
“Wait a minute, there's another point of
view here.” J don't try to say this is what
I think is gospel.
PLAYBOY: You'll be going head-to-head
with Fox News’ Bill O'Reilly's second
book. What if he outsells you?
MATTHEWS: I'm a competitive guy, but I
just want it to be about what's true and
valuable and me. O'Reilly's is about be-
ing permanently blue-collar and having
this attitude that the elite are pushing
you around, and "Morley Safer jumped
ahead of me in line once." Mine's a little
different. You can call ita memoir if you
want, but it’s mainly about how I devel-
oped my sort of hard-to-read politics.
PLAYBOY: Give us the short course
MATTHEWS: | have a complicated political
closet. My dad was a Presbyterian who
became a Catholic after getting married.
A classic moderate Republican: self-re-
liance, nobody needs government, pay
your taxes and obey the law. He was a
court reporter in Philadelphia, and all
he saw was crime and problems. Mom
was a class rish Catholic. Her father
was Charles Shields, a Democratic com-
mitteeman from North Philadelphia. In
"atholic school there was a strong iden-
tification between religion and the ene-
my. Stalin was the bad guy. It was very
Manichacan, good and evil
PLAYBOY: How strongly does your Ca-
tholicism resonate in your job?
MATTHEWS: I'm not saying we're better
than anyone else, but truth is a big thing
to Catholics. | grew up in the post-
World War П era. Catholics were just be-
ginning their period of assimilation into
ciety. Out of that came an attempt
i groups—the Pol-

plays, almost like George
M. Cohan. We marched up and down
the avenuc in front of our school, with
flags and everything. It was the Bishop
She i i

Communist, pro-Ame
God Bless America,
fight for your faith, this is the Blessed

Country. Mary is the patron saint of
America. But I'm not a tribal Mick. I'm a
lot more liberal than that, a lot more tol-
erant. I think diversity is a positive thing.
But instead of using the word diversity,
I'd like to see the word American. We're
a melting pot, remember? In the end,
what connects is the way we resolve our
differences: democratically and with re-
spect for minority rights. That’s what
us American. That's what this
country is about. We should stop being
so hard on one another.

PLAYBOY: Sounds like the gospel accord-
ing to Chris Matthews after all.
MATTHEWS: Well, 175 not as if 1 haven't
tried to come to some Бей
PLAYBOY: For instance?
MATTHEWS: The idea of a living income. I
believe this society should i
between people who work and try to
contribute, and those who don't. Maybe
that’s too judgmental, but if I see a per-
son at six o'clock in the morning, in a
tough neighborhood, catching a bus for
work, that person deserves health care
and a living income. At a certain level,
life is really just work. Real work is car-
rying two-by-fours around all day. It's a
guy washing a window on the 27th floor.
These people should be treasured.
PLAYBOY: What else?

MATTHEWS: 1 don't necessarily feel any
sort of sympathy for guys on death row.
1 don't have sympathy—more than the
natural—for drug addicts.

PLAYBOY: Guns and school violence?
MATTHEWS: Chuck Schumer said some-
thing really intelligent the other day. We
can outlaw state-of-the-art semiautomat-
ics that can be converted into automat-
ics. We can outlaw assault rifles. But you
can't get rid of .22 handguns. It's a stu-
pid argument in America. That kind of
weaponry is endemic to American life.
They're what fathers in Kansas teach
their kids to use. Schumer recognized
that there's a blue-and-red thing going
on here—and it's not going to be gone.
So what you do is ask, what do the blue
and the red have in common? The an-
swer: a sense of personal responsibility.
Schumer said parents have to accept a
certain level of responsibility. Why does
the father have the gun in the house?
Teaching? Hunting? Safety? Fine, but
find a way to keep that gun away from
the kid. Don't put it in a glass cabinet so
the kid can look at it all day. Also, work
with the NRA, figure out ways to
a parent's gun being used in a crime.
PLAYBOY: What about the anger that caus-
es kids to kill their cl 2
MATTHEWS: IF you put 30 kids in a class-
room and each one of them has a gun—
a loaded .38 police special, the standard
revolver—how long will it take for one of
them to kill another one? Maybe, in a
nice, proper school, where everybody is
sort of upper middle class and pleasant

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170

other and insult each other pleasantly, it
would take a couple months. At another
school, where they're a little more basic
in their way of fighting with each other,
it could take a couple hours. There's а
caste system in high school, and it's bru-
tal. Every time you read about one of
these cases, scrawny is the word used.
The kid obviously was picked on. High
school never goes away. Some people
still want to go back to it; that’s why
there are reunions. I went back two
weeks ago to my high school, and I was
put in the Hall of Fame. There are 10 or
20 guys in it. One came up to me—he's
a doctor, a real smart guy and we used
to hang around together a lot—and he
said, “Isn't it great that one of us got it,
and not one of the big athletes?” To me,
that captured the feeling that we all
shared. High school reunions tend to be
celebrations of previous conquests, by
the people who were the stars. A lot of
guys in my class will not go back under
any circumstance.

PLAYBOY: What about abortion?
MATTHEWS: Abortion is generally a moral
problem with me. But I also ask myself if
I want to live in a society where there is
so much repression and state power that
someone can stop a woman from having
this procedure. That's a big question
that a lot of people don't answer. Ninety-
five percent of the country would like
to see less abortion, and they certainly
don't want it used as a birth-control de-
vice. But in the end, if the price is a soci-
ety in which people lack basic personal
internal freedom, that's an awful high
price to pay.

PLAYBOY: Let's wrap this up by playing
some hardball. Can you name a base-
ball team——

MATTHEWS: I have never allowed baseball
metaphors or references on the show
Hardball is not about baseball, из about
hardball. It's in The New York Times now:
On the front page last week, it was “Bush
is playing hardball.” Partially because of
me, hardball is now a term in the Amer-
ican political dictionary.

PLAYBOY: We mean name a team of your
own, staffed with your regular guests.
MATTHEWS: Oh. OK. Without offending
anyone, I hope.

Howard Fineman: Lead-off batter,
catcher. Howard has never let me down.
I say, “What happened today?” and he
tells me. He knows whats going on that
hour. He can not only report, he can di-
gest and he can analyze and he can ex-
Cite. The poor thing about Howard is, he
doesn't know he's that good.

Third base, the hot corner: Christo-
pher Hitchens. He's spectacular at “The
Buzz,” the nitty-gritty segment at the
end of the show. That was my producer
Phil Griffin’s idea. Hitchens is a genius—
he's so tough, so British. I think Chris
was the model for the hard-drinking,
brilliant writer who was always in trouble
in Bonfire of the Vanities.

PLAYBOY: So what do you think of Al
Sharpton?

MATTHEWS: I had to be sold on him, but
he's great stuff. Of course, you've got the
Tawana Brawley problem, and I guess
we could bring that up every night and
remind everybody of it. 1 don't think he
should be forgiven for it, nor should it be

“Due to the sensational nature of this case, Гт going
to ask everyone to get naked.”

forgotten. But talk about rock-and-roll
stars—he has that aspect. As long as
we have this divided society, and а cou-
ple million people in New York who are
completely rejected as part of the main-
stream of the operation, there is going
to be a leader who comes to the fore
and says he represents those down-and-
out people. That's Sharpton. Give him
left field.

PLAYBOY: Who's shortstop?

MATTHEWS: Carville.

PLAYBOY: When you recently had him as
а guest, you two were really going at it.
MATTHEWS: Look at the tape. 1 wasn't
fighting with him. I was coldly taunting
him to the level of almost explosion—
and that’s what I wanted to do. Sure, the
next morning Imus said Carville beat
me; I can live with that. What I can't live
with is the perception that we screamed
back and forth. I’m the moderator. I
can't win that shouting match. People
think you control the show, but you
don't control the show if the other guy
wants to shout. All you can do is control
yourself and to some extent taunt him in
the direction you want. I was pushing
him because Carville just comes on the
show and bullshits.

PLAYBOY: Is Doris Kearns Goodwin on
the team?

MATTHEWS: Center field. She always has
a great, deep answer for everything.
Put Bill Buckley in right. John Fund at
first base.

PLAYBOY: Some people find Fund smug
and annoying, though more so on oth-
er shows.

MATTHEWS: I don't. He's fun. That weird
kind of smirk gets to you, but he's very
friendly and supportive of the program.
I appreciate that. Ha! How’s that?
[Pauses] But look, the Wall Street Journal
editorial page is not a bastion of diversi-
ty. It has a strong Catholic feel to
moralistic. But nobody's always
and if you say you're always right, you're
an idiot or a fraud.

PLAYBOY: Who else?

MATTHEWS: Put Norah O'Donnell on sec-
ond base [laughs]. This is going to offend
so many people. But уоште naming
names.

PLAYBOY: And you're just being sponta-
neous. What about Pat Caddell?
MATTHEWS: Oh, you gotta have Caddell.
Designated hitter.

PLAYBOY: Wasn't he once a Democrat?
MATTHEWS: [Laughs] He is. 1 had dinner
with him at Warren Beatty's house one
night. He is a complete liberal. But like
me he's angry about the Clinton thing.
As a group, the Carter people don't like
the Clinton people. Нез a total loyalist
to the party.

PLAYBOY: And who's on the mound, firing
the hardballs?

MATTHEWS: [Smiles] Gotta be me.

Baseball (continued from page 142)

If you're tired of reading about money squabbles and

boorish players,

stop reading and focus on the game.

Henderson—and certainly none could
hit with Rickey Henderson's power. Slug-
gers in the early Thirties had years like
Frank Thomas, Manny Ramirez and
Mark McGwire have today, but there
were no pitchers, not even the great
Lefty Grove, who shut down hitters the
way Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Rog-
er Clemens and Pedro Martinez have
over the last few seasons. Each golden
era has had catlike middle infielders and
rock-steady third basemen, but there
have never been so many complete pack-
ages at those positions: Chipper Jones
and Troy Glaus (in his second full year
he set an American League record for
home runs hit by a third baseman with
47), Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, No-
mar Garciaparra, Roberto Alomar and
Craig Biggio. What catcher ever com-
bined the hitting consistency and power
of Mike Piazza or the all-around ability
of Pudge Rodriguez?

If you're tired of reading about money
squabbles and boorish players and rock-
brained owners, and the politics and
economics of baseball, you have every

right to be. Stop reading about those
things and focus on the game.

“There's a cure for what's wrong with
baseball. It’s called baseball, and here's
an all-star team of contemporary greats
who rank with the greatest of any era:

First base: 15 Mark McGwire the great-
est home run hitter in baseball histo-
ry? He's the all-time single-season home
run champ (70), the all-time two-season
champ (135: 70 plus 65 in 1999), the all-
time three-season champ (193: 1999,
1998 and 1997, when he hit 58), the all-
time four-season champ (245; taking to-
gether 1999, 1998, 1997 and 1987, when
he hit 49 with Oakland), the all-time
five-year home run champ (287; includ-
ing 1999, 1998, 1997, 1987 and 1992,
when he hit 42).

Second base: Forget the spitting in-
cident that has hounded him—Rober-
to Alomar is one of the five or six best
ever at his position and the American
League's best second baseman in more
than half a century. He's an eight-time
Gold Glove winner, an 11-time All Star
and a career .304 hitter with eight sea-

sons over .300, and he has one of the
highest stolen base percentages (416 of
516 for 81 percent) in baseball history. If
Roberto Alomar and Rogers Hornsby
both tried out for your second base job,
who would you pick? Both. But you'd
ask Hornsby to play first base.

Shortstop: Alex Rodriguez is such a
good fielder you'd play him for his
glove. His career batting average is 309
and he has hit 125 home runs over the
last three seasons. That makes 189 for
his career, and he won't be 26 until after
the 2001 All Star game. He has more
home runs now than Hall of Fame short-
stops Pee Wee Reese and Phil Rizzuto
had combined. It’s probably too early to
call A-Rod the best ever—Honus Wag-
ner played for 21 seasons before his con-
temporaries gave him that accolade. But
at this rate, he should have a spot re:
served for a plaque in Cooperstown by
the age of 30.

‘Third base: At the age of 29, the
Braves’ Chipper Jones has 189 home
runs, has driven in 635 runs, hit over
-300 four times, won an MVP award and
played in three World Series. At the
same age, Mike Schmidt, by consensus
the greatest all-around third baseman in
baseball history, had 190 home runs and
552 RBI and had yet to bat .300, win an
MVP or play in a World Series.

Outfield: If Barry Bonds doesn't mea-
sure up to the level of his godfather,

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PLAYBOY

172

Willie Mays, he comes close. Bonds is 36
and has 494 home runs; at the same age,
Mays had 564. Bonds has had ninc sca-
sons of 100-plus RBI; at the same age,
Mays had 10. Mays’ career average was
.302 to Bonds’ .289, but Bonds’ on-base
ntage is .412, 25 points higher than
Willie's, and Bonds has more stolen bas-
es, 471 in 15 seasons to Mays’ 338 in 23
seasons.

Ken Griffey Jr. is so far ahead of Babe
Ruth's and Hank Aaron's home run pace
that it no longer seems a case of if he'll
pass them up but simply when. Griffey is
31 and has 438 home runs. At the same
age, Aaron had 398 and Ruth 356. Ju-
nior measures up to the all-time home
run kings in other areas of the game as
well. Нез stolen more bases than either
Aaron or Babe at the age of 31, and he's
considered by some the best fielder in
the outfield’s most demanding spot (and
has 10 Gold Gloves to prove it).

Boston's Manny Ramirez is on a pace
perhaps as remarkable as Griffey's. Ва-
mirez is 29 and in cight major league
seasons (totaling 967 games), he’s batted
in an incredible 804 runs. In his last two
'asons, Ramirez has driven in 287 runs
in 265 games, a per-game pace worthy of
Lou Gehrig at his peak.

Catcher: The Texas Rangers’ Pudge

Rodriguez might well have won back-to-
back MVP awards except for an injury
last season that took him out after 91
games. Still, he hit .347 with 27 home
runs. Over the last four seasons Pudge

has hit .313, .321, and .347 and
earned three Gold Glove:
seasons like this and he may be going
for the unofficial title of Greatest Catch-
ег Ever.

Pitching: The old-timers will tell you
the hitters are hitting so great because
the pitchers are so bad. Then how to ex-
plain Pedro Martinez? Martinez has now
had three seasons more impressive than
that of Lefty Grove, the man Bill James
called in 1985 “the greatest pitcher of all
time, period.” In 1931, Grove's best year,
Grove posted an ERA of 2.06 while the
American League as a whole was 4.38.
That means Grove was a remarkable
2.32 better than the average. Last sea-
son, Pedro was 1.74, while the AL was
4.91, a difference of 3.17. There is no
doubt that Lefty was great, but
three best seasons so far Pedro Marti-
nez has been better at preventing runs
than Grove.

And let's not forget closers. You can't
compare the great relievers of modern
baseball—Mariano Rivera, Robb Nen,
Trevor Hoffman—with the great reliev-
ers of Cobb's, Ruth's, DiMaggio's era be-
cause there weren't any back then to com-
pare with the grcat ones today.

So forget what your dad or granddad
told you, and start letting your kids in on
the greatness they're getting for your
money. These are the good old days.

SORRY.
THATS JusT
The вее
TALKING.

Marriage

(continued from page 109)
ill single. And I remember all of the
reasons for being single that I've heard
from my friends. You'll probably recog-
nize a few of them.

* You can indulge all your fantas
being a rock star, academic or astron:
without anyone saying, "Don't be ri-
diculous. You don't know the first thing
about physics" or "But you promised
you would go to Sunday brunch with my
parents."

* You can remain an immature, rebel-
lious runt.

* You can piss in empty soda bottles
when you can't be bothered to leave
your room and walk down the hall to the
bathroom.

* You never have to call and tell some-
one where you are.

* You can go to the movies alone and
not argue with anyone about what to see
or, afterward, discuss what it meant.

* You can eat Honey-Nut Cheerios
from the box while watching V/.P—with
no one there to say “Use a bowl!” or
“Why are you watching that crap?”

* You get to daydream about who
you're going to make out with on New
Year's Eve.

е Iwo natural highs: the excitement
of new affairs and the anonymity of ho-
tel rooms.

* Russian girls.

It’s one thing to talk shite, but it's an-
other to speak the truth. After some in-
tense conversations with friends, both
married and single, 1 can say with con-
viction that the odds are strongly in fa-
vor of staying single until you're ab-
solutely ready to commit (if ever). We
talked about some of the things mar-
riage means, then looked at the upsides
and the downsides.

Marriage means you've settled down.

Pro: I suppose, if 1 think really hard,
this would mean you're satisfied with
your lot in life. That you can be trusted
not to quit your job, buy a secondhand
Land Rover, puta Pizza Hut tablecloth
on your head and travel the Silk Road.
‘That you're comfortable in your own
skin—and hers, too. That it’s onward
and upward from here.

Con: Ever seen that look on the face of
a married man? The kind who drools
over an Audi T T at a car show but drives
away in the family minivan? That guy's
going postal. From what I've seen, a
properly functioning marriage is any-
thing but settled— particularly if there
arc kids involved. Married people move
ага feverish pace. They re rushing to get
home for dinner or to pick up the kids
or to take the babysitter home. (OK, so
maybe there are some perks.) There's a

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reason for the high divorce rate. I'm not
about to wear myself out trying to make
a marriage work until I'm completely
bored with being able to drop every-
thing to go to a baseball game during the
day or to a concert at night, or to sleep
uniil dinnertime on Saturday.

Tivo salaries are better than one.

Pro: First you save on rent, then you
invest in а house and your net worth
starts heading north. There's an extra
room for your CDs or power tools. You
eat out less; you watch more videos. To-
gether, you stockpile little bits of savings
that you either keep or blow on trips to
warm and sexy places.

Con: What you want is a woman who
can support you both. Two salaries al-
so means two sets of bills and countless
conversations about money and how to
spend it. Deciding where to go for din-
ner on a date is tough enough. Plus, you
quickly realize you need two salarics—
you want to save for college tuitions, for
family trips to Wally World, for a back-
yard grill for Memorial Day cookouts.
Also, upward mobility can be dead bor-
ing. Matt, 33, recently took a trip to an
old buddy's summerhouse: "Everybody
is in a couple. They sit around and grill
and talk about clothes and houses and
even school сїз. The lake is beau-
tiful, and his wife OK'd the money for
a new BÜ-horsepower Mercury for the
Whaler—but by 10 o'clock, it's lights out.
Dull.”

The sex is always there for the taking.

Pro: You don’t have to pack clothes for
the morning. You don't have to go out to
dinner first. No dating necessary

Con: Leaving afterward in the middle
of the night can be problematic.

All the pressure is off.

Pro: The uneasy sense of transience in
your life is banished. Her feeling that
you're holding out is gone. You can relax
and enjoy—instead of having her on
your back, she'll be patting or rubbing it.
Once your futures are inexorably con-
nected, you encourage each other in-
stead of competing with cach other or
feuding about trivialities.

Con: There's al pressure. One of
my married friends explained it like this:
“I knew early on that I was eventual-
ly going to marry my girlfriend Sarah.
But I wanted to have my say about the
timing of it. | erected what I call the
Knights ‘Templars lines of defense—
think of them as concentric rings of cas-
1 wall to go: giving her a
my dresser, Chen, sharing the
keys. Next one was living together, and,
after that, marriage, Then I thought it
would stop. But it never ends. After that,
the d-to-hand combat in the castle
tower begins. There's having a baby, get-
ting a bigger house, having another ba-
by, spending half of your vacation days

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PLAYBOY

174

at her parents’ place, schools and on
and on.”

Marriage is respected.

Pro: Bosses give you more responsibil-
ity and treat you better. Banks will loan
you money to build a home. No more
dirty looks from your friend's wife as you
hit on her little sister.

Con: Building a home equals suburbia
equals commuting time. Better to stay
close to where the nightlife is. There's no
better feeling than stumbling home from
a bar at four am. and waking up your
roommate to tell him you've fallen in
love with somebody new—for the third
night in a row. It’s creepy and weird
when people get married too young.

Му girlfriend would be happy.

Pro: Whether she admits it or not,
around the 30-year mark, she's start-
ing to feel some anxiety. Even if she’s
opposed to marriage, she’s faced with
constant questions. Plus, she will always
have a creeping doubt about loyalty. If it
takes a ring on your finger to allay all of
that, so be it. She'll be able to put the so-
cial desperation behind and feel confi-
dent about the relationship. And it will
be easier to go watch the Rose Bowl at
Andy's place, as she'll know you won't
get piss drunk and drop out of sight for
a few days while you nurse the hangover.
In fact, you can have Andy over to your
place and she'll have to help you roll out
the pizza dough and stir the soup mix in-
to the sour cream on game day.

Con: Just because you're not planning

to walk down the aisle right away, you
don't have to take marriage off the table
altogether. Everybody hooks up eventu-
ally, I'm told. My friend Steve, a hard-
core bachelor, says, “It's always a good
idea to make a woman think that she
could marry you—the sex is much bet-
ter and you get more blow jobs and lit-
tle presents.” And she can tell her
friends about how you're willing to talk
about it, which means she can hold her
own during table talk on girls’ night out.

Makes my girlfriend's parents happy.

Pro: You can count on a big drop-off
on the tension meter during those rare
occasions when уоште forced into din-
ner with them. You might get an extra
present at Christmas. And her mother
might actually deign to speak to you—
though this, of course, is of question-
able value.

Con: Who the fuck cares?

Makes my parents happy.

Pro: You've finally proved to them
that you're straight. You also know how
much your parents would like to lavish
attention on a grandchild. And it's not a
selfish desire on their part—they want to
be able to contribute to the happiness
and education of another generation.
They want to see you grow up, to put
yourself in a situation where you can
prove your selflessness. (Self-absorption
is childish and unattractive.) Plus, a wife
might help you remember family birth-
days and anniversaries—getting cards

"It's an air bag."

on time is bound to make them hap-
ру, too.

Con: Feeling pressure from your par-
ents? Please. You're on your own. Unless
you're taking money from them or living
in the basement, you have no worries.
Besides, if you are living in your parents’
basement, you're not getting any any-
way, and your prospects of marriage are
bleaker than the future of the XFL.

Because everyone says so.

Pro: Your family loves her, your
friends say it’s time and your friends’
wives are saying you'd be nuts to let this
one get away. And it's a lot easier to hang
out with your married friends when you
also have a wife. Suddenly, long week-
ends together make sense, and your
friend's wife doesn't treat you like a bad
habit.

Con: It's not difficult to change the
minds of all those people who are in
favor of your getting married. Plant
mines, Karl, 30, says: "When I realized 1
wanted to get out of one long relation-
ship, I ‘confided’ to my girlfriend's older
brother that I thought I might be gay. It
took a while, but he got the ball rolling."

She's the one. Isn't she?

Pro: You love her. She loves you. Sex
all the time.

Con: That's your johnson talking.
Tucker, 27, says: "Often when 1 sleep
with a new girl, I think, Wow, she gets
the gold medal. But then the next one
comes along and she's even more fun
than the last—and she gets the gold
medal. So after this happens a few times,
you just can't stop because you know
there's always another gold-medal win-
ner out there."

Because your wife will do all the little
things.

Pro: Laundry. Travel plans. A fully
stocked fridge. Someone you'll always be
able to talk to, someone always on your
side. There's nothing as nice as having
a girl in your corner. You have a safe
haven when you get slammed by your
boss. If you get sick, she'll make you
soup. Single girls, on the other hand,
keep their options open. Unbelievably.
they are looking out for number one—
and that's not you, pally.

Con: Single girls will go through tor-
ture for you (would you have
spread hot wax on your genita
this is before they've even met you! Beth,
28, says, “My married friends pretend
their lives are interesting, but they're
not. They socialize only with one anoth-
er, and talk about buying homes and
having babies. Yawn. I would much rath-
er be me, having new adventures every
weekend and shaving my legs and buy-
ing ridiculously expensive lingerie and
doing all those things you get to do when
you're single.” Victoria, 32, says, “My
friends need the reassurance that some-
one out there is having a wonderful time
doing all the things they miss doi
When they are all popping out babi

they live vicariously through my wild, tu-
multuous affairs. So I earn a certain no-
toriety, which gives me confidence and
isolates me on a desert island of lust and
adventure." Beth and Victoria are your
friends. They are also down with the
concept of friends who fuck. And who
таи down with that?

Do il now, because time is running out.

Pro: Your body isn't getting any thin-
ner; the hair on your head is. You just
bought a nose-hair trimmer. You may
not have many more years when you can
pull quality snapper. Besides, going out
is tiring, and there comes a time when
you just can't be bothered anymore.
How are you going to meet a girl then?
There's also the danger of fall
the pack. One of my friends,
professor at Stanford, got married after
school and had three kids right away.
Now he’s in his mid-30s and has all the
two am feedings, diapers, toilet training
and first days of school out of the way.
“Other people in my department out-
worked me a few years ago when I had
to help at home, but now they're getting
married and having kids in their 30s and
they feel like shit. Meanwhile, I'm able to
devote loads more time to projects than
they can.”

Con: It may be unfair and unsavory to
admit it, but time is always on the guy's
side. There is a steady supply of young
women being produced every day—by
the same people who are putting the
fear in you in the first place. And as you
age, you become, by virtue of nothing
more than years of experience, inher-
ently more interesting to young women
than the one-dimensional postfrat boys
their own age. Plus, attraction, at its
most fundamental level, comes down to
fertility—and because men can produce
offspring right up until they kick the
bucket, old men don't have the built-in
biological negatives of menopausal wom-
en. You will get laid again. You will again
meet a girl who wants to be with you.

You can start your future sooner rather
than later.

Pro: There are three things every man
looks to resolve: job,
companionship. Periods when all three
are stable are good periods.

Con: І took a trip to Egypt with a
friend a few months ago. We found our-
selves in a belly dancing club, lit, at five
in the morning—the only foreigners in
the place. It was loud, smoky and cra-
zy. One belly dancer came up to us and
started shaking it in our faces. So w
jumped onto the table and started di
the back-dat-ass-up dance with her. The
crowd went nuts. Then my friend tore
off his shirt and threw it into the crowd.
‘The roof practically blew off the place.
Somehow 1 don't think 1 would have
had that experience had 1 been travel-
ing with a wife

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175

PLAYBOY

176

Johnny Knoxville иот page 140)

It's such a proper sport, and some people take it a little
too seriously. Golfing is for people 100 fat to water-ski.

cow's rectum and grab its cervix. And I
injected sperm into its vagina. Bovine
love. I wore a plastic sleeve, but that was
the first and will be the last ume 1 artifi-
cially inseminate a cow. It had an acci-
dent on my hand while 1 was inseminat-
ing it. I'ma little germphobic, believe it
or not. I'm a big washer of the hands,
and I've been in the ocean maybe two
times in the past 10 years because 1 have
a great fear of sewage runoff and of step-
ping ona syringe. I confront a lot of my
greatest fears and try to overcome them.
I received the proper shots before the

poo cocktail. We had antibacterial soaps
on the set that day. Palmolive dishwash-
ing liquid is a little abrasive, but it does
the trick. Roll around in that for two to
three hours and then roll around in it
with someone else for two to three hours.

PLAYBOY: You once strapped on a
and went about the activities of daily
in a deliberately unselfconscious man-
ner. Does Johnny Knoxville need that
kind of enhancement?

KNOXVILLE: I don't need to be enhanced

Е Фес p

“Just think—only an hour ago,
you stepped out from the line, took my hand and asked,
‘May 1 kiss the bride?’ . . .”

or augmented. I just didn't have the en-
durance to keep it up for eight hours
straight while we were filming. I'm not
Sting, you know. We shot it over a couple
days. If you can keep it up that long, you
should be in films.

rLAYBOY: In one episode of Jackass, а
cast member disrupted a golf foursome
Some who find humor in penis enhance-
ment and close fecal encounters might
consider such an act the ultimate breach
of taste and decorum.

KNOXVILLE: Yes. Yesterday he was out on
the course blowing foghorns on people's
backswings. He actually shit in the hole
on the 18th green. It's such a proper
sport, and some people take it a little too
seriously. Golfing is for people too fat to
waters]

PLAYBOY: Skateboarding has figured т
your journey to Jackass prominence. Can
you negotiate a half pipe with case?
KNOXVILLE: The skateboard world has
been very good to те. My proficiency
level is low. I do a lot of things poorly.
When I was 13 or 14 1 skateboarded
down the hill we lived on and broke my
ankle. My father got angry and threw
my skateboard into the woods. I didn't
go back to it for a number of years. 1
have a skateboard in my car, but I rarely
ride it. For the Jackass pilot they tried to
teach me how to ollie, which is just jump-
ing. But I was even more unsuccessful at
that than 1 had been at the downhill
slalom that broke my ankle. Skateboard-
ing is bigger than ever right now. You
can make a lot of money as a profession-
al skateboarder. They're the rock stars of
the day. They have competitions, but it's
the contracts they make money on. Shoe
companies pay them. Clothing compa-
nies pay them. They have their own
boards and they get money from that.
It's not unusual to make six figures as а
professional skateboarder. You go from
town to town doing demos. By the time
you're 30 you're winding down, much
like any athlete. Then you hope you can
make the transi to a jackass.

pLavsoy: People of all ages race around
on Razor scooters. Do you care to pre-
dict the life of that fad?

KNOXVILLE: It will go the route of the hu-
la hoop and Rubik's Cube. It will be col-
lecting dust in your closet in two or three
years.

PLAYBOY: Most pranksters eventually
turn out in lingerie. Do you draw the
line at something frilly?

KNOXVILLE: I'm not opposed to dressing
up in lingerie. 1 don't do it, although
when I was young half my closet was
filled h women's clothes, because
my mother's closet ran over into mine.
Maybe I would sneak a nice sweater or a
shirt now and then, a little angora. But
we haven't dressed in drag for any of the
skits on the show, just a lot of G-strings
and male nudity. We did a stunt that we
called Body in the Trunk with Pontius,
who has the best ass on television right
now. We filmed a stunt where we dueled
with paint balls and, of course, he was
in a G-string and assless chaps, which
proved to be his undoing because he
took one in the rear that ended the bat-
ue. I've never worn a G-string.

PLAYBOY: Do jackasses have groupies?
KNOXVILLE: Jackasses have groupies, but
I'm so busy working that 1 don't get to
go out that much. And that's good, be-
cause you don't want to get into a situa-
tion where someone might throw herself
at you. Things have gotten odd lately
with all this newfound notoriety. There's
a big upside, but you also don't get to see
your loved ones as much. It has put a
strain on my relationship with my wife.
We can't communicate as well, and we're
trying to adjust and make sense of all the
craziness in our life. I'm sure we'll fight
through it. Just have to keep things in
perspective. You can't take all this very
seriously.

PLAYBOY: Do you have a high tolerance
for pain?

KNOXVILLE: Yes. We
exactly what a catcher wears for baseball.
1 put the cup on the outside of my pants,
and we had six third graders kick me in
the crotch as hard as they could. From
there we moved to a tennis ball machine,
set at its hest power, shooting me
point-blank in the cup with tennis balls.
Alter that we affixed a sledgehammer to
a rope, pulled it up to head height,
dropped it and let it strike me in the cup.
1 took a paint ball to the cup, and then
we went up three stories with an eight
ball and dropped it down on the cup.
That whole cup test was a miserable
experience. 1 hope it won't affect my
chances of having more offspring. Oh, |
also took a croquet ball to the crotch.
"This was all done in а period of about an
hour, and there was a little bit of swelling
afterward. Obviously, my level of odd is a
little higher than everyone else's, so 1
don't look at what I do as that crazy. IF 1
were to stop to think about what I do,
1 probably would reassess the situation

and go fishing.

a test with cups,

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PLAYBOY

178

SUPEMOYS: Reborn (continued from page 99)

He and his female machine, with their rapid dancing
act, had become passé. They were junked.

one of its grabbers and would never
again haul a ton of cement.

It was a community of a kind. Every
junked object helped every other junked
object. Every old-model pocket calcula-
tor could calculate something useful, if it
was only how wide a lane should be left
between two blocks of scrapped automo-
bilities to allow passage for wheelies and
motormowers.

A tired old supermarket servitor took
David into his care. They shared the
burnt-out shell of a refrigeration unii

"You'll be OK with me till your transis-
tors blow,” the servitor said.

“You're very kind. I just wish I had
Teddy me,” said David.

“What was so special about Teddy?”

“We used to play together, Teddy

and me.”
“Was he human?”
“He was like me.”
“Just a machine, eh? Better forget him,

David thought to himself, Forget Ted-
dy? 1 really loved Teddy. But it was quite
cozy in the refrigeration unit.

One day the servitor asked, “Who
kept you?"

“I had a daddy called Henry Swinton.
But he was generally away on business."

Henry Swinton was away on business.
Together with three associates, he was
ensconced in a hotel on an island in the
South Seas. The suite in which they were
gathered looked out over golden sands

“You say you're an underwater expert. How about on a boat?”

to the ocean. Tamarisks grew below the
window, their fronds waving slightly in a
breeze that took the sting from the trop-
ical heat.

The murmur of waves breaking on
the beach did not penetrate the triple
glazing.

Henry and his associates sat with bot-
des of mineral water and note-files in
front of them. Henry's back was to the
pleasant view.

Henry had fought his way up to Chief
Executive of Worldsynth-Claws. He out-
ranked the others at the table. Of the
others, one in particular, Asda Dolorosa-
ria, had elected herself to speak for the
opposition.

“You've seen the figures, Henry. Your
proposed Mars investment will not pay
off in a century. Please be reasonable.
Forget the crazy notion.”

Henry said, “Reason is one thing, flair
another, Asda. You know the amount of
business we do in Central Asia. It's the
area of the planet most like Mars, We
have communications sewn up there.
Not a single mech there that does not
come from our factories. 1 bought into
Central Asia when no one else would
touch it. You have to trust me on Mars.”

“Samsavvy is against your argument,”
said dry-voiced Mauree Shilverstein.
Samsavvy was the Supersofiputer Mk.
that in effect ran Worldsynth-Claws.
“Sorry. You're brilliant, but you know
what Samsawvy says." She offered an im-
itation of a smile. “He says forget it.”

Henry opened his hands and placed
his fingers together so that they formed
an arch of wisdom.

“ОК. But Samsavvy doesn't have my
intuition. I intuit that if we get our syn-
thelp on Mars right now, they can run
the atmosphere maker. In no time—
well, in half a century, let's say—World-
synth will get to oun the atmosphere
That's as good as owning Mars itself.
All human acu are secondary to
breathing, OK? Can't you people unde:
stand that?” He thumped the guaran-
teed real reconstituted wood table. “You
got to have flair. 1 built this whole enter-
prise on flair.”

Old Ainsworth Clawsinski had said
nothing, contenting himself with an un-
wavering glare at Henry. He was the
Claws of the company. The plug in his
left ear indicated that he was in constant
touch with Samsavvy. Now he spoke
from the end of the table.

“Fuck your flair, Henry.”

His colleagues, encouraged, came in,
in chorus.

"Shareholders don't think in halt- -cen-
Henry,” said Mauree Shilver
She was the one who had initially
dined toward Henry's argument.

“Mars has no investment value. It's
been proved,” said Asda Dolorosaria.
“They've gotten in Tibetan labor. It's
cheaper and it's expendable. Better
forget about other planets, Henry, and

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PLAYBOY

180

concentrate that mind of yours on last
year's two percent dip on this planet.”

Henry went red.

“Forget about the past. You're drag-
ging your heels, all three of you! Mars is
the future. Ainsworth, with all due re-
spect, you're too damned old to even
think about the future! We will adjourn
and meet again at 3:30. Be warned—I
know what lm doing. 1 want Mars on
a plate.”

Gathering his pad, he marched out of

the room.
•

Throwaway had a We Mend You work-
shop. Through the maze of rusty alley-
ways David went, until he came to the
workshop, situated in a static water-
tank, turned upside down, with an en-
trance cut in its side by a welder. Inside
this echoing shelter, industrious little
machines worked and patched and
sawed and rejoined. Still-valid circuits
were cannibalized, motors regenerat-
ed, the old made less old, the antiquat-
ed merely old.

And there David had his broken face
repaired.

There, too, he met the Dancing Dev-
lins. A socket in the male Devlin's leg had
become displaced. Consumer society
had scrapped him: He and his female
machine, with their rapid dancing act,
had become passé. They were junked.

The socket was replaced. Batteries
were recharged. Now Devlin (M) could
dance again with Devlin (F). They took
David with them to their tiny hovel.
There they performed their lightning
dance over and over. David watched and
watched. He never tired of the routine.

"Aren't we wonderful, dear?" said Dev-
lin (F).

“I would like it even more if Teddy
could watch with me.”

"It's the same dance, lad, whether Ted-

dy is here or not.”

The sand was yielding underfoot.
Henry Swinton kicked off his shoes and
left them lying on the beach. He had
walked on the margins of the оссап. Не

“I'm sorry, dear. But when I said we needed a romantic weekend
away, I didn’t mean with each other.”

was in a state of despair. He had fallen
from the high cliff of success.

After the dismal outcome of the morn-
ing's meeting, Henry had gone to the
residents’ bar to enjoy a long, slow vod
kamilk, the Drink of the Year. “Vodka-
milk—Smooth as Silk." His associ-
ates had given him a wide berth. He
had then taken an elevator up to his
penthouse.

Peaches had gone. Her cases were
gone.

Her fragrance lingered, not yet wiped
out by the air-conditioning.

On the mirror she had scrawled in lip-
stick, READ YOUR AMBIENT! SORRY AND GOOD-
BYE! P

“She's being funny,” thought Henry,
aloud. He knew she was not. Peaches was
never funny.

The Ambient was already tuned to
the private Worldsynth channel. Henry
crossed to the globe and turned it on.

SS МУУ MESSAGE TO HENRY SWINTON
YOUR MARS GAMBLE NOT ACCEPTABLE TO
SHAREHOLDERS. YOUR PROJECTS SURPLUS TO
OUR FUTURE PLANS.

PLEASE ACCEPT THANKS AND INSTANT RE-
TIREMENT HEREWITH. OPEN TO NEGOTIATION
ON FINAL HANDSHAKE VALUE IF NO ARGU
MENT FORTHCOMING. SEE EMPLOYMENT ACT
21066A CLAUSES 16-21. FAREWELL,

The ocean that had looked so bright
and pure from the hotel had spewed
plastic bottles along the shoreline, to-
gether with dead fish. Henry flung him-
self down on the sand, exhausted. From
his low view, the hotel presented a rakish
aspect. It had been built on sand. One
end was sinking, so that the structure re-
sembled a vast concrete ship in trouble
in a sepia sea.

Henry endured a rage of hatred
against everyone he knew, everyone who
had crossed his path from the begin-
ning. The low rumble of plastic bottle
bumping against plastic bottle played an
accompaniment to his anger. Eventually
the anger turned against himself.

“But what have 1 done? What have 1
been? What's been in my mind? A big
success! Empty succes: . Yes, empty.
Гуе just sold things. I'm a sales
nothing more. Or I wasa salesman. Buy-
ing and selling. My God, I wanted to
buy Mars. A whole planet. . . . 1 have
been mad with greed. I am mad. I'm
k, mortally sick. What did I ever care
about?

“I have never been creative. Г imag-
ined I was creative. I've never been a sci-
entist. I'm just a smartass. What do I г
ally understand about the mechs I sell?
Oh God, what a failure 1 am, a desperate
failure. Now I've gone too far. Why
didn't 1 see? Why did I neglect Monica?
Monica, my darling . . . Monica, I did
love you. And 1 fobbed you off with a toy
kid. Kids. David and Teddy.

“Huh! Well, at least David loved you

David. Poor little David.

“My God, whatever happened to Da-
vid? Maybe”

Seagulls screamed overhead.

A council truck came slowly down the
wide road into Throwaway ‘Town, Once
inside the gates, it turned its massive
nose left, entering Dump Place.

Automatics began slowly to tip the
rear platform. A number of obsolete
robots that once worked in the subway
system slid from the back of the truck
and crashed to the ground. The truck
scraped the last robot, still clinging to
the rear board, off into the dump.

Two of the robots had been broken
in the fall. One lay on its face, helpless-
ly waving an arm, until another mech
helped it up. Together they made off in-
to the depths of the rusty aisles.

David ran to see the excitement. The
Dancing Devlins ceased their dance to
follow him.

One robot remained. It sat in the dirt
shooting its arms back and forth in a
prescribed patte

Going as close as he dared, David
asked the mech why it did that

“1 still work, don't I? Don't I still
work? I can work in the dark but my
lamp is broken. My lamp will not work.
I hit my lamp on a girder overhead.
‘There was a girder overhead. 1 hit my
lamp on it. The chief computer sent me
here. 1 sull work."

“What did you do? Were you on the
subway?"

“I worked. I worked well since I was
built. I still work."

“I never worked. I played with Teddy.
"Teddy was my friend."

“Have you any instructions? I work
still, don't 12”

At that point, a sleek black limousine
entered "Throwaway. A man was sitting
in the front scat. Spinning the limo win-
dow down, he stuck his head out and
asked, "David? Are you David Swinton?”

David went over to the auto. "Dad-
dy? Oh, Daddy, have you really come
for me? I don't really belong here in
"Throwaway."

"Climb in, David. We'll get you
cleaned up for Monica's sake

David looked around. The Dancing
Devlins stood nearby. They were not
dancing. David called out a goodbye to
them. The Dancing Devlins simply stood
where they were. They had not been
programmed to say goodbye. It was not
quite the same as taking a bow.

As David climber to his father's car,
the Devlins began to dance. It was their
favorite dance, a dance they had per-
formed a hundred thousand times
before.

Henry Swinton was no longer rich. He
no longer had a career. He no longer

HOW

WHERE
——— Аф —————

BUY

Below is a list of retailers and
‘manufacturers you can contact
for information on where to
find merchandise covered in
this month's PLAYBOY. To buy
the apparel and equipment
shown on pages 39, 53-54,
102-107, 130-133 and 187,
check the listings below to find
the stores nearest you.

WIRED
Page 39: “Game of the

Y
»

4»

Shirt by Raffi, 800-775-
3454. Shades by Ray-Ban,
800-343-5594. Jackets by
Andrew Marc, andrewmarc.
com. Pants by Perry El-
lis, perryellis.com. Shoes
by Skechers, skechers.com.
Page 106: Shirt by Roberto
Cavalli, robertocavalli.net.
Suit by DKNY, 800-231-
0884. Shades by Christian
Dior, 800-929-DIOR. Shoes
by Sergio Ressi at Bergdorf

=
Month”: Software by Соде-
master, codemasters.com. “Wild Things":
Game Boy by Nintendo, 800-255-3700.

MANTRACK

Page 53: “Faster Than а Speeding Виши";
Car by Ford, ford.com. Page 54: “Saving
Face”: Toiletries by Zirh, at specialty and
department stores or zirh.com. “Guys Are
Talking About’: Internet radio by Philips,
philipsusa.com. Monitor by Samsung, 800-
SAMSUNG ог samsungmonitor. com.

SO YOU WANT TO BE A STAR

Page 109: Shirt and pants by Roberto Са-
valli, robertocavalli.net. Women's outfits
by Gianfranco Ferré, gianfrancoferre.com.
Page 103: Coat by Hugo Boss, 800-НИСО-
BOSS. Pants by Reunion, 800-777-1145.
Shirt by DKNY. 800-231-0884. Page 104:
T-shirt by Dsquared from Jeffrey New York,
212-206-1272. Boxers by 2(x)ist, 2xist.
com. Jeans by Marithé & Francois Girbaud,
312-787-2022. Belt and buckle by Buffalo.
Chips, 212-625-8400. Sneakers by Puma,
puma.com. Shirt and tie by René Lezard,
rene-lezard.com. Suit by DKNY, 800-231-
0884. Page 105: Tie by Giorgio Armani,
giorgioarmani.com. Shirt by Marithé &
Francois Girbaud, 312-787-2022, Suit by Hu-
go Boss, 800-HUGO-BOSS. Shoes by John-
ston & Murphy, 800-424-2854. Belt by Cal-
vin Klein, 800-294-7978. Women's dress
and shoes by Richard Dler, 323-931-6769.
Jewelry by Patricia Field, patriciafield com.
Boa by Betsey Johnson, betseyjohnson.com.
Suit by Liz Claiborne, lizclaiborne.com.

Goodman, 212-753-7300.
Women’s hat by Francis Hendy, francis
hendy.com. Women’s boots, hotpants,
blazer and fur coat by Richard Tiler, 323-
931-6769. Bra by Victoria's Secret, victorias
secret.com. Ring by Patricia Field, patricia
field.com. Page 107: Robe by Gucci, 212-
826-2600. Boxers by Hugo Boss, 800-
HUGO-BOSS. Bodysuit by Victoria’s Secret,
Victoriassecret.com. Stockings by Oroblu,
oroblu.com. Shoes by Helmut Lang, hel
mutlang.com. Lingerie and boots by Rich-
ard Dler, 323-931-6769. Jewelry by Patricia
Field, patriciafield.com.

SURFING'S NEW WAVE

Pages 130-183: Surfboards: By Rusty, 800-
429-4442. By Backyard Boards, 160-931-
6910. By SE Surfboards 1, 760-717-6285.
By NAS, 831-459-7800. Wet suit by Bill-
abong, 949-753-7222. Sunglasses by Elec-
tric Visual Evolution, 800-958-6556. Shorts
by Volcom, volcom.com. Backpack by Clive,
877-254-8396. Traction pad by On a Mis-
sion, 760-967-9526. Shorts by Rusty, 800-
429-4442. Wet boots by O'Neill, B00-538-
0764. DVD by Poorspecimen, 800-481-6468.
Sandals by DC Shoes, 800-886-8225. Resort
from Tavarua Island Tours, 805-686-4551.

ON THE SCENE

7: "Hot Summer, Hot Wheels":
inboard by Outback Mountain-
boards, 888-328-3478 or outbackmountain
boards.com. ATV by Kawasaki, prairie650.
com. Mountain bike by Montague, 800-
736-5348 or montagueusa.com.

CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY ВУ. 5 PATTY BEAUDET-FRANGES (31, JOEL BERLINER, BENNO FRIEOMAN. GEORGE GEORGIOU,

LIER. MANICURIST. CECHY CARRINGTON

181

PLAYBOY

182

had women around. He no longer had
ambition.

But he had time.

He sat in a cheap apartment on River-
side, talking to David. The apartment
was old and worn. One of the walls
had developed a stammer. Sometimes it
showed a false view of the river, where
the water was blue and old-fashioned
paddle steamers bedecked with flags
plied up and down. And sometimes it
showed a commercial for Preservanex,
where a couple in their early 100s went
through rickety copulation movements.

“How can I not be human, Daddy?
I'm not like the Dancing Devlins or the
other people I met in Throwaway. I feel
happy or sad. I love people. Therefore 1
am human. Isn't that so?”

“You won't understand this, David,
but I'm a broken man. I've fouled up my
whole life. The way people do."

“My life was nice when we lived in that
house with Mommy.

"I said you wouldn't understand."

“1 do understand, Daddy. Can we go
back there?"

Henry gazed mournfully at the child
standing before him, a half-smile on his
scarred face. "There's never any going
back."

“We could go back in the limo."

Henry seized the boy and held him
tightly, arms wrapped around him.
avid, you were an early product of
my first mech company, ynthank. You
have been superceded. You only think
you are happy or sad. You only think
you loved Teddy or Monica.”

“Did you love Monica, Daddy?”

Henry sighed heavily. “I thought
I did."

Henry put David in the limo, telling
him that his obsession with being human
would count as a neurosis if he were hu-
man. There were humans who imagined

they were machines.

From the ruins of Henry Swinton's ca-
reer, little remained. One thing, howev-
er, did remain. There still survived, out
in a rundown suburb between city and
boonies, the production unit of Syn-

's first enterprise. He had
control of Synthank.
products been destroyed.
They survived оп a low level of produc-
tion, supervised by Henry's old friend,
Ivan Shiggle. Synthank's products were
exported to undeveloped countries over-
seas where they were welcomed as addi-
tional labor.

“We could rt better brains in
them. Then they would be more up-to-
date. But why go to the expense?” said
Henry, as they turned into the unit's
yard.

“Because they might like to have bet-
ter brains,” David suggested. Henry
laughed.

Shiggle came out to meet them. Shak-
ing hands with Henry, he looked down
on David. “An early model,” he re-
marked. “What did Monica think of it?”

Henry took his time responding. As
they entered the building, he said delib-
erately, “You know, Monica was rather а
cold woman.”

Shooting him a sympathetic glance,

Lights flashed on as they walked along a
corridor and through a swinging glass
door.

"Oh yes, 1 loved Monica. Not well

enough. Perhaps she didn't love me well
enough. I don't know. My ambition got
the better of me—she must have found
me hard to live with. Now she’s dead—
through my neglect. My life is a com-
plete cock-up, Ivan.”

“You're not the only one.”

Henry clapped him on the shoulder.
“You've been a good friend. You have
never cheated me or turned against me.”

"There's time yet,” said Shiggle, and

BRR is

“I don't understand. It started off as an amicable separation."

both men laughed.

They had come to the production
floor, where the product stood ready for
packaging and exporting. David stared,
his eyes wide.

He confronted 1000 Davids. All look-
ing alike. All dressed alike. All standing
alert and alike. All silent, staring ahead.
A thousand replicas of himself. Unliving.

For the first time, David really
understood.

He was a product. A product. His
mouth fell open. He froze. He could
not move. The gyroscope inside him

stopped. He fell backward to the floor.

On the afternoon of the following day,
Shiggle and Henry stood in their sh
sleeves. They grinned at each other and
shook hands.

“Amazing, Ivan! There's hope for me
yet.”

“Come back and work here. We'd get
on OK together. Provided the neural
brain still works.”

David lay on the bench between them,
still connected by a cable, awaiting re-
birth. His clothes had been renewed
from stock, his face had been proper-
ly remolded. And the later, up-to-date
bi had been inserted, infused with his
earlier memories, a brain many times
more diverse in its powers than his
old one.

The two men paused over the pros-
trate body. Henry turned to the figure
standing by their side, its arms wide in
the eternal gesture of love and welcome,

“Are you ready for this, Teddy?”

“Yes, Г am very excited to play with
David арай id the bear. He was on
of a stock of bears held in the production
unit. “I missed him very much. David
and I used to have such fun together,
once.”

“That's good. Well, then, let's bring
David back to life, shall we?"

Yet still the men hesitated. They had
done manually what was generally per-
formed automatically.

Teddy beamed. “Hooray! Where we
lived before it was always summer. Until

the charge button. Dav:
slight figure jerked. His right hand ашо-
matically pulled away the connecting ca-
blc. He opened his eyes.

He sat up. His hands went up to his
ion was one of amaze-
Daddy! What a strange dream 1
had. 1 never had a dream before-

"Welcome back, David, my boy," said
Henry.

Embracing the child, he lifted David
off the bench. Davi 4 Teddy stared at
each other in wonder. Then they fell in-
to each other's arms.

It was almost human

ment

VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS

Playmate fans hit the jackpot at Sin
City's Magic 2001 trade show when
15 Centerfolds teamed up to promote
Playboy clothes and jewelry. Rebecca
Scott, Cara Michelle, Neriah Davis,
Angel Boris, Ava Fabian, Victoria Ful-
ler, Nicole Lenz, Layla Roberts, Car-
rie Stevens, Suzanne Stokes, Natal-
ia Sokolova, Shannon Stewart, Kristi
Cline, Tishara Cousino and Corin-
na Harney got decked out in Bunny-
wear and were walking advertisements
all weekend, especially at the Playboy

Clockwise,
from the top:
Actor Deon
Cain tests his
lady luck with
Playmates (let
to right) Angel
Boris, Shan-
поп Stewort, Corrie Stevens, Kristi Cline and
Avo Fobion at Drai’s nightclub. Suzanne
Stokes and Мепой Davis work up о sweat.
Rebecco Scott ond Tishara Cousino mug for
the camero. Loylo Roberts and Nicole Lenz
look hot in Ployboy geor.

KRISTI CLINE:
“| really like Suzanne Stokes, be-
cause she knows how to work a

crowd. If you've seen her at pro-
motions, you know she’s good at
it. We're great friends.”

PLAYMATE SNEWS

party at Drai's (pictured). Interna-
tional Brand Manager Noelle О'Соп-
nor reports that the bash was all Rab-
bit: “Even the waiters wore Playboy
shirts. It was a great promotion.”

Karin Taylor has always been busi-
ness-minded. When we met her in
June 1996, she had already published
the Fashion Industry
Travel Guide, a па-
tionwide direc-
tory of essential
services for the
trade. Karin's
latest venture
is Style House
(stylehouseusa.
com), a 3000-
square-foot bou-
tique in the Phila-
delphia area that carries unique gift
items and home furnishings and of-
fers а party-planning service. Style
House believes presentation is every-
thing, so each employee must attend
a five-day training camp—a.k.a. Style
House University—that includes a

customer-service workshop from

a top concierge and a gift-wrap-

ping tutorial. "I'm always pushing
myself to do things I'm afraid of,”
Karin says. "My motto is, ‘If your
ship doesn't come in, swim out to it."
I'm very happy with my new busi-

ZEBRAHEAD ZOO

35 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH

Miss July 1966
Tish Howard was
a fresh-faced deb-
utante who lived
with her parents
in Palm Springs
and Holmby
Hills, the swanky
section of Los
Angeles where
Hef would later
buy the Man-
sion. When she
was a student
at Mount St.
Mary's College,
Tish posed for
us, changing
her name in
her Playmate Tish Howord.
story. After the magazine hit the
newsstands, the school's mother
superior called her in, pointed to
the layout and asked, *What do
you have to say about this?" Tish
said, "Oh, you too? Everybody
thinks I look like that girl. 105
uncanny.” The nun said, “I
thought so,” and Tish went back
to the classroom.

ness, my new marriage and my new
life—even if it is freezing
in Philly!”

Out: starling a bond to meet chicks. In: noming your CD Ploymote

of the Yeor to meet Centerfolds. As you know, Zebroheod did the
loner and hove been Monsion regulars ever since, During their lot-
est gig, they recruited Lauro Cover, Мепоћ Davis, Suzonne Stokes,
Coro Michelle and Kerissa Fore to sing backup. Ман Sorum (ей),
drummer of the Cull, checked out the show with Nerioh,

1 choose June Cochran, for ob-
vious reasons. 1 don't know if
she’s a member of my family,
but I have to go with her. 1 grew
up in Los Ange-
les and always
knew about Hef.

I saw the maga-
zine for the first j
time back when

I was in high
school. Even then,
before all of the
enhancements,
the women had
really amaz-

ing bodies.

DOES SIZE REALLY MATTE!

“I like an eight-inch penis.
That's a good length. It’s the
right size to get you going.”

—Rebecca Scott

“Absolutely not, though if he
doesn't know how to use what ће
has, that could be a problem.”

— Tiffany Sloon

“It's 50-50. You can have size,
but you have to know how to use
it. Oral sex is good too, and you
don’t need a big one for that.”

— Маюпа Silvstedt

PLAYMATE NEWS

PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS
July 3: Miss November 1988
Pia Reyes
July 3: Miss June 1994
Elan Carter

July 5: Miss March 1963
Adrienne Moreau
July 8: Miss May 1971
Janice Pennington
July 24: Miss November 1992
Stephanie Adams

RENEE RULES

The 1990 PMOY Reneé Tenison is
back in school getting her degree in
fashion design.

Q: Your acting career has included
movie roles in Nutty Professor II: The
Klumps and Down to Earth. Why go to
school now?
A: I'm going part-time, in between
modeling and acting gigs. After be-
coming a Playmate, I got swept
away with modeling and act-
ing. Later, I watched my
Playmate video—which in-
cludes references to fashion
design—and I remembered,

That's right! I love doing that!
Q: What's next for you?

A: I'm working on a line called Ten-
wear. Keep your eyes peeled.

PLAYMATE GOSSIP

Not that guys watch soap op-
eras, but Kelly Monaco stars on

ABC's Port Charles as Liv-
( А vie, а vulnerable school-

f had me crying for four
months,” Kelly says.

girl who comes from a
onnie Nicely, Cynthia M: ers,
y Cy M

(surprise) dysfunction-
al family. “The scripts

Методе Ploymates meet the vets.

Nancy Harwood, Lorrie Men-
coni, Debra Jo Fondren and Vic-
toria Valentino (above) visited
vets in California on Valentine's
Day. . . . Italian Vogue showcased
Nicole Dahm (below) for a fea-

ture on cool VOGUE

hairstyles. . . .
«Stylize your hair

Carrie Ste-

vens and Erika
Sy

Eleniak play sis-
ters in Vegas:

C.O.D., a T
movie that also
features Duran
Duran's сее ЈЕ

Taylor. . . ` Har-

ley owner Kris-

ti Cline works

as a sales rep-

resentative for "
Indian Motor- Nicole Dahm
cycles in New does Vogue.
Mexico and is poised to open a
nightclub. . . . Chicago entrepre-
neurs Billy Dec and Brad Young
got carried away when Julie Cia-
lini, Shannon Stewart, Nichole
Van Croft and Cara Wakelin (pic-
tured below) were featured in
a Playboy fashion show at their
Circus nightclub. Barnum and
Bailey never had it so good.

The Centerfold Circus.

Che beer drinker’s light beer.

Lu lr HOSTS m О 7 е

f QU
$ ver

ORIGINAL SERIES

JUNE 2001 PREMIERES =

INSIDE ADULT LIVE

Adult diva Alisha Klass makes getting o and Bd

wilh the stars so easy and erotic. June 20, 23, 25, 27, 30.

Kimberley Stanfield LADIES MEHT OUT2
Miss July Supersery West Coast women pack up the car and press down

| the pedal — all the way to Vegas. June 23, 29.

NIGHT CALLS LIVE

JAMAICAN

Talk gels hot with po late-nighters Juli Ashton and Tiffany
PREMIERES JULY 11 2.

Granath. June 20, 22,

PLAYBDY'S NO BOYS ALLOWED: 100% GIRLS
115 sexy women who just want to have fun — with other
beautiful women! June 21, 24, 27.

SEXY URBAN LEGENOS: REVENGE IS SWEET
This group of ravishing women will stop al nothing to get back
what they ve lost. June 24, 27, 30.

JULY 2001 PREMIER!
BEST OF NIGHT CALLS 411: JAMAICAN МЕ CRAZY
Amidst Jamaica's sizzling beauty, our hostesses work and play
hard as they revisit their favorite moments of the season.
July 11, 13, 16, 18, 24, 28, 31.

BEST OF PLAYBOY'S SEXY GIRLS NEXT DOOR: PORCH SWINGING
All it takes is a camera to bring oul the КП sides of the most
innocent girls next door. July 11, 13, 16, 18 24, 28, 31.

MIT AMATER Ние ПЕЙ: WIZARD OF MIS "
ii ^ Inexperi ibitionis demonstrate’
WI US ero ы ато ESA
brings you more unedited |

i 1 PLAYBOY'S GIRLS OF HARD ROCK
action than ever before! Here's your БЕР pass to the Si SB a ipn

1 sounds of this world-famous destination! July
‘Swift Picks (Premieres June 2)
Emerald Rain (Premieres June 9) | SEX COURT: JUDGE JULIE DISROBED
The Pyramid (Premieres June 16) By unanimous vole, Judge Julie will now reveal her smoking-hat bod.
Ladies Night Out (Premieres June 23) July 6,7, 11, 14, 18, 22, 30.
Daytime Drama (Premieres June 30) (В И premise programs xe боса собол. Ties and play des хе за ode.
Best of Stacy Valentine (Premieres July 7) |
Private Fantasies 4 (Premieres July 14)
Brad Armstrong's Mirage (Premieres July 21) | >
The Puppeteer (Premieres July 28) ||

Each movie encores on the following Friday. |
5 E || ~

—

entertainment ase

playboytv.com

а реч non уд а

on the

scene

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

HOT SUMMER,

eaches, babes, beer—yeah, they're OK. But then it’s time
to move on. That’s why we went looking for the latest
summer toys on wheels. Along the way, we chanced upon
Kristan, the model pictured below, who's 5'8 with blue
green eyes and, yes, natural blonde hair. (No, we won't give you
her phone number.) The Outback Mountainboard she’s artfully
maneuvering is as much fun as she is. It's part of Outback's Triple
Trax series, all of which feature tie-rod front-wheel steering and a
foot-activated brake. Nothing slows Kristan down. Kawasaki's new
Prairie 650 ATV (right) boasts the industry's first V-twin engine. It’s
seven-feet long—one hell of a
hill-and-gully rider. With an au
tomatic transmission that offers
high and low forward gears (plus
reverse), the Prairie can be driv-
en in either two-wheel or four:
wheel drive. (It also tows up to
1250 pounds, which, according

to Kawasaki, is the highest pull
RICHARD ши

HOT WHEELS

capability in the field.) The machine’s digital instrumentation pan-
el is as sophisticated as what's offered in many cars. Montague
USA's Paratrooper tactical mountain bike (below) is being tested by
the Marine Corps at Quantico, Virginia. It was originally designed
in conjunction with the government “to bridge an important gap
between walking infantry and heavy military vehicles." However,
Montague decided to offer it to the public when boat and SUV
owners—as well as apartment dwellers with minimum storage
space—requested that the bike be made available to them, too.
A 24-speed Shimano drive train and knobby tires make it ideal
for off-road as well as city riding.
Just one color is available—cammy
green. Collapsed, it measures on-
ly 36'x28"x12" (see inset). Check
militarybikes.com. —Davip STEVENS

Far left: The Outback
Mountainboard ofíers
riders a ballsy way to
go downhill in a hurry.
For surfing addicts,
it’s also a great cross-
trainer when the wa-
ter is flat (about $350).
Top: Climb aboard the
Kawasaki Prairie 650
ATV and hang on—its power plant is a 633cc en-
gine (about $7000). Above: Montague's Paralroop-
ег mountain bike folds in about 30 seconds to
the compact size that’s shown here, without the
use of any tools (about $600).

WHIRE AND HOW TO RL

187

Ша: среу! пе

It's What's
Up Front
That Counts
If you know LORI
LOUGHLIN only from
Full House reruns,
then you might not
recognize the blonde
do. Did you catch her
in Critical Mass with
Treat Williams?

We Have
Lauren
Covered
LAUREN DOUGH-
ERTY can be found
on the beaches of
Baywatch Hawaii, in
next year's South
Sea Island Girls cal-
endar and on the
pages of Shape and
188 Maui as well.

=
As Crowe Flies
Oscar winner RUSSELL CROWE battled wild ani-

mals in Gladiator. This year he battles mental ill-
ness in A Beautiful Mind. He's our kind of guy.

Total

Breast

Live

= Е CARSON DALY and

One Ringy-Dingy his fiancée, TARA
LILY TOMLIN revived The Search for Signs of REID, got to spend
Intelligent Life in the Universe on Broadway. time together in Josie
Next is Orange County, about a counselor who and the Pussycats.

screws up. Would Ernestine approve? Then it was back
to MTV's TRL for

him and American
Pie II for her.

A Sneak Peek at Jacqueline
JACQUELINE STROBBE has done television commer-
cials for Embassy Suites Hotels and appeared on the E
Channel's Wild On series. Now she's ready for her
knockout punch in Grapevine.

Potpourri

TOP HAT

Sunday Afternoons is a sunwear and picnic
gear company in Ashland, Oregon that’s as
laid-back as its name. For protection from old
Sol, Sunday has created the Adventure Hat,
illustrated here, made of a breathable fabric
rated 45 ЏРЕ When you're not running the
Amazon, roll up the hat and stash it away. It
reshapes itself and keeps you cool, even in the
tropics. The price: $35. Call 888-874-2642 to
order or check sundayafternoons.com

IN e

ROCK AND ROLLING

Hot rod and guitar fanatics will recognize the
Fire Roadster and guitar below as belonging to
Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony. They're
part of the Cars and Guitars of Rock and Roll
exhibit (June 15 to December 31) that the Ре-
tersen Automotive Museum in LA has assem-
bled to commemorate the 50th anniversary of
rock and roll. Call 323-930-cars for hours.

SEX IN THE CARDS

DK Publishing calls
its boxed Tarot Su-
tra set “an inti-
mate guide to
exploring sex
through the
tarot.” We call it
а great way to get
laid. For $30, you
get a booklet and
a tarot deck. Add
up the day, month
and year of your birth
and you arrive at your
personal number. Turn
to that number in the
booklet and you'll be giv-
en several sexy sugges-
tions, including music to
make love by and where
to do it. If your number
is four you should screw
at your office while lis-
tening to Joe Cocker.
Check bookstores or
call 877-342-5357.

WAY TO GO!

Whether your idea of the perfect getaway spot is а Moroccan
beach pad (above), a chalet in the Swiss Alps or a penthouse in
Paris, you'll find it in Judith Miller's Great Escapes, which features
“inspirational homes.” The $40 hardcover visits them all
as such unexpected hideouts as a woodland retreat in I
that's more shanty than Shangri-la and a concrete-and-glass acrie
in Antwerp that was once a water tower. Simon Upton, who has
worked for style magazines such as World of Interiors, House and
Garden and Elle Decor, took the photographs. Check bookstores.
Ryland Peters and Small is the publisher.

BIG JOHN WAYNE

"The hardcover John
Wayne: There Rode a Legend
seems almost as large as

the man himself. With-
in its 275 pages,
publisher Wilma
Sy Russell (who once
managed a cattle
ranch in the Aus-
tralian outback)
and author Jane

the cowboy ele-
ments of Wayne'
life, i

Westerns, It's $75.
and is filled with
pictures. Call
866-BIG-DUKE
to order,

WHIFF OF THE LEGION

Want to smell like a French Foreign Le-
gionnaire? Order an eight-ounce bottle
of Friction de Foucaud Invigorating
Body Tonic and splash on the same prod-
uct French soldiers have used to cure
tropical rashes since the Forties. Fou-
caud's secret is its blend of menthol, cam-
phor, oils and alcohol. The tonic is ab-
sorbed into the skin and leaves no greasy
residue. Price: $20, from 800-884-5944.

WE'RE TALKIN’ HOT

With risqué artwork and names such as Bad Girls in Hear, Fifi's
Nasty Little Secret and Kitten's Big Banana, it's no wonder that
Pepper Town USAS Pepper Girl habanero, jalapeno and Thai pep-
per hot sauces caught the eyes (as well as the tongues) of judges at
the annual Fiery Food Challenge. Price: $5.95 each, from 800-
973-7738. When you call, ask about the Pepper ит Girl Cookbook
($11.95) or check peppertownusa.com lor more information.

HIGH CAMP

When British gentlemen sol-
diers went off to war some-

where east of Suez, they tot-

ed foldup furnishings that
brought some of the com-

forts of home to camp.

Nicholas Brawer's $45 book

Brilish Campaign Furniture
1740-1914 is a fascinating

look at the subject. If "ele-

gance under canvas” intrigues
you, the Katonah Museum of
Artin Katonah, New York has

an exhibit of furnishings that runs
from July 8 through September 23

WILLIE WONKA, EAT YOUR HEART OUT

The Spa at the Hotel Hershey in Hershey, Pennsylvania has its
priorities straight. Not only can you eat and drink chocolate
while being pampered, but you can bathe in it, 100. Begin with а
Whipped Сосоа Bath ($45) and move on to the Chocolate Fon-
due Wrap ($90), or purchase a package such as the Hershey |
Day ($320 for five hours) and experience what it's like to be a
marshmallow іп the mix. Call 800-НЕВЗНЕУ for more information

Шех! Month

GO. GO, BELINDA

COLOMBIA: OUT OF CONTROL—WHILE HE WAS MAKING
OUR LADY OF THE ASSASSINS IN MEDELLIN, FILMMAKER
BARBET SCHROEDER KEPT A DIARY DESCRIBING A PLACE
WHERE MURDER IS COMMON AND CORRUPTION IS A GIV-
EN—AND THE GOVERNMENT IS POWERLESS TO STOP IT. IT'S
AN ASTONISHING REPORT

BELINDA CARLISLE—GOD BLESS THE GO-GO'S IS THE GIRL
GROUP'S FIRST NEW ALBUM IN 17 YEARS. THE LEAD SINGER'S
SIDE PROJECT IS AN UNBELIEVABLE ALL-NUDE PICTORIAL

CLONING: PHASE TWO—WHO SAYS TWO IS BETTER THAN
ONE? SCIENTISTS MINGLE WITH FERTILITY EXPERTS, A UFO
CULT, GAY COUPLES AND OTHER RESEARCHERS IN THE
QUEST TO REPLACE THE GENETIC LOTTERY OF OLD-FASH-
IONED SEX. BY MICHAEL PARRISH

TIM BURTON—HE'S THE DIRECTOR OF BEETLEJUICE, ED-
WARD SCISSORHANDS, BATMAN AND PLANET OF THE APES.
WE HAD TO KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN HIS TWISTED MIND.
KRISTINE MCKENNA FINDS OUT IN A SURPRISING PLAYBOY
INTERVIEW

LIFE’S A BITCH AND SO IS DATING—ONE GIRL FALLS IN
LOVE AND GETS THE RUNAROUND FROM ANOTHER GIRL.
NOW SHE KNOWS HOW GUYS FEEL WHEN SHE TREATS THEM
BAD. A PROVOCATIVE CONFESSIONAL BY KATIE MORAN

JET LI—CHINA'S MARTIAL ARTS HERO BLEW UP THE ASIAN
BOX OFFICE BEFORE HE KUNG-FU'D HIS WAY TO STARDOM IN

MISS AUGUST

ROMEO MUST DIE, KISS OF THE DRAGON AND THE ONE. ISN'T
IT FUNNY THAT HE'S NEVER BEEN IN A REAL FIGHT? A FEISTY
PLAYBOY PROFILE BY MATT POLLY

JON BON JOVI—HE'S SEEN А MILLION FACES IN AMPHITHE-
ATERS, AND HE'S HAD A SECOND COMING AS A MOVIE STAR.
A BADASS 200 ABOUT PISSING OFF DIANA ROSS, JAMMING
WITH SPRINGSTEEN AND BON JOVI'S ATTEMPT TO BRIBE
DAVID CHASE FOR A ROLE ON THE SOPRANOS. BY WARREN
KALBACKER

MOTEL— ROY'S FAMILY ROAD TRIP IS MOSTLY A DISASTER
UNTIL HE HOOKS UP WITH A REDHEAD AT A BAR. IT COULD
TURN OUT TO BE THE WORST MISTAKE HE'S MADE SO FAR
FICTION BY JOHN BIGUENET

BOYS OF SUMMER—THEY GET GRITTY ON THE FIELD, BUT
THEY CLEAN UP NICELY. BIG BATS KENNY LOFTON, BRADY
ANDERSON, GARY SHEFFIELD, MIKE PIAZZA AND CHIPPER
JONES SCORE IN THE COOLEST LOOKS FOR FALL. FASHION
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

CENTERFOLDS ON SEX—BOATING BY MOONLIGHT. GOING
TO STRIP CLUBS. COOKING NAKED. ECHO JOHNSON KNOWS
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY, AND, LIKE HER NAME, IT'S
WORTH REPEATING

PLUS: THE THRILLING BMW MINICOOPER, DVD-BASED VIDEO
CAMERAS, PAUL KRASSNER ON BATHROOM WARS, STEREOS
TO HANG ON WALLS AND PLAYMATE JENNIFER WALCOTT

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