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ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN UNE ОЗ Sami. playboy.com 


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PLAYMATES PUT the ruff-ruff in ratings. When NBC was up 
against that behemoth known as the NFL Championship 
game, they devised a Super Bowl sundac—an all-Playmate 
Fear Factor. And when it came time to sex up Anne Robinson's 
Weakest Link, they went all-Playmate, too. We don't mind shar- 
ing our eye for talent, so we're showcasing our Nielsen sisters 
in a Playmates in Prime Time photo album. Speaking of frieze- 
frames, we also anoint Dalene Kurtis the newest member of the 
super-Centerfold pantheon. Hail Dalene, Playmate of the 
Year! Her pictorial was shot by Stephen Wayda. 

A Schilling for your thoughts. Two years ago the course of 
baseball history was forever altered when the Philadelphia 
Phillies shipped their ace, Cun Schilling, to the Arizona Dia- 
mondbacks. This month Kevin Cook stepped into the box with 
the World Series’ co-MVP for an astounding Playboy Interview. 
Schilling gives the lie to the cliché that women weaken legs 
(his wife conceived during the Series) and shares his video 
database of 25,000 pitches. Then he cuffs the cabal of major 
league sports doctors and delivers a high hard one on minor 
league groupies. He's the horse of the issue—ride him. 

For years, the Federal Aviation Administration has embod- 
ied the government's unwillingness to protect its citizens. Our 
reliance on an agency that answers to the es has fatal re- 
sults in the best of times. The FAA has a cunctative approach 
to supervising airline security and is grossly lax in its oversight 
of maintenance. The truth of the mess is all in Air Sick, an ex- 
plosive article by Brian Karem (illustrated by Arnold Roth). “FAA. 
inspectors in the field are laudable,” says Karem, “but man- 
agement is unwilling to fight Congress and the airline lobby. 
It's a sick system.” 

Usually when someone mentions the word synergy, we tune 
them out and walk out of the boardroom. But humor us when 
we call the connection between movies, video games and the 
military damn synergistic. Whether you're looking at the fight 
sequences in We Were Soldiers or the graphics in the Medal 
of Honor games, fake war has never been more realistic— 
so much so that the Marines use games as training devices. 
In Building a Better ВаШе, ex-Marine Owen West takes us be- 
hind the blue screen for a look at how it's all done and who's 
doing it. 

When you're denied material objects, you look for pleasure 
in simple things—like love and sex. Or so it seems to any man 
who challenges American bureaucracy by visiting Guba and 
falling under the spell of Latin women. A.J. Benzo, author of 
Fame: Ain't It a Bitch, met such a modern-day Circe—a woman 
named La China—and kept returning to the island until the 
feds stopped him. Read Havana Heartbreak, with artwork by 
Istvan Banyai. Our short story this month is also an ode to lost 
lovers. The Possibility of Love by Ethan Hauser is an erotic scrap- 
book, fetchingly illustrated Бу Refal Olbinski. 

While you're in list mode, consider getting environmental- 
ly active the next time your girlfriend wants to harvest your 
redwood. All Night Long by James Oliver Cury surveys great es- 
capes such as a combination love nest-tree house inn and an 
ice hotel. Or you can stay at home and pant over Shakira by 
Editorial Assistant Potty Lamberti. The singer's the next pop 
princess. Action-packed photos also adorn our look at the new 
sport of all-terrain boarding in Shred the Earth by Playboy.com 
Editor John D. Thomas. Our other all-terrain adrenaline rush 
comes in the form of Playmate Michele Rogers. She has a brand- 
new pair of Puma roller skates—and now you have her key. 


KURTIS AND WAYDA 


КАКЕМ 


WEST 


HAUSER 


CURY 


LAMBERTI 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), June 2002, volume 49, number 6. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, BO. Box 2007, Harlan, lowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@ny,playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 


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vol. 49, по. 6—iune 2002 


PLAYBOY 


contents] 


features 


76 AIR SICK 
Four recent deadly plane crashes can be connected to laxity al the Federal Aviation 
Administration. That's not the worst of it. The FAA gets to implement Congress" 
post-September 11 safety measures. BY BRIAN KAREM 


94 SHRED THE EARTH 
The aerial insanity of dirt boarding is the devil spawn of skateboarding and extreme 
mountain biking. BY JOHN D. THOMAS 


110 HAVANA HEARTBREAK 
Cuban women have enthralled Hemingway and Fidel. Pity then the love-starved 
gringo who goes down to the island for some fun. BY A.J. BENZA 


117 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: LISA DERGAN 
Lisa's motto is Help Him Help You. We like her altitude. 


118 BUILDING A BETTER BATTLE 
Popcorn munchers and guys who wage real war are benefiting from the new 
realism in war movies and video games. BY OWEN WEST 


122 SHAKIRA 
If Britney wrote her own songs and belly danced, she might rival Colombia's 
Shakira. BY PATTY LAMBERTI 


124 200 OSCAR DE LA HOYA 
The great WBC champ kayos а myth: De La Hoya's best fight was after a night of 
sex. And when he sees blood, he isn't jacked—he just wants to knock the other guy 
out to avoid deadly diseases. BY ROBERT CRANE 


126 ALL NIGHT LONG 
The mile high club зо Eighties. These days, you need to swing it in a tree house, 


an ice hotel or a subterranean bed and breakfast. Here's our secret sex atlas. Gover stor y 
BY JAMES OLIVER CURY With wholesome Doris Doy looks—ond o bright 
personality —Ploymate of the Yeor Dalene Kur- 
tis is ап Americon clossic. Her red, white and 


fiction blue cover is c naturol. “What the troops ore 
> š doing for our country is amazing, and | wont to 
86 THE POSSIBILITY OF LOVE show my potriotism,” soys the PMOY, who's o 


proud member of Operation Playmate. Here's 


So many exes, so many fabulous tricks and treats. How can а new woman, even the 
to the flog from Dalene and our Rabbit. 


romance of a lifetime, compete with such a catalog of lust? BY ETHAN HAUSER 


interview 


65 CURT SCHILLING 
The Diamondbacks' World Series co-MVP has recorded thousands of pitches on 
CD-ROM. He also has plenty to say about sex before games, playing hurt, tricking 
hitters, minor league groupies and his hefty salary. It’s опе of the most intelligent 
Sports interviews you'll ever read. BY KEVIN COOK 


contents continued 


Y 


vol. 49, no. 6—june 2002 


pictorials 


PLAYMATES IN PRIME TIME 
The Centerfolds on Fear Factor 
апа Weakest Link boosted more 
than ratings. 


PLAYMATE: 

MICHELE ROGERS 

This Hawaiian beach bunny 
loves men with style and tattoos. 
Before you ink up, double-check 
her spelling. 


PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 
Cheers to Dalene Kurtis, an 
all-American girl who makes us 
stand up and salute. 


notes ond news 


11 
12 
55 


169 


WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
Hef gets a big magazine award, 
Bond girls at the Mansion. 


GETTIN' DOWN WITH HEF 
Moby, James Gandolfini and Ice-T 
shake it with the Man. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
Porn documentaries, drugs and 
terrorism. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 

Victoria Fuller’s pop art, red-carpet 
Rabbits, the irrepressible Anna 
Nicole Smith and Kiss. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 
WIRED 

LIVING ONLINE 


44 PLAYBOY TV 

46 PLAYBOY.COM 

47 МЕМ 

49 MANTRACK 

53 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 

108 PARTY JOKES 

160 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 

173 ON THE SCENE 

174 GRAPEVINE 

176 POTPOURRI 
lifestyle 

90 FASHION: CALL OF 
THE WILD 
Never mind the rock concert. These 
clothes make you the headline act. 
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 

112 DADS AND GRADS 
A tablet PC, a Nike driver, the 
coolest camcorder; 25-year-old 
scotch, an atomic clock radio. 
reviews 

32 MOVIES 
Hugh Grant and Rachel Weisz, 
sequel season. 

36 VIDEO 
Porno classics, the Coen brothers. 

38 MUSIC 
Cornershop, Mystikal, and Dead 
Man Walking as an opera. 

42 BOOKS 


Insider accounts of the CIA and 
Delta Force and The Sexual Life 
of Catherine M. 


PRINTED IN UG A 


5 
2 
rs 
9 
= 
2 
2 
zi 


BOSS 


New York Los Angeles Tampa Piano Dallas Atlanta HUGO BOSS 


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ri 


PLAYBOY 
HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI editorial 
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO Senior editor; ALISON LUNDGREN. BARBARA 
NELLIS associate editors; ROBERT В. DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; LINDA 
FEIDELSON. HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALER. HARRIET PEASE, OLGA STAVROPOULOS, 
NICOLE TUREC editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edilor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; 
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA 
SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE НОРАК, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN 
research librarian; тім GALVIN. JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER, JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOLCE. GRETCHEN 
EDGREN. LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER. D. KEITH MANO. JOE MORGENSTERN, 
DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUGE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior art directors; ROB WILSON assistant 
art director; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art 
services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SELDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER, STEPIIANIE MORRIS 
Senior editors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG, 
RICHARD IZUI, DAVID MECEY. BYRON NEWMAN, POMPEO POSAR, STEPHEN WAYDA contributing 
photographers; GEORGE GEORGIO staff photographer; ви wart studio manager— 
los angeles; ELIZABETH croncrov manager, photo library; ANDREA BRICKMAN, 
PENNY EKKERT. GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher 


PRODUCTION 
МАМА MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO. CINDY PONTARELLI. RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE. BARB TEKIELA [yfesellers; BILL BENWAY, 
SIMME WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK assistant 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising direclor; PHYLLIS KESSLER new york advertising manager; JOE 
HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLA direct response manager; LISA NATALE marketing 
director; SUE 1G0£ event marketing director; JULIA LICHT marketing services director; DONNA 
TAVOSO creative services director; NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPP. LORI BLINDER, SUE JAFFE. 
JOEN LUMPKIN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER. COREY SPIEGEL; CHICAGO; WADE BAXTER; 
ATLANTA: BILL BENTZ. SARAH HUEY, GREG MADDOCK; MARIE FIRNENO advertising business 
manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator 


READER SERVICE 
MIKE OSTROWSKI. LINDA STROM correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC, 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
MICHAEL T. CARR president, publishing division 


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HOW TD E 


SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Cigar 
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And Throat, Even If You Do Not Inhale. 


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GET OUT GRIME with thousands of grits 
PURIFY beneath the surface 
EXFOLIATE for smoother skin 


One more way NIVEA FOR MEN helps 
IMPROVE THE CONDITION OF YOUR SKIN un 


MORE EVOLVED SKINCARE 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


JAMES BOND GIRLS AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION 

Robert Wagner introduced a 007 movie marathon on ABC-TV with 
Bond girls Luciana Paluzzi (Thunderball), Honor Blackman (Pussy 
Galore in Goldfinger), Jane Seymour (Live and Let Die) and Maud 
Adams (Octopussy) at—where else?—the Mansion. 


HEF HONORED BY MAGAZINE PUBLISHERS 

The Magazine Publishers of America honored Hef with its Henry 
Johnson Fisher Award. Christie introduced him, and Martha Stewart 
and other celebrities lent their support on this special evening. 


ROB ZOMBIE AND MARDI GRAS AT THE MANSION 

Rocker Rob Zombie and Playmates Lauren Michelle Hill, Deanna Brooks, Jennifer 
Walcott and Miriam Gonzalez (above) partied with lucky fans who won an evening at 
the Mansion in a radio contest. Hef hosted a Mardi Gras party (below), with his gal 
pals, Centerfolds and celebrities, including Matthew Perry of Friends, in attendance. 


STARS SHINE 

ON GOLDEN GLOBES NIGHT 

The Oscar may be Hollywood's most 
coveted award, but the Golden Globes 
is the most fun and the best excuse 
for a party. Hef and his girls, including 
Holly Madison, ran into P. Diddy, Ron 
Howard, Kim Cattrall, Jamie Foxx and 
Moulin Rouge star Ewan McGregor (be- 
low). McGregor called Mr. Playboy the 
"King of the World." 


Mr. Playboy and his party posse took a bite 
out of the Big Apple while Hef was accepting 
the Magazine Publishers of America's Fisher 
Award. Then they headed back to the left coast 
for some Golden Globes and Mardi Gras 
action. (1) Hef's blonde babes thanking New 
York City firefighters for their heroism. (2) 
You-know-who and Cosmo founding editor 
Helen Gurley Brown at the MPA awards. (3) 
Moby with the Hef troop at Pangaea. (4) Ice-T. 
playing it cool at Serafina. (5) At the Golden 
Globes with Sarah Jessica Parker. (6) James 
Gandolfini, Hef and Tina at the Globes. (7) 
Painted pretties at the Mansion Mardi Gras 
party. (8) Lauren Hill with J. August Richards 
and Anthony Montgomery. (9) Jon Lovitz and 
Colin Hanks. (10) Jeremy Piven with the 
host. (11) Verne Troyer digs the debauchery. 
(12) Judd Nelson and Helina Peszt. (13) Re- 
nee Sloan, Angelica Bridges and Tina. (14) 
The cast of Temptation Island 11. (15) Dancing 
the night away. (16) Amy Miller, Miriam 
Gonzalez, Stephanie Heinrich and Paulette 
{ Myers at our New Orleans bash. 


WORDS EVERY DAD 1 
TO HEAR ON FA 


Robert Duvall from Apocalypse Now 


“T love the smell 
of napalm in 


the morning.” 


Marlon Brando from The Godfather 


“Tim gonna make 
him an offer 


he can't refuse.” 


Mel Gibson from Braveheart 


“Every man dies. 
Not every man 


really lives,” 


Unforgettable words. Unforgettable films. Available on DVD. 


Buy these at 
amazon.com. 
— 


www.paramountcom/homevideo 
subject to change without notice. TM. © 8 Copyri 


Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved 


DISTINCTIVE SINCE 1975 


80 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPB@ PLAYBOY COM 


ONCE IN LOVE WITH AMY 
Amy Hayes (Lady of the Rings! March) 
was a mentor to me and to several other 
young women when she organized the 
Hawaiian Tropic contests in the Detroit 
area and the state finals that we attend- 
ed. She has amazing charisma and com- 
mands her own spouight, yet she isn't 
caught up in her beauty. Its great to see 
Amy in a pictorial. 
Holly Logue 
Washington, D.C. 


Either 1 have a pretty good memory 
or Amy Hayes is so gorgeous that she's 
hard to forget. I checked a lot of back is- 
sues before I found her in the April 1995 
Girls of Hawaiian Tropic pictorial. Many 
thanks for bringing her back. 

Brian Isbell 
Yukon, Oklahoma 


ABOUT FACE 
I'm awestruck by Asa Baber's March 
Men column, “The Two Faces of Islam.” 
His message is profoundly important, 
moving, timely and well written—as his 
work always is 
Dave Klundt 
Denton, Texas 


After the events of September 11, 
when my friends asked me what I knew 
about Islam I gave each of them the 
same response: What happened in New 
York was about Islam the same way that 
shooting abortion clinic workers is about 
Christianity. 

Diana Brown 
Albuquerque, New Mexico 


Baber's column on Islam hit the mark. 
Our ideal of secular democracies is con- 
fronted with an impossible obstacle. 
Commerce and culture flourish under 
any government that provides the neces- 
sary legal infrastructure to protect life 
and property—as it did in the Muslim 
world of the past. But will these coun- 
tries ever move from bare tolerance to 
full cooperation, permitting diversity and 
other cultural characteristics to flourish 
all over the world? 

Roe Maier 
Bosque Farms, New Mexico 


THE REAL DOPE 
Thanks for the insightful article by 

Christopher Noxon, The Trouble With Re- 
hab (March). As the medical director of 
a chemical dependency treatment pro- 
gram and a recovering alcoholic with 16 
years’ sobriety, I һауе firsthand experi- 
ence with the problem of relapse after 
treatment. Patients who practice a 12- 
step program as a way of life after re- 
hab are better able to stay sober. 1 hope 
PLAYBOY will continue to address what 
has become one of the nation’s most im- 
portant health problems. 

Mark Jackson 

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 


- STEVE MARTIN 


a comedy you can really 
sink your teeth into! 


AVAILABLE ON 2Y2 
APRIL 23, 2002 


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PLAYBOY 


Noxon does a fair job in his treatment 
of rehabs. I am more than a decade into 
recovery and know that it's the willing- 
ness of the addict to recover that matters 
more than anything else. If he surren- 
ders his selfishness and dishonesty one 
day at a time, his new way of life—clean 
and sober—is virtually guaranteed. Hell, 
that approach will work for mobsters 
and politicians, too. 

Dave Polewka 
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 


Noxon has great insight into rehabili- 
tation programs that don’t work. Those 
running the programs aren't interested 
in a cure—that would mean giving up 
their incomes and the control they have 
over the lives of the recovering addicts. 

"ER. Atkinson 
Honesdale, Pennsylvania 


For kids who see famous people go in- 
to and out of rehab, Noxon's piece is a 
wake-up call. There is nothing cool 
about rehab. And it doesn't always take. 

Ann Jones 
San Diego, California 


I've had the honor and privilege of 
counseling alcoholics and other addicts 
in an inpatient primary treatment set- 
ting for 10 years. I'd like to thank Noxon 
for acknowledging our hopes and frus- 
trations. The problems and criticisms 


noted are encountered daily by those of 
us who labor in this field. Until a better 
solution arrives, we will press on. 
John Thompson 
Clinical Coordinator 
Newhaven Re 
Brookhaven, Mi 


Tm a recovering addict who has been 
through treatment. Rehab is only the be- 
ginning of a lifelong commitment. I be- 
lieve nothing works except the 12 steps. 
There are no alternatives. But don't ex- 
pect rehab to cure you. Addiction is a dis- 
ease with no cure. 

Amy Eberly 
Hollywood, California 


HERE COMES MS. JORDAN 
You've been holding out on us. Tina 
Jordan (Tina Time, March) is the next 
Playmate of the Year. Add this blonde 
bombshell to the ranks of Pamela An- 
derson, Jenny McCarthy and Heather 
Kozar. 
Laurence Gurule 
Cypress, California 


Tina Jordan oozes sexuality. Hefis the 
luckiest man in the world. 

Ralph Pizzone 

Baton Rouge, Louisiana 


1 would like to congratulate Tina on 
her March pictorial. We attended the 


same school—Palmdale High—and she's 
the reason that Гуе decided to become 
а model. 
Kellie Daniel 
Arab, Alabama 


DATING.COM 
Rob Tannenbaum's article SWM Seeks 
Sex (March) is entertaining and hilari- 
ous. The poor guy seems to attract every 
psychotic, granola-eating hippie in New 
York City—as well as high-powered cor- 
porate feminists intent on kicking ass 
and taking names. However, I have used 
talkmatch.com, one of the Internet dat- 
ing services Rob tried. Unlike the wom- 
en he met, I'm cute, educated and just 
too damn busy with a career and grad 
school to pursue men. So why, dear Rob, 
do I keep getting e-mails from nasty 
men who look like the Unabomber and 
have the intelligence of Dan Quayle? 
Kimber Anthony 
Baltimore, Maryland 


I'm glad I'm not the only red-blooded 
male who feels like Rob. Thanks to him 
for telling it like it is. 

Dudley Kuboi 
San Ramon, California 


A STAR IS PORN 

Leave it to PLAYBOY to portray adult 
stars (The Women of Porn, March) with 
such class and style. The beautiful Tera 


WHO WANTS TO BE A 
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE? 


Reality 


Television Special 


Go behind the scenes, behind the 
lives, behind closed doors as a bevy of 
beautiful girls vie for the honor of 
becoming the Playmate of the Month 
in the July 2002 issue of Playboy. 


From а nationwide search, many are called but few аге chosen to spend a 
special week in Los Angeles. They primp, they pose, they party. But in the 
end, only one will be Playmate of the Month. Who would you choose? 


Patrick shines brighter than the others 
and deserves her own pictorial. 

Brian Муізап 

Grand Rapids, Michigan 


Don't porn stars get enough expo- 
sure? If I wanted to sce them, I'd sub- 
scribe toa triple-X movie club. 

Tom Myers 
Lebanon, Illinois 


These women are gorgeous (my fa- 
vorite is Asia Carrera), and it’s interest- 
ing to read their take on what it's like to 
work in porn. 

Stephen Chase 
Woodinville, Washington 


WHOLE LOTTA LOVE 

Your March fiction feature, The Poly- 
amorist by Gary S. Kadet, portrays poly- 
amorists as cheating swingers. In fact, 
their lifestyle is like a group marriage. 
Polyamory is a higher love for people 
who have been able to evolve beyond 
selfish jealousy. 


Bob McKee 
Atlanta, Georgia 


THE WEE SMALL HOURS 

1 cried when I read The Four A.M. Girl 
by A.J. Benza (February) because that 
girl used to be me. I've moved on, but 1 
still wonder in the middle of the night 
what he’s doing. Benza was so dead-on 


1 4 2 б 
Mn 


РА Фе, a. 
EE een rea 


PLAYBOY, circa 1988. 


that it made me believe my lover occa- 
sionally thinks of me. 
(Name withheld by request) 
West Haven, Connecticut 


It's closer to five AM. now and I just 
read Benza. What was I thinking during 
all those four AMS? 

Julie Freeman 
Los Angeles, California 


How old is A.J. Benza? She isn't com- 
ing back for the fabulous sex. She's com- 


ing back hoping that he's matured. You 
are doing your readers a disservice. 
Plenty of women enjoy casual sex, 
but no one wants to be treated like an 
inflatable doll. 
Janice Becker 
Deerfield, Illinois 


My take is a little different on that four 
AM. phenomenon. I let him in—drunk, 
sheepish, sleepy, whatever. Not every- 
thing is all one way. 

Ellen Lewis 
Seattle, Washington 


UNDER COVER IN KABUL 
Greetings from the Marines, sailors 

and Department of Security personnel 
who retook, then reopened, the U.S. 
Embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan. The em- 
bassy was evacuated in 1989 and stood 
virtually untouched for 12 years. It was 
like a time capsule, and as we cleared 
away debris, the Marines found a collec- 
tion of PLAYBOYS. (Of course, we were оп- 
ly interested in reading the articles.) I 
like to think the PLAYBOYs were left for 
the next generation to man this post. It 
is with great pride that we return this 
little piece of Americana, autographed, 
to you. 

C.J. Blume 

Lieutenant, USMC 


| Ше smooth, 
long-lasting flavor of New 
Skoal Berry Blend. 


OFFER, Nor AVAJLABLE TO MINORS. Offer expires apa. $ wis 
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A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


THE ART OF INSULT HUMOR 


Jeffrey Ross is a comedy writer and 
performer known for dishing it out bet- 
ter than he takes it. He also produces 
the annual Friars Club Roasts for televi- 
sion. After he put a smile on our boss’ 
face during Hef's roast, we asked him to 
break down the basics of busting balls. 
Ross calls it the Five Fs of insult humor: 

Fast: Quick response time is important 
when verbally bashing somebody, par- 
ticularly when it comes in the form 
of a comeback. A come- 
back doesn't have to be 
that clever—or even make 
much sense—as long as 
it is launched from your 
mouth instantly. Follow this 
basic example: “Friend #1: 
Nice suit! What did you do? 
Fuck the drapes?” “Friend 
#2: Yeah, 1 did—right after 1 
fucked your sister!” Timing 
is everything. Comic breaths 
come and go in a flash. Be 
prepared! Insult humor isn't 
just an art, it's a reflex. 

Funny: Never overanalyze an insult 
Something is either funny or not. Your 
gut feelings are always right. Just re- 
member one thing: If an insult doesn't 


GET MEDIEVAL 


It's a swing. It’s a chaise. It’s а 
swing. Stop—you're both right! The 
Love Rocker, available online, is 
designed to take unwanted strain 
out of sex. As with any piece of gym 
equipment, good form and mirrors 
are optional—but in this case, wip- 
ing down the machine after use із а 
must. With a collapsible frame and 
multiple uses, it 

appeals to the 


lazy fucker in 
all of us. 


MODELS EAT THE DARNDEST THINGS 


The photographer who goes by the single name Rankin wanted ta prove his 
equonimity by shooting Models Wanted—Any Age, Any Size: The Nude Pho- 
tography of Rankin (Universe). His idea was ta let the women decide haw they 
wanted to be seen. “It’s about them feeling goad about taking off their 
clothes. None of them are doing it for me,” he says. The result is intriguing, 
though we must soy some of the subjects did more for us than others did. 


offend somebody somewhere, it's proba- 
bly not funny. Rosie O'Donnell strives 
hard not to offend anyone and hence is 
about as funny as diabetes. 

Filthy: Insult humor tastes best when 
served raw. Go for the jugular! Hey, if 
you're going to push the envelope you 
might as well push it with your cock, 


right? Example: “My Aunt Rava is so old 
her pussy has mice!” 

Friendly: Always be sure to shmooze 
before you slam. You want your friends 
to like you afterward. Example: “Hey, 
Roger. You're a really great guy—but 
your breath smells like an anchovy's 
cunt.” The savvy insultist will often avoid 


PLAYBOY 


conflict by delivering jabs in the form of 
a backhanded compliment. Example: 
“Hugh Hefner has fondled more play- 
mates than Michael Jackson.” 

Fuck: Throwing in an extra fuck here 
and there makes everything funnier. Ex- 
ample: “Nice tie, fuckface!” 

Milton Berle once told me that audi- 
ences only remember the home runs. I 
always try to hit home runs. Now you, 
too, have the knowledge. Go forth and 
carry a big shtick! 


FASHION IS THE FETISH 


For fashion fetish gear, nothing kicks 
ass like the clothing in Catherine Coat- 
ney's sexually charged catalog. It in- 
cludes such items as leather-and-Lycra 
anal underpants, a cupless leather bus- 
tier and a mesh-and-feather circle skirt. 
You're probably already a fan—her de- 
signs lent support to the tough chicks in 
such movies as The Matrix, Batman Forev- 
er and The Crow. We were delighted to 
review her designs at Astroglide's Night 
of Fashion, Fetish and Fun in West Hol- 


EXTREME X-COUNTRY 


While Crosska Backcountry 


individuals whe 
along trails of Up 
wheels carve ir 


(0 mph. The 
mhill turns 


cause wiping Ой 
than on powder 


Iywood. “Sexy things are always sexy— 
this is not a seasonal style,” says Coatney. 


BA B and D 


British Airways wants to know what 
happened to the 255 pairs of handcuffs 
it stocked to restrain unruly passengers. 
It has offered amnesty to any BA em- 
ployee who might care to return them. 
Тһе company's official line is classic 
corporate spin: "Clearly our crews 
are so professional, they 
practice the restraint proce- 
dures at home." A memo to 
employees in BA's in-house 
magazine, Cabin Crew Neus, 
however, was more to the 
point: "Your exotic prac- 
tices in the bedroom are 
your business, but please 
stick to the Ann Summers 
furry handcuffs. Replac- 
ing the ones from the re- 
straint kit is costing BA a 
fortune." 


SPACE UNAVAILABLE 


Prompted by the space 
tourist phenomenon, the In- 
ternational Space Station 
partnership has issued 
an official set of rules 
delineating who will be 
permitted on board its 
space station. Deemed 
astronauta non grata: 
anyone with a poor work 
record or poor mi 
record, anyone exhibiting 
criminal or dishonest tenden- 
cies, anyone guilty of lying or 
fraud and anyone who drinks too much. 
However, we can think of a few character 
types who would make far less de- 

sirable space companions. Such 

as: anyone who goes through 
more than two boxes of Gas-X 


“In one 
film | had to 
strap my breasts 
down and in 
another 
push them up.” 
—Hilary 
Swank 


per day. Anyone who giggles during 
training whenever the words coupling 
or Uranus аге used. Anyone named Osa- 
ma, Suge, Regis or Bugsy. Anyone who 
sweats gravy just lacing up his high-tops. 
Anyone who voted for Gore, invested in 
Enron or bet on the Rams. Anyone who 
asks what enemas are like when you're in 
zero gravity. And, most of all, anyone 

who even vaguely resembles Geraldo 
Rivera. 


NOBEL PIECE PRIZE 


Married men should be 
cheered by the findings of 
Professor Gustaaf Dekker 
of Australia's University of 
Adelaide. Dekker says that 
women can have safer and 
more successful pregnancies 
by—not to put too fine a 
point on it—giving head to 
daddy. Regular contact pri- 
or to pregnancy—particu- 
larly oral contact—will allow 
her immune system to ac- 
cept her lover's sperm. This, 
in turn, helps prevent high 
blood pressure and other 
health complications. Dek- 

ker also says semen's oral 

protective effect is strong- 
est if the woman swal- 
lows. Yes, it’s true, and 
you can clip this item, 
laminate it and keep it 
near the tissues. 


THE TIP SHEET 


Sex in the sheets: An $18 room- 

service item available at New York's 
W Times Square hotel. It consists of a 
pint of ice cream, chocolate and butter- 
scotch syrups, a bowl of whipped cream, 
marshmallows and a plastic bedsheet. 
For another $20, they'll toss in a Polar- 
oid throwaway camera. 


ever seen A breed о pure." 


"Genuine Russiad vodka 


D 


22 


Ebanned.net: An auction site for the 
регу in you. Enterprising young women, 
some skinny, some with a touch of avoir- 
dupois, sell their used pajamas, panties 
and wickedly sticky lollipops. 

Abe Grady: Emigrated in the 1860s 
from County Glare to the 
U.S., where he married a 
black woman and ultimate- 
ly became great-grandfa- 
ther of Cassius Clay. It's 
all according to genealo- 
gists at the County Clare 
Heritage Center, who now 
claim Ali as part fighting 
Irish. 

Vaginal photoplethysmo- 
graph: The medical re- 
search device inserted in- 
to the vagina to measure 
moisture and swelling in 
studies of female sexual 
arousal. Don't leave home 
without it. 

Branding iron: The U.S. 
military's efforts to come 
up with palatable code 
names for operations were 
rated by brand consultants 
at Master-McNeil. Among 
the dumb bombs: opera- 
tions Noble Obelisk, Pro- 
ductive Effort, Golden 
Pheasant and our fa- 
vorite, Nimrod Dancer. 

Nobscan.com: The penis as pup- 
pet, inkblot and lunar landscape, 
courtesy of guys who used to abuse 
copier machines. 

Strip Joint Grooves, Volumes 1 and 
2: Euro-trash house by Vincenzo, 
on the Dessous label. Perfect mu- 
sic for staring at the cover art. 


A KINSEY REPORT 


Indiana University Press had to 
look overseas for a printer willing 
to handle its new illustrated volume 
Sex and Humor: Selections From the N 


lusk) 


Kinsey Institute. The book finally was pro- 
duced by Kings Time Printing Press of 
Kowloon, Hong Kong—situated at 114 
King Fuk Street. 


WHAT THE CLUCK? 


Question: How many Philadelphians 
would rise before dawn to watch a bunch 
of slobs stuff them- 

selves with 
chicken 
wings to a 
point be- 
yond re- 
gurgi- 


tation? Answer: We may never know, 
because after 23,000 men, women and 
children crowded into Philadelphia s 
First Union Center, countless more 
were turned away. The event was Wing 
Bowl—a post-football season celebration 
of gluttony, lust and debauchery. It start- 
ed in 1993, after another disappointing 
season for the Philadelphia Eagles had 
ended. “We wanted to have something 
to look forward to that weekend,” says 
Angelo Cataldi, morning host on WIP- 
AM, a local sports-talk station. “A chick- 
en wing-cating contest was the dumb- 
est thing we could think of.” The first 
wingding drew 150 spectators to the lob- 
by of a local hotel. A few years later the 
crowds were so great the organizers 
moved it to a stadium. These days, it’s 
loaded with pomp and pulchritude. Con- 
testants arrived in gaudy outfits and nu- 
bile women served as cheerleaders. This 
year's winner— Bill “El Wingador" Sim- 
mons—bested a field of 29 by consum- 
ing 143 chicken wings in 30 minutes. "On- 
ly one of them blew lunch onstage this 
year," remarked Cataldi. "Still, it was a 
great Wing Bowl.” 


DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY 

You know you've made it in rock when 
there's a tribute band mimicking your 
songs. Now the current testament to 
greatness is having an all-girl tribute 
band worship your work. The Ramones 
have the Ramonas, Iron Maiden the 
Iron Maidens, U2 has Exit and Kiss has 
Kissexy. The heavyweight in the battle of 
the bands is AC/DC, which has at least 


WHY GIRLS SAY YES: 
REASON #23 


Because | was selfish: "You want to 
get me into bed, tell me that all 
you want to do is please me— 
me and only me, Pure Laura 
love. It'll do the trick instantly. 
Ladies love to be the center of 
attention, to be told that we're 
beautiful, wonderful and the on- 
ly one—especially when we're 
buck naked! This DJ guy | knew 
constantly told me he want- 
ed to please me orally and 
was explicit with the de- 
tails. | didn't find him at all 
atiractive—he was actual- 
ly rather repulsive. Still 
confidence aroused me. Did 
1 feel guilty for not wanting to 
reciprocate? Hell, no. If a guy 
wants to give me head, 
dulge him. | let him indulge іп 
his fantasy once, tWice, even 
three times. He came over, and | 
came over and over again 
—L.P, Tucson, Arizona 


ER 
online 


24 


AW 
SIGNIFICA 


QUOTE 

“That’s awesome 
for short, fat guys. 
It will look like I 
сап jump."—PrTTs- 
BURGH PIRATES OUT- 
FIELDER BRIAN GILES, 
ON THE 6-FOOT-HIGH 
LEFT FIELD FENCE AT 
PNC PARK 


BLOW WINDS BLOW 

Wind speed, in 
miles per hour, at 
which a tropical 
storm technically 
becomes a hurri- 
cane: 74. 


K-Y RATION 

According to a 
study by the man- 
ufacturer of K-Y 
Brand Liquid, the 
percentage of 
American men who 
selected Cameron 
Diaz as the top female star they would 
want to sleep with: 18. Percentage of 
American men who would most want 
to have sex with Michelle Pfeiffer: 14. 
Penelope Cruz: 11. Heather Graham: 
7. Tyra Banks: 6. 


CONTINENTAL DIVIDE 
Number of roller coasters in the 
world: 1281. Percentage of them situ- 
ated in North America: 49. 


RUSH HOUR III 
According to the Texas Transporta- 
tion Institute, the last year in which 
rush hour was actually 60 minutes 
long: 1970. Number of hours rush 
hour lasted in 1999: 3. 


SUGAR BOMBS 
Number of Pop-Tarts airlifted into 
Afghanistan by the U.S. during the 
first month of bombing: 2.4 million. 


STROKES OF GOOD FORTUNE 
According to a report in the British 
Medical Journal, number of orgasms 
per year that will reduce a man's like- 
lihood of suffering a fatal coronary by 
36 percent: 100. 


FLAGSHIP FLAG 
Price paid at an eBay auction for 
the world's heaviest U.S. flag (7.8 


INSIGNIFICA 


ATA 


TATS AND FAC 


tons, stretching 
411 feet in 
length and 210 
feet in width): 
$12,300. 


RUN INTO THE 
GROUND 

The percentage 
of shock-absorbing 
capacity lost by 
running shoes af- 
ter being worn for 
500 miles of run- 
ningorwalking: 80. 


HAVE A HAMMER 
Average cost to 
build a Habitat for 
Humanity home in 
the U.S.: $46,600. 
The lowest cost 
of building such a 
home in a develop- 
ing country: $800. 
Number of Habitat 
homes built around 
the globe since 1976: 100,000. 


HOT AND COLD 

According to the National Defense 
Council Foundation, number out of 
193 countries evaluated that had seri- 
ous conflicts during 2001; 59. Num- 
ber of conflicts in 2000: 68. Average 
number of conflicts during the Cold 
War years: 35. 


COST OF A FRONT ROW SEAT 
Price paid at auction for the 1948 
diesel-powered General Motors bus 
(formerly stripped and gutted and 
used as a toolshed) in which Rosa 
Parks refused to obey Alabama law 
one day in December 1955 and give 
up her seat to a white man, thus 
launching the civil rights move- 
ment: $492,000. 


BEWARE ENRONITIS 

Percentage of 401(k) plan par- 
ticipants who have borrowed mon- 
ey from their accounts: 20. Average 
outstanding balance of these loans: 


$6800. 


PRETAX, PRO-CHOICE 
The percentage of Americans with 
health insurance provided by their 
employers who are covered for abor- 
tion services: 37. —BETTY SCHAAL 


three cover bands: Hell's Belles, Whole 
Lotta Rosies and AC/DShe. We await the 
formation of Guns n’ Hos with Muff Mc- 
Kagan providing some bottom. 


STOCKS AND BARRY BONDS 


Trading baseball cards was good train- 
ing for buying and selling stocks. Now 
cardmaker Topps has brought together 
these manly pastimes. The company cel- 
ebrated its 50th birthday by unveiling 
Etopps, a service that allows you to trade 
sports cards online and cash out on 
smart trades. It all begins with an IPO— 
initial player offering—conducted on 
topps.com. Topps’ inaugural IPO last 
fall saw the limited release (5000 to 
12,500) of 10 different player cards. You 
won't find any latter-day Mario Men- 
dozas (he of the career 215 batting aver- 
age) in the bunch—think Jeter, Ripken, 
Gwynn and Bonds. Cards start out be- 
tween $3.50 and $9.50 and appreciate 
or depreciate over time, depending on 
whether your player chooses to flirt with 
400 or with strippers at the Gold Club. 
Barry Bonds debuted at $9.50 and rose 
to $31 when he broke McGwire's record, 
while Ripken went from $6.50 to $33 


DOWN MAMMARY LANE 


We couldn't I public ion of The 
Breast Book (Workman) go without 
comment. This ode to sweater 
puppies barely tweaks the tip of its 
subject. Not that we're knocking it, 
mind you. It has its 

well-formed insig 

and supports t| 

with some wond 

fully gauzy mater 


when he 
hung up 
his cleats for the last time. New IPOs 
come out each week, which means one of 
these days even the Devil Rays will have 
a player involved. 


INTERVIEW WITH 
THE WEBMASTER 


As the longtime publisher of Marvel 
Comics, Stan Lee is directly or indirectly 
responsible for some of our most famil- 
iar cultural icons—the Incredible Hulk, 


MINI DATA SHEET 


мАмЕ: MINI Cooper S 


LENGTE; 13.4" peront: 55-7" WEIGHT:2b78 lbs 


135 


HORSEPOWER: 1E3_ тор SPEE 
BIRTH DATE: January 15, 2002 руктнрідсе: Oxford, England 


АМВІТІОМ5:То turn every which way but back. 


TURN-ons;Hairpins, s-turns, switchbacks, on-ramps, off-ramps 


traffic circles, spiral parking ramps and British accents. 


TURNOFFS: Those severe tire damage things. 


SPECIAL TALENTS: Motoring down the highway and controlling the 
insect population. 
THE PERFECT PARTNER: Someone who's unafraid of a seasoned odometer. 


FAVORITE SCENT: Premium octane in the early morning. 


TEE END TO A PERFECT DAY: А hand-washing with warm, sudsy water and 


a nice wax 


SPARE TIME IS For: Helping less fortunate motorers in need of 


a jumpstart. 


PHRASE TO LIVE By; idle wheels are the devil's workshop. 


=== 
Celebrating а міп at 
Monte Carlo in 'b4 


More than a Cruising down Upper 
handsome exterior Grand in L.A. 


MINI'S MOTORING SPOTS 


The following suggestions of roads and pit stops 
have been made by fans of MINI. Thanks for й 
contributions, everyone. 


Southeast 


here's no debating it. If you have the means 
and the nerves, go to Deal's Gap, Tapoco, NC, 
a.k.a. Tail of the Dragon. OK, its officially 
called US Highway 129. But with 318 turns in 
11 miles, the nickname fits it well. A lot of 
sport bike racers go here to test their skills and 
Courage. In other words, it's perfect if you 
have a MINI. Plus, it's опе of the only 
stretches of road that has its own web site. 
(www.dealsgap.com) 


Alter that ride, you'll want to catch your 
breath. Head over to Highway 441 near 
Waynesville, NC. The view of the Smokey 
Mountains will put you at ease. Surely all this 
motoring will make you hungry. Pop in to 
Henry's Smokehouse on North Main St. in 
Simpsonville, SC. Someone once said this was 


the best BBQ in the world. Nobody argued. 


Northeast 


New England during autumn. You don't get 
much more beautiful than that. Sometime in 
October, hit I-91 in Vermont, along the New 
Hampshire border. You'll get an eye-widening 
look at the colorful foliage of the turning 
seasons, Or head down Route 126 near 
Concord, MA and view the picturesque 
countryside that inspired Henry David 
Thoreau to write Walden. A pile of stones 
marks the spot where the poct spent time in 


the 1800's. 


If beautiful machinery is more your scene, 
cruise down the Berlin Turnpike in 
Newington, CT. Friday and Saturday are Pike 
Nights where a variety of automotive style and 
power gathers under the golden arches to 
check-out and be checked-out. Have faith in 
your ride and you'll make it through okay. 


Take a ride along Route 97 from Port Jervis to 
Hancock, NY. Or as locals call it, the Hawk's 
Nest. You'll hug the rock cliffs through a series 
of S-turns. The overlooking view of the 
thousand foot drop-off to the Delaware River 
will make you wonder why you don't motor 
here more often. 


Midwest 

If you've never heard of Amelia, OH you're 
not alone. But after motoring along Route 
125 towards Portsmouth through more than 
100 miles of switchbacks, hair pins, whoop-de- 
doos and the occasional wicked straightaway, 
you'll want to name your next child Amelia. 


The midwest is home to thousands of out-of- 
the-way eateries. The Louisburg Cider Mill 
along Route 69 in Kansas has to be one of the 
best. The fresh apple cider and cider donuts 
are terrific. You can even see how they're 
made. Just promise not to say “We're not in 
Kansas anymore” when you leave the state. It 


gets old really fast. 


West 


For sheer visual pleasure, it's hard to top US 
50 in the Colorado Rockies, between 
Gunnison and Montrose. As if thousands of 
feet of elevation overlooking mountains and 
lakes and forests weren't enough, the road 
curves and winds through enough hairpins to 
give your neck hairs a little exercise. 


N 


Ifyou ever find yourself near Bakersfield, CA, 
there're two sights that'll have you reaching 
for your camera. First, the Jumbo Jet 
Graveyard which is, well, a graveyard for 
jumbo jets. Then you've got fields of 
hundreds of wind turbines that stretch on for 
miles. A sight you need to see to fully grasp. 


Just south of San Francisco, in a little town 
called Pescadero, there’s a General Store that 
sells fresh, tasty artichoke bread. As it just so 
happens they also sell wine. And there’s a 
beach nearby that somehow seems incomplete 
without a pair of beach chairs and a bit of 
romance. 


Everyone knows the fun that can be had 
motoring through the hills of San Francisco, 
but be sure to take a ride up to Twin Peaks. 
The road to get to the summit is long and 
twisty, and the view of the city below beats any 
postcard you'll ever find. 


For more information on MINI, or motoring, or 
motoring in a MINI, visit MINIUSA.COM. If you 
have a good motoring spot or story to tell, head to 
MINIUSA.COM/MotoringStory. 


BLUEPRINTS FOR LIVING 


qum 
Nasen, 


SS 
SS 


the X-Men and the Fantastic Four. He 
has also influenced a generation of writ- 
ers and filmmakers (“Stan and 1 do the 
same thing, only my pictures move,” Ste- 
ven Spielberg said). With the arrival of 
the movie Spider-Man, we talked with Lee 
about literacy, the future of puny hu- 
mans, and nonmutant flat scans. 
When you started, comics were 
blamed for everything from juve- 
nile delinquency to illiteracy. 
How does it feel now that 
you get respect from Hol- 
lywood heavies and U.S. 
presidents (Ronald Reagan 
and George Bush are Mar- 
vel fans)? 

It's funny, and not on- 
ly because comics have 
become part of popular 

| culture. We always used 
IX to get the opposite reac- 
“For Human tion from people than 


Nature, | you'd think. We'd get let- 
` came up ters from parents con- 
with this pu- gratulating us for help- 
| “bic Tug, or ing their kids read. One 
hairpiece, of the things we insist- 
whichwas са on was using college- 
‘slitohed onfo level vocabulary words in 
fies, our stories. We figured 
ÎÎ Was totally that if we used words 
my idea. I like catatonic and misan- 
fhinktnepu- thropic, the worst thing 
‘bic hoirpiece that would happen was 
caused quife that they'd run to the 
astin espe- dictionary and look them 
CiallyWhen! up. We had teachers tell- 
Was posing ing us their students were 
for publici developing reading skills 
ty photos. from our comics. So we 
The guys always felt we were per- 
couldnt fake. forming a public service. 
‘their eyes Off. I think the entire comic 
Patricia industry should be tax- 

_ Arquette exempt. 
What makes a character 

popular? 


There are a lot of reasons. The Silver 
Surfer appeals to readers because of his 
philosophy. Here's a guy from another 
world who speculates on man's inhu- 
manity to man and the way we squander 
our resources. The X-Men are popular 


| page. They give you helpful ad- 
Vice on how to build a fire or 


“is now СНМ оп Caden 
| Publishing. We particularly 
like the snoppy cover. 


because of the alienation factor. 
They want to help people, yet they are 
harassed and hunted because they are 
different, And Spider-Man is Everyman. 
Before we created Spider-Man, there 
were no superheroes who worried about 
things like earning 


a living, paying college tuition or get- 
ting dates. 

What do you think of the current spate of 
movies based on comic books? 

These days superheroes don't have to 
worry about getting embarrassed with 
low-budget productions. Cinematogra- 
phy has advanced to where it now сап do 
justice to comics. No matter how wild it 
is, there is nothing that you can think 
of that they can't do in a movie today. 
There are some older movies that 1 wish 
had been able to do that. The Captain 
America movie was low-budget and I was 
disappointed. Back then there wasn't a 
budget for comic movies. Now produc- 
ers realize how big an audience these 
projects have, and they have budgets of 
$60 million to $100 million. Blade was 
great. X-Men was sensational. And I ex- 
pect Spider-Man to be even better. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


Donna Ай 
isn't yel a house- 
hold náme in the 
U.S., bit the Brit- 
ish tabloids have 

chronicled hef 
hell-raising for 
Years. "I've don& 
enbugh pdrtyifig 
far the wHolelof 
Me next millenhi- 

" says We 22- 

X xu oktress. 

In 1995 Donna’ 
forged the pop 
duo Crysh, but the 
band'$ album en- 
joyed limited suc- 
cess, "We were 
big ini Japan and 
Texas," Donna told 
a British lad mog- 
azine. “I know 
what things I'm 
good at, and 
singing isn't one of 
them!” She then 
presented videos, 
instead of making 
therh, on Britibh 
MTv.Shá hod 
smallfoles in 
small films, as well 
as a blink-and- 
you'll-miss-her 
turr os а showgirl 
in The Mummy Re- 
turns, Ambition 
and an older boy- 
і friend haven't 
tanjed this wildcat, 
have my fluffy] 
kitten moments 
andimy liger mo- 
ments,” she purrs. 


31 


32 


By LEONARD MALTIN 


WHEN WALT DISNEY outwitted the finan- 
ciers, pundits and naysayers and scored 
a hit with his first animated feature, Snow 
White and the Seven Dwarfs, the world 
clamored for more. But Disney didn't 
want to repeat himself and refused to 
make a sequel to Snow White 

The same cannot be said for his mod- 
ern-day counterparts, 
even at the Disney stu- 
dio, where contrived 
follow-ups to such clas- 
sics as Lady and the 
Tramp and Cinderella 
roll off the assem- 
bly line and onto vid- 
eo store shelves on 
a regular basis. (You 
mean, the story of Cin- 
derella didn't end at 
midnight?) 

Sequels have always 
existed, but more as 
exceptions than as 
rules. That began to 
change in the Eighties, 
when movies included 
everything from Jaws: 
The Revenge to Polter- 
geist Il] to seven—count 
"em—Police Academy 
movies, as well as end- 
less returns of Freddie Krueger. 

Few of these rip-ofís came close to the 
box-office success of the original films, 
until Hollywood decided to put more 
muscle and money into its sequels. Thus 
the franchise was born, which has yield. 
ed the likes of the Lethal Weapon series. 

This summer we're in for a slew of se- 
quels, many of them featuring the same 
talent (on both sides of the camera) as 
their forerunners: Men in Black 2, Austin 
Powers 3, Stuart Little 2, Spy Kids 2: The Island 


of Lost Dreams and, of course, Star Wars 
Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (which, in 
fairness, George Lucas has always envi- 
sioned as part of a six-episode story). 
Not too far down the line we'll see Hal- 
loween: Resurrection, Star Trek: Nemesis, 
Once Upon a Time in Mexico: Desperado 2, 
Charlie’s Angels 2, X-Men 2, The Matrix Re- 
loaded, Meet the Fockers and Analyze That, 
plus, of course, the next installments of 
The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. 

Is this truly the state of mainstream 
moviemaking? Do Hollywood executives 


Another round of Men in Black 
and Star Wars. 


really believe audiences want 
the same thing over and over? 
They'll have reason to believe 
just that, unless audiences 
make each sequel stand on its 
own and not show up in droves 
for opening weekend, regard- 
less of the new movie's merits. 


CURRENT FILMS 


About a Boy casts Hugh Grant as a he- 
donistic, bed-hopping Londoner who 
thinks only of himself until fate brings 
a lonely 12-year-old boy into his life. 
Against his better judgment, Grant finds 
himself actually caring about the kid. 
Based on a book by Nick Hornby (High 
Fidelity), this tragicomedy manages to 
touch chords about the messiness of re- 
al life without losing its sense of humor. 
This is also the kind of film that makes 


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34 


you care enough 
about the characters 
to overlook credi- 
bility gaps. Grant 
couldn't be more 
perfect in the lead- 
ing role, and Nich- 
olas Hoult is en- 
dearing and believ- 
able as the neglect- 
ed boy who learns 
to stand up for 
himself. Filmmak- 
ers Chris and Paul 
Weitz score points 
for humanism with 
this likable film, 
which goes a little 
way toward making up 
for their last endeavor, Down to Earth. 
It will take more to compensate for 
making anyone sit through The Salton 
Sea, another of the seemingly endless 
moyies named for California locations 
no one outside the area knows or cares 
about. Val Kilmer plays a druggie who 
leads a disheveled life because—it turns 
out—he's really a stoolie for the LAPD. 
But that’s not the whole story, either. As 
this film noir wannabe unfolds, we learn 
the simplistic back story that has brought 
Kilmer to this unhappy place. Mean- 
while, we spend quality time with an as- 
tonishing array of scummy characters, 
played by such talented people as Antho- 
ny LaPaglia and Vincent D'Onofrio. 
Triumph of Love is a queer duck of a 
movie, based on a French play by Pierre 
Marivaux, first performed in the 18th 
century. It's a hybrid of romantic come- 
dy and farce, based on mistaken identity 
and gender confusion: In other words, 
it’s the kind of thing that works much 


\ 
Rachel Weisz sets Hugh 
Grant straight. | 


better onstage than on film. Undeterred, 
director Clare Peploe has done her best 
to transform the material, with the help 
оба willing cast led by Ben Kingsley and 
Fiona Shaw. But only Mira Sorvino tran- 
scends the innate silliness of the materi- 
al. Her glowing presence and total com- 
mitment to her character—a princess 
who disguises herself as a man, then 
woos both men and women at an Italian 
villa—makes the film worth seeing. 

Then there’s the New Zealand import 
Rain, the kind of film that takes its time, 
makes its points quietly—often oblique- 
ly—and seems more interesting in retro- 
spect than it does while you're watching 
it. This mood piece deals with a family 
running from reality, living at the beach 
as Dad rebels against conformity, Mom 
seeks solace in drink, a little boy lives in 
a cocoon of innocence and his sister tries 
to understand what makes them all tick 
as she deals with her adolescence. 


SCENE STEALER 


MIRA SORVINO. 


I'm renovating my 
house.” 15 MOVIE- 
MAKING IN EUROPE 
DIFFERENT FROM THAT 
IN AMERICA? “Definitely. 
There is a more relaxed 
feeling. There is wine 
at every meal—that’s a 
huge difference. I think 


, you 
Were bad And ac 
ally had a little girl 
come up to me in the 
Louvre a few months 
ago and start doing my 
lines from Romy and 
Michele, 1 was so flat- 
tered. It was so cute, and 
she said, ‘Yeah, I've seen 
it 50 times.” 


SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 

About a Boy Hugh Grant is perfectly 
cast as a London swinger who finds 
himself becoming a surrogate father 
to a 12-year-old boy in this adaptation 
of the Nick Hornby novel. A first-rate 
tragicomedy. УУУ 
Big Trouble Tim Allen heads а first-rate 
comic ensemble in this adaptation of 
Dave Barry's novel about Florida char- 
acters whose lives collide. There are 
many laugh-out-loud moments here, 
but they peter out too soon. Rene Rus- 
so co-stars. Wh 
Festival in Cannes Filmmaker Henry Ja- 
glom's improvisational style is well 
showcased in this multicharacter mosa- 
ic that’s set against the backdrop of the 
Cannes Film Festival. Greta Scacchi, 
Anouk Aimée, Ron Silver, Maximilian 
Schell and Zac Norman star. yyy 
Panic Room Jodie Foster plays a di- 
vorced woman who hides with her 
daughter in the steel-encased “safe 
room” of their new Manhattan brown- 
stone when three creeps invade the 
house. David Fincher directed this en- 
tertaining thriller, but if he had writ- 
ten the script he might have dodged 
the all-too-conventional Hollywood 
finale. yyy 
Rain A New Zealand adolescent tries 
to deal with coming of age in a dys- 
functional family. This thoughtful, 
low-key film may not be a knockout, 
but it gets you thinking. Wh 
The Scolton Sea Val Kilmer plays a drug- 
gie who informs for the police in 
this dreary, derivative film noir that 
wastes the talents of Anthony La- 
Paglia, Vincent D'Onofrio and other 
good actors. Y 
Showtime Robert De Niro and Eddie 
Murphy play an odd couple thrown 
together for a TV reality series about 
Los Angeles cops—but the idea runs 
out of steam much too soon, despite 
the stars' best efforts. УУ 
The Time Machine Guy Pearce is а fine 
actor, but not the right guy to play the 
stalwart leading man of this H.G. 
Wells story —which is just one reason 
this enjoyable but forgettable remake 
isn’t better than it is. Wh 
Triumph of Love Mira Sorvino and Ben 
Kingsley head the cast of this 18th 
century French comedy about gen- 
der-bending and mistaken identity — 
the kind of material that plays much 
better onstage. Sorvino's ebullience 
adds a lot to the mix. Wh 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


УУУУ Don't miss 
УУУ Good show 


Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. 
Unless she’s irresistible. 


36 


1 


car. 


toonist R. Crumb, and 
last year's Ghost 
World. “My favorites 
are Scarlet Street by 
Fritz Lang, The Asphalt 
Jungle by John Hus- 
ton and the original 
Blue Ang Ow, 
that's a beautiful film." 
The outsider feeling extends to some of 
the San Francisco-based filmmaker's con- 
temporary favorites. “| love Woody Allen's 
Crimes and Misdemeanors and Scor- 
sese's King of Comedy. | like Kubrick a 
lot—Barry Lyndon and Lolita are great. 
And everything by Sam Fuller, especially 
The Big Red One.” — LAURENCE LERMAN 


SEMINAL SIN-EMA 


Тос Sarno's 1967 erotic drama Inga, star- 
ring long-limbed ballerina Marie Li 
dahl, makes its way onto DVD this spring. 
bringing to mind other groundbreaking 
films that are now coming-of-age rituals. 
Get out your hankies. 

Behind the Green Door (1972): The amaz- 
ing Marilyn Chambers is pleasured from 
all directions by women, then pleasures 
several men while being pleasured from 
below. Pure pleasure, despite the rough- 
hewn production. 

The Opening of Misty Beethoven (1976): If 
you want plot in your porn, try this: A 
prostitute (Constance Money) is turned 
into a high-society call girl by sexologist 
Seymour Love (Jamie Gillis). Brilliant. 
Radley Metzger’s masterpiece added el- 
egance to porn and made it chic. 

In the Realm of the Senses (1976): Sexual 
obsession between geisha and master 
turns bad, with grim consequences for 
опе man’s penis. Worse, it's based on a 
true story. 

Emmonvelle (1974): Sylvia Kristel became 
a sex icon for her portrayal of the bored 
wife of an aristocrat who finds fulfillment 
(again and again) in the arms of oth- 
er men—and women. Before this one, 
few films had girl-on-girl kissing, much 
less sex. 

Betty Blue (1986): Béatrice Dalle and Jean- 
Hugues Anglade have a sexually obses 
sive relationship that borders on mad- 


ness. In the end, that's not necessarily a 
good thing. But until then, it's damned 
hot. Hard to find, but worth looking for 
The Lover (1991): Not quite porn, but so 
hot it's blue. Schoolgirl Jane March has a 
burning, secret and, of course, forbid- 
den affair with older, wealthy, engaged 
businessman Tony Leung Ka Fai in his 
“bachelor room” in Twenties’ Saigon. 
Make sure that you get the contortionist- 
approved unrated version. 

Tokyo Decadence (1992): In this allegory 
depicting the sexual politics of modern 
Japan, Miho Nikaido plays Ai, a hooker 
put through her S&M paces with several 
johns. Allegory? Who cares? You'll watch 
it for the great anal sex scene. 

Romance (1999): The title is ironic, as 
there is no romance in Caroline Ducey's 
starkly photographed sexual encoun- 
ters. The graphic depictions of her one 
night stands have been hailed as femi- 
nist-cinema landmarks. OK, so where's 
the sequel? — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


GUILTY 
PLEASURE 


To mark the 25th 

anniversary of 

Martin Scorse- 

se's film of the 

Band's farewell 

concert, The 

Last Waltz, 

MGM has re- 

leased a Spe- 

cial Edition 

DVD. The 16x9 

digital transfer has the original ste- 

reo mix as well as a new digital mix in 5.1 
surround sound, supervised by Robbie Rob- 
ertson. Bonus material includes previous- 
ly unseen jam footage and performances. 
There are two full-length commentaries, 
one featuring Robertson and Scorsese do- 
ing a shot-by-shot narrative; the second 
has Levon Helm, Garth Hudson and others 
deconstructing lyrics and telling stories 
about the group and its final concert. The 
Last Waltz closed the most fertile era in 
American rock music. This film is an elo- 
quent, bittersweet testament. 


DISC ALERT 


Finally, those art-house heroes Joel 
and Ethan Coen have recorded a DVD 


commentary—for their tasty, Forties-fla- 
vored The Man Who Wasn't There (USA, 
$27) —and it's a delight from start to fin- 
ish. Not that it clears up which brother is 
which. The first voice you hear is unmis- 
takably that of Billy Bob Thornton, who 
stars as the cuckolded barber whose plan 
to blackmail his wife's lover turns trag- 
ic, Then Ethan, the producer brother, 
chimes in. Or maybe it's Jocl, the direc- 
tor. The lack of scene-setting fanfare 
from either the star or the siblings (who 


three primary collaborators reveal lots of 
what they gigglingly refer to as "secret 
shit." Tasty tidbits abound, from the fact 
that the film was shot in color but print- 
ed in black and white. They also recall 
scenes and takes that were either dropped 
or never shot, such as an early scene in 
which Thornton's character nonchalant- 
ly witnesses an alien landing. Alas, one 
take they shot but didn't use: Thornton, 
condemned, looks at the electric chair 
ys "You've got to be fucking kid- 


co-write their scripts) sets the tone for " Guess we'll have to wait for 


this breezy two-hour viewing, as the film's 


MOOD 


Ocean's 11 (Clooney. Pitt and company take Las Vegas: 
Steven Soderbergh's Rat Pack redux has style to burn), Harry 
Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (the J.K. Rowling phenomenon 
goes cinematic; several magic moments). 


BLOCKBUSTER 


Gosford Park (director Robert Altman subverts the Upstairs, 
Downstairs-styled whodunit with Yankee panache; a must- 
see). The Sidewalks of New York (Iriple-threat Ed Burns convo- 
lutes a trio of Gotham couples; talky but true). 


COMEDY 


Monster's Вай (racist guard goes soft over executed killer's 
widow; Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thomton make il eerily real); 
Ali (Will Smith floats and stings like the real thing; Michael 
Mann's riveting film is а punch or two shy of a KO) 


Vanilla Sky (Tom Cruise—caught cattin—is disfigured and 
sent in search of his soul; Cameron Crowe remakes Open 
Your Eyes), Tape (two guys and a girl in a hotel room dig at 
old high school wounds; Ethan Hawke's best performance). 


RELATIONSHIPS: 


THE HARD PART'S UP TO YOU 


COMING SOON. WE KNOW YOU WISH YOU WERE. 


38 


music 


BONNIE RAITT is a national treasure, and 
Silver Lining (Capitol) may be her finest 
work yet. A joyous passion animates еу- 
ery song. Raitt's exquisite slide and sexy 
vocals have never sounded better. 

—VIC GARBARINI 


Alice Peacock’s ethereal 
voice lends itself to story- 
telling, and her smart song- 
writing drives Alice Peacock 
(Aware). On Alabama Boy, 
she sings, “You speak the 
language of hunger” with 
the conviction of experi- 
ence. Smart money for a 
breakout single is Lead- 
ing With My Heart. 

— DAVE HOEKSTRA 


If you're a writer or 
a passionate reader, The 
Neal Pollack Anthology of 
American Literature (Blood- 
shot) is devastatingly fun- 
ny and plain devastating. 
Pollack has an ear for cli- 
ché and the wit to skew- 
er literary culture. The 
background folk mu- 
sic by the Pine Valley 
Cosmonauts enables Pol- 
lack's spoken-word cynicism to go wher- 
ever it wishes. There's nothing to 
along with, but it's hard to sing while 
you're laughing. — CHARLES M. YOUNG 


оч 


Loud and gruff, Mystikal's voice is not 
one yow'd think would work in hip-hop. 
Still, on Tarantula (Jive), he really gets the 
party started. Bouncin' Back is a great, 
funky cut. —NELSON GEORGE 


The fusion quintet Weather Report 
used compositional brilliance to create 
the most dynamic and exciting 
jazz band of the Seventies. The 
Best of Weather Report (Legacy) pro- 
vides а good enough introduc- 
tion, but it's mistitled. The band's 
best is actually the 1974 disc, 
Mysterious Traveller, an unassail- 


fast tracks 


not McKean play 


able mix of sound and fury now reis- 
sued by the same label. —NEIL TESSER 


After two albums of Woody Guthrie 
songs, Billy Bragg returns on England, 
Half English (Elektra) with his own stuff, 
and gives credit to the Blokes, his road 
band. They make this his most appealing 
album of originals. —DAVE MARSH 


The D.O.C. is a fascinating figure. The 
early gangsta star's vocal cords were 
damaged in a car accident. Then he be- 
came a lyricist for Dr. Dre, Snoop and 
some of the Dogg Pound, having never 
fully regained his voice. Duece (Silver- 
back), recorded with a slew of young 
MGs, is bittersweet, and recommended 
for dedicated hip-hop heads. NG. 


‘Tjinder Singh loves his par- 
ents’ Indian music, but he 
also loves alterna- 
tive rock and dance 
music. He and his 
band, Cornershop, 
have combined those 
influences in their 
rhythms and their 


А T Christgau | Garbarini 

Коко 9 6 9 7 | 8 
6 8 5 9 8 

Neal Pollack 

Peron erent 4 7 7 8 9 
7 5 7 8 2 

Bonnie вай 

Sliver Lining S 9 8 6 7 


folkies past their prime in a new mov- 
ie. NEWSBREAKS: Movin’ Out, a musical 
ої Billy Joel songs, will open in Chicago 
before heading for Broadway in Octo- 
ber. . А rock opera using Spring- 
steen songs—sanctioned by the Boss— 
is in the works. The director showed the 
piece, called Drive All Night, to Bruce 
this past spring. In other Springsteen 
news: Nils Lofgren says the band has 
been recording, even though it could 
be months before a CD is ready. . . . 
Save June 15-16 for the Playboy Jazz 
Festival at the Hollywood Bowl. . . . 
Nancy Sinatra’s new CD, California Girl, 
has Brian Wilson on a cover of you- 


know-what. 
— BARBARA NELLIS 


catchy tunes. On 
Handcream for a 
Generation (Beg- 
gars Banquet), his 
songwriting now 
displays more 
range than ever. 
—ROBERT 
CHRISTGAU 


Who cares if Lazy Lester's bayou boo- 
gie hasn't changed much. Even Jimmie 
Vaughan, on Blues Stop Knockin’ (An- 
tone's), can't update it. Who would want 
to change that, anyway? —ом. 


Pianist Ramsey Lewis has returned to 
his roots, leading an acoustic trio that 
stars bassist Larry Gray. On Meant to Be 
(Narada), they're joined by vocalist Nan- 
cy Wilson, who can still swing. мл 


It's no surprise that Dead Man Walking 
(Erato) became an opera; it is a surprise 
that it's so good. Composer Jake Heggie 
puts the San Francisco Opera through 
its paces, and Susan Graham shines as 
Sister Helen. — LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


If adults want rock written for them, 
all they need to do is listen to Patty Grif- 
fin. She's better known as a songwriter 
than as a singer, but 1000 Kisses (ATO) 
might change that. Her 
bluesy voice 
and brilliant 
phrasing on 
Lonnie John- 
son's Tomorrow 
Night and Spring- 
steen's Stolen Car 
are powerful, but 
it's the original 
songs that will grip 
you. —DM. 


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BE A PC RADIO PIRATE 


Pirate radio stations have had short life spans 
over the years, typically ending when the FCC 
visits and confiscates equipment and record 
collections. While pirate stations such as Ra- 
dio Free Euphoria (hosted by Captain Ganja), 
Voice of the Angry Bastard and Radio Bingo 
can still be heard sporadically, inexpensive 
plug-and-play computer technology has 
rge in unlicensed FM radio stations. 
With a PC-MAX card from PCS Electronics 
and a home PC, anyone can fire up a pirate 
FM station. The lowest power setting limits ra- 
dio range to your house and yard. But a few 
more mouse clicks crank up the power to an 
illegal (in the U.S.) one-watt station that will 
reach listeners a mile away. Folks looking for a 


meanta 


GAME OF THE MONTH 


Just ask Jackie Chan fans: The best parts 
of any blockbuster are the stunts. And 
for tough guys, stuntman is the world's 
best job—second only to profession 
al wrestler. In homage to these Holly- 
wood daredevils, Infogrames has creat- 
ed Stuntman for PlayStation 2. To meet 
the demands of a pushy director, players 
are expected to perfectly execute stunts 
such as timed jumps, 
barrel rolls and 
T-bone smashes in 
cars and armored 
transports, and on 
bikes and other ve- 
hicles. You'll start 
out аз а rookie driv- 


er and, with the 
proper movie ap- 
pearances, earn 
your billing as a 
star performing 
stunt-double work 


legal way to broadcast should check out Ramsey Electronics’ $100 MP3 Stereo 
Broadcaster Kit. It can transmit your home stereo's CD player, turntable or 
tape deck over any frequency on the FM band. It also connects to your com- 
puter's sound card, so any sound coming from your PC will be broadcast to 
nearby FM radios. For swashbucklers who start their own pirate stations, be 
forewarned: Neighbors may call with requests. And if a licensed station gets 


wind of that, it’s likely to call the radio police to raid your ship. 


IRIS SECURITY 


London's Heathrow Airport, the world's 
busiest international hub, has its eye 
on iris-recognition technology to tighten 
airport security, In a five-month trial by 


—LAZLOW. 


laser or potentially harmful light is in- 
volved. Iris-recognition stations are op- 
erating in the Virgin Atlantic lounge: 
New York's JFK and Washington, D. 
Dulles airports. —BETH TOMKIW 


for popular movie 

characters. Movies 
are shot in six different locations, each 
based on real blockbuster film sets, in- 
cluding London, Bangkok and Egypt. 
Don't be surprised if Stuntman looks fa- 
miliar: It was developed by the team be- 
hind the Driver series —JASON BUHRMESTER 


EyeTicket currently under way at Heath 
row, as many as 2000 Americans and Ca- 
nadians flying on British Airways and 
Virgin Atlantic Airways into the UK will 
gain entry by staring into a small cam- 

era that recognizes their 
irises to identify 
them. The digi- 


; : The attempts to combine a PDA with o cell 
wild thing phone have ot least been interesting, if not al- 

ways practical. The latest, and possibly most 
clever, proliferation is Danger’s Hiptop (about $200). The compact device has 
16 megs ofRAM and uses a hinged 2.6-inch LCD that rotates out to reveal a hid- 
den keyboard for camposing messages and entering personal information 


tal camera The Hiptop can send and receive instant messages 
takes an im- and e-mail (with PDF, Word and image attach- 
age of the | ments), browse the web and organize your 
iris, con- schedule and contacts. To navigate the sys- 


lern's menus, Danger has integrated a 
push wheel and jump button. The 
push wheel will alsa glow in dif- 

ferent colors to alert you to 
incoming calls and mes- 

sages. The company is 

planning to release a digi- 

tal camera attachment that 


verts it into 

code and 

compares 
the code with 
information 
stored on a data- 
base to find a match. 
No passport is required and no ticket is 
necessary. The system is also capable of 
expediting check-in, visa processing and 
registration at the hotel. То participate, 
passengers enroll at airport-based clubs. 
How safe can we feel with this type of 
identification system in place? Seriously 
safe, according to EyeTicket. Iris recog- 
nition offers a significant level of detail, 
which is vital for identifying people. The 
iris has 240 unique areas (compared 
with the face, which has about 80, and 
fingerprints, which have 20 to 40). The 
technology is also more hygienic since it 
requires no contact with the body. The 
procedure is considered to be as safe for 
your irises as being videotaped, as по 


will connect to the Hipiap's 
accessory port. 48. 


WHERE AND 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 


THE REUNIONATOR 


People don't like to pay for content on the Internet. The on- 
ly online stuff anyone willingly pays for falls in the categories 
of hot sex or hard cash. But Classmates.com has people pull- 
ing out their credit cards for an opportunity to reunite with 
former high school and college friends. With up to 6.5 bil- 
lion banner ads every month imploring folks to visit the web- 
site, Classmates has registered more than 27 million people. 
1 logged on and looked up my alma mater, Boulder High 
School in Colorado, and I recognized the names оба bunch of 
old pals, including one I'd been trying to find for the past 10 


years. 1 clicked on his name and a window popped up. The 
screen told me I could contact him by buying a one-year gold 
membership for $36. Pretty steep, but they had me over a 


barrel. As soon as I 
submitted my credit 
card number, Class- 
mates sent my mes 
sage to the guy. Ina 
couple of days, he 
e-mailed me back. 
‘Turns out he lives in 
Vietnam (no wonder 
nobody knew what 
happened to him) 
Since then, Гуе cor- 
responded with half 
a dozen old high 
school friends—not 
bad for just 36 bucks. 
Classmates.com has more than 2 million subscribers, and 
50,000 new members sign up every day. 


snopes.com 


SPAMCOP GETS SMARTER 


Last year I started using a service called SpamCop (spam 
cop.nct) to keep junk mail from hitting my in box. It worked 
well—too well. It filtered a small amount of regular e-mail, 
too, so I stopped using it. But SpamCop improved its filtering 
system, and I tried it again. The new application catches about 
95 percent of the junk mail sent to me and hasn't filtered out 
a single legitimate e-mail. SpamCop has a new flat-rate price 
of $30 a year—far cheaper than the old billing system, which 
charged by volume. So long, spam! 


TURNING THE TABLE ON E-MAIL SCAM ARTISTS 


If you've had an e-mail account for a while, there's a good 
chance you've been hit with one of those Nigerian 
e-mails. They come in a few flayors, but the basic story is the 
same. The con artist pretends he is the heir to a large fortune 
that can’t be moved out of a bank in Nigeria or Sierra Leone 
without the assistance of a kindly foreigner. The con artist 
promises you a large cut of the money if you provide your 
bank account number. Of course, if you get duped into the 


40 con, the scammer will start asking you to wire him money to 


take care of legal snags and pay bribes to officials. Before you 
know it, he'll have tapped you dry and moved on to the next 
sucker. In 1997, the U.S. Secret Service said victims of the 
scam had been fleeced for more than $100 million in a lite 
over a year. You can read all about the origins of the scam at 
Snopes.com (snopes2.com/inboxer/scams/nigeria.htm), the 
terrific urban-legend clearinghouse. There’s also a funny ac- 
count of a guy who turned the tables on one of these con 
artists. He pretended to fall for the scam and then made the 
con artist run through hoops: buddyweiserman.com. 


HAVE SPIES SNEAKED ONTO YOUR PC? 


When is a free program not free? When it comes loaded with 
time bombs, also known as spyware or scumware. These 
sneaky applications are bundled with popular file-sharing 
programs such as BearShare and Audiogalaxy. Once they get 
onyour hard drive, they can take control of your browser, de- 
livering a barrage of annoying pop-up ads. Even more sinister 
are the spyware programs that can track where you go on the 
web and collect information from 
your online forms. These privacy- 
invading programs are also expen- 


| Sexual Intelligence" 


an electronic newsletter written and published 
by Marty Klein, Ph.D. 


sive and difficult to 
remove from your 
system. Simply un- 
installing the orig- 
inal application 
won't get rid of the 
spyware. If you've 
used any file-sharing applications 
on your PC, you should download 
Ad-aware, a free removal utility that 
scans your computer and safely zaps 
malicious scumware. The first time I 
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SEX BLOG 


Sexual Intelligence (sexualintelligence.org), published by 
PLAYBOY contributor Marty Klein, is a smart monthly electron- 
ic newsletter that covers sex-related events, news and trends 
around the world. Klein’s insightful, often funny commentary 
has made me a regular reader. Klein will answer any question 
you might have about sex at sexed.org/askme.html. 


QUICK HITS 


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UNCLE SAM’S NEPHEW 


“1 ат a nomad, son of an ancient line of nomads,” writes Eric 
Haney, command sergeant major, U.S. Army, retired, at the 
beginning of his compelling memoir, Inside Delta Force: The Sto- 
ry of America’s Elite Counterterrorist Unit (Delacorte). “What did I 
receive from this lineage?” Haney continues. “A good raw in- 
tellect and a good tough body. A sense 
of independence and a realization that 

X wherever I am is my home." And 
DS get from Hancy's 
account of Delta Force's creation 
from the ground up? They get an 

X insider's look at how our coun- 
terterrorism forces are se- 
lected, tested, deployed and 

led. “In order to become 
experts al counterterror- 

ism,” Haney states, “we 

had to first become ex- 

pert terrorists.” He goes 

a on to describe in detail 
the elements of his education as 
=” a terrorist, from weapons training to 
demolitions to the niceties of killing, maim- 
ing and sniping. After that, he takes the reader into 

the field in such dangerous places as Lebanon, Central 
America and Grenada. This is a book that you won't want 
to put down. — ASA BABER 


'AGNIFICENT 
OBSESSIONS 


The Bicycle: Boneshokers, Highwheelers and Other Celebrat- 
ed Cycles (Courage Books) by Gil King appeals to the novice 
cyclist os much as to the Tour de France racer. More than 

о century of antique bikes—velocipedes, lamplighters, tricy- 
cles, quadricycles, safety bikes and even an early exercycle— 
make an appearance in this photo retrospective of one of 
the world’s largest private bicycle collections. The presenta- 
tion is smart and slick—especially all the historical parapher- 
nalio—and sprinkled in between the Schwinns, Roleighs ond 
Elgin Kings are quotes such as “When I got a bike, | must 
have been the happiest boy in Liverpool, maybe the world” 
(John Lennon) and “Nothing compares to the simple plea- 
sure of a bike ride” (John Е Kennedy), —HELEN FRANGOULIS 


COMPANY MEN 


In 894 event-packed pages, Robert Littell's entertaining The 
Company (Overlook) charts the spy lives of two Yalie room- 
mates, Jack McAuliffe and Leo 

Kritzky, from their recruit- 
ment by the CIA during the | 
Cold War to their last sub-rosa | 
stand at the fade of the Sovi- 
et Union. Battling Commies, 
company moles and bureau- 
cracy, they take a frontline T | 
tour of the agency's great- Mer mney 
est hits and mis: while 

rubbing shoulders with 
presidents and superspies 
Of the thriller's large cast, 
however, none 
nating as Harvey Torriti, 
a cynical master of dark 
deeds whom the novel's 
John Kennedy labels “our 
James Bond.” Near the 
end, Torriti tells Kritz- 
ky, "I've changed, sport. 
Fatter. Older. Wiser. Loneli- 
er. Nervouser. More afraid of dying. Less afraid of 
death." He's shaken, we're stirred. — DICK LOCHTE 


Story 
us asking, why do 
ich ДЕ put ii 

3 nto the titles of their 
sex stories. We don't know, 
but this memoir, written by 
ort critic Cotherine Millet, 
was o best-seller in Fronce 
for a domn good reason. 
On nearly every page, Mil- 
let shomelessly recounts 
whom-bam thonk you 
mo'oms with strongers ond 
orgies of 150 people (she 
took on a quarter of them 


CATHERINE 
M. 


herself). Where ore women like this? We've often wondered 
why we don't know ony. This may be one of the most erotic 
--РАТТҮ LAMBERTI 


books ever written. 


COME FLY WITH МЕ 
Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of St. 
Louis (Abroms) celebrotes the pilot's 
historic Atlontic crossing in Moy 
1927. It includes occounts of sou- 
venir hunters tearing the plane 
apart on the runwoy and Lindy's 
fears after a poir of French ovia- 
tors, who ottempted the some feat, 
were never heord from agoin. 
Written by Dominick Pisano and 
F. Robert von der Linden, cura- 
tors ot the Smithsonian's Na- 
tionol Air ond Spoce Museum, 
it’s the best occount yet of Lind- 
bergh's journey. | —JASON BUHRMESTER 


YOUR NIGHT JUST GOT MORE INTERESTING” 


NEW BACARDI SILVER. WITH THE NATURAL FLAVORS OF BACARDI RUM AND CITRUS. 


'„layboy v 


LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY 


Porn star boot camp. A penis with 21 
piercings. Potent aphrodisiacs. These 
are a few of the topics Playboy TV tack- 
les on Sexcetera, a one-hour documen- 
tary-style series that lets its hosts 
get down and dirty while report- Ш 
ing on erotica. Sexcelera start- 
ed as a page in PLAYBOY and 
reemerged as a short news seg- 
ment on Playboy TV. “In 1998 we 
changed it into a show 
about young, hip re- 
porters who get into 
the stories they inves- 
tigate,” says world- 
wide production vice 
president Eric Deutsch. 
“We sent Hoyt Chri 
topher and Frank Gi- 
anotti—two guys you 
would like to party 
with—on a $20 mil- 
lion plane featuring 
an in-flight strip club 
Another time they 
went to the Bahamas 
on a private cruise with naked girls. 
They do outrageous things that are ev- 
ery man's dream.” Sexcetera is one of the 
longest-running programs on Playboy 
TV. At the beginning of each episode the 
reporters discuss who's getting naked, 
who's trying the latest sex toy and who 
has the wildest field assignment. Besides 
Hoyt and Frank, reporters include sex 
columnist Susannah Breslin, МТУ Jack- 
ass alum Scott Potasnik, actor Sam Phil- 


top: Reporte: 


checks ou! 
the “fucking: 


the five-stor ac 
commodations ai 


girls for your rid: 
ing pleasure. 


lips and Playboy TV vets Kira Reed and 
Lauren Hays. The hosts are required to 
check their inhibitions (and sometimes 
their clothing) at the door, Here 

are some of 


Clockwise from 


г 


Sam Phillips 


t 


mochines” in San 
Francisco; one of 


t 


Vikings Erotic Re- 
sort; real pony 


our favorite segments: 

Ride 'em, cowboy: Susannah discov- 
ers why everybody loves to ride these 
pretty ponies: They're human. Mect a 
stable of beautiful beasts and their 
masters, and find out what it means to 
show, ride or cart a human horse. 


Who wants to be a sex slave? Once a 
month at Florida's Club Kink, а group of 
horny, leather-clad people gets together 
to bid for the services ofa personal slave, 
You'll meet the bidding dominants and 
find out why they get 
off more than the 
submissives. 

What is the fuck- 
ingmachine? Sam 
meets Peter Acworth, 
who collects high-end 
pleasure devices with 
names such as the 
Intruder, the Fucks- 
all, the Ultra Vibra- 
tor and the Violator. 

Goo goo dolls: 
Meet a group of peo- 
ple who get off dress- 
ing up in oversize di- 
apers and throwing 
tantrums. Sam goes 
to an adult-baby birth- 
day party and before 
long, she snuggles i 
to a diaper and grabs 
a rattle so she can 
play with her new friends. 

Vikings roar: Situated on the north- 
ern coast ofthe Dominican Republic, Vi- 
kings Exotic Resort guarantees a happy 
ending with a beautiful girl. Hoyt and 
Frank follow three guys and six gor- 
geous girls to learn why this three-night 
excursion is worth 
$3900. 


Sexcetera art reporter Kira 
Reed is wired. The longtime 
Playboy video star, who has 
а recurring role on NYPD 
Blue, has webcams hooked 
up all over her house f to 
broadcast live sexual esca: 
usboni 


wife д. fot, usb 
going bald, they stop giving each other head 
everything gets boring.” For $20 a month you g 


see Kira doing everything naked, from 
partying. 


oí 
cooking to 


"| wore an apron and high heels—nothing 


else—to make Thanksgiving dinner with my naked 


friends," she says. “The first girl to give 


me ап ог- 


gasm was adult star Keri Windsor. She did me with a 
strap-on and | came on her face. | also made adult 
star Kim Chambers squirt! The site is successful be- 
cause it’s real sex—not what we do for the movies.” 


Sex Education ` : 
For Me? | 


Know-How is Still the Best 
Aphrodisiac. 


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JACKSON, FINE 


HBO's behind-the-scenes cameras gave 
usa peck at Janet Jackson in her chang- 
ing room during her recent concert in 
Hawaii. But рілувоу photographed her 
big sister La Toya in less than bra and 


panties more than 10 years ago. Relive 
the classic all-nude La Toya Jackson pic- 
torial, Don't Tell Michael, at Playboy.com 


and in the World of Playboy's “Celebri- 
ties" section of the Playboy Cyber Club. 
(cyber.playboy.com). The reprint of La 
Toya's 1989 layout features the shots of 
Miss Jackson frolicking atop a motor- 
cycle and getting cozy with a 60-pound 


| jlayboy.com | 


boa constrictor. Our ever- 
growing "Celebritie 
tion includes the original 
groundbreaking PLAYBOY 
pictorials of Bo Derek and 
Cindy Crawford. 


HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES 


Want a sexy nude picture 
of your girlfriend? Well, 
you could sneak up on her 
with a Nikon while she's 
stepping out of the shower, 
but there's a decent chance 
your expensive camera will 
end up in pieces on the 
bathroom floor. Here's a 
better idea: Study Playboy. 
com’s guide to taking sexy 
pictures of your girlfriend. 
Our primer begins with 
homework that no guy will 
mind doing. Step one: 
Spend some time looking 
at PLAYBOY and Special Edi- 
tions’ Book of Lingerie. You 
and your girlfriend will get an idea of 
which poses look best. Step two: Prepare 
the shoot, “Plan ways to accentuate your 
girlfriend's attributes,” explains photog- 
rapher Ric Moore. "Suggest she put her 
hands on her sides and lean forward a 
bit." Step three: Pick out the right lin- 
gerie. "Remember: The clothes drive the 
makeup. Choose your sexiest lingerie 
first and then find the makeup to com- 
plement it," says a PLAYBOY photo pro- 
ducer. Our step-by-step instructions and 


com/sex 


БЕТ! 


CYBER GIRL OF THE MONTH 
ê’ AP 


May Cyber Girl of the Month Nicole Whitehead is а 
Southern belle who loves to spend time with her “bo- 
bies” (her three harses)—training, riding and giving 
lessons. She hopes to one day teach disabled children 
to ride. When it comes to men, Nicole says a man 
“needs ta be strang, bath physically and emotionolly. 
He alsa hos fa know haw fo keep his rear end in the 
soddle!” See Nicale's exclusive videas and pictarials 
at cyber playbay.cam. 


short how-to videos take you through ac- 
cessorizing your gorgeous model, photo- 
shoot techniques and choosing the best 
images. Finally, we've provided the de- 
tails on how to send your photographs to 
Playboy's Special Editions to be evalu- 


ated. Before you 
know it, you may be dating a Playboy 
model. You'll find our guide at playboy. 
com/nss/howto. While you're waiting for 
the film of your girlfriend to develop, 
be sure to check out a free preview of 
the new Special Editions magazines, a 
behind-the-scenes glimpse at the lat- 
est cover shoot and a look at amateur 
models from casting calls in Los Ange- 
les, New York and a dozen other cities. 
Cyber Club subscribers get the full 
monty—all of the above, but with a lot 
more depth and much less clothing; Just 
don't get so enthralled that you forget 


= about your film. 


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SEPHORA 


By ASA BABER 


YOU CAN LOOK IT UP: Lou Gehrig first 
stepped into the batter's box as a pinch 
hitter for the New York Yankees on June 
1, 1925, and never missed a game there- 
after until April 30, 1939. He played 
2130 consecutive baseball games before 
he retired, which was a record he held 
until Cal Ripken Jr. broke itin 1995. Ex- 
cept for his first and last two seasons, 
Gehrig hit over ‚300 every year, ani 
1934, he led the American League in 
ting with a 363 batting average. His team- 
mates nicknamed him Iron Man for his 
durability. 

Another fact about Gehrig had great 
significance for me as a youngster: We 
were born on the same day (June 19). In 
my childish mind, our mutual birthdays 
linked us irrevocably. In addition, he was 
almost family to me. By my count, there 
were only two degrees of separation be- 
tween us. 

On July 4, 1939 Lou Gehrig retired 
from baseball in front of 61,808 roar- 
ing fans in Yankee Stadium, and you can 
look this up, too: The master of cere- 
monies for that event was a professional 
sportswriter named Sid Mercer (a tough 
nut of a man and a good journalist also 
known for falling into barroom brawls 
when well lubricated). 

Sid Mercer was my mother's cousin 
and a frequent visitor to our apartment 
in Chicago. Sid brought me a baseball 
mitt and a Yankees cap when I was about 
five years old, and he shared his memo- 
ries of his years covering the sport as I 
was growing up. 

He told me Gehrig had stood unstead- 
ily at Yankee Stadium during that July 4 
retirement ceremony, leaning on his bat, 
looking gaunt and thin in his uniform, 
under attack from the disease that would 
slowly paralyze him and take his life 

At the time, the doctors thought that 
Gehrig had contracted a rare form of 
polio. Today, the medical label for what 
became known as Lou Gehrig's disease 
is amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, and you 
can look that up, as well. Its basic cause 
remains unknown, though progress is be- 
ing made, particularly in the fields of ge- 
netic and environmental research. 

ALS affects 30,000 Americans at any 
given time, with 5000 dying each year. It 
is what is called a motor-neuron disease. 
It involves the gradual wasting away of 
muscles and nerve fibers until the body 
is mostly paralyzed while the mind re- 
mains active. Life expectancy averages 
between two to five years after diagnosis. 
Some people with it live much longer— 
the most famous example being Stephen 
Hawking. 

Sid often quoted a passage to me from 
Gehrig's retirement speech: "For the 


LOU GEHRIG 
AND ME 


past two weeks, you have been reading 
about the bad break 1 got,” Gehrig told 
the crow 
the luckiest man on the face of the earth. 
I might have had a bad break, but I have 
an awful lot to live for." 

I have used Lou Gehrig as my role 
model in demanding situations, includ- 
ing the one I find myself in now. 

In March 2001 1 took a trip to Brook- 
lyn to visit my younger son, Brendan, 
and his wife, Krista. As some of you have 
figured out, your incorrigible Men col- 
umnist has never been the darling of the 
book publishing industry, but I wanted 
Brendan to meet the one literary agent 
in New York City still willing to work 
with me. 

On the way to our appointment with 
that worthy man, I tripped over a curb 
on 23rd Street and fell flat on my face, 
catching myself at the last second. Bren- 
dan was concerned and helped me up. I 
laughed at my awkwardness, but found 
it to be a weird moment. 1 thought I had 
cleared that curb with room to spare. 
Then, a few days later, I noticed that 
my left foot was dragging, causing me 
to limp. 

1 returned home and went through 
several medical tests. For a time, it 
seemed as if might need an operation 
for bulging disks in my back. The sur- 
geon I talked with is a Gulf war veteran. 
We communicated bluntly and honestly, 
as yeterans often do. 

One day last September he called me 
with the results of yet another test and 
said, "Ace, I don't think I can help you. I 
don't think back surgery is going to do 
you any good." 

By then, I had my own intuition about 


“but today, I consider myself 


my condition. І had also done a fair 
share of research on the web, pairing my 
symptoms with various diseases and dis- 
orders. “Doc, just tell me the truth. I've 
been studying my records and test re- 
sults, and I think I've got ALS. What do 
you think?" I asked. 

He did not miss a beat. “I think you 
do, too,” he said calmly. 

My heart didn't jump, the sky didn't 
fall, no heavenly choir sang and I felt as 
calm as he sounded. “Thanks for being 
direct about it," I said. “You've been a 
real mensch.” 

“That's OK,” he said. “I wish you all 
the luck in the world. 

And that is that. [t has been confirmed 
that I have Lou Gehrig’s disease, and I 
am now confronting the problems it pre- 
sents. Fortunately, I am in the relatively 
early stages, and while I need a leg brace 
and cane in order to walk, [ am still 
somewhat mobile. How long that will last 
and how fast the disease progresses is be- 
yond my powers of prediction. But Lam 
ready for whatever comes my мау. 

Speaking of luck (like Gehrig, 1 con- 
sider myself an amazingly lucky man, 
with the finest and most supportive fam- 
ily and friends and colleagues a person 
could have), it has been a wonderful co- 
incidence—or perhaps something a little 
stronger—that Lou Gehrig has been my 
role model since my childhood and that 
there is nothing new or shocking to me 
with this diagnosis 

I thought long and hard about when 
and how to tell you this. Although Lam 
not ashamed of my status, I know that it 
might scare—even offend—some of you. 
But, as I see it, my relationship with my 
readers has always been one of openness 
and honesty, and I did not want you to 
remain in the dark. If I continue writing 
the Men column, 1 will not often focus on 
this subject again. If it seems best that 1 
stop writing Men, 1 accept that verdict. 

Your good thoughts and support would 
be appreciated, but the last thing I need 
is sympathy. I am doing well, thank you, 
and mentally and spiritually, 1 have nev- 
er been stronger. Unlike Woody Allen, I 
am actually willing to show up for my 
death whenever it occurs, because I al- 
low for the real possibility of some kind 
of existence in the hereafter. 

1 ask those of you who might be inter- 
ested in the subject to learn more about 
ALS. If the idea appeals to you, please 
send your best wishes and support to the 
doctors and nurses and researchers and 
social workers and therapists and fund- 
raisers and volunteers and families who 
have chosen to become the caretakers of 
those of us who have it. 

And hello, Lou, wherever you are 


47 


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n AeA Castle in West | 1 
Sussex, UK is the place 


fortified castle (which 
was started in 1103) 


© lease on from 1588 to 
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walls, battlements and 

а working porteullis that 


ҚУ world's best. The rooms 
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Eis ‚are furnished with 
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3 үс; modern and are 
‘equipped with Jacuzzis. 
The castle also offers а 
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- Berley is near ather Sus- 
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© whether or not you aspire | 
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Shark Alert 


Tiburon is Spanish for shark, 

and the name fits Hyundoi's new 
2003 sports coupe. The cor 

comes equipped with a faur-cylin- 
der 140 hp engine or a six-cylinder 
181 hp version. Hyundai calls the 
latter model the Tiburon GT Vé. 
It's our choice for performance 
and volue. A fully loaded six-speed GT V6 with leather seats, 17- 
inch wheels and sunroof is priced ot $19,997. That's with air-condi: 
tioning, a stereo with six speakers, and keyless remote entry, plus 
power doors and windows. A base Tiburon is about $16,000 and 
both models are covered with a 10-year or 100,000-mile power- 
frain protection 
that Hyundai 
claims is the best 
in the business. 
You also get 24- 
hour roadside as- 
sistance for five 
years with na 
mileage limit. 
Time to get bock 
in the water. 


MAN 


Hemingway Style 


Ernesto wrote For Whom the Bell Tolls in the Hovono hotel 
Ambos Mundos іп 1940. He probably kept his stogies in a 
humidor thot was similar to the mahogany, 
leather and rotton one pictured at the bottom 
of this paragraph. (Price: 5400.) It's just one 
of mony busi- 
ness-, sports-, 
ond travel- 
inspired items 
being offered by 
the Ernest Hem- 
ingwoy Collec- 
tion. We're talk- 
ing neat stuff, 
such as a cork- 
lined travel bar (left) 
with comportments for spirits, wine 
and glasses plus leother straps to hold down your corkscrew 
or cheese knife ($650 ond it's also 


covered in leather ond rattan). The 
journol (565) and orgonizer (5180) at 
right are both made of black em- 
bossed leather with brass 
accents, ond the flosk 
($150) is block 


embossed 
leather and rotion. Not pictured is 
o rattan, leather and mahogany 
suitcase (51000), motching travel 
desk ($700) and briefcase ($760). 
You con even purchase a rattan and 
leother creel ($180) that would be right at 
home on the Big Two-Hearted River. Call 
800-582-7690 for more info and to order. 


The Thrill of the Grill 


A full season of outdoor cooking awaits, and it’s time to re- 
fresh your orsencl of recipes. Williams-Sonoma Grilling (Simon 
& Schuster) is a beautifully produced book with both classic 
and innovotive dishes. Of course there ore tips on the perfect 
hamburger (shown here) and butterflied leg of lamb with 
rosemary-garlic paste. But ol- 
so included are recipes for 
grilled duck breost with dried 
cherry-zinfandel sauce, whole 
grill-roasted turkey, pork loin 
stuffed with greens and garlic, 
as well as herbed pizzas with 
prosciutto, bosil and goat 
cheese. Happily, there’s а 
large section on seafood (we 
like the spicy scallops with 
wasabi-soke sauce) and veg- 
etobles (try the grilled red 
pepper, sweet onion and 
tomato salod or the wild 
mushroom quesadillas). The 
only trouble with food this 
well photographed is that the 
recipes should come with a 
disclaimer: Your results moy 
differ—ot least in looks. But 
the point of grilling is thot it 
should be fun, ond this book 
will help you hove some. 


Clothesline: 

Nikki SIK 

“My style is funky junkie,” 
soys Nikki Sixx, Motley 
Crue's bess player, who's 
pictured here with his 
Playmote and Buywatch 
wife, Donna D'Errico. “I'll 
wear a Dolce £ Gobbano 
or Jean-Poul Goullier suit 
and still look like I've had 
too many cocktails. Most 
of the time I’m o Diesel 
jeans, Lucky 13 shirts ond 
Skechers boots kind of 
guy. | also wear leather 
pants ond jockets, plus 
jewelry, from the Los An- 
geles company Chrome Heorls. My two favorite things ore my 
wedding ring and a choin neckloce with o pendant of o lock 
with a skull and crossbones made for me by a company in 
Tokyo. My body is covered with tattoos that incorporate skulls 
and crossbones with Fifties rock-and-roll imogery of guitars, 
girls and hot rods with Jopanese cherry blossoms and flowing 
water. My whole back is a huge sun. At the bottom ore the 
devil and an ongel fighting.” 


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Clorkson soys “hos oll the guilty pleasures af a violent sport— 
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was voted coolest robot іп a competition last November. € Or- 
ganic cigors. S. Plasencio in Nicaragua manufactures Plasencia 
Reserva Organico cigors. What makes these smokes different 

is the purified soil and lock af fertilizers ond chemical sprays 

in the growing process. Cannaisseurs take nate: The cigor's 
leaves are from o hybrid habana seed. Price: $160 for a box af 
20 Rabustos, which are 4%" x 52 rings. Three ather cigor shapes 


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Шіге Playboy Advisor 


For her 40th birthday, I bought my wife 
of five years a 1982 Corvette. We are 
Corvette nuts—for more than 20 years 
Гус been buying, restoring, selling and 
maintaining them, and my wife has al- 
ways liked them but didn’t get into them 
until we started dating. I own a 1972 
convertible that is my treasure. It's a 
little tricky to drive, so she had always 
asked me before she took it. Now the ta- 
bles have turned. She says I must ask to 
take her car—the one I bought, main- 
tain, fix, clean, polish and wax. She 
checks the mileage and last night threw a 
fit because I had used her car to go to 
lunch. I sold my Camaro Z-28, my mo- 
torcycle and my kid's four-wheeler to get 
this car for her. I consider myself the 
leader of the household and I'm not in- 
clined to ask her to drive the car. I rec- 
ognize that it’s hers—her name is on the 
title—but who's out of line here? I think 
she's being ungrateful. Frankly, I'm sor- 
ry I bought her the car. I am not so sure 
1 don't want her to pack her shit in it and 
take off.—].C., Memphis, Tennessee 
Didn't we see you on Springer? You have 
a lot of control in the relationship, and your 
wife sees the car as a way to claim some for 
herself. So, leader of the household, share the 
Tell your wife you'll ask. Accept her 
ions graciously (once she sees you re- 
spect her wishes, she won't turn you down of- 
ten). In the meantime, put aside the idea that 
you earned chits by cleaning the car, waxing 
il, etc. You're not doing that for her benefit. 
Don't make us come down there to straighten 
this out, because we'll take both cars away. 


| am an outdoor-sports enthusiast who 
just turned 45. Lately it seems I'm con- 
stantly suffering from injuries such as 
torn muscles and cracked bones, even 
from minor falls. Am 1 getting too old 
for aggressive sports, or can I adjust my 
training regimen and continue to hack 
the occasional 20-foot cliff?—S.R., Pacif- 
ic Palisades, California 

You can make adjustments but also need to 
accept your body's limitations as you age. It 
helps to stretch like a madman, use proper 
form and make sure you have the best equip- 
ment—which you can afford now that you're 
middle-aged. Dr. Nicholas DiNubile, an or- 
thopedic surgeon in Philadelphia who works 
with the 76ers, refers to the injuries he sees 
among athletic patients over 40 as boomeri- 
lis (including the subsets tendinitis, burs 
arthritis and fix-me-itis). By that he means 
no one wants to hear injuries will occur more 
easily and take longer to heal. The most com- 
mon ailments Dr. DiNubile sees among 
boomers are rotator cuff problems (typically 
in guys who throw around too much weight); 
tendinitis-related problems in the heel, under 
the knees and al the elbow; early arthritis in 


the knees and hips; and lower bach stiffness 
and pain often caused by degenerating di 
He says it’s crucial to have а balanced, year- 
round fitness routine. “As you get older, you 
can't just be a weekend warrior or a spring- 
time softball player," he says. “You need a 
regular regimen that includes cardiovascu- 
lar exercise, strength training and flexibili 
It's the rare boomer who has all three." A 
trainer or physician who specializes in sports 
medicine can help you establish a safe zone 
and then design a program to expand it. 
When starting а new sport or returning from 
an injury, it’s a good idea to increase your 
level of activity by no more than 10 percent 
each week. 


In February a reader from Texas argued 
that certain men will always be unwant- 
ed and undatable. The Advisor dis- 
agreed, arguing that “many” women 
prefer short, bald guys. As a short, fat, 
bald guy, I can say you're dead wrong. 
Women are as shallow as men when it 
comes to dating. Their rules are more 
numerous than those used by men— 
but no deeper. Both sexes are driven by 
evolutionary biology: Good-looking = 
healthy = good mate. Admit it: Losers 
exist. I know. I'm one of them—and you 
have no idea how it hurts to write that.— 
V.P, Knoxville, Tennessee 

By your theory, how are there ugly people? 
Toni гу Lee Jones had a line in the movie 


Jackson County Jail that applies here. He 


said, “PU play what's dealt.” You can't be 
taller; and you can't gel your hair back, but 
you can lose weight—and the chip on your 
shoulder. We know some hefty guys who do 
OK, but they possess rare charm, Without 
that, you have to work harder. Of course 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANA 


women judge men initially by apprarance— 
Just as men judge women. But most guys talk 
their way into most women’s lives rather 
than leading with their perfect chins. Social 
skills don't come naturally for everyone, but 
awkward and shy people still manage to re- 
produce (they re introduced to each other by 
mutual friends). Another obstacle for many 
men is their belief that having a girlfriend 
or spouse solves larger problems. If you're 
searching for a savior, you'll judge every 
woman who crosses your path solely on 
whether she can change your life. That puts 
incredible pressure on the encounters, and it 
changes how you're perceived. 


The reader who claimed that "losers, 
creeps and dorks” should leave women 
alone is right. It’s important fora man to 
recognize his limitations. I suggest other 
losers do what I've done for the past few 
years—pay for sex. First, you won't have 
the hassle of dating. Second, by the time 
you've spent the money, time and effort 
to take out a woman who may or may 
not sleep with you, you've spent as much 
as you would in a massage parlor or with 
an escort. There are risks, but sex is al- 
ways a gamble. You may not go on any 
dates, but at least you'll get laid —TB., 
Sausalito, California 

It's a rare man who can survive on sex 
alone. Here's one more perspective: 


Ive worked in a number of bars and 
I have noticed a lot of couples who I 
thought would never go for cach oth- 
era gorgeous redhead with a short, fat, 
balding guy; an overweight woman with 
a petite guy. I'm 69” and 240 pounds, 
and Гуе dated women as short as 5/1” 
and as tall as 69”. In my experience, if 
you act desperate or smothering, it won't 
matter how you look or how much mon- 
ey you have—quality women won't re- 
spond. But when you interact with wom- 
en as you would with your friends, they 
respond in kind. Striking up a conversa- 
tion is the hard part, because it can feel 
artificial. That's why you go out with a 
group.—M.P, Sandusky, Ohio 

Well put. How drunk were those mis- 
matched couples? 


The other night my girlfriend gave me 
an amazing blow job. When she was fin- 
ished, I thanked her. Later that evening 
she told me my thanking her made her 
feel cheap. I didn’t mean anything by 
it. Is thanking someone for giving you 
pleasure taboo?—PT., Detroit, Michigan 

Your girlfriend heard “thank you” and 
felt she had serviced you. Not every woman 
has a problem with that, as fantasy or favor, 
but you're with one who does. Next time say 


53 


something encouraging: “That was amaz- 
ing. You're amazing. Lord, how did I get so 
lucky?” Then reciprocate. 


| was ready to buy a DVD player when 1 
heard about a new type of high-defini- 
tion video called D-VHS. Which way 
should I go?—PL., Peoria, Illinois 

We'd go with DVD. D-VHS makes sense 
only if you own an HDTV set that can dis- 
play its higher resolution, and it’s far from 
certain the format will survive. Just four stu- 
dios have agreed to release films on D-VHS, 
and the tapes will include a security feature 
thal currently prevents them from being 
played on any deck but a $2000 model by 
JVC. The reward for taking the plunge is 
resolution that’s five times that of a DVD. 
Nine other manufacturers are developing a 
competing technology called Blu-ray. 


PLAYBOY 


My girlfriend and 1 have been dating 
for two months. We haven't had sex but 
have done a lot of petting. After she told 
me her best friend had a rabbit vibrator 
and raved about it, 1 bought her one. 
Now it's her second-best friend. To add 
to my anxiety, the clerk at the sex toy 
store said no guy could eyer do what this 
thing does. I asked my girlfriend about it 
and she said the vibrator is fun but could 
never replace a man. I'm eager to get 
down to business, but now the rabbit is 
in her life. Tell me I have nothing to wor- 
ry about—EM., Chicago, Illinois 

You have nothing to worry about—maybe. 
Rather than seeing it as an obstacle, we'd try 
to catch а ride with the rabbit, since it’s go- 
ing someplace you want to be. Bring your 
girlfriend flowers and fresh batteries, then 
point out ihat a vibrator can be even more 
fun when someone else is holding it. 


In February a concerned reader asked if 
he could get an STD from used panties 
he bought online. You suggested he mi- 
crowave them. According to The Doctor's 
Book of Home Remedies, in 1989 a woman 
in Idaho called the fire department be- 
cause of smoke in her attic. She had been 
zapping her nylon panties to battle a 
yeast infection. The book suggests in- 
stead boiling the panties, soaking them 
in blcach or touching them with a hot 
iron.—S.L., San Francisco, California 
That's why we prefer cotton. 


A female friend took me to a swingers’ 
club in Kentucky and we had a great 
time. The club charged $35 per couple 
as an entrance fee, and $50 for single 
guys. We filled out applications at the 
door to become members and to attest 
we weren't cops or reporters. The booze 
and food prices were outrageous. With 
at least 50 couples inside, the club must 
have made a fortune. I recently lost my 
job. What better way to get back on my 
feet than to start a sex club? My friend 
says she knows enough people to fill a 
54 club every weekend, I’m sure that wher- 


ever I set up the local authorities will 
fuck with me, but if I'm not breaking апу 
laws, what can they do?—B.J., Laurel- 
ville, Ohio 

If they disapprove, they'll find a шау to ha- 
rass you out of existence. The club you visit- 
ed sounds like it’s ready to be closed down— 
first, because it had you join at the door, and 
second, because it sold booze and food. Both 
make it look suspiciously like a business, 
which invites scrutiny from zoning, health 
and tax authorities. That's why most owners 
don't open their doors to the public. Instead, 
they collect applications and dues at а зера- 
rate office (but also may charge party fees at 
the door). They also have members bring 
their own alcohol. Sex isn’t the stated reason 
most clubs get shut down—it’s noise com- 
plaints and parking problems. It helps to 
have a few cops and bigwigs as active mem- 
bers. And you may want to host parties some- 
where olher than your home. One Chicago- 
area owner decided with her husband to 
move their events to local hotels. “I want my 
house back,” she says. “People pee in our hot 
tub, they leave their shaving cream, razors 
and pubic hair everywhere, they drink too 
much because they're nervous and then 
throw up on my floor. We started with а 
house where we hosted fun parties and end- 
ed up living in a swing club.” Even sex dub 
owners need a hug sometimi Jor profits, 
you might make some money, but “it's not the 
road to millions,” says a spokesman for the 
North American Swing Club Association. 
He means dollars, not partners. 


Му girlfriend lets me tie her to the bed- 
post but only if she is blindfolded. Is she 
ashamed, or is there something extra- 
erotic about this?—R.P, Reno, Nevada 

This is supersize erotic. Cather a sexy tool 
kit that includes feathers 
sage oil, her favorite vibrator (plus a new 
one to surprise her), dildos in three sizes, a 
book or CD of erotic stories, ice, a hand 
warmer, chocolate (to reward her), a small 
butt plug and extra lube. And take your 
sweet time. 


One of my balls is larger than the other. 
I'm hoping it’s not a sign of cancer. Is 
there a self-exam that I can do like the 
ones women perform on their breasts?— 
R.K. Burlington, Vermont 

One testicle is almost always larger than 
another—no worries there. Eight out of 10 
times the left ball hangs lower. What's not 
normal are hard, painless lumps. Testicular 
cancer is relatively common among men un- 
der the age of 35, so it's prudent to check 
yourself once а month after a warm shower 
Gently roll each testicle between the fingers 
and thumb of each hand. Don't be confused 
by the soft, tube-like structure behind each 
testicle—that's the epididymis, which carries 
sperm. And free-floating lumps in the scro- 
tum are not cancer. See a doctor if you feel 
anything out of the ordinary, if one of your 
testicles swells or decreases in size, if you feel 
а heaviness in your scrotum or a dull ache in 


your abdomen or groin, if you have pain or 
discomfort in your balls or scrotum or if your 
breasts are enlarged or tender. 


In March a reader asked about the wis- 
dom of sticking a loaded gun into a 
woman's mouth during sex. I think this 
activity is more prevalent than you'd ex- 
pect. I had the joyous and miserable ex- 
perience of dating a stripper. One day I 
took her to a shooting range to fire my 
Tec-9. She went through five boxes of 
ammo, then suggested we play outa fan- 
tasy she had of being overpowered by a 
man with a gun. She wanted to do this 
in public, but I thought better of it. We 
reached a compromise: [ knocked on the 
door of my house carrying a coat over 
my arm to hide the gun. She answered 
the door pretending to be a real estate 
agent showing the house. The muzzle 
went into her mouth as soon as we got 
inside and the door was closed. She in- 
sisted that the gun be loaded, and that 
the safety be off. She even made me load 
it while she watched. I tried to discour- 
age this fantasy, but her response was al- 
ways “If you can't kill me, you can't thrill 
me.” There is no way I would ever put a 
loaded gun into someone's mouth. Once 
1 got outside the door, I would pull the 
active clip, put in an empty one, remove 
the round from the chamber and pull 
the trigger at least three times. The sce- 
narios that followed included her be- 
ing held up against a wall while slowly 
shedding her clothes and being backed 
through the house to the bedroom with 
her hands up, then being told to strip 
and move to the bed. As long as the fan- 
tasy was intense, she was hot for it. You 
can bet your ass І never had a sip of al- 
cohol before we played these games. If 
anything went wrong, can you imagine a 
jury buying my story? Our relationship 
ended after a year. I'm certain I will nev- 
er again run my hands over such a beau- 
tiful body, but, unfortunately, the body 
as attached to a brain that was part 
bitch and part psycho. It was creepy fun 
while it lasted —].M., Tucson, Arizona 

Your ex is lucky she had you. You'll enjoy 
э: A resident of Hamburg called the 
police this past February after hearing gun- 
shots, followed by moaning. Turns ош а guy 
was shooting at his girlfriend to fulfill her 
cops-and-robbers fantasy. He practiced safe 
sex by using blanks, 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, pLaYBoY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com. 


LIVE IT IN ASPEN 


COLOGNE 


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express You fue Self. visit www.arfioriginal.com 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


id the events of September 11 

change America? Apparent- 

ly not. One constant has been 
the ability of opportunists to exploit 
the tragedy. We've kept a list of be- 
havior that went beyond bad taste in- 
to the realm of “what were they think- 
ing?” Among the many examples: A 
few days after planes flew into the 
WTC and the Pentagon, a cremation 
society ran an ad illustrated by a line 
drawing of the twin towers. 

Then there was the porn company 
that offered for sale a videotape called 
Vengeance, with the promise that all 
proceeds would go to the Red Cross. 
“Then Detroit appropriated a hero's 
last words (“Let's roll”) to inspire us 
to buy GM gas guzzlers (Keep Amer- 
ica Rolling). We watched the 
government wrap the term 
homeland security around ev- 
ery pork project from farm 
subsidies (keep America eat- 
ing) to a bogus economic-stim- 
ulus package (keep America 
shopping). Butthe trend peaked 
during the Super Bowl, when 
the Office of National Drug 
Control Policy tried to link ca- 
sual drug use with world ter- 
rorism in a series of television 
commercials. 

“Where do terrorists get 
their money?” asked a voice- 
over as the camera showed an 
Osama clone buying AK-47s, 
fake passports and plastique 
explosives. “If you buy drugs, 
some of it might come from you.” 

The feds spent nearly $3.5 million 
to place the spots. In the weeks that 
followed, more money went to spon- 
sor ads in 293 newspapers. Over a ріс- 
ture of a slightly stoned youth, the 
copy read: “Yesterday afternoon 1 
did my laundry, went for a run and 
helped torture someone's dad.” The 
text over a shot of a young girl is 
similar: "Last weekend I washed my 
car, hung out with a few friends and 
helped murder a family in Colombia. 
C'mon, it was a party.” Another help- 
ful teen claimed to be an accessory af- 
ter the fact in the killing of a judge. 

"The tag line at the bottom of the 
ads directs the curious or guilty to 
theantidrug.com, an official website 


that provides yet more propaganda, 
some of it unintentionally hilarious: 
“If you are using drugs in America, 
whether you're shooting heroin, snort- 
ing cocaine, taking ecstasy or sharing 
a joint in your friend's backyard, evi- 
dence is mounting that what you're 
doing may be connected to events far 
beyond your existence." 

Heavy, man. Fecling connected to 
events far beyond their existence is 
one reason people take drugs, as any- 
one who saw the Grateful Dead per- 
form can attest. But the folks at the 
antidrug.com hold the recreational 
drug user responsible for much worse. 

How many of the 28 organizations 
identified as terrorists by the State De- 
partment arc fundcd by illegal drugs? 


According to theantidrug.com, 12. 
How much did the Taliban make from 
the sale of heroin? Some $40 million 
to $50 million. The site fails to men- 
tion that just months before Septem- 
ber 11, the U.S. government pledged 
a similar amount to reward the Tal- 
iban for eradicating the poppy crop. 
Where would that money have gone? 
Yesterday's ally in the war on drugs 
is today's terrorist and tomorrow's 
world leader. 

The British director who made the 
spots boasted of the “unprecedented” 
fact checking between the copywrit- 


ers and the FBI, DEA, GIA and the 
Departments of Defense and State 
over such niggling details as the go- 
ing price of AK-47 assault rifles. Cer- 
tainly, given the war on drug's past 
history with truth, unprecedented 
was the right word. 

None of the ads touch on the basic 
civics lesson of the war on drugs. Pro- 
hibition creates astronomical profits. 
Our misguided war on drugs has cre- 
ated the ready cash that corrupts gov- 
ernments and creates havoc. Make 
drugs a health problem, rather than a 
legal one, and the prices would drop. 

We don't have the drug office's 
$180 million advertising budget, nor 
the services of giant Ogilvy and Math- 
er, which created the Super Bowl 

campaign. But here are a few 

ads we'd like to see: 

John Ashcroft in front of a 
cloaked statue of Justice: “To- 
day 1 held a prayer meeting at 
the office, issued another red 
alert in the war on terrorism 
and denied an inexpensive 
form of pain relief to a termi- 
nally ill cancer patient.” 

A police officer in full SWAT 
gear: “Yesterday I worked out 
at the gym, spoke at a high 
school DARE program and 
served a warrant on the wrong 
address, accidentally killing an 
innocent citizen, a father of 
five, as he lay sleeping on the 

š couch." 

A congressman: “Yesterday 
1 had a three-martini lunch with a 
lobbyist, put my daughter, who was 
caught trying to fill a fake prescrip- 
tion, into a drug treatment program 
and upheld marijuana laws that since 
1982 have resulted in more than 
8 million arrests.” 

A well-dressed prosecutor: “Yester- 
day I played racquetball, took a steam 
bath and sent a mother of three to 
federal prison for 20 years because 
her boyfriend was a drug dealer.” 

‘A Peruvian air force pilot: “Yester- 
day I kissed my wife goodbye, flew 
patrol over a jungle and shot down a 
small plane, killing a missionary and 
her daughter.” 

Support the war on drugs and you 
support terror. 


55 


56 


merchants slipped their films past 
censors by calling them documenta- 
ries about nudity and sex. One of the 
first mass-marketed adult films was a 
1968 quickie called Pornography in Den- 
mark, followed by a collection of stags 
billed as The History of the Blue Movie. 
“Today, porn is respectable enough that 
serious filmmakers regularly visit the 
San Fernando Valley, where most adult 
videos are shot, to search for the mean- 
ing of choreographed sex. They drop 
by sets and production offices and cor- 
ner the usual suspects, such as Bill 
Margold, a former performer who now 
heads the Free Speech Coalition. Even 
the National Film Board of Canada 
(Give Me Your Soul) and PBS (American 
Porn) have dispatched crews to the Val- 
ley; PBS distributed its report in edited 
and unedited versions and presumably 
made sure Jesse Helms didn't see either. 
Curious about all the porn docu- 
mentaries being released one after the 
other (at least a dozen since 1999), 1 
watched as many as I could find—near- 
ly 15 hours of hot intellectual action, 
with just enough exposed breasts and 
cussing to keep me alert in the home- 
stretch. Some focused on individuals 
and included Porn Star: The Legend of 
Ron Jeremy, Wadd: The Life and Times of 
John C. Holmes; and Sex: The Annabel 
Chong Story. Others had themes: The 
director of the hilarious Fluffy Cumsalot, 
Porn Star asked performers how they 
chose their stage names, while Porn to 
Rock explored the collision of erotica 
and music. The rest were overviews of 
the biz, with Porn Stars: Life in the Adult 
Industry and Rated X: A Journey Through 
Porn being the most valuable. If you 
can watch only one, go with The Girl 
Next Door (gndmovie.com), which pro- 
files housewife turned performer Stacy 
Valentine. Rather than bore you with 
reviews of each film (which, like porn, 
would have gotten repetitive fast), I 
gleaned the most interesting facts and 
insights for this A-to-Z guide: 


I n the Sixties and Seventies, smut 


Adult Entertainment 
Preferred industry term, validated 
by 1984 California and 1988 U.S. Su- 
preme Court rulings that affirmed First 
Amendment protection for porn films. 
Legalization changed the business dra- 
matically, and not entirely for the bet- 


Ey DANIEL RADOSH 


ter. See Pimping and Pandering, Quan- 
tity Over Quality. 


loca. Coats and Kids 

Vice squad phrase for the criteria 
that opens a film to prosecution. Alter- 
natively, CURB-FHP, coined by a Los 
Angeles prosecutor, stands for Chil- 
dren, Urination or defecation, Rape, 
Bestiality, Fisting or foot insertion, 
Homicide or dismemberment, and se- 
vere infliction of Pain. 


€ Licht 
Handheld lamp 
that's used to illumi- 
nate close-up shots 
of "the hard-core." 


Douche 
Commercials 
Term used by di- 

rector Toni English 
when referring to 
the “girls in trans- 
parent dresses run- 
ning through fields 
of daisies” movies 
made by other fe- 
male porn directors. 


Erection 

The ability to 
achieve and sustain 
wood in a room filled 
with bored crew 
members is the main 
talent required of male 
performers, according to director Ira 
Levine, a.k.a. Ernest Greene. 


Huffer 
“There's no such thing,” insists Brit- 
tany Andrews, whose cynical wit and 
honking laugh made her the most 
memorable of the female performers 
interviewed. “A fluffer is called your 
fucking hand.” 


cane гапе 

Video genre in which women set 
records for continual sex acts. Annabel 
Chong, who had sex with 251 men (ac- 
tually it was fewer than 80 guys, most 
of whom got back in line a few times) 
for a 1995 video called The World’s 
Biggest Gang Bang, is resented by other 


adult performers. The stunt “gives por- 
no a bad name,” complains actor Mi- 


chael J. Coxx. 


MY Test 

A monthly requirement for all per- 
formers. Despite the death of John 
Holmes in 1988 and a handful of infec- 
tions recently, the industry is divided 
over how serious the threat is and 
whether condoms are necessary. The 
Adult Industry Medical Health Care 
Foundation (whose director, former 
star Sharon Mitchell, has made a porn 
documentary of her own) issues peri- 
odic alerts about performers who have 


faked the test results they must show 
producers before shoots. 


imidation 

Why stalking is uncommon. Fans 
“are more likely to think they wouldn't 
be enough for a porn star rather than 
thinking, Oh yeah, I'm the guy she 
needs,” says director Bud Lee. On the 
flip side, it's “the word that keeps Brit- 
tany Andrews from getting laid,” ac- 
cording to Brittany, who says men are 
afraid to hit on her. 


Joh wada 
Character that made the famously en- 
dowed John Holmes a star. The Wadd 
movies, which spanned the Seven- 
ties, are considered the first hard-core 


series. Holmes does not come off as an 
action figure in the documentary about 
his life. A typical anecdote: He was 
stoned on Valium when he married 
Misty Dawn in Las Vegas, an event he 
learned of only after seeing a wedding 
photo weeks later. 


Kiplinger’s Personal Finance 

Magazine that performer Asia Car- 
rera says she reads religiously, along 
with The Wall Street Journal and Smart 
Money, so that she can retire at the 
age of 30. 


Luke Ford 

Cynical journalist who is known as 
the Matt Drudge of porn. Asa religious 
Jew, Ford is conflicted abouthis symbi- 
otic relationship with the industry. He 
believes most pornographers are scum- 
bags, and the feeling is mutual. His ex- 
posés at lukeford.com have gotten him 
banned from most sets. 


Money 

The women earn $300 to $1500 per 
scene, men from $200 to $450. The 
most recognizable female talent also 
can make up to $20,000 a week at strip 
clubs. That’s one reason you see so 
many fake boobs in porn; the actresses 
make more money stripping, and im- 
plants generate better tips. 


Noms de Porn 

Inspirations range from favorite whis- 
key (Jenna Jameson) to The Karate Kid 
(Mimi Miyagi). The famous formula— 
name of your first pet plus name of the 
street you grew up on—is never actu- 
ally used. If it were, Juli Ashton and 
Nina Hartley would be Tikki Baldwin 
and Bingo Stewart. 


= гогон | 


€r2asms 

Several female performers claim to 
have them on-screen consistently, but 
the men always fake it. Footage of the 
actor's face in ecstasy is filmed sepa- 
rately from the ejaculation, or money 
shot. The latter is more often called 
a pop shot, while the former is a FIP 
(fake internal pop). 


Pimbine and Panderine 
Charges that were brought against 
John Holmes in 1973, when the law 
viewed actors who were paid to have 
sex as prostitutes. Holmes avoided 
jail time by becoming an enthusiastic 
snitch for the LAPD. 


Cuantity Over € ity 

Тһе formula that ruined porn, ac- 
cording to its practitioners. Twenty 
years ago, according to Bud Lee, a fea- 
ture film might have sold 12,000 copies 
at $40 apiece. In today's market—with 
as many as 11,000 
features produced 
every year—its 
more likely to sell 
1800 to 2000 copies 
at $12 each. Low 
profit margins 
translate into low 
production values. 
This situation is 
generally blamed 
on the legalization 
of the industry, 
which encouraged 
every hustler with 
a camcorder to get 

into the business. 


esa Parks 
Civil rights lead- 
er to whom black 
starlet Midori says 
she is sometimes 
compared. Racism is 
systemic in the industry. Many white 
actresses refuse to appear in scenes 
with black men, and some Southern ca- 
ble stations won't air interracial scenes. 
"That gives producers little motivation 
to cast blacks in anything but low-bud- 
get trash. 


Soft-Core 
Version of a film made to air on pay- 
per-view cable channels. It’s shot si- 
multaneously with the hard-core video 
version, but without close-ups and us- 
ing FIPs instead of pops. 


Tampa Tusity Fest 
Video that last year became the focus 
of the first obscenity trial in Los Ange- 
les since 1993. Prosecutors say its de- 


piction of one woman with her fist in 
the vagina of another violated commu- 
nity standards. The director, Seymore 
Butts, said he intended to distribute 
the video only in Europe but that a few 
copies accidentally made their way to 
U.S, outlets. Another producer is be- 
ing prosecuted for a bukkake video (in 
which groups of men ejaculate ona sin- 
gle woman) and a pissing video called 
Liquid Gold 5. American Porn discusses 
the Bush administration's plan to crack 
down on porn after years of “neglect” 
by the Clinton administration. Former 
Attorney General Janet Reno has re- 
sponded that the administration had 
more important things to do. 


Utopia 
Goal of some Golden Age pioneers 
who believed that X-rated films would 
bring about a world free of sexual 
hang-ups. Their kind is increasingly 
rare in today's industry, where quick 
money motivates most performers and 
brings hundreds of ambitious or des- 
perate women from around the world 

to the Valley cach year. 


viagra 
Changed the business by reducing 
erection problems that often delayed 
filming and limited producers to using 
only a handful of reliable actors. Few 
male performers will admit to using 
the drug and instead usually claim that 
secret home-brewed energy drinks ac- 

count for their stamina. 


War Casualties 
What Ron Jeremy thinks about to 
make a scene last longer. Also: dead 
dogs, his grandmother. 


X. Family of 
Filmmaker cum PR man Bill Mar- 
gold's term for the industry. Margold, 
who has also appeared in about 60 
films, calls himself its “papa bear.” 


Young Wom 
The industry's fuel. "After three 
years, a hardworking performer may 
have done 200 or 300 features," says 
Ira Levine, and is ready to be replaced. 
"There is no shortage of bodies. In Give 
Me Your Soul, Margold is shown driving 
to pick up a newcomer at the bus sta- 
tion. He claims it's the first time he's 
ever known a performer who literal- 
ly arrived "fresh off the bus." Usually 
they fly or take the train. 


Tits 
Appear on performers’ butts at the 
worst times. Pimples and tattoos are 
why directors hire makeup artists. 


57 


58 


THE DEBATE ON TORTURE 

James R. Petersen was right 
to be appalled at our indiffer- 
ence to published reports that 
the FBI iscontemplating harsh- 
er interrogations (“Thinking 
About Torture,” The Playboy Fo- 
rum, March). In January 60 Min- 
utes interviewed a variety of 
so-called experts on the topic. 
A French general who had tor- 
tured dctainccs in the Fifties 
during the French-Algerian 
war claimed that his techniques 
(electricity to the ears, hands 
and testicles, a water-soaked 
towel wrapped around the 
head, etc.) had been success- 
ful. Since Algeria is no longer a 
French colony, perhaps this on- 
ly shows that one man's torture 
session is another movement's 
call to arms. Harvard law pro- 
fessor Alan Dershowitz paraded 
his notion of torture warrants, 
saying that in a ticking-bomb 
scenario, a suspect should be 
fair game for force. He dis- 
missed constitutional protec- 
tions. “Due process is the pro- 
cess you are due under the 
circumstances of the case. And 
the process that an alleged ter- 
rorist who is planning to kill 
thousands of people may be 
due is very different than the 
process that an ordinary criminal may 
be due.” So much for the presumption 
of innocence. (1 couldn't help compar- 
ing Dershowitz’ firm belief in the pow- 
er of suspicion with the British judge 
who released an Arab pilot we had 
been told was one of the September 11 
conspirators. The government's evi- 
dence did not hold up under scrutiny. 
Maybe we should have tortured him 
anyway.) 

Sixty Minutes also presented Abdul 
Hakim Murad, the convicted terrorist 
mentioned in Petersen's article. Mu- 
rad’s lawyer noted that besides claim- 
ing in his confession he and others 
were planning to crash several airliners 
at once, including one into CIA head- 
quarters, his client also claimed to have 
played a part in the Oklahoma City 
bombing. U.S. investigators didn't act 
on his claims, and the anecdote seems 
to emphasize the lack of faith torturers 
put in the information gleaned. 

Paul Jones 
Killeen, Texas 


= poi 


THE WAR IN CINCINNATI 

Daniel Lazare spoke with several res- 
idents of the Over-the-Rhine neighbor- 
hood for his “Occupied America” (The 
Playboy Forum, March). But I notice he 
didn’t speak to any officers. 

1 have been a police officer in Cleve- 
land for four years and have worked in 
the city’s most dangerous district. We 
are losing the drug war. Its easy to see 
why: Bureaucrats, the community and 
the media criticize efforts by police to 
curtail the trade. I don’t have the an- 
swer, but blaming officers who risk 
their lives on the streets isn’t it. Lazare 
claims that when the drug trade is con- 
centrated in the ghetto, police lump 
drugs, the people and the communi- 
ty into one. I can assure you that any 
experienced officer knows the differ- 
ence between a drug dealer and a good 
citizen. I hope Lazare sleeps well at 
night, protected by the people he con- 
siders thugs. 

Brian McEntee 
Cleveland, Ohio 


Police arrested the pilot on charges o 
disorderly conduct and making terro 


Once again the Forum has 
showcased its disdain for law 
enforcement. Instead of spew- 
ing venom at police, why not 
direct your anger toward law- 
makers? After all, the officers 
are only enforcing the laws that 
legislators have enacted. 

Carrie Gralinski 
Savannah, Georgia 

We have taken shots at those who 
make the laws, but they're not the 
ones on the street. “I was just en- 
forcing the lau” sounds a lot like "I 
‘was just following orders,” and nei- 
ther is an excuse for injustice. Dan- 
iel Lazare got an earful from pro- 
police forces in Cincinnati. After 
hearing both sides, he concluded 
that when you send cops to do an 
impossible job, bad things happen. 
We also should correct an error. A 
quote about Prohibition we attrib- 
uted to H.L. Mencken in fact orig- 
inated with Heywood Broun, who 
described Prohibition as a scheme 
to discourage the drinking of good 
beer in favor of indifferent gin. 


THE PRISON BUSINESS 

“Pork Barrel Prisons” (The 
Playboy Forum, February) is dead- 
on. The California Correctional 
Peace Officers Association con- 
trols the prison industry here. 
1 have firsthand knowledge of 
this—I m incarcerated in a California 
prison. My case is one of thousands 
examined by Families to Amend Cali- 
fornia's Three Strikes. The group doc- 
uments the effects of the state's three- 
strikes law, which requires that people 
convicted of three felonies be given long 
prison terms, regardless of the severity 
of the third crime. As a result, people 
convicted of petty crimes such as shop- 
lifting, writing bad checks and selling 
small amounts of drugs are sent away 
for decades. I landed here after being 
convicted of perjury for filling in false 
information on a DMV application. I'd 
been previously convicted three times 
for burglary. In no case was anyone 
hurt. I received 25 years to life. 

Politicians say that without the law, 
violent repeat offenders will remain on 
the streets. I'm not proud of what 1 
did, but I am not a violent criminal. 
Murderers have gotten the same pun- 
ishment that I received, or less. 

George Anderson 

Lancaster, California 


California's prison system is one rea- 
son the state's schools stink. Education 
is not a priority for our governor, Gray 
Davis. It costs tens of millions of dol- 
lars to house nonviolent inmates who 
ought to be released. If there were 
any logic in the Golden State, officials 
would close prisons before cutting $98 
million from the state's education bud- 
get, as happened this year. As long as 
the prison guard union keeps donating 
huge amounts of money to elect politi- 
cians like Davis, no prison will close. 
The self-proclaimed education gover- 
nor is actually an incarceration gover- 
nor. Victimizing prisoners and their 
families will be his legacy. 

Walter Lewis 
Soledad, California 


Lam an inmate in Nevada, where the 
Department of Prisons mirrors Califor- 


nia's system in many disturbing ways. 
‘The prison I'm in has been open since 
the fall of 2000. It currently houses 
2300 prisoners, but it’s not finished 
yet—there are hundreds of acres of 
land here waiting for more prefab units. 
Eventually, the facility will hold 10,000 
prisoners, How will the corrections de- 
partment justify the cost of this super- 
prison? By packing in nonviolent drug 
offenders by the busload. 

In many cases, these are men who 
were caught with marijuana or meth- 
amphetamine. They're not criminals. 
I'm a criminal. I'm serving five years 
for armed robbery—a sentence I de- 
serve. But I'm in the minority. Most of 
the inmates I meet seem to be here for 
nothing more serious than possession. 
These guys belong in treatment cen- 
ters and at work, so they can provide 
for their kids. 


FORUM F.Y. 


COVER UP! 


In Washington, D.C., the Justice Depart- 
ment has installed $8650 worth of TV- 
friendly curtains that conceal a partially 
nude female statue representing the Spirit 
of Justice. lis exposed breast often shows 
up in photos taken at news conferences 
(right). In San Francisco, organizers of a 
benefit performance of The Vagina Mono- 
logues agreed to cover a 300-pound sculp- 
ture of a vulva, a ball made of bras and oth- 
er artwork they'd placed in the 
marble lobby of the Masonic 
Auditorium (top left). The artist 
who created what she bills as 
the “world's biggest pussy” of- 
fered to obscure her sculpture in 
lace during work hours, but the 
theater insisted the covering be 
opaque. In Halifax, England a 
trust commissioned three stat- 
ues for display at the Calderdale 
Royal Hospital. The artist envi- 
sioned two of the three as fe- 
male nudes (one sitting, one 
standing, at left) "because the 
form has always been a means 
to express life, hope, beauty 
and dignity.” The hospital has 
asked the artist to add slips, 
saying the nudes might distress 
its breast-cancer patients. 


Prison guards may have job-related 
stress, but I can't believe it's any worse 
than a kindergarten teacher's. Their 
unions tell horror stories to justify high- 
er salaries. 

Changing the way things are done 
would mean we'd need fewer correc- 
tional officers. But we also would need 
drug counselors and social workers. 
The prison guard unions don’t need to 
rally for political battle. They need to 
consider a new line of work. 

Chris Frasher 
Indian Springs, Nevada 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province. 


59 


60 


y midafternoon on Thursday, 
October 25, 10 people had gath- 
ered in a storefront in West 

Hollywood to bake pot brownies and 

fill 400 sandwich bags with weed. If 

all went according to plan, about two 
pounds of marijuana would be distrib- 
uted the next morning to members of 
the Los Angeles Cannabis Resource 

Co-op, just as the group had been do- 

ing three times every week for the past 

five years. 

Founded in 1996, the Lacrc had 
grown to include 960 members who re- 
lied on marijuana for medical purpos- 
es, including relief from the nausea 
associated with AIDS and cancer treat- 
ments. Pot keeps meds down and ap- 
petites up. It relieves the pain and 
spasticity of multiple sclerosis. It re- 
duces intraocular pressure in glauco- 
ma patients. It's easy to grow and less 
expensive than pharmaceuticals. One 
of the side effects is a pleasant buzz—a 
similar effect to what one might feel on 
codeine or other pain relievers. 

The center had operated with im- 
munity because of Proposition 215. 
Passed in 1996 by California voters, it 
allowed doctors to recommend and se- 
riously ill residents to use (and grow) 
medical marijuana. The federal gov- 
ernment took a different view. Drugs 
not prescribed by a physician are illegal 
and therefore a threat akin to terror- 
ists. That's one conclusion that can be 
drawn from what occurred at the LACRC 
six weeks after September 11, with the 
World Trade Center still smoldering 
and the country on edge because of an 
anthrax scare. 

Around 5 P.M., an officer from the 
Drug Enforcement Administration rang 
the bell at the co-op. Behind him stood 
29 other agents, most armed with pis- 
tols. Their unmarked sedans clogged 
the street. Anyone passing by the non- 
descript building on Santa Monica Bou- 
levard might have assumed a drug king- 
pin lived inside. 

When he heard the bell, Scott Im- 
ler, the center's 43-year-old director, 
looked up at the security monitor in his 
office. He noticed a crowd. Then he 
spotted the letters DEA on the back оба 
Jacket. He raced to the front door, but 
it was too late. The security guard, a 
volunteer with AIDS who had been as- 
signed to check ID cards and prescrip- 


By DEAN KUIPERS 


tions, forgot to look at his own monitor 
before opening the door. Who else 
would it be but a patient or volunteer? 
‘Two agents pinned him against a wall 
as the others swarmed into the build- 
ing, their guns holstered. They herd- 
ed everyone into the lounge, includ- 
ing Imler, who uses cannabis to control 
his epileptic seizures and cluster head- 
aches. One agent asked him for his keys 


to the building while others raised the 
delivery door and backed two rental 
trucks into position. 

As Imler and the others waited, the 
agents searched the offices. According 
to its warrant, the government suspect- 
ed the Lacrc of three federal crimes: 
manufacture of marijuana for sale, 
maintaining a drug house and money 
laundering. 

In the basement, agents chopped up 
the center’s 400 plants and loaded the 
debris into rental trucks. They also car- 
ried out 56 grow lights and an array of 
power tools. Timers used to regulate 
the water intake of the plants couldn't 
be removed from the walls, so the 
agents smashed them. They removed 
the processing units from five comput- 
ers used to track patients and carted 
away 60 boxes of dispensary chits—the 
records of every pot prescription the 


center had ever filled. When a cabinet 
filled with medical records proved too 
heavy to move, the agents dumped its 
contents haphazardly into more boxes. 

Shortly after the raid began, the 
LACRC's attorney, John Duran (who al- 
so serves on the West Hollywood city 
council), arrived. Agents claimed the 
center was a “federal crime scene” and 
that Duran would have to wait outside. 
He asked if he could phone his clients. 
He was told no. 

He waited for nearly six hours. At 11 
P.M., the agents piled into their cars, 
started the trucks and left en masse. 
‘They had with them almost the entire 
contents of the LACRC's offices, exclud- 
ing furniture. They made no arrests. 

‘The next morning, more than 150 
people showed up at the center to fill 
their prescriptions. Either by design or 
accident, the feds had overlooked a six- 
ounce bag of pot in the dispensary. 
"That was just enough for everyone pres- 
ent to get a one-gram dose, and then 
the LACRC was out of business. 

Scott Imler had anticipated the raid 
long before the agents arrived. At one 
time, the movement to legalize medical 
marijuana had been gaining momen- 
tum. Besides California, eight states 
(Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Hawaii, 
Maine, Nevada, Oregon and Washing- 
ton) allow patients to smoke weed un- 
der controlled circumstances. Voters in 
Washington, D.C. also approved a ref- 
erendum, though Congress squashed 
it. But last year the U.S. Supreme 
Court decided that states could not le- 
galize marijuana for any purpose, re- 
gardless of what voters thought. The 
court ruled that the federal Controlled 
Substances Act, which makes marijua- 
na the legal equivalent of heroin and 
cocaine, trumps any local measure. So 
much for states' rights. The ruling co- 
incided with the arrival of Bush ap- 
pointees John Ashcroft as attorney 
general and Asa Hutchinson as direc- 
tor of the DEA. Both men support the 
drug war without exception. 

Federal agents had been harassing 
other pot clubs before September 11, 
but the attacks forced them to suspend 
their campaign—for two weeks. On 
September 28, DEA agents took thou- 
sands of records from a medical re- 
search center in El Dorado County. 
The California Medical Association 


denounced the raid, saying it threat- 
ened the confidential physician-patient 
relationship. It wondered why federal 
agents were “tossing doctor's offices” in 
a time of national crisis. On that same 
day, agents raided the Lacrc’s gardens 
in Ventura County, removing 342 plants 
and cultivation equipment. 

So on October 25, Imler was more 
saddened than surprised to see the 
DEA at his door. The agency admits 
it targeted the тАСЕС because the cen- 
ter had generated too much publicity, 
which flew in the face of the official line 
that marijuana use has to be stamped 

t. “In light of the Supreme Court 
ruling, it became incumbent upon us 
to establish federal law with regard to 
this cannabis buyers club, which was 
basically being flaunted,” said a DEA 
spokesman. 

In fact, the LACRC is a 
model of civic responsibili- 
ty and of the American way 
of revolutionary change. 
Imler, a former high 
school teacher, tested the 
waters in 1992 by pushing 
an ordinance in Santa 
Cruz County that legalized 
medical marijuana there. 
Over the next four years, 
he worked to get the issue 
on the state ballot. Before 
the Lackc opened its doors 
to patients, Imler and his 
board met with the Los An- 
geles County sheriff and 
the West Hollywood City 
Council to coordinate how 
it would be integrated with 
the legal and health care 
systems. Everyone seemed 
content with the arrange- 
ment—except the White 
House. 

‘To prevent anyone from abusing the 
system, the club created ID cards for 
patients who could produce valid doc- 
tors’ prescriptions. Since the raid, Im- 
ler has spent most of his time recon- 
structing the LACRC's records. He also 
takes regular calls from local deputies 
attempting to confirm that a person 
found with pot is a member of the club. 

Captain Lynda Castro, who oversees 
the West Hollywood office of the LA 
Sheriff's Department, condemned the 
DEA raid and defends the way her of- 
fice monitors the club. She relates an 
anecdote about a co-op member whose 
neighbor turned him in for growing a 
potted marijuana plant on his stoop. 
Her officers impounded the weed. But 
once they had received certification 
from the Lacrc (including a copy of the 
prescription), a deputy gave the man 


and his plant a ride home. 

Had the Justice Department been i 
volved, the man might still be in j: 
Federal authorities have been mired in 
paranoia since Richard Nixon launched 
the drug war in 1971. Even the Gener- 
al Accounting Office, the investigative 
arm of Congress generally viewed as 
an independent watchdog, appears to 
be entrenched. Last summer an offi- 
cial from the GAO told Imler that his 
agency had been directed by Congress 
(specifically, the Government Reform 
Subcommittee on Criminal Justice 
Drug Policy and Human Resources) to 
review medical marijuana facilities. 
Paul Jones, director of the GAO team, 
says its main interest was how the club 
makes sure pot goes to prescribed us- 
ers. When the four investigators ar- 


rived, however, Imler says they seemed 
interested only in examining the base- 
ment grow room and in learning more 
about the club's Ventura County gar- 
dens. An hour after they left, a judge 
signed a warrant authorizing a raid on 
the Ventura gardens, which took place 
the following day. Jones says there is no 
connection between the events: “We 
don't show our information until the 
report is done, and then only to the re- 
quester in Congress.” The GAO's re- 
port is expected in August. 

Imler says the LACRC has not grown 
or distributed marijuana since the Oc- 
tober raid. Patients must grow their 
own or find a dealer. With its stubborn 
and senseless marijuana policy, the 
White House has provided a stimulus 
package for the illegal drug trade. 

Following the raid, a grand jury re- 
viewed the two truckloads of material 


seized from the Lace. As of presstime, 
there's been no word about its conclu- 
sions. Pot clubs in the Bay Area hid 
their medical records in anucipation of 
more raids. San Francisco officials de- 
clared the city a sanctuary for medical 
marijuana, and the district attorney 
made it clear his office and other city 
agencies would not be assisting in any 
raids. These measures, however, could 
not protect the clubs. On February 12, 
hours before DEA director Hutchinson 
gave a speech at the Commonwealth 
Club in San Francisco in which he 
claimed “science has told us so far 
there is no medical benefit to smoking 
marijuana” (a disingenuous claim giv- 
en that the government refuses to al- 
low researchers access to marijuana so 
they can test the drug's effectiveness), 
his agents raided the 
Sixth Street Harm Re- 
duction Center along 
with several of its al- 
leged suppliers, includ- 
ing onein British Colum- 
bia. The agency arrested 
four people, including 
the center's executive di- 
rector, and seized 8300 
plants. 

Just as in Los Angeles, 
agents ransacked the 
center, which fills pre- 
scriptions for about 200 
patients each day, and 
loaded a rental truck 
with plants and other ev- 
idence. The center was 
able to locate other sourc- 
es of marijuana and re- 
opened within hours. 
Protestors, including four 
city supervisors, later 
disrupted Hutchinson's 
тиса yelling “liar,” blowing ka- 
zoos outside and chanting “Go away, 
DEA.” Tom Ammiano, president of 
the board of supervisors, stood before 
the crowd and called the Drug En- 
forcement Administration “obnoxious” 
and “grandstanding,” adding, “I don't 
want somebody in my house who isn't 
invited.” 

In Washington, D.C. that same day, 
Attorney General Ashcroft issued the 
federal government's latest warning 
that another attack on the U.S. could 
be imminent. The government then 
distributed the names and photo- 
graphs of 15 suspects. The DEA ac- 
knowledges that “there are other 
events going on in the world that are 
of acrisis nature” but says “the citizens 
of the United States expect us to contin- 
ue to do our job." Otherwise, of course, 
the terrorists win. 


61 


N E W 


Sy gale IR 


OF NIT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


DON К Н 


warsaw—Ani Internet company is offer- 
ing women a “contraceplion service” via 
their mobile phones. A woman first an- 
swers questions online about her menstrual 


cycle, then receives text messages to indi- 
cate when she’s ovulating (and therefore 
fertile). The company expects the service to 
do well because 90 percent of Poland's 
population is Roman Catholic, and the 
Church forbids artificial methods of birth 
control. 


HONOLULU—The dress code at Kaimu- 
ki High School forbids gang symbols and 
clothing that promotes alcohol, tobacco, 
profanity or Satanism. That last provision 
bothered the Hawaii Citizens for the Sepa- 
ration of State and Church. It said of the 
restriction: “It singles out one religion over 
others, and you can't do that under the 
Constitution: If you can wear a shirt that 
says JESUS LOVES YOU, you should be able 
to wear a shirt that has a pentagram.” The 
school agreed and revised the code. 


ARVADA, COLORADO—Ex-lovers David 
Rosenthal and Barbara Newman spent 
more than $30,000 in legal fees bickering 
over the surname of their two-year-old 
daughter. He wanted Newman-Rosenthal, 


she wanted Rosenthal Newman (no hy- 
phen). Newman claimed the girl responds 


тоте readily to her last name. Rosenthal 
said, “She responds to ‘punkinhead’ too.” 
A judge ruled that the child's last name 
would be Newman-Rosenthal. 

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY—Edward For- 
chion, who is serving a 10-year prison sen- 
tence for possession of and intent to dis- 
tribute marijuana, wants to change his 
name to match his online domain, Njweed 
man.com. The county prosecutor is fight- 
ing the request, claiming that Forchion 
wants to be known as a URL to promote 
his illegal business. Forchion says it’s a gim- 
mick to sell copies of his books. 


DOWN ON SHIRTS 


DELAWARE, OHIO—Ohio Wesleyan Uni- 
versity officials ordered the rugby team to 
stop wearing T-shirts that read we MAY 
NOT GO DOWN IN HISTORY, BUT WE'LL GO 
DOWN ON YOUR SISTER. The moderator of 
the campus women's house said the shirts 
“target women." However, administrators 
said nothing about T-shirts worn by the 
women’s swim team that read We SWIM FOR 
DICK—a tribute to their coach, Richard 
Hawes Jr. 


[ac BUSTE[] oz 


AUSTIN, TEXAS—Folice said they would 
ticket any woman who bared her breasts 
during the city's Mardi Gras parade, ex- 
pressing concern that flashing could lead 
to violence. Resident Caroline Estes called 
for a mass "tit-in" of topless women and 
drag queens. She noted that city law does 
not prohibit women from going topless. 
"I'm 43, and I'm not going to incite any 
riot with my breasts,” she said. “I might 
start a stampede the other way.” 


үр THUMB HERE == 


RICHMOND, VIRGINIA—Following Sep- 
tember 11, investigators discovered that 
several of the hijackers had used fake Vir- 
ginia driver's licenses. In response, a Re- 
publican state senator introduced a bill 
that would require every person who ap- 
plies for a new or updated license to pro- 
vide the DMV with a thumbprint. The 
print would be reproduced on the license, 
and banks or government agencies could 
be allowed to demand a matching print. 
Other options discussed included submit- 
ting a DNA sample or sitting for an eye 
scan. When privacy activists voiced con- 
cerns, the senator responded: “Those who 


say George Orwell has arrived in Rich- 
mond should look over their shoulders. He 
got here 10 years ago.” 


STOCKHOLM—A man who did a 

deed for a lesbian couple now finds himself 
the father of three kids. The man had do- 
nated his sperm to the women on three oc- 
casions so they could have children. When 
the women’s relationship ended last year, 
the children’s biological mother took the 
man to court. A judge ordered him to pay 
$280 per month in support. 


NAMED VICTORY Н 


TORONTO—Police suspected that orga- 
nizers of a lesbian party called the Pussy 
Palace might be violating their liquor li- 
cense by allowing visitors to have sex, so 
the department sent two female undercover 
agents to investigate. Soon after, the wom- 
en called in five male officers to raid the 
gathering, which was being held in a rent- 
ed bathhouse. The cops spent 90 minutes 
on the scene, where about 70 percent of 
the 350 participants were topless or nude. 
That lingering prompted a judge to dis- 
miss all charges brought against the hosts. 


He ruled that the partygoers had a reason- 


able expectation of privacy and that the of- 


ficers had unnecessarily humiliated them. 
In their defense, the cops testified that the 
women didn't appear us "They just 
continued lounging and drinking,” one of 
the police officers said. "One joked that I 
was overdressed.” 


Jealousy rears its ugly head. 


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PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: CURT SCHILLING 


a candid conversation with the diamondbacks’ ace about world series heroics, mi- 
nor league sex, playing with pain and how his laptop helps him smoke derek jeter 


The World Series hero as gung ho geek? 
You might think so, given Curt Schilling’s 
collections of sports and military memorabil- 
іа and his fondness for role-playing games. 
But put a baseball in his hand and Schilling 
changes from Dilbert to Superman, а 64”, 
230-pound fireballer who humbles .300 hit- 
ters. Last year Schilling, 35, won 22 games 
and lost only six for the Arizona Diamond- 
backs, with an earned run average of just 
2.98. He dueled teammate Randy Johnson 
for supremacy among big league pitchers, 
and together they led the D-backs into a clas- 
sic World Series against the mighty Yankees. 
And when game seven began, it was Schil- 
ling who took the ball for his team. Pressure? 
Nah. Schilling, who makes $10 million a 
year, knew what to expect that night. He had 
worked it all out on his laptop. 

Life wasn't always so predictable for the 
Anchorage-born right-hander, who grew up 
in Alaska, Arizona, Missouri and other plac- 
es the Army sent his father. Cliff Schilling 
was a master sergeant with a pragmatic 
worldview. “Don't expect life to be fair. You'll 
be disappointed,” he told his only son. “All 
you can do is take what comes and deal with 
it.” Cliff Schilling had a heart attack in mid- 
dle age and died when Curt was just 21. 
Though he didn’t live long enough to see his 
son pitch in the majors, he knew where Curt 


Г 
і А 


“You hear a player say he's not 100 percent. 
Well, 1 haven't been 100 percent for 17 
years. Not since high school. But as long as 
Гт nol injured, which means hurt too bad to 
get guys ош, then I want the ball.” 


was headed. “Son,” he said, “you have a gift. 
You are going to pitch in the big leagues.” 

Curt made his major league debut in 
1988, eight mouths after his dad died. The 
hid was smart enough to know how to spell 
discipline, but dumb enough to think he 
didn't need any. His first team, the Orioles, 
traded him to the Houston Astros, who made 
him their closer: He flopped, got demoted and 
was shipped off to Philadelphia. In 1993 he 
went 16-7 for the Phillies, but by 1996, the 
year he turned 30, his career record was 52 
wins, 52 losses. 

Then something strange began to happen. 
The middling 30-year-old morphed into a 
35-year-old superstar. Such mysteries can be 
hard to explain, but three events played vital 
roles: Schilling became a father, he emerged 
from arm surgery with а better fastball and 
he got an attitude adjustment from noted 
sports psychologist Roger Clemens. Another 
way to look at it: Schilling grew up. The re- 
sults are clear between the baselines as well 
as off the field, where he has become а spokes- 
man for the world champion Diamondbacks, 
for other ballplayers, even for Americans 
who don't know a slider from a slurve. When 
the team visited Manhattan during the Se- 
ries, it was Schilling who gave a passion- 
ate, patriatic speech that left rescue work- 
ers in tears. 


“In my sport, you do whatever works. If you 
don't have sex and you win the game, you 
don't have sex the next time, If it's three times 
on the day you pitch, you keep it at three 
times. My wife understands ай that." 


Schilling has been what baseball people 
call a horse—an ace who takes the ball every 
fifth day, wins 15 or more games а year and. 
gels richer than most other athletes. From 
1997 through 2001 his record was 80-49, 
with a 3.28 ERA and a blazing 1232 strike- 
outs in 1170 innings. Those are Hall of 
Fame numbers, and Schilling's brilliance in 
the regular season pales beside his mastery in 
last fall’s playoffs and World Series, when he 
went 4-0 with a 1.12 ERA. For one of the 
best postseasons ever, he shared Series MVP 
honors with Johnson. 

We sent Kevin Cook lo meel baseball's reign- 
ing superstar and to get to the bottom of his 
impressive transformation. Cook reports: 

“For a $10 million a year jock, he's kind 
of lumpy. Dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, 
looking pink in Arizona's desert sun, Schil- 
ling could pass for the star of the local bowl- 
ing league. “This isn't a body," he likes to say, 
‘it’s a cruel family joke.’ We met at his huge 
new house in Paradise Valley, northwest of 
Phoenix. Casa Curt is across the street from 
D-backs first baseman Mark Grace's house, 
just up the road from Johnson's. 

“Curt dandled two-year-old Grant, the 
youngest of his three kids, while I stared 
down a burly rottweiler named Slider. This 
four-time All-Star isn't just а thinking man’s 
pitcher. He is a thinking man. When 1 


| E Pani 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY MARK HENDRICKSON 
“Some fans seem to think that because we 
make so much money, we can't have values 
or opinions. Of course it's preposterous for 
me to make $9.9 million more than my son’s 
first-grade teacher. That’s our system.” 


65 


PLAYBOY 


66 


mentioned the dodecahedron-shaped dimples 
оп а brand-new golf ball, he took a look and 
said, "Those are hexagons.” One of my fa- 
тоғИе moments came when he jumped 
up, grabbed his laptop and brought up a se- 
quence of pitches he threu' in last year's 
World Series. As we watched grainy video of 
Schilling facing Derek Jeter; he narrated, ex- 
plaining his thinking on the mound. For me, 
it was like getting a quick voice lesson from 
Sinatra. It was clear that the thought behind 
every pitch was as important as the fire on 
Schilling’s 97-mile-an-hour fastball, 

“We talked for half the day, starting with 
a flashback to the best of all baseball mo- 


ments, game seven of the World Series.” 


PLAYBOY: In the ninth inning of game 
seven, the Yankees led your Diamond- 
backs, 2-1. They had 
Mariano Rivera on the 
mound. You thought 
your team was done, 
didn’t you? 
SCHILLING: I felt like, 
Aw, it’s over. Baseball 
players know the 
numbers, and in that 
situation Rivera is 
practically a lock. I'm 
in the dugout, think- 
ing I'm going to be the 
losing pitcher in game 
seven of the World 
Series. But Mark 
Grace gets a hit. Gra- 
cie gets us going, and 
then Rivera makes a 
bad play on a bunt— 
he fails to make a fun- 
damental play we've 
all practiced since 
spring training. Now 
we have a rally, and 
the whole world chang- 
es in two or three min- 
utes. I was just wish- 
ing I could sce it. 
PLAYBOY: You weren't 
able to see from the 
dugout? 
SCHILLI No. No, I 
couldn't. I was behind 
Randy Johnson. 
PLAYBOY: Why didn't you move? 
SCHILLING: You can't move when there's 
a rally going! The one time in that in- 
ning when I jumped up to see what was 
happening, we bunted into an out at 
third base. 

PLAYBOY: With the series on the line, Yan- 
kees manager Joe Torre brought in his 
infield. It was a tough call. His infielders: 
might save a run on a ground ball, but 
a blooper could go over their heads 
Were you glad to see Torre bring in the 
infield? 

SCHILLING: Absolutely. In New York, 
game five, they kept the infield back. 
Reggie Sanders hit a line drive up the 
middle and Alfonso Soriano caught it 
with the last bit of webbing in his glove— 


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one of those Yankee miracle plays. Now 
they bring the infielders in, and Gonzo 
hits one over them. 

PLAYBOY: You had to sec Luis Gonzalez" 
game-winning hit. 

SCHILLING: Not until three and a half 
weeks later, when I called it up on the 
web. When it happened I was sitting 
there, blocked out. But from the way our 
guys started jumping around, I knew he 
hadn't popped up. 

PLAYBOY: You started that game on three 
days rest. During the regular season you 
get four, but you and Johnson pushed 
your limits last fall, pitching on short rest. 
through the postseason. 

SCHILLING: R.J. and I sat down with the 
skipper, Bob Brenly, before the Series. 


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We said, “If you want to throw us on 
three days’ rest, do it. Don't think you're 
pushing us or reaching into some magic 
bag of tricks. We'll get the job done.” 
PLAYBOY: Could you have made another 
start on short rest? Two more starts? 
SCHILLING: I don't know how many. There 
are times when you reach down and find 
out things you never knew about your- 
self. I count myself lucky, because a lot 
of people never get to do that, to go up 
against their limits and sce if they can go 
past them. 

PLAYBOY: But your arm doesn't care about 
pep talks. Wasn't it hurting? 

SCHILUNG: I was sore alter game four. 1 
had what I call resting soreness. Your 
arm might hurt when you throw, that's 


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one thing. But it's something different if 
you're sitting around with the kids and 
it's throbbing. That's not just fatigue: 
PLAYBOY: That's something worse. 
SCHILLING: But І always have that late 
in the season. After 200-some innings, 
you'd be sore, too. It’s not the same as 
being hurt 

PLAYBOY: What's the difference between 
sore and hurt? 

SCHILLING: You can't play if you're hurt. 
But if it’s just pain, you play. That's a dif- 
ference some guys don't understand, 
even in the big leagues. You'll hear a 
player say he can't go, he's not 100 per- 
cent, Well, I haven't been 100 percent 
for 17 years. Not since high school. But 
as long as lm not injured, which means 
hurt too bad to get 
guys out, then I want 
the ball. 


PLAYBOY: Your family 
trated | Bas had some serious 
Ext modelin abo] hid gow. | health problems late- 
ing pony" (Л 


ly. At various times 
last season your son 
and wifc were hos- 
pitalized. How can 
you pitch under those 
conditions? 

SCHILLING: I'm analyti- 
cal about it. When the 
playoffs started last 


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breathing. Butit's like 
my father always said: 
Life isn’t fair. You just 
have to take what 
it deals you. A sick 
child? Something like 
that consumes your 
every waking thought 
when you're not work- 
ing, but during the 
game I focus on my 
pitching. 

PLAYBOY: That takes 
discipline. 
SCHILLING: What it 
takes is a strong wife. 
My wife, Shonda, said, 
"Here's the situation, and we are go- 
ing to deal with it,” That's how we got 
through our scare with Grant and an- 
other one we had with Gehrig, our older 
son. Gehrig is six. He had a mole on his 
foot. There's skin cancer in our family; 
the doctor didn't like the look of that 
mole. On the morning of the last game 
of the World Series, we got the results of 
the biopsy. Negative—Gehrig was fine. 
PLAYBOY: Your wife had the biggest scare 
of all. 

SCHILLING: We found out last year, dur- 
ing spring training, that Shonda had 
skin cancer. It’s a shock, but she han- 
dled it as few human beings could have. 
She had her fourth surgery two weeks 
ago. It had to be under local anesthesia, 


May 2001 


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child. 1 sat in on this one. 1 really had no 
idea how much cutting they do. She had 
four incisions, each one about four inch- 
es wide and a couple inches deep. 
PLAYBOY: What is her prognosis? 
SCHILLING: So far, she's clean. Every- 
thing's fine. 

PLAYBOY: Shonda bas a blood condition 
as well. 

SCHILLING: Right. When she was preg- 
nant with Grant, she developed an arte- 
rial blood dot in her leg. Turns out she 
had a rare blood disorder, like her moth- 
er. She'll be on blood thinners for the 
rest of her life. She gets an injection 
every day—sometimes 1 give her the 
shot. And then, about a year ago, Shon- 
da's thyroid shuts down. With all that 
plus three kids plus my career to deal 
with, it's a humongous burden. But she 
amazes me. You know, a lot of ballpla 
ers talk about “marrying over your sk 
It means that if you didn't play pro ball, 
you could never get a girl of this caliber. 
Shonda was Miss Photogenic in the Miss 
Maryland pageant, probably the sexiest 
woman I ever met, a beautiful woman 
who conceded a lot of her identity to be 
ту wife and the mother of my children. 
I married over my skis. 

PLAYBOY: We've heard that the next ba- 
by was conceived during the World Se- 
ries. Randy Johnson's wife said that 
Shonda was making sure that you were 


a relaxed pitcher. 

SCHILLING: It’s true. A Series conception 
with an All-Star break delivery, we hope. 
PLAYBOY: Heavyweight champ Lennox 
Lewis told us he follows the old boxing 
rule: no sex before a big fight. 
SCHILLING: In my sport, you do whatever 
works. If you don't have sex and then 
win the game, you don't have sex the 
next time. If it's sex three times on the 
day you pitch, you keep it at three times. 
My wife understands all that. She's in 
tune with what it takes. On occasion she 
has pulled some tricks out of her closet, 
and they have worked. 

PLAYBOY: Has she cver rolled her eyes 
and said, “Oh, no, he won again”? 
SCHILLING: [Smiling] I remember a time 


ve years ago you were an av- 
erage pitcher, a 30-year-old with a career 
record of 52-52. How did you go from 
mediocre to stellar? 

SCHILLING: First, I got my shoulder fixed 
by a great doctor, Craig Morgan. And 
I got religion about taking care of my 
shoulder. You know how runners take 
care of their legs? I’m like that with 
my arm. 

PLAYBOY: What happened to your arm? 
SCHILLING: At first it was misdiagnosed. 
One night I was pitching in Colorado, 
throwing 92, 93 miles an hour. Next in- 
ning I can't throw 87. Nothing hurt, but 


the next morning I couldn't lift my arm 
over my shoulder. The Phillies’ team 
doctor at the time sent me for an MRI. A 
couple of days later, I get a phone call 
“We had one of the technicians take a 
look at your films,” he says, “and you 
have a torn rotator cuff. So go out and 
play catch, see how it feels.” 

PLAYBOY: Was this 1995 or 1930? 
SCHILLING: My thought exactly. But Jeff 
Cooper, the team trainer, gave me Dr. 
Morgan's number, and that saved my ca- 
reer. It wasn't a rotator cuff. 1 had a 
SLAP lesion. 

PLAYBOY: A slap what? 

SCHILLING: Lesion. In my labrum, which 
is like a thick rubber band around your 
shoulder. It stabilizes the shoulder when 
you throw. My labrum was torn off the 
bone. Morgan made three little holes 
and fixed it arthroscopically, and after a 
lot of rehab I actually gained three or 
four miles an hour on my fastball. 
PLAYBOY: Is Morgan famous for doing 
that? 

SCHILLING: He's more of an outcast. 
Baseball has a little circle of medical peo- 
ple, and if you're not in it, they don't 
vant to hear what you can do. They send 
players back and forth to each other, and 
if something goes wrong they cover each 
other's butts. 

PLAYBOY: You'd think teams would be 
careful with the guys they're paying mil- 
lions of dollars. 


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SCHILLING: Look under the surface. 
There's a story there. 1 mean, if they 
misdiagnose me, who's going to know? 
Will they cut open my shoulder and say, 
“Hey, nothing wrong here. We must 
have messed up”? No. A guy goes in to 
get his arm fixed and if he comes back, 
great. If not, he's a statistic. 

PLAYBOY: You had other problems with 
the Phillies. You said they weren't trying 
to win. They shipped you to Arizona. 
SCHILLING: Ed Wade is the Phillies’ gen- 
eral manager, and Eddie and I had a 
love-hate thing. He'd say, “Every fifth 
day, Curt's our horse. On the other four 
days he’s a horse's ass.” Philadelphia is 
an old-school organization, a bunch of 
older folks with old money. Winning the 
World Series isn't necessarily the bottom 
line for them. The Diamondbacks are 
different. Jerry Colangelo gives us ev- 
erything we need, from money to good 
facilities to day care for our kids. In re- 
turn, he expects us to win champion- 
ships. 1 think that's fair. 

PLAYBOY: You weren't always such a win- 
ner. Weren't you a goofball as a rookie, 
with streaked hair and an earring? 
SCHILLING: Before I came up I was with 
the Rochester Red Wings, the Orioles’ 
AAA team. So I shaved a line in the side 
of my head and painted it in the team 
colors, red and blue. OK, it was stupid— 
kind of a football thing to do. Drinking 
beers with the hosts on a Rochester radio 
show was stupid, too. The Orioles kept 
sending a team psychologist to Roches- 
ter to see me. He said, "Listen, your off- 
field habits are costing you. They can’t 
trust you to act like a big leaguer.” But 
I didn't learn. One night in 1990, after 
I got back to the majors, we were play- 
ing a big game in Toronto. Kelly Gru- 
ber comes up, and I'm running our of 
the bullpen, asking, “How do I pitch to 
this guy?” 

PLAYBOY: Hadn't you discussed it with the 
coaches and catchers before the game? 
SCHILLING: I wasn't paying attention. So 
now it's ball one. Ball two. Game-win- 
ning homer. In the locker room, Jeff Bal- 
lard just went off on me: "Fucking be pre- 
pared to pitch?” That's when it hit me that 
I had a duty to my teammates. It's bad 
enough to cost them one game. You'd 
sure better not let it happen twice. 
PLAYBOY: Still, Roger Clemens sat you 
down for a talk in 1991. 

SCHILLING: By then I was with the Astros. 
Our strength coach told me that Roger 
wanted to see me. I said, “Oh, cool— 
Roger Clemens!” But it was an ass-chew- 
ing. Roger said, “Sit down and listen. It's 
time for you to wake up.” 

PLAYBOY: He wasn't even a teammate. 
SCHILLING: No, but he thought 1 had a 
good arm. “I see a guy with an arm that 
can do anything,” he said, “but he's go- 
ing to waste away to nothing.” He talked 
about preparation, and about why you 
pitch. You do it for the respect of your 


teammates, the respect of your oppo- 
nents, and your family name. 

PLAYBOY: Did you thank him for what he 
said that day? 

SCHILLING: Sure. I said, “I want you to 
know I appreciate this.” He said, “I'll 
know if you appreciate it when I watch 
what happens.” 

PLAYBOY: More than 10 years later, you 
faced him in game seven. 

SCHILLING: The coolest thing happened 
after we won. I came out of the press 
conference and Roger was waiting for 
me. He gave me a hug and said, “I want 
you to know how proud I am of you.” 
"That's when I choked up. He's one of 
the guys I occasionally think about when 
I pitch. I want to impress him with my 
work. It's peer pressure. When we play 
the Braves, I'm aware of Greg Maddux 
and Tom Glavine, sitting there watching. 
You can't help wondering what they 
think. On our team, it’s Randy. 

PLAYBOY: As much as you love Clemens, 
isn’t he a headhunter? 

SCHILLING: That's tough to talk about. I 
once asked Bob Gibson about his reputa- 
tion as a headhunter, and һе said, “I пеу- 
er drilled people. I wanted to clean the 
inside part of the plate.” Frank Robinson 
was the guy he hit more than anyone 
else, but Gibson swears he never tried to 
do it, because Frank would hit a homer 
the next time up. Some teams had stand- 
ing orders: Don't hit Frank, because he'll 
hit a home run. 

PLAYBOY: Nolan Ryan was another guy 
who threw at people. Isn't it wrong to 
put a batter's life in danger? 

SCHILLING: Look, you have to pitch in- 
side. You can’t let guys dive out over the 
plate and hammer the ball. So what can 
the pitcher do? He can make the hitter 
conscious of the inside corner. If I make 
you think about the ball inside, and I 
throw a ball 95 miles an hour on the out- 
side corner, you won't hit it. It’s basically 
impossible. 

PLAYBOY: But there's a difference be- 
tween headhunting and pitching inside. 
You can back a hitter off the plate at 
waist level. 

SCHILLING: Backing a guy up does noth- 
ing. In the major leagues, there are 
three balls inside that matter—the one 
thar hits a guy, the one that knocks him 
on his ass and the one that jams the crap 
out of him and breaks his bat. You pitch 
for effect, and that's how you have an ef- 
fect on a hitter. His teammates see it, too. 
PLAYBOY: Don't batters get mad and try 
harder, like Robinson? 

SCHILLING: Not all of them. Some hitters, 
you knock them down and they're done 
for the rest of the game. 

PLAYBOY: Name a player who you hit on 
purpose. 

SCHILLING: Scott Elarton. And he knew 
why. He was pitching for the Astros last 
year and he hit one of our guys. It was 
blatant retaliation for a base hit. So 1 


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threw at Elarton and hit him. We saw 
each other in the weight room the next 
day and said hello. He understood. 
PLAYBOY: What if you maim or killa man? 
Could you live with that? 

SCHILLING: Гус come close. But the guys 
I've thrown in on are guys I knew could 
get out of the way. 

PLAYBOY: Who is the most dangerous 
pitcher you ever saw? 

SCHILLING: Rob Dibble. I love Rob now, 
but that guy had no regard for where 
the ball was going. 

PLAYBOY: What about Ryan? 

SCHILLING: He hit very few guys in the 
head, mainly because they were nev- 
er comfortable facing him—they were 
ready to get out of the way. 

PLAYBOY: You make it sound tough to be 
a big league hitter. 

SCHILLING: It’s the hardest thing in 
sports. I could hit in high school, but 
now I'll be up at the plate thinking, 
There is no way I can hit that. The fans 
don't really see that. One of the odd 
things about baseball is that 90 percent 
of the fans have played our sport. They 
sit out there saying, “I can hit that.” But 
give me a crowd of 50,000 people and 
49,500 ofthem couldn't play catch witha 
big league ballplayer. The velocities at 
this level are such that you can't compre- 
hend the speed unless you try it. 
PLAYBOY: Who did you face in your first 
big league at-bat? 

SCHILLING: Dibblc! I singled up the mid- 
dle to drive in a run. He throws at the 
next hitter and we get into a brawl 
PLAYBOY: What do you think of the rule 
that lets umpires eject pitchers they 
think are throwing at batters? 
SCHILLING: It’s the stupidest rule ever, 
and umpires hate it. It’s asking them to 
read my mind. Let's say it's game seven 
and I drill Clemens, just to pay him back 
for every guy he ever drilled. Then he 
throws at me and gets ejected. That rule 
could change an entire season. 

PLAYBOY: Tell us about rookies and veter- 
ans. The vets were tough on the young 
players when you came up. 

SCHILLING: Га been a big leaguer for 
about three minutes when I walked into 
the Orioles’ clubhouse. Mickey Tettleton 
was sitting by his locker. І smiled. He 
said, “What the fuck are you looking 
at?” The guys on that team—him, Billy 
Ripken, Joe Orsulak, Jim Traber—they 
were relentless. They'd rip you about 
your clothes, your hair, your body, your 
car, your girlfriend. They would break 
you down. I'd go home almost in tears. I 
thought those guys despised me, but it 
was just how they treated rookies. Today 
if you rag a young player, he'll take it 
personally. He'll either want to fight or 
demand a trade. 

PLAYBOY: Were you a mischievous kid in 
high school? 

SCHILLING: No. I didn't do drugs—never 


70 cven experimented—and didn't hang 


around the popular jocks. 
PLAYBOY: That's a funny thing for a big 
league star to say. 

SCHILLING: I was no star. My cousin start- 
ed ahead of me at third base on the 
school team. One of life's ironies—we're 
still close, and now he sells beer at Bank 
One Ballpark. Back then, I got cut from 
the varsity baseball team my junior year. 
My dad just said, “Deal with it.” Some of 
the dads of the other guys who got cut 
started a petition. They wanted to get 
the coach fired. One of those fathers 
came to our door with the petition and 
my dad said, “You will turn around and 
walk away from my house. If you don't 
want your son to grow up, that’s your 
problem. Mine is going to learn to stand 
on his own.” 

PLAYBOY: Your father, Cliff, was an Ar- 
my man. 

SCHILLING: He was in the 10151 Airborne, 
the Screaming Eagles. He was big, like 
me, but wasn'ta big talker. But we would 
siton the couch watching Cubs games on 
cable, talking about leadoff walks and 
first-pitch strikes. I can still see him in 
his blue shorts, nasty-ass white socks and 


Today everybody wants to hit 
a home run and be on Sports 
Center. You have leadoff hit- 
ters striking out more than 
100 times a year. I just love 
a guy who strikes out like that. 


T-shirt. He was a Pirates fan, born in 
Somerset, Pennsylvania. When he took 
me to my first big league game, it was a 
Pirates game—Roberto Clemente's last 
game, in fact. 

PLAYBOY: That was 1972, so you were on- 
ly five. Do you remember Clemente? 
SCHILLING: I remember getting lost in the 
stadium and crying. A security guard 
brought me back to my dad. 

PLAYBOY: Your father had to leave the 
Army after he had a heart attack. 
SCHILLING: He had a triple bypass and 
eventually a melanoma developed on his 
nose. Then he got lung cancer. In the 
winter of 1987 we found out it had 
spread to his brain. One day the doctors 
told us he might have six months to live. 
He lived for three days. But the night 
before he died, we sat up talking until 
four in the morning. We had never done 
that before. We talked about pitching, 
life, everything. The next morning, I 
was getting ready to drive him to the air- 
port. He was going to have a bowl of 
soup. The funny thing is, he always used 
to fake heart attacks. He’d grab his chest 
and roll his eyes, just joking. That's how 
he looked that morning, but I knew it 


wasn't a joke. It was a massive heart at- 
tack. His eyes were still open; I was talk- 
ing to him, trying to get a pulse, calling 
911. I remember holding the IV bag in 
the ambulance, holding it up above him, 
and when we got to the hospital my arm 
was about to fall off. 

Half an hour later, a doctor comes out. 
He says that my dad's on life support. 
There's no brain activity. 1 had to decide, 
and I did what he would have wanted. 
They stopped the life support, then I 
went in to say goodbye. Не was cold, his 
skin was so cold. I went out and called 
my mom, who was in Colorado, waiting 
for his planc. "Dad's not coming,” I said. 
"He's... gone." Then I just remember 
driving in my truck, pulling over to the 
side of the road and crying so hard I was 
almost convulsing. 

PLAYBOY: You have had your share of 
turmoil 
SCHILLING: One thing that offends me is 
when people say, "Boy, your wife's get- 
ting cancer sure puts things in perspec- 
tive for you." They assume I lack per- 
spective, because of what I do. But 
Shonda and I have been working with 
people affected by ALS—Lou Gehrig's 
disease—for 11 years. They've given us 
all the perspective we'll ever need on life 
and death. I mean, my kids are comfort- 
able around people in wheelchairs. One 
of them, Dick Bergeron, e-mails me ev- 
ery night before 1 pitch. Dick is in the 
latter stages of the illness. Last spring 
he e-mailed me and promised he would 
live through the year ifwe would win the 
World Series. The night of game seven 1 
e-mailed him: OK, you're still breathing. 
It’s up to me to deliver on my end. 
PLAYBOY: As if you needed any more 
pressure. 

SCHILLING: We're in touch with a lot of 
ALS people, and I know they watch the 
games. When I do bad, they have bad 
days. It's an incentive. 

PLAYBOY: Did you hear from Dick Ber- 
geron after the game? 

SCHILLING: He said thanks, and I said, 
“Now you've got to hang around anoth- 
er year, so we can repeat.” 

PLAYBOY: Will the Diamondbacks repeat? 
SCHILLING: If Todd Stottlemyre is 
healthy, we might do even better than 
last year. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about your start in 
pro ball. You were drafted out of junior 
college by the Red Sox. 

SCHILLING: Ray Boone signed me—Bob 
Boonc's father, Bret and Aaron's grand- 
father. I got a $15,000 bonus, bought a 
used Jeep and gave the rest to my dad. 
The club flew me to Elmira, New York, a 
town I had never heard of. We got paid 
monthly. My first month as a pro I made 
$6000. I took that check to the bank and 
got 300 $20s, threw them on the bed in 
my hotel room and just lay there, watch- 
ing TV. 
PLAYBOY: Did you like minor league life? 


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PLAYBOY 


SCHILLING: It's like living in a frat house 
with no classes and getting paid for it. In 
all these little towns, where the ballpark 
is the center of things, you're а bigwig. 
That's a lot of power for a 19- or 20-year- 
old, and 1 played it for all it was worth. 
The Garage Door in Rochester was like 
my home. I'd walk behind the bar, open 
a beer and hang out with the guys. 
PLAYBOY: What time did the Garage Door 
close? 

SCHILLING: When we left. 

PLAYBOY: Were you a big drinker? 
SCHILLING: I was a big guy, so I could 
throw down my share. Never hard li- 
quor, but I drank a lot of Bud Light. 
Three six-packs was nothing; I was just 
getting started. 

PLAYBOY: Social life? 

SCHILLING: Groupies everywhere. Every 
town had its known girls, the ones you 
didn't want to be seen with. Nobody 
wants to be a bottom feeder. The guys 
would go out, three or four teammates, 
and usually one of us had the bad job: 
He was the designated grenade faller. 
Hed take on the one girl nobody want- 
ed, so the rest of us could hang out with 
her friends. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever play that role? 
SCHILLING: Sure. I wasn't too proud. 
PLAYBOY: Did the grenade faller spend 
the night with his date? 

SCHILLING: It depends. He might take 
her home and then sneak back to the 
team hotel after curfew. The manager 
caught me every time 1 did that. And not 
just the manager Once I was renting a 
room from a lady about 90 years old, liv- 
ing in her attic. I bring in a female com- 
panion, and the landlady wakes up. She 
calls my manager, wakes him up at three 
A.M. He calls an assistant coach, who 15 
standing outside at dawn, when I walk 
this girl downstairs 

PLAYBOY: How did you wake the land- 
lady? Going up the stairs? 

SCHILLING: I got too loud with my female 
friend. And Im sure my wife isn't going 
to love it when this story comes out— 
PLAYBOY: What happened with the coach? 
SCHILLING: He said, “Show the lady out 
to her car. I'll see you at the park.” I'm 
thinking, God, my career is over. Finally 
I get to the ballpark. We work out. He 
doesn't say a thing. I go home, come 
back the next day, play a game. He nev- 
er said a word about it. The worry was 
punishment enough. 

PLAYBOY: And the landlady? 

SCHILLING: She kicked me out, but I 
wound up moving in with a college girl 
and her four female roommates. This 
was nirvana, living in a big old house 
with five college girls 

PLAYBOY: How many did you get to know 
well? 

SCHILLING: I cannot disclose that materi- 
al for fear that my wife will hear about it. 
PLAYBOY: Do ballplayers still pull pranks 


74 оп опе another? 


SCHILLING: There's the three-man li 
which can be comical or disgusting, dı 
pending on what's in the bucket. One 
player says he can lift three men. They 
lic on the floor, and the guy in the mid- 
dle is the victim. The other two pin him 
down, then you grab a bucket and pour 
stuff all over the guy. Food, drinks, shav- 
ing cream. I've seen guys urinate in the 
bucket. That's the worst, but pine tar is 
pretty bad. It gets in your hair and you 
have to shave all over. 

PLAYBOY: Are you superstitious? 
SCHILLING: Every season І wear the same 
outfit on the days І pitch. The kids pick 
it out during spring training. 

PLAYBOY: You must have some input, or 
they'd have you in shorts and a cow- 
boy hat. 

SCHILLING: Shonda helps them. She's the 
fashion doll in the family. The one con- 
stant is my Scooby Doo underwear. Geh- 
rig started that when he went through a 
Scooby Doo phase. Then Gonzo got me 
a pair of Scooby Doo boxer shorts. I'm 
pitching in them this season. 

PLAYBOY: Any other rituals? 

SCHILLING: I always leave a ticket for my 


Bud Selig doesn’t care more 
about baseball than I do. 
From a personal standpoint, 
I have more invested in 
the game than he'll ever 
dream of having. 


dad at the ballpark. And when I go back 
and forth to the mound, 1 don't step on 
the baseline. The only time I step on the 
line is when I get taken out of the game, 
and then I'll kick it. 

PLAYBOY: You have practical habits, too, 
like moving your fielders around. Isn't 
that the coach's job? 

SCHILLING: I set up my own defense. ГЇЇ 
use hand signals to move our fielders, 
during an inning or even between pitch- 
es, because if I make this pitch in this 
spot to this hitter, I know where the ball 
will be hit. The guys behind me know 
they're not playing shortstop or sec- 
ond base today, they're playing where I 
need them. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever help set the de- 
fense for other pitchers? 

SCHILLING: One time when Randy was 
pitching in the Series, Derek Jeter was 
due to lead off an inning. I knew Je- 
ter was going to bunt. He hadn't had a 
hit for a long time; I just felt it. I told 
Matt Williams, “Derek's bunting.” Mat- 
ty moves in two steps at third base and 
throws him out. It was a good bunt, too. 
PLAYBOY: These days, at least in the regu- 
lar season, we see plenty of 12-10 games. 


Home-run kings hit 70-plus homers. 
But at the same time, you and Johnson 
and a few other pitchers dominate like 
Koufax and Drysdale used to. How can 
that be? 
SCHILLING: It's about strikeouts. I used 
to talk about this with Richie Ashburn, 
one of the great old Phillies. In his day, 
hitters hated striking out. It was embar- 
rassing. Today everybody wants to hit a 
home run and be on Sports Center. You 
have leadoff hitters punching out more 
than 100 times a year. Now, someone like 
me just loves a guy who strikes out like 
that, because it means he has holes in his 
swing. ГІЇ study him, find the holes and 
exploit them, because 1 do my home- 
work. Every hitter I face, Гуе watched 
on video. If 1 have faced him before, I'll 
study those at-bats. If 1 haven't, I'll get 
tape of how he hit similar pitchers. 
PLAYBOY: Who's similar? 
SCHILLING: Right-handed four-seam fast- 
ball pitchers. To get ready for the Yan- 
kees I watched Seatde's Freddy Garcia. 
Our stuff isn't all that alike, but watching 
a right-handed power pitcher helped me 
see where I could get first-pitch strikes, 
and where my fastball needed to be with 
two strikes. І watched Oakland's Tim 
Hudson, too. You like seeing guys who 
throw well against the Yankees. 
PLAYBOY: How much video do you have? 
SCHILLING: About 25,000 pitches of histo- 
ry—me facing different hitters. 1 keep 
my games on CD-ROM, two games on a 
CD, and keep a notebook during games. 
I've also got my umpire media guide, 
with bios in it. You should never call an 
umpire, “Hey, Blue.” They're human— 
it can't hurt if you call them by their 
names. 
PLAYBOY: You're working all the angles. 
SCHILLING: [Grabbing his laptop] But this is 
the main thing. I have 475 players in 
here. Want to see my history of Derek 
Jeter? Right here I have all the times I 
faced him, 65 total pitches, broken down 
by dates of games, balls, strikes, outs, 
pitch types, locations, outcomes. I can 
find patterns. Let’s look at all the first 
pitches—— 
PLAYBOY: Two clicks and you have a list of 
first pitches to Jeter. 
Eighteen first pitches. OK, 
ng? One, two, three, four, five, 
six—six out of 18 times he swung at the 
first pitch. Some guys would be 15 of 18. 
In the first two pitches they might be 18 
of 18: They've always swung at one of 
my first two pitches. 
PLAYBOY: What does that tell you? 
SCHILLING: I can take advantage of their 
aggressiveness. It all comes down to pre- 
sentation: I want to present a pitch the 
batter likes when it’s halfway to the plate, 
so he'll swing, but when it gets there he 
can't do anything with it. 
PLAYBOY: Not necessarily to make him 
swing and miss, but to make him beat 
(continued on page 164) 


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Barbarians at the gate, 
chaos on the ground, 
pilots asleep in the air—all 
thanks to the deadly 
neglect of the FAA 


By BRIAN KAREM 


о а typical day, 


there are 32,000 commercial flights in 
the U.S. With more than 3 million peo- 
ple in the air, the American sky is like a 
51st state—only it’s governed Бу a single 
agency with a record of unimaginable 
negligence. Since the Federal Aviation 
Administration came into existence in 
1958, it has been torn between two man- 
dates: to promote air travel and the fiscal 
health of airlines while ensuring passen- 
ger safety. For years, the FAA has played 
a central role in the government’s unwill- 
ingness to protect its citizens. 

A suitable analogy for the FAA would 
be a cop who never makes an arrest, a 
district attorney who never prosecutes 
a case, a judge who never passes sen- 
tence. Ask the man on the street whose 
responsibility it is to keep air travel safe, 
and he'll tell you it’s the FAA's. But the 
agency is really just a straw man, a pup- 
pet doing the bidding of Congress and 
the aviation industry. Although the FAA 
is supposed to protect the flying public, 
managers and administrators are told 
their primary focus is to keep planes in 
the ай (в a sick organization and you 
survive in that environment by not making 


ILLUSTRATION BY ARNOLD ROTH 


77 


78 


THE NUCLEAR THREAT 


he Indian Point nuclear power 
plant is situated just north of 
Manhattan on the Hudson River. 
Ata press conference outside New 
York City Hall last November, Rob- 
ert Kennedy Jr, who heads the legal 
team for the environmental group 
Riverkeeper, called for the Nucle- 
ar Regulatory Commission to shut 
down the reactors “until a full re- 
view of the plant's vulnerabilities 
and safety system is conducted.” Ac- 
tivists called the plant а “nuclear 
bomb 30 miles 
north of New 
York City"—a 
meltdown of 
the reactors 
would imperil 
20 million peo- 
ple and turn 
New York City 
into a ghost 
town. Weeks 
later, Senator 
Hillary Clinton 
announced plans to expand evacua- 
tion plans in the event of a melt- 
down from a 10-mile hot zone to a 
50-mile radius that would include 
New York City. Nuclear plants are 
obvious targets, but there is no con- 
sensus on how to deal with an attack 
from the air. 

“I won't comment on the wisdom 
of placing a nuclear power plant 
that close to NYC," says Congress- 
man Jerry Nadler of Manhattan. 
“But a suicide bomber's taking out 
that power plant could conceivably 
make Manhattan uninhabitable for 
many years. It has to be closed until 
we figure out how to make it safe. 
You may joke, but you can't protect 
it—or any other reactors—without 
anti-aircraft batteries ringing the 
power plants.” 

Ace” to the Aircraft Own- 

ers and Pilots Association, 
there are currently some 202,000 
general aviation aircraft in the U.S. 
About 170,000 of those weigh less 
than 6000 pounds, making them 
smaller than most SUVs. “Those 
planes alone aren't much ofa 
threat,” says Phil Boyer, president of 
the AOPA. “A small single-engine 
airplane hitting something like the 
Hoover Dam would be little more 
than a bug splat.” 

But what if several planes coordi- 
nated to attack Indian Point or oth- 
er nuclear facilities? Engineers are 
unsure whether the massive con- 


crete domes of Indian Point could 
survive being hit by a modern jet- 
liner or small planes loaded with 
explosives. 

The FAA is aware of the problem 
and has created no-fly zones. Pilots 
are accustomed to receiving the ex- 
act latitude and longitude of such 
zones, but because of pressure from 
the NSA and other security agencies, 
the new flight restrictions are in- 
tentionally vague. Apparently, the 
FAA doesn't want to let terrorists 

know exactly 
where the pow- 
er plants are. 
Phil Boyer finds 
it absurd—par- 
ticularly be- 
cause three of 
the power plants 
had websites 
where the in- 
formation was 
readily avail- 
able. The AOPA 
gathered the information and in- 
formed its pilots. 

“We want to discourage loitering 
over sensitive areas for national se- 
curity,” says FAA spokesperson Bill 
Schuman. “We will not speak about 
specifics. Where it is practical, pri- 
vate pilots will have to avoid these 
areas.” 

B. points out: "Imagine being 
a pilot who gets a notice to avoid 
a power plant 35 miles west of Phoe- 
nix. That covers a lot of sky. In the 
past the directions have been pre- 
cise enough to plot the exact loca- 
tion of the no-fly zone on a map." 

"The AOPA has dutifully reported 
the restricted-flying zones to its mem- 
bers. But restrictions are so frequent- 
ly issued and sometimes so confus- 
ing that the AOPA magazine carries 
ads for lawyers who can assist pilots 
who get in trouble with the FAA. 
Boyer is frustrated with the lack of 
communication coming out of the 
FAA. "We've never understood what 
they are trying to do. It seems like 
nonsense, and they could clear it up 
if they sat down with us and said, 
“This 15 what we want to do.’ Then 
we could help them do it.” 

“You cannot depend on no-fly 
zones,” says Congressman Nadler. 
“You cannot scramble F-16s quick- 
ly enough to shoot the terrorists out 
of the sky. What are the F-16s going 
to do but get a nice view of the ra- 
dioactive plume?” 


waves,” says Billie Vincent, former FAA 
chief of security. “The mediocre sur- 
vive. They go along to get along. Lead- 
ership is weak. You rise in that organi- 
zation through the art of compromise, 
and compromise is not a salient feature 
for a safe system. We need to start deal- 
ing honestly with our aviation prob- 
lems and make sure the influence ped- 
dlers in the airline industry have no 
ae 

A look at four recent U.S. airline 
crashes— Valujet flight 592, TWA flight 
800, American Airlines flight 1420 and 
Alaska Airlines flight 261—shows how 
the FAA has failed the public. Since the 
September 11 attacks on the Pentagon 
and World Trade Center, the FAA has 
been charged with revamping its se- 
curity system. But the record demon- 
strates the agency has approached the 
security issue with the same foot-drag- 
ging it used during the aftermaths of 
past disasters. 

The FAA's recent pattern of neglect 
starts with Valujet. By 1996, Valujet 
was one of the fastest-growing—and 
most troubled—airlines in operation. 
As early as 1994, FAA inspectors in 
charge of Valujet’s flight standards 
were alarmed at how quickly the airline 
trained and certified pilots. According 
to testimony at a National Transpor- 
tation Safety Board hearing, inspec- 
tions in 1994 and 1995 revealed “prob- 
lems” with the carrier. The airline was 
warned about its practices in a 1996 re- 
port: “It is apparent that Valujet does 
not have the structure in place to han- 
dle your rapid growth and that you 
may have an organizational culture in 
conflict with operating with the highest 
possible degree of safety.” These accu- 
sations were not unsupported; in fact, 
they were soft. A midlevel manager lat- 
er testified he had written a compre- 
hensive report on Valujet months be- 
fore the crash of flight 592 in which he 
called for increased surveillance of the 
airline. He told the NTSB his findings 
were not sent to the FAA Valujet super- 
visors. In his testimony he also stated 
that the hierarchy at the FAA routine- 
ly stifled subordinates’ recommenda- 
tions. Another inspector alarmed at 
Valujet's flight practices (prior to flight 
592, three planes had slid off runways) 
called for extra inspectors to be added 
to the team, and was denied. 

In May 1996, flight 592 experienced 
a fire in its cargo hold and crashed into 
the Everglades. One hundred and ten 
people died. The fire was blamed on 
old oxygen canisters, improperly pack- 
aged and illegally stowed in the plane's 
cargo hold. Thar's when the FAA again 
stiffed the public. Logistically it's im- 
possible to inspect all materials that 

(continued on page 153) 


“There's a lot of foolish, immature behavior going on here!” 


Long before Fear Factor, Julie Cialini (above), 
Miss February 1994 ond 1995 Playmate of the 
Year, showed her spunk by driving Playboy's 35- 
foot Cigarette boat at speeds up to 72 miles per 


hour. Angel Boris (left), Miss July 1996, stum- 
bled in the final event- 


she grabbed the most 
sticks but lost her way in the underwater moze. 


All of the Playmates said they had eaten flies 
during the strawberry event, but Miss March 
1996 Priscilla Taylor (below) found that some 
of the critters were still in her hair as she wos 


leaving the set. That just shows the universal 
appeal of beautiful blonde hair. 


Above: Miss February 1986 Julie McCullaugh (top) 
and Miss November 1989 and 1990 PMOY Renee 
Tenisan. National TV was nothing new for these 
two—you've seen Julie on The Drew Corey Show, 
Growing Pains and Who's the Boss?, and Renee 
on VIP, Judging Amy and The Steve Harvey Show. 
Right: Miss October 1998 Laura Cover, an admit- 
ted Who Wants ta Be a Millionaire fan. Below: Miss 
July 1997 Daphnee Duplaix figured to be a fa- 
vorite. After all, she's a triple threat: She has а 
competitive edge from being on Playboy's physical- 
ly challenging X-Treme Team, business savvy as cre 
ative director of an urban magazine ond intellectu- 
al rigor from writing screenplays 


86 


THE POSSIBILITY OF 


Was an artist. Which meant that there 

was paint cyerywhere—all over her jeans 

(knees artfully ripped), crusted under her finger- 

nails, spattered on the floor of her studio. There 

were splotches 6n her forearms in the shapes 

of African nations. Sometimes she brushed her 

bangs away from her face, inadvertently trailing 

white streaks in her hair. Her being an artist 

was probably the reason her name lacked an “h” 
as well. 

I remember the music too, always blaring while 
she painted. She liked to work to Metallica, some- 
times Verdi, Wagner. Anything pastoral, really. 

Bridget 

I've always been a sucker for girls with grand- 
mothery names. Hazel, Gertrude, Betty, Esther. I 
love them all, I love the anachronism. And more 
often than not, they act a little grandmothery, as if: 
living up to their Forties monikers. They wear 
shoes that are slightly off, or they drink a lot of 
tea, knit. One was a quilter, another one played 
bridge. Still another dabbled in shuffleboard. 
They walk a lot slower than I do, and I have no 
doubt Florida is in their future. 

I like watching them act prim, knowing what 
happens when the turtleneck comes off, when 
we're alone. It's like a secret, and every important 
love requires a secret. 

Lulu 

One year I told every girl I met that I was a 
filmmaker. All because Sara once said, “Martin 
Scorsese makes me horny.” 

“Martin Scorsese?” I asked her. “With those 
eyebrows?” 

“Yeah,” she said. “He's a total fucking genius.” 
(She also said firemen made her horny, but 1 have 
neither the build nor the uniform to pull off that 
one. UPS guy, maybe. And certain skyscrapers— 


fiction by ETHAN HAUSER 
the Chrysler Building—made her horny) 


You tell women you're a filmmaker and they 
get a glint in their eye. They touch your arm. 
They laugh at your jokes. They're thinking Ku- 
brick, Coppola. They're thinking house on the 
beach in Malibu, fawning starlets, Tom Cruise 
inviting you to lunch. The more delusional ones 
imagine a trip to the Oscars. Then they realize 
you wait tables or tend bar. You proofread, you 
file. You're someone's assistant. 

I met Lulu at a fancy party at my friend Tif- 
fany's apartment (the size of Rhode Island, I 
swear). There were exceedingly well groomed 
people serving drinks and carrying trays of food 
in portions meant for babies or birds. Tiffany, a 
friend from college, was an heiress, and everyone 
she knew seemed to have perfect hair and names 
like Paige or Cece or Lulu. Often there was a “de” 
or “la” involved (the men frequently had numbers 
or "Jr." attached). They had porn star or stripper. 
names, which 15 kind of excellent. These girls are 
about the furthest things—behavior-wise. family 
history-wise—from strippers and porn stars as 
you can get. 

When I introduced myself to Lulu, I told her I 
directed movies, but she seemed more interested 
in my retro sideburns and my history with a mi- 
nor punk-rock band. True story: In high school I 
wore a dog collar and ripped T-shirts and sang in 
a band called Misrule, a name we chose after look- 
ing up "anarchy" in the dictionary. But for the pur- 
pose of impressing girls and introducing a sex- 
ual element right off, I always change the name. 
Fuckers. We were called Fuckers, and at one point 
David Geffen came to see us at CBGB (our only 
gig outside our parents’ basernents and the school 
gym) and was interested in signing us. Only when 
he wandered backstage, our drummer yelled, 


HERE'S TO ALL THE GIRLS HE LOVED BEFORE 


ILLUSTRATION BY RAFAL OLBINSKI 


PLAYBOY 


88 


“Who let Frank Perdue in? No Frank 
Perdues allowed. Frank Perdue, go 
back to Arkansas.” Sammy the guitarist 
explained that it wasn't the chicken 
magnate but David Geffen, Cher's ex- 
boyfriend. To which the drummer start- 
ed chanting, “No Cher ex-boyfriends, 
no Cher ex-boyfriends. Go back to Cher” 

Lulu was sufficiently impressed by 
this story to sleep with me that night 
and for the next few weeks. She had 
the best underwear of any girl I've ev- 
er gone out with—drawers full of dis- 
turbingly sexy silk and lace things. 
Camisoles, fancy bras, teddies, garters 
(for Christ's sake), feats of engineering 
that would have had me baffled in my 
teens. 1 had no idea of all the options 
available to a woman of means. 

Em 

Another one with missing letters. 
Short for Emily, right? I asked early 
on. She shook her head. “Just Em,” 
she chirped. “My father’s name is Ev- 
an, and my mother's is Mary. So, Em.” 
Congratulations, I thought, your par- 
ents deserve a medal for compromise. 

I met her in a bookstore where she 
was a cashier. I was into Foucault and 
Lacan and Bataille at the time because 
Iwas in college and smoked British cig- 
arettes, and | didn't know better yet. I 
thought a bunch of French intellectuals 
had figured out our darkest secrets. I 
thought those idiots had all the an- 
swers—their books were impossible to 
understand, and their theories had a 
whiff of sex, so they must be on to 
something. Besides, they weren't Amer- 
ican. When you're that age you're con- 
vinced that America is vapid and su- 
perficial and that true enlightenment 
exists only where you need to show a 
passport. 

Em must have had the same feelings 
because when she rang up my stack she 
was impressed enough to ask me out 
for a beer. At the bar I pretended to be 
interested as she prattled on about the 
panopticon and the Other. She used 
the words narrative and deconstruct 
repeatedly. She pointed to the dart- 
board and marveled at the preponder- 
ance of the circular form in the world. 
Deleuze may have been mentioned, 
Roland Barthes. Let's drown this pitch- 
er and then another, 1 thought. Then 
you won't give a shit about those moth- 
erfucking frogs. As she talked I imag- 
ined her shedding her clothes, touch- 
ing her, kissing her until dawn. 

She tred of me before I tired of her. 
In fact she was too beautiful to be with 
one boyfriend. She looked like a mod- 
el, which is something lots of guys 
say about their girlfriends—especially 
when the women live in Canada and 
it's impossible to verify. But in this case 
it was true. And she was smart as hell, 


despite the misstep into useless critical 
theory, one I'm sure she's outgrown by 
now. It's a dangerous thing to be both 
brilliant and beautiful—you end up 
wrecking people even if you don't in- 
tend to, When she broke it off, I said, "I 
still love you.” She said, “Don’t say that. 
Everyone says that.” First | wanted to 
Kill her, then I wanted to kill myself. 

I wrote her desperate letters. Drunk 
on heartbreak and gin, I ripped out 
pages from a Derrida book and used 
them as stationery, writing my own 
pleas on top of the dense paragraphs. I 
thought she would appreciate the post- 
modern gesture of it all, my destroying 
one thing while creating another. But 
she never answered the missives, and 
now I own several books with random 
missing pages. Not that ГЇЇ ever crack 
them again. Those clowns would sure- 
ly approve of my passion. 

Susie 

She loved Nascar, cocaine and talk- 
ing dirty. She wasn’t real—she was like 
some fantasy cooked up in the mind of 
a randy teenager from South Carolina. 
(I suppose these days, with the Inter- 
net and all, you can get a lot closer to 
realizing your fantasies, but Susie hap- 
pened pre-Information Age, so I be- 
lieve 1 deserve some credit.) I knew 
from the moment we met—snorting 
lines at a New Year's Eve party—that 
we wouldn't last. We were doing the 
drugs off a framed picture of the host’s 
geeky cousin, some Sears portrait of 
a kid beaming a smile full of braces. 
When Susie bent over the glass I 
couldn't help looking down her shirt at 
her braless breasts. They were perfect, 
and I got lost. 

1 took her voracious appetites as a 
challenge. She had the energy ofa com- 
et. I wanted to turn myself into some 
kind of machine, with gears and pis- 
tons that never tired, that could click 
into service at a moment's notice. 1 
wanted to sell everything 1 owned and 
stay with her. I thought peanut butter 
sandwiches had all the nutrients we 
needed to survive. Once while we were 
having sex, she made me pull out of 
her and she snorted a line off me, right 
below my belly button, caressing me all 
the while. When I looked down, there 
was stray coke nestled in the hairs snak- 
ing toward my crotch. It's hands-down 
the sexiest thing a woman has ever 
done to me. Ever will do. 

Jason 

‘There was a time when someone de- 
cided that cool girls should have boys’ 
names. I'm guessing it started with all 
those women’s magazines swollen with 
noxious perfume strips and sex quizzes. 

So I started mecting cute girls who 
were named James, Mason, Nick, Adam. 
No joke, I actually knew a girl named 
Adam. I never got over the weirdness 


of calling my girlfriend Jason; I abbre- 
viated it 27” or “Jas” whenever I could. 
Fortunately we stopped seeing each 
other before we got to the “I love you” 
stage. I don't think 1 would have been 
comfortable saying “I love you, Jason.” 
Someone might have overheard. 

Nancy 

Nancy's father was a famous sculp- 
tor, and in a way I was much more in 
love with him than with her. He would 
disassemble old cars bound for the 
junkyard and then use every piece, 
down to the upholstery and nuts and 
bolts—even the red needle from the 
speedometer and the black-and-white 
digits from the odometer—to fashion 
an abstract sculpture. The pieces filled 
entire rooms, and they were far more 
delicate than their previous incar- 
nations. If you looked hard enough, 
you'd see faces emerge, limbs, people 
laughing and crying and praying. The 
installations captured me for hours. 

Nancy caught on because I pep- 
pered her with questions about her fa- 
ther. I wanted to know all the details of 
how he worked —when he got up in the 
morning, what kind of music he lis- 
tened to in the studio, which tools he 
used. Things he said at the dinner 
table, books he read. I made her show 
me family photo albums repeatedly, 
and 1 hurriedly flipped past the pages 
of her in pigtails and braces. 1 even 
raced through the shots of her in a 
bikini, 18 and nubile and flawless. In 
fact, I skipped any pages that didn’t 
have snapshots of him. 

Finally she said, 1 think it’s weird 
how obsessed you are with my dad. I 
guess I was supposed to refute it, say 
something like, Don't be silly, you're 
the one Гтп infatuated with, then turn 
back to a shot of her sunbathing on a 
beach in Mexico. But instead I said, 
Why? It was one of the few moments I 
can remember when I've been com- 
pletely honest with a woman, aside 
from the unstinting honesty of lust. 

Cynthia 

She went Amish. One day, a couple 
of weeks after we stopped seeing each 
other, she called and left a message on 
my machine. “I’ve decided to join an 
Amish community,” she said. 1 had to 
play it a few times to be certain 1 was 
hearing it right and it wasn't just some 
strange fantasy. Indiana was where she 
was headed, 1 think, maybe lowa—one 
of those lonely “I” states marooned in 
the Midwest (weird stuff happens when 
you get too far from the ocean). I re- 
member being surprised that it wasn't 
Pennsylvania, because that's where I 
thought all those people lived and 
raised barns and sold pies, wore bon- 
nets and were quiet. 

(continued on page 166) 


“Miss Dalby, Im afraid you lied when you said you'd come quietly.” 


89 


= ө 


ftm 


2“ 


Photography by Spicer 


UNLEASH YOUR INNER ANIMAL WITH STYLES THAT ARE READY TO ROCK 


hen rock stars hit town, they 

make a statement. They ander- 
stand that showmanship is part of the 
game. Even when they're not onstage, it's 
all about stealing attention and flashing 
confidence. To prove the point, we lined 
up some of our favorite new musicians to 


model the latest nightlife styles. Get ready 
to jam. Don't make a living with a band? 
You can still dress the part. All you need is 
flair. Nothing says wild like Icather. And 
remember: The shirt you wear out at night 
should be so vibrant it wouldn't feel right 
during the day (unless you really are a rock 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY DN PAGE 162. 


star). So don't be afraid to spend a chunk 
of your fashion budget on clothes your 
boss would not appreciate. Think a crazy 
mélange of clothing and don't forget the 
finishing touches—shiny accessories can 
make all the difference when you're bask- 
ing in the spodight. 


OPPOSITE PAGE: JAZZ MUSICIAN CHRIS 

BOTTI SINGLE-HANDEDLY CREATED A NEW MU- 
SICAL GENRE. THINK OF HIM AS CHET BAKER 
FOR THE CAFE DEL MAR SET. HE HAS TOURED 
‘THE WORLD, BOTH WITH STING AND AS A 
SOLO ARTIST—AND HE'LL PLAY THE PLAYBOY 
Jazz FESTIVAL ON JUNE 16 AT THE Houv- 
моор BOWL. WHEN CHRIS HEADS OUT сшв- 
BING, HE NEVER NEEDS TO BLOW HIS OWN 
‘TRUMPET. HERE HE'S IN A BLACK SEERSUCKER 
TUXEDO ву Huco Boss, FRENCH-CUFFED SHIRT 
BY PAUL SMITH, SILK TIE BY DONNA KARAN 
AND SHOES BY ROCKPORT. (RISING TO THE 
OCCASION, NICOLA IS IN A SATIN DRESS BY 
MoMo FALANA, JEWELRY BY JOSE AND 
MARIA BARRERA AND SHOES BY GIUSEPPE 
ZANOTTI DESIGN.) 


THIS PAGE: MEMBERS OF TANTRIC BRING OUT 
THEIR PARTY GEAR. THE BAND FORMED WHEN 
GUITARIST TODD WHITENER (LEFT), DRUMMER 


Marr Taui (CENTER) AND Bassist Jesse Vest 
(Nor PICTURED) spurt ur DAYS or THE NEW 
AND JOINED WITH SINGER HUGO FERREIRA 
(RIGHT). Here TODD WEARS A SUEDE JACKET, 
SHIRT AND DISTRESSED-LEATHER JEANS BY 
DKNY. Marr 15 IN a shirt вт DOLCE & GAB- 
BANA AND LEATHER PANTS By CHROME HEARTS. 
(Karıa’s LEATHER JACKET 15 ву ANDREW 
Masc.) HUGO IS IN LEATHER CHAPS BY 
HARLEY-DAVIDSON, TANK TOP BY DIESEL AND 
SUEDE JACKET WITH WHIP STITCHING Br 
CHROME HEARTS. 


92 


Tuis PAGE: Curis Borri WEARS 

А VELVET SMOKING JACKET WITH 
QUILTED RED SATIN CUFFS AND COL- 
LAR BY PAUL STUART, COTTON SHIRT 
WITH SATIN STRIPES BY DONNA 
KARAN, JEANS BY DIESEL AND JEW- 
ELRY BY CHROME HEARTS. (NICOLA 
15 IN A JACKET BY FERNANDO. 
SANCHEZ, LINGERIE BY LA PERLA 
AND JEWELRY BY Jose AND MARIA 
Barrera.) Opposite PAGE: TODD 
WHITENER 15 IN A PRINTED SHIRT BY 
ICEBERG AND SUEDED DENIM JEANS 
ву JOHN BARTLETT. Marr ТАШ. 
WEARS A VINTAGE VELVET SHIRT 
FROM WHAT COMES AROUND 

Goes AROUND AND JEANS BY 
Tommy Jeans. HUGO FERREIRA 

15 IN А TIE-DYED T-SHIRT AND JEANS 
WITH SUEDE SIDE INLAY BY DOLCE & 
GABBANA. His BELT AND CUFFS ARE 
By Burrato CHIPS. (SUSAN WEARS 
А SUEDE TOP AND WRAP SKIRT BY 
Dorce & GABBANA.) 


2, 


ALL-TERRAIN BOARDING IS READY ТО ВІР ІТ UP 
THE BOARD THE LEGEND 


BY JOHN D. THOMAS 


ҮТ 


I 


í_ O< 


“This is a prescription for Viagra. Take two and come back in two hours.” 


D 


Michele, Wa Belle 


miss june is a fall, cool drink of 
hawaiian punch 


am a mutt,” says Michele Rog- 
ers of her exotic good looks. “My dad 
is Hawaiian and my mom is a mix- 
ture of French, Irish and German.” 
The Honolulu native abandoncd leis 
and pristine beaches when, at the 
age of three, she moved to Michigan 
with her mother after her parents’ 
divorce. “It was total culture shock,” 
she says. “From there we moved to 
California, but I like to go back to О: 

hu or Maui a couple of times a year. 

The 26-year-old makeup artist is 
now in the business of making wom- 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
ARNY FREYTAG 


en more beautiful. “I've been doing 
makeup since I was 18,” she says. “I 
love art, and my work is so creative 
You can transform a person by us- 
ing different colors and textures 
It’s fun.” 

Michele is also drawn to body art 
ofa more permanent nature. “I find 
it sexy when guys have tattoos,” she 
says. “My boyfriend is fully sleeved 
on both arms and has a big maze 
on his back. It is completely sexy. I 
just got Chinese symbols on my an- 
kles: One means love and the other 


Although she would be adorable 
dressed in a pototo sack, Miss June 
looks even better os a roller girl. “I 
would love to run my own litile 
boutique,” she says. “Like Carrie 
from Sex and the City, | have a 
weakness for shoes. | bought these 
pink Puma roller skates so 1 could 
skate around the block. I am so 
bod ot roller skating, but I think | 
look pretly cute doing it." 


d 


планаў 


refers to the ethereal. I also have a 
star tattoo on my ankle that I got 
with a friend. I'm not sure why we 
got them—I despise it!” Besides 
serious body ink, what attracts Mi- 
chele's attention? “An ideal first 
date would definitely not be the 
movies,” she confesses. “You want 
to be someplace where both of 
you feel comfortable and you can 
get to know each other. Why not 
do something creative like take a 
gondola ride or go to the batting 
cages? Stupid stuff like that can 
be so much fun. I love humorous 
guys. I would much rather have 
somebody who is not good-look- 
ing but is funny than somebody 
who is good-looking and isn’t fun- 
ny.” What about a guy who just 
dresses funny? “I don't like it 
when men wear white sunglasses 
or shiny shirts,” she says, laugh- 
ing. “Leopard-print clothes and 
big hoop earrings are deal break- 
ers, too. My type of guy is Johnny 
Knoxville, Billy Idol or Jack Nich- 
olson. I like older men because 
they re so confident and they have 
their together." As far as music 
is concerned, June is a clas- 
sicist. "I love Guns п Roses, Mot- 
ley Crue, Led Zeppelin and Black 
Sabbath. It seems like everybody 
has moved on to whatever rock 
and roll has evolved into tod 
but I just can't get past the old 
stuff!” 
PLAYBOY is Michele's foray into 
modeling. “I feel comfortable be- 
she says. “Having to 
ions and 
building a relationship with the 
camera were difficult, but you get 
used to everyone being around 
you. If this leads to other model- 
ing jobs, ГІЇ go for it.” Michele says 
she is protective of her family 
and friends and has zero attitude. 
“People have a preconception that 
I'm bitchy or stuck-up, but I am 
really goofy and approachable, 
she says. “In five years I see myself 
married and starting a family. 1 
want five kids and want to be sur- 
rounded by my friends and loved 
ones, having the time of our lives. 


"Grocing the pages af PLAYBOY is my 
ultimate dream,” says Michele. “I 
thought that maybe | was setting my- 
self up for disappointment, because 
1 ат not your typical blonde, blue- 
eyed, big-boabed girl. But | walked in 
ond they soid, ‘We need you.’ It's such 
on incredible honor” 


MISS JUNE Жоого amare or me moln 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: 


BUST: 


HIPS m 
” 
HEIGHT: 2 22 МЕІСНТ: 


BIRTH pare: 2/2 Zo BIRTHPLACE: — Hi ar uai 
AMBITIONS: ZO Man a apy, h 


AN QC QUA 2; 2 VI Ia 


age ys 


ТУЛ; юу 225 
en м TA Най? а; 252 A 


4 Риф ШИД. Е. 


THERE ARE MOREPHOTOS, PLUS VIDEO, 
OF MICHELE AT CYBER. PLAYBOYCOM. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


The ousted CEO ofa company decided to help 
out the incoming CEO. "I've left two envelopes 
in the safe,” the departing CEO said. “When, 
you encounter a crisis you can't handle, open 
the first envelope. If you run into more trou- 
ble, open the second one.” 

A few months later a crisis hit. The new CEO 
opened the safe and took out the envelope 
marked #1. Inside was a note that read, 
“Blame me.” It worked like a charm. A few 
months later the company's stock plummeted. 
The CEO took out the second envelope. This 
note read, “Prepare two envelopes.” 


What does a dominatrix give her clients on 
their birthdays? 
Gag gifts. 


А man walked into his neighborhood bar and 
the bartender said, “Welcome, George. What'll 
it be?” 

“The usual,” George replied. “But from now 
on, call me Lucky.” 

“Why Lucky?” the bartender asked. 

“Well, my girl and I were having sex last 
night, and the guy downstairs got so mad at 
the noise we were making that he picked up a 

nand started shooting at the ceiling. One of 
the bullets came through the floor and missed 
my girl, but it got me in the nuts.” 

“I don't understand,” said the bartender. 
“Why does that make you lucky?” 

“Well,” the guy said, “a minute earlier and it 
would have got me right between the eyes.” 


Why does a bride smile as she walks down the 
aisle on her wedding day? 
She knows she's given her last blow job. 


A man and a woman got onto an elevator at 
the same time, The man asked the woman 
which floor she wanted. “The second floor,” 
she said. “I'm going to the blood bank. They 
pay $25 to blood donors.” 

As he pressed the button for the second 
floor, the man said, “I’m going to the fourth 
floor. They pay $200 for fresh donations at the 
sperm bank.” 

A couple of weeks later, the man met the 
same woman in the elevator again. “Second 
floor?” he asked. 

Her mouth full, she shook her head no and 
held up four fingers. 


А man complained to his therapist about hav- 
ing two unhappy marriages. “Tell me about 


them,” the therapist said. 
“Well,” the man said, “my first wife divorced 
me and my second wife won't.” 


What do you call four blondes standing on 
their heads? 
Brunettes. 


A woman suffering from chronic headaches 
visited a New Age doctor. He advised, “When 
you feel a headache coming on, stare at your- 
self in a mirror and say, 1 do not have a 
headache. I do not have a headache.’ 1 guar- 
antee you will be cured of your ailment right 
away. 

‘The woman left the doctor's office. In the el- 
evator, her head began to throb. She noticed 
that the elevator had mirrored walls. She 
looked at herself and repeated the mantra. 
Her headache immediately disappeared. Elat- 
ed, she ran back to the doctor's office. “It 
worked,” she said. “You're a genius. I must 
send my husband to see you. We haven't had 
sex in months.” 

A few days later her husband visited the doc- 
tor. When he returned home, he headed 
straight to the bathroom and locked the door. 
A few minutes later he emerged and made pas- 
sionate love to his wife. When they finished, he 
returned to the bathroom and shut the door. 
Ten minutes later he came out and they had 
sex again. When he locked himselfin the bath- 
room a third time, the curious wife peeked 
through the keyhole. Her husband was staring 
at himself in the mirror, repeating, “That wom- 
an is not my wife. That woman is not my wife.” 


A man visited a friend whose wife had just 
died. No one answered the door, so the man 
walked inside. He found his widowed friend 
on the kitchen floor, having sex with the maid. 
“What are you doing?” the man asked. “Your 
wife just died.” 

‘The widower replied, “In this state of grief, 
do you think I know what Im doing?” 


What is the difference between sex for money 
and sex for free? 
Sex for money usually costs less. 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“OK! Nou fast-forward!” 


WHAT MAKES CUBAN WOMEN SO AMAZING? 
OUR WRITER WAS ABOUT TO FIND OUT 


“There are no borders in this struggle to the death. We cannot 
be indifferent to what happens anywhere in the world, because 
victory by any country over imperialism is our victory, just as any 
country's defeat is a defeat for all of us.” 


—Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara, addressing 
the Organization of Afro-Asian Solidarity 


“Get a load of the ass on that girl!” 
—Cuban tourist A.J. Benza, addressing his 
New York City buddies 


ARTICLE BY A.J. BENZA 


emingway knew. Big Papa wasn't the first guy to hop а 

plane to Havana and drink his mojito in La Bodeguita 
del Medito and his daiquiri at El Floridita, but he was smart 
enough to know there was something different about the 
Caribbean sweet spot 90 miles south of Key West. Maybe it 
was as simple as Cuba being the perfect spot for a man to 
write. Pull up a bar stool, watch the pretty girls go by and 
wait for the words to come. 

Maybe it was Fidel Castro and his trustworthy soldier Che 
Guevara who discovered the sweaty seduction and un- 
chained lust that courses through the island's women. Did 
the Cuban guerrilla revolution, which started high in the Sier- 
ra Maestras in 1956—and which led to the overthrow of 
President Fulgencio Batista three years later—begin be- 
cause a couple of guys just wanted to get laid? It's not hard 
to imagine. 

Perhaps it began before all the bloodshed, even before 
President Teddy Roosevelt's charge up San Juan Hill. Before 
the Spanish flag was replaced by the British flag and re- 
placed again by the Spanish flag before finally being taken 


down for today's Cuban flag. Maybe Christopher Columbus 
knew something when he first spotted the luxuriant cres- 
cent-shaped island and called it the most beautiful island he 
had ever seen. Why? What is it about this land that has had 
men landing on it for five centuries with nothing but con- 
quest on their minds? 

| wanted to find out. So some 500 years after the Italian 
explorer found her, four of my Italian buddies and | left the self- 
absorbed women of New York City and descended on the is- 
land to find something for ourselves, to maybe claim parts 
of her as our own. 

Among my crew, one took along his girlfriend for the ad- 
venture, while one left his girl back home in the States. Two 
were single men on the prowl. And a fifth was making his 
second trip to Cuba in the hopes of getting some information 
on a jinetera—a prostitute—whom he had met the previ- 
ous year and fell in love with after a three-day tumble. The 
last time he saw her she was being dragged off a beach by 
a policeman, unable to speak. He spent a good part of our 
trip with tears in his eyes. (continued on page 140) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAI 


ni 


Dads “Y Grads 


Below, left to right: Only 6000 bottles of Talisker’s superb 25-year-old single-malt scotch are being produced, 

with 1500 available in the U.S. Each is numbered and signed by the distillery's manager (5200). La Perla Ha- 
bana's Maduro Torpedo cigar is a perfect evening smoke ($170 for a box of 25). One is resting in o Colibri crystal ashtray 
from UpDown Tobacco ($200). The stainless steel blades of Henckels knives are ice-hardened for strength. The seven- 
piece Twin Select Series includes a wooden knife block with a granite finish ($500). Atomic clocks use a pretuned radio re- 
ceiver to respond to time-setting signals generated by the United States Atomic Clock. Proton's RSA clock radio includes an 
atomic signol receiver and a standard radio receiver ($150). Sitting atop the radio is Panasonic's PV-VM202 Polmcorder, a 
digital camcorder with detachable still camera, which can use SD memory cards to store MPEG-4 video, still images and 
voice memos (52200). The remote-controlled RoboScout Personal Robot from the Sharper Imoge features a 2.4 gigahertz 
processor that relays video and sound received through its sensors to an LCD screen on the remote ($900). Its adjustable 
arms hold up to two pounds. On RoboScout's troy is а Blenders Nosing Glass by Glencairn designed for whiskey ($10) and 
а 10-ounce leather sportsman’s flask by Mulholland Brothers ($92). Move e-mail to any room on ViewSonic's ViewPad 
1000. The four-pound tablet PC uses an 800 MHz processor, 10.4-inch touchscreen and wireless connectivity to keep the 
user online from room to room ($2000). Loaded on it is Playboy's interoctive Babes of Summer jigsow puzzle game (520). 
Nike's driver is made of beto-titonium and forged (insteod of cast) to improve accuracy and distance (5469). 


Below, left to right: Under the hood of Tamiya's Terra Crusher remote-controlled monster truck is a high-pow- 

ered nitro engine with a 150cc fuel tonk. With monster tires ond o two-speed transmission, the Terra Crusher 
can handle a variety of terrain ($400). The six-ounce captive-top flosk by Mulholland Brothers is available in three leather 
options: lariat, stout and red latigo ($60). Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno wore Nike's Mojo sunglasses at the 2002 
Olympics. The wraparound design provides clean sight lines from oll angles, and the lenses are cooted to repel sweot 
(580). The glasses are sitting atop Pioneer’s Elite DV-47A, о DVD player that offers playback of DVD audio, DVD video, Su- 
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the Maestro con run Pocket versions of Internet Explorer, Word and Excel (about $500). Motorola's T193 cell phone con 
send and receive AOL instant messages and make hands-free calls with voice-activated dialing ($150). The TO9-P pock- 
etknife by Williom Henry Knives has o mother-of-peorl handle and titanium bolsters and frome ($300, which includes a 
leather slip pouch). JVC's sleek and versatile VS-DT2000 CD player con be positioned horizontally, vertically or mounted 
‘on a wall. Its reversible display con be adjusted for easy viewing (5650). Nonino's UE lo Riservo dei Cent’ Anni grappa is 
oged 12 years and comes in a handblown bottle. It’s sold in a briar box that con double as o humidor for your cigars ($450, 
including o humidification disc). The grappo gloss is from Reidel Glasswore's Sommeliers series ($40). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


P 


WHERE ANO HOW TO BUY ON PAGE We. 


ti 


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ТЕ ALE dea ü THE The Omaha Beach we saw in Saving Private Ryan was not 
W RAMP OF 1 real, of course, but you'd never guess that from the reaction of 
Bo THEIR HiG the audiences who experienced the first 25 minutes of the 


GINS AMPHIBIOUS LANDING fiim, Even combat veterans—no, combat veterans especially— 
CRAFT FIRST OPENED ON were overwhelmed by the verisimilitude that a filmmaker who 
JULY 24, 1998, TOM HANKS had never been in uniform managed to put on the screen. 
AND THE REST OF THE AC- World War il veterans across the country paid respect to 


Steven Spielberg's accuracy. “It couldn't be more real,” said 
TORS PLAYING ALPHA COM- john Harrison, a judge and veteran of D day, on NewsHour With 
PANY SOLDIERS IN SAVING Jim Lehrer, echoing countless others. 
PRIVATE RYAN WEREN'T THE It was not a generational phenomenon. | saw Private 
Ryan on opening night with my father, a former Marine 
ONLY ONES SHOCKED BY who fought in Vietnam, in a packed theater ina Navy š 
THE ENSUING HORROR. town. “Absolutely incredible realism; he said, agreeing Ü 
MOVIEGOERS WERE YANKED мі other men around us. "Wonder how they did it” 1 
FULL FORCE INTO THE HUR- saw the film again two weeks later with a Gulf war veter- 


RICANE OF SAND, METAL an, and all he said was, “I don't know how, but it was right 
Ы p ` on” I had two questions: 

AND VIOLENCE. BLOOD > How did they do it? and If 
AND SAND SPLAT- , On-screen combat cannot “be 
TERED THE more real,” would any other 
SCREEN. THERE film ever equal Spiel- 

b berg's achievement? 
WAS NO MUSIC; IN- Fw Three years later; 
STEAD, A RELENT- 5 the first rocket-pro- 
LESS DIGITAL OR- A pelled grenade 
CHESTRA ERUPTED - a 

a helicopter full 
FROM THE SPEAKERS. > “ A of Rangers in Black 
MEN SCREAMED. j Hawk Down. For all 
LIMBS CARTWHEELED. жо the praise Saving ; 
HOLES SNAPPED OPEN IN С 59 ЖА Pot nan 
garnered, 


HELMETS. THERE WAS NO Black Hawk 


PLACETO HIDE; EVEN SOL- Doni 
DIERS COWERING BEHIND proved its 
OBSTACLES AND BERMS equal. “It’s just as 


realistic as Private Ryan” 
WERE BLOWN APART. says Dan Schilling, a former Air 


Force special operator who fought in the battle of Moga‘ 
Black Hawk Down is based). "І don't thi possible to do it better” 


n 1998, Mike Clark of USA Today 

wrote that Saving Private Ryan was 

“the rawest screen portrayal of 20th 
century combat.” Clark said of Black 4 
Hawk Down: “No war movie 1 have ever Ё 
seen so vividly shows battle from dif- 
fering perspectives” 


We Were Soldiers, based on the 1965 battle in the la Drang valley, con- 
tinued the tradition. According to UPI reporter Joseph G. 

took part in the battle, Soldiers is “extremely realistic. When Is saw the 
hundreds of Vietnamese extras rise out of the grass wi r AKs blaz- 
Ing, it gave me the willies.” Clearly a standard of excellence has been 
established for realistic war movies. 


Video game designers have also made enormous strides in simulating 
battle. Some of the games you can play at home are so realistic that 
the military now uses the skills of video artists to prepare its soldiers 
for actual combat. 


TECHNOLOGICAL LEAPS 


re's an astonishing sequence in Saving Р! 
i lows soldiers as they leap overboard to escape the rai 

Underwater now, it's quiet for the first time, almost soothing. Soldiers 
struggle to free themselves from their anvil of gear. Suddenly, bullets 
cut through the water, leaving tiny contrails of bubbles behind. One bul- 
let buzzes past but quickly decelerates, dancing harmlessly to the bot- 
tom. Others slam into the soldiers, who react with silent screams. Then, 
clouds of blood bloom from the torsos of the dying men. 


In the Marines, where | served for six years, we learned that a bullet 
has about 10 feet of killing power underwater. Here we were watching a 
celluloid bullet do the same thing with incredible accuracy. Were they 
real bullets? Of course not. And yet the way their trajectories dipped, 
the way the bubbles expanded, the way they careened into soldiers, the 
way the audience reacted. .. . 


Computer-generated imagery has 
steadily improved since the Seventies, 
but in the Nineties, with most of the 
money from a sanguine economy be- 
ing pumped into high-technology com- | 
panies, the advances in ССІ were 


explosive. Physical special effects, once the only option for filmmakers, were bolstered by 
computer artists. Dean Semler, cinematographer for We Were Soldiers, says, “You can put 
anything on-screen you require. Harry Potter flies around on a broomstick. The level of 


reallsm today is just a question of money.” 


The underwater bullets and bubbles in Private Ryan were, in fact, painted on the film with 
the powerful computer imaging tools at Industrial Light & Magic, the special effects com- 
pany George Lucas founded in 1975. Industry leaders, ILM wizards blend their computing 
skills with spectacular artistry to trick the audience. Using film shots of stuntmen strug- 
gling underwater, they layered the digital bullets into the film frames via computer, drawing 
not only the rounds themselves but also each bubble, going so far as to enlarge them as 
they rose shimmering to the surface. While the effect wasn't entirely digital-the blood 
clouds were triggered by tiny blasting caps called squibs packed inside red dye pouches 
and stitched into the actors’ uniforms—it was authentic. In the dark theater, those were 
real rounds hitting real soldiers. 


Black Hawk Down employed a similar mix of digital 

- and physical effects. As the heavily armed Somali 
crowd closes in on the Delta and Ranger forces, 
rounds snapping and skipping in the Mogadishu 
alleys, veterans of the actual firefight swore the 
scenes could have been documentary footage. Says 
Schilling: “The daylight combat scenes are as real 
as you can possibly (continued on page 161) 


THE BEACICHAWK DOWN-TEAM PLANTED SEVERAL TONS OF EXPLOSIVES ® 
IN THE GROUND AND DETONATED THEM WITHIN YARDS OF THE ACTORS, 
SPRAYING-THEM WITH SPECIAL DIRT THAT HAD BEEN PICKED: FREE OF = 
LARGE CHUNKS AND PEBBLES. THE OBJECT, THEN, WAS ТО MAKE THE 
ACTORS FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ON THE RECEIVING END OFAN ONSLAUGHT. е 


“THIS IS AS REALISTIC AS ШЕ CAN GET WITHOUT PUTTING ROUNDS "1 -- 
e  DOLIMRANGE"—-CORPORAL JOHN HOWARD, SQUAD LEADER, USMC: Luru arit 


Y. Q а з ә ә Q 9 Q SZ СБ 


A 4 > 


A NEW DIVA SHAKES UP THE POP SCENE 


e always thought Colombia's bast axport was coffee. Now we hava 

a new favorite—Shakira. This Barranquille-born pop princess has 

been giving har fans in Latin America and Europe a rush ever since she 

was 13, whan she released her first of four Spanish albums. Americans 

didn't get hooked on Shakira until the recent release of her first album in 
English, “Laundry Sarvice.” 

Here is what you should 

know about Shakira: Don't 

compare her to Britney. Sura, 

they have the same hair color, 

and Shakira appaars in Pepsi 

commercials, too. But the sim- 

ilarities and there. Shakira’s 

hip-shaking bally dance leaves Britney's pelvic thrust in the dust. Britney 

performs perfact pop, while Shakira’s sound is flavored with Spanish and 

Arabic influances (her fathar is Lebanese). 

And unlike Britnay, who sings, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman,” Sheki- 
ra isn't confused. At 25, she's all woman. In her provocative single "Whan- 
aver, Wheraver," she makes a promisa only a worldly woman can make. 
Sha vows to “climb tha Andes solely to count tha freckles” on her lover's 
body. No wonder har name translates to "woman full of grace” in Arabic. 

We'ra not the only onas smitten with har. Nobal Prize-winning novelist 
Gabriel García Märquaz dascribas her this way: “Shakira's music has a par- 
sonal stamp that doesn't look like anyona else's. And no one sings or danc- 
as like her, with such an innocent sensuality, one that seems to be of her 
own invention.” In other words, she's hot and talanted. 

Dumb-blonda jokes don't apply to Shakira. Sha wrote and produced 
“Laundry Servica" herself, aven though she'd just learned English. Sha de- 
vours literature, saying, “| had to raad Laonard Cohan and Walt Whitman 
in Spanish, but now | raad them in English." Someone translates Leonard 
Cohen into Spanish? 

Shakira hopes her newfound fame isn't just part of a trend. She says, 
"| considar myself Latin and I'm proud of it. But | don't want to ba pert of 
any explosion. Aftar an explosion, only ashes are laft behind.” We hava e 
feeling har fire will burn for a long time. --РАТТҮ LAMBERTI 


“Remember, one way or another, this time we find out what mystery bait he's 
using for those record-breaking catches!” 


Oscar De La Hoya 


PLAYBOY'S 


200 


the crooning boxer takes a few jabs at prefight 
sex and explains why he’s squeamish about blood 


| he second son of Mexican immi- 
grants, Oscar De La Hoya grew up 
in East Los Angeles. He was originally at- 
tracted to baseball, but he followed his older 
brother lo the neighborhood gym and took 
part in boxing workouts. Discovering he had 
a powerful left hand, De La Hoya began 
winning local tournaments. At 19, he won 
a spot on the U.S. Olympic Boxing Team 
at the 1992 Barcelona Summer Games. He 
won a gold medal in his weight division. 

He made his professional boxing debut in 
November 1992, leveling Lamar Williams 
in the first round. Eleven matches later, in 
1994, De La Hoya won his first title, the 
World Boxing Organization junior light- 
weight belt, beating Denmark's Jimmi Bre- 
dahl. De La Hoya continued his climb, win- 
ning the lightweight title from Jorge Paez 
later in 1994, defeating Julio Cesar Cha- 
vez to capture the WBC superlightweight 
title in 1996 and besting Pernell Whitaker 
in 1997 for the WBC welterweight champi- 
onship—his fourth weight-class crown. In 
1999, after 31 straight victories, De La 
Hoya was dealt his first defeat when he lost 
a split decision to unbeaten IBF champion 
Felix Trinidad. In early 2000, De La Hoya 
won his sixth title—the IBF world champi- 
onship that had been vacated when Trinidad 
moved up a weight class—by knocking out 
Derrell Coley in the seventh round. Later 
that year, De La Hoya dropped another split 
decision, to undefeated Shane Mosley in Los 
Angeles. His image tarnished for the first 
time, De La Hoya reevaluated his profes- 
sional and personal lives, dropping Bob 
Arum, his promoter, and leaving his fiancée, 
Playmate Shanna Moakler. 

At the age of 27, De La Hoya seemed to 
reach a crossroads. Having grossed $125 
million in the ring and millions more in en- 
dorsements, he decided to take a break from 
boxing. In the fall of 2000, De La Hoya, 
inspired by his mother's love of music, re- 
leased his first album of love songs in Eng- 
lish and Spanish for EMI Latin, Oscar De 
La Hoya, which included the hit single Run 
to Me, a cover of the Bee Gees hit. He con- 
tinued to donate millions of dollars to the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DEWEY NICKS 


children of East Los Angeles via the Oscar 
De La Hoya Foundation. He also helped a 
local hospital open a unit dedicated to 
awareness of breast cancer. He climbed back 
into the ring and defeated Arturo Gatti in 
Las Vegas in March 2001. After the fight, 
De La Hoya kept his promise to move up to 
the 154-pound weight class. A rematch with 
Shane Mosley on hold, De La Hoya rejoined 
Bob Атит fold and announced he would 
fight Fernando Vargas for the WBA junior 
middleweight crown on May 4, 2002 in 
Las Vegas. Currently the WBC 154-pound 
champion, De La Hoya is guaranteed $14 
million for the match 

Robert Crane caught up with the confi- 
dent De La Hoya at the Four Seasons Hotel 
in Los Angeles. Crane reports: “Damn, he is 
so rich, so good-looking, such a great athlete, 
a fine singer, he’s got babes, a posse, a 
$230,000 Ferrari, the love of an entire city. 
I wanted to hurt him bad, but I thought bet- 
ter of it. Instead, 1 punched the record but- 
ton on my tape recorder.” 


1 


PLAYBOY: What is a Hoya? 
DE LA НОУА: A Hoya is a jewel. It's basi- 
cally a diamond, it's an emerald. It's 
pretty special. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Are you first among them? 
DE LA Hoya: Well, I think everybody in 
my family has had their little success 
stories. Mine is the one that's more vis- 
ible, I guess. It runs in the family. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Since you're a Hoya, do you 
get good seats at Georgetown games? 
DE LA HOYA: Do you know what? They 
sit me way in the back. I get a nose- 
bleed. I've never had so many nose- 
bleeds in my life. When 1 first went, I 
said, “Why are they giving me binocu- 
lars? What's the deal? Do they come 
with the ticket?” 


4 


PLAYBOY: What kind of roadwork en- 
hances your singing? 

DE LA HOYA: Running hilly roads. As I'm 
going up the hill, I'm trying to sing а 
high note, and then as Pm going down 
I'm trying to sing a low note. Once I 
get into the studio, I remember the hill, 
and І can belt out the highest note 1 
have. It kind of helps. 


5 


PLAYBOY: What are some examples of 
the expressions you see when you hit 
someone hard in the face? 

DE LA Hoya: I've seen an opponent 
freeze. I hit them, and they don't know 
what to do. I've seen an opponent cry 
I've seen them get angry. That's pretty 
scary. It's also scary when 1 hit them 
with my hardest shot and they laugh. I 
think, Oh no, it's going to be a long 
night. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Is your fighting based on re- 
flex or intentionality on offense and 
defense? 

DE La HOYA: It’s based on reflex. When 
I'm training up in the mountains for 
three months before the fight, we work 
on certain moves we think will present 
themselves in the ring, and everything 
just falls in place when we're fighting 
I'm not thinking of that certain move 
in the ring. It just happens instinctive- 
ly. It's incredible because this person 
might be throwing a combination of 
three punches, and automatically ГЇЇ 
know how to block them. Sometimes 
ГЇЇ go back to the corner and say, “Oh 
my God. How did I do that?" Then you 
start thinking about the training. The 
three months of hard work just falls 
in place. I've found myself sometimes 
throwing a hard right hand to my op- 
ponent's face and he's also throwing 
one at the same time to my face, and he 
misses and I (continued on page 150) 


125 


> 


By James Омуєр Cury 


ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CRAIG // 
WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON ласі 


PILTA YA BDO, Y: 


128 


two-level, 16/х 16" retreat and into the 
ceiling. Hope your date isn't afraid of 
heights. Rates: $200 per night, double 
‘occupancy. 


SAFARI WEST WILDLIFE PRESERVE 
AND TENT CAMP 
SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA 

You might call ita В & В 8: B—"bed, 
breakfast and beast.” That's no meta- 
phor. You can see ferocious animals in 
the wild while you enjoy a glass of char- 
donnay. Situated in the heart of Cal- 
ifornia's wine country, Safari West is 
home to nearly 400 animals, including 
zebras, giraffes, lemurs, wildebeests, 
birds and cheetahs. They roam free, and 
you sleep nearby ina luxury tent with a 
king-size bed and a private bath. Rates 
on weekends: $225 per night, double 
occupancy. 


MADONNA INN 
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIFORNIA 


If your girlfriend is the type who 
can't make up her mind, stay away from 
this landmark hotel on the California 
coast. The Madonna Inn, which opened 
in 1958, is a dizzying display of over- 
the-top ornamentation. Visitors can 
choose from 108 rooms, each showcas- 
ing a different gaudy theme. For exam- 
ple, the Indian room boasts various ar- 
tifacts amid a red, yellow and green 
interior; the Caveman room has solid 
rock floors, walls and ceilings; the Jun- 
gle Rock room swings with zebra-pat- 
terned sheets and a waterfall show- 
er; and the Irish Hills room is green 
throughout. Our favorite is the Tall 
and Short room, furnished with a bed 
that is five feet long on one side and six 
feet long on the other. Rates: $147 to 
$330 per night, double occupancy 


VIVA LAS VEGAS VILLAS 
LAS VEGAS 


It started as a themed chapel but 
quickly expanded into a kitschy hotel. 
Travel back 25 years and stay in the 
Disco room, featuring Travolta-type 
decor—colored lights, fog and mir- 
rored balls. Or stay in the Thirties-style 
Gangster room, decorated with a gar- 
bage-can nightstand, bank-vault bath- 
room, dead-body-outlined-in-chalk 
bedspread and images of Chicago 
mobsters. There are also the Egyptian 
room and the Intergalactic room. And 
if things go really well, there's always 
that chapel. Rates: Theme rooms are 
$125 per night. Honeymoon suites go 
for $175 per night, double occupancy. 


SHADY DELL RV PARK AND CAMPGROUND. 
BISBEE, ARIZONA 


What began in 1927 as a trailer and 
camping park is still a trailer and camp- 
ing park. But today it's retro chic, thanks 
to decor that hasn't changed in 50 years. 


Couples can sleep in any of the perma- 
nently parked vintage aluminum trail- 
ers, including a 1949 Airstream, a 1950 
Spartanette and a 1951 Royal Mansion. 
The interiors have been carefully main- 
tained so guests can actually use the 
propane-fueled stove, refrigerator and 
electric percolator. Some even have 
black-and-white TVs, phonographs and 
LPs. For a matching culinary experi 
ence, visit Dot’s Dimer, a Fifties restau- 
rant on the premises—or ask the owners 
to lend you a barbecue grill. Rates: $35 
to $75 per night, double occupancy. 


KOKOPELLI'S CAVE BED AND BREAKFAST 
FARMINGTON, NEW MEXICO 


If only our cavemen forebears could 
have stayed at Kokopelli's Cave Bed 
and Breakfast. Situated 70 feet below 
the earth’s surface, this 1650-square- 
foot cave is a hideaway replete with 
plush carpeting, Southwestern-style 
furniture, a fireplace, microwave, wash- 
er and drier, TV, VCR, stocked fridge 
and hot tub. Depending on how fit you 
are, getting there may or may not be 
half the fun. The entrance is in the face 
of a cliff, which makes for great hikes 
and mountain views but lousy access. 
Visitors must follow a foot trail, de- 
scend a series of sandstone steps and 
climb down a ladder. Rates: $220 per 
night, double occupancy; $260 per 
night for three or four people. 


ELVIS PRESLEY'S HEARTBREAK HOTEL 
MEMPHIS 


Capitalizing on those fans who live 
and breathe the King, Elvis Presley En- 
terprises created this hotel and restau- 
rant. But of the 128 tchotchke-filled 
rooms, only four are exceptional. These 
are the fit-for-the-King suites, each of 
which includes two kitchenettes, two 
bedrooms and at least two baths. The 
Graceland Suite is inspired by Presley's 
living room, dining room, TV room, 
billiard room and “jungle room” den. 
The Hollywood Suite celebrates Elvis 
the movie star with an art deco theme, 
while the Gold and Platinum Suite 
honors Elvis the pop star with Fifties 
and Sixties decor. The Burning Love 
Suite tips its hat to “Elvis the pelvis” 
with deep-red walls and black furni- 
ture. Rates; Theme suites are $470 and 
up, per night, double occupancy. 


CHELSEA STAR HOTEL. 
NEW YORK CITY 


This former flophouse on West 30th 
has been transformed into an inexpen- 
sive hotel that honors an assortment of 
artists and heartthrobs. There's a Dali 
room with surreal clouds and a Ru- 
dolph Valentino room with a canopy. 
You can even stay in the room where 
Madonna slummed in the early Eight- 
ies. The rooms have cable TV and will 


soon offer DSL Internet connections, 
but they are tiny and the bathrooms 
are shared. Where else can you find 
hotel rooms in a fashionable Manhat- 
tan neighborhood for under $100? 
Rates: $79 per night, double occupancy. 


ICE HOTEL QUEBEC-CANADA 
QUEBEC CITY 


In Quebec's frozen palace, every- 
thing from the walls to the furniture is 
made of ice and snow. It’s not about 
freezing your ass off, though. Each of 
the 31 rooms and suites includes sleep- 
ing bags on beds of deer pelts. You can 
work up a sweat under the covers or by 
partaking in any of the hotel's winter 
sports activities, including skating, ice 
fishing, dog sledding, snowmobiling 
and cross-country skiing. Afterward, 
warm your insides at the Absolut Ice 
Bar where vodka is served in “ice shoot- 
er” glasses. The hotel melts in Apr 
Rates: $140 per person per night, in- 
duding cocktails, dinner and breakfast. 


JULES’ UNDERSEA LODGE 
KEY LARGO, FLORIDA 


Though it's not quite 20,000 leagues 
under the sea, the world’s only sub- 
merged bed-and-breakfast is named af- 
ter Jules Verne. What was once a ma- 
rine research lab is now a two-bedroom 
apartment 21 feet below the surface in 
the middle of a private one-acre la- 
goon. Most visitors are scuba enthusi- 
asts who come for the diving. But even 
if the only water you explore is in your 
bathtub, you can pay $75 to learn the 
basics. Amenities include air-condition- 
ing, hot showers, a stereo, phones, 
VCRs and a stocked fridge. There's no 
room service, but a chef scubas down 
to prepare a gourmet dinner on the 
premises. Rates for the Luxury Aqua- 
naut Package: $350 per person per 
night (groups of four to зіх 5300 per 
person). Ultimate Romantic Getaway 
Package: $1050 per night, double oc- 
cupancy (includes flowers, caviar appe- 
tizers and a gourmet breakfast). 


DEJA VU RESORT 
KEY WEST, FLORIDA 

It's probably not a good first-date 
idea, but if you and your latest squeeze 
аге curious—or you're exhibitionists— 
this clothing-optional adult resort may 
be the ticket. You don't have to bare 
your bum, but approximately 90 per- 
cent of the visitors do. Some go one 
step further to explore the swinger's 
lifestyle—not hard to do when there's a 
14-person hot tub, a sauna and a heat- 
ed pool open 24 hours a day. Ask about 
the local clothing-optional bars and 
nude cruises. Rates: $70 to $135 per 
night, double occupancy. 


Suicide 


1015 $o RELAXING 
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MORNING AIR 
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with А Book. 


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123 


this american classic is the 
people’s choice 


z never thought in a million years I would win 


Playmate of the Year,” says Dalene Kurtis. “It won't hit 
me until the issue comes out and I see myself on the cov- 
er.” For the readers, it wasn’t even close; Dalene was the 
runaway vote magnet in the PMOY sweeps. When we 
caught up with her, she was stuck in Los Angeles traffic 
and in the process of changing digs. “I’m moving to 
Manhattan Beach to be closer to рілувоу for ту Play- 
mate of the Year duties,” she says. “I would love to do 
charity work to benefit animals. I also do Operation 
Playmate for the troops and would be honored to visit 
some of them on a battleship. What they're doing for our 
country is amazing, and I want to show my patriotism in 
any way I can.” 

As she weaves her way up the 405 and gives fellow 
drivers a much-needed breath of fresh air, Dalene mulls 
over what she'll do with her $100,000 in prize money. 


Dalene won a red vintage 1950 Chevrolet truck to tool around town. 
Well, maybe. “It’s drop-dead gorgeous, but it’s three on the tree, and I 
have no idea how to drive a stick shift,” she says, laughing. She's also 
getting the hang of her new Harley-Davidson. “I'd never been on а mo- 
torcycle,” she says. “I started learning by coasting down a hill.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


134 


“My dream is to start a lin- 
gerie line,” she says. “I will 
shop it to little boutiques 
and promote it on my web- 
site, dalenekurtis.com. I 
want to design cute and 
simple lingerie, because 
I'm dainty and I like flow- 
ers, bows and pink—you 
know, the basic goofy girl 
stuff! Гуе also been busting 
my ass taking acting and 
improv classes. I want to be 
a host on the Travel Chan- 
nel or E.” Should Brooke 
Burke, the host of E's Wild 
On, be looking over her 
bronzed shoulder? “I want 
her job so bad I can taste 
it!” Dalene shouts as she 
switches lanes. “Гуе been 
working on my reel tape. 1 
want to be able to walk 
confidently into any audi- 
tion and know what the 
hell I'm doing.” 

As Dalene merges into 
life's fast lane, what kind of 
man can keep up with her? 
“Whatever Гуе been look- 
ing for isn't working,” she 
says, laughing. “I’m usual- 
ly drawn to bad boys, but 
what I really want is a guy 
who's supportive of what- 
ever decisions I make. Be- 
ing independent isa threat 
to some guys. I want some- 
one to love me for me— 
goofiness and al 

Dalene responds to as 
much fan mail as she can, 
but national tragedy pre- 
vented her from giving a 
heartfelt thank-you to her 
admirers. “I'm so thankful 
to everyone who voted for 
me, because I wouldn't be 
here right now without 
them," she says. “Alter Sep- 
tember 11 and the anthrax 
scare, we weren't able to 
open fan mail for a while. 
But on New Year's, a girl 
approached me in Vegas 
and said, ‘I saw you in my 
boyfriend's PLAYBOY and I 
voted for you!’ It was so 
flattering—she made my 
night. ГЇЇ always remember 
being back in Bakersfield, 
sitting behind that insur- 
ance-company desk eight 
hours а day. I'm glad I've 
had a normal nine-to-five 
job, because it makes me 
love this even more.” 


See more of Dalene at cyber. 
playboy.com. 


People tell Dolene she resembles o young Doris Doy ond hos the personolity of 
Jenny McCorthy. "But I'm not thot crozy,” she soys. “When | was 18, I got o wild 
hair up my oss ond wonted o tottoo of o smoll butterfly on my bock. Then it Бе- 
come this giont birdlike thing. | like it, but I wish it were smoller.” 


PLAYBOY 


140 


HAVANA (continued from page 111) 


Leave it to me not to be content with her friendship. 
Thad to flip over her thick accent and fhud sexuality. 


It's important to confess that most of 
my trips to Cuba have been illegal. 
That is to say, I am an American citizen 
and have only gotten permission from 
the U.S. State Department to travel 
there once. I was never part of a spon- 
sored research group, professional con- 
ference, sanctioned religious group, 
cultural exchange, humanitarian voy- 
age, whatever. Those aren't for me. 
Most of my trips were spur of the mo- 
ment and spiritual. I remember white- 
knuckling it all the way through the 
early-morning echoes of Newark Inter- 
national Airport to the confusing trans- 
fer in Montego Bay or Cancún and 
through the sterile, marble-floored Jo- 
sé Marti Airport in Cuba and, finally, 
back home to John F. Kennedy and 
U.S. Customs. 

I had heard all the stories before I 
left: my wary friends (who were wor- 
ried I might lose my passport), my fam- 
ily (who feared I'd be paying a heavy 
fine), my lawyer (who warned that jail 
time would not be out of the question if 
1 ran into a customs official who really 
wanted to break balls). But I also heard 
stories from other pals who waltzed 
right past officials in Jamaica or Mexi- 
co, tucked a $20 bill in their passports 
and politely asked the customs agent, 
“Por favore, no stampa.” 

And just like that, they got in. And 
when they got back home, they had 
nothing but beautiful, ball-aching sto- 
ries to tell. Fuck my passport, you can 
have my passport: I wanted to be the 
guy telling the stories. 

I only mention this as evidence that 
Cuba's magic is worth living through 
the drumbeat of danger and desire 
that has played inside me ever since my 
first visit. 

Let me hit you with this vision: A 
bright, hot Havana day is now an elec- 
tric evening. The sounds of Perez Pra- 
do's Perfidia play from an open win- 
dow. The song is something you rolled 
your eyes at when Lawrence Welk per- 
formed it. But tonight, with the dark- 
eyed beauty smiling back at you and 
all your American enthusiasm and 
wonder—as she leans against the back 
bumper of a 1958 Chevy—it is the sin- 
gle best fucking song you have ever 
heard in your life. You turn a corner 
and there is more music. An open win- 
dow obscured by a mighty mango tree 


offers you the sadness and solitude of 
Omara Portuondo singing ine Años, 
begging her lover to feel the same way 
he felt for her 20 years ago. As the song 
filters to the street, another statuesque 
beauty—this one with skin the color of 
coffee—stands proud and smiles at you 
while her daughter slides down the 
cracked sidewalk on a single Roller- 
blade. You wonder, How could any 
man leave a Cuban woman high and 
dry for 20 years? When you stop to 
snap a picture, you offer the beautiful 
mother a dollar (which she turns down 
immediately) and the little girl poses. 
At six years old, she is smart enough to 
turn her body from you, wipe the curls 
from her sweaty forehead and fix her 
jumpsuit just right. And you marvel 
at the beauty and irony of it all. Here 
is Cuba, a nation with no pot to piss 
in and no window to toss it out. At 
the same time, the women—from six 
to 60—are welcoming you to bathe in 
their spirit, their life and their longing. 
And you find yourself obliging. 

Within a few hours of landing in Ha- 
vana, we found ourselves cramped and 
standing at the tiny bar of a dive the lo- 
cals call Johnny's. (They say “Yonni's.”) 
It's only 10 P.M., but already the place is 
up and running. The ratio of women 
to men is about 11 to 1. 

Women are not allowed to walk un- 
accompanied into one of the handful of 
high-end nightclubs in Havana, but 
they can visit a dive bar like Johnny's. 
And here, everyone is on the same mis- 
sion: Every woman needs to find a man 
and every man is waiting for a woman 
to find him. 

It didn’t take more than three min- 
utes before the five of us felt like the 
Beatles landing at Shea Stadium. A 
girl's hand squeezed my biceps, anoth- 
er grabbed my buddy's ass, another 
bent forward to actually plant kisses on 
the back of my already sweaty guaya- 
bera while a pack of five beckoned us 
onto the dance floor. Ernesto, a Cu- 
ban pal, told me most of these girls will 
sleep with a man as part of the bargain- 
ing process that gets them into a night- 
club. Walk out the door with her, hang 
your arm over her shoulder and whis- 
per in her ear so that the cops on the 
corner believe you are an actual cou- 
ple. Then do your negotiating in the 
back of a 1954 Buick on the way to 


Macumba or Comodoro. 

A night of sin comes cheap in Ha- 
vana. It'll run you anywhere from $60 
to $100, depending on the girl and 
how well you salsa. Make her sweat and 
she might shave off а few bucks. If you 
can hop the language barrier and legit- 
imately groove with a girl, it might on- 
ly cost you a dinner and a few Cuba li- 
bres. Sex for nothing isn't out of the 
question, either. The beautiful thing 
about Cuban women, unlike a lot of 
our American women, is this: Love, not 
money, is the drug. 

Back at Johnny's, I took in the pul- 
sating sounds of the disco, the count- 
less beautiful women in halter tops and 
stretch pants and the flushed faces of 
the male tourists anxious to begin ne- 
gotiating before the sweat on their first 
Cristal beer has dried. One thing to re- 
member: Unlike America and Europe, 
Cuba is not stuck on recreational 
drugs. Ernesto tells me that Castro is 
so hard on drugs and drug users that 
ing is almost impossible. For locals, 
he says, getting caught with a $30 wrap 
of coke is as bad as being charged with 
moving 30 kilos. Many of the girls we 
spoke to had never even heard of X, let 
alone used it on a regular basis. The 
stink of a joint never permeates the 
night air. In Cuba, you're more apt 
to find rooms smelling of rum, fried 
food, cheap perfume, diesel fuel, ci- 
gars, occan salt and sex. 

"The DJ spun Britney Spears—our 
cue to bolt. I didn't come all these miles 
and risk having my passport revoked 
to hear Oops, 1 Did It Again. The Amer- 
icanization of Cuba is happening, I said 
to myself. What the fuck is next? 

Before we split from Johnny's, I 
grabbed a pretty little thick-lipped ji- 
netera named Nellie and begged her, 
“Show me the real Cuba, mommy.” 
Nellie downed my Cuba libre for me, 
slung my arm over her bare shoulder 
and whistled for her identical twin sis- 
ters to follow. Our driver rewved up the 
convertible Buick and our sweaty bod- 
ies piled in. 

“How does it feel to be—how you 
say?—the Rolling Stones?" asked Nes- 
to, the driver we hired. 

“Oh, Nesto,” I said. “Does it get any 
better than this?” 


“Si, my friend, si.” 

“I take you to Macumba now,” Nellie 
whispered. 

As Nesto drove, suddenly we were 
behind the Iron Curtain, cruising on 
highways dotted with billboards of Che 
Guevara proclaiming: “Patria o Muer- 
te” (Our country or death!). It was 90 


“I miss the thrill of yelling, “Take it off!" 


141 


PLAYBOY 


degrees at midnight. 1 had a pretty girl 
by my side and I hadn't been out of New 
York five hours yet. 


Forget about geography. Havana is a 
small town in much the same way that 
everyone knows everyone's business in 
Hollywood, Soho, South Beach, Paris, 
you name it. Like the relic buildings that 
dot the landscape there, reputations in 
Havana are easy to build and almost im- 
possible to ruin. That's why it is impor- 
tant not to be seen too often in the com- 
pany ofa jinetera. If only because you will 
one day hear about it from the Cuban 
woman of your dreams. 

So, even though my visits with jineteras 
were (ahern) for the purpose of this arti- 
cle, 1 was careful not to kecp them at the 
house too long. One young girl was mes- 
merized by the products in my medicine 
cabinet. After a lengthy discussion on 
why the women of Cuba are so lusty, she 
was inclined to leave with a bunch of my 
Aveda products rather than the agreed- 


upon fee of $50. Another was desperate 
for a few of my U2 CDs, and after a mild 
struggle, 1 parted with Achtung Baby and 
Rattle and Hum but drew the line at Josh- 
ua Tree. But what they left me with was 
well worth my material losses. 

One girl called Usnavy (named that 
way because of her mom's vision of U.S. 
Navy ships while she wasa child in Guan- 
tanamo Bay) told me Cuban women are 
the most beautiful and lustful because of 
their situation. "Maybe we are beautiful 
because we are, how you say, almost ex- 
tinct? That we dying?" the 18-year-old 
beauty said. "Like a rose is most beauti- 
ful the day before the bloom bows." 

Let me know when you hear nuggets 
like that from the 18-year-old cashier at 
Starbucks. 

On one starry night, a sweet jinetera 
named Kuki (who has two children at 
home sleeping on mattresses, while she 
sleeps on a blanket between them) asked. 
me if I could see star-filled skies like 
these back in New York City. "Sure, we 
can," 1 said. “We see this all the time. 


And we see tall buildings and bridges 
and tunnels. Don't you ever want to see 
more than you see now?” 

“No,” Kuki offered. “I see enough 
now. To see more is to be greedy.” 

This is not the same class of women 
who work at those nasty 1-800-Grr-LAID 
lines we have in the States. 1 sat with 
these women. I lay down with these wom- 
en. I admit that I basically went to Cuba 
to conquer a few of these women. But 
why did I always feel these women were 
conquering me? 

It was inevitable that on each night 
during one of my trips, my buddies and 
1 would meet in the living room after the 
Jineteras had been given their cab fare 
and we would tell our tales. Our stories 
went from being graphically sexual to 
describing the benign mispronouncia- 
tions of simple words. Sometimes we de- 
bated the impossibility of plain commu- 
nication versus the common language of 
pure sex. One girl used to insist on tak- 
ing a bath before and after lovemaking. 
Another walked 12 miles to our house 
the following night and waited at our 
curb for two hours before we fell out of 
our car, drunk and disillusioned. Three 
others insisted on helping us prepare 
a great meal and party we tossed for 
the entire town at the close of the Ha- 
vana Film Festival. They cooked for us, 
arranged flowers and lit candles. They 
took ice out of their own glasses when 
our drinks warmed. 

Soon the girls were running our 
household. The sounds of their voices 
and laughter were things we looked for- 
ward to. I can't speak for every one of 
my buddies, but the women of Cuba 
were turning me inside out. 1 had spent 
some 25 years talking to girls so I could 
lie down with them. Suddenly I was ly- 
ing down with girls just so I could talk 
to them. 

And then I met La China. 

The people of Havana call Yoandra 
Hernandez La China (pronounced “la 
checna") because the Chinese third of 
her heritage slants her eyes enough to 
distinguish her from the rest of the beau- 
ties on the island. She speaks enough 
English to get you through the night 
without licking your fingers through a 
pocket dictionary. We were Lucy and 
Ricky in reverse. La China is a model. 
Leave it to me to not be content enough 
with her friendship. I had to go and flip 
over her beautiful figure and her thick 
accent and her fluid sexuality. Despite 
warnings from my buddies, there was no 
stopping me from falling in love. Sud- 
denly I was opting for walks along the 
Malecon with her rather than trips to 
the disco with the boys. 1 spent nights 
holding her hand along the cobblestone 
streets of Habana Vieja while my pals 
perfected their rap with the pretty locals. 


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PLAYBOY 


On my third trip to Cuba, I was bringing 
her perfume and jewelry and watching 
her cry to a Billie Holiday lyric while 
my friends slowly accepted my secession 
from the ranks of the rowdy tourists. I 
would land in Havana and watch La Chi- 
narun toward me in the sca of jubilation 
and heartbreak thar personifies a Cuban 
airport. Then I would kiss her face the 
entire 16 miles into town. 

There was nothing materialistic about 
La China. A little rum, a little Coca-Cola, 
some Celia Cruz on the stereo and our 
sweaty bodies stuck together were an 
epiphany for her and a dream come true 


HARRY BLISS 


for me. Sometimes she would fall asleep 
next to me and I would stay awake for 
hours just staring at her. 

Falling in love, or lust, with a woman 
in Cuba was something I never ехресі- 
ed. I have yet to find the feeling in my 
three years in Hollywood and, a few 
years ago in New York City, I had to 
watch the love of my life drift away when 
my career jerked me away from our 
Greenwich Village neighborhood to Los 
Angeles. Negotiating love across 3000 
miles and three time zones proved im- 
possible. And yet now I was in love with 
an amazing woman living in one of the 


[ DUDE DESCENDING A STAIRCASE, NO | 
144 


last bastions of communism, in a country 
I'm technically not allowed to travel to. 
It was like having a pen pal on the moon. 

But still we tried. And sometimes we 
actually believed that my weeklong visits 
every three months would hold us over. 
We packed as much life into that one 
week as we could, and she was a soldier. 
On the final night of one visit, La China 
was stricken with food poisoning at a sal- 
sa club and we all watched in concern as 
her beautiful face began to blow up to 
horror-film proportions. “I sorry for my 
monster face,” she told our friends while 
we made our getaway. As one of my 
Cuban pals tossed me the keys to his 
BMW and told me to take her to a local 
hospital, La China insisted on finishing 
our dance. “She'll tell you the way to go. 
Tell them she's a tourist or they won't 
treat her. Now go!” 

After she received her shots and the 
swelling went away and the doctor gave 
her a sedative, La China was still hell- 
bent on getting back to the salsa club. 1 
insisted on taking her home, but she 
would have none of it. The lids on her 
bedroom eyes looked like they had 10- 
pound weights on them. "Bur, baby, it’s 
your last night. I need to make more fun 
for you.” 

When I steered the car toward her lit- 
de home, she cried in my lap, convinced 
she had ruined my night. “Please don't 
remember me this way.” 

Can you imagine an American girl act- 
ing this way? 

Of course, we got past that incident 
and spent many hours on the phone 
laughing over it before I returned for 
my final visit last December. That trip 
was bittersweet for me. December has 
been hell since my mom died on Christ- 
mas when I was a kid. Now the cruel 
month was about to take another beauty 
from my arms. 

Meanwhile, my understanding bud- 
dies Peppe and Rocco were getting ac- 
quainted with the heart and soul ofa Cu- 
ba I never saw. They took to the streets, 
hung out with Cubans and accepted in- 
vitations into their tiny, cramped homes. 
They rode buses, visited churches and 
watched as shirtless neighborhood men 
replaced their old Ford and Chevy car- 
buretors with Starkist tuna cans and Rus- 
sian tractor parts. 

One elderly and proud couple, Peter 
and Maria, waved my friends inside to 
show them Hollywood-style photos of 
themselves in their youth. In the framed 
photos—which inexplicably hung along- 
side images of Mighty Mouse and Mick- 
cy Mantle—Tyrone Power and Ava Gard- 
ner had nothing on this married pair. In 
the roofless kitchen, Peter pointed to a 
blackboard with scribbled English sen- 
tences he was teaching himself. 

“How has your day been?” said one. 


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“We have nothing to fear but fear it- 
self.” said another. 

And finally, “A penny saved is a penny 
earned.” 

Peter, in his late 70s, displayed the 
blackboard as if to show his respect and 
avid curiosity for Americana as Peppe 
snapped away. As the boys were about to 
leave, Rocco squeezed a $20 bill into the 
old man's hand and Peter broke down in 
tears and burned a sad farewell into our 
video camera: “I hope to be alive to see 
you again in my home one day.” The 
boys assured him he would. But as he 
shut the door, Peter's tears jumped from 
his eyes like mercury from a busted 
thermometer. “These are happy tears,” 
he said as the tape faded out. But they 
weren't. 

And there were days when my other 
friends dragged the boys to a tiny home 
in Pinar del Rio, in the hopes of speak- 
ing with the busted jinetera’s parents and 
trying to make sense of her arrest and 
incarceration. The girl's parents told my 
friend to forget about seeing her ever 
again. He cried the whole ride back to 
Havana. 

"There is an undeniably spooky side to 
Cuba's bustling single life. One night two 
beauties sat at our table after the famed. 
show at the Tropicana. Fllie and Caro- 
lina—with their tight white dresses— 
crashed our table and dug their hands 
into our ice bucket before filling up on 
heavy doses of seven-year-old Havana 
Club rum. (Drinkers note: This stuff 
makes 151 seem like Kool-Aid.) After a 
few seconds of gyrations at our table, 


Peppe and Maurizio took the girls for a 
whirl on the dance floor. An hour later 
we were all home and the pad echoed 
with the sounds of drunken men rum- 
maging a refrigerator and more sounds 
of sex coming from two rooms upstairs. 

The next morning, the girls grabbed 
their belongings and began the negotiat- 
ing of cash and gifts—which would sadly 
include soap, CDs, hair gel and high-end 
shampoo. Then the foursome made 
their way downstairs and waited for a 
cab. Before they left, Peppe noticed one 
of the girls had lifted his Aveda hair oil 
without his knowledge. As his broken 
Spanish alerted the older girl of the 
younger girl's theft, the jineteras engaged 
in a war of words that bordered on a 
mother hen disciplining her insubordi- 


small knife and quickly stuck it into the. 
younger girl's thigh. As we gasped at the. 
widening red spot and tried to stop her, 
the elder girl did it again. And in her 
best Spanglish, she explained to us that 
she was terribly embarrassed at her 
friend's behavior. “You are guests in our 
country," she told us. "And you have 
been gentlemen." 

And if this weren't enough, as the old- 
er jinetera ran for the honking cab, the 
younger girl cryptically told us she had 
placed a curse on the hair oil and it was 


useless to want it anyway. We shook off 


the creeps after an hour or so, but on 
our last evening in that home—as we 
were packing and leaving things behind 
for the needy family who lets us stay in 


IM STARTING 


A Bol TLED WATER COMPANY 


their home—Peppe offered the boule of 
hair oil to our ecstatic house maid. But 
just as she went to grab it, the bottle 
slipped, fell and broke into pieces at the 
spot where the jineteras had squared off. 
One of my last visions of Cuba was 
watching our friend try to scoop up the 
oil with a Kodak film container and a 
butter knife. She smiled as she made the 
ridiculous effort, and 1 became a quick 
believer in Cuban black magic. 
. 

La China was not at the airport wait- 
ing for me on my last trip to Cuba, but 
we did meet at a house party later that 
night, and the sparks flew like they al- 
ways had. I arrived a bit high on a bottle 
of Havana Club rum, and called out her 
name over the DJ's records. And within 
seconds I saw La China running toward 
me. We spent the evening in our own lit- 
tle world of inside jokes, huge promises 
and the drunken prospect of a possible 
life together. ‘The night ended with us 
finishing off a dance alone іп a paint- 
chipped blue stairwell. far from the 
drunken revelers on the terrace but too 
close for my comfort to a beautiful guy in 
a fancy white suit. He kept his eye on us 
too long for my liking. 

“Who's that guy?” I asked her between 
kisses. 

“A photographer friend of mine.” 

“He likes you, no?” 

“Тат with you, no?” 

She left with me and the guys that 
night for a wild night at the Tropicana 
Club, but it still didn’t sit right with me. 

The week flew by. La China had to 
work long hours on a photo shoot and 
seeing me was almost impossible. So my 
pals and I spent our days downing mo- 
jitos at the Hemingway Marina, eating 
grilled lobster at Santa Maria beach 
while an old man named Arturo gave us 
45-minute full-body massages for seven 
bucks. We found a scary town where 
chickens cried in anticipation of being 
sacrificed by santeros, who were asked to 
cure locals of their ills. I watched a san- 
tero spit a mouthful of rum on an old 
man’s back before he began beating the 
bird to death across the man’s torso. 
When the rooster finally lay dead for the 
man’s sins, an old woman took my hand 
and walked away crying. “Тһе man feel 
better already,” she said to me matter-of- 
factly, as if we'd just watched a doctor 
prescribe two Tylenols. 

On what was to be my final night in 
Havana, the boys and I tossed a big раг- 
ty in the backyard of the private house 
we always stay in. We intended to spend 
every cent of our money, save for the ex- 
act amount we would need before we 
could all make withdrawals atan ATM in 
Mexico. And that meant all we needed 
was the $18 airport tax in Cuba as we got 


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PLAYBOY 


148 


on the plane. I promised everyone I 
would steal jamon y queso sandwiches for 
us before we boarded. We shook hands 
and decided to give the town something 
to talk about. 

We cleaned out every flower cart in 
Havana. We bought cases and cases of 
Cuba's favorite rum, Havana Club, and 
an equal amount of Coca-Cola. We 
packed 20 pounds of ice on two bicycles. 
An older woman named Ilda roasted a 
pig for us while her husband, Enrique, 
tended to huge pots of chicken ajillo and 
black beans, rice, mojo sauce and yue- 
ca. Little girls from the neighborhood 
strung lights along the yard while little 
boys played basketball using the hoop 
we put up in the backyard. We hired a 
salsa band. Neighbors walked over and 
serenaded us with Hasta Siempre—the 
Che Guevara anthem—with their own 
guitars and maracas. Even some of Cu- 
ba's policermen—those ominous and mus- 
tachioed tough guys—stopped by, had a 
bite and a dance and left. Somehow or 
other we managed to have some of the 
biggest names in Cuban cinema and mu- 
sic dancing on the patio that night. One 
old man, who had been sitting shirtless 
in a rocking chair, took my friend Rocco 
aside and told him he hadn't had this 
much fun since the Revolution. 

At close to three А.М., there was only 
one question: Why wasn’t La China here 
to bid me farewell on our last night? 

“I hope she's all right,” Rocco offered. 

“Ah, no big. ГІЇ deal," I shrugged. 

But it was big to me. And I couldn't 
deal. 

Later we overheard a girl speaking in 
hushed tones into a phone in anoth- 
er room. Apparently one of our female 
friends, Anita, was on the phone with La 
China. Rocco, who is much more fluent 
in Spanish than 1 am, leaned close to the 
door. I could tell by his face the news 
wasn't good. 

Rocco laid it out like Morse code. 
“She's with the guy in the white suit. At 
the Hotel Nacional right now. He's nota 


photographer. He's a bullfighter from 
Spain. She says she likes you. A lot. But 
she’s afraid to fall in love with you be- 
cause of the possibility of rarely seeing 
you. She doesn't want to live with a bro- 
ken heart. 

“She's crying now,” Rocco continued. 
“The bullfighter means little to her. But 
he is free to travel to Cuba whenever he 
wants. She says to please tell you it was 
simply too hard to face you on your last 
night.” 

We all just stood there, drunk and 
dazed. Our plane would leave in wo 
hours. We were all packed. There was 
only one thing to do. 

“I'm going to the Hotel Nacional,” I 
said. “I gotta see her one last time. ГІЇ 
see you guys at the airport.” 

Our driver waited outside while I 
found La China alone for a moment by 
the pool. The bullfighter was loudly ге- 
galing some men with his tales from 
the ring. 

I sneaked up to her behind a fountain. 
“You're just gonna forget about me like 
that, my China?” I said, shocking her to 
instant tears. 

“Oh, no, no, baby,” she cried. “I don't 
mean to not see you.” She was rubbing 
her heart, searching for words, looking 
over her shoulder. Suddenly there was a 
language barrier between us. 

“Come on, the hell with that guy, you 
can see him whenever you want. Who 
knows when you'll see me again?” 

We climbed in the car with La China's 
face buried in my chest as the driver 
kept his nose on the winding stretches of 
the Malecon. 

For a while we said nothing. 1 just 
stroked her hair while she twirled the 
tle ceramic bracelets she bought me in 
Habana Vieja. I smelled the diesel fumes 
mixed with the Chanel No. 5 I had 
brought her on a previous trip. 

La China cried and cried. 

“You are a young, beautiful woman. 
Live your life. I am the American who 
comes here and wishes to sce you every 


“Well, if I don't have the right to lop off a head now 
and then, who does?” 


three months or so. If you have time, 
you see me. You let me feel the wind. 
That's all I can ask of you." 

We were both crying now as we kissed 
in the dark of her doorway. La China 
closed the security gate to her front 
door, but before she closed the heavy 
wooden door, she called me back. 

“Baby, sometimes when you are—how 
you say in English?—persistent, you сап 
catch the wind.” 

Jesus, they speak in poems, these Cu- 
ban women. Hemingway knew. 

I got to the airport, jacked a few sand- 
wiches and met the fellas on the plane. I 
kept them awake the entire flight to Mex- 
ico with the painful poetry оЁй all. 


It is foolish to believe a letter sent to 
Cuba, or letters sent from Cuba to Amer- 
ica, will reach the intended person. Only 
the rich have e-mail and even then, you 
never know who's reading it in addition 
to whom you send it to. So the only con- 
tact I intended to keep with La China 
was the same weekly phone call I had 
been making for the entire year. But the 
day we arrived home we were met with 
the news that Castro had cut off phone 
lines between America and Cuba—be- 
cause of some AT&T flap—and there 
was no telling how long that would con- 
tinue. That meant I was going to be de- 
nied even the sound in La China's voice. 
No more giggles. No more promises, No 
more calls. To make matters worse, the 
U.S. Treasury got wind of my illegal trips 
and heavily fined me for going without 
permission. It didn’t matter that I went 
to pursue a tragic love—Treasury agents 
don't keep much Kleenex around. After 
I paid my fine and my attorney asked 
when I might be able to get permission 
to travel there again, the answer was 
painfully short. 

“Tell your client that he went there 
enough. That's it.” 

A man can only look at photographs 
so long before he begins to forget the 
simple things that Кері a woman in his 
heart. Several weeks after 1 lost contact 
with La China, I saw a little Yorkie pup- 
py in the window of a pet shop who just 
happened to have beenborn on June 14, 
which is Che Guevara's birthday. 1 took 
that as a sign. 1 needed dog like I need- 
ed a hole in the head, but I took the pup- 
py home. 1 named her La China, and 
now | watch with glee as she fills my 
house with her nervous energy, tireless 
spirit and undying loyalty. She is small 
and full of heart, and her little body 
shakes with devotion whenever I walk 
into the house. She also has an overbite. 
She sleeps at the foot of my bed at night. 
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PLAYBOY 


Oscar De La Hoya continue from page 125) 


When I hit them with my hardest shot and they laugh, 
T think, Oh no, it's going to be a long night. 


hit. I say to myself, How did that hap- 
pen? We threw the same punch and 
we're making the same movement. We 
train to move, let's say, one inch to the 
left to miss that right hand and it just 
happens instinctively. If I didn't move 
that one inch 1 would get hit, but in- 
stincts take over. 


7 


PLAYBOY: We hear there's a vulnerable 
spot between the fourth and fifth ribs. If 
you hit that area, it just blows che wind 
out of you. True? 

DE LA HOYA: There's a certain spot that 
maybe I shouldn't reveal because my 
next opponent may be reading this. But, 
yes, there is a certain spot that every 
fighter has that is weak, and it's the rib 
cage. Right in the middle, near the stom- 
ach, if you connect there at perfect speed 
and timing the guy won't stand up. It 
would be impossible for him to continue. 


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to fight. It's right below the solar plexus. 
You gethit there and it's over. It’s a body 
part you cannot protect. We train to 
have an armored shield all around us. 
We hit our forearms on walls, we hit the 
punching bag with our fists, we do neck 
exercises, we do shoulder exercises. We 
train every part of the body, but you just 
cannot build up that spot. You cannot 
train it. It’s always weak. 


8 


riaysoy: Did anyone ever come to the 
ring dressed preposterously and you 
laughed? 

DELA HOYA: Jorge Paez, he's the clown of 
boxing. That's what he's known for. His 
shorts are past his knees and they have. 
30 different colors. When I was looking 
at him across the ring, I couldn't help 
but laugh. You don't want to laugh right 
in his face or you don't want him to 
notice that you're laughing, so you're 


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laughing inside and you're thinking, Oh 
my gosh. I’m going to fight this clown. 
That fight was funny because he came 
out like a clown and was joking and 
bouncing around. I knocked him out in 
the first few seconds of round two. It 
was funny because the way I knocked 
him out, he landed forward and did a 
whole turn, It was like a somersault. I 
was thinking, Is he joking around? He's 
dressed as a clown. Is he trying to be a 
clown, doing a somersault? But when 1 
saw that he didn't get up for five min- 
utes, I knew he was seriously hurt. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Outside the ring, w 
robes and shorts do you w 
DE LA HOYA: Well, I actually go to the 
place where Hugh Hefner gets his robes 
I love putting on my silk pajamas and 
slippers. A smoker's jacket. It’s pretty 
cool. There's a shot of me in a smoking 
jacket at a pajama party at the Playboy 
Mansion. 


kinds of 


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10 


PLAYBOY: Do you have any advice for 
someone in a bar fight? 
DE LA HOYA: Run. Just run. You've got 


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PLAYBOY 


152 


beer bottles flying around, you got the 
chairs. Just keep your hands up and if 
you can, run. I'm sure those bottles over 
the head hurt. Гуе never experienced 
one, but I'm pretty sure they hurt. 


11 


PLAYBOY: Layer by layer, what's in your 
trunks? 

DE La HOYA: In my trunks I wear a pro- 
tective cup. You've got to protect the 
jewels. The Hoyas. That's it. You want to 
be as light as possible inside that ring. 
No secrets, none whatsoever. 


12 


PLAYBOY: How good do you feel going in- 
to the ring? 

DE LA HOYA: 1 actually don't feel good at 
all going into the ring. I'm so nervous. 
I'm never scared, but I have butterflies 
in my stomach, and 1 have this feeling of 
getting cold and I start shaking. You 
have to feel good, because if you don't, 
then you start thinking, Did I train for 
the fight? Did 1 do enough rounds 
for the fight? Did 1 run enough miles? 
I've seen fighters postpone fights on the 
night of the fight—actually postpone or 
cancel them. You have to feel good. It's 
your life in the ring. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Is there a place you don't like to 
get hit? 

DE LA HOYA: My face. I try to take care of 
my face as much as possible, especially 
my nose. You touch my nose and it's all 
over for you. 


14 


PLAYBOY: When someone lands a great 
punch, do you get pissed? 

DE LA HOYA: Yeah. I start feeling fire all 
over my body. My eyes get red. I get an- 
gry, but you have to control that anger. 
Because if you're angry in the ring you 
won't win. As much as I want to be angry 
because they hit me, you have to keep 
your calm. You have to be collected, you 
have to be cool inside the ring. Anger 
works against you in the ring. You just. 
start whaling away, and you throw your 
whole game plan away, and thats when 
it gets dangerous. 


15 


PLAYBOY: We're told fighters shouldn't 
have sex before a fight. Do you? 

DE LA HOYA: I had a girlfriend a long time 
ago who I had sex with the night before 
a fight. Must have been my best perfor- 
mance ever—in the ring that is. And to 
this day my trainer doesn't believe it, my 
father doesn't believe it. She was there 
and I couldn't help it. And it was my best 
performance. 1 proved a lot of people 
wrong. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Should Mike Tyson be allowed 
to box? 

De La HOYA: That's a toughie. I don't want 
him coming after me, because he would. 
Mike Tyson gives boxing a bad name. We 
all know that, but since we're in the land 
of opportunity you cannot take away a 
person's livelihood. But then again, you 
think of Tyson and you think of biting 
ears and eating children. So he's in such 


“Is it time for Sex and the City already?” 


a tough position because people don't 
watch him now for his talent in the ring. 
They watch him because they want to sce 
what crazy thing he'll do with his op- 
ponent. It's really sad because we grew 
up watching Mike Tyson as the destroy- 
er, the champ. Over the years he has 
changed. 


17 


PLAYBOY: In the age of AIDS, is the sight 
of blood cause for concern? 

DE LA HOYA: It's scary, because you worry 
about all the diseases out there. We have 
to get checked all the time—before a 
fight and after—but it still worries me. 
You never know what's out there. It also 
actually helps when you have somebody 
bleeding. You're so eager to have the 
fight stopped that it makes you throw 
more punches, and it makes you more 
aware. It makes you want to get away 
from the opponent so you won't get 
blood on yourself. I've found myself 
wanting to knock my opponent out very 
early or using the best defense of my life 
because 1 don't vant that blood on me. 


18 


PLAYBOY: Ever had your knees buckle 
outside the ring? 

DE LA HOYA: Many times. That one night 
before my fight, my knees were buck- 
ling. Yeah, many times. I can't elaborate 
on that. I think that's the reason why all 
trainers say it's bad to have sex before a 
fight, because your knees buckle. They're 
right. They do buckle after you do the 
deed. I've never been in a street fight in 
my life. I've never had anybody punch 
me in the chin and my knees buckle or 
anything like that. Other than that night 
before the fight, my knees have been 
all right. 


19 


PLAYBOY: Place Don King in the panthe- 
on of boxing personalities. Is he a sav- 
ior of the oppressed or a sewer rat? 

pF 1 4 HOYA: Don King is a smart man for 
what he's doing. Every single fight of his, 
if you notice, is controversial. Yet he gets 
away with it. People still tune in to his 
fights. As he says, *only in America." 
Well, America has given him the oppor- 
tunity and he's taken advantage of it. If 
its in a corrupt way or an honest way, he 
still takes advantage. 1 don't praise what 
he's doing, but he's a smart business- 
man. That's all he is and that's all it is to 
him—a business. 


20 
PLAYBOY: Can you be both a lover and a 
fighter? 
DE La HOYA: I've always been. I've always 


balanced it out. 


ЕС) j Т 


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JOHN HERB #16 


8125456 т 8 з 18 714718 19 28 21 2072: 


air Sick (continued from page 78) 


Do you know what your life is wort 


? The FAA has 


pegged the going rate at $2.7 million. 


enter cargo holds. “What this incident 
shows is that no matter what regulations 
are passed, the threat of inadvertent 
placement of hazardous materials on air- 
craft will always be with us,” said James 
Hall, chairman of the National Trans- 
portation Safety Board. The board then 
made an emergency recommenda- 
tion that cargo holds be retrofitted with 
smoke detectors and fire-suppression 
systems. It would have been a reassuring 
move—if it had been carried out. 

Five months into 1997, Hall was furi- 
ous that nothing had been done. “We 
are unaware of any aircraft that have 
been retrofitted, and I understand that 
the airlines are waiting for FAA rule 
making,” Hall wrote. Delta Airlines had 
rigged one 737 with the equipment and 
was waiting for FAA approval to do the 
same on 391 more aircraft. It took until 
March 2001 for the FAA to require air- 
lines to install fire-detection and -sup- 
pression systems in cargo holds. A once- 
aggressive attempt by state prosecutors 
in Florida to press criminal charges 
against Valujet’s maintenance contractor 
Sabretech was resolved at the end of 
last year, when Sabretech pledged to do- 
nate $500,000 to aviation safety causes. 
What became of Valujet? It merged with 
AirTran. 

Since 1989, there have been four fatal 
fucl-tank explosions on commercial jets. 
None of them was more horrifying than 
TWA flight 800 in July 1996. The center 
fuel-tank explosion on that flight ripped 
the aircraft in two and killed all 230 
aboard. Little has been done since 1996 
to eliminate tank explosions, and there 
is every likelihood that they will happen 
again. At the time of the crash, the pub- 
lic’s attention was focused on sinister 
scenarios: A Navy missile or a terror- 
ist's bomb were leading theories for the 
crash, However, the NTSB proved the 
Boeing 747 was destroyed by mechanical 
failure. Research into the volatility of 
vapors in jumbo-jet fuel tanks showed 
that dangerous conditions exist far more 
frequently than previously thought. Jet 
fuel is more volatile than it seemed іп 
decades-old lab experiments. And fuel 
tanks reach much higher temperatures 
than they were originally designed for. 
(Most center tanks sit above air-condi- 
tioning units, which give off great heat.) 
This was news to the FAA, but not to 
the lawyers who built lucrative practices 
representing families of crash victims. 
Kreindler and Kreindler, a law firm 
that handled many families in the flight 


800 case, knew what downed the plane. 
“Based on our intensive hands-on inves- 
tigation,” reads a statement by Kreind- 
ler, “the firm quickly determined that 
the likely cause of the disaster was a me- 
chanical malfunction leading to an ex- 
plosion in the center fuel cell.” Three 
months after the crash, the firm had 
filed the first suit against TWA and 
Boeing. 

Shortly after the disaster, there were 
numerous proposals on how to avoid fu- 
ture explosions. Since the fuel vapors 
were ignited by a spark from copper wir- 
ing around a fuel pump, aviation engi- 
neers proposed using fiber-optic cables 
in 747s. That would decrease weight and 
allow the remaining copper to be insu- 
lated better. (Engineers haye known for 
decades that copper wiring—which al- 
so triggered the Apollo 13 disaster—de- 


grades.) Another proposal endorsed by 
the FAA's director of aircraft certification 
called for a switch to a jet fuel that va- 
porizes at a higher temperature. The fu- 
el mix, currently used by the Navy and 
fully compatible with commercial en- 
gincs, would dramatically reduce the 
risk of tank explosions. By December 
1996 the NTSB had strongly recom- 
mended that pilots switch off pumps 
when fuel was low and pump an inert 
gas suchas nitrogen into the tanks to elim- 
inate flammable vapors. 

Enter the moneymen. Thanks to a 
congressional mandate—heartily sup- 
ported by the airline lobby—all chang- 
es to FAA regulations must be cost ef- 
fective. Do you know what your life is 
worth? The FAA does. The agency ap- 
pointed a task force to produce a risk-as- 
sessment study. The group determined 
that fuel-tank explosions occur once 
every four years. It set a price (based on 
payments to the families of the deceased) 
of $2.7 million for cach person killed in 
such anaccident, and factored іп the val- 
ue of lost aircraft. The task force then 
examined the cost of upgrading fuel 
tanks, and determined it was 50 times 


“For heaven’s sake, Sarah, wait until Pue done something and 
then forgive me.” 


153 


PLAYBOY 


cheaper to live with fatal explosions than 
it was to fix the problem. In other words, 
they weren't about to force the airline in- 
dustry to spend $21 billion to save $400 
million. “1 am disappointed that the 
cost-benefit analysis leads the FAA not 
to recommend g systems,” said 
NTSB acting chairman Carol Carmody. 
“We question the factual basis for the 
cost-benefit analysis in the report.” In 
March 2001, a Thai Airways Boeing 737 
blew up on a Bangkok runway, due toan 
explosion in the center fuel tank, killing 
one crew member and injuring seven 
others. It turns out the FAA was right— 
fuel-tank explosions take place every 
four years. 

It makes you want to close your eyes 
and not think about this stuff. And that's 
exactly what pilots do. Studies conduct- 
ed by the FAA and NASA suggest that 
one in seven pilots nods off in the cock- 
pit, particularly during overnight inter- 
national flights. NASA and a nonprofit 
group concluded that pilots should not 
be on duty for longer than 12 hours. Pi- 
lot unions naturally agree, but the main 
airline lobbying group, the Air Trans- 
port Association, is against it (because it 
would add unnecessary costs—one way 
to reduce fatigue is to hire more pilots). 
FAA regulations mandate at least eight 
hours of rest and no more than eight 
hours’ flying time during any 24-hour 
period. But the toll of pilot fatigue un- 
der current standards is undeniable. 
Tired pilots often aren't aware of what's 
going on, don't comply with procedures 
and miss radio calls. One worn-out Delta 
crew almost crashed into the Atlanta sky- 
line. An America West crew undershot 
the runway at Dallas-Fort Worth and 
dug a new ditch in the ground with their 
landing gear. Near the end of a 12-hour 
stint, one pilot says he forgot he was 
landing at a runway that had been short- 
ened by 3000 feet. "This, coupled with a 
slight tail wind, bad judgment and poor 
landing technique from being so tired, 
required that I use maximum braking 
and reverse to stop the airplane. We 


stopped about 10 feet short of the end 


of the runway.” 

Fatigue had fatal consequences in 
June 1999. The crew of American Air- 
lines flight 1420 reported to work in 
Chicago at 10:15 a.m. After trips to Salt 
Lake City and Dallas and a two-hour 
weather delay, the crew took off for Little 
Rock. Around midnight, the pilot tried 
to land in stormy conditions. The plane 
skidded off a runway and slammed in- 
to a light standard. The crash killed 11 
people. The performance of the crew 
was attributed to fatigue. FAA Adminis- 
trator Jane Garvey immediately called 
for rigorous enforcement of FAA rules 
that prevent exhausted crews from fly- 
ing. A year later, American was sull not 
in compliance and still had not been sub- 
jected to punishment. (The airline’s lob- 
byists have done a good job selling the 
notion that American is indispensable to 
the national economy.) "It's a safety issue 
that needs attention,” said Thomas Mc- 
Sweeney, the FAA'S director of aircraft 
certification, “but it’s not a safety prob- 
lem that needs urgent attention.” That's 
reassuring. 

The FAA's instinct is to defend the air- 
lines. Look at the relationship between 
the agency and Alaska Airlines before 
the crash of flight 261. When inspectors 
recommended that Alaska Airlines be 
fined up to $400,000 for failing to pro- 
vide proper documentation on the flying 
ability of 35 pilots, FAA managers sent 
an apologetic letter for the hassle to Alas- 
ka once the airline acknowledged the er- 
ror. One inspector, who was transferred 
to Alaska’s headquarters in Seattle after 
having worked with People's Express 
and Pan Am, was disturbed by the cama- 
raderie between FAA administrators and 
their counterparts at Alaska. Other in- 
spectors at the flight standards section 
claimed publicly they were either pun- 
ished or transferred when they tried to 
enforce regulations. Over in the mainte- 
nance division at Alaska (which was once 
fined by the FAA $338,000 for infrac- 
tions on Boeing 737s), there were prob- 
lems that would end in wagedy. 

In January 2000 88 lives were lost 


when flight 261 plunged into the Pacific 
Ocean. The crash was attributed by in- 
vestigators for the NTSB to a defective 
jackscrew that controlled the horizontal 
stabilizer in the tail. By the ume of the 
crash, the maintenance division of Alas- 
ka had been the subject of a criminal in- 
vestigation for more than a year. DOT 
and FBI agents had seized records at a 
maintenance shop in Oakland and were 
looking into allegations that mechanics 
had signed off on repairs they may not 
have completed. After the crash The Se- 
atile Post-Intelligencer reported that one 
mechanic told the FBI, “The most 1 
know about the FAA is they don’t come 
around very much.” Months after the 
accident, distraught mechanics—64 of 
them—wrote an open letter to their 
bosses saying they had been “pressured, 
threatened and intimidated” to get 
planes out of maintenance hangars. 
Crash investigators discovered that the 
jackscrew on flight 261 failed a routine 
test in 1997 and was slated for replace- 
ment, but was put back in the plane 
when it passed more tests the following 
day. The mechanics wrote their letter 
when another plane requiring repair to 
the jackscrew and horizontal stabilizer 
rolled into their shop. Debate broke out 
until the mechanics’ supervisor agreed 
the proper repairs should take place. 
The mechanics complained of the super- 
visor's "persistent demand that we put 
unserviceable parts back on the aircraft.” 
Weeks later, former Alaska mechanic 
John Liotine told Dateline he had wanted 
to replace the jackscrew in 1997 but had 
been overruled. Liotine told a grand 
jury that airline officials falsified docu- 
ments and sent out planes that were not 
airworthy. In response to the open let- 
ter by mechanics, the FAA announced it 
would conduct a special inspection of the 
airline—years after its own people had 
complained of irregularities, almost a 
year and a half into a federal criminal in- 
vestigation, and three months afier the 
deaths of 88 people. 

Prior to the World Trade Center disas- 
ter, the FAA issued fines to airlines for a 


quarter of all airport security breaches. 
Many fines were subsequently reduced 
after the airlines complained. Other cas- 
es were settled with written warnings. Be- 
tween 1990 and 2000, the total amount 
of fines sought by the FAA was 828.5 mil- 
lion. That's less than what a major air- 
line spends in a week, on average, on jet 
fuel. Meanwhile, the failure rates (weap- 
ons that get past security) by baggage 
screeners hired by the airlines ranged 
from 10 to 20 percent (government sta- 
tistics) or 80 to 90 percent (according to 
former FAA undercover agent Steve El- 
son). When these revelations were made 
public, FAA spokesman Jerry Snyder 
went into spin mode. “The bottom line is 
that we're more interested in strength- 
ening security than we are in punishing 
screeners,” Snyder told the San Francisco 
Chronicle. “So if there are opportunities 
to better educate and train them, we 
would rather see the airlines’ funds go to 
that than fines for government coffers.” 
We all know how well that worked. With 
no threat of punishment, why would an 
airline sacrifice money for safety? Early 
this year, the Transportation Depart- 
ment was ordered by the Office of the 
Special Counsel (the agency that reviews 
federal workers’ accusations against the 
government) to investigate claims by 
Bogdan Dzakovic, security investigator 
for the FAA. Dzakovic belongs to the 
FAA's red team, a group formed after the 
Pan Ат 103 disaster to test the civil avia- 
tion security system. He claims fright- 
ened managers ignored the team’s secu- 
rity findings. “In 1998 we were successful 
in getting major weapons—guns and 
bombs—through screening checkpoints 
with relative ease at least 85 percent of the 
time in most cases,” he said in a statement. 

Some people within the agency saw it 
coming. Billie Vincent, FAA security 
chief from 1982 to 1986, says internal se- 
curity memos warned of many possible 
security breaches during the past two 
years. The FAA even released a 2000 s 
curity report that had plenty of warning 
signs—including the thwarted attempt 
by Algerian hijackers to ram a jetliner in- 
to the Eiffel Tower. Although Jane Gar- 
vey, the head of FAA, went on record to 
say the September 11 attacks “couldn't 
be foreseen,” Vincent says they were. 
“The attacks on these planes were low- 
tech. The attacks were foreseen as a pos- 
sibility and the FAA failed miserably in 
stopping them. It has always been be- 
holden to the airlines. So has the De- 
partment of Transportation. It wants 
streamlined security measures, and 
doesn’t want to waste the time and mon- 
ey it would take to provide real security. 
The airline industry has fought every 
regulation and every rule. We have to 
satisfy ourselves with the appearance of 


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155 


SECOND ACT KAMIKAZES 


if a teenager can steal a plane, so can а bomb-crazy terrorist 


he next time will be different. The biggest fear in the 

airline industry and in law enforcement isn't the large 
airliner being used as a missile. What keeps everyone up at 
night is a scenario in which a number of pilots load explo- 
sives or bioweapons on small private planes and crash the 
planes into radio transmitters, water plants, power plants, 
nuclear reactors, stadiums or shopping malls. There are 
5300 public-use airports in the U.S. and 
about 19,000 landing areas. And they are 
nearly impossible for a federal agency to 
police; security at small airports is handled 
by the towns that own them. Witness the 
suicide of 15-year-old Charles Bishop, who 
stole a plane and crashed it into a Tampa 
office building last January. 

“We could have 15 or so sleeper terror- 
ists still inside the U.S. right now,” says 
Gurt Coughlin, a senior manager at the 
Department of Energy. “They could be 
assigned to different malls in large cities. 
They could come in and kill themselves 
and hundreds if not thousands of others 
with conventional explosives. That would 
completely shut down commerce in this 
country. It's the thing we haven't thought 
of that could be the most lethal. Before 
September 11, who would have thought a 
commercial jet aircraft could be used as a lethal missile?" 

he Federal Aviation Administration has recently assert- 

€d its control of American skies in typical fashion—on 
paper. Notices were sent to professional and amateur pi- 
lots, informing them of new flight restrictions around po- 
tential targets. The regulations expanded Class B airspace, 
which was originally designed to separate commercial air 
traffic and small planes. Class B airspace usually resembles 
an inyerted wedding cake. At low altitudes (up to 2000 
feet) itextends in a radius of a mile or two outside of an air- 
port. At higher altitudes it reaches many miles. Restrictions 
now apply to entire metropolitan areas. Other notices 
warned pilots not to “loiter” near power plants, nuclear 
plantsand dams. To private pilots the directives seemed fu- 
Ше. Instead of providing assurance, the notices under- 
scored the fear emanating from Washington that air ter- 
rorism cannot be stopped. 

“How can we take these seriously?” asks Wendy Carter, 
manager of Gaithersburg Airpark, Maryland's second- 
busiest airport. “A pilot isn't supposed to ‘loiter’ near dams 
or power plants? What is the definition of loitering? If 
you're on an instrument approach to an airport, you may 
not even know you're near a power plant or dam. And, if 
you're serious about taking one of them out from the air, 
you don't need to loiter. You can just fly straight in. There's 
nothing that could be done. These rules are made only to 
give us the appearance of safety while stifling legitimate air 
traffic. It's frustrating.” 

There are 635,000 private and commercial pilots certi- 
fied to fly in the U.S. According to a recent report and FAA 
statistics, 3300 of them are from the Middle East (1811 
from Saudi Arabia, 303 from Egypt and 273 from the Unit- 
ed Arab Emirates). There are hundreds of flight schools in 
this country and many have large numbers of foreign stu- 
dents, sometimes as many as 60 percent. The cost of an av- 
erage hour of instruction is cheaper in the U.S. than in Eu- 
rope, and American certification is recognized worldwide. 


But tighter restrictions on certification and flight schools 
would not eliminate the possibility of an unlicensed for- 
eign-trained pilot's flying a mission in a small plane. 

If your backyard is big enough, you can build your own 
airstrip. The militant Muslim group Al-Fugra had plans to 
build an airstrip at its compound in Colorado—described 
as a “high-altitude training camp" by a prosecutor—before 
it was shut down. A local resident noticed 
strangers in town acting suspiciously at the 
laundromat and reported them to the po- 
lice. In an ensuing raid investigators found 
a .50-caliber machine gun, a cache of AK-17s 
and 6000 rounds hidden in a cave the ter- 
rorists had drilled into the mountainside. 

I-Fugra, founded in Pakistan by a 

cleric (it was he who Wall Street Jour- 
nal reporter Daniel Pearl was seeking to in- 
terview before Pearl was kidnapped and 
slain), gained a toehold here among a 
handful of Muslims and converts. The 
group was linked by authorities to the 
burning down of rival mosques and was 
suspected of other murderous acts, One of 
its members was a pilot and used small air- 
craft to fly in supplies to communities near 
Binghamton, New York and in Colorado. 
Another member—a veteran of the civil 
war in Afghanistan—was held for questioning in con- 
nection with the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Cen- 
ter. Iwo more members of the organization were fugitives 
once featured on America's Most Wanted. They were never 
caught. The activities of the most violent members of Al- 
Fuqra serve as an example of how a revolutionary under- 
ground operates in the U.S. 

“We need to recognize we're at war and act accordingly,” 
says John Kelly, a security consultant. "It wouldn't hurt for 
the FAA to profile pilots, student pilots and airline person- 
nel as well as passengers. A minimal amount of noninvasive 
things could be done to encourage employees to spot pos- 
sible threats. It all amounts to keeping our eyes open and 
being trained to spot questionable behavior. There is noth- 
ing more to it than that.” 

“Private planes are used for drug trafficking all the 
time,” says a former DEA chief in Texas. “There are pri- 
vate, remote airstrips all over this country. They are used 
for drug trafficking, but they can also be used for the de- 
livery of bioterrorist weapons and conventional weapons. 
There are even more of these airstrips in Mexico. We have 
to shut them down and that's virtually impossible to do.” 

“Picture this,” says one private security consultant hired 
by the government. “You're sitting in a stadium watching a 
pro football game. Maybe it's the playoffs, maybe it's the 
Super Bowl. Suddenly five or ten small airplanes with con- 
ventional weapons dive through the roof of the dome and 
explode. Can you imagine the panic? In the World ‘Trade 
Center you did not actually see many people die. We knew 
it happened, but we did not see it. What if we're watching 
a televised sporting event or some public event like the Ma- 
cy's Thanksgiving parade and we actually see thousands of 
people killed? That's terror. With the thousands of inde- 
pendent uncontrolled airports around the country, it is vir- 
tually impossible to guarantee the safety of the population 
from such attacks. You cannot scramble interceptors fast 
enough, nor could you undo such damage.” 


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safety, and for years the FAA has gone 
along with it.” 

According to a study of FAA docu- 
ments by USA Toda), in the 10 years pri- 
or to 2000, unruly passengers managed 
to break through or damage flimsy cock- 
pit doors more than a dozen times. After 
one incident involving a knife-wielding 
man on Alaska Airlines flight 259 in 
2000, a flight attendant wrote a letter to 
the FAA and Congress alerting them to 
the ease with which passengers could 
gain access to the cockpit. The FAA's re- 
sponse? More paper. Federal regulators 
sent the attendant a letter reiterating the 
FAA's policy. It left the banning of knives 
up to the airlines, and said strengthen- 
ing cockpit doors was “under consid- 
eration.” But when Alaska Airlines 
approached the FAA with a plan to put 
a bar across the door, regulators said 
it didn’t пи requirements and nixed 
it. Despite the escalating number of as- 
saults by passengers during the era of air 
rage, the FAA did little more than issue 
small fines and warning letters. Public 
Citizen, an industry watchdog group, 
published a study last fall that showed 
how the FAA's inherent conflict of inter- 
est renders it ineffective. “The FAA has 
been commandeered by the very indus- 
try it is supposed to regulate,” says Joan 
Claybrook, president of Public Citizen, a 
not-for-profit public-interest organiza- 
tion. "Asa consequence, aviation security 
has become dangerously lax. The report 
shows that the FAA should have little if 
any future role in aviation security. 

Too bad Congress didn't see it that 
way. Thanks to the new Aviation Securi- 
ty Bill passed in November, the FAA will 
be much inyolved in security. The bill 
enacted a $2.50-per-flight-segment sur- 
charge to fund the new Transportation 
Security Administration, a new agency in 
the Department of Transportation that 
will employ 30,000 baggage screeners. 
According to the bill, screeners will be 
American citizens who have high school 
diplomas and will earn up to $35,000 
(an improvement over the time when 
screeners earned less than their buddies 
at the airport food courts). Congress also 
mandated the strengthening of cockpit 
doors within 60 days, the screening of all 
checked bags within 60 days (even in the 
days after September 11, only 10 per- 
cent of all checked luggage was exam- 
ined), and the screening of all bags for 
explosives by the end of 2002. Itsounds 
good, but such measures are easier to 
legislate than to implement. Less than a 
month after the bill had passed, Depart- 
ment of Transportation head Norman 
Mineta warned that the FAA probably 
wouldn't make the first deadline. But 
his announcement certainly didn't get 
as much attention as the Aviation Securi- 
ty Bill did. Neither did the FAA's next 


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158 


FAR SPELLS FAILURE 


billie vincent, an ex-security chief, says the agency is too sluggish to prevent the next disaster 


illie Vincent worked at the FAA 

for 30 years. He held positions in 
air-traffic control (eventually running 
the biggest air-traffic control center, 
in New York) and served as a liaison 
to Congress. From 1982 to 1986 he 
served as the chief of security. Now 
67, Vincent is the president of Aero- 
space Services International, a firm 
that consults on security measures. 
But he still finds time to level the 
charge that the FAA is a floundering, 
inept organization. 


What is wrong with the FAA? 


“Senior management is their single 
biggest problem. The current admin- 
istrator is irrelevant. She is a captive of 
the airline industry. American Airlines 
and a few of the other larger carriers 
run the FAA. The only ones who suc- 
ceed at the FAA are survivors, and I 
don't mean that in a good sense. They 
survive by covering their asses and by 
passing the buck.” 


Can you back that up? 


“When I was the chief of security, 
there was an incident where a bomb 
was found on a plane, the TWA inci- 
dent in Rome and Athens. Because of 
that I issued some emergency orders, 
orders that should have always been in 
force.” 


Such as? 


“Full bag match. It's now an option- 
al requirement adopted as part of the 
Aviation Security Bill. But no bag 
should be allowed on an airplane that 
isn't matched to a passenger unless 
that unattended bag is searched. The 
airlines say that slows them down. My 
boss told me, “Don't issue any more 
emergency rules unless we get a con- 
sensus from the airlines.” And things 
haven't changed. The FAA is direct- 
ly accountable for what happened on 
September 11. The administrator says 
what happened was unforeseen and 
no one could have anticipated the dam- 
age or the loss of life. But the penetra- 
tion through the security system was 
low-tech. The hijackers successfully hi- 


jacked four airplanes. They went 4-0 


and we went 0-4. It's inexcusable. 
Why isn’t anyone calling for the head 
of the FAA to resign? Why aren't we 
more upset about this?” 


Are you looking 
for a scapegoat? 

“No. I'm looking for accountability 
and responsibility. The FAA was sup- 
posed to prevent such a low-tech inva- 
sion. But because they are subservient 
to the airline industry, they don't take 
adequate security measures. The air- 
lines are in business to make money, 
and anything that slows down the 
boarding of flights means a potential 
loss of revenue. That's why the FAA 
isn't more security conscious. That's 
why they had the security taken away 
from them.” 


Are you satisfied with 
what was done in Congress 
for uirline security? 


“No. I would have been satisfied if 
the responsibility of airline security 
had been given to the Justice Depart- 
ment. But it’s still in the hands of the 
Department of Transportation, and 
they as much as the FAA are under the 
influence of the airlines. It's my worst 
fear being re: y 


d. 


When we spoke with the FAA, 
they said you're not being en- 
tirely There hasn't been a 
major hijacking in this country 
in, what, the lust eight years? 
“Not since 1992. But in any security 
assessment you have to examine your 
enemy's capability and intent. During 
the last 10 years cur enemies didn't in- 
tend to hijack an airplane. Obviously 
they had the capability and once they 
had the intent, they accomplished 
their goal. They were 100 percent 
successful." 


What do you want to see? 


"Any good safety system is multilay- 
ered and interdependent. It isn't just 
one thing or just another. It's making 
sure unattended bags are searched. 
It's profiling. It's passenger metal-de- 
tector screening. But first it's getting 
the right people, giving them the right 
training and management. We've be- 
come too dependent on technology as 
well. We need good people first, and 
then have the technology serve them, 
not the other way around. Most of all, 
airlines should not be consulted until 
after initial security assessments are 
done. Right now any time security en- 


hancements are done—or any time the 
FAA considers security changes—the 
rlines are involved. They exert their 
influence and you end up with securi- 
ty compromises. The FAA should pro- 
vide security assessments and go Lo the 
airlines for input during the imple- 
mentation process. The system has 
been upside down for years. The air- 
lines cannot have first say when it 
comes to security. They're in the busi- 
ness to make money. There are a lot of 
feel-good rules that give the appear- 
ance of safety but in fact provide no 
additional security. It won't change, 
because of the way the FAA is run and 
the fact that the airlines buy the politi- 
cians. The FAA technical people, who 
are very good, recommend needed 
changes and they go unheeded by top 
management.” 


What do you think are the 
worst errors the FAA has made 
in the last 20 years? 


“Well, September 11 is at the top. 
The Alaska Airlines disaster is up 
there, as is Valujet. The failure to іт- 
plement the full bag match and search 
that І instituted as an emergency рго- 
cedure in the Eighties is a grievous ег- 
ror. So is the failure to actually catch 
anyone through profiling. The biggest 
tragedy is that the FAA isn't going to 
prevent other disasters—but could if 
they did their jobs right. They've had 
the security yanked from them, so 
now that’s moot. Before September 
11, knives with four-inch blades or 
smaller were allowed on airplanes. 
Why? We knew terrorism was on the 
rise. We were complacent. Now we ar- 
gue about stun guns in the cockpit, or 
guns and beefing up bulkheads. This 
should have been done years ago.” 


What would you do differently? 


“You can't put enough sky marshals 
in the air or on airplanes to make 
them all totally safe. As you can tell, no. 
one ran into a sky marshal on Septem- 
ber 11. But we can provide training 
to pilots, arm them and give them 
closed-circuit cameras in the cockpits 
to monitor the passenger cabins. We 
can also train other law enforcement 
to act as sky marshals when they travel 
on business or for pleasure. And you 
can bulletproof the cockpit so the pilot 
can maintain control of the airplane 
and land it safely.” 


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move, two months after the bill’s pas- 
sage. The agency softened the require- 
ment that screeners have high school 
diplomas. Now, anyone with a year's ex- 
perience as a baggage screener can al- 
so apply. 

Perhaps if this were any other agency 
dealing with any other problem, some 
concessions could be made. But can we 
ever trust these bureaucrats again? Five 
years ago Congress demanded certifica- 
tion for all baggage screeners. The FAA 
never implemented the rules. When the 
inspector general of the DOT discovered 
in 2000 that FAA regulations governing 
background checks ofall airport workers 
were weak and consistently ignored, the 
FAA required criminal checks—but gave 
airports until the end of 2003 to comply. 
And a 2001 audit found that oversight of 
cargo in passenger planes was still lax, 
despite regulations passed since the Val- 
ujet crash. 

In a way, people like shoc bomber 
Richard Reid and Subash Gurung (the 
unemployed man from Nepal who 
slipped past a security checkpoint in 
Chicago with five knives, a stun gun and 
a can of pepper spray before airline em- 
ployees found his weapons at the gate) 
keep Americans from developing a false 
sense of security. They demonstrate how. 
porous our defenses continue to be, de- 
spite the assurances of people like FAA 
spokesperson Bill Schuman. "Early on, 
the FAA took a pivotal role in promoting 
the airlines, but that changed from 1994 
through 1996," says Schuman. “Now we 
are clearly about safety and regulation 
We are not saddled with any new re- 
sponsibilities, but we have been inundat- 
ed since September 11. How we operate 
has changed, but we can handle it. 1 feel 
perfectly safe in a commercial airliner 
today. It's probably safer than at any oth- 
er time in our history.” 

We will never be safe as long as the 
FAA answers to Congress, and Congress 
continues to accept huge campaign con- 
tributions from airlines. Apologists point 
to the low fatality rate per millions of 
travelers as evidence that the system is 
safe. American air travel is among the 
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of the 110 says something should have 
happened, but the expensive lawyers 
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WIRED 

Page 39: “Be а PC Radio Pi- 
rate": Hardware by PCS 
Electronics, pcs-electronies. 
com. Broadcaster kit by 
Ramsey Electronics, 800-446- 
2295. “Iris Security”: ID 
system from EyeTicket, eye 
ticket.com. “Game of the 
Month”: Software by Info- 
grames, infogrames.com. 
"wild Thing": PDA by Dan- 
ger, dangercom. 


MANTRACK 

Page 49: Amberley Castle, amberleycastle. 
co.uk. Car by Hyundai, hyundai.com. Page 
50: “Thrill of the Grill”: At bookstores. 
“Guys Are Talking About”: Book from Me- 
Graw Hill, 800-262-4729. Cigars at cigar 
retailers. Tanning at Hollywood Tans, 877- 
826-7123 or hollywoodtan.com. 


CALL OF THE WILD 

Page 90: Tuxedo by Hugo Boss, 800-HUGO- 
BOSS. Shirt by Paul Smith, 212-627-9770. 
Tie by Donna Karan, 866-240-4700. Shoes 
by Rockport, rockport.com. Dress by MoMo 
FaLana, 212-979-9595. Her jewelry by 
Jose and Maria Barrera, 212-302-8480. Her 
shoes by Giuseppe Zanolti Design, 212-650- 
0455. Page 91: Jacket, shirt and jeans by 
DKNY, 800-231-0884. Shirt by Dolce & Gab- 
bana, 212-249-4100. Pants by Chrome Hearts, 
919-397-0707. Her jacket by Andrew Marc, 
andrewmarc.com. Chaps by Harley-David- 
son, harley-davidson.com. Tank top by Die- 
sel, diesel.com. Suede jacket by Chrome 
Hearts, 212-397-0707. Page 99: Smoking 
jacket by Paul Stuart, paulstuart.com. Shirt 
by Donna Karan, 866-240-4700. Jeans by 
Diesel, diesel.com. Jewelry by Chrome Hearts, 
212-327-0707. Her jacket by Fernando 
Sanchez, fernandosanchez.com. 
by La Perla, laperla.com. Her jewelry by 
Jose and Maria Berrera, 919-302-8480. Page 
93: Shirt by Iceberg, 212-249-5412. Jeans 
by John Barilett, 212-647-9409. Shirt from 
What Comes Around Goes Around, 212-343- 
9303. Jeans by Tommy Jeans, 800-865-6922. 
T-shirt, jeans, her top and wrap by Dolce & 
Gabbana, 212-249-4100. Belt and cuffs by 
Buffalo Chips, 919-695-8400. 


DADS AND GRADS 

Pages 112-113: “Dads”: 
Scotch by Talisker, at liquor 
stores. Cigars by La Perla 
Habana, 888-441-9447. 
Ashtray from Up Down To- 
bacco, 800-587-5696. Knife 
set by Zwilling J.A. Henckels, 
914-747-0300. Clock radio 
by Proton, 562-404-2299. 
Camcorder and camera by 
Panasonic, 800-211-7262. 
Robot from Sharper Image, 
sharperimage.com. Glass 
by Glencairn, from Malt Advocate, 800-610- 
6258. Flask from Mulholland Brothers, mul 
hollandbrothers.com. РС by ViewSonic, 
800-888-8583. Puzzle by 21st Software, 
9 Istsoftware.com. Golf club by Nike, 800- 
352-6453. Pages 114-115: “Grads”: Re- 
mote-controlled truck by Tamiya, 800-826- 
4922. Flask by Mulholland Brothers, mulhol 
landbrothers.com. Sunglasses by Nike, 
from Sunglasshut, sunglasshut.com. DVD 
player by Pioneer, 800-746-6337. PC by Au- 
diovox, 800-229-1235. Cell phone by 
Motorola, 800-331-6456. Pocketknife by 
William Henry, 888-563-4500. CD player 
by JVC, 800 596 5308. Grappa and humi- 
dor by Nonino, imported by Paterno Im- 
ports, 800-950-7676. Glass by Reidel, from 
Sam's, samswine.com. 


SHACK UP 

Pages 126-128: Cedar Creek Treehouse, ce 
darcreckireehouse.com. Safari Wes! Wild- 
life Preserve and Tent Camp, 800-616-2695. 
Madonna Inn, 800-543-9666. Viva Las Ve- 
gas Villas, 800-574-4450. Shady Dell RV 
Park and Campground, 520-432-3567. Koko- 
pelli's Cave Bed and Breakfast, 505-326- 
2461. Elvis Presley's Heartbreak Hotel, 800- 
238-2000. Chelsea Star Hotel, starhotelny. 
com. Ice Hotel Quebec-Ganada, icchotcl- 
canada.com. Jules’ Undersea Lodge, jul.com. 
Déjà Vu Resort, 877-872-9339. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 173: CD burners: By Yamaha, yama 
ha.com. By TDK, tdk.com. Shelf system 
by Sharp. 800-937-4277. DVD burners: By 
Philips, 800-531-0039. By Pioneer, 800- 
746-6337. 


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the bellies of passenger planes. The 
chances of being caught are minuscule. 
And eyen 3r they are caught, it's a slap on 
the wrist. 

Despite it all, Congress continues to 
do the airlines’ bidding—witness the re- 
cent $15 billion bailout that benefited 
airline executives and investors, but not 
the 80,000 laid-off airline workers. The 
air transportation industry has fueled 
political campaigns with millions of dol- 
lars in contributions. In the interim, the 
airline lobby squashed a passenger's bill 
of rights. Now American taxpayers are, 
in effect, paying the airlines twice for the 
privilege of traveling on them—once in 
the form of the bailout, and again with 
higher ticket prices. For all that, you'd. 
think they'd treat us nicer. But when 
time came to cut the check, customer sat- 
isfaction, performance and fiscal vial 
ty took a rear-row seat to political influ- 
ence. American Airlines—bothered by 
reams of safety violations, and six fatal 
accidents since 1994 (excluding Septem- 
ber 11 and after)—received $583 million 
in cash (never to be paid back) as part 
of its almost $1 billion deal. Northwest 
also received loan guarantees and cash 
grants of nearly $1 billion. Interestingly, 
American and Northwest were repre- 
sented by lobbyist Linda Daschle, wife of 
Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle. 
(Northwest was the second-largest cam- 
paign contributor to Tom Daschle in 
1998.) L-3 International, a manufactur- 
er of luggage scanners, was another of 
Linda Daschle's clients. In the 2000 trans- 
portation budget, L-3 had a sweetheart 
deal with the FAA. The administration 
was required to buy an L-3 machine— 
which the DOT's inspector general has 
deemed substandard—every time that it 
bought another type of scanner. Many 
L-3 machines were so bad they were 
not used. The arrangement is partly to 
blame for the DOT’s failure to install 
bomb-scanning devices for many years. 

Linda Daschle was hardly alone. When 
the airlines descended into Washington 
for a quick fix—and limitation of liabili- 
ty for September 11—their lobbyists in- 
cluded ex-White House aides, retired 
senators and representatives, a former 
chairman of the Republican National 
Committee, and Rebecca Cox, wife of 
Representative Christopher Cox (R-Cal.). 
While some financial analysts pointed 
out that the bailout mostly helped 
holders and would prop up 
ficient companies, politicia 
a return to business as usual. 
a cash-flow industry,” s 
the House Dennis Hastert. “We have to 
make sure America keeps flying.” 

You first, Mr. Hastert. 


BATTLE (ein 


Games and movies are now essential tools for training 
soldiers. Every service is entering the virtual world. 


re-create them. The detonations, the way 
that guys shoot and get shot, the depic- 
tion of wounds are all incredibly real- 
istic. Hollywood has always been great at 
gratuitous violence, but it's gone from 
gratuitous to realistic.” 

Black Hawk Down's title stems from 
the moment when a Somali tiaman 
brings down a multimillion-dollar Black 
Hawk helicopter with a hundred-dollar 
RPG. The bulbous, mushroom-shaped 
dart streaks skyward and detonates in the 
tail rotor, and the helicopter goes into a 
death spiral. Cutting between scenes 
side the spinning Black Hawk—soldiers 
screaming and barely holding on for 
their lives—are external shots of gravi- 
ty yanking the helicopter down into the 
streets. 

“It was a combination of shots using 
the real-size model and three-dimen- 
sional computer graphics,” says Pietro 
Scalia, film editor of Black Hawk Down. A 
Black Hawk mock-up was dropped from 
a crane to simulate the crash. But be- 
cause the enormous model had to be 
dropped flat instead of in a full spin, 
Scalia was challenged to design comput- 
er-generated effects that would blend 
seamlessly with the real helo impact. “It 
was pretty complex. The rocket hitting 
the tail is three-dimensional, then we 
have a real shot of the pilots inside the 
mock-up hanging from the crane, then 
we have aerial shots of a real helicopter 
spinning. We sped up the footage to get 
it cwirling faster, then got a point-of-view 
shot from the ground with some CG 
smoke added, then another internal shot 
with the Delta Force soldier photo- 
graphed against a blue screen. We put 
the spinning city behind him later.” 

And Scalia was only halfway home at 
this point, further employing a CGI tool 
kit to cut between the computer-gener- 
ated helicopter and the real thing until 
the latter slammed to the ground and 
sprayed dirt all over a remote-controlled 
camera—and, it seemed, over those of us 
in our seats. 


GAMERS JOIN TH 


Powerful computer design tools have 
meant commensurate gains for video 
war simulations. By the late Nineties the 
efforts of the Department of Defense— 
which had been building big war simula- 
tors since the Forties—had been overtak- 
en by video game designers. Because of 
their penchant for games with conflict, 
designers have always produced military 
scenarios. With the explosion in Sili- 
con Valley, however, civilian simulations 


FIGHT 


available on the shelves were suddenly 
superior to some Defense Department 
simulations marked SECRET. 

“Military training officers approached 
us all the time,” says Brian Upton, chief 
game designer for Red Storm Entertain- 
ment, a North Carolina-based video 
game company that includes Tom Clan- 
cy on its list of founders. “But in the end 
they didn't have the budget to partici- 
pate.” So the gamers charged ahead with 
the new reality. 

How good are they? I tried Upton's 
newest game, Ghost Recon, and Elec- 
tronic Arts’ latest offering, Medal of Hon- 
or Allied Assault. In Recon, you are in 
control of an elite American Special 
Forces unit on a peacekeeping mission 
in 2008 that goes awry. Unlike earli- 
er games such as Beach Head 2000— 
termed “first-person shooters” because 
the object is to point your weapon and 
destroy everything on-screen—the key to 
Recon isn't controlling yourself. It's con- 
trolling others. During a mission, even 
in the midst of a firefight, you can send 
orders to your platoon by calling up a 
command interface. New computer en- 
gines allow game designers like Upton to 
program characters with artificial intelli- 
gence so they act and think somewhat in- 
dependently; once tasked, AI takes over 
and your virtual teammates moye out on 


their own. “The great thing for the mili- 
tary is that we can create many tactical 
situations. If you want to teach someone 
to shoot a gun, go to the range. But we 
add value by creating scenarios. We can 
throw people into tactical situations,” 
says Upton. 

Indeed, in Recon you can walk your 
team into Moscow's Red Square, where 
you'll find a virtual replica, complete 
with accurate maps and scenes digitized 
from photographs shot only months ear- 
lier. Powerful design tools and faster 
speed in personal computers have made 
dreams credible. “Three-dimensional 
modeling and lighting have come so far,” 
says Upton. “Subtle shadows, real I 
ing, actual scenes from streets. It ba: 
ly lets the artists do whatever they wan 
“The same technology that was used to 
produce fake helicopters is now produc- 
ing entire worlds. 

Steve Townsend is a producer of Med- 
al of Honor, a game inspired by Steven 
Spielberg. “The important advancement 
in technology is the increased central 
processing unit speeds and better video 
cards for computers,” Townsend said. 
“The draw to consumers is that every- 
thing looks more realistic. The technolo- 
gy allows artists and engineers to now 
express that which they only dreamed 
about less than a decade ago.” 

Medal of Honor is a World War 11 
game that boasts powerful cinematic 
graphics and combat scenarios modeled 
from history. You play an Army Ranger 
who fights in several battles in the Euro- 
pean theater. The terrain, weapons and 
equipment look realistic, and the sound 
is extraordinary; this is a millennium 


“Tf anyone knows what women want, he does. 
He’s a divorce lawyer.” 


161 


PLAYBOY 


162 


removed from the beeps of Atari's Pong. 

Perhaps the best effect in these games 
is how fluidly the virtual soldiers move. 
They perform immediate action drills 
like teams trained under fire, down to 
proper weapons carriage, firing stances 
and frantic searches for cover when am- 
bushed. Motion-capture technology is 
responsible for much of this detail. Ac- 
tors don black bodysuits sprinkled with 
pieces of foam encased in reflective coat- 
ings, and then they run through thi 
“moves,” as Upton refers to them, while 
six cameras capture the motion in 3D 
space and digitize it. “We use real sol- 
d instead of hand animators. The sol- 
diers fall down. They raise their weap- 
ons. They run. They dive.” 


COUNTERATTACK BY THE ARTISTS: 


Although CGI has given directors new 
technological prowess, they still have to 
work with actors who are closely scruti- 
nized for their reactions to each other 
and the cinematic world around them. 
“Real physical effects are the key,” Sem- 
ler says. “If you want to simulate a bat- 
tle, all hell needs to break loose in 360 
degrees, and you need to include your 
principal actors in it so they're really re- 
acting.” Realistic war films employ a 
minimum of CGI around the actors so 
they can experience actual fear and 
waves of adrenaline. “With real gunfire, 
actors perform differently,” says Black 
Hawk's Scalia. “It's better to create as 


“George, stop doing that!” 


much as you can physically. Sometimes 
you add gunfire just so actors have to 
scream to be heard.” 

The object, then, is to make the actors 
feel like they are on the receiving end of 
an onslaught. The effects team in Private 
Ryan used a series of air cannons buried 
in the sand and placed below the surface 
of the water to keep the terrain stitched 
with bullets. The Black Hawk team plant- 
ed several tons of explosives in the 
ground and walls, and detonated them 
within yards of the actors. Says Semler of 
We Were Soldiers: “Most physical effects 
are real. Fifteen tons of explosives are 
real. The napalm boiling just behind the 
tail of that airplane is real.” 

Beyond physical effects, filmmakers 
have experimented with a variety of 
camera shots—new ideas and some old 
tricks—to complement CGI capabilities 
and bolster realism. The jerky hand- 
held camera work in Private Ryan and 
Black Hawk Down yanks the viewer into 
the microterrain. With blood spraying 
camera lenses, the films smack of docu- 
mentaries; the unsettling effect is that 
you are among the beleaguered soldiers. 
Says Scalia: “We even had some un- 
manned ‘crash cameras’ set up near big 
explosions.” The long lenses used іп We 
Were Soldiers, on the other hand, provide 
depth of field for a fight that raged on 
the battalion level. The soldier 50 meters 
down the line is as clear as the one next 
to the camera. “That way the people 
aren't portrayed as beautiful,” says Sem- 
ler, “but the shots are. When napalm 
erupts behind North Vietnamese army 
soldiers who are running, the explosion 
looks like it's right behind them.” 


THE ADVISORS. 


Combat correspondent Galloway is 
careful to note that technology and cam- 
era wizardry do not solely account for 
the reality. "It's true that the technical 
caps of 10 or 20 years ago are no lon- 
ger there,” Galloway says. "It's also true 
that there’s a willingness to cleave more 
closely to the bone in terms of what is 
shown. It’s brutal and realistic. But you 
can't forget the taining of the actors—it 
ought to be a prerequisite.” 

Retired Marine Captain Dale Dye, Hol- 
lywood's top military advisor, is largely 
responsible for making thespians more 
closely resemble warriors. Thanks to 
Dye and other advisors, actors have the 
chance to tread in the boots of the in- 
fantrymen, to gain understanding and 
appreciation for the men they are por- 
traying. Advisors also aid filmmakers 
with everything from the script to the 
set. “We rarely did anything without the 
advice of our military advisors," says 
Semler. 

The advisors' contributions were not 
always so cagerly embraced. "Prior to Pla- 
toon," Dye recalls, "the military advisor 


on movie sets was reactive rather than 
proactive. He was considered a simple 
soldier and nota filmmaker. He was gen- 
erally asked to speak only when spo- 
ken to, and even then was generally ig- 
nored. That changed when Oliver Stone 
and Arnold Kopelson invited me to be- 
come involved in all aspects of making 
Platoon.” 

Spielberg cemented the importance of 
the military advisor when he commis- 
sioned Dye to design the notorious “boot 
camp for actors” on the set of Saving Pri- 
vale Ryan. Today, it seems that every war 
film mandates preproduction military 
training for its actors, who then swap 
stories from “boot.” Some even compare 
training from different films, miniature 
versions of interservice rivalries. Dye 
and his crew loaded down Tom Hanks 
and other actors with 40-pound packs, 
sending them on forced marches. For- 
mer Seal Harry Humphries and a slew 
of soldiers taught Josh Hartnett and oth- 
ers how to shoulder their weapons and 
break their triggers in Black Hawk Down. 
Rangers drilled Mel Gibson for We Were 
Soldiers. And Randall Wallace, director of 
We Were Soldiers, may have set a prece- 
dent when he offered up his body to Rang- 
er School sergeants for two weeks. 

“Randy learned a lot, and I think it 
shows,” says Galloway. As for the actors 
in Wallace's film, “They had their asses 
up at 5:30 doing push-ups and PT. They 
even did the obstacle course for gradua- 
tion. It was good stuff.” 

Does this immersion bring about bet- 
ter performances? “It actually helped 
me feel more authentic—not like a com- 
plete fraud putting on a uniform,” said 
Ben Affleck of his week of training pri- 
or to making Pearl Harbor. Filmmak- 
ers agree. “It’s classic dramatic prepara- 
tion,” says Semler. “We had no wussies in 
our group of actors.” It's this coaching, 
then, that’s responsible for the other half 
of the modern war film’s realism; ad- 
vances in CGI and raw filmmaking inge- 
nuity have created a far more realistic 
battleground, and the military advisors 
have helped put close approximations of 
real warriors on-screen. 

“These days, military experience is as 
foreign to most people—especially ac- 
tors—as is a trip to Mars or Venus,” Dye 
observes. “They have no frame of refer- 
ence—other than the last war movie they 
saw—so they fall back on stereotypes 
and dichés when they are asked to por- 
tray soldiers. And there's more to it than 
physicality. I want actors to understand 
what's going on in a soldier's mind and 
heart, so I spend a lot of time getting to 
those issues. Most good actors find that 
particularly valuable.” 

Even video gamers have caught on. 
The Recon crew visited soldiers at Fort 
Bragg for advice. The developers of 
Medal of Honor Allied Assault not only 


hired Dye to serve as the primary techni- 
cal advisor on the video game but also 
subjected themselves to one of his gru- 
eling wannabe-grunt training sessions. 

“To start with,” Townsend recalls, “we all 
went through his crash course in field 
tactics—weapons abilities and various 
attack formations. We put this into prac- 
tice on a huge paint ball course. Al- 
though the gumball-sized pellets only 
stung on impact, the training was in- 
tense. Even some of the simpler concepts 
we learned, like staying low when mov- 
ing past an open window and trying to 
stay with our squad, had a big impact 
on the way the levels in the game were 
designed.” 


THE MILITARY TAKES NOTICE 


Once routinely discouraged during 
training time because they were consid- 
ered to be mind-numbing distractions, 
video games and war movies are now es- 
sential tools for training soldiers in rapid 
decision making. Every service is enter- 
ing the virtual world. The Marine Corps 
has fielded an infantry training simula- 
tion called the Combat Deci 


Air Force, in addition to all its ‘video 
flight training, has sponsored a national 
video game contest to recruit gamers. 
"The Navy is experimenting with Micro- 
soft's popular flight simulator in its flight 
school. And the Army has taken perhaps 
the boldest step: In 1999 it invested $45 
million with the University of Southern 
California to develop state-of-the-art 
training simulations through an entity 
that’s called the Institute for Creative 
Technologies. 

According to Cathy Kominos, then 
deputy director of Army research, quot- 
ed in the Los Angeles Times, the Army 
chose USC in part “because of its close 


ties with Hollywood.” On the ICT staff 


are the co-author of Apocalypse Now and 
the director of Big Top Pee-uee and Grease. 
In addition to large-scale simulators, 
ICT plans to launch two video games, 
G-Force and CS-12, which will be avail- 
able to both troops and civilians. The 
games will be produced by Rob Sears, 
the man responsible for the civilian ro- 
bot war game MechWarrior 3. And these 
artists aren't just designing games; 
they're training our soldiers. 

In October 2001, ICT announced that 
“the Army and USC's ICT have worked 
together to coordinate ongoing discus- 
sions with some of Hollywood's top tal- 
ent” concerning the nation’s war on ter- 
ror. Who are these new Army advisors? 
They included Spike Jonze, the director 
of Being John Malkovich, and David 
Fincher, director of Fight Club. Has the 
Army overreached? 

“The problem with paying creative 
people in Hollywood to help you with 
concepts in the video production arena 


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is that Hollywood has no idea how the 
military works. I think our military has 
talented, creative people who can—and 
should—be the ones who are consulted,” 
says Dye. 

Meanwhile, there is no argument that 
realistic video simulations and movies 
like Black Hawk Down are valuable train- 
ing tools. All services would prefer live- 
fire exercises to simulations but they 
simply can't afford it. (The Marines have 
already fielded some 60 Combat Deci- 
sion Range vignettes and add five sce- 
narios a year for less than $500,000.) In 
1997, General Charles Krulak, Com- 
mandant of the Marine Corps, reversed 
the policy that discouraged Marines 
from playing games on government 
computers to allow for what was, at the 
time, a radical new training method: us- 
ing video games as decision-making 
tools. In his order to all Marines, Krulak 
stated: “The use of technological innova- 
tions, such as PC-based war games, pro- 


vides great potential for Marines to de- 
velop decision-making skills, particularly 
when live training time and opportuni- 
ties are limited. This order authorizes 
Marines to use government computers 
for approved PC-based games.” 

So the senior leadership is convinced. 
What about the target audience of these 
new training tools, the young soldiers 
who have grown up on a steady diet of 
video games and movies? They have 
known all along. Says Corporal John 
Howard, after fighting a virtual Three 
Block War (feeding refugees, then duck- 
ing snipers, then a full firefight) on the 
Combat Decision Range: “This is good 
to go. Marines don't know what stress is, 
what pressure is. Games force them to 
make decisions. They're not all right, but 
they've got to make things happen. This 
is as realistic as we can get without put- 
ting rounds downrange.” 


“Would you mind filling out this questionnaire? Your feedback 
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CURT SCHILLING 


(continued from page 74) 
the ball into the ground. 
SCHILLING: It’s like Pedro Martinez says— 
you don’t get great hitters out with 
strikes. You get them out with balls that 
look like strikes. 
PLAYBOY: For you, that seems to get easi- 
er every year. 
SCHILLING: There are more and more 
young, aggressive hitters every year. 
They don’t want to hit a single on the 
first pitch. They want to hit homers. A 
guy like that, you throw fastballs away. 
He tries to pull the ball and grounds it to 
the shortstop if he makes contact. 
PLAYBOY: Jeter is a tougher out? 
SCHILLING: My approach with Derek Je- 
ter was based on what Tim Hudson did 
to him in the American League playoffs. 
Hudson pounded him inside and abused 
him. Jeter never adjusted. So look at 
this—game four. I'm pounding him in- 
side and he isn't adjusting! 
PLAYBOY: You just jammed him. He hit a 
looper for an infield out. 
SCHILLING: He wanted the ball farther 
out. He stayed with his tendency, which 
is what hitters do, You try to use their 
tendencies against them. Of course, 
good hitters will adjust, and then you ad- 
just to their adjustments. 
PLAYBOY: Are there hitters you admire? 
SCHILLING: Jeter's a winner. 1 loved the 
way Cal Ripken played. Scott Rolen, too. 
PLAYBOY: You'ye been active in the play- 
ers’ union. What's your view of major 
league owners? 
SCHILLING: I’m amazed that people so 
wealthy can keep getting such horrid le- 
gal advice, and that they keep follow- 
ing it. 
PLAYBOY: Their latest idea was contrac- 
tion—eliminating two ballclubs. 
SCHILLING: How can they keep making 
stupid decisions that damage the sport? 
How can they keep washing the players? 
That's like a retailer saying, “Hey, our 
product sucks and it's overpriced, but 
please buy it.” And with a former owner 
as commissioner, you have a huge con- 
flict of interest. 
PLAYBOY: You're not a Bud Selig fan. 
SCHILUNG: Bud Selig doesn’t care more 
about baseball than I do. This game is 
my life. I've played baseball since 1 was 
four. From a personal standpoint, I have 
more invested in the game than he'll ev- 
er dream of having. 
PLAYBOY: Is it annoying when fans say 
you're overpaid? 
SCHILLING: Yes! They seem to think that 
because we make so much money, we 
can't have values or opinions. We should 
just be grateful for the money. Of course 
preposterous for me to make $9.9 
million more than my son's first-grade 
teacher. That's our system. A movie star 
can make twice as much to entertain you 
for two hours. 
PLAYBOY: When a guy makes $10 million 


a year, what's the number on his biweek- 
ly check? 

SCHILLING: It’s direct deposit, but 1 see 
the number. It’s six figures. I'm making 
$10 million this year, plus incentives, but 
I deferred some of it. ГІЇ actually get half 
of that this I chose to get paid year- 
round, so it's $5 million divided by 26. 
That's about $200,000, minus taxes, ev- 
ery two weeks. 

PLAYBOY: What's your biggest indulgence? 
SCHILLING: I'm a model railroader, war- 
game player, computer nerd and memo- 
rabilia collector. I bought a 1927 Lou 
Gehrig jersey and the hat he wore in the 
1927 World Series. 1 also collect World 
War II stuff—small infantry weapons, 
light machine guns. I have a garage full 
of ordnance. All the guys at my war- 
game company, Multi-Man Publishing, 
are World War II geeks, so I take any 
new stuff over to show them. Wouldn't it 
be funny if 1 got pulled over with a car 
full of weapons and ordnance? That's 
the lead story on Sports Center that night 
PLAYBOY: What's your best military item? 
SCHILLING: I've got the beret that Mont- 
gomery wore in North Africa, though 
I'm пої a big Montgomery fan. I don't 
think he was a great tactician, not a ge- 
nius like Rommel, and I'm a Patton fan, 
too. Patton and Montgomery didn't like 
each other. Still, it’s a fascinating piece. 
I have German and Russian uniforms, 
and some eerie stuff like an S.S. presen- 


tation dagger. When you joined the S.S 
they gave you a dagger with a chain 
around the hilt, and the chain links are 
death's-heads. 

PLAYBOY: During the World Series, you 
spoke to rescue workers at ground zero. 
Some firemen handed you their cell 
phones so their kids could talk to you. 
SCHILLING: Those guys are the heroes. I 
was so moved that their children could 
get a smile because of me. That's power- 
ful stuff. And it was funny, because those 
kids were real New Yorkers. First off, ev- 
ery onc of them called bullshit on mc: 
“You're not Curt Schilling!" I'd finally 
convince them and say I was sorry we 
were going to beat the Yankees. They'd 
say, "No way. They'll kick your ass!” Or 
if they were Mets fans it was, “Beat the 
crap out of the Yankees!" 

PLAYBOY: You met President Bush at the 
Series, where he threw out a ceremonial 
fastball. 

SCHILLING: He threw a good, strong 
strike—with a bulletproof vest on. 1 
don't think I could do that. 

PLAYBOY: Did you vote for him? 
SCHILLING: No, I didn’t. But I would 
now. I also like the people Bush relies 
on—Rumsfeld, Cheney and Powell. 1 
would vote for Colin Powell for presi- 
dent in a heartbeat. 

PLAYBOY: You're a serious military history 
buff. Is the war on terror winnable? 
SCHILLING: I think we'll end up in Iraq. 


What's scary is that we are fighting peo- 
ple who want to die for their religion. In 
a holy war, there's no out-of-bounds 
Chemical weapons, nuclear weapons— 
that's what worries me. 

PLAYBOY: You were supposed to pitch on 
September 11th. 

SCHILLING: Shonda woke me up that 
morning. We saw the second plane live 
on TV. Gehrig watched it, too. That 
might have been a mistake, letting him 
watch with us. Iwo weeks later be came 
home from school with an art project, a 
picture оба plane kiting a building, with 
fire and graves. Shonda started welling 
up. So I sat down with Gehrig and we 
talked about it. We talked about good 
guys and bad guys, and he’s fine. Gehrig 
is life incarnate. That kid's a pistol. I'll 
give you a Gehrig story: One day we're 
ina parking lot in Philly. 1 had taken him 
on one of my hospital visits. So we walk 
in front of a wuck and the driver starts 
honking his horn, yelling and making 
hand signals at me. I said, “Don't you 
blare your fucking horn at me—I got my 
son here!” As we walk away, Gehrig says, 
“Why did you yell? You told me that 
when people are mean, you should just 
turn away.” 1 knew he was right. But 
then he said, “It's ОК, Dad. Big people 
make mistakes, too.” My chest is still 
swelling with pride. 


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PLAYBOY 


166 


2 
92 JOUE (continued from page 88) 


ГЇЇ admit it: It bothered me that she could get jazzed 
up about something as boring as radiators. 


Later she wrote me a letter. She talked 
about the horses and buggies. None of 
the clothing can have decorative but- 
tons, she explained; such things are a 
sign of pride and showing off. 1 imag- 
ined her walking amid the picturesque 
rolling fields wearing a shirt that swung 
open with each breeze, her modest 
breasts exposed accidentally. I felt a little 
perverted for thinking about an Amish 
person like that. 

Jesse. 

She hated her name. She said, "It's a 
fucking guy's name" (this was before the 
crossover thing was deemed cool). She 
had concluded, simply from her name, 
that her parents had wanted a boy and 
didn't love her, that every time they 
looked at her they were disappointed 
she couldn't play football or have a deep. 
voice or pass on their name. My dad 
never asked me to help with home-im- 
provement projects, she recalled. I could 
have, she said. All he needed to do was 
show me how. 

She harbored too much bitterness, 
which was no good because I always 
need to be the one harboring bitterness. 
It doesn't work when there are two of 
us—it's like we're both on the same 
doomed team. 


Amy 

Amy was an industrial designer who 
specialized in radiators. I'm not talk- 
ing baseboard units spanning the foot 
of a wall or the heaving, clanking things 
parked in the corners of bedrooms. She 
designed heating systems for office 
buildings and factories. She talked about 
British thermal units and cubic feet and 
mean Celsius grade. R-factors and Q lev- 
els. Listening to her talk was like hearing 
a foreign language. 

Tl admit it: It bothered me that she 
could get jazzed up about something as 
boring as radiators. She didn't defend 
herself or her work with any grand theo- 
ry, no "where would we be without radi- 
ators” rationale. She was just really into 
the mechanics of heating. One night we 
were out, and she was drinking her 
beers much faster than usual. She was 
smoking, too, which was rare. I assumed 
something bad had happened to her and 
asked what was wrong. She shook her 
head. “This fucking architect,” she said, 
nearly spitting. “He wants to put radiant 
heating in the Sanders building. Radi- 
ant. Fucking. Heating. Do you know 
how much that's going to cost in heating 
bills?” 

“No.” (Do I care?) 


“Well, here we are, folks. The honeymoon suite.” 


“Tons.” She stared into her mug, then 
at the ashtray flooded with butts. 

“Goddamn architects,” she kept ге- 
peating, as if they were baby killers. 1 
excused myself to play a game of Space 
Invaders. 

Amanda 

My first older woman. (My last, too, if 
I have any control over it.) She had an 
ex-husband, and she complained about 
him incessantly. He ran off with his sec- 
retary, “a woman as dumb as a summer 
day is long,” she said. “His secretary. Hi 
didn’t even have the guts to be original.” 
She talked about him so much I started 
picturing the two of them having sex. 
Tm not in touch with myself enough to 
find this a turn-on. 

She also used the word lover a lot. 
Again, not high on the list of things that 
get me excited, In fact, it’s squarely on 
the list of things that annoy me, right up 
there with drinking the last of the milk 
and putting the carton back in the 
fridge. Why not say “boyfriend”? Maybe 
there's some law for women: You hit 35 
and get into gardening and you can't 
say “boyfriend” anymore, But you can 
have one. 

Walker 

My favorite name of all. A little mascu- 
line, but it made me think of the photog- 
rapher Walker Evans, whose pictures 1 
love. I also loved the idea of a walker, 
someone who wanders the country from 
town to town, city to city. You learn a 
lot by walking, much more than you do 
by driving. Without getting too New 
Age, it's good to have your feet on the 
ground—you can feel the pulse of the 
earth, get a little closer to finding out 
why you're here. 

We fooled around on the rooftop of 
my apartment building, two figures vast. 
and tiny amid the silhouettes of water 
towers and chimneys. We were exposed 
to all the freaks with telescopes and 
binoculars, the lonely souls who look for 
their lives in others. The tar paper 
stained and burned our legs and arms, 
but we didn't care—our bodies ordered 
us not to care. The twinkling lights and 
swirling gusts off the river made us ig- 
nore the potential surveillance and the 
bruises to come later. We ignored every- 
thing but each other and the bold magic 
of our perfect fit. 

Eve 

My only palindrome. She's the one 
who prompted this reckoning. If it 
weren't for her, | wouldn't be thinking 
about the sum total of the women who 
have drifted in and out of my life. I 
wouldn't be torturing myself with the 
acid of memory. One night she said to 
me, “You know what your problem is? 
You have no faith.” 

“Why is that a problem?” I asked. 

“Because it means you're not living for 
anything. It means there's nothing in 


the future for you. You're not looking 
for anything beyond what will amuse 
you or keep you busy in the next five 
minutes.” 

“We're breaking up, right?” 1 said. 

“Yeah.” She took a long drag off her 
cigarette. “This is the end.” 

“Because I don't believe in God?” 

“I'm not talking about religious faith,” 
she said. “I don't believe in God either, 
but I believe in something, and some 
ГЇЇ find out what iti: 

“What if you're wrong?” 1 challenged. 
“What if I do have faith in something? 
What if I'm really private, and I just 
haven't told you what it is?” 


1 was lying and she knew it. But 1 was 
feeling desperate, clawing for some way 
to persuade her to stay with me. They al- 
ways look so good when they're leaving 

“Will,” she said. 

It's never good news when they use 
your name. When you hear them say 
your name, you should excuse yourself 
to go to the bathroom, then sneak out a 
back door and disappear for a while. A 
day or two. A week if you have the guts. 
If you're lucky, by the time you next see 
her she'll have forgotten why she doesn't. 
like you—women are impulsive, they 
have a lot more on their minds than just 
you. And you can squeeze out a couple 
more days from the dying horse. 

But I didn't bolt for the bathroom. Be- 
cause she was right. And I was in love 
with her for a moment, for being so 
right. Goddamn Eve and her rough kiss- 
es and her dead-on analysis of me. 

Lindsey 

The only girl to ever stalk me. I was 
living in Virginia, and I had a Hüsker 
Dú bumper sticker on my car. 1 would 
take long aimless drives to learn the city; 
1 would get lost so I could find my way. 
1 stopped at stainless steel diners, con- 
struction sites, arid riverbanks thick with 
algae. Two consecutive days I noticed 
the same car behind me, a white Che- 
vette, making the same random turns. 

She found out where I lived, and she 
left a note in my mailbox asking me ош, 
writing her name and phone number on 
an old drugstore receipt. I suppose it's 
not really stalking in the criminal, scary, 
I'm-in-love-with-a-soap-opera-star sense 
of the word, but stalking in the sense of 
following. It’s really a question of de- 
gree, no? 

Jade 

One year I said to myself, Enough is 
enough. I’m only going out with girls 
named after rocks. 

I thought they might be more solid, 
less prone to hysteria, which is my least 
favorite quality in women. Ruby, Sap- 
phire, I even knew a Lapis, though he 
was a guy. Jade was Irish, with an accent 
so thick I understood about every fifth 


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167 


PLAYBOY 


word. I figure the accent and our ensu- 
ing miscommunication added at least a 
few weeks to the relationship. 

Despite her heritage, she was like all 
the rest. Needy and sexy and emotional 
and loving and possessed of the knowl- 
edge of how to hurt me. 

Georgia 

She was the start of my obsession with 
geographical names. | knew a bunch of 
women who were named after places— 
Dallas, Memphis, Anniston (a military 
town in Alabama). There's a porn star 
named Houston, though 1 don't know 
her personally. 

1 liked Georgia's name so much I'd 
use it as often as possible. As in, "Hey, 
Georgia, where do you want to eat to- 
night? Yes, Georgia, the Union Cafe is 
good.” 1 must have sounded like some 
car salesman, one of those guys who in- 
serts your name in every sentence be- 
cause he wants you to trust his lying ass. 

Georgia thought I was strange for us 
ing her name so much. Georgia said it 
sounded like we were strangers, not two 
people slecping with cach other. And be- 
fore long, we were just that—strangers, 


who weren't sleeping with each other. 

Cheryl 

Guitar-store Cheryl. 1 own a guitar, a 
ruby-red Gretsch with matte chrome 
hardware. It's one of the more beautiful 
things in my apartment, and I have it 
hanging on a wall in my living room like 
its a piece of art. People who come over 
ask if I play, and I shrug and mutter, “A 
little.” But I don't know how to play a 
single chord. I have a strap and an amp, 
even a distortion pedal. From time to 
time I sling the ax over my shoulder and 
finger the frets. I strum. I close my eyes 
and imagine a stage, monitors, a drum- 
mer pounding the skins behind me. 1 
hear requests, I еп! n a set list taped 
by my feet. I will never learn how to play. 

Walking into a guitar store is like en- 
tering atime capsule. Every guy has hair 
down to his shoulders, some down to 
their asses. The walls are covered with 
autographed Stevie Ray Vaughan and 
George Thorogood eight-by-tens. There's 
always a guy playing Stairway to Heaven, 
along with a kid accompanied by his 
mother, far more embarrassed than he 
needs to be, especially because she’s the 


“No, I’m not busy, but Sheldon wants me to call you back later.” 


one with the credit card. Someone is al- 
ways asking if he can “plug in.” If you're 
a girl and you work in a guitar store, it's 
hard not to look like a babe. Pretty much 
all you need to do is bathe regularly. 

Liza 

Which brings me to now. I like the 
name—short, sweet. There aren't many 
words you get to use every day that have 
а “z” in them. Plus it’s not an ostenta- 
tiously weird name like Flower or Tree. 
As alluring as those nonstandard names 
have been, more often than not they've 
been attached to nonstandard personali- 
ties. Nonstandard in the way that meant 
we loved each other with abandon for a 
few weeks, a few months when we really 
tried, then ran out of love. And then we 
ran out of sex. 

I want it to work out this time, I really 
do. I look at Liza and think I could be 
happy with her for a while, for years, for 
the rest of my life even. I look at her and 
I see the possibility of perpetual love. In 
her blue eyes, in her dirty blonde hair 
that sticks up with static whenever she 
wakes up from a nap. For a few minutes, 
while the room and the world realign 
themselves in her vision, she is complete- 
ly unself-conscious. She stares at me like 
she’s just met me, and in return I have 
permission to gaze at her. I study her 
cheeks, I look at her mouth, | finger her 
chin. I trace her earlobe, 1 thumb the 
base of her neck, the well of her collar- 
bone. I forget her name. 

We kiss, and when we break I say good 
morning, no matter what time of day 
or night it is. Eleven rm., 12 noon, she 
makes it morning over and over again. A 
tiny gesture, but it makes her smile, and 
her smile warms me. It's something I 
never planned, and it's utterly necessary 
for our happiness. 

This is what I am coming to learn. 
Love isn't in the grand outbursts like 
trips to Paris or diamond rings or mar- 
riage proposals, no matter what the jew- 
elry companies and fat romance novels 
would have us believe. It lurks in the 
nearly silent corners, spaces and mo- 
ments we take for granted. The way she 
blinks her eyes, zips her jeans. The way 
she hiccups, the way she needs to consult 
a cookbook to steam rice. І know this 
because we get into fights. I yell at her, 
or she yells at me, we each say things we 
regret. I think ГЇЇ be angry for the rest 
of the night, the rest of the week even. 
Then I'll glimpse her knee, her eyelash. 
While I'm on the porch trying to suffo- 
cate my loathing with cigarettes, ГІЇ hear 
her cough. In the kitchen I'll see a 
phone message she scrawled for me, 
pinned under a magnet on the refriger- 
ator. And I finish hating her. I forget why 
I was mad. Fuck Eve. 1 do have faith in 
something. I believe love can renew us. 


PLAY UATE SNEWS 


Playboy. “I'm inspired by the graphic 
punch of a Warhol Marilyn or a Peter 
Max Statue of Liberty. Now I have the 
luxury of exploring another arche- 
type: PLAYBOY." Victo- 


"This woman oozed sex," says 
photographer Stephen Wayda 
of Miss June 1987 


Pop art is often associated with 
Andy Warhol. But soon you'll al- 
so think of Victoria Fuller, whose 


5 a ria, who 
silk-screen prints, lush oil paint- ee Sandy Greenberg. 
ў 'Alot oftimes the 
and works ab 
all over the pore 
ibo Um tumey, but hers 
globe, was 
ACC was перше 
е simplest—just 
рї су some white 


BoM aasma sheets—because 
ture varies in Nh Sirdyit 
different parts M ү 
Sheena was real. You 
“I know movies теледі un los 
and television t F 0С жатан 
aren't real,” she EATER 
says. "But in our o ee 
Readers first 


culture, pop me- n 

à Pop noticed San- 

dia are important 5 
dy as Maxine 


influences. My een 
whole life is about a 1987 spoof Sondy (na 
about the computer-generated 
TV personality Max Headroom. 
She was such a hit, we had to 
make her a Centerfold. Last we 
heard, she was living in the Pacif- 
ic Northwest. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 


ings and mixed-media designs were 
recently shown at the Soho Fine Art 
Gallery in Las Vegas. After securing 
licensed use of the trademarked 
Playboy Rabbit Head symbol, Victo- 
ria created three series: Bunny Eti- 
quette (oil self-portraits on canvas), 
The Rabbit Head and Reflections of 


being an artist. I'm hoping to become 
one of the top pop artists in my gen- 
eration.” For more information or 
for where to purchase Victoria's art, 
e-mail americanpopllc@aol.com. 


RED-CARPET RABBITS 


All dressed up with no place to gat Na such 
thing when you're o Centerfold. Here is a 
roundup of red-carpet appearances made 
| by our girls. Clockwise fram left: Victorio 
Silvstedt ot on AX Armoni Exchange porty, 
Angel Boris at o Sundance bosh, liso Der- 
gan wilh Michael Bay of the Pearl Horbor 
premiere, Notolia Sokolovo ої а screening 
of Swordfish, Shauna Sond ot the Golden 
Globes, John Asher and Jenny МеСопіку ot 
a PlayStation 2 party and Jaime Beramon at 
o pony for the movie Bandlls 


1 remember Йаш 
McGuire from the 
Seventies. What did 
1 like аро her? 
iting. 


Great li 


i 
| 
| 


MARLENE'S SELF-PORTRAIT 


Miss November 1957 Marlene (Cal- 
lahan) Wallace, who has been 
a photographer for 
years, recently had a 
show at the Garth 
Clark Gallery on West 
57th Street. Her exhi- 
bition, called Images of 
Beato, is a photographic 
survey of renowned artist 
Beatrice Wood, who cre- 
ated art well into her 90s. 
“T try to capture the inner 
essence of my subjects,” 


"| always knew I'd make my mark at 50," says Lillian Müller. Lillian is writing 
о book abaut health, fitness and beauty ot age 50, and she should know: 
These photos were taken by Lillian’s boyfriend ond will be featured in her 
2003 calendar. You get o sneak peek. “These have not been retouched,” she 
says. "I've never had plastic surgery, Bolcx or peels. People don't believe me. 
They osk lo look behind my ears. li's a compliment.” What's her secret? “I'm 
a vegan. I've never had a drink, о cigarette or tried o drug in my life.” 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


Marlene says. Our favorite work is 
Marlene's self-portrait, shown here. 


по was a virgin when I рої it—it was 
| E e.a 1 actual- | 
| ly lost my virginity two days jr 
I've tried twice to get it removed 
by laser, but it's not easy. I've 
| heard that reds and greens are 
es colors to get out. 3 


T. Smith, Vz 
N iams and ш Mi 


HELLO, DOLORES 


Dolores Del Monte, a fan favorite 
at the many Glamourcon shows she 
attends, called fora < 
chat. “In March I 
celebrated my 70th 
birthday,” she says 
(pictured here with 
Lisa Dergan). “I'm 
the most vintage 
Playmate at Hef's 
parties. I'm enjoy- 
ing the resurgence 
of interest in the 
golden era of pin- 
ups. 1 have a broad 1 
family military һег- 
itage and would like all military read- 
ers to know that 1 offer them a dis- 
count on most of my autographed 
photos.” Find the goods on Dolores’ 
playboy.com personal page. 


ақ, 


PLAYMATE GOSSIP 


Anna Nicole Smith nearly 
got a tongue-lashing from 
Gene Simmons (below) 

when Kiss performed at 

Lane Bryant's lingerie 

show The Big Kiss. 

Other big bad runway 

babes included Carré 

Otis, Mia Tyler and Kate Dil- 
lon. . . . Ava Fabian serves as 
Bunny mother to the hopefuls 
on Who Wants to Be a Playboy Play 
mate, a two-hour special that airs 
during May sweeps. Ava posed 
for photographer Andres Serra- 
no, who plans to include a Bun- 
ny in his forthcoming American 
Icons series. . . . Stacy Fuson 
Алба appears іп а 
new commer- 

Gal for Dori- 


tos.... Layla Roberts touts beer 
in a national Miller commer- 
cial... . , Shauna Sand plays the 


lead in the cable film and possi- 


ble series Back to Eden. - Elton 
John asked Shanna Moakler to 
reteam with him and director Da- 
vid LaChapelle in another mu- 
sic video. In the last one, she por- 
trayed Dorothy Stratten. 
When musician Bebe Buell was 
profiled on ABC's 20/20 Down- 
town, host Chris Cuomo watched 
her rock out at Don Hill's in New 
York... Can't get enough of our 
girls? Pick up Playboy's Nude Play- 
mates, featuring cover girls Su- 
zanne Stokes and Shannon Stew- 
art, on newsstands now. 


Tennoksee 7, 


SOUR млан 


—oO ç%s | 


wo>Aogkojg 20005 


MTT OY 


on the scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


BURN, BABY, BURN 


e have shelves full of CDs and DVDs—and the col- don't skip and allow you to rearrange tracks, Sharp's SD-NX10 sys- 
lection keeps growing. DVD burners such as Pio- tem plays minidiscs and CDs. That way you can listen to your 


neer's Elite DVR-7000 and Philips DVDR985 can CD-R mixes and your minidiscs. — JASON BUHRMESTER 
record up to two hours of con- 4 Ч 5 
tent to discs that can be played in most DVD — Far left: To save you from 


shuffling discs while you're 
burning that killer par- 
ty compilation, Yamaha's 
CDR-HD1000 has a 20- 
gigabyte hard drive to store 
CDs ($1000). Left: TDK's 
VeloCD portable CD burn- 
ers are available in three 
speeds, including 40x— 
currently the fastest on 
the market, (Price: $150 to 
$200, depending on speed 
and connection type.) 


players and drives. But don’t try to make 
copies of DVD movies that you've rented. 
They have built-in copyright protection. For 
fast editing and compiling, Yamaha's CDR- 
HD1000 CD burner has a 20-gigabyte hard 
drive. It can store 30 CDs to make mixes. Or 
use its jukebox function to play music ran- 
domly from memory. Minidiscs sound great, 


Left: Music lovers already know how 
functional minidiscs are. Sharp's SD- 
NX10 shelf system plays liscs and 
CDs and uses a one-bit digital amp for 
clearer sound ($1800). Above left: Engi- 
neers at Philips designed the DVDR985 
to record on DVD+R and DVD+RW 
discs so they can be replayed on a wid- 
er variety of DVD players and drives 
($1000). Above: Videocassettes deteri. 
orate over time. To preserve them, Pi 
oneer's Elite DVR-7000 can burn your 
home movies to DVD-R/RW. The DVR- 
7000's digital video terminal makes 
connecting a camcorder easy. For the 
highest quality playback, the 7000 uses 
PureCinema circuitry to refresh the im- 
age twice as fast ($2000). 173 


PHOTOGRAPHY EY RICHARD I2UI 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 16 


Ша: ореуіпе 


ES 


Motion in 

the Ocean 

KEHAU LEE surís, so it's no sur- 
prise to see her in the forth- 
coming film Surf Girls. Kehau 
has said aloha from Baywatch 
Hawaii and calendar shoots. 


Fantasy Lace 
LIV TYLER shows off a little skin between Lord of 

the Rings: The Two Towers this year and next year's 

The Return of the King. The adventure fantasy 

seemed risky before the first Rings became a box- 

174 office hit. Now it seems smart. 


Going to Pot 

Comics, actors and acoustic metal geniuses Jack Black (left) and Kyle 
Gass are TENACIOUS D. It's not enough to be great musicians—you 
need great movies, too. Look for theirs in theaters, listen for Black in 
the animated Ice Age and catch their act live. 


Fit to Be Tied 


Sultry model and calendar girl (Lin- 
gerie Dream and Asian Angels) 
LELANI VECINA has appeared in 
magazines and on posters and is 
featured on the Dream Dolls web- 
site. Click on. 


Baby, One 

More Time 

Host SNL, star in Cross- 
roads, shill for Pepsi, go 
platinum times four on 
the charts, What else can 
BRITNEY do? Break out the 
grown-up duds, 


Get the 
Party 
Started 
PINK's latest CD 
is Missunda- 
ztood, but she 
isn'L From her 
hip-hop roots 
tothe 
Moulin 
Rouge 
sound- 
track to 
platinum 
CD sales, she's 
tickled—pink, 


of course. 


Beaded Babe 


Model TENNIEL GACAYAN has her fingers in many Hawaiian pots—calen- 

dars (for Hawaiian Tropic and Beautiful Women of Hawaii), the E channel's 

Wild On shows from Waikiki and regular appearances on Baywatch Hawaii. 

„Add posters and commercials, stir 
цу and you have island magic. 


MWotpourri 


176 


N GO BLOW 


Interactive Health de- 
scribes its Warm Air 
| Massager as “a mas- 
\ gro sager with a hot tem- 
” per” and we сап attest 
| that it definitely 
warmed up our mod- 
қ el (pictured here). 
| Y The Warm Air 600 
Wy unit shown features 
an LED readout, four 
speeds and a comfort- 
able rubberized grip 
The warm air flow 
can be activated with 
or without the per- 
cussive-style “tap- 
| ping” massage. The 
“hot button” deliy- 
ers a burst of even 
warmer air over 15 
square inches of your 
| body. The price: 
| about $150. A Warm 
Air 300, with fewer 
features, is also avail- 
able for around $80. 
Both are available at 
the Sharper Image, 
Brookstone and de- 
partment stores. 


A 


BOND IN BLIGHTY 


James Bond's London is а reference 
guide to the birthplace of 007 and 
his creator lan Fleming. Informa- 
tion on Fl 

favorite hot 

pubs, clubs a 

haunts is ir 

with a look at 

don homes of on- 

screen Bonds 

Sean Connery, 

Roger Moore 

and Pierce 

Brosnan. 

There's even 

a tribute to 


played the 
title role in 


FOR PINBALL 
WIZARDS 
Gary Stern, of Stern 
Pinball, who designed 
our new game (right), 
. "Playboy pinball 
as the deepest rules 
we've created yet and 
the ball flow is fantas- 
tic." The challenge 
is to collect Rabbit. 
Heads, complete a 
calendar year of 
Playmates and ex- 
perience "Mansion 
mania." Plus 
there are great 
sound effects, 
music and a sexy 
female voice 
chatting while 
you play. The 
game will soon 
be in bars and 
arcades—or 
you can or- 
der one from 
playboystore. 
com for 
$3995, plus 
shipping. 


OUT OF AFRICA 


Amarula Cream liqueur used to be the 
best-kept secret of the sub-Sahara. World- 
wide, it's the second-best-selling cream 
liqueur. Now it’s hit the States like a 
charging elephant. Pachyderms, inciden- 
tally, are crazy about the marula tree's 
fruit, the ingredient that gives the liqueur 
its distinctive chocolate, caramel and but- 
terscorch flavor. Try Amarula in а cocktail 
or coffee, or over ice cream. The price: 
about $20 for a 750 ml bottle. 


IN THE BUFF 


On CBS' Survivor series, both 
teams wear Buff headwear, 
which has seen action in ad- 
venture and bike races and 
on the slopes of the world's 
highest mountains. Polyester 
microfiber fabrics and seam- 
less construction make the 
Buff comfortable, breathable 
and resistant to wind. Plus, it 
сап be worn as a scarf, a ban- 
danna or a headband, or pi- 
rate-style. There are patterns 
galore to choose from, in- 
cluding oriental characters 
and an Old Glory motif. 
Price: $18.50 cach. Go to 
buffusa.com to get Buff. 


TICKET TO RIDE 


Tony Swan, Car and 
Driver's executive edi- 
tor and a veteran 
sports car racer, is the 
author of Retro Ride, a 
Collectors Press book 
that’s a visual history 
of American automo- 
tive advertising art 
from the Roaring 
‘Twenties to the go-go 
Sixties. What a great 
ride! Price: $39.95. 
Call 800-423-1848 or 
go to loric@collectors 
press.com to order. 


HAVE A DANDY TIME 


Oscar Wilde was the ultimate 
dandy, so it’s no surprise that 
he’s frequently quoted in 
Trafalgar Square's hardcover, 
How to Be a Complete Dandy: 
“A little guide for rakes, 
bucks, swells, cads and wits.” 
Along with brief bios on fa- 
mous dandies such as Beau 
Brummell, there are sections 
on the rules of dandyism 
(“Always live beyond thy 
means”), the classic dandy 
look (“A well-tied tie is the 
first serious step in life”) and 
dandy activities (“All dandies 
love idleness”). Stephen 
Robins is the author. The 

rice: $15 Call 800-423- 
4525 to order a copy. 


CALL OF THE WILD 


Natural Bridges Products, the manufacturers 
of First Call, says its product is a preventive and 
not a remedy for hangovers. The ingredients, 
artichoke and sarsaparilla, have been shown to 
be effective in detoxifying alcohol. For best re- 
sults, take three capsules with water before con- 
suming alcohol and three capsules after doing 
so. Price: $24.95 for a jar of 90 capsules from 
800-820-7533, or go to preventhangovers.com. 
Ifyou still wake up with a hangover, don't call 
the company in the morning. 


YOU'VE GOT SOUL 


In the Sixties and Seventies, soul movies were 
box office hits. Quincy Jones was one of many 
black composers and arrangers who contrib- 
uted to the genre. Beyond Music and MGM 
Music have combined to release a number of 
blaxploitation soundtracks, including Across 
110th Street and Friday Foster, as part of their 
Soul Cinema series. Price: about $18 each, in 
record stores. Other titles are also available. 


Next Month 


WHO'S THE WINNER? DRUG WAR 


WHO WANTS TO BE А РІ.АҮМАТЕ?--НЕНЕ 5 A FIRST: WE 
HELD A NATIONWIDE SEARCH FOR OUR NEXT CENTERFOLD 
AND TAPED IT FOR FOX TV. CATCH ALL OF THE BACKSTAGE 
ACTION, THE FABULOUS FINALISTS—AND THE GORGEOUS 
WINNER, MISS JULY 


THE DRUG WAR FIASCO—THE OFFICIAL COST OF THE WAR 
ON DRUGS? A COOL $609 PER SECOND, WITH NO END IN 
SIGHT. HERE'S WHY GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS HEPEATED- 
LY FAIL, WHERE YOUR TAX MONEY IS GOING AND WHY IT'S 
CALLED THE UNWINNABLE WAR. BY GEOFFREY NORMAN 


FRED DURST—LIMP BIZKIT'S FRONT MAN HAS PLENTY ТО 
SAY ABOUT GROUPIE SEX, DIRECTING MOVIES, HOW HE 
SAVED CHRISTINA'S ASS AND WHAT HE THINKS OF BRITNEY, 
CREED, EMINEM AND TRENT REZNOR. A PLAYBOY INTERVIEW 
BY ALISON LUNDGREN AND DAVID SHEFF 


GOOD GIRLS DO—THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF WOMEN: THE 
ONES YOU TAKE HOME TO YOUR MOTHER AND THE ONES 
YOU TAKE HOME TO YOUR MATTRESS. GUESS WHAT? IT’S THE 
NICE GIRLS WHO LOVE TO СЕТ KINKY--AMANDA GREEN 
GETS ALL THE DETAILS 


THE FONDLING FATHERS—THE LATEST RELIGIOUS SEX 
SCANDAL (INVOLVING CATHOLIC BISHOP O'CONNELL) ADDED 
MORE EVIDENCE OF A CHURCH COVER-UP THAT HAS LAST- 
ED FOR DECADES. ASA BABER ON THE $1 BILLION PAID BY 
CATHOLIC DIOCESES TO SETTLE SEX ABUSE CASES 


BLOODY GOOD SHOW— INSIDE BOXING: THE BADDEST 
HEAVYWEIGHT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, GREAT ROOMS FOR 
A RUMBLE, FIGHT FAN QUIZ, WHAT'S A TRAINER? KEVIN 
COOK OFFERS A CRASH COURSE ON THE SWEET SCIENCE 


JOHN WOO—WHEN HOLLYWOOD LURED HONG KONG'S ACE 
ACTION DIRECTOR, IT WAS TO STEAL HIS TRADEMARK EX- 
PLOSIONS AND BLOODY SHOOT-OUTS. TEN YEARS LATER, 
MICHAEL FLEMING TALKS TO WOO ON THE EVE OF WIND- 
TALKERS, HIS MUCH-ANTICIPATED WORLD WAR II FILM 


CHRIS ISAAK—POP'S ROMANTIC BALLADEER WENT FROM 
ROLLING IN THE SAND WITH HELENA CHRISTENSEN TO STAR- 
RING IN A TV SHOW. HE ANSWERS 20 QUESTIONS ABOUT KISS- 
ING DWIGHT YOAKAM'S GIRLFRIEND AND DIGGING OLDER 
WOMEN—JUST TO GET STARTED. BY ROBERT CRANE 


SAUCE—ON AN OTHERWISE QUIET COLLEGE CAMPUS, A PIZ- 
ZA GUY OVERHEARS TWO SORORITY GIRLS RECOUNT THE 
NIGHT'S RUTTINGS. WHO SAID ROLLING DOUGH WAS BOR- 
ING? FICTION BY STEVE ALMOND 


SUMMER STILLNESS—EVEN IF YOU'RE SITTING ON THE 
DOCK OF THE BAY, YOU NEED TO LOOK COOL. WE SHOW OFF 
EVERYTHING HOT THIS SUMMER FROM WATERPROOF WATCH- 
ES TO HIP T-SHIRTS, SNEAKERS AND SHADES. 


PLUS: SMALL CARS THAT HAVE THE SPEED OF ROCKETS, 
SOME STRANGE PATENTS FOR SEX TOYS, AND CENTERFOLD 
SHANNON STEWART TALKS DIRTY