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MAY 2002 • www.playboy.com 


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WELCOME TO the wide world of cable—our reception has never 
been better. Coaxial cover girl Kiana Tom (smile by God, body 
by Rodin) joins us from Kiana’s Flex Appeal on ESPN2. We'd 
spot for her in an accelerated heartbeat. Inside, she leaves her 
spandex behind in a Tom-terrific pictorial by Contributing 
Photographer Arny Freytag. Be careful that you don't pull a 
muscle. Freytag doubles his ratings with a spread on the girls 
of Road Rules and The Real World. Call it MTV Unclothed. 
From hard bodies to hard news: For six years Bill O'Reilly host- 
ed Inside Edition and nobody cared. Then came The O'Reilly 
Factor on Fox News—now the highest-rated news show on ca- 
ble—and all hell broke loose. George Clooney called O'Reilly 
a liar for his report on the September 11 charity telethon; 
O'Reilly called Clooney a weasel. David Sheff finds O'Reilly 
combative as ever in a raucous Playboy Interview. O'Reilly says 
Bill Clinton and John Ashcroft owe him answers on the Marc 
Rich pardon, and that people should shut up about sex. 

With tactical successes in the Gulf war and Afghanistan, the 
U.S. military is the premiere fighting force on the planet. It 
is also one of the most progressive institutions in the coun- 
try when it comes to race. Black Valor, an article by Gail Buck- 
ley based on her acclaimed book American Patriots (Random 
House), is a celebration of the often-ignored battlefield heroes 
of the 20th century—the men who helped make the military 
what it is today. The artwork is by Phil Hale. BUCKLEY 

This issue is full of big bats. Despite the off-season efforts 
of baseball owners and Bud Selig to wipe out memories of a 
great World Series, major league baseball is primed to pitch its 
way back into our frenzied hearts. Baseball 2002 by Assistant 
Managing Editor Leopold Froehlich and staffer George Hodak 
will put you ahead of the count. With statistical support by 
Stats, Inc. and a talk with preeminent numbers man Bill James, 
we have everything on moves by the Yanks, Mets, Braves and 
Diamondbacks. Roberto Parada did the artwork. Control, and 
the lack of it, is at the center of our small-ball short story this 
month, Almost Ferfect by Lawrence Block (illustrated by Malcolm. 
Tarlofsky). Wild young southpaw Tommy Willis has a perfecto š TARLOFSKY 
going into the eighth inning when the all-star operator who 
is slamming his wife steps into the box. That's when Willis 
brings on the heat. Want to confusticate your pals and fleece 
their wallets playing poker? It's not in the cards, friend. It's all 
in the tells. So says Mike Caro, dcan of Mike Caro University, in 
The Art of the Tell. 

Is there anything Milla Jovovich—singer, model, actress, hell- 
cat, hard-ass—can't do? You'd have to ask her boyfriends to be 
sure, but based on her roles in The Fifth Element, Dazed and 
Confused and the video game turned movie Resident Evil, we 
say no. Read her answers to 20 Questions by Robert Crane and 
take notes. Women are such mysteries: They can be inscru- 
table right up until the moment you get a glimpse of their 
panties. How they choose to adorn heaven's gate says more 
about their personality than their personality. Lisa Carver parts 
the curtains at various stores in The Scarch for Perfect Panties 
and gives us a luscious peek at her inner hetaera. For your 
next assault up the rolling slopes of mons veneris, make sure 
you're looking good. Trend Spotting by Joseph De Acetis cuts 
through the clutter of today's clothing options. Hint: Buy a 
striped shirt now. There's more. The Liars Hall of Fame sepa- 
rates the spin doctors from the bullshitters, and Beach It! is 
your guide to summer fun. Then cool down with a Shake— 
Christi Shake, our Playmate of the Month. One glance and 
yov'll be all frapped up. 


FREYTAG SHEFF 


CARVER DE ACETIS 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), May 2002, volume 49, number 5. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 3 


YOUR NIGHT JUST GOT MORE INTERESTING." 


NEW BACARDI SILVER. WITH THE NATURAL FLAVORS OF BACARDI RUM AND CITRUS. 


vol. 49, no. 5—may 2002 


features 
70 BLACK VALOR 
It's a humbling part of our military history that some of our bravest patriots served a 
nation that scorned them. Here are their stories. BY GAIL BUCKLEY 
84 VINYL FETISH 
In the collector's world, the latest must-have is stag party music with those crazy-sexy 
album covers. BY JAMES CURY 
93 THE ART OF THE TELL 
Want foolproof tricks to beat your buddies in poker? A cunning gamester reveals a 
lifetime of secrets. BY MIKE CARO 
108 BASEBALL 2002 
A tumultuous off-season overshadowed the best World Series in years. Now it's back 
to the diamond—and time for our predictions, plus a chat with the great Bill James. 
BY LEOPOLD FROEHLICH AND GEORGE HODAK 
114 THE SEARCH FOR PERFECT PANTIES 
Our girl traveled miles and spent a fortune on her fabulous undies. Then she cut 
the seams so her next hookup could rip them right off. BY LISA CARVER 
117 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: JENNIFER WALCOTT 
Jennifer wants a man who can put his sweet side on hold and get nasty in the sack. 
118 20Q MILLA JOVOVICH 
The gorgeous star of The Fifth Element, The Messenger and countless modeling 
campaigns is a realist: She says talent without discipline counts for nothing. 
BY ROBERT CRANE 
120 BEACH IT! 
The best oceanside bars, bashes and drinks, plus nude beaches and the coolest 
strands on each continent. 
134 LIARS HALL OF FAME 
Big-time coaches do it, bosses do it, even guys in bed do it. Has fibbing become 
pandemic? We take a real close look. Honest. 
fiction 
86 ALMOST PERFECT 
When a pitcher is throwing a no-hitter, ballplayers never talk about it. Too bad for 
ace Tommy Willis they didn't shut up about everything else. It's an inning for the 
record books. BY LAWRENCE BLOCK 
interview 
59 BILL O'REILLY 


The pugnacious host of Fox’ O'Reilly Factor has rocketed to the top of the cable news 
biz, ending Larry King's ratings run. In one of our toughest talks yet, O'Reilly at- 
lacks sheeplike Hollywood stars, Hillary Clinton and all the whiny outdueled guests 
who've made his show such a hit. BY DAVID SHEFF 


Y Vol! о Ç I y 

Fitness divo Kiono Tom hos Flex Appeol. Her 
show become ESPN2's highest rated soon 
after it began. Her interests include o new hus- 
bond and their dogs, Flex and Crunch. She 
appeared in Universal Soldier: The Return op- 
posite Jean-Claude Von Damme, and sees 
herself in the director’s chair one day. We see 


her in our fantosies. Our Rabbit gets buff. 


_ vol. 49, no. 5— 


^ и> = | ШШШ же Ё DE 
contents continued 

pictorials 

74 REAL NUDE IN 40 PLAYBOY.COM 
THE REAL WORLD ал МЕМ 
No house, то van and no clothes. 
Four "reality" survivors show what 43 MANTRACK 
we missed on MTV 47 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 

94 PLAYMATE: CHRISTI SHAKE 106 PARTY JOKES 
Miss May grew up in Charm 145 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 


City. We couldn't have said 
it better 167 ON THE SCENE 
124  KIANA TOM 168 GRAPEVINE 


As host of ESPN2's top-rated 170 POTPOURRI 
Flex Appeal, Kiana is the shape 
of things to come. 


lifestyle 


88 TREND SPOTTING 
- We hit the runways for the inside 
11 HAPPY HOLIDAYS dope. Think leather, stripes and 
WITH HEF denim. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
Marilyn Manson, Ron. Jeremy 
and Alyson Hannigan help Hef 


ring in the season. 


notes and news 


112 SKIN GAME 
Spring cleaning for your face. 
These new guy cosmetics will 
49 THE PLAYBOY FORUM spruce up your life. BY DONALD 
Jungian emis ns a ад, 
bondage films. Theocracy sucks, 
and Big Brother is watching you. 


163 PLAYMATE NEWS reviews я 
Firefighters visit the Mansion, 26 MOVIES 
Wayne Brady' favorite Playnates D are EATUR 
and Anna-Marie Goddard. SAT 
30 VIDEO 
departments April in Paris, Hope and Crosby, 
3 PLAYBILL DVD Broadway. 
13 DEAR PLAYBOY 32 MUSIC 
Aesop Rock, the Fugs and music 
TZ a ATTER HOURS for John Madden. 
33 WIRED 
36 BOOKS 
уз BUREONINE The Art of Shaving, LA Exposed 
38 PLAYBOY TV and Punk. 


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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 


IN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staf] wriler; СНІР ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI editorial 
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edilor; JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; ALISON LUNDGREN, BARBARA 
NELLIS associate edilors; ROBERT B. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; LINDA 
FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALEK, HARRIET PEASE, OLGA STAVROPOLILOS, 
NICOLE rUREC editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; 
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA 
SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE НОРАК. BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN. 
research librarian; TIM GALVIN. JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN 

EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. 


GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO, JOE MORGENSTERN, 
DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior art direclors; ROB WILSON assistant 
art director; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art 
services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
м GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER, STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior editors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG. 
RICHARD 1201, DAVID MECEY, BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR. STEPHEN WAYDA contributing 
photographers; сковсе GEORGION staff photographer; вил. wire studio manager— 
los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOL manager, photo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN. 
PENNY EKKERT, GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


MARI 


JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY PONTARELLI, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TEKIELA Dypesellers; BILL BENWAY, 


SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK assistant 


CIRCULATION 
ERE newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; PHYLLIS KESSLER neu york advertising manager; JOE 
HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLI direct response manager; LISA NATALE marketing 
director; sue 1GOE event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT marketing services director; CAROL 
STUCKHARDT research director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director; NEW YORK: ELISABETH: 
AULEPP. LORI BLINDER, SUE JAFFE. JOHN LUMPKIN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL; 
CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER; ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ. SARAH HUEY, GREG MADDOCK; MARIE FIRNENO. 
advertising business manager; KARA SARISKY aduertising coordinator 


READER SERVICE 
OSTROWSKI. LINDA STROM correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
MICHAEL T. CARR president, publishing division 


the smooth, 
long-lasting flavor of New 
Skoal Berry Blend. 


r "OFFER Nor AVAILABLE TO MINORS. Offer expires vola. 
¿2 Vold In Nebraska and where prohibited bj law of d 


Chairman Gert Boyle 


IT'S OFTEN SAID THAT 
PEOPLE RESEMBLE THEIR PETS. 


Let's compare. On the right, the Johnny Rail" shoe. A thing of 


beauty complete with a craggy multi-directional lug sole for 
outstanding grip, a rough leather and mesh upper 
for toughness and breathability and a gnarly 
toe-cap overlay for serious off-road duty. 
On the left, company chairman and dour 

princess of product quality, Gert Boyle. 

Yes, that sure is one nice looking shoe. For 


a dealer nearest you call 1-800-MA BOYLE. 


$$ Columbia 


Sportswear Companys 


www.columbia.com 


Every day is Christmas for Hef, but when the 
holidays roll around, the Mansion is trans- 
formed into a wonderland of parties and mis- 
tletoe. (1) Hef's girls dressed in red lingerie 
for Christmas Eve. (2) Brande Roderick and her 
Playmate pals bake cookies for charity. (3) Hef 
takes his turn on Santa's lap. (4) Ch , Tina 
and Michelle sharing Yuletide punch, (5) Hef 
with the Dahms at the Mansion's New Year's 
Eve bash. (6) Martin Landau and Gary Busey 
ring in 2002. (7) Gene Simmons and Shannon 
Tweed. (8) Marilyn Manson and Dita Von 
Teese. (9) Hef dancing the night away 

with his posse. (10) Robert Forster, Ron 
Jeremy and Kato Kaelin go black tie. (11) 
Joanie Laurer with friends. (12) A party- 

goer makes a nude year's resolution. (13) 

Hef with Buffy's Alyson Hannigan. (14) 
Krissy Cline passing out Jell-O shots 

(15) Painted ladies dancing to Ravi Jakho- 

tia's beat. (16) Champ Sugar Shane Mos- 

ley and his wife, Jin, before his upset. 


Every Jack Daniel's barrelhouse has 20,000 barrels inside. 
And one serious padlock outside. 


Dear Playboy دسا‎ 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPB PLAYBOY COM 


DEDEE DOES IT 
Move over, Michelle (Pfabulously Pfeif- 
fer. February). There's a younger Pfeif- 
fer who's stealing the screen. 
Joshua Wolf 
Arcata, California 


Гуе loved PLAYBOY for ages, and after 
sneaking a peek at my boyfriend's Feb- 
ruary issue, I must say that Dedee's pic- 
torial is the hottest I've seen. The shot of 
her with a cigarette dangling casually be- 
tween her fingers is edgy and sexy. 

Jane Ayer 
Westhampton, New York 


This Pfabulous Pfeiffer freed me from 
my February funk. 
Mau Higgins 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 


Dedee is the highlight of the WB's For 
Your Love—and that's saying a lot wi 
Holly Robinson Peete as her co- 
Pfeiffer's smoking photo shoot has offi- 


cially placed a PLAYBOY subscription re- 
newal at the top of my to-do list. 
Joe Wolfe 
Chicago, Illinois 


COMPUTER CHICKS 
I am counting the days until Cyber 
Girl Stephenie Flickinger (Playboys Cyber 
Girls, February) becomes a Centerfold. I 
wasn't a Cyber Club member, but 1 will 
be soon. 
Jonathon Barber 
Sulphur, Louisiana 


Help! I need oxygen. Tailor James is 
breathtaking, the most beautiful woman 
Туе ever seen. 
Jack Graves 
Turlock, California 


Tailor James is the most amazing Cy- 
ber Girl in a pictorial full of beautiful 
women. 
Brad Campbell 
Wichita, Kansas 


ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK 
A.J. Benza's The Four A.M, Girl (Febru- 

ary) is right on the button. I'm sure that 
there are many other PLAYBOY readers 
who can identify. 1 laughed out loud at 
how close the story line was to my own 
experiences. 

Matt Thompson 

Fort Collins, Colorado 


BEDFELLOWS 
Your HowGoodInBed.com item (Liv- 
ing Online, February) explains why a tall 
guy like me (67^) is often attracted to 
short, talkative women with long hair. 
It’s because I instinctively know that 
they will be good in bed. Thanks for the 

information. 
Christian Carlson 
Huntsville, Texas 


CASH-AND-CARRY 
In February's "Loose Lips" (Playmate 
News), Miriam Gonzalez says it would be 


OSEE HAIR. MAY 2093. VOLUME 29 NUMBER ® PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY PLAYBOY, BAD NORTH LAXE SHORE OVE CHICAGO; LINOIS 


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PLAYBOY 


heaven to have someone carry her boobs 
around and that she'd be willing to pay 
for the service. Let me be the first to vol- 
unteer for that wonderful job. 
Carlos Gil Sr. 
Austin, Texas 


In response to Miriam's request: I'll 
do it for free. 
Rene Blansette 
Louisville, Kentucky 


HUME TO HART 
How refreshing that your last two in- 
terviews have featured intelligent and 
insightful subjects—Brit Hume (Janu- 
ary) and Gary Hart (February)—who 
have done more in their careers than 
make bad movies. 
Jeff Bailey 
Sacramento, California 


Thanks to rLAYBOY and Craig Vetter 
for the interview with my dad. People al- 
ways say to me that he could have been 
one of our great leaders, and I always re- 
spond by saying he is. 

John Warren Hart 
Manhattan Beach, California 


UKRAINIAN BEAUTY 

Гуе been happily married for 35 years 
and have never been unfaithful to my 
wife, but when I saw Anka Romensky's 


Russian minx. 


pictorial (Frost Free Anka, February), I had 
second thoughts. 

Louis Rodriguez 

San Jose, California. 


Anka Romensky mentions that her par- 
ents emigrated to the U.S. to make a bet- 
ter life for her. They've made my life 
better, too. 

Robert O'Sullivan 
Deer Park, Texas 


HEF SPOTTING 
I was at Disneyland last June with my 

family, and on the way out I noticed 
a group of hot women walking behind 
me. I strained my neck to look at them 
and heard someone mentioning the 
Mansion and Hef. I turned around and 
there was Hugh Hefner. I asked if he'd 
take a picture with me, and he said, "You 
bet." He put his arm around me, and 
the girls all fell in line. He couldn't have 
been nicer. 

Scott Jones 

Valparaiso, Nebraska 


I had the privilege of meeting Mr. 
Hefner and some of his girlfriends re- 
cently. 1 was honored that he allowed 
me to sketch a caricature of him and the 
girls. Thank you for all the wonderful 
art in PLAYBOY. 

James Malia 
Santa Barbara, California 


I would like to thank Hef for all his 
support through Operation Playmate 
and want to make him an honorary mem- 
ber of our battalion. Along with two 
sets of 101st Airborne Division shoulder 
patches and Air Assault wings, my battal- 
ion commander has donated a coin as a 
token of his appreciation. There's an old. 
military tradition of coin checking. If 
someone asks to check and you have it, 
he owes you a drink. If you don't, you 
owe him one. ГЇЇ always buy Hefa round 
in appreciation for all he's done for our 
country's servicemen. 

Greg Ford 

Captain, U.S. Army 

First Battalion 

187th Infantry Intelligence Officer 


SHE'S ALL WRIGHT 
I was happy to see that country music 
star Chely Wright made it into Grapevine 
(February)—even though she wasn't in 
your music poll. Please bring her back 
for a Playboy Interview. 
Quincy Adams 
Flint, Michigan 


Thank you for the photo of the gor- 
geous Chely Wright. After all, Dolly Par- 
ton, Crystal Gayle and other country 
greats have been in PLAYBOY. Why not a 
future country legend? 

George Stanley 
Las Vegas, Nevada 


THE FROGMAN SPEAKETH 
"Thanks for the great article by Mick 
Haven (Stealth Force, February). In the 
tradition of Ernest Hemingway, Haven 
knows how to live and he knows how to 
write. 1 hope he'll make more PLAYBOY 
appearances. 
Gerry Locklin 
Long Beach, California 


Stealth Force dealt with the Special Op- 
erations people without all the bravado 


and braggadocio that usually accompa- 
ny such stories. Yes, it's true that they 
train hard. And, yes, there's a need for 
esprit de corps, but some writers sim- 
ply fail to communicate the human ele- 
ment. I especially appreciated Mick Ha- 


The wrong side of Reich. 


ven's approac! 
didn't forget that. 

Will Graham 

Boston, Massachusetts 


was perfect because he 


I never knew how much training our 
Special Forces have to endure. They de- 
serve our gratitude and recognition for 
doing a fantastic job. Thanks for the arti- 
de. I may cancel my Vogue subscription 
and start one with you. 

Elayne Tabraue 
Long Beach, California 


CYBERSPACE TERRORISTS 
Virtual Reich (February) is both en- 

lightening and unnerving. Michael Rey- 
nolds brings together the threads of 
neofascism in a way that was not previ- 
ously evident to me. The connection be- 
tween the disparate strands of interna- 
tional extremism illustrates a problem 
that must be dealt with, even at the risk 
of further peril. 

Dan Miller 

Brighton, Massachusetts 


1 don't deny that some anarchists are 
violent neo-Nazis, but most aren't. Rey- 
nolds tries to make a connection be- 
tween Nazi racism and Green leftist pol- 
itics. With the recent passage of the 
Patriot Act, good people who are work- 
ing to make the U.S. better will be tar- 
geted. Don't point the finger at compas- 
sionate activists; point it at corporate 
America, which perpetuates inequality. 

Tina Phillips 
Union City, California 


FIVE SUSPECTS: 
FIETY/PLOTTWISTS: 
| KEYSE 


— THE HOUSE OF MENTHOL [ЕЙ 


Box Kings, 16 mg. “tar”, 1.2 mg. nicotig 
FIC method. Actual deliveries will vary 8 
and smoke your cigarette. For more fl 
our 


2001 B&WT Со, 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. 


after hours 


A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


NOT NECESSARILY 


GOOD ADVICE GLITTER GULCH 
Never get a girl ant bi 
ed Беа віт ргевтат before you | As ifto remind us of the rich- 
Never ruin a good thing by asking too RESUME hn s 
many questions. jeans, girls who love squeez- 
Girls who want a drawer want land. ing into low-riders enhance 
Eventually a lawn, too. their look with rhinestone-en- 
Girls with long thin fingers like guys [ÜWerstediPeepshow Ihongs The 
with short fat ones. To prove it, they | Panties help a woman avoid 
wear bright red nail polish sporting plumber's crack and 
Girls who wear | give her a gem of an ass, too. 
their glasses to | E you're а guy who likes spe- 
Poca lunking for sparklers, your best 
ly what you have | Betis fo head to Los Angeles, 
Jm sel Aui] where Heather Graham and 
they're not buy- | Eliza Dushku pick them up at 
ing it. Blonde and Fred Segal Feeling, 
Girls with tat- 


toos are promis- 
cuous. So are 
nervous girls. 

You already 
know about girls 
who smoke. 

It's better to The shape of a girl's nose is not 
have a good law- only indicative of her nipple type, Girls who flush easily are multiorgas- 
yer than a good accountant. but of her clitoris a mic. They also tend to overlubricate 


When the whites of her eyes are visible Girls with dark hair and blue eyes get (It's not you.) 
above and below her iris, beware. She anything they want. 
isn't startled, she's crazy. Blue-cyed blondes are overrated. TRIPLE X WORDPLAY 
In the grand scheme of things, first Girls with blonde hair and brown eye- perversity is rarely a trait that's asso- 
wives don't count. brows have a big problem. 


ciated with Scrabble players, but on the 
tournament circuit —where prize money 


Big tits are less sensitive. Have fun Girls who are gregarious in the office 
Never say you like a wine when you аге always promiscuous when they 
don't. It just makes you look stupid are outside of it. 


SHOTS 
THROUGH 
THE ART 


WHY GIRLS SAY YES—REASON #6 


"At a bar I ran into this sexy guy | had gone to school with. 


Turns out he had a huge crush on me back then. He told me about poems he had written for me and about 


times We spent together 1 could barely recall. He wos in a four-yeor relationship but his girlfriend was out of the country. 
He made if clear to me that he was into having an affair. 1 couldn't wait to rip his clothes off, and I already knew him, so 
it was safe game. We drove home and made out ot every red light. We barely made it to the door with our shirts on. We 
christened the entire aportment and slept only long enough to regain our strength for a morning session. After that night 


we never saw each other again. He never told his girlfriend, and | was happy I got laid." 


—K.E., Evanston, IL 


reaches as high as $25,000— dirty words 
are the rage. While the Scrabble Players 
Dictionary has been cleaned up for use at 
home, among the game's pros, linguistic 
modesty is not an asset. Rude expletives 
such as fuck, shit, cunt, tit, motherfucker 
and cocksucker will all be perfectly ac- 
ceptable this August when word freaks 
convene in San Diego for the North 
American Scrabble Champion- 
ship. But don't bother playing 
shitter or felch—they're not 
acceptable. “Early in my 
Scrabble career I tr 
to play quim and was 
surprised to discover thz 
it's not allowed in the Uni 
ed States—though it is in the 
British Scrabble Dictionary," says 
Joel Sherman, 1997's world 
Scrabble champion. "Blowjob 
is a word that I like—but not 
for the reasons you think. I 
like it because it has a ton of 
high-scoring, low-probability 
letters. Placed well on the 
board, it's a seven-letter word 
that can get you more than 
140 points." Chalk this up as 
one more reason why blowjobs 
can't be beat. 


RAUNCH AND ROLL 


Long before Eminem was just an itch 
in his daddy's pants, some of the big- 
gest (and not so big) R&B stars of ıhe 
squeaky-clean Eisenhower era laid down 


"With Tick,’ | had 
to lift men's chins 
up so they looked 


me in the eye. | 
looked like Super. 
Whore." 
— Liz Vassey 


foul-mouthed tracks that would make 
even Lil! Kim think t: hanks to col- 
lections such as Risqué Rhythm: Nasty Fif- 
ties R&B (Rhino) and the sinful bootleg 
If It Атта Hit, ГИ Eat My , we final- 
ly have access to these blushing, buried 
treasures. Here's a taste: 

Big Long Sliding Thing, Dinah Wash- 
ington: When Washington wasn't 
seducing romantics with What a 
Difference a Day Makes, she de- 


her lover's large penis. 
Laundromat Blues, the 
Five Royales with Cha 
lie "Little Jazz" Fergu- 
son: Ever stare long and 
hard at a washing machine 
and suddenly think, Gosh, this re- 
minds me of a really good vagina? 
Well, the Five Royales did. 

Meat Man, Mack Vickery: A 
song so nasty, it should come 
with a washcloth. “I plucked a 
chicken in Memphis, and I still 
got the feathers in my teeth.” 

Bulcher Pete, Roy Brown and 
His Mighty Mighty Men: Since 
foreplay wasn't invented un- 
til 1972, the Mighty Mighty 
Men used what they had—the slaughter- 
house-sex attack. 

Think Twice, Jackie Wilson and LaVern 
Baker: When two of the greatest R&B 
singers got together in the studio, they 
recorded a tune with lines like, *I give 
you all the reefer, all the cocaine and you 


lighted in singing the joys of 


still fuck it up" and the rejoinder "I don't 
want none of your reefer or your pu: 

Rotten Cocksuckers’ Ball, the Clovers: 
Between 1951 and 1956, the Clovers en- 
joyed 20 consecutive top 20 R&B hits. 
This was not one of them 

Keep On Churnin', Wynonie Harris: Al- 
ways thinking of the children, Wynonie 
fashioned an idyllic ode to headboard- 
slamming, complete with Little Boy Blue 
and the churning 
of butter. 


_ Candles are an 
important staple 
of a bachelor 
"pad. Now Aroma 


Over condi 
must if you fal n 
but that ‚won‘ 


and you'll | oth 
be rewarded 


20 


WHEN THEY FOCUS, THEY SHUTTER 


What do two people do when they fall in love? They rut 
like otters and spend a period of sticky irreality getting 
to know each other, It's called intimacy. But when the 


two people are photographers, 


like Willemine Pernette 


and Floris Leeuwenberg here, they make whoopee 


and pictures. The result, Twogether (Editions Stemmle), 


Sixty Minute Man, the Dominoes: 
“There'll be 15 minutes of kissing, 15 
minutes of teasing, 15 minutes of pleas- 
ing and 15 minutes of blowing my 
top!" Hello, Middle America—we are 
the Dominoes, and we've come for your 
daughters. 

Somebody Else Was Sucking My Dick Last 
Night, Fred Wolff Combo: This was frog- 
voiced Wolff's only tune. But if you 
make only one record, it might as well 
have a great title. 


WELCOME TO LOBE 
CANAL 
Notice how ear nibbling 
puts her in overdrive? You 
can thank the geography of 
the brain for that, accord 
ing to Sex: A Natural History 
by Joann Ellison Rodgers 
(Times Books). The neu 
rons that fire for nipple sen- 
sations and the ones that 
gauge ear sensations are 
gg next to each other. And a 
fine neighborhood it is. 


LADIES' CHOICE 


A study of male and 
female students by psy- 
chologists at Northwest- 
ern University found 
that. while straight men 
were not aroused by gay 
porn nor gay men by 
straight porn, women of 
every persuasion were 
aroused by porn of all 
persuasions. Or, in the 
inspiring words of survey co-director Mi- 
chael Bailey, “It appears that women, re- 
gardless of sexual orientation, respond to 
everything." Nice to know, but it doesn't 
make them any easier to shop for. 


THE TIP SHEET 


One Sweet Whirled: The Dave Matthews 
Band flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice 
cream—caramel and coffee ice cream 
with swirls of gooey stuff. It's perfect 
for smearing on patchouli-wearing hip- 
pie chicks. 

Coincidencedesign.com: According to Al- 


ternet online, 

an elaborate 

hoax of a site. 

It claims to 

stalk women for shy wealthy 
guys for the low price of $78,000. 

Radio Boink: A webcast outfit devoted 
to the soundtracks of Seventies porno 
films. It's where you go to get your wah- 
wahs out. 

Flipper schtuppers: For those who seek 
loving and mutually satisfying consensu- 
al sex with dolphins, a comprehensive 


is sort of sweet and, at times, hot. 
For many of us, when that 
first blush of love is gone, 
there's little left. But for 
these two, there's all this 
positive stuff left behind— 
as well as the negatives. 


tutorial on doing so is available 
at dolphinsex.org, complete 
with the answer to the curious- 
ly choosy question, "How can I 
tell a male from a female?" 

Heaven scent: An aromatic blend of 
rose fragrance and male pheromone 
that Blockbuster Video experimentally 
released in several of its UK stores in De- 
cember. It wafted out of vents between 
10 and 11 r.m., when the clientele is pri- 
marily singles, in order to promote ro 
mance and video selections. 


We've found three vodkas that fit the bill. Mezzcluna is an Italian vod- 
ka that's made from semolina wheat. Thanks to triple distillation and 
quadruple filtering, it's smoother than Dean Marlin. Another cool 
vodka, Liquid Ice, comes in a faux ice-cube bottle with matching 
tumbler. It’s an organic multigrain vodka and is certified kosher. 
Though Nopasaki is made from Japanese akitakomachi rice, it's 
produced in the Pacific Northwest. Depending on the time of 
day, the bottle resembles either a minirocket, a geisha silhouette 
or a butt plug. The point being: You can't miss it. y 


To make it to the top shelf, spirits have to look as good as they taste. Y 
{А 


К 
=: 


IS Te 


AID A AIDA МӨН. 


ROON 


THAT great IDEAS 


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22 


SIGNIFICA, 


QUOTE 
“We live in a 
world with hetero- 
sexuals. There are 
lots of them, and 
they created us. 
God bless them." 
—BOY GEORGE 


BOSS HOG 

The number of 
workers laid off 
by Disney in 2000: 
4000. Amount paid 
chief exec Michael 
Eisner that year: 
$72.8 million. 
Number of em- 
ployees laid off . 
by Cisco in 2000: 
8500. Percentage 
increase in chief 
exec John Cham- 
bers' pay that year: 
40 (to $28.7 mil- 
lion). Average total 
compensation for 
all chief executives 
who laid off 1000 
or more emplo; 
in 2000: $23.7 million. 


ball ип 
maxi 


рге 8 
the thi a 
longest П 
ould hit i 


сот MLK? 

Approximate number of streets in 
the U.S. that are named for Martin 
Luther King Jr.: 500. Number in 
Georgia: 72. Number in Mississippi: 
65. In Louisiana: 51. In New York: 
3. In Massachusetts: I. In Alaska, 
Hawaii, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, Mon- 
tana, Wyoming, North and South 
Dakota, Maine, Vermont and New 
Hampshire combined: 0. 


SHEIKY LOYALTY 
Number of Kuwaiti students who 
left West Virginia University after 
September 11 fearing they would be 
the target of reprisals: 21. Number of 
students who returned for the next 
semester: 20. 


NFL EXPANSION 
Number of NFL players who ex- 
ceeded 300 pounds in 1991: 83. 
Number who exceeded 300 pounds 
in 2001: 290. 


ADD LIBS 
The percentage of college fresh- 
men who described themselves as lib- 


FACT OF JHE MONTH 
Given ШШ ics of base 


annt 570 feet 


INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


— erals in 1971: 
41. Percentage 
who did so in 1981: 
21. In 1991: 27. In 
2001: 30. Percent- 
age now who say 
they favor the legal- 
ization of pot: 37. 
Percentage who fa- 
vor the right to gay 
marriage: 58. Per- 
centage who took 
part in an orga- 
nized demonstra- 
tion last year: 48. 


POW WOW 
Number of Tal- 
iban and al Qaeda 
prisoners held at 
Guantanamo Naval 
Ñ Base: 158. Number 
of German, Japa- 
nese and other 
POWs imprisoned 
in Wisconsin and 
forced into farm la- 
bor during World 

War П: 22,000. 


ر 


End 
Ber), the 
B anybody 


YOU AUCTIONING ME? 

The amount Britain's Auction World 
Dot TV hoped to get for a kidney 
stone allegedly passed by Robert De 
Niro in a Los Angcles hospital in 
1981: $4500. 


WICCAN OVERCOME 
According to the American Reli- 
gious Identification Survey, number 
of people who identified themselves 
as practicing Wiccans in 1990: 8000. 
Number who identified themselves as 
Wiccans in 2001: 134,000. 


NOVELTY ACT 
Number of new consumer prod- 
ucts introduced annually 20 years 
ago: 4400. Number introduced annu- 
ally today: 30,000. 


LEGAL BRIEFING 

Amount spent by the Justice De- 
partment for a set of special curtains 
to hide the Spirit of Justice—a statue 
of a woman whose toga covers only 
one breast—that appears behind At- 
torney General John Ashcroft when- 
ever he holds press conferences in 
the Justice Department's Great Hall: 
$8000. —ROBERT S WIEDER 


Sexual confusion: Yhe Boston Medical 
Group ran a curiously worded ad in ma- 
jor dailies: “Premature Ejaculation? Im- 
mediate Results.” Then again, since the 
ad lists locations in San Francisco, Or- 
ange County, Los Angeles, San Diego, 
New York, Miami and Chicago—but not 
Boston—perhaps irony is key to their 
marketing efforts. 

Dave Barry Lift Station No. 16: The offi- 
cial name given to a sewage treatment 
plant in Grand Forks, North Dakota af- 
ter the humorist wrote a column mak- 
ing fun of the city and neighboring East 
Grand Forks, Minnesota. 

Nasdaged: Whether it comes to plung- 
ing quarterback ratings or dwindling in- 
come or dismal prospects for love, Nasdaq 
is the bittersweet verb of the year. 

Body fluid monogamy: As practiced by 
polyamorists, it means that you and your 
partner use condoms only when sleep- 
ing with someone else. 

Jeep jean jacket: A clumsy man's wet 
dream, made out of a Teflon-coated den- 
im that repels water, mud, snow and any 
thing else your SUV will grind into it. 


BALMBASTIC 
"Without a doubt, high-gloss lip 
balms look great on women (see 
Heather Graham, above). On a 
man, though, a juicy set of smack- 


ers is just plain wrong. Which is 
why Lipprication.com offers Lipp 


Lube, a new balm with a matte fin: 
ish suitable for guys. Now you can 
pucker up or pucker down or even 
pucker on the couch 


BETTER THAN A SHEEPSKIN 


Where can women develop their sexu- 
al potential and where can people “re- 
claim and rejuvenate sexual desire 
Make your way to Vulva University, an 
online sex information and resources 
site at houseochicks.com. There are free 


| Щ= TS 
Smooth. Distinctive. Mellow. 
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f f | 


E 


y yt < 


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A SMOOTH MID-CUT. » 


GAG ORDER 


One of the unfortunate side 
effects of having the breoth 
of a gila monster is 

Р thot no one 


M 
<= 


=f is willing to 
$ 2j come with- 
= ç w/ in hoiling 
9 distance fo 

м tell you how 

| bodly it 
Yan stinks. We put 

< © new gizmo, 

> ERN 

| from the Tech. 

d noScout cata- 

4 log, through its 

| paces. It rates 

your breath on a 

scale of one to 

four. At the start of 

the day, we were ot 


Bre, one. Bul, ofter tacos, 
А coffee and smokes, 


we hit four. Oddly 
enough, no one wont- 
ed to hear obout it. 


classes, discussion groups and even a 
bumper sticker: MY PARTNER MADE HONOR 
ROLL AT VULVA UNIVERSITY. We hope this 
means it's easier to get in than we previ- 
ously thought. 


CONCRETE Q&A 


When Concrete Blonde regrouped 
after an eightyear hiatus and re- 
leased a new album, Group Ther- 
apy. we had to check in with 
lead singer Johnette Napoli- 
tano and make sure everything 
was all right. It 
is now—but it 
wasn't always. 

Violent is a song 
on the new CD— 
do you feed off your 
anger? 

I'm not angry 
at the same 
things 1 used to 
be, but I am an- 
gry about a lot of things right 
now, like social conditions that 

don't change and racism that 
doesn't end. The lack of evo- 
lution—we seem to be locked in 
these constant cycles. 
Do you still live life hard? 
Back in the day, no one was wilder 
than me. I'm amazed I'm still here. I 
never stuck a needle in my arm—I'm 
smarter than that—but I was wild. I'd 
drink a bottle of tequila and hang out a 
building in New York City just to dangle 
above Times Square. 1 didn't choose to 
be a school bus driver or be responsible. 
for anyone else but myself, and I love 
nothing more than to have a bottle of 
24 wineand write, read, paint or do my fla- 


—Eliza Dushku 


menco. I was the first member of my fam- 
ily to go back to Italy since my grandfa- 
ther was born, and then I understood who 
1 was. The Italians are all about food, mu- 
sic, drinking wine, laughing and singing. 

You've written a lot about the dangers and 
pleasures of love, but why haven't you written a 
song aboul sex? 

There is no plain sex. It's like a fuck- 
ing bullfight to me. You see someone for 
the first time, then you get stabbed and 
you don't know where it's coming from. 
In the end, one of you is going to go 
down. It's rare, but if the matador isn't 
doing a good enough job and the bull is 
kicking his ass, the bull is let go to spike 


Ci EC gets our voie 
as the poge-three girl we most 
want to emigrate to America. The 
Bedford beauty came to Los 
Angeles and auditioned for 
roles on shows like Baywatch, 
but all she heard was, “Sorry, 
Charlie." "| can't do an Ameri- 
can accent,” she contéssed to 
The Daily Star. "| just wont to 
be o model." The 23-year- 
old showed up on cov- 
ers of Vogue Bride. 
and Loaded, and 
has appeared in 
od campaigns for 
Dr Pepper ond 
Conon. Now 
she's been digi- 
tized into the 
new Sony 
PlayStation 
game 
Stuntman. 
(As if we 
didn't 
waste 
enough 
time playing games with 
women.) Even though the 
acting didn’t work for her 
the first fimé around; 
she still hos her eye 

on Americo. 

"There's plenty 3 
of people there Н 
who haven't U 
seen me yet,” 

she says. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


more bulls because he is such a badass. A 
good matador respects the bull that gave 
him a fight. So relationships are like, 
“Maybe you'll let me go without killing 
me this time. Maybe I'll come out of 
this." I admir iybody who can have 
casual sex, but it's just not me. I've had 
no problem going a ycar or two without 
it. When you see someone across the 
room that turns you on, that is sexy. You 
know the bed part is no problem. When 
somebody's voice and gestures throw 
electricity around you and make every- 
one else in the room disappear, you 
know the sex part is going to be pretty 
holy. As it should be! 


‘Busch, Inc., Budweiser) Beer, St. Louis, MO 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


SEX SELLS, but for some reason, only a 
handful of women—sexy or otherwi 
can hold their own against their male 
counterparts at the box office. Even 
then, the woman in question has to be 
in just the right role, such as Jo- 


ON TOP 


Stars we'll pay to see. 


stream movie fodder. At one 
time, Spider-Man would have 
been a Saturday matinee se- 
rial. Now it's the tent pole 
movie that Columbia Pictures 
hopes all America will see 

when it opens in Ma; 

An entire generation or 


ought to be mining, instead of plan” 
ning a big-screen vehicle for Archie and 
Jughead. Or is this asking too much? 


CURRENT REVIEWS 


Finally—finally!—we have some pro- 
vocative, interesting, offbeat films in 
release, as alter- 


die Foster in Panic 
Room, which puts a new spin on the age- 
old damsel-in-distress formula. Movies 
are dominated by male stars, and even 
some of our most gifted actresses find 
themselves playing wives or girlfriends 
in A-list films, instead of being the focal 
points of the stories. No wonder so many 
women have started production com- 
panies to develop suitable properties to 
showcase their talents. 

It remains to be seen whether Angeli- 
na Jolie, appearing in Life or Something 
Like It, and Ashley Judd, in High Crimes, 
can pull in audiences on the strength of 
their names alone. (Nicole Kidman is as 
famous as anyone on the planet, but her 
star power couldn't turn Birthday Girl in- 
to a hit.) 

Ihe latest member of the multimil- 
lion-dollar club is Cameron Diaz, but she 
has managed her career with a flair for 
unpredictability, bouncing from the pre- 
vailing Hollywood fare to offbeat indie 
films and back. This is what builds stay- 
ing power, the kind that has kept Susan 
Sarandon in the spotlight for more than 
30 years. 

Comic books once were for kids, but 
as society has changed and adolescence 
has become a way of life, Hollywood has 

26 turned to cartoon characters as main- 


natives to the 
standard 


two has grown up enjoying 
Scooby-Doo cartoons, but does that 
mean they want to see a live-action 
version of the character on- 
screen? (It didn't work for 
Rocky and Bullwinkle or 
Josie and the Pussycats.) 
Whether we want it or 
not, Scooby and compa- 
ny are headed our way, 
with Freddie Prinze Jr. 
and Sarah Michelle Gellar. 
On the other hand, one 
of last year's most ad- 
mired films, Ghost 
World, came from 
kindred—but more 
adult—source materi- 
al, the graphic novel. 
Another such work, | 
Max Allan Collins” 4 
The Road to Perdition, 
is one of this year's 
more anticipat- 
ed films, starring 
Tom Hanks and 
Paul Newman 
and directed 
by American 
Beauty s Sam 
Mendes. So 
perhaps it's 
this area that 
Hollywood 


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28 


Hollywood product. Andie MacDowell 
has her best role in years in Crush, a 
promising British feature-film debut for 
director John McKay. It begins as a light- 
hearted look at three fortyish women 
who enjoy a weekly tell-all session, and 
turns darker when MacDowell—head- 
mistress at a prep school—has a passion- 
ate affair with a former student, and her 
friends disapprove. Fresh and surpris- 
ing, the film isn't always believable, but it 
wins on an emotional level. 

If you enjoyed Being John Malkovich, 
you'll recognize the same skewed sensi- 
bility in Charlie Kaufman's latest screen- 
play, Human Nature. Tim Robbins plays a 
shy behavioral scientist who hooks up 
with Patricia Arquette, a troubled wom- 
an who, because of her abnormally hairy 
body, went off to live in the jungle for a 
spell. (Are you still with me?) When the 
seemingly happy couple comes upon a 
man-beast, played by Rhys Ifans, Rob- 
bins takes him to his laboratory and at- 
tempts to transform him into a civilized 
human being. Directed by French music 
video veteran Michel Gondry, Human 
Nature isn't as fully realized as Malkovich, 
but it’s so nutty it's hard to dislike. 

Enigma is another disappointment, es- 
pecially given its pedigree: It's based on 
Robert Harris' best-selling book about 
British cryptographers who break the 
Nazi code during World War II. Adapt- 
ed by Tom Stoppard, co-produced by 
Mick Jagger and directed by Michael 
Apted, it stars Dougray Scott, Kate 
Winslet, Saffron Burrows and Jeremy 
Northam. The subject matter couldn't 
be more interesting, especially with a 
love story layered on top ofit, and Apted 
creates a tangible sense of time and place. 


Dunst does Dovies. 


But the movie loses itself (and the audi- 
ence) by indulging in endless twists and 
complications. 

Kirsten Dunst plays ebullient movie 
star Marion Davies, Edward Herrmann 
is her powerful mentor William Ran- 
dolph Hearst and Eddie Izzard is a love- 
struck Charlie Chaplin in Peter Bogdan- 
ovich's entertaining period piece The 
Cot's Meow. Herrmann is especially good 
as the childlike Hearst, and he's joined 
by Jennifer Tilly, Joanna Lumley and a 
well-cast Cary Elwes. Setin 1924, and 
adapted by Steven Peros from his own 
play, it's an evocative look at famous, 
powerful people stripped bare over the 
course of a scandalous weekend. Despite 
its persuasive performances, it is entirely 
fictional. 


SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


American Choi This charming movie 
about a young Indian American's at- 
tempt to pursue his dreams—despite 
his father's oppressive insistence he 
maintain old-world values—has equal 
doses of truth and humor on its side. 
An impressive low-budget debut for 
director Anurag Mehta. yyy 
The Cat's Meow Hollywood saw more 
than its share of scandals in the Twen- 
ties, and this one dramatizes a famous 
one based entirely on hearsay, w 
Kirsten Dunst, Edward Herrmann, 
Eddie Izzard and Jennifer Tilly as the 
rich and famous protagonists. ¥¥¥ 
Crush Andie MacDowell and her two 
gal pals share everything—until she 
falls for a much younger man and 
they can’t deal with it. A fresh, origi- 
nal tragicomedy by new British direc- 
tor John McKay. ET] 
Enigma Dougray Scott plays a British 
cryptographer who tries to break the 
Nazi code during World War 11— 
while living in the shadow ofa love af- 
fair gone wrong with a woman who's 
almost as enigmatic as the code. Un- 
fortunately, this handsomely crafted 
film gets bogged down in its own end- 
less complications. PA 
Hart's War Bruce Willis and Colin Far- 
rell star in this entertaining World 
War II yarn set in a POW camp, with 
some unusual story wrinkles and an 
urbane Nazi villain. vy 
Human Nature The writer of Being John 
Malkovich cooks up another offthe- 
wall comedy, with an excessively po- 
lite Tim Robbins and an excessive- | 
ly hairy Patricia Arquette teaming up up 
to turn man-beast Rhys Ifans into a 
proper gentleman. ETA 


Seventies Pennsylvania 
taurant. Clever ideas abou 


© Lord 2002 


Get these items and more, call toll free for new catalog. 


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Offer restricted to smokers 21 years of age oc older. 


hich. 

‘Milwaukee in the early 

Clark. * “The style, th look, the аст 
g sty | 


APRIL IN PARIS? OUI? NO! 


The Harburg-Duke pop standard April 
in Paris waxes poetic about springtime in 
the City of Light—"chestnuts in blossom, 
holiday tables under the trees"—but the 
natives without deodorant, 
waiters without decorum, toilet paper 
that won't tear and a hard-to-say word 
for everything. Fhey hate you, too. 
An American Werewolf in Paris (1997): No 
wonder the women there have hair un- 
der their armpits. Not only does come- 
ly Frenchwoman Julie Delpy bite unsus- 
pecting American men, but she turns 
them into lycanthropes, too! 
Frantic (1988): Harrison Ford tries to un- 
kidnap his wife, who is given the wrong 
luggage at Charles DeGaulle Airport in 
this Hitchcockian thriller. Director Ro- 
man Polanski isn't allowed into the States 
(something about an affair with a 13- 
year-old), yet France loves him. 
Kiss of the Dragon (2001): The violently 
corrupt, spittle-spewing detective played 
by Tchéky Karyo makes LA's scandal- 
plagued police department look like the 
Boy Scouts as he goes after cop Jet Li. 
The Gaul! 
Is Paris Burning? (1966): Gert Fróbe defies 
Hitler's order to incinerate the city— 
amid an all-star cast. 
Moulin Rouge (2001): Know what's odd? 
"The entire movie takes place in Paris, 
30 and no one is seen smoking. In France, 


land of that certaine odeur? Oh, right, it's 
a fantasy. 

Another 9% Weeks (1997): We can't figure 
out why the French tolerate Mickey 
Rourke. He flies to Paris looking for Kim 
Basinger and lands in the bed of Angie 
Everhart. We're starting French lessons. 
Last Tango in Paris (1972): The Simpsons 
called the French "cheese-eating surren- 
der monkeys." Brando just adds butter. 

The Story of O (1975): The French are so 
romantic. Udo Kier shows his love for O 
(long-limbed Corinne Clery) by impris- 
oning her and making her the mistress 
of anyone she turns on—which is just 
about everybody. Director's name: Just 
Jaeckin. No kidding. — —8BUzz MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


The Bob Hope-Bing Crosby-Dorothy 
Lamour "road movie" hits of the Forties 
and Fifties still constitute one of the all- 
time champion franchises in Hollywood. 
The first four of the seven films—Roud to 
Singapore (1940), Road to Zanzibar (1941), 
Road to Morocco (1942) and Road to Utopia 
(1946)—recently arrived in digitally re- 
mastered form on DVD (Universal, $20 
each, boxed together for $70). The films, 
grouped with five other new-to-DVD re- 
leases under the Bob Hope Collection 
banner, are a mother lode of Hope, but 
it's clearly the Road movies that endure. 
Hope's screen persona, the high-strung 
horn-dog who wisecracks his way out of 
one life-threatening bind after another, 
proved the perfect complement to Cros- 
by's crooner cool. Alas, as Hope and 
Crosby took control of the series in later 


GUILTY 

PLEASURES 
If you need proof that 
there were dramatic 
highlights in TV's vast 
wasteland, then here it is. 
Twenty-five of Broadway 
Theater Archive's series 
of plays produced for tele- 
vision are now being re- 
leased by Kultur Video 
(Kultur.com) in digitally 
remastered DVD format. 
They include great ac- 
tors at the peak of their ca- 
reers performing award- 
winning plays. The first 
batch in the series in- 
cludes Awake and Sing! 
by Clifford Odets starring. 
Walter Matthau, Jean 
Cocteau's The Human 
Voice with Ingrid Berg- 
man, Arthur Miller's Death. 
of a Salesman with Lee 
y. Cobb, and George S. 
Kaufman and Ring Lard- 
ner's June Moon with 
Susan Sarandon. 


years—the roads to Rio 

(1947), Bali (1952) and Hong Kong (1962) — 
they focused less attention on their fe- 
male foil, the remarkable Lamour, whose 
status among the all-time sex symbols 
is reinforced while cruising these early 
Roads. — GREGORY P FAGAN 


TALKIN' BALKAN 


Mulholland Dr. (David Lynch's neonoir experiment plays like a 
dream, works like a charm; Naomi Watts equals good hot 
fun), Sexy Beast (bile-spewing überthug Ben Kingsley goods 
а mob retiree into a last heist; it's not Ghandifellas). 


The Deep End (Tilda Swinton's boy kills a sexual predator and a 
blackmailer bushwhacks her cover-up; quietly intense), The 
Man Who Wasn't There (Billy Bob's a cuckolded barber whose 
get-rich/get-even scheme goes bad: pure Coen Bros.). 


Behind Enemy Lines (flyboy Owen Wilson dodges Bosnian 
goons while Hackman honchos a rescue op; satisfying and 
slick), No Man's Land (it's Bosnian vs. Serb in a ditch while 
NAIO's guy referees; bleak comedy by Danis Tanovic). 


Spy Game (retiring spook Redford diagrams an escape plan 
for his captured prolégé, Brad Pitt; breathlessly proficient), 
Joy Ride (two guys and a girl in a car face 18-wheels of 
doom! John Dahl updates Steven Spielberg's Duel with flair) 


Donnie Darko (a high school loser's invisible rabbit pal pre- 
sages the apocalypse; Harvey meets postmodern ennui), 
Novocaine (pill popping patient Helena Bonham Carter jolts 
dentist Steve Martin like a ho! probe; hygienic fun). 


Sometimes we 
find ourselves here on 


SUNDAY MORNING. 
Somehow we think 


the REVEREND vill understand. 


THE Place. THE GLENLIVET. = 


ENJOY OUR QUALITY RESFONSIDLY San Incl Ti Gein Dit Ca NY, КА. 
n Year ОМ Single Mah Score Whisky, Ale. ¿0% y Vol [Vo Proof), The Glenlivet ша registered trademark. 
www.theglenlivet.com 


32 


JOHNNY WINTER kept the white-boy blues 
alive during the Seventies. Underappre- 
ciated today, he played the blues with 
more passion and authority than anyone 
this side of Hen- 
drix. The Best of 
Johnny Winter (Leg- 
acy) should turn 
on a new gener- 
ation to the rag- 
ged glory of his in- 
cendiary playing. 

МІС GARBARINI 


"Life is not a 
bitch, life is a 
beautiful woman/ 
You only call her a 
bitch because she 


won't let you get 


that pussy, 
Aesop Rock on the title track of 
light EP (Definitive Jux). He gets an ev- 
eryday feel out of dense language and 
catchy beats. The new songs match the 
best ones on his earlier Labor Days, no- 
tably the post-September 11 Nickel Plat- 
ed Pockets. —ROBERT CHRISTGAU 


For years, Nils Lofgren has been mak- 
ing the background music for John 
Madden's loopy all-Madden team TV 
bits. He has collected 
the best of it on Tuff 
Stuff! The Best of the 
All-Madden Team Band 
(Vision). His other 
new CD, Break Away 
Angel (Vision, nils 

lofgren.com), re- 
veals Lofgren as 
a beautiful soft- 
rock singer with 
gorgeous, painful 
songs. —DAVE MARSH 


Denials, Delusions and Decisions (MCA) is 
the latest from the vibrant Philly soul 
scene. Jaguar Wright makes an impres- 
sion on this collection with a meditation 
on a wayward lover, 2 Too Many. Sharp- 
tongued and assertive, she comes across 


fast tracks 


lus. NEWSBREAKS: 
tor John Landis 


A", Objects, opening next month that 


the blues. Expect a CD and an inter- 
national blucs education program for 
kids from it. . . . Little Steven's syndicat- 
ed radio show, Little Steven's Under- 
ground Garage, will debut any day now, 
tracing garage rock from the Electric 
Prunes till now. .. . The Grateful Dead 
still plans to open a museum in San 
Francisco. .. . U2 has been awarded an 
Irish commemorative stamp. . . . Patti 
Austin is getting her one-woman show, 
On the Way to Love, ready for Broad- 
way. . . . Kurt Cobain's journals, contain- 
ing lyrics, drawings and essays, are 
being shopped around for publica- 

tion.. ... The Experience Music Proj- 

ect has a new exhibit, Uncommon 


will include Elvis‘ shoes and Lib- 
erace's Coal. — — BARBARA NELLIS 


like a vet supported by retrofunk 
rhythms and tightly orchestrated 
backing vocals. —NELSON GEORGE 


Chicago soul great Tyrone Davis 
has been making underrated rec- 
ords for more than three decades. 
His Back to the Future Years (Mala- 
co) is a chance to discover 

neglected treasures—that 
wonderful voice and these 
| fine songs. — DM. 


Ragtime pianist Brun Campbell 
studied with Scott Joplin. Campbell 
was past the age of 60 and running a 
barbershop in California when he 
first recorded in the Forties, which 
makes his complete works, Joplin's 
Disciple (Delmark), almost ancient his- 
tory. Campbell meant to get you go- 
ing, and he still docs. RC. 


Call them guilty pleasures or one-hit 
wonders. Pure Nineties: 20 Modern Rock Hits 
(UTV) is an almost flawless collection of 
gems from the golden age of altrock. 


Christgau | Garbarini 
8 if 7; 7 8 
8 9 6 ih 10 
6 6 7 8 7 
E 8 9 7i 9 9 
7 8 8 6 7. 


The Gin Blossoms’ Hey Jealousy 
and There She Goes from the La's 
bump up against EMF's Unbeliev- 
able. Who needs MP3s? ve. 


There can't be a more welcome 
reissue than the Fugs' anthology 
Electromagnetic Steamboat (Rhino). 
The funniest, most political, 
obscene visionary band of the Six- 
ties had endless censorship prob- 
lems. They weren't great musi- 
ians, but they opened minds and 
stirred antiwar sentiment. Their 1967 
exorcism of the Pentagon is worth the 
price of admission. —CHARLES M. YOUNG 


Looking for the latest in Euro lounge 
music? Try Ultra.Chilled (Ultra). It covers 
the spectrum from France's St. Germain 
to DC's Thievery Corporation. Dido. 
and Moby are present alongside up- 
and-comers such 
asZero7. —NG. 


Orchestras no 
longer rely on rec- 
ord companies to 
issue product— 
they make their 
own. The Cleve- 
land Orchestra 
marks the end of 
Christoph von 
Dohnányi's 17-year tenure as music di- 
rector with the Dohnányi Compact Disc Edi- 
tion (MAA, clevelandorchestra.com), 10 
CDs of live performances by the best or- 
chestra in America.—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


This CD caused much of that flap at 
Harvard. It's Sketches of My Culture (Ar- 
temis) by professor Cornel West. His or- 
atorical flare translates well to rap. —c y. 


Fahrenheit 


Burdines 


Fahrenheit 


1 


HUNT BOOTY WITH GPS PIRATES 
Anyone with a global positioning system and some free time can 
join in on a scavenger hunt for thousands of boxes of loot 
buried around the world. The sport, officially named geo- 
= caching, began in May 2000 when a Portland 
resident buried a bucket containing some CDs, 
a can of beans and a logbook, then posted the 
coordinates online. Within days the stash 
was discovered, and the sport was born. 
There are now more than 12,000 geocaches 
buried in 100 countries (and no, there are 
none on Antarctica yet). The challenge 
in finding them ranges from easy walks 
to journeys that require climbing and 
camping gear. One in Alaska suggests 
you "bring bear protection." While 
most geocaches contain only a few 
dollars' worth of treasure, the sport 
generates some high-stakes contests 
in which thousands of dollars in 
prizes are hidden and weekend 
warriors gather for the hunt. Con- 
tributing to the sport's popularity 
is the drop in the prices of GPS 
units; a decent one costs around 
$100. Even better, Garmin's new RINO 
series (pictured here) features two-way radios 
for keeping in contact with your team ($200-$300). (The 
name RINO is derived from the FRS and GPS antennas that 
give them their rhinoceros-like appearance.) To see if trea- 
sure is buried near you, visit geocaching.com and enter 
your zip code. If there isn't, bury one yourself. —raztow 


SIGNED, SEALED AND DIGITIZED 

In the past, any schmo with a Sharpie 
and a steady hand could fake Michael 
Jordan's signature on a trading card— 
and then get some sucker to pay big 
bucks for it. But with its new PenCam, 
the California-based trading card com- 


pany Upper Deck plans to put rip-off 
artists out of business. Touted by jocks 
such as Jordan, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bry- 
ant, Ken Griffey Jr. and Kevin Garnett, 
the PenCam combines a writing instru- 
ment with a miniaturized video camera 
at the tip. The camera, which is about 


Fourteen boxers, 
including Tyson 
ond his previous 
punching bag, 
Lorry Holmes. 


All the best box- 

ers from Muham- 

mad Ali to Oscar. 
De Lo Hoyo— 
minus Tyson. 


Nine gomeplay We love the 
modes and a gameplay, but 
wince-inducing where's the eor 


first-persan view 
(PS2 and Xbox). 


biting? And they 
call this realistic? 


Ten arenos, mul- 
tiplayer action 


Blaw for blow, the 
best boxing 


and a build- game. Still, we'd 
a-baxer feature | love to pit Mike 
(PS2 and Xbox). against Liston. 


the size of a fingernail, points downward 
(at the autograph) and is equipped with 
circuitry and software that enable the 
pen to record visual images wirelessly. As 
an athlete puts his John Hancock on a 
photograph or jersey, both the signature 
and video footage of the event are cap- 
tured electronically and saved onto a 
computer file. The digital file bears the 
same number as the hologram 
that appears on the 

item, the certificate 

of authenticity and 

a CD-ROM. The 
last also features a 
photo and descrip- 
tion of the item, 
a time- and date- 

stamped video of the 
signing, where the 
signing took place 
and interview footage 
with the athlete, Upper 
Deck's goal is to pro- § 
vide a chain of docu- 
mentation from the mo- 
ment that the item is 
signed until you fork over the cash for 
it. That way, when you spend $2000 for 
your favorite superstar's signature, 
you'll get the real deal, not the work of 
some counterfeiter. Upper Deck spokes- 
man Justin Kanoya claims that the Pen- 
Cam authentication doesn't add to the 
price of the company's memorabilia, so 
you don't have to worry about inflated 
costs. Woods, Jordan and Griffey Jr. are 
among the first official PenCam users. 
They've autographed photos, pin flags 
and jerseys. —hETH TOMKIW 


mns 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAG 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


FRANKLY SUPERIOR POSTAGE 


I sell a lot of stuff on eBay and Half.com. It's great to get rid 
of junk that's piled up around the house, and I like the extra 
cash. But here's the problem: the post office. The parking lot 
is always full, and I have to stand in line for 20 minutes. I miss 
ES old days, when I could stick stamps on a package and drop 
a mailbox. Thanks to terrorists, however, the rules have 
(лш. You сап no longer put stamped packages weighing 
over a pound into a mailbox. You need to take them to the 
post office or get them “franked,” which requires one of those 
machines that puts a unique ID on the postage mark. About a 
month ago 1 started using stamps.com, a Windows program 
that lets me print postage franks at home. Stamps.com has 
two programs: You can pay $16 a month and buy all the 
postage you want, or simply pay a 10 percent 
premium on the postage you buy. I go with the 
second plan, since I spend less than $150 per 


your stamps.com account using your credit card, 
you can print postage direcily onto an envelope 
or onto gummed labels. J love it. But one draw- 
back: This only works for packages that weigh 


month on postage. After you transfer funds into А dantz 


five pounds or less, 
so I guess I won't be 
uns that old hi- 
achi up for auction 
anytime soon. 


MOSTLY SEX 


‘The Daze Reader (dazereader.com) is a news site about “sex, 
culture, technology, art, poli gossip, ideas, drugs and rock 
and roll . . . but mostly sex. ere's great stuff on here, like a 
news item about a banned TV commercial for Agent Provoca- 
teur lingerie. Best of all, Daze provides a link so you can watch 
the commercial (agentprovocateur.com/site/movies/cinema 
KylieNarrow.html). Don't miss the rest of Agent Provoca- 
teur's site, either. You can buy some excellent lingerie for your 
wife or girlfriend. 


SONG POEMS 


In the Sixties and Seventies, many popular magazines ran 
small advertisements inviting people to send in their poems to 
за be considered for song lyrics. Once the poor suckers submit- 


All about sex, culture, technology, art, politics, gossip, ideas, drugs 


ted their poems, they gota package in the mail full of enticing 
literature painting a rosy picture of their future as fabulously 
well paid songwriters. And, for just a few hundred dollars, 
they could get their poems turned into real 45s, recorded by 
professional musicians. Of course, the poor suckers never re- 
ceived a dime back, because no record company would be 
willing to listen to song poems. The American Song Poem 
Music Archives (aspma.com) is a repository of MP3 song-po- 
ems. I can't get enough of this music. Most of it is clunky and 
rough, but oddly intriguing. I've got Psychic Cigarette on my 
heavy-rotation list. 


QUICK HITS 


Read the latest headlines about senseless violence and wanton 
incontinence at 30,000 feet at skyrage.org. . . . Get crash in- 


surance for your hard drive 
Retrospect Backup 5.0 


with Retrospect Backup, a 
jew edition for program designed for both 
Mac OS Xis available! 


PCs and Macs. It costs about 
Download yours now! 


i 


mul 


Retrospect. J11 


$50, and you can 
download a trial 
version for free at 
Is it fun to pretend that you're a giant who 
ying glass? You 
OK 


dantz.com. ... 
likes to fry hapless citizens with a big magn 
bet it is: bossmonster.com/games/anteity.himl. . . . I 
to accept kyande from strangers? Find out at this glossary of 
Japanese sex slang: members.aol.com/cobaltjade/Other/Jap 


slang.html. . . . Finally, a website for fans of the camel-toe 
(a.k.a. crotch cleavage): cameltoe.org. . . . Giants walk among 
us—or at least they stand on top of car dealerships and lum- 
beryards. Meet them here: infomagic.net/~martince/huge 
bein.htm. . . . Not sure which DVD you should rent tonight? 
Let MovieLens use artificial intelligence to find something 
that you'll like: movielens.umn.edu/main.cgi. . . . Do you fall 
asleep in front of the television before Letterman and Leno 
deliver their monologs? You can catch last night's one-liners at 
newsmax.com/liners.shtml. 


You can contact Mark Frauenfelder by e-mail at livingonline 
@playboy.com. 


Placing a winning bid at Playboy Auctions is cause to celebrate. 


Especially when the party's at Hef's place. 


Invitations to private events at the Playboy Mansion. 


ony а auctions.playboy.com 


So SKS 
BARE BONES 


Michael Connelly has carned his spot on best-seller lists with 
almost a dozen dark, dense, carefully plotted novels of the 
type known as police procedurals. Detective Harry Bosch is a 
moody, thoughtful homicide cop who is as far removed from 
an action hero as Sherlock is from Schwarzenegger. The joy of 
reading one of the Bosch books is watching him munch on the 
details of a case, then work his way through its contradictions 
and false leads. In City of Bones (Little, Brown), Bosch deals 
with a cold casc. After 
an afternoon run, a dog 
returns home with the 
bone of a long-dead 
child clutched in its 
jaws. This is the kind of 
opcning you'd expect 
from a mystery featur- 
ing a female forensic 
anthropologist or cor- 
oner. That character 
here, a publicity-hun- 
gry expert fresh from 
Court TV, makes an ap- 
pearance with tragic 
consequences. As Bosch 
interviews neighbors in the arca of the crime scene, Connelly 
takes a textured look at Los Angeles—the culs-de-sac where 
crimes can be committed and then go undetected for decades. 
When Bosch falls for a risk-taking rookie cop, the mysteries of 
his heart arc as fascinating as those of old bones—though the 
outcome is seldom as satisfying. Connelly is a master story- 
teller in peak form. JAMES R. PETERSEN 


- AGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


Our only gripe 
rd Его! 


NOT SUFFICIENTLY DERANGED 


What a strange concept—a coflec-table book about punk. If 
ever a subject should resist effete treatment, it's the bottle- 
throwing negativism of the Seventies. Yet nihilism is now just 
another lifestyle choice, as authors Stephen Cole- 

grave and Chris Sullivan make 

clear in Punk (Thun- 
der's Mouth). Safely 
appropriated and com- 
modificd, the energy 
and anger of punk are 
gone. In place of Sid Vi- 
cious we have Billie Joe 
Armstrong. The book's 
subtitle claims this is a de- 
finitive record of a revolu- 
tion, but it isn't. Colegrave 
and Sullivan (the creators 
of The Beatles Anthology) are 
more concerned with the 
look of punk than with mu- 
sic or ideas. You'll find, for 
some reason, Gisele Bünd- 

chen, yet you won't find photographer Godlis. There's too 
much of the UK and not enough of the U.S., too much Vivi- 
enne Westwood and not enough Stiv Bators. If you want a 
more accurate look at the scene, go to Hilly Kristal's CBGB 
website (cbgb.com). Punk wasn't about spiky hair and torn 
shirts; it was about setting the world on fire. But if you like 
your punk slick, this book is for you. ^ —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


TABLOID 
TRUTH 


No pop culture library 
is complete without Paul 
Young's LA Exposed (St. 
Martin's). It reveals the lurid 
truth behind the rumors, myths 
and urban legends in Tinseltown. 
Is Jamie Lee Curtis a hermaphro- 
dite? Did Richord Gere use a ger- 
bil as a sex toy? Were David Gef- 
fen and Keanu Reeves married 
in a top-secret ceremony? 
We could spill oll, but why 
spoil the fun? 

—PATTY LAMBERTI 


CLEAN CUT 
Over the course of a life- 
time the average man will 
have to shave 20,000 
times. He will shed 27 feet 
of facial hoir and endure 
countless nicks ond cuts. 
The Art of Shaving (Clark- 
son Potter), written by Myr- 
iam Zaoui ond Eric Malka, 
cuts to the cheek with 
fips ond techniques for 
the perfect shave—as 
smooth as a boby's bot- 
tom.—HELEN FRANGOULIS 


S AMERICA, 
rm OR RETTES x 


BURNS SLOWER 
—LASIS LONGER — 


Filtered Pall Mall gives you more puffs 
than other major brands 


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Winston, Camel, and Doral are registored trademarks of RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company. Camel 
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and Basic Filter Box 100's 


.»Iaybo 
BRANDE STRAIGHT UP 


We asked Brande Roderick, 2001 Play- 
mate of the Year, for her opinion of 
the provocative shows on Playboy TV. 
Brande herself considered participating 
in a celebrity Big 
Brother, which is 
a tame version of 
Playboy TV's 7 
Lives Xposed (web- 
cams broadcast 
the sex 

lives of 


seven zu 
roommates 
brought together by adult star Dev- 


inn Lane). No matter where the room- “ 


mates are in the house, the cameras 
catch them. "Everybody loves reality TV, 
and 7 Lives Xposed shows what everyone 
wants to see,” says Brande. “You get the 
real deal because the cameras stay on all 
day and night. I was tempted to do Big 
Brother to earn money for my charity, 
Gity of Hope, but I would have been 
stuck in that house for six days with no 
contact with the outside—no e-mail, no 
boyfriends, nothing. Unfortunately, that 
fell through.” 
Brande also digs Playboy 
TV's Naughty Amateur 
Home Videos, which fea- 
tures erotic footage 
sent in by viewers. 
“If a guy out there 
thinks that he’s doing 
something odd but 
then sees some- 
one doing it on the 
show, he'll feel bet- 
ter knowing he's 
working it like 


" everyone else," she 
says. "He can al- 
so pick up some 
sexual pointers." 


“Night Calls and 
Julia Ann ond Night Calls 411 are 
Taylor Hayes dore helpful when you 
you to try out for 


have sexual ques- 
Naughty Amateur tions," says Brande. 
38 Home Videos. 


"It's great to listen 


to average pcople talking 
frankly about sexuality 
and relationships." 
Brandc relates to Sexy 
Girls Next Door, the show 
in which beauties compete 
to be in a professional 
Playboy video. How did 
Brande overcome her fear 
of posing nude? “Lots of 
tequila," she says. Her ad- 
vice to potential contes- 
tants? “Play to the camera 
and don't think about the 
people around you. Have 
fun with it. I drank mar- 
garitas and champagne. 
I also pretended that a 
certain celebrity was in 
the camera. That made 
it easy.” 
Her pick of assign- 
ments on the documen- 


| tary news show Sexcetera? S&M clubs. “I 
used to go dancing with my 
friends at an S&M club in San 
Francisco, and there was a 
little room where they would 
do all of this crazy stuff. I've 
never understood how some- 
one could think pain felt 
good, but I'd like to find 

In her 

& own life, Brande 


out more." 


will next be por- 
traying a medical student 


with a thirst for blood in Drac- 
ula: Resurrection, which is the sequel to 
Wes Craven's Dracula 2000. The 27-year- 


THIS MONTH'S PICKS 


away, so let's just say that the 

ideo is filled with vignettes of | 

on "Moy 7, a few ee ps iius 
the new PMOY is announced. 
Remember the last time you 

‘ond your lover th i 


real 
COUPLES III 


Po 


the dressing room, the pork ke 


hot if your lust was. exposes j 
on оре? en is 


old former Baywatch Hawaii star is also 
winding down her reign as Playmate of 
the Year. "I've had a great 
time during my reign," she 

says. "One of the 
real highlights 
has been working 
with City of Hope, 
which researches 
cancer, diabetes 
and AIDS. 1 try 
to help with the 
charity as much as 
possible, because 
it’s a great cause. I have friends 


Calls 411. 


\ RD, 


who have been affected by all three.” 


WHY IS PLAYBOY TV GOING ALL THE WAY TO JAMAICA TO FIND A GIRL NEXT DOOR? 


Because Hedonism Ili in Runaway Bay is the best piace to find beauti 


| women. Playboy 


TV will be there looking for hot girls June 13 to 16 to compete for a chance to appear 


on the hit show Sexy Girls Next Door. The debauchery 
will be hosted and judged 

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ties from Night Calls 411 

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port? You're invited to 

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coll agg SEER, ex- 


теп SSE 


BAD GIRLS MAKE 
GOOD COMPANY. 


pane. EN i M 
== a 
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Hecho en México. Desde 1795. 


layboy.com 


It's been our sexy experiment in dig- 
ital democracy. Playboy's Cyber Girls 
first showed up on computer screens 


in September 2000, and in January Check out uncensored footage of 
2001 Cyber Club mem- a South Padre bikini contest, in 


bers voted for which the contestants flash as of- 
their first Cyber VER. ten as Playboy's cameras do and 
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Now we have an- crowd rocking. Go behind the 
other first to pre- scenes of nude photo shoots with 


Our security guys were helpless 
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to concede that the spring break- 
ers got the hottest personal pho- 
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At cyber.playboy.com, members 
get the photos to go with the dirt. 


sent: Playboy's in- 
augural Cyber Girl 

of the Year, Eri 

Michelle Barré. 

"When I got the call, 

I thought it was a 

joke,” Erika told us 

from her home in St. 

Martin. "I found out 

on the night of my fa- 

ther's birthday, so we 

turned it into a dual cel- | | 
ebration, complete with 

several bottles of Dom Pérignon.” As 


Cyber Girl of the 
Year, Erika spent a week 
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_ IN THEIR OWN WORDS 


“love that people think I'm o sex sym- 
bol, ond I don't wont to diminish thot. 
| But | want to prove that | can do more 
_ then stick my boobs out.”—Playmate 
of the Year 1997 Victoria Silvstedt 


` “Money never hurts. | need somebody | 
` fo toke соге of me. I'm an only child, 
and I like to be dominated." —Miss Oc- 
tober 2000 Nichole Van Croft 


"| like my sex and my music the 
| some way—hard and fost."— Cyber Girl 
|. Sydney Moon 


HEF ILLUSTRATED tion's ultimate playbook), take a tour of 
the Playboy Mansion West or check out 
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Hugh Hefner, who aspired to be a car- 
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world's most famous magazine publish- 
er, has often been the subject of artists’ 


our favorite spring break babes. Who 
knows? You may even see that cute girl 


pens and paintbrushes. In Playboy.com's in your Chaucer class. 
pages (hughhefner.com) you'll find Mr. — THRONGS IN 
Playboy immortalized by such renowned THONGS 


You don't need wa- 
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test spring break re- 
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sun, sand and the 
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com has rounded up. “I'll never forget 
Daytona Beach in 1999 
com photographer. 
was shooting members of the Playboy 
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rpm a off their tops, about 300 hungover 
artists as New York line drawer Al Hirsch- and sunburned spring breakers— 
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LeRoy Neiman. Images from television 
feature Hef with the likes of Matt Groen- — Ployboy.com features the real girls gone 
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Hank Hill. Elsewhere you can read the flashing on South Podre or getting busy 
40 Playboy Philosophy (the sexual revolu- іп Daytona, we hove it oll. 


By ASA BABER 


THIS COLUMN is not about you or me. Af- 
ter all, we've never dated women who 
fooled around behind our backs. How 
do we know? Because we are too hand- 
some and virile and debonair to put up 
with that kind of disloyalty. And every- 
body knows we are hung like horses and 
wield tongues like 10-inch skillets and 
have so many notches on our weenies 
that they resemble raw cube steak. You 
and me, jefe, we are irresistible to our 
women and have always kept these same 
women totally satisfied and under con- 
trol, right? 

OK, let's just say this column is about 
somebody Besides you and me—a good 
nd of ours. Yeah, that's the ticket: 
This is about some wimpy sap of a guy 
who couldn't keep his woman satisfied 
and lost her at the movies while he was 
getting popcorn, after which he learned 
that she had been carrying on with his 
best friend (or brother, cousin, neighbor. 
personal trainer, office colleague, her gy- 
necologist, religious advisor, postman, 
etc.), after which he received a Dear John 
letter announcing that she was moving 
on to studlier pastures, so would he please 
send her books, clothes, furniture, cats 
and quilts to her new address in Hawaii. 

For the sake of our egos, gentlemen, 
we should make it clear to everyone that 
our interest in discussing the sensitive 
question of how men deal with female 
infidelity is purely academic and has nev- 
er touched us personally. (However, im- 
mediately after we make that claim, we 
should prepare a table for ourselves in 
Liars Hell, simply because no man goes 
through life without daung at least one 
woman who steps out on him, leaving 
him feeling gypped, insulted, hurt and 
confused.) 

Sure, being cheated on by a mate un- 
doubtedly happens more often to wom- 
en than to men. You can never underes- 
timate the male potential for random 
horniness. But if we are honest about i 
we will admit that being deceived in ro- 
mance happens to us, too—and when it 
does, we usually have no idea how to 
handle it. Indeed, female faithlessness 
ranks among the top 10 male fears (right 
up there with death, castration, IRS au- 
dits and the heartbreak of psoriasis). Its 
impact is even worse on us, because we 
never talk about it. 

Think for a minute: What is the oldest 
living institution in human history? The 
female coffee klatch, of course, wherein 
a bunch of women sit around the kitch- 
en table (or the office watercooler) every 
morning and lament the tragic treat- 
ment they receive from the male sex, es 
pecially the average man's inability to 
keep his zipper zipped. Girls talk it out 


HER 
CHEATIN' HEART 


and help one another recover from the 
battles of the sex wars. 

But how many men are willing to ad- 
mit that they've been cuckolded? That 
is the $64 billion question, and since I 
asked it, allow me to be the first to con- 
fess: The first time it happened to me, I 
was a teenager and in boot camp. My 
platoon had been in the field for several 
days, training to serve our country, and 
at mail call back at the barracks 1 got the 
bad news, packed like cordite in a pretty 
perfumed envelope addressed in deli- 
cate feminine handwriting. The woman 
I had been steadily dating had found life 
boring without me, she wrote, but guess 
what? She wasn't bored anymore. As a 
matter of fact, I quickly discovered, she 
hadn't been bored for a long time. Some- 
one had been amusing her frequently 
for the past year, and she now realized 
she loved him best. 

My first reactions to this were feelings 
of anger and competitiveness. I had 
been bested by another man, and it had 
happened right under my nose. Nobody 
could do that to macho Ace. I had just 
fired expert with both rifle and pistol 
and could paratroop-shuffle through 
heat and rain for miles with a full pack. 
Who could fuck with me? Was I not 
invincible? 

But those inflated and defensive feel- 
ings quickly resolved into decp sham 
coupled with the sincere belief that I was 
the only man in the world who had ever 
experienced anything like this. Not only 
did I see myself as weak and unmanly 
because she had cheated on me while 
she was supposedly committed to me, 
but I was also flying solo in boot camp 
with no one to talk to. I had failed as a 


man, and 1 hated what it was doing to 
me. But I was damned if I was going to 
talk to anyone else about it. 

Even cowboys get the blues when their 
women wander off the range and con- 
sort with other hombres, so if these 
words describe a place you're in or a 
place you've been, here are three max- 
ims for surviving the aftershocks of her 
cheatin' heart: 

Payback hurts when the tables are turned, 
but that does not mean you didn't deserve it. 
In the midst of your anger and shame at 
being fooled by a woman you thought 
you loved and trusted, consider this: 
Unless you are a rare member of the 
male gender, the odds are that you have 
done to others what has just been done 
to you. Somewhere in your checkered 
past, you two-timed a woman who as- 
sumed you were being faithful to her. 
You even enjoyed juggling more than 
one woman at once. So a healthy reac- 
tion to your difficulties would be to con- 
duct a reality check on your own life. 
Payback comes in many forms and at 
surprising times, but it always does. If it 
is your turn in the payback bull's-eye, 
smile and take it like a man. Then forget. 
about it. 

"Girls are like taxis: Another one will come 
along soon." That is a quote from the late, 
great father of your favorite Men colum- 
nist. He said it to comfort me shortly af- 
ter that boot camp incident. He could 
see me moping around when I returned, 
and he wanted to help. Maybe it sounds 
like politically incorrect advice today, but 
so what? It works. This glorious globe is 
populated by billions of smart, gorgeous, 
loving and humorous women. They run 
like a roaring river through our lives, 
so if one of them snubs us, another one 
might not. How do you recover from her 
cheatin’ heart? It’s simple. Don't grieve; 
socialize! 

Caveat sucker (sucker beware). Cheating 
in all areas of life has become a nation- 
al pastime in America, so any man who 
unwittingly blindsided by an unfaith- 
ful partner has probably been living in 
a cocoon of self-delusion. The concepts 
of loyalty and fidelity and integrity in 
relationships between people today— 
whether in romantic liaisons or hard- 
nosed business negotiations or athletic 
competitions—are as rare as a truthful 
annual report from Enron. Many of our 
political, corporate and cultural lead- 
ers have spread the virus of dishonesty 
across the land, and that stuff is conta- 
gious (not that most of those leaders 
seem to give a damn). So it should come 
as no surprise to us when some of our fe- 
male friends are similarly infected. To 
paraphase: Deceit happens. 


41 


o wheels, an engine and 
u can own a 2002 Blast 
38203 for the 


For what you spend each month worst 
plenty of forward motion. The Buell” Blast? is the 
for less than $80 a month” No license? No r 
Buell/HarleyDavidson dealer nearest you. Or pull into v 


k up some quality programming: 
Especially when yt 


ог сач Duel ri 

Ol purchase. Tha fd Атый Percentage Rate (APR) subject io chango йом! notice ad vel range between 8.99% 

о 1880 based 1 De conser pas ra работеха, sd Л murum se france Чире Certan sisia rents 
ns 


Кага دد‎ "Different in every sense: 


IMERICAN MOTORCYCLES. 


hey...10S personal 


To Sea, to Sea 


What do Lenny Krovitz ond the kings of Spoin and Sweden have in common? All own 
o Mognum Marine boot, the gold standord in the luxury-powerboat industry. Pictured 
here is o Magnum 80 Sport, the exterior of which wos designed by Pininfarino. (“The 
Stealth bomber wos the inspiration for the craft's ongular lines,” according to a 
spokesperson from Magnum Marine.) Fuel capacity is 1500 gallons, and you'll need 
every drop when the boot's two 1800 hp engines fire up. Top speed: about 60 mph. 
The interior is custom-crafted in Italy ond can include up to four double stoterooms 
(each with a separate head), o salon, a galley and o crew cabin. Price: starting at 
$4.6 million. If that's too steep, the Mognum 44 begins at only $890,000. 


Oriental Expressions 


You've seen Martin Yan on public television. He's the punster whose 
Yan Can Cook show tells Americans thot they must learn to wok be- 
fore they con run wild in preparing Asion delicacies. His new cook- 
book, Martin Yan's Asian Favorites (10 Speed Press), is a componion 
to his latest YCC series. In it, Yon trovels to Hong Kong and Taiwon, 
then visits Thailond for the first 
time. Throughout, he samples 
and experiments with local deli- 
cacies and deconstructs and 
odapts recipes for his audience. 
Among the treats thot caught 
our eye wos this cookie-cutter 
fish appetizer ot right. Decep- 
tively simple to make, it com- 
bines solmon, shiitoke mush- 
rooms, Chinese eggplant ond 
toro root, ond hos a plum 
souce for dipping. Other inter- 
esting dishes include Yon's 
steamed fish in bonana leof, 
and fried oysters in roasted chile 
poste. Despite Yan's hideous 

| puns, the book—and perhops 


FIST OVER SO 


even his series—is pretty useful 


NTRACK 


Great Basins 


Many of the trendi- 
est hotels—the Hud- 
son in New York, 
the Clift in San Fron- 
cisco and the Delano 
in Miami—showcase 
Philippe Storck-de- 
signed bathrooms, 
and for good reason. 
Storck's relotionship 
with Duravit, a 
monufocturer of fine 
tubs, toilets, towel racks, 
bidets, mirrors ond 
more, helped transform 
both furnishings. Pic- 
tured here ore three of 
his new washbosins. The 
pair ot the top measure 
18" in diometer and cost 
$995 eoch. The one in 
d the center features a 
foucet hole thot projects into 
the bosin (also $995). The 
hond-rinse unit at the bottom 
hos o slightly conicol form and 
on oversize bosin (5450) 
None of the prices include the 
faucets, countertops or sup- 
ports. You hove to be finan- 
cially flush to hove a Philippe 
Storck bathroom. 


bà. 


Prowler Arrested 


It's fitting that the lost 300 Prowlers to be manufoctured by 
DoimlerChrysler will be painted deep condy red—o classic 
hot-rod hue. “The color will use o new point technology that 
makes the cor sparkle in bright light,” said Tom Marinelli, vice 
president, Chrysler/Jeep Global Brond Center. More than 
11,000 Prowlers have been sold since 1997, when the vehicle 
hit showrooms. The most populor color? Black. (All told, 1911 
were sold.) The lost model will feoture the some 253 hp V6 
engine os previous versions did ond on AutoStick shifter thot 
ollows the driver to chonge geors by tapping the geor lever. 
The price: about $45,000. Since the Prowler has no trunk, 
you might want to pop for a matching troiler. It’s $5075 


Clothesline: 
Dr. Drew CA 


The relationship doctor 
who co-hosts the syndicat- 
ed TV show Men Are From 
Mars, Women Are From 
Venus confesses thot he 
used to be clueless when it 
come to fashion: “| didn't 
give a crop obout clothing, 
ond I hod a wordrobe per- 
son for years." All this 
chonged when Dr. Drew 
learned he wos going to 
be on TV. Then he become 
o veritable Mr. Blackwell. 
"Armani hos the best-cut 
coats in the world. But 
Vestimento and Hugo Boss 
also fit me. | like Mossimo for edgy cosual and Banono Republic 
sweaters for not so edgy. One of my favorite orticles of clothing 
is o poir of Abercrombie & Fitch flonnel tie-up ponts thot I wear 
when 1 do radio shows lote ot night. They feel like pojomos." 

Dr. Drew's favorite ploce to shop? Borneys in Beverly Hills. "You 
con hove a nice lunch upstairs." 


Guys Are Talking About... 


Luxurious hotels. The Mormon Tabernacle is Salt Loke City's 
most renowned building, but the new Grand America hotel 
(below) could soon top it. Owner Eorl Holding, who has deep 
pockets, spared no expense when he built his opulent 775- 
room European boutique-style hotel on 20 acres in the heart of 
town. More than 300,000 square feet of Vermont white granite 
grace the bathrooms, the grand lobby and the halls, plus there 
are crystol chandeliers galore, custom mattresses made 
specifically for the hotel ond hand- 

sewn English wool carpet- 

ing. No wonder it took five 

years to build. Room rates 

range from $235 for a single 

to $4500 for the 3000- 

square-foot presidentiol suite. 

The latter has two fireploces, 

two balconies, his-and-hers 

bothrooms, a dining table for 

six ond o full kitchen. The 

Grand America is a member of 

the Leading Hotels of the World, a marketing firm with picky 
guest-comfort standards. € Golf survival. The authors of The 
Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating and Sex and 
one on travel have come up with another book in the series: 
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Golf. "How to Tee 
Off in Front of a Crowd," "How to Thwart a Cheat,” "How to 
Disarm an Irate Golfer” and "How to Deal With an Alligator 
Neor Your Ball" are some of the chapters. The information on 
"How to Survive Being Hit in the Goolies” is also helpful. 
Goolies is the Scottish term for cojones. 


BUY ON PAGE 


"Genuine 
Dever $ 


STOLI.COM 


Russian vodka. 
een a breed $o pure." 


S: TE 
СОГ IL, EC TI ON 


Mine Playboy Advisor 


| know the house has the advantage in 
all casino games, but will I get the same 
odds at an online site? Who regulates ca- 
sinos that exist only on computers?—B.S., 
Oro Valley, Arizona 

Most siles claim to provide the same or 
better odds than Vegas—their overhead is 
lower, and they offer enticements such as 
credits with each deposit—but there's no way 
to know for sure. That's because there's not 
yet an online equivalent of the Ncvada Gam- 
ing Control Board. As a result, the industry 
is largely self-regulated. Word travels quick- 
ly on the Net, and casinos that cheat cus- 
tomers or are slow on the payout don't last 
long. Most sites also license their software 
from publicly traded companies that oversee 
the betting and can't afford even a hint of 
scandal. Finally, for whatever it’s worth, the 
countries where the gaming house sets up ils 
servers—often in the Caribbean—have li- 
censing processes designed to weed out the 
crooks. You realize, of course, that the fed- 
eral government and every state except Ne- 
vada consider online gambling illegal. The 
police aren't going to knock on your door, 
but they also aren't going to be there if you 


get ripped off 


А year ago 1 told my wife she had the 
freedom to be with other men. A couple 
of days ago, she took me up on the offer. 
The man is a friend, and I'm having 
a hard time with it. I asked her not to 
sleep with him again until I could accept 
it. My wife is disappointed, but under- 
standing. Now I feel like an ass. How can 
I get over these feelings of inadequacy? I 
want to give my wife what she desires.— 
J.S., Lawrence, Kansas 

Did she ask for her freedom, or did you 
volunteer it? Giving your wife what she de- 
sires should turn you on—if not, you're giv- 
ing away too much. A large part of the prob- 
lem is that she's sleeping with a friend, and 
you imagine they have or will develop an 
emotional bond. A guy may fantasize about 
his wife's fucking another man, bul it’s on- 
ly her body he's sharing. Perhaps you can 
arrange lo give your wife this freedom in a 
place where neither of you has anything in- 
vested but the pursuit of pleasure. Find a 
swing club where you can arrive and leave 
as a couple. You may feel more comfortable 
with this arrangement, especially if you're 
getting a blow job at the time. The next letter 
describes a similar situation. 


My husband and I went to a bar one 
night, and a female friend of ours hit on 
me. Later, my husband wanted to know 
why I hadn't let her continue so he could 
watch. A few months later we ran into 
the woman at a party. This time, I had 
enough wine in me to let her kiss me. 1 


glanced over and my husband looked 
shocked. Suddenly I felt dirty, like a per- 
vert. My husband said he was upset be- 
cause of all the people there who might. 
have seen us. 1 thought I was fulfilling a 


fantasy for him. Can you explain? 
Youngstown, Ohio 

Your husband prefers to keep his fantasies 
behind closed doors, or at least in the relative 
anonymity of a bar. He likes to watch, but he 
doesn't want to be watched while he's watch- 
ing. If he hopes to sec you with another wom- 
an, he didn't play his hand well. 


T.B., 


| have seen catalogs that offer sex toys 
made of cyberskin. Supposedly it feels 
like the real thing. Гуе read elsewhere 
that it's hard to keep clean, that bits of 
it can break off and that it should be 
cleaned with talc, which has been linked 
to cervical cancer. What do you know 
about i? —M.C., Boston, Massachusetts 
The sex toy store Good Vibrations sent us a 
dildo and a fake vagina (positioned al the 
end of a 10-inch cylinder called the Flesh- 
light) so we could handle the stuff ourselves. 
We found it to be soft, pliable and clammy. It 
also easily picked up smudges, was difficult 
to clean and looked like bits could flake off. 
Yet we can understand the appeal—every 
guy who stopped by our office stuck his finger 
inside, then examined his digit as if he felt it 
should be wet. Good Vibrations recommends 
using cornstarch rather than tale to preserve 
the surface of the toys, and to rinse it off 
before penetration. However, cyberskin be- 
comes stickier after being washed, which at- 
tracts more grunge. You could slide condoms 
over the toys before you use them, but that 
certainly doesn't help the fantasy. Despite 
these drawbacks, the Fleshlight sells well 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


enough, and you also can find butt plugs 
and even fake mouths that are made of 
cyberskin. The question is, does anyone buy 
them a second time? 


The letter in January from the reader 
who asked if a woman always bleeds the 
first time she has sex brought back mem- 
ories. When 1 was in college, I dated a 
woman who told me she was a vir; 
But when we made love, there was no 
blood. She insisted she had never had 
sex before. I believed her, and I told her 
so. I also told her it didn’t matter, be- 
cause anything that had happened be- 
fore she met me was none of my con- 
cern. We've been married now for more 
than 30 years. The sex is still great. And 
it still doesn't matter.—].F., Woodbridge, 
Virginia 
You said it. 


My girlfriend says that she feels numb, 
usually in her hands, after she has an or- 
gasm. Is this normal?—C.T., State Col- 
lege, Pennsylvania 

Better loosen those handcuffs. Actually, 
temporary numbness is common and occurs 
because the blood was needed elsewhere, 
namely in her genitals. People have even 
been known to faint after orgasm. 


As I've gotten older, I have acquired a 
taste for good scotch: single malt, at least 
18 years old. My problem is that I drink 
it only on the rocks. Am I ruining $150 
scotch by pouring it over ice?—N.G., 
Minneapolis, Minnesota 

JUs your scotch and your money, so you 
can drink it any way you want. But you're 
missing much of the flavor. If you were to of- 
fer us a glass, we'd take it neat. That's also 
how it's traditionally served in the UK. If 
you need a dash of water, there are pitchers 
around the pub. While we're on the topic, 
older whiskeys don't necessarily taste better: 
If anything, they start to taste more like the 
oak barrel. You'll find more good whiskeys in 
their teens than older. 


A few years ago the Advisor stated that 
“the only reliable way to increase the vol- 
ume of your ejaculation is to hold off 
from having sex or masturbating for a 
few days." I know I'm behind in my read- 
ing, but I have a technique for increas- 
ing volume and distance. Here it is: (1) 
Whatever method you use to come, 
make sure it's consistent. Don't surprise 
your penis. (2) Keep all the promises you 
make to your body. For example, at the 
moment you feel yourself about to come 
during a blow job, don't pull your penis 
away. Come all over her face, because 
your penis thinks that's what you're 


47 


going to do. If you don't, your body will 
consider you a promise breaker. (3) Use 
your imagination. It's easier for me to 
have a forceful orgasm if I have a fresh 
fantasy in mind. I don't have a large pe- 
nis, but ГИ match my ejaculations—for 
volume, intensity and distance—against 
any porn stud.—M.A., Troy, New Jersey 

It sounds like you're ready to audition. 
Your methods may provide more force, but 
not more volume. Penis has nothing to 
do with how much semen you produce. And 
you won't have a second chance to work on 
your technique if you comc on a woman's 
face without her OK. 


PLAYBOY 


е read that commercial sex in all і 
forms is the fourth-largest industry 
the U.S. That includes videos, maga- 
zines, websites, topless bars, prostitution, 
phone sex, fetish services, etc. Do you 
know of any statistics to back this ир2— 
C.H., Van Nuys, California 

It's fourth behind food, shelter and cloth- 
ing. There are no hard figures, only wild 
guesses. We've seen estimates of $10 billion. 
$11 billion, $13 billion, $14 billion and 
$20 billion, excluding prostitution. Because 
most adult businesses are privately held and 
don't have to release financial data to stock- 
holders, we're left with extrapolations from 
sales. For example, the Video Software Deal- 
ers Association estimates that Americans 
spend $8.4 billion each year to rent videos 
and DVDs. It guesses that porn rentals make 
up three percent to five percent of that total, 
or $253 million to $422 million. A survey of 
adults-only stores by Adult Video News found 
they earn a total of $970 million annually 
from sales and rentals. A VSDA survey of 90 
stores that carry mainstream and adult titles 
found that porn accounts for an average of 
16 percent of their gross. Using that figure, 
AVN pegs the total hard-core video and 
DVD market at $4 billion, not including 
mail order. Forbes calls that number “wild- 
ly inflated" and points out that cuen if each 
of the 13,000 porn titles released annually 
sold 2000 copies al $20 apiece—all gener- 
ous assumplions—the total would be just 
$520 million. The magazine estimates the an- 
nual gross from adult movies, websites, pay- 
per-view and magazines at $2.6 billion to 
$3.9 billion. So, who knows? We'll start sav- 
ing our receipts. 


While working out at a gym I discov- 
ered not one, but two orgasmic pieces 
of equipment. Both are abdominal ma- 
chines. One has you strap yourself into 
a seat and lift your legs into a crunch. 
With the other you lie on your back with 
your knees bent and lift your upper 
body into a crunch. I couldn't believe the 
intense feelings. The more reps I did, 
the closer 1 came to climaxing. My face 
turned red, my pussy was buzzing and I 
was so embarrassed that 1 left the room. 
How can 1 duplicate that intensity dur- 
ing sex with my boyfriend?—Y.L., Long 
48 Beach, California 


You're the reason that gyms ask members 
to wipe down the machines. Why not enjoy 
yourself? Everyone turns red while they work 
out, and even if you scream, “Oh, God!” just 
follow it up with “Solid reps!" You certainly 
aren't alone. As she revealed this past July, 
Playmate Kerissa Fare has experienced the 
orgasmic benefits of leg lifts and sit-ups. It 
shouldn't be difficult to take these exercises 
home. Improvise as your boyfriend lies on his 
stomach and fingers and licks you, or have 
intercourse as he stands next to the bed. 
You're going to have killer abs. 


I was taking a shower with my girlfriend 
of a few months when out of the blue she 
pointed at my penis and made reference 
to the fact that she thought it was small 
and that her ex-boyfriend had one that 
was huge. As you can imagine, this ru- 
ined the mood. І measured my penis 
and it's 6.5 inches. I wish I could under- 
stand why she said this. Do you think it 
was a hint that she's not satisfied with 
me?—P T., Woodstock, New York 

It’s a hint that you're dating a woman 
who's ignorant, insensitive, immature or all 
of the above. You're on the large side of nor- 
mal, and you need a new girlfriend. 


When 1 took business law in college, a 
professor said that you can return any 
product, with no questions asked, if you 
could show that you were high, drunk or 
mentally incompetent when you bought 
it. True?—R.Y., Milwaukee, Wisconsin 

You must have heard this on the first day 
of class, because it's one of the basics of con- 
tract law. An agreement can't be binding if 
either party is not of sound mind. If you can 
prove you were drunk or stoned when you 
bought that sports car and that the seller 
knew you were in this state, you might he 
able to wriggle out of the deal. However, 
there would be plenty of questions asked. 
You'd also have to return the car the minute 
you sobered up. If you drove it around for a 
week, you wouldn't have a case. You want 
aim you were insane with lust when 
you signed the prenup. 


Ive been blessed—or cursed—with an 
odd fetish. I love to have girls sit on my 
face and cut off my oxygen supply. 1 
haven't figured out a good way to bring 
it up in conversation. Most of the time I 
just out and say it; other times I drop 
hints. Most women get squeamish when 
the topic comes up. I know other men 
enjoy this as well, but how do I arrange 
this pleasure? I suppose I'm just one 
of those submissive, dominatrix-paying 
types and I'll never be able to enjoy this 
with someone I love.—].S., Albuquer- 
que, New Mexico 

Why don’t you first find someone you love 
and who loves you? That may make it easier 
to negotiate. Your fetish, known as queening, 
also can be accomplished by having a woman 
hold your nose and mouth against her vulva 
with her thighs. As you know, this is a dan- 


gerous game. Cutting off someone's air for 
even a few minutes can have dire conse- 
quences. If you're a submissive, we can un- 
derstand why this turus you on. Controlling 
a person's breathing is as close as it gets to 
controlling his life, and when a person pan- 
ics from lack of oxygen, the body responds 
wilh a surge of adrenaline. But there's an- 
other problem besides potential brain dam- 
age. If you can't get excited except when a 
woman sufjocates you, she isn't going to find 
the sex that interesting. 


A friend sent me an article he found 
online that reads: "The secret to keep- 
ing pounds off may lie in the chemical 
makeup of semen. A 12-month study of 
200 women showed that those who per- 
formed fellatio to completion (swallow- 
ing) gained an average of 48 percent less 
weight than those who did not. Ме are 
focusing on an alkaline substance found 
semen,’ said Ingrid Fleischer, a pro- 
fessor of science and medicine at the 
University of Hamburg. 'By itself, it has 
no effect on burning calories, but when 
mixed with other elements in semen, 
the results are staggering.'” A group of 
us are debating whether this could be 
true.—R.K., Duluth, Minnesota 

Don't believe everything you read on the 
Internet. But pray slie docs. 


One night my roommates and I had a 
party, and this drunk girl grabbed me by 
the arm, dragged me into the bathroom 
and asked me to sit with her while she 
peed. She didn't make any moves on me, 
just pulled down her pants and sat on 
the john. When she was done, she pulled 
up her pants and thanked me, and we 
walked back to the party. A year later, a 
drunk girl at another party pulled me 
into the bathroom for the same routine. 
Are these women trying to hint that I 
should try something? Or were they just. 
showing how comfortable they feel with 
me as a friend?—R.G., Atlanta, Georgia 

Have you ever noticed how women always 
go to the john in pairs? One woman pees, 
and the other sits with her. No one is sure 
why. The parties you attended likely had 
more females who had to рес than who want- 
ed to sit, so the women grabbed you. Trouble 
is, it's not supposed to happen twice. Once 
you've sal with a woman, you're obligated to 
marry her and then spend your life waiting 
outside while she pees 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The mast 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


there but Tor the ce of god goes go 


LAM 

he Taliban, may they rest in para- 
N dise, taught the world a valuable 
N w.lesson: Theocracy sucks. That 
gang of religious thugs never rose 
to the level of government. Oh, they 
gave themselves important titles like 
the Ministry for the Promotion of Vir- 
tue and the Prevention of Vice. They 
had a code of laws that deemed 
as unclean "satellite dishes, cinema- 
tography, any equipment that pro- 
duces the joy of music, pool tables, 
chess, masks, alcohol, tapes, comput- 
ers, VCRs, televisions, anything that 
propagates sex and is full of music, 
wine, lobster, nail polish, firecrackers, 
statues, sewing catalogs, pictures and 
Christmas cards,” etc. That list, re- 
ported in The New York Times, sounds 
surprisingly familiar. We call it the 
good life. 

America has no shortage of reli- 

ious zealots who would turn the na- 

ion into a theocracy. Like the Tal- 
iban, our fundamentalists are adverse 
to having fun. Were it not for the Bill 
of Rights and a vigorous democ- 
racy, we might well be in the 
same paradise. Consider the 
following scorecard: 

Women’s rights: The Taliban 
forced women to abandon 
work and school. Women were 
not allowed to leave the house 
unless accompanied by a male rel- 
ative. Once outdoors, they were re- 
quired to wear a burqa that covered 
them from head to toe. The gender 
roles were clear: Men got to carry 
guns and lounge around telling sto- 
ries about kicking Russian butt, while 
women stayed at home. In America, 
the religious right managed to thwart 
an equal rights amendment. The 
men get to lounge around talking 
about kicking Russian butt. They cel- 
ebrate the stay-at-home mom, replac- 
ing the burqa with cellophane. (Fans 
of The Total Woman, a sex manual for 
Christian wives, are famous for greet- 
ing their husbands at the door clad 
only in Saran Wrap.) 

The right to read: The Taliban found 
truth in one book—the Koran. They 
would stop people in the street and 
ask them religious questions—their 
version of a Breathalyzer test. We 
have no shortage of fundamentalists 
who claim there is a single truth, the 


By PATTY LAMBERTI 


one in the Bible. They show up at li- 

braries to protest such classics as The 

Catcher in the Rye. They hound school 

boards because teachers assign fairy 
tales that “promote witchcraft.” 

Rock and roll: The Taliban banned 

pop music as intoxicating. One 

radio station broadcast pro-Tal- 

iban propaganda 24 hours a 

day. In America, preachers who 

burned the records of Elvis 

Presley and railed against rock, 

disco and rap got what they 

deserved—kids 

who thought 

anything that 

bugged par- 

ents was cool. 

As for power 


plays, the religious right pesters the 
Federal Communications Commis- 
sion into enforcing guidelines that 
ban swear words and sexual lyrics on 
the airwaves. 

Homosexuality: The Taliban killed 
several suspected homosexual men 
by crushing them beneath a wall with 
a tank. In America, our record is on- 
ly somewhat better. The Moral Major- 
ity railed against AIDS, gays in the 
military, gay marriage and Ellen De- 
generes. The power play has gone 
pretty far: Generals defend an absurd 


"don't ask, don't tell" détente, and 
congressmen pass the Defense of Mar- 
riage Act. On the other hand, we have 
Will and Grace and a gay cable chan- 
nel in the works. 

Small Business Administration: Dur- 
ing prayer time in Afghanistan, every- 
thing shuts down. If a shop owner 
were seen working during this time, 
his store would be closed for up to 
five days. In many places in America, 
blue laws still outlaw the sale of liquor 
on Sundays. 

Science and health: The Taliban for- 
bade male doctors to examine female 
patients (they could look only at the 
part in need of attention). Here the 
religious right has had some success 
controlling the relation: between 
women and doctors. On his first work- 
ing day in office, President George W. 
Bush banned funding overseas orga- 
nizations that discussed abortion. The 
government spends millions promot- 
ing abstinence education, but how 
many kids pay attention in school? 

Television: The Taliban banned tele- 
visions, VCRs and anything else that 

might promote sex and nudity. In 

America, the religious right has 
a love/hate relationship with TV. 
They complain about racy plots 
on Boston Public, but also use tele- 
vision to rip off the spiritually 
needy. The satellite dish is a giant 
collection plate. 
Toys: The Taliban banned dolls 
and kite flying. In America, Jerry 

Falwell criticizes Teletubbies, and 

some nutcase in the Bible Belt goes 

ballistic over a Where's Waldo? illus- 

tration that shows a sunbather with 

an exposed breast. No clear victory 
here for the zealots. 

Catalogs: The Taliban banned sew- 
ing catalogs with pictures. In Amer- 
ica, the religious right protests Vic- 
t 's Secret catalogs, Abercrombie 
and Fitch catalogs, the Spice cata- 
log—though the government does 
deliver them to your door, usually 
within the same year they are mailed. 

Retirement plans: According to The 
New York Times, the head of the Min- 
istry for the Promotion of Virtue and 
the Prevention of Vice was "chased 
down and shot to death by a group 
of youths." Here in America, we can 
still hope. 


49 


50 


T omorrow on your way to work, 


count the number of security 
cameras pointed at you. The last time 1 
did this, I stopped when I reached two 
dozen. Had they the energy or the sus- 
picion, security guards could have iso- 
lated me filling my Subaru at the cor- 
ner gas station, getting cash at the 
ATM drive-through, returning vid- 
eos to Blockbuster, carbo-loading at the 
24-hour convenience store, dropping 
off my kids at their schools, trying to 
squeeze into an atrophied indoor park- 
ing space that costs me $245 a month, 
entering the lobby of my workplace, 
boarding the elevator (from the lobby 
to my desk I pass five cameras), going 
across the street for a workout at the 
health club, grabbing a salad at a cafe- 
teria and window-shopping on Michi- 
gan Avenue (to capture my attention, a 
few shop owners put my image on tele- 
visions). Book and record stores keep 
track of my literary and musical taste 
or lack of it. There are the news he- 
licopters that monitor my commute 
home, radar guns that register my 
speed and cameras at intersections that 
snap a photo of my license plate if I run 
a red light. 

My experience is not unusual. Over 
a five-month period prior to December 
1998 (with regular updates since), vol- 
unteers for the New York Civil Liber- 
ties Union walked the streets of Man- 
hattan tallying spy cams. They spotted 
them inside alcoves and above garage 
doors, affixed to the walls of private 
and public buildings, on traffic-light 
and streetlight poles—virtually every- 
where. The Surveillance Camera Proj- 
ect team counted 2397 cameras, of 
which only about 300 appeared to be 
maintained by government entities. 
Big Brother is more likely to be a busi- 
nessman. Citibank has a video network 
connecting all its branches to a central 
control, putting a quarter million New 
Yorkers under its watchful eye each day. 

Using the NYCLU survey, a group of 
privacy advocates calling themselves 
the Institute for Applied Autonomy 
created a website (appliedautonomy. 
com) that challenges you to find a 
route between your Manhattan office 
and, say, Tony's House of Pain, with- 
out being captured on video. We're 
not saying it's impossible, but you may 
have to detour through South Dakota. 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


"This flicker of scrutiny, the visual ca- 
ress of high-tech cameras, has in a sin- 
gle generation become ubiquitous. The 
surveillance culture that George Or- 
well presented as the icon of tyranny is 
not only a common part of the Ameri- 
can experience, it is actively sought in 
the post-September 11 quest for a se- 
cure homeland. Nowadays, politicians 
and so-called security experts demand 
more cameras, and cities such as Vir- 
ginia Beach, Palm Springs and Boul- 
der City, Nevada rush to deploy sur- 


veillance systems. 
The cameras are supposed to pre- 
vent crime, but the litany of larcenous 
acts (and worse) preserved in grainy 
videotapes suggests otherwise. People 
rob banks and convenience stores ev- 
ery day. They are caught on camera 
but less often in real life. One of our fa- 
vorite police reports as described in The 
Miami Herald earlier this year: “The 
owner of Benny's Truck Sales told po- 


lice a burglar cut part of the cast fence, 
pried open a steel grill door and broke 
the front glass door to gain entry. Once 
inside, the burglar took a Ruger rifle, a 
12-gauge shotgun, between 12 and 15 
fishing rods, two computers with mon- 
itors, two laser printers, a fax machine 
and a surveillance camera." 

According to one Los Angeles detec- 
tive, graffiti artists who are targets of 
surveillance usually “rip off the cam- 
eras, break them, turn them away or 
shoot them up. It's a game. If they are 
doing illegal activities, they are going 
to make sure the cameras aren't work- 


ing." Resourceful business owners have 
come up with their version of a crash- 
proof black box. Police in California in- 
stalled a bullet-resistant, steel-encased, 
battery-powered Flashcam, triggered 
by a motion sensor device, at a location 
favored by taggers. The unit delivers a 
recorded warning, then snaps a photo. 
Somewhere there's a wanted poster of 
a blurred, paint-covered middle finger. 
Take a look at the close-up of Times 


LF O R u m 


Square taken from the NYCLU's map- 
ping project (all of Manhattan is shown 
at right). Despite the presence of sev- 
eral dozen cameras, over a 22-month 
period the surveillance resulted in 10 
arrests. There's no success like failure. 
Local politicians have called for the in- 
stallation of an additional 100 cameras 
in the Times Square area. 

Not a day goes by without a story on 
some new development that promises 
greater security. À report about a safety 
exercise at Phoenix' Bank One Ball- 
park, home of last year's World Series, 
described how three cops posing as ter- 
rorists infiltrated the stadium. They 
were spotted on camera, identified as 
the culprits and "neutralized" by a 
sharpshooter. The press dutifully re- 
ported the successful test of facial rec- 
ognition software. 

At Super Bowl XXXV in Tampa, se- 
curity forces tested a program that 
compares some 80 physiognomic indi- 
cators with faces in the crowd (even the 
ones with fluorescent fright wigs and 
rude slogans painted on their foreheads) 
with a data bank of known felons. 

Tampa police subsequently used a 
biometric recognition program that com- 
"pared people who were caught on sev- 
eral dozen cameras with a database of 
30,000 wrongdoers. The earliest logs 
showed promise. The Face-It software 
identified 14 possible matches. Of the 
14 matches, all were false positives-Eor- 


tunately, no snipers tried to neutralize 


those threats. 

The system set off alarms four or five 
times a night. When police set the soft- 
ware to a more stringent standard, not 
a single match appeared. The project 
was discontinued without anyone be- 
ing arrested. 

People familiar with the technolo- 
gy say that even under the best con- 
ditions—a subject staring directly in- 
to the camera under bright lights the 
results are far from ideal. According to. 
one study, the system can be tripped up 
by-*changes in lighting, in the quality 
of the camera used, in the angle from 
which a face was photographed, in fa- 
cial expression, in the composition of 
the background of the photo, and by 
the donning of sunglasses or even reg- 
ular glasses." Monty Python's John 
Cleese was able to outwit a Visionics 
face recognition system in use in Eng- 
land by wearing earrings and a beard. 
We can't help wondering if, in addition 
to the disguise, Cleese performed a sil- 
ly walk. 

England has more than 1 million se- 
curity cameras in place. The New York 
Times reported on some success stories: 


One system in Hull recorded the 
license plate numbers of johns 
who frequented prostitutes con- 
ducting business in the doorways 
of a housing project. After police 
paid the customers a visit, busi- 
ness plummeted. 

It should come as no surprise 
that the surveillance systems grav- 
itate toward sex. The Times de- 
scribed what happens "when you 
puta group of bored, unsupervised 
men in front of live video screens 
and allow them to zoom in on what- 
ever happens to catch their eyes. 


They tend to spend a fair amount of | — 


time leering at women." Taped to 
the wall in one control room the 
reporter found close-up shots, 
captured from videocams, of 
women with large breasts. 
Watchers also had zoomed in on 
lovers making out in cars or doorways. 

The courts have not afforded the 
right to privacy in public spaces. If you 
can be seen by a police officer on the 
beat, there is no difference between his 
eye and that of the camera's. It's the 
permanent record of the mo- 
ment that is troubling. 

In a report prepared for the 
mapping project, the NYCLU 
singles out cameras placed in 
neighborhoods noted for their gay 
populations. Michael Rosano of the 
New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti- 
Violence Project feels that the installa- 
tion of cameras along places like 
the Greenwich Village piers, а у. 
cruising strip-for gay men, will 
stop many couples from even 
embracing, fearing "the tapes 
will get into the wrong hands." =~ 

"The report continues: "When cam- 
eras are mounted at street corners, the 
vast majority of the time they 
monitor people engaged in in- 
nocent and lawful activities. 
However, these innocent activi- 
ties may be personally damaging. 
Public spaces often serve as meeting. 
grounds for lawyers and clients, re- 
porters and sources and businesspeo- 
ple and politicians who want to talk pri- 
vately. Cameras also capriciously watch 
off-guard moments: a cigarette break 
or a goodbye kiss, which at one point 
or another most everyone has not 
wanted captured on video." 

Consider your own life. Remember 
the time you did it in the stairwell of 
her dorm or in the parking garage at 
the airport or in the alley behind that 
restaurant? The thrill used to be that 
you might get caught. The experience 
is far different when that becomes a 
certainty. 


The NYCLU 

is planning to 
expand its 
mapping proj- 
ect to all five 
boroughs. Get 
more informa- 
fion online 

at media 
eater.com. 


Т 


51 


R E 


MORE SEX AND WAR STORIES 

1 enjoyed reading about the 
sexual experiences of Vietnam 
vets during the war ("Sex and 
War," The Playboy Forum, Febru- 
ary. In 1968 we were young 
and Vietnam was the Wild 
West. We lived like there was 
no tomorrow in a place where 
the values we were raised with 
meant nothing. Many of us 
were naive and believed the 
horror stories about VD. We 
thought there wasn't a cure and 
pictured ourselves doomed on 
an unnamed island, unable to 
return Stateside. There was al- 
so the widely believed rumor 
about a Vietcong beauty who 
had a razor blade in her vagina. 
Perhaps I did not stay in Viet- 
nam long enough to reach the 
point that I needed a “boom- 
boom girl"—my tour was cut 
short by a grenade. The situ- 
ation was different in the rear. 
In the boonies, only the least 


"At this point, 
mistake was made. 


FOR THE RECORD 


here is the possibility that a 


E R 


off the bus, other men were get- 
ting on. They handed us bro- 
chures for clubs where women 
were available for $100 per 
hour. This seemed kind of 
steep, but we had been on lock- 
down with nowhere to spend 
all our hard-earned, tax-free 
money. My buddy and 1 head- 
ed for a club. The rest of our 
friends had been there all day, 
fucking and getting blow jobs 

The girls at the club were slea- 
zy but plenty beautiful. There 
was a babe for each dude in 
the room. 

After I returned from the 
bar, one chick with great tattoos 
was doing her number onstage 
with another woman. They 
were eating cach other out like 
nothing any of us had ever 
seen. The first babe pulled me 
onstage and grabbed my cock. 
She began taking off my clothes 
and jerking me off. The next 
thing I knew she was giving me 


— Travis County, Texas Sheriff Margo Frasier, after 
an unidentified SWAT officer burst into a mobile home 
and killed 19-year-old Antonio Martinez, who was 


desirable women wandered our 
way, some pregnant, some old. 
What I lusted for was the beau- 


head, and proceeded to fuck 
my brains out right there. Ev- 


52 


tiful blonde who was waiting 
for me at home. 
JES. 
Fourth Battalion, 
Ninth Infantry 


1 recently read that Vietnamese pros- 
titutes are offering late-night sex in the 
infamous “Hanoi Hilton” where U.S. 
pilots were once tortured, now a muse- 
um. Apparently, the nexus between 
Vietnam and sex hasn't disappeared. 

James Mark 
San Jose, California 


1 was a single first lieutenant when I 
served as a platoon leader in Korea in 
the mid-Sixties. A couple of weeks in, 
a buddy asked if I wanted to go to a 
house. I said, "I'm not sure I'm attract- 
ed to the locals.” He replied, “Give ita 
month or two." 

Sure enough, a few months later, I 
found a steady in Seoul, Ms. Kim. She 
was a lovely and gracious woman who 
worked for a house but had her own 
digs a block away. She wore a billowing 
traditional dress. We would bathe with 
buckets of warm water. No kissing— 
that was reserved for serious, long- 
term loved ones. J still have a photo of 
her, and she still looks beautiful. 


sleeping on a couch. The SWAT team was searching 
for a stockpile of weapons. Instead, they found one bul- 
let and $55,000 worth of cocaine and methampheta- 
mine, none of which belonged to Martinez. 


"The occasional weekends that I spent 
with her were a wonderful stress reliev- 
er. I would practice judo, bathe to soak 
out the bruises, have a few beers, then 
taxi over to Ms. Kim's. Paradise, just 20 
miles from the front. 

Officers were ordered not to consort 
with local women and reminded of 
this every month by the battalion com- 
mander. Accordingly, there was no VD 
among officers. On Monday mornings 
two lines formed to the medical station, 
one for enlisted men to receive pen- 
icillin for the clap, and the other for 
officers to receive penicillin for "strep 
throat." 

An appropriate sign hung at the Kim- 
po Airbase as we left: HERE WE LEAVE OUR 
LOVED ONES AND RETURN TO OUR FAMILIES. 
MZ. 

Seventh Infantry 


I served during the Bosnian war. 
The Army shuttled us to Budapest for 
a four-day R&R. We arrived after some 
five months of deprivation. As we got 


erybody started taking pictures 
and soon there was an orgy. I 
don't remember too much until 
the next day, when I had more 
hookers. We all took HIV tests 
when we hit home, and all of us 
were free and clear. 

JM 

First Armored 


PROBLEMATIC PRISONS 

In “Pork Barrel Prisons” (The Playboy 
Forum, February) James Bovard claims 
the California Correctional Peace Offi- 
cers Association “spearheaded a cam- 
paign for the three-strikes law that has 
resulted in life sentences for many rela- 
tively small-fry offenders.” That's ludi- 
crous. It’s true we supported this pub- 
lic safety initiative, which has helped 
reduce crime in California by twice the 
national average. But the notion that 
“small-fry offenders” are filling our 
prisons as a result is absurd. 

A recent investigation by the San Jo- 
se Mercury News found that the three- 
strikes law "hasn't overwhelmed Cali- 
fornia's prisons with vast numbers of 
petty criminals doing life sentences, as 
critics predicted. Instead, California's 
seven-year-old three-strikes law ap- 
pears to have accomplished the goal its 
supporters touted: It has targeted the 


ЕЕ 5 


P O 


state's worst repeat offenders and tak- 
en them off the streets.” 

Equally absurd is Bovard's claim that 
correctional officers have “almost 
unlimited power over prisoncrs” and 
they are “almost never” prosecuted for 
“killing or beating inmates" Where 
does this come from? 

On average, nine correctional offi- 
cers are assaulted by inmates every day 
in California prisons—up 70 percent 
since 1998. Meanwhile, the number of 
felons who have died in prison distur- 
bances has fallen from 27 in 1989, 
when the state's inmate population was 
88,000, to seven in 1999, when the pop- 
ulation was 160,000. 

In addition to physical assaults, cor- 
rectional officers are routinely ha- 
rassed by inmates throwing urine and 
feces, and are exposed to deadly dis- 
eases like AIDS, hepatitis and tubercu- 
losis. I'd happily escort Bovard on a 
tour of a max joint so he can see the 
dangers we face. 

"The 28,000 men and women repre- 
sented by this association walk the 
toughest beat in the state. Our officers 
conduct themselves professionally un- 
der the watchful eyes of local, state and 
federal authorities. Our job is to pro- 
tect these dedicated men and women. 
It's a job we take very seriously. 

Don Novey, President 

California Correctional Peace 
Officers Association 

West Sacramento, California 

Bovard replies: The article in the San 
Jose Mercury Neus did draw the conclusion. 
that the three-strikes law had targeted the 
state's worst offenders and taken them off the 
street. However, the same article points out 
that “among the 26 states with Ihree-strikes 
laus, California stands alone in not requir- 
ing that the third strike be violent." Nearly 
half of California's 7206 third-strikers are 
doing 25 to life for nonviolent third strikes, 
including drug possession, petty theft (in 
one case, a guy stole two bottles of cognac), 
vehicle theft (including two bicycles and 
a truck), forgery, DUI and sodomy. But 
Novey is correct: Third-strikers make up on- 
ly four percent of California's prison popu- 
lation. Drug laws that incarcerate people for 
simple possession account for a far greater 
percentage of the prison population. 

As for the statistics on the number of 
guards who beat or kill inmates without fac- 
ing prosecution, let Novey consult his own 
records. How many of the guards who killed 
seven prisoners in 1999 or 27 in 1989 were 
held accountable? None. 


James Bovard's artide is nothing but 
the truth. I am incarcerated in one of 
the two new supermax prisons in Vir- 
ginia. Most of the inmates are small- 
time offenders. The prisons have brought 
gobs of money to this little community. 
Virginia even makes money from oth- 
er states, including New Mexico, Con- 
necticut and Wyoming, for housing 
some of their inmates. Prisons in Amer- 
ica are nothing but businesses. 

Erick Guzman 
Big Stone Gap, Virginia 


Bovard's article persuaded me to 
finally sit down and ask: When are you 
going to change the title of your mag- 
azine from PLAYBOY, Entertainment 
for Men to PLAYBOY, Entertainment for 
Liberal Men? 

Bryant Higgs 
Bozeman, Montana 

Actually, we think of ourselves as libertar- 
ian, not liberal, We have considered chang- 
ing the magazine's title to PLAYBOY, Enter- 
tainment for Men Who Are Great in Bed, 
but it won't fit. 


I've been a correctional officer for 
the California Department of Correc- 
tions for about six years. While I agree 
that our lawmakers have gone over- 
board in sentencing nonviolent drug 
offenders to long terms, Bovard is way 
off base when he blames my depart- 
ment and my union. He seems to im- 
ply that our top salary of $52,000 per 
year makes us aristocrats. Is he living 
in the USS. in the 21st century? As for 
the “ample overtime” that Bovard 
refers to, 1 did about $12,000 worth 
last year, nearly all of which was in- 
voluntary because my institution is so 
understaffed. 

Furthermore, where does Bovard 
get his information about guards 
killing and beating inmates? The 
CDC currently has the strictest use- 
of-force policy in its 100-year his- 
tory. Most of us hope and pray a 
situation never arises that requires 
us to use force. We know such ac- 
tions will be under scrutiny. Most 
local district attorneys are aware 
of this and therefore prefer to 
spend their time and resources 
prosecuting criminals. 

I wonder how Bovard would 
like it if he had to submit to a 
search every time he entered 
his workplace. The majority of 


N $ 


us are honest, hardworking Americans 
who are just trying to support our fam- 
ilies like anyone else. Anybody who 
thinks correctional officers are bring- 
ing drugs and/or weapons into our pris- 
on system should never watch another 
prison movie. Inmates simply can't af- 
ford what I would have to charge them 
to throw away my life and career. Bot- 
tom line: The California Department 
of Corrections is hiring, Mr. Bovard. 
Why not apply? 

(Name withheld by request) 

Susanville, California 


We would like to hear your point of vieu. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province. 


FORUM F.Y. 


53 


54 


WEN LU 


"m watching Porsche's Ordeal. A 
dominatrix, clad in purple latex, 
is attaching clips to Porsche's la- 
bia. She then methodically adds 
tiny weights to each clip, stack- 
ing them like iron plates on a Cybex 
machine, except these weights are the 
size of half-dollars. When the stack is 
maxed out and Porsche, chained to a 
wooden, leather-covered X, is breaking 
like a wave against a pier, the dom adds 
a grace note. She waves a large magnet 
back and forth beneath the clips, tug- 
ging at them with the invisible pull. 
Labia dance like the aurora borealis. 

Actually, Porsche's torment is not all 
that private. It's captured on an adult 
video, one of about a dozen specialty 
tapes I'd picked up for review. (That's 
my story and I'm sticking to it.) Curi- 
ous, I'd embarked on a B&D/S&M film 
festival, working my way through Dun- 
geon of the Borgias, Dangerous Desires, 
Misty’s First Whipping, The Lair of the 
Bondage Bandits and others, all featur- 
ing damsels in distress and the damsels 
who distress them. 

In the Seventies it was not unheard 
of to encounter a B&D scenc in a porn 
flick. The Joy of Sex celebrated bondage. 
Even Ann Landers admitted that a lit- 
tle rope work might spice up a mar- 
riage. But then the radical feminists 
started claiming that pornography in 
all its forms was violence against wom- 
en. They toured the country with slides 
taken mostly from bondage and S&M 
magazines. The Meese Commission did 
pretty much the same thing, muttering 
darkly about porn that featured “actu- 
al or unmistakably simulated or unmis- 
takably threatened violence present- 
ed in a sexually explicit fashion." The 
Journal of Popular Film and Television, 
commenting on the evolution of the 
genre, cited an Arizona statute: Law- 
makers banned videos that showed 
“flagellation or torture by or upon a 
person clad in undergarments, a mask 
or bizarre costume, or the condition of 
being fettered, bound or otherwise 
physically restrained on the part ofone 
so clothed, for the purpose or in the 
context of sexual gratification or abuse.” 

By the letter of the law, that could 
ban WWF Smackdown, the Indiana Jones 


a crash course in kink 


epics, some Madonna videos and the 
CSI episode that featured death by as- 
phyxiation torture in a house of bond- 
age. Prosecutors were not that literal, 
but when the feds raided adult shops 
they usually seized titles that were most 
likely to shock John Q. Juror. In re- 
sponse, porn producers developed a 
system of self-regulation: Mainstream 
porn would show fucking and sucking 
but no bondage. Specialty tapes would 
show bondage and S&M but no inter- 
course or oral sex. 

The result offers 
splendid proof 
of Freud's theory. 
of repression. If 
you block normal, 
healthy lust, sexu- 
al urges go under- 
ground, where they 
get twisted into 
weirdness and ob- 
session. Yet, for the. 
most part, this bi- 
zarre legal strategy 
has worked. Be- 
cause specialty vid- 
cos do not show 
erect penises or 
penetration, they 
are rarely consid- 
ered hard-core by. 
prosecutors. With- 
out a penis, porn is 
almost quaint, with 
a hint of Bettie 
Page, the innocence of the soft-core 
pin-up (except that these pin-ups wrig- 
gle and writhe). Perhaps this is what 
the Meese Commission, Andrea Dwor- 
kin, Catharine MacKinnon and the re- 
ligious right intended all along. Por- 
nography without the penis. A series 
called Leather-Bound Dykes From Hell. It 
would explain a lot. 

Deprived of the services of eight inch- 
es of throbbing manhood, the tapes 
reveal serious inventiveness. In video 
after video, the mistress of bondage 
goes to a table to sort through an in- 
credible array of toys and tools. (1 can 
almost see the PBS series, This Old 
Dungeon.) The whips vary from riding 
crops with flyswatter-like appendages 
to colorful cat-0'-nine-tails that resem- 


ble cheerleading pom-poms—only loud- 
er. There is as much variety in nipple 
clips as there used to be in roach clips. 
One dominatrix wielded a suction de- 
vice, handheld pumps and miniature 
bell jars that are placed over the nip- 
ples or clit. One video featured the 
Wartenburg pinwheel—the little rotat- 
ing disc of spikes that doctors use to 
test nerve response. The dom ran it 
across a slave's nipple, then traced a 
line of sensation down the abdomen to 
the clit. Yes, we have nerve response. 


Right up there with Porsche's tiny 
home gym is something called a Violet 
Wand. The device is visually breathtak- 
ing, a variation of the desktop light- 
ning machines you see in the gift shop 
at Chicago's Museum of Science and 
Industry. When the glass sphere touch- 
es a nipple, or thigh, or clit, purple 
lightning bolts dance over the targeted 
erogenous zone. 

The racks, hoists, stocks and meth- 
ods of suspension that decorate these 
rec-room dungeons are as old as Leo- 
nardo's sketches. Technology has al- 
ways been welded to sex, from the 
earliest knots and pulleys to the notion 
that gravity and suspense are double 
entendres. 1 had seen illustrations of 
many of these when I researched an 


ES EHEER 


article on political torture. Now I con- 
fronted the apparent contradiction: 
What we condemn when practiced by 
the state was being offered as entertain- 
ment by consenting adults. 

I took notes as I watched, the only 
way I could convince my co-workers 
that this was research. B&D/S&M tapes 
have a different rhythm, free of the 
perpetual piston of mainstream porn. 
As a result, the viewer sees a kind of 
whole-body eroticism. The camera (and 
lash or paddle or whip) dwells on but- 


tocks, on breasts, on thighs, on inner 
thighs, on crotches. Tits and ass receive 
attention, and not just as the eventual 
targets of a come shot. There is a spirit 
of improvisation: One dom ties strings 
of yarn around each nipple and runs 
the harness through an claborate pul- 
ley system so that when the submissive 
struggles, the nipples dance. Others 
use clips connected by chrome chains, 
clothespins or little mechanical calipers 
similar to the ones that are used to 
measure muscle mass and body fat. In 
Dangerous Desires, a whippet of a dom 
attaches clothespins on a line from the 
clit to the belly button, then careful- 
ly threads a string through the clips, 
which she plays like a violin bow before 
yanking all the clips free in a single ges- 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


ture. Depending on your recoil factor, 
the videos range from the horrific to 
the hilarious, from the demonic to the 
demure. 

Every subculture has its favorite fo- 
cal points, the things it likes to accent in 
its art. These videos focus on the pow- 
er of an involuntary response, the way 
a submissive's abs flinch under the lash, 
as though cast into relief by sudden 
lightning. After four or five tapes, the 
dance becomes clear: the loving stroke 
before or after a flogging, the pinch of 
a nipple, the tug 
on a breast, the 
pure suspense of 
wondering what 
might happen 
next—something 
long missing from 
mainstream porn. 

Most of the vid- 
eos stay within 
limits—the pain is 
polite. Converts to 
S&M say that the 
role-playing is 
about trust. Some 
of the videos do 
resemble summer 
stock productions 
of kidnapped deb- 
utantes. Others 
use pain to reveal 
personality, to get 
beyond acting and 
into a darker area. 
I will not soon forget the sound of one 
victim's voice, choked husky and raw 
after 40 minutes of discipline. 

Without a come shot, it's hard to tell 
when a moment is over. The encoun- 
ters are as one-sided in their way as 
those in mainstream porn—the domi- 
natrix never comes, neyer shows any 
sexual need. But in some of the videos, 
especially the genre devoted to “sweet 
for hire,” the victim comes. In The Con- 
tract, Ashley Renee ties Fawna spread- 
cagled to a bed frame. Sharon Kane ap- 
plies a vibrator and whip to Fawna's clit 
and tells her that she has 60 seconds to 
come. When she does, her body bucks, 
arches, rattles around. Her climax is as 
unique asa fingerprint. In another vid- 
co a dom holds a mini vibrator on a 


woman's clit until rigidity fills every 
fiber of the bound victim's body, the 
jackhammer contractions captured 
beautifully. For most of Bondage Slut, a 
submissive rides a wall-mounted vibra- 
tor, with instructions not to come until 
told to. In Virgin Kink #17, the mistress 
tells a new recruit to make noise when 
she comes: "We want everyone this side 
of the Bible Belt to hear you.” 

In a dungeon, there are no right an- 
swers. Consider this question, posed to 
a female submissive: “You find yourself 
one of three survivors of nuclear war. 
The other two are Peter Lorre and 
Adolf Hitler. Whom do you choose to 
father the human race?” The submis- 
sive hazards a guess, is told she is wrong 
and has a row of flesh-pinching clips 
yanked from her body. Or maybe that 
was an episode of Weakest Link 

‘Thanks to Ed Meese and the radical 
feminists, B&D/S&M has become a 
niche for the naughty. By some esti- 
mates, specialty films represent about 
10 percent of the adult market. Ana- 
lysts say the genre has been a growth 
sector since the mid-Nineties, when 
bored baby boomers went looking for 
the next thing. The Internet, with its 
countless sites devoted to the strange 
and offering the bonus of the electron- 
ic brown paper wrapper, has fueled 
the boom. There are name brands, 
London Video and Bizarre Video of- 
fer classic rope operas set in dark dun- 
geons; Gwen Media presents fetish 
fashion shows; Redboard Video stages 
full-contact psychodramas in contem- 
porary settings. Some of the most pop- 
ular series have more sequels than Hal- 
loween (Kym Wilde's On the Edge is up to 
volume 50). 

Where the law stops, market forces 
take over. Mainstream porn has start- 
ed to borrow fetishes (leather, latex, 
high heels, feet, etc.) and some of the 
bondage producers are pushing the 
envelope, with penetration scenes 
and welts. I don't know if the phenom- 
enon provides support for the domino 
theory of porn—that consumers go 
from pin-ups and playing cards to the 
harder stuff. Or maybe it just proves 
that curiosity cannot be legislated out 
of existence. 


55 


N E W 


S F R 


O NT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


CALCUTTA— The Lovers’ Organization 
for Voluntary Exhibition has asked the city 
government to designate a "love zone" 


where couples can escape Ihe prying eyes of 


cops and passersby, many of whom frown 
upon public displays of affection. The 130 
members of LOVE threatened to stage an 
orgy in front of a government building if 
their request is not granted. 


LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY—Tivo women 
sought emergency protection orders from 
their alleged abusers, and the court grant- 
ed their requests. Within weeks of the rul- 
ings, however, both women had returned to 
the men. In response, Judge Megan Lake 
Thornton held the women in contempt of 
court and fined them $100 and $200, re- 
spectively. Thornton said, "When these or- 
ders are entered, you don't just do whatev- 
er you damn well please and ignore them." 
Advocates for battered women predicted 
that the judge's ruling would discourage 
abused women from seeking legal help. 


ROME—In an effort to remove the coun- 
try's estimated 70,000 prostitutes from the 
streets, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi 
wants to legalize brothels. He says the move 
would protect hookers, most of whom are il- 
legal aliens, from sexual slavery. Catholic 
leaders called his suggestion obscene. 


BERLIN—Prostitution will no longer be 
viewed as immoral in Germany—at least 
legally. A new statute grants the country's 
estimated 400,000 hookers such rights as 
health insurance, state pensions, unem- 
ployment benefits and sick pay. They also 
gain the right to sue clients who don't pay. 


LONDON—A company owned in part by 
Marie Osmond and Larry King has intro- 
duced a software program, Movie Mask, 
that digitally alters or eliminates the nudi- 
ty and violence in any of more than 500 
DVDs when they're played on a computer. 
In Titanic, a corset covers Kate Winslet's 
naked breasts. In Saving Private Ryan 
and Braveheart, flak bursts and shields 
hide severed limbs. A similar product 
called ClearPlay is available online as a 
subscription service. 


SAN DIEGO—Until it disappeared earli- 
er this year, a website called usQueers.com 
was calling Ronald Reagan and Senator 
Jesse Helms “heterosexual supremacists” 
who deserve a “horrible death by any 
means.” Like the notorious Nuremberg 
Files, which targets physicians who per- 
form abortions, the pro-gay site included 
home addresses and phone numbers of the 
conservatives it lambasted and asked visi- 
tors to submit other personal information. 


HANFORD, CALIFORNIA—Meet BPS Bil- 
ly, an anatomically correct doll dressed in a 
brown uniform similar to those worn by 
United Parcel Service drivers. The online 
gay and lesbian store that sold BPS Bil- 
ly promised that he had a “package for 
you" and made “rear deliveries." UPS was 
not amused. The company demanded that 
BeProud.com stop selling the “grotesque” 
doll, and that it send the uniforms to UPS 
for destruction. The store refused, but the 
doll’s manufacturer stopped making the 
outfits. Be Proud says it will continue to 
ship its other Billy dolls, including Santa 
Billy, Baseball Billy, Cop Billy and Tattoo 
Billy, by UPS. 


BANGOR, MAINE—Zwo female students 
al the University of Maine decided to jog 


in the nude. A police officer arrested them 
for indecent conduct, defined by state law 
as knowingly exposing your genitals in 
public. At their trial, the students repre- 
sented themselves. They called only one 
witness—the officer—and asked a single 
question: Had he seen their genitalia? He 
replied, “Not that I recall.” The judge ac- 
quilted the students, ruling that because a 
naked woman's genitals are mostly hidden, 
she is not necessarily indecent in public. 


LAS VEGAS—After U.S. troops entered 
Afghanistan following the September 11 
attacks, groups of professional musicians, 
athletes and movie actors videotaped greet- 
ings to be shown to soldiers in the field by 
the Pentagon's Armed Forces Radio and 
Television Service. When 30 porn stars 
made a compilation of their own with help 
from Adult Video News and the Erotic 
Network, the agency refused to accept it. 
"It's not like they're naked and having sex 
in the greetings,” said the tape's producer. 
“They are Americans saying thank-you.” 


SEATTLE—A new product called Check- 
mate allows suspicious spouses to test cloth- 
ing for semen stains. The at-home infideli- 


ty kit, which retails for $50, contains a 
chemical that turns purple if it contacts se- 
men. Its slogan is “you don't have to be lied 
to anymore,” although a quick-thinking 
husband could claim that he had simply 
been having some solitary fun. 


u 
Born in New Orleans. 1 
E 


At home pretty much anywhere.” 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: BILL O'REILLY 


a candid conversation with the pugnacious tu newsman about gays and gun control, 
his war with george clooney, skewering the red cross and that hillary clinton doormat 


Bill O'Reilly, lanky in a dark suit, his face 
covered with makeup, is elated, and not 
merely because of the most recent television 
ratings. Yes, they indicate that his show, The 
O'Reilly Factor, is rated number one among 
news programs on cable television. That 
means that he has successfully dethroned the 
King (as in Larry King), who has held the 
top spot for more than a decade. But today 
that’s just the gravy. The reason O'Reilly is 
nearly giddy with delight is that George 
Clooney has called him a liar. That's the kind 
of thing that makes O'Reilly's day. The man 
who is simultaneously the most revered and 
most loathed on television these days fires 
back, calling Clooney “a weasel.” There's an 
unmistakable glint in his eyes. It gets better. 
Jim Carrey takes aim at O'Reilly, and the 
newsman responds, "Isn't he the actor who 
made a movie called Dumb and Dumber? 
Well?” He shakes his head and smirks. “What 
do you expect from Clooney, Carrey and all 
those other idiotic Hollywood celebrities?” he 
asks. “They're just a bunch of pinheads.” 

The actors are up in arms about O'Reilly's 
attack on them and other celebrities over the 
fund-raisers for the victims of the Septem- 
ber 11 terrorist attacks. Although it's weeks 
later, O'Reilly has reported that the char- 
ities have distributed only a small fraction 
of the billion-plus dollars that were raised. 


“Ash John Ashcroft if I'm easier on Republi- 
cans. Ask DeLay. 1 don't know any straight- 
talking Republicans, do you? I can't get a 
straight answer out of any Republicans, I 
don't know what they're talking about." 


After convincing people to donate, O'Reilly 
grouls, the stars should be accountable and 
help correct the problem. Clooney, Carrey 
and others have declined to appear on the 
show to respond and instead have retaliated 
on the Late Show With David Letterman 
and the Today Show and in an open letter 
that was penned by Clooney. O'Reilly's re- 
sponse? “George is gutless,” 

This all makes for a typically fuming day 
for the man who has been called the most 
feared newsman since Mike Wallace and 
whose TV show is the most watched program 
on the Fox News Channel, the network that 
is taking on—and, in many markets, beat- 
ing—CNN. The No Spin Zone, O'Reilly's 
latest book, hit the number one spot on the 
best-seller lists and has sold almost a million 
copies—like its predecessor, The O'Reilly 
Factor. O'Reilly is everywhere—his column 
appears in some 200 newspapers, and now 
there's talk of his getting a radio show. Mel 
Gibson optioned his novel, Those Who Tres- 
pass, for a movie. 

O'Reilly's success is coming in spite of— 
or perhaps because of—the fact that he irks 
so many people, and not merely Hollywood 
celebrities. Jim Wooten of The Atlanta Jour- 
nal-Constitution wrote, “He's a made-for- 
television caricature who blows out bumper 
stickers.” He's been called a “prick, blow- 


“I prefer a guy who says, "Evildoers? Blow 
them up." It's a black-and-white situation. 1 
don't see the nuance in this. Im more com- 
Sortable with the guy who's as angry as Тат, 
Bush is, and Clinton wouldn't be." 


hard, gasbag and media führer" in GQ mag- 
The Washington Post has said that 
s "worthless." O'Reilly has even described 
himself as a “pain in the rear" and “a cocky 
bastard." 

O'Reilly has become a force to be reckoned 
with. After he railed against the charities, 
articles followed in The New York Times and 
The Wall Street Journal. The American Red 
Cross and. United Way responded by releas- 
ing hundreds of millions of dollars lo Sep- 
tember 11 victims. 

O'Reilly has maintained he isn’t partisan, 
although reporters discovered in December 
2000 he was a registered Republican. Re- 
gardless, his views cross party lines. 
like many Republicans, for example, he is 
against capital punishment, though not for 
the usual liberal reasons. His boss at Fox 
News, Roger Ailes, has said that for O'Reil- 
ly, capital punishment isn't “cruel and un- 
usual enough." O'Reilly is for some forms of 
gun control aud says the feds should step in 
when it comes to protecting the environment. 
He also believes that homosexuality is fine as 
long as gays and lesbians shut up about it. 
He hates welfare and says marijuana should. 
be decriminalized. 

Born in 1949, O'Reilly grew up on Long 
Island in Westbury, New York. Euen this 
detail has become controversial. In his first 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY OAVIO ROSE 
“The thing is, I've always liked women. As 
Katie Couric gets older, she is much more at- 
tractive in every way. She has a dignity af- 
ter surviving personal traumas. That's sexy 
in a way we were never told about.” 


59 


book, O'Reilly said he is from Levittown, 
which is a lower-middle-class neighborhood. 
Writing in The Washington Post, Paul Farhi 
revealed that O'Reilly "practically fetishizes 
his working-class bachground, " but "actual- 
ly grew up in Westbury, а middle-class sub- 
urb a few miles from Levittown.” Former Slate 
Editor Michael Kinsley accused O'Reilly of 
reverse snobbism. O'Reilly furiously defends 
himself, saying he lived in a house built by 
Levitt and his family bought only used cars 
and took buses for family vacations. 

O'Reilly was obsessed with sports, not pol- 
itics, and quarterbacked his high school 
leam. He attended Marist College and spent 
his junior year abroad in London. He 
worked as a high school teacher and then en- 
rolled in Boston University, where he got a 
master's in broadcast journalism. That led to 
jobs as a reporter in Scranton, Dallas and 
other cities before he joined the Neu York 
CBS affiliate. He worked next at ABC before 
Joining Inside Edition, which he wound up 
anchoring throughout the early Nineties, as 
well as reporting stories that ranged from 
profiles of Madonna and Michael Jackson to 
serious investigations of the selling of chil- 
dren in Thailand and a series on the Los An- 
geles riots. Next, he entered a one-year mas- 
ter's program al Harvard, where he got a 
degree in public policy. 

A year after O'Reilly married PR execu- 
tive Maureen McPhilmy in 1995 (they have 
a daughter who just turned three), he accept- 
ed an offer to come to the Fox News Channel. 
He launched The O'Reilly Factor, which 
grew slowly, but found its viewership leaping 
with such stories as the Clinton-Lewinsky 
scandal and the 2000 presidential election. 
By the time of the September 11 terrorist at- 
tacks, O'Reilly was one of the most watched 
neusmen on TV. We sent Contributing Edi- 
lor David Sheff lo the set of The O'Reilly Fac- 
tor in New York City. Here's Sheff's report: 

"On entering his office, which was piled. 
high with mountains of junk, I scanned the 
floor for his infamous Hillary Clinton door- 
mat that many journalists have commented. 
on. It was gone, and when I asked him about 
it, O'Reilly said he donated il to a celebrity 
auction. ‘I hated to part with it, but it went 
for a small fortune,’ he said. 

“O'Reilly writes his daily monolog and the 
show's teasers himself and then heads down 
an elevator to attend the daily Factor story 
meeting. A dozen staffers sil around and 
thrash over the stories they're working on. 
There's a warning sign as one enters the 
Factor's sector of the room: "Restricted Area: 
Explosive and/or politically incorrect ideas 
and/or opinions expressed beyond this point." 
It's an understatement. Some examples: One 
producer wonders if a guest is fitting for 
television because she's “an ugly lesbian." 
O'Reilly winces at the idea of having the 
woman on the show, but not at the remark. 
He asks, ‘Do you want to force people to 
watch MSNBC?" However, he's inconsistent. 
When he’s told that another guest ‘looks like 
a goat,’ O'Reilly responds, ‘Invite her on if 
60 she can speak in complete sentences.” 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: Do you chuckle about your crit- 
ics or do they anger you? 

O'REILLY: If they criticize me for what I 
say, it doesn’t bother me. If they lie about 
who I am, it does. 

PLAYBOY: CNN's Tucker Carlson has said 
only a masochist would go on your show 
or watch it. 

O'REILLY: That's just stupid. 

PLAYBOY: GQ and The Atlanta Journal-Con- 
stitution called you a blowhard. 

O'REILLY: I really don't care. What's all 
this about? 

PLAYBOY: What is it about? 

O'REILLY: They feel threatened by my suc- 
cess. They don't like my politics. 
PLAYBOY: What criticisms have bothered 
you? 

O'REILLY: When there were attacks about 
my upbringing. 

PLAYBOY: The Washington Post has pointed 
out that your father's salary of $35,000, 
which you wrote about in your book, The 
O'Reilly Factor, is equivalent to $100,000 
today. Yet you claim to be from a blue- 
collar background. 

O'REILLY: What I said was that my father 


When is the gay 
community in the U.S. 
going to figure it out 
that they're never going 
to be accepted by 
most Americans? 


made $35,000 a year at the top of his 
game. I had been out of the house at that 
point for 10 years. He got $35,000 be- 
cause his disability was wrapped up in 
his last year. I gave the figure as a ba- 
rometer to the fact that that was the high 
point of his life. My mother still lives in 
the house that I grew up in. You're wel- 
come to go out there and sce it. It has 
one bathroom and threc tiny bedrooms. 
[Fuming] Michael Kinsley was running 
around saying my father made $100,000 
a year. Kinsley came on the show and 1 
smashed him. He came on to tell my au- 
dience that ] was a charlatan, a faker. 
Well, when 1 went home to the neigh- 
borhood, people who saw the show came 
up to me and asked, *How come you 
didn't punch him?" I had to explain that 
he was in Washington and I was in New 
York and I couldn't go through the cam- 
era. They said, "We would have fucking 
killed him. You send him in here and 
we'll show him what kind of neighbor- 
hood this is." Those people fear me be- 
cause they know I've reached a pinnacle 
in this country that's very difficult to at- 
tain because I care about the folks and 
the folks know that. There's nothing 


they can do other than try to embarrass 
me personally. It didn't work. 

PLAYBOY: You obviously don't let it run 
off your back. 

O'REILLY: That's an attack on my family 
and you have to defend against that. 
That's the Aaron Burr, Alexander Ham- 
ilton stuff where you go out with der- 
ringers. I'm not going to let people de- 
fine me. If they are going to say a lie 
about me, then I'm going to come right 
out and say it's a lie. If they attack me, 
Ill attack back. 

PLAYBOY: You also seem riled by Matt 
Drudge's report that you tried to go af- 
ter Rush Limbaugh's show after he lost 
his hearing. 

O'REILLY: That's pretty low—that I'm tak- 
ing advantage of Rush Limbaugh's deaf- 
ness. How much lower can you get? The 
truth is that I've been talking to these 
radio people for three years. I called 
Drudge on it. I said, “You're being used.” 
PLAYBOY: By whom? 

O'REILLY: The people who fed that stuff to 
Drudge feel 1 may hurt them in the ra- 
dio industry. If I signed with a certain 
company, their company may be hurt. 
The truth is, I really couldn't care less 
about doing a radio show. I don't pitch 
anything, people come to me. I'm going 
to sneak in and take Limbaugh's audi- 
ence? Come on. I don't have to do a ra- 
dio show. We'll see what comes in, but 
not if it means I would be accused of tak- 
ing advantage of somebody's deafness. 
When I heard about it, it was like some- 
body had punched me in the solar plex- 
us. Look, it's easy to dislike me and you 
can find a lot of legitimate things to crit- 
icize me about. You can talk to 50 peo- 
ple and 25 will hate me and 25 will love 
me. I'm not a sneak, though. Nobody 
has ever accused me of being duplici- 
tous, I just don't play that game. 

fet you have described yourself 
n the rear and a cocky bastard. 
O'REILLY: If you're going to do what I do, 
you have to do it with swagger. People 
aren't going to listen to you if you're go- 
ing, "Well, maybe . . ." or "I think, but 
I'm not really sure." When Joe Namath 
came out onto the field, he wasn't going, 
“Well, gee, maybe if I do this we'll get a 
first down." He said, "We're going to get 
a goddamn first down." 

PLAYBOY: How would you describe the 
Factor? What stories are you looking for 
every day? 

O'REILLY: There's a delicate balance be- 
tween covering the major stories of the 
day and trying to be different. When you 
watch the Factor, you never know what 
you're going to get. 

PLAYBOY: But what exactly makes the 
show number one on cable? 

O'REILLY: Clarity. Within 30 seconds, peo- 
ple know what I'm talking about. I don’t 
care whether you agree with me. The 
elite media will never understand 
but we're not trying to make you think 
the way that we do. This is not Rush 


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Limbaugh, where we mock you or dis- 
miss you if you're not conservative. We 
just want you to consider our point of 
view. When we look for interview 
jects, the marching orders to the staff are 
to get the smartest person that they can 
get. Get me somebody who can beat me 
up, who knows more than I do. On the 
Factor, you don't know who is going to 
win the duel. 

PLAYBOY: Sure we do. You win. 

O'REILLY: 1 don't always win—l give the 
other guy his fair say. 

PLAYBOY: Do you agree that you mostly 
preach to the converted—to an audience 
of conservative Republicans? 

O'REILLY: No. І am talking to people who 
respond to common sense, not to a par- 
ty line. I'm a no-b.s. guy and I lay it on 
the line. I will not stab you in the back; 
I'll stab you in the front because 1 don't 
have time to go behind you. Even if you 
disagree with me, you know tl 
not a phony. I'm not currying 
pandering. 

PLAYBOY: Do you admit that you are easi- 
er on the Republicans? 

O'REILLY: Ask John Ashcroft. I think he is 
ineffectual and overly secretive and I say 
so. He won't even take my calls. I have 
gone after Tom DeLay. The audience 
wants to have tough questions asked of 
the people in power, which is what I do. 
PLAYBOY: Is the Factor's popularity a reac- 
tion to old-style network news? 

O'REILLY: Network news was dead before 
the Factor came on the scene. The shows 
are there because they make some mon- 
ey, but they have no influence. 

PLAYBOY: Yet the network news shows 
have far larger audiences than you have. 
O'REILLY: We do 4.5 million on any given 
night and they do 9 million. We're not 
on in every market. You have to have ca- 
ble. They've got mostly older people, but 
I've got everybody who matters. I've got 
the Hill, everybody in Hollywood. 1 did 
Inside Edition for six years and we had an 
enormous audience—12 million Ameri- 
cans every night. But it had no impact, I 
could raise moncy for children or some- 
thing, which we did on occasion, but we 
had no power on the Hill. It was because 
the cyeballs of the powerful weren't on. 
us. Now they arc. 

PLAYBOY: What impact does the Factor 
have? 

O'REILLY: We skewered the Red Cross for 
not distributing the money to the fami- 
lies that need it and they got blasted. Af 
ter that, they released millions of dollars. 
We took on Jesse Jackson and his credi- 
bility has been damaged. People try to 
dismiss us, but even those who don't 
watch the show hear about it so we have 
an enormous amount of power. News we 
report is on all political websites. Bush 
gets a transcript of the Factor every day. 
PLAYBOY: How do you know? 

O'REILLY: We know. And we know that 
they don't want to have a guy like me 
around, because if 1 have the goods, I 


will pound on them. 
PLAYBOY: Obviously you're more sympa- 
thetic to thosc you agree with. 

O'REILLY: Why would 1 be? Number one, 
it's no fun. Number two, then I could 
be accused of being a shill for a certain 
point of view. 

PLAYBOY: Which is a common criticism. 
O'REILLY: I'm а shill for no one. I’m inde- 
pendent. I'm a shill for myself. 

PLAYBOY: Do you admit you would be 
harder on Bill Clinton than on George 
W. Bush? 

O'REILLY: I’m going to be tougher on 
Clinton because there are so many more 
unanswered questions with Clinton. 
PLAYBOY: What would be your first ques- 
tion to him? 
O'REILLY: I would ask 


too. It doesn't matter what they do, be- 
cause they agree with me on certain is- 
sues 1 feel strongly about. But it should 
matter. We just reported that Hillary Clin- 
ton didn't attend one funeral for the peo- 
ple who were killed in the September 11 
attacks. Not one. I called her office 15 
times to ask for an explanation. They ba- 
sically gave us the finger. But because 
of the Factor, everybody in the country 
knows that Hillary Clinton didn't go to 
one funeral for the regular folks killed at 
the World Trade Center. If I'm running 
against her five years from now, that's 
my first political commercial. Miss Con- 
cern didn't go to one. 

PLAYBOY: ls that an announcement that 
you're running for the Senate? 


ly hasn't got the facts right, that's one 
thing, but don't call me up and say you 
don't like what he's saying." Believe me: 
I worked for CBS and ABC and 1 know 
how it works over there. It is a frighten- 
ing thing to have an uncontrollable bull 
in the media ring. It’s why Hollywood is 
going crazy. 

PLAYBOY: You started a feud with actors 
such as George Clooney by saying that 
he and his peers are responsible for the 
fact that United Way hadn't dispersed 
enough of the September 11 money. 
O'REILLY: And he and the others said, 
“Hold me accountable for a telethon, 
how dare you?" My view is, "What are 
you, special? No, you're not. If I asked 
for money from anybody and then saw 
that money wasn't 


him about the Marc 
Rich pardon, about 
which he has never 
come clean. Then I 
would segue into 
the moral relativism 
that he brought to 
almost everything 
in his eight years as 
president. 

PLAYBOY: Is Bill Clin- 
ton number one on 
your "most wanted" 
guest list? 

O'REILLY: Hillary is. 
PLAYBOY: More than 
Bill? Why? 

O'REILLY: She's much 
more dangerous 
than he is. 

PLAYBOY: How is she 
dangerous? 
O'REILLY: Her ambi- 
tion has consumed 
her. Bill Clinton is 
an opportunist and 
he doesn’t have a 
lot of core positions, 
though he genuine- 
ly cares and will try 
to help. He is inter- 
ested in other peo- 
ple. I just don't see 
that in Hillary. 
PLAYBOY: If the Clin- 
tons were Republi- 
cans, however, would they get the same 
treatment? 

O'REILLY: Ask John Ashcroft if 1 am easi- 
er on Republicans, Ask Tom DeLay. But 
Туе never seen a colder, more calculat- 
ing politician in this country than Hillary 
Clinton. 

PLAYBOY: Many Americans apparently 
do not agree with you. She has a lot of 
support. 

O'REILLY: They're entitled to their opin- 
ions, but I think most of the people who 
embrace Hillary Clinton are under the 
influence of ideology. They'll support 
her no matter what she does because 
they sce her agreeing with their core be- 
liefs. That's the Jesse Jackson syndrome, 


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going where I said it 
was going to go, I 
would have the re- 
sponsibility to do 
something about it." 
Come on. Four of 
them got it. Goldie 
Hawn, Kurt Russell, 
Clint Eastwood and 
the singer James 
Brown called. They 
said, “We're as up- 
set about this as you 
are." Four out of 
75. Clooney and his 
buddies are now 
whining, calling me 
names—“O'Reilly, 
the black Irish guy." 
It makes them look 
stupid. Does it hurt 
me? I don't care 
what they say. 
PLAYBOY: They claim 
you used the con- 
troversy to draw a 
larger audience to 
your show during 
sweeps. 

O'REILLY: Idiots. We 
don't even have 
sweeps on cable. I 
don't need their ap- 
proval. I don't want. 


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O'REILLY: Are you kidding? No way. 
PLAYBOY: Going beyond your particular 
loathing for Hillary Clinton, do you at 
least agree you reserve your worst at- 
tacks for liberals? 


O'REILLY: No. For big shots. I killed [New 
York governor] George Pataki because 
he wouldn't do anything about the char- 
ity snafu. He could have solved it in a 
day. I went after him. That's my job. No 
one knows how to put me in a box. The 
effect of the show is that nobody is safe. 1 
don't make deals and no one can get to 
me. Jesse Jackson tried to call and threat- 
en. Pataki called and said, "Get him 
off me." He called Roger Ailes, who re- 
spects me enough to say, “Look, if O'Reil- 


TETI 


to hang around 
with them. That's 
another difference between me and 
most other broadcast journalists at my 
level: I don't care to hang around with 
these people. I don't want to be friends. 
I'm nice to them, I’m respectful, but I 
don't want to go to their houses. Most of 
them live to go to Le Cirque with Mi- 
chael Douglas. I don't have any desire to 
do that. He might be an interesting guy, 
but I'm not going to kiss his butt and 
hope he'll throw me a crumb. I'd rather 
hang out with my buddies. 

PLAYBOY: Some columnists have said your 
attack on the charities simply made peo- 
ple more cynical. One said you made it 
less likely Americans will come together. 
in a future crisis. 


ТЕЛ 


63 


O'REILLY: What am I, Up With People? 
My job is to tell the truth, not to rally 
people to social causes. We've got plenty 
of other people to do that. Go on Larry 
King if you don't want to answer tough 
questions. For years, Larry King's big 
thing was that he could get all the big 
guns. He can because it's safe for them. 
When I started this show, 1 had to find a 
way to beat him. Nobody can come on 
the show with any agreements—don't 
ask this, don't ask that, I need to see the 
questions in advance. That will never 
happen. 

PLAYBOY: Do your guests ask? 

O'REILLY: They don't ask anymore, but 
they used to. We laughed. I ask what 1 
want to ask. 

PLAYBOY: Are you suggesting that Larry 
King makes those deals? 

O'REILLY: 1 don't know what he does, but 
it’s obviously a friendly venue for any- 
one famous. When I had Larry King on 
my program, I said, "Larry, you're mak- 
ing it really difficult for me because you 
let these guys say whatever they want." 
He said he doesn't research the guests 
because it's their chance to give their 
views, but the problem is this: How do 
we know if they're lying? He had no an- 
swer. His mouth hung open. In my opin- 
ion, any television interviewer—Oprah 
Winfrey, Bill O'Reilly, Larry king or. 
Peter Jennings—is responsible to make 
sure what's said on his or her program 
is true. 

PLAYBOY: But, as you said, you pay a price. 
You don't generally get the biggest name 
politicians and actors. Is it worth it? 
O'REILLY: Is it worth it if 1 have to coddle 
them? If I can't ask them tough ques- 
uons? I would never do that, so yes, it's 
worth it. The fact is, we get more and 
more of them. One thing that has 
changed since the election is that we now 
get all the Democratic candidates who 
may run for president—John Kerry, John 
Edwards, Joe Lieberman. They can't get 
on the Factor fast enough, because they 
saw what happened to Al Gore. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that Gore would 
have won the election if he had come on 
your show. 

O'REILLY: He would have. I took a lot of 
heat for that but 1 was absolutely right. 1£ 
Gore had come on this program and ac- 
quitted himself well, he'd be president 
right now. Florida is a huge Factor au- 
dience. A lot of undecideds are down 
there. If he had come face-to-face with 
his toughest interrogator and done 
well, you're telling me that 500 peo- 
ple wouldn't have changed their minds? 
Maybe I'm wrong, but 1 think there was 
a pretty good chance. 

PLAYBOY: Why didn't he? 

O'REILLY: He was scared. 

PLAYBOY: Was he afraid he couldn't hold 
his own? 

O'REILLY: There's no question about it. 
His advisors were idiots. I pounded him 
64 for not coming on. | said he didn't have 


PLAYBOY 


the cojones and he didn't. The Demo- 
crats saw it and now they can't get on the 
show fast enough. Kerry or Edwards or 
Lieberman will tell you they get their 
say on the show. They give as good as 
they get. 

PLAYBOY: When they can get a word in 
edgewise. Do you admit you often inter- 
rupt your guests? 

O'REILLY: I only interrupt if someone says 
something that's factually incorrect or 
he wanders from the question. If some- 
one starts to repeat himself, I come in. 
But I give him a window to answer. 
What I won't do is let someone spout re- 
hearsed answers. Ashcroft knows his re- 
hearsed answers aren't going to be ac- 
cepted. Even Colin Powell, and 1 know 
him well. When you go on the Factor, 
you're no longer in control. They hate 
that. However, if you have it together 
and you are honest, you should be able 
to handle any question that's thrown at 
you. You are a public servant, answer- 
able to the public. You shouldn't try to 
be manipulating the information flow 
to the public. Just answer the questions. 
A hundred years ago these guys would 
have been hanged for a lot of the crap 
they throw out. People say the show is 
hostile, but I'm not hostile until you start 
to lie. Then I'm hostile. 

PLAYBOY: You were relatively easy on Pres- 
ident Bush. 

O'REILLY: I was not. I got him on the 
death penalty. I don't think he felt I was 
being soft when I asked him how Jesus, 
his favorite advisor, would have felt 
about all the executions in Texas. 
PLAYBOY: What's your general view on 
Bush's presidency so far? 

O'REILLY: I'm giving him the benefit of 
the doubt so far. He's doing OK. I'm 
not pounding him because I don't think 
we have seen enough. Let's see how it. 
plays out. 

PLAYBOY: Do you anticipate he will come 
back on your show? 

O'REILLY: I think so. It's not like he's say- 
ing, "I have to get on the Factor," but 
he will come on when he wants to talk to 
my audience. Bush and I have a pretty 
good relationship, but it's not because 
we agree on many issues. 

PLAYBOY: If he were to come on now, 
what would you ask him? 

O'REILLY: It depends what happens with 
the war and the economy. Economic the- 
ory is pretty dull, but I have lots of ques- 
tions about the war. He's conducted the 
war brilliantly, but the jury is still out on 
the economy. It's not his fault a recession 
hit, though. It's terrible when people 
like Barbara Boxer call it "the Bush re- 
cession." It's a lie. However, it's Bush's 
responsibility to get us out of the reces- 
sion, and he's not going to be able to 
shirk that. 

PLAYBOY: What would you ask Ashcroft? 
O'REILLY: All 1 want to know from him is 
one thing: Where is the Marc Rich inves- 
tigation? Don't Americans have a right 


to know? We asked him 15 times but 
he wouldn't come on, so he sends his 
spokesperson, Mindy Tucker. I killed 
her. I said, “Look, this isn't hard, Ms. 
"Tucker. Where is the investigation?" She 
said, "I'm not allowed to comment," to 
which I pulled out the Justice Depart- 
ment guidelines and read them on the 
air. 1 said, "Yes, you can comment. You 
can tell us in general terms where that 
investigation is." Destroyed her. They 
hate me and 1 don't care. John Ash- 
croft has an absolute responsibility to 
keep Americans posted about important 
investigations. Ashcroft will never show 
up on Larry King and be asked about 
the Marc Rich pardon. Never in a mil- 
lion years. 

PLAYBOY: What were the stories that 
helped the Factor build its audience over 
the past five years? 

O'REILLY: Jesse Jackson, the election and 
our war coverage. 

PLAYBOY: Was it particularly challenging 
to cover the war? 

O'REILLY: Sure. It was the biggest story to 
come along yet. The impeachment was 
big, too. We look at these things from a 
blue-collar, workingman's point of view. 
Here's what happened. Why? Is it right; 
is it wrong? People like that rather than 
these pinheads coming on from Har- 
vard. Your head explodes. 

PLAYBOY: You once said that Clinton or 
Gore would probably have handled the 
terrorist attack just like Bush has. 
O'REILLY: Yes, but they'd be more an- 
guished about their decisions. Especially 
Clinton. Clinton would have been up at 
four in the morning, going, “Oh God!" 
Bush is snoozing at four in the morning. 
Clinton would be wringing his hands. 
PLAYBOY: Is that bad? Don't you want a 
thoughtful president who doesn't make 
decisions lightly? 

O'REILLY: I prefer a guy who says, “Evil- 
doers? Blow them up!” It's a black-and- 
white situation to me. I don't see the nu- 
ance in this. I'm more comfortable wi 
the guy who is as angry as 1 am about it. 
Bush is, and Clinton wouldn't be. 
PLAYBOY: Bcyond the current and recent 
presidents, what politicians give straight 
answers to your questions? 

O'REILLY: John Kerry. Barney Frank has 
been very good on the show because he 
hates me so much. It's just like venom 
and makes for great television. I don't 
have anything against him, although I 
do think that some of his positions are 
wacky. His defense of Clinton was ridicu- 
lous, but 1 enjoy the intensity with which 
he tries to destroy me. If he could drive 
a stake through my heart, believe me, 
he would. 

PLAYBOY: The only straight-talking politi- 
cians you mentioned are Democrats. 
O'REILLY: I don't know any straight-talk- 
ing Republicans, do you? I can't get a 
straight answer out of any Republicans. I 
don't know what they're talking about. 
PLAYBOY: Are there any up-and-coming 


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66 


politicians who interest you? 
O'REILLY: Nobody. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk newsmen. Who is your 
preferred network anchor? 

O'REILLY: All of them are tremendously 
skilled, but Peter Jennings saved my butt 
at ABC when 1 swaggered in there. He 
gave me a chance to do a lot of good re- 
porting. We're friends and I've watched 
him closely, learned a lot from him about 
how to communicate with the camera. 
They're all good, but they're timid. 
PLAYBOY: Timid about what? 

O'REILLY: They don't go after the power- 
ful. They won't. They're afraid of of- 
fending someone. They're afraid of what 
Bill Maher got. 

PLAYBOY: Maher nearly lost his job when 
he said that Americans fighting wars with 
cruise missiles are cowardly, while the 
suicidal Scptember 11 terrorists are not. 
O'REILLY: І stuck up for Maher. I vehe- 
mently disagree with him, but he has a 
right to his opinion. On my show, I lit in- 
to him about his opinion that the guys 
who killed all these people in the World 
"Irade Center and the Pentagon were 
courageous, however. I disagree with 
that. I think they're cowards—they want 
the 70 virgins or whatever idiotic thing. 
they believe. They're the most cowardly 
people in the world, but is worth debat- 
ing and the networks are too timid to 
discuss it. It leaves the field to me. Why 
should The O'Reilly Factor be on the van- 
guard of the Jesse Jackson investigation? 
Why should we be the one that turned 
the Red Cross around so that it frced up 
$250 million? The networks should be 
breaking many, many stories, but they 
break few. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about the competi- 
tion. What's your opinion of CNN's Aar- 
on Brown and Wolf Blitzer? 

O'REILLY: They're OK, but are they ready 
for the Wild West of cable? 

PLAYBOY: Meaning? 
O'REILLY: This is a totally new venue and 
on it Americans want to be engaged by 
their newscasters. They want to be chal- 
lenged. They want provocative presen- 
tations. They want opinions that are 
based on facts, and they want to be stim- 
ulated. If they're not, they're gone. Are 
those guys ready for that when their back- 
grounds are tradition, tradition, tradi- 
tion? We'll see 
PLAYBOY: Let's discuss some of the other 
people you have taken on. You suggest- 
ed that Alan Greenspan is “powerful, 
cold and evil.” Why? 

O'REILLY: Maybe he's not evil, but he is 
unbelievably arrogant. He doesn't have 
to answer anybody's questions. Once in a 
while he'll stroll up to the Hill and give 
some explanation that'll bore everybody 
to tears, but that's it. I don't like that 
kind of power. Basically, he gives the 
people the finger. “I'm going to do what 
I want to do and if it doesn't work out, 
that's too bad. You lose your job, I don't 
really care." Way too much power and 


way too much arrogance. 

PLAYBOY: You've described Martha Stew- 
art as a "first-rate con artist." What do 
you have against herz 

O'REILLY: I don't deal with the soufflés too 
much in my life and maybe I was unfair 
to Martha Stewart. Essentially, 1 see cold 
eyes. I don't see Julia Child. That is, I'm 
not seeing a lot of nurturing going on 
there. I'm seeing a lot of cash registers. 
PLAYBOY: What about Oprah Winfrey? 
O'REILLY: Both of us worked for King 
World, so I know her. 1 don't think she 
likes me much. It might be because of 
Jesse Jackson, though I don't know. I 
don't have a lot to do with Oprah. We 
tried to get on her program when my 
books came out, but we got laughed at. 
We weren't worthy. 

PLAYBOY: Before George Clooney, you 
had famous run-ins with Tom Selleck 
and Susan Sarandon. What do you have. 
against them? 

O'REILLY: 1 respect Sarandon. She's gen- 
uinely a good woman, but misguided. 
She wants to always feel good about what 
she's doing. It's the classic liberal ap- 
proach. If you don't agree with her, she 
docsn't respond well. She takes disagrec- 
ment personally, which is not the way to 
advance yourself intellectually. Selleck is 
an arrogant jerk. When we had him on 
the show to discuss the paparazzi who 
were hassling him, he was a complete 
jerk. He was furious that we were going 
to have paparazzi on after him to pre- 
sent the other side of the story. He was 
arrogant and threatening. 

PLAYBOY: Puff Daddy? 

O'REILLY: He makes me laugh. He came 
in with 11 guys wearing short pants and 
checking the lighting. I got a kick out of 
him. He was so oblivious. When it finally 
dawned on him that this wasn't Enter- 
tainment Tonight, he was stunned. I hear 
he screamed at his people for putting 
him on my show [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: In your book, you mentioned 
the sexiest women anchors. Who is on 
your current list? 

O'REILLY: Connie Chung is a very pretty 
woman with a lot of dignity. She is very 
attractive, Diane Sawyer is. Barbara Wal 
ters carries herself well. You have to un- 
derstand, they're not going to put wom- 
en on the air unless they're pleasing. 
Most of these ladies understand the pow- 
er that they have in a male-dominated 
industry. 

PLAYBOY: How about Paula Zahn and 
Christiane Amanpour? 

O'REILLY: Nah. They don't have the life 
experience that adds that extra aura of 
sexuality to somebody. Katie Couric is 
interesting. 1 understand her appeal. As 
she gets older, she is much more attrac- 
tive in every way. She has a dignity after 
surviving personal traumas. That's what 
1 look for. That's sexy in a way we were 
never told about. If you look at the to- 
tality of a person, their true sexuality 
emerges if they have it. There are a lot of 


people who just don't have any sexuality. 
A lot of these bimbos parading around 
are in that category. You can do as much 
plastic surgery as you want, baby, but if 
you're a vapid idiot who just thinks 
about yourself 24 hours a day, I don't 
want to even see you. Pamela Anderson 
does not do it for me. Anna Nicole Smith 
is almost a caricature. I go for women 
who have a twinkle in their eye. They 
enjoy being women, they like men. They 
like to flirt a little bit but it's not, Look, I 
just had these done in Tijuana. I'd be 
afraid to chip a tooth in that situation. 
The thing is, I've always liked women. 
Women are much nicer than men. From 
the moment I saw Ann-Margret in Bye 
Bye Birdie—I was about nine or 10—I 
knew I was heterosexual. Viva Las Vegas 
took it to a whole different level. I ap- 
preciate a woman who is sexy but subtle. 
PLAYBOY: You have taken on gay act 
You've famously said, “Dykes on bikes? 
Take a hike." 

O'REILLY: The point when is the gay 
community in the U.S. going to figure 
it out that they're never going to be ac- 
cepted by most Americans? That is, most 
Amcricans are never going to embrace 
their lifestyle if for no other reason than 
religion. At the same time, most Ameri- 
cans don't want to see anything bad hap- 
pen to gay people. 

PLAYBOY: There are some notable excep- 
tions, particularly on the religious right. 
O'REILLY: I'm talking most Americans, not 
idiots. But why must you discuss your 
sex life? Whether you're gay or straight, 
nothing good can come of that. 
PLAYBOY: Is it fair to summarize your 
view as, Don't ask, don't tell, not just in 
the military but also in lif. 
O'REILLY: Absolutely. Shut up. It's no- 
body's business. Straight or gay, If a 
straight woman is sleeping with 18 guys 
and thinks she can go out and tell every- 
body and not pay a price, she's nuts. 
Warren Beatty thinks he's admired be- 
cause he was jumping on everybody he 
could get his hands on, but he's crazy. 
It's not just a gay thing; it's a sex thing. I 
would never discuss my private life in 
any detail with anybody. These guys who 
sashay around like that are just as pa- 
thetic as the guy who's 55 years old with 
the gold chains sitting in the Cheetah 
Club checking out the 25-year-old babes. 
So shut up about it. Everyone has to 
make their own individual decisions 
about their sexuality. That's part of be- 
ing an adult. You should be responsible, 
you shouldn't hurt anybody and you 
shouldn't manipulate or use anybody. 
But keep quiet. It's between you and 
your partner. I'm stunned when people 
go on about their personal lives in People 
magazine. 1 know John Tesh. We were 
both reporters at Channel 2 in New 
York. In People magazine he says, "I 
didn't have sex with my wife until we 
were married." I said, "What the hell 
are you talking about?" It diminished 


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it. Why are you doing it? For a week's 
worth of publicity? It makes me queasy. 
PLAYBOY: Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson 
blamed gays along with the ACLU and 
other liberals for September 11. 
O'REILLY: Stupid. I had Falwell on and 
slapped him around for it. 1 said, “Your 
job on earth is to convince people to see 
things the way you do. You just shot that 
all to hell—and pardon the pun. People 
are not going to forget this. People will 
put you in a category where your ene- 
mies want you to be.” He's discredited. 
By giving his enemies that ammo, it hurt 
whatever mission he is on. Robertson is 
all right, but Falwell believes this stuff. 
He believes there's a vindictive God. He 
believes that the deity is teed off. What 
are you going to do? 

PLAYBOY: Were you self-conscious when 
you wrote sex scenes in your novel? 
O'REILLY: No, I'm a pretty uninhibited 
guy. It doesn't seem that way, because I 
compartmentalize. My social life doesn't 
have anything to do with my news ca- 
reer. I don't blend the two. I was single 
for a long time. I was all over the world 
covering wars and met thousands of 
women. A couple of them even consent- 
ed to go out with me, which always 
shocked the hell out of me. I didn't cur- 
ry favor with them. 1 didn't try to send 
them flowers. I wasn't that kind of guy. 
PLAYBOY: Did you always want to be a 
Journalist? Were you interested in the 
news? 

O'REILLY: 1 had no interest whatsoever, 
but everything else that was around in- 
terested me. I grew up during an amaz- 
ing time. My generation is lucky. We hit 
everything. Í was born in 1949. Just 
when I'm coming of age, there's Elvis. 
I'm singing Hound Dog when I'm six 
years old. Then came the twist and I'm 
twisting like a madman. I've got the hula 
hoop going and the Davy Crockett hat. 
There weren't any child molesters. 1 
could run around and climb trees, My 
mother wasn't micromanaging. 1 didn't 
have play dates. 1 didn't wear a bike hel- 
met. 1 could get dirty. I didn't have to go 
to the surgeon when 1 got a bloody nose. 
I played tackle football without equip- 
ment and ice hockey without a helmet. 
It was a tremendous time to be a kid. 
When I hit adolescence, who shows up 
but the Beatles? Then the British inva- 
sion. The point: It was just constant ex- 
citement and good music until high 
school, when 1 got caught up in sports. I 
played four sports. I was sweating all the 
time. Baseball to football to basketball to 
ice hockey. It wasn't until I got to college 
in 1967 and Vietnam started to hit close 
to home that I started to pay attention to 
the news. I still played football, but I be- 
came a newspaper columnist. I was the 
only jock newspaper guy in the history 
of the college. 

PLAYBOY: Is it true that you planned to 
become a pro baseball player? 

68 O'REILLY: Even to this day I would trade 


FOL OASYOBOO Y 


in all the success Гуе had in television if 
I could be a pro baseball player. 
PLAYBOY: When you got your first net- 
work news job in New York, you joked 
you would have had an easier time if 
your name had been Redwood or Reef. 
What did you mean? 

O'REILLY: That if my parents had named 
me Stone or Forrest, 1 would have had 
more breaks. There's no question that 
Stone Phillips and Forrest Sawyer, who 
are my contemporaries, got many more 
opportunities than I did. If I had been a 
Princeton guy named Redwood and my 
father had a big job, I'm sure I would 
have gotten more opportunities. 
PLAYBOY: Still, you wound up working in 
network television news. 

O'REILLY: Yes, though my first job at CBS 
didn't turn out well. ABC was much bet- 
ter. When I got on with Jennings, things 
took off. Then I got a call to do Inside 
Edition. They doubled my salary and said 
I could cover any story in the world I 
wanted to cover. How could 1 turn it 
down? Jennings yelled at me, “You're an 
idiot going over there,” but I did it. I 
cleaned it up, knocked out the topless 
babes in the doughnut shop crap. We 
did the Madonnas and Michael Jack- 
sons, sure. We had to. But we did good 
stories as well. The Berlin Wall comes 
down, there's O'Reilly. Earthquake in 
San Francisco, there 1 am. Los Angeles 
riots, I'm the first guy broadcasting live 
right in the middle of it all. I'm in Thai- 
land buying a kid—investigating the sell- 
ing of children. I'm with President Bush 
Sr. in Cartagena, Colombia at the drug 
summit. I'm in Monaco doing a piece on 
money-laundering. It was the greatest 
Job in the world for six years. 

PLAYBOY: And then Roger Ailes ofthe Fox 
News channel came calling. 

O'REILLY: Yes, and I thought I would take 
a shot. One of the main reasons I went 
with Fox is because of Ailes, who has 
a great reputation as a straight shoot- 
er. People say Ailes is bombastic, he's 
this, he's that, but you look him in the 
eye, he's going to tell you the truth and 
he's true to his word. That's why I went 
with him. 

PLAYBOY: How important was the net- 
work's conservative slant? 

O'REILLY: Not at all. As I've said, my most 
loyal viewers are all over the place and so 
are my views. 

PLAYBOY: Let's look at some. You have 
said that the federal government has to 
be tougher when it comes to the envi- 
ronment. With that position, you depart 
from most conservatives. 

O'REILLY: That's right. There should be a 
strong EPA. I would make it much stron- 
ger. I would levy fines more dramatical- 
ly on polluters. I would demand that 
Detroit make cars that get 40 miles to a 
gallon. 

PLAYBOY: Among your environmental 
views, you've taken special glee in attack- 
ing sports utility vehicles and have said 


that women who drive SUVs are especial- 
ly crazed. Why? 
O'REILLY: Power. They get behind that 
wheel—and watch out. I pull over when 
I see them, especially if they're little 
women with big hair. I'm off the road. 
The point about SUVs is that they are a 
symptom of our selfish society, but we 
need to conserve. 
PLAYBOY: Are you concerned about Presi- 
dent Bush's ties to the oil industry? Do 
you really think he will be able to stand 
up to that lobby? 
O'REILLY: I can't read his mind. 1 don't 
know what he's quid pro quo-ing. En- 
ron's out of business; he didn't help 
them, did he? All I know is that it’s an in- 
sane policy not to be encouraging con- 
servation and thereby weaning ourselves 
off OPEC oil. The government needs 
to be involved there, whereas it cannot 
solve your personal problems. 
PLAYBOY: Is that why you are opposed to 
welfare? 
O'REILLY: It's crazy. They don't even drug- 
test on welfare. For 40 years we have 
been giving drug addicts and alcoholics 
checks every month with which they run 
down and buy narcotics. It's unbeliev- 
ably stupid. 
PLAYBOY: What would you do about the 
enormous numbers of poor and home- 
less in this country? 
O'REILLY: Ninety percent of the homeless 
and all of the social problems come back 
to addiction and mental illness. Isolate 
and treat. 
PLAYBOY: Explain your view on gun 
control. 
O'REILLY: Like with abortion, you can't 
even talk about gun control without peo- 
ple running around the house with their 
arms up in the air doing the samba be- 
cause they feel so threatened. 1 agree 
that we have a constitutional right to 
bear arms. It's against the Constitution 
to ban handguns. However, there is ab- 
solutely no excuse for any human being 
on the face of the earth to use a firearm 
in the commission of a crime. We should 
have mandatory federal sentencing for 
all crimes committed with a gun. 
PLAYBOY: Does the right to bear arms in- 
clude AK-47s? 
O'REILLY: No. The state has a right to ban 
certain weaponry as unnecessary. You 
don't have a right to have a bazooka in 
your house. It's a public-safety hazard. 
You can't have it, and if you don't like 
it, tough. 
PLAYBOY: Roger Ailes said that you arc 
opposed to capital punishment because 
it's not cruel and unusual enough. Is 
that a valid statement? 
O'REILLY: It's hyperbole. I'm against capi- 
tal punishment because 1 don't believe it 
deters the crime that it's punishing. Also, 
1 don't believe society should come down 
to the level of killers. And which is worse, 
keeping someone in solitary confine- 
ment for the rest of his life or putting 
(concluded on page 160) 


1953 


BLACK VALOR 


heroes long before afghanistan, these soldiers fought 
for a country that scorned them. here is their story 


€ olin Powell's favorite story about the modern American Army goes something like this: It is the eve of 

7 Desert Storm. While interviewing soldiers, Sam Donaldson asks a young black soldier, “How do you 
think the battle will go? Are you afraid?" The soldier, according to Powell's autobiography, My American Jour- 
ney, says, "We'll do OK, we're well trained. I'm not afraid." The members of his tank platoon—men and wom- 
en of all races—shout, "Tell him again! He didn't hear you!" The soldier then says, "This is my family, and we 
take care of each other." By late last year, the U.S. helped overthrow the Taliban in Afghanistan with a mix of 
air power, Special Operations Forces and technology. And the tactical victory came courtesy of a fully inte- 
grated military—something inconceivable as recently as 50 years ago. Today the U.S. military is one of the 


ARTICLE BY 
GAIL BUCKLEY 


PAINTING BY PHIL HALE 


PLAYBOY 


72 


most progressive institutions in the 
country. In a few short decades it has 
made an about-face from its racist, seg- 
regated past. In the Gulf war, 20 per- 
cent of American troops were black 
(compared with I2 percent of the gen- 
eral population). For many underpriv- 
ileged black Americans, the military is a 
source of opportunity and education. 
Witness the rise of Colin Powell, who 
became chairman of the Joint Chiefs of 
Staff and is now secretary of state. He, 
and thousands like him, are part of a 
rich tradition worthy of celebration. 

"The history of blacks in the Ameri- 
can military is equal parts epic and 
tragedy. Today, the most identifiable 
black patriot of early American history 
is Crispus Attucks, the first man killed 
by British troops in the Boston Mas- 
sacre. But exploits of black fighting 
men in the Revolution, the Civil War, 
the Indian wars and the Spanish- 
American War were known and cele- 
brated in the 18th and 19th centuries 
by historians such as William Cooper 
Nell and George Washington Williams. 
Blacks fought at Lexington, Concord, 
Bunker Hill and Valley Forge. In fact, 
Continental Army ranks were com- 
pletely integrated —midway through 
the Revolution, black soldiers repre- 
sented about 15 percent of Washing- 
ton's Army (he called it his "mixed mul- 
titude”). By the end of the Civil War, 10 
to 12 percent of the Union Army was 
black. Thanks to the movie Glory, many 
Americans know that free black men 
from the North fought for the Union. 
Less known is the fact that ex-slave 
Union soldiers from South Carolina 
single-handedly captured Jacksonville, 
Florida, or that fugitive slaves in Kan- 
sas fought Confederate Indians. And 
during the Indian wars, black “Buffa- 
lo" soldiers made up one fifth of the In- 
dian-fighting Army. 

Unfortunately for black soldiers, the 
politics of Southern revisionism—the 
political, historical and philosophical 
expression of white supremacy—per- 
meated America during World Wars 1 
and II. By the 20th century, revision- 
ism ruled American culture, high and 
low, from Jim Crow laws to minstrel 
shows. Revisionists had history rewrit- 
ten and saw it taught in American pub- 
lic schools until the civil rights battles 
of the Sixties. It was as if black mili- 
tary feats and the men vho performed 
them had never existed. Revisionism 
was concerned with propagaung the 
myth of the "happy slave"—black sol- 
diers were out of the question. 

Black American combat soldiers in 
World War I fought with French weap- 
ons, in French uniforms, under the 
French flag. By the time the Americans 
arrived, the French already had two 


generals, four colonels, 150 captains 
and countless lieutenants who were 
black, plus Senegalese troops who fa- 
mously proved their heroism in 1914 
at the Battle of the Marne. They also 
had Eugene Jacques Bullard, a child- 
hood runaway from Georgia, who saw 
more war than any other American. In 
1914, at the age of 20, he joined the 
pecial Friends of France battalion of 
the French Foreign Legion. When the 
Legion returned to Africa in 1915, 
Bullard joined the French Army and 
won the Croix de Guerre and the Mé- 
daille Militaire at Verdun. With a leg 
wound that made him unfit for the in- 
fantry, he joined the French Air Corps 
on a bet. As the first black fighter pilot 
in history, he made an unconfirmed 
but reported kill of a German triplane 
in November 1917. He was a Paris fix- 
ture between the wars, as a boxer and 
host of Le Grand Duc, a Montmartre 
nightclub frequented by Hemingway 
and Fitzgerald. Thanks to his knowl- 
edge of French and German, Bullard 
was recruited as a spy by French intel- 
ligence in 1939. In May 1940 he was 
wounded and decorated in his second 
French war when he joined other old 
World War I vets at Orleans, the last 
French stand against the Germans. He 
escaped to America via Lisbon a month 
later. In 1959 the French made him a 
Knight of the Legion of Honor, and 
the following year at a reception, Gen- 
eral Charles De Gaulle embraced him 
in his Foreign Legion uniform. At the 
time, Bullard was working as a Rocke- 
feller Center elevator operator. 

In Pearl Harbor, Cuba Gooding Jr. 
plays a character based on Dorie Mil- 
ler, the first American hero of World 
War II. The first man mentioned in 
Navy dispatches on December 7, 1941 
at Pearl Harbor, Miller was a messman 
on the Hest Virginia. (At that point the 
only types of duty in the Navy open 
to blacks were as messmen and stew- 
ards—neither was permitted or trained 
10 use weapons.) When the West Vir- 
ginia was attacked, Miller first carried 
his wounded captain to safety, then 
manned a gun to bring down at least 
three Japanese planes. The Navy was 
embarrassed that its hero was black, so 
Miller was originally described as an 
“unidentified Negro messman.” An of- 
ficial white hero was found on Decem- 
ber 9 in Navy pilot Captain Colin Kelly 
(Colin Powell's boyhood idol). Ulti- 
mately, after much black protest, Miller 
became the first black to win the Navy 
Cross. He died in the Pacific a year 
later, when the Liscome Bay went down 
with all hands. 

In 1941 there were 5000 black enlist- 
ed men. By the end of the war, the num- 
ber was 900,000. World War II saw the 


first black fighter pilots, paratroopers, 
armored combat units, Marines, Navy 
officers and women in uniform. Black 
troops were segregated into all-black 
battalions. Approximately 75 percent 
of the personnel were shunted into ser- 
vice and supply units, particularly in 
the Navy and the Marines (the last 
branch to accept blacks). The most ac- 
tion was seen by members of the Army 
Air Corps and the Army. By V-J Day the 
bravery and perseverance of these men 
and women were a powerful argument 
against segregation and banning these 
troops from combat. 

The most glamorous fighting troops 
were members of the Army Air Corps. 
Colonel Benjamin O. Davis Jr —West 
Point's first black graduate in the 20th 
century (class of 1936) and the son of 
America's first black general, Benjamin 
O. Davis Sr—led the 332nd Fighter 
Group. These first black American pi- 
lots were known as the Tuskegee Air- 
men, after their segregated training 
field in Alabama. Captain Lee "Buddy" 
Archer became the first black ace. In 
1945 Captain Roscoe Brown Jr., anoth- 
er black fighter pilot, became the first 
American to down a new German jet. 
Flying more combat missions than any 
other unit in Europe, the 332nd saw 
action in Sicily and as fighter escorts 
in Western Europe and the Balkans. 
They were the only American escort 
group in those theaters never to lose a 
bomber. “Real patriotism has only one 
race,” said Lieutenant Glenn Rendahl, 
pilot of one of the B-24s for whom the 
Tuskegee Airmen flew cover. 

The 761st Tank Battalion, the first 
black armored tank unit, saw heavy ac- 
tion in France and Germany. Among 
the eager volunteers in the 761st was 
E.G. McConnell, a “very patriotic” 
Queens Boy Scout who went to basic 
training wearing his first long trousers. 
General George Patton himself chose 
the 761st to fight for him. McConnell 
vill never forget how Patton welcomed 
them to Normandy on November 2, 
1944 in typical blood-and-guts style: 
"Men, you're the first Negro tankers 
to ever fight in the American Army. I 
would never have asked for you if you 
weren't good. I have nothing but the 
best in my Army. I don't care what 
color you are, so long as you go up 
there and kill those Kraut sonsabitch- 
es." Afterward, Patton climbed aboard 
Private McConnell's tank to examine 
the new 76mm cannon. "Listen, boy," 
Patton said. "I want you to shoot ev- 
ery damn thing you see—little chil- 
dren, old ladies, e К 
McConnell replied McCon- 
nell won a Purple Heart in France. In 
conversations nearly 50 years later he 

(continued on page 160) 


"He's very oral." 


FLOR, BETH, 938923, VERON 


¥ eality telauision is a spactator sport wa'va baan playing since тту launched “Tha Raal 
| world-iniese.Bafors Richard got панаа on “survivor.” bafora a group of affaminate guys am- 
barrassad thamsaluas bu joining the boy band о-тошп on “making tha band” and before ua mat tha 
bitchy babas on “Lova cruisa.” тту craatad the reality show that could—and uould—£or more than а 
decade. Lately. critics haue proclaimed the imminant death of tha (tant concludad on paga ae) 


gisele, eboue end below. from “Roed Rules 19. gets eduice from veronice on hou to weer a T-shirt. 


ar un M 1 ЖЕШЕТ = = 
Beth (eboue). from “reel world Los angeles,” Flore (opposite). from "Reel world miemi. pley house. 


PLAYBOY 


82 


genre, but people are still hooked on 
The Real World and its spin-off, Road 
Rules. Ten ycars after its debut, The 
Real World draws ratings among 12- to 
34-year-olds that are almost three 
times higher than in its first season. To 
honor reality TV's best, we asked the 
most memorable alums from The Real 
World and Road Rules to take things a 
step further and get even more real— 
as in, real nude. Take another look 
at The Real World Los Angeles’ Beth Sto- 
larczyk, The Real World Miami's Flora 
Alekseyeva, Road Rules Semester at 
Sea's Veronica Portillo and Road Rules 
Quest's Jisela Delgado. You've watched 
as they ve hot-tubbed, partied and ar- 
gued with their roommates, but you've 
never seen them like this. 

Promoting itself as the “true story of 
seven strangers, picked to live in a 
house and have their lives taped to find 
out what happens when people stop 
being polite and start getting real," The 
Real World features incredibly good- 
looking—and often insane—people in 
an immaculate living space. In the first. 
season, filmed over the course of 12 
wecks in New York City, the MTV gen- 
eration became flies on the wall as Soho 
loft dwellers Eric, Julie, Kevin, Nor- 
man, Heather, Andre and Becky pur- 
sued their dreams of becoming a mod- 
el, dancer, writer, artist, rapper, rock 
star and singer. Eric was the vapid male 
model. Julie was the small-town virgin. 
Norman was the token gay. And so on. 
On the small screen, they flirted. They 
cried. They talked about sex. They 
drank. Kevin moved out as a result of. 
racial tension. Now that's compelling 
TV. Ten years, 10 cities and more than 
70 cast members later, The Real World is 
still a formidable television presence, 
the reality program that has launched 
a thousand copycats. In 1994 came 
Road Rules, basically The Real World in 
an RV plus a slew of life-threatening 
stunts and games and a big monctary 
prize. Today, prime time is crowded 
with dozens of reality shows in which 
nonactors (i.e., wannabe actors) are 
placed in manipulated circumstances. 

“The first line on my audition tape 
was, ‘Hi, my name is Beth and I want 
to be on The Real World because my life 
is fucked ир,” says Stolarczyk. “I stood 
on the balcony of my apartment and 
explained why girls my age could re- 
late to me. I felt trapped in an unhap- 
py relationship. I had issues." 

Delgado—touted as a frec spirit by 
cast mate Blair—was chosen because of 
her candor during the casting process. 
"I put no effort into the audition," she 
says. "We sat at a table and everyone 
spewed BS. They totally lied their asses 
off. I was just calling them out on their 
lies. I made it from one round to the 
next. Now I know they liked me be- 


cause I was honest and naive. 1 didn't 
know what other people knew." Such as? 
“I was clueless about editing and the 
way entertainment companies work.” 
MTV devotees will recall that when 
season 10's Road Rulers visited the New 
York Rea! Worlders, Delgado caused 
friction between the roommates when 
she hooked up with Malik and made 
out with Blair in the confessional room. 
The group then vacationed in the 
Hamptons, where Delgado confessed 
to Malik that she had Kissed nearly ev- 
eryone there. When she made fun of 
Malik and some of the other guys on 
videotape, her cast mates got fed up 
and confronted her. “They love you or 
they hate you,” Delgado says. “People 
on the street are like, 'Oh my God, 
you're Jisela. You went to that Real 


реорье 
шатенер. 


World house and wrecked their lives! 
Viewers need to remember that they're 
seeing me through the eyes of a pro- 
duction company that's putting on a 
show. It's entertainment. I did the 
things I did, but they're not necessarily 
shown in the order that I did them. To 
everyone else 1 look really fucked up." 
Still, Delgado doesn't begrudge her 
reputation as one of Road Rules’ more 
difficult personalities. "I'm not bitter," 
she says. "I signed the papers saying 
they could do anything they wanted. 
Some people adore me. They think 
I'm the coolest person on MTV since 
Madonna. Without me, MTV wouldn't 
have had a show. Pcople watched. 
They tuned in next week They wanted 
to know what else 1 was going to do." 
The Real World thrives on human 


drama, and one of the biggest scandals 
during Stolarczyk's season was when 
her roommates David and Tami got in- 
to a knock-down-drag-out brawl. In 
a practical joke gone bad, David tried 
to pull the covers off of a scantily clad 
Tami. Then Beth accused David of rape. 
Tami threatened to press charges, 
while David pleaded his case to the 
male roommates. Irene said she would 
leave if David didn't. David ultimately 
moved out. MTV viewers who didn't 
get to see the show when it originally 
aired can now see it (and the other sea- 
sons, which took place in San Franci 
co, London, Boston, Seatde, Haw: 
New Orleans, New York again and Chi- 
cago) in syndication. The next season 
is being filmed in Las Vegas. "They 
purposely pick people who won't get 
along," Stolarczyk says. "During the 
audition process, I said, `1 hate country 
music.' When I moved in, there was 
Jon, a country singer." So how real was 
the show? "A lot of things were tak- 
en out of context," Stolarczyk says. 
“They might have asked me something 
about Tami, but when they edited it, it 
seemed like I was saying it about some- 
one else. But that's TV,” she says. Like 
Jiscla, Beth was not necessarily one of 
the best-loved roommates. On the re- 
cent Real World/Road Rules Fantasy Chal- 
lenge, in which 32 cast members reunit- 
ed to compete in stunts, Stolarczyk was 
described as “Osama Beth Laden” by 
New York Real Worlder Norman. 

“My friends think it's hilarious, be- 
cause the Beth on the show is not the 
real Beth,” she says. “Flora and I are 
known as the bitches. 1 think people 
are intimidated by me because I'm con- 
баст. I didn't grow up in a trailer 
park and I don't do drugs, so I'm kind 
of the odd man out." 

So why PLAYBOY? 

"PLAYBOY was the last thing I thought. 
I'd do," Stolarczyk says. "Everyone is 
going to be shocked. People expect this 
from Flora, but not from me." 

"I've wanted to pose for PLAYBOY ev- 
er since 1 was a little girl,” Delgado says. 
"It shows women's bodies as temples." 

As for the future of reality TV, time 
will tell. On realityblurred.com, fans 
can read updates and gossip about Sur- 
vivor, Big Brother and Temptation Island. 
"Television critics have reserved head- 
stones for most. According to The Wash- 
ington Post's David Segal and Paul Farhi, 
“The reality craze shows how quickly 
"TV can eat its own." Maybe so, but we 
suspect The Real World and Road Rules 
will survive. “People like to watch a car 
wreck, and that's what reality TV is," 
Stolarczyk says. "As long as it's on, peo- 
ple will watch." 


You can also see these MTV women at 


cyber playboy.com. 


"Guess what, Stephanie. I just got rear-ended and I had a car accident!" 


FETISH 


WITH CHEESECAKE covers promising 
sounds of SHAG CARPET shagging, nov- 
elty LPs are the HOT NEW collectible. 
welcome to the ANTIQUES BONE show 


* 
article by 


JAMES CURY 


ack in the day, a stag party record 
like Humpingville U.S.A. (“small- 
town hicks getting their kicks”) was 
akin to a mink-phallus necklace— 
less than desirable and extremely hard to 
find. Which, of course, is what makes it a precious 
collectible today. Over the past five years, a grow- 
ing number of collectors have bid on obscure 
sleazecake LPs as if they were Monets and Van 
Goghs. “It’s hard to believe that these were ever 
made,” says Matthew Glass, a New Yorker who has 
several thousand nudie-novelty discs. “It’s getting 
harder to walk into a store and find these records. 
The best stuff often pops up online.” While the 
records typically cost between $20 and $100, buy- 
ers have paid more than $400 for a rare slab of sin. 
“I have one customer who's spent close to $15,000 
on cheesecake alone," says Preston Peek, owner 
of Vinyllives.com, the largest source for weird 
and erotic LPs. Other outlets include websites like 
Jackdiamond.com and eBay (search under “stag,” 
"nude" and “cheesecake”). David Drozen, who 
worked with his father at the risqué comedy label 
Laff Records in the late Sixties, is amused by the 
current craze. "Back then I don't know what any- 
body did with them. They were conceived as par- 
ty records more than comedy records." "Today, 
nobody cares why they were made. 


Opposite page, clockwise from top 
right: Instead of a record, Music for 
Hangovers (High In-Fidelity) contains 
а card that says, "I bought this album 
for you as a gift. Sorry, I couldn't af- 
ford the record." Hef wrote the liner 
notes for Laugh Along With the Kirby 
Stone Four at the Playboy Club (Coro- 
net). The cover Playmates are Susan 
Scott, Joni Mattis and Barbara Law- 
ford. The jokes on Hollywood's Most 
Intimate Smoker Stories (Fax) stink ("In 
the throes of fornication, the camel 
likes to get two humps for one"). Still, 
it costs $50. Fax delivered lusty folk 
songs on Stag Party Record Six: Spice 
After Hours. A record by Miles Davis 
leans on the wall in the background. 
This page, top left: A curious soul tore 
ihe bandage off Kenny Karol's Tales 
You'd Never Tell Mother (Laff) for a 
glimpse of this redhead's body. Today, 
the view costs $75. The cover of Un- 
dercover Safairi (Laff) was touted as 
"frameable cover art." My Pussy Be- 
longs to Daddy (Joe Davis) is a clas- 
sic. It goes for $75. Comic Rudy Ray 
Moore released many ludicrous cov- 
ers, including The Cockpit (Kent; $25) 


Above, from left to right: The Lustful 
Sexlife of a Perverted Nympho House- 
wife (Audio Stag) is a "bold, ball-bust- 
ing story" that fetches $50. Meow! 
Singer Faye Richmonde's sexy pose 
adorns A Little Spice (Joe Davis). It’s 
worth about $25. Stated on the back 
cover of Fornicating Female Freaks 
(Audio Stag): "Now you don't have 
to go to Denmark or Sweden to get 


` MY PUSSY BELONGS TÜ DADDY 
11% RIT 


this kind of album" ($50). Blues n* 
Bras (Boulevard) by the Creoles and 
the New Orleans Five is a rare English 
cheesecake release. Below, from left to 
right: Included in Humpingville U.S.A. 
(Audio Stag) was a gift certificate for a 
"genuine French Tickler." Among the 
phony oohs and aahs is the great 
line, "Oh, Bob, suck on my сій, it's ach- 
ing for your hard balls." Bedside Com- 


panion for Playboys (Omega) features 
sounds of the Playboy lifestyle—car 
races, trips to a Hindu monastery and 
a wee bit o” jazz. A Vargos girl adorns 
ihe cover. Joe Davis Records stole the 
PLAYBOY typeface for its Play Girl LP but 
made up for it with an Asian cover 
girl—a cheesecake rarity. Why is The 
Wild Humor of Rex Benson (Laff) worth 
$100 among fans? Two big reasons. 


BEDSIDE 


COMPANION = 


PLAYBOYS 


PLAYBOY'S SEVEN-STEP GUIDE 


Shopping for clothes is confusing. We feel your pain—we've 
had seats at dozens of runway shows. That means we can help 
you cut through the clutter, narrow your buying and organize 
your closet. This year, there's a short list of must-have items. 
First up is something leather or suede. Leather used to be 
reserved for the cold seasons; now there are light versions for 
summer. As for shirts: Think stripes. Vertical stripes. Colorful 


The stylish utility of leather has been ex- 
tended for year-round use—new light- 
weight leather works fine in summer. And 
the colors of leather ore the colors of the 
year—chamois, deep brown ond the shades 
in between. Other winter fabrics, such as 
lightweight cords, are now warm-weather 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAN LECCA 


winners. Below left is a leather vest by Louis М 
Vuitton, perfect when it's too hot even for 
sleeves. Middle, clockwise from bottom 
left: Leather jacket by Valentino, suede 
sports coat by Jil Sender, suede blazer by 
Hermes and leather overcoat by Burberry. 
Below at right is a suede jacket by Louis 


TO THE BEST IN NEW FASHION 


stripes. When you're ready to dress down, set yourself apart 
with details only a designer can provide. Sports and street cloth- 
ing benefit from lots of zippers, closures, cell-phone pockets 
and interesting collars. Keep in mind, too, that serious looks are 
back. That means suits. Obviously, they're great with a dress 
shirt and tie, but they also go with a polo shirt—or you can ditch 
the jacket, and your pants will make a good impression. 


lon. A wide range af styles have had 
an impact on runways, with a single unify- 
ing theme: details. À zipper here, pockets 
there and particular attention to the shape 
of the critical V distinguish these jackets. 
Leather or suede easily converts from casu- 
al to sharp—it's all about matching. 


Jeans are more important than ever. They 
are a low-cost way to be stylish—and a 
smart alternative to the recent overload 
af khakis. Just be sure to get tap-quality 
jeans—and something with lait. Above, 


left to right: The blue jean jacket is by 
Calvin Klein, the white one by Marc Jacobs. 


iam Reid. 

The short-sleeve-over-long.sleeve cambo 
is by Marc Jacobs. The jeans by Gucci, far 
right, have the laok Кап а тыйа о, 
ction of athletic streetwear—inspired 
Бо ооо теа 
ing. At left is an autfit by Tommy Hilfiger— 


off the runway it makes sense ta break up 
these pieces. The Olympics make for win- 
ning outfits by Louis Vuittan (top) and Tom- 
my Hilfiger (bottam). The arange outfit is 
by Andrew Dibben, as are the white tap 
and pants in the next shot. Jil Sander, far 
right, affers the hipper zipper. 


Earn your stripes. The vintage-look tops (top) and Chompol Serimont. Far right is ой left is by Cerruti. Next to it is a suit by 
above can take you from day into night— оп outfit by Gucci. Who soys suits need o Kenneth Cole. Runway fashion is theater— 
they look good at the office and great ata be stuffy? The key is how you dress them the belt might best under the shirt. 
club. Remember: Fashion should be an ad- up—or don't. These are soft, comfy outfits Тһе chamois-color suit is by Kenneth Cole. 
venture. At left is a pink stripe by Fendi; the and fine for summer. Put one on and you'll Again, unless you're Rod Stewart, don't 
multicolor shirt is by Chompol Serimont. find yourself thinking about rolling up the wear the tie with an open neck. At right is 
The over-under stripes are by William Reid pant legs and strolling in the surf. The suit а suit by Dries Van Noten. 


Э.О Ер SUMMER SUITS 


27 y 


Above is a selection of outfits by John 
Varvatos. This exciting American designer 
offers a range of relaxed but polished 
options for real guys (the cuts aren't nar- 
row). After all, laid-back needn't mean 
run-of-the-mill. One great touch: With a 
mix of linen and microfiber, clothes stay 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY OM PAGE 145. 


light ond breothable but don't crease. 
That's the key to summer. Note the high- 
button stance on the sweaters and jockets. 
The messenger bag at left is part of a great 
line of occessories from Varvatos. Below: 
Serious suits ore bock, but summer busi- 
ness suits don't mean khaki, chino and 


BUS 


VARVAT OS 


seersucker anymore. These have looser 
cuts and are made of lighter fabrics. One 
idea is a suit in a favorite color of the past 
few seasons: burgundy. Below are some 
standouts. At left is a suit by John Varvatos. 
Cerruti takes the middle, and we end with 
a classy number by Dolce and Gabbana. 


INES 


DIR 


MM UU ЖУ, 
Lf fy 222 
P T 


1 Ey, 


RETTET 


"Can't you do anything about this sunlight?" 


92 


THE ART OF THE TELL 


MIKE CARO—THE MAD GENIUS OF POKER—EXPLAINS HOW TO BEAT YOUR BUDDIES 


ust about everywhere 1 
look, | see victims of 
poker. They think they're 

playing a game of luck. 
1 don't just play po- 
e ker—I analyze it, calcu- 
late odds, create soft- 
ware, run a website, write books, 
make videos. | even founded a 
university of poker. I'm obsessed. 
I'm telling you this because I 
want you to believe me when I 
say that if you develop an eye 
for tells, your friends might as 
well turn their cards face up on 
the table. And who better to win 
money from than your poker 
buddies? They don't get half as 

mad as your enemies. 


THE ART OF DECEIT 


Poker isn't like life, where you 
lie to people only once in a 
while, usually for their own good. 
Experienced players will do any- 
thing to throw you off their 
scent. Most players try to de- 
ceive you by acting weak when 
they are strong and strong when 
they are weak. First, figure out 
who's acting. Second, figure out 
what they're trying to get you to 
do. Third, disappoint them. 


SHRUGS AND SIGHS 


A player who shrugs or sighs 
is almost always aware of what 
he's doing: He's trying to con- 
ceal his strong hand. He could 
turn his cards around and shout, 
"Take a look at that!" but it's 
doubtful the other players would 
call hís bet. This tell is nearly al- 
ways accurate. 


NEAT STACKS 


Despite his best efforts to ap- 
pear as a blank slate, an oppo- 
nent may display involuntary 
tells that reveal his hand. For ex- 
ample, players often stack chips 
in a way that unconsciously re- 
flects their playing style. When 
you see neat stacks, it indicates 
that your opponent has an ac- 
countant's mentality. He wants 
to make sure he gets good value 
when he risks his money. He 
may bluff, though he won't make 
daring bets. Unless you're sure 
he's bluffing, don't call this play- 
er (concluded on page 146) 


ILLUSTRATION BY WIKTOR SADOWSKI 


94 


sl T DIDNT take long for Miss 


May Christi Shake, who rolled in- 
to Los Angeles a year ago, to tell 
us what she misses most about 
her hometown, Baltimore, “Every- 
one is really close and watches out 
for one another,” she says. “In a 
big city like LA, you don't know 
whether anyone's real or not. I'm 
used to being up-front and telling 
people how it is." The 21-year-old 
is also accustomed to hell-raiser- 
friendly club hours back East. “Ev- 
erything here closes at two AM," 
she says. “I’m kind of glad it does, 
though, because then I don't stay 
out too late. I also miss the crisp 
autumn air, the falling leaves and 
the smell of chimney smoke—but 
not the snow." 

Christi is thankful that her moth- 
er encouraged her to start model- 
ing at the age of 13. "If 1 ever 
got lazy, she would say, 'Come on, 
you have to do this!” She still calls 
me every day to make sure 1 do 
everything I have to. That's what 


ATTLE, ROLL 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG 


is out to make 
some noise 


= 
5i 


People comment thot Christi resembles Britney Spears or 
Shokiro. “I don't toke offense,” she says. “One time | was 
sitting in a restourant and my hair wos different colors. 
This girl, who wos drunk out of her skull, thought ! was 


Christino Aguilera and almost fell off her chair!” 


I love about my mom—she'll 
never let me slack After 
two years of modeling school 
and fashion sho hristi 
worked for American Dream 
Girl, Merry-Go-Round and 
Hawaiian Tropic. Now she 
wants to design threads, not 
model them. "I'm coming out 
with a clothing line on my 
website, christishake.com 
she says. "My mom is helping 
me with everything, and I'm 
starting with a catalog of pret- 
ty, funky attire." Christi has a 
head for business and even 
studied it in college, but now 
she wants to try acting school. 
“I think it's time to go in a 
new direction,” she says. “I 
want to be a serious actress. I 
like looking at my modeling 
pictures and seeing work I've 
done, but to see yourself on a 
TV show or in a movie has to 
be incredible." 

Miss May says it is impor- 
tant that she feel a spiritual 
connection with the lucky guy 
she's dating. "It's all about a 
man's eyes," she says. "You 
can tell if it's something real 
within the first five minutes. 
One time I was shopping and 
1 picked up a teddy bear for 
my boyfriend because he was 
out of town. When I returned 
home, there were flowers 
from him on my doorstep. 
That told me we were think- 
ing of each other at the same 
time, so I feel like he's con- 
nected to me." What about 
other dating deal makers? "I 
like a nice smile,” she says. "If 
a guy's teeth are mangled, 
how can you kiss him? Also, 
I have always hung out vith 
people who are at least five 
years older than I am. I like 
learning from people's life ex- 
periences, and guys my age 
just don't have the right men- 
tality. I want to be in love— 
marriage, kids, all of that. I'm 
in love with being in love." 


A lot of guys just can't shake thet 
Miss Moy feeling. "I'm super 
nice—octually, I'm toa nice,” she 
tells us. “I'm just trying to chill 
out and have a good fime." 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


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mus. Db mist: 24- ums: A | 4 
HEIGHT: 5 Ls WEIGHT: IDE 5 


вївтн par. (D. 7. BO  pimrupLACE: =o A 


AMBITIONS :. 


TURNOFES: 
ETHNIC BACKGROUND: 


WHAT 1 MISS MOST ABOUT HOME: amily, friends. Cranage of em 


WHAT DRIVES ME WILD: 


PLACES І WANT TO TRAVEL: МАФҮДЦЇД gu St Marin. 


IDEAL ROMANTIC GETAWAY: (C Y 


Sorted modelin We IGN TOPIC 
RS 0 Sweet Ib. ehe 


PLAYBOY'S PARTY JOKES 


What's the downside to a threesome? 
You could disappoint two women instead of 
just one. 


An unbappy husband complained, “My wife 
loves the missionary position—her in bed and 
mc in Africa." 


Pfizer and Pepsi-Cola will jointly market a Vi- 
agra-laced beverage. It will be called Mount 
and Do, and its ad slogan will be “Pour Your- 
self a Stiff One.” 


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walk- 
ing in the park when they passed three wom- 
en cating bananas. "Good evening, ladies,” 
Holmes said. 

“Do you know those women, Holmes?” Wat- 
son asked. 

"No, Watson,” Holmes said. “1 do not know 
the nun, the prostitute or the new bride.” 

Watson was confused. "Well, if that's true, 
how then do you know anything about them?" 
he asked. 

“It's elementary, my dear Watson,” Holmes 
replied. “The nun ate her banana by holding it 
in one hand and using the other to break it 
to little pieces. The prostitute held the banana 
with both hands and swallowed it whole. And 
the new bride held the banana with one hand, 
and used her other hand to push her head to- 
ward it.” 


Bronne JOKE OF THE MONTH: A brunette and a 
blonde decided they were going to rob a ru- 
ral bank. The bruncuc planncd the robbery 
and explained it to the blonde in great detail. 
"So, you understand?" the brunette asked af- 
ter she'd finished. "It's a small safe with a sin- 
gle guard. You should be in and out of the 
bank in three minutes." 

“I get it, I get it,” the blonde said. 

They drove to the bank. The brunette wait- 
ed behind the wheel of the getaway car while 
the blonde went inside. Five minutes passed, 
then 10. The brunette was about to drive off 
when the bank doors burst open. The blonde. 
had a rope tied around the safe and was drag- 
ging it to the car. A security guard came out 
behind her firing his gun, with his pants and 
underwear around his ankles. As the women 
drove off, the brunette yelled, “1 thought you 
understood the plan." 

“I did,” the blonde replied. 

“No you didn't,” thc brunette yelled. “I said 
tic up the guard and blow the safe." 


Why WE'RE GLAD THE SEVENTIES ARE OVER: À 
man burst into his doctor's office. “Doc,” he 
said, "you gotta help me! Every time I drive by 
the park, Í start singing The Green, Green Grass 
of Home. Every time I see a kitten, I sing What's 
Neu, Pussycat? What's wrong with me?” 

The doctor said, "It sounds like a case of 
Tom Jones syndrome." 

The man said, “Гус never heard of that. Is it 
common?” 

‘The doctor sang, “It's not unusual.” 


What's the difference between a lawyer and a 
terrorist? 
‘The terrorist has sympathizers. 


A man took his young daughter to work with 
him. In the car on the way home, the little girl 
said, "I saw you in your office with your secre- 
tary. Why do you call her a doll?” 

The man quickly explained, “Well, honey, 
my secretary is a hardworking girl. She types 
like you wouldn't believe. She knows the com- 
puter inside and out. She makes my coffee just 
right. In the business world, that’s what we call 
a real doll.” 

“Oh,” the little girl said. “I thought it was be- 
cause she dosed her eyes when she lay down 
on your couch." 


How do you know you're really ugly? 
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping 
your leg. 


le 


0398 


P.avsoy cuassic: Why are hurricanes named 
after women? 

Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave 
with your house and car. 


А man and his wife were having sex. Fifteen 
minutes passed, then 30, then 45. The sweat 
was pouring off their bodies. The wife finally 
opened her eyes and asked, "What's the mat- 
ter, darling? Can't you think of anyone else 
either?” 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines making 
love as what a woman does while a man is 
fucking her. 


Send your jokes on. postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


u 
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= 
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girl 
find happiness 


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Mansion?” 


from a small town in Kansas move to LA and 
at the Playboy 


“This one dares ask the question: Can a 


107 


108 


forget contraction, bargaining agreements ond competitive imbalance. it's time to play ball 


BASEBAL 
Be 


playboy baseball preview By LEOPOLD FROEHLICH and GEORGE НОРАК 


UD SELIG, the Minnesota Twins and the Montreal Ex- 

pos are alive for another year. Last year's amazing 

baseball season was marred by a bizarre winter in 

which franchises, ownerships, schedules, revenues 
and bargaining agreements were all cast in doubt. Baseball 
will have a hard time matching the drama of last season's 
pennant races. Barry Bonds hit 73 homers and the Arizona. 
Diamondbacks rode horses named Schilling and Johnson to 
an improbable World Series title. The Seattle Mariners, with 
the help of Ichiro Suzuki, won 116 games. The Twins came 
out of nowhere to challenge in the AL Central. The Cubs 
and the Phillies showed signs of life as well. We saw fantastic 
new stadiums in Pittsburgh and Milwaukee and the retire- 
ments of Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken. Seven managers quit 
or were fired. For the first time since D Day, baseball sus- 
pended regular season play. And we'll probably soon see the 
end of several longstanding franchises. Americans used to be 
able to rely on the stability of baseball in times of trouble. 
Not anymore. But even with all the turmoil, another season 
is under way. So let's get to it. 


The American League East has three good teams (Yan- 
kees, Red Sox, Jays) that beat up on two bad teams (Balti- 
more, Tampa Bay). Now that teams typically play 19 games 


against opponents in their own divisions, some franchises 
have it easier than others. The retooled Yankees will take the 
East and the American League pennant. The AL Central is a 
three-team race, with Chicago, Cleveland and Minnesota all 
capable of prevailing. Frank Thomas will put up large num- 
bers, so we'll take the Chisox. The AL West is the league's 
strongest division, with improvements in Texas and Ana- 
heim cutting into the Athletics’ and Mariners’ wins. But Se- 
attle will win again. 

In the National League East it’s a dead heat between At- 
lanta and the Mets. Let's say Gary Sheffield makes the dif- 
ference and the Braves take the division. The Central has 
three tough teams in St. Louis, Houston and Chicago. Based 
on their strong second-half performance in 2001, we'll go 
with the Cardinals. We were wrong about the Diamondbacks 
last year, but we think time will finally catch up with them 
this season. On the strength of a good off-season, we favor 
the Giants in the NL West. St. Louis is our pick for the NL 
pennant. The Athletics will ride their pitching to a wild-card 
berth. In the National League the Astros will get the wild 
card (with the Mets, Phillies and Diamondbacks all in the 
hunt). Even as the American League's postseason domi- 
nance fades, the Yankees look stronger this year. For the 
AL's most valuable player, we'll go out on a limb with Alex 
Rodriguez. In the National, Chipper Jones comes up big. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ROBERTO PARADA 


110 


PLAYBOY'S PICKS 


American Leaque 


EAST 


Yankees 

Red Sox 
Blue Jays 
Devil Rays 

Orioles 


National 


EAST 


Braves 
Mets 
Phillies 
Marlins 
Expos 


CENTRAL 


White Sox 
Indians 
Twins 
Tigers 
Royals 


CENTRAL 


Cardinals 
Astros 
Cubs 
Reds 
Pirates 


WE ST 


Mariners 
Athletics 
Angels 
Rangers 


Lea ua 


WEST 


Giants 
Diamondbacks 
Dodgers 
Padres 
Rockies 


Brewers 


AL Wild Card: ATHLETICS 
HL Wild Card: ASTROS 


AL Champs: YANKEES 
NL Champs: CARDINALS 


WORLD CHAMPS: YANKEES 


AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST 


With the Yankees three outs away 
from their fourth consecutive crown, 
Mariano Rivera botched a throw to sec- 
ond on Damian Miller's sacrifice bunt. 
Alter 23 straight postseason saves, the 
game's best closer blew one, and an NL 
team won the Series. The Yankees 
responded to such ignominy by re- 
structuring with a vengeance—adding 
Jason Giambi, Robin Ventura, Steve 


Karsay, David Wells, John Vander Wal, 
Rondell White, Ron Coomer, Mike 
Thurman and Alberto Castillo. No won- 
der the Bronx payroll is approaching 
$150 million. But the Bombers didn't 
need that much help. As New Yorkers 
are fond of pointing out, the Yankees 
are both rich and smart. Under the 
steady influence of Joe Torre, New 
York went 30-18 in one-run games, 
second best in the major leagues. By 


going 39-16 against Baltimore, Boston 
and Tampa Bay, they took advantage of 
soft stretches in the schedule. This year 
the team should win even more games. 
Giambi, who led the AL in on-base and 
slugging percentages, has only 25 hits 
in 102 career at bats at Yankee Stadi- 
um, but he vill adjust to the right-field 
porch. Second baseman Alfonso Sori- 
ano will soon be a star. Robin Ventura 
will help at third, and eagle-eyed rook- 
ie Nick Johnson (nephew of Larry 
Bowa) will be an improvement at DH. 
Karsay and unheralded Mike Stanton 
(9-4, 2.58) give the Yanks a sturdy set- 
up duo. Roger Clemens, 39, will be 
hard-pressed to repeat his 20-3, 3.51 
season, but it doesn't matter, because 
Mike Mussina (17-11, 3.15) and Andy 
Pettitte (15-10, 3.99) will pick up the 
slack. Ho-hum, the Yankees win the 
pennant. And the World Series. 

"The Red Sox had the second-highest 
payroll in baseball in 2001 but were 
first in the majors when it came to dys- 
function. After playing the Yankees 
tough in the first half, the team lost No- 
mar Garciaparra, Pedro Martinez and 
catcher Jason Varitek to injuries. Jimy 
Williams managed like a zombie, using 
93 lineups in 118 games and not both- 
ering to hold runners on base (oppo- 
nents stole 223 bases). The whole thing 
blew up in August and September, 
when Williams was canned and Boston 
went 22-34. Manny Ramirez ended 
the year in a funk, hitting .248 after 
June 5 and feuding with management. 
Closer Ugueth Urbina got into an air- 
plane scuffle with Tim Wakefield and 
Trot Nixon. General manager Dan 
Duquette had to make changes. He 
shipped volatile outfielder Carl Everett 
to Texas for lefty Darren Oliver, signed 
free agents John Burkett to pitch and 
Johnny Damon to hit leadoff, picked 
up Tony Clark off waivers to play first 
and traded for Dustin Hermanson 
(14-13 with the Cards). The pitching 
will help, since Fenway has become the 
third-toughest park in the majors to 
homer in. Joe Kerrigan is smart enough 
to cop a wild card. But if Pedro is hurt 
and Nomar doesn’t come all the way 
back, forget it. 

The Blue Jays started out 2001 on 
an offensive binge, going 16-9 through 
April. They went 10-18 in May, and 
that was the season. A year after hitting 
244 home runs, the offense died. To- 
ronto struck out a lot (third most in the 
AL) and didn't hit much (10th in AL in 
batting average and on-base percent- 
age). General manager Gord Ash was 
given the heave-ho and was replaced 
by J.P Ricciardi. Talk radio to the con- 
trary, Ricciardi is doing more than cut- 
ting payroll. He sent Brad Fullmer 
to Anaheim to make room for Vernon 

(continued on page 147) 


бис. Grown 
“Guess what, dear. I think I've finally found a buyer for the house!” 


111 


Ski n 


Ne 


want to save face? stock your medicine cabinet with these new, exciting guy cosmetics 


By Donald Charles Richardson 


EN'S GROOMING has a fresh face. Even Victoria's Se- 

cret has introduced a cologne for men, and if that 

doesn't help you get lucky, nothing will. Is there no 
balm in Gilead? Sure there is. Tommy Hilfiger's T after- 
shave balm is especially soothing because it doesn't con- 
tain any alcohol. Men with oily skin should try the clay 
mask by Zirh to absorb impurities and excess oil, and 
Calvin Klein's oil-control hydrator to keep the skin moist. 
Nivea's exfoliating face scrub helps deep-clean your 
pores. Lab Series has introduced Trifecta, a quick-ab- 
sorbing gel for oily skin. Aramis’ Surface skin cream is an- 
other quick fix. It incorporates reflectors that diminish 
lines, wrinkles and uneven skin tones to give you a re- 
freshed look. Nickel's Amuse-Gueule moisturizing serum 
is a concentrated formula of antioxidants designed to re- 
vitalize stressed skin. It's available in handy two-milliliter 
single doses. Another product from Nickel, Lendemain 
de Féte, is designed to perk up your face after a rough 
night. It contains menthol-enriched unroasted coffee as 
part of a mixture that the company says will give your 
skin a boost. To finish your image, try a new fragrance, 
such as X-Centric by Dunhill, Dior's Higher or Very Sexy 
for Him from Victoria's Secret. The last combines sage, 
grapefruit and cedarwood with freesia. Use this essen- 
tial bit of knowledge when you meet a Victoria's Secret 
model at a party and she asks about your cologne: Tell 
her that freesia is a South African plant of the iris family, 


with fragrant flowers. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


Below, left to right: Aramis’ Surface skin cream incorporates 
tiny reflective spheres to perk up your appearance ($35). 
Shaving doesn't have to feel like surgery. Aromophormacy's 
Post-Op astringent helps heal freshly scraped skin ($16). 
Very Sexy for Him from Victoria's Secret is a spicy citrus- 
blend fragrance ($48). To get rid of dead cells, try the exfoli- 
ating foce scrub from Nivea for Men ($6). Lab Series’ Trifec- 
ta helps eliminate shine by reducing the oil on your skin, 
while it tightens pores and improves skin texture ($32.50). 
Eye Rescue, also from Lab Series for Men, smoothes the area 
under your eyes (23:50). A couple of drops of Anthony Lo- 
gistics for Men preshave oil rubbed into your whiskers sets up 
your beard for a smooth shave ($18). Higher eau de toilette 
by Dior is a mixture of fruit, spice and wood scents ($55). 
When you're on a hike or a flight, these little containers of 
'Amuse-Gueule moisturizing serum by Nickel ore handy for 
revitalizing stressed skin ($41 for 15 doses). Zirh’s clay mask 
does a great job absorbing dirt and oil ($14.50). Lendemain 
de Féte “morning-after rescue gel” by Nickel contains caf- 
feine and wheat soya protein to help erase signs of stress 
($40). Tommy Hilfiger's T aftershave balm is a refreshing 
pick-me-up ($38). Roger et Gallet l'Homme Essentiel fra- 
grance combines basil, citron, sage and vanilla (among oth- 
er ingredients) to create a scent that’s sexy ($40). Calvin 
Klein's oil-control hydrator helps eliminate the greasy look 
(about $30). Dunhill's X-Centric fragrance is packaged in a 
modern masculine-looking Боне ($55). Zirh’s aloe vera 
cream treats your skin to a smooth shave ($18.50). 


WHERE ANO HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 145 


THE SEARCH FOR 


PERFECT 
PANTIES 


WHAT SORT OF WOMAN BUYS A 
$90 PAIR OF UNDERWEAR? 


ANTIES DON'T LIE. A woman can dress 

according to fashion and disgui 

her personality, but her panties are 

a reflection of her soul. A beautiful 
soul wears beautiful pai a bitter, con- 
stricted one wears tighty whiteys. What do 
my panties say about me? Every morning 
when I don a fresh pair, my dream is that by 
nightfall they will be utterly destroyed. Beau- 
ty peaks just before its destruction. This is a 
secret, but sometimes while dressing for a 
night out, I'll snip the seams of my panties 
halfway up so that later my date will feel 
fiendish when my panties come apart in his 
lumberjack-man hands. The word panties 
comes from pantaloons, after Saint Pantale- 
on. It makes sense that my panties are named 
after a martyr—they live short lives and are 
sacrificed in a violent manner. 

Ло women, panties are pretty underwear. 
To men, panties cover the center of the uni- 
verse. A friend of mine calls panties "the last 
defense on the front lines of desire." Some- 
times I think men have more sex with our 
panties than with us. A favorite trick is for 
a man to perform oral sex while the panties 
are still on, so the woman is dying with de- 
sire. Then, when he's ready to poke her, he 
doesn't take her panties off—he can't be both- 
ered with that. Just shove 'em to the side. 

My friend Matt doesn't even do that. He 
just plows right through. That way, he says, 
he can only get his erection in an inch or 
two, butit's exciting (continued on page 144) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


116 


“Here comes the captain—time for me to withdraw.” 


Milla Jovovich 


PEAY B wS 


200 


the power waif sets us straight about fake id cards, 
french husbands and celebrity shoplifting 


A t 26, Milla Jovovich has saved the 
world more often than anyone had 
any reason to expect. Jovovich's parents were 
a Russian actress and a Yugoslavian med- 
ical student who left the Soviet Union for 
California when their daughter was five 
years old. Milla, who was called a commie at 
school, started taking acting classes at the 
age of nine. Jovovich made her film debut 
on Disney Channel's The Night Train to 
Kathmandu. In 1988, at the age of 12, she 
made history as the youngest girl ever to 
appear on an American fashion magazine 
cover. Richard Avedon photographed her as 
one of Revlon's most unforgettable women. 
Jovovich graced 15 covers that year, and 
People magazine named her one of its 50 
Most Beautiful People. 

At 14, Jovovich earned her first major 
film role, in Return to the Blue Lagoon. She 
took on supporting roles, opposite Sherilyn 
Fenn in Two Moon Junction, and in Rich- 
ard Linklater's Dazed and Confused (at 16, 
she wed her co-star Shawn Andrews, but the 
marriage was annulled months later). Roles 
in Bruce Evans’ Kuffs and in Chaplin, star- 
ring Robert Downey Jr, followed. In addi- 
tion to acting and modeling, Jovovich was 
developing her music and signed a deal with 
EMI Records, which released The Divine 
Comedy to critical acclaim. 

Jovovich hit it big in films when director 
Luc Besson cast her in The Fifth Element op- 
posite Bruce Willis. She appeared in Spike 
Lee's He Gol Game and then she and Besson 
launched their dream project, The Messen- 
ger: The Story of Joan of Arc, placing her in 
the role once played by screen icons Ingrid 
Bergman and Jean Seberg. The impressive 
cast included John Malkovich, Dustin Hoff- 
man and Faye Dunaway. Jovovich, mean- 
while, had married Besson. After several 
tempestuous years they divorced, 

Jovovich continues to model (she has a 
deal with L'Oreal) and has appeared in The 
Claim, Wim Wenders’ The Million Dollar 
Hotel and Zoolander. This year she stars as 
Alice, the zombie killer, in boyfriend Paul An- 
derson's Resident Evil. Other projects include 
No Good Deed opposite Samuel L. Jackson, 


You Stupid Man, co-starring William Bald- 
win, and Dummy with Adrien Brody. 
Robert Crane caught up with Jovovich at 
Cháteau Marmont in Hollywood. He re- 
ports: “Milla is a tamperproof source of en- 
ergy. She will be the ore still standing at the 
end—despite the ex-husbands, failed rela- 
tionships, film hits and misses. She is strong 
and embraces chaos. Jovovich brought her 
dog to the interview. Its name is Madness.” 


1 


PLAYBOY: Comparisons between you 
and Brooke Shields are inevitable— 
young models, Blue Lagoon films. Tell 
us how you're different from her. 
jovovicH: Brooke and I have complete- 
ly different images. She's always been 
very much America's sweetheart, and I 
am not I'm an alien. I'm Russian. When 
I was a teen I moved to Europe, started 
working in music, recorded an album 
and went on tour with my band. By the 
time that was all over, I was doing The 
Fifth Element. The similarities between 
us include our strong mothers. My 
mom always wanted me to be an actress 
and that was pretty much what she 
trained me for since I was little, which 
was kind of the same with Brooke. We 
were both the youngest girls to be on 
the cover of a fashion magazine. She 
was 13 or 14, and I was 12. And I hope 
when I'm in my 30s, I'll have a TV 
show like she did. I'm fine with model- 
ing my career after Brooke Shields— 
she's done great 


2 


PLAYBOY: Which Blue Lagoon film was 
better? 

JOVOVICH: Overall, hers was better, but 
I was a better actress. 


3 


PLAYBOY: What's most important: talent, 
ambition or a really good publicist? 

JovovicH: All of them. The biggest mis- 
take that a lot of actors and other artists 


make is to rely wholly on their talent. 
But talent without discipline means 
nothing. My mom attended film school 
in Russia, one of the most difficult film 
schools back in the Sixties. One of the 
things she always told me to make sure 
I stayed in line was, "Milla, the most- 
talented kids in film school in the first 
year (it was a four-year course) dropped 
out by the fourth year. And the least- 
talented ones who worked their butts 
off were at the top of the class by the 
end." So what is talent? It's a natural- 
born thing, but if it's not refined and 
disciplined and channeled in the right 
way, it turns destructive. It turns into 
ego, and it turns into "I'm a genius, I 
don't need to do anything, ! can drink 
and be rude. . . ." I know a guy who's 
an amazing writer and works at a car 
wash. You know he's never going to do 
anything because he has no drive. And 
a publicist? I have a publicist. 


4 


PLAYBOY: Is the curo making your life 
any easier? 

JovovicH: I have no clue about the eu- 
ro. All I know is that England doesn't 
want anything to do with it, and if Eng- 
land doesn't want anything to do with 
it, neither do I. The English know they 
have got the strongest currency in the 
world. I trust them about money. 


5 


PLAYEOY: Is Milla short for something? 
jovovicH: It is short for Milizta. Can 
you imagine, Milizta Jovovich? It's 
hard enough as it is. I curse my par- 
ents every day. Why didn't they change 
my name? 


6 


PLAYBOY: How important is it for a wom- 
an to have at least one French husband? 
Jovovich: French men are great. They 
know how to treat a woman. I'd recom- 
mend them. (continued on page 157) 


119 


Jou have a drink in gour hand and your toes in the sand. 
There are girls in tight Tshirts, wet Tshirts or no Tshirts at 
all If this 15 gour idea of summer, you've come to the right 
place. Crack a cold one and check out the fun in the sun. 


Kapalua, Hawaii: Seven hundred feet of coastal heaven can be 
found on western Maui (below), where there's silky sand, per- 


fect weather, calm water and coral reefs iusto offshore. 


The jewel of the South Pa 
cific, Bora Bora (right) ha 
bungalows on stilts over i 


lagoon. Feed fish through 
trapdoor or snorkel from 
your balcony at the is- 
land’s top hotels. 


Best Beaches FOP SUPFING 


Waimea Bay, Pipeline and Sunset Beaches, 
Oahu: The sport was born at these beaches, 
and they still rule the waves. Bell Beach, 
Victoria: good enough for the Australian 
championship, good enough for you. 


Sen Lounge, Perdido Key, Flori 
adhouse has 11 bars, 500 feet of 


"thirds of the he i dandis a national park, and — — 
this long, gorgeous, deserted beach has 
cabins, tents and even sand for rent. 


and great improvements, 
from skimpy string tops to 
thongs called floss, debut at 
Copa, where less is way more. 


gp Lunacy in the British Virgin Islands: Bomba's 
Shack on Tortola takes each full moon seri- 


ously. At midnight, after rum punches, Bom- 
Т ba's pours hallucinogenic mushroom tea. 


Club La Vela, Panama City 
Beach, Florida: There's a 
Wet 'n’ Wild T-shirt 

levent 


Foxy's, Jost Van Dyke, BVI: Electricity is 
Ў. scarce on this island, but painkiller 
punch flows freely at this sailors’ sanctu- 
ary. Bring your own boat or take a wa- 
ter taxi and sleep it off in a beachfront 
hammock (left). 


largest City has the world's biggest 
carnival bash, with all-night parties on 
the beaches. A million and a half revel- 


ers can't be wrong: 


Best BEACH FOR а 


Mi ены 
New Smyrna Beach, Florida: 
“Time” dubbed it the summer 
of the shark with 22 attacks 
last season, but it's nothing 
new. Volusia County, where 

Мем ¡is situated, usual- 


Karoline SAME 


Skip the white lifeguard 

| nose, but get the best pro- 
tection with good old zinc 
oxide, now in a clear mi- 
croparticle version. It's a 


more effective 


ly leads the world. 


Nai Pan: On Thai- 
’s Ko Pha Ngan island, 
backpacker babes await 
male company, ganja is 
cheap and it seldom rains. Shipwreck Beach, Zakynthos, 
P reece: Yes, that's a shipwrecl 
smack in the middle (above). 
That's also pure blue water. 


The weather's perfect, and it 


white-sand beach, which at- ea's Vineyard, 
‚ tracts South Africa's кон 


Get макер 


Pacific and a lagoon near San 
Hedonism Il, Jamaica: Half of it 
us resort (above) is a non- 
nude party. Try a girl 
ег chug, where you drink 


brew off her butt. Cap Bondi Beach: You'll find the 


— Agde; France: Join 20,000 ` best of the land down under on“ 


beach town sits between the 


2 ed French in a clothes- 
E al beach town. 


Best BEACH FOr 
Naken CeLeBrities 


Anse de Grande Saline, St. 
Barts: Stars and wannabes. 
let it all hang out (below) 
on this island in the French 
Antilles. 


this beach outside Sydney: top- 


bathing suit while trying to 
chat up naked girls. Don't be 
a Wally, naked, but staring 
like a stalker. Do wear mir- 
rored or dark sunglasses for 
observation. Do use lotion: 
The red-ass look is for ba- 
boons in the zoo. 


Sea Zoo GIK 4 727^ 
ualrax P 12) Honda makes nothing but 


155 horses, 
. plenty for tow! Strok 
Ing skiers or Токе, the 1494 
just cruis сс 4TEC pute out Honda 
[ch means a smoother. powerful ride. Before jumping in- 


size; the ТЕС has 
EC has Sea Doo' ing al 
SET 0's un; V along. But don" 
Vers easier when thet jut don't be fooled by its four-strokes, vi 
° to the personal watercraft pond, the company waited to perfect bigger 
engines, The F12X (about $10.000) is the only turbo foursireke to 


squeeze out 165 bp. It is 10 mph faster than the nonturbo F12 


irn ж-ы 
мнеге амо HOW £0 BUY ON Расе 195. 


new fourstroke models are qui- 


E: 
ster than most twos, opening up fresh 
regulated water such as Lake Tahoe. Yamaha also claims 


most fuel-efficient ever. With 140 hp, it didn't forsake 
(about 59500). 


territory and highly 
ite 998ce engine is the 
performance to accomplish this 


“I was reading about cloning today. Do you think that will ever be possible with people?” 123 


a 


Kiana did many of her own stunts opposite Jean-Cloude Von 
Damme in Universal Soldier: The Return (above). “I love being 
physical and doing action movies,” she says. "Working with 
Jean-Claude wos o lot of fun. I would love the opportunity ta be 
the female lead in something like Tomb Raider or The Matri 


Maui native Kiana placed first in two bady-building contests 
and then decided not to go pro, instead focusing her ener- 
gy an getting people in shape with her popular shows. "Aes- 
thetically, | think it’s sexier for women ta have hard bodies 
but not be overly muscular,” she says. “I prefer ta be mare 
sleek ond fit, so | went the fitness route." 


just wrapped its final season on lo- 
cation at Orlando's Walt Disney 
World. "I'm developing a new series 
for the Fox Sports Network in which 
I work out with professional athletes 
and celebrities so viewers can learn 
their exercise routines,” she says. Ki- 
ana is a dominating force in the fit- 
ness world, so will she discipline her 
guests if they do something wrong? 
“Just a light spanking—if they re 
cute,” she says, laughing. 

She tells us Kiana mcans "island 
princess" or “calm water" in Hawai- 
ian, and more than 250 couples 
have joined the Kiana Baby Club by 
naming their daughters after her. 
The Maui native gets her athletic 
skills from her mother, a physical- 
education teacher, and her acting 
ability from her father, Layne Tom 
Jr. “My dad starred in many Char- 
lie Chan movies and inspired me 
to get into acting,” she says. Kiana 
has made guest appearances on The 
Drew Carey Show and Family Law, and 
starred in films such as Cyber Ban- 
dits and Universal Soldier: The Return, 
opposite Jean-Claude Van Damme 
and wrestler Bill Goldberg. ^Bill 
scems about seven feet tall and sev- 
en feet wide," she says. "I weigh 110 
pounds, and in one scene I had to 
jump on his back, kick the gun out 
of his hand and ride him down the 
stairs like a sled.” Kiana is also com- 
mitted to working on the other side 
ofthe camera. “I have written a cou- 
ple of scripts and would love to pro- 
duce and direct a movie—then en- 
ter it in a film festival." 

Here is a woman who has sculpt- 
ed her body into a sinewy work of 
art, so we asked her to teach us how 
to get a taut stomach like hers. 
“There are three simple things to 
remember: Increase your abdomi- 
nal exercises to strengthen the mus- 
cles in the midsection, increase your 
cardiovascular activity so you shed 
excess body fat and can see your 
new abs, and consume fewer calo- 
ries than you expend,” she says. So 
she doesn't deprive the body beauti- 
ful, Kiana forgoes fad diets and uses 
the "cheat-day method." "Six days 
a week I eat extremely well—clean 
proteins that include grilled fish, 
chicken and egg whites, along with 
complex carbs, steamed veggies and 
lots of water. On the seventh day 1 
can have whatever 1 want, like pi 
za or chocolate cake." If you want 
Kiana's advice on your workout, 
it her website, kiana.com, and e-m: 
her a question. 

Kiana was recently married in 
Maui and lives in California with 
her husband, Dennis, and their two 
dogs, Flex and Crunch. "Once I met 


STYLING BY LANE W. 
NAKEUP BY ALEXIS VOGEL AND MICHELLE VAN DER HULE 
HAIR BY ALEXIS VOGEL AND BERTRAND W. FOR CLOUTIER 


we (a 
||| ەا‎ l 


football coach says ¿ 

he lettered in foot- Es 

ball and earned a 
master's degree. Liar. A 
professor boosts his reputa- “6 2 
tion with stories of fighting in / 
Vietnam. Liar. An actress 
supposedly caught shop- ,( “N. 
lifting claims she's re- 
searching a movie role. Liar. Nix- 
on would be proud. Somehow, we 
have moved from a culture of spin- 
doctoring to one of just plain ly- 
ing. Take Ronald Reagan. When he 
remembered anything, it usually 
turned out to be false—he said he'd 
served in Europe in World War II 
when he actually spent the war in 
Los Angeles. Then Bill Clinton 
insisted he didn't inhale, and Al 
Gore made silly claims about the 
Internet. Thankfully, elected of- 
ficials can be voted out and foot- 
ball coaches fired. But when the 
Charles Ponzis of the business 
world start falsifying accounts and 
stealing our 401Ks, the only thing 
left is to take a few cheap shots. 


forget the oscars. 
it's time to celebrate 
the whoppers 


на ате 


Enron boss e-moiled employees 
about the robust state of the company while 
dumping millions in stocks. 

A padded resumé go! him the . 
Notre Dame coaching gig. For five days. 

"| wasn't running away, } just 
wanted all the hurt to stop." 

Its easy to be the ace of 12- 
year-old Little Leaguers when you're 14, 

A Pulitzer Prize winner, he soid he 

was a Vietnam vel. He wasn't. 
Claimed he saw liberated 
Nati death camps. Right—on film. 
On plagiarized material in 
Wild Blue: "I just want to know where the hell 
it came from.” Answer: from someone else. 

Claimed the president hid on Sep- 
tember 11 because of a threat against Air Force 
One. Two weeks later, the White House admit- 
ted there was no record oÍ any threat. 

Asked if the Brewers—run by his 
daughter—would benefit from the Twins’ clo- 
sure, he said, “St. Louis is closer to Minneapolis 
than Milwaukee is." He was off by 200 miles. 

Wrote for TV as 19-year- 
old Riley Weston. Fraud—Kim was 32. 
“1 did not have sexual relations 


with that woman." 


fe 


mo 


A 


Ronald Reagan 
Specious Service 


Joseph Ellis 
Prize Deception 


To be honest I've never really thought about 
group sex before. 

Of course I’ve been tested. 

There's nothing | don't get from you—yow are 
my fantasy, baby. 

You're right, there's no reason to rush things— 
l just want to cuddle. 

1 swear | never knew she was your sister 

Don't worry about it, my wife and | are already 
separated. 

No, the only time | ever sow a porn movie was 
one time at a bachelor party. 

Hs just a rash. 

Seriously, you're the best ever—I’ve never felt 
this way before. 

Funny—that's the same number of people I've 
slept with. 

I'm not the type of guy who's into one-night 
slands—l prefer intimacy. 


Though earnings are down, we expect to show 
a pro forma profit in the next quarte. 

We consider our employees to be our most 
valuable asset. 

The only reason he sold shares of his company 
was to diversify his portfolio. 

We knew it would be difficult at the onset. 

He stepped aside to spend more time with his 
family. 

We want to refocus on our core competency and 
gel back to our roots. 

So far, everything is proceeding according to 
expectations. 

We're an equal-opportunity employer. 


I'm going to have only ane drink tonight. 
I'm going to make the most of this new gym 
membership. 

As soon as | finish this beer, I'm going to walk 
right up to her. 

She wasn't that fat. 

1 don’t even like ће name Lexus. 

I was never in love with her. 

IFI don't get that raise, l'm walking. 

Vm in the best shape of my life. 

Iwas about to break up with her anyway. 

I'm not lazy, | just don't value materialist stuff. 
It’s nothing serious, it's just an itch. 

If had it to do over again, Î wouldn't change 
a thing. 

ll be out of debt in a few months. 

She wants me. | know she wants me. 

I'm not drunk. 

| measure up. 


185 


"You're an actor? Would we have seen you in anything?" 


PLAYBOY 


136 


ALMOST PERFECT 


(continued from page 86) 
because Tommy Willis was a southpaw, 
and it's true what you've heard about 
them. Pud Hairston was a pitcher him- 
self for 12 years and has been a pitching 
coach for better than 20, and he swears 
they're all knuckleballs, meaning you 
never know which way they're going to 
break. I don't know why it should be true, 
why you can predict a man will have a 
wild hair on the basis of which arm he 
uses to throw the ball, or why it only 
seems to work that way with pitchers, 
while a left-handed outfielder or first 
baseman will be as regular as the next 
person, or at least the next ballplayer. A 
southpaw has an edge against lefi-hand- 
ed batters and gives up the same edge to 
righties, and I can see why that would 
be, same as 1 or anybody else can see why 
he'd have an advantage throwing over 
to first. But what has all of this got to 
do with what goes on in his head? That 
makes no sense to me, but I've known 
enough of them and caught enough of 
them to be able to swear it's true. 

1 said he was early for a change, and 
he grinned that lazy grin of his. “Gotta 
get them Bobcats,” he said. We went out 
and threw a few, and then he put on a 
jacket and sat down while 1 went and 
took my turn in the cage. I love batting 
practice. You just stand there and hit. I'd 
do it all day if they'd let me. 

Around the time the ground crew got 
to smoothing out the base paths, I 
checked the stands and spotted my wife 
sitting where she generally did. 1 waved, 
but she was deep in conversation with 
Sally Peres and didn't see me. There were 
rumors that we were looking to trade 


Reynaldo Peres, and for Kathy's sake I 
hoped they weren't true, as Sally was her 
closest friend among the wives. (Other 
hand, if I was the general manager, Per- 
es would have been gone by now. He's 
always behind in the count, and that 
means every hitter is a struggle for him.) 

“I don't see Colleen,” 1 said to Tommy, 
and he said she wasn't coming. 

"She gets tired of baseball," he said. 

Anybody'll tire of baseball from time 
to time, even the men who play it, and 
I can see how a wife could get sick of it, 
especially if she wasn't too crazy about 
hanging out with the other wives. And 
the TV cameras pan those rows all the 
time, so you have to make sure you look 
interested and that the camera doesn't 
catch you yawning or picking your nose. 
Kathy doesn't come to every home game, 
not by any means. Still, a pitcher doesn't 
start but one game in five, so when he's 
up his wife's usually there to see him 

I didn't say anything, and Tommy 
said, “Hard to believe. 1 mean, how 
could a human being get tired of base- 
ball? But she does. She even gets tired of 
the Bobcats.” 

They were the defending world cham- 
pions and a good bet to repeat this year, 
and our attendance was never higher 
than when they came to town. So his re- 
mark was natural enough, but it had a 
little extra on it, and I wondered about 
that. But not for any length of time. We 
were just minutes away from the first 
pitch, which he'd be throwing and I'd be 
catching, and 1 was more interested in 
whether his fastball had a little extra on 
it, and how his curve was breaking. 

Introductions went like they always 
do, with cheers for us and boos for the 
Bobcats, the loudest round of boos for 


“. . . But I digress.” 


Wade Bemis. He had two strikes against 
him, as far as our fans were concerned. 
Number one, he was hitting .341 and 
neck and neck with Clipper DeYoung of 
the Orioles in the home run race. Num- 
ber two, he played for us for four years, 
jumping to the Bobcats as a free agent. 
That's fans for you. The better you are, 
the more they hate you, and it goes dou- 
ble if you used to play for their team. It 
never made sense to me, but there's not 
much about fans that does. 

After Bemis was introduced, the boos 
dropped to a more cordial level, and 
Pud Hairston came over and asked how 
Tommy was throwing. “He should be 
fine," I told him. 

But we both knew you could never tell 
for sure. Not until the game started, and 
even then you might not know right away. 


Early on, I thought fine was the one 
thing Tommy wasn't going to be that 
day. His first three pitches to their lead- 
off batter, Jeff Coleman, were all off the 
plate, all in the same spot, and each one 
a little farther from being a strike than 
the onc before it. I was calling for inside 
pitches, and he was missing away, and 
that's nota good sign. The next one was 
right down the middle, with Coleman 
taking all the way. If I'd been coach- 
ing the Bobcats Га have had him take 
the next pitch, too, the way Tommy had 
started him off 3-0, but he swung at a 
bad pitch and popped to short. 

"Tommy went to 3-1 on the second bat- 
ter. The biggest mistake a pitcher can 
make is to get behind in the count, and 
that's especially true for a hard-throwing 
kid like Tommy, who can have a problem 
with control. His next pitch caught the 
corner. The batter lined the 3-2 pitch, 
really got good wood on it, but it went. 
straight into the third baseman's glove 
like it had eyes. 

Tommy started the next hitter off with 
two balls, the second one in the dirt, and 
1 dug it out and walked it back to the 
mound. Bemis was in the on-deck circle, 
looking eager, and he'd be batting from 
the right-hand side of the plate today, 
since Tommy was a southpaw. His on- 
base average was about the same lefty 
or righty, but he had more power asa 
right-hander. 

"Let's get this guy,” I told Tommy. 
есе of pie,” he said. 

He'd say that, piece of pie, where oth- 
er people would say piece of cake. Other 
hand, he'd say something was easy as 
cake. 1 was never sure if he got the ex- 
pressions mixed up accidentally or on 
purpose. 

I went back and gave the sign—the 
hitter was McGinley, their left fielder, 
and the book on him was give him noth- 
ing but fastballs. The next two were 
straight heat, right where 1 wanted 
them, outside and down. The next pitch 
was in the same place, and I thought it 


PLAYBOY 


138 


got the corner, but it was ball three. The 


next one was down and in, probably off 


the plate but too close to take, and Mc- 
Ginley got a piece of it. But I got my 
glove up and held on to it, and we were 
out of the inning. 


We went down one two three, with two 
of our outs coming on the first pitch. 
There was just enough time for Pud to 
ask me how Tommy was throwing. 1 said 
I thought he was settling in. Pud said he 
hoped so. 

Wade Bemis led off, and he did every- 
thing but tip his hat to the fans who 
booed him. He stood in there like he was 
waiting for someone to take his picture, 
and maybe he was. Bemis likes to crowd 
the plate, and the only way to get him 
out is to pitch him inside. Tommy almost 
hit him with the first pitch. Bemis went 
into the dirt to get away from it, and 
he had a smug look on his face as he 
brushed off his uniform. I called for heat 
and Tommy gave it to him. Bemis took it 
for strike one, swung at the next one and 
missed it, and looked silly swinging ata 
splitter that bounced on the plate. 

‘That got a hand from the crowd. They 
cheered some more when Tommy struck 
out the side. 


1 don't know just when it was Í re- 
alized something special was going on. 
Oh, I knew he had his stuff when he 
fanned Bemis. His fastball was popping, 
and his control just got sharper. It got so 
1 would just stick out the mitt and he'd 
hit it. And his curve was breaking real 
good, and his change had the Bobcat 
batters digging for balls in the dirt. 

And we were in sync, too. He wasn't 
shaking off my signs hardly at all, and 
the few times he did I was already ques- 
joning the sign in my own mind. It was 
like we had our minds hooked up and 
we were going over the batters together, 
figuring how to move them back off the 
plate, then get them to chase stuff they 
couldn't hit. When it's like that, I some- 
times lose track in my own mind as to 
who's catching and who's pitching. It's 
like we're both part of the same ma- 
chine, with the gears meshing just right. 

Bemis led off the top of the fifth. We'd 
left the bases loaded in the bottom of the 
fourth, and you hate to see that, and Be- 
mis had a cocky smile on his face when. 
he stepped in. Like we'd had our chance, 
and blew it, and it was his turn now. 

"Tommy got the first one in—he was 
throwing nothing but first-pitch strikes 
by now. His next delivery was low but 


“Yes—too damn smart, if you ask me!” 


didn't miss by much. Next was a curve, 
and Bemis swung late and fouled it back. 
I called for a fastball down and on the 
outside corner, and Tommy got it where 
I wanted it, but Ev Kalman called it ball 
two. I swear it caught the corner, but my 
opinion doesn't count. It was too close to 
take with two strikes, but Bemis stood 
there and took it. He has a good eye, but 
he was lucky to get the call. 

He fouled off about four pitches—it 
could have been five—and checked his 
swing on a curve that he couldn't have 
reached with a broom. I checked with 
the first-base umpire, but he said he 
didn't go around. I'd have sworn he did, 
but you see what you want to see, and 
anyway no one was asking me. 

Next pitch we challenged him with a 
fastball, high and tight, and he fouled it 
off. I called for another in the same spot, 
and he was just the least bit late in his 
swing, and that's what saved us, because 
he really tagged that one. But instead of 
pulling it he lifted it to the gap in right 
center and Justo Chacón floated under it 
and took it at the warning track. 

Bemis was halfway to second when the 
catch was made, and he turned and trot- 
ted back to the Bobcats’ dugout. I hap- 
pened to notice the expression on his 
face, and he didn't look frustrated or dis- 
appointed, mad at himself or at Tommy 
or Justo. He looked all pleased with him- 
self, which wasn't what you'd expect from 
someone who was 0 for 2 for the day. 

Maybe it was the look on his face that 
made me turn around and look over to 
the stands, where the wives were sitting. 
Kathy was there, of course, and I caught 
her eye when I turned around, and she 
gave me a wave. I grinned back, happy 
because we'd just dodged a bullet, with 
Bemis' shot nothing but a long out, hap- 
py too because there was my wife waving 
atme. 

1 looked for Colleen, but of course she 
wasn't there, and I reminded myself that. 
"Tommy had said she wasn't coming. I 
hadn't exactly forgotten that, but Bemis” 
expression made me look for her even 
though I knew she wouldn't be there. 

I'd heard the rumors, see. 1 guess ev- 
erybody heard the rumors. But you 
hear stuff like that all the time. You don't 
pay any attention to it, or at least you try 
not to. 


Once Bemis was out of the way, it on- 
ly took us four pitches to get out of the 
inning. Tommy used three of them to 
strike out the number five hitter—two 
fastballs that he swung at and missed 
and a curve he held off on. It was right 
on the corner, and this time we got the 
call. Then the next Bobcat batter fouled 
off the first pitch and our first baseman 
made a nice running catch at the stands. 
Three up and three down. 

And that was when it first hit me that 
what I had just seen was 15 up and 15 


down, that we'd played five innings with- 
out a single Bobcat making it to first 
base. No runs, no hits, no errors, no 
bases on balls, nothing. Tommy Willis, 
who had started out shaky, like he might 
walk the bases loaded, was past the half- 
way mark of throwing a perfect game. 

That's what it was, but you have to 
keep in mind that it sounds like more 
than it is. Being halfway to a perfect 
game (or an ordinary no-hitter, for that 
matter, if there can be such a thing as an 
ordinary no-hitter) is a little like being 
90 years old and saying you're halfway 
to 180. It's not as though you're an even- 
money shot to get there. 

No-hitters are funny. Some of the win- 
ningest pitchers in baseball have never 
had one, or even come close. They get 
out the guys they have to get out, they 
shut things down when they've got men 
in scoring position, and game after game 
they scatter a handful of hits and come 
out on top. 

But to throw a no-hitter you have to 
be on top of every batter you face. And 
you need to be lucky, too, because you 
can have the best stuff in the world, and 
some lifetime .220 hitter can lunge at the 
ball and knock a fluke into shallow left. A 
no-hitter's like a soap bubble: It doesn't 
take much to burst it. 

And a perfect game's all that and 
more, because not only can a lucky swing 
beat you, but a batter can get lucky by 
not swinging, and your too-close-to-take 
curveball turns out to be ball four. Your 
outfielder can misjudge what should 
have been a routine fly ball, your short- 
stop can bobble a grounder and throw it 
into the stands. Not your fault, but there 
goes your perfect game. 

There are a million superstitions in 
baseball, plus the private rituals some 
players go through. Maybe it's because 
there's so much in the game you can't 
control, so you try to get a handle on it 
by fastening and unfastening the snaps 
on your batting glove, or keeping a hit- 
ting streak alive by not shaving, or 
pounding your glove a certain number 
of times between pitches. No one could 
follow all the baseball superstitions, es- 
pecially since some of them contradict 
each other, and anyway there's too many 
of them to remember. But one that just 
about everybody follows is what you do 
when a guy is throwing a no-hitter, and 
that's that you don't do anything. And 
what you especially don't do is mention it. 

It used to be that radio and TV an- 
nouncers wouldn't mention it, and some 
of them still won't, but plenty of them 
seem to figure that they're tco far away 
to jinx it, and their viewers would have a 
fit if they wound up watching a no-hitter 
without realizing it 

But you don't mention it in the dug- 
out or on the field. You sure as hell don't 
say a word to the pitcher, but you don't 
say anything to anybody else, either. And 
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PLAYBOY 


140 


on the other team, doing everything you 
can to keep from having a no-hitter 
pitched against you, you still don't say a 
word about it. 

І don't know why that is. There's no 
limit to what ballplayers will say, trying 
to get a rise out of one another. You'll 
hear comments about a player's wife, or 
even his mother. But you won't hear any- 
thing about the no-hitter he's so many 
outs away from throwing. I thought it 
might be like countries at war not using 
poison gas, because if they do the other 
side might use it right back at them. But 
how would that work in baseball? The 
other team couldn't mention your no- 
hitter until you had one going, and it 
might be forever before that happened. 

T guess it's just a feeling that mention- 
ing it would be bush. Looking bush is 
something a ballplayer will do a lot in or- 
der not to. 

But the point is, Tommy was 12 outs 
away from a perfect game, which is 
miles and miles away but close enough to 
be aware of. And I wasn't saying any- 
thing, and neither was anybody else, but 
1 would look around and catch another 
player's eye and Га know he knew what 
was going on, and he'd know the same 


about me. And pretty soon everybody 
knew, and nobody said a word. 

Except the one person I wasn't sure 
about was Tommy. I tried not to stare, 
but of course I was looking at him when 
he was out there and I was behind the 
plate, because how could I catch him 
properly without taking a lot of long 
looks at him? And when it was our turn 
at bat I couldn't help sneaking peeks at 
him, and it seemed to me he was just 
looking straight ahead and not seeing 
anything. He wasin a zone, all right. 
He was off somewbere with his pri- 
vate thoughts, and what those thoughts 
might be or where they were headed was 
something 1 didn't have a clue about. 
Maybe he was seeing the whole game, 
past and future, pitch by pitch, or maybe 
he was off in some world where there 
was no such thing as baseball. 1 could 
stare at him all I wanted and it wouldn't 
matter. He wouldn't know I was staring, 
and I wouldn't be able to tell what was 
going on in his head. 


Tommy struck out the side in the top 
of the sixth. Justo walked to lead off our 
half of the inning, and I laid down a 


“That's a bit deep for me. Please explain again how my going 
to bed with you would benefit the economy.” 


bunt that was good enough to get him to 
second. But that was as far as he got. A 
pop-up and a ground ball and the in- 
ning was over. 

In the top of the seventh, Tommy 
went to three and two on the leadoff bat- 
ter. Then he shook off my signs until I 
called for a curveball that 1 didn't really 
want him to throw, and he hung it. The 
batter got all of it, and I thought it was 
gone, and it was, but it hooked at the last 
minute and was foul by a couple of feet. 

The whole ballpark held its breath, 
and when the ball went out and the um- 
pire called it foul, everybody in the place 
sighed at once. And there were cheers, 
real cheers, and as far as 1 know it's the 
first time anybody drew cheers for hit- 
tinga foul ball. The batter had only gota 
few steps toward first base, since he and 
everybody else knew right away it was ei- 
ther a home run or a foul ball, so there 
was no need to set any records getting 
down the line. He trotted back and 
picked up his bat and struck out on the 
next pitch. 

The next batter tapped a grounder to 
first, and the inning ended with a foul 
pop. It was high enough so that 1 could 
imagine a hundred things going wrong 
in the time it took to come down, but it 
plopped in my mitt and stayed there, 
and we were out of the inning. Twenty- 
one up and 21 down, and six to go. 


We scored two runs in the bottom of 
the seventh, and I'd say it was about 
time. The thing is, no matter how good a 
pitcher is, he can't win a game without 
runs. There was even a case once of. 
a pitcher throwing nine no-hit innings 
and losing in extra innings. People don't 
believe it could happen, but it's right 
there in the book. 

Anyway, with one out Darnell Weeks 
doubled down the line, and Tommy was 
next in the order. Ordinarily that would 
have meant a pinch hitter, because Tom- 
my's batting average is a lot less than his 
playing weight. He takes a decent cut at 
the ball, but more often than not he fans. 

So, with the game on the line, he'd 
have been gone. And that would have 
been true even if we already had a lot of 
runs on the board. Tommy would hard- 
ly ever stay in for a whole nine innings. 
If we were behind he'd come out for a 
pinch hitter, and if we were ahead we'd 
have Freddie Olendorff close things out. 
But you don't lift a guy who's six outs 
away from a no-hitter, let alone a per- 
fect game. Tommy picked up a bat and 
struck out on three pitches. 

Pepper Foxwell was up next, and he 
ran the count to three and two, fouled 
off five or six pitches and finally got one 
that he liked. He's our leadoff batter 
and doesn't usually hit for power, but 
this time he swung hard and got all of 
it, and just like that, Tommy had a two- 
run cushion 


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1 watched the ball go out, and as soon 
as it cleared the fence I looked over 
at Tommy. Everybody else was off the 
bench with the crack of the bat, climbing 
up the dugout steps to watch and then to 
cheer, but Tommy never moved. I don't 
even know if he saw what was happen- 
ing, or paid any attention to it. 

He was in a zone, and he might as well 
have been in a bubble. Between innings, 
nobody sat down next to him and no- 
body talked to him. That's part of not 
mentioning a no-hitter. You just leave 
the pitcher alone, you let him stay in 
his own space, and I guess that's where 
he was. 

‘The next man up hit a long fly, and it 
looked for a minute like it was going out, 
too, but their center fielder gathered it 
in at the track, and that was the third out. 


Wade Bemis led off the top of the 
eighth. He had a funny look on his face, 
not ї you expect of someone whose 
team is getting shut out. Like there wasa 
joke and he was in on it. 

"Hey, Willis," he called out. "You're al- 
most perfect." 

Now, I'd say the whole park went si- 
lent, but it pretty much already was. 
Because everybody in the stadium knew 
Tommy Willis was six outs away from 
putting a perfect game in the record 
book, and if that won't quiet a crowd 
down I don't know what will. 

Quiet as it was, Bemis’ words rang out 
loud and clear, and what followed them 
was a whole lot of silence. I was truly 
shocked, and the first thing I did was 
look at Tommy, but if his face showed 
any expression I couldn't read it. 

In an undertone, so nobody but Bemis 
could hear it, 1 said, "Man, that was real- 
ly bush." 

He must have heard me, but he didn't 


react. “Just like Colleen," he said, loud 
and clear. "She's pretty close to perfect. 
herself, Willis." 

Now Tommy reacted, but nor like 
you'd expect. He gor this big grin on his 
face. He stood up there on the mound 
while Wade Bemis knocked the dirt out 
of his spikes and got into his stance. Be- 
mis crowded the plate, the way he always 
did, but this time he was closer than ever. 
I called for a fastball on the inside corner 
and Tommy delivered it belt-high. It was 
a strike, and Kalman called it a strike, 
but at the same time it was almost the 
end of Tommy's perfect game, because it 
was that close to brushing Wade Bemis's 
uniform. It was over the plate, but even 
so it almost hit him. In fact I wasn't sure 
it didn't touch the cloth, and if it had 
that would have put him on first, even if 
it was in the strike zone. 

Everything would have been different. 
The box score would have been the 
same, if you think about it, but every- 
thing would have been different. 

As close as the pitch was, Bemis didn't 
turn a hair. He didn't make a remark, ei- 
ther. He stepped out of the box, picked 
up some dirt, gave his batting helmet a 
tug, and stepped in again. If anything, 
he was crowding the plate more than 
ever. 

I called for a curve outside. It would 
break in toward a right-handed batter 
like Bemis, and if it worked right it 
would just catch the outside corner. It 
would be a tougher pitch for him to han- 
dle if Tommy could first move him off 
the plate by throwing high and tight, but 
I was afraid another inside pitch would 
geta piece of his uniform and he'd be on 
first and Tommy's perfect game would 
be out the window. I set up low, figuring 
if Tommy kept the ball down it would 
be a tough pitch for Bemis to handle, 
even if he was just about standing on 


“I have yet to meet a man I can't bring to orgasm with 
a riding crop and a pair of spurs." 


the plate. 

Well, everybody in the world saw the 
pitch that Tommy threw. They showed it 
over and over on every news program in 
the country. Í try not to look at it, bur I 
still guess I must have seen it 100 times, 
with Tommy going into his windup and 
throwing his fastball straight at Wade 
Bemis' head. Except it wasn't right at his 
head, it was behind his head, so that 
when Bemis saw it coming and tried to 
getaway from it he just pulled right back 
into it. 

Somebody had a radar gun clocking 
the pitch—somebody always does, these 
days—and the ball was going 102 miles 
an hour when it hit Bemis. Tommy 
threw it at his head and there was noth- 
ing the matter with his control. It got Be- 
mis just above the ear, and ГЇЇ never for- 
get the sound it made. 

I suppose they could hear it clear to 
Cooperstown. 

Bemis was wearing a batting helmet. 
You have to, and I think they even wear. 
them in slo-pitch sofiball nowadays, and 
there's no question that they prevent a 
lot of injuries. But so do seat belts, and 
what good are they if your plane flies in- 
to the side of a mountain? 

Everybody saw the pitch, and every- 
body saw what happened next, with 
Wade Bemis falling flat and lying still, 
anda whole stadium full of people catch- 
ing their breath. And then, the next 
thing anybody knew, there were a dozen 
cops out on the field, all of them head- 
ing for the pitcher's mound. My first 
thought was that they were there to pro- 
tect Tommy, to keep the Bobcats from 
taking a shot at him, but the Bobcats 
were in the same state we were, too 
shocked and stunned to do anything 
much but stand around. And the cops 
weren't protecting Tommy. What they 
were doing was putting cuffs on him and 
taking him into custody. 

Wade Bemis left first. An ambulance 
drove in from the bullpen entrance and 
drove right across the infield, and they 
got him on a stretcher and loaded him 
on the ambulance and drove out the way 
they came, siren blazing away. They 
didn't need the siren, as it turned out, 
and they didn't even need the ambu- 
lance, because Bemis was dead on arrival 
at the hospital, and he was most likely 
dead when he hit the ground. 

Just about everybody watched the am- 
bulance leave, and most of the crowd 
missed Tommy's exit. He left in hand- 
cuffs, escorted by 10 or a dozen cops, 
and they took him out through the dug- 
out and the locker room so nobody real- 
ly knew what was happening. 

And then we finished the game. 

There was some criticism later about 
that, some people arguing that the game 
should have been called on the spot, but 
how could you do that? For one thing, 
I think you'd have had a riot on your 
hands. You don't call off a game every. 


time a batter gets hit by a pitch. 


Some rookie, a skinny guy named Hec- 
tor Ruiz, was announced as a pinch run- 
ner, and he was awarded first base. And 
our closer, Freddie Olendorff, came on 
relief. He took his warm-up throws, 
d I got a hunch and called for a 
pitchout on the first pitch, and sure 
enough, Hector Ruiz was off and run- 
ning. I threw down to Pepper Foxwell at 
second and we had him out by four feet. 
The next two batters grounded out, 
and that was it for the Bobcats in the top 
of the eighth. They brought in a new 
pitcher in the bottom of the inning and 
he walked the bases loaded, and we 
scored two more runs before they man- 
aged to put a stop 
to the bleeding. 
Then Freddie went 
out there and shut 
down the Bobcats 
one two three, on a 
pair of ground balls 
and a foul pop that | 
I caught for the fi- 
nal out. 

We were in the 
locker room and the 
crowd was out of 
the stadium and 
halfway home be- 
fore we found out 
what had actually 
happened that a 
ternoon. That Be- 
mis was dead, which 
was what we were 
all afr. 
course, but didn't 
know for a fact, not | 
until the word fil- 
tered through to us. 
And that Tommy | 
Willis was in a jail 
cell, charged with 
murder. 

That was hard 
to believe. I think 
everybody knew it 
wasn't an accident, 
that he'd thrown 
that ball at Wade 


charged Tommy for murdering. 
It was Colleen. 


That was why the cops were out on 
the field almost before Bemis hit the 
ground. They'd been waiting since the. 
fourth inning. It was around then that 
police officers went to the Willis house in 
Northbrook in response to a neighbor's 
complaint. They found Tommy's wife, 
Colleen, in the bedroom with a carving 
knife stuck in her chest. 

A pair of detectives came straight to 
the ballpark, but they had the car radio 
tuned to the ballgame, so before they got 
there they knew Tommy was pitching, 


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ed a no-hitter and led the pitcher off in 
handcuffs? And this wasn't just any no- 
hitter, it was a perfect game in the mak- 
ing. You could easily have a riot on your. 
hands. 

And suppose Tommy turned out to be 
innocent? Suppose somebody else stuck 
the knife in her, and when it was all over 
he'd lost not only his beautiful wife but 
his chance for baseball immortality, all 
because a couple of eager-beaver cops 
couldn't wait for a few more innings? 

And here's another thing. If they were 
listening to the game on the radio, that 
probably means they were fans. And 
what kind of fan is going to screw up 
anybody's perfect game? 

The way it turned 
out, the way it goes 
in the record book, 
Tommy Willis and 
Freddie Olendorff 
combined to throw 
a no-hitter. That's 
rare enough, but 
this was a no-hitter 
where they faced 
only 27 batters. The 
one man who did 
reach first—not on 
a hit, a walk or an. 
error, unless you 
call a hit batsman 
a pitcher's error— 
that one man was 
thrown out stealing. 
So you'd have to say 
the game the two 
of them pitched was 
the closest possible 
thing to a perfect 
game. 

Some perfect 
game. 

Colleen was hav- 
ing an affair with 
Wade Bemis, and 
"Tommy found out. 
And they had a fight 
about it, and you 
know how it ended, 
with the carving 
knife stuck in her 


Bemis on purpose. 
And some of us knew that he hadn't 
been trying to just brush him back, but 
that he meant to hit him. 

And I knew just how intentional it 
was, because I knew what pitch I'd called 
and where I had set up. And Tommy 
didn't even bother to shake off my sign. 
He nodded and went into his windup 
and threw the ball straight at Bemi: 

But since when did you charge a 
ЛЛ ERRASSE Ее 
have been pitchers fined for throwing 
intentional beanballs, and there have 
been some brief suspensions, but crimi- 
nal charges? That's something I've never 
heard of. 

We didn't know it then, but of course it 
wasn't Wade Bemis that the authorities 


and that he hadn't allowed a hit. They 
got a lot of flak later on for not arresting 
him right away, and there's no question 
but that Wade Bemis would be alive 
if they had, but I can sce why they did 
what they did. 

On the one hand, there was no rush. 
"Tommy wasn't going anywhere. All they. 
had to do was wait until the game was 
over, or at least until he'd been yanked 
for a pinch hitter, and he could be taken 
into custody without making a public 
spectacle of the whole thing. That's what 
you'd have if you arrested him in the 
middle of any game, and it would be 
even worse given the game he was pitch- 
ing. Can you imagine what the crowd's 
reaction would be if the police interrupt- 


chest. And maybe if 
Bemis hadn't said what he said at his last 
at, Tommy would have let it go and 
just hung in there and pitched to him. 
The way he was throwing, you have to 
figure he'd have gotten him out, and five 
more after him, and completed his per- 
fect game and gotten his cheers and gone 
off quietly with the arresting officers. 

Or maybe Bemis would have gotten a 
hit, and, with the no-hitter out of reach, 
Tommy would have come out of there. 
Maybe the Bobcats would have rallied 
and broken things open and won the 
game. I mean, it's baseball. 

And anything can happen in a base- 


ball game. 
El 


143 


PLAYBOY 


144 


PANTIES 


(continued from page 114) 
nevertheless. (When I heard this, I was 
sorry I never had sex with him before he 
got married.) Matt has a theory—the ob- 
stacle theory—which is that the more of 
a barrier there is, the more tension and 
the more pleasure in removing it. His 
wife's panties are a simulated hymen 
night after night. 

Panties are the only clement of my 
wardrobe I care about. I like my pink- 
and-white stretch pants and my bluc 
plastic jacket, but 1 don't feel the need to 
talk to them. One time 1 forgot to put on 
underwear and went to an amusement 
park. When I stepped out of the fun 
house, a shaft of air threw my skirt over 
my head. The 4000 or so revelers who 
happened to be facing my way saw ev- 
erything. It seemed such a shame. I 
work so hard to choose my panties, and. 
while only a few people a year get to see 


the results, here was a chance to impress 
thousands and I blew it. 

A while ago I decided I needed new 
panties, so I picked up my friends Kate 
and Amy and drove from New Hamp- 
shire, where we live, to New York City. 
The first stop was Bergdorf Goodman, 
known for its expensive undergarments 
and its mirrors, marble, lights glinting 
off gold things and doormen with no. 
faces. Panties filled the sixth floor. In 
a glass case, alone, lay the frothy pair 
of my dreams. 1 imagined picking up a 
sleazy man at a late-night diner and how 
surprised he would be when only my 
panties remained, floating blissfully near 
my skin. “I can see you are not who I 
thought you were,” he would say, with a 
sleazy-man gasp. “Who are you, Lisa? 
Who are you?” I would smile. These 
were not the undergarments of a mortal. 
These belong to an angel or someone 
else high up, very thin, who almost nev- 
er goes to the bathroom. 


Brown. 


“Heavens, where are my manners? Would any of you. boys 
care for a blow job?” 


An older saleswoman dressed in lin- 
en approached. I asked her about the 
space-princess panties. “Those are Lise 
Charmels," she said. “They're hand- 
sewn in France.” I couldn't wait to get 
my hands on them. Then she added the 
coup de gráce: "They're works of art.” 
Art! She took the panties and my $90 
and disappeared (this place is so fancy 
they don't want to sully it with cash reg- 
isters). We found out later her name was 
Adrienne, and that scemed so perfect. 
Who else but an Adrienne could sell you 
$90 panties? 

"This is something men have never un- 
derstood when it comes to women and 
shopping: It's all about being had. We 
pretend to look for bargains, but that's a 
game, like when a woman at a bar tells 
you she's going to have one drink. Shop- 
ping is not about acquiring, it's about 
losing. We aren't satisfied until we're fi- 
nancially naked and helpless. All I need- 
ed now to complete my masochistic plea- 
sure was to be mugged and robbed of 
my Bergdorf bag and my last $100. 

Our next stop was Purple Passion, an 
entirely black store—floor, ceiling, walls, 
inventory—run by entirely white peo- 
ple. I found latex panties and chain-mail 
panties with matching bra, which I think 
will be my bikini this year. How I will 
glint in the sun! And what odd tan lines 
ГЇЇ have. Did you know that until the 
15th century, women's underwear was 
big smocks they put on over their heads? 
And when some women cut little slits 
down the front and up the skirt, priests 
called the slits “windows to hell.” What 
would they make of my chain-mail biki- 
ni? Open door, open gate, no speed lim- 
it. And 1 can't wait to wear the latex pant- 
ies. I'm going to tell everyone, “I have 
rubber panties on!" They'll be shocked 
and impressed. 

Victoria's Secret used to be my hero, 
but now the store is about slips, which are 
designed to conceal pantie lines. That is 
not a lofty goal. Slips, slips everywhere, 
and the panties are all too big for me. 
Kate bought six pairs of stockings and 
Amy purchased a rain-forest slip em- 
bossed with a pattern suggesting reptil- 
ian scales. She suggested I buy one, too. 

"I don't want to put the idea in some 
guy's head that I'm lizard-like,” I said. 
“It'd be fun for one night, but he might 
never get the idea out of his head.” 

I held up a pair of flesh-colored nylon 
panties. “What about these?” 

“They would make you look like a Bar- 
bie,” said Amy. 

“I'd say, ‘Look, I have no privates. You 
better investigate. Poke around." 

As I had only $2.78 left, we headed to 
Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart sells “comfort.” Com- 
fort is the enemy of all women. When 
they say comfort, what they mean is to 
give up. Quit sucking in your gut, quit 
waxing, quit wearing garters—there is 


no way you'll get lucky by surprise. A 
disturbing trend in cheap panties is ne- 
on yellow smiley faces and cartoon char- 
acters' big heads—like Tweety Bird em- 
bossed on the front. I winced, imagining 
those cheerful faces just beneath the 
droopy sweatpants of a thousand milling 
shoppers. 

Kate revealed that she has a face on 
one of her pairs of undies: Paul Stanley 
of Kiss. 

“How do men react when they pull 
your pants down and Paul Stanley's face 
greets them?" 

“It freaks them out!" 

Amy bought a six-pack of men's white 
underwear. She likes to stretch and wash 
them until they're faded and have runs. 
It excites her to look down and see those 
sad things looking back at her. I don't 
understand it. But Amy is a lesbian, and 
1 don't understand the lesbian thing. 
Whar's not to like about men? They're 
kind of bony and hairy, but that's part 
of their charm. If you like lizards, then 
you can find it in your heart to like men. 
It's funny how the three sexual orienta- 
tion groups—straight, bent and slightly 
bent—don't understand one another's 
ways at all. And each of us believes that 
everyone else actually belongs in our. 
group but is in denial. 

These philosophical differences are 
why an underwear fight broke out in the 
Wal-Mart parking lot when Amy sug- 
gested that the word panties is used by 
men to infantilize women. Ergo women 
are helpless and dependent on men 
"Panties are just about panties," Kate 
shot back. "They're not about babies or 
lizards or any other crap. They're about 
covering your crotch in a decorative 
manner” Kate has such profuse sex she 
doesn't have time to think of the political 
implications of her underwear. 

I had a different slant. "Panties is a 
word used to connote their difference 
from underwear. Underwear is unisex 
items to protect pants from liquids and 
minimize those ungodly bulges when 
the pants are tight. Panties live only to be 
discovered—and ripped off. Mauled! 
Underwear survives, panties don't." My 
rants always come back to that: panties 
being ripped off my body. 

The next morning I awoke to find 
Kate standing over me. "Look at my pa- 
jamas!" she exclaimed. "I have no idea 
how I got into these.” She wore a slc 
less white T-shirt and baby blue silk 
panties with ruffles on the butt. I looked 
down. I was wearing my $90 panties and 
nothing else. Kate went to make coffee 
while I took a minute to admire my pur- 
chase in the sunlight. Adrienne was 
right. They were of the highest quality. 1 
poked around in my purse for scissors 
and made a snip on each side. Panties 
never lie, but they don't always tell the. 


whole truth. 


HOW 


ro 


BUY 


Below is a list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can con- 
tact for information on where 
to find this month's merchan- 
dise. To buy the apparel and 
equipment shoum on pages 33, 
4344, 88-91, 113, 122 and 
167, check the listings below to 
find the stores nearest you. 


WIRED 
Page 33: “Hunt Booty 
With GPS Pirates": Scav- 


MW 
, 


AA 


Fu 


Tshirt and shirt by Wil- 
liam Reid, available at Fred 
Segal, 323-655-3734. Out- 
fit by Gucci, 212-826-2600. 
Suit, shirt and belt by Cer- 
ruti, 212-327-2222. Suits, 
shirts, ties and belts by 
Kenneth Cole, 800-KEN- 
COLE. Suit, shirt and tie by 
Dries Van Noten, available 
at Barneys, 212-826-8900. 
Page 91: Outfits, acces- 
sories and suit by /ohn Var- 


enger hunt, geocaching. 
com. GPS by Garmin, garmin.com. 
"Signed, Sealed and Digitized": PenCam 
from Upper Deck, 800-873-7332. “Wild 
Thing": DVD recorder by Vivastar, 508- 
699-2211 or www.vivastar.com. “Box- 
ing": Software by EA Sports, 800-245- 
4595. By Codemasters, codemasters.com. 


MANTRACK 

Page 43: "To Sea, to Sea": Powerboat 
by Magnum Marine, 305-931-4292. “Ori- 
ental Expressions": Cookbook from 10 
Speed Press, at bookstores. Page 44: 
"Great Basins”: Bath furnishings from 
Duravit, 888-DURAVIT or duravit.com. 
“Prowler Arrested": Car by Daimler- 
Chrysler, daimlerchrysler.com. “Guys Are 
Talking About": Hotel, Grand America, 
800-533-3525 or grandamerica.com. 
Golf book from Chronicle Books, au book- 
stores. 


TREND SPOTTING 

Page 88: Leather vest and suede jacket 
by Louis Vuitton, vuitton.com. Leather 
jacket by Valentino, 212-772-6969. Suede 
sports coat by / Sander, 800-704-7317. 
Suede blazer by Hermes, hermes.com. 
Leather overcoat by Burberry, burberry. 
com. Page 89: Jean jacket by Calvin Klein, 
800-294-7978. Jean jacket and combo 
shirt by Marc Jacobs, 212-924-0026. 
Sports coat by William Reid, available at 
Fred Segal, 323-655-3734. Jeans by Guc- 
ci, 219-896-2600. Outfits by Tommy Hil- 
figer, B00-roMMY-caRES. Outfit by Louis 
Vuitton, vuitton.com. Outfit, top and 
pants by Andrew Dibben, 323-662-9189. 
Outfit by Jil Sander, 800-704-7317. Page 
irt by Fendi, 212-262-7321, Shirts 
mpol Serimont, 212-279-0866. 


vatos, 212-965-0700. Suit, 
shirt and tie by Cerruti, 212-327-2222. 
Suit, shirt and tie by Dolce and Gabbana, 
212-249-4100. 


SKIN GAME 

Page 113: Skin cream by Aramis, at de- 
partment stores. Astringent by Aroma- 
pharmacy, 877-553-7847 or aromaphar 
macy.com. Fragrance by Victoria's Secret, 
800-888-1500 or VictoriasSecret.com. 
Face scrub by Nivea, at drugstores. Oil- 
reducing gel and eye cream by Lob Se- 
ries, at department stores. Preshave oil 
by Anthony Logistics, anthony.com. Fra- 
grance by Dior, 800-929-3467. Moistur- 
izing serum and rescue gel by Nickel, 
nickel.fr. Clay mask and shaving cream 
by Zirh, 800-295-8877 or zirh.com. After- 
shave balm by Tommy Hilfiger, at depart- 
ment stores. Fragrance by Roger el Gallet, 
800-884-5944. Oil-control hydrator 
by Calvin Klein, at department stores. 
Fragrance by Dunhill, 800-541-0738 or 
dunhill.com. 


BEACH IT! 

Page 122: "Strokin' It": Watercrafts: By 
Sea Doo, seadoo.com. By Honda, honda 
motorcycle.com. By Kawasaki, kawasal 
com. By Yamaha, yamaha-motor.com. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 167: "Electronics 2002 At Last": 
Digital camera by Creative Labs, crea 
tive.com. Digital audio and video re- 
corder by Panasonic, 800-211-7262. Per- 
sonal digital assistant by Sharp, 800-237- 
4277. Phone by Samsung, 800-726-7864. 
MP3 player by Sonicblue, sonicblue.com. 
Home theater receiver by Motorola, mo 
torola.com/broadband. 


EMEDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY өт P 3 PATTY BEAUOCT FRANCES, STAM BLACK 


5 BUCKLEY. ATHENA GASSOUMIS, DAVID 


TREYTAG. тума LAME W. MANEUP. ALEXIS VOGEL AND MICHELLE VAN DER MULE, MA) 


145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


THE ART OF THE TELL 


(continued from page 93) 
without a great hand. A player with neat 
stacks is often a good target for a bluff of 
your own. 

A player who stacks his chips haphaz- 
ardly is usually on the warpath. Expect 
liberal calling and betting, which means 
you can call with a fairly weak hand. This 
is a player you should almost never at- 
tempt to bluff. 


SECRET GLANCE AT CHIPS 


If you spot an opponent stealing a 
glance at his chips, you can assume he's 
considering a bet, and that's almos 
ways because he has helped his hand. 
This isn't an act, because he doesn't real- 
ize you're watching him. He thinks you're 
looking at the card you just reccived. 
Thats why you should never look at 
your cards as they arrive. Instead, watch 
your buddies as they watch their cards. 


BREATHING AND TREMBLING 


Many players believe that a trembling 
hand indicates a bluff. But in all the 
years I've played poker, this has never 
been the case. The shaking is a "calling 
reflex"—the natural release of tension 


that comes from connecting with a big 
hand. If an opponent who is staring at 
a card suddenly starts to tremble, look 
out. Fold anything but a monstrously 
strong hand. 

Bluffers are less animated, more re- 
served, sometimes scarcely breathing (or 
even holding their breath). They be- 
come rigid to keep themselves from trem- 
bling, because they know most play- 
ers see that as a sign of weakness. The 
bluffer doesn't want to do anything that 
would trigger a call. 


JITTERING AND OTHER LOSING HABITS 


One of my favorite tells is what I call 
jittering. For example, some players will 
tap their fingers on the table. If thcy do 
this habitually after they bet, it may not 
mean anything. 

If you're unsure whether to call, let 
the tapping decide. If you reach for your 
chips and your opponent continues tap- 
ping, fold. It shows his lack of concern. 
If the tapping stops, call. Not everyone 
taps. Some players hum quietly to them- 
selves, whistle softly or have fidgety feet 
(though you have to be sitting close to see 
that). But the principle is the same: If the 
action continues when you begin to call, 
fold your hand. If it stops, continue with 


“If putting three stars by your name in my little black book doesn’t 
prove my love, then nothing will.” 


the call. This single strategy has earned 
me hundreds of thousands of dollars. 


LOOKING AWAY 

A player who is staring at you is always 
less dangerous than one looking away. 
Many players who have strong hands 
look away as the action approaches be- 
cause they're trying to appear uninter- 
ested or distracted. You can safely as- 
sume that your buddy is trying to make 
it safe for you to bet. It's likely if you do 
bet that you will be raised. 

Players who stare at you are usually 
trying to prevent a bet. It’s an attempt 
to intimidate you into thinking they're 
strong. Don't hesitate to bet medium 
hands. You'll likely get called by a weak- 
er hand, and it's unlikely you'll be raised. 


REACHING FOR CHIPS 


Suppose it's your turn to act, and you 
spot an opponent reaching for his chips. 
This is an implied threat. Your buddy is 
saying, “I'm going to call your ass.” But 
why would he give you that information 
before it's his turn? He's trying to ma- 
nipulate you into not betting. His hand 
is weak. This tell can be especially prof- 
itable when you have a medium to 
strong hand but aren't sure whether it's 
too risky to wager. Reach for your chips 
while watching your friend out of the 
corner of your eye. If his hand conspicu- 
ously moves toward his chips, he wants 
to prevent your bet. Go ahead and wa- 
ger. Conversely, if your buddy seems un- 
interested, that's a bad sign. 


HOW TO WIN A CALL 


A player never plans on folding when 
a hand begins. He's eager to call. So be- 
fore he throws his losing hand into the 
discards, do something. Anything. Knock 
over your chips, start humming, shift in 
your chair. This may not always work, 
but it's a free shot. If you have the better 
hand, anything you can do to lure your 
buddy into calling is worth the effort. 
Perhaps your apparent apprehension 
will trigger some instinct that says, "Why 
is he squirming? Good thing I noticed. I 
think I'll call and find out." 

Sure, this is sneaky. But poker wouldn't 
be poker if you didn't go after everyone's 
moncy. If you feel bad, you can give all 
your winnings back after you cash out. 


A WORD TO THE WISE 


Don't let your ego get in the way of. 
winning with tells. For example, you 
may be tempted to say to a buddy, “1 
knew you were bluffing." Bad move. 
When you have a friend dead to rights, 
when you're sure he's bluffing, hesitate. 
Pretend to be unsure. If you tip off that 
you recognize a tell, he'll stop displaying 
it. That's also why you shouldn't lend 
this issue of PLAYBOY to friends. 


BASEBALL 2002 


(continued from page 110) 
Wells, who's finally ready. To shore up a 
rotation that could be pretty good, the 
Jays shipped Paul Quantrill and infield- 
er Cesar Izturis to Los Angeles for Luke 
Prokopec. The outfield, with Shannon 
Stewart (.316, 103 runs) and Jose Cruz 
(34 HRs, 32 stolen bases), is first-class 
Rieciardi is rolling the dice with his 
young infield. Alongside Carlos Delgado 
(39 HRs, 102 RBI), the Jays will go with 
Eric Hinske at third (obtained from Oak- 
land via a trade for Billy Koch), 22-year- 
old Felipe Lopez at short and 24-year- 
old Orlando Hudson (.304 in AAA) at 
second. Lopez will be an improvement 
over Alex Gonzalez, who was traded to 
the Cubs for Felix Heredia. New closer 
Kelvim Escobar (third-best AL pitcher 
with runners on base) will even be better 
than Koch. Ricciardi needs help at catch- 
ing (rookie Josh Phelps is probably a 
year away), but this team is hungry and 
can hit. If the infield plays defense, the 
Jays could make noise this season 
Last year it was Vinny Castilla, Fred 
McGriff and Greg Vaughn. But the old 
guys were a bust, and Tampa scored 
a league-worst 672 runs. After a 4-10 
start, Hal McRae replaced manager Lar- 


ry Rothschild and Castilla was released 
on May 10. This year's emphasis is on 
pitching and defense, "heart and hus- 
tle,” as the Devil Rays’ billboards have it. 
"The Rays, the youngest team in the ma- 
jors by season's end, committed 139 er- 
rors (better only than San Diego). The 
pitching was serviceable, considering the 
way last year started. After the All-Star 
break, Tampa had the league's fourth- 
lowest ERA. With Jesus Colome, Victor 
Zambrano and Travis Phelps, the bull- 
pen is well stocked. Left-handers Joe 
Kennedy and Nick Bierbrodt (acquired 
from Arizona for Albie Lopez) anchor. 
the starting staff. Tanyon Sturtze (8-5, 
3.68 in the second half) can shut down 
the best teams. It's hard not to pull for 
the star-crossed Rays. They have tal- 
ent—catcher Toby Hall, 2B Brent Aber- 
nathy, outfielders Carl Crawford and 
josh Hamilton—but they still have to 
face the Yankees, Red Sox and Jays for 
more than a third of their games. The 
Rays have never won 70 games. With the 
threat of contraction hanging over the 
franchise, they may never get the chance. 

After finishing at 63-98 and posting 
their fourth straight losing season, the 
Orioles were expected to be big players 
in the off-season free agent bazaar. But 
it was a quiet winter in Baltimore. Own- 


er Peter Angelos quashed a trade that 
would have brought over Phillies star 
Scott Rolen, and the O's halfheartedly 
pursued Juan Gonzalez, who wound up 
back in Texas. Aside from signing Mar- 
ty Cordova and trading for centerfield- 
er Chris Singleton, Baltimore's biggest 
move was to restore Camden Yards to 
its original dimensions—bringing in the 
fences seven feet. We're not sure how 
much good that will do the Orioles, who 
went 30-50 at home and were outho- 
mered 94-58. Closer fences won't help a 
team that was shut out a league-high 14 
times, held to three runs or less in 68 
games and hit a league-low .248. Even 
with a little pop from Cordova, Tony 
Batista (a smart waiver pickup in June) 
and a healthy David Segui, Baltimore 
still has one of the AUs weakest lineups. 
Things aren't as bleak on the mound, 
where youngsters Jason Johnson, Willis 
Roberts and Josh Towers showed prom- 
ise last season. The first year of the post— 
Ripken era vill be a lean one. Angelos 
believes the O's can contend in 2003, but 
a look at the farm system suggests he 
needs to revise his timetable. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL 


A 14-29 start was too much for the 
White Sox to overcome in their bid to 


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PLAYBOY 


repeat as division champs. Frank Thom- 
as' season-ending injury in late April 
left a hole in the lineup, and 11 pitchers, 
including three starters, came up lame. 
The Pale Hose made strides in the sec- 
ond half, playing even with the Tribe 
and getting good auditions from sever- 
al young hurlers. In his first full sea- 
son, Mark Buchrle notched 16 wins and 
had the league's fourth-best ERA (3.23). 
Buchrle joins Todd Ritchie (37-35 over 
the past three seasons in Pittsburgh) at 
the top of the rotation. Jim Parque will 
be counted on to come back from a bum 
shoulder and establish himself as a reli- 
able starter. Jon Garland and either Dan 
Wright or Gary Glover need to step for- 
ward. Ace closer Keith Foulke (43 saves, 
2.33) heads a bullpen that will be better 
with the return of four relievers (Bobby 
Howry, Antonio Osuna, Lorenzo Barce- 
lo and Kelly Wunsch). If the Big Hurt is 
healthy, the South Siders will put runs 
on the board. Even without Frank, the 
Sox clubbed the second-most homers in 
the AL, and their .268 team batting aver- 
age was the league's fifth-best. Right- 
fielder Magglio Ordonez has emerged as 
one of the game's most productive hit- 
ters. Last season he became the first AL 
batter to record a .300 average, 30 home 
runs, 100 RBI, 40 doubles and 25 sto- 
len bases. Paul Konerko (32 homers, 99 
RBI) is a tough out at first, and leftfield- 
er Carlos Lec is coming into his own. 
Top prospects Joe Crede and Joe Bor- 
chard could case into the lineup by mid- 
season. The Sox may be a year off, but 
they should be good enough to win the 
Central. 

The John Hart era ended when the 
Cleveland Indians blew a 2-1 lead to 
Seattle in the league division series. New 
GM Mark Shapiro gets to clean up 
Hart's mess. Last season the Indians 
seemed bored having to run around the 
bases. This year Shapiro is emphasizing 
pitching and hustle. Many of the chang- 
€s are dictated by budget. In trading 
high-maintenance star Roberto Alomar 
to the Mets for OF Matt Lawton, relief 
pitcher Jerrod Riggan and outfield proj- 
ect Alex Escobar, Cleveland got snook- 
ered. But Shapiro earns points for 
getting younger. The Tribe bullpen, the 
hardest-working relief crew in the AL, 
is one of baseball's deepest. The start- 
ers’ 5.26 ERA sucked. The Tribe will call 
on Ryan Drese (3.44 in 36% innings 
in 2001) and Danys Baez (2.50 in 50% 
bullpen innings) to round out the rota- 
tion behind 21-year-old C.C. Sabathia 
and Bartolo Colon (who threw 3650 
pitches last year, most in the league). Of- 
fensively, the Indians necd a lift from 
human air conditioner Russell Branyan 
(37 homers in 550 career at bats) and 
centerfielder Milton Bradley. If the Tribe 
gets any pitching from Charles Nagy, 
Chuck Finley or Jaret Wright, they again 


148 have a chance for the division title. There 


will likely be more housecleaning—per- 
haps by midseason. Shapiro will be out 
from under most of Hart’s bad contracts 
in 2003, and there's an abundance of. 
pitching in the minors. 

The Twins were baseball's feel-good 
story for much of the 2001 season. De- 
spite having the lowest opening day pay- 
roll in the game, Minnesota got off to a 
20-7 start and stood atop the Central at 
the All-Star break. They faded in the sec- 


Inside Baseball 


Most infield hits in 2001: Ichiro Suzuki (63), 
Juan Pierre (51), Luis Castillo (44), Jason Tyner 
(36), Roberto Alomar (34), Roger Cedeno (34). 


Most RBI with the fewest HRs: Rey Sanchez (37, 
0), Juan Pierre (55, 2), Omar Vizquel (50, 2), 
Luis Castillo (45, 2), Rey Ordonez (44, 3). 


Fewest RBI with the most HRs: Barry Bonds 
(137, 73), Jose Valentin (68, 28), Luis Gonzalez 
(142,57), Sommy Sosa (160, 64). 


Fouled off the most pitches: Todd Helton (509), 
Shannon Stewart (499), Aramis Ramirez (488), 
Manny Romirez (484), Tony Batista (484). 


Best two-strike batters: Juan Pierre (325), Matt 
Lowton (.294), Mark Grace (.294), Todd Helton 
(273), Bret Boone (271), Jason Giambi (271). 


Best hitters with two outs ond runners in scoring 
position: Ichiro Suzuki (.468), Rondell White 
(444), Frank Cotalanotio (396), Moises Alou 
(388), Jason Tyner (385). 


Best 0-2 hitters: Mark Kotsoy (357), David Eck- 
stein (351), Brent Mayne (.348), Mike Lowell 
(343), Tony Womack (.342). 


Most walks with bases loaded: Tony Batista (4). 
Most walks, batting number one in lineup: Rick- 
ey Henderson (76). 


(Dota provided by Stols Inc.) 


ond half but managed a second-place 
finish and their first winning season 
since 1992. The good feelings didn't car- 
ry over, though, as the Twins shared win- 
ter billing with the Expos on Bud Selig’s 
contraction hit list. They were granted a 
stay of execution by the Minnesota Su- 
preme Court, but with no stadium deal 
in sight and an owner in a hurry to cash 
out, the franchise's future looks grim. 
The outlook on the field is a lot better. 


The Twins boast a Gold Glove center- 
fielder (Torii Hunter, 27 homers, 92 
RBI), one of baseball’: infields (led 
by All-Star shortstop Cristian Guzman) 
and a trio of starters (Eric Milton, Brad 
Radke, Joe Mays) who combined for 47 
wins. New manager Ron Gardenhire will 
have to find some help at the bottom of 
the rotation and in the bullpen—he 
could also use more power in the out- 
field—but his tcam should be in conten- 
tion again this season. This could 
the last year for the Twins in the Twin 
ies, so Minnesotans ought to get out 
to the Hump and root for the (for now) 
home team. 

It was a short honeymoon for the De- 
troit Tigers, who drew only 1.9 million 
paying customers in Comerica Park's 
second season. Fans didn't have much to 
cheer for: Visiting teams hit well in Com- 
erica, but the Tigers managed only 58 
homers at home in their eighth straight 
losing season. The team was 17-17 on 
May 12 but went on a 2-12 slide and de- 
cided to spend the rest of the season 
bickering. The Tigers took a beating in 
the uneven schedule. They compiled a 
42-44 record against teams outside the 
AL Central but lost 52 times (against 24 
wins) to teams in their division. Min- 
nesota beat them 15 out of 19 games. 
The Tigers had the fourth-worst offense 
in the AL. First baseman Tony Clark was 
Detroit's lone rep at the 2001 All-Star 
game. Worried about his back (and his 
big contract) and unable to trade him, 
Detroit waived Clark, who was snapped 
up by Boston. The Tigers made out like 
bandits when they sent Juan Encarna- 
cion to Cincinnati for Dmitri Young. The 
tcam anticipates big things from Dean 
Palmer, who missed much of last year 
with an injured shoulder. Manager Phil 
Garner plans to use inexperienced Rob- 
ert Fick (.235 after the All-Star break) in 
right. Twenty-year-old shortstop Omar 
Infante could be a regular this season. 
"The starting staff is iffy, with Jeff Weaver 
(13-16, 4.08) and knuckleballer Steve 
Sparks pulling most of the weight. Nate 
Cornejo pitched well in the minors and. 
will probably help. The bullpen is shaky, 
too, but Matt Anderson has hit his stride 
as a closer. The best thing to happen in 
Detroit was the hiring of Dave Dom- 
browski as team president. He'll put GM 
Randy Smith and Garner on the hot 
seat, and he will revive the Tigers’ fallow 
farm system. 

Go figure the 65-97 Royals. Jermaine 
Dye, Johnny Damon and Rey Sanchez 
were dealt because management said it 
couldn't afford to keep them. The Royals 
even canceled their winter banquet to 
save moncy. So why did Kansas City sign 
33-year-old free agent Chuck Knob- 
lauch (.250 with the Yankees in 2001) 
and 30-year-old Michacl Tucker (.252 
last year, with a career-high 61 RBI)? 
That just takes at bats away from young- 
er players such as Dee Brown and Mark 


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PLAYBOY 


150 


Quinn—or Brandon Berger, who hit 40 
home runs last year in AA Wichita. Why 
give money to "proven veterans" such as 
pitcher Paul Byrd and catcher Brent 
Mayne when you're going nowhere? 
And what exactly does a manager have 
to do to get fired? Going into his sixth 
season Tony Muser has won 309 games 
while losing 416. KC does have decent 
young players. Based on his incredible 
second half, clutch-hitting centerfielder 
Carlos Beltran (24 HRs, 101 RBI, 31 
steals in 32 attempts) is ready for the top. 
shelf. Mike Sweeney hit .304 and had 29 
round-trippers. The pitching should be 
better this year. Workhorse Jeff Suppan 
has pitched 644 innings over the past 
three seasons. Jose Rosado is expected 
back after nearly two years away on sick 
leave. The franchise has a surfeit of 
young arms—Chris George, Kris Wil- 
son, Jeff Austin, Chad Durbin, Dan Reich- 
ert, Mike MacDougal—and the Royals 
have nothing to lose by pitching them 
(last year's staff was the AUs 11th best). 
"Two years ago it looked as if they were 
on the way up, but now the Royals look 


like they're sinking to the bottom of the 
AL Central. 


AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST 


Alex Rodriguez wasn't far off the mark 
last spring when he said, possibly in jest, 
"'The Mariners can win 110 to 115 
games without me." Despite losing fu- 
ture Hall of Famers Randy Johnson, 
Ken Griffey and Rodriguez over the pre- 
vious three years, Seattle won 116 games 
to tie the 1906 Cubs for most wins in a 
season. The Mariners led the AL in hit- 
ting, fielding and pitching—the fourth 
team ever to lead in all three. They al- 
so were tops in stolen bases and on-base 
percentage. On the strength of a 40-12 
start, Lou Piniella's squad led wire to 
wire (only the eighth team ever to do 
so—Lou's 1990 Reds was another). But 
the magic came to an end in eerie Goth- 
am. After struggling to get by Cleveland 
in a tense division series, the Mariners 
were again spooked in the Bronx and 
fell to the Yankees in five games. Ameri- 
can League MVP Ichiro Suzuki and Bret 
Boone keyed the Mariners' banner year. 


“I wanted to do full figure with total frontal nudity, but the damn 
decency commission turned me down.” 


Boone, who led the AL in RBI with 141, 
set league records for RBI and homers 
(37) by a second baseman. Ichiro led the 
league in batting (.350), hits (242, the 
most since Bill Terry in 1930), stolen 
bases (56) and ing with runners in 
scoring Position (449). He was the first 
player since Jackie Robinson to lead the 
majors in hits and stolen bases. Center- 
fielder Mike Cameron came into his own 
with 25 homers and 110 RBI. Jeff Cirillo 
(obtained in a trade for Jose Paniagua) 
will be an upgrade over David Bell at 
third. Aaron Sele has gone to Anaheim, 
but there are plenty of starters left, in- 
cluding Freddy Garcia, Jamie Moyer, 
Paul Abbott, John Halama, Joel Pinciro 
and James Baldwin. Gil Meche (who's 
out until June) and minor leaguers Ryan 
Anderson and Rafael Soriano look ready 
to go. Seattle's great pen will be led by 
Kazuhiro Sasaki (45 saves) with support 
from Diamond Arthur Rhodes (8-0, 1.72 
ERA), Jeff Nelson (2.76) and free agent 
Shigetoshi Hasegawa. GM Pat Gillick has 
figured out that it pays to spread out 
your payroll and not tie up too much in 
any one player. (The Mariners are third 
in the majors in local broadcast revenue, 
so Gillick has a lot of dough to work 
with.) Seattle won't match last year's win 
total, but they'll take the West again. 
Such plays decide a franchise's for- 
tunes. The Yankees, down 2-0 in the 
league division series, held a 1-0 lead 
in game three when the scufiling Athlet- 
ics fought back in the bottom of the sev- 
enth. With two outs and Jcremy Giambi 
on first, Terrence Long doubled to right 
and Giambi was waved home. Shane 
Spencer's throw missed the cutoff men, 
but Derek Jeter—in the right spot to 
cover the overthrow—made a backhand- 
ed flip to the plate, where Jorge Posada 
tagged a surprised Giambi. End of ral- 
ly, start of Yankees comeback. Giambi's 
decision not to slide may turn out to be 
a defining moment for baseball in the 
East Bay. The A's lost 18 of their first 26 
games, and many figured their cause 
was lost. But Billy Beane, the best gener- 
al manager in the game, stuck with free 
agent Jason Giambi and picked up Jer- 
maine Dye from the Royals in July. Dye 
responded with 59 RBI in 61 games, and 
the team went 58-17 after the break, the 
best second half since the 1954 Indians. 
The A's will again be back in the post 
son. There's enormous talent, despite 
the departures of Jason Giambi, Johnny 
Damon and closer Jason Isringhausen. 
With Tim Hudson (3.37), Mark Mulder 
(3.45), Barry Zito (2.29 and 11-2 in the 
second half) and surprising Cory Lidle 
(13-6, 3.59), Oakland starters had the 
best ERA in the league. Billy Koch comes 
from Toronto to replace Isringhausen. 
Beane made a great trade with Texas to 
pick up highly touted first baseman Car- 
los Pena. Along with David Justice, Pe- 
na will do a creditable job in Giambi's 


absence. Terrence Long, Eric Chavez 
(32 HRs, 114 RBI—the best year ever by 
an Oakland third baseman), catcher Ra- 
mon Hernandez and shortstop Miguel 
-jada (31 HRs) will provide the lumber. 
Will Oakland hitters look like stiffs when 
they play New York again? 

"The Anaheim Angels dropped 19 of 
their last 21 and finished a franchise- 
worst 41 games out of first. It was a de- 
cent season, nevertheless—that's life in 
the AL West. But the Angels’ off-season 
was more interesting. As always, there 
were mixed messages from the suits at 
Disney. A rebuilding trade that would 
have sent Darin Erstad to the White Sox 
was nixed by upper management. Then. 
the front office committed $24 million to 
add Aaron Sele (69-35 over the past four 
seasons) to the rotation and shipped dis- 
gruntled Mo Vaughn back East to the 
Mets for Kevin Appier. Is Disney playing 
10 win or is this window dressing for the 
long-rumored sale? The addition of Sele 
and Appier gives Anaheim one of the 
AUs best rotations. With Ramon Ortiz 
(13-10), Jarrod Washburn (11-10) and 
Scott Schoeneweis (10-11), the Angels 
have five starters who each worked at 
least 193 innings last season. Closer Troy 
Percival—who had his issues with the 
front office—signed a two-year exten- 
sion. The pen vill be lighter without Shi- 
getoshi Hasegawa and Mike Holtz, but 
Al Levine (2.38 in 75% innings) and Ben 
Weber (3.42 in 68% innings) should fill 
their shoes. The question is whether the 
Angels can score runs. Troy Glaus (41 
HRs, 108 RBI) and Garret Anderson 
(194 hits, 123 RBI) were the only consis- 
tent hitters in Anaheim last year. Brad 
Fullmer, acquired from Toronto, should 
help at the DH (a weak spot for the An- 
gels, who used 15 players to hit a com- 
bined .212 with 56 RBI). If Anaheim 
gets comeback seasons from Tim Salmon 
and Erstad, they could make a run at the 
wild card. 

Last spring, the Rangers talked about 
winning the pennant. Newcomers Alex 
Rodriguez, Andres Galarraga and Ken 
Caminiti would allow them to bludgeon 
the opposition. Texas scored 890 runs 
and hit 246 homers, but had the worst 
pitching in all of baseball and ended 
up 73-89, good for last place in the AL 
West. The Rangers won two more games 
with Rodriguez than without him. The 
Rangers led, at one point, in 53 of their 
89 losses. So new GM John Hart went 
shopping with Tom Hicks' money. In 
addition to bringing in a few more hit- 
ters, Hart loaded up on relievers, sign- 
ing Todd Van Poppel, Jay Powell, Steve 
Woodard, Dan Miceli, Rudy Seanez and 
Hector Carrasco to fill seats in the bull- 
pen. The big haul was Chan Ho Park, 
who inked a five-year $65 million con- 
tract to become the ace. One possible 
glitch: Over the past five years, Park had 
a 4.66 ERA away from Dodger Stadium. 


He'll join Kenny Rogers (6.19), Doug 
Davis, Ismael Valdes, Hideki Irabu, 
Dave Burba (6.21 with Cleveland) and 
Mario Ramos (who came from the A's 
in the odd trade for Carlos Pena) in 
the starting rotation. John Rocker, who 
brings his circus act from Cleveland, will 
push Jeff Zimmerman (28 saves in 31 
chances). The Rangers won't struggle to 
score runs. Alex Rodriguez, coming off 
the best year ever by a shortstop (318, 
52 HRs, 201 hits), will be supported by a 
better crew. Rafael Palmeiro (47 home 
runs) has hit at least 38 homers for the 
past seven seasons. A surprisingly weak 
outfield (10th in the AL in RBI) will be 
strengthened by the arrival of Juan Gon- 
zalez (.325, 140 RBI) and Carl Everett. 
But catcher Ivan Rodriguez, who'll be a 
free agent after this year, could be on the 
way out. If Hart finds enough pitching— 
and if Jerry Narron can keep this frac- 
tious bunch together—the Rangers may 
break even. But they're at least a year 
away from making a run in the West. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST 


The Braves were lucky to get to the 
league championship series last year. 
They won only 88 games and had to 
fight the Phillies right until the end. De- 
spite a losing record at home, and an 
offense that outscored only three NL 
teams, Atlanta won its 10th straight di 
sional title. They beat Larry Dierker's 
Astros in the league division series but. 
fell apart in a pivotal fourth game of the 
LCS against Arizona, giving up six un- 
earned runs on four errors. Attendance 
was off again, and even Jimmy Carter 
doesn't do the tomahawk chop the way 
he used to. But as long as the Braves 
have Maddux and Glavine, they keep. 
winning. The Braves' starters, who com- 
bined for a 3.54 ERA, were again the 
NLs best. (The Braves have allowed the 
fewest runs in the league for 10 straight 
years.) Glavine was 16-7 with a 3.57 
ERA. Maddux (17-11, 3.05) hasn't had 
an ERA above 3.57 since the Dow was 
below 2000. He has won at least 15 
games in 14 consecutive seasons—a feat 
equaled only by Cy Young. The pen was 
second best in the NL last season, but it 
will be better now with John Smoltz (10 
saves in 11 opportunities, 1.59) in for a 
full year as closer. With John Burkett 
back in the American League and with 
Kevin Millwood's career on the rocks 
(he was 18-7, 2.68 in 1999; 7-7, 4.31 
in 2001), the starting stafT could be thin. 
But free agent Albie Lopez will get the 
Leo Mazzone treatment and Jason Mar- 
quis (2.69 in 11 postbreak starts) looks 
ready. As usual, there are a boatload of 
hurlers (Tim Spooneybarger, Damian 
Moss, Billy Sylvester) coming from the 
minors. Gary Sheffield will definitely en- 
ergize the offense. Shef, who hasn't had 
an on-base percentage under .400 since 
1994, should slug .600 in Atlanta. He'll 


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PLAYBOY 


make up one third of the game's most 
potent outfield. (With 34-year-old Vin- 
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A TALK WITH BILL JAMES 


Someday, Bill James will be 
in the Holl of Fame. By putting 
stots info a meaningful context, 
he hos hod o profound influence 
on how boseboll is viewed and 
played. He combines clear, no- 
nonsense writing (and dry wil) 
with on astute sense of history. 
In the post few months, James 
hos published two books. The 
New Bill James Historical Boseboll 
Abstract (Free Press) is the long-cwoited revision of 
his 1985 classic. Win Shores (Stats, Inc) is an ombi- 
tious work that attempts to define o ployer's value 
to o teom. It will change how we compare perfor- 
montes in different eros. Both books ore essential 
for ony fon. Jomes answered o few questions for us. 

Who do you think is the most underroted 
guy in each league? 

Croig Biggio of Houston hos outplayed and out- 
produced Ken Griffey Jr. almost every seoson of his 
coreer. Griffey hits more home runs thon Biggio ond 
drives in more runs—and Biggio does everything 
else better. In the American League I'd say Miguel 
Tejodo. In ordinary times he'd be the All-Star short- 
stop, but the league hos three superstar shartstops, 
so nobody notices him. 

What two rule changes would you make? 
One: Eliminate 99 percent of the pitchi 
changes in the middle of the inning. Strategy, my 
oss. Strategy is when you have to make hard choic- 
es, not when you get to change your mind with 
every batter. Let the game move. I'd hove o rule. 
thot when o pitcher takes the mound, he stays in the 
gome until he is charged with o run. Some people 
favor o rule thot he hos to face o! least three bot- 
ters. Thot doesn't really motter. What matters is get- 
ting rid of repetitious stop-oction pitching changes 
thot hove holf the entertainment value of o dentist 
‘appointment. Two: Stop calling time out after the 
botter gets in the box. Same reason. Watching a hit- 
ter step out of the box repeatedly is just not pre- 

ferred entertainment. 

Can baseball survive—let olone flour- 
ish—without increased revenue sharing? 

ing, in thot it relies on the gen- 

won't work. What baseball has to 
hove, eventually, is revenue restructuring. Suppose 
you were in a fantasy league where you got $20 to 
buy ployers, but some other guys got $50, $70, 
$100. Would you agree to ploy in o league like that? 
Of course you wouldn't, unless Jenny McCarthy were 
in the league or something. Would you think you 
were smart enough thot you could win the league 
‘anyway? Of course not. If you were smart enough to 


lik 
EI 


pm 


] win with half the money some- 
body else wos spending, you'd be 
smort enough to find о league 
with foir rules. The economic 
structure of boseboll, if not cor- 
rected, will ultimately cripple the 

в. existing leagues, causing them fo 
| be pushed aside by new leagues. 
But in no way do | blame George 
Steinbrenner or Ted Turner for 
this situation, Turner ond Stein- 
brenner ore doing what you or | would do in their 
бис. It's the small-market owners, in Kansas City 
ond Ooklond ond Pittsburgh ond Cleveland, who 
ultimately hove to stand up, dump Bud Selig in the 
Eost River ond tell the rich teams to renegotiate or 
somebody else to play ball with. 

Which stats ore best ignored and which 
should be given more emphasis? 

Well, batting averages still fool o lot of people. 
You know which team had the highest batting aver- 
age in baseball last year? Colorado, ond they lost 89 
gomes. You con hit 320 ond be o lousy player; you 
con hit .240 and be o very good player. Better things 
fo focus on ore on-bose percentage and slugging 
percentage. And the reason that's true is no team 
con win consistently by just hitting singles. A lot of 
runs—more than holf—result from walks, ond 
from power. On-bose percentage and slugging per- 
centage focus on walks and power. Another averrot- 
ed stat is saves. Announcers love to tell you that, in 
modern baseball, you can't win a pennant without o. 
quolity closer. Only every yeor, somebody does. 

Will baseball ever work in Montreal? 

It could. Only in sporis do we blame the con- 
sumers if the product stinks. The lesson of Olympic 
Stadium isn't “baseball won't work in Montreal.” 
It’s “never let o French architect design o bose- 
boll pork.” 

Does the game of boseboll have a demo- 
graphic problem? 

Properly stoged, boseboll is fun to play ond fun. 
to watch. An awful lot of young people don't know 
this, becouse the game hos been badly staged for a 
long time. Baseball will survive in other ploces— 


Japon, Cubo, Latin Americo—even if the American 


and National leogues do on Enron on us. And, be- 
couse it would survive in other places, it would 
eventually come bock in Americo. 

Who's your favorite owner? 

Gussie Busch, | guess. A cranky, eccentric old 
bostord who bolonced his love of the game against 
a strong distaste for wasting money. Now they're all 
corporations. The best owners love baseball. Corpo- 
тойоп love money. 


Rafael Furcal back from injury and Mar- 
cus Giles vying for time with 20-year-old 
shortstop Wilson Betemit and Mark 
DeRosa. Look for Atlanta to make it 11 
straight. 

The Mets were a shell of their former 
selves last season. A year after making it 
to the World Series, they barely broke 
even, slipping to third place in the NL 
East with an 82-80 record. The prob- 
lem? An anemic offense that hit .249 and 
scored the fewest runs of any outfit in 
baseball. General manager Steve Phillips 
got busy and overhauled the lineup, 
adding a dozen new players. The big 
prize is Roberto Alomar, perhaps the 
best second baseman of his era, who 
came over from Cleveland at surpris- 
ingly little cost. The biggest risk is Mo 
Vaughn, who missed last season with a 
torn biceps tendon. Free agent Roger Ce- 
deno and Jeromy Burnitz (acquired as 
part of an 11-player, three-team trade) 
return to Flushing to patrol the outfield. 
Manager Bobby Valentine calls this the 
best-hitting team the Mets have ever 
had. But the 2002 mound corps won't be 
the team’s best ever. Beyond Al Leiter, 
there are questions about the durability 
of new starters Jeff D'Amico (12-7 with a 
2.66 ERA in 2000), Shawn Estes and Pe- 
dro Astacio, Leiter and Mike Piazza show 
signs of wear, and Edgardo Alfonzo's 
back bothered him last season (.243, 49 
RBI). If the players stay healthy—and 
that's a big ifthe Metropolitans could 
upset the Braves. 

On the strength of a 21-game 
around, the long-floundering Ph 
nearly went from worst to first. They 
settled for second place and their first 
winning season since 1993. This raises 
hopes along the Schuylkill, but the Phils 
will have a hard time keeping up with 
the Mets and Braves in 2002. Gener- 
al manager Ed Wade wasn't able to do 
much to improve the team over the win- 
ter. He tried to get pitchers John Smoltz 
and Aaron Sele, but had to settle for Ter- 
ry Adams, a career reliever who had suc- 
cess as a starter in Los Angeles. If he's 
healthy, Adams will pitch behind Rob- 
ert Person (15-7, 4.19) and Randy Wolf. 
Brandon Duckworth and either David 
Coggin or Nelson Figueroa fill out a 
pretty good starting five. The bullpen, 
an embarrassment in 2000 when it lost 
37 games with a league-high 5.72 ERA, 
was a strength in 2001. Jose Mesa (2.34) 
converted 42 of 46 save opportunities 
and allowed only four homers in 69% in- 
nings. Students of Mesa's game may 
question his ability to repeat such a per- 
formance. The lineup gets a boost vith 
the return of catcher Mike Lieberthal, 
who missed most of last season after tear- 
ing up his knee. The Philadelphia of- 
fense blends speed and power, with Scott 
Rolen (25 HRs, 107 RBI), Pat Burrell 
(27 HRs, 89 RBI), Bobby Abreu (31 
HRs, 110 RBI, 36 SBs) and Travis Lee 
providing the clout, and All-Star short- 


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stop Jimmy Rollins (46 SBs) and second 
sacker Marlon Anderson lighting up the 
basepaths. There's more talent in the 
minors—watch out for Marlon Byrd 
(316, 28 HRs in AA), who will eventual- 
ly take centerfield away from Doug Glan- 
ville. This season will make or break 
2001 Manager of the Year Larry Bowa. 
If frec-agent-in-waiting Rolen is traded, 
the Phillies won't be able to play with the 
big boys. But if he signs or stays the year, 
Philadelphia could win the wild card. 

Thanks mostly to impressive years 
from Cliff Floyd (31 HRs, 123 runs) and 
Kevin Millar (.931 OPS), the Marlins 
scored a franchise record 742 runs last 
season. And Florida has the best young 
starting rotation (Brad Penny, Ryan 
Dempster, A.J. Burnett, Matt Clement 
and Josh Beckett) since the 1969 Mets. 
That's the good news in Miami. Atten- 
dance was abysmal, second worst in the. 
majors. Players groused and threw tan- 
trums for most of the year. A 9-20 
gust killed any hope of respectability. 
But virtually nothing could be done over 
the off-season because no one was sure 
who owned the team. Team owner John 
Henry, who bought into the Red Sox 
franchise, sold the Marlins to ex-Expos 
owner Jeffrey Loria, the miracle worker 
of Montreal. A month before spring 
training, Marlins employees were told to 
look elsewhere for work because Loria 
was bringing his staff with him from 
Canada. It may be unfair to expect new 
manager Jeff Torborg and GM Larry 
Beinfest to do much more than learn 
the names of their players, but the Mar- 
lins might surprise us this season. 

The Expos will walk the plank after 
this season. Already a ghost team, they 
have no owner, no management, no 
coaches and no future (except, perhaps, 
in Washington). Last year, attendance 
was only 642,743; the AA team in Round 
Rock, Texas drew more fans. Baseball 
could have worked in Quebec. The team 
had 2.3 million customers in 1983 but 
ran into terrible luck. 1f not for Rick 
Monday's ninth-inning homer off Steve 
Rogers in game five of 1981's NLCS— 
and if not for the strike that ruined 1994, 
when the Expos (at 74-40) were the best 
team in baseball —French baseball would 
have a future. Inept ownership hasn't 
helped. Claude Brochu and Jeffrey Lo- 
ria finished off any chance this franchise 
may have had. If Bud Selig wanted to 
save the Expos, he'd move them to New 
Jersey. Failing that, he'd swap them to 
the AL East, where they would play 28 
home games with the Red Sox, Blue Jays 
and Yankees. But no one is interested in 
saving Montreal baseball. In preparation 
for their final run at the NL pennant, 
the Expos picked up pitcher Ed Vosberg, 
outfielders Lyle Mouton and Glen Bark- 
er and bon vivant Jose Canseco. Manag- 
er Frank Robinson will have an interest- 
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NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL 


The Cardinals kicked into high gear 
in the second half but came up short 
against the Astros on the final day of the 
season. That dropped the Redbirds into 
the wild card slot and sent them on the 
road to Arizona, where they ran into he- 
man Curt Schilling. The Diamondbacks" 
right-handed acc held the Cards to onc 
run over 18 innings and bested Matt 
Morris in two classic pitching duels. 
Look for the Cards to go further in the 
postseason this year. They'll make do 
without Mark McGwire, who turned 
down a $30 million contract extension 
after struggling all year with a bum 
knee. Big Mac will be missed in St. Lou- 
is, but ex-Yank Tino Martinez should be 
a more than adequate replacement at 
first. He'll complement a powerful line- 
up that's led by outfielders J.D. Drew 
(-323, 27 homers) and Jim Edmonds 
(.304, 30 homers, 110 RBI) and Rookie 
of the Year third baseman Albert Pujols 
(-329, 37 homers, 130 RBI). St. Louis 
starters combined for a league-high 75 
wins and the NL's third-best ERA (3.97). 
The Cards boast two frontline stoppers, 
Matt Morris (22-8, 3.16) and Darryl Kile 
(16-11, 3.09), as well as a good support- 
ing cast. If Woody Williams and Bud 
Smith pitch as well this year as they did 
in the second half of last season and Rick 
Ankiel regains his control, the Cardinals 
will casily have the league's best rotation. 
Relief pitching, a weakness last year, was 
tightened up with the addition of free 
agent signee Jason Isringhausen, who'll 
take over the closer spot and allow man- 
ager Tony La Russa to make better use 
of durable lefty Steve Kline. The Cards 
look to be the class of the league and 
have a good shot at their first World Se- 
ries since 1987. 

“It's a recurring theme, or nightmare, 
isn't it? We didn't come up with the big 
hits, but you've heard that story before.” 
That was Jeff Bagwell’s comment after 
the Astros were swept by the Braves in 
the first round of the playoffs. Houston, 
which has taken the Central four of the 
past five seasons, hasn't won a postsea- 
son series in its 40-year history. In seven 
series, the Stros have hit .203 and scored 
2.6 runs a game. Like it or not, the As- 
tros could be back for another postsea- 
son. Houston boasts a talented core of 
young arms headed by Wade Miller 
(16-8, 3.40) and Rookie of the Year run- 
ner-up Roy Oswalt (14-3, 2.73). Vets 
Shane Reynolds and Dave Mlicki aren't 
bad. Chris Redding or Carlos Hernan- 
dez—both of whom impressed as rook- 
ies—will get a chance in the starting ro- 
tation. The pen features ace closer Billy 
Wagner and setup man Octavio Dotel, 
who led major league relievers with 198 
strikeouts (in only 84 innings). Even 
without Moises Alou, Houston's outfield 
remains deadly. The newest Killer B, 
154 Lance Berkman (.331, 31 homers, 126 


PLAYBOY 


RBI), led the majors with 55 doubles 
and is a legitimate MVP candidate. The 
team counts on Richard Hidalgo to re- 
bound from a season in which his num- 
bers dropped (.314 to .275 and 44 hom- 
ers to 19), and Daryle Ward finally gets a 
shot in left. On the left side of the infield, 
rookie Morgan Ensberg could stick at 
third and slick-fielding Adam Everett is a 
good bet to take over at short alongside 
Craig Biggio. Maybe all those Enron 
signs can be sold on eBay. 

Jumping out of the gate with a 15-9 
April, the Cubs raced to a 23-game im- 
provement in 2001, the second-best in 
baseball. But they faded down the stretch. 
Led by 20-game winner Jon Lieber, Ker- 
ry Wood, Jason Bere and 23-year-old 
Juan Cruz, the Cubs' starting staff was 
fifth-best in the league. The bullpen was 
the North Siders' secret weapon, with 
Tom Gordon, Kyle Farnsworth (107 
strikeouts in 82 innings) and Jeff Fassero 


Bill James’ 
All-Defense Team 


Mike Mussina P. 

Hondles everything well except people. 
Pudge Rodriguez C 

Duh. 
Todd Helton 1B 

He's no Keith Hernandez, but nobody is. 
Fernando Vina 2B 

Quicker pivot and more hustle thon Alomor. 
Scott Rolen 3B 

‘Sometimes he's good, sometimes he's sensational. 
Orlando Cabrera SS 

He's better thon Omor Vizquel was 10 years ago. 
Andruw Jones OF 

The best defensive outfielder who ever lived. 
Torii Hunter OF 

The mon most responsible for the Twins’ good 

2001 seoson. 
Mike Cameron OF 

The Mariners have two great outfielders— 

Cameron ond Ichiro. 


fronting a staff augmented this year by 
lefty Jesus Sanchez (acquired from Flori- 
da) and rookie right-hander Scott Chias- 
son. With 160 RBI—the third-highest 
total in league history—Sammy Sosa 
drove in 94 more runs than any of his 
teammates. He's become the most pro- 
ductive hitter in baseball in a park that 
abuses hitters. Sammy was walked in- 
tentionally 37 times, which may have 
stemmed from manager Don Baylor's 
predilection for small ball. (The Cubs led. 
the majors in sacrifice bunts.) Free agent 
signee Moises Alou (.331, 27 HRs, 108 
RBI in Houston) takes pressure off Sosa. 
Fred McGriff (who hit .282 with 12 HRs 
in 49 games with Chicago) will help, al- 
though Wrigley is a brutal park for left- 
ies. With Eric Young and Ricky Gutier- 
rez lost to free agency, the Cubs have a 
new double-play combo this season. Alex 
Gonzalez, brought over from Toronto, 


will field the ball well at short, and either 
Delino DeShields or rookie Bobby Hill 
will lead off and play second. Reinforce- 
ments are on the way. Watch for USC 
right-hander Mark Prior (the second 
pick in the 2001 draft) and Carlos Zam- 
brano (10-5, 3.88 in AAA Towa) to be in 
the bigs by July. The Cubs probably 
won't win the division this year, but with 
their farm system, they'll be a force by 
2003. Look for Chicago's first back-to- 
back winning seasons since Ron Santo. 
was at third. 

In 1999 the Reds finished 96-67; last 
year, at 66-96, they were the low-ı 
team of the NL Central. Since Ken Grif- 
fey Jr. joined the Reds, the team has 
been 22 games under .500. With Ciner- 
gy Field torn up for construction of a 
new stadium, attendance was way down. 
The team responded with an MLB- 
worst 27-54 home record. If it wasn't 
terrible defense (third-worst in the ma- 
jors), it was immature pitchers, inju- 
ries (to Aaron Boone, Griffey and Barry 
Larkin) or front-office bungling (see 
Deion Sanders or Justin Atchley). The 
off-season was barely better. Forced to 
unload Dmitri Young because the team 
couldn't afford to go through arbitra- 
tion, the Reds got chronic underachiev- 
er Juan Encarnacion from the Tigers. 
Starting pitchers averaged only 5% in- 
nings last year (worst in the NL) and put 
astrain on the league's best pen. GM Jim 
Bowden rounded up bargain-basement 
pitching—Brian Bohanon, Jose Silva, 
Brandon Kolb, Jimmy Haynes—to keep 
fans interested until Great American 
Ball Park opens in 2003. By then he 
hopes to have lefty Ty Howington ready 
and Scott Williamson and Seth Etherton 
all the way back from shoulder surgeries. 
Cincinnati is loaded with prospects in 
the outfield. Adam Dunn hit 19 homers 
in 244 at bats in the bigs last ycar and 
could hit 35 homers and drive in 100 
this year. Austin Kearns (who hit .371 in 
the Arizona Fall League), Ruben Mateo 
and 20-ycar-old Wily Mo Pena may be 
just as good. There's even more hitting 
at AA. If Bowden figures out a way to 
keep Danny Graves and Aaron Boone 
while the hitting matures, the Reds can 
elbow their way into the Central race 
next year. 

Bad luck is often the residue of bad 
design. Pittsburgh general manager Cam 
Bonifay planned to rely on the surgically 
repaired arms of Francisco Cordova and 
Jason Schmidt when the Pirates inaugu- 
rated PNC Park last season. But neither 
Schmidt nor Cordova made it out of 
Bradenton. Ace-in-waiting Kris Benson 
tore up his elbow. The Bucs lost three 
starting pitchers in spring training and a 
fourth in the second game of the year. 
Eleven starting pitchers failed to do the 
job. It was a bad, unlucky year, and Boni- 
fay lost hisjobin June. With the second- 
worst ERA in the NL, Pitt pitching was 
pathetic. And the hitting was a joke. The. 


Pirates essentially fielded a three-man 
offense: Brian Giles (.309, 37 HRs), fu- 
ture All-Star Aramis Ramirez (.300, 34 
HRs) and Jason Kendall (.266, 10 HRs) 
After losing 100 games in their ninth 
straight losing scason, the Pirates decid- 
ed to raise ticket prices this season. That 
will help pay for bloated contracts with 
Kevin Young, Pat Meares and Derek 
Bell, but it won't win new fans, Elbow re- 
hab will keep Benson out until June. 
New general manager Dave Littlefield 
may entertain offers for Giles and Ken- 
dall. He made a great trade in December 
when he sent Todd Ritchie (11-15, 4.47) 
to the White Sox for pitchers Kip Wells, 
Sean Lowe and Josh Fogg. Arman- 
do Rios, Craig Wil- 
son and free agent 
signee Pokey Reese 
should improve the 
offense. With good 
luck, the Bucs could 
win 75 this year. 
The Milwaukee 
Brewers were the 
senior circuit's worst 
team following the 
ar break. They 
finished the season 
68-94 for their 
ninth straight losing 
year—and their 
worst record since 
the days of Jim 
Gantner and Moose 
Haas. There was 
plenty of blame to 
go around. The 
Beertown Whiff- 
meisters set a major 
league record for 
strikeouts (1399) 
They were the first 
team in history to 
amass more strike- 
outs than hits. It’ 
OK today to swing 
at a 3-0 pitch, or to 
hurt yourself swing- 
ing too hard at a 
two-strike curveball. 
But Milwaukee's 
feast-or-famine ap- 
proach did not serve them well. They 
were third in the league in homers but 
11th in runs scored—and the team's .319 
on-base percentage was the №5 second 
worst. Onc of the free swingers, Richie 
Sexson, blossomed into a big-time power 
hitter with 45 homers (he hit .293 in the 
second half). Geoff Jenkins slugged 20 
HRs and had 63 RBI in 105 games. In 
trading away Jeromy Burnitz to the 
Mets, the team lost a player who had hit 
163 homers and had driven in 511 runs 
over the past five years. But the Brewers 
say the trade enabled them to sign free 
agent second baseman Eric Young and 
pick up Alex Ochoa. Milwaukee had the. 
league's sixth-worst ERA, but the start- 
ing pitching is intriguing, especially with 


" 
Add $4.00 shipping and handling charge por total ordar. Minois 
rosidonts add 6.75% sales tax. (Canadian orders accaplad.) 


new pitching coach Dave Stewart. Ben 
Sheets (10-5, 3.59 in his first 16 starts), 
Ruben Quevedo, Nick Neugebauer (who 
is coming off shoulder surgery) and 
Glendon Rusch (who pitched better than 
his record shows for the Mets) offer hope 
for the future. In the meantime the 
Brewers might be better off with manag- 
er Davey Lopes and coaches Dave Stew- 
art, Gary Matthews and Dave Collins 
ing on the field. The highlight for 
ilwaukeeans this summer will be the 
All-Star game. 


NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST. 


The Giants won 90 games and fin- 
ished two games off the pace. But the 


From PLAYBOY Home Video 
Roommates vis or pvp 
h If 


° Rip N Miss 
* Jami Ferrell, Mi 
* Miriam Gonzalez, M 


Shannon Stewart, M 


Alia avian: Š 


Most major credit cards accepted. 


(ii es 2 


= 


season belonged to Barry Bonds, who 
may have had the best offensive season 
ever. In addition to hitting 73 homers, 
he set other records, with 177 walks (sur- 
passing Babe Ruth's 1923 mark) and 
an .863 slugging percentage (breaking 
Ruth's 1920 standard). Bonds reached 
base 343 times and twice homered in 
six consecutive games. His .515 on-base 
percentage was the best in the National 
League in the modern era, He slugged 
an unbelievable .910 against right-hand- 
ers. And he did it during a pennant race. 
When Larry Dierker told his Astros 
pitchers to stay away from Bonds in Oc- 
tober, Barry refused to swing at bad 
pitches. Most amazing of all, he hit 37 
homers in Pac Bell Park, the toughest 


a 
* Jennifer Rovero, Mis Jui 1 
Nefertari Shepherd M 


park in the majors for a left-hander to 
homer in. In January, general manag- 
er Brian Sabean re-signed Bonds—who 
may be the best leftfielder of all time—to 
a five-year contract. San Francisco had 
two problem areas last year: right field 
(where Eric Davis and Shawon Dunston 
were too old) and third base (where Russ 
Davis and Pedro Feliz couldn't cut it). So 
Sabean traded Shawn Estes to the Mets 
for Tsuyoshi Shinjo and Desi Relaford, 
then swapped Relaford to the Mariners 
for third baseman David Bell. He signed 
Reggie Sanders (coming offa career- 
high 33 homers in Arizona) to play right 
Shortstop Rich Aurilia had a magnifi- 
cent season, hitting .324 with 37 hom- 
ers, 97 ribbies and 
a league-high 206 
hits. Aurilia and Jeff 
Kent are a muscular 
keystone combo. Li- 
van Hernandez was 
supposed to be top 
dog on the staff, but 
he went 13-15. And 
Russ Ortiz (17-9, 
3.29) had a career 
ycar. Kirk Rueter 
(14-12), Jason 
Schmidt (7-1, 3.39 
in SF) and either 
Jay Witasick or Kurt 
Ainsworth fill a 
deep rotation. Clos- 
er Robb Nen strug- 
gled in May and 
June but still con- 
verted 45 of 52 save 
opportunities. Felix 
Rodriguez (9-1, 
1.68, 32 holds) is 
the best setup man 
in the game. Un 
like other teams, the 
Giants have to pay 
millions each year 
for their mortgage 
on privately funded 
Pac Bell Park, which 
obviously cuts into 
money available for 
free agents. But this 
season the division 
could belong to San Francisco. 

The Diamondbacks' go-for-broke 
strategy paid off last year. In just their 
fourth season, Arizona won the World 
Series in an epic seven-game matchup 
against the Yankees. Twin aces Curt 
Schilling (22-6, 2.98) and Cy Young win- 
ner Randy Johnson (21-6, 2.49, 372 
strikeouts) were first and second in the 
National League in innings pitched. The 
pair put together a 9-1 record in the 
postseason, with an ERA of 1.31 in 89% 
innings. Arizona had the №5 best de- 
fense and a strong bench (led by David 
Dellucci and Erubiel Durazo) that tied a 
major league record with 14 pinch-hit 
home runs. Bob Brenly won't win the 
Cap Anson award for smartest manager 155 


PLAYBOY 


156 


in baseball. Byung-Hyun Kim, the kid 
reliever who threw 98 innings during 
the 2001 regular season, had a 61-pitch 
outing in the World Series. And Brenly 
hauled him back out to pitch the next 
night. (Kim blew both games.) But Bren- 
ly knows how to motivate the old dudes. 
Luis Gonzalez, 34, had a career year, hit- 
ung .325 with 57 homers and 142 RBI. 
Mark Grace (38), Steve Finley (37) and 
Matt Williams (36) also had better-than- 
expected seasons. But Arizona will have 
a tough time repeating. Reggie Sanders 
went to Frisco, opening right field for 
Series hero Danny Bautista. General 
manager Joe Garagiola Jr. signed Rick 
Helling in the off-season to be his third 
starter, but Helling allowed an AL-high 
256 hits, 124 earned runs and 38 hom- 
ers with Texas last year. The franchise 
is overextended and the future doesn't 
look hot. Attendance fell for the third 
straight year. Arizona has plenty of old 
players and a weak farm system that 
doesn't ofler much. Then there is the 
$120 million in deferred salaries that 
have to be paid in the next few years. 
Maybe Jerry Colangelo succeeded in es- 
tablishing baseball in the desert, but the 
day will come when he'll have to reckon 
up. The D-backs finished only two games 
ahead of the Giants last year, and the Gi- 
ants have improved since then. But you 
can't count out any team that has both 
Johnson and Schilling. 

Strange to say, but the Dodgers over- 
achieved in 2001. With Kevin Brown (19 
starts), Andy Ashby (two starts) and Dar- 
ren Dreifort (16 starts) ailing for much 
of the year, the team with the major 
league's third-highest payroll struggled 
to finish at 86—76, six games behind Ari- 
zona. The team showed moxie in do- 
ing so, but changes had to be madc. In 
January the Dodgers traded Gary Shef- 
field to the Braves for Brian Jordan 


and pitcher Odalis Perez. In 526 games 
with Los Angeles, Sheffield hit .312 and 
drove in 367 runs. When he's healthy, 
35-year-old Jordan is a gamer, but he 
won't hit like Sheffield. With eight start- 
ing pitchers this season—Ashby and 
Brown (both coming off elbow surgery), 
28-year-old left-hander Kazuhisa Ishii 
(“the Japanese Randy Johnson"), Omar 
Daal, Eric Gagne, Perez, Hideo Nomo 
and Terry Mulholland—GM Dan Evans 
probably has a few deals up his sleeve. 
Since the team didn't pick up Jeff Shaw's 
option, the Dodgers need a closer. Matt 
Herges may be a stopgap. And with 
the second-worst pen in the National 
League, LA could use a few more guys in 
middle and long relief. (Paul Quanuill, 
who was acquired from Toronto for Luke. 
Prokopec, will help.) Beyond a few big 
bats, there isn't a lot of slugging. Last 
year's surprise was Paul Lo Duca, a 30- 
year-old catcher-infielder who posted 
a .320 average with 25 homers, Shawn 
Green hit 49 home runs and drove in 
125. Third baseman Adrian Beltre ought 
to bounce back from a year in which he 
had two abdominal surgeries. Jim Tracy 
is a very good manager. But he'll have 
to pull a rabbit out of his hat to get the 
Dodgers to the postseason. 

General manager Kevin Towers has 
done a smooth job in rebuilding the 
Padres, stockpiling pitchers in the fash- 
ion of the Oakland A's. Towers picked up 
Brett Tomko from Seattle to go along 
with Kevin Jarvis, Brian Lawrence and 
Brian Tollberg. The Friars lost promis- 
ing pitchers Adam Eaton and Kevin 
Walker for at least half the year with in- 
juries, but there are still plenty of suit- 
able candidates. Dennis Tankersley, Jake 
Peavy, Jason Middlebrook, Ben Howard 
and Mark Phillips could be heard from 
this year. The pen is also on the upswing. 
“Trevor Hoffman remains one of the top 


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closers in the game. Jeremy Fikac (1.37 
in 23 appearances) held hitters to a .165 
batting average. The Pads don't get a lot 
of hits or home runs, but they led the 
majors in walks. The defense was again 
the worst in the majors, but will be im- 
proved by the move of Phil Nevin (.306, 
41 homers, 126 RBI) from third to first. 
Rookie of the Year candidate Sean Bur- 
roughs takes over at third and Ryan 
Klesko will move to right. Mark Kotsay is 
in center and Ray Lankford and Bubba 
"Irammell will platoon in left. Ramon 
Vazquez—who was MVP of the Puerto. 
Rican Winter League—should get the 
nod at shortstop. D'Angelo Jimenez (276) 
moves from short to second, which rele- 
gates Damian Jackson to the bench. Wiki 
Gonzalez replaces Ben Davis behind the 
plate. After 16 lawsuits and a 16-month 
delay, the new stadium is on target to 
open in 2004. The Padres will be a con- 
tender by then, if not sooner. 

Owner Jerry McMorris got it right 
when he said the Rockies "bet the farm 
last year and it didn't work out." After 
coughing up $172 million for starters 
Denny Neagle and Mike Hampton, Mc- 
Morris expected Colorado to make it to 
the postseason. But he didn't get much 
bang for his buck, and the Rockies 
wound up with their second last-place 
finish in three years. Neagle (9-8, 5.38) 
was a bust and Hampton had a better 
year at the plate (7 HRs, .291, .582 slug- 
ging) than on the mound. Despite a 
strong start, he finished 14-13 (in his 
last 19 starts, he was 5-11, 7.37). As usu- 
al, Dealin' Dan O'Dowd was busy over 
the winter, but unlike in years past, he 
looked more to pare payroll than to im- 
prove the team. Saddled with $363 mil- 
lion in salary commitments to four play- 
ers (Neagle, Hampton, Todd Helton and 
Larry Walker), the Rockies are downsiz- 
ing for the first time in their 10-year his 
tory. They face an uphill climb, but all is 
not lost. Hampton can turn in a better 
season, and young hurlers Shawn Cha- 
con, Jason Jennings and John Thomson 
looked good late last year. If they can 
avoid the Coors trauma unit, the Rox 
could have something to build on. As al- 
ways, there's an abundance of offense, 
led by Walker (.350, 38 homers), who 
won his third batting title in four years, 
and Helton, who has 91 homers and 293 
RBI the past two seasons. Juan Pierre 
tied with the Phillies’ Jimmy Rollins for 
the league lead in stolen bases and de- 
fied the dreaded Coors effect, hitting 
nearly as well on the road as at altitude. 
Rookie shortstop Juan Uribe hit .300 in 
72 games. Along with second baseman 
Jose Ortiz, he gives Colorado a strong 
keystone. Coors question: Will the mile- 
high stats keep Walker and Helton from 
Cooperstown? 


Statistical assistance provided by Stats, Inc. 


Milla Jovovich 


(continued from page 119) 
7 


PLAYBOY: What is the most useful way to 
get through a fashion shoot? 

JOVOVICH: The best way to get through a 
fashion shoot is to have as few thoughts 
as possible. In the end, people want to 
make you look a certain way, and the 
more you fight the longer it takes to get 
there. I do what they ask me to. I'm pro- 
fessional. Fashion shoots for me are pret- 
ty much automatic. 1 do my job, I'm nice 
and polite, and then I go home. Model- 
ing does nothing for anybody, artistically 
speaking, unless you're the photogra- 
pher or the stylist. The 

models are the lowest. 

rung in the fashion in- 
dustry. They are the 
least creative. There 
are some models who 
really know style and 
bring their own style 
to a shoot, but they're 
few and far between. 
Modeling is quick 
money, easy money 
and good money. It's 
not that big a deal. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Did you en- 
joy being a girl? 

Jovovich: Yeah, I had 
a great time. I think 
I had a pretty special 
childhood because 
there was a balance of 


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Jovovich: When I was 15, 16 and 17 and 
going out to clubs, my friends and I had 
fake IDs that looked nothing like us be- 
cause they were from wallets we would 
find in rest rooms. 1 don't think people 
really care that much. As long as you're 
young and beautiful, they're like, "Come 
on in. 


10 


PLAYBOY: You've cut a wide path through 
available guy talent. Apparently it does 
not take much to pique your interest, 
but what does it take to sustain it? 

Jovovich: It’s hard to say because none 
of my relationships have lasted. I've 
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much. Maybe once a day ГЇЇ call to ask 
how are you, to say I love you, bye. But 
I'm not into having major conversations 
on the phone. That pisses some people 
off. It's this possessiveness people have. 
I'm guilty of it myself, but most of the 
time I wish guys would give me more 
space. My days are filled—with research, 
reading, playing guitar, making business 
calls, going on auditions. It seems as 
soon as your professional life is great, 
your personal life is a disaster. As soon. 
as your personal life is wonderful, you 
know you haven't been working. But my 
boyfriend right now is amazing. We've 
been going out for almost a year. Гуе 
had a lot of things that have been emo- 
tionally trying, and he's stuck with me. 
So 1 don't know, may- 
be he's the one. 


11 


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being bad, doing all 
the things a teenager wants to do. Thank 
God I'm here to tell the story. I had a 
chance to have an adult lifestyle at an 
early age and at the same time express 
myself and be a kid. Now I'm 26 and my 
life is pretty stable. It's not like I'm 26, 
straight out of college and saying, "What 
am I going to do?" Гуе got a lot of plans. 
I have my company, I just bought a 
house and I'm paying attention to make 
other sensible investments. I like being 
in my mid-20s and being on top of ev- 
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9 


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guising your age? Have you had to actu- 
ally lie about it? 


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to four-year type since I was 17. When 
guys first meet me, they're mystified by 
my independence. They like the fact that 
I'm young and pretty, have money and 
stability and don't need anything from 
them. They don't know what to do to get 
me. Then they start resenting the things 
they loved about me in the first place. 
It's, "You're always working,” or "You 
have to cancel this trip," or "You didn't 
call." I hate the phone. I have two cell 
phones, but I don't know where one of 
them is. 1 check my answering machine 
once a weck. I'm really the worst person 
if you're trying to call me. I'll say, "Let's 
just make a date right now to see each 
other because I don't like talking on the 
phone." So if you're my boyfriend you're 
not going to talk to me on the phone that. 


men. I love them and 
leave them, then go 
to some exotic place 
with another one. At the end of the last 
shoot we did, I said the next one should 
be for Donna Karan maternity wear. I 
said, "Listen, she's going to look like a 
complete slut if she has a different guy 
on the next campaign." But they used 
another model anyway, so it's like the 
guy got a new girlfriend. 1 didn't know 
the relationship would end that way. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Where do you rank shoplifting 
on the spectrum of thrill secking? 
Jovovich: Pretty low. Free Winona! 


14 


PLAYBOY: Let's assume you've received 
a presidential pardon. What were your 157 


RD LIA YERO A. 


158 


worst oflenses? 

JovovicH: Not bad enough for a presi- 
dential pardon, that's for sure. I don't 
really bave any vices. Actually, I just got 
back from skiing, and, like an idiot, I 
went on the moguls and wiped out so 
hard 1 can't do anything. I'm so mad. 
Why did 1 do that? 1 could be skiing 
right now. But no, I bad to take a cra- 
zy risk. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Models want to become actors 
and actors want to become rock stars. 
Which of these vocations is the most 
wholesome? 

JovovicuH: The entertainment business 
isn't wholesome. It just isn't. Maybe the 
Olsen twins are wholesome, but they just 
hit puberty, so I don't know. You have to 
be competitive as an actor. It screws up 
your principles. Actors would be much 
nicer to each other if there weren't so 
much pressure from agents and man- 
agers. If you want a wholesome career, 
don't get into the entertainment busi- 
ness. There are too many temptations. 
Saying that, I don't know a business that. 
is wholesome. Capitalism is unwhole- 


some. It's not about loving your brother; 
it's about looking out for number one. 
That's the American lifestyle, and there's 
nothing wrong with it. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Which career is the riskiest? 

JovovicH: Modeling, because there are 
no laws. It's something the government 
has passed over. There are no child laws 
regarding how long you can work, or. 
whether you're being schooled. At least 
with acting, you bave to bave a teacher 
on the set. In Milan there are a lot of 
14-year-old girls doing shows with 15-, 
16- and 17-year-old girls who are expe- 
rimenting with things that are danger- 
ous. A lot of these girls are not with their 
parents and they're confused. They've 
dropped out of school and they're just. 
naive little oysters waiting to be scooped 
up. Unfortunately, if your parents aren't 
around, or somebody who knows better, 
you'll get taken advantage of. In acting 
and music there are people behind the. 
artists who got them to where they're 
disciplined enough. Modeling is not that 
way. The work is boring and it can take 
all day, but it's not hard. It's not mental- 


"She says you'll remember her when you see her." 


ly stimulating. It's like being a fifth grad- 
er in a first grade class. After a week, it 
gets really boring and you want some- 
thing to challenge you. To be young, out 
of school, with no parents, a boring job— 
the only interesting part is after work 
when you go out to clubs and stuff. 
When I do a film, the work that goes 
into it is really difficult, so when I get 
home, all I want to do is sleep 


17 


PLAYBOY: Are soccer hooligans part of the. 
fun or a necessary evil? 

jovovich: Both. My boyfriend, who's 
English, says part of the experience of 
going to a soccer game is the violence. 
He says the difference between Amer- 
ican football and English soccer is that 
football is a family sport and soccer isn't 
Only crazy people take their children to 
English soccer games because everyone 
throws things at the opposing fans. One 
guy ended up with a dart in his head. It's 
not a family sport. 


18 


PLAYBOY: All the famous Ukrainians we 
know are figure skaters, weight lifters or 
gymnasts. How did you escape? 
Jovovich: If my mother had been a bal- 
lerina or a figure skater, I would have 
been one, too. But my mother was an ac- 
tress, and that inspired me when I was 
little. But trust me, if my mom had been 
a figure skater, I'd be the best figure skat- 
er in the world now. 


19 


PLAYBOY: What do you consider to be the 
worst interior design excesses of the rich 
and famous? 

Jovovich: I'd have to say MTV's Cribs. 
"There's something wrong with showing 
people your home, especially with the 
money these people make and the taste 
they have. To bring a TV crew to your 
home is kind of trashy. It makes people 
envious of you. I know I feel that way 
when I watch those shows, and I hate it. 
I thought Mariah Carey’s lingerie closet 
was a bit much, but there are two couch- 
es in her house that are to die for. 


20 


PLAYBOY: You've described your charac- 
ter in Resident Evil as a hard-ass, and 
you've described yourself as a hard-ass. 
Do men ever get to see the soft side 
of Milla? 

JovovicH: I'm a hard-ass when it comes 
to my work, and I'm not scared to take 
risks. On a social level, I'm not hard at 
all. Maybe with certain men, the ones 
who say, "Hey!" That 
who says hello by pointing a finger at 
me I will hate for life. There's no second 


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160 


BILL O'REILLY 


(continued from page 68) 
a needle in his arm when he's already 
under anesthetic and he's out in two 
minutes? I know which I'd take. Tim Mc- 
Veigh was begging for the needle. 
PLAYBOY: You have criticized the war on 
drugs. What's your objection to it? 
O'REILLY: In its current form, it's a joke. 
Drugs are a health problem. If you're 
caught with drugs in your bloodstream 
when you do a crime, the judge should 
order you into mandatory, coerced drug 
rehab. They're doing it in 10 states. And 
not for 30 days, which doesn't work. It's 
got to be a year. Not only do you have to 
wean people off drugs, but you have to 
teach them how to read, you have to give 
them psychiatric help, teach them life 
skills, too. If you come back again, it's 
two years. If you come back a third time, 
it's threc years. 
PLAYBOY: Would you legalize or decrimi- 
nalize marijuana? 
O'REILLY: Га decriminalize it. But if you 
leave your house and you're stoned, I'm 
going to fine the hell out of you and use 
the money for rchab. If you want to 
smoke por in your housc and be an idiot 
in front of your kids, go ahead. 
PLAYBOY: Havc you tried drugs? 
O'REILLY: Never. I've never smoked a mar- 
ijuana cigarette, never been drunk. 
PLAYBOY: Weren't you curious? 
O'REILLY: No. Because 1 always saw what 
they did to people around me. I was con- 
stantly having to take them to the hospi- 
tal. They were always throwing up. Girls 
were sleeping with guys and the next 
day they were sobbing. Intoxication held 


no attraction for me. I was lucky, because 
there's a lot of alcoholism in my family. 
PLAYBOY: Do you use alcohol socially? 
O'REILLY: No. My mandate is to be totally 
sober every second so I can see and hear 
what's going on. I don't do anything that 
detaches my senses from the here and 
now. As a journalist, it's a tremendous 
advantage. 

PLAYBOY: Fox News anchor Brit Hume 
told PrAYBOY that Fox is fair and bal- 
anced, echoing the network's slogan, but 
do you admit that its point of view is 
most often conservative? 

O'REILLY: The main thing Roger Ailes cre- 
ated is a network that gives people voic- 
es you won't hear on the other networks. 
That said, the news portion of Fox, 
which runs from nine until five, is unbi- 
ased. Once the news analysis programs 
kick in, the dominant personalities are 
conservative. Sean Hannity is a knec- 
jerk right-winger. Hume isn't, though he 
certainly is conservative. 1 come in and 
try to give balance. You don't know what 
I'm going to say. No matter what you 
hear about me, I’m the guy who's fair. 
Everybody gets treated the same. Every- 
body gets asked the hard questions, 
whether Republican, Democrat, Clooney 
or Ashcroft. Nobody escapes. Do some- 
thing stupid, no matter who you are, 
and I'll call it stupid. Do something no- 
ble and I will recognize that, too. As long 
as politicians and other public figures 
keep doing stupid things, I'll be in busi- 
ness. How long will politicians keep do- 
ing stupid things? I think ГЇЇ be around 
awhile, let's put it that way. 


“If you're going lo lie to me I can't represent you. ГЇЇ refer 
you to one of our junior partners.” 


BLACK VALOR 


(continued from page 72) 
vividly recounted a story that typifics his 
best and worst experiences with white 
soldiers. A two-star general visiting the 
hospital where McConnell was recover- 
ing passed all the beds and grected cach 
man. At McConnell's bed, the general 
said, “What's wrong with you, boy? Got 
the clap?" McConnell was too surprised 
and angry to respond, but a white 26th 
infantryman in the next bed said, "Hey, 
General, if he got it, he got it from your 
mother." 

Solidarity among the races was grow- 
ing. Popular white Captain David Wil- 
liams II of the 761st A Company de- 
scribed himself as “a young punk out 
of Yale who changed as the action went 
along." He considered himself a "most 
unlikely candidate" for black troops. 
(Many all-black units were led by white 
officers.) "But I got my manhood with 
them," Williams told The New York Times. 
“These guys were better than heroes be- 
cause they weren't supposed to be able 
to fight, and they were treated worse 
than lepers. I can tell you, it took a rare 
sort of character to go out there and do 
what they did. I used to ask myself, why 
the hell should these guys fight?" In 
1997 a posthumous Medal of Honor 
went to A Company Staff Sergeant Ru- 
ben Rivers. Williams had first recom- 
mended him for it in 1944. (No Medals 
of Honor were awarded to blacks in 
World Wars I and II prior to 1997— 
even though they had won them in ev- 
ery war before and after. Seven Medals 
of Honor were awarded that year, the re- 
sult of a mid-Eighties campaign by the 
military to recognize black military valor. 
The only living recipient, then-Lieuten- 
ant Vernon Baker, had first been recom- 
mended for the Medal in 1945. "I was 
an angry young man," Baker told inter- 
viewers when asked about military rac- 
ism. “We were all angry. But we had a job 
to do and we did it.") 

Despite the heroic exploits of black 
soldiers, die-hard racists at home were 
furious at the po: y of armed blacks 
fighting in an integrated Army. Conse- 
quently, blacks fought two different wars 
on two different fronts. Witness this let- 
ter written in December 1944 by Robert 
Byrd, future L.S. senator from West Vir- 
ginia. "I am a typical American," Byrd 
wrote to Mi ррі'ѕ notoriously racist 
Senator Theodore Bilbo, "a Southerner, 
and 27 years of age, and never in this 
world will I be convinced that race mix- 
ing in any field is good. I am loyal to my 
country and know but reverence to her 
flag, but I shall never submit to fight be- 
neath that banner with a negro by my 
side. Rather I should die a thousand 
times, and see Old Glory trampled in the 
dirt never to rise again, than to see this 
beloved land of ours become degraded 


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by race mongrels." Unlike the black sol- 
diers with whom he would "never sub- 
mit to fight," Byrd didn't serve in the 
military in World War П. 

Meanwhile, the Battle of the Bulge 
marked a change in tbe military's atti- 
tude toward integration: It was now a 
matter of necessity. Following heavy ca- 
sualties during the initial German as- 
sault in December 1944, black soldiers 
were asked to volunteer to reinforce the 
front lines. Although the plan was to in- 
sert individual black soldiers to fight in 
white units, blacks were ultimately kept 
in small groups with white platoon lead- 
ers and squad leaders. Still, it was a radi- 
cal new plan. 

Bruce Wright, an Army medic, was 
one of thousands to volunteer for duty 
in the Bulge. He had already earned 
a Purple Heart on Omaha Beach on 
D day, and in the aftermath of the Bulge 
he'd earn a second Purple Heart and a 
Bronze Star. At the front line he was 
called a nigger by a captain—a common 
experience for these pioneers. But in 
general, integration was successful. (Be- 
fore the experiment, only 33 percent of 
white Army officers were in favor of inte- 
gration. Afterward, 77 percent favored 
it.) Even as a decorated veteran after the 
war, Wright was exposed to bigotry. As 
he boarded a troop ship to go home 
wearing all his medals, he heard a white 
1 didn't know that 
niggers were fighting." Wright turned 
around and went AWOL to Paris. Only 
lightly punished because of his combat 
record, he still came home to America in 
chains. (He later entered New York Uni- 
versity Law School on the GI Bill and be- 
came a New York Supreme Court justice 
as well as an author and poet.) Every 
man in the integration experiment was a 
combat veteran, entitled to a trip home 
and a 30-day furlough before being sent 
back into combat. But as soon as the 
fighting stopped, men were returned to 
labor battalions scheduled for shipment 
to the Pacific. In 1998, five veterans of 
the experiment who had lobbied to have 
their ranks restored and combat service 
entered into their records were awarded 
Bronze Stars. 

In 1948 President Harry Truman, a 
man of compassionate pragmatism, offi- 
cially desegregated the U.S. military by 
executive order. However, the military 
wasn't truly desegregated until half- 
way through the Korean War. (While the 
new Air Force swiftly and quietly inte- 
grated its ranks, the Army tried dancing 
around the order with plans for "sepa- 
rate but equal" units.) In August 1950 
Private First Class William H. Thomp- 
son of the segregated 24th Infantry be- 
came the first American to win the Medal 
of Honor in Korea. Honored posthu- 
mously, Thompson died at his machine 
gun. He had laid down covering fire 


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PLAYBOY 


until the last of his company had with- 
drawn, and until he was mortally wound- 
ed. Cited for actions in August 1950, he 
was not officially recommended for his 
Medal until January 1951. Thompson's 
commander had at first refused to sub- 
mit the recommendation. 

The next president to make major 
military changes was John F. Kennedy, 
who, like other younger World War ЇЇ 
officers, believed segregation was both 
immoral and inefficient. Sweeping the 
last vestiges of organized racism out of 
the military, he insisted that command- 
ers oppose discrimination against per- 
sonnel and dependents both on and off 
base. Southern military bases in the ear- 
ly Sixties were often islands of integra- 
tion in the midst of Jim Crow seas. And 
Vietnam became the first war since the 
Revolution that was integrated from the 
outset. 

Things looked different in 1965. Then 
Captain John Cash, like Colin Powell 
and many other black officers, believed 
there was no better place for a confident 
young black man in America than in the 
military. According to Cash, military mo- 
rale was "tremendous," and the racial 
atmosphere was “sweetness and light." 
There was only one color: Army green. 
"It was a great Army," Cash said. The 
Army that was great in race relations and 
morale was also great in idealism and 
courage. It all came together in 1965 at 
the Battle of Ia Drang, the first ma- 
jor confrontation of the war. The 1965 
Army is called the "Kennedy Class" in 
Lieutenant Colonel Harold Moore and 
Joseph Galloway's account of la Drang, 
We Were Soldiers Once . . . and Young. Echo- 
ing Kennedy in his inaugural speech, 
the 1965 Army asked what it could do 
for its country. "John F. Kennedy waited 
for us on a hill in Arlington National 
Cemetery," wrote Moore and Galloway. 


"In time we came by the thousands to fill 
those slopes with our white marble mark- 
ers and to ask on the murmur of the 
wind if that was truly the future he had 
envisioned for us." By 1968, after the as- 
sassinations of Martin Luther King Jr. 
and Robert Kennedy, the idealism was 
gone. American streets and Vietnam 
jungles weren't far apart; an unfair draft 
united them and drugs were ubiquitous 
in both locales. So were anger against 
racism and anger against the war. Mil- 
itary soul brothers insisted on being 
black, not green—though, as in all wars, 
there were as few racists in foxholes as 
there were atheists. 

The new crop of Vietnam veterans 
was different from those of previous 
years. They were survivors of a problem- 
atic war and a disastrous defeat. Yet vets 
managed to seize personal victory from 
the jaws of defeat. Throughout 1965, 
George Brummell, then a young ser- 
geant at base camp near Cu Chi, hea 
the sound of digging under U.S. posi- 
tions—but his superiors ignored reports 
of what became the famed Cu Chi tun- 
nels. In 1966 Brummell was blinded by 
an antitank mine. Grateful for both an 
understanding family and Army reha- 
bilitation, today he is an officer of the 
Blinded Veterans’ Association. Duery Fel- 
ton, who was turned down by the Navy 
because of a heart murmur, joined the 
Army in 1967. After being seriously 
wounded, he returned home and even- 
tually became curator of the Vietnam 
Veterans’ Memorial Collection. Wayne 
Smith went to Vietnam as an Army 
medic in 1968. The former altar boy 
from Providence turned against the war 
and lost his faith but signed up for a sec- 
ond tour because he didn't want to leave 
the men. *Nobody wanted to die alonc 
in Vietnam," he told me. "The men al- 
ways said, ‘Doc, stay with те” He is 


now the executive director of the Justice 
Project, a research and advocacy group. 
for veterans. 

After the war the Army itself said, "No 
more Vietnams.” A young Kennedy 
Class Vietnam officer named Colin Pow- 
ell was one of the men drafted to create 
the New Army—all-volunteer and race- 
and-gender neutral. Once the most rac- 
ist public entity in America, the Army 
turned itself around in the Seventies and 
Eighties after the debacle of Vietnam. It 
called for people of all colors and both 
sexes to "Be all you can be." The post- 
er person for the slogan was, of course, 
General Powell. Jimmy Carter appoint- 
ed the first black secretary of the Ar- 
my, Clifford Alexander, who opened the 
general officers' list to Colin Powell. Ron- 
ald Reagan made Powell the first black 
national security advisor, and George 
Bush made him the first black chair- 
man of the Joint Chiefs. The story of 
Colin Powell, whose color is almost irrel- 
evant to his fame, is crucial to the black 
military story. Powell himself said that he 
didn't believe in separating his race from. 
his nationality. With Operation Desert 
Storm, the antidote to the Vietnam syn- 
drome, the military came full circle. 
Powell was chairman of the Joint Chiefs, 
General Calvin Waller was second in 
command to General Norman Schwarz- 
kopf, and the first American to down a 
Scud missile over Riyadh was a black 
woman, Lieutenant Phoebe Jeter. 

Black Americans have fought in Af- 
ghanistan, and blacks have died. These 
days, though, it is not the color of their 
skin that is ficant, only the tragedy 
of their loss. The images from halfway 
around the world of black and white 
men and women are not censored. The 
names of our black heroes are no longer 
banished. 

In January, when an American KC-130 
refueling plane crashed in Pakistan, Ser- 
geant Jeannette Winters of Gary, Indi- 
ana was one of seven Marines on board. 
She was the first servicewoman to die in 
the war. Her story was reported through- 
out the nation not because she was black 
or a woman, but because she had died 
for her country. 

It's important not to dwell on past 
evils to the exclusion of celebrating how 
they were overcome. Black military his- 
tory is a success story because it pro- 
duced from its ranks so many successful 
men and women, all of whom believed 
that real patriotism has only one race. In 
fighting their country's enemies at home 
and abroad, they were also fighting for. 
their country to be true to its own best 
promise. Their stories are as important 
for white Americans as blacks. This is not 
just the black view of history—tl 
completed view. 


On November 11, six New York 
firefighters from Engine 33, Ladder 
9 kicked off a cross-country bicycle 
trip to honor the 10 members of their 


New York City fire- 
fighters stopped by 
Нер crib to mingle 
with Ploymates Lou- 
ren Michelle Hill and 
Victoria Fuller. 


company who died on September 11. 
Dan Rowan, Ralph Perricelli, Drew 
Robb, Matthew Hornung, Salvatore 
Princiotta and Gerard Dolan wanted 
to thank Americans for their support. 
"They started at ground zero, cruised 


PLAY WATE SNEWS 


through such cities as Philadelphia, 
Memphis, Oklahoma City, Albuquer- 
que and Phoenix and finished their 
trek at the Playboy Mansion. Accord- 


ing to a journal en- 
try written by Perri- 
celli, "Every corner we turn, we have 
support. It could be 200 people out- 
side a diner or a mom and her kids 
waving flags on the side of the road. 
We are trying to thank every last per- 
“The planning and realization 


SCRAMBLED LEGS 


On her Playmate Data Sheet, 
Miss May 1967 Anne Randall 
said she was studying drama at 
San Francisco City 
College and that 
herambition was to 
become an actress. 

After her Center- 
fold debuted, she 
quit her job as a re- 
ceptionist and hit 
the audition cir- 
cuit, landing roles 
on such television 
shows as The Mon- 
kees, Cannon, Bar- 
naby [ones and Hee 
Haw. Anne's rela- 
tionship with Mr. 
layboy is still sol- Anne Randall. 
Hef threw a 25th anniversary 
atthe Mansion for Anne and 
r husband, singer Dick Stewart. 


ofthis bike ride—as if the guys hadn't 
already done enough—made a big 
impression on me,” says Miss January 
1996 Victoria Fuller, who greeted the 
firefighters at the Mansion. For more 
information, go to fdnythanksameri 
ca.citysearch.com. 


163 


By Wayne 
Brady 


I have a couple of favorites: 
Marilyn Monroe, because she 
was the icon of beauty before 
you had to be 96 pounds, and 


cC hy, 


PLAYMATE Hos 


could not find it, One day, PLAYBOY 
called and asked if I wanted to be the 
Playmate recipient of a Public Service 
Award from the Veterans Administra- 
tion. As you know, Playmates do a lot 
for vets, such as honor- 

ing them in parades 
and visiting them in 
hospitals. I've always 


who is one of the 
Î only women out 
there who isn't 
afraid to look 
stupid. She has 
a great sense of. 
humor and 
she plays 
just like a 

boy. 


loved to participate. 
I wanted to hold my 
father's Purple Heart 
in the award photo, 
but we still couldn't 
find it. Later that 
same day, I received 
a package in the 
mail from my cous- 
in. It was a packet of 
letters from my dad to 
his mother, including one he wrote 
just before he shipped out. It also 
contained his journal as well as the 
Purple Heart. I couldn't believe it. 
"The award is hard to see in this pho- 
to, but I'm proud to be holding it." 


When I was a baby, my father was 
killed during World War IL," says Vic- 
toria Valentino. "I never knew him. 
His name was Jim Bartlett. He was 
awarded a Purple Heart for military 
merit. My moth- 
er held on to it 
throughout my 
childhood. It was 
passed on to me, 
but I let my aunt, 
his sister, have it 
because she had 
nothing of his 
that was tangible. When she died, 
we looked for the Purple Heart but 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 
May 4: Miss January 1998 
Heather Kozar 
May 8: Miss October 1971 
Claire Rambeau 
May 14: Miss September 1982 


Connie Brighton 

May 23: Miss February 1997 
Kimber West 

May ss October 1960 
Kathy Douglas 


"My career is rocking," reports Miss Jon- 
Very 1994 Anna-Marie Gaddord. "I'm 
in the new Dana Corvey movie, Mos- 
ter of Disguise, and | play a henchman 
in the next Austin Powers movie." 
Clockwise from left: her Playboy. 
Netherlands cover; Anno-Morie wigs 
‘aut; chef's night aut; streaking; с 
Kirin commercial with Ben Stiller. 


EZ, 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Operation Playmate online has 
received more than 5000 e-mails 
since its launch in November, 
2001. Vanessa Gleason, Steph- 
anie Heinrich and Nefer- 
teri Shepherd (pictured) 
dressed as military Bun- 
nies to help promote 
the service. . Bebe 
($^, Buell's New York Times 
— best-selling autobiogra- 
phy, Rebel Heart, will be released 
in paperback this summer. . . . 
Look for Nikki Ziering in the 
next Austin Pow- y 
ers flick) =. 
Shanna Moakler 
and Nicole Lenz 
appear in the 
new Elton John 
video for This 
Train Don't Stop 
There Any More, 
which stars "N 
Sync's Justin 
Timberlake as 
a young Elton. 
Shanna portrays 
Dorothy Strat- 
ten in a Holly- 
wood party scene. 
Also, keep your 
eyes open for Shanna's swimsuit 
poster, in stores soon. . . . Jami 
Ferrell and Victoria Fuller hawk 
with Hef in a print ad for Tan- 
queray. . . . Jennifer Walcott 
shows up in the independent film 
Nantucket, starring Melissa Joan 
Hart... . Danelle Folta and 
other members of the Playboy 
X-Treme Team raced on water 
walkers from the San Francisco 
coast to Alcatraz on the show Rip- 
ley’s Believe It or Not... . Brande 
Roderick plays Tanya, the sec- 
ond female lead, in Dracula: Res- 
urrection. ... Don't miss Lisa Der- 
gan (below) as the scorekeeper 
on Smush, the USA Network's 
game show hosted by Ken Ober 
of MTV's Remote Control fame. 
Play online at usanetwork.com. 


Military Bunnies 
solute. 


Smush stars Ken ond Liso. 


Diavwbov 
H негу Bow y 


¡YA Dr > Yd 
ГА Fresliltys 


)9 


Playmate line-up, 


eo ais April 20, 24, 3 
1% 30 


| 
PLAYBOY TV 
Watch More 
For program information go 10: 


Playboy TV is available trom yur 
oral cable television operator or 
hone satelite provi 
© 2002 Playboy Entertainment Group, Inc- 
‘Ni rights reserved. 


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"399 ч 
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worhoghold ZOOS 


LANDO Y 
on the scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


ELECTRONICS 2002 AT LAST 


or techno junkies like us the International Consumer Elec- 
tronics Show is torture. Every year we compile a wish list of 
the best electronics from the convention's 2000 exhibit 
booths. Then we're stuck waiting months for that digital 
camera to hit the stores while we use an antique that seemed state- 
of-the-art a minute ago. So we've learned to be patient. But here's 
the plan. Right away we're upgrading from our current MP3 play- 
er to Sonicblue's Rio Riot. Its 20GB hard drive holds 5000 songs 
(roughly 400 CDs) that 
can be sorted into fold- 
ers for easy navigation. 


Plus, it has an FM tun- € A 
er. We know we want " 


Panasonic's SV-AV10— 
even if we aren't sure 
what to call it. Using 
a 64MB SD memory 
card, the SV-AV10 can 
play digital music and 
record 30 minutes of 


Top right: When it's de- 
tached from its USB- 
port docking station, 
Creative's PC-CAM 600 
operates as a 1.3 mega- 
pixel digital camera 
($150). Bottom right is 
Panasonic's SV-AV10, 
a digital video/audio 
recorder with an LCD 
screen (5450). 


Above: Sharp's Zaurus SL-5500 has a hidden key- 
board in case you're not proficient at writing on 
a PDA ($550). The GPS chip in Samsung's SPH- 
A400 phone provides location-based services 
such as directions and traffic updates ($200). Use 
the handy scroll wheel on Sonicblue's Rio Riot 
MP3 player to navigate through the 5000 songs 
stored in memory ($400). Left: Motorola's 
DCP500 will cut your stereo space to one shelf. 
It's a home theater receiver with a DVD and CD 
player and a digital cable receiver ($1000). 


000000 


video or 880 images that can be played back 
on its two-inch LCD screen. Once we start 
carrying Samsung's SPH-A400 mobile phone, 
we'll have two options when we're lost: Call 
for directions or use the telephone's GPS func- 
tion. If you still have a hard time writing on a 
PDA, opt for Sharp's Zaurus SL-5500. It has 
a hidden keyboard, 206MHz processor and 
64MB memory. IASON BUHRMESTER 167 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


A Sight for Sore Eyes 
We hope this fashion trend lasts forever. JULIETTE LEWIS has 
three new movies this year—Hysterical Blindness, Enough 
and Old School. At the launch of Crush magazine, Juliette 
gave partygoers more than enough. 


Breast 
of All 
MELISSA JOAN HART 
(left) and JENNIFER GA- 
REIS believe in full ex- 
posure. Hart plays Sa- 
brina on TV, and you'll 
see her in Rent Control 
at the movies. Gareis 
appears in Boat Trip, a 
comedy starring Cuba 
Gooding Jr. Here's ta 
basic black. 


Hello Holly 


HOLLY MADISON is a Hooters calendar girl 

and a Hawaiian Tropic model and has ap- 

peared on the E channel’s Wild On series. 
168 Here her lingerie takes center stage. 


Yvette Suits Up 


Model and Miller Beer ad girl YVETTE RACHELLE 
has an official website, yvetterachelle.com, which 
is ranked third among those of Net models world- 
wide. We'll drink to that. 


Pua's in With the Tide 

PUA MILLARE has been on Baywatch Hawaii, 
on calendar covers and in the studios of fash- 
ion photographers. But on the beach is best. 


Casey Hits a Home Run 


SUMMER PHOENIX, sister of Joaquin and River, and CASEY AF- 
FLECK, brother of Ben, are dating, and each has a thriving movie and 
TV career. Look for Casey in Gerry with Matt Damon, and Summer 
playing Samantha in Wasted, an MTV movie about addiction. 169 


MWiotpourri 


LET'S GET SHAGGED 


You won't find Shag Party on Martha Stewart's 
bookshelf. Adam Rocke and pop artist Shag 
(a.k.a. Josh Agle) have created a collection of 
eight Fifties-themed parties such as Bongo Beat 
Bash and Seduction for Two. The book's “cock- 
tails and appetizers to seduce and entertain" in- 
clude a kool kat cooler, Kerouac's 
hummus and Rotarian rumaki 
Our favorites: a mondo martini 
9 accompanied by last-dance 
cheese dip. Price: $19.95. 
© Surrey Books is the publisher. 


STRONG AND STRONGER 


Jim Koch, founder of the Boston Beer Co., 

is one tough brewmaster. Two years ago he 
proclaimed Samuel Adams Millennium "the 
world's strongest beer." Now he's gone one bet- 
ter and introduced 48 proof Utopias MMII, an 
ale aged for a year in scotch, cognac and port 
barrels. The result is a fruity beverage that's as 
rich as port. Drink it at room temperature af- 
ter dinner as you would a liqueur. It's bottled 
in a replica of a brewmaster's kettle (below). 
Price: $100 each. 


BLOOMING LOVELY 


Can't decide whether to 
give your girlfriend flow- 
ers or lingerie? Go to 
sexyllorist.com and get 
the best of both worlds. 
The store specializes in 
bouquets of imported silk 
flowers that come with 
G-string panties or 
thongs tucked into each 
one. "You select the 
kinds of flowers your. 
lover likes and the 
type of lingerie you. 
want her to wear, and 
we make the fantasy 
come true," says sales 
manager Amy Le Nguyen. 
A bouquet of three flowers 
is $60. A half dozen costs 
$90 and a dozen is $150. 
Sexyflorist.com also sells 
bikini briefs and thongs 
for guys. Animal-print 
briefs and camouflage 
thongs are popular choices. 


TWIST AND SHOUT 


Wicked "Twister isn't for the faint of heart. The newest roller 
coaster at Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio 
launches its passengers forward and up a 215-foot twisted stcel 
tower before the cars streak back down the structure and into the 
station. Then riders are launched backward up an identical tower 
for more "air time" (that feeling of floating that serious coasteri- 
ans crave). Five trips (three forward and two backward) complete 
the ride. The Wicked Twister experience comes with bragging 
rights: You hit 72 mph in two and a half seconds. Go to cedar 
point.com for the park's location and hours. 


HAVE A WEE DRAM, LADDIE 


"The Scotch Malt Whisky Society of Amer- 
ica has just announced the cities for its 
tastings of some of the world's finest 
scotches. If you'd like to join the society, 
membership is 
$149 the first 
year, which in- 
cludes an $85 
bottle of scotch, 

or $75 without Hr 
the scotch. Yearly f 
renewals are $25. 
Members receive 
a quarterly pur- 
chase 

list of. 1] 
fine WA W 
single SAC 
malts TR 
bottled 4 
at cask 
strength and. 
not available 
in stores. For 
more informa- 
tion, call 800- 
990-1991 


GENTLEMEN, START YOUR VCRS 


"The cars that compete today at the Indi- 
anapolis 500 are so sophisticated that one 
tends to forget the sport's raw roots. To 
experience Indy's roadster era (from the 
Thirties through 1964), order a two-vol- 
ume set of videotapes from Rare Sports- 
films. All footage is in black-and-white, 
and much of it has never been available 
before. Price: $44.95. Call 630-527-8890 
or go to raresportsfilms.com. 


MR. STARDUSTER 


In Casino Royale, lan Fleming 
says of James Bond, “He re- 
minds me rather of Hoagy 
Carmichael.” That's just one cu- 
rious fact in Richard Sudhalter's 
fascinating biography Stardust 
Melody, which explores the life 
and music of the man who com- 
posed Stardust, Georgia on My 
Mind, Skylark and many other 
classics. Besides being a gifted 
songwriter, Carmichael ap- 
peared in films, recorded with 
big-band greats and counted Bix 
Beiderbecke and Louis Arm- 
strong among his closest friends. 
‘Truly an American icon. The 
price: $35. Oxford University 
Press is the publisher. 


TOP OF THE WORLD 


If you want to win bar bets galore, invest in the Quark spinning 
top and bet you can make it revolve for 15 minutes with just a 
twist of two fingers. What those betting against you won't know is 
that the Quark comes with a glass surface for spinning, leveling 
shims, balancing weights and a laser beam gizmo for additional 
precision. Price: $49.95 in brass or $149.95 in tungsten. Visit. 
miclog.com or call 201-447-6991 to order. 


OUR FAVORITE BUNNY 


Glamour photographer Bunny 
Yeager has been a contributor to 
PLAYBOY almost since the first is- 
sue, Her last feature in the mag- 
azine, Bunny's Honeys, appeared 
in May 1994. “I am always 
searching for that special girl 
who could be accepted as a 
Playmate," says Bunny. Now 
you can reacquaint yourself 
with some of her most beautiful 
models, such as Bettie Page 
(right), in Bunny Yeager's Pin-Up 
Girls of the Fifties. The $24.95 
Schiffer softcover is available 
from 610-593-1777. The book’s 
text is by Bunny, too. 


BENext Month 


PMOY 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR—IT'S TIME FOR OUR 2001 PMOY, 
BRANDE RODERICK, TO HAND DOWN HER TITLE AND BE- 
STOW PLAYBOY'S HIGHEST HONOR. WHO WILL TAKE THE 
COVETED CROWN? ANOTHER HISTORIC PICTORIAL 


AIR SICK—THE FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION HAS LET 
THE AIRLINES WRITE THE RULES. IT HAS DOWNPLAYED PROB- 
LEMS IN TRAINING, MAINTENANCE AND ENGINEERING. WOR- 
RIED ABOUT SECURITY? ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO READ 
THIS? BY BRIAN KAREM 


CURT SCHILLING—THE WORLD SERIES HERO AND DEEP 
THINKER DISCUSSES PITCHING TO DEREK JETER (BUST HIM 
INSIDE), PLAYING PRANKS ON ROOKIES (PINE TAR, YES; 
URINE, NO) AND SEX IN THE MINORS (TRY TO GET A ROOM 
IN A HOUSE WITH FIVE COEDS). A FASTBALL INTERVIEW 
BY KEVIN COOK 


BUILDING A BETTER BATTLE —WAR MOVIES AND COMBAT 
VIDEO GAMES HAVE BECOME SO REALISTIC THAT THEY'RE 
NOW USED TO TRAIN REAL SOLDIERS AND MARINES. HERE 
IS THE TRUE STORY BEHIND THE MAKE-BELIEVE MAYHEM. 
BY OWEN WEST 


OSCAR DE LA HOYA—BOXING'S GOLDEN BOY TAKES A SHOT 
AT 200. INCLUDED: BEING A LATINO ROLE MODEL, HOW TO 
WIN A BAR BRAWL, WHY IT'S GREAT TO CRACK SOMEONE IN 
THE FACE AND WHY HE WOULD NEVER WANT TO SCRAP WITH 
A WOMAN. ROBERT CRANE IS OUR MAN IN THE RING 


= 


эт 


Xl 


PRIME-TIME PLAYMATES 


HAVANA HEARTBREAK—HEMINGWAY, CHE GUEVARA AND 
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WOULD AGREE ON ONE THING: 
CUBA BOASTS THE WORLD'S MOST EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN. 
A.J. BENZA HOPS A PLANE TO HAVANA TO TRY HIS LUCK 
WITH THE LOCALS. 


A POSSIBILITY OF LOVE—SARA WAS AN ARTIST. LINDSEY 
WAS A STALKER. BRIDGET WAS PRIM. EVERY EX-GIRLFRIEND 
TAUGHT HIM SOMETHING. BY THE TIME HE MET LIZA, YOU 
WOULD THINK HE'D KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT WORK. FICTION 
BY ETHAN HAUSER 


PRIME-TIME Рі АҮМАТЕЅ —YOUR FAVORITE CENTERFOLDS 
ARE ALL OVER THE AIR—FROM FEAR FACTOR AND THE WEAK- 
EST LINK TO A SPORTS SHOW ON FOX. NETWORK TV WOULD 
NEVER SHOW THEM NUDE—BUT WE CAN 


CALL OF THE WILD —WHEN YOU'RE A ROCK STAR, STYLE IS 
AS KEY AS GROUPIES. WE DRESSED TANTRIC AND JAZZ GUY 
CHRIS BOTTI IN THE COOLEST STAGE GEAR. PENNY LANE 
AND THE BAND AIDS WOULD BE PROUD: 


DADS AND GRADS—KICK-ASS GIFTS FOR GUYS WHO HAVE 
EVERYTHING—GOLF CLUBS, A POCKETKNIFE, CIGARS, SUN- 
GLASSES, A CAMCORDER AND MORE 


PLUS: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT DIRT-BOARD- 
ING, THE BEST PORN DOCUMENTARIES (ACCOMPANIED BY AN 
A-TO-Z GUIDE TO PORNSPEAK), COOL PLACES TO SHACK UP 
AND PLAYMATE MICHELE ROGERS