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res THE LATEST, biggest, bloodiest and most doomed front in 
the fucked war on drugs. According to best estimates, 90 per- 
cent of all cocaine comes from Colombia. The United States 
recently allocated $1.3 billion—the bulk of it in military aid— 
to the Colombian government, which barely controls any 
part of the country. Such is the backdrop of Colombia: Land 
of Death, a grim travelog by director Barbet Schroeder (Barfly). 
While on location for his new film, Our Lady of the Assassins, 
Schroeder witnessed the thefts, deaths and paranoia that 
make the country the weirdest place on earth. His telltale di- 
ary is illustrated by Fred Stonehouse. Here's another hot-button 
issue: What comes after Dolly the sheep? Cloning: Phase Tuo 
by Michael Parrish goes into the lab to investigate whether it's 
possible to dupe humans. It's by turns a creepy and inspir- 
ing read. 

Ape misbchaving: "They fall in love with you, and they're 
jealous and possessive. They'd start humping my leg and if I 
didn't pay attention to them they'd spit at me or throw shit at 
mc." That's Tim Burton in this month's Playboy Interview by Kris- 
fine McKenna, talking about research for the most eagerly 
awaited movie of the summer, Planet of the Apes. Burton di- 
rects eccentric movies—Beellejuice, Batman, Sleepy Hollow—that 
invariably turn into blockbusters. His secret? He makes kid 
movies for adults. Duchamp had it right: A urinal is a work of 
art. And that's all it will be if masculine identity keeps going 
down the drain. Paul Krassner, a wiz of a writer and author of 
Psychedelic Trips for the Mind, surveys the soggy terrain of the 
gender war's new battleground in / Stand, Therefore I Am. John 
Biguenet is an O. Henry Award winner and author of the ac- 
claimed Torturer's Apprentice. We're pleased to introduce him to 
PLAYBOY readers with the short story Motel. It's about a guy try- 
ing to keep his shir together while beset by kids, wife and a 
succulent redhead. The artwork is by Winston Smith. 

It's good to know women can put one another through the 
same pain they do men. Life's a Bitch and So Is Dating by Kotie 
Moran is a heartfelt, feel-'em-up apologia from one woman 
to all men. Belinda Corlisle survived the Go-Go Eighties but, 
thankfully, her clothes didn't. Her nudes are by Richord Mc- 
Laren. She and her band are hack with a new CD, God Bless the 
Go-Go's, and a summer tour with the B52s. Bombshells away! 

The influence of Chinese cinema has brought a fresh sense BIGUENET 
of action and romance to Hollywood, and no one embodies 
the spirit of the East better than the fastest man on earth, Jet 
Li. The bad guy in Lethal Weapon +, Li stars in two new movies: 
Kiss of the Dragon and The One. For our profile this month, Jet 
Fighter (illustrated by Charlie Powell), Matthew Polly met Jet and 
conversed with him in Mandarin, the actor's native tongue. 
Jon Bon Jovi is zen. First —in the Slippery When Wet, big-hair 
days—he was cool. Then, when grunge hit, he was uncool. 
Now he's cool again. Through it all, he's been the same 
dude—another hard-rocking guy from the sizable Jersey tal- 
ent pool. Read 20Q with Warren Kalbacker. 

Five big bats, five new looks for next scason. In Boys of Sum- 
mer, fashion by Joseph De Асен, stars such as Mike Piazza and 
Chipper Jones sport the newest fall suits. Shoot First by Stewart 
Wolpin shows off the next generation of super camcorders that 
can record on DVD. Neat. And we really want to get a BMW 
Mini Cooper, the restyled version of the Sixties classic—and 
at $17,000, we can. Ken Gross checked it out. Then there's 
Playmate Jennifer Walcott (shot by Contributing Photographer 
Stephen Woyda), who ch: her address once a year. Who 
knows? Maybe next year it will be yours. 


SCHROEDER 


PARRISH MCKENNA. 


WOLPIN 


KALBACKER DE ACETIS WAYDA 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), August 2001, volume 48, number 8. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 

North Lake Shore D сао, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices, Canada Post Cana- 
Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 56162. Subscriptions: in the U.S., 829.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 

Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail ire@nyplayboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 3 


ттт = 


п México. Desde ms 


vol. 48, no. 8—august 2001 


OY 


- 


features 


68 COLOMBIA: LAND OF DEATH 
Kids sniff glue to stave off hunger, bikers tote Uzis, street gangs run rampant. 
It's life in Medellin, where the filmmaker sent home diaries that will startle 
you. BY BARBET SCHROEDER 


78 CLONING: PHASE TWO 
Just about everyone—scientists, ethicists, religious leaders and politicos—is in 
a frenzy. That's because the next clone to emerge from a lab could be a human. 
Any time now. BY MICHAEL PARRISH 


89  CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: VICTORIA FULLER 
Our lady of the month reveals new ways to win her undying affection. 


108 PLAYBOY PROFILE: JET LI 
Action star Jet Li is the fastest martial artist on earth. As Chinese cinema makes its 
move in Hollywood, Jet flies high—with no wires. BY MATTHEW POLLY 


110 MAD FOR THE MINI 
The littlest legend of Europe's roadways is back —and this lime it's being Бий by the 
masters of the autobahn. 


114 LIFE'S A BITCH AND SO IS DATING 
Ever fallen in love with a girl who can play you like a ukulele? So has this girl — 
who got snookered by a girl, too. She feels your pain. BY KATIE MORAN 


116 200 JON BON JOVI 
He's sold more than 80 million records and mixes a great girly martini. But he still 
has to beg for a role on The Sopranos. BY WARREN KALBACKER 


118 1 STAND, THEREFORE I AM 
The manly ritual of facing the urinal is suddenly endangered. An important report cover S 1 or y 


x She's the Go-Go girl whose bond emerged 
from the frontiers of science. BY PAUL KRASSNER from Los Angeles" punk scene fo crock the Bill 


board 100. Belindo Corlisle hos come a long 
woy since then. But time hos only enhonced the 


fiction woman who soys she's already lived nine lives. 
Phologropher Richord McLoren traveled to 
90 MOTEL Thoiland to shoot our cover. Our Robbit comes 


What's a family road trip without some wild sex covered in motor oil? An arousing out smelling like o flower. 
story. BY JOHN BIGUENET 


interview 


59  TIM BURTON 
The darkest, quirkiest director of blockbusters —Batman, Sleepy Hollow, Edward 
Scissorhands—has tackled the ultimate fantasy, Planet of the Apes. He has a thing 
for Charlton Heston, Vincent Price and Lisa Marie. BY KRISTINE MCKENNA 


PLAYBOY 


g contents continued | 


continued 


pictorials 


vol. 48, no. 8—cugust 2001 


72 


94 


124 


GIRLS OF BADA BING 
Tony Soprano's staff of strippers 
are the hottest act on TV. 
PLAYMATE: 

JENNIFER WALCOTT 

Our Ohioan is а nomad with 

а soft heart for animals—even 
party animals. 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAT 
Belinda Carlisle sang that she 


would make heaven a place on 
earth. PLAYBOY is that place. 


notes and news 


13 


14 


49 


163 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
Hef celebrates 75, an Oscar 
party and an AIDS award with 
Bruce Vilanch. 


HEF'S HAPPY 75TH! 
Partygoers include Fred Durst, 
Rod Stewart, Carson Daly and 
Тата Reid. 

THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
Wild radio, abusive cops. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
Kelly Monaco's soap career; 
Pam and Liz Hurley. 


depariments 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
WIRED 

LIVING ONLINE 
MEN 


41 MANTRACK 

45 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 

106 PARTY JOKES 

162 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 

167 ON THE SCENE 

168 GRAPEVINE 

170 POTPOURRI 
lifestyle 

82 FASHION: BOYS OF 
SUMMER 
Guys like Mike Piazza know what 
it lakes lo make the bigs—and the 
suit to wear when you gel there. 
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 

120 SHOOT FIRST 
Digital video cameras can make 
you into a Steven Spielberg. 
We pick the best. 
reviews 

29 MOVIES 
Hedwig hits the big screen, 
Thora Birch. 

32 VIDEO 
Dr. Drew. the Three Stooges. rock 
concert movies. 

33 MUSIC 
Billy Joe Shaver's outlaw country, 
Nuggets I, the Boss live. 

38 BOOKS 


Hornby and Irving return, Dave 
Navarros debauched life. 


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©2001 RJ. REYNOLDS TOBACCO СО. 


No additives in our tobacco 
ETIN No boundaries. —  — 


PLAYBOY 


WHEN SOMEONE ASKS 
YOU FOR A LIGHT, 
SPARK SOME NEW INTEREST 
WHILE YOU'RE AT iT. Y 


Club Bunny Zippo™ Lighter 
Brushed chrome lighter with a silhou- 
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ORDER ONLINE playboystore.com/aug 


ORDER TOLL-FREE 800-423-9494 Most 
major credit cards accepted. Source Code 
02295. ORDER BY MAIL Include credit card 
account number and expirauon cate or send 
check or money order 10 Playboy, Р.О. Box 
809, Source Code 02295. Itasca. Illinois. 
50143-0509. Add $4.00 shipping and han 
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include 6,75% sales tax. Canadian orders 
accepted, (Please visit our website (or other 
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PLAYBOYSTORE.COM/AUG 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 


KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff wriler; ciir ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI editorial 


assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER assistant editor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant: STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior edilor; ALISON LUNDGREN. BARBARA 
NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT B. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; REAGAN 


BROOKS. LINDA FEIDELSON, HE 


EN FRANGOLILIS, HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBAL 


. HARRIET PEASE 
editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edilor; COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; 
ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant edilors; REMA SMITH Senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI 
NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; TIM GALVIN, JOSEPH HIGAREDA, 
JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, 


JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOU 


E. GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL KEN GROSS, WARREN 


KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior 


KERIG POPE managing art director; 
art director 


ROB михом assistant art director; PAUL. CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art 


assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art services Coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior edilors; PATTY BEAUDEL-ERANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; RICHARD 


FEGLEY, ARNY FREYTAG. RICHARD IZU 
contributing photographers: cconct ceosciov staff photographer; eux. warre studio manager— 


DAVID MECI 


Y, BYRON NEWMAN. POMPEO POSAR. STEPHEN WAYDA. 


ZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN, 
PENNY EKKERT. GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


los angeles; 


Es 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS direclor; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY PONTARELLI, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TERIELA (yfesetl 
SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK, ELAINE PERRY assistants 


BENWAY, 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERE newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROT 


NNO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISING 
JAMES DIMONEKAS associate publisher; PHYLLIS KESSLER new york advertising manager; Joe HOFFER 
midwest sales manager; 
director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director; CAROL STUCKHARDY research director; 
NEW YORI 


EN BIANCULIA, direct response manager; TERRA BUNOTSKY marketing 


: ELISABETH AULEPP, KIM COHEN, SUE JAFFE, MIKE TRIUNFO; CALIFORNIA: DENISE 
SCHIPPER; CHICAGO: BILL ROUSE; ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ, SARAH HUEY, GREG MADDOCK; MARIE 


HIRKENO advertising business manager; KARA SAKIsky advertising coordinator 


READER SERVICE 
MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES IN 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
MICHAEL T CARR president, publishing division 


mix it uo 


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HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


HEF'S 75TH BIRTHDAY BASH 
Hef had nine beauties—Jennifer, Kim, Lindsey, Anka, Michelle, Tiffany, Tina, Stephanie 
and Regina—to help him celebrate his birthday weekend. MTV's Carson Daly and Biz- 
kit man Fred Durst raised their glasses to the birthday boy. 


1 


OSCAR NIGHT PARTY 

The Vanity Fair party was clearly the hat spot after the Acade- 
my Awards. Hef was there with his girls, along with Gabriel 
Byrne and Kim Cattrall. Playmate Lisa Dergan and Pearl Harbor 
director Michael Bay partied with Hef, too. 


TV CARES 
Our July cover 
girl, Pamela An- 
derson (here with 
Tommy Lee), pre- 
sented Hef with a 
Ribbon of Hope 
Award from the 
Academy of Tele- 
vision Arts and 
Sciences for 
Playboy's long- 
standing sup- 
port in the battle 
against AIDS. Hef 
shared the award 
with TV writer 
and funnyman 
Bruce Vilanch 


© Anheuser-Busch, Inc, Tequaa Beer, St Laus, MO 


Feels good to say what you really think, huh? And just like you, 
Tequiza's unique blend of Blue Agave Nectar, Mexican Tequila 
and Lime flavor, is definitely for those who hold nothing back. 


Speak your mind. Drink your beer. 


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A BUYERS GALLERY (ОЕ FINE AUTOMOBILES” 


The Magazine for Exotic ‚Lovers 
duPont . 
REGISTRY 


Available at Finer Newsstands or call 800-233-1731 
www.duPontREGISTRY.com 


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ear Playboy 


660 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOYCOM 


BABBLING OVER BROOKE 
Seeing Brooke Burke (Wild On Brooke, 
May) on ıhe cover brought me back to 
the surprise and excitement of a child- 
hood Christmas. Whatever it took to get 
Brooke to pose was worth it. You now 
have my permission to raise subscription 
prices. 
Todd Kilzer 
Madrid, lowa 


She's sexy yet demure, sultry and ab- 
solutely adorable. Brooke is an incredi- 
ble all-in-one package. 

Matthew Kenna 
Toluca Lake, California 


I'm amazed it took the media so long 
10 discover Brooke. 1 have been sav- 
ing her old Frederick's of Hollywood cat- 


Brooke cocks. 


alogs for years—even though I didn't 

know her name then. She is exotically 

beautiful and I wish her great success 
Jim Schild 
Columbia, Illinois 


Brooke Burke is mesmerizing as well 
as funny and entertaining. I'm always 
happy to see dark-haired, sultry brown- 
eyed beauties in PLAYBOY. The blonde 
thing gets a little old. 
Mike Dennis 
Bolingbrook, Illinois 


NOT GREEN WITH ENVY 
I can just imagine the negative mail 
you're getting about the Tom Green in- 
terview (May). He's childish. His stunts 
are stupid. Who cares what he says? But 
I have to tell you, I'm his age and I get a 
real chuckle out of watching him piss off 
authority figures. Everyone should cut 
the guy some slack. 
John Woods 
Denver, Colorado 


Tom Green is like an annoying toddler 
who jumps around flailing his arms and 
making stupid faces to get attention. I 
challenge anyone to explain the allure of 
this guy. 1 only pray that audiences will 
soon tire of his look-at-me-I'm-peeing- 
in-the-punch routine 

Champ Duncan 
Evansville, Indiana 


One of pLavBoY's cornerstones is the 
interview. With only 12 opportunities 
per year, I don't understand why you'd 
waste one on Тот Green. He's a te 
book case of a pseudocelebrity whose 
only talent is his ability to draw attention 
to himself 

David Kveragas 
Newton Township, Pennsylvania 


FRONT AND CENTERFOLD 

Julia Schultz' sad story of orgasmic 
failure during two-person sex (Center- 
folds on Sex, May) is far too common. She 


Join Playboy's 


Online Research Panel 


Membership is 
free, fast & fun 


Tell us what you think 
about hot topics and products 
and we'll give you a chance 


to win all kinds of cool stuff! 


So mouth off! 
Speak out! 
Make noise! 


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www.playboysurveys.com 
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PLAYBOY 


should read 5 Minules to Orgasm Every 
Time You Make Love, a book that em- 
powers women to take charge of their 
orgasms. 
Dr. David Bee 
Loma Linda, California 
This is pLaveov. We think a guy should 
take charge of a woman's orgasm. 


1 like Julia Schultz. She's smart and 
beautiful, but she has put herself in a 
negative light. She says she's bothered 
when nge men stare at her breasts. 
Meeting people who make you feel un 
easy is part of being famous 

Brian Maki 
Marquette, Michigan 


LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER 
Congratulations on a fabulous 200 

with Mariska Hargitay (May), daughter 
of sex goddess Jayne Mansfield and body- 
builder Mickey Hargitay. I once read 
that Mansfield had an IQ somewhere 
around 160, well above the genius level. 
Given Hargitay's cerebral take on her par- 
ents, her acting career, her life and ac- 
tor Robert De Niro, it appears that quite 
a bit of mom has rubbed off on daugh- 
ter. If only we could sce Mariska in a pic- 
torial, we'd know for certain how much 
of mom has rubbed off. 

Mike Vinson 

McMinnville, Tennessee 


Like Mariska Hargitay, I'm the daugh- 
ter of a model turned actress and a Mr. 


A dosh of poprika. 


Universe. As a matter of fact, my father 
met Mariska's mother, Jayne Mansfield, 
when he lived in Cal nia. Mariska's 
interview touched a nerve in me. While 
she's a beautiful woman in her own right, 
she is not her mother. What she really 
needs is to be comfortable in her skin 
and secure in who she 
Jennifer Warburton 
Shirley, New York 


Hargitay, a Hunge 
ite food n. I'm an Italian who's 
into Hungarian cuisine. Here's a great 
goulash recipe: I pound stew beef, 4 cup 
chopped white onion, 3 tablespoons 
cooking oil, 1 diced turnip, 2 diced car- 
rots, I diced parsnip, 1 teaspoon each 
paprika, caraway seeds and marjoram, 2 
bay leaves, 1% cups sherry and 1 table- 
spoon white flour. Brown the beef and 
onions in the oil, add all other ingredi: 
ents except the flour. Cook, covered, on 
low heat for about an hoi 
flour into the mixture to create a smooth 
gravy. Serves four. Yum 

Adriano Autore 
Santa Ana, Ca 


PAINT JOB 
My husband ordered Paint the Town 

Red (Potpourri, February) for me, and ай 
1 can say is "Wow!" The package arrived 
at his office, so 1 knew nothing about it 
until Valentine's Day. When I saw the 
paint can, I couldn't understand what he 
was giving me, and I almost became an- 
gry because I thought he wasn't being ro- 
mantic. Then I opened the can and ev- 
erything was beautifully arranged. The 
lingerie was absolutely gorgeous. Our 
evening together was more than what I'd 
dreamed it would be, which reinforces 
my belief that PLAYBOY is a unique and ro- 
mantic magazine for loving couples 

Joyce Otis 

Pompano Beach, Florida 


WHATEVER LOLA WANTS 
Lola Corwin (Temptation's Temptress, 
May) really tempts me. 
Aaron Frazier 
Galesburg, Illinois 


I've never written to PLAYBOY before, 
but Lola Corwin has prompted me to. 
Please continue to feature Asian Ameri- 
can women. 

Ryan Tamm 
Belmont, California 


1 watched every episode of Temptation 
Island and 1 was shocked when Lola was 
voted off. Those guys made a poor deci- 
sion. Thanks for evening the score 

Jeff Falzone 

Fort Myers, Florida 


JUST FACE IT 

Your May Оп the Scene item abou 
ing products, "Saving Face,” was great. 
Guys should know that brush shaving— 
when properly done—gives far superior 
results. My wife created a high-quality, 
atural shaving soap and I switched. 
Since then, | don't get as many six PM 
whisker-burn complaints. 

Leo Sell 

ville, Michigan 


LEND US YOUR EARS 
Twenty years ago, as a serviceman 
in the U.S. Marines, I spent a fantastic 


Lovely Lolo. 


evening celebrating my 21st birthday at 
the London Playboy Club. I have photos 
from that night, but more important, I 
have the ears and (privately signed) tail 
of one of your wonderful Playboy Bun- 
nies. It was the best birthday Гуе ever 
had, and a happy reminder that rıayuoy 
is a part of my life. 
Scott McKinley 
Manchester, New Hampshire 
We're not going to ask how you got her tail. 


Semper fi. 


PANTY RAID 

Lam a 22-year-old happily married 
woman who loves to read your maga- 
zine. My husband hadn't picked up an 
issue in months until I made him read 
19 Ways to Take Off Her Panties (Febru- 
ary). It turned me on so much that 1 
thought he should read it, too. A few 
minutes later, he walked into the room 
where I was studying, with his pants un- 
done and a big grin on his face. We'd 
love to see more articles like that one 
Homework can always 


IL. 
Debra Drury 
Albany, Georgia 


HE'S ACES 
I've been a subscriber to PLAYBOY for 
more than 10 years, and I'm amazed at 
how many other men's magazines have 
copied your format. However, they don't 
have Asa Baber. His Men column will 
ways be a PLAYBOY treasure 
Sean Hayes 
Chicago. Illinois 


=~ 
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1 
IN] 


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ISTEL NE мыс 


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er hours 


A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


THE WEAK TO REMEMBER 


It wasn't the psych-out style of Anne 
Robinson that caused Weakest Link to 
cool down on NBC, it was the psyche 
of the American audience. Over here, 
we like weak links. We find them useful, 
and even elect them president (wouldn't 
want somebody too smart for his own 
good running things, would we?). We're 
pleased that the French did so poorly in 
WWII—ir's something to bring up when 
they get too snooty. And aren't all the 
states glad Mississippi is in the Union, 
making the rest of them look better? Just 
because something is a weak link doesn't 
mean it doesn't have some charm, some 
aptitude, some attraction. We like Zeppo 
Marx. President Carter did some good 
things. Iceberg lettuce is the weakest link 
among leafy greens, but it's mighty tasty 
on an egg salad sandwich. A group of 
weak links makes а strong list: 

Jar Jar Binks: Loathing him distracted 
us from how bad the rest of The Phantom 
Menace was. 

Tom Brokaw: Dude can't even pro- 
nounce his own name, yet he's kicked 

Dan Rather's ass more fre- 
quently than the guy who 


Between the Great War and the 
Big One, cfter the heyday of 
dime novels and before the as- 
cendance of paperbacks and 
comics, pulp magazines reigned 
supreme. They were driven by 
a simple formula—sex, action 
ond adventure—that appealed 
directly to a young mon's fan- 
tasies. In The Classic Era of 
American Pulp Magazines (Chi- 
cago Review Press) 
by Peter Haining, 
pulps return from 
the dead. The book 
is filled with art- 
work of the exqui- 
site women who 
adorned the covers 
of such spicy pulps 
as Stolen Sweets 
and Saucy Stories 
You'll want to read it in one 
sitting—a long day's journey 
into noir. 


J y 
Ж, 


Rm e 
A 
2 

Ӯ a 


knew Kenneth. 

Qalar: Kuwait was а 
rich weak link that 
cost us lives and 


money, but Qatar was the little camel 
that could 
Ted Kennedy: The least of the brothers 
and still the best speaker in the Senate, 
Mick Taylor: Exiled off Main Street. It 
hasn't been the same since. 
Coriolanus: Heh heh—the Bard said 
anus. 
Yasmine Bleeth: A Baywatch chick who 
didn't pose for PLAYBOY. Yet 
The Buffalo Bills: Four straight appear- 
ances, no Super Bowl wins. "Fran Tar- 
kenton on the line for Jim Kelly." 
Staten Island: Still part of Jersey, 
right? 
Trent Dilfer: The Ravens ditched 
Dilfer, surely the weakest Super 
Bowl-winning QB, in the off-sea- 


THREADBARE AND FANCY FREE 


son. But where's Marino's ring? 

George Lazenby: The weakest Bond still 
had enough strumpf to nail Diana Rigg 

The 1997 World Series (Marlins vs. In- 
dians): So it snowed and few watched. 
Those who did saw some damn good 
games. Hasta luego, Jose Mesa 

The Greatest Show on Earth: Everyone 
agrees it is the worst movie to win best 
picture. But it has the Oscar and High 
Noon doesn't. 


iDEJAME VER TUS TETAS! 


It's rough being a substitute teacher, 
as Dana Gibson can attest. During a stint 
teaching Spanish at St. Joseph High 
School in Orcutt, California, one of the 


Justine Bateman, the most interesting thing about Family Ties, has given up 
acting. She stopped by our affice to show us her new passion—fashion. Jus- 
tine has created a wide range of women's dresses, sweaters and hats—all for 
the gal who likes to go out and be seen. The garment at left, a “spider 
sweater,” has no thermal properties whotsaever. But, of course, that’s not the 
point. See Justine's creations for yourself at jusfinebatemon.corn. 


21 


22 


THE PLAYBOY MARGARITA MIXER TASTE TEST 


Overall rating The 
агдаг оп а scale of Downside morning after | Slogan 
one to five* 9 we'd like to see 
Increases your | Makes lips so salty The Different. After two ginger | Challenge your im- 
Daily's Green Pucker power to 10 | kissing rarely lasts | Strokes episode in | ales and two liters | mune system like it 
Demon times its normal more than 10 which Dana Plato's | of water, you still | has rever been 
= strength seconds hair turns green won't have to pee | challenged before | 
|. r = E 
Causes a vermilion 
J 
ose ea Ag itsa margarita mustache Lipstick in Your burps smell like Шоо те 
E chick magnet | inthree outof 10 | surprising places air freshener 
Strawberry gi Ee prising pl Jonestown 
Lets give it 
Ani You! 
Sau Ag inounces the end | Announces the end ENTA foul say hello to ei 
of siesta. of siesta. Señor Wences 
Zapatistas 
Prompts roundtable 
You won't recog- We pity 
14 discussion onthe | Less punch thana | roc pathrooms | nize the stranger | the poor fool 
intelligence of jab by Gandhi dc 
in your bed who drinks this 
М.Т 
ike Florida, 
Tartier than Perak Cheapwomenin | Your heart beats | Try this between 
S Britney Spears bloc den Cancün bars in your head our tulips 
ыыт much citrus yos у ps 
"Our cleaning crew left a note suggesting the best flavor was achieved when ай five margaritas were mixed together. 


kids told her the lesson was boring. Gib- 

n livened things up by removing her 
shirt and proceeding to teach in a sports 
bra—for which she was promptly fired. 
"It didn't seem like a big deal," Gib- 
son said, "but maybe something's totally 
wrong with me." Step into our photo 
studio, ma'am, and we'll let you know 
for sure. 


PLAYFUL MATE 


Counta sense of humor among March 
2001 Playmate Miriam Gonzalez" 
plentiful assets. Re- 
cently, she was a 
celebrity mod- 


erator for one of our oft-cited sites, top 
five.com. From numerous entries, Gon- 
zalez compiled “The Top 15 Signs Your 
Neighbor Is a Playmate." Our favorites: 
"There are so many 13-year-olds mow- 
ing her lawn that it sounds like the Indy 
500." “You get an angry phone call at 
two AM. describing your barking dog asa 
real turnoff.” “Your son: ‘Come on, Dad, 
please let me camp out in the backyard.” 
You: ‘Son, go home before your wife and 
kids start to wonder where you аге.” 
“You've spoken with her hundreds of 
imes but still haye no idea what color 
her eyes are—or if she even has any.” 
“Her occupation is listed clearly as 
Playboy Playmate on the restraining or- 


der she just took out against you.” And 
the most telltale indication? “Her lawn is 
kept completely bare on the edges and 
trimmed neatly down the middle.” 


NETWHACKER 


‘The latest chapter in Henry Hill's sa- 
ga—documented in Nicholas Pile, 
markable book Wiseguy and Martin Scor- 
sese's film Goodfellas—can be found at 
goodfellahenry.com. Self described as 
"the only real hit on the web," it offers 
tours of his old stomping grounds, top- 
10 murder techniques ("Brooklyn Fog- 
ger: plastic bag over the head") and 
posal methods ("Coney Island 


DISH OF THE MONTH 


With wood-poneled walls decked out in cowboy art. 
and fly-fishing gear, Roaring Fork looks more like it 
belongs in the Rocky Mountains than in Scottsdole, 
Arizona. Chef Robert McGrath does what he calls 
American Western cuisine—macho helpings of dish- 
es like beef filet glazed with coffee-and-molasses 
“shellac.” One of Roaring Fork's best sellers is this 
dua of grilled pork tenderloin and braised boby 
back ribs. McGrath caoks the ribs in a sauce mode 
with lots af chilies and Dr Pepper. "The saft drink 
helps break down the meat,” he says. McGrath 
goes in far heavy-duty sides like blue-cheese bread 
pudding. Drop inta the bar during happy hour, 
when Buzzard's Breath back ribs, alsa cooked with 
Dr Р ga for $6. Worning: The bar may be packed 
aut. Regulars love ihe beef jerky, the trail mix and 
killer cocktails like the Wrath of McGrath: Smirnaff 
100-proaf jalapeno-flavared vodka served straight 
up—ice cold but red hat. 


ЧЕЛЕГИ Ме 


THE MONEY SHOT 


Know when to hold them, know when to fold 
them. And the best place to learn how to impress 
friends down at the corner bar is Origami Under- 
ground (underground.zork.net). Here, in case 
you haven't guessed, is a neatly folded dollar-bill 
vagina. The instructions are simple but actually 


making the damn thing isn't. We tried repeatedly. 
until we found a skilled woman who also knew 
origami. But since she gave the finished piece to us, 
we've been turning it upside down and sideways 
and we're still not positive which end is supposed to 
be up. One thing's for sure: Whenever we crumple it 


up, it snaps right back into shape. 


Foot-Long: Make 
А95 sure you have an 
at the meat pro- 
cessing plant”). Hill, 
who ratted out his Lucchese family bud- 
dies and then had the balls to get kicked 
out of the witness protection program, 
thumbs his nose at his enemies. In his 
Mobster Shop you can buy an auto- 
graphed Goodfellas movie poster—"Get 
yours before I get whacked." The best 
example of the precariousness of his pre- 
dicament can be found in the "Threat of 
the Week" section. One of our favorite 
entries reads, “Dear Stoolie Cock-Suck- 
er: 1 know exactly where to find you, you 
stinkin’ hump, and I'm gonna ass-fuck 
you with one of your shitty posters be- 
fore I bury a bullet in your ugly face." 


NURSE WRETCHED 


A worrisome indication of the quality 
of health care education in America can 
be found in an article written by nurse 
Francine Н. in the Framingham State 
College student paper. In it, she de- 
nounces the practice of fellatio by ask 
ing, "If you went to a hot dog stand and 
you got a hot dog and then it fell on 
the ground and you got dirt on it, rocks 
and hair, would you pick it up, put it in 
the bun and stick it in your mouth? No." 
Apparently this woman needs to meet 
tidier gents. 


THE TIP SHEET 


Tobacco cow pies: An ex-prison admin- 
ator is accused of taking bribes for 


WARREN'S PIECES 


len arrival on 


-old Brit 


10ws. 


don't hove a 


суз Noronha, who is strai 
s me more motivatian"). "| 


esigning cars 


what I think is 
1 could be 
I don't 


care about dressing 


women." The proof is 


on the page. 


F 


sneaking tobacco to inmates—he smug- 
gled bags of it inside cows’ rectums. 

Pee in your seats: ESPN Zone restau- 
rants around the country 
installed television moni- 
tors above urinals for full 
water-sports action. 

Feral Cheryl: An Aus- 
tralian doll that has dread- 
locks, piercings and pu- 
bic hair. Wax kit sold 
separately 

Vehicle-mounted Active 
Denial System: The Ma- 
rine Corps Times says 
the Marines have de- 
veloped a weapon that 
disperses energy in the 
form of microwaves 
thar can burn the skin 
of enemy soldiers. Or 
defrost a chicken from 
100 meters. 


\\ 


Half of me is 
Still a kid and 
half of me is 
a 60-year-old 
granny, mak- 


ч А ing sure pea- 
шла paint: A NS 
new futuristic auto fin- | yarmsocks 
ish that turns cars in- 
Bandi A: on and 
to chameleons. As you вид Bjork 


walk around the show- 
room and your angle of 
vision changes, so will the color of the 
car. But not the price. 

The Strategery Group: President Bush's 
long-range planning council headed by 
Karl Rove takes its name from a Satur- 

day Night Live-style send-up of the 
sm, Presidents malapropisms 


REFINED. 


Visit our cyber gollery to see how 


Uniquely Playmates limited edition 
fine art prints are refining the world 


of fine ort. 


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Y 


LIMITED EDITION FINE ART 


© 2001 Twelve-Twenly Productions, LLO, © 2001 Playboy. PLAYBOY, RABBIT HEAD DESIGN, UNIQUELY PLAYMATES and PLAYBOY LIMITED MITED EOITION — amor ory 
COLLECTIBLES logo are marks of Playboy and are used with. T dla ue 


26 


SIGNIFICA, 


QUOTE 

“He's still mad 
at me. He thinks 
I threw away all of 
his baseball cards. 
‘They'd be worth 
millions now.’ I'm 
quoting him: ‘Mil- 
lions now.'”—BAR- 
BARA BUSH ON HER 
SON GEORGE W. 


MUSICAL SHARES 

Of total music 
sales in the U.S. 
last year, the per- 
centage that was 
country music: 11. 
Percentage that 
was hip-hop: 13. 
Rock: 25. 


WORK STOPPAGE 

According to a 
survey by Accoun- 
temps, percentage 
of executives who 
spend more than an hour a day read- 
ing and sending e-mail: 57. Percent- 
age who spend more than two hours: 
20. More than three hours: 8. 


'GLOCI-AND-ROLL HIGH SCHOOL 

According to a poll of 45,000 stu- 
dents in grades one through cight, 
percentage of girls who feel unsafe in 
school: 52. Percentage of boys who. 
feel unsafe in school: 77. Percentage 
decrease in violent deaths in schools 
since 1992: 70. 


URNINGS 

Amount earned last year by James 
Dean: $3 ion. Amount earned by 
Marilyn Monroe: $4 million. By Jer- 
ту Garcia: $5 million. By Andy War- 
hol: $8 million. By Bob Marley: 
$10 million. By Theodore “Dr, Seuss” 
Geisel: $17 million. By John Lennon 
and Charles Shultz: $20 million. By 
Elvis: $35 million. 


GREY POOP ON 
Proportion of Parisians who own 
dogs: | of 3. Amount of dog crap pro- 
duced each day in the City of Light: 
16 tons. 


CURSE OF BAMBI 
According to a seven-year study, 
number of West Virginia decr hunt- 


FACT OF THE MONTH 

The light saber Liam Nee. 
son wielded in Star Wars: Epi- 
sode One brought in a win 
ning bid of $54,000 in a Soth- 
eby's HIV charity auction 


STATS AND FACTS 


ers taken to the 
hospital for serious 
injuries caused by 
falling out of tree 
stands: 84. 


PISSING YOUR 
LIFE AWAY 

According to a 
report by the Na- 
tional Association 
for Continence, 
which studies bath- 
room behavior, the 
total amount of 
time an average 
American spends 
in the can per year: 
2 weeks. Percent- 
age who say they 
"read or ponder se- 
rious issues" there: 
50. Percentage of 
men who say that 
they've made love 
there: 22. 


BALLS OF IVY 
The number of Ivy League play- 
ers who have ever made it to the Pro 
Bowl: 12. Number from Yale: 4. From 
Нагу, 


LA CAGE AUX FILLES 

"The percentage increase in the rate 
of incarceration of women between 
1980 and 1998: 516. The number of 
states with no laws barring sexual 
abuse or misconduct by male prison 
personnel: 5 (Alabama, Minnesota, 
Oregon, Vermont and Wisconsin). 


CHILD'S PLAY 

Number of adult members in 
the U.S. Chess Federation in 1990: 
28,472. Number today: 27,073. Num- 
ber of child members (under 14) in 
1990: 3266. Number today: 35,196. 


GRADE INFLATION 
Percentage of adults who give their 
sex lives a grade of B: 13. А grade of 
А: 29. Of A-plus: 40. 


ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE 
According to a Sales and Marketing 
Management magazine survey, percent- 
age of salespeople caught cheating 
on their expense reports whose fabri- 
cations included listing strip clubs as 
restaurants: 22. — —ROBERT S. WIEDER 


Vinnie's Tampon Case: Vinnie doesn't 
need it and neither do you, but your 
girlfriend may get a kick out of this gag 
gift from Blue О, a Pittsfield, Massa 
chusetts distributor. And it comes with. 
charts, one called “Know Your Flow” 
and another titled "My Pals/Their Peri 
ods,” Fresh. 


HOG HEAVEN 


Like a modern-day migration of the 
wildebeest, bikers numbering in the 
thousands head to Daytona Beach, Flori- 
da for an annual belly-bouncing pow- 
wow. Their presence does not go un- 
noticed by local naturalists, either. Here 
are some headlines that appeared on 
the front page of the Daytona Beach News 
Journal Online during this year's Bike 
Week festivities—headlines that clearly 
reveal one city’s conflicted soul. Wednes- 
day: Jeep Crash ‘Traps Bikers; Bystand- 
ers Lift Vehicle Off Victims. Interstate 
4 Traffic Accident Claims Wisconsin Bik 
er's Life. Thursday: A Plea for Bikers to 
Wear Helmets. Motorcycle Officer Hit 
by Biker During Traffic Stop. Pet Super- 
store Adding Biker Wear for Four-Leg. 
ged Friends. Police: Prescription Drugs 
Involved in Main Street Wreck. Sky Div- 
er Crashes Into Woman at Bike Week 


ARS LONGA 


Leave it to the Germans to orga- 
nize what the rest of the world 
happily treats as a 

sloppy pas- 

sion. The 

new Erotic 

Museum in 


from various 

cultures, like 

the ivory 

carving from 

Japan pic- 

tured here. 

Can't make 

the trip? Pick 

up a copy of 

its epony- 

mous book 

(Porkstone 

Press) by 

Hans-Jürgen 

Dópp—yov'll 

find everything but 

the gift shop and museum peep 
show. There are phallic monoliths 
from Bali, a flesh-flute player from 
Mexico and lots of German ex- 
pressionist etchings of chicks with 
dicks. Much of the hot stuff is 
from—where else?—France. And 
if you think you are any freakier 
than your grandparents, check out 
Otto Rudolph Schatz’ watercolor 
Tit Fuck. Gesundheit! 


11€ ces] THI ING: 
TE AE FE ARE BAS sic IN 


© Philip Mortis nc. 2001 
16 mg "tar; 1.0 mg nicotine av. percigarette by FTC method 
The amount of “tar” and nicotine you inhale will 

vary depending on how you smoke the cigarette. 

For more information about PM USA and its products, 

visit www.philipmortisusa.com or call 1-877-PMUSAWEB. 


E SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


PLAYBOY 


28 


[coleslaw wrestling] Event. Friday: Wom- 
an Still Hospitalized After Being Hit by 
Sky Diver. Chief Urges Patience, Avoid- 
ance of Core Event Areas. Some Resi- 
dential Streets Blocked to Bike Traffic. 
Noise Study Report Could Be Ready in 
3-4 weeks. Stunt Motorcyclist Injured 
After Missing Landing Ramp. Bike Week 
at Full Entertainment Throttle. Saturday: 
Bikers Keep Emergency Rooms Busy 
Consummate Film Biker Fonda Trips 
Into Town. Sunday: Five Stabbed in Fight. 
Dune Buggy on Tracks Hit by Train. 


$ 


Exotic Dance Club Arrests. Locals Have 
a Love-Hate Relationship With Bike 
Week. Monday: Motorcycle Rider Dies 
in Crash-Marred Races. Motorcyclist 
Dies After Ramming SUV: Death Toll 
Sits at Five as Curtain Falls on Festivi- 
ties. Bike Week Wraps Up Kinder, Gen- 
tler Year. 


THE OW OF POOH 


Remember how as a child you won- 
dered what your favorite stuffed animals 
did when the lights went out? Well, some 
adults know the answer, and it's not pret- 
ty. The world of plushophiles—fetish- 
ists with a thing for stuffed toys, a.k.a. 
plushies—has received occasional atten- 
tion in the press. But we had no idea 
of how far this problem had spread un- 
til we heard about Fox Wolfie Galen's 


"You can do it on 
cruise ships, you 
can do it at 
home, so why 


shouldn't you be 
able to have 
relations 


Furry Plushie Page and its plushie lexi- 
con. Having sex vith toys is one thing, 
but talking about it is way over the top. 
Consider: 

Biosexual: Someone who prefers to 
fuck biological partners. 

Boink: Kinder, gentler, gender-neutral 
term for plush lovemaking 

Boinkable: Term applied to a plush- 
ie which is seemingly custom-made for 


pleasuring. A talented plush. 

Boink space: A place on a plushie that's 
pleasing to poke 

Carpet burn: What vigorous contact 
with a toy's rough fabric can give to a 
plushophile. 

Meekometer: Meeko, the cute raccoon 
from Pocahontas, was made into a plush 
toy that has become the most popular 
stuffed critter in Plushiedom. It's also a 
standard unit of measurement that al- 
lows empiricists to convey the relative 
size of plushies. One Meekometer equals 
90 inches 

Plushgasm: An orgasm elicited by mak- 
ing love with a plushie. 

Scent boink: Becoming aroused or mas- 
turbating while smelling a plushie. 

White fuzzies: Fiber- 
fill that adheres to 
one's penis alter 
insertive sex 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


The Princess and the Warrior (Sony Pictures 
Classics) is an infuriating film. Strange- 
ly compelling at times, drawn out, then 
downright silly, this 
fable will test the pa- 
tience of many a mov- 
iegoer. Franka Poten- 
te, whom the director, 
Tom Tykwer, intro- 
duced to the world in 
Run Lola Run, plays a 
good-hearted nurse 
who is run over by 
a truck; the reckless 
young man (Benno 
Fürmann) who caused 
the accident also helps. 
save her and thus 
becomes imbedded 
in her consciousncss. 
When he later turns 
up at the asylum 
where she works, they 
begin an odd and 
tentative relationship. 
Tykwer sees his fable 
as a tribute to the 
power of love, and at 
times he conveys that 
fe But a series of 
illogical and off- 
putting incidents and characters does ev- 
erything possible to push us away. YY 


Hedwig and the Angry Inch (Fine Line) is 
ng and enjoyable film that is dou- 
bly successful: as a first-rate adaptation 


І go to movie theaters in Los Ange- 
les on a regular basis. It's easy to spot 
me: I'm the one running up the aisle 
to the lobby of the multiplex, desper- 
ately looking for someone—anyone— 
to tell that the film Pm trying to watch 


s out of focus. 

There's a ritual to be observed. I've 
learned that no matter how blaring the 
noise, no matter how blurry the pre- 
view trailers are, those indignities are 
to be ignored; the sound and focus 
have been set for the feature film, and 
it doesr't pay to complain until the 
main titles come up. Then, and only 
then, can I see if I'm in for a decent 
presentation. 

As often as not, I'm the only one 
complaining. No wonder theater own- 
ers seem to have no concern about giv- 
ing the public its money's worth. 


IN AND OUT OF FOCUS 


of the long-running off-Broadway show, 
and as a thorough rethinking of the ma- 
terial in cinematic terms. John Cameron 
Mitchell re-creates his starring role as 
Hedwig (born Hansel), an "internation- 


EN 


ally ignored rock singer" whose botched 
sex-change operation and subsequent 
dumping by the boy-toy rock star he set 
on the road to success have left him 
dazed and embittered. He tours the U.S. 
with his band, playing in fourth-rate 
motel lounges, dogging the rock idol 


In olden days, it required only a 
couple of loudmouths to shout, “Fo- 
cus!" or "Frame the picture!" to reme- 
dy these ills. Nowadays, those pleas fall 
on ears that aren't so much deaf as 
nonexistent. Most of the time, there is 
no human being at the projector. 


The dodo bird has nothing on 
the professional movie projection- 
ist. One of the last full-time union- 
carded specialists in Hollywood ex- 
plained to me that he only works at. 
his company's flagship theater on the 
ight shift. That way, he can repair the 
damage done during the day by in- 
experienced theater staff who simply 
switch the machines on and off. Man- 
agement figures that if anyone com- 
plains during a sparsely attended mat- 
inee, it's cheaper to pay them for their 
inconvenience with free passes than to 
hire union men to work all day. 
What's more, the labor involved in 
screening a movie has been dramati- 


who now ignores him and leaving most 
of his audiences perplexed. Mitchell 
adapted his stage text for the screen and 
directed the film, with music and lyrics 
by co-star Stephen Trask. The score is so 
good, and the staging 
of the key numbers 
so ingenious, that the 
wary viewer is won 
over, despite the odd 
premise of the piece. 
Mitchell gives a re- 
markable (and, con- 
sidering how long he 
has played the role 
onstage, remarkably 
fresh) performance 
as the acerbic Hed- 


These days, if a 
movie isn't edgy, it 
may not be acknowl- 
edged at all. Green- 
fingers (Samuel Gold- 
wyn) has little if any 
edge. In fact, you 
might be tempted 
to call it nice, which 
is tantamount to a 
death sentence in to- 
day's market. But 
nice is exactly what it is: an upbeat Brit- 
h film inspired by the true story of in- 
mates at a progressive prison who be- 
gin gardening and wind up competing 
at England's most prestigious flower 
show at Hampton Court. Clive Owen 
(who had the title role in Croupier) plays 


cally reduced by the invention of the 
platter projector, which holds an en- 
tire film in one loop, eliminating the 
need for reel changeovers—formerly а 
projectionist's major task. The prob- 
lem arises from having to seta fixed fo- 
cus and sound level, which forces an 
audience to live with variations 
during the preshow. (The other prob- 
lem is that films are subjected to more 
wear and tear than ever before; per- 
haps that's why even relatively new 
prints have distracting lines, scratches 
and splices.) 

Acknowledging the need for quality. 
control, Kodak launched a program 
called Screen Check several years ago, 
sending field representatives to the- 
aters to make sure the equipment was 
properly maintained, enough light 
was being used, etc. The last time I saw 
the promotional trailer for this service 
atmy neighborhood theater, it was pro- 
jected out of focus. Honest. —LM. 


28 


a loner who's drawn out of his shell by 
his crafty old roommate (David Kelly, co- 
star of Waking Ned Devine); together they 
embark on a most unlikely quest. Even- 
tually, the doyenne of English gardens 
(Helen Mirren) is inspired to guide and 
even sponsor them. Greenfingers may not 
be gritty or terribly incisive, but it fits the 
definition of a feel-good film. ¥¥/2 


If Hollywood had produced anything 
this year as clever or original as The Crim- 
son Rivers (Tristar), I'd be a happier guy. 
This is a first-rate crime thriller, and if it 
were in English it would be a hit, along 
the lines of Seven and Silence of the Lambs. 
Because it's in French, it will be rele- 
gated to art houses and that's a shame; it 
deserves a bigger audience. The won- 
derful Jean Reno stars as the head of a 
special-inyestigations unit who travels to 
a wintry valley where a man has been 
tortured and killed. A series of clues 
leads Reno to believe the murderer 
wants him to follow a path—from one 
body to another. Meanwhil 
town cop (Vincent Cassel) investigates 


a small- 


the desecration of a young girl's grave, 
and eventually crosses paths with Reno. 
To reveal more would spoil a movie 
brimming with surprise. 1 have a feeling 
we'll be seeing an American version be- 
fore long; take my advice and see the re- 
al thing first. ¥¥¥ 


Jump Tomorrow (ІЕС) is a romantic com 
edy so slight, so small, that examining it 
feels like pinning down a butterfly: I fear 
I might tear its wings. But this debut fea- 
ture from director Joel Hopkins shows 
great promise, and if it takes a while to 
win over the viewer, it’s worth the effort. 
Newcomer Tunde Adebimpe plays an 
uptight office worker on his way to an 
arranged marriage with a woman from 
his native Nigeria. But a chance meet- 
ing with a luminous Latina (Natalia Ver- 
beke) leads him astray. His newfound 
French friend, Gerard (Hippolyte Gi- 
dot), encourages him, because in his 
mind, love is all. Filmmaker Hopkins 
may be a miniaturist, but his film has 
genuine charm. ¥¥/2 


SCENE STEALER 


THORA BIRCH. First NOTICED IN: Ри? 


ple People 


Eater, at the age of six (following TV com- 
mercials at four and a half). RECENTLY AC- 
CLAIMED FOR: American Beauty. HOW SHE 


DESCRIBES HER CHARACTER IN TERRY ZWI- 
GOFF'S UPCOMING GHOST WORLD: "Enid 


is a zany, vivacious character who is 
on one track one minute, and on 
another five minutes later." THE 
ADVANTAGE SHE HAS OVER ACTRESS- 
ES WHO HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING 
MOST OF THEIR LIVES: “The only 
advantage it gives me is the 
awareness of how much there 
is yet to learn and do. I grew. 
up in the industry and that's 
where I'm most comfortable." 
ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES SHE 
EVER TURNED DOWN: When 

І read the script for Amer- 

ican Pie, 1 laughed my ass 
off—it was so funny, but there 
wasn't a particular character. 

that I glommed on to, where 1 
could see this being really fulfill- 
ing." THE PART SHE COULD SEE HER- 
SELF PLAYING YEARS FROM NOW: 
“This is way down the line: the 
Ellen Burstyn part in Requiem. 
for a Dream. Her performance 
in that was so powerful, so bril- 
liant." THE THING ABOUT ACTING. 
THAT STILL TURNS HER ON: “The 
work itself, being on the sct, 
creating a character, pushing 
myself further each day, trying 

to take on challenges and roles 
that will make me work to be- 
come that other person." —L.M. 


MOVIE SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Angel Eyes (Listed only) Jennifer Lo- 
pez and Jim Caviezel turn in sin- 
cere performances in a predictable 
story about a cop and a loner who 
share a connection—but don't realize 
it, as they begin to fall in love. — ¥¥/2 
The Crimson Rivers (See review) Jean 
Reno and Vincent Cassel star in this 
creepy, unpredictable French crime 
thriller about two cops whose paths 
intersect while they track clues to 
what appears to be a serial killer. ¥¥¥ 
Greenfingers (See review) Clive Owen 
(Croupier) stars in this pleasant come- 
dy based on real-life British prisoners 
who made names for themselves as 
gardeners Wh 
Hedwig and the Angry Inch (See review) 
The off-Broadway musical about an 
obscure, self-loathing transvestite 
rock singer has been faithfully cap- 
tured on film—but reinvented cine- 
matically with considerable success. 
The song score is a standout. yyy 
Jump Tomorrow (See review) A small, 
independent film with definite charm, 
about an uptight office worker whose 
family-planned marriage is doomed 
once he falls for a charming Latin 
woman Wh 
Moulin Rouge (Listed only) Ewan Mc- 
Gregor and Nicole Kidman try to 
breathe life into their roles as star- 
crossed lovers, but they're smothered 
by Baz Luhrmann's grotesque carni- 
val of a movie. The visuals are stag- 
gering, but you're not supposed to 
leave a musical movie whistling the 
production design. EM 
The Mummy Returns (Listed only) Bad 
writing is just one curse attributable 
to this lamebrained sequel. Brendan 
Fraser and Rachel Weisz deserve bet- 
ter, and so do we. vh 
Pearl Harbor (Listed only) A big, enter- 
taining, sometimes silly Hollywood 
movie—better than we have any rea- 
son to expect from producer Jerry 
Bruckheimer and director Michael 
Bay. The central Pearl Harbor re-cre- 
ation is a knockout. yyy 
The Princess and the Warrior (See review) 
Tom Tykwer, of Run Lola Run fame, 
has concocted a heavy-handed fa 

ble with Lola star Franka Potente as 
a nurse who is drawn to a strange 
young man. yy 
Time and Tide (Listed only) Hong 
Kong director Tsui Hark's latest ad- 
vertises “уоп won't know who's shoot- 
ing who," which is one of tlie prob- 
lems: The action scenes are great, but 
this movie is just confusing yy 


YYYY Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it. 


ENJOYEDIN 


135 COUNTRIES. 


MADE IN A TOWN 
WITH ONE STOPLIGHT. 


2 
& 
> 
о 
м 


NI 


TASSANNAL 


JACK DANIEL'S e WHISKEY 


РАТ SHIT 


"| love all those Seventies films like The 
Exorcist, MASH, The Last Picture Show, 
Young Frankenstein, The Godfether and 
Love end Deeth,” says Dr. Drew 

Pinsky, host of Men Are From. 

Mars, Women Are From Ve- 

nus. “But I'll step out of 

that decade—in both di- 
rections—from Charlie 

[| Chaplin's Modern Times 

© 10/5 e Wonderful Life to 

2001 to The Pleyer. | 
prefer comedies to 
dramas, especial- 

{ ly when in hotel 
JM rooms. At home, our 
Ы movie-watching rit- 

ual is popcorn from 

Blockbuster, blan- 

kets, feet up, a fire. 

Nowadays, our kids drive our movie choic- 
es, which are mostly Disney films. | was 
delighted when our daughter finally gradu- 
ated to Miss Congenielity." —SUSAN KARLIN 


CONCERT-ED EFFORTS 


Grateful Dawg, a documentary with lots 
of concert footage exploring Jerry Gar- 
cia's bluegrass roots, gets limited release 
to theaters in August before it finds its 
way to video. Here are a few other "all 
access" movies about music 

Woodstock (1970): The 1969 concert for 
500,000 that rocked the world. Look for 
the director's cut with added footage, in- 
cluding acts ( Janis Joplin, for one) edit- 
ed from the theatrical version 

The Last Waltz (1978): The first concert. 
film by a major director—Martin Scorsc- 
se—using Hollywood production tech- 
niques. The Band's last gig is an all-star 
jam, but watch out for Neil Diamond's 
very cool appearance. 

Gimme Shelter (1970): A fan is killed by 
Hell's Angels "security guards" at Al 
mont while the Rolling Stones play, fit- 
tingly, Sympathy for the Devil. Mick flinch- 
єз, but the film never does. Rock at its 
most primal, unfortunat 
James Brown: Body Heat (1979): This is the 
show that put soul brother number one 
back on the charts. Get the Sex Machine 
another cape. On DVD only. 

Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of Wight (1992): This 
1970 show on the English island cap- 
tures Jimi at his psychedelic height—a 
month later, he was dead. Purple Haze 
and Fire are missing, but most of the rest 
are here. 

Urgh! A Music War (1981): Filmed at var- 
ious venues in 1980, this rough-hewn 
film captures 30 groundbreaking punk 


32 and New Wave bands—the Police, the 


Cramps, X, UB40, the Go-Go's, Devo, 
Oingo Boingo, even reclusive XTC—at 
their frenzied best. Check out the punk 
fashions in the audiences. 

Eh “68 Comeback Special (1968): You 
haven't seen this? The King's first tele- 
vision special and first public perfor- 
mance in eight years finds him in fine 
voice and form in front of a very close 
live audience. 

The LA.M.I. Show (1964): The Teenage 
Awards Music International Show pre- 
sented Chuck Berry, the Stones, the 
Beach Boys, Gerry and the Pacemakers, 
the Supremes, Smokey Robinson and 
the Miracles, Jan and Dean, Marvin 
Gaye, Lesley Gore and James Brown. 
It’s only a kinescope (a tape from a TV 
monitor), but it rocks. 

U2: Rattle and Hum (1988): This documen- 
tary follows the lads from Dublin across 
America as they ride high in the charts 
lollowing the release of their breakout 
album, The Joshua Tree. Includes 11 songs 
not on the disc. 

Stop Making Sense (1984): This one builds 


Nothing can clear 
а roomful of wom- 
en faster than the 
Three Stooges. 


There's some- 

thing about Мое, 

Larry and Shemp 

(later Curly) and their approach to 
problem solving that most females just 
don't get. No matter, 12 of their freshmen 
features have been collected on DVD in 
The Three Stooges: The Early Years (Amer- 
ican Home Treasures). The Stooges (the 
vaudeville term for second bananas) cre- 
ate mirth from eye gouging and other may- 
hem and foster a world of ethical chaos. 
Beavis and Butt-head have nyuk-nyuk- 
nothing on these guys. — JOHN REZEK 


10 a frenzy, thanks to head Talking 
Head David Byrne's inescapable musical 
hooks and artsy staging (Why the big 
suit? Why not?) and director Jonathan 
Demme's calculated pacing. One of the 
best concert films ever. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


Steve McQueen, the Sixties paradigm of 
loner cool, was the inspiration for the re- 
cent independent hit The Tao of Steve. 
Those who wish to go back to the source 
will want the commentary-inclusive discs 
of both The Sand Pebbles (1966, Fox, $25) 
and The Magnificent Seven (1960, MGM, 


and superior audio, the commentaries 
afford the McQueen-inclined a primer 
on the enigmatic icon's unique ch'i 
"Steve McQueen clearly suffered, emo 
tionally, in life," Candice Bergen cau- 
tiously observes early in the audio com- 
mentary track of The Sand Pebbles. Her 
impressions of him fecl like a former stu- 
dent's recollections of a revered profes- 
sor in need of a hug. The Magnificent Sev- 
en commentary includes memories from 
James Coburn. “There was a competi- 
tive nature about Steve that, phew, got 
a little bit overwhelming sometimes," 
Coburn notes at one point. McQueen 
comes across as an alpha male with that 
tender inner core the ladies love. Who 


$20). In addition to wonderful transfers isn't tao with that? —GREGORY Р FAGAN 


The Pledge (an ex-cop obsessively stalks a young girl's killer: 
Sean Penn directs Jack Nicholson to the benefit of all), Pol- 
lock (the dazzling, tortured life of abstract expressionist 
painter Jackson Pollock; Ed Harris directs himself brilliantly). 


Chocolat (Juliette Binoche's confections cast liberating 
spells over French provincial light-asses; sweet and sexy. if 
light). The Gift (deep-South psychic Cate Blanchett unwraps 
a local murder mystery; tense and spooky, if obvious). 


SUPERNATURAL 


Snatch (director Guy Ritchie's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking 
Barrels follow-up; Clockwork Orange via Damon Runyon?), 
Essex Boys (more Britfellas, with erstwhile Patriot Games heel 
Sean Bean as top thug; a few flashes, bul no Snafch). 


Hannibal (Hopkins remains a serenely urbane flesh eater 
in Ridley Scott's satisfying Silence of the Lambs sequel), 
Guerelle (Fassbinder's fascinating final film mixes murder 
and a gay ménage д trois in a seaside brothel). 


THE DARK SIDE 


Those into Lionel Richie nostalgia be- 
cause of his new CD should check out 
the recently reissued The Commodores 
(Motown). This 1977 album is a pivotal 
work. Much of it is composed of the 
bright funk that defined the band. The 

dance floor-worthy 
Brick House, featuring 
drummer Walter Or- 
ange's nasty vocals, is 
On it. —NELSON GEORGE 


PATTY LOVELESS was born to make Moun- 
tain Soul (Epic), filled as it is with the kind 
of songs she heard growing up in Pike- 
ville, Kentucky. Some are traditional 
(Soul of Constant Sorrow, Rise Up Lazarus) 
and some are classic blue- 

grass (Jack Clement's Some- 
one I Used to Knou, the thrcc 
Stanley Brothers numbers). 
But even on the new ones, 
Loveless sounds like she 
has known them forev- 
er. Loveless has perhaps 
the most beautiful voice in 
contemporary Nash 
On her best numbers, s 
rcaches new heights: Dar- 
rell Scott's You'll Never 
Leave Harlan Aliw (which 
recounts the crushed 
hopes and tragic dreams 
of a coal miner), Sorrou- 
ful Angels (the story of an 
Appalachian Miss Hav- 
isham) and Cheap Whis- 
key (where she makes 

a pathetic drunk come 
to miserable life). This re- 
cord defines Patty Love- 
less not as a commercial 
property, but as an inspired and inspir- 
ing artist. —DAVE MARSH 


Missing You (Palm) is a 
powerful new release by 
Baaba Maal, who is ar- 
guably Africa's finest vo- 
calist. Recorded on a mo- 
bile unit in his village of 
Nbunk, Senegal, Maal's 
mellifluous vocals are sup- 
ported by harps, lutes, 
vibes, drums and guitars. 
His reggae influences and 
melodic singing recall a 
slightly sweeter Bob Mar- 
ley or Toots Hibbert. Maal's 
songs—which are tempered 
by Middle Eastern and 5 
ish influences—describe the trav 
and joys of father earth and mother 
Africa —VIC GARBARINI 


Missing You. 


Anglos generally don't do Latin well. 
So when singer-songwriter Kirsty Mac- 
Coll returned to recording last year with 
Tropical Brainstorm (Instinct), few cared 
that no U.S. company picked it up. We 
were wrong. MacColl was always a solid, 
sophisticated performer who shared her 
folkie dad Ewan's nose for a lyric. But 
here she's wild, sexy, risky and funny. 
She stalks a fan; she has computer sex 


Hedningarna has reissued its self-titled 
first album (NorthSide), and that's wel- 
come news for those who love Nordic 
folk music. Recorded in 1989, when the 
band was a trio, this disc established 
them as a tremendous dance band, capa- 
ble of building trance grooves using an- 
cient instruments. In subsequent years 
they added vocalists and various elec- 
tronic effects, but the stark beauty of 


with a guy in Amsterdam. The music 
isn't authentic and isn't supposed to be, 
but its fake-salsa lilt always puts it across. 
Tragically, MacColl died last December 
at the age of 41, hit by a speedboat while 
swimming in Mexico. This CD is filled 
with vitality. The fact that she was doing 
what she loved when the moment came 
only makes it worse. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Greg Trooper is a songwriter and per- 
former who deserves about 12 times the 
attention he's received. He knows how 
to play rock against country and folk and 
position the pressures of adulthood 
against the longing for adolescent free- 
dom. The result is Streight Down Rain 
(Eminent), with tracks like Nothin' But 
You. Real Like 
That and Tram- 
poline that would 
fit in a tavern 
in his native 
New Jersey or 
a honky-tonk 
in his adopted 
Nashville and a 
million joints in 
between. There 
being no room 
for smart adult 
music on radio 
shouldn't pre- 
vent you from 
making room 
for this in your 
house. —DM. Potty sings the blues. 

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band: 
Live in New York City (Columbia) is a re- 
markable two-CD set, most of it culled 
from his recent HBO concert. Every one 
of his classics reveals new dimensions, 


these eerie tunes can still melt your 
igloo. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Now that musicis dominated by rap- 
pers, female vocal groups and teen 
idols, is there room for a middle-aged 
Eighties icon? Twice in the Nine- 
ties Lionel Richie released music that 
was met with indifference. Renaissance 
(Def Jam), a collection that mixes | 
youthful producers with his melodies, 
is Richie's bid for prominence. Much 
of Renaissance consists of well-pro- 
duced dance numbers that, for all of 
their 21st century technical flourish- 
es, sound like the Lionel Richie of old. 
More radical are the two versions of 
Angel, a European club hit. But it's 
the straight love songs—Tender Heart, 
Don't You Ever Go Away and It May 
Be the Water, and a ballad like How 
Long—that ground this set. Richie has 
always been a great vocal technician 
who can move a lyric through a mel- 
ody with masterful control. 


Beach Boys: 

боой Vibralions 

ie Who: Who Are You 
| Crosby, Stills & Nash: 


Sui: Judy Blue Eyes +- 


‘Louis Jordan: Caldonia — 


and some (like The River) are com- 
pletely reworked. Others, such as 
Atlantic City, are recorded with the 
E Street Band for the first time. The 
50-ish Springsteen is simply astonish- 
ing. His songs about despair and 
struggle are transformed into cele- 
brations. The CD contains six songs 
not on the HBO special, including 
renditions of Jungleland and Born in 
the USA. Thé guy from Jersey has 
proved again that rock and roll is 
not dead. —хс. 


1f you thought that Nuggets: Origi- 
nal Artyfacts From the First Psychedelic 
Era was the greatest of all boxed sets, 
as I did, you're going to have heart 
palpitations at the mere suggestion 
Of Nuggets П: Original Artyfacts From the 
British Empire ond Beyond (Rhino). Doc- 
umenting the garage rock explo- 
sion of the Sixties outside the U.S., 
Nuggets 11 demonstrates that the in- 
vention of the fuzz pedal inspired 


33 


34 


STRANGE BEDFELLOWS DEPARTMENT: The 
White House tried to sell President 
George W. Bush's budget by passing out 
the lyrics to the Stones’ You Cant Always 
Get What You Want. The spokesman 
said it showed their "witty side." We 
see this bunch as more of a 19h Ner- 
vous Breakdown. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Look for Mor- 
vin Goye's daughter Nona playing op- 
posite Will Smith in Ali and listen for 
her next CD. . . . Mark Wahlberg's com- 
edy Rock Star will be out next month. 
Inspired by Judas Priest, it was former- 
ly called Metal God. . . . Ray Charles’ 
son will co-produce a film bio about 
his dad called Unchain My Heart. . . . 
Elvis' best movie is going to bea 
play. Jailhouse Rock will be 
seen first in LA this fall 4 
and then around 
the country. All 
the songs are in- 
tact. . . . Lil Kim 
and the Roots’ Tariq Trotter 
will star in the indie film 
10029, the zip code for 
East Harlem. 

NEWSBREAKS: The Outkast clothing 
line will launch with menswear. Next 
year there'll be lines of women's and 
children's clothes, too. . .. With Tupac's 
latest CD selling like hotcakes and a 
play about his life produced in New 
York this past spring, his mother says 
all of the 150 tracks he left will even- 
tually be released. Next up: another 
double CD this fall. . .. Come cele- 
brate Lovis Armstrong's centennial in 
New Orleans August 2 through 4. 
Stick around for Ellis Morsolis and his 
four talented sons along with Harry 
Connick Jr. to team up for an Arm- 
strong tribute concert at the Universi- 
ty of New Orleans. Call 504-299-7175 
for more information. .. . The Oxford 
‚Americans fifth double music issue just 
came out. The accompanying CD is a 


must-have. .. . If you make it to the 
Rolling Rock Town Fair 2.0 in La- 
trobe, Pennsylvania in carly August 
for Stone Temple Pilots, Incubus and the 
Deftones, you'll see a brand-new main 
stage similar to a turntable. It will al- 
low one band to set up while another 
is playing, which means the music will 
be continual. . . . When you think of 
Chuck Leavell, you picture him at the 
piano with the stones or reunited with 
the Allman Brothers for a tour, as he 
was this past spring. You probably 
don't think of him as a rock- 
and-roll tree farmer, but 
then you haven't read his 
book, Forever Green (Long- 
street Press), about Ameri- 
can forests. It comes with 
a solo piano CD, Forever 
Blue. . . . John Bonham's 
stainless steel drum kit 
went for $15,000 at auc- 
tion in London. . . . Madi- 
son Square Garden vill host 
a Michael Jackson anniversary 
party in September with per- 

formances by Michael and his 
brothers, Whitney, Britney, Shaggy and 
"М Sync. . . . Andrew Morton, who wrote 
bios of Princess Di and Monica Lewinsky, 
will have his unauthorized Madonna 
book in stores this November. .. . The 
London musical about the Pet Shop 
Boys, Closer to Heaven, stars Poul Keo- 
ting, who was the lead in Tommy. . . . If 
we lived in Italy, we could sce David 
Bowie's Dracula miniseries. Maybe it 
will make its way to us... . We're not 
surprised that the Mormon Tabernacle 
Choir didn't appear at Ozzfest. Mor- 
mons were expected to share a 1340- 
acre site with the festival this past 
June in San Bernardino, California, 
but the concert was "completely in- 
compatible with our cclebration," said 
a Mormon spokeswoman. Praise the 
Lord. — BARBARA NELLIS 


METER 


Christgau | Garbarini | George | Marsh | Young 
6 7 6 5 8 
7 7 7 10 Y 
9 8 8 8 7 
Kirsty MacColl 
ea Lo 8 o La ls 
Lionel Richie 
Renaissance 4 6 8 5 6 


young men around the world to beat 
riffs to death while rearranging their 
brain synapses with LSD. The quality is 
a little more uneven than it was on the 
original set, but the intended hilarity of 
the liner notes works and is indeed hilar- 
ious and highly informative. —cx 


Slug, of Minneapolis’ Atmosphere, is 
the anti-Eminem. He's no do-gooder, 
but while he clearly comes out of the 
same nowhere culture, he's more inter- 
ested in frustration and anxiety than 
rage. Lucy Ford (Rhymesayers, 2411 Hen- 
nepin Ave. South, Minneapolis, MN 
55405) is one of the least grandiose rap 
albums ever. Listen up and you'll hang 
on every word. RC 


After 14 years and eight CDs of ex- 
hilarating Irish folk music, Cherish the 
Ladies decided it was time to mix it up 
with the other half of the human race on 
The Girls Won't Leave the Boys Alone (Wind- 
ham Hill). The boys include stars from 
the folkie circuit: the Clancy Broth- 
ers, Pete Seeger, Arlo Guthrie and Eric 
Weissberg. Not that the Ladies are in 
need of any help. =e% 


Kirsty's Brainstorm. 


One of Nashville's original wild men, 
Billy Joe Shaver is single-handedly bring- 
ing back outlaw country on The Earth Rolls 
On (New West). The guitar at the end of 
Evergreen Fields blasts away at Lynyrd 
Skynyrd level, and the introduction to 
the title track is Paint It Black. But the 
CD's focus is Shaver's love for his wife, 
Brenda, and son, Eddy (who played that 
guitar solo), both of whom recently died. 
‘The boldest song is Blood Is Thicker Than 
Water, a father-and-son duet that never 
flinches in its depiction of consequences 
The Shavers are philosophically contra- 
dictory, preaching Jesus and singing 
about sluts in the same tune. —D.M. 


SMART CARS 


The first graduating class of smart cars 
will be ready to roll out later this year. 
The brains inside them are courtesy of 
Microsoft Car.net (an operating system 
based on Windows CE for Automotive 
3.0). Smart-car drivers will have access to 
Internet updates, entertainment (DVD 
movies or video games), real-time navi- 
gational features (GPS directions, city 
guides, etc.) and other road-trip tools. 
For working on the run, these automo- 
biles will come equipped with advanced 
communication capabilities (hands-free 
cell phone access, e-mail and instant mes- 


sages) and Palm Pilot functions. Micro- 
soft’s operating system also adds im- 
proved security. Should anyone attempt 
to open the door, the car dials the own- 
er's cell phone. When the owner answers, 
the car stereo acts as a two-way speak- 
er system, allowing communication with 
the person on the outside. If it's 
your buddy, you can open 
the door for him with the 
push of a button. If it's 

a thief, you can sound 

the alarm or call the po- 
lice, or both. Best of all, 
most of these luxuries will 
work primarily with speech 
recognition designed for safe 
driving. Many Cadillac mod- 

els are expected to ship with 
custom Car.net systems. By the 
end of the year, Microsoft coy- 

ly promises that "a very large 
German luxury manufacturer" 
will begin using Car.net-enhanced 
intelligence. —MARC SALTZMAN 


NUON DVD 


Our rule is simple: Any technology that 
can bring us closer to Elizabeth Hurley is 
worth checking out. With that in mind, 
we watched the recently released Bedaz- 
zled DVD, the first to offer features us- 


ing Nuon technology. Developed by VM 
Labs, Nuon is a special chip built into a 
DVD player that enables all of the cool 
features we were promised by the DVD. 
format. The 128-bit processor (com- 
pared with the 32-bit of an average DVD 
player) can perform roughly 1.5 billion 
commands per second, which allows us- 
ers to access sound and picture controls 
onscreen during playback, take advan- 
tage of multiple camera angles and per- 
form strobelike screen captures. Our fa- 
vorite feature: a powerful zoom control 
that can magnify any area of the 
screen up to 20 times. When used 
on the Bedazzled DVD during Bren- 
dan Fraser's basketball scene, the 
intense close-up reveals many of 
the seated spectators to be card- 
board cutouts. We found it particu- 
larly useful for getting a good look at 
Hurley in her schoolgirl outfit. Nuon- 
enhanced DVD players can also play 
specially designed video games by con- 
necting a game pad (included with most 
Nuon models and also sold separately). 
Although the available games aren't 
going to rival those for PlayStation 2, 
there are several fun titles such as Bal- 
listic, Monopoly, Myst and Merlin Rac- 
ing. Nuon DVD players from Toshiba 
and Samsung are already in stores for 
about $250. And don't worry, Bedazzled 
and other Nuon DVDs will still play 
on regular DVD players. You'll 
just miss out on the special Hur- 
ley fashion show, one of the 
Nuon-only features. 
—JASON BUHRMESTER 


‘out Gran 


e ne 


Gone ore the doys of schlepping both o cell phone and a Polm Pi- 
lot. Somsung ond Kyocera have combined the two. And becouse 
these cell phone-PDA combos ore powered by Polm softwore, they 
con run any available Palm applications. Kyocera's PDA phone 
(Ihe QCP 6035 Smartphone) was the first to hit the streets, The 
cell phone-sized device flips open to reveal o fully functional 
PDA, complete with stylus (about $500). Lotely we've been 
carrying Samsung's new SPH-I300 wireless digital ossistant 
(left). Like the Kyocera, Somsung's phone works with Sprint 
PCS and offers wireless Internet, voice dialing, speoker- 
phone, eight MB memory, a built-in voice recorder and the 
usual lists of a PDA for about $500. But Samsung odds 
о few features so far unseen in o PDA-phone combo. 
First, this sleek, silver device hos an eight-bit full-color 
display. Second, it ditches the flip-style keypad for on 
onscreen touch pad with lorge numbers that you con 
press without a stylus. The SPH-I300 con even ac- 
cess PDA functions while you're on the phone. With 
the speokerphone or o headset, you'll be able to 
y enter information, check your schedule ond per- 
form other tosks while you chat. Especially use- 
ful: a tiny LCD screen on the top of the unit so you 
соп check the coller ID without digging the phone 
out cf your shir! pocket. —JAMES OLIVER CURY 35 


А 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 162 


Benes He 


Бһерот 


Datum Home 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


MAXIMUM SLEAZE 


You can read The National Enquirer or Star for celebrity goss 
but for truly sleazy tales of drug consumption, scandalous af- 
fairs and ego-driven acts of idiocy, there's one place to go: 
popbitch.com. This London-based scandal sheet drips with 
juicy rumors. Though some of the stories turn our to be bo- 
gus, Popbitch has had its share of scoops. For example, it was 
the first to report on the name of Madonna's second child, 
Rocco. But we'll probably never find out the truth behind the 
recently reported Kate Moss incident. According to the site, 
during a fashion shoot in a “derelict house,” the supermod- 
el asked to use the toilet. “The assistant told her: "Well, there 


Joses and Gardens © 


[house & home 
AE 


E 


CYBERCAFES.COM Your search resulted! 


CUSTOM SHOES 


Most shoe stores disappoint me. I don't like the 
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customatix.com, I can design shoes the way I like them. You 
start by clicking on a blank shoe or boot, then you choose op 
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MR. FIX-IT 


Our bathroom faucet is dripping. My wife wants to call 
the plumber. "For a leaky faucet? Hell, I сап do it myself." 
That night, I grab my toolbox, shut off the water un- 
der the sink and get 
started. But I can't fig- 
ure out how to remove 
et handle. Wife 
m calling the 
plumber." 1 wont give 
up that easily. I go 
to Better Homes and 
Gardens’ How-To En- 
cyclopedia (bhg.cı 


cm: Paris 


19 matches 


Food Garden House & Home 


Entertaining 


ho 


36 


me T Tar, hen ich eto т 
rovement mr _ >» 
ncyciopedia plumbing, wiring 


is a loo, but there's no door on it." 
Kate is supposed to have replied: 
"Well, how the fuck do I get in 
there, then?" 


SPEED-O-METER 


How fast is your Internet con- 
nection? Find out by visiting the 
Bandwidth Meter at msn.zdnet. 
com/partners/msn/bandwidth/ 
speedtest500.htm. I clocked in at 
129.9kbps, which is a hair over 
the 128kbps connection I pay for. 


The line drawings and 
clear instructions are 
just what I need. The 
following morning, I 
pick up a new O-ring 
and seat washer at the 
hardware store. Total 
cost: $1.16. I'm proud 
of myself. My wife is 
proud of me. Now she 
wants me to try mov- 
ing the hotwater heat- 
er outside. 


SPAM-FREE AND 
LOVING IT 


Now that members of 
Congress are finally 


sal NATALIA 


The nice thing about this site is the 
way it links to higher-speed ser- 
vices available in your arca code. I found out that for $10 
more a month 1 can sign up for a service nearly four times as 
fastas my current connection. Two things hold me back: One, 
I have a yearlong contract with my current company, and, 
two, I've heard various horror stories from friends who have 
gone а month without service as a result of switching pro- 
viders. For now, ГЇЇ stick with what I have. 


using e-mail, they ve 
begun introducing leg- 
islation to prohibit spam. Like most attempts at prohibition, 
making spam illegal won't stop it. Spammers will just start 
sending junk e-mail from countries that don't have laws 
against spam. I'm not waiting for the governments of every 
country on earth to lock up the spammers responsible for the 
50 or so spams 1 get each day. Instead, I'm using a technolo- 
gy-based solution that is available at (concluded on page 162) 


B 
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LITERARY LOOSE CHANGE 


Ischange good? John Irving and Nick Hornby offer new nov- 
els with differing opinions. Irving's The Fourth Hand (Random 
House) gives change a thumbs-up. After an awkward and flat 
beginning, the sweetly comic novel clicks smartly into place, 
focusing on Patrick Wallingford, a schlock TV newscaster 
who needs to shake up his aimless life. His only claim to fame 
is his missing left hand, eaten by 2 

Y circus lion during an interview. Of- 
fered the opportunity to receive the 
world's first hand transplant, 

he eagerly accepts, 


Ogg п though the 


donor's widow 
demands visita- 
tion rights. Smart 
choice. She's beau- 
tiful and sexy and 
possesses a voice that 
prompts an instant 
erection. Wallingford 
falls wildly in love. Nat- 

. HAN D urally, complications en- 
sue—some hilarious, some 

poignant, some medical. 

In How to Be Good (Riverhead Books), Brit author Nick Horn- 
by (About a Boy, High Fidelity) shows his less antic, more acer! 
feminine side with a narrator, Kate Carr, M.D., whose hus- 
band, David, is an overbearing lout. She yearns for change 
and unfortunately gets it. David falls under the spell of a 
loop y guru and embraces a new philosophy of selflessness and 
noble works. Being good isn't always better. иск LOCHTE 


|. AGNIFICENT 


OBSESSIONS 


Publishers hove filled coffee tobles with evocotive books on 
outlaw bikers ond one-percenters, but the world con stond 
only so much tattoo ond black leather. In Fost Company (Long. 
Wind) Jon Kral and Condoce Barbot focus on a different sub- 
culture—the men who know how to ride. More than 100 pho- 
tos copture the pogeontry of road rocing, from the umbrello 
girls working the storting grid to Ihe pit crews who polish and 
prepare the motorcycles to the fons who perform high kicks 
in o chorus line. The imoges ore powerful and oddly silent: 
Instead of the sound and fury of mo- 

chinery, you see concentrotion ond 

isolotion, oll the rituals that precede 

the oction. — JAMES R. PETERSEN 


EIGHT MILES HIGH 


For one year, anyone who entered the 
Los Angeles home of Dave Navarro, 
former guitarist for Jane's Addiction 
and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, had 
to step inside his photo booth. These 
photo strips, which include celebri- 
ties, strippers, pi tutes and even 
pizza deliverymen, appear in Don't 
Try This at Home (Regan). At times, Na. 
varro was just a regular guy who got 
freaked out by Ouija boards and ex- 
girlfriends. But he was also a stereo- 
typical rock star who received ran- 
dom blow jobs, possessed the skill 
to "fuck like he plays gui 
developed a heroin habit. Soon 
the only people who entered his 
home were those he paid. The 
cops also visited once, found 
some drugs and then became 

enchanted with the photo 

booth. If only Robert Downey 

Jr. had been so lucky—they left 
the drugs but took along photo- 
strips. Navarro lived to tell 

the tale. Like Behind the Music, 

this book lets us watch rockers 

self-destruct. —PATTY LAMBERTI 


Oh, for the long ball. From Frank 
Boker to Mork McGwire, the 
home run hos been the seminal 
play in American sports. Home 
Run (Horvest) is an onthology 
ded | fo the oct of hitting 
“over a woll. Editor 

on covers the liter- 

ith Don Delillo and 

Согзо, ond tosses in 

'obout Sodaharu Oh 


moments here come from the 
incomparable Red Smith, who 
writes about Bobby Thomson's 
ond Reggie Jockson's fabled homers. — —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


ALL BUTTERED UP: 

Next time you're in line for o 
large tub ot the movies, con- 
sider that Americans devour 
11 billion quorts of popcorn on- 
nuolly. Thot breaks down to 
about 44 quarts per person. For 
more flavorful trivia, see Andrew 
Smith's Popped Culture (Smith- 
sonian Press), a history of our fa- 
vorite snack. Connoisseurs will be 
fascinated with the outhentic reci- 
pes, including Coney Island pop- 
corn balls, popcorn pudding, pop- 
corn biscuits and even popcorn soup. 
Just watch out for those unpopped 
kernels. -HELEN FRANGOULIS 


By ASA BABER 


1 GAVE ONE of my friends the nickname 
RadFem because she's never heard a rad- 
ical feminist argument she hasn't liked— 
which means that on issues of sexual pol- 
itics, she will always parrot the party line 
(men are bad, women are good, end of 
story). As you might expect, RadFem 
and 1 have a few differences of opinion, 
but we remain semicongenial acquain- 
tances and get together on occasion 
for lunch. 

The last time that we met, RadFem was 
mired in what I call the Pay Gap Trap, 
convinced that men earn more than they 
should and that women are paying for it. 
As she so delicately put it, “You bastards 
steal money from us in the workplace 
every day. You stick us up in the alley 
and take one quarter of our cash and 
then act as if nothing has happened." 

RadFem snarled and tossed a newspa- 
per article at me. 

The headline read WOMEN STILL EARN 
LESS THAN MEN: PAY GAP STUDY SHOW 
CENTS уз. 51. The article began, “Despite 
economic prosperity over much of the 
past decade, a gender pay gap persists 
and finds women earning 76 cents for 


every dol man earns.” 
1 could see I was in for a difficult day. 
Any discussion of wages that begins with 


the so-many-cents-to-the-dollar compar- 
ison isn't destined to go well. That 
phrase is а соп, and you can guarantee 
that you are about to get clobbered. 

"Is this the best you can do?" I said, 
yawning. 1 handed the article back to 
RadFem, stirred my coffee and waited 
for the deluge. 

"You see that?" RadFem asked, point- 

ing at the article. "Seventy-six cents to 
the dollar? That means 1 have to work 
13 months to make what you make in 12 
months. That means I didn't catch up to 
your carnings for 2000 until April 3, 
2001 S 


sai vod old Equal 
Pay Day, another shrewd invention of 
itical propagandists. Keep those 


"I don't like your attitude," RadFem 
hulled. 

You never have,” 1 chuckled. "You 
nd your buddies are still playing the 
victim card when it comes to talking 
about equal pay for men and women. 
But you're cooking the books and calling 
men crooks on false evidence." 

RadFem glared at me. “So, Butthead, 
how much longer are men going to 
screw women by getting paid 25 percent 
more than we do—while we do most of 
the work: 

Rad Fem held a dollar bill between her 
forefingers and snapped it in my face. 
“When payday comes around, you get 


THE PAY 
GAP TRAP 


this entire dollar," she said. She tore off 
some of it. "But we only get this much." 

"You're a copycat," 1 smiled. "I saw 
that trick last night on MSNBC. A female 
newscaster taped a dollar bill next to the 
word men. Then she took some scissors 
and cut off part of another dollar and 
pasted the remainder of it next to the 
word women. Sometimes, a picture tells 
a thousand slurs. That TV moment was 
designed to make women feel angry and 
men feel guilty. 

“We've been on a 30-year guilt trip, 
and we're tired of it,” I continued. “That 
bullshit 76-cents-versus-a-dollar argu- 
ment may motivate your political base, 
but it is a misleading statistic, and you 
know it. You girls choose the numbers 
that suit your case, and then you present 
them as total truth." 

“Do the math," 
works." 

I took a deep breath and launched in- 
to it. "The math works only in the most 
simpleminded way. Your 76-cents-to- 
the-dollar figures are based solely on a 
comparison of the median incomes for 
men and women. But guess what? Those 
median incomes include people from all 
walks of life—manicurists as well as chief 
executives—and have nothing to do with 
whether people are receiving equal pay 
for equal work. You hear me, RadFem? 
You want to talk about pay equity, but 
the statistics you use do not answer ques- 
tions of equity." 

"You shouldn't be allowed to use the 
word equity," RadFem said. "You have 
no idea what it means." 

1 went on. "You don't account for dif- 
ferences between men and women in 
things like years in the workforce, time 


RadFem yelled. “It 


taken off for pregnancy and child care, 

educational and training levels, levels 
of expertise, performance reviews— 
none of that. You're comparing apples 
and oranges.” 

“Baber—" she interrupted. 

“One last point,” 1 continued. “If 
women continue to choose lower-pay- 
ing professions like teaching instead of 
fields like computer sciences and busi- 
ness, their pay levels will not go up. Con- 
sider the field of business administra- 
tion, which pays big bucks to those who 
thrive in it. Guess what? Even today, fe 
male enrollment in the nation's top bu 
ness schools makes up only 30 рётепг of 
the total. Why is that? Are you going to 
tell me women are locked out of business 
school? I don't think so. Clearly, women 
do not always follow the money like most 
guys do. That has a lot to do with why 
you are underpaid. 

“So we are underpaid!” my feminist 
friend shouted. "You just admitted it, 
Baber!” 

“Now we're getting somewhere,” I 
yelled. “The fact is that we are all under- 
paid, men and women. That's the point 
you refuse to consider when you have a 
pity party for women and accuse us guys 
of oppression and unfairness. None of 
us likes to look at our histories, but we 
have all been conned by this culture over 
the last half-century. Think about it: It 
now takes two breadwinners to earn 
what one used to be able to earn. Tax- 
es—federal, state, sales, etc.—take about 
half our money, and inflation eats up 
even more of it. I'm talking about both 
men and women. You think all these 
mothers and fathers want to leave their 
kids every morning? No way. 

"When you crank in inflation, the me 
dian white-collar male who made $19.24 
an hour in 1997 was earning an increase 
of just six cents an hour over a similar 
worker in 1973. And again, adjusting for 
inflation, the median male worker in the 
95-10-34 age group earned 13 percent 
less than that same worker would have 
earned in 1973. And between 1989 and 
1997, entry-level wages for male college 
graduates declined by 6.5 percent, the 
second consecutive decade during which 
their starting pay declined." 

"I don't believe a word of it; 
snorted. 

“That's because you feminists never 
nt men to look at their own ncial 
problems—or for women to look at men's 
problems. But it's time for you to see 
what we're dealing with. The vast majoi 
ity of men are not fat cats with golde: 
bats. We get laid off. We lose money. Life 
is nota tire swing, no matter what Jimmy 
Buffett says. So let's get together and fig- 
ure out what we can do, OK?” 


" RadFem 


- fort Colada: Put on mittens 
or ns. с 


oz. Sou бор, 
g with 1 1/2 oz. Southern Comp еле, 
pen? Ort, Im 
Z. pineapple jy ea, 
Stare with New лан CR a 


¡LOBAD, WAR 


Know your comfort level. Drink responsibly. For more drink recipes. visit southermeumfor com 


Southern Comfort Company. Liqueur, 21-50% Alc. By Volume, Louisville. KY © 2001 


hey... ICS personal 


BMW and Mercedes-Benz had better watch their backs. Jaguar's new X-Type sedan is poised 
ta pounce on the American market. Chaose between twa Vó power plants, a 194 hp 2.5-liter 
ar a 231 hp 3.0 versian, caupled ta either stick or autamatic. We tested it on twisting raads in 
Wales and the steering is cat quick. The grabber is the X-Iype's all-wheel-drive, and des; 
diminutive size, the trunk is the largest ever offered by the company, Inside, a British men's 
club awaits, all walnut ond leather. The Xelype's base price is about $30,000. 


Ice I$ Nice 


Just in time for the dog 
days of summer comes 
Chilly, a motorless frozen- 
dessert maker that you 
don't have to crank. The 
stainless steel gizmo goes 
into your freezer overnight 
so the saline solution in- 
side its airtight walls gets 
nice and cold. When 
you're ready to whip up а 
liter of ice cream, frozen 
yogurt or sorbet, just add 
the ingredients (recipes 
included) and about 30 
minutes later—party! 
William Bounds, the man- 
vfacturer, soys the Chilly 
is also ideal for preparing 
cold soups, sauces, dips 
and about anything else 
served chilled. The price: 
$BO. Chilly is available at 
gourmet retailers or go 
to wmboundslid.com for 
more information. 


MANTRACK . |. | |— 


Be Like a Mogul 


Maybe Owens Corning got the idea from Hef, who's been 
into the home-theater experience for years. The company is 
now offering the Visionaire FX Personal Entertainment Center, 
which comes with a video projection system, letterbox-format 
screen, Dolby Digital Surround sound, theater chairs, speaker 


columns ond acoustical panels, at a price that's less thon the 
sticker on a new Lexus. Because several sizes are available, 
the Visionaire FX can be installed in an existing house or con- 
do or one that's being built. The theater pictured here is the 
Connoisseur. The Sophisticate, which is a little more contempo- 
rary, is also available. For more info, go to owenscorning.com. 


Seat of Power 


We've all seen this 
chair in photos and 
on TY, but now 
Gunlocke, the 
manufacturer of 
the Oval Office 
Choir, has made it 
available to the 
public. There are 
three styles, priced at 
$2300, $2400 and 
$2500. Nixon and 
Carter chose the 
Ergonomic, the 
cheapest model 
(wouldn't yau 
know?), while 
Kennedy preferred 
the top-of-the-line 
American Classic. 
All have hardwood 
frames, bross 
hooded wheels and leather 
uphalstery. Choase 
from 17 colors (black 
is definitely the 
most popular) 
Allow eight weeks 
far delivery. 


42 


Clothesline: The Lone Gunmen— 
Bruce Harwood, Dean Haglund 
and Tom Braidwood 


Bruce Harwood, Dean Haglund ond Tom Braidwood (pictured 
below, left to right) ore a trio of computer-hacking conspiracy 
freaks from The X-Files who developed enough of a cult follow- 
ing as the Lone Gunmen to land their own series on Fox. So for, 
their celebrity hasn't gone to their wardrobes. Harwood, the 
most straitlaced 
ofthe bunch, 
looks like a 
wolking Dockers 
commercial. “Ex- 
cept I don't shop 
at Dockers,” he 
says. "I also 
don't like clothes 
with brand 
names on 
them.” Hoglund 
soys his look is 
"early Axl Rose 
I'll wear any T-shirt with a rock band on it and ony brand of 
jeans except Gap boot cut." Braidwood's look can be defined 
in one word: Torget. Hair products are another story. Hoglund 
tokes his shoulder-length tresses seriously: "Infusion 23 sham- 
poo, with its leove-in conditioner os on ofterthought, ond Paul 
Mitchell products for those floky, dry days." 


Guys Are Talking About... 


Hangover cures. This one cames with the imprimatur cf the In- 
stitute for Cellular Pharmacalogy. When taken twa haurs before 
consuming alcohol, prickly pear extract—fram the fruit af a cac- 
tus—renders the user hangover free far up ta three days. Or so 
claims Perfect Equation, the company that mokes HPF Hang- 
over Preventian Farmula. A 10-capsule box is $25. ® Military- 
inspired clothing. Milan's latest fe is moving west. Far the re- 
al Walf Pack commander look in time for fall, start warking on 
your beard now (they're back; they're hat). Meanwhile, Ameri- 
can designers are respanding with tie-dye-type print shirts and 
crumple-ready jeans made with steel threads. ® Bottle boosters. 
Fortified water—either vitamin enriched ar oxygenated—is the 
new thirst quencher. For the farmer, there's Reebok Fitness Wa- 
ter and Gatorade's Propel; for the latter, try Serven Rich. ® The 
Freak. A dry-hump dance popular among high schaalers that's 
spreading faster than it can be banned. Who da they think 
they are, grown-ups? ® The New Atkins Diet. Ketosis is 

back. Getting down to summer keg weight is as 

easy as knocking out carbs and eating pra- 

tein and veggies all d. 

what's for breakfast. * Bovine 

spongy farms. Some 

af aur favorite 

chewy candies 

and breath mints V, 

contain gelatin, — Y 

which may or may 

not have came 

from British cows. 

Yikes! ls it safe? 

Hold the onions, 

just in сазе. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON FAGE 162. 


I love Dad. tm just not 


in a rush to look like him. 


When your dad lost 

his hair there was 

no Rogaine. You, 
however, have no such 
excuse. Rogaine is 
clinically proven to work 
directly on the scalp to 
help stop hair loss. 
Dermatologists know 
this. They recommend 
Rogaine more than any 
other treatment. So 

at the first sign of 
fallout, use something 
else you inherited 

from dad: Brains. 


Not everyone responds lo Rogaine. 


Individual results vary. Use only os directed. 


STRONGER 
THAN HEREDITY" 


www.rogaine.com 


Rogaine 


FOR MEN 


| Clinically Proven to 
Help Regrow Hair 


©2001 Pharmacia Consumer Healthcare 


PLAYBOY 


My Introductory Offer to 


New Cigar Customers 


З $ 95 
All this for ONLY 2 (regularly a $79 value) 
ETS, lt's the complete package for the 
smoker: twenty-five Thompson 
' THOMPSON) handmade, imported cigars, a 
ER 0)., INC dependable windproof lighter 
— (may vary), and a solidly constructed 
cedar-lined divided humidor whose French 
quadrant hinges, humidification system 
and hygrometer make it a veritable vault 
to protect your puros. This exquisitely 
fashioned humidor is handsome enough 
to grace any smoker's desk. 

At the low, low price of $29.95 for a 
regular $79 value, this really is quite an 
offer. I’m making it to introduce new 
customers to Thompson & Co., America's 
oldest mail-order company. Since 1915 
our customers have enjoyed a rich variety 
of cigars and smokers' articles. 

Only one order per customer please. 


For just $29.95 you will receive: 


(plus $4.95 shipping and handling) 
1 Cedar-lined Divided Humidor 


1 Dependable Windproof Lighter 
25 Thompson Imported Handmade Cigars 


It's a complete package for the smoker, 
at an average retail value of $79. 


Call today: 1-888-205-1883 
Fax: 813-882-4605 


(Florida residents will be charged 6% sales tax plus appropriate county tax.) 


ONE ORDER PER CUSTOMER 
By responding to this offer I certify that | am a smoker, 21 years of age or older. 
MUST INCLUDE SIGNATURE AND DATE DF BIRTH ON ALL FAXED ORDERS 


OFFER EXPIRES 10/31/01 + OFFER NOT AVAILABLE TO MINORS 
OFFER GOOD ONLY IN THE USA ©2001 Thompson Cigar Company 


To order your introductory offer 
online, visit our website at: 


Hine Playboy Advisor 


When I was younger, I attended a 
boarding school for girls. I'm now 21 
and married to a great guy. My husband 
and I read pLavnoy together in bed, and 
he suggested I write you. My roommate 
at school was a lesbian. We became good 
friends and, after a time, lovers. She led 
the way. It was mostly kissing at first, 
then fondling, shared masturbation and 
oral sex. There was one thing she taught 
me that I haven't seen or heard of since. 
She would have me suck her nipples to 
hardness, then, as I lay on my tummy, 
she would part my bum cheeks with her 
thumbs and (one at a time) press a stiff- 
ened nipple into my rectum. When she 
gave the word, I would begin a rhythmic 
clenching of my bum. It felt gorgeous, 
like I was sucking her into me, and she 
would masturbate me while bringing 
herself off on my leg. We took turns, but 
she always preferred “getting” the nip- 
ple to “giving” it. I enjoyed both roles 
I've told my husband about it (no se- 
crets, right?), and he loves the idea. And 
although he can't reciprocate with a 
swollen nipple, he more than compen- 
sates with his penis. Is this a common les- 
bian practice?—D.D., Kelowna, British 
Columbia 

It’s not common, but it’s inventive. Where 
will the world’s nipples go next? You were 
fortunate to have had such an adventurous 
lover. Now maybe it's time to put your hus- 
band on his tummy. 


Long ago I learned that women who 
masturbate reach orgasm easier and more 
often. So I have given a vibrator or dildo 
to every girl I have dated. Now I'd like to 
mold a dildo from my own penis. Can 
you suggest ways to do it? Is there a kit I 
can buy?—D.S., Orlando, Florida 

We wanted to cast our penis, but the ce- 
ment truck never arrived. Yes, there are Kits. 
Typically, you fill what looks like a Big Gulp 
cup with alginate, slide in your cock and 
balls and remain aroused for about five min- 
utes. Once the alginate has hardened, care- 
fully remove your frightened penis, pour wax 
or rubber into the hole, let it stiffen for about 
24 hours and—presto—a backup unit, com- 
plete with veins. Here are a few places that 
sell molding hits (you may want lo order ex- 
tra alginate, as most guys don't get it right 
the first time): (1) The life sculptors at Art 
molds.com offer a standard kit for $60. 
Phone 866-278-6653. (2) CastingWilly.com 
(800-798-3147) has varieties such as a ver- 
sion with a handle for $85, or a $395 bron: 
casting. (3) CloneYourBone.com sells $30 
wax molds that come with wicks so you can 
make candles. And who can't use penis soap- 
on-a-rope? Buy Match Your Snatch at the 
same time and save 10 bucks, Phone 808- 
667-4313. (4) For $100, ateAMate.com 


provides an alginate kit with three chanc- 


es to make an impression. Phone 516-431- 
2394. (5) Morning Wood Labs creates vinyl 
and silicone replicas, glow-in-the-dark mod- 
els and a wireless vibrating version. You also 
can have a copy cast in chocolate or in any of 
13 flavors of lollipop, so your partner can 
practice her technique. Visit morningwood 
labs.com or phone 877-665-3968. 


I am 49, my husband is 46. We have 
been married only а few years, but we've 
known each other for most of our lives. 
The problem is that since the first days 
of our marriage, he has been looking at 
pornographic sites on the web. He ac- 
cesses the sites whenever he can. If I 
leave the house to go grocery shopping, 
he's online. When I'm showering, he's 
online. He travels on business, and 1 
know he looks at porn for hours in his 
hotel room. It's the first thing he does 
whenever he's alone for more than a few 
minutes. I have tried to be open-minded 

nd curious. For a while, I even gave 
him blow jobs while he clicked away. But 
I'm concerned that he has become ad- 
dicted to these sites. 1 think he might 
have trained his libido to respond to 
porn, and anything else falls short. That 
would include me. Weeks can go by with- 
out any physical contact between us. We 
sometimes watch adult movies while we 
have sex, and he has bought me vibra- 
tors to use while he masturbates. I'm 
beginning to think the toys are a way to 
get me olf without actually having sex 
with me, Is this normal? The other day 1 
woke from a nap and walked in on him, 
and he had his jeans unzipped. The 
moment he realized 1 was in the room, 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA! 


he minimized the computer screen and 
acted embarassed. I told him he didn't 
need to stop, but he did anyway. We 
talked about the notion that this ac 
ity might be more fun for him if he 
feels he's doing something forbidden. 
I'm feeling left out, unattractive, unde: 
able and sad. In every other way, we get 
along better than any couple I've ever 
met. I've suggested that he might have а 
problem with the frequency of his surf- 
ing, and that it's a poor substitute for in- 
teracting with a real woman in a real 
marriage. He says he's not addicted, that 
it's just a pleasant way to pass the time. 
What's your take on all this2—M. T, On- 
tario, California 

Your husband has a major problem—his 
wife is unhappy. Something needs to change, 
but nothing will until he decides his mar- 
riage is more important than his mouse. You 
can't force him to stop surfing without mak- 
ing him resentful; he has to realize the dam- 
age his habit is doing. You may need to take 
drastic action, such as mowing out, to get his 
attention. There's nothing wrong with surf- 
ing for porn. either alone or with your part- 
ner; bul as you note, when your sex life with 
a real woman in a real marriage starts lo 
suffer, it's time to pul a stopwatch on it. 


v- 


Û nave а dozen jazz and blues albums 
1 would like to preserve by recording 
them on compact discs. I've heard there 
is software out there that can take out 
the pops and scratches. Can you help?— 
TY., Charlotte, North Carolina 

Here's what we would do: First, plug your 
turntable into either the phono inpul jack of 
your receiver, or you can buy a phono pre- 
amplifier, then lake the output and counect it 
to the stereo input jack of your computer. You 
should be able to hear the LP through your 
computer speakers. Now, using any standard 
sound-editing program, record each song as 
an AIFF file. You will need about 10 mega- 
bytes of hard drive space for each minute 
of music. Once you have saved the songs, 
you can either burn them ошо a CD-R, or 
convert them to MP3 files, which will r 
duce each song to about a tenth of its AIFF 
size. You can fil about 650 minutes of MP3 
music on a single CD, versus about 65 min- 
utes in the AIFF format. To remove pops and 
scratches, youll need to edit each file—but 
aren't the imperfections part of the charm? 
Keep in mind that CD-Bs that are handled 
regularly aren't designed to last for more 
than a few years, so make а copy for the 
archives. 


My wife's left breast is larger than her 
right. This makes her feel self-consciou: 
so I searched online for photos of won 
en with different-sized breasts to show 
her she's not abnormal. 1 found many, 


45 


PLAYBOY 


and most are like my wife—the left 
breast seems larger. 15 there a reason for 
this?—K.H., Melbourne, Florida 

Many women have noticeably different 
breasts, just as many guys have noticeably 
different testicles. We can't say why the left 
breast more often seems larger, but a study of 
598 women in Akron, Ohio confirmed your 
perception and “the generally accepted clini- 
cal impression of left-breast dominance.” In 
54 percent of the subjects measured by the 
Akron team, the left breast was larger, and in 
46 percent, the right. In an earlier study of 
248 women, however, the split was 50-50, so 
who knows? The researchers found only one 
woman among the 846 who had breasts of 
equal volume. 


Ї grew up in a small town but recently 
moved to Chicago. 1 feel fairly unsophis- 
ticated. For example, I met a woman at a 
bar who told me she was into bondage. 
Does that mean she wants to be tied up 
or that she wants to tie me up? The wom- 
en in Chicago seem much more confi- 
dent and aggressive than those 1 knew 
growing up.—D.T., Chicago, Illinois 

Tell us about it. Turn your back for а sec- 
ond around here and you'll find yourself. 
handcuffed to the bed. When you see this wom- 
ап again—if she doesn't find you first—ask 
if she's a top or a bottom. This will reveal 
your casual knowledge of the topic; Jay 
Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook can 
provide a more thorough education. A top 
generally likes to control the sexual situa- 
tion, though the control is a fantasy, since 
both partners can end the game at any time. 
As a top, she would tie you up and discipline 
you. If she's a bottom, she'll want you to take 
charge. Or she may enjoy playing either role. 


My girlfriend of five years has been hint- 
ing that she would like to get married. 1 
told her that sounds good to me except 
that 1 do not want to take a vow of mo- 
nogamy. Although I have been faithful 
to this point, I certainly have been tempt- 
ed. Vowing that I would never cheat 
would be a stretch. She has threatened 
to move on unless Ї can make a com- 
mitment. She says that if she can do it, 
I can do it. My feeling is that a vow of 
monogamy would be one more pressure 
to deal with in our relationship. I would. 
appreciate any suggestions.—D.C., Wynd- 
moor, Pennsylvania 
Are you kidding? Quit wasting her time. 


Are there any good things to say about 
ecstasy? Does it benefit sick people the 
way marijuana does?—J.B., Knoxville, 
"Tennessee 

Before the drug was outlawed in the Eight- 
ies, some psychotherapists experimented with 
X on severely depressed patients. As you may 
know, it's a warm, energetic high, but it has 
dark lows, which is why you hear talk afier 
rave weekends of “Suicide Tuesday” hang- 
overs. Used regularly, ecstasy also may dam- 


46 age your libido. A survey of 768 young 


adults in Italy and England found that those 
who had taken ecstasy more than 20 times 
were three times as likely as nonusers to re- 
port a loss of libido. This may be because the 
drug, over time, damages the neurons that 
regulate the production of mood-elevating 
serotonin. Ecstasy recently became more dan- 
gerous for another reason: Before May of 
this year, you had to sell at least 11,000 tab- 
lets to get five years in federal prison. It's 
now 800 tablets, which makes it a tough- 
er sentence than for dealing the equivalent 
in cocaine. 


This past winter, a reader wrote that his 
boss told him his necktie should have a 
dimple. I recently purchased a tool at 
dimpler.com that makes the dimple for 
you. It's called, simply, the Dimpler.— 
T.G., Valley Cottage, New York 

Think ahead here. If you have a perfect 
dimple every time, when is she going to have 
a chance to fix your tie? 


Chery! Lavin, who writes a relationship 
column in the Chicago Tribune, has been 
asking her female readers to suggest 
things that guys should know about wom- 
en. As someone who has dated a few 
men who should have known better, 1 
thought I would share my favorite re- 
sponses, in the hope they might educate 
your male readers: (1) We'll stop faking 
it when you stop asking us. (2) Don't 
compare our breasts with Pam Ander- 
son's, especially since you have a shot at 
ours. (3) Don't count our shoes and we 
won't count your PLAYROYS. (4) We are 
not nags, it's just that you never do it the 
first time. (5) If it itches, wash it. (6) On- 
ly the worst kind of a pig stares at oth- 
er women when he's with us. We look 
at other men, but we do it discreetly.— 
G.T, Arlington Heights, Illinois 

We read Lavin's columus, too, but we 
marked different tems—namely, the more 
reasonable suggestions provided by men. 
Here іх a sampling: (1) If you think you're 
fat, you probably are. (2) Don't rub the lamp 
if you don't want the genie to come out. (3) It 
is in neither your best interest nor ours to 
take any quiz together. (4) If something we 
said can be interpreted two ways, and one of 
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant 
it the other way. (5) Our relationship is nev- 
er going to be like it was the first two months 
we were dating, (6) We notice other women 
because we are men and we are alive. 


I travel a lot for my job and earn a ton of 
frequent flier miles. Once everyone in 
my family has received their share of 
free tickets, | usually have enough miles 
left fora couple of tickets for myself. The 
problem is, when I'm on vacation 1 like 
to stay home and watch the grass grow. 
I've seen ads for outfits that say they buy 
reward tickets, but I don't know who I 
can trust. Could you recommend some- 
one who would purchase my tickets?— 
J.H., Buffalo, New York 


Airlines prohibit you from selling, buying 
or trading rewards, and if you're caught, 
they could freeze your account and void your 
miles. How would you get caught? Coupon 
brokers always keep your name and address 
on file, so when the airlines go after them in 
court and shut them down, there you are. If 
you're looking to unload miles, check out 
sites such as MilePoint.com, which allows 
you lo spend points from Delta, Northw. 
Continental, U.S. Airways, TWA, Am 
ca West, Hilton and American Expres 
newspaper or magazine subscriptions 
a year of Baseball Weekly for 1500 miles 
or discounts at merchants such as Amazon, 
Barnes & Noble and Laptop Travel. Alter- 
nately, transfer your miles to Hillon's Hon- 
ors program and spend them on nearly 100 
products at кутай. You'll need 60,000 to 
70,000 miles from most programs to order 
a telescope, DVD player or digital camera; 
395,000 miles will get you a 53-inch projec- 
tion television, shipping and tax included. 


М, wife and I have threesomes with a 
friend of hers, but I am only allowed to 
watch. The friend has told me she wants 
me, but when I ask my wife, she says no 
way. Is this fair? The frustration of hav- 
ing to remain on the sidelines leaves me 
not only wanting her friend all the more 
but yearning to have sex with other 
women as well. I've tried the "gentle ap- 
proach” but get no game. Help!— ].T., 
Dallas, Texas 

That's rough. You need to attack this from 
a flank. Your wife's friend should bring up 
the idea privately with your wife, who will 
certainly suspect you encouraged the idea. 
But she may be more receptive to rounding 
up from two and a half to three if it's pre- 
sented as a favor to а friend rather than an 
indulgence for her husband. You also could 
attempt to ease yourself into Ihe situation. 
Volunteer to hold the vibrator. Or wait on the 
women as their slave (candles, wine, what- 
ever they need). Or perhaps your wife would 
like her breasts kissed and fondled while she's 
receiving oral sex. If she says no to any or ай 
of that, well, you're out of luck. Having sex 
with the friend or anyone else without her 
OK is trouble. One more bit of advice: Don't 
complain too loudly to your buddies about 
how you only get to watch. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
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Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
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Ур ACAINIT THE WALL 


| JOCEER ^e 


the supreme court rewrites the fourth amendment—again 


lice officer to be a jerk." So said 

Justice Anthony Kennedy during 
oral arguments in the case of Atwater 
тз. City of Lago Vista. 

Officer Bart Turek, the subject of 
the endorsement, certainly qualifies. 
In March 1997 he observed Gail At- 
water driving a pickup at slow speed 
on a residential street in Lago Vista, 
Texas. Her three-year-old son and 
five-year-old daughter were stan 
on the front seat, unbuckled, рее! 
out the window. The family was scan- 
ning the roadside for a toy lost on the 
way home from soccer practice. 

‘Turek pulled Atwater over. As the 
officer approached the truck, he 
yelled something like “We've met 
before” and "You're going to 
jail.” The charges: driving with- 
out a seat belt, failing to secure 
her children in seat belts, driv- 
ing without a license and failing 
to provide proof of insurance. The 
officer poked his finger in At- 
water's face and threatened to 
take her kids into custody. Af- 
ter a neighbor offered to look 
after the traumatized children, 
Turek handcuffed the soccer mom, 
pushed her into the backseat of his 
squad car and, without fastening 
her seat belt, drove her to j; 


| t is not unconstitutional for a po- 


Once in custody, Atwater was 
told to remove her shoes and 
jewelry, empty her pockets and 
pose for a mug shot. She spent an 
hour in jail before being taken be- 
fore a judge to post bond. She later 
paid a $50 fine. 


ht say, Atwater was 
Had she been black 
and/or living in New York City, she 
might be dead. Instead, Atwater filed 
acivil rights suit, claiming that the ar- 
rest violated her Fourth Amendment 
right to “live free of pointless indigni- 
ty and confinement.” To be placed in 
custody for a crime that was punish- 
able by a fine was excessive. She in- 
voked English common law, an ac 
cepted body of precedent that seems 
to restrict the actions of police officers 
when making misdemeanor arrests. 
Constables could act without a war- 
rant only in nonfelony cases “involv- 


ing or tending toward violence.” 

Last April, the Supreme Court, by 
a 5-4 vote, sided with Officer Turek's 
right to be a jerk. While admitting 
that Atwater suffered "gratuitous hu- 
miliation" and "pointless indignit 
the majority of the court was loath to 
burden police with a sensitivity to- 
ward individual rights, to require that 
they exercise reasonable care when 
dealing with the public. 

Justice David Souter quibbled with 
Atwater's sense of common law. He 
cited commentaries that said English 
constables could "apprehend, take 

charge of and present for 

trial all persons who 
broke the laws, writ- 
ten or unwritten, 
against the King's 
peace or against 
the statutes of 
the realm." 


admit that the framers of the Con- 
stitution were in any way bothered by 
such abuse of power. He cited colo- 
nial laws that allowed local constables 
to arrest "all persons unnecessarily 
traveling on the Sabbath or Lord's 
Day,” those guilty of drunkenness, 
profane swearing and Sabbath break- 
ing, as well as “common prostitutes, 
fortune-tellers and other practition- 
ers of crafty science" or those "play- 


ing cards, dice, billiards, bowls, shuf- 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


fleboards or any game of hazard or 
address, for money." So why not add 
soccer moms to that list? 

Gail Arwater argued that under the 
Fourth Amendment a person had 
the right to be free of unreasonable 
police attention. Surely oflicers ought 
to be able to judge between a mi- 
nor offense and a felony, between 
"jailable" acts and "fine-only" acts. 
The court disagreed, saying it was too 
much to expect that an officer could 
"know the details of frequently com- 
plex penalty schemes." Even the sim- 
ple rule "if in doubt, do not arrest” 
was too much: “Multiplied many times 
over, the costs to society of such un- 
derenforcement could easily out- 
weigh the costs to defendants of being 
needlessly arrested and booked." 

Souter claimed Atwater's was an 
isolated case. How much ofa problem 
was this “out there?" The record con- 
tained a "dearth of horribles." Asked 
to provide "comparably foolish, war- 
rantless misdemeanor arrests," those 
arguing the case cited a teenage girl 
taken into custody for cating french 
fries in a Washington, D.C. subway 
station, citizens arrested for litter- 
ing, riding a bicycle without a bell 
and "walking as to create a hazard." 
"There was, Souter concluded, no evi- 
dence of widespread abuse of mi- 

nor-offense arrest authority. 

Then, in an act of “adminis- 
trative case"—or simple arro- 
gance—Souter worried that if 
the Court adopted Atwater's 
version of the Fourth Amend- 
ment, “every discretionary judg- 
ment in the field will be converted 
into an occasion for constitutional 
view." God forbid that protecting i 
dividual rights under the Cons 
tion be too much trouble. 

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, in 
a strongly worded dissent, chastised 
the majority: "Such unbounded dis- 
cretion carries with it grave poten- 
tial for abuse. Indeed, as the recent 
debate over racial profiling demon- 
strates all too clearly, a relatively mi- 
nor traffic infraction may often serve 
as an excuse for stopping and harass- 
ing an individual.” 

Or sometimes worse. 


48 


> 5 
PENNE LE 
T л А | rh A | 

m my A (um A д 


$ 


are these radio broadcasts indecent? 


he Federal Communications 

Commission has been polic- 

ing the nation’s airwaves since 

1934 to make sure no one says 
or does anything that the agency judg- 
es to violate the public morality. Feder- 
al law requires violators to be punished 
with fines and/or jail time. 

For years, the FCC took action only 
against broadcasters who used any of 
the seven dirty words made 
famous by George Carlin. 
But in 1987 the agency 
expanded its criteria to 
include all varieties of in- 
decency. It also created a 
"safe harbor" for children 
between six A.M. and 10 RM., 
during which broadcasters 
would not be allowed to 
push any limits. (The safe 
harbor has always struck 
us as a little expansive— 
aren't children in school 
for many of those hours?) 
The message seems to be 
that the First Amendment 
can only be enjoyed to its full poten- 
tial by night owls. 

The FCC does not monitor indi 
ual broadcasts. Instead, its five com- 
missioners respond to complaints. Dur- 
ing the Eighties, when the religious 
right made decency a national crusade, 
the FCC was deluged with 20,000 com- 
plaints a year. An Indianapolis group 
calling itself Decency in Broadcasting 
once submitted 7000 pages of tran- 
scripts to make its point about a sin- 
gle radio program. Between November 
1999 and this past April, the FCC Һай 
logged just 144 complaints, most sim- 
ple one-page grievances. Clearly, inde- 
cency on the radio remains a serious 
concern only to a handful of w 

This past spring, the commission re- 
leased a 28-page statement, available 
online at fcc.gov/eb, that sought to clar- 
ify its guidelines on what it considers 
actionable. "In determining whether 
material is patently offensive, the full 
context in which the material appeared 
lly important,” it stated. "It is 
ent, for example, to know 
that explicit sexual terms or descrip- 
tions were used, just as it is not suffi- 
cient to know only that no such terms 
or descriptions were used. Explicit lan- 


guage in the context of a bona fide 
newscast might not be patently offen- 
sive, while sexual innuendo that per- 
sistsand is sufficiently clear to make the 
sexual mcaning inescapable might be 

When it's assessing а com 
FCC considers: "(1) The explicitness or 
graphic nature of the description or 
depiction of sexual or excretory organs 
or activities; (2) whether the materi- 
al dwells on or repeats 
at length descriptions of. 
sexual or excretory or- 
gans or activities; (3) 
whether the material ap- 
pears to pander or is used 
to titillate, or whether the 
material appears to have 
been presented for its 
shock value." 

The statement includes 
numerous examples of 
radio broadcasts that the 
FCC has considered over 
the past 14 years. Judge 
each case for yourself 
(we've added a few addi- 
tional selections from agency files) and 
see how your decision compares with 
the commission's ruling. 


The Howard Stern Show, WYSP-FM, 
Philadelphia 

"God, my testicles are, 
like, down to the floor. You 
could really have a party 
with these—use them like 
boccie balls." 

“I mean, to go around 
porking other girls with vi- 
brating rubber products." 

*Have you ever had sex 
with an animal? Well, don't 
knock it. I was sodomized 
by Lamb Chop.” 

Decent? Indecent? The 
end of Western c a- 
tion? The FCC didn't fine 
Stern for these tidbit 
which aired in 1987, but instead told 
him to tone it down (you know how 
that turned out). It noted for the rec- 
ord that Stern's show included "ex- 
plicit references to masturbation, ejac- 
ulation, breast size, penis size, sexual 
intercourse, nudity, urination, oral- 
genital contact, erections, sodomy, bes- 
tiality, menstruation and testicles.” It 


also noted that the program “did not 
merely consist of an occasional off-col- 
or reference or expletive, but consisted 
of dwelling on sexual and excretory 
matters in a way that was patently of- 
fensive as measured by contemporary 
community standards for the broadcast 
medium." After putting Stern on the 
air, WYSP jumped in the ratings from 
16th to third place. Since then the na- 
tion's premiere shock jock and Infinity 
Broadcasting have racked up more 
than $1 million in FCC fines, and Stern 
has become a national living treasure. 


Uterus Guy, WQAM-AM, Miami 

“I don't want to grow up, I'm a uter- 
us guy. 1 want to spend a week or so 
right here between your thighs. Inhale 
your clam, with my head jammed by 
your quivering, crushing gams. No, 1 
don't want to get up or get a towel to 
dry, ‘cause I wouldn't be a uterus guy. 1 
don't want to get up, I'm a uterus guy 
and I know where to lick and chew ex- 
actly where you like. You'll have more 
fun when I make you come, with my 
nose between your thighs." 

Decent? Indecent? Clever? Is this 
what they mean by identity politics? 
The FCC held that "the song's sexu- 
al import is lewd, inescapable and un- 
derstandable." It also cited complaints 
about other “patently of- 
fensive" material aired 
over five days in 1999 on 
WQAM's morning show, 
including a parody of New 
York, Neu York called Let's 
Pork. The station ques- 
tioned the FCC's stan- 
dard, arguing that sexual 
banter had become more 
accepted in light of the 
"discussions, analyses and 
jokes resulting from the 
sex scandal involving the 
president." The agency 
dismissed the appeal and 
fined the station $35,000. "In making 
the required determination ol indecen- 
су, commissioners draw on their knowl- 
edge of the views of the average viewer 
or listener, as well as their general ex- 
pertise in broadcast matters.” 


You Suck, KROQ-FM, Los Angeles 
“I know you're really proud ‘cause 


4 
Ld а A t o МИ Мы DE У МИ МА 
i Р гете Aes pers pr! ا‎ nmm [тп 


you think you're well hung, but I think 
it’s time you learn how to use your 
tongue. You say you want things to be 
even and you want things to be fair, but 
you're afraid to get your teeth caught 
in my pubic hair. If you're lying there 
expecting me to suck your dick, you're 
going to have to give me more than just 
a token lick. Go down, baby, you suck, 
lick it hard and move your tongue 
around. If you're worried about ba- 
you can lower your risk by giving 
me that special cunnilingus kiss. You 
can jiggle your tongue on my clit. Don't 
out making me have an or- 
gasm. You asshole, you shit. I know it's 
a real drag, to suck my 
cunt when I'm on the 
rag. You tell me it's gross 
to suck my yeast infec- 
tion. How do you think 1 
feel when 1 gag on your 
erection?" 

Decent? Indecent? 
Gosh, those chick sing- 
ers know how to turn a 
phrase? The FCC fined 
the station $2000, saying 
the lyrics “graphically 
and explicitly describe 
sexual and excretory 
organs or activities.” 
KROQ appealed, say- 
ing it had no record 
of which version of the 
song had been aired at 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


just going to have to find somebody 
that's big." 

Decent? Indecent? Wish you had 
the same problem? "While the licensee 
may have substituted innuendo and 
double entendre, unmistakable sexual 
references remain that render the sex- 
ual meaning of the innuendo inescap- 
able." The FCC may be on to some- 
thing: Oversize guys should just shut 
up. The agency also cited the show for 
a call-in segment in which listeners 
were invited to respond to the ques- 
tion, "What makes your heinie parts 
tingle?” One caller said, “When my hus- 
band gets down there and goes [lips 


and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be 
long before 1 blew my Milk Duds clear 
to Mars and gave her a taste of the old 
Milky Way. I said, "Look, why don't you 
just take my Whatchamacallit and slip 
ıt up your Bit-o-Honey” Oh, what a 
piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too. She 
screamed, ‘Oh, Crackerjack. You're 
better than the Three Musketeers!" as I 
rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky 
Rozd and into her Peanut Butter Cup. 
Well, I was giving it to her Good & 
Plenty, and all of a sudden, my Star- 
burst. She started to grow a bit Chunky 
and, sure enough. nine months later, 
out popped a Baby Ruth." 

Decent? Inde- 
cent? Inspired? Ac- 
cording to the FCC, 
“The titillating and 
pandering nature of 
the song makes any 
thought of candy 
bars peripheral at 
best." The agency 
fined the station 
$25.000 for twice 
airing the song on its 
morning show, and 
for playing a Monty 
Python ditty called 
Sit on My Face. The 
fine was later re- 


duced to $9200. 


Blow Me, KMEL- 


about nine rw. on the day 
in question—the raunchy 
one or an edited "safe" 
cut. After the complainant filed an affi- 
davit at the FCC's request asserting she 
had heard the words pubic, dick, pussy 
and clit, the agency denied the appeal. 


Host banter, The Stevens and Pruett 
Show, KLOL-FM, Houston 

“The doctor was talking about size. 
The man complained earlier that he 
was so large it was ruining his mar- 
riage. Big is good if the guy knows how 
10 use it. She is so big she could handle 
anything. Some of these guys, a very 
few ol them, a handful is like two hand- 
fuls. Twelve inches, about the size of 
a beer can in diameter. So, could you 
handle something like that? It’s actu- 
ally ruined marriages. A big organ 
lor a big cathedral. Somebody big is 


FM, San Francisco 


noise]." Another said: "My boyfriend 
tried to put Hershey's es inside of 
me and tried to lick it out and it took 
forever for him to do it." The agency 
fined the station $33,750. 


Санау Wrapper, KGB-FM, San Diego 

“1 whipped out my Whopper and 
whispered, "Hey, Sweet Tart, how'd you 
like to Crunch on my Big Hunk for a 
Million Dollar Bar?' Well, she imme- 
diately went down on my Tootsie Roll 
and, you know, it was like pure Almond 
Joy. 1 couldn't help but grab her deli- 
cious Mounds. This little Twix had the 
Red Но. My Butterfinger went up 
her tight little Kit Kat, and she start- 
ed to scream, ‘Oh Henry! Oh Henry!" 
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul 


“Blow me, you 
hardly even know 
me, just set yourself below me and blow 
me, tonight. A handy would certainly 
be dandy, but it’s not enough to slow 
me, hey, you gotta blow me all night. 
When you pat your lips that way, 1 
want you night and day, when you 
squeeze my balls so tight, I want to 
blow my love with all my might.” 

Decent? Indecent? The FCC said the 
song, which aired during the late af- 
ternoon Rick Chase Show, dwelled too 
much on descriptions of sexi 
and activit 
song as part of a segmel 


n which 
Chase asked listeners, "What was the 
last thing you had in your mouth?" 
The station argued that the materi- 


l, measured against the community 
standards of San Francisco, was not 


51 


indecent. The FCC responded that it 
judges broadcasts using a “generic, 
nongeographic indecency standard." 
It fined the station $25,000. 


D] punch line, KLOU-FM, St. Louis 

“The wallet was found stuffed up the 
ass of a dead guy" 

Decent? Indecent? Were they talk- 
ing about The Sopranos? The FCC dis- 
missed this complaint. 


Real Deal Mike Neil Show, WWKX- 
FM, Woonsocket, Rhode Island 

“Hey, douche bag—hey, what's up, 
fu(bleep)ck head? You his fuck (bleep) ho 
or what? You his fuck (bleep) bitch man, 
where you suck his dick every night? 
Suck some di(bleep)ck, make some 
money for Howard and pay your 
pimp, OK?” 

Decent? Indecent? Is the censor hav- 
ing a seizure? The agency was not 
impressed with Neil's attempt at edit- 
ing, which “merely resulted in a bleep 
in the middle of clearly recognizable 
words or, in some cases, after the 
word.” It fined the station $7000. 


Conversation with female caller, 
Bubba the Love Sponge, WXTB-FM, 
Clearwater, Florida 

"Are you participating in No Pant- 
ies Thursday? (Yes, I am.) Could you 
take the phone and rub it 
on you, Chia Pet? (Oh, let 
me make sure nobody is 
around. OK, hang on a sec- 
ond. [Rubbing noise] OK, 1 
did it.) That was really your 
little beaver? (That was 
mine.) Your what? (That 
was my little beaver.) Oh, I 
love when a girl says beaver. 
Will you say it again for me, 
honey, please? (It was my 
little beaver.) Will you say, 
"Bubba, come get my bea- 
ver?" (Bubba, would you 
come get my little beaver?) 
Tell me that doesn't do 
something for you. That is pretty sexy. 
Bring the beaver. It will be with me. 
We got beaver chow. I can't wait. Will 
you say it for me one more time? (Say 
what?) "My little beaver’ or ‘Bubba, 
come get my little beaver'? (OK, Bub- 
ba, come get my beaver.) Will you say, 
"Bubba, come hit my beaver? Will you 
say it? (Bubba, come hit my beaver.) 
That is pretty sexy, absolutely. Oh my 
God, beaver." 

Decent? Indecent? Go, Bubba? The 
enduring genius of radio is that it 
leaves so much to the imagination. 
Does the FCC want jocks to go back to 
the golden days of yesteryear, when a 


couple of coconut shells could create a 
horse? The FCC did not offer an ex- 
planation for why it thought this inde- 
cent, but it included three other com- 
plaints about Bubba the Love Sponge 
in its guidelines. The agency fined the 
station $4000. 


News broadcast, KPRL- 
AM/KDDB-FM, Paso Ro- 
bles, California 

“Oops, fucked that one 
ир.” 

Decent? Indecent? Bust- 
ed? The FCC noted the 
"isolated and accidental 
nature" ofthe incident and 
dismissed the complaint. 


Morning-show promo- 
tion, WXQR-FM, Wil- 
mington, North Carolina 

“So then 1 dropped my 
pants and showed Stacy 
my penis. That was it. We 
were showing off our genitalia." 

Decent? Indecent? The FCC let this 
one pass. 


Announcer joke, KUPD-FM, Tem- 
pe, Arizona 

"What's the best part of screwing 
an eight-year-old? Hearing the pelvis 
crack." 


Decent? Indecent? 
Enough to make you 
drive off the road? "Al- 
though fleeting, the lan- 
guage clearly refers to 
sexual activity with a 
child and was found to 
be patently offensive." 
Can't disagree with that. 
The FCC fined the sta- 
tion $2000. 


DJ comment, KLBJ- 
FM, Austin, Texas 

“Suck my dick, you 
fucking cunt." 

Decent? Indecent? Is 
that the radio, or are the neighbors at 
it again? "Although fleeting, the mate- 
rial is explicit." The station was fined 


$3000. 


Guest on The Lamont & Tonelli Show, 
KSJO-FM, San Jose 

“She should go up and down the 
shaft about five umes, licking and suck- 
ing, and on the fifth swirl bring her 
tongue around the head before going 
back down." 

"Show us how it's done." 

“If this were a real penis, it would 
have a ridge, 1 would lick around the 
ridge like this." 


[Laughter, comments such as, “Oh yeah, 
T 
"To do this right, you have to pay at- 
tention to the frenulum—it's very sen- 
sitive. If you're a guy and you're look- 
ing down at your penis, it's on the 
underside of the penis, there's a slight 
indentation, a groove that's really sen- 
sitive—just lick along the 
underside of that.” 
Decent? Indecent? 
Hope your girlfriend is 
listening? The station de- 
fended the morning- 
show segmentas a clinical 
discussion of oral sex. 
The FCC disagreed, say- 
ing the use of a prop and 
the host's laughter made 
the segment “pandering 
and titillating.” The FCC 
fined the station $7000. 
In contrast, the FCC let 
pass television shows by 
Oprah and Geraldo on 
which sex experts inspired the masses 
in graphic detail. Clout is clout. Or is it 
that you can only talk about sex if you 
don't laugh? 


The Breakfast Club, KSD-FM, St. 
Louis 

“Гуе got this Jessica Hahn interview 
here in PLAYBOY. I just want to read one 
little segment, the good part: Jim Bak- 
ker has managed to completely un- 
dress me and he's sitting on my chest. 
He's really pushing himself, I mean the 
guy was forcing himself. He put his pe- 
nis in my mouth. I'm crying, tears are 
coming, and he is letting go. The guy 
came in my mouth. My neck hurts, my 
throat hurts, my head feels like it's go- 
ing to explode, but he's frustrated and 
determined, determined enough that 
within minutes he's inside me and he's 
on top and he's holding my arms. He's 
just into this, he's inside me now. Say- 
ing, "When you help the shepherd, 
you're helping the sheep.” [On-air host 
makes sheep sounds.) 

"Don't you ever come around here, 
Jim Bakker, or we're going to cut that 
thing off." 

Decent Indecent? Bakker deserves 
to bave it cut off? There's a delicious 
irony here—you can praise the Lord 
and bilk the faithful, but as long as you 
nail secretaries only off the air, the FCC 
deems you decent. The station defend- 
ed the broadcast as newsworthy banter 
about a public figure. The FCC ruled, 
“Although the program arguably con- 
cerned an incident that was at the time 
"in the news,' the particular material 
broadcast was not only exceptionally 
explicit and vulgar, it was presented in 


a pandering manner." The FCC fined 
the station $2000. 


1 Want to Be a Homosexual, KNON- 
FM, Dallas 

“But if you really want to give me a 
blow job, 1 guess ГЇЇ let you. as long as 
you respect me in the morning. Suck it, 
baby. Oh yeah, suck it real good. Are 
you sure this is your first rim job? Stick 
it up your punk rock ass. You rub your 
little thing when you see phony dykes 
in Penthouse magazine. Call me a fag- 
got, call me a butt-loving, fudge-pack- 
ing queer. You rub your puny thing 
when you see something pass you on 
the street.” 

Decent? Indecent? Homophobic? 
The station said the punk song, which 
aired on a gay talk show, constituted 
“political speech aired in а good-faith 
attempt to present meaningful public 
affairs programming,” It said the song 
was designed “to challenge those who 
would use such language to stigmatize 
members of the gay community.” The 
commissioners weren't buying it. “We 
find unavailing the station's argument 
that, in essence, its 
duty to air pub- 
lic affairs program- 
ming required a 
midafternoon pre- 
sentation of lyrics 
containing repeat- 
ed, explicit and vul- 
gar descriptions of 
sexual activities and 
organs." The sta- 
tion pleaded pov- 
erty, and the FCC 
reduced its initial 
$12,500 fine to 
$2000. 


Penis Envy, WIOD-AM, Miami 

"If I1 had a penis, I'd stretch it and 
stroke it and shove it at smarties. I'd 
stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. 
If I had a penis, I'd run to my mother, 
comb out the hair and compare it to 
brother. I'd lance her, Га knight her, 
my hands would indulge. Pants would 
seem tighter and buckle and bulge. A 
penis to plunder, a penis to push, 
‘cause one in the hand is worth on 
the bush. A penis to love me, a penis to 
share, to pick up and play with when 
nobody's there. If I had a penis, I'd 
force it on females, I'd pec like a foun- 
tain. If I had a penis, I'd still be a girl, 
bur I'd make much more money and 
conquer the world." 

Decent? Indecent? Catchy tune you 
can't help but hum? The FCC found 
the song indecent, along with four oth- 
ers the station aired (including Candy 


Wrapper). The lyrics may be funny, the 
agency said, but "humor is no more an 
absolute defense to indecency than is 
music." It fined WIOD $2000 per song. 


Bob and Tom Show, KROR-FM, Has- 
tings, Nebraska 

Male voice: "Felicia, your hair looks 
so shiny and manageable. Are you still 
shampooing with Head and Shoul- 
ders?" Felicia: "Gosh, Chick, I stopped 
using Head and Shoulders a long time 
ago. | mean, who grows hair on their 
shoulders?" Chick: "What are you us- 
ing now?" Felicia: "Well, it's like Head 
and Shoulders only without all those 
additives. It's just called Head. Let's 
tell them about it, girls." Women sing- 
ing: "If you're tired of old shampoo. 
just remember what I said, yeah, you'll 
feel better if you get some Head." 
Chick: "Wow. Where can 1 get Head?" 
Felicia: "Lots of places. You can stop by 
my place later and I'll be happy to give 
you some Head. [Laughter] In 15 min- 
utes ГЇЇ have you shampooed, styled 
and blown dry.” Chick: “Gee, you don't 
miss a lick, do you? Head sounds great, 


e m E 


but is it expensive?" Felicia: "Not at all, 
Chick. My brother says there are places 
downtown where you can get Head for 
less than $10." Chick: “Golly, at that 
price everyone should be getting 
Head.” Male Two: "That's right, Chick, 
when you say Head, you've said a 
mouthful. Hi, I'm Dr. Raymond Fa-lot- 
ee-oh from Frig Them АП Industries 
here to tell you why you should get 
Head. First, it lubricates each limp hair 
follicle, leaving an erect glistening 
shaft. Then the scalp's natural oils are 
sucked out of the root, leaving your 
hair soft, shiny and exhausted. Noth- 
ing does the job like Head." Male 
Three: "Can 1 get Head from my hair- 
dresser Bruce?" Male Two: "Probably, 
but you might want to try your girl- 
friend first." Women again singing: "So 
ask and get some Head today, a little 
squirt goes a long, long way. When you 


get Head you're a lucky stiff” 

Decent? Indecent? Hilarious? The 
n defended the segment, saying 
at worst, it could be considered to 
be in bad taste." The FCC ruled it in- 
decent and fined the station $7000. 


Johnson and Tofte Morning Show, 
KKLZ-FM, Las Vegas 

Male voice: “Hey, mister, tell us 
about anal sex." Male Two: [Toy train 
whistle] “Oh look, there's a chocolate 
train going round and round the can- 
dy track. Soon it will stop and a special 
passenger will get off.” Female voice: 
“Oh, God." [Song begins, sung by a female 
voice] "The chocolate train rides on the 
candy track. The lollipop wheels go 
clickity, clickity. clack. The peppermint 
whistle goes toot-toot on the chocolate 
train. The little train is on its way to 
climb up Ice Cream Mountain. It takes 
on water for its trip from a great big so- 
da fountain.” [Background female moans 
begin here, with panting and "Yes, oh God, 
yes, oh yes, yes, yes, yes, oh."] 

Decent? Indecent? Oddly arousing? 
"The FCC ruled that this segment "con- 
tains an expli 


ence to anal sex and 
sexual sound effects 
that, in context, are 


pandering in na- 
ture." It fined KKLZ 
$8000. 


Morning Show 
WYBB-FM, Fol- 
ly Beach, South 
Carolina 

“The hell I did. 1 
drove, motherfuck- 
. Uh-oh." 
Decent? Indecent? 
An innocent slip of the tongue? Ac- 
cording to the FCC, the broadcast con- 
tained only "a fleeting and isolated ut- 
terance that, within the context of live 
and spontaneous programming, does 
not warrant a sanction." Around the 
same time, however, the agency fined 
the station $2000 for this Morning Show 
exchange: " Maybe it's nine. (I don't 
know, and who really gives a crap?) 
Oh, oh. (No, we can say crap.) We can 
say crap? (Yeah.) Crap, crap, crap, 
crap, crap, crap. (That's right, just can't 
say shit.) Then we won't." WYBB ar- 
gued that the FCC should also consid- 
er this exchange fleeting and isolated, 
but the agency ruled that “the lan- 
guage explicitly emphasizes and high- 
lights scatological functions. Moreover, 
the language employed is patently of- 


ything clear now? 


53 


R E 


WHAT LIES AHEAD 

In the article "They're Back" 
(The Playboy Forum, May), James 
R. Fetersen writes that, with the 
election of George W. Bush, the 
pro-censorship forces have re- 
turned to Washington. They're 
not really back. They never 
went away. Instead, they simply 
shifted their rhetoric to fit the 
times. In the early Nineties, 
they said that censorship was 
necessary to protect women, 
which they thought would 
please feminists. Today they say 
censorship is necessary to pro- 
tect children. 

It is important to keep in 
mind that they are not all mem- 
bers of the religious right, or 
the Republican Party. Politi- 
cians of all stripes supported 
the Communications Decency 
Act, the Child Online Protec- 
tion Act and the Protection of 
Children From Sexual Preda- 
tors Act. The Clinton and now 
Bush administrations' aggres- 
sive pursuit of porn and all the 
corresponding technological 
fixes—from V-chips to library 
filters to perhaps mandating on- 
line registration of content— 
are a danger to more than just 
those people looking for sexual 


ki: 


E R 


“Most pets lick their owners in the form 


ssing. I would not want someone t 


charged because of an 


ity to a felony offense. 


“If animals initiate certain behaviors, I* 


understandable: Control and 


direct a person's sexual impuls- 
es and you have gone a long 
way toward controlling and di- 
recting all other actions and de- 
cisions of that person. Want 
more church members? Tell the 
current ones that God says 
birth. control and aborti 


P flocks for many years to 
come—and women relegated 
to the role of staying home to 
be baby factories. 
What's particularly sa 
many of the world 
have accepted, either explicitly 
or implicitly, the religious view 
f sex. Even my parents, athe- 
ists to a fault, practiced a Judeo- 
Christian sexual morality. It's 
not their fault —such а Pavlov- 
ian response has been drummed 
into the populace, for thou- 
sands of years, to the point that 
when you mention moralit 
most people think sex. 
So it's hardly surprising that 
we now have an attorney gen- 
eral, the son and grandson 
of ministers, who won't dance 
because it's sexually arousing. 
In other words, he's ashamed 
to let anybody see him with 
a hard-on. Similarly, the cus- 


hat 


material. sume the human—and I think we've ай tomers of adult bookstores, 


Joan Kennedy Taylor 
Feminists for Free 
Expression 


New York, New York 


Petersen notes that one of 
the best predictors of whether a 
voter was likely to vote for Clin- 
ton or Republican Robert Dole was the 
voter's response to five questions, all 
directly related to the sexual revolu- 
tion. He also writes: “The insight was 
as true in the year 2000 as 
1996.” That insight was very likely as 
truc in 1796 as it was in 1996, and 
probably true, in only slightly altered 
form, for every campaigned election of 
the past 5000 years. 

The problem facing sexually normal 
people in America today—people who 
like sex, who don't have to turn off the 
lights to do it, who like watching other 
people engage in sex and who are will- 
ing to experiment—is that they're at 
the mercy of those (usually religious) 
leaders who feel exactly the opposite. 


there—would say or do something to in 
that's not an acceptable behavior, If the ani 
persistent, the bill is silent on whethe: 
charge the animal.” 


Ver fron Robin Bi Black um pon- 


It's almost as if we normals are inmates 
in an asylum run by the crazies (і.е., 
the sex-negatives, the sexually neurot- 
ic, the sexually twisted —you know, the 
ones who make the laws). 

The main problem is that the Judeo- 
Islamic-Christian world leaders have 
defined morality for the rest of us. They 
have assured us that morality is main- 
ly about sex and that God doesn't like 
sex except in specified situations, per- 
formed in specified manners between 
specified partners. To them, anyone 
who feels differently is being influ- 
enced by Satan, or possibly Planned 
Parenthood founder Margarct Sanger. 

The churches' attempt to link the 
sexual act so closely to their deities is 


porn videos in hand, have been 
shamed by this religious un- 
dercurrent from putting their 
mouths where their money is. 
All signs suggest that it is 
going to be a tough fight for 
adult entertainment during the 
next four years—and likely lon- 
ger, depending on how many Supreme 
Court justices George Bush manages to 
get on the bench. 
Mark Kernes 
Senior Editor. 
Адий Video News 
Chatsworth, California 


Yes, the agenda of the religious right 
is unacceptable when it comes to por- 
nography. Government intrusiveness 
at any level is unacceptable. However, 
anything that the Bush administration 
may put us through in this one area 
will not make me yearn for the era of 
Bill Clinton, whose policies demonized 
firearms, drove manufacturing to the 
Third World and left us at the mercy of 


OPEC. ГЇЇ take my chances that the 
worst of Bush will be better than the 
best of Clinton. 
David Sikorsky 
Florence, Kentucky 


ABSTINENCE EDUCATION 
When the government tells schools 
to teach sex ed, many students learn 
only abstinence ("Pure Love Preposter- 
ous." The Playboy Forum. April). Like 
abortion, premarital sex is an individ- 
ual choice. For that reason, sex ed 
should be bare bones. A male and a fe- 
male have sex. What happens? That 
answer is provided by sex ed. This may 
be too simplisuc for some, but by going 
that route, nobody's opinions matters. 
Arthur Moon 

Sedalia, Missouri 

You may be on to something. Because ab- 
stinence-only education leaves so much to 
the imagination, at least four states (Ala- 
bama, California, Missouri and Oregon) re- 
quire teachers to provide “medically accu- 
rale” information about sex. That means 
they can't pass along to students any of the 
favorite lies of the “just say no” crowd, such 
as that 70 percent of condoms fail (the actu- 
al figure is three percent, when they're used 
properly). Legislators in Illinois, Indiana 
and Maine introduced similar proposals 
without success. South Carolina attorney 
general Charlie Condon last year ordered 
teaching kits produced by the federal Centers 
for Disease Control and Prevention removed 
from public schools. He claimed the hits vio- 
lated state law by placing too much emphasis 
on contraception and too little on abstinence. 


EARLY RELEASE 

As with Amy Ralston, who wrote to 
The Playboy Forum in March, President 
Clinton also commuted my drug sen- 
tence. In 1991, 1 was convicted of culti- 
vating 600 marijuana plants. Because 
1 had two previous marijuana convic- 
tions, the judge sentenced me to a 
mandatory minimum of 24.5 years. I 
received another 2.5 years for failing to 
report for my sentence. 

The judge wrote President Clinton 
on my behalf, voicing his opposition to 
the sentence. He told me that during 
his 25 years on the bench, he had nev- 
er before written a similar letter. 

This country no longer rehabilitates 
criminals; we warehouse them for de- 
cades at a time. A prison administrator 
once told me that when Congress took 
away any chance of parole under the 


mandatory minimum system, it also re- 
moved prison officials’ most effe 
rehabilitation and behavior manage- 
ment tool. They were left to deal with 
inmates who had no hope of getting 
out early, or sometimes at all, which 
left them with little to gain or lose. In 
the long run, society is punished too. 
Lengthy incarceration of nonviolent 
dealers is a huge financial burden. 
There also are irreversible costs to the 
many children left without parents. 

I applaud Bill Clinton not only be- 
cause he gave me back more than 20 
years of my life, but because he stood 
up against mandatory minimums as 


well. It's unfortunate more politicians 
won't do the same. 
Peter Ninemire 
Salina, Kansas 
Clinton did the right thing in your case, 
but he didn't do as much as he could have. 
Thousands of other nonviolent inmates con- 
tinue to serve draconian sentences. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province. 


Angered by President Bush's decision to ban Tonino for abortion coun- 
seling overseas, a San Francisco art student distributed this poster urg: 
ing women to shave their pubic hair in protest. Her rallying cry: "No, 
| Bush! It's not yours, it's mine!" Jackie Sumell hoped to collect 538 Bag- 


Й gies of hair 


the number of certified votes by which Bush won Florida, 


plus one. She got 200, which she delivered to the steps of the Senate. 


55 


56 


М E W 


S F R 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


FOR HIS EVES ONLY 


LOUISBURG, NORTH CAROLINA—A min- 
ister and her best friend opened a lingerie 
store, Seek Ye First, that caters to Chris- 
tians. Emma Solomon, a 51-year-old pas- 


tor at Shady Grove Baptist Church, says 
God inspired her to open the store; she also 
didn't like lo drive to Raleigh to buy lin- 
gerie. The women recently added garter 
belts and thongs to their stock. "It's a bless- 


ing," said one customer. 
there, you don't feel bad. 


PENIS PAYBACK 


WEST ISLIP NEW YORK—Like many men 
in the U.S., William Stowell was circum- 
cised as a newborn. Soon after he turned 
18, the Air Force private filed suit against 
Good Samaritan Hospital and the doctor 
who performed the procedure, charging 
that the removal of his foreskin has denied 
him the pleasure of “natural, normal” sex. 
His lawyer argues that Stowell's moth- 
er was under the influence of painkillers 
when she signed the consent form. 


AAPE BY PHONE 


HACKENSACK, NEW JERSEY— Tivo years 
ago a man claiming to be a gynecologist 
phoned a 10-year-old girl and persuad- 
ed her to place her fingers їп her vagina. 
The girl's mother traced the call, and au- 
thorities arrested James Maxwell. Prose- 
cutors then took the unusual step of charg- 
ing him with rape. They argue that the law 


“When you go in 


allows for the charge even if the assailant 
was not present and only gave the victim 
instructions. 


CIVIL HEARING 


TOLEDO—Rebecca Bisesi, who is deaf, 
wanted to attend a comedy show. The club 
said it would arrange for a signer but that 
Bisesi would have lo pay the $100 fee. Bi- 
sesi insisted that the club pay, citing a state 
law that prohibits businesses from discrim- 
inating against disabled customers. The 
owner refused, saying he couldn't afford to 
spend $100 every lime he sold a $15 tick- 
et to a deaf person. He instead offered Bi- 
sesi any seat she needed to be alle to read 
lips, or free entrance for her signer. Bisest 
complained lo the Ohio Civil Rights Com- 
mission, which ruled against the club and 
sent the case to the state's attorney general. 


BUTT BACK 


AUGUSTA, MAINE—To reduce litter, a 
legislator has proposed adding a nickel de- 
posit to each of the 2.2 billion cigarettes 
sold annually in the state. Smokers would 
retrieve their cash by taking the marked 
butts lo redemption centers. The Bureau of 
Health opposes the idea, saying it wouldn't 
be sanitary. 


THE ART OF POLITICS 


NEW YORK— Mayor Rudy Giuliani re- 
vived his dormant Cultural Affairs Ad- 
visory Committee lo recommend "decency 
standards” for city-funded museums. The 
20 appointees include three artists, as well 
as the founder of the Guardian Angels, 
two campaign donors and the mayor's di- 
vorce lawyer. The decency subcommittee's 
chairman. insists that "paintings are not 
going to be torn down off the walls” and 
that critics should "calm down." 

LOS ANGELES—Afler 37 years of fight- 
ing smut, Ihe Los Angeles County Board of 
Supervisors voted 3-2 to disband its Com- 
оп on Obscenity and Pornography. 
The panel had met only once in the past six 


years and had no staff or budget. 


ONLINE EXPOSURE 


SAN FRANCISCO— Several years ago 
anti-abortion activists began posting the 
home addresses, license plate numbers and 
other personal information about abortion 
providers online and on WANTED posters. 


When a physician was murdered, his name 
would be crossed out. Planned Parent- 
hood, four doctors and a Portland clinic 
sued and won $107 million. In March, an 
appeals court overturned the verdict. “De- 
fendants can only be held liable if they au- 
thorized, ratified or directly threatened vi- 
olence," the court ruled. “Political speech 
may not be punished just because it makes 
it more likely that someone will be harmed 
al some unknown lime in the future by an 
unrelated third party." 

KIRKLAND. WASHINGTON— City officials 
asked a judge lo shulter а website that lists 
the home addresses, phone numbers, Social 
Security numbers, criminal record docket 
numbers (if any) and salaries of its police 
officers. The site also lists data about ој 
cers in 14 other cities. Its creator, who ob- 
tained the data from public records, says he 
wants to hold police accountable. "The in- 
formation we present here is information 
the police have at their disposal when they 
investigate us," he writes. Kirkland offi- 
cials say the site puts officers in danger. 


BANK BOK 


BEAVER. PENNSVLVANIA—Last year po- 
lice anested Regina Griffin for passing a 
phony prescription. During a strip search 
at the Beaver County Jail, guards found 
91 cents in her pocket and $2141 in her 


vagina. A judge ordered police to seize the 
roll of bills, but the district attorney had 
trouble finding a bank that would accept 
the "contaminated" money. The bank that 
eventually did insisted the bills be wrapped 
in plastic; they were later destroyed 


TRY SOMETHING Hd 


and do it responsibly 


IT’S NEW. IT'S COOL. 
IT'S BLUE. 


Gillette MACH3 |] >? 
COOL BLUE WA 


Great close shave. Cool new look. || 


wwe. ПМ BURTON 


a candid conversation with the wildly inventive director about the weird appeal of 
charlton heston, the sexuality of apes and the benefits of being a high school loser 


It's odd that director Tim Burton kee 
finding himself at the helm of 
dio blockbusters, because he's really not the 
type. Trained as a fine artist aud described 
as a shy, withdrawn loner, he has indie film- 
maker written all over him. 

The potential blockbuster on his slate is 
Planet of the Apes, а “re-imagination,” as 
Burton says, of the 1968 science fiction clas- 
sic about an astronaut who lands on an 
alien world where apes talk and humans are 
second-rate primates. This upside-down sim- 
ian society should be familiar territory for 
Burton, who has spent close to a decade ex- 
ploring themes of social maladjustment in 
unconventional characters such as Batman, 
Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice and the 
Headless Horseman. 

Burton creates quirky movies that rake in 
tons of cash for the studios. And his methad 
is deceptively simple: He makes children’s 
movies for adults. Burton combines the visu- 
al sophistication and complex narrative nu- 
ances adults demand of movies with a child's 
love of spectacle and mystery, His debut film, 
1985's Pec-wee's Big Adventure—which he 
directed at the age of 26—was made [or $6 
million and grossed $45 million. The 1988 
follow-up, Beetlejuice, cost $13 million and 
brought in $80 million, and the following 


“I often ask myself why 1 do what 1 do, be- 
cause | don't get the pleasure from it that 
other filmmakers seem to get. I'm nol good 
at business. Constantly ringing cell phones 
don't bring out the best in me.” 


year Burton broke box-office records with 
Batman. The film—along with Burton's se- 
quel Batman Returns—became a billiou- 
dollar business. 

Born in Burbank, California in 1958, 
Burton grew up in a lower-middle-class 
neighborhood he'd prefer to forget. He's been 
out of touch for more than two decades with 
his family—younger brother Danny and 
their mother, Jean, who works in a gift shop. 
His father, Bill Burton, died last year, Tim 
spent most of his time drawing, daydream- 
ing, watching B movies and poring over is- 
sues of Famous Monsters of Filmland maga- 
zine. The loneliness and isolation Burton felt 
as a child—and his capacity to escape those 
feelings through fantasy—have influenced 
almost all his movies, which often deal with 
outsiders and estrangement. 

Burton barely got through high school but 
on the basis of his obvious artistic gift was 
admitted into the animation program at the 
California Institute of the Arts, a school 
founded by Walt and Roy Disney in Valen- 
cia, California. Burton foundered there as 
well, when he discovered that animation 
isn't a оой field for people who color outside 
the lines. But he was nonetheless hired by 
the Disney studio on the strength of his brief 
exercise in pencil-test animation, called 


“Once you've made Batman, people want to 
charge you $100,000 a month to rent you a 
house. I'm not getting a financial benefit out 
of Batman, and that's been one of the worst 
aspects of having done that film.” 


Stalk of the Celery Monster: Disney put him 
to work on its 1981 film The Fox and the 
Hound. 

In his spare time Burton worked on a chil- 
dren's book that was an homage to his child- 
hood hero Vincent Price. The following year, 
when Disney gave him $60,000 to create 
something, he adapted it into a short film. 
The resulting six-minute film, Vincent, which 
he completed in 1982, and Frankenweenie, 
a short film made in 1984 about a young boy 
determined to revive his dead dog, launched 
Burton's career. 

After Burton left Disney, writer Stephen 
King recommended Frankenweenie to a 
Warner Bros. executive, who screened it for 
Paul Reubens. Reubens, whose television se- 
ries, Pee-wee’s Playhouse, was hugely suc- 
cessful at the üme, was looking for someone 
to direct him in his first film. Together, Bur- 
ton and. Reubens created а charming, vis- 
ually captivating film. Contributing to the 
movie was composer Danny Elfman, whose 
quirky music subsequently became an es- 
sential companion to Burton's visuals. 
man scored Burton's next film, the offbeat 
ghost comedy Beetlejuice, and followed that 
up with Batman. While he was in Eng- 
land shooting Batman. Burton met German 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 
“I once got some kids to help me set up a 
bunch of debris and weird footprints in a 
park, and we convinced these other kids an 
alien ship had crashed. As a kid 1 was al- 
ways able lo get other kids to do things." 


59 


PLAYBOY 


painter Lena Gieseke, whom he married in 
February 1989. 

Following the phenomenal success of Bal- 
man, Burton made Edward Scissorhands, a 
modest fairy tale starring Johnny Depp. One 
of Burton's most admired films and his most 
personal, it's the story of a misfit who has 
scissors instead of hands and can't get close 
to people without accidentally hurting them. 

A subtly observed, intimate film, Edward 
Scissorhands gave Burton a chance to catch 
his breath before diving into Batman Re- 
turns. By the time that film was released to 
mixed reviews in 1992, Burton's marriage 
to Gieseke was over, and he'd fallen in love 
with model Lisa Marie. 

Burton cast Lisa Marie in a supporting 
role in his 1994 film, Ed Wood, a tribute to 
the Fifties cult filmmaker often described as 
the worst director of all time. Lisa Marie al- 
so appears in Burton's three subsequent 
films: Mars Attacks, Sleepy Hollow and Plan- 
el of the Apes. 

Although Burton assembled an amazing 
cast for Mars Attacks that included Glenn 
Close, Jack Nicholson and Annette Bening, 
the 1996 film was the most harshly reviewed 
of his career. Sleepy Hollow was praised for 
extraordinary art direction and broke the 
$100 million mark (a first for a film star- 
ring Depp). 

Burton lives with Lisa Marie in the Holly- 
wood hills, but freelance journalist Kristine 
McKenna—whose last Playboy Interview was 
with John Malkovich—tracked him down in 
New York City, where the 43-year-old film- 
maker was holed up in the Brill Building, 
racing to complete a cut of Planet of the 
Apes. McKenna reports being surprised by 
the man she met. “Tim Burton has a reputa- 
tion for being noncommunicative and re- 
mole, but 1 didn't find him that way at all. 
Though he invariably showed up for our 
meelings dressed in black—he has a goth- 
grunge thing going in terms of sartorial 
style—he was forthcoming, relaxed and 
downright sunny. 

"He's no slick glad-hander and I imagine 
that he squirms a lot when he’s in the studio 
boardroom. Talking with him, you can un- 
derstand why those studio guys keep giving 
him the keys to the car. He really loves the 
things he loves, and when he talks about 
them he shows an enthusiasm that’s conta- 
gious and charming.” 


PLAYBOY: Do you have to be a good liar to 
survive in the movie business? 

BURTON: It's like being in the Army, in 
that you can’t show people what you re- 
ally think. I prefer not to think of myself 
as a liar and try to surround myself with 
people who can handle truth, but the 
truth is always subjective. In the movie 
business at the end of the day, it's all just 
people's opinions, because this isn’t a 
precise science. Still, when you're mak- 
ing something you're like a shark ma- 
neuvering through all these opinions. 
Movies are an out-of-body experience. 
I'm always amused when certain money 


60 people enter the movie business expect- 


ing truth, logic and a clear-cut return on 
their investment, because there’s a sur- 
real aspect to this entire undertaking 
that's impossible to control. 

PLAYBOY: Planet of the Apes is a cult classic. 
How much license did you grant your- 
self to reinvent the story? For instance, 
the previous Apes movies all could be in- 
terpreted as cautionary tales about nu- 
clear war. 

BURTON: This one's a cautionary tale 
about trying to remake science fiction 
films from the late Sixties. Actually, we 
don't get into the nuclear thing too 
much because we weren't attempting to 
remake the original. The first Apes mov- 
ie, directed by Franklin Schaffner, was 
such a classic that it wasn't ripe for re- 
making. The thing that may allow us to 
get away with this film is that we aren't 
trying to make it the same thing. Let's 
face it, you can't beat certain aspects of. 
the original. They say you should try 
to remake only bad movies, and Planet 
of the Apes wasn't a bad movie. For many 
of us the film had a lot of impact, and 
for reasons I can't explain it was a weird 
idea that just clicked. 1 have done several 


T was a huge Charlton 
Heston fan when I was 
growing up. Monster 
movies didn't scare me 
at all, but Heston's 
films really did. 


films that involved elaborate makeup, 
but there's something really powerful in 
the simple premise of talking apes that’s 
so eerie it's almost Shakespearean. Un- 
fortunately, there were talking apes 
checking into the Beverly Wilshire and 
going shopping by the time the third 
Apes film came out in 1971. The apes 
dressed like car mechanics in the fourth 
and fifth films. We won't dwell on that 
though, because the first one was pret- 
ty great. 

PLAYBOY: You can't talk about the original 
Planet of the Apes without mentioning 
Charlton Heston. What do you think of 
his work? 

BURTON: | was a huge Charlton Heston 
fan when I was growing up—particular- 
ly during his Planet of the Apes, Omega 
Man, Soylent Green period—and he still 
fascinates me. Monster movies didn't 
scare me at all as a child, but Heston's 
films really did. Nobody ever mentions 
that The Ten Commandments is like a hor- 
ror movie. Heston's character starts out 
like a normal guy and by the end of the 
film he's this weird zombie. There's tons 
of horrific imagery—it's like a monster 
movie and Heston has a presence in it 


that's terrifying. Because he communi- 
cated a belief in what he was doing, he 
had this uncanny ability to make you be- 
lieve whatever bullshit was going on, and 
in Omega Man he comes across as the 
most serious person who ever lived. Hes- 
ton’s like Vincent Price, who's an actor I 
love in a completely different way. Both 
of them seem tortured somehow, and 
there's something really personal about. 
what they do on-screen. 

PLAYBOY: The makeup for the original 
Apes movies consisted of rubber masks 
and Star Trek-type outfits. How have you 
improved on that? 

BURTON: The problem is that if you strict- 
ly adhere to the basic premise and keep 
the apes naked and acting more like ani- 
mals, it becomes another thing. We tried 
to get into ape behavior so it would feel 
like more than just people with ape 
masks on. The cast and crew spent a 
week at Ape School trying to get a feel 
for ape mannerisms. Some of what went 
on at Ape School was movement train- 
ing, and some of it was interacting with 
live chimps. Being in Ape School was like 
flying on an airplane in that on some lev- 
el everybody was terrified. There's an 
undercurrent of suppressed fear I feel 
on airplanes, and I sensed something 
similar at Ape School, which I think had 
to do with the fact that monkeys are 
completely unpredictable and intensely 
sexual. 

PLAYBOY: Sexual? 

BURTON: Yes. They fall in love with you, 
and they're jealous and possessive. They 
would start humping my leg, and if I 
didn't pay attention to them, they'd spit 
at me or throw shit at me. They'll grab 
you wherever. They're very interested in 
the inside of your nose and your mouth, 
and they try to groom you. They have an 
extra three feet to their reach, and they 
don't know their own strength. One day 
one of them jumped on me from a 10- 
foot platform and completely took me 
out. He was just playing, but it was like 
having an anvil thrown at you. I love an- 
imals, but with these monkeys I felt like I 
was gazing into the unknown. It’s inter- 
esting that culturally we've come to re- 
gard them as cute, but they're capable of 
ripping you in half. They have an in- 
sane, psycho quality. One day 1 caught 
one of them staring at me and 1 thought, 
Man. if a human ever looked at me that 
way Га run in the other direction. I felt 
like I was in some weird gay bar and 
some sleazy person was checking me out. 
PLAYBOY: Bill Broyles wrote the screen- 
play for your Planet of the Apes. Then, at 
the Lth hour, you brought in the writ- 
ing team of Lawrence Konner and Mark 
Rosenthal to rework the script. Why? 
BURTON: 1 don't know why this is—it's 
something you should probably ask the 
studios about—but with all the big mov- 
ies I've done, the scripts are never ready 
when it's time to shoot. Never. When 1 


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61 


PLAYBOY 


came on board with the first Batman lots 
of people had been involved and loads of 
money had been sunk into the thing. 1 
don't know why there's so much second- 
guessing in the movie business. I guess 
it’s because people with a lot of money 
tend to be concerned about what might 
happen to their money, which is prob- 
ably how they manage to accumulate it 
in the first place. But this is a funny 
business to be in if you want concrete 
answers. Movies are abstractions until 
they've been completed—and that’s the 
beauty of them. So, I hear myself saying 
OK, we're going to start this film and 
we're going to get it into shape. I'm like 
Ed Wood—Mr. Optimistic. Bill Broyles 
had been working on the Planet of the 
Apes script for a long time before I got on 
it, and we worked with Bill for a while 
longer, but I think it was starting to drive 
him crazy. Sometimes you need a fresh 
perspective, and bringing in new writ- 
ers is like going to a doctor for a sec- 
ond opinion. Larry Konner was on the 
set every day doing new pages as the 
shoot progressed, because dialogue that 
might sound good in a story conference 
isn't necessarily going to sound great 
when you get people in ape makeup say- 
ing it. Budget also played a role in the 
script rewrite. If we had adhered to Bill's 
script we'd still be shooting, and the film. 
would have cost an extra $200 million. 
PLAYBOY: What made Mark Wahlberg 
right for the lead? 

BURTON: Mark's a type of actor I really 
like. He's solid and there's not a lot of. 
bullshit about him. When you're doing a 
film like this you need a person who can 
serve as an anchor, and Mark can do 
that. Before 1 met him people were tell- 
ing me he had all this baggage involving 
music, Calvin Klein underwear ads and 
so on. But the guy's good, so people 
should give him a fucking break. You'll 
have an actor who never shows up on 
time on one film, then he's right there 
like an angel on the next one. It's all 
chemistry, so 1 don't pay too much atten- 
Чоп to people's reputations. 

PLAYBOY: Have you ever bad to fire an 
actor? 

BURTON: No, partly because I'm not sure 
what good acting is. 1 straddle a fine line 
of knowing what's what. With Pee-wee's 
Big Adventure and Beetlejuice 1 was work- 
ing with actors like Paul Reubens, Mi- 
chael Keaton and Catherine O'Hara. 
They're so good at improvisation that 
most of those movies wound up being 
improvised. I get excited by actors who 
can surprise you. The point is, I don't al- 
ways assume 1 know best, particularly 
when I'm working with a talent like Bill 
Murray, who was just great in Ed Wood. 
1 love people I don't understand, апа 
there's something deeply puzzling about 
Bill. Prior to shooting he prepared for 
his character by having all the hair on his 
body waxed, and believe me, it looked 


62 extremely painful. I love him and that 


performance so much that 1 still day- 
dream about doing a music video of the 


PLAYBOY: Do you have a sense if a movie 
is going to be a success? 

BURTON: I'm always surprised by how 
movies do. With Batman, I thought it 
had a shot at making a modest profit. 
But ultimately I don't have any clue, be- 
cause you're dealing with things that are 
organic. I'm like Ed Wood in that I go in- 
to every movie with the same mixture of 
optimism, enthusiasm and denial. You 
have to because you're devoting your 
time to it, so you get close to things and 
the movie becomes like one of your chil- 
dren. It may be ugly, but it's your child. 
Plus, there is no ultimate truth about the 
worth of a movie, and that's something 
I learned when Pre-wee's Big Adventure 
came out. It was on several lists as one 
of the worst films of 1985. Then when Bee- 
tlejuice came out in 1988, the same re- 
viewers that gave Pee-wee minus 10 were 
talking about how great Pee-wee was and 
what a disappointment my new film Bee- 
Uejuice was. It's like high school the way 
critics trash you, then suddenly they're 
your best friend. I always think, Hey, 
you guys never talked to me in high 
school, so why start now? 

PLAYBOY: Directing a movie on the scale 
of Planet of the Apes is like being a gener- 
al in the army—it demands leadership 
skills. Where did you acquire those? 
BURTON: Maybe all those endless hours 
spent watching movies where the Army 
attacks the giant insects taught me how 
t0 maneuver troops and destroy all mon- 
sters. As a kid I was always able to get 
other kids to do things. I once got some 
kids to help me set up a bunch of debris 
and weird footprints in a park, and we 
convinced these other kids an alien ship 
had crashed in Burbank. 1 would stage 
fake fights in the neighborhood so it 
looked like somebody was killing some- 
body, and I once convinced a kid that a 
killer had fallen into a neighbor's pool 
after they'd just cleaned it and doused it. 
with acid and chlorine. 1 threw some 
clothes in there and told this kid the guy 
had dissolved. 

PLAYBOY: Now that you've done a few big 
movies, do you feel like you know the 
drill? Is it getting casier? 

BURTON: It's actually gotten harder. With 
the first Batman 1 was kind of flying be- 
low the radar, plus it was shot in Eng 
land. I was eight hours away from the 
studio, the media and a lot of the pres- 
sure. At that point the pressures were 
just abstractions to me, but when the 
same things keep happening to you your 
tolerance goes down. 1 remember seeing 
people who looked like they were soing 
to jump off a ledge and thinking, Gee, 
why is that person acting that way? After 
a few years you start climbing out on the 
ledge yourself. Working with a studio on 
a movie of this scale is an incredible 
journey because you don't have the op- 


tion of not showing up. 1 plan to take 
a slightly deeper breath before 1 start 
the next movie, which will definitely be 
smaller. 

PLAYBOY: You've spoken about the terror 
you felt when you arrived in England in 
1988 and saw the 95 acres of Batman sets 
that filled Pinewood Studios. How did 
you get through that experience? 
BURTON: Sometimes you get karmic les- 
sons, and I guess that was one of mine. 
Throughout my life I'd never talked 
much or communicated well with peo- 
ple, and I think that's one of the reasons 
1 like to draw and became an animator— 
you could show a picture instead of talk- 
ing. Communicating with people was 
definitely one of the major challenges 
Batman presented. The first day of shoot- 
ing I had an experience with Jack Pal- 
ance that scared me to death—I literally 
saw white and left my body. It was the 
first shot and I figured we'd start simple 
h a shot of Jack Palance walking out 
of a bathroom. So he's in the bathroom 
and we're rolling camera, but when I call 
“action” nobody comes out. I say “cut” 
and walk over and say “OK, Mr. Palance, 
all you have to do is come out.” So we 
start again, I say “action” and he still 
doesn't come out. I walk back over and 
say, "OK, Mr. Palance, all you've got to 
do is come out," and he starts breathing 
heavy and grabs me and screams, "Who 
are you to tell me what to do? I've done 
over a hundred movies!" 1 absolutely 
freaked out and one of the producers 
had to calm everybody down. 1 don't 
know what was going on in Palance's 
mind, and he apologized later, but it 
scared me to death. That movie w; tri- 
al by fire on every level, and Jack Nichol- 
son ly helped me get through it, sim- 
ply by being who he is and supporting 
me. Having somebody like him on my 
side was so helpful. I'll never forget 
that— Jack's a good man that way. It's al- 
so incredibly fun to watch him work be- 
cause he has such an amazing command 
of his skills. He can come up with dif- 
ferent approaches to a scene time after 
time, and Га find myself wanting to do 
extra takes just to see what he'd do. 
PLAYBOY: What was your life like in 1989 
when Batman was breaking box office 
records? 

BURTON: It was so surreal it didn't really 
affect me. If there were dancing girls 
throwing money around 1 might have 
had a stronger feeling about it. Right 
after I finished Batman I went to make 
Edward Scissorhands, which we shot in a 
small town east of Tampa, Florida. When 
you're staying in a mosquito-infested 
condo in a third-rate golf resort and 
there's a. plastic fish hanging on your 
wall, it's hard to feel like you're king of 
the world 

PLAYBOY: Unlike most directors, you're а 
y. How do you 


like your celebrityhood: 
BURTON: Bcing a so-called public figure 


is a lot to adjust to and there are many 
layers to it. For instance, if somebody ap- 
proaches me on the street and tells me 
he's been touched by something in one 
of my films, that makes me feel really 
good. On the other hand, when people 
come up and hand me scripts, 1 always 
want to say, "Hey, why are you handing 
me a script? Have you read any reviews 
of my films? Every reviewer says my 
scripts are terrible!” We live in a world 
where everyone's privacy is subject to 
invasion, but 1 like mystery in life. I pre 
fer to look at people and wonder about 
them, as opposed to knowing every stu- 
pid detail about their lives. Of course I, 
100, occasionally have those nosy feelings 
of wanting to know everything, but they 
aren't feelings I'm 
proud of and I don't 
think they deserve to 
be satisfied. Before I 
started making mov- 
ies I used to go sit in 
the mall and draw, 
and Гуе always loved 
observing people. 
But that's not some- 
thing I can do any- 
morc. I've come full 
circle—now I am the 
observed and must 
reside in my own Twi- 
light Zone. If I do 
something like this 
interview or go out to 
a dinner, it leaves mc 
completely exhaust- 
ed. I know I'm being 
looked at and I don't 
like it. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have 
a temper? 

BURTON: Unfortu- 
nately 1 have а quick- 
er temper than I 
used to. We went 
on location in Ha- 
waii and everybody 
showed up for work 
in Hawaiian shirts, 
like they were on the 
Love Boat. Maybe it's 
because 1 was tired, 
but it really bothered me and 1 yelled, 
"We're not on vacation yet!" Hawaii has 
a strong current of primal energy, and 
the first time I went there 1 thought 1 
was dying because 1 felt a way I'd never 
felt before. Then I learned that what I 
was feeling was relaxation. 

PLAYBOY: What's the most widely held 
sconception about the lives of the 
famous? 

BURTON: One is that we all hang out to- 
gether. I once went to a dinner where it 
was all famous people, and all 1 can re- 
member is how uncomfortable every- 
body was. It was a weird evening. 
PLAYBOY: Is Hollywood a hard place to 
make friends? 

BURTON: I've read things about myself 


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like, “Tim disappears on people," but 
I'm in a business where people disap- 
pear. 1 recently went to the doctor and 
the dentist, and I was surprised when 
they both told me that I hadn't seen 
either of them in a few years. I felt like 
Га just seen them. Maybe as you get old- 
er ihe passage of time accelerates and 
the time machine gets put on full speed 
ahead. Гуе always felt like a friendly per- 
son, but I don't have that many friends, 
and I don't know if I can pin the blame 
for that on Hollywood. 

PLAYBOY: Which of your films has been 
the most personal and revealing of you? 
BURTON: Edward Scissorhands, which was 
self-generated way back. Alan Arkin was 
so good in that film that it was scary, be- 


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cause he really reminded me of my dad. 
I feel very close to The Nightmare Before 
Christmas and Ed Wood, too. 

PLAYBOY: Several critics have noted you 
avoid dealing with sexuality in your 
films. Do you avoid sex? 

BURTON: I never thought of it that way— 
I consider Catwoman a sexual character, 
for instance. It's true, though. that I'm 
interested in manifestations of sexuali- 
ty that are more subtle and difficult to 
define. Take Vincent Price. 1 always saw 
him as a heterosexual character, yet he 
was slightly ambiguous. 
the things that interested me about Ed 
Wood as well. He dressed in women's 
clothes but was neither gay nor hetero- 
sexual. He was something else that you 


That's one of 


couldn't quite define. 

PLAYBOY: What's the most difficult step in 
filmmaking? 

BURTON: I'm not good at business—in 
fact, I'm pretty bad at it. I'm a person 
who needs time to think and muse over 
things. Having a million things going on 
and constantly ringing cell phones don't 
bring out the best in me. The deal-mak- 
ing part seems to exist in a hermetically 
sealed world where people are prone to 
believe all kinds of crap, and I'm not 
comfortable in that environment and try 
not to spend too much time there. You 
feel at odds with yourself when you're 
making something, and if I'm looking 
out over a lake or at the ocean I often ask 
myself why I do what I do, because T 
don't get the pleasure 
from it that other 
filmmakers seem to 
get. The whole thing 
seems insurmount- 
ably difficult. 1 guess 
the thing that keeps 
me doing it is that 
I enjoy the people 
and I like the crew. 
They're not sitting 
around bullshitting 
in some boardroom, 
going over research 
about this or that— 
they're busting their 
asses to actually do 
something. 

The most physical- 
ly arduous part of the 
process is obviously 
the shoot itself, but 
that's also the best 
part, because there's 
movement. Emotion- 
ally you have to train 
like an athlete to 
shoot a big movie, 
and it’s incredibly de- 


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until you're halfway 
through shooting it— 
that really takes a lot 
out of everybody. This film was shot in 
80 days, which is the fastest shoot Гуе 
ever done. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your younger 
years. Did you do drugs in high school? 
You seem like the type. 

BURTON: A little, but Гуе never done acid 
or anything like that. When I was a child, 
I felt like I was already really old, so I 
never had friends my own age and nev- 
er had access to drugs. I wasn't in the 
loop of social or cultural peer pressure 
10 do what everyone else was doing, and 
I even left high school a semester early. I 
don't know what was up with the school 
system that I was able to get out early, 
because I was a lousy student. In fact, I 
was completely unable to write anything 


PLAYBOY 


64 


in my last year of high school because I'd 
gotten in a fight during a sporting event 
and broken my hand. When I left school 
early, people told me I was going to miss 
the best time of my life, but when I went 
back for the graduation ceremony, ev- 
erybody looked like they'd just done life 
in prison. 

PLAYBOY: Did your parents support your 
creativity? 

BURTON: Thar's hard to say. My father ac- 
tually liked to draw, but he didn't show 
that side of himself too much. He was 
an ex—baseball player, so I was kind of 
pushed into sports, though I was some- 
what willing. 1 also played a musical 
strument, and they tried to push me into 
the arts. The one thing they didn't push 
me into was drawing—and if they had, 
I probably wouldn't have gotten into it. 
My parents weren't particularly strict, 
but anyone who comes from suburbia 
can tell you that your parents don't have 
to be strict for you to feel strangled by 
that culture. We lived right by the Bur- 
bank airport and the planes flew so low 
that I could stick my ear right on the 
television set and turn it up as loud as 
it would go, and 1 still wouldn't be able 
to hear it. My parents tried to send me 
to church, but suburban religion is a 
bureaucratic setup where you're told 
things but you don't feel anything. 1 con- 
sider myself a spiritual person, but I 
don't place spirituality in any concrete 
form or place. 

PLAYBOY: 15 it true your parents blocked 
out the windows in your bedroom? 
BURTON: Yeah, they covered them up for 
insulation, supposedly, and they put а 
little slit at the top of the covering so 
some light could get in. It was a subur- 
ban thing of keeping the heat in or 
something—they said the windows were 
letting in too much air. I thought, What 
the fuck? This is California for Christ's 
sake! That's probably why I've always re- 
lated to Edgar Allan Poe, who wrote sev- 
eral stories revolving around the theme 
of being buried alive. 

PLAYBOY: Would you characterize your- 
self as a rebellious kid? 

BURTON: I was quietly rebellious. 1 never 
spent too much time in the principal's 
office, but my grandmother told me that 
before I could walk I was trying to crawl 
out the door. 1 just remember wanting to 
go. When I was 10 I went to live with my 
grandmother, and I lived with her unul 
1 got out of high school. My grandfather 
was dead by then. My dad understood 
my wanting to live with my grandmoth- 
er, but my mom was really upset, which 
was kind of the reason I wanted to go. 
My grandmother gave me sanctuary and 
she really saved me. She made sure I 
had food and left me alone. I didn't hate 
my parents, but I just never felt social- 
ized in that way. As a child I always had 
Italian friends. I didn't consciously do 
this, but I'd befriend these sweet, won- 


derful Italian families who'd give me 
food and take me in. My parents were 
much more reserved—so much so, in 
fact, that until around 10 years ago I al- 
ways flinched whenever anyone touched 
me. Looking back on it now, it's pret- 
ty clear to me that my parents were de- 
pressed, and I always felt a deep, dark 
unhappiness permeating the air in their 
house. My dad was a baseball player who 
got injured, and he must have been un- 
happy about that. I don't know what was 
up with my mom, but she seemed real 
depressed. It's kind of scary, but I don't 
know much about them. I realized that 
when I was in my early 20s, so I tried 
to ask them about their lives, but they 
didn't really want to tell me. One of the 
things I love about traveling is that you 
get to see other cultures where people 
relate to one another in an open way. It's 
so beautiful I almost start to cry think- 
ing about it, because it's something I nev- 
er had. 

PLAYBOY: Are you in contact with your 
parents now? 

BURTON: My dad died last year. He had 
been ill for a while, and 1 made some lit- 
tle attempts to communicate with him 
and have some kind of resolution. His 
death wasn't a huge sense of loss, be- 
cause I'd been grieving the absence of a 
relationship with him my whole life 
PLAYBOY: Do you plan to have children? 
BURTON: I'm still so attuned to the feel- 
ings I had as a child that I think I've re- 
sisted it so far. I'm kind ofa late bloomer, 
probably because there were a lot of is- 
sues I kept repressed for a long time. I 
don’t know if Гуе really dealt with those 
things yet. It's like seasons, and I think 
you go through waves. You kind of think 
you've dealt with something, then you 
find yourself regressing into it. 

PLAYBOY: Yes, but one likes to think that 
some things can Бе fully healed. For in- 
stance, you mentioned you no longer 
flinch when people touch you 

BURTON: Certain studio executives still 
make me flinch when they touch me. If 1 
were kissed by Jon Peters again I might 
flinch. 

PLAYBOY: Do you envision the day when 
you'll have worked through all the emo- 
tional and creative material generated 
by your childhood? 

BURTON: Are you asking if I'm going to 
get tapped out? I don't know. Maybe 
that will happen and ГІІ revert to some 
kind of amoeba state. There is an ele- 
ment of catharsis to doing something 
creative—you can work out certain 
things and move on. So if you were able 
to make movies reasonably quickly, 1 
guess they could work as some sort of 
therapy and you could use them to work 
through a lot of stuff. But the problem 
with movies, especially these kinds of 
movies, is that they take so long it’s like 
a painful birth, a rough life and a bit- 
ter death, and the whole experience 


winds up generating more psychological 
material. 

PLAYBOY: Is the world a better place now 
than it was when you were a child? 
BURTON: It's hard to say if things get 
worse as we get older or if they just seem 
worse. You read about people dying of 
leprosy at the age of 30 or having to have 
their fingers cut off, and you think obvi- 
ously things are better now. Nonetheless, 
there's so much overstimulation now 
that I find myself longing for the time 
when you couldn't be contacted every 
second of the day by cell phone. I have 
one and admit there's a slight James 
Bond aspect to it that appeals to me, but 
I rarely use it and Lisa is the only person 
who has the number. Seeing two people 
sitting across from each other in a ro- 
restaurant having conversations 
on their cell phones with other people is 
so freakish. I find the Internet depress- 
ing, тоо, largely because so much of it is 
gossip. The Internet has amazing capa- 
bilities, but it also takes gossip, innuendo 
and the printed word and disseminates 
them at an incredibly rapid rate. It 
doesn't matter what's true because once 
it's out there gossip takes on a life of its 
own, and that's 
body says something incorrect about an 
area of my life that is or was painful, 
that's not cool and it leaves me feeling as 
if T've been robbed. 

PLAYBOY: Back when you were learning 
to draw, who were your favorites? 
BURTON: Dr. Seuss was my favorite by far. 
His books are so beautiful and subver- 
sive, and they work on so many levels. 
Like any good folktale, Dr. Seuss’ stories 
are timeless and they have cultural and 
sociological meaning that will always 
hold true. That work was so much of 
what he was, that I've always left it alone 
as far as trying to turn one of his books 
into a film. As far as the work that influ- 
enced me, I'm a child of television and I 
grew up on monster movies, The Twilight 
Zone and The Outer Limits. 1 still get a 
warm glow from a television set because 
for me it's always been the hearth, the 
parents, the womb and a friend, so I just 
like having it on. Now I mostly watch the 
movie channels and cooking shows like 
Iron Chef, but the main things I like are 
the soft waves of light and the sound a 
television gives off. 

PLAYBOY: What about books? 

BURTON: One of the problems of being 
part of the television generation is that I 
don't read much and it's not easy for me 
to read—in fact, in order to read a book 
I'd almost have to not do anything else. I 
spend a lot of time flying but 1 never 
read then. I can't do anything when I'm 
on a plane because the minute I start to 
focus on something there's turbulence, 
so I just stop everything and I sit there 
like my dog. Гуе tried drinking but that 
doesn't help. When you see a plane take 
off it just doesn't look like something 
that should be happening. The thing 


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PLAYBOY 


that drives me most crazy on planes is 
people who go up there and pull dovn 
the shade! As long as you're up there 
you might as well appreciate the view. 
You're in the heavens! You can see 
things! Why create more daustrophobia 
in a thing that's already a claustrophobic 
nightmare? 

PLAYBOY: What made you fall in love with 
Lisa Marie? 

BURTON: It was unexpected, which seems 
to be the way these things happen. I felt 
something on a level that was amazing to 
me, and Ull never forget it. It was kind of 
shocking, actually, because like a lot of 
people, I'd reached the point of believ- 
ing it was never going to happen for me 
and that maybe 1 was expecting too 
much. Then I got this feeling that was 
bizarre and amazing—no matter what 
your intellectual mind tells you, when 
you experience a real feeling you know 
it, and it’s a beautiful thing. It had ad- 
ditional meaning because it showed me 
I wasn't some kind of crazy monster in- 
capable of having normal human feel- 
ings. I experienced a strong sense of 
connection the minute we met and it 
wasn't until later that 1 learned how 
much we hat common. Like me, she 
had left her parents’ home at an early 
age, and the minute I saw her 1 sort of 
flashed on her as a young girl, as an old 
woman-—41 could see it all in her. It was 
like a weird special effect that felt real- 
ly good and pure. She was someone I 
could share the things I do with, and I 
love working vith her. 

PLAYBOY: She's had small parts in several 
of your films; do you plan to cast her in а 
leading role? 

BURTON: Oh yeah, I absolutely want to 
work with her in that way, but here's the 
problem. I've been trying to make kind 
of an independent movie since Edward 
Scissorhands, and I had to walk away 
from quite a few things to make that 
film. Once you've made a movie like Bat- 
man, people want to charge you $100,000 
a month to rent you a house, and you 
wind up penalized for being associated 
with something you're not actually get- 
ting much benefit from. I'm not getting 
a financial benefit from Batman, and 
that's been one of the worst aspects of 
having done that film. When 1 did Ed 
Wood nobody believed I would work for 
scale, and I felt like I was being looked 
upon as kind of an idiot for doing it. The 
point I'm making is that you have to find 
a way out and I don't know what that 
way is. 

PLAYBOY: Was it a goal of yours to make 
big studio movies? 

BURTON: No, and I've always felt it’s been 
one of my saving graces that it wasn't. 
I've never had one goal I was obsessed 
with, and having known people who 
can see it's just a way to set your- 
self up for failure. 


66 PLAYBOY: Paul Reubens was a huge star 


when you directed him in your first fea- 
ture, Pee-wee's Big Adventure, but he dis- 
appeared from public view for several 
years following his 1991 arrest for a sex- 
ual misadventure. Did the entertain- 
ment industry ostracize Reubens or was 
it his choice not to work? 

BURTON: That episode with Paul seemed 
to mark the beginning of a new era of 
“let's tear people down." America has a 
history of tearing people down and then 
resurrecting them, and it's a sick ritu- 
al that's a complete waste of time and 
makes me deeply angry. If a mobster did 
things that people in the movie business 
do every day, he'd be killed. Paul is tal- 
ented, resourceful and creative, so he 
survived, but that entire episode was a 
waste of his time. 

PLAYBOY: What's the basis of the bond be- 
tween you and Johnny Depp that enables 
you to work together so successfully? 
BURTON: 1 realized something about John- 
ny when he played Edward Scissor- 
hands, which is that he has baggage too. 
He looks a certain way, but who he is 
goes far beyond his appearance. There's 
a lot going on with Johnny. I think I re- 
spond to the fact that he's perceived a 
certain way but isn't really that way, and 
I also love that as an actor he doesn't 
care how he looks—he has a real free- 
dom in that regard. We've done three 
films together—Scissorhands in 1990, Ed 
Wood in 1994, and Sleepy Hollow in 1999— 
and he's been completely different in all 
of them. I'm excited by the possibilities 
with Johnny. 

PLAYBOY: Martin Landau won an Acade- 
my Avard for his performance as Bela 
Lugosi in Ed Wood. What made you cast 
Landau as Lugosi? 

BURTON: 1 knew he'd understand the 
part. Here's a guy who's done all this 
great stuff and worked with Hitchcock, 
but he was also on Gilligan's Island with 
the Harlem Globetrotters. 1 knew he'd 
relate to Bela Lugosi's ups and downs, 
and he did. I was thrilled when he won 
the Oscar, but Гуе never gone to the 
Academy Awards and can't even be 
around that stuff, I like to be working 
when that's going on. year I was in 
Hawaii, and although we finished shoot- 
ing the day before the Awards, I stayed 
there an extra day to miss them. Have 
you ever seen that cheesy movie from 
1966, The Oscar? Unfortunately it's pret- 
ty close to the truth as far as what the 
Academy Awards are about. There's this 
ird current of politics and maneuver- 
g that surrounds them. The whole 
thing feels like a high school populari- 
ty contest. Don't stand in line for hours 
10 talk to Joan Rivers, then pretend you 
don't want to talk to her once you get 
up there. 

PLAYBOY: That's one aspect of Hollywood 
that you don't like. How about doing. 
publicity—like this interview? 

BURTON: As far as promotion, I always 


question the value of doing press to help 
make a movie a success, because I really 
don't have anything to say. I'm basical- 
ly an idiot and 1 don't have any funny 
stories about the set, so what good am 
I? Sull, the studios make you feel like 
you're neglecting the movie if you don't 
do press. Generally I don't like reading 
about myself, and if | see my name in 
print or I see my picture 1 don't get any- 
thing out of it. I don't hold it against 
the studios that they "encourage" me to 
go out and promote the film, because 
they're just doing what studios do. Still, 
I've always found it odd that 1 ended up 
in this situation because I don't know 
what a hit movie is. Movies like Planet of 
the Apes are basically businesses, and they 
involve words like franchise and satura- 
tion that make my skin crawl. This one 
will be heavily merchandised, but that's 
not something I have any control over. 
They ask my opinion, of course, but 
sometimes I feel like the film gets in the 
way of the merchandising. There were 
people over in Taiwan making Planet of 
Ihe Apes swords before we'd even shot the 
thing, and the film is being aggressively 
presold. Personally, I don't want to know 
too much about a movie before I go sec 
it. When I went to see a movie as a kid 1 
would know a little about it beforehand, 
and I'd go enter a world that surprised 
me. These days you know how much it 
cost and it's been picked apart in the 
press before audiences have seen it. It 
takes the humanity, the magic and 
the surprise out of the experience, and 
that's sad. 
PLAYBOY: [s the relationship between 
businesspeople and artists, writers, ac- 
tors and directors an adversarial one? 
BURTON: At the end of the day, those re- 
lationships feel adversarial. With movies, 
businesspeople give artists a lot of mon- 
€y to make things, and that's something 
I've never taken lightly. However, the 
thing they don't understand is that at the 
end of it all, they're asking me and ev- 
eryone else on the film to put in incredi- 
bly long hours. We don't see our fami- 
lies, and regardless of how well everyone 
is being paid, we still need emotional 
support from the studio in order to do 
the job we're being paid to do. By the 
end of a lot of those meetings you feel 
bloodied, wounded and left for dead, 
and by the ште you actually get down to 
making the movie, you feel like you've 
had the shit beat out of you and need 
to spend a few months recovering in a 
hospital. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think businesspeople 
are threatened by creative types? 
BURTON: Yes, 1 believe there is a subcon- 
scious jealousy that pardy has to do with 
the fact that it’s a very American thing 
то assume everybody else has it better 
than you do. People in independent 
film think people who get to make studio 
films have it easier, and if vou work with 
(concluded on page 140) 


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LAND OF DEATH 


BY BARBET SCHROEDER 


COLOMBIANS LIVE IN A WORLD TOO VIOLENT 
FOR MOST AMERICANS TO COMPREHEND. IT 
IS A SURREAL, UNGOVERNABLE WORLD THAT 
DIRECTOR BARBET SCHROEDER DEPICTS IN 
THIS JOURNAL HE KEPT WHILE MAKING HIS FILM 
“OUR LADY OF THE ASSASSINS? IN MEDELLÍN 


lived from May to December 1999-in Medellín while we 
filmed Our Lady of the Assassins, which was shot in absolute se- 
crecy. The city of eternal spring, the city where the kindness 
and courtesy of another ume—that of my childhood in Bo- 
gotá—lives to this day. It's also a city obsessed with order and 
cleanliness, a city filled with energy and happiness. There is, of 
course, another facet to it that can be summed up in figures: 

* 5000 documented armed gangs, each having four to 200 
members. 

* 95 percent of crimes go unpunished—many more than in the 
Wild West when it was still a lawless land. 

* 15 deaths per day, 30 on weekends and holidays. 

Fverything is played out in the communes, poor neighborhoods 
created by “invasions.” Rudimentary brick buildings, magnificent 
views onto the rest of the city. The police enter the communes on- 
ly in cases of dire necessity, and then in droves. The paramilitary 
and the guerrillas dispute areas of influence by creating or taking 
control of certain gangs. 

I've collected here in chronological order some e-mails— snap 
shots—1 sent once or twice a week to Fernando Vallejo and sever- 
al friends while on location. (I’ve left out those e-mails that relate 


PAINTING BY FRED STONEHOUSE 


PLAYBOY 


70 


just to the filming and concentrated 
instead on what 1 saw around me in 
Medellín.) 


LITTLE JENNIFERS BIRTHDAY 


1 have just understood why children 
start sniffing glue: It staves off hunger. 
They end up doing it all day long and 
die within three to four years. There's 
a party in the streets of Barrio Triste 
for little Jennifer, who looks 12 years 
old because she snifts glue but is cele- 
brating her 15th birthday. It's a Colom- 
bian tradition to celebrate one's com- 
ing of age with a party and dances, 
particularly a waltz with 15 successive 
partners. Those there to dance with 
her: a little boy sniffing glue, a young 
professional killer, a policeman, a man 
who'd had both his arms cut off when 
he'd fallen asleep drunk on the rail- 
road tracks. Jennifer held on to the 
stumps, smiling absentmindedly. What 
a waltz! People gave her as a present 
а dress and a bag for her glue bottle 
made of the same cloth. 


HOLDUP 


Very first scouting. I'm filming with 
a small digital camera in Boston Park 
and at the house where Vallejo was 
born when I hear yelling behind me. 
Its my friend Eduardo screaming out 
а slew of insults: “motherfucker, gonor- 
thea,” etc. He runs and stops in the 
middle of the street, pretending to load 
his cellular phone as if it were a black 
gun. A young, well-dressed man had 
just stuck a 9mm semiautomatic pistol 
in Eduardo's stomach while grabbing 
Eduardo's cell phone out of his back 
pocket. Eduardo had ripped the phone 
out of his assailant's hands and was 
now pretending it was a gun! The 
young man takes a few steps toward 
me, people are starting to notice, he 
puts his right arm behind his back. 
He wants the camera. 1 finally see a 
chance to use my pepper spray. Hold- 
ing the camera, my arms outstretched, 
T tell him to come and get it. He thinks 
it over, turns around and leaves. The 
thing is, I didn't see the gun. He must 
have thought he was dealing with two 
lunatics, that it was too risky. He didn't 
depart empty-handed—he d still had 
enough time to steal our driver's gold 
chain while threatening her with the 
gun and telling her everything was go- 
ing to be all right. 


BOGOTA 


There's a new paranoia here about 
taxi drivers mugging you like in Mex- 
ico City, sometimes with the help of 
fake cops. Avoiding the situation by 
calling а cab over the phone has по! 
proved to be safe either; gangs inter- 
cept the radio messages and send one 


of their own taxis instead. But that's 
not the worst of it: Sometimes an ac- 
complice comes from out of the trunk, 
gun in hand, by swinging open a sec- 
tion of the backseat. 

Just driving along the Septima, one 
of the main avenues, has become a 
dangerous adventure. Last night, on 
a stretch of road less than half a mile 
long, 1 counted seven large open sew- 
ers whose lids had been stolen. They'd 
been left like that without any indica- 
tion—gaping open, waiting to destroy 
a car or kill a motorcyclist. 


FATHER'S DAY 


Today 1 met the mayor of Medellin 
He's worried about a new armed gang 
of FARC dissidents operating in the Pi- 
larica neighborhood and headed by a 
female doctor who is apparently out of 
control and bloodthirsty. Four police- 
men were seriously wounded last night 
by her gang. 

While we were in the mayor's office, 
he found out that a policeman had 
died. A little later another phone call: 
A commando of 17 members of the 
La Terraza gang (from the Manrique 
neighborhood) has burst into the San 
Jose Hospital to free a terrorist and a 
very dangerous assassin who had been 
injured and brought there from the 
high-security prison. 

Last Sunday, Father's Day, there were 
34 deaths. That same day the open- 
ing of the Poetry Festival drew a larg- 
er crowd than any soccer match in the 
city's history ever had. 

"The casting s going very well—in just 
a few weeks we have already found two 
possible boys. 


A DEAD MAN AT THE WHEEL 


Last night I went to eat patacón (fried 
bananas) at a fastfood place near the 
Exito. Leaving the house, I turned left. 
I stopped when 1 heard two gunshots 
and saw two well-dressed women run- 
ning crouched like soldiers in a war 
movie, except in high heels. Alter wait- 
ing a moment 1 walked toward Lau- 
reles Park to see what had happened: 
There was an old car in the middle of 
the street with a motionless driver, and 
passersby coming out of their hiding 
places to approach the vehicle. 

When I got back half an hour later, 
there was nothing left but a small pile 
of smashed glass from the windshield 
on the pavement, and I had the im- 
pression Га made it all up. 


ANOTHER CORPSE 


Last night before dinner, today be- 
fore lunch. At noon I was walking, like 
1 do every day, with my friend Eduardo 
10 go eat five minutes away from here. 
Yesterday he had gone to the morgue, 


and at a red light he recognized the 
driver and van that picks up bodies. 
Sure enough, not too far away there 
was a very young man on the ground 
surrounded by curious onlookers and 
policemen. 

When 1 get back less than hall an 
hour later, 1 again think it was all a 
dream: No trace of blood, and chil- 
dren are playing right where the body 
had been. 

An hour ago, an intense shoot-out 
and screaming in my street: Neighbors 
are firing at a bicycle thief. Without hit- 
ting him, I hope. 


THE VIOLENTOLOGIST 


1 got back from Bogotá a day earlier 
than planned and the Vallejo family 
had taken advantage of our absence 
to put up in our house a French violen- 
tologist who was reading a paper at 
the university. Eduardo sounded the 
alarm when he realized the violentolo- 
gist was a marked man who had re- 
ceived threatening letters from both 
the FARC and the paramilitary and 
that many of his Colombian disciples 
had been killed over the past few vears. 
He himself had asked not to be lodged 
with the other professors in another 
apartment. We unfortunately had to 
ask him to leave immediately. We are 
here for months, while he is here for 
only a couple of days. And we speak 
French, just as he does. That would be 
enough to get us killed. 


THE PRINCE 
A few days ago I was having a drink 
at the Cafe Lebon by Lleras Park in the 
Poblado. 1 was chatting with my friend 
Aleja, a philosophy student who man- 
ages the bar one night out of two. 
A 30-year-old guy, very expensively 
dressed, tall, skinny, mustache, a scar 
on his cheek, dark-skinned, starts talk- 
ing to me—he has a strong lower-class 
accent. He wanted to know where I was 
from and what I was doing in Medellín. 
J tried to cut our conversation as short 
as I could. He lefi to make a phone call 
(someone saw him). A few minutes lat- 
er two black Mercedes arrive with sev- 
en scary thugs who take their seats on 
the terrace. The first guy comes back to 
talk to me again. He tells me that he's 
going to France next week and that 
one of his friends here lives in France 
and would like to take me out for a 
drink. He calls himself the Prince. I 
refuse and go sit on the terrace with 
two women—triends of mine who were 
there. They are soon bothered by the 
insistent stares of these mafiosos 1 had 
my back turned to. We decide to go to 
the Cafe Berlin, right next door, in 
their car. From the bar, Aleja is horror- 
stricken as she watches the eight guys 
(continued on page 152) 


"Aud pick ир a pizza and an extra six-pack!” 


obsters don't get paid vacations or 401(k) plans, but one fringe 
ҮЙ. benefit of their jobs—at least on The Sopranos on HBO—is a 
congenial work environment. The members of North Jersey's pre- 
eminent mob family conduct their affairs from Club Bada Bing, 
where the amenities can be summed up in a simple phrase: All 
Nude All the Time. The club provides the perfect atmosphere when 
boss Tony has to confer with his executive staff or evaluate his cash 
position. The producers shoot Bing scenes at Satin Dolls in Lodi, 
New Jersey, where many of the lovely dancers have become celebri- 
ties from their exposure on the program. No wonder a watchword of 
the past season became “Don't Disrespect the Bing.” 


Above, appreciative television critics celebrate another outstanding 
performance from, left to right, Rosie Ciavolino, Justine Noelle, Marie 
Athanasiou and Electra. Top left, Rosie and Justine, and, top right, 
Luiza Liccini offer poor advertisements for the straight and narrow. 
Right, Luiza (left) and Kelly Madison Kole (right) dust Nadine Mar- 
celletti for fingerprints. Left, our, uh, heroes. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEN NISHINO 


Counterclockwise from top: Justine examines 
Rosie; a pensive Marie; Electra pretends to eat 
Rosie's money; Nadine naps. Below, 
Justine and Marie show Rosie 

how they do a rubout. 


Clockwise from top: Justine celebrates another Sopranos success by 
leading patrons in a rousing victory cheer; Luiza and Nadine discuss 
the RICO statutes; Justine and Rosie recall how Tony took care of 
stoolie Fabian Petrullo while taking Meadow to visit colleges; Kelly 
pats herself down. Below, Marie and Justine check Rosie for a wire. 


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Everyone likes a thin slice of prosciutto, but 
when we see the various charms of, dockwise 
from top left, Nadine, Marie, Kelly and Luiza, 
it's clear why so few Soprano family meetings 
are scheduled in the backroom of Satriale's 


f E pork store anymore. Opposite, top: 
nia Ortega sees that Kelly is obvious- 
ly packing heat. Below: Nadine and 
Luiza find themselves thinking about 
Big Pussy, may he rest in peace. 


"E 


FOR VIDEO AND MORE, GO TO CYBER PLAYBOYCOM. 


Dn dii m 


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| 


CLONING: 


jan] 


za 


sl 


grows into an exact genetic replica of the creature that supplied the DNA. 
—otoning-isttrat simple ane the source of extraordinary 


CAM NOI MAP DEA CLONING OF HUMAN BERS S OM 
at STD HUMAN CONE | 


o a geneticist, cloning is a beautifully-simple process, if-not com-— 
pletely understood: Deoxyribonucleic acid, the molecule in each cell that 

carties a being's (human er other) personal genetic inheritance, is combined 
with an egg cell stripped of its own DNA. When the process works, the resulting egg 


iry hopes, tears, controversy and, likely, 
one day, billions of dollars for people who are paying attention to the research that is quietly going on in 
laboratories in various parts of the world. Inevitably, rumors ricochet around the Internet and appear as 
headlines. One of the most intriguing is that one of a number of international teams of researchers and 
investors, working in secret laboratories, will soon announce the birth of the first human clone. 


PLAYBOY 


80 


Among animals, offspring have al- 
ready been cloned from mice, sheep, 
pigs. goats, cows and gaurs (an endan- 
gered Asian ox). A handful of biotech 
companies offer livestock ranchers the 
chance to clone their favorite milk 
cows. They also offer storage of a pet's 
tissue for future cloning. when, as 
seems certain, clones can be created for 
dogs, cats and other household com- 
panions. Extinct or endangered spe- 
cies, such as the gaur, are particularly 
appealing to some scientists. An Ari- 
zona geologist is defrosting the 20,000- 
year-old carcass of a woolly mammoth. 
He hopes to help clone the beast, 
known as the Jarkov Mammoth, if he 
can collect viable DNA. 

But the concept of human cloning 
has not been calmly accepted. Squab- 
bling persists among a witches’ brew of 
advocates, ferti experts, rule-happy 
politicians, distressed religious leaders 
and cautious mainstream scientists. A 
reasonable consensus or perspective 
is hard to find. President George W. 
Bush and various congressional lead- 
ers, for example, unconditionally op- 
pose human cloning as immoral and 
urge that it be banned in the U.S. Four 
states and al least 29 other countries al- 
ready prohibit the procedure. 

Meanwhile, the Food and Drug Ad- 
ministration, as well as most research- 
ers with experience in cloning animals, 
believe we don't yet know enough to 
safely clone a human being. But these 
scientists regard a ban with consider- 
able suspicion. As the controversy over 
ethical implications grows more heat- 
ed, many of these scientists are lying 
low. Some fear losing federal or private 
funding if they are publicly associated 
with cloning research 

Nevertheless, cloning advocates push 
ahead. Demand for human clones is al- 
ready significant, driven by an Internet 
underground of parents and would-be 
parents. Infertile couples may want to 
clone themselves—to keep the DNA in 
the family—instead of using sperm or 
eggs from donors. Some couples with 
a high risk of genetic disease want to 
clonea favorite relative or friend whose 
genetic foundation and even physical 
and mental characteristics they admire. 
A single parent could be exactly that — 
the sole parent. Some same-sex cou- 
ples want the chance to have children 
who carry no outside donor's genetic 
blueprints. Some lesbian activists have 
praised human cloning as а way to be 
rid of that last scrap of dependence 
on men. 

But the most emotional supporters 
are parents who want to clone a dead 
child. They don't want another child; 
they want the same beloved child they 
lost to disease or accident. Many speak 
of giving their dead offspring's excep- 


tional personality, intelligence or ath- 
letic promise another chance at life. 
Clonaid, a company founded by the 
Raélians, a Canadian UFO cult, claims 
that 200 couples or individuals have 
already agreed to pay as much as 
$200,000 to have tissue cloned. Panos 
Zavos, who heads two fertility centers 
in Kentucky, has said 700 couples are 
interested. Lee Silver, a molecular biol- 
ogist at Princeton, predicts that world- 
wide demand by parents who are will- 
ing to pay for cloning will override any 
government attempt to control repro- 
ductive technologies. 

As for cloning's future, Silver notes 
that "American-style marketplace eco- 
nomics and personal liberty seem to be 
on the rise around the world." And 
cloning, he says, will be seen by parents 
as another way to make a better baby. 
He thinks that, someday, sex will be 
solely recreational, and reproduction 
will occur in the doctor's office. After 
all, parents now routinely make choices 
about their unborn progeny with fer- 
ty doctors. The Genetics and IVF 
Institute, a fertility clinic їп Fairfax, 
Virginia, has offered parents gender 
selection of their kids since 1996. 

The drumbeat of news recalls 1978, 
when the first child was born from an 
egg and sperm that were combined 
outside a woman's body. Some of the 
loudest critics predicted these "test- 
tube babies," conceived in "cold steel 
and glass," would be "psychological 
monstrosities." More than two decades 
later the forecast seems bizarre. 

“We know what they turned out to 
be—children,” says Gregory Stock, di 
rector of UCLA's Program on Med 
cine, Technology and Society. Cloning, 
says Stock, is just another step in the 
quest to improve on the "genetic lot- 
tery" of conventional reproduction. He 
and others believe the issue isn't wheth- 
er humans should or should not be 
cloned. “To me," he says, “it’s not wheth- 
er it’s going to happen. It's whether 
people are going to be able to use 
And what access they will have to it.” 

"Genetic enhancement is just an ex- 
tension of what we do already," says Sil- 
ver. "Once societies get over the notion 
that genetic enhancement is playing 
God, some—like the European coun- 
tries—may offer it to all their citizens. 
They would consider this the fair thing 
то do." Otherwise, he fears, only the 
wealthy will have access to improved 
genes for their children. Over time. 
diflerent classes of people would devel- 
op. He has dubbed them GenRich and 
Natural. Over hundreds of years, the 
two could become so different that they 
would essentially be separate species. 

In Remaking Eden: Cloning and Beyond 
in а Brave New World, Silver sketch- 
ез out just what genetic enhancement 


could mean. Parents could give their 
kids the genes to fight off all known 
diseases, to be outstanding athletes, to 
excel in mathematics or business or to 
have the night vision of cats or the ol- 
factory sensitivity of dogs. As overpop- 
ulation turns earthlings' gaze toward 
other worlds, parents could give their 
babies the specialized physiques— 
"lung-modified, thick-skinned, dark- 
green” bodies, for instance—that could 
allow them to survive as colonists 
on Mars. 


HOW CLONING WORKS 


With good old-fashioned sexual in- 
tercourse, a man's sperm wriggles into 
a woman's womb and penetrates the 
egg, and the genes from both are com- 
bined. But not all couples can carry out 
the full maneuver. One in 10 in their 
prime child-bearing years has trouble 
conceiving children 

More than 200 years ago, a Scottish 
physician made the first true procre- 
ative advance—human artificial in- 
semination—by successfully depositing 
sperm from a man with a deformed pe- 
nis into his wife's reproductive system. 
The technique is now so easy that a 
woman can impregnate herself with a 
turkey baster. 

The next big breakthrough was thc 
birth of Louise Joy Brown, the first 
“test-tube” baby. The egg and sperm 
that created her were combined in a 
glass petri dish. Then the embryo was 
implanted in her mother's uterus. The 
joyous conception was dubbed in vitro 
fertilization, or IVF. In vitro fertiliza- 
tion not only permits couples to con- 


ceive when their reproductive plumb- 
ing doesn't work, it also allows them to 
use the sperm or eggs of a donor if. 
their own are defective. ТУЕ has be- 
come commonplace—and a thriving 


business for fertility specialists. By one 
estimate, at least a million otherwise in- 
fertile couples worldwide have used 
IVF to produce happy, healthy, if fairly 
expensive, children. 

IVF also makes cloning possible, be- 
cause cloned fertilization must occur in 
a lab. In February 1997, Dolly, a 
month-old white-faced Scottish lamb, 
was introduced to the public. Other 
animals had been cloned: even other 
sheep had been cloned. But these had 
been done as identical twins are 
formed in nature, at the very first stag- 
es of the embryo's growth. 

Dolly was the first mammal cloned 
from the cell of an adult animal —the 
popular conception of a clone. This 
meant that the distinct DNA of an adult 
human being could be intentionally 
duplicated in a new individual. You 
would know, more or less, what you 
were getting. The cells used to produce 

(continued on page 144) 


"I love walching newly wedded couples." 


FIVE SWEET SWINGS, FIVE SWEET SUITS. GAME ODER Jj 
E 


i 
Fashion By JOSEPH DE A 


ootball players will always look like football 

players. Basketball players can set trends 

for other six-foot-nine guys. But baseball 

players suit up well. Because designers 
are always thinking postseason, we asked some 
of the game's biggest bats to preview a few new 
fall classics. Dressing like Mr. October came easi- 
lyto these guys. Chipper Jones has made it to the 
playoffs six times, Kenny Lofton five times, Mike 
Piazza four times, Brady Anderson twice and Gary 
Sheffield once (he made the most of it, winning it 
all with the Marlins). These guys also have the 
chests and shoulders to fill out a suit. Stats: The 
biggest jacket was a 50L (Piazza); the largest 
waist was 36 inches (our secret). In other words, 
your modern player is cut—the baseball beer gut 
has gone the way of the Ted Kluszewski jersey. 
Sure, the modern player will dive headfirst into 
second and think nothing of it. But he also knows 
how to clean up. And these guys are sophisticat- 
ed. All of them are well versed in matters of style, 
whether they're talking about fine watches or de- 
signer labels. In fact, their personal tailors gave 
us so many measurernents, we thought we were 
looking at the backs of their trading cards. It's a 
new game out there. So for your next appearance 
atthe plate, try dressing like a heavy hitter. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAUIO ROSE 


Kenny Lofton 
Cleveland Indians 


Foot speed and bat speed 
moke Kenny Lofton one of the 
Al's sharpest leodoff hitters. 
Dressing well comes natural- 
ly, too. Here Kenny wears о 
three-button suit by Armoni 
Collezioni (courtesy of Saks 
Fifth Avenue in Tampa). The 
shirt ond tie ore by Giorgio 
Armani and the belt is by Tori- 
no. His watch is о Rolex Yacht- 
Moster. His ring is from Elif 
Fine Jewelry in Atlanta. 


оз a storm front ripp 
sleeves and lapels. It’s wi 
you'd expect from | 7 
thrives in the tempestuaus 
New York sports world. That's. 
а Torino belt and a Hickey- 
Freeman shirt and tie (fos- 
tened, as befits baseball roy- 
alty, with a Windsor knot). 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY DN PAGE 142. 


88 


“Everything with him is sex, sex, sex! It's nice to finally find a man with 
his priorities straight!" 


| most? VICTORIAzSI 


kind af forcple 


ing under my clothes. PLA 
ever watched yourself make love in a mirror 
or on videotape2 VICTORIA: Never on videotape, but in a 

mirror, yes. PLAYBOY: What is good oral sex? VICTORIA: When a man 
doesn't rush. A man has to know what he's doing. Oral sex is either great or awful. Гуе 
never had anything in between, nor һаме 1 ever had to tell a man what to do. PLAYBOY: Do you give as 
good:as you get? VICTORIA: Yes. His body language tells me if it's working. I can hear it in his breathing 
and tell by the way he moves his hips if he's enjoying himself. PLAYBOY: What's the most erotic sexual 
fantasy you haven't yet fulfilled? VICTORIA: Doing it with a complete stranger. Meeting a stranger, not 
saying anything and going into a broom closet, coming out and going our separate ways. 
PLAYBOY: Have you ever kissed another woman? VICTORIA: Yes. I was curious about be- 
ing with a woman. The girl 1 kissed was a beautiful model, and she made the first move. 

I was flattered. We were out at a club one night, and she talked about wanting to kiss 

me. I was so nervous. We went to the ladies' room, and she pulled me into the stall 

with her. She put her hands in my hair and started to French-kiss me. It was excit- 

ing, and it did lead to тоге. І enjoyed the moment, but it's not like lusting fora тап. | 


SEE MORE OF VICTORIA FULLER IN THE PLAYBOY CYBER CLUB AT CYBER.PLAYBOY.COM. 


fiction 


By John Biguenet 


' and slidin’ with 


slippi 
red—that would be crime 


enough for a married man 


he first room the motel shows 
him, the carpet is sticky with 
black grease 
What happened here? Roy 
asks the boy with the key 

The boy says, Bob thinks the last 
people in here, they rebuilt an 
engine 

On the second floor? 

Done it in one night, the boy 
shrugs. 

The man shakes his head. No way 
my wife will let the kids stay in here 

The boy seems relieved. You 
should have seen this place the next 
morning. First thing we thought was 
somebody killed somebody. And the 
bathroom. It's bad in there. Real bad 

Four hundred miles of glare off the 
hood of the car has creased the man’s 
eyes into throbbing slits. Got another 
room to show us? 

Let me call down. 

When the boy picks up the phone 
to dial the office, Roy sces a black 
thumbprint in the cradle of the re 
ceiver. Bob, this is me, Calvin. The 
man says the room won't do. You 
want me to show him another one? 

Even four feet away from the 
phone, Roy can hear Bob cursing 
the boy 

Well, 'cause of the oil all over 


COLLAGE BY WINSTON SMITH 


©. 
0 oe =, 


PLAYBOY 


92 


the place, 1 guess. The boy stands up 
straight. No, I never opened my mouth. 
He's the one saw it. I didn't say a 
word, I swear. The boy hangs up the 
phone like he's putting a snake back in 
its nest 

Well, Bob says we only got some- 
thing on the other side—over away 
from the pool. 

Roy figures it’s got to be 30, 40 miles 
to the next motel, at least to the next 
cheap one. And they've been driving 
nine hours already. 

When he gets back to the car, his 
youngest, Teri, is crying. Marilyn is tell- 
ing Dwayne and Shonna to stop tor- 
menting their sister. 

Roy starts the car. No good, he says. 
We gotta go around back. 

How bad could it be? Marilyn wants 
to know. It's right over the pool. 

It’s bad, he assures her as he backs 
out. Real bad 

The other room overlooks 1-30. The 
gritty heat gusts off the interstate as 
they stand in the doorwz 

Yeah, Roy tells the boy, much beter. 
Let Bob know we'll take it. He leans 
over the balcony and waves his fami- 
ly up. 

The kids have the TV screaming be- 
fore he gets the first suitcase up the 
stairs. By the time Roy walks in with 
the junk from the backseat, Dwayne al- 
ready has on his trunks, and both girls 
are in the bathroom changing. 

Want a soft drink? 

Marilyn looks at him like she's ready. 
for a fight. Yeah, she says suspiciously, 
something with caffeine. 

Die 

Why? I look like I need it? 

Roy knows better than to try to an- 
swer that one. He just checks if he has 
enough quarters. 

The kids are sitting on the edge of 
the bed in their swimming suits watch- 
ing cartoons when he gets back from 
the vending machine. Come on, Dad- 
dy, let's go. 

He doesn't ask Marilyn if she wants 
to come. He just goes into the bath- 
room and puts on his trunks. 

is like every other one 


ids, half of them crying, the 
other half making them cry. Some 
women are bunched around a table, 
shouting at the meanest boys when it 
gets out of hand. One or two of the 
women don't look so bad, one in par- 
ticular. Down at the deep end, a man in 
a recliner is having a beer. 

Roy pulls a chair up to the guy. Got a 
kid in there? he asks. nodding toward 
the shallows. 

Me? No way. The guy has long side- 
burns. His shirts unbuttoned, but he's 
wearing jeans and boots. 

Roy says, I got three of ‘em. Then 


he leans over. You get that beer some- 
where around here? 

The guy reaches down and draws up 
a rope tied to the leg of his recliner, a 
rope that snakes into the water. A six- 
pack pops over the edge of the pool 
and clatters along the blue concrete at 
the end of the wet line. The guy pulls 
two cans loose, then tosses the rest back 
into the pool like a stringer of fish 
threaded through the gills. One of the 
mothers, the pretty one, gives the men 
a look. Screw her, Roy thinks. Thanks, 
he tells the guy. 

They sip their beers for a while, not 
saying much of anything. 

Hot, huh? 

Yeah, the guy says, hot. 

Dwayne is holding his sisters under 
way too long, it seems to Roy. But be- 
fore he can get out of his chair, the 
same woman who gave him the look is 
up and shouting at Dwayne to let them 
go. The cowed boy retreats as the girls. 
coughing water, stagger to the stairs. 
The woman is waiting for them with a 
towel. Oh, shit, Roy thinks, standing in 
front of his chair. 

Behind him, he hears the guys 
voice. That your boy? 
Gotta go, he says. 

The guy laughs. Yeah, guess you 
better. 

Roy towers over Dwayne at the shal- 
low end. You get your little behind out 
of that water right now, you hear me? 
He tries to make as big a show of it as 
he can. You go sit in that chair, and 1 
don't want to see you move a muscle. 
Not a muscle. 

Dwayne is defiant. Aw, we was just 
playing. 

Now! Roy shouts, trying to get the 
woman's attention. 

Teri is still crying, and her nose is 
running. Shonna's OK. She just wants 
10 beat the crap out of her brother. But 
the woman has them both wrapped in 
a big towel and keeps patting them and 
cooing. She's even vounger up close. 

Roy kneels on one knee behind the 
girls, putting his arms around them. 
Thank you, ma'am. Dwayne can get a 
little rough sometimes. 

Rough? She's furious. He nearly 
drowned these two little angels. 

Yes, ma'am, it was good of you to 
step in the way you did. 

Maybe it's none of my business—he 
can see the tears welling up in her 
green eyes—but you ought to keep а 
closer watch on your children. It just 
takes a split second. 

Suddenly the woman is crying hard. 
and Roy understands. He couldn't ex- 
plain how he knows if you asked him, 
bur he knows just the same. This wom- 
an has lost a child. Somehow, some- 
where, she lost one of her babies. 

Ma'am, he says, ma'am, it's all right. 


You saved these two little angels. I can't 
thank you enough. 

He wishes he could touch her. But 
instead he tells his girls to give the lady 
a kiss. 

The woman squeezes them so tight, 
Shonna turns around and looks at her 
father. He lifts his hand to signal her to 
keep quiet. 

Then he picks up both girls in his 
arms, smiles and says, 1 bet these kids 
could use some dinner. The whole 
time, though. he's thinking, Jesus, this 
poor woman. 

When they get back to the room, Mar- 
йуп is taking a bath. Come on, Mom, 
we're hungry, they shout through the 
door. But it's more than an hour before 
they're squeezed into a booth at a bar- 
becue restaurant waiting for their spare- 
ribs and coleslaw. And it’s another two 
hours after that until they lie at last be- 
neath the shifting blue shadows cast by 
the television set, the kids in one bed 
slack-jawed and limp in exhausted 
sleep, Marilyn half awake beside Roy 
in the other. 

Come on, Roy whispers, slipping his 
hand over hers. 

Come on and what? she hi: 
ing not to wake anyone. 

You know, he insists. We haven't 
done nothing since we left home 

Marilyn's awake now. Are you crazy? 
With the kids in the next bed? She 
gives him a nasty little laugh. 

We can go in the bathroom, Roy 
pleads. 

You can go in the bathroom. I'm not 
breaking my back on that tile floor. 

It's linoleum, he tries hopelessly 

She doesn't even answer 

He knows it's useless. Then the tub— 
we'll bring some pillows. 

Get real. 

She turns onto her side, her back to 
him. He kisses her shoulder. 

Propped up on his elbow, he hovers 
over her. And turn off the TV, she whis- 
pers without opening her eyes. 

Sighing. Roy gets up to flick off the 
television and notices the alarm clock 
on the dresser. It says 9:50. 

Some fucking vacation, he thinks 
He sits in the chair by the window and 
puts on his pants and the shirt he wore 
to dinner. He car't find his socks in the 
dark, so he slips on his shoes without 
them. Checking his pocket for the keys, 
he slides the chain lock loose, clacks 
open the deadbolt and turns the knob. 
He holds breath to hear if every- 
one is still asleep, then gently shuts the 
door behind him as he steps onto the 
balcony. Lighting up a cigarette, he 
leans on the railing and watches the in- 
terstate. The traffic is still heavy, big 18- 
wheelers highballing to Dallas, tankers 
heading for Memphis and a hundred 

(continued on page 132) 


s, try- 


"No more sonnets, Will. This time write me a check." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


miss august 
likes being 
on the move 


KICKIN? IÍ 


Jennifer would love to stort her own lingerie lobel 
"For Hef's birthdoy, 1 got some fobric ond scanned 
© picture of him ond the PLAYBOY Rabbit Heod onto o 
poir of hotponts and o little top,” she soys. “I hod 
о toilor put it oll together ond everyone loved it." 


ENNIFER WALCOTT, who says she changes her address "at 
least once a year,” is a nomad by nature. Currently a res 
ident of Los Angeles, the 24-year-old Ohio native made 
her first cross-country jaunt five years ago. “I packed up 
my little purple convertible and no one believed I was 


leaving," she says. “It was a really great experience grow 
ing up in Youngstown, Ohio. But I always felt like there 
was more out there. People in Ohio tend to settle for a 
simple kind of life, and I knew I wasn't that kind of girl." 

August did “cotton-ball girl and craft service” work 


95 


96 


Ta 


a 
3 


оп movie and television sets before relocating to Chicago for eight months to 
be near her dying grandmother. “She was my best friend, and I told her if I 
ever got married, it would be a fight between her and my sister to be my maid 
of honor," she says. "1 felt I had to move back to the Midwest to be near her 
and to get grounded again." 

Jennifer studied to be a beautician before her compassion for animals com- 
pelled her to volunteer at a veterinary clinic in Los Angeles. “It was hard on 
те,” she says. "I would nurture squirrels back to health after they fell out of 
trees, and that was fine. But when I saw a cat with cancer on chemotherapy or 
abused animals, I couldn't deal with that.” She has two Chihuahuas of her 
own, one named Ren and another named Ace (*because he's from Las Vegas"). 

After a neighbor got her on the guest list for Mansion parties, Jennifer bust- 
ed out at Hef's Valentine's Day bash in an outfit impossible to ignore. “I was 
wearing a bikini top and a sarong, and I got off the tram and noticed that a lot 
cf people weren't wearing lingerie," she says. "1 felt humiliated and wanted to 
leave when some of them laughed at me, but I had a few cocktails and 1 was 
fine. Then Hef called me to his table and offered me my test shoot. 1 want to 
give 100 percent to PLAYBOY. Now, if a guy could give 100 percent to me, I'd be 
happy. I've had only five boyfriends my whole life and was never into casual 
dating. 1 like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side so he can come with 
me to get a manicure or his hair colored or something. It's nice to do things 
together—ivs like having a girlfriend and a boyfriend in one package!" 


A behind-the-scenes look at Jennifer Walcott's pictorial appears in the Playboy Cyber 
Club. Join at cyber;playboy.com. 


Jennifer learned korote for 
self-defense ond spends 
her free time doing yo- 
90, ot the forget ronge, 
moking pottery ond wo- 
ter-skiing. “I'm afraid of 
big fish,” she confesses. 
“1 get on the skis, slop the 
water ond shout, ‘Hurry! 
Hurry!’ ta the boot driver 
becouse I'm ofraid some- 
thing is going to get me!” 


100 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


len tap уллы — 55 


pust: RO, wars. XQ ares BD 
122 
mon 5 3^ won 209 | 


BIRT pare: OS/OF/ 777 BIRTHPLACE: Youngs io 
t a " . 
ausitions: T a. Motivated Person in life amd _ 


Быз г CEAR 
Amen who has some style And a. Sense 


TURN-ONS: ° 


ор humor And whe Knows how +o Vus. life. 


= ee 
FAVORITE BOOK: cus OF War Bu es 


FAVORITE QUOTE: 


point, Here would be no dence amd _ 


" 


j ] 
FIVE CDS I CAN'T LIVE wmo: аме. Matthews Bands 


CERTE à E rockin! with 
grades — High Sheol my ait x Hef's P B-day 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


Why is the space between a woman's breasts 
and her hips called a waist? 

Because another pair of tits could casily fit 
there. 


P лувоу ctassic: A woman was shopping in 
a supermarket when she noticed a muscular 
young man bagging groceries. She went into 
his checkout line and asked him to help her 
carry out the bags. When they left the store, 
she whispered, “I have an itchy pussy." 

He replied, “You'll have to point it out, lady. 
All those Japanese cars look alike to me.” 


The only cow in a small Polish town stopped 
producing milk. The townspeople could buy 
either a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles or 
one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. They bought 
the cow from Minsk. She produced a lot of 
milk, so they decided to mate her with a bull. 
But whenever the bull came close to the cow, 
she moved away. After a few wecks, the people 
decided to ask their rabbi, who was wise in all 
matters, what to do. The rabbi nodded when 
he heard that the cow kept rebufling the bull’ 


s 
advances. *Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" 


The people were dumbfounded, since they 
had never mentioned the cow's origins. "How 
did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" 
one asked. 

‘The rabbi replied, “My wife is from Minsk." 


Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and George W. 
Bush were all captured in Iraq and sentenced 
to death by firing squad. Colin Powell was told 
to stand in front of the wall. Just before the fir- 
ing squad was given the order to shoot, he 
yelled, "Earthquake!" 

The squad took cover and Powell escaped 
over the wall. Dick Cheney took his turn and 
as the squad took aim, he yelled, “Tornado!” 

The squad panicked and Cheney jumped 
over the wall. Then it was Gcorge W. Bush's 
turn. As the firing squad pointed their rifles at 
him, he considered how his colleagues had es- 
caped and yelled, “Fire!” 


This MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Rus- 
sell Crowe and the Pope died on the same day. 
Due to a computer glitch, the Pope was sent 
to hell and Russell Crowe was sent to heav- 
en. Within 24 hours, an angel noticed the er- 
ror. On his way to heaven, the Pontiff passed 
by the handsome actor. The Pope said, "I'm so 
‘ve always wanted to meet 


Crowe said, “Sorry, pops. You're a day late." 


А woman visited her doctor for her annual 
exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your 
husband sexually аст 
"Yes," the woman said. "We have verbal sex 

every day.” 

“Verbal sex? 1 think you mean oral sex,” the 
doctor said. 

“I mean verbal sex,” the woman said. " 
morning my husband and I pass each other in 
the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!" 


BLONDE JORE or THE MONTH: A blonde and a 
brunette were walkir a flower sh 
ide, the brunette's boyfriend was 
ers. The brunette sighed and said, “My damn 
boyfriend is buying me flowers ара 
"The blonde said, "But don't you 
flowers?" 
The brunette said, “Oh, sure. 1 just don't 
feel like spending the next three days on my 
ack with my legs in the air." 
The blonde asked, "Don't you have a vase?” 


e getting 


Two cowboys were standing on the edge of a 
canyon, listening to the sound of war drums. 
“I don't like the sound of those drums," one 
cowboy said to the other. 

An Indian voice called across the canyon, 
"He's not our usual drummer." 


Two women were talking about their daugh 
ters’ success in the big city. “My daughter 
in a penthouse apartment in New York City, 
one mother said. “She has furs and jewels, and 
goes out to fancy restaurants every night." 

The other mother replied, “Yeah, my daugh- 
ter's a slut, 100.7 


> Уу УУУУ, 


Ag guy met a woman at a bar. Later, they 
to her apartment. Within minutes оГ 
he took off her dre s 
and they began ma 
noticed, with some satisfaction, that with ev- 
ery thrust, her toes curled up. Just as he was 
congratulating himself on his prowess, she 
stopped him. "What's wrong? I thought you 
were enjoying yoursell,” he 
"I'd enjoy it more,” she said, 
my pantyhose." 


, "if you took off 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannol be returned. 


> 


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BH SR ER 


Jet hter 


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his lightning- 


fast moves have 
thrilled a cult 
audience for 
years. now 

jet li kicks 


into the big time 


n back into mass“ 
¿fu plats—hos, breathed Ме and romance = 
N oes ура (эЧ soys: This is the yeor of es et movies and braucht ta American audiences а 
е Dragon. The Chinese have American moviegoe De rent , - e 
wrapped around their nunchakus, and this year's Oscar ae What fundamentally ENS wishes en ee MES 
were their flying kick to Hollywood's ald guard. When if comes Instead of industrial ig оп 
to blockbusters, the nimble guys with fists of fury beat all comers. blood, sweat and skills. To 
China, of all places—a country ossccialed withiatlishe repres- гез stars must тазе double 
sion, badly dubbed pseudophilosophical dialogue and dumb 1 


Mad for 


= england famous ВИЙ car 


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ingo Starr, Twiggy and Princess Margaret owned Mini Coopers. Mary Quant named the miniskirt after the car. In The 
Italian Job, Michael Caine and a team of stunt drivers tore up the streets and flew over the rooftops of Turin in a trio 
ofred, white and blue models. More than 5.4 million Minis have been sold since 1959. Now BMW, which acquired the 
lini brand several years ago, will bring a restyled version back to the States early in 2002. (Previous imports stopped in 
1967.) The new Mini Cooper pictured here packs a 115 hp, 1.6-liter four-cylinder engine jointly developed with Chrysler. 
But while the new Mini Cooper is technically a German car, it will be built in Oxford, England, and —guess what?— 
> ifs designer, Frank Stephenson, is an American. The first Minis were known for their (text concluded on page 112) 


The М 


із once again running wild 
ETIT 


$ S d чу 

Above: Who let the new Mini Cooper out? BMW. Сш а fashion and'a performance Ж ir pre 
cessor did? We're betting yes. With its low roof (the г i;pillors, modern lights;and: vestigial grille, every- - 
one on the street recognized our prototype version as izing up his creation, 

Stephenson says it's 18 inches longer and 14 inches wider thal 
imal. (With its twin backseots folded down you con tote a surpri: mount of luggage.) Base price is $17,000, but if you want. 
to make like Stirling Moss (who once owned o Mini Cooper), a 163 hp version will also be avoilable early/next year, for abaut 
$20,000. The original, equipped with studded tires, was o Berehniel winner of the.Monte Carlo Rally. 


112 


maneuverability, and in keep- 
ing with that tradition the new 
version boasts BMW-developed 
multilink rear suspension and 
powerful disc brakes. ABS is stan- 
dard, as are 15-inch wheels. (Al- 
loy 16-inch and 17-inch wheels 
are optional.) Traction control 
and high-power xenon headlights and automatic transmis- 
sion are also available. (Five-speed manual trans is stan- 
dard.) Despite its diminutive size (117107 x 63"), the car is 
crash resistant and features door beams, six air bags and 
BMW's Advanced Head Protection system for front and 
rear. The Mini will hit 60 mph in just under nine seconds 


The Mini Cooper's interior is a contem- 
porary version of the originol's. From the 
easy-to-reod center-position speedome- 
ter and steering column-mounted tach 
to the fat steering wheel, stubby shifter 
and leather bucket seats, there’s on im- 
plicit message: This car is a blast to drive. 


and has a top speed of about mph. Base price is $17,000. 
A Mini Cooper S version with 163 horses, hood scoop and 
other exterior changes will also be available, priced around 
$20,000. Only select BMW dealers will offer either model. 
Check around. —KEN GROSS 


OTHER ROADS. OTHER WHEELS 

Jeep Liberty: So long, Cherokee. A 210 hp V6, indepen- 
dent front suspension, automatic and four-wheel-drive 
make the new Liberty Limited model a serious rock crawler. 
It's $22,700 before options. The Sport, Jeep's base Liber 
ty model with rear-wheel-drive, a four banger and manual 
trans, is $16.450 

Isuzu Axiom: For about $30.000 you get Mars Rover 


styling, a 230 hp twin-cam V6 and a snazzy interior. On the 
highway, you get a jittery, two-Excedrin ride KG 


PARKED IN DAVE'S GARAGE 


Lexus 0: What's not to like ina V8 coupe that at the 
push ofa button transforms itself into a convertible as fast as 
you can say “Toad lives”? The styling, amenities (including a 
climate control system that automatically adjusts to roadster 
mode or coupe) and acceleration (zero to 60 in six seconds) 
are all over the top. So is the price—about $60,000. 

Hyundai Sante Fe 4WD GLS: This little six-cylinder SUV 
is a good value at $22,000, including antilock brakes, trac- 
Чоп control and roof rack rails. Compare it with whatever a 
similarly equipped Liberty Limited goes for. 


Ford Focus SE Wagon: A crafty, four-cylinder alternative 
toa pint-size SUV. For about $18,000 you get taut steering, 
automatic transmission, antilock brakes and side-impact air 
bags. Drive it cross-town, not cross-country. 

Volvo V70 XC AWD Wagon: This surefooted Swede is 
rock solid, but $40.000 is too much to pay for a car with ter 
minal turbo lag. Audi, BMW and M-B wagons in this price 
range are more tempting. 

Subaru Legacy Outback 3.0 AWD Wagon: А $32,000 
Subie? Yep. with a peppy six-cylinder engine and an inte 
rior that’s more English men's club than Aussie alligator 
hauler. Buttons on the McIntosh audio system are too fussy 
for our taste and we found the bark of the remote-activated 
lock/unlock horn annoying 


— DAVID STEVENS 


“One last question. Would you be somewhat in 
favor of, seriously in favor of, or strongly in favor of us getting 
better acquainted?” 


113 


114 


Lifer а, Ditch 
AND $0 IS DATING 


A GUY CAN GET JERKED AROUND 
WHEN HE FALLS FOR A GORGEOUS 
WOMAN. AND SO CAN A GIRL 


) PE 
ß y Katie moran 
c 


T HE FIRST WORDS out of Jacki's mouth were, “I know 

I am the biggest bitch and you have every right 
never to speak to me again.” She then began 
apologizing profusely for not returning my calls. She 
launched into a story about how she had been fighting 
with her boyfriend the whole weekend. Obviously the 
breakup process was not going well. At least not for me. It 
was clear that my Thursday night make-out session with 
her hadn't meant much. 

1 listened to her complain about him for an hour. I 
gave her the benefit of the doubt and my forgiveness. She 
asked me to drive her to the airport in a few days—she 
was going home for Christmas. Being a complete sucker, 
I said yes. I wanted to scc her, and I knew she was going 
through a tough breakup. I appreciated her honesty, 
though I would have preferred she had kept it to herself. 
Talk about excess baggage. 1 never realized how much 
garbage women bring into a new relationship. Feels 
like you're dating them, their bad habits, their exes and 
every tiny thing that happens to them each day. My first 
real experience of falling in love with a woman was not 
going well at all 


This story is dedicated to all the men out there who 
have been hurt by a woman. OK, virtually every guy in 
the world has been hurt by a woman, some to the point of 
devastation. On behalf of the fairer sex, 1 would like to 
apologize to all of you. 1 learned firsthand what you guys 
go through, and I am truly sorry. 

Lam a 24-year-old woman. I live in Los Angeles. I con- 
sider myself to be fun, cool and, (continued on page 138) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA 


ӘР. 
Ome гаг”, 


=—ASY 
EME A 


Jon Bon Jovi 


PLAYBOY'S: 


200 


the jersey rocker sings out on diners, bar bands 
and the folks who toil in waste management 


on Bon Jovi has been there and done 

that. Sure, fans last year could log 

on to the web and watch Bon Jovi. the 
band, recording its new album in real time. 
But the man himself fondly recalls when 
high technology meant reel-to-reel tape re- 
corders: "You'd press RECORD and that was 
it. Then you'd go to a studio and work it out. 
Nowadays kids are computer literate, and 
they re able to produce more out of their bed- 
rooms than we could produce in the garage.” 

Bon Jovi and Bon Jovi have done well 
since the days of their garage rehearsals 
They had bar and club gigs, and world tours 
followed. The group has sold more than 80 
million albums since its 1986 debut. 

Bon Jovi became a major industry—and 
U.S. exporter—the old-fashioned way: The 
group wrote dozens of songs and played up 
to 250 concert dates each year. 

Jon makes no apologies for the clothes or 
for his signature “hair band” mane of the 
Eighties. Why should he? He's the son of a 
U.S. Marine and а hairdresser, who was al- 
so a Marine. And he had the good fortune to 
be born in the small state that produces more 
than its share of chemicals, pharmaceuticals 
and rock-and-rollers: New Jersey. 

One theory is that Bon Jow's long run 
owes something to the fact that the band’s 
members go their separate ways for a few 
years and then reunite with a slightly new 
take on thetr brand of blue-collar rock and 
roll. Or on their sartorial style. 

Jon Bon Jovi has used his sabbaticals to 
study acting. He tested the waters, to good 
notices, in independent films. Recently he's 
had what he terms “modest parts” in features 
such as U-571 and Pay It Forward. 

Shortly before a recent tour, Contributing 
Editor Warren Kalbacker met the rocker at 
his Manhattan pied-a-terre—with ils great 
view of New Jersey. "No Kurt Cobain-style 
angst for Bon Jovi,” Kalbacker reports. “Не 
genuinely delights in his family and the 
fruits of rock stardom, from his Robert A.M. 
Stern-designed New Jersey mansion to ap 
pearing on the Leno-Letterman circuit. He 
claims no special secret to his stamina, but T 
can't help wondering if the strong black cof- 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY OLAF HEINE 


fee he serues—he breus one cup at a time— 
doesn't have something to do with it.” 


1 


PLAYBOY: Was getting into the music 
business all about rock and roll or most- 
ly about chicks? 

BON Jovi: It was obviously about the 
chicks. was too small to play football 
and I went to an all-boys Catholic high 
school. It was the beginning of my soph- 
omore year and I had really started 
10 take music seriously. One of the re- 
ligious brothers—they weren't priests 
pulled me aside and said, “You're fail- 
ing in practically everything and I 
think this guitar thing should become a 
hobby." I looked at this man. I'd just 
discovered women and 1 thought, This 
is the wrong place for me. The biggest 
thing on a Friday night would be to go 
to the girls’ high school. All the girls 
would be on one side and all the guys 
would be on the other and you'd be 
making your move. Eventually I start- 
ed to play those dances. Then you're 
bigger than life because everybody in 
the room is looking at you. Playing my 
ovn high school dance was even cooler 
than being quarterback. I was a rock 
star. I was 15. I'd made it 


2 


PLAYBOY: You hail from Sayreville, New 
Jersey. That region of the state is some- 
times referred to as Jersey's “chemical 
coast" because of the large number of 
relineries. Is there something in the 
water that helps produce rock-and- 
rollers? 

BON JOVI: Sayreville was an industrial- 
ized city. It was a great upbringing. It 
was safe. It was very picket fence. It was 
ethnic, and it was a melting pot for mu- 
sic. You got to taste it right from high 
school and you knew how diverse it was 
going to be. There was the huge R&B 
influence of the horns. Bruce Spring- 
steen and Southside Johnny were mak 


ing records. How could you not see 
that the Asbury Jukes were one of the 
great live bands? Asbury Park was mag- 
ical because you could perform your 
original material at a time when cover 
bands were so successful. You'd make 
$100 for the whole band, but you got to 
do your own thing. Another neat thing 
about the Asbury scene at that time was 
that John or Bruce would come in and 
play with anybody and everybody. Гус 
got pictures of me playing with Bruce 
when I was 16 years old. That was be- 
fore distinctly different styles of music 
developed according to where you 
were from and who you rooted for. We 
up-and-comers borrowed each other's 
amps. You'd plug in someone else's 
Strat. You would buy each other beer. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Describe the benefits of fetch- 
ing coffee and cigarettes for the stars at 
New York's Power Station Studios. 

BON JOvi: David Bowie told me to get 
him a Heineken. For $50 a week, 1 was 
allowed to be a gofer. I'd run errands 
with the hope that in the middle of the 
night I would get to record. A dream 
opportunity would have been to watch 
other people do it. In all honesty 
wasn't even in the system—I was a go- 
fer. 1 remember getting yelled at by Di- 
ana Ross. 1 was sent to deliver some- 
thing to her and the sign said DO xor 
ENTER, and of course I did. I laughed 
when 1 walked out. That whole Miss 
Ross thing. Yeah, right. Here's my Roll 
ing Stones story: I was getting out of a 
cab and paying with quarters and nick- 
els and dimes. And this car pulled up 
behind the cab. Ron Galella, the pa- 
parazzi guy, jumped out of a Dump- 
ster. He wanted to take pictures of 
the Stones. He's yelling, "Mick! Mick! 
Mick!" And Mick grabbed a couple of 
us and said, “This is my new band, the 
Frogs,” and he took some pictures with 
us. He held the door for us, and we all 
walked into — (continued on page 141) 


117 


\ y one more wee 
' ` battleground in 
the war between 
E | the sexes 

| ORL | As an adolescent I often masturbated in the bathroom 
Y 4 with the aid of female fantasies, so it was quite logical that a great 
А many of my dreams would include a coed bathroom as a locale. During the 
punk era, there were nightclubs that featured unisex bathrooms. And then the all-pur- 
pose bathroom in “Ally McBeal” empowered my original dreams to make their way into main- 
stream awareness. That's why I love the latest bizarre rumor to come out of Sweden. According to an ar- 
ticle by Jasper Gerard in “The Spectator,” young Swedish women are demanding that men use the lavatory in a 
strictly sedentary posture—that is, sitting down—not only for hygienic reasons, but also “because a man standing up to 
urinate is deemed to be triumphing in his masculinity and, by extension, degrading women. To micturate from the standing 
position is now viewed—among the more progressive Swedes—as the height of vulgarity and possibly suggestive of vio- 
lence. Among the young, leftish intelligentsia there is also a view that to stand is a nasty macho ges- 
ture." At Stockholm University, one feminist group hates urinals on 
AU; y the grounds that their basic construction is antiwoman. That 
group is not alone—a Swedish primary school has al- 


S: ready eliminated the evil urinal before young male 
ч minds can he tainted. “It has long been one of 


the more imaginative examples of feminist 
paranoia," Gerard states, “that men en- 
gage in unacceptable, antiwomen prac- 
tices while standing at the urinal.” But 

of course! Is there a man among us 

who doesn’t use the restroom as a 

place to conspire with his fellow men? 
Isn't standing at a urinal the most 

logical place to strike up a friendly 
conversation? Isn't that why men 
frequently visit the men's room en 

masse, just like women? What the an- 

i ti-urinal forces in Sweden lack in ac- 
tual knowledge of male bathroom 
behavior (i.e., men look straight 
ahead, never glancing left or 

, right, and never speak, even if 
spoken to) they make up for in 
imagination (men chatting it up 

while aiming for the deodorant cake, 
plotting elaborate conspiracies that 
women never Know about). “No, the an- 
swer is more subtle, according to a non- 
squatting Englishman," says Gerard. “It is 
not so much a function of female suspicion 
as of women's desire for absolute equality. 
Voting, fighting, learning and indeed yearning 
were all pastimes once denied women. So to 
achieve absolute equality, the Swedish sisters have 
men of their remaining dignity and plunked 
themonthe (concluded on page 151) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY SCOTT ANDERSON 


"Some ше keep, some we throw away." 


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119 


C 


amcorders might be the sleekest technology available. An in- 
creasing number of filmmakers use digital camcorders to shoot 
their films. We know the backstory of the camcorder in Blair Witch 
Project. But established filmmakers are adopting digital video 
technology as well. Spike Lee used nearly a dozen different Mini 
Digital Video camcorders to film Bamboozled. So maybe all that 
separates you from Spike is about $1000. 

The best news about camcorders is that the format wars are 
Over and MiniDV is the victor. The image produced on MiniDV is as 
crisp as that on a DVD—and twice as good as on VHS. Plus, the 
other camcorder formats are analog. That means each time you 
drag your 8mm or VHS-C footage through a copying or editing 
process, picture clarity and color depth are degraded in the trans- 
lation. But not a pixel is lost when DV is digitally edited on a PC 
and laid back onto digital tape. Even if you eventually dub your 
edited DV production to VHS, you'll still end up with a better-look- 
ing production because your original images were immaculate. 

These days even the most basic DV camcorder has more fea- 
tures than many analog camcorders offer. Standard DV models 
include a two-inch to four-inch (text concluded on page 122) 


[HE DUEL 


DVD-RAM camcorders from Panasonic and Hitachi record 
on three-inch, 2.8 GB DVD-RAM discs that offer high-qual- 
ity resolution and easy navigation—no rewinding or fast- 
forwarding. Far left: Panasonic's VDR-M10 12x optical/48x 
digital zoom gets in close, and the Playlist function pro- 
vides an index for easy editing ($2500). Left: There are 
three ways to watch what you've recorded on Hitachi's DZ- 
MV100A (below): Connect it to your TV, download your 
footage to a PC or flip open the 3.5-inch LCD screen 
($2000). Pistol grips aren't included with either camera. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 162. 


A 


color LCD screen, still photo capability 
and 200x-plus zoom. To clean up your 
project, DV camcorders come equipped 
with electronic, digital or optical image 
Stabilization and preprogrammed modes 
and effects (such as black-and-white, 
wide-screen and night vision). Most im- 
portant, these cameras include FireWire 
or i.Link, connections that allow you to 
control the camcorder while it is linked 
to your PC during editing. 


60 SMALL 


Опе of the things that makes 
MiniDV camcorders so cool is 
their size. Most are smaller 
and lighter than their analog | 
predecessors. = 


($1700) 
comes ina 
rectangular 
case the size 
of a pair of 
Palm Pilots, 
and weighs 
12 ounces. 
It's a high-res- 
olution image sensor that 
produces what JVC calls 
“high hand" digital video 
as well as digital stil 
ages. The DVP3U's 
nards contain definitive | 
computer-based audiovi- ^ 
sual technology: MP3 au- 


digital zoom lens. The more you zoom in 

on a subject, the better the subject's audio 

sounds. The VL-WD650U's other features 

include a three-inch LCD screen, a night 

vision mode and an 8 MB Smart Media 
card that holds about 65 images. 


PROGRESSIVE REFORM 
Д if you want something more 
professional—and you're willing 
to spend $2000 plus—there are a 
variety of models with high-quality 
image sensors (called three-CCD 
or progressive scan). Sony's DCR- 
VX2000 offers broadcast-quality 
images and progressive-scan re- 
cording to produce 530 lines of 
horizontal resolution. It also cap- 
tures still pictures and MPEG vid- 
| eos, Stored on tape or on the Sony 


Above: Canon packed a 2.5-inch LCD screen and 
10x optical/200x digital zoom into its tiny, 19- 
ounce ZR30 MC ($1000). Left, top to bottom: Sony's 
DCR-VX2000 offers optical picture stabilization to 
reduce shaky camera work ($3200). Sharp's VL- 
WD650U (middle) uses a zoom mike to capture a 
subject's audio (about $1050). Below that is JVC's 
GR-DVP3U, which records high-quality footage 


dio eifects and the ability 
to record Internet-friend- 
ly MPEG4 video, which 
can be attached to e- 
mails. You can load MP3 
files and the MPEG4 vid- 
eo, as well as digital 
stills, via the DVP3U's 


USB port and 8 MB SD 
flash memory card. 

If you're simply looking for something 
to use on summer vacation, there are 
MiniDV models for less than $1000 that 
don't skimp on features. One of the best is 
the Canon ZR30 MC ($1000). This small, 
19-ounce camera has all the standard 
equipment—a 2.5-inch LCD, electronic 
image stabilization, 10x optical and 200x 
digital zoom and an 8 MB MultiMediaCard 
that can store approximately 60 images. 

What good is zooming in on a subject 
across the room if you can't hear what 
she's saying? The Sharp VL-WD650U 
(about $1050) helps eliminate the prob- 
lem with a zoom microphone that acts 
in conjunction with the 26x optical/780x 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE CEORGIOU 


with 520 lines of horizontal resolution ($1700). 


Memory Stick flash memory card (includ- 
ed). Material is downloadable through a 
USB port. 


THE NEXT GENERATION 

As DVD players populate living rooms, 
it's logical that the next wave of cam- 
corders be DVD-based. To date, there are 
two: the Hitachi DZ-MV100A ($2000) and 
the Panasonic VDR-M10 ($2500). Both 
use a dual-sided three-inch/2.8 GB DVD- 
RAM disc that can store up to two hours of 
digital video. To play the discs you'll need 
either a DVD-RAM-equipped PC or Pana- 
sonic's DMR-E10 ($4000), the only non— 
PC based DVD-RAM recording deck. 


“Гое койа say, Mx. Oberholtzer, this has been the most moving experience of my life!” 123 


and the 


od Bless the Go-Go's, fea- 
G turing the hit song Unfor- 

given (co-written by Billie 
Joe Armstrong of Green Day), is the 
first clbum in 17 years from this re- 
silient rock band. Still keeping the 
beat for this tour are (pictured left, 
left to right) guitarist Charlotte Caf- 
fey, singer Belinda Carlisle, bassist 
Kathy Valentine, drummer Gina 
Schock and guitarist Jane Wiedlin. 


Beauty 


belinda carlisle 
is a go-go 
who keeps 


on going 


Beat 


E. about the Australian outback 
and Jeff Probst: Belinda Carlisle is the 
original survivor. “I keep bouncing back 
from things,” she says. “After the drugs 
and the ebb and tide of success in my 
life, I've had nine lives already." This 
cool cat's story, and one of the defining 
grrl-power moments, began more than 
20 years ago in Los Angeles when Belin- 
da and pal Jane Wiedlin formed an all- 
girl band called the Go-Go's. Inspired by 
the do-it-yourself attitude of Blondie and 
the Sex Pistols, the Go-Go's debuted in 
1978 ata Hollywood punk club. In those 
days Belinda sported a green do and 
dressed in garbage bags, belting out raw 
versions of future hits. Their first album, 
Beauty and the Beat, fueled by the early 
Eighties anthems We Cot the Beat and 
Our Lips Are Sealed, is a classic of the all- 
female rock canon. Two more albums 
with hit singles, Vacation and Head Over 
Heels, followed, but squabbles over roy- 
alties and various substance-abuse prob- 
lems drove the girls apart in 1985. “1 
think women have a harder time getting 
along in a group than men do,” Belinda 
says. “Maybe that’s a sexist thing to say, 
but emotions can run more intensely 
with a group of girls.” 

Belinda enjoyed success as a solo art- 
ist, releasing six albums that included 
hits like Mad About You, Heaven Is a Place 
on Earth and Circle in the Sand. But the 
shots she took from the media for her 
weight fluctuations took their toll over 
the years and, ultimately, inspired the 
42-year-old to pose for PLAYBOY. “It 
wasn't until the Go-Go's that my name 
was synonymous with plump, cute and 
chubby," she says. “One of the things I 
thought was appealing about the Go-Go's 
was that we weren't models—we were 
normal girls doing it on our own terms, 


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says Belinda. “I didn't want to be disrespecttul of any nation's heritage 

or religion. Thailond is a sexy country, and | have been there quite a few 
times. | wonted to do something in keeping with the spirit of the Fifties pin-up, like 
a Vargas or a Bunny Yeager vibe. We combined that with a Madame Butterfly feel, 
because | wanted to do this as some kind of character.” 


W e all put our heads together to find an exotic location for this shoot,” 


and women loved that. Critics would 
say things like, "Oh, she's been hitüng 
too many deli trays,' or ‘I wonder what 
drug she is doing to get thin.’ I still 
find the whole thing completely offen- 
sive and believe this fed into my drug 
addiction. It wasn't until I moved to 
Europe and had my baby that this 
weight obsession left." Belinda lives 
in the south of France with her nine- 
year-old son, Duke, and her husband, 
Morgan Mason. “I was born and 
raised in California, but I don't want 
to grow old or raise my child there,” 
she says. “The 1994 Northridge quake 
happened on Monday and we left that 
Friday." Earth shakes notwithstand- 
ing, Belinda says that she craves ad- 
venture, which currently includes get- 
ting her French residency, perfecting 
her French and completing her next 
solo album. 

Although the Go-Go’s reunited 
three times in the Nineties for tours, 
the girls didn’t release a new album 
until this year’s God Bless the Go-Go’s. 
It features the single Unforgiven, 
a poignant autobiographical ballad 
called Daisy Chain and an anthem for 
full-figured women called Throw Me 
a Curve. The new disc is their most 
compelling work since Beauty and the 
Beat. Inspired by a slew of young fans 
catching New Wave's second tide, the 
Go-Go’s will tour all summer. “I think 
we all look at it as closure,” Belinda 
says. “We have separate lives and oth- 
er interests, so it is more difficult for 
us to get together. We feel like we 
made a really good record, so every- 
thing else is gravy.” The singer has 
come to terms with being labeled al- 
ternative with the Go-Go's. “I’ve been 
a Top 40 artist a long time and all of 
a sudden I'm something else, so I 
am sort of confused as to what I am. 
But that’s fine—1 like being confused. 
Go to a Go-Go's show and you'll see 
people in their 50s, people with Mo- 
hawks and eight-year-olds—a wide 
range. It goes way beyond any specif- 
ic demographic." 

Belinda says she has only one re- 
gret—an old homemade movie filmed 
backstage that now pops up online. 
“There is no sex in it at all—just a 
bunch of stupid coke ramblings, and 
it is boring," she says. “I regret that 
evening because a lot of people were 
hurt by that video. But I don't regret 
anything else in my life because even 
the negative things, as hideous as they 
were, were really important to go 
through. They made me what I am to- 
day, and I'm totally happy and com- 
fortable with myself.” 


STYLING BY CHRIS BAKER 
HAIR BY KEN PAVES FOR PROFILE 
MAKEUP BY LUTZ WESSERMAN FOR aRT miX (the agency) 


PLAYBOY 


132 


motel 
(continued from page 92) 


little cars flashing between the trucks like 
funny-eyed fish at the bottom of the sea. 

Roy's just noticed the june bugs swarm- 
ing around the big lights above the park- 
ing lot when he hears someone cursing. 
He looks down and sees some men in an 
old Cadillac parked two over from his 
station wagon. Their windows are rolled 
down, and they are quarreling over 
something. Finally, one of them gets out 
of the backseat and slams the door. Roy 
hears what he tells the others as he walks 
away. Go fuck yourselves. 

It's the guy from the pool, Roy real- 
izes. He watches the man climb over an 
embankment at the edge of the lot and 
head for the lounge on the service road 
behind the motel. 

The two others get out of the Cadillac 
and let themselves into one of the first- 
floor rooms. Roy can't see which room 
because he's backed away from the rail- 
ing—no reason to get mixed up in their 
fight, he figures, dropping his cigarette 
under his heel. 

He hesitates a moment. He knows he 
ought to go back in and get some sleep. 
But he doesn't do that. He follows the 
balcony to the stairs and, sticking to the 
shadows when he crosses the parking 
lot, scrambles up the embankment. It's 
already damp with dew, and when he 
slides to the gravel at the bottom of the 
little hill, he finds himself up against a 
fence. He hasn't scaled one since he was 
a teenager, but he gets himself over it 
with only a scratch or two. Crouching 
among the garbage cans behind the 
lounge, he catches his breath. What the 
hell am 1 doing? 

Even with their battered lids on, the 
cans ooze a smell as thick and damp as 
the darkness, and threaded through the 
sour air is a syrupy sweetness he doesn't 
want to think about. 

І can't stay here, Roy knows. Some- 
body will be coming out before long and 
see me. So he brushes himself off and 
finds the front door. 

It's an old place with clocks and lamps 
on the paneled walls advertising beers 
like Regal and Jax that haven't been 
brewed in 20 years. The lights are so low 
he can't see what the black, gummy floor 
is made of. Roy crosses the room to the 
bar and looks around for the guy from 
the pool, but he's nowhere in sight. 
There's an old couple at a table with an 
empty pitcher between them. Over by 
the window, a woman keeps checking 
the parking lot, waiting for someone. 
Another woman is drinking a beer at the 
corner of the bar, eyeing Roy as he eases 
onto a stool and orders a draft. 

You lose somebody, darlin'? It's the 
woman a few seats over. 

Just a friend 

Use a replacement? 

She's making him shy. I'm married, 


he tells her. 

Me too, darlin’. 

You lose your husband? 

Just mislaid him is all. She smiles. Till 
tomorrow. 

Roy takes a closer look at her. She's a 
handsome woman. he thinks. He knows 
he'd like the way her shoulders would 
fit his hands. 

She's still smiling. Any chance you 
mislaid your wife tonight, sweetheart? 

It could happen, he realizes. It could 
happen real easy. 

Her body is already rising, floating to- 
ward him. 

Afraid not, he says a little too loud. I 
know right vhere she is. 

Likea genie returning to its bottle, the 
woman sinks back onto her stool. It’s a 
lucky man, she tells him, knows the bed 
his wife sleeps in. 

He’s still thinking about Marilyn 
asleep in their bed when the rest room 
door swings open and the guy from the 
pool staggers out, wiping his mouth with 
his sleeve. 

Hey, I know you, the guy says. He 
plops down beside Roy. So, your little 
girls dry out yet? 

Oh, yeah, Roy says, they re fine. 

I like that boy of yours, the guy mum- 
bles, holding up a finger to the bar- 
tender for a beer. 

Let me get this, Roy insists. I owe you 
one from this afternoon. 

That's real white of you. Everything 
he says is slurred. Name's Thorne. 

Pleasure to meet you, Thorne. I'm 
Roy. 

So where you from, Roy? 

Just outside Amarillo. How about you? 

Hell, 1 don't know. 1 always tell people 
I'm from Toad Suck Ferry. you know, 
just to shit ‘em, but truth be told I was 
born up the road in Arkadelphia. We 
was on the move all the time, though, so 
I don't know where the fuck I'm real- 
ly from. 

Your daddy in the military or some- 
thing? 

Or something. He sort of had the 
knack of making himself unwelcome 
wherever we went. 

That's too bad. 

Well, he finally found a place they 
don't ever want him to leave. 

Near here? 

Not far. Down in Louisiana. Angola— 
the penitentiary. 

What did he do? 

You mean, what did he get caught for? 
Armed robbery. A payroll job at a sugar- 
cane processor one Friday afternoon. 
Daddy always says it should have been a 
real sweet deal. Thorne tries the beer the 
bartender has just set before him while 
he waits for the joke to sink in. Get it? 

Who the shit is this guy? Roy thinks, 
trying to chuckle. Yeah, I get it. 

But some little prick accountant pulls 
out this old pistol and shoots Daddy in 
the leg. You believe that? 


So what did he do? 


He hollered 
in court he 
was still yellin' his head off when the 
sheriff got there 10 minutes later. 

He was in it alone? 

Hell. no. But the boys he was workin' 
it with, they just fuckin' took off when 
the shootin' started. Sons a bitches. 

"That's a tough way to grow up. 

Thorne turns a bleary eye toward Roy. 
For some, maybe. But there's a lot to 
learn, and the sooner you get started, 
the better. III tell you, if that were my 
boy you got, I'd have him at the basics al- 
ready. There ain't no such thing as too 
young to get started. 

Well, I'm a lineman for the utility, Roy 
smiles. Dwayne Henry can't even reach 
the first stirrup on a pole yet. And tell 
you the truth, I don't really want to see 
him shinnying up telephone poles all his 
life. Got the sun frying you like a strip of 
bacon all summer. Come winter, go up in 
a storm with the sleet in your face and 
power lines whippin' all over the damn 
place. Shit. I want him working inside 
somewhere, with a tie and a white shirt. 

Thorne is nodding. Sure, everybody 
wants better for their kids. My daddy 
too. That's why he warned me off all that 
penny-ante bullshit. You know, stealin’ 
cars and crap like that. I tell you what, 
he ever heard I was out breakin’ into 
houses for TV sets or stereos, he'd take a 
strap to me from one end of town to the 
other. My daddy raised me right. Stores, 
banks, hijacking—fine, he'd say, that's a 
job fit for a man. But the juvenile delin- 
quent shit? Thorne whistles. He always 
used to say if you gonna do it, then do it 
You know? 

Roy nods, afraid not to. 

"Thorne keeps drinking. You ever 
think, he wonders as he turns his head 
toward Roy, about gettin' into another 
line of work? 


Easy work, low-risk kind of things. 
Like gas stations or convenience stores. 

You mean open one? 

Shit, no, Thorne laughs. I mean knock- 
in’ ‘em over. 

Rob them? 

Yeah. If you just pay attention to what 
you're up to, there ain't nothin’ to it. You 
get a little gas. Then one guy keeps it 
runnin' while the other goes in like he's 
gonna pay. You show the asshole your 
gun, he fills up a bag with money and 
you drive off to the next place. Do two 
or three a night in different spots. and 
you're talkin' about some real cash by 
the end of the week. 

Roy realizes he's serious. But you 
don't even know me. 

Hey, Roy, you're a family man. I seen 
that at the pool this afternoon. My dad- 
dy always says, Thorne, put your trust in 
a man with a family. He takes another 
sip. You know 

A family man's reliable? 


Thorne gives hirn a look like he's some 
kind of half-wit escaped from the state 
asylum. Hell, no. Daddy says they won't 
fuck with you ‘cause they know you can 
always hunt down their family and МН 
"em all if you have to. 

Roy sinks lower on his stool. Yeah, 1 
suppose your daddy is right about that. 

Thorne smiles. Yes, sir, he's a smart 
one all right. 

Roy stares into his beer, trying to fig- 
ure out if he's supposed to say some- 
thing else. 

So what you think? Want to give it a 
try? You and me, we can split it right 
down the middle, anything we make, 
60-40. 

The words are out before he can stop 
them. You mean 50-507 

Thorne wheels on him and hisses 
through lips pressed so tight together 
they just about disappear. You fuckin' 
kiddin’ me? My plan, my gun, and you 
want the same as me? He looks around 
like he needs something to hit Roy with. 
Why I ought to—— 

Hang on, Thorne. I was just trying to 
understand you. Yeah, sure you ought to 
get more than the other guy. Absolutely. 

Thorne’s face loosens a bit. All right, 
he growls through his teeth, all right. 

It wouldn't be fair any other way. 

That's what I told those fuckers I been 
runnin' with. But the two of 'em won't 
have it. Hell with 'em. I'll get myself a 
new partner. Somebody who ain't half 
crazy like Teddy. 

Teddy? Roy knows he shouldn't be 
asking, but he can't figure out how to 
stop Thorne. 

You know what that asshole did the 
last place we hit? Shot the goddamn 
derk in the leg. Just like they done Dad- 
dy. And you know why? 

Roy shakes his head. 

"Cause they don't have no chocolate 
swirl left in the freezer. Now, what the 
fuck's chocolate swirl got to do with the 
job, that's what I want to know. 

Roy watches Thorne's fists tighten, the 
veins tensing into swollen blue scars. You 
sure you should be telling me all (his? 

Thorne turns his head and smiles 
Shit, Roy, I ain't got to worry. You're a 
family man, remember? 

Oh, yeah, Roy nods, seeing how right 
Thorne's daddy is about that. 

Listen, Thorne says, то пд his voice 
against his shoulder, you got a car, don't 
you? We could go give it a try right now. 
See if you like it. And even if you don't, 
you sull $60, $70 ahead on the deal. 
What you say? 

Roy knows he needs a reason, a good 
reason. I appreciate it. he says, I really 
do. But my wife'd never stand for it. Not 
for a minute. He takes a sip of his beer. 
And it's not for me. It's kind of you to of- 
fer, but it’s not for me. 

I mean, Thorne says, shaking his 
head, it just gets old runnin with two 
assholes who haven't got half a brain be- 


tween "em. This morning J. Billy walks 
into our room with nothin' on but a 
swimmin’ suit and a pair of boots. We're 
outlaws, goddamn it. You don't go run- 
nin' around like that in public. Shit. 

Yeah, you're right. 

They're gonna get me caught, those 
two. Or worse. 

Roy nods. He almost feels sorry for 
Thorne. 

It didn't used to be like this. 

You want another beer? Roy asks. 

Nah, thanks. 1 ought to go see what 
those idiots are up to. Probably tryin' to 
break into a vending machine or some- 
thing. Sure you don't want to give ita 
try? Wouldn't take 10 minutes. 

He's lonely, Roy realizes. He's just 


fuckin” lonely. I don't think so. 

Thorne nods. You take care of that 
boy of yours, you hear? 

And you take care, too, Roy says, stick- 
ing out his hand. 

Standing, Thorne smiles and shakes 
his hand. Hey, he calls to the bartender, 
whatever my buddy here wants. He flips 
a 10 on the bar. Adios, amigo 

Roy stares at the mirror behind the 
bottles of liquor, watching the door ease 
shut after Thorne, and tells himself 
he ought to get back to his own room. 
He picks up the 10-dollar bill. For the 
first time he realizes it's more gray than 
green, the front of money. Whiskey, he 
says out loud to no one in particular. 

Two whiskeys, he hears like an echo 


"The orgy is running over. Caligula suggests that we reschedule 


the senate meeting for next week. 


133 


PLAYBOY 


134 


coming back to him. 

‘The woman is still there. 

You know, he says, not even looking at 
her, 1 think maybe I've lost the woman 
I love. 

Easy to do, she says. Easiest thing in 
the world. 

I'm only just realizing, he nods, still 
staring into the mirror. 

Well, maybe I can help you find her, 
the woman oflers, her voice half drunk 
and half dreamy as she sidles up beside 
him. The bartender pours two whiskeys. 
But you know, darling, I don't think 
she's in here. 1 mean, 1 been here, I 
don't know, two, three hours. Maybe we 
ought to look somewhere else. 

Roy waits for her to figure it all out 
for them. 

Maybe, she says, smiling a smile that 
makes Roy forget about everything he's 
supposed to remember, maybe we could 
have a look in one of those rooms over at 
the motel. She takes a sip of his whiskey. 
What do you think? 

Yeah, Roy hears himself whispering in 
her ear, yeah. 

She finishes off his drink. 

You got a car, baby? she wonders as 
she stands up. 

Not here, he admits, suddenly wor- 
ried maybe that'll ruin everything. 

But it doesn't make any difference to 
her. That's OK, she says twice, 1 got the 
Caddy. 

She waits for him to drink the other 
whiskey. He throws jt back the way cow- 
boys do in the movies, in a single gulp. It 
flares as it goes down, searing him from 
the inside out. 

Hang on a minute, he says to every- 
body at once, just one more drink. 

An hour later, they are leaning against 
each other like they're in some slow-mo- 
tion, three-legged race. The door of the 
bar seems far away, but they find it. Sud- 
denly, they re outside in the parking lot, 
and it’s dark and humid and if only the 
car wasn't a convertible and if only the 
top wasn't down, Roy is thinking. But 
then she fishes the keys out of her purse 
and dangles them in front of his face. 
"They sound like a bell, like the little bell 


they used to ring at Mass, he remem- 
bers, the little shiver of metal like a glass 
shattering against a stone floor, and it's 
as if he's been awakened from a dream. 
The only thing is, the dream's been his 
whole life up tll now, he thinks, and this 
woman, she's the realest thing he's ever 
seen. She's a monster she's so real, and 
she wants him to drive. 

He opens her door, and she gives him 
the smile again. How does she do that? 
he thinks, amazed. How do they all do 
that, the women? And he's lost, but he 
doesn't care. He wants it to happen. All 
of it. 

He gets in the red car, the color of lip- 
stick, old-fashioned lipstick. And the 
wheel is white, and the seats are white. 
Before he turns the key, he holds his 
breath for a moment. He slides his 
hands along the porcelain steering 
wheel like a kid pretending to drive. 
They don't have to go anywhere, he tells 
himself, they could stay right here. But 
he's already turned the key, he realizes, 
and the car is sliding over the gravel, the 
gravel that looks white as the upholstery 
under the floodlights on the roof of 
the bar. 

He wishes it were far away, the motel. 
He'd like to drive this woman's car un- 
der the stars all the way to California, to 
Canada, to New York City. But they 
haven't gone a hundred yards and the 
sign is already flashing right over their 
heads: vacancy. 

Roy drives through the arch beside 
the office and parks in the dark—away 
from the bugs by the lights, he explains 
10 the woman. 

Peeking through the louvers on the 
office door, he sees the top of a bald head 
balanced on the arm of the sofa next to 
the desk. Bob, he thinks. 

He turns the knob, but the door is 
locked. Roy rattles it till Bob sits up and 
rubs his face, as if he's not sure he's 
heard something. Roy tries tapping on 
the glass with the keys to the convertible. 

Bob holds up a hand. He must have 
been asleep is all Roy can figure. But 
when the fat man finally unlocks the 
door, Roy sees he's been watching wres- 


tling on television. 

1 was almost a pro, you know, Bob 
says, nodding at the TV. If it hadn't been 
for the knee. . .. He shakes his head at 
how it's all worked out. 

1 need another room, Roy says. 

Bob recognizes him. You're awfully 
damn picky. What's wrong with the one 
you got? 

Nothing. 1 just need an extra room, 
that's all. 

Bob looks past him, to out where the 
car is parked. Where everybody always 
parks, it occurs to Roy. 

1 get it. He gives Roy a sly smile. You 
need an extra room. 

Roy sees it in Bob's eyes. You can't fool 
me, his fat smirk says, you can't fool me 
about nothing. 

Just give me the goddamn key. 

Yeah, yeah. Bob is loving this. 1 guess 
you don't want your extra room tou 
close to that other room you already got, 
huh? 1 think there's an empty one here 
on this side of the place. 

He reaches under the desk and tosses 
a key onto the counter. It's a real nice 
room. You two'll love it. 

"Thanks, Roy says under his breath. 
Maybe Bob isn't such an asshole after all, 
he thinks. 

He changes his mind when he slips 
the key into the lock on the second- 
floor room overlooking the pool. That's 
when he remembers the number, 218. 
Don't turn on the light, he whispers to 
the woman. He knows there's no going 
back. 

Oh, you are a shy one, she whispers. 
The door closes behind them, and he 
can hear her smiling in the dark. Then it 
occurs to him he's got to get her on the 
bed before she takes off her shoes and 
her feet stick to the carpet. He catches 
her up in his arms like she's his bride 
and lays her on the bedspread. 

She's lighter than he expects, and she 
likes it, being carried to the bed. You're 
sweet, she sighs, and pulls him down on 
top of her. 

Jesus, we're drunk, he tells her, want- 
ing to believe it. 

He hasn't been with another woman 


I DO UNTIL THE 
LAST FEW SECONDS 


AND THEN I JUST GO 
ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! 


in a long time—since just after they were 
first married, Marilyn and him. What's 
your name? His voice is higher pitched 
than he wants it. 

Red. Call me Red. Her voice is a 
whisper. 

They can barely see each other in the 
dark room. He feels her rustling be- 
neath him. I'm Roy. 

He undresses her on the bed, doing 
his best not to let any clothes fall on the 
floor. And at first it works, making love 
to her the way he makes love to his 
wife—simple, gingerly. But it doesn't last 
long. She is so willing, he forgets all 
about what he was trying to do. Not that 
it matters. Red's so drunk there's no way 
he can keep her from slipping off the 
bed in a heap and him on top of her. And 
it really is funny, though she can't fig- 
ure out what they re sliding around on, 
when their bodies get so slick with oil 
they can barely hang on to each other. 
She's hoarse from laughing in the dark, 
and it's too late for Roy to do anything 
about it. He's never known anything like 
it either, the drunken, sloppy joy of it. 
The bodies skim across each other, and 
there аге flashes when Roy can make out 
the sheen on her flesh like some kind of 
honey she's been dipped in. And the 
more they roll around on the floor, the 
more they disappear into the darkness, 
the oil smudging their white bodies 
black like two pale ghosts fading into the 
night. 

It's her scream that wakes him, and 
he's surprised, at first, that he knows 
right where he is. The light from the 
bathroom explains it all. Jesus, what 
time is it? he wonders, still on the floor. 
He tries to rub the grease off the face of 
his watch: 2:40 or so, it looks like. Shit, 
we fell asleep. 

He stands in the bathroom door, and 
Red is still staring at the black woman in 
the mirror staring back at her. Her hair 
is matted with long, thick gobs of dirty 
brown gunk. Her hands are so damp 
with oil that every time she tries to wipe 
away a streak of grease, it spreads. Her 
dark, naked body glistens in the raw 
light of the fluorescent halo overhead. 

But when she turns to Roy framed in 
the threshold. she bursts into laughter. 
You should see yourself, she hoots. 

He cranes his neck so he can see for 
himself. He doesn't recognize the black 
face, the slick hair. She pulls him into the 
bathroom, and they stare at the couple 
in the mirror. They are covered in it, the 
oil. They turn around and look over 
their shoulders—on their backs it's even 
worse. What the fuck happened? Red 
wants to know. 

Shit, I don't know, Roy stammers. 

You think it'll come off? 

Sure, sure it will. He discovers he's 
good at this lying thing. 

She follows him out of the bathroom. 
When he flips on the light, Red gasps. 
Did we do this? 


No way, there's no way we could have 
done this. He draws a finger across her 
belly and holds it up to examine, rub- 
bing it against his thumb. This is motor 
oil, he exdaims. 

You sure? 

He tastes it. 1 don't know how it got 
here, but it sure as hell is motor oil. He 
needs all the authority he can muster. 
Feels like 20 weight 50. All purpose, he 
adds, nodding. 

The woman kneels and touches the 
carpet. It's all over the place. She looks 
up at him. So now what do we do? 

1 think we take a bath. 

In there? You better go take another 
look at that bathroom. 

He pulls back the shower curtain. The 
tub is bad. Real bad. But at least there 
are plenty of towels and two or three tiny 
bars of soap in their wrappers. When he 
turns around, though, and sees how 
thick the grease is in her hair, how deep 
the oil has been massaged into her flesh, 
he realizes it's hopeless 

He sits down right there on the lino- 
leum floor and would weep for what he's 
done—if only his tear ducts weren't 
plugged with oil 

But hers aren't, it turns out. When she 
sees him give up, black tears slither 
down her face, tremble and drop to her 
breasts. He's never been able to take 
that, tears running down a naked wom- 
an's body. 

Hang on, Red, we're not done yet. He 
takes her hand and pulls her down, hug- 
ging her to stanch the tears. And while 
he's rocking her in his arms, he remem- 
bers the jar of cream he's got in the back 
of the station wagon, the one they use to 
clean up with on the job when they've 
been working on transformers. 

Wait here, he tells her. | know what 
to do. 

He doesn't bother with his drawers. 
He just pulls on his pants and throws his 
shirt over his shoulders. The grease 
holds the pants wherever it sticks to the 
fabric, the same for the shirt. He thinks 
he ought to be able to make it to the back 
parking lot without anyone seeing him, 
he tells Red. I mean, I'm camouflaged 
like some kind of commando. 

You be careful, she warns. Anybody 
sees you, they'll think you're some kind 
of commando car thief or something 

It's late, and everyone's asleep behind 
dark windows. He shifts among the 
parked vans and cars with license plates 
Írom Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Okla- 
homa, Tennessee. Crouching behind the 
open tailgate of his station wagon, shov- 
ing aside battered suitcases and toys, he 
fishes out the can of cream from the tire 
well. He returns the way he came, dodg- 
ing from shadow to shadow, dashing 
across open spaces in his floppy shoes, 
until he is hufling in front of 218, tap- 
ping on the door with a black knuckle. 

Red has all the lights on. The place 
glows with a golden luster. 


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PLAYBOY 


He peels off his clothes, and they re- 
treat to the bathroom. Roy, kneeling be- 
fore the naked woman, begins with her 
foot, urging the cream into her flesh. Off 
balance, she rests a hand on his shoul- 
der. He likes her, he realizes, he likes her 
very much. Kneading her calf with the 
cream, spreading it beneath his large 
hand across her yielding thigh, the man 
imagines he is shaping her out of clay, 
this slick woman. Gathering her belly in 
his grip, he flicks a finger of the cleans- 
ing cream over her breasts, teasing her 
nipples, Then he pulls her slender black- 
ened arms between his cupped hands. 

Sill on his knees, he turns her, work- 
ing from her shoulders down her 
stained back. There is, in his hands, he 
senses, a tenderness he has never felt 
before, as they slide, thumbs together, 
along the gully of her spine, his fingers 
spreading like wings, opening. He slath- 
ers dollop afier dollop of the cream be- 
tween his hands and her flesh, along her 
hips and the wavering lines of her legs 
converging on the narrow ankles, just 
apart. 

She turns again to face him and bends 
to kiss his black face. She takes the can 
from his hands and lathers his body in 
the thick cream. By the time she comes 
to his long calves, she on her knees be- 
hind him, he could love her, he decides. 

They stand in the filthy tub beneath 
the feeble shower, scraping the oil-dark- 
ened cream from each other's bodies un- 
til the water eddies black around their 
feet. Then they bathe each other with 
the little bars of soap and swilling water. 

But even after an hour of rubbing 
the cream into her flesh and her rubbing. 
it into his, of bathing each other in 
running water, the yellow stains across 
their bodies linger like huge bruises. 
And nothing makes any diflerence on 
their feet. 

What are you gonna tell your hus- 
band? Roy asks. 

1 don't know, Red sighs, shaking her 
head. Jaundice, 1 guess. 

He tries again, washing her as she 
squats in the tub. Massaging the cream 
along her back, running his hand over 
the lather he's soaped across her little 
belly, scooping the water over her hair, 
he feels the realness of her thicken un- 
der his fingers. And when she stands 
over him, her flesh still yellow with 
stains, letting water fall from her hands 
on his face, on his chest, on his thighs, he 
can't help but think of the Baptists back 
home in the river. He doesn't struggle 
against the idea of it. Not that he believes 
it. But he sees, at last, sees what they аге 
getting at. 

1 gotta go, he says. 

Yeah, it's about time 1 found my hus- 
band, too. 

They dress as well as they are able in 
their filthy clothes. As they are about to 
leave, Roy remembers the white seats 


136 of Red's Cadillac. He grabs the cleanest 


towel that’s left. You might need this, he 
offers. 

Red hesitates, her hand on the door- 
knob. We don't know each other, she 
whispers in the dark room. 

Yeah, Roy nods, we just met. 

She pauses. The thing is. she says. my 
husband don't need to be found. It's my 
money, my car. 

I don't get you. 

I mean, you sure you want to find 
your wife? 

She hears his hesitation. 

You ever want to start over again, 
ith everything? Fresh? 
ies to see Red in the dark. Some- 
times it feels that way, he whispers. 

Because you really are sweet. 

You, too, he says. 

She kisses him, differently than 
before. 

He takes her by the shoulders and 
holds her off. But I got a family. 

Kids? He feels her shrivel in his hands. 
They make all the difference, don't they? 

Roy opens the door. It's time we got 
home. 

Yeah, she sa: 
rasping her voice. 

She offers him a ride, but he thinks 
he'd better walk. 

He lets himself into his other room, 
slides the chain lock back into place. He 
kicks off the sticky shoes, strips off his 
greasy pants and shirt, rolls them into a 
ball, and stuffs them into the plastic bag 
in the wastebasket. Flopping into the 
chair beside the window, he listens to 
the air conditioner, growling deep in its 
throat like a sleeping dog. He can smell 
the mold on its chilly brcath. His fami- 
ly is sound asleep. What the fuck do I 
do now? 

Roy peeks out the curtains. The park- 
ing lot is deserted. He pads into the 
bathroom, wearing nothing but his 
shorts, and shuts the door. In the mirror, 
he can see the yellow bruises tinged with 
darker borders all over his body like wa- 
ter stains on old wallpaper. Somehow ог 
other, he'll find а way to explain it. Не 
sees the tracks on the bathroom floor. 
The bottoms of his feet are still black 
with oil. He sits on the edge of the tub, 
irying to scrape the stain off his soles 
with emery boards from his wife's makc- 
up kit. But most of it won't come off. 

It's 4:12. He gets dressed, takes the 
bag of oily clothes outside and throws it 
away in a garbage can by the vending 
machines. He has another cigarette be- 
fore he goes back in. 

Already the interstate has more traffic 
than just a half hour ago. Behind every 
pair of lights, it occurs to him, leaning 
on the balcony railing, is somebody go- 
ing somewhere. And here he is, on the 
edge of the highway, car keys in his 
pocket. Anything is possible, he thinks. 


а weariness suddenly 


Time to hit the 


road, he says. 


Marilyn is confused. What time is 
she wants to know. 

Time to hit the road, he says. 

It doesn't take long to load the car. 
The kids are half-asleep. We'll eat when 
the sun comes up, he promises them. 

Before he pulls the door shut, he 
makes sure he's got the keys to both 
rooms in his pocket. Let's go, he says, 
more certain than he's ever been about 
anything. 

He backs the station wagon out and 
slowly circles the complex the long way 
back to the office. The vacancy sign is 
flashing overhead, but the door is 
locked. He looks in the window and can 
see Bob asleep on the sofa near the desk. 
Roy slips the keys to both rooms in the 
mail slot, gets in the car and waits to slam 
his door shut until they're on the service 
road back to the interstate. 

But Roy doesn't take 1-30 to Dallas like 
he had planned. Instead, he follows the 
markers and takes highway 71 to Fort 
Smith. 

When the lights of Texarkana fade in 
his rearview mirror, he relaxes a little. lt 
feels good in the dark, barreling along 
71 like there's no tomorrow, the kids 
slumped in sleep across one another on 
top of the towels and blankets in the back 
of the station wagon, Marilyn groggily 
waking up to bitch at him for a while. 
then falling back asleep for another few 
miles. 

Every now and then, Roy looks up 
from the rough grain of the concrete in 
the throw of his headlamps to check his 
rearview. Just before dawn, a car passes 
him outside of Acorn. He catches their 
faccs in his lights when they pull back in- 
10 his lane up ahead, a bunch of kids, 
drunk and on their way home, probably 
from drinking down in Mena. 

Then, out of Marilyn's window, all of a 
sudden like it always does, the sky goes 
greasy with streaks of first light, brown 
and slick as burned butter sizzling in a 
skillet. He checks his mileage. Sull an- 
other 50 miles or so to Fort Smith, he fig- 
ures, where he can pick up 1-40 to Okla- 
homa City and then all the way home to 
Amarillo. His foot eases the gas pedal 
closer to the floorboard, and he feels the 
sock suck to his foot. 

He can do it, he knows, he can see it 
through, this life. He looks over his 
shoulder at Dwayne Henry and the girls. 
The lady was right, angels all of them 
‘Then he puts his arm around Marilyn, 
and little by little she turns to him. lean- 
ing into him in her sleep, until suddenly 
she curls up on the seat, her head in his 
lap. He strokes her hair with one hand 
and steers with the other. 

The radio is on real low, not much 
more than a buzz, tuned to a country sta- 
tion somewhere in North Texas, fading 
in and out, and all the songs about love, 
O love, O careless love 


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PLAYBOY 


138 


E Ais 
Life sa Pileh 

(continued from page 114) 
most of all, nice. I am not perfect, but 1 
have good friends and Гуе dated many 
great guys. I also like women. I'm slight- 
ly beyond the experimental phase. A 
few years back I did some stuff —OK, 
everything you can think of—with my 
best friend. Although both of us had 
boyfriends at the time, we occasionally 
messed around with each other. Also, a 
stripper once kindly sucked my breasts 
during a lap dance and an 18-year-old 
friend once stuck her tongue down my 
throat for a free beer at a fraternity 
arty. The guy who dared us ended up 
giving us an entire six-pack. Thanks to 
these experiences, 1 am fascinated with 
the thought of a passionate, deep rela- 
tionship with a woman. 

Which brings me to my story. One 
evening ту friend Michael mentioned 
that he had someone he wanted to set 
me up with. I was interested because I 
know he has impeccable taste in men. 
“What's he like?” I asked. Michael was 
nervous. He said he didn't want to of- 
fend me, but he had heard 1 swung both 
ways and wanted to set me up with a 
great girl. 1 was surprised but curious. 
“You mean, on a date?" 1 replied. I pic- 


tured a girl in fatigues and a buzz cut 
with a cigarette dangling from the side 
of her mouth. | was scared. | like only 
beautiful women—ones who look like 
women. He reassured me this girl was 
gorgeous and feminine. She had broken 
up with her boyfriend and wanted to try 
something new. To be exact, she wanted 
to try something petite, blonde and fun. 
Yep, that’s me. 

Several weeks went by and I forgot 
about Michael’s setup. He never men- 
tioned the mystery girl again, so I was 
completely unsuspecting when I showed 
up at his birthday party two months lat- 
er. I went to the party with my best 
friend, Natalia, a hot Austrian actress. 
(Yes, she’s the one I messed with. Unfor- 
tunately, our situation became awkward 
and we went back to being just friends.) 
1 tell her everything, including how Mi- 
chael wanted to set me up. 

At one point, I went outside with Na- 
talia to smoke a cigarette. When I re- 
turned, Michael was standing next to 
a new female guest. Then they both 
turned around. She had a thin and flaw- 
less body. She wore black leather pants 
and her tight orange top stretched over 
large breasts. She was amazing. Could 
this be the girl? I wondered. Natalia 
must have sensed something because she 


"Well, it's not her face that caught my eye." 


took off. Great. 1 was left to fend for 
myself. 

Her name was Jacki. She was from the 
East Coast and in graduate school. She 
was Italian, like me, and she was a writer. 
If there is such a thing as love at first 
sight, this was it. I wasso attracted to her, 
not just because of her distinct features 
and raspy voice—it was also the way she 
looked at me. She stared openly at my 
body and looked directly into my eyes. I 
felt like 1 was about to have an orgasm. 
No man has ever looked at me that way. 
Only a woman has the sultry, seductive— 
and ultimately destructive—bedroom 
eyes that Jacki flashed at me. Part of me 
felt like a piece of meat. No, all of me felt 
like a piece of meat, and almost all of me 
enjoyed it. I was hot for this girl. 1 didn't 
know if she was who Michael had in 
mind, and I didn't care. I wanted her. 
We ended up talking for two hours. She 
gave ше her number and I gave her 
mine. She left before I did and I was flat- 
tered that she had spent the entire eve- 
ning with me. I ran up to Michael and 
told him, "I don't know who you were 
setting me up with, but I want Jacki." He 
said, ^You like her? She thinks you're 
amazing, too." She was the one, all right. 

1 went home that night with a geeky 
I-love-life feeling that I thought was re- 
served only for high school boys who 
have just gotten their first blow jobs. Sort 
of pathetic, I know, but I couldn't help it. 
1 felt she was perfect for me. She eased 
all my qualms about getting involved 
with women. It had been only a few 
hours but already I wanted to see her 
again. 

I thought the mature thing to do was 
to call her right away, instead of wait- 
ing a few days as some guys do. To get 
around the standard game playing, Sat- 
urday morning 1 left a message on her 
machine asking her to call me when she 
had a chance. Well, I guess she didn't 
have a chance until Wednesday morn- 
ing, which is when she called. Talk about 
frustrating. (For the record, I have never 
waited more than a day to return a first 
phone call.) 1 knew I was being sensitive. 
We spoke again Wednesday night and 
realized we were going to the same Christ- 
mas party the next night. When I showed 
up, with about eight friends, 1 saw Jacki 
there with her roommate. Introductions 
all around. I teased her about being 
dressed like a snow queen because she 
was wearing a floor-length white coat. 
The coat was slightly open, revealing the 
cleavage of her perfect breasts and the 
skin of her flat stomach. I noticed some- 
thing sparkle on her tongue—not one 
but two tongue rings. Oh, my. I thought 
that I was going to die right there on the 
floor. 

I had a great time. I tended to my 
friends and she went back and forth be- 
tween her roommate and me. Each time 
she left me, she would give me a deep, 
warm kiss. She still had that look in her 


еуез. As the night progressed, I busied 
myself dancing with my friends. She was 
across the room talking to people. She 
smiled at me and I smiled back. Then I 
noticed she had disappeared. My friends 
were ready to leave, but I wanted to find 
Jacki to say goodbye. To my utter amaze- 
ment, she had already left. I couldn't be- 
lieve it. What does this mean? I thought. 
Something I said? Something I did? 
Maybe something bad happened го her. 
I called her house. No answer. Was she 
just plain rude? My friends thought so. 
"What a freak show," they said. "Don't 
cver talk to that bitch again. You can get 
any pierced psycho in LA." I was hurt. 

Friday morning, 1 left Jacki a message 
to see if she had made it home—and to 
see if she was free on the weekend. She 
called me back at 11:30 Monday night. 
Now | knew she was insensitive. I was 
sure I didn't want to be friends with her. 
It was the type of thing my friends do to 
guys all the ume. They act interested one 
minute, then shun them the next. Al- 
though I'm not one to feign interest, 
I have to admit that I am guilty of not 
returning guys' phone calls—but on- 
ly after I've made it clear they have no 
chance. 

Although I had agreed to take her to 
the airport, I decided to forget about 
Jacki and to move on. However, 1 had 
forgotten I was dealing with an expert in 
the art of the tease. A week went by. I 
came home from a great first date with а 
guy (who, by the way, treated me like a 
queen) and I saw the light on my phone 
flickering. Jacki had left me a message. 
She said she didn't need a ride to the 
airport—her so-called ex-boyfriend was 
taking her. She would call me from Flor- 
ida. She said it twice. Suddenly, irra- 
tionally, my hopes went sky-high again. 
And it didn't hurt that the new guy 
called to tell me what a fantastic person I 
was and to tell me how much he enjoyed 
my company. If I'd had my pick, I would 
have gone with Jacki. 1 had a feeling 1 
wasn't her first priority, but whatever she 
was doing to me was working. She was 
driving me up the wall. 

Jacki called me when she was back in 
town—never from Florida. If a man had 
treated me that way, I would never speak 
to him again. But she left an apologet- 
ic message (she blamed her mom’s cell 
phone or something) and somchow I 
was hooked. When 1 called her, we had a 
long conversation about her boyfriend 
(what else?), her mom and her stressful 
life. When she asked me to a movie I 
jumped at the chance. 

I arrived at her apartment at nine 
o'clock. She was on the phone with her 
mom and barely greeted me, stressed 
out, as usual. 1 sat on her balcony for 10 
minutes while she chain-smoked and 
chatted. Finally she hung up, sighed and 
railroaded mc into a conversation about 
how she was fighting with her ex again. 
She was distracted and distant. Wow. 


How did 1 get so lucky? I have a school- 
girl crush on this gorgeous woman who 
couldn't care less about me. The sparkle 
in her dark eyes was gone; she looked 
lost in her thoughts. On the way to the 
movie, she said she had to stop at her ex’ 
to drop offa shirt. Oh, that's a real turn- 
on. I was actually on a date with a wom- 
an who decided to make a quick stop at 
her old boyfriend's house to drop off 
one of the 900 belongings of his that she 
had in her car. No man has ever pulled 
a stunt like that with me. Men can't let 
out an accidental burp without getting 
the boor. 

How do men deal vith this garbage? I 
was not going to stick around to find out. 
I searched my memory and realized 1 
had put men through some fairly ridic- 
ulous situations. Karma had come back 
to bite me on my unsuspecting ass. I 
thought of all the times my friends and I 
had laughed about ignoring some guy 
who had sent flowers. Now guilt swept 
over me. Jacki had taken advantage of 
my feelings. 1 wasn'ta challenge and nev- 
er would be. 

Guys, I'm sorry. It is not OK for wom- 
en to misbehave and get away with it 
And, ladies, please remember, behind 
every phone call and first date is a per- 
son with real feelings. 1 know I'm never 
going to forget it. 

Now I'm seeing a guy who's awfully 
happy I’m not with Jacki. I've also had a 
few more experiences with women (and, 
yes, he knows). Still, when I'm with him, 
I sometimes close my eyes during sex 
and picture Jacki's breasts and her dark, 
yearning eyes. I hear her deep, seduc- 
tive voice. 

I want what everyone wants. I want to 
love and be loved. Until that happens, 
I'm all for a bit of fun. Sometimes I feel 
like a total dog and imagine being with 
anyone, anywhere. Other times I play 
out this fantasy where my dream girl 
and I go to the grocery store. We stop in 
the cereal section and I just have to grab 
her tits and slam her against the Lucky 
Charms and kiss her real hard. I want 
her to want it so badly she almost can't 
wait until we get home. Is that too much 
to ask? I want to hold her and have her 
hold me for what seems like forever and 
ir's still not enough. But 1 don't have 
that. I have the toys (they re OK) and 
erotic sex—the hair pulling, the scream- 
ing, the making out on the couch for 
hours. Гуе got my guy friend. But I 
want the real deal. 1 want love. 

Every bisexual woman is different 
Some just want a little girl action on the 
side, a secret to tell their boyfriends. 
Some girls are just curious and never 
take it too far. And some are like me—re- 
al bisexual women who can fall in love 
with a man or a woman. 

Loving is easy. It's getting there that's 


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PLAYBOY 


140 


TIM BURTON (continued from page 66) 


People in Taiwan were making Planet of the Apes 
swords before we'd even shot the thing. 


studios you long to do an independent 
film. And listen, if 1 were in an office all 
day being tortured and feeling the pres- 
sure of a board and all that stuff, I'd go 
crazy too. Some of those studi are 
difficult, thankless jobs and Га be shocked 
if there weren't feelings of jealousy. 
PLAYBOY: Have your interests changed 
over the course of your life? 

BURTON: It's kind of sad, but 1 still love 
monster movies. 1 can watch them any 
time, and when they're actually on TV, 
as opposed to being on a video or DVD, 
there's a weird energy they give off. 
Maybe it's because you know other peo- 
ple are watching it at the same time, so it 
becomes this odd kind of shared experi- 
ence. Monster movies are part of an age- 
old tradition that includes fairy tales and 
fables, and that tradition is not going to 
disappear. 

PLAYBOY: Who inspires you? 

BURTON: Lisa inspires me, so that keeps 
a certain heartbeat going in my life. I 
was lucky enough to work with Vincent 
Price, who was also inspiring. While he 
was working on Edward Scissorhands 1 got 
an idea to do a documentary called Con- 
versations With Vincent that he agreed to 
narrate and was completely cool about. I 
felt like he got what it was about, that it 
was more than just a tribute to him, and 
it meanta lot to me. It was about the in- 
ternal life of a child and how adults tend 


to overlook the fact that children are 
supremely intelligent in a unique way. 
They have instincts that should be taken 
seriously, and Vincent understood that. 
He was in his early 80s when we met, 
and it was great to meet someone so old 
who'd been through so much but was 
still so cool. The film has never been 
seen because it became a nightmare try- 
ing to get all the rights and clearances we 
needed. Вигіг not over yet. A little time 
has passed, and there are some great 
things in it incent died in 1993, so it 
has some of his last footage. I haven't 
given up on it. 

BOY: What аге you incapable of be- 
ing sensible about? 

BURTON: I don't respond well to authori- 
ty and have an aversion to anyone telling 
me what to do. Those kinds of seeds аге 
planted early in life. 1 wasn't a good stu- 
dent, and I discovered in school that 
instead of reading an 800-page book, 
1 could make a little Super-8 film and 
get by I never wanted to do what peo- 
ple told me to do, and Гуе always tried 
to find my own way of doing things. 
As soon as somebody tells me what to 
do, my mind flip-flops to another place. 
To this day, when Sunday night rolls 
around, I get depressed because 1 fccl 
like 1 have to go to school the next day, 
and if | walk onto any campus 1 feel that 
way. It's weird. Every month I get a let- 


“Most cows aren't mad, but I’ve met some who could benefit 
from a little psychotherapy." 


ter in the mail saying I'm getting kicked 
out of the Directors Guild of America, 
and that brings up those anti-authority 
feelings, too. 1 paid my dues! I guess I 
got caught up in some form-letter cycle 
when I forgot to pay my dues one 
month, but getting that letter immedi- 
ately throws me back to high school or to 
Cal-Arts, where 1 was fighting with au- 
thorities every day about this, that or the 
other thing. 
PLAYBOY: One would imagine that there 
aren't many authority figures ordering 
you around these days. 
BURTON: It still happens. I remember go- 
ing to the premiere for Pee-wee's Big Ad- 
venture, and the security people didn't 
know who I was and refused to let me in. 
I still have a hard time getting on movie 
lots, and the studio guards always stop 
me. Scarily enough, Гуе been around 
long enough to see the studios change 
over five or six times, and when I drive 
onto the lots the guards always stop me, 
and I always have to ask the guard, 
“What's this studio called now?” 
PLAYBOY: Do you feel you're pigeonholed 
as an oddball, eccentric director? 
BURTON: School is your first taste of cat- 
egorization and social hierarchies, and 
you don't have to do much to be put in- 
to a weird category. 1 felt very lonely 
in school, and Edward Scissorhands was 
based on the feelings of loneliness I ex- 
perienced as a kid. 1 knew I wasn't a 
bad person and I didn't feel weird, yet 
that's how I was perceived. It was sad 
and it made me feel like I was crazy. I 
can remember walking around thinking, 
What's wrong with me? They tell me I'm 
weird so I guess I must bc, but I don't 
feel weird. In retrospect, I can see that it 
was the people who had a strong quality 
of individuality who were ganged up on 
and treated like freaks, probably because 
people who don't have personal power 
like to torture those who have it. 
PLAYBOY: If you could change anything 
about the way you were raised, what 
would it bc? 
BURTON: I wouldn't change anything, be- 
cause the more pain you endure when 
you're young, the richer your adult life 
ill be. 1 remember going to my 10-year 
high school reunion, and when 1 looked 
around the room it was obvious that the 
people who'd done the most with their 
lives were the ones who'd been troubled 
in school. People who were satisfied with 
themselves in high school and thought 
they had it all had stopped growing. Go- 
ing to that reunion was a shock. The one 
good thing about having that kind of 
childhood is that it gives vou time on 
your own. Because you're not popular 
you're not out socially, so you have ume 
to think and to be quietly angry and 
emotional. And if you're lucky. you'll de- 
velop a creative outlet to exorcise those 


feelings 
El 


Jon Bon Jovi (continued from page 117) 


Videos are а necessary evil, part of advertising a 
record. But it's all your cost and none of your profit. 


the studio. Whenever I'd see Mick around 
the studio, he would encourage те. Fif- 
teen years later we were playing the 
same stadiums and I wrote him a fan let- 
ter and explained the story. 1 asked Mick 
if we could open for him at Wembley 
Stadium. He said, "I ain't paying you." 
1 told him I understood, and that all 1 
wanted was a picture of us and the Stones. 
We opened for them for two nights. 


4 


PLAYBOY: Are those conscious parallels 
between your latest video, Crush, and the 
opening scenes of Hard Days Night? 

BON Jovi: The latest one is actually a play 
off Run Lola Run. You want to see us rip 
off Hard Days Night, go back to the Keep 
the Faith record. It's blatant. We stole 
from the Beatles, we stole from every- 
body for videos—which is what you're 
supposed to do. Wayne Isham has di- 
rected the videos over the years and he 
and 1 are both movie buffs. Sometimes 
he's captured the essence of what the 
band is about and sometimes we've 
missed it. For the one we shot last Satur- 
day and Sunday, I called Emilio Estevez 
and said, “Emil, 1 want you to reprise 
Billy the Kid in Young Guns II.” We got 
Arnold Schwarzenegger to go into stor- 
age and pull out his Terminator costume. 
He showed up early on Sunday morning 
in the outfit, on the bike. Even the glass- 
es and hair were perfect. And he was 
there early. So we had some fun. Lip- 
synching is the most pain-in-the-ass part 
of the business. As an actor, 1 don't get 
bored because every take of every scene 
is a performance, and 1 get to collabo- 
rate. On a video, I’m not singing, I'm 
mugging for the cameras. It's tedious, 
boring. It's miserable. The advantages of 
video are if the radio station in Los An- 
geles isn't playing my record, the only 
way a kid's going to get to hear my thing 
is to turn on the TV. So videos are a nec- 
essary evil, an important part of the ad- 
verüsing ofa record. But it's all your cost 
and none of your profit. 


5 


PLAYBOY: We're sure you must know, as a 
hairdresser's son, the uses of mousse and 
gel. Which did you apply this morning? 
BON Jovi: Grease. | didn't take a shower 
today. I got up too early. I didn't shave. 1 
have a little baby beard, and the worst 


sideburns in the universe. 


6 


rLavgov: You've included the line “I did 
it my way" in recent lyrics. What did 


Frank do that impressed you so much? 
BON JOVI: Loyalty, fight and the clarity to 
know that he wasn't going to compro- 
mise who he was for the machine. Loyal- 
ty. It’s when you walk through the front 
door of any Vegas casino with Sammy 
Davis and say, "If he doesn't sleep here, 
1 don't sleep here." Fight is when you 
have no record deal, no movie contract, 
no nothing and your wife is out there 
trying to get you an opportunity to audi- 
tion for a role, which happened to be 
From Here to Eternity. He had the focus 
to rise out of the depths to own his own 
label, Reprise, at a time when nobody 
owned a record label. And everything 
he did after that. He helped get a presi- 
den: elected. Who's fucking cooler than 
Frank? Nobody. And they said about the 
guy, “Oh, the girls like him.” “He cant 
sing anymore, he lost his record deal.” “1 
don't want to put him in the movies, he's 
a singer.” Guess what? He's Frank. 


7 


PLAYBOY: What does it take to become а 
"made man" in Bon Jovi? 

BON JOvi- Impossible. It's hard to get in 
the inner circle. 1 let go of the bass play- 
егїп 1994 and he's never been replaced. 
We have a bass player who's phenome- 
nal—he's 10 times the player we let go. 
He's a great guy, but he's not an official 
member of the band. That's how hard it 
is to get in. We had one manager from 
1983 to 1991. I let him go, and we didn't 


bring anybody else in. After 17 years of 


it took to get to this level, it’s pure. 
It's sacred to us. There's no replacing 
anyone who's been here a long time. You 
don't try to fill that hole. You try to just 
do without. 1 was the guy who didn't 
leave my record company when Uni- 
versal bought it and everyone else left. 
That's just the way it is. 


8 


PLAYBOY: You were rebuffed on your first 
bid to appear on The Sopranos. Can we 
assume producer David Chase hasn't 
heard your last offer? 

BON Jovi: David Chase said that I was too 
recognizable, that the guys in Sopranos 
would know me. They vc referred to me 
in scripts, they've played the music on 
shows. 1 certainly would want a nice-size 
role, but only for a day. Groveling isn't 
out of the question. Payola is definitely 
not out of the question. I pitched them 
on one concept. In the first season Hesh, 
that gray-haired Jewish guy who was in 
the music business, and Tony's gang got 
involved to get rap guys to back off. I 


pitched that 1 could be the guy—as a fa- 
mous entertainer—an intermediary who 
resolves the situation in a way that made 
sense to all the parties in a music busi- 
ness way. But he chose not to even re- 
solve that episode. What kind of watch 
does Chase like? Rolex? Cartier? Not a 
problem. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Have you ever received a fa- 
vor from anyone in the waste disposal 
business? 

BON Jovi: Have I gotten favors from peo- 
ple in the waste disposal business in my 
lifetime? Yes. Next question, please. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Diners are a fixture of the New 
Jersey landscape. Should Jon Bon Jovi 
leave a piece of french toast on his plate, 
how much would it fetch in an auction? 

BON jovi: If it's a good diner, you don't 
leave anything on the plate. The Road- 
side Diner right off the circle in Wall 
Iownship is a fabulous greasy spoon be- 
cause it's such а cool-looking joint, one 
of the real silver-bullet diners. Taylor 
ham—a pork roll—is a Jersey fixture. 
Taylor ham with cheese on a hard roll 
is love. The big question is: ketchup or 
mustard? Everyone in north Jersey puts 
on mustard, everyone in the south, 
ketchup. I'm a mustard guy myself. A 
cherry Coke is wonderful with chipped 
ice. And, of course, there's meatloaf and 
mashed potatoes—thar's a staple. Diners 
are made for Sunday mornings or the 
day after when you need grease to soak 
up everything you did the night before. 
Then you order breakfast and lunch at 
the same time. That's the greatest. It 
cures a hangover. 


11 


PLAYBOY: Do you and neighbors Bruce 
Springsteen and Chazz Palminteri get 
together to trade lawn maintenance tips? 
Is it the crabgrass or those brown patch 
es from the salt air that give you the most 
trouble? 

BON jovi: We get brown patches. Spring- 
steen has a farm in Colts Neck that 
should have its own area code, it's so big. 
None of us garden, though. We trade 
tips on architects and interior designers 
and cool places to buy antiques. At the 
flea markets in Paris you can get an- 
tiques for a 10th the price they are in Los 
Angeles and New York. We get togeth- 
er whenever everybody's around. We go 
to each other's kids’ birthday parties or 
they come over and watch movies or sit 
in the pub at my place. I have a movie 
theater and a caretaker's house that we 
transformed into a funky old English 
pub. It has an antique bar, a jukebox, a 
pool table, pinball machines, a fireplace 
and darts. I bartend. I'm a mixologist. 
I make better cosmos than most bars. 


Vodka, a little splash of cranberry juice, 141 


PLAYBOY 


142 


lime juice and triple sec. It's a baby mar- 
tini. It’s a girly martini. Springsteen is 
more tequila and beer. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Now that your acting career is 
moving beyond indie films, are you hon- 
ing your storytelling skills to introduce 
movic clips on the late-night talk-show 
circuit? 

вок jovi: Ml tell you something more 
important than practicing how to make 
Jay laugh. 1 was standing behind the 
curtain and there are the publicists and 
the managers around me and everybody 
is nervous, because, apparently, actors 
are afraid to go up there and just talk. 
I'm not. This is what Гуе done my whole 
life. It's not a big deal to me. But before 
I went out, they have me standing there 
for two minutes, during a commercial 
break. The band is playing and Гт on 
the side of the stage going [sound of clear- 
ing throat). 1 go out there sull thinking I 
have to sing, and of course I don't, and 
the first thing I said to Jay was, "Christ, 
it’s so nice to come and sit on your couch 
and not have to sing for my supper, be- 
cause no matter where I am, no matter 
what I'm invited to, eventually I have to 
sing." This is so easy. These guys on 
movie sets think that life is hard, but 
they have no idea what a hard life is. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Harvey Keitel actually uttered 
the words “Holy Mary" in U-571. Did he 
go blue in the face trying to restrain the 
“motherfuckers” we've come to expect 
from him? 

BON JOVI: 1 wasn't in that scene. He prob- 
ably said “motherfuckers” and they just 
took the knife to it. Harvey's a method 
actor from the old school, which was a 


great education for the younger guys 
and a novice like me. One of those guys 
said Harvey was a Marine. We're in 
makeup early one morning and I'm try- 
ing to find some way to bond with him. 
The first words out of me were that my 
father and mother were Marines. He 
says, "Say that again." I told him my fa- 
ther and mother were Marines. My 
mother was the first to go into the Ma- 
rine Corps, my father met her and they 
got married. "Where did he go to boot 
camp?" “Parris Island." “I was there!” he 
says. "What troop? What year?” Oh, Je- 
sus Christ, how do I know? "Call your 
father” It's four o'clock in the morning 
in New York, and he tells me to get on 
the phone. “Dad, I’m in a makeup chair 
with Harvey Keitel. He was a Marine. 
He wants to know what troop you were 
in." My father goes, "How the fuck do 
I know? Tell him who gives a shit.” I 
say, "Harvey, he's trying to remember." 
Turns out Harvey was in a year earlier 
than my dad. At the end of the filming 
Harvey bought me an acting book, and 
inside he wrote, "To the son of a Ma- 
rine: You're not half bad." Harvey is a 
dass act. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Name your candidate for best 
actor in a crossover to rock and roll. 

HON Jovi: Kevin Bacon takes it seriously 
and his band is actually very good. They 
can be taken seriously because they play 
and sing very well and they work hard 
on their writing. He's an amazing actor. 
So I give him all the credit in the world. 
He is persistent in his music, as 1 am in 
acting. It's difficult because everybody 
knows him as Kevin Bacon, the actor. I 
took Keanu Reeves to Australia for a few 
stadium shows, and he played the Fo- 
rum with us in LA. We don't usually 


“It really is a remarkable likeness.” 


need support acts, but we wanted one 
there so I threw him the opportunity. 1 
didn't hear him play one note in the half 
dozen shows he played with us because 
I'm usually warming up at that time. 


15 


pLavsov: What do aspiring rockers miss 
if they don’t play in bar: 

BON Jovi: They're missing the interac- 
tion, the participation and so much 
sweat. They're missing the idea of being 
thrown into a stew and having to hold 
their own against a stronger flavor. 
You're going to learn your «raft in a bar 
where people aren't there to pay atten- 
tion to you and you have to earn their 
respect. Fortunately for me, I was 16 but 
could pass for 18. When the drinking 
age went from 18 to 21, it hurt the kids 
coming up after us. If you're reading 
this PLAYBOY, you're certainly looking at 
the pictures. But if you're 16 and you 
want to get into a rock-and-roll band, 
you have to write songs. Being in a cover 
band if уоште 16 will give you the ed- 
ucation about chord progressions and 
lyrical content. Don't worry about fads 
and don't be swayed by this week's fash- 
ionable thing on the cover of Rolling 
Stone. These guys who meet for the first 
timein the producer's office the day they 
make it through Mickey Mouse Club 
auditions, whoa, that's a drag. I loved 
when we were a rock band and it was five 
guys against the world and we shared 
the same pound of pasta. Those are the 
great experiences that you have to look 
back on. Those are the great stories 
you tell 


16 


юүлүвоү: Do you feel that you've finally 
earned the respect of Southside Johnny, 
who just last month was playing bars in 
Asbury Park? 

BON Jovi: I think I have his respect. I 
have his friendship. John and 1 have 
been friends for 20 vears. 1 opened for 
John a lot. He produced demos of mine 
when I was still in high school. Instead 
of going to my prom, I opened for the 
Jukes. John once went on the road with 
us as the rhythm guitar player. He re- 
cently used my studio when I was away. I 
wrote him a note last night asking where 
should I send the check because he said 
such nice things on Behind the Music. 


17 


PLAYBOY: Rockers enter rehab. Rappers 
get indicted. What gives? 

BON Jovi: Compared with rap music, rock 
is safe. That's just a fact. 1 don't know 
enough of the rappers. I don't know il 
thcy drink as much as the rock guys. Of 
all the rock guys l've known through the 
years, 1 don't remember any who carried 
guns around—except for Alec, our for- 
mer bass player. He always had guns on 


him, at a time when there was no rap 
music. So Al was ahead of his time. 


18 


PLAYBOY: You have a big followin; 
many. What vibes do you get when you 
perform at the Nuremberg Zeppelin Air 
Field? 

BON Jovi: You look up there and you can 
sull see that great History Channel im- 
age of the swastika blowing up. They 
blew up the swastika but the building is 
still there. Hitler, for being such a lu- 
natic, was a huge fan of architecture. He 
knew how important architecture was. 
We played the 20,000-seat Waldebuhne 
in Berlin. The acoustics are stellar. All 
the walls were curved so you couldn't get 
a shot off at Hitler. So you walk from the 
dressing area to the stage and you can't 
see five feet in front of you, because it's 
all going in circles. You have to know 
your way around. Gorgeous design and 
architecture. 


19 


PLAYBOY: You dated your high school 
sweetheart, hung out with some starlets 
and wound up marrying your swect- 
heart. Is there a lesson there for all of us 
who've sowed our wild oats? 

BON Jovi: The grass is always greener on 
the other side, no matter what the pro- 
fession or girl. My wife and 1 had broken 
up fora short period in 1985. I dated Di- 
ane Lane for the blink of an eye. I went 
back to what I knew and what 1 felt to be 
safe. I went to her mother's house and 
stood out on the lawn and told her that I 
was home from the road and playing at 
the Meadowlands that night and I want- 
ed her to be there when we got our gold 
record presentation. She fell for it. It 
sounds romantic and gushy, but it's true. 
ГЇЇ stand by her. I wouldn't trade her in. 


20 


PLAYBOY: How does a wealthy rock star 
raise kids who aren't spoiled brats? 

BON Jovi: My kids are eight and six. They 
have no idea what I do for a living. My 
wife is socially conscious; she took them 
to the Million Mom March and told 
them what it was. She took them to the 
food bank and had them clean dishes. 
None of my music ever plays in the 
house. Should they come home from 
school and say, “Yow're Jon Bon Jovi," 
I'd say, "Who told you that? If it’s your 
teacher, I'm going to talk to her.” My 
kids' pictures have never been in the 
newspapers. 1 have this wonderful thing 
going with the paparazzi—with the ex- 
ception of those Italian bastards. My kids 
have never had their pictures printed 
publicly and I've never whored them out 
to that. And they have to do chores to get 


a quarter. 


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PLAYBOY 


144 


CLONING „ан ево 


For $50,000 Clonaid will store а beloved's cells if you 
want to bring their DNA back for another life cycle. 


Dolly came from the mammary tissue of 
an adult ewe, which prompted one of 
the scientists to name the lamb after Dol- 
ly Parton. 

Cloning is а labor-intensive, though 
not particularly exotic, procedure. After 
eggs are gathered from female donors, 
their nuclei are sucked out through а 
fine glass pipette. Other cells are taken 
from the individual being cloned—from 
a tiny snip of tissue from inside the 
mouth, for instance. If the individual is 
dead, properly preserved tissue some- 
times can be used. If the individual 
has long been dead, as with the Jarkov 
Mammoth, DNA from marrow or other 
repositories could work, at least in theo- 
ry. But no one has managed to produce 
a Jurassic Park—yet 


In the lab, cach egg is fused with the 
nucleus of a cloner's cell and activated 
with a tiny electrical or che: I charge. 
If all goes well, the egg begins to mul- 
tiply—becoming an embryo with only 
the genetic traits of the creature being 
cloned. The most promising embryos 
are implanted in surrogate mothers to 
be brought to birth. 

Genetically, this makes the clone and 
the cloner identical twins, though born 
years, not moments, apart. To date a 
clone of the girl next door, you would 
have to wait for the clone to grow up. 
And, even then, she still wouldn't be ex- 
acıly the same. 

Identical twins have the same genet- 
ic information because they come from 
an embryo that split and became sepa- 


"Pam, Amy, Jessica, this is Stanley. Stanley doesn’t feel 
comfortable with total nudity just yet.” 


rated in the womb after it was fertilized. 
But identical twins are never exact du- 
plicates. Their fingerprints arc different, 
for instance. Cloned calves and goats of- 
ten don't have the same color patterns in 
their coats. In some cases twins can be 
strikingly different in temperament as 
well as in physical appearance. Chang 
and Eng Bunker, the original Siamese 
twins, were joined at the abdomen. But 
they were remarkably dissimilar. Eng 
was outgoing, while Chang was moody 
and alcoholic 

‘The idea that a clone will be exactly 
like the person who donated the nucleus 
is completely ridiculous,” says Jay Tisch- 
field, chairman of the genetics depart- 
ment at Rutgers University. Each twin or 
clone is formed in its own way, beginning 
with each embryo's position in the womb 
and the exact composition of the amni- 
otic fluid around it. In fact, because a 
clone would almost certainly be devel- 
oped in the womb of a surrogate moth- 
er—not the womb the cloner was nur- 
tured in—clones would be even more 
dissimilar than true identical twins. Fi- 
nally, after birth, each clone or twin will 
have individual life experiences that 
make them even more distinct beings. 
This is why Ira Levin's book The Boys 
From Brazil was an entertaining yarn but 
a highly unscientific vision of a pack of 
identical boys cloned from Adolf Hitler. 


FIRST, DO NO HARM 

Deformities showed up in the ear- 
ly work on cloning—tadpoles with no 
heads or no bodies; two-headed sala- 
manders. But in the mid-Eighties, more 


ticularly in Texas, where a now-defunct 
biotech company, Grenada Genetics, 
had hoped to build a business cloning 
prize-cattle embryos. prove their 
herds, beef ranchers routinely paid as 
much as $1500 for the single embryo of 
a valuable cow. If expensive embryos 
could be cloned—the first goal was to 
produce 16 embryos from one—a lot of 
money could be made. W.R. Grace and 
Co., which then had a big cattle opera- 
tion, backed the Grenada project 

But many of the cloned embryos were 
abnormal. Spontaneous abortions were 
common at all stages of the pregnancies 
but particularly near birth. Many calves 
that lived were oversize, even in the 
womb—a phenomenon that came to be 
known as large-offspring syndrome. 
‘Typical calves weigh 75 pounds at birth. 
Some cloned calves weighed 180 pounds. 
Also, the placenta connecting the fetus to 
the mother was abnormally large, leav- 
ing clones with distinctively big belly 
buttons. The calves often had enlarged, 
poorly working hearts and lungs. Many 
had diabetes. As many as 20 percent of 
those that made it to birth died soon af- 
ter. Ranchers quickly shied away from 
spending big bucks on "freak" cattle, 
and the business died. 


Other clones have had different prob- 
lems, many of which appear random- 
ly and unpredictably—as if genes are be- 
ing injured haphazardly during cloning 
Alot of cloned mice have trouble de 
oping properly. Some get mysteriously 
fat at the human equivalent of 30 years 
old. Dolly the sheep had to be put on a 
diet when her weight ballooned, though 
most researchers say Dolly seems physi- 
cally sound. But MIT biologist Rudolf 
Jaenisch in March 2001 told members of 
the House Energy and Commerce Sub- 
committee on Oversight and Investiga- 
tions, “There's probably not a normal 
clone around. . . . Dolly, 1 believe, is not 
normal." 

AII this is what scientists call the safety 
problem. Efficiency is another obstacle. 
Animal cloning is expensive because it is 
so laborious. Dolly started out with the 
cloning of 277 eggs. Twenty-nine contin- 
ued to develop and were transferred to 
the wombs of 13 surrogate-mother ewes 
Only Dolly's surrogate got pregnant. 
With mice, animal cloning has had about 
a three percent success rate. And phe- 
nomenal numbers of embryos and fetus- 
ез have died along the way to each suc- 
cessful clone. 

“We're making progress," reports Rob- 
ert Lanza, vice president of Advanced 
Cell Technology, a Massachusetts biotech 
company working on human-health 
products that could be produced on a 
commercial scale from cloned animals. 
ACT produced Noah, the baby bull gaur, 
in January. Lanza notes that each cloned 
species has presented unique scientific 
puzzles, some more easily solved than 
others. While cloning cows and mice is 
still inefficient, Lanza says goats have 
been a big success. A cloned goat embryo 
becomes a healthy new kid more than 85 
percent of the time. 

Lanza agrees that large-offspring syn- 
drome is still a problem with cows. But 
he says ACT is working around it. “At 
this point, we've cloned 40-plus cows, 
and except for placenta abnormalities, 
we don't see defects,” Lanza says. “Out 
on the farm, no one would be able to 
distinguish them from normal, healthy 
animals." 

They do require special care, he ad- 
mits. Because of th €, the calves 
are delivered early by cesarean section 
Then, like all preemies, they get special 

i they can fend for the 
nal that's a little large isn't 
says Lanza. "These are 


really so bad," 
valuable animals. 
Infigen Inc., a Wisconsin biotech com- 


pany, is cloning Lauduc Broker Mandy 
EX-95 2E, a champion Holstein. "This is 
one hell of a cow," says Infigen spokes- 
man Peter Steinerman. "The sheer quan- 
tity of milk this cow puts out is extraor- 
dinary.” A clone of Mandy, due in Sep- 
tember, was sold in advance at auction 
for $82,000 last fall at the World Dairy 
Expo in Madison, Wisconsin. The price 


is believed to be the highest ever paid, 
worldwide, for an unborn calf. Normal 
daughters of Mandy have typically sold 
for about $20,000. At the Expo, where 
the world's cows compete for the 
"Oscars" of the dairy industry, Mandy 
made her appearance onstage ambling 
through an artificial fog bank to the mu- 
sic from 2001: A Space Odyssey. 


INTO THE LOOKING GLASS. 


Human cloning seemed to take an es- 
pecially serious first turn in 1978, the 
year of the test-tube baby and two years 
after The Boys From Brazil became a best- 
seller. Public debate was exploding over 
the implications of genetic manipula- 
tion. J.B. Lippincott published In His Im- 
age: The Cloning of a Man, by medical 
writer David Rorvik. The book purport- 
ed tobe the true story of how Rorvik had 
helped a millionaire—pseudonym Max— 
secretly clone himself. While ethicists 
lined up to denounce the abominable 
procedure, researchers flatly said the 
deed could not have been done. Four 
years later, to settle a lawsuit from an Ox- 
ford University embryologist mentioned 
in the book, Lippincott conceded it “now 
believes the story to be untrue." Rorvik, 
who has always maintained the book was 
bona fide, today no longer answers ques- 
tions about the story. And scientists are 
even more convinced that human clon- 
ing was then technically impossible. 

Optimism is now the watchword in the 
flourishing human-fertility business. 
New techniques relentlessly emerge. CI 
ents of the more than 370 US. fertility 
clinics are willing to go to great lengths 
to have a baby. The American Society for 
Reproductive Medicine, the industry's 
professional trade group, opposes hu- 
man cloning until it’s safe. But at least 
опе longtime member is forging ahead. 

The potential of human cloning "can't 
be negated by a few dead cattle їп Tex- 
" Zavos, the Kentucky fe special- 
told the House subcommittee this 
past March. "There is a big difference 
between a cow and a woman." Zavos re- 
tired earlier this year as a professor of re 
productive physiology at the University 
of Kentucky. 

Zavos is part of an international con- 
sortium led by Italian fertility specialist 
Severino Antin: The team has an- 
nounced that it will clone a human with- 
in the next two years at one of several 
secret labs around the world. Antinori, 
president of the Italian Society of Repro- 
ductive Medicine, is considered by many 
scientists to be the most experienced of 
the group. He is skilled in in vitro ferti 
ization and is widely known for inducing 
pregnancy—using donated egg cells—in 
postmenopausal women. In 1994 he or- 
chestrated the successful birth of a boy to 
a 63-year-old woman. 

The consortium has been criticized 
by scientists who ask how it will prevent 
the abnormal offspring seen in other 


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species. Zavos says the team has devel- 
oped screening methods to catch defec- 
tive embryos before they are inserted in- 
to surrogate mothers. The effort will be 
comparable to putting a man on the 
moon, Zavos proclaims, but "this consor- 
tium has no intention to step over dead 
bodies and deformed babies to develop 
this technology." 

[he other leading effort, at least pub- 
licly, is Clonaid, set up by the Raélians, 
the Canadian techno-religious cult. As 
a practical matter, the Raélians at least 
claim to have the needed funding for a 
first attempt, from а U.S. couple whose 
child died last year from a medical mis- 
take. The anonymous couple is de- 
scribed by Clon 
Brigitte Boisselier, as Christian church- 
goers “who want to give that genetic 
code a chance to live." The Raélians al- 
so have another advantage in place—50 
young women willing to bear embryos as 
surrogate mothers. They are also appar- 
ently willing to abort their fetuses if tests 
show abnormal development. 

The Raélians believe that all life-forms 
were created as a scientific experiment 
by the small, olive-skinned inhabitants of 
another planet. These beings, misunder- 
stood here as gods, have dropped by in 
their UFOs over the past few thousand 
years to keep track of our progress. A 
French journalist, Claude Vorilhon, says 
he was confronted by one of these aliens 
in France in 1973. The visitor invited Vo- 
rilhon into his flying saucer, making him 
a prophet and renaming him Raél. Now 
the group, which bills itself as the world's 
largest nonprofit, UFO-related organiza- 
tion, with 55,000 members in 84 coun- 


tries, is raising money to build an em- 
bassy to welcome the experimenters 
back to earth. The Raélians would prefer 
to build their embassy in Israel, where, 
they say, much of the progeny of past 
sexual encounters between earthlings 
and the aliens now live. But Israel has so 
far declined. The Raélians’ request for 
unrestricted airspace over the embassy 
could be an issue. 

Cloning is a central technology in 
Raélian belief. In fact, the cult claims 
that the resurrection of Jesus Chri: 
accomplished by cloning. One Ch 
died and was buried and it was, accord- 
ing to the Raélians, his clone who began 
to appear to disciples a short time later. 
Jonaid, based in the Bahamas, focuses 
its international marketing on infertile 
and homosexual couples. “Come and re- 
turn to your country pregnant with the 
child of your dreams!” promises the 
website Clonaid.com. For $50,000, In- 
suraclone, another Clonaid service, will 
store cells from your living child or “be- 
loved person,” in case that person dies 
unexpectedly and you want to bring 
their DNA back for another life cycle. 

As to how Clonaid will prevent abnor- 
mal fetuses, Boisselier claims, "We know 
how to screen." She says that three un- 
named scientists in a L.S. lab are work- 
ing on the first clone. If legal restrictions 
force the project out of the country, 
Boisselier will press on. "If I have to fin- 
ish on a boat in international waters, I 
will,” she says. 

No one really knows what's going on 
underground. An article in Wired mag- 
azine earlier this year recounted a re- 
porter's experience with an anonymous 


was 


CA WELL 


‘My wife hates when I drag her to things like this.” 


scientist—the Creator—whose effort is 
supported by a European businessman. 
I he businessman kept tissue from his 
son's body after the boy died of disease. 

Whether accomplished openly or in 
hiding, cloning a human is a formidable 
undertaking. "With the technology i 
current primitive state,” says Silver at 
Princeton, “it could take a lot of eggs and 
a lot of women.” 

Silver raps out the most optimistic sce- 
nario. Several hundred eggs would be 
needed merely for a first attempt. Treat- 
ed with hormones, a donor can yield 
20 eggs. They are typically paid $5000 
to provide these—or roughly $100,000 
in all. Cells from the cloner are easy to 
come by, and are free. 

After the eggs and donor’s nuclei are 
prepared and fused, perhaps 10 percent 
would begin to divide, becoming em- 
bryos, says Silver. The yield is about 40 
embryos. At this early stage, these 40 em- 
bryos would be observed as they divide 
and grow. Obvious abnormalities would 
be eliminated. This would likely winnow 
out half the candidates, leaving 20 prom- 
ising embryos. With current technology, 
each surrogate mother can be implanted 
with three embryos—so at least seven 
women would have to be willing to ac- 
cept the task. 

One to three of those women would 
actually become pregnant "if they're 
lucky,” says Silver. At the end of the sec- 
ond trimester, the pregnant surrogates 
would be carcfully tested by amniocen- 
tesis and high-resolution ultrasound, 
again to detect abnormalities. At this 
point, at least 20 percent of the fetus- 
es would likely be abnormal, says Sil- 
ver, and would be aborted. The project. 
might end up with a single baby who 
"could very well" be healthy. 

Silver is highly skeptical of claims by 
the Raélians that they have better ways 
to effectively screen abnormal embryos. 
Others are equally skeptical of these 
claims by the Zavos-Antinori consor- 
tium. Jonathan Hill dissected many of 
the abnormal Texas calves in his years as 
a Texas A&M vete: зап. He and vir- 


tually all other mainstream researchers 


argue that since the road map to the 
human genome listing 30,000 genes— 
has only recently been completed, "we 
don't know which genes have the prob- 
lems yet. People who are involved in the 
animal work think cloning humans is 
premature, because we don't know what 
to expect." 

Late-second-trimester tests could de- 
tect "most, but probably not all, abnor- 
malities," says Silver. Some researchers 
ask how many women would care to 
bring a 15-pound baby to term; others 
joke that clones will be obvious at the 
beach—from their jumbo-sized navels. 


THE UNSUNG PROMISE OF CLONING 


Many of the researchers are irritat- 
ed at rushed eflorts to clone a human 


because they could provoke badly craft- 
ed legal restrictions that could hobble 
research in stem cells and other areas. 
Gregory Stock, at UCLA, calls human 
cloning “kind of a sideshow.” 

Pet cloning is another matter. It may 
not change the world, but it could make 
a fortune for Genetic Savings and Clone 
of College Station, Texas. The company 
was founded by а good-humored bunch 
of biologists at Texas A&M after they 
agreed to clone a 14-year-old Border 
collie mix named Missy. Mis: un- 
named owners put up $3.7 million to 
ind the Missyplicity Project. The biolo- 
found themselves besieged with in- 
dd from other pet ownersand set up 
a company. 

Like other biotech firms, they already 
do cows. Chief executive Lou Haw- 
thorne says his researchers have a 50-50 
chance of a cloned puppy by November. 
They are also hard at work on cats, hors- 
es and endangered species. Exceptional- 
ly talented guide and rescue dogs will be 
cloned at subsidized rates, as a public 
service. Hawthorne plans a horse race of 
clones in five years. Until a species can 
be cloned, the company will preserve the 
necessary cells for ranchers and pet own- 
ers. Cell harvesting and storage for a 
healthy dog costs $895. 

Hawthorne is a businessman, and he 
paid particularly close attention when 
marketing studies predicted that 1.5 
percent of the owners of the 60 million 
"loved" dogs in the U.S, would be inter- 
ested in cloning their pals. He was even 
more surprised at the stats on the na- 
tion's 40 million cats. “We thought cat 
owners lacked that cer! obsessive je 
ne sais quoi that dog owners have. We 
were flat-out wrong." 

At Advanced Cell Technology, scien- 
tists are also deep into cloning high- 
priced cows and other livestock. And in 
an agreement with the Spanish govern- 
ment, ACT is attempting to clone the 
extinct bucardo mountain goat, using 
tissue preserved before the last goat 
was killed by a falling tree in 2000. But 
cloning human cells and tissues—a field 
known as therapeutic cloning—and pro- 
ducing animal-created pharmaceuticals 
to be used in the human body, are their 
true focuses. The Holy Grail is a whole 
human replacement heart, cloned from 
the patient to avoid rejection. 

"A lot of people think that you have a 
little baby with arms and legs and you're 
pulling it apart," says Lanza, who is in 
charge of medical and scientific develop- 
ment. “That's not the case. We are talk- 
ing about a microscopic ball of cells." 

"That ball of cells in a petri dish can be 
engineered to produce tissue to patch a 
diseased heart, liver or kidney much as 
skin is now grown commercially for use 
on burn victims. "We have a whole dish 
of beating heart cells," says Lanza. ACT 
is also developing insulin-producing 
cells for diabetics and other cloned cells 


to treat victims of Parkinson's and Alz- 
heimer's diseases, multiple sclerosis, 
rheumatoid arthritis, juvenile diabetes, 
lupus and inflammatory bowel disease. 
The idea is not new: More than 10 years 
ago a man who had lost his pancreas was 
cured of the resulting diabetes with an 
infusion of engineered cells. But the 
tools are much improved. “We're now 
having success growing every part of the 
body,” says Lanza. 

The next goal is to clone whole re- 
placement organs. Not only does this 
eliminate immune system rejection but it 
also solves the enormous problem of the 
health system's chronic shortage of do- 
nor organs for transplants. A researcher 
at Children's Hospital in Boston has al- 
ready grown and transplanted an entire 
bladder into a dog. A liver could be rela- 
tively easy, a kidney would be more diffi- 
cult and a heart is the toughest of all, 
says Lanza. A lesser application of ACT's 
work would be to clone hair follicles. 
"It's not one of the life-threatening dis- 
eases," Lanza admits, "but it would be 
of interest to a lot of people, including 
myself." 

Infigen, home of Mandy's clone, is do- 
ing similar work. In 1997, the company 
created Gene, a Holstein bull, the first 
calf cloned from adult cells—as Dolly 
was the first such sheep. The company 
has cloned a prize Limousin bull, Cole 
First Down 46D, once one of the most 
“influential” bulls—as breeders describe 
it—in the business. Supplies of his ex- 
pensive semen had dwindled since he 
was injured in 1996. But Infigen, too, 
has its eye on the human therapeutic 
market. 

“The company is breeding cows engi 
neered to produce human protei 
their milk, key ingredients in phar 
ceuticals that are often cult to obtain. 
The American Red Cross, through а 
Dutch partner, hopes to use Infigen's re- 
search to produce proteins to help he- 
mophiliacs control bleeding. Also if clot- 
ting factor were more readily available, 
bandages could be infused with it, to 
help manage traumatic injuries. 

"You can see a farm of the future," 
says Steinerman of Infigen, "a pig stall 
with engineered pigs whose organs, tis- 
sues and cells would be used for human 
therapy. On the other side of the farm, 
you might have five or 100 dairy cows, 
each providing a therapeutic protein. 
One cow might ultimately provide $300 
million worth of a particular protein ev- 
ery year." 

The pig-cloning research at Infigen is 
aimed at the human-organ replacement 
market. The idea is to create pigs whose 
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147 


> 


PEATE 


Jet Li 


(continued from page 109) 
broadswords, nine-section whips, three- 
section staffs, tiger forks and rope darts— 
it's simply not possible to fake the deft 
use of these weapons. And the moves in 
kung-fu films are so fast that directors 
had to create new ways to film them— 
the lightning-fast fighting demanded a 
whole new look just to capture it. The 
poetically violent slow-motion ballet-of- 
bullets sequences that typify John Woo, 
Hong Kong's top director, began as a di- 
rectorial response to physical actions so 
fast they couldn't otherwise be seen. Hol- 
lywood directors adopted this dreamlike 
Hong Kong style in The Matrix, the mov- 
ie that first announced China had ar- 
rived, and Charlie's Angels, another Chi- 
nese-inflected movie. But now that 
Hollywood has adopted a comprehen- 
sive Eastern aesthetic, the need for real 
speed has set in. That's why a movie like 
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon demand- 
ed Chinese actors. And that's why the 
hottest action star in Hollywood today is 
also the fastest man on earth, Jet Li. He 
is the incarnation of the speed, grace 
and romance of Chinese film: His Once 
Upon a Time in China (1991) is the defin- 
itive Eastern. He stole the show in his 
first Hollywood role, as the heavy in 
Lethal Weapon 4; his first Hollywood star 
vehicle, Romeo Must Die, cemented the 
relationship between kung-fu-obsessed 
hip-hop MCs and kung fu itself. This 
summer he has a doubleheader, with the 
July release of Kiss of the Dragon (pro- 
duced by Luc Besson of The Professional 
and La Femme Nikita fame) followed this 
month by the sci-fi thriller The One. 

The excitement of a Jet Li mo 
rooted in physical technique—there 
no substitute for decades of wushu train- 
ing (wu means martial, shu means art 
Think our homegrown stars had it 
tough because they had to learn how to 
ride a horse and spina dummy revolver? 
Try preparing for an Eastern: "I started 
to learn wushu when I was eight years 
old." says Jet. “For 10 years 1 practiced 
eight hours a day. After that I started to 
make movies and I kept practicing day 
in and day out. By 1997 I had seven 
places in my body that were broken." 
Richard Donner, the director of Lethal 
Weapon 4, says, "Jet is so fast that the film 
doesn't even catch him. We had to ask 
him to slow down." But now that Holly- 
wood has so dramatically shifted East- 
ward, Jet no longer needs to use the 
brakes. 

The screen impact of Jet Li's movies is 
often eclipsed by actual events surround- 
ing them. His debut movie, Shaolin Tem- 
ple (1982), saved the real Shaolin temple 
when the film became China's first home- 
made blockbuster and a hit all over Asia. 
"Though the 1500-year-old Shaolin mon- 
astery had given birth to both Chan 


is 


18 Buddhism (or Zen Buddhism as it be- 


came known in [арап and America) and 
wushu, Mao had considered the monas- 
tery a symbol of China's feudal past, and 
encouraged its destruction. "When | ar- 
rived, there was only the abbot, a cook 
and a doorman. It was totally impov- 
erished," says Li. "But after the movie 
came out, a tremendous change oc- 
curred. The impact of the movie on the 
Chinese people was so huge that every- 
one—from three-year-old children to 
70-year-old men—was proud of Chinese 
martial arts." Today the Shaolin temple 
has more than 10,000 young wushu stu- 
dents and is one of the biggest tourist 
draws in China. 

The early chapters of the legend of Jet 
Li are no less remarkable. When he was 
just 11, he traveled to Washington, D.C. 
as part of the first cultural exchange be- 
tween China and the U.S. He performed 
wushu for Henry Kissinger and Presi- 
dent Richard Nixon on the White House 
lawn. Afterward, Nixon singled him out 
for praise and asked Jet whether he 
would like to be his bodyguard when he 
grew up. "I don't want to protect any 
опе man," young Jet replied, “When I 
grow up, 1 want to defend a billion Chi- 
nese people.” 

Jet made the transition from mainland 
China to Hong Kong in 1990 and—be- 
ginning with Once Upon a Time in China— 
made two dozen movies there. (He also 
started to make better money: In the 
People's Republic he had been paid just 
$750 for two years work on Shaolin Tem- 
ple, and subsequent projects were simi- 
larly compensated.) While Bruce Lee 
was ferocious and Jackie Chan funny, 
Jet Li developed a reputation for being 
something quite shocking in the kung- 
fu genre: a genuine character actor. Jet 
consistently subsumed himself into each 
role rather than bending it to his per- 
sona. Notable films from the period in- 
dude The Defender, My Father Is a Hero, 
Tai Chi Master, Fist of Legend and Black 
Mask, as well as four sequels to Once Up- 
on a Time. 

PLAYBOY caught up with Jet Li as he 
finished work on The One. The interview 
was done in Mandarin Chinese. "I am 
glad to be interviewed by an Americ 
who can speak Chinese," Jet said. “1 
would not be able to express myself in 
depth othervise. Many people don't un- 
derstand my way of thinking." 

PLAYBOY: You didn't start wushu training 
until you were eight years old. Four 
years later, you won China's national wu- 
shu competitions, beating masters who 
had studied for 10 or 20 years. How was 
that possible? 

jer: From the viewpoint of Buddhism, 1 
believe in reincarnation and karma. 1 
believe I learned wushu before—in my 
past life. I must have brought something 
with me to this life. This didn't happen 
just to me. For instance, Mozart com- 
posed music at five years old. Many chil- 
dren can't even read at that age. How 


could he possess such talent? Maybe his 
soul was nurtured in music in his past 
life. 1 probably have genes that allow me 
to learn things quickly, especially phys- 
ical techniques. But I also learn the in- 
ner energy or feclings behind the move- 
ments. I think the reason I could win 
was because people could feel my punch 
was different from other people's punch- 
es—they could see the energy released 
from inside. 

PLAYBOY: The director of Lethal Weapon 4, 
Richard Donner, says your techniques 
were so fast that Mel Cibson couldn't sec 
your punches, and he had to memorize 
the fight scenes to know which way to 
throw his body. 

Jer: In general, those who have not 
learned martial arts use various mech- 
anisms to make them appear fast. But 
when a martial artist achieves a certain 
level of skill, his techniques are extreme- 
ly fast. When I worked with Mel Gibson, 
if I punched seven times, he saw may- 
be two. 

PLAYBOY: Was the director afraid that you 
might hurt Mel? 

JET: The director asked me not to hurt 
him. Actually, he asked me to guarantee 
that 1 would not hurt him—he was 
afraid he wouldn't be able to complete 
the movie if I injured him. I told him 1 
could guarantee that. I have been prac- 
ticing martial arts and making movies 
for so many years that 1 have complete 
control 
PLAYBOY: You've filmed more than 30 
movies. Lethal Weapon 4 was the first in 
which you played the bad guy. Were you 
worried? 

зет: When you play a part in a movie, 
you have to think as if you are the char- 
acter. No bad guy thinks of himself as the 
bad guy. He just thinks he is doing what 
he has to do. 

PLAYBOY: That philosophy seems to have 
paid off. 

JET: Yes, nearly everyone I have worked 
with has become my good friend. They 
know I am serious and persistent with 
my work. They also know I am not only 
an actor—1 do a lot of work behind the 
scenes. For instance, originally my char- 
acter in Lethal Weapon 4 had only a cou- 
ple of scenes. But I persuaded the direc- 
tor to add a few more. As a result, the 
character has more continuity through- 
out the movie. The producer, Joel Silver, 
and I worked well together, and that led 
to Romeo Must Die. Now we are collabo- 
rating on another film, First King. 
PLAYBOY: Romeo Must Die was the first 
kung-fu movie to make an explicit con- 
nection with hip-hop. African Americans 
have always had a great appreciation of 
Hong Kong movies, and kung fu plays а 
big role for many rap musicians, like Wu- 
Tang Clan. Why do you think this is? 

JET: I think it is related to American his- 
tory and culture. I've been told by Afri- 
can Ameri friends that in the Sixties 
and Seventies, black people didn't feel 


they were part of mainstream American 
society. So when they saw Asians—an- 
other people with a little color in their 
faces—beating up white people on film, 
they felt they could identify with them. 
This is just what I've heard—1 don't ful- 
ly understand what people think in this 
society. I think nowadays American teen- 
agers—both black and white—really like 
kung-fu movies. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that there is a lot of 
Mafia involvement in the Hong Kong 
film industry? 

JET: In the early Nineties, after I made 
Once Upon a Time in China, Hong Kong 
had a resurgence of traditional martial 
arts movies. The trend was so prevalent 
that almost anyone could make money 
from it. Organized crime, secing there 
was money involved, also started to 
make movies. Pretty soon the market got 
saturated. When there were no more 
profits to be made, organized crime left. 
Only the ones who really loved movies 
stayed. 

PLAYBOY: Some people joke that Holly- 
wood producers are more terrifying to 
work for than the Hong Kong triads 
What do you think? 

Jet: [Laughs] I haven't worked with that 
many producers yet, so I don't really 
know their thinking. Based on my un- 
derstanding of yin and yang, I believe 
there are probably two kinds of produc- 
ers. One loves the story first and then 
he makes the movie. The other type es- 
timates how much profit he can make 
first, then he makes the movie. 

PLAYBOY: What is the biggest difference 
between making movies in Hong Kong 
and Hollywood? 

1ЕТ: Making movies in Hong Kong is like 
а small family business. There are two 
brothers in the Hong Kong movic fami- 
ly. One says, “I want to make a movie.” 
The other replies, "Why make this one?” 
The first brother replies, “Because this 
type of movie is popular now.” And the 
other brother says, "OK." After two 
weeks, they begin to make the movie. In 
America, the family is huge. Ifyou want 
to make a movie, you first ask if moth- 
er agrees, then father, then uncle, then 
grandmother, then grandfather, then 
brother-in-law. then siblings—you have 
to get everyone's consent. The prepara- 
tion takes two years before you can ac- 
tually start. In a big family you have to 
please everyone before you can do the 
things you want 

PLAYBOY: Your historical, costume-drama 
martial arts movies, like Shaolin Temple 
and Once Upon a Time in China, are gen- 
erally considered much more successful 
than the ones set in modern times. Why 
is that? 

JET: It is easier for me to show my 
strengths in traditional movies, like the 
ability to use traditional martial arts weap- 
ons. Also, not many people know how to 
fight with bagua, tai chi, xing yi or other 
traditional wushu styles. In modern mov- 


ies, there are fighting scenes that a tal- 
ented actor without a martial arts back- 
ground can learn to do in three months. 
But in traditional movies, the audience 
can tell the difference. 

PLAYBOY: À fight scene in a Hong Kong 
movie lasts 10 or 15 minutes and the 
movements are complicated. Can Amer- 
ican audiences get used to this type of 
thing? Are the martial arts techniques 
you use in American movies the same as 
those you use in Hong Kong movies? 
зет: Everybody used to think that flying 
scenes should be eliminated and fight 
scenes should not last too long; other- 
wise, American audiences would be 
turned off. But Crouching Tiger, Hidden 
Dragon changed all that. American audi- 
ences seem to be able to enjoy the flying 
scenes—regarding them as romantic— 
as well as long, noisy fight scenes. So I 
think the most important thing is how 
you set up the story for the audience. 
As for the techniques, there are some ac- 
tion movements which we in Asia think 
are out of style because we have done 
them so often, yet those are exactly what 


American audiences want to see. The 
martial arts techniques in The Matrix, for 
example, are not new, but the feelings 
are very creative. 

PLAYBOY: Speaking of The Matrix, why did 
you turn down a role in the sequel? 

Jet: The Matrix was successful without me 
it, so I believe Matrix 2 and 3 will also 
be successful—even if I am not in them. 
Why don't we give the audience more 
choices, more options? If you put me, 
Jackie Chan and Michelle Yeoh in The 
Matrix and spend 11 months to make it, 
by the time the movie is released it will 
be one and a half years later. And dur- 
ing this one and a half years, audiences 
won't have other movies to watch. This 
way, audiences can watch Rush Hour 2 
and Kiss of the Dragon, and they will still 
have The Matrix as well. 

PLAYBOY: How is your new movie, Kiss of 
the Dragon, different from your other 
Hollywood films? 

Because Romeo Must Die was my first 
starring role in an American movie, 1 
wasn't sure what kind of action or mar- 
tial arts sequences the audiences would 


"I agreed to watch one porno with him and now we only 
have sex on the pool table." 


149 


PLAYBOY 


150 


want to see. So we tried a little of every- 
thing: some practical, some funny, some 
with wires and special effects. People 
who had never seen any of my movies 
thought Romeo Must Die was good fun. 
But my hard-core fans— like to use the 
Internet to learn directly what my fans 
think—did not like the humorous fight 
scenes or the wire tricks. In general, 
they'd like to see more movies like Fist of 
Legend: straight, no cable stuff, all full- 
size body fighting. This is not something 
that can be done by many actors—on- 
ly those who really know martial arts. 
So I decided to make Kiss of the Dragon 
that way. 

PLAYBOY: When you were a young man, 
you lived in Beijing, where there were 
rolling blackouts. Now you live in Cali- 
fornia, and there is a shortage of electric- 
ity. Wherever you go there seems to be a 
problem with electrici 
JET: [Laughs] It is a strange coincidence. 
PLAYBOY: Based on your experience, how 
would you advise Californians to deal 
with the problem? 

JEt: When I was young, in the Seventies, 
there was not much economic progress 
in China as a result of the Cultural Rev- 
olution, so the electricity was not suffi- 
cient. Back then, the way we dealt with it 
was by rotating: Monday you don't have 
power, Tuesday 1 don't have power. Ev- 
erybody was in the dark once a week. 
Here in California, hopefully, everybody 
will realize that even if you can afford it, 
you shouldn't overconsume electricity. If 
people are considerate of others, they 
will automatically cut down on usage. 


PLAYBOY: Would you ever be interested in 
running for office? After all, you under- 
stand how to deal with blackouts. 

ger: [Laughing] 1 have no interest in pol- 
itics. If I'd had an interest, 1 could have 
become a politician when I was young. 
In China if you are successful profes- 
sionally, the government likes to train 
you to become a leader of a deparument. 
Instead, I became interested in promot- 
ing wushu, and that's what 1 have been 
doing. In 1988, 1 found out that there 
was going to be a category of wushu in 
the Asian Sports Convention, to be held 
in Beijing in 1990, so 1 decided to leave 
China. At that point 1 felt my new mis- 
sion was to bring wushu to the Olympics, 
so I endeavored to promote it through 
my movies. Many people from Hong 
Kong think I am out of style. “Why both- 
er to promote wushu? Make moncy and 
be a star." But 1 am persistent: Wushu 
raised me. I've found out that if China 
hosts the Olympics in 2008, there is a 
possibility that wushu will be a category. 
PLAYBOY: If this happens, will you be 
helping out? 

jet: No. I don't want to be the one who 
collects the flowers; 1 want to be the one 
who plants the seeds. When they bloom, 
others can reap the harvest. I feel my 
next step is to share a message with ev- 
erybody, through movies and ТУ, about 
how to live on the earth with other 
human beings, how to reduce the suf- 
ferings of Ше, how to understand the 
reality of the world. This is what moti- 
vates me the most right now; otherwise, 
1 would have retired already. I wanted to 


“Wow, Senators! That's what 1 call a wonderful 
display of bipartisanship!” 


retire in 1997 to study Buddhism, but 
then I met my teacher. He said to me, 
“You can't become a monk, nor can you 
stop working.” He made me realize that 
1 should apply the methods I used in 
promoting wushu to bring a new mes- 
sage to people. So I began to study books 
of Buddhism and put aside my books 
of English. On my website (jet-li.com), I 
talk about yin and yang and how to help 
pcople understand one another. If the 
Chinese people try to understand Amer- 
ican culture and American history, for 
example, there will be better communi- 
cations. If Americans work to under- 
stand how the Chinese people think, 
they will realize that the Chinese are not 
a people looking to start fights with oth- 
er countries. 

PLAYBOY: So what you want most is to 
share what you have learned studying 
Buddhism? 

JET: Yes. Though Buddhism is not the 
only means. There are many other reli- 
gions, and they all have the same idea. 1 
believe religions are like several famous 
universities. Although they use different 
methods to teach, they have the same 
goal: to tell you how to become a kind 
person, a loving person, how to use your 
selfless mind to care about others. 
Whether the end is heaven, hell or rein- 
carnation is not the issue. 

PLAYBOY: People worry that in the future 
the U.S. and China may become ene- 
mies. You have met many U.S. presi- 
dents—Nixon, Ford and Carter. If you 
had a chance to offer advice to Presi- 
dent Bush about China, what would you 
tell him? 

ДЕТ: No person, no family, no country is 
100 percent perfect. China has many 
flaws, but it also has many strengths. 
Americans have to understand our histo- 
ry. Before Teng Hsiao-p'ing's reform, 
China was a closed country with some 
extreme policies. But it has undertaken 
dramatic changes in the past 20 years; 
its policies are very close to those of the 
Western world. It has accepted almost 
everything from the West, good and 
bad. There аге only a few exceptions, 
like propaganda and one-party control. 
But you can't expect China to becomc 
just like the U.S. in such a short time. 
China's 5000-ycar history will not allow 
that to happen. Besides, with such a 
huge population, it will take many years 
for China gradually to become rich and 
strong. People have to be educated to 
understand laws and obey them. But if 
they don't have enough to cat, how can 
they care about laws and rights? China 
has made great progress, and it will con- 
tinue to make great progress if the rest 
of the world will try to understand Chi- 
na's current situation and be patient 
With mutual understanding and com- 
passion, there will be peace. 


KRASSNER 


(continued from page 118) 
potty.” Young Swedish men comply, he 
says, out of a sense of justice. In other 
words, they don’t feel it is right that they 
should have the sole advantage of a fire- 
and-forget physique. Does this sound 
like science fiction? Ironically, in the sci- 
ence-fiction film Gattaca, Ethan Hawke's 
character alters his identity, which in- 
cludes changing from a left-hander to 
a right-hander. But his cover is blown 
when a bathroom monitor notices that 
he still urinates by holding his penis with 
his left hand. The crux of that movie de- 
pends on his standing at a urinal. 

However, 1 discovered a flaw in this 
line of reasoning. Here is how I urinate, 
and I assume it's generally true of right- 
handed men who wear briefs. 1 unzip 
with my right hand. Pull open my fly with 
my left hand. Grab my underwear with 
my right hand, pulling it over my geni- 
tals and holding onto it while I urinate 
by holding my penis with my left hand 

But consider if there were no urinals. 
Imagine what would happen to the man- 
ufacturers of urinal accoutrements, such 
as those pastel marzipan deodorizers 
and the rubber bull's-eye pads with urine- 
draining holes and messages like: The 

sile Missed Its Target! 


Lost to the culture forever would be 


that unspoken ritual we men practice at 
urinals: leaving about six feet of space 
between the first person who's waiting to 
take a leak—say, after a movie—and the 
guy who's actually pi 
nce only while waiting to use 


How would the new order affect ran- 
dom drug testing? What would happen 
with those men who have been pissing 
drug-free urine through a plastic tube? 
Or through a plastic penis in case the 
drug tester stands too close? 

Even then, you have to be careful. In 
San Antonio, a man was caught using a 
fake penis while being tested for drugs 
by his parole officers. The telltale signs 
were the bleached-pink appearance of 
the penis and the fact that the urine 
came out in a sprinkler-like fashion. The 
giveaway came when he fumbled his or- 
gan and it fell to the floor. 

Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy is planning 
to replace urinals on the surface fleet 
with unisex toilets. Paul Richter report- 
ed in the Los Angeles Times that it’s con- 
sidered “a way to make warships sweeter 
smelling and more comfortable for to- 
day's ans, diverse crews.” This 
commode is called the Stainless Sanitary 
Space System. 

Within the next few years, the Navy 
will be moving full steam ahead— 
3000 heads (as the Navy still likes to call 


them) will be converted to ultramodern 


stainless steel modular superbathrooms. 
With no crevices or seams, they'll be easy 
to clean and female friendly (which is 
good news to the 13 percent of the Navy 
who are women). 

Sadly, urinals have enemies among 
men, too. Ultra-efficient naval experts 
look at a urinal and see an engineering 
disaster—urinals on ships use less water 
and therefore stink up the place much 
more than standard toilets. Then there 
is the ugly overspray problem. Nothing 
corrodes flooring and walls like a sailor 
with lousy aim. Mineral buildup often 
blocks plumbing, which is costly to fix 
or replace. Conversely, while our Navy 
spends $561 million on unisex com- 
modes, a less expensive South African 
invention takes a different tack by en- 
abling women to urinate standing up. 

The Eezeewee, described as "a reus- 
able device with a shaped plastic cup and 
a length of pipe,” has taken six years to 
develop and is already patented in 106 
countries. Stephan Odendaal, manag- 
ing director of Mouldmed, the company 
that invented the device, says it “will be 
invaluable for women who are traveling, 
hiking, camping, fishing, sailing, skiing 
or bedridden. Having a wee has never 
been so easy.” 

Just wait until the Swedes find out 
about that, 


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152 


COLOMBIA 


(continued from page 70) 
follow me intensely with their eyes. As 
soon as I get into my friend's car, they all 
get up at once and jump into their Mer- 
cedes. Aleja ran to the phone to warn all 
my friends, who desperately searched 
for me throughout the neighborhood 
with the help of the police before finding 
те ап hour later, calmly seated in a dark 
corner of thc Cafe Berlin. Without real- 
we had taken such an unexpect- 
ed route to go so close by that no one 
could have followed us. Or else nobody 
was following us and the whole thing was 
an eflect of the pervading paranoia. 


MANRIQUE 


"Two scenes in the movie take place in 
Manrique, a neighborhood that, because 
of the La Terraza gang, has become one 
of the city's most dangerous. Papa Gio- 
vanni has organized protection for us so 
we can scout the neighborhood, but 1 re- 
alize immediately that even he is ill at 
ease. He introduces us to a 22-year-old 
gang boss, a survivor, slightly fat, crew 
cut, blue, unblinking eyes. He never, 
ever looks anyone in the сус. Very calm, 
his gestures measured. You get the feel- 
ing that he is staring at piles of corpses 
behind the person he is speaking to. He 
never smiles. Even Eduardo, who's very 
funny and who is used to this kind of 
character, can't make him laugh. There's 
another guy who laughs nervously all 
the time—the gang leader's henchman, 
a sicario (hired assassin), dark: ncd 
and full of In veiled terms, always 
laughing, allusively, he brags about be- 
ing bad, something about a chain saw. 
We wanted nothing to do with it, we 
wished we'd never met them, we want 


them to forget they ever knew us. 

We go all over the neighborhood. 1 
discover another side to the gangster's 
personality: He tries to pick up all the 
girls by giving them orders—"You. come 
over here!" —or by complimenting them 
while making lewd noises. Sometimes 
the killer joins in. The girls, even very 
young ones, already know it's dangerous 
to react in the slightest way and keep 
walking. The gang boss seems extremely 
intelligent, asks the right questions. He 
must have graduated magna cum laude 
from crime school and gets involved on- 
ly in major hits. In passing, he wants to 
know how much the film equipment we 
brought is worth. 

We won't set foot in Manrique again 
and we won't ever ask Papa Giovanni to 
show us around another neighborhood 
that isn't his. 

Asa goodwill gesture at the end of the 
day we take them for fried chicken to 
Mario's, the fast-food place in front of 
Carlos Gardel's house. When it is time 
for the gang boss to get his wages he tells 
us in a terrifying tone: "I'm very curious 
to find out how much you think гт 
worth." While Eduardo is writing the 
amount on a receipt, I say, "I think he's 
only putting down zeros." Phew! I've fi- 
nally managed to make him laugh. 

As we get ready to leave the restaurant. 
the gang boss doubles back to replace 
the chairs at our table in perfect order, 
like a meticulous maniac, as if we had 
never been there. 


THE BOMB 


I have the awful feeling the country 
will once again be the focus of world me- 
dia because of this booby-trapped car 
filled with 100 kilograms of dynamite 
that killed 12 people the day before yes- 


“TU be late tonight, dear, the employee grievance 
committee is meeting.” 


terday. Though in fact we weren't in any 
danger, as the bomb was aimed at a mili- 
tary target we never even get close to. 
We take detours to avoid passing by po- 
lice stations. The flower festival began 
yesterday. The bullring was empty for 
the bullfight—lack of advertising, bomb- 
related trauma—and the rejoneador (a 
bullfighter on horseback) couldn't fight: 
His horses were kidnapped yesterday on 
the Bogotá-Medellín highway. 


THE FRENCHMAN FLEES IN PANIC 


A hard blow today, certainly not the 
last, and I can't help laughing about it. 
My production manager, who had left 
for Paris for a few days, has just pulled 
out; he doesn't want to come back as 
planned—he was too scared here and 
didn't dare tell me. He gave me the key 
to his locker when he left. 1 have just 
opened it: practically empty, his treason 
was premeditated! From now on, I will 
be the only foreigner on the crew 

EXCHANGING MONEY 

A weekly ordeal. The Banco Comer- 
cial has the best rate and anyone who has 
large sums of money to exchange goes 
there. You also always run into at least 
three motorcycles with suspicious-look- 
ing teenagers: clean-cut, American-style, 
baseball cap, short-sleeve shirt or jack- 
et, blue jeans and sneakers. This often 
means “ready to kill," and there's also of- 
ten a policeman who keeps watch over 
all this and asks them for their papers. 
We get a cab to drop us off, but it can't 
stop in front of the bank or next to it as 
the motorcycles do. It has to go around 
the block until we exit with the money, 
which Eduardo (who also has his gun) 
and I have split evenly between us. 

"The first person we see upon entering 
is а uniformed guard with his finger on 
the trigger of an enormous pistol. Fur- 
ther in we see another guard wi 
cial deluxe shotgun, and finally, 
the back, next to the teller where we ex- 
change the greenbacks, a mini-Uzi held 
by an utterly motionless guard, his jaws 
clenched. Like all the others, һе has his 
finger on the trigger. 

Ап endless wait while the cashier 
counts the piles of bills twice. Right next 
to us a long lineup for current accounts. 
Everyone's favorite pastime: to stare and 
to scrutinize every detail, every gesture 
of the few people lined up at the dollar 
exchange window. 

When we exit, the tension mounts by 
a notch. Eduardo waits outside while I 
stand inside. We're never lucky enough 
to have our chauffeur (an ex-cop who 
borrowed a cab) come around at the 
right time. Again, we have to wait 

But the worst has yet to come. lt hap- 
pens when we drive off, the two of us 
looking intently out the rcar window to 
spot any suspicious motorcycles. We al- 
so have to watch for cars, and then go 


through a maze of deserted streets to 
make sure no onc is following us before 
emerging suddenly onto a highway and 
taking the next exit. But there are mo- 
torbikes everywhere. It's not surprising 
the French production manager left; he 
had to live through this at least twice. I'll 
be glad when we have a reliable local 
production company open an account, 
something strictly forbidden to foreign- 
ers to prevent money laundering. 


ANDERSON BLU: 


HES 


Eduardo can read people by observ- 
ing little details. He is in the front seat of 
the car and feels a thief looking at his 
Nike watch. That's Anderson, sitting in 
the backseat beside me. Later, at the res- 
taurant, he catches a glance again that 
lasted for a fraction of a second and tells 
him, gesturing as if he were taking off 
his watch: “You want it?” Anderson turns 
bright red. Very sexy. 


TODO BIEN 


Two serious problems the day before 
yesterday. We lost the most important, 
irreplaceable location—the apartment 
the film takes place in—and two bikers 
caught up to our driver and threw a 
crumpled paper ball into the car, a note 
that read: LOS PPS QUEREMOS AL MONO 
TODO BIEN (the PPs want the foreigner, 
everything's all right). In Colombia re- 
cciving a note like this is often a death 
sentence. On the bright side, we think 
it's from a gang into extortion and not 
kidnapping. The dark side: It’s only the 
beginning, something else could fol- 
low—like sorneone firing shots at the car 
or the house. Today we are meeting with 
one of the country's top security ana- 
lysts, who suspects the chauffeur. We are 
waiting for the results of the writing 
samples. Anyway, without telling the se- 
curity specialist (you really can't trust 
anyone), we have also established dis- 
creet contact with the police chief. Start- 
ing tomorrow he is lending us two cops 
armed to the teeth, dressed as civili. 
who will follow me in their car as soon as 
1 leave my new home, which will be a 
true fortress. Officially, I will keep living 
at the same address. 1 will never travel 
twice in a row in the same car; my driv- 
ers will also be security guards. On loca- 
tion, starting tomorrow for the outdoor 
rehearsals, there will always be an ar- 
mored car ready to take me away. 


BODYGUARDS 


I don't enjoy my new life with body- 
guards but I maintain my perspective on 
things; it seems I'm a level-seven risk (on 
a scale of 10). In any case it certainly im- 
presses my young actor, Anderson, who 
spends his days and part of his nights 
with me. My bodyguards are two young 
policemen, no more than 24 years old. 
I am in permanent radio contact with 
them by means of a combination cellular 
phone, beeper and radio. If someone 


suspicious like the Prince approaches 
and speaks to me, I press a little button 
and the whole security corps listens in on 
our conversation. My bodyguards carry 
guns, mini-Uzis and changones (sawed-off 
hunting rifles). 

The first, Reinaldo, is short, dark- 
skinned and fat, and the other, Lisandro, 
nny, blond and good-looking. 

Lisandro has decided to become my 
friend, and he's very forward. He even 
went so far as to ask me to lend him my 
apartment in New York. The day before 
yesterday he asked me if 1 like Antio- 
quian food. Only a complete Боот would 
have said no, so I said yes, and besides, I 
actually do. He then asked me if I want- 
ed to have lunch at his place the follow- 
ing day. He insists I go alone. which has 
made me experience a horrible inner 
conflict and led me to think about it in 
four ways: 

(1) It's a trap—every kidnapping story 
involves a cop. 

(2) I have to go—it's the least 1 can do 
for someone I make follow my rhythm of 
no morc than six hours' sleep per day. 

(3) I have no reason to feel obligated— 
he's the one who's exaggerating by put- 
ting me in this situation. 

(4) Im naturally curious. 

Number four eventually won out. A 
family atmosphere with a dash of para- 
militarism. At lcast five statues of the Vir- 
. I now know all the technical details 
about the manufacture of homemade 
guerrilla bombs. 


THE TRAGEDIES OF YOUNG ACTORS 


Anderson hadn't told us about his re- 
cent problems with the law: He's wanted 
for kidnapping and armed assault. We 
try to soften up the judge. In one of the 
cases they'd taken а cabdriver hostage, 
but the taxi had an alarm system that 
paralyzed the vehicle after 15 minute: 
Anderson and his friends found them- 
selves in the countryside in the middle of 
the night with a mob of taxi drivers (all 
communicating through their radios) 
who were about to lynch them; they 
were saved by the police, who then filed 
charges against them. 


EXECUTION 


Papa Giovanni helps us enter the Dia- 
mante commune. Yesterday, just after 
we parted company, he was having a 
beer with his friend Olman who in the 
film was going to play the part of the At- 
tacker. A man slowly passed behind Ol- 
man and shot him in the head. He left 
just as slowly. The bullet, which could ve 
wounded Giovanni, didn't exit but it cre- 
ated a lump on Olman's forehead before 
he dropped dead onto the table. Giovan- 
ni is deeply grief stricken; he can't get 
over it. 


SHOOTING POSTPONED 


We were supposed to start shooting 
this Sunday. We had planned it a bit too 


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PLAYBOY 


tight as the cameras, delayed by H 
cane Floyd, only got here the day before 
yesterday. The plane was forced to land 
in New Jersey, and the whole cargo stood 
idle in hangars for five nights while the 
town was flooded. 

When the plane arrived in Bogotá the 
papers weren't with the shipment that 
had been stored overnight in a hangar. 
The next day the 34 parcels were there 
but their weight didn't correspond. 

When we opened the crates three of 
them were empty: The two cameras, the 
large high-definition monitor and all the 
lenses (the best ones, the ones hardest to 
find) had disappeared. 

Almost $200,000 worth. The insur- 
ance will reimburse only 80 percent of it. 
We might have to use part of the budget 
to cover the loss. We hope to be able 
to start next Sunday with lower-quality 
lenses. 

On the bright side: We now have a bit 
more time to prepare. The mystery: Are 
the thieves American or Colombian, and 
what project will someday be filmed with 
the equipment? 


DESECHABLES 


An incredible scene last night in the 
Church of San Antonio: We had 50 basu- 
queros come in, the local equivalent, but 
much worse, of crackheads. Some peo- 
ple here call them desechables, or dispos- 
ables, individuals you can throw away 
uals you can do without. 
They're wild-eyed and uncontrollable, 
talking and playing nonstop like small 
children. They sort of took over and we 
adjusted. 

Before the shoot the wardrobe man- 
ager was taking pictures for continuity. 


um 


One of the basuqueros appoints himself 
as their spokesperson to tell me they 
were scared, that they thought we were 
drawing up lists to have them killed. 

Locking themselves in the confes- 
sional to sniff glue from plastic bags. 
Sprawled on the ground to smoke. Can- 
dles and incense smoke all around. The 
camera takes a bird's-eye shot of all thi 
and ends up exiting through the main 
door to fly up along the facade. 

Juan David, who plays Wilmar, came 
by to see us. He's very religious and 
cried out that we were all going to be 
excommunicated. 

The church guard was worried that 
the priests, who had gone to bed at 9:30, 
would wake up and kick us out. Every- 
thing went well and we left the church 
cleaner than it had ever been. No one 
can believe what went on last night; it 
now seems it was nothing but a dream. 


‘THE POWER OF REAL WEAPONS, 


Alter using very well made copies, I 
found out that using real guns puts my 
young actors into a trance. Their eyes 
shine, they're much more concentrated 
and play their roles much more serious- 
ly. This, of course, complicates the secu- 
rity issue but in some cases it's worth it. I 
sometimes even go so far as to let them 
carry guns though they're not visible in 
the scene. 


MORGUE 


Today the morgue, and to top it all 
off, not enough bodies to fill 17 tables. 
T-shirts, sneakers and jeans are placed 
over the bodies for identification. 

I'm not at all troubled —it astonish- 
es me—being there and arranging the 


"I don't have any money. I'm a mullet.” 


corpses as if they were extras. It only 
makes me feel like dancing and enjoying 
life more that same night. 


POOL HALL SCENE 


I found out just before shooting there 
that the pool hall I had chosen with the 
red walls and a Mary Help of Christians 
statue is actually an oficina, a place where 
you hire assassins. It is, according to my 
bodyguards, the best-known spot for this 
sort of transaction. And Га asked the 
young regulars to be contacted as extras! 
A shoot that was supposed to be cut- 
and-dried ended up being very tense. 
We had to make certain that the boss or 
patrons wouldn't overhear any of the 
dialogue. 

Me were very lucky with the Dead Boy 
character. I didn't know when I hired 
this boy to play death personified that 
he had two tattoos: a skull on his right 
shoulder and a grim reaper on the left. 
He's in a rock band called the Erect 
Penises. 

YESTERDAY 

Last night two corpses were found on 
the first assistant's doorstep, five blocks 
away from here in the rich, quiet Laure- 
les neighborhood where we all live. The 
owner of a car and a thief had shot each 
other to death. 

Yesterday our accountant was assault- 
ed upon his return from the bank with 
an envelope full of cash. Two gunsling- 
ing youngsters on a motorbike followed 
him from the bank and asked him to 
hand over the envelope. The accountant 
hesitated; they asked him if he wanted to 
die. It lasted all of two seconds in front of 
a dozen witnesses. They would've shot 
him without hesitation—it's one of their 
rules of conduct to maintain the level of 
danger and terror. 


GUNSHOTS ON LA PLAYA 


Looking for peace and quiet, we film 
violent street scenes early on Sunday 
mornings. In front of the Fine Arts 
Building there's a shoot-out between 
Alexis and two guys who lose control of 
their motorcycle. They crash against a 
car and, as they fly through the air, they 
get pelted with bullets before falling 
dead on the roof of the car. I always try 
to avoid firing blanks in scenes so we 
don't traumatize the population, who al- 
ready hear enough gunshots every day. 
Sometimes, though, it's impossible to get 
good reactions from the extras without 
firing blanks. Such is the case for three 
shots that day. Soon after the first gun- 
shots are fired, I see several people all 
dressed in white walking down La Playa 
Avenue where we're filming. 1 imme- 
diately know they're not extras. Гуе 
banned tvo colors in the film: white for 
technical videotaping reasons and or- 
ange for aesthetic ones (which makes us 
have to unscrew or cover in gray the hor- 
rible orange plastic trash cans that аге 


hung throughout the city). For each take, 
we reload the revolvers and add blood, 
and when I turn around there are a few 
more people in white; they're all walk- 
ing in the same direction without stop- 
ping, observing us strangely. We finally 
figure it out: They're peace marchers. 
Today, for the first time, in every city in 
the country, crowds of people in white 
are demonstrating that they're sick and 
tired of violence. A memorable date. 
When I was a child here it was also a 
matter of colors: The “blues” and the 
“reds” were killing each other by the 
thousands. We had to twist my parrot's 
neck because it kept repeating: “I’m 
dressed in green but I'm a red [liberal]." 
We couldn't give him away or let him 
loose: He might have caused a massacre 
in any house he would have landed in. 


А NEW STRATEGY 


1 found out last night from a police 
source that the guerrillas have put out a 
call for hostages in the criminal under- 
ground—they'll pay $1000 cash for any 
foreigner. It's a new strategy to replace 
that of the pescas milagrosas (miraculous 
catches), which had fallen out of favor. 
A strategy similar to the one Pablo Esco- 
bar adopted eight years ago when he of- 
fered the same price for each murdered 
policeman. My bodyguards are nervous. 
"They can't take it easy anymore. 

Still, there was a miraculous catch the 
night before last on the road that joins 
the town of R. to the road to the airport. 
For once, the police tried to intervene: 
two dead among their ranks but only 
four people taken hostage. 

The guerrillas are among us, in the 
city, and they're given a monthly salary 
(unemployment exceeds 20 percent). 
They steal vehicles, put on uniforms at 
the last minute, raise blockades, capture 
the hostages who interest them after 
having stripped others of any valuables. 
They find out who is of interest to them 
on the spot using computers linked to 
the Internet and take the selected hos- 
tages to some nearby place where other 
stolen vans wait to carry them off to 
mountainous areas in the jungle. In the 
best of cases, hostages are freed six to 
eight months later, after several pay- 
ments have been made. One thing is cer- 
tain: Taking into account that on every 
front things are getting worse, it would 
be impossible to make this film here a 
year from now. Unless there is a miracle, 
and peace takes hold overnight. Nobody 
believes that will happen. Anyone who 

is thinking of settling abroad. 


GOD'S INFAMY 


That's what Fernando sees in the eyes 
of a smalll child sniffing glue. The child 
lost his mother two months before the 
filming of this scene. She sold basuco in 
Barrio Triste for 300 pesos a dose (25 
cents). The gangs who control the trade 
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(eight cents). She refused to make her 
customers pay more. Executed. 


HORSES BRANDED EIGHT 


Yesterday we took a day's break to 
make up for the previous, sleepless night. 
So far it's been the only daylong break 
from filming that I haven't spent editing. 
I take advantage of the time off to take 
part in a great cavalcade on dream hors- 
es with 20 or so gentlemen from Antio- 
quia. That is, in any case, what they per- 
ceive themselves to be, as well as cowboys 
from a time when barbed wire didn't ex- 
ist, free and lawless but religious. All the 
horses were branded with an eight. They 
belonged to one of the Ochoa sisters and 
her husband, whom I got along with 
rather well, passing the aguardiente back 
and forth along the way. Two of the hus- 
band's brothers were killed by guerrillas, 
another kidnapped. He told me how he 
came to oppose the paso fino (special Co- 
lombian gait) because it isn't a gait a 
horse adopts naturally. According to 
him, it is an atrocity imposed by humans 
for their own comfort. He knew what he 
was talking about: Until a few years ago, 
he was the biggest breeder of Paso Fino 
horses in the world. 


THE FAKE AIWA 


We needed props, copies we could 
damage, an Aiwa sound system to throw 
out the window. It turns out prices are so 
low that it's three times cheaper to buy 
a real Aiwa sound system than to have 
a fake one made. A contraband Mont 
Blanc pen costs $90 on the black marker. 
The factory, the Mont Blanc headquar- 
ters, sold the same pen for $120. Mon- 
еу laundering. 1 go buy my wine at this 
strange house bustling with people, a 
discreet family dwelling in а working- 
class neighborhood next to ours. People 
run toit day and night to buy all kinds of 
alcohol at rock-bottom prices. Another 
money-laundering scheme. 


RIVERS OF BLOOD IN THE COMMUNES 


Today was a memorable day in the 
Diamante commune. The electricians’ 
truck couldn't make it to the location we 
had arranged high up in the neighbor- 
hood to get a view from above the gigan- 
tic staircase. Lots of illegal cables—wired 
to steal electricity, though it’s practically 
free in these neighborhoods—are hung 
so low across streets that a normal truck 
can't pass through. 

All the high-definition recording and 


transfer equipment is stored in the van, 
which is always followed by two guards 
on motorcycles wearing blue uniforms 
and bulleiproof vests and carrying sub- 
machine guns. Today they were utterly 
terrified. With reason, said my jeans- 
clad bodyguards, for these men were ir- 
resistible to groups who would kill to get 
their weapons. Upon their arrival the 
men in blue could relax a bit as there 
were eight policemen dressed in olive 
drab and armed to the teeth, be s 
the five we are used to having with us. 
During the shoot, an old lady who was 
passing by told me that we were quite 


justified in having protection as there 


had been a lot of real blood spilled in 
the neighborhood and that it was a wel- 
come change to sce a little fake blood she 
wouldn't have to worry about. 

"The most impressive part of the scene 
was when we made it rain blood over the 
neighborhood. The special-effects crew 
evidently made too much and we all got 
stained, our skin and our clothes, with 
red ink that wouldn't come off for three 
days. A normal movie rain shower that, 
at midtake, starts coming down twice as 
hard and turns red. The sky, the earth, 
cverything turns red and rivers of blood 


Уо ARE GolnG (e LEAVE ME 
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ARENT foug 


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PLAYBOY 


158 


begin to flow everywhere. The quebrada 
(stream) turns red and all the children 
start screaming for people to come out 
and see. 

If I had known, I would've taken a 
wide shot instead of the close-ups of feet 
walking down steps. The rivers of blood 
turn into a blood lagoon. It's my fi 
Luis Ospina’s team that has the best 
shots for the “making of" documentary. 
He was up їп а balcony. 

Everyone was moved by the image 
and symbolism. Especially the lady who 
lives in the house whose front yard was 
transformed into blood headquarters. 
We mixed the water and the pigment in 
her yard. She'd lost two of her eight 
sons, one of them at the age of 18, the 
other at 22, in the gun battles that take 
place every night and that you can hear 
as distant echoes in the downtown area 
of the city down below. She said it must 
be a sad moment in the film. I told her 
she had guessed right. 


THE SLEEPWALKING KILLERS 


Rohypnol is a kind of sleeping pill 
that was banned in Europe and the U.S. 
five or 10 years ago. If you don't go to 
sleep afier taking it you can still function 
but forget absolutely everything you've 
done. You can find it anywhere here on 
the black market, in large quantities and 
cheap. I don't know if Roche still manu- 
factures them or if they re copies. 

It's the assassins’ favorite drug as it al- 
lows them to feel unperturbed before 
and during a "job" and to forget about 
it afterward. They call them Roches or 
roaches or ruecas. 


HOLDUP 


We have an account at the Banco Pop- 
ular in Laureles, our neighborhood. Yes- 
terday there was a holdup. Some young 
men asked the teller to open his till. Hc 
explained to them that the security sys- 
tem prevented him from doing so. They 
sprayed him with gasoline and since he 
still didn't open it they lit him on fire. He 
died from his burns. No mention of this 
in the newspapers. 


THE ANGEL-FACED BODYGUARD IS 
NOT WHAT HE SEEMS 


We hear he has connections with the 
paramilitary and, after a silly argument, 
he threatened to kill one of the crew 
members after the film was finished. The 
latter had to abandon ship—it was in his 
best interest. In order not to create a se- 
curity breach one week before the end of 
the shoot, we've decided not to confront 
Leonardo, who, this morning, before I'd 
found out about his threats, made me 
promise not to refuse to be a witness at 
his wedding next June with a 17-year- 
old girl 1 met at the same time he did. I 
remember that, back then, I'd begged 
the future fiancée to be wary of men. 

Impotence and anger in the face of 
injustice. 

The atmosphere is stifling. 


ANDERSON, THE KISS 


Anderson coughs and spits all the 
time, very often out the window of the 
high-rise where we're shooting, raining 
gobs on passersby. A week ago he started 
spitting blood, something that worried 


"This isn't my idea of a double date!" 


our main actor very much, as he has to 
shoot a scene in which he kisses Ander- 
son on the mouth. The main actor de- 
manded medical tests. It proved impos- 
sible to find Anderson to obtain saliva 
and mucus samples on three consecutive 
days as he is always out partying and nev- 
er showing up at home. On one occasion 
he was two hours late for a scene. 

After we managed to drag him to the 
hospital three days ina row (tuberculosis 
tests negative), I had to show him myself 
how to kiss Germán; I also had to set 
up a situation where. at the moment of. 
shooting, the crew all bet some money to 
darc him to do his kiss properly. When 
he saw the bills pile up he got self-con- 
scious and was forced to do the scene. 
He collected more than 200,000 pesos 
($100), which he then hid in the apart- 
ment. After smoking one of his enor- 
mous joints, he forgot where he'd stashed 
the money. 


LAST DAY 


Our last day of shooting. We were sup- 
posed to start at 10 am. on a set built in 
a warehouse. The entrance hall of the 
morgue. Nothing is ready: А door and 
some fluorescent lights are missing. We 
wait around, and finally at six PM. the 
door arrives. It's too big. The lights have 
yet to be installed; we don't have a tall 
enough ladder on hand. We end up 
filming at nine PM. with no fluorescent 
lights, only the regular film lights, a sin- 
gle complex shot. It's the last scene we're 
shooting as well as one of the film's last 
four scenes. We luckily never ran across 
these kinds of problems during the rest 
of the shoot. We just had to end it all on 
a slightly Colombian note. Overall, the 
crew I had the chance to work with was 
well up to international standards. 

Emotions ran high when the cham- 
pagne began to flow and things that had 
been left unsaid came out into the open: 
During the shoot, everyone had thought 
I was totally crazy to have tried to make 
this film. Now they would have to return 
to the hard reality of a country on the 
brink of disaster without ever being able 
to forget these past seven weeks. Neither 
will I. I don't think I will ever again take 
part in such an emotionally charged and 
dramatic shoot. 

Driving home at two Ам. on the de- 
serted highway, 1 hear three gunshots at 
the back of the vehicle: One of my giddy 
bodyguards is firing into the air. 

Later he will try to justify this by say- 
ing a large car with six shady guys ap- 
proached us at high speed and that he 
chased them away by firing. Eduardo is 
certain he didn't see a car. I'm not so 
sure. We'll never know. A typically Co- 
lombian experience: to become less sure 
how real what you see and hear is. 


NORA'S SISTER 


ister (Vallejo's sister-in-law) 
was assassinated by a pair of men on a 


motorbike last week. They first wounded 
her; she managed to escape, but they 
caught up with her two blocks away. She 
was 42, had always stuck to her princi- 
ples and worked for the Envigado ci 
administration. She was fighting ag 
mob influence and had just been picked 
as a candidate for the elections in this 
municipality, which had been in the 
hands of Pablo Escobar for a long time 
The citizens are asking Nora to take her 
place. She is now beginning to receive 
threatening phone calls. She no longer 
excludes the option of leaving the coun- 
try with her family, something unthink- 
able a few months ago. 


EIGHTEEN MUSH 


ANS’ WAGES. 


The wonderful musicians at our clos- 
ing-day party—most of them elderly 
men who live modestly and don't have 
bank accounts, sometimes months going 
by before they get booked for a show— 
were dealt a hard blow today. Their 
boss went to the bank to cash our checl 
He went home with the 18 musicians’ 
wages and on his doorstep he was held 
up by several young men who had 
followed him. 


CHRISTMAS 


Christmas is coming and everyone in 
town is obsessed with one thing: offe 
à nice Christmas celebration to their 
families. At any cost. And so the closer we 
get to this fateful date, the more the 
crime rate will increase—to the point of 
doubling. It's a tradition. 

What also changes with the coming 
of Christmas is the evening soundtrack. 
I had gotten used to hearing gunshots 
every night, whether nearby or in the 
distance. The gunshots now blend in 
with an orgy of firecrackers that increas- 
es with cvery passing day. 

The lighting is also excessive. Already, 
over the past two wecks, thousands of 
multicolored bulbs have been strung up 
in all of the city's trees. [can’t help think- 
ing they might be the last lights we'll see 
for a long time. Over the past month 
the guerrillas have blown up 45 electri 
cal towers. Only 10 have been rebi 
the others are in places too dangerous to 
get to. We're on the brink of rationing 
or worse. 


BARRIO TRISTE 


1 just had breakfast with Papa Giovan- 
ni, who tells me what's been going on in 
the neighborhood where he works as a 
mecbanic. A war is being waged over the 
huecos (the holes where basuco is sold and 
consumed) betwee 
the Calenos. The er are from Cali 
they re well organized and have alre: 
taken over the Campo Valdéz communc. 
Yesterday they went looking for one of 
the Montaneros in the depths of his hole 
and shot him six times in the chest. The 
man still managed to walk out onto the 
street normally, hail and get into a cab. 


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159 


PLAYBOY 


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nd ask to be driven to the hospital. He 
died en route. 

These guys walk around armed on 
street corners, or go into bars and make 
themselves at home. Their favorite 
threat is: “Don't bug me” or “Does some- 
one feel like bugging me?" Two days ago 
one of them really got angry when an 
empty cab refused to stop after he had 
tried insistently to hail it. Furious, in 
front of witnesses, he killed the driver. 
Shortly afterward, the back door of the 
taxi opened and a tiny man, the invisible 
passenger, got out of the car, scared 
senseless. Nobody said anything, and 
the incident was viewed as a settling of 
scores. One more. Over the past week 
there have been one or two murders 
per day, all within a few blocks of each 
other: what Giovanni calls the ravages of 
Christmas. 


A SINGLE REGRET 


Not to have had the time before 1 left 
to meet a ballsy woman, the transvestite 
who rules over the poshest brothel in 
town with an iron hand—the whore- 
house where people from the mafia rub 
shoulders with policemen and govern- 
ment employees. A few months ago, dur- 
ng preproduction, 1 had managed to 
make an appointment to have tea with 
her. I was curious to meet someone who 
must have quite an exceptional per 
sonality to be able to survive at the core 
of such a dangerous world, knowing ev- 
eryone's secrets. A character suitable for 
Fassbinder. 

Га been led down the secret hallway 
reserved for city hall employees and 
VIPs, It was directly opposite the main 
entrance, on the other side of the block, 
on a parallel street, and it opened onto a 
small, perfectly run-of-the-mill bar. At 
the far end, behind the bathrooms, a 
curtain covered the entrance to a maze 
that led to a reinforced door. There 1 
was greeted by the chief of security, who 
asked me to follow him. Another maze, 
then through the kitchen before emerg- 
ingin a room full of very young girls and 
disco music. It's five em. Madam is late; 
I'm asked to wait for her. I hear she's 
very busy—diversifying by launching а 
line of beauty products in Europe. She 
has several bodyguards. She usually 
comes in through the back entrance like 
I did. 

The girls who pass by the main en- 
trance often stop and hit a statue with a 
wooden spoon. It reminds me of some- 
thing: Cali, 20 years ago. I walk over to 
get a closer look. It is indeed a seated 
Chinese Buddha. There's a hole in its fat 
stomach. A drunken mobster fired a bul 
let into it, Fm sure of it; it's something 
I'm familiar with. I check with the em- 
s exactly what I thought. 
ro, Eduardo and 1 
had accompanied a friend of ours to a 
brothel and Ud discovered a strange 
tual that I thought was one of a kind 


The girls hit a good-luck Buddha to 
punish it when there weren't enough 
clients. It faced the wall and was forced 
to look endlessly at a bloody bullfighting 
painting under its nose. It had a hole in 
its fat stomach and was surrounded by 
various plaster replicas of Greck statues. 

The clock soon strikes six. Madam has 
arrived, she's getting ready, she won't be 
long, but I have to leave for a casting 
meeting. I'll be back. 

Yes, but when? In a few months it'll 
surely be more dangerous, and without 
proper bodyguards. 


CHRISTMAS. VET 


C а takes care of the houseclean- 
ing and the cooking. She's religious and 
very proper. As she often has nothing to 
do, she reads books like How to Know 
Your Son Is Taking Drugs. Her son is cight 
years old. 

We need to drink a great deal of cof- 
fee while we're editing. Every time she 
brings us some she overhears some of 
the film's scenes. Shoot-outs and insults, 
naked men—not always the same ones— 
in bed or kissing cach other on the 
mouth. Tirades against the pope; the 
next day against Simón Bolivar or in 
praise of Pablo Escobar as a great em- 
ployer of the people. Then more shoot- 
outs, bodies and bad language. And then 
yesterday, to top it all off, two men in bed 
and one of them says: "Blessed be thou, 
Sata That's when I saw her look real- 
ly concerned. 

It's time to go do the rest ofthe editing 
somevhere else, before she starts telling 
the priests about it. 

Our favorite pastime: trying to figure 
out her take on the film. 

The editing room has a large balcony, 
like all the other rooms in my apart- 
ment. Right across the street there are 
two banks. Yesterday, Cecilia, who has 
plenty of time to look out the window, 
told us twice to come and see what was 
happening on the street. The first time it 
a businessman getting into his white 
Trooper after having gone to the bank 
Two young motorcyclists had grabbed an 
envelope from him. There was a visible 
commotion: All over the street people 
were talking about the incident, which 
had lasted only a few seconds. Three 
minutes later everything was back to 
normal. But the law of series is the only 
rule to live by here. I had just managed 
to cut another minute from the film, 
which is now one hour and 47 minutes 
long, when another distracting event 
took place: The same scenario, only this 
time it was about two nuns and a small 
suitcase that was stolen from them 
Nothing stops the Christmas fever, not 
even religion. 

Firecrackers keep exploding all night, 


every night 


PLAYBOY Y) 


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Sexy, Steamy. Sultry video free with 
your paid subscription. Order by 
phone: Call 1-800-708-7557 and use 
your credit card. Order by таё Send 
Check or money order to Playboy's 
Book of Lingerie, P.O. Box 3266, 
Haran, lowa 51593 (Include spacial 
соке HMA1000) 


162 


HOW 


Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where to find this month's 
merchandise. To buy the ap- 
parel and equipment shown 
оп pages 35, 4142, 83- 
87, 120-122 and 167, 
check the listings below 10 
find the stores nearest you. 


WIRED 

Page 35: “Smart Cars”: 

Software by Microsoft, www.microsoft. 
com/automotive. “Nuon DVD": Tech- 
nology by VM Labs, www.nuon.tv. 
DVD players: By Toshiba Electronics, 
800-631-3811 or www.toshiba.com. 
By Samsung Electronics, 800-726-7864 
or www.samsungelectronics.com. 
"Game of the Month": Software b 
Sony, 800-345-7669. "Wild Things 
Personal digital assistants: By Ky- 
осета Wireless, 800-349-4188 or www. 
kyocera-wireless.com. By Samsung 
Electronics, 800-726-7864 or www.sam 
sungelectronics.com. 


MANTRACK 

Page 41: “Xs and Ohs”: Car by Jag- 
uar, jaguar.com. "Ice Is Nice”: Des- 
sert maker by William Bounds, 800- 
473-0504 or www.wmboundsltd.com. 
Page 42: “Be Like a Mogul”: Home 
theater by Owens Corning, Toledo, 
Ohio, 419-248-8000 or www.owens 
corning.com. “Seat of Power": Chair 
from New York First, 800-581-7599 or 
newyorkfirst.com. "Cuys Are Talking 
About": Hangover cures from Perfect 
Equation, 800-720-2970 or www.per 
fectequation.net. 


BOYS OF SUMMER 

Page 83: Suit by Emanuel Ungaro, 212- 
249-4090. Watch by Blancpain, www. 
blancpain.ch. Pullover by Hugo Boss, 
800-HUGO-Boss. Page 84: Suit by Paul 
Stuart, paulstuart.com. Shirt by Clai- 


TO 


B U Y 


borne, lizclaiborne.com. 

Tie by Hickey-Freeman, 

hickeyfreman.com. Belt 

кұ by Torino, 800-932-9402. 

Loafers by Steve Madden, 

800-sır-Mann. Page 85: 

Suit by Armani Collezio- 

ni and shirt and tie by 

Giorgio Armani, giorgio 

armani.com. Belt by 

Torino, 800-932-9402. 

Watch by Rolex, www. 

rolex.com. Ring by 

Elif Fine Jewelry, Atlanta, 404-584- 

9773. Page 86: Suit by Kenneth Cole, 

800-KEN-COLE. Belt by Torino, 800- 

932-9402. Crewneck by Raffi, 800- 

775-3454. Shoes by Steve Madden, 

800-sIR-MADD. Watch by Omega, 800- 

456-5354. Bracelet and necklace by 

Elif Fine Jewelry, Atlanta, 404-584- 

9773. Page 87: Suit by Canali, at 

Bergdorf Goodman, NYC, 212-753- 

7300. Shirt and tie by Hickey-Freeman, 

hickeyfreeman.com. Belt by Torino, 
800-932-9402. 


SHOOT FIRST 
Pages 120-122: Camcorders: By Pan- 
asonic Electronics, 800-211-7262 or 
www.panasonic.com. By Hitachi Elec- 
tronics, 800-448-9244 or www.hitachi. 
com. By Canon, 800-828-4040 or www. 
usa.canon.com. By Sony Electronics, 
800-222-7669. By Sharp Electronics, 
800-237-4277 or www.sharpelectron 
ics.com. By JVC Company of America, 
800-252-5792 ог www.jvc.com. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 167: “Hang ‘Em High”: Stereo 
systems: By Pioneer, 800-746-6337 or 
www.pioneerelectronics.com. By Fish- 
er, 818-998-7322, x433 or www.fish 
erav.com. Plasma television by Philips 
Electronics, 800-531-0039. LCD tele- 
vision by Sharp Electronics, 800-237- 
4277 or wwwsharpelectronics.com. 


living online 


(continued from page 36) 
spamcop.net. Since signing up, 1 haven't 
received any spam. To use the spam-fil- 
tering service, you have to redirect your 
e-mail to a personal spamcop.net ad- 
dress. (There are instructions at the site 
that explain how to do this so you can 
keep your current e-mail address.) When 
the software comes across a message it 
suspects to be spam, that message won't 
be e-mailed to you. Instead, SpamCop 
sends a reply to the senders, asking them 
to click on a link that will release the 
e-mail so that it'll end up in your iv box. 
Since the “reply to” addresses on spams 
are always fakes, this trick effectively 
keeps the spam away. Once a sender 
replies, all his or her subsequent e-mail 
will pass through the filter without being 
held up. SpamCop charges 50 cents per 
megabyte of processed e-mail, and the 
company daims the average user can ex- 
pect to pay about $25 a year. That seems 
too low. At my current e-mail load, I fig- 
ure ГЇ pay close to $90 a year to use 
SpamCop, but it's worth every cent. 


LEAVE THE LAPTOP AT HOME 


I try not to carry a laptop when 1 travel. 
It's hard to lug, and when I'm abroad, 
it's not easy to get an Internet connec- 
tion. IF I need to check e-mail when away 
from home, I go to an Internet cafe, For 
а few bucks an hour, 1 can use a PC with 
a high-speed connection. 1 also get ac- 
cess to snacks and interesting locals. Net 
cafes.com lists more than 4000 Internet 
cafes in 148 countries. The searchable 
database has prices, hours, types of com- 
puters and equipment available, plus 
short descriptions of each place. The site 
also runs cybercafe-related news items 
that are worth checking out. For exam- 
ple, it reported that knife-wielding thieves 
were robbing late-night cybercafe cus- 
tomers in Malaysia. Lesson: In Kuala Lum- 
pur, surf only when the sun is shining. 


QUICK HITS 


Check out rumors at purportal.com. 
Follow the adventures of 1000 diaries as 
they travel the world at 1000journals. 
com. The Pinball Pasture (lysator.liu. 
se/pinball/) has more than 2000 photos 
of pinball machine backplates. Watch 
and discuss TV commercials at aderit 
ic.com. (It's more fun than it sounds.) 
Download groovy screensavers that 
morph to the beat of MP3s at 55ware. 
com. Nerds don't need to be lonely. 
Read sex ups for geeks at tuxedo.org, 
—esr/writings/sextips. Online comics 
are getting better. My current favorite: 
“When LAm King,” at demian5.com. 


You can contact Mark Frauenfelder al 
livingonline@playboy.com. 


During the past year, Kelly Monaco 
bas lost her virginity, started medical 
school and discovered her mother is 
her aunt, her aunt is her mother and 
ber delusional father isn't dead, as 
she'd thought. It's all happened on 
Port Charles, ABC's General Hospital 
spin-off, on which Kelly plays drama 
queen Li 


Kelly say 


Keys experience 
as a Playmate came in handy for her 
first soap opera sex scene, although 
she says filming it wasn't as sexy as it 


no full-on 
nudity on 
the set. 
You're 
wearing a 


looks. "There's 


C-string and pasties. The crew mem- 
bers aren't as used to nudity as the 
people at PLAYBOY. It's awkward." Her 
newfound fans have also taken her by 
surprise. “1 didn't realize how many 
'e for soaps. They care about 
she's a real person. People 
even write 10 me as Livvie: Jack is so 
bad for you! Why don't you open your 


August 11: Miss June 1967 
Joey Gibson 


August 12: Miss January 1983 
Lonny Chin 

August 22: Miss March 1998 
Marliece Andrada 

August 31: Miss April 1969 
Lorna Hopper 


eyes It's fun. I love it.” Kelly isn't sure 
what the writers have in store for Lr 
vie, but she has an idea: "She comes 
from a psychotic family. It would be 
fun to play a whacked-out Livvie.” 
Angel Boris is also getting into soap 
operas; she recently signed a five-ycar 
deal with General. Hospital. So how 
about a crossover episode in which 


Kelly and Angel's characters get into 
a catfight, tear each other's clothes 
off. discover they're twins who were 
separated at birth and end up with 
amnesia? It has Daytime Emmy win- 
ner written all over 


Pomelo Anderson hangs out while new best 
friend Elizabeth Hurley slays covered; Jenny 
McCarthy plays dress-up for the paparazzi. 


Expert head-turner Pamela Ander- 
son created equal parts flashbulb flur- 
ry and media speculation when she 
arrived with Elizabeth Hurley at Van- 
ity Fair's annual Oscars party. Inquir- 
ing minds wanted to know: Are they 
best friends? Are they dating? Is Liz 
going to guest-star on VI.P? Does 
Pam realize her shirt is 14 sizes too 
small? All we noticed was that two 
of Hollywood's most desirable bomb- 


30 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


When we met Cathy Rowland, 
Miss August 1971, she was try- 
ing to launch a singing career. To- 
day, Cathy is a recording star— 
sort of. "I'm a foley artist, which 
means I create 
sound effects for 
films,” Cathy told 
Playboy.com. “1 
do weird things 
like throw water- 
melons against 
the wall to make 
certain noises.” 
There is also an 
erotic side to 
the job. "I'm the 
background girl 
on Night Calls," 
she says. "And in 
two forthcoming 
Playboy videos, 
I'm the one moan- 
ing when people 
are making love. Yes, 1 am a pro- 
fessional moaner!" 


Cathy Rowland. 


shells were having a blast creating a 
sexy photo op—so sexy, in fact, that 
we felt obligated to share it with you. 
Also wowing shutterbugs at the fete 
was actress Jenny McCarthy, our 
other fayorite Centerfold turned red 
carpet pro. 


Кл 


The X-Treme Team is 


everywhere. Clackwi 

from top left: Donelle 
Койо, LL Cool J, Doph- 
nee Duploix and Jes- 
sica Lee ot ESPN's Ac- 
tion Sports ond Mu- 
sic Awords; Jennifer. 


|| Jen, with Survivor mas- 
lermind Mark Bumett. 


му Favorite 
Playmate 


1 met a Centerfold once. She 
was in Apocalypse Now. 

She was sweet. I 
think her name 

was Cyndi Wood. 

A blonde girl. She 
was one of the 
women who 

landed in the 

f PLAYBOY heli- 
copter. PLAYBOY 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


The coolest thing about working 
for rıAYBOY? Calling Playmate and 
Hawatian Tropic model Kalin Olson 
just for the hell of it. 

О: Hey, Kalin. What's up? 

A: 1 haven't been up to much because 
I'm pregnant. We're very excited. It 
happened at the right ume. 

Q: Who's we? 

A: I've been with Pascal Trepanier for 
about two years. He plays for the Ana- 
heim Mighty Ducks. 


Q: Are you a hockey fan? 

A: I didn't know anything about it un- 
til I met him. I love it now. 

О: So how did the two of you get 
together? 

A: We were attracted to each other 
because we're both athletic. He loves 
that I model as well 

as race with 
the X-Treme 
Team, Pascal 
and I train 
together. 

Q: Are you 
glad to be out 
of the dating 
scene? 

A: Definitely. 
Q: How has 
being preg- 
nant changed 
your life 
A: Working out is boring because 1 
can't train as hard as I want. Other 
than that, I love it. 1 feel great. 

Q: Will you ever do another Eco-Chal- 
lenge race? 

A: There's talk of doing it in 2002. As 
soon as I have the baby, I'll have to 
start training again. But 1 feel lucky. 
I'm so excited to be a mom 


sent a chopper 
into the jungle 
and there's a 
big scene 
where they 
doa show. 


WO M c 


er А AY is 


TOMCATS' KITTENS 


lan Ziering and bet- 
ter half Nikki Schie- 
ler showed up at the. 
premiere of Tomcats 
1o support pal Julia 
Schultz, who plays 
Jerry O'Connell's 
girlfriend in the 
film. Don't be sur- 
prised when Julia 
is named Holly- 
wood's next big 
thing: She has a 
lead role as Tab- 
itha in the NBC 
sitcom What 
Are You Think- 
ing? also stor- 
ring Hank 
Azaria. 


164 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Jessica Lee, Kerissa Fare and 
Katie Lohmann (below) tried to 
outsmart the host on an episode 
of Win Ben Stein's Money. . . . 

Jennifer Lavoie has ap- 

АМ ` plied for the cast of Sur- 

= vivor 3. .. . Victoria Silv- 
stedt shows up in two 
movies: Ben Stiller's 
Zoolander, and Body- 
guards, with 


Money hungry with Ben Stein 


Cindy Crawford. . . . Lisa Der- 
gan was featured in Affluent 
Golfer magazine. . . . Yes, that's 
Karen McDougal and Heather 
Kozar on Coors' Fourth of July 
posters. ... Ola 
Ray, co-star of 
Michael Jack- 
son’s Thriller 
video, dishes 
on the BBC 
program I Love 
the Eighties... . 
Are you smit- 
ten with the 
new PMOY? 
Then pick up 
Playboy's Play- 
mate Review, 
which features 
Brande Roderick. . . . Planter's 
Rum model Cara Michelle 
graces the covers of Stuff and Are- 
na. ... Who says you can't judge a 
book by its cover? Bebe Buell's 
Rebel Heart and Vicki (McCarty) 
Tovine’s Girlfriends’ Guide to Getting 
Your Groove Back look good to us. 


The yeor's best 


Book 'em, Ploymotes 


эб. RNR 
THE ШШ 


PREMIERES AUGUST 14 


ORIGINAL SERIES 


PREMIERES AUGUST 1 


PLAYMATE H 


0515 


Jennifer Walcott 
Miss August 


Our new Director's Cut 
brings you more unedited 
action than ever before! 
Best of Stacy Valentine (Premieres July 7) 
Private Fantasies 4 (Premieres July 14) 
Brad Armstrong's Mirage (Premieres July 21) 
The Puppeteer (Premieres July 28) 
(Premieres August 4) 
(Premieres August 11) 
(Premieres August 18) 
(Premieres August 25) 


Each movie encores on the following Friday. 


entertainment 
atts DESÎ 


ADULT ALL STARS 
Your favorile adult stars expose themselves in ways you 
might never expect as they tell all. July 27, 28, 


INSIDE ADULT LIVE 
Get Ihe inside scoop on the adult entertainment industry with 
Alisha Klass and her super hol guests. July 18, 20, 23, 25, 29. 


MIGHTS EDGE — 

Two female friends hit the parties and privale clubs of Hollywood 
in search of the most erotic sexual experiences of their lives. 
Jul 23, 25, 28. 


PLAYBDY'S GIRLS DF THE HARD ВОСК | 1 
Here's your all-access pass lo the. ax Sights and rockin’ 
Sounds of this world-famous destination! July 26, 28, 31. 


SEXY URBAN LEGENDS: LOVE AND MARRIAGE 
Two ШШШ represent nol so happy endings. 
July 22, 25, 27, 28 


Share the secrets for ШУЫ your own pleasure points as our 
experts reveal their hands-on tricks for tripping their own wires. 
August 8, 14, 20, 22, 23, 29, 30. 


Summer is about to push your libido to the boiling point as we 
present a show pon wilh insider revelations and professional 
moves. August 7, 9, 11, 15, 18, 24, 26. 


Share in the season's sexiest calls and e-mails with the two 
beauties you'd choose to be stranded with on a deserted island. 
August, 4, 7, 10, 13, 23, 25, 28. 


These audacious amateurs lake all the tools they ñeed into this 
exotic enclave and, lucky for us, they brought a camera 100. 
August 6,8, 11, 14,18, 19,26, 30 


Flower, from Night Calls 411, helps a fantasy come true for two men 
‘who are the city’s hottest sex advisors. August 14, 16, 19, 24. 


(9 Ml poner gans ат dûsed cage. Tiles and рау deies as ube lo бал. 


] 


Id 
PLAYBOY ТЇ 
For program information go to: 
playboytv.com 
Playboy TV is available Кот year local cable television operator or home satelite, 
DIRECTA, DISH Metu, EXPRESSVO o STAR CHOICE del, 
© 2001 Playboy Entertainment Group, Inc. All rights reserved. 


Photo: Gregory Heisler 


F 


Robin Williams caught reading. 


the scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


, 
HANG 'EM HIGH 
etting crowded in your place, , F чч y | Though it can't help with 
Mr. Hardcore Electronics Ad c ff all that clutter, a wall- 
ч $ mountable stereo will 
\ E dear some work space 
\ оп your desk. Left: Add 
оп to the CD player and 
AM-FM tuner of Pio- 
neer's NS-33 stereo by 
plugging another com- 
ponent into the auxil- 
агу audio input ($465). 
Below: So the stereo 
doesn't clash with the 
rest of the room, three 
sets of removable speak- 


dict? Why sacrifice room for 

another new video game sys: 
tem when some of the latest stereos and 
TVs can be hung on the wall? Wave a 
hand in front of Pioneer's sleek new NS- 
33 stereo and the glass doors open, al- 
lowing access to the CD mechanism. A 
royal blue fluorescent display provides 
operation information. It's powered by 
two 20-watt speaker amplifiers and a 
30-watt amp for the subwoofer. Fisher's 
Slim-2000 three-disc changer is built with 
three separate disc drives so CDs don't 
have to be shuffled for play. Install it in er covers (in blue, black 
your bedroom and start the day with your and merlot) are included 
JAMES INBROGNO with Fisher's Slim-2000 
(about $300). 


Ditch that boxy TV for a 
wall-mountable model. 
Above left: Philips' plas- 
ma TV has a 42" screen 
and a 16:9 aspect ratio, 
used for widescreen 
movies ($10,000). Left: 
Now you can watch 
cooking shows where 
they might actually help 
you—in your kitchen. 
Sharp's LC-10A2U 10" 
1CD TV produces a pic- 
ture twice as bright as a 
conventional ТУ ($1000). 167 


favorite tunes via SureWake, an alarm 
that increases the volume over a 20-sec- 
ond period. Plasma TVs are a great way to 
get a big-screen TV in a room without giv- 
ing up living space. Philips" 42FD9932 
has a 42" display but it's less than 6" deep. 
The antireflective screen coating reduc- 
es glare for better picture quality. Tuck 
Sharp's LC-10A2U TV under a kitchen 
cabinet so you won't miss any of the big 
game while you grab a beer. The 10" LCD 
TV can also be mounted on a wall or set 
atop a table. JASON BUHRMESTER 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE mè 


Maropevios 


It's the 
Dress, 
Stupid 
JENNIFER LOPEZ, 
playing to her 
strengths, opted 
again to wow the 
Oscar crowd. 
Look for more— 
or less—of her in 
Angel Eyes and 
Enough. 


Good Vibrations 
New York's Radio City Music 
Hall tribute to BRIAN WILSON 
was filmed for a July TNT show. 
Everybody (including Aimee 
Mann and Paul Simon) turned 
up to sing. But it took anoth- 
er piano man, SIR ELTON, to 

168 gel things rocking. 


A Case for Lace 
LEILA ANDICO had the lead in Inva- 
sion of the Party Nerds II and has 
been featured on Baywatch. But you 
may know her better as the spokes- 
model for Eddie Bauer. 


Why We 
Love Liz 
ELIZABETH 
HURLEY has 
three movies out 
this year, Dawg, 
Servicing Sara 
and Double 
Whammy. She 
also has outfits 
like this one in 
her closet. 
How lucky 
for us. 


Depp's Rep—Chameleon 
from transvestite to coke king, from 
Shakespeare's rival Marlowe to the 
police inspector after Jack the Rip- 
per, JOHNNY DEPP disappears 
into every role he takes. Is this 
his Bob Marley imitation? 


A Bit of Britt 

How does David Spade 

do it? You'll find 
BRITTANY DANIEL in his 
movie Joe Dirt. She 
was a Dawson's Creek 

regular for a while. 


urri 


HIP TO UNDIES 


Hippie Skivvies are the 
reincarnation of the kind 
of undies flower children 


wore any undies at all. 
Camisoles, cropped camis, 
boy cuts, bikini panties, 
jammie bottoms and 
thongs (plus boxers and 
briefs for guys) have all 
been tie-dyed. Prices 
range from $14 to $28, 
and everything is made 
with a cotton blend. Check 
stores, call 877-544-5566 
or go to hippieskiv 
vies.com. The website also 
maintains a Skivvies 
Around the World section; 
you can contribute to it by 
sending a photograph of 
yourself (or, better yet, of 
your girlfriend) in Hippie 
Skivvies somewhere 
famous. (These well- 
traveled undies have 
made it to the Eiffel 
"Iower and—would 

you believe it?—the 

South Pole.) We'll be 
watching. Peace. 


AMPHIBIOUS ASSAULT 


Leave it to the Italians to create an inflatable pontoon-and-propulsion 

system that enables you to pedal to the beach and be out riding your 

bike on the water in about 15 minutes. The Shuttle-Bike kit weighs 24 

pounds and includes a backpack. You also get a pump to inflate the 

pontoons. Shuttle-Bike USA, which imports the kit, claims the Shuttle- 

Bike is more stable than a kayak or a canoe. Price: about $695. Check 
170 shuttlebikeusa.com or call 425-823-7763 for more information. 


wore in the Sixties—if they 


THE GANG'S ALL BEER 


As fans of Comedy Central's Man Show 
know, hosts Jimmy Kimmel and Adam 
Carolla (pictured below with two Juggy 
girls) end cach episode with a chant of. 
“Ziggy socky, ziggy socky, hoy, hoy, hoy!" 
after which Kimmel, Carolla and the au- 
dience chug steins. Until recently, the 
brew on the show was unnamed, but now 
there's an official Ziggy Socky premium 
lager available for $6 a six-pack. Check 
retailers before you hoy, hoy again 


KILLER SPORTS 


What better title for an anthology of base- 
ball mysteries than Murderers’ Row? The 
reference, of course, is to the fearsome 
foursome composed of Babe Ruth, Lou 
Gehrig, Tony Lazzeri and Bob Meusel in 
the 1927 New York Yankees’ batting line- 
up. It's the first in a series of sports-mys- 
tery books edited by whodunit buff Otto 
Penzler. Next will be boxing. The price: 
$24.95. New Millennium is the publisher. 


EXPLOSIVE INDIA 


The hardcover Cock isn't 
about what you think. Cock is 
the name given to boxes of 
Anglo Indian fireworks, and 
this book's pages splay out ac- 
cordion-style to reveal Indian 
firework art in the form of 
clephant gods, bejeweled 
goddesses, cobras, tigers, Tar- 
zan astride a giant eagle and 
even Samson with a lion in a 
headlock. All are used as mar- 
keting tools for pyrotechnic 
goodies ranging from sky 
rockets and pinwheels to 
sparklers and firecrackers. 
Price: $45 boxed, from Tra- 
falgar Square at 800-423-4525. 


SALOON 

SOCIETY 
Pre-Prohibition 
saloons were a 
man's world of 
whiskey, pool, 
profanity and 
spitoons. The 
Volstead Act of 
1919 closed 
these establish- 


and Cigar Stores, 


а 336-page hardcover by Roger Kislingbury that contains more 

than 150 duotone and color images of such spots as McDon- 
ough's in San Francisco (above). Price is $65, from Waldo and 
Van Winkle Publishers, 267 North El Molino Avenue, Pasadena, 


California 91101, or go to walovan@earthlink.net. 


LET'S GET NAKED 


The cheesecake artist Gil 
Elvgren got it right when he 
named his 1940 work of art 
pictured here Perfection. It's 
one of 14 images included in 
Pin-Up Nudes, which is part of 
the Collectors Press Artist 
Archives series. (In June Pot- 
pourri featured two other 
books їп the series, Seaside 
Sweelhearts and Pirate and Gyp- 
sy Girls.) All the ladies depict- 
ed in this softcover are naked 
jaybirds, with no props coy- 
ly placed to hide their el 
That works for us. Price: 
$11.95. Call Collectors Press 
at 800-423-1848 to order. 


as 


MOONLIGHT BECOMES HER 


Marilyn by Moonlight is filled with rare photos 
that have been digitally restored to their origi- 
nal luster, and the text is taken from seldom- 
heard interviews in which Marilyn reminisces 
about her life. It was definitely a labor of love 
for the book's creator, Jack Allen, a movie histo- 
rian who's marketing this classy hardcover on- 
line at marilynbymoonlight.com for $49.95. A 
signed and numbered collector's edition in 

a slipcase is $75. 


m 


Ouf, ly Neu lj i 


4 Ps 


Jack Allen 


Marilyn Montos 


DRIVING FORCE 


Stirling Moss, Juan Manuel Fangio, Phil Hill, 
Enzo Ferrari—automotive journalist Denise 
McCluggage photographed them all. Now а 
collection of some of her best shots, A Privileged 
View: Racing Cars and Their Drivers Circa 1960, is 
available as a computer screensaver with more 
than 100 photos on the disc. (Pictured here is 
corner action at the Grand Prix of Mexico.) 
Screen Saver USA at 505-982-5767 sells А Privi- 
leged View for $23.95. Other automotive CDs 
Ask about the 


are also availabl 


BNext Month 


172 


BLOODLETTING 


SASCHA 


DALE EARNHARDT JR.—DID JUNIOR RACE TO NASCAR STAR- 
DOM IN SECONDS? CHICKS LOVE HIM. YOU WILL TOO. READ 
KEVIN COOK'S FAST AND FURIOUS PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 


SURVIVOR GIRL—SO SHE DIDN'T WIN THE MILLION DOLLARS. 
SURVIVOR: THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK'S JERRI MANTHEY 
SHOWS US THE REAL GOODS IN A WILD PICTORIAL. 


HEAVIER THAN HEAVEN: THE FALL OF KURT COBAIN— 
HEROIN, INSECURITY AND COURTNEY LOVE TRANSFORMED 
THE GRUNGE GREAT INTO A TABLOID HEADLINE. A GRIP- 
PING ACCOUNT OF THE SINGER'S APOGEE AND COLLAPSE BY 
CHARLES CROSS 


SURVIVING SURVIVAL—DO YOU WANT TO BUDDY UP TO 
JEFF PROBST—OR JUST SEE HOW YOU'D FARE IN THE AUS- 
TRALIAN WILD? ARMIN BROTT BRAVES SNAKEBITES, 
HUNGER AND SHARP ROCKS TO DISCOVER WHAT THE TV 
SHOWS DON'T TELL YOU 


STANLEY TUCCI—THE VERSATILE MARVEL FROM BIG NIGHT, 
WINCHELL AND—HIS LATEST—BIG TROUBLE ON WORKING 
FOR 75 BUCKS A DAY, THE JOY OF UNHAPPY ENDINGS, 
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITALIAN AMERICAN STEREOTYPES AND 
HOW TO GET LAID WITH A GREAT RISOTTO. A DELECTABLE 20 
QUESTIONS BY WARREN KALBACKER 


GROUP SEX, FOURTH FLOOR—THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR VIS- 
ITS A SWINGERS' CONVENTION, WHERE HE FINDS VIXENS DIS- 


MISS SEPTEMBER 


GUISED AS SOCCER MOMS AND BLOW JOBS DOLED OUT LIKE 
CANDY. THE PROBLEM? HE FORGOT TO GET HIS WIFE'S OK TO 
JOIN IN. CONFESSIONAL BY CHIP ROWE 


TONY “THE GOOSE" SIRAGUSA—THE BALTIMORE RAVENS' 
340-POUND DEFENSIVE MONSTER THINKS MOST QBS ARE 
PUSSIES AND SPARES NONE OF HIS NFL ENEMIES IN A 
ROUGH AND RIOTOUS Q. AND A. WITH MARK RIBOWSKY 


BLOOD TEST—HERE'S A GANGSTER PRECEPT: WHEN YOU'RE 
ABOUT TO ROBA STRIP CLUB, DO WHAT THE BOSS SAYS. TOO 
MANY QUESTIONS COULD GET YOU WHACKED. CHILLING FIC- 
TION BY ANDREW VACHSS 


THE SOPHISTICATED APE—APES RULE THE PLANET, AND 
THEY'RE DRESSED TO KILL. WE SALUTE TIM BURTON'S HIGH- 
LY ANTICIPATED SUMMER MOVIE WITH MILITARY-INSPIRED 
JACKETS, SUITS AND SHIRTS. FALL FASHION FORECAST BY 
JOSEPH DE ACETIS ч 


HIGH STEAKS —FROM STRIP TO SIRLOIN, FROM T-BONE TO 
TENDERLOIN, JOHN MARIANI KNOWS THE STEAKHOUSE FOR 
YOU. GENTLEMEN, SHARPEN YOUR KNIVES 


PLUS: PLAYBOY'S PRO FOOTBALL PREVIEW, VAMPIREL- 
LA COMIC MODEL SASCHA KNOPF VAMPS AND STRIPS, 
NAUGHTY CENTERFOLD ECHO JOHNSON, DALENE KURTIS 
BECOMES THE PERFECT PLAYMATE FOR FALL AND THOSE 
TERRIFIC FISHNET STOCKINGS COME BACK