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AYBOY 


ENTERTAINMENT FORMEN — = NOVEMBER 2001 e www.playboy.com 
A SPICY ` THE LITE GIRL 
SEX IN, Wf ANGELICA 

7 BRIDGES 
ORAL SEX NUDE 


A HISTORY i 
The Class You | 
Won't Ditch ME © 


THE COEN — 
BROTHERS — 
Interview With ~ 
Hollywood’s 

Dark Duo 


GLOBAL , >> 
PROTEST. NE 
What Do “2-5 
These 

People 


iui | ШІ 


HOW TO DATE 
A GIRL WHO'S 
SMARTER 
THAN YOU 


200 WITH 
PREZ BUSH 
(OK, Will Ferrell) 


REVENGE 


OF THE 
MONOPOLISTS 


Microsoft 
Launches XBOX 


= 


122909 Seogram Americas; NY, NY, Morell 


© Philip Moms Inc. 2000 
11 mg "tar; 0.8 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС method. 
The amount of “tar” and nicotine you inhale will 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. vary depending on how you smoke the cigarette. 
For more information about PM USA and its products, 
visit www.philipmorrisusa.com or call 1-877-PMUSAWEB. 


BRING THE FAMILY HOME ON DVD 


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BY ACADEMY AWARD" WINNING DIRECTOR 
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PLUS AN EXTRAORDINARY THREE-HOUR BONUS DISC 
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Ни сур!!! 


SEATTLE, QUEBEC, GENOA, You don't need a weatherman to 
know which way the WTO blows. When 200,000 people are 
willing to travel to a protest, be choked by a blast of pepper 
spray and get seen on TV holding a stupid puppet, it's time to 
sit up and take notice. Many protesters do it solely on princi- 
ple, which makes their hatred for the gnomes of the global 
economy oddly impressive. The article What Do These People 
Want? by Gina Welch looks at the struggle against the power of 
multinational companies. Anyone who's ever had a job and 
distrusted a corporate boss will be able to relate. Makes you 
want to grab a 40 and flip off the cops as you turn a nollie 
nosegrind. No? Then perhaps you haven't keyed into skate- 
boarding, now as rebellious as rock used to be. And it's not 
that pretty stuff you see on ESPN2, either. In Dirty Skate Kings 
by Dean Kuipers, we profile a handful of big ballers like Chad 
Muska and the Piss Drunx, who shun the mainstream and 
who just happen to be millionaires. 

O brothers, where did thou get thine sick sense of humor? 
In their movies Joel and Ethan Coen have blown up a cow, 
buried a man alive and, in the upcoming flick The Man Who 
Wasn't There, they have the balls to bump off James Gandolfini 
(a.k.a. Tony Soprano). Bada bing this! During a Playboy Inter 
view with Kristine McKenna, the duo engage in the kind of kib- 
itzing that ideas are made of. As far as women who make us 
laugh, we vote for Janet Reno, but only when she's portrayed 
by Will Ferrell. He's the funniest cross-dresser on Saturday Night 
Live since Mike Myers. He's great at impersonating Bush. 
He's popping up in a new movie this fall, but that wasn't 
enough for us. We asked Contributing Editor David Rensin to 
track him down for a 20 Questions. You'll want to linger over 
the heart of our issue, though: a pictorial of Angelica Bridges 
shot by Antoine Verglas. Angelface is a TV actress with a killer 
résumé and a killer body. You'll recognize her as the co-host of 
What a Fan on CBS and the Miller Lite Get the Goods Fairy, 
but you'll remember her thanks to pLayvnoy. (The cover was 
shot by Davis Factor.) 

What do women think about? A hell of a lot more than men, ANDREA 
it seems. Maybe it’s genetics, or maybe it's because they have 
something to prove, but last year more females were accept- 
ed to law school than males. There are other frightening stats, 
but we've forgotten them. ‘Trust us, though. It's ime to wise 
up. Read How to Date а Girl Smarter Than You by Will Lee. It will 
prepare you for when Miss Know-It-All leans over and says, "1 
want to be your personal hetaera.” Grrr. (The illustration is by 
Istvan Banyai.) Or start studying The History of the Blow Job by 
Debra Ollivier. Then you can tell your sharp girlfriend that ear- 
ly cave paintings depict fellatio. Eons afier the first Paleolithic 
lick and we're still casting the same shadows on the cave walls, 
‘That's right—it's time for our annual Sex in Cinema feature, Ы 
with text by Jamie Malanowski. Without a doubt, this year RENSIN OLLIVIER BUERMESTER| 
proved The Center of the World is molten. 

For a literary take on sex, turn to The Letterman by Alicia Er- 
ian, whose praised story collection, The Brutal Language of 
Love, got us all worked up. She sets this unusual threesome— 
a father, a son and daddy's mistress—in Amsterdam (the art- 
work is by Pat Andrea). More game: sistant Editor Jason 
Buhrmester is the first kid on our office block to land Micro- 
softs DVD game system. He filed his review of it, War Zone, 
and we haven't seen him since. Martini Moment by Richard Carle- 
ton Hacker is a new look at the martini. You'll like it shaken, 
you'll like it stirred, you'll like it when you toast our Miss No- 
vember, Lindsey Vuolo: Che bella! 


KUIPERS 


HACKER BANYAL 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), November 2001, volume 48, number 11. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana 

dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit playboycom. 5 


ПОБ NID) хх MORE COLOR E OE EEE 


The Macallan SINGLE MALT WHISKY rich in color rich in taste 


Inr MACALLAN SCOT < ALCJVOL, ВЕму AMERIQUE, Inc., New Y 1091 OTHE MacaLtaw Distitucas, LTD, 


vol. 48, no. 11—november 2001 


со 
features 
76 WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT? 
Violence and rampage grab all the media attention, but the antiglobalization forces 
are an impressive mass movement—highly organized and highly molivated. Here 
are the voices and passion you've never heard. BY GINA WELCH 
Plus: A LETTER FROM THE SIXTIES A journalist who chronicled the protests of 40 
years ago has words of wisdom for today's demonstrators. BY JACK NEWFIELD 
94 HOW TO DATE A GIRL SMARTER THAN YOU 
Drooling over that brainy babe who thinks you're an idiot every time you open your 
mouth? Don't worry. Here's how to cheat your way into her bed. BY WILL LEE 
114 ORAL HISTORY 
U.S. servicemen came to love it while liberating France. But saucy cave girls had 
figured it out long before. BY DEBRA OLLIVIER 
121 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: JAMI FERRELL 
She has this fantasy of drifting into a room nude while a man's asleep and—well, 
you can guess the rest. Oh, she also has a thing about faucets in а tub. 
122 20Q WILL FERRELL 
The top-billed vet of Saturday Night Live and the go-to Bush mimic talks about 
culting in line at Disneyland, his SNL all-star team and why we'll never see the 
Barfing Bigol. BY DAVID RENSIN 
126 DIRTY SKATE KINGS 
These lords of the board turn half-pipe dreams into millions of dollars—without 
ever quitting the asphalt underground. BY DEAN KUIPERS 
fiction 
92 THE LETTERMAN 
Every college kid dreams of an Amsterdam hooker, and Gregor had an excuse 
to go. His father lived there. Turned out Daddy also had a very attractive 
mistress, BY ALICIA ERIAN 
interview 
63 JOEL AND ETHAN COEN 


The mavericks behind Fargo, Barton Fink and Blood Simple are back with 

а new noir. To set the stage, the Coen brothers ruminate on а few favorite topics: 
Blowing up animals, Brando as a bagel and why Hollywood has a hard-on 

for independents. BY KRISTINE MCKENNA 


cover 


ANGELICA BRIDGES 15 RED HOT: The Miller 
Lite model and former Baywatch siren stands 


out in а crowd. "You can't help but notice а 
redheod," explains Angelico. The fiery actress 
has appeared in more than 20 television se- 
ries. Davis Factor of aRT miX shot the cover. 
“That’s а wrap,” says our very hip Rabbit. 


vol. 48, no. 11 


jovember 2001 


À А | 1 | | 
contents continued 
pictorials 
82 SEX IN CINEMA 44 MEN 
Nicole Kidman as a courtesan, 
4 47 MANTI 
the Marquis de Sade in his oum RACK 
feature and a film so shocking it 51 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
was banned in France. Who could узо PARTY JOKES 
ask for anything more? 
163 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
98 PLAYMATE: 
LINDSEY VUOLO 179 ON THE SCENE 
Her three favorite things are danc- 180 GRAPEVINE 
ing, skiing and—she'll leave it to 
your imagination. 182 POTPOURRI 
130 ANGELICA 
Angelica still believes in Southern lifestyle 
hospitality. You'll love her biscuits. —- 
112 MARTINI MOMENT 
There's a new effort to update the 
notes and news great cocktail with wild recipes 
13 FUN IN THE SUN and ingredients. We sampled. 
Hef celebrates the Fourth with Liz BY RICHARD CARLETON HACKER 
Hurley and Oliver Stone. іле WAR ЗОНЕ 
14 MORE FUN IN THE SUN Microsoft blasts into the video- 
The platinum party posse hits game biz. As amazing as the prod- 
Disneyland and the Playboy иа are ils skate-punk roots. 
енш. BY JASON BUHRMESTER 
53 THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
Sex in many countries and privacy 
nightmares here. reviews ES 
175 PLAYMATE NEWS 32 MOVIES 
Victoria's Playmate secret; Jon Fairuza Balk; why we love indies 
Stewart's favorites. БА 
за VIDEO 
The Godfather on DVD and other 
depariments Mob hits. 
5 PLAYBILL 38 MUSIC 
17 DEAR PLAYBOY Joe Strummer and a leftist Coup. 
21 AFTER HOURS 42 BOOKS 
40 WIRED Quincy Jones! autobiography, a 
41 LIVING ONLINE history of the pill. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


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Anything Goes" with KahlG&, 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 


KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 


LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 


FORUM: JAMES n. PETERSEN senior staff writer; c ROWE associale editor; varıy Lamberto editorial 


assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER assistant editor; DAN HENLEY 


HRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; ALISON LUNDGREN, BARBARA 


administrative assistant; STAF 


NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT в. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; REAGAN 


BROOKS. LINDA FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER HAEBE CAROL KUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, OLGA 


STAVROPOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; COPY: BRETT HUSTON 
associate editor; ANANEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; 
GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH. KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; тім GALVIN 


JOSEPH HIGAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; URVAN BRAUER assistant; CONTRIBUTING 


EDITORS: ASA BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION). JOE DOLCE. GRETCHEN EDGREN. LAWRENCE CROBEL 


KEN GROSS. WARREN КАКВАСКЕК, 0. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
DERSON. BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS Senior 


кеміс: rore managing art director; SCOTT AN 


art directors; вов WILSON assistant art director; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art 


assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast edilor; ИМ LARSON managing editor; KEVIN RUSTER STEPHANIE NORRIS 
senior editors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; RICHARD 


FEGLEY. ARNY FREYTAG. RICHARD 1211. DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA 


contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer; вил wite studio manager— 


los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN 


PENNY EKKERT, GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY FONTARELLI. RICHARD 


QUAKTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU а 


sociale managers; JOE CANE. BARB TERIELA fypeselters; вил. BENWAY 


SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KHOWCZYK, ELAINE PERRY assistants 


CIRCULATION 


LARRY А. DJERF newsstand sales director: PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


JAMES к. DIMONEKAS publisher 


ADVERTISING 
PHYLLIS KESSLER new york advertising manager; Jot norsen midwest sales manager; HELEN 


GIANCULLL direct response manager; TERRI BUNOFSKY marketing director; DONNA TAVOSO creative 


services director; CAROL STUCKHARDT research director; NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPH SUE JAFFE 


MIKE TRIUNFO; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER; CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER. BILL ROUSE; 


ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ, SARAH HUEY, GREG MADDOCK; MARIE FIRNENO advertising business 


manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator 


READER SERVICE 


MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents 


ADMIN 


ISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights 


permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


MICHAEL v сани president, publishing division 


Pour | part КаМба. T 
* lI parts Stoli vodka over ice. Stir. 
` j: Then enjoy the ev veni мар 


TAHITI LOOKS A LOT DIFFERENT AT 225 MPH. 


105 difficult to appreciate some of the greatest tourist destinations in the world when you're racing through them at 225 mph. But with aver 30 different racecourses and 
cars from the world's top manufacturers which are created according ta the exact specifications of their real-life counterparts, you'll feel like you could. Besides, when the 
‚competition starts battling with you for every inch of space on the track, you won't have time to see the sights. However, you can test your skills in the intense arcade mode 
or the simulation mode, where true car fanatics can supe-up their cars to no end. So don't worry about packing all your things, because if you're good, it'll be a short trip. 


om NA 
| юэ Gran Tatum ts a trademark of Sony Computer Entertainment Amarica Inc. Al menutacurr, сал, namas, brands and associated Imagery ня in bis çame ал trademarks and/or copyrighted 


POLYPHONY | пази of theis respective owner. N rts reserved © 2001 Sory Computor Entertainment inc "PlayStation" and Үл “Р” Fary logo are egere бета of Sony Comput Errat ie. 


Hef celebrated the Fourth of July at the Man- 
sion with a roller-disco pool party and fire- 
works. (1) Hef with patriotically attired girl- 
friends Dalene Kurtis, Christi Shake and 
Tiffany Holliday. (2) Thora Birch takes a spin. 
(3) Hef with Elizabeth Hurley and boyfriend, 


producer Steve Bing. (4) LAPD cop Ginger 
Harrison, featured out of uniform in the Ju- 
ly 2001 issue, with her husband. (5) Victoria 
Fuller goes pie crazy. (6) Stephanie Heinrich 
chooses classic skates. (7) Girls galore. 

(8) Directors Oliver Stone and Michael 

Bay with Lisa Dergan. (9) The Rabbit 

Head navel ring. (10) Watching the 

best fireworks display in town. (11) 
Mansion regulars Scott Baio and Jea- 

nette Jonsson. (12) Topless time on the 
trampoline. (13) Verne Troyer and Ca- 
nadian Centerfold candidate Chan- 

tal Vachon. (14) Anka Romensky and 
Jennifer Walcott. (15) Hef chills with 
Motown founder Berry Gordy. 


Summer kicks included a trip to Disneyland, 
Sunday pool parties and the annual Playboy 
Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bowl. (1) A 
sweet afternoon at Disneyland. (2) Tina Jor- 
dan and Dalene Kurtis. (3) The Hef Troop on 
an Indiana Jones adventure. (4) The Dahms 
with Survivor's Jeff Probst and Colby Donald- 
son at a Mansion Hollywood Records party. (5) 
VH1's Roshumba and Rebecca Rankin with 
MTV's Brian McFayden and Chris Connelly at 
the Hollywood Records bash. (6) Antoinette 
Abbott rides a rubber alligator. (7) Stephanie 
Heinrich and Tiffany Holliday take Beamer 
for a swim. (8) Sandra Westgate and Sydney 
Moon enjoy the Grotto. (9) Sandra and Sydney 
mack on the host. (10) 1999 PMOY Heather 
Kozar. (11) Anka Romensky, Jennifer Walcott, 
Sydney and Nancy Ramos. (12) Femi Aniku- 
lapo-Kuti and the Positive Force rock the Jazz 
Fest. (13) Jamie Foxx and friends at Jazz Fest. 
(14) Hefand his posse sit in the front row. (15) 
Hef with Bill Cosby, emcee of the Jazz Fest 
since its inception in the Seventies. 


Ж 
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Kin 


Dear Playboy 


580 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPEGOPLAYBOLCOM 


GO, GO, BELINDA 

When the Go-Go's opened a concert 
for the Police in 1982, spinning in their 
fabulous outfits before a mesmerized au- 
dience in icy Largo, Maryland, I knew 
that Belinda Carlisle (Beauty and the Beat, 
August) would be unforgettable. I'd like 
to thank pLayaoy for a spectacular pic- 
torial that brought back lots of great 
memories. 

Paul Eden 


Lexington, Tennessee 


Turning 40 hasn't been too easy for 
me, but seeing Belinda’s gorgeous photo 
spread has been an inspiration. At 42. 
she is every bit as beautiful as your 21- 
year-old Centerfolds. 

Jane Backes 
Pasadena, California 


Belinda is back. 


As a longtime admirer of Bclinda's 
work, I looked forward to her PLaYBOY 
appearance, expecting a voluptuous, 
curvaceous debut. What I saw was some- 
thing closer to the computer imaging 
used in Shrek. 

John Drennan 
St. Paul, Minnesota 

We tried to get Shrek, but he turned 

us down. 


I have wanted to see Belinda Carlisle 
naked since 1981, when I was in the 
cighth grade. 

Chris Simmons 
Southport, North Carolina 


As а gay man, I'm not predisposed to 
subscribe to your magazine. But I had to 
have a copy of the August issue with the 
most beautiful woman in the world, Be- 
linda Carlisle, pictured on your cover. 
Before 1 came to recognize my sexual 
orientation, I was in love—as only a teen- 
ager could be—with her. Her photos are 
elegant and sensuous. 

Tracy Burridge 
Haines City, Florida 


WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE 
Barbet Schroeder's Colombia: Land of 

Death (August) shook me to the roots. Al- 
though the U.S. historically has not been 
belligerent and imperialistic, for human- 
itarian purposes we should attack and 
conquer Colombians and reintroduce 
them to civilization. 

Lynn Brillantes 

San Francisco, California 


BATTY FOR TIM BURTON 
Thank you for your unparalleled in- 
terview with Tim Burton (August). His 
work and his vision reflect his genius. 
I've admired the man for years and I 
have read every article about him and 
interview with him. This was, by far, the 
best piece I've read. 
Dustin Keeling 
Longview, Washington 


The Science Part. 


Seiko Kinetic. The technology that 
started a revolution in timekeeping. 
Its the first quartz watch powere: 
by human movement, а develop- 
ment so significant, it led to the 


application of more than 50 patents. 


Before Kinetic, watches relied 
on batteries, springs and winding 
mechanisms. Never again. Now, 
all that's required is the slightest 
motion of your wrist and your 


watch is charged. 


Motion. Energy. Time. It really is 


a science. 


SALT LAKE 2002 


OFFICIAL TIMER 


SEIKO 


Named Official Timer at Six Olympic Games Since 1964 


2001 Seiko Corporation of America 


PLAYBOY 


How about a big clap for Tim Bur- 

ton? Now someone buy him а bat comb. 
Paul Harrison Ш 
Birmingham, Alabama 


SHE'S BITCHIN’ 

Katie Moran is dead-on right (Life's a 
Bitch and So Is Dating, August). It appears 
that even a woman trying to get a date 
with another woman has to endure what 
men have endured. 

William Jensen 
Alvin, Texas 


I know what it’s like to get jerked 
around by beautiful women. I've spent 
half of my adult life chasing and wooing 
them. The results were often devastat- 
ing. I was always the one who called and 
sent flowers or cards, and then felt re- 
sponsible for their lack of interest. Now 
that Гуе come to understand that one 
must always be prepared to set a woman 
free, I'm happily engaged to someone 
who makes every day a blessing. 

Tim Lohnes 

Milford, Connecticut 


THE OTHER 51 
OK, ГИ play the game. According to 
your “Musical Shares” item (Raw Data, 


Go, Ohio. 


August), country music accounts for 11 
percent of total sales, hip-hop is 13 per- 
cent and rock accounts for 25. That to- 
tals 49 percent. So what kind of music 
got the 51 percent of sales? 
Jack Leahy 
‘Twain Harte, California 
Our figures follow the consumer profile 
published by the Recording Industry Associ- 
ation of America. The remaining sales come 
from pop, R&B and urban, jazz, classical, 
religious and children’s music. Other—which 
makes up eight percent—is an umbrella 
for smaller categories such as humor and spo- 


18 ken word. 


FALL INTO THE GAP 

Congratulations to Asa Baber for 
standing up to the pervasive attitude 
of “woman good, man bad” (Men, “The 
Pay Gap Trap,” August). Even if it's true 


that women earn only 76 percent of 


what men earn—which Baber so ably 
disproves—women make up that extra 
24 percent easily with all of the unfair 
advantages they have. 
Dave Morris 
Dallas, Texas 


In response to Baber's usual woc-is-us 
exercise, I would like to say that women 
who complain of a pay gap are not en- 
ürely wrong. The glass ceiling and the 
old boys’ club hiring and promotion 


practices are alive and well, and they ; 


serve to discourage women from pursu- 
ing many business careers. It's not, as 
Baber claims, that women just choose 
lower-paying jobs. 
Thomas Niksa 
State College, Pennsylvania 
Baber responds: Not that I'm immature or 
anything, but Dave is my new best friend— 
and Tom can't play with us at recess until he 
stops sucking up to the teacher. 


GOOD VIBRATIONS 
You guys are going to put me into 
debt. Alter seeing the Tongue Joy vibra- 
tor (After Hours, July), 1 called the num- 
ber and apprehensively purchased one 
with the turbo attachment, thinking my 
wife might like it. All it took was a sin- 
gle turbo session and she rated it two 
tongues up. Now I can't keep enough 
batteries on hand to have that machine 
running at peak efficiency. 
Gary Dodd 
Lockhart, Texas 


Thank you, PLAYBOY, for mentioning 
our product, even if the office phones 
went into meltdown from all the calls. 
Our customer service number, 877-456- 
7742, or our website, tonguejoy.com, can 
handle the volume. 

David Shockley 
President 

‘Tongue Joy Products 
Austin, Texas 


BUCKEYE BABE 
Jennifer Walcott (Kickin' It, August) 
says she likes a guy who is in touch with 
his feminine side. Now that's a refresh- 
ing change. I wish there were more wom- 
en like her in the world. 
Christopher Brigham 
Boston, Massachusetts 


Jennifer Walcou makes me proud to 
be an Ohioan. Coincidentally, many of 
your most recent Centerfolds are from 
the Buckeye State. That should be ample 
proof to the rest of the nation that we 
grow more than corn here. 

Glenn Hosste 
Columbus, Ohio 


Bisexual high jinks. 


HALF SMART 
After reading your piece on smart cars 

(Wired, August), Microsoft's newest gift 
to the public, I must ask whether the 
people at Cadillac and Mercedes have 
ever used a Microsoft product. As an in- 
formation technology professional, 1 
can't see Benz owners pulling over to re- 
boot because their car's operating system 
has locked up. 

Scott McDaniel 

New Orleans, Louisiana 


FLYING HIGH 

Every time I read your magazine, I see 
the catchphrase “What kind of man 
reads тлувоур" I've enclosed a photo of 
myself reading your May issue while on 
a 15,000-foot skydive. I was so into the 


The sky's the limit. 
articles that I almost forgot to deploy my 
parachute. A thumbs-up to your photog- 
raphers for all their great work. 


John Christian 
Grafton Township, Ohio 


SUCCESS 
IS ONE THING, 


ENJOYING IT 


IS ANOTHER. 


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after hours 


A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


RIDING MISS DAISY 
It's every man's worst nightmare, and 
it happened to porn star Dave Hard- 
man: His mother has just made a porn 
film. According to our favorite guilty 
pleasure, Adult Video News, Hardman's 
mom, Davina Hardman, recently fin- 
ished filming Mature Kink 14. “Pro- 
duction Manager Johnny Packwood 
asked Davina if she wanted to try a 
scene,” recalls director Jim Powers. 
“Dave was pissed off. He came run- 
ning over to me, yelling, ‘My mother has 
a heart condition!’ He was really upset, 
you know, screaming about how we were 
all animals.” Gee, we wonder why. But 
that wasn't the only problem on th 
Powers had to interrupt a key scene to 
inform performer Fritz the Cat he had 
glue on his penis, left there by Davina af- 
ter an energetic gum job. 


SLEEPING AROUND 


For about 10 grand, you're 
anteed the ultimate in bed spi 
thanks to the Carillan rotating b: 
At the touch of a remate, the та 
tress platform (available in king 
and queen sizes) turns to fo > 
vision that emerges fram а waadei 
cabinet behind the headboard. The 
bed is made in Italy by Prealpi and 
is distributed by Verstile in Mon- 
treal. A crib well suited for single 

guys, 

cipal material 

is, af 

cherry 


set 


MORNING GLORY 15 THE STORY 


Even if you're not a morning person, the sight of a gorgeous woman climbing 
out of bed will get your kettle boiling. However, you usually don't roll over of. 
ter a night of drinking and screwing to find Denise Richards or Frédérique van 
der Wal (above) next to you. So thank goodness for photographer Véronique 
Vial. She has the kind of access to stars typically limited to heraes of Hefnerian 
stature. And you get to enjoy the beauties in her callection, Women Before 10 
Ам. (Power House), without them telling you to brush your teeth beforehand. 


ONE NATION UNDER A GROOVE from 1010 one: spring break at Lake Ha- 


Where's the best party on the plan- 
et? Sounds like a no-brainer to us. But 
the Travel Channel decided to scour the 
world for the “craziest, wildest, most 
mind-boggling party spots in the world” 
before coming full circle—right back to 

the Playboy Mansion. (Next time, they 

could save time by just asking Hef for 
the list.) Based on their research, here 
are the world's top parties, in order 


vasu on the Colorado River, the annual 
Fetish and Fantasy Halloween Ball in 
Las Vegas, Quebec's annual Winter Car- 
nival (held in February), year-round par- 
ties at the Hedonism II resort in Jamai- 
ca, any of the nightly parties at Cabo 
Wabo and the Giggling Marlin in Cabo 
San Lucas, Mexico, New Year's Eve in 
Times Square, the monthly Full Moon 
Party in Koh Phangan, Thailand, all-year 


21 


22 


WHEN THE FREAK FLAG FLEW 


1 photos of the Sixties project a timeless 

mystique. Ignore the academic dissertations on 

the counterculture. If you want to understand the sexual revolution, look no 
further than the shot of fembot Brigitte Bardot shaking it in a towel (above, at 
left). It's freedom, baby! The picture is from In the Sixties, published by Pavilion 
Books (and distributed by Trafalgar Square). The series is full of similar photos 
from the four corners of the groovy world. There’s a book each on London, 
New York, San Francisco and Paris. They are reminders of when dudes were 
dudes, chicks were chicks and a rash was just a way of saying, "I love you.” 


clubbing in Ibiza, Spain, Mardi Gras in 
New Orleans, and, at number one, any 
party at the Playboy Mansion—which, 
we might add, is not a bad place when 
there is no party, either. 


GRINNING FROM 
CHEEK TO CHEEKS 


According to How to Goodbye Depres- 
sion, the grammatically challenged self- 
help book by Hiroyuki Nishigaki, a sure 
cure for the clinical blues is to clench 
your anus 100 times each day. The se- 
cret, we suspect, is that after about 50 
good clenches, you start laughing at the 
absurdity of it all. 


MUTUAL ATTRACTIONS 


President George W. Bush seems de- 
termined to plunk some of our Social Se- 
curity money into the stock market. On 
top of that, Wall Street analysts see a ma- 


jor uptrend in the market's future. It can 


only mean there's money to be made in 
investing. And we mean to make some. 
Not, as we foolishly tried before, by put- 
ting our savings into stocks, but through 
a more lucrative method: starting our 
own family of mutual funds and watch- 
ing the money roll in 

Gut-Feeling Fund: We tour promising 
new companies and assay their finances, 
their office decor and how they angle 
their heads as they make eye contact. 

Doofus Fund: Tired of all that compli- 
cated financial terminology? Hey, we're 
rubes just like you. No airs, no pres- 
sure—and take advantage of the free 
coupons in our prospectus. 


Select Ceramics Fund: Statuettes of Scot- 
ties and novelty Vegas ashtrays—as long 
as there are widows and divorcées in 
trailer parks, this market sector has legs. 

Numerology Fund: When the price-to- 
carnings ratio, divided by the number of 
board members, times the date, is dou- 
ble the sum of the digits in the company 


phone number, we buy, buy, buy! 


DISH OF THE MONTH 
~ ч V 


Nostradamus Fund: Our select 
team of professional clairvoyants 
will keep you ahead of market 
trends—often decades ahead 

Hat-Pick Fund: We can't dis- 
close the details of our propri- 
ctary equity-evaluation system, 
but it has stood the test of time. 
(Formerly offered as the Dart- 
board Fund.) 


life, I'm not the 


—Cindy Crawford 


ADD Fund: Our management 
team of certified attention-deficit- 
disorder sufferers guarantees 
you an exhilarating annual port- 
folio turnover rate of 800 percent. 

Strategic Cardboard Fund: Just when 
you thought that every possible com- 
modity had been covered by Fidelity, our 
indefatigable marketing geniuses strike a 
blow for ingenuity, 

U-Tell-Us Fund: Calling all hands-on 
investors! We're open to suggestions and 
your guess is probably as good as ours 

Novice Fund: If “past performance is 
no guarantee of future results” as all the 
other funds say, why pay extra for port- 
folio experience? 


DROLL ROADS 


In West Chester, Ohio, Barret Road 
crosses nn Drive, which so amuses 
the people at State Farm Insurance that 
they declared Grinn and Barret the fun- 
niest intersection in the U.S. Apparenuy, 


L 


"M 


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REPLENISHES with Vitamins 
HYDRATES with Advanced Moisturizers 


WWW.niveausa.com 


тнє REVOLUTIONARY AFTER SHAVE BALM FROM NIVEA FOR MEN 
MORE EVOLVED SKINCARE 


ARNOLD ROTH 


PEN-AND-INK PAL 


We've published Arnold Roth's car- 
toons for almost as long as he's 
been drawing them, Next to a set 
of back issues, the Arnold Roth ex- 
hibition catalog (Fantagraphics) is 
the best way to admire his work, 
It's the companion to a new tray- 
eling retrospective that covers 50 
years of his illustrations. There's 
not a cheesy doodle among them. 


the insurers considered “tens of thou- 
sands” of crossroad candidates. The run- 
ners-up include the corner of Antonio 
and Banderas in Rancho Santa Margari- 
ta, California and the three-way crossing 
of Hickory, Dickory and Dock in Hara- 
han, Louisiana. Our personal favorite— 
the intersection of Ho and Hum іп Care- 
free, Arizona—only finished third. Then 


again, we probably read more into those 
words than State Farm does. 


THE RAP ON SHAG 


Before the start of the NBA preseason 
and on the large heels of his latest rap al 
bum, Shaquille O'Neal Presents His Su- 
perfriends, we corraled the Lakers’ 
All Star center for a Shaqmi 


about going postal and fitting into 
Porta Potties. 

PLAYBOY: You had а motorcycle cus- 
tom-built for you. Are the Hell's 
Angels running scared? 

5 They shouldn't be. 1 like 

т 

this one, but when I 
other bikers they'd say, 
bike's too small!” So I went to | 
see this guy, Jesse James, in Long 
Beach. He made this chopper 
and it's perfect. 

PLAYBOY: So we shouldn't worry that 
your song Psycho contuins lyrics such | 


о. 
and А. Here's the big guy talking % b 


аз "Respect and fear me. Ahh, I sug- 
gest you don't get near me. I’m psy- 
cho, and I don't think clearly. Crit 
when you hear this, don't say jack. Гт 

the shit. I was born out of my mother's ass 
crack"? 

SHAQ: I just feel psycho sometimes. But 
because of who I am, I have to put a cap 
on saying stuff like this. ГИ probably take 
heat for that song. But sometimes I get 
crazy. 1 swing in the air. I run ший 1 
can't breathe anymore. Everyone has a 
psycho side to him. 

PLAYBOY: Al a Sean Combs party, you had 
trouble fitting into а Porta Polti. What are the 
other drawbacks to being the tallest rapper? 
SHAQ: I made myself fit inside that Por- 
ta Potti. 1 had to. 1 love being tall. Tall 


men are sexy. 
PLAYBOY: Finally —what's the craziest thing a 
woman has ever done to get your attention? 

ЗНАО: A woman knocked on my hotel 
room door wearing a trench coat. She 
didn't have anything on underneath. 
But I didn't know her, so I slammed the 

door in her face. 


IM NATION 


Here's the best thing about col- 
lege girls: While we keep getting 


M 


reserve the righi 


\ 


| 4 


Ї older, they stay the same 
Ñ age. But they talk funny— 
at least when they're us- 

ing AOL's instant messaging. Like e-mail 
before it, IMing is the latest technology 
to develop its own lexicon. Think of it as 
a keyboard cousin to Valley Girl-speak. 
Use these terms whether you're zapping 
a young girl, or just trying to imperson- 
ate one: 

j/k: Just kidding. 

fay: Favorite. 

UK?: Are you OK? 

brb: Be right back. 

bf: Boyfriend. 

OMG: Oh my God! 

nel: Anyone. 

ASL: Age? Sex? Location? 


WHY GIRLS SAY YES—REASON #38 


Because | wanted to sleep with his girlfriend. “One guy got between my legs just because he was doting my girlfriend. I 
was eager to experience the touch and taste of a woman and persuaded my friend ond her man to ex- 

periment with о ménage а trois one night after a gome of Truth or Dare. | was interested in being 

with her—he was just at the right place at the right time. Call it the luck af the draw. The seduc- 

tion went according to plan. His role was to make my friend comfortable with the new experi- £4 

ence, and he ended up getting a full girlie show ond more. It took at least half the night to work fy 


thraugh all the body combinations.” 


EXFOLIATE | are " | ms 


more way NIN 
IMPROVE T 


26 


` 
SIGNIFICA, 


QUOTE 

“БП bet that 
you wish I was 
a puppet so 
you could 
stick your 
hand up my 
ass and make 
me do what 
you want." — 
MARLON BRAN- 
DO TO DIRECTOR 
FRANK OZ, FORMERLY 
THE VOICE AND PUP- 
PETEER OF MISS PIGGY 


EYEWITLESS 

Of the 86 death- 
row inmates Who 
have been exon- 
erated since 1972, 
number who had 
been identified as 
the perpetrator by 
eyewitness testimo- 
ny: 46. 


AIMING LOW 
Percentage of adults who say their 
number one health goal for the com- 
ing year is to stay healthy: 30. Per- 
centage who say their goal is to stay 
alive: 2. 


THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN 
Amount the Yakama Indian Nation 
billed the Bonneville Power Adminis- 
tration for performing two ritual rain 
ceremonies to alleviate a drought 
limiting hydroelectric power produc- 


tion: $32,000. 


SHOWER ME THE MONEY 
During the past 10 seasons, per- 
centage increase in the average sala- 
ry of an NFL player: 279. Percentage 
increase for a major league baseball 
player: 379. Of an NBA player: 429. 
Ofan NHL player: 517. 


FUELISH ACTIVITIES 

Total energy consumption in the 
United States in 1999 from all sources 
(oil, gas, coal, hydroelectric, nuclear, 
solar, wind, geothermal, wood and 
waste), as expressed in quadrillions 
of British thermal units: 97. Total 
quadrillions of British thermal units 
consumed by Russia, Japan, Ger- 
many, India, France and the UK com- 
bined: 94, 


FACT OF THE MONTH 

The tradition of playing 
football on Thanksgiving Бе: 
gan in 1876, when Yale defeat 
ed Princeton 2-0 in the Inter- 
collegiate Football Association 
national championship game. 


INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


AWOOF IN 
SHEEPSKIN 
Number of hon- 
orary college de- 
grees awarded to 
Jimmy Carter: 20. 
Number of degrees 
given to Ronald 
Reagan: 20. To 
George Bush the 
elder: 64. To Fred 
“Mister” Rogers: 
38. To Bill Cosby: 
100 to 120. 


GOLDEN-GATED 

COMMUNITIES 

Of the five most 
expensive towns in 
America—based on 
the median price of 
a home—number 
located within 30 
miles of San Fran- 
cisco: 3. 


DIS TRESSED 
The percentage 
of women age 30 and older who say 
the feature that most betrays their 
age is their face: 11. Percentage who 
say their body gives them away: 15. 
Percentage who blame their hair: 21. 


LOTTO ACTION 
Per capita amount spent on lotter- 
ies in Montana in 2000: $33. Per capi- 
ta amount spent on lotteries in Rhode 
Island: $823. 


SMALL TALK 
The number of the world's recog- 
nized languages that are now spoken 
by fewer than 10 people: 184. 


STAIN LONG? 
As part of a crime scene investiga- 
tion conducted by the Des Moines po- 
lice, number of semen stains found 


on one Holiday Inn bedspread: 38. 


GONE IN 30 SECONDS 
Average time between motor yehi- 
cle thefts in the U.S.: 30 seconds. 


DRIVER, TEXAS DANGER 
Of the five most dangerous inter- 
sections in the U.S., number that are 
on either Belt Line Road or Preston 
Road, or both, in the greater Dallas 
area: 3. — ROBERT S. WIEDER 


THE TIP SHEET 


Washington to-do list, item #5: “Pick up 
boss’ Viagra refill.” One of the most fre- 
quently requested prescriptions by law- 
makers from the Bethesda National Na- 
val Medical Center is Bob Dole's little 
blue pal. No wonder the interns last on- 
ly a year. 

Delayed-sleep-phase syndrome: Defined 
by New York sleep-disorders specialist 
Dr. Michael Thorpy, the disability is an 
overwhelming urge to stay out late par- 
tying, which produces a clinical inability 
to wake up on time 

Genetic Savings and Clone: The funniest 
named of several enterprises that for 
$1000 will preserve cells from your dog, 
cat or other pet for possible cloning in 
the future. Runner-up: PerPETuate 

Buggy Balls: 1 your 4x4 has cojones 
and you want the world to know, you 
can pick up a set of truck-sized balls at 
buggyballs.com and hang them from its 
chassis. Leaves a nice trail when you're 
off-roading, too. 

The Whizzinator: 

Brand of plastic 


GOLDEN GLOBES 


| 
For all Troci Binghom's wark on Вау- | 
watch and Bottlebots, her best per- 
formance of late was her arrival ot 
the Grammy Awards in jeweled 
body paint. Now the Los Angeles 
designer who created the outfit, 
Tina-Marie Stoker, is getting ready 
ta launch a do-it-yourself version. | 
Funny, whenever we apply hame- 
made glue and pearls on our girl- | 
friend, she yells for tissues. | 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking 


Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


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30 


Hot Lesbian Action and, in the hey-we- 
can-relate-to-that bit, Sculptor Criticized 
for Turning Women Into Objects. 


PLUCKY LUCIANO 


La donna is mobile, but the big guy 
ain't. When it comes to contract perks, 
Luciano Pavarotti holds his own with 
the largest acts in rock. Consider his 
agreement to perform at Hyde Park th 

summer, which stipulated that at no 
point would he have to labor more than 
25 feet on foot. The producers provided 


Y 


LACE-AND-LEATHER MA 


penis used by people during mandatory 
drug tests to fake compliance and dis- 
pense unadulterated urine. 

The Sopranos, Chicago style: A compel- 
ling true-crime book, Everybody Pays (Put- 
nam) by Maurice Possley and Rick Ko- 
gan documents one eyewitness’ attempt 
to put a Chicago hit man in jail. 

The wireless warbler: Ornithologists say 
songbirds are mimicking the ring of mo- 
bile phones. One man in Denmark even 
has a bird in his garden called Nokia. 


GETTING HEADLINES 


A couple of suggestions for CNN as 
the network attempts to find younger 
viewers: t, in reference to new an- 
chor Andrea Thompson (formerly of 
NYPD Blue and a sometime nude mod- 
el), take a wardrobe cue from Naked 
News. Second, CNN producers should 
follow the lead offered by The Onion, the 
country's top humor mag, and ditch all 
that cumbersome factual material. The 
Onion's new best-of book, Dispatches From 
the Tenth Circle (Three Rivers), is more 
edifying than talking heads playing 
point-counterpoint. A sampling of head- 
lines in the volume should give you the 
general idea: New 10-10-911 Saves Emer- 
gency Victims Up to 30 Percent, Consumer 
Confidence Verging on Cockiness, Standard 
Deviation Not Enough for Perverted Statis- 
tician, Georgia Adds Swastika and Middle 
Finger to State Flag, Arabs, Israelis Sign 
Screw Peace Accord, Lesbian Couple Enjoys 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 163, 


an industrial jack to lift Luciano, in his 
саг, from the ground to his dressing room, 


LIKE A ROLE IN STONE 


If the winged statue of Saint Michael 
atop the Trondheim Cathedral in Nor- 
way seems familiar, perhaps it's because 
it was modeled after Bob Dylan. That's 
the recent revelation made by sculptor 
Kristofer Leirdal, who created it for the 
cathedral's restoration in 1969. Maybe 
this will silence critics who insist it actual- 
ly resembles Phil Ochs. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


FIVE STAR COLLECTION 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


ING the wherewithal to make a mov- 
ie is a formidable task, but getting your 
movie seen can be even tougher. 5 
month, a number of worthwhile inde- 
pendent films are counting on critical 
support—and word of mouth—to find 
an audience. 

Music-video veteran and New York 
restaurateur Bob Giraldi cleared the first 


with controversial subject matter The 
fine Scottish actor Brian Cox stars as a 
Fagin-like pederast who meets his match 
in a lost soul, a Long Island boy (Paul 
Franklin Dano) who is nobody's fool. Al- 
ready hailed at several film festivals, it 
has fallen into a trap: It received an 
NC-17 rating (even though little of an 
explicit nature is shown), which means 
some theater chains will not play it, and 
many newspapers will not accept its ad- 
vertisements. This severely impedes the 
distributor's ability to get Г.Е. out to 
the public. A film as thoughtful and pro- 
vocative as this shouldn't be suppressed. 

The Aussie import Better Than Sex (¥¥¥/2) 
manages to treat the subject of sexual ге- 
lationships with humor as well as candor 
from both a woman's and a man's point 
of view: how we feel before, during and 
after intercourse; what we want to say 
but don't; and how we sometimes cheat 
ourselves because of our inhibitions. Su- 
sie Porter and David Wenham play the 
couple that shares their thoughts with 


32 


Porter ond Wenhom: Getting better at Sex. 


hurdle by financing Dinner Rush (YYY) him- 
self. Buteven after exposure at such pres- 
tigious showcases as the Telluride Film 
Festival, it has taken a year to come to 
theaters. Danny Aiello heads the cast of 
this yarn about a wild night in the life 
of a Manhattan restaurant. It's not per- 
fect, but it has more spark and life than 
most of the Hollywood sludge I've been 
obliged to see this year. 

LLE. (¥¥¥) is an intelligent, adult film 


us—if not always with each other—in 
Jonathan Teplitzky's funny, candid, erot- 
ic and refreshing film. 

Go Tigers (YYY) challenges moviegoers 
to plunk down their money at the box 
office to see a documentary, which is of- 
ten a hard sell. The success of Kenneth 
Carlson's highly entertaining film about 
the town of Massillon, Ohio and its 106- 
year obsession with high school football 
will depend largely on people recom- 
mending it to their friends and convinc- 
ing them that it's an evening well spent. 
Bel 


lieve me, it is. 


SCENE STEALER 


FAIRUZA BALK. ON THE CHARAC- 
TER SHE PLAYS IN THE FIFTIES DRA- 
MA DEUCES WILD, NOW IN THE- 
ATERS: "She's cool. She's had 

a really hard life, and she's 
nuts. Her brother is a drug 
dealer and into the cool gang 
scene. She's been left to be 

the adult all her life, so 


she's tough." HERUNEX- 1 
PECTED NATURAL HIGH: 
“My greatest compli- 
ment was being rec- 
XE ed 


ognized by two wom. 
en who said, ‘Oh 

yeah, you were the 

girl in The Craft.’ 

‘Then they continued | 
talking and men- 

tioned this girl and 

another girl, in Val- 

mont and Things to Do in 

Denver When You're Dead, 

and they thought they 


were two different actresses. That 
means you've changed so 
completely and your char- 
acter is so believable that 

they don't connect it to 

1 That's what we all 

strive for as actors.” WHY 

SHE LOVES MERYL STREEP: 

"She's my idol in the act- 

ing world. She's the 

— pinnacle. How she em- 
braces her characters, 

the depth of her char- 

acters, is incredible to 

me. And everyone I've 

ever spoken to who's 

= worked with her says 
how incredible she 15 to 
work with.” WHAT COM- 
PLETELY TERRIFIES HER: 
“I'm terrified that one 
day ГИ see myself in a 
movie. That's my great 
est fear, ever” —LM 


MOVIE SCORE CARD: 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Better Than Sex (See review) Australia 
has given us one of the sexiest movies 
ever made—and one of the most can- 
did examinations of male-female re- 
lationships, in and out of bed. ¥¥¥/2 
Dinner Rush (Sce review) Danny Aiello 
plays a New York restaurateur and 
bookie whose businesses clash during 
one tumultuous night. A bit outland- 
ish, but fun to watch. УУУ 
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Listed 
only) If this is the future of movie- 
making, we're in trouble. Computer- 
simulated actors star in a mildly bor- 
ing sf tale; their voices are provided 
by really good actors we'd rather see 
than hear (including Ming-Na, Alec 
Baldwin, James Woods, Ving Rhames 
and Donald Sutherland). Even in a 
their faces could never be 
nless as their computer 
counterparts. yy 
Go Tigers (See review) An entertaining 
portrait of Massillon, Ohio, where 
high school football is an obsession. 
This first-rate cinema verité docu- 
mentary by Kenneth Carlson proves 
once again that nothing is quite as 
compelling as real life. yy 
LLE. (See review) Brian Cox stars as 
a pederast who preys on Long Island 
boys, but finds one teenager to be ип- 
usually challenging. This is provoca- 
tive, perceptive and intelligent adult 
entertainment. Ww 
Novocaine (Listed only) Steve Martin 
plays a dentist who falls for a femme 
fatale. Helena Bonham Carter and 
Laura Dern co-star in this film noir 
that winds up a bloody black comedy. 
Good performances, but some clever 
ideas don't quite pan out. УУ 
Planet of the Apes (Listed only) No 
match for the original, this slick mov- 
ie still entertains, with Mark Wahlberg 
as the space traveler who winds up on. 
a hostile simian-run planet. Director. 
Tim Burton’s touch isn't as evident as 
makeup artist Rick Baker'sis. ЗУУ 
Rat Race (Listed only) Whoopi Gold- 
berg, Rowan Atkinson, Cuba Good- 
ing Jr. and Jon Lovitz head а spir- 
ited cast in Jerry Zucker's funny 
comedy that is inspired by It’s a Mad, 
Mad, Mad, Mad World. wy 
Summer Catch (Listed only) Freddie 
Prinze Jr. wants to play baseball in the 
worst way, and almost gets his wish, in 
this teen movie that wants to be too 
many different things at once. 111 


УУУУ Don't miss 
УУУ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


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уси Spars manual vom cover (caver САН: 


NO. I'VE DECIDED TO ОРТ FOR A SMALL 
AND RATHER UNEVENTFUL LIFE. 


You could eat up a lifetime pondering what to do with your days on earth. Or you could take one look 
at a machine like the Wide Glide? And let gut instinct take it from there. Get a load of the high handlebar 
and stretched-out profile. We didn't hold anything back in building this ride. So what's 
holding you back? 1-800-600-3507 or www.harley-davidson.com. The Legend Rolls On: 


Mideo _ 


| 


ISI НИ 
| 08:20: D | 
"Му favorite new movie 15 
Amores Perros, which inter- 
twines three stories in a cre- 
ative way,” says actor 
Miguel Ferrer. “But 
when | was 12, Gold- 
finger was amazing. 
“No, Mr. Bond, | ех- 
pect you to die. Some 
of my other all-time 
favorites are Fail-Safe, 
Cool Hand Luke and 
Our Man Flint. Didn't 
James Coburn rock? 
And, of course, Casa- 
blanca, which | dis- 
covered after seeing 
Play It Again, Sam. | 
also have to go with A Clockwork Orange, 
which was rated X when it first came out. 
1 borrowed my friend's draft card and 
snuck in. Midnight Cowboy was rated X at 
first, too. And then there are all the other 
classic X movies—Behind the Green Door, 
The Devil in Miss Jones, Oeep Throat. At 
17 years old, it was a big event for me to 
see porn.” — SUSAN KARLIN 


DISC ALERT 


With all respect to Mervyn LeRoy (Little 
Caesar, 1930), Howard Hawks (Scarface, 
1932) and Raoul Walsh (White Heat, 
1949), Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather 
set the standard for screen gangster- 
dom. This three-film saga stands above 
the great genre films that followed in its 
wake, such as Brian De Palma's 1983 Scar 

face remake, Martin Scorsese's brilliant 
Goodfellas (1990), and HBO's The Sopra- 
nos. At its core a romantic celebration of 
family, the trilogy depicts the Corleones’ 
lives in sumptuous detail. The DVD col- 
lection (Paramount, $105) includes five 
individual discs—Ihe Godfather Part II is 
a two-disc affair, and the fifth disc in- 
cludes deleted scenes, rehearsals, story- 
boards, documentaries and features on 
the musicand cinematography. All three 
films appear in letterbox format, en- 
hanced for 16:9 televisions, with Dolby 
Digital 5.1 sound and, of course, Coppo- 
la's commentary.  —GREGORY P FAGAN 


MOB RULES 


Paramount has made us an offer we can't 
refuse. Then again, we could check out 
these Mob hits. 
Once Upon a Time in America (1984): Sergio 
Leone's final film, a largely disregarded 
masterpiece, uses five decades to build 
the powerful, affecting story of the rise 
34 апа fall of Noodles Aaronson (Robert De 


Niro). Find the 227-minute version, it's 
worth it. 

Little Caesar (1930): Edward С. Robinson 
established the archetype of the greedy, 
bloodthirsty mobster in this early action 
classic. Yeah, tough guy, see? 

Bugsy (1991): Visionary gangster Ben- 
jamin “Don't Call Me Bugsy” Siegel 
(Warren Beatty) dreams of building Las 
Vegas, but slinky actress Virginia Hill 
(Annette Bening) takes the checkbook 
Never sit with your back to а window 
Goodfellas (1990): “But, I'm funny how? 
Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make 
you laugh? I'm here to fuckin’ amuse 
you?” Yeah, but your punch lines are 
killers. 

The Sopranos (1999): You got time for 
this? 680 minutes, the entire first season, 
ison DVD, for a mere $99.98. 

Angels With Dirty Faces (1938): Dirty-rat 
gangster Rocky Sullivan (James Cagney) 
and boyhood friend Father Jerry Con 
nolly (Pat O'Brien) go their separate 
ways—jail, church—but meet in the ex- 
ecution chamber. The final 10 minutes 
are electrifying. 

Married to the Mob (1988): Michelle Pfeif- 
fer is a Clap (Crime Lord American 
Princess) who begins a romance with the 
detective (Matthew Modine) assigned to 
convince her to help nail boss Dean 
Stockwell. Why doesn’t Jonathan Demme 
do more comedies? 

Analyze This (1999): New York crime boss 
Robert De Niro, worried about panic 
attacks, sees shrink Billy Crystal to save 
his tough-guy rep. Talk about family 
therapy. 

Prizzi’s Honor (1985): Jack Nicholson is a 


One of the better 

things to come out 

of the Napoleonic 

Wars was the in- 

spiration for the fic- 

tional British soldier 

Richard Sharpe—a 

rifleman who served 

under Wellington. Ber- 

nard Cornwell's series 

of novels detailing 

Sharpe's exploits be- 

came the basis for Masterpiece Theater's 
production of the Sharpe series. № was а 
hit on TV and it is fabulous on DVD. Sean 
Bean, as Sharpe, is perfect as the hero el- 
evated from the ranks who eams the re- 
spect of his men, his general and a gaggle 
of ladies along the way. This is highbrow 
entertainment that accommodates our 
taste for gunpowder and action. The com- 
plete 15-disc set, from BFS Video, sells for 
$330. Francophiles beware: This is a bi- 
ased view of the conflict. — JOHN REZ 


hit man, Kathleen Turner is a hit wom- 
an, and they are married to each other. 
But a contract's a contract, even if it's on 
your spouse. Is this divorce Italian style? 
Jane Austen’s Mafia (1998): Master of com- 
ic mayhem Jim Abrahams (Airplane) 
makes brutal fun of a family of inept 
mobsters with this gag-a-minute satire. 
You should be careful who you spoof, 
Jim. Jim? — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


ood 


BLOCKBUSTER 


Shrek (refugee cartoon characters foul the titular ogre's 
swamp; witty, with wicked snaps at Disney), Pear! Harbor 
(viewing lip: rewind the spectacularly staged attack and 
skip the lame wartime menage à trois). 


eter 


PERIOD PIECE 


Moulin Rouge (рое! Ewan McGregor swoons for Nicole Kid- 
тап; Baz Luhrmann's audacious musical confection), The 
Golden Bowl (а widower and his daughter unwittingly marry 
ex-lovers; Henry James served well by Merchant-Ivory). 


FAMILY 


Spy Kids (they spring impossibly to their parents’ rescue; ex- 
hilarating and inventive fluff from Robert Rodriguez), Cats 
and Dogs (оп armed-to-Ihe-forepaws canine-feline war, with 
Babe-style anthropomorphic effects; dopey). 


GOOD GIRLS 


Bridget Jones’ Diary (Renée Zellweger 
риба funny, fleshy face on Helen Fielding's plucky heroine), 
Tomb Raider (Angelina Jolie puts a fetching, Wonder-Bra'd 
punch into every game nut's fantasy heroine). 


effectively British— 


BAD GIRLS 


Heartbreakers (mother-daughter con team Sigoumey Wea- 
ver and Jennifer Love Hewitt scam Gene Hackman; fine 
cheese), Beautiful Creatures (Scottish Thelma and Louise and 
Trainspotting mix attords laughs at man's expense]. 


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For more information about PM USA and its products, visit. 
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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


DISTINCTLY SMOOTH 


KELLY JOE PHELPS gets bored with repeat- 
ing himself, which is why he moves be- 
tween jazz bass, slide guitar and tradi- 
tional fingerpicking. On Sky Like a Broken 
Clock (Ryko), he studies people who are 
trapped in lives that they wouldn't have 
chosen. Backed by drummer Billy Con- 
way from Morphine and bass- 
ist Larry Taylor of Tom Waits’ 
band, Phelps’ acoustic guitar 

sparkles. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Former Clash front man 
Joe Strummer and his band 
the Mescaleros make an 
intense statement on 
Global a Go-Go (Hellcat), 
mostly using acous- 
tic instruments. Global 
equals Strummer's fin- 
est work with the Clash. 
The lyrics are a potent mix 
of humor, anger and hope, fueled by 
world music. —VIC GARBARINI 


On the Coup's Party Music (75 Ark), МС 
Boots Riley and DJ Pam the Funkstress 
aren't talking about dancing, but party 
music as in Communist. That's the rea- 
son this band has been underground. 
Dead Prez, another radical rap group, 
collaborates on Get Up, a call to revolu- 

tion with an easy-to-hum 


ut x chorus. —NELSON GEORGE 


N 
K No matter how you rate 
ім Busta Rhymes or Snoop 
2d Dogg, you'll rank their 
Z crews lower. St. Luna- 
= ree City (Universal) 


is the exception. Al- 
though the odds are 
against anybody's outselling Nelly's 
debut, his buddies improve on the for- 
mula. Nelly proves his loyalty by juicing 
more than half the tracks. This is hip- 
hop as pop funk. — —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


On Ballads: Remembering John Coltrane 
(Concord), vocalist Karrin Allyson cov- 
ers the eight songs Trane used on his 
classic 1962 LP Ballads. It’s a smart con- 


fast tracks 


THE LIZARD KING DOLL DEPARTMENT: Jim 
Morrison must be rolling in his Pere- 
Lachaise grave. His action figures 
went on sale recently, joining Kiss, Alice 
Cooper, Ozzy, Janis and Jerry Garcia. 
REELING AND ROCKING: HBO taped a 
Green Day concert for a forthcoming 
Reverb special. . . . Documentary film- 
maker Kevin Macdonald is following 
Mick Jagger around London as he re- 
cords a solo CD. 
NEWSBREAKS: To celebrate the 75th 
anniversary of Miles Davis’ 
birth, fans can go to St. 
Louis through February 
2002 for the Davis retro- 
spective at the Missouri Histor- 
ical Society (mohistory.org). . 
Bill Wyman, who played with the 
Rhythm Kings last summer, has a 
new book. Bill Wyman's Blues Odyssey 
(DK Publishing) is a tribute to the mu- 
sic and the musicians who created it, 
with maps, photos, lyrics and personal 
stories. . . . Al Green will receive the 
lifetime achievement award from the 
Rhythm and Blues Foundation. . . . 
UCLA Live, the university's perform- 
ing arts program, has snagged Elvis 


Costello as an artist in residence. But 
two UCLA events really caught our 
eye: Hal Willner's Halloween Show, 
Closed on Account of Ra- 
bies, is a tribute to the 
work of Edgar Allan Poe, 
where actors will read 
his work set to music. 
The other, All Tomor- 
row’s Parties, is hosted 
by Sonic Youth. It's a 
British alternative mu- 
sic fest that includes 
Stereolab, Cecil Taylor 
and Stephen Malkmus. Go to www. 
performingarts.ucla.edu for ticket in- 
fo. . . . Netherlands-based software 
company Fasttrack is Napster's heir 
apparent and growing rapidly. It works 
without a central server or distribu- 
tion point and has the technology to 
avoid congestion. . . . À Mary J. Blige and 
Lil’ Kim billboard was removed from 
Red Square at the order of the Mus- 
covy government. The ad for a Mac 
cosmetic store opening was deemed to 
be too sexy for public display. Final- 
ly, a place where Lil’ Kim can't flash 
her breasts. — BARBARA NELLIS 


cept, but it runs thin, despite the evoca: 
tive tenor breaks from Bob Belden and 
James Carter. Kurt Elling covers more 
ground, and creates a classic ballads 
disc of his own, with Flirting With Twilight 
(Blue Note). To hear where it all start- 
ed, there's Lady Day: The Complete Billie Holi- 
day on Columbia (1933-1944)— 10 discs that 
chronicle the early and best work of the 
woman who invented the jazz ballad. 
—NEIL TESSER 


The reggae soundtrack to the Jamai- 
can film The Harder They Come (Island) is 
one of the most influential pop records 
of all time. The newly remastered and 
expanded version of the album serves as 
an old-school greatest hits 


—ус. 


Gatemouth Brown 
Back ta Bogalusa 6 


With v (Radioactive), Live gets its rock 
tendencies and its desire to experiment 
working in the same direction and creates 
its best CD since Throwing Copper. -су 


Оп Back to Bogalusa (Blue Thumb), the 
voice of 77-year-old Clarence "Gate- 
mouth" Brown jumps, leers and preach- 
es. He redefines two standards—Low- 
ell George's Dixie Chicken and 
Bobby Charles’ I All Comes 
Back—but mostly, he pays 
tribute to his native 
Louisiana. Backed by 
some of the region's 
finest musicians, Brown 
evokes a primal Amer- 
ican music locale and 
makes clear his own 
place in its legacy. 

—DAVE MARSH 


_ Evangeline's distinc- 
ve new disc, Felt Like Home (Squatch on 
the Rocks), sounds the Band fronted 
by a female—Jennifer Potter. Her voice 


Kelly Joe Phelps 


St. Lunatics 
Free City 


Joe Strummer 


9 
Broken Clack 5 
8 
Global a Go-Go Ji 


Christgau | Garbarini 
8 7 8 8 
7 8 9 8 
6 7 5 i 
6 6 6 6 
9 9 5 7 


38 


is remarkable, but as with the Band, the 
guys in the background—Mike Biren- 
baum on organ and Glenn Slater on 
synths and accordion—are what you lis- 
ten to рм 


Chuck Cleaver's twisted Midwest real- 
ism On Lohio (Checkered Past) makes the 
Ass Ponys sardonic and smart. кс 


40 


DIGITAL GRAFFITI 


Add graffiti to the list of things you can 
do with your Palm Pilot. A new down- 
loadable application called HaikuHaiku 
allows users with web-enabled PDAs and 
cell phones to leave a message in a spe- 
cific location that other users can re- 
trieve. Inspired poets select a location 
(such as Brooklyn), compose a three-line 
stanza and submit it to the database. 
Submissions do not have to follow the 
classic 5-7-5 syllable pattern and can cov- 
er any subject. A user in San Francisco 
posted one that reads “Dot bombs are 
falling / libertarian dreams crash / let's do 
the next thing!” The entire database is 
currently stored online at the website of 
Neoku, the application's developer. and 
can be accessed wirelessly or on a PC. As 
the technology becomes available, Hai- 
kuHaiku plans to beam messages to 


САМ окт 


Electronic Arts has added sizzle ta 
their Sims game with the Sims 
Hot Date, an expansion pack that 
lets you put the moves on oth- 
er virtual characters. Your dates 
range from blonde bombshells ta 
nervous nellies. There are places 
to show her а good time (don’t 
forget to tip the bartender) and 
new objects for your home, 

cluding a “cuddle couch” and a 
love tub for two. But don't get toa 
excited. While you might “play” 
with your date in a dressing room, 
the action is offscreen. For more: 
real-life action, post a personals 
ad online at the Sims Dating Ser- 
vice and hope someone down- 
loads him for a date. —MARK GLASER 


users when they enter an area where an- 
other user previously posted one. Al- 
though Neoku representatives recognize 
that the technology can be used in sub- 
versive ways (c.g., to advertise illegal ac- 
tivities), the company hopes to use it to 


takeover. A kiosk at your local drugstore 
allows you to touch up, crop and reprint 
snapshots from previously developed 
photos. But beginning next year a new 
breed of photo stations will process film 
and print images within minutes. And, 
to compete with the convenience of digi- 
tal cameras, they will also scan images, 
burn them to a CD and upload them to 
the Net—all within minutes. To do so, 
these kiosks use a new, dry film-process- 
ing gel that develops film on the spot, in- 
stead of using the usual water-based 
chemistry. The technology comes in two 
versions. One permits the film to be ful- 
ly processed after scanning, providing 
you with a normal negative. The other 
renders only the digital negative posted 
online or burned onto a CD, on the as- 
sumption you're using a film camera the 


distribute information such as listings 


and reviews of restaurants, movies and 
other entertainment. —JASON BUHRMESTER 


same way you would a digicam. Because 
neither system requires a water supply 
or drainage, these new kiosks are en- 
vironmentally friendly and can be 
placed in supermarkets, airports and ho- 
tel lobbies. 


FILM FIGHTS BACK 


New photo kiosks will soon help 35mm 


cameras fight back against the digital — DONALD SUTHERLAND 


WILD THINGS 


The latest gadgel-friendly clothing can conceal 
your electronic arsenal so you don’t look like 
a total geek. The SeV vest (pictured here) by 
ScotteVest LLC is built with 15 pockets for 
stowing your gadgets. Each pocket is pad- 
ded to protect its contents. Large outside 
pockets con accommodate Walkmans, 
cameras and other devices, while small 
zipper pockets can be used to 
stash SmartMedia memory Z 
cards and extra batteries. Ж 
An inside pocket is wide 
enaugh to hold a magazine 
or small laptop such as 
a Sony Vaio. Headphone 
wires or cell phone head- 
sets can be concealed in 
the personal area net- 
work, a double Velcro 
flap inside the vest 
{ovailable in khaki and 
black, medium ta XXL, 
$160). Before you 
throw your new Dockers 
Mobile pants into the wash- 
ing machine, check the 
pockets. There are invisi- 
ble, oversize ones within 
the legs for storing a cell 
phone, Pocket PC or other 
electronics, while hidden 
zipper pockets can hold 
smaller items such as disks, 
ID and keys. Weor the pants 
to a club and ask girls to 
guess how much RAM you 
have in your pants (avail- 
able in khaki, black and 
olive, $52). —18. 


í 


WHERE ANDHDW TO BUY ON PAGE t63. М 


www.higher-dior.com 


amp иу 


Higher 


Dior 


Eau de Toilette pour Homme 


| 


‘Higher 


Eau de Toilette pour Homme 


Lift here 
to discover 
Higher 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


SEX ED FOR THE JET SET 


Before you get on a plane to a far-off place, visit the Erotic 
‘Traveler (erotictraveler.com). The site lists sex-related muse- 
ums and other cultural attractions from around the world. No 
trip to Barcelona, for example, would be complete without a 
stop at the Museu de l'Erótica, where countless patrons have 
attempted to ride the Electric Lady (eroticamuseum.com/ 
elady-b.htm). Pay heed to the site's warning помо “dare leave 
Amsterdam without visiting the Sex Museum,” a trove of his- 
toric erotic paintings and sculptures. If you don’t have im- 
mediate travel plans, 


soon get an opportunity to see what a trillion, quadrillion 
and quintillion (that’s 1,000,000,000,000,000,000) pennies 
look like stacked up against everyday objects. 


WHAT’S THE COUNTRY CODE? 


1 never remember how to place an overseas call. Do I dial a 
one first or a zero? Do 1 need to omit some of the numbers at 
the front? What's the country code? The city code? 1 usually 
give up and call the operator for help. From now on, the only 
thing I need to remember is countrycallingcodes.com, a site 
that provides step-by-step directions on how to make calls 
from anywhere to anywhere. 


you can e-mail erotic 


Image Search 


art cards or follow the links to other his- 
torical erotica websites. 


GOOGLE GETS GRAPHIC 


Google.com adds an amazing feature nearly every month. 
Now, they've launched images.google.com, the best photo- 
graph search engine on the web. Its not easy to make a pro- 
gram that finds pictures based on text-only search requests, 
but Google uses tricks to find images that match your request. 
If you can't find what you're looking for here, it means you 
haven't yet switched off the Mature Content Filter, which ac- 
tivates by default the first time you use Google Images. Switch 
off the filter by clicking the link and try your search again— 
you won't be disappointed. 


WHAT DO A QUINTILLION PENNIES LOOK LIKE? 


Besides becoming insanely jealous whenever 1 read about 
people worth tens of billions of dollars, | also become mind- 
boggled. What does a billion things look like? When 1 hear 
about trillion-dollar budgets, I can't even begin to imagine 
how much money that number represents. The MegaPenny 
Project (kokogiak.com/megapenny) is a graphic aid that is 
designed to help you visualize huge numbers. MegaPenny 
starts by showing you small stacks of pennies, and quickly 
moves up to much bigger numbers. A million pennies stacked 
into a rectangular cube is nearly as big asa refrigerator. A bil- 
lion pennies take up as much space as five schoolbuses. You'll 


WEB WEIRDNESS 


Fark.com is a one-stop source for bizarre news 
stories, which are compiled into a daily list of 
headlines. Of special interest 
are the links to photographs 
featuring nude women. If you 
have been looking for the pic- 
tures of Halle Berry's topless 
scene in Swordfish, you've come 
to the right place. 


Site Search! 
LEE One Penny 


One trillion, eight hundre 
Twenty. out 


ighteen bition, six hune 
illion Pennies 


HOW DOES IT WORK? 


Want to find out if it's true that drinking ice water burns calo- 
ries? Need to learn how to fool a lie detector? Then head to 
howstuffworks.com, where hundreds of such questi 
answered. Not only does the site tell you how military pain 
beams will work, but you'll learn how to get rid of tattoos, how 
to write JavaScript programs and how to fix a toilet. 


ns are 


QUICK HITS 


"Turn your computer into a funked-up synth: г at www. 
pianographique.com. This website loads a Shockwave pro- 
gram that converts keystrokes into bass lines, drums, guitar 
licks and vocal samples. . . . Buy everything you need for 
ukulele heaven at fleamarketmusic.com. . . . Amuse yourself 
with animated programs at www.hoogerbrugge.com. . . . Sit- 
com star or dictator? See if you can stump the computer at 
64.81.243.163/dictator.html. . . . Are you nuts? Take the On- 
line Personality Disorder test at Adegreez.com/misc/personal 
ity_disorder_test.my.—but don't share the news. 


You can contact Mark Frauenfelder by e-mail al livingonline 


@playboy.com. 


41 


42 


[е ООК$ 


BONES TO PICK 


You want solid credentials from novelists 
who write about combat? 
James Webb has them. 
He was a highly decora- 
ted marine in the Viet- 
nam war (Navy Cross, 
Silver Star, two Bronze 
Stars and two Purple 
Hearts) and is a former 
Secretary of the Navy and 
author of the classic war 
novel Fields of Fire. In 
Webb's latest book, Lost Sot- 
diers (Bantam), his central 
character, Brandon Cond- 
ley, is a Vietnam veteran 

who fell in love with the 

country the first time he saw 

it—and has returned over the аа 
years. The plot, set in the pres- 

ent but rich with flashbacks, 

focuses оп Condley's current 

job as a bone picker, searching for the remains of Americans 
still listed as missing in action. One day, Condley exa 
grave near the Que Sons mountains. The skeleton he finds 
suddenly brings the war back to him—and with it a host of 
deadly secrets. What is he looking at? Are they the remains of 
an American POW? How should he interpret the few clues he 
finds at the site? Why are some shady people suddenly ready 
to kill him? Webb has a sniper’s eye and a lover's heart and is 
at his best here. —ASA BABER 


АС МІЕІСЕМТ 
OBSESSIONS 


The Autobiography of Quincy Jones (Double- 
day) is a literary We Are the World. The mu- 
sician is joined by two of his brothers, two 
ex-wives, three of his children and various 
friends—including his oldest one, Ray 
Charles—to tell the story of his remork- 
oble life. Jones went from eating fried 
rots ot his grandmother's house in 
Kentucky to producing one of the best- 
selling albums of oll time, Michoel 
Jackson's Thriller, writing orrange- 
ments for Frank Sinatra, Roy Chorles 
опа Count Bosie, owning TV stotions 
опа founding Vibe mogozine. An un- 
forgettoble visual take on music, The Memphis Blues Again 
(Viking Studio} is the lotest collection of photos by one of 
Americo's greotest imoge makers, Emest Withers. For more 
thon 50 yeors, he hos shot 
sports, music and public events, 
and his record of the civil rights 
struggle is unporalleled. Blues 
presents unique imoges of 
W.C. Hondy, Elvis Presley, 
ВВ. King, Howlin’ Wolf (їп о 
cotton field), Jomes Brown, 
Isooc Hoyes ond Aretha 
Fronklin, with text by Doniel 
Wolff. —STANLEY BOOTH 


| 


THE RETURN OF WARSHAWSKI AND BURKE 


While some crime writers are satisfied merely with sending 
chills down your spine, Sara Paretsky and Andrew Vachss pre- 
fer to slip in a few social issues along with the suspense. Total 
Recall (Delacorte), the latest and longest in Paretsky's series 
about Chicago private investigator УЛ. Warshawski, shifts be- 
tween the sleuth's investigation of a self-proclaimed Holo- 
caust survivor and her closest friend's childhood memories of 
World War IL. The book 
provides all the corps- 
es, clues and close calls 
that a reader could ask 
ofa thriller. But it also 
probes such topics as the 
validity of recovered 
memory, the legality of 
Holocaust reparations 
and the morality of 
multinational conglom- 
erates. Nearly all of 
Vachss’ noir novels star- 

ring the state-raised 
outlaw Burke strike out 
against child abuse. In 
the latest onc, Pain Mai 
agement (Knopf), Burke 
hunt through Portland's 
underworld for a runaway teen is sidetracked by a sexy Sa- 
maritan who helps chronic pain sufferers. She'll lead him to 
the teen if he helps her with a shipment of illegal medication. 
Burke reluctantly agrees; he’s more inclined to give pain than 
prevent it (as evidenced by his snipping off a sadistic pimp's 
fingers). But that doesn't stop this riveting novel from noting 
that the lack of treatment for the many Americans in agony is 
often nothing more than "sanctimonious babbling about the 
war on drugs." — DICK LOCHTE 


A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE 

In Jerry Stahl's Plainclathes Naked 

(Morrow), а codeine-addicted di 
tective falls for a woman who poi- 
soned her husband with Drano and 
stole o photo of George W. Bush's 
genitalio. This dark comedy is a 
page-turner, even if you're just trying 
fo get through the descriptions of 
scabbed faces, mangled penises ond 
reenactments of that memorable 
scene in Deliverance, —PATTY LAMBERTI 


THE CONCEPTION CONCEPTION 

In 1951 scientist Carl Djerossi labored 
ol o smoll chemical company in Mexi- 
co. Steroids were the wove of the fu- 
ture, ond his employer had perfected 
a technique for synthesizing cortisone 
from yams. Djerossi filed for o potent 
for norezthindrone, o substance that, 
taken orolly, mimics one of the body's 
natural hormones. Biologists discov- 
ered that it could be used to treat men- 
strual disorders and, intime, realized | КЕНЕ | 
ого! progesterone could control fertili- 

ty. Fifty years later, This Man's Pill (Oxford) is Djerassi's cronky story 
of the discovery thot chonged sex forever. — JAMES R. PETERSEN 


eye Бик АИ by vok tO Pro. Verl om Fra by Al Does Si USA We CT OSAD Мі freely Drink responsibly. 02001 


By ASA BABER 


1 CALLED YOU here today to estimate the 
latitude of your gratitude. As Thanksgiv- 
ing Day approaches, 1 thought it would 
be a worthy exercise to list a few of the 
many things in this world that make us 
grateful to be male. 

Join me as we take inventory of the 
privileges of manhood 

(1) The clitoris. 

Could we tell the truth for the first 
time in our lecherous history? If the clit- 
oris did not exist, we would have to in- 
vent it. What a cute, compact, elegant, 
glowing and responsive little joy button 
it is. It is your obligation to understand 
that it is man's best friend. Imagine try- 
ing to have good sex without it. 

Ifthere were no clitoris, men would be 
exhausted whales on the shores of sexu- 
ality. If there were no clitoris, we would 
actually have to work hard at lovemak- 
ing at all times, even when we were tired 
or had a headache or hoped to watch 
Sports Center in a few minutes. The clit- 
oris saves us as we do our duty with min- 
imal effort and maximum results. 

No clitoris? I shudder at the prospect. 
No more hiding like a satiated lush in a 
gooseberry bush, giving it a tiny lick 
here and a teeny tickle there, stroking it, 
vibrating it with tongue and fingers (as 
well as a genuine vibrator, if she is willing 
to let you off the hook for the evening), 
sucking on it, saving our limited energies 
for our next explosion as our partners 
wiggle and squirm and have 10 orgasms 
to our one. 

Let's face it: The clitoris is God's way 
of telling us that we are lazy fools who 
forced him/her to design female sex or- 
gans with stupendous efficiency. For that 
blessing we should be appreciative. 

(2) Moments of silence. 

In a world that is growing increasingly 
verbal and chatty, let us give thanks that 
we do not have to talk all the time in or- 
der to feel safe and protected and under 
control. Nor do we demand it of others. 
We can be miracles of muteness and 
champions of quietude whenever we get 
the chance, but itis a pity that our signif- 
icant others cannot do the same. 

With the notable exception of certain 
unnamed but voluble cable TV anchor- 
men (I am convinced they are Chatty 
Cathy dolls in men’s clothing), most of 
us can do fine without talking to anyone 
all day. We can read a magazine with- 
out sharing each bit of information with 
somebody else. We can leave the answer- 
ing machine on and hide from all our 
calls, watch TV with the sound off, walk 
in the park alone, even go to a bar and 
have a beer und speak to no one. For us 
at those times, silence is golden and we 


44 feel like we own Fort Knox. 


LET US 
SAY THANKS 


While it is true that on occasion the 
female of the species provides a cer- 
tain charm and sociability with her con- 
stant talk and chatter, it is nonetheless 
something we could often do without. 
(How many strong, silent women have 
1 known? Give me a year and 1 might be 
able to think of one.) 

Is it genetic? Did cavewomen spend 
their evenings prodding their poor, tired 
cavemen with clubs and demanding con- 
versation from them before the fire went 
out? (“But how did you feel when you 
killed that woolly mammoth? And when 
are you going to clean the tusks? Does 
this leopardskin make me look fat? Do 
you think 1 should wear the shark's teeth 
tonight?") 

You have to wonder about the history 
of verbosity, because most girls scem to 
work from the premise that if you are 
not talking, you are not living. Their di- 
alogue is high pitched and endless, and 
especially deafening when they congre- 
gate in groups. (1 dare you to go to any 
large meeting hall scheduled for an ай- 
female conference and stand outside the 
doors and listen to the crescendo of voic- 
esas the room fills with women. You will 
be terrified, I promise.) 

Whenever a woman is alone and a 
man appears on the distant horizon, 
trumpets seem to blare in the female in- 
ner ear, and all her efforts focus on mak- 
ing that poor bastard elevate his chat 
rate to her level—or die trying. (Did you 
know that the Institute of Talkaholics es- 
timates that at least half of all male cor- 
onaries occur when men try to match 
women verbally? We are not safe, guys, 
we are not safe.) 

Silence: A pleasing gift, honored by 


most men—would that there be more of 
it in our time. 

(3) Shop till we drop? No way. 

Pity the spiritually impoverished fe- 
male of the early 21st century. Promised 
a radical revolution in the status of her 
gender a few decades ago, ready to rage 
against men and call them names for 
years, disappointed by the results of 
those efforts, now aware of that revo- 
lution's shortcomings, uncertain as to 
the choice of both a career and a mate, 
bewildered by men and their eternal 
inconstancy, terrified of the natural 
progression of aging, irritated by the 
complexities of her own body, tempted 


2 by food and repelled by food and mes- 


merized by food, eager to set all things 
right and crushed when unable to do so, 
she eventually surrenders to her baser 
instincts and shops till she drops. Then 
she shops more. Shopping: every girl's 
heroin. 

Lam convinced that the feminist revo- 
lution was funded by a secret cabal of 
fat-cat capitalists who looked for ways to 
expand their markets, and hit upon a 
brilliant idea: "Let's start a campaign to 
make boys ashamed of their masculin- 
ity and turn them into girls,” the fat 
cats said. “If we can get those stingy, 
unrepentant, semiconscious males to go 
shopping all the time to validate them- 
selves like females do, we will double our 
profits in half the time and keep every- 
body in credit card debt at usurious in- 
terest rates.” 

You think I'm kidding? This economy 
of ours needs consumers to spend their 
way into debt and avoid things like sa 
ings accounts and tight household bud- 
gets. This economy is structured to take 
half our money in taxes and then lure us 
into spending more than we can айога 
on worldly goods—and polls show that 
men are much more concerned than 
women are about the impact of taxes on 
their wallets and lives. 

This economy is now so addicted to 
consumer spending that patriotism 
might be defined as unending personal 
indebtedness—but a lot of guys aren't 
comfortable signing up for that tour. 
Last July, just as our tax rebates were go- 
ing into the mail, a former 
darin suggested all good citizeı 
go out and buy Uncle Sam out of a po- 
tential recession, Most of my buddies 
laughed at that one 

Aradical thought: Maybe boys do “get 
it,” no matter what they've been told, 
and maybe girls are just spoiled little 

issies as they trod the primrose path 
to debtor's prison in their 500 pairs of 
shoes! 

Who's the turkey now, Gloria? 


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Home Freelander 


It's been nicknamed the baby Land Rover, but the new Freelander, 
due in showrooms next mánfh, is а pintesize premium off-roader 
that’s all grown up. Under the h of isa 2.5 


ег, 175 hp V6 cou- 
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shifted manually. It has permañent all-wheel drive, electronic trac- 
tiocontrol, LR's unique Hill Descent Control and antilock brakes. 
". за Wptof technical goodies for less than 530,000. Eig 

/ ачаћав!е, іріңдігі Zambegi silver and Java black. 


Tan Like a Man 


Cary Grant could have saved 
hours under the sunlamp with 
one of the new self-tanners 
for men. All are skin-friendly, 
which means they protect 
without clogging pares. Zirh's 
Bronze ($20) is a moisturizing 
self-tanner that's loaded with 
cloe vera. Functians from 
Cool Water by Davidoff ($15) 
contains vitamins A, С and E 
You'll see results in 20 min- 
utes. Sunless Tanning Spray 
from Lab Series ($12) is a 
spritz self-tanner. Declear's 
Séducteur ($24) filters out 
UVA and UVB rays. Geomer 
Self-Tanner ($35) features 
marine extracts that soothe 
and acacia bark that tem- 
pararily dyes the skin. Bi 
therm Homme Gel Auto- 
bronzant Express ($20), a 
tinted self-tanner, gives your 
face a quick glow. In an hour 
you'll have a tan. 


HOW TO STUFF YOUR BIRD 


STUFFING 

INTO BODY 

CAVITY. 

FASTEN OPENING WITH 
SKEWERS AND LACE WITH 
STRING, 


© 


PUT THE REST OF THE STUFFING 
INTO THE NECK CAVITY— ENOUGH 
TO MAKE THE TURKEY 

LOOK PLUMP. 

SECURE NECK FLAP 

WITH SKEWER OR 

TOOTHPICKS. 


Ф 


BRING THE THIGHS 
CLOSE TO THE 
BODY. TIE 

LEGS TO 


W Marks the Spot 


The first W hotel, W New York, opened in 1998. By the end of 
2002 there'll be 22 worldwide, including опе that opened next 
to our Chicago office. Aside from the hip decor, commitment to 
service that provides “whatever you want, whenever you want 
it” and welcoming atmosphere, the chain has another thing go- 
ing for it—W stuff that’s for sale. In other words, you can toke 
elements of your W experience hame, including a duplicate of 
the bed you slept in. (A king-size one costs $900, plus ship- 
ping.) There are three W stores located in W hotels—two in 
Chicago and one in New York. (That's the New York W hotel 
lobby at Union Square pictured above). The stores also sell can- 
dles, amusing games and handsome books on interior design. 


Just Desserts 


It’s no longer enough to 
coak for her, you have 
to make it look fabu- 
lous. And if the fastest 
way ta a woman's heart 
is dessert, then Richard 
Leach's Sweet Seasons: 
Fabulous Restaurant 
Desserts Made Simple 
(John Wiley, $45) is 
something you'll want 
on your bookshelf. 
Leach's stint as pastry 
chef al New York's Au- 
reole put him on the 
map. In his book he col- 
lects the recipes and 
techniques he honed 
there and at Lespinasse, 
La Cóte Basque and 


now at the Park Avenue 
Cafe. He has also won the James Beard Pastry Chef of the Yeor 
award. He walks yau through scores of sumptuous desserts that 
you prabably wouldn't have attempted before. This opple tart 
with sour cream ice cream and date puree is a good example. 


Clothesline: Paul Tracy 
and Max Papis 


With his aggressive style and multi- 
colored hair, Team Kool Green 
driver Paul Tracy (left) has been 
dubbed the Dennis Rodman of car 
racing. Off the track, Tracy is much 
A more laid-back, saying, "I'm not re- 
ally inta suits, although | have a lat 
of them. Mast of the time | wear 
dark Lucky jeans, a gray or black 
T-shirt and a leather jacket, all 
probably 
bought 
in Los Vegos, where | live.” “Mad” 
Мах Papis (right), the suave Italian 
driver for Team Rahal, loves ta 
shop. “In Milan, there's a street 
named Via Montenapoleone that 
has all kinds of posh boutiques.” 
Far suits, he says, it’s Hugo Boss. 
Otherwise Popis, like Tracy, often 
opts for a T-shirt, leather jacket and 
jeans—except his preference in 
jeans is Diesel. “They have а great 
motto: ‘The luxury of dirt.’ That's 
basically my philosophy.” 


Guys Are Talking About... 


Tattoo removal. Perhaps it's time to soy adios to the поте оп 
your arm of the girl you met six years aga at a bar in Juarez. 
According ta Michele and Henry Gesiorowski, а dermatologist 
and a dermotologic surgeon in Greenwich, Connecticut, mast 
tattoas can be remaved (withaut scarring) with loser technolo- 
gy. Blue and black inks fade the best. Green and yellaw are 
the most difficult colors to make disappear. Three to four 
treatments should do mast af the job, with а few follow-up 
zaps as necessary. Go to greenwichdermatalogy.com for more 
info. € Pontiac Aztek. It’s taken Из lumps fram the autamotive 
press for clumsy hindquarter styling, but we applaud 

General Mators for having the 

balls to tum the project over 

ta a yaung design 

team. We recently 

drave a yellaw Aztek 

GT with all-wheel 

drive and gat as many 

“great саг” comments 

as thumbs down, The 

metallic citrus green 

model is the in-your- 

foce Aztek ta buy. In an- 

other month ог so Ponti. 

ac will intraduce a revised 

Aztek, which will have 

larger tires, a spailer and, 

perhaps, a lower price. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 163. 


Paul Masson Brandy. 
Good friends. Smooth times. 


Aged Longer. Tastes Smoother. 


EU Masson Cellars, Bardstown, 
~" 


? ~ 
(& 


• Please onjoy Paul Masson Grenda Ambar Brandy rasponsibly. 


Ше Playboy Advisor 


1 love to give my husband blow jobs, 
but he wants me to swallow and I can't 
stand the taste. PLAYBOY recently ran an 
article that said drinking pineapple juice 
helps prevent “funky spunk.” Exactly 
how much pineapple juice should a man 
consume, and how often, to alter the 
taste of his semen? And how soon should 
I expect to notice a change?—M.L., Vir- 
ginia Beach, Virginia 

Adam Carolla of Loveline has a great take 
on this. He says, “If a guy drinks 400 
gallons of pineapple juice, his semen will 
taste like semen with a little bil of pineap- 
ple juice in it.” Nevertheless, many female 
readers insist that, in their experience, fruit 
juices work when consumed in large enough 
quantities at least a day before. Bul that 
could have more to do with the guy's being 
well hydrated, which may dilute what's com- 
monly described ах a bleachy, salty or bitter 
taste. Some women have told us they are hap- 
pier swallowing when their partner eats less 
junk food and red meat. One recipe posted 
outside the тьлүвоу test bedrooms calls for 
three stalks of celery (diced), two capsicums 
(minced), two bananas (sliced), half a cup of 
orange juice and half a cup of sweet sherry, 
but no pineapple. The brewmaster wrote, 
“Mix the ingredients and have the guy eal it 
for breakfast. He also should avoid dairy 
products, onions, garlic and fish for the 
day." Good advice before any date. The only 
way to settle this is a series of blind taste tests, 
which are being arranged as we speak. 


ке heard that wealthy people who use 
their yachts only on holidays will let you 
live on their boats free or fora little rent 
in exchange for the vessel's care and up- 
keep. How can 1 find these people?— 
D.L., Tacoma, Washington 

You could ask around at the local yacht 
club, but don't be surprised if owners look at 
you funny. Anyone who can afford a yacht 
that needs to be looked after can afford to 
hire an experienced captain to do it. 


The Advisor said in July that the letter 
from R.R. in Atlanta would be the last 
for a while on the subject of women who 
are freaked out by their partners’ mas- 
turbating, but I have to put in my two 
cents. My husband is free to beat off 
whenever he has the urge. I masturbate 
just about every morning in the show- 
er, and the fantasies I invent often be- 
come part of our lovemaking. It never 
occurred to me that my attitude about 
jerking off was unusual, but now I won- 
der if I'm а freak, Does my husband feel 
dissed because I masturbate?—E.O., Chi- 
cago, Illinois 

о, he feels blessed —especially when you 
let him watch. Our admonition touched off a 


landslide of e-mails from female readers hop- 
ing to get in a last word. A few choice com- 
ments follow, 


| didn't know whether to laugh or cry 
when I read the letter from the woman 
who got her panties in a twist because 
her husband masturbates. I'm one of 
those readers you thought would be 
amused at the notion of her confronting 
her husband. Why not confront him on 
laughing or dancing or any other hu- 
man act of joy? Masturbation is normal 
and fun. If I ever heard a man claim that 
he didn't masturbate, I would assume 
him to bea liar or a freak. Control seems 
to be an issue with the writer, not her 
husband.—T.B., Summerville, Georgia 


How sad it is that some women still 
make issues of things like this. Instead of 
condemning your husband, or having a 
formal discussion about his masturba- 
tion habits, join him! Women are told 
that masturbation is a guy thing, and 
not proper. What horseshit. Every wom- 
an should masturbate—it will greatly 
enhance your sex life. It also will give 
you more important and exciting things 
iscuss with your partner.—A_L., In- 
dianapolis, Indiana 


Hove watching my husband masturbate. 
It doesn't make me feel rejected, worth- 
less, unattractive or cheated on in the 
In fact, it usually has the opposite 

Occasionally, if I'm not in the 
mood, he'll go ahead without me. (My 
only complaint is, on the few occasions 
when 1 don't participate, the motion of 
the bed makes me seasick.) Look, peo- 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA 


ple, sex in a marriage isn't about keep- 
ing score and trying to ensure that your 
partner's orgasms are always directly re- 
lated to or caused by you. Confronting 
your partner is not going to improve 
your sex life. You'll have a lot more luck 
tapping into that sexual energy in a pos- 
itive, nonconfrontational way.—N.M., Sil- 
ver Spring, Maryland 


At least your husband isn't sharing his 
orgasm with another woman. The idez 
of watching a man т; ate turns me 
on, but my husband isa bit ofa prude.— 
S.T., Harrisburg, Pennsylvania 

Have you asked him? All he has to do is 
crack the door. 


Judging from various men's magazines 
I've seen, women can be awfully prud- 
ish. The magazines publish many ideas 
on “how to get your wife to be freak; 
but I do most of what's listed without be- 
ing asked. A man masturbating is the 
most erotic thing I've ever witnessed.— 


H.S., Topeka, Kansas 


h my experience, after a man mastur- 
bates, he can maintain an erection lon- 
ger during sex. No complaints here — 
A.G., Flagstaff, Arizona 


Guys masturbate because it's low main- 
tenance and immediately gratifying. If 
you want your husband to stop, you 
need to offer something even more low 
maintenance and immediately gratify- 
ing. Ifyou blow him every morning, that 
might slow him down. But if your goal is 
for him to stop completely, you'll have to 
provide at least three BJs a day. Му hus- 
band of 19 years gets oral sex every day. 
Yes, he still masturbates. He also scopes 
out all the hot babes. And I'm happy he 
does.—M.P, Santa Rosa, California 

hank you all for writing. Now, if youll 
se us. . 


as 


You missed big time in your answer to 
the reader who asked about transferring 
LPs to a digital format. A few imperfec- 
tions add to the charm ofold recordings, 
but major snaps and pops are distract- 
ing. 1 use a software program called Ray 
Gun to remove them from my digital 
copies.—M.S., Metairie, Louisiana 

We also should have made it clear that you 
have to burn your MP3 files as data to get 
more than 74 minutes оп a CD-R. And keep 
in mind that only the latest and greatest CD 
players can process MP3s. 


Your reply in August to D-T. of Chicago 
contained some misinf ation about 


51 


PLAYBOY 


bondage and the terms top and bottom. 
In today's fetish community, top and bot- 
tom mean simply sadism and masoch- 
ism. At Realmstone (realmstone.com), we 
avoid those terms because everything we 
do is considered a consensual power ex- 
change, and sadism and masochism are 
not always nec ily so. It's better, espe- 
cially for the novice, to use terms such as 
dominant (or dom, domme) and subm 
sive (or sub). If D.T. enjoyed the sensa- 
tions of being dominated in a social set- 
ting, he can safely explore the sensations 
online before he considers a real-life en- 
counter.—M.S., Anaheim, California 
Thanks for the clarification. Isn't every 
relationship a consensual power exchange? 


How long will a bottle of port last once 
t has been opened?—P.L., Hartford, 
Connecticut 

Depends on the port, and ihe cork. Gen- 
erally, if you're drinking an aged tawny or 
a late-bottled vintage port, and it has a 
T-shaped bartender's cork, it will last three 
or four weeks. If it has a regular cork—for 
example, if it’s a single quinta or vintage 
pori—it will last only a few days. In the 
English tradition, this is rarely а problem, 
because ports are typically decanted into 
round-bottomed bottles. That way they can’t 
be set down until the bottles are empty. 


Recently a reader asked if it's possible 
to sell frequent flier miles. The Advisor 
explained how to exchange them for 
products. But you also can donate miles 
to charities such as the Make-a-Wish 
Foundation and the Kids Cancer Con- 
nection. A big-screen TV would be nice, 
but I think this might top that.—S.W., St. 
Louis, Missouri 
It might at that. 


J.T from Dallas complained in August 
that when he and his wife had three- 
somes with a female friend, his wife 
wouldn't let him have sex with the oth- 
er woman. Your response ignored the in- 
herent unfairness of the situation: The 
allowed to have sex with another 


the same courtesy. Let's say J.T. had 
My wife and 1 have threesomes 
iend, but I only allow my wile 
to watch. Am I being unfair?” We both 
know your answer would have been dif 
ferent. For starters, you would have ri 
culed him for his male privilege —J.K., 
Chicago, Illinois 

It's not a courtesy, its a contract. If J.T. 
felt the terms were unfair, he was free not to 
accept them. If his wife then had sex without 
his consent, it would be cheating and a prob- 
lem for the marriage. That works both ways. 


Can you tell me what the proper eti- 
when eating at a sushi bar?— 
C.G., Citrus Heights, California 

Never dip your sushi rice-side, and don't 


52 soak it—the sauce should complement the 


fish, not kill its flavor. The ginger is there to 
cleanse your palate. The green stuff (wasabi) 
mix bits of it with your soy sauce to 
taste. It's best to eat each piece in one bite, 
but in the West that's not always practical 
because sushi tends to be larger. Never pass 
food with your chopsticks; in Japan, this re- 
sembles a Buddhist ritual in which bone 
fragments from a cremated body are passed 
al a funeral. Instead, offer the plate. It's OK 
to pick up sushi with your fingers, but al- 
ways use chopsticks for sashimi. When you 
are nol using your sticks, place them on the 
small, decorative hashi oki. If you take food 
from a shaved plate, turn the sticks around 
so you're not using the ends that you put in 
your mouth. It's bad form to smoke. And 
‘while you should leave a tip on the bar for 
the chef, keep in mind that the people who 
handle the food never touch the money. 


This past summer, PLAYBOY ran an article 
about the pros and cons of marriage. 
But there is another option: polyamory, 
which means "many loving.” It’s based 
on the belief that people can be in love 
with more than one person at a time. It's 
not swinging. My husband and I have an 
agreement about whom the other per- 
son will see. It lets us experience sex and 
love with others without the lying, cheat- 
ing and loss that occur among supposed- 
ly monogamous couples. There are 
many types of polyamorous relation- 
ships. Гат in an MFM V-triad, which 
means that I am with both my husband 
and our male best friend, but they are 
not with each other. The three of us have 
chosen to become a family and raise our 
children together. I understand some 
people might find this impossible be- 
cause of jealousy, or issues of safety, but if 
someone in a relationship is cheating, 
how safe is that? We choose to be hon- 
—L.W., San Francisco, California 

Thanks for writing. Our question is, who 

controls the remote? 


Im sure you saw the recent episode of 
Sex and the City in which Samantha went 
down on another woman. Can a wom- 
an's ejaculate squirt with such force 
that it becomes airborne?—].R., Tampa, 
Florida 

Yes, as evidenced by any number of рото- 
graphic videos, and by the faces of any num- 
ber of startled men. H tastes like pineapple. 


According to the Kinsey Institute New Re- 
port on Sex, published in 1990: “The 
search for an herb, drug or potion that 
enhances sexual desire has been under 
way for centuries. No ubstance has 
yet been proven effective, despite claims 
to the contrary made by companies that 
advertise such products.” I can't believe 
that there is still no effective aphrodisi- 
ac. Does the Advisor know of any?—T Y., 
Boise, Idaho 

The only known love potion is sweat— 
your own, about three times a week. One 


study found strong evidence that men who 
exercise regularly have the least risk of im- 
potence, and another concluded that as a 
man's waist size increases, so do his chances 
ој erectile dysfunction. Неј sent us news of a 
British study that found that men aged 55 to 
65 who exercise have an average ој 25 per- 
cent more testosterone. the hormone that [u- 
els the sex drive. Working oul appears to 
have the same effect on women. In one ex- 
periment, female subjects who had just fin- 
ished 20 minutes on the bike at 70 percent of 
maximum heart rate had a stronger sexual 
response to an erotic film clip than those who 
had been sitting around. That's one more 
reason to hang out at the gyn. 


1 recently broke up with my girlfriend of 
two years. She had been withholding sex 
for almost a week, and I accused her of 
cheating. She denied it. However, when 
she left the house she took her birth con- 
trol pills. Is there any reason a woman 
would take her pills if she wasn't having 
sex?—D.R., San Diego, California 

Do you have any other evidence of cheat- 
ing, besides her short-term loss of interest? If 
not, you may have messed up big lime. Is she 
depressed? Stressed out? Unhappy with the 
relationship? That she left with her birth con- 
trol means nothing. Many women take the 
pill even when they're not sexually active be- 
cause it regulates their menstrual cycles and 
reduces bleeding and cramping. If it's not 
too late, you may want to sit down with your 
girlfriend for a long talk. 


Ever since 1 read Anne Rice's Vampire 
Chronicles, | have been giving hickies 
like crazy. One of my girlfriends had to 
wear a turtleneck to a job interview in 
the middle of July because I left her 
looking like a snow leopard. Whenever I 
meet a beautiful woman, 1 have an urge 
to gently nibble on her neck, or whatev- 
er part of her anatomy I find attractive. 
Is it time to get myself a muzzle, or per- 
haps a chew toy?—E.T., Los Angeles, 
California 

Weren't you breastfed? One hickey is fun, 
maybe. Two is abusing your privilege. If you 
must, leave your love bites where your part- 
ner can hide them easily. She also should 
have the chance to return ће favor—on your 
forehead. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisorcom. 
The Advisor latest collection of sex tricks, 

365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life, is avail- 
able in stores or by phoning 800-423-9494. 


udges across America have be- 
come creative. In Texas, a wife 
beater was told to apologize to 
his victim on the courthouse steps at 
high noon. A doper found himself 
parading the sidewalk wearing this 
sign around his necl 
IN TEXAS FOR POSSESSION OF DRUGS. 
shoplifter had to stand in fi 
store carrying the sign 1 STOLE FROM 


THIS STORE. 


Sometimes public humiliation can 
serve as a warning to neighbors. If 
the house next to yours suddenly 
sported a placard that read DAN- 
GER! REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER 
Lives HERE, how would you re- 
act? One such branded convict 
committed suicide; others were 
evicted or terrorized. 

Sometimes the sentence is just 
silly. A judge in Georgia makes 
drunk drivers wear pink iden- 
tification bracelets. 

Texas district court judge Ted 
Poe, who has achieved national 
recognition for his widely герс 
ed “public notice” sentencing, 
explains his success. "Most of us 
care about what people think of 
us. If we are held up to pub- 
ule, we don't 
two things will happen: We will 
change our conduct and our z 
titudes. It started in New Eng- 
land in the colonial days." 

Supporters cite statistics to 
suggest that public shaming pre- 
vents second offenses: Of 193 
people given public punishments by 
Poe's court, only 11 offenders have 
been arrested a second time. The 
usual rate of recidivism is around 60 
percent. Critics worry that creative 
sentencing is a ploy by the 
right to turn our judicial system into a 
morality play. Tel d justice, be it 
The People's Court, Judge Judy or Court 
ТУ, has a tendency toward the specta- 
cle. On the other hand, newspapers 
have printed police blotters for years 
without seriously affecting the behav- 
ior of creants. 

Sexual crimes seem perfect for pub- 
lic humiliation. In Atlanta, city hall 
boasts a Wall of Shame, a gallery of 
mug shots that recently included 58 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


THE SHAME GAME 


convicted prostitutes and 191 johns. 
Police in St. Paul, Minnesota have 
taken ita step further, creating a pub- 
lic pillory in cyberspace. Visit the 
department's website and you'll en- 
counter this solemn announcement: 
“This section of the police depart- 
ment web page is designed in direct 
response to the fears, anger and de- 
mands expressed by law-abiding men 
and women of our city: They are 
tired of prostitutes plying their trade 
on the sidewalks, they do not want 
girls and women treated with disre- 


spect by customers coming into their 
neighborhoods and they do not want 
their children to view acts of prostitu- 
tion enacted in public places at every 
hour of the day and night. The fol- 
lowing men and women were arrest- 
ed within the last 18 calendar months 
for engaging in prostitution.” 

Arrested, but not yet convicted. 
What, you might ask, happened to 
the presumption of innocence? (See 
page 57 for another example of law 
enforcement as entertainment.) 

The threat of public humiliation as- 
sumes that the rest of the populace 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


agrees with your moral code. The St. 
cluded an e-mail ad- 
dress on their site so the public could 
submit comments or ask questions. 
ult, TheSmokingGun.com 
ed and obtained some of the 
They demonstrate that shame 
isn't what it used to be: 

“You posted a picture of one of 
my classmates from Bible school as a 
"recent prostitution arrest.” 1 am try- 
ing to get ahold of him for our up- 
coming class reunion. Could you pass 
this message on?” 

“Lam doing a report for school 

and I need some facts on pros- 

titution. My topic: Should pros- 
titution be legalized?” 

“I beg for sex from my wife 

and she says no. If 1 persist, 
I can be arrested. What is a 
man to do? How do vice squad 
personnel sleep at night know- 
ing that every arrest, and pic- 
ture posted, destroys a family 
or a man?" 

"Why should it be illegal to 
sell something that's perfectly le- 
gal to give away?" 

"Is it considered prostitution 
if I hire a maid and then have 
sex with her during the time I've 
paid her to clean my house?" 

“I know where one of the want 
ed individuals can be found, 
but I would like some informa- 
tion before I turn him in. What 
amount of trouble will he get in? 

When was he arrested? Can 1 re- 
main anonymous? Although he's a 
creep, he's my father” 

"Your site includes a photo of my 
friend's husband. 1 e-mailed it to her 
and he said it'sa joke page." 

"You should show which john was 
attempting to pick up which whore. 
Sceing how ugly these whores are, it 
would further humiliate the johns, 
since the public would know they 
wanted to pay for what most of us 
wouldn't take for free.” 

“Pull your collective heads out of 
your asses, you paunchy, doughnut- 
eating, coffee-dripping, lard-ass, 1880s- 
mustache-style-wearing fascists.” 

To put it another way, Shame on 
you, Officer. 


53 


54 


INTERNATIONAL SEX 


is the grass greener on the other side of the world? 


he headline in The New York Times 

last spring proclaimed ON SEX. US. 
AND FRANCE SPEAK SAME LANGUAGE. Re- 
searchers had compared landmark 
sex surveys from both sides of the At- 
lantic and discovered that if you ask 
the same questions, you get the same 
answers. Monogamy is still in fashion: 
More than 90 percent of the men and 
women who lived together reported 
that they had had only one sexual 
partner in the past year. No statistical 
difference was found in the length of 
marriages. About half of the French 
respondents reported having sex two 
or three times a week, while about a 
third of the Americans surveyed 
claimed the same frequency. Sexual 
frequency declined with age, more so 
for American women than for French 
women. 

The study sought to debunk fan- 
tasies of wild Parisian nights, dime- 
store novels and Hollywood esca- 
pades in the Moulin Rouge. While 
we are all for sexual truth and 
accuracy, we wonder if we now 
live in an undivided sexual cul- 
ture. Does the global village elim- 
inate courtship quirks? Are there 
different strokes among differ- 
ent folks? We turned to the amaz- 
ing array of sexual anthropology 
cluded in the International Encyclope- 
dia of Sexuality (the fourth and final 
volume was published in July): 

* In the economically strapped 
Ukraine, 40 percent of teenage stu- 
dents feel that the world’s oldest pro- 
fession is a reputable calling, “just as 
desirable as being a fashion model, 
stewardess or interprete 

® The Institute for Research in 
Sexuality and Gender at the Renmin 
University of China in Beijing inter- 
viewed 176 Chinese men and women. 
Among its findings were: “For most 
people, the Chinese sexual vocabu- 
lary is either cryptic or considered 
dirty and abusive,” and “most females 
feel like vomiting when questioned 
about sexual matters.” 

* In Ghana, people aren't so ac- 
cepting when it comes to extracur- 
ricular sex. “Among the traditional 
Ga, a man caught in the act of adul- 
tery with a married woman is beat- 
en by the family of the injured hus- 
band, their friends and helpers. In 
villages, the distinctive sound of the 


By JOHN D. THOMAS 


adultery hoot may be heard all over. 
A crowd gathers around the house 
where the adulterous act is claimed to 
be taking place. People begin hoot- 
ing—huu huu huu—to emphasize 
the shameful behavior of the woman. 
Sensing danger, the guilty man may 
jump out the window. 
* It is not uncommon for Kenyan 
women to joi wedded bliss, and 
there are approximately 30 Bantu 
tribes that allow two females to marry. 
The ties that bind, however, are more 
fiscal than sexual: "This dual-female 
marriage illustrates the separation of 
sex and gender in Alrican societies." 
* Historically, the Catholic Church 
has drummed into the minds of Lat- 


in American women that pleasure in 
bed is a painful idea. In a survey of 
hundreds of Catholic women from 
Uruguay, Argentina and Paraguay, 
researchers found that “women com- 
monly expressed faction with 
their sexual lives and had developed 
the strategy of "not feeling’ or ‘getting 
used to putting up with ил” 

• Traditional defloration practic- 
es among aboriginal Australians are 
now a thing of the past. And that's a 
good thing, given that they entailed 
“the forced enlargement of the vagina 
by groups of men using their fingers, 
with possum twine wound around 
them, or with a stick shaped like a pe- 
nis. Several men would have inter- 
course with the girl and later would 
ritually drink the semen. Mitigating 
this was the second part of the ritual, 
which allowed dancing women to hit 
men against whom they had a grudge 


with fighting poles without fear of 
retaliation.” 

e In Bahrain, women are supposed 
to clean themselves thoroughly after 
they have intercourse with their 
husbands. The cleansing should in- 
dude washing the hair, which is why 
when “a woman arrives at a party 
with wet hair, jokes may be made 
about her possible preceding sexual 
activities.” 

e Arranging to have sex in India 
can be a confusing affair for both men 
and women: “According to Hindu 
tradition, a husband should only ap- 
proach his wife sexually during her 
ти (season), а brief period of 16 days 
within the menstrual cycle. But inter- 
course is forbidden on six of these 16 
days, the first four days and the 11th 
and the 13th. This leaves only 10 days 
for conjugal relations, but because 
the all-important sons are con- 

ceived on even nights and daugh- 
ters on uneven hts, the days 
for conjugal relations shrink to 
five. Then there are the parvas, 
the moonless nights and those 
of the full moon when sexual 
relations lead either to the birth 
of atheist sons or the ‘hell of fe- 
ces and urine." 

“Ав a prerequisite for being 
employed as a live-in maid in Iran, 
young women must be examined by 
a doctor to ensure they are virgins. 
"Written into her employment con- 
tract is the amount of cash penalty 
payable by the employer should she 
lose her virginity (as determined by a 
second medical examination) during 
her employment. This contract pro- 
tects her from the advances of male 
members of the household, as well as 
from male visitors to the house." 

© In Japan, workaholism has led 
10 a more slam-bang, in-and-out ap- 
proach to the sex biz. "The old-style, 
leisurely coital sex pl geishas 
and soap ladies is declining in favor of 
quick, cheaper masturbation, oral sex 
and voyeurism. The equivalents of 
"fast food" noncoital sexual release for 
males now account for nearly half of 
the commercial sex trade. One factor 
in this shift is the high-pressure life 
and lack of leisure in the male busi- 
ness world.” 

Clearly, the sexual revolution has a 
long way to go, everywhere. 


LEGE 


ur eiie T library ne near y 
^» 


4». 


5 past spring. a group of con- 

1 servative politicians and activ- 

ists held a press conference to 

voice their support for the Children's 

Internet Protection Act. The new fed- 

eral law requires public libraries and 

schools to add content filters to ter- 

minals with Internet connections, or 
risk losing federal funds. 

The usual suspects took turns at 
the microphone. Antiporn spokes- 
model Donna Rice-Hughes said, “I 
believe that a student should be able 
to search the Internet for informa- 
tion on wolves for a school report with- 
out being exposed to a picture of 
a woman having sex with a wolf.” 
Wendy Wright of Concerned Wom- 
en for America asserted—presum- 
ably based on some invidious smut 
survey—that “pornography is get- 
ting more hard-core, including tor- 
ture and mutilation of women, bes- 
tality and child pornography." 

The activists brought forth а li- 
brarian from Chicago who testified 
that she believed allowing patrons to 
surf for sex constituted sexual ha- 
rassment (would a patron reading 
The Joy of Sex in her field of vision be 
the same?). A mother then related 
that her second-grade son had come 
across an online porn site in class. 
She later recalled that he had been 
isibly shaken,” that he told her he 
“felt dirty” and that he said, "1 can 
never talk about what I saw." She 
sought the advice of two counselors 
to deal with his trauma. 

Let's accept the notion that a child 
can be emotionally scarred by seeing 
photos of people having sex, and that 
a photo of a demented Little Red Rid- 
Е Hood pops up whenever you cry 
wolf on a search engine. How would 
filters protect children, or even sensi- 
tive adults? Censorware doesn't come 
close to blocking every “inappropri- 
ate” site. Instead, it targets whatever 
its human surfers judge to be im- 
moral content, along with sites that 
such evil words as sex. Those 
criteria may exclude information 
about breast cancer, sexuality, STDs 
and gay rights, among other mature 
but not necessarily exclusively adult 
topics. 

The ACLU and the American Li- 


By CHIP RO 


+w. z 


brary Association have filed suit to 
overturn the Children's Internet Pro- 
tection Act, calling the law unconstitu- 
tional, unworkable and unnecessary. 
According to the ALA, more than 95 
percent of public libraries have for- 
mal Internet-use policies—guidelines 
debated and approved by local li- 
brary boards, In this case, antiporn 
activists hope to replace community 
standards with heavy-handed federal 
control. There's another troubling 
aspect to filters: Echoing the 
sentiments of their col- 
league in Chica- 


go, a dozen librarians in Minneapolis 
filed complaints with the Equal 
Employment Opportunity Commis- 
sion on the grounds that patrons who 
look at explicit websites create a “hos. 
tile work environment.” How can 
braries respond? If they install filters, 
sexual images will still leak through— 
a siren call to lawyers. EEOC officials 
suggested that the Minneapolis Pub- 
lic Library pay off the dirtied dozen 
with $75,000 each. 

Ironically, some of the same people 
who champion filters produce sites 
that could be, or have been, judged 
harmful. Last year, Jeffrey Pollock, a 
conservative Republican from Port- 
land, Oregon, ran for a seat in Con- 


DENIED) 


oU: tit bbs “У 


z^". 


Ç és 287 V. 


gress. He strongly supported manda- 
tory filtering until the day he dis- 
covered that his campaign site had 
been blocked, presumably because 
his anti-abortion statement included 
the words rape and incest. He imme- 
diately changed his position, telling 
parents not to give “God-like” power 
to a piece of software 

As Pollock discovered, when you 
install censorware you can't be sure 
what's going to be blocked. Because 
the filtering market is so competi- 

tive, none of the companies will 

reveal their blacklists. (The only 
exception is Net Nanny, which pro- 
vides a basic list and requires par- 
ents to manually enter additional 
sites or words.) One thing is for cer- 
tain: The companies aren't going to 
block the site of any conservative 
group that supports them, no mat- 
ter what material they contain. 

Bennett Haselton learned this 
firsthand when he conducted an ex- 
periment to demonstrate the flaws 
of filtering. Haselton runs a site at 
peacefire.org that includes instruc- 
tions on how to disable filters. The 
site's motto is "It's not a crime to Бе 
smarter than your parents.” Hasel- 
ton visited the sites of four vocal 
supporters of mandatory filtering 
(Focus on the Family, Concerned 
Women for America, the Family Re- 
search Council and radio host Lau- 
ra Schlessinger) to collect quotes 
denouncing homosexuality as un- 
healthy, immoral and destructive— 
words he thought might qualify as 
hate speech. 

Using this text, Haselton created 
four web pages with titles such as 
“The Homosexual Agenda Informa- 
tion Center.” He posted the anti- 
gay snippets without attribution. He 
then reported the pages to various 
filtering companies. Four compa- 
nies blocked every page; two others 
blocked at least two. Haselton shared 
the results with a reporter, who then 
phoned companies to inform them of 
the ruse. Each refused to block the 
original sites. 

‘Today's lesson, kids: It's not the 
content of the message but the clout 
of the messenger that will determine 
what you see. 


55 


R E 


BUCKLE UP 

Despite Officer Bart Turek's 
alleged bad attitude, he was 
within his rights to arrest Gail 
Atwater for not buckling up her 
children (“Soccer Mom,” The 
Playboy Forum, August). People 
are arrested every day for child 
endangerment, and she clear- 
ly endangered her kids. The 
Fourth Amendment guarantees 
against “unreasonable search- 
es and seizures,” not “unrea- 
sonable police attention.” What 
exactly was unreasonable about 
what Turek did? Atwater was, 
according to James R. Peter- 
sen's article, driving at a slow 
speed with her three-year-old 
son and five-year-old daugh- 
ter standing on the front seat 
To my knowledge, every state 
s laws requiring front-seat 

passengers to use safety belts. 

David Mariotti 
Crestview, Florida 


FOR THE RECORD 


Petersen's one-sided trash 
could only come from someone 
who has never walked in the 
shoes of a peace officer. He 
presents only Atwater's side of 
the story and takes everything 
she says as the truth. Asa police 
officer, 1 can't help wonder- 
ing under what circumstances 
Turck had encountered Atwa- 
ter before. Had he warned her 
to secure her children in seat 
belts prior to this stop? Had he 
seen an accident in which a 
child was killed because he or 
she had not been properly re- 
strained? (It's an image that would 
break your heart.) Was Atwater abusive 
toward him before or during this in 
cident? What makes PLAYBOY so sure 
Turek was being the jerk? If Petersen 
were a police officer, he would know 
how many people are jerks when they 
are getting a ticket. They break the law 
and then get angry with the officer. At- 
water was driving without a license. In 
California, that is a misdemeanor for 
which people are often arrested. 

When Petersen wrote, "Hey, you 
might say, Atwater was lucky to be 
alive,” 1 expected that he would go on 
to make a great point about Atwater's 
irresponsibility. Instead, he took an- 
other cheap shot at law enforcement, 
suggesting that Atwater should have 


C 


А, ВАТ ) 


E R 


provided the assessment that "it is 
nol unconstitutional for a police of- 
ficer to be а jerk.” Turek's motives 
[or acting as he did are irrelevant. 
The court did not consider or care 
whether he was having a bad hair 
day or a traffic fatality flashback— 
he is simply entitled to act that way. 
The majority of the justices decided 
they did not want to hinder the cop 
on the beat by requiring that he use 
discretion, judgment or good man- 
ners. In making that decision, the 
Court missed an opportunity to im- 
prove the citizen-police state inter- 
face—and that is a quality-of-life 
issue central to the Ball of Rights 
In our libertarian (rather than 
liberal) view, the problem isn't that 
Trek boorishly busted a soccer mom 
for violating a seat belt law; it's that 
legislators passed a mandatory seat 
belt law in the first place. Bad laws 
increase the chance of bad behav- 
ior—both by cops and the people 
they stop. Having said that, 1 al- 
ways buckle up, wear a motorcycle 
helmet and sail with a life jacket. 
Always. But 1 do this on my own, 


“When parents have problems supporting 
their children, we have different standards. We 
give mothers welfare and we give fathers jail.” 
—Dianna Thompson, executive director of the 
American Coalition for Fathers and Children, com- 
menting on a Wisconsin Supreme Court decision in the 
case of a 34-year-old man who owes $25,000 in sup- 
port for his nine children. The court ordered the man 
not to father any more children until his probation 
ends in 2004. If he disobeys the order (or if a condom 
breaks), he faces eight years in jail. 


been concerned for her life. In fact, she 
and her children should feel lucky to 
be alive. Had a drunk or inattentive 
driver her vehicle, her unbuckled 
passengers would have been in real and 
immediate danger. 

Finally, | reread the Bill of Rights 
and didn't see anything in there about 
a right to “live free of pointless indig- 
nity and confinement,” as Atwater 
claimed in her suit. Please make an ef- 
fort to print articles that don't just 
show the liberal point of view. You are 
alienating a lot of loyal readers. 

Richard Carter 
Newark, California 

Petersen responds: The description of Tur- 
ek's alleged behavior came straight from the 
Supreme Court. Justice Anthony Kennedy 


not because of some safety zealot's 
attempt to mandate common sense. 


INDECENT RADIO 

Here is another example of 
the FCC's attempt to censor 
what should be considered free 
speech (“Ваше Stations,” The 
Playboy Forum, August): In М: 
the agency fined a Portland, 
Oregon radio station $7000 for 
airing Sarah Jones’ song Your 
Revolution, These are some of 
the lyrics they deemed “patent- 
ly offensive” and “designed to pander 
and shock": “Your revolution will not 
happen between these thighs/The re 
al revolution ain't about booty size/ 
The Versaces you buys, or the Lexus 
you drives/And though we've lost Big- 
gie Smalls/ Your notorious revolution 
will never allow you to lace no lyrical 
douche in my bush.” If the commi 
sioners think these lyrics are indecent, 
they ought to spend more time in the 
real world, 


Rebecca Nellis 
New York, New York 


Not only does it suck that George W. 
Bush is running the country, but now 
Colin Powell's son, Michael, is help- 
ing run the FCC as its chairman. He's 


В ES 


P о N 


already made his mark by fining a Col- 
orado radio station $7000 for playing 
an edited version of The Real Slim Shady 
by Eminem. They didn't care that this 
censored version has been aired thou- 
sands of times by stations across the 
country. These are the lyrics the FCC 
objected to: "And if I'm lucky, you 
might just give ita little kiss/And that's 
the message we deliver to little kids/ 
And expect them not to know what a 
woman's bleep is/Of course they're gon- 
na know what intercourse is by the 
time they hit the fourth grade.” 

The FCC claimed that the song con- 
tained “offensive sexual references.” A 
bleep is an offensive sexual reference? 
I thought the point of bleeping out 
words was to protect innocent ears. 
Edited versions of songs are enough 
of an insult on the First Amendment. 
Now we can't even hear those. 

Greg Norman 
Denver, Colorado 


I don't disagree with all of the FCC's 
rulings on indecent broadcasts, but 
they sure are inconsistent, A Chicago 
man filed a complaint about a br 
cast on a morning radio show in which 
the host claimed that at the age of 27 
he had had sex with a nine-year-old 
Like most people, I find this disgust- 
ing. | also find it indecent. But in July 
sed the complaint for 
lack of “context” after the radio station 
claimed it didn't have a transcript or 
tape of the broadcast. Of course they'd 
say that! They're not going to help the 
government fine them. If the govern- 
ment is going to pursue these cases, it 
shouldn't be half-assed about и. 

James Myers 
Chicago, Illinois 


1 wanted to thank you for bringing 
convoluted and selective at- 


the public. I am the sinful heathen who 
produced Uterus Guy for WQAM-AM in 
The song aired during The Neil 
Rogers Show, for which 1 have been writ- 
ing and producing comedy bits since 
1987. One of the good Christian sol- 
s from the Florida Family Associa- 
tion taped the show for a week, then 
singled out Uterus Guy in a complaint to 
the FCC. Actually, it's one of the weak 
est bits Гуе ever written. There are a 
couple of songs about pissing with a 
boner that would make the bluenoses 
blow а load in their puritanical pants, 


hip to the attention of 


not to mention my works Pink Starfish 
and Lesbian Nun. 

Brian Ebrbar 

Boca Raton, Florida 


1 have a complaint for the FCC: Brit- 
ney Spears and 'N Syne suck. I'm of- 
fended by the shitty quality of their 
music. Please fine any radio station that 
plays them. Just because other people 
have children, why do I have to listen 
to this garbage? If 1 write the FCC to 
complain, it protect my right to be 
entertained? It's bizarre that in a free 
country a government agency can pun- 
ish a broadcaster based on a whiny com- 
plaint from a single person who (like 
anyone listening) has the choices to 
change the station or turn the radio off. 

Rick Duncan 
Warsaw. Indiana 


POT PARDON 

1 was amazed that Peter Ninemire, 
who received a 24-and-a-half-year sen- 
tence for cultivating 600 pot plants and 
was pardoned by President Clinton, 
had the gall to complain of unfair treat- 
ment in his letter to the Forum in Au- 
gust. Mandatory minimums are stupid, 
but this guy had two prior convictions. 
He kept breaking the law and paid for 
it. The drug war is insane, but those 
are the laws. If people want to smoke 
marijuana, they should move to the 
Netherlands. Otherwise, they shouldn't 
bitch when they get caught. | bet Nine- 
mire thinks that if he gets a speeding 
ticket after two warnings he shouldn't 

have to pay the fine. 

Mike Higginbotham 

Terre Haute, Indiana 


Peter Ninemire cultivated 600 mari- 
juana plants, and you have the balls 
to say that Clinton did the right thing 
by knocking 20 years off his sentence? 
Even if he wasn’ olent offender, I'd 
bet some of his clients were. If curbing 
drug use requires that we send people 
like Ninemire to prison for 25 years, so 
be it. As far as Гт concerned, as soon 
as you commit a crime, you don't have 
any rights, especially if you're dumb 
enough to get caught. 

B. Salvi 
Belleville, Illinois 


I wish I could get an early release 
like Peter Ninemire. | am incarcerated 


an ounce of cocaine. Like Ninemire, 1 


S 


E 


s for 26 years for possessing half 


FORUM Е.У. 1. 


Smile, you're оп the Live 


Cam. For more than a уе 


com has partnered with $ 


Maricopa County, 
says he wants th 
that inmates are not 


who appear on camer 
yet been charged with a 
critics say the cameras 


Arpaio to use jail came 
thing but security. 
year, Arpaio pulled ti 
camera that prisonel 
say had been traine 


57 


58 


had two previous drug convictions, 
both for possession (1 was addicted to 
crack). But 26 years just isn't fair. 


Commuting the sentences of drug 
dealers is wrong. This country has 
been spoiled by lenient laws and ri- 
diculous appeals. Start making drug 
dealers and users serve the time man- 
dated by law for their reliance on 
drugs and their pollution of society. 
No one owes them anything. 

Mike Espinoza 
Moab, Utah 

The case of Peter Ninemire and many 
other prisoners of the drug war isn’t an is- 
sue of guilt or innocence but of the punish- 
ment fitting the crime. Ninemire could 
have been caught growing 6000 plants 
and he still wouldn't deserve the mandato- 
ry sentence he received, which was 15.1 
more years than the average murderer, 
18.3 more years than the average rapist 
and 16.9 more years than the average rob- 
ber. (These figures, supplied by the Depart- 
ment of Justice, exclude the one percent of 
cases in which judges handed down life 
sentences.) Some readers consider mari- 
juana to be as dangerous to the “moral 
fiber” of the U.S. as heroin, cocaine and 
other narcotics. We don't. 


FOUND: DRUG CZAR 

In “Wanted: Drug Czar” (The 
Playboy Forum, March), James Bovard 
does an excellent job of laying out the 
requirements for a sensible director 
of drug control policy. Unfortunately, 
President Bush’s selection, john Wal- 
ters, does not meet any of the criteria. 

Walters, a conservative activist, is a 
protégé of the first drug czar, William 
Bennett. Under the first President 
Bush, Walters served as deputy direc- 
tor for supply reduction—a strate- 
gy that favors law enforcement over 
treatment. Under Walters, we can ex- 
pect to see Plan Colombia expand in- 
to an Andean regional drug war, and 
the slippery slope of the U.S. becom- 
ing involved in another distant jun- 
gle war. 

Walters also believes that it is an ur- 
ban myth that too many blacks are i 
carcerated. Never mind that almost 
two thirds of prisoners in state pris- 
ons for drug felonies are black when 
five times as many whites use illegal 
drugs. 

Walters’ views on drug treatment 
tend toward coercive and faith-based 
treatment, not treatment as part of 
normal health services. So we should 
not be surprised if we see more judg- 
es effectively sentencing drug offend- 


ers to religion. 

At a time when a huge number of 
Americans favor treatment over pun- 
ishment, the use of medical marijua- 
na and the decriminalization of mari- 
juana, Walters is the wrong choice. 
The president missed an opportunity 
to develop a sensible and effective 
drug policy. 

Kevin Zeese 
Common Sense for Drug Policy 
Washington, D.C 


PLAYBOY AT WORK 
A reader wrote in July to say that 
he had been forced by his human 


REFORM BY CHANCE 

Mostof us agree that itis time to re- 
store trust and respect to our judicial 
system. It is also time to take politics 
out of the process. Most important U.S. 
Supreme Court decisions are made 
on a 5 to 4 basis, so they might as well 
be decided by a toss of the coin. Cases 
that now take months or years to de- 
cide could be completed in a matter 
of minutes. No one would question 
the impartiality of the decision. Pun- 
dits could go back to whatever else it 
is that pundits do, and lawyers could 
go back to chasing ambulances. The 
Court's budget could be reduced to 


FORUM F.Y. 


As part of a discussion on 
controversial art, a Univer- 
sity of South Florida in- 
structor invited graduate 
assistant Derek Washing- 
ton to present his photo 
Nigger Lover. One of the 
250 students in the Intro- 
duction to Art class, Nicole 
Ferry, described the image 
to her father, who wrote a 
letter to school officials, “| 
am not an art critic and 
loathe censorship, but from 


my perspective, you have exposed my daughter to crude and disgusting 
pornography." A year later Nicole Ferry sued the school, the instructor 
and Washington in federal court, charging sexual harassment. USF paid 
her $25,000 to settle; officials say they wanted to fight, but the state's Di- 
vision of Risk Management wouldn't allow it. Take a long look at Wash- 
ington's photo. The state of Florida is ready to pay for your suffering 


resources department to shred his au- 
tographed copy of PLAYBOY (“Of 
fice Reading," The Playboy Forum). He 
should find a lawyer. Having co- 
workers say “Hey, porn man" sounds 
like sexual harassment to me. 

Doug Poler 

Lake Osvego, Oregon 


"That reader doesn't need anoth- 
er magazine as much as he needs a 
backbone. 

Jim Lockett 
Fayetteville, Pennsylvania 


1 can't believe that guy gave in to 
that HR prick. Where were his co- 
jones? He should have quit. 

Gray 
Redding, California 

Wouldn't it be great if every pissed-off 
American worker could quit his job? Un- 
Jortunately, that's a luxury many people 
can't afford. As for the reader's cojones, a 
coward wouldn't have written the letter. 


the cost of a few rolls of quarters (or 
dimes or nickels in times of govern- 
ment cutbacks), and the nine justices 
could be replaced by a single court 
offi in a black-and-white-striped 
shirt. This would allow the justices to 
move on to more important roles and 
venues, such as presiding on Animal 
Court or Ally McBeal. Finally, Con- 
gress could stop squabbling about ju- 
dicial nominees, and we would all 
be spared the embarrassment of hav- 
ing to sit through spectacles like the 
Robert Bork and Clarence Thomas 
hearings. 


Fred Leonard 
Tucson, Arizona 


We'd like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff 
to The Playboy Forum, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and city and state or province. 


IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PRIVACY 


At HugeBank, our customers’ 
trust is our most valuable asset. A 
new federal law requires us to 
outline our privacy regulations, 
giving each customer the oppor- 
tunity to complain before we vio- 
late his or her privacy in egre- 
gious and insulting ways. 

That is why, as a member of 
HugeGroup, we are committed 
to the HugeBank Privacy Prom- 
ise. As you read our policy below, 
keep in mind that privacy is not a 
right but a luxury. In China (to 
cite a well-known example), peo- 
ple can’t even use the bathroom 
by themselves; there are just too 
many people. The next time you 
are tempted to complain about a 
HugeBank fee, remember: It's a 
small price to pay to keep Chi- 
nese people from living in your 
bathroom. 


The HugeGroup 
Privacy Promise 

Keeping customer informa- 
tion secure and using it only as 
our customers would want us 
to—were they a faceless multina- 
tional with no values other than 
expedience and no god other 
than profit—is a priority for all 
of us at HugeBank. Here, then, 
is our promise to you, our val- 
ued customer: 

(1) The Privacy Promise is pri- 
vate. Please do not speak about 
it openly, even with HugeBank 
employees. Itis also governed by 
the rules and customs of all cor- 
porate “promises.” 


(2) We will share any relevant 
personal information within 
the expansive HugeGroup fami- 
ly. Those customers wanting to 
know why, or for what, are ad- 
vised to go to their branch offices 
and ask any one of our “made” 
vice presidents. See what hap- 
pens next 

(3) We may—hell, let's just say 
we will—facilitate relevant of- 
fers from reputable companies. 
Rest assured we will never sell 
your data unless we get a really 
good offer. For the purposes of 
this policy, “reputable” is defined 
as any company that pays us. “Rel- 
evant” is defined as anything. 

(4) Because we are committed 
to your privacy, our marketing 
partners are not permitted to 
retain customer information 
unless the customer (you) has 
specifically expressed an in- 
terest in their products ог ser- 
vices. All interested parties, 
please remain silent. Thank 
you—your preference has been 
recorded. 

(5) We will permit only autho- 
rized employees—plus under- 
paid and relentlessly exploited 
temps, each aching to kick Huge- 
Bank viciously in the crotch—to 
have access to your financial in- 
formation. Employees who vio- 
late our Privacy Promise will be 
subject to the HugeBank discipli- 
nary process, code-named Tacit 
Approval. ‘Temps who violate our 
Privacy Promise will laugh about 
it on their next assignments. 


(6) Customers may ask to be 
removed from our mailing lists 
at any time, for any reason. Each 
request must be submitted in 
writing. For verification purpos- 
es, each request also must in- 
clude details of at least one em- 
barrassing or scandalous secret 
that only the HugeBank cus- 
tomer would know. Because of 
the sensitive nature of this verifi- 
cation data, our privacy policy 
requires us to destroy all removal 
requests unread. 

(7) For purposes of credit re- 
porting, risk management or 
merely a mean-spirited chuckle, 
we may provide information to 
organizations that will harass and 
humiliate you and likely prevent 
you from owning a home, buying 
а car, paying for college or pay- 
ing for dinner with anything but 
a pile of sweaty bills for the rest 
of your life. 

(8) Go ahead, try something. 
We have all your money. 


Please Mark 
Your Drivacy 
Preference Below 

__ Yes, 1 would like my infor- 
mation to be shared with repu- 
table companies, so that 1 might 
be constantly tempted to buy 
things 1 don't need, can't use ог 
don't understand. 

... No, I would like my infor- 
mation to be shared only with 
disreputable companies. Also, 
please ask them to phone dur- 
ing dinner. 


By MICHAEL GERBER 


59 


60 


N E W 


5 F К 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


SAFETY CHECK 


CHICAGO—As part of Terrorism Aware- 
ness Month, security officials unexpectedly 
searched judges, lawyers and clerks enter- 
ing the county courthouse. They found 50 


pieces of contraband, including a slender 
dagger concealed in a pen, brass knuckles, 
tear gas, a padlock and a bullet. Dozens of 
people left the building rather than pass 
through the checkpoints. A security official 
said he suspects many were lawyers carry- 
ing guns in their briefcases to protect their 
cash receipts. 


CORNER LAIR 


PHILADELPHIA— The city closed a local 
business after inspectors found whips, 
chains, ropes, restraints, billy clubs, pad- 
dles, a catile prod and a room arranged to 
look like a doctor's office, complete with ex- 
am lable and forceps. The owners said they 
ran a photo studio, but the city concluded it 
was ап SEM dungeon and thus violated 
zoning ordinances. City officials had been 
alerted when neighbors complained they 
could hear people screaming. 


THOUGHT POLICE 


COLUMBUS, OHIO—While on probation 
fora 1998 conviction involving child por- 
nography, Brian Dalton, 22, made the 
mistake of writing down his troubled 
fantasies. His parents found his 14-page 
handwritten journal that included ficti- 
tious descriptions of the sexual abuse of 


three children. They turned the journal 
over to the police, hoping their son would 
be given treatment. Authorities instead 
charged Dalton with pandering obscenity. 
He pleaded guilty, and a judge sentenced 
him to seven years in prison. “Even with- 
out passing it on to anyone else, he com- 
mitted a felony” simply by writing the fan- 
Lasies down, the prosecutor said. 


WE SEE VOU 


NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT —A local 
rental car company decided the best way to 
prevent damage to its fleet would be to stop 
drivers from speeding. It installed satellite 
tracking devices in each vehicle, then add- 
ed a clause to its contract notifying rent- 
ers that it would automatically withdraw 
$150 from their bank accounts each time 
they drove faster than 79 mph for more 
than two minutes. 

LITTLETON, COLORADO—A robotic sys- 
tems company has developed a product to 
track parolees in real time. Released con- 
victs wear two-pound belt packs each time 
they leave their homes. Using satellite tech- 
nology, parole officers can follow their 
movements on a laptop or handheld com- 
puter to within 12 yards of accuracy. The sys- 
tem also allows an officer to determine if a 
parolee takes other than an approved route 
10 and from work. 


ILLEGAL SEX 


Although many states still have laws 
that ban oral and/or anal sex, activists are 
getting them overturned. Earlier this year, 
Arizona repealed laws that since 1901 had 
criminalized cohabitation and sodomy. In 
Minnesota, a judge declared the state's 
sodomy law unconstitutional. And in Lou- 
isiana, а judge ruled that officials can't 
enforce a law against “unnatural car- 
nal copulation.” Updates are available on- 
line at sodomylaus.org. 


HOUSE OF CADS 


WETHERSFIELD, GONNECTICUT—Rich- 
аға Levitt’s first mistake was to leave his 
laptop open at the hotel where he and his 
girlfriend were staying. She noticed her 
image on the screen, then spotted a minia- 
ture camera aimed at the bed. Searching 
his computer, she discovered that Levitt 
had posted explicit video of her on a web- 
site for swingers. She also learned that 
Levitt had another lover—and a wife. The 


girlfriend phoned the wife to reveal the af- 


fair, then contacted the other woman. The 


two mistresses confronted Levitt al his 
home, and police came to the scene. After 
sorting И all out, prosecutors charged Leu- 
itt with voyeurism, dissemination of voy- 
euristic materials and lying to police. 


RUBBER WAIT 


LONDON—A British inventor hopes to 
make his fortune from a condom that he 
says can protect a man from false accusa- 
tions of date rape. The Consent Condom is 
emblazoned with the slogan YES. 1 AGREE 
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU and comes ший a 
plastic insert that a woman marks with 
a thumbprint. However, a lauyer noted 
a major flaw: The condom would prove on- 
ly that the woman had been present, not 
whether she later withdrew her consent. A 
therapist added, “If you don't trust some- 
one enough not to accuse you of rape af- 
terward, maybe sex isn't such а good idea.” 


NICE RACKET 


BOGOTA, COLOMBIA—Police arrested 
three young women who apparently fig- 
ured out how to make the most of their 
charms. The trio rubbed their bosoms with 
powerful sedatives and then struck pos- 
es to catch the attention of passersby in a 


wealthy neighborhood. Once the men man- 
aged to get to second base and kiss or lick 
one of the women’s breasts, it was lights 
out. The victims would awake without 
their wallets and cars, and no idea of what 
had happened. 


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SKECHERS 
> COLLECTION 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JOEL & ЕТНАМ COEN 


a candid conversation with the maverick filmmakers about blowing up cows 
and rabbits, avoiding the studio system and working the Hollywood baby pit 


A barber pole twirls outside 
the window and three barber 
chairs are in a row, facing a wall 
of mirrors. On a shelf is a collec- 
поп of razors, clippei 
and aftershave lotion. 
man lazi 


When а 
sits in one of the 
chairs, the barber, who is dressed 


in white, asks, “What it be?” 
The guy answers, “Just a trim. 

1% а scene replayed through- 
ош America every day, but this 
isn't a real barbershop. This bar- 
ber isn't really a barber, either. 
It's Billy Bob Thornton, the ас- 
tor and director renowned for 
the 1996 movie Sling Blade, 
whose lack of training as a bar- 
ber doesn't stop him from cutting 
hair. There's a line of peaple— 
mostly extras who are here with 
the hope of a quick scene in the 
movie—waiting for haircuts. 
“The sad thing is that Billy Bob 
thinks he's good,” says the mov- 
ie's co-writer Ethan Coen. “He's 
like one of those guys who trains 
lo be a boxer for a boxing movie, 
then thinks he can beat people 
up.” Ethan and his brother, Joel 
Coen, cackle about Thornton's 
“victims.” “We've seen some 
pretty gruesome haircuts.” 

Bad haircuts are only one of 
the offbeat things moviegoers are 
likely to find in a Coen broth- 
ers movie, Joel and Ethan, who 
jointly write, direct, edit and 


JOEL: “The issue of violence in 
movies bores me. The discussion 
about violence in movies is end- 
less. There's all this political 
stuff around i 


produce their movies, have been 
called the Merry Pranksters of 
filmmaking. Working mostly out- 
side of the traditional studio 5) 
tem, the Coens produce movies 
that are black, hilarious and vi- 
olent, with thin or confused plots 
and twisted, grotesque, if unfor- 
gettable, characters. The movie 
Business is known for adhering 
to formula and its aversion to 
rish, but many of the Coens’ mov- 
ies seem not only noncommercial 
but anticommercial. Woody Al- 
len may be the only other director 
who is consistently able to make 
whatever movies he wants with- 
out regard for box-office poten- 
tial (which isn't to say that some 
Coen brothers movies haven't 
done well at the box office). And 
while Woody Allen's movies are 
sweet and somewhat predictable, 
the Coens’ are neither. 

Who else would have brutally 
and messily exploded a cow in O 
Brother, Where Art Thou?, or 
hand-grenaded a rabbit in Rai 
ing Arizona? But their most vi- 
olent moments have been saved 
for humans, leasing such indeli- 
ble images as John Goodman 
charging through an inferno 
while blasting a shotgun in Bar- 
ton Fink. Or Steve Buscemi be- 
ing stuffed into a wood chipper 
(blood spraying everywhere) in 
Fargo. Or Dan Hedaya being 


~ RECOVERY MU 


ETHAN: “We don't generally 
worry about repealing ourselves. 
Being original and always do- 
ing the new thing is incredibly 
overrated.” 


buried alive in their first mov- 
ie, Blood Simple. (When he tries 
to rise up, he's furiously beat- 
en back down with a shovel.) 
In their latest movie, The Man 
Who Wasn't There, the Coens 
knock off Tony Soprano. The 
character in the film played by 
Sopranos star James Gandolfini 
dies slowly, thick blood gurgling 
from a tiny hole in his jugu- 
lar vein. 

Shot in black and white and 
set in the California town of 
Santa Rosa in 1949, the movie 
is inspired by Alfred Hitchcock 
and James M. Cain. Thornton, 
as barber Ed Crane, starts out as 
one of the bleakest characters in 
movie history. His wife, played 
by Frances McDormand (Joel's 
wife, who won an Academy 
Award for her performance in 
Fargo), has an affair with Gan- 
dolfini, who winds up on the 
wrong end of a cigar cutter. The 
movie does the film noir genre 
proud not only with a generous 
amount of infidelity, greed and 
bad luck but with a sleazy tooth- 
pick-chewing detective, an oily 
defense lawyer and a sexy but 
sad shaving scene (in which 
Thornton shaves s McDormand's 
legs). Ethan says the movie is 
about “ordinary middle-Ameri- 
can people who get into a situa- 
tion that spirals out of control." 


JOEL: "You would never know 
whether Brando was going 10 
show up and want to play the 
part as а bagel. I think he has 
gone off the deep end.” 


There is nothing ordinary 
about the characters in any Coen 
brothers film, beginning with 
1984's Blood Simple, another 
film noir about infidelity and 
greed. “It is the most inventive 
and original thriller in many a 
moon,” wrote David Ansen in 
Newsweek, “a maliciously enter- 
taining murder story.” 

Next came Raising Arizona, a 
surreal comedy with Holly Hun- 
ter and Nicolas Cage that moved 
at the pace of a Roadrunner car- 
toon, then Miller's Crossing, a 
meditation on loyalty and ф 
trayal set in America’s organized 
crime community of the Thirties. 

In 1991 the Coens released 
Barton Fink, a scathing look at 
the Hollywood film industry of 
the early Forties that quickly 
became a classic and won the 
Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film 
Festival. Throughout their as- 
cent, the Coens worked with a 
regular crew of unusual actors, 
including McDormand, Good- 
man, John Turturro, Hunter and 
Buscemi, whose careers were pro- 
pelled by their performances in 
Coen brothers films. The Coens” 
successes gave them access lo 
bigger stars, including Tim Rob- 
bins and Paul Newman, who ар- 
peared in The Hudsucker Proxy, 
a lyrical fable in the tradition 
of Frank Capra and Preston 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MELINDA SUE GORDON 
ETHAN: “Awards put a movie 
on people's radar. Festivals are 
good even though the idea of 
putting movies in competition 
is ridiculous.” 


63 


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Sturges. It was McDormand, however, who 
helped catapult their biggest hit, Fargo, to 
six Independent Spirit Awards and seven 
Oscar nominations. It won two—MeDor- 
mand for best actress and Joel aud Ethan for 
best screenplay. 

The Big Lebowski (1998) cast Jeff Bridges 
as a Venice Beach stoner and fohn Good- 
man as a slightly unhinged Vieinam vet pit- 
ted against avant-garde artists, pornogra- 
phers and German nihilists. Last year's O 
Brother, Where Art Thou?, a Depression-era 
tale of a mismatched trio who escape а chain 
gang and then have a series of adventures 
rambling around the Old South, features a 
hilarious performance by George Clooney. 

After The Man Who Wasn't There opens, 
the Coens head for Japan to shoot an adap- 
tation of James Dickey's third and final nov- 
el, To the White Sca. Published in 1993, it's 
a stark story that chronicles the adventures 
of a World War H tailgunner shot down on 
a mission over Tokyo. The movie, starring 
Brad Pitt, has a budget of $45 million, 
which makes it their most expensive film to 
date. A big chunk of the budget will be spent 
re-creating the 1945 firebombing of Tokyo. 
The film is almost dialogue free, a modern- 
day silent film. 

The Coens were born in a suburb of Min- 
neapolis called St, Louis Park—Joel in 
1954, Ethan т 1957. Their father was an 
economics professor at the University of Min- 
nesota and their mother an art history pro- 
fessor at St. Cloud State. Smart, sophisticat- 
ed kids but unexceptional students, they 
mostly skied and watched movies. Th 
Truffaut's 400 Blows in a high school cine- 
ma club but claim to have been more inspired 
by Dean Jones and Doris Day comedies, 
cheap horror flicks and Tarzan movies. 

In their early teens the Coens mowed 
lawns and saved money to buy a Vivitar cam- 
era. With it, they began shooting Super-8 
movies, including such early efforts as a 
remake of Naked Prey called Zeimers in 
Zambia, a remake of Lassie Come Home 
called Ed, a Dog that featured Ethan as the 
female lead (costumed in his older sister's tu- 
tu) and The Banana Film, the story ofa man 
with an uncanny ability to smell bananas. 

As teenagers, both Coens attended Simon's 
Rock College of Bard, a college for high 
school age students in Great Barrington, 
Massachusetts. Joel spent a lot of his free 
time in Manhattan and in the mid-Seventies 
he enrolled in the film studies program at 
New York University. Of his years al NYU, 
Joel says, “1 was a cipher there. 1 sat at the 
back of the room with an insane grin on my 
face.” After college, he spent the early Eight- 
ies working as an assistant in various capac- 
ities on a series of low-budget films. As relat- 
ed in Ronald Bergan's book on the brothers, 
filmmaker Barry Sonnenfeld hired Joel to be 
a production assistant on an industrial film. 
“Without a doubt the worst PA I ever worked 
with,” Sonnenfeld recalls. “He got three 
parking tickets, came late and set fire to the 
smoke machine. 

Ethan, meanwhile, headed to Princeton, 
where he studied philosophy and wrote a 


senior thesis tilled “Two Views of Wittgen- 
stein’s Later Philosophy." During that lime, 
he temporarily left school and then applied 
for readmission. When he was late getting 
the forms in, he wrote that he'd had his arm 
blown off in a hunting accident. He was re- 
admitted only after a meeting with the col- 
lege psychiatrist. In 1979, he moved to Man- 
hatian and had a series of temporary jobs. 
The brothers soon began writing scripts to- 
gether in their spare time. By 1981, they had 
written Blood Simple. They shot a three-min- 
ute trailer for their nonexistent movie and 
used it to secure funding for the film. In Sep- 
tember 1982, the Coens went to Austin, Tex- 
as and shot Blood Simple in cight weeks. 
They divided up the credits on the movie the 
way they've subsequently appeared on all 
their films: written by Joel and Ethan Coen, 
produced by Ethan Coen, directed by Joel 
Coen. In fact, it’s an arbitrary listing, be- 
cause both of them share all the duties on all 
of their films. They even jointly edit their 
movies under the pseudonym Roderick 
Jaynes. 

Joel's first marriage fell by the wayside. 
When Frances McDormand was cast as the 
female lead in Blood Simple, he fell in love 
with her. They married in 1984 and now live 
on Manhattan's Upper West Side with their 
seven-year-old son. Ethan met his wife, edi- 
tor Tricia Cooke, on the set of Miller's Cross- 
ing. They live in lower Manhattan and have 
a five-year-old son and an infant daughter, 

The Coen brothers work nonstop and are 
notoriously reluctant interview subjects, but 
PLAVBOY managed to sit them down while 
they were completing The Man Who Wasn't 
There. Kristine MeKenna, who recently spoke 
with Tim Burton for the magazine, was 
tapped for the assignment. Here's her report: 

“Besides their strange sensibility and mov- 
iemaking talent, the most remarkable thing 
about the Coen brothers is their relationship. 
They spend an extraordinary amount of time 
together, yet they don't interrupt each other, 
they laugh at each other's jokes, listen to each 
other's ideas with interest and seem to gen- 
uinely like each other. They talk like they 
make their films—one of them mentions а 
fragment of an idea, the other takes it fur- 
ther and they bounce it back and forth until 
il metamorphoses into something interesting. 
provocative, silly or—oflen—weird.” 


PLAYBOY: How important is commercial 
success to you? 

JOEL: We want the movies to be seen. At 
the same time, we're resigned to the fact 
that we're not making commercial mov- 
ies and the appeal will be limited. 

a movie 


ETHAN: On the other hand, 
does better than you though 
it’s gratifying, Conversely, 
pointing if it doesn’t perform up to your 
expectations. 

PLAYBOY: What hasn't? 

ETHAN: The Hudsucker Proxy was the worst 
commercially. Miller's Crossing didn't do 
any business, either. From a financial 
point of view, they were disasters. 
PLAYBOY: Do you know why they failed? 


Pool. 

It's one of those 
little moments that 
mean a lot. 

So get out there and 


enjoy it and the other 


To participate in future Basic 


special times just 


like it. 


programs, you may be 


required to submit a copy of 


a valid government-issued ID 


1 


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Call 

800- 

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Limited to smokers 21 and older. 


588-3999 


À 


PLAYBOY 


JOEL: That's the same as trying to find 
out why one worked. After the fact, it's 
bogus. Who knows? 

PLAYBOY: 15 there no relationship be- 
tween commercial success and good mov- 
ies? Can you see reasons why Fargo was a 
hit and The Hudsucker Proxy wasn't? 


ETHAN: No. 
JOEL: No. 
ETHAN: Within certain broad parameters 


you know a movie might appeal to a wid- 
er audience than another one, but we're 
not kidding ourselves. 

JOEL; We thought O Brother, Where Art 
Thou? could appeal to a wider audience, 
and we knew Barton Fink never would. 
ETHAN: But we had no idea Fargo was go- 
ing to do any business at all. 

JOEL: That's true. We thought it was like 
Barton Fink. We thought, We're going to 
make it really cheaply and nobody will 
get hurt. We used to try to figure this 
stuff out. We thought it was important to 
know why some movies were successful 
and some weren't if we wanted to survive 
in the business. We gave up. After the 
fact, it's easy to come up with reasons. 
Fran's performance had а lot to do with 
Fargo. People loved it. However, while 
we were shooting the film we had no 
idea the public was going to love that 
character. On the other hand, I thought 
Jennifer Jason Leigh was really funny 
in The Hudsucker Proxy, but the perfor- 
mance seemed to rub people the wrong 
way. Why? Who knows? 

PLAYBOY: Do the awards feel random, 
too? 

JOEL: You have a better sense of the 
awards. We knew The Big Lebowski wasn't 
an awards kind of movie. 

PLAYBOY: Why not? 

JOEL: It's a silly comedy. Raising Arizona 
was another silly comedy. 

ETHAN: Comedy in general doesn't get 
invited on that circuit, 

JOEL: On the other hand, we knew that 
The Man Who Wasn't There would be 
invited to Cannes, where it won a big 
prize. 

ETHAN: It's in black and white. 

JOEL: Black and white invites prizes. 
ETHAN: Especially from the French. 
PLAYBOY: Where does quality come in? 
ETHAN: Awards are not about quality. 
JOEL: We go to competitions because the 
movies get more attention. That’ 
main reason. The press attention i 
portant with our movies. We don't have 
the advertising budget that, say, Pearl 
Harbor does. 

ETHAN: The awards put a movie on рео- 
ple’s radar. Festivals are good, even 
though the idea of putting movies in 
competitions—this one is the best this, 
that one is the best that—is ridiculous. 
PLAYBOY: Are you able to make virtual- 
ly any movie you want without interfer- 
en m movie studios? 
JOEL: We're mercifully free of the Holly- 
wood committee development process 


66 and the process of making the movie. 


They understand that if they are going 
to do a movie with us, they'll let us do it 
our way. 

ETHAN: We've never been messed with. 
JOEL: For a couple reasons 

ETHAN: For one, we write the script. We 
tell the story the way we want and no one 
tells us what we should be doing. Also, 
our movies are cheap. Ir's nothing for 
them. Most of the movies they're making 
give them bigger headaches. 

JOEL: No one will get fired over one of 
our movies. 

ETHAN: Nobody even had much to say 
about O Brother, which cost more than 
the others, because the financial health 
of the movie studio didn't depend on 
such a small movie. 

PLAYBOY: Joel once said, “Ethan has a 
nightmare of one day finding me on the 
set of something like The Incredible Hulk, 
wearing a gold chain and saying ‘I've got 
to eat, don't I?" Could you ever sell out? 
JOEL: The whole selling-out thing really 
isn't an issue because neither of us finds 
money that interesting. 

ETHAN: The movie people let us play in 
the corner of the sandbox and leave us 
alone. We're happy here. 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree that it’s a small 
and uncrowded corner? Who else be- 
sides you and perhaps Woody Allen can 
make whatever movies they want? 

JOEL: Maybe Woody Allen and us. Yeah. 
ETHAN: There are some big directors 
who've made huge hits who can do what 
they want. 

JOEL: But they aren't as marginal as we 
are. There aren't many who have mar- 
ginally commercial movies and have our 
freedom. We're lucky. We know it. It's 
back to the fact that we work cheap. 
ETHAN: That's really the long and the 
short of it. 

JOEL: Our movies are inexpensive be- 
cause we storyboard our films in the 
same highly detailed way Hitchcock did. 
As a result, there's little improvisation. 
Preproduction is cheap compared with 
trying to figure things out on a set with 
an entire crew standing around, 

ETHAN: So we're left alone, which is in- 
deed sort of miraculous. 

PLAYBOY: Do the distributors have a say 
at all? 

ETHAN: No. They say things, but we don't 
necessarily listen. They were nervous 
about the new movie. 

JOEL: Principally because it was in black 
and white. 

ETHAN: People were terrified of that. 
Black and white stigmatizes a movie in 
the eyes of the exhibitors. It means it’s 
an art film. They are leery of it. They 
may have good reasons, I don't know. 
However, it was important to us to make 
it black and white, though it was harder 
to get the financing. 

PLAYBOY: Did you consider switching to 
color? 

ETHAN: No. We just wouldn't have made 
it, at least not now. We would have put 


it in a drawer. 

JOEL: We got away with it because, once 
again, the movie was cheap. It was under 
$20 million. That said, we know we're 
lucky. We're in an enviable position 
We've made enough of these things—it's 
not as if we're just starting out. We're 
a known quantity. When we first start- 
ed, we were lucky because there was a 
lot less activity in the independent film 
world. There weren't 700 movies sub- 
mitted a year to the Sundance Film Fes- 
tival. It was easier to get some attention. 
There was less noise. 

PLAYBOY: Would it be tougher to release 
Blood Simple now? 

JOEL: 1 imagine it would be. We're lucky 
because now people know who we аге. 
We have a track record in the market, 
for what it's worth. 

ETHAN: Our record goes both ways, 
though. 

JOEL: Yes, they know they can lose a little 
money on us, too [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: You have been called the 
"grandfathers of the independent film- 
maker movement." Are you proud of 
your progeny? 

ETHAN: God! You're not going to make us 
responsible for that, are you? 

PLAYBOY: [s that a bad thing? 

ETHAN: The thing is, people have always 
been making films outside of the studios. 
JOEL: For decades there was marginal, 
nonnarrative stuff. The current variety 
of independent films started in the Six- 
ties with people like Roger Corman, 
Russ Meyer and, later, John Sayles. 
ETHAN: We aren't the grandfathers of any 
movement. In the Eighties, the so-called 
indie film movement was a media cre- 
ation. What I found irritating is that 
dependent" became an encomium. Lf it 
was independent, it was supposed to be 
good. and studio films were bad. Obvi- 
ously, there are bad independent films 
and good studio films. 

PLAYBOY: The Hudsucker Proxy was the first 
time you worked with a big-name Holly- 
wood producer, Joel Silver. Were you ap- 
prehensive about working with him? 
JOEL: We were a little, because of his rep- 
utation. However, Joel is a smart guy 
and he knew what we were looking for 
when we got into business with him. We 
weren't looking for a partner in terms of 
the nitty-gritty of the production. We 
were looking for someone to help us 
with the studio and help us finance the 
movie. He offered his services on that 
basis. When he says he'll do something, 
he does it. 

PLAYBOY: Another thing that has come 
with your success are big-name actors. 
Is it different working with people such 
as George Clooney, Brad Pitt or Paul 
Newman? 

JOEL: The bigger stars we've worked with 
have been without the movie-star vani- 
ties or meshugaas that you read about 
and dread. Clooney, for example, w 
the opposite. He has no entourage. He's 


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ETHAN: Paul Newman, too. It’s in part 
self-selecting. We pay so little. The peo- 
ple who want to have their movie-star 
things indulged wouldn't work with us. 
JOEL: We couldn't give them the stuff 
they're used to. 

ETHAN: Someone who wanted a big salary 
and a lot of attention would tell us to get 
lost. If they work with us, they are doing 
it for other reasons. They wouldn't be 
doing it if they were coming with some 
movie-star agenda. 

JOEL: Definitely not for the money. 
ETHAN: Or more fame. Our movies don't 
make them recognized on the street, 
necessarily. 

PLAYBOY: Are you recognized on the 
street? 

JOEL: If people recognize me, it's because 
they're looking at my credit card. Frank- 
ly, nobody gives a shit. I get a little more 
of it when I'm with Fran, because people 
recognize her. Her fame can occasionally 
be intrusive, but she’s not in the catego- 
ry of people who can't go out. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever take advantage of 
her celebrity? 

JOEL: Sometimes Fran will be in a crowd- 
ed New York restaurant and the manag- 
er will give her a card with a number she 
can сай so she can get a reservation even 
if there aren't any available. Has she ever 
used that? Yeah, probably. 

PLAYBOY: Do you write movies with ac- 
tors—Fran or anyone else—in mind? 
ETHAN: Half-and-half. We often think 
about people we know and have worked 
with before. With Fran, with John Tur- 
turro. With some of the other people. 
PLAYBOY: Did you discover Turturro? 
JOEL: We knew him before we did Miller's 
Crossing. He went to school with Fran. 
You get to know one actor and you're on 
a slippery slope 

PLAYBOY: Is it gratifying to set people like 
him off on successful careers? 

JOEL: It's a mutual thing. 

PLAYBOY: How about Steve Buscemi? 
JOEL: We met him in an audition. When 
there's a great collaboration like the 
one with him, you want to work togeth- 
er again. 

PLAYBOY: When you first cast John Good- 
man, he was about to begin work on 
Roseanne. 

ETHAN: The TV show hadn't begun and 
he wasn't well known. He just came in on 
an audition. 

JOEL: We work with someone and—I 
don't know. It works or not. There's 
sympathy to a working style and getting 
along well. There's also the actor's abili- 
ty, of course. Something just happens 
ETHAN: They understand the material in 
a full way. In addition, they surprise you 
by what they bring to the roles 

PLAYBOY: How have you cast people like 
Billy Bob Thornton, Jeff Bridges or Paul 
Newman? 

JOEL: We write these things and we need 
actors. Other than the parts for the peo- 


ple we always work with, we don't real- 
ly have an idea who will play the parts 
Sometimes we think about the role and 
about actors we know from their work. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ask Paul Newman? 
ETHAN: Yes. We asked and he said yes. 
We couldn't believe it. 

PLAYBOY: Did you feel intimidated work- 
ing with him? 

JOEL: Not at all. Paul is a regular guy in 
the very best way. He is completely unaf- 
fected. The only actor I imagine might 
make us nervous is Brando. You'd nev- 
er know whether he was going to show 
up and want to play the part as a bagel 
or something. I think he's gone off the 
deep end. 

PLAYBOY: How did you cast Fargo? 

JOEL: We wrote Fran's part for Fran and 
Steve Buscemi's part for Steve. But Bill 
Macy came in during a casting session 
PLAYBOY: Fargo was loosely based on a 
1987 kidnapping that took place in Min- 
nesota. Are you often inspired by real 
events? 

JOEL: We found the story compelling, but 
we weren't interested in rendering the 
details as they were. We're not big on 
research and we just don't care at а cer- 
tain point 

PLAYBOY: Did a real person inspire the 
Dude, Jeff Bridges’ character in The Big 
Lebowski? 

ETHAN: Yes. 

JOEL: Definitely [they laugh]. 

ETHAN: A couple people in LA did, es- 
pecially one guy. We spent time in LA 
and met a few people who were quintes- 
sentially LA people. One guy in particu- 
lar—a producer—was like the guy in the 
movie. 

PLAYBOY: Did you do a lot of research 
about the drug culture, or do you know 
about it from personal experience? 
ETHAN: It's just this guy. The guy is a pot- 
head and stuck in the Sixties. A former 
SDS guy. There are a lot of those people 
out there like him. 

PLAYBOY: Do you often base your charac- 
ters on real people? 

JOEL: Often the characters are compos- 
ites. Normally. 

ETHAN: And sometimes they're not. 
PLAYBOY: Are there actors you've written 
parts for who have repeatedly turned 
you down? 

JOEL: It took us a long time to get Jeff 
Bridges to take the part in The Big Lebow- 
ski, He danced around it for a while. Гуе 
heard that he does that on every movie 
He's slow to take a part and has a lot of 
insecurity about it before he commits to 
it. But once he does, the insecurity evap- 
orates. That was another fun working 
experience. 

PLAYBOY: Which star from the past do 
you most regret having missed the op- 
portunity to work with? 

ETHAN: Richard Burton would have been 
good. 

JOEL: I'd like to have worked with Fred 
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PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: Do you think you're better film- 
makers when you're working with actors 
you like? 

ETHAN: We only work with actors we like. 
PLAYBOY: After Miller's Crossing, Gabri- 
el Byrne said, "It was not a fun set." 
Why not? 

JOEL: Gabriel can be moody, but we had 
a good time with him. Tex Cobb, who 
played the biker in Raising Arizona, is the 
only person we've worked with who 
posed problems. He's not an actor, and 
he was going through some shit at the 
time. He was a bit of a pain in the ass. 
PLAYBOY: How about Nicolas Cage in that 
movie? 

ETHAN: He was great. We're hoping to do 
something else with him. We've written 
a Cold War comedy 
called 62 Skidoo that 
we want him to do. It 
deals with amnesia, 
mistaken identity and 
that very Sixties ques- 
tion, "Who am I?" It's 
vaguely in the tradi- 
tion of Seconds and 
The Manchurian Can- 
didate, which are in- 
credibly groovy mov- 
ies that were very 
much of their time. 
PLAYBOY: Did you 
write Raising Arizona 
with Cage in mind? 
JOEL: We actually 
wrote it for Holly 
Hunter—with her in 
mind. 

PLAYBOY: Was it chal- 
lenging to direct all 
the babies you had in 
that movie? 

JOEL: ]t was bizarre. 
Whenever you have 
an infant, you have to 
triple or quadruple 
them. When we had 
five kids in the movie, 
we had to have 15 ba- 
bies on the set. 
ETHAN: The picture 
babies and the stand- 
by babies, Cacopho- 
nous, nightmarish. 
JOEL: We had the baby pit—a big padded 
pit that they were tossed into when we 
weren't using them. The mothers all sat 
around the perimeter knitting. 

ETHAN: Whenever we needed a baby, we 
reached into the pit and grabbed one. It 
was kind of like a barbecue pit. 

JOEL: You can't really direct a baby, which 
is the problem. You take one out of the 
Pit, put it in front of the camera and see 
if it behaves. If not, you toss it back into 
the pit and get another one. It's lot like 
working with animals, actually. 

ETHAN: Yeah. If an animal doesn't do 
what you want it to do, you just grab 
another one. But the rules for working 


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JOEL: There is definitely no comparison. 
PLAYBOY: What can you do with a baby 
that you can't do with an animal? 

ETHAN: A million things. 

JOEL: The pit. We could never do that 
with animals. 

ETHAN: Believe me. 1175 a remarkable 
thing to see how animals are monitored. 
You cannot kill a mosquito on-screen. 
JOEL: When you do a Screen Actors 
Guild movie that uses animals in any way 
you have to get the American Humane 
Society to sign off on it. We blew up a 
cow in O Brother, which meant we had to 
send the Humane Society work tapes 
while the film was being shot. When they 
saw the cow scene they didn't believe it 


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ETHAN: There is a rule that you can't get 
а cow anywhere near a moving car. 
JOEL: It might cause the cow stress. 
ETHAN: You can't upset the animals. 
JOEL: We had to have a lizard crash pad 
for Raising Arizona. 

PLAYBOY: What's a lizard crash pad? 
ETHAN: A lizard shoots off а rock in the 
movie, and we had to have a preap- 
proved soft place for it to land. 

PLAYBOY: Is there a reason you tend to 
put animals in peril? 

JOEL: No. For fun. 

ETHAN: We don't put them in any more 
peril than we put people. 

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of The Hudsucker Proxy, all of your films 
have included a fair amount of violence 
and killing. 

ETHAN: It's called drama. 

PLAYBOY: Do some of your movies’ dark 
scenes—burying someone alive in Blood 
Simple, for example—come from your 
nightmares? 

JOEL: Not really. They are the general 
phobias people experience, I suppose, 
but it’s not personal to us. 

ETHAN: It’s just stuff that creeps people 
out. We like that. 

JOEL: The reason we killed (ће cow in O 
Brother, Where Art Thou? is that we think 
it's funny. 

PLAYBOY: How would you respond to 
someone who is offended? 

JOEL: I recognize that 
some people might 
not think it's funny, 
but really [laughing], 
what's not to like? It's 
В interesting to me that 
people are so upset 
about the cow scene. 
We blew up a rabbit 
in Raising Arizona and 
people were upset 
about that, too. In a 
focus group, people 
were really upset 
about the rabbit. 
Shooting people was 
fine, but they didn't 
like seeing a rabbit 
get hurt. Eating cows 
15 fine, but hitting a 
cow with a car is not. 
ETHAN: It's easy to of- 
fend people. People 
get uncomfortable, 
for instance, when 
the main character in 
a movie is not sympa- 
thetic in a Hollywood 
formula way. Our 
movies are loaded 
with things that aren't 
to everyone's taste. 
On the other hand, 
there's a scene in O 
Brother where a frog 
gets squished that ev- 
eryone seems to like. It's all right to do 
frog squishing. 

JOEL: In our next movie, Brad Pitt plays 
a character who identifies intensely with 
animals, yet he kills many animals over 
the course of the story. Those killings are 
potentially more alienating to an au- 
dience than the scenes in which he kills 
people. 

ETHAN: I don't know exactly why. 
PLAYBOY: You murder James Gandolfini 
in your new movie. Are you fans of The 
Sopranos? 

зовы: Not really. 

ETHAN; We don't watch TV. 1 don't have 
HBO. We knew him from character 
parts he had played in other movies. 
JOEL: Before The Sopranos he played 


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small parts, and we always really liked 
him. 1 hear he's great in The Sopranos, 
though. 

PLAYBOY: Is it a moral or practical deci- 
sion not to watch TV? 

JOEL: | don't know what it is. 

ETHAN: I'm just not interested. 

JOEL: 1 watch the news. 

ETHAN: 1 watch the news, too. But I 
couldn't tell you aboutany of the regular 
shows that are оп now. 

PLAYBOY: How about movies? Do you try 
to keep up with them? 

ETHAN: I go when I get a chance. I see 
hatever is nearby and playing at the 
ight time, which means 1 don’t neces- 
sarily see the movies I'm particularly in- 
terested in seeing. 

JOEL: Our moviegoing habits have 
changed over the past five or six years, 
mostly because we have kids. 

ETHAN: We see a lot of kid movies. 
PLAYBOY: Is that good or bad? 

ETHAN: It’s not good. With some excep- 
tions. Chicken Run was good. It might be 
the last good movie I've seen. 

JOEL: I'm curious about Shrek because my 
kid saw it four times. The kids want to 
see every Disney movie that comes out. 
Some are hard to sit through. 

ETHAN: There were many years when we 
saw a lot of movies—the cold weather of 
the Midwest drives you inside to watch 
movies. Now we don't. 

JOEL: Recently I liked Amores Perros. 1 al- 
so liked Sexy Beast. 

PLAYBOY: Do you generally prefer art and 
foreign movies? 

JOEL: Yeah. If I have a chance, | try to see 
those kinds. 

PLAYBOY: We've discussed violence in 
your movies, but how about sex? British 
film writer Ronald Bergan wrote, “The 
Coens avoid the obligatory sex scenes 
found in most adult films.” Why? 
ETHAN: What about the orgy scene in The 
Big Lebowski? 

JOEL: Yeah, and there's a sex scene in 
Barton Fink, too, although it does end up 
with the woman being decapitated. 
PLAYBOY: What about — 

JOEL: And the scene in Barton Fink where 
John Turturro and John Goodman wres- 
tle? We consider that a sex scene. [Ethan 
laughs heartily). 1 don't know. We're of the 
school of panning away to the waterfall 
or the steaming kettle or the flock of 
geese ћу 

PLAYBOY: Is it that you dislike sex scenes? 
JOEL: It's that there aren't many scenes of 
that sort that are done well. Pedro Almo- 
dóvar does them well, but he's the only 
one. It's not that I don't find that aspect 
of film interesting, but I'm not interested 
in doing it. 

PLAYBOY: The Man Who Wasn't There has 
been described as a return to your be- 
ginnings. Is it? 

ETHAN: I suppose so. 175 definitely more 
hard-boiled than O Brother is. 

JOEL: The movie takes place in Santa 


Rosa in 1949, the same time and setting 
as Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt, which, 
along with Psycho, is probably my favor- 
ite Hitchcock film. 

PLAYBOY: O Brother, Where Art Thou? is said 
to be loosely based on The Wizard of Oz. 
Is that true? 

JOEL: That was definitely an inspiration 
and a big influence on the movie. In fact, 
one of my favorite shots in the film is 
strongly reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz. 
It's a shot of George Clooney, Tim Nel- 
son and John Turturro peering through 
some bushes while looking down on a 
Ku Klux Klan meeting. 

PLAYBOY: The Klan members perform an 
elaborately choreographed dance. What 
inspired that bizarre scene? 

JOEL: The dance combines aspects of the 
witch's castle scene in The Wizard of Oz, a 
number from a Busby Berkeley musical 
and some interesting old films we saw of 
the Klan. They marched in formation 
like that. It really was like a synthesis of 
Busby Berkeley and Nuremberg. 
PLAYBOY: Barton Fink features a character 
named W.P. Mayhew who's played by 
John Mahoney and is loosely based on 
William Faulkner, who you've both ex- 
pressed great admiration for. What's 
your favorite Faulkner book? 

JOEL: Light in August, but don't ask me 
why. The other one 1 like a lot is The Wild 
Palms. We steal many names from Faulk- 
ner, but we haven't attempted to steal a 
whole book, yet [laughing]. O Brother, for 
instance, has a character named Vernon 
Т. Waldrip, and we got that name from 
The Wild Palms. 

PLAYBOY: At what point does an homage 
to a genre become а spoof of a genre? 
JOEL: We've always tried to emulate the 
sources of genre movies rather than the 
movies themselves. For instance, Blood 
Simple grew out of the fact that we start- 
ed reading James М. Cain's novels in 
1979 and liked the hard-boiled style. We 
wanted to write a James M. Cain story 
and put it in a modern context. We've 
never considered our stuff either hom- 
age or spoof. Those are things other peo- 
ple call it, and it's always puzzled me that 
they do. 

PLAYBOY: The Man Who Wasn't There was 
also based on Cain's work. What do you 
like about his stories? 

JOEL: What intrigues us about Cain is 
that the heroes of his stories are nearly 
always schlubs—loser guys involved in 
dreary, banal existences. Cain was inter- 
ested in people's workaday lives, and he 
wrote about guys who worked as insur- 
ance salesmen or in banks, and we took 
that as a cue. Even though there's a 
crime in this story, we were still interest- 
ed in what this guy, who's a barber, does 
as a barber. We wanted to examine ex- 
acily what the day-to-day was like for a 
guy who gives haircut after haircut. 
PLAYBOY: On the set, Billy Bob Thornton 
was giving real haircuts to extras and 
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ETHAN: Are you kidding? 

зой: No way. We had to hire someone to 
fix the haircuts he was giving people. 
PLAYBOY: You've said that you're morc at- 
tracted to film noir as a literary form 
than as a film genre. Are noir books 
better than the movies that are based 
on them? 

JOEL: Most of the movies aren't as good 
as the books, although there are excep- 
tions. John Huston's film noirs like The 
Maltese Falcon and The Asphalt Jungle are 
great, but many film noirs are crummy. 
Everyone loves Out of the Past, for in- 
stance, and Kirk Douglas is good in it, 
but it's a little overcooked. 

PLAYBOY: Critics write about your films 
if they are challenged to crack some sort 
of code in order to grasp your real in- 
tentions. Are they reading in too much? 
JOEL: That's how they've been trained to 
watch movies. Several critics interpreted 
Barton Fink as a parable for the Holo- 
caust. They said the same thing about 
Miller's Crossing. The critic J. Hoberman 
cooked up this elaborate theory about 
the scene where Bernie is taken into the 
woods to be killed. In Barton Fink, 
may have encouraged it—like teasing 
the animals at the zoo. The movie 15 in- 
теппопайу ambiguous in ways they may 
not be used to seeing. 

PLAYBOY: Your critics seem to hold you to 
a higher standard. Do you think about 
them when you're making movies? 
ETHAN: Never. 

PLAYBOY: Are you consciously trying to 
do something different each time out? 
JOEL: Not really. We were out filming this 
scene in Fargo where a car is approach- 
ing in the distance on an empty stretch 
of highway as Steve Buscemi is dragging 
a state trooper's body off the road. As we 
were shooting that scene, Ethan and I 
looked at each other and we both said, 
“It seems like we've been here before.” 
There's an almost identical scene in 
Blood Simple. It's a complete accident. 
ETHAN: We don't generally worry about 
repeating ourselves. Being original and 
always doing the new thing is incredibly 
overrated. 

PLAYBOY: All of your movies are set in the 
past. Are you less interested in the pres- 
ent or future? 

JOEL: The past has а kind of exoticism. 
Setting a story in the past isa way of fur- 
ther ficuonalizing it. It’s not about remi- 
niscence, because our movies are about a 
past that we have never experienced. It's 
more about imagination. Right before 
we made Barton Fink, for instance, we 
read a book called City of Nets by Otto 


5 


Friedrich that was essentially a history of 


Los Angeles and Hollywood in the For- 
ues. It was an intensely evocative book 
and played a role in how we conceived 
the film. 

ETHAN: Books often play a role in our be- 
coming interested in a period or a place 


74 We considered trying to get the rights 


to Mildred Pierce, which wasn't much of 
a movie but was a great James M. Cain 
novel set in Glendale in the Forties. The 
book Mildred Pierce is actually the saga of 
Glendale, but the movie didn't bother 
getting into any of that. 

PLAYBOY: Several of your films incorpo- 
rate elements of screwball comedies. 
What's your favorite of that genre? 
JOEL: The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, al- 
though I'm not sure that it’s technically a 
screwball comedy. 

ETHAN: As for contemporary attempts 
at screwball comedy, / Wanna Hold Your 
Hand was pretty funny, in a screwball 
kind of way. Used Cars, too. 

PLAYBOY: Did you watch them when you 
were kids? 

ETHAN: I like all of Preston Sturges” 
comedies. 

PLAYBOY: What's your earliest memory? 
ETHAN: | remember moving across the 
street. We moved from one house into 
the house across the street. 

JOEL: Our parents liked the neighbor- 
hood. 1 remember climbing on top of 
the stove and setting my pajamas on fire 
when I was three years old. [Laughing] 1 


I hate to say this, 
but the best part of 
Dancer in the Dark 
was when Bjork beat 
David Morse to death 
with a metal box. 


remember the expression on my par- 
ents’ faces. 

PLAYBOY: What was the first film that 
made an impression on you? 

JOEL: 1 remember going to see David Cop- 
perfield when 1 was four and being com- 
pletely freaked out by the scene where 
David's father beats the shit out of him. 
It upset me so much that 1 had to leave. 
Right after that 1 saw All Hands on Deck, 
which was much more my speed. 
ETHAN: 1 have a vivid memory of seeing a 
film called Hatari. There's an elephant 
stampede at the end of it. 

JOEL: From an early age we were into 
what we thought were adult movies— 
things like Splendor in the Grass and A 
Summer Place. 

ETHAN: They don't make that shit any- 
more. Its been usurped by significant, 
disease-of-the-week theme TV movies. 
JOEL: Yes, but when we were kids, films 
like Tea and Sympathy served the purpo: 
Tea and Sympathy was a lot better than a 
TV movie about somebody who gets spi- 
na bifida. 

PLAYBOY: Were you movie fanatics in 
those years? 

ETHAN: [here are movie nuts who are 


filmmakers—Scorsese and Ттићаш, for 
stance. Not us. We're not collectors of 
film and we're not as knowledgeable 
about movies as many of those guys. 
We're fond of stories; movies are a way 
of telling stories. We found out that we 
had some facility for writing them and 
we got an opportunity to actually make 
one. It's not as if we have some mystical 
attachment to film. 
PLAYBOY: You've described your child- 
hood as bland. Is that an accurate 
characterization? 
JOEL: I've described it as bland to people 
who were digging for some explanation 
of why we do what we do. 1 remember 
the blandness fondly. At the same time, 
I was quite eager to leave when 1 
in my teens. As soon as 1 saw New York 
City, I wanted to be there 
PLAYBOY: How important was religion in 
your childhood? 
ETHAN: Judaism was a central part of the 
house we grew up in. We had a religious 
upbringing. 1 went to Hebrew school ev- 
ery Saturday and had a bar mitzvah, but 
that just meant I got presents. I never 
took it seriously. Some part of it probably 
seeps in, but I think that’s more of an 
ethnic than a religious thing. 
JOEL: Yes, l imagine some of itinfluenced 
my point of view to a degree. But neither 
Ethan nor 1 have maintained a great 
deal of interest in the traditions. 
PLAYBOY: Will your sons be bar mitz- 
vahed? 
JOEL: My wile is the daughter of a Disci- 
ples of Christ minister, and her sister is a 
minister in that church. Our son [who's 
adopted] was born in Paraguay to a Cath- 
ойс family, so it's complicated. Fran's 
more into summer solstice. I guess you 
could say our son's being brought up as 
a pagan. 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe in God? 
JOEL: Not in the Jewish sense. I don't be- 
lieve in the angry God, Yahweh. 
PLAYBOY: What do vou think happens af- 
ter death? 
JOEL: You rot and decompose 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe in the law of 
karma—that we reap what we sow? Or 
do some people get away with murder? 
JOEL: Some people do get away with 
murder. 
PLAYBOY: Do you believe in capital 
punishment? 
JOEL: No. 
ETHAN: No. 
PLAYBOY: How did having your children 
change you? 
JOEL: | certainly see fewer movies. 
PLAYBOY: Has it changed your filmmak 
ing ar all? 
JOEL: Mmm. No. 
PLAYBOY: Does filmmaking ever become 
tediou 
JOEL: Parts of the business are tedious 
We had no idea how much promotion 
you have to do. It wasn't until we were 
(continued on page 168) 


PLAY THE 
HORSES 


VIRTUALLY 


ANYWHERE 


D... — 


THE MOST 


DYNAMIC 
MASS MOVEMENT 
IN DECADES HAS 
NO NAME AND 

НО LEADER. 
IT WANTS 


You! 


BY GINA WELCH ' 

LE z ч They’ve made headlines in 

ғ Seattle, Quebec, Genoa and Washington. 
Tree-huggers march alongside steelworkers, making common 
cause with students; Sixties protestyetérans, anarchists, church 
: congregations and азвопе others to protest thesecret 
government” that really rules*the globe. 


ost of the protesters who flock.to world economic summits are white, but 

they are hardly homogeneous. Different causes boil their blood and bring 

them out on the streets, but they all agree on one point. Their common foe 
is plainly visible in the form of a few hundred multinational corporations that have 
made globalization an excuse for a 21st century-style corporate colonialism, in 
which the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, faster and faster. 

As protesters see it, the global “secret government,” just like any government, 
has an institutional apparatus. In this case the apparatus consists of the World 
Bank, the International Monetary Fund and the World Trade Organization. Their 
meetings and those relating to the North American Free Trade Agreement and its 
expanded counterpart, the Free Trade Area of the Americas, have provoked the 
mass protests of the recent past. (continued on page 168) 


The EARTH 
hos had it wil 
petitions. 
urbon sprawl ant 
threat and donger- Since the first acti 
destruction claimed by ELE, ro 


jonization. Н 
lois, which dedare th 
ond extensive р! 


€ 


of property 
dare them ol 


id illustrated inst 
кес them. “After constr 
Ласе in their heorts for ELfers, 


the website contains, 
diagrams of different 


ifti "the à N 
= s шах about what ELF's toctics accomplish. 


th signs, puppets and 


«king up 540 millio 


wever, have а webs 
ete tidal actions of 


robing by the feds ha: 


deforestation, 
be sources of 
two dozen acts 
по list of 


jte. The North American kart 

ELE I also maintains E 
пешей no incriminating intorm 

Iructions. 2413 to set fires with e ra 
i rst ti Il feel the ріс 

vH e log Neh hey haven't hurt anyone. But 


JAMES WOLFENSDHN 
PRESIDENT WORLD BANK 


MANAGING DIRECTOR, МЕ — 
At the end of the 20th се: 
tions celebrated 


„ when the 
their 50th anniversaries, 


poa financial institu- 
ere were 475 billionaires 


3m the world, Their wealth was greater than the total income of the 


Poorest halfof humanity, who 


number approximately 3 BILLION, 


Between 1960 and the Nineties the gav i 
E 2 ver capita income tr 
between residents of develoving countries and а of 


-industrial countries, 
Developing countries owe more than tolenders increased to more than 50 percent and the minimum wage has d | 
in industrial countries, including the governments of those decreased 20 percent. ` 


countries, banks, the World Bank and the IMF. The developing 
world has paid out five times as much capital to the indus- 
trialized world as it has received. Meanwhile, big interest 
payments, like the charges on credit cards, help keep poor 
countries poor. Typical cases include Uganda, whase govern- 
ment in 1996 (long after Idi Amin, who loved loans, was chased. 
r out) still ран 517 оп debt repayment for every 63 spent on 
1 health care. In 1996, 25 percent of Mczambique's children 
died of infectious diseases, while the country spent twice'as 


much on debt payments as it did on'health and education. = 
In 1995, the IMP: “helped” Mexico ЕН Не рево bailout. | 
ip as in the battle against AIDS. 777777 

я d 


) от 
77% 


‘Children in one city a M schoel 


Part of the problem are the structural adjustment pro- 
grams, which the IMF and World Bank сай “economic ro- | 
forms” and which protesters call an especially destructive 
aspect of the loan-sharking scenario. In many African соці 
tries the “reforms” include 
a family can send a child 
to the IMF and World Bank, 


schoo! 
But when they became law іп а 


Percent of the women and 40 ant of 
Jp clinic that tests for and treats. 


MINGLE WITH THE 
DEMONSTRATORS HT ñ 
PROTEST MOVEMENT 
CATHERING BND YOU 
MEET R VARIETY OF 
PEDPLE WITH STRONG 
VIEWS ON POLITIES, THE 
MEDIR -- AND VITILENEE 


JUSTIN RUBEN 


28, is a community and la- 
bor organizer and a student 
at the Yale School of For- 
estry and Environmental 
Studies. 

"I think, to an alarm- 
ing degree, it's still an 
insular movement. It's 
still people talking to 
people who look and 
think like them. 

“The way the move- 
ment will spread is by 
developing leaders. 
Not Cesar Chavez— 
type leaders, but you-and-me-type 
leaders, people who can help moti- 
vate the people in their neighbor- 
hood or at their workplace to come 
together to take action on this stuff. 
“If you think back to the civil 
rights movement, the success of 
a lot of its actions was a function 
of the discipline that people 
brought to those actions. They 
remained dignified in the face of 
police dogs and fire hoses, and they 
were able to create actions that com- 
pletely communicated everything 
they stood for and against. That takes 
some discipline. In some ways it’s 
a much more powerful image than 
someone chucking a Molotov cock- 
tail. We have to figure out a way to 
.1” 


pets and 
other 
kinds of 
props add 
an element of grace 
to what we're doing. It's that con- 
trast between lines of riot cops dressed 
like Darth Vader and people holding 
puppets. Which side do you want to 
be on? 

“The Boston ‘Tea Party was a great 
example of well-warranted property 
destruction. What was the greater 
evil? It was the subjugation of the colo- 
nies. It wasn't the destruction of some 
tea. I'm nor that worried about Mc- 
Donald's windows. I don't think prop- 
erty destruction is getting us anywhere 
right now. It makes it easier for us to be 
portrayed in a way that people can't 
possibly identify with. That said, 1 
don't believe in enforcing discipline on 
the group. 

“We need to make sure 
that, as things get 
worse, those who 
are feeling the 

brunt of the sys- 

tem are in this 
movement, are 
working with us 
and not flocking to 
Pat Buchanan and 
Jörg Haider.” 


FEUER MITIN 31, lives in 


Denver and works for Jobs With Jus- 
tice, an organization dedicated to the 
promotion of workers' rights. 

“You can't have а free mar- 


ket po free 


-B0S Е? Мо 


= 


one of | 
celebrities who hove demonstrate 


against global economic apartheid. 


people. The freer the market and the 
more oppressed the people, the more 
the market corrupts itself. If the peo- 
ple in this country would only unplug 
from the matrix, they'd see that being 
able to buy what you want to buy isn’t 
freedom. Buying everything you want 1 Ҹ 
just oppresses other people in the 
world. Like buying Nike shoes for 150 
bucks when they're being made by 
someone who's paid 29 cents a day. If 
we could get people in this country to 
stop assuming that buying things is 
freedom, 1 would consider it a victory.” 


RIM EDINGER 28,from 


Pittsburgh, worked on 
Capitol Hill while 
he attended Ameri- 
can University. He 
runs his own public 
relations firm in 
Washington and has 
helped devise some 
of the most dra- 
matic political the- 
ater seen in the 
(continued on 


fingo 
red two 
his hend. 


window п 
fell to the ground, 


ou are the seeds 
are the carrier 0! he ог direct 
action. YOU have the audacity, fe: 
intransigence to end 30 years of apathy: 
3 blow it. Don’t r€ eat the. 
hi : 
у and civility as the 


so, ease, © 
de at the © ose O 
а) ethic of reason, tolerance, diversit 
ting rights. listen to ordinary Americans. Be clear 


or pander to us. Мот ДЕ 
re Tight, and disagree when we ere Wrong- 1 hope you 
ad to Selma. and the path to 


corporate power rte) 
er, all over the world. You 


our ambition your ut 
ess interna 


of à spiritu; 
the cause of Facíal justice, 


You need to und: 


King was the centra] figure of 
0 Comes alo, 


't expect 
who 


We had a Pure, cont; 
ШЕ of the ghetto riot; 
ericanism. At 
against the mid 
Polls showed 


descended int 


War and a Misread- 
ibilism and an invincibly Stupid anti- 
against the Vietnam War, the New Left turned 
0 а fever of madness, 
the demonst; 


ators, after the chaos at the 1968 
While, the Weathermen and other dying embers of 


“We thank thee for this wondrous bounty, Lord—oh, and 
thanks for all the food.” 


it was a year for naughty on-screen nooky-if you knew where to look 


NSKI The phoniest moment in the movies this year can 
з you're thinking it occurred during the attack, when the б 
the airfield. Sorry. How about after the attack, when the v 
with backbone by resolutely lifting himself, rather like Pet 
ime before the attack, when aken a romantic 
invites the square-jawed flybo: 


la 
her landing strip. Despite the fact фар old Ben 
the doughier-faced pum in the RAF stave off th. 


! Yes, a movie in which umpteen millions were 
prevailing sexual ethos of the era, which is 
sponse is: Straighten up and fly right. Bombs а 


4. THE CENTER OF THE WORLD 
features Alisha Klass (the porn queen 
who claimed that Bruce Willis liked to 
lick caviar off her naked body) having 
carnal knowledge of a Tootsie Pop, 
plus ТА. Molly Parker and Peter Sars- 
gaard lusting in Las Vegas. 2. THE 
GOLDEN BOWL's Uma Thurman 
floors her ex-lover Jeremy Northam, 
who is also her stepson-in-law. 3. 
BLOW casts Johnny Depp as real-life 
drug dealer George Jung and Penélope 
Cruz as his wife. 4. BRIDGET JONES’ 
DIARY finds Hugh Grant, oddly 
aroused by Renée Zellweger's roomy 
panties, crying “Hello, Mummy!” 


| 


PLAYBOY 


90 


Ben boy! Later, Ben sulks because Kate 
thinks he's dead and lets his best bud- 
dy taxi his Thunderbird into her han- 
gar. Thankfully, the Japanese launched 
their sneak attack; otherwise Ben 
might have spent his entire tour of du- 
ty drinking mai tais and feeling sorry 
for himself. 

The most honest moment? Perhaps 
it was in Scary Movie 2, when Marlon 
Wayans, playing the pothead Shorty, 
faces a she-demon with a monstrous 
face and a killer bod. Like a priest who 
moonlights for Roto-Rooter, Shorty 
puts a bag over her face and tries to ex- 
orcise her demon with his snake. Or 
maybe it was in The Animal, when Rob 
Schneider makes a pass at a goat. Or 
perhaps it was the humanity that oozed 
from every pixel in Final Fantasy. 

Good choices all. However, the hon- 
or goes to Molly Parker's smart, зи Це, 
unflinching performance in Wayne 
Wang's intelligent, erotic and sadly un- 
derseen The Center of the World. Parker 
plays Florence, an exotic dancer who 
agrees to spend a weekend in Las Ve- 
gas with Richard, a juvenile tech multi- 
millionaire played well by Peter Sars- 
gaard. Their agreement is that they 
will limit their intimacy to the lap- 
dance-length relationship they've es- 
tablished at the club where she works. 
At first they stick to the script, but oth- 
er feelings and factors start to intrude. 
The movie is about the triangulation of 
sex, power and money; he advances 
the proposition that the computer is 
the center of the world and she con- 
tends that и 15, in her words, the cunt. 
Even as she denies an emotional con- 
nection to the man who has just had 
sex with her, Parker offers us a brave 
and intelligent performance. The best 
characters in any movie are usually 
those who are self-aware; Parker lets 
us see Florence watching herself at a 
ance, calculating at every moment 
what to give and what to withhold. 

The Center of the World may be the 
year's smartest movie about sex, but 
others took interesting passes at the 
subject. Also exploring the relationship 
between sex and love and money was 
Baz Luhrman's Moulin Rouge. Infus- 
ing the film with spirit and glow are 
its broad theatricality, the campy per- 
formances of modern-era pop songs 
transplanted to turn-of-the-century 
Paris and the unabashed performances 
of Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGreg- 
or, neither of whom have reputations 
as singers. It isn't criticism to say there 
were better choices for the part of 
Satine than Kidman, who seemed too 
robust to be dying from consumption 
and who, though beautiful, doesn't 
project the right balance between chal- 
lenge and invitation. But give Kidman 


credit: After Eyes Wide Shut and The 
Blue Room on Broadway, she is the best 
actress we have who isn't afraid to ex- 
plore sexuality. It's probably just a mat- 
ter of time before she’s matched by 
Angelina Jolie, who this year appeared 
as the chaste, bodacious Lara Croft in 
Tomb Raider, with her breasts protrud- 
ing like the propeller mounts on a P-51 
Mustang. and who then heated up the- 
aters opposite Antonio Banderas in 
Original Sin. Jolie brings a pouty, slouch- 
ing, insolent sexiness to every part she 
takes. One longs to see her Lady Mac- 
beth, her Cleopatra, her Mother Tere- 
sa. Other actresses who caused blood 
pressures to rise this year include Pe- 
nélope Cruz in Blow, Renée Zellweg- 
er and Reese Weatherspoon (looking 
good in rabbit costumes in Bridget 
Jones’ Diary and Legally Blonde, respec- 
tively), Jennifer Love Hewitt (showing 
impossible amounts of thigh in Heart- 
breakers), Estella Warren (the best-look- 
ing babe in Planet of the Apes) and Halle 
Berry (who, if she indeed received a 
$500,000 bonus for her brief topless 
appearance in Swordfish, obviously had 
a shrewd estimation of the worth of her 
breasts). 

If Moulin Rouge is a sexy film that 
doesn’t have much sex in it, Bully is a 
film full of sex that isn’t sexy at all. This 
movie was directed by Larry Clark— 
who several years ago caused a sensa- 
tion with his first film, Kids—and is 
based on a true story about a young 
man in Florida who is verbally, physi- 
cally and psychologically abusive to the 
kids around him. Those children lack 
the strength and integrity to shun him, 
so they kill him instead. Bully is a dis- 
tressing film; these kids have no ambi- 
tion, no direction and no moral center. 
They move from amusement to amuse- 
ment; Clark shows them having sex a 
lot, but the acts are performed without 
joy or tenderness or even much lust, 
pastimes about as involving as video 
games. The cast, which includes Ra- 
chel Miner, Brad Renfro, Nick Stahl 
and Bijou Phillips, deserves tremen- 
dous credit not merely for their per- 
formances but for their bravery. When 
we take off our clothes, we want to be 
liked; when these characters take off 
their clothes, we are sad and embar- 
rassed for them. 

Bully is one of several serious films 
this year in which the appearance of 
sex is a sign that things have gone very 
wrong (as opposed to the many com- 
edies—One Night at McCool's, where 
Michael Douglas pithily observes how 
“all that good nooky turns into a big 
pile of agita,” and even Down to Earth, 
where Chris Rock eyes a pretty girl and 
gets hit by a bus—in which sex wreaks 
havoc in the lives of men). In Dr. 7 and 


the Women, when Farrah Fawcett strips 
in a fountain, it's evidence of a crack- 
up. In Requiem for a Dream, Jennifer 
Connelly's addiction drives her to pros- 
titution. Her humiliation in perform- 
ing in a sex show with another girl be- 
fore a roomful of business types who 
stuff money into the women's mouths 
is presented in a brilliant, excruciating 
montage that shows equivalent fates— 
imprisonment, amputation and shock 
therapy—suffered by three other char- 
acters who are addicts. 

There is also a harrowing depiction 
of a rape in the French film Baise-Moi, 
directed by Virginie Despentes and 
Coralie Trinh Thi from Despentes’ 
novel. Apart from that scene, however, 
the sex in Baise-Moi—which can be 
translated both as Fuck Me and Rape 
Me—is used to a different end. The 
movie is best described as a dark Thel- 
ma and Louise: A rape victim and a pros- 
titute, each of whom has impulsively 
killed someone, go on the run together. 
"Their escape becomes a series of rob- 
beries that end in murder and sexual 
encounters that (usually) end in the 
same manner. All the sex is explicit. 
The stars are two blue-movie actresses, 
Raffaéla Anderson and Karen Bach (as 
was co-director Trinh Thi), who here 
get to present more complete perfor- 
mances than they are usually called on 
to deliver (and, to be sure, more com- 
plete performances than Meryl Streep 
and Julia Roberts usually deliver). The 
film has an intriguing style. The vio- 
lence and the sex and the women's 
thrill seeking and depraved indiffer- 
ence are supposed to shock, but it’s all 
a little too stylized to provoke that reac 
tion (unlike the understyled, documen- 
tary-like Bully, where the sex and vio- 
lence is shocking). The movie suggests 
the energetic, fashionably noirish low- 
budget American International Pic- 
tures of the Sixties, when Peter Fonda 
or Dennis Hopper or Jack Nicholson 
or Warren Oates would go on the run, 
shooting people and muttering nihilis- 
tic aphorisms while affecting a rebel- 
lious style. Those movies would invari- 
ably treat audiences to brief glimpses of 
breasts and buttocks, and those flashes 
of flesh would seem barrier breaking 
and exciting. The sex in Batse-Moi is a 
raction. The sex scenes constitute a 
movie within a movie, and the experi- 
ence of seeing the film becomes how 
you feel about seeing explicit sex in a 
movie, and not about the movie itself 
You don't need to see а penis go into a 
vagina to know that a prostitute is in- 
ferent to the man fucking her, espe- 
cially if most of the audience is focused 
on the penis and the vagina and barely 
registers the indifference. 


(concluded on page 164) 


“The law says he's entitled to whatever he wants for his last meal.” 


91 


the 


Lettermean 


FICTION BY ALICIA ERIAN 


Y FATHER throws his Mini into fourth, 

simultaneously knocking the gear- 

shift against my left knee. “Sorry,” I 

say, even though he hit me, then I 

curse myself for falling into the old 
ways. At least I don’t move my leg, which would 
be impossible to do anyway in this stupid bumper 
car. “Everything's tiny in Europe,” my roommate 
warned me before I left, “even the pussy.” Maynard 
is crass, but I like him. He's real Texas. When his 
dad comes to visit, they put on big hats and go out 
two-stepping at the Broken Spoke. 1 can't imagine 
going to a place like that with my own father and 
asking women to dance. I'd feel obliged to warn 
anyone who said yes to him. 

We drive away from the airport. It's a damp Jan- 
uary night and I try to make sense of the earth- 
ly constellations that are street 
lamps, neon, brightly lit win- 
dows. Planes occasionally de- 
scend across the highway in 
front of us, flaunting their im- j 
mense right of way. “Is this Am- amsterdam is all 
sterdam?” I ask. 

My father shakes his head 
and says, “No. A suburb.” 

I nod, recognizing the town's 
name from my guidebook. In 
Utrecht, the red-light district is J 
on acanal, in boats. There’s one hooker—until he 
in The Hague, too, in a mall, of 
all places. The one I'm inter- 
ested in is at the center of Am- meets dad's mistress 
sterdam, the Walletjes. It means 
“little walls,” and when I told 
Maynard this, he said, “See my point?” Гуе been 
helping him out at his garage lately—sweeping up, 
pumping gas—trying to save up for a hooker. I'm 
hoping to find something transcendent in paid le- 
gal sex. I want the money to make us even-steven, 
me and this woman, whoever she turns out to be. 
No one will feel hurt or degraded, or guilty over 
having degraded someone else. 1111 be as if I'd 
gone to the store for a carton of eggs. 

My father approaches an intersection and down- 
shifts. He's too big for this car. His gut grazes the 
steering wheel while his legs squeeze in tightly 
along either side of it. The light turns green and he 
accelerates again. Old lead foot, 1 think, as he races 
the engine unnecessarily. It’s one of my mother's 
sayings. She and my father share a flair for acidity. 
They got divorced when (continued on page 140) 


a visit to dad in 


about buying a 


ILLUSTRATION ВУ PAT ANDREA 


How to Date 
a Girl 
Smarter 
Than You 


by will lee 


ou are the Great 21st Century Man, reared in the 

information age, butch with the knowledge that all 
those axons, dendrites and neurons do their jobs with stur- 
ду, vitamin-packed reliability. 

You know who Tiger Woods is, and you know he makes 
more money than you do by playing golf. You know what the 
35 signifies on a bottle of Rolling Rock, and howto open that 
bottle with a cigarette lighter. You know to split eights and 
double down оп 11, when to lift on the throttle through a 
hairpin, where to go for a swell time when уоште in Mon- 
treal and why double-vented suit jackets fit you better than 
single-vented ones. You know pi to three decimal places (or 
at least that it’s somewhere around five), and that it was 
Barzini all along. You are the Great 21st Century Man, hear 
your knowledge roar. 

You know what? Forget it all: WOMEN ARE SMARTER 
THAN YOU ARE. You're becoming an intellectual artifact, 
more Cro-Mag than sapiens, comprehensively outmatched, 
outpaced and outwitted by the fairer sex. The distaff team 
isn’t just gaining on you; they're past you, looking at you 
disdainfully in the rearview mirror. 

Here’s the reality: Fifty-seven percent of straight-A stu- 
dents are girls. Fifty-seven percent of high school dropouts 
are boys. Last year, for the first time, more women than 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAt 


35 


PLAYBOY 


96 


men applied to law school. As recently 
as 1970, more than 90 percent of law 
school students were male. The per- 
centage of female МВА candidates at 
Harvard Business School has more 
than doubled in less than 20 years, and 
now it's at 30 percent and growing. 

Across the land, colleges scramble to 
get men into the ivory tower. Women 
outnumbered men in Berkeley's 2000 
freshman class. Two years ago, at Dick- 
inson College, a well-regarded liberal- 
arts school in Pennsylvania, only 37 
percent of the freshman class was male. 
Robert Massa, vice president for en- 
rollment at Di son, is trying to close 
the gender gap. though he admits that 
some people "might say it's prepos- 
terous for me to say white males add 
diversity." As USA Today recently ob- 
served, some schools (such as Fisk Uni- 
versity in Nashville and Merrimack 
College in North Andover, Massachu- 
setts) recruit male applicants to com- 
pensate for student populations that- 
as in Fisk's case—run more than 70 
percent female. 

And men are flailing in areas other 
than academics. In a Rutgers Marriage 
Project study of sex and relationships 
among noncollege men and women 
under 30 conducted in 1999, women 
were found to be more confident and 
responsible, with, as the study put it, 
“clear and generally realistic plans for 
moving up the career ladder.” Men, on 
the other hand, seemed less focused: 
When they talked about getting ahead, 
their goals included such lofty amb: 
tions as winning the lottery. 

There's a fair probability your girl- 
friend—that lithe, ponytailed blonde 
with the long neck and perfect up- 
per lip who has a master’s in linguistic 
anthropology from Brown and a J.D. 
from Columbia, started her own hedge 
fund and was gathering specimens in 
the park for her monograph on South 
American polyommatine lycaenids when 
you, trying vainly to walk while un- 
Screwing the cap from a Powerade, 
swung your elbow into her face—is also 
smarter than you are. It's not idly or 
flippantly that she says she loves you 
for your “reassuring impassivity" (and 
your meaty thighs). 

If too many repeats of The Man Show 
and that constant flow of Old Milwau- 
kee have addled your brain, let Paul 
‘Theroux, the novelist and travel writer, 
summarize it for you: “I have always 
ed being a man,” he writes in an 
alled “Being a Man." “The whole 
idea of manhood in America is pitiful, 
in my opinion.” And not just pitiful, 
according to Theroux, but “unfeel- 
ing,” "primitive," У ” “hideous” 
and, naturally, 

Your only hope, then, is more knowl- 
edge. Herewith, we present a guide to 


the smart girls, and what you need to 
know to keep them happy. 


SMART GIRL PHYLA 


Obviously, smart girls come in all 
shapes and sizes. Not all of them fall 
under the following four cla 
tions. But the taxonomy goes roughly 
like this: 


MISS GOLDMAN-SKADDEN-SCALIA 


works as: Investment banker, corpo- 
rate law partner, Supreme Court clerk, 
TV business reporter. LOOKING FOR A 
cuy wno: Will either provide necessary 
leverage to get further ahead or, occa- 
sionally, a slacker type who gives her 
р cred. WILL ONE Day: Be managing 
partner of the firm, owner of several 
small islands. PERSONALITY PROFILE: A 
frightening but often alluring mix of 
native intelligence, drive, power and 
ambition. Can be extremely tempera- 
mental, BETWEEN THE SHEETS: “I went 
out with one girl—a mutual fund man- 
ager—who was so intense and was al- 
ways the best in everything,” says Adam, 
28, also an investment banker. “So when 
she gave me head, which was often, she 
absolutely had to make me come, even 
if I had other things in mind. Which 
led to a lot of soreness, frankly.” 


MISS MENSA 


works as: Doctor, engineer, profes- 
sor, think-tank researcher. LOOKING FOR 
AGUY WHO: Spends as much time as she 
does in the lab, hospital or reading 
room and doesn't care that she doesn't 
have time to spend an hour every 
morning putting herself together. WILL 
ONE pay: Accept a Nobel Prize from the 
king of Sweden. PERSONALITY PROFILE: 
Тһе least communicative of the bunch, 
and weighted toward ful shyness 
brought about when teased by cla 
mates after she won the Physics Olym- 
piad championship as a teenager. BE- 
TWEEN THE SHEETS: The sleeper, so to 
speak, of the smart girls. Pure intellec- 
tual prowess and generally reserved 
manner may mask intense need for ex- 
citement and action—ie., dirty, unre- 
strained sex—outside work or school. 
“When my girlfriend first told me that 
she had been a math and accounting 
major in college,” remembers Todd, 
24, “and was working as an actuary, 1 
thought, Wow, she sounds astounding- 
ly dull. But she's as close to а nympho- 
maniac as I think a woman can come 
without being self-destructive. 


SEMIOTICS ON FIRE 


works as: Novelist, playwright, activ- 
ist, editor of left-wing political journal, 
grad-student stripper. LOOKING FOR A 
cuy wHo: Can sit across from her at a 
coffee bar (perhaps somewhere more 
socially conscious than Starbucks) and 


talk for 18 hours straight without flag- 
ging about the function of ekphrasis in 
the description of cities as portrayed in 
the Iliad and Hesiod's Shield of Heracles. 
WILL ONE Day: Live in a small New Eng- 
land town writing a treatise. PERSONALI- 
ГУ PROFILE: Often wide-eyed, gregari 
ous and emotionally unlocked. Will 
often explain why the switch her par- 
ents made from cotton to disposable di- 
apers has altered her thinking about 
poststructuralism. BETWEEN THE SHEETS: 
Open, experimental, wild. “We'd been 
dating for all of six days,” says Russell, 
29, of his writer-grad student fiancée, 
shen completely naked, spread-eagled 
pictures of her—like 70 of them—sud- 
denly went up in my college art gallery.” 


MISS GUM-SNAPPING PHILOSO 


ER 


works As: Supermarket checkout 
girl, Denny’s waitress, nurse's assistant. 
LOOKING FOR A GLY WHO: Won't sneer 
and pat her behind as she walks by, and 
who loves spending Friday nights chill- 
ing out with a little Velvet Under- 
ground, smoking butts and rapping 
about Borges. Actually, is a little em- 
bittered toward men in general, since 
the guy she married at the age of 17 
ditched her and her two-year-old last 
Christmas Eve. WILL ONE pay ве: Doing 
exactly what she's doing now. PERSON 
ALITY PROFILE: Sullen, even churlish, 
she's the proverbial smart-girl iceberg 
It's all under the surface. BETWEEN THE 
SHEETS: A toss-up: could be something 
of a jewel or could be tired of men and 
sex and all that. 


WAYS TO FUMIGATE YOUR APARTMENT OF 
THAT PREVAILING DUMB-GUY STENCH 


(1) Ditch the PlayStation, at least for 
one night. No matter how good you 
are at Final Fantasy VI, you do not want 
to conjure the image of you in your 
briefs at two in the morning, control 
pad dangling between your legs, as you 
lap away mindlessly with a droopy jaw. 

(2) Bury your dog-eared copies of 
Car and Driver, the Victoria's Secret ca 
alog and Circumaural Stereo Headphone 
Monthly. Stack your Pt лувоу and leave 
the top one open to the interview 
(When she finds it, let her walk you 
through the pictorials and The Playboy 
Advisor—you will be well rewarded.) 
Throw out Maxim. Get the latest issues 
of Granta, Harvard Business Review, Lin- 
gua Franca and Scientific American, and 
preemptively bend the spin 

(3) Rethink the refrigerator: Shove 
those cans of Schlitz to the back, get rid 
of the eight moldy jars of salsa, and 
lind a bottle of Riesling (maybe a 1998 
Trimbach) and some interesting veg- 
etables—like white asparagus and hari- 
cots verts—to brighten the landscape. 
And another thing: Lose the Cindy 

(continued on page 165) 


Thanksgiving Day 


miss november dares to be different 
and her bet comes up a winner 


ез f INDSEY VUOLO confesses she's in PLAYBOY be- 
cause her friend Kristy kept encouraging her to sub- 
mit pictures. “She said, ‘I bet you any amount of 
money they'll call уси,” says Lindsey. “I finally told 
her to take the pictures, send everything in and put 
her name as the contact because 1 didn't want to deal 
with the disappointment, since I had only modeled 
for a local swimsuit calendar before. One month after 
Kristy sent in the photos, she called me and started 
screaming. She has a really good eye for this. I think 
she's living vicariously through me” 

Miss November grew up outside of Philadelphia. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


14 


She's now a college student majo 
in communications, with a bu: 
ness minor. Lindsey recently joined 
a sorority, a change of pace from her 
teenage years of hanging out with 
the guys. “When 1 first pledge 
thought Га made the worst mistake 
But now I have 60 awesome new girl- 
friends,” she says. When her nose 
isn't buried in textbooks, 20-year- 
old Lindsey pours drinks to help 
pay for school. When we questioned 
how an underage student gets to 
sling shots at a college bar, 
giggled. “You only have t 
serve alcohol in my state 
sures us. “The people at the bar are 
like my family. One time I put on 
my bathing suit and had to dance in 
a cage for four hours, which felt 
more like four years. There are girls 
dancing around poles or up on the 
bar. People act crazy every night.” 
Lindsey's Italian father convert- 
ed to Judaism to marry her Russian 
mother. “I traveled to Israel as part 
of an exchange program and it was 
an amazing trip,” she says. “Be- 
ing in Jerusalem was so emotional 
for me—1 broke down and cried.” 
ndsey is grounded and straight- 
forward about her life goals. “I just 
want to be married and have chil 
dren,” she says. “I'm really focused, 
and I don't want to get too caught 
up in the fun and excitement of 
what's going on now. I'm a big be- 
liever in fate, and I think everything 
happens for a reason.” 


"When someone smells nice, it's some- 
thing you always remember,” soys Lind- 
sey. “My boyfriend once used an Ar- 
moni scent, but he goofed and bought 
the one for women. He wos a little embor- 
rassed, but it smelled so good on him.” 


PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH IN THE PLAYBOYETBER CLUB. 


GOTO CYBER РІЛҮВОҮСОМ. 


4 
5 
4 
H 
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š 
| 


Lindsey goes to college in the small town where her grandmother grew up. “They were taking pictures of me by an old covered bridge 
when I saw my grandmother's 85-year-old friend Ruth,” she says. "She asked, ‘What are you out here for?” | told her it was for а mag- 
ozine ond she sow | had on a law-cut pink shirt. Her eyes got really huge and she said, ‘Oh, those are пісе.” 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


vor: kinder, E Vooo =~ 


sus ÒH оо. wars; 2-64 mr: 55 _ 

sm: — D O wor ZO " 

BIRTH рате: LO AAA LESA srm: Prisceton , N 

amartions: 12 get с. degree in Commenica Bons, 405 _ 
live Soccessfolly ana sko a хо. Y 


Turn-ons; Back VOOS, Sense of humor, intelligence, 


TURNOFFS : DEAE - гу ve 
liars сасуу Chore ter. 

YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN LOVE WHEN: Happiness Quer хауле (еу 

Noor Bach cond Чех >се aliens excited to 


—2%plore tho not Acres GS yo nonet. 
MY BEST THANKSGIVING: Comming, homo. Era Col lege My- 


fenan yrr de Spec) Me uin my 
.Oewmieod cuna Fus Ranty Ve © 
FAVORITE COLOR: Росо. 

DOGS OR CATS: Dos. Ca сые мо RW Y. 


\ 
My Bed Mitzuan- 
age (3. 


Sweet and 


Queen - m Tnnacenk (ree mee) 


Near 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


A bum asked a man for $5. "Will you buy 
booze with the money?” the man asked. 

The bum said, “No.” 

“Will you gamble it away?” the man asked. 

The bum replied, “No.” 

“Will you bet on football games?” the man 
asked. 

The bum answered, “I don't watch football." 

The man said, "I'll give you the $5 if you 
come home with me so that my wife can see 
what happens to a man who doesn't drink, 
gamble or watch football.” 


The last four presidents were caught in a tor- 
nado and carried away to Oz. Taken before the 
rd, they were told they could each have 
arter spoke first. “I need 


“No proble said the Wizard. 

Ronald Reagan said, “1 think that 1 need a 
brain.” 
“Done,” said the Wizard. 
said, “I'm told I need a heart.” 
id the Wizard. “Con- 


sider it done.” 

Bill Clinton was next, but he said nothing. 
“Well,” said the Wizard with some impatience. 
“Speak up, what do you want?” 

Clinton hesitated a moment and then he 
said, "Where's Dorothy?” 


Тин MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: А 
doctor slept with one of his patients. The guilt 
became overwhelming. Then a soothing voice 
inside his head said, “Don't worry about it. 
Many doctors sleep with their patients. 

But another voi id, “Yes, but they're not 
veterinarians.” 


Returning to the office after his vacation, 
a young man asked his boss for another two 
weeks off so he could get married. “You just 
had two weeks off,” the boss said. "Why didn't 
you get married thei 

licd, "Are you crazy? And ruin my 


vacation? 


Whats the difference between a good stew- 
ardess and a great stewardess? 


A good stewardess says, "Good morning, 


stewardess says, “It's morning, 


Е okt ot rir month: A wealthy couple went to 
a party, but the wife became bored and re- 
turned home early. She found their butler re- 
laxing on the couch, drink in hand, watching, 
ТУ. She sat down next to him and said, “Take 
off my dress, bra, shoes and panties.” 

He quickly did as she asked. Then she said, 
“If 1 ever catch you wearing my clothes again, 
you're fired.” 


The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding 
their horses all day. When they stopped to rest, 
Tonto placed his ear to the ground and lis" 
tened. “Buffalo come,” Tonto said. 

“How do you know that?” the Lone Ranger 
asked. 

‘Tonto replied, “Ear sticky.” 


Two men appeared before a judge on drug 
charges. The judge said, “If, over the weck- 
end, you persuade enough people to give up 
drugs forever, I'll let you off” 

On Monday, they returned to court. The 
first man said, “I persuaded 10 people to give 
up drugs forever. 

“That's great,” the judge said. “What did 
you tell them?” 

“1 drew two circles—one big and one small. 
Ltold them the big circle was their brain before 
drugs and the small circle was their brain after 
drugs.” 

The other man said, “1 got 100 people to 
give up drugs forever.” 

“One hundred people!” 
claimed. “How did yo do 

"Well," he said. “I used the same two circles. 
1 pointed to the small circle and told them, 
“This is your asshole before prison. . . 2" 


the judge ex- 


2/7 ze. 
M 


BLONDE JOKE or THE мохтн: А blonde, a bru- 
nette and a redhead were riding in an elevator 
with a man. When he got off, the brunette said, 
"That guy was hot." 

The redhead said, “Yeah, but he could use 
some Head and Shoulders." 

The blonde asked, "How do you give a guy 
shoulders?" 


What's the most important question to ask 
when you want to have safe sex? 
“What time will your husband get home?" 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“They say it’s punishment. 1 say it’s free advertising.” 


LEY 


2211! 
ТІҢ 
A M y | 


il 


( 
OM e V1 all dressed ир, the 


АМ 
к” 


By RICHARD 
CARLETON HACKER 


A 


king of cocktails steps out 


he martini—the cocktail that Hemingway wrote made him 
“feel civilized’—is getting a face-lift. Although the first martini recipe that 
called for an olive was printed in 1888, today's new wave of premium gins 
and vodkas uses gamishes thal range from cucumbers to oysters. Papa 
would probably approve. As a correspondent, he was reputed to have 
gone through World War И with twin canteens, one filled with gin and the 
other with vermouth. Contemporary martinis call for gins such as Old Raj 
a 110-proof time bomb that costs about $50 a bottle. Ninety-four-proof Bro- 
ker's, another new gin. contains 10 botanicals—the most prominent being 
time, coriander and juniper. Although Broker's label states it is "the perfect 
basis for а gin and tonic,” the clean, juniper-thick flavor is just right for a 


martiri misted with vermouth. The removable bowler hat on the bottle top. 
is a cule marketing trick. Bafferts gin is light and triple-distilled with only 
four botanicals—lemon peel, orange peel, coriander and a hint of juniper. 
The family-owned distillery calls Bafferts “а gin even a vodka lover will fall 
for.” While the original martini was made with gin, vodka is just as popular, 
thanks to fallout from the Fifties’ cold war. Now the silver bullet takes aimat 
Russia's newest vodka, Kryshtal Charodei. Both Ihe water used for distil- 
lation and the finished vodka are filtered bya two-week soaking in crushed 
flint found only in the Republic of Belarus. This natural filtration creates a 
vodka that is thick, ойу and aromatic. At the opposite end of the spectrum, 
Norway's latest export, Christiania, distilled (continued on page 170) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES INBROGNO 


113 


O DS ЗАСЕГА CUZ 


ur y ы = 


Ë ы 1 y „> 


т EN Р-У 


MAY | 


угуу, 


From Cleopatra to Monica, 
life is good... 


SAN AS 


7 
КЕ; МА с SER a ге Те 


74 


a ES T 


o moral codes a them. He has ob- 
hing must have been as good as paleofel- оп his prick.” 


The official culture of paid gays 
exercise made oral sex a matter of co se in 
life, though nor all men lifted ee togas! 


man v Е: = Рта 
civilized blow job belongs to myth: Hacked to 


an enemy the Egyptian god Osiris is reassem- 


8 h and conquest 
ара 


PLAYBOY 


116 


Peruvians left ancient spout vessels fes- 
tooned with couples having oral sex 
in various positions. And certain pre- 
Columbian pots had two spouts—one 
penis-shaped and the other vulva- 
shaped—giving the drinker the choice 
between fellatio and cunnilingus. 


THE DARK AGES 


The dawn of Christianity was not a 
happy time for the blow job. Early 
church leaders proclaimed that only 
missionary-style sex for procreative 
purposes within the context of mar- 
riage was permissible in the eyes of 
God. For example, in 1012 a German 
bishop, Burchard of Worms, laid down 
the law for women: “Have you swal- 
lowed your husband's semen in the 
hope that because of your diabolical 
deed he might burn all the more with 
love and desire for you? 1f you have 
done this, you should do penance for 
seven years on legitimate holy days.” 
By comparison, using a dildo “of a 
size to match your sinful desire” cost 
one year of penance, using a strap-on 
meant five years and doing it doggy 
style could be rectified by 10 days on 
bread and water. Ironically, the only 
mention of oral sex in the Bible is by an 
appreciative woman in the Song of Sol- 
omon: “I sat down under his shadow 
with great delight, and his fruit was 
sweet 10 my taste.” 

If sex for pleasure was sin, many 
people sinned heartily. By the time of 
the Renaissance, oral sex had become 
so popular in France that “frenching” 
became shorthand for any type of gen- 
ital kiss. (И remains a hit to this day: In 
a PLAVBOY survey of nearly 6000 men 
from around the world, the French re- 
ported receiving the most blow jobs. 
followed by the Greeks, Brazilians and 
Poles.) The first Western literary blow 
job appears to come from Francois Ra- 
belais, whose writings were so obscene 
he now enjoys his own adjective: “My 
wife will suck my sweet tip. Гт ready 
and waiting. 1 swear and promise to 
you that I'll always keep it succulent 
and well victualed. 

Two hundred years later, frenching 
played a recurring role in erotic th 
ater pieces presented in the private sa- 
lons of noblemen. One play written in 
1788 features a countess and her lover 
Belamour. While fearful of her “ivory 
Belamour submits to her re- 
sucking and “shoots into her 
libertine mouth the torrent that he is 
not permitted to spill elsewhere.” 


CRIMINAL BLOWS 


In England and the colonies, author- 
ities took a dim view of deviant sex. 
However, statutes banning sodomy 
were generally understood to include 
only homosexual anal sex and bestiali- 


ty. As blow jobs grew in popularity, so 
did official efforts to put them down. 
According to historian George Painter, 
in 1880 only three U.S. states banned 
fellatio. By 1920, at least 24 had taken 
the plunge, and 11 state courts defined 
oral sex as sodomy. In the first such case, 
in 1904, the Georgia Supreme Court 
tuled fellatio had not been indictable 
under English common law only be- 
cause it had not been so common. 

In another Georgia case, this one de- 
cided in 1986, the U.S. Supreme Court 
upheld the right of states to ban blow 
jobs and other “unnatural” acts. Today, 
heterosexual fellatio remains illegal in 
more than a dozen states; among them, 
only Alabama offers an exemption for 
married couples. FBI chief |. Edgar 
Hoover once supposedly lamented that 
the federal government couldn't inves- 
tigate cases of oral-genital intimacy un- 
less the act had in some way obstructed 
interstate commerce. 


А CENTURY OF PROGRESS 


The blow job began its slow march to 
cultural acceptance at the end of the 
19th century. The pornography pos- 
sessed by the middle class at the time 
showed an almost obsessive interest in 
oral sex. More married couples began 
to experiment, and the French contin- 
ued to offer encouragement. In his 
study of oral sex. Legman includes a 
translation of A Practical Treatise on Fel- 
lation: Its Advantages and Inconveniences, 
which he identifies as a monograph 
written by an anonymous Frenchman 
about the time of World War 1 

The tract asserts that the best blow 
jobs are those received in small rooms 
with dark red furniture and bathrooms 
stocked port, sherry or madeira 
and “biscuits of any kind except those 
too allegorically cylindrical and long.” 
Men are advised to accept fellatio only 
from women under the age of 35. Each 
woman should be proficient in warm- 


up exercises such as tracing the sign of 


infinity with her tongue and being able 
to pierce with its tip, without touching 
her lips against any surface, a hole three 
cighths of an inch in diameter. 

The author also encourages women 
to use advanced techniques such as spi- 
der-clawing and flutterblasting while 
skillfully handling the complex rig- 
gings of the male genitalia, including 
the puckering string (the centerline of 
the scrotum), the drawstring (the fren- 
ulum) and the balano-preputial groove. 
‘The treatise closes with suggestions for 
postfellatio conversation. The weather 
and recent political assassinations are 
high on the list. 

In 1926 Theodoor Van de Velde pub- 
lished Ideal Marriage: Its Physiology and 
Technique —America's first popular sex 
manual. The book was notable for its 


discussion of “the genital kiss” as a 
form of marital foreplay. But Van de 
Velde wasn't ready to fully embrace the 
blow job. Asan act unto itself, he wrote, 
it could easily open “the hellgate of the 
realm of sexual perversion,” especially 
if it led directly to orgasm. This reflect- 
ed a common view. One writer recalled 
how she and her gal pals in the Twen- 
ties viewed a blow job as something “so 
out of the ordinary that prostitutes 
charged extra for it.” 

Charlie Chaplin was one of the most 
notorious victims of the antifellatio 
vibe. Caught up in an acrimonious di- 
vorce, the actor was charged with hav- 
ing “solicited, urged and demanded 
that the plaintiff submit to, perform 
and commit such acts and things for 
the gratification of defendant's said ab- 
normal, unnatural, perverted and de- 
generate sexual desires, as to be too re- 
volting, indecent and immoral to set 
forth in detail.” Chaplin had asked his 
wife for a blow job. He settled the case 
in 1927 for $625,000, and may have 
gotten off easy. In Sexual Behavior in the 
Human Male, published two decades lat- 
er, Alfred Kinsey reported that “there 
are several instances of wives who have 
murdered their husbands because they 
insisted on mouth-genital contacts.” 


А SEMEN CHANGE 


When the U.S. government sent mil- 
lions of young men to Europe to fight 
two wars, it inadvertently introduced a 
great number of them to frenching. By 
1948, Kinsey found that about 40 per- 
cent ofa sample of American males had 
received oral sex. Five years later, in 
Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, he 
reported that 49 percent of married 
women provided oral sex, and that 62 
percent of the youngest, well-educated 
and sexually active women said they 
gave blow jobs to boyfriends. “It is not 
surprising,” Kinsey wrote, “that the two 
areas of the body which are most sensi- 
tive erotically, namely the mouth and 
genitalia, should frequently be brought 
into contact.” 

Kinsey's findings became the topic of 
much controversy, and he eventually 
lost his funding. Aware of Kinsey's fate, 
and that oral sex was illegal in almost 
every state, Masters and Johnson opt- 
ed not to include their findings on the 
topic in Human Sexual Response, pub- 
lished in 1966. As Masters explained 
some years later, “We didn't have the 
courage.” 

Nevertheless, oral sex had become 
increasingly common. One social s 
ence survey concluded that the 
dence of premarital oral sex had п 
ly doubled between the early ТІ 
and late Sixties. А more recent study 
found that 68 percent of all women 


(continued on page 162) 


NA 


ЧО. 


Apparenily, this curse has a lot more going for it than we figured.” 


117 


hostile territory. ; 


en ! 


your living ry 


There’s a foot-long hole in 

2 a wall at Area Xbox, the space 

at Microsoft's Redmond cam- 

pus where the company's first 

home video game console was 

developed. The hole is circled with a 

bold black marker and labeled “Seamus was 
here”—enshrining a mishap by 33-year-old Seamus 
Blackley, Microsoft's Xbox technology officer. He cre- 
ated the hole by crashing a motorized skateboard in 
the hallway during the early days of Area Xbox, back 
when there was talk of building a half-pipe in the office. 
These days, Blackley doesn’t have time for skate- 
boards. In between business trips to Japan (he esti- 
mates he’s taken 25 since January 2000), the video 


“Alive 
1 shows 
off Xbox’ ability to render bockgreunds. Skate with a bud- 
dy vio a local areo network in Tony Hewk's Pro Skater?) 
Players of Oddworld: Munch's Oddysee alternate ER 
tween characters. Project Gotham Racing includes engine ` 
sounds for each of the 20 cars (All games priced at $50) > 
š x š > 


game addict spends his office time fretting over Xbox” 
fast-approaching release date. After all, he was the one 
who developed the concept and convinced Bill Gates 
to green-light it, at the risk of losing millions on what 
many critics and industry insiders consider a suicide 
mission. In the Japanese-dominated video game in- 
dustry, no American company has survived against 
Sony and Nintendo. (Remember Atari?) Not even Jap- 
anese video game giant Sega, the industry leader in the 
early Nineties with Genesis, could secure enough 
shelf space. Humbly defeated, Sega plans to focus on 
creating games for its onetime rivals. Microsoft faces 
even tougher competition: Sony’s PlayStation 2 (of 
which the company has already sold 10 million) and 
Nintendo’s GameCube, scheduled for release exactly 


у= 


2 “article 
By Jas on 


PLAYBOY 


120 


three days before the Xbox goes on 
sale November 8. 

Xbox is Microsoft's first major con- 
sumer electronic. Aside from a few joy- 
sticks, keyboards and other PC-related 
products, Microsoft has never pro- 
duced anything other than software 
For Microsoft-branded products such 
as the Pocket PC and, most recently, 
UltimateTV, the company developed 
the software for hardware manutac- 
tured by Sony, RCA, Compaq and oth- 
er licensees. So, while Microsoft may 


playstation 
2 


Two; four with 
Optional adapter 


Graphics 
processor 
channels 


Controller 
ports 


guage used by PC game developers to 
ensure that their products would run 
on both a revved-up one-gigahertz 
IBM with 128 megabytes of RAM and a 
generic 400-megahertz system that still 
uses Windows 95. 

Frustrated by the amount of work re- 
quired to develop games for PCs. Black- 
ley thought about the other side—home 
video game consoles. (The develop- 
ment of games for consoles such as the 
PlayStation is much simpler—because 
every system the game will be played 


intendo 
cumecube 


485 MHz 


202.5 MHz 


(sold separately) 


Built-in Ethernet 


port; online 
pn planned 
for 2002 


Remote-control 
accessory 
required; 

sold separately 


Only system to 
feature a built-in 
hard drive: 
enhances play 
and allows users 
10 пр songs 
from COs 


virtually own your home office, it has 
yet Lo earn respect in the living room 
alongside the Sony DVD player, ТУ 
and stereo. 

Nevertheless, Blackley remains opti- 
mistic, or, as he puts it, “I psychotically 
believe in this product.” 

The idea for Microsoft to create a 
home video game console came to him 
on a flight from Boston to Redmond 
He had been hired at Microsoft in 1999 
alter a stint in physics at the Fermi Na- 
tional Accelerator Laboratory and a job 
as an executive producer at Dream- 
works Interactive. 

Blackley's duty at Microsoft was to 
develop DirectX, a programming lan- 


Optional 

adapter sold 
separately; online 
play available now 


Sony will already 
be on its second 
generation of 
games by the 
time other 
a. hit the 
shelves 


Optional 
adapter to 
be sold 
separately 


System will 

interact with 
pate handheld 
game system, 

the Game Boy 
Advance 


on has the same specifications.) The 
way Blackley saw it, Microsoft could 
use what it had already learned from 
PC gaming to create a killer home video 
game console. 
Back in Redmond. Blackley formed 
а presentation out of his in-flight fanta- 
sy and began pitching it to friends, co- 
workers and any Microsoft executive 
who would listen. Microsoft, went the 
speech, could create a video game con- 
sole using resources already available 
within the company. 
here were rumors the company 
was considering developing some type 
of consumer electronic, be it a web 
or something else,” says Blackley: 


we started to campaign for the Xbox 
We kept inviting ourselves to meetings 
and selling it.” 

After a year of what Blackley calls 
corporate “guerrilla tactics,” he and his 
entourage were summoned to mect 
with Gates. It was a chance to demon- 
strate a product that so far had existed 
only on paper. 

“We managed to assemble a demo of 
the Xbox idea from a rickety PC,” says 
Blackley. “It wasn't much, but he saw 
that it could boot in nine seconds, was 
easy to use and incredibly fast.” Not 
only did Gates grant full clearance for 
the project, he personally announced it 
in a press conference one month later 
at the March 2000 Game Developers 
Conference in San Jose. 

Through conference calls and e-mail 
discussions, the Xbox group refined a 
wish list of specifications for a system 
designed to overpower the PlayStation 
2 and Nintendo GameCube. 

The result is a pixel-churning pow- 
erhouse that will nearly outperform 
your home PC. Not surprising, since 
the two of them share many ilar 
parts—a fact that has caused critics to 
accuse Microsoft of creating little more 
than a self-contained PC. 

The Xbox’ 733-megahertz Intel pro- 
cessor is more than twice as fast as the 
295-megahertz PlayStation 2 and even 
overpowers the GameCube's 485-mega- 
hertz CPU. Its large 64-megabyte RAM 
gives developers more room to create 
better graphics and pump sound ef- 
fects through the console's 256 audio 
channels. The Xbox also includes DVD 
playback, an Ethernet port (so you can 
play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2x online 
or on a local area network) and longer 
controller cords—many of the 5000 
gamers the team interviewed com- 
plained that cords on current systems 
don't reach the couch. (For a com; 
son of the three systems, see the chart 
on this page.) 

What separates the system from the 
competition is an eight gigabyte inter- 
nal hard drive—a feature that has nev- 
er before been included in a video 
game console. Extra memory, ап ех- 
tremely precious commodity, lets de- 
velopers preload graphics and level da- 
ta. That eliminates the Now Loading 
screen you find on other systems while 
the next racetrack, game level or oppo: 
nent is being created. 

Gamers also get a better choice of 
music. If you're tired of the tunes on 
Amped: Freestyle Snowboarding, you 
can create a soundtrack by ripping 
songs Їгот your favorite CDs and stor- 
ing them in memory. 

The hard drive will also let develop- 
ers post new levels, characters, race- 
wacks and rosters online for players to 


(concluded on page 160) 


AR, 


17 4 
f Wibrator most ofthe 
time, but in a while 
I still enjoy water, because T 
can use whatever pressure 1 
need. Sometimes I want gen- 
tle pressure, other times a 
bit more aggressive. Water 
never lets me down. 
THERE'S MORE JAMI AT CYBER PLAYBOYCOM. 


Will Ferrell 


Р. АВО 5 


our favorite chameleon on deconstructing bush, 
selling antiques and feeling up molly shannon 


[ he young woman called ош, “Dude, 

‘you are awesome,” as she exited the 
Beverly Hills coffee shop where Will Ferrell, 
the longtime star of Saturday Night Live, 
Lately known best for his dead-on impression 
of President George W. Bush, sat for an in- 
terview. Ferrell turned around for а look 
and noticed the intricate art that spread 
across her lower back and disappeared into 
her hip-hugging jeans. “I'm big with the tat- 
too crowd,” he saad, happy to have her recog- 
nition but unperturbed that after nearly an 
hour of conversation in a crowded течаи- 
rant he hadn't been spotted earlier. 

OK, maybe he didn't want to be recog- 
nized, which explains the low-slung baseball 
cap and bulky letter jacket. Sitting down, the 
six foot-plus Ferrell looks nothing like the 
instantly recognizable characters he's por- 
trayed for almost seven seasons on SNL. 
These include Craig, the Spartan cheer- 
leader; middle school music teacher Marty 
Culp; and Morning Latte host Tom Wilkins; 
as well as impersonations of Bush, Alex Tre- 
bek, Inside the Actors Studio's James Lipton, 
Neil Diamond, Chicago Cubs sportscaster 
Harry Caray and Janet Reno. 

Ferrell, a USC graduate and former mem- 
ber of Los Angeles’ Groundlings troupe, has 
also ventured into the movies, starring in A 
Night at the Roxbury, playing henchman 
Mustafa in the Austin Powers movies and 
taking roles in Superstar, Dick and Ladies 
Man. This season he has a part in Zoolan- 
der, directed by Ben Stiller, which followed 
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, directed by 
Kevin Smith (Dogma, Chasing Amy). 

We asked Contributing Editor David Ren- 
sin lo meet with Ferrell, the man SNL cre- 
ator Lorne Michaels calls “the glue of the 
show,” during a hiatus in Los Angeles. Says 
Rensin: 

‘As 1 pulled into the last remaining space 
outside the coffee shop, 1 saw Ferrell slowly 
drive by in his SUV, looking for a spot to 
park. I made a note to mention his bump- 
er stickers, one of which read: HE'S NOT MY 
PRESIDENT. 

‘After we were seated, I asked him about 
the bumper stickers. “We have friends who 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALISON DYER 


produce them,’ he said. "They gave them to 
my wife, Viveca Paulin, as a joke, since Гт 
playing him, and 1 thought, Great, let's put 
them on! I wanted to do it as a litmus test, to 
see what sort of reactions I'd get on the high- 
way. There have been very few of the honk- 
honk “You can't say that about our presi- 
dent!” It's probably been 80-20 in favor of 
people honking and going, “Love your 
bumper sticker!” My wife encountered an el- 
derly gentleman who yelled, “That is rude! 
You are rude!” I think he had Texas plates."" 


1 


PLAYBOY: You met President Bush when 
he appeared on Saturday Night Live pri- 
or to the election. As this country’s go- 
to Bush impersonator, what were your 
impressions of him? 

FERRELL; First, that he seemed ill at 
ease. Second, that he’s as tall as me. 
The last was of my being shoved out of 
the way so that someone at NBC could 
introduce him to Lorne Michaels’ chil- 
dren. It was an awkward day. They said 
he really wanted to mect me, but I 
could tell that wasn't the case. 

I wanted to meet Gore but didn't. 
From what ГА heard, he was almost а 
reverse Jekyll and Hyde. Off camera, 
he was extremely affable and person- 
able, and presidential. Once the cam- 
era rolled, he stiffened up. I think if Al 
is going to run again, maybe he should 
have a couple belts before he heads out 
on the campaign trail. Wear funny 
hats. Break it up a little. Become the 
Rip Taylor of politics and throw confet- 
ti everywhere. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Would you accept Secret Ser- 
vice protection if offered? 

FERRELL: Yes, on the condition that 
they introduced themselves whenever 
they walked in, kind of like the Mickey 
Mouse Club. I'd make them do little 
dance numbers, have some sort of flair. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Been to Disneyland lately? 
FERRELL: Yesterday, in fact, for my 
wife's birthday—and to look at small 
children. No. It was the first time I 
used any of my celebrity clout. I called 
ahead and asked for a VIP special ser- 
vices tour. The deal is you agree to take 
a photo on a ride at the beginning of 
the day, so they can use it for publicity. 
They chose the ride: the new roller 
coaster in the California theme park. 
I would have chosen Pirates of the 
Caribbean. Then they give you a guide 
who cuts you to the front of the lines 
There’s a strange moment when the 
people standing there go, “Who are 
these people?" It's cool, but it spoils 
you. Now that I've dipped my toe in 
celebrity perks, I'm going to run amok. 
Watch my influence here, at the restau- 
rant. You'll be blown away. 


4 


ы лувоу: What else do you want? 
FERRELL: Well, Га say entry to any sort 
of sporting event, but it's not that cra- 
zy of an idea. Hmm. The power to be 
invisible. For obvious reasons. Га like 
to urinate in public and have no one 
know where the urine was coming 
from. Or find one of my enemies and 
throw up on him, out of nowhere. I'd 
also like to have hung out in Norm Mac- 
Donald's dressing room at the show be- 
cause Norm always rode a fine line be- 
tween extreme vulgarity and hilarity. 
He once told me, "I'd probably be a 
criminal if I hadn't gone into comedy." 


5 


PLAYBOY: Your bio says you have а de- 
grec in sports information. What is 
that? Is there a National Association of 
Sports Information? 

FERRELL: I ask myself that question ev 
ery day. Let's put it this way: I’m one of 
the first, and last, sports information 
majors from the University of Southern 


123 


FEAT BROT 


California. It's essentially a journalism 
degree with an emphasis on sports. 1 
had classes like History of Football. I 
had to take volleyball. Maybe I should 
start that association. Then I could say 
to the young, bright men and women 
who have advanced degrees in sports 
information: There is hope for all of us. 
There is work for us out there. It's not 
in sports, but there is work. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Sum up your career strategy 
in one word. 
FERRELL; Opportunisticism. 


7 


PLAYBOY: How many tics does it take 
to make an impression? Two manner- 
isms? A facial expression? The voice? 
FERRELL: This question goes deep into 
my expertise. You should probably cap- 
italize and underline expertise, be- 
cause 1 am incredible. Look at Darrell 
Hammond, one of the best on the show 
in that capacity. He breaks down every- 
thing. He grew up doing voices, work- 
ing at a radio station. He told me you 
can tell President Clinton has had some 
dental work because he clicks his tongue 
against the back of his teeth. 1 have а 
decent ear, but not like Rich Little. I go 
more for the physicality. Maybe it's la- 
211658, lack of skill or patience. but I 
think it only really takes one tic. Focus 
on that one thing and the rest falls into 
place. Someone told me that when I 
did Janet Reno, I didn't sound like her, 
but I sounded the way she looks. 


8 


PLAYBOY: When does inspiration usual- 
ly strike? 

FERRELL: Janet Reno was actually Viv's 
idea. There was some news story about 
how Janet is six-two or six-three, as tall 
as I, and Viv said, “You should do Janet 
Reno!” We were laughing about how 
it would be fun to make her kind of 
a superhero, this big imposing wom- 
an, knocking things over. 1 love those 
tweeners. Somebody's always going to 
do the president and probably the vice 
president, but there was no reason to 
do Janet Reno. It's creating something 
out of nowhere. I usually get stuff while 
I'm driving around. That's when 1 got 
Harry Caray. When I still lived in Los 
Angeles, my wife got me a job at But- 
terficld and Butterfield, as an apprais- 
al coordinator. The office was close to 
home, so I went home for lunch and 
turned on the Cubs. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Imagine your life if you had 
stayed in the antiques business 
FERRELL: I think 1 would have been 


fired, because I was on thin ice a lot. 1 
made a rule for myself that it was just a 
job to subsist and that if I started get- 
ting auditions based on my work with 
the Groundlings, even at the expense 
of getting fired, I would go. Usually 1 
auditioned during lunch hour, but one 
day 1 had to wait four hours to try out 
for a commercial. When I came back to 
the office, I realized no one even по- 
ticed I'd been gone. That was a bad 
moment for Butterfield, because then 
I began to just leave. Sometimes my 
boss would confront me. I always 
owned up to being bad at my job. He'd 
say, “Hey, what happened to the ap- 
praisal on this estate? It was due a 
month ago.” 

I'd go, “I know. It's awful, isn't it?” 

“Well, yeah, it is bad. When can we 
expect it?" 

“1 don't know. Fm not doing very 
well." 

"Oh, OK." 

I think he expected a fight, but when 
I said, "You're right, I'm not doing 
good,” he left me alone. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Can you be neutral to some- 
body you parody? For instance, you 
play James Lipton as if he's having a 
colonoscopy. 15 that intentional? 
FERRELL: Г don't know about a colonos- 
copy, but maybe a minor rectal proce- 
dure. A lot of times I play people I ad- 
mire. That's how James Lipton came 
about. I can't get over the depth of the 
research he does on his show; you can 
also tell he loves to talk. 1 like the show 
because informational and fun. At 
the same time, there's an elitism. It’s all 
that actor-spcak of "the craft." I'm not 
denying it’s real, but how many times 
can you say it, “the craft”? 

Here's something interesting: Lip- 
ton was recently on Conan O'Brien's 
show, and Conan brought up the fact 
that 1 do him on Saturday Night Live. 1 
guess Lipton issued a public challenge 
for me to come on the 100th Inside 
the Actors Studio and help him inter- 
view Gene Hackman, as Lipton. Sched- 
ule permitting, ГИ definitely do it. He 
seems like a really good sport about it, 
so it would be fun. 


11 


PLAYBOY: What have you left on your 
comedic cutting-room floor? 

FERRELL: I have to be an equal opportu- 
nity offender and not cater to any one 
side. So I've never held back. Here's a 
prime example: One writer wrote some- 
thing for me to do on Weekend Update. 
It was essentially the Barfing Bigot. It 
didn't have that title, but that's the best 
way to describe it. The joke was about 


all the hype leading up to the Ellen 


show where she came out, and I was 
the guy on Update saying, “Hey, what's 
the big deal if a character wants to por- 
way a homosexual?” Norm, playing the 
straight man, said, “Ellen Degeneres is 
not just portraying. She's actually a ho- 
mosexual." The joke was that 1 got sick 
to my stomach and said, “Oh, come 
on,” and started vomiting everywhere. 
Well, the joke is making fun of the 
type of person who would watch that 
show and then go, “What? You mean 
she's really gay? Oh my God!” That's 
something someone might pull back 
from. We did it, but only because we 
weren't making fun of her; we were 
making fun of the dumb person. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Which of your characters gets 
the most hate mail? 

FERRELL: [Laughs] If someone will go to 
the lengths of writing to the show, it's 
usually positive. The most memorable 
experience I had in terms of hatred 
was in one of those SNL chat rooms. 
Early on, one of the writers said, “Hey, 
do you ever check out what people 
say?” I didn't know if I wanted to, but I 
went in. The first comment that came 
up was, “That guy Will Ferrell, he’s re- 
ally funny.” I thought, Oh, tl n't 
so bad. The very next comment was, 
“Yeah, that fucking faggy cheerleader 
guy. We should take him out and drag 
him behind a car.” That taught me not 
to go sniffing around too much. 


13 


PLAYBOY: You apprenticed with the 
Groundlings in Los Angeles. Others on 
SNL come from Second City in Chica- 
go and Canada. Compare and contrast. 
FERRELL: In broad strokes, Groundlings 
is more wacky, more caricature driv- 
y is more theater with a 
point. The Groundlings rarely did а 
sketch that commented on Los Angeles 
or politics. Social commentary seems to 
run through all of Second City's shows. 
Some view Second City as smarter, 
Groundlings as dumber. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Speaking of dumb, can you 
do Steve Butabi's Night at the Roxbury 
head snap to the other side? 

FERRELL: If I do it, ГИ be sued by Para- 
mount Pictures. 1 was once seen doing 
it in public to the opposite side and 
they threatened to hammer me with a 
lawsuit. 


15 


тдувоу: You do Alex Trebek, host of 
Jeopardy. LE “Will Ferrell" is the answer, 
what's the question? What are your 


(concluded on page 159) 


“Please say you'll come. It’s going to be all you can eat.” 


125 


= £ 2 “ ALIEN: 
CAINE GAYLE E s DC SHOES 
CITY STARS SKATEBOARDS , t ы RED BULL 
CHIKARA WHEELS 
NIXON WATCHES 
AXION FOOTWEAR 


JIM GREED 


А TIME TRACKING 
[O CHILD WHEELS 


BAKER SKATEBOARDS 


EMERICA SHOES 77 
ACTIVE MAILORDER E 
SPITFIRE WHEELS 


Ww - "SKATEBOARDING - = 
ээ ТЕЖА 15 Шеше = 
po 17 ROCK AND ROLL 


а USED то "BE: 


~ 


№: 


PLAYBOY 


128 


heart of pop culture. Ten million kids 
in the U.S. skate. Tony Hawk's Pro 
Skateris one of the most popular video 
games of all time, among skaters and 
nonskaters alike. MTV's star-crossed 
show Jackass was the brainchild of prat- 
falling pro skater Bam Margera, Jeff 
Tremaine, Dave Carnie, editor of the 
Larry Flynt-published skateboard mag- 
azine Big Brother, and Girl Skateboards’ 
owner and director Spike (Being John 
Malkovich) Jonze. The show's star, self- 
abuse ninja Johnny Knoxville, was on 
the cover of Rolling Stone. Pro skater 
Steve “Hollywood” Berra is married to 
actress Juliette Lewis. Former pro skat- 
er Jason Lee starred as Stillwater’s in- 
secure singer in Almost Famous. Sean 
Penn narrates the new Seventies skate 
documentary Dogtown and Z-Boys. And 
so on. Meanwhile, the X Games have 
put the daredevil antics of skateboard- 
ing on a par with the spectacle of Mon- 
day Night Football. 

But you're not going to see Camp- 
bell and Dyrdek on the X Games. The 
X Games are an attempt to separate 
the pure athleticism of skateboarding 
from its dirty heart, which beats in plac- 
es like Mons Venus. Despite the best ef- 
forts of made-for-TV sporting events, 
skateboarding is still about getting 
wasted, getting wrecked and getting 
props. It's about self-destruction (thus 
Jackass). In rock-and-roll terms, skate- 
boarding is just about hitting 1972 
Campbell and Dyrdek are neck-deep 
in exotic dancers because the ultimate 
expression of the skate ethic is to be a 
dirty fuckup and still get paid. 

Dyrdek is pimped out like a bantam 
rooster in a black leather jacket, white 
T, gold chain and a tight black beanie 
pulled down over his head. Longtime 
pro Caine Gayle, who skates for the Ax- 
ion Footwear team with Campbell, is 
dressed exactly the same. 

“Pounding beers in the parking lot,” 
Gayle says with a sigh. Money hasn't 
made them any less fond of that. In 
fact, money hasn't changed how they 
act at all. If it did, skateboarding would 
spit them out like a cigarette butt in a 
beer. These days, being at a contest it- 
self is suspect. Chad Muska, the skater 
who for the past few years has been the 
face on every kid's wall, doesn't skate 
contests or even skateparks (other than 
his own). Nobody ever got on а board 
10 be accepted by the masses. They got 
into it to be an outsider, an outlaw. 
They got into it to be like skateboard- 
ing's newest heroes, a gang of notori- 
ously self-destructive Hollywood- 
Huntington Beach boozers who call 
themselves the Piss Drunx. 

It's been this way since the inception 
of organized skating in the mid-Sev- 
enties. That's when Tony Alva and Jay 
Adams made Dogtown skateboards 


and the Zephyr skate team (the Z-Boys) 
the best reason (after joining a band) 
to drop out of high school. Dogtown 
rider Stacy Peralta's documentary, 
Dogtown and Z-Boys, reveals what lay 
hidden inside the hazy sunset image 
of southern California's surf culture: 
a fierce lifestyle of hard skating, hard 
drinking, hard partying and hard 
punk. In the neon Eighties, dominant 
vert skater Christian Hosoi was the first 
“rock star” skater. He made obscene 
amounts of money, more than the 
sport had seen, and his Hollywood pad 
established the connection between 
skating and Tinseltown decadence. No 
one could tell him shit because even 
wasted he skated better than anyone 
else. Which is the whole idea. 

“True skateboarding is like the Hell's 
Angels,” says Dave Carnie of Big Broth 
er. “You can get a Harley, grow your 
hair long, get tattoos and dress like a 
dirtbag, but that doesn't make you an 
Angel. You have to pay your fucking 
dues. Skateboarding's tough and it’s 
about having big balls. It has always 
had a drink-more-fight-more attitude. 
That's what sells. Everyone flocks to 
the fuckups.” 

Skateboarding is about breaking the 
law. The world’s millions of skateboard- 
ers skate mostly on the street, which is 
illegal almost everywhere. They have 
to run from the cops every day. Moms 
curse them for their noise, their loiter- 
ing, their rejection of everything team- 
oriented and acceptable. They are hat- 
ed. Life on a skateboard is a life of 
shitbaggery. Campbell, Dyrdek, Muska 
and the like represent the triumph of 
shitbags everywhere. 

Tony Hawk is the best-known skater 
on earth. But with all due respect, any 
kid who buys a Tony Hawk anything is 
a kid who doesn't skate. 

Kids who skate buy Dyrdek, Camp- 
bell, Muska and the Piss Drunx. But 
you wouldn't call 27-year-old Kareem 
Campbell a shitbag today. He's manag- 
ing his skate team, City Stars, and runs 
shoe, clothing and skate equipment 
companies. He also produces hip-hop 
acts. It's not just his ability to throw 
himself down huge rails that earned 
him respect. It is the fact that he is 
а self-acknowledged Harlem knuckle- 
head who came up off the street. Simi- 
larly, Dyrdek is a fast-talking high 
school dropout who stumbled into a 
deathless adolescent dream, partying 
all night and winning skate contests all 
day. Now he drives to his skate sessions 
in an $80,000 Mercedes with a dia- 
mond necklace around his neck. And 
Muska, perhaps more than anyone 
else, can say that skating saved his life. 

Not surprisingly, Campbell, Muska 
and the Piss Drunx’ Andrew Reynolds 
appear as characters in Tony Hawk's 


Pro Skater. But even when there's noth- 
ing to buy, fans still represent: They 
scrawl “РО” on the bottoms of their 
boards to show they're down with the 
Piss Drunx. Skating is about living in 
the moment, without regard for the 
morning after. 

it,” says Dyrdek, looking at his 
watch just after five AM. in the Mons 
Venus parking lot. “I have to be on a 
plane in an hour and 19 minutes. That 
gives us time to stop at one more place.” 


PISS DRUNX INTERLUDE NUMBER ONE 


1 am at the Skatepark of Tampa to 
watch the street prelims on a Saturday. 
A couple thousand young groms buzz 
around excitedly in front of the big 
metal industrial building. They wait for 
autographs as thunderheads sweep in 
off the Gulf of Mexico. One of the pre- 
teens standing there with his mom 
grips a copy of Skateboarder magazine 
with Andrew Reynolds on the cover. 
“Is Reynolds here?” | ask. “He was 
here for a little while, but he was real 
drunk,” says the 

“He's not even entered in the con- 
test,” his mom says. 


THE MUSKA: ALWAYS FADED 


Age: 24. 

Home: Woodland Hills, California. 

Signature: huge fat handrails. 

Breakthrough video part: Shorty's 
Fulfill the Dream. 

Companies: Shorty's skateboards 
and hardware, TSA Clothing, Circa 
Footwear, Fury trucks, CCS Mailorder, 
Diakka Time Tracking and Ghetto 
Child wheels. 

Chad Muska sits on a leather couch 
that’s sprinkled with cigarette burns. И 
is one of the few pieces of furniture in 
his house. He looks unhinged as he fo- 
cuses his manic energy on a big joint. 
His thin blond hair is tucked up into a 
baseball cap bearing the name of his 
wheel company, Ghetto Child. The rest 
of the place, a marble-and-glass man- 
sion in an affluent neighborhood above 
Woodland Hills, is almost empty. 
There is a futon in one room. One of 
the others contains a jumble of key- 
boards and computer sound tools. 
‘There are framed Dali prints on the 
wall that look like they were bought as 
a set, or left by the previous owner. 

1 ask him where all his shit is. “I 
don't know,” he says, looking around 
“1 guess I'm always skating." 

Muska's story is the story of skate- 
boarding. It is a perfect example of 
how a talented, cast-off stoner can find 
family, fame and fortune. 

The fortune, by the way, is out- 
rageous. Skateboard people are a lit- 
Че touchy about talking money be- 
cause they still operate on handshake 

(continued on page 152) 


“Ws OK, Ellen. Pue decided to ask for my own raise.” 


129 


ANGELICA 


our red-hot model 
burns up the screen 


ngelica Bridges has what it 

takes to stand out in a crowd. 

“You can't help noticing a red- 

head, because we are only 
four percent of the population,” says the 
former Baywatch siren. “Гт a walking con- 
tradiction. Most people assume I'm this 
fiery, passionate woman, and that's true. 
But I also meditate, pray, go to church 
every Sunday, rescue animals and want a 
house with a white picket fence. I'm а total 
kook, a Lucille Ball type of girl who loves to 
crack jokes and make animal sounds.” An- 
gelica has an array of cartoon and animal 
voices that she uses in radio commercials, 
and she demonstrated them by barking 
and yelping at us over the phone. “I don't 
take myself seriously at all, so my forte is 
obviously comedy,” she says. “Laughter is 
so healing. My dream is to host Saturday 
Night Live.” 

The 27-year-old co-hosts the new syndi- 
cated show What a Fan with Survivor's Ger- 
vase Peterson. “We highlight one superath- 
lete each week and show how crazy people 
get for their favorite teams,” she says. So 
how does Angelica get game? “I play chari- 
ty volleyball and golf tournaments,” she 
says. “I surprise other golfers when I go out 
there with my Callaway driver and hit the 
ball 300 yards!” When she’s not tearing 
up the driving range, Angelica likes bust- 
ing her acting chops. She made six movies 
this year, with roles that included one of 


Angelica got her break playing Troy Aikman's girl- 
friend in a Brut cologne commercial before landing 
a recurring role on Days of Our Lives. She has op- 
peared an more thon 20 television series, including 
NYPD Blue, Conan, That Seventies Show, Martal Kom- 
bat and Son of the Beach. This summer she was the 
spokesperson for Miller Lite's "Get the Goods" ad 
compoign, which feotured life-size cutouts of Angeli- 
co that leave you thirsty for more. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANTOINE VERGLAS 


45222 

12 m 

ЛОО 

NT, 
a, 


MacKenzie Astin's girlfriends in 
the romantic comedy The Month 
of August, a heart attack-inducing 
vixen opposite ER's Goran Vis- 
njic in The Last Will, a love inter- 
est of Duran Duran's John Taylor 
in Vegas C.O.D. and a reformed 
bad girl who campaigns for a 
maintenance man to be mayor in 
The Least Likely Candidate. “1 be- 
lieve in reinventing myself and 
doing things that stimulate me,” 
she says. “Yes, I started out as а 
Baywatch babe, but that brought 
me to where I am and I'm thank- 
ful.” Angelica is so appreciative 
that she just reprised her role 
as Taylor Walsh in the new Bay- 
watch reunion TV movie and has 
kept in touch with many of her 
co-stars, including Pamela An- 
derson. “I've always admired her, 
and we have something in com- 
mon in that she dated Markus 
Schenkenberg about 10 months 
after I did,” she tells us. Now un- 
attached, Angelica claims that 
she is finished dating models. “I 
want a real man,” she says. “I 
love men who are a lite rugged, 
and there's that little girl in me 
who always wants someone to 
sweep her off her feet." 

You might not have heard of 
the Brooke Sisters, but Angelica 
once sang with the band in front 
of 20,000 fans in China. “Armed 
guards had to walk me out and 
people were pulling on my hair 
because they had never seen a 
redhead before,” she tells us. 
“Now I'm working on my first al- 


bum—filled with sexy and soul- 


ful music—with some European 


producers.” She also designed 
her own website and answers her 
(text concluded on page 136) 


“Samson, my bunny, was traumatiz- 
ing my cat by trying to hump her 
every second,“ says Angelica. “The 
Mansion staff told me, ‘Samson cen 
live here and bunny-hap all day with 
other rabbits.’ Naw he's the happi- 
est bunny in the world.” 


e-mail personally. “No one believes it's me,” she says. “I 


write back, ‘Would Angelica be sitting here in her pink 


panties, bunny slippers, hair in a knot on the top of her 
head and zit cream from the night before?’ Then it 
dawns on them, Ой my God, it is her!” 
Angelica hasn't lost touch with her modest roots in 
rural Missouri. “I totally believe in Southern hospitali- 
‘Any time a girl like me comes to your 
house, she brings a bottle of wine. cookies or fresh but- 
termilk biscuits. I still pinch people's cheeks and say, 
"Aren't you just the most darling thing ever?’ Or I love 
spanking people's bottoms when they do something 
cute or funny, and I say, ‘Oh, you're so naughty! If 1 
ever write a book, it will be called Charmed Life, because 
being charmed isn’t just about amazing things. I have 
gone through a lot of hard times that were important 
experiences because they grounded me and helped 


make me who I am today.” 


STYLING BY ELIZABETTA ROGIANI 
HAIR BY LOUIS ANGELO 
MAKEUP BY OEEOEE ANO JOANNA CONNELL 


САНТ GET ENOUGH OF ANGELICA? 
бо TO CYBER PLAYBOY COM. 


PLAYBOY 


140 


Letterman 
(continued from page 92) 
they set their sights on each other. 

Ihave an older sister, Mimi. She won't 
come to Amsterdam, or anywhere else 
my father happens to be living. She 
wants to know why I keep visiting him. 
and 1 tell her it’s because he pays my 
tuition, which he does. She says Гуе 
made а deal with the devil, that it can't 
end well, that 1 should consider the 
student loans that have worked just 
fine for her. 1 tell her I like milking him 
for all he's worth, which, embarrass- 
ingly, is the only act of defiance I've 
been able to muster to this point. 

We reach Amsterdam proper and 
my father turns on his windshield wip- 
ers. It's been sprinkling since we 
emerged from the covered parking at 
Schiphol, and at last he must deal with 
the accumulation of water. We drive 
alongside a tiny tram powered by par 
allel electric wires running above its 
roof—transportation for dolls. The 
apartment buildings are brick blocks 
with plain, square windows, and eve 
one seems to have agreed upon a uni- 
form of white chiffon curtains. “Where 
are the hookers?” 1 find myself asking 
my father, with whom I've never once 
discussed a sex-related matter. 

He looks at me and 1 freeze, thinking 
he’s going to hit me. Then he turns 
back to the road without saying a word. 
The reality is, he's never laid a hand on 
me. И was Mimi he went after, while 1 
stood by and watched. Often, 1 was the 
one who alerted him to the fact that she 
was in need of a smack. Perhaps she 
had bullied me, or taken something 1 
wanted—some toy, or scrap of food. 
Like me, my father had an infantile 
conviction that Mimi should never in- 
terfere with my happiness. I thought 
this was because he loved me, and not, 
as 1 would later learn, because some- 
thing in his character had made him 
ultrasusceptible to the worst aspects of 
the Arab culture in which he was raised. 

He beat my sister elaborately, calling 
her into his room, spreading his legs as 
he sat on the edge of the bed, demand- 
ing that she come and stand between 
them. She'd start flinching right away, 
her head twisted in anticipation of be- 
ing boxed. “Why are you flinching?” 
he'd ask her. He'd tell her to stand still, 
but she couldn't. Her arms jerked up 
in front of her face, and he pulled them 
back down. She cried and he asked 
why she was crying. He gave her a tis- 
sue. He waited until it had all subsid- 
ed—the tears, the self-protection—be- 
fore he started in on her, dealing his 
blows, then grabbing her wrists and 
pulling her back into him when she re- 
coiled. She wore corduroy outfits with 
matching berets sent by my mother, 


who had not fought for custody. She 
was so little. It was like watching some- 
one kill their pet. 

One winter he put Mimi out of the 
house and I waved to her from the 
kitchen window as she sat on the cold 
concrete without a jacket. She didn’t 
wave back, just kept her palms flat on 
the icy driveway. Later, my father had 
to defrost her hands in a bowl of cool 
water. He watched as her freezer- 
burned skin slowly came back to life, 
warning her that the numbness would 
soon give way to pain. But as the time 
passed, her face registered nothing; at 
the ripe old age of 11, it seemed she 
had acquired a death wish. 

1 can't believe 1 waved, It’s my deep- 
est shame. deeper than tattling on her, 
or not once raising a cry in her defense. 
1 waved because | was safe inside the 
house, because immunity from my fa- 
ther had led me to believe I was special, 
and that any suffering that took place 
on my behalf was in everyone's best in- 
st. Гуе wanted to apologize a mil- 
lion times but am afraid of reminding 
my sister that I'm despicable 

“You're thinking about the red- 

light district,” my father says final- 
ly. “They're not going to let those pig- 
gy women run wild all over the city. 
They've contained them.” 
"m going to get a hook- 
er,” I say, wishing my voice wouldn't 
quake so much. This is the real reason 
I'm here, the reason 1 can't explain to 
my sister: to cure my unfounded fears 
of a man who has never struck me. 

“Take off your shoe,” my father says 
as we step through the vestibule, his 
Middle Eastern accent still causing him 
to occasionally drop his plurals. T kick 
off my sneakers without bothering to 
untie them. He warns me, “This is not 
how to make shoes last.” 

"Where's the bathroom?” 1 ask, set- 
üng my duffel bag on the shiny tiled 
floor. 

"Give me your coat," he answers. 

I take off my jacket and hand it 
to him. 

“Coats go in here,” he says, opening 
a folding closet door and pulling out a 
wooden hanger. Before angling it into 
one of my armholes, he pauses to ex- 
amine the Maynard patch on the left 
breast. “What kind of clothing is this?” 
he asks me. 

“Its my roommate's," I say. “He's a 
mechanic.” 

“Why are you wearing it? 

I shrug. “It’s cool.” 

"'Cool'?" He smirks. He likes to put 
me down for sounding American. He 
resents that I have a country, I think, 
that I'm nota foreigner, that I'm pale, 
like my Scandinavian mother. He's up- 
set that even as 1 walk around carrying 
fully half of his Lebanese genes, I do 


not seem to find myself an Arab. I re- 
fuse to visit Beirut, harbor a passive-ag- 
gressive Israeli sympathy, can't speak 
а word of Arabic. Anyone who didn't 
know my background might mistake 
my self-loathing for racism. 

‘About the jacket, I say, “Girls like it,” 
ich is the only real weapon I have 
against him. He's a loser with women. 
As soon as he decides he's interested in 
someone—and he only dates women 
under his command at the American 
Consulate, so that he has access to their 
files—he's on the phone with Tick- 
etron. из freakish. Without bothering 
to ascertain the tastes of his prospective 
beloved, he buys several weeks’ worth 
of play, symphony and opera tickets, 
then proposes marriage to whoever's 
still awake after the last curtain falls. 
He's come close a couple of times— 
there was even one short-lived engage- 
ment—but in the end it never works 
out. I think he's looking for someone 
with a very good attention span. Some- 
one to follow his movements acutely, 
just as Mimi did when she was little, 
feeling his meaty palms against her 
skin before they even touched her. 

“You must be kidding me.” he says 
now, running his fingers over the em 
broidered patch 

1 shake my head. “Seriously. Women 
love it." 
ow-class women?" 
llege women. Professors even." I 
can't seem to stop taunting him. 

“I don't believe you," he say: 

"Where's the bathroom?" I say. 

My father points the way and 1 jerk 
off into the toilet, thinking about Pro- 
fessor Devine and how she liked to sit 
on my lap while 1 edited Gunsmoke epi- 
sodes for her production class. Some- 
times she marked my work too harsh- 
ly, sometimes she was too soft. She 
never got it right—how to grade а stu- 
dent you're screwing—so to this day I 
have no idea whether or not 1 can actu- 
ally edit. 1 never saw what was beneath 
her skirts, cither—only felt that she'd 
been thinking about me, or someone 
she liked just as well, before knocking 
at my door. On those late afternoons, 
when most of the faculty had gone 
home and the students hadn't quite 
begun their nocturnal takeover of the 
Communications building, she asked 
nothing more of me than a puncture, a 
rivet. Sometimes she'd let me suck on 
one of her breasts, quickly taking it 
back as soon as she was finished. Her 
stinginess made me come. My Dutch 
hooker is going to be just like Professor 
Devine. I'm going to pay her to quit 
early, to desert, to leave me in my own 
stupid mess. 

My father knocks and says, “Are you 
almost done?” 

1 clean myself up, wash my hands 


ET 


141 


mkful for our health, the bountiful harvest and that 
occasional gust of wind.” 


“Pm tha 


PLAYBOY 


142 


and open the door. “Let me show you 
the kitchen,” he says, turning abruptly. 1 
follow him past his room and glance in- 
side. Beyond his elevated bed is a tele- 
scope whose lens pecks gingerly out of a 
closed curtain, like a finger between two 
buttons on a blouse. It’s tilted slightly 
upward, though not high enough to see 
the sky. 

At the entrance to the next doorway 
he flips on a fluorescent lamp, illuminat- 
ing a long galley kitchen. On the back 
wall is a door, and, beside it, a window 
revealing the lighted apartments into 
which my father is presumably peeping. 
“This is special tez е announces, indi- 
cating a small box on his putty-colored 
counter. “Each bag can be used three 
times.” 

Inod. 

“When you finish with a tea bag, put it 
in this Tupperware.” He waggles a plas- 
tic tub near the sink. 

“All right,” 1 say. 

“Here are the glasses,” he says, open- 
ing one cupboard door, then another 
and another as he moves on to expose 
plates, pots, linens. 

I keep nodding until he's finished, 
then point to the back door and say, 
“What's out there?” 

“A garden,” he says. 

“No,” I say, “what are you looking at 
through your telescope?” 

He puts on his consulate face then, 
which causes the wrinkles on his fore- 
head to smooth out, and his eyes to scan 
some middle distance. Diplomacy, he's 
always said, is the art of accepting defeat 
in the same way you would victory—with 
humility, grace and mild amusement. 
This is the man I always wanted for 


a parent, but my father wasn't one to 
bring the office home. "OK," he says, 
smiling a little. He’s still handsome, 
which he doesn't deserve to be. “You 
caught me. C'mon.” 

He flicks off the kitchen lamp and I 
follow him back to his bedroom, where 
he operates on light from the hallway 
alone. We traverse the path between the 
foot of his platform bed and an ornate, 
freestanding wardrobe—furniture he's 
shipped all over the world with him in 
the course of his career. It still looks new. 
My father’s practice has always been to 
buy expensive things, then treat them 
well so as not to have to replace them. 
He used to stand behind Mimi at the 
kitchen sink as she washed plate after 
Wedgwood plate, making sure she never 
chipped them. She never did, which dis- 
appointed him, but he swatted her any- 
way, while I stood by, rubbernecking. 

He removes the lens cap, then posi- 
tions himself in front of the eyepiece, all 
without actually touching the telescope. 
He's quiet for a long moment, then says, 
“OK, you can look.” 

We trade places and 1 assume his posi- 
tion behind the lens. Somewhere across 
the courtyard, a few flights up, a blonde 
in her mid-30s watches television while 
her seemingly disembodied hands per- 
form the task of knitting. 1 can't explain 
why, but the way she's doing it, without 
looking, without checking her work, 
gives me a hard-on. “Who is she?” 1 say. 

“Joanna.” 

“Yo Anna?” 

"The J is a Y in Dutch.” 

“Oh,” I say. “Joanna.” 

“Well, do you see what she's doing?” 
he says. 


“Piercings, tattoos and disfigurement. As if you weren't 
gorgeous enough already.” 


“How do you know her name 

“She's my new assistant. She's knitting 
me a sweater.” 

“Why?” 

“Why?” he laughs. “Because I took 
her to the symphony and she a 
what my favorite color was. 1 s 
and that's a blue sweater. Everyone in 
the Netherlands knits.” 

Just then Joanna stops Knitting. Some- 
thing on TV has caught her eye, per- 
haps, and she tilts her head slightly. She 
raises one of the thick needles to her 
chest and starts tracing a spot on the out- 
side of her own sweater that would seem 
to correspond toa nipple. 

“What's she doing?” my father asks. 

“Nothing,” I say. 3 

“I'm going to propose to her while 
you're here. I've been monitoring her, 
and I think she's going to say yes.” 

“Wow,” I say. “Congratulations.” 

“Well,” he says, “she hasn't said yes 
yet” 

“Does she know that you watch her?” 

“Don't be stupid. I hide the telescope 
under the bed when she comes ove! 

“Just wondering.” 

“Step aside,” he says. 

I do, and he takes my spot, squinting 
through the far-reaching peephole. He 
doesn't say anything for a few seconds, 
then he “Was she knitting all that 
time I was talking to you?” 

“What else would she have been do- 
ing?" 15 

“Nothing,” he says. 

"Isn't she knitting now?" 

"Of course." 

“It's kind of dull," 1 say, “watching 
that." 

"Not to me," my father says. "Not if. 
you're in love." 

The next morning at breakfast, he 
gives me a mug of hot water, then, a few 
minutes later, squeezes out the tea bag 
from his own mug and drops it into 
mine. “It might take a few minutes to 
brew,” he says. “Just be patient.” 

We're sitting at a rectangular table at 
the front end of his long living room, 
eating cereal. He's easy with himself, 
dropping toast crumbs all over the place 
mat, letting tea dribble down the side of 
his mug, slopping random Cheerios on- 
to the snowy carpet beneath 
of these would've been punishable of- 
fenses in my childhood, at least for Mi- 
infuriates me now to see it was all 
a ruse. 

“Remember how you used to hit my 
sister?” I say, my voice a little stronger 
than the night before 

He looks at me. “Mimi was a willful 
child and that got her a few beatings. 
You, on the other hand—I never had а 
problem with you.” 

Despite his cozying up to me, I force 
myself to push on. “I remember one 
time, just before you put her outside, 
you told her to go and get her shoes. 
When she turned to walk away from 


THIS PRODUCT 
IS NOTA SAFE 
ALTERNATIVE TO 
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If this guy takes 
one more Creek break, 
I swear ГИ bite the 5.О.В. 


About RA tholprice of Skoal“ 


PLAYBOY 


144 


you, you kicked her in the rear and she 
went flying forward.” 

My father laughs. “That's quite a 
story.” 

“Actually,” 1 say, thinking some more, 
“you told her to go and get her shoe. You 
meant the pair, but you said ‘shoe.’ Do 
you realize you do that? Drop your plu- 
Э I guess it's your accent.” 

I'm an old man,” my father says. “I 
don't need this kind of talk." 

"About beating my sister or about your 
accent?" I say. 

He doesn't answer. Гуе never said 
these things to him before. I thought 
that it would feel good to say them now, 
but it's making me feel worse. A million 
times worse. Because nothing happens 
He doesn't get mad or kick me out or 
anything. 

“I'm getting a hooker,” I say. 

“No, you're not,” he tells me. “You will 
not endanger my standing in the diplo- 
matic corps.” 

“You can't stop me." 

“You don't think so?” 

I shake my head 

“Well, I think so," he says. 

“I dont care if you quit paying my tu- 
ition. I can get student loans.” 

“It’s nothing to do with money.” 

“I'm going to take a shower,” I say, 
getting up from the table. 

“1 may not be here when you get out,” 
he says. "1 need to go to work.” 

"It's Saturday.” 

"I'm getting a little behind,” he 
admits. 

“All right, then," I say. “I'll see you to- 
night. After the hooker.” 

Т jerk off again, this time in the show- 
er, thinking about Joanna and her knit- 
ting needles. When I come out, my fa- 
ther is gone, just as he said he would be, 
and I feel myself relaxing a little for the 
first time since 1 got here. 1 wrap a towel 
around my waist and go into his room 
to look through the telescope. At first it 
seems like Joanna's not home, but then, 
alter a few minutes, she appears in the 


living room, carrying a basket of laun- 
dry. She sets it down on the floor and 
begins folding its contents, laying the 
clothes in neat piles on the couch. At one 
point she pulls a red blouse from the 
basket, and, as she holds it up for exam- 
ination, her face registers dismay. She 
then drapes it across the front of herself, 
tugging at different parts of it to try to 
make it fit. Finally she turns her back to 
the window, removes the T-shirt she’s 
wearing, and puts on the shrunken 
blouse. She buttons it and turns around 
a little, and 1 can see that the fabric is 
pulling across her chest. She caves her 
shoulders, but even so, there's no mak- 
ing it work. This distracts her to the de- 
gree that she forgets to turn around ful- 
ly before slowly undoing the buttons. 
Her bra is white and matronly and the 
effect of this is fairly profound on me, 
though I don’t follow through. 

Instead, 1 go back in the guest room 
and pull some clean clothes out of my 
suitcase. After getting dressed, I count 
my money for the hooker and make sure 
I smell good in every place that can also 
smell bad. 

In the entryway, І open the closet and 
pull out my mechanic's coat, then head 
for the front door. Seconds before I tug 
at the handle, I notice a place for a key 
on the inside, and think, how European. 
When the door won't open no matter 
which way I turn the knob, I see my fa- 
ther has won. 

He's left a number where I can reach 
him at work, so I call him from the wall 
phone in the kitchen. “Fakir,” he says— 
the last name I resent having to share 
with ћи 
“Yeah, I’m locked in,” I say. 

Who is this, please?” 

“C'mon,” I say. "You locked me in. 
You can't do that. How does this fuck- 
ing door work?" I rarely swear in front 
of him. and it seems to have the same ef- 
fect as that time, many ycars ago, when 
I made the conscious shift from Daddy 
to Dad. 


‘And then before I know it, he shouts, ‘Shazam!’ and that’s 
it for the night.” 


“Is this Gregor?” he asks 

"Where's the fucking key?” 

“I have the key.” 

“This is fucked up,” 1 say. 

“TI be home at lunch,” he says. “Joan: 
na is coming for dinner tonight and I'm 
going to ask her to marry me. I need you 
to be there.” 

“1 can't believe you did this." 

“Gregor,” he says, “could you defrost 
the chicken in the freezer? 1 forgot to 
take it out before I left.” 

Without thinking, 1 go to the freezer 
and pull out a plastic bag with CHICKEN 
written on it in black magic marker. "Got 
it,” I say. 

“Plug up the sink and set it in there 
with some cold water. Ill thaw faster.” 

“I remember," I say, “from my sister's 
hands.” 

He laughs. “What are you talking 
about now?" 

“Listen,” 1 say, 
hooker tomorrow.” 

*Yow're the son ofa diplomat,” he tells 
me. “You will not get a hooker.” 

“Sure 1 will,” I say, and I hang up 

1 fill the sink and watch the chicken 
bob a little in the water. The twice-used 
tea bag from breakfast sits inside its Tup- 
perware, and I know that tomorrow 
morning my father will make me use it, 
taking a fresh one for himself. 

I realize I'm not breathing and correct 
that. Then I drain the sink of water and 
pray that tonight at dinner, each piece of 
chicken will have a raw, frozen center 
that will give Joanna food poisoning be- 
fore my father has a chance to propose. 

By now, she's finished folding her 
laundry and is watching ТУ and knitung 
again. She's kept the tight red blouse 
on after all, and I'm hoping that she'll 
reach inside one of the gaping holes be- 
tween the buttons and touch herself, but 
she doesn't. Boring. At one point she 
turns her head abruptly, then sets her 
knitting on the couch and gets up. She 
leaves the living room for a moment, 
then returns carrying a cordless phone. 
She's talking amiably with someone, 
then listening, then she walks over to the 
window and looks down at me from her 
fourth floor apartment. She listens some 
more to whoever' talking, then shakes 
her head as if to say no and walks away. 
She doesn't seem to see the tip of the 
telescope. 

Eventually she hangs up the phone 
and returns to her knitting on the couch. 
She sits there for maybe five minutes, 
then gets up again and walks to the win- 
dow, looking directh me. She puts her 
hands on her hips. She's attractive. Very 
sturdy in the face, with a powerful jaw 
and eminent cheekbones. She walks 
away from the window and out of the liv- 
ing room again, and seconds later, my fa- 
ther's phone rings. 

The phone sits on the nightstand, 
along with a clock and a biography of 
Henry Kissinger I perch on the edge of 


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the bed and wonder about answering. 
The ringing stops eventually, then starts 
up again, which I take to be a sign. 

“Gregor?” an American voice says. For 
a second I think its my sister. 

"Yes?" I say. 

5 15 Joanna. A friend of your 
She pronounces her name witha 


“Joanna?” 
Dutch way. 

I hear a smile in her voice. "Thats 
what Arshad likes to call me. I don't 
mind either way 

“| thought you were Dutch," 
“You look Dutch." 

“I look Dutch? How do you know 
that?" 

I don't answer her. 

"Hello?" she says. 

“Dm here.” 

“Г guess your father told you I was 
blonde.” 

I take a deep breath and say, “No. He 
watches you through a telescope in his 
bedroom.” 

“Excuse me?” 

"I'm sorry, 
know." 

She doesn't respond. I feel worried 
about her, so I step back behind the tele- 
scope and look through it. She's stand- 
ing in front of her window, looking 
down at me. 

“You probably can't see the tip of the 
lens from up there.” 1 say. 

“You're looking at me now?” she says, 
her voice turning a little breathy. 

“Sorry,” 1 say, moving away from the 
eyepiece. “I'm not anymore. I promise. I 
just wanted to make sure you were OK.” 

“I'm not OK,” she says. "Of course I'm 
not OK." 

“Can I just suggest that you don't see 
my father anymore? He's not a very nice 
person.” 

She doesn't say anything 

“Would you like me to hang up now? 
So you can be alone?" 
“No,” she answers. 


I say, pronouncing it the 


1 say. 


1 say, “but you should 


Please don't hang 


u 

“All right,” 1 say. 

She lets out a long breath. “I don't 
know what to say right now.” 

“That's OK," I tell her. 

"Your father just called to tell me that 
he accidentally locked you in. He wanted 
me to call and tell you that you could go 
out in the garden if you wanted, for 
fresh air." 

“I'm fine inside,” I say. 

“What have you been doing?” she asks 
tentatively. 

Sitting on my father's bed and feeling 
ashamed, I want to tell her. So 1 do. “I 
watched you a little bit this morning,” I 
begin slowly, "and last night, too, with 
my father. You were knitting, and then 
you touched yourself with one of the 
needles. This morning, you tried on a 
blouse that was too small for you and it 


146 made you upset. I'm very sorry for my 


part їп all of this. I really am. I hope that 
telling you about my father’s telescope 
makes up for it in some small way. Please 
understand, I'm nothing like him. I 
want to be better.” 

“Jesus,” Joanna says. 

I can't help it. I head for the telescope. 
"I'm looking at you again," I say. “I'm 
sorry. I don't know why I keep doing i 
Maybe you should shut your curtain 

She sighs. “It’s OK. I give you permis- 
sion to look at me. Here,” she says, and 
she waves. 

“Hi,” I say, then I go and open my fa- 
ther’s curtains. “Can you see me now?” 

“Not really,” she says. 

“Wait,” I say, and I set the phone 
down and run into the kitchen, unlock- 
ing the door that leads out to the gar- 
den. My father’s got his bike there, cov- 
ered in plastic and propped up against a 
wooden fence, along with some garden- 
ing tools and a pair of dirty sneakers. I 
stand on a small brick patio, waving my 
arms wildly, while Joanna, who is much 
smaller and harder to see without the 
telescope, seems to wave back. I quickly 
return to my father's bedroom and pick 
up the phone again. “Hi,” I say, panting 
alittle. 

“Do you want to get out of there? 
she asks. 

“What?” 

“Do you want me to get you out of 
there? 

“Oh man,” I say, "yeah." 

“You'll have to jump the fence at the 
back of your father's garden. ГИ call the 
woman who lives behind him and tell 
her to let you in." 

The first thing I notice when Joanna 
opens her door is that she still hasn't 
changed out of the tight blouse, whose 
thin material allows the color of her skin 
to seep through in places. Also, her face 
seems less airbrushed in person, with 
wrinkles extending out from the cor- 
ners of her eyes, and laugh lines form- 
ing parentheses from her nostrils to 
her mouth. Somewhere, somehow, she is 
a woman who enjoys life. "Gregor?" 
she says. 

“Hello, Joanna," 1 say, holding out my 
hand. She doesn’t so much take it as slip 
her own hand inside of it, as if I were а 
sheath. 

"Come in," she says, stepping aside so 
I can pass. 

Her place appears to be laid out iden- 
tically to my father's, though she's paint- 
ed her walls actual colors, as opposed to 
the noncommittal whites he prefers. The 
entryway is maroon, which makes me 
think of chimneys, while the rich yellow 
living room seems to promise an endless 
summer. 

“Can I offer you anything?" Joanna 
asks. ^A drink, or maybe some lunch?" 

“I wouldn't mind a glass of water, 
1 say. 

She nods and heads for the kitchen. I 
don't want to crowd her so I stay in the 


front hall, like a handyman with muddy 
boots. Joanna pulls two highball glasses 
from one of her cupboards, then, in- 
stead of turning on the water faucet, 
pours us each some vodka. She brings 
the drinks out and we gulp them down, 
after which she returns the empty gla: 
es to the kitchen. “Have a seat in the liv- 
ing room,” she calls. 

hould I take off my shoes?” 

“Yes,” she says, “please.” 

I kick them off, then set them neatly 
beside an umbrella stand. “What about 
my jacket?” I ask when she returns. 

She reaches out and touches the patch 
that says Maynard. It’s not truc that you 
can't detect vodka on someone's breath, 
or that its fragrance has to be damning 
"Whose coat is this?" she wants to know 
“Why don't you wear your own clothes 

"I don't like my clothes,” 1 say, trying 
not to feel aroused by her close scrutiny, 
or the way her voice has dropped. 

She looks down at her blouse and says, 
“I don't like my clothes, either. They 
don't fit.” 

"Didn't you follow the washing in- 
structions?” I ask. 

“No,” she says, tugging at the clingy 
fabric. "I put it in the drier, to make sure 
it would be ready for tonight.” 

“Oh,” I say. 

"I'm trying to stretch it back now,” she 
tells me. 

1 nod, confining my gaze to her right 
shoulder. 

Jan 1 try on your jacket?" she asks. 
“Sure,” I say, taking it of and handing 
it to her. 

She slips it on and immediately slides 
her hands into the pockets. From the 
right one she withdraws the roll of gul- 
dens Гус bound with a rubber band. 
"There were too many bills to fit inside 
my wallet. “What's this?" she asks. 

"My savings." 


I dear my throat. 
“What?” she says. 
"I should probably go," 


1 say. 
“I thought you said you wanted to be 
better,” she says, closing my coat around 
her and crossing her arms to keep it 
shut 
“Ido,” I say. * 


I won't peep at you any- 


more, 1 swear. 

“So уоште just going to go find some 
other poor woman to peep at? You're 
going to stand in front of all those win- 
dows on Bloedstraat and decide who's 
got the best . . . whatever it is you're 


something I've been planning 
for a long time,” I say. "I wouldn't expect 
you to understand.” 

“So I was just the warm-up act? You 
got yourself all hot and bothered looking 
at me, and now you're off for the main 
event” 

“I would never have looked at you if 
my father hadn't shown me his tele- 
scope. Г already told you.” 


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148 


“You didn't get all hot and bother 
she asks in a way that makes it hard to 
tell what the right answer is, so I stick 
with the truth, which in the last couple of 
hours has kept me in the most trouble 
of my life. 

"Yes," I say. "I suppose I did." 

She looks at the wad of money in her 
hand. “Then this is mine,” she says. 71 
earned it. You're going to have to forget 
about the hooker.” 

Joanna doesn't give back my jacket. 
She leaves it on, replaces my mone} 
the pocket, then walks into the living 
room. 1 stand there in the entryway by 
myself for a couple of minutes, trying to 


figure out what to do. The money isn't as 
important to me as the coat, but there's 
something about her wearing the coat 
that also feels pretty important. I like the 
way she looks in it, like a high school girl 
in an oversize letterman's jacket. I want 
it back, but only with her in it. 

“Joanna?” 1 say. 

“In here,” she calls, which of course 1 
already knew. 

1 pad sock-footed into the living room 
to find her ensconced in the familiar, 
overstuffed couch, legs up on the cof- 
fee table and crossed at the ankles. She 
sits beside her perpetually open cur- 
tains, blue yarn in hand, needles click- 


w 


جا ہما لہ AA‏ 


“You got to admire them. It’s been three months now and never 
once have they molested our womenfolk.” 


ing together with that same skin-tingling 
proficiency. 

“Have a seat,” she says, without look- 
ing up. 

I survey my choices, which include a 
couple of minimalist chairs across from 
Joanna and the plush ocher carpet. In 
the end, I decide to join her on the op- 
posite side of the couch, beneath the 
haze of an amber lamp. 

“It's too bad we have to meet under 
these circumstances,” she offers. 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Your father always speaks so highly 
of you.” 

“Oh yeah? What does he say?” 

She does this thing where she stops 
knitting for a second and coaxes a bunch 
of stitches down the length of one nee- 
dle; I look away, worried about an invol- 
untary reaction. 

“He says you're smart and responsible 
and that you don't hold a grudge.” 

“1 do Бод a grudge,” I tell her. 

She shrugs and says, "Don't get mad— 
get even." 

“Is that what you're going to do 

“I'm going to file a complaint with the 
Consulate. This is sexual ha: nent. 
He'll have to face some kind of discipli- 
nary action.” 

“Won't they just say that you were ask- 
ing for it since you were dating him?” 

“I didn't ask to be peeped at.” 

“What about your curtains? Won't 
they say you should've had them closed?" 

“Your ideas aren't very advanced,” 
she says. 

1 don’t have an answer. She's probably 
right. “Can I have some more vodka?” 
Task 

She nods. “It's in the freezer." 

1 get up from the couch. “Would you 
like some?” 

“Sure.” 

In the kitchen, I note the torn ticket 
stubs from the Concertgebouw affixed to 
the freezer door with magnets. After 
ing the glasses Joanna and I used carlı 
1 quickly drain mine and refill it before 
heading back into the g room. “Just 
set it on the coffee table,” she says about 
her drink, still not looking at me. 1 nod 
and use Dutch Vogue as a coaster. 

Instead of returning to my corner of 
the couch, 1 choose the middle cushion 
this time, the vodka making me think 1 
have nothing to lose. 1 turn toward her 
and say, “You know, my father was going 
to propose to you.” 

At last she stops knitting and looks at 
me. "What?" 

“He was going to ask you to marry 
him tonight.” 

“But we've only been dating a few 
weeks.” 

“He always does this,” I say. “Jumps 
the gun.” 

“Jesus,” Joanna murmurs, reaching 
for her drink. “I wonder if I would've 
said yes.” 

“No,” 1 say, 


you wouldn't have. 1 


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wouldn't have let you.” 

“Gregor,” she says, “I liked your fa- 
ther. I liked working with him, I liked 
going to the symphony with him, I liked 
ping with him. I might've said yes." 
You slept with him?” 

“Thats who I was thinking about 
when I touched myself last night,” she 
says quietly. “Arshad.” 

1 get up and walk over to the window, 
needing to shake all this off. “Wow,” I 
say. “Those are just about the worst 
things you could've told me.” 

“Why?” 

I look down at my father's apartment 
and see his bedroom curtains open, just 
as Пећ them. The telescope isn't so easy 
to spot in the daylight, but I'm pretty 
sure I can make it out. “Because,” I say, 
“now I can't think about you and your 
knitting needles anymore.” 

“When did you think about them be- 
fore?” she asks, 

“This morning, in the shower.” 

“Never mind,” she says. "I'm sorry I 
asked. 

“Hey, 1 paid you for that, fair and 
square.” 

Jan we please not talk about this?” 
“I was overcharged,” I tell her, unable 
stop myself. 
She goes quiet for a moment, then 


” 1 say. “ICS just 
that it was only, you know, the one time.” 

She doesn't answer me. 

1 turn away from the window to look 
at her. “Can 1 have some of my money 
back?’ 

“Are you going to use it to get a 
hooker?” 

“No,” 1 say. “I want to change my 
plane ticket and leave early. I hate it 
here.” 

She sets her empty glass back down on 
the coffee table. “That's too bad.” 

I watch then as she picks up her knit- 
ting and gets back to work. Neither of us 
is particularly jarred when the phone 
rings, nor when my father’s voice comes 
over the answering machine: “Joanna?” 
he says, with the Y. “Are you there? Pin 
worried about Gregor, I keep calling 
my apartment, but he doesn't answer. 
I'm afraid he’s harmed himself. Joanna? 
Maybe you could go over and ring my 
doorbell or something. I wonder where 
you аге. Oh boy. Neither of you is home. 
‘That makes me worry. Г guess ГИ сай 
it a day here. 1 hope he defrosted that 
chicken.” 

My father hangs up and I say, “He 
thinks that sweater is for him.” 

“It was," Joanna says. 

I look down at her lap. The piece of 
wool that was meant for his midsec- 
¡on lies draped across her like a baby's 
blanket. “Why are you still knitting it? 
1 ask her. 

“Come back and sit dow 

“No,” 


she says. 
I say, turning back to the win- 
"I'm waiting for him." 


“What's going to happen to us?” she 
ants to know. 

“What do you mean?” 

“When he comes home.” 

“Nothing,” 1 say. “We live here and he 
lives over there.” 

“You know what he said to me last 
week?” 

“What?” 

“He said, ‘Joanna, I wish you would 
shut the drapes in your living room. The 
Dutch are famous for peeping.” 

“He isn't Dutch,” I remind her. 

“I think he'd like to be," she says. “I 
think he'd like to be anything other than 


LX 


We don't say anything for a ie 
while, until suddenly 1 notice my father 
in his bedroom window, looking irritat- 
ingly small and alone. 1 guess we proba- 
bly see each other, though neither of us 
acknowledges this. After a moment, he 
closes his white chiffon curtains. 

“Let's close the curtains 
Joanna. 

“Why?” she says. 

“Because,” I say, tugging the pulley at 
the side of the window frame, “we're not 
a display case. What we do is not for 
public consumption.” 

“What до we do?" she says. 

1 sit back down on the couch with her, 
even closer this time, my left thigh push- 
ing up against her right one. I ache for 
her blue blanket to cover us both. 

“Are you cold?” she asks. “Would you 
like your jacket back?” 

"No," Í say. 

She stops knitting momentarily and 
fingers the embroidered patch on her 
chest. “Who's Maynard?" she ask: 

“My roommate. He's a mechani 

“Г had no idea that boys shared 
clothes.” 

“We don't, really. I just took 

“Maybe you could get one with your 
пате on it.” 

“That wouldn't be cool.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because,” 
Maynard.” 

"Is he а good mechanic?" she a 

“He's a good two-stepper,” | tell her. 
“Have you ever two-stepped?” 
"М? 
Me neither. 1 just watch Maynard 


1 say to 


I say, “it’s better to be 


Isn't that the dance where you go 
around т a circle?” 

“Yeah. Except the girl is always mov- 
ing backward, she can't see where 
she's going. It’s the man's job to make 
sure she doesn't run into anyone and 
hurt herself.” 


hallow breathing—the same an- 
imal sound that used to escape him each 


time he pummeled my sister. The tape 
cuts out before he can hang up, and it oc- 
curs to me that he'll never have any 
last words. 

I catch Joanna's eye then and feel my- 
self wanting to press up against her, to 
find out if she would have me free of 
charge. Because she’s the one I want, 
this woman who's been undone by my 
father, whose eyes rain down onto the 
knitting in her lap, returning the smell 
of wet sheep. 

“Joanna,” I say, “can I have my money 
back?” 

‘Are you leaving now?" she says, wi 
ing her eyes a little. “Please don't | 

"I'm not leaving,” I assure her, and 
she lets me reach inside Maynard's pock- 
et to retrieve the roll of bills. 

“Do you want your jacket back, too?” 
she asks nervously. 

^] just want to take it off you," I say, 
and she lets me set the knitting aside and 
ease her out of the sleeves. 

“I might stop you,” she warns. * 
stop, you have to stop. 

I nod and finger the buttons on her 
tight blouse, popping them open with 
just my touch. She leans forward a li 
tle so 1 can unhook her bra, then raises 
her hips minimally to assist me in lower- 
ing her jeans. As 1 roll her underwear 
down her thighs, the leg holes twist them- 
selves into satin rings, blatantly expos- 
ing the cotton crotch and all its signs 
of welcome. 

She curls herself into the corner of the 
couch then, crossing her arms in front 
of her as 1 stand and take off my own 
clothes. From my wallet I produce a rub- 
ber, which 1 offer to her as an induce- 
ment to help me out a little. She doesn't 
accept. "Should I stop?" I ask her. 

She shakes her head. "No. Just, you 
do all the work." 

I nod and roll the Durex on myself, 
then sit down beside her on the couch. 1 
tug at her wrists and she allows this, her 
arms falling gently to reveal high, point- 
ed breasts. I pull her onto my lap and 
feel her helping ever so slightly to get 
her legs straddled, to raise her hips, to 
lower herself at such an angle as to soak 
me up on the way down. I prefer it t 
way. With Professor Devine it was as if I 
was paralyzed, the way she'd tug at my 
zipper, pull me out, then tuck me Бас! 
again when it was over. Even her breast 
was an allotment, lifted by her own hand 
and placed in my mouth. 

But here, with Joanna, 1 take m 
alternating between a pair of opalescent 
nipples. I scoop my hands beneath her 
thighs, separating the two halves of her 
so that I'm in as deep as she'll allow. Lat- 
er, when I pull her face toward my own, 
when her sweet yellow h: 
my mouth along with her shimmering 
tongue, not even the banging on the 
front door can make me let go. 


If Tsay 


|| 'Gpenhag 


LONG 


USAS Smokeless | | 


TOBACCO CO, 


PLAY S 3 2 


152 


SKATE KINGS 


(continued from page 128) 
agreements. Thankfully, I got help from 
Tony Buyalos. He owns Shorty's, the 
company that Muska made the most 
popular brand in the biz. 

Muska was signed to Shorty's in mid- 
1996 at $5000 per month and five bucks 
a board after a minimum 1000 boards. 
These were big numbers. Companies usu- 
ally paid $2000 to $3000 a month and 
$2 per board, though some hot names 
were paid signing bonuses as high as 
$100,000. For coming to Shorty's, the 
Muska got a tricked-out new Toyota 
4Runner. In true Muska fashion, he 
didn't even get it home—or insured— 
before he totaled it. 

“We caught alot of shit for making this 
size offer to an unproven pro,” Buyalos 
says. “1 guess we got the last laugh.” 

According to Buyalos, Shorty's Chad 
Muska Pro Silhouette model deck, which 
features ashadow representation of Mus- 
ka sitting on a curb wearing headphones, 
sold “shitloads.” Store managers told me 
that the board reportedly sold more than 
20,000 copies per month for about two 
years straight, and still sells today. If this 
is true, during that two-year run alone 
Chad's cut would be over $2 

It doesn't stop there. He has several 
other board models. "He's still among 
the top five people who sell boards,” says 
his Shorty's team manager, George Na- 
gai. Then there are shoes. Campbell and 
Dyrdek both estimate that a top shoe will 
bring a round $300K per year. 
Chad Mu gnature shoe made a 
grip for éS Footwear. And Muska gets 
another bonus from Four Star Distribu- 
tion for Circa Footwear. He ownsa piece 
of the company, gets top price per pair 


and designs the shoes himself. Two of 
the three Chad Muska Circa shoes es 
ploded at the outset of 2000, and Circa i: 
now the most populai i 
Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst, for instance, is 
often seen in a Circa shirt, and he and 
Muska have talked about future projects. 

You can see where this is going. Some- 
body else throws him a heap of cash to 
start Ghetto Child wheels. Then they ex- 
pand it to clothing. He not only gets a 
süpend like he does from his other cloth- 
ing sponsor, TSA—perhaps $5000 per 
month—but he also owns a piece of 
Ghetto Child. Factor in his cut of Tony 
Hawk's Pro Skater game, his posters, his 
calendars, his autographed turds—you 
name it 

“Chad has a Ph.D. in skateboarding: 
poor, hungry and driven,” says Buyalos. 
“He has proved to me that skaters can 
make a great living and even retire off a 
successful skateboarding career without 
selling out.” 

“I pretty much moved out of my 
house when I was 13 years old,” Muska 
says. He talks incredibly fast. He wears 
a look like he's fighting to hold back a 
reservoir of unsorted stuff. “I've been 
living on my own since then, doing my 
thing. Skating just always led me to dif- 
ferent people where 1 could stay and do 
my thing. Living in Vegas and Arizona 
you get some people coming in and out 
of town, and once in a while, some tour, 
you say "What up.’ You try to bust out in 
front of them, but then they're gone. So 
to come up 1 had to go to Cali.” 

Gradually facts emerge. Muska was 
born in Ohio to a biker dad and tecnage 
mom. Alter they split up, Chad divided 
his time between his mom's place in Ve- 
gas and his dad's place in Phoenix. His 
hard-partying folks, he says charitably, 


“I loved the little mutt, but he was wearing a wire!” 


were “young parents.” Skateboarding 
kept him out of the house and out of 
harm’s way. In 1990 he left for good. 

The Vegas 5 
took him 
own family,” he says. "At that time, if you 
skated you were, like, instant 
You can have a whole group of friends 
that are mad tight and all come together 
and kick it.” 

At 15 Muska moved to California, the 
skateboarding capital of the world, to 
“come up.” He caught a ride in from 
Vegas with two gamblers and ended up 
on Pacific Beach in San Diego, where 

stayed, homeless, for three years. 

didn't happen quick-like with skati 
“I was in PB just lurking, hus- 
tling on the beach." A shattered ankle re- 
quired metal pins and plates and two 
years to heal. He was too young to work 
or get an apartment. He'd either charm 
the occasional tourist girl for a place to 
crash or try to pass out on purpose at 
parties. Most of the time it meant getting 
drunk enough to sleep on the sand near 
the roller coaster with his friends. They 
called themselves the AF Crew, for Al- 
ways Faded. 

Muska didn't do anything new, he just 
did it big. Word got out that there was 
toner who would throw himself 
down any rail or off any drop. His hook 
was more stylistic: The Muska is what 
Kid Rock or Fred Durst wish they were. 
He came to the sport with a weirdly au- 
thentic white hip-hop steez. Cameras 
love him. Every photo you've ever seen 
of the Muska has him poised and cool, 
20 feet in the air over some staircase or 
rail, with the board flipping beneath his 
feet and a huge wildstyle boombox in 
the background. He was always stoned 
and always rocking the right basketball 
jersey, leather, shades, headbands and 
wristbands in the Nineties when no one 
was wearing them anymore. When Limp 
Bizkit and Korn and Kid Rock and oth- 
er white thug rockers exploded, Muska 
was there looking the part. 

“I remember 1 got my first $100 bill 
from Charlie Watson at Maple Skate- 
boards,” says Muska. “1 went straight to 
the beach and bought an eighth of chron- 
ic for 60 bucks. 1 got a burrito from a 
shop and then a 40. I fu g loaded a 
bowl right on the beach wall 
ing bike cop rolled up on me, took 
my weed and wrote me a ticket. Broke 
again. I was so pissed.” 

His friend Jamie Thomas soon pulled 
him into the first Toy Machine team, 
which ended in disaster. The rest of the 
team were, he says, “straightedge vegan 
dudes.” On demo tours Muska sat in the 
back of the bus drinking 40s by himself 
and haranguing them. At the botched 
premiere of their video Welcome to Hell, 
Muska got wasted and told team legend 
Ed Templeton not to use his part in the 
film. Eventually, they fired him. 

For Shorty's, the problem child was a 


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gold mine. They wanted to expand be- 
yond making only skate accessories, and 
Muska was the guy they were looking 
for. The Silhouette board hit in 1997, 
and the next year Muska was Street 
Skater of the Year in the Transworld Skate- 
boarding reader poll. 

Not that it changed anything. His 
best-known magazine ad for Shorty’s 
featured him standing over his mangled 
4Runner. At least three other ads from 
Shorty's have been censored by Trans- 
world Skateboarding. Muska is constantly 
pushing the limits of what the sanitized 
“action sports industry” will tolerate. He 
avoids almost all of their events. Shortly 
after our conversation, he sold the emp- 
ty house Woodland Hills and moved 
his belongings into a small crowded 
room at his private skatepark near Simi 
Valley. His day consists of skating and 
making drum-and-bass compositions 
He's planning on releasing his album, 
Muskabeats. Private park or no, he still 
won't skate parks or contests. 

“They can build as many skateparks as 
they want,” he says. “I don’t want to be 
confined in a box and told where to go, 
man. 1 like to just skate down Hollywood 
Boulevard and watch all the fucking psy- 
chos lurking in the streets. Just skating 
and having fun. That's when I'm I 
out there seeing shit.” 


PISS DRUNX INTERLUDE NUMBER TWO 


Т catch up to Andrew Reynolds out- 
side the Skatepark of Tampa during the 
Sunday finals. He is tall and thin and 
looks ashen and disheveled. “I'll do your 
interview, but not today,” he says in a 
quavering voice, “Гуе been drinking too 
much.” He looks away over the lush veg- 
etation in the ditch alongside the road. 
Then, without any prompting, he says, 
“I mean, I'm probably going to drink 
tonight, but I'm not going to get wasted. 
I'm just going to chill.” 

KAREEM CAMPBELL: BIG BALLER 

Age: 27 

Home: Woodland Hills, California. 

Signature: rap star stilo. 

Breakthrough video part: World In- 
dustries' video New World Order. 

Companies: City Stars skateboards, 
Axion Footwear, Orion trucks, Ricta 
wheels, Alphanumeric Clothing, Reflex 
bearings, Nixon watches. 

His friends call him Reemo. He's just 
about the nicest guy you'd ever want to 
meet, and everybody in skating says so. 
He has a preschooler named Kareem Jr, 
or Little Reemo. He also takes care of an 
entourage of family and protégés—kids 
he's bringing up skating, talent he's pro- 
ducing lor hip-hop albums, and athletes 
he's pushing in basketball. He likes his 
role. He's Big Daddy. 

On his City Stars te These kids 
are young, you know? Sixteen years old, 
pulling down a couple Gs a month, all 


expenses paid—just to skate? 1 advise 
them to live a little. See the world while 
the situation lasts.” 

On watching a УН! show about Suge 
Knight and Snoop Dogg: “One thing 
about Suge is, he takes care of a whole 
gang of motherfuckers. Suge's spread- 
ing itaround. When you ask a man for 
$5 and he gives you $100, no questions 
asked, you know he cares about you.” 

On the different sects among skate- 
boarders: "Nowadays, they say you're 
either ‘hesh’ or ‘fresh.’ That means basi- 
cally either a punk metal dude or hip- 
hop. And then there's the straightedge 
cats and the whole Midwest redneck 
thing. But in reality, we're all hand in 
hand. We're telling the kids, "Ве free, 
be you.” 

Campbell's house in Woodland Hills is 
his “playhouse.” He originally bought it 
for his mom, and now he's converting it 
into a recording studio. He has a condo 
in Fullerton, a place in New York and 
another place he bought for his mom 
in Arkansas. The playhouse looks like 
your average college house but better 
equipped. There are two deep couches 
in front of a 48-inch TV and giant spcak- 
ers. The heat is roaring and the ashtrays 
are full. Crates of vinyl are stacked aga 
the wall, and people are milling in 
out. A cousin is going out to buy gro- 
ceries and Campbell flips him some bills. 
Another guy materializes from where he 
was sleeping in the studio. There are 
computers and faxes and shit lying every- 
where, and the phone rings off the hook. 

“It's like this constantly,” he says, un- 
plugging the phone. 

Campbell grew up in Harlem, near 
the Apollo Theater. He sold drugs. 
washed car windows and hustled in the 
streets for money. His mom ran away 
from his dad and moved to Los Angeles. 
Young Kareem split his time between 
the two. He didn't like LA but learned 
to get along there on South La Cienega 
Boulevard. "1 was going to jail,” he says. 
“I was one of those cats—if you saw me, 
you probably would've looked the oth- 
er way or walked across the street.” He 
started skating because he noticed that 
the police didn't connect drug dealing 
with skateboarding, and he'd never be 
hassled. His friends, among them future 
pro Daniel Castillo, started skating Ven- 
ice. They met the Powell crew there, and 
a friend brought him the Powell video 
Ban This. That's when Campbell first saw 
pro rider Ray Barbee and thought, Shit, 
black people skate pro? Not long after, 
Campbell was invited to skate his first 
contest in Santa Barbara, where Barbee 
himself invited him to be on Powell. 

Like Muska, it was Campbell's person- 
al style that got him as much notice as 
his skating did. When he came along 
in 1991, skating was still definitely hesh 
(short for hessian). Campbell was among 
the first to go fresh. He signed on with 


board company World Industries just as 
it became the dominant force in skating 
He was the company's claim to authen- 
ticity as the entire industry became hip- 
hop. The numbers started to pop: the 
pro model board, the shoe with 
co-ownership of Orion trucks and 
wheels and skating for the influential 
Alphanumeric Clothing (“the Environ 
Mental Protection Company”). Every- 
body ducks the specifics, but when I ask 
him if a skater with those kinds of com- 
makes half a million a year, he 
Easy." 
his subscription to luxury maga- 
zine the Robb Report: “When Hook atit, I 
see fut 

His reaction when 1 bad-mouth Em- 
inem: “E talk а lot with 
through some he 

Kareem Campbell slide: nd out of 
hard-to-reach worlds of celebrity and 

istocracy like he 
was born to it, because he was. He has 
family that works for hip-hop newsheet 
Rap Pages. His cousin had a deal with Co- 
lumbia Records. Another cousin helped 
set up Wu-Tang Clan. You can't name 
someone he hasn't met with, like, just 
yesterday. He takes nothing for granted, 
because at any time he's likely to have his 
roots slapped in his face. 

“I would go to the skatepark with the 
World team, but the shop owner, not 
knowing who I was, would say, ‘Hold up, 
you have to рау,” he says softly 

Campbell's empowerment program 
involves owning the companies himself. 
After some tension at World, he talked 
it into letting him start his own compa- 
ny team under the World umbrella. Af- 
ter a few name changes, from Menace to 
Alll City, he has his own company and 
team called City Stars, and so far so 
good. Soon he'll take his interests full 
circle with his own recording label, City 
Stars Records. 

The huge money now in skating has 
made too many of the skaters into “tight- 
asses,” he says. They're more interested 
n competition and deals than the life. 
Stuff like the X Games and huge video 
game deals don't help. “Once it gets 
about greed, it gets about guarantees,” 
he says. “Then there ain't no life in it 
anymore. Not in the skating, not in the 
life, not in none of this. You just got to 
chill." 


DRUNX INTERLUDE NUMBER THREE 
“What? Yeah, I just got up," says An- 
drew Reynolds into his cell phone at one 
PM. “I guess I got to go look for a new 
apartment or something. Let me call you 
in, like, an hour." Several weeks go by. 


Signature: the world's best backside 
360° flip, all-around contest winner. 


Breakthrough video part: the first 
Alien Workshop video, Memory Screen. 

Companies: Alien Workshop skate- 
boards, DC Shoes, Red Bull, Orion 
trucks and Reflex bearings. 

“Is that your friend, the one over 
there with the beanie?” says one of the 
girls at Mons Venus. She motions in the 
direction of Rob Dy rdek. * “Не sure does 
like to talk some sl 

Dyrdek likes to drop the most oddly 
reprocessed ghetto slang. It fi 
his mouth every which way. H 


ed-up Midwestern wigger with a quick 
wit. When you're with him уоште going 
to have fun. He's confrontational, always 


“PLAYBOY? Pm НА in there!” he says the 
me Г call 

“That's what they might call being ex- 
tended,” he says of his huge diamond 
necklace in the shape of the Alien Work- 
shop logo. 

“Live your life,” he says when he dis- 
agrees with someone. 

Following the Sunday finals at the 
Skatepark of Tampa, he doesn't have 
anything clever to вау. He has a legend- 
ary temper and is famous for abandon- 
ing contest heats that go badly. He'll go 
raight to the airport and leave town 
out a word to anyone. Rob Dyrdek 
skates contests. Winning contests gives 
him the right to talk, the right to be Rob 
Dyrdek, and when I see him he's sulking. 

“Dude, Lam so devastated right now,” 
he says. “Eleventh place? I was feeling it 
this year: 1 really wa 

John Lennon said that a working class 
hero is something to be, and Dyrdek is 
the modern suburban equivalent. Dyr- 
dek is talented, but he's successful most- 
ly because he wants it so badly. Unlike 
Muska or Campbell, he came up skating 
contests and demos rather than being an 
t video head or stylish trendsetter, 
Skate mag editors and others have often 
attributed his fierce competitiveness to 
the fact that he is short. Whether or not 
this has anything to do with it, Dyrdek 
exhaust you. He'll outskate you, out- 
drink you, out-hip-hop you, out-what- 
ever you. His up-and-running record 
label, P-Jays Records, puts out the real 
hip-hop by DJ Greyboy (the latest, Unda 
Attack). He represents the superheroic 
potential in every dirty mall lurker who 
ever scored a free board in a contest 
product-toss (he got his from Neil Blen- 
der) and learned to throw down. 

But it's weird to think of Rob Dyrdek 
caring about what happens in contests. 
What he's known for nowadays is floss- 
ing—he never takes off his huge dia- 
mond necklace. “It’s this weird taboo not 
to floss,” he says. “Butas I'm getting old- 
er, | want to represent skateboarding 
to where your average person is, lik 
"Wow.' You see Kareem, you think he 
а rap star. А lot of the skateboarde! 
who make money are afraid to show it 


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because they're supposed to be core.” 
Dyrdek likes his ice. He has a fat dia- 
mond ring from his shoe company in 
the shape of the letters DC. He likes 
nice clothes. He has a house in San 
Diego filled with collectible furniture 
and a private skatepark from which he 
runs P-Jays. He also has a place in Holly- 
wood with his teammate Anthony Van 
Engelen. He's made a point of appear- 
ing with his cars in enthusiast zines like 
Toy Machine Racing. He's on the cover of 
the March 2001 Big Brother, sliding a rail 
past the aforementioned $80,000 silver 
Benz—the rims alone cost him $14,000— 
with a bikini-clad model named Bronze 
holding a stuffed leopard on a leash. 
“You see a scrawny dude step out of a 
Benz, people stare and think, This kid's 
got to be a drug dealer,” he says. He 
smiles at the association 
Dyrdek started clawing ahead at the 
age of 11, when two guys from his home- 
town of Dayton, Ohio—Mike Hill and 
Chris Carter—put him on flow for G&S. 
They were in California, but he stayed in 
Dayton. He was an ambitious, wiry grom 
coming up amid a scene that included 
bands like the Breeders, Guided by Voic- 


es and the Method. Cow Skates Distrib- 
uting was in Dayton. The constant influx 
of pros made it what Dyrdek calls “the 
most cored-out skateboarding town out- 
side of California.” 

When Carter and Hill quit G&S to 
start their own company in Dayton, 15- 
year-old Dyrdek was deep in the mix. 
‘The office was five minutes from his par- 
ents’ house. He was in the meeting 
where they developed the name Alien 
Workshop, which is now one of the most 
popular boards in America. 

“I turned pro at 16, I'm done,” he says, 
“even though at the time 1 wasn't mak- 
ing a dime. My first check, at Christmas 
1991, was for $2. I sold one board, I got 
$2. And I needed the money, so 1 cashed 
it.” He did make some concessions, how- 
ever. "I promised my mom I'd take а 
night class to get my GED, so I did that.” 

At 16, he went to the World Champi- 
s in Europe and took fourth in his 
first contest. Now, at 27, he's still bang- 
ing away at the season opener in ‘Tz 
when guys like Campbell sit on the s 
lines just to represent for their younger 
team members. 

But when you floss and you talk shit 


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and you party, you have to back it up. 
There's nothing worse than being the 
guy with a two-pound rope of gold 
around his neck who just took the last 
beer and who can't skate. This code is vi- 
ciously enforced in skateboarding, and 
because Dyrdek is living larger than life, 
he's set himself up as prime Гог the take- 
down. It scems like there's always somc- 
one there with a camera when you're 
at your worst—like Big Brother's video 
Boob, on which Dyrdek is captured slow- 
ly passing out after horking a nitrous 
balloon. There also are vaguely embar- 
rassing images in a Big Brother layout of 
Dyrdek running around in a cowboy hat 
and a holster. Well, as Texas’ own Butt- 
hole Surfers once said, "It's better to 
regret something you have done than 
something you haven't." 

A couple years ago, Dyrdek woke up 
as an established veteran in the world of 
skateboarding. He was 23. He realized 
that drinking every night was causing a 
lot of injuries and taking a heavy toll on 
his businesses and his skating. So he hired 
accountants to pay the bills and run the 
companies. That left just drinking and 
skating. He built himself a private skate- 
park he calls the Training Facility. The 
focus has paid off. After 15 years in the 
business, Dyrdek is blowing up. 

“I got four action figures right now,” 

5 ng the companies ће 
пр and teams he is managing. 
the first line of skateboarding 
s company is doing. You sit т 
this scanner, and they do a 360 scan of 
your head. Then it pumps out this wax 
molding of your face. It looks dead-ass 
like you." 

Action figures could be the ultimate 
ego tip, but not for Dyrdek. As he's said 
in every interview he's done in the past 
few years, “I'm still the skateboard- 
er Гуе always been.” Skateboarding 
won't let him be anything else. 

“If I'm skating down the street, you 
see the same 15-year-old kid skating the 
same ledge,” he says. “Vou don't see that 
there's a guy stepping out of a Benz 
rocking jewelry, who owns a hip-hop 
bel and all these companies, has action 
figures and travels the world for skate- 
boarding. In the streets today, you skate 
till you get kicked out or get a ticket 
It's real.” 


PISS DRUNX FINALE 


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tresses come down and let myself into 
the building. In the elevator, a guy from 
a casting company says, “The skateboard 
guys? I never see anyone go in or out of 
that office. I guess they don't have to 
work much.” 


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Will Ferrell 


(continued from page 124) 
seven Jeopardy categories? 
FERRELL: Who is the best-looking man in 
America? Potent Potables—you always 
have to have that. Musicals That Star 
Midgets. Fast Cars. Foods That Begin 
With /. Asian Capitals. Prosthetic De- 
vices. Jewish Sports Stars. 


16 


вы лувоу: Invite five people, from all of 
the SNL casts to a luncheon. 

FERRELL: John Belushi, and maybe Jim, 
too, so he doesn't feel bad. Dan Aykroyd, 
because he's my all-time favorite. I was a 
big Christopher Guest and Harry Shear- 
er fan, too; they're unsung, in a way. 
Let's make them one. Га invite Steve 
Martin, even though he wasn't a cast 
member, but he hosted so many times 
And Terry Sweeney, because he was the 
only openly gay person. ГА like to get 
into the persecution: Was it tough? 
[Laughs] No, not really. 


17 


PLAYBOY: If you could grant Lorne one 
wish, what would it be? 

FERRELL: A 40-inch vertical leap, so he 
could pursue his dream of playing in 
the МВА. 


18 


PLAYBOY: How much Saturday Night Live 
memorabilia do you keep at the house? 

FERRELL: None. My mom made a big deal 
about holding on to all my scripts. I have 
this big stack. l'm not a memento guy, 
yet I know, I have this sickening feeling, 
I'm going to look back and think, Why 
didn't I take a little photo here or a keep- 
sake from there? My children will be 
like, “Really? You were on that show? 
And you didn't keep anything?” May- 
be ПІ start stealing stuff, one thing per 
show, on the advice of PLAYBOY 


19 


PLAYBOY: You're one of the few guys 
who's been cinematically romantic with 
Molly Shannon—and felt her up. т 
mattress terms, what was it like? 
FERRELL: Definitely firm. Real. Real and 
firm. 


20 


PLAYHOY: Lorne Michaels has called you 
“the glue” of the show. What kind of 
glue are you? 

FERRELL: Very sticky, which is good if 
you're glue. I'm not quite like Elmer's, 
which is more elementary school. I'm in- 
dusuial strength. You can smell it. You 
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WAR ZON E (continued from page 120) 


“T want to make rock stars and heroes of Xbox game 
creators,” says Blackley, who could have a huge hit. 


download. One possibility: If your fa- 
vorite football team changes lineups in 
midseason, you'll be able to download 
the newer starting team, complete with 
uniforms and updated statistics. 

The Xbox’ capabilities did not, howev- 
er, preclude a major obstacle: the reluc- 
tance of game developers to waste time 
with an unknown system that, if critics 
are correct, may not survive. If devel- 
opers chose not to create games for the 
system (a factor that contributed to the 
failure of Sega's Dreamcast), it would vir- 
tually guarantee the Xbox' demise. 

To lure game developers, Blackley 
and his team hit the road. They repeat 
edly faced the same questions: Can Mi- 
crosoft do this right? Can Microsoft, the 
suit-and-tie company behind the boring 
products you use at work, create some- 
thing fun? 

In the end, Blackley’s passion and the 
system's impressive specs paid off. Big 
names such as Electronic Arts, Capcom 
and Konami pledged allegiance. Lorne 
Lanning, the head of Oddworld Inhabi- 


tants, was so convinced of Xbox’ poten- 
tial that he canceled the PlayStation 2 
version of Munch's Oddysee (the highly 
anticipated third installment of his Odd- 
world series) and is developing the game 
as an Xbox exclusive. 

The companies that signed on to cre- 
ate content for the Xbox quickly learned 
that Microsoft had its own unique ap- 
proach to game development. “When 
we created games for other companies,” 
says Martyn Chudley, chief executive of 
zarre Creations, “we were usually as- 
signed one tester who played the game 
until he ran into a problem. Then it was 
up to us to try to re-create it.” 

At Microsofi, a company accustomed 
to run applications through exten- 
sive evaluations, the procedure is much 
more intense. Chudley's Project Gotham 
Racing was assigned focus groups, in- 
house assistants from Microsoft and 10 
specially trained testers. After complet- 
ing a build of the game, Chudley sent it 
off to Xbox headquarters along with its 
source code. In exchange, Microsoft sent 


“They were caught thanking each other too much 
for Thanksgiving.” 


Chudley's team a split-screen video that 
allowed them to track any glitches. One 
view showed the game screen while a 
tester played. The other view showed 
the tester's hands on the controller. 

“The ference is that they know 
the programming language.” Chudley 
explains. “They tell us what they were 
doing when the error occurred and then 
explain exactly what was wrong in the 
source code and how we can fix it.” 

Even as testing continues, Project Goth- 
am Racing is an incredible example of 
the muscle inside the Xbox. On-screen, 
Chudley races a TVR Tuscan through 
a photo-realistic re-creation of rain- 
soaked Manhattan. He overshoots the 
corner, fishtails in front of Tower Rec- 
ords and pulls everything together in 
time to power the Tuscan through the 
rest of the turn. 

The game features voice-overs from 
real-life DJs in cach city, and Chudley es- 
timates there will be 60 to 100 songs 
the final game. If that isn't enough, play- 
ers can always rip their own to the Xbox 
hard drive. The in-game DJ will then 
incorporate them into each broadcast, 
even explaining that it’s a “special re- 
quest." It's the perfect Xbox experience. 
Back in Redmond, Blackley couldn't be 
more pleased 

“1 want to make rock stars and heroes 
out of Xbox game creators,” he says. 
“My confidence is in the games 

Blackley could have a huge hit on his 
hands. Many of the Xbox games we've 
seen (Microsoft expects to have about 15 
at launch) hit with a sensory onslaught 
that rivals anything we've played previ- 
ously. The Hollywood-quality animation 
of Oddworld: Munch's Oddysee and the 
adrenaline-filled action of sci-fi shooter 
game Halo (as well as its terrific LAN 
play) demonstrate just how serious he is 
about providing Xbox users with gor- 
geous graphics and engaging game play. 
Other slated titles, such as Madden NFL 
2002, Metal Gear Solid X and Dino Cri 
sis 3 borrow from big-name franchise 
already proven on other systems. Sega 
has announced the development of 11 
Xbox games, including new versions of 
Crazy Taxi, Jet Grind Radio and House 
of the Dead, as well as Sega Sports titles 
NFL 2K2 and NBA 2K2. 

Blackley is so confident that video 
game fans share his vision of the Xbox as 
an amazing game system that he doesn't 
even plan to stick around to watch their 
reactions when it hits the store shelves 
in November. Instead, he has a vacation 
planned. 

What if he comes back to find the 
Xbox sitting in stores, spurned in favor 
of the Nintendo GameCube or Sony 
PlayStation 2? 

“Always remember," he says, "there's 
no company in the world that learns and 
adapts faster than Microsoft.” 


ТТ, m "T m THE 


AUTHORITY TO CHANGE OUR WHISKEY. 


2 AND WE DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM ии. ж & 


PLAYBOY 


162 


ORAL HISTORY 


(continued from page 116) 
and 71 percent of married women re- 
ported giving head. Blow jobs are more 
popular among college-educated whites 
than with any other group. 


LITERARY BLOWS 

Erotic literature played a vital role in 
expanding interest in fellatio, and some 
of the best writing on the topic came 
from women. Here's Anais Nin, in her 
short story The Woman on the Dunes: “She 


licked it sofily, tenderly, lingering over 
the tip of it. It stirred. He looked down 
at the sight of her wide red mouth so 
beautifully curved around his penis. 
With one hand she touched his balls, 
and with the other she moved the head 
of the penis, enclosing it and pulling it 
gently.” 

In 1967, another Frenchwoman, Em- 
manuelle Arsan, took fellatio to new 
depths in Emmanuelle: 

“She explored more and more inti- 
mately, searched, moved forward and 
back, abruptly returned to the end of his 


"Of course I'm glad you're no longer under that horrid 


spell —it's just that sometimes. . . . 


penis, pushed it to the bottom of her 
throat, so deeply that she nearly choked. 
and there, without drawing it, she 
slowly and irresistibly pumped it while 
her tongue enveloped and massaged it.” 

By comparison, American literary 
blow jobs were sea 
cuphemistic. John Updike's 
a blow job in his 1960 novel Rabbit, Run 
caused a sensation—despite his never 
using the term. While he loosened his 
belt in later years, the oral sex in his 
1968 novel Couples remained heady 
“Lazily she fellated him while he combed 
her lovely hair. Mouths, it came to Piet, 
are noble. They move in the brain's 
court. We send our genitals mating 
down below like peasants, but when the 
mouth condescends, mind and body 
marry. To eat another is sacred.” 

A year later Philip Roth’s characters 
frantically grappled with the basics in 
Portnoy's Complaint: 

“Did she really kneel, are you shitting 
me? Did she actually kneel on her knees? 
And what about her teeth, where do they 
go? And does she suck on it or does she 
blow on it, or somehow is it that she does 
both? Oh God. Ba-ba-lu, did you shoot in 
her mouth? Oh my God! And did she 
swallow it right down, or spit it out, or 
get mad—tell me! And who iti 
did she put it in or did you pu 
does it just get drawn in by itself? 


DEEP SUCKING SOUNDS 


It's hard to ignore а 20-foot blow job. 
72 adult film about а 
is deep inside her 
throat, transformed Linda Lovelace into 
a latter-day saint of fellatio. Her penis- 
guzzling talents both glorified the blow 
job and rendered it banal. Was it dirty, 
or was it fun? The best-selling book The 
Sensuous Woman declared it fun: “Oral 
sex is, for most people who give it a try, 
delicious.” 

Over the next two decades, The Joy of 
Sex and the VCR drove the point home. 
By the early Nineties, the blow job no 
longer seemed mysterious. Hugh Grant 
brought the discussion to late-night TV 
when he made the rounds to apologize 
for placing his penis in the unfit orifice 
of a prostitute. He paid a fine of $1180 
(the hooker paid $1350) and his career 
quickly rebounded. 

Three years later, Bill Clinton's confes- 
sion that he had allowed a White House 
intern to blow him recalled medieval 
urgies—and yet his hairspliting over 
whether fellatio constitutes sex was thor- 
oughly contemporary, Speaking on Na- 
tional Public Radio, John Updike sug- 
gested that fellatio is “more intimate 
than intercourse because it involves one's 
head," while in The Guardian, John Ryle 

nton did not have extra- 


ent found himself sand- 
wiched between an older generation that 


revered the blow job for its intimacy and 
a younger one not sure of its value. 
While Monica Lewinsky could be cast as 
a classic Greek hetaera, faithfully lower- 
ing her head to service a powerful penis 
(and preserving its sacred stain), she also 
is a product of the modern fellatio-as- 
petting culture. For many young people, 
blow jobs are a way of having safer sex, 
getting a boyfriend off your back, Кеер- 
ing your virginity, remaining semifaith- 
ful, getting а quick, lubricious thrill with- 
out the bother of removing your clothes, 
and just being cool. Plus, according to 
surveys of high school and college stu- 
dents, it's been decided: A blow job is 
not sex. Right? In 1994 director Kevin 
Smith captured the zeitgeist in his come- 
dy Clerks, in a scene between a video 
store worker and his girlfriend: 

DANTE: You said you only had sex with 
three different guys. You never men- 
tioned him! 

VERONICA: Because 1 never had sex 
with 

DAN fou sucked his dick! 

VERONICA: We went out a few times. We 
never had sex, but we fooled around. 

DANTE: Why did you tell me you only 
had sex with three different guys? 

VERONICA: Because 1 did only have sex 
with three different guys. That doesn't 
mean I didn't just go with people. 

DANTE: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous. 

veronica: I'm sorry, Dante, 1 thought 
you understood. 

DANTE: I did understand! 1 under- 
stood that you had sex with three differ- 
ent guys and that's all you said! 

VERONICA: Please calm down. 

DANTE: How many? 

veronica: Dante— 

panre: How many dicks have you 
sucked? 

VERONICA: Let it go! 

DANTE: How many? 

VERONICA: All right, shut up a second 
and ГИ tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out 
like this when you told me how many 
girls you fucked! 

DANTE: This is different, this is impor- 
tant. How many? 

[Long pause as customer comes to counter 
to buy something} 

DANTE: Well? 

VERONICA: Something like . . . 36. 

DANTE: What? Something like 362 
СА: Lower your voice. 

E: Wait a minute, what is that any- 
way—something like 36? Does that in- 
clude me? 

VERONICA: Ummm . .. 37. 

DANTE: I'm 372 

VERONICA: I'm going to class. 

DANTE: My girlfriend has sucked 37 
dicks! 

CUSTOMER: In a row? 

DANTE: "Iry not to suck any dick on the 
way through the parking lot! 


Browse through a gallery of historic blow 
job art at cyber. playboy.com. 


HOW 


Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where to find this month's 
merchandise. To buy the ap- 
parel and equipment shown 
on pages 21, 24, 30, 40, 
47-48, 118-119 and 179, 
check the listings below to 
find the stores nearest you. 


PLAYBOY AFTER 
HOURS 

Page 21: “Sleeping Around”: Bed by 
Preapli from Verstile, 5695 Boulevard 
des Grandes-Prairies #104, Saint- 
Leonard QC, Canada Н1Е1В3, 514- 
327-6667 or verstile.com. Page 24: 
“Pen and Ink Pal”: Arnold Roth ret- 
rospective from Fantagraphics, fanta 
graphics.com. Page 30: “Lace and 
Leather Man": Knives from Frank- 
lin Mint, 800-THE-MINT or franklin 
mint.com. 


WIRED 

Page 40: "Digital Graffiti": Software 
by Neoku, www.haikuhaiku.net. “Film 
Fights Back": Film processing from 
Applied Science Fiction, www.asf.com. 
“Game of the Month”: Software from 
Electronic Arts, 877-324-2637. “Wild 
Things”: Vest by Scoltevest, 1456 N. 
Dayton, Suite 304, Chicago, IL 60622, 
866-909-8378 or www.scottevest.com. 
Clothing by Dockers, 800-362-5377. 


MANTRACK 

Page 47: “Home Freelander”: Land- 
Rover, 800-FINE-4wD or www.land 
rover.com. “Tan Like a Man”: Self- 
tanners: By Zirh, Davidoff, Lab Series 
and Decleor, at department stores. By 
Geomér, 800-457-2292. By Biotherm, 
888-BIOTHERM or www.biotherm.com. 
Page 48: “W Marks the Spot”: W Ho- 
tel, 877-WHOTELS or whotels.com. 


WAR ZONE 

Pages 118-119: Soft- 
ware: From Tecmo, 800- 
338-0336 or www.tecmo 
inc.com. From Konami of 
America, 1400 Bridge 
Parkway, Redwood City, 
CA 94065, 650-654-5600 
or www.konami.com. 
From Activision, 3100 
Ocean Park Blvd., Santa 
Monica, CA 90405, 310- 
255-2050 or www.activision.com. From 
Microsoft, 425-882-8080 ог www.xbox. 
com. Hardware: By Microsoft, 425- 
882-8080 or www.xbox.com. By Sony 
Computer Entertainment, 800-345- 
7669. By Nintendo, 800-255-3700. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 179: “In From the Cold": Mas- 
sage oil, body rub moisturizer, mus- 
cle rub and massage lotion from 
Kiehl's, 800-543-4571. Massager by 
Quantum Products, 21011 Johnson St., 
Unit 123, Pembroke Pines, FL 33029, 
800-307-7909. Receiver by Sony Elec- 
tronics, 800-222-7669 ог www.sony. 
com. Ultimate TV from Microsoft Web 
TV Networks, 877-858-4628 or www.ul 
timatetv.com. DVDs: Creative Positions 
‘for Lovers, Playboy 2000: The Party Con- 
tinues and Akira, at local music and 
video stores. Cognac by Delamain, 
www.delamaincognac.com. Books: 
From The Sporting News, 800-825- 
8508 or www.sportingnews.com. 
From Hany N. Abrams, www.abrams 
books.com. Snifter from Asprey and 
Garrard, 725 Fifth Ave., New York, 
NY 10011, 800-883-2777 or www. 
asprey-garrard.com. Robe from Sul- 
ha, 888-757-8552. Monopoly game 
from Franklin Mint, Route 1, Franklin 
Center, PA 19091-0001, 800-523- 
7622 or www.franklinmint.com. 


TA HOGIAN! WWW ROGIAN COM. COVER MOOEL ANGELICA BRIDGES. PHOTOGRAPHER. 


EAVIS FACTOMANT мх (төй AGENCY). STYLIST) DEBORAH WARNIN FOR ART MIR (THF nommer, NAIN: CLYDE MAY WOGOLE 


163 


PLAYBOY 


SEX IN CINEMA али age >» 


Give Kidman credit: She is the best actress we have 
who isn’t afraid to explore sexuality. 


Still, there are more examples of 
directors and actors choosing to in- 
clude explicit sex. There was penetra- 
tion in Idiots, by Danish director Lars 
von Trier; Vie de Jesus, by French director 
Bruno Dumont; and Romance, by French 
director Catherine Breillat. In Intimacy, 
the English-language film by French di- 
rector Patrice Chereau that won the top 
award at this year's Berlin Film Festival, 
middle-aged people enjoy fellatio. The 
thriller Killing Me Softly seems to be the 
film currently pushing the boundary 
in Hollywood. Although director Chen 
Kaige says that Heather Graham and 
Joseph Fiennes did not have intercourse 
during their sex scenes, which reported- 
ly involve bondage and sadomasochism, 
he tried not to give too much direc- 
tion while filming those scenes “to see 
if the actors could create that chemistry 
themselves.” 

Amazingly, Baise-Moi was banned in 
France, where soft-core porn is on TV 
every night. Here in America, the fruits 
of a subtler form of censorship became 
evident this year. The hearings held in 
the fall of 2000 by Senators Joe Lieber- 
man and John McCain into the ratings 
system and Hollywood's depictions of 
sex and violence (as well as its marketing 
practices) did not result in legislation, 
but they caused a lot of self-regulation by 
the industry. 

To inure themselves against future 
criticism, the studios resolved that they 
wouldn't market R-rated films to teen- 
agers, advertise R-rated films on teen- 
oriented television programs or in teen 
publications or advertise them on televi- 
sion before 10 at night. 

Consequently, the studios began re- 
leasing fewer R-rated films, which they 
accomplished by cutting or restaging 
provocative scenes in order to get a 


PC-13 rating. In John Stockwell's Crazy/ 
Beautiful, which began as a serious teen 
drama that would be released with an R 
rating, Kirsten Dunst plays a troubled 
teenager who eventually finds her way 
and is redeemed by the love of a good 
man. In one scene, in order to demon- 
strate her I-don't-givc-a-shit attitude, 
she has to shock her boyfriend by walk- 
ing through her father's house naked. 
"That's how it was written, anyway. As we 
now see it, she's wearing panties and a 
belly shirt. The obvious damage is done 
to films with mature subject matter; the 
ated damage is to the reliability 
of the ratings system. Films that contain 
suong material that really should get an 
R—The Fast and the Furious, for exam- 
ple—are being nipped and tucked for 
PG-13 ratings, then surprising parents 
of younger teens who think their kids 
are seeing something appropriate for 
their age 

This year wasn't all heavy lifting. AE 

ter hearing characters in The Sidewalks 
of New York and Made make references 
о “rock star sex,” it was nice to see that 
in Rock Star, Mark Wahlberg, playing a 
wannabe singer who suddenly achieves 
heavy-metal fame, fills his free ime with 
groupies and orgies. In the end, happily, 
he discovers that the girl for him is the 
one who loved him prefame. Of course, 
it helps when that girl is Jennifer Anis- 
ton, who engages in interesting experi- 
mentation of her own as Mark gets his 
shot at stardom. 

Bridget Jones’ Diary was funny and sexy 
and hada generous way of griping about 
the foibles of both men and women. The 
film proved first that, in this day and 
age, a leading lady can weigh all the way 
up to 130 pounds and still look great, 
and second that a male character can be 
a rake and not be regarded as all bad. 


Daniel, the character played by Hugh 
Grant, is a hound and a heartbreaker, 
but his intelligence and charm and wit 
attract Bridget. Even when she's fallen 
for Mark (Colin Firth), who is stolid but 
admirable and, best of all, truly interest- 
ed in her, she maintains a gleam in her 
eye for Daniel. 

Now just for fun, contrast Bridget Jones’ 
Diary, a feminine fantasy film in which 
men are given their due, with What Wom- 
en Want, a feminine fantasy film in which 
men are rudely insulted. Mel Gibson 
plays a man who is able to win the love of 
a good woman only when he undergoes 
a kind of brain adaptation that enables 
him to understand these higher-order 
creatures. So drastic is his transforma- 
tion that he even pretends to be gay (this 
is done briefly, and for a noble pur- 
pose: to let a nice girl down easy. But 
still ). This moment prefigured the 
French farce The Closet, in which a non- 
descript middle-aged male office worker 
claims to be gay in order to survive a 
round of layoffs. This immediately in- 
vests him with an aura that causes peo- 
ple to treat him more warmly and re- 
spectfully. So in these movies, at least, 
the hero is a denatured heterosexual, a 
nd last year's trend of the sexu- 
terested hero (Gladiator, The Pa- 
triot, Cast Away and so on) and even this 
year's movie trend in which the guys are 
vague nerds and simpering weaklings 
(the boyfriends in Charlie's Angels, the 
boy band in Josie and the Pussycats, the 
sidekicks in Tomb Raider.) Thankfully, 
there have been some admirable hetero- 
sexual male role models recently—Jon 
Favreau in Made, Walhberg in Rock Star, 
McGregor in Moulin Rouge, Rock in 
Down to Earth, Jay Hernandez in Crazy/ 
Beautiful, Nicolas Cage in Captain Corelli's 
Mandolin and, yeah, if you insist, Shrek. 
But when the male character in the past 
year who best embodies the liberating, 
Joy-producing, life-enhancing spirit of 
sex is the Marquis de Sade—Geollrey 
Rush in Quills—you know Hollywood 
still has to work out some issues. 


CLOTHES ANDI 
HAVENT SEEN 


Smart Girls 


(continued from page 96) 
Margolis calendar magnet. 

(4) As beloved as your Chris Farley 
DVD and Slayer boxed sets are to you, 
smart girls will sneer at lowbrow taste, so 
better to prominently display a complete 
set of Bruckner symphonies and a well- 
worn Kurosawa collection on DVD. 

(5) Trash the beer bong. It'll be better 
for you in the long run. 


YOU MAY BE IN OVER YOUR 
PUNY HEAD WHEN... 

(1) She figures out 10, 15 and 20 per- 
cent of the tip, both pretax and posttax, 
before you've found the bottom line. 

(2) She answers every question correct- 
ly ona master's-edition Jeopardy. 

(3) She and your dad have an intense 
conyersation about economics that you 
can't begin to understand. 


HOW TO SEEM SMARTER THAN YOU ARE 


(1) Use props. For instance, arrange to 
meet her at a cafe and get there 15 min- 
utes early. Look deep in concentration as 
you attempt to comprehend the prepos- 
terous milieu of Bulgakov's Master and 
Margarita. And when she strolls up, ever 
so rakishly slip off those horn-rimmed 
spectacles and fold them into your breast 
pocket. 

(2) Know obscure facts about obscure 
subjects. Mention casually that you've 
been trying to work out how Proust's liv- 
ing in a room with cork walls influenced 
his prose stylings or whether maple or 
pearwood purling gave better resonance 
to 19th century Italian cellos. But when 
she follows up, for instance, by asking, 
“That's fascinating. Why did Proust live 
in a room with cork walls?” the skill is all 
in the swift dodge. (“Because he liked to 
keep his emotions all bottled up.") 

(3) Read the daily paper—and not just. 
USA Today, and not just the box scores. 

(4) Be prepared. Before you go to that 
trendy Austrian-Cantonese fusion joint 
for dinner, read a few reviews so when 
you sit down, you can make an informed 
suggestion. Better yet, stop by the place 
before and find out where the bathroom 
is, so when she asks, you appear to have 
beena frequent guest. 

(5) Make yourself useful. Even smart 

irls aren't especially mechanically in- 
clined, so fixing her computer printer 
with a nail clipper and a pen cap would 
be a good thing. Assemble her Ikea 
couch with your bare hands. Or tell her 
when she's getting shafted by the local 
auto mechanic. 

(6) Wear good shoes. For one night at 
least, pair your Levi's with some cor- 
dovan, tassel-free and metal-free loafers, 
rather than those ancient Chuck Taylors. 

(7) Be decisive. It's more important 


to her than what's on your bookshelf 


(though you should have a bookshelf). 


When a girl asks what you want to do 


and you say, “I don't know" or “Whatev- 
er you want.” you come across dumb as 
dirt. If a credit card doesn't work at a 
restaurant, have another way to pay 
stead of sitting there astonished. If you 
seem to know what you're doing and act 
confident, you'll look smart and she'll be 
impressed. 


FROM THE MOUTHS OF HIGH-IQ BABES 


"The whole not-going-to-the-doc- 
tor, not-asking-for-directions thing is a 
dumb-guy problem," says Nicole, 34, an 
orthopedic surgeon. "Men think being 
all macho-stoic and refusing to get help 
is a sign of intelligence. It makes their 
lives unnecessarily difficult and it lessens 
their longevity. What confounds me is all 
the extra aggravation guys go through 
spending hours and gallons of gas look- 
ing for someplace or suffering with some 
unspeakable illness for days when all it 
would take is three minutes to pull over 
to a gas station or pick up the phone and 
make an appointment with a doctor. 

“One of the smartest things about smart 
people, men or women, is knowing— 
and admitting—what they don't know. 
So ask for directions when you're lost, 
and go to the doctor when you're sick. 
Oh, and buckle your seat belt. Guys who 
don't buckle their seat belts are dumb.” 

Marika, 31, who has a doctorate in 
Asian languages from Oxford and who 
now runs her own consulting firm, says 
that guys “who try too hard to make me 
feel smart or interesting by making a big 
show of asking all these ridiculous ques- 
tions about consulting and my work in 
Asia—when they don't know the first 
thing about it and don't care—are in 
trouble from the start.” 


MAKING IT A BRAIN-BUSTER NIGHT 


Eventually you're going to find your- 
self browsing with the smart girl in the 
video store. Much as you want to see 
Point Break for the 14th time, the follow- 
ing will have her going home happier. 

The Unbearable Lighiness of Being (1988): 
Directed by Philip Kaufman. Starring 
Daniel Day-Lewis, Juliette Binoche and 
Lena Olin. Adapted from the Milan Kun- 
dera noyel—a smart girl favorite, by 
the way—in which a young Czech doctor 
(Day-Lewis) gets caught up in Sixties 
Czech political turmoil and caught be- 
tween the two women in his life. 

Why she likes it: The emotional co- 
nundrum raised by Olin's and Binoche's 
characters, and for Day-Lewis’ hallow- 
cheeked intellectualism. 

What to say: “I love how Kaufman's 
camera was observant and detached, not 
voyeuristic.” 

How to seize the moment: Ask if you 
can photograph her slinking around 
on a full-length mirror wearing only а 
bowler. Failing that, say that you're so 
madly in love with her that you'll leave 
your wife to be with her. 

Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (1972): 


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166 


Directed by Luis Buñuel. Starring no one 
in particular. A dinner party for six up- 
per-class friends provides the backdrop 
and starting point for a lot of surreal shit. 

Why she likes it: Stinging satire on the 
worthlessness of cultivated society. 

What to say: “Was и А.О. Scott or 
Pauline Kael who said this belongs to 
Buñuel's old age and his second child- 
hood? Either way, 1 completely agree.” 

How to seize the moment: Suggest a 
romp in the woods before you grab your 
postflick dinner. 

Rear Window (1954): Directed by Al- 
fred Hitchcock. Starring James Stewart 
and Grace Kelly. A photographer (Stew- 
art) gets laid up with a broken leg and 
plays Peeping Tom. Lots of commentary 
on “being a viewer” and “cameras” and 
“seeing,” if you must know. 

Why she likes it: The reflexive allego- 
ry on cinema and the viewer. 

What to say: “Doesn't it say everything 
about being isolated yet overstimulated 
in the big city?” 

How to seize the moment: Right as 
you're about to make your move, fling 
open the curtains and turn on all the 
lights. 

‘Nights of Cabiria (1957): Directed by 
Federico Fellini. Starring Giulietta Ma- 
sina. A troubled prostitute roams the 
streets looking for love, and nearly gets 
drowned in the process. 

Why she likes it: The heartbreaking 
struggle of the heroine. 

What to say about it: “You know, after 
this it was all downhill for Fellini.” 

How to seize the moment: Tough call. 
Whatever you do, don't suggest putting 


~ 


her under hypnosis for kinks. 

Howards End (1992): Directed by 
James Ivory. Starring Anthony Hopkins, 
Emma Thompson, Helena Bonham Car- 
ter. English period drama (asleep yet?) 
involving a country house and two sis- 
ters with differing views about how to 
treat the unwashed. 

Why she likes it: Bonham Carter is 
fiery and ill-tempered, while Thompson 
is steely and even-tempered. The smart 
girl likes to be a convincing amalgam. 

What to say about it: “Forster knew 
how to write an ending, didn't he?” 

How to seize the moment: Tell her you 
like her irrational, wild-haired side, too. 


SMART GIRL SMACKDOWN 


A cautionary tale from Jack, 30, a dot- 
com executive: “I dated this woman who 
was incredibly pretty—sort of Natalie 
Portman plus 10 years, six inches and 12 
pounds—and ridiculously bright. She 
had an Ivy League degree in French lit- 
erature, was an editor at a university 
press, decided to get her MBA and be- 
came a hotshot venture capitalist. 

“We went out for about two months. I 
don't think a day went by that she didn't 
tell me how hard it had been for her to 
maintain relationships because her boy- 
friends were intimidated by her intelli- 
gence, and that she was glad that finally 
she'd found someone who was comfort- 
able with her intellect. She claimed she'd 
never dated anyone for more than three 
weeks. 1 thought she was being dramat- 
ic. But then I found out about her dish- 
washer dogma. 

"One night she made dinner for me at 


I 


Pra! 


“So we get his attention. Then what?” 


her place. Now, everybody who has a 
dishwasher has a dishwasher protocol, 
whether consciously or not. Some peo- 
ple like to run it after every meal, and 
some people think you should wait until 
it’s completely full. There are people who 
rinse before loading, others who don't. 

“Liza, on the other hand, had devel- 
oped what she called the dishwasher 
dogma. She was a chess player, so she 
designed her dishwasher-loading ap- 
proach after some Queen's Gambit or 
Indian Defense—some sequence of 
chess moves. So if the dessert plates were 
arrayed in the bottom shelf on the left 
side and the juice glasses were lined up 
on the top shelf on the right side and 
the earth was 34 degrees distant of peri- 
helion, then you put the knives in the 
middle left quadrant of the silverware 
basket. Or something like that. She ex- 
plained the basics to me, and I really 
thought she was being at least half funny, 
so I stuck a glass or something in a weird 
spot for fun, like underneath a colander. 
She took one look at that, and all in the 
space of about three seconds looked like 
she was going to weep, holler and laugh 
out loud. Instead, she just narrowed her 
eyes and said, "You're really just not ca- 
pable of getting this, are you?” 


DENIAL ISN'T A RIVER IN SINGAPORE 


There will always be some men, of 
course, who refuse to acknowledge their 
growing obsolescence. Says Louis, 28, 
a hedge fund analyst: “I'm genuinely 
fascinated by women, and have been 
in love several times. But they will not— 
ever—be more intelligent than men. 
Maybe more cunning, more verbal, more 
interesting. Just not more intelligent.” 

Frankly, that kind of attitude is going 
to get us all into trouble. If the pattern 
holds, we may find ourselves addressing 
the same problems currently faced by 
Singapore. In that enlightened nation, 
older men and high-achieving women 
are being left unmarried in equal num- 
bers. Singapore's 2000 census showed 
that 21 percent ofmen 40 to 44 years old 
with below secondary-level education 
were single, compared with 12 percent a 
decade ago. One Chinese man, quoted 
by the Strails Times newspaper, blamed it 
on the rise of materialistic women: “Sin- 
gapore women are pragmatic. The men 
they want must have more money and 
status in society.” The census showed 
that academic qual ions were a hin- 
drance to marriage: About 30 percent of 
older women who went to college stayed 
single. And the hordes of educated sin- 
gle women are apparently a source of 
concern for the government, which has 
been trying to cajole them into marrying 
and reproducing for the greater social 
benefit. So get out there, and be all you 
can be—the rest is up to her. 


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168 


WHAT 80 THESE 
PEOPLE WANT? 


(continued from page 76) 

As the protesters see it, the IMF is the 
world’s loan shark, providing aid— 
loaded with stipulations—to countries in 
financial crisis. It then busts kncecaps 
with debt. So-called “structural adjust- 
ment programs” systematically favor cor- 
porate profits while protecting sweat- 
shops and allowing, if not encouraging, 
environmental havoc. 

The World Bank is the shark's broth- 
er. Its loan agreements carry the same 
stipulations as IMF loans. The World 
Bank's ostensible purposc is the allevi 
tion of poverty in developing countries. 
Over the years, the lenders in the rich 
countries have generally grown richer 
while poverty has worsened in much of 
the developing world. 

‘The WTO functions as a referee in the 
world of global trade. Tribunals, where- 
in conflicting claims are sorted out, are, 
in the scenario of the protester, just 
gangster-like sit-downs with different 
accents. 

‘These economic organizations have 
muscle. The rulings of the WTO, for ex- 
ample, override legislation everywhere 
in the world. National laws can be deter- 
mined to be “barriers to free trade” by 
this institution—which isn't accountable 
to anyone. Without fear of local political 
opposition, the WTO protects multi- 
nationals that trample environmental 
and human rights in the relentless pur- 
suit of profit. Pollution, sweatshops and 
minimal wages become systematic, say 
the protesters. 

The “Unholy Trinity” outrages many 
different people. The result is the dis- 
tinctive, if scemingly fragmented, ap 
pearance of the movement. Union mem- 
bers in satin warm-up jackets march 


alongside college students with bongo 
drums in a mostly young crowd with fa- 
miliar signs: NO MORE DEATHS FOR DEBT, 
IMF, WORLD BANK. YOU CAN'T HIDE! WE 
CHARGE YOU WITH GENOCIDE. HUMAN NEED, 
NOT CORPORATE GREEI 

At every summit meeting you'll see 
stilt figures, giant papier-maché heads 
fashioncd to look like James Wolfensohn 
(president of the World Bank) and even 
people dressed as sea turtles. What do 
sea turtles have to do with it? In 1989, 
US. environmentalists succeeded in ban- 
ning shrimp imports unless the shrimp 
had been caught in nets equipped with 
relatively cheap turtle excluder devices 
that allow endangered sea turtles to es- 
cape. But in 1996, shrimpers from In- 
dia, Malaysia, Pakistan and Thailand ap- 
pealed to the WTO, saying the U.S. law 
was a barrier to free trade. A WTO tri- 
bunal ruled in their favor and effectively 
nullified the law. The U.S. was threat- 
ened under WTO rules with economic 
sanctions from these four countries if it 
maintained its import restrictions, so in 
1998 the law was repealed. 

Some of the protesters whom I've in- 
terviewed believe that the majority of 
Americans would agree with their poli- 
tics—if only they would listen. President 
Bush, like most of the world leaders, has 
been patronizing at best about the dem- 
onstrators. At the same time, many Bush 
initiatives—especially those regarding 
the cnvironment—have energized a 
broad range of Americans, who have tak- 
en to the streets. In Genoa, conservative 
French president Jacques Chirac, mind- 
ful of the world-changing events of the 
Sixties in Paris, seemed to sense a grow- 
ing global mood when he said, “One 
hundred thousand people don't get up- 
set unless there is a problem in their 
hearts and spirits.” 


“Illegal aliens.” 


JOEL & ETHAN COEN 


(continued from page 74) 
assaulted with all that during the release 
of Blood Simple that it crossed my ra- 
dar. We say no to a lot and we won't do 
television, but you have to do a certain 
amount. 

ETHAN: If they give you millions of dol- 
lars to make a movie, they expect you to 
promote it. You make these movies and a 
year later you have homework. 

JOEL: Watching dailies can be tedious, 
too. Frequently you'll shoot something 
over and over because you're looking for 
a small detail. It can be nothing more 
than an insert, but you'll have to sit 
through hours of dailies with a room full 
of people wondering why you shot an 
hour of a hand holding a coffee cup. 
ETHAN: There's another thing, too. You 
wait around a lot. Mostly you just sit 
around and bullshit during those long 
stretches of waiting. 

JOEL: It takes time to light the scene— 
whatever. 

PLAYBOY: How do you spend the time? 
JOEL: You can gain 20 pounds in six 
weeks, so I try to stay away from the craft 
services table. I used to drink a lot of 
coffee. Ethan still does, but my stomach 
can't take it. I drink a lot of tea. 

PLAYBOY: Have you two ever had a fero- 
cious disagreement? 

JOEL: This seems to disappoint people, 
but no, we haven't. 

ETHAN: Occasionally we get a little testy 
with each other, but that's about the ex- 
tent of it. 

JOEL: We wouldn't be doing this if we had 
ferocious disagreements. We share the 
same fundamental point of view toward 
the material. In fact, the credits on our 
movies don't reflect the extent of our 
collaboration. We take separate credits, 
but we actually do everything together. 
PLAYBOY: Why do you edit under a 
pseudonym? 

ETHAN: Because it would be bad taste 
to have our names on our movies that 
many times, 

PLAYBOY: What's the process? Who sits 
behind the word processor? Who sits be- 
hind the camera? 

ETHAN: We both sit behind the camera. 
We both watch the actors. I tend to be at 
the word processor more because 1 type 
faster. 

JOEL: On the set it's completely equal. We 
talk to the actors and cinematographer 
and designers. Whenever a decision has 
to be made, it’s made by the one of us 
who is closer to the problem, The movies 
really are co-directed. 

ETHAN: After they are shot, it's a mirror, 
in a way. When we're editing, Joel actu- 
ally makes the physical cuts and splices. 
JOEL: Because | have had more practice 
on the machine from when I was ап as- 
sistant editor. But we're editing the mov- 
ies cut by cut together. 


PLAYEOY: How about dreaming up your projects? 

JOEL: We don't do high-concept movies. It's not that one of us 
will say, “Das Bool in a spaceship.” We just talk about ideas. 
ETHAN: It’s impossible to say after the fact whose idea it w: 
Ideas just get expanded and developed, and there's an infor- 
mal discussion until we have the framework to start writing. 
JOEL: Sometimes we just start writing to see where it goes. It 
might start off with, literally, “John Goodman and John Tur- 
turro in a hotel room. 
PLAYBOY: You have said that your next movie, a film adapta- 
tion of James Dickey's To the White Sea, is a silent movie. Why a 
silent movie? 

JOEL: I wouldn't call it a silent movie, but after the first 10 or 
15 minutes there isn't any dialogue. It’s about an American 
airman who's shot down over Tokyo the night before the city 
is firebombed. He then walks from Honshu to Hokkaido. Be- 
cause he’s alone, there’s no dialogue for 90 percent of the 
movie, 

PLAYBOY: What made Brad Pitt right for the leading role? 
JOEL: The lead character is a tailgunner in a B-29, and there's 
something all-American about Brad that's appropriate. Brad 
is actually far too old to play the part, so the fact that he has a 
boyish quality is good. Basically, he’s supposed to be a kid who 
was drafted. 

ETHAN: He also kills a lot of people, so the actor can't be some- 
body you're going to detest. He's killing to survive, but the 
killings are fairly graphic. 

PLAYBOY: More violence? 

JOEL: The issue of violence in movies bores me. The discussion 
about it is endless. We get asked about it frequently. There's 
all this political stuff around it. It's a bore. 

ETHAN: I was just reading one of Philip Roth's novels, and 
there's a character in it who talks about trees. He says, “Who 
givesa shit about a tree," and I feel the same way. 1 find trees 
boring. 

PLAYBOY: If not in your movies, do you ever have qualms about 
violence in other movies? Where do you draw the line on 
movie violence? 

JOEL: I don't draw a line anywhere. 1 won't watch a film like 
Faces of Death ox depictions of actual violence or newsreels of 
people killing themselves, because I don't want that stuff in 
my psyche. But generally I find myself more repulsed by 
maudlin, overly sentimental films than by violent films. 
PLAYBOY: When was the last time you cried in a movie? 

JOEL: I hate when people cry in movies. It’s particularly dis- 
concerting when you're sitting at a really awful movie and you 
hear people all around you sobbing and blowing their noses. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever cry? 

JOEL: I cried during Dancer in the Dark [laughing]. Actually, 1 
barely sat through it. 1 hate to say this, but the best part of 
the movie was when Bjórk beat David Morse to death with a 
metal box. 

PLAYBOY: Joel, you once said, “Ethan is unbelievably sentimen- 
tal and sloppy and he's always trying to sneak that into our 
movies.” Were you kidding? 

JOEL: Actually, it's true. 

ETHAN: 1 admit it—there's that exploding cow, for instance. 
JOEL: He's trying to sneak a love interest into our new movie. 
It doesn't make any sense at all because it's not in the novel, 
but he wants Brad Pitt to meet a girl along the way. 

ETHAN: Yeah, 1 want him to run into a Japanese girl walking 
through the snow dressed in animal skins and a sable hat. 
Kind of a Clan of the Cave Bear thing. 1 also wanted to give the 
lead character a buddy. it being a war picture and all. 

JOEL: Then we could kill the buddy. 

ETHAN: And Brad Pitt would get to say, “They killed my 
buddy.” 


t's funny! We should do it. Then everyone can talk 
more about violence in the movie. 


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. о 
Martini 

(continued from page 113) 
six times, is one of the lightest. 

James Bond called for both vodka and 
gin in his martinis (three ounces Gor- 
Чоп% gin, one ounce vodka, half an ounce 
of Kina Lillet vermouth, garnished with 
a slice of lemon peel). We all know he 
liked his martinis shaken, not stirred, as 
Bond felt that stirring bruised the gin. 
On the other hand, W. Somerset Maugh- 
am believed that “martinis should always 
be stirred, so that the molecules lie sen- 
suously on top of each other.” 

Just how much vermouth makes a 
martini is a question that can break up 
friendships and barstools. When Ameri- 
cans were getting their martini fixes in 
London during Prohibition, the Ameri- 
can Bar at the Savoy called for a three- 
to-one ratio of gin to dry vermouth. 

Today, less is more. Peter Dorelli, head 
bartender at the Savoy, dispenses ver- 
mouth with an eyedropper. Colin Field, 
head bartender at the Hemingway Bar 
in the Hotel Ritz in Paris, states, "We've 
used the same bottle of vermouth for the 
last seven years.” Churchill preferred to 
“glance at a bottle of vermouth across 
the room" while he poured his gin. But 
whatever amount of vermouth you use, 
pour it at room temperature. Chilling 
dulls its delicate fruit-and-floral balance. 
It also may not be poured at all. Many 
of the martini recipes that follow call 
for such exotic ingredients as sour apple 
liqueur. Here’s how to create the silver 
bullets pictured on the opening spread 
(from the bottom of the steps to the top): 


CLASSICMARTINI 
AMERICAN BAR, THE SAVOY, LONDON 


4 ounces Beefeater gin 

3 drops extra-dry vermouth 

Lemon rind twist. 

Combine gin that has been kept over- 
night in the freezer and vermouth in a 
mixing glass that is filled with ice. Stir to 
aerate gin (the gin will not be diluted by 
melting ice because it's colder than the 
ice). Strain into chilled martini glass. 
Garnish rim of glass with lemon twist. 


HENDRICK'S CUCUMBER MARTINI 


1% ounces Hendrick's gin 

% ounce Martini de Rossi Extra Dry 

vermouth 

Fresh cucumber slice 

Stir the gin and the vermouth into a 
mixing glass that's filled with ice. Then 
strain into a martini glass. Garnish with 
cucumber slice. 


BREEZE MARTINI 
BREEZE RESTAURANT, THE CENTURY PLAZA, 
CENTURY CITY, CALIFORNIA 


2 ounces Belvedere vodka 

% ounce triple sec 

% ounce Hiram Walker apple 

schnapps 

1 drop blue curacao 

Half slice orange 

Combine vodka, triple sec and apple 
schnapps in shaker filled with ice. Shake 
vigorously and strain into frosted marti- 
ni glass. Add one drop curagao into the 
center of glass and let it sink to the bot- 
tom and form a blue layer. Garnish with 
half a slice of orange. 


“Do you really think that’s appropriate?” 


MEXICAN МОЙТО MARTINI 
M-BAR, MANDARIN ORIENTAL, MIAMI 


5 lime wedges 

6 mint leaves 

2 teaspoons sugar 

2 scoops crushed ice 

2 ounces añejo tequila 

1 ounce soda water 

Combine lime wedges, mint and sugar 
in cocktail shaker. Muddle thoroughly. 
Add crushed ice and tequila. Shake for 
30 seconds, then add soda. Strain into 
chilled martini glass. Garnish with addi- 
tional lime wedge and mint leaf. 


APPLE MARTINI 
LOLAS, WEST HOLLYWOOD 


2 ounces Ketel One vodka 
2 ounces De Kuyper Sour Apple 
liqueur 

Splash of sour mix 

Granny Smith apple slice 

Shake all ingredients except apple 
slice in cocktail shaker filled with ice. 
Strain into chilled martini glass. Float 
apple slice on top. 


GRAND CENTRAL OYSTER MARTINI 
GRAND CENTRAL OYSTER BAR, NEW YORK 


3 ounces Bombay Sapphire gin 

% ounce Tabasco sauce 

Squirt of fresh lemon juice 

1 shucked oyster 

Lemon slice 

Mix gin, Tabasco, lemon juice and oys- 
ter liquid from the shell in cocktail shak- 
er with ice. Shake until chilled. Place 
shucked oyster in bottom of chilled mar- 
tini glass. Strain contents of shaker into 
glass. Garnish with lemon slice. 


Here are recipes for a few more marti- 
nis that are not pictured. 


CABLE CAR MARTINI 
NOB HILL RESTAURANT, MGM GRAND, 
LAS VEGAS 


(ces Captain Morgan Original 
ед гит 

% ounce orange curacao 

1% ounces sour mix 

% ounce Bacardi 151 rum 

И ounce cinnamon 

И ounce sugar 

Orange rind spiral 

Mix гит, сигасао and sour mix in 
cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake un- 
til chilled. Dip rim of chilled martini 
glass in 151-proof rum. Coat rim of glass 
with 50-50 mix of cinnamon and sugar. 
Strain contents of shaker into glass and 
garnish with orange spiral. 


LIMON MARTINI 


1% ounces Bacardi 
И ounce Martini & Ros 
vermouth 
% ounce cranberry juice 
Lemon peel twist 
Mix rum, vermouth and cranberry 
juice in cocktail shaker filled with ice. 


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172 


Shake and strain into chilled martini 
glass. Garnish with lemon peel. 


LIMEY MARTINI 
CROWN AND ANCHOR PUB, LAS VEGAS 


2 ounces Absolut vodka 

Splash of Absolut Citron 

Splash of Absolut Mandrin 

Splash of lime juice 

Splash of vermouth 

Lime peel twist 

Combine all but lime in glass filled 
with ice. Shake and strain into chilled 
glass. Garnish with lime. 


FLIRTINT 
FIVE POINTS, NEW YORK CITY 


2 ounces Stolichnaya Ohranj vodka 
1 ounce champagne 

1 ounce pineapple juice 

Mix ingredients in glass filled with ice 


cubes. Strain into martini glass. 


PORTINI 
PICO, NEW YORK CITY 


1 ounce Fonseca Siroco extra dry 
white port 
5 ounces Grey Goose vodka 


Black olive 

Rinse chilled martini glass with port 
and discard port. Shake vodka in shaker 
filled with ice cubes. Strain into glass and 
add olive. 


FRE 
LA SALA LOUN( 


MARTINE 
SANTA BARBARA 


3 ounces Grey Goose vodka 

K ounce Chambord liqueur 

К ounce pineapple juice 

Pineapple wedge 

Combine all but pineapple wedge in 
shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain 
into cocktail glass. Add garnish. 


FRANGO MARTINI 


1% ounces Vox vodka 

У ounce De Kuyper créme de cacao 

% ounce créme de menthe 

1 Frango mint 

Combine all ingredients but the mint 
in cocktail shaker filled with ice cubes. 
Shake until chilled. Drop the mint into a 
chilled martini glass and strain contents 
of shaker over mint. 


“We're very happy that you want to buy a 
piece of our show, Mr. Crenshaw, but Pm afraid we can’t allow 
you to pick which piece. . . . 


ШІ 
(continued from page 78) 


demonstrations, from giant stilt figures 
with cash dripping from their pockets to 
a wrestling ring filled with mud on an 
18-whecl flatbed truck. 

“In Washington, the police are mak- 
ing an industry for themselves out of 
these protests. There are officers in DC 
who made $200,000 last year in over- 
time. They're getting rich. The police 
and the association of police chiefs see 
us as a gang. They're mistaking us for 
a gang. 

“My attitude is the police are some- 
what justified in trying to arrest people 
who engage in property destruction, be- 
cause it is against the law and the police 
are supposed to enforce the law. But 
the police often preempt stuff before it 
happens. Once, they arrested 600 peo- 
ple the day before a protest in a lawful 
march, 

“I believe in voting. I think it’s a fun- 
damental experience and it dominates 
the national political scene. If you don't 
vote, you're not part of that. Why can’t 
anarchists get involved in mainstream 
ics? You can have ап anarcl 
and they can nominate the most ridic- 
ulous things. They could vote for any- 
thing. After a while they might get a lot 
more votes. 

“Anarchists smash stuff. They want to 
smash the state, and I often agree with 
them. Though I'm not an anarchist, Fm 
close. 

“It's good that anarchists get the bulk 
of the attention at these demonstrations, 
because it exposes the militancy to the 
whole world, that you can be militant 
and take part. I think that's why the 
Black Bloc is growing. They keep show- 
ing up at demonstrations, though they 
are very loosely organized. High school 
"I'm going to j 
Blac Bloc because that sw Bere the bad- 
asses go." 

"Politicians should look at these dem- 
onstrations and realize there's a growing. 
number of people who care about this. 
Each protester represents hundreds of 
people who share the same political 


belief." 


TERRA LAWSON-REMER 


Terra Lawson-Remer, 23, from San 
Diego, has worked with the United Farm 
Workers Union as well as other labor or- 
ganizations. On the eve of the Seattle 
protest in November 1999, Lawson-Re- 
mer helped found the Student Alliance 
to Reform Corporations. Starc's found 
ing conference brought together 350 
students from 130 universities in 40 
states to draw up a declaration demand- 
ing corporate accountability and global 
justice. 

"The fact is, 1 don't think many people 
were much more politically motivated in 
the Sixties. They just didn't want to get 


sent to Vietnam. So what would it take to 
create a mass movement on the scale 
that you saw in the Sixties? It would 
take people thinking they're going to get 
killed. 

“People talk a lot about the Sixties, but 
I think the fair trade movement is much 
deeper. The critique is much deeper and 
the world vision for change is so much 
more comprehensive. 

“In Seattle, there was no provocation. 
We were so peaceful, sitting there on the 
grass, and they pepper-sprayed us. They 
told us to move. Of course we didn’ 
move. You have people in black u 
forms with batons and shields and mas 
coming at you, and you feel so vulnera- 
ble. You could hear batons hitting peo- 


are benefiting from them. The rules 
might be bad for most of the world, but 
the people who are making them are the 
winners.” 


ERIK EISENBERG 


Erik Eisenberg, 33, grew up in Chica 
go and abandoned mainstream Ameri- 
can life right after high school. For the 
past 14 years, he has devoted his ener- 
gies to helping underdogs, whether they 
be striking workers, political prisoners 
or the homeless. He has been arrested 
dozens of times, most recently for pro- 
testing and resisting forest-clearing pro- 
jects in the Northwest. 

“I was 19 in the late Eighties, 
outside as a hippie, going to Gr 


American background, Coming from 
that background myself, I feel it's doubly 
important for me to challenge where 1 
come from. Don't do this in my name. 
The system gives me privileges and ben- 
efits because it oppresses and causes suf 
fering for other people. 

“To boil down the message of the 
movement, I would say this planet is be- 
ing mistreated, abused. It’s up to us, es 
pecially those who benefit the most from 
the present system, to activate ourselves 
and to create positive solutions and 
stand up against negative policies. No- 
body can do everything, but we all can 
do зотей 

“If more people realized the connec- 
tion between their lifestyles and live- 

lihoods and other 


ple, hear the thud 
It's like a moment | 
of truth, How im- 


peoples” suffering 
and not having 


portant is this to 
you? How impor 


eed re | 


I4 


ши 


enough, they would 
work more actively 
to stop it. 1 don't 


tant is justice? А 
you going to get 
your ass kicked be- 
cause you believe in 
something? So you 
sitand you get your 
ass kicked. 
I was wearing a | 
bandanna around 
my face and a pai 
of goggles. The po- 
lice officer didn’t hit | 
me. She pulled off 
my goggles, pulled 
open my eyes with 
her hands and 
sprayed pepper 
spray into my cycs. 
Then she pulled 
off my bandanna 
and sprayed right 
into my nose and 
my mouth. At this 
point, I was scream- 
ing in pain. Га nev 
er felt anything so 
painful. 

“1 couldn't open 


Playmates 


think most people 
want other people 
to suffer because 
| they benefit 
| “The people who 
| are destroying our 
planet have been 
organizing for a 
long time in relative 
obscurity. Í am ex- 
cited that that is no 
longer the case. 
they're even having 
a hard time finding 
places to have their 
meetings. They 
should be held ac- 
countable, People 
should not be al- 
lowed to meet and 
discuss the fate of 
the earth and how 
they're going to div- 
уу it up without a 
challenge. 
“Lam 
| volved in destroying 


not in- 


things. But at the 


my eyes for almost 
two hours. The rest 


same time, 1 totally 


of the day, 1 was 
messed up, every- 
thing hurt. Everything burned for days 
and days. | couldn't take showers be- 
ause it burned so badly. My whole body 
bright red for days. 
There’s something intrinsically im- 
portant about the shared resources we 
have on this planet. They're not ours to 
squander. They're ours to borrow. It's 
like taking a book out of a library. We 
have a responsibility—not just to the 
planet but to ourselves as the human 
race—to make sure that book gets back 
to the library, and right now, we're not. 
It's like one person is ripping all the pag- 
es outof the book because he wants it for 
himself. Everyone else gets screwed. 

“A lot of people who make the rules 


м 


understand and feel 


Dead shows and rainbow gatherings. Po- 
lice and other authority figures were hi 
rassing me, trying to stifle my way of life 
1 realized that people who live outside 
are discriminated against, and I started 
to think about why. 

“In the early Nineties, 1 started squat- 
ting, and I started to think about the 
earth and property and how property is 
dispersed and who controls it and what 
rights people have. 1 felt like if a build- 
ing was sitting there empty, and then we 
worked on it and made it into a better 
place, a living place, community space 1 
ally felt like it was ours. 

‘A large percentage of people in the 
moyement are from a white, middle-class 


solidarity with peo- 
ple who feel that calling. 

“The real crimes being committed 
don't involve breaking windows or bur 
ing a research laboratory. The real crimes 
are being committed by multinational 
corporations. These are crimes against 
all of humanity and the earth herself. 
The real crimes are the destruction of 
the earth and people trying to monopo- 
lize the food system and modify it and 
take ownership of our genetic makeup. 1 
want Lo support anybody who is trying to 
deal with those issues, and I think it's im- 
portant to respect a diversity of tactics. 

“But the majority of the people of the 
world are really suffering under this sys- 
tem—you know, in the billions. 


173 


PLAYROY 


174 


“Му vision is nothing short of the abo- 
lition of the U.S. government as an enti- 
ty. The United States was built on geno- 
cide and slavery. That's the reality. If the 
roots of a tree are rotten, the tree is only 
going to bear rotten fruit. Some good 
things have come out of this whole ex- 
periment they call the United States. But 
I think its far too big, and it needs to 
be, you know, disbanded. Communities 
have to empower themselves to come up 
with ways of working things out. 

“Every empire falls. It’s just a matter 
of when. I don't pretend to know when. 
People can't imagine a world in w 
the U.S. doesn't exist. But, you know, it's 
just another thing that’s going to rise 
and fall, and I hope it doesn’t take us all 
with it.” 


ADAM HURTER 


Adam Hurter, 21, an anarchist, left 
Wesleyan College after two years to be- 
come a full-time activist. 

“Seattle changed my life. It really 
opened me up. It excited me and gave 
me a deep hope that is hard to put into 
words. 1 felt like 1 could hug any of the 
50,000 people who were there with me. 
It completely rejuvenated me and gave 
me energy. 

"| can speak for not liking the media, 
but still we have to use it. Don't hate the 
media, become the media. 

“There's a lot of internal fighting in 
the movement. As soon as there's no in- 
ternal fighting, man, that’s when it will 
happen! We've got it made. We're going 
to steamroll to succes 


AMANDA LE DUKE 

Amanda Le Duke, 25, works with Ken- 
tucky Jobs With Justice in Louisville. 

“Its a different movement than the 
civil rights movement. The differences 
are what make it OK to not have an о 
spoken single leader. It's going to b 
teresting as to whether it’s sustainable or 
not. Social movements over time have 
had strong leaders. Inherent in this 
movement is a nonhierarchical structure 
and wanting to be sure that we control 
power. It's all about breaking down pow- 
er and spreading power. A lot of sweat- 
shop groups, for example, are hesitant 
to name a leader. You have to respect 
that because it forces people to look at 
different models of the way things have 
to operate. 

“Something about the secrecy behind 
the FTAA negotiations really energized 
people. A lot of people can oppose that. 
If they are unsure how they feel about 
the trade issue, they are pretty skeptical 
about meetings behind closed, locked 
doors. 

"I can't see how we can ever get the re- 
al elite, the upper class, to go along, be- 
cause they're the ones benefiting from 
this. But having said that, that’s a small 
number of people. 

“The have-nots in this country are 
coming together under one banner.” 


MARGIE KLEIN 


Margie Klein, 22, an environmen- 
tal organizer for Green Corps, traveled 
to India to protest a World Bank-funded 


“Can you come back for a checkup in December? I always 
get depressed around the holidays.” 


(and ecologically disastrous) dam project. 

“Because George Bush is in office, a 
whole lot of people who were content to 
stay out of politics are now realizing that 
if they do that, things could happen in a 
way they see to be detrimental. 

“It almost seems way we 
can get attention ing some- 
thing or doing something that's com- 
pletely counter to what we want to be 
doing. 

“My generation has a sense that glob- 
alization is happening, and it's not hap- 
pening in a respons People are 
aware that when globalization takes its 
course, it doesnt protect the environ- 
mentunless someone makes it. It doesn't 
protect workers’ rights unless someone 
makes it. 

“The decisions that these organiza- 
tions—the World Bank, IMF, WTO—arc 
making are not defensible in large part. 
They're profit driven. Once those or- 
ganizations become accountable to the 
public, they're going to have to change. 
If that could happen, I would feel like 


we've won.” 


JOHN CAVANAGH 


John Cavanagh, 46, is a director of the 
Institute for Policy Studies in Washing- 
ton and has been involved in protest 
movements (when he was not working 
for the United Nations) since he joined 
demonstrations against nuclear pow- 
cr plants and the war in Vietnam in the 
Seventies. 

"I have met many committed young 
people who believe that property de- 
struction is a viable t I disagree with 
them, because 1 think it is limiting our 
ability to turn this into a mass movement 
and to appeal to the majority of the 
world, which, 1 think agrees with us on 
the issues. I understand what's driven 
them to this—and it presents us with a 
fascinating dilemma at this moment in 
the movement. 

“I hold it against the police for whom 
it would have been easy to sweep in and 
arrest those people [the Black Bloc 
demonstrators in Seattle]. That they al- 
lowed the property destruction to go 
forward was, in fact, a tactic to try to dis- 
credit this broader movement. But be 
that as it may, having the anarcl 
the cover of Newsweek, on the f 
of newspapers around the world, gave 
impetus to those who believe that using 
struction is a viable tactic. 
not be one glorious day 
when the current order comes crashing 
down and we ha ules that fa 
workers, the environment, the poor. 
Rather, what we will see is a period of 
stalemate, punctuated by concrete victo- 
ries on our side—such as a defeat of the 
pharmaceutical industry—that provide 
real gains for ordinary people who've 
been hurt by the system.” 


vor 


PAN MA TEN P WS 


It’s no surprise that the first Angels 
on the Fairway Bikini Golf Open, in 
Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, was a huge 


success. There were biki- 
nis. There was golf. 


Clockwise from top left: Angels on the Foir 
woy swimsuit models Notolio Sokolovo ond 
Kerisso Fore tes! their Bunnywear, Neferter 
Shepherd eorns her wings. Rebekko Arm- 
strong has a blast on the beach 


What more does a guy need? Actual- 
ly, the event was not as shallow as it 
We made about $60,000 for 
27 says event producer Simone 
Sheffield. “It was hilarious to see so 
many women in pink bikinis driving 
golf carts.” More than 300 people 
participated, including Playmates Na- 


Don't use some lame tall-girl 
line. Tall girls are insecure about 
their height. People mention it 
20 times a day." Cara Michelle 


"1 get recognized in public. 1 
like it, but it sucks when you're 
having a bad day. You don't want 


to come off as a bitch, yet people 
don't realize you have a personal 
life. It's a Catch-22." 

—Daphni 


ynn Duploix 


А few teachers from my high 


talia Sokolova, Kerissa Fare, Neferteri 
Shepherd, Reneé Tenison and Re- 
bekka Armstrong. After a weekend 
of raging on the beach, there was on- 
ly one way to wrap the event: a Meat 
Loaf concert at Sammy Нараг5 pop- 
ular Cabo Wabo nightclub. "We're 
absolutely doing this again next 
year,” Shefüeld says. “In fact, we're 
almost sold out already.” For more 
photographs or to sign up for 
next year's tourney, visit angelson 
thefairway.com 


DEBRA JO'S DOCUMENTARY 


PMOY 1978 Debra Jo Fondren 
has teamed up with Arcwelder 
Films to create a documentary 
about how Playmates deal with 
getting old here is not a 

woman out there who 

doesn't struggle 
with the aging 
process,” says 
producer 
Martha Ad- 
ams. “Whether they 
decide to love their 
wrinkles or not, they 
face certain issues. Are 
they going to age naturally 
or opt for plastic surgery? For Play- 
mates, whose bodies are valued like 
no others, the pressure must be really 
stressful. We figured it would be great 


25 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


“Patti is one of my favorite Play- 
mates as well as one of my fa- 
vorite people,” says Hef of Miss 
November 1976 
and 1977 PMOY 
Patti McGuire. 
“She was a mem- 
ber of the Man- 
sion family in the 
Seventies, and we 
had some wild, 
wonderful times 
together.” Hef 
isn't the only one 
smitten with Pat- 
ti—she met ten- 
nis star Jimmy 
Connors at one 
of Hef's parties 
at the Mansion, 
and the couple 
has been happily Potti McGuire. 

married for more than 20 years. 


to follow a diverse group of women to 
see how they re dealing with getting 
older." The film is in the preliminary 
stages, so stay tuned for more infor- 
mation, including a list of which Cen- 
terfolds will be interviewed. "You 
can't go wrong with Playmates," adds 
Adams. “They're beautiful and they 
make for compelling television.” 


If it were up to us, Ploy. 
mates would olways be 
naked, But we'll seitle 
for them in teddies in 
ће Frederick's of Holly- 
wood Best of Summer 
2001 cotolog. Never 
received your copy in 


school came to one of my auto- 
graph signings. That was a little 
bizarre.” —Jennifer Walcot 


the mail? Moybe it’s horny postol workers. 
Left to right: Irina Voronino, Cora Michelle, 
Deonno Brooks and Nicole Lenz 


— 175 


It’s so rare that 1 remember 
their names. 1 mostly remember 
‚ their hobbies. Г like 
the ones who 
like honesty, 
such as the 
Bernaola 
twins, or the 
ones who like 
fishing and 
|) walks in the 
park. The 

ones Ї re- 
member are 
M from when I 
| was 13, and 1 
x don't want to 
] go there. 


У Dorlene and Corol 
Bernoola. 


BIG-TIME BRITTANY 


Remember Brittany York? Today, 
she goes by the name Alison Armi- 
tage, and if you've been watching 
carefully, you've seen her in all kinds 
of television shows and movies. Miss 
October 1990 starred as Cat Pascal on 


the TV series Aca- 
pulco Н.Е.А.Т and 
portrayed a den- 
tal hygienist on 
Seinfeld, a hero- 
in addict on Silk 
Stalkings and a 
supervillain on 
Black Scorpion. 
On the silver 
screen, Brit- 
tany played a 
former girl- | h 
friend of Tom Hi 
Cruise's character in 

Jerry Maguire and Sylvester Stallone's 
‘onetime squeeze in Driven. Next up: 
a co-hosting gig on the game show 
Ransacked. And if that’s not enough 
to cure your jones, get a copy of 
the 2002 Alison Armitage calendar 
(above), available at playboystore.com. 


PLAY! 

November 2: Miss October 1980 
Mardi Jacquet 

November 4: Miss November 1970 
Avis Miller 

November 13: Miss July 1964 
Melba Ogle 

November 18: Miss October 1991 
Cheryl Bachman 

November 21: Miss September 1994 
Kelly Gallagher 


BRANDE ON THE 


As Bronde Roderick can оне, life os the 2001 Playmate of the Year is 
о nonstop tornado of parties, томе premieres and charity events. Does 
the girl ever sleep? Clockwise from left: Flaunting o Rabbit Head guitar 
at the Candie's Foundation Benefit concert, pasing with a Waller Payton 


scooter in Chicago, raising a glass а! 
her New York PMOY pony, at the Peorl 
Harbor premiere with Boywotch Howoii 
co-stor Stacy Котопо, visiting veterans 
in a Chicago hospitol 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


If you've ever fantasized about 
our Playmates battling it out in 
skimpy mesh outfits, you're in 
luck. The Arena, starring Karen 
McDougal and Lisa Der- 

gan (pictured), is avail- 

able on video. . .. Daph- 

© nee Lynn Duplaix and 
a friend have launched 
Unleashed, a new maga- 

zine featuring Daphnee 
on the inaugural cover. "It's an 
urban mix of PLAYBOY and Max- 
im,” she says. . . . The Playboy X- 
Treme Team was ranked number 
19 on a list of 
the “63 coolest 
people, places 
and things 
that matter to 
sports junkies” 
in ESPN mag- 
azine. Team 
captain Dan- 
elle Folta also 
scored a bit 
partin the film 
Winterdance, 
starring Cuba 
Gooding Jr. .. - 
Look for Stacy 
Fuson as a 
sorority girl in 
Shallow Hal, 


Karen vs. Liso. 


with Gwyneth Paltrow. . . . An- 
gela Little plays the lead in Back- 
lot Murders, an indie horror film, 
and has a co-starring role in The 
Guest, helmed by Ashton Kutch- 


er and Tara Reid. . . . Victoria 
Silvstedt and Jami Ferrell ap- 
pear in the comedy Boat Trip. . - 


Tronsil Bunnies. 


Jessica Lee has a bit part in the 
film New Suit. . . . Nicole Wood 
hosted Wild on New York for E 
with Stephen Baldwin. . . . Ava 
Fabian and Julie McCullough 
(pictured) got cozy with Transit 
nightclub manager Lew Langer 
at the PLAYBOY Book Expo bash 
in Chicago. Dr. Ruth also made 
an appearance, although she 
passed on a Bunny outfit. 


о ( 


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WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


——_——||IN FROM THE GOLD 


t's 85 degrees in Key West. How many nights does it take before 

tall drinks with paper umbrellas get old? Up north, we celebrate 

frost on the pumpkin with brandy by the fire. Tres Vénérable co- 

gnac by Delamain, no less. Such cold-weather fuel tastes even 
finer when it's sipped trom an oversize snifter. We like the great 
indoors. There's time for TV and popcorn, so we've hooked our 
tube to Sony's new 5АТ-УУ60 receiver. It's designed for use with 
UltimateTV, which integrates DirecTV satellite programming 
with digital video recording that can store more than 30 hours 
of programming and Inter- 
net access (with six e-mail 
accounts). The SAT-W60 al- 
so allows you to record two 
shows at the same time. 
(Playboy TV and Casablan- 


Right: Kiehl's Body Massage 
Oil, Body Rub Moisturizer, 
Muscle Rub and Massage 
Lotion ($16 to $18.50). The 
Pro-Thumper professional 
massager, which delivers 27 
pulses per second, by Quan- 
tum Products (about $400). 
Sony's SAT-W60 receiver 
(about $450), for use with Ul- 
timateTV; and three DVDs 
(about $20 each). 

JAMES IMEROGNO 


WHERE AND HOW TO HUY ON PAGE 163 


ca, perhaps.) We doubt you'll have trouble finding something to 
watch, but just in case we've included three DVDs: Creative Posi- 
tions for Lovers, Playboy 2000: The Party Continues and Akira, a 
Japanese animation classic. Other indoor pleasures we're celebrat- 
ing include a Sulka silk robe, two books—Baseball: 100 Years of the 
Modern Era, 1901-2000 and Horst Portraits: 60 Years of Style— 
plus the Franklin Mint's deluxe Harley-Davidson edition of Mo- 
поро, in which the tokens and money are stashed in the board 
game drawer. Add some massage oils and an electronic massager 
(it’s as close as you can come to having your own mas- 
seuse) and, as the jolly fat man in the red suit likes 


to say, “to all a good night.” — DAVID STEVENS 


Above: Delamain’s Très Vénérable 
cognac (a delicious blend of rare 
45- to 55-year-old vintages, $300 
per decanter) and a crystal snifter 
by Asprey and Garrard ($75). Base- 
ball is culled from the archives of 
The Sporting News ($30). Horst 
Portraits covers “60 years of style” 
($55). The red silk robe is by Sulka 
($1500). Left: Harley-Davidson Mo- 
nopoly by the Franklin Mint fea- 
tures a hardwood-framed board, 
Harley motorcycle tokens and Har- 
ley money, plus houses and hotels 
accented in sterling silver and 24- 
kt. gold plate (about $600). 


179 


Marapevine 


Flower Girl 

You may have seen NICOLE BEN- 
МЕТТ on Boston Public, Pacific 
Blue, E's Wild On series or 
perhaps in surfwear ads. 

Now see her au naturel. 


Crazy for You 
CRAZY TOMN's The Gift of Game went platinum on the charts. 
It's that hip-hop-metal thing that Limp Bizkit started, taken to 
the next level. An Ozzfest tour last summer pumped up the 

volume. The guys paint the town with attitude. 


Sneak Peak 


GABRIELLE UNION was once on her way to 
law school. Now she has her own lawyer. 
She's in two movies next year: Abandon, 
with Benjamin Bratt, and Welcome to Col- 
linwood, starring George Clooney. 


Up a Tree 

MONICA MENDEZ has appeared in 
PLAYBOY Special Editions, a Pearl Jam 
video and on hotbody.com's first live 
webcast. She has it made in the shade. 


Going With Flo 
FLO JALIN models swims; 
She's been known to win bikini contests and was a Bay- 
watch Hawaii regular. She deserves a rest. 


Diddy and Giddy 

Bad boys SEAN COMBS and TOMMY LEE took 
advantage of a photo op to show off—in suits, 
no less. Lee is drumming in Methods of May- 
hem, and P. Diddy's CD The Saga Continues 
keeps the show on the road. 


Every Picture Tells a Story 
Rod Stewart’s daughter KIMBERLY strolled 
the catwalk, modeled for Cosmo and Har- 
r and designed a line of jeweled 
s. A diamond chip off the old block. 


Шо! ропгг! 


ADVENTURE ROAD 


"This winter, escape to faraway places with these 
books. The Fire Never Dies by Richard Sterling 
is "one man's raucous romp down the road 

It's part of 


of food, passion and adventure.” 


Lonely Planet's Journeys serie: 
ick in Madagascar by Mark Eveleigh, a travel 
writer who encounters sorcerers, shamans and 
snakes while exploring “the Isle of the Moon.” 
Price: $13. Check your bookstores. 


RUDY TALK 


“The wit and wisdom of Rudy Boesch,” the re- 
tired Navy Seal who attained celebrity on CBS’ 
Survivor show, is collected in the pocket-size 
Book of Rudy by Boesch and Jeff Herman. So- 
cial issues, politics, sex—Rudy doesn't pull his 
bortion: “It should be up to the 
Al Gore: “Gore hung around with a 
Ағай dodger for eight years, and I don't like 
that.” The importance of sex in a relationship: 
“It's real important.” Price: $5.95. Adams 
Media Corp. is the publisher. 


HOT CHOCOLATE 


For a sweet time, try Strip 
Chocolate, a “game of sensual 
pleasure” for two players who 
both become dessert. Squares 
on the board dictate whether a 
player removes an article of 
clothing, draws a specific design 
on the other player's body with 
Chocoholics Body Frosting ог 
licks off a previously drawn de- 
sign. Obviously, this is a game 
nobody loses, The price: 
$25, from Chocoholics Divine 
Desserts at 


2 Gi 800-760-снос, 
or drop 
Spencer Gifts. 


SINGLED OUT FOR ADVENTURE 


Never heard of Adventures for Singles? Neither had we. But 
when a reader alerted us to this organization, headed by Suzy 
Davis (a former Miss Wisconsin), we knew we'd stumbled on one 
fun bunch. Each year, Suzy guides groups of 40 to 50 unhitched 
professional men and women of all ages to a variety of destina- 
tions for prices almost too good to believe. (Her 10-day 2001 Afri- 
can safari was only $2595, including airfare from Atlanta, and the 
six-day Best of Italy junket was $1385, also including air.) On her 
agenda next year are Jordan, the Mediterranean, Brazil, India, 
frica (again a safari). Visit adven 
turesforsingles.com for information, or call 770-956-0437. 


IN THE PINK 


For four decades the artwork and designs 
of Strom Thorgerson have been featured 
on Pink Floyd albums. Now those covers 
are available as fine art in limited editions 
of 295. Pictured here is Dark Side of the 
Moon, a 19"х 19" image silk-screened in 
12 colors. Price: $1000. Call EyeMusic at 
206-780-5408, or go to www.rockoptic. 
com. The 1] other album images range 
from $700 to $900. 


TIE ONE ON WITH JERRY 


Everybody remembers Jerry Garcia the 
musician, but not everyone remembers 
that he inspired a line of neckties. To cel- 
ebrate the line's 10th anniversary, |. Gar- 
cia Artin Neckwear has 
put together a collection 
featuring 40 of the most 
popular styles inspired 
by Garcia's paintings 


Pictured here is Paris in үр е 
„in de- Ф сар 


the Rain. Price: $3: 
partment stores. Forty 
thousand numbered ties 
will be produced. 


Yao 


HEX APPEAL 


Her real name was Maila Nur- 
mi, but fans knew her as Vampi- 
ra, the glamorous ghoul with 
the drop-dead body squeezed 
into a black dress that hung 
from her like Spanish moss in a 
swamp. A predecessor of Elvira, 
Mistress of the Dark, Nurmi 
hosted ABC's Vampira Show back 
in the mid-Fifties and had quite 
a cult following. Bowen Designs 
offers a 147" statue for $160 in a 
limited edition of 1000. If Vam- 
pira still turns you on, call 50: 
786-0542 or go to bowen8r@ 
teleport.com. 


THE BREWS OF BELGIUM 


Michael Jackson, the international whiskey and brew maven 
who's a contributor to PLAYBOY, once again raises his glass, this 
time filled with Belgian beer. For $45 a month, Jackson's 
Beers of Belgium gourmet beer club offers members 12 bottles of 
a different brew each month. If you opt for a Belgian brew deliv- 
ery every other month, you get two different six-packs for $25. 

| Check the club's website, realbeer.com, for more information. 


ANNIE'S BACK AGAIN 


Earlier this year, Dark Horse 
Comics published rLaysov’s Little 
Annie Fanny Volume 1: 1962- 
1970, a saucy soficover that sat- 
irizes the Sixties, James Bond 
and a lot more. Now Volume 2. 
1970-1988 has reached book- 
stores, and Harvey Kurtzman 
and Will Elder aim their wicked 
wit at Ralph Nader, Star Wars, 
the energy crisis, the wom- 
en's movement and Arnold 
Schwarzenegg 
few. Our innocent Annie, of 
course, is as zaftig as ever in 
the new volume. The book 
features never-before-seen 
production art and lots 

of other neat stuff. Price: 
$24.95, in bookstores. 


HARVEY KOR SN 
Ano IER ORA Y 


183 


Ш!- Х Ї М on 1 ћ 1 GALA HOLIDAY ISSUE 


184 


REPUBLICAN LOVE 


3 Е хі 
WE HAVE СЕМА LEE BLOOD TEST 


GENA LEE NOLIN—THE SHEENA SENSATION AND FORMER 
BAYWATCH BEAUTY GETS UNWRAPPED ІМ A FESTIVE PICTORI- 
AL. THANK YOU, MR. CLAUS 


WILL SMITH —YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE THE GOOFY ACTION 
RAPPER. FOR HIS DRAMATIC TURN IN АШ HE BEEFED UP AND 
TRAINED TO STING LIKE A BEE AND NOW IS GENERATING TALK 
OF AN ACADEMY AWARD. A PLAYBOY INTERVIEW THRILLA BY 
MICHAEL FLEMING 


THE STRANGEST WHITE HOUSE CONNECTION —А TOP 
NEWSWEEK JOURNALIST, WHO HAS INTERVIEWED BILL CLIN- 
TON AND GEORGE BUSH DOZENS OF TIMES, REVEALS HOW 
THEY FLIRT, WHAT CRACKS THEM УР WHAT RANKLES THEM 
AND WHAT THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF DOES IN HIS SPARE 
TIME. BY JONATHAN ALTER 


HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS —ТНЕВЕ WAS A TIME WHEN FLY- 
ING WAS SEXY. UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE TOO YOUNG TO RE- 
MEMBER IT. JAMIE MALANOWSKI TAKES OFF ON AIR RAGE, 
THE IMPROVEMENT PLANS OF THE FAA AND WHAT YOU CAN 
DO TO MAKE YOUR NEXT FLIGHT LESS TURBULENT 


BASKETBALL PREVIEW—WITH SO MANY TEENAGERS JUMP- 
ING TO THE NBA, IT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT THE 
TOP 25 COLLEGE TEAMS. GARY COLE AND DAVID KAPLAN 
HAD IT RIGHT LAST YEAR. IT’S TIME TO DO IT AGAIN 


HOW TO LOVE A REPUBLICAN—DARCY 15 THE COOLEST 
THING GOING BEAUTIFUL, SMART, GREAT IN BED. THE ONLY 


HOTEL SEX 


PROBLEM: SHE'S A BIG-TIME BUSH SUPPORTER. AND WHAT 
HAPPENS IF HE WINS? FICTION BY STEVE ALMOND 


LETTER FROM SWINGING LOS ANGELES—PORN STARS 
HEAD TO CLUB LUST AFTER A HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE. IT'S 
ABOUT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT: RAZOR BURNS, COWGIRLS, 
RECREATIONAL POLE DANCING AND ORGIES GALORE. JOIN 
KATIE MORAN IN A WILD SEX ROMP 


BEBE BUELL—ROCK’S ORIGINAL BAND-AID, THE INSPIRATION 
FOR PENNY LANE IN ALMOST FAMOUS, HAS A MOVIE STAR 
DAUGHTER, A BRIGHT MUSIC CAREER AND A NEW TELL-ALL 
BOOK. WE KNEW HER WHEN. A SALUTE TO LIV TYLER'S MOM, 
MISS NOVEMBER 1974 


BLOOD TEST—IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO ROB A STRIP CLUB, YOU 
DO WHAT YOUR BOSS TELLS YOU TO DO. TOO MANY QUES- 
TIONS COULD GET YOU A SEVERE HEADACHE. FICTION BY 
ANDREW VACHSS 


FOOTBALL DAZE—HE'S TRYING TO SCORE WITH A TIGHT 
END. WILL IT BE THIRD AND INCHES OR A SAFETY BLITZ? SHEL 
SILVERSTEIN LEAVES US A SPORTING TREASURE 


ALSO: OUTKAST—A STANKONIAN PROFILE, SEX STARS 2001, 
PLAYBOY'S MUSIC POLL, NAUGHTY CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS 
CAROLS, KNOCKOUT HOLIDAY GIFTS, HOTEL SEX—THE PIC- 
TORIAL, THE WORLD'S WILDEST WHEELS, REALITY TV UNCEN- 
SORED, COOL COATS FOR A GLACIAL WINTER, AND MISS USA 
TURNED PLAYMATE SHANNA MOAKLER