Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats

ENTERTAINMENT FOR

W Michael
Interview Imperioli

ПВО, »

> AR Mm

4 FREE Pack Coupons!
The choice is yours.
Now you can really pack in the pleasure!

75 UPCs

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette

Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.

9/30/02

To get these items order now,
or call toll free for new catalog.

Here’s how to order now!

STEP 1 Buy specially marked Newport with the word "GOODS".
Certon UPCs will not be accepted.

STEP 2 Complete the order form with your name and address. Include your exact
Street address since orders cannot be delivered to P.O. boxes,

on the pack UPC

STEP 3 Sign the attached order form ensuring that you are a smoker 21 years of
age or older and be sure to attach a legible copy of your Govemment-Issued
LD, as proof of age.

Orders missing any of the above will be retumed.

STEP 4 indicate the quantity of each Pleasure Item(s) you are requesting and the
number of UPCs included. Maximum of five items per person for the duration
of the program.

Mi Last Name

1 ПИЕ

Street Number Street Name

STEP 5 Shipping and Handling are required for all items EXCEPT the 4 Free Pack
Coupons and Colbri* Lighter. Calculate shipping and handling charges based оп
UPCs submitted on the order form section. DO NOT SEND CASH. Make sure you
enclose a check or money order for the correct amount with your order.

STEP 6 Mall your completed order form, "GOODS" UPCs, photocopy of your
Governmentissued I.D., and check or money order payable to NEWPORT PLEASURE
GOODS to:

Newport Pleasure Goods, Р.О. Вох 390514, El Paso, TX 88539-0514
Questions on your order? Call 1-800-333-8930

‘Your privacy: Lorillard Tobacco Company maintains strict consumer information
privacy policies reflecting our commitment to respect and protect the privacy of our
consumers, For a copy of our privacy policy, please call 1-877-744-1234.

0 jpeg

AQUA

Pe 008

су State ZipCode

no on LEE [ата]

aire пое isora cece | T

Usual Brand of cigarettes? A. O Merinat
2. When you are not smoking your Usual Brand, what is your Second CI
Second Choice Brand write NONE in th

B. O Norrmenthot

150 UPCS.
51400 UPCs...
250 UPCS.
251400 UPCs.
401+ UPCS

$7.00
$10.00

ether

Celebrate The 30" Anniversary Of

The Godfather
With This Ultimate DVD Collection!

Y
D u u 4 D | LY
INCLUDES OVER 5 HOURS OF BONUS MATERIALS
*A DR ON THE MAKING * STORYBOARDS * THE CORLEONE FAMILY TREE

OF THE * CINEMATOGRAPHY OF * THE GODFATHER HISTORICAL TIME LINE
* ADDITIONAL SCENES THE GODFATHER * CHARACTER AND CAST BIOGRAPHIES
* FILMING LOCATIONS FEATURETTE + THE MUSIC OF THE GODFATHER AND MUCH MORE!

nl D & i

Hiaybill

Walter Mosley has created some of the toughest characters in
modern fiction. His heroes are killers who care. The main
character of his first PLAYBOY short story, Pinky, has the same
desire to do right, but the events of September 11 prove over-
powering. Kent Williams provided the art.

September 11 touched many lives, as Kevin Cook discovered
while profiling Michael Imperioli. The actor who plays Tony's
impetuous kinsman on The Sopranos was standing six blocks
away when the second plane hit the towers. After making sure
his kids were safe, he spent time working with a medical unit.
In Loose Cannon, Cook captures the unexpected side of Impe-
rioli: He is articulate, perceptive—and prone to accidents. MOSLEY WILLIAMS

Cook pulled a double shift for rhis issue. turning in a blunt
interview with Lennox Lewis, the heavyweight champion of the
universe. (The champ's much-anticipated April 6 bout with
Mike Tyson was thrown into question after a melee at a Janu-
ary press conference.) Lewis holds forth on sex before fights,
rage, trash talk, girlfriends, rumors that he's gay, corrupt pro-
moters, David Tua’s hairstyle and buddies Woody Harrelson
and Will Smith—but mostly about the nerve and dedication
it takes to step into the ring. Of Tyson, Lewis declares "he
sounds a bit unhinged.” The bout will come with a $15 million
paycheck; the combatants described in Michael Kaplan's fasci-
nating look at Boxing Behind Bars can only dream of that re-
ward. Clifford Etienne learned to fight in prison-sanctioned
three-round events; after a 10-year sentence he turned pro
and has racked up a 22-1 record.

Speaking of tough, check out the 20Q with Sarah Silverman,
the comic with the fastest—and dirtiest—mouth in the West.
Among the issues she tackles with Warren Kalbacker: Is the
phrase fucking cunt impolite? Robert DeSalvo visits an even
scarier woman, The Queen of the Damned. The title applies to
the movie, but works just as well for Anne Rice, author of nine
epics set among the bloodthirsty.

OK, stop wondering if you're man enough. Will Lee offers a
sex quiz that really tests your mettle. Corey Levitan, author of
Get Bold, may have the basis for a new reality-based television
series. Start with an impossible situation—you spot the girl of
your dreams while on a date with someone else at a joint
staffed by rude transvestites. Istvan Banyai supplies the art.
Since the quest for the dream girl will likely bring you into
contact with alcohol, we provide a useful guide to the ultimate
bar wear—Take Your Best Shots, with photography by Devis Fac-
tor. Playmates tell you how, where and with whom

As for the current music scene, see Playboy's Music Poll, de-
signed by Art Director Scott Anderson and coordinated by Bar-
bara Nellis. Ryan Adams, who did our Music Buzz, was chatted
up by Associate Editor Alison Lundgren. Anaheed Alani checked
in with Concetta Kirschner, the hip-hop diva who performs
under the name Princess Superstar. Princess’ hit Bad Babysitter
has the memorable line: “Kid, you gotta go to bed. I know its
only six, but my boyfriend just came over, and he wants me
to give him head.” Her advice to Mariah Carey: Stop dress-
ing like a teenager. That's exactly what former teen pop star
Tiffany did when she posed for a млувоу pictorial with pho-
tographer Arny Freytag. She has a new album—and a new look.

We've done our best to revive the spirit of America. In these
paranoid times, if you're thinking bunker, let's make it a
cool one. Check out Playboys Bachelor Bunker. Associate Man-
aging Editor John Rezek ran the project. Artist Daniel Torres
did the architectural renderings.

DESALVO

LUNDGREN

Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), April 2002, volume 49, number 4. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices, Canada Post Cana-
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboycom. 3

Д м: = UNDER ARMOUR’

a PERFORMANCE APPAREL

qailigear-

LighterFasterLongerBetter.

Because there's no bulky fabric holding you back, no sweat-soaked T-shirt weighing you down, no weather condition wearing yOu out.
Because there's no reason for you not to be better. Under Armour® Performance Apparel. The advantage is undeniable.

official supplier 2902 UNDER ARMOUR Ppliormance Apparel

vol. 49, no. 4— april 2002

features
80 GET BOLD
Pulling chicks who are way too good for you is easy. All you need are a couple of
drinks and balls the size of Texas. BY COREY LEVITAN
90 ARE YOU A SEX GOD?
OK, stud —that's right, you, the guy every lover moons and croons over. Ever think
she might have been faking it? We've got the acid test. BY WILL LEE
94 LOOSE CANNON
Michael Imperioli plays Tony's spring-wired kinsman on the HBO hil The Sopra-
nos. Christopher likes to whack people and have sex. BY KEVIN COOK
96 BOXING BEHIND BARS
Clifford Etienne beat the stuffing out of opponents and went pro after his release.
Now every Louisiana convict figures that's the ticket oul. BY MICHAEL KAPLAN
117 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: RHONDA ADAMS
Our lady likes sensual men, public affection and phone sex. We like you, Rhonda.
119 MUSIC POLL RESULTS
U2 is the first band ever inducted to our Hall of Fame. Other winners? Sum 41,
Almost Famous, Nelly and Alicia Keys.
120 RYAN ADAMS’ MUSIC BUZZ
Ryan Adams hit with his New York, New York single. Now he picks up-and-coming
bands and offers an ode to the While Stripes, saviors of garage rock.
124 PRINCESS SUPERSTAR
This sexy MC calls her genre-spanning music flip-flop. She's a dirty beatnut
who raps about Britney and fellatio. BY ANAHEED ALANI
126 TAKE YOUR BEST SHOTS
Thirsty Playmates talk about drinking body shots—awhere, what and with whom.
128 20Q SARAH SILVERMAN
Famously foul-mouthed comedian Sarah Silverman has turned up on SNL
and in mumerous edgy movies. She talks about why she says vagina a lot.
BY WARREN KALBACKER
142 THE VAMPIRES BITE BACK
Lestat rocks in the new movie of the great Anne Rice bloodbuster.
BY ROBERT DESALVO
fiction
70 PINKY
On September 11, a man in the World Trade Center leaves a message on Abel's
voice mail, not realizing he's dialed the wrong number. The mysterious farewell
changes Abel's life forever. BY WALTER MOSLEY
interview
63 LENNOX LEWIS

He's the reigning heavyweight champ, an English gentleman with a killer punch.
In a brutally honest interview, he talks about fighting Mike Tyson, getting knocked
out, the sport's corruption and why he abstains from prefight sex. BY KEVIN COOK

cover story
Teenager Tiffany became an overnight sensa-
tion with her number one hits I Think We're
Alone Naw and Cauld’ve Been. Millions of
records and a few contemplative years later,
she's set to became а lole-night sensatian,
back with a bluesy rock album. Our Rabbit
perks up his eors when Tiffany sings.

vol. 49, no. 4—april 2002

contents continue

pictorials
74 SPRING BREAK 47 MANTRACK
We went to the wildest place in 51 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR

Texas—and found the wildest girls.
110 PARTY JOKES
os PLAYMATE:

HEATHER CAROLIN 160 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY
This redhead wants a hot rod and 167 ON THE SCENE

а stint in race-car school. 168 GRAPEVINE
132 TIFFANY 170 POTPOURRI

The darling of the mall is

back—all grown up and with

anew album. lifestyle

84 FASHION: DRESSED TO KILL
It’s not the gadgets that define

double-O style—i's the classic
13 WORLD OF PLAYBOY clothes. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS

Arthur C. Clarke party, Playmates
at Bloomie’s, Blue Man Group.

notes and news

92 ZZZOWIE
Nissan's Z car is back, faster (280

14 HANGIN’ WITH HEF horses) and less expensive.
Partying with Janet Jackson, Chris 5.
(dedi lee 113 PLAYBOY'S BACHELOR
BUNKER
53 THE PLAYBOY FORUM Anxiety about terrorism got you
Girl Scouts and lesbians, Ashcroft's down? We have all the amenities
assault on the Bill of Rights. for the fugitive swinger.

163 PLAYMATE NEWS
Centerfolds and guitar slingers,

Michelle Phillips’ favorite. reviews
30 MUSIC
Norah Jones, Drive-By Truckers,
departments Dungeon Family project.
3 PLAYBILL zoo er
17 DEAR PLAYBOY Ten best and worst, war and sex
21 AFTERHOURS standouts.
32 WIRED 36 VIDEO
ү TEENE Cop buddies, Larry Sanders and a
DVD bonanza.
41 PLAYBOY TV
40 BOOKS

CP АЗ Jimmy Breslin, aphrodisiacs, new
44 МЕМ work by PLAYBOY writers,

PRINTED IN U.S.A.

YOUR NIGHT JUST GOT MORE INTERESTING”

c» D Кый © BD WEN

NEW BACARDI SILVER. WITH THE NATURAL FLAVORS OF BACARDI RUM AND CITRUS.

oon THE TOP

BigRed

тиши

лу/му [n

HUGH M. HEFNER
editor-in-chief

ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director

JONATHAN BLACK managing editor
TOM STAEBLER art director
GARY COLE photography director
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor

EDITORIAL
FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN Senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI edilorial
assistant; MODERN LIVING: Da
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor: ALISON LUNDGREN, BARBARA

D STEVENS editor; JASON BUttRMESTER assistant editor; DAN HENLEY

NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT в. DESALVO assistant editor

; TIMOTHY мони junior editor; LINDA
FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER HAEDE, CAROL KUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, OLGA STAVROPOULOS.
CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant;

NICOLE TUREC editorial assistant
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associale editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; KEMA
SMITH Senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN

research librarian; TIM GALVIN, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant;
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa BABER, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION). JOE DOLCE. GRETCHE
EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROREL. KEN GROSS. WARREN KALBACKER, D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN

DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF

ART
KERIG POPE managing art director; SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior
art directors; ROB WILSON assislant art director; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art
assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art services coordinator, LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator

PHOTOGRAPHY
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE NORRIS
senior edilors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG,
RICHARD IZUI, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing
photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer; BILL WHITE studio manager —
los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, pholo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN,
PENNY EKKERT, GIS

ELA ROSE production coordinators

JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher

PRODUCTION

MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO. CINDY PONTARFI

RICHARD
QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TERIELA Dyfeseffers; BILL BENWAY
SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK assistant

CIRCULATION
LARRY A. DJERF neusstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director

ADVERTISING

JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; PHYLLIS KESSLER new york advertising manager; Joe

HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN ntANCULLA direct response manager; LISA NATALE marketing
director; SUE IGOE event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; CAROL

STUCKHARDT research director; DONNA TAVOSO Creative services director; NEW YORK: ELISABETH
AULEPE LORE BLINDER, SUE JAFFE, JOHN LUMPKIN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL;
CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER; ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ SARAH HUEY, GRES
advertising business manager; КАКА sarisky advertising coordinator

MADDOCK; MARIE FIRNENO

READER SERVICE
MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents

ADMINISTRATIVE
MARCIA TERRONES rights @ permissions director

PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC,
снызпе HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer

MICHAEL т. CARR president, publishing division

You could win the ultimate club hop
Or one of many other great prizes
Look under the top of Big Red gum

NANA

Enter code аб www.clubbigred.com

mL mL a

BIg Red sms

eae COM >

18. MIAMI = NYC

ACLU

OMNI Kings: 15 mg. “tar,” 1.0 mg. nicotine,

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking | 2: Pe" cigarette by FTC Method

Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

You see a
We call

WARNING: Smoking is addictive and dangerous to your health. Reductions in
carcinogens (PAHs, nitrosamines, catechols, and organics) have NOT been proven

toresultin a safer cigarette. This product produces tar, carbon monoxide, É К h ;
other harmful by-products, and increased levels of nitric oxide. Reductions in carcinogens are in comparison to
similar competitive brand styles.

For more information and supporting data call toll-free.
1-866-639-OMNI, or visit Us at www,omnicigs.com

The only cigarette to significantly
reduce carcinogens that are among
the major causes of lung cancer.

The only one to still deliver
premium taste.

The only one to finally give smokers
a real reason to switch.

Only Omni.”

reakthrough.

VERY MAN
WAS À CASUALT}

PLAYBOY

HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES

THE MANSION SPACE ODYSSEY
Arthur C. Clarke was honored by the Space Frontier Foundation at the Playboy
Mansion, appearing holographically at the gala from Sri Lanka. Partygoers in-
cluded astronauts James Lovell and Buzz Aldrin (below) as well as Pentagon
hero Lieutenant Commander David Tarantino and Playmate Shanna Moakler
(right). Morgan Freeman, Bill Paxton, first space tourist Dennis Tito and Het—
who hosted the event—rapped with HAL the computer and got up close to the
monolith in a tribute to Clarke's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

CHRISTIE HONORED AND
HEF PAINTS THE TOWN
Playboy Chief Executive Officer
Christie Hefner received the
Spirit of Hope Award at a bene-
fit for the John Wayne Cancer
Institute in Santa Monica, hon-
oring her work with Bosom
Buddies and the Playboy Foun-
dation, which produced the
video Partners in Hope. Dr. Ar-
mando Giuliano presented her
with the award. And Hef partied
for two nights in Vegas with his
platinum gal pals—taking in
the Blue Man Group at Luxor
and dancing at Studio 54.

BLOOMERS AT BLOOMIE’S

If you'd been at Bloomingdale's in Los Angeles’ Century City,

you would have caught Playmates Lauren Michelle Hill and Jen-
nifer Walcott pulling down their Playboy PJs to reveal their
Playboy drawers. Hef signed autographs to help launch our
underwear-loungewear line at the store. 13

HANGI

It isn't easy keeping up with Mr. Playboy
and his party posse, but we owe it to you
to try. (1) You-know-who poolside with
Stephanie Heinrich, Christi Shake, Chera
Leigh and Holly Madison. (2) Christi and
Tiffany Holliday shake it with the Black
Eyed Peas. (3) Hef congratulates heavy-
weight champion Lennox Lewis on re-
gaining his title. (4) Sex kittens Michelle
Winchester and Tina Jordan with new
additions to the Mansion menagerie. (5)
Andy Dick and his girl with the Hef Troop
at Las Palmas. (6) Same club, different
night: Holly, Tina and Tiffany with Hef
and Jamie Foxx. (7) Celebrating Tara
Reid's birthday at Guy's. (8) Janet Jackson
with the gang at Las Palmas after her con-
cert. (9) Paris Hilton, Rod Stewart and his
daughter Kimberly at Joya. (10) Chris
Kattan on a Sunday Mansion movie night.
(11) November cover girl Angelica Bridges
at the Sunset Room. (12) The crew with
Chris Rock at Las Palmas. (13) Chazz
Palminteri joins movie night. (14) Pamela An-
derson and David Spade with Hef.

visit; us online

Dear Playboy ы

680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611
E-MAIL DEARPB@PLAYBOYCOM

IN THE NIC OF TIME
Your choice for Miss January, Nicole
Narain (Nicole Naturally), is the hottest
Playmate I've seen in ages.
Cyndy Carroll
‘Tabernacle, New Jersey

Miss January is a perfect 34B. I hope
we'll see more natural beauties like her
in 2002.

Dave Steimling
Newark, Delaware

I've always admired Hef for his ac-
complishments, but I'm bored with the
blonde Playmates. Thank goodness for
Nicole. Variety is the spice of life,
Mike Anderson
Hillsville, Virginia

The contest for 2003 Playmate of the
Year is over. I don't sce how anyone can
beat gorgeous Nicole Narain. She might
just be the most beautiful Playmate of
all time.

Terry Peterson
San Diego, California

1 hope that Nicole isn’t overlooked for
PMOY because her pictorial appears so
early in the year,

Jonathan Estrada
Sacramento, California

GIVE A LITTLE BRIT
I'm a recent convert from CNN to Fox
News. Much as I enjoyed your interview
with Brit Hume ( January), I'd love to see
a pictorial of the Fox newswomen. What
could be more exciting than a bevy of
beautiful, naked, blonde Republicans—
and please give Laurie Dhue top billing.
H. Scott Plouse
Medford, Oregon

SEXY 2001
1 loved The Year in Sex feature “Tits-
a-Poppin'" (January). Your photo of Ju-
lie Bowen of NBC's Ed has given new
meaning to must-see TV.
Eric Shaw
Tiffin, Ohio

HIDDEN DANGER
Asa Baber's Men column on post-trau-
matic stress disorder ("We All Are Veter-
ans,” January) is proof once again that
PLAYBOY publishes informative articles as
well as great pictorials. There are many
effects of the September 11 attacks that
are unseen, and PTSD is one of them.

Hats off to Baber.
Mitchell McQueary

Muncie, Indiana

SOUTHERN COMFORT

I wonder where Anka Radakovich and
her girlfriends find the men she de-
scribes in The New Sexual Etiquette (Jan-
uary). If they meet them in bars and

NG Зах TEN SOUTHEAST BENTE E MMACOOGK INC. 2180 ROI ROAD SUITE 10. SOUTH BULGING, ATLANTA. GA 20342 ios 250-3050, FOR SUB:

The don Collectors
are Clamoring tor Y

Victoria Silvstedt Figurine
Bring the 1997 Playmate of the Year
back to your place in the form of this
limited-edition fashion doll. Victoria
comes with a romantic red robe,
seductive black bra and panty with
matching shoes, a sparkling Playmate
necklace, a collector card and a num-
bered certificate of authenticity for
only $49.99! Request item # PB7572
today—supplies are limited!

Source Code 02325

800-423-9494
www.playboystore. com

Most major credit cards acc

Code 02325
Minois 60143-0608

total
ах,

PLAYBOY

dance clubs, it's no wonder their man-
ners leave a lot to be desired. Perhaps
these women ought to search for more
mature men, or maybe they should look
for a transplanted Southern gentleman
like me. I have never had a single com-
plaint about my manners or my ability
to please my partner.

James Taylor

Yelm, Washington

TOUGH AND BUFF
Joanie Laurer (Joanie Laurer: Warrior
Princess, January) is a very sexy wom-
an—whether she's nude or fully dressed.
She looks like a Boris Vallejo painting
come to life. I only wish a poster were
available.
Corwin Smith
Cedar Rapids, Iowa

I've read рілувоу for almost 30 years
because it's the classiest men's magazine.
Your pictorials always feature beautiful,
sexy, wholesome women. While I have
nothing against Joanie Laurer, I think I
can speak for the vast majority of your
male readers when I say that women
with big muscles are big turnofis.

Michael Sabol
Virginia Beach, Virginia

Thanks for Joanie's awesome encore.
Whether she's a champion wrestler or a
warrior princess, her pictorial flaunts
her beauty and sexuality.

Malcolm Sutherland
Mechanicsville, Virginia

"The last thing that 1 want to see when
I open riavnoy is a 10-page spread of

Terrorist dollars.

what appears to be a naked linebacker
with breasts. Maybe somebody's enjoy-
g this stuff, but I sure ain't.

Scott Willett

New York, New York

I'm in the U.S. Air Force and would

18 love to see Joanie in a military-style pic-

torial. She's one of the most beautiful
women in the world—and my motiva-
tion to go to the gym.

Paul Turner

Offutt AFB, Nebraska

Don't you think publishing one Joanie
Laurer pictorial was more than
enough?

Michael Murray
West Palm Beach, Florida

FOLLOW THE MONEY
Jeffrey Robinson's insight in-

to the world of terrorism (The
Terrorist Dollar, January) bog-
gles one’s mind. Osama bin La-
den is just a small part of the
equation when you consider
the many who sponsor, support
or shelter terrorism throughout
the world.

Roger Kicker

South Beloit, Illinois

HEDO FOR YOUR LIBIDO.

As a guest who has visited
Hedonism 11 18 times, I can
confirm that the book The
Naked Truth About Hedonism IT
(Potpourri, January) is a great source for
information.

Bill Povse
Absecon, New Jersey

Chris Santilli, the author of the book
on Hedonism Il, knows that making sex
fun is about more than just having an
orgasm.

Mark and Patti Jo Lemke
Wayne, Illinois

I was so happy to see your mention
of the Hedonism II resort in Jamaica,
where I had the best vacation of my life.
So 1 bought the book and could not

put it down. Santilli really has her
finger on the pulse of what makes
sex fun.

Bob Yerks
New York, New York
We like the way you put that, Bob.

KISSY FACE
It was nice to read an article from a
guy I've admired since 1975, when at
the age of 14 1 purchased Alive! on cight-
track. I had a big laugh at the visual of
Gene Simmons (Kiss and Makeup, Janu-
ary) running down the beach in his snake-
skin boots with his girlfriend Cher. One
thing people might not know about Gene
isthat he’s a great promoter of unknown
talent. Thanks to him, bands like Cheap
Trick and Van Halen received national
exposure by opening Kiss shows. I thank
Gene for the great music and memories.
‘Todd Dice
Rancho Cucamonga, California

Does hiding behind a cloak of face
paint for years give Simmons license to

bore us to tears? Perhaps superstardom
negates good manners. His boorish kiss-
ing-and-telling might make great copy,
but in the future, I hope he avoids dis-
course and just sticks to intercourse.
Michael Moore
Dunnellon, Florida

Sealed with o Kiss.

SIZE COUNTS
Your January Raw Data column in-
correctly states that the nickname for
the B-52 Stratofortress is BUFF, which
stands for Big Ugly Fast Fellow. You guys
were close, but BUFF actually stands for
Big Ugly Fat Fellow (or Fucker). The B-52
is famous for its size, not its speed. Even
though it can reach a maximum air specd
of about 650 miles per hour, it's not as
fast as other bombers, including the
B-1B Lancer, which can exceed Mach 1.
Oliver Keadle
North Augusta, South Carolina

SOW YOUR OATES
“Thanks for another great story from

Joyce Carol Oates (Aiding and Abetting,
January). I must confess, however, that I
had to reread it for clues as to whether
Owen would really harm his nephew.
Now, how many people do you think re-
read PLAYBOY's fiction?

JJ- Lair

Robbinsville, New Jersey

THE NUMBERS GAME
Sports Illustrated picked Oregon State,

while the AP and the USA Joday/ ESPN
Coaches Poll selected Florida. But you
guys beat all the experts again by cor-
rectly predicting that Miami would win
the national championship before the
season even began (Playboy's Pigskin Pre-
view, October). Your preseason prog-
nosticating has been correct four out of
the past eight years. Without a doubt,
PLAYBOY rules.

Joe Miller

Seattle, Washington

е ЕЕ 20
ANOR. FRESH TOBACCO TASTE.

Trademark of U'S, Smokeless Tobatco Co. of an айда: ODA

SUCKERPUNCH
BOREDOM.

You've eaten the same food. Worn the same clothes. Listened to the same songs. Watched the same channels. Thought the same
thoughts. There's a pattern forming here and it's time to pummel it. The Buell" Blast" is a motorcycle with everything you need to
experience the rush youre after. All for less than $80 a month? We'll even help you enter the world of motorcycling with Rider's Edge”
rider training. Call 1-800-223-8203 for the Buell/Harley-Davidson dealer nearest you. Or pull into www.buellblast.com.

is uie ced DO
Purchaser y REPARER Tor paying ties,

Tote (APR) is au to change whut поса nd.
EE

а 2 aum:
state requirements and restrictions may apoy. The purchase 1395 м a doun, X of $439.50, a 72 mont
permet em. d 12.99% Wai терут ray poenis d SA 3 MOP Соате S449 Bader pardon ná

5
y dieci Te ters cl Pes бы or tms ko Fons may app “Different in every sense:

after

hours

WITNESS JAY-HOVA

Jay-Z (31-year-old Shawn Carter) is a
Martin Scorsese in a field that is crowded
with Jerry Bruckheimers. What he lived
through as a drug dealer in Brooklyn's
Marcy Projects helped shape his peerless
style and made him one of the best rap-
pers today (listen to 2001's The Blue-
print). We caught up with Jay-Hova, aka
Jigga, for a quick Q. and A.

The SportsCenter anchors use lines from
your rhymes. Does that make you mad?

Yeah. You're watching Kobe versus
Iverson and Linda Cohn says, “It's about
to go down” (from 1 Just Wanna Love U).
It just happens. You can't lobby for that.

How'd you get into rhyming?

My mom and pops had a big record
collection. So 1 grew up around music—
Marvin Gaye, a lot of funk like the Broth-
ers Johnson, and my mom was into Prince
early, Every Saturday there was the smell
of Pine Sol, all the windows up, music
playing. After a while 1 started trying to

write rhymes.

HAT'S HAPPENING

EARLY
PEEKS AT
STARDOM

Nancy Ellisan pho-
tagraphed some of
Hallywaad's most
famaus names be-
fore their names
became sa fa-
mous. Her callec-
tion, Starlet, in-
dudes candid
shots of Shari
Belofonte, Maud
Adams, Janet
Jones and the
delectable Jamie
Lee Curtis (ot
right). There are
alsa photas af
Rasanna Ar-
quette, including
a corker that
shows her thatch
exceeding her
underwear—very
retro indeed.
Paul Theraux
wrote a thinky

nature of star-
lets, but he
doesn't break a
sweat. Looking
at same of
these pictures,
you might.

What sparked you to make a career of it?

When I heard the Notorious B.I.G
say, “Being broke at 30 give a nigga the
chills.” That made me be like, Man, I
have to make me an album. I have to get
my shit together. Hustling is corny.

Is it true that you and business manager
Damon “Dame” Dash have a lock on all the
beautiful women in the Hamptons?

If you open the door you might think,

It's just him and Dame and 13 girls in
there. But it’s not like that. We did that
back in the days of Reasonable Doubt. We
were young and on tour and had a little
bit of money. Now ГА rather be around 21

GYRO TO GO

The next time you want to thraw
your dead cell phone against the
wall, wind it up instead. The
Freeplay Energy Graup has
designed a windup mobile
phone charger that will guor-
antee the damn thing works

It's a simple solution ta o
complex headache, ond
winding it is an oll-purpose
excuse for when you're
caught breathless

PLAYBOY

intelligent girls. Girls are introducing
me to all types of books now.

Like what?

I'm reading The Celestine Prophecy, and
it says nothing is coincidence. I was in
an art gallery and a young lady came up
to me and said, “I see you everywhere
and we never speak." I told her I'd been
reading The Celestine Prophecy and if you
keep bumping into somebody they have
a message for you, you just ain't got it
yet. She says she's just reading the same
book. A guy comes up for an autograph:
I say to the guy, “Let me gei
your hand to write on.” It’

Prophecy. This is too much for her She
runs off. Later on I run into her at Lo-
tus. She says, “I figured out why we keep
passing each other. I’m your muse.”
Now, I don’t know what the fuck a muse
is, but I didn't want to tell her that, so
I'm like, “All right, that’s cool.” Then I
lean over to my man Richie and say,
“What the fuck is a muse, man?" He's
like, “Yo, it's something that gives inspi-
ration, but it's bugged out that you asked

DISH OF THE MONTH

Draped with smoked salmon, driz-
zled with lemon-infused wasabi
cream sauce, and crowned with
Iranian caviar, this is no ordinary
el. But Tantra is no ordinary

A i <

E aterfall and hundre«
vanilla-scented candles. This appe-
fizer is an homage to Philadelphia,
chef Willis Loughhead’s home-
town, where soft pretzels are sold
on the street. You eat this one by
hand, too—but you wash it down
with rosé champagne, not beer.

me that because I didn't know what the
fuck that shit was until I saw this mov-
ie about it the other day." 1 leave. Soon
as I get home Richie pages me: "Turn
to HBO right now. The Muse is on.” I'm
telling you, you have to read that book.

Because he was arrested at a

A HEAD OF HIS TIME
-20 pro-

test in Ottawa and taken to the court-

house j

, and because he has multiple

sclerosis and is one of the few Cana

peri

WHY GIRLS SAY YES—REASON #15

her left breast smothering my face and covering it from braw to chin. It was better than Disneyland."

ed to possess and use medi

"They were gigantic and 100-percent real—much bigger than
my awn B cups. These enormous 36DDDs were just staring me in the face. Her blue eyes and tanned skin only added to
the package. She winked at me. 1 don't know how to wink, so this turned me on even more. lt was the ultimate invita-
tion—a VIP membership to the breast club for women. | was all over her, | dove into those suckers. | was so excited | don't
think | even blinked. 1 bit the tip of her nipples and massaged her breasts one at a time, with two hands. Crystal and I
fucked for seven hours that first night, from the bedroom to the spa. At one point she almost drowned me in the water,

—B.H., Chicago

THE FUTURE UNKNOWN.

SUNDAY MARCH З · Bru:

com coms noris nct i пты. IHR and amt tht ers база Coma, М UNT a pad dt A 1А. vtr Mt x no n. “ml € 202 MN dn Et bt

PLAYBOY

marijuana, and because he happened to
have his stash with him as well as a letter
identifying him as a legal possessor of
pot, and because the guards caved in
and generously loaned him some match-
es, retired attorney Rick Reimer is, as far
as we are able to ascertain, the first per-
son to openly and legally smoke a
jointin the joint in North America.

“All some actresses want
is for people to take them
seriously instead of caring
about how they look. For
me, I've worked hard for
people to think I'm funny.

—Nikki Cox H

BLAST FROM THE PANTS

We couldn't let our readers down and
fail to mention an exciting new product
on the market. We're talking about Un-
der-Ease Antiflatulence Underwear
(available from Under-Tec Corp., under-
tec.com). It’s an airtight undergarment
with a carbon filter that neutralizes un-
pleasant odors before they can escape
and be blamed on the family dog. In-
ventor Buck Weimer told The Denver
Post in a heartwarming interview that he

hy My iy Mp Pant te ang age

MAGNETIC ATTRACTIONS

You're a big, busy guy with a big,
busy fridge. Ordinary magnets
just don't do the trick—not with
those phone messages from ev-
ery woman within seven miles
cluttering up the door. So indulge
your outsize sense of humor with
these Manly Man Magnets from
Blue Q of Pittsfield, Massachu-
setts. They‘re loud and stupid and
they bend harmlessly when your
girlfriend chases you around the

kitchen with one.

dreamed up the idea after a Thanksgiv-
ing dinner. His wife, who suffers from ir-
ritable bowel syndrome, was next to him
in bed when she let fly with a monster
emission. Lying there with his eyes sting-
ing, he resolved to find a solution. Love
hath no greater gift—and it's perfect for

those who shouldn't hang around
an open flame.

BONE UP YOUR
SHAKESPEARE

In recent years porn re-
makes of Shakespeare's plays
have inspired academics
(notably Richard Burt of
the University of Massachu-

setts at Amherst, who wrote
À Unspeakable ShaXXXspeares).
While scholars maïntain that
Shakespearean pornography re-
veals more about modern culture
than about the Bard himself, they nev-
er get to the point: Are any of the damn
things worth watching? Actually, yes.

A Midsummer Nights Cream: Despite
some subplots trimmed, and lots of
trim added, the story and spirit of the
original are intact. Benefits: Double en-
tendres like “I could munch your good
dry oats” come alive. Drawbacks: In
porn, a guy with the head and bray ofa
donkey is more nightmare than dream.

X Hamlet: Some lines are familiar (“To
screw or not to screw, that is the ques-
tion”), some recall other plays (“My
kingdom for a fuck!”), and some are
plain silly (“There's a present for you in
my pants”).

Othello: Dangerous Desire: The only con-
nection to the alleged source material?
“Life is pretty strange. Your name is
Desdemona and mine is Othello. Not to
say that has anything to do with Shake-
spcarc—1 just thought it was funny.”

Juliet and Romeo: Montagues don't fall
in love with Capulets—they just have sex
with them. “My heart is Montague,” says
Mercutio, “but my prick is nonpartisan.”

In the Flesh: In this ambitiously artsy
interpretation of Macbeth, the budget
and effort pay off (as do most Shake-
spearean porn vids; think of them as
comparison gainers). As a reminder that
this is the Scottish play, the men wear
kilts—and the women blow bagpipes.

THE TIP SHEET

Rising stock: Fetching female reporters
undress themselves and each other—
trading slaps on the ass for emphasis—
on Market Wrap Unwrapped. Log on to
the website and you can check out your
moneymakers, and theirs.

Rain management: The question: “Do
you stay drier by running or walking
through 2" The answer (from some
North Carolina meteorologists who wrote
about it in the journal Weather): Your
front gets wetter running, but you get
40 percent wetter overall by walking.

BOOK RACKS

Photographer Leslie Lyons has re-
vived the playful sexiness of bur-
lesque in her Strip Flips, three
flipbooks all from Powerhouse.
Below we see George warming
up a New York loft. The series is
perfect for booklovers who take
pleasure in repeatedly thumbing
their favorites.

Enjoy our quality responsibly - Visit crownroyal.com
CROWN ROYAL=WPORTED IN THE BOTILE®BLENOED CANACIAN WHISKY 40% ALCOHOL BY VOLUME (B0 PROOF“ E2001 JOSEPH E GEAGRAM & SONS, NEW YORK. NY

SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACT

QUOTE
“IFI can separate
arib playing golf,
I figure I really
shouldn't be doing
my own stunts.”
—MATT DAMON,

LOL ;-)

The number of
e-mail messages re-
ceived by the U.S.
House of Repre-
sentatives in 2000:
48 million (an av-
erage of 2122 each
week for every
representative).

UP AND ATM

The number of
ATMs in the U.S.:
273,000. The aver-
age cost of each:
$32,500. Average fee for withdrawing
funds from another bank's machine:
$2.86. Estimated revenue generated
by the banking industry through bank-
ing fees: $2 billion.

STRONG FOUNDATION
Number of years This Old House has
been on the air: 22. Number of hous-
es that have been completely renovat-
ed: 41,

WE'RE OK, EURO K
Number of new euro coins released
on New Year's Day by the European
Union: 50 billion. Number of Eiffel
Towers that could be built with the
metal contained in these coins: 24.

UNCLE SUGAR
Percentage of Americans in 2000
who received a tax refund from the
IRS: 72, Number of IRS audits of in-
dividual taxpayers: 618,000. Percent-
age ofall individual returns that were
audited: 0.49.

GOING OFFLINE
Percentage of all computers ever
sold in the U.S. sitting idle in base-
ments, closets and garages: 75.

BEACH BLANKET BAWANG!
According to the Penis Size Survey
of 300 men conducted by Lifestyles
Condoms during spring break in
Cancún in 2000, length of average

erection: 5.9 inches.
Percentage of men
whose measure-
ments range be-
tween 5.1 and 6.9
inches: 78. Percent-
age of men whose
penises are smaller
than 5.1 inches: 11.
Percentage of men
whose penises are
larger than 6.9inch-
es: 11.

DOTS
INCONVENIENT
In a survey by

Accenture, per-
centage of respon-
dents who do not
shop online be-
cause they prefer
to touch or feel an
item they are con-
sidering for purchase: 34. Percent-
age who don't want to pay shipping
charges: 31.

SATS STATS
Number of students in the 1999—
2000 school year who took the SAT
entrance exam and achieved a per-
fect score of 1600: 541. Percentage of
all students with a perfect score: 0.02.

FANTASY FASHION
Price paid at auction for a black
leather corset worn by Xena, the War-
rior Princess (played by Lucy Law-
less): $6800. Price paid for a suede
bra top and skirt worn by Xena's side-
kick Gabrielle, the Amazon Queen
(Renée O'Connor): $6033.

VIRGIN TERRITORY.

Ina national survey of college wom-
en, percentage who said that they
were virgins: 39. Percentage of col-
lege women who had been on more
than six traditional dates (invited out
bya man who picks them up and pays
for everything): 37. Percentage of col-
lege women who had participated in
hookups (a physical encounter with
no strings attached, ranging from just
Kissing to sex): 40.

THE RILEY FACTOR
Percentage decrease in shooting
accuracy in the NBA from 1990 to
2000: 7. BETTY SCHAAL

Mule tone: A modified version of a mis-
sile-jamming device, this mobile signal

jammer blocks the radio waves of cell

phones in theaters, restaurants or wher-
ever else you want to create a zone of
silence.

Enron: The next time someone moans
about how big a bath they took on Enron
stock, point out that the original name
chosen for the bankrupt energy giant
was Enteron. Then the founders were
informed that enteron is the medical
term for intestine. “See—it was destined
to go down the shitter.”

Burka: The old ball-and-chain. “Hey,
Joc—I see you left your burka at home
so you can hit on some chicks.”

Operation Flashpoint, Cold War Crisis: A
Codemasters video game being modified
for the U.S. Marines to use in comman-
do training because of its impressive
combat scenarios, squad management
system and yariety of battlefields.

NBA beds: That's what they're known
as in the hotel industry, and at 72 inch-
es by 96 inches—16 inches longer than
standard—they are what the Shaquille.

its the marke
rate butts

ew Splendidly Blended

You Gotta Taste This

15mg. “tar”, 12mg nicotine av.
For more product information, vis

yrette by FIC method.
її сот.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking

Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. Imagine Getting More from Doral
» Call toll-free 1-866-BLENDS5 or visit www.smokerswelcome.com

Calls and web site limited to smokers 21 years of ape or older.

to say, “Yes sir, no sir,” and “Yes
ma'am, no ma'am.” I know how
to open doors.
Do you live up to the triple Xs in
your name?
I'm capable. I definitely love
sex, make no mistake about it. I
don't think there's anything wrong
with that.
Do you have a patented sex move?
1 have a move for once you've test-
ed the waters down there and you
nt to know what you're working
. You reach around her head, kiss
bring your hand around
and take a sniff. Either it's manageable
or it’s not. Do your thing, girl, be as
freaky as you want, have as much sex as
F you want, but take care of yourself down
KOSHER BEEFCAKE there. I wash my balls and I wash my ass.
> You can do the same.
What are the pros and cons of dating a
Southern girl?
"They're loyal, but they demand loy-
alty. They're feisty as hell. No girl will
stick beside you like a Southern girl. No
girl will beat your fucking ass and slash

your tires and set your shit on fire like a
size travelers ask for when they're mak- have to win over the roommates, be- Southern girl.

ing their reservations. cause when she has problems she's going Who gets laid more, Dale Earnhardt Jr.
to run and talk to them. I'm excellent or you?
BUBBA IN BABELAND with parents, too. I win them over. My 1 hope for his sake that it's him. I'm
No rapper is more proud of his South- charm was i stilled at birth. I know how just doing OK.
ern roots than Bubba Sparxxx, as his vid-
o for Ugly attests (it features his friends
partying in a pig sty). Naturally, we asked
Sparxxx (a.k.a. Warren “Andy” Mathis)
for some down-home dating tips.
In Ugly, you say, "I call my girlfriends bet-
ties and my shits grumpies.”
Is there a Bubbaism for sex?
Sex is cutup. Weed is
schwag. Another term
for girls
Do you have а bel

BE OF THE M

It's make-or-break time for pop
queen Christina Aguilera. The
21-year-old Pittsburgh native
has a debut album that sold
more than 8 million copies, a
1999 Grammy and a successful
Spanish-language album. But
what this girl really wants and
needs is a little respect. Working

No, I ain't tied down. on a more adult sound, Christi-
‘The way girls approach na aims to end all comparisons
me now is amusing. I'm with fellow Mouseketeer 8rit-
like, “Are you serious?” 1 ney Spears, She has the lungs
ka knew my limitations as a and the desire. Lost year,
man before this. I was al- Christina
NER ways a charmer, a South- dressed
pelt | ern gent who could get r Y up like
one or two real, real
tone cai good-looking girls, but

In control at the not nine or 10 ridicu- alongside Lil
core te! lous girls. I'm not say- BURN PRO
\уотел поме ing I won't indulge in a ERI edi fee
НИ that breed of female— makarofllady
їз оһош їтө” 1m human—but 1 know Marmalade. It be-
—Јеппіег бопег Poy like me for superfi- came MTV's Video of the
fial reasons. The person Year. Meanwhile, Britney
1 was before would nev- een Do
er be in that situation. That's Bubba's A awards fondling a snake.
world. ‘That ain't Andy's world. We like this sori of com-
So how do you act on a first date? petition, and we enjoy the
Keep it simple. 1 might get flow- 98 not-so-subliminal messag-
ers—six ute and six fed Because PIAGGIO es. н s even enough to
we're just friends. I'd knock on the make us listen to the music

door, give her the flowers and shoot every now and then.
28 the shit with her roommates. You

EVEN CLOUD NINE HAS A DARK SIDE.

Those seeking Nirvana, take note. Dress properly and

your mood, not to mention the rest of you, needn't

be dampened by threatening skies. Case in point:
the Cinder Creek Shell”. Omni-Tech* fabric featuring Storm Dry
FDT" nylon and Ripstop FD" reinforcements keeps moisture
out while simultaneously allowing moisture of your
own making to escape. An attached hood with a
quickdraw cord and venting chest pockets take
care of the rest, For a dealer nearest you call

1-800-MA BOYLE.

$ Columbia

Sportswear Company;

www.columbia.com

MOST SINGER SONGWRITERS discover alien- fast tracks

ion and wallow in it. But Alanis Moris-
sette keeps making quantum leaps in her

music. She went from anger to under- VERY STRANGE BEDFELLOWS DEPARTMENT: ing Cirque du Soleil. The talks are in
standing in only two studio albums. un- Feminist firebrand of yore Germaine progress. . . . In this, the 40th an-
der Rug Swept (Maverick), her lat- Greer is a big fan of Eminem but even niversary year of the Rolling Stones, a
est, is the first she has written more knocked out by Dr. Dre. REELING survey of 100 stars (including Mick)
and produced entire- AND ROCKING: Mya has a partintheup- picked Gimme Shelter as the band's
ly. On it are songs coming musical Chicago, starring Renée greatest song. . . . Producer Phil Ra-
to her lovers and Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones. . . . топе hosts a new Arts Channel series
Sete ne Cie Ice-T plays a prison guard in Tracks, a that pairs film directors with their mu-
functional part- | true story about teens who derail a sical counterparts, the composers of
ners. She slips out train. . . . Joni Mitchell is the subject the scores. The Score will feature musi-
of her ego and dem- of a documentary directed by Allison cal performances by Brian Wilson, Patti
onstrates compas- Anders. In it, Mitchell records a new Austin and Darius Rucker, among

sion and honesty. Í CD and talks about her paintings and ers... . Classic three-track recordings
— VIC GARBARINI her reunion with her daughter.... from the Who's archives will be re-
Tupac's mother, Afeni Shakur, has leased in true stereo this spring. . . .
Norah Jones is a Р made а deal with MTV to producea Guinness Book of World Records has
musician from Texas who | re son's life. confirmed that a 2244-pound guitar
melds jazz and pop. Her modeled on the Gibson 1967 Flying V
debut, Come Away With Me Ё o thi sof ist the larg playable guitar ever
(Blue Note), shows a rich blend erry Lee h cte It was | built
of influences. She interprets the , | h n Е 11 of tud:
country classic Cold Cold Heart and the n
original Don't Know Why with equal au-
thority. Her voice recalls Phoebe Snow
and Cassandra Wilson, but without the
melancholy. Jones performs more li
seasoned vet than a promising rook the best release by a bass singer since rock band doing anything more
— NELSON GEORGE “Isaac Hayes had his last hit. Freeman than trying for a hit single. The
transformed gospel bass when he joined Drive-By Truckers, however,
Last year, the Organized he Fairfield Four. Now he is 73, and his have revealed a towering am-
Noize cartel in Atlanta 10 gospel classics are powered by soul. bition with their concept al-
completed its hop — РАУЕ MARSH bum Southern Rock Opera (drive
conquest with Outkast's ac- bytruckers.com), a two-disc
claimed Stankonia. Hence There is something magical about ev- set that tells an epic story of
Even in Darkness (Arista), ery one of the 17 Beatles covers on the growing up in the South in
on which Outkast, Goodie soundtrack of the recent film I Am sam the post-civil rights era.
Mob and allies and satel- (V2). The Wallflowers, Sarah McLach- The Truckers celebrate the
lites coalesce into the new- lan, Ben Harper, Eddie Vedder, Rufus glory days when Southern
ly dubbed Dungeon Fami- Wainwright, Aimee rock kicked history's ass
ly. With infectious spirit and sonics, this Mann and others This is great rock and roll and no lost
assemblage cements Organized Noize’s touch the essence | cause. — CHARLES M. YOUNG

claim to reincarnate Parliament-Funk- of the Beatles’
adelic. The vocal standout is Goodie — tunes while mak-
Mob's high-voiced Cee-Lo. But, as with ing their own
P-Funk, the real star is an instantly iden- rend

tifiable groove. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU

Australian twang queen Kasey
Chambers sounds less startling on
Barricades and Brickwalls (Warner)
57 4| than on her debut, The Captain. But
my] this one's worth it for the low-lone-

| some catch in her voice, the rocking

It's rare these
days to hear a

Beautiful Stars (Dead Reckoning) by
Isaac Freeman (with the Bluebloods) is

Crossfire and the audacity of the closing
track, Г Still Pray. —D.M

On her second album, Missundazstood
(Arista), Pink is a woman among girls.
An MTV staple whose old turf was teen
pop. Pink collaborated on many of her
new songs with Linda Perry of Four Non
Blondes. She pulls them off. —RC

Garbarini
8 8 9 8

Christgau
8

Kasey Chambers
Borricades

Willie Nelson is at his best when he
bridges musical borders. The Great Divide
(Lost Highway) is his most commercial
effort since Across the Borderline. Nelson
and Sheryl w collaborate on Be There
for You, while Kid Rock plays a gun-
slinger in Last Stand in Open Country. The
CD is full of surprises. —DAVE HOEKSTRA

Dungeon Family
Even in Darkness
Norah Jones
Come Away With Me
Alanis Morissette.

Under Rug Swept

www.lifestyles.com

Ave you thinking what Inî inking?

T
— ا‎ right

ROCK STAR 101

Everything you need to
know about being a rock
star can be found in Mu-
sicSessions, an interactive
learning program from
InsideSessions. For $70,
MusicSessions students
receive a CD-ROM and
three months of access to
online materials that de-
tail the mechanics of the
music industry. The first
program, From Demo to
Deal, features advice from
artists such as Elton John,
Sting, Rob Zombie, Nelly
and Godsmack, as well
as industry insiders In-
terscope chairman Jim-
my Iovine and Def Jam
founder Russell Sim-
mons, You get all the basics on music
publishing and label deals, plus sam-
ple contracts and contact lists. The
company also offers a $120 package
that includes a chance to have your
demo reviewed and critiqued by Uni

A BETTER LOOK AT BRITNEY

Britney Spears says she’s “not a girl, not
yet a woman,” but now you can decide
for yourself. The pop diva stars in an
interactive DVD titled Experience Britney
that uses new video technology called
FirstPerson to enable viewers to pan, tilt
and zoom through her concert
footage in a 360-degree en-
vironment—all without
stopping the playback.
Designed by Palo
Alto-based Enroute
Imaging. the multi-
camera system re-
cords concert footage
from numerous lo-
cations and angles,
then combines it in-

to a self-navigated
video. As B. i
strutting past you down
the catwalk, you'll be able
to use the disc's controls to
watch her from behind (our favorite),
follow one of her gorgeous dancers or
zoom in on screaming fans in the audi-
ence. While 360-degree video has been
available in various forms for use on the
Net, Enroute is looking to bring the tech-
nology into your living room. Besides
concerts, the company is hoping to use
FirstPerson video to enhance the expe-
rience of viewing music videos, movies,
documentaries and pay-per-view events.
In sports such as football, viewers could

WHERE AND HDW TD BLY DN PAGE IE.

MARKETING
у

PROMOTION
CONTRACT )

ср

versal Music Group's A&R depart-
ment. Next up: WritingSessions, an
online course for aspiring authors,
with tips from Tom Clancy, Kurt Von-
negut Jr, Nick Hornby and various

ublishers. —JASON BUHRMESTER

pan the camera to catch the coach curs-
ing out the team or zoom in on the
cheerleaders. The company also sces
potential video game applications. The
first, in a deal with Playstation 2, is a Brit-
ney Spears game that’s scheduled for re-
lease sometime this year. Using such eye
candy as Britney gyrating in concert
for the debut of FirstPerson begs
the question of when the 360-
degree technology will be
adopted by the adult-
entertainment industry,
where such words as im-
mersive and interactive
really come to life. We're
guessing that it won't be
long now. —LAZLOW

GAME OF
THE MONTH

Occasionally video
games from Japan are so
quirky that they manage
to transcend kitsch com-
pletely and circle back to
downright cool. That was
the case with Jet Grind
Radio, a game made for
the Sega DreamCast. Re-
leased in 2000, it com-
bined influences from
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater,
in-line skating, cheesy
Eighties break-dancing

movies and graffiti art with a healthy
anti-establishment message. The bizarre
plot centered on gangs of kids on rocket-
powered skates who spray-paint one an-
other's neighborhoods in a space-age
gang war set in 2024 Tokyo. To add to
Jet Grind Radio's originality, developers
used a technique called cel shading to
give it a unique comic-book appearance
The game's sequel, Jet Set Radio Future,
has been developed for the Xbox and,
like the origi-
nal, it involves
pulling off slick
tricks, spray-
painting ene-
my turf and
fighting with
other skate
gangsand cops.
Thanks to the
memory in the
Xbox, the new
game's cities
are even larger
and come loaded with pedestrians, cars,
trains and, of course, plenty of police
squads determined to bust your gan,
The action is set to a soundtrack pri
vided by Beastie Boys side projects

2000 and the Latch Brothers, plus oth-
er artists. The game also has multiplay-
er modes so you can go head-to-head
against a friend or work together to take
over the city.

— WILL O'NEAL

Fender's Cyber-Twin guitar amplifier
(S1400) is a virtual warehouse of vin-
tage equipment. It can reconfigure its
electronic architecture to create 205
different amps {including 35 clossics
from Fender history) and 85 custom
designs (created fram combinations of
amp circuitry and dozens af effects)
and hos space to save 35 of your own
amp creotions. Got a good design?
Connect the amp to your PC ond post
the MIDI file online E

www. higher-dior.com

cine

Higher

Dior

Eau de Toilette pour Homme

rlignear
Dior

Higher

Dior

Eau de Toilette pour Homme

Lift here
to discover
igher

ovies
By LEONARD MALTIN

HALLE BERRY made news when she bared
her breasts in Swordfish, then won ac-
claim for Monster's Ball, which involved
much more than mere nudity ina graph-
ic love scene with Billy
Bob Thornton. Nicole
Kidman, Kate Winslet
and Julianne Moore
also continue to take
on sexually adventur-

ous roles. This month, a pair of films
from outside the Hollywood mainstream
feature erotic and challenging parts with
lesser-known actresses, and one wonders
how many established stars would be

Alfonso Cuarón's Y Tu Mamá También
(And Your Mother Too) is the biggest Mex-
ican box-office hit, and it isn't hard to see
why: It’s a contemporary road-trip mov-
ie about two teenage boys whose sum-

mer plans—while

their girl-
friends are traveling in Eu-
rope—take an unexpected
turn when they meet an older
woman (in her late 20s) who
is dissatisfied with her mar-
riage and susceptible to their
flirting. They concoct a car
trip, and she throws caution
to the wind and decides to
join them—breaking the ties with her
husband and the dull, proper life she's
been living. Freeing herself sexually by
pouncing on her naive new friends, she
soon discovers the boys are more talk
than action. The actress who throws her-

self into this part is Maribel Verdi star
in her native Spain.

A couple of talented unknowns have
the lead roles in Kissing Jessica Stein, a
small-scale, New York-made film about a
young woman's first brush with a lesbian
relationship. Up until now Jessica has

been heterosexual, but

impossibly picky (just

ask her mother, played

in a classic Jewish mama
mode by Tovah Feld-
shuh). A random encoun-
ter with a woman who is
openly experimental in
her sex life begins to gnaw
at her sense of conven-
tion. But is Jessica ready to
make such a leap—and is
she ready to admit it to her
friends and family? What
makes Jessica Stein so enter-
taining is that it isn't a mes-
sage movie nor a tract. It's a well-told
story about the unpredictability of love
and relationsbips in a world where all
the old rules are crumbling. Its likable
stars, Jennifer Westfeldt and Heather
Juergensen, also wrote and produced
the film, which was directed by Charles
Herman-Wurmfeld.

Both these films are well served by un-
familiar actresses; in truth, stars might
have been a distraction. But until more-
established actresses dare themselves—as
Halle Berry has, with such success—we
may never know.

bold enough to tackle such material
THE BEST AND THE WORST OF 2001

The Devil’s Backbone: A genuine original—
Guillermo del Toro's ghost story set in Thir-
ties Spain.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch: An odd but en-
dcaring tale of a rock-star wannabe who
survives a botched sex-change operation. A
triumph for first-time director John Cam-
eron Mitchell.

A Beautiful Mind: Russell Crowe
scores again in a flawed but inter-
esting film that provides a breakthrough for
the underrated Jennifer Connelly.

Amélie: À fresh French charmer from film-
maker Jean-Pierre Jeunet.

Stertup.com: À documentary with more drama
than most fictional films.

Monsters Ball: A beautifully nuanced drama
about two lost souls, perfectly played by Billy
Bob Thornton and Halle Berry. Special ku-
dos to first-time screenwriters Milo Addica
and Will Rokos, and director Mare Forster.
No Man's Land: The absurdity of war is cap-
tured in Danis Tanovic's film about a Serb
and a Bosnian trapped between lines.
Songcatcher: Maggie Greenwald's resonant
story about a woman who discovers herself
while gathering folk songs in Appalachi:
1 Am Sam: Sean Penn gives the performance
of the year as a mentally retarded man who
fights to maintain custody of his daughter.
Michelle Pfeiffer's a standout as his high-
powered, self-absorbed lawyer.

Lantana: An adult drama of love and infidelity
cloaked in the guise of a police procedural.

Down to Earth: À crass, un-

funny fantasy caught be-
tween Chris Rock and a hard place—and
an insult to the 1941 original, Here Comes
Mr. Jordan.
Monkeybone: Another awful movie with
Brendan Fraser, who emerges un-
scathed from one disaster after another.
Corky Romano: An alleged comedy fea-
turing the guy who's always funny for
five minutes, Chris Kattan.
See Spot Run: One family film you
wouldn't send any family to see.
Town and Country: Proof that big names
such as Warren Beatty and oodles of
money can't save a doomed film.
The Mummy Returns: Winner of 2001's
stupid-sequel sweepstakes.

Jennifer Connelly.

In the wake of September 11, Holly-
wood feared that the last thing Ameri-
can audiences would want to see was a
war movie. But the success of Behind En-
emy Lines (with its shameless flag-way-
ing finale) and Black Hawk Down (which
doesn't even depict a successful U.S. mis-
sion) shows that moviegoers are primed
for action. Is this a means

Stars back in khaki.

of catharsis, or has the
war in Afghanistan gi
en us a new арргесї
tion for those who de-
fend our freedom?

Either way, there are
more war movies in the
works, including John
Woo's Windtalkers, with Nicolas Cage,
which was originally scheduled for re-
lease in November. Here is a story that's
never been depicted on-screen before:
the use of Navajo soldiers for commu-
nications during World War II. The
film should go a long way to boost the
stock of actor Adam Beach.

Bruce Willis, who flirted with making

a movie based on the vintage TV series
Combat, has chosen a different kind of
WWII vehicle in Hart‘s War, which takes
place at a POW camp where an Ameri-
can officer initiates a court-martial to
disguise an escape plan. Even after all
these years, there's still no villain quite as
useful as a Nazi.
And Mel Gibson stars in We Were
Soldiers, playing Lieu-
tenant Colonel
Hal Moore of the
U.S. Air Cavalry,
who led the first
major incursion

THE
THEATER
OF WAR

into Vietnam in 1965 and promised his
men, “1 will be the first to step on the
field and I will be the last to step off, and
I will leave no one behind.” Sam Elliott
managed to land a plum part playing
Gibson's top sergeant.

Will there be even more warfare
on-screen? Just so long as people keep
Paying to see it.

SCENE STEALER

I have neve.

SCORE CARD

capsule close-ups of current films
by leonard maltin

Big Bad Love Arliss Howard wrote, di-
rected and stars in Larry Brown’s sto-
ry of a writer trying to put his messy
life in order. A compelling, highly
personal film, told in nonlinear fash-
ion—and a welcome return for Debra
Winger (Howard's real-life wife), who
also produced this offbeat могу. УУУ
Birthday Girl Nicole Kidman is always
watchable, this time as a Russian
Internet-order bride who brings tur-
moil into the life of mousy bank clerk
Ben Chaplin—but the story doesn't

make a lot of sense. уу
The Count of Monte Cristo James Caviezel
does an impressive turn as Edmund

Dantes in this surprisingly good ren-
dition of the Dumas classic about be-
trayal and revenge. Guy Pearce is a
snarly villain, and the i table Rich-
ard Harris is Caviezel's wizened fellow
prisoner who helps him escape. ¥¥¥
Crossroads Britney Spears stars in a
tailor-made teen vehicle that gives its
audience what it wants: two songs
and Britney in her underwear. YY)
Kissing Jessica Stein A New York career
woman chances to meet another wom-

an who is looking for sexual adven-
ture and, to her own astonishment,
finds herself in love. An entertaining
and provocative film about modern-
day relationships. wy
Last Orders Bob Hoskins, Michael
Caine, Tom Courtenay, David Hem-
mings and Ray Winstone make any
film worth watching—especially when
directed by the talented Fred Sche-
pisi—though this story of longtime
drinking buddies about to bury one
of their own never reaches the emo-
tional heights one wants it to. ¥¥/2
Monsoon Wedding Mira Nair s percep-
tive, life-affirming and universal story
of the tumult surrounding a wedding
in India.

The Mothman Prophecies Richard Gere's
loving wife (Debra Messing) dies after
a mysterious crash, which leads Gere
to a small town where he and the
sheriff (Laura Linney) try to explain
the unexplainable. They fail. vy
Pinero Benjamin Bratt is impressive as.
the Nuyorican playwright, but Leon
Ichaso's film never unlocks the mys-
tery of this self destructive talent. УУУ»
Y Tu Mamá También A sexy road mov-
ie from Mexico about a woman who
abandons her dull married life and
goes on a car trip with two teenage
boys. The parts seem greater than the
whole in this intriguing film from di-
rector Alfonso Cuarön. Vy;

¥¥ Worth a look
V Forget it

¥¥¥¥ Don't miss
¥¥¥ Good show

Bombay Sapphire Martini
by Jonathan Adler

SAPPHIRE INSPIRED

GUEST SHOT

"| love musicals—Singin’ in the Rain, The
Wizard of Oz, Meet Me in St. Louis, Cab-
aret—because of the suspension of dis-
belief and my love for dance

and music,” says direc-

tor John Landis (Animal

House, Blues Brothers

and Beverly Hills Cop

Ш). "The last really

good musical was Dis-

f ney's Beauty and the

Beast. But | like horror films,

too. Psycho is a brilliant film,

and so are 2001: A Space

Odyssey, Bride of Franken-

stein and The Evil Dead—

which, of course, couldn't be

- further from Singin’ in the

‚Rain and The Wizard of 02." —Susan KARUN

BUDDIES WITH BADGES

Robert De Niro and Eddie Murphy swap
barbs as misfit police partners in Show-
time, a comic send-up of that most com-
mercial, ever-lingering genre—the bud-
dy-cop movie. Here are some of the
notable antecedent:
Bad Boys (1995): deceive a violent
drug lord, married detective Martin Law-
rence assumes swinging bachelor Will
Smith’s life while Smith has to pretend
to be married to Lawrence's wife. Amid
the hilarity, director Michael Bay keeps
the action going full-throttle.
Stakeout (1987): Seattle detective Richard
Dreyfuss sneaks into Madeleine Stowe's
bedroom to plant a bug and go under-
cover—her covers, that is. Partner Emi-
lio Estevez listens in (the perv).
Running Scored (1986): Ordered to go on
vacation by their captain, Chicago detec-
ives Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines
il it to Key West, but bad guy Jim-
my Smits won't leave them alone. The
high-cnergy chemistry between Crystal
and Hines is worth it; the fanciful shoot-
out at the finale is a bonus.
Internal Affairs (1990): No fear of frater-
nization here: LAPD partners Andy Gar-
cia and Laurie Metcalf havea lot in com-
mon—they both like women. Richard
Gere, in a rare turn as a villain, is rivet-
ing as the dangerous, manipulative de-
tective they're investigating.
Rush Hour (1998): The clash of cultures is
caustic: Chris Tucker is a hip-hopping
American detective teamed with Hong
Kong cop Jackie Chan, who gets to say
the immortal line, “Wassup, my nigga?”
Lethal Weapon (1987): The cheese-free
granddaddy of the genre. Family man
Danny Glover, ready for retirement, is
teamed with suicidal loner Mel Gibson.

36 Gibson's fight with psycho Gary Busey at

the end is for the ages.

The Super Cops (1974): Batman (Ron Leib-
man) and Robin (David Selby) defy the
Bill of Rights and the Geneva Conven-
tion in bringing down NYC's drug deal-
ers. Based on real-life detectives Dave
Greenberg and Bob Hantz, who make
cameos as—what else?—cops.

The Rookie (1990): Hard-drinking, aging
detective Clint Eastwood is partnered
with troubled rookie Charlie Sheen to
bring down a violent car-theft gang.
Dirty Harry should leave this clunker off
his résumé. —BUZZ MCCLAIN

DISC ALERT

Some 20 years after he hung up the
gloves, Muhammad Ali is celebrated in
Michael Mann's Ali and a string of new
videos, including a DVD rerelease of the
incredible 1996 documentary When We
Were Kings (USA Home Entertainment,
$20), about Ali's 1974 title fight with
George Foreman in Zaire. But fans who
would rather not take a rope-a-dope ap-
proach to Ali's legacy are advised to grab
The Last Hurrah (Rhino, $20). Hurrah doc-
uments Ali’s final bout, the 10-round de-
cision that he dropped to Trevor Berbick
on December 11, 1981. A little less than
a month away from his 40th birthday,
bloated and stung by Parkinson's, Ali is a
harrowing and pitiful exercise in pride.
“Туе never seen him more somber,” the
ringside announcer says of the champ,
who awaits the opening bell with solemn
resignation. Ten rounds later, Ali, still
standing somehow, announces his retire-

Arguably the best
TV show about a
TV show, The Lar-

ry Sanders Show:

The Entire First

Season (Columbia

TriStar) is a great ad-
dition to the DVD li-
brary. Ushering in the
era of HBO's superior programming, Larry
Sanders treated its audiences with irony,
smart dialogue and situations that could
actually pass for adult. Plus, it afforded the
occasional welcome flash of skin. If you
missed any part of that season, or just
care to savor Dana Delany's appearance
again (episode two), here's your chance.

ment at ringside. The sweet science has
offered few moments more bitter than
this muttered amen.

À new release of George Roy Hill's
Slap Shot—one of the all-time great sports
movies—marks its 25th anniversary in a
new special edition ($27, Universal Stu-
dios) featuring what promises to be one
of the year’s most inspired commentary
tracks. The oddball Hanson brothers (ac-
tually David Hanson, Steve Carlson and
Jeff Carlson), who parlayed their roles
alongside Paul Newman and Michael
Ontkean into iconography, fittingly pro-
vide the blow-by-blow— GREGORY P FAGAN

‘SUSPENSE

Training Doy (dirty cop Denzel Washington—dazaling in on
against-type turn—shows rookie Ethan Hawke the ropes),
Domestic Disturbance (John Trovolta—sainily in a patemol
turn—saves his son from scummy stepdad Vince Vaughn).

SLEEPER

Heist (fence Danny DeVito goods Gene Hackman into one
lost job; from David Mamet, this month's best bel). Bandits
(Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton hom it up as o modem
Butch and Sundance; works better on the small screen),

HORROR

From Heil (London cop Johnny Depp dopes up to get inside
Jack the Ripper's fugitive head; the best whodunit in years),
Bones (os the Soton-meets-Superfly center of this dazzling
hip-hop gorefest, rapper Snoop Dog is a red-eyed howl).

DRAMA

The Lost Castle (jailed war hero Robert Redford locks choris-
ma with prison warden James Gandolfini: a bit rote bul re-
warding), K-Pax (Kevin Spacey swears he's с spaceman, ond
shrink Jeff Bridges wonders; no Cuckoo's Nest, but it still flies).

YOUR SOFT SIDE

A.l.: Artificial Intelligence (robot boy Haley Joel Osment just
wants love; Kubrick-vio-Spielberg fantasy soars despite sap},
Life as a House (terminally ili architect Kevin Kline rebuilds
dad's bungalow: as good as Lifetime-for-guys can gel).

pco Co. or an
à

Fresh Cope (©

It satisfies: №

a Gpenhag

LONG

eng

CUT

By MARK FRAUENFELDER

ONLINE MUSIC—SMART AND DUMB.

Record companies just don't get it. In December, Real
works announced its new Music Net song subscrij

(musicnet.com), which allows customers to download popular
tunes onto their computers for $10 a month. MusicNet boasts
a large inventory of high-quality music—more than 100,000
songs from the catalogs of Warner Music, EMI, BMG and
Zomba. Sounds great, but don't sign up until you've read the
fine print: You're limited to 100 downloadable songs and
100 live streams per month. Worse, MusicNet uses anti-
copying technology that prevents you from moving the
songs from your computer to an MP3 player. In other

words, you're expected to pay
$10 a month to listen to three
new songs a day through a
crappy little computer speaker.
I won't be surprised if this site
has croaked by the time you
read this. Meanwhi 1 have
signed up for emusic.com, an
infinitely better service that al-
lows unlimited downloads from
a library of 200,000 MP3 songs
for $10 per month (based ona
one-year contract; a three-month
contract is $15). You won't find
any Britney Spears, but you will
get tons of great jazz (like Twen-
ties-era jazz and blues from the

tions (" Where's the best shrimp remoulade in New Orleans?”)
and you can listen to reviews, recipes and food-related rants
by clicking on the Radio Free Chowhound link. (Warning:
Don't read this site on an empty stomach.)

FLIGHT FARE FINDER

I have had my problems with online travel agencies, but Fve
started using a travel program called SideStep (sidestep.
com). After downloading a small application from the site,
you will notice an icon of a jetliner in your browser's toolbar
(the system works only with
Windows). Whenever you
need to book a flight, click on
the icon and enter the cities
and dates. SideStep searches
more than 100 sources for the
best prices. Using SideStep,
I found a round-trip ticket
from Burbank to Oakland for
$130. The best Orbitz (or
bitz.com) could do for flights
on the same day was $313.
Expedia (expedia.com) fared
even worse, coming in at $377.
I'm still nervous about book-
ing a flight online, though. I
usually print out the flight in-
fo and ask a travel agent to

give me the same deal.
(If everyone did that,
sidestep.com would go
bust. But I'd prefer
that to getting burned
by an online travel
agent again.)

WORLD OF PIN-UP
I'm a big fan of pin-
up art—especially the
work of Gil Elvgren,
Zoë Mozert and Alber-
to Vargas. Compared
with these artists, Oliv-
ia is a newcomer. I first

Yazoo label), classic surf music
and a library of late-Seventies and carly-Eighties punk. My
iPod is loaded with 948 songs from emusic.com, and I'm
burning MP3 CDs so fast the computer is smoking.

GUERRILLA GOURMANDS

"re told at Chowhound.com is that it's not a
site for foodies. “Foodies eat where they're told. They eagerly
follow trends and rarely go where Zagat hasn't gone before.
Chowhounds, on the other hand, blaze trails, gleefully comb-
ing neighborhoods for hidden culinary treasure.” The site
was started by Jim Leff, a professional food critic who wanted
a hype-free forum where he and fellow chowhounds could
about their favorite subject: sitting down at diners, dives,
and restaurants—and digging into the grub. The hun-

The first thing y

38 рту folks who hang out here are happy to answer your ques-

saw her work in the
early Eighties, and while 1 thought her paintings of Bettie
Page and other retro models were well executed, they didn’t
stand up to the works of the premiere artists. After attending
the opening of Olivia's American Geisha show at the Tamara
Bane Gallery in Los Angeles, I've changed my mind. Olivia is
a major talent. You can see for yourself at worldofpinup.com.

QUICK HITS
Find out if there's any money coming to you at classaction
ame om. ... Alison has kindly stuck a webcam in her

pants. Take a peck at pantscam.com. . . . Make your own
Bruce Lee action flick at skop.com/brucelec. Not all self-
published online novels suck. Try dirtyredkiss.com, a San

Francisco love story.

Great Lovers Are Made, Not Born...

—

100% Satisfaction
arantee

WARRING The ita So ds Ses i S
and is intended or adults over the age

Making love is an art. And like any artistic endeavor, the
better the technique, the better the end result. We believe that
cach of us, no matter how "experienced; can benefit from
learning new skills. Better Sex Advanced Techniques intro-
duces new worlds of sexual experience by giving you and your
partner the opportunity to wateh, listen, and learn together.

Better Sex Advanced Techniques helps you master the

techniques that lead to exciting lovemaking. Fach 90-minute
video balances enlightened commentary by nationally recog-
nized experts on sexuality, with beautifully filmed explicit
scenes of couples in intimate situations. The series opens doors
10 areas you may not have discussed with your partner. It tan.
talizes with ideas that may be new to you. And it provides a
quiet oasis of intimacy in your often hectic lives.

If you and your partner are ready to venture into a new
world of intimacy, join the hundreds of thousands of couples
who have already ordered Better Sex Advanced Techniques
today. And find out for yourself how great lovers are made

2 FREE VIDEOS!

Advanced Oral Sex Techniques, our new 30-minute video, is
guaranteed to increase your lovemaking pleasure. Great Sex 7
Days A Week shows you even more creative ways to ignite

intense sexual excitement. Get
BetterSex

both videos FREE when you
order today!
ADVANCED TECHNIQUES
video seri

Browse our entire video library at
www. bettersex.com

FOR FASTEST SERVICE WITH CREDIT CARDS OR A FREE BROCHURE, CALL 1.800.955.0888 EXT.8PB105 24 HOURS

or mail to: The Sinclair Intimacy Institute, Dept 8PB105, PO Box 8865, Chapel Hill, NC 27515.

Please specify desired forma: VHS DVD

Plain Pachaging Protects Your Privacy

том

ТОТА!

posta
C amex

C tank Money Order C] check E] visa Dl uc [С] picos

Cards Exp due

Stat Zp

Signature

Heels

IMMIGRANT NIGHTMARES

The Short Sweet Dream of Eduardo Gutierrez (Crown) is a short, bit-
ter masterpiece. Gutierrez was a 21-year-old illegal immigrant
who was killed in a construction accident in Brooklyn in 1999.
According to the book, the developers had “major funda
ing ties to the administration of Mayor Rudolph Giuliani,
which is why the story should have played well in the press.
But Gutierrez’ name received scant coverage. In the stark,
direct prose that marks his style, Jimmy Breslin reconstructs
the life of the young man.
He traces Gutierrez! deter-
mined journey from a small
Mexican town to a job in
New York that he hoped
would enable him to save
enough money to return
home, marry his sweet-
heart and help his fam
Breslin comes at Gutierrez
story like a prizefighter
stalking a bigger opponent.
Breslin's adversary is a two-
headed, two-faced govern-
ment: the feds (with their
futile and often dangerous
immigration and drug poli-
des along the Mexican bor-
der) and the Giuliani ad-
ministration in New York (where campaign contributors
apparently were a higher priority than the workers). Bres-
lin reminds us that there are thousands more stories like Ed-
uardo's all over the U.S. — PAUL ENGLEMAN

W | — f.

With the economy struggling, what's on out-of-work dot-
commer to do? Or someone stuck in a dead-end job? To
the rescue comes Adoms Medio's JobBonk series. Focusing
on on individual city such as Chicogo, New York or Los
Angeles, each volume lists thousands of profiles of potential
employers, with addresses, phone numbers, positions and
hiring requirements. If you're willing to relocate, pick up
Adams Media's Internet Job Search Almanac 2001-2002, It
points out the best sites for posting your résumé and finding
the lotest job listings—so you don't have to pound the pove-
ment. Once you've trocked down that dreom job, you'll
need Cover Letters That Knock ‘Em Dead by Mortin Yate to
get noticed by the hiring manoger, and Knock ‘Em Dead 2002
or The Everything Job Interview Book, with cheat-sheets for
more than 200 tough interview
questions. Next step:
‘employment.
—JASON BUHRMESTER

WIRED TO THE FUTURE

According to China Dawn (Harper Business), an eye-opening
new book by м.лувоу Contributing Editor David Sheff, there's
an almost-secret revolution going on in China. Mixing human
interest with firsthand research, Sheff follows a pair of ven-
ture capitalists who, shaken by events at Tiananmen Square,
vow to drag their country into the 21st century by way of
technological advanc-

es. This gang of two,
Bo Feng (a Shanghai-
born California invest-
ment banker) and Ed-
ward Tian (one of the
creators of China’s In-
ternet) raise the level of
technology in their na-
tive land. A friend to
both, Sheff provides a
riveting play-by-pla
Feng and Tian create
a company, struggle
for funding, battle gov-
ernment distrust and
emerge as leaders of
what appears to be a
new age of enlightenment in China. We're also introduced to
a fascinating cast of Asian visionaries—including Wang Zhi-
dong, producer of the most popular homegrown software
program in the nation. Zhidong wanted most to become the
Bill Gates of China, but failed because, as Sheff notes, “the Bill
Gates of China will be Bill Gates.” There are some things that
can't even be changed by revolutions. —DICK LOCHTE

BON APPETIT
We always thoughi
the easiest way to
get a woman to have
sex with you on your
kitchen floor wos to
get her loaded. Now
there's a sexier alter-
notive. Temptations (Fireside), by Michael and Ellen Albertson,
teaches you how to stuff a woman with such aphrodisiacs as
oysters, while leaving enough room for dessert. History buffs
should check out In the Devil's Gorden (Ballontine). Many foods
have been condemned or banned becouse of their supposedly
sinful effects. Stewort Lee Allen provides recipes for several of
these devilish dishes. —PATTY LAMBERTI

SEXY STORIES
Steve Almond's stories dissect the dynam-
ics of sexual relotionships. His riffs on love
gone wrong ore tinged with meloncholy
ond humor as well as o robust enthusi-
osm for sex. In the title story of his debut
collection, My Life in Heavy Metal (Grove]—
first published in PLAYBOY—an entry-level |
newswriter is assigned to cover hair
bands, whose crotch-grabbing machis-
mo fuels his own reckless offair. Other
Almond stories about sex on the presi-
dential campoign trail, rough sex in Po-
lond and o fistfight between two wom-
en in Greece capture out-of-control
moments with the measured skill of o
writer twice his age.

STEVE ALMOND

ALL ABOUT ASHTON

For six years co-host
Juli Ashton has been
giving America good
sex chat on Playboy

TV's Night Calis. “I
was in the right place
at the right time. The
show changed my life,”
she says. “I grew up in
Colorado, went to Col-
orado State University
and taught junior high
for a year. But 1 hat-
ed teaching, so I went
back to dancing." Juli
then amassed an impressive list of adult-
film roles. Her favorite is Essentially Juli
Now the 32-ycar-old sexpert is working
toward her doctorate at the Institute for
Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.

There is no doubt she will graduate with
honors.

FEEL LIKE PHONE SEX?

Playboy TV takes interacüve television
to the next level with Night Calls, a 90-
minute live show during which callers
share secret fantasies with hosts Juli Ash-
ton and Tiffany Granath. "The live as-
pect is what makes it so popular," Juli
says. “You can't lie on live TV. The view-

ers will catch you. Tiffany is a riot,
and that's just her—she isn't act-
ing. Love us or hate us, our per-
sonalities make the show." When

tuning in, expect the unex-
pected. “The viewers have
taught me so much. I appreci-
ate how sexual America 1s,”
Juli says. “People have amaz-
ing sex in the Midwest and
other places that are tradi-
tionally conservative. During one
call, we directed three girls and
two guys through an intense sexu-
al scenario. We have also demonstrat-
ed how to make a dildo from your boy-
friend’s penis. Night Calls caters to what

iy SULT

real people are doing and thinking and
what turns them on. Unlike mest porn,
it's not an image created by one man
Women are in tune with our show be-
cause it’s not threatening. They're not
being pushed into something that's un-
comfortable.” Night Calls airs the first

Only choice
pole climbers
make the
cut on

Strip Seorch.

and
third
Wednesday of every
month at 11 р.м. EST
and 8 P.M. PST.

POLE PROS

Private dancers
from exclusive gen-
tlemen’s clubs get
the star treatment
on Playboy TV's
Strip Search. "Great
strippers never lose
their attraction to someone in the audi
ence,” Juli says. “You have to make the
experience sexual. 1f guys don't think
you're enjoying it, they won't get turned
on." In terms of lap dances, does she
give as good as she gets? “I would rather
receive one from a girl and give one toa
guy,” she says. “Ladies, let your husbands
go to a strip club, because there's noth-
ing happening. It's a joke among strip-
pers because it's the safest place for your
men. It's about exhibition, not random
sex.” Strip Search premieres Monday,
March 4 at 10 p.m. EST and 10 р.м. PST:

THIS MONTHS PICKS

PLAYBOY Y)

MANSION

[ГЛ УЛ еее

MODEL BEHAVIOR
When Cindy Crawford first posed for us
in July 1988, we marked the occasion by
hiring photographer Herb Ritts. Ritts
had earned Crawford's respect when he
photographed Paulina Porizkova and
Brigitte Nielsen for pLaysoy in 1987. “1

never imagined that I'd do a layout,”
Crawford said at the time. “Then I saw
what Herb Ritts did with Brigitte and I
thought, Wow, if he can make her look
that good, I'd love to see what he could
do with me.” Obviously, the issue was
а smash. “It became an instant classic,
paving the way for other supermodels
such as Stephanie Seymour to appear
in PLAYBOY," says Photography Director
Gary Cole. In October 1998 Crawford
and Ritts teamed up again for what
turned out to be the
year's best-selling is-
sue. Check out Craw-
ford's pictorials as
well as other clas-
sic celebrity nudes at
cyber.playboy.com.

SEX ED

Feeling lackluster
in the sack? Tune
in to Playboy.com's
Love and Sex sec-
tion for weekly, bat-

tle-tested sex tips on everything from

finding her clitoris to turning a chair in-
42 toa rocking sex prop. Missed a week on-

line because you were
too busy getting laid?
Don't worry, they're
archived. When your
girl ends up sweaty
and satiated, you'll be
thanking us.

THE ANIMAL
HOUSE HUNT IS ON

PLAYBOY is doing an off-
the-hook, kegs-and-
babes-galore search for
the best party schools
in the U.S. The results
will be published in
our October 2002 col-
lege issue. Is it your
school? We want the
dirt. Go to the On
Campus section of
Playboy.com for the
details, then explain
to partyschools@
playboy.com why your
college is the coolest
party school in the
nation. Come spring,
you may find us in-
vading your campus
bars, frat houses and

CYBER GIRL OF THE M

HE |||
| |

A bit of advice for the betrothed: Unless you want to risk
conceling the nuptials because you've fallen for another
woman, do not hire wedding planner turned Morch Cyber
GiloftheMonh — Why wedding
planning? "You get the chance to see what people who ore
extremely in love are like,” she soys. "I see good examples
of what I would like in a husband." Heother is currently sin-
gle, and here's what she's looking for: “A guy who con hold
о decent conversation and who has great eyes. I'm not
picky in terms of looks." See more photos and a video of
Heather ond our other Cyber Girls at cyber.playboy.com.

parties. And if we publish your response,
you could win a Playboy prize. We can't
think of a better reason to crack open a
cold one. Cheers.

THE SWEETEST 16

Even if you're not crazy
about college basketball,
you can still have a blast |
during March madness.
When the games begin on
March 14, Playboy.com
kicks off its own sweet-
16 tournament in which
sexy coeds go head-
to-head to determine
which school has the
hottest student bodies.
We will choose four col-
leges from each of four
regions—Northeast,
South, Midwest and
West—and Playboy.
com users will yote
on the matchups.
Asan added bonus,
Playboy Cyber Club
members will be re-
warded with nude
pictorials from each
campus. This is a
single-elimina-
tion tournament
with two of the
schools bust-

ing their way to the finals. Get in on all
the voting action at Playboy.com.

CHAT ME UP

Quick, if you could ask a Playmate or a
Cyber Girl anything, what would it be?
“What's your favorite position?” “Where
do you see yourself in 10 years?” “Who's
hotter, Britney or Beyoncé?" Queries
from the dumb to the deep are wel-
come at cyber. playboy.com, where
Playmates and Cyber Girls chat
live at least four times a weck.
Want to read what Liv Linde-
land said in 1998 about being
the first Centerfold to show pu-

HUGH HEFNER: | have always thought
that my life and PLAYBOY are like
on inkbiot test. People project thelr

dreams, fantasies and prejudices on-
to PLAreor,

bic hair? Or what Brande Roderick
said before being named Playmate of
the Year? Or Hugh Hefner's thoughts
in 2000 about the future of the mag-
azine, the Internet and how he picks
Playmates? No problem. Transcripts
have been archived since May 1997,
when Tylyn John became the first Play-
mate to do a live discussion. Get to
know the women of PLAYBOY—our fa-
vorite talking Rabbit Heads.

" Е My

By ASA BABER

FIRST THINGS FIRST: The Men column be-
gan 20 ycars ago this month with “Role
Models,” and there were many times af-
ter its birth when I didn't think it was go-
ing to survive. Nevertheless, it has been
an honor and a privilege to have a page
of my own in this magazine over three
decades.

Many of you have traveled with me for
much of this journey, and I thank you
from the bottom of my corrupt and per-
verted little heart for your friendship
and feedback. You may not realize it, but
your letters, e-mail and calls kept this
column alive, even when numerous peo-
ple were knocking it. It’s still standing
because of you, and for that I owe you
big time. You kept me in the writing
game and that beats working for a g-

Now, on to the business of the day,
which is to examine a difficult topic we
don't talk about much—not even among
ourselves.

I speak ofa major male fear—the fear
ofembarrassment. I maintain that it mo-
tivates us and freezes us and drives us
night and day. It colors our moods, af-
fects our choices and channels our ener-
gies. Sometimes our fear of embarrass-
e us as funny, sometimes it
can scem scary, but we struggle through
it, mostly in silence. Now is the time to
bring it out of the closet.

I call it the Big E, and I say it can rule
us or ruin us. As examples, allow me to
illustrate two moments from my scuzzy
life (you will relate to them, I promise):

Item #1: 1 was 12 years old, а skinny
punk with a bad complexion, crooked
front teeth (still got ’em!) and an edgy,
wiseass attitude honed on the South Side
of Chicago. By this age, I was no longer
a virgin, Га tried many drugs, I was a
petty thief and a wary gutter rat. I at-
tended school less than half the time
(truth!) and wandered up and down
47th Street every chance I got, poking
my nose like a spy into bars and bookie
joints. I loved every bit of it. But my life
was complicated, because I was also re-
quired to visit my grandmother for a few
weeks every summer in a small town in
farm country. The gap between those
two cultures was enormous.

One day, while visiting my grand-
mother, 1 was invited to a swimming par-
ty at a nearby lake. It sounded good to
me, so I took my seedy swim trunks and
hitched a ride to join the fun. The boys
changed in one set of rooms, the girls
in another. What followed in the water
was a little too innocent for me, but what
the hell. It was better than sitting in my
grandmother's living room, watching
her watch professional wrestling on TV.

The Big E hit me after the swim. I was

THE
BIG E

alone in a dressing room that shared a
thin wall with the room where the girls
were changing.

“Did you see his legs?” I heard one of
them asking. “My God, did you look at
them skinny little things poking out of
his trunks?”

Another voice chimed in, “And he's
gota pimple on his back as big as a boul-
der.” I listened, mortified. They were
talking about me. They dissected me as if
I were a frog in a biology class.

“He rubbed up against me when I was
in the inner tube and I almost smacked
his ugly face,” said another of the coun-
uy girl angels. The beat went on. When
they finally sheathed their scalpels, there
was nothing visible left of me on their
cutting board.

I wanted out of that place in the worst
way, but I also lived by my own pugna-
cious code of honor, and Lrefused to run
and hide. (Yes, it is possible the Men col-
umn was born at that moment.)

The Irish in me, which is considerable,
demanded that I go out and face my de-
tractors and get through the rest of the
afternoon—which I did. But I under-
stood then and there how hard it is for
men to deal with embarrassment, espe-
cially when confronted with the mock-
сту of women. Nothing has changed my
opinion in the intervening years.

Пет #2: Two years after that episode,
1 was sent to an exclusive all-male prep
school on the East Coast. There has ney-
er been anyone more poorly prepared
for that culture shock than yours truly. I
soon discovered that mortification can
be a male-on-male transaction as well.

‘There were many embarrassments for
me in that environment, from my paltry

wardrobe to my lack of a strong educa-
tional foundation (all those days I cut
school in Chicago came back to bite me
on the butt here). But the Big E hit me
hardest in the arca of my empty wallet.

It was obyious to all of my classmates
that I had no money. I didn't go any-
where on weekends. But then my grand-
mother sent me a $100 check as a sur-
prise. I made a call and managed to con
some poor girl from New York City into
a date. Then I talked with some class-
mates and explained my problem. “Give
me the name of a nice but inexpensive
restaurant,” I said. “I want to impress
this babe, but my budget is tight."

You know the rest. They thought emp-
ty wallets were an amusing condition, so
they gave me the name of a nice, expen-
sive restaurant. I went in, sat down with
my date, opened the menu and immedi-
ately turned crimson (again). I told her I
was not hungry but she should feel free
to eat. She did. Believe me, she did. АЕ
terward, I took her home in a taxi and
then, dead broke, walked six miles to
Penn Station and went back to school,
only to meet the mockery of my semi-
chums, all of whom loved to see me
blush, none of whom understood how
broke I really was.

It was not lost on me as I studied the
laughing hyenas in their preppy cloth-
ing (clothes I later adopted as my own to
avoid the embarrassment of
ly dressed) that there was a big differ-
ence between the swim party and this
episode. The country girls who diced me
and sliced me were protected by society
and custom from my revenge. I had no
way to fight them or turn the tables. But
the guys who embarrassed me were a
different story: With them, all bets were
off; I could fight them or shun them or
pick atime to embarrass them in return.
With my fellow men, | was free to boo-
gie. It was a great fei

Those moments turned out to be in-
structive. I didn't go to another coed
swim party until my body filled out. You
can bet on that. My New York escapade
taught me that young people born into
relative affluence have no idea what it's
like to be raised in difficult surround-
ings and are contemptuous of the habits
and instincts of those who come from
the wrong side of the tracks. The Big E
taught me a great deal.

If something happens to you today
and you feel that familiar crimson tide of
shame flow over your face and neck as
the Big E squats on your soul, just re-
member: Embarrassment is a 13-letter
word for something we all experience—
because only dead men don't blush,

SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Cigar
Smoking Can Cause Cancers Of The Mouth m

And Throat, Even If You Do Not Inhale.

IT JUST DOESN'T GET ANY SWEETER THAN THIS.

WHW.SWISHER. COM

ит TERED

Е CIG
KING SISARS sy бу

W Divas on DVD) April 9!

| Divas 2002 Magaziñe оп newsstands April 3!

کے

Mercedes-Benz USA compores its new 6500 s
NERA y

derstoted strength Te

ley... Us personal

Swing Is King

Getting more distance off the tee comes down to efficiency. In the
golf swing, that meons hitting the ball in the middle of the club
face squared ta the target—something most omoteur golfers con-
nat do consistently. Colloway’s clubs, like the ERC II driver pic-
tured here with a computer-enhanced graphic, hove on enlorged
sweet spat, making it easier for ama-

teurs and pras alike to

achieve peok effi-
ciency. A ball
coming aff the
middle of the club
face will have 1.5
times the club-
head speed (a 100-
mph swing would pro-
duce o ball launch af 150
mph). But design can't do it

olane. Clubs fitted specificolly far a
golfer's swing increose his ability to hit the club foce squore at
impoct, and that's why pros won't step on the first tee without fit-
ted clubs. You can get PGA Tour-like treotment ot Callaway's
plont in Carlsbod, Californio—far free. A letter or call from a
Colloway retailer or golf club pro will get you on the waiting list,
but you hove ta pay your woy ta Carlsbod.

| 47

Dessert
Storm

Liqueurs look
ў great in your
j liquor cobinet, but
how often do you
hove an ofter-dinner
drink that isn't cognac or
single malt? Try a few of the
recipes Debbie Puente has in-
cluded in Elegantly Easy Liqueur
Desserts and Creme Brülée, and
you'll be restocking soon. Jf
Puente's recipe for cherries ju-
bilee (pictured here) doesn't
wow the pants off whoever
you're entertaining, nothing
will. It calls for cherries, sugar,
cornstarch, olmond extroct,
vanilla ice cream, red wine
and cherry brandy. Preparation
time is just 10 minutes. Other
K interesting desserts include o
< morgorito mousse (“It tastes just
like c margarita cocktail’), frozen
E sex-on-the-beach soufflé and Jock
ve Daniel's chocolate pecan pie. There's also o
guide to liqueurs and other spirits with Puente's
recommendations for what to stock and
whot to skip. A gin mortini sorbet
sounds good, but the vote is still out
on Aunt Pittypal's pecan pound cake
with o Gone-With-Ihe-Wind glaze.
Renoissonce Books is the publisher.
Elegantly Easy costs $16.95,

Night Moves: Charleston

Charleston's charming cobblestone streets and ontebellum
mansions may seem frozen in time, but the city keeps evolv-
ing with first-rate dining and entertoinment choices. Start
your evening with cocktoils at the Library ot Vendue (23 Ven-
due Range}, rooftop bar overlooking the harbor in the his-
toric district. Then heod over to Cypress
Lowcountry Grille (167 Eost Boy St.)
for delicious Corolina fore. (Try the
truffled grits with lobster, shrimp
and scallops and the crab cokes
with sherried crob-roe cream.)
Drop by High Cotton (199 East
Boy St.) if you're in the mood

to dine in a Twenties setting,

or Chorleston Grill (224 King
St.) in the Chorleston Place Ho-
tel. Chef Bob Waggoner's inven-
tive cuisine includes lobster tempu-
ro ond beef tournedos. Circa 1BB6 (149

Wentworth St.), o short cob ride owoy, is in the carriage house
of the fabulous Wentworth Monsion. The best of Chorleston's
bustling live music scene includes Music Farm (32 Ann St.) for
contemporary sounds, Henry's Bar ond Restaurant (54 North
Morket St.) for oll kinds of live music, including jazz, ond
Mitchell's (102 North Market St.) for jazz or salsa. Cap the
evening with whiskey and o cigar ot Club Habano (177 Meet-
ing St.), which offers the lorgest selection of single-malt
scotches and small-botch bourbons in town

Clothesiine:
Khalil Kain

The star of Juice, The
Tiger Woods Story and
Bones soys he’s big on
anything you con wear on
a bosketboll court. “Fish-
bone is one of my fa-
vorite rock groups, and I
have this old T-shirt of
theirs thot I refuse to re-
fire. It's ton, ond the
sleeves are cut off. I
sometimes wear it with
ripped-up jeans with a
seat so worn out | have
had to get it patched.”
When Kain dresses up he
likes suits by Armani, ond
he olso says, “Miyake is
pretty out there.” For funky threads he shops at Union on La
Brea in Los Angeles, "and I can always find something at Bar.
neys. The whole point of fashion for men is getting spiffed up
to impress some beautiful girl. Fortunately, I'm in a situation
where | don't have to rely on that to get what | want.”

Guys Are Talking About

Fat Bastard. We're referring to the wine, not your
brother-in-law. Fat Bostard, which is British
slong for o full-bodied wine, is the right name
for this vintage 2000 chardonnay. Wine-
maker Thierry Boudinaud creates it from
grapes grown in the Languedoc Roussil-

lon region af France. Aging in cokbor- /
rels gives it a fuller flavor. Price: abaut

$10 a battle. ® Survival. Wont ta

know what to do the next time

you're in a shipwreck or a plane 4
сгозһ or lost їп the desert? Pull

out your copy of The Exireme Sur-
vival Almanac and read up. Pal-
adin Press’ guide to almost
every outdoor crisis imagin-
able. Bet Dick Cheney has a
copy. Price: $45. OF course,
the book's cover is weather
resistant. @ Power. Power
Tools: An Electrifying Cele-
bration and Grounded

Guide profiles over 200

tools with more than 400
photos and illustrations.

The publisher, Taunton

Press, claims the book is

“the next best thing to

owning every power

tool on the planet.”

The price: $40.

7stard
ONNAY

“Wary
WHITE wye
4 ba,

PLACE YOUR BETS WITH

A NAME YOU CAN TRUST
PlayboyRacingUSA.com

8 e >. 2

, &

* Covering Over 60 U.S. Tracks
e No special software

«Live Race Simulcasts

+ Secure wagering

e Real-time odds
e Real-time scratches
«Win, place, show wagers
«Exotic wagers
LOG ON:PlayboyRacingUSA.com
Y com OR CALL 1-800-696-1479 TO
Е menus SET UP YOUR ACCOUNT TODAY!

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

м:

02002 PLAYBOY. COM

“VIVE (eT

ler en vo Desde 1795.

Шре Playboy Advisor

On our fifth date 1 took my girlfriend to
dinner. During the meal I caught myself
quoting Mickey Rourke's character in
one of my favorite movies, 9% Weeks. My
girlfriend had never seen the movie and
didn't get the reference. After dinner, we
took a cab to the beach. As we fooled
around in the back, I found myself quot-
ing from the movie again. I meant no
harm and it felt good to role-play. Let-
ting her in on it would have made it feel
fake. My girlfriend is smart, beautiful
and in control of her life. I figured she
might be looking for something differ-
ent, and I was right. Once we hit the
beach, things got heavy. I started talking
filthy to her—mostly a mishmash of lines
from the film—and she began to strip.
We fucked like crazy. By the end of the
evening I must have recited half the
movie's dialogue. Yesterday she ordered
a copy of 9% Weeks on DVD. She says she
wants to watch it together on my birth-
day because I had mentioned how sexy
it was. Shit. Should I confess about the
lines I fed her? I don't want her to think
I'm a creep. How can I let her know 1
was playing out a fantasy? It was the hot-
test night of my life —D.]., Indianapo-
lis, Indiana

Your girlfriend will feel cheated when she
finds out. So we worked out a plan in which
you set your DVD player to French language
with Spanish subtitles, then insist the disc is
defective. However, some of the women in the
office pointed out that this would work only
if your girlfriend were a nitwit. Instead, they
suggested that you give her numerous hard-
core erotic experiences in which you talk
filthy in your own words. She'll still recog-
nize the dialogue when you sit down to watch
the film, but she'll be more forgiving if she
knows you can do it on your own. If she in-
sists on an explanation, tell her no one had
ever inspired you to talk dirty before, and
you fell back on the familiar:

Га like to purchase a digital camera but
am confused by all the talk of pixels
and resolution. Can the Advisor help?—
TW, Peoria, Illinois

A digital camera's resolution is just one of
many factors to consider when deciding what
to buy; others are its capacity, size and fea-
tures (see deresource.com for more help). If
you're judging a product by how large you
can print the photos and still have them look
sharp, you'll need at least two megapixels of
resolution for 4-by-6-inch prints, at least 3
Mps for 5-by-7s and at least 4 Мр» for 8-
by-10s. These are general guidelines; some 2
Mp cameras may produce great 5-by-7s, for
example. Resolution also can be expressed
this way: 640х480 (web photos); 1024x768
(sharp up to 3-by-5), 1280x960 (5
1600x1200 (8-by-10).

My workout partner and I have been
stopping by a "full-service" massage par-
lor on the way home from the gym.
From what I gather, the place is typical—
15 minutes in a sauna, a table shower
and a half-assed massage, followed by a
hand job. Are these parlors legal? My
friend says they are, and he cites the fact
that at least 10 have been operating in
the area for years, If they're illegal, why
haven't they been shut down?—H.T.,
Baltimore, Maryland

Because the cops have better things to do.
If massage parlors were legal, we'd have al-
ready published our list of the 25 best.

My wife is a vegetarian. She's worried
that she might be ingesting meat by-
products when she swallows my semen.
Can you put her mind at ease?—J.
"Toms River, New Jersey

For your sake, we'd better. Vegetarians
don't eal meat because of concerns for the
welfare of animals, or because they believe
it's healthier. Assure your wife that no living
thing suffered in the production of your se-
cept you, waiting for your next or-
gasm. Semen contains protein but no meat,
eggs or fish, and it's low-fat. Even vegans,
who are stricler about the rules, agree that
swallowing is not an issue. We found this at
eatueg.com: “Oral sex is vegan even though
it may involve putting flesh in your mouth,
as it shouldn't involve any cruelly or ex-
ploitation, and said flesh is eventually re-
turned to its owner.” By the way, many wom-
en report that vegetarians’ semen tastes
better: What are you eating?

Last weekend I went out with a friend
and his girlfriend. They've been togeth-

ILLUSTRATION EY ISTVAN BANYAI

er for five years. We had a lot to drink
and ended up back at my place at four
AM. I suggested they sleep over, and we
crawled into my bed. After a few min-

utes, my friend's girlfriend said, "I know
what you guys are hinting at, so let's do
it." The next thing I knew we were all
going at it. She and I hit it off, and I
think he noticed the sparks. He climbed
out of bed, sat in a chair and began to
sob. After a little fussing, she managed to
calm him down and they left. I have spo-
ken with her only once since that night,
and she assured me everything was cool.
Do I have a chance to get back into her
pants, and how should I go about it?—
J-M., New York, New York

Threesomes would be much simpler if they
didn't involve so many people. Your friend
had probably daydreamed about countless
threesomes, but none involved watching you
fuck his all-too-cager girlfriend. When the
fantasy hit the fan, he wasn’t prepared. You
can ask this woman to return alone, but
don’t be surprised if she declines, at least
for now. You were all drunk, she loves her
boyfriend, it was a misunderstanding, etc.
Chalk it up as one of life's little tragedies.

When my boyfriend and I were making
out, he wiped his finger on his dick and
got some pre-come on it. Then he fin-
gered me in the vagina, but he swears
the sperm had died. Can pre-come get
a girl pregnant in this situation?—R.T.,
Columbia, South Carolina

Yes. Bite off his finger the next time he
tries a stunt like that. The millions of.
on his finger probably had died, but w
it? You also should never have sex with a guy
who insists that he'll pull out. By the time he
makes his move, he's already released many
drops of come without feeling it. But you
might.

Is there such а thing as three-dimension-
al porn? If so, where can I buy it?—
G.H., Pueblo, Colorado

You don't need to buy it. Just open your
eyes during sex. Porn shot in 3D, like porn
that’s not shot in 3D, is mostly disappoint-
ing. You have a feu options. The 1992 3D.
video Princess Orgasma and the Magic Bed.
is still available. It comes with a pair of Pul-
frich glasses (one lens is darker than the oth-
er, and the image viewed through the darker
lens reaches the brain slightly later). Vidmax
3D sells 16 collections of sex scenes shot in
the mid-Nineties with alternate field stereog-
raphy (the two best are Bedroom Gries and
Boudoir Babes). To view the effect, slide one
of the $50 videos into your VCR, then plug a
pair of $125 shutter glasses into the player's
output jack. Phone 909-480-0287 for de-
tails. The first 3D porn on DVD and the

PLAYBOY

necessary hardware is available for about
$100 from ErotekDimensions.com (three
new releases are expected later this year).
Two dreadful hard-core films shot in the
mid-Seventies for anaglyphic (red-blue) lens-
es, The Lollipop Girls in Hard Candy and
Disco Dolls in Hot Skin, are popular on the
midnight movie circuit. Finally, if you hap-
pen to be in Riverside, California in July for
the National Stereoscopic Association con-
vention, Adult Video News editor and 3D
photographer Mark Kernes plans to present
his annual midnight show of eye-popping
hard-core shots taken on porn sets. Some im-
ages also appear as slide shows on the DVD
versions of Unreal and Chloe Cums First.
No glasses necessary—just stare hard.

Таш a married 29-year-old man who
thinks and talks about sex all the time.
I believe most people at work find me
funny and interesting, but one male co-
worker says my behavior is abnormal.
He bet me 50 bucks that I couldn't go a
week without talking about sex. Even af-
ter I took his money, he still says I'm ab-
normal. Don’t most men think about sex
constantly? I’m just open enough to say
what most guys only think. What can I
tell my co-worker to make him under-
stand that I’m normal? Is he repressed,
or jealous?—M.O., Madison, Wisconsin

Don’t worry about that guy; some people
aren't comfortable with discussions of sex
even while they're doing it. We have these
thoughts to share: (1) Be careful that your
“open discussion” doesn't bite you in the ass.
If a female colleague takes offense, seeks re-
venge or covets your job, it would be easy to
raise the specter of a hostile work environ-
ment. You don't have to be guilty—the accu-
sation would be damaging enough. (2) Can
you carry on a conversation about anything
else? Sex is interesting and often funny, but
a guy who talles and jokes only about sex is
neither. (3) Most of what a guy thinks is bet-
ter left unsaid.

What is the etiquette for using tooth-
picks? My wife says they are appropriate
only in private, but I've been to restau-
rants where the waiter brings them ona
plate—M.M., Tulsa, Oklahoma

He brings them assuming you are skilled
enough to use them without attracting atten-
tion. Most people aren't, which is why the
general rule since at least the 13th century
has been not to pick your teeth at the table.

M, wife opened a secret e-mail account
so she could write to a guy she knows
from work. I confronted her, but she
feels it's no big deal. She said she did it
only because this guy felt uncomfortable
sending messages to our home account,
where I might see them. Am I overreact-
ing?—J.M., Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Sounds fishy. How'd you find out about
it? We'd wait for more evidence before go-
ing ballistic. Maybe the guy has personal

52 problems and values your wife's advice but

doesn't want to broadcast his business. On
the other hand, maybe one of the problems is
his interest in a married co-worker

When 1 was in high school my family
and I visited my grandmother one Sun-
day afternoon. While everyone talked in
the living room, I fell asleep on the floor.
When I awoke I discovered I'd had a wet
dream. Are the mental images during a
wet dream so realistic that they alone
cause an orgasm, or does there have to
be physical stimulation as well? I hate to
think my poor grandmother was watch-
ing me hump the floor. Please ease my
mind.—R.G., Indianapolis, Indiana

Your grandmother? What about the rest of
your kin? Rest easy. If you had been acting
out your dream, someone would have woken
you, especially if the cat was in danger. We
reach climax more quickly during sleep than
when we're awake. What likely happencd is
that the muscle convulsions during climax
woke you. To the outsider it looked, at most,
like you were sleeping deeply and then jerked
yourself awake. You don't need physical
stimulation or even an erection to have a
wet dream. You also can reach orgasm with-
out ejaculating—you just might not realize
it without the sticky mess as evidence. That
same lack of physical evidence is one reason
wet dreams among women are underreport-
ed. Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found that
while men had sleep orgasms most often in
their teens, women had them most often in
their 405.

Is there such a thing as a natural-born
lover?—TS., Lufkin, Texas

No. Everyone fumbles at first, But some
people get a head start because they have
parents or a school that provides realistic
sex education, and they masturbate, which
teaches them how and where they like to be
touched before anyone else does the touching.
They also read and watch erotica for ideas,
never run out of lube, aren't afraid of fan-
tasies and understand that good levin’—tike
any skill—takes practice.

About 25 years ago I had a one-night
stand with a co-worker. At the time, I
had been married for about two years.
My colleague and I agreed to meet for
drinks during a conference, and she
took me back to her room, She had a
reputation for being an easy lay. She also
had one of those pussies that grabs you
while you fuck. Her boyfriend showed
up unannounced the next day, and we
didn't get together again. A couple of
months later, she left the company. I
hadn't thought much about her until a
year ago when the phone rang and a
male caller asked if I remembered hav-
ing an affair with the woman. | had for-
gotten her name, but he reminded me.
It could have been her boyfriend (now
husband?) or someone else; I wasn't sure.
My wife was in the room, so I pretended
I didn’t know what he was talking about.

He said he would have her call me. You
can imagine how I feel every time the
phone rings and my wife answers. What
should I do? I have friends in law en-
forcement who I'm sure could find the
woman for me. Should I attempt that, or
try to put this out of my mind?—A.A.,
San Clemente, California

Her pussy still has a grip. Here's our
guess at the origins of the call: The woman
shared stories of her sexual past with her
current boyfriend, and they decided to play
mind games with her ex-lovers. It was more
mischief than malice, with your discomfort
providing a few laughs, Hunting her down
is not a good idea—it sends the wrong signal
and emphasizes your vulnerability ("please
don't tell my wife”). You may never reveal the
truth, but don’t complicate the lie. Your situ-
ation illustrates one of the many downsides
of cheating—you gave a stranger power over
your marriage.

I saw a book called Naked Pictures of My
Ex-Girlfriends—some guy published a
collection of nude photos of his exes. If I
wanted to do that, how would I go about
i?—S.N., New York, New York

You'd have to date the same women. Actu-
ally, the book is an entertaining hoax—one
we wanted badly to believe. You'd need a
signed model release from each of your ex-
girlfriends to publish their photographs.
That seems plausible only if you've been dat-
ing Playmates.

My deodorant creates yellow st:
the armpits of my white dress shirts after
about a dozen wearings. My cleaner says
there's nothing he can do. Is there any
way to prevent this?—K.R., Los Angeles,
California

The stains aren't caused by deodorant but
by secretions from your apocrine glands,
which are found in your pits and near your
genitals and produce those funky phero-
mones designed to turn the ladies to mush.
The more stressed you are, the more secre-
tions. Although the secretions should de-
crease as you get older, your cleaner is
right—there's not much you can do to pre-
vent stains except to wear undershirts, throw
each shirt into the wash instead of the ham-
per or retire to a beach resort. One fashion
maven we saw on Howard Stern's TV show
demonstrated how she puts maxipads in the
armpits of her jackets to protect them. You
could try that, but don't get caught.

All reasonable questions—from fashion, food
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat-
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be
personally answered if the writer includes a
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre-
sented in these pages each month. Write the
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com.

HE PLAYBOY FORUM

the strange erotic vision of a

С artoon number опе: Osama
bin Laden wakes up in para-
dise to find himself surrounded by
72 of the ugliest skanks in all eternity.
An amused Allah says, “Why do you
think they're still virgins?”

Cartoon number two: Bin Laden
wakes up in paradise to find himself
surrounded by 72 of the most delec-
table nymphets in all eternity. With

an astonished look, he says
to Allah, “What do you
mean, they have to re-
main virgins?”
Screenplay: A mar-
tyr wakes up in par-
adise to find himself
surrounded by 72 of
the most delectable
virgins in all of eter-
nity. So many women,
so much time. Does he
rush through all 72 of
them? Does he have a
good time? After all,
what do virgins know
> about sex? For that mat-
ter, what does he know
about sex? In all probabili-
ty he is a virgin himself or,
at most, a veteran of a few
lap dances.
Following the events of
September 11, we were told
that Muslim suicide bomb-
ers believe their final ac-
tion will admit them to a
place where they will
be married to or ser-
viced by 72 houris—
virgins created by Al-
lah for the reward of the
righteous. These supposed gardens
of bliss are described in vivid detail
in the Koran and in commentaries
known as Hadith. At first glance it is a
more interesting heaven than that de-
scribed in Christian texts. The faith-
ful are depicted reclining on thrones,
served by youths who never grow old,
swallowing goblets of a pure drink
that will not give them hangovers
or a beer gut, eating succulent fruit,
listening to the play of water from
endless fountains and savoring the
beautiful, bashful, high-bosomed,
dark-eyed women who are as “fair as
corals and rubies," and as “chaste as
sheltered eggs.”

The number 72 does not
appear in the Koran, but
virgins abound, creatures
who come with Allah's
warranty that “no man
or jinn [spirit] has ever
touched them before.”

The precise nature of the houris is
atopic of debate among Islamic schol-
ars. Some argue that the paradise of
the Koran is not a place of wild aban-
don but of soft-focus innocence. Zi-
auddin Sardar told The Observer that
the virgins or “houris derive their
name from the eyes of gazelles. They
personify beauty and innocence;
these eyes have never cast their gaze
on sin.” As for conversation, “In the
gardens of paradise, the houris utter
only one word: peace.”

We're not going to quibble with any-
one's vision of the afterlife. Heaven
cannot be verified. In the past decade
dozens of Islamic men, many just teen-
agers, have turned themselves into hu-
man weapons. It's clear that these guys
had some strange notions about sex.
In his will, the apparent leader of the
September 11 attacks, Mohamed Atta,
insisted that no one see or touch his
genitals after his death. (For all his
meticulous planning, did he overlook
the effect that flying into a building
would have on his corpse?) The San
Francisco Chronicle related the story of a
young Palestinian suicide bomber in
Gaza who, preparing for martyrdom,
covered his penis with toilet
paper to protect and pre-
serve it for paradise.

Many cultures put
a feminine face on
war in order to moti-
vate their war-
riors, be it Helen
of Troy (the face
that launched a
thousand ships),
the Valkyries’ escort
of Viking warriors
to Valhalla, Vargas
women decorating
the planes of WWII
bomber pilots, or
the chaste Ameri-

can girls depicted on propaganda
posters as being threatened by the en-
emy. Our actions against the Taliban
quickly moved from retribution to a
campaign for the liberation of Af-
ghani women. Removing the veil was
a turn-on.

In an essay that appears in the
1982 book Women and Islam, Fatima
Mernissi addresses the Islamic obses-
sion with virginity, noting its use as a
weapon in an extended power play:
“Virginity is a matter between men, in
which women merely play the role of
silent intermediaries. The concepts of
honor and virginity locate the pres-
tige of a man between the legs of a
woman. It is not by subjugating na-
ture or by conquering mountains and
rivers that a man secures his status,
but by controlling the movements of
women related to him by blood or by
marriage, and by forbidding them
any contact with male strangers.”

How greatly do they value virgini-
ty? Consider so-called honor killings,
in which Islamic males have the right
to murder sisters and daughters sus-
pected of sexual misconduct. In the
old patriarchal religions, virgins were
serious business—as in property.

Lest you think this unfortunate sit-
uation is solely a claim of Islam, pick
up your Old Testament. The Bible is
filled with tales of virgins offered as
the spoils of war or as distractions,
such as when the host in Judges of-
fers his virgin daughter to appease a
crowd of ruffians. Lot did the same

in Sodom. To see more of America’s
warped notions on the value of vir-
ginity, one has only to read
an abstinence education

textbook.

When will sex be de-
livered from the dutch-
es of religion? When
will religion embrace

sexual equality instead
of some ancient notion
of male honor?

once again, the religious right targets gays in scouting

or years, fans of double en-

tendres had a chuckle over

the portrayal of Girl Scout life
on the back of the old peanut butter
patties box: “I just love water sports!
Our teachers are complete pros!
Jamila and I actually synchronized
our strokes. We did the whole length
of the pool on our backs. Girl Scout
camp is the greatest!”

Now, cheered by the success of the
Boy Scouts in ostracizing gay men,
the religious right has decided that
the possibility of lesbians in the Girl
Scouts isn't a joke—it's a national
emergency. In newsletters and action
alerts, fundamentalists have raised
the specter of sapphic indoctrination
among America’s preteens. They've
even organized cookie boycotts. It’s
all designed to pressure the Girl
Scouts of America to be more like
the Boy Scouts, whose famously
hard-won battle for the right to dis-
criminate against homosexual men
has made that organization heroic
in the Bible Belt and an embarrass-
ment to the rest of the country.

Other than the word scouts and a
fondness for 'smores, the GSA and
BSA don't have all that much in
common. The two groups have nev-
er been affiliated. The Girl Scouts
traditionally have been more social-
ly progressive. Founded in 1912 on
the principle that girls should have a
life outside the home, the GSA is de-
signed to help girls develop “strong
values, a social conscience and the
conviction of their own potential and
self-worth.”

To many on the far right, that sort
of talk smacks of feminism, which is
where lesbians hide out before they
pounce. Indeed, the assault on the
Girl Scouts is not limited to its alleged
status as a gay recruitment center.
“The Girl Scouts’ leaders hope to
make their youthful charges into the
shock troops of an ongoing feminist
revolution,” Kathryn Jean Lopez de-
cried in a National Review article that
fueled the current attacks. The Rev-
erend Donald Wildmon of the Amer-
ican Family Association, James Dob-
son of Focus on the Family and the
usual gang of zealots chastised the
GSA for its attitudes toward, among
other things, gun control, affirmative

By DANIEL RADOSH

action, abortion, environmentalism
and auto repair (the Girl Scouts of-
fer a badge for it; Lopez apparently
thinks it's unladylike).

Of special concern to the anti-Girl
Scouts movement is the organiza-
tion’s ruling in 1993 that beliefin the
Judeo-Christian God is not essential
to scouting, and that girls reciting the
official promise—which includes the
phrase “to serve God and my cou:
try"—may substitute Allah, “my faith’
or anything else that they feel com-
fortable with. In 1996 this caused
one troop leader to accuse the GSA
of condoning witchcraft.

But time and again, the prophets of
doom fall back on their most frightful
incantation: America’s lambs are be-
ing sacrificed to the lesbian agenda.
“Girl Scouts are not vigilant about
protecting girls from lesbianism, and
they don’t mind if it gets promot-
ed under their aegis,” asserts Rob-
ert Knight of the Culture and Family
Institute.

Why this panic? It’s not like there
have been rampant stories of Girl
Scouts leaders’ being kicked out of
the organization for eating Brownies.
A search of local newspaper archives
over the past 15 years turned up a
single troubling incident—a 19-year-
old Scout leader admitted to French-
kissing a 12-year-old Scout. But the
morality cops' fear isn't just shared
sleeping bags. It's the idea that Girl

Scouts might know that lesbians exist
at all. The horror stories they drum.
up include tangential issues, such as
a council in New Jersey that leases
space once a year to a camp for "chil-
dren of lesbian, gay, transgendered,
biracial, adoptive, single-parent and
other progressive families" and an-
other in St. Louis that permitted a 17-
year-old to earn a community service
award for her work with a gay teen
support group. (These decisions, like
many in the Girl Scouts, are made at
the local level.)

One particularly fertile source of
material for the homophobes is an
obscure, out-of-print book titled On
My Honor: Lesbians Reflect on Their
Scouting Experiences. In it, the Nation-

al Review's Lopez found chilling

accounts of "butch" counselors
who "wore men's clothes and had
slicked-back short hair," as well as
an offhand estimate by some Girl

Scouts staffers—frequently repeat-

ed among the right as if it had

scientific valuc—tbat one in three
paid Girl Scouts employees is a les-
bian. This figure is impossible to
confirm—or even tally in the first.
place (did they pass out a sur-
vey?)—and seems wildly improba-
ble. Meanwhile, GSA critics who have
latched on to the book rarely discuss
the sections in which women recount
experiences of homophobia within
the Girl Scouts. Nor do they mention
that the book's editor also published
a volume on lesbian nuns that led to
diatribes against the Catholic Churcb.

"Through all of this, the GSA has
stood by its official position, a kind of
"don't ask, don't tell" in kneesocks.
“The Girl Scouts organization does
not discriminate, but we do not en-
dorse any particular lifestyle and do
not recruit lesbians as a group. We
have firm standards relating to ap-
propriate conduct. We do not permit
sexual displays of any sort by our
members. We do not permit the ad-
vocacy or promotion of a personal
lifestyle or sexual orientation. These
are private matters for girls and their
families to address. Girl Scouts volun-
teers and staff must at all times serve
as appropriate role models for girls."

Finally, somebody who is actually
thinking of the girls.

a tour of some killer state sites

quj he cell is six feet by nine feet.
\! It has no windows. As you
— pace back and forth, every-
thing looks cold: splotchy concrete
walls and floor, a stainless steel sink,
metal commode and single cot.
Unlike the inmates who actually
live in these cages on death row, you
can escape with a click of the mouse.
That's because you're on a virtual
tour, courtesy of the Florida Depart-
ment of Corrections (dc.state.fl.us/
oth/deathrow). You cannot yet watch
an actual execution—the state be-
lieves that would be distasteful—but
the site has a list of every inmate the
state has killed,

By JOHN D. THOMAS

the gas chamber installed there in
1938 and an image from the "female
condemned exercise yard."

As you'd expect from a state that
claims never to have executed an in-
nocent person, officials at the Texas
Department of Criminal Justice put a
lot of sweat and pride into their death
row site at tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/death
row.htm. They list each of the 455
condemned men with a mug shot and
synopsis of the crime. Here we learn
that convicted murderer James Por-
ter "fatally assaulted an adult Hispan-

North Carolina, a state with 207
men and six women on death row,
could join the ranks of the best sites
simply by adding more photos. For
now, it provides only three poorly
lit images (doc.state.nc.us/dop/death
penalty), along with reams of facts
that schoolchildren will find helpful
for reports. The state breaks down
the list of executed inmates by de-
cade—a nice touch—and includes
a handy update of the latest action:
“executed,” “stay,” “commuted.” The
site also offers this glimpse into the
condemneds daily lives: “The day be-
gins on death row when correction

officers start the

photographs of
those still wait-
ing to die and
trivia such as
the youngest
(16 years) and
the oldest (72)
executed prison-
ers and the in-
mate who has

prison’s count
of inmates at
six in the morn-
ing. The death
row population
spends nearly
all their time in
either their cells
or the adjacent

been waiting the lon-
gest (Gary Alvord, since
April 1974).

Many of the 37 other
states with the death pen-
alty have posted similar
sites about their killer bu-
reaucracies, but few have
the depth and scope of
the Sunshine State's (even
Oklahoma, which this past
year executed more peo-
ple than any other state,
devotes only a single on-
line page to the topic). One exception
is California, which tells its visitors
the ingredients in the injection cock-
tail ("Five grams of sodium pento-
thal in 20 to 25 cc of diluent, 50 cc of
pancuronium bromide, 50 cc of po-
tassium chloride"—don't try this at
home), the number of condemned
prisoners who aren't dead yet (607)
and the first person to die after the
state switched in 1996 from gas to
lethal injection (William Bonin, con-
victed of killing 14 boys). The site, at
cdc.state.ca.us/issues/capital/capital.
htm, also has an extensive set of color
photos, including a shot of two hold-
ing cells at San Quentin, a peek inside

ic male offender with a rock inside
a pillowcase, a homemade knife and
his boots," and that Cathy Lynn Hen-
derson killed a three-month-old boy
in her care.

The Texas site also lets you mark
your calendar with the dates of the
state’s upcoming killings or scan a list
of final meal requests dating back to
1982. Jeffery Tucker, put to death last
November, asked for half a dozen
pieces of fried chicken, potato salad,
macaroni and cheese, eight cinna-
mon rolls, a pint of vanilla ice cream,
a pitcher of milk and ketchup. Gerald
Mitchell, killed the month before,
wanted a single bag of Jolly Ranchers,
in assorted flavors.

dayroom. They

may stay in their day-

room from 7 A.M. until

11 em. While in the day-

room, they may view

television. Death row in-

mates have at least one

hour per day for exer-

cise and showers. Cor-

rection officers escort

the death row inmates in

groups from each cell

block wing to outdoor ex-

ercise areas, weather per-

mitting, two days a week.

The inmates can play basketball, walk

or jog."

À gallery posted by the state of Ar-

kansas (state.ar.us/doc/gallery2.html)

includes photos of the prison system's

first tractor and a 1969 Cummins Pris-

on show by Johnny Cash, along with

a sequence of images tracing the in-

creasing efficiency of the state in kill-

ing prisoners (from gallows to Old

Sparky to lethal injection). The high-

light is a color photograph of the

"Tucker Telephone, which, the accom-

panying caption explains, was "used

to torture inmates." Helpfully, the

statement adds that the "practice end-
ed in the Seventies.”

FALWELL'S FOLLIES
In December you published
a transcript from The 700 Club
in which Jerry Falwell and Pat
Robertson blame the ACLU
and homosexuals for Septem-
ber 11, You called it “Assholes.”
I beg to differ. Unlike the re-
ligious right, assholes serve a
useful purpose.
Wilmer Allman
Freeport, Texas

COPS AT YOUR DOOR
In December a reader criti-
cized a statement by the Playboy
Advisor that you should never
let the police into your home
without a warrant, even if you
are innocent. In this case, the
reader accused the Advisor of
supporting child porn. How far
from reality can this guy be? In
this country, a person accused
of dealing in child pornography
is guilty until proven innocent,
and then he is still guilty. I
know from experience. I made
the error of pissing off a federal
informer. For reasons that will
never be clear, a case of mistak-
en identity led this slime to in-
quire by e-mail if 1 wanted to
buy illegal porn. My first mis-
take was to respond (my office
mates thought it would be a
goof), and my second was to
flamethe guy when he persisted. In re-
taliation, he told postal inspectors that
1 was a potential customer. A "sting"
followed. We're talking Keystone Kops
here, involving the wrong house, the
wrong computer and, obviously, no il-
legal material. Despite this, and despite
a standardized test that showed I have
no sexual interest in children, the fed-
eral prosecutor managed to get an
indictment. With my back against the
wall, 1 agreed to a plea. My family (my
wife and three-year-old daughter) and
1 were destroyed in many senses of the
word. I know from researching this
that I am not alone.
(Name withheld by request)
New York, New York

As a police officer, the last thing I
want is carte blanche to enter some-
one’s home without judicial process.
Imagine a country in which we are sub-
ject to random searches of our homes,
computers and cars without probable

FOR THE RECORD

NICE PACKAGE

“If there is ever a place where a

reasonable expectation of privacy
their clothing.”
—An ACLU spokesman, criticizing a new radiation

Hitchens later asserts that
the Bush administration's “new
emphasis on values” is “a tired
recycling of the election's pro-
paganda." Like the rest of the
Socialist elite, Hitchens does
not like values, especially when
they are associated with reli-
gion. His understanding of the
Constitution is gravely defi-
cient. The founding fathers
made it clear that they were es-
tablishing a nation in which
there would be freedom of re-
ligion, not freedom from reli-
gion. A small but telling com-
ment: Hitchens states that “like
Clinton, Bush goes to church
to see and be scen. This is not
a religious man.” Where's his
proof? An awful lot is riding on
that suspicion.

Hitchens attacks Attorney
General John Ashcroft in the
most oblique way by suggesting
that instead of starting the day
with a Bible study, he should
start it with a study of the Bill of
Rights. Cute, but wrong. When

imaging technology that may soon be used in U.S.
airports, The system allows security guards to see
the outline of a person's body. The ACLU says the
scanners reveal enough that a guard could tell
you the diameter of a woman's nipples or whether

the attorney general was in
nomination hearings, he made
it clear that he would enforce
the laws of this land as written,
even if he didn’t care for them

a man has been circumcised.

cause or exigent circumstances, simply
to appear tough on child abuse. It’s im-
portant to catch the bad guys, but not
at the expense of constitutional rights.
1 think most of my fellow officers would
agree. They're always welcome in my
home—for coffee, lunch or a friendly
visit. But if they're looking for evidence
of a crime, they'd better have a warrant.

Eric Francis

Beech Grove, Indiana

PRAYING IN THE OVAL OFFICE

Christopher Hitchens’ essay about
George W. Bush and his colleagues’
praying before their Cabinet meetings
(“Faith,” The Playboy Forum, January)
nauseated me.

Hitchens begins by stating that the
picture of Cabinet members with their
heads bowed “did not prove they were
actually praying.” He quips that they
might be thinking about rape. Clearly,
Hitchens is trying to harm the reputa-
tions of a number of fine people.

personally. I never doubted
him, because I knew that like
any genuinely religious man,
he would keep his word.

This is no time to be attacking our
nation's leaders. Would Hitchens have
made the same remarks about Winston
Churchill in 1939?

Michael Altield
Oakton, Virginia

I enjoy reading the Forum every
month because the views expressed in
your pages are so often diametrically
opposed to mine. After reading Chris-
topher Hitchens’ assault on the right,
I reflected on just how thankful I am
that after September 11, George W.
Bush, Colin Powell, Richard Cheney
and Donald Rumsfeld were calling the
shots. Can you imagine what would have
happened if Al Gore and Joe Lieber-
man were in office? They'd probably
invite the leaders of al Qaeda to sit
down for a cultural tolerance session,
with hand holding and incense burning.

Jim Kennedy
Indianapolis, Indiana

PLAYBOY AT WORK

Your readers may be interested in
hearing my story, both as an example of
a modern farce and as a cautionary note
to anyone who may find themselves in a
similar situation. Until last year, I was a
supervisor with Qwest Communications
(formerly U.S. West). I had been with
the company for nearly 30 years. In Au-
gust 1999, I went to lunch with nine

co-workers at a local Hooters. One of
these co-workers is the stepmother of
Kristi Cline, your September 1999 Cen-
terfold. Kristi came to the restaurant,
and most of my co-workers brought
their own copies of the magazine for
her to sign. Soon after this lunch, I
happened to be promoted toa manage-
ment position.

Then, in July 2000, [ had lunch with

Kristi’s stepmother and Kristi, who
gave me a signed copy of her PLAYBOY
issue as well as an autographed 2001
Playmate calendar. After lunch I re-
turned to the office and placed both
items in the bottom of a locked desk
drawer.

Both the magazine and calendar sat
there, untouched, for more than six
months. One morning in February of

erary Review awarded its ninth annual Bad Sex in Fic-

tion Award to the most “crude, tasteless and redun-
dant” description of erotic coupling in a novel, Here are
a few of the nominees, along with the winner:

“Thé wind thrust between her legs, its icy blast dis-
placed by solid warmth as he covered her like a dog. The
thing inside her jerked and threshed, a rising salmon,
plunging home to spawn. “Yes!” she shouted, relishing the
scarlet pain in her knees as he kept grinding them against
the barnacled surface of the groyne. She arched against
him, picking up his rhythm—an angry, breathless
rhythm—as he slammed and thrust against her, his bar-
barous nails clawing her bare back. The sea was joining
in: slavering towards her; panting, foaming, gathering
speed; one headstrong wave swelling up and up, sweep-
ing her to treacherous heights before crashing, pounding
down, There was a last frantic spasm, followed by a cry.
His voice or hers? She couldn't tell!” —Wendy Perriam,

Dreams, Demons and Desires
“She confiscated the zapper and
slid my hand be-
tween her thighs.
Tt was wet

| t's that time again. This past December, London's Lit-

once again,
the best

of the worst
in erotica

and warm down there, which was only to be expected,
but she might just as well have deposited my hand ona
pizza for all the effect it had. Т actually found myself won-
dering if T would be able to tell a pizza and my wife apart
by touch alone, and my uncertainty saddened me im-
measurably. She arched her body against mine, and I felt
her desire surge over me like a tidal wave. In a moment it.
would break on the reef of my incapacity. . . ."—Doris
Dorrie, Where Do We Go From Here?

“The night of Alfred’s 75th birthday had found Chip
alone at Tilton Ledge pursuing sexual congress with his
red chaise longue. He was kneeling at the feet of his
chaise and sniffing its plush minutely, inch by inch, in
hopes that some vaginal tang might sull be lingering
eight weeks after Melissa Paquette had lain here. He
worked his lips down into the chaise's buttoned navels
and kissed the lint and grit and crumbs and hairs that
had collected in them: None of the three spots where he
thought he smelled Melissa was unambiguously tangy,
but after exhaustive comparison he was able to seule on
the least questionable of the three spots, near a button
just south of the backrest, and give it his full nasal atten-
tion. He fingered other buttons with both hands, the cool
plush chafing his nether parts in a poor approximation of
Melissa's skin, until finally he achieved sufficient belief in
the smell’s reality—sufficient faith that he still possessed
some relic of Melissa—to consummate the act."—Jona-
than Franzen, The Corrections

And the winner:

“Her hand is moving away from my knee and
heading north. Heading unnervingly and witha
steely will towards the pole. And, like Sir Ran-
ulph Fiennes, Pamela will not easily be dis-
couraged. I try twitching, and then shaking
my leg, but to no avail. At last, disastrously,
I try squeezing her hand painfully between my bony
thighs, but this only serves to inflame her ardour the
more. Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles
languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the
north pole, I think in wonder and ter-
ror . .. she will surely want
to pitch her tent."—
Christopher Hart,

‘Rescue Me

last year, 1 noticed that my desk had
been broken into. The Playboy items
had been removed, along with nine
or so photos taken at an after-work
party. I reported the break-in to my
manager, who said he already knew
about it. He also told me that an un-
named co-worker had filed a sexu-
al harassment complaint against me,
based on the discovery of alleged por-
nographic material in my desk. I was
shocked, but he told me not to worry,
that it wasn't anything serious.

The human resources department
began an investigation. I thought the
charge was absurd and would quick-
ly be dismissed, so I admitted freely
to keeping the pLayBOY and calendar
locked in my desk. However, I denied
that either could be considered por-
nographic, and I reiterated the fact
that I had never looked at or shown
them to anyone. Qwest also claimed
that my collection of persona! photos
had been of “an intimate nature,”
when they were nothing out of the
ordinary. The most “intimate” of the
photos showed me hugging a female
co-worker.

About four wecks later, I was in-
formed that I had been found in vio-
lation of Qwest's sexual harassment

policy. It said that, as a manager, 1 am
responsible for establishing and pro-
moting a work environment free of
sexual harassment. I was told I could
either resign or be fired. That's not
much of a choice, especially after 29
years of service. I resigned under
duress in lieu of being fired. I also
hired an employment attorney, Rob-
ert Martinez, who helped me file an
age discrimination complaint against
Qwest with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission. I am 54
years old with a good work record,
and I'm convinced that younger
workers would not have been termi-
nated on such ridiculous charges. Ifa
PLAYBOY in a locked drawer is sexual
harassment, what does Qwest consid-
€r the many bra and panty ads visible
in daily newspapers that people read
at their desks?

"Thomas Mares

Albuquerque, New Mexico

We would like to hear your point of view.
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611,
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312-
951-2939, Please include a daytime phone
number and your city and state or province.

| wait |

2 | Here |
Before your next game of naked Twister, give Contraception: The Board Game
a spin. Created by a university health lecturer in the UK, the game is designed

to teach 13- to 16-year-olds about safer sex. Instead of a boot or a thimble, play-
ers move contraceptives around a board adorned with diagrams of the male |
and female reproductive organs. To advance, each teen must correctly answer
questions about pregnancy and STDs, practice slipping condoms on a plastic
dildo and learn about the services available at area sexual health clinics.

terrorizing the

bill of rights
By JAMES BOVARD

How do you finda needle ina
0 haystack?
A Set fire to the haystack.

© Following the Septem-
ber 11 attacks, Congress joined the
largest manhunt in history by passing
a 342-page bill called the Uniting and
Strengthening America by Providing
Appropriate Tools Required to Inter-
cept and Obstruct Terrorism Act. The
bill's acronym, USA PATRIOT, revealed
the depth of feeling, if not thought,
that had gone into the measure. In
support of the bill, House Judicia-
ry Committee chairman James Sen-
senbrenner declared, “The first civil
right of every American is to be free
of domestic terrorism.”

USA PATRIOT rewrote laws that had
been putin place to curb past govern-
ment abuses. It gave Attorney Gener-
al John Ashcroft powers that would
have been unthinkable a few months
before. Lawmakers claimed they were
bringing the Bill of Rights up to date,
allowing law enforcement to operate
efficiently in the age of the cell phone
and laptop.

Thanks to usa PATRIOT and the flur-
ry of executive orders that have fol-
lowed, our government now can
more easily conduct secret trials, lis-
ten to privileged conversations be-
tween prisoners and their counsel,
imprison people indefinitely on mi-
nor charges without even confirming
they are being held, eavesdrop on
any telephone that a suspect may use
(including those in public places such
as airports), sort through thousands
of private e-mails while promising not
to read “content” (a term left unde-
fined), conduct “sneak and peak”
scarches for physical evidence with-
out notifying the suspect at the time,
rummage through school records of
foreign students and appoint bank
clerks and employers as deputy coun-
terterrorists (with no training). The
CIA and other intelligence groups
have been allowed back into the do-
mestic arena. All manner of checks
and balances, of oversight, have been
tossed onto the bonfire.

In some cases, agencies seeking
wiretaps in criminal investigations no
longer need establish probable cause.
A month after Bush signed USA PATRI-
or, the administration went even fur-
ther. It proposed “fill-in-the-blank”

wiretaps on suspects when federal
agents do not know the person's
name. The Bush administration al-
so wanted to allow agents up to 72
hours after conducting an “emergen-
cy” wiretap or search to request ex
post facto permission from a judge
for the intrusion.

USA PATRIOT is a classic bait and
switch. Although its stated purpose is
to defeat domestic terrorism, the gov-
ernment's new power reaches far be-
yond box cutters. For starters, the law
defines domestic terrorism as activi-
ties involving "acts dangerous to hu-
man life" that, among other things,
may "appear to be intended to influ-
ence the policy of a government by
intimidation or coercion." Perhaps
the lawmakers saw only im-
ages of airliners flying in-
to skyscrapers, but the lan-
guage is broad enough to
encompass many less-ex-
treme activities. It may take
only a few scuffles at a ral-
ly to transform a protest
group into a terrorist entity.
The new thinking would
allow the government to
drop the hammer on envi-
ronmental extremists (even
those who are not spiking
trees), anti-trade fanatics
(even those who don't trash
Starbucks) and anti-abor-
tion protesters (even those
who don't attack doctors).
Even if the violence at a
rally is initiated by a gov-
ernment agent provocateur—as hap-
pened at some Sixties antiwar pro-
tests—the feds could still reap the pow-
er to treat all of a group's members
as terrorists.

And it will not be necessary to have
participated in a rowdy street demon-
stration to be indicted under this act.
If you provide a demonstrator with a
place to sleep, you could be found
guilty of aiding and abetting terror-
ism. Likewise, if you donate to an or-
ganization that may in the future be
dassified as a terrorist entity—includ-
ing Greenpeace, the Gun Owners of
America and Operation Rescue—you
could face prison. Are such concerns
far-fetched? Unfortunately, no. The
Philadelphia Inquirer examined terror-
ism prosecutions from 1997 to 2001

(before the definition of terrorism
was expanded). Among the supposed
acts of terror were a tenant who im-
personated an FBI agent in a call to
his landlord protesting an eviction,
an airline passenger who got drunk
on a flight from China and demand-
ed more liquor in an unruly fashion
and a guy who asked his shrink for
medicine because voices were telling
him to kill George W.

Many of the bill's provisions are not
bound by definitions of terrorist. New
powers can be used against those
suspected of breaking a criminal law,
be it wearing the fur of an endan-
gered species or being less than truth-
ful то an IRS agent. As for the roving
wiretaps and e-mail surveillance, you

don't even have to be a suspect to
have your right of privacy sacrificed.

The idea that sacrificed civil rights
are the price we pay for security in
times of crisis is hardly new. Such
thinking seeks to justify the perpetual
detention of terrorist suspects and
the incarceration of those who criti-
cize homeland security or disagree
with Ashcroft's designation of certain
groups as terrorists. There are his-
torical precedents. President John
Adams used sedition laws to lock up
dissenting newspaper editors and the
occasional congressman. Abraham
Lincoln suspended habeas corpus
during the Civil War. World War 1
gave us the Espionage Act, which
made it illegal to “willfully utter,
print, write or publish any disloyal,

fane, scurrilous or abusive lan-
age about the form of government
of the United States.” And the list
goes on. How far will we go?

The Bill of Rights does not distin-
guish between citizens and immi-
grants; it protects individual rights,
not those of a privileged class. But
the Attorney General now needs on-
ly to certify that he has “reasonable
grounds to believe that the alien is
engaged in any activity that endan-
gers the national security” to detain
an alien. But, we were proud to learn,
those who are in custody still have
some rights. When the Justice Depart-
ment refused to disclose the names of
its detainees, Ashcroft explained that
the silence was necessary to protect
their privacy.

Speaking before Congress, Ashcroft
defended the secrecy of military tri-
bunals thusly: “Are we supposed to
read them their Miranda rights, hire
a flamboyant defense lawyer, bring
them back to the U. S. to create a new
cable network of Osama
TV or what have you, and
provide a worldwide plat-
form from which propa-
ganda can be developed?"
Well, yes. Better that than
taking them into a soccer
stadium and executing
them without a trial, with-
out evidence—or, worse,
with secret evidence. The
Bill of Rights was designed
to protect individuals (not
just citizens) from such
overzealousness—or is it
arrogance?

USA PATRIOT treats every
American as a potential sus-
pect, every federal agent
as an angel. It asks us to
ignore such dark episodes
as the surveillance of Martin Luther
King Jr., Cointelpro, the murder of
Black Panther Fred Hampton and
the Red files of the McCarthy era.
Ashcroft scoffs at criticism and says
simply, “Trust me.” But already, the
definition of the enemy has changed.
In the hearing before Congress, the
attorney general chastised potential
critics, saying, “To those who scare
peace-loving people with phantoms
of lost liberty, my message is this:
Your tactics only aid terrorists, for
they erode our national unity and di-
minish our resolve. They give am-
munition to America’s enemies and
pause to America’s friends.”

The Bush doctrine that “you're
with us or with the terrorists” has
come home.

N E W

ы Ж Оё

(Oh NT

what's happening in the sexual and social arenas

Lz li i

TORONTO—A radio producer with an
interest in pornography—he owned 500
books, 800 magazines, 2000 films and vid-
eos, 300 computer disks of online materi-

al and numerous studies and legal docu-
ments—donated the stash to the Univer-
sity of Toronto's Center of Criminology.
Last April, a professor there received a
$145,000 grant to catalog and research
the newly named Sexual Representation
Research Collection, but it has taken sever-
al months of bureaucratic wrangling for
work to begin. “It doesn’t surprise me,”
the producer said. "Whenever there's sex,
there's trouble.” The professor believes that
a century from now, researchers will find
that exploring the SRRC is “like going in-
to the ruins of Pompeii.”

DURANGO, COLORADO—Last fall an
English professor at Fort Lewis College
announced that she would be teaching a
course called the Poetics of Porn. Eighteen
seniors—11 women and seven men—
signed on to study the verbal and visual
language of pornography. Predictably, not
everyone embraced the idea, including
Scott McInnis, an alumnus who is now
the area's Republican in Congress. “I can
save them a lot of money and time,” he
said. “Pornography is bad for people. It
doesn't take an expert to figure that out.”
The professor, whose past courses have in-
cluded Queer and White Trash Po-
etics, responded: “The things people don't
want to deal with can tell us a lot about
how society views itself" A few days later,
administrators canceled the course.

PITTSBURGH—A University of Pitts-
burgh senior who hoped to win the election
for homecoming queen had a friend take a
photo of her topless and digitally place im-
ages of roses over her breasts. She hung
300 posters with the photo around cam-
pus. Soon after, the original, unaltered
snapshot began appearing at online porn
sites. The woman says she suspects her
friend released the photo intentionally but
that he’s denied it. Despite the publicity, she
lost the election. “I'm very popular on cam-
pus,” she said, “so I thought if anybody
could get elected this way, I could.”

LAS VEGAS—Two youth pastors bought
a booth at the annual Adult Video News
trade show to convert souls and promote
their new website at xxxchurch.com. The
ministers, based in Los Angeles, boasted
that they had the “No. 1 Christian porn
site,” which confused some passersby. The
site doesn’t have porn but instead allows
visitors to post prayers asking God to pro-
tect their “integrity and safety” online.

— АННА <<

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA—A 15-year-old boy
in the final stages of terminal cancer had a
dying wish: He wanted to lose his virgini-
ty. His parents are deeply religious and
would have disapproved, so he confided in
a nurse. She and her colleagues considered
ing their money to hire a prostitute, but
the ethical and legal issues concerned
them. Instead, a group of friends took the
boy on a clandestine field trip to a profes-
sional who fulfilled his fantasy. A psychol-
ogist said the teen told him the experience
was “everything he'd wished it to be.” The
boy died in December, a few weeks after the
psychologist wrote anonymously to a radio
gram to discuss the ethics of the situa-
tion. “People talk about a trip to Disney-
land being therapeutic,” he said. "What's
the difference? It was what he wanted.”

BLOW DOWN = —

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA—A city crossing
guard, frustrated because drivers wouldn't
slow down, wrapped a hair drier with elec-
trical tape and began aiming the fake ra-
dar gun at speeders. “It's al-
most comical,” he said. "People are slowing

down, raising their hands at me apologeti-
cally.” A city attorney said he couldn't find
any statute that prohibits pointing a hair
drier at a vehicle.

BANFF, ALBERTA—For his contribution
to an exhibit at the Banff Center, Mexican
artist Israel Mora ejaculated into glass
vials every day for a week, then stored the
samples in a white cooler. He titled the
work Level 7. The center hung the piece
between two trees with a label that read, in
part, “In memory of a family without a
memory. Warning: Contains six ml of se-
men extracted through masturbation, dis-
tributed among seven glass tubes.” The
center said the art caused no controversy
until the National Post ran an article with
the headline BANFF ARTS CENTER PAYS FOR
MEXICAN TO BOTTLE HIS FLUID.

BOULDER, COLORADO—A protestor
nicked an exhibit of 21 colorful ceramic
penises dangling from a clothesline at the
public library and replaced them with a
U.S. flag and a note that read, "El Dildo

Bandito was here.” The thief confessed
the next day, saying he was upset by the
library's decision not to hang a 10’x 15"
U.S. flag over its entrance following the
September 11 attacks. The man also said
he feared his five-year-old daughter might

see the “antimale” and “pornographic”
art. The penis piece, Hanging ‘Em Out to

i. had been displayed as part of an ex-
hibit called Art Triumphs Over Domestic
Violence. Police charged the man with mis-
demeanor criminal tampering.

JADE Menthol Filter Kings Box: 14 mg. “tar,” 1.0 mg.

nicotine; Menthol Lights Kings: 10 mg. “tar,” 0.8 mg. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
nicotine, av. per cigarette by FTC Method. By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal

Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.
WARNING: SMOKING IS ADDICTIVE. -—

П Ç PART > x
ONE PART RICH TOBACCO.

Y ы €—
~. . TWO PARTS IMPORTED MENTHOL. <

» if

E / í ч

—
A pan OF COOL TROPICAL BREEZE.

pr. 4
Premium menthol flavor. Uniquely fresh aftertaste.

To be eligible for special offers, call 1-866-321 NADE,
Or visit us al www.liggetigroup.com.

‘ONE OF THE 10 BEST FILMS
Ee OP TRE YEAR”

P
E

y
ug

nonination - best supporting actor

BEN KINGSLEY 2 42 4
GOLDEN GLOBE® 4 y

AVAILABLE ON DVD AND VIDEO MARCH 12.

нано нтк LENNOX LEWIS

a candid conversation with the gentleman champ about fighting mike tyson, the before-
and-after sex debate, getting knocked out and keeping his cool in a corrupt sport

The heavyweight champion is tall, buff
and handsome. He is smart and often funny.
(What other boxer accuses a foe of having a
bad hair day?) He may be one of the best
fighters ever. So why isn't Lennox Lewis the
most famous jock on earth?

Maybe it's the accent. We expect the heavy-
weight champ to be a badass—a hard case
with cruel intentions and lousy grammar,
vowing to “destruct and destroy” the other
guy. But Lewis isn't like that. The first
British heavyweight champ т a century is a
chess-playing, Bentley-driving gent who says
he “opes he acquils ‘imself well.” But Lewis’
claim to greatness is legit. At 65" and 242
pounds he is bigger and stronger than his
idol Muhammad Ali ever was. After earning
a gold medal at the 1988 Olympics, Lewis
has won 40 of 43 pro fights, with one con-
troversial draw and 31 knockouts. He has
ruled the heavyweight division off and on—
mostly on—for four years, and if the show-
down with Mike Tyson happens, Lewis might
finally be scen as one of his sport's greatest
champions.

Dempsey, Louis, Marciano, Ali—the names
of his predecessors echo down the ages. Even
their thug of a successor, the squeaky-voiced
convicted rapist Mike Tyson, seems larger
than life. Yet Lewis has never quite scored with
the public. This is a champ who can walk

“You win a championship and they give you
a bell covered with diamonds, rubies and
crystals. But they're fake. It's like the Olym-
pic gold medal—1 took my gold medal home
and scratched it and the gold came off.”

down the street leaving puzzled looks in his
wake: Who is that big dude with the dreads?

Now comes the night of his life—the last
chance for the 36-year-old Lewis to join Ali
and other immortals. Of course, that night
got off to a shaky start when Tyson charged
Lennox at their January press conference.
While it put the future of the fight in doubt,
it only heightened fan interest and under-
scored the differences between Lewis, the
gentleman giant, and Tyson, who has said he
wants to eat Lewis’ children and put a bullet
in Lewis’ brain.

“He sounds a bit unhinged,” says Lewis,
who has no kids and no plans to let Tyson get
near his head. The champ has a couple of
surprises for Tyson: a long-limbed defense to
keep the smaller challenger at bay, and a nu-
clear right hand that makes Lewis the most
dangerous nice guy on earth.

“This is my destiny,” he says about fight-
ing Tyson.

Lewis’ collision course with Tyson traces
back to London's rough-and-tumble East
End. His Jamaican-born mother, Violet,
worked in a factory. His father took off when
Lennox was little, and soon Violet took her
boy to Canada, where she found work mak-
ing Styrofoam. But money was tight, and
Lennox was shipped bach to London to live
wilh relatives. He was 10. Two long years

"I have a secret. I can't tell you right now,
but the world will know that night —I'll have
a surprise for Mike Tyson. The fight will last
as long as I allow it to last, and then 1 will
knock him out. It's my destiny."

later, reunited with his mother, the fast-grow-
ing Lewis turned his energies to sports. He
was a high school football and basketball
star, but boxing was his specialty. At 18, rep-
resenting Canada, he lost an Olympic bout
to Tyrell Biggs of the U.S. Four years later,
Lewis won gold at the Seoul Olympics. As a
young pro he made his name with a 1992
knockout of Razor Ruddock, then gained a
world title without throwing a punch: World
Boxing Council champ Riddick Bowe, want-
ing no part of Lewis, threw his champi-
onship belt into a trash can. Bowe's WBC
crown fell to Lewis, who became the first Brit-
ish heavyweight champ since 1897.

He defended his title three times. Then, be-
fore a hometown crowd at London's Wembley
Stadium in 1994, Lewis walked into Oliver
McCall's fist. He was quickly counted out,
suffering his first pro defeat. It would be
three years before he regained his title, stop-
ping McCall in a bizarre bout in which Mc-
Call broke down in tears and quit fighting.
Since then, Lewis’ reign has been interrupt-
ed twice. In 1999 he beat Evander Holyfield
but judges jobbed him, ruling the fight a draw.
Muhammad Ali called it “the biggest fix in
history.” All three boxing organizations or-
dered a rematch. That fall, in Lewis—Holy-
field 11, Lewis won a unanimous decision
and about $15 million. Then, after several

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE

“Rage lakes energy, and 1 want to keep my
energy focused. If a man hits me, PU think,
Good for you, that's a good shot. Now it’s up
lo me to hit you twice as hard. It’s not rage
that drives me, it’s competition.”

PLAYBOY

successful defenses, he walked into a Hasim
Rahman punch last year and lost his crown.
He flattened Rahman in their rematch, set-
ting up Lewis versus Tyson, the ultimate
heavyweight bout.

For all his skill and punching power, Lewis
is often called a boring boxer, too cautious to
electrify fight fans, Some say he's too cere-
bral. There have been rumors that he is gay.

Boring and gay—those are words nobody
uses to describe Tyson. Yet it's Lewis, not
Tyson, who holds the titles Tyson wants. We
sent sports pundil Kevin Cook to clinch with
the heavyweight champ. Cook reports:

“The first thing you note about Lewis is
his calmness. He is big—6'5" and sculpt-
ed, with fists that could level small cities—
but there's no menace to the man. He moves
smoothly, observing his
surroundings. He has a
slow, easy smile and a
soft voice, English-ac-
cented with a touch of

Jamaica. He is a good
listener. lt was only
when he jumped up to
demonstrate а jab or
uppercut that I remem-
bered who and what he
was: a man who could
kill me with one punch.

“We spent hours talk-
ing at his training camp
in the Poconos, and lat-
er at a hotel in Los An-
geles. At one point, to-
ward the end of our
talks, he startled the hell
out of me. While he
took a bathroom break
Í stood at the window,
looking outside. So I
didn't sce Lewis as he
slipped up behind me,
staying low and sneak-
ing like a ninja. Feeling
a tap on my elbow 1
turned—and saw a
playful punch coming
right at my eye.

“Gotcha!” said the
heavyweight champ,
grinning like a hid.”

rra

2000 Escort Inc

PLAYBOY: What happened in your first
fight with Hasim Rahman?

Lewis: He got lucky. I was beating him,
but then I made a mistake, and I paid
for it. 1 didn't pay enough attention. He
hit me hard, and down I went.

PLAYBOY: Your critics say you have a glass
jaw. Did Rahman prove they were right?
LEWIS: That's hype! If he hit you that
hard, you'd have a glass jaw, too. That
was a hard punch. But it was a lucky
punch, as I proved in the rematch. You
saw him fall, didn't you?

PLAYBOY: You decked Rahman—and won
back your championship belt—with a fe-
rocious right hand. Was that the hardest
punch you've landed?

64 LEWIS: It was one of the hardest. It was

New design yetis eremo tele roumain
sensi, ткі o biting 200
‘mproerent onthe re perde Kar
bend od cota b V62.

my mouth-shutter punch. I aimed for
his mouth and shut it. You see, I was
very motivated to shut him up. Rah-
man had been mouthing off. He never
showed me the proper respect. I was de-
termined to shut him up, to make him
the Buster Douglas of the 21st century.
PLAYBOY: Tell us about your rumble with
Rahman on ESPN. We might call that
bout Lewis-Rahman One-and-a-Half.
You made a prefight appearance with
Rahman and ESPN's Gary Miller, and
suddenly you and Rahman were shov-
ing, punching and rolling on the floor.
Was that staged?

LEWIS: No. I was not planning to tussle
with him while I was wearing a suit. But.

Rahman instigated it.

Supercharged
Performance

Innovative
Features

Introducing The Pussport 8500

Every once in a while a new product comes along which redefines

the standard of true performance, The All-New Passport 8500 does
just that. This remarkable new detector from Escort utilizes a totally
new design, resulting in unprecedented range, new and improved
features, and a sophisticated new look Take a 30-day test drive. Call now,

Call Toll-Free

1-800-852-6258

> Department 400742

PLAYBOY: He called you gay.

Lewis: I ripped the chain off his neck and
showed it to him, and challenged him to
come get it, but he wouldn't. And off we
went to the floor-
PLAYBOY: Are you still pissed at Rahman?
LEWIS: Upset, I'd say. Yes, 1 am. There is
a code of conduct. I was the champion.
The champion deserves more respect
than he showed.

PLAYBOY. Now you're the champ again,
and he's a footnote.

LEWIS: Exactly.

PLAYBOY: What do you expect from Mike
‘Tyson?

Lewis: I expect a knockout. The fight will
last as long as I allow it to last, and then
1 will knock him out.

Plus shipping and handling
ОН residents add 5.5% sales tax

540 West Chester Road « West Chester OH 45069 = 03

PLAYBOY: What round?
LEWIS: [Grinning] The last round.
PLAYBOY: Do you have any surprises in
store for Tyson?
Lewis: I have a secret. Something new. 1
can't tell you right now, but the world
will know that night—I'll have a surprise
for Mike Tyson.
PLAYBOY: As we speak, its still winter. The
contracts aren't signed yet. Do you want
to fight Tyson?
LEWIS: It's my destiny. I am training,
working, planning for a fight on April 6.
PLAYBOY: You and Prince Naseem Ha-
med, the featherweight champ, train at a
Pennsylvania honeymoon resort where
some of the rooms have bathtubs shaped
like champagne glasses—
LEWIS: Prince Naseem
got one, but not me. I
can't take a bath in no
champagne glass.
PLAYBOY: Come clean
about your place in
history. Are you better
than Muhammad Ali?
lhavetoo much
respect for the broth-
er to put myself up
against him. My mom
and I used to watch
Ali on TV and I want-
ed to emulate him.
"That's what got me go-
ing in boxing.
PLAYBOY: You have
watched him. Surely
you wonder how you
ren would have matched
fh | up with him.
LEWIS: The sport has
evolved. Back then,
heavyweights were
61^, 62”, 210 or 215
pounds. I'm bigger.
I am a 65” ultimate
fighting machine. Ali
was a great boxer of
his era. This is a dif-
ferent era, the time of
Mike Tyson, Evander
Holyfield and Len-
nox Lewis. I reign su-
preme in this era. I
make my own footsteps.
PLAYBOY: Tyson's camp once paid you
$4 million in step-aside money—he did
not want to fight you. Do you think he's
ready now?
Lewis: While he and his people were
afraid of me I was learning my crafi, and
now I am better than him in every way.
I don't think he's up to the task of box-
ing me.
PLAYBOY: You're quite a bit taller than
Tyson is. Could that be a problem for
you? Boxing people talk about a height
disadvantage
Lewis: There's something to that, be-
cause it’s harder to punch down than
to punch up. Tyson punches with both
hands, and he can get more force from

PASSPORT
8500....$299"

SmartCord (Induded)

Back Guarantee.

his legs, punching up. But, then, I've
been fighting short guys all my life.
PLAYBOY: What if he jumps up and bites
you?

LEWIS: I do worry about his antics. This
is the biggest purse ever, the fight ev-
eryone wants to see. I will feel bad if he
does something stupid and it ends in a
disqualification.

PLAYBOY: Maybe you should wear head-
gear, like amateurs do.

LEWIS: Then he'd probably pull my hair.
PLAYBOY: Is Tyson nuts, or is it an act?
Does he rant like a crazy man because
it sells?

Lewis: Tyson is a train wreck waiting to
happen.

PLAYBOY: He says there will be no need
for a second Tyson-Lewis fight, because
you'll be dead.

Lewis; He has no couth. I think he's a bit
unhinged, and he has taken the coward's
way out
PLAYBOY: You mean biting and ending
up disqualified when he was losing to
Holyfield.

Lewis: Then he says he wants to eat my
kids. But I don't answer, because it's like
arguing with a madman.

PLAYBOY: You knew him when you were
both teenagers, didn't you?

LEWIS: He was actually smart when we
were amateurs. Back then I didn't see
the evil side. We talked a bit and I thought
he was cool.

PLAYBOY: You have said the Tyson fight
is your destiny. Would you fight him
alone—for nothing, if necessary—to
prove you can beat him?

LEWIS: No, because I will need a referee.
If Tyson is biting me and pulling my hair
and trying to break my arms, who knows
what could happen. But this is what
you need to hear: I will beat Tyson in a
fair fight.

PLAYBOY: People also want to hear about
the rumors that you're gay.

Lewis: Unbelievable!

PLAYBOY: Do the rumors annoy you?
LEWIS: I used to get upset. I mean, look
at Ricky Martin. There’s a rumor that
he's gay, but he won't say one way or the
other. Maybe he thinks people wouldn't
buy his records. I say if you're not gay,
say so! It's not that I'm against homosex-
uals. We all have to live on this planet to-
gether. It's just being truthful.

PLAYBOY: Many boxers abstain from sex
before they fight.

LEWIS: I am one of them. I abstain as long
as I'm in training camp. Seven weeks. I
can't even imagine my girlfriend being
there. Camp is serious, a place of disci-
pline. There's no fooling around once
I'm in camp.

PLAYBOY: Does the no-sex rule make you
stronger or just angrier?

Lewis: It gives you a little more quick-
ness, better reflexes. More of an edge.
You don't want to give up your energies

before you go to war.

PLAYBOY: This is according to the Lon-
don Daily Telegraph: “Lewis sometimes
stands in front of a mirror and gazes at
his naked body.”

Lewis: Well, I don't just stand and stare.
Not for long.

PLAYBOY: Here's a “tale of the tape” ques-
tion; When you're naked in front of the
mirror, are we talking championship
proportions?

LEWIS: [Laughing] Oh, we are, definitely.
Absolutely!

PLAYBOY: After a fight, do you hurry to
have sex?

LEWI о. I don't let it control me. I con-
trol it. It's a natural act; you should let it
happen naturally. Take it slowly or you'll
get weak and end up with a cold.
PLAYBOY: So how do you celebrate?
Lewis: After a fight I go out with friends,
and I can't wait to get my hands on a
glass of champagne. I used to be a Gris-
tal man, but now my brand is Taittinger.
It's cheaper. Why pay $600 for Cristal, a
status symbol, when Taittinger tastes bet-
ter and costs $300? They really turned
me off when they upped the price of
Cristal last New Year's Eve. I went into a
store in Miami and suddenly it was $800
a bottle.

PLAYBOY: That was shortly after you beat
David Tua. How much did you earn that
night?

LEWIS: Seven million. But this is ethics. I

als
DATE

SATURDAY NIGHT DINNER
ENDED WITH
SUNDAY BREAKFAST.

WAS IT JUST FOR MEN:

Shampoos away gray hair in 5 easy minutes.

Enriches hair with vitamins.

Brings back a thicker, healthier, natural look.

Rejuvenates hair.

Who knows...just might rejuvenate
your social life.

MORE THAN A HAIRCOLOR.

IT’S THE REJUVENATOR.

Learn more at
www.justformen.com

PLAYBOY

Be the center of attention.Y

Rhinestone Navel Ring
Silver-plated charm filled
with clear Swarovski crystal
rhinestones and a red
Swarovski crystal rhinestone
eye. 14-gauge surgical steel
Gitt-boxed. Imported.
PE7356 $36

To order by mail, please send check or
‘money order to:

PLAYBOY

РО. Box 809

Source Code 02325

Каса, Ilinois 60143-0809

9987.05 ping andhanding charge per
ts edd 675% sales
TS accepte)

Source Code 02325

800-423-9494

or
www.playboystore.com
Most major credit cards accepted.

== EE zz 99

The

SEC sizzles

z inthis incredible
] | S collection or

www, College Girls!

PCFTO203 $6.99

ORDER ONLINE
www.playboystore.com,
ORDER TOLL-FREE
200-423-9494 Most major
credit cards accepted.
Source Code 02325.
ORDER BY MAIL Include
Credit card account number
and expiration date or
‘send check or money order
10 Playboy, PO. Box 809,
Source Code 02326, lascar
Капетанот | mois 60143-0809. Add

2 $3.50 shipping and han-
dling charge per total order.
Illinois residents include
675% sales lax, Canadian
orders accepted. (Please
visit our website fer other
foreign orders.)

Y.com

won't pay an unfair price. It's funny how
you can make $7 million, $20 million,
$30 million, but you don't get to keep it
all, and you always worry about money
PLAYBOY: What else do you find funny
about boxing?

LEWIS: The championship belts. You win
a world championship and they give you
a belt covered with diamonds, rubies
and crystals. But they’re all fake. It’s like
the Olympic gold medal—1 took my
gold medal home and scratched it and
the gold came off. It's just gold-plated.
PLAYBOY: Your WBC and IBF champi-
onship belts—how much are they actual-
ly worth?

LEWIS: Maybe $60. I'm thinking, This is
what we dream about, fellas! This is what
we pay $400,000 in sanctioning tees to
fight for.

PLAYBOY: One funny ritual is the pre-
fight press conference. You're supposed
to act fierce, like you might attack the
other guy right then and there.

LEWIS: That can be humorous. Some
you can play with—like Michael
Grant, He was at a mental disadvantage
at our press conference. I had watched
his other press conferences —
PLAYBOY: You study your opponents’
press conferences?

Lewis: Yeah, and he was different at this
one. Upset. Worried. He let the hype af-
fect him. But I'm an old hand at that
stuff, so I just looked at him and said,
“My, my, Michael's a little upset today.”
He was upset, and I let him know that I
knew it.

PLAYBOY: What bothers you? Could an-
other fighter get under your skin?
LEWIS: Most of them don’t even try. They
let their managers or promoters talk for
them, and that’s just rhetoric. 1 want to
hear what the fighter has to say to me.
And if he says he’s going to knock me
out in a minute, ГИ look him in the eye,
man to man, and say, “Knock me out in
one minute? Please, talk some sense.”
PLAYBOY: You're thinking of Holyfield,
aren't you?

LEWIS: Holyfield! He knew I was going to
be the toughest opponent of his life, but
he said he'd knock me out in three
rounds, Preposterous!

PLAYBOY: But it worked. It made you mad.
LEWIS: It did, actually. But 1 made it work
for me. At the start of the fourth round
1 spoke to him. I said, "I'm still here.”
In the fifth round I said, “I'm still here.”
He got the message. Another thing that
bothers me about Holyfield—that Chris-
tian thing of his. It helps psych him up,
because he walks into the ring with God.
But is he right? Does God want him to
knock me out? It’s the same mistake Mi-
chael Grant made—1 watched Grant in
the changing room before our fight, and
he had a man in there praying for him:
“Oh please, God, please help Michzel to
beat Lennox Lewis.” But what sort of re-
ligion is that? These guys who think God
is in their corner have it wrong. They're

going against the balance of life—and
you saw the results when I boxed Grant
and Holyfield.

PLAYBOY: Doesn't your mother pray be-
fore your fights?

LEWIS: She prays for both fighters.
PLAYBOY: Is Holyfield a hypocrite?

LEWIS: Before our first fight he kept talk-
ing about God, but
he wasn't living up
to his talk. I told
him, "You're not
real."

PLAYBOY: You point-
ed out that Holy-
field has fathered
some children out
of wedlock.

LEWIS: And he got so
upset! 1 guess the
truth hurts.
PLAYBOY: You clearly
won your first fight
with Holyfield, but
the judges ruled it
a draw—the most
controversial draw
in recent history.
LEWIS: The whole
world knew I won.
Holyfield knew, too,
but he didn’t accept
it. He knows he'll
never beat me in |
the ring.

PLAYBOY: You beat
him in the rematch.
Finally you were the
undisputed heavy-
weight champ, but
not for long.

LEWIS: No. He went
into a courtroom
and he begged the
judge to take my
WBA belt away.
PLAYBOY: Holyfield
demanded a third
title fight with you.
When you refused,
he went to court
and won the right to
fight John Ruiz for
the WBA title. He
won that bout—and
the WBA belt—but
soon lost to Ruiz.
You kept the other
two major heayy-
weight belts, which
you lost in Lewis—
Rahman I and then
won back in Lewis-
Rahman Il. And today, while everyone
considers you the heavyweight champ,
Ruiz still holds the WBA title.

Lewis: Don King controls the WBA belt.
King's lawyer is president of the WBA,
so that's just politics to me. That's why I
say I'm the undisputed champion, be-
cause you can’t win the heavyweight title
in a courtroom. You have to win it in the

ring. Holyfield knew that, and he still
knows he can't beat me in the ring.
PLAYBOY: You and Holyfield battled for
24 rounds in your title fights. How well
do you know a man after all that?

LEWIS: I know him well, and he's the big-
gest cheat I know. He threw an elbow at
me. But it was more than that—it was

ing down to an animal level.
PLAYBOY: At least nobody doubts Tyson's
killer instinct. Some people say you lack
that instinct.
LEWIS: I love the sweet science of the
sport. It’s not me to run out and say, "I'm
gonna kill you!” At the amateur stage it's
not even about knockouts. You're trying
to achieve points.
It's only when you
turn professional
that you have to
think about knock-
outs, because that's
how you gain pop-
ularity and respect.
Killer instinct? I
have developed it.
It comes out when I
need it.
$ PLAYBOY: Could you.
kill a man?
LEWIS: Yeah, man, I
could. I don't think
that I will, though.
These are pretty
good boxers 1 fight.
They're athletes
who realize what
can happen, who
are prepared for
that kind of sacri-
fice but who have
worked at the sport.
| for years and have
learned to protect
themselves. Now, if
I hit somebody on
the street—which I
wouldn't do—that's
different. With the
power I generate,
he could definitely
be dead.
PLAYBOY: What is
your advice to a
regular guy who
wants to throw a
powerful punch?
LEWIS: Don't let
the punch stop at
your target. Punch
through the target.
PLAYBOY: Do you get
angry in the ring?
LEWIS: No, I'm too
| much of a profes-
sional for that.
Rage takes energy,
and I want to keep
my energy focused.
If a man hits me,

the blatant head butting that really both-
ered me. Now I see why Tyson bit his ear.
PLAYBOY: You mean that was OK?

LEWIS: No, no. It was the worst thing Гуе
ever seen in boxing. Head butting is one
thing—that's been done all through the
sport's history. You know you have to
watch out for the other guy's head. But
to bite off a man's ear? Tyson took box-

ГИ think, Good for
you, that's a good shot. That puts you
above me. Now it's up to me to hit you
twice as hard. It's not rage that drives
me, it's competition.

PLAYBOY: Do you study your opponents
on tape?

LEWIS: [Nodding] It helps me visualize the
fight to come. I get so deep into it I can't

see or hear anything else. It's like when I 67

PLAYBOY

was young—my mother would snap her
fingers while 1 was watching a movie,
snap her fingers and say, "Don't you
hear me?” But I was too focused to hear.
PLAYBOY: Watching tape before the Frans
Botha bout, you spotted something you
used against him.

LEWIS: I saw he had a rhythm to his fight-
ing. He would dance around —one, two,
three—and come back with a combina-
tion. Dance around and stop—boom,
boom, boom—combination. So when he
came to attack me and I saw him go into
that rhythm, I knew what was next. I
thought, He won't touch me. I'll knock
him out quicker than Tyson did. And
that’s what happened.

PLAYBOY: You floored Botha with a per-
fectly timed flurry of punches.

ab, right hand, then a left upper-
cut. Now I see him react, and I readjust.
I wait just an instant while he reacts,
while he moves into just the right spot,
and then boom! 1 throw the punch.
PLAYBOY: You nearly knocked Botha
through the ropes into the crowd.
Smiling] That would have been
spectacular. When I watch that fight on
tape I'm thinking, Oh man, one more
punch and he'd fly right out of there. A.
little more biomechanics behind that last
right hand. But it's all right. The people
got what they wanted, a knockout.

That was a good night. I love going
through a fight where a man doesn't
touch you. That takes skill to make all
that money and never get touched.
PLAYBOY: Why did it matter that you beat.
Botha faster than ‘Tyson did?

LEWIS: You can see I'm a perfectionist.
I'ma Virgo—it's in my sign. But all box-
ers make these comparisons. Our egos
make us do it. There are other reasons,
too. When I boxed David Tua, I knew
‘Tyson might be watching and thinking,
If Tua hurts Lennox with body shots, 1
can, too. So I couldn't let that happen.
PLAYBOY: Describe your style in the ring.
Lewis: I am a pugilist specialist. A boxer
and puncher. 1 fight everybody differ-
ently. With Holyfield, who is technically
gifted, I was a technician. With Michael
Grant 1 couldn't say, "Oh no, he's 66”
and he’s coming at me with the same
advantages I have!” Grants not a good
mover, so I used movement against him.
PLAYBOY: Last year some people picked
Grant—another huge, athletic boxer—
to beat you. He's a couple of inches taller
than you are. Never had such big men
squared off for the heavyweight crown,
LEWIS: But who's Grant? He just came
along the other day. I’ve been in this
game awhile—two Olympics, an exten-
sive amateur career. I've boxed Russians,
Germans and Cubans. He hasn't been
through what Гуе been through, so I'm
stronger mentally.

PLAYBOY: He's strong physically.

LEWIS: Yes, and you have to beware. Be-
fore that fight I said to myself, Nobody

68 my size can be better than me. But he

could've caught me with a lucky punch.
"There are miscellaneous things, Mur-
phy's Law things, that can hurt you.
PLAYBOY: Were you at all surprised when
Grant came rushing at you, trying to
knock you out right away?

LEWIS: He had no choice. His trainer
[Don Turner] was feeding him a line:
"Lennox is not that tough. He's got a
glass chin." Trying to psych him up. He
realizes Grant isn't technically gifted like
me. He can't outbox me, so what can he
do? Go in throwing punches, try to get
rid of me fast.

PLAYBOY: You finished Grant vith a sav-
age uppercut —

LEWIS: He had his head down, and I put
my hand on top of his head. Just to make
sure he didn't move. Then I went whoop!
The hardest punch I've landed yet, but
it could have been harder. I could have
made it more dramatic.

PLAYBOY: They'd have found his head in
the third row.

LEWIS: 1 didn't really set myself and dig
my knees into the punch. And he got his
left hand in the way of the uppercut, so it
didn't have full effect. It was less than 90
percent of maximum power—more like
60 percent.

PLAYBOY: Did you feel sorry for Grant?
LEWIS: He's still young. He can come
back. I will say that some trainers don't.
worry about the athlete—they're just out
to get their money. Realizing this is the
most money Grant is going to make his
entire career, why not accept the fight, so
the trainers and managers get their mon-
ey? They think maybe their guy will get
lucky. But he didn't.

PLAYBOY: Beside abstaining from sex, do
you have any prefight rituals?

LEWIS: I put on my right glove first. Start-
ing with the hand wrappings. I am go-
ing to war and these are my bandages
of protection. It’s always the right hand
first—the wraps and then the glove,
which goes on when the wrapping tape
is still wet, so it won't loosen.

PLAYBOY: What are you thinking immedi-
ately before a fight, while fireworks are
going off and you're headed for the ring?
Lewis: Visualizing. This is my last walk,
these are the last seconds before I go to
war. I'm seeing the fight playing out in
my head. With me winning, of course.
PLAYBOY: Do you hear the crowd?

LEWIS: I heard booing during the Tua
fight. But when I threw a combination,
they cheered. I realized they were boo-
ing Tua for not mounting an attack.
PLAYBOY: Between rounds you have 60
seconds to rest and to think. How long:
does that minute feel?

LEWIS: Long enough. I'll listen to Man-
ny—Emanuel Steward, my trainer. He
talks really fast, but 1 listen fast. 1 com-
prehend everything. In the Tua fight I
didn't say anything in the corner until
after the 11th round. One round to go,
and I said, "It ain't over," making sure 1
stayed focused until the end. Don't let

Murphy's Law get loose.
PLAYBOY: Arc you able to rest much in 60
scconds?
LEWIS: If you train your body. For me it
feels like a long time, because when I train
1 only rest 30 seconds between rounds.
PLAYBOY: Other boxers do that, don't they?
LEWIS: I don't know. But here I am giv-
ing away my guarded secrets. This has
to stop.
PLAYBOY: Some boxers are trash talkers.
Do you speak to the other guy while you
fight?
LEWIS: I don't, and if a man talks to me, it
motivates me to shut him up.
PLAYBOY: Who talks?
LEWIS: Ray Mercer spoke in a clinch. He
id, "You don't punch hard, You punch
like a baby." I came out of the clinch hit-
ting him and saying, “Oh, yeah? How do
you like that?" He didn't talk for the rest.
of the fight.
PLAYBOY: Are there other ways boxers
communicate?
LEWIS: I'll smile, to let a man know his
shots don't hurt me. Sometimes it's an
act. If he catches you, you can't let him
know you're hurüng. So you smile like,
"Shit, that's nothing."
PLAYBOY: In 1994 Oliver McCall knocked
you out. Until Rahman got you last year,
it was your only pro defeat. That one
had to hurt.
Lewis: Just like with Rahman, I helped
facilitate that punch. He was throwing it
just as I was moving forward, and, boy,
that made it hit me a lot harder.
PLAYBOY: How does it feel to take a full-
force heavyweight punch?
Lewis: Everything goes in slow motion.
Then you hit the canvas and it all wakes
up again—lights and sound and a refer-
ee in your face, going, “One two five
four!” You're trying to stand up. Things
are getting clearer, but now it’s, Hey,
what's up with my legs? I know I have
legs. The signal from your brain isn’t
getting to your legs.
PLAYBOY: After that loss you hired Manny
Steward, who had trained McCall. Had
Steward figured out how to beat you?
LEWIS: It's more like Manny won the lot-
tery that night. I ran into that punch.
PLAYBOY: People said you cried that night.
Lewis: Not true. I know there are girls
who think a true man should be able to
cry, but I don't play that. Maybe it's be-
cause I cried a lot as a kid.
PLAYBOY: What made you cry then?
LEWIS: Any little thing. I was a crybaby.
it stopped. I was 16, and I
fell off my bicycle and broke my arm. I
remember looking at the bone. It hurt,
but all I thought was, This is weird. I
have broken my arm. But I didn’t cry,
and have not cried since.
PLAYBOY: McCall can't make that claim.
In your bizarre rematch, you were ahead
when McCall quit fighting. He'd been
treated for drug and alcohol problems;
now he wept and ran out of the ring. Do
(continued on page 147)

LEADERS $ STAND APART
;BUT NOT ALONE

Follow your instincts and
yow' find premium tobacco
at a sensible price.

TASTE THE SPIRIT"

a last call from

the burning tower

sent abel on a

desperate quest

Lachen by [patter Nesey

was stuck at Norfolk International Airport for seven hours on
Il September 11. I had flown down there the night before to

give a Tuesday-morning talk to an important group of educa-
tors about the reading habits of teenagers in the inner city. I had
been working as a researcher, studying adolescent school behavior
and doing postdoc work at NYU for the past six years, but this was
the first time I had been called upon to discuss my findings.

The conference was canceled, of course. Thousands dead and the
world on the brink of war; no one seemed to care about much oth-
er than the television news reports.

Everybody was talking about the World Trade Center and the
number of bodies, about terrorists and the Middle East, as if the
Middle East had never existed before that day. Pictures of men and
women in traditional Arabic and Islamic dress appeared now and
then on the airport TV screens. The president spoke and everyone
listened closely, and afterward they discussed his innuendos and the
possible ramifications.

But mostly they talked about the dead and expressed shock that
terrorists could be so cunning and evil. People cried and held on to
one another. I saw the towers fall dozens of times on CNN.

“Terrible, terrible,” a woman sitting next to me said over and over.

1 finally had to move away from her.

Гуе lived in New York for 13 years, but I couldn't think of anyone
I knew who worked in the towers, or even near them. The specta-
cle was terrifying—the jet almost languidly gliding until it exploded

PAINTING BY KENT WILLIAMS.

PLAYBOY

into a fireball against the tower.

1 was upset about the death and dev-
astation, but I was also upset that the
conference had been canceled. This
was going to be my big chance. There
were people in attendance who might
have given me a good job in one of the
larger school systems, or maybe even
a tenure track at a university. I really
didn't see why one tragedy should stop
a whole nation from functioning.

“You look so sad,” a gray-haired wom-
an said to me. “Did you have someone
in the towers?”

“Мо,” I said. “I don't think I di
mean, I don't know of anyone. No.

I excused myself because I was
ashamed to admit I was worried about
a job I might have lost because of the
terrorist attack.

To get away from her pitying eyes I
went to the ticket counter, hoping
there might be a cleared flight going
near New York.

I stood in line behind a young wom-
an who wore a shark-gray business suit
with a short skirt and dark stockings.
She was weeping and kept touching
her heart and her head with delicate,
restless hands. I tried not to make eye
contact with her. Every time it seemed
as if she might turn in my direction I
glanced up at the departures board or
concentrated on the flight schedule in
my hand, pretending to be absorbed in
its numbers and lines.

“Excuse me,” she asked nonetheless.
“Excuse me, sir.”

“Me?”

“Is your cell phone working?” she
asked in a strained tone. “I keep trying
to call Kim, but I can’t get through on
mine,

She held the phone out in a helpless
gesture. I handed her my Nokia and
opened the timetable again. It afford-
ed me a kind of solace, the certainty of
flights scheduled to take off and land
with regularity. I yearned for a world
like that, a world where I could give my
talk and take my plane, get to my desti-
nation without delays and grief-strick-
en, slim-waisted girls.

“This damn phone doesn't work, ei-
ther,” she said, thrusting the sleek lit-
Це knob back into my hand. “Nothing
fucking works.”

I shrugged. "I'm sorry,” I said.

She started crying again, grabbing
my jacket. I put a hand on her shoul-
der and she seized me around the
waist. I felt uncomfortable, but didn't
know how to stave her off. Her need
was so great that I was paralyzed by it.

"It's your turn,” I said to her when
the ticket counter was free.

She went toward the woman stand-
ing there but didn't let go of me. She
pulled me along like I was an alumi-
num walker.

Lat

“My name is Lenora. My sister works
in the towers,” the young woman was
saying. “I can't call her and I have to
get back there. I have to look for her.
essa) bods An

The attendant began crying along
with Lenora. She was tall with yellow
hair. She had color in her face, whereas
Lenora was dark-haired and pale. The
attendant came out from behind her
post and folded the sad girl in her arms.
‘The embrace included me, at least the
arm that Lenora still held on to.

They cried together, and, for a mo-
ment, Í yelped and cried real tears. But
that was over as soon as it started. I
didn't have a sister named Kim in the
fallen towers.

“There won't be any flights, honey,”
the attendant said. “Every airport in
America is closed.”

1 didn't believe that. Nothing could
dose down America, I thought.

“If you want to get back you'll have
to drive or take the train,” the atten-
dant said.

“1 don't drive,” the young woman
said. “Kim is the one with the license.”

“1 could drive you," I said, surpris-
ing myself. “I could.”

We were able to get the last car in the
last lot we visited. It was a Jaguar con-
vertible for $300 a day, but we could re-
turn it in New York and Lenora told
me she'd pay half the expenses.

We took Highway 64 to I-95 and that
to the Jersey Turnpike. All the way, Le-
nora talked about her sister, listened to
the news, tried to call New York and
touched her heart and head.

“Kim is my big sister," she said. “She
always took care of me. When I decid-
ed to leave Oakland and come to New
York, my parents tried to stop me. But
Kim called them and said, 'Are you
crazy? There's more crime in the Bay
Area than there is in New York. And
anyway, I can look after her here. She'll
be safer with me than anywhere else."

“Do you think she’s OK?”

“Sure, 1 bet she is,” I said, “The way
it sounds, most people got out. And she
was in the south tower, right?”

“I think so. I'm not sure. I couldn't
visit her because of my job at Landers
and Landers. It’s a really good job.
Kim even said so. But I have to work a
lot and then I'm on the road.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Sounds like a really
good job.”

“What do you do, Abel?” she asked
me after four hours of driving.

“I study teenagers, their general hab-
its. Reading, sex, popular culture.”
ata university?”

1 have a research position.”

“Can't you drive faster?” she said.
“The cops won't stop us. Not tonight.
They have to protect the airports. How
could anybody do that? How could

they kill so many innocent people with-
out even knowing them?

“Could you put the top down?” she
asked then. “Please.”

“It'll be cold,” I argued. "With the
wind and all.”

“I need open space. I'll go crazy if I
don't get it.”

After a while the cold didn’t bother
me much. Lenora wrapped herself in a
sweater and mumbled about her sister.

1 wanted to ask her what floor her
sister worked on. But then I worried
that she might be on an upper level. I
couldn't bear it if Lenora got any more
upset.

We had to go up to the George
Washington Bridge because the tun-
nels were closed for fear of more at-
tacks. The wait at the bridge was long
because many of the cars were being
searched for weapons and bombs.

“Where you coming from?" a big cop
with a red nose asked me.

“Norfolk, Officer,” I said. “We were
stranded at the airport there.”

“Why do you have the top down?”
he asked.

“It was warmer down South,” I said
meaninglessly.

He didn’t argue and waved us on.

1 let Lenora off at 89th and Broad-
way. She left without saying goodbye
or leaving me a number. I was almost
home before realizing I couldn't call to
get her half of the expense—I didn't
even know her last name. I drove to
my neighborhood and parked on the
street. I figured that alternate-side
parking would be suspended, and it
was too late to hope that the car rental
office would be open.

From the fire escape of my apart-
ment on Sullivan I could see the great
wraithlike cloud of smoke in the gap
let by the towers. The cloud was illu-
minated by the lights of the rescue ef-
fort and in stark contrast to the black-
ness of the sky. There was an acrid
odor in the air, and people wandered
aimlessly down the street. I fell into
my bed fully dressed and was immedi-
ately asleep.

The next morning I watched the
news for three and a half hours. After
that I played music and watched the
Cartoon Network. I read a book by
Platonov called Happy Moscow that a
grad student named Nina Trivet had
loaned me. The rental company said
on the phone that they weren't taking
back cars that day; they said I could
bring the car in free of charge at the
end of the week. I knew then that
America had been deeply wounded.
When businesses throw away their prof-
its, you know that in their hearts they
feel the end is near.

(continued on page 112)

“Give the peasants a tax rebate and they behave like naughty little children.”

Grosso, Wendy Rosprim,

ег Christensen and Heother

. Above left: Heathers Chris-

en (left) and Phelps hit the beach.
e street-legal golf cart ore Wendy
ng poge: A girl

during a bikini

— م

SE А a
ani COREA. FIFA eom
HI COALS DANS n is

prize for longest spring break goes to South Padre Island, Texas, where the annual festivities start weeks before

parties anyplace else. That's because Canadian spring break kicks off in mid-February, and South Padre is

where the ice princesses go to thaw out. There is no better way to warm up than in round-the-clock bikini and

wet T-shirt contests. After spending the year expanding their minds, college girls are ready to blow your brain.

Most of the action is on the bay side of the island. There are seven miles of sand and legendary bayfront bars,
such as Tequila Frog's (voted having the best wet T-shirt contest in town), Louie's Back Yard and, at the north end, Parrot
Eyes. Bars auction off the right to douse T-shirt contestants—and the winners use fire hoses, not plant spritzers. Booze cruis-
es head out from many of the bars and hotels, too. Wanna-Wanna and Boomerang Billy's push the envelope on the gulf side,
where thunderous waves crash ashore. South Padre is every dorm-room fantasy come to life. These days, even the mousiest
girls peel off their clothes at the pop of a beer can—and the resulting rush is addictive. So, too, if we can believe our eyes,
are girl-on-girl action, public sex and threesomes. The whole point of spring break is, after all, to break some taboos

T; Y HERE ARE DOZENS of popular spring break party locales jostling for the titles of best, biggest and booziest. The
pep! pring ВЕ, J Б ББ

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RIC МООВЕ AND DAVID RAMS

Above: The cheers ot the contests pro-
duce a sexually charged rush of adren-
oline. Anything con happen. Here, Wen-
dy (left) and Tara share an intimate
moment backstage. Above middle: Our

gang greets the assembled throngs—in
thongs. Below them, two revelers break
out whipped cream and create a spring
break sundae. Above far right: The
Heothers, who also spent a lol of time
partying as a duo, forge a bond

Below: Tenby Turner os she
drops drawers—and jaws—
during her star turn onstage
Left: Getting down in front of
the crowd, Tenby and Tara do a
little dance, make o little love
Belaw left: Playmate Suzanne
Stokes, Miss February 2000,
gets up close and personal with
the audience. They like her,
they really like her.

into a hot tub. That's Heather Christensen (for lef),
20) Bottom left: Heathers at play again. Be Heat!

get bold

how to date the women of your dreams

ARTICLE BY COREY LEVITAN

She was so far out of my league, she was playing a different sport.
She was dining at the table next to mine, with long black hair, perky
breasts and the eyes of a jaguar. Souls have been bartered for less. | was
on a date with someone else. But even if | hadn’t been, my natural incli-
nation is to gawk and do nothing. Instead of seizing moments like this, | seize
during them. Besides, jaguar-eyes was sitting with a pack of three equally
gorgeous friends, kryptonite to even a Superman of pickups. My evening at the
restaurant was the work of my friend Roy Silverberg, who was dating a Chinese wom-
an and suggested we double with one of her co-workers. He’d checked out my date before-
hand. “Dude, she’s hot,” he assured me. A blind date is like a rubber in your wallet. It's
a good idea that never pays off. So | devised a code with Roy. If my date was as hot as he said,
we'd take the girls to a nice sushi place. Otherwise, Га suggest Lucky Cheng's. Even a bad
date can be salvaged by Lucky Cheng’s, a New York City theme restaurant where rude transvestites
warble show tunes while serving cheap Chinese food. It's so loud two people can go an entire dinner
without addressing each other. When Roy and | picked up our dates, a beautiful Asian girl opened the door to
greet us. | could not believe my luck. Then she walked over and kissed Roy. Right behind her was my date,
who looked like Star Trek's Mr. Sulu in a skirt. | didn't even have to say it. "Lucky Cheng's it is!” Roy announced. “Pm
sorry,” he whispered, laughing, as we walked to his car. “I guess | didn't get that close a look at her." At my recom-
mendation, he has since had Lasik surgery. Even the 13 sakes | downed could not make Mr. Sulu attractive. But they had an unin-
tended effect, as | discovered when the goddesses and their jaguar queen took the table next to ours. Regular Corey would have

ILLUSTRATION EY ISTVAN BANA)

PLAYBOY

said nothing. But I was now 13-sake
Corey. I began strategizing a hit under
Sulu's radar. (When you're on a date,
you can't just ask the stranger sitting
next to you what her sign is.) 1 grabbed
a matchbook and scribbled on the in-
side cover.

"Remember Titanic?” 1 wrote m
Leo, on your left. Meet me at the bar in
five minutes.” I discreetly asked our
waiter (Ethel Merman in a bustier and
garter belt) to deliver the note.

1 had somehow tapped into the part
of the male brain that works only when
it's too late to matter, It's the part that
tells you exactly what to say to the cop
while you're reading the ticket on the
drive home. Getting crocked was my
key to this vast tactical warehouse.

I flashed queen jaguar a look after
she read my message. She got up when
1 did, and her heels clicked behind me.
Was she RSVPing, or had coincidence
placed me directly in her path to the
ladies’ room? Was this actually hap-
pening, or was I about to sce my dead
grandmother at the end of a tunnel?

Once at the bar, I suavely swiveled to
face the moment of truth. “Hi,” [ said,
beaming and looking up four inches.
"I'm Corey."

“Monica,” she answered, offering a
finely manicured hand. She was 22
years old, 5'8" without heels, and mod-
eled for Elite. She had moved to the
Big Apple only six months before from
San Antonio. I could not have ordered
a more perfect girl from a catalog. And
don't think I haven't tried.

Me, I'm 35 years old, 5'6" and re-
mind people of David Spade without.
the fame or money. But the fact that
my head was level with her breasts
didn't freak me out. I was 13 sakes tall.
Besides, a lofty woman isa short man's
only shot at normal-size offspring. Af-
ter talking a bit, I found Monica to be
really nice. Actually, come to think of
it, she was a little selfish, spoiled and
bitchy. But she was a tall model who
didn't appear to think that sex with me
was out of the question. That's nice
enough for me.

"Come downstairs," I told her, grab-
bing her hand like DiCaprio vhisking
Kate Winslet to the third-class section.
"It's haunted down there."

The basement of Lucky Cheng's is an
old bathhouse from the 1800s. One of
the original tubs is still there, convert-
ed to an aquarium. Years ago, I read
about the resident ghosts, former pa-
trons who allegedly died while bathing.
Monica and 1 peeked into old bath-
rooms and tried opening locked doors.
Just because people are dead doesn't
mean they can't help a guy get laid.

“Yes, I've heard whispers late at
night,” said the bartender (Cher with a

potbelly and hairy arms). “I definitely
detect a presence here.”

Monica was excited. The occult was
her thing. 1 detected a presence in my
Levi's.

“There was a reason I was supposed
to meet you here,” Monica gushed.
“You're the first guy I've met who's
open to this type of stuff.”

What followed was a dam burst of
declarations about auras, chakras and
crystals. I smiled and nodded—what-
ever Monica believed in, so did I. The
loonier the girl, the more of a chance
she'd do me.

Because I was still 13-sake Corey, I
reached up and planted a kiss on Mon-
ica’s full red lips. Hard. She kissed
back. Was this my life, or had I fallen
asleep and woken up in Matt Damon's?

“Ah, straight love,” commented the
hostess (Buddy Hackett in silk panties
and a push-up bra).

For a few days, I stuck with the prem-

ise that it was the matchbook note that
got me in with Monica. Or perhaps it
was the haunted-mansion tour. So I be-
gan asking friends for their best pickup
gimmicks. Their suggestions included
card tricks, fake British accents and a
childhood candy dispenser.

"What's more innocent than Pez?"
said Hollywood movie producer Chris
Boehm. "You can choose different
heads and be any Looney Tunes or DC
Comics character, depending on your
mood. It's all about how you want to
project yourself in the form of Pez."

Obviously, these gimmicks were ri-
diculous. The reason they worked, I
realized, is the insane confidence re-
quired to pull them off. I had that con-
fidence during my entire first meeting
with Monica

“I'm on a bad blind date,” I told her.
“I need to go back upstairs. But give
me your number. Next time I'm in
New York, we're going out."

I left no room for her to say no or ask
for my number instead. I told her that
although I lived in LA, I return to my
hometown at least twice a month (only
my first in an intricate web of false-
hoods). In fact, I come back only for
July fourth and New Year's, and when-
ever a relative dies. But Mos would
probably find a boyfriend if 1 waited
longer than two weeks to act. And I
would cross the country naked on an
emu for a date with a girl half as hot
as she is.

She grabbed my cell phone and pro-
grammed in her number. The first
available storage slot was #37 (a relief,
since I appeared to have 36 friends).

Guys, if you think the secret to scor-
ing with the world's hottest women is
anything other than confidence, please

send me a portion of the money I'm
going to save you on sports cars, gym
memberships and Rogaine. A man can
go weeks without a shower and let the
hair from his nose grow into dread-
locks. As long as he is confident, beau-
tiful women will give him the green
light.

Like me, you may require alcohol to
reach your confidence zone. And that's
fine. But let me share some tips to re-
member once you're there, courtesy of
the babe magnets I know.

(1) Stay focused. No woman wants to
commit to a babe-gawker. If you're sur-
rounded by loads of women, pay exclu-
sive attention to the one you're most
interested in. Even if Pamela Anderson
bounces by, you must pretend to be less
interested in her than you were in your
junior high school lunch lady—the one
who spooned string beans onto your
plate.

"Think of yourself as a lion," says
Ross Kuflik, a New York chiropractor.
"You're after that one antelope in a
herd of 50. You have to focus on that
one. You're not going to let it get out
of your sight or be confused by all
the other antelope running across your
field of vision." Ross recalls one partic-
ular hunt. It was about five years ago
on Fire Island (the heterosexual part).
"I was at an outdoor bar during happy
hour,” he says. "I saw a girl sitting at
the bar, surrounded by hundreds of
people. Something about her face and
figure attracted me. From the moment
I walked into the place, I kept my eyes
on her eyes. I walked over—crossing
through all these people—and intro-
duced myself." Ross and the girl dated
for a few months. “The reason I know
that my approach worked is because
of what I found out later. One of the
friends she'd been with—someone I
hadn't even noticed—told her, “Wow,
when that guy came in, he didn't care
who else you were with. Nothing dis-
tracted him.' They considered that
very flattering.”

(2) Seize the moment. Two ships pass-
ing in the night will probably never see
each other again, even if one ship gets
the other's phone number. If the chem-
istry is there, push for a moment right
now. Have your first date and first kiss
the same night you meet.

My friend Jim, a Los Angeles soft-
ware designer, was in San Francisco re-
cently. He checked out of his hotel
room and walked into a Taco Bell to
grab a bite. Before he ordered he went
to use the bathroom. He knocked on
the door and a voice responded, "Some-
one's in here!"

"It turned out to be this incred-
ible girl,” Jim says. “I apologized for

(continued on page 159)

“So, do you think this Soprano guy will end up whacking his shrink or what?”

"НЕШЕ JOU EUER SEEN SHAKEN AND STIRRED?"

EVER ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE INTERNATIONAL FASHION VILLAIN FRANÇOIS FAUXPAS,
OUR AGENT STANDS TOUGH IN A SUMMER SPORTS JACKET, FLAT-FRONT TROUSERS AND
COTTON SHIRT, ALL BY ERMENEGILDO ZEGNA, ACCENTED NICELY WITH A TIE BY TOMMY

BAHAMA, A BELT BY THIERRY MUGLER AND A WATCH BY HAMILTON. BACKING HIM UP IS

NUMCHUCK NICK. HIS SHIRT, JACKET, BELT
AND PANTS ARE ALL BY THIERRY MUGLER.
HE’S WEARING SHOES BY GORDON RUSH. HIS
WATGH IS A ROLEX DAYTONA. SHORTLY AF-
TER, THINGS TURN BAD AS AN ANGRY JEN-
NIFER THROWS AGENT 57 INTO THE DRINK.
BLAME THE FIGHT ON JOLENE; Huso Boss IS

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SUIT, SHIRT AND TIE.

l
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY: THE GANG ASSEMBLES IN BLACK TIE TO PLOT WORLD¡DOMINATION.

NO MORE |WRINKLED SHIRTS! NO MORE RENT-A-TUX! ND MORE CRAZY SOW TIES! AND, FOR
NOW, THERE'S ND DOUBLE-BREASTED DOUBLE-CROSSING, EITHER] PROCEEDING FROM LEFT

TO| RIGHT, GADGET GUY SLAPS FIVE IN A CHARCDAL-STRIPE WOOL SUIT BY GIORGIO) AR-
МАМІ, THE PERFERT ALTERNATIVE TO TUXEDOS, His SHIRT AND: TIE ARE ARMAN, АО ON

K GOES DEEP IN AN ARMANI TUXEDO AND MATCHING BLACK

THE RECEIVING END, Мн. Nii
ARMANI SHIRT AND TIE. MEANWHILE, AGENT 57 [SAUCES IT UP WITH JENNIFER. He's
DRESSED IN A COMPLETE TUXEDO OUTFIT BY BRIGNI, SITTING, GREG LEANS BACK IN А
TUXEDO WITH LEATHER TRIM BY ново Boss. THE SHIRT AND TIE ARE BOSS, TOO. STAND-
ING.AT RIGHT IS EDDIE FURLONG (PECKER"), HIS TUX IS ARMANI, HIS SHIRT IS HUGO Boss,

WHERE AND HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 160.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVEN CUARNACCIA

Attention, RE

we have news for you. Most
guys, no matter how unfortu-
nate, can recall an occasion
when some woman told them
they were the best lover ever.
Women are sly that way.
Sure, you have tales of baby-
oiled Tri-Delts wriggling in
a hot tub in Cabo, garter—
belted secretaries being
wheelbarrowed over a con—
ference table or braless den-
tal hygienists getting a good
flossing themselves. They
don't count.

What we're talking about is
whether your Rodin hands
and your Coltrane tongue in-
duced unique bouts of shiver-
ing and areolar erectility.
There's only one way to tell,
and it's time to test your
knowledge. For that, we've
developed a quiz much like
the standardized tests you've
been taking all your life. It's
scientific—definitely not the
namby-pamby shit other
magazines play with. This
quiz will help you discov—
er your sexual sixth sense.
Sharpen your pencil. Set
your watch. Go.

(1) You're on a first date with Caroline, the cute brunette fram marketing. Incredibly,
things have gane well and she welcomed your initial, tentative goodbye kiss. Now
you're five minutes into a tongue tango, and goodbye feels like a hello. What's your
best strategy for turning your make-out sossion into a full-blown sex extravaganza?
(a) At first opportunity, you demonstrate your amazing fongue-sucking trick.

(b) With a great display of nervous excitement, you let your hands travel to her breasts
at five-minute intervals and persist in trying to cop a feel until she whispers "No" the
third time. You follow this strategy at all stations of the cross until you're bare-ass
naked and bouncing away, always sticking to the rule of three noes for each body part.
(c) At tho first sign of resistance to your next move, you back off, exchange numbers
and immediately plan date number two.

(d) After kissing for a while, you ask her if she wants to “make love.”

(2) When having a second-date dinner with tight-bodied personal trainer Dana, she
tells you a disaster story. Apparently, some yabbo tried to get some under-the-table
head between courses by snatching her glass of Rioja, pouring the wine onto his
crotch and sneering, “Lop it up, baby.” In response, you:

(a) ask, “Did you do it?”

(b) exclaim, “That’s horrible! What a pig!”

(c) make up a story about a wild woman you once knew who was forever trying to get
you to have sex with her in public but succeeded only in making you feel incredibly
uncomfortable.

(d) hold up your glass and jokingly threaten to spill wine on her lap.

(3) While fooling around drunkenly in the back of a cab with buxom blonde brides-
maid Brooke and burrowing hungrily into the ripe cleavage spilling out of her strap-
less gown, you suddenly have to puke. What to do?

PEO

| ne A
pair)

А
۰

8 ә = з с = э unr ш

(a) Ask the driver to stop the taxi-
cab, do your business where you can't be

seen and pick up where you left off.

(b) Stop the cab, do your business, apologize and bid her good night.

(4) Таза, that slim, twitchy sophomore redhead two doors down
the hall, gave your palm a naughty little stroking when you handed
her an Amstel at the Phi Psi party last weekend. Now, under the
pretense of studying, she’s curled up on your futon in a flimsy, fray-
ing long-sleeve T-shirt that barely reaches the southern border of
her ass—and she's teasing you into a neurosis. Drawing on your
knowledge of the typical college girl, what type of undergarment
are you most likely to find cradling her cleft notes?

(a) Girlie Calvin Klein briefs that go high up on the hips.

(b) An all-purpose thong.

(d) Full cotton coverage, and Muppet-potterned, to boot.

(5) Wielding your Nikon, you say, “Give me sexy.” Your girlfriend,
sitting on your couch, slides her skir up slowly to reveal her thigh-
highs. Wielding your Nikon (and a stiffy), you say, “Now give me
dirty.” Which of the following poses is she most likely to strike?
(0) A slightly more elevated skirt and a couple of blouse buttons
undone, but no more.

(b) Lying back on couch fully nude, legs spread, hand acting as

fig leaf.

(<) The stirrups-ond-speculum special.

(d) A scowl and, in the foreground, an uproised middle finger.

(6) Which of the following combinations of your mouth, your fin-
gets, their movement and their positioning is most likely to induce
guttural moaning in your woman?

(a) Tongue on navel, thumb in pussy, middle finger extended to
anus, other hand tickling behind the knee.

(b) Tongue deep inside pussy, thumb pressing on clit, fingers gently
brushing pubic hair, other hand massaging ass.

(c) Tongue wide, flat and rolling against clit, two fingers in easy
beckoning motion inside pussy, middle finger of other hand slowly
circling nipple, other fingers massaging breast.

(d) Tongue tensed and flicking maniacally at clit, three fingers
pumping vagina, middle finger circling anus rapidly and occasionally
slipping in, thumb and forefinger of other hand pinching nipple,
pinkie extended to tickle ear.

(7) She has marvelous cascades of curly black hair, a D-cup rack soft
as goose down, an extensively talented Jolie-esque mouth that be-
comes virginally tight when she blows you—but Maya simply won't
take it up the ass. Which of the following might she do to compensate?
(a) Threesome.

(b) Rim job.

(d) Let you and your boss eat sashimi off her.

(8) On your third date, having fucked your brains out for seven
hours straight (including two stints in her condo pool and one in
the shower with her roommate watching), Diane asks you how
many women you have slept with. The actual number is 16, which is
(continued on page 156; answers provided on page 158)

ES) ero in on this. Nissan's new 350Z may look like a
million dollars, but it costs thousands less than

2 a Porsche or Jaguar. That's right, for less than
(22% $30,000 you get a 280-horsepower V6 coupled to a
six-speed transmission, independent multiple suspension,
disc brakes and 18-inch alloy wheels. Did we mention the
car's slick design and rich interior? If all this sounds familiar,
it should. Years ago, ads for the Datsun 240Z boasted “the
looks of a Jaguar and the handling of a Porsche for the price
ofan MG.” Datsun delivered what it promised. But, over time,
Zs became ponderous and overly sophisticated. When the last
twin-turbocharged 300ZX ended the model’s run in 1996,
even enthusiasts agreed that Nissan had way overpriced its
$46,000 model. Journalists also made the case that Nissan’s

decline in new-car sales was correlated to the Z’s demise.
With nothing to offer except Toyota clones that lacked pizzazz
and personality, Nissan, some pundits predicted, might
declare bankruptcy. All that has changed. Nissan’s product
line is packed with hot sellers. So it makes sense for the
company to resurrect its legendary Z car and once again com-
pete with Jaguars and Porsches. (continued on page 161)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD IZUI

Inside, the 350Z's fascia is
a modern update of the
classic 2407. There are
three aluminum-ringed in-
struments: an 8000-rpm
tachometer, flanked by
a 160-mph speedometer
and a fuel-pan temper-
ature gauge. A trio of
supporting dials tops the
center of the dash, just
as in the original 240Z. |

The race-style aluminum-
accented steering wheel
complements the stub-

by, short-throw six-speed

shifter, which features a
shock-absorbing function

that makes shifting and

gear selection easier.

Deeply sculpted bucket

seats, a between-the-seats

fly-off hand brake and an |
exposed brace behind the |
seats make this а serious

sports car. The trunk will
accommodate a couple of

weekend bags.

vos...

WHERE AND HDW TD BUY DN PAGE 160.

as tony soprano’s hair-trigger kinsman,

michael imperioli helps hbo’s blockbuster bad guys

outgun the competition

LOOSE CANNON

e felt like he'd been shot. Standing on the sidewalk

near his apartment in lower Manhattan, six blocks

from the burning north tower of the World Trade Cen-

ter, Michael Imperioli thought he was a witness to a

gruesome accident. Then came a deep bass note as a

ball of fire shot out of the south tower, so close he could
feel the boom in his gut. “That's when I knew—we all
knew,” says Imperioli, who plays Christopher on The Sopra-
nos. “This was no accident. We were being attacked.”

He ran closer to the fires—to a grade school where kids
huddled inside—to fetch his 11-year-old daughter. They
hurried home, gathered up a few toys, a little money. Im-
perioli, with his wife, Victoria, daughter Isabella and her
two litde brothers, fled the neighborhood just ahead of a
40-foot tsunami of smoke that left windows white with dust,
ash, asbestos and aerosolized metal.

Suddenly the fourth season of The Sopranos didn't seem
so important.

During the next few days Imperioli worked with a med-
ical unit, helping search-and-rescue workers at ground ze-
ro. Firefighters clasped his hand: “Hey, it's Christopher!
Bada-bing!"

"That was awkward," he says, "being recognized and
thanked when I was just taking them some dry clothes."
One night he stood at the edge of the rubble, paying his re-
spects, staring for long minutes at the remains of the tow-
ers that appeared in The Sopranos' opening sequence. Then
he turned and walked uptown. For the living, the show
goes on.

After a couple days' delay, shooting resumed in Queens,
Manhattan and on Tony Soprano's New Jersey turf. James
Gandolfini roared and snorted animal noises—the star's
offscreen ritual—while Imperioli got ready by pacing like a
caged panther. Then cameras rolled on the new season of
TV's greatest soap opera, which hits
the home screen soon. "It's going to be
the best season yet. Seriously," says Im-
perioli. "It's strong stuff." That might

DI KENN COOK

mean another Emmy nomination for the 36-year-old Im-
perioli, who lost the 2001 trophy for outstanding support-
ing actor in a drama series to Bradiey Whitford of The West
Wing. Not that Imperioli gives a spit, as long as Sopranos
knocks off Wing for the heavy hardware. When The Practice
beat out Tony's crew for outstanding drama series in 1999,
Imperioli called the other show “awful. Mediocre. It's a
show about lawyers! How interesting can it be?” Imperioli
could get a piece of the outstanding writing action, too. He
wrote “From Where to Eternity,” a screwy, religion-tinged
episode that became a second-season classic, and he has two
new scripts coming up this year.

With his neighborhood almost cleared of debris and his
schedule packed—a film script in the works and commer-
cials to direct, including one featuring Gandolfini—things
are looking up for Imperioli, who was a survivor even be-
fore September 11.

Born on the first day of 1966, he grew up in hardscrabble
Mount Vernon, New York, just up the cratered street from
the Bronx. His parents were immigrants from Sicily, his fa-
ther a Bronx bus driver. Michael skipped college for acting
school and cofounded experimental theater troupes that
haunted ratty playhouses downtown. Gigging by night with
Lili Taylor and other young actors who would become in-
die-movie icons, Imperioli spent his days asa fry cook. “And
a bad one,” he says. "My eggs looked . . . deflated. Most of
the stuff I cooked was hard to identify as food.” His acting
went unrecognized, too, largely because Mr. Headstrong
Junior Pacino could be a pain to work with. He played
every role his way, even if it meant he was practically in his
own play—and one night he was. After getting confused
during David Mamet's The Woods, Imperioli began acting
the play's ending about an hour too soon. His leading lady
tried to signal a warning to him, but he waved her off. She's
totally lost, he thought. When he fi-
nally realized his error (the audience
stayed put after his finale), he did
whatanytrue (concluded on page 118)

ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID LEVINE

ellblock full of thugs in a padded ring? They

and one emerges a pro. By Michael Kaplan
w. 7 7

e calls himself the Black Rhino, and
5 E I'm not arguing. He's 6'2", 220, dark-
skinned, pure muscle. When his half-but-
toned shirt blows open in the Louisiana
breeze, I spot the head of a rhino tattooed on
his right pec. Clifford Etienne could kill me
with one fist, and he's got two. I've seen him
fight, and he throws punches with the feroc-
ity of a prison-yard brawler.

He’s not far from one. At the age of 18,
while hanging out with friends in Lafayette,
Louisiana, Etienne pulled a gun on a man
and demanded money. When the victim re-
sisted, Etienne shot him in the arm. Earlier
that summer he had taken two men at gun-
point to a soybean field, forced them to strip
and robbed them of $1000 and a gold watch.
A high school senior with Division | football
talent, Etienne couldn't explain his crimes
except to say he wanted to prove his tough-
ness. The judge gave him 40 years.

It was in prison that Etienne took up box-
ing. (He's featured in Simeon Soffer's docu-
mentary Fight to me Max, from which most
of the images on this page were taken, and
at far right defeating Lawrence Clay-Bey.)
Louisiana has a unique rehabilitation pro-
gram in which inmates square off in month-
ly officiated three-round fights. Some war-
dens open their doors to locals, who pay

three bucks for an evening filled with a
dozen or more Spartacus-style bouts. Eli-
enne became known for bruising torsos,
busting noses and handing out concussions.
He throws 100 punches per round, twice the
norm for a heavyweight but right in line with
how you fight in the pen. Lifers still talk
about the fact that Etienne twice soundly
heat the much-larger Stacey Frazier (distant
cousin of Joe's). “I'd step into the guys and
let ‘em have it," the Rhino says. “I figured I
would fight my way out of jail."

Paroled in 1998 after serving 10 years,
Etienne has since gone 22-1 as a pro, with
15 knockouts. His one defeat came in March
2001, when a punch to the ear threw off his
equilibrium and a weaker fighter knocked
him to the canvas seven times in eight
rounds. Following the loss, the Rhino began
training with Jack Mosley, father and train-
er of welterweight champ Shane Mosley.
He was scheduled to fight again in February
and has two bouts remaining on a three-
fight, $1 million deal with Showtime.

Louisiana's prisons are home to hundreds
of amateur boxers who dream of following
Etienne into the pros. The likelier scenario is
that they will die behind bars or be released
to frustration. They lack the discipline, char-
acter and/or (concluded on page 152)

“Why do I have the feeling you are trying to influence the outcome of
this audit, Miss Wilcox?”

whine about spilling a little beer on
their shirts. I don't understand them at
all. I love four-wheeling in a field with
lots of mud.

Heather is considering college but
admits she needs to get grounded first.
“I have no idea where ГИ be tonight,
let alone five years from now,” she con-
fesses. "Psychology interests me be-
cause I want to know what motivates
people. I had a boyfriend with a lot of
problems, and many of his character-
istics are the result of his dad's dying
at a young age. I need to understand
the patterns in people's behavior and
how past events influence them.” So
what kind of guy captures Heather's
attention? “There’s something about
tattoos and rock music, guys in bands,
she says. “I want someone who will
go to a concert with me and go crazy in
the mosh pit. I'm always going some-
where—spur-of-the-moment stuff. I'm
just not a stay-at-home kind of girl.
Heather's favorite outdoor activities
are skiing in the winter and kayaking
in the summer, and she shows no signs
of slowing down. “How Jim Morrison
lived is how I want to: for the day and
for the moment,” she says. all hap-
pens for a reason, so I'll take a chance.
Why not? That's my attitude.”

The Moulin Rouge fontasy theme of this
pictorial complements Heather's looks, but
don't compore this redhead to prim-and-
proper Nicole Kidman. “I didn't see the
movie,” Heather says. “I wanted to be pho-
togrophed with Harleys ond race cars.”

PLAYMATE DATA SHEET

NAME ‚Heather M Carolin _
pust: JH D чает. 22 ams 2O _
nern. UA" wom: AD los. —_
mmi pave: О Ё- 15 792- sreruprace: Hv oov
AMBITIONS : 1 mode 1

pe
mep 3 superficial people у

THE SEXIEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED IS: Tim Morrison.

MY FAVORITE anos: MEADODICO. y К om and Асс.

IN FIVE agde hope À am happy š —
SCA in ulna rev | do A

IF I HAD MORE TIME, I'D PURSUE:

I WISH I HAD: 9 fh etn газай 20-

IF I COULD CHANGE лчүтнтно:_]. would wat lung capacity,
^

^ Pa
last nou er portrait

m
cert pie! 745. old. YE

Kitty.

SEE MORE PHOTOS (PLUS VIDEO)

OF HEATHER AT CYBER PLAYBOY CON,

PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES

How is being in the military like a blow job?
‘The closer you get to discharge, the better
you feel.

A man standing in the back of a crowded ho-
tel clevator shouted out, “Ballroom, please.”

‘The woman in front of him turned around
and said, “Oops, I'm sorry. I didn’t realize I
was crowding you.”

Why did God give women nipples?
‘To make suckers out of men.

Mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have
Father's Day, but what day is dedicated to sin-
gle guys?

Palm Sunday.

A car salesman tried to influence a senator
by giving him a new automobile. The senator
declined, claiming that accepting such a gift
would be unethical. The salesman thought for
a moment, then offered to sell the senator a
car for $20. “It’s a deal,” the senator said. “ГИ
take two.”

A wife came home unexpectedly one day and
found her philandering husband in bed with
a midget. The wife screamed, “You promised
me two weeks ago you would never cheat on
me again.”

‘Trying his best to calm her down, the hus-
band said, “Take it easy, dear. Can't you see I'm
trying to taper off?”

Рилувох crassi: A husband was involved in a
terrible accident that cost him his manhood.
But his doctor reassured him that modern sci-
ence had made it possible for his penis to be re-
built. He had three choices—small for $3500,
medium for $6500 or large for $14,000. The

vanted a large, but the doctor suggested
iscuss it with his wife before making a final
decision. The doctor left the room and the
man called his wife to inform her of their op-
tions. The doctor returned and found the man
looking very sad. “Did you make a decision?”
the doctor asked.

"Yes," the man said. “She said she'd rather
remodel the kitchen.”

Bronne joke оғ THE MONTH: What did the
blonde shout after having multiple orgasms?
“Good work, team!”

What does the bride ofa Polish man get that’s
long and hard on her wedding night?
His last name.

sage, the men halted. The horseman who ap-
proached was the knight's servant. “Hey,” he
said. “You gave me the wrong key.”

Three men and a preuy woman were sharing
a train compartment. The woman noticed that
the men were staring at her, so she said, “If
each of you gentlemen gives me a dollar, I'll
show you my legs.”

‘The three of them complied and the woman
pulled her dress above her knees. “If each of
you gives me $10,” she said, “ГИ show you my
thighs.”

Each man paid her $10. She hiked her dress
higher. "If you each pay me $50," she contin-
ued, “I'll show you where I had my appendix
taken out."

"The men promptly paid her. She pointed
out the window. "See that?" she said. "That's
the hospital where I had the operation."

The man hadn't been feeling well, so he went
to a doctor to get a complete checkup. “I'm
afraid I have some bad news,” the doctor told
him. "You're dying, and you don't have much
ume left.”

“That's terrible,” the man said. “How long
have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor said.

“Ten, Doc?” the man asked. “Ten what? Ten
years? len months? Ten weeks?"

The doctor looked at his watch, shook his
head and said, “Nine, eight... .”

Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor,
traAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago,
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis-
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.

“I figure they're putting their lives on the line. This is the least we can do.”

PLAYBOY

112

PINKY conina fon pege 72)

‘Are you there, baby? I have to talk fast, honey.
There’s been an explosion or something.”

There were messages on my answer-
ing machine, but instead of retrieving
them I called my mother's number in
Atlanta —97 times before finally get-
ting through.

“Hey, Mama. It's me, Abel.”

“Thank God. Are you OK?

“Fine. How are Carter and Mary?"

“They're out buying groceries and
bottled water, Are you OK?"

“Yeah. Yeah, fine. I was stuck in Nor-
folk, but I rented a car and drove
home.”

“You should have come down here,”
she said. “They say New York is on
fire.”

“Just the WTC.”

“It’s terrible, terrible. How could
anyone do something like tha

“1 don't know, Mama. It’s really bad.
I guess it could have been worse,
though. It was early enough that not
everybody was in and the south tower
had already begun evacuating—"

"Terrible," my mother said. "Do you
have fresh water?”

“I should go," I said. “ГИ try to call
back tonight."

“Tm glad your stepfather didn't live
to see a day like this."

“Bye, Mama. ГИ call later when Car-
ter and Mary get back.”

I had 17 messages, most from ac-
quaintances in the city. Alan Cartier,
the director of the education program,
called (actually his secretary did) to tell
me the center would reopen Friday.
Nina Trivet wanted to know if I could
get together for coffee—to talk. My
friend Alex Sartell had volunteered for
the rescue operation and asked if I'd
go, too.

1 didn't hear all of the messages be-
cause of the eighth one. It was a man’s
voice with lots of noise in the back-
ground—people calling to one another
and something like static.

“Pinky? Pinky, are you there, baby? I
have to talk fast, honey. There's been
an explosion or something like that,
and there's fire and smoke rising
through the building. The exits arc
blocked and, oh God, Pinky. Whatever
else 1 ever did, I love you, baby. I'm
gonna try and make it down, but it
doesn't look good——"

I couldn't tell if he'd hung up the
phone or was cut off. I played the mes-
sage again. His voice was strained, but
he wasn't yelling or even desperate. 1
figured that he had to be in the north
tower because he didn't refer to the

first explosion.

1 replayed the message. The noise in
the background was probably the wind
coming through shattered windows.
The people I'd heard talking were ac-
tually shouting. They were dying, I
thought. I was afraid to hang up, wor-
ried that the message might be lost be-
cause of some aftereffect of the col-
lapsed towers. I found a pencil and
notepad and wrote down the message
word for word. I had to listen to it 11
times before I was sure it was right.

“The only name the man mentioned
was Pinky. He didn't say his own name
or where he was calling from. I didn't
know the company he worked for.
He'd probably misdialed. My message
was the one automatically provided by
the answering service—maybe Pinky
had the same one. If it were just one
digit off, there were 70 possible config-
urations, and some of those were im-
possible—like making the first digit a 1
or a 0. I called all of the valid numbers.
There were 48. Twenty-six people an-
swered. There was one fax machine,
four calls went unanswered, and the
rest were answering services or ma-
chines. I asked for Pinky at every num-
ber, but no one who answered even
knew anyone by that name. I left my
number on the answering machines,
saying I had an important message for
someone named Pinky.

I wrote down all the numbers in a
spiral binder with a turquoise cover.
Next to each number I scribbled a note
such as MACHINE ANSWERED, LEFT MES-
SAGE, OF DIDN'T KNOW PINKY OR ANYONE IN
wrc. It took more than two hours to
make the calls. Somewhere in the mid-
dle of that I wondered if the caller had
misdialed two or more numbers. How
many variations could there be? Every
number in the 212 area code.

I wondered if Kim had survived the
collapse, if Lenora was sitting with her
sister now, smiling or crying, planning
to move back to Oakland.

1 waited by the phone for the rest of
the day, the Cartoon Network playing
in the background. Every now and
then I'd turn to the news. Calls had
come in from the downed planes. The
Pentagon was still on fire. The jet in
Pennsylvania might have been taken
over by some of the passengers before
it crashed. Thousands were feared
dead but less than 100 bodies had been
recovered. Most of America was closed
for business.

At five the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Мг Garnett?”
asked

Yes?”

“You called Pinky,” she said

I realized that all the years of my life
my mind had been filled with nonsense
and chattering. | became conscious of
it because for the first time the back-
ground noise ceased. It was as if my en-
tire life had been leading toward that
moment, when I could pass a dying
man's words to someone he'd loved
and reached out to in the last minute of
his life.

“Yes, 1 did.”

“Well, um, she doesn't work here
anymore, but I would be happy to take
your order. You realize, of course, due
to the situation, we wouldn't be able to
make delivery until after the emergen-
cy has subsided.”

“What?”

“What kind of computer would you
be needing, Mr. Garnett?"

“Computer?”

“Yes,” she said. “You were calling
Computer Leasing Associates, weren't
you?"
^I wanted to talk to Pinky," I said.

“But we don't have a Pinky here, sir.
I'm calling you from my home. I
picked up your message off the office
machine- ^

I slammed the phone down so hard
that the plastic guard popped off the
receiver. The phone still worked, but
now the metallic insides were jabbing
against my ear. I had to tape the guard
back on.

I went to the market later that night
and bought bottled water and NyQuil.

The next morning 1 woke up a little
hungover from the cold medicine. I
had to take it four times during the
night in order to stay asleep. 1 kept.
waking up, thinking about the man
who'd called Pinky. 1 also wondered
about Lenora.

Later that day, I made my way down
to ground zero, as the news was calling
it. Policemen were standing guard near
the disaster. 1 don't know if they would
have let me in as a relief worker. I
didn't ask.

I stopped at a phone booth and
called the operator. After a long time,
someone answered.

“1 got a phone message yesterday
from a man who was in the north tow-
er, I think," I said. “I'd like to know if I
could trace it back to the phone that
made it.”

“Why?” she said, not unkindly, “The
tower's down now.”

“Bur it was a wrong number. I want
to find out who he was so that I can tell
his family what he said.”

(continued on page 144)

a woman's voice

/ /

pren __

114

he Office of Homeland Security

hos urged us all to be on height-

ened olert, but our president—
bless him—says to go about our lives ond
don't forget to hove fun. OK, we con do
thot. We've never been good ot hiding
behind thick walls, but we know how
to porty in the dark. Did you see those
Tora Bora caves? They were so dreory.
No style, no groce, no threesomes. Who
wants fo live like thot? Not us. Here’s
our ideo of o secure home thot rocks.

At the entrance ta our Bachelor Bunker (Т),
we poss through reinforced steel doors.
They keep out terrorists, junk mail and
crazed ex-girlfriends. Once inside, hang
your coats in our patented Lewinsky closet.
It scans for biological contaminants and
lipstick stains. For added security, you're
welcomed by an enthusiastic robatic dog
@-« great icebrecker with the ladies as.
long as you shut off the leg-humping pro-
gram. The kitchen (S) is Stocked with food,
but to arouse the maternal instincts af your
overnight quests, we've alsa thrawn in fos-
silized containers of Chinese takeout. The
nearby wet bar features effective Taliban
repellents—premium gins, vodkos, single
malts, patriotic saur mashes and burka-
shedding quantities of chardonnay. The liv-
ing room(4)is a haven of thoughtful tron-
quility. Notice the portrait of Dick “Bunker
Boy” Cheney, signed with a warm personal
message from his “undisclosed lacation.”
The computer is bookmarked with terror-
ism, biochemical and game sites. The DVD
library of the home theater includes every-
thing from Pation to Girls Gone Wild Goes
fo Kandahar. The woterfall-fed grotto @)is
continuelly purified ond, with its 5 percent
Astroglide content, provides a welcome
haven for biochemicol-free cavorting. Sec-
ond floor: The bathraom(®) includes a
medicine cabinet that actually contains
medicine (enough ciproflaxin, Zyvox, doxy-
eycline, amoxicillin and Zovirax to neutral-
ize any biological threat). The shower dou-
bles as a decontamination chamber à Ia
Silkwaad. It adjoins the master bedroom

, where the ceiling mirror serves os a
surveillance device. A computer records
your companion's biometric details. You
may forget her birthday, but never her bra
size. There's also a firemon's uniform in
the closet—an apt costume for patriotic
pole-sliding. For further bed play, there are
night-vision goggles and antibacterial baby
oil. A sea tank(8)and solarium (S) provide
all manner of sustenance. The roof (9) hos
a small patio and dining area and a two-
seat helicopter (її). In the basement (12),
we have the wine cellar with important vin-
toges of Bordeaux, Burgundy, port and
madeiro. The food lockers are stocked with
beef and game, faie gros ond coviar, and
freeze-dried meals secretly developed by
NASA in conjunctian with Alain Ducasse
Finally, o daor(í3)leads to a tunnel, should
your love life gel completely aut of contral.

ILLUSTRATION BY OANIEL TORRES

116

"There are some things money can’t buy. Fortunately, Pm not
one of them.”

PLAYBOY

118

IMPERIOLI 4, pore >

“Hey,” Imperioli says, “if you can’t handle a few
bruises, you're on the wrong show.”

New Yorker would do: He made up his
own ending to Mamet's play, and then
took a bow.

Imperioli's next stage role paid so
well that he thought he had made his
bones as an actor. But after less than
a week, he was fired. His major movie
debut was a bit part in Lean on Me. “1
had one line. It was, "Hey, I'm gonna
be a star’ But every time they turned
on the camera, I panicked. I mumbled
so much that they cut my line.” His
break came in 1990, when Martin Scor-
sese cast the 24-year-old Imperioli in
Goodfellas, а job that paid $1500 for two
days’ work. The kid had burned his last
omelette.

As Spider, the dim-bulb bartender,
Imperioli annoys Joe Pesci, who shoots
him in the foot. In his next scene Spi-
der pisses off Pesci again and dies in a
hail of bullets. “Goodfellas put me in the
hospital. I was holding a drinking glass
when I got shot and fell, and the glass
broke. It sliced open two of my fin-
gers,” says the actor, who has the scars
to prove it. "So now I've got fake blood
all over me, with real blood running
down my hand. I look up and see Scor-
sese and De Niro shaking their heads
like 78k, tsk, tsk, poor k

But the director and star had other
scenes to shoot. Imperioli was packed
off to the hospital by a production as-
sistant, who dumped him there and
went back to work. “Now the emer-
gency room doctors and nurses see all
this fake blood, and it's like code blue.
They're strapping me down, rolling
me away. I was yelling, "This is fake
blood. It's my hand that's hurt—my
hand!’ They thought I was delirious.”
When the ER doctors prepared to
clean his chest wounds and found wires
and blood packets instead, everybody
had a laugh. Everybody but Imperioli,
still leaking blood from his fingers, wav-
ing his hand at the doctors.

Cut from the lacerated kid to a sight
on the Goodfellas set that blew him away
as much as Pesci's bullets: De Niro
preparing for a scene. Imperioli was
mesmerized as he watched the star sit
at a table and settle himself in his chair
before slowly reaching for his silver-
ware. De Niro would turn a fork over
in his hand, feeling its heft, and put it
down again, moving it half an inch.
“Feeling out the space,” Imperioli calls
it. “Because his character lives in that
space. I couldn't stop watching it. This
isn't a man who comes to work and tries

to entertain everyone on the set. This is
not a man who dissipates his energy.”

Imperioli brought better focus to his
own work after Goodfellas. He won
roles in Jungle Fever, Malcolm X, Clockers
and Girl 6 from Spike Lee, who became
a friend and collaborator. There were
small but vivid turns in The Basketball
Diaries and Dead Presidents, and in Sum-
ner of Sam, which he co-wrote. And
four years ago, Imperioli read for a
part in the story of a middle-aged Mob
boss who starts to see a shrink. Yes,
he auditioned for Analyze This. But it
turned out that he couldn't be in the
De Niro-Billy Crystal comedy because
there was this new cable show-

“We all loved The Sopranos from the
start,” he says. “We had a great cast and
special writing, like Mario Puzo rewrit-
ten by John Cheever. We were sur-
prised that reviewers got the idea right
away—that this was classic gangster
stuff but with a nuanced view of subur-
ban life. And we were shocked that mil-
lions of people ate it up.”

Who could resist? The show was in
your face from the jump, with its scat-
ter-cuts of Manhattan's skyline reced-
ing as Tony pays his Jersey Turnpike
toll with a handful of blood money.
This was America through a wind-
shield, darkly. “A denigration of Amer-
ican culture,” Imperioli calls the saga
of a suburban dad who happens to be
an executive of Murder, Inc. Sopranos
creator David Chase, who fought off
HBO plan to name the series Family
Man, could have called it Killer Knows
Best, but this stuff is nastier, funnier
and closer to the truth than any sitcom.
Christopher, bemoaning the erosion of
the crime biz, dreams of scoring as a
Hollywood screenwriter—though he
can't spell. “Mob stories are always
hot,” he says, tapping away at a key-
board. Zoom in on his computer, which
reads | MUST BE LOYLE TO MY CAPO.

Imperioli's shifty-eyed, short-fused
Christopher makes a fine foil for Gan-
dolfini, who plays Tony with such sly
perfection you want to swear loylety to
him yourself. “Jimmy’s such a strong
actor,” Imperioli says. "When he gets
angry, you can feel it in the room—a
palpable, physical force.” So physical
that when Tony gets pissed, grabs Chris-
topher around the throat and shakes
him, Imperioli goes home with marks
on his neck. “But hey,” he says, “if you
can't handle a few bruises, you're on
the wrong show.”

Along with Edie Falco (Carmela),
Dominic Chianese (Uncle Junior) and
the others (including Steve Van Zandt,
a.k.a. Silvio, a.k.a. Lite Steven, whose
second-season duties included scoring
Bruce Springsteen tickets for the whole
gang), Imperioli has been pleased,
amused and enriched by the pop-cult
creature they've created. He suspects
David Chase may keep the series fresh
by putting it on ice after five seasons.
“Then we might make a movie togeth-
er, or come back to TV again after a
few years, like Absolutely Fabulous,” Im-
perioli says. Meanwhile, nothing Sopra-
nos surprises him. “I hear there might
be a line of Sopranos apparel.” If so, he
hopes it'll be realistic—maybe jogging
suits with extra pockets for weapons.

Ambition, talent, luck, stones—Im-
perioli’s rise called for all these, but just
as vital was learning to relax, take a
break, look around and occupy the
moment. A decade after watching De
Niro get acquainted with props, he
looks back on his prima donna youth
and says, “1 worried constantly: Am I
full of shit? Am I even an actor? I kept
getting fired, and I deserved it. But I
worked and watched and got better.
You work with people like Martin Scor-
sese, Spike Lee, Robert De Niro and
Jimmy Gandolfini and you keep your
eyes open, you can't help learning.”

Imperioli eyen learned to drive. An
early Sopranos episode called for Chris-
topher to drive Tony around, but Im-
perioli, a lifelong New Yorker, didn't
know how. He had no license, no car,
and there he was as Chase's cameras
rolled, pumping the gas pedal while
actors ran for cover. The bang that fol-
lowed wasn't a gunshot; it was Impe-
rioli backing into a tree. "It was not
my slickest moment." Today the 1999
graduate of Manhattan's Grand Prix
Driving School has a New York driver's
license in his wallet. "But still no car. I
only drive on TV,” he says. “It's much
safer—they clear the streets for me."

The Sopranos changed everything for
Imperioli, whose fans run the spec-
trum from the heroes of September 11
to the guys who break real knees. "I've
heard from some of them," he says. “I
mean, I can't prove it. They don't wear
IDs." Buta Sicilian can, you know, kind
of tell. Not long ago a thick-necked,
pinkie-ringed gentleman buttonholed
Imperioli on the street, demanding a
moment of his time. “I got something
to say to you,” the man growled. “Love
the show. Keep it up."

What do you say to your fan the
mobster? If you're not a killer but you
play one on TV, you smile, say thanks,
shake the man's hand—and try not to
wonder where that hand has been.

¿A B WE REWROTE THE
BALLOT, CREATED

NEW CATEGORIES

AND LET THE

READERS SPEAK

\
DAVE MATTHEWS BANB craves

EVERYDAY; DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

HipHop

COUNTRY GRAMMAR: NELLY

Country

LMOPE YOU DANCE: LEE ANN WOMACK

ONE LOVE-THE VERY BEST OF BOB
MARLEY & THE WAILERS

R&B

SONGS INA MINOR: ALICIA KEYS

ar
THe LOOK OF LOVE: DIANA KRALL

ALMOST FAMOUS

7 7 t
ROCK ARTIST HIP-HOP ARTIST

NEXT BIG THING

Faith Hill

COUNTRY ARTIST

1 E = SS
- E ==
4 SS |
>. <S ==
N >
E- ч nr 36. y
A
ELECTRONIC

JAZZ ARTIST

Superstar

the princess takes off her glass slipper

nder the name Princess
Superstar, Concetta
Kirschner makes genre-
crushing music that she
calls flip-flop—best described as a
mix of hip-hop, punk, techno, funk
and electronica. Her new CD, Prin-
cess Superstar Is, is smart, funny
and playfully pornographic. We
called her up with some questions,

You're always compared
to someone else—you’re called the
female Eminem, the white Lil’
Kim. What would you rather be
known as?

The hip-hop Iggy Pop, or the hip-

hop Martha Stewart.

Pick one: Whitney or Mariah?
I gotta say Whitney,

because she is fucking insane.

But Mariah was just in
the mental hospital. I
know, but she doesn't get onstage
ana slur and be on drugs in front of
millions of people—and get a bil-
lion-dollar deal. And Mariah has

got to stop dressing like a teenager.

Tony Soprano or Homer
Simpson? Homer! The
Simpsons has inspired my art. I
don’t know if you remember the
episode where Mr. Burns goes cra-
zy about killing animals to make
clothes—he sings a song that goes,
“See my vest, see my vest!” and the
vest is a gorilla’s chest. I put that
in my song Love/Hate to Be a Play-
er: “See my vest, see my vest, take
it off, see my chest.”

“Wext time you see Vicki,

more naughty stuff. Is
there anything you'd like to say
now to the kids that you babysat?

You're lucky you were
babysat by Princess Superstar.
How many other kids could say
that? Britney Spears’
new thing is that she’s “not a girl,
not yet a woman.” Do you have
any advice for her on how to grow
up? I think Michael
Jackson probably feels the same

the spot’ll be

sticky ’cause I sucked his dicky.”

In Bad Babysitter, you sing: “All
right, kid, you gotta go to bed/I
know it’s only six, but my boy just
came over, and he wants me to give
him head/Sit his bare ass on the
couch where you watch Small Won-
der/Next time you see Vicki, the
spot’ll be sticky 'cause I sucked his
dicky.” That is a bad babysitter!

Actually, I was quite a
good babysitter. I always made sure
the kid was in bed before I did the

way—not a girl, not yet a wom-
an. Maybe they could get together
and... just go somewhere far away.

What do you care to say
to the young men of America about
your sex life? I need a
date! I’m so busy, and it's been
difficult for me to find the one.
Somebody with a huge... brain.
He’s got to be into what he does,
creative, sexy and not afraid to
take risks—in life and in the nasty.

TER

“Well, I see they finally responded to my request to change the elevator music. ы

125

TAK

sHO

BELLY UP TO THE BAR, GUYS. THE DRINKS ARE ON OUR PLAYMATES

OUR

B ody shots? People have been doing them south of the border since the days of the Incas. The
ritual is simple. Awoman chooses a place on her body where she'd like to be salted. She then
clenches a wedge of lime in her teeth. A lucky guy licks the salt, downs a shot of tequila and bites the
lime, all followed by a kiss. Kind of sexy but pretty tame compared with today's sport—now the bever-
age of choice is consumed directly from the woman's body. This cultural phenomenon clearly called
for additional study, so we asked some of our more convivial Playmates to name their best shots.
Nicole Narain, who started our year right by posing as Miss January, painted a tantalizing image of
how she would like a body shot. Nicole said she'd lie on her stomach and take it on her back. For her
shot, Nicole would be inclined to go “all the way” and choose a screaming orgasm (Baileys Irish
Cream, vodka and Kahlua). “It would be more fun if you had a crowd watching, unless you were with
Brad Pitt.” If she were standing up downing shots, Nicole says she would pick sex on the beach—the
same drink Tishara Cousino chose on page 153. Stacy Fuson (Miss February 1999), pictured here,
admitted she’s never done a body shot but loves posing “with tequila running down my neck and
shoulder and then dribbling on down my body. On a hot day, it's actually quite refreshing.” Although
she sees the upside to downing body shots in a party setting, Stacy is more inclined to explore the sen-
suous promise in a romantic situation. Think of it as pourplay. “I'd try it in my belly button, lying down.
If were doing the sipping, | would choose Baileys Irish Cream. If someone were sipping it off me,
maybe I'd call for a shot of Bacardi rum." The possibilities are bottomless, and that's what makes
body shots so much fun. Read on for more Playmate hot spots. (text concluded on page 153)

PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIS FACTOR
ART miX {the agency)

sarah silverman

PL AY BOYS

200

the potty-mouthed comic spouts off on poker, porn
and her love affair with the vagina

S arah Silverman always knew she want-
ed to be a lady of the evening. “Come-
dians work nights,” she says. And she's nev-
er had a day job. As a 17-year-old high
school student, the New Hampshire native
traveled south to regular stand-up dates in
Boston. A year of college followed, but at an
age when most young people are settling in-
to entry-level jobs, Silverman landed a posi-
tion at the top of the business, as a writer on
Saturday Night Live.

The job lasted one season. Was her mouth
the reason her contract wasn't renewed?

Silverman hazards unconventional opin:
ions on issues such as abortion, and she’s not
always politically correct. She is vocal about
her fascination with erogenous zones (she
says her vagina is a favorite one). Did she
expose herself or masturbate onstage at a
Montreal comedy festival? The consensus
is that she did neither, though she left that
impression.

Silverman's television appearances in-
clude Star Trek: Voyager, The Larry Sanders
Show (where she drew on her SNL experi-
ence to play a writer) and Seinfeld. On the
big screen she opened Way of the Gun with a
memorable foul-mouthed sequence. She cur-
rently plays a network executive (she de-
scribes her character as "neurotic") on the
new Fox show Greg the Bunny, which depicts
aworkplace—a television show—where peo-
ple and the puppets who supposedly work for
them engage in bare-knuckle office politics.
And Silverman insists she remains true to
her stand-up roots by mouthing off regularly
at the Los Angeles Improv,

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker
caught up with Silverman in New England.
Kalbacker recalls, “Before we met she
warned me she'd probably say vagina often
during our conversation. And she did. But
at one point she became quite sentimental.
She confided how much she missed her dog,
and then she brought out snapshots of him.”

PLAYBOY: Have you ever had your
mouth washed out with soap?
SILVERMAN: No. I didn't get punished

PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYOA

because my dad thought it was funny
to teach us to swear. Some of the first
things he taught me were bitch, bas-
tard, damn and shit. I was probably
four or five and I'd scream them in the
local market. He thought it was hilari-
ous. I was the innocent vessel through
which he was able to say anything. My
dad says fuck, like, every other word,
but my mom swears once in a blue
moon. She'll not swear for years and
then one day go, “Come on, fucker!”
and everyone is slack-jawed.

PLAYBOY: We can't resist borrowing
from the Playmate Data Sheet. Please
tell us about your ambitions, turn-ons
and turnoffs.

SILVERMAN: I want to have a million kids
and be happy but also be a model. My
turn-ons are my boyfriend, teddy bears
and fast cars. I like chubby guys—
smart and funny chubby nerds—be-
cause I feel I can rock their world. I
don't like liars or closed-minded peo-
ple, nor those who judge others, racism
and pink with red. There is one thing
more. I'm one of the rare women who's
attracted to men who adore me. And it
always impresses me when a man be-
lieves he deserves love. It’s a total turn-
on. So many women and men I know
are turned off by anyone who truly
adores them. I'm surrounded by self-
loathing comics. You can’t appreciate
being loved when you're that way.

PLAYBOY: Do you and your sister, the
one who is a rabbi, discuss the fact that
in many religious traditions old men
tell the rest of us when—and mostly
when not—to have sex?
SILVERMAN: I associate that kind of sex-
hang-up stuff with Catholicism. My last
boyfriend—whom I love—is Catholic.
We'd have sex and then afterward I'd
say, "What we did was a good thing,

right?” Га try to get to him before he
quailed into himself in shame. I talk
about sex with my sister the rabbi.
She's super-duper crazy Reform. All
my sisters kibitz about sex. We tell each
other everything. If any guy has an af-
fair with a Silverman sister, the three
others know everything that goes on,
beat by beat. We can tell each other any
intimate, graphic detail about what's
going on sexually.

PLAYBOY: Not long ago you were cited
for an infraction of the political cor-
rectness code. Is it the duty of comics to
irritate politically correct types?
SILVERMAN: I think so. I got nailed last
summer for saying Chink on Gonan
O'Brien's show. I have two feelings on
political correctness, which are oppo-
site of each other. Political correctness
is good on the one hand because it’s an
attempt at awareness and racial fair-
ness. It's not just that people bad-
mouth a group, it’s the ideas behind it
that propel hurtfulness. On the other
hand, political correctness can end up
being closed-mindedness. Sometimes
the reason people are uptight or self-
conscious about political correctness is
not others’ skin color—we're all the
same underneath—but because they
ask, “What are people going to think of
me?" Or, more important, “I'm going
to get letters!” The fact that NBC im-
mediately apologized after I said the
word Chink on Conan was not because
they stand on a high moral ground,
but because they were responding to
letters and advertisers. That kind of
political correctness is sickening. It's
founded on nothing but money and
superficiality.

PLAYBOY: As someone who has voiced
admiration for sex workers, do you
view the recent publication of several

128

PLAYBOY

call girl and stripper memoirs as evi-
dence of a new respect for these wom-
en's choice of occupation?

SILVERMAN: I've wanted to be a stripper
ever since I was molested. There isn't
anything I don’t love about strippers—
except that their butts have a metal-
pole smell. There is a lot of power in
stripping. The cliché about strippers
being molested is true, and stripping
gives them their one chance to have
control over men. Women really run
the porn industry. They make the most
money. It’s the opposite in the rest of
the world. Prostitution and stripping
are direct forms of whoring, while al-
most every other job is an indirect
form. I have to believe that it’s the
same in any kind of business—in offices
and certainly in show business. There's
the ass-kissing and the lack of individ-
ual opinions out of fear. You know the
way fear motivates people who have
higher-ups. That kind of stuff is a lot
grosser than stripping.

PLAYBOY: Count any strippers among
your friends?

SILVERMAN: Yeah. Comics and strippers
have a close bond that I would guess
goes back to burlesque. Most of my
friends are comics, and guy comics are
always going out with strippers. I dont
think it's just because strippers are
hot—there's other common ground.
They're both night jobs. The kinds of
people you're entertaining are similar.
I've been a comic since I was 19 and
I've also been exposed to a lot of porn.
Lots of my guy friends have porn
stacked to the ceiling, and it’s hard to
not indulge in that every once in a
while. I have a friend who has so much
porn he's had to go to Brazilian gay
porn just to keep up the intrigue. And
he's straight. He made me promise
that if he dies I will break into
house and take out all the porn so his
mom won't find it. I also have a friend
who wrote some porn scripts, and he
took me to a porn set in LA. It’s funny
how quickly it seerns just like any other
set. You can watch actual sex happen-
ing 10 feet in front of you, but you end
up loitering around the craft service
table, the treat table. That's where you
getthe doughnuts, and on this particu-
lar set, there was also a bowl of condoms.

PLAYBOY: You were hired several years
ago as a writer for Saturday Night Live.
Tell us a true tale of the writers’ room.
SILVERMAN: I was there in 1993 and
1994. I still watch SNL and root for it.
Monday we would pitch to the host.
Usually you'd just pitch a one-line
thing that would get a laugh in the

room and then write something else.
What's funny as a one-sentence pitch is
not necessarily funny as a full-length
sketch, and you've probably seen evi-
dence of that on many SNL shows.
Then you write all day Tuesday and
through the night. I just loved staying
overnight, that feeling of being in the
building with people in the hours
when you're usually sleeping. My office
was right next door to a writer named
Jan Maxtone-Graham. lan went to
Brown, so he got teased by the Har-
vard guys, but he was still a big uni-
versity snob to the comics. He had a
drawer full of fresh boxer shorts and
rolled-up socks. I was such a bully.
Halfway through Tuesday nights Га
break into his office and take fresh
shorts and socks and change into them
because they were more comfortable.
And never did we exchange acknowl-
edgment of that between us. I would
walk down the hall and he would see
me in his big boxer shorts and tube
socks and I would look at him like, Say
something! And he never did. I think I
secretly liked him.

PLAYBOY: You've appeared on Conan
O'Brien's show a number of times over
the past few years. He doesn't seem to
mind when you put your feet on the
furniture. Is there something that we
should know about you and Conan?

SILVERMAN: This is what a cocky moth-
erfucker I am. J love Conan and we're
friends and I love all the writers there.
He's special and really cool, but I al-
ways had a boyfriend. My boyfriend
and I were taking a step back the last
time I did the show. My girlfriend Hei-
di, who I always take to Conan's show,
called and said she was going with me.
And I told her, “Heidi, you can come
along, but after the show we may go to
dinner and I think I might make out
with Conan, so you may want to make
yourself scarce.” So I'm in my dressing
room and Em trying to look hot, and
Conan comes in and I'm, like, totally
flirting. You can take some of these to-
tallys out, by the way. And he says,
“Guess what? I got engaged.” And I
immediately say, “That's great.” It wasn't
sincere. And Heidi was sitting right
there, her body shaking with happiness
over how humiliated she knew I was.
Bur I really am happy for him. Totally.

PLAYBOY: If you suddenly decided to
switch careers from comedy to serious
TV journalism, would you be worried
that someone might uncover embar-
rassing Sarah Silverman photographs?
SUVERMAN: There are some naked pic-
tures of me and a roommate in a bath-

tub. Our third roommate took them. I
think we were on acid. We believe she
has them, but we're pretty sure she's
dead. She was a crack whore. She went
from this preppy, Midwestern Asian.
girl who used a curling iron in the
morning to a total coke-whore horror.
She was still Asian, though. She had
boyfriends who were coke guys, and
we'd come home and she'd be passed
out naked in the bathroom, or the cops
would carry her home after she passed
out in the street.

PLAYBOY: We've heard you described as
the kind of woman who acts like "one
of the guys." Are you fed up with that
phrase?

SILVERMAN: Yeah. It feels cheeseball. I
do play basketball, and I like sports. My
last couple of boyfriends have de-
scribed me this way: as dykey as you can
get without being a lesbian. But I'm
totally a girl. I just don't wear it as a
badge. I love fashion and outfits and go
through the magazines. I read In Style.

PLAYBOY: You've played poker for years.
Are you ahead or behind?

SILVERMAN: I'm probably even. I have
played my entire adult life. My dad has
played every Tuesday since before I
was born, so I picked it up through os-
mosis. It's a bunch of guys and me, and
there are a couple of women who also
play. One time I was playing poker in
New York and it was all old boyfriends
and my current boyfriend around the
table. Im the best host because I have
the best treats. I tend to lose when I
host, because I'm so scattered and fo-
cused on hosting. I deal pretty well. I
know how to call the cards. I set up the
table with chips in $40 amounts, be-
cause people usually buy in 40. And I
have a separate table where there are
always red vines—licorice—and green
spearmint leaf candy, Jelly Bellys, Hot
‘Tamales and Good & Plentys. I always
have popcorn, and we order a couple
of pizzas. Dealer calls the game. I tend
toward three, two, one, which is a form
of Anaconda where you get seven cards
and you pass three to your left and
then two to the next person and then
one to the third person over—all the
time receiving the ones passed from
the other side. It’s a high-low game.
Joints go around. I usually get really
stoned. You have to keep yourself in
check when you're high, because you

tend to stay in way too long-

PLAYBOY: Was high schooler Sarah Sil-
verman a prom date from hell?

(continued on page 154)

“You can dry off and go home now, dear . . . he just signed the lease.”

131

B... teenybopper Tiffany doesn't look like a girl
anymore, and she doesn't sound like one, either. The
30-year-old singer of such hits as ] Think We're Alone
Now and Could've Been has said bye-bye to bubble-gum
pop- The Color of Silence, her first domestic album in
a decade, showcases a more mature, rock-influenced
groove. “I’m thankful for the success of my early
records, but I remember thinking, When am I allowed

PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG

134

Tiffony voiced daughter Judy in Jetsons:

Tiffany's self-titled debut in 1987 sold more
than 4 million copies and included the hits
1 Think We're Alone Now, Could've Been
and I Saw Him Standing There. Her second
record, Hold on Old Friend's Hand, went
plotinum, fueled by the hit All This Time.

The Movie after her 1989 ond 1990 tours ME

(above) and wants to try more acting. At
right, she's all dressed up for the 2000
Grammy awards, and below, she gives her
approval at ‘N Sync's Celebrity porty lost July.

to get back to where I envisioned my-
self?” she says. “I was on tour for two
years in the late Eighties and noticed
that music was changing, becoming
more R&B and dance oriented. I come
from a country background, but my
dream was to be a rock singer. | used to
twirl around in my room and pretend
to be Stevie Nicks. It became very frus-
trating for me as a young adult because
people saw me as the sweet and inno-
cent girl next door. I knew my peers
were growing up—girls wanted to look
sexier, and I didn't know how to make
that transition. I had personal prob-
lems with my family and management,
so I decided to bow out gracefully and
go home for a while."

Tiffany used the time to start her
own family and mend the relationship
with her mother, whom she'd sued for
emancipation when she was a teenager.
“My mom and I are incredibly close
now,” she says. “She's much more ac-
cepting of me as a person since I be-
came a mother.” Tiffany lives in a Los
Angeles suburb with her nine-year-old
son, Elijah, and her husband, makeup
artist Bulmaro "Junior" Garcia. “Elijah
is a great kid and student, and I want
him to have stability and a normal life,”
she says. “He sees pictures and video-
tapes of me, but I don't know if he
really puts it together—I'm still just
Mom. 1 would never push him into
the music business or acting. But if he
wanted to do it, I couldn't stop him. 105
in your blood. As a child, I was always
putting on shows in my backyard. My
friends would come over and we'd line
up all our teddy bears and perform."
After Tiffany's appearance on Star
Search, MCA signed her, and the south-
ern California native embarked on the
shopping-mall tour that made her a

star. "I thought it was a great idea,

because when I was 11 the mall was
where my girlfriends and I hung out,"
she says. “We'd take 10 bucks, split fries
and a soda, and walk around and look
at guys. When J first started perform-
ing there, it was awkward because Га
go on at noon and a lot of kids weren't
out of school yet. Га get onstage in
front of a lot of older ladies and start
singing, and they would get pissed!
They were like, "Why are you doing
this? Who are you? You're too loud" A

couple of times I broke down in
tears, but then radio stations started
playing / Think We're Alone Now and
1 really worked it. More and more
of my peers started to come, and I'd
talk to everybody and sign each al-
bum. No one was ever turned away.”

After a decade of soul search-
ing and a brief relocation to Nash-
ville for inspiration, Tiffany released
The Color of Silence, which finds her
more in the company of Sheryl Crow
and Alanis Morissette than teen
queens Christina Aguilera and Brit-
ney Spears. Tiffany and Debbie Gib-
son were the Christina and Britney
of their time, but now the former
rivals are friends who get togeth-
er to chat about today’s pop land-
scape. “I'm not interested in resur-
recüng Tiffany from the past,” she
says. "I feel confident standing on
my own two feet as an adult, a wom-
an, a mother and a musician.” She
wrote or co-wrote seven of the al-
bum's bluesy rock songs, including
the ballad If Only, а heartfelt tribute
to her longtime bodyguard Frank
D'Amato, who died of cancer at 34.
“He became like my big brother,”
she says. “I think he was sent to
watch over me. God gives you little
blessings in life, and he was one of
them. It feels so strange not to have
him here now.” Other songs, such as
Piss U Off and Open My Eyes, sound
as if Tiffany is washing that teen
queen right out of her hair. “I wrote
about things I've seen and felt over
the past 10 years,” she says. “One
song is about a bad, abusive rela-
tionship I was in before I met my
husband. You realize that you have
chipped away all of your char-
acter—the way you look, the way
you talk, the way you act, you've
even changed your friends—and
this person still has a problem with
you, and you don't know why you
need the relationship so badly. One
day you just wake up and say, ‘I'm
done. It's not even about me—you
have a problem.’” On the track Si-
lence, she reflects on the simpler
days, singing, “Everything was dif-
ferent when I was 17/The world
was so much brighter/Now I finally
found the truth/Of what they hid
from me/That world was so much
kinder.”

Spend a short time with Tiffany
and her disarming frankness makes
you feel like you've known her for
years. “As you grow up, you see
people going through things, and 1
am definitely more well rounded,”
she says. “I tried things and fell on
my face, but I'm comfortable with
who I am now. Success to me means

STYLING BY LANEW
MAKEUP AND HAIR BY ALEXIS VOGEL

risen from a decadesdong slumber and rin-

vented himself as a contemporary American
rock stor in the movie Queen of the Damned, a se-
quel of sorts to 1994's Interview With the Vom-
pire. Instead of Tom Cruise, Stuart Townsend bares
fangs this time as Lestat, whose music awakens
the queen mother of vampires, Akasha, from her
supposedly eternal slumber. Played by beloved
R&B singer Aaliyah, Akasha uses all her malevo-
lent power to make Lestat her main mon, and the
world’s vampires are biting mad. So is a young
London womon named Jesse who is drawn to the
dark side and wouldn't mind a little neck bit-
ing with everyone's favorite immortal player. She
must stand with the vampires against Akasha be-
fore the queen manages to unleash hell on earth
ord wipe them all out. винта ео

MET rock. Especially Lestot, who has

Anne Rice

Bestselling author Anne Rice is best known for her
Vampire Chronicles, which unfurled in 1976 with
Interview With the Vampire, followed by The Vam-
pire Lestat, The Queen of the Damned, The Tole of
the Body Thief, Memnoch the Devil, Pandora,
‚Armand, Merrick ond last year’s Blood and Gold.
The epic stories follow the sensual and supemat-
‘ural exploits of various vompires, though Lestat is
the stor. “ completely identify with him,” says
Rice on her official website. “He is my mole self
ond does the things | wish | could. When I'm writ-
ing, he's right there telling me the story, leoning
over my shoulder, telling me to get it right, point-
ing out things | should change, breathing down my
neck and doing everything but biting me. He
wouldn't dare!” (text continued an page 150)

m == az

Insider
The Queen of the Damned is the third
book in the Vampire Chronicles. The movie
incorporates elements from that book and
the second novel, The Vampire Lestor.

Warner Bros. got production moving

on Queen of the Damned before October
2000, when the rights for the book would
have reverted back to Anne Rice.
3 + Producer Jorge Sarlegui said he knew
he'd found the new Lestat after seeing Stu-
art Townsend in Resurrection Man, in which
Sorlegui described Townsend as “pale, sexy,
androgynous, cocksure and dangerous
os hell.”

The Queen of the Damned is directed
by Michael Rymer and has two cedited
screenwriters. Anne Rice volunteered to pen
the screenplay for union scale, but her offer
wos politely declined.

Aaliyah’s older brother, Rashad Haugh-
ton, rerecorded several of his sister's lines in
Queen of the Damned after her death to
smooth over her Egyptian accent.

Jonathan Davis of Kom co-wrote and
recorded five songs for Queen of the
Damned and scored the film along with com-
poser Richard Gibbs. Because of legal reo-
sons, the soundtrack CD will feature the
voice of Jeff Scott Soto, whom Davis
coached.

7 « Warner Bros. decried оп erroneous
New York Past report that the movie was
heading straight to video until Aaliyah’s
death raised its profile.

In Arabic Aaliyah means “the highest, most-exalted
one,” so it's fitting she play the Queen of the Damned.
The R&B sensation released three platinum albums,
the first when she wos 15, as well as the hit Are You
That Somebody from the Dr. Dolittle soundtrack and
the Oscarnominoted Journey to the Past from the film
Anastasia, She recorded the hit Try Again for the movie
Romeo Must Die and made her acting debut in that film
opposite Jet Li. Aaliyah had begun working on the
Matrix sequels before the small plone she was on
crashed in the Bahamos last August, killing everyone
on board. The death of this tolented 22-year-old was a
trogedy, and becouse her unfinished work in the Matrix
sequels had to be scrapped, The Queen of the Damned
will stand os her final film.

^ NAS A Ç
»

ils

“You mean Гт supposed to keep a blow-job-by-blow-job account?”

PLAYBOY

144

PI N KY (continued from page 112)

After three days of wandering among the families of

the lost, I decided to make my own poster.

“Most of the records for those calls
were destroyed in the attack, sir. And
even if they weren't, the calls probably
came from an internal exchange.
"There's no telling what specific phone
was used or who was on it.”

When I got to ту door the phone was
ringing, but I just missed it. The mes-
sage was from Nina Trivet.

“If you're too freaked out to leave
your house, it's OK,” her message said.
“But just call to tell me you're OK.”

I'd always liked Nina. We'd been in
the same department for four years.
Now and then she'd audit one of my
classes. She liked me but always seemed
to have a boyfriend. The newest one was
a rugby player named Cyril who was
an anthropologist from Manchester. I
didn't call her because I was afraid that

we'd do something foolish in the mood
of the attack. Instead, I walked up to the
convention center to see if I could lend a
hand to the rescuers.

It was a lovely day. Some people in the
street seemed sad and lost, as I'm sure I
did, but others were talking, some even
laughed. Sirens blared up and down the
avenues. Fighter jets roared overhead.

The workers at the convention center
said they didn't need any volunteers, but
they took down my name and number. I
bought the three city papers and studied
the articles about the victims, hoping to
find a mention of someone named Pinky.
Then | wandered back toward my
neighborhood.

The police stopped me at a blockade
set up at Eighth and 14th.

“You work down here?” a brawny
young policeman asked.

“No,” I said. "I live here."

“Your mind is never very far from the racetrack, is it, Wayne?”

“ID,” he said.

I reached for my wallet, but it wasn't
there. I had put it in my knapsack when
the bridge cop asked for it.

“T must have left it at home."

The policeman sent me toward a
group of six officers standing in the mid-
dle of the street.

"What's your business here?" a gray-
haired man asked. He had the insignia
of some kind of higher-ranking officer:

"T live on Sullivan."

“You from this country?" another cop.
asked.

"What?"

"You heard the man," said a third cop,
a black guy.

The hazy funk Га been under lifted
for a brief moment.

“My mother is a black woman from
Decatur,” I said. "But my father's Irish. 1
take after him, that's what my mother
says. They separated when I was nine." I
added the last line in a lame attempt to
show that I was just another American
trying to make it through life.

They asked for my address and Social
Security number, When they asked
where I worked, I lied and said I was a
computer salesman because I thought
they might have been more suspicious of
a university researcher.

That night I tried the four telephone
numbers that hadn't answered. No one
knew a Pinky or anyone who went by
that name.

1 went down to ground zero again the
next day, trying to find a news crew who
might be interested in my story. Maybe
they could broadcast the message. But
most were too busy to talk to me, and for
the few who would, my story seemed to
go on too long. One woman from a New
Jersey radio station took my number.
She said she'd call me when the emer-
gency died down.

‘The next day notices started appear-
ing on walls and bulletin boards around
the Village. Copies of photographs of the
victims, with their names and the phone
numbers of their families. Lost children
and husbands, fathers-in-law and aunt-
ies, friends and lovers, firemen and po-
licemen. I studied every word of every
poster I saw. At St. Vincent’s Hospital
there were hundreds of them, some with
the most intimate det he tattoo of a
red cardinal on an inner thigh, a missing
baby finger on a left hand. One man was
said to have smiling eyes.

The families and friends of the miss-
ing were there at the hospital and later
at the bereavement center. | wandered
among them asking if anyone knew a
Pinky, saying I had а message. People
were mostly kind.

One woman asked me if 1 had lost
someone. When I told her no, she
touched my cheek and shook her head.
It felt as if she were sorry for me, that
without something, anything, even loss

(Advertisement)

Are you losing your hair?

The biological effects of combined herbal oral and topical formulations on androgenetic alopecia

R. Ortiz, M.D., DJ. Carlisi, M.D., А. Imbriolo~
These studies (condensed version) were made possible by a collective effort of The Hair and Skin Treatment Center in combination with The New York Hair Clinic

ABSTRACT

"This data represents the results of a 24 week
controlled study which shows the positive.
biological effects, efficacy and safety of a
combined, unique herbal oral therapy and
topical solution on hair regrowth. Two hundred
subjects (100 males and 100 females were
enrolled in our study. A combination of herbal
oral therapy and a special complex of herbal
based topical formulation was evaluated. The
topical formulation has special enhancers that
significantly increase the rate of penetration
into the scalp. On the average, active hair
regrowth was noted with the combined therapy
in over 95% of the patients as early as two to
four months. No further hair loss was reported
as early as one to two months, Long term
follow up has shown no side effects and/or
unwanted reactions. The results presented here
provide evidence of the effectiveness, safety and
the high degree of success achieved with this
revolutionary modality. This therapeutic
approach represents the latest and most
advanced treatment in the management of
androgenetic alopecia (hair loss) in both men
and women,

HERBAL ORAL MEDICATION

“Testosterone is a naturally occurring sex
hormone (androgen), normally produced,
mainly by the male testis with a small
contribution from the adrenal glands in both
men and women. For this reason it is found in
higher concentrations in men as compared to
women. It is the compound solely responsible
for the male sex characteristics in man as
opposed to estrogen and progesterone, the
androgenic hormones determining the female
sex. Through very complex biochemical
pathways in the body some of Testosterone
undergoes a series of transformations resulting
in various compounds each with a different
physiologic function in the body than the
original hormone. One of the main compounds
produced is dihydrotestosterone also known as
DHT.

Accumulation of DHT within the hair
follicle is considered to be the hormonal
mediator of hair loss through its direct action.
on the androgenic receptors in human scalp.
tissue. Through an unknown mechanism, DHT
appears to interrupt the normal physiologic
environment and function of the hair follicles
in the scalp resulting in the alteration of the
general metabolism (normal hair growth). The
final outcome of this interaction ranges from
the partial destruction to the complete
‘obliteration of hair follicles resulting in an
increase dropout in the number of functional
hair cells.

The organic extract of the herbal
formulations tested acts at the level of the
cytosolic androgenic receptor of the scalp in a
direct competitive manner with DHT. It works

as a natural androgenic blocker, by inhibiting
the active binding of DHT to the hair follide
receptor thereby modulating its effects and
decreasing the amount of follicle damage and
hairloss,
HERBAL BASED TOPICAL FORMULATION

A special herbal topical medication was
exclusively designed by experts in our
institution. This revolutionary and unique
development represents the latest and most
advance treatment modality for patterned
baldness currently available anywhere. This
medicinal complex consists of of a specific
blend of natural herbs in combination with a
variety of penetrating agents (enhancers) which
improves the penetration rate to the affected
site. In addition a carefully selected
combination of minerals, vitamins, amino acids
and known hair growers was added in order to
provide the basic nutrients necessary for the
metabolism of healthy follicular development.
MATERIALS AND METHOD
‘Two hundred volunteer patients consisting of
one hundred men and one hundred women
exhibiting pattern baldness were enrolled in the
study. The severity of hair loss ranged from
stage I to the most advance stage IV on the

Start growing
a full, healthy
head of hair

today!

The FDA has identified the body chemical
Dihydrotestosterone (DHT) as the leading
cause of hair loss. At the Hair & Skin
Treatment Center and the New York Hair
Clinic we have developed an all natural
herbal treatment, AVACOR, which stops

DHT from attacking hair follicles and is
guaranteed to start regrowing hair in balding
areas. In five years of clinical testing,
AVACOR has shown a 90% success rate in
both men and women. AVACOR is all
natural, safe and effective.

Stop DHT from ruining
your life.

Hair & Skin Treatment Center and

1-800-468-6406

Hamilton scale. Each participant was subjected
10 a thorough physical examination and a
complete medical history was taken. All patients
were in apparent good health and none have
been previously involved in any studies or
treatment as this type. The age range was 18-65
years. The mean age for men in years with their
standard deviation was 32.1 + 9.1 and 37.7 +
12.9 in women. The total duration of the study
was six months.

RESULTS
The overall outcome of this therapeutic
modality has proved to be an extremely
beneficial treatment approach in the
management of androgenic alopecia (hair loss).
There was a significant difference in the rate of
hair loss and regrowth noted between males and
females. A dramatic decrease in the rate of
excessive hair loss and fallout was noted in most
patients after the first 1-2 months of treatment
In women exclusively, this was evident as early as
2-4 weeks. Actual regrowth of hair was usually
seen on the average within 2-4 months in > 95%
males and within 2-3 months in > 98% females
(figure 1). Thickening and lengthening of hair
throughout the scalp occurred in all patients over
the course of the study.

* Herbal Medi

¢ Consultant

AVACOR shows a 90% success rate
in both men and women

Developed at the

the New York Hair Clinic
NYC
Call now!

Avacor is a registered trademark

145

PLAYBOY

146

to hold on to, I lacked a center or pur-
pose. I knew this was crazy, but that's
how it seemed to me.

After three days of wandering among
the families of the lost, 1 decided to make
my own poster, Alan Cartier had called
me himself that morning asking if 1 were
all right and saying, in an uncharacteris-
tically kind manner, that 1 was expected
to be back at work. I had unplugged my
phone by that time. I didn’t want to talk
to anybody, except about Pinky. That
was my job, given to me by the unnamed
victim who represented everyone who
had died. I felt that if I could connect
the dying man’s words with the faceless,
even genderless Pinky, 1 would have done
what I could.

Pinky was my American flag, my stand
against terrorism.

I typed out a message that was too
sterile and staid. So I wrote it outin bold
print: Pinky's name followed by an ex-
clamation mark even bolder.

My bank account was getting low, so I
went to the education office at the uni-
yersity to use their copy machine. Wh
the posters were running off, Nina 1
et saw me from the hall.

“Abel,” she cried. She embraced me

and kissed me on the lips, leaving them
moist and cool.

“Hey, Nina. Hey," I said. "Sorry I
didn't call you. I don't know, but I just
can't seem to return any calls. 1"

“It’s OK," she said, taking my hand. “I
understand. 1 just wanted to make sure
you were fine.”

“The police stopped me at the block-
ade on 14th,” I told her. “I think they
thought I was a terrorist.”

“Do you think there'll be a war?” she
asked.

“No,” I said. “I can't see that. I mean,
we don't even really know who did it.”

“The president thinks so,” she said.
“Wasn't it great how Mayor Giuliani was
down there helping and keeping things
together?”

“] have to put up these posters,” I
said.

Nina read the message and asked,
“What is this?”

I told her about the phone message
and she agreed to help me. We decid-
ed the Village was the best place to put
them up. I thought we should go out
separately, but Nina wanted to stay with.
me and 1 guess that turned out better,
because we were able to talk.

"What, are you crazy? We've got tickets to The Producers for

tomorrow might!

Cyril was in Britain, but due back in a
few days. After the attack, he had pro-
posed to Nina over the phone.

“I wasn't really thinking about mar-
riage before," she said. "But now every-
thing seems so, so . . . I don't know. It
just seems like we have to do something
with our lives. Not just study or go out.
Somcthing meaningful and real."

After we had put up 100 posters we
stopped for coffee at Cafe Borgia IL

"Dr. Cartier has been asking about.
you, Abel," Nina said.

She was a small woman, almost 30,
with brown hair and one freckle in the
middle of her chin. She was a runner
and proud of her strong legs. Her short
skirts were often discussed among the
male professors and grad students.

“Yeah,” 1 said. "I'm going to call him
in a couple of days. I just have to work
this Pinky thing out first."

"You're not the only one who has
stayed away," Nina said. "He's getting
pretty mad. You know he's kind of a
hawk. He wants to dismiss any employee
who doesn't show up by the end of the
week."

1 walked Nina to her apartment build-
ing. She invited me upstairs, but 1 de-
clined. She kissed me goodbye, on the
lips again. I wiped my mouth afterward,
and I think she was hurt.

I went home and watched The Power-
puff Girls and Dexter's Laboratory, took a
double dose of NyQuil and fell asleep. In
the middle of the night I awoke and
called my message service, I skipped the
new messages and listened once again to
the last ery for Pinky.

The day we started bombing Alghani-
stan, 1 found that the message for Pinky
had been automatically deleted from my
service. I called to see if I could get it
back, but the operator didn't even know
who I could ask. I had a few calls from
family members of victims, hoping that
the message was for them. I never went
back to my job. My brother, Garter, lent
me enough money for three months’
rent. Nina got engaged to Cyril and
asked him if I could be the best man.

I've been staying at home, trying to re-
member how it felt to want to be an ex-
pert on adolescent sex problems and
reading habits. That's really what Га
wanted before I got the message. But
now I don't know. My mother tells me 1
have to snap out of it, that I have to get
to work.

“You'll be homeless,” she warns me.

It doesn't seem to matter much. Noth-
ing does. Maybe in a week or two I'll do
something. I don't know what it will be.
Maybe I'll go to Australia and look for
work as a teacher among the aborigines.
Maybe I'll go back to Georgia, look up
my father and see if I really do resem-

ble him.

LENNOX LEWIS

(continued from page 68)
you think he was scared? W: a chemi-
cal imbalance?
Lewis: It was a
called crack.
PLAYBOY: What did you think, watching
McCall tremble and weep?

Lewis: Nothing’s amusing in the ring.
Even with his antics, I was still at Defcon 5.
PLAYBOY: Red alert. So, is Defcon 5 the
maximum?

Lewis: It’s the highest.

PLAYBOY: After the fight McCall said he
had been waiting for a message from
above, waiting for God to tell him to
knock you out.

chemical imbalance. It's

him through an intermediary. He said
he didn’t want anything, he just wanted
to say he was proud of me. He wasn't
asking for money. I was curious, but 1
decided 1 didn't want to know him. My
view was: Anything my mother wants, she
gets. But with him, no.

PLAYBOY: For a mama’s boy, you were a
rowdy kid ——

LEWIS: No, I was very loving.

PLAYBOY: You got expelled from grade
school when you were eight.

LEWIS: I was not a rogue. But, yes, I was
expelled. Some older kids were playing
soccer and they wouldn't let me play. So
I kidnapped their ball. 1 kicked it away
and ran and kept going, kicking the ball

LEWIS: Finally I got to go to Canada. My
mother worked in a Styrofoam factory
that made coolers, the kind you take to a
football game. At the factory you'd see
giant pieces of the stuff. She worked long
hours, and we weren't poor. | ate a lot
of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches—
that was good enough for me. When 1
started boxing 1 would travel with the
team and get a per diem, a little pocket
money. I saved it and gave some to her.
PLAYBOY: At Cameron Heights High
School you played power forward on the
basketball team. You were a shot-putter
and fullback on the football team.

LEWIS: Once we had a big football game
the same day I was to go on a boxing
trip. The football

LEWIS: Really? I
missed that. If I'd
known it was that
dangerous, I would
have gone to Def-
con 6.

PLAYBOY: Let's back-
pedal to your cry-
baby youth, You
grew up in London
and in Kitchener,
Ontario, near To-
ronto, but your her-
itage is Jamaican.
LEWIS: My mother's
Jamaican. Both of
my parents are, ac-
tually, so I’ve got
that vibe. I love the
food, the music, the
culture, the spirit.
My favorite place in
the world is French-
man's Cove. Ja-
maica is the most
beautiful country,
but also the most
dangerous.
PLAYBOY: You were
raised by your
mother, Violet, and
you never talk
about your father,
who left when you
were a little boy. Was

Cran Yi as

GLE BARREL VINTAGE BOURBON

's only vintage-dated

taste of Evan Williams Single Barrel.

ingle Barrel Bourbon—named
The Year three years in a row—and unleash the unique

game was local, but
the boxing was for
all Canada. I pre-
ferred boxing be-
cause it's individual.
You don’t have to
depend on a team.
So I boxed, and
the football coach
called me a prima
donna. I had to go
find out what he
meant by that.
PLAYBOY: Did you
look it up?

LEWIS: I asked my
boxing coach, Arnie
Boehm. He knew.
PLAYBOY: You had
some more flauer-
ing nicknames in
those days. Other
kids called you the
Scientist, or some-
times the Chemist.
LEWIS: Me and my
friends all had ali:
es, our a.ka.s. My
hard-core friends
called me Chemist
because I was a
thinker.

PLAYBOY: There's a
funny story about

he an athlete?
LEWIS: No, he wasn't.

PLAYBOY: Were you driven to succeed be-
cause he left? Men from Vince McMa-
hon to Shaquille O'Neal have told us
they had that motivation—to prove their
worth to an absent father.

Lewis: Maybe it forces us to strive. You
want to achieve, to claim something. But
I was a mama's boy—maybe what you're
talking about motivated my mother. She
was a mother and father, and she created
a prodigy. A lot of mama's boys are suc-
cessful, you know.

PLAYBOY: What happened to your father?
LEWIS: He's a mechanic in London.
PLAYBOY: Did he try to contact you after
you got famous?

LEWIS: Yeah, but too late. I heard from

Evan Мал Single Base age Bouton. Dies and tuned by Ok Evan Wes Dry Basto. KY 40004 433% Ax EL ОТЫ?

as I ran. This can be very good for your
soccer skills. But these boys caught up
with me. They wanted their ball. 1 said,
“You can't have it, but I'll let you have
this.”

PLAYBOY: Your right fist.

Lewis: That was my first big punch. A
teacher grabbed me and I was off to the
principal's office.

PLAYBOY: You were just a kid when your
mother moved to Canada. She took you
with her but soon sent you back to Lon-
don to live with an aunt.

LEWIS: There wasn't room for me. It was
a hard adjustment, never knowing when
I would see her again. Everyone said it
would bea short time, but it wasn't.
PLAYBOY: It was two years.

some guys who
messed with your
car. You and your friends went after
them —

LEWIS: I was driving in London, in my
Mercedes, when some construction work-
ers ambushed me. I think they were just
coming from the pub.

PLAYBOY: Why were they mad at you?
Lewis: I think because 1 was a black fella.
I'm just driving along minding my own
business, and they start throwing stuff at
my car. Tools—a drill. Now all the glass
in my car is wrecked. I'm vexed. I had to
make them realize they weren't dealing
with a punk, so I went home and pre-
pared for war.

PLAYBOY: It's interesting that you didn't
just chase them. You're more deliberate
than that.

147

PLAYBOY

148

Lewis: You don't fight without being ful-
ly prepared. I went home and got my
lawyer, my friends, my righteous group.
Got my stuff on. Black fatigues.

PLAYBOY: It's the undisputed ninja in the
night—those guys are dead.

Lewis: [Laughing] Those guys lefi town!
We went looking, but they were gone.
PLAYBOY: They could run, and they could
hide.

LEWIS: We had to call off the war.
PLAYBOY: What do you drive now?

LEWIS: I have a Bentley and an Aston
Martin. I'm not much of a car collector.
You can drive only one at a time.
PLAYBOY: Ever been in a bar fight?

LEWIS: Before the 1988 Olympics 1 was in
a country-and-western bar when a man
came up behind me and threw a punch.
1 put my hand up and stopped it—just
reflex—but I was furious that he'd tried
to sucker punch me. I walked over to
him and punched him, boom! He went
flying down, and then a brawl broke out
in the bar. I got out of there fast, but you
should have heard the stories that grew
from that punch: Lennox Lewis knocked
out four people!

PLAYBOY: Now you move in different cir-
cles. Do you have celebrity friends?
Lewis: A few, Athletes and movie stars
like to give each other love. Гуе met
some snobby-nosed celebrities and some
cool ones. Woody Harrelson was in Lon-
don the other day. We played tennis,
chess and backgammon. We're pretty
eyen atall three. No basketball this time,
but we're even there, too. I am a better
player, but he's a great cheater.

Will Smith and I were going to get to-
gether, but he wanted to play golf. I
prefer paintball. Now, there is a sport I
love. 1 play in Miami all the time. I'll be
dressed all in camouflage, and I've got
the best gun. It’s an automatic-load gun,
so І can fire on you fast.

PLAYBOY: So here's the heavyweight
champion with his paint gun, ambush-
ing 15-year-old kids—

LEWIS: Hey, І take big men with me. I'm
shooting all my friends and lawyers.
PLAYBOY: Will Smith is a serious golfer.
How about you?

LEWIS: | have taken up golf. I'm still
learning. I don't know how far I hit
the ball, but people tell me that it's re-

"Whenever I cheated on you, sweetheart, I did so with
a very guilty conscience."

ally quite far

PLAYBOY: You're a chess player, too, as
sportswriters looking for an angle never
fail to mention. Are you a counterpunch-
er in chess or an attacker?

LEWIS: Definitely a counterpuncher.
Chess is like war. It's like boxing, or even
life. The other man wants to defeat me;
I have to protect myself and counter
his moves.

PLAYBOY: We hear you don't always play
fair. If you're losing, you might “acciden-
tally" turn over the board and send the
pieces flying.

LEWIS: [Laughing] That's not my fault! I
can't always be aware of where the board
is, can I?

PLAYBOY: What do you think of American
pop culture?

LEWIS: Some things I accept, some I
don't. The gangster thing—the idea that
an athlete, especially a black athlete,
should act like a thug—thar's not for me.
PLAYBOY: When you go out to the clubs
with your posse—OK, your righteous
group—do you dance?

Lewis: [Standing, waving his elbows chicken
style] 1 don't dance, but I will boogie.
PLAYBOY: Your idol, Ali, was a great dancer
in the ring. Now he has trouble walking.
LEWIS: It's sad to see him struggle. The
thing about his sickness is that he's still
there mentally. It's hard for him to bring
things out verbally, but you can see he's
still in there. His eyes light up when he
sees me. He'll whisper to me, “You're the
greatest, just like me.”

PLAYBOY: Docs secing Ali make you want
to quit boxing?

Lewis: I don’t want to stay too long. I
worked to become undisputed heavy-
weight champion. Now I am, and I'm
satisfied with that. But this is a business,
too. When someone offers you $8 mil-
lion to fight a guy, it’s hard to say no.
PLAYBOY: Tell us about your current love
life.

LEWIS: I have a new girlfriend. This time
it's serious. It's still early—only a couple
of months—and I won't say her name.
She shouldn't have to speak to the press.
But I can tell you that she would say
good things about me.

PLAYBOY: What does she do?

Lewis: She’s an up-and-coming record-
ing artist.

PLAYBOY: Exactly like your description of
Aisha, your former girlfriend. Some pco-
ple doubt that your girlfriends exist
LEWIS: Oh, she exists. Please don't say she
doesn't—you'll hurt her feelings.
PLAYBOY: You're pushing 40. Do you
want to have kids?

LEWIS: Yes. That's something I have con-
sciously sacrificed for my boxing, but
when the boxing is over, it can happen. I
think I will be a great dad, and I have
dreamed of how to bring up my kids.
They'll attend private schools in Lon-
don. They'll go to Jamaica and learn
about spices and culture. They'll go to

boost the опе
Pet ied py ‚desire,
к, endurance,

pe | CAUTION: USE

m
| BEEN KNOWN
INGREASE SEX DRIVE

— —
139% + 5* S/H « Orders: P15-0402
Buy 2 get 1 FREE! • °79%+ 7° S/H

817 south Federal HWY.
Deerfield Beach, FL 3344

1 (800) 445- 1231

www.maximuminternational.com

1-800-343-3810

TIRED OF BEING CONSIDERED SHORT?
Try cur quality leather footwear with the HID-
DEN height increaser inside the shoe. ONLY
YOU WILL KNO! IE SECH Look like
ordinary shoes. Will make you up to 3" TALLER
depending on the style. Over 100 styles to
choose from including dress shoes, boots, sport
shoes and casuals. Extremely comfortable.
Discreet packaging. Sizes 5 to 12. Widths B to
EEE. In business since 1939. MONEY-BACK
GUARANTEE! Call or write for your FREE color
catalog. www.elevatorshoes.com

ELEVATORS®
RICHLEE SHOE COMPANY. DEPT. PB24
P.O. BOX 3566, FREDERICK, MD 21705

India. They will be prodigies.

PLAYBOY: What will their dad. the former
champ, do?

Lewis: I might get more into movies. I
had a good time making Ocean's Eleven,
but I played myself. What's next? Per-
haps a science fiction show or an action
adventure, with me saving the day.
PLAYBOY: How about your playing James
Bond, another Brit who has an Aston
Martin?

LEWIS: Funny you should say that. I have
practiced my Bond line on many occa-
sions. “My name is Lewis, Lennox Lew-
is,” ГИ say. “The black Bond.” We shall
see if the world is ready for that.
PLAYBOY: Answer an important question:
Is boxing crooked?

Lewis: [Nodding] Yes, but it has always
been crooked. | remember the first Oli-
ver McCall fight, when I lost. The referee
stopped the fight in the second round.
Now, that was weird. I was the champi-
on, and you never see that happen. You
never stop a champion, and take his title
away, because he goes down one time so
early in a fight. Mysterious. Of course,
Don King was McCall's promoter. And
then, a month later, I see that referee
and his whole family at the WBC con-
vention, sitting with Don King. That's
when a bell goes off in your head. Is box-
ing crooked or what?

PLAYBOY: Can you help straighten it out?
LEWIS: I dreamed that I did. In a dream
I cast my championship belts together
and make one.

PLAYBOY: You once said your mission was
to rid the sport of all its misfits.

LEWIS: That is still my mission.
PLAYBOY: Which misfits have you gotten
rid of?

LEWIS: Have you seen David Tua's hair-
style lately?

PLAYBOY: Are you still improving as a
fighter?

LEWIS: Every day.

PLAYBOY: What are you working on now?
Lewis: [Smiling] The 20-punch combina-
tion. I have to perfect th:
PLAYBOY: Being heavyweight champion
of the world must be good for a guy's
self-esteem.

Lewis: I like to say “champion of the
universe.”

PLAYBOY: It’s a lonely job.

LEWIS: Yeah, you are completely alone.
But that doesn't bother me. Watch me at
press conferences. I speak for myself. I
don't need a guy standing behind me,
some windup doll—you pull the string
and he starts yelling, “Tyson's coming!
‘Tyson's gonna get you!" I am fully confi-
dent in myself. And it's the same when I
step into the ring. When them guys step
in, they can't bring their team with them.
"I hat's the difference, They think they
can fight in a bunch. I know I can stand
up by myself, alone.

www.panties.com

If she's got a little Irish in her, get a little
Irish on her. Our Happy St. Panty™ and
Erin Go Bra™ give new meaning to the
wearin’ o' the green.

Arrives gift-wrapped with chocolates, perfume,

romantic note and other delights. As profiled
by CNN, MTV and USA Today.

ie, r brochure.

E “Жа
D Soames

The stereo store that

comes to your door

Crutchfield delivers the latest audio
and video gear, plus the information
you need to get the features and per-
formance you want. And, once you've
found your gear, you'll find a great
shipping deal, a 30-day money back
guarantee, and FREE extras you
won't find anywhere else.

Call now! 1-800-555-8260

Or visit www.crutchtieldcatalog.com
and enter code “PL”

CRUTCHFIELD

The best selection and service for 28 years

PLAYBOY

150

Anne Rice (continued from page 142)

“Wri

ing my novels, I was deeply into SEM. But I

was constructing a fantasy, not a road map.”

Before Anne Rice first drew blood on
the literary scene with Interview With the
Vampire, vampires were mostly relegated
to late-night B movies. No one had ever
tried to bring humanity to the monsters,
to view vampires as tormented outsid-
ers who struggle with morality, the mean-
ing of life and the transience of love
and erotic desire. The Vampire Chronicles—
nine books and counting—amassed a
huge following that broke barriers based
on gender, sexual orientation and age.
Although the 60-year-old author is mod-
est about how much her Vampire Chroni-
des have expanded the mythology of the
undead, she says dismissal of her work
stings. "Some people don't take The Vam-
pire Chronicles seriously at all, because the
books are about vampires,” she says.
“They don't understand how much I've
put into the novels. In some dark and
tangled way, Louis was me in Interview
With the Vampire. That was my melan-
choly, my guilt for leaving the Catholic
Church, my grief for the death of my
daughter.”

Initially, Rice wasn't thrilled with the
casting of 1994's blockbuster Interview
With the Vampire, which features Cruise as
Lestat, but now she sings his praises. “1

was wrong about Tom Cruise's not being
able to overcome type," she says. "He's a
wonderful actor who became the charac-
ter Lestat and understood Lestat's per-
sonality. I just saw Richard E. Grant, an
actor I had lobbied for in Interview With
the Vampire, play a vampire in the come-
dy The Little Vampire. He was this dramat-
ic, cultured character tricked out in Eliz-
abethan drag. I'd like to think 1 had a
little influence there. It’s flattering to
think people have read my work and
want to build on it.” Now The Queen of the
Damned is out in theaters with a new cast
and minimal involvement from Rice.
“When the movie was in development, I
offered to write the screenplay for union
scale with a deferred payment if the
movie was ever made,” she says. “I want-
ed to do Lestat and the studio wanted
to do the third novel, The Queen of the
Damned. They really didn't want me.
They told me politely that I was just too
big for them.” Rice maintained contact
with the filmmakers during the produc-
tion of Queen, but at the time of this
interview, she had not seen the mov-
ie. “I'm optimistic,” she says. “Even an
adaptation of the book can be good if the
personalities of the characters remain

“Wow! And I thought you were just a song-and-dance man.”

true to the story. That's what I'm hoping.
for with Queen.” What does she think of
the new Lestat? “I met Stuart Townsend
after the picture wrapped,” she says.
“He came to New Orleans and I showed
him around the house and property. He
was charming. He had a good experi-
ence making Queen and he told me about
some of the things that fascinated him,
like playing a rock star onstage in front
of a real audience."

Although Rice's work has been trans-
lated to the screen with varying success,
the author still gets excited at the pros-
pect of her stories on film, Her book
Ramses the Damned, about an immortal
mummy, is being developed by James
Cameron, and she'd love to see Joaquin
Phoenix play the ghost who haunts a
woman in the supernatural love story Vi-
olin. “When 1 watched Interview With the
Vampire, 1 was thrilled to see scenes I had
written being acted out pretty faithfully
to what I had done,” she says. “It gave
me chills. The same thing happened
with Showtime's Feast of All Saints, which
was such a faithful adaptation by the
screenwriter, John Wilder. He really un-
derstood the book. Now I'm reluctant
to work on any project without John.”
Rice probably regreis not haying Wil-
der around when her erotic novel Exit
to Eden was turned into a slapstick com-
edy starring Rosie O'Donnell and Dan
Aykroyd. “The movie Exit to Eden was so
disconnected from my work that it didn't
even bring in my audience," she says.
“The producers interpreted the novel to
be comic, and they ridiculed the charac-
ters. Exil to Eden is actually a kinky love
story.”

Rice is a kink connoisseur. Her porno-
graphic Beauty trilogy (The Claiming of
Sleeping Beauty, Beauty's Punishment and
Beauty's Release) is a sadomasochistic re-
telling of the classic fairy tale. “I used the
pseudonym A.N. Roquelaure because
my father was still living at the time and
1 didn't want him to know about it,” she
says. “Roquelaure means cloak in French,
so A.N. Roquelaure really means Anne
with a cloak. I wanted to put these elab-
orate sexual fantasies in print, and I
believed pornography could be written
without the grimness of The Story of O
or 9% Weeks. I wanted something that
was playful and highly erotic on every
page yet didn't contain four-letter words,
something that could be elegant and fun
for both men and women. I think I ac-
complished my goal.” It was a dark fan-
tasy for Rice, but what about her fans?
“Туе met people who are into S&M who
come to my signings and talk about the
Beauty books and how they act out the
scenes,” she says. “It frightens me a lit-
tle, and I tend to be shy, so I don't ask
a lot of questions. 1 appreciate their life-
style, but I have not personally been in-
volved with S&M. When I was writing my

Shop: at the
Playboy seeTod ay

a little lov

The Chain Bikini Set
Unchain her heart—and unleash her
sexy side—with this polished steel
bikini top and matching thong that
won't be the weakest link In her lin-
gerie drawer. Th weighs in at
a mere three pounds and is available
in one size with adjustable clasps pro-
viding a custom fit. Buy it today for
only $89! (Request item # PB6490.)

Source Code 02325

800-423-9494
www.playboystore.com

Most major credit cards accepted.

To order by mall, please send check or
money order to: PLAYBOY
Р.О. Box 809
Source Code 02325
Itasca, Illinois 60143-0008
Add 57.95 shipping snd handling charge por tots!
order. Illinois residents add 6.75% sales tex.

novels, I was deeply into it. But I was
constructing a fantasy, not a road map or
a blueprint.”

Although Rice says her days of writing
pornography are over, there is no lack of
erotic tension in The Vampire Chronicles,
in which the characters explore limitless
erotic pairings. “When I write, I see the
world through bisexual eyes,” she says.
"I'm not sure that everyone is inherently
bisexual, but I know a lot of people who
are capable of being bisexual if they
could remove the prejudice or if it were
more swanky to be that way. I think
maybe I'm bisexual—1 don't really
know. When I'm Louis or Lestat or any
of those characters, I see everyone as єз-
sentially attractive and compelling. I
don't sce the world with the grimy eyes
of a detective novelist. I don't use nega-
tive vocabulary. I believe everyone is at-
tractive to some extent, and the bisexual
romanticism in those novels is a part of
my psyche. Lestat is the man I wish I
was. For many years I felt like a gay man
in a woman's body, and Lestat is kind of
a gay man in a gay man's body.”

Lestat, who has taken a backseat in the
last few Chronicles, will return next in the
book Blackwood Farm and be the focus of
the upcoming Angel Time. “I was work-
ing on Angel Time in 1998 when I got di-
abetes and went into a coma," Rice says
“I almost died with a blood sugar level
of 800, and when I got to the hospital I
was on the verge of cardiac arrest. When
you're in a diabetic coma, your brain
actually shrinks, so it was frightening to
come out of that with no ability to fan-
tasize, imagine or plan. I was in a state
of the present tense and agitated all
the time. It took months to get back my
vocabulary and my capacity to write a
narrative."

Now that she has made a notable im-
pression on pop culture and changed
the mythology of the vampire, will she
abandon the Chronicles? Is there a fi-
nal chapter? "I have a young audience.
coming up that wasn't even born when
I wrote Interview With the Vampire," she
says. “The Vampire Chronicles are being
used in philosophy classes in college and
high school literature classes. Teachers
come through the book-signing line and
tell me that they assign the Chronicles to
kids because it gets them to read. All of
that is wonderful. I'm writing a novel
called The Talamasca, about the order of
psychic detectives that I first introduced
in The Queen of the Damned. I'm trying to
keep vampires out of it, but I don't seem
to be able to control myself and I keep
weaving all my books together. I want
new characters, new voices and new
ideas, so it's going to be clean if it kills
me. But I don't see any end to The Vam-
pire Chronicles. 1 still have a lot to say.”

How to order them without embarrassment.
How to use them without disappointment.

NE can use sex toys to enhance, rejuvenate,
play, or asa special treat. Perhaps that's
why 50 million Americans view vibrators and
other sex toys favorably according to the

“Sex in America” survey.

Rely on our 100%, three-way Guarantee.
For over 25 years our customers have felt com-

fortable with us, because:

1. We guarantee your privacy. Everything we
ship is plainly packaged and securely wrapped
with no clue as to its contents. Transactions are
strictly confidential—we
trade the name of any customer.

er sell, give, or

2. We guarantee your satisfaction. Ifa product
seems unsatisfactory, simply return it within
60 days for a prompt replacement or refund.

3. We guarantee that the products you choose
will keep giving you pleasure. Should it mal-
function, just return it to us for a replacement
More than a catalogue. The Xandria Collection
of sensual delights celebrates new possibilities
for pleasure and loving—perhaps many that
you never knew existed!

xandria.com

To receive $4 OFF your first purchase from
xandria.com, identify yourself as a "First Time
Buyer” during checkout, then type the discount
code PB0402 in the space provided.

The Xandria Collection

1
Dept. PB0402, RO, Box 31039, San Francisco, СА 94131-3988
Ten my check or money onder for S4 65 Canada, UK} Î

| Please send me the Xandria Gold Edition Catalogue |
| , ard coupon good for S4 OFF my first purchase

Тат over 21
| Sartre neue.

PLAYBOY

152

BOXI N G (continued from page 96)

“I fell out with my manager, couldn't get fights. I got
into armed robbery. I'm here now till 2016.”

talent for the money ranks. But doing
time, that hardly matters. The ring is sal-
vation. It's a place where you can master
your violence and show off your wiles.
Wardens use the sport for crowd control.
Only the best-behaved prisoners gain ac-
cess to the weight room and the ring.

Prison boxing began at Angola and
dates to at least the Forties. A photo sur-
vives of an early match: ‘Two cons in reg-
ulation khakis square off inside four piec-
es of twine laid on the prison yard. In
1987 the state formed the Louisiana In-
stitutional Boxing Association. “Before
LIBA, we used inmate judges,” says com-
missioner Pat Kilcrease. “Because they
lived in the general population, the only
way they'd let a visiting fighter win was
by knockout.”

This past summer I drove 150 miles
northwest of New Orleans for a Thurs-
day fight night at Avoyelles State Prison
in Cottonport. Elayn Hunt, Dixon and
Angola each had bused a team of a doz-
en prisoners (the fights rotate each month
among LIBA facilities). After changing
from shackles to shorts, the fighters line
up along the gym walls, occasionally nod-
ding to buddies but not talking much
and definitely not passing anything hand
to hand.

As the inmates lace up their gloves and
shadowbox, officials from each prison se-
clude themselves to schedule the card.
Each one bluffs for his fighters, trying to

match them up with slightly weaker op-
ponents by emphasizing past losses and
lackluster punches. In the gym, prison-
ers unfold steel chairs around the ring.
One side fills with Avoyelles inmates
dressed in blue jeans and white I-shirts.
The other side is a ragtag crowd of lo-
cals. “You figure that if these guys know
how to do anything, they know how to
fight,” one guy tells me as he devours a
hot dog. "You never know when you'll
see the next Rhino.”

Each prison has its own twist on fight
night. At Angola, the entertainment be-
tween fights is provided by kick-dancing
drag queens and effeminate punks. At
Dixon, a prisoner band livens things up
with Delta blues and Queen covers.
Avoyelles welcomes the fighters with a
spread of supermarket delicacies. But
nobody comes for the beefsteak. The
killers, rapists, drug dealers and thieves
are looking for respect—the kind you
earn with fists, nota gun. “You make a
bad showing and those guys will dog you
to death, tell you you're a piece of shit,”
says a pompadoured guard who, like sev-
eral other bystanders, claims to have dis-
covered Etienne. “If you lose you want to
go down in style, fighting hard.”

Inside the twine, each inmate dis-
patches as many uppercuts as he can
manage. There is no duck-and-shuffle,
no rope-a-dope. Some of the prisoners
show more smarts than others, but for

“Times are changing, Wilson. You're going to have to learn
some new tricks.”

the most part it's a free-for-all that ends
with both fighters hugging each other in
grudging admiration or, more likely, re-
lief. Most tell me their induction into
organized boxing came after winning
brawls among the general population.

"The odds of these men boxing profes-
sionally are long, even for those with tal-
ent. Donald “Pepper Red” Sylvas is hop-
ing to win back the homemade light
welterweight belt he says he voluntari-
ly gives up so he has the challenge of
regaining it. “After getting released the
first time, 1 went 21-0 as a pro, against
the hardest fighters you ever saw,” he
says. Asked how he ended up back in the
joint, Pepper Red looks puzzled, as if
he doesn’t understand it himself. “I fell
out with my manager, couldn't get fights.
I got into armed robbery, holding up
banks. I'm here now till 2016. But I want
to get out and go to work for Billy.”

That's Billy Roth, a sharply dressed,
ruddy-faced promoter and trainer who
drives an emerald-green Cadillac and
says he earns his living as a private inves-
tigator He may be the one man who de-
serves credit for grooming Etienne. “I'd
been waiting all my life for somebody
like Clifford,” he tells me at ringside. “I
took care of him while he was in jail—
gave him money, visited him, talked to
him—and I had him come and live with
me. 1 hooked him up.”

Roth is officiating a few bouts, keeping
an eye open for prospects, and telling me
about how treacherous life behind bars
can be. “You can get killed for a pack of
cigarettes,” he says. “You lend somebody
a pack and he has to pay you back two.”
When one promising fighter didn't get
his two packs, he picked up a weight and
slammed a guy in the head. The stunt
cost him three more years on his sen-
tence, as well as his boxing privileges.

A world away, an ex-con cruises New
Orleans in a black Stingray. Rap music
blares from the Rhino's trunk, which is
filled with speakers. We stop at a French
Quarter joint. Everyone in the place
knows Etienne (he and the shucker did
time together), so no one blinks when he
orders a dozen oysters, shrimp etouflée
and a sirloin, all brought to the table at
once. I notice a tiny barbell piercing his
tongue. He talks about building a fine
house in the countryside for his wife and
two young daughters.

1 ask Etienne if his prison experience
has helped him in the ring. “Focus is
everything,” he says. “I learned to focus
in a place where you have men fighting
over seats, guards harassing you, lots of
distractions. If you can get in shape in
prison, you can do it anywhere.” He
smiles. “When I fight now, I know I'll get
paid, win or lose. But prison boxing was
fighting for pride, and a guy who fights
for pride will fight to the death.”

UE GRE.
O DE IK
со uus = x x

Bach |

PLAYBOY

154

sarah silverman

(continued from page 130)
SILVERMAN: My sophomore year I went
with some poor guy. I had no interest.
Cerry and 1 were best friends, and we
were way too cool for the prom by senior
year. Besides, I was in love with my his-
tory teacher. I wasn't interested in any-
body else. He got married early on in my
love for him, which was devastating. It
was a joke at school that I was in love
with him. Everybody knew, and I played
it up, but the truth was that I would cry
myself to sleep over him. 1 had missed
three months of my freshman year. 1 had
no illness, but I went into a deep depres-
sion. Once 1 met him 1 never missed a
day of school again. I would go to school
and say, "Hey, Mr. Berk, how's Mrs.
Berk's health?” I was so impressed that
he was Jewish and Russian and Polish,
just like me. I just couldn't believe it. He
was just totally cool.

PLAYBOY: Ex-boyfriends seem to stay in
your life. Should we read something in-
to this?

SILVERMAN: They're probably my best
friends. The fact that we're sull good
friends is proof that I really loved them.
I was 19 when I lost my virginity, and I
went crazy with sex because that’s what
you do when you first start having sex.
All the sex was with people I still know.
Luckily they're wonderful people. Wom-
en comics tend to go out with guy comics
because they re peers and they re funny
and they can relate. The first time I had

sex I was a professional comic having sex
with a professional comic. All my sexual
experiences were with comics or come-
dy writers. For comics their whole life is
about finding what's funny and laugh-
ing. It’s a common dysfunction that
bonds you in that world. I'd like to go
out with a teacher or someone else, but
they'd have to be funny.

PLAYBOY: Do you share your bed with
your dog?

SILVERMAN: I sleep with him. His name is
Duck. He's like a hot-water bottle. Going
to bed and waking up in the morning
are my favorite times of day because of
him. I speculate he's half pug, half Chi-
huahua. I got him from a shelter. He's a
perfect pet. 1 didn't want to become a
dog person. My sister had a dog first,
and I'd watch her pick up his shit and
found it fucking disgusting. But I'm
aware of my partner's comfort. Duck is
either between us or I can put him on
my side of the bed or by my feet. He
stays anywhere you put him. He will also
not sleep on the bed if I want. He has a
little basket.

PLAYBOY: Americans are great consumers
of antidepressants. As one who's taken a
prescription drug or two over the years,
do you see implications for comedy in
psychopharmacology?

SILVERMAN: À lot of comics fear finding
balance through therapy or antidepres-
sants because they're afraid their source
of comedy is pain. Comics romanticize

“Welcome aboard, Greg! If you stop
by my office this afternoon, ГИ see that you get your employee
hand job . . . uh, handbook!”

their bitterness, their unhappiness and
their self-loathing. I guess some people
can't be funny if they're happy. I under-
stand it, but I can be happy and still find
the source of humor that suits me best.
And I'm happier when I'm funny. If I
weren't on antidepressants Га probably
be avidly against them. I certainly worry
about the long-term effects. I don't know
if it’s appropriate for me to point out,
but my entire immediate family is on an-
tidepressants. There's definitely a chem-
ical imbalance that runs in our family.
My father had a violent temper until he
started taking Zoloft, and now he'sa dif-
ferent man, Гуе also had awful experi-
ences. I had severe depression and pan-
ic attacks when I was 13 or 14, and when
I did Saturday Night Live the panic came
back like a dark cloud. An ex-boyfriend
took good care of me, and I'll always be
gratelul to him. I ultimately hooked up
with someone who put me on Klonopin.
It worked in a day to stop the panic at-
tacks. I ended up getting half the cast
of Saturday Night Live on Klonopin that
year. It really saved us. Then I weaned
myself off it. Now I'm on Zoloft. That's
my drug story. We have great insurance,
thanks to the Screen Actors Guild.

PLAYBOY: We have it on good authority
that comics hold back some of their most
outrageous material. Do you profession-
als have a higher laughter threshold
than the rest of us?

SILVERMAN: To actually laugh we have to
go so much further than anything we
could ever bring into a club. It’s got to be
so awful, you say, “Oh my God, you're
going to hell." And I hope the world
never gets so jaded that people would
actually want to hear it. It's stuff that's
taboo. It's anything racist, anything
about AIDS, anything gay, anything
about cocksucking or about your mother
being a whore. When I was a teenager if
I saw the word pussy in print, I would be
titillated for days. Now it takes fantasy
beyond anything I would want in reali-
ty—a joke about four gay midgets and
a bear—to do anything for me. With
comics that's the way it is. We sit in com-
edy clubs all night long, and even if
someone's funny we just go, "Oh, that's
good." I envy uptight Catholic right-
wingers who are so easily turned on by

any sinful thought.
17

bravuov: You had guest roles on Larry
Sanders and Seinfeld, two shows that have
been acclaimed as television's most liter-
ate. Do you secretly want to jiggle along
with Pamela Anderson on VIP?

SILVERMAN: Larry Sanders was the greatest
show you could ever do. But I did a VIP
last summer, and I swear to God I had a
blast. I love that shit. My agent wasn't
even going to call me about the offer. All

my friends give me shit about it, but I
find Pamela Anderson totally compel-
ling. She’s the executive producer and
she lets things be really loose. She wears
nine-inch heels and I don't know how
she does it. On the show I played a pris-
oner and they get me out because they
think I can lead them to Nero the dia-
mond thief. But instead I take them on
a wild-goose chase. I was definitely a lit-
tle butch, but they made me pretty. In
the prison I wore a white T-shirt with
blue jump pants and I got into fights
with the big sis. And, of course, outside 1
wore these great outfits—cute little tops
and bottoms and giant chunky heels. Im
asking, “Where does my character get
the outfits?” The wardrobe woman just
said, “It's VIP."

PLAYBOY: Does size matter, really?
SILVERMAN: Yes. My rabbi sister is going
to kill me about this, but even she
said that if her husband didn't have
a big dick they would just be friends.
Next question.

PLAYBOY: Would you honor us with a va-
gina monolog?

SILVERMAN: 1 am so obsessed with the
word vagina and vaginas in general that
when we were doing Greg the Bunny 1
would yell “Vagina!” every time we were
about to shoot. I’m sure somebody could
say the obsession comes from wanting
to go back to the womb and the plight
of the female gender, but I'm going
with the fact that it’s art to be interpret-
ed by the viewer, listener or obseryer. Va-
gina is a funny word. Vagina makes me

giggle. Vagina.
20

PLAYBOY: Can you set the word fuck in
the context of American language and
culture?

SILVERMAN: Yesterday my sister Susie and
I were in the car and a woman driver cut
us off and I went, “Fucking cunt!” And
Susie said, "Sarah, don't say the word
fucking.” Then we laughed so hard. I'm
sure that 50 years ago people were
thinking, If everybody says “swell,” then
what are we going to say next? There
might be a certain amount of vacancy in
a lot of lyrics today, but at the same time
you can't have censorship. Limitations
put you in a position to be more creative.
But limitations that make you more cre-
ative don't have to come from censor-
ship. They can come from any kind of
oppression in any part of your life—on a
grand scale, like the great art that comes
from the Holocaust, or on a personal
scale, from the context of your child-

hood or your life.

MUSIC BUZZ

(continued from page 120)

"Don't worry, it won't affect the inter-
view schedule.” I go, “Fuck off. I live 15
blocks from there. I don't care about
rock and roll right now." I had feelings
T've never felt beforc. I still don't know.
what they were. I ran up to my room
and turned on the TV. The phone lines
to the States were completely blocked. I
couldn't get through to my mom. I was
upset and emotional.
PLAYBOY: And now?
ADANS: It's important to be optimistic.
One day I thought, What do 1 normally
do? I go to the corner deli where the guy
never gives me the right fucking sand-
wich but I eat it anyway because I love
him. So I did that. Life is starting to
move forward.
PLAYBOY: Now that you're a critics’ darling,
do you feel more pressure to succeed?
ADAMS: That stuff never lasts. Ripe one
week, sour the next. Doing press has
killed every bit of megalomania I've ever
had. I'm so over myself. I make records
that I'm happy , and if people don't
like them, I'm still proud. When you're
done with a record, it’s like you've built
the biggest house or kissed for the
longest time. You're drained. But I'm
so happy with my last three albums that

I'm beside myself.
PLAYBOY: We've heard rumors about a
new band called the Virgins, featuring.
you, the Lemonheads’ Evan Dando and
the Smashing Pumpkins Melissa Auf
Der Maur and James Iha. Is it true?
ADAMS: We're trying to coordinate it, but
it's hard because we're four people with
erratic schedules, We want to make a
band that's all about love. Like the Grate-
ful Dead on lots of pills. It will be just a
one-record thing. Maybe two.

PLAYBOY: In your liner notes you thank
Alanis Morissette several times. Regard-
ing your ex-girlfriend Winona Ryder,
you wrote, “damn girl.” Would you care
to elaborate?

ADAMS: Í wanted to make Alanis laugh.
She has a great laugh. When I was mak-
ing the record, she gave me pep talks.
І was trying to stretch and write about
who I am and how I feel. Lani’s last two
records were superforthcoming. 1 have
huge respect for how she writes. Winona
is cool, amazing, talented and smart. If
1 talked about her my teeth would rot
out with sweetness. What I wrote wasn't,
like, “You damn girl!” It was more of a
"Dammmmmn, girl. Mmmm.” I should
have put a few extra m's in there. Or may-
be I just should have shut the fuck up.

“Look at the bright side. If I had to have a baby with another
woman, who better than the babysitter?”

155

PLAYBOY

SEX GOD

(continued from page 91)
represented by Z. The number you cor-
rectly share with her

(a) Z+45

(b) Z-15

(d) Z+4, then Z-4, then Z-10, then,
“You mean intercourse or blow jobs?”

(9) Referring once again to question 8,
where Z=16, if you ask Diane the same
question and the answer is Z°—shit, if it's
even Z2—which of the following would
be the correct course of action?

(a) Get your ass to the doctor, pronto.

(b) Leave.

(d) All of the above.

(10) IF M=mi
B-butrerfly, S

ionary, D=doggy style,
spoon and O=her on

top, which of the following sequences of

sexual positions, all executed within the
same coital session, will most efficiently
bring about her orgasm?

(а) М, В, D, $, O

(b) O, M, B

(©) D, D, D

(d) O, O, O

(11) It's New Year's Eve. You've brought
Sloane, your svelte blonde princess, to a
suite at the top of the Four Seasons. Just
when you're both ready to explode, she
pulls away and starts sucking and strok-
ing you like the end of the world is nigh.
What comes next?

(a) Fully digestive swallowing.

(b) Foamy, oozy dribbling.

(d) Oil of Olay facial.

(12) Complete each analogy (match
your fantasy profile with the appropriate
partner. For example: a+b, b+c, etc.):

You: (2) The strapping pool boy with
an atomic bulge in his tight shorts.

(b) The sweaty UPS delivery man.

(d) The quarterback of the varsity af-

ter a tough game.

Your girlfriend: (a) A gorgeous strip-
per from Club Super Sex who takes you
not just back to the VIP room but all the.
way back to your apartment.

(b) The luscious, miniskirted intern
interviewee who keeps crossing and un-
crossing her legs.

(с) The strapping pool boy with an
atomic bulge in his tight shorts.

(d) The leggy, stiletto-heeled sales-
woman in the lingerie section of Nord-
strom who offers you a private modeling
session in the dressing room, and any
other service you might require.

(13) Ши takes Blair, a petite, small-
breasted Floridian publicist with unusu-
ally prominent nipples, X minutes to get
wet by just pinching her nipples lightly,
and if it takes Blair Y minutes to achieve
the same groovability with a nipple pinch
and a lick to her earlobe, which of the
following would result in Blair's getting
swampy in X/Y minutes?

(a) Stroking the underside of her
breasts.

(b) Stroking the inside of her thighs.

(d) Entering her immediately.

(14) You have been dating Julie—a
party-loving, easygoing beauty—for two
months, and now you're spending every
night together. One evening she tells you
she has started her period and has a
slight headache. What do you do?

(a) Head back to your place to hang
with your friends, knowing she appreci-
ates your appreciation of a good time
and will be looking forward to seeing
you tomorrow.

(b) Spoon her gently while trying to
slip it in, and back off when she nudges
you away.

(d) Throw a large bath towel on the
bed and tell her to ready herself.

(15) What a stud! You've been ram-
ming away for 50 minutes with Cindy,

the slightly slutty friend of your older
sister, but she still hasn't come. At this
point you:

(a) Take a breath, give her deep kisses
and thrust slowly and gently.

(b) Explode all over her belly, wipe off
and get right back to it.

(d) Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop
(for at least another 50).

(6) Things are getting sexually re-
dundant with the love of your life—long,
tall Kerry with the wonderfully waxed
vaginal lips. She protests wearing lin-
gerie to bed every night. You're active,
but it scems every night it’s blow job,
cunnilingus, doggy style, then mission-
ary to finish. What's the best way to mix
things up?

(a) Talk to her about pulling another
threesome with her short, feisty friend
Amanda.

(b) Buy her a new dildo.

(d) Suggest a refreshing mutual mas-
turbation session where you can talk
about how nice it was to have pulled a
threesome with her short, feisty friend
Amanda.

"TRUE OR FALSE (Time limit for this sec-
tion: five minutes.)

(17) The nipple is the nubby part, the
areola is the flat circle aroun TT or E.

(18) Vaseline is an appropriate lubri-
cant for anal sex. T or F.

(19) Taint is a slang term Юг perineum.
TorE

(20) The sacral dimples are the slight
indentations on the insides of her upper
thighs. Tor E

(21) The G spot is a spongy mass of tis-
sue on the inner vaginal wall that most
women ask you to please stop touching.
Tork.

(22) There are more nerve endings
inside the vagina than in the vaginal lips.
Tork.

PLAYBOY TV's

Premieres March 4
at 10pm ET/7pm PT

TV hits America's heartland in a

continuing quest to unveil the country's
wildest clubs and most scintillating
runway talent. Clear your calendar for a
last-minute flight as these Midwestern
beauties win more than just your heart.
Hosted by Crystal Knight.

StripSearch airs
Mondays at 10 pm ET/ PT

B
" For program information go to:

VACA O ST

158

A PLAYBOY ¥

Их

To order by mall, ра
PLAYEOY
Р.О. Box 809
Source Code 02324
Itasca, Illinois 60143-0608
idling charge

send check or money order to:

Release

NEW

From PLAYBOY Home Video

Roommates vts or ovo

When these gregarious girlfriends
decided to move in together, they
pledged to share much more than
just the expenses! See them act out
your steamiest fantasies about the
private pleasures that are exchanged
in ladies-only living arrangements!
Your choice, only $19.98.

ЖҮР PA1981DVD

MIS PA1981V

Starring seven sultry Playmates!
Kristi Cline, Miss September 1999
Laura Cover, Miss October 1998
Jami Ferrell, Miss January 1997
Miriam Gonzalez, Miss March 2001
Jennifer Rovero, Miss July 1999
Neferteri Shepherd, Miss July 2000
Shannon Stewart, Miss June 2000

Also sys at. SUNCOAST

Source Code 02324
800-423-9494
www.playboystore.com

Most major

er total ordar, Illinois

orders accapled.)

ORDER ONLINE
‘wwe playboysiore.com

ORDER TOLL-FREE 900-423-9194
ORDER BY

(23) All straight women are turned off
by gay male porn. T or F.

Answers: Give yourself the corre-
sponding points for each answer.

Question 1: A, -2 (You fool!) B, 15 (It's
a risky strategy that pays off more often
than not.) C, 5 (A safe bet. You know
you'll get laid, it’s just a matter of when.)
D, 0 (Nice guys never get nookie.)

Question 2: A, 0 (You fool!) B, 5 (A finc
answer, but one that makes you seem
more like a girlfriend than a man. And if
you start a romance, you'll have a lot of
explaining to do when you break out the
porn tapes.) C, 10 (You're a man of the
world, with sensibilities compatible with
hers.) D, 0 (Yes, women like a funny guy.
But not that funny.)

Question 3: A, 0 (-15 if you answered
B to question 1. You are an animal, not a
sex god.) B, 2 (A no-brainer.)

Question 4: A, 5 (7 if you dated female
jocks.) В, 7 (Even à
thong, she'll be wearing it.) C, 0 (
went to Brown, Amherst, Oberlin, Sarah
Lawrence or Bennington.) D, 0 (3 if you
went to Berkeley; 7 if you went to Co-
lumbia and Talisa's real name was Hank.)

Question 5: A, 8 (The most likely sce-
nario given the limited information
above.) B, 5 (It's possible, but only after
lots of negotiation and support—" You'll
look beautiful, we'll burn the negatives,
etc.") C, 2 (If she was going gyno on
“dirty,” she would have gone topless on
“sexy.”) D, 10 (Now there's a dirty girl—
she won't drop top for anything smaller
than a Hasselblad.)

Question 6: A, 0 (This ain't a giggle-
fest, which is the only outcome of kissing
bellies and tickling knees.) B, 5 (Why
not? Some girls like tongue fucking.) C,
6 (Fine for the finale.) D, 0 (Impossible
for anyone except a three-armed yogi or
Wilt Chamberlain.)

Question 7: A, 5 (It's a rare woman
who won't entertain the idea; it's a rare
woman who will go through with it—but
she knows it gives you something oth-
er than her ass crack to shoot for) B, 0
(Take a cold shower, bub. Hell, take a hot
shower—you're still not getting a rim
job.) C, 3 (Most women will do it once in
their lives.) D, 0 (Yes, she'd have to be
naked, and no, she wouldn't do it.)

Question 8: A, -10 (You're an idiot.) B,
0 (It's the right idea to lowball it, but un-
less you got off seven times and she nev-
er did, you'll never getaway with it.) C, 5
(As much as we hate to admit it, honesty
is the best policy—and only because your
initial lie will trip you up in the future.
She should be able to deal with any num-
ber under 20.) D, - 10 (You're worse than
the guy who answered A.)

Question 9: A, 2 (A trick question. We
know you used condoms, so no worries,
right? And we know you wouldn't tell
her your plan—that would be unseem-
ly.) B, 0 (You wimp.) C, 0 (You lout.) D,
—2 (You unseemly, wimpy lout.)

Question 10: A, 0 (Running through
the zodiac of positions pleases only you.
Contemporary women, while g to
do it all, will quickly tire of your wanna-
be-porn-star ways.) B, 0 (Do you even
know what the butterfly position is? We
sure don't.) C, 4 (Frees up your hands
and maybe one of hers, though she may
prefer face-to-face contact.) D, 6 (Other
than a modified missionary, this has the
most potential to please her.)

Question 11: A, 10 (It's New Year's
Eve, after all, and she knows it.) B. 4
(Standard procedure, and the Four Sea-
sons demands better.) C, 7 (Something
special and kinky; more likely if you
had a big meal earlier.) D, 0 (We know
Sloane, and she doesn't like the way it
makes her eyes sting.)

Question 19: Five points for any four
combinations (whatever turns you on).

Question 13: A, 1 (Couldn't hurt, but
you're not adding much to the nipple
pinching.) B, 5 (By adding another erog-
enous zone to the list, you should be able
to enhance her arousal.) C, 1 (Not add-
ing much to the car licking.) D, 4 (Go for
it! Blair sounds pretty fucking hot!)

Question 14: A, 0 (No, no, bad move
to abandon her while she fecls lousy.) B,
5 (Yes, this is the right move—letting her
know she's still desirable even in the
worst conditions and that you're sensi-
tive enough to back off.) C, 0 (1175 not
your honeymoon—she won't enjoy your
duplicity in trying to ease her into sex.
1f she wants to have sex—and some
women love period sex—she'll pull her
own bath.) D, -2 (Muy macho. Too muy
macho.)

Question 15: A, 2 (She's probably feel-
ing pressure to reach orgasm. While this
is a worthy move after 10 minutes, it
might not do the trick here.) B, | (No
cheating—you’re either lying or taking
Viagra. Either way, this won't get her
off.) C, 10 (Bingo. It's more important
for her to get you off than to get off her-
self, She may not take you up on the of-
fer, but she'll admire it.) D, 0 (Go home
and throw away all your porn tapes.)

Question 16: A, 1 (“What, you're not
satisfied with our sex life?”) B, 1 ("What
makes you think I need this? And why
isn't it larger?") C, 2 (“Maybe someday,
but not with Bob.") D, 6 (“We should do
that more often!"

True or False: Five points for cach cor-
rect answer.

17, TE VER PE O RIE 2l. LINE
23E

Legend

128-144: Yes, you are a sex god. 111-
127: A good lover but not a crowd pleas-
er. 81-110: Hey, at least you're getting
off. 51-80: There are other things in life
besides being loved by the ladies. We just
don't know of any yet. 0-50: Go back to
reading Maxim.

get bold

(continued from page 82)
interrupting and noticed that she had
some bags. I asked her what she'd been
shopping for.” This began a surprisingly
intimate conversation. The girl was 26,
bisexual and having a nasty fight with
her girlfriend. “She said she was on her
way to see a movie by herself,” Jim says.
“So I offered to go with her, and we
walked to the theater to see what was
showing. In front of the theater were
some benches where we sat down and
hung out.” Jim started rubbing the
girl's shoulders. "She said, “That feels
great,’ and then I asked if we could go
someplace where I could give her a re-
al massage.” Jim and the lady checked
back into his hotel and, as he put it,
“two hours after walking into a Taco Bell,
I was banging the beans out of some
stranger on the balcony.” Later she told
him she didn’t normally do that type of
thing, but that the timing was right.

“Everything is about timing," Jim says.
“If I had just asked for her number, 1
don't think Га have seen her again.” A
weck later, Jim and the girl flew to Las
Vegas. “We went to a strip club so she
could try to pick up a girl,” he says.

(3) Feign sexual disinterest, Adam Glass is
a Hollywood screenwriter who, like me,
grew up about 30 miles from Manhattan
and 40 miles from good-looking. At a
party several years ago, he flirted his eye-
brows off with Jane, a beautiful blonde

who came from money. She was polite to
him, but nothing more. He downed sev-
eral Buds for inspiration, then left when
she did, hoping to score points during
the walk. “I asked her where she grew
up and where she went to school,” Ad-
am says. “Out of nowhere, she turned
around and said, ‘Look, I just got out of
a relationship.” (This is female code for
“Your approach has not worked. I have
already decided I will never sleep with
you.”) Adam lashed back, or at least the
Budweiser did. “First of all, I was not hit-
ting on you,” he lied. “You seemed like a
nice person and I was just trying to have
a conversation. And to be honest, you're
not my type.” His assertiveness struck
Jane. “She apologized,” Adam remem-
bers. “She said she gets hit on all the
time. She and her friends were about
to jump into a cab, and she invited me
along.” Adam politely declined, walking
down to the subway, “So I'm waiting for
the train, and guess who comes running
down?” he reports. Adam spent the rest
of the weekend having sex with the
beautiful blonde in a penthouse over-
looking Central Park.

(4) Playfully insult. If the previous ap-
proaches get you nowhere fast, your in-
tended may have low self-esteem: She
thinks something is wrong with any guy
who's interested in her. This calls for a
more creative approach. My friend Rick
Yanko, an actor, told me how he'd nailed
a gorgeous woman who dined regularly
with her boyfriend at the New York City

"The good neus is, you won't have to make the trip anymore.
I'm setting up a website."

159

HOW

Below is a list of retailers and
manufacturers you can con-
tact for information on where
to find this month's mer-
chandise. To buy the apparel
and equipment shown on pag-
es 32, 47-48, 84-89, 92-
93 and 167, check the listings
below to find the stores near-
est you.

WIRED

Page 32: “Rock Star 101”:
Software by Inside Ses-
sions, insidesessions.com. “A Better
Look at Britney": Video technology by
Enroute, fpvideo.com. “Game of the
Month”: Software by Sega, sega.com.
“Wild Thing”: Amplifier by Fender,
fender.com.

MANTRACK

Page 47: "Finding the G Spot": Sport
utility vehicle by Mercedes-Benz, mb.
usa.com. "Swing Is King": Calla-
way clubs, 800-228-2767. Page 48:
“Dessert Storm": Book by Renaissance
Books, 323-939-1840. “Night Moves:
Charleston”: Library at Vendue, 843-723-
0485. Cypress Lowcountry Grille, 843-727-
0111. High Cotton, 843-724-3815.
Charleston Grill, 843-577-4599. Circa
1886, 843-853-7828. Music Farn, 843-
722-8904. Henry's Bar and Restaurant,
843-723-4363. Mitchell’, 843-997-0800.
Club Habana, 843-853-5900. "Guys
Are Talking About": Wine from Click
Imports, 206-443-1996 or Fatbastard
wine.com. Book from Paladin Press,
800-392-2400 or paladinpress.com.
Book by Taunton Press, 800-926-8776 or
taunton.com.

DRESSED TO KILL

Pages 84-85: Suit, shirts, ties and belt
by David Cenci, 800-528-2515. Shirt, tie
and suit by Giorgio Armani, giorgioar
mani.com. Suit, shirt and tie by John
Varvatos, 212-965-0700. Belt by Thier-
ту Mugler, thierrymugler.com. Suit by
Canali, canali.it. Suit, shirt and tie by
Kiton, kiton.it. Dress by Heatherette,
heatherette.com. Rings by Agatha, 800-
242-8497, Bathing suit, tube top and

BUY

glove by David Dalrymple
jor House of Field, patricia
field.com. Earrings by
Noir, 212-966-6868. Pag-
es 86-87: Sports jacket,
trousers and shirt by Er-
nenegildo Zegna, zegna.
com. Tie by Tommy Ba-
hama, tommybahama.
com. Watch by Hamilton,
hamiltonwatch.com.
Shirt, jacket, pants and
belt by Thierry Mugler,
thierrymugler.com. Shoes
by Gordon Rush, gordonrush.com.
Watch by Rolex, rolex.com. Suit, shirt
and tie by Hugo Boss, 800-HUGO-BOSS.
Tube top and pants by Fausto Puglisi,
212-334-3859. Bikini by Christina Stott,
at Mixona, 646-613-0100, Body chain
by Manon at Barneys New York, bar
neys.com. Pages 88-89. Tuxedos, suit,
shirts and ties by Giorgio Armani, gior
gioarmani.com. Tuxedo, shirt and bow
tie by Brioni, brioni,com. Tuxedo, shirts
and tie by Hugo Boss, 800-HUGO-BOSS.
Hotpants by Benjamin Cho, 917-606-
0683. Jewelry and belt by Noir, 212-
966-6868. Shoes by Jimmy Choo, jimmy
choo.com. Dress by Colette Dinnigan,
colettedinnigan.com.au. Brassiere and
panties by Victoria's Secret, victoriasse
cret.com. Earrings by Ileana Makri at
Borealis New York City, 917-237-0152.

ZZZOWIE

Pages 92-93: Cars: Nissan, nissan
driven.com. Acura, acura.com. Toyota,
toyota.com. Mercedes-Benz, mbusa.com.
Cadillac, cadillac.com. BMW, bmwusa.
com. Audi, audi.com. Suzuki, suzuki.
com. Subaru, subaru.com. Lincoln,
lincolnvehicles.com. Volvo, new.volvo
cars.com.

ON THE SCENE

Page 167: “Wired for Spring Break”:
Instant camera by Polaroid, 800-343-
5000. GPS system by Magellan, 800-
659-4477. Communicator by Motorola,
motorola.com. MP3 player by First In-
ternational Digital, myirock.com. Binoc-
ulars by Steiner, from Pioneer Research
800-257-7742.

restaurant where he once tended bar.
“A lot of other guys hit on her,” Rick re-
members. “They told her she was beau-
tiful, and her boyfriend didn’t seem to
mind. But 1 decided to be different.”
Rick's strategy was to call the girl by the
wrong name—a different one cach time
they conversed. “I knew it bugged her,
because after two weeks her boyfriend
said she was really upset that I kept call-
ing her by the wrong name,” says Rick,
who apologized and said it wouldn't
happen again. When Elaine joined her
boyfriend later that evening, Rick made
sure he was busy. He then called her
Helen, the closest he had ever come to
her correct name. She seethed. “One
night she showed up at 3:30 a M. when
her boyfriend was out of town for the
weekend. We went to her place,” Rick
says. “I called her by the right name
when she had me in her mouth.”

(5) Limit your drinks. This is one 1
learned on my first date with Monica. In
the cab en route, I downed a foamy six-
pack to summon the person I thought
she really wanted to be with: 13-sake
Corey. It came in especially handy when
the waiter started messing with me dur-
ing dinner. “This is an excellent vi
tage,” he said, cradling a $200 red. This
guy looked like a member of 'N Sync,
and he clearly felt that someone like him
should be dating Monica, not someone
like me. I grabbed the wine list, tapping
into that brain center with the match-
book notes. "I've tried that and find it a
little acrid,” I said, with a wine experi-
ence ranging from Boone's Farm in col-
lege to Manischewitz at Passover. "In-
stead, can you bring us the. . . .” My eyes
raced to find the first $40 bottle. I had
gotten the best of the waiter (luckily, he
didn't challenge me to a dance-off). But
the wonders of being crocked in the
company of a hot model extend only to a
certain point. Monica and I reached that
point back at her place. After glugging
yet more wine we looked at her model-
ing portfolio. She showed me her head
shots, and I fully intended to show her
one of mine. But after the taste of toes,
the next memory I have is (oh, the inhu-
manity!) the sound of a vibrator.

It’s entirely possible that my lost de-
tails include making Monica soar more
than sore—and that’s exactly how it's
gone during the hundreds of subse-
quent fantasy trips I've taken back to
those pink bedsheets. If I can't seem to
recall actual specifics, it’s not for lack of
trying. The point is, J got there and
would have gone there again had not my
relationship with Monica disintegrat-
ed as soon as I left town. And anyway,
what's the fun of hearing about some-
one else's sweat-soaked memories? You
probably want to go out and get some

of your own.

For frank and fresh answers to
your prohing questions, tune in to
the live talk show that dares to
get the naked truth. Hosted by Jul
Ashten and Tiffany Granath.

For program information po to:

ZZZOME

(continued from page 92)

Designed in Nissan's California styling
studios, the 2003 3507, borrows several
cues from its predecessors. If you're a
student of the marque, you'll recognize
the tight horizontal grille, razor-edged
lights, humped roof and tightly tucked
tail of past Zs. But the new coupe avoids
retro styling. Instead, it's a modern in-
terpretation of the original. Design de-
tails abound, highlighted by the triangu-
lar taillights and vertical geomechanical
door handles. Wide doors curve grace-
fully into the rocker panels. Across the
decklid, there’s a hint of a spoiler. You'll
need it if you get close to the 350Z's top
speed of 155 miles per hour.

‘The heart of the new Z is a 3.5-liter,
24-valve V6 with a rigid aluminum cyl-
inder block and decp-breathing port
heads. Continuously variable valve tim-
ing control ensures meaty torque for
city driving and high revs for passing
maneuvers. Quick-responding rack-and-
pinion steering, a front-engine/rear-
drive configuration with nearly perfect
52/48 weight distribution, an exception-
ally wide track and race-inspired, multi-
link suspension guarantee that the new
Z gives as good as it looks.

"Though it's immediately recognizable
as a Z descendant, the two-seat 3502 is
contemporary and eye-catching. Official
figures haven't been released, but it's
estimated the 350Z will sprint to 60 in
six seconds. It should be in showrooms
by midsummer, available in five mod-
els: enthusiasts (two variations), perfor
mance, touring and track. Both enthu-
siasts are priced under $30,000. The
top-of-the-line track model goes for ap-
proximately $34,000 and features front
and rear spoilers, 18-inch lightweight
aluminum wheels, vented Brembo high-
performance brakes and all kinds of
other good stuff (including xenon head-
lamps as well as race-inspired aluminum
pedals). One cloth interior color—car-
bon—and three colors in leather—char-
coal, orange and frost—are offered.

ALSO ON THE ROAD

Are you looking for an affordable sports
2+2? The Acura RSX Type-S boasts up-
graded brakes, suspension and steering,
а 200-hp, high-revving (try 7900 rpm!)
twin-cam four, a six-speed gearbox and
remarkable handling for a small front-
wheel-drive car. It costs about $24,000.

‘Toyota just redesigned its sales-lead-
ing Camry, but Nissan's stylish Altima
is more than a match. Bigger, roomi-
er, with independent suspension and
an optional 240-hp V6, the $24,000 Alti-
ma 3.5SE is one reason behind Nissan's
strong comeback

After a dozen years, Mercedes-Benz

| Over —
60% Off !

quality condoms with discreet, directto-
your door delivery.

Our deluxe 75 condom collection offers you the unique
luxury of trying over 14 world-ciasa condom brands
including Gold Circle Coins, Saxon Gold, Trojan,
Lifestyles, Prime, plus some of the finest Japanese
brends.

As a special introductory offer, you can get the Super
75 Collection (a tull $29.95 value if purchased indi-
vidually) for ONLY $9.95. That's a savings of over 60%!
Or try our 38 Condom Sampler for only $595. Use the
coupon below to claim your savings now!

Adam & Eve's condoms and service are the best
lable anywhere, or we'll refund your money
in full, no questions asked,

Credit Card Customers Call
с. 1-800-274-0333

Kin 24 Hours A Day | 7 Days À Week
E. visit www.condomstore.com

Te
Adam & Eve [ Dept РВ2В4 ] Р.О.Вох 900, Carrboro, NC 27510
[ YES! Please rash my CONDOM COLLECTION in
plain packaging under your money-back guarantee.
cones ти
#5554 Super 75 Collection
46623 38 Condom Collection $59

| SATISFACTION Postage & Handling _ $3.00
¦ GUARANTEED! RUSH Processing - $2.00

i TOTAL

1 adress

PLAYBOY

has revamped its SL500 roadster—and
what a difference a decade makes. As
you'd expect from an $86,000 M-B, elec-
tronic features abound, including a met-
al top that folds out of sight in 16 sec-
onds, a pop-up roll bar and an optional
leveling system that eliminates lean in
high-speed cornering. The power plant
is a 302-hp, 5-liter V8 coupled to a five-
speed automatic transmission that can
also be manually shifted. We drove the
SL500 outside Phoenix and marveled at
how its electronic suspension stabilized
the car in turns that would have left less-
er vehicles in the bushes.

Anyone who thinks Cadillacs are for
the 70-to-dead crowd should drive the
new 2003 CTS sedan. Developed on Ger-
many's twisty Nürburgring racetrack,

this boldly styled Gaddy is priced in the
low $30,000s (the cost ofa BMW 3-Series
or the Audi A4 3.0 Quattro), but it's the
size of a 5-Series BMW. The brakes are
four-wheel discs, and traction control is
standard. Even if you opt for 17-inch
wheels and the Stabilitrak antiskid sys-
tem, you'll pay thousands less than you
would for a BMW 530i.

Most SUVs come with a warning label,
urging drivers not to risk a tipover with
aggressive cornering. They're a lot more
utility than sport. But not BMW's X5.
This South Carolina-built cruiser is
available in your choice of three models:
a practical 225-hp six cylinder, a 290-hp
V8 and the newest, quickest version—
the 4.6is that boasts a 347-hp V8, up-
graded suspension, enormous tires on

м @

“It’s all right, sir. In exchange for ratting on
his friends in the Mob, this gentleman is authorized to commit
relatively benign crimes.”

20-inch wheels, 14-inch front disc brakes
(they're the biggest brakes on any BMW)
and an optional easy-to-use navigation
system. With a 150-mph top end, its one
of the fastest SUVs you can buy. With a
zero-to-60 time of just 6.2 seconds, you'll
swear that you're driving a BMW M5 se-
dan. Price: about $67,000.

PARKED IN DAVE'S GARAGE

Audi TT roadster: We've loved the TT
coupe ever since we drove it in Texas a
few years ago. Even the better-safe-than-
sorry spoiler that was added as an after-
thought didn't dampen our enthusiasm
for the coupe's egg-shaped looks and
Auto Union styling. The roadster retains
much of that appeal, but we still pre-
fer the style as a coupe. The tucked-
away seats and the narrow side windows
make you feel as though you’ve slipped
into a custom-made suit. Of course, if
you're the size of Shaquille O'Neal, buy
the roadster and invest in a pair of rac-
ing goggles.

Suzuki Grand Vitara JLX: The only
options on our test car were $500 ABS
and $75 floor mats. But for just under
$22,000, you get a 2.5-liter V6 four-
speed automatic with four-wheel drive
and a two-speed transfer case that you
can shift on the fly; extras include cruise,
air and heated mirrors, though no heat-
ed seats, alas. The spare tire is full size—
a feature we applaud after experiencing
arash of flat tires in test cars with dough-
nut spares. The Grand Vitara is a good
value and worthy of a test drive if you're
in the market for a small SUV.

Subaru Legacy Outback H6-3.0 L.L.
Bean Edition: Maybe the rich two-toned
leather interior and the sleek leather-
and-wood Momosteering wheel clouded
our thinking, but the Outback's steering
felt silky and seamless. Store-branded
special-edition cars often deliver less for
the money. Not this Subaru. In fact, we
liked the L.L. Bean edition so much we
almost took up bass fishing.

Lincoln LS: This competent sedan offers
an excellent suspension but somewhat
bland styling. We would call it a “going
South” car. South meaning your golden
years in Florida. A few more ponies un-
der the hood would have helped im-
prove our motoring mood, but maybe
next year. For roughly the same amount
of money (about $35,000), we preferred
the Volvo S60 AWD. Our model was a
front-wheel-drive five-speed with over-
drive automatic, electronically con-
trolled all-wheel-drive and four-wheel
traction control. The last feature did not
come in handy because of the wimp win-
ter we enjoyed, but its nice to know it
was there. Rear vision was seriously re-
stricted when the backseat headrests
were raised, but that is a small price to
pay for what is otherwise a stylish, fun-
to-drive car. — DAVID STEVENS

Grab a Bic lighter and wave it in
the air, because sexnrocknroll.com,
created by Miss April 1996 Gillian Bon-
ner and PLAYBOY, offers a virtual back-
stage pass to your favorite rock

shows. “When we launched the site,
in May 2000, our purpose was two-
fold,” Gillian says. “We wanted to
show rock stars and Playmates hang-
ing out, partying and engaging in fun

u 7 TE TI

activities that the average person may
never get to experience. We knew we
could accomplish that on the webin a
more hard-hitting way than we could
on television. We also wanted to ex-
pose the PLAYBOY brand and lifestyle
toa young, edgy audience. I'm hap-
py to say we have accomplished
both.” The site features bios, ar-
ticles, downloads and photos of
rock acts, from virtual unknowns
to multiplatinum names. So far,
Gillian's eye has been right on.

“We've built a solid reputation as

tastemakers," she says.

“Several groups we highlight-
ed as breaking acts went on to
become superstars, including
Papa Roach, Incubus, Godsmack and
Nickelback. I'm always looking for a
killer rock band.” Sexnrocknroll.com
is overseen by Gillian's production
company, Black Dragon (blackdrag

on.com), which recently completed

ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT

35 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH
The schoolgi

esque Centerfold
of Miss April 1967
Gwen Wong has #
staying power. In
1992 Madonna
and Sex photog-
rapher Steven
Meisel re-created
the image in Van-
ily Fair. Today, it
remains one of
our readers’
best-loved pos-
es. Gwen came
to our atten-
tion when she
signed up to
wear a cottontail

at the Los Angeles Playboy Club.
Later, she joined the elite corps
of Jet Bunnies who flew with Hef
on the Big Bunny to Europe and

Africa. "1 saw places and things
I never thought I would see,”
Gwen said. We can only imagine.

media content for Rob Zombie, Pud-
dle of Mudd, Iggy Pop and Marilyn
Manson. What's up next? Sexnhip
hop.com.

As the lead story indicoles, Playmates and rock stars always seem to be hanging

ош at the same places. See for yourself. Clockwise from top left: Motley Crue lead

singer Vince Neil with Ava Fabian at the Mansion; Stephanie Heinrich parties with
former Van Halen front man David Lee Roth;
Pamela Anderson with the Pretenders’ Chrissie
Hynde and Paul McCartney at the PETA Human-
itarion Awards; the Dahm triplets, who starred
оз Alice Cooper's daughters in the pilot for the
show Scaryfales; Pomela ond Shakira backstage
on TRL; Jennifer Walcott SED GS

want rather than what someone tells
me 10 do.

Q: What's your poison?

A: Champagne or

Marilyn Monroe is my favorite Bud Light.
Playmate because she was Q: Whats the worst
both flirtatious and pickup line?

A: Is that a mirror
in your pocket, or is
it me in your pants?
Q: Is there anything
difficult about Play-
mate life?

A: You have to make
sure you look your best when you're
out in public. You never know what
might happen.

Q: What do you rock out to?

demure. Hers was a
time when you did
not bare all, and it
was sexier.

Our first
Sweethea
of the
Month.

We shot a series of quick questions
at Cyber Girl turned Playmate Steph-
anie Heinrich. Here are her rapid-
fire answers.

Q: What's your passion?
A: Living my life and doing what I

April 4: Miss August 1986
Ava Fabian

April 11: Miss August 1962
‘Jan Roberts

April 13: Miss June 1976
Debra Peterson

A: I love the Rolling Stones.
Q: How do you cut loose?

À: Get naked and go swimming.

Q: What word would not describe you?

April 28: Miss May 1989
Monique Noel On Whee

April 30: Miss May 1998 : Snob.
Deanna Brooks

Q: Do you have any good sex tips?
A: Romance is key.

PAM ROCKS KID'S WORLD

One of the perks of the actress-rock
star hookup is that when the rock star
needs to find a beautiful woman to make
a cameo in his latest
music video, he need
only roll over. The
musician: Kid Rock.
The babe: Pamela
Anderson. The show:
MTV's Making the
Video, featuring the
metal-rock ditty
Forever. The city:
Detroit, Michigan.
While Rock thrashes
around in various over-the-
top red-white-and-blue get-
ups and high-fives a crowd of
hometown fans, a similarly
clad Pamela sits on a motorcy-
cle looking cute. It's not Ku-
brick, but thanks, MTV, for
the heavy rotation.

PLAYMATE NEWS

PLAYMATE GOSSIP

Operation Playmate Online is
Teceiving about 100 e-mails a day
from members of our armed
forces, as well as their families.

The autographed Heather
Kozar photo below ex-
plains why. .. . Lisa Der-
gan is co-hosting the
game show Smush on
(2^. the USA Network. .
Priscilla Taylor's busy
work schedule has included a
Mustang Jeans print ad, a paran
A View From the
Top with Gwyn-
Er ee
Christina Apple-
gate, a role in
the film Larceny
with Andy Dick
and Tyra Banks

va Lounge and

Wager... .
Look for Stacy
Fuson in a Do-
ritos commer-

HEATHER Kozan

spot for Budweiser.
Michelle Hill, Daphnee Du-
plaix, Vanessa Gleason and Iri-

cover of Suerve's premiere issue.
Itsa youth-targeted supplement
to the men’s fashion trade jour-
nal DNR. . . . Irina Voronina has
а part in the FX movie Big Shot:
Confessions of a Campus Bookie.

A big smooch to Carrie Stevens,
who recently gaye birth to her
first child, Jason. . . . Stephanie
Heinrich, Miriam Gonzalez,
Lorrie Menconi and Charlotte
Kemp rode in a Veterans Day
parade sponsored by the Greater

P Diddy ond Jenny ga
Los Angeles VA Healthcare Sys-
tem. ... When Jenny McCarthy
and P. ‘Diddy hosted the Ameri-
can Music Awards, rockers every-
where tuned in.

“We're celebrating the end of winter with a flurry of dancing, plowing and planting;

for some reason it’s called spring break!

N—

GEORGE GEORGIOU

the

scene

WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN

WIRED FOR SPRING BREAK

here are only a few rules regarding spring-break gear. First
think cheap. Don't bring anything that would cost a lot to re-

Polaroid's new Mio makes wallet-size prints. It weighs about 12
ounces, so you can pack it in your shorts when you head for the

place. Second, avoid gadgets you can't operate with a seri- sand. Wander too far down the beach after midnight and you
ous buzz on. Otherwise, anything yoes—and if it adds some- might not be able to find your way home. Magellan's Meridian
thing to the party atmosphere, all the better. A pair of binoculars is Gold GPS unit has an easy-to-read screen that can guide you back
a must for bikini watching. Steiner's pocket-size 8x22 Predators o any fixed location—such as that dub with all the girls. It stores

are lightweight and collapsible and have green-tinted lenses that up to 20 routes and 500 way points.

— JASON BUHRMESTER

filter out haze and foliage. Motorola's V200 personal com-

municator can send and receive e-mail and text messages
when you can't talk (say, in a loud club) and operates as a
cell phone when you need to call home for more dough

_ AL

Left: Polaroid's Mio is an
instant camera that prints

business-card-size photo-
graphs. It has a 60mm lens,
built-in flash and fixed focus
($100). Below left: Prepro-
gram round-trip routes from
your hotel to the beach or
the hottest bar into Magel-
lan's Meridian Gold hand-
held GPS and you'll know
the way home, no matter
what your state of mind
($339). Below right: The Mo-
torola V200 communicator
($300) uses a feature that
lets you replace prefixes
with numbers and drop
vowels from words to make
text messaging a lot faster.

Above: The irock 520 MP3 player ($100) by First International Digital is smaller than a deck of cards and comes with 64 MB of memory. Add
64 MB more with a memory card and you'll have an entire day's worth of digital music while you soak up sun. Above top: Use Steiner's Preda-
tor 8x22 binoculars ($150) to scope a good spot on the beach from your balcony. Their close-range focus is nine feet.

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 160

167

р.
A (rated Wok.

Short \ \
15 Sweet ?
RACHELLE
SHORT ap-
peared in Tiger-
land nude, in a
Nascar commer-
cial and on The
Tonight Show. In
Grapevine she
goes for an

Costa Living It Up
NIKKA COSTA knows notes. When she was five she sang
on a song produced by her father, Don, but she doesn’t
need a family connection now. Listen to Everybody Got
Their Something. Then check out her vest in the Like a
Feather video. Nikka is grown.

Tara’s a

Shoe-In

TARA HABERMEHL's Beauties West of
Eden 2002 calendar is still available,
as are the Baywatch reruns in which
she frolics in the sand—barefoot.

Even Cowgirls
Get the Blues

Everybody loves LUCINDA
WILLIAMS now, and we'll
drink to that. Essence and
Car Wheels on a Gravel
Road have brought critical
hoopla, Grammys and gold

records. Hats off to her.

We See London,
We See France
We see RACHEL ROBERTSON
lose her pants. Budweiser girl,
catalog model and Nash Bridges
crowd pleaser, Rachel has hard-
ware in soft places.

The Ozzman Cometh
There's Billboard gold in OZZY OSBOURNE's
Down to Earth. The Merry Mayhem tour sur-
vived his stress fracture. Now alll he needs is
а good manicurist.

The Breast of Shelby

SHELBY LYNNE’s overnight success was 10
years in the making, but her latest CD, Love,
Shelby, was worth the wait. Did you catch her
on The Chris Isaak Show?

Motpourri

THE PARTY NEVER ENDS

Back in 2000, Playboy joined Astralwerks
and Virgin Records to release the CD A
Night at the Playboy Mansion, featuring
Dimitri from Paris’ funky mix of sounds.
Now Dimitri is back with a two-CD set,
After the Playboy Mansion. The music on
one CD is for dancing; the second CD is
a laid-back mix of tunes for romantic mo-
ments. Price: about $22, in record shops
or from playboystore.com.

aller
the Playboy
Mansion =

STICK ‘EM AND LICK 'EM

Candy Tattoos bring a whole new meaning to the expression candy ass.
Sixteen themes are available, including sports, a target, footprints, ce-
lestial (sun, moon and stars), wild animals and bugs. For the spiritual-
ly inclined, there are oriental symbols for fire, metal, earth, wood and
water. Five packages cost $22 at Tom and Sally's Handmade Choco-
lates, 55 Elliot Street in Brattleboro, Vermont, You can also order
online (tomandsallys.com) or call 800-827-0800. By the way, Candy
‘Tattoos smear easily, but that's half the fun.

SOMETHING SILLY

If you own Mickey Mantle’s rookie year
baseball card, you probably won't be into
Silly CDs. In fact, they're not CDs at all
but trading cards that parody covers of
CDs, with titles like У Stink and Moronna.
Artists Jay Lynch and John Pound creat-
ed the parodies, most of which involve
bodily functions. A pack of five cards
costs about $2. Go to sillycds.com for
more information

BAG FOR BIKERS

Don't you just hate reaching into the trunk to haul out the clubs? Final-
ly there's an alternative: a golf bag you can carry backpack-style aboard
a bicycle or motorcycle. To ensure perfect balance, CaddyPac's presi-
dent, Craig Hufnagel, advises you to divide your clubs evenly between
the two halves of the bag. Pack your shoes into the two pouches at the
bottom of the Caddy Pac, then slip the adjustable straps over your

170 shoulders and you're ready to ride. Price: $99, from CaddyPac com.

HUMPING IT

Airplane nose art was a way
Gls in World War II remind-
ed themselves of what they
were fighting for. Paul Neil-
sen is a former B-29 crew
man who has honored those
who flew “the hump"—a
treacherous air supply route
in the Himalayas between In-
dia and China that claimed
600 aircraft and more than
1300 crewmen—with the com-
memorative stoneware mug
pictured here. It features a
pin-up that's a replica of the
original. Price: $11, from
ww2noseart.com. Other
mugs are in the works

e Malt, W h

in Italian

Jassion

INSTANT ANCESTOR

Whether you want an oil
painting of an English lord
or Duchamp's Nude Descending
a Staircase No. 2, artsorce.com
is the website to check. The
company can transform your
original photo (or an image
from the site's gallery of
paintings) into finished art

in about three weeks. Pric-

es range from $105 for a

12"x 16" piece to $2250 for

a work measuring x 12.
Playboy Art Director Tom
Staebler ordered an oil paint-
ing of a British soldier to
hang over his fireplace, and
nobody's pickier about
quality than he is.

GOING BATTY

Batman Collected, published in hardcover several
years ago, is back in a $29.95 oversize paper-
back edition. Graphic designer Chip Kidd
made his huge Batman collection available to
photographer Geoff Spear, and the images of
Dark Knight ephemera—ranging from For-
ties movie posters to Eighties artwork and the
contemporary doll pictured below—are su-
perb. Watson-Guptill is the publisher.

THE MINI GETS MINI-ER

The Mini Cooper (base price: $18,000) should
be in auto showrooms soon. But if you can't
wait—or even more likely, discover that the
dealer's allotment is already sold out—you сап
get a pint-size remote-control version for $110,
induding a rechargeable battery. Eight driving
functions and adjustable steering alignment
make it almost as much fun as the real thing.
The Mini Cooper comes ready to operate
right from the box, no assembly required

To purchase one, go to miniusa.com

Шох! Month

172

PANTY ROAD TRIP

KIANA TOM—THE GYM GODDESS FROM KIANA'S FLEX APPEAL
IS TOTALLY RIPPED AND SPANDEX FREE. THE PICTORIAL
ESPN2 FANS HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF

BLACK VALOR—WHETHER SEGREGATED AND IGNORED IN
WORLD WAR Il OR HUNTING THE ENEMY IN AFGHANISTAN.
AFRICAN AMERICAN SOLDIERS HAVE PERFORMED HEROICAL-
LY UNDER FIRE, SO WHY DON'T THEY GET CREDIT? THE UN-
TOLD STORY BY GAIL BUCKLEY

BILL O'REILLY—HE HAS DETHRONED LARRY KING AND BE-
COME TV'S MOST PROVOCATIVE NEWSMAN. THE O'REILLY
FACTOR DRAWS 20 MILLION VIEWERS A WEEK. SEXY WOMEN
ANCHORS, THE GEORGE CLOONEY FEUD, WHAT HE'S DYING
TO ASK BILL CLINTON AND WHY AMERICANS SHOULD JUST
SHUT UP ABOUT SEX—IT'S ALL IN A HARD-CORE PLAYBOY IN-
TERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF

BASEBALL PREVIEW 2002—FOLLOWING AN OFF-SEASON
PLAGUED BY TURMOIL—POSSIBLE CONTRACTION, LABOR
STRIFE, COURT BATTLES—THE GRAND OLD GAME IS BACK.
WHICH MAY NOT BE TRUE FOR THE YANKEES OR DIAMOND-
BACKS. BY LEOPOLD FROEHLICH AND GEORGE HODAK

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE—FAKE RESUMES, MADE-UP WAR
RECORDS, FALSE ACCOUNTING—IT SEEMS LIKE HONESTY IS
THE LAST POLICY. ALL ABOUT THE NEW EPIDEMIC OF FIBBING

MTV GETS NAKED—YOU'VE SEEN THE REAL WORLD AND
ROAD RULES GIRLS CATFIGHTING, BOOZING AND GETTING

MTV GIRLS NUDE

WET. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM LIKE THIS. A PICTORIAL
STARRING VERONICA, JISELA, FLORA AND BETH

MILLA JOVOVICH—THE STAR OF THE FILM RESIDENT EVIL,
BASED ON THE HUGELY POPULAR VIDEO GAME, IS OUR FA-
VORITE KILLER WAIF. AS A MODEL TURNED ACTRESS, SHE
SWAM NUDE IN RETURN TO THE BLUE LAGOON—AND WE'RE
GLAD SHE DID. A SAUCY 200 BY WARREN KALBACKER

PANTY ROAD TRIP—WE SENT LISA CARVER TO NEW YORK
CITY WITH $500 AND AN ASSIGNMENT: FIND SEXY UNDERGAR-
MENTS. YOU'RE A FLY ON THE DRESSING-ROOM WALL

ALMOST PERFECT—TOMMY IS SIX OUTS AWAY FROM A NO-
HITTER WHEN THE GUY WHO IS FUCKING HIS WIFE COMES TO
BAT. FICTION BY LAWRENCE BLOCK

RUNWAY FASHION OUR CATWALK TREND-SPOTTING PRO.
DUCED THE COOLEST LOOKS IN DENIM, STRIPED SHIRTS.
LEATHER AND SUITS. ALSO, THE DESIGNERS TO WATCH. BY
JOSEPH DE ACETIS

BEACH IT—LOOKING FOR BIKINI-CLAD BABES AND THE PER-
FECT TAN? WE KNOW WHERE TO GO, WHAT TO PACK AND
HOW TO PLAY. LISTEN UP AND HER THONG WILL BE ON YOUR
CABANA FLOOR

PLUS: PLAYMATE CHRISTI SHAKE, SUMMER GROOMING AC-
CESSORIES AND CENTERFOLD SEX TIPS

Internet Archive Audio

Featured

Top

Images

Featured

Top

Software

Featured

Top

Texts

Featured

Top

Video

Featured

Top

Mobile Apps

Browser Extensions

Archive-It Subscription

Save Page Now

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats