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OUR LEAD PICTORIAL—Arny Freytag's fanciful shots of Warrior 
Princess Joanie Laurer—needs no explanation. As the WWF 
character formerly known as Chyna, the dominatrix with the 
Amazon body was a great diversion. America encourages the 
outrageous, and, as Joanie explains, “I don't know one wom- 
an out there who doesn't want to feel strong and beautiful. 
dress up in fun costumes and tell somebody to go take a hike. 
Perhaps we should send Joanie to Afghanistan. 

When Hugh Hefner launched rLaysoy in 1953, he made this 
promise to readei airs of state will be out of our prov- 
ince. We don't expect to solve any world problems. If we are 
able to give the American male a few extra laughs and a lit- 
tle diversion from the anxieties of the Atomic Age, we'll feel 
we've justified our existence." Even a casual reader will notice 
that over the years our mission evolved. We long ago justified 
our existence, and we make no apologies for weighing in on 
the issues of the day. After September 11, for example, Amer- 
icans have suddenly become aware of the power of money in 
the hands of evildoers. Intelligence agencies are attempting 
to trace the cash that financed acts of terror; the president has 
demanded that assets be frozen. Jeffrey Robinson, who con- 
tributed The Terrorist Dollar, became interested in money laun- 
dering in the early Nineties. In his groundbreaking book The 
Laundrymen, he calls it the third-largest business in the world. 
He was already at work on this article when we asked him to 
explain the terrorist connection. With the attacks, our per- 
ception of television shifted, too. The horrific images on TV 
will stay with us forever. David Sheff had already spoken with 
Brit Ноте, anchor for the Fox News Channel, for a Playboy In- 
terview. It was natural to ask him to explain that day from his 
particular vantage point. In another case of uncanny timing, 
Joe Dolce had already filed his story on Steve Coz (Tabloid Tsar) 
when news reached us that the offices of American Media had 
been the site of an anthrax attac] 

Our fiction for January gained resonance from the events 
of September 11. Robert Coover's story of The Invisible Man, il- 
lustrated by Gahan Wilson, is an eerie account of life on the 
run, When no one can see you, it works quite nicely to be a 
crime fighter—or a criminal. Joyce Carol Oates’ Aiding and Abet 
ling (illustrated by Dave McKeon) is a chilling story of a life in 
jeopardy, of waiting for a phone call that may announce the 
death of a family member. 

The rest of thi: jue remains true to our original mission 
statement: entertainment for men. With a remake of Ocean’s 
11 set for release, Bill Zehme went back to the original—the Rat 
Pack caper film from the days when all we had to worry about 
were missiles in Cuba. As for the photo to the right, the guy 
who looks like a chauffeur? Don't worry. It’s just Gene Simmons, 
minus a few layers of greasepaint. The outrageous rocker 
gives us a sneak peek at his autobiography in Kiss and Makeup. 

The talk shows have already devoted whole episodes to 
something called terror sex, which is not what you had as an 
anxious teenager. We know guys who used to use the bomb as 
a pickup line. Nowadays, you'd better have manners, advises 
Anka Radakovich in The New Sexual Etiquette. For other trends in 
sex, check out The lar in Sex (the feature's 25th anniversary), 
put together, as always, by Gretchen Edgren, Patty Beaudet-Frances 
and Bruce Hansen. For a humorous take on the past 365 days, 
there's Robert S. Wieder's annual That Was the Year That Was, 
illustrated by Sebastian Krüger. Looking for the perfect toast? 
See John Mariani’s guide to champagne cocktails. 


ROBINSON SHEFF 


ZEHME 


g 


MCKEAN, SIMMONS 


HANSEN AND EDGREN 


RADAKOVICH 


WIEDER KRÜGER MARIANI 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), January 2002, 


volume 49, number 1. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 


North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago. illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Ck ago nei ict avi malin offices, Гага Pt Cana- 


dian ae! Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 4003: 


34. Subscriptions: in the U. 
537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy:com. 


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ge to 


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wherever. whenever. forever. 


PlayStation 


vol. 49, no. 1—jenvery 2002 


features 
70 THE TERRORIST DOLLAR 
Access to laundered money turns out to be the hey to wreaking global havoc. 
Guess who's climbed into bed with the Mob? BY JEFFREY ROBINSON 
90 TABLOID TSAR 
Under Steve Сог? guidance, the National Enquirer stormed the mainstream, 
breaking stories on O.J., Jesse Jackson and the Clintons. His reporters ferreted 
out the world’s dirty secrets. But what happens when the unthinkable, an attack of 
anthrax, happens inside your oum building? BY JOE DOLCE 
94 OCEAN’S 11 
The 1960 Rat Pack caper remains the ultimate documentary of cool. With the 
remake set for release, we go back to where the fun started and those crazy nights 
at the Sands. BY BILL ТЕНМЕ 
96 THE NEW SEXUAL ETIQUETTE 
Neatness counts! So does good behavior regarding oral sex, first dates and talking 
dirty. If you want to get laid, these babes advise, it's important to be both naughty 
and nice. BY ANKA RADAKOVICH 
PLUS: “Ten Moves That Guarantee She'll Say Yes.” Bone up, friend, and be assured 
of a happy outcome. 
98 YEAR OF THE HOBBIT 
George Lucas owes a big debt to [.R.R. ‘Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. Seems Star 
Wars wouldn't exist without Gandalf and Frodo. We report some other interesting 
facts, too. BY ROBERT B. DESALVO 
122 KISS AND MAKEUP 
This is our idea of Gene therapy. It involves plenty of recombination—with 
gorgeous groupies and Shannon Tweed. BY GENE SIMMONS 
135 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: JULIE CIALINI 
As much as Julie likes to masturbate, she says there's no substitute for a 
man's penis. 
136 THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS 
TV survived, the FBI flopped, the Boy Scouts got into a knotty fix. Looks as if 
irony is alive and well. BY ROBERT S. WIEDER 
144 20Q DAN PATRICK 
The Sportscenter desk jockey has plenty to say about strip clubs, broadcaster 
lingo and the supremacy of basketball players. He also tells why he hates 
soccer. BY WARREN KALBACKER 
146 HORSING AROUND 
Here's a great way lo get started belting the ponies. 
interview 
59 BRIT HUME 


When Brit Hume left the White House beat at ABC to anchor the Fox News Chan- 
nel, it was like leaving the Yankees to join an expansion team. Now, claims Hume, 
his team has made the World Series—it's down to Fox and CNN. In an important 
Playboy Interview, he talks about liberal bias, two Bush presidents and how the 
media dealt with September's terror attacks. BY DAVID SHEFF 


As a WWF character, Chyna was nicknamed 
the Ninth Wonder af the Warld by her fans, but 
befare Joanie Laurer became a ring femme fa- 
tale, she worked as a belly dancer and had her 
own band. Now, she has written a best-seller 
and created a website. Fourteen months after 
her first fabulous pictarial, she’s back, and 
better than ever. Our Rabbit is armed. 


vol. 49, no. 1—janvary 2002 


| а. 
contents continued 
pictorials departments 
76 JOANIE LAURER: 5 PLAYBILL 
WARRIOR PRINCESS 
ehanen tia fanesak 12 (DEAR PLAYBOY 
still kicks ass. 19 AFTER HOURS 
106 PLAYMATE: 29 WIRED 
NICOLE NARAIN 34 LIVING ONLINE 
Nicole went from the heartland in- 
Юй hag and Roba for N 
we knew her longue was pierced. 38 PLAYBOY.COM 
128 ТНЕ YEAR IN SEX 40 MEN 
Sex—a whole year's worth! (Gary, 43 MANTRACK 
fesse, Rudy, Anna Nicole—plus др THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
“Name That Navel.”) 
149 PLAYMATE REVIEW MS) PARTON 
Check out four seasons of beauty 179 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
in 12 easy pieces. Who will be 199 ON THE SCENE 
the lucky winner? 200 GRAPEVINE 
202 POTPOURRI 
fiction 
86 THE INVISIBLE MAN lifestyle 
If you're a crook it's handy to go 
unseen. Imagine the possibilities 88 CHAMPAGNE COCKTAILS 
hit id tores, vn char Mix it up for New Year's Eve 
rooms. Imagine if the woman with recipes from favorite 
shadowing you is invisible, bars. BY JOHN MARIANI 
Ine. EY ROBERT COCVER 101 ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA 
120 AIDING AND ABETTING A stereo, a snowboard, a flashlight, 
Steven's wife is constanily pamper- а knife, a chair—i’s not too late! 
ing her depressed, narcissistic little 13g FASHION: HOTEL HOLIDAY 
brother. Steven thinks all the guy Its the season for parties and 
needs to hear is the truth. Big hk : 
mistake EY JOYCE CAROL ORTES! homecomings. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
news and notes — теме. => 
28 MUSIC 
13 HANGIN’ WITH HEF 5 
Kevin Spacey and Andy Dich; ie Merle Haga 
private train to Sea World. й 
30 MOVIES 
49 THE PLAYBOY FORUM ; 
Mere Indie hits, Joely Richardson 
joke after September 11 32 _ VIDEO 
198 БОЛУНАР NINE Directors who act, The Blue Angel. 
Playmates unwrapped, Julio 35 BOOKS 


McCullough, Rock Star premiere. 


Sex, gambling and Dennis Miller 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


» 


=> 


Served in fine establishments and questionable joints everywhere. 


Your friends at Jack Daniel's remind you to ЧИНЕ Вропышу 
JACK DANIEL'S and OLD КӨЙ rl trademarks OP teh Ре visis at wo jack helna 


PLAYBOY 


10 


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IN THE WORLD... 


KISS: THE BOX SET, 
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DRAWN FROM THE 
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BY THE BAND THEMSELVES. 
THE SET FEATURES 6 HOURS 
OF DIGITALLY REMASTERED 
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INCLUDING 30 PREVIOUSLY 
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Includes a 120 page color booklet 
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a ies tg. he 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN RE: 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


ZEK associate managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

FORUM: JANES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; Curr ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI editorial 
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON RUHHMESTER assistant editor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAI 


JLITANO senior editor; ALISON LUNDGREN, BARBARA 


NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT в. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY Monk junior editor; LINDA 


FEIDELSON. HELEN FRANCOULIS, HEATHER HAEBE. CAROL RUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, OLGA STAVROPOULOS. 
NICOLE TUREC editorial assistants, 


ARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; 
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; KEMA 
SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH. KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN 


research librarian; 


м GALVIN, JOSEPH. HIGAREDA, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER 

assistant; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION). JOE DOLCE 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS. WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, 

JOE MORGENSTERN. DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
KERIG POPE managing art director; SCOTT ANDERSON. BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior 
art directors; Row WILSON assistant art director; 


PAUL CHAN senior arl assistant; JOANNA METZGER art 
assistant; CORTEZ WELLS arl services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west cons! editor; JIM LARSON managing edilor; KEVIN KUSTER STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior editors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; RICHARD 
FEGLEY, АККУ FREYTAG. RICHARD 1ZU, DAVID MEGEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA 
contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOV staff photographer; кил. warre studio manoger— 
los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo library: ANDREA BRICKMAN 


PENNY ERKERT. GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


JAMES N. DIMONERAS publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA NANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY PONTARELLI, RICHARD 


QUARTAROLI. DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE. влив TERIELA Dypeseliers; HILL. WENWAN 


SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK, ELAINE FERRY assistants 


CIRCULATION 


панну А. шене newsstand sales director; rayas козум subscription circulation director 


[ЕЕЕ KIMMEL eastern advertising director; PHYLLIS KESSLER new york advertising manager; Jot 
HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLL direct response manager; TERRI BUNOFSKY 
marketing director; DONNA 1AVOSO crealive services direclor: CAROL STUCKHARDT research director; 
NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPP LORE BLINDER, SUE JAFFE; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPERS 
CHICAGO: wane BAXTER; ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ SARAH HUY. GREG MADDOCK: MARIE FIRNENO 
advertising business manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator 


READER SERVICE 


MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents 


TRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


ADMIN 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, ENC, 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
MICHAEL Y. CARR president, publishing division 


= E: 


Reward yourself with the smooth, satisfying taste of Miche 


Of course, then comes the real trick — trying not to spill any on 


no sequel? _ 


NEARLY OF 
DVD BONUS MATERIAL! 

* Behind-The-Scenes Featurette 

* Deleted And Alternate Scenes 

* Special Effects Tour 

* Behind The Makeup 

* Word From The Perch 

Still Gallery 

* French Language Track 

* Spanish Subtitles 


* DVD-ROM Features: 
Website Links 
Screenplay Viewer. 
Character Profiles 
Trivia Game 


A EN ЇЇ ШЇ pe Lu Ad oup TE BUR ON ЕТ. 
xu CR DR RO E ШЕН OR RS DARE IL RA IIR EL ШЕШ ШИ E RE DAC TOR 
=Й “ЕШШ HP ERR RA A RT 


scarymovio.com 


OWN IT ON D & VIDEO T 


ann Hr en Ctd y ira Via oa ss Dc M 


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Dear Playboy 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE 
‘CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL OFARPBCOPLAYBOYCOM. 


COEDS REIGN 


Once again, р.лувоу has shown why 
the Girls of the SEC (October) are num- 
ber one. Terah Bruce, Amy Dew and Pam- 
ela Cuevas make this rebel heart skip a 
beat. I'd welcome back PLAYBOY to the 
Ole Miss campusanytime. Perhaps more 
coeds will shed their inhibitions. 

Ed Lovin 
Oxford, Mississippi 


Bridget Chadwick gives new meaning 
to the term Arkansas Razorback. She's a 
beautiful, natural, all-American woman. 
Asa PLAYBOY reader for more than 30 
years, I would love to see Bridget return 
as a Centerfold. 

Larry Callahan 
Oakland, California 


Sweet home, Alabama. 


PLAYBOY created a dilemma for me. Al- 
though the ladies representing my alma 
mater—the University of South Caroli- 
na—are beautiful, my loyalty has been 
severely tested by seeing Kerri Roser of 
Alabama. She's breathtaking. 

Gordon Blanchard 
Rockland, Massachusetts 


I have been walking around aimless- 
ly since I looked at Kerri Roser's photo. 
She is easily the most beautiful woman 
I've ever seen. 

Eric Glass 
‘Tuscaloosa, Alabama 


Amy White melted my October issue 
like lava. 
D.G. 
Johnstown, Pennsylvania 


I've always been self-conscious about 
my small breasts, so it was great to see 
that not all of the gorgeous women in the 
SEC pictorial are well endowed. Thanks 
for showing all kinds of women's bodies. 
Keren Martinez 


Martinez, Cal 


rnia 


University of Kentucky's Monique Wat- 

kins has the most beautiful bottom I've 

seen in PLAYBOY since Holly Joan Hart's. 
Jesse Lykken 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 


ON THE CASE 
How do the other crime scene investi- 
gators solve any of their cases with the 
wonderfully distracting Marg Helgen- 
berger (20 Questions, October) on staff? 
Jason Gabbert 
Buckeye, Arizona 


NIGHT LIGHT 

Olivia de Berardinis has done an amaz- 
ing job of painting everybody's favor- 
ite Mistress of the Dark (Elvira's Night 
Moves, October). Elvira has a huge fol- 
lowing of younger fans, and though 
many of them would undoubtedly love 


Hisatonno.con, 


E — 
red of che same? 
Try che Tickler 
poolside, or as a new 
alternative 
at happy hour or over 
Sunday Brunch. 
2 oz. Disaronno Originale 
5 oz. club soda 


DISARONNO 


| DISARONNO J 
ORIGINALE 


t AMARETTO 


Light a Fire 


FLATS OY 


to see her in the buff, she made the right 

ion in not posing nude. 
Vince Cooper 
Magalia, California 


The Elvira pin-up is beautiful, and the 
little black cats are a delightful touch. 
Please try to persuade her to pose for 
pravsov. Her legions of fans will be for- 
ever in your debt. 


Bruce Fletcher 
Deltona, Florida 


WINGING IT 
T enjoyed David Sheff"s interview with 
the ensemble from The West Wing (Octo- 
ber). Do you think that Janel Moloney 
would be willing to do a photo shoot? 
Steve Johnson 


San Jose, California 


Гт а very ardent fan of The West Wing 
and PLAYBOY, but I fficult to read 
about how inspired Martin Sheen and 
Rob Lowe were by President Clinton. I 
thank God when I hit my knees at night 
that these actors are reading scripts in 
Hollywood and not drafting legislation 
in D.C. 


Pat LeMire 
Madison, Wisconsin 


The idea that The West Wing is the smart- 
est show on television is utterly laugh- 
able. If you're looking for the most in- 


telligent, best-written show, you should 
tune in an hour later. Law and Order is 


Nuts about the Nadas. 


the real deal, and has been for more 
than a decade. 

Jason Fredregill 

West Des Moines, lowa 


DE NADAS 
1 liked The Four Yar Road Trip (Octo- 
ber) and can’t wait to see the Nadas in 
concert and to get my hands on one of 
their albums. 
Jay Young 
Manhattan, Kansas 


Alison Lundgren did a wonderful job 
of describing how the Nadas are 
it the old-fashioned way—an 
feat in light of all the pop fads and one- 
hit wonders these days. 
Nate Booth 
Carbondale, Illinois 


BAD TIMING 
1 opened the November issue and fol- 
lowed my usual routine of checking out 
your music reviews as one of the first 
pages I look at—after the Centerfold, of 
course. I'm sure I'm not the only one 
who noticed that the cover of the Coup's 
Party Music CD bears an uncanny resem- 
blance to the horrifying events in New 
York City. | know both the CD cover and 
your magazine were printed prior to the 
World Trade Center tragedy, but this 
gave me chills. 1 wonder how the Coup 
feels about the eerie similarity. 
Kristofer Kirchen 
Tampa, Florida 
The Coup's label changed the cover and 
sent their “thoughts and prayers to everyone 
this tragedy has touched.” 


SIMPSONOLOGY, MY ARSE 
The Oxford English Dictionary is about 

60 years off. The term doh (After Hours, 
October) isn't Homer Simpson's crea- 
tion. Laurel and Hardy foil James Fin- 
layson is the originator of that remark 
Fin, like the great Edgar Kennedy, was a 
master of the slow burn, and every time 
he did one, he exclaimed, “Doh!” 

Ira Shprintzen 

New Rochelle, New York 


THE SPORTING LIFE 
Thanks, pLavoy, for reminding me 
why I love college with your Girls of 
the SEC pictorial. But shame on you for 
not including Ohio State strong safety 
Mike Doss on your All- 
America team (Playboy's 
Pigskin Preview, October). 
He's arguably the best de- 
fensive back in the country. 
Greg Bonis 
Columbus, Ohio 


I'm surprised PLAYBOY 
followed the lead of the 
sports powers that be and 
featured only players from 
big conferences in the Pig- 
skin Preview. MTSU is on 
the rise, and although Gary Cole may 
not know who they are, I guarantee that 
their opponents do. 

Jason Lien 
Murfreesboro, Tennessee 

Pigskin prognosticator Gary Cole replies: 
Hey, I'm from Tennessee, and even I don't 
care about Middle Tennessee State football. 


While your "Rest of the Best" contains 
some solid picks, there were a few glar- 
ing omissions and at least one reach. 
s David Carr is one of the 
acks in college football. You 
also left out Arizona linebacker Lance 
Briggs, who draws the attention of PAC 
10 offensive coordinators and line coach- 
es. Jason Thomas, on the other hand, is 
overrated. 


Dave Nagel 
‘Tucson, Arizona 


THE HEINRICH MANEUVER 

Of the 10 Playmates so far this year, 
three are from Ohio. From one Buck- 
eye to another, congrats to Stephanie 
Heinrich (Stephanie Starts Over, October). 


JT Rapp 
Columbus, Ohio 


Beautiful Buckeye. 


I can't deny that Miss October is a 
beautiful woman, but do we really need 
to see another blonde Playmate who just 
happens to live at the Playboy Mansion? 
How about throwing in an occasional 
redhead or a spicy Latina or maybe even 
a brunette every once in a while? Hey, 
Hef, even lobster gets boring if you eat it 
all the time. 

R.B. Cooperstown 
Carson City, Nevada 


A BROAD ABROAD 

I'm spending my senior year study- 
ing in Rome, and thanks to your Buzz 
From Abroad (October), my first extend- 
ed break was a fabulous bicycle trip be- 
tween Florence and the Cinque Terre 
Thanks a million. 


Mary Morris 
Rome, Italy 


UP IN SMOKE 

In September's Potpourri, you had an 
item for cigar-loving cyclists about mo- 
torcycle humidors (“Hog Humido 
but you 
can pu 


eglected to mention where I 
hase one. 


Jack Williams 
Denver, Colorado 
Oops. For more information, call Luxus 
Design of Switzerland at 800-418-4653. 


gh pe 


LAVOR. FRESH TOBACCO TASTE; 


amazon.com. 


Availability subject to change without notice. TM. @ & Copyright ©2001 by Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. 
www. paremount.com/homevideo 


aft 


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urs 


A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


NEW YEAR’S ABSOLUTION 


Signs that you made as much of an ass 
of yourself at the office holiday party as 
you think you did: 

There's tinsel stuck in your pubes. 

Chunky receptionist sends you a Whit- 
man's Sampler and a thank-you note. 

The doctored poster of you in the 
mailroom. 

Your new nickname: Jerry Fallswell. 

Your co-workers sing Who Let the Dogs 
Out? whenever you walk by. 

Corporate accounting issues a memo 
stating that there will be no reimburse- 
ment for charges from Sadie's House of 
Whacks. 

Your underwear is returned to you in 
an interoffice envelope. 

Your boss asks for a list of all your cur- 
rent projects. 


FROM ABBA TO DOUBLE D 


A soft drink from Sweden recently in- 
troduced in the U.S. is the latest product 
to come along that claims it can enlarge 
a woman's breasts. The gold-hued tonic 
is called Wunder Titte (German for “nice 
knockers"). Each eight-ounce can con- 
tains herbs that supposedly stimulate fe- 
male hormones. According to American 
distributor Nordic Drinks, a woman who 
quafls the juice for four months can look 
for an increase of up to at least one cup 
size, We're skeptical. The only northern 
European elixir that adds inches—albeit 
indiscriminately—is beer. 


Q. AND A. WITH THE D 


The world of music needs ‘Tenacious 
D. With songs like Karate Schnitzel, 
Jack Black (the record clerk in High Fidel- 


ity) and Kyle Gass (alternately referred 
to as Rage, Cage and Rage Cage) have 
thrown the switch on power ballads. 
They've done two HBO comedy specials 
and their new sell-titled album features 
Foo Fighter Dave Grohl and Page Mc- 
Connell of Phish. We called the D in mid- 
tour for some pressing answers to soft 
questions. 

In Fuck Her Gently, you advise men on 


HOT ACCESSORY 


You probably won't see the rockets’ 
red glare or bombs bursting in air, but 
shrewd survivalists can breathe eosy 


with this authentic U.S. military gas 
mask ($240, from our friends ot us 
wings.com), It protects against chemi 

cal and biological agents as well as ri- 
ot-control material. If comes in black 


gentle sex and discreet balling. Do you have 
any other sex tips? 

BLACK: It’s good to actually do stuff be- 
fore the actual event. | recommend a lot 
of dry humping. Wet humping is over- 
rated. Dry humping is where it's at. It's a 
lost art. Real sale sex. 

What's the difference between you and a 
real metal guy like Tommy Lee? 

BLACK: The difference between the D 
and Tommy Lee: I haven't been cap- 
tured on video with my schlong out. 1 
have never used mousse or spray gel 
I've never been with Pamela Anderson 
I've never been in prison. We party way 
harder than he does. And Rage has a 
much thicker cock. Tommy has a link- 
shaped cock. Cage has more of a beer 
can. Everybody's penis is a little bit 
different 

Gass: They're like fingerprints. 

BLACK: That should be the new finger- 
print—the penis print 


20 


WHY GIRLS SAY YES— 
REASON #9 


f his uniform: 


hly recommend his. 
uniform on. А! 


What's the greatest power ballad ever 
recorded? 

BLACK: What is a power ballad, Cage? 
Cage is a doctor of musicology. 

cass: It's where the lighters go up. 

BLACK: My personal favorite is The 
Unforgiven by Metallica. I don't know if 
they based it on the movie or if it came 
out first. That should have been on the 
soundtrack. 

Gass: The movie is just Unforgiven. 
The song is The Unforgiven. Remember 
when we saw Cradle? It’s just titled 
Cradle Will Rock. There's no “the” at the 
beginning. 

What are your fans like? 

BLACK: Hef likes us. We played at a 
party he was at. At first he wasn't into 
us. Then we played Double Team and he 
perked up. He was like, “Wait a second. 
These kids have potential.” 

Do you think Justin and Britney fuck? 

Gass: They should just get it on. Put on 
the white glove and do it. 

BLACK: They already have, for sure. 
They say they haven't because it could 
hurt record sales. She sings Гт Not That 
Innocent. If she was a virgin, she would 
be innocent 

GASS: Maybe she's into heavy petting. 

BLACK: Oh, I see. She's pulling a Bill 
Clinton. 

What are your turn-ons and turnoffs? 

Gass: My turn-ons are sandy beach- 
unsets, soft-shell crabs. 

BLACK: Damn, those are good 
You've got all S's. That was poetic. 

Gass: My turnoffs are angry peo- 
ple, overcast skies and cars with no 
acceleration. 

What are your contractual demands for 
backstage? 


celery, ranch dress- 
ing and lots of beer. 
Gass: Soy milk and a goat fetus. 


NICE TITIAN 


The Roman Institute of Psychology 
conducted a study of 2000 museum visi 
tors to gauge the impact of art on the 
bido. According to Artnews, 20 percent of 
the respondents had an “erotic adven- 
ture” triggered by a trip to a museum. 
The glorious state of arousal has been 
dubbed the Rubens syndrome. Overall, 
museums ranked higher than nightclubs 


as desirable and likely places for affare di 
amore. The researchers say the Rubens 
syndrome is a spontaneous response to 
the beauty of art: When enjoying the 
classical scenes depicting romping and 
ravaging, men and women 
get horny. According to the 
study, a Caravaggio painting 
or a Greek sculpture is more 
likely to lead to sex than a 
work by Veronese, while 
modern pieces by Braque 
and Mondrian don't get mu- 
seum goers half so worked 
up. The Palazzo Doria in 
Genoa, the Brera in Milan 
and the Gallery of Modern 
Art in Turin are the three 
most infectious places for 
contracting the syndrome. In 
addition, the sculptures of 
Hercules and The Dying Gaul 
in Rome's Capitoline Museum 
were given special mention. 
A guard at the Capitoline 
confirmed the randy behav- 
ior of art lovers, and said, 
“Just think of the incredible 
eroticism of The Dying Gaul. 
It's easy to see why people 
can't remain indifferent.” 


THE TIP SHEET 


Crunk: As in, “Let's get crunk” (a vari- 
ation of cranked up). It's the battle cry 
of ballers from the Dirty South, notably 
rapmasters and NFL linemen. Who are 


DISH OF THE MONTH 


Kevin Graham hunted rabbits when he was growing up in Englond. Now he 
gets them—organic and free-range—from a rabbit farm in New Mexico not far 
from Lo Posada de Santa Fe, the luxury spa and resort where he is executive 
chef. He smokes rabbit over juniper wood, then braises it in apple juice ond a 
splash of Pernod with a few blackberries tossed in. It makes for a nice picture 
(below) end cn even tostier meal. Those are kirsch-morinated cherries on the 
side, which are balanced by a crisp potato circle and a few tuiles. French chefs 
serve cookie tuiles with dessert, but Graham makes his from poblano chilies 
and yellow peppers—they're like veggie chips with а Southwestern kick. The 


sprig of tarragon on top is = „ 
minds us of a oT 


bunny tail. We F, 


like bunny tail. 


meant fo cool things down. Better yet, it re- 


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holiday BORusesz 
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paid in cash. 


ENJOYOIR QUALITY RESFONSTHILY В ооз Imported by The Glenlivet 


fear Old Smo М Scotch Whitby, „ob by Velo Proof]. The Glenlivet! 


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мето агрие? 

Merry Christmas From the Family (Rut- 
ledge Hill everyone dreaming of a 
white-trash Christmas comes a picture- 
heavy book based on the hit song by 
‘Texas giant Robert Earl Keen. Loaded 
with tips, including how to make a tam- 
pon angel for the tree and a recipe for a 
bourbon sandwich (bourbon, ice, hold 
the bread). 

Terror sex: How some New Yorkers de- 
scribed a need for intense, exhaustive 
coupling alter the attack on the World 
Trade Center. Infidels make bet- 

ter lovers. 
Bad pun of the month: Net- 
scape buys Yahoo. The new 
company will be called 
Net'n’Yahoo. 

Putt or Go Blind: The 
Potty Putter, an artificial- 
turf putting green, is 
the size of a bath mat 
and fits around the base 
ofa standard toilet. Now 
you can work on your 
putting while shitting, 
and vice versa. Includes 
ball, flag, putter and Do 
Я NOT DISTURB sign. 

Porn Star: The Legend 


f 


[ve alwoys 
wonted to 


dosame- M of Ron Jeremy: Just like the 
thing стогу Ш hedgehog himself, this doc- 
under. 0,wa- Ё umentary is short and pen- 
terfoll with В etrating—and only a cer- 
greenery oll M. tain kind of girl will stick it 
over the in her machine. 
ploce—not Red-white-and-blue con- 
even neces- Д doms: A dozen for $10 at 
Condomania, now new 
annie and improved with tighter 
‘and ploy borders, 
Dewey, Cheatem and Howe: 
and splosh JÎ Classic spoof law firm name 
in. the water." 


from vaudeville, used by 
everybody, including the 
Three Stooges and the Tap- 
pet Brothers on NPR's Car 
Talk. It made news again thanks to Texas 
con artist Patrick Penker, who used it to 
fleece banks, credit card outfits and casi- 


—Joro Reid 


head Ge 


/au may see 


inos out of $1 million. 

Royal Elastics: Remember when Run- 
DMC bragged they had no shoestrings 
in their Adidas? That's the concept be- 
hind Royal Elastics’ street sneaks, too. 
Best of all, they actually stay on, making 
them the king of rubbers. 

Stereo Total: We're addicted to Liebe du 
Dritt (German for "thi way love”), from 
the band’s new album, Musique Automa- 
tique, on Bungalow Records. The song 
ain't bad, either. 

Horny? Los Angeles (Really Great): Pock- 
et paperback listing 300 strip clubs, bars 


тоге West in San 
of 


and pickup spots. Out-of-towners can 
read it and weep. 


RING STINGERS 


If fundamentalist terror doesn't create 
enough concern, police in Kazakhstan 
are cracking down on another subver- 
sive pursuit. The Institute for War and 
Peace Reporting said many citizens in 
the former Soviet republics are fans of 
J.R.R. Tolkien. Ring nuts dress like hob- 
bits and reenact scenes from The Lord of 
the Rings trilogy, which first arrived there 
with glasnost. One enthusiast claimed 


THE BOYFRIEND BUSTER 


So your girlie can't quite explain the vomit on her sweater or the bite marks on 
her butt? Then the Handy Truster Emotion Reader from 911 Computer in Ko: 
rea (available online) is for you. The makers of the palm-size unit claim it de: 
tects lies and prevarication through involuntary changes in speech timbre. It 
comes with a mike and phone jack. Calibrated by registering vocal patterns of 
statements known to be true, the gizmo can put a real crimp in your Friday 


night plans if it falls into the wrong, dainty hands, Know it. Fear it. And if you 
are ever confronted with its 80 percent accuracy rate, plead the Fifth 


24 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


QUOTE 
“A fanatic 
is someone 
who can't 
change his 
mind and won't 
change the sub- 
ject."—WINSTON 
CHURCHILL 


FLATTOP FACTS 

Length in feet 
of aircraft carrier 
U.S.S. Carl S. Vin- 
son, principal ship 
of the battle group 
that is stationed in 
the Indian Ocean: 
1092. Gost to build 
the Vinson: $1.3 bil- 
lion. Gallons of fuel 
on board when the 
Vinson's tanks are 
full: 3 million. Number of miles it can 
travel without refueling: 1 million. 


Crew: 6000. 


HOT STEPPING 
The number of people living in AE 
ghanistan, roughly the size of Texas: 
27 million. Number of land mines in 
Afghanistan: 10 million. Number of 
Afghans killed each month by land 
mines: 100. 


TERMINAL TRAFFIC 

Percentage of weapons and contra- 
band that was overlooked by airport 
screeners in 1978: 13. Percentage of 
weapons and contraband that was 
overlooked in 2000: 20. Number of 
jobs that were cut by airlines shortly 
after the attacks on September 11: 
100,000. Amount of aid from Con- 
gress sought by the airline industry: 
$24 billion. Amount received: $15 bil- 
lion. Amount targeted for laid-off 
employees: $0. 


FORBIDDING HIGH LANDS 

Percentage of land in Afghanistan 
thatis arable: 4. Percentage of world's 
opium supply that comes from Af- 
ghan poppy fields: 72. Percentage of 
Afghan opium grown in Taliban-con- 
trolled areas: 96. Estimated revenue 
to the Taliban from the opium trade: 
$50 million to $100 million. Price of 
fresh opium in Jalalabad on Septem- 
ber 10: $700 per kilo. Price two weeks 
later: $100 per kilo. 


THE HUMAN TOUCH 
Prior to Septem- 
ber 11, the amount 
ga of hu- 
mani- 
tarian aid 
that was sent 
to Afghanistan by 
the U.S., the larg- 
est provider of 
humanitarian aid 
to the Taliban: $43 
million. Amount of 
U.S. aid earmarked 
for Afghanistan af- 
ter the September. 
11 attacks: $320 
million. Number of 
daily ration pack- 
ets that the U.S. 
dropped on first 
day of bombing: 
37,500. Percentage 
of Afghan children that dies before 
the age of 5: 25. 


CODE XXX 

Number of transmissions that Ech- 
clon, a global communications caves- 
dropping system that scans for such 
suspicious words and phrases as nu- 
clear, bomb, hacker, FBI, Bugs Bun- 
ny and Bubba the Love Sponge, is 
said to be capable of intercepting per 
minute: 3 million. 


GLOBAL COPS 
Number of countries that belong to 
Interpol: 179. 


BIG BUDGETS 

Annual national defense budget of 
the U.S.: $343 billion. The estimated 
cost of the Star Wars missile defense 
shield: $30 billion. Amount the CIA 
spends annually on spy satellites and 
electronic surveillance: $10 billion. 
Amount spent on covert operations 
in east Asia: $10 million. 


BORDERS BOOKED 

‘The estimated number of terrorist 
groups in Canada: 50. Percentage of 
terrorist groups allowed to raise mon- 
ey in Canada, so long as the money 
isn’t used for violent purposes: 100. 
Number of patrol agents who are sta- 
tioned along the U.S.-Canadian bor- 
der: 300. Number of patrol agents 
stationed along the U.S.—Mexican 
border: 7700. —ALISON LUNDGREN 


Kazakh officials accuse the actors of "be- 
ing Satanists and conducting dark ritu 
als." That's what women here say, too, 
when we ask them to comb our feet. 


WINDOW DISSING 


Given that window designer is a pro- 
fession popular among men of height- 
ened sensitivity, it is ironic that Bloom- 
ingdale's in New York recently asked 
Eminem to decorate a store window. 
Slim’s first concept—a replica of himself 
on the crapper next to toilet paper bear- 
ing the likenesses of Britney Spears and 
Christina Aguilera—was watered down 
to a dummy of him standing by a wall 
bearing the graffito, “For a good time 
call Britn- ” Hours after the window 
was unveiled, store officials had the wall 
papered over 


SONGS FOR 
SLEEPING WITH YOUR 
BEST FRIEND’S GIRL 


Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash: Perfect 
for humming along. And while she's 
down there, get used to the idea of 
flames licking your ass, too. 


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LAS VEGAS EIFFEL 


For dancers, Las Vegas will always 
be the place to lose your shirt. After 
dabbling in family fare, casinas 


have renewed their commitment to 
topless reviews. The MGM Grand 
has spent $3 million an a shaw 
from the Crazy Horse in Paris called 
La Femme. Thankfully, they saved 
on G-strings—the newest caochie 
accautrement is a tiny piece of 
sticky clath known as the patch, 


26 


Sandwiches by Detroit Grand Pubah 
See, it’s all about the power of sugge 
tion. She hears the lyrics, “I can be the 
burger girl,” and next time she brings 
her best friend. 

О.РР by Naughty by Nature: Ex- 
tremely versatile. Can be used for throw 
ing a hump at your best friend's lover or 
a complete stranger's girl 

The One I Love (Belongs to Somebody 
Else) by Frank Sinatra: Face it—you re a 
real sleaze. But as long as Frank's play- 
ing, you have at least a pretense 
of dass 

„ [s That Yo Bitch? by 
featuring Missy E 
When you're buddy is a 
| sad sack, and his girl wants 
a good time, and you're a 
coldhearted bastard. 

Dirty Weekend by Rod 
Stewart: You, too, can turn 
best-mate’s bird-shagging 
into a scene straight out 
of Caligula 

Bad Reputation by Joan 
Jett: We don't give a damn 
about our reputations, ci- 
ther, honey 

Best Friends by City 

High: When the who" 
T screwing-whom of bed- 
ab ding your pal's girl begins 
to resemble higher math, 
listen to this track. 

Layla by Derek and the 
Dominos: Because with 
one song, Eric Clapton 
wooed George Harrison's 
wife, won public acclaim 
and made a mountain 
of cash. 
thi Get Me Off by B 

ûll | Jaxx: If you're knocking 
boots on the downlow, 
this sums up the motive 

Long Black Veil by Letiy 
Frizzell: Honor and ro- 
mance collide head-on 
with some scary words—judge, scaffold, 
grave. Save it for after the breakup 


ement 


OH, OH, OH, OSAMA 


Why is Osama bin Laden so pissed 
off? Must be something to do with love 
and jealousy—hell hath no fury like a 
woman scorned. Think of all the ways 


he reminds you of a soon-to-be ex-girl- 
friend: Wears a dress, is vengeful, has a 
pouty, sensuous lower lip, doesn't like 
it when you come home drunk, has dole- 
ful eyes, always behind on the waxing, 
hints of complicated revenge scenarios, 
spends a lot of time plouing on the cell 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


SUSAN MALICK started memoriz- 
ing dialogue when most kids were 
learning their multiplication ta- 
bles. “I have a photographic 
memory. Out of sheer bore- 
dom, | would memorize 
every commercial on 
she says. "I would act them 
out for my family and 
friends.” The 26- 

year-old Michigan 

native has since applied 
her talents to Holly- 
wood classics. “I've seen 
Billy Wilder's Sunset Bou- 
levard more than 100 
times," she says. "I'd let it 
play all day long wi 

was studying at the Uni- 
versity of Michigan. | 
know every line.” After 
working the fashion 
runways, Susan landed 
small parts in such 

films as Last Days of 
Disco and Man on 

the Moon. Then she 
steamed up Merchant- 
Ivory’s period piece 
Cotton Mary. Now, 

you can see her play 

an assistant DA on 
Sidney Lumet’s new 

АЗЕ dramatic series, 

100 Centre Street. 

As she says, “I'm 

ready for my 

close-up, Mr. 

DeMille. | 

mean, Mr. 

Lumet.” 

For 

sure. 


phone, gets even more ornery when you 
take her to task for flying off the handle, 
has a secret stash of cash and is really 
hard to find when you actually want her. 


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28 


"SHE SAID. "You can't repeat the past.’ I 
said, ‘You can't? What do you mean you 
can't? Of course you сап,” sputters Bob 
Dylan in one of the hundreds of won- 
derful lines on Love and Theft (Columbia), 
his best album since (choose one) Blood 
on the Tracks or The Basement Tapes. The 
CD reclaims old musi- 
cal materials, a rock- 
and-roll pace and a 
youthful conviction 
that life is out there 
for the taking. Its con- 
cern with the passage 
of time comes natu- 
rally, and its tone is 
epitomized by the 
knock-knock joke that 
climaxes its best song. 

—ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


Maxwell's latest CD, Now (Columbia), 
marks a return to form after a fuzzy 
sophomore effort. His songwriting has 
improved and his voice, showcased on 
the ballad Lifetime and This Woman's Work, 
continues to mature. While the up-tem- 
po tracks are still a bit generic, Now has 
class and sensitivity. — —NELSON GEORGE 


R.L. Burnside's new live album, Burn- 
side on Burnside (Fat Possum), 1 
brings you a step closer to his 
intense, steamy juke joint per- 
formances. He and his band 
have more drive than rockers 
one third his age. —VIC GARBARINI 


By 1998, on the 900th anniver- 
sary of her birth, Hildegard yon 
Bingen had become the best-known 
composer of the Dark Ages. A mystic 
whose luminous visions may have been 
caused by migraines, she had a benevo- 
lent view of God and a haunting sense of 
melody. On Hildegard von Bingen (North- 
side), Garmarna gives her an inspired 
reinterpretation, adding ethereal elec 
tronic elements. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Sardonic studio wiz Al Kooper did 
not reserve all his talents for Dylan, the 


Christgau 


Garbarini 


fast tracks 


MO MONEY DEPARTMENT: According to 
Forbes, P. Diddy is the 22nd wealthiest 
person under the age of 40 in the 
U.S., with a fortune estimated at $231 
million. If he misses a court date or 
two, don’t worry, he can cover the fine. 

REELING AND ROCKING: Bodly Drawn 
Boy will pen and record the score and 
soundtrack for About a Boy by Nick 
(High Fidelity) Hornby. . - . Gorillaz, the 
cartoon band, is going to do a feature 
film. . . . Ja Rule's movie career is heating 
| up. He'll co-star with Steven Seagal in 
a prison film called Half Past Dead. 

NEWSBREAKS: A collector in Austra- 
lia bought a Paul-John-George auto- 
graph on pizza-stained paper for al- 
most $25,000. In other Beatles news: 
Developers in Liverpool plan to build 
the Hard Days Night Hotel. . . . An 
arts center named for Tupac will open 
in Atlanta in 2003. It will include an 

art gallery, performing arts studio 
and garden... New in the world 
of books: my Buffett's short-story 
collection is due out this year. 
Producer Phil Ramone 
(Streisand, Sinatra, Billy 
Joel and Paul Simon) is 


Stones and Lynyrd 
Skynyrd. He has 
packed disc one of 

Rare ond Well Done 

(Legacy) with ob- 
scurities, then used 
disc two to cover his career as 
an artist from This Diamond Ring and the 
Blues Project to solo tracks the Beastie 
Boys will sample again. ^ —DAVE MARSH 


The Who's 1970 Live at Leeds album 
caught the band at the pinnacle of its cre- 
ative powers. Now The Who Live ot Leeds 
(Deluxe Edition) (MCA) adds 18 unreleased 
songs from that concert. The rough 
hewn live renditions show Tommy work- 
ing better as rock than as opera. —v.G 


R.L. Burnside 
Burnside on Burnside. 7 


9 


10 


Merle Haggard 
Roots 


promising more than folklore and 
tales in his book from Hyperion. . . 
Bob Dylan says the autobiography he's 
working on will also be a critical look 
at the world. We 
would expect no 
less. . . . The first 
tangible result 
of the hip-hop 
summit is that the Congressional 
Black Caucus will host a panel called 
Hip-Hop and Political Empower- 
ment, including politicians, represen- 
tatives from Rock the Vote and Russell 
Simmons. The summit action network 
has formed a PAC to help candidates 
get elected who take strong stands on 
freedom-of-speech issues. . .. The big 
man isn’t waiting to see what Bruce 
Springsteen and the other E Streeters do 
next. Clarence Clemons plans a double 
CD and has resumed his solo gigs 
Aaliyah left behind two videos and at 
least one more CD. . . . Lastly, it will 
come as no surprise to his fans that 
Afromen was the headliner for the 
High Times awards show, where Be- 
cause I Got High was nominated for 
pot song of the year. —BARBARA NELLIS 


New R&B pops up faster than teen 
рар: I’m hyping Babyface, whose Face 2 
Face moves him to Arista. Updated beats 
augment his pro-woman lyrics on the 
best male R&B album of 2001. —RC 


On Merle Haggard's Roots (Epitaph), 
Lefty Frizzell's former guitarist 
Norm Stephens leads a 
band through tunes by 
Frizzell and Hank Willia: 
But it’s not a tribute—it's 
the freest music Merle has & 
made in decades. No mis: 
placed notes, but it never 
sounds careful. —DM 


Angie Stone's second solo album, 
Mahogany Soul ( J), lives up to its title. She 
brings gutsy, dark emotional sensibility 
to her material. Bottles and Cans is a satis- 
fying declaration of love. Brotha is a cal- 
culated celebration of black men, while 
The Ingredient, a duet with Musiq Soul- 
child, is a sharply arranged wack. —N.c. 

Tannis Xenakis was one of electronic 
music's greatest innovators. CCMIX: Electro- 
acoustic Music From Paris (Mode) collects 
amazing music from his studio. Without 
him, there'd be no Aphex Twin. Drukgs 
(Warp) is Richard James’ long-awaited 
tour de force, a two-CD set that points to 
the future of music. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


CRIMINAL ELEMENTS 


For the developers at Rockstar Games, 
car jackings, drug smuggling and 
drive-by shootings 

are all part ofa 


Grand Theft 

Auto Ш (one of the compa- 

latest games for PlayStation 2) 
begins in Liberty City. Having just es- 
caped from a prison van, players plug 
themselves into a Mafia connection 
with the help of fellow escapee Eight- 
ball (whose voice is provided by hip- 


DOLLARS AND CHIPS 


The federal government may soon have 
a whole new way to track spending. Hi- 
tachi recently announced the develop- 
ment of a microchip that's tiny enough 
10 be embedded in paper. Hailed as the 


hop star Guru, pictured here). But 
what begins as a job running errands 
(such as transporting a stripper from 
the clinic to the club) escalates into 
more serious scenarios—including 
the disposal of a car with a pair of 
corpses in the trunk, a drive- 
by shooting and the murder of 
a drug dealer. Liberty City's 
streets are crowded with more 
than 50 types of vehicles, and 
players in need of transporta- 
tion can easily dump out the 
driver and hop in. Just re- 
member to stay as inconspicu- 
ous as possible. The more your 
notoriety grows, the harder it 
will be to stay anonymous. Of- 
ficials send a SWAT team, FBI 
and Army after you. If evad- 
ing authorities sounds more 
exciting, try Rockstar's other 
recent PlayStation 2 game, Smug- 
gler's Run 2: Hostile Territory. Work- 
ing for a band of smugglers, you'll 
drive off-road in Russia and Vietnam 
to deliver contraband while dodg- 
ing or destroying the authorities and 
rival gangs out to steal your deliver- 
ies. Rockstar's next game is State 
of Emergency. After an oppressive 
group called the American Trade Or- 
ganization takes over the city, you and 
your fellow citizens riot in the streets. 
"The goal is to loot and destroy every- 
thing in hopes of destabilizing the 
group's authority.—JASON BUHRMESTER 


world's smallest radio-frequency identi- 
fication circuit, the mu-chip is 0.4 mil- 
limeter square (about the size of a speck 
of pepper) and capable of broadcasting 
information to vireless receivers up to a 
foot away. The chip's ID information is 
embedded in read-only memory during 


ARCADE ARCHAEOLOGY 


the manufacturing process and provides 
high resistance to tampering. And while 
there are dozens of applications for the 
mu-chip, the most obvious is currency 
authentication, With the proliferation of 
scanners and high-quality ink-jet print- 
ers, an increasing number of people now 
print their own money. In 1995 the U.S. 
Secret Service reported less than one 
percent of seized counterfeit bills were 
created using a home computer. Last 
year, 47 percent of scized bills were 
produced with 
a computer and 
printer. While 
the recent bill 
redesign was in- 
tended to thwart 
amateur coun- 
terfeiters, micro- 
chips would bea 
particularly dif- 
ficult obstacle to 
overcome. Hi- 
tachi says cach ~ 

chip is capable ZEN 
of storing and 3 
broadcasting up SEC 
to 128 bits of in 

formation, which could include an en- 
crypted serial number. Other applica- 
tions call for embedding the chips in 
driver's licenses, traveler's checks, legal 
documents, passports or even concert 
tickets. The mu-chip could also be em- 
bedded in everything from bicycles to 
jewelry to help locate the proper owner 
in case of theft. Hitachi is gearing up to 
market the technology, and the cost 
of the mu-chip is expected to drop to a 
few pennies each once full-scale produc- 
tion begins next year. And while conspir- 
acy theorists have already fixed on the 
technology as an insidious agent of Big 
Brother, keep in mind that most Amer- 
icans already carry a locator chip: the 
mobile telephone. LAZLOW 


There's more to know about classic video games than just where 
to put the quarter. Two new books, Supercade: A Visual History 
of the Videogame Age 1971-1984 by Van Burnham (MIT Press) 
and Arcade Fever: The Fan's Guide to the Golden Age of Video 
Games by John Sellers (Running Press), explore the stories be- 
hind early games such as Asteroids, Donkey Kong and Drag- 
on's Lair. Both are worth checking out, even if it means puuno 


down your PlayStation controller for a few minutes. 


WHERE AND UON TO DIN CR DIGE wb: 


30 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


A SECOND CHANCE 


With fewer decent movies to choose 
from every year, it's a crime that any 
gems should slip through the cracks, yet 
it always seems to happen. Looking back 

at a fairly dismal 
2001, I can point 
to a handful of 
films that deserve 
a second chance, 
which home vid- 
eo can provide. If 
you haven't seen 
these films, you 
should. 

The Pledge was 
the first really 
good film of the 
year, but its non- 
formulaic story 
line (from the 
novel by Friedrich 
Dürrenmatt) and 
its failure to fit 
Finding the Center. into a convenient 
category made ita tough sell. Jack Nich- 
olson is exceptional as a police detective 
who, on the eve of his retirement, gets 
involved in a child murder case and 
makes a promise he cannot shake. Robin 
Wright Penn, Benicio Del Toro, Vanessa 
Redgrave, Sam Shepard and Tom Noo- 
nan co-star in this challenging film, di- 
rected by Sean Penn. 

Startup.com is my favorite film of the 
past year, a feature-length documentary 
that's as compelling as any piece of fic- 


tion I've seen in recent memory. It is a 
cinema verité look at a couple of boy- 
hood friends who start an online service 
but face a series of growing pains nei- 
ther one could possibly predict. Bravo to 
filmmakers Jehane Noujaim and Chris 
Hegedus. 

Songcatcher is another superb piece of 
storytelling from the underrated direc- 
tor Maggie Greenwald, whose previous 
credits include The Kill-Off and The Bal- 
lad of Little Jo. Janet McTeer (who re- 
ceived an Oscar nomination for Tumble- 
weeds two years ago) plays a musicologist 
of the early 20th century who collects 
folk songs in Appalachia—and is human- 
ized in the process. Aidan Quinn, Jane 
Adams, Emmy Rossum and the wonder- 
ful Pat Carroll co-star in this lovingly 
crafted film. 

Wayne Wang's Center of the World is a 
provocative small-scale film shot on digi- 
tal video. It deals with the sometimes 
blurry line between sexual fantasy and 
reality, as a newly rich computer geek 
hires a stripper to spend a weekend with 
him in Las Vegas. At a time when most 
films deal with nothing whatsoever, this 
stands out all the more 

For pure entertainment, it would be 
hard to top The Dish, a delightful comedy 
from Australia starring Sam Neill as the 
scientist in charge of a remote satellite 
dish that turns out to be essential to the 
success of America's Apollo 11 flight. 
The humor arises from quirks of human 
nature, as opposed to the nonstop stu- 
pidity that most people mistake for com- 
edy nowadays. The Dish is my cup of tea. 


SCENE STEALER 


JOELY RICHARDSON. now 
ON-SCREEN: Playing Marie An- 
toinette in The Affair of the Neck- 
lace. HER ILLUSTRIOUS BACK- 
GROUND: Her mother is Vanes- 
sa Redgrave, her father was 
director Tony Richardson, 
her sister is Natasha Richard- 
son and her aunt is Lynn Red- 
grave. THE BEST PART SHE EVER 
TURNED DOWN: "I've been asked. 
to play Princess Diana a few 
times, while she was alive and 
after she died. All the times I 
declined for obvious reasons, 
despite the enormous amounts 
of money.” WHY? “Because it 
would be tacky!” WHAT WAS 
IT LIKE WEARING MARIE ANTOI- 
МЕТТЕ'5 ELABORATE COSTUMES? 
“They really are staggeringly 
beautiful; costume designer 
Milena Canonero is a true 
artist, but that has its upside 


and its downside. When they 

put that silly wig on me, it was 
truly exciting, but then when 
they put the birdcage on top of 

the wig with a real bird in it, 
plus the corset, the whole 
thing must have weighed as 
much as 1 do.” THE TOUGHEST 

PART OF FILMING EXPLICIT SEX 

Б SCENES IN DROWNING BY NUM- 

(^ BERS SO EARLY IN HER CA- 
REER: "Not laughing, basical- 

ly, while you are doing the most 
ridiculous things. And the cold! 

We made Drowning by Numbers 

in October and November, and 

we were essentially all nude or 

in swimsuits, In England on 

| that part of the coast, you get 
the fierce Siberian wind. Then 

you had to give the illusion that 
you're hot and the weather is balmy 
and sensual. That was the single 
toughest acting job.” —LM. 


SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


The Affair of the Necklace A young wom- 
an schemes against Marie Antoinette 
in order to restore her family's good 
name. Jonathan Pryce, Simon Baker, 
Christopher Walken and Joely Rich- 
ardson lead a solid cast, but Hilary 
Swank lacks crucial charisma in the 
starring role. УУ 
Amélie Winsome Audrey Tautou plays 
the title character in this utterly charm- 
ing French import about a young 
woman who sets out to alter the fate 
of the unhappy people around her— 
but comes up short when happiness 
stares her in the face. One of the 
year’s most entertaining films. УУУУ; 
The Business of Strangers Julia Stiles 
plays mind games with businesswom- 
an Stockard Channing during one 
eventful evening in this small but in- 
triguing film. Director Patrick Stett- 
ner provides his two stars with juicy, 
interesting parts. E 
Donnie Darko Is the title character hav- 
ing hallucinations or premonitions? 
This ambitious film doesn't provide 
a satisfying answer. Jake Gyllenhaal 
stars; Drew Barrymore, the executive 
producer, plays a teacher. vy 
From Hell johnny Depp stars in this 
beautifully crafted film about the 
search for Jack the Ripper. Kudos to 
the Hughes Brothers for reinventing 
Grand Cuignol. УУУУ; 
К-Рах Kevin Spacey is always worth 
watching, but this vaguely mushy film 
can't decide if it’s a whimsical fantasy 
or a clinical case study: Jeff Bridges 
tries to unlock the mystery of a man 
who says he’s from another planet. ¥¥ 
My First Mister Christine Lahti makes 
an impressive directing debut with this 
quiet, unpredictable story of an alien- 
ated teenager (Leelee Sobieski) whose 
life turns around when she goes to 
work for store manager Albert Brooks. 
‘Two superb performances anchor this 
beautifully told tale. Wh 
No Man’s Land Another highlight of 
the moviegoing year is this darkly 
satiric look at the war in Bosnia as 
told through the plight of two men 
from opposing sides who find them- 
selves stranded together in a trench 
between lines. WY 
Riding in Cars With Boys Drew Barry- 
more plays a woman whose life plans 
are constantly thwarted in a film that 
offers less than meets the eye. УУ 


| wy Don't miss 
УУУ Good show 


Are you DEWAR'S Profile material? 
Visit www.dewars.com 


= 
2 
я 
$ 
= 
3 
- 


They're Dewar's. 


The co-creators of CRANIUM* board game 
Whit Alexander & Richard Telt 


DEWAR'S* PROFILE | 002 


They're out of their minds. After years of working for software companies, 
they decided to roll the dice - putting their heads together and creating a 
board game that uses both sides of the brain. Their friends thought they 
were crazy. But now they're looking pretty smart. 

They're Cranium." 


Finest Score Winsen 


"White Label‘ 


Though he's most rec- 
ognized for his comedic 

work in the cult f: 
vorites Waiting 
for Guffman 
and Best 
in Show, 
actor 
and direc- 
tor Bob Balaban 
takes his cinema seri- 
ously. Not that he 
doesn't go for the occa- 
sional laugh when pop- 
ping in a tape. “My favorite, always, is La 
Ronda by Max Ophúls—it holds up beauti- 
fully. And Citizen Kane, of course. | know 
that's probably a boring pick and everyone 
chooses that, but | feel the same way. | 
love The Sweet Smell of Success and 
watch it all the time. I'd have to include 
The Palm Beach Story, Hail the Conquering 
Hero and Miracle of Morgan Creek by 
Preston Sturges—actually, anything 
by Preston Sturges. And Woody Allen's 
Crimes and Misdemeenors will always be 
one of my favorites. © —1AURENCE LERMAN 


SWITCHING JOBS 


Directors have been acting since 1914, 
when Cecil B. DeMille played a card deal- 
erin The Squaw Man. We're not sure what 
drives them in front of the camera— 
maybe it has something to do with ego— 
but some do it better than others, 

Sydney Pollack: Won best director Oscar 
for Out of Africa (1985) and was nomi- 
nated for They Shoot Horses, Don't They? 
(1969) and Töotsie (1982). But as an ac- 
tor he stole the show in Eyes Wide Shut 
(1999), The Player (1992), Husbands and 
Wives (1992), Death Becomes Her (1992) 
and Toolsie (again) as the agent. We'll for- 
give him for Bobby Deerfield (1977). 

Garry Marshall: One of the most success- 
ful directors in history, his Pretty Woman 
(1990) and Runaway Bride (1999) would 
be enough for most careers. Marshall 
has a chatty, avuncular personality that 
has also influenced Lost in America (1985), 
Jumpin’ Jack Flash (1986) and A League 
of Their Oum (1992). We'll overlook The 
Other Sister (1999). 

Richard Attenborough: Hc began acting in 
1942 but won his first Oscar for direct- 
ing—Gandhi (1983). He has also helmed 
A Bridge Too Far (1977), Cry Freedom 
(1987), Chaplin (1992) and the ignored 
Grey Oul (1999), and has acted in some 
good ones: The Great Escape (1963), The 
Flight of the Phoenix (1965) and The Sand 
Pebbles (1966). Sadly, Attenborough now 


32 gets roles that used to go to Burl Ives 


(Miracle on 34th Street, 1994, The Lost 
World: Jurassic Park, 1997) 

John Huston: Nominated for 14 Oscars 
and won best director and best screen- 
play for The Treasure of the Sierra Madre 
(1948). Even got a best supporting actor 
nomination for The Cardinal (1963). But 
directing The Maltese Falcon (1941), Key 
Largo (1948), The African Queen (1951), 
The Man Who Would Be King (1975) and 
Prizzi’s Honor (1985) easily overshadow 
acting in Casino Royale (1967), Candy 
(1968) and Myra Breckenridge (1970). 
Woody Allen: The best-known Hollywood 
hyphenate is great when directing him- 
self: Take the Money and Run (1969), Sleep- 
er (1973), Annie Hall (1977) and Manhat- 
tan (1979), to name a few. But when he 
recites other people's dialogue—Scenes 
From a Mall (1991), Picking Up the Pieces 
(2000) and Company Man (2000) —some- 
thing gets lost in the translation. 

Mel Brooks: In small doses—Blazing Sad- 
dles (1974), for instance—his hyperener- 
gy is hilarious. In larger doses, he's too 
much—such as in High Anxiety (1977) 
But as a director—The Producers (1968), 
The 12 Chairs (1970), Saddles and Young 
Frankenstein (1974)—few are funnier 
We'll forgive him for Life Stinks (1991), 
but just barely. — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


Righted Wrong of the Month: Med Max 
Special Edition ($20, MGM), the 1979 Aus- 
tralian film that introduced Mel Gibson, 
was dubbed with American voices when 
it was feared that the Aussie brogues 
would flummox American ears. Mad 
Max now arrives in its original flavor 
Count Steven Spielberg's first World 
War 11 epic, The Empire of the Sun, among 
the films that will never seem the same 


haracter Lola Lola 

Jf Professor Rath, squirm- 
our seats. The two-disc DVD (Kino. 
)of this ode to Weimar € 


‘stored German version (with ubti 
tles), an English version and Dietrich's. 
t. With this luminous restor 


after the events of September 11 
Newly available on DVD in a two-sided 
disc ($25, Warner Bros.), the film is tak- 
en from Ј.С. Ballard's boyhood memoir, 
depicting his World War I1 experienc- 
es ina Shanghai prison camp during 
the Japanese occupation. Christian Bale 
portrays Jim, a boy whose four-year 
journey from coddled son of British ex 
patriates to hardened camp survivor is 
sustained, in part, by his love of air- 
planes. Paradoxically, Jim both salutes 
the Japanese Zero pilots on a nearby 
airstrip and shouts gleefully from the 
rooftop as American P-51s bomb the 
runway. A box-office and critical dud in 
1987, Empire's rep improves with age, 
and experience. — GREGORY Р FAGAN 


(CREATURE FEATURE 


Planet of the Apes (Tim Roth goes ape on time-traveler Mark 
Wahlberg in Tim Burton's eye-popping monkey pageant), 
Jurassic Park Ш (dumb kid drops in, rich parents pursue, di- 
nosaurs eat; sans Spielberg, but still some bite). 


The Score (fat fence Brando sends De Niro and Edward Nor- 
ton after it; a tidy heist film they won't regret making). Bread 
and Roses (LA office cleaners unite, as do organizers Adrien 
Brody and Pilar Padilla: fine lefty lob by Ken Loach). 


Made (LA baca-bingers Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn run 
a Mob errand in NYC; like their Swingers, often hilarious), Os- 
mosis Jones (the Farrelly brothers do Fantastic Voyage as a 
gross-out cartoon inside Bill Murray's gut; bizarre fun). 


LOVE STINKS 


America's Sweethearts (they split, and flack Billy Crystal spins; 
lacks The Ployer's venom, but still stings a bil), Original Sin 
(mail-order bride Angelina Jolie, pure scheming evil, bums 
Antonio Banderas; limited suspense. great sex) 


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By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


MP3 WRAPPER 


Ever since a judge ruled against Napster last year, music fans 
have pretty much given up on it. But they didn't give up on 
file swapping. According to a recent report by Webnoize, more 
than 3 billion files were downloaded in August on four Nap- 
ster replacements. That beats Napster's peak month of Febru- 
ary, when 2.8 billion tunes were traded. The four new wading 
networks—Fast Track (fasttrack.nu), Audiogalaxy (audiogal 
axy.com), iMesh (imesh.com) and Gnutella (gnutella.wego. 
com)—are used to swap MP3s, bootleg movies and software 
“The film and record industries wring their hands over them, 
because these new systems are harder to police than Napster. 
Whatare people doing with those down- 
loaded CD-ROMs? They go to papercd 
case.com, a site that lets them fill out a 
form with song or file names and print 
out nice-looking CD envelopes that list 
the contents. Of course, you 
don't need to be a copyright vi- 
olator to use papercdcase.com. 
It's great for making labels for 
compilations from audio CDs 
you've actually paid for. 


(ЧА ДАТ JOLT 
мт | ок) 


Com 


2 


aE c 
CHOOSE A CHARA 7 N здр, 


SEALAB REDUX 


When Sealab 2020 debuted 
in 1972, 1 thought it was 
the coolest Saturday morn- 
ing cartoon ever. Created 
by one of the producers of 
the original Siar Trek se- 
ries, Sealab 2020 was about 
scientists in an undersea 
research laboratory. The 
animation was rotten, but 
the stories were excellent. I'd forgouen all about it until 
Cartoon Network launched its “Adult Swim” evening pro- 
gramming schedule. My favorite show in the lineup, which 
features a host of hip cartoons, is Sealab 2021. It takes 
the old episodes and adds hilarious voiceovers in the vein of 
What's Up, Tiger Lily? You can view a clip and find out about its 
characters (the best name: Marco Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Ga- 
briel Garcia Marquez) at adultswim.com. Oh, and if the orig- 
inal Sealab series doesn't ring a bell, read about it at yesterday 
land.com/popopedia/shows/saturday/sal 195.php. 


MOVIE REVIEW MACHINES 


There's no question about how to use Google. You fill in the 


34 blank with your search term and hit return. Bang—there's 


your answer. The Movie Review Query Engine (mrqe.com) is 
the Google of movie review search engines. Enter the title ofa 
movie in the blank field and MRQE presents reviews it finds 
from hundreds of online magazines and newspapers. The 
other useful features (a list of reviews of recent movies, re- 
views of the American Film Institute's Top 100 movies) don't 
get in the way of the thing that MRQE does best—finding 
movie reviews. Another fabulous review site is Metacritic. 
com. It collects reviews and assigns them a score from 1 to 10. 
The averaged score for each movie, song or game is color- 
coded (green for 61-100, yellow for 40-60, and red for 1-39) 
so it’s easy to pick winners. The best part is the list of excerpts 
of reviews for each title. Too bad that I didn't have Metacritic 
before I wasted my money on 
Rock Star. 


BACK TO BASICS 


Using the Internet today is a 
little like driving a Model T. 


ober 0 
‘onnectng Japan and the World 


VERS 


You need to know how 
it works to use it effec- 
tively. There are dozens, if not hun- 
dreds, of books that explain the In- 
ternet, but none of them are as useful 
to the neophyte as Preston Gralla's 
How the Internet Works ($29.99, from 
quepublishing.com). Ever wondered 
how web pages appear on your com- 
puter screen? Or how search engines 
plow through a billion web pages in a 
couple of seconds? Or how viruses 
work? This book will explain it in jar- 
gon-free prose, with full-color illus- 
trations on every page. If this book 
is too advanced for you, try Rogers 
Cadenheads' How to Use the Internet 
($29.99, from samspublishing.com). 
You'll learn how to use the web, send 
e-mail and create your own wı JU 
wish I'd had a book like this in 1994. 


QUICK HITS 
Is any plush toy worth $3002 Only if it’s a vulvapuppet from 
houseochicks.com/puppetsplash.htmnl. . . . News item: Aver- 


age Breasts Size in Japan Is Up. Judge the photographic evi- 
dence for yourself at mynippon.com/women/bsize.htm. . . . If 
you have a Windows computer, do yourself a favor and up- 
grade to Microsoft's XP operating system 


You can contact Mark Frauenfelder by e-mail at livingonline 
@playboy.com 


FLYING HIGH 


The trouble with a compelling biography is that it might in- 
spire you. But following in Allen Long's footsteps, chronicled 
in Loaded (Little, Brown), could earn you serious jail time. 
Robert Sabbag, who wrote Snow- 
blind, the definitive book on coke 
smuggling, details Long's es 
pades in the world of major- 
league pot smuggling. In the 
early Seventies, Long decided 
to film a documentary about 
ana trafficking. When 
he ran out of money, he 
became a smuggler himself 
He soon realized smugglers 
are entitled to all kinds of 
perks that documentarians 
are not—including women 
with heart-shaped pubic 
hair. He was able to ap 
preciate that transporting 
pot from the jungles of 
Colombia to Michigan had 
its cinematic moments: Long's relief pi 
lot once got so stoned after landing in Colombia that 

he proved useless on the flight back. The plane nearly crashed 
because it was overloaded. Bewilderingly, Long was able to 
persuade gun-toting Colombians to front him another load, 
even though he owed them hundreds of thousands of dollars 
for the previous shipment—which was seized by a sheriff 
when his partners abandoned the pot to hit a diner during a 
fit of the munchies. Long could have lived where the grass is 
greener—had it not been for his troublesome cocaine 
tion. This story makes perfect sense if you're stoned, 
and is a great read if you're not. —PATTY LAMBERTI 


enoo professor Giovanni Rebora could be an 
‘companion. Who wants to hear about mule 
sausage while you're eat- 
ing? But his short history 
of European food, Culture 
of the Fork (Columbia 
University), is filled with 
plenty of oddities 

to chew on: 


Until World War II, fish 
was considered food for 
poor people. 


Chocolate wasn't popular 
in the Old World until the 
end of the 19th century. 


Т RAL E | 


THE-FORK 


The word pizza originat- 
ed in Naples, from pitta. 


Spices were not used to 
mask spoiled meat, be- 

EA cause meot wos cheaper 
thon spices. 


FOR, ч 


SEALED WITH A KISS 


DK Publishing's continu- 
ing Keep It Simple Series | 
of how-to books taught us 
two things in particular that 
we'd always wanted to know: 
how to count cards and the 
best positions for prolonged inter- 
course. Those tips alone make the 
entire 23-volume series worth rec- 
ommending. Begin with the KISS 
Guide to Sex, a 400-page book that 
outlines everything from de 
ering a dynamic massage and sex 
toys to kinky role-playing scenari- 
os. For the advanced lover man, some 
chapters include an in-depth look 

at tantric and Tao positions (ever 

tried the Phoenix Playing in a Red 

Cave?). Another edition that made 
its way onto our shelves is the KISS Guide to Gambling. Aside 
from a chapter on card-counting techniques, the book gives 
useful lessons in reducing losses at casino games and practical 
advice for betting on horses and dogs. Other topics covered 
in the series include guitar (with a foreword by the Rolling 
Stones’ Bill Wyman), photography, careers, wine, sailing and 
golf (with extensive tips on grass types and their impact on 
putting). Each of these books includes photos, trivia, glos- 
saries, other resources and excellent website recommenda- 
tions. If you want to impress her, do what these guides sug- 
gest: Just keep it simple. — JASON BUHRMESTER 


» RANT 
ZONE 


An Alcx Bl 
Against Du Lear 
Polica Twisted СМИ 


MOUTHING OFF 
Dennis Miller—that quick-tangued 
guy with his awn HBO talk show, o 
Monday Night Football gig and о shit 
list langer than the beer line at o 
Jimmy Buffett cancert—is an the 
stan, Seat suing tote, | МОГОЙ, You wouldnt want fo be on 
ox his list. His potshots can be scathing. 


і 
In Тһе Rant Zone (Harper Collins) 
DENNIS шат нун соны 
Мо! Popeye (“o vegetarian sailar 
MILLER re 
checking you out, but for the same 


who likes anorexic chicks’), nor fe 
male body! 
reason they look ot bad taupees" 


Even God ("some guy in o 
white robe frantically answering proyers like o hopped-up 
Larry King taking phane gets his. ALISON LUNI 


WHEN HIP-HOP RULED THE STREETS 
Back before bling-bling—before the 
ostentatious era of Cristal and plot- 
inum—hip-hop was a phenomenon of 
the streets. Back in the Days (Power- 
house), a book of photographs token Y 
by Jamel Shobazz, captures thot period 
in the eorly Eighties when hip-hop ruled 
the asphalt of New York. Shabozz' pho- 
tos take the viewer bock to the world of 
Frankie Crocker ond Kool Moe Dee, Cozals 
ond Adidas. Before the doys of crack ond 
AIDS, it was a world filled with surprising 
hope and vitality. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


TERA PATRICK, YOUR HOST 


“1 gave men erections all the time be- 
cause I had to handle their penises,” says 
professional nurse turned adult enter- 
tainer Tera Patrick. “I don't mind being 
objectified if fantasizing about me helps 
speed up the recovery of a patient." Be- 
fore she started nursing men back to 
health, Tera moved from her native Mon- 
tana to New York, where her British- 
Thai looks were perfect for runway mod- 


eling. Now the 25-year-old host of 


Playboy TV's Night Calls 411 is an award- 
winning adult-movie starlet and hosts a 
popular live interactive chat called The 
Tera Show on her website. “I want to stay 
in front of the camera until I'm around 
30," she says. “I'm a Leo, so I have a 
huge ego and love modeling. I definitely 
have an itch to scratch.” 


NIGHT CALLS 411 


Adult-film sirens Crystal Knight and 
Tera Patrick don't pull any punches on 
Night Calls 411, a twice-a-month live 
show where viewers talk about their sex- 


Mantes! up Me holidays by finding 


ual exploits, ask intimate questions and 
receive frank advice about all things 
erotic. “Гош everybody,” says Tera. “I'm 
always talking about where I've been, 
who I've done and who I'm doing—no- 
body's safe from me. I'm a yacker.” The 
street-smart series also features a Net 
Nymph who fields viewer e-mail for the 
hosts. For the first time since she started 
hosting Night Calls 411, Tera recently vis- 
ited the hospital where she used to work 
“The nursing supervisor, a conservative 
Southern woman, said, ‘I saw you on 
Playboy TV having some crazy phone 
sex. The things that came out of your 
mouth—you go, nasty thing.” Tera 
laughs. “She said she got sucked into the 
program and went home and said some 
of the same things to her husband.” 
Night Calls 411 airs on the second and 
fourth Wednesday of each month at 11 
pm. EST and 8 рм. PST. 


AMATEUR HOME 
VIDEOS 


Here is one show 
that proves not all 
home recordings 
will put you to sleep. 
Hosted by adult-film 
stars Julia Ann and 
Taylor Hayes, Naugh- 
ty Amateur Home Videos 
features sexy footage sent in by home- 
town videographers from around the 
country who are competing for national 
exposure and $500 worth of sex toys. 
“If you want to get into the adult-film 
business, this is the best way to see if you 
feel comfortable having sex in front of 
the camera,” says Tera. “I'd tell a guy to 
have sex with his girlfriend while 10 of 
his friends stand around and watch. If 
you can't do that, then this work isn't 
for you.” Making sure your home-video 


st which 


last year’s Playmates were noughty 


or nice in Playmate 
Wrapped {it includ 
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iheir di 


ега. 
Strate a few of them. 


partner is someone you really want to 
Screw is crucial, too. "Chemistry is the 
most important thing. Otherwise you're 
forced to perform, and 1 don't ever want 
to be in that situation,” says Tera. “If I go 
to work and I don't want to be there, 
then it's time to move on." Naughty Ama- 
leur Home Videos premieres December 10 
at 9 рм EST and 11 rm. PST. 


DIRECTOR'S CUT 


Playboy TV finally goes 
| explicit with Director's 
Cut movies, featuring 
more 


action from such adult stars as Juli Ash- 
ton, Jenna Jameson, Raylene, Devinn 
Lane, Jill Kelly and Tera Patrick. So 
what kind of movies turn Tera on? “I 
don't watch many adult movies, but I 
like vignettes with no dialogue and just 
sex—something that focuses on the in- 
teraction between a man and a woman,” 
she says. “I don't like scripted scenes. 
One time I had to play a dominatrix, 
which is totally not what I'm like in re- 
al life. I had to study and prepare to 
be that character because, well, 1 don't 
spank men. It was the performance that 
pushed me and was fun to do. I enjoy 
king with European guys. They're 
sional and don’t try to ask me out 
after a scene, which is really nice.” Does 
she ever watch her own movies? “I have 
to because I need to do audio commen- 
tary over it,” she says. “That's the only 
time | like to relive it, because I'll laugh 
and remember where I was at the time.” 
Director's Gut movies air every Saturday 
at 11 вм. EST and midnight PST 


295 


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VD LIKE AN X, PLEASE 


Playboy.com has created a sexy spin on 
a classic game. In our Stri ‘Toe, the 
right combination of Xs or Os yields a 
sexy Playmate nude. Preview the game 
on Playboy.com and play the full nude 
version in the Playboy Cyber Club (cyber. 
playboy.com). 


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NO CHADS OR DIMPLES 


This year, voting for the Playmate of the 
Year will be a strictly online affair. Log 
on to Playboy.com and look for the in- 
teractive PMOY ballot. You can choose 
your favorite, once a day, every day. You 
can see the Centerfold of every 2001 
Playmate at Playboy.com, butif you re- 
ally want to get to know them, join the 
Playboy Cyber Club (cyber.playboy.com) 

As a member of the Cyber Club, you'll 
have access to exclusive never-before- 
published photos of all the 2001 Play- 
mates. In fact, the Cyber Club contains 


О DALENE KURTIS 


О LAUREN MICHELLE HILL 


O STEPHANIE HEINRICH 


photos of every Playmate 
from the magazine's near- 
ly 50-year history. 


GREAT TALK 


Nobody does an interview 
better than PLAYBOY 
Now, an ever-build- 
ing collection of 
classic Playboy In- 
terviews is available 
in the Playboy Cy- 
ber Club. Mem- 
bers can read the 
full-length con- 
troversial conver- 
sations with Mar- 
tin Luther King 
Jr., the Beatles, 
Sean Connery, 
Malcolm X and 
many more. 


CELEBRITY 
SEXAMINATION 


Ever wonder about the in- 
timate details of celebri- 
ty sex lives? Playboy.com 
goes right to the source to 
find out. The Dirty Doz- 
en, our 12-question sex 
quiz, asks about every- 
thing from first sex to 
worst sex to best sex, with 
everyone from comic wise- 
ass David Spade to mon- 
ster rock-and-roll god 
Gene Simmons. 


O HEATHER SPYTEK. 


О LINDSEY VUOLO 


CYBER GIRL OF THE MONTH 


What could be more fun? Cyber Club members 
keep busy deciding which Cyber Girl of the Week 
should become Cyber Girl 
of the Month. They're 
rewarded with exclu- 
sive photos and video 
of the winner. Na- 
tasha Bernasek is 
Cyber Girl of the 
Month for De- 
cember 2001. 
You can see 
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‘CROWN ROYAL SPECIAL RESERVE*IMPORTED IN THE BOTTLE*BLENDED CANADIAN WHISKY «40% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME (80 PROOF] «©2001 JOSEPH E. SEAGRAM & SONS, NEW YORK, NY 


40 


By ASA BABER 


ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001, the people staffing 
the office of a friend of mine in New 
York City were enjoying their view of 
lower Manhattan from 16 floors above 
23rd Street. They were suddenly mes- 
merized by the sight of a huge fireball 
that appeared in one of the World Trade 
Center towers after a large airliner had 
plowed into it. Fighteen minutes later, 
they saw a jet fly into the second tower 
from the opposite direction. The city was 
under siege. 

Soon, these two symbols of American 
commerce and industry collapsed and 
disappeared in a rolling cloud of dust 
that covered downtown and floated to- 
ward Brooklyn. The World Trade Cei 
ter had become a mass grave for sever- 
al thousand people entombed in tons of 
concrete and metal. 

I called my friend to check on him. 
"We're OK,” he said, “but I'm going to 
have a staff meeting soon because 1 want 
to find out how everybody's doing. What 
do you think I should say?’ 

‘That was a no-brainer. “Talk to them 
about posttraumatic stress disorder,” I 
said. “We are going to have a lot of it. 
The terrorists who crashed those planes 
into the WTC also crashed into our 
minds. We are not the same people we 
were before September 11. Some of your 
employees will experience PTSD. You 
have to warn them about it.” 

Posttraumatic stress disorder can fol- 
low the experiencing or witnessing of 
life-threatening events (such as terrori: 
actions, combat, disasters, accidents, vio- 
lent assaults like rape and torture, etc). 
People with PTSD relive their traumat- 
ic experiences through nightmares or 
flashbacks. They often have insomnia or 
are depressed or hyperaroused. They 
may engage in various forms of sub- 
stance abuse and other addictive behav- 
ior. They could have marital problems or 
have difficulties in parenting or feel iso- 
lated and estranged. They may not func- 
tion well socially and may go through 
episodes of occupational instability. (For 
the record, 1 have struggled for decades 
with PTSD.) 

Discussing the long-term effects of the 
World Trade Center bombings, El 
beth Kaledin, CBS’ medical correspon 
dent, said, “The level of violence is so 
unprecedented. Therapists aren't sure 
how to control the damage.” She also 
pointed out that in a recent study of 182 
survivors of the Oklahoma City bomb- 
ing, 34 percent had PTSD and 45 per- 
cent had other problems (i.e., a major 
percentage of those survivors were still 
in trouble six years after the calam- 
ity). And the National Center for Post- 
traumatic Stress Disorder reports that 


WE ALL 
ARE VETERANS 


“PTSD is a highly prevalent lifetime dis- 
order that often persists for years. The 
qualifying events for PTSD are also com- 
mon, with many respondents reporting 
the occurrence of quite a few such events 
during their lifetime: 

My friend from New York called me 
a few days after our conversation. “I 
brought up the question of PTSD with 
my staff,” he said. “They were not inter 
ested in the subject. They assured me 
wasn't a problem for any of them. But 
guess what? Something interesting hap- 
pened. Yesterday and today, several of 
them came up to me privately at one 
time or another and thanked me for talk- 
ing about PTSD. They said they were al- 
ready encountering symptoms.” 

PTSD was once the label for an anxi- 
ety disorder primarily associated with 
military veterans—but now, we all are 
veterans. Americans saw a traumatic 
event unfold in real time on September 

2001. They saw our territory invad- 
ed and several thousand people killed in 
one morning. They saw more death and 
destruction in that time than many vet- 
erans see in their careers. They will feel 
the effects for a long time. In addition, 
our civilian population is at risk for ter- 
st assault as never before. 

Ifyou think you might be dealing with 
PTSD, let me share a few things that 
have helped me cope with the problem: 

(1) Give it a name. Because 1 am a ma- 
cho man who never likes to admit weak- 
ness, I used to take comfort in the fact 
that I had many ailments, from night 
sweats to various addictions, but no sin- 
gle name for my condition. Just ac- 
knowledging the fact that I have PTSD 
was a good thing, because it made me 


face the truth. I stopped hiding behind 
my multimiseries and went after the 
problem. 

(2) You have to talk to a professional about 
it sometime. 1 dragged myself, kicking and 
screaming, into therapy, assuming all 
along I was healthy enough to survive 
PTSD and strong enough to keep my 
condition secret from the world. Only 
when I started talking aboutit did I find 
any peace. Whether you enroll in one- 
on-one or group counseling, please go 
do it and talk about it. 

(3) Don't forget your childhood. Child- 
hood neglect and abuse are common ex- 
periences for many of us and are often at 
the heart of our trauma. When 1 began 
studying PTSD, I preferred to talk about 
the risks I took during my years overseas 
in various assignments. What did my 
early life have to do with anything? But 
under good guidance, I slowly moved 
back to the childhood years that shaped 
me and made me vulnerable to PTSD. 
Yes, | spent time in combat zones as an 
adult, but my father's temper, my moth- 

"s possessiveness and my neighbor- 
hood's violence had greater effects on 
my development than most of the obsta- 
cles I confronted later in my life. 

(4) Exercise, massage and sleep do won- 
ders. The body, mind and spirit are not 
separate entities. If you are operating 
under the pressures of PTSD, you have 
to take care of yourself. Stop the exces- 
sive drinking and illegal drugging and 
settle down. Remember: You are already 

g a gorilla on your back. Why 
turn it into an elephant? 

(5) Love is all there is. The chance to be 
a father and raise my sons contributed 
the most to my survival, as did the wom 
an I love and a few close friends. This 
will sound sentimental, but 1 say it is mod- 
ern medicine at its best. Love after trau- 
ma? It’s the only way to climb out of the 
ashes and walk away whole from the pit 
called PTSD. 

(6) The best mentors and guides you'll ever 
find if you are dealing with PTSD are the 
men and women from the military who deal 
with it, too. There are special people who 
confronted PTSD first, and they are the 
combat veterans of our wars. Think 
about adopting one of them as a friend 
and resource. They may seem remote at 
first, but if you are respectful, they will 
come around. 

Volunteer at a Veteran's Administra- 
tion hospital. Ask the people in your 
neighborhood or at your workplace who 
the mi ry veterans are. Introduce 
yourself to them. Tell them you honor 
their service to our country and think 
you might be sharing some of their bur- 
dens and you would like their advice. 
You will be enriched, and so will they. 


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2002 Playboy Lingarle Calendar 
The Bernaola twins make it a baker's dozen Playmates who appear 
in this 12-month calendar, and they're all clad in nothing but the 
sexlest intimate wear we could find! Also featuring cover girl Jaime 
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Cover girl and 2001 PMOY Brande Roderick appears in these 
sensational 12-month calendars, along with Irina Voronina, Lauren 
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hey... IES personal 


Rough and Tough 


If Lara Croft were to take up golf, the OGIO BRV would have to be her cart of choice. OGIO originally created the “battle-ready vehicle" 
as a promo for its new cart bag. But so many customers wanted to buy the vehicle that OGIO decided to put the ATV-inspired cart before 
the bag. Smart thinking. For $12,000, you get Yamahe's top-of-the-line gas-powered golf cart, tricked aut with a six-inch lift kit, Hella 
driving lamps with stone guards (fog lamps are also available), Forza Corbeau steel-frame racing seats, a Warn winch (great for Florida 
alligator-inhabited roughs or courses where a bayou borders the fairway), Gateway off-racd tires, Douglas aluminum rims and a Thule 
heavy-duty luggage rack with 11 -square-foot capacity. Yau'll have to mount your own machine gun. 


Vietnamese, 
Please 


With restaurants 
such as San Fran- 
cisco's Slanted 
Door and New York 
and Chicago's Le 
Colonial packed 
nightly, it's no sur- 
prise that travel 
writer Jan Dodd 
collaborated with 
London chef Mark 
Read and French 
photographer Jean 
Cazals ta create 5 е КЎ 
Lemongrass and А A UPWARD. 
Lime, a $29.95 с 
homage to “new 
Vietnamese cui- 
sine.” Pictured here 
is crispy smoked 
chicken with fragrant greens, one of about 70 recipes that call 
for such exotic ingredients as nuoc cham dipping sauce and 
Farchiew spice. There's also a section on Asian-inspired cocktails 
and menu suggestions for summer buffets and a four-course 
dinner party. Ten Speed Press is the publisher. 


TRY TO 


Quite the Corker 


There's a lot to admire obout the chompagne from Comte 
Audoin de Dampierre. Take this 1990 Brut Family Reserve, 

a toosty, nutty, elegant wine with hints of citrus and honey. 
Of particulor interest is the hand-tied hemp cord securing 
the cork. That method has been used since the time of cham- 
pagne’s inventor, Dom Pérignon. After 1892, a metal cap and 
braided wire replaced this more picturesque method of secur- 
ing the cork agoinst the gos pressure inside the bottle. This 
gifi-boxed bottle comes with a pair of gold-ploted scissors to 
cut the cord, and sells for obout $100 


Parked 


Garage 


Joguar XJR: Want to help jump-start the economy ond 
your social life? Drop $70,000 for this supercharged 
sedon. Despite Ford's ownership, the XJR feels like a 
Joguor, sleek with a wonderful road-hugging suspen- 
sion. The Audi $8 is another expensive four-door, but 
very hot and surefooted. If you live in snow country, 


Clothesline: 
Sam Jones III 


The co-stor of the 

WB TV series Smallville 
and the big-screen 
thriller Zigzag (in 
which he oppeors with 
John Leguizamo and 
Wesley Snipes) says 
thot when it comes 

to foshion, his moin 
thing is comfort, “but | 
also like my clothes to 
look hip. Avirex hos 
the best winter coots 
ond leather jockets— 
especially the aviator 
ones. The store on 
Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles is my first stop when I'm in 
a shopping mood.” Jones also confesses to o fondness for 
Avirex shirts and jeans, olong with Nike shoes and apporel 
“Now thot I'm on Smallville, I'm beginning to check out de- 
signers for tuxedos and suits. Before, I'd just show up fo on 
event in o beige linen suit. But when I'm just hanging out, 
my favorite thing to wear is still о blue do-rog under a Bos- 
ton Red Sox cap, because I'm from Boston.” 


the SB's quattro all-wheel-drive might be worth it 

for the extro control. Ford Focus ZX3: Our egg-yolk yel- 
low three-door's base price was about $12,000 (in- 
cluding oir). That's not bad for a cute little porking-spot 
stealer. But with automotic, side air bogs, power win- 
dows and doors, troction control ond a premium group 
thot included o front seot armrest (you hod to drop 
$1095 for thot), the cor’s $17,240 price was obout 
51000 more thon a base five-speed Mazda Protege5 
stotion wagon equipped with power goodies. Automatic 
transmission, o moon roof and ABS put the Mozda a 
couple of Ks over the Focus. Your call, but we'd take 
the Protegé5. Volkswagen Eurovan MV: Its 2.8 six hauls 
ass even when loaded with your weekend rock band. 
Fun to drive and surprisingly quick. —DAVID STEVENS 


Guys Are Talking About 


Overnight business trips. Tote light. Many airlines now limit 
carry-ons ta ane bag. Atlantic Luggage's Upright Virtual Office 
(below left) cambines a suitcase and briefcase. A side opening 
lets you slip your laptap into or out of the bag when it’s in an 
averheod compartment. Price: abaut $170. The SkyRall (below 
right) is the "world's first roll-up garment bag" accarding ta the 
inventar, Don Chernaff. Instructians shaw yau how ta cambine 
shaes, tailetries and small items of clathing with suits oll ralled 
in a way that minimizes wrinkles. It's also a carry-on. Price: 
about $175. Given the vagaries af travel today, yau also might 
want to pack a capy af Stuck at the Airpart: A Traveler's Survival 
Guide (Fireside) by Harriet Baskas. It's a guide to 46 domestic 
| end eight foreign airparts. Price: $13. € Orgasm cantrol. If 
premature ejaculation is a problem for a friend (not you, of 
course), give him the gaad news about Trojan's new Ex- 
tended Pleasure condoms, which are treated — ¢ 
with a climax-control lotion inside the tip. * 
About $8.50 for a box of 12. e Tele- 
=. marketers. Want їо stop these 
Sa pests once and far all? 
Buy Privacy Technol- 
ogies’ TeleZapper. 
This phone attach- 
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WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 110, 


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FOOTWEAR 


Ehe Playboy Advisor 


M, girlfriend and 1 have been going 
out for ie months. We have sex four 
or five times a week, which to me is simi- 
lar to Social Security—you can live on 
it, but barely. Whenever she goes down 
on me, it's usually only after I ask her 
to, which ruins the anticipation. 1 feel a 
little guilty asking her to do something 
that she doesn't seem to enjoy. One night 
she began stroking me. I wanted her to 
make the first move, so I laid back and 
made it clear I was enjoying myself. She 
kept stroking me with her dry hand. AF 
ter 10 minutes, I told her I was getting 
raw. But instead of getting lube or going 
down on me, she just stopped. 

The subsequent conversation brought 
outa lot. She says that oral sex makes 
her feel slutty, and that she's just a dud 
when it comes to sex. 1 had bought some 
sex toys and she’s been able to use them 
to reach “really good” orgasms (she’s 
told me I'm the first guy to make her cli- 
max). But she’s never lost it, gone crazy, 
etc. All we ever do is “make love.” I've 
told her that some cheap fucking could 
be good for us. I try to be creative but 
she never likes one thing more than an- 
other. [ tell her she hasn't discovered her 
underlying sexual animal yet. Any sug- 
gestions for finding it, or are there some 
people who have no libido? I've been 
able to make every other girl I've been 
with do whatever I want her to do, so 
long as I promise to do for her what she 
es. —W.H., Seattle, Washington 
Your girlfriend isn't a dud. She's a begin- 
ner. Cut her some slack. We appreciate what 
you're saying—you want her to fuck your 
brains out. But 4 caught up 
in the porn ethos that says a woman isn't 
satisfied until she's cluiching the bed and 
screaming for more. You've made the right 
moves—buying sex loys, talking to her about 
your desires, asking what she likes. Don't get 
discouraged. It may take time for her to gain 
enough confidence to “go crazy.” You might 
try a different approach—instead of daily 
sex, rev her up slowly, Tease her. View every- 
thing you do together as foreplay, Whisper to 
her what you have in mind. Be kind to her. 
Promise her mysterious pleasures, and give 
her a date and time to be ready. Once уои? 
there, don't play mind games by making her 
guess what you want. If you're after cheap 
fucking, explain yourself Does it mean you 
want her to grab you at the door and, with- 
out saying а word, use your cock as a dildo? 
Make that request. Eventually, she'll be bet- 
ter at anticipating and start lo surprise you. 
If all else fails, stick your tongue up her ass. 
Keep searching for that inner slut. 


This past summer a Playboy represen- 
tative told the Capital Times that your 
magazine had never ranked the Universi 


ty of Wisconsin as the nation’s top party 
school. The problem is that many alum- 
ni, myself included, remember reading 
this in the magazine more than 30 years 
ago. Can the Advisor help straighten this 
out?—S.D., Madison, Wisconsin 

Technically, we've ranked party schools 
only once, in January 1987, and UW does 
not appear on the list. (IVs posted at Playboy. 
com/faq.) What you remember is our Septem- 
ber 1968 issue, in which we listed UW as the 
most permissive campus in a sample of 25 
universities. We also called it “the party 
school,” primarily because it served beer in 
the student union. We repeated the exercise 
in October 1976, naming UCLA tops in 
“campus action.” Each month we receive let- 
ters from students or graduates of any num- 
ber of schools, insisting that PLAYBOY named 
their campus as party central, Or they heard 
their school had been disqualified because 
we didn't rank professionals. The first pe 
son who can produce evidence of any rank 
ing besides those mentioned above earns a 
degree in Playboyology—and we'll throw in 
a subscription to the textbook. 


About a year ago I did some hard-core 
Internet photo shoots. They were most- 
ly solo shots, though | sometimes posed 
with my boyfriend. 1 don't regret any of 
it—I had a blast and would love to do 
it again. Our relationship ended a few 
months ago, and I'm ready to start dat- 
ing. When I meet someone I like, should 
1 tell him about the photos? If he sees 
the photos before I tell him, it could be a 
disaster. Is this something you bring up 
ona date? “I'm college educated, I work 
for a suicide crisis ho and some- 
times I ram myself with a dildo online.” 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


Is there ever a good time to mention it? 
Help! I also wonder what your male read- 
ers think: How would you react if you 
found out your girlfriend had a porno 
past?—D.T., Washington, D.C. 

Most guys wouldn't be upset as long as 
they were simply fucking you. If the relation. 
ship had grown beyond that, they'd freak, All 
that means is that you may have to work a 
little harder to find the right guy. If things 
click, the time will come when you exchange 
fantasies and tales of sexual adventure. By 
then, you'll have a better idea of how he'll re- 
spond. If he dumps you, that will be unfortu- 
nate. But the relationship probably wouldn't 
have worked anyway. 


Im planning to buy a house, and Гуе 
noticed some places that look small claim 
more square footage than some that look 
large. | asked my real estate agent and 
he claims that everyone measures differ- 
ently. If that's the case, how can you com- 
pare?— ].C., Manalapan, New Jersey 

You'd think it would be simple—measure 
every room, add it up. But there has long 
been contention—including lawsuits—over 
what should be included in square footage. 
According to the industry standard, it in- 
cludes every climate-controlled area that has 
a finished floor and walls, at least a seven- 
foot ceiling and is directly accessible from 
another living area. That typically includes 
hallways, stairs and closets but not balconies 
or garages. You can download details for 
$20 at nahbre.org (search for “square foot- 
age”). An experienced agent should be able 
to eyeball a place and tell you if the measure- 
ments are accurate. 


I chat on the Microsoft Network in the 
Men Ask Women Anything and Women 
Ask Men Anything rooms. The other day 
I mentioned that I had to run to the all- 
night grocery. One woman said she en- 
joyed going out late to do her “bottle 
shopping.” 1 asked what she meant. She 
said many products come in packaging 
turba- 
tion, so she would go late at night to 
have a chance to hold them and figure 
out which ones to buy. Now every time I 
go to the store 1 study the bottles, won- 
dering if a woman somewhere is satisfy- 
ing herself with one of them. During one 
trip. I counted no fewer than 50 prod- 
ucts that could be considered female- 
friendly. How common do you think this 
is?—WA., Allentown, Pennsylvania 

We used to hang out in the freezer section 
to meet women, but apparently the sham- 
poo aisle it’s at. Did you miss an 
opportunity here? Offer to make a delivery. 
If you find you can't scan the shelves am 
more without getting hot and bothered, cool 


he 


47 


PLAYBOY 


off with this recent police blotter item from 
the Williamson County Sun in Georgetown, 
Texas: “Police arrested a 27-year-old lawn 
specialist at a grocery store at 12:46 AM. on 
charges of public lewdness. An employee 
found the customer in an aisle with his shorts 
pulled down around his ankles. The man 
was bent over, inserting a can of Big and 
Sexy hair spray lubricated with Suave lotion 
into his rectum. He was taken to jail.” 


May I have the last word on traffic tick- 
ets? Lam a lawyer who used to be a high- 
way patrol officer and traffic-court mar- 
shal. In October a reader said he had 
persuaded a judge to toss his ticket by 
arguing that his speed had not been un- 
safe. That defense only works in states 
that have presumed speed limits. Some 
have absolute limits—one mile per hour 
over and you're guilty. Others have ab- 
solute limits on freeways but presumed 
limits elsewhere. As for avoiding a ticket, 
you should never attempt to manipulate 
an officer, because it creates resentment. 
This includes women who shift their 
clothing to reveal their assets and drivers 
who threaten to waste the cop's time by 
calling him to court. He'll just earn over- 
бте for being there.—H.F, Richmond, 
California 

Thanks for writing. We'd never be good 
cops, because those women would get off. 


My husband and I have been married 
for 17 years. We both have MBAs and 
high-income jobs. A year ago we decid- 
ed to add more zest to our sex life by 
uple to swap with. At the risk 
ig snobbish, we're looking for 
classy experiences, not quickies in a hot 
tub. We spent time browsing sites on the 
Internet, responded to personal ads in 
an alternative paper and researched the 
local swingers’ scene. But the couples 
we've met have been crude and unap- 
pealing, and many seem desperate to 
save failing relationships. Frankly, it all 
seems sort of sleazy. Does the Advisor 
have any suggestions?—V.B., St. Paul, 
Minnesota 

Don't use your local or online experiences 
as a barometer; the lifestyle altracts every 
type of person you can imagine. We tend to 
hang with the sleazy types, because they get 
naked quicker. But there are many swingers 
who enjoy the socializing as much as the sex. 
Throw your line into a larger pond. There 
is a swingers’ gathering every summer in Ne- 
vada that attracts more than 3000 couples 
From around the world (for information, vi 
it lifestyles-convention-com). If your exp 
rience is typical, you'll form a clique or a 
clique will find you. 


Can a woman lose her hymen before 
sex and not know it? I met my wife as 
a freshman in college, and she swore 
to me that she was a virgin. I believed 
her, but months later, when we finally 


48 had sex, there was no blood. In fact, she 


seemed very loose. What's your opin- 
ion?—S.B., Dallas, Texas 

The idea that virgins always bleed is an 
ancient, stubborn aud bogus belief. In many 
cases, the hymen doesn't produce much blood 
(if any) when it breaks, or it stretches but re- 
mains intact, or it breaks naturally before 
sex, or the woman doesn't have one to begin 
with. There's no reliable way to tell if a wom- 
an isa virgin. 


| can't seem to find a condom that fits. 
“The local pharmacies carry Trojan and 
LifeStyles brands, but not much else. 
Can the Advisor oller any guidance?— 
G.B., Duluth, Minnesota 

We know how you feel. It's а curse. If 
standard condoms ave snug, switch to Crown 
(also popular because it’s thin), Maxx, Mag- 
num, Magnum XL or Trojan Large. You can 
order online from Condomania.com. Its most 
recent best-seller is the Trojan Extended 
Pleasure, which is coated inside with benzo- 
caine lo increase staying power. Many men 
also swear by condoms with more headroom, 
such as inSpiral or Pleasure Plus. 


I just ended an 18-month relationship. 
It was bitter and sad. I want to rest and 
heal before diving back into the dating 
scene. In the meantime, I purchased a 
fake pussy with vibrator attached. It feels 
wonderful. Is there any downside to us- 
ing this aid?—R.S., Atlanta, Georgia 
Only that it’s not attached to a woman. 


The manual for my new Mercedes says I 
should use a cell phone in the vehicle on- 
ly if it's attached to an external antenna. 
I contacted Mercedes, which told me 
that every automaker issues this warning, 
because the electromagnetic rad 
produced by the phone could interfere 
with the antilock brake system. Have you 
heard of this, or is it just an attempt to 
sell me a $1600 phone?—D.B., Durham, 
North Carolina 

Although the problem doesn’t appear to be 
widespread, automakers are concerned that 
handheld phones could interfere with ABS 
sensors or other computer 
model vehicles. That's why you're 
claimers. If price is a problem, you can pur- 
chase a less expensive system aftermarket. 
You may need an antenna for another rea- 
son. Legislatures in nearly every state, in- 
cluding North Carolina, are сам 
laus that would prohibit drivers from 
handheld phones in moving vehicles. As Hi 
December I, New York became the first state 
to enact such a law. 


Our neighbor owns a porn store, so he 
knows a lot about sex. The other day 
he asked me which way my labia hang. 
He said that whichever way my lips hang 
is the way my husband's cock hangs. 1 
ran home, dragged my husband into the 
bedroom and put a little throat on him. 
Sure enough, his erection bends slightly 
to the right, and my right lip is larger 


than my left. By the way, my neighbor is 
gay. Is this for real, or is he just trying 
to get a visual on my husband's cock? 
M.M., Myrtle Beach, South Carolina 

There's absolutely nothing to what your 
neighbor told you, although we're sure he'd 
love to hear the details. And your husband 
would love if you checked again. 


While helping my girlfriend move, I 
watched as she got into a shouting match 
with one of the two movers. I didn't take 
sides but tried to cool everyone down 
and get the job finished. My girlfriend 
said I should have stood up to them. I 
have no doubt the guy wanted me to say 
something so he could challenge me to 
a fight. Both guys were larger than me 
and I'd have had a tough time against 
one of them, let alone two. What is the 
best way to handle a situation when you 
are confronted by someone with large 
muscles and a tiny brain?—A.L., Las Ve- 
, Nevada 

You handled it well. Your girlfriend needs 
to learn some management skills. We're not 
sure what the guy did to piss her off, but he 
was larger, stronger, dumber and in close 
range of everything she own 
ing on the phone—to the gu 


1 have been a cross-dresser for many 
years. My wife has always allowed me to 
wear panties and bras and carry a purse 
around the house. I also wear a night 
gown to bed. Now, after 25 years of mar- 
riage. my wife has suggested I get breast 
implants. She said that because I'm get- 
ting ready to retire and I often wear a 
bra under my clothes, “why not get some 
boobs for it?” She said she wants me to 
get big ones—"boobs you have to deal 
with." She wants them to bounce when I 
walk. I was flabbergasted at first, but now 
1 think I'd like to do it. Can you help me 
find a good plastic surgeon?—D.P, Okla- 
homa City, Oklahoma 

No, no, no, no. Breasts are like babies. 
They're fun to play with, but only when they 
belong to someone else. Even if we thought 
this was a good idea, a board-certified plas- 
tic surgeon wouldn't consider such a funda- 
mental change unless you were living Jull- 
time as a woman and had a uote from your 
shrink. Now, whats up with your wife? 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month, Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com. 
The Advisor's latest collection of sex trie 
365 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life, is avail- 
able in stores or by phoning 800-423-9494. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


he autobiography of Big Bubba 
is due for release in 2003. Ac- 
cording to trade reports, Bill Clinton 
has received an advance in excess of 
$10 million to tell his story. How will 
Clinton handle the sex thing? Most of 
us think we already know the details, 
the best dirt Ken Starr and $40 mi 
lion of taxpayers’ money could pro- 
vide. Clearly, the former president 
may face certain artistic, not to men- 
tion legal, obstacles. Discretion may 
be the better part of ardor, but it has 
no place in a book that’s going to re- 
tail for 30 or 40 bucks. In a spirit of 
nonpartisanship, we decided Clinton 
might need some help. When it comes 
to kiss-and-tell best-sellers, there are 
useful precedents. 
Over the past century, Americans 
have become more 
candid about sex. Pi- 
oneers such as Henry 
Miller, Anais Nin, 
Frank Harris and Ca- 
sanova wrote explic- 
itly about their sex 
lives, but you had to 
travel to Paris to 
buy the unexpurgated 
volumes. (And some 
would argue that you 
had to go to Paris to 
have a sex life worth 
writing about.) Court 
battles over censor- 
ship expanded the 
language of sex. Today, we are inun- 
dated with bedroom talk, from best- 
selling sex manuals to bizarre con- 
fessions on the Jerry Springer Show. 
Perhaps, more than any other genre, 
the celebrity autobiography reveals 
our shifting notions about honesty 
and discretion. We pulled these off 
the shelves of our local library: 


PRODIGAL DAYS: 
THE UNTOLD STORY 
By Evelyn Nesbit 

Evelyn Nesbit, the girl in the red 
velvet swing whose affair with archi- 
tect Stanford White ended famously 
with his 1906 murder and the first 
“tial of the century,” was oddly reti- 
cent about the sex act itself. On the 
stand she described the night White 


took her virginity in a roomful of mir- 
rors: “When I woke up all my clothes 
were pulled off me and 1 was in bed. I 
sat up and pulled some covers over 
me. There were mirrors all around the 
bed. Then J screamed and screamed 
and screamed.” She implied that the 
champagne served by her evil seduc- 
er had robbed her of the memory of 
the act itself. In her autobiography, 
published in 1934, she was no more 
forthcoming when she described a 
wip to Europe with her husband-to- 
be and White's murderer, Henry K. 
Thaw. She had tried to warn him 
about her sexual history, saying she 
had “been to a great many apart- 
ments with Stanford White” before 
disclosing that White had “ruined” 
her. Thaw became obsessively jealous 


MY AMERICAN JOURNEY 


and one night tore off Nesbir's night- 
gown and beat her with a whip. While 
she was willing to describe that much 
of the evening, when it came to the sex 
act, she demurred that she lay there 
“bracing myself for what followed.” 


A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME 
By Polly Adler 
The lapse of consciousness is al- 
mosta cliché in the stories of the time. 
Polly Adler, the New York madam 
whose 1953 autobiography promised 
to tell the inside story of high-class 
prostitution, condensed her first time 
to a single sentence: “When 1 resisted 


him, he knocked me cold.” 

Adler had followed a handsome 
rogue home from the factory where 
she worked. The brutal assault, or 
TKO, spared her the details. Indeed, 
one feminist sought to explain the 
state of women's sexual servitude in 
terms of these literary clichés—that 
women experience loss of conscious- 
ness and memory as survival mecha- 
nisms, not custom, 


ECSTASY AND ME: 
MY LIFE AS AWOMAN 
By Hedy Lamarr 

Hedy Lamarr, star of the Thirties 
underground sexual classic Ecstasy, 
was one of the first Hollywood stars 
to exploit the changing standards of 
the Sixties. The image of Hedy reach- 
ing an orgasm had 
played in theaters 
for decades: She 
says that during the 
shooting, the di- 
rector crouched off 
camera and poked 
her buttocks with a 
pin to produce the 
appropriate facial 
expression. Still, she 
admits, the sex went 
on and became gen- 
uine. The director 
shot more than 
250,000 feet of film, 
Some versions of 
the movie show true passion, others 
mere exhaustion—all creating the 
image of ecstasy that shaped Ameri- 
can sex. Lamarr's life story is just as 
faceted. Ecstasy and Me opens with 
Hedy waking in bed to discover her 
husband having sex with the maid. 
The rest of the narrative is a sexual 
tour of the weird. She escapes a jeal- 
ous husband by running into one of 
Germany's cabaret brothels. “The 
sight through the peephole didn’t reg- 
ister at the moment, as my thoughts 
were elsewhere, but I vaguely recall 
that a formally dressed gentleman 
and two ladies (nude except for the 
ritualistic high-heeled pumps and in 
this case some thick strands of jewel- 
ту) were arranging a ‘sandwich’ tab- 
leau on a round bed draped in red 


50 


velvet.” Hiding in a room, she is mis- 
taken for one of the staff. A young 
stranger asks her to undress, and she 
does. "I was experiencing the strangest 
lovemaking any girl ever had,” Lamarr 
recalls. “I hardly realized what he was 
doing to me—or that, in a complete 
emotional riot of gratitude, fear and I 
don't know what else, I was automati- 
cally responding." 

Hedy bad a series of marriages and 
lovers, all somewhat peculiar. One hus- 
band had a wax replica made of the 
star, and he made her watch as he had 
sex with it beneath a blue spotlight. 
Another took her to a brothel in Mexi- 
co, where peasant girls were les 
a room to have sex with the spirit of 
Pancho Villa. According to their tour 
guide, the women had been told that 
if Pancho came to them, they would 
marry soon and have male children. 
Hedy is a candid observer: “The wom- 
an closed her eyes. Then she held her 
arms out as if welcoming someone. She 
began to breathe faster and pursed her 
lips as ifshe were kissing someone. Slow- 
ly her legs spread and she squeezed 
her arms across her large breasts. She 
was breathing hard now and almost. 
imperceptibly began the rhythm of 
love—back and forth she went, up and 
down. Her face was tensing, her body 
glistened with perspiration. Then she 
moaned. You could see her muscles 
tighten. She held her breath, gasped 
for air. Then for a long time she just lay 
there while her breathing returned to 
normal. Finally she got up, wiped her 
body with a towel and dressed.” 

Reviewers criticized Lamarr for her 
lurid eyewitness account. 


MILLION-DOLLAR 
MERMAID 


By Esther Williams 

Esther ams’ best-selling and de- 
lightful 1999 tell-all is fairly graphic. 
Erections are scattered throughout the 
memoir like bookmarks. She opens 
with a description of her first acid trip, 
when she imagines herself divided: 
“When I looked in the mirror again, I 
was startled by a split image: One half 
of my face, the right half, was me, the 
other half was the face of a 16-year-old 
boy. The left side of my upper body was 
flat and muscular, like the chest of a 
boy. I reached up with my boy's large, 
clumsy hand to touch my right breast 
and felt my penis stirring. 1 don't know 
how long I stood there touching and 
exploring, but I was not afraid.” 

She tells of being chased by a naked, 
erect Johnny Weissmuller at a swim- 
ming show in San Francisco. She re- 
counts a similar wet scene ina limo 


with Fernando Lamas, driving back 
from a seaside shoot: “As we left Por- 
tuguese Bend, I was curled up in the 
car, still shivering from the cold water. 
Fernando reached over, took my hand 
and placed it on his crotch. He was ful- 
ly erect. I looked at him sitting there 
beside me and asked myself, What kind 
of blood does this man have in his 
veins? Do I want to move my hand 
from this man? Actually, I don't think 
I had a choice. Fernando placed his 
hand on top of mine and never let go— 
all the way back to MGM, a 45-minute 
ride. It was perhaps the longest I had 
ever experienced an erection (or the 
longest erection 1 ever experienced). 
When we arrived in front of my dress- 


ing room he said, ‘Well, we're here,” 
and he turned to me. 

“1 said, ‘Can I have my hand back 
пом?" 

“Yes, he said, and he took my hand, 


which had been warmed migh 
through the trip, kissed it and said, 
"Good night, Miss Williams." 

In Hollywood this ıs known asa meet 
cute. Williams describes eavesdropping 
on Fernando as he makes symphonic 
love (complete vith "gentle strings, 
sighing woodwinds, trumpets, tubas, 
pounding kettledrums and marimbas") 
to Lana Turner. When it's her turn, she 
is again discreet, telling about Fernan- 
do proudly displaying his erection in 
the kitchen: “You should never turn 
down a glorious erection like this!’ he 
chided. "You should applaud it and 


treat it with great respect, because you 
never know when it will come again." 
“1 knew what was going to come next, 
which was probably Fernando. Dinner 
that night would be less than perfect, 
but things would be perfect upstairs. 
Fernando brandished his equipment 
with a particular kind of sexual joy that. 
most American men do not have.” 


THE RAGMAN'S SON 
by Kirk Douglas 

In his 1988 autobiography, Kirk 
Douglas recounts sexual scenes with a 
cinematic eye, from zipless fucks with 
strangers he meets in elegant casinos to 
friendships with various leading ladies. 
(He actually uses the word cuddle to 
describe his liaisons with Marlene Diet- 
rich.) Douglas seemingly abides by an 
unspoken rule: One does not describe 
sex with the mother of one’s children. 

When it comes to brandishing equip- 
ment, Douglas can be graphic. In his 
youth, Douglas, a Jew, lied about his 
background to get a job as a bellhop in 
an exclusive (gentiles only) resort ho- 
tel. The anti-Semitism he encountered 
made him incredibly aroused, in a 
roundabout way: "As the end of the 
season approached, the lady propri- 
etor grew more interested in me. I 
thought of all the things she had said 
that summer: ‘Hitler is right, the Jews 
should all be destroyed.” “No Jew will 
ever set foot in this hotel.’ After a few 
drinks we were in bed together. Sirange 
how hate can be such an aphrodisiac. 
My hate grew into a tremendous erec- 
tion and I thrust it inside her. She was 
wet and ready, extremely passionate, 
moaned and groaned. I made certain 
that over all of these sounds she could 
hear me very clearly when I said into 
her ear, This is a circumcised Jewish cock 
inside you. Do you think you'll get contami- 
nated? Maybe even die? Í am a Jew. You are 
being fucked by a Jew!” 1 exploded inside 
her. She said nothing, just breathed 
heavily and lay there as I left the room.” 


KINSKI UNCUT: 
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 

KLAUS KINSKI 

By Klaus Kinski 
Kinski's cult classic first appeared in 
German in 1991 with the title Г Need 
Love. An abridged version for Ameri- 
cans was abruptly pulled from the mar- 
ket. We had to wait until 1996 for the 
complete text. The work is pure sex. A 
cover blurb tries to prepare the reader 
with this warning: “Kinski carried with 
him a personal hell, an unendurable 
sense of isolation ameliorated only 
through acting and sex." He appeared 
in 160 films—and many more women. 
His brazen eye catalogs each woman as 


= 


a unique presentation of anatomy. One 
woman has “an almost childlike torso 
with clearly visible ribs and practically 
no tits. To make up for that, she’s got 
an unusually broad, bowl-shaped pel- 
vis, with sharply converging bones that 
threaten to pierce thin skin. She's got 
short legs, which make her lower body 
look even wider. Everything else is 
pussy, pussy, pussy. My balls are as hard 
as stone. She promptly shoves them 
in, too.” 

A woman stands before him "with 
open legs, protruding pelvis and slight- 
ly bent knees. Her rough, swollen 
tongue fills my mouth. Her belly push- 
es against my dick as if she were 
knocked up. She moans. Her abdo- 
men works like a machine. She spritzes 
and spritzes. Our knees buckle. I 


wore socks. But they were not what 
drew me to the Pershing Rifles. I 
pledged the PRs because they were the 
elite of the three groups." Once in 
power he changed the rules. "I told the 
brothers to go out on the street, corral 
kids after they had gotten their jollies 
from porn movies at other houses and 
bring them over to our place to see 
movies about what the PRs did. When 
it was over, the Pershing Rifles had at- 
tracted the largest pledge class in years. 
This was a defining moment for me, 
the first small indication that 1 might 
be able to influence the outcome of 
events." 

Powell seems to embody the military 
code of gentlemanly conduct: One 
does not discuss one's love in the bar- 


MOTLEY CRUE: THE DIRT— 
CONFESSIONS OF THE WORLD'S 
MOST NOTORIOUS ROCE BAND 

By Tommy Lee. Mick Mars. 

Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx 
This fuck-and-tell opus (published in 
2001) is told with an exuberance that 
you'd expect from the bad boys of 
rock. Tommy Lee: "Her name was Jes- 
sica and 1 thought she was sexy be- 
cause she was a small part-Mexican girl 
with natural little titties, a funny smile 
and fat puffy cheeks. The first time 
we hooked up, 1 took her back to my 
van and within minutes started going 
down on her. She banged her fist on 
the wall and screamed, ‘Oh my God! 
I'm going to come" I started licking 
her harder, and then all of a sudden 
she roared like some kind of 


shove my dick into her from be- 
hind, right up to my nuts, and I 
writhe as if I were touching a high 
voltage line, while she, impaled 
and with her tongue hanging out, 
rattles like a slaughtered calf.” 
Even in a hospital bed, Kinski 
summons sexual energy. “I can't 
move my body. All I can do is 
ress the buzzer at the head of my 
ed and, with utmost effort, use 
the telephone. I have to make 
do with a bedpan that the nurse 
shoves under me. I tell the night 
nurse to come back when every- 
one else is asleep. In my state, sex 
is pretty tricky. But she straddles 
me so skillfully that my dick 
stands up despite everything, and 
she rides me so cautiously that 
neither her butt nor her vaginal 
lips so much as graze my abdo- 
men even once. The climax is 
very painful, so we can do it only 
once.” 
ike Kirk Douglas before him, 
Kinski does not describe sex with 
the mothers of his children. Infi- 
delities, yes. Marital sex, no. 


MY AMERICAN JOURNEY 
By Colin Powell 

The Army encourages you to be all 
that you can be, but if that indudes ex- 
ercising your genitals, forget it. You're 
here to make war, not love. In his 1995 
book. Powell recounts being courted in 
college by three military societies on 
campus: “Rushing consisted mostly of 
inviting potential pledges to smokers 
where we drank beer and watched por- 
nographic movies. The movies, in the 
sexually repressed Fifties, were sup- 
posed to be a draw. I hooted and hol- 
lered with the rest of the college boys 
through these grainy eight-millimeter 
films, in which the male star usually 


racks. He does not admit to premarital 
sex. Indeed, when he lists the quali 
of his wife-to-be, sex is absent. A class 
act? Yes. A model of discretion? Yes. A 
good read? Your call. 

When he describes his service in Viet- 
nam, sex comes up twice. He admits 
to an “almost sexual” anticipation of 
the arrival of the helicopter pilot who 
flew in supplies to his jungle post every 
two weeks. So among a combat sol- 
dier's priorities, paperbacks and ciga- 


rettes come before sex. When faced 
with the easy availability of sex in Hong 
Kong while on R and R, he demurs. 
Instead, he says he went shopping for 
custom-made shoes and suits. 

It does suggest a motto for the new 
Army: Shop till you drop. 


desperate mountain lion and 
her pussy exploded. Water 
shot out everywhere. She was 
coming like a spilled tanker, 
and it was the coolest fucking 
thing I had ever seen in my 
life. I just thought, Oh my 
God, | love this girl. This is the 
one! Every day after rehearsal, 
1 would pick her up in my van, 
we'd park somewhere quiet. 
and she would squirt her shit. 
everywhere. I loved to just sit 
there and let her come on me.” 
Eventually my van started to 
stink. I drove my mom to the 
store one afternoon, and she 
kept asking what the smell 
was. I had to pretend like I 
didn't know. 

‘Typically, the rock stars tone 
down the details when describ- 
ing the women they marry. 
Tommy tells of planning his 
first date with Pamela Ander- 
son, saying, “I drove to the 
Pleasure Chest and picked up 
$400 worth of sex toys and 
outfits. 1 had my overnight duffel in 
onc hand and a shopping bag full of lu- 
bricants, vibrating clitoral stimulators 
and ben-wa balls in the other. I was 
ready to rock her fucking world.” 

She doesn't show. When he follows 
her to Mexico, their first night is almost 
demure: "She had that one drink she'd 
promised me, and that drink led to an- 
other drink, and that other drink led to 
other drinks, and all those drinks com- 
bined led to her hotel bed. When we fi- 
nally fell asleep, it was the first time the 
entire night that we stopped looking 
into each other's eyes.” 

He mumbles discreetly about mak- 
ing “golden love” with Pam—a rare ex- 
ample of economy of words. But then, 
we've all seen the videotape. 


51 


ET PUE ae a e 
SZ ZS 


ome weeks before the 


== World Trade Center 
=> disappeared from the 


face of the earth, The New York Times ran 
a photo on the front page of its Sunday 
edition recording an event that had 
occurred at the White House. The cap- 
: “President Bush joined mem- 
bers of his Cabinet in prayer at the 
beginning of a meeting on Friday after- 
noon.” The photo did not contradict 
this easy-to-read line. It showed a long 
and highly polished table with a dou- 
ble row of people, including the leader 
of the free world, some of them clasp- 
ing their hands together and others 
leaning slightly forward. Of course, 
this did not prove that they were actu- 
ally praying. They all might have been 
fantasizing lurid scenes of rape and dis- 
memberment, or reflecting on the state 
of the market or calculating the Red- 
skins’ chances of reaching the Super 
Bowl. But everyone's lips and eyes were 
firmly closed, so it was in any event 
a moment of silence at least as long 
as those stressful pauses between sen- 
tences (and sometimes words) during 
presidential press conferences. 

You can't just walk in and snap a shot 
of the Bushies in prayer. You need to 
be invited to do so, and the moment 
takes several days of orchestration and 
preparation, with a press release to an- 
nounce it. How else to explain the 
numbingly boring headline that domi- 
nated the right-hand column of that 
same New York Times page: AFTER SIX 
MONTHS, BUSH TEAM PLANS CHANGE OF 
Focus? The enticing subheads read: 
“New Emphasis on Values” and “Aides 
Are Seeking to Improve President's 
Standing With Moderates and Wom- 
en." The whole exercise was a tired 
recycling of the election's propaganda 
about outreach and "compassionate 
conservatism." If the articles accompa- 
nying the photo had been read aloud 
in the open air, birds would have fallen 
from the sky at the sheer tedium of it. 
But the message was nonetheless pl: 
"The Bush team was not just a pol 
cal operation. It had a special relation- 
ship with the divine—and wanted you 
to know it. 

On September 11, that relationship 
proved about as useful as the CIA, the 
FBI and the National Security Council. 


praying with the president 


By CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS 


The events of black Tuesday provided 
a change of focus for the Bush presi- 
dency. In the space ofa week George W. 
Bush became a war president. The 
dramatic turnabout showed, by sharp 
contrast, just how meaningless and 
small-minded his fledgling presidency 
had been. 

The press now talks of a before and 
after, how America has changed forev- 
er. But let's look one more time at that 
photo of Republicans in prayer. A cyni- 
cal response might be that the Republi- 
cans had debts to pay to the religious 
right and to true believers, their politi- 
cal base. In this sense, the prayer pic 


We're in the grip 


of a faith-based 
cult—America 
first and the 
militarization of 
the heave 


was payback for the devout in much the 
same way the tax cut was a reward to 
campaign donors. 

I admit to a certain callous response 
to the photo, thinking that all things 
considered, it was a relatively inexpen- 
sive payback. It is not at all certain that 
the zealots will get much more than 
this for their pains. Ever since Reagan 
embraced the religious right, I have re- 
ceived direct mail from liberal groups 
warning me of Jerry Falwell's grand 
plan for a white Christian theocracy. 
"This tactic must work as a fund-raiser, 
because it keeps being repeated. 1 lived 
through 12 straight years of Reagan 
and Bush, and at the end of that peri- 
od, state-mandated prayer was not a 
common occurrence in American pub- 
lic schools. It's hard to find one woman 


or physician who had been arrested for 
contracting to receive or perform an 
abortion, Nor had any serious attempt 
been made to bring these dire conse- 
quences to pass. 

It's a reasonable bet this will still be 
the case after four years, or even eight, 
of Bush Junior. Consider the record: 
In the very same period as the White 
House pray-in, Bush was also photo- 
graphed sitting solemnly with the Pope. 
It was understood and announced that 
the pontiff had earnestly pleaded with 
the president to swear off stem cell re- 
search. There is also a thing called the 
Catholic vote. But when it came to it, 
Bush did not swear off stem cell re- 
search. He split the difference so ex- 
quisitely as to win himself comparisons 
with Bill Clinton. Like Clinton, he has 
a spouse who is publicly in favor of a 
woman's right to choose. Like Clinton, 
he goes to church to see and be seen. 
When Barbara Bush told the press he 
had been fond of Bible study as a boy. 
Dubya gave an interview contradict- 
ing her. It’s true that he says Jesus got 
him away from the bottle (in fact, we 
suspect that Laura said she'd leave him 
and take the kids), but maybe he's en- 
titled to a white This is not a reli- 
gious man. 

When terrorists flew planes into tar- 
gets on American soil, Bush played the 
faith card almost immediately. He in- 
voked the 23rd Psalm with the convic- 
tion of a man who learned about walk- 
ing through the valley of the shadow of 
death from Bartlett's, not the Bible. He 
spoke of launching a crusade before 
drifting off into metaphors drawn from 
movies and television, the childhood 
drama of WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE posters. 

When Jerry Falwell and Pat Robert- 
son tried to explain September 11 in 
terms of an Old Testament God riled 
by political disappointment—blaming 
the destruction on the ACLU, gays, les- 
bians, abortionists and Internet porn— 
Bush distanced himself. Suddenly, his 
political base bore a startling resem- 
blance to the Taliban. The president 
toned down the holy war rhetoric and 
began to discuss the crisis in more 
pragmatic terms. By September 20, 
when he addressed Congress, he had 
the language down. If there were any 
prayers at the Camp David strategy 


sessions, no photographer recorded 
the event. 

The crisis made faith-based politics 
seem irrelevant. Compared with the 
costs of preparing for war, catering to 
the religious right involved chump 
change. Faith-based programs will stag- 
ger on, but critics will not be heard. So 
what if a mere $50 million a year will 
continue to be shamefully wasted on 
pseudoeducational “programs” touting 
the virtues of sexual abstinence among 
the young? (Now there's an initiative 
based entirely on faith.) Do you know 
what a bomber costs? A month after the 
tragedy, the White House toned down 
its controversial plan to give govern- 
ment money to churches, mosques, 
synagogues and near-cult charities in 
an attempt to shift public and civic re- 
sponsibility for poverty onto the reli- 
gious. When Americans want to give, 


they pick up the phone. Victim relief 


funds raised more than a billion dollars 
in a matter of weeks and the gifts did 
not require a religious middleman. 
The crisis gave 
the president a mis- 
sion and Secretary 
of State Colin Pow- 
ell a real agenda, 
not the “pro-life” 
foreign policy the | 
administration 
flaunted earlier. As 
you may recall, one 
of the first acts of 
President Bush's 
administration was 
to deny funding to 
any American or- 
ganization working 
in the developing 
world if that orga- 
nization provided 
abortion counseling 
or even informed 
people about it. Chiding other nations 
about the sex lives of their citizens was 
simply not becoming. Seeking justice, 
moving men and machines to protect 
freedom—that is the stuff of history. 
John Ashcroft is said to begin the day 
at the Justice Department with prayer 
and Bible study. Better he should study 
the Bill of Rights. Ashcroft had been 
compelled to swear that he would up- 
hold the law on abortion as it stands. 
As it did for Colin Powell, the events 
of September 11 gave Ashcroft a real 
job. Within hours of the disaster he was 
asking for access to e-mail, seeking to 
install the controversial Internet wire- 
tap formerly known as Carnivore, and 
expanding police powers in detaining 
and questioning suspects. The bill in 
Congress that stripped civil liberties 


was known by the acronym Patriot. 

A few voices were asking the obvi- 
ous: Would any of these measures have 
prevented the terrible destruction that 
occurred on September 11? The ques- 
tion was deemed irrelevant, if not out- 
right treasonable. 

The attack on America gave the Bush 
administration a blank check. Gone 
were talks about energy, global-warm- 
ing treaties, tax cuts and education. We 
would spend whatever it takes to defeat 
the evildoers. Bush preached frugali- 
ty for about 10 seconds, taking a pot- 
shot at Clinton's response to Osama bin 
Laden. He would not repeat the fol- 
ly of sending a $2 million rocket into 
an empty tent. No, he would launch 
50 cruise missiles and an armada. Sec- 
retary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, 
who, days before the attack, had urged 
the president to veto a defense spend- 
ing bill that dared to cut money from 

Bush’s beloved Star Wars 
missile defense 


ONE MISSISSIPPI 
TWO MISSISSIPPI 
THREE MISSISSIPPI... 


suddenly got everything he wanted 
and more. 

There's nothing like cash flow to elim- 
inate critical thinking. Contractors will 
make an unprecedented fortune out 
of Star Wars whether it works or not, 
which means that after a while the la- 
bor unions will tag along and it will be- 
come even more unpatriotic to criticize 
our missile shield. And at the unveiling 
of the first launch site, it will be easy to 
arrange the presence of a Protestant 
and a Catholic bishop, a rabbi, a Mor- 
mon and even an imam. (Gott Mit Uns, 
as was written on the brass belt buckles 
of the German army.) 

As the crisis developed, a new photo- 
graph appeared in the papers—Bush 
seated at a table with men wearing 
turbans, a delegation of Sikhs. Bush is 


no longer for any one religion. That 
wouldn't be inclusive enough, and be- 
sides, the Constitution forbids it. No, 
now he is for all religions. The new 
pose is as fake as the pre-September 11 
prayer meeting. 

Aman named Will Herberg saw this 
fusion of greed and piety coming in the 
Eisenhower years and approved of it. 
His book, Protestant-Catholic-Jew, gar- 
nered huge sales with its combination 
of spirituality and materialism. Her- 
berg argued that the one true all-Amer- 
ican religion was “the American way of 
life.” The religious path for a red-blood- 
ed American was “not something that 
makes for humility and an uneasy con- 
science. Rather, it is something that val- 
idates his goals and ideals, instead of 
calling them into question, and enhanc- 
es his self-regard instead of challenging 
it.” President Eisenhower, who spoke 
out strongly for nothing in particular, 
putit this way: “Our government makes 
no sense unless it is founded on a deep- 
ly held religious belief—and I don’t 
care what itis.” 

Secure in this 
vague principle, the 
Bushies can get on 
with their own mis- 
sion to the rich. Acts 
of faith may be nec- 
essary: The stock mar- 
ket requires them al- 
most every day. But 
ideology is king, and 
ideology says the free 
market is best unless 
a really big corpora- 
tion needs a really 
big bailout. Congress 
gave the airline com- 
panies (and their 
shareholders) some 
$15 billion, but al- 
most nothing to the 
100,000 workers facing layoffs. The 
beauty of this materialist theology and 
this mishmash of religions is that it com- 
mits you, morally, to absolutely noth- 
ing. Faith is something that stirred peo- 
ple in the past to live and die for it, as 
well as kill. It signifies intransigent be- 
lief or unalterable principle. This kind 
of faith was at least sometimes modest 
and humble, not boastful or arrogant. 
But faith-based is weaker, shiftier, more 
insipid. It is the embroidered sampler 
on the wall, right over the cathouse pi- 
ano. And itis the framed Ten Command- 
ments on the wall of the schoolhouse 
that has no money to buy books. The 
result is icy charity for the poor, the 
making of pastors and nuns into part- 
time civil servants, a cult of America first 
and the militarization of the heavens. 


53 


54 


R E 


PUBLIC EXECUTIONS 
The artwork you use to illus- 
trate “Public Executions” (The 
Playboy Forum, October) shows 
a veiled woman with a red dot 
on her forehead, holding a 
man's decapitated head. I as- 
sume this woman is supposed 
to represent the Afghan wom- 
an described in the text. But 
Hindu women, not Muslim 
women, wear bindis. Your edi- 
tors need to take a religious 
studies course. 
Raj Sharma 
New York, New York 
We stand corrected. You weren't 
the only reader to notice the bindı. 
After September 11, it took on new 
significance. A reader in Seattle 
noted that, following the aitacks, 
“Hindu women were advised to 
wear bindis so they can be distin- 
guished from Islamic women and 
thus protected to some degree from 
the misdirected rage against Mus- 
lims who are involved in terrorist 
activities." 


You wrote in October that "a 
mob fought for souvenirs" after 
Rainey Bethea was hanged in 
Owensboro, Kentucky in 1936. 
But according to The Last Pub- 
lic Execution in America, a 1992 
book by Perry Ryan, they did 
not. Nor did they party or 
cheer. They were hushed and 
parted quietly as the hearse carry- 
ing Bethea's body left the scene. The 
county sheriff happened to be a wom- 
an (her husband had held the job un- 
til his death just weeks before), and the 
newspapers had been building their 
front pages based on the presumption 
that she would pull the lever. When 
she handed the job off to a drunken 
volunteer, the outraged newspaper re- 
porters concocted stories of the crowd 
going wild. 

Nikole Austin-Earnhart 
Slidell, Louisiana 

According to Ryan's book (posted online 
al geocities.com/lastpublichang), which is 
based in part on eyewitness interviews, the 
press greatly exaggerated the croud's reac- 
tion. The local newspaper lamented in an 
editorial that a few officials who took sou- 
venirs (such as a tag hanging from Bethea's 
hood) gave the national press license to de- 
scribe a rush of scavengers. The coverage 
so embarrassed the state of Kentucky that 


FOR THE RECORD 


it never again allowed a public execution, 
ending the practice in the U.S. 


You know who ought to be public! 
executed? All the cops and forensic sci- 
entists who knowingly testify falsely at 
death penalty trials, thereby putting in- 
nocent men and women on death row. 

Jayme Rosenbach 
Joliet, Illinois 


WE THE PEEPERS 

Your October Forum interview with 
Robert Ellis Smith, “We the Peepers,” 
begins with the question of what the 
founding fathers would have thought 
of the Internet. I think it's clear that 
Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton, Madi- 
son and the others would have loved 
it. It's the first medium that is unme- 
diated and affordable to many. It is 
truly democratic. It is diverse. It gives 
speakers the opportunity to speak with- 
out identifying themselves, something. 


E R 


the founders believed was vital 
in allowing U.S. citizens to criti- 
cize their government. 

The framers would have 
cringed at any attempt by the 
government to limit or restrict 
the Internet, particularly if it is 
justified only with vague talk of 
protecting "national security." 
‘They believed that freedom of 
speech and freedom of thought 
were core political values. More 
than any medium that has 
come before, the Internet sup- 
ports these values. Let's keep 
this firmly in mind before we 
begin censoring or regulating 
it, especially in light of recent 
tragic events. 

Shari Steele 

Executive Director 

Electronic Frontier 
Foundation 

San Francisco, California 


Boy, did you ever push my 
buttons on the issue of who we 
would consider the main foes of 
privacy. Scott Turow once com- 
mented that the age of instant 
access has made American pri- 
vacy a thing of the past. Twenty 
years ago, the cost of a phone 
answering machine was pro- 
hibitive enough that it wasn't 
worth it to me to buy one just to 
take messages. Then came the 
onslaught of direct marketing, 
and I had a second reason to buy one: 
to screen calls. Some states (mine among. 
them) have only now begun to estab- 
lish no-call lists with fines for any busi- 
ness that violates the law, but it's taken 
an entire generation to get around to 
even that. 

No-call lists don't cover those idiots 
who redial wrong numbers. My ma- 
chine regularly fields a flood of wrong 
numbers dialed by people who can tell 
from my greeting that, to paraphrase 
Dylan, "it ain't me he's looking for." So 
I end up playing back a message from 
someone I don't know for someone 
I don't know. Then the person makes 
another try after I'm home from work. 
When I was a kid and called a friend 
during suppertime, | got smacked up- 
side the head. 


Richard Miller 
Albion, New York 
We're not sure thal the annoyance of 
wrong numbers rises to the level of a privacy 


R E S 


nightmare. Consider the following stories 
that were sent to us by readers: 

© The Detroit Free Press reported that 
more than 90 state employees over the past 
five years have used the Law Enforcement 
Information Network to “stalk women, 
threaten motorists and settle scores.” The 
supposedly confidential database includes 
addresses, criminal records, driving histo- 
ries, auto registrations and other data. One 
stale police detective used the database to 
gather information about his estranged wife 
and the men she was seeing. His prying 
came to light after an unidentified gunman 
shot her dead as she led the couple's five- 
‘year-old daughter through a public тоо. Of- 
ficials believe her estranged husband, de- 
scribed in search warrants as “obsessive,” 
may have contracted the killing. In anoth- 
er case, a woman caught a married police- 
man's eye when he came to her boyfriend's 
home to take a report. He sent her roses, then 
showed up at her door. He had used the data- 
base to get her address. After she filed a com- 
plaint, he continued to woo her. His punish- 
‘ment for this gross violation of public trust? 
A days suspension and a good talking-to. 

* A woman from a small Illinois town 
went to a clinic to have an abortion. Com- 
plications developed, and she had to be sent 
to a hospital. An anti-abortion activist in- 
censed over the “botched” procedure ob- 
tained two pages of the woman’s private 
medical records and posted them online. The 
woman sued, but other anti-abortion sites 
copied and also posted the records. 

© Local officials in Tampa have placed 
cameras in a busy nighttime district, Ybor 
City. The cameras scan the crowds and 
match faces to mug shots of people wanted 
by police. One image of a construction work- 
er on his lunch break was printed in U.S. 
News and World Report as an example of 
how the technology works. An Oklaho- 
ma woman phoned the police, claiming the 
man was her ex-husband, who was wanted 
for felony child neglect. Three Tampa cops 
showed up at the man’s job site to question 
him as curious co-workers looked on. But the 
woman had been mistaken: It wasn't her ex. 
The photo had originally appeared in the 
St. Petersburg Times with the caption, “The 
man in this image was not identified as 
wanted.” 


We'd like to hear your point of view. Send 
questions, opinions and quirky stuff to The 
Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and city and state or province. 


THE REAGAN | 
RELIGION _ 


ne of the nation's most over- 
looked and morbidly fasci- 
nating political phenomena is the 
ongoing and official exaltation of 
Ronald Reagan, which, as the 90- 
je ex-president's health wors- 
is becoming an ideological mis- 
on for the true believers of the 
right wing. 

Admittedly, it made sense for the 
GOP Congress to name an aircraft 
carrier after the man—he played a 
central role aboard several carriers 
in World War 11 movies. Beyond 
that, the Reagan commemoration 
record reads as though George Car- 
lin hada hand in it: 

Reagan fired the nation’s air 
traffic controllers and put our 
system of air travel into a pro- 
longed’ crisis mode. So they 
named one of the busiest air- 
ports in the country after him: 
the Ronald Reagan Washington 
National Airport. 

Reagan despised the govern- 

ment's outrageous squandering 
of tax money on exorbitantly 
lavish and unnecessary projects. 
So they built a 3.1-million- 
square-foot office building and 
conference center—complete 
with a 625-seat amphitheater, 
two ballrooms and a 125-foot 
atrium—and named it the Ron- 
ald Reagan Building and Inter- 
national Trade Center. 

When he was governor of 
California, Reagan routinely 
flogged the Department of Mo- 
tor Vehicles as the epitome of gov. 
érnmental inefficiency. So the state's 
DMV proposed license plates that 
would bear his im: 

‘There is a campaign under way to 
get a Reagarí memorial designated 
in each of the nation's 50 states and 
3067 counties. Grover Norquist, 
who created the Reagan Legacy 
Project in 1997, also would like to 
see the ex-president’s bust alon 
sidé those of Washington, Li 
coln, Jefferson and Roosevelt on 
Mount Rushmore. Do I think thar 


in 20 years Reagan could be on 
Rushmore? Maybe,” says a hopeful 
Norquist, “Or we could have our 
own mountain." The Legacy Proj- 
ect's advisors include dozens of prom- 
inent Republicans such as Dick 
Armey, John Ashcroft, Tom DeLay, 
Bob Barr, Dan Burton, Jack Kemp, 
Phyllis Schlafly, Newt Gingrich, 
Jesse Helms and Karl Rove. 
Norquist's latest bright idea is to 
remoye Alexander Hamilton, the бє 
nancial visionary who created the 
monetary system that is the bedrock 
of American capitalism, from the 
10-dollar bill and replace him with 


Reagan, an economic maverick who 
ran up a national debt so gargantu- 
an that it may not be paid off even 
in our children's lifetimes. “It will 
pass very easily when Reagan passes 
away,” says Norquist. “Гуе told the 
Bush people to expect it." 

The irony, of course, is that ac- 


«ording to Republican mythology, 


President Reagan single-handed- 
dy toppled the communist bloc—a 
place where citizens at every turn 
gazed upon icons of their deified 
Jeaders. ROBERT S- WIEDER 


56 


N E W 


SFR 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


JUST SAY KNOB 


NEW DELHI, INDIA—India's population 
is expected to exceed that of China by 
2045. The country's health minister has 
proposed a solution: The government should 


send thousands of free televisions to com- 
munity centers in the rural areas with the 
most explosive growth. He says the sets will 
distract lovers during the evening hours 
and help the government reach remote ar- 
eas with family-planning information. 


STUMPED 


LACEY, WASHINGTON—To amuse him- 
self this past summer, J.P. Parshall spent 
а week carving a seven-foot tree stump 
into the shape of a penis, attached two 
USS. flags to the head and positioned the 
sculpture in his front yard. Neighbors com- 
plained to the Thurston County Sheriff's 
Office, which sent a patrolman to investi- 
gate. “My officer said he didn't know what 
we could do about it, and neither do 1,” 
Captain Dan Kimball said. “We don't 
have a county ordinance that says you 
can't carve your tree into a penis.” 


PARTY FAVORS 


NEW ORLEANS—Federal prosecutors have 
charged a company that organizes raves at 
a downtown theater with violating a law 
that prohibils anyone from maintaining 
a building where drugs are used or dis- 
tributed. The company agreed to pay a 
$100,000 fine, do more to prevent the 


use of ecstasy at its events and ban “drug 
paraphernalia” such as pacifiers, glow 
sticks, massage tables, vaporizer rub and 
dust masks. Three ravers took the govern- 
meni to court, arguing the ban on accesso- 
ries violated their rights. “What's next?" 
asked the director of the state ACLU. ‘A 
ban on tie-dyed shirts and dreadlocks?” A 
judge ruled for the ravers. 


SEALING THE DEAL 


DUNCANSVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA—Police 
suspected that the Garden Health Spa em- 
ployed prostitutes, so two undercover state 
troopers made appointments for $50 mas- 
sages. Sure enough, the masseuse offered to 
add a blow job for an additional $60. On- 
ly after she had fellated both cops did they 
signal backup officers to arrest her. (She 
pleaded guilty and left town.) A county 
prosecutor scolded the men, but a police 
official insisted “their hearts were m the 
right place,” and their commander said 
they would not be disciplined. The state po- 
lice say that in the future, officers may be 
allowed to have sex on duty only when lives 
are at stake. 


AWOMAN SCORNED 


TORONTO—When Eunwoo Lee discou- 
ered that her boyfriend was married, she 
sued for the Canadian equivalent of 
$143,000, charging him with “violation 
of her body.” She said that because her 
lover had lied about his marital status, her 
consent could not be said to have been 
“free, voluntary and informed,” which she 
equated with sexual assault. She also asked 
for damages because the affair had re- 
moved her from the singles market. Lee's ex 
asked the judge to dismiss the cose. 


LIFESAVERS 


FREDERICK, MARYLAND— fuo sheriff's 
deputies pulled over Tom Moore after chas- 
ing his pickup for nine miles. The offi- 
cers say Moore growled at them but other- 
wise refused to respond, and that it took a 
mightstick, pepper spray and a police dog 
to subdue him. In fact, doctors say Moore 
did not respond because he was slipping 
into a diabetic coma. He spent the next 
four days in the hospital because of in- 
juries suffered during the arrest. When he 
later sued the police and Frederick County 
for $170 million, the county attorney said 
that Moore should instead be grateful to 


the officers for saving his life. The two cops 
have countersued, demanding that Moore 
pay them al least $68,000 because his 
complaints hurt their careers. 


SUCKED IN 


SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA—Based on the 
victims’ descriptions, a Brea police detec- 
tive believed she knew who had raped two 
area women. She asked the suspect, who 
had lived near both victims, if he would 
meet her at a local Taco Bell to discuss his 
thoughts on the case. Al the restaurant, she 
offered to refill his soda. She then handed 
his straw to an undercover officer. DNA 
tests on the man’s saliva linked him to both 
rapes. He pleaded guilty, and a judge sen- 
tenced him to two life terms. 


TOUCH RIGHT HERE 


CORONA, CALIFORNIA— Officers from 
the stale Department of Alcoholic Bever- 
age Control twice visited Angels Sports 
Bar to determine that topless dancers were 
touching themselves. The agents reported 
that eight dancers touched their breasts 
briefly, including one who tugged on her 
nipple rings. Citing regulations that forbid 
“the touching, caressing or fondling of the 
breasts, buttocks, anus or genitals" in clubs 
that serve alcohol, the department sus- 


pended Angels’ liquor license for 30 days. 
The club cried foul, and a review panel 
overturned the decision. It ruled that the 
dancers have a First Amendment right to 
touch themselves as part of the “expressive 
element of the dance.” 


SUCCESS 
IS ONE THING, 


ENJOYING IT 


IS ANOTHER. 


THE NEW CELICA ACTION PACKAGE. LOOKS FAST. 


A ee 
OTe аузу: 


©2001 TOYOTA NOTOR SALES, U.S.A. INC. BUCKLE UPI DOTT FOR THOSE WHO LOVE YOU, 


was BRIT HUME 


a candid conversation with the fox news channel anchor about his upstart network, tv's 
political agenda, how he'll cover the new war and why tu news matters more than ever 


On the morning of September 11, 2001 
Brit Hume, Fox News Channel's star an- 
chorman, chief Washington correspondent 
and managing editor, is having breakfast 
with a colleague in the company cafeteria 
when he looks up at the television monitor to 
watch his network—the newest and hottest 
24-hour neus network—showing unbeliev- 
able images. One tower of the World Trade 
Center in New York City is aflame. Hume 
turns up the volume and listens to the sketchy 
details. Something big is under way, but it's 
unclear what. 

When another jet hits the second World 
Trade Center tower, Hume quickly heads up- 
stairs to his office, where he assembles his 
staff. Whatever is happening in New York— 
by now it's apparent there has been а ter- 
rorist attack—will soon require a Washing- 
ton, D.C. perspective. How is President Bush 
reacting? Is the U.S. military responding? 
Hume's team prepares to go live just as the 
news comes that Capital police are evacu- 
ating the area. A jet, currently 20 minutes 
away, is speeding toward them. 

Hume ignores the evacuation order and 
instructs his crew to find a different studio in 
the building. (Hume's regular studio faces 
the Capitol, and he worries an explosion 
could blow out their facilities.) Within min- 


Tim Russert does a good job. Peter Jennings 
is still the best al breaking a news story. 1 
don't know that anybody has ever done it as 
well. At the height of his power, Cronkite 
wasn as good as Peter is now. 


ules, the staff of Fox News’ Special Report, 
Hume's evening news program, has com- 
mandeered a studio at the far side of the 
building and, moments later, Hume is on the 
air, reporting live. The jet en route to Wash- 
ington has crashed inta the Pentagon. 

The horrendous day for America is just be- 
ginning as the devastation sinks in and the 
dead are tallied. The nation's citizens huddle 
around TV screens. Hume rarely moves from 
his auchor seat. On this day Fox News Chan- 
nel is simulcast over the Fox broadcast net- 
work of affiliates, plus Fox Sports, Fox Fam- 
ily Channel, FX and National Geographic. 
The huge number of viewers is only part of 
the story for the network that has challenged 
the reign of CNN as the nation's premier 24- 
hour news network. Fox must prove that 
Hume and his team can hold their own in the 
Jace of one of the most important news stories 
of our era. With more viewers than CNN in 
some markets, Fox News Channel coverage 
of the crisis is up-to-the-minute and smart, 
competitive with CNN and the networks. 

Few thought it was possible in 1996 when 
Rupert Murdoch established Fox News Chan- 
nel. Even though Murdoch had baffled ex- 
perts years ago when he founded the Fox 
broadcast network, no one thought he could 
duplicate his success with an all-news cable 


“For hours on September 11 the nation didn't 
hear from its government. There was no one 
encouraging or assuring the American peo- 
ple. They needed calm and reasoned report- 
ing. was a day for us to do our duty. 


outlet. CNN founder Ted Turner said that 
he would “squish Murdoch like a bug.” The 
new network didn't seem lo have a chance 
against the more established news outlets— 
CNN, CNN Headline News and CNBC. 
But that was yesterday. Fox News Channel is 
now the fastest-growing cable netwark, win- 
ning more viewers than CNN in more than 
30 percent of the 65 million homes with ac- 
cess to both channels, According to The New 
York Times, “In the prized demographic of 
adults between the ages of 25 and 54 who 
watch cable news, Fox News’ viewership has 
increased by a full 430 percent in the past 
three years, while CNN's has declined by 28 
percent.” Fox’ success means that it is now 
setting the agenda—and a breathless pace— 
for 24-hour news networks. Indeed, when 
CNN recently debuted its new look, il was a 
mirror image of Fe 
Before joining Fox, Hume was al ABC, 
where he worked for 23 years, eight of them 
as the network's chief White House corre- 
spondent. He watched as “the most exciting 
and important” television news coverage 


all-news fray with CNBC and later MSNBC, 
but Hume's network, owned by Disney, 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY KEN CEDEÑO: 


“Pushing a party line would be our death. 
We wanted our coverage to be compelling 
and we wanted it to be fair. We knew that Fox 
News Channel had to be a valid competitor 
to CNN, not some down-market version." 


59 


FEAT EGY 


resisted the internal and external pressures 
to follow suit. Hume had once turned down 
an offer from Fox News Channel because of 
his contract with ABC, but he left ABC in 
1997. As he says, “People wondered why I 
was leaving the Yankees to join an expan- 
sion team. 

Setting up a bureau in the capital, Hume 
anchored his nightly show and began to 
build an audience. Meanwhile, Fox News 
changed the look of television journalism, 
filling the screen with far more than talking 
heads. The network incorporated live viewer 
discussions via Internet messaging and live 
phone calls to talk shows, as well as graphics 
and music. Fox News’ ratings rose, helped by 
personalities such as Hume and the bullying 
conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly, a 
slimmer version of Rush Limbaugh who won 
an enormous following for his show The 
O'Reilly Factor. 

Since the beginning, Fox has been at- 
tacked for its conservative bias. In fact, 
many critics slammed the network for push- 
ing Murdoch's conservative agenda. As The 
New York Times Magazine reported, “Fox 
has become a major player in Murdoch's 
global empire of right-leaning media out- 
lets.” Hume has consistently argued that it’s 
a baseless attack, maintaining that if Fox 
seems conservative it's only because it doesn't 
subscribe to the liberal slant spouted by the 
rest of the media. 

Throughout the summer that preceded the 
terrorist attack, events were relatively staid. 
President Bush was wrangling with Con- 
gress over energy, education, stem cells and 
election reform. The biggest story of the sea- 
son was the disappearance of Chandra Lev 
The 24-hour news channels—with Fox N 
Channel leading the pack—could have effec- 
tively replaced their mottoes (in Fox! case, 
“We Report, You Decide”) with something 
along the lines of “All Condit, AU the Time.” 

Many of Fox’ critics, however, might be 
surprised to see how often Hume pushes his 
team to make certain that its reports are 
“fair and balanced.” In an editorial mec 
ing, when an editor suggested a piece that 
would describe “what the Democrats did 
wrong handling the Condit scandal,” Hume 
snapped, “Or what they did right.” When he 
was given a story about a firefighter who 
died because of endangered fish in a stream 
(the protected stream was off-limits to fire- 
fighters, who had to travel farther for wa- 
ter), Hume asked, “And the other side of the 
story is?” He adds, “If the other side isn't 
told, the piece doesn't run.” Whether Hume 
can succeed in creating a news show thal is 
Jair and balanced is hotly debated, though 
the network's overall bias seems plain—and 
right leaning. A typical teaser on the Special 
Report website reads, “President Bush may 
grant legal status to an estimated four mil- 
lion illegal Mexicans living in the Unit- 
ed States. They will be given the same rights 
as you and me. How will this impact your 
taxes, your town, your job? ГИ have a fair 
and balanced report.” The network claims 
repeatedly to be fair and balanced, but the 


60 (сазе, like much of the network's coverage, 


has an us-against-them tone and a conserv- 
ative point of vi 

Hume's role in a conservative-leaning 
network wouldn't have been predicted from 
his background. He grew up in Washington, 
where his father worked as an inventor. 
When his brother reached draft age, his par- 
ents protested against the Vietnam war. 

An unexceptional student, Hume barely 
graduated from college but found his calling 
when he walked into a newspaper office in 
Hartford, Connecticut. He worked for half 
a decade as a newspaper reporter and, in 
1969, he won a fellowship that led to an iei 
vestigation of the United Mine Workers. 
magazine article on the story caught he 
attention of syndicated columnist Jack An- 
derson, who hired Hume as а reporter. Work- 
ing for Anderson, Hume was leaked a memo 
written by International Telephone and Tele- 
graph lobbyist Dita Beard. In 1972, Hume 
wrote a story based on the internal docu- 
ment, about ITT's pledge to pay for part of 
the Republican National Convention in re- 
turn for relief from Justice Department an- 
titrust actions. It was one of the biggest scan- 
dals of its time. 

Later, Hume became a correspondent, 
covering presidential campaigns and Capi- 


What higher patriotic 
duty can there 
be than to 
present all sides 


of any issue? 


tol Hill for ABC News. In 1979, he co-wrote 
and narrated The Killing Ground, the first 
TV documentary to be nominated for an 
Academy Award. In 1989, he became the 
network's familiar treuch-coated chief White 
House correspondent for the first Bush and 
then the Clinton administrations. While at 
ABC, he won an Emmy for his Gulf war cov- 
erage and made headlines when he asked a 
question at a press conference that sent Pres- 
ident Clinton into a rage. 

Hume, 58, is married to Kim Hume, who 
preceded him at Fox News as the network's 
Washington bureau chief, Father of three 
children, he suffered a personal tragedy when 
one of them, his son, Sandy, from his first 
marriage—a respected and successful 28- 
year-old journalist (he wrote for The Hill, 
The Weekly Standard, The New Republic 
and did on-the-air commentary for Fox)— 
committed suicide in 1998. 

As we've watched Fox News’ ratings (and 
its influence on the way that television covers 
the news) continue lo grow, we decided to 
track down the network's star anchor for an 
interview. Contributing Editor David Sheff, 
who last interviewed the cast and creators of 
The West Wing, met up with him in Wash- 
ington, Here is Sheff's report: 

“Hume, spectacles silting low on his nose, 


led a summer editorial meeting with serious- 
ness but not without humor. He had a sar- 
donic comment about almost every news sto- 
ry and personality that came up in the next 
day's meeting, too. When the group decided to 
ask President Jimmy Carter to be a guest on 
the interview portion of that evening's shou 
Hume shrugged and said, "Yes, sometimes 
he says something.’ Then he peered over his 
glasses and said, "The guy you don't want is 
Ford.’ Then, when a producer reported that 
there are new efforts to kill the BI bomber, 
Hume yawned and said. У guess we have to 
do it, but stories about efforts to kill the BI 
bomber go back to when the earth cooled” 
“We spoke again after the September IT 
terrorist attack. As 1 watched him and the 
other network anchors throughout the cri; 
1 realized that Hume is one of the nation's 
strongest anchors, holding his own against 
such stalwarts as Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw 
and Peter Jennings or any of CNN's lineup." 


PLAYBOY: When you heard that a jet was 
on a collision course with Washington, 
and Capitol police were evacuating the 
area, what was your reaction? 

HUME: I thought, Am I about to get killed 
here? Maybe. But this is the duty I have 
signed up for. I knew what we had to do. 
PLAYBOY: Did you consider evacuating? 
HUME: I couldn't leave my post. The im- 
portance of that decision became clear- 
er as the day went on. For hours the na- 
tion didn't hear from its government. 
After an initial brief statement, Pres 
Bush was gone and out of touch except 
for a second brief statement given hours 
later. There was no one encouraging or 
assuring the American people. Congress 
and the State Department were evacuat- 
ed and the Defense Department was on 
fire. We thought, This isa day for us to do 
our duty and inform the American peo- 
ple. They needed calm and reasoned and 
authoritative reporting, This was a day 
for us to do our duty. 

PLAYBOY: Overall, did the media succeed? 
HUME: We did. We served our country. 
L was impressed by the unprecedented 
feeling of cooperation. Everyone was 
watching for excess. We needed to keep 
our perspective and put bad information 
to rest. The only exclusive of the day 
came from CNN, which reported a retal- 
iatory air strike in Kabul. Even for that, 
CNN shared its tape, though the story 
turned out to be wrong. 

PLAYBOY: A lot has changed since the at- 
tack. Before, briefings by government 
officials in the middle of the day were 
considered dull. Not anymore. How in- 
tense is your audience's interest? 
HUME: People are shaken up in a way 
they never have been before. It's not go- 
ing away for a while. 

as covering this story person- 


ally affected you? 
HUME: It’s a distressing story to cover. 
There's nothing fun about it. It has 
been depressing. As Dan Rather cloquent- 
ly and emotionally put it on Letterman, 


“The magnificent verse in America the 
Beautiful may not apply any longer. 
They may no longer be alabaster cities 
undimmed by human fears.” 

PLAYBOY: Will journalism change? 

HUME: It already has. The lines have been 
drawn. One way has been the issue of 
the type of attitude journalists are sup- 
posed to have. Are they allowed to dis- 
play their patriotism or is that a sin? The 
debate has exposed a fault line in Amer- 
ican journalism that is not attractive. At 
its most basic level, is it all right for a 
journalist to wear a flag pin in his or 
‘her lapel? Several news organizations, 
including, I'm sorry to say, ABC New 
have adopted policies that one may not. 
There's a sense that journalists must 
hold themselves above and apart from 
the people they serve. I disagree. The 
idea that wearing a small symbol, not of 
a political administration or a political 
cause but a flag of the country, means 
you have stepped over journalistic lines 
is ridiculous and unfortunate. At Fox, no 
one is required to wear—and no one is 
prohibited from wearing—a flag. But ev- 
ery journalism professor who has written 
on the subject opposes it. One of them 
wrote that he doesn't like to mix his pa- 
triotism with his professionalism, as if the 
two were somehow at war. 

PLAYBOY: Traditionally speaking, a jour- 
nalist's job is to avoid representing any 
point of view 


HUME; If I were to wear a stovepipe hat 
with the colors on it like the guy who 
does Uncle Sam in the Fourth of July 
parade, that would be inappropriate. I 
wouldn't have enough headroom for the 
shot anyway 

PLAYBOY: But while it is the government's 
job to unify the country and present an 
optimistic scenario, reporters are bound 
by the truth. Journalists aren't supposed 
to push patriotism. They must present 
all sides. 

HUME: What higher patriotic duty can 
there be than to present all sides of any 
issue? However, what is the other side of 
the story of a terrorist massacre? Is one 
side the antiterrorist side and the other 
the proterrorist side? 

PLAYBOY: Their deplorable attacks not- 
withstanding, the terrorists represent an 
anti-American view held in some quar- 
ters of the Middle East because of a range 
of issues: our sanctions against Iraq, our 
support of Israel, our military presence. 
Doesn't that story need to be told? 
HUME: There's nothing we know about 
this attack to make anything the U.S. has 
done relevant. We of course tell the oth- 
er side of the story—the criticisms of 
American foreign policy. We give voice 
to those views. But that's not what this 
terrorism is about. It's not related to Is- 
lam. It’s related to a crackpot fringe that 
may be supported by some of the more 
nefarious elements of the world, includ- 


ing Saddam Hussein. The idea that this 
is somehow a function of Islam or Amer- 
ican presence in Saudi Arabia or U.S 
support of Israel is nonsense. However, 
these arguments present part of our mis- 
sion at Fox. We are trying to listen care- 
fully to what's being said. We attempt to 
look deeper, not to jump on the band- 
wagon. A great example is a story we're 
currently working on about airline safe- 
ty. We are looking at the argument that 
the federal government should take over 
airport security 

PLAYBOY: You disagree? 

HUME: As far as we know, the weapons 
used in these attacks are all weapons 
you're permitted to carry on airplanes 
Where was the breakdown of security? 
The terrorists got on the jets carrying 
things you're allowed to carry on. There 
were small knives and box cutters. There 
is no evidence there were any bombs. 
Everyone is complaining about the lev- 
el of education of the people who are 
working in airport security, but what did 
they do wrong? Nothing, at least from 
what we have heard so far. That's the 
kind of thing we look for. We attack the 
knee-jerk response. The fact is, airport 
security to this day has been a tremen- 
dous success story given its mission. It 
was designed to conquer the problem of 
hijacking as we knew it. This was a dif- 
ferent kind of hijacking, one we had nev- 
er seen before. In the past, hijackings 


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were used to get a plane from its intend- 
ed destination to the hijackers’ destina 
tion. We successfully stopped that. This 
time, they were going to crash the planes 
into buildings. 

PLAYBOY: In The New Yorker, Susan Sontag 
criticized the media for echoing the ad- 
ministration's voice and for "infantiliz- 
ing” the public. Do you disagree? 

HUME: How nauseating! In the annals of 
moral equivalency, her article almost 
made me cry. She tried to draw some 
moral equivalency between the behavior 
of our government to these terrorists, 
but there is no moral equivalency. She 
represents an anti-Americanism among 
some of the media and much of aca- 
deme. It has been there for a long time, 
but it had been obscured. Now it is obvi- 
ous. In this attack on America, terrorists 
motivated by some Ku Klux Klan ver- 
sion of Islam committed a massacre. It's 
appalling. 

PLAYBOY: Many people feel as if the attack 
ushered in a new era—we are now liv- 
ing in a different world. Is it a different 
world for the media, too? 

HUME: It is. How do we cover a long- 
term war against terrorists? We know 
how to cover traditional conflicts be- 
tween standing armies. New issues are 
being raised. Since the government was 
mendacious during the Vietnam war, 
journalists learned they shouldn't accept 
what the government tells us about a con- 
flict. Relying on direction from the gov- 
ernment was considered the wrong way 
to cover a war since Vietnam and that 
held over into the Gulf war. Now, howev- 
er, we may have to think about that. 
PLAYBOY: Are you suggesting that in a 
war against terrorism the media should 
work closely with the government? 
HUME: I'm suggesting that we have some 
very important issues to consider. What 
if you find out ahead of time that there is 
going to be a clandestine operation? Do 
you report it? 

PLAYBOY: Do you? 

HUME: We have to make a careful calland 
I wonder how the journalists who de- 
cline to wear the American flag because 
they don't want to take one side or the 
other will decide. If their policy is to re- 
port everything they know in a com- 
pletely objective vacuum, what do they 
do if they find out where the troops are 
going? Should they report it? If you 
know that the United States Special Ser- 
vices are going in to take Osama bin La- 
den at a particular place and time, wheth- 
er you choose to report it or not is a 
decision that affects the events. If you re- 
port it, you are in effect warning the en- 
emy. Is it your higher duty to inform the 
people and damn the consequences? It's 
not a problem for us at Fox News. We 
know how we stand. 
PLAYBOY: Both politicians and the media 
have not been widely favored by the pub- 
lic. The president's approval rating is at 
an all-time high. Will the media be able 


to redeem itself, too? 

HUME: There's a chance. I'm pretty com- 
fortable about how we're going to come 
out, but not our colleagues, For the sake 
of the country, I hope they perform well. 
I don't have high hopes. 

PLAYBOY: You have covered several presi- 
dents. How has Bush performed during 
this cri 
HUME: He has done fine. The steps he has 
taken are the right ones. His promises of 
action are correct, but so are his warn- 
ings that this will be a long struggle. He 
correctly put the country on a war foot- 
ing in a sensible way. In general, it has 
been a good thing to see how everyone 
in Washington has come together over 
this. Weare really seeing what most Amer- 
icans long for: real nonpartisanship. 
PLAYBOY: From the front lines, how does 
President Bush compare with Clinton? 
HUME: Bush is a likable guy, but he does 
not have the magnetism and the utter 
charm of Clinton. Clinton is the most 
charming man Гуе ever met. In his pres- 
ence, it's impossible to dislike him. 1 was 
in the press pool one day and he was 
havinga photo op. The pool waits in the 
colonnade outside the Oval Office. The 
doors were thrown open and the group 
was pouring in like kids going to recess. 
The president and his guest were seated 
side by side in front of the fireplace. It's 
the same drill with every administration. 
I happened to tumble in first. Clinton 
looked up at me and said, “Hi, Brit.” 
You would not imagine that that much 
charm could be packed into those two 
words, but he was so easygoing and en- 
gaging in the way he said it that I felt 
momentarily shocked, You may not re- 
spect him, but you like him. 1 liked him 
before he was president, liked him while 
he was president and like him to this day. 
Bush is likable, too, but in a different 
way. At this level of politics, the men and 
women are all pretty good. They usual- 
ly come by their charm naturally. They 
probably wouldn't be in politics if they 
didn't like people and didn’t like the hu- 
man interaction. More to the point, they 
wouldn't have gotten where they are if 
they weren't engaging personalities. 
PLAYBOY: The first president you covered 
up close was Bush Senior. 

HUME: I liked him very much. 

PLAYBOY: How about Reagan? 

HUME: He was more intuitively intel- 
ligent and shrewd than he was given 
for, and much more effective. In 
journalism we have a weakness. We are 
attracted to knowledgeability because it's 
what we trade in. In my view, we often 
confuse it with ability. We therefore find 
a Bill Clinton fascinating and admirable 
because he knows a lot. We talk fora liv- 
ing, so we are dazzled by his articulate- 
ness. We worry about the person who is 
much less articulate and who speaks in 
oversimplified ways. 

PLAYBOY: Like our current president, for 
example? 


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HUME: Yes, our current president—and 
Ronald Reagan. Neither is a particular- 
ly polished talker. Reagan was great with 
a written speech, but he wasn't good at 
talking off-the-cuff. His press confer- 
ences were wild adventures. You see the 
same with Bush, who avoids them. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think the media under- 
estimate Bush? 

HUME: They think Bush is a dope. That 
thinking is less of a danger to the presi- 
dent than it is to the people. Why? Smart 
reporters will be critical of a president 
they underestimate in a more discern- 
ing way. On the other hand, we may 
miss things if we're blinded by someone's 
smooth talking. I think we were blind- 
ed by Clinton. Carter, too. Some really 
smart reporters were blinded. If you be- 
lieve someone is that smart, you feel as if 
you can relax and sit back and believe 
them. That's the danger. 

PLAYBOY: Súll, wouldn't you prefer the 
smartest possible president? 

HUME: I think Bush is very smart even if 
he may not know the volume of informa- 
tion known by someone like Clinton. 
Part of the view that Bush is stupid dis- 
guises a contempt and resentment that 
have nothing to do with his ability. These 
reporters look at the life he’s lived. Like 
Reagan, Bush came to his political ca- 
reer later in life after another career in 
which he did pretty well. We don't nec- 
essarily admire that. Reagan used to be 
a movie actor. Bush owned a baseball 
team. We assume a sense of privilege 
and less sincerity. Indeed, Bush’s perfor- 
mance rhetorically during the Septem- 
ber crisis wasn't particularly impressive. 
He is no Winston Churchill, Franklin 
Roosevelt or Reagan. We didn’t elect a 
great statesman. However, as I said, he 
has thus far handled things very well 
PLAYBOY: You once caused President Clin- 
ton to terminate a press conference. 
What happened? 

HUME: He got mad at me because of my 
question about the process in which he 
had chosen Ruth Bader Ginsburg to be 
on the Supreme Court. Her nomination 
had followed Clinton's withdrawal of the 
nomination of Lani Guinier. In my ques- 
tion, I said that the process may have 
created an impression ofa zigzag quality 
in the administration's decision making. 
I said it could be an unfair impression, 
and asked for a comment. I asked the 
question in a pretty respectful way, and 
he got mad. 

PLAYBOY: Did you regret your question? 
HUME: No. It was pretty clear that he'd 
overreacted. Afterward I thought, How 
will I ever thank him enough? Andy War- 
hol said that everybody gets 15 minutes 
of fame. I knew that my 15 minutes were 
about to begin. They did. I came in the 
next morning and there were 40-some 
messages on my answering machine, 
most from radio talk-show hosts who 
wanted me as a guest. 1 knew that for a 


64 while there was going to be a furor over 


the Brit Hume question. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever discuss it with 
Clinton? 
HUME: The next day. There were some 
new economic statistics out and Clinton 
used them as an excuse to come to the 
pressroom and crow. He threw me the 
first question, saying, “Now you get your 
follow-up.” We joked about the incident. 
I had just returned from my honeymoon 
in Hawaii, and he said something like, 
“The reason I got mad was that you got 
a honeymoon and | didn't." Clinton was 
given to flashes of temper. It was never 
clear to me that he was really mad_ 
PLAYBOY: What's your take on Hillary 
Clinton? 
HUME: Along with John McCain, s 
one of the most interesting politi 
out there. 
PLAYBOY: Why those two? 
HUME: McCain is the most picaresque 
character in the Senate and one of the 
truly compelling figures on the nation- 
al scene. I don't think that I or the rest 
of the people here at Fox News drank 
the same Kool-Aid the rest of the media 
drank where he was concerned, though. 
He ts portrayed as a man without foibles. 
He is not without foibles. Still, he is an 
admin able figure. The problem for Mc- 
is that politics is a team sport, and 
not a team player. And I think 
you've got to watch Hillary. She is one of 
a handful of people who are, in and of 
themselves, interesting. 
PLAYBOY: What's your view on Al Gore's 
future? Will he run again? 
HUME: My guess is that he's going to 
make another go at it. It's awfully hard 
Not to. 
PLAYBOY: What did Gore do wrong? 
HUME: He made the mistake of conde- 
scending to his opponent, which is very 
unattractive. In addition, 1 think the eco- 
nomic populism and a lot of the rhetoric 
that came out of his campaign was right 
out of an AFL-CIO brochure from the 
Forties. He didn’t run as a centrist Dem- 
ocrat the way Clinton had. He was al- 
ways talking about fighting. People are 
tired of fighting. He was going on about 
the big interests, but I think that's a sour 
note in America at a time when more 
than half of the households own stock in 
the big interests. But look, he did all 
right. He almost won. 
PLAYBOY: As a White House correspon- 
dent, do you have to be careful not to of- 
fend the president and others in the ad- 
istration because your access will be 


cut off? 
HUME: No. The job of White House cor- 
respondent is a judgment beat more 
than a reporting beat. You have to inter- 
pret what's going on. You're not gener- 
ally after scoops, and you're not worry- 
ing about access. You have to judge and 
interpret the news and apply the appro- 
priate skepticism and analysis. The great 
temptation is for a reporter to do thi 

a smartass way. It creates an aura of so- 


phistication intended to impress the au- 
dience, but I'm not impressed by cheap 
shots. The best reporters offer the ap- 
propriate note of skepticism and irrever- 
ence, but they are never unfair. It's a bal- 
ancing act. 

PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, aren't correspon- 
dents all vying for the inside scoop? 
HUME: The number of scoops that come 
out of the White House by the corre- 
spondents who cover the building are 
remarkably few. It's even more true now 
that the Bush team has such a tight lid 
on information. | don't think they're 
handling it very well, but that's the way 
they've chosen to do it. 

PLAYBOY: How aren't they handling it well? 
HUME: There's a tighter flow of informa- 
tion. Trying to control the media re- 
minds me a little bit of trying to teach a 
pig to sing. It doesn't work, and it annoys 
the pig. If it doesn't work and annoys 
the media, why do it? t the C 
ton White House tried to control every- 
thing, but it didn’t work for them, either. 
George Stephanopoulos, in charge at the 
time, admitted it was his mistake. Every 
administration sooner or later tries it 
PLAYBOY: Regardless of the administra- 
tion, however, is a reporter punished by 
the White House if he is antagonistic? 
HUME: The White House doesn't grant 
access depending on whether or not 
you're a nice guy. It has to do with your 
audience—who they want to reach. Ann 
Devroy [White House correspondent for 
The Washington Post for 12 years before 
she died in 1997] was mean as hell, and 
she never stopped getting scoops or ac- 
cess. If you're with one of the major net- 
works or newspapers, they have to do 
business with you. 

PLAYBOY: How much clout do you have 
at Fox? 

HUME: We're a lot farther up the food 
chain than we used to be. 

PLAYBOY: What has changed? 

HUME: Part of it is, we've been around 
long enough to become a fixture. It works 
that way in Washington: Alter a while, 
you're accepted even if people don't like 
you. It becomes understood that people 
have to deal with you. It's not only time, 
though. There's a sense that ours is a 
widely viewed operation. We're on in 
Washington—people here see us. You 
can tell how we're doing by how easy it is 
to book people on Fox News Sunday, which 
has improved dramatically. 

PLAYBOY: Are you having an easier time 
the Bush admit tion than you had 
in Clinton's? 

HUME: Yes. We're treated fairly by this 
White House. 

PLAYBOY: Implying that you weren't treat- 
ed fairly by the Clinton White House? 
HUME: The Clinton team would have 
liked to strangle us in our cribs. They 
weren't happy we were here, As a result, 
they weren't leaping to be on our shows. 
Now we're doing better even among the 
Democrats, despite the perception that 


we're Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes’ 
conservative network. It’s a function of 
having been around and presenting a 
newscast that is pretty mainstream. As a 
result, we're being treated fairly, where- 
as with Clinton there was a sense that we 
were an illegitimate enterprise that was 
presenting some kind of whacked-out 
adversarial news. In addition, we were 
perceived as not big enough to matter. 
Now we are broadcast nearly every- 
where and our audience has exploded 
The perception by this administration 
is that we're not going to be automatical- 
ly unfair. 

PLAYBOY: Is it, in fact, assumed that you 
will be sympathetic? 

HUME: In an interview early in his term, I 
aid, “Mr. President, we had difficulty at 
times in the early years, and we are hop- 
ing we will get fair treatment now. I'm 
not asking for anything more than that. 
He said, “I can tell you right now that 
you're going to be treated fairly.” My feel- 
ing was that this was а proper request. If 
I had said, “Mr. President, as you know, 
we're not unsympathetic to you,” it 
would have been improper. Noris it true 
that we will present news that pushes any 
partisan agenda. For anyone in doubt, 
weare the ones who broke the story about 
Bush's DUI before the election. It's not 
parti: i i 
will continue to build our repu 
‘ox News’ ratings rose aft 
Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. Does 
er you that the news is so salacious 
HUME: I don't think there's anything new 
about it. Most news organizations always 
have balanced news, sensational stories 
and entertainment. A small handful of 
news organizations—including The Wall 
Street Journal and The New York Times— 
are devoted purely to straightforward 
news. They have sufliciently large circu- 
lations among an elite sector of the audi- 
ence. However, most media don't have 
that luxury, so they do what they have to 
do. Newspapers and other news organi- 
zations have always tried to engage as 
many viewers or readers as possible with 
promotions, games and comics, and 
there has long been a premium on celeb- 
rities. There's always a struggle between 
serious news and stuff that's interesting 
or entertaining but may be frivolous. 
There's a certain magic in being able to 
find stories that are revealing, important 
and consequential on some level but also 
have the element of entertainment. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't that a dangerous trend? 
When it’s all about ratings, won't you or 
lar news organizations drop the sto- 
ries about education or the budget in fa- 
yor of sensational stories? 

HUME: 1 don't think so. In fact, we're like- 
ly to get more of everything, not less. 
While Chandra Levy and Lewinsky and 
the ОЈ. Simpson trial took over huge 
sections of daily programming, they did 
not take over all of it. There was still 
room for those that chose more substan- 


tial news. It's more true than ever when 
you have so many choices—from C-Span 
to CNN to Fox. 


PLAYBOY: Fox News has been accused of 


adding to the deterioration of serious 
news coverage by initiating sensational 
headlines and MTV-like graphics. How 
do you plead? 

HUME: To the extent that it enlivens the 
coverage without affecting the sub- 
stance, no harm, no foul. It may even do 
some good ifit makes people tune in and 
pay attention when you consider what 
we're competing against on television. 
You get worried if you're trashing ev 
erything. If you trivialize the important 
things and rely on the unimportant, then 
you've missed your opportunity. We are 
careful to monitor that line. 

PLAYBOY: You have been accused of cross- 
ing i 
HUME: By people who don't watch us. 
When we started Fox News, we decided 
we wanted to create a compelling news 
station that offers a different kind of re- 
porting than anything out there—cover- 
age that is fair and balanced. We wanted 
to choose stories that weren't being cov- 
cred and to find the angles of well-cov- 
ered stories that were being ignored. In 
such a competitive atmosphere, we had 
to do all kinds of things to disting 
ourselves. We knew that Fox News Chan- 
nel had to be a valid competitor to CNN, 
and not some down-market version. For 
when the Florida election dead- 
ed, we needed to be there with 
high-quality coverage. We needed to pro- 
vide a sophisticated and correct analysis. 
It was an important test for us, and we 
delivered the goods. 

PLAYBOY: Some observers disagree. For 
one thing, you had freelance political ad- 
visor John Ellis heading your election 
night “decision desk,” but Ellis is a first 
cousin to George W. Bush. In addition, 
you were criticized—by no less than Dan 
Rather—for reporting the initial certifica- 
tion of Bush’s victory without skepticism. 
HUME: Rather was flat wrong. In his re- 
port, he called it “the believed certifica- 
tion.” I'm sorry, but it was not a believed 
certification. It was the actual certifica 
tion of the election, like it or not. It had 
legal standing and was official. 
PLAYBOY: But it was contested. 

HUME: Which we reported. However, 
[Florida Secretary of State] Katherine 
Harris was not doing this just as she per- 
ceived it. She was acting pursuant to a 
court order. It was not her opinion. It 
was an official act. Rather was wrong. He 
that it was humorous. He's 
good, but he was wrong, 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree that it was im- 
proper to have Ellis, who was reportedly 
on the phone to various Bushes through- 
out election night, working on your tea 
HUME: 1 have known Ellis for along time. 
He's brilliant, and, in spite of his rela- 
tionship to Bush, he's utterly dispassion- 
ate, serious and professional. When the 


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exit polls showed that Bush was losing 
his lead, I ran into Ellis and asked for his 
sense of things. He drew a finger across 
his throat—a dagger. He was prepared 
for things to go the other way. Did it look 
good that we had a Bush cousin? Maybe 
not, but I think the criticism was a cheap 
shot. Ellis did and does a good job 
PLAYBOY: Do you agree that there is a 
viewpoint you're pushing? 

HUME: Yes, there is a viewpoint. 

PLAYBOY: It is Rupert Murdoch's? 

HUME: Rupert lets his publications be 
what they need to be. Out of his gigantic 
ing facility in London comes the 
5 as racy a tabloid as you can 
find, and the Times of London, which is as 
sedate a publication as there is in the 
UK. They are pitched to different audi- 
ences, and Rupert knows the difference 
and wants them to be what they need to 
be. It's no different here. 

PLAYBOY: Nonetheless, is it fair to say that 
Fox News reflects its owner's conser- 
vative view, just as CNN reflects a liber- 
al view? 

HUME: You could look at it that way, but 
it would be a crude and oversimplified 
judgment. We believe that the main- 
stream media, by and large, tilts left. I 
don't believe there are a lot of individual 
reporters and producers and anchors 
running around with commitments to a 
political agenda. That's not the issue. 
Nobody is out there trying to conscious- 
ly help one political party over another. 
But Гуе found in my long years working 
with various news organizations that 
there are viewpoints so universally held 
that they seem almost imperceptible. 
Everybody holds them to the point that 
they feel like neutrality. Consider how 
difficult it is to find reporters who are 
deeply skeptical of environmentalists, 
for example. Who are pro-life. Who are 
likely to have voted Republican in any 
recent election. Journalists are not nec- 
essarily crusading, but their viewpoints 
are in danger of affecting their work. I 
genuinely believe that most reporters 
are pure of heart and don't intend to 
cover a story with a slant in any direc- 
tion. However, fairness is not an atti- 
tude—it isa skill that must be developed, 
nourished and worked at all the time. 
PLAYBOY: If your views are the opposite 
of most liberal reporters, however, per- 
haps your sins are similar. In other 
words, do you agree that Fox" coverage 
slants to the right? 

HUME: Pushing a party line would be our 
death. We want our coverage to be com- 
pelling and we want it to be fair. 1 work 
hard at being certain that we tell both 
sides of every story. 

PLAYBOY: Did the press go too far when it 
covered Clinton and Lewinsky? 

HUME: Clinton was impeached! Thats a 
story, wouldn't you agree? 

PLAYBOY: Many Americans maintain that 
the scandal was largely about the presi- 
dent's private life. How do you decide 


what is fair game? 

HUME: When I was working for Jack An- 
derson, I did a story about Randy Ag- 
new, who was Vice President Agnew's 
son. He had broken up with his wife and 
was living with a male hairdresser. Was 
it a story? Is someone a public figure 
by extension? Randy Agnew had done 
nothing to cross the threshold into pub- 
lic life. He was not prominent in his fa- 
ther's campaigns. He wasn't crusading 
on public issues by virtue of celebrity. He 
was only famous because his father was 
the vice president of the United States. 
Was that reason enough to look at his 
private life? 1 argued no, but the story 
ran, and I felt badly about it then and 1 
feel badly about it to this day. It pains me 
to talk about it. It was just a juicy story 
about some guy's private life that should 
have been left alone. Later on, however, 
1 did a story about Al Capp, the cartoon- 
ist who created Lil Abner. Capp had a 
spot on NBC's Monitor, a radio show on 
which he delivered right-wing commen- 
taries. He was extremely critical of col- 
lege protests against the Vietnam war. 
He referred to college professors as Fa- 
gins who preyed on their students. He 
was also a prominent figure on the lec- 
ture circuit at colleges. We found out 
that he had sexually assaulted several 
women during a visit to a university back 
in the carly Seventies. We pinned down 
the story by getting affidavits from a cou- 
ple ofthe women. We did the story when 
a lot of newspapers killed it. I thought 
the story was legitimate and still think so 
today. Capp was lecturing the nation, 
pontificating about the behavior of col- 
lege professors, while using his access to 
students on campuses to prey on them 
sexually. It was a slam dunk. The hypoc- 
risy was there. The story addressed his 
‘ations to speak on these issues. 
ing the two stories, I decided that 
the rule was that people were not fair 
game just because they were public fig- 
ures by extension, unless they stepped 
over the line and entered the fray. In the 
case of Clinton, there was no question. 
He was a public figure, and not one by 
extension, and his behavior was rele- 
vant, including his lies. 

PLAYBOY: Are the children of presidents 
fair game? 

HUME: Chelsea Clinton never entered the 
fray. In my view, the media's restraint re- 
garding her was absolutely right 
PLAYBOY: How about the Bush kids? 
HUME: That's a trickier question. If you get 
in trouble with the cops and your father 
is president, you cannot expect privacy. 
On Fox, we have told the story, but we've 
never gone far with it. We can't ignore 
it. At the same time, when I think about 
my own behavior at that age, it seems 
ho-hum that the Bush children have 
been drinking in bars while in college. 
PLAYBOY: If Chandra Levy weren't miss- 
ing, would Gary Condir's extramarital- 
relationship with an intern have been a 


big story? 

HUME: Probably not. The intern factor 
was irresistible, though. I mean, don't 
they ever learn? In addition, Condit 
was critical of Clinton in terms of disclo- 
sure. His reluctance to discuss the case 
seemed hypocritical. Worse, when peo- 
ple in his office tried to get witnesses to 


I was a terrible student. In fact, I was 
pretty much a ne'er-do-well. I went to 
good schools, which was a result of sacri- 
fice on the part of my parents, but after 
the eighth grade 1 didn't do well. I had 
lousy grades in high school and barcly 
got into and out of college. Success was 
not widely predicted for me. My high 


to my first newsroom. It was fabulous, a 
cacophonous place—whereas now there 
is relative quiet in most newsrooms be- 
cause everybody is staring at their com- 
puter screens. When I walked into my 
first newspaper office in Hartford, how- 
ever, | just loved the energy, the irrever- 
ence, the noise and the sense of urgency. 
PLAYBOY: Your first 


lie—to file false affi- 
davits—that crossed 
the line. He was in- 
volved in behavior 
that was manifestly 
improper by trying 
to get people to lie 
in the middle of an 
investigation. 
PLAYBOY: When re- 
porters wrote about 
the suicide of your 
son, Sandy, do you 
feel they crossed 
the line? 

HUME: It was fine. 
No line was crossed. 
My son was a jour- 
nalist in his own 
right. He had 
worked on some 
fairly major stories. 
He was a public fig- 
ure. I can't say that 
there shouldn't 
have been some in- 
quiry into what 
happened. 
PLAYBOY: Did the 
experience change 
at all your view 
of how the press 
should cover per- 
sonal tragedies? 
HUME: It affected 
me powerfully in | 
other ways, but I Ё 
don't know that it 
had much effect on 
me as a journalist. 
It awakened me to 


Unwrap 


Uncap it. 


big story as a jour- 
nalist was about 
the mine workers" 
union. How did it 
come about? 

: I got a fel- 
lowship at the 
Washington Jour- 
nalism Center, as 
it was then called, 
and got hooked up 
with Ralph Nader. 1 
told him I had time 
to work on some- 
thing and asked if 
he had anything. 
He said he did: 
“Tve got just the 
subject for vou. and 
you're going to 


it. 


= write a book about 


it." E thought to 
myself, Yeah, and 
pigs can fly. He was 
looking into the 
terrible situation in 
the coal mines—the 
rates of accidents 
and injury and 
death. He said, 
“Where is the mine 
workers’ union 
He had found the 
union to be feck- 
less, passive, inept 
and weird. Sol 
went at it. [t was 
like turning over 
a rock. 

PLAYBOY: How did 


some of the issues 
about faith—large 
enough questions 
that they affect 
everything. 

PLAYBOY: Do you 
look at the personal 
tragedies of public 


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you switch from 
print to television? 

HUME: ABC News 
had been a frail al- 
so-ran in terms of 
its news ratings and 
prestige, and it was 
trying to do some- 


figures differently, 
though? 

HUME: I don't think 
so. It was a very per- 
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said more to you 
now than I've ever said about it, and I 
don't really care to go into it further. I 
don't think it affected my journalism in 
any direct way. My opinions about jour- 
nalistic ethics have evolved over the en- 
tire course of my work as a journalist. 
PLAYBOY: Did you always want to be a 
journalist? 

HUME: | had no idea what | wanted to be. 


school English teacher told my parents it 
was a virtual certainty I would flunk out 
of college. I didn't, but it was close. My 
greatest fortune came when 1 was out of 
college and needed to get a job and got 
one at a newspaper. It was a stroke of 
luck, because 1 never d about news- 

pers or paid much attention 10 the 
news. It all changed when I walked in- 


ia. Because of my book about the union, 
ABC asked me to act as a consultant. In 
1976, the network asked me to try it as 
a correspondent. As a shoe-leather re- 
porter, I thought the correspondents 
seemed kind of silly. They wore make- 
up and spoke to an inanimate object. It 
wasn't really reporting, tomy mind. There 
was a general feeling of superiority 


67 


PLAYBOY 


among print reporters. 
PLAYBOY: Is there still? 

HUME: Most of that is gone. TV news be- 
came very serious. The power of televi- 
sion became apparent. In addition, of 
course, it's a source of celebrity; journal- 
е being on TV. Even print jour- 
nalists like to be on TV whenever they 
are asked. 

PLAYBOY: When you got the job of White 
House correspondent, you were follow- 
ing in the footsteps of Sam Donaldson. 
Were you nervous? 

HUME: I was. In those days Sam was fa- 
mous for his boldness at press confer- 
ences and his questions shouted to can- 
didates and presidents who may not 
have wanted to hear them. Sam was and 
is a superb television craftsman, and his 
work at the White House and his under- 
standing of how to marry the raw mate- 
rials of television to a good story is un- 
matched. On the other hand, | felt like I 
was well prepared after 11 years on the 
Hill with time out for covering national 
political campaigns. I didn't feel like 1 
was ata disadvantage, though it was a 
tall order to fill those shoes. 

PLAYBOY: Who picked out your White 
House correspondent's overcoat? 

HUME: I got my own. For years, I used 
this taupe overcoat. It worked better 
than trench coats, which I tried, too. You 
have to be careful about dark coats at 
night, because it looks like your head is 
hanging in the sky. Also, you don't want 
to look like the Man From Glad with a 
white raincoat. 

PLAYBOY: After all the jokes about anchor- 
men's hair, how much attention do you 
give yours? 

HUME: The thing you worry about in 
television is that something about your 
appearance will be so striking that it will 
distract from what you're saying. You 
want to be attractive, but you don't want 
to call all that much attention to the way 
you look or what you're wearing. You 
know how you can tell when a print jour- 
nalist has finally made the transition 
from print to broadcasting? He stops 
making jokes about makeup and starts 
wearing IL. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have to be careful about 
changing your hairstyle? 

HUME: Dan Rather changed his hair, and 
there is no end of to-do about it. М 
Ted Koppel and Sam Donaldson, there's 
always the thing about whether it's a wig 
Em surprised when people write to me 
to say they either like the way 1 dress or 
hate it and then tell me I don't know how 
to dress. I've been dressing the same 
fuddy-duddy old-fashioned way since 1 
was young. 

PLAYBOY: What made you decide to go to 
Fox after 23 years with ABC? 

HUME: | had been approached by Fox 
once or twice. It got so far as dinner one 
time when they were going to start a 
news division. It wasn't the right time be- 


68 cause of my contract, and it wasn't the 


right offer. But I was interested, because 
unlike a lot of my colleagues, I didn't 
think Rupert Murdoch was the anti- 
Christ. I had met him and found him 
unassuming—courteous, easygoing and 
genial. I liked him a lot. Even before 
NBC announced it was going into part- 
nership with Microsoft, ABC News an- 
nounced it was going to start a 24-hour 
competitor to CNN. [ABC's parent com- 
pany] Disney had given the go-ahead 
but then backed down. Meantime, here 
comes Rupert Murdoch, who has no 
news division of any consequence to 
build on, and yet he's going forward. My 
contract was up at the end of the year. I 
thought, Who do you want to work for? 
Do you want to work fora company that 
has a head start and walks to the edge 
and then backs away, or somebody who's 
lling to take a gamble? The answer to 
that is obvious. By the time 1996 rolled 
around, 1 had read that Rupert had 
named Roger Ailes to start a 24-hour 
news channel. 1 knew Roger from poli- 
tics. I knew that he shot straight and that 
no one should ever underestimate him. 
Rupert had tried various ways to start 
a news division but had failed, and I 
thought, This will not fail. 

PLAYBOY: Your wife, Kim, was working at 
Fox. Were you reluctant to work in the 
same office? 

HUME: No, but I was reluctant to see how 
it would be perceived. I was concerned 
that people would think this was just a 
mom-and-pop operation. I'm sure there 
are people who thought it was nepotism, 
but I can't help that. I don't think the 
people who work here think so. 

PLAYBOY: Would you try to argue that Bill 
Fox’ biggest name, is fair and 


^s views. That's legiti- 
mate. We're not saying that he's bri 
ing you the evening news. O'Reilly does 
a good job. 1 like and admire him. I ad- 
mire the way his show is run. 
PLAYBOY: Would you want to be a guest 
with whom he ees? 
HUME: [ know I'd get my say, and I know 
1 might be interrupted. Still, Bill is pret- 
ty fair. He's opinionated, but it's his 
show, after all. 
PLAYBOY: In general, do you approve of 
the political talk shows that seem more 
like shouting matches? 
HUME: 1 don't particularly like to watch 
them when you can't hear what every- 
is saying. On the other hand, they 
vely. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think they change peo- 
ple's minds? 
HUME: Maybe. You get to hear the basic 
case for each side of an issue, if the shows 
are done well. 
PLAYBOY: Who are your favorites among 
the mainstream anchors? 
HUME: Tim Russert does a good job. Pe- 
ter Jennings is still the best at breaking a 
story. 1 don't know that anybody has ever 


done it as well. At the height of his pow- 
er, Cronkite wasn't as good as Peter is now. 
PLAYBOY: How has Fox News Channel and 
CNN changed their jobs and the jobs of 
other newscasters? 

HUME: We are making their shows in- 
creasingly irrelevant, Network news is 
going to be with us awhile—it still com- 
mands a large audience—but it's not the 
same as it used to be. To some extent, 
network news is being supported by lo- 
cal news. The networks come along with 
a half hour of world news after the local 
news and get a lot of piggyback audi- 
ence. Meanwhile, the news junkies have 
come to cable. 

PLAYBOY: What's your view of the father 
of cable news, Ted Turner? 

HUME: He is a hero. He had an idea that 
nobody else was willing to bet on. He 
created CNN out of sheer will. He's a 
colorful, eccentric, brilliant guy. 
PLAYBOY: What's in store in the contest 
among the 24-hour news channels? 
HUME: It's down to us and CNN 
PLAYBOY: Are you dismissing MSNBC? 
HUME: They re likely to have success, but 
they're going in another direction. They 
won't admit it, but they are really a part 
time news channel. They are magazine- 
show oriented. I think they're compet- 
ing with somebody—maybe the History 
Channel or even E—but not with us or 
CNN. It's a two-horse race. 

PLAYBOY: What are going to be the defin- 
ing factors in the two-horse race? 

HUME: One thing is how quickly we can 
expand and get more reach. Another is 
how able we are to respond to breaking 
news. CNN has an enormous array of. 
affiliates that supply them. We have a 
smaller number. CNN is trying to enliv- 
en its schedule and upgrade its people, 
but 1 don’t know how quickly they'll be 
able to do it. They have more reach, but 
that is changing. Meanwhile, I like our 
correspondents and anchors better. I'm 
biased. of course, and CNN is a big and 
successful organization, and it's not to be 
underestimated. But during the World 
Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, we 
showed how well we can cover an event 
of world importance. Our coverage will 
improve, too. We already were set up 
in the Middle East, and we quickly in- 
creased our presence there. 

PLAYBOY: When you made the decision to 
u compared it to being with 
ces and going to an expansion 
team. How do you feel about it now? 
HUME: I came here and we had no news 
organization. Now I feel personally in- 
vested in this place, The key players are 
Rupert, who had the nerve, and Roger, 
who had the skills, to do what was need- 
ed to build this. I play a supporting role. 
I'm along for the ride, bur I'm putting 
everything into the game. 1 want Special 
Report to succeed, and 1 want Fox News 
Channel to win. Will we? Stay tuned. 


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70 


The 


“follow the money” 
is the battle cry in the 


21st century’s first war 


Terrorist 


article By Jeffrey Robinson 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIAN REA 


UESDAY. December 14, 1999: As 
the ferry from Victoria, Brit- 
ish Columbia pulled into the 
| Black Ball Terminal at Port 

Angeles, Washington, the small 

group of U.S. Customs offi- 
cers prepared to wave through the usu- 
al assortment of Canadians heading 
south and Americans coming home 
Then, one of the officers spotted a 
young man driving a rented Chrysler 
with Canadian plates and decided to 
look more closely. In the Chrysler's 
trunk were timing devices, a substance 
used to make military-grade C-4 explo- 
sives and a nitroglycerine equivalent in 
two glass jars. 

Searching the driver, Customs offi- 
cers found cash, false IDs and the busi- 
ness card of someone in England. The 
suspect wouldn't give his real name, so 
they fingerprinted him. Within hours, 
the prints linked the man, Ahmed Res- 
sam, a 31-year-old Algerian, to a ter- 
rorist “sleeper” cell in Montreal. 

Cops descended on Ressam's pals in 
Vancouver, Montreal, New York and 
London, who, along with Ressam, were 
all graduates of an Osama bin Laden 
training camp in Afghanistan. The tim- 
ing device found in the car was identi- 
cal to gear used by Bin Laden-trained 
terrorists in previous attacks. And the 
man in England turned out to be a liai- 
son for Bin Laden, linking various ter- 
rorist cells around the world. 

Their mission was to blow up Los An- 
geles International Airport, as close to 
the millennium celebrations as possible 

The Canadian connection raised eye- 
brows in Washington because the U.S. 
and Canada share the longest unpro- 
tected border in the world. The Cana- 
dian Security Intelligence Service even- 
tually had to make the embarrassing 
admission that they had already iden- 


tified some 50 terrorist groups in the 
country—comprising 350 people—and 
that Canada had become a sieve for 
terrorists. 

It had also become home to more 
criminals, because the members of the 
Montreal cell had to earn a living while 
waiting to blow up the LA airport. 
They had run credit card fraud, coun- 
terfeited checks, sold stolen IDs, forged 
documents and broken into cars to 
steal computers and cell phones. Odd- 
ly, the crime they didn't commit was 
selling drugs. Or maybe they had and 
no one ever found out. What money 
they accumulated in excess of their liv- 
ing expenses was sent through an es- 
tablished network to finance terrorist 
cells in France, Belgium, Italy, Turkey, 
Australia and Bosnia. 

The salient point is: Here were ter- 
rorists working as criminals, which is 
what terrorists usually do, because, in 
the end, the only difference between a 
terrorist and a criminal is that one 
thieves for politics, the other thieves 
for profit. 

But the perpetrators of the World 
‘Trade Center atrocity appear to have 
been so well funded that they did not 
need to support themselves with crime. 
Indeed, it appears that the murder- 
ers benefited from an efficient money- 
moving system that paid for everything 
from lodging to flight training to pur- 
chasing airline tickets. 

Two weeks after the attack, President 
Bush announced that the government 
was going after the financial assets of 
27 organizations and individuals in 
the U.S. who might have been part of 
the terrorists’ financial support system. 
That system undoubtedly stretches 
around the world, from financial cap- 
itals such as New York, London and 
Vienna, to unlikely places like Albania 


Secret high-tech globe-girdling 
financial networks (clong with 
strippers and the odd Russian 
surplus submarine) help keep 
cove-dwelling terrorists and 
international criminals in busi- 
ness—and hard to find. 


and the Sudan. In sub- 
sequent weeks, U.S. of- 
ficials broadened their 
investigations and be- 
gan seizing more ac- 
counts. Osama bin Laden mocked the 
American efforts. In an interview with 
Ummat, a sympathetic newspaper in Pa- 
kistan, he boasted that his organiza- 
tion, Al Qaeda, “has three alternate fi- 
nancial systems, which are separate 
and independent, being run by hun- 
dreds and thousands of highly educat- 
ed youth around the world. And if the 
whole world, including the U.S., tries 
to remove them, they won't succeed.” 
The landscape in which money moves 
is one of the most important battlefields, 
in the first war of the 21st century. 


The final decade of the 20th centu- 
ry saw the greatest leap in technology 
since man invented the wheel. Satel- 
lites, faxes, cell phones, the Internet 
and e-mail have reduced the planet to 
the size of a computer screen. At the 
same time, radical changes in trans- 
portation and communication have 
minished governments’ controls over 
the movement of goods, services, peo- 
ple and ideas. Borders, which once de- 
fined nations and national authority, 
have begun to evaporate. 

Along with the confusion created by 
the global flood of goods, services, peo- 
ple and ideas has come a new kind of 
money; it's called megabyte bucks, elec- 
tronic blips on computer screens that 
are not tethered to central banks or 
geography. 

In 1993, when terrorists first at- 
tacked the World Trade Center, it was 
estimated that $100 billion to $300 
billion in dirty money was circulating 
the world. Call that, if you will, the 
turnover of transnational organized 
crime. By September 2001, that figure 
was estimated at more than $500 bil- 
lion. It includes money from drug 
trafficking and extortion, prostitution 
and alien smuggling, as well as frauds 
and counterfeiting. The figure also in- 
dudes global terrorist money. 

Until September 11, most politicians 
considered terrorism something that 
happened outside the U.S., and regard- 
ed organized crime as a local matter. 
The reasons are obvious: The politi- 
cians themselves couldn't do much 
about global terrorists except sit on com- 
mittees, issue reports and point fingers. 
By insisting that crime was a local issue, 
they could get reelected. 

But when tainted money grows from 
$100 billion to more than $500 billion 
in so shorta period of time, it sounds as 
if politicians don't know what they're 
talking about. 

And until September 11, they dearly 


didn't. Look at the way they've dealt 
with money laundering. That's the 
process by which criminal groups, i 
duding global terrorists, move thei 
gotten gains through shell companies 
and across borders—jurisdiction stops 
at borders—and run them in and out 
of secret bank accounts, bringing the 
loot out the other end looking as if it 
has been legally obtained. 

The trick is to obliterate the paper 
trail, so that even if the authorities try 
to find it, they can't. Making life espe- 
cially easy for the bad guys are more 
than 50 jurisdictions around the world 
with banking secrecy as strict as, if not 
stricter than, Switzerland’: 

The U.S. has the most stringent mo- 
ney laundering laws in the world. In 
the States, all cash transactions over 
$10,000 must be reported. That infor- 
mation is then fed into computers run 
by the Financial Crimes Enforcement 


The Italian mafia took 


payment in guns, 
rocket launchers and 
uranium rods, which 
they offered to sell to 
any group with enough 
cash to buy them. 


Network in Virginia, where analysts 
watch who's moving how much where. 
It is certain that within hours of the 
World Trade Center attack, the Fincen 
computers were searching out mon- 
ey movements that could point to the 
terrorists. 

But even with rigorous money laun- 
dering laws, the bad guys are still able 
to stash away huge amounts because of 
loopholes in the laws. Simply put, most 
money laundering laws dictate that 
bankers ask only who is opening the 
account. No one is required to know 
who the “beneficial owner,” or ulti- 
mate source, of the money is. 
That's how lawyers, bankers, ac- 
countants, brokers and com- 
pany formation agents all 
over the world have wound 
up doing the bidding of 
transnational organized crim- 
inals and global terrorists. Ei- 
ther they don't want to know 
who the beneficial owner of 
the money is, or they don't 
know enough to ask. Pablo Es- 


cobar was one beneficial owner. Osama 
bin Laden is another. Both of them 
have enjoyed the protection of “plausi- 
ble deniability.” 

Granted, many lawyers, bankers and 
accountants in the U.S. today would 
not agree to do business with a global 
terrorist with a suitcase full of cash. But 
these same lawyers, bankers and ac- 
countants don’t usually ask too many 
questions when the client in front of 
them is a suitcase-toting lawyer, banker 
or accountant. 

If you earn your living doing busi- 
ness with money, and a professional 
client with all the right letters of intro- 
duction walks in, you don't push too 
hard. Someone else will gladly take the 
money. Never mind that the client rep- 
resents an attorney in Liechtenstein 
who represents a company in the Ba- 
hamas with goods stored in Panama 
that must be moved to a shell compa- 
ny in Antigua that is represented by a 
lawyer in Hong Kong who has line of 
credit in the Cayman Islands. 

By adding enough lawyers, bankers 
and accountants to the equation, the 
respectable professional at the end of 
the money laundering cycle can plausi- 
bly deny that his client is a drug traf- 
ficker or a terrorist. 

The bad guys know that. They orga- 
nize their affairs to obscure the bene- 
ficial owner of the money. They have 
the best lawyers, accountants and finan- 
cial advisors giving them access to the 
wealth-creating machines of the major 
financial markets. 

Criminals and terrorists move mon- 
ey the same way corporations do. But 
until recently, it never dawned on most 
politicians that the best way to beat any 
corporation—or terrorist network—is 
to bankrupt it. 


Financial sleuths on the front lines of 
our new war would do well to under- 
stand the history of global crime and 
its connection with global terrorists. 
Nine years ago, when I began research- 
ing my book The Laundrymen, 1 was 


PLAYBOY 


74 


flabbergasted at how much dirty mon- 
ey was moving through the financial 
systems of the world. Money launder- 
ing was then, and today remains, the 
world’s third largest business, after 
petroleum and foreign exchange, ac- 
counting for around two percent of the 
world’s gross domestic product. A few 
years later, when I started researching 
the book's sequel—The Merger: The 
Conglomeration of International Organized 
Crime—1 learned another disturbing 
truth from my law enforcement sourc- 
es around the world. Joint ventures 
and strategic alliances have made crim- 
inal enterprises such as the Colombian 
cartels and terrorist networks such as 
Al Qaeda the most powerful special in- 
terest groups on the planet. 

During the Seventies, Colombian 
cocaine dealers colonized Miami and, 
with their glass-fronted skyscrapers, 
condos and banks. transformed the 
place into the financial capital of Latin 
America. Soon they began doing busi- 
ness with the Italian Mob, which had 
been there since before World War II. 

The Colombians wanted to open up 
new markets, so they shipped coke to 
Italy. The Italians paid for it with her- 
oin, which the Colombians moved on 
to the Mexican drug cartels, who were 
already smuggling their cocaine into 
the U.S. The Italians, looking to move 
their coke through eastern Europe, 
turned to Moscow. 

When the Soviet Union disintegrat- 
ed, the Russian mafia was eager 10 get 
into the business. The Italians offered 
to provide them with coke. But the Rus- 
sians had no money to speak of. and 
the best they could do was barter. The 
Italians asked, “What have you got?” 
The Russians answered, “Military sur- 
plus weapons and fissile materials 

So the Italian mafia supplied coke to 
the Russians and took payment in guns, 
rocket launchers, ammunition and ura- 
nium rods, which they then offered to 
any group with enough cash to buy the 
stuff—such as global terrorists. 

Before long, those same terrorists 
were short-circuiting the systems by 
doing their own drugs-for-arms deals. 
As that market grew, so did the Rus- 
sians' ambitions to move more weap- 
ons. In New York, for example, a band 
of Greek criminals showed up with 
tons of radioactive zirconium for s: 
A critical ingredient in nuclear reac 
tors, it had been smuggled to the West 
by a Russian organized crime group 
who used the Greeks as their agents 
They also had plutonium and enriched 
uranium to sell. 

Business was booming and everyone 
was making money. And all this time, 
the cops in the U.S, were busy fighting 
the war on drugs by arresting kids on 
street corners. 


These mergers among a veritable 
UN of new and traditional criminals 
organi- 
zations garnered extraordinary power. 

Consider the case of Ludwig Fain- 
berg, a.k.a. Tarzan, an iron-pumping 
hustler born in Russia in 1958 who be- 
fore coming to the States in the ear- 
ly Eighties had trained as a dentist. He 
bounced around Brooklyn's Brighton 
Beach for several years, working in fur- 
niture and video stores. Then he head- 
ed to Floi where he ran a discount 
dothing business. By 1991 he'd ripped 
off enough of that business to buy a 
strip club. 

Porky’s, behind Miami International 
Airport, quickly earned a reputation 
for being sleazy even by Florida strip- 
club standards. Adding to the allure of 
the place was Fainberg himself. He was 
pumped up with steroids, sported a 
goatee and a blond ponytail, and his 
business card had a caricature of him 
as Atlas. He knew plenty of Russians 
in Brooklyn who vacationed in south 
Florida, and by knowing which visiting 
Russians to hook up with his strij 
Tarzan became а player in Miami. 

"Porky's was the place for Russians to 
meet in Miami," said former FBI spe- 
cial agent Bob Levinson. “Tarzan hired 
Russian girls, and when the big spend- 
ers were in town, he'd make sure they 
never went back to their hotel suites 
alone. He ingratiated himself with the 
Mob guys. But he didn’t just supply 
girls. he offered the men whatever they 
needed. He had people around him 
carrying guns, people who weren't 
afraid to take on anybody. so when the 
Russians needed muscle, Tarzan sup- 
plied it. When they needed hotels, cars 
or bank accounts, he helped them out. 
In turn, they became indebted to him.” 

While Tarzan was building a power 
base with the Russians, Latino traffickers 
started frequenting Рог! Over time, 
they began mixing with the Russians 

Porky's was where the Russian-Co- 
lombian connection was born. 

Two Cubans with Colombian con- 
nections whom Tarzan had befriended 
helped him arrange small shipments 
of cocaine (hidden in frozen shrimp) 
from Ecuador to Russia. When they in 
formed him that the Colombians were 
always looking for weapons, Tarzan got 
into the arms business as a middleman, 
brokering drugs for guns. 

Over time, Levinson explained, the 
Colombians grew more interested in 
Russian military surplus. So Tarzan and 
his amigos began supplying surplus 
equipment, from Kalashnikovs to Rus- 
sian helicopters. Then he cooked up a 
plot to sell the Colombians the ultimate 
dope-smuggling device—a Russian- 


made Tango-class diesel submarine. The 
Colombians were interested enough to 
send larzan from Florida to Russia to 
look for a sub for sale. To everyone's 
surprise, he found one, complete with 
an admiral to command it and an 
18-man crew. The price to Tarzan was 
$5.5 million. The Colombians deposit- 
ed $35 million in a Swiss bank account, 
which Tarzan figured was enough to 
cover his expenses and retirement. 

As it happened, the FBI and the DEA 
stopped the deal, having been tipped 
off by a Russian-speaking agent who 
had infiltrated Tarzan's organization. It 
was a good example of law enforce- 
ment using human intelligence to gath- 
er information the old-fashioned way. 

‘Tarzan is now in a witness protection 
program, and everyone else involved is 
either in jail or is a fugitive outside the 
U.S. But their submarine venture sug- 
gests the enormous ambitions of the 
global networks of criminals and ter- 
rorists. Here, too, the bad guys took 
a lesson from global business, where 
no deal is dead forever. In September 
2000, the Colombian national police 
broke into a warehouse west of Bogo- 
tá—and hundreds of miles from the 
sea—and discovered a steel-hulled sub- 
marine being built by Russian engineers. 

In global business, that's the sort of 
project that is called a "technology 
transfer." The same approach could be 
used to deliver expertise in weapons of 
mass destruction to terrorists' arsenals. 


Financial sleuths have plenty of con- 
nections to examine these days. 

Russian gangsters, for example, reg- 
ularly huddle with Colombians in the 
islands of the Caribbean. Aruba, St. 
cent and Antigua are the usual venues, 
but the Dutch section of St. Martin has 
become popular in recent years. Rus- 
sian mobsters and Colombian traffickers 
sail together on cruise ships out of those 
ports. Italians and Russians also get to- 
gether in the islands. As a result of sev- 
eral such meetings, four Italian crime 
families and their Russian friends in- 
filtrated two dozen brokerage houses 
along Wall Street. 

Are there links between terrorists 
hiding in caves in Afghanistan and or- 
ing in dealing 
from Ground Zero 
in New York? Did one of those groups 
short airline and insurance shares with 
insider knowledge just before the at- 
tack on the World Trade Center? After 
all, globalization is all about joint ven- 
tures and strategic alliances. 


The Italians and the Russians are es- 
pecially adept at cooking up Various 
(continued to page 188) 


“Charlie and I gave each other my breast implants.” 


>= 
| = 


hyna was a great fantasy: The dominatrix with the 
Amazon body appealed to men and women alike. 
But Joanie Laurer, who played Chyna for six years, knew 
when it was time to retire her. “I don't know one woman out 
there who doesn’t want to feel strong and beautiful, dress 
up in fun costumes and tell somebody to go take a hike. I 
brought that character to life because I wanted to live vi- 
cariously through Chyna, too. But the fact of the matter is 
that it was fake, just a character on TV.” 
Since her first appearance in pLayBoy’s November 2000 


she's tough, she's buff, she's not taking prisoners 


issue, Joanie has left wrestling to pursue other acting roles. 
She has seen her tell-all autobiography become a best-sell- 
er, broken up with her longtime boyfriend, starred in a 
play in Canada, moved to California, created her own web- 
site (bodybyjoanie.com) and is now in negotiations fora TV 
series. And she’s never felt stronger nor happier. 

“I had become a role model because of the physical as- 
pects of Chyna,” she says. “But when Joanie emerged in 
my book, showing I was a person who'd had a series of 
struggles in her life and come out on top, people started to 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


fy 


КАС 


> [44 №’ 


€ 


s AN em 


relate to me on a different 
level. It wasn’t until that time 
that I really began to appreci- 
ate who I am.” 

Joanie says men aren't 
nearly as intimidated by her 
as they used to be. She recalls 
that when she first started 
wrestling, there weren't many 
strong women on TV or in 
print, “unless it was of a 
freakish nature. So while peo- 
ple used to treat me really 
mean, now I don’t believe I’ve 
had one negative comment 
in the past year. I have more 
guys coming up to me, and 


more dates than I can shake a 
stick at. I love it!” 

Joanie's new passion is act- 
ing. “I love comedy,” she 
says. “People have no idea 
what a goofball I am.” Still, 
she realizes that “it would be 
a shame not to play on my 
physicality. I’m a given for a 
superhero. My role models 
growing up were Wonder 
Woman and the Bionic Wom- 
an. Now it’s time to put some 
substance behind the boobs.” 


STYLING BY LANEW. 
HAIR BY BERTRAND W. FDR CLOUTIER 
MAKEUP BY ALEXIS VOGEL 


Y кмга ;PLAYBOY.COM. 


86 


THE 


-— 


J 


on 


FICTION BY ROBERT COOVER 


when no one can See you 
it works quite nicely to be a crime 
fighter—or a criminal 


Em up his life as a crime 


fighter—it was too 
hard and no one cared 
enough—and became 
a voyeur, a thief, a bugaboo, a 
prowler and pickpocket, a manip- 
ulator of events. It was more fun, 
and people paid more attention to 
him. He began inhabiting horse 
tracks, women's locker rooms, ex- 
travagant festivities, bank vaults, 
public parks, schoolyards and cen- 
ters of power. He emptied tills, al- 
tered votes, made off with purses 
and address books, leaked secrets, 
started fights in subway cars and 
boardrooms, took any empty seat 
he wanted on planes and trains, 
blew on the necks of naked wom- 
en, moved pieces on gameboards 
and gambling tables, made strange 
noises in dark bedrooms, tripped 
up politicians and pop stars on- 
stage and whispered perverse temp- 
tations in the ears of the pious. 
Theft was particularly easy, ex- 
cept for the problem of what to do 
with what he took. To be invisible 
he had to be naked, and there 
were not many places on or in his 
body where he could hide things 


that themselves were not invisi- 
ble. And these places (notably, 
his mouth and his rectum, which 
served as his overnight bag, so to 
speak) were often filled with other 
necessities. So, except for small 
items from jewelry store heists that 
could be slipped in, he was gener- 
ally limited to what he could hold 
in his closed fists or squeeze under 
his armpits or between his but- 
tocks, his daily spoils comparable 
then to that of a common panhan- 
dler, from whom on bad days he 
also sometimes stole. Still, there 
was not much on which to spend 
his wealth; whatever he wanted 
he could simply take, and he could 
travel and live as and where he 
pleased, so he soon amassed a 
small fortune and, privy to all the 
inside information he needed, be- 
came a successful day trader on 
the side. 

Though drawn into a life of 
crime without remorse, and tempt- 
ed like anyone else to kill a few 
people while he was at it, he had 
no place to conceal a suitable 
weapon; indeed it would be dan- 
gerous if he tried, so his new ca- 
Teer was (continued on page 176) 


ILLUSTRATION BY GAHAN WILSON 


4 UU LZ FN 
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AOS SS UML // í 


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7) 
Y 


— —— A AA 


h, yes, chicks love 

champagne cock- 

tails. The fizz that 
tickles the nose. The fun that fol- 
lows. How can you miss when 
you combine two of the world’s 
sexiest delights—champagne 
and a cocktail? The classic ver- 
sion calls for bubbly, brandy, bit- 
ters and a cube of sugar, but on 
New Year's Eve there's no rea- 
son to stand on ceremony. A 
bellini Americana is what East- 
side West in San Francisco will 
pour on December 31. It's made 
with bubbly, bourbon and peach 
puree. At New York's Tonic, bar- 
tenders will be mixing El Cubano 
with mint, rum and bitters. Those 
recipes and others follow, in 
case you can't make it to a bar. 
Should you pour a great cham- 


pagne such as Perrier-Jouét 
or Roederer Cristal (one of the 
champagnes of choice at the 
Playboy Mansion) in a cocktail? 
Its New Year's Eve—live large. 
The drink will be all that much 
more memorable. See you at the 
parties. (cont'd оп page 166) 


By John Mariani 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO. 


to pop her cork new year's eve. fizz up a champagne cocktail 


O 


> Nothing 


TABLOID TSAR 


Even Before The Anthrax Attack At His Office, 
National Enquirer Editor Steve Coz Was Making News 


PLAYBOY PROFILE 
BY JOE DOLCE 


ditor of the National Enquir- 
er, Steve Coz was used to cov- 
ering the most scandalous, 


bizarre news imaginable. But covering 
weird news is one thing—being in the 
center of it is quite another. Coz found 
that out in October, when the Sun, one 
of the Enquirer's sister publications, was 
the target of an anthrax attack. One 
person was killed, one became serious- 
ly ill and five more tested positive for 
exposure. In an uneasy atmosphere of 
war and terrorism, the incidents that 
followed spooked the nation. Both pa- 
pers are owned by American Media, 
and Coz, who is now corporate edito- 
rial director, not only faced a barrage 
of media inquiries, but also had to fi 
a way to publish while his offices were 
shut down because of contamination. It 
was the strangest of many strange twists 
in Co’ career—and another unpredict- 
able moment in the evolution of the 
National Enquirer. 

The National Enquirer used to be the 
paper that you bought to read about 
aliens who had landed in acornfield or 
the birth of a two-headed baby. Some- 
where in the Eighties it became the 
bane of celebrities with its barrage of 
gossip, sometimes scabrous, occasion- 
ally even true. But no one could have 
seen the Enquirer's latest incarnation: 
the paper that breaks hard news and 
gets scoops that leave The New York 
Times and Washington Post playing catch- 
up. It began with saturation coverage 
of the O.J- Simpson case—coverage 
that was groundbreaking and accurate. 
Then came Monica and the president, 
Hugh Rodham and the pardons, Jesse 
Jackson and his love child. Now Amer- 


ica's favorite tabloid is branching out 
into international reporting. Two weeks 
after the World Trade Center attack, it 
ran a major piece on a Taliban defector 
from one of Osama bin Laden's Afghan 
training camps. Even The New York Times 
has grudgingly praised the paper for 
its “aggressiveness and accuracy,” and 
the man who gets the credit for this 
transformation is Steve Coz. The 44- 
year-old editor is a fascinating amal- 
gam: He's a mild-mannered working- 
class guy from Grafton, Massachusetts 
who went to a Benedictine prep school 
before attending Harvard. where he 
majored in English. He's also a pit bull 
reporter who trained at the foot of Gen- 
eroso Pope (the Enquirer's notorious 
founder), an ex-CIA officer who sent 
his staff sniffing through Henry Kissin- 
ger’s trash, instituted helicopter cover- 
age of celebrity weddings and drove 
circulation to a high of 6 million cop- 
ies per week in the Seventies. (The pa- 
per received so many letters from read- 
ers—more than a million a year—it was 
given its own zip code.) 

It was a pair of shoes that won Coz 
the job of editor of the National Enquir- 
er. After months of searching for a shot 
of O.]. wearing the famed Bruno Magli 
loafers, the Enquirer staff finally came 
up with the goods. But when the editor 
mysteriously decided not to run the 
picture, Coz was incensed. He stormed 
into the chief executive's office and 
made a case for the photograph, which 
turned out to be key in persuading the 
civil jury to find Simpson responsible 
for the deaths of Nicole Brown Simp 
son and Ron Goldman. A week alter he 
won the battle of the shoes, Coz also 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE BRODNER 


PLAYBOY 


92 


won the battle for the top. He was pro- 
moted from executive editor to editor 
and began his campaign to get the Na- 
tional Enquirer something that had elud- 
ed it for decades: respect. 

We talked to Coz several times—our 
final interview took place the day after 
he attended the funeral for Bob Ste- 
vens, the Sun photo editor who died 
from anthrax. Coz was working from 
the circulation building about five miles 
away, unable to access his e-mail and 
relying on his cell phone for contact 
with the outside world. 

PLAYBOY: What is е on the inside of 
these events? You've said you and your 
colleagues were the last to know. 

coz: First, we were told that Bob Ste- 
vens had encephalitis. Then, it was men- 
ingitis. Meanwhile, we're reading on 
CNN.com that it was anthrax. That's 
how we found out—on the Internet! 
"The local health department had told 
us not to worry. They were saying it 
was from a natural cause. So we came 
to work on Thursday and Friday. On 
Saturday there were 30 people work- 
ing in the building. On Sunday David 
Pecker [American Media's chairman 
and chief executive officer] was work- 
ingin the building when he got a call to 
get out. 

PLAYBOY: All of you could have been 
infected. 

COZ: There were kids in the building 
throughout that time. Anyway, on Mon- 
day they send about 400 of us into the 
parking lot of the local health depart- 
ment. We get there and there's a sign 
on the door that says CLOSED FOR COLUM- 
BUS bay. It was taking, on average, 20 
minutes per person to fill out forms 
and give blood samples, and we're ош- 
side in the blazing sun for hours. Peo- 
ple start fainting. We asked them to open 
the building next door so we could go 
in and sit down, and only after we re- 
fused to sign the papers allowing the 
FBI to search our offices did they do so. 
The Department of Health was a joke. 
But to be fair, they have never dealt 
with anything like this. They are over- 
whelmed. They should probably be 
distributing Valium with that Cipro. 
The FBI has been fantastic, though. 
They were precise, accurate, quick to 
respond and professional. I'll tell you 
something else. You know how Giuliani 
and Pataki were at the WTC that day? 
Jeb Bush still hasn't been to south 
Florida. He's sitting in his offic 
lahassee in northern Florida, 
statements urging people not to treat 
the employees of AMI the way the first 
people with AIDS were treated. This, 
while the feds have gone to great ex- 
tents to say that anthrax is not conta- 
gious. To equate this with AIDS is ridic- 
ulous. It's insane. It’s an insult. 
PLAYBOY: Why the Sun? 


coz: My theory is that Bob Stevens got 
an envelope, and because he's farsight- 
ed, he held it up to the light to see what 
was in it. We think that's how he in- 
haled so many spores. A few other peo- 
ple probably handled the envelope. 
PLAYBOY: Could this have been the work 
of some disgruntled Sun reader? 

coz: It's definitely some sort of bioter- 
rorism, but who or why is still the ques- 
tion. À Sun reader? No way. Bioterror- 
ism is a very complicated, sophisticated 
weapon to build and distribute. If Ted 
Kaczynski couldn't figure out how to 
do it—and he went to Harvard—I 
don't think a reader of the Sun could. 
Don't forget, Mohammed Atta was a 
few miles from here. He went into a lo- 
cal pharmacy because he had a red irri- 
tation on his hands. My feeling is that 
he may have been trying to bleach away 
some sort of contaminant. 

PLAYBOY: But why would they target 
AMI? 

coz: Look, the WTC was an obvious 
symbol of American capitalism. The 
Pentagon, the obvious symbol of Amer- 
ican defense. Imagine being a foreign- 
er who's only been here for 18 months 
or so, and in every supermarket or 
pharmacy you see the tabloids. They 
are everywhere. It's very possible you 
might think that this is the symbol of 
American freedom of expression. In a 
lot of ways itis. 

PLAYBOY: I'm sure you've noted the 
irony of the tables’ being turned, that 
for the first time you're the subject of 
the story rather than the reporter of it. 
coz: Being the subject of the media is 
nothing compared with people dying 
and being terrified. 

PLAYBOY: When the Twin Towers were 
hit, the National Enquirer broke form by 
featuring on its cover a shot of firemen 
raising the flag atop the rubble. What 
was the last world event the Enquirer 
had covered? 

coz: 1 believe it was the nuclear acci- 
dent at Three Mile Island in 1979. We 
didn't respond to the Gulf war. You 
know, the reason the tabloids have cov- 
ered celebrities so exhaustively in the 
past eight years is that people want to 
read about them. But tabloid readers 
are extremely patriotic. This was a di- 
rect attack on Americana. 

PLAYBOY: Americana? 

coz: Americana is the deeply engrained 
lifestyle that includes our national foi- 
bles—from county fairs to Aunt Sue's 
apple pie to the town mayor kissing a 
baby when he's running for office. 
rLAYBOY: You тап a story about a Tal- 
iban defector. It’s hard to imagine 
the National Enguirer having a Pakistan 
correspondent 

coz: We sent someone over to Pakistan 
to pound the streets the same way they 
do here. Apparently, the Taliban has 


stacks of guns, but their soldiers are 
starving. This soldier left camp because 
they chopped off his buddy's hand for 
stealing food. The buddy bled to death, 
then this guy threw himself into a crev- 
ice to injure himself. At that point they 
let him leave because he was no good 
to them injured. Apparently, there was 
open talk in the training camps that 
there was going to be a bloodbath in 
America at the end of summer. 
PLAYBOY: Do you pay sources there? 
coz: We haven't paid anyone in Paki- 
stan. We haven't had to. When you're 
there, the surprising thing is that Osa- 
ma keeps popping up all over the place. 
These people are talkative, and they 
will pose for pictures with machine 
guns. We could only photograph half 
of the defector's face because he was 
worried about retribution. 
PLAYBOY: That story is an example of 
a big change at the paper. What's the 
biggest difierence between today's En- 
quirer and the old scandal sheet? 
coz: Eight years ago the Enquirer was 
pushing the envelope to a tremendous 
degree. 
PLAYBOY: 
the facts? 
coz: Pushing the facts. It was a free-and- 
loose environment, and we'd do any- 
thing to get a sale. In the past five years 
we have focused on bringing out a 
news product that's as truthful as we 
can make it and that will sell in a tab- 
loid environment. 
PLAYBOY: But there are still credibili- 
ty issues. You'll have groundbreaking 
reporting on a major story, but when 
readers turn the page there's a psychic 
urging them to rub the Blue Dot to 
make wishes come true. 
[he Blue Dot is loved by our read- 
- It’s an interesting anachronism. 
id of it would be the equiv 
he New Yorker getting rid of its 
cartoon with the monocle. 
PLAYBOY: So what is the real purpose of 
the National Enquirer? 
coz: To sell papers. 
PLAYBOY: The New York Times called you 
the bible of the O.]. Simpson trial. You 
were out in front on Monica Lewinsky, 
and you broke the Jesse Jackson love- 
child story and the Hugh Rodham par- 
don scandal. Why, suddenly, is the pa- 
per going mainstream? 
Coz: It’s not that we're going main- 
stream; the mainstream has had to go 
entertainment. Do you watch the св 
аце Couric was on a tra 
during sweeps. We did not do Bill Clin- 
ton stories to go more mainstream, We 
did them because the public was inter- 
ested. It gets even more confusing when 
you consider something like the autop- 
sy photos of JonBenet Ramsey. We re- 
fused to run them—the cord is tied so 
(continued on page 191) 


Pushing the envelope or 


“Гое been giving for so many years that I'd forgotten how 
nice it is to receive.” 


E u 


у Ut 

ZEIT RL EL 

FRANK TIN 
DEAN MARTIN 


PETER LAWFORD 


2 


rank Sinatra's calling 
And it means tonight we're 
balling 
All the way. 
Many fears soon plague us: 
Is it Palm Springs, is it Vegas? 
Who can say? 
— Sammy Cahn, parody lyrics from 1957 


Vegas, this time. Vegas, baby—but of 
course. Frank said so and told them to 
come and to bring their birds, so as to 
better partake of all the requisite moth- 
егу gas. They came—but of course— 
just like always. How could they not? 


This time, after all, there was history 
(plus many a chick) to make. The boys 
followed, but fast. To wit, classic story: 
One morning at the Sands, in the mid- 
dle of this madness, the actor Norman 
Fell looked out of his hotel window 
and saw Dean and Sammy and Peter 
Lawford running hard, past the pool 
He stuck his head out the window 


and yelled: “Hey, where are you guys 


going?” And Sammy hollered back: 
“Frank's up!” (continued on page 100) 


George Clooney (above) knows the volue of a 
guys’ night out. Moybe thot's why he wos drawn 
lo the new version of Ocean's 11. The originol 
movie shoot was a nonstop Rat Pock porty ot the 
Sands in Vegas, with occasional work thrown in. 


96 


good bedroom manners 


ood manners are useful. They keep you from insulting and of- 

fending people, especially people you are trying to have sex 

with. As a single girl out there looking for love, I estimate that 
85 percent of my dates are like the most laughable episodes of Blind 
Date. 1 thought I was alone until I spoke with a bunch of my girlfriends. 
Since the dating game is more of a game than ever, the art of courtship 
has somehow been lost.This is why the girls and I have regretfully con- 
cluded that sexual etiquette is at an all-time low. 

Good manners require you to focus on the desires and needs of 
someone else, which is beneficial because it keeps everyone from be- 
coming too self-absorbed. Women will love you for having manners,and 
you will get laid. So in the interest of your fulfillment, I invite you to 
eavesdrop on my late-night conversations with my friends as we discuss 
some sticky, sticky issues. 


bou n ct an orgasm first? 

N Гуе had a boyfriend for a year and I don't always expect 
to go first, but I do expect to have an orgasm eventually. It's disap- 
pointing when a man shoots his load, rolls over and falls asleep.Then I 
lie there thinking, What about me? What happened to my orgasm? 

4 e: You can't always keep score, but at least if the woman goes 
first, nobody’s disappointed. 

I think it’s thoughtful to forget about your own or- 
gasm and to try to give the other person one. It’s a Zen thing; whenev- 
er I do that, I end up not even noticing who had one first and we end 
up having hotter sex. (continued on page 104) 


Step! 
Step 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


R.R. Tolkien's The 

Lord of the Rings is fi- 

nally getting its big- 

screen due after a 
limp 1978 animated version. 
The epic trilogy kicked off 
with The Fellowship of the Ring, 
to be followed by The Tivo Tow- 
ers this year and The Return of 
the King in 2003. It has what 
all genre geeks love: a fellow- 
ship of hobbits, wizards, elves, 
dwarves and humans banding 
together to fight a Dark Lord's 
demonic army and to destroy 
his One Ring, which has the 
power to rule their world, 
called Middle-earth, and en- 
slave its people. It's the 21st 
century's Star Wars without 
Jar Jar Binks—and that's fine 
with us. —ROBERT B. DESALVO 


YEAR OF THE 


HOBB 


IS THE LORD OF THE RINGS THE NEW STAR WARS? 


[Т 


(1) He's under four feet tall. 

(2) He has big, hairy feet and doesn't 
Wear shoes. 

(3) He has Vulcanesque ears. 

(4) He disguises the former with a mop of 
curly hair. 

(5) He eats six times a day. 

(6) He brews his own ale. 

(7) He wants to be or currently is a farmer. 

(8) He doesn't play well with strangers. 

(9) He entered adulthood and started act- 
ing responsibly around the age of 33. 

(10) He smokes a lot of what he tells you 
is "pipe weed." 


Star Wars 


(1) Obi-Wan Kenobi is a white-haired 
Jedi (with a fondness for hooded cloaks) 
who seemingly sacrifices his life to help 
Luke Skywalker on his quest. 

(2) The characters battle using light 
sabers. 

(3) Yoda sees visions of the fulure and 
asks Luke, "Judge me by my size, do 
you?" 

(4) Darth Vader used to be a noble 
Jedi Knight until he was seduced by 
the Dark Side of the Force. 

(5) Luke Skywalker's struggle to resist 
the Dark Side is the underlying theme 
of Star Wars. 


The Lord of the Rings 


(1) Gandalf is a white-haired wizard 
(with a fondness for hooded cloaks) 
who seemingly sacrifices his life to 
help hobbit Frodo Baggins on his 
quest. 

(2) The characters battle with magi- 
cal swords. 

(3) Galadriel sees visions of the fu- 
ture and tells Frodo, “Even the smallest 
person can change the future." 

(4) Saruman used to be a wise wiz- 
ard until he was seduced by the power 
of the One Ring. 

5. Frodo's struggle to resist the One 
Ring's corruptible power is the underly- 
ing theme of The Lord of the Rings. 


* JRR. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings has 
sold more than 50 million copies and has 
been translated into 25 languages. That's up 
there with the Bible. 

* The trilogy made movie history by being 
filmed concurrently with the same core cast 
under the direction of Peter Jackson. Filming 
began in October 1999 and will take three 
years to finish, about the same time it takes 
to make one Star Wars sequel. 

e The character Gollum will be completely 
computer animated. 

© The trilogy cost $270 million to produce. 
* You can thank Tolkien and his trilogy, The 
Lord of the Rings, for inspiring everything 
from Dungeons and Dragons to Star Wars. 
But you can blame George Lucas alone for 
Jar Jar and the B movie-sounding title 
Attack of the Clones. 


“Т can't believe what a good neighbor you are, inviting that lonely girl next door over 
for some Christmas cheer.” 


99 


PLAYBOY 


100 


А 
Ocean 3 77 (continued from page 95) 


But this bacchanal would be bigger, wilder, the most- 
est, the first and last Olympics of Cool. 


Which explained all. Which explains 
all else to come. 

When Frank called, you did well to 
run. A radiating nucleus among men— 
among his men in particular—he led 
them, briskly and directly, into temp- 
tations abounding. His eternal battle 
cry —"Let's start the action!" —tore 
across the landscape of his life. Where 
the action wasn't, he would not be. (1 
once asked him the secret to living 
large and he responded: “You just kecp 
moving.") The fellows followed suit, 
whereupon they could collaborate in 
never-ending ring-a-ding-ding, or 
gassers, or hey-hey (i.e., good umes, 
featuring women and/or alcohol and/ 
or blowing up each other's shoes with 
cherry bombs—and there were no 
clydes allowed, ever. Clydes were strict- 
ly bums of the brown-shoe variety— 
i.e., losers from the province of no- 
where, also known as harveys, in case 
you were wondering). So this time— 
starting in mid-January 1960—he or- 
dered them all to the neon desert, 
where he ruled like a potentate, which 
of course he was, and decreed that it 
would be some kind of *r-t-N" (he reg- 
ularly spelled when throwing weight) 
to make a caper movie there by day, 
then gag it up twice every night at the 
Sands Hotel, ever together, in pack 
formation. He would rig the accou- 
trements—booze, broads, festi 
tendant, everything—just like alwa 
But this bacchanal would be bigger, 
wilder, the most-est, as he would say— 
nothing short of the first and last Olym- 
pics of Cool. Riotous weeks ensued 
whereupon envious eyes everywhere 
shifted toward Las Vegas, like never 
before or since—“a scene Las Vegas 
will never forget,” this magazine re- 
ported from the front lines at the time. 
What the boys perpetrated each night 
onstage came to be called the Summit, 
as anchored by the five principals who 
thereafter came to be called the Rat 
Pack or. occasionally, the Clan (Brother 
Sam didn’t dig that one at all)—and it 
would forever dog-ear show-business 
annals as the most notorious nightclub 
act unleashed anywhere. 

But what they put on film by day 
(and also by the wee small hours of 
predawn)—this casino heist confection 
and apotheosis of ego called Ocean's 
11— would be revered as the ultimate 
Vegas cult movie, the ultimate men 
bonding-while-behaving-badly movie, 
and unquestionably the quintessential 


Rat Pack home movie. It is for certain 
all of those things, but much more as 
well. Never mind that it wasn't e: 
ly a good movie. The larger point, 1 
think, is that if you are male and pos- 
sibly bent toward urbane virile aspi- 
ration, this is a movie you just wish 
you could have been in. (Acting ability 
didn't seem all that big of a require- 
ment, frankly.) More than anything, it 
is a movie that, in tone and essence, 
captures what it felt like to be around 
Frank at a time and in a place when 
and where there was поп 
citing than to be around Frank. It has 
now been remade by Oscar-winning di- 
rector Steven Soderbergh and will star 
George Clooney, among other talented 
actors, at a time and ina place when 
and where it is impossible to be around 
Frank, graveside visits notwithstand- 
ing. Theirs will be a better movie, no 
doubt, but I can promise it will never 
stoke dreams of debauchery like the 
Oceans 11 that came first. That one was 
all about the moment, baby. And that 
moment is long gone. 


Of capturing moments long gone: 
Dean said to Frank during one of the 
finest scenes in the film, “If you want to 
try to catch lightning in a bottle, you go 
ahead—but don't try to catch yester- 
day! Old times are only good when 
you've had “em!” (He could well have 
also been trying to tell Soderbergh and 
company something here, but prob- 
ably not, since Dean was never one 
to Jecture, unless he was in character, 
which he was when he said that.) Nev- 
ertheless, let me now try to catch light- 
ning in a bottle and reconstruct for you 
specific good times that other men had 
and you didn't. To attempt this, 1 have 
led the archives of all things rin 
ding. tracked down survivors and wit- 
nesses (the few who still walk among 
us), sifted production notes, excavated 
the long-lost final shooting script (ac- 
tually, Angie Dickinson, who played 
Frank's martyred wife, let me copy 
hers) and also gotten hold of the saucy 
paperback novelization with its shock- 
ingly different ending. From these 
pieces there emerges a vivid mosaic of 
key events and minutiae surrounding 
the real Ocean's 1 1—mayhem, women, 
tantrums, camaraderie, sleeplessness, 
hangovers, liver damage. I'm sure that 
being around George Clooney can also 
be FUN, but not quite like this. 


At the core we have five men to con- 
sider—three of whom (Frank, Dean, 
Sammy) needed no last names for in- 
troduction or marquee recognition in 
Las Vegas, nor anywhere else. (Privately. 
Frank and Dean called each other Da- 
go, or Dag, and both addressed Sam as 
Smokey—as per his superior nicotine 
intake) Joey Bishop—who did need a 
last name, who had begun opening 
shows for Frank eight years earlier. and 
whose deadpan delivery defined him 
as the Frown Prince of Comedy—was 
the wry moderator of their stage work 
together, but was more peripheral in 
this film (ninth billing) and in other 
such Pack collaborations. (He once con- 
sidered writing a memoir titled J Was a 
Mouse in the Rat Pack.) “Have you seen 
the marquee out front?" he would ask 
giddy audiences each night in the 
Copa Room of the Sands. “The way 
they've got my name way down on the 
bottom, only tall dogs will know I'm 
working here.” Joey, incidentally, is the 
last living member of the five Summit- 
eers (“I've never touched a drop of liquor 
in my life!”) and at 83 is a cranky guy. 
Whenever I call him, he yells at me a 
lot, but you get used to it and kind of 
enjoy it afier a while. Among other 
peeves, he is angry about the remake of 
Ocean's 11—"How can they re-create a 
friendship that existed between five 
guys?” he says. "They don't know shit!” 
Joey once said of the original film: “If 
it was so great, why wasn't there an 
Ocean's 12?" Meanwhile, without Peter 
Lawford—the debonair British-born 
actor whose presence in this quintet 
has forever tested logic (notwithstand- 
ing the fact that his brother-in-law was 
a young Massachusetts senator and 
presidential aspirant named Jack Ken- 
nedy)—there would never have been 
an Ocean's 11 in the first place. But he 
could dance OK and always looked 
good in a tuxedo, which meant a great 
deal to Frank. 


It was Brother-in-Lawford—as Frank 
called him—who actually found the 
germ of what would become Oceans 11 
while sitting on the beach at his Malibu 
compound in 1955. A small-time direc- 
tor friend had wandered down the 
shore one day and laid out the story 
right there, looking to put the touch on 
Lawford for financing. This director, 
Gilbert Kay, said the inspiration had 
come from a local gas station attendant 
who, according to Lawford, "was one 
of 25 men to dismantle some valuable 
radio equipment in Germany during 
the war and carry it piece by piece out 
of the country.” Kay and Lawford noo- 
dled with the notion of another intre- 
pid team of, say, 11 World War II vets 

(continued on page 182) 


op left: SureFire's three-inch Executive El 
flashlight produces 15 lumens, an amaz- 
ing amount of illumination for a light this 
small (about $70). Its big brother, the 
Millennium Magnum M6, delivers 500 lu- 
mens ($350). No wonder SWAT teams 
carry it. The Multi-Plier 700 Urban Legend, Ger- 
ber's new midsize multitool, includes a wire cut- 
ter among its many gizmos (about $100). Center 
left: Pipe authority Richard Carleton Hacker has 
designed his first briar, a limited-edition (500) 
billiard with sandblasted finish and a silver 
band embossed with his signature ($200). Be- 
low left: Millennium Three's Cap 57 snowboard 
is made from aspen and maple for a light- 
weight board with plenty of pop ($450). Trans- 
port it in Sportube's durable snowboard case 
with wheels and a handle ($150). Below: 
The Palm m125 includes 8 MB of RAM and 
a universal connector for use with an op- 
tional wireless modem, GPS receiver or 

other attachment ($250). 


VT he Bushnell Yardage Pro Tour (above) pro- 
vides golfers with distance information 
from 10 to 700 yards (about $350, includ- 
ing a carrying case that clips on to a golf 
bag or cart). Top left: The Kimber diver's 

L model wristwatch, with quartz analog 

movement, stainless-steel case and illuminated 

face, is water resistant to 660 feet (about $340, 
including rubber wristband, storage case and 
five-year battery). A stainless-steel band is also 

available. Next to the watch is the Remington Mi- 

croScreen Sport, a rechargeable wet/dry shaver 

with retractable trimmer (about $60, including 
travel pouch). It’s designed for active guys who 
may want to tote it from the office to the gym. 

Left: What distinguishes the 10" Super Slicer by 

Wüsthof is its reversed serration, which virtually 

assures a clean cut, from Broadway Panhandler 

(about $50, including a storage sleeve). Below 

left: Orvis' leather-and-hardwood Zambezi Riv- 

er Plantation campaign chair, with a drink tray, 
folds for storage (about $250). A similar canvas- 
and-hardwood folding chair minus the drink tray 
is also available (about $150). Below: Orlimar's 

TriMetal HipTi driver uses a forging method 

called hot isostatic processing to eliminate inter- 

nal porosity in the titanium face, which is thin 
and superstrong. The result: more distance off 
the tee, even on bad drives (about $300). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO. 


bove: Two new Ultimate Guides, Spider- 

Man and Batman, from Dorling Kinders- 

ley ($19.95 each) and Jack Cole and Plas- 

tic Man (also $19.95) from Chronicle 

Books. A number of Cole cartoons that 

originally ran in PLAYBOY ore featured in 
Plastic Man. Top right: Samsonite's Xylem alu- 
minum briefcase from eluxury.com is similar to 
the one created by Samsonite for Pierce Brosnan 
аз James Bond in The World Is Not Enough 
($365). On the briefcase is а 1:36 scol. ited- 
edition (1000) model of the Aston Martin that 
Bond drove in Thunderball, by Spy Guise in con- 
junction with Corgi Classics ($75). The car's ma- 
chine guns, bulletproof shield and ejector seat 
are button activated. Right: DeMarini Sports’ 
new Maxxum -3 aluminum bat has ideal balance, 
thanks to a construction technique that removes 
deadweight from the barrel ($275). Below right: 
Aberlour 15-year-old scotch, aged in both sher- 
ry and bourbon casks (about $50 a liter), and 
Distiller’s Masterpiece, a 20-year-old bourbon 
finished in port casks ($300). Below: Bose’s 
new 3*2*1 digital DVD system delivers surround 
‘sound from two speakers and a subwoofer (about 
$1000). Atop the Bose is the Playboy Jazz label's 
new release, Playboy’s Latin Jazz Christmas: A 
Not So Silent Night, featuring Arturo Sandoval, 
Pete Escovedo, Sheila E. and others ($17). 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 170. 


PLAYBOY 


104 


Sexual Etiquette 
(continued from page 96) 

MARYANNE: Since I usually have two 
orgasms anyway, he gives me one first, 
then 1 give him one, then 1 get so ex- 
cited watching him have one, | have 
another one. 

LORI: It depends on how far into the 
relationship you are. Lack of etiquette 
is about being selfish. It's selfish to 
ignore the fact that she has not been 
satisfied. It doesn't always have to be 
ladies first, but it should be ladies by 
the time it’s over. Guys usually don't 
end a sex session until they have an or- 
gasm. In fact, most get pissed о if they 
have sex without having an orgasm. 

KATHLEEN: | want a guy like Sting, 
who's into tantric yoga and can control 
himself and not blow his nuts in 10 
seconds. 

MARGO: Once they fall asleep, it's over 
for us. The problem is, there's a differ- 
ence between girl time and guy time. 
We sometimes need more warm-up 
time. I'm not even picky how I have the 
orgasm. I'll even take a finger job. 

susan: Have you ever seen that look 
a guy gets just after he has his orgasm 
and you say, “Could you make me 
come now?" That's when he looks at 
you like you just told him to dump the 
garbage. 


IS ORAL SEX А 50:50 DEAL? 


KAREN: Oral sex ought to be recipro- 
cal. It's only fair. Men have to think 
about “the little lady down there.” What 
about her? If I give a guy a hum job 
first, I often don't get satisfied in re- 
turn. It's unfair to demand oral with- 
out giving it. The best lovers are the 
ones who are givers. Etiquette is about 
fairness. But you don't always have to 
reciprocate at that moment, as long as 
you do it at some point. Later on that 
night is good. 

MARGO: About half the guys out there 
seem neutral about it, the other half 
are generous. I had one boyfriend who 
was so selfish, I had to institute the 
“you have to do me first before I do 
wu.” otherwise it would never happen 
But I had another boyfriend who was 
so into it, that's all he wanted to do. I 
called him the Tongue 

Lori: There's nothing wrong with 

ig each other what you want. It's 
nny: Men and women put their gen- 
itals into each other's mouths, yet we're 
afraid to tell each other what we like- 
1 don't mind if a guy says. “Be a litle 
mer.” Or “Don't stop." 1 especially like 
Эһ my God! That's it. Oh, yeah.” Then 
I like when he is rendered speechless. 

ANKA: Oral sex is so trendy these 
days. It seems like the thing you do be- 
fore you have intercourse. 

FLYSE: But what about 


tel 


vallowing? 


I'm not going to swallow some guy I 
don't know. 

marco: I don't swallow, and don't ex- 
pect me to. 

Lori: Again, as with all of these is- 
sues, it’s about communication. Let me 
know when it's about to happen. I like 
when a guy warns me of his ejacula- 
tion. That way I can decide if I'm going 
to accept his mojo. I once had a guy 
stand over me, and he squirted all over 
my face without giving me notice. It 
felt like he was peeing on me and I 
di ke it. Im married now and my 
husband always asks, “Where do you 
want it?” This way, can keep from get- 
ting semen in my eye. 

STEPHANIE: IUS a respect thing. But 
the problem is that it’s somewhat hu- 
miliating. IF I don't know someone 
well, 1 don't want him standing above 
me expecting me to swallow. But if I 
know someone better, it seems primitive 
and hot. It's a situational thing. I think 
oral sex is a gift you give to each other. 


DO GUYS GET THE WRONG IDEAS ABOUT 
SEX FROM PORNOGRAPHY? 


KATHLEEN: I love porn. I like to watch 
it alone or with a guy. But I have no: 
ticed that in the past couple of years, it 
seems like 90 percent of the money 
shots involve ejaculating on a woman's 
face. And last time I was porn shop- 
ping, I noticed one called 100 Facials, 
which consisted of 100 money shots on 
100 girls’ faces. I thought it was hilari- 
ous, until I was at a party recently and 
a guy, in his early 20s, came up to me 
and asked, “Can I come on your face?” 
I was shocked by his abruptness, so I 
asked him, “Now, why would you ask 
me such a rude question?” And he said, 
“Because I like your face and I would 
like to come on it,” with no irony. All І 
could think was, Somebody has been 
watching too much porn. 

Marco: Guys must get ideas from 
watching porn, because I don’t think 
they sit around and discuss sexual tech- 
niques with their homies. In most por- 
nos, when a girl gets her face squirted 
on, she laps it up like a Saint Bernard 
who hasn't eaten in г а 
does look like chicks dig that, especial- 
ly when they say stuff like, “Oh, yeah, 
give it to me, oh, yeah, it tastes so good." 
I think most girls don't mind getting 
facials, but they don't want it every time. 

KAREN: The problem is doing it with- 
out asking. After a guy watches a cer- 
tain number of facial pornos, he thinks 
it's OK to do it. 

ANNIE: Maybe that explains why men 
keep trying to convince us to have three- 
somes. Um not bisexual and I'm not 
going to apologize for being heterosex- 
ual. I'm into the weenus and that's my 
story. But almost every porno movie 
shows girl-girl, and men are turned on 


by that, which is fine. But don't ask me 
to do it. Porn is not real life. The la: 
three boyfriends that I've had, all in 
their 20s, have tried to convince me to 
have a threesome. Porn must give them 
ideas. The “let's bring some girls into 
our love thing” is like this new sexu- 
al obnoxiousness. My last boyfriend 
bugged me about it for a year. Finally, 1 
found it insulting. It made me feel like 
he was dissatisfied with me. So 1 made 
a deal with him. I said, “OK, ГЇЇ have a 
threesome with you and another 
you have a threesume with me and an- 
other guy.” He never brought up the 
subject agai 
susan: This is what I dort like about 
porn: They don't kiss, they don't say 
much and they rarely compliment each 
other in any interesting way. And they 
always zoom in on that filmed-from- 
behind tea-bagging shot with the guy's 
balls hanging ош. That never does it 
for me. What I do like about porn is 
that the guy always gives the girl cun- 
nilingus. That is always good etiquette 

ELYSE: A lot of men start watching 
porn at 15, when they first learn about 
sex. By the time they are 25, they re- 
quest a threesome and a double pene- 
tration on the first date. 

Anka: T actually think men and wom- 
en should watch more porn together. 
It's a bonding experience. I've never 
put оп a porn and had a guy say, "Let's 
watch something else.” It's fun to make 
a running commentary about what 
you are seeing. Once a boyfriend and I 
were watching some cheesy porno we 
were making fun of and the next thing 
you know, we were saying, “You know, 
we should be doing that. 


IS FT RUDE TO HAVE Sj 


N PUBLIC? 


KAREN: Personally, I like public di 
plays of affection, but 1 prefer a man 
to put his arm around me or hold 
my hand rather than shove his tongue 
down my throat and grope my boob- 
age in the middle of a crowded res- 
taurant. That's embarrassing. 1 don't 
want to perform for everyone in the 
restaurant. 

ANKA: I had a boyfriend who wanted 
ive him a hand job under the 
table at a restaurant. I'm a pretty good 
hand-job giver, but it was just too 
crowded in there to go undetected. 

ELYSE: Often when I fantasize about 
having sex outdoors, I think of some- 
place exotic, like a waterfall in Ha- 
жай or a luxurious beach. Someplace 
where you have a chance of getting 
caught yet has some atmosphere. Im 
sorry, but it’s a big turnoff to try to 
have sex in a place that’s gross. Guys al- 
ways want to have sex in some dirty, 
smelly bathroom somewhere, like a gas 
station, because they think that it's 

(continued on page 169) 


“This year I'm putting in a provision for good big boys, too!” 


NATURALLY 


for miss january, 
it's nothing 
but net 


2 T Was A TREAT to have Nicole Narain 
hang out at our Chicago office for a month. Dur- 
ing the photo shoot, she gave us some sweet ad- 
vice: fa man drinks a lot of pineapple juice, his 
semen will taste better. After that, every gu 
the office was walking around, pineapple juice 
in hand, hoping Nicole would notice. Outside 
our office, Nicole was also a magnet. The night 
we took her to Le Colonial on Rush Street, men 
mobbed her at the bar, commenting on every- 
thing from the 27-year-old’s striking looks to 
her tattoos. She handled them deftly. Miss Janu- 
ary is a woman who can take care of hersell— 
and others. Before we even opened our menus, 
she told us what we should have and ordered 
everything 

Originally from Aurora, Illinois, Nicole is the 
first member of her immediate family to be born 
in this country, Her mother is from British Guy- 
ana, a country whose name we apparently had 
trouble pronouncing. Nicole groaned when she 
heard us say it, “You're butchering it,” she said. 

Her father is half East Indian, half Chinese. 
Growing up in such a cultural mix informed 
Nicole's dating preferences. “I've al 
dating different types of people,” she say 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


whole family does. Holiday photos look like Benetton commercials.” 

In high school, she was twice crowned homecoming queen. She also was a 
sprinter on the track team, a skill that came in handy when she had to outrun 
classmates jealous of her drop-dead good looks. “I'm a success, and those peo- 
ple who were mean to me along the way can go to hell.” 

When she turned 16, Nicole bolted to Los Angeles. While living with family, 
she worked as a hostess and a supervisor at a Discovery Zone. Iwo years later, 
she finished high school and answered a roommate-wanted ad in the paper. 
The three men who had placed that ad must have thought they were dream- 
ing when Nicole walked in. She swears they were perfect gentlemen during 
their cohabitation, and never once hit on her. But they still managed to screw 
things up. One night, as the four roomies watched a movie, “One guy snapped 
оп me for not buying groceries and eating their food,” she says. "But I had a 
shit job. They all had good jobs.” Three days later, she returned to Illinois. 
‘ole is both a model and an inventor. Her latest brainchild, the Optical 
Ear, addresses her biggest pet peeve—dirty ears. "It's a handheld mirror that 
lights up.” she explains. “Two rotating mirrors are attached to it. You face an- 
other mirror and stick the Optical Ear inside your ear canal. Then you can see 
the reflection.” Ever since Nicole pointed this out, we can't stop looking into 
women's ears. But we haven't seen any as cute as Nicole’s. 


Nicole is a cot laver. “I'd get a Bengal tiger if could,” she says. "Cats are independent 
You have ta earn their lave. And if you're fighting with yaur bayfriend, wha cores? 
You've got your сої. Dusty is my favorite. When I get into bed, he lies right next to me.” 


The prettier Miss Jonuary become, 
the more it irritated her classmates. 
“One ofternoon a girl come up to 
me and soid, ‘Some guy just gave 
me $50 to beat you up, but I don't 
have а beef with you. | just thought 
1 would worn yav because there 
will probably be same girls waiting 
far you after school today.’ | had to 
hove my uncle pick me up that day. 
He had to do that o lot,” Nicole soys 


THERE ARE MORE PICTURES, 
PLUS VIDEO, OF NICOLE 
AT CYBER PLAYBOYCOM 


While she has no use for diamonds, Nicole is enthusiastic about body jewelry despite all the troublesome accompanying pain. Of her 
tongue piercing she soys, "People think I had it pierced to please men. But I got this for me." So who's lucky enough to receive the ben- 
112 efits? Nicole was evasive when we asked, but we know for a fact thot the tongue barbell is attoched—and she's not 


ЧЇПНҮГ SSIN 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


wn Аа rai > 
mere DH warst: c] - His: (o _ _ 
HEIGHT: s'4" WEIGHT: -HD - 
BIRTH DATE: 01-20-74 BIRTHPLACE (tapo LL 
Turion: 1000 LPPKS, Sense oy Uum, 

J ing $ hans 


IF I CAME WITH A WARNING LABEL, IT WOULD ser SWC MA 


I00 Sanse +0 Amen. 


MY GREATEST GOAL Mot Waving xo Whee 


Эш oan, Snow While. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


A man stumbled out of a bar. A cop saw him 
and asked, “Can I help you?” 

“Yesssh! Sshomebody ssshtole my car,” the 
man replied. 

The cop asked, “Where was the car the last 
time you saw it? 

"It wasss at the end of thisssh key," the man 
slurred. 

The officer looked down and saw that the 
man's penis was hanging out of his fly. He 
asked, "Sir, are you aware that you are expos- 
ing yourself?” 

The drunk looked down and blurted out, 
“Son of a bitch. They got my girlfriend, too.” 


What happens when you plan a threesome 
and one more woman walks into the bedroom? 
She divorces you. 


A man walked into a bar, ordered a drink and 
started a crossword puzzle. After a few drinks, 
he was stumped. “Hey, bartender,” he said. 
“What is the bird of wisdom?” 

The bartender replied, “The owl.” 

A few minutes later, the customer said, “1 
know the bird of freedom is the eagle. And 
the bird of love is the dove. But what is a seven- 
letter word for the bird of true love?” 

The bartender said, “That one’s easy. It's the 
swallow.” 


T HiS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: A 
man told his wife he'd gotten a tattoo. "What 
kind of tattoo, and where is it?” she asked. 

"It's a $100 bill tattooed on my penis,” he 
replied. 

"Why the hell did you get that there?" she 
asked. 

He said, “Because 1 know how much you 
like to blow money.” 


En route to his next performance, a juggler 
was stopped by a cop. “What are these match- 
es and lighter fluid doing in your car?" the of- 
ficer asked. 

ggle flaming torches,” the juggler said. 
“Oh yeah?” the cop said. “Let me see.” 

The man stepped out of the car and began 
to juggle the blazing torches. A couple driving 
by slowed down to watch. “Wow,” the driver 
said to his wife. “I'm glad 1 quit drinking. Look 
at the test they're giving now.” 


A banker and his friend were fishing one af- 
ternoon when their boat began to k. The 
banker said, “I can't swim.” 

His friend held on to the banker and swam 
toward shore. After 20 minutes, he grew tired 
and asked, “Do you suppose you could float 
alone?” 

The banker replied, “Well, this is a hell of a 


time to ask for money.” 


A woman was distraught because she had not 
dated in a long time. Her doctor suggested she 
visita Chinese sex th Dr. Wang. Up- 
on entering the exami n room, Dr. Wang 
said, “OK. Take off your crows.” 

The woman did so and stood naked before 
him. “Now,” Dr. Wang said, “get down on your 
knees and craw very fast away from me to the 
other side of the room.” 

She got down on all fours and crawled away 
from him. “Now craw back," he said. 

She did as he asked. Dr. Wang shook his 
head. “Your probrem is very bad. You have Ed 
Zachary disease. Worst case I ever saw. That's 
why you don't have dates. 

Confused, the woman asked, “What is Ed 
Zachary disease?” 

Wang replied, “Your face rook Ed Zachary 
rike your ass.” 


e 


fers Mas n 


A man walked into a bar and 
e took a sip and heard a voice 


Pıasovc 
ordered a 
say, "Nice tie. 
The only other person there was the bar- 
tender, and he was standing at the opposite 
end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man 
heard another voice say, “Beautiful shirt.” 
‘The man called the bartender over. “I must 
be losing my mind,” he said. “I keep hearing 
voices that say nice things.” 
“It's ihe peanuts," the bartender said. 
“What do you mean?” " the man asked. 
“It's the peanuts,” the bartender repeated. 
"They re complimentary." 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Johes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playbey.com, 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Next door. Live mannequins. Pass it on.” 


119 


AB 


AIRING 


FICTION BY JOYCE CAROL OATES 


ING 


here! The phone is 
ringing. 

The call usually 
comes between six 
and seven, week- 
day evenings ex- 

clusively. Steven will hear the phone, 
and Holly, in the kitchen preparing 
dinner, will answer it quickly, before 
Steven or their 11-year-old son, Bran- 
don, can get to it. He’ll hear his wife’s 
urgent voice, an anxious hello and 
then subdued murmurs of sympathy 
or encouragement, finally silence, for 
the person on the other end of the line 
is doing most of the talking. 

The conversation seldom lasts more 
than 20 minutes. Once, Steven recalls, 
it lasted nearly an hour, and might 
have gone longer if Steven hadn't 
come into the kitchen to interrupt. 

Tonight Steven is sitting in the fam- 
ily room adjacent to the kitchen with 
four-year-old Caitlin in the curve of 
his arm, listening to his daughter read 
aloud from one of her new, beautifully 
illustrated storybooks, a tale of imper- 
iled but magically empowered talking 
animals, and he tries not to be dis- 
tracted by Holly in the kitchen. He 
loves these reading sessions with 
with a fierce, fatherly sense of 
privilege; he remembers with what 
swiftness Brandon’s early childhood 
passed, how abruptly his son became 
a boy, no longer a little boy, whose 
measure of self-worth is drawn from 
his boy classmates and not from his 
adoring parents. 

Steven resents this caller, who inter- 
rupts Holly in the kitchen, though she 
has asked him not to call her at that 
time. She loves cooking for her little 
family, as (continued on page 160) 


holly’s 
brother is 
crazy, and 
his constant 
phone calls 
disrupt her 
family. so why 
doesn’t he 
call when a 
life’s at stake? 


ILLUSTRATION BY OAVE MCKEAN 


[1117 eo... 
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GENE 


omeday soon, just after the final chords of Rock and Roll 

All Nite ring out on the Shea Stadium stage, | will pick up 

my bass and exit stage right. After | experienced 29 glo- 
rious and tumultuous years filled with the highest highs and the 
lowest lows, America will have seen the last of Kiss onstage. 
America was our home. Americans were our people. And playing 
the final show will be bittersweet, to say the least. 

Thirty years ago, there was no Kiss. There was only Gene 
Simmons, an aspiring rock musician in New York City. Ten years 
before that, there was no Gene Simmons—only Gene Klein, a 
Jewish kid who lived in Queens with his single mother. And 10 
years before that, there wasn't even a Gene Klein—only Chaim 
Witz, a poor boy growing up in Haifa, Israel. All those people, of 
course, were me, and | was all those people. | was born in Israel, 
saw the world change around me when | came to America with 
my mother and then began to change myself—first my name, 
then my face. When I picked up a bass, it was a kind of transfor- 
mation. When 1 put on face paint, it was a kind of transformation. 


And when | took the stage, it was 
the most profound transformation 
of them all. In the process, ! had 
managed to help steer Kiss to the 
pinnacle of rock and roll: We would 
eventually stand right behind the 
Beatles in the number of gold- 
record awards by any group in 
history. 

- EARLY DAYS A band is like 
a puzzle. Some of the pieces get 
filled in right away, and some take 
a little longer. At first, Paul Stanley 
and | had a vague idea of what we 
wanted our band to be like, but as 
time went on, we began to hone in 
on what we were trying to achieve. 
We saw plenty of bands doing 
things we didn't like, and every 
time we saw them, we were able to 


0 


== 
= 


2 
refine our vision. Раш and І were pri- 
marily songwriters and singers. We 
could play instruments, but at demo 
level. We needed the rest of a band to 
fully realize our vision. First on the list 
was a drummer. One afternoon | ran 
across an ad in Rolling Stone that 
read, “Drummer available—will do 
anything.” | called the guy, and even 
though he was in the middle of a par- 
ty, he took my call. | introduced myself 
and said we were starting a band and 
looking for a drummer, and was he 
willing to do anything to make it? He 
said he was, right away. 

He answered almost too quickly. So 
I slowed him down. 

“Look,” | said, “this is a specific 
kind of band. We have very particular 
ideas about how we're going to make 
it. What happens if | ask you to wear a 
dress while you play?” He covered 
up the phone and repeated the ques- 
tion to a guy in the background, who 
laughed. | went on: “What happens if | 
ask you to wear red lipstick or other 
makeup?” By now, the people in the 
background were beside themselves. 
But the drummer answered my ques- 
tion. No problem, he said. “Are you 
fat?” | asked. “Do you have facial 
hair?” Because if he did, | explained, 
he would have to shave it. We didn’t 
want to be like a San Francisco hippie 
band. We wanted to be big stars, not 
medium stars who looked like hippies 
or truck drivers. We were going to put 
together a band the world had never 
seen. We were going to grab the world 
by the scruff of its neck and. . . . 

1 guess | went on too long, because 
at some point the drummer stopped 


me. "Why don't you just come and 
see me?" he said. "I'm playing at a 
club in Brooklyn on Saturday." ` 

Saturday came, and Paul and | 
took the subway all the way down to 
the end of Brooklyn, to this small 
Italian club, whose clientele could 
easily have been actors on The So- 
pranos. There were maybe 20 peo- 
ple there, all of them milling around, 
drinking beer and watching this trio 
onstage. The bass player and guitar 
player looked like soldiers for the 
Genovese family. The drummer was 
something else entirely. He had a 
Shag haircut that looked like Rod 
Stewart's on a good day, and he 
wore a big gray scarf. He outdressed 
everybody in that club, and he 
looked like a star. 

They were playing mostly soul 
covers, and when they did /n the 


Midnight Hour, the drummer started 
to sing, and this Wilson Pickett-style 
voice came out of him. Paul and I 
said, "That's it, that's our drummer." 
His name was Peter Crisscoula. We 
shortened it to Peter Criss. We 
brought Peter into our loft on 23rd 
Street and began to play as a trio. It 
was 1972 and things were moving 
more quickly now: We had songs we 
were happy with, and our look was 
starting to crystallize—we were 
even starting to wear makeup, al- 
though it was far cruder than it even- 
tually became. 

This new version of the band 
needed to go before Epic to see if 
they were interested. The record la- 
bel sent down the vice president of 
A&R. He came to the loft, where we 
had set up a little theater—10 rows 
of four seats—to simulate the feeling 


PLAYROY 


126 


of playing in front of a live audience. 
He sat down, and we played the three 
songs that we were most confident wit 
Deuce, written by me, Struller, writte: 
by Paul and me, and Firehouse, written 
by Paul. The set went well, although we 
weren't sure the A&R guy exactly un- 
derstood what we were about. 1 was 
wearing a sailor's uniform, and I had 
my hair pulled out and painted silver. 
At the end of Firehouse, there was a 
stage move we had worked out where 
Paul grabbed a pail filled with confetti 
and tossed tbe contents over the audı- 
ence. He went for tbe pail, and as he 
flung it toward the seats, I saw a look of 
terror on the АКК guy's face. Clearly 
he thought the pail was filled with wa- 
ter. He leaped to his feet and headed 
for the door. 

Around this time Paul and I recog- 
nized that if we were going to change 
the band—hire new players, write new 
music—we should probably have a new 
name. One day Paul, Peter and 1 were 
driving around, and we started brain- 
storming for names. 1 had thought of 
a few, like Albatross, but I wasn't hap- 
py with any of them. At one point Paul 
said, “How about Kiss?" Peter and 1 
nodded, and that was it. It made sense. 
Hindsight is 20/20, of course, and since 
then people have talked about all the 
benefits of the name: how it seemed to 
sum up certain things about glam rock 
at the time, and how it was perfect for 
international marketing because it was 
a simple word that people all over the 
world understood. 

We weren't finished hiring the band, 
though. We still needed a lead guitar 
player, so we put an ad in The Village 
Voice. While Peter had fallen right into 
place as the drummer, the search for 
our guitarist was significantly more 
problematic. We went through audi- 
tion after audition, One after the other, 
loser after loser. 

One guy, Bob Kulick, had played 
around town, and we really liked him. 
While we were talking to Bob, in walked 
this strange-looking guy in two differ- 
ent-colored sneakers. One was orange 
and one was red. We had chairs in the 
back lined up so you could come in and 
sit and wait for your turn. Gompletely 
oblivious to the fact that we were sull 
talking to Bob, this new guy plugged 
into the Marshall amplifier and start- 
ed playing. “Hey.” I said, “are you out 
of your mind? Sit down and wait a 
second, will you?” It was like he didn't 
even hear me. He just kept playing. We 
excused Bob and told him we would 
call him later. We sat this new guy 
down. “You'd better be good,” I said. 
“because two notes into it, if you suck, 
you're out on your ass.” We played him 
Deuce twice, and the third time he 
got ready to play his solo. And it just 


fit. Here was this troublemaker who 
couldn't match his sneakers and didn't 
have the good manners to wait his 
turn, and he just fit. 

“Whar's your name?” I asked. He 
said it was Paul Frehley. “Well,” I sai 
“we can't have two Pauls in the band 

At that point, he turned around and 
said. “Call me Ace 

1 said, “Call me King.” 
Neither was he 


1 wasn't jok- 


FE WITH CHER 


1 met Cher in 1978 at a party Neil 
Bogarı was throwing for Casablanca 
Records. | didn't really know any of the 
other people there—I knew some by 
face and by reputation but not person- 
ally. At some point in the evening I 
found myself talking to Cher. 1 intro- 
duced myself, and she didn't believe 1 
was who I said 1 was. It turned out that 
her daughter. Chastity, was a Kiss fan 
and had encouraged her mother to go 
to the party because she knew Gene 
Simmons would be there. But Cher ap- 
parently had it in her mind that she 
would be meeting Jean Simmons, the 
actress. She didn't make the connection. 

Atthat time, 1 was starting to think of 
ideas for my solo album. I thought it 
would be great if I could get Cher to 
sing on it 

At the end of the night, I went over 
to her place. Normally, this would have 
meant one thing and one thing only, 
but in this case it meant something else 
entirely. We were back at her house, 
and before I knew it we were talking 
about our lives, where we had come 
from, what we were like as children. I 
started to feel the presence of another 
person in the conversation. This was a 
strange feeling for me. She was smart, 
interesting and funny. At that moment 
I set aside any thoughts of it turning in 
to something sexua 

The night went on. we kept talking 
about things—her life, my Ше, my rec- 
ord. 1 remember the hot chocolate be- 
cause she put marshmallows in it, which 
I had never seen before. She seemed 
interested in the fact that even though 
I was а rock-and-roller, I could put a 
sentence together, and also by the fact 
that I was straight and had never been 
drunk. Cher had just come out of a re- 
lationship with Gregg Allman, who re- 
portedly had a serious substance abuse 
problem. Cher was always anudrug. 

Early the next morning—five or six 
o'clock—she drove me back to L’Er- 
mitage Hotel, where 1 was staying. We 
parted and agreed we should talk more 
about my solo record. I felt there was 
something brewing, and I wanted to 
see if she was interested in going out 
that evening. She said she was going to 
see the Tubes. “Great.” I said. “What 
time do you want me to pick you up?” 


She explained she had already invited 


e Jackson. who at the 


her friend Kat 
time was on Charlie's Angels. 1 didn't 
know Kate, but it was fine with me. 
Usually at a concert, 1 would arrive 
with the audience and leave with the 
audience. But this was diflerent. When 
we went backstage, it was awkward 
Some of the Tubes were taken with 
Cher. so Т sat in the corner and talked 
with Kate, Finally, the backstage party 
was over, and we got in the car 10 go 
home. On the way back you could have 
heard a pin drop. Back at the house. 
when Cher finally spoke, she exploded 
She told me she didnt take very kind- 
ly to being ignored. especially when 
I was coming on to her girlfriend 
I was speechless. When I tried to talk 
to her about it, she told me she never 
wanted to see me again 

In retrospect, 1 realize I should have 
been more aware. But | was oblivious 
to that kind of thing, because 1 hadn't 
had any real relationships. and because 
the whole jealousy thing was foreign to 
me. I wasn't accustomed to having con- 
versations about how somebody else 
felt. Pm an only child. My mother came 
from incredible hardship: She was in 
the concentration camps. | grew up 
poor. 1 was happy if 1 had something to 
cat. For me, that was the beginning and 
the end of everything. If wanted com- 
panionship, I'd get companionship. If 
1 was tired, I went to sleep. Life was 
good, simple and straightforward. But 
at first with Cher it was neither simple 
nor straightforward. 1 called her from 
the hotel and said 1 was going to New 
York to work on a record, and that 1 
would call her when I got there. “Fine,” 
she said. “I can't talk to you now." 

On my way to New York, and after 
І arrived, I was still thinking about 
her. Cher was on my mind a tremen- 
dous amount. During the day I kept 
calling her, under the pretense that | 
wanted her to sing on my record. We 
would speak for hours on end and 1 
found her fascinating. Our conversa- 
tions usually got personal pretty fast 
Early in our relationship she had me 
talking about the situation with Kat 
and how she was angry that 1 had 
en attention to another woman. Thi 
seemed fair to me. It made sense. 

One night while | was in the compa- 
ny of a beautiful young woman, the 
phone rang. It was Cher. She wanted to 
know when I was coming back to Cali- 
fornia. She wanted to know when we 
could sit down and talk about the rec- 
ord. So then we started talking about 
us again—about Cher's feelings. about 
what she wanted [rom me. It was a 
strange situation made stranger by the 
fact that there was this beautiful girl 
in the other room waiting for me. I 

(continued on page 180) 


“Ye gods! You still here?” 


THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT 
CARNAL CONGRESS 
Twenty-five years ago, Representative 
Wayne Hays was fingered by his non- 
typing secretary and mistress, Eliza- 
beth Ray. Now the media feast on 
Congressman Gary Condit and 
his alleged amours, notably the 
missing Chandra Levy and (in- 
set) the flighty Anne Marie Smith. ~~ 


WERE OUTSIDE THE DC. ЕРТЕГ 
enorme | 
FOR fin Yo CONE ONT SO we CAN 

А neo nm 


MY TRACK AND PEELED 
Rios, - 

m “ed rom Cal Sate- JESUS, MARY AND RUDY 
\ Fullerton's track A hero when tragedy struck New York, 
i team for moon- Mayor Rudolph Giuliani recovered civic 
4 lighting as a strip- affection he'd lost after public snits over 
per, was rein- Brooklyn Museum exhibits—first an ele- 
| stated— but phant dung Virgin Mary, then photogra- 
‘academic ineli- pher Renee Cox’ portrait of herself as a 
| 
| 
| 


| gibility kept naked Jesus at the Last Supper. 
| | herfrom doing 


more laps. Last Supper art is last straw 


Mayor Rudolph Gulî [ — — ——— 
fy > Pe = 

ö Bee 
A Y E - = 3 


M ч 


CRUISE IN FOR 

A BRUISIN’ 

When Mr. Cruise dumped 
the Mrs., she suspected 
his Vanilla Sky co-star Pe- 
nélope Cruz had some- 
thing to do with it —mak- 
ing Tom and Nicole the 
poster couple for Fortu- 
noff's novelty wedding-cake topper of a 
battling bride and groorn. 


a quarter century 


of nudes and boobs 
proves some things 


never change 


DAUGHTER OF A 
PREACHER MAN 


We bet it got ugly when Jackie Jackson 
learned that her husband, the Reverend 
Jesse, had fathered a child with ex-aide 


Karin Stanford (inset). On the 
Internet, a mock MasterCard 
ad blasted Jesse for counseling 
President Clinton while masking 
his own ejaculate conception. 


WHAT'S NU? 
What's with this scene from 
Tom Ford's Parisian launch par- 
ty for YSL's Nu perfume? Well, 
in French the word nu means 
nude. It comes from the Latin 
for nyuk nyuk nyuk. 


Unconventional Zam- 
bian Catholic Arch- 
bishop Emmanuel 
Milingo got into hot 
holy water by marry- 
ing South Kore- 
an doc Maria 
= Sung in a Moon- 
ie wedding. A 
peeved pope 
had him recant. 


POPE TO BISH: 
THAT'S CELIBATE, 
NOT CELEBRATE! 


TITS-A-POPPIN’ 


Who needs radio bad boys Opie 
and Anthonys Whip'em Out 
Wednesdays? The fallout is every- 
where, viz.: (1) Juliette Binoche; (2) 
Donna D'Errico; (3) Lady Victoria 
Hervey; (4) eager bridesmaid; 
(5) and (6) models Molly Sims, 
Gisele Bundchen; (7) Pam Ander- 
son; (8) spring breaker; (9) Alexan- 


dra Holden; (10) XFL fan; (11) Julie Bowen; 
(12) starlet in Cannes. 


Se 


2 адай 


WHE ie M 


; A FRENCH TWIST 

d ae Miss France, Flodie Gos- 
x in | suin, battled rumors that 

BILL AND HILL she was playing The Cry- 

HIT THE BOOKS ing Game. 

The press still has Bill and Hillary Clinton to kick around, thanks 


in part to Denise Rich, the ex-wife of pardoned fugitive Marc Rich 
CANADA'S BUSH LEAGUE Meanwhile, both Clintons have received mega-advances for their 
Another of our faves: Cana- memoirs. Popular title suggestions for Bill's autobiography: With a 
dian Prime Minister Pierre Thong in My Heart and Crouching Intern, Hidden Cigar. 
Trudeau's then wife, Maggie, 


sans culotte at Studio 54. 


| NOW YOU SEE IT... 
Censors hit ads for Candie's shoes 
(1), removing condom and butt crack 
(1a); Claudia Schiffer's poster (2) 
drew protests in Copenhagen; YSL 
ads, with model flashing in French 
Vogue (3) but not in the U.S. edition 
(3a); and Sophie Dahl's billboard for 
Opium (4), banned in Britain. 


ta 


WIFE TO HAN: 
GO SOLO, MIO! 
Melissa Mathison, tired 
of husband Harrison 
Ford's reported booz- 
ing and womanizing, 
used the force and filed 
for legal separation. 


HARRISON FOR 
$200 MILLION 
DIVORCE SHOCKER r 


ы 
WE'RE DUMPING OUR 
MAIDENFORM STOCK 
The no-bra look triumphs with (1) Italian 
actress Francesca Dellera, (2) Renée 
Zellweger, (3) Gwyneth Paltrow, (4) Jen- 
nifer Lopez, (5) Serena Scott Thomas, 
(6) Leonor Varela, (7) Hilary Swank, (8) n 
James King, (9) Joely Richardson (with 1 c 
her co-star in the play Madame 
~ Melville, Macaulay GG 1 
v ^ Culkin). de y 


yg > HES me Й 
Г A Kr E 6 ON 
SA e 
Se 


ABSENCE MAKES MERRY WIDOW 
к. THE МЕЕ GO Will there be a Marshall Plan 
У YONDER for Anna Nicole Smith? After 
e In filing for di- a judge in LA awarded her 


$474 million from the estate 
of hubby J. Howard Marshall 
ll, a Texas jury denied her 
the cash. Then the original 
judge voided that 

last verdict. Pend- 
ing is anew 
appeal, in 
California. 


vorce, Phylicia 

(The Cosby Show) 

Rashad cited aban- 

“a 5 donment. Seems 
2 her sportscaster 

/ hubby, Ahmad, was 


never home. At least 
the plea didn't air on 
live television, as his 
marriage proposal 
had before a Lions. 
Jets game on Thanks- 
giving Day 1985. 


TM ALLOWE! ; ) 
THE (3) ONE wire’ UD OF | j 
Ik , m "| E Nag 
Moros why Hizzoner ! 4 3 | y Hi ge 
Here's 7) over town ale 5 ; i AL 7 4 


‘sleeping 


THREE’S NOT COMPANY! 
Scenes from Gracie Mansion: Hizzoner Giuliani in Rock. zi - 
ette drag at a press corps show, and a court's refusal to 

allow his "very good friend" Judith Nathan to live in the —m 6 
mayoral abode as long as his estranged wife, Don- Г 
na Hanover, was still residing there 


E^ 


Ae POE ary 
TUE ret pv 


0 NAME THAT NAVEL 


Belly buttons ore ou! ond about. Can you ID these awesome omphali? 


BLOW THE MAN DOWN 
Hugh Grant's encounter with protes- 
sional fellatrix Divine Brown foreshad- 
owed his split from Elizabeth Hurley. A Tara Reid 

B. Kylie Bax 

C. Christina Aguilera Н. John Cameron "Hedwig" Mitchell 
D. Anna Kournikova L Eve 

E- Shannon Elizabeth J: Carmen Electra 


ARSE FOR ART'S SAKE 
You saw it here first: a Da- 
vid Duchovny butt print, 
created by wife Téa Leoni 
and auctioned for $3500 
on behalf of the charity 
Farm Sanctuary. 


NUDES BULLETINS OFF BASINGER 
O Canada! Naked News, at 6 million Alec Baldwin's 


hits a month an Internet phenomenon, short fuse. liberal- 
is no flash in the pan: It has logged on ly chronicled 
as a PLAYBOY pictorial and a pay-per- inthe 


view cable TV show. tabloid 
à press, 
finally got 
to Kim Ba- 
singer, who filed 
for divorce, citing 
that sturdy catch- 
all “irreconcilable 
differences.” 


-ABERCROMBIE 


TRAM crack IN THE ICE 


Make an “undignified move" like this, 
KM and the International Skating Union 
says judges will deduct a tenth of _ 
a point from your score. 


‚latest Se 
' gets rid; t 
last, of those “ 
annoying 
panty fines. 


FUSS ON ABUS 
After touring the country with live cameras 
aboard, the VoyeurBus came to a screech- 
ing halt in Manhattan, where cops busted its 
occupants for disorderly conduct. 


LUST-SEE TV 
Sex rules in (1) France's Loft Story; 
(2) HBO's Sopranos: Fox' Tempta- 
tion Island, with (3) Lola Corwin, 
an early evacuee; (4) Show- 
time's Queer as Folk; CBS' Sur- ff 

vivor 2, after which (5) Amber ` 

Brkich picked our cover girl (6) Jerri 
Manthey as girl most likely to succeed with 
her; and (7) Playboy TV's 7 Lives Xposed. 


STARR-CROSSED LOVERS 
We miss Bill, Monica, Elizabeth Gra- 
cen and Inspector Javert. 


“SURV 2 
‘STOLE RVIVOR 2s 


Tenn SEN 
| vo ЧА TONIGHT! Edo 


бай Nudes Network 7 
Bree m ‘Blue’ anchor L 


COLOR HER BLUE 
Tongues wagged and cable fans thrilled when nudes 
of CNN news anchor Andrea Thompson surfaced in 
Black and White magazine. That was before she 
learned to do color commentary. 


CRAZY LIKE A FOX 
Despite confessing that sex 
with tesbian partner Ellen 
DeGeneres was her best 
ever, Anne Heche got preg- 
nant and married camera- 
man Coley Laffoon. 


PARLIAMENT'S 
LOSS, OUR GAIN 
Jordan, arguably Brit- 
ain's reigning Page 3 
Girl, ran for the House 
of Commons on a plat- 
fogm_of fr 
BACKFIELD IN MOTION as gémenis jor all, Sad 
Mighty cheeky of them: The Sun's usual- % 4ly- Jordan-datnered a - 
ly topless Page 3 Girls drop trou for char- ) mere.713 votes, about 
ity at a British football match. “enough. tofillan A сир. _ 


TOS 


“Where have you been? I looked all over for you when my Viagra kicked in!” 


child. | would often play with my- 
¡dl know wai | 


avery sensual 
liked the feeling. А 


od. | mean, | di 
ember iS that! 


s old. Lused to doit 


1 was 
self because it telt got 
„all rem! 


in school al 
“Julie, what ar 


get a good feel 
gasm. When you 


was and end 
an accident. 


you get on 

ym like, “Yeah, 
sure | did.” utl 
sure didn't. 


GET MOREIN d 
TI ^u 
MORENA TÉ wT Su 


136 


| n 
| 


That Was The 


Yd 
BUD 


the last 12 months coughed up fears, loathings and ironies. here are just a few 


IN Aol 


JC 


и 


“If we're їо win this war.” 
We trust he knows it’s rights like those 
That we are fighting for. 


RUDY GIULIANI 
After years of pettiness, o 
Tontrums, pique ond whining, 


His city's silver lining? 


Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell—they’re back, and 
In a Mideast fight 

Much like before. Thus we implore 

Them: This time, end it right. 


NET 
Traitors, lost files, terrorists— 
It oll called for a shake-up 
More drastic than the Bureou'd seen 
Since Hoover changed his mokeup. 


Reality TV. 


le must give up some rights,” John said, 


Who knew that he'd come through to be 


Survivor and its ilk were hits 
Till New York's tragedy. 
Now, the last thing we crave is 


IE IMA 
When hunting vicious animals 
Who've fed on something rotten, 
The rule, we learned, is tread with care— 
Don't step in their Bin Laden. 


> = 
ILLUSTRATIONS BY SEBASTIAN KRÜGER 


DRUGS 


E ECONOMY 


“Make ecstasy o felony” 
Not long aga, when asked about They said. “That should be dauntin’ 
A downturn, pundits scoffed. To those abusing outlaw drugs. 


We'd ask them what they'd say today f / 
But gee, they've been laid off. 


Now, where’s our OxyContin?” 


THE HUMAN GENOME BARRY BONDS 

“We've cracked the human genome; now Seventy-three home runs: a feat 

Of life we'll be the masters!” You couldn't help admire 

Crowed science, which gave us A-bombs, smog (Unless you were о pitcher or a 

And similar disosters. Guy named Mark McGuire). 
EPIDEMICS 


Anthrox, smallpox, mad cow, plague: We're 
So freaked by diseases; 

Screw Kleenex, we grab gas masks now 
When someone near us sneezes. 


ت 
BOY SCOUTS‏ 
They banned all gays, then were amazed J‏ 
By protests everywhere—‏ 

For which, despite their motto, 
The Boy Scouts were not prepared. 


137 


CHARGE THE DRINKS, 
RENT THE BED, STEAL 
THE GIRL—BE SURE TO 
BUY THE RIGHT CLOTHES 


FASHION BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


This page, left to right: Roy wears a suit 
by Bill Blass and shirt and tie by Boss 
Hugo Boss. Saying hello is Rachid, in a 
coat and trousers by Bill Blass, polo by 
LaCoste and shoes by Terra Plana. Carl 
arrive in a Bill Blass coat, Giorgio Ar- 


mani suit, Axis shirt and Skechers shoes. 
His suitcase is by Andiamo. 


h, the holidays. Who needs 
sleep? You can catch some z's 
after the Rose Bowl. This is the 
year-end finale, the time when 
you blow three months of sav- 

ings in three days. You make the pilgrimage 
back home to impress family and friends, you 
put yourself up in a deluxe hotel and then you 
step out in clothes that make no bigger a 
splash than Rudolph pissing on the roof 
When you head out to party, you need styles 
to make your exes swoon and your mom's 
friends jealous. Time to adopt a loose ele- 
gance. Bright ties pep up the muted hues of 
classic fabrics. Overcoats are shorter. Details 
distinguish chic—so sweat the small stuff, be- 
cause there's one other tradition that livens 
up the holidays: single girls looking for love. 
That chicklette who just walked into the hotel 
bar? You could be her stocking stuffer. 


This page, left to right: Adia makes her 
entrance in an outfit by Peter Som and 
boots by Stuart Weitzman. Shine shakes 

a jacket, shirt and trousers by New 
Man, belt by Johnston and Murphy and 
shoes by Terra Plana. Sabina is in a Boss 
Hugo Boss suit and Diego Della Valle san- 
dats. Her duffel is by Ghurka. 


a. 


PRODUCED BY JOE DOLCE 
PHOTOGRAPHED BY FRANCESCA SORRENTI 


Left to right: Carl scans the lobby in a sweater, 
shirt and pants by Paul Stuart. His briefcase iS 
by Giorgio Armani. Bonnie uses her Palm Pilot 
as an excuse to hang out and look for some ta 
ent. She wears a coatdress by Chanel. Roy 
checking in, wears a tweed overcoat by John 
Varvatos and turtleneck by NY Based. His um“ 
by Ghurka. Gary is Ina suit; shirt and = 
by Baldessarini Hugo Boss and shoes by 
Cole-Haan. His valise is by Ghurka. 


These days, even a swank gala 


isn't necessarily a penguin pa- 
rade. It’s about tuxedos 


Left to right: багу} 
к vest and bow 
by Betsey Johnson and 
by Manolo Blahnik. 
dinner jacket and wool tro sers 
by Kiton, tuxedo 


Stuart and Ла һу Оте, e 


Opposite page: She's 
looking to have a night- 
cap in a dress by Charles 
Chang Lima and shoes by 
Christian Louboutin. His 
tux shirt is by Lorenzini, 
tux pants by Axis, belt 

by Gianni Versace and 
watch by Skagen. This 
page: The amenities of 
this hotel are getting her 
wet. He's in pants by Ben 
Sherman and belt by Tori- 
no. His watch is by Pia- 
get. Stowed on rear ledge 
are aftershave by Very 
Valentino and facial wash 
and moisturizer by Cerru- 
ti Image. Near are cologne 
by Cerruti Image and razor 
by Mach 3. (Her earrings 
are by Fred Leighton.) 


WHERE AND HOW TD BUY DN PAGE #70. 


Dan Patrick 


PLAYBOY'S 


sports’ desk jockey on felonies, strip clubs and 
why basketball players are the best athletes 


Y ears ago I said, ‘Twenty-four-hour 
Sports? That can't work," Dan Pat- 
rick recalls. Patrick has watched the field 
grow through more than a decade as anchor 
of Sportscenter, through his five-and-a-half- 
year partnership with Keith Olbermann on 
The Big Show and through his weekday ra- 
dio program, play-by-plays and interviews 

“We've kind of forced our way into Amer- 
icana,” he says. “There was this little group 
of people who watched and loved it and ap- 
preciated it, and then it just mushroomed.” 

Patrick dreamed jock dreams early. He 
was named an all-state basketball player as 
a high school senior in Ohio, and played 
baseball well enough to go to the Cincinnati 
Reds" tryout camp. 

"I was kind of on the periphery of being a 
good athlete," he recalls. 

After college he did a stint in radio in Day- 
ton, then auditioned for a weekend tele- 
viston job in the city. When he didn't land 
the position, Patrick took a vacation to At- 
lanta—uith a resume tape in his luggage. 
CNN put him on the air. After five years 
with that network, he jumped to ESPN. 

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker 
met Patrick at ESPN's Bristol, Connecticut 
headquarters. Kalbacker reports, “Patrick 
was putting in one of his marathon days: a 
three-hour radio show, followed by an eve- 
ning of writing and broadcasting Sportscen- 
ter. He took breaks from his preparations to 
answer questions, and he followed up after 
Sportscenter with a wide-ranging conversa- 
tion. When we got around to talking about 
his own baseball experience and he men- 
tioned, ‘1 can throw all right, throw 82 miles 
an hour,’ 1 noticed immediately he wasn't 
using past tense." 


1 


PLAYBOY: You've anchored Sportscenter 
for 13 years. Does the fuego still burn in 
the belly when you go on the 
PATRICK: The fire is still there because 
the games change and the stars change 
When Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn 
leave the game, you wait for the next 
wave of players to grab the mantle. 1 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY JACK GUY 


like seeing this constant transition in 
sports. 1 like that infusion of youth be- 
cause it means energy and enthusiasm 
and unpredictability. I was fortunate 
that at the age of 12 1 knew what I 
wanted to do. I was cutting out pictures 
in Sports Illustrated —not the swimsuit 
edition. I cut them out before my dad 
could get home to read the magazine. 1 
had to get those pictures up because 
they were fresh. He eventually got me 
my own subscription. I used to go to 
parties and I'd have the guys ask me 
sports trivia questions. You had to 
stump me to leave the party. I wouldn't 
let anybody leave, Women would just 
hate me. Finally my wife—who was 
y girlfriend at the time—would say, 
Why don't you miss a question? Mary 
Beth really wants to go home." 


2 


t the sports highlight—your 
trademark—in context. Has it changed 
our approach to sports? Have we been 
seduced by the big play at the expense 
of nuance? 

PATRICK: The highlight has changed 
how we view and play sports, and we're 
partially to blame. We send the mes- 
sage that you have to be able to dunk. 
We highlight the obvious—the dunk, a 
home run, a touchdown—when there's 
so much more to the game. But chicks 
dig the long ball, TV digs the long 
ball, the commissioner digs the long 
ball. Mark McGwire is not a better 
all-around baseball player than Barry 
Bonds, but McGwire gets 20 times the 
media exposure that Bonds does. Mc- 
Gwire is a better-than-average first 
baseman, but all you know about him 
is home runs. People forget Michael 
Jordan was the greatest defender who 
ever played the game, aside from Bill 
Russell. He could rebound, but he par- 
layed the dunks into becoming Air Jor- 
dan, this one-person media conglom- 
erate. We have identified that bite-size 
portion of a sport or a game and said, 


PLAYBOY 


“This is what it's all about." We show 
three home runs, but maybe we missed 
three double plays that wiped out po- 


tential rallies. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Along with the highlights and 
scores, Sportscenter has reported mur- 
der indictments, alleged rapes and as- 
saults and even a jury selection story. 
We thought it was your ambition to 
be a sportscaster, not to cover the po- 
lice bear. 

PATRICK: You can watch Sportscenter 
some nights and ask if anything good 
happened. You have to look harder to 
find your joy in sports. You have to sit 
through murders and drugs and fi 
ings. Well, if a guy's going to jail or 
somebody's dying, itis more important 
than a shutout by Greg Maddux or Rog- 
er Clemens. The stories—rape, steroid 
abuse, cocaine—have been there and 
people looked the other way. We tend 
to cordon off sports from the rest of 
the world and say, Hey, it’s our play 
ground. Now the playground is be- 
coming a rap sheet. I listen to lawyers 
now, and try to pick up on what they re 
saying, because I’m going to have to 
use that through the course of the day. 


4 


PLAYBOY: As a conscientious reporter, 
have you investigated some of the ven- 
ues where athletes tend to go astray? 

PATRICK: Strip clubs would be a 
place to start. I said to my wile. 
15 minutes, what do you do th 
Some athletes can't enjoy life the way 
we enjoy it. It's got to be excessive— 
bigger, stronger, faster. It’s got to feed 
the machine that they are. We can get a 
kick out of playing 18 holes at Pebble 
Beach. But they would need more than 
that—" Let's bet $1000 a hole." The 
lifestyle they lead is not normal to us. 
That's where you have to be careful. 
You're going (continued on page 148) 


145 


 SSHORSIN 


sa starr, don't be intimidated by the jargon. 

The terminology of race berting and types of 

wagers turns out to be simple. Make a wın bet 

e and vou cash in if your horse wins the race. 

You collect on a PLACE bet if your horse finishes first or 
second. A cautious and conservative bettor may prefer a 
sow wager. which brings a return if your horse finishes 
first. second or third. That payoff is usually the smallest 
of the three popular wagers, but chalk it up to the rela- 
tionship between risk and reward. 

Combination wagers can generate large payofls. EXC- 
TA or PERFECTA bets need the correct order of finish for 
the first two horses. If the six horse beats the two horse 
: and you played a 6-2 Exacta, you're a winner. TRIFECTA 
z bets add rhe third-place finisher, and st PERFECTA bets, 

the third- and fourth-place finishers. Obviously. they re 
: tougher co hir, but risk and reward work big time in che 
А favor of the player. 

Most racetracks also feature DMLY DOUBLE, PICI 
PICK FOUR Or PICK SIN bets. Here the wagers are spread out 
a series of different races, ranging from picking two 


and even Pick Nine at some tracks. 
GETTING STARTED 
Respect the knowledge 
of horseplayers 
who spend hours 
deciphering 


Bry 
Dear y tap 
Chani v 


niu 
NCE Fon е 


Case 


APRIMER ON PARI-MUTUEL BETTING 


reams of dara on class, track conditions and other vari- 
ables in an attempt to separate contenders from pre- 
tenders. The horses that garner the best figures are 
made favorites when they receive support at the bet- 
ting windows. 

Favorites win about one of every three races but fin- 
is the money nearly two thirds of the time. Get start- 
ed with small across-the-board (equal amounts to win, 
place and show) bets on the favorite. Or bet on the fü- 
vorite to place, allowing for the fact that upsers happen 
more often than we think. 

‘Take it one step further and use the favorite as the 
basis for an exacta bet. A “wheel” puts a horse in the 
exacta on top of all other starters (it can also be pur in 
the second position underneath its rivals). If a long 
shor comes in with a solid winning favorite, you can 
get a sweet payoff. 


STICK WITH TH 


ADERS 


Anyone who participates in fantasy sports lea 
tries to draft the best players. That same approach can 
be used to advantage at the ra Focus оп hors 
den by leading jockevs or saddled by top trainers. There 
are usually about 50 jockevs plying their trade on a regu- 
lar basis at any track in the country, but customarily the 
top 10 riders at any locale win abour 75 percent of the 
races. There are far more trainers running stables on 
the backstretch than jockeys available to ride. but the 
top 10 horsemen usually saddle more than 60 percent 
of the daily winners. Certain jockeys and trainers often 
work magically together, Many programs offer 
daily updates on the most successful 
combinations. and some pro- 
vide winning percentages 
that make thar horse almost a 
must-play whenever it races. 


ANAME AND 
NUMBERS GAME 


Plain luck can pay off, too. 
Using the numbers in your 
age or street address in an Cx- 
acta, trifecta or daily double 
bet is fun and easy. А 24- 
year-old fan can box his or 
her age in every exacta ( 
244-2). The world-record 
daily double payoff of 
$27,985.80 was won by a 
grandmother from Harris- 


The author's un- 
cashed $2 ticket 
(left) from the 
day that Seattle 


Slew won the burg, Pennsylvania on 
енна July 11. 1975 at Penn Na- 

and racing's E 
Triple € 4 se Race С au she "T 
You can wager Det the ages of her grandchil- 
nationwide at dren for che only winning 3- 


PlayboyRacingUSA.com. 12 combina 


ED LIPRIN 


“She felt a little guilty for not bringing anything to the party!” 


147 


PLAYBOY 


148 


Dan Patrick 
(continued from page 145) 
into a gray area where you ask for trou- 
ble. I don't like socializing with ath- 
letes. If you're with them, you're doing 
what they're doing, and what they're 
doing could be wrong. Or they can 
misconstrue that as being their buddy, 
Athletes want to talk about themselves. 
There's no give-and-take in the con- 
versation. They're not curious about 


you. The athlete's motto is, “Nobody 
likes me like I like me.” 

5 
PLAYBOY: Go ahead, replay a personal 


career highlight. 
PATRICK: During the 1993 NBA West- 
ern Conference finals, the Phoenix 
Suns were playing against Seattle. Dan 
Majerle had just picked up some mon- 
ey off the floor because he was betting 
with a teammate. Then Majerle said to 

“Do you want a piece of me?” Six 
months earlier, we'd shot three-point- 
ers before an exhibition game and he 
beat me and I'd said I wanted a re- 
match. I said, “I can't shoot now, I got 
dress shoes and a suit on.” And he says, 
“Oh, you're afraid of me.” Then Suns 
coach Paul Westphal told me if I want- 
ed to shoot, he'd hold up practice. So 1 
took off my sports coat, tucked my tie 
into my pants. I took five warm-up 
shots, and I beat him. The next night 
he hit eight threes against the Sonics 
and he said it was the worst and best 
two days of his life—to be embarrassed 
by a member of the media and then to 
go out and hit eight threes. He's still a 
great sport about it. He allowed me to 
do it, with all his teammates watching. L 
rooted for him when he hit those eight 
threes. That was a fun stroll down 
memory lane. You always think you 
have one bullet left. Majerle said it gave 
me more credibility because then play- 
ers knew this guy could play a litle bit. 
There was no money involved. 


6 


PLAYBOY: In the dark recesses of Dan 
Patrick's closet, would there be a store 
of team-logo wear? 

PATRICK: I'm logo free. But I don't 
mind the advertising if it will pay for 
the ballpark. The fans should not be 
held up for ransom to pay for a ball- 
park. They don't have any control over 
when that may be taken away from 
them. The owners can just take it away. 
If owners claim they're losing money, 
show the books. 1 cannot buy into the 
fact that if an owner made billions in 
business, he loses millions in sports. 
And if you want me to pay for your sta- 
dium, I need some kind of security 
blanket that says you're not going to 


leave with your team in the middle of 
the night. Why do stadiums become 
antiquated after 20 years? Wrigley 
Field still looks pretty good to me. 


7 


PLAYBOY: Ticket prices at sports venues 
have increased. Do you foresee a time 
when owners will build and the fans 
won't come? 

PATRICK: One day the golden goose 
dies. I don't know if it’s going to hap- 
pen anytime scon. People keep paying. 
I love minor league baseball because 1 
know ГЇЇ get my money's worth as far 
as the level of play. They will try hard 
even though 90 percent of them aren't 
going to the majors. I guess the only 
way you can make your voice heard is 
by not going. Watch it on TV. It's un- 
fortunate to say that because there's no 
greater feeling than going to a ballpark 
or stadium and enjoying and celebrat- 
ing with everyone else. But we're tak- 
ing that away from a lot of people. It's 
big business that goes. At the old Chica- 
go Stadium you had a great crowd be- 
cause it wasn't corporate. They were 
fans. There's a big difference between 
corporate and regular fans, maybe not 
in understanding, but in appreciating 
and watching and celebrating the game 


8 


PLAYBOY: Define “Balls to the wall." 

PATRICK: Not leaving anything on the 
field. Irs just all-out, full frontal. Balls 
to the wall may be a Nascar term. It 
embodies what Nascar is all about. It's 
huge and their fans are loyal. Hockey 
fans are extremely loyal. If hockey 
players drove cars, they would be 
Nascar drivers. Nascar fans will pick up 
and go root for their driver. They will 
wear what that driver wears, drink 
what that driver drinks, eat whatever 
he’s endorsing. They're rabid and they 
don't care if you understand or like 
their sport. It’s even better if you don't 
You look at these drivers and ask if 
they're athletes. They are—to handle 
those cars, to be able to drive with bro- 
ken arms, broken legs, banged up. It 
doesn't matter to them, There's that 
mentality. But | even said to Dale Earn- 
hardı, “Drive 500 miles with kids in 
the backseat screaming ‘I want a Hap- 
py Meal’ and I'll show you an athlete.” 
There is a certain fascination about 
what Nascar drivers do, down to some- 
thing as minuscule as how they go to 
the bathroom in those suits after 500 
miles. Answer: They go in their suits 
And imagine if you hold a grudge 
somebody, which some of them 
do. They have a weapon in their hands 
traveling at 100-plus miles per hour. So 
it's fascinating. Do I understand it? No. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Does America still have prob- 
lems with outspoken athletes? 
PATRICK: It's usually black athletes por- 
trayed by white media. In some cases, 
it's the white media that are out of 
touch. Charles Barkley told me that 
white America is afraid of black ath- 
letes. They do things we can't do. They 
talk a certain way and dress a certain 
ay. Lasked NBA Commissioner David 
Stern if he asked his kids or his staff 
about what players are saying or wear- 
ing. He told me he needs to do that 
so he doesn't take something out of con- 
text. He doesn't understand everything, 
This expression by African American 
athletes is a sense of achievement 
There are certain athletes who speak 
for their people or upbringing or their 
rights. We look at them and sometimes 
we want them to change, That's how I 
originally felt about Allen Iverson. You 
look at him with the cornrows and tat- 
toos and you're trying to understand 
him and there's part of you that says, 
conform to us. And then I realized 1 
was making a mistake. 1 needed to con- 
form to him more than asking him 
to understand us or be like us. I feel 
strongly about that. I don't agree 
everything he does or says or how he 
looks, but I certainly understand it— 
or try to. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Care to debunk the term role 
model? 

PATRICK: ЇЇ you are selling a product 
to my children, you're a role model, 
whether you want to be or not. The key 
is that we let them. Kids are always 
around Dad, but they don't see Ken 
Griffey Jr. or Cal Ripken on bad days. 
Athletes are unfairly criticized because 
we place this added burden on them. 
Does somebody tell Bruce Springsteen 
or Madonna to be a role model: We 
celebrate the fact that some entertain- 
ers aren't role models. Imagine if Babe 
Ruth played now. The media would just 
chew him up. The political correctness 
police would be all over Babe Ruth. 


1l 


praveov: Once and for all, who are the 
best all-around athletes? 

varrrck: Basketball players are the best 
athletes because they incorporate ev- 
erything that athletes do in most other 
sports: running, jumping, hand-eye 
coordination, strength, endurance. 
nd they're larger guys. Hakeem Ola- 


juwon was a soccer goalie, and he's a 


center in the NBA. Imagine if Karl 
Malone wanted to play defensive tackle 
in the NEL. I know people say that 

(continued on page 174) 


шщ» 
|‚ (Prva Pry EW 


aroundup of the past delightful dozen 


HERE ARE difficult decisions and there are really difficult decisions, 

and this one falls into the later category. Only one of the 12 

beautiful women on these pages will win Playmate of the Year 

2002, and we want to know who you think deserves the crown. 

ou think will skin ahead of 

[һе Golden Globes party 

migrant? The Cana 

nger? The Baywatch beauty? 

Even though choosing one Playmate will be a challenge, we've made 
the process easier than ever this year with our online capabili 


Indicate your choice for Playmate of the Year at Playboy.com. 


Miss May 


CRISTA NICOLE 


Crista has a new boyfriend and 
is se 


she continues 
modeling. "| want to model for 
another five c C years and 
lake psychology classes on the 
“ve done cata- 
ions for com- 


traveling to the East Coast for 
pravboy.” So what coun 
eager Lo pose ^I was model- 
ing ауруу 's new line о! shoes 


on my dad's 
Germany, so I'm dying to go.” 


Miss January 


IRINA VORONINA 


Since becoming a Playmate and 
posing as a Hard Rock girl on 
the April cover of pLavboy, this 
Vall glass of vodka has im 


a work visa. bi 
family in Ru 
love the U. 


and New York while con- 
for Pao. 
“Moving to LA and absorbing 
the culture has helped my 
lish improve.” she 
her adorable Natasha Nogoo 

nik accent. "I get lots of fan mail 
and write back to everyone.” 


Miss September 


DALENE KURTIS 


а Doris Dayike 
s that makes her pic- 
1. “I just modeled for 
the cover of a romance novel. 
s. Which makes perfect 
e Lo us. Wher 1 
ng acting classes or model- 
ing. Dalene keeps busy working 
on her new website and pro- 
moting рхо. 7I signed 300 
Maga: n my hometown of 
Bakersfield. California." she 
says. “I enjoy being a Playmate 
and it means a lot when fans 
write to me. | appreciate that 
guys Lake ^ out of their 

day to contact me. so | love 
replying Lo them all.” 


Miss June 


HEATHER SPYTEK 


Heather rently celebrated her 
one- wedding anniversary 
with a cruise to Mexico and the 
Caribbean. Now she's fixing up 
her new home with her hus- 
band, Marcello. in Hollywood. 
Florida. "I keep pretty busy.” 

s. “Tm a college sopho- 
more and studying to be a child 
psychologist. р. мво has been 
an exciting experience." After 
crashing the Golden Globes 
show two years ago and 
accompanying Hef's posse last 
year will Heather try foi 
Globes hat trick? “We'll see.” 
she says. giggling. “I should 
keep up the tradition!” 


Miss August 


JENNIFER WALCOTT 


After working behind the 
scenes in film craft services, 
Jennifer is getting exposure on 
the more dynamic side of 

the came he was one of the 
rls in the Sterec 
^ trippy video Have 
ind has been answer- 
casting calls. “I flew 


plic 
Vice Day 


Lo make the most of My PLAYBO! 
experience and. after that. 1 
want to go back to school 

and 
that I 


Miss November 


LINDSEY VUOLO 


rently a sopho- 


likes to chat up her 6: 
sisters about all things PLAYBOY. 
“They're like inquisitive kids 

a million question 


help pay for her 
will ask my 


has to work. still goes Lo the 
aroom. My ultimate goal is 
1o get my degree. but FII still 
model and act part-time when 
the opportunity arises.” 


Miss October 
STEPHANIE HEINRICH 


Stephanie is still living large at 
the Mansion with her pooch 


Beemer and two new addit 
1o the fami golden rel 


named Harley and a ch 
called Cheech. She appe 
Bie video and w 


news reporte 
job would oe q 


tuition? ? “Absolute! 
spent a dime of i 


Miss July 


KIMBERLEY STANFIELD 


Although she vi: 
in Vancouver ever 
Kimberley plans 
LA for a while. “I have my “own 
little house and a convertible.” 


her family 
Tew weeks. 


shed on my own, so Pye 
been trying out for movies and 
commercials. and Гуе done 
ne shoots and calen- 

7 The 20-у 
her independence by celebra 
ing her first Fourth of July at 
апѕіоп and in some of our 
here were 


“We part tied. all night.” 


Miss February 
LAUREN 
MICHELLE HILL 


Lauren, who was discovered by 
PLAYBOY al a swimsuil competi- 
эп in SL. Croix, now lives in 
LA “I'm still interested in jour- 
nalism, and I'll probably enroll 


in school here. ve 
been going on auditions and 
doing a lot of traveling.” Lau- 


rens plane was grounded dur 
ing one trip when the terroris 
attacks struck New York. “I 
rented a small motor home 
with Playmate Daphne Duplaix 
and her fa and the eight of 
us drove from Chicago to LA.” 
sol 


got Lo see parts of the c 
Га never visited bef 


Miss April 


KATIE LOMMANN 


Katie. who has 
wide range of proj- 
din 
he Man 


paigns and calendars. 
la the Ре feet Woman 


tered.” 
Кш and got qui 
lion to her 
friend, singer Michael Bolton. 
“His face had the look of a boy 
opening his firs atoy.” she 
à “IL was so cule. 


Miss Mareh 
MIRIAM GONZALEZ 


seun as а ng the oil 
paintings and went out on a 
balcony and saw snow-capped 
mountains on the left and the 
ocean on the right." she says. 71 
їп you get 
been tak- 
ing acting cla: and got fast 
and furious with pinoy promo- 
tional work at the Daytona 500 
and Winston Top 500. "When 
1 feel down, I pull out my fan 
mail.” she says. “I feel blessed 
there are people out there who 
care. I write a note to ev 
one who wriles Lo me.” 


Miss Deeember 


SHANNA MOAKLER 


malized by my Playmate inte 

view that | needed spiritu; 
guidance.” she jokes. Shanna 
has been house hunting for a 


auditioning for 
couple of big projects.” and 
record label for 
¡rl group, DVS. She’ 
ting Dennis Q 
hoping her pending $62.5 
million palimony suit again: 
former boyfriend О: 
5 out of court 
all lo move 
on with our lives.” she says. 


PLAYBOY 


AIDING & ABETTING (continued from page 120) 


“He’s having a serious cris 


The antidepressant his 


doctor prescribed i isn't working out." 


she calls the four of them. Every eve- 
ning for Holly means a serious, not 
elaborate but conscientious, dinner— 
seafood, omelettes, fresh vegetables, 
whole-grain rice, thick spiced soups— 
her reward, she says, for a day of pure- 
ly mental work performed for the ben- 
efit of strangers. But dinner will be 
delayed on those evenings when the 
calls come. The children will become 
hungry, impatient; Steven will have a 
second drink. When finally they sit 
down to eat, he'll see his pretty wife's 
melancholy eyes, the downward cast of 
her smile, and feel rage in his heart for 
the person responsible. 

By his watch, nearly 30 minutes have 
gone by. 

As Steven enters the kitchen, Holly 
is just hanging up the phone. He sees 
her wiping guiltily at her eyes. “Honey, 
was that your brother? Aga 2" Steven 
sto keep the exasperation out of his 
In the little family радиу: is 


years, 
laugh. a well-aimed kiss. Holly 
emotional parent, guek to laughter, 


etables in a large wok, “Don't ask, Sie. 
ven. Please.” 

“Of course I'm going to ask. Owen 
just called, didn't he, last Thursda: 

“Well, he's having a scrious с 
The antidepressant his doctor pre- 
scribed isn't working out. He'll have to 
switch to another drug, and he's anx- 
ious, insomniac——” Holly frowns at 
the vegetables, avoiding Steven's eyes. 
“He's all right, I think. There's no talk 
of—you know. He's just lonely. He says 
he has no one to talk with except——" 
Holly's voice wavers. She doesn’t want 
to say no one but me. 

“But why does he have to call at this 

me? He knows it's a difficult time, 
dinner, the kids ——" Steven is try- 
ing to speak reasonably. Holly stands 
at, and he realizes his brother-in- 
law has probably been calling her at 
other times, 100; possibly he calls her 
at work. But Steven isn't supposed to 
know this. 

Holly says apologetically, “Honey. 
I've tried to explain, but Owen says, `I 
don't know the time. It's a luxury to be 
conscious of clock time.” 

“What's that supposed to mean, that 
gnomic remark?” 

“He can't sleep at night. Sometimes 
he sleeps during the day, so it’s ‘night 


for day’ for him, he says. He calls when 
he gets too lonely and can't stand anoth- 
er moment of himself. He isn’t like us.” 

"Can't you explain that you're busy? 
You're tired, exhausted? You want to 
spend some time with your family?” 

“But I'm his family, Owen would say. 
His only family.” Holly speaks sharply, 
despairingly. The spatula slips from 
her fingers, falls clattering to the floor. 
Steven picks it up. “He says he’s haunt- 
ed by our mother, hears her voice with 
some of the drugs he takes. 1 wish you 
could be more sympathetic, Steven.” 

“Honey, 1 am. I try. But it’s been 
years. He's 29 years old and scems in- 
capable of growing up. He has no self- 
respect, no shame, he's never paid us 
back that $1500 he borrowed for the 
down payment on” 

"Steven, you can't be throwing that 
back on him, on me. Not now, when 
you're doing so well, we're doing so 
well. When we have everything and 
Owen has so little." 

“I do feel sympathy for him, honey." 
Steven tries to stroke Holly's hair, but 
like an offended cat, she eases away. “1 
feel very sorry for him. But I feel sorry 
for you, too. He's eating you up alive.” 

“What an ugly thing to say,” Holly 
says, shocked. For a moment the lurid 
image hovers before them in their com- 
fortable suburban kitchen: an enor- 
mous moth devouring Holly, the rail- 
thin tawny-eyed younger brother she 
has always adored and protected and 
who plays an impassioned role of ador- 
ing her. She says, tears in her eyes, 
“You just don't understand, Steven, 
how desperate Owen is. He has tried so 
hard with his art. He has tried to make 
lasting friends, he's tried to fall in love. 
Don't smile—he has! He's tried to be, 
well, normal. But ordinary life is like a 
maze for some people. It's biochemi- 
cal—he's inherited it from our moth- 
er's side of the family. He was telling 
me just now he's terrified of the future. 
He feels as if he were born with a hole 
in him—in the region of his hearı— 
that he's tried to fill, it's his duty to fill, 
and nothing will fill it.” 

“Nothing will fill it.” It’s a statement 
of Steven's, not a question. Nothing 
will fill the hole in his brother-in-law's 
leaky heart. 

Even if Owen devoured Holly, and 
Steven, and their children—nothing 
would fill it. 

But Steven doesn't say this; it's an in- 
sight that he will keep to himself. The 


last thing he wants tonight is to upset 
Holly further and ruin their family 
evening. Unlike his predator brother- 
in-law, he wants Holly to be as happy as 
she deserves. 

Now Caitlin comes bounding into 
the kitchen, eager to help Mommy, and 
Daddy has to deflect her with a task, 
setting the table. It's a game, but for 
Caitlin a risky one, for if she gets so 
much as a single fork in the wrong po- 
sition, she'll be crushed with a childish 
mortification that touches Daddy's 
heart. No one wants so desperately to 
be perfect as a four-year-old girl. 

Brandon too enters the kitchen, sim- 
ulating casualness but glancing wor- 
riedly at his parents. “What are you 
guys fighting about?” It's a joke, Bran- 
don is teasing, but underneath his teas- 
ing he’s earnest, anxious to know, so 
Mommy and Daddy protest in a single 
voice: “Fighting? Nobody's fighting." 


Those evenings when Owen tele- 
phones are the only evenings when Ste- 
yen and Holly, who have been married 
12 years, come dangerously close to dis- 
liking each other. 

Owen, all that remains of Holly's 
original family. The family that pre- 
dates the little family. 

Owen, Holly's younger brother by 
two years. As a child Owen was so much 
a household 
which both parents were alcohol- 
ics—that he came to take for granted 
sisters uncritical love, her indul- 
gence, generosity, forgiveness. And 
blindness to his faults. He has grown 
into a sneakily attractive young-aging 
man with lavishly blond-streaked hair 
trimmed up the sides, with a small pig- 
tail at the nape of his neck. Though 
he's a clerk at the Green Earth Co-Op 
and complains of having no money, he 
wears black silk shirts that hug his nar- 
row torso, stonewashed designer jeans, 
"Gifts from friends,” 
Owen explains with a droll smile. “Part- 
ing gifts.") He's shy and cheeky; he's 
self-loathing and self-absorbed. In pro- 
file he's strikingly handsome: seen 
head-on, he has a pinched, narrow fox 
face with small features, a pouty mouth 
that breaks into a smile as if on cue. 
Owen's laughter is wild and extrava- 
gant. (Brandon has begun to imitate 
this laughter, unconsciously.) Owen's 
tears spill easily. His teeth are small and 
faintly discolored, the hue of weak tea. 

"s frightened of blood and nearly 
sed once when Brandon, tum- 
bling from his tricycle in the driveway, 
had a nosebleed. In the final month of 
Holly's pregnancy with Caitlin, when 
Holly was grotesquely, comically swol- 
len, like a boa constrictor who'd swal- 
lowed a hog, Owen was hardly able to 


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161 


p sir—we've got all possible entrances covered!” 


“Don't worry, 


PLAYBOY 


162 


look at his sister without flinching. “Ow- 
en, please understand: Pregnancy isn't a 
medical patho! Holly tried to tease 
him. When Caitlin was born, he sent 
flowers but avoided seeing Holly for 
weeks, on the pretext of illness; in fact, 
as he confided in Steven, as if man-to- 
man, he dreaded seeing his sister nurs- 
ing the infant. “It’s so atavistic. Primal. It 
must hurt. Ugh!” 

Steven has to concede that he'd been 
charmed by Owen until a few years ago. 
In his early 20s Owen had been a serious 
artist, a figurative painter. That he lived 
on scholarships, fellowships, art colo- 
ny grants and occasional loans from his 
sister made sense at the time. Owen 
was young, Owen was “very promising.” 
If, in time, he came to rely upon these 
loans—of course, they were gifts—from 


Holly and her husband, this too made 
sense (and he gave them paintings—not 
always his best paintings. perhaps). He 
seemed bisexual, not exclusively gay—at 
least, he played at being attracted to the 
girls Holly introduced him to. If some- 
times he stared long and longingly at 
Steven, Steven took care not to notice. 
Once in their kitchen he overheard 
Owen say to Holly, “I love Steve. I love 
him as much as a real brother. Thank 
you for bringing Steve into my life." 
Steven was suffused with warmth, ten- 
derness, though later he would wonder 
if Owen, who calculated so much, had 
calculated these words’ being overheard. 
Though he drives a new-model Toy- 
ota (another parting gift from a friend?), 
Owen lives in a dismal rented apart- 
ment. He has a “servile, fawning” job he 


“You're right. I should feed them first.” 


detests and will probably 
His life appears to be cruising bars 
den intense friendships, abrupt 
understandings,” dismissals. He's been 
in and out of AA, rehab clinics (at Hol- 
ly and Steven's expense). Artist friends 
have long since vanished. An MFA pro- 
gram at Temple University in Philadel- 
phia “didn't work out.” Owen lives amid 
a phantasmagoria of gay acquaintances, 
friends, lovers: Gary, Oliver, Mark, Kev- 
in. If Steven remembers the name of 
Owen's new friend, by the time they 
speak again and he asks, "How's Kevin?" 
he's likcly to meet with a stony silence 
from Owen, or a blithe, "How should T 
know, Steve? Ask him. 

Yet Owen can be warm, caring. Steven 
tries to remember this. When Brandon 
was small Owen played with him for 
hours, filling in coloring books of his 
own invention with fantastical acrylic 
colors. For her third birthday, he gave 
Caitlin a handmade painted book, Frog 
and Beans, now one of Caitlin's prized 
possessions. ("Owen should have been a 
children s-book illustrator,” Steven said. 
“He has a real talent for this.” Holly said, 
offended, "Don't you dare ever tell him 
that. He'd be wounded.”) 

What Steven fears in Owen is that he 
has the power of weakness, the power to 
set Steven and Holly against each other, 
the power to erode the little family from 
within. Only recently has Holly con- 
fessed to Steven that when she was a child 
in Rutherford, New Jersey, Owen set 
small fires in their neighborhood and at 
school. When he was 16, he and another 
boy parked in the boy's car, ran a hose 
from the exhaust into the car and drank 
themselves unconscious, expecting to 
die of carbon monoxide poisoning. But 
they were found in time. And there had 
been other suicide attempts over the 
years. “Owen suffered from terrible night- 
mares as a child,” Holly says. “He's nev- 
er been secure. Our mother was sick so 
much, and sometimes deranged.” St 
ven listens quietly, not about to say, K 
but you aren't suicidal. Why's that? "Our fa- 
ther died when Owen was eight.” Your 
father died when you were ten. Wh 
it from your perspective for once? 
mother with claws,’ Owen calls her.” 

“Who?” 
ve been telling you. Our mothe! 

“I think the phrase is Kafka's. ‘Small 
mother with claws.” 

Holly frowns, annoyed with Steven. “I 
guess we shouldn't discuss Owen. It 
brings out something petty in you.” 

Steven says, stung, “Holly, what's petty 
то you is crucial to me. I hate it that you 
aid and abet your brother's weaknesses. 
He gets sympathy from you for being so 
pathetic. If you'd encourage him to be 
strong, independent, to have some mas- 
culine prid > 

Holly bursts into incredulous laugh- 
ter, “Steven, listen to you. Masculine 
pride. I can't believe this. You sound like 


a parody. Owen is prone to illness, he is 
weak compared with you. If that makes 
him less of a man, that's a pity.” 

Steven says, trying to keep his voice 
even, “Remember a few years ago, that 
Christmas we were snowed in, and Ow- 
en helped me shovel the driveway? He 
wasn't weak then. He surprised us all.” It 
was true: Steven and Brandon had bun- 
dled up to shovel after a two-foot snow- 
fall in northern New Jersey, and, after a 
while, as if reluctantly, Owen had joined 
them. He shoveled awkwardly at first, 
then got into the rhythm, cheeks flushed 
and nose running, joking with Steven 
and Brandon, quite enjoying himself. 
Steven had felt an unexpected bond be- 
tween Owen and himself as the men 
shoveled the 50-foot driveway, talking 
frankly of life, ideals, politics, family. 
He'd felt he had established a new, sig- 
nificant rapport with his brother-in-law, 
a kind that had made no reference to 
Holly. I like him. And he likes me. That's it! 

But the rapport didn't last. What was 
genuine enough in the buoyant cold of a 
bright, dazzling-white winter day soon 
dissolved, and not long afterward there 
was Owen calling Holly to complain of 
his depression, his insomnia, his “faith- 
less" friends—yes, and he needed money. 

Holly says, annoyed, “Oh yes, the 
snow-shoveling. Fine. But my brother 
is a little more complicated than that, 


1 hope.” 


Steven accepts this in silence. He has 
brought it on himself, he knows. It's 
pointless to argue with Holly about Ow- 
en: She loves him in a way impenetrable 
by Steven, in a way that preexisted even 
her love for Brandon and Caitlin. You 
can call the love morbid, or admirable, a 
symptom of childhood pathology, or an 
expression of adult loyalty, But there it is. 

Relenting, as if she were reading S 
ven's thoughts, Holly says gently, “You 
have to understand, honey: Owen and I 
were Hansel and Gretel together. Once 
upon a time.” 

This is meant to dispel tension, as a 
joke. Steven laughs, and Holly laughs. 
But is it funny? Steven wonders. It seems 
to him dangerous, treacherous. To per- 
ceive your childhood as mythical, out of 
a Grimms’ fairy tale 


One evening, when Holly ts at the 
mall with the children, Steven has what 
will be his final conversation with Owen. 

The phone rings, he answers, and 
there's his brother-in-law's reedy, drawl- 
ing voice: “Is Holly there? Can 1 speak 
with her?” 

“Holly isn't here, Owen,” Steven says, 
more amused than annoyed that Owen 
hasn't bothered to identify himself, or 
to waste breath on a greeting to Steven. 
“What did you want with her?” 

“I—I don't want anything. Just to 


talk to my sister.” Owen's voice is flat, 
disappointed. 

“Talk to me.” 

Steven has been watching CNN and 
now he lowers the sound. He's in sweat- 
shirt and jeans, drinking beer out of a 
can. Feeling good. Feeling generous. A 
productive day in his office in New York 
City and a warm, cozy family evening 
coming up. He's possibly wondering if, 
with Holly out of it, he and Owen can rc- 
establish their old rapport, speak frankly 
and from the heart. But Owen sounds 
as if he’s been drinking, or is drugged 
He's vague, not very coherent, lapsing 
with no preamble into a monolog of 
complaints—his disappointing job, his 
botched life, migraine headaches, insom- 
nia, night sweats, fever “and this new 
symptom, like an elliptic fit that doesn't 
quite happen, a really weird sensation 
like a phantom pain in a missing limb— 
an amputec? Like that.” 

Steven guesses that Owen has meant 
to say “epileptic.” Steven is distracted by 
jarringly close-up newsreel footage tak- 
en in the Gaza Strip, where several rock- 
throwing Palestinian boys have been 
shot by Israeli border guards. He rais- 
es the TV volume slightly, not loud 
enough, he hopes, for Owen to detect 
Politely he asks Owen to repeat what he 
has said, which Owen does, at length. 
His voice drones on, a litany of physical 
maladies, psychological woe, despicable 


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"malpractice-worthy" behavior on the 
part of a formerly trusted doctor. In his 
self. concern, Owen has forgotten that 
he's speaking not to Holly but to Ste- 
ven: He's alluding to Back in Rutherford, 
back there, remember when, dreami about last 
night, Oh Jesus. The Gaza Strip footage 
breaks off and an antic SUV ad comes 
on. Steven laughs. 

There's shocked silence. Then Owen 
says, in a small, hurt voice 
I'm amusing you, Steve, 

Steven will recall how easily he spoke, 
with no premeditation: “Owen, why be 
sorry to be amusing? Га say, from you, 
that's a good thing. 

Owen is silent for so long, Steven 
thinks he must have laid down the re- 
ceiver. Steven has switched to network 
news—there’s an exposé of deplorable 
conditions in the New Orleans Parish 
Prison, which detained Asian immi- 
grants for the federal Immigration and 
Naturalization Service, interviews with 
visibly scarred, injured men, protesta- 
tions and denials from prison authori- 
ties. Steven listens, appalled, as Owen 
resumes his monolog of complaints with 
renewed fervor, how hurt he's been, how 
depressed, the past six months have 
been hell, his 30th birthday is imminent, 
his rejected paintings that are “every bit 
as strong” as Lucian Freud's nudes or 
Philip Pearlstein's overrated nudes, 
friends letting him down, and the world 
so vicious—sometimes he wonders wheth- 
er it's worth it to keep going. Steven. lis- 
tening to the testimony of a hospitalized 
detainee who'd been beaten nearly to 
death in prison, says vaguely, “1 suppose 
so, Owen." Owen says, “What?” Steven 
says. "Or—maybe it isn't. It's your call.” 

ain, there's shocked silence. 

"Then Owen says quietly, "You're say- 
ing, Steve, I should—give up?" 

“From your perspective? Maybe.” 

There. Steven has said it. 

Breathlessly, almost eagerly, Owen 

ays, “You think——? In my place——? 
Үоша—: 

“Owen, yes. Frankly, I would.” 

Steven switches back to CNN. The 
president is stepping out of Air Force One 
somewhere in Europe. Steven's heart is 


I'm sorry if 


ng quickly, as after an invigorating 
sprint. But he's frightened, too, uuering 
words he has only fantasized. Die, why 
don't you, you pathetic loser. Put yourself out 
of your misery. Give us a break. 

Ofcourse, in the next moment, Steven 
regrets what he's said. He's been blunt, 


cruel. Owen must be crushed. Quickly, 
he says, lowering the television volume, 
"Owen? Maybe not. No. I'm sorry I said 


that." 

He can hear Owen's humid breathing. 

Then Owen says, in a strange, clated 
voice, "Steve, thanks! You're the only 
person in my entire life who has ever 
spoken to me the truth." 
This forced, phony circumlocution 
Steven perceives that his brother-in-law 
is posturing, taking on a role. He hates 
Owen with a pure, scintillant, savage 
hatred. 

Owen is saying, “You're the only one 
who has ever done me the honor of tak- 
ing me seriously, not humoring me. Tak- 
ing me as a man and not as a cripple. 
Thank you." 

Steven has turned away from the TV. 
He's on his feet, suddenly sober, repen- 
tant, "Owen, hey: I didn't mean that the 
way it sounded. I was just —" 

“Speaking from the heart, Steve! Yes. 
And I appreciate it. From you—I know 
you hate my guts, I admire you for that! 
From you, my sister's husband and the 
daddy of her children, I've just had the 
best fucking advice of my life.” 

“I only mean” 

Believe me, Steve, I've been thinking 
of killing myself for a long time. I mean 
seriously. 1 mean the real thing. Not bull- 
shitting.” Owen pauses dramatically. He 
100 is breathing hard. “I can't discuss 
anything serious with Holly, she's too 
emotional. She's too close to the edge 
herself. She tried some little-girl stuff, in 
high school, “slashing” her wrists—but 
not too deep. Bet she never told you, 
Steve! What I need to decide is how.” 

Steven is stunned. “How—what? 

“Not pills, not carbon monoxide, 
en snorts in derision, vastly amused. 
a razor blade—ugh! I was thinking ol— 
in my car? Driving?” 

Steven says in a lowered voice, “Driv- 
ing would be good. An accident.” 


NOTIONS ON 
THIS FLOOR ? 


“Steering my car into a, what do you 
call it—abutment? On Коше 1, Бу an 
overpass ig 

“That would do it.” 

“That would! That would do it! And 
nobody would freaking know!” 

Abruptly, the line goes dead. Steven, 
on his feet, not knowing where he is, col- 
liding painfully with a chair, cries into 
the receiver, “Owen? Owen? Owen!” 

But he doesn't call Owen back 


“Daddy, see?” 

When Holly returns with Сай 
Brandon and their purchases, Steven 
hugs them cagerly as if they've been 
gone for days, as if they've been in dan- 
ger. His litde family! He would dic for 
them, he knows. Yet for their sake he 
must hide the ferocity of his love. Caitlin 
is wearing a new purple quilted jack- 
et with a hood, peeping out at Daddy as 
he lifts her in his arms to kiss her. And 
Brandon is sporting new hiking boots— 
“Look, Daddy! Cool, huh?” 

Through that evening, through the 
mostly sleepless night that follows, Ste- 
ven relives the remarkable exchange be- 
tween his brother-in-law and himself, 
disbelieving his own words. Did he re- 
ally say such things? He's astonished. 
He’s sick with apprehension. He's elat- 
ed. exhilarated. Die, why don’ you. Give us 
a break. 

A terrible thing to say to another 
person, especially your brother-in-law. 
Family. 

Steven smiles. Maybe the truth is terri- 
ble, And someone must utter it for once 

It's Holly's custom to take the phone 
off the hook each night when she and 
Steven go to bed, not wanting a ringing 
phone to wake the family, In the morn- 
ing when Steven checks, with some ap- 
prehension, he hears only a dial tone. 
No messages recorded during the night. 

He's relieved. It hasn't happened yet. 
Holly is Owen's next of kin, named in his 
wallet identification in case of accident 
But there has been no “accident” involv- 
ing Owen during the night, evidently. 
Steven tells himself that Owen will prob- 
ably just forget their conversation. Prob- 
ably he’s already forgotten. The man is 


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too narcissistic, too shallow and coward- 
ly, for suicide. 

Days pass, and a week. And no word 
from Owen. And no word of Owen. And 
no emergency call from a medical work- 
er or police officer. Casually, Holly men- 
tions that Owen must be away, he hasn't 
called in a while. Her dinner-hour 
preparation isn't interrupted. She's re- 
lieved and yet, Steven knows, she's be- 
ginning to worry about Owen. He tells 
her that Owen is fine, that he's spoken 
with him recently, briefly And remem- 
ber the numerous times when Owen has 
ceased to call? Once he'd gone to Moroc- 
co with a friend, away fora month with- 
out a word to Holly. 

Then one evening when Steven re- 
turns from the city, Holly tells him hap- 
pily that Owen finally called, and then 
dropped by the house, in a “very upbeat 
mood.” He stayed for only a few minutes 
because he was driving to see a friend in 
Manhattan. Fine, Steven says. Didn't 1 
tell you nothing was wrong? Steven isn't 
disappointed; in truth he’s relieved. Of 
course he doesn't want Holly's broth- 
er to die. But Holly goes on to say, “Ow- 
en volunteered to drop Brandon off at 
Scott's house—he's staying the night,” 
and now Steven stares at her, for a mo- 
ment unable to react. Then he says, 
choosing his words with care, “You let 
Brandon ride with Owen? In his car?” 
Holly says, “It’s just across town, honey. 
You know where Scott lives.” Steven 


says, dry-mouthed, “Alone with Owen? 
In his car?” Holly answers uncertainly, 
“Well, why not? I mean” 

Holly sees a look in Steven's face he 
can't hide. She says: 

“Do you—know something about Ow- 
en? What do you know about Owen?” 

A moment's panic. Holly is thinking: 
pedophilia? 

Quickly Steven assures her it’s noth- 
ing. Only that he's disappointed—Bran- 
don won't be with them at dinner. 


There! The phone is ringing. 
But it's only a solicitor. Steven hangs 


iting for the phone to 
ring. Without Holly overhearing, he has 
called Scott's parents, who tell him Bran- 
don hasn't yet arrived. It's been 40 min- 
utes since Owen left, and Scott's house 
is a ten-minute drive from theirs. But 
Steven tells himself there's no need for 
alarm, yet Owen and Brandon might 
have stopped at a video store, a McDon- 
ald’s. Holly is in the kitchen preparing 
dinner. Steven sits in the family room, 
the portable phone at his elbow, Cait- 
lin in the crook of his arm reading from 
The Wind in the Willows. The TV's on, 
CNN with the sound nearly inaudible, 
Steven's thumb on the remote control, 
poised and ready to strike. 


“I am the Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come. I don't hear 


you saying, ‘Bah, humbug. 


Champagne Cocktails 
(continued from page 88) 
RASPBERRY CHAMPAGNE FLOAT. 
aris nT AMPA 


6 ounces Chambord liqueur 

% cup raspberries 

Champagne 

Raspberry sorbet 

2 mint leaves 

Marinate raspberries in Chambord in 
small bowl. Place ıhree whole berries 
in bottom of champagne flute, add tea- 
spoon of raspberry-Chambord mixture 
and slowly pour champagne down side 
of glass. Top with small scoop of raspber- 
ry sorbet and garnish with mint leaves. 

FOCOSO 
ARCODORO, HOUSTON 

2 ounces grappa alla Fragola 

1 ounce dry vermouth 

2 drops grenadine 

Champagne 

In blender, combine crushed ice, grap- 
pa, dry vermouth and grenadine and 
blend until smooth. Pour mixture into 
chilled champagne glasses and finish off 
with champagne. 


CHAMPAGNE SANGRIA 
BAR TERRAZZA, HOTEL ARTS, BARCELONA 


1 ounce Schweppes orangeade 

1 ounce Schweppes lemonade 

1% ounces Cointreau 

1% ounces brandy 

1 teaspoon sugar 

Champagne 

Orange slice 

Ina shaker, combine crushed ice, or- 
angeade, lemonade, Cointreau, brandy 
and sugar and shake well. Pour into flut- 
ed champagne glass and top off with 
champagne. Garnish with orange slice. 


LOTUS BLOSSOM 


THE BAR, LA HOTEL 
% ounce Midori liqueur 
Champagne 

Dry зг 


Maraschino cherry 
Pour Midori in fluted champagne glass, 
fill with champagne and add float of dry 


sake. Garnish with cherry. 


¡TA ABADI (“ETERNAL LOVE”) 
КОВО BAR. RITZ-CARLTON BALI 


1 ounce fresh guava, pureed 

Champagne 

Dash of triple sec 

Pour guava into bottom of fluted cham- 
pagne glass, finish off with champagne 
and float triple sec on top. 


ROYAL PIMM'S MEURICE 
BAR FONTAINEBLEU, HOTEL MEURICE, PARIS 


1 ounce Marti 
vermouth 
2 ounces apricot liqueur 
3 ounces Pimm's 
Champagne 


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juice and sour 


Lemon twist 

Orange twist 

Curl of cucumber 5 

2 maraschino cherries 

Pour sweet vermouth, apricot liqueur 
and Pimm's into champagne flute, stir 
briefly and top off with champagne. Gar- 
nish with lemon and orange twists, cu- 
cumber skin and cherries. 


WATERMELON 
KISS STEAKHOUSE AND LOUNGE, 
MIAMI BEACH 


1% ounces Watermelon Pucker 

% ounce cranberry juice 

% ounce sour mix 

Champagne 

Watermelon wedge 

Pour Watermelon Pucker, cranberry 
ix into shaker with 

crushed ice and blend well. Strain into 

fluted champagne glass, top with cham- 

pagne and garnish with watermelon. 


ROSSINI COCKTAIL A LA MAESTRO 
MAESTRO, MCLEAN, VIRGINIA 


Brown sugar crystals 
Strawberry purce 
Champagne 

1 fresh strawberry 


Wet champagne flute with champagne 
and coat rim with sugar. Pour in puree 
and finish with champagne, then stir 
briefly. Garnish with strawberry. 


BELLINI AMERICANA 
EASTSIDE WEST, SAN FRANCI 


И ounce Maker’s Mark bourbon 

Champagne 

3 ounces peach puree 

Peach slice or lemon twist for garnish 

Pour bourbon into chilled champagne 
flute, followed by champagne, then pu- 
ree. Stir and add garnish. 


0 


CHAMPAGNE SORBET COCKTAIL 
OCEAN TERRACE, RITZ-CARLTON 
LAGUNA NIGUEL, CALIFORNIA 


1 ounce peach schnapps 

1% ounces peach nectar 

2 ounces champagne 

Pour all ingredients into blender with 
crushed ice and blend until mixture 
achieves the consistency of sorbet. Pour 
into fluted champagne glass. 


EL CUBANO. 
"THE TONIC, NEW YORK CITY 


3 mint leaves 
1 ounce Bacardi 8 años rum 


“Here's to blowing more than just a New Year's resolution.” 


Juice of one lime 

Dash Angostura bitters 

Veuve Clicquot champagne 

Muddle mint leaves, rum, lime juice 
and bitters in small bowl. Pour into flut- 
ed champagne glass and finish off with 
champagne. 


THE COLIPE 
THE AMERICAN BAR. GEORGE V НОТІ 


PARIS 


3 ounces Bombay Sapphire gin 
3 raspberries macerated for a few days 
in brandy 

Champagne 

1 raspberry 

Pour gin and raspberries macerated 
into fluted champagne glass, stir and 
top off with champagne. Garnish with 
raspberry. 


MIRAMONTE CHAMPAGNE COCKTAIL, 
MIRAMONTE, ST. HELENA, CALIFORNI 


1 sugar cube 
3 drops Angostura bitters 
1 ounce Eagle Rare bourbon 
Champagne 
Lemon tw 
Muddle sugar cube and bitters in small 
bowl. Pour into fluted champagne glass, 
followed by bourbon and champagne. 
Garnish with twist. 


CACTUS BLOSSOM 
LOBBY LOUNGE, FOUR SEASONS RESORT, 
E, ARIZONA 


4 ounces champagne 

4 ounces cranberry juice 

ounce Cointreau 

4 teaspoon lemon juice 

Lemon twist 

Mint leaf 

Pour champagne and cranberry juice 
into a highball glass almost filled with ice 
cubes. Carefully float Cointreau on top, 
then add lemon juice. Garnish with lem- 
on twist and mint leaf. 


MAYFAIR FLAPPER 


DORCHESTER BAR, LONDON 


3 strawberries 

1 ounce créme de cassis 

Champagne 

Slice strawberries into blender, add 
créme de cassis and blend. Strain into 
fluted champagne glass and finish off 
with champagne. 


n 
м 


EELBACH COCKTAI 


SEEI 1 HILTON BAR, LOUISVILLE 


% ounce triple sec 
7 dashes Angostura bitters 
7 dashes Peychaud's bitters 


1 ounce Old Forester bourbon 

Champagne 

Orange zest 

Pour triple sec, bitters and bourbon 
into shaker with ice, shake until cold and 
pour into fluted champagne glass, then 
finish off with champagne. Stir briefly. 
Garnish with orange zest. 


Sexual Etiquette 
(continued from page 104) 
spontaneous. Yuck. 

KATHLEEN: Once we were at a rock 
concert and my boyfriend tried to get 
me to have sex with in one of those 
Porta-Johns. Those are nasty. 

MARCO: I don't mind having sex in 
weird places. But don’t ask me to go into 
some place that's creepy, like an alley 
with rats and homeless guys. 

tort: Guys will have sex anywhere. If 
it were up to them, they'd have sex in a 
Dumpster. 


IS IT OK TO MAKE LOVE WITHOUT A CONDOM? 


RCO: I like when a guy takes respon- 
sibility. I like when he has a condom in 
his wallet and is really excited to use it. 
Then I get excited while he is putting 
iton. 

MARYANNE: Don't ask me to go bare- 
back! I can’t believe a 32-year-old s 
me, “Come on, baby, let's go bareback, it 
feels so much better.” It sounded so high 
school. 

STEPHANIE: One man, in his attempt to 
go bareback, said, "Don't worry, I'm 
fixed.” A 25-year-old who is fixed? 

: 1 was doing missionary with my 
ex and he complained that the condom 
felt like a rubber tire and that we should 
go bareback. I said no, and he got mad. 
It showed that he couldn't have cared 
less about me. That's why he's my ex. A 
man should bring his own condoms. He 
knows his penis better than I do. 

susan: I think we're past the point 
where people are embarrassed to use 
condoms. But I don't like it when a guy 
judges me because I have condoms with 
me. Everybody should carry them. But 
since we never know when we'll be get- 
ting laid, we often don't think of car- 
rying them. Men should carry them 
in their wallets and women should put 
them in their purses. On the other hand, 
I was with this guy and he opened a 
drawer filled with torn condom wrap- 
nd said, “Let's see if I have any 
” which made him look like a real 
busy he-ho. 

MARYANNE: Men seem to have a prob- 
lem with condom disposal. I'm not sure 
why that is. My boyfriend is sweet, but he 
throws the condom on the carpet alter- 
ward and I always step on it. 


HOW DO WOMEN WANT TO BE 
TREATED AFTER SEX? 


KATHLEEN: We don't need someone to 
play love songs on an acoustic guitar 
right alterward or cuddle for two hours, 
but I think most women want to hear 


only polite to acknowledge it. He does: 

have to say, “That was the best sex 1 ev- 
er had!” but he should be nice after- 
ward. One time a guy said to me, 


were great! Gan we do that agai 


it made me feel good. 

KAREN: The worst is when a guy acts 
cranky or annoyed that you're still there. 
Once I slept with this guy who I had 
amazing sex with. When it was over, he 
got up and said, “Here's your stuff,” like 
T was supposed to leave. Then he said, 
“Bye, I'm going to bed.” The rudest part 
was that it was three in the morning and 
he lived in Hell's Kitchen. I wasn't ask- 
ing him to marry me; all I wanted him to 
do was escort me to a cab. When І asked 
him if he would, he looked at me and 
said, “You're a big girl now,” and walked 
back to his bedroom. That sucked. 

ELYSE: A guy could capture my heart 
by being sweet after sex. But I don't 
seem to have such luck. 1 would faint if a 
guy would say something like, “I wanna 
wake up where you are” (courtesy of the 
Goo Goo Dolls) or some other poignant 
statement like that. But after I had sex 
with this one guy for the second time, he 
said, “You know, I don't want a girl- 


friend right now.” Frankly, I wasn't even 
thinking about a relationship with him at 
that point, but his saying that at that mo- 
ment seemed cold. 

АККА: Nothing ruins the afterglow of 
sex more than the other person saying, 
“You know, I'm married.” 

MARGO: It would be a switch if I met a 
guy who would take me in his arms and 
say to me after sex, “Run away with me 
forever!” even if he's just saying it to 
make me laugh. But instead, after 1 had 
sex with this one guy, he ran out of my 
apartment and jumped into a cab like it 
was a getaway car. 


1S 11 OK TO TRY TO HAVE SEX. 
ON THE FIRST DATE? 


MARYANNE: I am out there dating and I 
would have to say the majority of guys 
get too sexual too fast. I'm not going to 
sleep with every guy 1 go out to dinner 
. Often, by the end of the evening, I 
find myself saying things like, "I've got 


‘A mistletoe G-string! Now that’s what I call Christmas spirit!” 


HOW 


WIRED 

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Microchip by Hitachi Elec- 
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tachi.com. Books: MIT Press, 
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MANTRACK 

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speed.com. Page 44: Cham- 

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ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA 

Pages 101-103: Flashlights, 800-828-8809 
or surefire.com. Multitool, gerberblades. 
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Shaver, remington-products.com. Knife, 
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From Chronicle Books, chroniclebooks.com. 
Briefcase from eLuxury, eluxury.com. 
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around the world. Bourbon from Jim 
Beam Brands, 800-774-7483. Home theater 
by Bose, 800-444-2673. CD from Playboy 


Jazz. playboystore.com. 


HOTEL HOLIDAY 

Page 138: Suit, coats and trousers by Bill 
Blass, 212-581-8270. Shirt and tie, 800- 
HUGO-ROSS. Polo shirt, lacoste-usa.com. 


TO 


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armani.com. Shirt by Ax- 
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skechers.com. Suitcase, an 
diamoinc.com. Page 139: 
Sweater and skirt, peter 
som.com. Boots, stuartweitz 
man.com. Jacket, shirt and 
trousers, 212-758-3337. 
Shoes, 800-479-3267. Pant- 
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ON THE SCENE 

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er, microsoft.com/tvphotoviewer. Com- 
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to catch an early plan 

MARGO: Women want to be charmed 
on a first date, seduced rather than bro- 
ken down. When a guy is too eager to 
sleep with me, it’s usually over before it 
even starts. Once he gets sexually excit- 
ed, etiquette goes out the window. When 
he has a raging boner, he’s not thinking 
about what's polite. 

susan: I had a first date with a guy, and 
we went out to dinner. I was hot for hi 
so afterward we went back to my place. 
Just because 1 invite a guy to my place, 
however, doesn't necessarily mean I am 
ving him the OK to do me. But I did 
want to make out with him. So we made 
out for about a half hour, and then I got 
up and said, “This was fun, but we hav 
to continue later. I have to get up carly 
He looked annoyed, wouldn't get off the 
couch and said, “Do you mind if I just 
jerk off?" 

ELYSE: Most guys try to have sex with 
me on the first date. Of course, it de- 
pends on what you call a “date.” It 
doesn't have to be a formal date, but I 
find generally that guys really try hard 
for it, and I think that’s disrespectful. It 
usually happens after a few drinks in the 
form of trying to push my head down. 

KATHLEEN: | was at a nightclub with 
this guy, and after dancing we went into 
the bathroom together. Yes, we were sort 
of drunk, but his behavior was obnox- 
ious. Nobody was in the bathroom, so he 
pulled out his johnson, pushed my head 
down and said, “Come on, suck it.” I 
mean, did I miss something here? Like a 
compliment, maybe? Ora kiss? 1 felt like 
1 had dick whiplash 

STEPHANIE: Being English, 1 can say that 
an Englishman would never think of do- 
ing that. But I have had several Ameri- 
can guys do that to me on the first date. 
Englishmen are more polite in bed than 
American men are. They have more for- 
mal manners. Don't get me wrong, 1 love 
the American spirit and American men, 
but they could have better manners. 


tween. With guys you're either having 
sex or you're not. Once you start mak- 
ing out with them, they aren't thinking 
about stopping. Twenty-something guys 
are so eager. 

Maryanne: But I don't think it’ 
thing, I've dated guys in their 20: 
and 40s, and practically everyone has 
tried to have sex with me on the 
date. It's unfair when a guy takes away 
my choice of when and if I want to have 
sex for the first time, like it's his deci- 
sion. I like sex, too, but being subile and 
the way to go. 

: When a guy comes over for the 
и time and says, "Let's just hang out,” 
and doesn't want to take me anywhere, 
what he really 
sex with you 
take me out somewhere before we screw 
for the first time. 1 like a little romance 
first. That's sexy to me. I don't like a 


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TEN MOVES TO 
LL S 


On the first date, be a gentleman 
and ask questions. Then try to be 
interested in what she's interested 
in, Eventually, she'll be interested in 
What you're interested in (viz., sex). 


Flauery will get you everywhere. 

It's much more seductive than beg- 

ging and pleading Everyone likes 

compliments. 

BUY HER FLOWERS 

Gas date, spring for an ex- 
ive bouquet. When you show 

In thoughtful you are, she will 

want to have sex with you. 

"TIT: 


RUB IT IN 

IF vou want to have sex and she 
isnt їп the mood, offer to massage 
her neck and shoulders, This will 
change her mood into the night one. 


BE NICE 

Aman can never go wrong being 
Be Although women say they 
like bad boys, they really like men 
who look like bad boys but are 
poma 
BLE HE B 
Koo ra your cell eds while 
you're at dinner trying to seduce 
her. Talking to your buddies can 
wait. The basketball scores can wait 


JARE TO COMPARE 
When she notices you noticing an- 
other woman, say, “You're so much 
hotter than she is.” 


CLEAN IT UP 

1 you're bringing a girl over to. 
your bachelor pad for the first time, 
make sure it's presentable. Hide the 
half-used tube of lube and wadded- 
up Kleenex. 


BUDDY UP 
When you first meet а hot girl and 
you're with a male friend, use him 
Pe your wingman. Get him to com- 
for her attention, then excuse 
imself (Women fantasize about 
two men fighting over them.) 


Take her toa chick flick. She will 
bein a romantic mood afterward 
and more likely to make you her 
leading man, 


guy to rush things. I like being hot for 
someone and not having sex with them 
on the first date, Then I can have some 
depraved sexual fantasies about him. 
When a guy is a perfect gentleman on 
the first date, I want to have sex with 
him even more. 

Anka: Guys should masturbate before 
all first dates to keep from embarrassing 
themselves. 


WHE! 


{OULD YOU PUT AWAY 
YOUR CELL PHONE? 


тош: I recently had a dinner date, and 
for three hours—through dinner, drinks 
and a walk through Soho—the guy took 
calls on his cell phone, one afier another. 
At one point I was tempted to whip out 
my cell phone and call him on his so Га 
have a chance to talk to him. 

ANKA: That kills any real intimacy. 105 
like the cell phone causes attention defi- 
cit disorder, and the person can't focus 
on one thing. He has to multitask. 

MARYANNE: Some people, women in- 
cluded, think they look important or 
popular if they re fielding calls all night. 
I think the cell phone creates a new 
sense of urgency. People think they have 
to take the call, no matter what else 
they're doing. When I'm out to dinner 
with someone, I turn mine off. I've been 
in restaurants in New York where you'll 
see a whole table of people talking on 
cell phones. It looks so culous. It's 
like they're teleconferencing during din- 
ner. What is so urgent at 11 o'clock at 
night? Once 1 saw a couple out ona date 
and 1 watched the guy talking on the 
cell phone the entire dinner, ignoring 
the girl. I felt sorry for her because she 
looked like she liked him. And I thought, 
1 bet he ignores her all night, then tries 
10 have sex 
bad table manners. 

ELYSE: Cell phones in bed are even 
worse. Once a boyfriend and I were right 
in the middle of doing it, full-fledged 
intercourse, and his cell phone rang. He 
was an actor and when he saw it was his 
agent, he pulled out, jumped up and took 
the call. I understand that he's ambi- 
tious, but couldn't he have waited anoth- 
er five minutes? It turned out it wasn't 
important anyway. People think the cell 
phone comes first, and in this case it came 
before 1 did 


ET A LOVER TO 
SKY? 


MARYANNE: It's nota good idea to “break 
someone down,” to get them to do some- 
thing sexual they really don't want to do. 
If she doesn't want to share your sexual 
fantasy, you can't force her. Once you get 
to know someone, they usually reveal 
what their sexual fantasies are. And every- 
one has a different definition of kinky. 
The problem is, one person's sexual fan- 
tasy could be another person's nightmare 

anka: People who are into kinky lile- 
styles like S&M, especially those engag- 


th her. It's a new form of 


ing in the kinkiest acti 
prenegotiate all of their activities. They 
establish codes of etiquette. With the 
“heavy player" crowd, everything they 
plan to do, including how far they will 
Eo, is discussed beforehand. They are do- 
ing such extreme stuff that if they don't 
negotiate things in advance, they could 
hurt each other. They have a motto: "A 
willing partner is too precious to hurt 

STEPHANIE: Discussing it beforehand is 
essential. Take anal sex, for instance 
You can't do "surprise anal.” Don't just 
start poking. Please notify me first. Let 
me know that you're going to bc digging 
around in the backyard. 

ANNIE: You have to talk if you're plan 
ning to get kinky. Then she won't get 
freaked out when he wants to have a 
gang bang. 

SUSAN: It's only polite and shows good 
manners to talk about things first, espe- 
cially before you pull out a huge dong 
and a whip 

KATHLEEN: Bondage is tricky, too. The 
first thing you need to know before in- 
troducing bondage restraints is who ties 
up whom. 

LORI: Once I had a guy tie me to the 
refrigerator, and he left me there for the 
rest of the afternoon. That was rude. 
The least he could have done was turn 
on the television. 

MARVANNE: Also, if you're going to in- 
troduce something into a relationship 
like spanking, you need to know who's 
getting spanked. Not every woman likes 
to be spanked. 1 hate it, but I have fan- 
tasies of spanking a guy, so if he just 
starts spanking me without saying any- 
thing first, 1 get mad 

ruse: And don't pressure me to have 
a threesome. My last boyfriend wouldn't 
stop. If I were bisexual I wouldn't have a 
problem with it, but I'm not, so stop ask- 
ing. If the other person doesn't share 
your fantasy and says no to it, it’s uncool 
to keep asking. 

ANNIE: Fetishes are hard to deal with 
and can create a sticky problem, espe- 

Шу when one person doesn't want to 
share the other person's fetish. A man I 
went out with once was into cross-dress- 
g- The first time we had sex he came 
ing 
At first I thought he was kidding. But 
the next time we had sex he wanted 
to wear my bra. I'm open-minded and 
thought it was funny. But when he said 
he wanted to wear my dress in bed, I re- 
alized he needed to cross-dress to get off 
I told him he'd have to keep his cross- 
dressing to himself. Sorry, but I don't 
want to date Mrs. Doubtfire. 

ANKA: How do you tell someone that 
his heterosexual cross-dressing is rude? 
Sorry, but I'm out of there when it be- 
comes a "lifestyle." Next thing you know 
he'll be taking you out to a baseball game 
wearing a wig, dress and heels. 


I. S DA 
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174 


Dan Patrick 

(continued from page 148) 
Michael Jordan couldn't hit a curve ball, 
but he didn't grow up playing baseball. 
Jordan is a good golfer, not a great golf- 
er Had he started playing golf when Ti- 
ger Woods did, I would think that with 
his athleticism and competitive desire, he 
could be like Tiger. But Tiger can’t play 
in the NBA. Ken Griffey can't play in the 
NBA. Wayne Gretzky told me to keep in 
mind that hockey players have speed, 
strength, endurance, hand-eye coordi- 
nation and they do it on skates. I under- 
stand that, but I just see these basketball 
players as purer in the sense ofan athlete. 


12 


PLAYBOY: It's been a while since we've 
heard you utter “gone,” “whiff” or “bun- 
ny” on a Sportscenter broadcast. Have 
you backed away from your signature 
catchphrases? 

PATRICK: Yes, absolutely. The audience 
may not realize it yet. You haven't heard 
en fuego. We've oversaturated the market 
with catchphrases. There's an entertain- 
er in all of us, but people think if you 
don't have catchphrases you can't be a 
good sportscaster. That's the biggest fal- 
Тасу. Bob Costas and Mike Tirico don't 
use catchphrases. The genesis of the 
catchphrases was to have some fun with 
highlights that aren't fun. I like the 
catchphrase to be quick and to the point. 
Strike out—“whiff.” I used that when I 
was playing Wiffle ball in the backyard 
with my younger brother and he struck 
out. Home run—"gone"—comes from 
playing Stratomatic baseball, the dice 
game. People will call up with sugges- 
tions: “HR dot-com” and “cowhide 
ride” for home run. They just w 
be a part of the show. But we've gotten 
to the point now where we forget what 
we're supposed to be doing. We have 
catchphrases in this little bottle, like fish 
food, and they're waiting for a catch- 


phrase out there, so we feed them. After 
awhile, they re full, they don't need catch- 
phrases anymore. The Jenny Craig catch- 
phrase diet needs to be invented here. 


13 


PLAYBOY: You're not going to tell us you 
play rotisserie baseball, are you? 
PATRICK: I'm in rotisserie rehab. I used to 
conduct trades on my computer on the 
Sportscenter set when Keith Olbermann 
would be on camera. It got to be an ob- 
session. I found myself caring more 
about rotisserie than I did about work. I 
could make a trade on inside informa- 
tion on a guy. | was rooting for players 
just because they were on my rotisserie 
team. Га get excited on the highlights. I 
would let it consume me because I want- 
ed to win. I would be in 10 leagues be- 
cause I love the draft. I found that peo- 
ple would want to talk to me because 
they (a) wanted to bet or (b) they need- 
ed a tip On a rotisserie. I'm in rehab. I 
can walk by a conference room and hear 
somebody say, “$26 for Ken Griffey Jr.” 1 
just want to go in there. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Settle a bar bet for us. Any 
bar bet. 

PATRICK: For a long time it was, "Name 
the last switch-hitter in the American 
League to win the MVP.” The answer is 
Vida Blue, a pitcher. It was a pitcher who 
was a switch-hitter. No one knew that. 
The Yankees right fielder before Babe 
Ruth? George Halas. [Save your stamps, 
trivia buffs. We know that Sammy Vick was 
the regular right fielder. Halas was there, but 
played only six games in the field in 1919] 


15 


PLAYBOY: The HBO series Mind of the 
Married Man places its characters in bars 
where they talk about their love lives, 
not sports. Would you agree with the 
critics who've taken the show to task for 


“Merry Christmas!” 


this incredible distortion of reality? 
PATRICK: Oh, man. Yes. The sad partis, 
you could have women from Hooters 
just getting off their shifts and being at 
the bar and these guys would rather talk 
about the backup center for the New 
England Patriots. They just want to talk 
sports. I can't tell you how many times 
I've ordered a drink from behind a guy 
and he'll turn around, say he recogniz- 
es the voice and asks questions. They 
may be afraid to walk up to women, but 
they'll walk up to me and start asking 
sports questions. I've said to them, 
“Guys, there are a lot of good-looking 
women in here, what are you doing?” 
“Oh, we can see them anytime.” I tell 
them, “Well, if I were in your position, I 
wouldn't be talking sports.” 


16 


PLAYBOY: Do you have an appreciation 
for the anti-highlight, the Zenlike art of 
scoring a baseball game? 

PATRICK: Yes. There is Zen. You're in the 
zone like an athlete. You're focused. You 
wipe out conversation around you. You 
are there because you want to document 
a game. You have your own markings. 
People score a game differently. Basket- 
ball is a blur. Hockey's a blur. You can 
actually see baseball in a frame-by-frame 
way by scoring—base knock, error E6, 
RBI, pitch count, double substitut 
You see it unfold before you. You're able 
10 manage a game. You can actually call 
something before it unfolds. I taught my 
wife to score and she loved it, thought it 
was fascinating to be able to understand 
the intricacies of the game. You come 
ith this work of art you created. 


17 


PLAYBOY: What's your favorite obscure 
sports statistic? 

rarrıck: Joe DiMaggio had more home 
runs than he strikeouts in his career, 
which I always found fascinating. And 
there have been 13 unassisted triple 
plays in regular-season play. It's sad that 
I know that. (Like many obscure statistics, 
Dan's will benefit from a little polishing. The 
DiMaggio stat would have been true if Joe 
had stopped playing after the 1950 season. 
He played one more year and ended with 361 
HRs and 369 Ks. And, according to Stats 
Inc., there have been 10 unassisted triple plays 
in the regular season.) 


18 


PLAYBOY: How do you explain to your 
young son that it's time for him to don a 
jockstrap? 


PATRICK: There's some history to it, be- 
cause I was on the road and I called in 
one time to talk to my wife and catch up 
on the day. She said she was giving Jack 
a bath, and he asked about his anatomy, 
and she told him the clinical term was 
testicles, but he could call them balls. 1 


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didn't flinch. I said, “Oh, OK." A short 
time later, his fourth birthday was com- 
ing up and I asked, “Jack, what do you 
want for your birthday?” “Dad, I want 
golf clubs, a golf bag and some golf te 
cles.” I had to revisit that conversation 
with him when it came to putting on the 
cup for soccer. I said, “You want to make 
sure you protect yourself because if you 
get hit in the testicles, it's really going to 
hurt.” And then he said, “Well, Dad, first 
of all, they're balls. And I'm real good 
at making sure that nobody kicks me 
there.” I said, “Honey, all it takes is one 
ind you'll never forget it.” Mark 
wire told me his protective cup was 
stolen two years ago. 1 just keep think- 
ing, What's somebody doing with Mc- 
Gwire's cup? Using it as a spaghetti strain- 
er? He wants it back because he'd had it 
for years. 


19 


PLAYBOY: Are soccer moms ahead of the 
rest of America in recognizing a sport 
others haven't caught on to yet? 

PATRICK: 1 don't like it when a soccer fan 
tells me why I need to like the sport 
They make it seem like I'm not smart 
enough to understand. I understand it. 
And I don't appreciate it. My kids play it, 
but I look at it as a sport that will just tire 
them out and they'll eat a good dinner. 
But soccer players always got the girls. 
They wear the short shorts, their hair 
is always flowing. I would have picked 
up the sport had I known women would 
have been that interested. 


20 


PLAYBOY: You often get buttonholed at 
airports. Ever tell a fan to get a life? 
parrick: Who am 1 to have a highbrow 
attitude toward them when I used to be 
a lan? The first date 1 had with my wife, 
Villanova was playing Georgetown for 
the NCAA title. Nobody gave Villanova 
a chance. So I thought, I'm going to 
impress this girl by saying, “There's an 
NCAA title game, but I'd much rather 
take you out to dinner.” 1 got up to go to 
the bathroom, but I wasn't really going 
to the bathroom. I called the guys in the 
sports department at CNN, and they 
said, “Didn't you hear? Georgetown got 
beat.” I'd just missed one of the greatest 
games in NCAA history. 1 went back to 
the table and she said, "What's wrong? 
You look like you've just seen a gh 
I said, “Villanova beat Georgetown in 
one of the greatest basketball games ev- 
ет.” And she said, “Great. Are you sorry 
you went out on a date?" I said, “N 
the greatest game I've ever missed." And 
she still thinks it's so funny because 
1 couldn't hide it. I gave up Villanova- 
Georgetown for her. But she's had time 
to make it up to me. 


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176 


INVISIBLE MAN 


(continued from page 86) 


neces 
course, he could discreetly misdirect the 
aim of others, but in fact he steered clear 
of armed persons, as well as reckless 
drivers, busy kitchens, operating rooms. 
He could still be hurt. Suray bullets could 
wound him, knives could prick. He was 
invisible, not immortal. And his insides 
were not invisible, his excretions weren't, 
his blood. What a sight, a wound in view 
and no wounded! Moreover, if wound- 
ed, who would heal him? Perhaps he 
could find a blind doctor, though proba- 
bly there weren't many. And if he died, 
who would mourn him? Who would 
even see him there to bury him? He'd 
become a kind of odd speed bump in the 
road for a month or two. Such were the 
handicaps of an invisible person, no mat- 
ter how rich he was or how much secret 
mischief he enjoyed. 

He was also obliged to stay away from 
cold places. Though his nakedness was 
apparent to no one and he himself was 
accustomed to it, it was a reality he could 
not ignore. Cold winds drove him inside, 
air-conditioning out. Sometimes, to 
warm himself or to conduct some busi- 
ness or other such as fencing his stolen 


goods, or perhaps simply in response to 


rily limited to lesser felonies. Of 


a deep longing, he made himself 
with masks, wigs and costume: 
to have to steal these things over and 
over, he bought a house to store them in 
and took up stamp and coin collecting 
and growing orchids on the side. There 
were many choices among his costumes, 
many characters he could be, and this 
added to his existential angst: Who was 
he really? Without a costume, he was 
invisible even to himself. In the mirror 
he could see no more than anyone else 
could see: a blurry nothingness where 
something should be. “You are a beauti- 
ful person,” he would say to it, more as 
an instruction than a comment. 

When costuming himself, he had to 
dress carefully from head to toe. One 
day he forgot his socks and caused some- 
thing of a sensation when taking his seat 
on the subway. “Sorry, a—a kind of can- 
cer.” he explained to the people staring 
aghast at his missing ankles, fully aware 
(he exited hastily at the next stop) that 
the mouth on the mask was not moving. 
On another day in a crowded elevator 
(when visible, he loved to mingle with 
the human masses, feel the body contact, 
something that usually had to be avoid- 
ed when invisible), his scarf fell off. A 
woman fainted and the other passengers 
shrank back. "It's just a trick," he said, 
chuckling behind the deadpan mask, 


“He swore when he was 12 that he'd come back every year until 
Santa gave him the bike he asked for.” 


which no doubt appeared to them to be 
floating in midair. He riffled a deck of 
cards enigmatically in his gloved hands, 
and when the door opened, he turned 
empty eyes upon them to mesmer- 
ize them long enough to make his escape. 
After that, he took to wearing body 
suits as the first layer, a kind of under- 
coat, much as he hated getting in and out 
of them. 

Mostly, though, he went naked and 
unseen, committing his crimes, indulg- 
ing himself in his manipulative and voy- 
euristic pleasures, Women fascinated 
him, and he loved watching them do 
their private things, frustrating as it was 
at times not to participate. Even when 
they were most exposed, they remained 
unfathomably mysterious to him and an 
unending delight. And it was one day 
while hanging out in the ladies’ room of 
a grand hotel during a hairdressers’ con- 
vention that, when things were slow, he 
stepped into a stall and raised the seat to 
relieve himself, only to have the door 
open behind him and the scat lower i 
self again, and he knew then that he was 
not alone in his in y. Was she (he 
assumed "she") sitting on the seat, or was 
this merely a gender signal and a warn- 
ing? Taking no chances, he backed out 
silently, hoping he wasn't dripping, the 
opening and closing of the stall door no 
doubt telling her all she needed to know. 

Afier that, he began to feel pursued. 
Perhaps she had been following him for 
some time and he hadn't noticed. Now 
he seemed to sense her there whether 
she was or not, and whether or not, he 
had to consider his every move as if she 
were. She might still be an active crime 
fighter, just waiting to apprehend him or 
to avenge some crime he'd committed in 
the past. He retreated from more than 
one burglary, sensing her presence in 
the room, and sometimes it seemed 
there was another hand in the pocket he 
was trying to pick. He watched the wom- 
en on the street carefully in case she, like 
he, occasionally made herself visible, and 
they all appeared to him to be wearing 
masks. He was jostled by absences, felt a 
hot breath often on his neck. Hi 
dropped off sharply and he was even in- 
hibited from acquiring his dai 
ties. Her possible proximity made him 
self-conscious about his personal h 
giene and interfered with his voyeuristic 
routines. He felt especially vulnerable 
inside his own house and went there less 
often, with the consequence that the 
food in his refrigerator spoiled and his 
orchids died. 

How did she know where he was if 
she couldn't see him? By following the 
clues the invisible always leave behin 
footprints in the mud, snow (of course, 
he never walked i in snow) and sand, bod- 
ily excretions, fingerprints (he couldn't 
wear gloves, nor carry them without get- 
ting them messy), discarded costumes 


and toothbrushes, mattress indenta- 
tions, floating objects, swirling dust, 
fogged windows. She could watch for plac- 
es where the rain did not fall and listen 
for the noises his body made. He had 
always stumbled over things; now he 
could not be sure she was not placing 
those things in his path to expose him, 
so just moving about was like negotiating 
a minefield. He had to eat more surrep- 
titiously, not to exhibit the food flying 
about, and so ate too fast, giving himself 
heartburn. But when he started to steal a 
packet of antacids, he thought he saw it 
move as he reached for it. 

Then it occurred to him one day that 
she might not be a crime fighter after 
all, merely another lonely invisible per 
son sceking company, and as soon as he 
had that thought, she disappeared, or 
seemed to. He should have felt relieved, 
but he did not. He found that he missed 
her. Though she had not been exactly 
friendly, she was the nearest thing to a 
friend he'd ever had. He went back to 
where they'd first met and raised and 
lowered the toilet seat, but there was no 
response. He should have spoken up 
that day. He did now: "Are you there?" 
he whispered. No reply, though the la- 
dy in the next stall asked: "Did you say 
something?" “No, dear, just a frog in the 
throat," he wheezed in a cracking falset- 
to, then flushed quickly and swung the 
door open and closed before the woman 
could get up from where she was sitting 
and peek in. But he remained in the stall 
for a time, reflecting on how something 
so ordinary as a toilet seat can be trans- 
formed suddenly into something extraor- 
dinary and, well, beautiful. 

Now he left clues everywhere and 
committed crimes more daring than be- 
fore. If she was a crime fighter, he want- 
ed to be arrested by her. If she was not, 
well, they could be partners. She had 
more room to hide things, so they could 
tackle bigger jobs, As he moved about, 
he swung his arms freely, hoping to 
knock into something that did not seem 
to be there, but caused only unfortunate 
accidents and misdirected anger. Twice 
he got shot at in the dark, He figured it 
was a small price to pay. Perhaps if he 
were hurt she'd feel pity for him and 
make herself known. He began to see 
her, even in her invisibility, as unutter- 
ably beautiful, and he realized he was 
hopelessly in love. He thought of his 
adoration of her as pure and noble, ut- 
terly unlike his life in crime, but he also 
imagined making mad impetuous love 
to her. Rolling about ecstatically in their 
indentations. Nothing he'd seen in his 
invisible powder-room prowls excited 
him more than these imaginings, 

Still, for all his hopes, she gave no fur- 
ther evidence of her existence. In his 
house, he left messages on the mirrors: 
“Take me, I'm yours!” But the messages 
sat there, unanswered, unaltered. When 


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178 


“Hey... wanna rent my bed for a while?” 


he looked in the mirrors, past the letter- 
ing, he could not see his cheeks, but he 
could see the tears sliding down them. 
His love life, once frivolous, had turned 
tragic, and it was all his fault. Why had 
he not wuched her? A fool, a fool! He was 
in despair. He hung out in bars more 
often, drinking other people's drinks. 
He got sick once and threw up beside a 
singing drunk peeing against a wall, 
sobering up the poor man instantly. He 
knew that rumors about him were begin- 
ning to spread, but what did it matter? 
Without her, his life was meaningless. It 
had not been very meaningful before 
she came into it, but now it was com- 
pletely empty. Even crime bored him. So 
did voyeurism: What did he care about 
visible bodies when he 
was obsessed by an in- 
visible one? 

He tried to find 
some reason for going 
on. Over the years, 
he'd been collecting a 
set of antique silver- 
ware from one family, 
a piece at a time. He 
decided to finish the 
set. He didn’t really 
want the silverware, 
but it gave him some- 
thing to do. He suc- 
cessfully picked up 
another couple of 
pieces, operating reck- 
lessly in broad day- 
ight, but then went 
back one time too 
many and, with a 
soupspoon up his ass, 
got bit on the shin by 
a watchdog the family 
had bought to try to 
catch the silverware 
thief. He got away, 
doing rather serious 
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ed to think of as beautiful and invisible. 
He would sometimes sit all day over a 
single page, letting his mind drift, mut- 
tering softly to himself, or more or less 
to himself, all the things he should have 
said when she was still in hi 

Then one day he saw, sitting at anoth- 
er table, also greatly aged, an old police 
captain he used to work with back in his 
crime-fighting days. He made himself 
known to him (the captain did not look 
surprised; perhaps he'd been tailing 
him) and asked him how things were go- 
ing down at the station. 

“Since you left, Invisible Man,” said 
the oflicer, “things have gone from bad 
to worse. You became something of a 
nuisance to us when you took up your 


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“You're asking me to turn against my 
own people,” he said, somewhat preten- 
tiously, for in truth he never thought of 
himself as having people. 

“These aren't your people, Invisible 
Man, it's a whole new breed. They create 
fields of invisibility so their clothing and 
weapons and everything they steal are 
made invisible when they enter them 
And now they're into bomb making.” 

This was serious, all right, but he was 
thinking about his beloved. His former 
beloved. He understood now that she 
might have been trying to recruit him 
for her gang but had found him unwor- 
thy, and he felt hurt by that. 

“They think of you as old-fashioned, 
Invisible Man, and have said some very 
unflattering things 
about you. In par- 
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all the way home. He 
supposed they'd fol- 
low the trail, didn't 
care if they did, but 
they didn't. Maybe they were satisfied 
not to lose the spoon. 

But the wound was slow to heal, and 
he couldn't go about with it or the ban- 
dage on it exposed, so he donned the 
costume ofan old man (he was an old 
man!) and spent his days in cheap coffee 
shops feeling sorry for himself and 
mooning over his lost love. He went on 
doing this even after the dog bite had 
healed, drawn to coffee shops with sad 
songs on their sound systems. He no 
longer stole but bought most of what he 
needed, which was little but now includ- 
ed reading materials. He avoided news- 
papers and magazines, preferring old 
novels from vanished times, mostly those 
written by women, all of whom he tend- 


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could understand and make allowances 
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our civilization.” 

The Invisible Man stroked his false 
beard thoughtfully. “And since I stopped 
being a crime fighter, have you had help 
from any other person like myself?” 

“No. Until these new gangs came 
along, you were unique, Invisible Man.” 
So, he thought, she might be among 
them. “It's why we're turning to you 
now. We're asking you to come back to 
the force, Invisible Man. We need you to 
infiltrate these gangs and help us stop 
them before it’s too late.” 


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So once again he 
took up his old life as 
a crime fighter, but 
under cover of re- 
newed criminality, 
drifting somewhat 
cynically through the 
city in his old invisible 
skin, targeting the city 
fathers for his bur- 
glaries and vandal- 
isms, dropping in- 
flammatory notes to 
draw attention to 
himself and even, 
with help from the 
captain, blowing up 
the captain's own car, which he said was 
anyway in need of extensive clutch and 
transmission repairs, so he was glad to 
get rid of it. In short, he was making 
himself available, waiting to be contact- 
ed. Would she be among them? He felt 
misunderstood by her, undervalued and 
in some odd way misused. A victim of 
love. Which he no longer believed in, 
even while still in the grip of its unseen 
power. And if he found her again, would 
he crash her system? Or would she suc- 
ceed in seducing him into her gang's ne- 
larious activities? Who knows? He decid- 
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PLAYBOY 


KISS 


(continued from page 126) 
liked this girl. But there was something 
about the woman on the phone, a wom- 
an I hadn't been sexual with yet, that I 
couldn't ignore. 

Cher met me at the Los Angeles air- 
irt. At the time, 
ajor differences be- 
the coasts. California had already 
gone casual—it was all about dressing 
natural and looking natural. In New 
York, if you had money, you showed it 
on your back: silk shirts, leather pants, 
all those kinds of things. No one wore 
s and T-shirts except for bums. New 
s the Dolls. Los Angeles was the 
Doobie Brothers. Before I knew it, I 
moved right in. 
Still, when I first arrived in California, 
I was walking around on shaky legs. 
With groupies, I didn’t have to explain 
who and what I was. Suddenly, Im go- 
g around with Cher and being a father 
figure to her children, going on walks, 
having conversations. | remember once 
Cher woke me up early in the morning. 
We had moved to her Malibu home. | 
id, “What, what?” It must have been 
1 the morning. 
"Ler's go running," she said. I said, 
"Where to?" I put on my leather pants 


n jeans and a 


and silk shirt and snakeskin boots. "You 
can’t dress like that,” she said. 

“Why not?” I said. 

“You've got to put on sneakers and 
shorts, because we're going to run on 
the beach.” 

“Why?” I said. I was dumbfounded. 1 
mean, you didn't do that in New York. 
Not in 1978. Jog was not even a word I 
knew. In New York it was always too cold 
to run, and where were you going to 
run, anyway? It was something you did 
when somebody was chasing you. 

So we went. There I was, running 
alongside Cher in my snakeskin boots, 
and I could barely stand up because my 
boots were sinking into the sand. And 
out on the beach I saw Neil Diamond 
and Barbra Streisand. It was like I was 
on another planet. 

I was being related to in a different 
way, for the first time in my life. Cher 
had her opinions about the women I had 
been with. I wouldn't say she was jeal- 
ous, not exactly. I was a rock star and 
had been a rock star for quite some time, 
with a reputation for chasing skirts. It was 
the only thing I could do on the road, 
since I didn't drink or take drugs. What 
threw Cher was the photography. Since 
1976 or so, I had been taking pictures 
of the girls 1 had been with, sometimes 
film footage. I didn't d ithout their 


та. 


“Oh, come on—you know better than anybody—times change!” 


knowledge or compliance. In fact, most 
of the girls were thrilled about it. It was a 
hobby of mine, partly to keep things ex- 
citing and partly as a kind of documen- 
tary. There were so many girls—by the 
time I met Cher, at least a few thousand. 
At one point I told Cher about the pho. 
tographs. It wasn't to confess, because 1 
didn't feel guilty. I just wanted to share 
everything with her. She was shocked. 
She didn't understand why I would want 
to do that. 


INTRODUCING NEW DRUMMER ERIC CARR 


Alter Unmasked came out in 1980, we 
started to look for a new drummer. Au- 
ditions were held again in New York. 
Hundreds of people showed up, includ- 
ing this guy who was a stove cleaner in 
White Plains—Paul Caravello. 

The moment he left the audition, we 
decided he should be in the band. We 
called him and offered him the job, and 
he couldn't believe it. We changed his 
name from Paul Caravello to Eric Carr, 
and we even went out and bought him a 
Porsche so he wouldn't feel substandard. 
We wanted him to know he was in the 
fold. He was one of us. 

Bringing Eric into the band the way 
we did—just before a tour, with little 
preparation and tons of enthusiasm— 
was like living the beginning of our ca- 
reers all over again. 

Everything was brand-new for Eric 
He was wide-eyed as we started our Eu- 
ropean tour and not used to the kind of 
fame we were experiencing. One night 
we were in a hotel in England, and he 
was downstairs in the bar. There were 
girls there, as always. One of them in- 
troduced herself as a photographer for 
Melody Maker, the British music paper. 
Eric talked to her for a while and gave 
her the complete new-rock-star rap. At 
one point he asked her if she wanted to 
come up and take nude pictures of him. 
She said, “Sure.” So they went up, and 
apparently he had told her, “Look, these 
pictures are just for you.” She said she 
understood completely. Eric got into a 
bathtub nude, holding a champagne 
glass with shades on and this big mop- 
top head of hair. Apparently, they didn't 
spend the night together —after she took 
the pictures, she took off. The next day 
Eric related the story to us. We doubled 
over laughing. It was like Trust on the 
Road 101. "Are you out of your mind?" 
we said. "This girl is going to print those 
photos." Eric protested for a second, but 
then the truth dawned on him. "Oh my 
God!” he said. “You think she will?” Of 
course, she did. 


GROUPIES 


One in every 14 people in Australia 
had bought a Kiss record. We played 
multiple dates in soccer stadiums when 
nobody else had ever played stadiums 
there. 

The effect of this hysteria was that we 


couldn't go anywhere. This might have 
been torture, but the Australian promot- 
er, bless him, rented entire clubs and 
filled them with girls. 

During one of those lavish private par- 
ties on the Australian tour, Eric became 
fascinated by one girl in a club. He was 
still wearing a camouflage outfit, and ev- 
eryone else was dressed for nightlife— 
the guys in leather jackets and frilly 
shirts, and the girls in very litle—except 
for this one girl, who looked like a fe- 
male version of Eric, in a woman's cam- 
ouflage outfit. She was beautiful and 
very shapely but Eric didn't want to go 
over, so | arranged for the girl to come 
talk to him, and the two of them hit it off 
He was in the process of persuading het 
to go back to the hotel, and she kind of 
laughed and said. “Look, I can’t go back 
with you. I'm married." Eric backed off 
immediately. | was amazed. "What's the 
problem?” I said. “If you want her to go, 
just invite her, and then it’s up to her. 
Whether she's married or not, it’s her 
choice.” So he told her where we were 
going to be next: Melbourne, 1 think 
And wouldn't you know it—she decided 
to come to see him. She got on a plane 
and flew to meet us. 

Most guys would have been thrilled, 
but Eric was so nervous that by the end 
of the day he had horrible gas pains. He 
had to go to the bathroom every five 
minutes. Needless to say, the girl didn't 
hang out for long. It was like that with 
Eric. Something always happened to 
him. On another tour a few years later, 
when we were on the road in America 
touring for Creatures of the Night, Eric 
wrote a long letter in response to a girl 
who had written him. Eric was always 
very emotional, and it wasn't unusual for 
him to reply to a fan letter with a five- or 
10-page handwritten answer. After he 
replied to one letter, he ended up having 
something of a friendship with this girl 
from Phoenix. 

When we got to Phoenix on the tour, 
Eric told me about the girl. He couldn't 
wait to see her. Alter our sound check, 
Eric left, and I noticed a beautiful girl in 
a red dress standing at the back of the 
empty hall. She had on makeup, per- 
fume, the whole thing. As was my cus- 
tom, took her into my ollice, which was 
the backstage bathroom, and threw her 
on the floor. We had an exchange, shall 
we say, We became very close friends in 
a number of positions, and there was a 
photo session afterward. There always 
was. Then she happily left 

Later that evening, as we were putting 
on our makeup, I told Eric about my li- 
aison. He wasn't really listening; he was 
still preoccupied with his Phoenix girl 
So we started talking about that, and 
1 happened to ask him how he would 
know her, since they had never met. 
"Well." he said, "she told me she'd be 
wearing a red dress." As he was telling 
me what she looked like, the horror of it 


dawned on me. I showed him the photos 
from that afternoon's meet-and-greet 
and asked, "Is this her?" Well, he was 
devastated. I apologized. 1 told him I 
didn't know. And that wasn't even the 
end ofit. That night back at the hotel the 
two of them met, and he was very upset 
with her. They fought, and he threw her 
out, and she came down the hall for a 
second visit with me 

1 didn’t want Eric to be upset with 
me—not over this or anything else. I 
tried to give him the lay of the land and 
told him he couldn't take any of this se- 
riously. For me, it was about fun and 
games: If you go to a beauty pageant and 
there are four girls there, do you really 
care who you wind up with? But since it 
was new to him it really affected him. 


HEF'S MANSION PARTIES AND. 
SHANNON TWEED 


In 1984, during the making of Run- 
away, 1 would have enough time off dur- 
ing weekends that I could fly into Los 
Angeles and run around to parties. The 
best parties were at the Playboy Ma 
sion, especially the Midsummer Night's 
Dream parties, which were big summer 
bashes with hundreds of girls in corsets 
and underwear and a select group of el- 
igible bachelors. Guys were not allowed 
in unless they dressed in pajamas, and 
girls had to wear as lite as possible. The 
ratio was something like 4:1. That's how 
Hugh Hefner liked his parties. 

AL one party I spent some time—and 
made some time—with a few gorgeous 
women, and then I ran into Richard Per- 
ry, a record producer I knew who had 
produced everybody from Rod Stewart 
to the Pointer Sisters. Perry introduced 
me toa girl named Shannon Tweed and 
her sister, Tracy, Both of them wore 
stiletto heels and corsets, and both were 
formidable—well over six feet tall. You 
can imagine the effect. I was devastated 
by Shannon in particular and did every- 
thing to try to woo her. We talked for a 
while. At first she wasn't interested, but 
after a while she came back around to 
talk with me. Then she took me to the 
library, where a secret door behind a 
bookcase opened into a passage that led 
toa wine cellar below. She sat down ona 
table in there, and 1 remembered think- 
ing this was clearly an invitation. 

But five minutes went by without any 
sex, and then LO minutes. I remember 
just being lost in conversation with her. 
She came from Newfoundland and I 
came from Israel, and we started talking 
about the strangeness of America and 
how we both felt like fish out of water. 
After that we went upstairs, not having 
consummated our first meeting. On the 
way out she gave me her number and 
said, “Call me.” 

After meeting Shannon, I lost interest 
in the other new friends I had made that 
night, including Miss February. 

I went back to the Beverly H 


s Hotel, 


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and all that night and the next morn- 
ing I tried calling her. She'd given me 
a wrong number. A guy answered. He 
had never heard of Shannon Tweed. 1 
couldn't figure it out. Eventually, I fig- 
ured I had been taken for a ride. Then, 
as I was watching television in my single 
room at the hotel, I saw a photo being 
pushed under my door. I got up and 
looked at the photo. It was a black-and- 
white headshot of Shannon. Then I 
looked on the back, and there was a 


handwri I've never been so 


ber, why didn't you call me? Next ume 
bea man and don't start anything you're 
not going to finish.” It was that kind of 
letter. On the bottom it said, “If you sull 
have the guts, here's the phone num- 
ber.” ‘The number was different from the 
number she had given me the day be- 
fore—only one digit different, but that’s 
enough. I called her up immediately 
and said, “I say what I mean and mean 
what I say, and you gave me the wrong 
number.” 

“The wrong number?” Shannon said. 
"Don't you think I know my own phone 
number?” 

"I'm just saying that the last number is 
different," I said. She was angry at first, 
but eventually she relented. I went over 
to see her and was overtaken with pas- 
and lust. 

This new level of intimacy made me 
want to share everything with Shannon. 
I started talking about everything, about 
how I was straight, had never been 
drunk, but that I had chased a skirt or 
two in my day. I even told her about the 
photographs. I had always felt, if I had 
been the girl, that I would want a picture 


of the experience. I'd had a few thou- 
sand liaisons and had taken photos of al- 
most all the ladies. I told her everything 
that she needed to know about me. No 
secrets. I remember putting all the pic- 
tures on the table and letting her go 
through them. She couldn't believe it. 
She didn't understand it. But she wasn't 
judgmental. She has always been like 
that. I didn’t know much about Shan- 
non’s life until we started living together. 
I didn't read р лувоү, although I had 
obviously seen the magazine at friends’ 
homes. I wasn't aware, until she showed 
me, how many times she had been on 
the cover and inside. Perhaps some men 
would have a problem with millions of 
others looking at nude photographs of 
the woman they were with, but I was ac- 
tually proud of the fact. Nudity to me 
isn't an issue. Violence and drugs are. As 
far as 1 am concerned, if everyone had 
more sex there would be less violence, 

Shannon was the girl of my dreams 
She kept getting more beautiful. She nev- 
er asked where I was going. She never 
asked when I was coming back. 

ONE LAST KISS 

We wanted to go where no band had 
gone before. We wanted our fans to be 
proud of us. We wanted to make a spec- 
tacle of ourselves. And we did. So Kiss 
will continue. Maybe not in the way ev- 
eryone expects it to, but it will live on. 
There will be a Kiss cartoon and a theme 
park. There are already Kiss caskets. 
They say you can't take it with you, but I 
say you can. 


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Ocean 5 11 


(continued from page 100) 
who might reunite to pull off a brazen 
Stateside m 


multancously at the stroke of midnight 
on New Year's Eve, once they'd rigged 
all the lights to go out. Lawford liked the 
yarn, but wanted no part of working 
with Kay, who tried peddling the project 
elsewhere for three more years to no 
avail before finally selling the property 
to Lawford and his wife for 10 grand. 
Lawlord took the idea to Frank. “He 
flipped,” said Lawford. Frank owed War- 
ner Bros. a picture at the time and saw 
this one as an excuse to spread fine, 
fresh sin all over Sin City. Studio chief 
Jack Warner famously suggested they 
skip making the movie and just pull the 
job themselves. 


Frank had a favorite expression back 
then and deployed it often during the 
making of the film. Every day, usually in 
the Sands steam room where the walls 
absorbed the toxins of the gods, he asked 
his fellows: “How's your bird?” His con- 
cern was anatomical. He liked knowing 
that everybody's birds were being prop- 
erly nurtured and fed. He was that kind 
of caring guy. 


1 wonder if Tom Hanks knew about 
this: The 11 men of Ocean's 11 were all 
said to be former elite paratroopers of 
the Army's 82nd Airborne Division. The 
heroes of Hanks’ epic true-life World 
War II HBO miniseries Band of Brothers 
were elite paratroopers of the Army's 
101st Airborne Division. On the morn- 
ing of D Day, June 6, 1944—in actual 
life—both the 101st and the 82nd Di- 
ons parachuted into Normandy, 
and wound up fighting in many horrif- 
ic campaigns together. (Having closely 
studied Band of Brothers, 1 could not spot 
any swingers in the ranks of the 82nd, 
but it’s nice to think some might have 
been there.) Lawford alludes to such in 
his first scene in the movie—a great one 
where an anonymous lovely straddles 
his naked back, admi 
worthy of James Bond, wi 
a constantly ringing telephone. He ex- 
plains that he never answers the phone 
in December—"because one Decem- 
ber, every time I answered the phone, 
they made me take some little friends 
and go out in the snow. That was at the 
Bulge—an out-of-season brouhaha in 
Belgium.” The same Bulge, of course, 
that that other band of brothers was de- 
fending—ostensibly right next to these 
guys. After the film was released, Frank 
received a letter from several vets of the 
82nd offering their assistance any time 
he wished to rob Vegas again. He thought 
that was a kick. 


nores 


How Frank asked Sammy to join the cast: “We're not setting 
out to make Hamlet or Gone With the Wind. The idea is to hang 
out together, find fun with the broads and have a great time. 
We gotta make pictures that people enjoy. Entertainment, pe- 
riod. We gotta have laughs.” 


One of the 11 was Henry Silva, the wonderful sinister-faced 
actor Frank loved and first encountered a year earlier when 
he chased Silva down Sunset Boulevard in а black Cadillac so 
as to holler out the window, “Hey, Henry, 1 like you in mov- 
ies.” (“I thought, Holy shit! That's Frank Sinatra!” says Silva, 
still awed.) Shortly thereafter. Frank recruited him for Ocean's 
11, which Silva says he hasn't seen in more than 30 years. But 
certain memories linger: “One thing 1 really loved about do- 
ing this film was that nobody slept. You didn't want to sleep. 1 
was young—I didn't need any damn sleep. There was booze, 
cigarettes—not that I drank or smoked—and wild, wild wom- 
en. There was a lot of sex. It was joyous. 1 romanced a lot of 
ladies. 1 could fall out of bed laughing with some girl, with all 
kinds of girls. The most gorgeous girls imaginable. You felt like 
you were dreaming, there was something so surreal about it.” 

Second opinion: Tony Curtis wasn't one of the 11 but was to 
make a cameo appearance as a blackjack dealer in a scene that 
was never filmed. He was there on weekends to play with the 
boys alter the last Summit show of the night—and he remem- 
bers the girls most of all. "There were very few that escaped 
us,” he says. “Very few. Let me tell you, Frank wasn’t a wom- 
anizer—he was womanized! They were everywhere.” 


Why they were his 11: Frank is Danny Ocean, the former 
platoon sergeant who is actually outranked by Lawford's idle- 
trust-fund-playboy character, former Lieutenant Jimmy Fos- 
ter—but since this was Frank's production, Frank leads the 
troop, then and now, got it? (Forever his own man, he count- 
ed himself as one of the 11.) Ocean is a slick operator looking 
to make the big score, which has now landed in his lap, be- 
cause Joey Bishop's character (a platoon mate and ex-prize- 
fighter named Mushy) has fallen in with a Beverly Hills rack- 
eteer named Acebos, who has cooked up this scheme to knock 
over five casinos—the Sands, Flamingo, Riviera, Sahara and 
Desert Inn—on New Year's Eve, but he needs a steely-nerved 
squadron to pull off the job with precision. Joey thinks of 
Frank, whois first seen wearing an impossibly orange mohair 
sweater (orange always made him happy), shooing a pair of 
women out of Lawford's hotel room, slapping one of them on 
the as ll right, girls, time for your nap! Beat it! See ya lat- 
er Ta-ta.” He then seltzer-sprays a prone Lawford off a 
couch—"Up, Loverboy! Get up!”—to further establish just 
who itis that runs the show here. 


Before going any further, let me address a recurring criti- 
cism of the original Ocean's 11: Yes, this is one long (127 delib- 
erate minutes) and laid-back sashay of a movie—particular 
for a heist caper. “The energy that went into the Rat Pack's fa- 
bled evenings at the Sands is noticeably missing in the film, 
along with any real sense of urgency,” writes Mike Weather- 
ford in his fine, funny book Cull Vegas. Or, as Newsweek stated: 
“The major suspense lies in whether Frank, Dean, et al. will 
get their hands out of their pockets long enough to pull off 
the robbery.” Which, in the end, The New Yorker concluded, 
“they accomplish with a um of suspense.” Whatever. 
My feeling is that this is prima film designed to demon- 
strate the art of perfect casual swagger—something all guys 
want to learn how to affect—so screw the pace. These 11 
characters, purportedly bored senseless with their postwar 
lives and ready for action, transmit a most gorgeous non- 
chalance throughout. From the Big Five on down—through 


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184 


supporting actors Silva, Richard “Nick” 
Conte, Norman Fell, Richard Benedict, 
Clem Harvey and the great tummler 
Buddy Lester—to a man, each has the 
withdrawn air of a hangover victim 
(Probably because most of them had 
hangovers at the time—bur still.) When 
Frank hosted The Tonight Show 17 years 
later, his leading lady and panel guest 
Angie Dickinson addressed this point ex- 
“1 was wondering, did you sleep at 
all?" Frank chuckled slyly: “When we were 
standing up. From time to time, we got a 
few naps, you know.” (Dean had put it 
this way: "I do get some rest. Luckily, 1 
faint a lot.") 


"Star-Light, Star-Bright, Which Star 
Shines Tonight?" That was how the Sum- 
mit at the Sands advertised itself around 
town—hinting that, at best, maybe two 
or three of the five might be aglow on- 
stage during any given show. But they 
were almost always lit en masse, at eight 
o'clock and again at midnight, from Jan- 
wary 90 to February 16, inside the cozy 
Copa Room, where 600 or so fortunate 
witnesses at a time could get a load of 
this delirium set to song, and where un- 
connected thousands were given the 
brush. (Frank, not at all coincidentally, 
owned nine backend points in the Sands 


and Dean owned one point, which was 
why everything, off-camera, happened 
at the Sands.) After the second show, no- 
body went to bed any time soon, since 
Frank liked to greet all rising dawns, 


liked to marvel at the beckoning hue of 


horizon he called Vegas Blue, and never 
liked doing it alone. Most of them stayed 
and played and drank—although Dean 
and Joey knew how to sneak out. Mean- 
while, on February 2, 14 days into the 
Summiteering, Sammy was reported to 
have “passed out colder than a refrig- 
erated mackerel from too much bubbly 
water, lack of sleep, and a hard day and 
night behind the movie cameras and Co- 
pa Room footlights.” (Wrote Sam, in his 
second of three published memoirs, get- 
ting time frame wrong as they all did, 
and would, since ether had long dulled 
hope of lucid memory: "After eight 
weeks, I finally keeled over and spent a 
week in the hospital with nervous ex- 
haustion.”) Said Lawford: “They were 
taking bets we'd all end up in a box.” 


It takes nearly half of the movie to get 
the 11 of them assembled together for 
the big scene where Frank spills the de- 
tails of the job at hand. Dean's character, 
lounge singer Sam Harmon, has flown 
in from a gig in Hawaii. Sammy's charac- 


“Hey, you two, they're about lo drop the ball!” 


ter, one-eyed Josh Howard, was found in 
Vegas driving a garbage truck. (Onstage 
each night, Sammy made much hay over 
his role: “My friend Frank asked me to 
play a garbage collector in the picture— 
сап I thank you enough, sire?”) Litle 
Josh is the most upbeat of the crew: 
“The way I figure it is like this,” he s. 
“The 11 of us cats a st this one li 
city? We're in overlay!" They all congre- 
gate in the Beverly Hills rumpus room 
of this mastermind racketeer, where 
Frank gathers them around the pool 
table and carefully explains their un- 
likely mission. “Cuckoo,” says Lawford 
afterward, “Day after tomorrow, gentle- 
men,” says Frank, “we'll be in Las Ve- 
gas.” Wordlessly, he lays his palm down 
on the green felt table and, one by one, 
the palms of the other 10 men pile on 
top (Sammy's hand crowns them all). Af- 
ter which, cool as a shiv, Frank says only 
this: “Happy New Year.” 


“That hand-on-the-table business was 
invented on the spot by Sinatra,” says his 
son, Frank Sinatra Jr.. who provides 
bright audio commentary on the recent 
DVD reissue of the film. “He told none 
of the other actors what he was going to 
do, but they just followed suit, and the 
camera dollied down on those hands 
When they looked at it afterwaré the 
jection room, everybody applaud- 
ed.” (It would become one of the great 
male-bonding moments in pop history.) 
Frank Jr. watched his father shoot that 
scene and many others up close and can 
recite reams of breezy dialogue from the 
film verbatim, perfectly mimicking each 
actor's voice. “People think I'm some 
kind of nut because I remember motion- 
picture dialogue,” he confessed to me. 
“But some of it is absolute poetry, just 
the brevity of it.” (He also gave me some 


swell sides from Citizen Kane and Forbid- 
den Planet.) Because his father told him 
as much, he attributes much of 17's po- 


who received no dit (as Harry 
Brown and Charles Lederer did) but 
had worked for months with Frank and 
seven years later would write the det 
tive movie Tony Rome for him. Junio 
lustrates his admiration for Breen thus 
ly: “There's the scene where Hank Silva 
first finds Nick Conte to tell him about 
the plan, and Conte is suspicious. He 
says, “Sounds like the kind of reunion 
that could put me back in Calendar 
Hall' meaning back in prison, but what 
a line! In 1960, I was locked up in a col- 
lege preparatory school, which I hated. 
From the moment I saw the rushes of 
movie, I referred to that school as 
lar Hall, and still do.” 


In grainy newsreel footage of Summit 
shows, the boys can be seen introducing 


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of various performances. At least once, 
Frank is seen making this introduction: 
“Ladies and gentlemen, we'd all like you 
to meet a mahvelous man, the man 
who's guiding us in this movie, the fa- 
mous director Mr. Lewis Milestone!” 
(Milestone stands and Joey tells him, 
“What you just did is bigger than the 
part I have in the picture!” This, by the 
way, happened almost nightly.) At 64, 
the Russian-born Milestone—or Milly, as 
they called him—was formidable of ped- 
igrce, having directed such Thirties clas 
sics as AU Quiet on the Western Front, The 
Front Page and Of Mice and Men, but sur- 
viving Frank and company tested his met- 
Че as nothing else ever had. They rattled 
him with firecrackers, stink bombs and 
merry inattention: “It’s maybe an un- 
derstatement to tell you that there was 
some friction between Sinatra and Mile- 
stone,” allows Frank Jr. As Buddy Lester 
recalls, “I once said to Frank, ‘Geez, Mile- 
stone's a big dramatic director! Let's do 
what he says.’ Frank said, "Don't worry. 
He won't bother anybody. And he didn't. 
He was the most patient man in the 
world.” Says Henry Silva: “One day Mile- 
stone runs up to us and says, ‘Frank, lis- 
ten, we're six pages behind schedule!” 
Frank said, "Which six pages? And Mile- 
stone said, These! Frank grabbed them, 
ripped them out of the script and said, 
“We just caught up.’ It wasn't meant to 
hurt the guy —Frank just knew what he 
wanted.” (So many scenes were changed 
or cut as they filmed that Dean at one 
point said to Frank, “You will give me a 
chance to read the script before we're 
through shooting it, won't yo 

Legend suggests the big fellows 
worked every day and performed every 
night, subsisting solely on brio and the 
fumes of Jack Daniel's. In truth, out of 
the 25 days of Las Vegas filming, Frank 
worked just nine before the camera, usu- 
ally late in the afternoon. (Not that he 
wasn't busy on the other side of the lens, 
one way or another.) Whereas Milestone 
was a paragon of patience, Frank called 
himself One-Take Charley, as he was 
loath to do a scene over again, in this or 
any movie. “That's as good as it's gonna 
get,” he'd say, then beat it. Or ofien he 
didn't say anything at all, as Angie Dick- 
inson learned after her first and only 
scene with him, shot later on a Warner 
Bros. soundstage. Playing Beatrice, the 
long-suflering and estranged Mrs, Dan- 
ny Occan— "just a pissed-off wife,” as she 
now puts it—Angie turns up early in the 
movie, encountering Dean, who 
asks why their marriage went south. “It 
drowned in champagne,” she tells him. 
“I want a life that doesn't depend on the 
color of a card or the length of à horse's 
nose." Then Frank appears, much to her 
chagrin, and hustles her up to an empty 
penthouse restaurant, promises that his 
ship is about to come in, and instructs 
her to be ready with a packed bag on 


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January 2 so as to “hop on down to Rio.” 
(She scoffs, whereupon he delivers the 
haymaker: “So what's wrong with a lit- 
tle hey-hey?”) “The scene ended when 
Frank got up and walked out of the res- 
taurant,” Angie recalls. “Except he just 
kept on walking. I said, ‘Frank, maybe 
1 wasn't very good. Maybe we need an- 
other one.’ He was already out of ear- 
shot. He was gone. I just sat there, dumb- 
struck. I've never known a man who 
knew so exactly what was right for him at 
all times.” 


Back to that Summit footage again: 
Mere moments alter Frank had intro- 
duced Milestone and just before Dean 
introduced Milton Berle (who jumped 
on the stage to say, “Great pleasure to be 
up here with all these fags tonight, ladies 
and gentlemen!"), Frank pointed to a 
table just below center stage where John 
Fitzgerald Kennedy sat, flanked by little 
brother Teddy and a pair of women, one 
of whom was Judith Campbell, his fu- 


ture mistress and one of Frank's former 
playthings. (They had just met at the 
table, where Frank had planted her.) 
Said Frank (as Sammy goosed his as: 
“I personally feel I'm gonna visit 
in that House one day very soon!” Said 
Dean: "I'm gonna visit the outhouse 
very soon!” They made him stand up 
twice. Dean said, “What was his last 
name again?” Frank fell down laughing, 
then goosed Dean. This was Sunday, 
February 7; the next president attended 
both of the evening’s shows, then hearti- 
ly partook of lascivious predawn carous- 
al upstairs in a private suite. Frank— 
who had by now started calling the sena- 
tor Chicky Baby—orchestrated the activ- 
ities, of course. At one point, Lawford 
took Sammy aside and said, “If you want 
to see what a million dollars in cash looks 
like, go into the next room. There's a 
brown leather satchel in the closet. Open 
it.” It was a campaign contribution from 
the Sands. Sammy later wrote: “I never 
went near it. І was also told there were 
four wild girls scheduled to entertain 


‘A happy holiday to you, loo! . . . And to whoever it was who 
came up with the Blow Job of the Month concept.” 


him, and I didn't want to hear about 
that, either, and 1 got out of there. Some 
things you don't want to know.” The 
next day, Chicky Baby lunched with 
Judy Campbell on Frank's private patio, 
where they discussed religion and she 
fell in love with him. They sattogether at 
both Summit shows again that night, just 
before he left town. Campbell would 
write that the following day she “woke 
up feeling like Scarlett O'Hara the 
morning after Rhett Butler carried her 
up the stairs.” Years later, Lawford 
summed it up: "I was Frank's pimp, and 
Frank was Jack's pimp. It sounds terrible 
now, but it was really a lot of fun.” 


Pause button required: There isa split 
second in the film when Frank cruises 
through the Sands casino that a tall, 
broad-shouldered, brown-haired man in 
a dark suit can be spotted standing next 
to a woman at a gaming table, his back 
turned to the camera. 1 have been told, 
with some conviction, that that man 
would be elected president of the United 
States 10 months later. Kind of changes 
the whole movie for you, doesn't it? 


Without a hitch, the job is pulled, 
thanks to the demolition of a power sta- 
tion at midnight, and the rewiring of au- 
tomatic doors to the five casino-cashiers 
cages, which pop open when the power 
snuffs. (This electric wizardry was the 
work of Nick Conte's hard-luck char- 
acter, who we already know has a bum 
ticker and lives on borrowed time, as 
revealed in his famous medical exam 
scene: “Look, Doc, just give it to me 
straight,” he barks. “Is it the Big Casi- 
no?”) Posthaste, the boys stuff $2 million 
apiece into five matching canvas airline 
bags, which Sam whisks off in his gar- 
bage truck. (Historical footnote: In 
1947, Frank was falsely accused of trans- 
porting to Havana a briefcase contain- 
ing $2 million earmarked for mob boss 
Lucky Luciano. Frank said at the time 
and thereafter: "If you can find me an 
attaché case that holds $2 million, I will 
give you the $2 million.” Who knew about 
these airline bags?) Afterward, outside 
on the Strip, Frank frets: “Things went 
too easy.” Then he and Lawford watch 
Conte cross the street in front of the Riv- 
iera, where he clutches his chest and im 
mediately departs for the Big Casino in 
the sky. Things unravel fast. They decide 
to sneak the loot out of town by hiding 
i ide Conte's casket, which is to be 
shipped home to California. (Frank dubs 
the scheme Operation Pine Box.) Gon- 
te's widow, however, suddenly opts to 
spare the expense and plant him in Ve- 
gas, on the spot. The boys rush to the 
mortuary chapel, where the memorial 
service has begun, and they pack them- 
selves together into one long pew, Jo- 
ey on the far left, Frank on the far right, 


except for an usher seated on the aisle 
beside him (played by Frank's favorite 
Los Angeles restaurateur, Nicky Blair). 

‘Then the finest scene of all: No casket 
is visible, but there is an audible grind- 
ing, which prompts Joey to mutter, 
"What's that noise?” The question is 
down the row all the way to 
he deceased is being cremat- 
ed,” offers Blair. Frank's face falls, as 
does each face as the news is whispered 
all the way back to Joey, who delivers his 
own deadpan punctuation. (“I shifted 
from my right leg over my lefi to my left 
leg over my right, put my head on my 
hand and gave a big deep sigh,” he says. 
“I was supposed to say something, but I 
told the director it was better if I just did 
that. 1 had liberty to ad-lib, you know.") 

Cut to the street and the infamous 
Walk of Woe: Broke, broken and smok- 
ing cigarettes, they wander past the cam- 
era in single file while their credits ap- 
pear across their Sy Devore suits—first 
Lawford, then Dean, then Frank, then 
Silva, then Joey, etc., with Sammy bring- 
ing up the rear, his own mournful voice- 
over on the soundtrack reprising their 
theme, Eee-o-Eleven. Over Sam's head, 
we finally see the marquee of the Sands 
advertising the names of the five Sum- 
miteers—which Frank thought would be 
a nice kind of a kick, which it has been 
ever since. 


“They had five different endings,” 
Frank Jr. told me, “and nobody was hap- 
py with any of them, including the one 
that's in the movie.” In the script, for in- 
stance, as they walk along, their eyes tilt 
skyward as Conte’s widow flies above 
them ina small plane, scattering the cre- 
mains—and the incinerated millions— 
onto the Strip. (“The ashes, falling away 
from the plane, gleam in the sun like 
ver smoke.”) Frank always credited Mile- 
stone for coming up with the cremation 
idea—"a mahvelous switch,” he recalled 
in 1977 on The Tonight Show. He also 
said: “Even today, someone will say to 
me, ‘Couldn't you guys have kept $5000 
instead of burning it all up?" 1 say, “No, 
you can’t do that." Another option, ac- 
cording to Frank Jr., had the money 
burning, along with one or all of the 
guys, in a plane crash. And then there 
was the “upbeat” version in which the 
plan succeeds and they all rob Conte's 
grave—"but the picture was already run- 
ning over 120 minutes,” says Junior, 
“and they wanted to get it over with.” 

Meanwhile, in the paperback novel- 
ization's two final amazing pages that fol- 
low the cremation, weeks have passed 
and we learn that Joey's character, 
Mushy, has been ordered by Acebos, the 
mastermind racketeer, to hunt down 
and murder all the rest of the boys as 
payment for blowing the job. Lawford's 
character, we learn, got it in a car wreck. 
Sammy's Josh was found dead in a 


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Detroit alley. Now Joey and two hench- 
men find Frank and Dean holed up in a 
fleabag Connecticut hotel room. Frank's 
Danny Ocean is now a sodden wino. 
“He's been past feeling anything for a 
long time,” says Dean’s character, who 
nevertheless steps in front of Frank's 
bullet before Frank gets his. Joey, the 
last man standing, did it with tears in 
his eyes. 


The movie—which cost $2 million to 
make—premiered on August 3 that year, 
in Las Vegas, natch, with all of them in 
attendance, and would haul in the ninth 
biggest box-office take of 1960 (behind 
Psycho, Spartacus, La Dolce Vita and The 
Apartment). The next year, the Big Five 
reconvened to make another picture, 
called Sergeants 3, a woolly Western 
based on Gunga Din—but they shot it 
in Kanab, Utah, 200 miles from Vegas, 
which wasn't much r-u-N at all. The year 
after that, Frank, Dean and Sammy 
made the final Rat Pack film, Robin and 
the Seven Hoods (minus Joey and Law- 
ford), and it was during work on location 
ata cemetery that Frank heard that Ken- 
nedy was dead, and nothing was ever 
quite the same after that—not that they 
didn't try. 


“All those guys never thought that 
they were going to get old,” says Frank 


Jr. “The worst offender was Sinatra. 
He never thought he was going to get 
old, and when he realized he was, it 
drove him crazy. Somebody so strong 
and electric and vital could not bear 
to live with the thought that he was mor- 
tal after all.” 


“1 visited Frank at home a couple of 
weeks before he died,” Henry Silva told 
me. “He looked so strong I thought, 
This guy's gonna live for another 15 
years! We started talking—about Vegas, 
the Sands, Kennedy, this very movie, 
in fact. We talked about all kinds of 
things. And then all of a sudden he said 
to me, ‘It's Tuesday, right? What time is 
it?" I said, ‘It's 8:30.’ He said, ‘Jesus Christ, 
what a boring life. It's 8:30 and nothing 
to do. I'm going to bed.’ Then he said, 
"Hey, wait! Before I go to bed, let's have 
an apple.’ I said, "You? An apple?’ He 
said, ‘Me. An apple.’ I took part of his 
apple. He said, ‘You know what? Lam go- 
ing to go to bed.’ And two weeks later he 
was gone.” 


“We couldn't wait to go to work!" says 
Joey, still the last man standing. “Do you 
understand? It was about fun. Are you 
listening to me? F- 


Terrorist Dollar 


(continued from page 74) 
multinational scams. In one, they hire 
Dominicans, Haitians and Nigerians to 
stage auto accidents, then escort the walk- 
ing wounded to doctors and attorneys. 
Bills are run up to just undera threshold 
that would otherwise trip automatic in- 
vestigations by the insurance compani 
While medical insurance fraud doesn't 
bring in the same kind of money as oth- 
er dodges do and isn't as sexy as drug 
trafficking, it is a multimillion-dollar 
industry that doesn't draw much police 
attention. Most law enforcement main- 
tains a steadfastly local outlook. while 
global crime and terror mergers have 
burgeoned. 

The more complicated the joint ven- 
ture, the more difficult it is to identify 
and stop. Drug producers in Burma, 
Thailand and Laos, for example, rely 
on Asian organized crime groups—Thai, 
ethnic Chinese and Vietnamese—to han- 
dle their distribution in the U.S. Mean- 
while, coke from Colombia heads south 
to Brazil—where at least one group actu- 
ally bar-codes the packages to keep their 
accounting straight—and from there is 
moved to South Africa, where Nigerian 
and Italian gangsters ship it north into 
Europe. 

Nigerian criminal entrepreneurs use 
the hundreds of millions of dollars they 
earn with various global fraud schemes 
to buy heroin in Thailand. Then they 
ship the heroin into U.S, ports—Newark 
is a favorite—where they double their 
money by trading it to Dominican and 
Colombian street gangs for coke. Then 
they smuggle the coke into Britain, where 
they sell it to Jamaican gangs, nearly 
doubling their money a second time. 

Not to be outdone, heroin producers 
from Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran 
warehouse drugs in Canada with Paki- 
мапі traffickers before shipping them 
south across the border. Lebanese traf- 
fickers also have bases in Canada and of- 
ten use Hell's Angels gangs for transport 
into the States. 

The Hell's Angels also provide muscle 
for Asian gangs running prostitution 
rings and have been involved in a joint 
venture with Vietnamese gangs in Can- 
ada to grow and distribute hydroponic 
marijuana. Over the past 10 years, they 
have linked their chapters with a secure 
intranet. When the Los Angeles chapter 
does a deal with the Mexicans to deliver 
methamphetamine to a Chinese gang in 
Seattle, or when the Chicago chapter does 
a deal with the Dutch chapter to move 
ecstasy across the Atlantic in their own 
chartered vessels, every other chapter 
around the world is alerted, within a few 
hours of the deal, and told to stay away. 

Russian als have become partic- 
ularly proficient at computer and Inter- 
d at shaking down Western 
financial institutions through threats of 


computer sabotage. Former Soviet cryp- 
tography specialists, put on the unem 
ployment lines by the fall of Commu- 
nism, now work for the Colombians, 
tapping the DEA's phones. They also 
have been running computer virus cours- 
es in Bulgaria, teaching terrorist groups 
how to wage cyberwar. Meanwhile, many 
FBI agents assert that their office e-mail 
systems don't work. 

Other Russians have found their niche 
in the service industry. The Korgan- 
skaya organization took Albert Апаз, 
Murder Inc. as its role model, offering 
to do the “heavy lifting” for any person 
or terrorist group that wanted someone 
whacked. 


As the world is slowly and painfully 
learning, terrorists don't hide their mon- 
ey in caves. Just like organized criminals, 
terrorists put their money into the bank- 
stem so they can finance their 
ies around the world. Financial in- 
vestigators looking into the affairs of 
Osama bin Laden have directed some of 
their inquiries toward Albania 

By 1991 the war in Yugoslavia was se- 
riously interrupting the traditional Bal 
kan heroin routes, especially into Eu- 
rope from Afghanistan, where heroin 
has been a major export since the CIA 
began to support the anti-Soviet Muja- 
hideen in the early Eighties. In those 
days, Bin Laden was considered valu- 
able by the CIA. In the early Nineties, a 
new route developed, which takes her- 
oin through Kosovo and Albania. From 
there, Albanian gangs move drugs across 
1 to Italy, a process that cre- 
ated a new alliance between the Italian 
mafia and the Kosovo Liberation Army 
‘Together they smuggle people from the 
Balkans into Italy, move counterfeit pre- 
scription medicines from Italy to the 
Balkans and trade drugs for arms. They 
also deal with the Russians, who pay for 
heroin with rocket launchers and auto- 
matic weapons. 

Drugs alone bring the KLA more than 
$2 billion a year and have turned Alba- 
nia into the Colombia of Europe 

But drugs alone do not finance Bin 
Laden or whoever backed the World 
‘Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. Bin 
Laden is estimated to have a person- 
al fortune worth possibly $300 million. 
He is believed to own or otherwise con- 
trol businesses that include an impo 
export firm, a concrete factory, a plant 
that manufactures an important ingredi- 
ent for the production of fruit 
investment house that supposedly main- 
tains propert the West and, per- 
haps most significantly, an Islamic bank. 

‘Terrorist groups have taken their les- 
son from organized criminals—especial- 
ly the Russian mafia—who buy banks in- 
stead of robbing them 

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the world—in Lebanon (for secret bank- 
ing), Malaysia (home to organized Asian 
gangs), Uruguay (a money laundering 
paradise), the United Kingdom (off- 
shore banking) and Canada (easy border 
access to the U.S.). 

Again, enter here the KLA. Albanian 
refugees, like the Russian émigrés of the 
Seventies, have extended the reach of the 
KLAS criminal activities into Europe and 
North America, where they commit bur- 
glaries, armed robberies and theft. Some 
Of those same refugees also 
for Albanian and Kosovo charities. 

Bank accounts related to the KLA and 
certain so-called Kosovo 
charities have been located in Germa- 
ny, Sweden, Italy, Belgium, Canada and 
the U.S. 

Thus, if Bin Laden needs any money 
in the U.S.—and can't otherwise get it 
there—it would not be a problem for the 
KLA to become his banker. 

It could provide him with funds it al- 
ready has in the States. He could then 
repay the organization in Albania with 
Afghan heroin, or with money funneled 


through shell companies in Cyprus or 
cash via Dub: 

That's known as hawallah banking— 
moving people across borders and sup- 
plying them with money already sitting 
where it needs to be—and it has been a 
favorite technique throughout the Islam- 
ic world for centuries. 

No, terrorists don't hide their money 
in caves. 


Fifteen months before the attack on the 
World Trade Center, a report on Ameri- 
ca's ability to deal with international ter- 
rorism was submitted to Congress. 

In it, the intelligence community took 
some direct hits: “The CIA has created 
a climate that is overly risk averse,” the 
report said. “This has inhibited the re- 
cruitment of essential, if sometimes un- 
savory, terrorist informants and forced 
the U.S. to rely too heavily on foreign in- 
telligence services.” 
ism was also leveled at the FBI: 
“Law enforcement agencies are tradi- 
tionally reluctant to share information 


“What do you suggest for a credit card that has seen better days?” 


outside their circles so as not to jeopar- 
prosecution. The FBI 
does promptly share information we 
ing about specific terrorist threats with 
the CIA and other agencies. But the FBI 
is far less likely to disseminate terrorist 
information that may not relate to an im- 
mediate threat even though this could 
be of immense long-term or cu 
value to the intelligence community 
problem is particularly pronounced with 
respect to information collected in the 
FBI's field offices in the U.S., most of 
which never reaches the FBI headquar- 
ters, let alone other . government 
agencies or departments.” 

The report also contained a warning 
that reverberates today: “Neither Al 
Qaeda's extremist politico-religious be- 
liefs nor its leader, Osama bin Laden, is 
unique. If Al Qaeda and Bin Laden were 
to disappear tomorrow, the U.S. would 
still face potential terrorist threats from 
a growing number of groups opposed to 
perceived American hegemony. More- 
over, new terrorist threats can suddenly 
emerge from isolated conspiracies or ob- 
scure cults with no previous history of 
olence. Transnational terrorist networks 
are difficult to predict, track and pene- 
trate. They rely on a variety of sources 
for funding and logistical support, in- 
cluding self-financing criminal activities 
such as kidnapping, narcotics and petty 
crimes. Their networks of support in- 
clude both front organizations and legit- 
imate businesses. 

That is as prophetic as anything found 
in any religious text. 

So what will it take for the politicians 
who write the laws and fund the cops to 
understand that they are up against ter- 
rorists and drug traffickers who are, in 
a real sense, corporate entities? Just as 
those corporate entities form joint ven- 
tures and strategic alliances, opening 
overseas branches to expand established 
markets and gaining access where they 
once were forbidden, law enforcement 
must do the same. 

Transnational criminal organizations 
and terrorist groups understand cas! 
flow, reinvestment, franchising, time man- 
agement and risk, and they construct 
and maintain networks of front compa- 
nies and use the legitimate financial mar- 
kets for their own ends. What will it 
take for politicians to create laws to com- 
bat them? 

As long as we live in a world where a 
17th century philosophy of sovereignty 
is reinforced with an 18th century judi- 
cial model, defended by a 19th century 
concept of law enforcement that is still 
trying to come to terms with 20th centu- 
ry technology, the 21st century will be- 
long to criminals and terrorists. 

And, over time, it will be impossible to 
tell the two apart. 


STEVE COZ 


(continued from page 92) 
tight around the little girl's neck, it makes 
your stomach turn. But the Today show, 
NBC, MSNBC all ran them. It's pret- 
ty confusing when a bubbly Matt Lauer 
shows pictures of a dead six-year-old 
and gets away with it. We also decided 
not to publish any of the photos of Prin- 
cess Diana in the car crash. We were 
offered them within 24 hours, but we 
just weren't going to do that. 

PLAYBOY: And now, mainstream newspa- 
pers and networks sit on controversi 
stories, seeming above the fray, and then 
ride in on your coattails when you break 
a story. 

coz: True. I think they want the tabloid 
press to bubble up the scandals so they 
can redo them in a more intellectual 
fashion and jack up their ratings. The 
only debate is how long the mainstream 
media wait before they absorb a story. 
Remember that picture of Bill Clinton 
and Monica in a beret? It was the first 
picture ever of Monica and Bill in the 
same frame, and it speaks volumes about 
the intimacy between them. One major 
magazine called us to partner with them 
on buying it—$100,000, and we split 
the cost down the middle. Her 
went against the magazine's ethics to buy 
the picture from the source because it 
wasn't a professional photographer. But 
if we bought it they could license the 
rights from us. You see how tortured 
that is? 

PLAYBOY: Is it your contention that stars 
automatically forfeit their right to priva- 
cy when they become famous? 

coz: It depends on how much the stars 
use media to claim their success. Look at 
Meryl Streep. You know anything about 
her? She's a raw talent who didn't go the 
hype route. It's the ones who use the 
media that the media develop an ap- 
petite for. They thrust themselves into 
the soap opera of public life in order to 
sell movie tickets, and once they reach 
a level of income, fame, elitism, whatev- 
er, they say, “OK, Гуе used the public. 
I don't want to do it anymore." That's 
where the nastiness start: 

PLAYBOY: The Enquirer's image is on the 


ups rculation has fallen from 
5 million in the Eighties to about 2.1 mil- 
lion today. 


coz: In a way we've been victims of our 
own success. Ninety percent of tabloi 
are launched by the tabloid industry it- 
self—we cannibalize ourselves. That's 
not necessarily a bad thing. It’s been a 
huge growth industry, which has fanned 
out to include People magazine, Us Wech- 
ly, etc. It gets unhealthy when the m 
strcam press gocs tabloid to shore up 

ngs and circulation, but then, to dif- 
ate themselves, they knock the 
That was a particularly nas i 
od in the mid-Nineties. Another 
money. Tabloids sell on the stands, and 


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the mainstream sells with advertising. 
That's a huge difference in economy. 
Our ad revenue is between 10 and 15 
percent. On the other hand, that allows 
us to chase stories. Magazines that are 
more influenced by advertising have re- 
strictions. We do what we want 

pLavpoy: How do your ethics differ from 
those of other publications? 

coz: We don't do anything illegal. We de- 
mand that our reporters go right to the 
heart of the story, and if that means 
knocking on a celebrity's door knowing 
that when it opens the reporter is going 
to get punched in the face, then he has 
to do that. We're not shy about what 
we do. When we're on a story we're very 
aggressive 
pLavboy: There's a fine line between gut- 
sy and sleazy. I'm thinking of that in- 
stance when reporters dressed as priests 
to go to Bing Crosby's funeral to “com- 
fort the widow” and extract the story. 
coz: I don't know if they comforted the 
dow. Did they dress as priests to get in 
to sce what was going on? Yes. Enquirer 
reporters will do that 

PLAYBOY: Gutsy or sleazy? 

coz: I think that's putting the story 
above everything else. Everyone calls us 
sleazy when we do what it takes to not 
allow a celebrity to control the image— 
which is basically what journalists are 
supposed to do anyway. 

pıAYBOY: How about giving tiny Minox 
cameras to the mourners at Elvis’ funer- 
alto photograph the corpse? Classic pic- 
ture, but pretty invasive, no? 

coz: I don't have a problem with that 
The media is not a nice business. Our job 
is to intrude into people's privacy. | was 
watching the local NBC TV news and 
the reporter was criticizing a tabloid sto- 
ry. The next clip shown was of a horrible 
accident—a station wagon on fire, with 
twin two-year-olds trapped inside, burn- 
ing. And she didn’t have the sensitivity to 
see the hypocrisy in what she was doing 
pıAYBOY: What about the insanity of heli- 
copter coverage of weddings? 

coz: Did you know that celebrities actu- 
ally brag about their weddings by count 
ing how many helicopters there are? 
They do! Is it a 10- or 20-copter affair? 
It’s ludicrous. Let's say you hire one of 
those security firms for $250,000 to 
guarantee a private wedding, and your 
guests have to go through five security 
checkpoints, and waiters are security 
guards, and anything that even looks 
ike a camera is impounded. All that has- 
sle could be avoided if they'd simply 
hand out one or two pictures to AP End 
of story. 

PLAYBOY: Lets talk checkbook journal- 
ism. No major news organization would 
do it. You have refused to pay sources in 
Pakistan. It’s considered unethical, part 
of the prostitution of American journal- 
ism. And yet you do it here in America. 
coz: It's not prostitution, it’s evolution. 


Remember Tonya Harding? I know her 
manager. He goes to ABC and says, “For 
$100,000, you can have Tonya and her 
ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly.” The produc- 
er says, “No, I can't pay. But I'll tell you 
what I can do. ГЇЇ guarantee we'll put 
two of your other clients on Prime Time 
Live in the next few months.” That kind 
of national advertising would cost him 
$360,000—not including the limo, the 
hotel, Barbara Walters—so he's getting a 
good value. We're much more straight 
forward. We skip the dinners, the limo. 
We just sit there with a check. You 
give us truthful information and we pay. 
And in most cases the motivation is 
clear: greed 

PLAYBOY: If the information is false, does 
the check clear? 

coz: We do deals based on two things: 
exclusivity and whether or not we can 
support the core of the story through 
other sources. 

PLAYBOY: And you've been known to send 
a Lear jet with piles of cash to keep peo- 
ple quiet 

Coz: That was GP [Generoso Pope, the 
Enquirer's founder]. He sent 20 report- 
ers, a Lear jet and the bagman, a big 
Australian guy with a safe full of mon 
ey—I think it was $50,000—to a garden- 
er who lived in front of the place where 
Princess Grace drove her car off the cliff. 
Iurned out he had knelt beside her dur- 
ing her final minutes and heard her fi- 
nal words. We had a long lead time, so 
we moved in with him for two weeks to 
protect our exclusive. We didn’t let him 
answer the phone or talk to any other 
reporters. It's no different from when 
a network flies somebody to some oth- 
er location to keep him away from the 
press. 

PLAYBOY: What's the highest price you've 
paid for a story? 

coz: Four hundred thousand dollars, 
but we got a rebate. It was on Michael 
Jackson's baby. The broker on the deal 
was so brain-dead that he also sold the 
story to England and held a press con- 
ference. When you hold a press confer 
ence in this day and age, it's worldwide. 
So the pictures got here 24 hours before 
we hit the stand. Eventually, we settled 
for $250,000. Jackson took that money, 
by the way. He was strapped for cash 
PLAYBOY: How do you price a story? 

coz: Its flexible. If Michael Jackson wants 
to sit down with us and tell us everything 
that has happened in the past decade of 
his life, it’s priceless. If he wants to put 
his spin machine to work, it’s worthless 
PLAYBOY: Whats in your lying-publicist 
file? 

coz: We have four of them, each 10 inch- 
es thick. Take what happened with Demi 
Moore, when she was in the final stages of 
her marriage to Bruce Willis. We heard 
she was pregnant, so I called her publ 
cist, who started screaming, “It's abso- 
lutely not true, and if you publish that 


Look for them 
where you buy 
Basic 


PLAT 20 2 


story she’s going to deny it! This is a 
troubled patch in the marriage, don’t in- 
troduce a pregnancy into it.” I figure 
there’s no way she can be this vehement 
and not be telling the truth. 

Seven weeks later I'm talking with the 
same spin doctor for a story about Bruce 
being furious at a male friend for pa 
ing attention to Demi. And the publi 
starts screaming, "You can't do this to 
Demi, especially not now. She's in a very 
delicate state—she just had a miscar- 
riage!” You quickly learn which publi- 
cists lie and which don't. 

PLayBoy: How did you discover Jesse Jack- 
son's illegitimate child? 

coz: We had the story from sources close 
to the mistress, and we spent an addi- 
tional four weeks trying to get sources 
close to Jesse. They finally confirmed it 
for us. We went back to the mistress and 
told her we were going to press and that 
her denial would look foolish because 
people in Jesse's camp were confirming 
it. At that point she changed her denial 
toa “no comment.” She said the reason 
she was changing it was that she didn't 
want her daughter to grow up and see 
that denial. She's a mom taking care of 
her daughter. There was one reporter 
from Chicago who said he'd heard the 
same rumors but had run into a brick 
wall. The National Enquirer, he said, ran 
through the wall. 

PLAYBOY: When you started working at 
the Enquirer, a hot feature was a two- 
headed baby. Wasn't that a comedown 
for a Harvard grad? 

coz: When I started, my beat was human 
interest. I was doing great stories on fas- 
cinating things, like the time I inter- 
viewed a woman who was entering the 
Mrs. America pageant. She was a beauti- 
ful woman who'd had a preventive dou- 
ble mastectomy and breast reconstruc- 
tion because breast cancer ran in her 
family. So, I'm sitting on the couch with 
her and she’s talking about being an in- 
spiration to women, and she says to me, 
“Wanna see my breasts?” I was like, “Yes, 
of course.” She whips off her shirt and 
bra and puts her hands over her head, 
and her breasts are bouncing up and 
down—the implants are under the mus- 
cle tissue. While she’s doing that, her hus- 
band is about 15 feet away making us tu- 
na sandwiches for lunch. Where else are 
you going to get experiences like that? 
When Burt Reynolds left Loni 
n for a cheerleader, he went to 
the Enquirer because he said it was the 
one place that would quote him accu- 
rately. How the hell did that happen? 
relationship with us 


back in the Seventies 
er senior reporter] Alan Smith around a 
couch trying to beat him senseless be- 
cause Smithie had asked him a question 
about his hair. Burt was trying to kill him. 
He got so worked up over this, he started 


194 calling the editors and talking to them. 


They reached an understanding, and 
Burt became friends with us. When ce- 
s call us, we are very precise about 
what they're saying. There's a huge trust. 
Everyone pictures us as the bad boys in 
Hollywood, but celebrities know that 
when they talk to the Enquirer, we'll get it 
exactly as they told it. 

ылувоу: Who's the most fascinating ce- 
lebrity you have covered? 

coz: Hillary Clinton. That's a Greek trag- 
edy on a public stage. This is humanity 
played out from every angle: children, 
family, trust, fidelity, jealousy. Just when 
we think we've gota handle on whats 
going on, suddenly her naked ambition 
rears its head. The public is fascinated 
because these are all the emotions that a 
normal woman would have privately, but 
they're aired for everyone to see. 
PLAYBOY: Why hasn't she divorced Bill? 
coz: I think she loves him. I think she 
will divorce him if that love stands in the 
way of her ambition. But right now Hil- 
lary can't go through a public divorce. 
It's like Howard Stern. His radio show 
worked when he was married. Now that 
he's not, it struggles. 

PLAYBOY: Last year, when a gay porn star 
was reported to have had a relationship 
with Tom Cruise, Cruise sued the porn 
star for $100 million. Does that worry you? 
coz: Amazing, isn't it? I think that was a 
warning to the press not to impinge on 
"Tom's ability to earn money as a macho 
leading man. I also think it was a horri- 
ble PR move, as it allowed the words 
Tom Cruise and gay porn star to be used 
in the same headline over and over. 
rBov: Why did he 
coz: I think there's something else his 
PR people are afraid will come out. Fm 
not saying Tom is gay, but there might be 
someone else with a story they're trying 
to stop. 

PLAYBOY: Ever lie awake at night won- 
dering about the social significance of 
your job? 

coz: In journalism, you have to put out a 
product that people will read in order to 
keep the fires going until you hit some- 
thing of social relevance. It broadens 
when you tick through the list of celeb- 
s with political pals. John Travolta 
tried to influence social policy in Ger- 
many with the Scientologists. Woody 
Harrelson wants to legalize marijuana, 
George Clooney wants to change the 
First Amendment, Whoopi Goldberg 
rants about the Pope—these are all facts. 
You have a slew of celebs in the White 
House influencing a president, and they 
don't want the press to scrutinize them? 


at the Columbia Jour- 
nalism Review had this to say on the En- 
'As they're heading into 
the mud, there may be a poi the arc 
where they're doing the right thing, but 
that’s not where they're going. It's al- 
most accidental.” 


coz: The mud has cracked. I think the 
biggest problem with journalism today is 
that journalists are so full of themselves. 
What are we? We're public servants. We 
have to sell a product to the public, and 
you get these pinheads trying to hold 
up journalism as an institution. The peo- 
ple who scrutinize journalism are not 
connected to what's going on in socie- 
ty. They're living in some fairy-tale land 
where journalism and their code of eth- 
ics would be ош of business. 1 wonder 


PLAYBOY: In your new photo book, The 
National Enquirer: 30 Years of Unforgettable 
Images, it's surprising to see a 20-year- 
old shot of George Clooney posing with 
a pet pig, considering he recently started 
a crusade to boycott the tabloids. 

coz: A few years ago, right around the 
time of Princess Di's crash, Clooney was 
calling for my head and getting a peti 
tion started to boycott the tabs, which 
unbelievable, because when Clooney was 
starting out—and this is a little-known 
fact—he was in Return of the Killer Toma- 
toes! He had a potbellied pig and did nu- 
merous photo stunts to get his name in 
the paper. He took the pig out dancing, 
kissed the pig, took it for a drive in 
car—and he came to us. There are thou- 
sands of B-minus-level actors out there 
and whoever does something interesting 
is going to make it in. 

rLAYBOY: How do you avoid becoming 
cynical about people in power and in the 
public eye? 

coz: You can't become cynical. People in 
power are human beings and they have 
great qualities and flaws. Through read- 
ing the Enquirer, you get to know these 
powerful people in a way you wouldn't 
know them othervise, and as you do, 
you start to root for them. You don't be- 
come cynical, you become more interest- 
ed in the fabric of their lives. 1 mean, 
O.J.—he's a Shakespearean character. 
And that story isn’t finished yet. His kids 
will turn 18 soon, and they're going to 
have things to say. 

PLAYBOY: Do you worry that this coun- 
try's fixation on celebrities is on the 
wane? After all, the world has inexorably 
changed. 
coz: | just got a first copy of our new 
photo book, and looking at all those old 
celeb photos made me nostalgic for a 
time when Michael Jackson dating Mari- 
ah Carey was a significant event. Where 
is the American psyche headed? Are 
people going to want to read about the 
aliban for the next six months? I find 
that hard to believe. 

rLAYBOY: Between the anthrax and the 
war, you must realize how easy you had 
it with Monica. 

coz: I'm longing for the days of the 
Greek tragedies’ being acted out without 
the tragic endings. 


Christmas wouldn't be complete 
without a video of Centerfolds act- 
ing naughty. In Playmates Unwrapped, 
a dozen don red furry hats and an- 
gel wings, frolic in the snow and, 
more important, do things around 
the Christmas tree 


that would make Santa 
blush, We won't spoil the surprise, 
but with segment titles such as Car- 
oler, Angels, The Night Before Christmas, 
Christmas Morning and ГЇ Be Home for 


Missy Cleveland 1959-2001 


On August 14, 2001 the world 
lost Miss April 1979 Missy Cleve- 
land to unspecified medical caus- 
es. Missy showed up at a hotel 

in San Diego during our 25th 

Anniversary-inspired 
Great Playmate Hunt, just 
as news crews arrived to 
film the event. As we 
said in her Centerfold 
story, “She was struck 
speechless, but then, so 
were we.” Missy, who 
hailed from Mississippi, 
stayed in California until 
1983, acting in such mov- 
ies as Blow Out with John 

Travolta. Then she moved to 
Florida and Montreal, where she 
ran a club fora friend who was a 
French singer. On her Playmate 
Data Sheet, Missy wrote that her 
goals were to “travel to all cor- 
ners of the world and live life to 
the fullest.” We think she did. 


PLAYMATE: NEWS 


Christmas, you can imagine that the 
Playmates’ interpretations ofthe holi- 
days are sexier than what you'd expe- 
rience at Grandma's housc. “I work 
for PLAYBOY as much as I can,” says 

Jennifer Walcou, who appears 


All we want for Christmos is 
Playmates Unwrapped. Clock- 
wise fram left: Jami Ferrell, Jen- 
nifer Walcott and Kimberly Spi- 
cer sex up some Santa hats 
Bully Tyler braves the cold. 
Stephanie Heinrich, Kimber 
ley Stanfield, Dalene Kurtis 
and Lindsey Vuolo get un 
wrapped. Who needs a Nativity 
scene when you hove Dalene? 


on the cover wrapped in a big red 
bow. Jennifer joins Lindsey Vuolo 
and Nichole Van Croft in The Night 
Before Christmas and Lindsey and Jami 
Ferrell in White Christmas. “1 was kind 
of nervous to work with a Playmate 


С 
D 


Vw PRODUCTS! 


Marilyn Cole joined our hutch 
as a Bunny and public rela- 
tions specialist 
at the London 
Playboy Club. 
After posing as 
Miss January 
1972, Marilyn 
won Playmate 
of the Year hon- 
ors and dated 
such hotshots 
as Hef, musi- 
cian Bryan Fer- 
ry and a Brit- 
ish baron be- 
fore settling 
down with Vic- 
tor Lownes, a 
Playboy execu- 
live, in 1984. 
Marilyn would 
like you to know 
that the only 
false part ofher Merilyn Cole 
Centerfold (shown here) is her 
eyelashes. 


I didn't know, but working with Ni- 
chole was wonderful,” she says. “And 
Kimberly Spicer, too.” So what's on 
Jennifer's Christmas list? “Peace on 
earth. A cure for AIDS. The end of 
poverty.” Got that, Santa? 


Victoria Silvstedt is my favor- 
ite. She has one of those great 
vibrant personalities, 
and it shines through 
in her pictures. We 


did a commercial to- 
gether. There was a 
lot of bouncing go- 
ing on. That's the | 
other thing about | 
Victoria: She has 
quite a rack. 


Look for 
Vicky in 
the flick 
Boat 
Trip. 


As the Growing Pains episode of E 
True Hollywood Story reminds us, it's 
been more than 10 years since we sat 
in front of the tele- 
vision drooling over 
Julie McCullough as 
Julie Costello, Kirk 
Cameron's on-screen. 

squeeze. Much to our 
dismay, she was tak- 
en off the show soon 
£ after her arrival. We 
phoned her for the dish. 
Q: Why did Growing Pains hire you, 


ROCK STAR RED CARPET 


“Rock is sex,” soid Gene Simmons 
ct the premiere of Rock Star. "The 
only way to achieve godhead and 
godhood is to become a rock star. 
Then, even an ugly guy like me can 
et di 


knowing you were a Playmate, and 
then fire you a year later? 

A: Some of the production people 
had certain religious beliefs, and they 
decided they didn't want me there. 
Q: Seen any good TV lately? 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 
January 11: Miss May 1968 
Elizabeth Jordan 


January 17: Miss February 1962 
Kari Knudsen 

January 22: Miss April 1991 
Christina Leardini 

January 25: Miss May 1980 
Martha Thomsen 


A: No. I'm writing my 
own television show 
because I don't really 
care for too + 
many of y ee 
the cur- 25 
rent ones. 

I'm not supposed to 
talk about it, other 
than to say that we have 
producers on board, 
and we're hoping to 
sell it to a network. It's going well. 
Q: What's your most memorable Man- 
sion visit? 

A: I gave a tour to a guy who had 
written to Hef during the Gulf war, 
saying he hoped to visit the Mansion. 
Hef wrote back, "When you make it 
home, visit us.” So he did. I showed 
him around in my blue Bunny suit. 


“We'll do practically anything to put off straightening up, won't we?" 


4 М t's a controversial, shocking and 
titillating look at four adult-film 

stars as they reveal their nastiest 

- ~ secrets and demonstrate their 

naughtiest skills. They made the 

trip to Hollywood in search of 

stardom in adult film - and found 

it. These are their real stories of 

(С . > UA glamour, struggle and the sex that 


sells. A revealing insider's look — 


Ly Bed) 2 4 ON Playboy TV style. 


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WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


THE PARTY’S ONLINE 


oast 2002—and your new high-speed Net connection—by 
webcasting your New Year's Eve party. All you need is a 
computer, a webcam and enough liquor to keep the action 
interesting. Panasonic's KX-HCM10 network webcam can 
broadcast high-quality live video from any place with an Ethernet 
connection or router and power source, allowing you to position it 
next to the hot tub or wherever the party is happening. Set it to up- 
load images to a website or e-mail them at designated intervals to 


Right: ReQuest Multimedia's AudioReQuest Pro 
($2500 to $3500, depending on memory size) 
can be connected to 40 of the company’s new 
ARQ Zone devices. It's designed to play different 
songs at the same time throughout your place 
(52000 to $2500, depending on memory size). 


Above: Snap photos of par- 
tygoers with Sony's Cyber- 
shot DSC-F707, a five- 
megapixel digital camera 
($1000). Then display the 
shots on your TV with the 
Microsoft TV Photo Viewer 
($160). Right: Set up a PC 
so yuur guests can watch 
the webcast. We used one 
from VooDoo, an online 
cumpany that offers cus- 
tom models in clear cases 
($1500 to $6000, depend- 
ing on specifications). We 
paired it with ViewSonic’s 
VE170m, a 17-inch LCD 
monitor with built-in 
speakers ($800). Panason- 
ic's KX-HCM10 webcam 
system shows pictures from 
four cameras ($500). 


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your friends. While you concentrate on keeping the champagne 
flowing, ReQuest Multimedia’s AudioReQuest Pro digital music 
system will act as your DJ. It stores up to 450 hours of MP3s. When 
paired with the company's new ARQ Zone, it can distribute differ- 
ent tunes to specific rooms. Microsoft's TV Photo Viewer connects 
to a TV via an RCA input and can be set to scroll through 40 pho- 
tos saved on a standard floppy disk, Just remember to be careful 
popping corks around this cool equipment JASON BUHRMESTER 


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Ша ореуіпе 


That Smile, 
Those Lips 
Mick Jagger's 
daughter JADE de- 
signs jewelry, but 
here she wears / 
none. Instead, she 
lets her T-shirt do 
the talking. 


She Hopes 
You Dance 


With a double-plat- 


inum CD, a stew of 
Rear View 77A country music awards 


and a new tour, LEE 
Before she put on the gloves, NOELLE LE BLANC modeled for ANN WOMACK has i 
posters and magazines and at auto shows. She also ap- 1 АРАА 
peared іп the Bare Naked All-Natural Beauties video. А 


{= 
(2 


Hold the Kilts > 
„ Scotsmen TRAVIS broke through the din last sum- 
Д 1 mier onsa U.S. four with, Dido, and a critically асг 
р 4 


Ё © claimed CD, The Invisible Band. A pause on tour 
leaves them crawling the walls. 


^ UN Jw PN 


Breezy 
Rider 
Bike babe 
ANNIKA BANKO 
had a moment 
of infamy in 
Pearl Harbor 
and walked a 


runway on ca- 
ble's Style. Now 
she brakes in 


Grapevine. 


Here Comes the Sun 


BRIGITTE BAKO considers her ca- 
reer moves. You saw her in Red 

Shoe Diaries and the features Die! 

Die! Die! and Wrong Number. 

Now you're seeing her in a Es 
whole new light. 


Sandy 
Eye Candy 
Indonesian-born 

IVANI SURJADJAJA 
made an impres- 
sion on Baywatch, 

Hawaii, in an M2M 

Pokémon music 
video and on this 
stretch of beach. 


Motpourri 


EXTRA DRY WIT 


Noel Coward loved martinis. Maybe that's why 
so many characters in his plays drink them 
Now newyorkfirst.com, a website that cele 
brates the good life, offers a six-ounce ma i 
glass that's so elegant you'll put on a smoking 
Jacket when the cocktail hour rolls around. 
Price: $24 a pair. The company has also cor- 
nered the market on first editions of Coward's 
1937 autobiography Present Indicative, a book 
that is sull entertaining after all these years. 
Price: $37. Drink up and read up. 


THE BRIDGE IS UP 


"It's like having a physical therapist in your own home" is how 
Quantum Products describes its Body Bridge. Though it looks 
like something that might have belonged to the Marquis de Sade, 
the BodyBridge is anything but nasty. Besides helping alleviate 
back pain, it's a great stress reducer and a pleasant way to un- 
wind after jogging, aerobics or tennis. It folds for storage. Price: 
$400. Call Quantum at 800-307-7909 for more information. 


e 


MMM, MONOPOLY SIMPSONS STYLE 


The monorail has come to Springfield, Homer 
and Bart's hometown. Cletus’ shack goes for 
$60, Moe's bar costs $160 and Burns Manor— 
don't have a cow, man—is $400. In Monopoly 
The Simpsons edition, you also get pewter to- 
kens of Bart, Homer, Kang, Jebediah Sprii 
field and others, and the money features char- 
acters from the show. USAopoly 
(in conjunction with Hasbro) is 
the manufacturer. The price: 
$34.95, in gift shops. 


tail—along with z 
Dean Martin, Fi 
$21.95, in pap 


FIND YOUR PAPERBACKS 


Gota box of old paperbacks? Check them 
out, Some, such as Reform School Girl (pic- 
tured here), are worth good bucks, de- 
pending on their condition. To see more 
than 600 covers in color, pick up Richard 
Lupolf’s Great American Paperback, pub- 
lished by Collectors Press. Price: $60. Call 
800-423-1848. 


А SHAMEFUL PATH LED 


ARLET 
R IHERE-SC 
EIS REPT HER THERE 


pero 


COMPLETE AND UNADA! 


HAVE A BEER WITH CURLY 


Pop the cap on your favorite 
brew with the Three Stooges 
Talking Beer Can Opener and 
hear Curly order a cold one fol- 
lowed by “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk” 
and "Woo-woo-woo." Does life 
get any better than this? There's 
also a talking opener for Miller 
Lite (“Oh ho, it's Miller Time! 
Oh yeah!”), Corona Extra 
("Cerveza, senor? Heh, heh, 
Corona!”) and a generic one 
("Oh yeah! Time for a beer!”). 
"The openers are $7.95 each, 
from Pacific Direct at 800-535- 
0131. Order three or more and 
the shipping is free. 


HEDO FOR YOUR LIBIDO 


A cheeky revised edition of The Naked Truth About Hedonism I1 
has just been published and, as author Chris Santilli reports, 
Jamaica's adult resort is “bigger, badder and better.” No won- 
der 90 percent of its guests return. The second edition has more 
naughty pictures (some of Santilli), more wild stories and more 
bawdy advice. (Be clever when sneaking pecks of gravity-resistant 
women.) Price: $22.95, from 888-883-9040 or wordcrafting.com. 


LIGHTERS FOR ALL SEASONS 


You can't own too many Zippo 
lighters. At least that's what 
artist and lighter collector 
Kyle Cunningham of Know 
Talent Studio thinks. So he's 
created the Girl for Every 


with epoxy paint on highly 
polished chrome lighters. 
(Cunningham's martini and 
absinthe Zippo sets were pre- 
viously featured in Potpourri.) 
Each chrome lighter costs 
$38.95 (or $133.95 for 

the set), sent to Know Talent 
Studio, 1291 East MacArthur, 
Sonoma, California 95476 or call E - 
the company at 707-938-0783. < 203 


BNext Month 


L 
TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT. 


DEDEE 


DEDEE PFEIFFER—MICHELLE S YOUNGER SISTER, WHO 
YOU'VE SEEN ON CYBILL AND IN FALLING DOWN AND MEAT 
LOAF: TO HELL AND BACK, IS A GORGEOUS TALENT IN HER 
OWN RIGHT. NOW SHE ONE-UPS HER SISTER AND TAKES 
OFF HER CLOTHES FOR A FABULOUS PICTORIAL. ALL HAIL 
DESIGNER GENES 


GARY HART—AS CO-CHAIR OF THE COMMISSION ON NA- 
TIONAL SECURITY, HART PREDICTED ATTACKS ON AMERICA. 
HERE THE FORMER SENATOR SHARES HIS STRONG VIEWS ON 
BIOLOGICAL WARFARE, TELLS WHY FOCUSING ON BIN LADEN 
IS A BIG MISTAKE AND URGES US TO THINK LIKE OUR ENE- 
MIES TO AVERT LOSING THOUSANDS MORE LIVES. A VITAL 
PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY CRAIG VETTER 


STEALTH FORCE AMONG THE SPECIAL OPS ELITE WHO 
ARE CERTAIN TO BE IN AFGHANISTAN ARE THE NAVY SEALS. 
HERE'S AN INSIDE LOOK AT THEIR TRAINING, CLIMAXED BY 
HELL WEEK, A PUNISHING FIVE-DAY ORDEAL IN ICY, DARK WA- 
TER. BY FROGMAN MICK HAVEN 


VIRTUAL REICH TODAY'S GENERATION OF NEO-NAZIS EM- 
BRACES RACISM AND TERRORISM AND MAY BE DIRECTLY 
LINKED TO FASCIST FUNDAMENTALISTS—AND THEY'RE NOT 
EVEN HIDING UNDER WHITE SHEETS. BY MIKE REYNOLDS 


HUGH JACKMAN—WE HATE TO TELL YOU, BUT THE AUSSIE 
ACTOR WHO MAKES YOUR GIRL SALIVATE IS A COOL DUDE 
THE X-MEN AND KATE AND LEOPOLD STAR SEDUCED MEG 


CYBERGRLS 


RYAN, SMOOCHED ASHLEY JUDD AND KICKED ASS AS WOL: 
VERINE. 200 BY WARREN KALBACKER 


TALK LIKE А PRINCE—AS VALENTINE'S DAY NEARS, TAKE IT 
FROM THE PURPLE-CLAD POP STAR WHO'S DATED MADONNA, 
KIM BASINGER AND CARMEN ELECTRA: LOVE BEGINS WITH “I 
GOT A LION IN MY POCKET, AND BABY HE'S READY TO ROAR.” 
WE PROMISE, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WEAR HEELS. BY 
ROB TANNENBAUM 


LAST WORDS FROM THE BLACK LAGOON—ALONE, HE'S 
BEEN DRIFTING UNDERWATER FOR 260 MILLION YEARS 
WHEN A PRETTY ANTHROPOLOGIST ARRIVES BY BOAT, HE 
ELECTS TO SURFACE. FICTION BY JIM SHEPARD 


BAR GIRLS—YOU'RE FACING A SEA OF HALTER TOPS, STILET- 
TO BOOTS AND RED LIPSTICK. BUT HOW DO YOU TELL THE 
RELATIONSHIP GIRL FROM THE DANCING QUEEN OR THE 
SLUT? WE REVEAL THEIR SECRETS 


SUPERCROSS RACING—TUNE UP YOUR BIKES, KIDS. JERE- 
MY MCGRATH, THE SPORT'S WORLD-RECORD HOLDER, HAS 
YOUR TICKET TO RIDE. TRICK TIPS, GEAR AND HOW TO KEEP 
YOUR NECK INTACT. BY JASON BUHRMESTER 


PLUS: NUDE AND NAUGHTY CYBERGIRLS, VETS TALK ABOUT 
SEX IN NAM, ACCESSORIES THAT WON'T BREAK THE BANK. 
SECRETS OF A GREAT KISS AND CENTERFOLD NERIAH 
DAVIS STEAMS UP THE BEDROOM