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vou KNOW YOU'VE been at a good party when you stagger 
home in the morning and every dog in the neighborhood 
comes by to lick your fingers. And you know you go to a good 
party school when it's been named as such in the pages of 
PLAYBOY. The honor, like a wet tongue on your hand, is a rare 
treat. The best-party-school tag is a campus legend—we even 
have a faq devoted to it on Playboy.com. Despite what you've 
heard, the 2002 roundup, Playboys Top 25 Party Schools, is only 
the second list we've ever done. The lowdown on the throw- 
downs was compiled by Associate Editor Alison Prato. 

Willie Nelson is another hard-partying institution. He's more 
than a country singer, he's a man revered by generations of 
listeners. This month, the American giant is the subject of a 
Playboy Interview by Contributing Editor David Sheff that is, in 
turn, hilarious (check out his Viagra joke) and defiant. 

Cover girl Kristy Swanson knows a thing or two about leg- 
ends—bloodsucking legends. Her classic performance in 
Buffy the Vampire Slayer made her a cult star and gave birth to 
the hit TV franchise. Then she went for the comic jugular in 
Big Daddy and Dude, Where's My Car? Now she appears nude 
for the first time in a magazine in an otherworldly set of pho- 
tos by Phillip Dixon. Our fangs are dripping. 

Dues for Allah. While our military focuses on far-off places 
like Iraq and Pakistan, the enemy draws nearer. According to 
Rohan Gunaratna, the leading expert on Islamic terrorists, Al 
Qaeda has infiltrated the U.S. on several levels. In Al Qaeda at 
Home, Our Home (art by John Craig), a disturbing Q&A with 
added information from Gunaratna's best-selling book Inside 
Al Qaeda (Columbia University), he maintains that 20 percent 
of Muslim charities in the U.S. have been corrupted. But it's 
not all gloomy. Gunaratna has faith in the U.S.’ ability to crack 
Al Qaeda—and he has faith in PLAYBOY. “Seeing your HQ,” he 
says, “was like visiting the Pentagon for the first time.” 

Las Vegas, gambling mecca of the world, has its share of 
conspirators and grifters. We defy you to find a more enter- 
taining bunch than the MIT Blackjack Club, a shadowy group 
of card-counting students who won millions from casinos. 
Bringing Down the House by Ben Mezrich is excerpted from a 
book of the same name, to be published soon by Simon and 
Schuster. Leroy Neiman did the artwork. Think you have better 
odds heading to Vegas than sticking with your bets on Wall 
Street? Then sit up, pay attention and read Lou Dobbs: Is the 
Market Hopeless? , also by David Sheff (with art by Roberto Parada). 

His teammates call him Canton. He just signed a new sev- 
en-year, $44 million contract with the St. Louis Rams. He's 
won a Super Bowl and lost one. But you don't need us to tell 
you that Marshall Faulk is the best running back in the game 
today. He's also an entertaining interview—just look at this 
month's 20 Questions with Mark Ribowsky. Not only does he vote 
for Pamela Anderson over J. Lo, he'd prefer sex with Hal- 
le Berry to a 200-yard game. Put him in the booth! Cribs on 
Wheels by Contributing Editor Ken Gross examines the latest 
motor trends among jocks Gary Payton, Emmitt Smith, Pavel 
Bure and Pudge Rodriguez. If body modification is more 
your style, turn to Swallowing, a short story by Steve Amick. It 
features a well-meaning guy, a party girl and a devastatingly 
loose piercing that leaves him lung-tied. This year's Sex in Cin- 
ema, with text by Jamie Malanowski, features the aforemen- 
tioned Ms. Berry and her breasts (along with those of Angeli- 
na Jolie), the occasional bit of irrumation and a new older 
woman-younger guy thing known as tadpoling. These days, 
it’s froggie’s little brother who goes a'courting. Ribbit! 


DIXON 


NEIMAN 


PARADA 


GROSS 


MALANOWSKI 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), November 2002, volume 49, number 11. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ&ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 


PLAYB 


vol. 49, no. 11—november 2002 


= contents] contents] nts 
features 
72  ALQAEDA AT HOME, OUR HOME 
Terror expert Rohan Gunaratna, author of Inside Al Qaeda, has unsettling 
meus about Islamic fundamentalists and how they are able to hide here. 
BY LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 
89 PLAYBOY'S TOP 25 PARTY SCHOOLS 
Nobody knows campus craziness like students, so we compiled their true tales of 
debauchery. All you serious academics—don't miss our ranking of the raucous. 
BY ALISON PRATO 
108 LOU DOBBS: IS THE MARKET HOPELESS? 
The maven of CNN's hugely popular Moneyline doesn't mince words. We asked 
him about the economy, September 11, corporate skulduggery, his man И; CNN and 
where the Dow might be headed. As always, we received blunt, provocative 
answers. BY DAVID SHEFF 
114 BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE 
A team of MIT math students scams the biggest casinos in Vegas—and it’s party 
lime with stars and gobs of cash. But what happens when the luck runs out for the 
canny card counters? BY BEN MEZRICH 
116 CRIBS ON WHEELS 
Star athletes spend iens of thousands of dollars to customize their rides. Here's every 
detail, starting with Emmitt Smith's Cadillac Escalade. BY KEN GROSS 
121 CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: JODI ANN PATERSON 
When the time is right, pull her into the kitchen and get ready to cook. 
122  20G MARSHALL FAULK 
The St. Louis Rams superstar explains his team's surprising Super Bowl loss to 
the Patriots and discusses his relationship with the coach. His secret to success: 
total concentration. BY MARK RIBOWSKY 
fiction > 
86 SWALLOWING 
Tiff promised a night of wild and kinky fun. But just when things were going 
great—gag!—our hero was off to the hospital. Who knew going down could lead 
10 going under? BY STEVE AMICK 
interview 
63 WILLIE NELSON 


What an entertainer! When he's not reminiscing about his eventful life, he's tell- 
ing jokes. But the legendary singer who wrote On the Road Again and Crazy has 
plenty of serious stuff on his mind, too. Start with patriotism, poverty and pot. 

BY DAVID SHEFF 


cover story 


Beautiful actress Kristy Swanson is ta die for. 
And thot has nothing to do with her playing 
Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the mavie that start- 
ed it oll. We loved her in Big Doddy ond Dude, 
Where's My Cor? Sa we asked Kristy ta shaot o. 
very intimate sequel with phatographer Phillip 
Dixan: Dude, Where’s My Clothing? Our Bun- 
ny, who loves to neck, is tressed out. 


vol. 49, no. 11—november 2002 


contenis continued 
pictorials 
76 SEX IN CINEMA 23 AFTER HOURS 
Girls with girls, older women with за WIRED 
younger guys, real-life suingers, 
rowdy trysts—you know, the usual. 40 LIVING ONLINE 
BY JAMIE MALANOWSKI 41 PLAYBOY TV 
94 PLAYMATE: SERRIA TAWAN 43 PLAYBOY.COM 
1 enjoy shaking my ass with the 
best of them at a club,” says Miss 44 MEN 
Y y ? 
November. Need we say more: e СИ 
126 КЕТ МАМОН ИК 51 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
The original vampire slayer is— 
how could we resist? —Buffy in 106 PARTY JOKES 
Tak bil 
STE р 158 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
164 GRAPEVINE 
tes and new 
2 è 166 POTPOURRI 
14 FUN ON THE FOURTH 
Matthew Perry, Colin Farrell and 
Verne Troyer celebrate indepen- lifestyle 
th Hef 
Cur, 110 PARTY TRAY 
16 FIGHT NIGHT AT Wake up to the exciting new liquor. 
THE MANSION category —"Malternatives." 
АТА а 163 STEPPING UP IN CLASS 
не crib, complete with ring-card EEE 
Ена It's Toyota Camry versus the Hon- 
à da Accord in a high-end shoctout. 
53 THE PLAYBOY FORUM BY ARTHUR KRETCHMER 
Drug testing, zero tolerance and 
the Pledge of Allegiance—for 
rapacious lawyers and naughty reviews 
chief execs. m Muse 
159 PLAYMATE NEWS Queens of Ihe Stone Age, Ladytron 
Nicole Narain inlerviews Pete and MF Grimm. 
Yorn; Geraldo's favorite Playmate. зд MOVIES 
Jackass, Madonna, Hannibal— 
coran what a great fall. 
38 VIDEO 
5 PLAYBILL The future is back, Beatles on 
19 DEAR PLAYBOY DVD. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


There are some ШЕ even ща hest schools can't teach you. 


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SUNDAY Ост 13 ТОРМ|9с VEND 


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PLAYBOY 


CUERVO.CO 


NEW YORK 
LOS ANGELES 
TELLURIDE 
MEXICO 

NEW ORLEANS 


10 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL. executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 
FORUM: JAMES В. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP ROWE associale editor, PATTY LAMBERT! editorial 
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; BARBARA NELLIS, ALISON 
PRATO associate editors; ROBERT B. DESALVO assislant edilor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; LINDA 
FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS. HEATHER НАЕВЕ. CAROL KUBALEK. MALINA LEE, HARRIET PEASE, OLGA 
STAVROPOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edilor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; 
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; ANAHEED ALANI, ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA 
SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK. BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN 


research librarian; там GALVIN. JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER assistant; 
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOLCE, GRETCHEN 
EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, JOE MORGENSTERN, 
DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON. BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior art directors; ROB WILSON associate 
art director; PAUL CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art 
services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior edilors; PATTY BEAUDET-FRANCES associate edilor; RENAY LARSON assistant edilor; ARNY FREYTAG. 
STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing pholographers; RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN. GEN 
NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR. DAVID RAMS contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff 
photographer; sua. warte studio manager—los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOL manager, photo 
library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; PENNY EKKERT. GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY PONTARELLI, RICHARD 
QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associale managers; JOE CANE, BARB TERIELA lypeselle 
SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK assistant 


BILL BENWAY, 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERF newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; jor HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCUL direct 
response manager; Lisa NATALE marketing director; SUE \GOE event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT 
marketing services direclor; DONNA TAVOSO crealive services director; МАМЕ FIRNENO advertising 
business manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator; NEW YORK; ELISABETH AULEPF. VICTORIA 
HAMILTON, SUE JAFFE, JOHN LUMPKIN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL; 
CHICAGO: WADE BANTER 


READER SERVICE 
MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer 
MICHAEL. CARR president, publishing division 


NATION 
READY. SET. LET GO. 


ki 4 A Я 
f мем YORK | ЗАМЕ E 4.4 |— — NN 


VIVE ervo 


Hecho en vo Desde 1795. 


MAKE IT AN UNDEAD 


KIND OF МЕШ. 


on BVD 


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A BOWL FULL OF JAZZ 
Jamie Foxx and his companion (left) couldn't stay seated when 
Cuba's celebrated Maraca took center stage at the annual 
Playboy Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bowl. Hef and emcee 
Bill Cosby (below) shared a backstage laugh. 


THE MANSION IS FOR THE BIRDS 
Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean, Julie Weiss 
Murad (below) and Paris Hilton (right) were 
birds of a feather at the Gabriel Founda- 
tion fund-raiser, Parrots in Paradise, at the 
Playboy Mansion. 


BIDDING ON PLAYBOY MEMORABILIA 

PLAYBOY fans bid more than $1 million at a Butterfields auc- 
tion of paintings, photographs and cartoons from the maga- 
zine's archives. The Rabbit rules. 


DIXIELAND IN HOLMBY HILLS 

The Preservation Hall Jazz Band was a big hit at this year's Jazz Festival, B 
so Hef kept the party going by inviting the group from the Big Easy to play at YE E BARBI AND HEF 
his annual Fourth of July bash at the Mansion. D ap | TOGETHER 
AGAIN 

Hef and former gal 
Î pal Barbi Benton 
were on hand for a 
Los Angeles Mu- 
seum of Television 
and Radio tribute to 
both Playboy's Pent- 
house and Playboy 
After Dark, the va- 
riety shows that 
were hosted by Hef 
during the Sixties. 
(Hef and Barbi met 
on PAD.) There is 


AS : > talk of reviving the 
à CESA N 7 1 2 show on VH1. 


13 


Hef's Independence Day celebration 
included fun in the sun, jazz and a fire- 

works finale. (1) Three of Не в patri- 

otic pretties: Stacy, Bridget and Holly. 

(2) January Playmate Nicole Narain 

and Bill Maher. (3) Carrie Stevens and 

Verne Troyer. (4) Steve Valentine and 

his wife, Shari. (5) Fred Durst with 

Colin Farrell and Colin's sister Clau- 

dine. (6) It’s puppy love with Lena Li, 
Tiffany and Izabella. (7) Dana Ash- 

brook, Shauna Sand and Jonathan Sil- 
verman. (8) Jimmy Caan plays ball. (9) 

Jake Hoffman (Dustin Hoffman's son) 

and Brett Connors (son of Jimmy 
Connors and Playmate Patti McGuire). 

(10) Flashing for freedom: Carrie Taylor, Nan- 
cy Ramos, Dillon Thomas and Rachel Ayars. 
(11) Matthew Perry on the trampoline. (12) 
Jeanette Jonsson and Perry playing volleyball. 
(13) Thora Birch. (14) The Preservation Hall 
Jazz Band. (15) A fan dancer from New Or- 
leans. (16) Playboy model Dita Von Teese and 
Hef mean fireworks. 


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Hef hosted a Fight Night on ESPN2 that was 
broadcast around the world. (1) Hef and the 
Playmate ring girls with Johnny Gill, who sang 
the National Anthem, and Sugar Ray Leon 
ard, who р ted the event. (2) Undefeated 
lightweight Alex Trujillo versus Juan Valen. 
zuela. (3) Jessica Rakoczy scored a knock 
out. (4) Bruce Jenner with Jimmy Connors 
(5) Sugar Ray, NFL star Eddie George and 
others in town for the ESPY Awards. (6) Holly 
in her man’s robe, (7) Bantamweights Karen 
Harutyunyan and Jose Nieves. (8) Miri 
am Gonzalez, PLAYBOY cover girl Mia St. John 
and Deanna Brooks. (9) Robert Shapiro and 
Berry Gordy at ringside. (10) Soccer stars Eric 
Wynalda, Clint Mathis and Gobi Jones. 

(11) Sugar Ray and Ving Rhames. |... 
(12) Jessica Paisley, Hef and Brande 
Roderick. (13) Evander Holyfield 

Sugar Ray and “Baby” Joc Mesi. (14) 
Izabella and Tiffany with Olympic 

skater Apolo Ohno, (15) Cyber Girls 

Jennifer Korbin, Amy Miller, Carrie 

Taylor and Carolee Bass 


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IT JUST DOESN'T GET ANY SWEETER THAN THIS. 


WWW.SWISHER.COM 


Dear Playboy 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPE@PLAYBOLCOM 


HIDDEN ASSETS 
Enron's officers may have shaken the 

public's faith in corporate America, but 

the Women of Enron pictorial (August) re- 

stores my faith in PLAYBOY. It's nice to see 

more emphasis on the girl next door. 
Kyle Curry 
Lincoln, Nebraska 


Janine Howard made my heart skip a 
beat. She deserves her own pictorial. 
Chuck Hengesbach 
Waterford, Michigan 


Your Women of Enron pictorial is fabu- 
lous. It almost makes me wish my com- 
pany were involved in a scandal so that I 
could pose for PLAYBOY. 

Victoria Benitez 
Chicago, Illinois 


Janine's stock is up. 


At the age of 39, Janine Howard has 
a body most 18-year-olds would kill for. 
What an inspiration. 

Steve Smith 
Oakville, Ontario 


Please continue to do your part in our 
recovery from corporate scandal and in- 
vestment failures by making Enron cov- 
er girl Christine Nielsen a Playmate. My 
stock is already rising. 

M. Altman 
Gentreville, Virginia 


In the 35 years I've read рглувоу, I've 
never questioned your cover girl selec- 
tion, until now. Christine Nielsen is beau- 
tiful, but Janine Howard is a fox. 

Dave Densmore 
Hereford, Arizona 


Janine Howard is the most beautiful 
and desirable of the Enron ladics. Please 
bring her back for a pictorial. I promise 
that 1 will buy enough issues to wallpa- 
per my den. 

Frank Mann 
Winchester, Virginia 


Whether she's in a cockpit or on the 
ground, Janine will always be on top of 
the world. From one pilot to another, I'd 
love to be her wingman. 

Buck Foley 
Rome, Georgia 


After seeing how smoking hot the wom- 
en of Enron are, I'm eagerly looking for- 
ward to the Women of WorldCom issue. 

Jason Helland 
Morris, Illinois 


EARLY MAN 

Asa Baber once championcd father- 
hood, confronted feminism and criti- 
cized antimale laws. Nowadays, however, 
he writes Men columns like “Me Cave- 
man, You Caveman” (August), in which 
he asserts that men are innately crude 
and aggressive. Baber's conclusion is 


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PLAYBOY 


mythopoeic—free the inner Neander- 
thal. In this age when men‘; 
routinely ignored and the feminist agen- 
da is virtually settled policy, voices of 
dissent and common sense are priceless. 
Come on back, Asa. 


Russell Copney 
Bronx, New York 


I couldn't agree more with Baber on 
our genetic inheritance. I've been a clin- 
ical social worker for more than 30 years, 
and his is the best explanation. Asa's re- 
porting, thoughts and humor are right 
on the mark. 

Bill LaPointe 
Laguna Beach, California 


IT TAKES TWO 
Thank you, rtAvBov, for photograph- 
ing the sexiest twins this side of the uni- 
verse together (Tenison Twins, August). 
It's an instant collector's edition. I love 
seeing women of color in the maga- 
zine, and the Tenison twins have certain- 
ly doubled my pleasure. 
Darris Davenport 
Aurora, Colorado 


Twofer. 


1 don't know how much pleading on 
bended knee was required to persuade 
Rosie Tenison to join twin sister and 
1990 PMOY Rence to pose, but it was 
well worth the effort. 

Bruce Cuthbertson 
Alexandria, Virginia 


The Tenison twins, Christina Santiago 


20 and my childhood idol Harrison Ford 


together in one issue. What more can a 
guy ask for? 
Robert Laurich 
Sussex, Wisconsin 


Only nine pictures on six pages ofthe 
tantalizing Tenison twins is a cruel trick 
to play on all of us who appreciate Reneé 
and Rosie's smoldering sexuality. 

Anthony Taylor 
Camarillo, California 


ina Santiago (Latin 
Class, August) is an incredible woman— 
and I thought the best thing Chicago 
had to offer was pizza. 

Victor Forman 
‘Tucson, Arizona 


Move over, J. Lo. Sexy Christina is in 
the house. 
John Drummond 
Chicago, Illinois 


Christina is hotter than habanero pep- 
pers. She has my vote for the next Play- 
mate of the Year. 

Joe Curto 
Phoenix, Arizona 


Your selection of this sexy Latin beau- 
ty was perfect. As a ballroom dancer, I 
would love to teach Christina how to 
swing dance if she would teach me how 
to dance to salsa. 

Stew McConnell 
Rantoul, Illinois 


"Thank you for making Christina your 
August Centerfold. Hands down, she 
won my vote from the Fox show Girl Next 
Door: The Search for a Playboy Centerfold. 
Jody Martin 
Greensboro, North Carolina 


LIKE A ROCK 
‘Thanks for the photo of John Rocker 
and Playmates Deanna Brooks and Jessi- 
ca Lee (Playmate News, August). Sports- 
writers always paint a negative picture of 
Rocker no matter what he does, so it's 
great to see him in a positive light for a 
change. He can sprint into my bedroom 
anytime, the same way he charges from 
the bullpen to the pitcher's mound. 
Darleen Golomy 
Concord, California 


LEAVE IT TO CLEAVER 
I teach cooking to high school stu- 
dents. Your Mantrack item “How to Use a 
Cleaver" (August) was an excellent teach- 
ing tool. Too bad I can’t make PLAYBOY 
required text. 
Alaina McCullough 
Canton, Georgia 
We always try lo stay a cut above. 


PERFECT PICKUP 
Corey Levitan's Secrets of a Round-the- 
Clock Pickup Artist (August) is enlighten- 


ing as well as hilarious. I'm a 24-year-old 
desperately trying to find the balls to ap- 
proach women. This article arrived just 
in time. 
Ryan Harris 
Indianapolis, Indiana 


The perfect line. 

Meeting women at random and sort- 
ing them out under the covers is exactly 
the wrong way to build sound relation- 
ships. Although I can’t begin to under- 
stand Levitan's beliefs, I can forgive hi 
I can't, however, forgive PLAYBOY for vali- 
dating them. 


Dale Nelson 

Arcata, California 

Sounds like an. interesting pickup strategy 
to us. Good luck with i. 


Pickup Artist is a riot. I'm a 29-year-old 
single guy who understands very well 
the complexities of dating. Reading 
about Levitan's adventures brought a 
big smile to my face. 

Chris Wilson 
Holland, Michigan 


Your August issue cover line PICKING 
UF GIRLS caught my сус. I've never read 
anything as on the mark or amusing as 
your Pickup Artist article. Wow, Levitan is 
good. My favorite: the yes-they-are-Bu- 
gle-Boys sign in traffic. I've now become 
more aware of the guys lurking in my 
world—especially in the least likely plac- 
es. The truth is that all a guy really needs 
is a little charm, confidence and a great 
sense of humor. That will lure almost 
any chick. 

Angie Grodell 
Anaheim, California 


GRANDFATHER KNOWS BEST 
I'm a 31-ycar-old woman who loves 
PLAYBOY thanks to my grandfather, who 
has always been a huge fan of your mag- 
azine. If it weren't for his open-minded 
liberal thinking, I would not have grown 
up with you. 
Hcidi Shank 
Capitola, California 


IE VOU HING YOU'VE SEEN 
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A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


ALTERNATIVE MOCK 


Montreal's Just for Laughs is one of 
the oldest and most respected comedy 
festivals in the world. But that hasn't 
stopped the Nasty Show, an alternative 
festival-within-the-festival, from hurl- 
ing insults and curses at unsuspecting 
Quebecois comedy fans every year since 
1987. This year Bobby Slayton hosted 
the Nasty Show, and performers includ- 
ed Robert Schimmel, Joey Kola, Dave 
Attell and Ron White. Forget vanilla hu- 
mor. The Nasty Show is about smut. “All 
men want in life are four thing: 
Kola. "We want to eat, sleep, shit and 
fuck. If it doesn't fit into one of those SIVA 
four categories, we really don't care. OUR 
We don't care if the carpet matches the TIMBER! 
drapes. We don't care what kind of pot- : 
pourri you just put in the bathroom. We 
don't care what your new slippers look 
like—unless you wear them while you're 
blowing me." Schimmel addressed how 
men shop for sex toys: "Guys will buy 
anything a woman wouldn't think of. 
‘How much for this? "I'm sorry, sir, that's 
the fire extinguisher.’” At the Nasty 
Show, scatology is a science. "You know 
what wakes me up early in the morn- 
ing?" asked Attell. "A tongue in the ass. 
There is no snooze alarm on a tongue in 
the ass. Bam—you're up.” Indeed. And 
the best thing is, you don't have to worry 
about morning breath 


kinky & blissful 
i 


SOME LINES THAT WON’T WORK 
ON A HOT BARTENDER 


We're friends with a cool bartender, 


Joanna, at a happening club in Chicago. 
We asked her to keep track of the dumb 


lines guys used on her, but drink. How are you at breakfast?" 
shouldn't have, during one “Who do I have to do to get a drink 
month. Take it from us— around here?" 

no one can pull these off “Tll have a Jack and Coke, a Bud 
“Hey, you makea great Light and your phone number." 


about working at pLAyBoY is playing with the battery-operated toys. 
- uf Toke Plantraco's remote-controlled flying soucer. After a few blind pass- 
کے‎ es of it in and out of our new COO's office, we were hooked. And it was the 
first time we didn't feel bad for falling in love with an inflatable toy. 


MORE 


EATING OUT 


"| love food, and | love wom- 
en, so | decided to combine 
the two," says Manhattan- 
based chef Chris Leahy. He 

and his business partner, An- 
drew Hogene, are the men behind 
Raw Catering, which speciolizes in 
finger foods served on delicious 
women in St. Louis and New York. 
For $40 to $60 per guest, you can 
watch a model as she is covered 
with the evening's menu, then eat 
it from the palm of her hond—or 
anywhere else you'd like (Ihe two 
pieces on her nipples are always 
ihe first to go). So far, guests have 
been well behoved—no one wants 
to be told, "That's not sashimi, 


that’s my sister! 


= 


“It must suck working in a bar. I 
mean, you must have guys hitting on 
you all the time. You must hear a lot of 
rude stuff. Your boyfriend must hate it 
Say, do you have a boyfriend?" 

“Гуе come here for years now and 
you've probably served me a thousand 
drinks. Why haven't we 

gone out yet?" 


ad hat do 1 get for a bigger tip?” 

n I buy you а shot? No? Then how 

about dinnei 
“Any specials tonight—besides you?” 
“I want you to come home with me to- 

night so you can cook me a ham.” 

“ГІ have a buttery nipple and sex on 

the beach. And to drink, I'll have a beer.” 


man. He's 
he was as good as his t 
ha ldt t had, ма п 


much of a 
taoka 
ond | 


24 


“Do 1 get a free shot if it’s my birth- 
day? How about a table dance?” 

“Who will model all that lingerie now 
that уоште working here?" 

“I want something sweet. Say, how 
about you?" 

You've been warned. Now for one that 
Joanna says works: "Say, "Thanks for the 
drinks, tip big and walk away." She won't 
forget your face all night. 


QUADROPHILIA 


"Technology has vanquished yet anoth- 
ег moment of social unease: declaring 
one’s lust only to find that it's unrequit- 
ed. During the final weeks of the school 
year at Wesleyan University, students 
can sign up, gratis, for the web-based We- 
Scam, "an automated system that allows 
you to figure out if people you're inter- 
ested in hooking up with are interested 
in hooking up with you without making 
a fool of yourself by getting drunk or 
stoncd enough to pour your heart out to 
them or stick your tongue down their 
throats." Sponsored by Alpha Delta Phi, 
WeScam provides a list of classmates 
so students can check off the names of 
those they like. (Seniors can choose any- 
one; others can choose only seniors. 
Rank does have its privileges.) As Senior 
Weck approaches, you get e-mail list- 
ing your matches. If interest in that spe- 
cial someone is unmatched, she'll never 


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PLAY me HOUSE” 


PLAYBOY 


know. But if it's mutual—bingo! And, 
yes, there is a threesome option. This 
year 644 students made selections, and 
three fifths got a match (or, in one lucky 
senior's case, 17 matches). One senior 
reports that she checked off 15 names 
and ended up with five matches. But, 
she tells us, “Most of the people I hooked 
up with that week weren't from my list.” 
Happily, spontaneity lives on. 


SMALL THINGS IN 
GOOD PACKAGES 


Durex, makers of fine prophylactics, 
may be trying to take niche marketing 
further than it will stretch. Having suc- 
cessfully promoted its extra-large Easy- 
On condoms (54 millimeters wide versus 
the standard 52), the company now pro- 
poses to sell a line of smaller (49 millime- 
ter) rubbers for customers who “prefer a 
tighter condom” or who are “younger.” 
Durex, with a fashion-conscious vibe, 
has named them Close Fit. It's a cuphe 
mism that fools nobody but is at least 
better than such alternatives as Petite, 
Elfin, Mini-Meat and Vienna Sausage. 


PORK TENDERLOIN 


The Dutch have 
long concerned 
themselves with 


the rights of pot smokers, sex workers 
and homosexuals. Now they've moved 
on to other pressing causes, namely the 
sexual pleasure of pigs. An agricultural 
company in the Netherlands is market- 
inga vibrator for pigs that will help sows 
enjoy artificial insemination. Which, in 
turn, will increase the rate of the proce- 
dure. A spokeswoman said, “People use 
vibrators, and we thought, How can we 


bring this to pigs?” Our answ 
gently and with a lot of cuddling. 


COMEDY CLUBS 


With two new books, Jokes Men Won't 
Laugh At and Jokes Women Won't Laugh At 
(Berkley), Tom Hobbes has lobbed two 
laugh bombs into the front lines of the 
gender war. Hobbes is a centrist—at any 
given time he knows at least half his au- 
dience will be laughing. Ladies first: 
“Two guys are leaving work when one 
of them says, ‘The first thing I'm going 
to do when 1 get home is rip off my 
wife's panties? "You're that horny?’ ‘No, 
the elastic is killing те.” And one for 
the guys: “Two golfers are on the first tee 
and the first guy has spent at least five 
minutes lining up his shot. ‘Sorry to take 
so long, but my wife is up there watching 
from the clubhouse, so this shot has to be 
perfect,’ he explains. ‘Oh, for Christ’s 
sake," the second one says. ‘You're never 
going to hit her from here!” 


THE TIP SHEET 


Scraping the tapioca: A euphemism for 
having sex among Trobrian Islanders off 
the coast of New Guinea. We guess you 
do it with your pudding pop. 

That's G as in gigantic: According to 


MOM NEVER LOOKED LIKE THIS! 


In the language of Golden Age Hollywood, Bruno Bernard was called the "Rembrandt of photog- 


raphy.” For more than four decades tl 


Reubens of the Rollei produced iconic images of such stars 


as Clark Gable, John Wayne and Elizabeth Taylor. He was also a starlet's best friend, capable of 
showcasing the charms of actresses in fabulous settings. Bemard of Hollywood: The Ultimate Pin- 


Up Book (Taschen) is full of glam action. Photos for the book were e: 


d by his daughter, De- 


cember 1966 Playmate Susan Bernard, who also wrote the introduction. To see Bernard's lega- 
cy in full flower you can go to playboy.com and search for pictures of Susan herself. 


William Shakespeare’s 


R OMEO an d. 


the most famous love story of them all... 
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symbolizing the love in your life. 


Enlarged to show exquisite detail 


THE Rose of Love RING 


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researchers at Italy's University of Aquila, 
women who have large G spots should 
experience results similar to males when 
using Viagra. The researchers neglected 
to mention why a woman with an over- 
size G spot would need Viagra. 

A deer-shit paperweight, a monkey carved 
from a peach pit in a foxhole during World 
War II, a belt buckle with a glass eye in it, a 
bracelet made of goat toenails, a JFK garden 
gnome and a Connecticut woman's colonosco- 
‚by photos: According to Marc Hartzman's 
book, Found on EBay, just some of the 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


QUOTE 
“Courteney may 
be pretty, but if 


the winners of the 
Annual American 
Crossword Tourna- 


as E eelis lih = | ment Se. noteworthy items offered for sale on the 
nee ed MONEY HONEY Internet's flea market. 


The Hosanna Hotel: Warning—not the 
place you want to make reservations for 
when visiting Trinidad. It's the “Chris- 
tian hotel of the Caribbean” and pro- 


1 like it."—DAVID 
ARQUETTE, DESCRIE 
ING WIFE COURTE- 
NEY COX’ NATURAL 
FLAVOR 


Percentage of 
Americans who say 
their sex lives im- 

prove when their 
financial situation. 
2 does: 58. 


hibits guests from using tobacco or al- 
cohol and requires couples to produce 
proof of marriage. 

A lawn mower: What 82-year-old Mik- 
hail Kalashnikoy, inventor of the AK-47 


DEAD PRESIDENTS 
According to = 
an insurance in- 
dustry estimate, ra- 
tio of Fortune 500 
companies that take 
out “dead peasant” 
life insurance pol- 
icies on their em- 
ployees (without the 


) PUMP AND DUMP 
Percentage of 
Americans who say 
that they have 
been dumped more 
times than they've 
dumped others: 25. 
Percentage who've 
been the dumper 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
The Fountain, a urinal 
arly 20th cen- 


turned into an 


tury masterpie 


28 


1 in 4. Number of 
such policies Wal-Mart has taken out 
on its employees: 350,000. 


FAST BUCKS 

Among the going rates for sponsor 
logo-placement on Nascar race cars 
according to Nascar estimates, cost to 
place an ad on the hood: $7 million 
to $17 million. The cost just to be 
on the narrow side pillar between the 
front and rear windows: $75,000 to 
$200,000. 


CHILD ABUSE 
According to Social Security rec- 
ords, the number of babies in 9001 
named Prince: 161. Number of ba- 
bies named Princess: 262. Number of 
boys named River: 317. Number of 
girls named Unique: 266. 


A TAX UPON THEIR HEADS 

Average taxes paid per capita in 
the U.S. in 2001: $1968. The average 
taxes paid in Connecticut, the state 
that has the highest per-capita tax: 
$3020. Taxes paid in South Dakota, 
which has the lowest per-capita aver- 
age: $1293. 


TRIUMPH OF THE LEFT 
Approximate percentage of left- 
handed people in the U.S.: 10. The 
percentage of left-handers among 


employee knowl- НАННЫН more than the 
edge), payable to ДВ ME dumpce: 40. 

the company when recently jd at a New York 

the employees die: п for $1 million, FANTASY TV. 


According to 
CBS.MarketWatch.com, estimated 
cost of newspaper columnist Carrie 
Bradshaw's Upper East Side apart- 
ment on Sex and the City: $450,000. 
Estimated value of the Riverside 
Drive apartment shared by Will and 
Grace on Will and Grace: $800,000. 
Estimated monthly rent for semiem- 
ployed actor Joey's Greenwich Vil- 
lage unit on Friends: $4000. 


DOWN WITH SQUIDWARD 
Among children’s TV programs, 
the rank of Nickelodeon's SpongeBob 
SquarePants: 1. Percentage of Sponge- 

Bob viewers who are adults: 40. 


BIG HIGH COUNTRY 
Amount of money spent by Mon- 
tana last year to dispose of hazardous 
chemicals found in raids on meth 
labs: $631,000. 


GO TEAM 

In a USA Today poll, percentage of 
22,000 respondents who said they 
consider cheerleading a sport: 54. 


GOLDEN STATE 
Number of venture capital funds in 
the U.S.: 3568. Number of funds in 
‘Texas: 161. Number in Massachu- 
setts: 451. In New York: 474. In Cali- 
fornia: 1166. —ROBERTS. WIEDER 


CLOWN PRINTS 


Blame it on Zoloft. The crying clown 
occupies on unsettling ploce in 
the psyches of omateur artists. In 
Clown Paintings (Power House), ac- 
tress Diane Keaton and curator 
Robert Berman unveil hidden trea- 
sures of clown art purchased at flea 
markets. Some of the clowns are 
sad, some are happy and others 
are just plain circus jerks. 


assault rifle, now says he wishes he had 
invented, 

Buyer beware: A twist on “Fast. Good 
Cheap. Pick any two.” From an Inter- 
net discussion group, advice on women: 
“Smart. Sexy. Sane. Pick any two.” 

All the news that’s shit to print: Go to 
pornolize.com, then type in your fa- 
vorite website and admire the hilariously 


"IT 5 JUST NOT 


FO OTBALL 


WITHOUT SOMETHI NG TO 


PASS AROUND? 


M.R., Chillicothe, 


30 


a discussion. In fact, it’s never a 
good time to talk.” 

“Before hearing a word, tell 
her she took everything wrong 
is being ‘too sensitive.” 

t a rotation going: Mon- 
day and Wednesday tell her that 
she's overreacting. On Tuesday 
and Thursday she's blowing it 
out of proportion. And on weck- 
ends, she's imagining things. 

"Change the subject. Say, 
"You're starting your period, 
aren't you? 

“If this doesn't work, pick a 
fight. Be combative and re- 
peatedly point out that she 
was the one who started the 
argument." 

“If she has six good points 
and you have one small medio- 
cre point, place all the empha- 


point." 


BALL POINT 


sis on your one small mediocre 


"Don't veer. Keep asking about your 
one small point, then demand a quick 


response. If she hesitates, use 
this as evidence that you are 
right." 

"If it's obvious that she is 
right, find fault with her that 
has nothing to do with what 
you are talking about." 

"Be sure to create your own 
imaginary panel of experts 
(composed of people she has 
never met). Say, 'Even Joc and 
Jim agree with me and think 
that you are being completely 
unreasonable.'" 

"When she tries to explain 
the same thing in a different 
way, roll your cyes." 

"Appoint yourself her in- 
house therapist. Say, “You do 
this to yourself. Why do you 

do this to yourself?” 
“Keep count of how many 
times she repeats herself and be 
sure to remind her. 

“Remember, it's always her fault. That's 
your story and you are sticking to it.” 


“Ym one. 
of those 
stronge beosts 
who really 
like a 
corset." 
—Cole 
Blanchett. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


> 


profane results. It's idiotic fun 

White Lines (Thunder's Mouth): 
A new book compiled by Stephen 
Hyde and Geno Zanetti, it's a col- 
lection of famous excerpts featuring 
cocaine. It's choppy, intense and stings 
just a bit. 


FLETCH FLAYED 


Surf star Christian Fletcher has con- 
quered the sea, but not the pee. The tat- 
tooed and pierced wild man who intro 
duced aerial flips to surfing has trouble 
keeping a tidy bowl. “I had a piercing 
straight through the helmet down there, 
but it wasn’t practical, so I took it out,” 
Fletcher told us. “But now when I pee 
it's like a broken fire hydrant hose with 
the pee coming out through all the 
holes. It’s tough when I'm drunk and 
trying to plug up all the holes so I don't 
pee all over the place. The first time my 
girlfriend saw me pee, she was like, 
"What the hell are you doing?” 


BITCH, DON’T WHINE 


Why Men Love Bitches (Adams) by Sher- 
ry Argov is an antiwhining manifesto 
that encourages women who feel like 
doormats to develop a sense of indepen- 
dence. Argoy is so against nagging, she 
even helps out the other side—men— 
by publishing pointers on shifting the 
blame and flummoxing naggers during 
arguments. For example: 

“First, tell her the timing isn't right for 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 158: 


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QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE haven't ever 
been radio darlings, so it's fitting that 
they skewer the music biz on Songs for the 
Deof (Interscope). Drive-time DJs take as 
hard a beating as the drums, which are 
brilliantly played by Dave Grohl. If you 
buy only one rock 
release this year, 
make it this one. 
—ALISON PRATO 


Mainstream 
rappers generate 
plenty of hot air, 
but real hip-hop 
continues to come 
from the street. 
The Downfall of Ib- 
liys (Day by Day) marks MF Grimm as 
a major talent. The beats are solid, but 
Grimm's wise lyrics are touched with 
genius. With Trinity (Priority), Slum Vil- 
lage delivers a taut expression of inner- 
city rage. — LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


Spoon delivers swaggering rock to the 
libido with a pounding piano, thumping 
bass drum and nicotine rasp. On ки! 
the Moonlight (Merge), Britt Daniel sings 
about smoking dope and breaking 
into mobile homes. It’s brilliant y 
and recalls the stripped down, | 
lean style of the early Stones. 

— JASON BUHRMESTER 


When guitarist Rick Holm- 
strom heard the blues samples 
Moby and Fatboy Slim added to 
their music, he tried the same 
thing in reverse—adding electron- 
ic beats and samples to his blues E 
and R&B. You'd think the result 
might sound contrived, but Hydraulic 
Groove (Tone-Cool) is unaffected and 
made for pleasure. Holmstrom creates 
entirely modern blues. —ANAHEED ALANI 


What once was noise is now the stuff of 
car commercials, as the powerful two- 
disc Anthology of Noise and Electronic Music 
(Sub Rosa) shows. Proto-turntablist Mi- 
lan Knizak started gouging vinyl records 


Buhrmester 


fast tracks 


1 LIKE THE NIGHTLIFE DEPARTMENT: Disco 
gets its due on November 15. That's 
when the Experience Music Project 

Paul Allen's Seattle museum, will 
open its exhibit to “straighten 
ош history." REELING AND ROCKING: 
The Rocky Horror Picture Show cel- 
ebrates its 30th birthday in 200. 
with a new made-for-TV produc- 
tion in which the original cast will 
make cameos. Jennifer Lopez 
and Marc Anthony pl ake a 
biopic based on the life of musi- 
cian Hector Lavoe. . . . ABC-TV has 
another Pavl McCartney special 
this fall. NEWSBREAKS: Even though the 
Queen musical received bad 


back in the Sixties. Broken Music (Amper- 
sand), a 1979 reissue, sounds like some- 
thing RZA would do in 2002. LE 


On Murray Street (Geffen), Sonic Youth 
combines the epic grandeur of Daydream 
Nation, the song-oriented pop of Sister 

and Goo and the ex- 
perimentalism of 
Goodbye 20th Century. 
im O'Rourke—now 
an Official band 
member—helps re- 
focus SY, making 
this its tightest CD 
in years. —AA 


Aimee Mann is 
part poet and part 
muse, an exemplary musician 
whose pensive songwriting makes most 

female artists look like American Idol re- 
jects. Lost in Space (Superego) is sugar- 
free sustenance—no gimmicks. —Ar 


Don't hate the Vines because they're 
another retro-guitar-pop import that Eu- 
rope has anointed the next big thing— 
or because they're a former Nirvana cov- 
er band. Love them because Highly Evolved 


Froehlich 


7 


8 


‚Songs for the Deaf. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON РАСЕ 158. 


London, it's selling out every night 
and has been extended until January 
Alter that, it will open here. .. . Don't 
expect a new Fleetwood Mac CD until 
next year, Mick Fleetwood says the band 
will start a tour in April 2003. In 
August 1982 Polygram relcased the 
world's lirst mass-produced CD. Hap- 
py 20th to the disc. Last year around 
billion CDs were made. Look 
for a new Pearl Jam CD this month. 
and then a world tour next year 
n you picture this? Nicolos Cage 
hopes to play Pete Townshend in the 
movie Roger Daltrey is making about 
e Myers wants to play 
RBARA NELLI 


(Capitol) boasts volcanic guitars, fero 
cious vocals and a one-minute song that's 


gargantuan. —АР 

Bright Eyes’ Conor Oberst distills teen 
angst into folky rock songs. Lifted (Sad- 
dlecreek) finds Oberst moving past ado- 
lescent rage and into Dylanesque verse. 
It's engaging. —в. 


Ladytron are the best neo-synth-pop 
band. They're not kitschy or ironic on 
Light and Magic (Emperor Norton). Their 
songs capture the gritty, robotic cool of 
analogue synth and minimalist proto- 
techno. The Bulgarian babe on vocals 
doesn't hurt, either. —TIM MOHR 


Róyksopp and Flunk create brilliant, 
laid-back electronica from Norway. On 
Melody AM (Astralwerks), SS 
molds comput- 
er whirs into 
catchy, melodic | 
tunes. On For | 
Sleepyheads Only 
(Beatservice), 
Flunk makes 
beautiful, som- 
nambulant 
trip-hop that's 
enlivened by 
breathy vocals 
reminiscent 
of Björk. —rm. 


On Easy (Rykodisc), Kelly Willis’ soft 
voice expresses sadness and longing. On 
Filth and Fire (Signature Sounds), Mary 
Gauthier's hard voice expresses weari- 
ness and bad luck. Both women have a 
lot of heart. —L.E 


The Rising (Columbia), Bruce Spring- 
steen's new CD, was worth the wait. The 
Boss is in a dark mood, but he's made a 
strong collection of gritty songs. — —J.5. 


te 


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THE NEW FRAGRANCES FOR MEN AND WOMEN 


vired 


HACK YOUR CAR 


Tweaking your engine to fast-and-furious performance once required you to 
spend your weekends under the hood fiddling with fuel injectors and cam- 
shafis. The new way to rev up the RPMs is to forgo the mechanic and hire a 
hacker. Inside most new cars is a diagnostic computer chip programmed by 
the manufacturer to control the engine. To juice a vehicle's performance, com- 
puter freaks replace the factory-installed comput- 
er chip in the dashboard with a chip purchased from 
retailers such as Superchips and Powerchip (whose 
motto is “Viagra for your car"). Replacement chips 
can cost anywhere from $200 to $500 and are avail- 
able for most cars produced in the past 25 years. The 
increase in power Varies by model, but typically yields 
a 10 percent boost in horsepower, The result is a 
higher performance, less environmentally sound car. 
Swapping out mod chips isn't just for hot-rod heads 
who want to break speed records. Modules are avail- 
able for such autos as the Ford Excursion and the 

Honda Accord. Light-truck drivers are using 

hacked chips to give their engines a boost for 

hauling boats, trailers and other devices. Speed 

demons looking for a personal touch can send in 
their cars’ computers to companies like Superchips, 
which reprogram them for optimal performance 
Want to poke around in your car's computer code 
yourself? With a laptop and software from Electro- 
motive, you can plug into the diagnostic port under 

the dash and manually adjust roughly 150 engine functions (such as fuel 
=| curves and ignition timing) without getting a spot of grease on your shirt. Be 

forewarned: While changing the fuel injector and turbocharger in your chip 

can get you additional speed, push it too far and you'll overheat the engine. Of 

course, all of these modifications will void your warranty. —LAZLOW 


BE ALL YOU САМ BE—ON YOUR PC a realistic perspective of life in the forc- 


es. According to Major Chris Chambers, 


Is life in the armed forces for you? One 
way to find out is to play more video 
games. À new program initiated by the 
U.S. Army encourages potential recruits 
to play America's Army, a new computer. 
game designed to provide civilians with 


Now you con cel 
brote the deoth of 
the ugly gray com- 


W 


is the sci fi-inspired JBL Creature (pic- 
tured here), a three-piece system that 
includes two satellites and a sub- 
woofer. It uses JBL speakers to boost 
the bass response and midrange 
tones of video games, movies 
and other multimedia. An LED on 


puter even if you ore still stuck in a cubicle. 
Harman Multimedia makes stylish speaker 
systems designed for Macs, PCs and 
portable MP3 and DVD players. lts latest 


deputy director for the OEMA (an or- 
ganization within the Army created to 
examine recruitment), the game is a 
“communication tool designed to show 
players what the army is—a high-tech, 
exciting organization with lots to do.” 


The free CD-ROM (which is available at 
americasarmy.com) contains a 3-D action 
shooter where players engage in battle 
and a role-playing scenario where play- 
ers accomplish goals such as saving mon- 
ey for college. The game can be played 
solo or online in a number of multi- 
player team-based missions. As to the 
portrayal of violence on the battlefield, 
Chambers confirms, "We're not sugar- 
coating it,” but there are repercussions 
for irresponsible gun- 
play. — MARC SALTZMAN 


GAME OF THE 
MONTH 


Carte blanche gov- 
ernment clearance | 
to “neutralize any- 
one who opposes | 
mission goals" is 
tempting, but sur- 
viving Tom Clan- 
cy's Splinter Cell | 
takes smarts, not 
firepower. Players 
use thermal-vision goggles to find 

warm fingerprints on security keypads 
and a fiber-optic camera to track guards. 
The intricate story line and gameplay 
make this the best Xbox game to date (by 
Ubi Soft Entertainment, for Xbox; PC 
at a later date). We're also playing Red 
Faction 2. Its 15 weapons and destruc- 
tible environments make for an explo- 
sive battle to take down a Mars dictator 
(by THQ, for PlayStation 2). The Sims 
Online is all about socializing. Turn your 
pad into a hip hangout and throw a kick- 
ass bash. New controls let you talk to 
other players and party at their place (by 
EA, for PC). —]ASON BUHRMESTER 


T 


EN: 
hing 
spoce-age glow on your desktop that molch- 
es the metallic silver, white or metallic blue 
color of your system. Both speakers and the 

subwoofer are magnetically shielded to 


protect your monitor from image distor- 
fion caused by speaker magnets. The JBL 


the bottom of the 
satellite speak- 
ers gives them a 


Creature can also recall the volume set- 
ting from the last time your comput- 
er was shut down, which saves time 
spent fiddling with the volume (ond 
which could save your ears). - 18 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 158. 


34 


movies 


| 
| 
m 


PREVIEWS 


Tops this month should be Red Dragon, 
the creepy prequel to Silence of the Lambs, 
starring Anthony Hopkins and Edward 
Norton. It is a remake of the 1986 Mi- 
chael Mann-directed Manhunter (see 
below). The studio reportedly spent zil- 
lions on computer effects to shave de- 
cades off Hopkins’ face and body. . . . 
Jackass: The Movie: Thrill seekers should 
flock to this big-screen version of MIV's 
stunt show. It promises ex- 
tremes and gross-outs beyond 
what TV allows—like a Vasec- 
tomy Olympics. . . . Loftier do- 
ings brighten Frida, depicting 
the life of Mexico's brilliant bi- 
sexual painter Frida Kahlo, 
played by Salma Hayek (there’s 
a hot scene of her masturbat- 
ing while watching a stripper 
disrobe). Edward Norton plays 
Frida's husband, muralist Di- 
ego Rivera. . . . The Ring is 
an Americanized version of a 
Japanese smash thar's like The 
Blair Witch Project. A journalist. 
tracks the various recipients of 
a bizarre videotape and finds 
they all died within a week of 
watching it. Naomi Watts from Mulhol- 
land Dr. stars. . . . Speaking of nasty do- 
ings, Auto Focus is all about how TV's 
blandly handsome Bob (Hogan's Heroes) 
Crane spent his off hours trawling strip 
joints and videotaping himself screwing 
hundreds of women, staging orgies and 
having sex with a creepy bisexual played 
by Willem Dafoe. Greg Kinnear portrays 
Crane. . . - Knockaround Guys is the much- 


delayed film starring Vin 
Diesel, who shot it long be- 
fore he was earning up- 
wards of $10 million a 
movie. . . . In Gerry, Matt 
Damon and Casey Affleck 
play hikers lost in the 
desert. They improvised 
all 103 minutes, payback 
to Gus Van Sant, who 
got Damon going with 
Good Will Hunting. 


REVIEWS 
BY LEONARD MALTIN 


1 really wanted to like Welcome to Col- 
linwood, a quirky, low-key comedy direct- 
ed by Anthony and Joe Russo. Steven 
Soderbergh and George Clooney pro- 
duced the movie (and Clooney took a 
small part) because they liked a student 
film by the Russos and decided to back 


The Ring (left), Norton ond 
Hopkins in Red Dragon (obove). 


them in their Hollywood debut 
The brothers obviously have tal- 
ent, but this remake of the classic 
Italian caper Big Deal on Madonna 
Street doesn't quite work. Set in a 
grimy Cleveland neighborhood 
where time has stood still for the 
past 50 years, its gallery of losers 
and dreamers who try to pull off 
a big-time heist is brought to life 
by William H. Macy, Michael Jeter, Sam 
Rockwell, Isaiah Washington, Gabrielle 
Union, Andrew Davoli, Luis Guzman 
and Patricia Clarkson. Everyone gets an 
A for effort, but the results are slight at 
best. Tellingly, the biggest laugh comes 
from a sight gag that replicates the 1958 
movie. 

Francois Ozon's Eight Women is another 
disappointment, considering the all-star 


EJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN 


There's nothing new about the idea 
of remakes. Cecil B. DeMille remade 
his The Squaw Man twice and is the on- 
ly man who made the Red Sea part tw: 
times, in the 1923 and 1956 versions of 
The Ten Commandments. 

Now we're getting remakes of films 

you don't have to be ancient to remem- 
ber seeing the first time around. I su 
pose the enormous success of Hannibal 
last year made the notion of redoing 
the original Hannibal Lecter 
novel, Red Dragon, irresistible. 
Never mind that it was done as 
recently as 1986 by a first-rate 
filmmaker (Michael Mann) and 
a great actor (Brian Cox) un- 
der the title Manhunter. 

The Truth About Chorlie is Jona- 
than Demme's remake of the 
sublime 1963 romantic thriller 
Charade, written by Peter Stone 
and directed by Stanley Donen. 


The original starred Cary Grant and 
Audrey Hepburn, with a star-building 
supporting role for Walter Matthau. 
The new version stars Mark Wahlberg, 
Thandie Newton and Robbins, 
and since I like all three actors, I'll re- 
serve judgment until I see what's on 
the screen. Meanwhile, I encourage 


Madonna is 
Swept Away. 


you to check out the Criterion Collec- 
tion DVD of Charade, which has a com- 
mentary track by Donen and Stone. 
Finally, there's Swept Away, a remake 
of Lina Wertmüller's sexually charged 
1974 film that made an international 
star of Giancarlo Giannini. This time, 
Madonna plays the rich bitch who is 
shipwrecked with a communist sailor— 
played by Adriano Giannini, Giancar- 
lo's son. Madonna has yet to deliver 
an impressive screen perfor- 
mance, but since she's being 
directed by her husband, Guy 
Ritchie, perhaps we'll see an 
improvement. 
To bring things full circle, 
Swept Away borrows its story 
line from Sir James Barrie's 
play The Admirable Crichton. It 
was filmed in 1918 and remade 
one year later as Male and Fe- 
male—by Cecil В. DeMille.—La 


Natural ame erican Spirit 
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For a sample CARTON call: 


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PLAYBOY 


36 


female ensemble. This 
film is a lighthearted 
whodunit, designed 
and photographed as 
if it were a lush Fif- 
ties Hollywood melo- 
drama. The lone male 
in the story is mur- 
dered, and one of 
the women is respon- 
sible. Is it wealthy 
widow Catherine 
Deneuve, canny mis- 
tress Fanny Ardant, 
meddlesome moth- 
er-in-law Danielle 
Darrieux, snippy sis- 
ter-in-law Isabelle 
Huppert or suspi- 
cious housemaid Emman- 
uelle Béart? It's hard to tell, and after a 
while, it’s hard to care, but it’s great fun 
watching these beautiful women going 
through their paces—and breaking into 
song! I only wish director Ozon had con- 
trived a better vehicle for them. 

It's difficult to look forward to another 
film about the Holocaust, but Tim Blake 
Nelson's The Grey Zone has a good story to 
tell and a fresh point of view. It's based 
on the memoirs of a doctor who con- 
ducted experiments on his fellow Jews 
in order to save himself and his family. 
What will a person do to stay alive? How 
far will he go? Those are the questions 
that resonate in this film, based on Nel- 
son's stage play of the same name. Steve 
Buscemi, Harvey Keitel, Mira Sorvino, 


The hurly-burly Rules of Attraction. 


Natasha Lyonne, Daniel Benzali, Allan 
orduner and David Arquette (whose sol- 
atic performance may surprise 
ers) make the most of this po- 


tent material. 

I lost interest in, and my appctite for, 
The Rules of Attraction in one of its first 
scenes, where a young man who is anally 
raping a semiconscious coed throws up 
on her. James Van Der Beek stars as 
Sean Bateman in this so-called prequel 
to American Psycho, written and directed 
by Roger Avary from Bret Easton Ellis" 
novel. How such an attractive cast was 
persuaded to enact this repellent story is 
a mystery to me. 


SCENE STEALER 


PATRICIA CLARKSON, CURRENTLY ON- 
SCREEN IN: Welcome to Collinwood, and 
Emmy nominated for her gueststar- 
ring role on Six Feel Under. MOST 
HIGHLY PRAISED: For her extraor- 
dinary performance as German 
actress Greta Krauss in High. 

Art (1998). CAN SHE WATCH 
HERSELF? “1 have enormous 

trouble doing that. I love do- 

ing the work, I love shooting 

the movie, preparing the 

character, but once it's. 

done, I end up being 

very critical of myself. 

Eventually, you have 

to watch yourself so 

you can get better." 

WHAT WAS IT LIKE 

DOING SCENES WITH 

JACK NICHOLSON 

IN THE PLEDGE? "It's 

kind of what you 

would expect, be- 

cause he's so relaxed, 

soin the moment and so 

alive." YOU'RE ADVENTUR- 

OUS IN YOUR CHOICES— 

YOU PLAY A WIDE RANGE 


ОР CHARACTERS IN ALL KINDS OF FILMS. 
“That's what 1 like. You know, you can 
only map out so much, and that's the 
beauty of film; it all happens right 
there, and that's the excitement I 
love, never knowing what's go- 

ing to happen that day." WHAT 
COMES WITH BEING ON A HIGH- 
PROFILE TV SHOW LIKE SIX FEET 
UNDER? “I couldn't really go 
anywhere. I was stopped on 

the street by a man who 

wanted to talk about Aunt 

Sarah. It's incredibly flat- 

tering.” HAVING GROWN 

UP IN NEW ORLEANS, DID 

YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD. 

TO LOSE YOUR ACCENT? 

“I went to Yale Drama 

School, and they pound. 

it out of you! I have 

to be careful, because 

sometimes it vill come 

back, and when I'm 

doing a Southern char- 

acter, as І am in David 

Gordon Green's new mov- 

ie, All the Real Girls, 1 just 

let it all hang ош." —Lm. 


SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 
The Banger Sisters Goldie Hawn and Su- 
san Sarandon are great fun to watch 
as former groupies who meet again 
after 20 years, after their lives have 
taken divergent paths. The story won't 
stand up to scrutiny, but this enter- 
taining fluff is a perfect vehicle for its 
stars. Geoffrey Rush costars. ¥¥/2 
Blood Work Clint Eastwood is in good 
form as a retired FBI profiler who 
takes on a case because of a personal 
connection. Entertaining until the all- 
too-obvious finale. Wh 
City by the Sea Robert De Niro plays 
an NYC homicide detective whose 
estranged son is the chief suspect of 
a murder in the seaside community 
where the detective grew up. Based 
on a true story, the film grows dreary 
and deriyative all too soon. yy 
Das Experiment This import is a bold, 
compelling piece of fiction, perfectly 
suited to the Survivor-Big Brother era, 
about 20 men who participate in a 
behavioral experiment in which they 
pretend to be in prison for two weeks, 
some as inmates and some as guards. 
"Things go terribly wrong. yvy 
Punch-Drunk Love Adam Sandler and 
Emily Watson star in Paul Thomas 
Anderson's twisted take on a roman- 
tic comedy. Anderson is a unique tal- 
ent, but this film is strange just for the 
sake of being strange. vx 
Road to Perdition Tom Hanks and Paul 
Newman star in this superb Depres- 
sion-era drama about sin and re- 
demption, fathers and sons. Easily 
the best film of 2002 so far. УУУУ 
Signs Mel Gibson stars in the latest 
from M. Night Shyamalan, but this 
portentous tale of alien visitors and 
loss of faith works only on the most 
superficial level—as a scare movie. ¥¥ 
Simone Al Pacino is always worth 
watching, but this concoction about a 
down-and-out director who brings a 
computerized actress to life is just 
a one-joke idea. Уу 
Tadpole Sigourney Weaver inspires 
lust in her stepson, but it’s her best 
friend, Bebe Neuwirth, who brings it 
to fruition. A short, sweet comedy. YYY 
Welcome to Collinwood William H. Ma- 
cy, Luis Guzmán, Michael Jeter and 
Patricia Clarkson head the ensemble 
in this quirky, low-key comedy about. 
a group of small-timers who try to pull 
off a big heist. Co-producer George 
Clooney also has a small part. YY 
xxx Vin Diesel flexes his movie-star 
muscles in this audacious, often silly, 
but entertaining action-spy saga. ¥¥¥ 


YYYY Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


YY Worth a look 
¥ Forget it 


TRY 


and do it responsibly 


ШИШ 


Andrew Davis (The Fugitive), whose thril- 
ler Holes is due out in December, enjoys 
American classics from the Sixties, as well 
as Seventies European art-house films. “I 
love Dr. Strangelove and Tom Jones," says 
Davis. "I started as a cameraman, so I'm 
a fan of Haskell Wexler's Medium Cool, 
which is about a 


cameraman at the 


1968 Democratic 
National Conven- 
tion in Chicago. 
And | enjoy early 
European films 
such as Bertoluc- 
ci's The Spider's 
Stratagem, Lelouch's 
Happy New Year and 
The Emigrents 
with Liv Ullmann 
and Max von 
Sydow." 

— LAURENCE 

LERMAN 


IMPERFECT FUTURE TENSE 


If cinema had its prescient way, we'd all 
be mindless cogs in a corporate machine 
ruled by apes. Hey, wait a minute. - - 
any case, next month's release of Minor 
ty Report reminds us that the future ain't 
what it used to be. 

Things to Come (1936): In 2035 survivors 
of a decades-long war, dressed in space- 
age tunics with flared shoulders, rise up 
to protest the first attempt to send a man 
to the moon. H.G. Wells was a little off 
on his moon-shot date, but those cos- 
tumes are hip. 

The Handmaid's Tale (1990): Feminine in- 
fertility is the rule in “the recent future,” 
so husbands are permitted to impreg- 
nate voluptuous young surrogate moth- 
ers while their wives offer encourage- 
ment at the bedside. If that's the future, 
what are we waiting for? 

Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984): Freethinking 
and free love have been outlawed, and 
the Thought Police will reeducate you if 
you attempt either. Thankfully, George 
Orwell's oppressive vision hasn’t come to 
pass... yet. 

Logan’s Run (1976): In 2274 we not only 
don't trust anyone over 30, but we also 
Kill them on their 30th birthday to bz 
ance the population, so sayeth the com- 
puters. What ever happened to respect- 
ing your elders? 

A Boy and His Dog (1975): After a nuclear 
apocalypse, the surviving women must 
hide from horny men. Vic (Don John- 
son) trades food with his telepathic dog, 


38 Blood, who in turn sniffs out the chicks. 


Good boy! Now fetch. 

Brazil (1985): Terry Gilliam's intensely vi- 
sual satire of a sexless, totalitarian future 
has outlived its original scathing reviews 
to become a favorite. But we knew even 
then it was smart, stylish and ahead of 
its time. 

Metropolis (1927): In Fritz Lang’s silent 
classic, overlords oppress slave laborers 
until Freder, one of the ruling class, falls 
for Maria, a tomato from the pits. She 
ends up being replaced by an android 
and Freder doesn't know the difference. 
Now, there's an idea. 

Jetsons: The Movie (1990): Corporate chief- 
tain Cosmo Spacely sends expendable 
employee George Jetson to an asteroid, 
where he will either enhance production 
of sprockets or die at the paws of fuzzy 
rebels. Serious stuff. — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


Produced in a frenzy, yet so perfect that 
it remains the gold standard among rock- 
and-roll movies, A Hard Day’s Night re- 
turns to DVD (Miramax, $30) in a two- 
disc set that’s sure to rank among the 
highlights of the holiday season. Director 
Richard Lester's quasi documentary de- 
picting the Beatles in their frantic first 
days on U.S. shores has been cleaned up 
and remastered for this release. And the 
classic soundtrack is presented for the 
first time in Dolby Digital 5.1. The set 
features a new documentary (Things They 
Said Today) that includes dozens of in- 
terviews with people who worked on 
the film, from Lester and cinematogra- 


ood 


Cumming Soon 
($20, from Trash 
Palace, trashpal 
ace.com) presents 
30 theatrical trail- 
ers that advertise 
classic XXX mov- 
ies of the Seven- 
ties in one or- 
giastic 74-minute 
DVD. No teasing 
previews here. 
There are explicit 
money shots in all of them, though we lost 
count after 69. The collection captures 
porn in all its grind-house glory, with 
campy narration, lurid go-go music, lovely 
all-natural breasts and more pubic hair 
than anyone's seen in eons. The only 
things missing are the plots, if there ever 
were any. Eruption, Deep Throat, Pastries, 
Cherry Truckers—they're all here, along 
with John Holmes, Linda Lovelace, Harry 
Reems and others. —BM. 


pher Gilbert Taylor to actors whose bit 
parts in the film remain high points in 
their careers. Behind-the-scenes footage 
and photos include shots of Paul Mc- 
Cartney's lost solo scene with British ac 
tress Isla Blair. Disc producer Martin 
Lewis even corralled hairdresser Betty 
Glasow, who tended to the Fab Four's fa- 
mous mop tops. ^ —GREGORY P FAGAN 


THRILLER 


Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire as the original webcaster and 
Kirsten Dunst os his sweetheart; unavoidable fun), The tord of 
the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (special edition adds half 
an hour to the theatrical take; well bite). 


Panic Room (a jeopardized Jodie Foster has one in her new 
home, fortunately; a nail-biting Home Alone for grown-ups), 
койу (God directs dad to enlist his young sons in ax mur- 
ders; directorial debut о! actor Bill Paxton is a chiller) 


WEIRD CRIME 


Scotland, PA (Macbeth set in a greasy spoon, Christopher 
Walken, os Lieutenant McDuff, outs the damned spol), The 
Salton Sea (tattooed Val Kilmer tracks his wife's killer: twisty 
drama elevated by Vincent D’Onofrio's zany turn). 


IMPORT 


Monsoon Wedding (it rains, it pours; ensemble comedy by 
Salaam Bombay director Mira Nair is exotically clichéd), The 
Son's Room (parents grieve for a dead son in this Cannes 
Palme d'Or winner; an Italian in the Bedroom) 


COMEDY 


ly—by anxiety in his latest; middling Wood-man). 
ee 


Big Trouble (mobsters, thugs and suburbanites collide; in- 
spired bits lift director Barry Sonnenfeld's ensemble farce), 
Hollywood Ending (Woody Allen is a director blinded—iiteral- 


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39 


By MARK FRAUENFELDER 
SUE A SPAMMER 
By day, Ben Livingston is research director at Infoworld, a 


popular business technology magazine. By night, he sues tele- 
marketers, junk faxers and spammers. Best of all, he wins, 
and he doesn't have to use a lawyer. Livingston has collected 
thousands of dollars by filing suit against all manner of solicit- 
ing sleazeballs in small-claims court. Usually, the spammers 
settle before going to trial, thanks to Livingston's well-worded 
letters. The ones who ignore his lawsuits end up ruining their 
credit records. On his site, smallclaim.info, Livingston ex- 
plains how he does it. He also provides a list of the different 
junk solicitation laws in each state (California and Washington 
have especially strong antispam laws). It’s not simple to file a 
suit in small-claims court. You have to fill out forms and serve 
the papers to the defendant, both of which cost time and mon- 
cy. But if people can learn from Ben Livingston, e-mail in- 
boxes will be a better place. 


ZEN AND THE ART OF SMALL CLAIMS 


THE ART OF EBOY 


Many artists who 
use computers don't. 
acknowledge that 
their images are dig- 
itally produced. But 
not the guysat cBoy. 
This small group 
of artists from thc 
U.S. and Germany 
are proud of their 
pixilated heritage. 
EBoy's illustrations 
look like comput- 
er games from the 
Eighties, only edgier 
and sexier. They re- 
cently published a 
book of their work, 
а 500-page tome that 
is loaded with col- 
or renditions of babes, monsters, robots, cars and freaky 
cityscapes, along with photographs of the eBoys themselves. 
You can order the book and check out sample pages by visit- 
ing eboy.com/pages/book. 


Beam your 


with 


BE A RADIO STATION 


I have a cassette adapter that lets me play music from my iPod 
and portable CD player through my car's stereo system. But 
5 а hassle to use, with the extension cord dangling out of the 
assette slot, and the thing is useless in cars that have CD play- 
ers instead of cassette players. I gave up using the adapter af- 
ter paying $30 for a little device called the irock 300w. This 
gadget wirelessly broadcasts music from any audio player to a 
car radio or home stereo. I put my iPod in the car's cuphold- 
er and plug the irock into it. Then I tune the radio to a spe- 
cific frequency, and the music on my iPod comes through the 
car's speakers. I also use the irock and iPod around the house, 
transmitting music to boom boxes and stereos from up to 30 
40 feet. You can order one online at myirock.com. 


[ШЕ НҮ CASE: МЕИ CONTACT [ШШШ ۹ 


PHOTOGRAPHY HINTS FROM THE FONZ 


I'm a lousy photographer. My wife says, “Uh-oh” whenever I 
pull out a camera and start shooting. I decided it was time to 
improve my photography skills and found a site called take 
greatpictures.com. This nonprofit site (sponsored by the 
companies that are interested in having you take as many pic- 
tures as possible, such as Kodak, Canon and Nikon) has ar- 
ticles and tutorials about getting the best shots possible. I 
visited the section called “Celebrities Who Shoot” and was im- 
pressed with the work ofactor and director Henry Winkler. I 
got in touch with him and asked if he could share some tips. 
"Don't be intimidated by technology," he told me. “1 know 
nothing about f-stop or shutter speed; I just shoot what my 
eye likes, what's emotionally compelling." After Winkler gets 
his film developed, he uses a small cardboard framing device 
on the prints he likes, to help him decide how to crop the pho- 
tos. Be sure to check out the work of other celebrity photog- 
raphers on the site, including Tyra Banks and Rudy Giuliani. 


BLISSFUL BIRTHDAY GIFT 


I learned early on that my wife considers a gift 
such as a Walkman or video camera to be as ap- 
pealing as getting a case of tractor axle grease. She 


elebrities Who Shoot - Article 


Henry Winkler 
Actor/Producer Director 


lunes to your 
receiver 

the-irock! 
300W: less 


wants to be pampered on 
her birthday. She'll take 
ЕТИ a massage or а manicure 

> over an MP3 player any 
day. So for her birthday this year, | went to spafind 
er.com and bought a gift certificate, redeemable 
at almost 1000 spas around the country. After she 
opened the envelope, she ran over to the computer and 
logged on to make sure her favorite spa was on the list. Then 
she came over and kissed me. 


QUICK HITS 


Whatever happened to Eddie Munster? Learn the fate of fa- 
vorite child stars at members.tripod.com/— former child star/ 
index-kids.html. Has someone stolen your identity? Find 
out how to protect yourself at consumer.gov/idtheft. . . - 
Lcarn about life on the other side of the fast-food counter by 
reading the diary of disgruntled ex-Burger King employees 
at geocities.com/capitolhill/lobby/2645/. . . . Control an inter- 
active skeleton (it's more fun than it sounds) at vectorlounge. 
com/04 amsterdam /jam/wireframe.html. . . . More weirdness 
is available from the folks at Cartoon Network: Carl's Freak- 
ing Strip Poker at adultswim.com/games/. 


You can contact Mark Frauenfelder by e-mail at livingonline 
@playboy.com. 


layboy v- 


THE WILD WORLD OF VOODOO 


“I named myself after my favorite Jimi 
Hendrix song, Voodoo Chile," says adult- 
film star Voodoo, who hosts Inside Adult 
on Playboy TV. "I got flak 

for it at first, but I wanted 


m 
k 


a name people would remember.” 
Before he landed the prime Playboy 
gig, Voodoo set off on a 5000-mile mo- 
torcycle trek from Canada to Florida to 

California with a friend. They were in 
search of the American dream. “Getting 
into the adult-entertainment industry 
was never part of our plan," says the 24- 
year-old. "But when we ran out of mon- 
ey in Los Angeles, we decided to work 
instead of selling the motorcycles and 
flying home. We met some people in the 
adult-movie industry and discovered it 
was extremely lucrative. Within days we 


'ODOO'S PORN 
SET SURVIVAL KIT 


а) 


Condoms 


(8) 


Lubrication without nonoxynol 9, 
because “It stings pussies and 
numbs your dick." 


Baby wipes 
The script 


were on a set getting blow jobs for $100 
2 pop. I probably did 100 movies that. 
first month, four or five scenes a day." 
Soon after, Voodoo fell in love with and 
married bondage model and porn ac- 
tress Nicole Sheridan. “We had sex the 
day we met," says Voodoo. “We clicked 


Clockwise from top: 
Just another workday 
for Voodoo and his 

wife, Nicole Sher- 


on an emotional level and sealed it with 
a physical encounter. She is the love of 
my life.” Voodoo and his wife often work 
together on films. “Nicole and I shot 
a scene doing an anal pile driver on a 
swinging pendulum bed,” he says. “My 
penis is thick—plus, it's nine inches long, 
and Nicole is known 
for being able to ac- 
commodate it. We get 
hired for extreme 
situations.” On the 
website Nicolesher 
idan.com, Voodoo 
gives advice in a sec- 
tion called Voodoo's 
Sex Lounge. He al- 
so has ideas for 
his work on Inside 
Adult (Wednesdays 
at 12:30 a.m. ET/ 
11:30 em. PT on 
Playboy TV). “I 
want to expand the 
program to show 
what really hap- 
pens behind the 
scenes on adult- 
film sets." If you 
have a kinky ques- 
tion for Voodoo, 
send him a note at 
insideadult@ 
playboy.com and 
he may answer it 
on the air. Our fa- 
vorite part of the 
show? When Voodoo demystifies adult- 
movie lingo. Here is Voo- 
doo's Pornology 101: 

Airtight: "When a girl 
is doing three guys at. 
the same time and all the 
holes are filled—ass, pus- 
sy and mouth." 

ATM: "Ass to Mouth. 
After you've fucked a girl 
in the ass, you pull your 
dick out and stick it in 
her mouth." 

Bukkake: "A Japanese 
form of degradation. A 
woran lies down and a 
group of 20 or more men 


idan; with Mi- 
chelle Loy on 
Night Calls; on 
the set of Inside 
Adult with Dru 
Berrymore. 


olds, 


rain 


Playboy is continuing i 
world's most desirable women with the 2003 Video 
Playmote Cole 
ine, o dozen Cenler- 
including S 
Moakler, Heother Spytek 
right) and h 
talk about their 
photo shoots. 
known everybody al 
‘BOY for almost five 


but sometimes don't get enough blood 
circulation to their penises. There’s a 
tendency to lose wood.” 


VOODOO'S FAVORITE 
PORN TITLES 
а) 
(2) 


(8) 
(4) 


Stop! My Ass Is on Fire 

John Friendly's Big and Small 
Anal Avenue. 

Big Boob Buffet 

(8) Cellar Dweller 
(6) 
С) 
(8) 
(9) 
(10) Butt Sluts 


Dirty Little Cocksuckers 
Eager Beavers 
Fast Times at Deep Crack High 


Lord of the Rims 


Double X: “An adult movie with no 
anal and no come shots.” 

DP: "Double penetration. One level 
under airtight." 

Edge: “A hard-on. The guy will say, 
"Hold on, I need to get my edge back.” 

Gonzo: “Amateur-style sex movies. No 
plots, no stories.” 

Happy ending: “When you come.” 

Pile driver: “When the woman is back- 
ward and the guy is on top. You have to 
bend your knees to make it work.” 


CALENDAR GIRLS 


annuol celebration of the 


dor. After revealing all in the moga- 


le No- 


“| had 


jerk off all over her. Some 
people have strong reac- 
tions to this, but it’s just 
come. It's not like they're 
spitting acid on her, al- 
though semen can sting if 
it gets in your eyes. Wom- 
en are paid a lot of mon- 
ey for this act.” 

Cowgirl: "When a girl 
is sitting on top, facing 
you. Girls have to use 
their leg muscles to pump 
themselves up and down. 
Guys are on their backs 


yeors, and we were 
always laughing on 
the set,” says Nicole. 
"Sine oming a 
Playmate, l've been 
recognized quite often 
on the street. There 


ore only a few hun- 
red Playmotes in 
world, ond “т 
lucky.” The calendor 
is ovailable October 
15 on DVD ond VHS 
at Ployboystore.com 


L— 


| layboy.com 


SHOOT TO THRILL 


Inside our cavernous Chicago photo stu- 
dio, a lithe model named Kori 

is stepping out 
of her pink 
panties while 
Tommy Lee 
snaps photos. 
The Motley 
Crue drum- 
mer turned 
solo artist has 
seen some of 
the most gor- 
geous women 
in the world 
naked—includ- 
ing Pamela An 
derson and his 
current squeeze, 
Mayte Garcia— 
but when Kori's 
clothes come off, 
he breaks into an 
enormous grin. 
“Is PLAYBOY look- 
ing for any staff 

photographers?” he asks. Lee has a his- 
tory of run-ins with tabloid shutter- 
bugs, but when playboy.com asked him 
to get on the other side of the lens, he 
said, “Hell, yeah!” faster than a paparaz- 
zo jumps out of the bushes. Lee, who 
was in Chicago on his recent tour, is the 
third rock star to sign on as a celebrity 
guest photographer for playboy.com, 


LOSING IT 


We asked some of our favorite 
celebrities: What was it like 
the first time? 


JACK BLACK 


“I was a senior in high 
school. I'd had an experience with a 
girl before that, but you can't real 
ly call it losing my virginity because 


joining Marilyn Manson— 
who photographed his girl- 
friend and Playboy mod- 
el Dita Von Teesc—and 
Bret Michaels of Poison. 
Lee wasted no time getting comfortable 
on the set. "Thar's hot," he said, as Kori 
disrobed. “This is fucking off the hook." 
After hi oot, Lee pulled away in his 
stretch limo and yelled, *That didn't 
suck!” 

After Poison's Chicago show, Michaels 
teamed up with Jackie, a blonde who 
went backstage to meet the band, for an 
impromptu dressing-room pictorial. As 


it was only dry-humping. Our genitals 
were rubbing up against each other 
with just a thin piece of fabric between 
us. It felt fantastic, but I shot my load 
pants. Very embarrassing 

was sweet about it 


in my 


NELLY ey “The girl was 15 and I 
2. I lied and told her Î was older 
s a little hot a 
grandparents’ house. I don't remem 
ber it lasting too long, though.” 


It was at my 


TOMMY LEE: "I was 13 years old. It 
was with the girl next door. My sister 
walked in and saw me fucking the girl 
on the floor in the garage, where I 
used to have a little drum room. She 
freaked. And because it was her best 
friend, she told my parents. Fuck, it 
was all bad, dude." 


SARAH SILVERMAN; "I thought I 
lost it when I was 18. He put on a con. 
dom and was pushing against me. 1 
thought that was sex, so I was per 
plexed when he gave up and said, ‘I's 
not like the movies, Sarah.’ He left 


Jackie shed her clothes for the camera, 
Bret coached her like a pro. “You have 
the total attitude, Jackie,” he said. “Toss 
your hair in front of your face. Yeah, that 

s a fuckin’ bitchin’ shot. I’ve taken a few 
naked photos in my day. Rock and roll 
fuckin’ rules.” See more of Kori and Jack- 
ie at playboy.com, and look for more ce- 
lebrity photographers in the future. 


CYBER GIRL 
oF THE MONTH 


Brittany Evans 
Birth dote: August 
29, 1975. Previous 
‘employer: Outbock 
Steokhouse. Don't. 
tell Dad: "I used 

to sneak into his 
room and look at 
PLAYBOY." Most em- 
borrassing mo- 
ment: “When | met 
Hef at the Man- 
sion, | fell down the 
grand stairway, 
londing in o heap 
with one shoe on 
and one ot the top 
of the stairs.” Last 
greot vacation: o 
Disney cruise. My 
definition of a sexy woman: “Someone 
who's confident and loughs a lot.” 


and I sat in my sister's apartment 
thrilled that I'd bad sex. The follow 
ing year, 1 went home with a guy 1 was 
nuts about. He asked if I was a virgin 
I scoffed, ‘No!’ We had sex, through 
out which I thought, Oh, this is sex 
I've never done this before. 


ALYS NNIGAN 1 don't re 
gret my first time. It wasn't fireworks 
but I was glad it was with the guy it 
was with. I didn't know what the hell I 
was doing, but it was all right, It hurt 
It's a lot easier for guys. They just stick 
itin 


KIANA TOM: "It happened on my 
16th birthday. We drank Dom Pérignon 
out of Styrofoam cups. It lasted about 
45 seconds, foreplay included. That's 
all I remember. I'm so glad it's over. 

DAVID SPADE: "I was and it was 
ata party in high school. It went well 
She was awake through most of it." 


Read more first-time stories at playboy 
com/sex/feature/dirtydozen. 


ТМ All this for 
pe THOMPSON, 
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hinges, humidification system and hygrometer 
make it a veritable vault to protect your puros. 
This exquisitely fashioned humidor is hand- 
some enough to grace any smoker's desk. 

At the low, low price of $29.95 for a regular 
$79 value, this really is quite an offer. I'm 
making it to introduce new customers to 
Thompson & Co., America's oldest mail-order 
company. Since 1915 our customers have 
enjoyed a rich variety of cigars and smokers’ 
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For just $29.95 you will receive: 
(plus $4.95 shipping and handling) 


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44 


By ASA BABER 


AS YOU KNOW, our intelligence agencies 
and military forces do not have a firm 
grip on the multiple threats that terror- 
ism presents to our American way of life. 
The institutions designed to protect us 
from our enemies (both foreign and do- 
mestic) are in failure mode, and some- 
thing has to be done about it. If you stick 
with me, however, you will learn that our 
problems have just been solved, because 
Ace the Base is on the casc. 

On September 11, 2001, enemy mis- 
siles (in the form of airplanes loaded 
with jet fuel) bombed our mainland and 
killed thousands of people. That gen- 
uine tragedy made us feel vulnerable 
and afraid—justly so. Worse, our gov- 
ernment maintains to this day that we 
are not safe from similar attacks. Indeed, 
we are told, the next assault on our soil 
could be soon—and more deadly. 

What can be done to create a new or- 
ganization that can stop the terrorists 
who keep trying to infiltrate our borders 
and kill us? That is the question most 
Americans are asking today, and here is 
some good news. 

No longer will your fate be placed in 
the incompetent hands of America's gum- 
shoes, spooks, ground pounders, fly- 
boys, swabbies, jarheads, knuckle drag- 
gers and bureaucrats. I have just been 
appointed by the president of the U.S. 
as director of the Office of Homeland 
Security. Yes, Mr. and Ms. America, it's a 
whole new ball game now. 

“Go get 'em, Ace,” the president said 
to me. “The mopes who've been advis- 
ing me about terrorism have screwed the 
pooch, so I figure a jerk like you is as 
good as anybody to head that Office of 
Homeland Security deal I've been pimp- 
ing recently.” 

As the newly appointed director, my 
first goal was to provide myself with suit- 
able working conditions. At my request, 
the president asked Hugh Hefner to 
move out of the Playboy Mansion in 
Holmby Hills (leaving behind all requi- 
site perks, of course). And I am proud to 
report that Hef saluted sharply and com- 
plied immediately. 

1 now occupy the Mansion and plan to 
stay here for the duration of the terrorist 
threat, accompanied by the first all-fe- 
male Secret Service detail in history. No 
doubt about it, 1 will do my best work 
here especially in the Grotto, a spot I 
already cherish. 

1 was picked up by the president's 
radar when I won Dick Cheney's essay 
contest last year. The assigned topic was 
“What I Would Do on My Summer Vaca- 
tion if Saddam Hussein Kidnapped Me 
and Made Me Blow Him.” My response, 
written in iambic pentameter, charmed 


HOMELAND SECURITY 
GUARANTEED! 


the judges (Howard Stern and Hillary 
Rodham Clinton) and marked the mo- 
ment that my name became a symbo! of 
counterterrorist chic. 

Let me outline a few of the ideas I 
plan to implement for complete home- 
land security. If Congress approves my 
budget, I promise you that the Office of 
Homeland Security will be 100 percent 
effective. 

Program One: The Counterterrorism Ed- 
ucalion Campaign. Since the CIA and FBI 
and NSA and DIA and NRO and oth- 
er, unmentionable agencies, along with 
the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and 
Coast Guard, have failed us big time, the 
Office of Homeland Security must pick 
up the slack pronto. 

We are not safe within our borders; 
Uncle Sam has told us there are terrorist 
cells established here, just waiting to 
strike. Any day now, it is said, terrorists 
could receive secret signals from their 
masters and start to blister or irradiate 
or infect or obliterate America from 

ithin. They could strike anywhere, at 
any time. 

Uncle Sam has asked us to keep an eye 
out for such terrorist cells, but how can 
we do that? We have been given no edu- 
cation or training in the matter. Look 
around at your neighbors, your friends, 
even your family, and ask yourself if you 
could spot a terrorist in your midst. 

Once again you've come to the right 
place. Under my guidance, there isa 
way. On October 8, 2002, I will take total 
control of America and insist that we all 
learn the exotic techniques of counter- 
terrorism. It will take years, and it will 
involve huge sacrifices, but eventual- 
ly we'll all be prepared to do what we 


thought our government was supposed 
to do. 

Let me explain how this will work. Af- 
ter all Americans have been enrolled in 
our Safe Hamlet program (and relocat- 
ed to concentrated work camps near our 
nation's borders), they will be required 
to attend counterterrorism classes for 12 
hours a day, seven daysa week. They will 
learn the niceties of such things as street 
surveillance, wiretapping, silent assas- 
sination, poison gas detection, nuclear 
warfarc, biological warfarc, infiltration 
of enemy lines and computer hacking. 
The training will be rigorous, but the 
campaign will work because it has to. 

Program Two: Flashlights on Our Bor- 


Е ders. This program is designed to dove- 


tail with Program One. As director of 
Homeland Security, I will require all 
Americans to work beyond their daily 
classes in counterterrorism. Truth to tell, 
your nights are going to be as active as 
your days. 

After your classes you will be shipped 
to your assigned position on one of our 
national borders. You might be situat- 
ed near a bridge, a river, a highway, a can- 
yon or a mountaintop. 

We will provide you with camping 
gear, magazines, a portable toilet and 
bug spray. In return, the obligation you 
and your companions have each night is 
to turn on your flashlights and shine 
them straight into the sky, thereby pro- 
ducing a wall of light designed to sym- 
bolically shield us from all manner of ter- 
rorist threats. 

Imagine the debilitating effect this 
sight will have on an Al Qaeda terrorist 
as he tries to sneak toward one of our 
national boundaries (through the Cana- 
dian woods, for example) and cross into 
our fatherland. Watch him, with can- 
isters of VX nerve gas in his backpack, 
as he is suddenly confronted with the 
оп of millions of hardy Americans, 
standing almost shoulder to shoulder, 
their flashlights shining toward the stars 
as they sing the Homeland Security Anthem 
(“Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, 
hey hey hey, goodbye"). That terrorist 
will panic like a monkey on speed and 
suffer a nervous collapse, 1 can guaran- 
tee you. 

Congratulations, folks, With me in 
charge. we will soon be living unthreat- 
ened lives. 

My Homeland Security Tip for the Day: 
All terrorists are left-handed and pigeon- 
toed. They whistle when they work. 
They fart frequently (the odor has been 
compared to ostrich vomit), and when 
they meet in public, they exchange their 
top secret terrorist greeting, "Hey, how 


you doin’?” 


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Cruise Control 


Luxury watercraft are now more affordable. For $186,500, you can buy a 
share in the Fairline Squadron 62 luxury yacht pictured here from Yacht- 
smart of North America. This entitles you to four and a half weeks of 

er year to summer destinations in the Northeast or win- 

rts af call in the Southeast. You can sell your share 

time. An annual fee of $17,400 covers the costs 

да captain, insurance, cleaning, main- 

nance and seasonal movement af the 

icht. The only additional costs are 

end docking when the yacht 

not in its home port of An- 

napolis or Miami. "Luxury 
baat owners typically 
enjoy their vessels 

three to four 

weeks per 

year,” says 

Jonathan 

Metcalfe, 

one ofthe 

founders of 

Yachtsmart. 

“Yet they are 

still financially 

ible for 52 weeks. y Price comparison: A new Fairline Squadron 62 re- 

ог $1.7 million. Its annual upkeep: $213,000. The Fairline Squadron sleeps 
six and features a large master suite, two guest rooms and teak decks. 


Where Big Tunas Eat Pizza 


Fresco by Scotto on East 52nd in Monhotton is fomous for its 
clientele and its delicious home-style Itolion cooking. If you 
can't drop by to rub shoulders with Rudolph Giuliani, David 
Lettermon, Jason Giombi and The Today Show stoff, pick up 
o copy of Italian Comfort Food, which includes recipes for 
everything from 
grilled pizza 
margherita (right) to 
praline cookies. 
Anecdotes of the 
rich and famous are 
olso part of the text. 
At one dinner, Presi- 
dent Bill Clinton cel- 
ebroted his 14th an- 
niversary with 14 ice 
creom sandwiches— 
one for each guest. 
Hillary was served 
seven, six of which 
she possed around. 
Bill was served the 
other seven—all of 
which he ate him- 
self, Horper Collins 
is the publisher 
($25.95) 


Hangar High Test 


Hangar 1 vodkas are distilled in a rented military struc- 
ture on the farmer Alameda Naval Air Station in north- 
ern California. But you won't mistake these vodkas for 
slugs of airplane fuel. Jorg Rupf, of St. George Spirits 
{the distiller), infuses 
the vodka with real 
fruit, and it is then 
redistilled in a small 
pot still. Four BO 
proof vodkas are 
available: Buddha's 
Hand Citron [made 
from fruit so aromat- 
ic thal in China it’s 
used to perfume 
dwellings), Kaffir 
Lime (which derives 
its flavor from the 
lime used in Thai 
cuisine), Mandarin 
Blossom {which in- 
cludes tangerine 
flowers for increased 


48 


aroma) and an ex- 
ceptionally smooth Straight Vodka that's too good to 
mix with tonic. Try it in a martini that's served straight 
up. All are expensive. Hangar 1 Straight Vodka costs 
about $30 for a 750 ml bottle, while the fruit-infused 
versions are $36 each. Distribution will initially be limit- 
ed. For more information, see hangorone.com. 


^ 
Dave's Garage 
Want to attract a crowd? Drive a 2003 Nissan 3502 in 
а new color, Le Mons Sunset (below). The resurrected Z 
is a looker and a steal. Base price: $26,260, and Nis- 
car san expects 40 percent of total 
[ sales to be under $30,000. 
a | Our six-speed's handling was 
rock-solid. The low secting 
position takes a little getting 
used to, but when you're com- 
fortable the open road awaits. 
Make it a twisty one. BMW 
745i: Anybody willing to shell 
out $70,000 for this car had 
better have an engineering de- 
gree from Caltech. “Complex” 
hardly describes the car's iDrive 
and other systems. A valet 
cheot sheet is supplied and the 
instruction monval is as thick as the 
Philadelphia phone book. The 745i's mighty 4.4-liter 
УВ will get you to 60 mph in less than six seconds. 
Quick, but no fun if you're busy fiddling with the com- 
plicoted Logic 7 surround-sound stereo controls. Our 
choice for o Beemer? The VB BMW X5. It's a superb 
sport utility vehicle thot tumed heods everywhere and 
even owed a state trooper into not giving us a speeding 
ticket. Plus, the radio is easy to tune. _—DAVID STEVENS 


Clothesline: 
Raphael Sharge 


“The whole trick to 
looking good is not to 
try too hard,” says the 
star of CBS’ The Guard- 
ian. ^1 like outfits that 
cre relaxed and not too 
tight, with classic lines. 
It's also important to 
have one great suit that 
you spent money on. 
For me, it's a Valentino 
and an Armani. I'm al- 
so into used-clothing 
stores. | have a suede 
jacket that cost only $5. 
Out of the Closet on 
Fairfax in Los Angeles is 
а good place for vintage clothing—plus they give part of their 
money to AIDS research." Sbarge has one more piece of ad- 
vice: “Don't fall in love with your clothing. Just because some- 
thing looked good on you at 25 doesn't mean it does at 35. Al- 
so, dress for the city you live in. There are clothes | wear in Los 
Angeles, but wouldn't get caught dead wearing in New York." 


Guys Are Talking About... 


Remote control golf carts. So what if motorized caddies re- 
semble creatures from Men in Black Il. The MGI Navigator 
with twin motors (below) features a fold-down steel frame, a 
suspension and electronic system and—get this—on onboard 
compass that "understands" both direction and tilt angles. 
According to the manvfacturer, Motorized Golf Internotion- 
al USA, the Navigator's handheld tronsmitier is simpler to 
‚use than a TV remote and the battery is good for more than 
1B holes. Price: about $1550, including a lifetime warranty 
on the frame. * Traveling smarter. Fly Easy, a new title in 
Fodor’s FYI series, has condensed the wisdom of its travel 
editors and writers into a paperback. How to thwart luggage 
thieves, pick great seats and 

get an upgrade are all 

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Orn. of the greatest sax players of all time wanders the 


2 streets, homeless. A famous jazz drummer freezes because 


he can't afford to pay his heating bill. А world-reknowned 
bassist is deathly ill and doesn't have the money to see a 
doctor Tragie stories, but unfortunately all too common. 
And all too unfair. Many of our finest jazz musicians, men 


and women who have helped create America's greatest 


contribution to world culture, are ending their lives 
penniless. And while their music has made fortunes for 


others, they can't even afford health insurance. This is 


why a group of concerned jazz musicians, fans, and 


the Jazz Foundation of America have founded the 
Jazz Musician's Emergeney Fund. It's the first and only 
organization of its kind. Dedicated to giving something 


back to those deserving artists who have given us so much. 


Lots of people save old 
jazz albums. But how often do 
-— you have the chance to save 


an old jazz musician? 


We're providing 

medical care, legal advice and career counseling. And 
helping them cope with financial emergencies. We have 
already accomplished a great deal. But so much more needs 
to be done. For more information, to make a tax-deductible 
donation or to find out how you сап become 
a volunteer, call us today at 1-800-JPA-JAMS. Or write 


us at 322 W. 48 SE. 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10036. 


And help us keep the music alive. 


The Jazz Foundation of America ix a not-for-profit corporaliom ay exempt under 301 (0) GD) of the Internal Revenue code, OF AMERICA 


Bine Playboy Advisor 


I dropped $400 on Enzyte, a product 
that claims it can increase the size of a 
man's penis by an average of 24 percent. 
It goes so far as to instruct the user to 
discontinue use if he gets too big for 
his lover's vagina. I used a full dose for 
about three months and saw no change. 
How can this company adyertise such 
great results? Doesn't the government 
regulate claims like these?—T.R., Seat- 
Це, Washington 

Unless a company says its over-the-count- 
er product prevents or cures disease, the 
FDA doesn't investigate. As a result, you see 
a lot of bullshit about herbal mixtures that 
allegedly can add as much as four inches to 
your length. Save your money. Dr. Stephen 
Barrelt, vice president of the National Coun- 
cil Against Health Fraud and editor of Quack 
watch.com, says all penis-enlargement pills 
should be regarded as fakes. In fact, he has 
yet to find a mail-order health product that 
lives up to its claims, and he's been searching 
for 25 years. Many readers have asked the 
Advisor about Longitude, а big-dick pill con- 
taining zinc, yohimbe, oyster meat, oal straw, 
cayenne, pumpkin seed, licorice root, boron, 
ginseng and other ingredients, In May, Ari- 
zona lau enforcement and U.S. Customs of- 
ficials seized $30 million worth of homes, of- 
fices, luxury cars, jewelry, bank accounts 
and cash from the three principals of the 
company (two guys and one guy's mother) 
that marketed Longitude over the Internet, 
on the Howard Stern show and in men’s 
magazines such as Maxim and Penthouse. 
Enzyte is smarter about the pitch; it refuses 
to offer a money-back guarantee (which is 
what got the makers of Longitude in trou- 
ble), never promises that changes will be per- 
manent and notes that the product “doesn't 
work for everyone.” The only evidence it pre- 
sents is a survey of 100 customers, nearly all 
satisfied. Dr. Barrett says not to put too much 
value in testimonials, which ave often solicit- 
ed with cash or free products. 


| like to suck on a girl's nose like a nipple 
while we're playing with each other. It 
gives me a sense of control. I thought I 
might be the only person out there with 
this fetish until I read an online fiction 
story in which two girls tongue-fucked 
each other's noses. Have you ever heard 
of this?—J.R., Kansas City, Missouri 

No. But practice safe sex and have her 
blow first. 


| was surprised and disappointed with 
the Advisor's narrow-minded assertion 
in August that leather pants should be 
worn only if one is "trying out for the 
Village People." I know I wasn’t the only 
person in leather pants at Hef's Friars 
Club roast, and I've seen many photos 


in PLAYBOY of Mansion guests in leather 
pants—and not just the Village People. 
Is Hef surrounding himself with shabby 
dressers, or were you implying that the 
panache required for such clothing is be- 
yond the means of the common man?— 
PR., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

In our view, leather belongs on shoes, 
belts, coats and cows. 


М, wife and I have been married for 10 
years. Last summer, a friend we hadn't 
seen since our wedding stayed with us. 
On the first evening, we sat by the pool 
and had drinks. I took a quick swim and 
went inside to shower. When I stepped 
out to dry off, my wife and her friend 
were standing in the bathroom. I was 
surprised but neither woman seemed 
concerned. Our friend made a com- 
ment about how nice it was to have a na- 
ked man around. She moved closer and 
started rubbing my butt, telling my vife 
how nice and round it was. I thought 
that was as far as it would go, but my wife 
got on her knees and gave me head until 
the friend asked, "Can I have some?" My 
wife said, “Sure, ГИ share.” We ended up 
in the living room and had a great time. 
I found out later my wife had arranged 
the visit so we could fulfill our fantasy of 
having a threesome. Is this experience 
out of the ordinary? Even though it was 
scary to go through with it, we feel that it 
strengthened our relationship. What's 
your opinion?—C.E., Paris, Illinois 

Our opinion? You're a lucky guy. Three- 
somes happen, but it’s always hard to predict 
how they'll turn out. Many couples find that 
adding a third isn't nearly as exciting as their 
fantasies. Others are shocked to discover their 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


guest brought along her oum expectations. 
Still others enjoy sharing so much it becomes 
ahabit. We're curious about the experiences, 
good and/or bad, that other readers have had 
(visit playboyadvisor.com/threesome). 


lam engaged to a woman I have known 
for 10 months. I loye her, but we keep 
going through a vicious cycle of fighting, 
talking about a breakup, then deciding 
to commit. She's insecure, touchy-feely, 
fairly immature and has no interest in 
anything I’m into. She hasn't gone out 
with her friends since we started seeing 
each other, and she throws a fit when I 
go out with mine. I have never made 
love to her without fantasizing about 
someone else. My problem is that I'm 
conflicted about going through with the 
wedding. I know 1 just rattled off an as- 
tounding list of negatives, but I have 
feelings for this woman. She is the first 
girlfriend Гуе had in four years. | keep 
thinking I love her, I should be mature, 
that we ought to work things out and 
make a life together. ГП be 28 soon, and 
I don't want to break someone's heart so 
Ican comb the city for the next however 
many years for someone who might be 
better for me but may not exist. Can you 
help?—L. J., Louisville, Kentucky 

That is an astounding list of negatives. 
Lots of guys talk themselves past obstacles 
and do something they regret. Don't be one of 
them. The fear of being alone is not a reason. 
to get married. 


| пу every week for business on a red- 
eye. I am usually asleep before takeoff. 
My problem is that I always get an erec- 
tion during final approach. This is em- 
barrassing when I have to stand after 
landing to get my bag from the over- 
head. I've had to cover myself with a 
jacket or fake stomach cramps. I'm not 
thinking sexual thoughts. Gould it be 
the thin air or is it just my body's natural 
reaction to the stress of flying? Please 
help.—B.T., Los Angeles, California 

We get erections on flights too, but they 
go away when the stewardesses sit down. 
If you're taking red-eyes, you're experienc- 
ing morning wood. Nothing to worry about. 
You get them at home as well, but your bed 
doesn't vibrate like a giant sex toy and you 
aren't feeling tlie anxiety of speeding 30,000 
feet above the earth. Sit near the back of the 
plane so you have more time to recover. 


In September you stated that in eight- 
ball billiards, “the balls can be racked in 
any order as long as the cight sits at the 
center.” During long nights working at a 
pool hall in Milwaukee, I kept busy read- 
ing the rules of the Billiard Congress of 


51 


PLAYBOY 


America. It says that the balls should be 
racked with the eight ball in the center, a 
striped ball in one corner and a solid ball 
in the other corner. Every time I play, 
someone questions why I place opposite 
balls in the corners. What can 1 say? I 
like a proper rack as much as the next 
guy—S.S., Portland, Oregon 

We were waiting for that joke. You're right 
about the BCA rules, but we cited the Ameri- 
can Poolplayers Association. Rack ет as you 
like 'em. 


1 went home from college for the week- 
end and my girlfriend, who I hadn't 
seen in two months, confused the hell 
out of me. We went out to lunch, then 
back to my place, and I was expecting to 
get it on. Instead she told me that things 
were different now. She wanted to talk 
and sort out her feelings. She left before 
I could convince her to have sex. Later 
that night we went out and she dressed 
really sexy. When we got back to my 
place she fucked my brains out. This 
has become a pattern whenever 1 come 
home. She first rejects me, then fulfills 
my every desire. My friends say it’s be- 
cause she doesn’t want to feel like a slut 
by giving it up the first time she sees me 
in two months. What does the Advisor 
think? —M.N., Los Angeles, California 

Your friends are on the right track. It 
sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t want to 
el that you're home just to fuck her, so she 
ify and reaffirm the relationship. 
Once that’s taken care of, she's ready for sex. 
This pattern occurs in other relationships, 
but yours is being conducted long-distance, 
so everything is condensed. 


Whenever 1 initiate sex with my hus- 
band, it turns into a blow job. I don’t 
mind, but when I'm done, he says he's 
tired and rolls over. If I ask for some- 
thing in return, he says, “I promise, to- 
morrow night,” but tomorrow never 
comes. I've resorted to pleasing myself&— 
right in front of him. Any suggestions?— 
GT, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 

Quil extending credit. It’s like a fire 
sale—when the door opens, you have to grab 
what you want. Once you have your husband 
erect, lake charge of his cock and use it for 
your own pleasure. He'll get his along the 
way. Tell him you'll blow him anytime he 
wants, but only if you're sitting on his face. 
Wake him up with a wet pussy in his mouth. 
Sit him on the bed, blow him until he's moan- 
ing, then shove him on his back and climb 
aboard. One lick for him, two for you. That's 
the formula. Tape it to the refrigerator so he 
won't forget. 


Can the Advisor provide any tips on 
how to meet women in the classroom?— 
J-M., Shreveport, Louisiana 

You've come to the right place. Back in 
the day, we put the stud in studious. College 
classrooms are ideal places to meet women— 


52 you have a common interest (passing the 


course), plus you see each other a few times 
each week. That gives her lime to size you 
up, and it gives you repeated chances to chat. 
Here are two lines that worked for us: “Hi” 
and “Is this seat taken?” Introduce yourself, 
ask if she enjoys the class, find out where's 
she from—you know the drill. If she’s friend- 
ly (or, hell, even if she's not), ask if she'd like 
to make a study date or have a cup of coffee. 
If she declines, express disappointment, but 
don't give up. Continue to say hello. You may 
grow on her—and if she misses a class, you 
can offer a copy of your notes with your num- 
ber at the top. 


Im buying a stereo system. Do I need а 
subwoofer?—P.L., San Antonio, Texas 

You can probably live without one unless 
you watch a lot of action movies. If you most- 
ly listen to music, and your speakers can re- 
produce frequencies down to 40 Hz, you 
won't notice much improvement. Humans 
can hear as low as 20 Hz, but there's not a 
lot going on of musical interest between 20 
and 40 cycles, which is the octave processed 
by most subwoofers. The lowest note on a rock 
album is typically the low E produced by 
an electric bass, which hits about 41 Hz. In 
classical music, booming orchestral drums 
occasionally reach the low 30s. Outside of 
home theater use, a subwoofer is necessary 
only if your speakers are not flat to 40 Hz or 
if your listening room is an acoustical disas- 
ter. Expect to pay at least $400, and resist 
buying used equipment. Subwoofers are of- 
ten abused, and their quality has improved 
dramatically over the past decade, perhaps 
more than any other component. Today’s mod- 
els are much less boomy and sluggish and 
provide more-flexible controls. 


| have been seeing a married woman for 
a couple of years and we care deeply 
about each other, She has chosen to stay 
in her marriage for the sake of her chil- 
dren, who will be out of high school in 
two years. Recently, she caught me fool- 
ing around. I don't feel she should judge 
me too harshly since I don’t question or 
pressure her about her relationship with 
her husband. I've told her that once we 
are together as a couple I won't be un- 
faithful. She replied that if she catches 
me screwing around again, she will end 
our relationship. I love this woman but I 
don't agree with her logic. What does 
the Advisor think?—E.N., Minneapolis, 
Minnesota 

You strayed because you thought you had 
the right to fuck around. That’s one of the 
primary reasons single guys date married 
women. We suspect you knew all along she 
expected you to be faithful. Sounds like it's 
time to call this one off, 


This past July, a reader asked about 
whether a foot massage could help him 
get laid. You should have let a foot fe- 
tishist answer the question. Don't bother 
with oil or lotion. Instead, use a hot tow- 
cl. This will help if the woman is con- 


cerned about odor. When the towel has 
cooled, set it aside and continue the mas- 
sage with your hands but finish with 
your mouth and tongue. Light nibbling 
and licking on the soles and between her 
toes will drive her crazy. Take three, four 
or five toes in your mouth and lick be- 
tween and around rapidly. This tech- 
nique will help any guy get laid.—H.G., 
Greenville, South Carolina 
Sure, if she can get you to stop. 


My ex-girlfriend asked me, “If you got 

an invitation, would you come to my 

wedding?” We dated for seven years and 

we've been apart for 18 months. Should 

I go?—J.T, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 
Do you want to go? 


After reading the letter in July from the 
guy who described his experiences with 
analingus, 1 decided to share mine. I've 
been licking women’s asses for more 
than 30 years. It started with my wife. 
We were in a 69 and I found her cute 
ass inches from my nose. Later we be- 
came swingers, and I managed to get my 
tongue into the asses of dozens of wom- 
en. A few were reluctant, but I won them 
over. (A buddy once persuaded an up- 
tight librarian he was dating to let him 
try analingus; before long she was show- 
ing up at all hours saying, “Get on your 
knees, you disgusting pervert, and lick 
my ass like a good boy.”) 

When licking a woman's ass, it is im- 
portant to be as hygienic as possible. Use 
an antibacterial soap to prepare, and 
never lick her ass and then move to her 
pussy. After you've finished, wash your 
mouth with antibacterial soap, then gar- 
gle with mouthwash and warm water. 
For best results, puta bit of Vaseline and 
a mild skin rub that contains menthol 
on your tongue (but again, don't go near 
her pussy). 

If you want to see something erotic, 
watch women lick each other. We were 
at an orgy once when one woman bet 
another that she couldn't lick her own 
pussy. She lost the bet and, as a result, 
had to lick the woman's asshole. They 
put on quite a show. The other females 
oohed and aahed. The men were mostly 
silent, half blown out of their minds — 
W.R., Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania 

Thanks for sharing. You know you're at a 
hot party when analingus is the icebreaker. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if Ihe writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month, Write the 
Playboy Advisor, pLAvBoy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


community of Vernonia, Ore- 

gon (population 3000) decided 
it had a drug problem. The student 
body was in a "state of rebellion fu- 
eled by alcohol and drug abuse, as 
well as misperceptions about the drug 
culture.” The alleged problem was dis- 
ruptive and explosive. 

The evidence was pretty slim. Ad- 
ministrators noted several instances 
of head-butting, swearing and gener- 
al defiance. One student had sat in 
the back of a classroom singing ‚Jesus 
Loves Me. The football coach began to 
suspect the athletes under his charge 
were drug impaired, 
in part because the 
team couldn't run a 
simple play without 
making mistakes. A 
wrestler had suffered 
an injury. Suddenly 
jocks were the "lead- 
ers of an aggressive lo- 
cal drug culture that 
had reached epidemic 
proportions.” Officials 
brought in a drug- 
sniffing dog, gave stern 
lectures at assemblies 
and then came up with 
the novel idea of hav- 
ing athletes pee into 
cups. After 500 tests 
over four and a half 
years, a dozen students tested posi- 
tive. Some epidemic. 

A seventh-grade football player 
and his parents challenged the pro- 
cedure. In 1995 the U.S. Supreme 
Court ruled that drug testing was not 
an unreasonable search or seizure. 
Justice Antonin Scalia argued that ask- 
ing a student to pee into a cup while 
a teacher listened was not an inva- 
sion of privacy. Because athletes often 
see one another naked in the locker 
room, he wrote, they have a dimi; 
ished expectation of privacy. Follow- 
ing that towel snap to the Fourth 
Amendment, Scalia argued that ran- 
dom testing of high school athletes 
was justified for safety reasons, cit- 
ing precedents that allowed testing 
of Customs officials and railroad em- 
ployees. Presumably, a drug-addled 


I n the early Nineties the logging 


football player might hit someone too 
hard, run into a goalpost or, God 
knows, storm into the stands to soul- 
kiss a cheerleader. When Reefer Mad- 
ness strikes the high court, the Bill of 
Rights goes out the window. 

The court sided with school offi- 
cials who devised the policy, saying 
the drug epidemic created “special 
needs” that trumped the protections 
of the Fourth Amendment. The prob- 
lem with flawed Supreme Court de- 
cisions is that, like bad teen movies, 
they usually have sequels. 

In 1998, school officals in Tecum- 
seh, Oklahoma (population 6000) felt 


they too had “special needs.” Teach- 
ers reported that they had seen stu- 
dents who “appeared to be under the 
influence of drugs.” They had heard 
students speaking openly about us- 
ing drugs. A drug-sniffing dog found 
marijuana cigarettes near the school 
parking lot (why authorities believed 
students and not teachers were the 
culprits is unclear). Police officers 
found “drugs or drug paraphernalia” 
in a car driven by a Future Farmer of 
America. 

The Tecumseh school board decid- 
ed to test not just athletes but every 
student in grades seven through 12 
who took part in extracurricular ac- 


tivities that were in any way compet- 
itive. Any kid who wanted to join such 
groups as the Academic Team, Future 
Farmers of America, Future Home- 
makers of America, band, choir or the 
pom-pom squad would have to pee 
into a cup. 

Officials tested 500 students. Three 
came up positive. Another epidemic 
revealed. Call in the SWAT team. 

Two students filed suit. One of the 
students, Lindsay Earls, belonged to 
the show choir, marching band, Aca- 
demic Team and National Honor Soci- 
ety. She later enrolled at Dartmouth. 
Although Earls passed the test, she 

objected to it as a vio- 
lation of her right to 
privacy. 

The school’s lawyers 
turned immediately 
to the loopy logic of 
the Vernonia decision. 
They attacked the 
false modesty argu- 
ment (bashfulness is 
mentioned nowhere in 
the Constitution), de- 
claring that students 
who take part in af- 
ter-school activities but 
who aren't jocks also 
were accustomed to 
"communal undress"— 
they might see class- 
mates naked on over- 

night trips or while staying at band 
camp. (If only.) 

The lawyers also parroted Scalia's 
safety argument, insisting that extra- 
curriculars were fraught with dan- 
ger: Members of the band must “per- 
form extremely precise routines with 
heavy equipment and instruments in 
close proximity to other students,” 
they argued. “The risk of injury to a 
student who is under the influence of 
drugs while playing golf, cross-coun- 
try or volleyball (sports covered by 
the policy in Vernonia) is scarcely any 
greater than the risk of injury to a 
student handling a 1500-pound steer 
[as Future Farmers of America do] 
or working with cutlery or sharp in- 
struments [as Future Homemakers of 
America do]." 

The Tecumseh tactic worked: The 


53 


54 


Supreme Court upheld the drug test- 
ing with a 5—4 vote. 

Alower court earlier had overturned 
"Tecumseh's drug-testing policy, rul- 
ing the school district had to demon- 
strate it had a drug problem wide- 
spread enough that testing was the 
only way to combat it. In the Supreme 
Court's review of the case, Justice 
Clarence Thomas scoffed at this fact- 
based requirement. He argued that 
blanket testing is "fair" in that every- 
one is a suspect. Strict application 
of the Fourth Amendment, he said, 
might interfere with the "swift and in- 
formal disciplinary procedures" need- 
ed to keep order in schools. Thomas 
was impressed that the Tecumsch 
kids who tested positive were not sent 
to prison but simply banned from ex- 
tracurricular activities. The punish- 
ment was left to the bureaucrats. 

In a concurring opinion, the ever- 
helpful Justice Stephen Breyer listed 
known indicators of drug use. Schools 
might someday test students who ap- 
pear tired, hyperactive, quiet, boister- 
ous, sloppy or excessively meticulous 
or who show up late for class. That list 
of symptoms describes teenage be- 
havior as we know it. 

The oral arguments in the Tecum- 
seh case should have tipped off civ- 
il libertarians. When a lawyer repre- 
senting Lindsay Earls argued that 
schools should test only those sus- 
pected of drug use for specific rea- 
sons—i.e., actual bad behavior—Sca- 
lia attacked: "So long as you have a 
bunch of druggies who are orderly in 
class, the school can take no action. 
That's what you want us to rule?” 

It would be a start. Swept up in the 
fervor ofthe drug war, this Court has 
abandoned admirable precedents. In 
1969 the Supreme Court believed 
that a child did not leave his constitu- 
tional rights at the door of the school- 
house. Thomas and Scalia, in con- 
trast, believe that since schools act in 
loco parentis, they can do anything a 
concerned parent might do. In her 
dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg 
argued that as far as tutelary respon- 
sibility goes, schools should tcach by 
example. Citing the lower court rul- 
ing, she reminded her peers that since. 
"schools are educating the young for 
citizenship, they should observe scru- 
pulous protection of Constitutional 
freedoms.” To do otherwise would 
“strangle the free mind at its source 
and teach youth to discount impor- 
tant principles of our government as 
mere platitudes.” 

Instead, we teach them to shut up 
and pee into the cup. 


| ЖЕП 


ero-tolerance policies in schools 

have always been a joke. They 

lead to suspending students 

for using mouthwash (because 
it contains alcohol) or fingernail clip- 
pers (because they have tiny files), 
carrying asthma inhalers or leaving 
tools or kitchen knives in vehicles 
parked in the school lot. Randy Cas- 
singham has been documenting—and 
we've been clipping—examples of 
such abuses for years in his column, 
“This Is True” (thisistrue.com). One 
reader, a mother in Los Angeles, sent 
him ıhe photo of the toy (opposite 
page) that earned a suspension for 
her seven-year-old son. 

Even after years of ridicule, many 
administrators haven't seen the wis- 
dom of fitting the pun- 
ishment to the crime. 
"They often must re- 
place discretion with 
repression because of 
money—much public 
funding is tied to the 
existence of zero-tol- 
erance policies. They 
also feel immense 
pressure from parents 
and politicians to do 
something—any- 
thing—about teen vi- 
olence and drug abuse. 

Just the smell of 
trouble is enough to 
send a student home. 
Consider the travails 
of Christopher Lau- 
rin, a sophomore at 
St. Matthew High 
near Ottawa, Ontario. 
One morning this 
past spring, Chris’ 
teacher announced 
that the school had 
been placed on lock- 
down. Chris and his 
classmates were told 
to stand in the hall 
while a police officer 
with a drug-sniffing 
dog searched their be- 
longings in the class- 
rooms. The officer rc- 
turned holding Chris’ ski jacket. 

According to the officer, the dog 
had smelled marijuana on the jacket. 
The principal took Chris and the coat 
to her office, where she told him to 
empty the pockets. No drugs. Police 
searched Chris’ locker, lunch bag and 
schoolbag. No drugs there, either. 

The vice principal sniffed the coat 
and couldn't smell reefer. But the dog 
had allegedly smelled it, and that was 
enough. The principal suspended 


At least two 
elementary 
school 
students 
have been 


suspended 


for pointing 
breaded 


chicken 


fingers. 


Chris for two days. (A week later, after 
Chris’ parents hired a lawyer, the prin- 
cipal apologized to the teenager and 
the school board wiped the suspen- 
sion from his record.) 

In some schools, students can't even 
think about contraband. In Gwinnett 
County, Georgia, officials suspended 
a 13-year-old girl for nine days be- 
cause she pretended at lunch that her 
grape juice was wine. The school bans 
"any substance under the pretense 
that it is in fact a pro- 
hibited substance." In 
Indianapolis admin- 
istrators nullified the 
election for senior 
class president because 
the winner had quoted 
a line from a popular 
rap song, Pass the Cour- 
vosier, in his campaign 
video. "There's a strict 
school rule about the 
promotion of alcohol, 
tobacco or sex," the 
principal said. He 
compared the breach 
to wearing a shirt to 
school with a picture 
ofa beer can on it. 

In Oldsmar, Florida, 
police led an 11-year- 
old away in handcuffs 
because he had drawn 
pictures of weapons. 
"We need to get it 
through kids' heads 
that there are certain 
things you just don't 
draw," the principal 
explained. The princi- 
pal of Jefierson Middle 
School in Fort Wayne, 
Indiana instructed 
workers to change a 
wall painting inside 
the main door that in- 
cluded a musket-toting patriot—the 
school mascot. "Guns have no place 
in school," he explained. 

"That includes phantom guns. In 
Centennial, Colorado (about 20 miles 
from Columbine High School) a prin- 
cipal punished seven fourth graders 
for pointing their fingers at one an- 
other during a game of "army and 
aliens." She also quizzed the boys 
about whether their families owned 
guns. One boy, whose father works as 


SANER 


a hunting guide, had been told at 
home not to discuss his father's weap- 
ons so that other kids wouldn't ask to 
see them. The boy had to choose sides 
that day in the office—lie to the prin- 
cipal or lie to his dad. He chose to lie 
to the state. (“If she wants to know if 
we have guns, she needs to ask me, not 
my son,” the boy's father said.) When 
asked why she hadn't simply repri- 
manded the boys, the principal said, 
“No tolerance means more than just a 
warning, because that would 
mean tolerance." Fach boy got 
detention. 

Officials in Silver Valley, Cal- 
ifornia threatened to send 
home a nine-year-old boy be- 
cause he had been caught 
playing cops and robbers. "We 
will suspend play when they're 
using imaginary weapons until 
the guidelines can be devel- 
oped to help the staff differen- 
tiate between dangerous and 
imaginary play," an adminis- 
trator said. 

How about these guidelines: 
Kid pointing loaded gun— 
dangerous. Kid pointing fin- 
ger—not dangerous. 

In Irvington, New Jersey a 
second grader folded a piece 
of paper to look like a gun, 
pointed it at classmates and 
said, "I'm going to kill you all." 
Bad move. The school called 
police, who interviewed the 
boy and a friend for five hours. 
(What do you talk to a seven- 
year-old about for five hours? 
“Where did you get the paper? 
Who taught you to fold it?") 
Prosecutors charged both of 
the boys with making terroris- 
tic threats, and the school sus- 
pended them for a day. Two 
weeks later, а judge dismissed 
the charges. 

In Fast Sable River, Nova Scotia, of- 
ficials sent a second grader home for 
a day because he pointed a breaded 
chicken finger during lunch and said 
“Bang!” In Jonesboro, Arkansas an 
eight-year-old student pointed a bread- 
ed chicken finger at a teacher and said, 
“Pow, pow, pow!" He got three days. In 
East Hanover, New Jersey a nine-year- 
old made a "bomb" from the remains 
of his family's takeout dinner. The 


the crackdown on 
kids continues 
By CHIP ROWE 


principal notified police and then sus- 
pended him for a week. The official 
complaint read that the boy "did know- 
ingly construct a fake bomb specifi- 
cally by wrapping up several pac! 

es of duck sauce and soy sauce inside 
tissue paper, taping it with 
clear tape and writing on it 
"Danger Warning Swanton 
Bomb." He received a week- 
long suspension and a year 
of probation. 


\\ ПШ 


Shown here is the toy key fob 
that earned a seven-year-old 
boy inLos Angeles a suspen- 
sion from school. Authorities 
felt it qualified as a weapon. 


In the world of zero toler- 
ance, duck sauce is the equiv- 
alent of gunpowder, a paper 
gun is the same as a real one 
and a kitchen knife is the 
same as a hunting blade— 
even if you hid it from a 
friend in order to keep her 
from harm. In Loudoun 
County, Virginia, Benjamin Ratner 
took a paring knife from a friend who 
said she wanted to Kill herself. The 


eighth grader put the knife in his lock- 
er, saying he feared that officials would. 
punish his friend if they learned what 
had happened. Perceptive kid. When 
the principal found out, he suspended 
the girl. He also sent Benjamin home— 
for four months 

In Madison, Wisconsin a sixth grad- 
er brought a serrated table knife to sci- 
ence class so he could dissect an onion. 
The school recommended a one-year 
suspension for possession of a danger- 
ous weapon. Officials were unyielding 
“Why a student brings a weapon to 
school and under what conditions can’t 
impact our decision,” a superintendent 
said. Privately, the boy's family says, of- 
ficials told the boy that if he admitted 
to his “crime,” submitted to psycholog- 

ical testing and took an anger- 
management class, they’d let 
him return sooner. 

But not everyone has it so 
rough. In Pensacola, Florida 
a technology coordinator at 
Brentwood Middle School ar- 
rived at work wearing wrap- 
around sunglasses. When he 
removed them, a teacher no- 
ticed that his pupils were huge. 
The man also raised suspicions 
during a staff meeting when 
he gave a rambling speech. A 
drug test revealed that he was 
high—very high—on cocaine. 
"The school fired him. 

"The next day, the school em- 
ployees' union raised a stink. 
“There is nowhere in board 
policy, law or contract where 
zero tolerance for employees is 
referenced,” it said. An arbitra- 
tor ruled that the school had to 
rehire the man. The superin- 
tendent was incredulous: “We 
are expelling kids for taking 
aspirin or No-Doz. Now we're 
talking about someone using 
cocaine, and that’s OK.” 

As Randy Cassingham noted 
at the time, it sounds like the 
kids need to organize. 

There is hope. The school 
board in Hurst, Texas rewrote 
its policy to give schools more 
flexibility. The catalyst had been an in- 


f cident in which officials suspended an 


honor student for a year after finding a 
10-inch bread knife in the bed of his 
pickup. (The boy and his parents had 
donated boxes of household goods to 
charity and suspect the knife fell out.) 
The new policy allows administrators 
to determine punishments “based on 
relevant laws, the seriousness of the 
offense and the frequency of miscon- 
duct.” That makes sense 


55 


56 


I PLEDGE ALLEGIANGE . .. 


is it time for a new vow to america? 


(= arlier this year, a federal appeals court ruled 
that an eight-year-old schoolgirl should not 

be forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance, be- 
cause the words under God are unconstitutional. 
Written in 1892 by a Baptist minister, the original 
pledge did not contain the phrase; it was added in 


For politicians: 
[Face camera] Y Pledge allegiance to 


the morning polls of the Unj 
1 United Stai 
of America, and to the mome: N 


ntary pref- 


erences for which they stand: one na- 


tion, under God, easily div; 


Ч isible, wi 
liberty and justice for sale. vg 


For immigrants: 


1954 at the height of the war against godless com- 
munism. Other special interest groups have since 
fiddled with the text. Some right-to-lifers pledge 
liberty and justice for all “born-and unborn.” 


Some liberals say “equality, liberty and justice for 
all.” Here are other options: 


r National Rifle 

Association members! 

I pledge allegiance to Sam: 
uel Colt—the man who made 
all men equal—and to me 
Second Amendment behin 
which I stand, one nation un- 
der guns, with ammo and as- 
sault rifles for all. You got a 
problem with that? 


I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States 
of America, understanding that this will not protect 
me if my associations, statements OT behavior are 
deemed suspicious by the INS, FBI, CIA, the Office 
of Homeland Security or the cable TV installer who 
has agreed to report "suspicious activity," such as 


being Middle Eastern. 


тон Windows usara 
р РЇейре allegiance to the 
о that appears on m 
сас! i 
СЕ morning, and to the mo 
К 7 ог which it stands, one s a 
E er Bill, with liberty and Ее 
et Explorer for all та 


waving 
y computer 


For CEOS: 

I pledge allegiance to the flag 
of the island of Bermuda, and 
to the tax haven for which it 
stands, multinational, under 
the Fifth, with bonuses and op- 
tions for the board. 


ro 


= And to the republ 


I pledge E the limi 
of rationality—to the mue 
ic representation of the fragment f 
NEUE in which by random ne 

ame to exist, and to th i 
which it stands, one dn. а 
at least until we get some kind of wi T 
able world government. SAN 


> 
> EE 


d, freely pledge 
ith the un- 


tute a contract 
ties, to wit, 


flag of the United States of America. 


ic for which said 
‚red to act in 


flag has been empowe 
г - one nation, under God (al- 
ising from 


though any 

this аргеете! i governed by 
the laws of the State © 
indivisible without 3 
written notice SUPP 
ties either in person or 


mail—with liberty and justice те- 


| served for the undersigned. 


Citizen Flag 


57 


R 


TWO LIVES LOST 

Byron Parker took the life 
of 11-year-old Christie Ann 
Griffith (“Clemency,” The 
‚Playboy Forum, August). That 
was the tragedy—not the ac- 
tions of the Georgia State 
Board of Pardons and Pa- 
roles when it didn't grant 
him clemency, nor his treat- 
ment on death row, nor his 
execution. He was allowed 
to live and breathe for near- 
ly two decades after commit- 
ting a horrible, senseless act. 
I feel no sympathy for Par- 
ker, regardless of how much 
he may have rehabilitated 
himself. And I don't feel bad- 
ly about the method used to 
kill him, despite Dave Marsh's 
argument that it's cruel and un- 
usual. Would it have been bet- 
ter if he had been strangled to 
death, the way he killed his vic- 
tim? I agree with Christie Ann's 
mother. I hope Parker is burn- 

ing in hell. 
Rex Rice 
Middletown, Indiana 


Dave Marsh claims that the 
clemency process is a cruel 
hoax because it holds out hope 
to inmates on death row. He 
calls Georgia's clemency pro- 
cess "a charade" because 28 of 
38 death row inmates who had 
been considered for clemency 
were executed. He considered this 
"poor odds." What's so bad about hav- 
ing a 26.3 percent chance of getting 
out of a death sentence? 

Marsh writes that the U.S. Supreme 
Court "reversed itself" in 1972 after 
earlier declaring the death penalty in 
the State of Georgia to be unconstitu- 
tional. In fact, the Court had simply in- 
validated the death penalty in all states 
that had it. These states, including 
Georgia, modified their laws to meet 
the requirements set by the Court, and 
the penalty was reinstituted. 

Marsh is so desperate in his pleas for 
Parker that he attacks the character of 
three members of the pardons board as 
proof that the process is unfair. Marsh 
Says “two are under criminal investiga- 
tion for kickbacks" and the third is "be- 
ing sued." Just because someone is un- 
der criminal investigation doesn't mean 
he's done anything wrong. Our justice 


4 раф 
FOR THE RECORD 


system says we’re innocent until prov- 
en guilty. What is the guy being sued 
for? Paternity? 

Marsh claims Parker "argued that 
the pardons board was a stacked deck" 
because the chairman "had allegedly 
boasted that as long as he was running 
things, no death rov prisoner would be 
given clemency." But since Marsh ad- 
mits that 10 out of 38 death row in- 
mates have received clemency from the 
board, the chairman's alleged boast 
was greatly exaggerated. 

Because Parker has been executed, 
Marsh writes, "two lives have been 
wasted." Correction: Parker wasted his 
own life. I agree that the death penalty 
isn't enforced as fairly as it should be. 
To correct that, we should execute any- 
one who murders another person, with- 
out exception. 

David Mariotti 
Crestview, Florida 


E R 


1 can appreciate the great 
guy Byron Parker became 
after murdering that little 
girl, but that doesn't change 
what he did. 

Matt Sharp 
Salt Lake City, Utah 


I hope Parker's execution 
serves as a warning to other 
potential murderers. Marsh 
sure seems to put a lot of val- 
ue on the life of someone who 
cared nothing about his vic- 
tim's life. 

Claudia Samuels-Sens 
Dallas, Texas 


Marsh wrote of his con- 
demned friend: "In 1984, 
as a 24-year-old, Byron Parker 
committed a horrific murder, 
abducting and then strangling 
an 11-year-old girl, Christie 
Ann Griffith. He confessed to 
the crime.” Marsh left out a 
few details Parker sexually as- 
saulted his victim. He killed her 
while his two-year-old son wait- 
ed inside the car. Christie Ann 
had been waiting for a cab to 
take her to her brother's high 
school graduation; Parker of- 
fered her a ride. He confessed 
only after being interrogated by 
police a week after the crime. 

I understand why PLAYBOY 
would want to leave out these 
details; they undermine Marsh's 
attempts to portray Parker as a man 
undeserving of his fate. Marsh claims 
the State of Georgia "killed" Parker. 
Georgia didn't kill Parker; it executed 
him under due process of the law. 
Marsh also rails against the clemency 
process because it gives death row in- 
mates unfounded hope. When Parker 
robbed that 11-year-old child of her 
hopes, he forfeited his right to have 
hopes of his own. 

Robert Nalezinski 
Derry, New Hampshire 

We're not sure how much detail readers 
needed about Christie Ann's murder; we felt 
“horrific” covered it. The point of Marsh's 
piece wasn't to defend Parker (his guilt has 
never been a question) but to point out the 
hypocrisies of a system that emphasizes reha- 
bilitation when, in fact, it doesn’t matter. We 
feel “horrific” also applies to all forms of 
capital punishment, which is why we oppose 
the death penalty. Do any of the facts of this 


Rey Eves 


Forum| 
P О 


N 5 


poor girl's murder cause us to rethink our 
position? No. 

The issue with Georgia's clemency board. 
isn't whether its members have been judged 
(the member being sued is accused of sexual 
harassment), but whether they are capable of 
saying no to the attorney general who repre- 
sents them in those cases. In June the two 
board members suspected of taking kickbacks 
resigned. The governor then appointed a for- 
mer head of the Georgia Bureau of Investi- 
gations as the new chairman. He has vowed 
to clean up the process. 

Parker's rehabilitation did not change 
what he did, but neither did executing him. 
That event simply expanded this tragedy. If 
the death penalty is supposed to be a deter- 


rent, it’s not working. 


ARMING AMERICA 
James R. Petersen is still trying to 
prop up Michael Bellesiles' book Arm- 
ing America, even though it has gar- 
nered substantial criticism for its at- 
tempt to deceive readers regarding the 
extent to which carly Americans owned 
and enjoyed guns (“Arming America 
Revisited,” The Playboy Forum, August). 
Had this volume not said what they 
wanted to hear, academics and the lib- 
eral media wouldn't have been so quick 
to embrace it without careful review. 
"That they did so is yet another indica- 
tion of their bias against guns. 
James Williamson 
Dallas, Texas 


Now that Michael Bellesiles has been 
exposed as a fraud, rıavaov should 
apologize to its readers. Red-blood- 
ed American men love women, cars and 
guns. You fight for sexual freedom and 
show the latest sports cars, so why do 
you trash gun owners every chance 
that you get? I find it hard to believe 
that the British army was defeated by 
unarmed farmers. PLAYBOY is so ab- 
surdly left wing, you should replace the 
Rabbit Head with something more fit- 
ting—maybe a red star with a hammer 
and sickle? 

Steven Ala 
Westfield, Massachusetts 


It may be true, as Bellesiles claims, 
that estate inventories from the 18th 
and 19th centuries were not always 
complete. Obviously family and friends 
made off with clothes and other valu- 
able items before they could be count- 
ed. However, I am confident, even 200 
years later, that no one added items to 


an estate. Based on the substantial un- 
derreporting of estate contents (e.g., 
23 percent vith no clothes), it follows 
that the estimated 50 percent to 73 per- 
cent rate of gun ownership that Profes- 
sor James Lindgren found is likely on 
the low side. 

You also failed to appreciate the de- 
bate regarding the Militia Act of 1792. 
The original act made each citizen re- 
sponsible for providing his own weap- 
on. Obviously, Congress believed that 
gun ownership was sufficiently wide- 
spread to support this requirement. If 
gun ownership was as sparse as Belle- 
siles implies, it seems unlikely that it 
would take 11 years for Congress to 
amend the Act, even with infrequent 
sessions. Instead, a more likely reason 
for the change was to bring consistency 
in the weapons used by thc militia. 
Even with the ridiculously high level of 
gun ownership today, the military still 
gives its soldiers weapons so ammuni- 
tion and parts can be standardized. 

Barry Quart 
Los Angeles, California 


“What is so monstrous about a 

sex-crazed girl?" That's the qu 
y White tackles in Fast 

Girls: Teenage 
Tribes and the 
Myth of the Slut. 
The author post- 
ed this query 
in a syndicated 
advice column: 
"Are you or were 


you the slut of 
your high school?” 


More than 100 

girls and women 

responded. White" 

book explores the 

destructive process 

by which American 

teens project their 

sexual confusion on- 

to innocent bystand- 

ers. Once ostracized 

(often because they 

developed breasts early or dressed 
differently), her subjects became 
the stars of far-fetched stories about 


Petersen replies: "My piece reported both 
sides of the scandal, citing the critics and 
Bellesiles’ corrections. In most circles, this is 
known as balanced journalism (as opposed 
10, say, a firing squad). Admittedly, I was 
distracted by some of the new evidence pre- 
sented by critics—the image of buck-naked 
militia slaughtering squirrels to save Ameri- 
ca is right up there with Dr. Strangelove. 
Quart does make a good point about the 
need for standardized weaponry, but it also 
could be used to support Bellesiles’ thesis that 
the well-armed militia was a myth. No histo- 
Tian disputes the large number of colonists 
who turned out to resist the British at Con- 
cord either unarmed or wielding only farm 
tools. I find it far more inspiring to think 
that the colonists were prepared to seize liber- 
ty empty-handed.” 

We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province. 


S, 2002 


train jobs and locker-room gang 
bangs. Some responded by embrac- 
g the role, others 
suffered in silence. 
This sort of sex 
ual stereotyping 
is not limited 
to high school. 
White notes that 
commentators 
such as Dr. Lau- 
ra Schlessinger 
identify women 
either as moth- 
ers or as sluts. 
Teena 
can be 
too—the w 
are labeled as 
ots. White 
writes that 
“Boys who are 
deemed the fag find them- 
selves at the receiving end of un- 
predictable violence and detailed 
rumors fabricated from a d col- 
lective sexual ignoranı 


59 


N ЕМ 


SFR 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


PENIS GRAFFITI << 


ANDOVER, MINNESOTA—Is this what 
they mean by abstinence education? A Sun- 
day school teacher enguged a 16-year-old 
boy in an intimate discussion of the evils of 


masturbation and homosexuality. During 
their chal, the man told the boy he could 
control his adolescent urges by writing 
What Would Jesus Do? on his penis with 
indelible ink. He also asked the boy to send 
him daily e-mails describing his sexual 
thoughts. The boy told his parents, who 
alerted police. The teacher pleaded guilty 
to а misdemeanor count of child abuse; a 
judge sentenced him to serve a month in 
а work release program and 200 hours of 
community service. The judge also ordered 
the man to write an open letter to his fellow 
porishioners, but church officials said they 
feared it would be pornographic. 


TONGUE LASHING == 


PAINESVILLE, OHIO—A judge agreed to 
suspend most of the 22-day jail sentences 
given to a couple who had oral sex on a 
busy beach, but only if they apologized in 
print. He ordered the couple to purchase 
signed ads in two newspapers that read, 
“I apologize for any activities I engaged 
in that were offensive or disrespectful.” 
The judge, Michael Cicconetti, has a repu- 
tation for creative punishments. He sen- 
tenced a man who fled police to run a five- 
mile race (the better his finish, the less time 
he'll spend under house arrest), a man who 
referred to a cop as a “pig” to stand on a 


corner next to a 350-pound hog that wore 
a sign that read THIS IS NOT A POLICE OF- 
FICER and a man who played his car stereo 
100 loudly to sit quietly in the woods. 


FAYETTE COUNTY, СЕОВСА- Before 
having sex, two 16-year-olds propped a 
stool in front of the girl's bedroom door. 
Her mother burst in on them anyway. The 
girl had a criminal record; when her pro- 
bation officer learned she had been having 
sex, he notified prosecutors. A court found 
both teens guilty of violating a state law 
that bans sex outside of marriage. A judge 
sent the girl to boot camp. The boy had to 
pay a fine and write an essay. The district 
attorney argued that “the state has a legit- 
imate interest in trying to control the sexu- 
al activities of juveniles.” 


FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA—Earlier 
this year a grandmother received a pack- 
age from Walgreens. Inside she found four 
Prozac Weekly pills and a Dear Patient let- 
ter signed by her doctor. It read, “We are 
very excited to be able to offer you a more 
convenient way to take your antidepressant 
medication.” She said her initial concern 
was that her grandchildren might have 
opened the package and thought the pills 
were candy. “Then I started to think, Wait 
a minute. How did they know to send them 
to me?” she said. The woman sued her doc- 
tor, Walgreens and Eli Lilly, charging in- 
vasion of privacy. In a separate case, Eck- 
erd drugstores agreed to stop using the log 
books signed by customers when they pick 
up prescriptions as a way to gather names 
and addresses for marketing. 


= CUTAND-PASTES 1 


DOVER, NEW HAMPSHIRE—A former 
prep school teacher convicted of possessing 
child porn is testing the limits of the law. 
In 1995 police arrested David Cobb for 
the attempted sexual assault of a child. In- 
side his knapsack they found hundreds of 
explicit images, most of which he had cre- 
ated by pasting photos of children’s heads 
over adult magazine nudes. Cobb argued 
that under state law, child porn must in- 
volve actual children. A jury and the state 
supreme court rejected that view. This past 
summer, encouraged by a U.S. Supreme 
Court decision that overturned a ban on 


fake child porn, Cobb asked for a new tri- 
al. He says that his fantasy images should 
be viewed as artistic collages. 


pcc MINDS 


WAKEFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS— 
for a software engineer who shot and killed 
seven co-workers told a jury he was insane 
and should not be held responsible. The 
man, who before his rampage had learned 
that his employer planned to garnish his 
wages for the IRS, testified that he had 
gone through a time portal and believed 
his victims were Nazis. The jury found him 
guilty on all counts. What tripped him up? 
Prosecutors introduced evidence that he 
had purchased a book called Clinical As- 
sessment of Malingering and Deception. 
He also had searched the Internet for the 
phrase “faking mental illness." 


SEALED WITH А STAIN — 


CENTRAL, SOUTH CAROLINA— TD pay 
her college bills, a Clemson student created 
a website to sell her dirty underwear, used. 
tampons, condoms and sex toys and food 
items covered with her excrement or men- 
strual blood. She says she had about 100 
customers who paid $20 to $50 for each 
шет. A disgruntled customer alerted postal 


inspectors. Earlier this year, U.S. Attorney 
Strom Thurmond Jr. charged her under 
a federal law that bans the mailing of “in- 
decent and filthy things and substances.” 
She pleaded guilty and could face up to 


five years in prison. 


It takes one man to plug a le aky Jack Daniel's barrel. And a second 
to keep him from getting any ideas. 


Your friends at Jack Danie?’ remind you to drink responsibly. 
С: and OLD NO. 7 arc registered trademarks nf Jack А 15 9920213 
ls di С) 


NO ADDITIVES 
NATURALLY SMOOTH 


10 mg. "tar", 0.9 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by ЕТС 

method. For more product information, visit www.rjrt com. If you can't find Winston Evo Flask in your area, 
call 1-800-862-2226. Calls limited to smokers 21 
years of age or older. 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, No additives in our tobacco 
Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy. does NOT mean a safer cigarette. 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: WILLIE NELSON 


a candid conversation about life on the road, music on the inter- 
net, legalizing pot and why he tells the worst jokes you ever heard 


Willie Nelson—looking exactly as we have 
come Lo expect him, with waist-long hair 
tied in braids, red bandanna, dusty jeans 
and sneakers—is in Honeysuckle Rose HI, 
his tour bus, before a sold-out concert at Har- 
rah’s Casino near Lake Tahoe, Nevada. Nel- 
son spends more time on the bus than he does 
at his 700-acre ranch near Austin, where he 
has a golf course and a recording studio. 
He's no homebody. After all, he’s the guy who 
wrote “] just can't wait to get on the road 
again." 

The bus, outfitted with satellite TV and 
DVD, a 30-speaker stereo and a satellite-mo- 
dem computer, is parked in the shadow of 
Harrah's. Из smoky inside, the result of a 
cigar-size joint smoldering in an ashtray, 
another expected feature of Nelson's travel- 
ing living room. (Nelson is a famous dope 
smoker and proponent of legalized marijua- 
na, who even rolled a big joint on the White 
House roof when he was a guest of President 
Jimmy Carter.) As comedian Robin Williams 
cracked during his recent tour, “When he 
looks at Willie, even Buddha’s going, ‘That 
guys mellow.” 

Carter isn't the only president to have 
hosted Nelson. Though Willie proudly in- 
hales, his fans include President Clinton and 
both George Bushes. In fact, it’s hard to find 


“Rather than trying to put an end to Em- 
inem or some other rapper, politicians should 
think about why they're rapping. ПУ easi- 
er to try to censor some kid who's swearing 
about poverty than it is to stop the poverty.” 


anyone who doesn't like Nelson. His enor- 
mously broad audience is visible when he 
leaves the bus to duck into a back entrance to 
Harrah's. When he walks onstage, there's 
deafening boot stomping and hooting. Nel- 
son's music crosses most genres and has near 
mystical appeal to all sorts of people, typified 
by tonight's crowd: 20-year-olds in ripped 
clothes with pierced body parts, boozed-up 
cowboys, white-haired retirees, aging hip- 
pies, wild-haired Hell's Angels and bu: 
cul-and-goateed entertainment executives 
up from “Hollywood. "Anyone who doesn't 
like Willie Nelson is dead or may as well be,” 
according to Kris Kristofferson, a friend and 
frequent collaborator. 

Born in 1933, Nelson grew up poor in 
Abbott, Texas, where he was raised in a fam- 
ily of musicians, including his grandparents 
and his piano-playing sister Bobbie (still a 
band member). His window on the world 
was the crystal radio on which he first heard 
Jimmie Rodgers, Benny Goodman and 
pel music. “И was а hard life,” he says, “but 
we had m After picking up the guitar 
al six, he accompanied Bobbie at church 
recitals and began writing poems and songs 
by the time he was seven years old. As a 
teenager, he performed in Texas dancehalls 
and bars, covering songs by his heroes Hank 


“Too much of anything is no good. Too much 
alcohol, too much sugar. People smoke mari- 
juana and their brains don’t fall out. It's not 
a big deal and most people know that. 1 have 
cut down and I'm healthier than ever.” 


Williams, Ernest Tubb, Bob Wills and Lefty 
Frizzell. Before he recorded his own songs, he 
began selling his compositions—for $10 and 
$25—to music publishers and musicians. 
His first hit was Crazy, recorded by Patsy 
Cline. Next came hit songs for Ray Price 
(Night Life) and Faron Young (Hello Walls). 
Other singers had hits with his songs, in- 
cluding The Party's Over, Funny How Time 
Slips Away, Good Hearted Woman and An- 
gel Flying Too Close to the Ground. 

In the early Sixties, when he moved to 
Nashville, Nelson performed with such coun- 
try stars as Mel Tillis and Roger Miller; and 
while playing bars and clubs most nights of 
the year, Nelson broke into the country top 
10 with Willingly and Touch Me. In 1975 
he released Red Headed Stranger, a master- 
ful concept album that established him as a 
first-rate country artist. The remainder of 
the century was Nelson’s with such hits as 
Georgia on My Mind, Whiskey River, Ma- 
mas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be 
Cowboys, I Gotta Get Drunk and, of course, 
On the Road Again. 

In 1978, Nelson released a record with 10 
of his favorite songs, standards like Moon- 
light in Vermont, Someone to Watch Over 
Me and On the Sunny Side of the Street. The 
record, Stardust, remained on the best-selling 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY AVID ROSE 
“I just play music I like. Many people can't. 
do that. People always worry about if I am 
country, rock and roll, blues or whatever. 
They don't know where to put the new Willie 
Nelson CD in the record stores.” 


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album charts for more than a decade. Nel- 
son had become a symbol of and hero to—as 
he proudly puts it—“cowboys, lowlifes, red- 
necks, hippies, bikers—hell, all sorts of mis- 
fits like me.” 

Nelson's life has been as bittersweet as а 
country song. He has been married and di- 
vorced four times. In 1990, the government 
sued him for tax evasion (the final bill: 
$16.7 million). Nelson blamed his tax woes 
on some bad investment advice, but the IRS 
seized much of his property and sold it. To 
help pay the bill, Nelson released a mail-or- 
der album titled Who'll Buy My Memories?: 
The IRS Tapes. He suffered a personal trag- 
edy in 1991, when one of his seven children, 
Billy, committed suicide. But Nelson’s fami- 
blood and extended (including many of 
his band members)—remains close-knit. Wil- 
lie's sister, Bobbie, plays in his band, and two. 
of his daughters and a granddaughter run 
his website (willienelson.com), where his fans 
congregate and CDs and other merchandise 
are sold. Nelson was once well known for his 
heavy drinking as well as his marijuana 
use. “Pue toned down,” he says, “but toning 
down ain't the same thing as quitting.” His 
friends say he is healthier than ever, run- 
ning, playing golf and practicing martial 
aris and yoga. 

In addition to his music, Nelson has estab- 
lished himself as a champion for the family 
farmer with his annual Farm Aid concerts. 
With his friends Neil Young and John Mel- 
lencamp and other performers, Nelson has 
raised millions of dollars for the cause. 
Meanwhile, Nelson has also found time to 
write for and act in films, including The 
Electric Horseman (with Robert Redford 
and Jane Fonda), Songwriter (with Kris 
Kristofferson) and Wag the Dog (with Rob- 
ert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman). This year 
he turned author, too, releasing The Facts of 
Life and Other Dirty Johes, which became a 
best-seller. 

When we decided to sit Nelson down for 
an interview, we sent Contributing Editor 
David Sheff, whose last interview in these 
pages was with billionaire Larry Ellison. 
Here's Sheff's report: “Nelson is unique in 
the canon of American celebrities because he 
has crossed so many boundaries. When I said 
as much to him, he wrinkled up his l'ue-seen- 
it-all eyes and smiled. “Гое fooled lots of folk, 
haven't I? Then he let out a laugh—one of 
many thal punctuated the interview. 

“Much of the interview was conducted on 
the Honeysuckle Rose at a small dining ta- 
ble set with a bottle of Old Whiskey River, 
a Jamily-size box of Zig-Zag rolling papers 
and filled ashtrays. The mood was generally 
light, but at moments Nelson became thought- 
ful and somber. They didn't last long, how- 
ever; with a twinkle in his eyes, there would 
follow some wisecrack and another fit of 
laughter. 

"Indeed, when we first sat down for the 
interview, Nelson rubbed his hands together. 
‘Most times I can't tell interviewers the good 
jokes—only the G-rated ones," he told me. He 


grinned widely. ‘But this is PLAYBOY. It's 
gonna be fun.’ It was an opening if I ever 
heard one." 


PLAYBOY: Well? Do you have a joke you'd 
like to tell us? 

NELSON: [Beaming] OK. A lady went into 
a drugstore and asked if they had any 
Viagra. The guy behind the counter, the 
pharmacist, said, "Yeah," and she asked, 
"Have you tried it?" He said he had and 
so she asked, "Can you get it over the 
counter?" He thought about it awhile 
and then said, “I think 1 could if 1 took 
two." [Laughter] 

PLAYBOY: Do you—— 

NELSON: There's one more thing about 
Viagra. 

PLAYBOY: What's that? 

NELSON: They say it can make a lawyer 
taller. [Laughter] 

PLAYBOY: Where does all this joking come 
from? 

NELSON: Jokes help pass the time on the 
road and they help get through life. You 
got to laugh. I always loved a good joke 
PLAYBOY: If you're always laughing and 
joking, why are so many of the songs 
you've written sad? 

NELSON: Those are the three-in-the- 
morning songs. That's when you may 
not feel so much like a joke. Also, as a 
songwriter I'm challenged by sad songs. 
"They're harder to write. 

PLAYBOY: What makes them harder? 
NELSON: I don't know, but I can knock off 
a happy ditty pretty easily. Something 
real—something meaningful and deep- 
er—is harder. You may not be feeling all 
that happy when a song comes in the 
middle of the night. You may not be feel- 
ing so good because you had too much 
to drink or stayed out too late. So the 
feeling might be there, but crafting it in- 
to a song is the challenge. And, of course, 
sometimes you're fooling around on the 
guitar and suddenly you just played a 
piece of a new song and it wakes you up. 
You think, What was that? I just wrote a 
song. Of course, then you can't remem- 
ber it [laughs]. All those lost songs. So the 
sad songs may come from sad experi 
ences, but not necessarily. You draw on 
your past—the stories that you've heard, 
your friends’ lives. If I write a song 
about breaking up with my girlfriend, it 
doesn’t mean I'm breaking up with my 
girlfriend. It means I thought it would 
make a good song. 

PLAYBOY: But to write or sing the blues, 
don't you have to have lived them? 
NELSON: If they're real, yeah. But at the 
same time I wrote songs about love af- 
fairs when I was five and six years old 
and 1 hadn't had any. I just listened to 
other songs and realized I could write 
ones, too. I had no idea what I was talk- 
ing about even though I thought I did. 
But the truth is that you couldn't sing 
songs and make them believable if you 


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hadn't experienced the blues. If they 
come across as real maybe it's because 
they are real. It doesn't mean I'm de- 
pressed when I'm writing, though I have 
been there. It's not like I started writing 
songs as a way to express how sad 1 was. 
1 wrote poems before I could play the 
guitar, and after I learned a few chords 
and put melodies to the poems. I knew I 
could make a rhyme and write songs, so 
1 never really made the decision to start 
doing it. I just did it. I thought every- 
body could do it. I make records when I 
have enough songs to go into the studio. 
Then I go out and play—play the songs 
every night. 

PLAYBOY: You're smoking a joint as we 
talk. Do you believe pot is harmless? 
NELSON: Too much of anything is no 
good. Too much alcohol, too much sug- 
ar. I think pot is a lot less harmful than 
alcohol for most people. What happens 
to people on pot? They get mellow! Peo- 
ple who are drinking can get dangerous, 
but not people on pot. People I know 
have quit every drug and even drinking, 
but they may still smoke a little pot to 
take the edge off. That doesn't bother 
me. I don't drink as much as I used to. I 
don't get drunk anymore. If you take a 
couple of sips, there ain't nothing wrong 
with that. 

PLAYBOY: Does marijuana affect your 
memory? 

NELSON: What was the question? [Laughs] 
I don't know if it does. I remember an 
awful lot about an awful long life, and I 
don't know if I would want to remember 
any more [laughs] 

PLAYBOY: Do you think that there's any 
chance the pot laws will be changed? 
NELSON: They may be, someday. There is 
some momentum at least in terms of 
medical marijuana. I love that they don't 
want people who are dying to smoke pot 
because —why? It will kill them? People 
smoke marijuana and their brains don't 
fall out. It's not a big deal and most 
people know that. I have cut down. [He 
smokes and laughs.] Г am healthier now 
than I have ever been. I run almost 
every day, and if the weather's good, 1 
play golf. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry that you ro- 
manticize pot and drinking? 

NELSON: I hope I don't. There's a whole 
thing about romanticizing the lifestyle 
and I agree that it can be dangerous. 
Many of my heroes when 1 was a kid 
were alcoholics, which I think is a bad 
thing. What are you learning? Some- 
where along the way you think if I'm go- 
ing to be like Hank Williams I got to get 
drunk like Hank Williams. I sure tried it 
and I'm glad I'm not doing it anymore. 
George Jones drank. Bob Wills. A lot of 
them. I'm not blaming Hank or anyone. 
I would have drunk anyway. Most young 


66 people do at some point. But I admire 


the people who pulled themselves out. 
They are the real heroes. I admire the 
ones who survived and got sober. It ain't 
romantic to be a drunk. Which leads to a 
joke Roger Miller told me about the guy 
kicking tires at a used car lot. Ihe sales- 
man came up and asked, "You thinking 
about buying a car?" The guy said, “No, 
I'm gonna buy a car. I was thinking 
about pussy." That's in my book. 
PLAYBOY: Why did you write the book? 
NELSON: Just something I always want- 
ed to do and there was a lot of interest. 
Thought it would be the best to do like 
a daily diary or journal. Whenever I got 
up in the morning I tried to remember 
where I was or guess where I was last 
night and write about all that and throw 
in a joke every now and then. Whatever 
I thought about at the moment. 
PLAYBOY: Do you keep journals? 

NELSON: Never keep them, but if I did 
that's what they would sound like. 
PLAYBOY: Was it similar to writing songs? 
NELSON: Completely different, a lot easi- 
er. Songs have to have a form, to rhyme, 
to follow a theme, but when I write this 
other stuíf I can go all different direc- 
tions. When you run out of something 
smart to say it's nice to be able to tell a 
joke, which is why I told all these stupid 
jokes in the book. 

PLAYBOY: Is it a struggle each time you 
write a song? 

NELSON: It gets easier over time. You get 
better at it like anything else. You get 
pretty good at it and instinctively know 
what you have to do. One of the hardest 
things is keeping it within limits. It can't 
be 20 minutes long—has to be two or 
three minutes. That's the challenge. 
PLAYBOY: When you play your songs, do 
they bring you back to the time you 
wrote them? 

NELSON: Depends on whether I want to 
go there or not. Sometimes it's not that 
pleasant to make all those trips; some- 
times you don't want to feel it. But some- 
times you do—the songs take you there. 
PLAYBOY: Do you know how people will 
like any given song? Can you predict 
which songs will become hits? Do you 
have a sense if a song has the potential to 
become a classic—an On the Road Again 
or Crazy? 

NELSON: | wish I did, but you never 
know. A lot of songs I have written— 
99 percent or more—have never been 
heard by anyone. 1 think they are good 
songs, as good as any. I have written 
more than 1000 songs, most of them 
never recorded. The timing wasn't right 
or whatever. The songs that became the 
hits don't tell the whole story. Most songs 
disappear without a trace. You never 
know how people will take to them, what 
will strike a chord. 1f you did, you'd al- 
ways do it. You'd record only hits. No 
one can do that. 


PLAYBOY: Do you like to listen to your 
voice? 

NELSON: Sometimes. I hear me a lot, so I 
can get sick of it. I listen in a different 
way than most folks probably do. I am 
critical, listening for when lm on key 
and in tune and when I'm sounding like 
a hyena or something. Other than that, 1 
just do it and don't ask too many ques- 
tions. It works best that way. Im just 
glad people like it when they do. I am 
blessed they do. I don't have an act. I'm 
like this all the time. I'm just me. I'm 
lucky if I can remember the words. If I 
can, that’s really all I have to do on any 
given day. 

PLAYBOY: In your book you recount the 
night when you forgot the words to Crazy. 
NELSON: [Laughs] Yeah, I did. Never had 
before. The audience always likes it 
when I mess up. They think I'm ripped. 
I wasn't. Just forgot 

PLAYBOY: Your biggest hit song was On the 
Road Again. What inspired it? 

NELSON: Í was asked to write a song for 
the movie Honeysuckle Rose by the pro- 
ducer, Sydney Pollack. I asked, “What do 
you want the song to say?” Sydney said, 
“Something about being on the road 
again.” So I said, “How about this: ‘On 
the road again, on the road again, I just 
can't wait to get on the road again. The 
life I love is making music with my 
friends, and I can’t wait to be on the road 
again.’ How's that?” He said, “Some- 
thing like that, sure." He wasn't that 
impressed. 

PLAYBOY: Honeysuckle Rose was one of the 
few major movies you've done. How have 
you chosen them? 

NELSON: You can trap me with a guitar or 
a horse. Write a story about those and I'll 
jump it. I'm doubtful about anything 
else. Wait. 1 have a little joke. Did you 
hear about the duck that went into the 
bar and said, “You got any grapes?” And 
the bartender says, “No.” So the duck 
left, then came back the next day and 
said, “You got any grapes?” Bartend- 
er said, “No.” Third day he came back, 
said, “You got any grapes?” The bar- 
tender said, “No. I didn't have none yes- 
terday, the day before, today don’t have 
none. I won't have none tomorrow. If 
you ask me again, I'm going to nail your 
feet to the bar.” The duck comes back 
the next day, says, “You got any nails?” 
The bartender says, “No.” And the duck 
says, “Well, you got any grapes?” Sorry. 
What did you want to know again? 
PLAYBOY: Some musicians complain that 
they're pigeonholed in one musical 
genre. You record and sing everything, 
How have you gotten away with this? 
NELSON: Fooled an awful lot of people an 
awful lot of the time [laughs]. I'm lucky, I 
know it. I just play music I like. Many 
people can’t do that. People are always 
worrying about if I am country, rock and 


roll, blues or whatever. They don't know 
where to put the new Willie Nelson CD 
in the record stores. When I came out 
with Milk Cow Blues, working with peo- 
ple like B.B. King, Dr. John and Su- 
san Tedeschi, they were worried that it 
shouldn't go in the Willie Nelson bin in 
country music because it didn't fit. It was 
blues, but what about the rest of the 
Willie Nelson records? Where do you 
put Stardust? That ain't country or blues. 
Where the hell does my new record, The 
Great Divide, go? It's one of the reasons 
1 like the Internet. People can listen in 
and see what they think and are more 
likely to try new things. A kid into rock 
and roll ain't going to go hanging out in 
the country section of a record store, but 
maybe he would like 
a song filed away over 
there. Gospel, reg- 
gae, dassical—what- 
ever. It's why I collab- 
orate with everyone 
from B.B. to Merle 
Haggard to Sheryl 
Crow. On the new 
record, I'm doing 
songs by Bernie Tau- 
pin and Mau Serletic, 
and Lee Ann Wo- 
mack sings with me. 
So do Bonnie Raitt, 
Brian McKnight, the 
Jordanaires and Kid 
Rock. It's a hell of 
a good time. But it'll 
drive you crazy if you 
want to classify it. 
PLAYBOY: After all 
your collaborations, 
is there anyone left 
you haven't worked 
with that you would 
like to? 

NELSON: I would like 


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all in the same place in Texas and they 
asked me to do a rap on On the Road 
Again with them. It was fun. I’m always 
interested in something new. 

PLAYBOY: Do you like rap? 

NELSON: I like some of it, don't like some. 
PLAYBOY: Some people criticize rap and 
hip-hop for violent and misogynistic 
lyrics. 

NELSON: I don't like that shit and don't. 
necessarily want to encourage it. But 
1 understand it's the way people are 
speaking. Rather than worry about try- 
ing to put an end to Eminem or some 
other rapper, Lil Black or Dr. Dre or 
Snoop Dogg, whatever or whoever, poli- 
ticians should think about why they're 
rapping. If they are growing up in a vio- 


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PLAYBOY: What in- 
spired the collabora- 
tion with Paul Simon? 
NELSON: Га cut Graceland with Paul. 1 
love that song. I know that some people 
think it's strange when they hear me 
playing with someone like Paul Simon, 
but I don't make those distinctions. To 
me, we're all musicians. What's the dif- 
ference between a rock musician and a 
country musician? I can relate to reggae 
musicians or classical musicians. We're 
all just playing music. I've done it with 
just about anybody. Bob Wills, Bob Dyl- 
an. Waylon Jennings. Johnny Cash. Ju- 
lio Iglesias. 

PLAYBOY: Including rapper Lil Black, 
who made a wild version of On the Road 
Again? 

NELSON: It just happened that we were 


> Department 4007N2 


lent ghetto, do people expect them to 
sing about flowers and—whatever the 
hell? It’s a lot easier to try to censor 
some kid swearing about the poverty on 
the street or whatever it is than to stop 
the poverty on the street. Solving prob- 
lems is harder. 

PLAYBOY: Yet you try. What brought you 
to the issue of the family farms and the 
founding of your charity, Farm Aid? 
NELSON: I started Farm Aid in 1985. 1 
worked on farms and ranches growing 
up, but I didn't know there were any 
problems. Neil Young and I were just 
talking. After all these concerts, you'd 
think the farm situation might be better. 
PLAYBOY: It's not? 

NELSON: It's not. It's getting worse. I al- 


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ways knew about farming—grew up on 
them. Knew it was hard and knew that 
farmers didn't always make ends meet. 
Later I saw the Live Aid concert, Bob 
Geldof's benefit held the same day in 
England and the U.S. The money was 
for the famine in Ethiopia. Everybody 
played—Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Oz- 
zy Osbourne, Madonna. I was in a motel 
somewhere and was watching when Bob 
Dylan came out and played. He said, “It 
would be nice if some of this money 
that’s going out all over the world could 
stay here at home. Our family farmers 
are in trouble.” I started checking 
around and learned more. I discovered 
that it was a serious problem. I was 
working in Springfield for the state fair 
and ran into the gov- 
ernor, who came by 
for a bowl of chili. We 
were talking about 
the farm problems 
and he told me more. 
We started talking 
about a concert. The 
first Farm Aid show 
was in Champaign, 


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tunately, things don’t 
work like that. We 
once had 8 million 
family farms in the 
Fifties, and now we're 
down to less than 2 
million and we're still 
losing them—losing 
500 a week. 
PLAYBOY: Why arc 
small farmers better? 
NELSON: The huge 
companies are de- 
stroying the environment. We've seen 
what happens when you aren't careful. 
Look at the mad cow disease and hoof- 
and-mouth disease. Small farmers have 
to take better care of their land, have 
fewer animals grazing. We also need to 
stop producing genetically engineered 
food, another fiasco introduced by agri- 
business. They only care about volume, 
not health, and never mind taste. I want 
a tomato that tastes like a tomato, not 
one that tastes like a piece of—I don't 
know—cardboard. 

PLAYBOY: How would you help farmers? 
NELSON: Farmers should get fair prices. 
PLAYBOY: Does that mean subsidies? Why 
should farmers be given special feder- 
al subsidies and special help from the 


3 sales tax 


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NELSON: They don't really want subsi- 
dies. They want enough money to make 
a living without subsidies. They want 
enough moncy for their product and 
don't want giveaways or welfare, but 
they can't compete with the corporations 
subsidized by the government. America 
was founded as a place for everyone, 
where everyone has an opportunity. Do 
we want itto be a place only for the rich? 
1 don't. It’s worth fighting for and that's 
the American way, too. After Seprember 
11, everyone forgot what it is we're try- 
ing to protect. It’s understandable that 
we want to be safe, but let's not lose the 
America we love. After the terrorist at- 
tack we're not supposed to criticize Amer- 
ica. It's viewed as unpatriotic. Bur true 
patriotism is wanting America to be the 
best place it can be 

PLAYBOY: How did September 11 change 
your life? 

NELSON: Like everyone. I watched it and 
at first thought it was a movie they were 
promoting. I hear that kids saw that over 
and over again and didn’t understand 
that it was a single attack—they thought 
that it kept happening every time they 
showed it on TV. I didn’t like the way 
the news media exploited it. No wonder 
we're toughened to things like that. We 
see it and don't know it's real because we 
are bombarded with images. Every time 
you see it, it starts looking more and 
more unreal. How long are we going to 
exploit it? When are we going to let itbe- 
come what it was? Are we going to learn 
lessons from it or keep making the same 
mistakes? 
PLAYBOY: What lessons? 

NELSON: Are we going to look at poverty, 
disproportionate wealth and the horrors 
in the world or ignore them? The poor- 
est places are the ones where terrorism 
breeds. If someone wants to kill me bad 
enough to kill himself at the same time, 
there has to be a reason. People jump all 
over you if you ask the question, but if 
someone in America murdered 10 peo- 
ple or 3000, the first thing we would ask 
is Why? Nothing can justify the attack, 
butthere might have been something we 
could do to prevei k in the fu- 
ture. I'm not talking about giving in or 
negotiating with terrorists. I'm talking 
about looking at the complaints of peo- 
ple in the world who hate us. Is it be- 
cause our troops are over there? Are we 
afraid to say that? Anything else? Our 
policies regarding Israel? I'm not say- 
ing we should stop doing anything thcy 
don't like just because they don't like it, 
but we should understand why and try 
to acknowledge that people in other 
parts of the world have rights, too. That 
they matter. What arrogance to say it 
doesn't matter what they think. It's not 
un-American to ask these questions. It's 
un-American not to ask them. America 


really stands for human rights and free- 
dom. Let's apply it everywher 
PLAYBOY: What led to your performance 
at the benefit for September 11 victims 
at which you sang America the Beautiful? 

ust got a call and they asked. 
1 would do it. Everybody at 
the show felt helpless and wanted to do 
something. If any of us could have got- 
ten ahold of Osama bin Laden, we 
would have cut him into a million pieces, 
but we couldn't get ahold of him. We are 
still frustrated. We may have gotten a 
whole lot of people, but not the ones 
who actually did it. Where is Osama? 
How do you stop terrorism when your 
enemy is scattered in 80 countries? At 
least they stopped pretending that we 
have won any wars. For a while they 
were saying it: We won the war, blew 
Afghanistan sky-high. Big deal. Blew up 
a lot of dirt. I can't see that we have won 
any wars. The information you get from 
the people in charge is frustrating; they 
lead you to believe that they don't know 
any more than you know. All the alerts— 
trying to scare the hell out of us—don't 
seem much good. I'm not sure what 
good there is to try to scare the death out 
of every man, woman and child in this 
country saying the bogeyman is coming. 
If they know for sure, that's one thing. 
But the more times you hear them say 
“Be alert,” the less alert you get. You can 
only stay so alert. When you say some- 
thing and it doesn't happen, you've lost 
the crowd. 

PLAYBOY: After the concert, some peo- 
ple were saying that the moncy wasn’t 
reaching the victims of the attacks. What 
was your view? 

NELSON: I hope the people who deserved 
the money got it. After Farm Aid, I know 
the types of problems you can have with 
a charity. You get a lot of calls and letters 
asking for money. Most are legitimate re- 
quests but some are not. I'm sure with 
the millions we took in at all the shows, 
there were criminals trying to figure out 
how to get the money. I can understand 
why you would want to take your time. 
Maybe they took more time than anyone 
thought it should. 

PLAYBOY: In our interview with Bill 
O'Reilly from Fox News, he was particu- 
larly incensed about this issue. 

NELSON: Bill O'Reilly screams because it 
gets more people watching him. I used 
to pull tricks like that when I was in ra- 
dio. I used to read letters from the one 
listener who was saying what a horrible 
disc jockey I was and how did I ever get 
into this business. I'd get 20 more letters 
from listeners telling me how good I 
was. 1 know what O'Reilly is up to. He's 
building his ratings. He ain't bullshitting 
anybody. He would build ratings any 
way he could—by putting down whoev- 
er on the way. 

PLAYBOY: He maintained that celebrities 


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who asked the public to give had a re- 
sponsibility to make sure the money got 
to the intended recipients. 

NELSON: We did, and as far as 1 know 
it did. 

PLAYBOY: He also complained that celeb- 
rities wouldn't discuss it on his show. 
NELSON: And help him with his ratings? 
Why? That's one show I won't be doing. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk some about your 
background. 

NELSON: I can't remember. You know, all 
that pot. . . . [Laughing] 

PLAYBOY: What are your earliest memo- 
ries of music? 

NELSON: I was raised in the cotton fields 
around Abbott, Texas. There were Afri- 
can Americans and Mexican Americans 
and we listened to their music all the 
time. I also heard gospel music, Hank 
Williams and whatever else was on the 
radio—country or jazz or blues. There 
was music in the family, too, since my 
grandparents, who raised me, played. 
They took music courses by mail. My 
older sister Bobbie played piano and I 
gota guitar when I was little. She played 
and I'd play along. Don't Sit Under the 
Apple Tree, When Johnny Comes Marching 
Home. The first song I ever sang was 
Amazing Grace. Since early childhood, 
we played together in church, sang in 
school and went around to talent con- 
tests. Still playing together. 

PLAYBOY: When did you begin to write 
songs? 

NELSON: I wrote poems before I wrote 
songs and then 1 put them to music. My 
first guitar had strings so far off the frets 
that they made my fingers bleed, but I 
played all the time. 

PLAYBOY: When did you have your first 
professional gig? 

NELSON: I played around when I was 
pretty young, playing some of the rough- 
est joints anywhere. The best was the 
Bloody Bucket in West Texas when we 
carried pistols in our guitar cases. I went 
from Texas to Tennessee, Nashville, to 
try to break into the business. I was writ- 
ing songs but it wasn't until I went back 
to Texas that I found an audience for 
what I was doing. Sold my first songs. 1 
got $50 for Family Bible and $100 for 
Night Life. It was like getting a million 
bucks. 

PLAYBOY: Who was coming to see your 
shows? 

NELSON: It changed over time. The au- 
dience for country music was chang- 
ing, expanding. I had grown my hair 
and was playing just when the hippie- 
redneck thing was a big deal in Texas. 
The long-haired hippies over here liked 
country music by Hank Williams and 
Waylon and other people, and the old 
redneck cowboys liked the same thing. I 
sort of put them together with Red Head- 
ed Stranger, which was the first big suc- 
cess I ever had. Blue Eyes Crying in the 


Rain was a single that did well, too. The 
look I had until then was me trying to 
look like I was supposed to look: putting 
on a suit and tie and short hair. There 
was a show business look and I tried to 
do it, bur I never felt comfortable. It 
took a while for me to figure out exactly 
who I was. 
PLAYBOY: Whar inspired Stardust? 
NELSON: There were more pop songs be- 
ing brought into country music and 
more strings and more arrangements. It 
was just an idea. I wanted to bring back 
Stardust, All of Me and those songs. 1 
played them in clubs and people liked 
them. [t didn't matter that they weren't 
so-called country music. It's just music 
and those are beautiful songs. 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the 
success? 
NELSON: Of course. All I ever wanted was 
to make a living playing music. I did that. 
pretty young. I wanted to be like Ernest 
Tubb and Hank Williams, my heroes. 
The rest is gravy. Good gravy, I admit. 
PLAYBOY: Where did you meet Waylon 
Jennings? 
NELSON: In Phoenix one night in a club. 
He was at an all-night cafe. Ней been 
playing over in another club, and we 
started talking and found out that we 
were both from Texas. We became good 
friends. I miss him, but he'll always be 
around. We wrote Good Hearted Woman 
together. What a great man, a good 
friend. 
PLAYBOY: When you play his songs do 
you miss him? 
NELSON: Sure. It takes time when your 
friend dies. You want to hear a joke? 
PLAYBOY: Are jokes your way not to deal 
with emotions? 
NELSON: Maybe. Hell, I deal with them. I 
been dealing with them all my life. Do 
you want to hear a joke or not? 
PLAYBOY: Why not. 
NELSON: A man and a woman who had 
been married forever were having break- 
fast and the wife said, "Honey, do you 
remember our wedding night when we 
were sitting here 50 years ago? After- 
ward, we were sitting at this same break- 
fast table without any clothes on.” He 
said, “Yeah,” and she said, “Do you think 
we could do that again? Sit here without 
clothes on?” “I guess so,” he said. So they 
took off their clothes and she said, “Hon- 
ey, my nipples are just as hot for you to- 
day as they were 50 years ago,” and he 
said, "I don't doubt it, since one’s hang- 
ing in the oatmeal and the other's in the 
coffee.” [Laughs] 
PLAYBOY: Is it tough to be reaching an 
age when you're watching your friends 
pass away? 
NELSON: You got another choice? Sign 
me up. You just keep breathing and that 
is all you can do. And there's a lot to be 
grateful for and a lot to be excited about. 
(concluded on page 161) 


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Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. 


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Lights Box: 8 mg. "tar" 0.8 mg. nicotine, Medium Box: 12 mg. “tar,” 0.9 mg 
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72 


гига س‎ 


THE FLORIST 


| ШШ 


A Conversation 
with Rohan Gunaratna 


just what you want to hear: terrorists 
are on the street where you live 


series of visits to Pakistan in 1993. Since then he's be- 
come the world's foremost expert on Islamist terror- 
ism. The Sri Lankan native has interviewed more than 200 
Al Qaeda members and has written six books on armed con- 
flict. From 2000 to 2001 he served as principal investigator 
for the United Nations’ Terrorism Prevention Branch. A con- 
sultant on terrorism to governments and corporations, Gu- 
naratna travels extensively, this summer shuttling between 
the US., Singapore and Scotland, where he is a senior re- 
search fellow at the University of St. Andrews’ Center for the 
Study of Terrorism and Political Violence. His extraordinary 
new book, Inside Al Qaeda (Columbia University), demon- 
strates his profound understanding of terrorist mechanics. 
A surprise best-seller, it's already regarded as the definitive 
work on А} Qaeda. Behind his gentle demeanor and even- 
handed scholarship, Gunaratna is unsparing in assessing the. 
threat of Al Qaeda. This past summer he visited PLAYBOY's 
Chicago offices and painted a disturbing picture of our do- 
mestic security in a conversation with Leopold Froehlich 


R OHAN GUNARATNAS interest in Al Qaeda began with a 


COLLAGE BY JOHN CRAIG 


sanpwıc 
SHOP 


(ocu 


PLAYBOY: The September 11 hijackers lived undetected here 
for a year and a half. Are there more members in the U.S. now? 
GUNARATNA: Yes, there is an Al Qaeda presence. Al Qaeda has 
two types of cells in America. Support cells disseminate pro- 
paganda, recruit, raise funds and procure technologies 
"They'll buy Osama bin Laden a satellite phone. They'll find 
safe houses, rent vehicles and mount initial reconnaissance 
on future targets. The operational cells are the Mohamed 
Atta type of cells. When a target has already been identified, 
they will come. They do final reconnaissance or surveillance 
and execute the operation—assassination, bombing, suicide 
attack, whatever. Both types of cells are active. But now that 
there's a state of alert in the U_S., most of the cells here are 
support cells. Operational cells are established before an at- 
tack, because operations are the most vulnerable to detection. 
PLAYBOY: You've said you believe Bin Laden is alive in Pa- 
kistan. Do you expect him to go public again? 

GUNARATNA: Yes. It was in his interest to maintain ambiguity 
immediately after troops arrived in Afghanistan. But 
now that he's stabilized himself he'll make it known that he's 


alive and Al Qaeda is active. 

PLAYBOY: What are the next Al Qaeda hot spots targeted here? 
GUNARATNA: Actually, the Midwest and New York-New Jersey 
are two active areas. But it’s likely that because Al Qaeda 


Americans work for Al Qaeda. 
They arouse less suspicion 
when they cross borders. 


knows these locales are being watched they'll establish a 
presence in other states also. 

PLAYBOY: You say in your book that there's a degree of sym- 
pathy with Al Qaeda's objectives among American Muslims. 
How much sympathy, and with what specific pursuits? 
GUNARATNA: American Muslims don’t want to support terror- 
ism, but there is a segment of the Muslim community that 
has been radicalized and politicized to a point that, although 
they live here, they would have no problem with witnessing 
another September 11. They're angry with the U.S. And 


73 


74 


some of them are convinced the U.S. 
must be attacked. This fifth column of 
A] Qaeda in America is small, but they 
make it possible for Al Qaeda to oper- 
atc here. The hijackers knew so much 
about how to behave in this country. 
How did they know that? 

PLAYBOY: We're told that Atta was well 
assimilated into American culture. How 
well docs Al Qaeda actually understand 
this culture? 

GUNARATNA: They have a significant un- 
derstanding of Western societies be- 
cause they have penetrated them for at 
least 10 years. They have people in the 
West as their fifth column. Because of 
that, they know how to blend in 
PLAYBOY: Who is the typical Al Qaeda 
supporter in New Jersey, Michigan or 


Texas? Is he a doctor? A shopkeeper? 
Taxi driver? 

GUNARATNA: We can't exactly say they. 
are from a particular class. Al Qaeda is 
integrated vertically and horizontally 
in the Muslim communities. They have 
supporters, collaborators, sympathiz- 
ers and members from all those levels. 

We know the core leadership usually 
comes from upper- and middle-class 
families. Bin Laden is from the rich- 
est nonroyal Saudi family. Ayman al- 
Zawahiri, a pediatrician, is from an 
educated Egyptian family. But most of 
the membership comes from the lower 
ranks. The middle Al Qaedas, who are 
the experts, come from middle-class 
families. They've attended universities. 
pıAYBOY: What's the appeal of Ameri- 


cans to Al Qaeda? 
GUNARATNA; U.S. passport holders 
arouse less suspicion when they cross 
borders. Retired and active military 
personnel work for or support Al Qae- 
da. For instance, Ali Mohamed trained 
Bin Laden's bodyguards. He was part 
of an Al Qaeda team that included 
other retired U.S. military personnel 
who went to Bosnia to train and arm 
Muslims. 

PLAYBOY: How does Al Qaeda work in 
the States? 

GUNARATNA: They rely on affiliates for 
support. Al Qaeda did not establish 
these organizations, many of which en- 
joy charitable status; they infiltrated 
them. Since September 11 the FBI has 
stepped up surveillance, freezing the 


They rely on 
American affili- 
ates for support. 
Al Qaeda did not 
establish these or- 
ganizations—they 
infiltrated them. 


funds of some U.S.-based Islamic or- 
ganizations. The Benevolence Inter- 
national Foundation and the Global 
Relief Foundation, both based in Chica- 
go, are currently being investigated by 
U.S. authorities for their alleged links 
with terrori: 
PLAYBOY: How did the BIF set up shop 
here? 
GUNARATNA: Adel Batterjee formed the 
Benevolence International Foundation 
in Florida in 1992. Shortly afterward 
he moved it to Chicago. Enaam Ar- 
naout, a Syrian-born U.S. citizen, be- 
came the BIF's American head, a post 
he continues to hold. Arnaout traveled 
widely, visiting the Balkans, the Cauca- 
sus and Asia, channeling U.S.-generat- 
ed humanitarian support. Until it was 
raided by the feds last December, BIF 
Chicago supported an office in Pesha- 
war, Pakistan. BIF Peshawar funded an 
orphanage near Kabul in Afghanistan 
The patron of the orphanage is a for- 
mer employee of the Taliban Foreign 
Ministry, with whom Bin Laden and 
his family stayed six months after they 
returned to Afghanistan. 
PLAYBOY: Do former BIF members still 
operate in Chicago? 
GUNARATNA; When the FBI raided the 
BIF's Chicago office, the search warrant 
named a well-known employee of MAK, 
the Afghan Service Bureau. From 1995 
to 1998, another BIF Chicago employee 
gave radical speeches throughout the 
US. in support of jihads in Afghanistan 
(continued on page 147) 


“What did до this summer? What didn't I do!" 


75 


1. UNFAITHFUL finds Diane Lane 
in an otherwise happy marriage 
with Richard Gere until a chance 
encounter with lothario Olivi- 
er Martinez [pictured) ignites 
an adulterous marathon, Adrian 
Lyne style. 2. GANGS OF NEW 
YORK is Martin Scorsese's long- 
awaited epic about warring gangs 
in New York City in the 19th cen- 
tury. Leonardo DiCaprio, seeking 
revenge for the death of his fa- 
ther, can't resist gun-toting pick- 
pocket Cameron Diaz. S 


lrish to visit a brothel (right). 


© " о 


PLAYBOY 


Martinez. In Y Tu Mamä Tambien, the 
beautiful, sad (and, as we are to dis- 
cover, doomed) Maribel Verdü took 
up with two bright, confused, not yet 
formed young men on a road tri 
Mexico. In Crush, Andie MacDowell, 
the buttoned-up headmistress of a Brit- 
ish boarding school, became complete- 
ly unbuttoned in the hands of a church 
organist she met at a funeral. In Love- 
ly and Amazing, the unhappy Catherine 
Keener slept with the manager of the 
one-hour photo place where she works, 
mostly because he says she's really cute. 
(He was right.) He's played by Jake Gyl- 
lenhaal, who also plays the younger 
man who has an affair with Jennifer 
Aniston in The Good Girl. Apparently 
he's the Older Woman's Younger Man 
of the Year. In Harvard Man, under- 
graduate Adrian Grenier slept with his 
philosophy professor Joey Lauren Ad- 
ams. In Tadpole, teenager Aaron Stan- 
ford develops a crush on his stepmoth- 
er, played by Sigourney Weaver, but 
ends up toddling into bed with her 
rambunctious best friend, Bebe Neu- 
wirth. One of the problems facing the 
couple in the Israeli film Late Mar- 
riage is that his family disapproved of 
her for a host of reasons, her age being 
among them. In Van Wilder, a disgust- 
ingly decrepit old lady dean extorted 
some action out of the campus king, 
and even in Minority Report, Lois Smith, 
playing the scientist who invented pre- 
crime, enlivened an actionless scene 
full of expository dialogue by planting 
a big, hardly maternal wet one on Tom 
Cruise's lips. 

The single most erotic moment of 
the year came in Roger Dodger, when 
the gorgeous, 30-something Jennifer 
Beals passionately kisses the 16-year- 
old Jesse Eisenberg. The kiss is the cul- 
mination of a long, sexually charged 
sequence in which the young man and 
his uncle, Roger, have been trying to 
pick up two women ina bar in hopes of 
bringing on the young man's sexual 
оп. The sexual tension is palpa- 
ble and, unlike so many movies, the au- 
dience has absolutely no idea whether 
or how the men will succeed. The kiss 
is a sublime moment in a pretty terrific 
film—arresting, provocative, memo- 
rable. (In fairness, the kiss in Spider- 
Man between the upside-down Tobey 
Maguire and Kirsten Dunst in her 
rain-soaked blouse had a lot going for 
it, too.) 

For some reason, the sexuality of 
older women is a subject that's in the 
air. This is also the year, you'll recall, 
when The Sexual Life of Catherine M., 
Catherine Millers graphic memoir of 
30 years of sexual adventure, enjoyed 
considerable attention. But there 
were examinations of female sexuality 


that didn't include older women. Me 
Without You is the story of the 25-year 
friendship of two girls, Marina and Hol- 
ly, wonderfully played by Anna Friel 
and Michelle Williams. Marina is the 
sexy, adventurous one, while Holly is 
deeper and seemingly less attractive 
(not so, really). Interesungly, unlike so 
many chick flicks, the jealousy and 
competition that is a subtle, almost un- 
spoken part of any friendship is this 
film's dramatic heart. In The Sweetest 
Thing. perhaps the most hideous movie 
ofthe year, Cameron Diaz is a player in 
San Francisco who comes face-to-face 
with the possibility that she has found 
her one true love. Diaz, who endeared 
herself to audiences for the sweet 
aplomb with which she pulled off the 
hair-gel scene in There's Something About 
Mary a few seasons back, must have 
thought she could pull off Farrelly 
brothers without the Farrellys. But as 
they themselves have so often shown, 
it's not easy to make this kind of movie. 
Among the plot digressions 1s a pro- 
longed blow job joke that alone would 
warrant changing the movie's title to 
The Most Excruciating Thing. 

Previously in the movies, expres- 
sions of female sexuality outside of mar- 
riage or relationships usually end up 
being punished. That's only sometimes 
the case this year. Certainly Diane 
Lane's affair destroyed her lover, her 
marriage and the entire architecture of 
her life. (It's interesting that in Fatal At- 
traction, the last time director Adrian 
Lyne examined this subject, the victim- 
ized spouse, played by Anne Archer, 
killed the temptress and saved her fam- 
ily; this time, the victimized spouse, 
played by Richard Gere, killed the man 
who cuckolded him, and ruined every- 
thing for everybody. So let’s not hear 
any more about guys who get to defend 
their honor.) Similarly, in Vanilla Sky, 
Tom Cruise's life and career were de- 
stroyed by his sexual involvement with 
the crazed Cameron Diaz. And yes, 
Shannyn Sossamon, determined to lose 
her virginity in The Rules of Attraction, 
was simultaneously raped, vomited on 
and videotaped, although in the styl- 
ized, cynical world of Bret Easton Ellis 
(from whose novel the film was adapt- 
ed), such moments are not crises but 
typical of the collateral damage the cul- 
ture wreaks on its young. (The Rules of 
Attraction is additionally smart, funny, 
brilliantly directed, sordid, scary and 
deliberately provocative.) But Andie 
MacDowell's affair was a surprising gift 
in what had become her predictable 
middle age (although her lover gets 
killed), Maribel Verdi's experience 
was a cry of self-affirmation (although 
she dies) and Catherine Keener's af- 
fair in Lovely and Amazing was a small, 


pleasant indulgence for a woman who 
hadn't been able to fulfill her early 
promise (although she gets arrested for 
statutory rape.) All right, how about 
this: In Secretary, Maggie Gyllenhaal 
(yes, sister of the aforementioned Jake) 
ends up in a comedic S&M relationship 
with James Spader that eventually blos- 
soms into love. OK? 

Of course, the movies wouldn't be 
the movies if sex and sexiness weren't 
somehow put on good display. Eliza 
Dushku and Zooey Deschanel in The 
New Guy looked wonderful and were so 
much better than their material; good 
things should happen to them. Kate 
Bosworth and Michelle Rodriguez both 
looked hot in Blue Crush, as did Beyon- 
cé Knowles in Austin Powers in Goldmem- 
ber. Birthday Girl was hardly the breath- 
taking creative adventure that last 
year’s Moulin Rouge was, but Nicole Kid- 
man was even sexier and more pro- 
vocative; her fellow Australian Naomi 
Watts did a brilliant turn in Mulholland 
Dr. Rachel Weisz seemed to be the em- 
bodiment of womanly sophistication in 
About a Boy, Charlotte Gainsbourg was 
elegant and chic in My Wife Is an Actress, 
Nia Vardalos was beautiful in My Big 
Fat Greek Wedding, Brittany Murphy 
was winsome in 8 Mile and Jennifer Es- 
posito did a perfect job adorning The 
Master of Disguise. Elizabeth Berkley, 
shot for Roger Dodger almost entirely in 
glittery, liquid close-ups, has never 
been sexier. 1 don't know who slipped 
whatinto Maura Пегпеуз granola, but 
the wholesome good-girl nurse on ER 
was a tiger in Scotland, PA. 

The discovery of the year is in the 
film CQ, in which Angela Lindvall, play- 
ing an actress in a Barbarella-like mov- 
ie called Dragonfly, combined Sharon 
Tate's beauty with Gwyneth Paltrow's 
inviting screen presence. Perhaps I'm а 
sucker for honey blondes with caterpil- 
lar eyelashes who writhe nearly naked 
on white shag carpeting. (The male 
discovery was the droll, funny Steve 
Coogan in 24 Hour Party People, a terrif- 
ic movie that's more passionate about 
music than sex.) The bravest perfor- 
mance of the year belonged to the pret- 
ty Emily Mortimer in Lovely and Amaz- 
ing. She portrayed a talented young 
actress who is obsessed with her looks 
and what she perceives as their short- 
comings. In one scene, she asks the 
man she's just had sex with to evaluate 
her body. And, surprisingly, he does. 
She gets out of bed and stands before 
him—and us—completely naked as he 
appraises her with clinical detachment. 
"Nice smile, but teeth too yellow. Nice 
boobs from the front, one is bigger 
than the other, a bit droopy from the 
side. In a perfect world your ass would 

(concluded on page 158) 


“] think we really got hurt by the jury selection!” 


85 


SWALLOWING 


FICTION BY 
STEVE AMICK 


iff was into hardware. That fact 

became clear the moment | saw 

her bedroom. There was what 
appeared to be the chopper handlebars 
from a girl's Schwinn, from the mid-Seven- 
ties, complete with bubblegum-pink hand- 
grips and plastic streamers, mounted with 
industrial lag bolts to the wall, just above 
the headboard. Maybe that should have 
tipped me off. But the barbell through the 
clit, making its appearance about an hour 
after the handlebars, was a little more than 
Md bargained for. 

Then again, Tiff was a little more than I'd 
bargained for. She was tough and wild and 
perhaps crazier than anyone I'd had be- 
fore—but fun and up for anything. Certain- 
ly more fun than Neva, the obsessive-com- 
pulsive 34-year-old I'd been floundering 
with the past three years. Stacked up 
against, for example, one of Josef Men- 
| gele's Nazi nurses, Neva would still tip out 
on the less-fun side. But perhaps that's not 
fair. Neva had her good points, though sell- 
inflicted pain wasn't one of them. This was 
a woman who often took a Tylenol before 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYA! 


PLAYBOY 


88 


brushing her hair. The idea of jam- 
ming a metal bar through her clitoris 
would have seemed, to Neva, like sci- 
ence fiction. 

But this new girl, Tiff—she was dif- 
ferent. That fact was written all over her. 
I wasn't exactly used to self-perfora- 
tion, and it was a little disarming. The 
tattoos, I was prepared for—a chain of 
daisies ringing her pullet-like biceps; a 
kissing cousin to Bettie Page, winking 
coyly, probably cribbed from the Al- 
toids ad; and gothic calligraphy, small 
of her back, that said Kyte (and, I 
suspected, 1 WATCH TOO MUCH SIX FEET 
UNDER). I saw them when I asked her 
out, along with the initial piercings— 
the tongue was obvious in conversation 
and the belly button dangle, a pendu- 
lous gold A-bomb, finned, tumescent 
with payload, even through the scrim 
of her blouse. 

The last piercing, though, was not as 
publicly advertised. Word first reached 
me only as I was nuzzling the peach- 
fuzz glory trail just below the belly 
button, gnawing at her hipbones and 
tugging at the Tootsie Pop-print pant- 
ies and inhaling the mix of cotton and 
musk. 

“Tve got something on my dit,” she 
announced suddenly, and though her 
tone was more statement than warning 
or apology—a mere point of trivia rath- 
er than alarm—I took her to mean she 
had some sort of STD. And I thought, 
perhaps a little crushed, Of course she 
does. How stupid would I be to expect other- 
wise? This is a person who walks up lo 
strangers at work and bandies about the 
word pussy. And those Schwinn handlebars 
aren't mounted there just because she thought 
it would dress up the room. 

Eventually, I understood she meant 
something other than a sore or lesion 
when she hooked her thumbs on either 
side of her panties and yanked them 
down, free and clear. She was shaved 
clean—I thought of spring roasters 
and Cornish game hens. Her fingers 
pushed ahead of me, spreading the 
hood to show me. It was a tiny silver 
barbell, straight through her clitoris, 
with two round ends no bigger than 
those little metallic cupcake decora- 
tions I loved as a kid though never un- 
derstood why they were edible. 

But cupcake wasn't my initial thought. 
I swear to God, the first thing that came 
to mind was an image—from TV med- 
ical shows, I guess—of foreign objects 
found inside the human body—pens 
and bobby pins, coins, condoms of 
muled cocaine and, of course, bullets— 
and that moment when the frowning 
ER doctor throws the X ray up on the 
screen and there it is. It must have 
shown on my face, or in my stunned re- 
action, my sluggishness in leaping to 
interact with this souped-up hot rod of 


a vagina. I must have backed away, bit 
my lip, registered the horror of a bug- 
eyed extra in an old haunted-house 
movie. Because she made a comment: 
“OK, then! Not something you're used 
to, I take it," and started to squirm back 
into her pantics like she was closing up 
shop. “Maybe we should just—maybe 
it's too much for you,” she said. Like 
I'm some Shriner, in danger of having 
my ticker poop out. 

"No," I said, though of course it was 
absolutely too much for me. The shav- 
ing and tattoos and the other piercings 
would have been enough to throw me, 
but I wasn't going to say, Na, you're too 
much for me; no, you're too wild. Y wasn't. 
about to say no. 

“No,” I said. “Really, Tiff. I want to 
go down on you—obviousiy—but —” 
‘The truth was, the thing gave me the 
heebie-jeebies. I admit it. Not really 
my thing. But ler's say I could pull my- 
self together enough to do my part— 
wouldn't it hurt her, having me flick 
away at it? Weren't there special in- 
structions for handling? “I’m just won- 
dering if there's any special way I need 
to But I didn't wait for directions. 
I made a tentative lunge, like some slob 
in a Halloween costume bobbing for 
apples. Any suavity in getting my head 
down there was now out the window. 
"This was not going to be an elegant, 
circuitous arrival, a rolling-in-the-surf 
or candle wax-dripping Barry White 
moment, a ballet of serpentine nuz- 
zling. This now fell into the category of 
scientific experimentation: I moved in 
with the awkward caution ofa wary lab 
technician, gave it an exploratory flick 
ofthe tongue. 

The taste of cold metal reminded me 
of the time I made a move to nibble 
Neva's earlobe, only she was wearing 
her grandmother’s pearl earrings with 
very long posts and I guess one of them 
jabbed into her neck or something be- 
cause she elbowed me hard and shoved 
me off her and | ended up using an old 
copy of Mirabella to quietly squeeze one 
off in the bathroom. 

I'm normally pretty good at it, I 
think. But my tentativeness must have 
been showing. "It takes some getting 
used to," Tiff said before squirming out 
from under me and rolling me over 
on my back. She went straight for the 
nipples then continued on. Having no 
hardware obstructions myself, she in- 
haled me straightaway. She was good. 
It was no real surprise, I guess, but she 
was good to the degree of showing off; 
making a point, dusting off her résumé, 
and I knew that Kyle, whoever he vas, 
had never once gotten squeamish. 

“My turn," I said, cutting her off, 
pulling her away from my joint. "Let 
me try again” She was a tiny thing 
and I wanted to show her I could be 


bold; I could be manly and in charge. I 
gripped her around that scrawny waist 
and pulled her on top of me, so she was 
straddling me. I scooted down flat, cup- 
ping her ass and drawing her closer, 
bringing that scary little pussy right up 
to my mouth. She let out a squeal that 
turned into a sigh as she began to ride 
my face. This time there was no escape 
from the weird taste of metal, but I was 
set on proving I was just as wild. 

I opened my eyes, looking straight 
up. Since she was shaved, there was a 
clear line of sight: the underside of 
alert tits, her clenched jaw, pinched 
lids, half-slung mouth, the cockeyed 
wig and her hands as she pressed the 
wall, sliding upward with a shivery sus- 
piration, her fingers wrapped around 
the grips of the handlebars. 

Now she began to really grind. It was 
almost hurting my jaw, the torque she 
exerted. In an attempt to get more oxy- 
gen to my nose and to straighten my 
neck, crimped against the pillow, I be- 
gan to thrash a little, finally managing 
to push the pillow aside and stretch my 
neck, get my head flat on the mattress. 
But thrashing only cgged her on an 
she shifted into a full-tilt buckaroo cow- 
girl routine. And then I choked. 

It wasn't a hair, it wasn't a bad swal- 
low, a weird spasm. 1 couldn't breathe. 

I thrashed more and so did she. I 
tried to scream, but it came out as an 
encouraging moan, a deep vibration, 
and her thighs clenched, trapping me. 
So I shoved. Hard. It must have been 
right at a moment that she no longer 
had a good grip on the handlebars. Or 
maybe in my panic I'd mustered super- 
human strength. She seemed to take 
flight, losing her balance and tumbling 
off the bed, one foot hitting the floor 
with a hard clump. 

I lurched upright, wheezing, slap- 
ping at my chest. There was a sharp 
pain there that I couldn't account for, 
though I suppose it could have been 
because I was pounding on it. I was 
vaguely aware of what was going on 
that moment—including the foggy im- 
pression that Tiff was pissed off, curs- 
ing me and punching me in the leg. 

1 made what I felt at the time was the 
international sign for / think I swallowed 
your clit jewelry. It might have been 
more hand waggling and pointing at 
her general midsection, but I was get- 
ting through to her because the first 
nonviolent thing she said was, “You 
swallowed it? You're fucking kidding!” 

She was standing up now and she 
checked herself, swinging around the 
pink fake-fur gooseneck lamp on her 
bedside table, bending it to her crotch 
Hunching forward, with bowed legs, 
she spread her hood again, toward the 
light. I looked, too. I had the better view. 

(continued on page 138) 


доп САН ALWAYS RETAKE A TEST, BUT 
YOU CANT RELIVE A PARTY, 


HONORABLE MEI 
MIAMI OF OHIO. OHIO UNIVERSITY, COLGATE, PENN STATE, PITT, SOUTHERN ILLINOIS, 
SLIPRERY ROCK. TENNESSEE, TEXAS, DAXTON 


500 OF VOU WROTE, THESE ARE YOUR STORIES. — ALISON PRATO 


Жс ARIZONA STATE “TEMPE HAS DOZENS OF BARS WITHIN FIVE 
qox WE PARTY WITH SUPERSTARS LIKE DEREK JETER AND JENNA JAMESON. 
WE'RE FOUR HOURS FROM MEXICO, FIVE HOURS FROM VEGAS, THREE HOURS 
OM LAKE HAVASU AND SIX HOURS FROM LA." —SCOTT "An Arizona S i 
gaye Hie RaSTEVert pu DEA m nS 
1 ге risaliar"—Steven чш) 4 j 
Bar at Dos Gringos Trailor Park restaurant. WHERE TO MAKE. 
З ‘AN ASS OF YOURSELF: 
ard Eatery, BEST CHEAP BOOZE; Owls Nest. WHAT TO DRINK: oS 
a. THAT RIVALS SPRING BREAK: 1 " 
ee талу ЕАК: The pool at the Marbaya apartmg; 


imme Cer 
eer a : CS 


; 7 WI “Partying is an everyday thing. Granted, you might have to take a п ШЙ 

N" here and there for a midterm, but nobody parties harder. It really JOBSOMON 
\ Labor Day, Halloween and St. Paddy's, when thousands of people сой ШИШЕ 
town in the middle of bum-fucking nowhere (APA, 
"1 WOULD NEVER SEND MY CHILDREN HERE, BECAUSE | DON'T BELIEVE ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION ОВЦЕ y 
STARTED TO WORRY WHEN YOU COULD SMELL ALCOHOL PERMEATING FROM MY PORES. ГМ АСТЫ DATES tad 
CAN FOCUS MORE ON MY EDUCATION. I'M GETTING OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, BUT THAT LEAVES 1] 0 1.0 

T TIE PARTY colNe:-CAREN we WHERE TO GET YOUR DRINK ON: Riley SM 

Garden, the Bear, Joe's, La Salle's, the Grad. WHEN KEGGERS START AT ЗШ 

А.М. AND GIRLS WEAR NOTHING BUT HEINEKEN BOXES: St. Paddy's Day. 

NUMBER OF ARRESTS ON ST. PADDY'S DAY 2002: 107. LOST WEEKEND: La- 


bor Day, when 20,000 people float down the Sacramento River to Beer Can 
Beach on inner tubes. 


зс ROLLINS an с 


۴ 


seven days a week."—Sam ‘WARM CLIMATE, GREAT ACADEMICS, 
65 PERCENT TITS AND ASS WALKING AROUND IN BATHING SUITS. ea 
à. een DRINKING THE SAUCE AND GETTING LUD-MIIAEL “web NICKNAME: 
: ET Cocoa Beach. IG PARTY: On 
a booze cruise on one of the lakes near campus. BEST BASH: Fox Day. 


PX LOUISIANA STATE vev ss zen pnm ne nece нє 
PARTY SCHOOL TONO OF TIMES. COME CHECK US QUT. THERE ARE PLENTY OF GUYS AND HOT 
CHICKS WHO WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME IN BATON ROUGE. ЕШМ “TE you 
really want a taste of LSU, come for a home football game.”—Frank 
web MOTTO: “Win or lose, we booze." 
"When it comes to drinking, WEST VIRGINIA 
“YOU CAN GO OUT ANY NIGHT AND HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR 
LIFE.IWENT TO SOME LOCAL CLUBS LAST NIGHT AND HOOKED 
UPWITH THREE GIRLS."—ZANE “WHEN THE WOMEN GET DRUNK, THEIR 
SHIRTS GO FLYING. Bea > 'E: The pit, which is 
stocked with keg-filled pickup trucks. WHERE TO PICK UP CHICKS: 
Lair Plaza. COOLEST RIDE: The drunk bus. WHERE TO DRAIN YOUR 
BANK: Penny pitcher night at Speedy's. 


“BOULDER сонекте OF RICH WHITE мре FROM THE cacr COLORADO x 
a COAST AND THE SOUTH PLUS W-CTATE HILLNLUEG. THE WOMEN APC BEAUTIFUL WERE TAL 
E. NATURAL BEAUTY, NO NEED FOR MAKEUP. CNOWBOARDER CHICKS AND SOUTH- 
EPU BELLEG ARE THE CREAM OF THE СРОР'-ОНАР ‘ep BIGGEST FRAT PARTY: Lobster and 
nn ee begins at 11 am with 40 kegs and 300 pounds of Maine lobster. 
1 : Check out Foster's and Fish Sticks, thrown the same week 
яга cS Tau Omega. BEST LATE-NIGHT CHOW: The Smelly Deli on the m ood 8 = 
SCO: The deck at La Iguana. DRINKING G. Е Beer darts! Û 


WISCONSIN 574 THERE A BAR IN THIS TOWN TO SUIT EVERY TASTE. THERE ARE BUILDING PAR- 
лке EVERY WEEKEND. WANDER AROUND UNTIL YOU FIND SOMETHING, THEN WALK IN AND GRAB A CUP. EVERYONE IS 
OPEN FRIENDLY AND DRUNK. [TS MOT A SMALL GROUP THAT PARTIES A LOT, ITS AN ENTIRE TOWN THAT PARTIES ALL THE 


tate, h ip te the n Brian “I'm from Los Angeles. Coming to the Mid- 
west to experience something different turned into a drunken blur. To keep warm here, you 
just have to drink.” — Adam Wê NIC! с: Mad Town. WHERE TO GET BUSY: By 
the Abraham Lincoln statue in front of Bascom Hall. WHE: JR DRINK 
Kollege Klub, Bullfeathers, State Street Brats. Hal- 
Joween. REPORTED NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO FLOCKED TO STATE 
STREET LAST HALLOWEEN: 10,000. ERE TO GE: EE 
3 1 Marsh Shapiro's Nitty Gritty. 


ALCOHOL ON THIS CAMPUS FLOWS LIKE WATER. AND THE GIRLS? GOD- CONNECTICUT +r 


DAMN. ITS LIKE А PUSSY PARADE. МЕКИ «wr HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT INA 
PARTY SCHOOL. BARS, FRATS, MIDGET DANCERS. THERE'S NEVER A DULL MO- 
MENT.”—AMANDA “WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF CONNECTICUT FARMLAND WITH NOTHING 


D BETTER TO DO THAN GET DRUNK AND GET LAID'-ADAM > Spring weekend, 


Р Шон attracts thousands and begins with a kill-a-keg party. WHERE TO PARTY HOP: Carriage 
House Road. BES ING LOT BASH: X-Lot. 


"ANY NIGHT OF T. „THE BARS KANSAS * 

ARE РА . WE ASKETBALL ў 

ARE ALWAYS PARTYING THEIR ASSES " 
OFF.”—KEVIN “One government repre- E 


sentative suggested students should not be 
allowed to live within city limits because we 
disturb the peace. Isn't that great?”—Jason we 
Ww A co TII Hi 45: The 
Hawk. SQUTS: Abe and Jake's Landing. 

CKS: Massachusetts 
Street. BEST PEOPLE-WATCHING: 


The Crossing. 
SAN DIEGO STATE X 


mes a week." Span wor cutie, NO 1 x 
>, NO HOMEWORK, TRAUMA, 
SHIT. IM 29 AND CAN'T LEAVE. —RYAN "We're 10 minutes from the 
beach, Our women are typical southern Califernis blende 


“У. bombshells. Women are known to throw off their bikinis, 
Д Srl and indulge in grep Iotemaking.”-—Mark - 


Sigma Chi's Reggae Sunsplash, an all-d 
А live-music and drinking fest. "We 
E start in the morning and don't 
stop until all the brothers 
have gotten laid." —Matt 
WHERE TO PICK UP 
CHICKS: Greek Circle. 


Route. i = i 1 NS. 


at Cumpie's bat have an eight A.M. 
Of course I thought | wouldn't gei 
ember walking 
30. The 
my coat. | slept 
eater, but I still goi 
Il over the lab 

on my qui 


ight. 1 don't 
ut on my roomi 


only article 
in my Py me boots, je 


шо дүп y and bu 
ive you can stumble into eight 


bench, but I go 
Hell, yeah!"—e. 


ATEST SENE WR 


ATW 


Ur T 


MEAN WERE 


SEE TES 


“Well, that took the frost off the pumpkin. Want to plant a few seeds for next year?” 


Au 
nn 
e 


онно, ón c Roll 


miss november 
makes no small plans 


HEN WE ASK Serria Tawan if her first name 

has any special meaning, she thinks for a 
moment. “Yes, it means ‘beautiful, gorgeous, sexy one'—in 
Serria's world," she says, then laughs. "Seriously, my father 
was trying to name me Sierra, like Sierra Nevada. My mom 
thought it was too common and put a spin on it." Serria 
grew up on the South Side of Chicago and moved to Los 
Angeles two years ago to pursue an acting career. cago 
has these popcorn shops that you can smell from a few 
blocks away,” she says, sighing. “Butter, cheese, caramel, 
toffee, fudge—nothing in it is good for you. That's what I 
like! I want to open a shop like that in Beverly Hills some- 
day.” The 24-ycar-old graduated from college with a de- 
gree in finance and is a licensed securities broker. “Being a 
brokeris acting,” she says. “You're trying to convince your 
customer to feel comfortable with you. You just can't win 
an Oscar for it.” After landing small parts in several films, 
Serria became interested in pLayroy when she worked with 
Playmate Daphnce Duplaix on thc set of The Parkers. She 
recently finished what she calls an “action-packed chick 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA AND ARNY FREYTAG 


u 


=” а 


flick" script and got partial funding for 
a screenplay she wrote with Drugstore 
Cowboy scribe Daniel Y write short 
stories and keep a journal that I want 
to make into a book eventually,” she 
says. “My journal is like a girlfriend— 
someone 1 can talk to all the time.” 


lanthropist,” she says. * 
munity and family are my three main 
priorities." Serria is also into self-de 
fense and has a blue belt in karate. “1 
had to flip a guy once,” she confess 
“He was getting too carried away, so 1 
flipped him right on H and his 
eyes got so big. 1 felt bad, but now 
he'll think twice about assuming some- 
one is defenseless." Point taken, but 
what can a guy do to not get flipped? 

good date for me is cooking dinner 
and watching a movie—just sitting 
back on the couch, talking, whisper- 
ing and having a good time. 1am not 
materialistic. I'm attracted to some- 
one who might have nothing but is 
still confident. I also enjoy shaking 
my ass with the best of them at a club. 
I don't half-step—if you do some- 
thing, do it right. If not, stay home. 

See behind-the-scenes video of Serria's 
shoot at cyber.playboy.com 


062124 E 


"| don't believe in monogomy right now,” soys Serrio. “I'm dating a few people cosuclly. Monogamy shouldn't come until you are reody 
to get married. Until then, | think people should dote whoever they wont ond do whatever they wont, within reason.” Do any celebrities 


get her pulse racing? "I don't think anyone famous is particulorly sexy,” she soys. “I prefer regular guys." 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: Sa ит. en 

o RU ит. ERI us: 24 _ “+ 

нес. 5 f ню: _ /20 i ч 

BIRTH EEE актин: Садо Ll _ 7 
To cun а. den Successful business, оте, great 


AMBITIONS: 2 r/e 


TURN-ONS: = 
TURNOFFS: 


Use pepe bby plis imseeuritiey a 
Tightaadk ord people who anit laugh at уйш Дїй ar 
WHEN I GET OLDER: > want a harem Eo Ше Hef has 


-Spire af Ше p ме. 

A SILLY CHILDHOOD mes: IL Жо mall- b-wall Carpet 

meant Carpet on The wall « thot you wouldnt hart 
h ‚ © 


1'M A SUCKER FOR: Dessert: 


Graduation ! NEO DEREN my Short 
Wer Homi ZR LAM jaw bys Im college. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


A distressed man downed several drinks in 
rapid succession. The bartender asked him, 
“You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?” 

“You could say that,” the guy repl 

“It usually doesn’t work, you know,” the bar- 
tender said. 

“No shit,” the man moaned. “I can't get my 
wife anywhere near the water.” 


THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: What 
does Shaquille O'Neal have in common with a 
Catholic priest? 

They're both taller than their sex partners. 


Two honeymooners asked the hotel clerk for 
a suite. “Would you like a bridal?" the clerk 
asked. 

The new bride blushed and replied, “No 
thanks. I'll just hold on to his shoulders until 1 
get the hang o 


А farmer bought a bucket and an anvil. Then 
he stopped at the poultry dealer and bought 
two chickens and a goose. In order to carry 
everything home, he put the anvil in the buck- 
et and carried the bucket іп one hand. He put 
one chicken under each arm and carried the 
goose in the other hand. While he was walk- 
ing home, he encountered a beautiful lady. 
She said, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me how 
to get to 25 Oak Lane?” 

‘The farmer said, “I'm going that way myself. 
Let's take a shortcut down this alley.” 

The woman said, "But how do 1 know that 
when we get into the alley you won't hold me 
up against the wall, pull up my skirt and rav- 
ish me?” 

The farmer said, "I'm carrying a bucket, an 
anvil, two chickens and a goose. How could 
I possibly hold you against the wall and do 
that?” 

The woman replied, “It’s simple. Set the 
goose down, put the bucket over the goose, 
put the anvil on top of the bucket and ГП hold 
the chickens.” 


‚Alter getting tipsy during dinner, a wife told 
her husband, “Tonight you may do whatever 
you want to me, 

The husband thought it over and dropped 
her off at her mother's house. 


Bronpe JOKES оғ THE MONTH: The woman was 
so blonde: 

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she 
slept. 

She thought a quarterback was a refund. 

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. 

She told a friend to meet her at the corner of 
WALK and DONT WALK. 

She thought she couldn't use her AM radio 
in the evening. 


What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a 
puppy have in common? 
A wet nose. 


A man on a road trip stopped ata rest arca to 
relieve himself. The first stall in the rest room 
was occupied, so he went into the second one. 
As soon as he sat down, the man in the next 
stall said, “Hi there. How’s it going?" 

The man thought it was odd to start a con- 
versation in a toilet, but just to be nice, he said, 
“Not bad.” 

Then the voice said, “What are you doing?” 

The man reluctantly replied, “Well, I'm on a 
road trip." 

At this, the stranger said, "Look, ГП call you 
back. Every time I say anything to you, some 
idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.” 


When asked by the party host if she would 
like another cocktail, the beautiful brunette 
said, “No, thank you. My husband limits me to 
one drink.” 

“Why is that?” the host asked. 

She replied, “Because after one drink I can 
feel it. After two drinks, anyone can.” 


How do you know when it’s bedtime at the 
rectory? 
When the big hand is on the little hand. 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Twelve o'clock and a-a-all's well!” 


Is The Market 
Hopeless? 


confused about the economy? CNN’s money man has good news 


Jou Dobbs, the sil- 
ver-haired anchor 
of TV's number one 


Ses gram, CNN's Mon- 
eyline News Hour, is in the center of 
the biggest news story of the sea- 
son. It's Dobbs, not Tom Brokaw, 
who provides the deepest cov- 
erage of the fraud, swindles and 
greed at some of America’s stal- 
wart corporations that shocked the 
economy. When yet another scan- 
dal was revealed, he wrote, “As if 
the Enron, Merrill Lynch, Xerox, 
RiteAid, Qwest, Dynegy, Global 
Crossing, Tyco and ImClone scan- 
dals weren't enough, the World- 
Com disgrace offers irrefutable 
proof that corporate America be- 
came rife with corruption toward 
the end of the longest econom- 
ic expansion in our history." Un- 
less the politicians do something, 
Dobbs warned the Dow Jones In- 
dustrial Average—nearly 12,000 
in 2000—will fall to 5000. 
Whether Dobbs is reporting a 
bear or bull market, his Monejline 
leads—in prestige and ratings— 
the other cable TV business-news 
programs, including Fox News’ 
Your World With Neil Cavuto and 
CNBC's Business Center. Besides 
anchoring the show and serving 


article 
BY DAVID SHEFF 


as its managing editor, Dobbs was 
part of the team that founded the 
Cable News Network for Ted Tur- 
ner in 1980. In 1990 he was pre- 
sented with the Luminary Award 
by the Business Journalism Review 
for his “visionary work, which 
changed the landscape of business 
journalism in the Fighties.” Who 
better to help make sense of our 
current financial confusion? 


PLAYBOY: Do you really think 
the market will continue to fall? 
In your newspaper column, you 
warned that the Dow could drop 
to 5000. 


DOBBS: That was hyperbole—a 
warning. I believe politicians have 
been late to understand the seri- 
ousness of the situation, but now 
they're beginning to get it. They're 
understanding the profound na- 
ture of the scandals, and they know 
something must be done. 


PLAYBOY: You've said the stock 
market has become a barometer 
for where we are in our personal 
and national lives. Well? 


DOBBS: Other than the corpo- 
rate scandals, we're doing fine. 
I'm still optimistic about the mar- 


ket and about this economy. It's 
shown remarkable strength and 
resilience, though I'm disappoint- 
ed in the lack of leadership in cor- 
porate America. Investors have 
weathered the greatest slide in 
market history over the past two 
years. The economy, able to re- 
cover from a recession as quickly 
as it did, surprised most of us with 
its overall resilience, particularly 
after September 11. But then we 
were hit by the accounting scan- 
dals. The bad news isn't over in 
terms of scandals and irregulari- 
tes. President Bush has said that 
more scandals will be revealed. 
But a healthy investor skepucism 
will lead to a more solid recovery. 
We'll see less froth in the market. 
Investors will demand real earn- 
ings and real reform. That's a sol- 
id foundation for prosperity. 


PLAYBOY: Did the corporate 
scandals catch you off guard? 


DOBBS: They caught every- 
body off guard. And so many peo- 
ple were hurt—painfully hurt, in- 
cluding employees, investors and 
creditors. It's good that the ac- 
counting business and the man- 
agement of 401(k)s will change as 
а resul. (continued on page 112) 


ILLUSTRATION EY ROBERTO PARADA. 


% 


пеш mall beverages 


compete ith bottled 


beers lo be club cool 


+ 


110 


е like to meet the sassy 
20-year-old trend tracker 
who persuaded all the 
liquor companies to push 

bottled malt beverages. Everybody 
knows that the quality of a cocktail de- 
pends on its ingredients. That goes for 
the simplest of drinks-i-a cuba libre is 
better than an ordinary rum and Coke 
just because of the squirt of fresh lime. 
And that's why there are bartenders. So 
it's baffling when drink manufacturers 
bottle cocktail-like concoctions, but 
there is an explanation, and it has ev- 
erything to do with club cool. For one 
thing, you can't dance with a highball 
glass of vodka and tonic in your hand. 
Hell, it's hard enough just to bob your 
head without spilling. (That's why 
clubs don't serve draft beer.) According 
to U.S. liquor laws, the new bottled 
drinks are in the category of flavored 
beers. That's right. Even though they 
carry familiar names like Stolichnaya, 
Smirnoff, Sauza, Jack Daniel's, Captain 
Morgan, Bacardi and Skyy, these po- 
tions don't contain liquor. Apparently, 
to qualify as malt beverages and to be 
advertised on TV, the alcohol must bé 
brewed, not distilled. Smirnoff recently 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


IN 
% 


took over an old Pabst Blue Ribbon 
brewery in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania to 
meet the demand for its Ice (which has 
already made a sizable dent in thé 
American beer market). Still, most bot- 
tled drinks are intended to taste like fa- 
miliar hard-alcohol favorites—a wa- 
tered-down kamikaze, a mule, a Jack 
and Coke. Some are better than others. 
The ones that we like the best, the dri- 
est ones, are Skyy Blue, Stoli Citrona 
and Smirnoff Ice. For an extra kick, 
you can toss in a shot of the realhing. 
Give the “malternatives” extra credit 
for their television ads, which are sly 
pitches to clubgoers. Consider this one: 
Two chuckleheads are at the bar of a 
club, listening to a Brazilian pretty boy 
wow a gaggle of eurotrash models. The 
boys at the bar pull their scam: “Ser- 
gio? From Rio?" they say. “You know 
Sergio!" says the Brazilian excitedly. 
Our boys have instantly elevated them- 
selves to the level of steakheads (a cut 
above meatheads) with this brainy ploy 
to get in on the good life. Bottles of 
Smirnoff Ice are raised and a legendary 
night of partying ensues, complete with 
a private jet and—like Jan and Dean 
sang—two girls for every boy. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 1%. 


PLAYBOY 


112 


LOU DOBBS 


(continued from page 109) 
We'll fix some of the problems, and at 
some point we'll learn that someone 
has come up a clever new way to 
screw a lot of people. It's regrettable, 
but that's the way it is. 
PLAYBOY: Should Wall Street have real- 
ized earlier that there were problems 
in these companies? 
DOBBS: Some of the best analysts on 
Wall Street said they had no idca in hell 
how Enron conducted its business and 
made that much money. People didn’t 
know and they shrugged their shoul- 
ders. Now we know how Enron did it. 
PLAYBOY: Did you own Enron stock? 
DOBBS: I never invested in Enron, not 
out of any great foresight but because 
I couldn't figure out their business. I 
couldn't find anybody who understood 
their business. 
PLAYBOY: What needs to be done to 
solve the problems we've encountered? 
поввѕ: More disclosure for investors. 
You haye to feel encouraged by the Sen- 
ate and House legislation for greater 
corporate responsibility, but it doesn’t 
go far enough. We need to expense 
stock options in corporate America, but 
we have at least turned the corner and 
are beginning to see real reform. 
PLAYBOY: Should American investors be 
protected in ways they aren't? 
DOBBS: Because of 401(k)s, three quar- 
ters of the workforce is invested in the 
stock market. That's not a bad thing. 
The problem is that companies began 
to push their employees to buy com- 
pany stock and put the investment in 
their 401(k)s. That's double jeopardy. 
If you have stock options in your com- 
pany, your other investments should be 
diversified. Diversification is the surest 
way to protect yoursel 
PLAYBOY: The counterargument is that 
employees invested in their company 
have more skin in the game. 
DOBBS: That's great if you're manag- 
ing the company. But what were the 
people with skin in the game doing at 
Enron? They were selling their stock 
while talking to their employees about 
buying it. 
PLAYBOY: Would you be in support of 
regulations? 
DOBBS: The only protection for an in- 
vestor is education. You can regulate 
until hell freezes over. Intelligence and 
diversification are the simple watch- 
words. You may not get rich overnight, 
but you won't go broke, either. As I 
said, there should be reforms to stock. 
PLAYBOY: Should people hurt by the En- 
ron, WorldCom or other collapses be 
able to recoup their losses? 
DOBBS: It's unfortunate, it’s painful, but 
1 don't see how you make them whole. 
This is a system about risk and reward. 


It is not about mitigating risk after 
the damage is done. At the same time, 
where there is evidence of wrongdo- 
ing, the criminal prosecution should be 
aggressive. 

PLAYBOY: How much of an impact will 
the scandals have on the Bush White 
House? 

DOBBS: Many Democrats want this to be 
a nightmare for the Bush administra- 
tion, and it may well turn out to be one. 
The Republicans would love for it 
to go away. It certainly will not do that. 
"The Democrats aren't in much better 
shape, though. 

PLAYBOY: How has President Bush han- 
dled the scandals? 

DOBBS: 1 give him mixed reviews. He 
was late and weak in addressing the is- 
sues of corporate integrity and reform. 
He chose to call the people responsible 
“a few bad apples" and “bad actors” 
instead of “crooks,” which they are. 
But the administration is finally show- 
ing signs that it wants to deal with the 
problems. So far there's been no action 
against Enron, which is regrettable. We 
need action. 

PLAYBOY: How serious are the accu- 
sations related to Bush's own insider 
trading? 

DOBBS: The president has been investi- 
gated three times in two campaigns. I 
believe there's very little there. It's a di- 
version. It’s mostly payback for White- 
water, which is fair. 

PLAYBOY: How about the charges relat- 
ed to President Cheney and his 
stint at Halliburton? 

DOBBS: Those hold potential for further 
examination. We'll see. 

PLAYBOY: Do you expect Cheney will be 
part of the next ticket with President 
Bush? 

DOBBS: J think we'll see someone else 
on the ticket. 

PLAYBOY: You once donated to the Bush 
campaign. After that, how can you be 
objective? 

DOBBS: I did it when I wasn't at CNN. 
Anyway, I've always been straightfor- 
ward about my political views. 

PLAYBOY: Doesn't it filter into your re- 
porting? If you're a Bush supporter, 
you're likely to ask him different kinds 
of questions than you would ask some- 
one on the opposite side. 

DOBBS: I don't think so. J would ask the 
same questions. My hope is that Га ask 
the right questions. I've covered five 
presidents and their administrations 
and have seen as much stupidity, tom- 
foolery, mistakes and gaffes under one 
as the other. I'm not biased when it 
comes to my job, even if I vote for one 
guy over the other. The audience is bet- 
ter served if it knows how an anchor 
or interviewer votes. Anchors and re- 
porters should fully disclose their po- 
litical leanings and their votes. I have 


been open about it whenever it has 
come up. 
PLAYBOY: But a Republican and Bush 
supporter would probably wish the 
Enron and WorldCom scandals would 
go away. 
DOBBS: I don't wish they would go away 
at all. For the sake of the people who 
were hurt, I wish it had never hap- 
pened. But I am callous about this in 
another way: It is an incredible busi- 
ness story. The way we cover it defines 
our news organization. 
PLAYBOY: You buy and sell stocks. Isn't 
that also a potential conflict of interest? 
DOBBS: I have a number of investments 
that are static and private. I can't just 
go out and trade stocks, although it 
would be a lot of fun. I was never in- 
volved in day trading. I'm very careful 
PLAYBOY: Behind the scandals, how has 
Bush handled the economy? 
DOBBS: As for the recession, he did the 
right thing with tax cuts. They helped 
curtail the slowdown. | marvel at the 
luck of this administration—having 
put that economic stimulus package 
through Congress when they did. Lam 
not a fan of economic stimulus. I don't 
think it's required. We've had a record 
number of interest rate cuts by the Fed. 
We have tremendous stimulus built in- 
to this economy through extra govern- 
ment spending, through the support 
programs for the airline industry and 
the war against terror. 1 would argue 
against those in the administration who 
have pushed for additional economic 
stimulus. 
PLAYBOY: What about the Fed? Did Alan 
Greenspan begin his interest rate cuts 
soon enough? 
DOBBs: There's no question that he was 
too late, and he was too exuberant rais- 
ing rates in 1999 and 2000. But don't 
misunderstand me. Greenspan is one 
of the best Fed chairmen in history. 
PLAYBOY: Where will rates go from here? 
DOBBS: My guess is the rate cuts are fin- 
ished for quite a while. If solid signs of 
growth continue, rates will be kept stable. 
PLAYBOY: Does the Fed have too much 
power? 
DOBBS: No, but the Fed could be more 
forthcoming and timely in revealing 
the reasons for its decisions. It should 
give the public the minutes of its meet- 
ings. This is not a nation ofignoramus- 
es who have to be protected from in- 
formation. We're a country of smart 
people who deserve to know as much 
as possible as soon as possible. I resent 
the Fed's policy of secrecy. 
PLAYBOY: Was it easier working with the 
Bush or the Clinton administration? 
DOBBS: They have been similar. Clinton 
and Gore were extraordinarily acces- 
sible. They were good for business, 
too. Bob Rubin was probably the best 
(continued cn page 144) 


"I don't know if this forest is enchanted or not, but it's a great place if you're 
looking for a piece of ass!” 


113 


BY KEN GROSS 


RUNNING BACK: 


WHEELS 


hink pro athletes are competitive on the playing field? Check out their choice of cars. Bold and flamboyant don't be- 
T gin to describe the vehicles these guys stash in their garages. None stay stock for long. Sophisticated audio and se- 

curity systems are just the start. DVD TV with multiple monitors, exotic leather upholstery and navigation systems 
resembling something used by Norad are mandatory add-ons. Performance enhancers include superchargers with stainless 
steel exhausts, suspension upgrades, oversize alloy wheels, Brembo disc brakes and anti-roll bars. Cost isn't an issue. In- 
dividuality and self-expression are. Gary Payton of the Seattle Supersonics ordered an Alpine F1 sound system with a cus- 
tom speaker enclosure, twin 10-inch TV monitors, two seven-inch headrest DVD TVs, Sony Playstation 2, VCR and rearview 
camera monitor for his 2002 Cadillac Escalade. No mention of a kitchen sink. Bentley Motors builds fewer than 500 Arnages 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO IZUI 


Smith owns a 2002 Cadillac Esca- 
lade that's been upgraded by JR's 
Custom Auto in Dallas. Perched on 
tall Giovanni Capri 23-inch alloy 
wheels, Smith's 345 hp Caddy fea- 
tures a Flowmaster stainless steel 
exhaust. The car's sound comes 
from a Kenwood 911 DVD and navi- 
gation unit powered by a 1600-watt 
JL Audio system that drives multiple 
MB Quart and Kenwood speakers in 
the car's kick panels and front doors. 
Also in the Escalade are six DVD TV 
monitors. If you want the same pack- 
age for your Escalade, figure on 
spending about $30,000. It’s called 
the Emmitt Smith 22 Conversion. 


This hard-charging right wing chose 
virtually everything on the extensive 
Mercedes-Benz option list for his 
2002 S600. Along with its 362 hp, 12- 
cylinder engine, Bure’s Benz has a 
wood-grain steering wheel, a digital 
wood-trimmed dashboard, GPS nav- 
igation and Distronic, a device that 
automatically slows the S600 if Bure 
gets too close to another vehicle. 
Plus, voice recognition changes ra- 
dio stations and the navigation sys- 
tem. Bure also owns a 2000 Bentley 
Arnage, fitted with custom embroi- 
dered headrests and lamb’s-wool 
rugs, and a 1999 Ferrari 550 Mara- 
nello. He leases a Grumman G3 jet. 


Behind the wheel of a 5800-pound 
2000 Bentley Arnage sedan that can 
go from zero to 60 mph in less than 
six seconds is where you'll often find 
Rodriguez. What's under the car’s 
hood? A 400 hp engine coupled to an 
automatic transmission with a sport 
mode for kick-ass acceleration. The 
Arnage's interior is amazing. Bentley 
craftsmen mirror-matched wood 
grains so the trim looks as though it 
came from the same English walnut 
tree. The car is upholstered with 
Connolly leather and there’s parking 
distance control that warns if you're 
too close to an object. Special order 
wheels are additional accents. 


CATCHER : 


GARY PAYTON 
When he isn’t shooting hoops, the 
Seattle Supersonics guard tools 
around town in one of his many 
custom cars and trucks, including 
the Ferrari 360 Modena pictured 
here. The engine is stock, but the 
sound system isn't. It includes 
MB Quart speakers, JL Audio sub- 
woofers and crossfire competi- 
tion amps in a custom enclosure. 
Payton also owns a 2002 Cadillac 
Escalade that has custom en- 
graved headrests and 24-inch al- 
loy wheels. Inside, there are four 
captain's chairs, Mercedes-Benz 
carpeting and lots of other neat 
paraphernalia. The aftermarket 
specialist who worked on his cars 
is Dornell Griffin's 310 Motoring in 
Los Angeles. “They know what I 
like and the sound 1 want." Which 
player has the best ride on the 
Sonics? “I haven't seen what 
everybody’s driving,” says Pay- 
ton, "but | would have to put my 
wheels right at the top.” 


Top: The motor for Gary Payton’s 1999 Ferrari 360 Modena is stock, but 
when he steps on the throttle the siren song of its exhaust is as beau- 
tiful to the ear as the car is to behold. Right: Captain's chairs front 
and back, a custom suede interior and an Alpine F1 stereo sound sys- 
tem that has speakers (above) bearing Payton's nickname, “Chocolate 
Thunder"—which is also imprinted on the car's fioor mats—are all incor- 
porated into his 2002 Cadillac Escalade. 


annually. Despite its $200,000-plus sticker, the luxurious Arnage has become 
a favorite with professional athletes who appreciate its roomy interior and anti- 
intrusion door beams. Los Angeles’ 310 Motoring (which is part-owned by for- 
mer New York Knick Chris Mills) is a top choice among pro basketball players 
who want to add edge to their wheels. Dornell Griffin, another owner of 310, told 
us that “we did a Mercedes-Benz interior in ostrich hides for about $60,000 
cash. It took two birds just to do the headrests.” J.R. Reeves of JR's Custom 
Auto says, "We've done conversions for athletes in all four of Dallas’ sports 


franchises. There isn't anything that we can't or won't do." 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 158. 


"I think we all have something to be thankful for this year.” 


THE SORT OF MAN 1 NOTICE: SAY ım AT 
A CLUB AND PEOPLE ARE DANCING. THE 
MAN WHO SITS BACK AND WATCHES 10 THE 
ONE ILL NOTICE FIRST. I LIKE AN EASY- 
GOING KIND OF GUY. CASUALLY DRESSED, 
ABSOLUTELY LAID-BACK. / LIKE THE 
PANTS A LITTLE LOW, NOT FALLING OFF 
BUT CLEAN, NEAT AND LOOSE FITTING— 
WITH BOXERS SHOWING. THE MORE 
CASUAL A GUY IS, THE MORE RELAXED 
VT MAKES ME FEEL. ARMANI SUITS ARE 
TURNOFFE, AND 4 HATE JEWELRY ON 
MEN-MAYZE A WATCH, I DEFINITELY 
NOTICE A MANS SMELL. 1 LIKE A 
RESH, CLEAN SMELL. LATER 1 NO- 
TICE THE WAY HE TOUCHES ME. 
HAT FIRST TOUCH 1S IMPORTANT. 
“WHEN HE TOUCHE? MY HAND. 1 LIKE 
HIM TO BE SOFT AND GENTLE, BUT 
WHEN HE HUGS ME, / PREFER A BIT 


Marshall Faulk 


PLAYBOY'S 


200 


the nfl’s top back on ufos, gays 


between a 200-yard game and halle 


hen he dons the blue-and-gold 
J j Rams uniform with number 28 on 
it, Marshall Faulk is transformed into our 
newest superhero—Total Yardage Man, a 
bolt of lightning and a rumble of thunder. 
The МЕГ Most Valuable Player in 2000 
and its Offensive Player of the Year for the 
past three seasons, Faulk is at times а sylph, 
at other times a battering ram. Last year the 
six-time Pro Bowler became the first play- 
er in NFL history to gain more than 2000 
yards from scrimmage four straight seasons. 
In 1999, he compiled a record 2429 total 
yards. In 2000, he set another record, for 
touchdowns, with 26. 

Faulk's career numbers have grown fat 
and sassy after nine seasons (the past three 
with the Rams): 9442 yards rushing, 5447 
yards receiving and 110 touchdoums, the 
ninth most in history. Among running backs 
who have gained 9000 yards or more, Faulk's 
548 career pass receptions coming into this 
season were second only to Marcus Allen’s 
587, a figure he should exceed by early De- 
cember How unique is the 29-year-old Faulk? 
Last year he caught 83 passes—the most for 
any running back in the league. 

Now if only his coach, Mike Martz, would 
remember that Faulk can do all this. After 
the Patriots’ last-minute field goal gave them 
a 20-17 upset victory over the heavily fa- 
vored Rams, the main question for Martz 
was why he didn't call more plays for Faulk. 
It's a question Martz still hears, and proba- 
bly will forever. 

Faulk grew up in the notorious Desire 
Housing Project in New Orleans’ Ninth 
Ward. His parents divorced when he was 
four and his mother had to work hard to 
support a large family. Faulk played in 
streets teeming with crime and guns. One of 
his five older brothers went to jail for armed 
robbery; a similar fate might have been 
Marshall's had not a high school coach en- 
couraged him to continue to play football, 
which kept him in school and off the street. 
Heavily recruited as a defensive back, Faulk 
chose to go to San Diego State in 1991, 
where he set scads of records as a running 
back in three all-American years: Faulk was 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY WILLIAM COUPON 


the first freshman to lead the nation in rush- 
ing and scoring and, in his second college 
game, he rushed for an NCAA-record 386 
yards and scored seven touchdowns. 

Faulk turned pro after his junior year and 
was drafted with the second overall pick by 
the Colts in 1994. In Indianapolis he won 
offensive Rookie of the Year honors and went 
on to break most team records for total yard- 
age. Al the same time he acquired a reputa- 
tion as a me-first, team-second player, a rep- 
utation that was worsened by run-ins with 
coaches and with the front office over money. 
A change was inevitable. After the 1998 sea- 
son he was dealt to the Rams, who rewarded 
him with a seven-year, $45 million contract. 
It turned out to be the fork in Faulk’s road. 
In 1999 he helped the Rams go from worst 
to Super Bowl champs, and his bad reputa- 
tion evaporated. But the episode made him 
wary of fame and success. In fact, Faulk is 
wary of most people and most things. Writ- 
er Mark Ribowsky asked about last year's 
Showdown with the New England Patriots. 


1 


PLAYBOY: Are you still angry about the 
Super Bowl? 

FAULK: It's over with. Media people al- 
ways think players are ruined for life 
when they lose. No, it's just another 
game. It was a great opportunity for 
us, but we fucked up. It was over, and 
we moved on to this season. 


2 


PLAYBOY: Kurt Warner said that the Pa- 
triots didn't win, you guys lost. Would 
you agree? 

FAULK: We were the better team, but be- 
ing the better team on paper doesn't 
mean you're going to win anything. 
They won that game because they exe- 
cuted better and made more plays than 
we did. They made adjustments quick- 
er and did some things differently from 
the first time we played them last year. 
And they followed the oldest rule in 
football: Do everything you can to win, 


and choosing 
berry 


whether it's by the book or not. They 
held me, grabbed me, pushed, shoved 
and tackled, and the only time it was 
called was when we were down near 
their end zone and the playing area was 
smaller, so everybody saw it. I don't be- 
grudge that. That was their plan, and 
100 million fans don't give a shit if 1 got 
held. It's who's the champ that counts. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Were you pissed about not 
running enough? 

FAULK: I don't second-guess. I was OK 
with the game plan. It just didn't work. 
No, it's not that it didn't work, we just 
didn't execute. How about that? 


4 


PLAYBOY: Not very convincing. Did you 
go to Mike Martz during the game and 
say, "Run me more"? 

FAULK: It doesn't work that way. 1 don't. 
call the plays. I just try to make things 
happen when it comesto me. It's Mike's 
ball. He gets to shuffle it around to who 
he wants. And when things don't go 
right, he'll say, "If you want to fault me, 
then fault me." It takes balls for a coach 
to do that and not point blame at the 
players. I thought I was doing enough. 
What fans don't see is that when I'm 
not in the play I'm doing other things. 
In my first Super Bowl, three years ago 
against the Tennessee Titans, I ran on- 
ly 17 yards on 10 carries, but I did a lot 
of little things that nobody noticed. 
I study this game, I work at it. I'm al- 
ready prepared for most of the things 
that happen during a game. I see the 
whole field, know the tendencies of the 
linebackers and defensive backs, and if 
my number isn't called I'm going to 
make myself useful. So when defensive 
end Jevon Kearse broke into the back- 
field late in that game, I gota piece of 
him [giving Warner time to hit Isaac 
Bruce with the 73-yard touchdown pass 
that clinched the 23-16 victory]. That 


PLAYBOY 


124 


was one of the biggest plays I've ever 
made, and nobody knows it. 


5 


вглувоу: Colts running back Edgerrin 
James—who's been called a young 
Marshall Faulk—has said, “Marshall 
has the game figured out to where it's 
easy.” Is it easy? 

FAULK: It is when I work at it, when I'm 
focused, which 1 usually am. When 1 
get to the game I know what I'm look- 
ing for, so when I'm out there I'm not 
thinking at all. I'm totally relaxed. Be- 
fore the game I listen to music on head- 
phones and I'm just running to that 
groove in my head. I'm having fun. 
People talk about my eyes being bionic 
or my physical abilities, but that's not it. 
We all have talent in this league. I'm 
nothing special. I just want it more, so 
I work at it. It’s not that other guys 
can't do what I do. They re just too lazy 
to do it. Like taking game film home at 
night and being clued in, so that if a 
linebacker lines up in a certain way, 
you know he won't be physically able 
to play a deep, outside coverage. One 
time I saw [49ers safety] Lance Schul- 
ters hiding behind an official, so 1 fig- 
ured that he was going to blitz and I 
changed up on my pass route and was 
wide open for a touchdown. You even 
get to the point of giving fake reads, to 
throw a guy off, screw with his head. 
That's when it's fun. And easy. 


6 


PLAYBOY: Your offense uses a lot of. 
space-age gobbledygook, like “Max О 
performance arcs.” What the hell is that? 
FAULK: Mike once brought in a NASA 
scientist to explain how a spacecraft 
gets off the ground and into space. A 
lot of things have to happen to clear 
theg forces and reach critical mass. 
What it meant for us is that each guy 
has to do his part and not worry about 
doing anybody else’s job. Then every- 
thing comes together. It made me won- 
der: If it takes all that to get a rocket to 
the moon, how can it get off the moon 
without the same forces it has on earth? 
1 asked the guy about it and he had no 
explanation. But then, I don’t think 
we've been to the moon. Things just 
don’t add up. Look at the pictures of 
those guys walking on the moon. Astro- 
nauts wear helmets with these big-ass 
UV reflective masks. Look at the mask 
of one astronaut looking into the cam- 
era. Why can't we sce the guy who took 
the picture? Why is that flag they plant- 
ed on the moon flapping in the wind 
when there’s no wind on the moon? I 
don’t know if they staged it for propa- 
ganda like in the movie Capricorn One. 

I just don't think it happened, any of 
those moon landings. 


7 


PLAYBOY: What else is the government 
lying about? UFOs? 

FAULK: Well, I've never seen one. But 
we're talking about the government. 
Why would they tell us the truth? Have 
they lied to us before? Why believe any- 
thing they say? Why would they tell the 
truth about UFOs? There's a definite 
evil side to the government. They've 
got to have an evil side to deal with 
countries who want to harm us. We 
can't be a doormat. But that attitude 
carries over. They do pretty much what 
they want to do. They've been tapping 
people’s phones for a long time, not 
just recently. They might even be tap- 
ping mine. That's OK, I've got nothing 
to hide. 


8 


вілувоу: Were you influenced more by 
your mother or father? 

FAULK: My mother. My father was a 
good guy, but my mother worked her 
ass off for me and my brothers. When 
my parents divorced, my mother told 
my father, “If you leave, I don't want a 
thing from you. I'm going to raise these 
kids on my own.” I think she passed 
that attitude on to me, because 1 don't 
want a thing from anybody. All I want 
isto play, then to be left alone. Also, my 
high school coach, Wayne Reese, was 
very important in my life. He got me 
off the street and made me focus on the 
big picture of life earlier than most kids 
do. He had to because it was touch and 
go with me. He didn't give me a chance 
to keep making mistakes. And when I 
got into schoolwork, that was my sanc- 
tuary, along with football. I used to sit 
in the bleachers in the gym after school 
doing homework until eight o'clock, 
when they closed the doors. My house 
was right across the street, but I knew if 
I went home I'd never do the work, be- 
cause I'd be right back on the street 
again, doing the same shit, like bust- 
ing windows and taking stuff to sell. It 
wasn't pretty. Га do things like hit a 
girl in my class in the face for no rea- 
son. That got me suspended. If I 
hadn't cleaned up my act, they would 
have expelled me. 


9 


: Were you ever arrested? 

FAULK: I'm here. That's all I'll say. If Fd 
done anything really terrible, 1 would 
have gone to jail and I wouldn't be 
here. Or maybe I just got away with it. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Was Jim Mora, your last coach 
with the Colts, fair with you? 

FAULK: He got on me harshly in 1998 
when I didn't make a catch because I 


was in the wrong place and the ball 
went through my hands and was inter- 
cepted and cost us a game. He said, 
“You gotta run the right fucking route, 
Marsh!” Maybe he was out of line, may- 
be he wasn’t. Maybe he should have 
said it to me in private instead of in 
front of the whole team. But the thing 
about it was that he was right. I re- 
member sitting in the assistant coach's 
office that day and crying because I re- 
alized I was accountable, I'd let down 
my teammates. ГА probably done that 
in the past but didn't realize it. I mean, 
I don't accept that mistakes are made. 
I'm harder on myself than anybody 
else is. I get paid to run the right route 
and make the catch. But before that 
day I would have gone right back at the 
coach, because I came into this league 
as a hothead. I wanted the ball all 
the time, and if I didn't get it 1 wouldn't 
accept it. All that has changed. It's 
not about me anymore. It's all about 
the team. 


11 


PLAYBOY: You may be the NFLs most el- 
igible bachelor. You can get laid any 
day of the week, can't you? 

FAULK: Probably. But that's for when 
you're 21, 22. Now I’m pushing 30, 
when you start to think about seriously 
dating a woman. You look for intelli- 
gent conversation. Like this thing about 
moon landings. It would be nice to find 
someone who knows there is a moon. 


12 


PLAYBOY: Pamela Anderson or Jennifer 
Lopez? 

FAULK: Pamela. That video with Tommy 
Lee put her on top, so to speak. 


13 


PLAYBOY: Are you a porn watcher? 
FAULK: Well, I watched that one. I have 
no problem with porn. Porn is part of 
your freedom, if that's what you want. 
And it's not like I'm gay, man. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Who else do you find sexy? 

FAULK: Mariah Carey. A lot of guys 
don't like her because she’s skanky. But 
all women have that in them. Hers is 
just out-front. It's like, “You know I'm a 
skank, so you can't be mad at me for it.” 


15 


вглувоу: Would you rather have a 200- 
yard game or sex with Halle Berry? 
FAULK: [Long pause] Are we talking about 
a playoff game? Man, Halle Berry! You 
had the wrong choices because Halle 
Berry rules. 1 recently saw her on tele- 
vision, just back from doing the new 
(concluded on page 156) 


“The thing I like about Monday М0 Football is it always drives 
my wife out of the house.” 


125 


THE HOT ano HU 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PHILLIP DIXON 


Iu Swanson has the look that kills. It must have helped her get the part as Buffy the Vampire Slay- 

_ er in the movie that started the Buffy phenomenon. At the time, Kristy was something new— beautiful, 
= and athletic. She’s glad to have helped pave the way for the TV show. “When it came out and it 
si accessful, I was thrilled. During that era, there were no shows on the air where girls had a hero- 

up to—a Nancy Drew sort of character, like I grew up with. So I thought it was a great thing.” 


RISTY SWANSON 


the original buffy stakes | ice in our heart 


s for the vampires she stalked and staked as Buffy, she’s not entirely convinced they are limited to film 
pires? I believe in a form of that. I don’t think there are people who stick their teeth 
your ne р lieve there is good and evil.” Kristy became а star in Buffy 
ire Slayer, but she had started in showbiz much earlier. She did commercials from the age 
arents were appre е at first—I don't с ; family. 1 was having a 

lossomed with more opportunities—and ev 


experience was crucial. “I 
wasn't an overnight success. 
Even though I was a child ac- | 
tor, I was never a child star. 
There was nothing that made 
it difficplt to make the tran- 
sition to an adult career. I 
worked hard and was able to 
get a ton of experience, but 
it was easy to move on to oth- 
er things." Here's a trivia 
nugget: Kristy made her fea- 
ture movie debut as Simone 
Adamlee in Ferris Bueller’s 
Day Off. (She is the one who. 
reports to a teacher that Fer- 
ris is out sick: “My best 
friend's sister's boyfriend’s 
brother's girlfriend heard. 
from this guy who knows this 
kid who's going with the girl 
who saw Ferris pass out at 31 
Flavors last night. I guess it's 
pretty serious.") Since Buffy, 
she has starred in dozens of 
movies and played alongside | 
Joe Pesci, Charlie Sheen, Ice 
Cube, Michael Madsen, Lau- 
rence Fishburne, Joe Panto- 
liano and Billy Zane. Most 
recently Kristy teamed up 
with Adam Sandler in Big 
Daddy, and with Seann Wil- 
liam Scott—we just call him 
Stifler—in Dude, Where’s My | 
Car? Our favorite Kristy 
Swanson movie is the John 
Singleton-directed campus 
drama Higher Learning. The 
reason is simple—Kristy 
smooches Jennifer Connelly. 
"And, yes, of course, Jen- 
nifer is a good kisser, but that 
doesn’t make love scenes of 
any sort any easier,” says 
Kristy. Still, Kristy is not 
your typical Hollywood glam- 
our girl. “I don’t read Elle or 
Vogue. I love my jeans and 
T-shirts. I have family that 
I visit all the time. I have 
friends I hang out with. We 
go out to dinner. We hang out 
at each other's houses. I have 
a dog and I go hiking. I work 
and do my thing." One of her 
things is maintaining her fa- 
mously taut body. She would 
rather head for a park than 

(text concluded on page 134) 


For the pidorial, we spirit- 
ed Kristy away to a seclud- 
ed Mexican beach. “I’ve 
never been nude in a mov- 
ie or magazine before. This 
was my first experience. 
I'm not а big fan of putting 
a nude body in an environ- 
ment where it doesn't be- 
long. ! just don't look nat- 
ural sitting on a motorcycle 
naked. That's not my thing. 
Maybe that's why my body 
has always been behind 
closed doors. But | was ex- 
tremely comfortable. The 
beach, the sand, the wa- 
ter—it's a natural envi- 
ronment to be naked in." 


“There are a ci 
go down to the 
forward to it every 


PLAYBOY 


H 0 U S E (continued from page 114) 


Martinez tossed something onto the table. It landed 
with a soft thud. A hundred hundreds. Ten grand. 


do any of these things. Instead, she ran 
her hand through her hair. 

Kevin gathered his chips. “That's it 
for me,” he said, slurring his words. 

Her signal had nothing to do vith 
the deck, or with the running count 
that had won him 30 grand in less than 
an hour. A hand in the hair meant only 
one thing. Get out. Get moving. Now. 

Kevin slung the duffel over his shoul- 
der. He was about to toss the dealer a 
tip when he caught sight of the suits 
Three of them, rushing around the 
craps table. Big, burly men with nar- 
row eyes. He darted toward the door. 

A minute later he was on the Strip, 
safe among the crowd. He sat on a 
bench and put the bag on his lap. A 
few minutes later, the spotter dropped 
down next to him, lighting a cigarette. 
Her hands were shaking. “Think we 
should call it a night?" 

“Let'stry the Stardust. My face is still 
good there.” 

He put both hands on the bag, feel- 
ing the bills inside. A little over $1 mil- 
lion, all in hundreds: Kevin's bankroll. 

Most of his friends were back in Bos- 
ton at school—taking tests, drinking 
beer, arguing about the Red Sox. He 
was in Las Vegas, living large. A math 
whiz, Kevin had gone to MIT to study 
electrical engineering. But during week- 
end excursions to Vegas, he partied 
with the likes of Michael Jordan, How- 
ard Stern, Dennis Rodman and Kevin 
Cosıner. He met a former Rams cheer- 
leader and flew her in whenever he 
came to town. He had been chased off 
a riverboat in Louisiana. He narrowly 
escaped being thrown into a Bahamian 
jail. He'd been tailed by private detec- 
tives with guns holstered to their waists 
and had his photo faxed around the 
globe by agencies hired to protect their 
employers’ money. 

Along the way, Kevin amassed a small 
fortune, which he kept in neat stacks in 
a closet by his bed, Although nobody is 
sure how much money he had made, it 
was said to be between $1 million and 
$5 million—ali of it legal. 


IN THE BEGINNING 


Kevin's blackjack education had be- 
gun three years earlier. He had stayed 
in Cambridge during the summer after 
his junior year to work in a chemistry 
lab. When he wasn't shuffling test tubes 
or working out at the campus gym, he 
hung with two classmates who shared 
an apartment near campus. Jason Fish- 


er and Andre Martinez were a study in 
contrasts. Fisher was a hulk of a guy, 
while Martinez was barely five-foot- 
four and couldn't have weighed more 
than 130 pounds. Both had dropped 
out of MIT the previous year; Fisher 
because of a family emergency and Mar- 
tinez because, as rumor had it, he'd 
been expelled. When Kevin teased his 
friends about being slackers, Fisher re- 
plied: “We think of ourselves as eman- 
cipated. We're working our way up to 
slacker.” 

Although they didn't have jobs, the 
roommates always had cash. One day 
Kevin said, “If I didn't know any better, 
I'd think you two were selling drugs.” 

“White slavery,” Martinez replied. 

“Seriously,” Kevin said. “Where the 
hell do you guys go on weekends? 
You have been gone every Friday this 
summer.” 

Martinez looked over at Fisher, who 
shrugged. Martinez reached into his 
back pocket and tossed something onto 
the table. It landed with a soft thud, a 
stack of cash about two inches thick. 
Kevin picked it up and flipped through 
the bills. Hundreds. A hundred hun- 
dreds. Ten grand. 

Kevin's eyes widened. 

Martinez smiled. “Blackjack,” he said. 
"It's the only game worth playing.” 


QUICK STUDY 


Martinez and Fisher agreed to let 
Kevin accompany them that weekend 
to Atlantic City. After they had settled 
into their luxury suite at the Tropicana, 
Fisher wandered off and Kevin walked 
with Martinez to the blackjack tables. 

“Do you know basic strategy?”Mar- 
tinez asked. 

“Keep hitting until you get 17 if the 
dealer's showing a high card,” Kevin 
replied. “When the dealer is showing 
a weak card, stick with your first two 
cards. Double down on 11, hoping to 
draw a face card for 21.” 

“That's a start,” Martinez said. He 
extended his hand, offering Kevin half 
of his stack of bills. Five thousand, cash. 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” 
Kevin asked. 

After the first few hands, Kevin's 
nerves settled. The shuffle of the chips 
lulled him. Although he was a whiz 
with numbers, his entire knowledge of 
basic strategy had come from a cable 
TV special: It was a framework of plays 
developed in the Fifties by four Army 
mathematicians. They had played 10s 


of thousands of hands and published 
their results in the Journal of the Ameri- 
can Statistical Association. 

Kevin had never bothered to study 
basic strategy because he gambled only 
occasionally—and he wasn't sure how 
much of a difference it made. Was skill 
that much of a factor in a game like 
blackjack? Didn't it boil down to luck of 
the draw? 

Martinez played smoothly, barely 
looking at his cards. He kept his bets 
around $200, but every now and then 
jumped to $500 and once even laid 
down $1000, getting lucky with a pair 
of kings. He never celebrated when he 
won, never complained when he lost. 
His play seemed to follow basic strate- 
gy, except for a few odd executions 
Once, with a $200 bet, he hit on a 16 
against a dealer's two. He drew a two 
for an 18 to win the hand. Another 
time he doubled on an eight, manag- 
ing to draw an ace. Toward the end of 
the shoe, he began raising his bets, tak- 
ing advantage ofa hot streak. Kevin 
began to win himself. When the shuffle 
card came out, signaling the end of the 
shoe, the dealer raised her hands. 

“That went well," Kevin said. He and 
Martinez were up a few thousand dol- 
lars. It was time to get a drink and cel- 
ebrate. Martinez caught his eye. 

"You scc that last run?" he whispered. 

“We got lucky. A lot of high cards." 

“Actually, it was 19 face cards and 
three aces set among eight unremark- 
able lows. So now, near the top of that 
stack of unshuffled cards, there is a 
string of predominantly high cards, 
about 30 deep.” 

“I don't follow.” 

"You know that high cards favor the 
player, right?” Martinez said. 

“Sure. Because the dealer has to hit 
up to 16, with more high cards, she'll 
bust more often." 

“That's one reason. So if you knew 
that a run like that was about to come 
out of the deck, couldn't you take advan- 
tage of the situation? Raise your basic 
bets, change your strategy, win a lot of 
hands with a lot of money on the table?" 

“But she's shuffling the cards." 

Martinez smiled. "Right in front of 
us.” 

“There's no way to track them." 

“There isn't?" 

The play went quietly. Kevin and 
Martinez remained about even with the 
house. As the shoe reached the halfway 
point, Kevin relaxed, assuming that 
Martinez had been screwing with him. 

Over the next four rounds, Martinez 
won nearly $6000. After the shoe emp- 
tied, Martinez scooped up his chips and 
stepped away from the table. Kevin 
followed him. When they had passed 
out of the high-stakes area, he grabbed 

(continued on page 151) 


All in a Day's Work 


А AOL ANN 
B VNS Hoss. В 


Щ Er oT WNT Vs, 
CONE oC FOR MÍA, 
WHAT ROTTEN luck, ў 
| -! 7 


ЛУМ ДД, декев е 


PLAYBOY 


138 


SWALLOWING 
(continued from page 88) 

“Jesus Christ,” she said. "It's gone!" 

Stamping over to the wall switch, she 
threw on the lights and pawed around 
on the bedspread till she found the oth- 
er end. "Wait! OK, here it is!” She had 
the barbell pinched between her fingers 
and she set it into her open palm and 
held it under the lamp. Then she turned 
back to the bedspread. "Where's the cap? 
The little ball that screws on the end?" 

I showed her where, thumping my 
chest. 

"How did you do that?" she asked. 
"What were you trying to do?" 

I thought it was obvious what I had 
been trying to do, but apparently she 
was looking for an answer more compli- 
cated than Trying to give you an orgasm. 
What did she think I was trying to do? 
Defuse a bomb? She was spared the sar- 
castic comments, as I was still too busy 
banging my chest and gasping for air. 

“Гуе never heard of this happening, 
OK? This is, like, not normal.” I could 
see where this was going now. It was an 
interesting tack to take: Clearly it was all 
my fault. I was the old square boring guy 
who didn't know how to work a simple 
clitoris. At least not the late-model ones. 

I could have pointed out that when 
you puta piece of metal jewelry through 


your genitalia, there can't really be any- 
thing remotely resembling normal. But 1 
didn’t. It was all I could do to rasp out, 
“Water——" 

She understood, but hesitated, not im- 
mediately signing off on the plan. “Real- 
ly? You want to swallow it farther? May- 
be you ought to try puking it up." She 
got behind me on the bed and jammed 
her fist under my ribs, trying to Heimlich 
me. I was surprised how strong she was. 
The pain was sharp; much worse than be- 
fore. Now I had two separate pains and 
the ball wasn’t budging. I could’ve told 
her—if 1 could have told her—that the 
Heimlich wouldn't work. The obstruc- 
tion was deeper than that. It wasn't 
caught in my throat, but farther down. 

She went and got the water. "So you're 
planning on passing it, is that it?” 

I didn't answer, as I was busy gulping 
from a plastic Snoopy drinking cup. 

“You mind crapping into a colander 
or something? I kind of want it back.” 

‘The water didn’t help. It hurt. I felt 
like there were small mechanical parts in 
my chest that had broken off. It put me 
in mind of that doomed rattle you get 
when you try to repair a VCR yourself. 

She offered to get me some bread, This 
was so absurd, I tried ignoring it, con- 
centrating instead on trying to swallow 
and breathe. Unsolicited, she launched 
into a long story about how her grand- 


mother always gave her a slice of white 
bread when she was choking. I couldn't 
imagine a dumber proposal—even if I 
were actually choking and trying to push 
it down into my stomach, which I wasn't. 
“Lung” I rasped, pointing to one side 
of my chest. “Stuck. . . ." I then pointed 
to the center of my chest. “Na' here. ..." 

She wasn't buying it. Rolling her eyes 
and sighing, she announced fine, she 
would go make a pot of coffee. "That 
ought to help get things moving." I 
snatched a copy of Bust and a lipstick 
from the floor, knocked off the dust bun- 
nies and scribbled, over an Absolut ad on 
the back cover: I can't pass it. It's stuck in 
my lung or something! 

She told me that I was being dramatic, 
made a sour face and marched into the 
kitchen, still nude, to brew the coffee. "I 
think I have some bran cereal," she said. 
“You should eat a couple handfuls of 
that. Get things moving.” 

So I drank the coffee. 1 ate the bran 
cereal. And I lay flat on the bed, waiting 
for things to stir. But only after getting 
dressed. Because 1 knew this wouldn't 
work and we'd eventually have to go to 
the hospital. 


1 didn't know Tiff very well. We'd on- 
ly met earlier that week, while I was 
looking to rent a costume for my editor's 


Jamie Ireland is a 
freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel. 


Advertisement 


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| the inside soy on Health ea Ith 


Leaming "The Ropes. 


T month | got a letter from a 
reader in Texas, about a “litte secret” 
that has made her love life with her 
husband absolutely explosive. (Those 
Texans know their stuff, let me tell you.) 


Tine writes: 


Dear Jamie, 

Last month, my husband returned 
from a business trip in Europe, he was 
hotter and hornier than ever before, with 
more passion and sexual energy than 
het had for years. It was incredible. 
He flat wore me out! And the best 
part of all—he was having multiple 
orgasms. | know what you're thinking. 
men don't have multiples. Thats what 
I thought, too. But his newfound vigor 
and excitement stimulated me, too, 
and before we knew it, we were both 
basking in the glow of the best sex of 
our lives. 

Wed tried tantric stuff in the past, and 
the results were so-so. But this was 
something new and exciting, completely 
out of the ordinary. | asked my husband. 
what had created such a dramatic 
change in our lovemaking, and he told 
me hed finally learned "the ropes." 

On the lest night of his business trip, 
my husband spent an evening dining 
out with a Swedish nutritionist and 
his wife of 20 yeers. The couple was. 
obviously still quite enamored with 
each other, so my husband asked their 
secret. The nutritionist told him their 
sex life was more passionate than ever. 
Then he pulled a small bottle from his 
satchel and gave it to my husband. 


The bottle contained a natural 
supplernent that the nutritionist told 
my husband would teach him "the 
ropes" of good sex. 

My husband takes the supplement 
every day. The supply from the 
nutritionist is about to run out, and we 
desperately want to know how we 
can find more. Do you know anything 
about "the ropes,” and can you tell us 
how we can find it in the States? 

Sincerely, 
Tina C. 
Ft. Worth, Texas 


TE you and the rest of our readers 
are in luck, because it just so happens 
1 do know about the ropes, and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 

The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
called Mioplex Pure Extract. It's a 
supplement specially formulated to 
trigger better orgasmic experiences in 
men. The best part, from a woman's 


| perspective, is that the motion and 


y Sex 


by Jamie Ireland 


experience a man can achieve with 
Mioplex Pure Extract can help 
stimulate our own orgasms, bringing 
a whole new meaning to the term 
simultaneous climax. 

The term used by the Swedish 
nutritionist is actually fairly common 
slang for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions 
and heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because 
of the rope-like effect of release during 
climax. In other words, as some 
people have said, "it just keeps coming 
and coming.” 

As far as finding it in the States, | know 
of just one importer—Böland Naturals, 
Inc. If you are interested, you can 
contact them at 1-866-MIOPLEX or 
Mioplex.com. Mioplex is all-natural 
and safe to take. All the people I’ve 
spoken with have said taking the 
one-a-day tablet has led to the roping 
effect Tina described in her letter. 

Aren't you glad you asked? 

Jr Alan) 

/ 


Jamie Ireland 


PLAYBOY 


140 


“Come as Your Favorite Failed Dot- 
Com” party. Shooting for obscurity, I 
had settled on vetshrink.com, a little- 
known blip on the radar screen that at- 
tempted to provide online advice for an- 
imals. I was contemplating the dog suit, 
actually, which happened to be right 
next to a cat costume. ] didn't even hear 
her slip up behind me. 

*] see you're thinking about pussy, 
aren't you?" 

She was so obviously the kind of girl 
I'd begun to doubt existed when I was 
with Neva. 

Neva. God. This was a woman who re- 
fused to have any sort of sex outdoors— 
even when we were alone in a remote 
rental in Michigan for an entire week in 
early September, post-tourists, surround- 
ed by nothing but pine trees, water and 
stars. Not even out on the deck—she'd 
made it clear the beach or anywhere on 
the ground was out ofthe running. There 
were Adirondack chairs, which she said 
would be too hard, so I drove into town 
and bought a cushioned chaise at Kmart. 
No good. Still too close to the ground: 
Nonspecific bugs would crawl up the 
chaise and enter her “hoo-haw.” Believe 
me, 1 wanted to tell her, it’s not that easy to 
enter your "hoc-haw." Then | suggested— 
foolish me—maybe standing against the 
railing, looking out at the twinkling 
lights on the distant peninsula. Or, if she 
required even more bug-height from the 
ground, with her sitting on the rail and 
me standing. But no, we'd have to put 
on repellent for the two or three geri- 


atric mosquitoes still kicking beyond La- 
bor Day and wouldn't we taste the repel- 
lent from kissing each other's neck? 

She went back to reading Bridget Jones’ 
Diary; 1 went skinny-dipping. 

Neva tried. She tried to be bold and un- 
encumbered. Butshe had her issues. With 
everything, but particularly with sex. 

Particularly oral sex. Neva seemed to 
think the goal was the actual swallowing. 
The ingestion. Which is probably why 
she felt completely incapable of getting 
to that level. To someone for whom the 
idea of anything happening, ejaculation- 
wise, was freaky and upsetting, the idea 
of then proceeding to gulp it all down 
probably seemed to her like a paraplegic 
hoping to not only walk one day but to 
walk on the moon. 1 was torn: On one 
hand I could tell her it wasn't the swal- 
lowing so much as just the riding it out— 
not switching gears and leaving me hang- 
ingout to dry, twisting in the wind. Low- 
er the bar. Spit it into a potted plant. 

Except 1 did sort of care. Because spit- 
ting makes you feel crummy and toxic, 
like you've just had a rattlesnake bite 
sucked clean by your “pardner,” who, 
except for the danger of your dying of 
rattler venom, would not be doing this. I 
never spelled it out for Neva because I 
wanted more. I wanted down-the-hatch. 

And I didn’t want it to feel like barter- 
ing, like we were hammering out a labor 
negotiation. I wanted more than a mut- 
ed sex life, one in which everything had 
become sanctioned and expected, re- 
hearsed and preordained. Bottom line? 


“You have unusually low blood pressure, but the cost of this 
prescription should take care of that.” 


I wanted dirty, I wanted wild, I wanted 
fun. So the one time, very near the end 
of our relationship, when Neva point- 
ed out, pathetically, “Look. I got some,” 
and indicated, without touching it, a 
drop of jizz glistening along her jawline, 
far from the target, I did not point out 
that it was only there because she had 
panicked, once again yanked me out of 
her mouth prematurely, that she was, at 
the time of my throbbing, midair or- 
gasm, cowering against the pillow, twist- 
ed away from it as if from a botched 
chemistry experiment and muttering, 
“Sorry! Sorry!” eyes squeezed closed, 
hands up and shielding her face. Be- 
cause I wanted more. I wanted the con- 
tinued contact, true, but I also just want- 
ed her to swallow. 

So I was encouraging instead. I told 
her, “Good, honey,” like we had accom- 
plished something together, like we were 
starting to make progress. It was pathet- 
ic, On both sides. 

And now here I was, lying next to ex- 
actly the type of wild young woman I'd 
wondered about, and she was naked and 
ready and now I was mainly just won- 
dering if I was going to die. It was two 
hours after she'd removed the dress. She 
was clearly beginning to regret wasting 
something “dry clean only” on me. 

“This sucks,” she said. “I was so close 
to coming.” 

I chose to be gallant and said I was re- 
ally sorry. I think she understood me. 

“Seriously. I was. You should take that 
asa compliment. You weren't down there 
all that long.” 

I decided to lie there and not respond. 
She said she still wanted to, that if she 
were alone, she would probably finish 
hersclf off. 

“Da lemme st’ ya... ," I mumbled. 
"Kna' yseff ow. . ..” 

“You're here,” she said. "I'd have to 
do it in the bathroom or something.” 

The bathroom wasn’t an option. I'd 
made two trips already and was about to 
make my third. And it wasn’t pretty. 

I elbowed her, lying there next to me. 
*G'head...." 

But she wouldn't do it. "I'm shy," she 
said. 

It was such a ridiculous claim that I 
wasn't about to expend any more breath 
trying to respond. 

I made my fourth run to the bath- 
room somewhere around 1:15. The pain 
in my chest was growing worse and it 
was starting to scare me. I remember 
being on the toilet, thinking how this 
would be such a stupid way to dic. 

That's the last thing I remember. 


1 came to with an oxygen mask over 
my mouth. In the hospital. There was a 
guy in a white coat who looked like an 
actor, standing over me, scribbling on 
a clipboard; a curtain nearby keeping 
mc from some scenario involving a wet 


sucking sound and a female voice that 
kept repeating, "Oh baby, oh baby, oh 
baby." Only not in a good way. And Tiff 
was there, not looking real thrilled, her 
mouth pursed in a little balloon knot. 
She was seated in the corner, out of the 
way, and she gave me a halfhearted wave 
when she saw I was conscious. She was 
back in the cocktail dress. She hadn't 
thrown on the nearest sweats or jeans 
but put it all back on. Including redoing 
the makeup and Jackie wig. I guess I 
found that odd. 

The oxygen was helping. Or maybe it 
was calming to know I was finally getting 
some help. Either way, I found that if 
I pulled the mask away, I could speak 
more clearly, between gulps of air. "I 
swallowed this . . . little metal ball. I 
think it's in my lung. Is that possible?” 

“It’s not in your lung,” Tiff said, roll- 
ing her eyes. I have to say I was getting a 
little sick of that eye-rolling business. 

The doctor asked how big. “Tiny,” I 
said. “Like a BB. Smaller, probably.” 

“You swallowed a BB? Please don't tell 
me you puta BB gun in your mouth.” 

“It's nota BB.” Tiff sounded really an- 
noyed now. "It's the cap on my clit ring, 
OK? The little ball that screws onto the 
end.” 

"The doctor swiveled on his stool now, 
all ears. She unfolded a wadded napkin 
and showed him the remaining part that 
we'd found in the bedspread. “Like this 
end, OK? Only it screws off?” 

“I sec,” he said. “I think. Still——” 

“It was an accident,” I said. 

He looked at me like I was a moron. 
“Of course. But are we certain you actu- 
ally swallowed it? Perhaps the end piece 
came loose somewhere, and the pain 
you're feeling could just be anxiety." 

I held up my hand, trying to put an 
end to this. "I swallowed it.” 

He looked to Tiff for confirmation. 
She nodded. “I'm pretty sure he swal- 
lowed it. I don’t think it’s in his lung.” 

"Couldn't you feel it was loose in your 
mouth before you swallowed it?” 

‘Tiff jumped in to explain. “It fell, like, 
straight down? He's on his back and I'm 
on top and he’s, you know, eating me.” 

“OK,” the doctor said, getting the pic- 
ture, then demonstrating with his hands, 
“so his head's tipped back, his mouth's 
open, and the epiglottis is relaxed and 
probably flopped open. . . .” 

‘Tiff shrugged. “I don't know if he was 
fiddling with my epigloppis or what. He 
was just eating me. It was normal, regu- 
lar, plain old eating my pussy.” 

“| meant his epiglottis, not yours.” He 
took a moment to consider, as if finally 
picturing it, and drew a deep breath, let- 
ting it out so evenly, with such control, 
I almost felt jealous. “Yeah, OK, Then 
I think we better get some shots of this. I 
guess it very well could be in your lung.” 

Hadn't I been saying that for the past 
four hours? 


While we were waiting for me to get 
X-rayed, Tiff announced she was bored 
out of her skull. (Understandable, since 
nothing was lodged in her lung.) "I'm se- 
rious,” she said. “If we're still here in five 
minutes, I may have to kill myself.” 

I muttered a suggestion that she go 
find a rest room and “finish herself off." 
You have to understand, I was scared and 
she wasn't really helping. But rather than 
taking offense, she seemed to be consid- 
ering it. "I could do that again, I guess. 
But I already took care of it. Before." 

I realized then we were talking about 
two entirely different ways of finishing 
oneself off I asked her when she'd man- 
aged to do this. 

"After you passed out. Before the am- 
bulance arrived." 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

“What?” she said. "I called first, OK? I 
didn't start diddling myself ull after 1 
called 911. So don't get all outraged." 


"Two hours later, Tiff had still not killed 
herself. We were looking at my X rays. 

The doctor actually said, “There it 
This I felt was unnecessary. There were 
no other little round balls in my lung. 

"Great." Tiff sounded extremely bored. 
“Now can you do something to make 
him cough it up? Or do you have to cut 
him open, or" 

1 told her to shut up. I didn't mind the 
coughing-it-up idea, but not if it came 
paired with the other suggestion. 

“No,” he said. “That's a sterile area, 
the lungs. Or it's supposed to be. You 
get anything in there, we're looking at 
pneumonia. Now, normally, at your age, 
with modern medicine, that's not going. 
to kill you. When it's dust, fluid, stuff like 
that. But what you've done here, that's 
not normal. There's no amount of E 
cillin that can destroy a metal ball." 
took another long look at the X ray iud 
said, "Man——" 

I hated the way he said it. "So Fm 
dead. That's what you're saying.” 

“You're not dead,” he told me, “we 
just have to do a little procedure. A bron- 
choscopy. Not a big deal." 

He explained how it would work, how 
it wasn't, strictly speaking, surgery. They 
hada thing he called the FOB—the flex- 
ible fiber-optic bronchoscope—that he 
could insert down my throat with a tiny 
camera and alligator forceps and re- 
trieve the ball without cutting me open. 
He went on to explain about the anes- 
thesia, but I was still stuck on the idea 
that it wasn't a big deal. Maybe this is 
a guy thing, but anytime someone says 
he's going to stuff something down your 
throat, that is, by definition, a big deal. 

When I came to, the nurse told me 
they'd successfully removed the foreign 
object but wanted to keep an eye on me. 

Hours passed as I fell in and out of 
sleep, the waking moments finding me 


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alone in the room. I wondered if she 
had gone off somewhere to masturbate. 
It had been about 12 hours since the 
time when she was waiting for the ambu- 
lance—she was probably due for a re- 
fresher, Finally, the nurse came in with 
my clothes and told me they were going 
to release me as soon as they found my 
friend. I got dressed and waited in the 
wheelchair, as instructed, feeling ditched. 
After a while, the nurse announced that 
they'd called my emergency contact. I've 
had the same insurance policy for years 
and had no memory who that even was. 
When the nurse came in again, she was 
followed by Neva. Brow knitted, just the 
way I remembered her. 

Before I could get my drowsy brain 
around an alternate plan, she got behind 
the wheelchair and pushed me out to 
her car. She tsked as she negotiated the 
maze of parking lots and exit signs out to 
the main road. "I imagine this is from 
wolfing down steak. You never did chew 
your food properly. Didn't I always tell 
you—30 times for each piece?" I wasn't 
about to start reeling off the details, so I 
allowed her theory to stand undisputed: 
I'd choked on food. 

She said she was taking me home and 
I nodded off and woke to see she meant 
her home. I'd never seen Neva's place, 


new since we split up. She'd never seen 
my apartment, either. This was probably 
the first long-term relationship I'd ever 
had that didn't end with a slow weaning 
of sex, a wind-down period. With Neva, 
it just ended, cold, any booty-call action 
out of the question. 

Her bedroom looked a lot like our old 
bedroom would have looked if I hadn't 
been there to veto some of it. I tried to 
imagine walking in and seeing Schwinn 
handlebars mounted over the bed. 

She told me she would stay home the 
rest of the day. She owns a little boutique 
called Scrappy’s where she sells scrap- 
books and photo albums, though most 
of her income comes not in retail sales 
but from the consulting side. She helps 
clients design and organize their photo 
albums. For a while, she tried to get her 
friends to call her Scrappy, but that nev- 
er really took. She's not exactly “scrap- 
py." if that means, as ] think it does, 
someone who's tough and feisty and re- 
silient. Don't get me wrong—I still really 
love her in a lot of ways, but she's not 
some sort of pioneer woman fighting off 
the Sioux. 

She doled out sedatives from a little 
manila envelope as I drifted through the 
rest of the afternoon, a misty parade of 
scornful TV judges in faux courtrooms. 


“But couldn't you learn to love me? Kind of like you learned 
to give good head?" 


I vaguely recall her returning in the twi- 
light blue, with two more pills and a glass 
of milk and her rubbing my back in a 
simple circle and her fingers stroking my 
hair, momlike, 

Next morning, less drug-fuzzy, my 
tongue capable of Ps and Ts and hav- 
ing had enough time to get my story 
straight, I confirmed Neva's accusation 
of the day before: I'd choked eating 
steak. It had partly obstructed my wind- 
pipe. They had to get in there and yank 
it out. Part of me, the bravado part, felt 
the story was pretty chickenshit—the 
lousy windpipe?—but I kept my mouth 
shut and then she asked if it was a date. I 
told her it was. 

“First date?” 

I nodded. 

She winced. “Ooh. Not a great first 
date, I imagine. And this happened at 
dinner? So probably no kiss, huh?” 

Even though Neva wasn't my girl- 
friend anymore, I didn't like the idea of 
lying to her. So I didn't say anything ci- 
ther way. 

"I'm sorry, sweetie. Was she all right. 
about it?” 

"No, not really," I murmured, “She 
definitely could have been much more— 
understanding." 

"Maybe you two can start over," she 
said. "Just act like the next date is your 
first date." 

I told her I didn't think there'd be a 
next date. 


‘The third day, with the pain and slug- 
gishness waning, I found forming com- 
plex sentences more manageable. When 
Neva came in with juice and to rewrap 
ihe ribs Tiff cracked, I thanked ber for 
rescuing me and told her how embar- 
rassed | was that I'd made things worse 
by struggling during the procedure. I 
said, “I guess | was being a real baby 
about it." 

She dismissed that, saying it was non- 
sense. *Please. Who wouldn't be upset 
when they're jabbing some long poky 
thing down your throat?" She told me to 
relax, take all the time I needed. But I 
decided it was time to go home. 


OF the dozen calls on my answering 
machine, only one was from Tiff. It was 
thi Hey, it's me. Call or whatever." I 
didn't call anyone back. I took the pain- 
killers. When she called again later, I ex- 
pected some concern, some apologies, 
some explanation of her ditching me. 
But there wasn't any. All giggles and fun, 
she moved on to another topic: Was I 
up for company? I had to marvel at her 
ability to ask this without actually asking 
how I was doing. 

1 thought about how tender Neva had 
been with me, how she'd insisted that I 
take it easy. I told Tiff I thought I'd ber- 
ter pass on company. 


"I'm not talking about the kind of com- 
pany in the hospital, dum-dum—read- 
ing magazines and watching you lie 
there drugged out.” 

But I knew what kind of company she 
meant. It just no longer sounded like 
such a swell idea. 

She said, “We've got some unfinished 
business, remember?” 

I laughed rather weakly. It still hurt 
my throat. I told her, again, not tonight. 
Itold her thanks, but I really had to 
pass. I was sure she’d heard me. 

She was at my door 20 minutes later. 

е 

It's amazing how easy it is for a wom- 
an to barge in when she's kissing your 
neck and gripping a shopping bag that 
she claims contains a "special outfit." She 
just kept coming, shepherding me back 
into the living room, murmuring some 
pouty-lipped baby talk about how she'd 
been looking for me at the hospital and 
couldn't find me and then they said I 
had checked out and she just was so wor- 
ried. It made no sense, of course, but 
there was this thing she was doing to my 
neck, grazing her lips down the length of 
it, and she did have my fly unbuttoned. 
Then she stopped as if she'd heard a 
noise and said, "Oh!" like she'd just re- 
membered something and reached into 
the bag for what looked like a fax. "I 
probably ought to get this out of the way.” 

A "friend" (how she put it, though I 
smelled ex or sometime boyfriend), who 
was a law student, had drawn up. 
little" disclaimer for me to 
stated that Tiff w: y 
for the “accident.” She said she knew it 
was lame but this guy would really yell at 
her if she didn't cover her bases. I wasn't 
sure about all this. Not because I was 
contemplating suing her, but just where 
the hell had she been the past couple of 
days when I needed some comfort? 

“Hurry up and sign it,” she said, “so 
we can get that out of the way and I can 
put this on——" She flashed open the 
bag for an instant and I caught a glimpse 
of white cotton and that familiar Red 
Cross on the peak of a cap: a nurse's uni- 
form. There was a downshift in her voice 


to husky vamp, “and we can play with 
your bronchoscope. 1 think I need you to 
perform a bronchoscopy on me with your 
big... . long . . . bronchoscope. I think you 
better explore my throat, Doctor.” The way 
she dragged it out, lingering over each 
word, made me squirm. I admit it. But 
not completely in a good way. A little 
more wince than squirm. It was dumb 
and embarrassingly cliché and transpar- 
ently manipulative: Sign this and I'll 
dress up like a nurse and blow you. I 
mean, how obvious can you get? 

Still, I signed. She went to the bath- 
room with her shopping bag and came 
out looking like a cartoon nurse straight 
out of a vintage pin-up calendar: clip- 
board, Red Gross cap, big thick shoes, 
her hemline far from AMA-approved. 
“I suppose you'll need to hear what 
my symptoms are first, won't you, Doc- 
tor?” I just sat there on the couch 
and watched. Not enough participation, 
I guess: She stood over me, eyebrows 
raised, and handed me the clipboard. 
“Come on. Ask me what my symptoms 
are.” So I asked. She said, “My nipples 
are very hard and my pussy's very wet." 

І really thought I'd be enjoying this, 
but the little speech was starting to feel 
like a telemarketing pitch, someone try- 
ing to convince me Га won a free trip to 
the Florida Keys. 
is,” she insisted. "Check." She bent 
t slightly, arching her back, 
the hem rising enough to prove that she 
wasn't wearing panties. As instructed, I 
slid my hand up her thigh and found she 
was right. It made me grin. Despite the 
clowning around, it wasn't all an act: 1 
did something to her. It was corny, but I 
could get into this, play my part. 

I said, "Thank you for bringing this to 
my attention, Nurse. I'll get right on it.” 
She giggled. I moved up to her clit and 
yanked my hand away: metal. 

"I can't believe tl I said. "You just 
go right out and get another one? You 
don't even care that- ^ 

“I didn't go out and” 

"You're not even sensitive to the fact 


She frowned. "It's not another one. 
It's the old one.” She leaned closer, into 


the pool of lamplight, lifted the white 
hem. I tipped the lampshade, caught the. 
glint. She spread her hood 2nd I peered 
closer. It was the old one. The original. I 
was very familiar with the original, be- 
lieve me, and this was it. 

“It's dean and all," she said. “Totally. 
Ir's fine." I just stared at it, not believ- 
ing this was happening. Then she add- 
ed, "Danny gave it to me." 

It was a personal history I hadn't 
heard the other night, but I didn’t really 
care. Danny, Kyle—the emotional value 
of the thing didn't enter into it. Not for 
me, at least. "Oh, so because it's some 
keepsake from an old boyfriend, I'm sup- 
posed to” 

"Some old boyfriend? What are you 
talking about? Your doctor Danny?" 

She told me how, while I was still out. 
cold, the doctor took her down to the 
cafeteria for lunch and they talked about 
local bands and nightclubs, and then he 
slipped it to her in a paper napkin. He 
told her they should go ballroom danc- 
ing sometime. 

“Tm not going to do this,” I told her. 
“There are certain things I'm just not 
doing, and this is one of them.” I hand- 
ed her the clipboard. 

“This is so lame,” she said. “You try to 
make it special for a guy. . ..” 

1 tried to remember when I'd ever 
encountered any clitoris that made me 
think, Nope! Not special enough? It needs 
something. Her bag was over by the bath- 
room door. I got up off the couch to get 
itand hand it to her. She took the waiver 
out and gave it the once-over, as if mak- 
ing certain I'd signed. 

"Why do you have to be such a baby?" 
She had disdain in her voice again. I was 
an old fogy, stodgy, an amateur. She 
rolled her eyes once more, but I didn't re- 
ally care. I'm sure, to some, my life could 
be seen as boring and tame, but, hey, at 
least I'm breathing. 

Besides, the phone was ringing, the 
answering machine was about to pick 
up, and I knew before hearing her small 
voice that it was Neva, just checking up 
on me. 


PLAYBOY 


LOU DOBBS 


(continued from page 112) 
"Ireasury secretary this country has had 
in a century or more. We'll see how Bush 
and Cheney play out. The Bush cabinet 
is outstanding. 
PLAYBOY: What would be different if Gore 
had won the election? 
DOBBS: I believe that Bush has shown him- 
self to be a hell ofa leader in the most 
difficult of times. I can't say whether Al 
Gore would have risen to that occasion, 
though I'm satisfied with the way things 
turned out. 
PLAYBOY: In spite of your support for 
Bush, your network is attacked by con- 
servatives for its liberal slant while liber- 
als attack Fox for being conservative. Are 
the attacks warranted? 
DOBBS: There is a basis for those views. 
There was areason CNN was referred to 
as Clinton News Network during that 
administration; I had misgivings about 
some of the programming that made its 
way on the air during Clinton's presi- 
dency. On the other side, despite the pro- 
testations of Fox chairman Roger Ailes, 
there is no question that Fox is appealing 
to a conservative audience. Our hour on 
CNN doesn't easily fit into either camp. 
We work mightily to maintain balance. 
PLAYBOY: That's Fox News’ slogan. 


DOBBS: For us, it's not just a slogan. We 
dare to be dull because some of what is 


| truth and facts. 
rend is terrible. 
It is not sufficient to achieve balance by 
putting on a Republican screaming that 
Clinton is an idiot and a Democrat 
screaming that Bush is a fool. It may 
make for good TV and it may make for 
bigger audiences, but at the end of the 
day the audience is not well served. If 
that achieves higher ratings, they are 
raüngs I don't want. 

PLAYBOY: Is there pressure to go in that 
direction? 

DOBBS: There's always pressure to get 
higher ratings. 

PLAYBOY: Is it particularly dangerous to 
"dare to be dull" with Fox News beating 
CNN in ratings? Fox’ Neil Cavuto isn't 
far behind you. 

DOBBS: There's a difference between sen- 
sationalism and drama. I don't mind mak- 
ing interesting and exciting television 

We do things here to draw an audience 
and make decisions to appeal to an audi- 
ence. But our standards win out. Even if 
Fox is beating CNN in many areas, we're 
the top business-news show. I've been 
doing this a long time, and a sufficiently 
large number of people trust me to re- 


port the news that matters to them. 
PLAYBOY: What's the long-lasting econom- 
ic impact of September 11? 

DOBBS: September 11 obviously had a 
horrible effect on hotels, tourism, the 
travel industry and, of course, the New 
York economy, but I don't think that it is 
significant of either the depth of the re- 
cession or its duration. 

ргАүвоу: How did it affect your job? 
pores: Prior to that day, the most de- 
manding times were the stock market 
crash of 1987 and the Gulf war—but 
nothing compares with September 11, 
which changed everything. It was a war 
story, an economic story, a story about 
the market and a human story both with 
its tragedies and heroics. 

PLAYBOY: Did you anticipate the market 
crash that followed the attack? 

DOBBS: Of course, but the more dramatic 
surprise was the reaction on Wall Street: 
the great insistence on the part of Wall 
Street and the financial district to re- 
open the market. It was a mark of honor 
to get it open. It could have dropped 
1000 points and anyonc would havc 
called the day it opened a success. If it 
hadn't been hurt by the corporate scan- 
dals, the market could well have re- 
bounded. Now I think things will grow 
slowly. The days of buying a stock based 
on Wall Street hype or propaganda 


CHAPTER HEADINGS 


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forecasts are behind us. Investors have 
to be careful. There are real values in the 
market now, but we have to adjust our 
expectations—single-digit returns are 
going to be the order of the day for some 
time. We have to expect that. We have to 
take long views in our investing, which is 
appropriate and healthy. 

PLAYBOY: But not back to the levels of 
1999 and 2000. Was it more fun having 
your job throughout the late Nineties 
when the stock market was racing? 
DOBBS: I always have fun with what I do 
lor a living, though it's more fun to see 
smiles on people's faces knowing they're. 
secure in their jobs and their financial 
outlook. On the other hand, the real 
heavy lifting starts when things aren't go- 
ing well. 

PLAYBOY: Was it possible not to get caught 
up in some of the giddiness of the Inter- 
net boom? 

DOBBS: I never did. I may have gotten 
caught up in the absurdity of it. We re- 
ported the absurdity of i 
PLAYBOY: You were not only a reporter 
on the dot-com boom but, as founder of 
Space.com and president of CNNEN. 
com, a participant. 

DOBBS: I was as committed to the new 
economy and the Internet as anyone. I 
truly believed then and I believe now 
that the Internet is the future. 

PLAYBOY: We've heard that before. 
DOBBS: The development of the Internet 
is not unlike previous developments, 
whether it was the railroads or the tele- 
phone. It’s going to take longer than 
anyone thought. Its impact has been im- 
measurable, but it will be more signifi- 
cant in the future. There will be further 
consolidation and far more care on the 
part of investors—as there should be. 
The Internet’s promise does not, howev- 
er, mean you can avoid the fundamental 
rules of business. The main lessons from 
the period are for investors. The under- 
writers and private-cquity businesspeo- 
ple making millions of dollars by taking 
companies public in the late Nineties 
bear the greatest responsibility for the 
public who lost money. But there is a sol- 
id industry to come out of this. 

PLAYBOY: Will there be more consolida- 
tion? Who will survive? 

DOBBS: Obviously AOL and Yahoo as the 
principal Internet services. In terms of 
the technology infrastructure of the web, 
we're watching that occur now. Consoli- 
dation is rampant and it's far from over. 
PLAYBOY: E-commerce was supposed to 
change the way we shop, but most peo- 
ple still buy the old way. Will that change? 
Doses: Every year people become more 
comfortable buying online. E-commerce 
will be а truly significant part of our re- 
al economy over the course of the next 
decade. The product has to improve 
a lot. There will be more e-commerce 
when a high-speed Internet connection 
is ubiquitous. It has far more to do with 
the quality of the experience, and speed 


is essential, 

PLAYBOY: Those Internet analysts who 
championed the dot-coms, including 
Morgan Stanley's Mary Meeker and Mer- 
rill Lynch's Henry Blodgett, have been 
blamed for cheering on the insanity. Do 
you hold them accountable? 

DOBBS: In many cases they screwed the 
investor, yes. But there still is the simple 
role of individual responsibility. I always 
tell our audience never to invest if they 
don't know all about the company they 
are investing in. If you don't understand 
the business and the product and man- 
agement and its market, you have no 
business investing in the stock. I don't 
care how many analystsare telling you to 
buy or sell. 1 don't care how many broth- 
ers-in-law or uncles or nephews are tell- 
ing you it's a great buy. It's foolish for the 
individual investor to act without under- 
standing an investment. 

Boy: Recently brokerages have been 
chastised—and financially penalized— 
for misleading custome 
DOBBS: Yes, and the conflict of interest on 
the part of Wall Street analysts and th 
investment banking arms is disgraceful. 
The firms have gone a long way toward 
fixing the problem, but I still say to you 
and any investor today: Don’t buy on 
an analyst's recommendation without 
knowing what you're doing with your 
money. Do your own research. 

PLAYBOY: Do you admit that you helped 
make stars of many analysts? 

DOBBS: It's far easier to reach out to an 
expert than develop expertise yourself. 
Yes, we in the media are responsible for 
some of that. We show the record of ev- 
ery analyst we put on our show. We let 
our viewers know as much as possible. 
Also, we don't have analysts on who have 
an interest in the stock. Period. That's 
one of the first questions we ask. 
PLAYBOY: But you editorialize on Money- 
line. You're not simply reporting the new 
poss; You're right. I give far more opin- 
ions on the air today than I did 20 years 
ago. People ask me for my opinion about 
stocks, however, and I decline. 

PLAYBOY: How about some picks for us? 
pores: I always decline, though when it 
comes to the larger issues—regulations 
Enron, WorldCom— give opinions. Is it 
appropriate? So long as my opinion is of- 
fered as an opinion and interpretation of 
the news. I certainly don't think anyone 
my business should offer an opi 
just to hear himself speak or to try to in- 
fluence a viewer. I never do that. 
PLAYBOY: Yet some of the biggest names 
in television news do. Our recent Playboy 
Interview subject Bill O'Reilly has become 
the most-watched newsman on cable pre- 
cisely because of his opinions. 

DOBBS: He and I are about as different as 
any two people you could run into. What 
Bill does is terrific, but it's not what I 
do. | wouldn't be comfortable offering 
some of the views he does. He probably 
wouldn't be comfortable offering some 


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PLAYBOY 


146 


of the views I do. 

PLAYBOY: Though to gain audience, isn't 
there a temptation to sensationalize? 
DOBBS: Sure, and we sometimes will give 
too much attention to Prince Harry and 
his pot experimentation and not enough 
to the state of the infrastructure and how 
many investment dollars are required to 
bring America into the 21st century in 
terms of its sewage, transportation and 
mass-transit systems. Prince Harry will 
always get higher ratings. The fortunate 
thing for me is that I anchor a show and 
1 also make the ultimate decision about 
what does or does not appear on the air. 
We won't touch Harry and his pot. 
PLAYBOY: Have things changed at CNN 
since Ted Turner left? You once said that. 
"Turner protected the news department 
from corporate influences. Were you wor- 
ried that would change when he left? Did 
you worry that Time Warner would at- 
tempt to influence the coverage of news? 
DOBBS: In all the time I worked for Ted— 
over 20 years—he never once tried to in- 
fluence our coverage. There aren't many 
people who work for a magazine or a 
newspaper or even another television 
network who can say that. I'm proud of 
‘Ted for that, and he left a strong legacy 
of autonomy—at least in terms of my 


role at this network—and it's been hon- 
ored. I couldn't work under any other 
circumstances. But I don't think AOL 
Time Warner would attempt to influ- 
ence the news. Our credibility is at stake. 
PLAYBOY: Yet would you be reluctant to 
go after AOL, for example, if the compa- 
ny were doing something wrong? 
DOBBS: Reluctance? None whatsoever. 
Covering your own firm is difficult, but 
you have to do it with the same stan- 
dards you apply to anyone. 

PLAYBOY: When did you meet Turner? 
DOBBS: It was in Atlanta to talk about 
whether or not I would join CNN in late 
January or early February 1980. He was 
asking me about boating. 

PLAYBOY: When Turner decided to make 
the Time Warner deal, he appeared on 
your show to discuss it. It was the famous 
episode during which Turner cried. 
роввз: Here was a man who had just 
made a deal that put more than a few bil- 
lion dollars in his pocket and assured the 
future of his company, but he was in 
tears. You expect that on Oprah, but not 
on our show. That's a side of him that is 
not well known. 

PLAYBOY: Was he crying because he re- 
gretted selling CNN? 

роввѕ: In his heart, if not his mind, he 


му 
S 
== 


“The locals seem to think he was some sort of vampire." 


knew he had let go of something pre- 
cious. But he was securing the future of 
the company. It was bittersweet. 
PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the AOL 
‘Time Warner deal? 

popes: Mightily surprised. 

PLAYBOY: Do you worry about the impli- 
cation of this deal and mergers and ac- 
quisitions of media companies? 

DOBBS: I’ve been worried about the size 
of media companies for years. General 
Electric owns NBC, Viacom owns CBS, 
AOL Time Warner owns CNN, Disney 
owns ABC. These are gigantic corpora- 
tions. It may be that my concern about 
scale and size is misplaced. 1 acknowl- 
edge that. It may be that in a perverse 
way we have more autonomy because 
we're such a small part of something 
huge—more so than if we were total- 
ly independent. The question remains 
whether there will be a place for alterna- 
tive voices and alternative perspectives 
to be heard. 

PLAYBOY: You recently were in the center 
of controversy when you announced you 
were going to replace the phrase "war 
on terrorism" with "war on radical Islam- 
ists." Why is the distinction important? 
DOBBS: In the course of reporting on this 
conflict we found that 28 U.S. military 
operations around the world are target- 
ed against groups or organizations that 
are radical Islamists—groups that have 
taken a system of personal religious be- 
liefs, created an ideology and now em- 
ploy terror as their action of choice to 
achieve their ends. I am not talking 
about Muslims or the Islamic religion; I 
am talking about a relatively small group 
of Islamists around the world who use 
violence to try to overthrow govern- 
ments and to create Islamist states that 
would be authoritarian in nature. 1 be- 
lieve we should name our enemy. In this 
global conflict, the world's only super- 
power should not have to whisper the 
name of that enemy. 

PLAYBOY: Were you surprised by the re- 
action—both at CNN and throughout 
the nation? 

DOBBS: My audience expects me to talk 
straight. Their support of the language 
"radical Islamists" was overwhelming. 
My audience is smart and sophisticated, 
and I would have been surprised—hell, 
I would have been shocked—if they did 
not support the truth and a straightfor- 
ward description of our enemy. Their 
support and that of my management in 
the firestorm that was created by sim- 
ply confronting political correctness has 
been gratifying. It's an important issue 
at an incredibly important time in hu- 
man history. In the middle of that war, 
and with the enormous questions about 
the future of our economy and now with 
Enron, WorldCom and the other scan- 
dals, there’s so much at stake. What a 
time to be a business journalist. 


AL QAEDA ыл») 


Al Qaeda anticipated that passengers might attack. So 
the hijackers were ordered to build body strength. 


and Chechnya. Before he left for Paki- 
stan, where he now lives, this man found- 
ed another charity, Nasr Trust, also in 
Chicago. Although BIF’s funds were fro- 
zen, its office in Chicago continues to 
function. BIF raised $3.6 million in 2001. 
PLAYBOY; That's pretty amazing. 
GUNARATNA: The Global Relief Founda- 
tion is another Islamist organization that 
had its funds frozen. The GRF had an 
employee, also a 
U.S. citizen of Syri- 
an descent, who was 
responsible for pro- 
cessing documents 
for Arab volunteers 
fighting the Soviets 
in Afghanistan. 
PLAYBOY: You've said. 
Abdullah Azzam 
had 30 offices here 
to support the mu- 
jahidin in their war 
against the Soviets. 
Do these offices still 
exist? 

GUNARATNA: They do 
not exist as Al Qae- 
da offices or as Af- 
ghan relief offices. 
But there are cer- 
tain mosques and 
Islamic institutions 
in this country that 
still pledge alle- 
giance to Osama's 
ideology. They ad- 
vance those themes 
and objectives in a 
clandestine or de- 
ceptive way. They 
are clandestine even 
as far as the larger 
Muslim population 
is concerned. 
PLAYBOY: As you "ve 
sai , the executive director of the BIF 


EX Y кей, 
LEE 
BOTTES DES. 


nizations without. КЕЧЕ, they may be 
linked to Al Qaeda. I doubt that most 
people who support the BIF know its 
political mission. They just don't know. 

PLAYBOY: You've reported that 20 per- 
cent of Muslim charities haye been cor- 
rupted. How has this been accomplished? 
GUNARAINA: When Al Qaeda identifies a 
nongovernmental organization, an Is- 
lamic registered charity, for instance, 
they send one or two of their people to 
join. Gradually, those people become 
prominent members of the organization. 


PLAYBOY SPECIAL EDITIONS ` 


DISCOVERED! 


Eventually, they control the funds. They 
largely work through deception in the 
U.S., but in the Philippines, for exam- 
ple, they use intimidation. If one m: 
says, "We have to be more accountable, 
they intimidate him. They will coerce 
him until he's scared for his life, for his 
children. Most of the Al Oaeda-infiltrat 

ed charities—most of the front and sym- 
pathetic organizations of terrorist groups 


800-423-9494 


а ога сот 


in the U.S.—are still operating. They 
work as human rights organizations, hu- 
manitarian or cultural organizations, so- 
cial or educational groups. 

PLAYBOY: Who contributes to these chat 
ties? In 2001, Illinois state tax filings for 
the BIF cite an $80,000 donation from 
someone who is listed as unknown and 
$225,000 from a person identified only 
as Muhammad. Shouldn't that arouse 
suspicion? 

GUNARATNA: Well, that doesn't conform 
to proper administrative and financial 
regulations, at least in spirit. The U.S. 
government has belatedly taken action 
against BIF. But there are several orga- 
nizations like it. We know of several oth- 
er terrorist groups operating here. 


y America's 


o HOTTEST 


women answer 


PLAYBOY: You've said donors in Saudi Ara- 
bia and Kuwait also don't know where 
their charitable money is used. 
GUNARATNA: That's because they don't 
havea proper system. American and oth- 
er Western institutions have procedures 
for accountability. Charities account for 
cvery cent. They maintain books here, 
but not in those countries. 

riAYBOY: Why have Americans become 
so vulnerable to attack? 

GUNARATNA: Americans were lulled into a 
false sense of security. Their isolationist 
mentality focused on guarding borders, 
not on strategic threats. Sheikh Kabbani 
of the Islamic Supreme Council of Amer- 
ica said in January 1999 that “extremist 
Islamists took over 
80 percent of ıhe 
mosques in the 
U.S." He said that 
the ideology of ex- 
tremism has been 
spread to 80 per- 
cent of the Muslim 
population, mostly 
the youth. Because 
of the radicalization 
of some American 
Muslims by Islamist 
preachers, and be- 
cause of the pene- 
tration of Muslim 
diasporas by foreign 
terrorists, the FBI 
infiltrated several 
American Muslim 


our call and get 
for you! 


PLAYBOY 

PO. Box 809 

Source Code 09402 
Певсе, IL 80143-0809 


the prevailing view 
in law enforcement 
was that if American 


sup- 
icipate 
in terrorism else- 
where didn't harm 
American interests, 
nobody would act 
against them. AI 
Qaeda knew U.S. 
intelligence was 
monitoring Muslim 
communities here, 
so they moved the 
September 11 operational team away 
from Islamic strongholds in New Jersey 
and Illinois. They built a new network 
that had no connection with any of the 
U.S. networks that Bin Laden believed 
had been compromised by the FBI. 
PLAYBOY: Should the U.S. government 
have had an inkling about what was go- 
ing on? 

GUNARATNA: Certainly. Mohammad Ja- 
mal Khalifa, for example—Bin Laden's 
brother-in-law—visited the States. When 
immigration detained him in San 
Francisco in December 1994, they found 
documents in his luggage that detailed 
the “outline of the institution of jihad.” 
These papers had titles like “The Wis 
dom of Assassination and Kidnapping, 


aa 


147 


PLAYBOY 


“The Wisdom of Assassinating Priests 
and Christians,” “The Wisdom of Bomb- 
ing Christian Churches and Places of 
Worship.” Khalifa was held without bail 
before he was subsequently extradited 
to Jordan for allegedly financing the 
1994 bombing of a cinema there. He was 
later tried and acquitted on that charge. 
As Al Qaeda's reported chief for South- 
east Asia in the Nineties, Khalifa report- 
cdly helped finance a plan to destroy 11 
U.S. airliners over the Pacific, to crash an 
explosives-laden aircraft into the Penta- 
gon and to assassinate President Clinton 
and the Pope in Manila. But until Khali- 
fa was acquitted in Jordan, U.S. intelli- 
gence had no knowledge of his role in 
the plan. After the attacks on the World 
‘Trade Center and the Pentagon, intelli- 
gence authorities arrested Khalifa in Sau- 
di Arabia and later released him. 
PLAYBOY: How has Al Qaeda altered their 
approach since the mid-Nineties? 
GUNARATNA: The quality of the Septem- 
ber 11 operations was markedly differ- 
ent from earlier U.S. attacks. Without 
exception, the hijackers were hand- 
ked for their willingness to kill and 
Bic for Allah. When you compare Sep- 
tember 11 with the unsuccessful attempt 
to bomb Los Angeles International Air- 
port in December 1999, Al Qaeda has 
improved in almost every aspect. Realiz- 
ing the threat of terrorist infiltration 
from Canada, with its relaxed immigra- 
tion policy, the Americans tightened se- 
curity along the border and instigated 
measures to protect key public buildings 
from car bombs. So Al Qaeda got their 
ives into the U.S. by commercial 
airline, carrying correct identity papers 
and with sound alibis for their presence. 
Al Qaeda had originally planned the at- 
tack for September 9, but because of un- 
known operational constraints, the at- 
tack was postponed. 

PLAYBOY: Were any future Al Qaeda mem- 
bers trained at the John E Kennedy Spe- 
cial Warfare Center and School in Fort 
Bragg, North Carolina? 

GUNARATNA: Ali Mohamed was. He was a 
captain in the Egyptian military who 
came to the U.S. for advanced training. 
He received training at the John E. Ken- 
nedy Center. He came back again and 
joined the U.S. Army and attained the 
rank of sergeant in the Special Forces. 
He was a member of Al Qaeda. As I point- 
ed out, he trained Bin Laden's body- 
guards. He trained the teams that oper- 
ated in Somalia, Bosnia and Afghanistan. 
PLAYBOY: Did the hijackers follow their 
instructions? 
RATNA: To the letter. Being advised 
to keep physically fit and mentally alert, 
they joined gyms. Mohamed Atta and 
Marwan al-Shehhi went to a health club 
in Decatur, Georgia. Ziad Jarrah did like- 
wise in Florida, where he took martial 
arts lessons, including kickboxing and 
knife fighting. Al Qaeda anticipated that 


148 passengers might attack. So the hijack- 


ers were ordered to build body strength. 
Until a month before the operation, the 
hijackers had planned to threaten or, if 
necessary, use knives to gain control of 
the aircraft. An Al Qaeda group had 
used a knife to seize an Indian Airlines 
plane in 1999. Al Qaeda realized that the 
scheme could be compromised if team 
members were caught trying to smuggle 
knives aboard. So they carried box cut- 
ters that were less than four inches long, 
which were permitted by the Federal Avi- 
ation Administration. Other than pep- 
per sprays, the box cutters were the only 
weapons carried by the hijackers. 
тлувоу: How else did they prepare? 
GUNARATNA: All the cells independently 
acquired flight deck simulation videos. 
Atta bought videos and other items from 
Sporty’s, a pilot store in suburban Cin- 
cinnati. Nawaf al-Hazmi also obtained 
flight deck videos from the same store. 
Rehearsing was another central precept 
of Al Qaeda doctrine. Atta and al-Shehhi 
took a flight-check ride around Decatur 
'ebruary 2001, and Jarrah did like- 
at a flight school in Fort Lauder- 
dale. They repeatedly took the same 
flight to familiarize themselves with air- 
port security and cockpit access. 

лувоу: Did all the hijackers come from 
abroad specifically for the attack? 
GUNARATNA: No. Al Qaeda recruited and 
trained Hani Hanjour, a Saudi national 
who had come to the U.S. in 1996 to 
study English. In 2001, Hanjour attend- 
ed pilot-training courses in Arizona and 
Maryland. 

PLAYBOY: How did Zacarias Moussaoui's 
arrest affect the operation? 

GUNARATNA: It forced them to move up 
the schedule. Although Al Qaeda strives 
to train agents who disclose nothing to 
captors, they were avare of the danger 
to the operation. Moussaoui was one of 
the few suspected terrorists who knew 
about both the Hamburg and the Kuala 
Lumpur cells. But the FBI failed to ex- 
amine his computer before September 
11. With the imminent threat of being. 
compromised, Al Qaeda's cells stepped 
up final preparations within a week of 
Moussaoui's arrest. On August 29, Fayez 
Ahmed used his Visa card in Florida to 
get the cash that had been deposited in 
his Standard Chartered Bank account in 
the United Arab Emirates the day be- 
fore. That same day, Jarrah purchased 
global positioning equipment and sche- 
matics for cockpit instruments. From Au- 
gust 25 to August 29, the hijackers got 
their airline tickets with credit cards or 
online—except Khalid Almihdhar and 
Majed Moged of American Airlines Hight 
77. Their Visa card didn't match their 
mailing address, so they had to drive 
to Baltimore-Washington International 
Airport and pay cash for two one-way 
tickets. 

PLAYBOY: Good to see the security worked. 
these men know they were going 
to die? 


GUNARATNA: Well, Atta sent a Fed Ex 
package from Florida to Dubai in carly 
September. It's likely that it contained 
his farewell message to the head of his Al 
Qaeda family. 

PLAYBOY: It sounds like they covered all 
the bases. 

GUNARATNA: Al Qaeda also prepared a 
backup team to attack the World Trade 
Center, and had two other teams of 
trained pilots and hijackers poised to 
strike targets in India, Britain and Aus- 
tralia as well. 

PLAYBOY: In helping the anti-Soviet 
had, did the CIA help Islamic radicals 
here? As you point out, Abdullah Azzam 
came to lecture in America. Did U 
intelligence sponsor radical lectures in 
American mosques? 

GUNARATNA: The Afghan Service Bureau 
didn't receive any money from the CIA. 
Its office got money from the Gulf coun- 
tries and from Muslim immigrants. 
PLAYBOY: What about through Pakistani 
intelligence, the ISI? 

GUNARATNA: The ISI did give assistance. 
The CIA gave weapons to the ISI, and 
the CIA gave millions of dollars to Paki- 
stani intelligence. The ISI did the tr: 
ing. I know this because Гуе spoken to 
the ISI. I spent a lot of time with them. 
People say the CIA supported Al Qaeda. 
But the CIA never did. The CIA gave as- 
sistance to ISI. And the ISI gave money 
to all these groups. 

PLAYBOY: Has Osama bin Laden's family 
really disowned him? 

GUNARATNA: Absolutely—except for one 
member, his brother-in-law Khalifa. No 
one else in the family supports him. 
PLAYBOY: You said it's unlikely Al Qaeda 
could mount a biological or nuclear at- 
tack but that it could mount a chemical 
or a radiological attack. Is that still true? 
GUNARATN. Al Qaeda has tried to ac- 
quire chemical, biological, radiological 
and nuclear weapons. But as a terrorist. 
group, it's difficult to get nuclear and bi- 
ological material. So it’s likely they will 
acquire and use chemical or radiological 
weapons. 

PLAYBOY: How much did the Afghan war 
hurt Al Qaeda? How much did the bomb- 
ings and the U.S. military intervention 
affect it? 

GUNARATNA: They completely destroyed 
Al Qaeda’s infrastructure. Training in- 
frastructure is critical for the continua- 
tion of any terrorist conflict, because you 
have to constantly train members, both 
ideologically and physically. We know 
the bombs destroyed the infrastructure. 
When the quality of the Al Qaeda fight- 
er becomes poor, he is vulnerable to de- 
tection. His operational security will be 
poor, so the efficiency oF operations goes 
down. Also, the bombings have already 
demoralized Al Qaeda supporters, sym- 
pathizers and many of its members. 
PLAYBOY: Are there currently any native- 
born Al Qaeda members? 

GUNARATNA: Yes. We know there are from 


several interrogation reports and ar- 
rests. Even before September 11 we 
knew from the East Africa bombings that 
there are Americans in Al Qacda. We 
know some of them even trained Bos- 
nian Muslims. 

PLAYBOY: If that's the case, wouldn't it be 
possible for Americans to infiltrate? If it's 
conceivable that John Walker Lindh can 
become a Taliban member, can't the FBI 
recruit infiltrators? 

GUNARATNA: Yes. But the FBI and the 
CIA lack creativity. They don't want to 
take a risk. When you are working with 
clandestine agents, sometimes you have 
to terminate them. They don't want to 
dirty their hands. I was a foreign-policy 
fellow at the Center for International 
and Sccurity Studics at the University of 
Maryland. My faculty adviser was Stans- 
field Turner. I love the man. I respect 
him because he's an honest man. But the 
only disagreement I ever had with him 
was why he got rid of various clandestine 
programs when he was director of oper- 
ations in the CJA. He later realized what 
he did was a mistake. America lost its 
eyes and cars. 

PLAYBOY: Has the FBI or any other intel- 
ligence agency infiltrated Al Qaeda? 
GUNARATNA: They're trying their best 
now, and they will. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that you think the 
French have infiltrated Al Qaeda. 
GUNARATNA: They have. They have infil- 
trated Al Qaeda for a long time. The 
French are good. Of all the Western in- 
telligence agencies, they're the best on Al 
Qaeda. Among Arab countries, Jordan 
and Egypt have the best intelligence. 
PLAYBOY: In Inside Al Qaeda you write 
about the lifespans of terrorist groups. 
How long will Al Qaeda survive? 
GUNARATNA: It depends on how the U.S. 
and the international community re- 
spond. If you rigorously pursue a group, 
you can destroy it. I'd say in five years we 
will be able to destroy Al Qacda. Five 
years is average. The CIA infiltrated Hez- 
bollah in five years, although that was 
peripheral infiltration. But now, with so 
much energy going into counterterror- 
ism, I believe that in the next one or two 
years there will be good infiltration of 
these groups. That will enable us to de- 
stroy them. 

PLAYBOY: How long should it take the 
FBI and CIA to catch up in terms of hu- 
man intelligence? How long will it take 
the FBI to get Arabic-speaking agents? 
GUNARATNa: Since September 11 they 
have started to recruit immigrants as 
well as Americans skilled in languages. 
They hadn't done that before in suffi- 
cient volume. 

PLAY! How reliable is Abu Zubaydah, 
who's now in custody? 

GUNARATNA: He'll never tell the truth. I 
know him. I listened to his communica- 
tions before he was captured. He will nev- 
er compromise his organization. Even if 
he's cut into small pieces, he won't. But, 


also, it's in the interest of federal agents 
to say Abu Zubaydah is cooperating. If 
you say one of the key guys in Al Qaeda 
is cooperating, it demoralizes others. It 
drives fear into others: Oh, our leader is 
exposing us. 

PLAYBOY: Why has there been so little ef- 
fective counterpropaganda? 

GUNARATNA: Americans are clean people. 
They think black propaganda is some- 
thing bad. It's a big mistake. The Ameri- 
can people themselves killed the Penta- 
gon's Office of Strategic Influence. They. 
should never have done that. That oflice 
would have been central to fighting Al 
Qaeda. Americans must understand that 
when you deal with a secret organiza- 
tion, a terrorist group that has no princi- 
ples, you have to undertake black opera- 
tions—especially when you face a high 
threat. 

PLAYBOY: How long would it take for an 
OSI-type office to be effective? Could it 
be done quickly? 

GUNARATNA: The people who know the 
threat want to do it. But there is some re- 
sistance. In five ycars you will produce 
world-class intelligence operatives, be- 
cause young people have scen the suffer- 
ing of Americans. 

PLAYBOY: Considering the presence of 
Saudis in Al Qaeda, especially in the Sep- 
tember 11 operation, is there any con- 
nection between terrorist supporters and 
0.5. financial interests? Quite a few major 
American corporations have longstand- 
ing relationships with Saudi Arabians. 

: Well, the Saudi system tacit- 
m in a big way. Natural- 
ly, the organizations that work with the 
Saudi system indirectly, without their 
knowledge, contribute to this. Think 
about it: American troops kill three to 


five Al Qaeda members a week in Af- 
ghanistan, but the Saudi system produc- 
es maybe two dozen Al Qaeda members 
every week. 

PLAYBOY: The Sudanese government sup- 
posedly offered to turn Osama bin La- 
den over to the U.S. 

GUNARATNA: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: And the feds said no? 
GUNARATNA: They said no because they 
didn't have sufficient evidence to prose- 
cute him. It's very unfortunate. And, of 
course, a year before, the Sudanese 
offered Carlos the Jackal to the French 
government. And Carlos the Jackal is 
now in France in custody. Bin Laden was 
afraid to stay in Sudan after that. He was 
worried the same thing would happen 
to him. 

PLAYBOY: You say that American troops 
should leave the Arabian peninsula. But 
aren't the troops there to protect the Sau- 
di royal family as much as they are to de- 
fend American interests? Would the re- 
gime be at risk from theocratic forces if 
the soldiers left? 

GUNARATNA: The regime will definitely be 
threatened, but not now. Maybe in five 
years, if the Saudis don't do a proper job 
cleaning up. More than catching the ter- 
rorists in Saudi Arabia, you must re- 
structure a system that produces terror- 
ists, that produces youths vulnerable to 
propaganda and indoctrination. Saudis 
are becoming sympathizers, supporters, 
collaborators and members of terrorist 
groups. 

PLAYBOY: Has Al Qaeda been successful 
in bridging the Shia-Sunni divide? 
GUNARATNA: Yes. To target a common en- 
emy, Al Qaeda has gone beyond the ide- 
ological divide, which is unprecedented. 
In fact, the world’s two most dangerous 


“Oh, of course, the turkey! Yet another reason to be thankful!” 


149 


PLAYBOY 


150 


groups are Hezbollah and Al Qaeda, a 
Shia group and a Sunni group that now 
work together. 

PLAYBOY: Is there any potential for dis- 
unity—ideological, factional or politi- 
cal—among Al Qaeda? 

GUNARSTNA: As long as Osama bin Laden 
is alive, there will be unity. When he's re- 
moved, there will be so much infighting. 
Bin Laden is a good diplomat. He can 
bring people together and give them a 
dream to follow, a vision and a mission. 
PLAYBOY: There are a lot of disenfran- 
chised youths in the Islamic world. How 
much does demographics—a surfeit of 
people under the age of 20—help Al 
Qaeda? 

GUNARATNA: The young are most vulner- 
able to radicalization. Even if they're 
educated, they can't find employment. 
Or they will be underemployed. These 
are the people who join Al Qaeda. They 


want to attack, attack, attack. We see that 
mentality: Kill the Americans; Death to 
America. 'Those kinds of slogans come 
mostly from young people. In the case 
of Al Qaeda, the demography will not 
change in the Middle East. 

PLAYBOY: Do you see a possibility for a re- 
form movement in the Muslim world? 
GUNARATNA: The fight against Al Qaeda 
and other Islamist terrorist organiza- 
tions and Islamic radicalism should, es- 
sentially, be waged by moderate Mus- 
lims, because moderate Muslims are the 
most threatened. They are in danger of 
having their values taken away. But they 
don't have the willpower or the ability to 
do it. That's why the West must work 
with moderate regimes and people. 
PLAYBOY: Is there a reform movement 
that would be able to counter the radical 
Islamist tendency, a counterreforma- 
tion away from the Wahhabi, away from 


“Damn it, Frank—quit that or we're changing places!” 


fundamentalism? 

GUNARATNA: The Saudi royal family is un- 
der pressure to change that system now, 
because they know their system spawns 
and sustains terrorism. But will they be 
able to do it? That's the biggest question. 
Can the West persuade them? We have 
not seen signs of their doing it. 

PLAYBOY: Can the madrassas be changed? 
GUNARATNA: Egypt is reforming its ma- 
drassas in a big way. And Algeria has re- 
formed. Algeria says every madrassa and 
mosque must be registered. Pakistan has 
also started to do this. 

PLAYBOY: Tell us about the encryption 
systems. Al Qaeda's e-mails were secure. 
How did they know the National Securi- 
ty Agency couldn't break their encryp- 
Чоп software? 

GUNARATNA: I don't know how Al Qaeda 
knew. But less than five percent of their 
communications are decipherable, be- 
cause they're using the commercially 
available Pretty Good Privacy. Al Qaeda 
had a special school in Afghanistan to 
train people to use computers, to use 
encryption. Terrorists have produced 
many computer viruses, especially in Af- 
ghanistan and Pakistan, and they contin- 
ually target European and North Amer- 
ican countries. They are waging a war 
against the information infrastructure. 
Al Qaeda does this with simple means, 
buying programs off the shelf. 

PLAYBOY: What's your personal impres- 
sion of Al Qaeda members who you've 
interviewed? Are they wild-eyed fanat- 
ics? Are they zealots? 

GUNARATNA: Actually, there is an A team 
and a B team. Members of the A team 
are the highly trained, highly motivated 
cool guys. They are icemen. The B-team 
guys are hotheads. Al Qaeda doesn't 
care for them. They are expendable as- 
sets. The Al Qaeda manual for explo- 
sives says you must never give explosives 
training to a hothead, because he will 
blow himself up and blow up other Al 
Qaeda members and supporters. Always 
pick the right man for the right job. One 
category is expendable, the other is not. 
PLAYBOY: But you wouldn't want to mess 
with either of them. 

GUNARATNA: The ones you have to watch 
out for are the Takfirs, who came out of 
Egypt in the late Sixties. Takfir believers 
can deviate from Muslim practices to 
blend in with infidels. They will drink 
scotch with you, go to topless bars. 
PLAYBOY: How safe are we now? 
GUNARATNA: The U.S. remains a vulnera- 
ble society. The threat of terrorism is still 
high. The only sure way to protect Amer- 
ica—short of destroying Al Qaeda's en- 
tire infrastructure abroad, an objective 
likely to remain unattainable—is for the 
FBI and other agencies to step up re- 
cruitment of agents from migrant Mus- 
lim communities. That's how they can 
penetrate Al Qaeda's core leadership. 


HOUSE 


(continued from page 136) 
Martinez by the shoulders. 
“How the fuck did you do that?” 


BLACKJACK 404 


The answer is known as counting 
cards—keeping track of the high and 
low cards in a shoe to give a player an 
advantage. After they had returned to 
Boston, Kevin read up on blackjack the- 
ory at the MIT library and confirmed 
much of what Fisher and Martinez had 
been telling him. The game was beat- 
able. But as Kevin understood it, count- 
ing had two major flaws. First, a player's 
percentage over the house was too low. 
Even the most complex systems aimed at 
an edge of, at most, tvo percent; to make 
any money, you needed an enormous 
stake, and moving that kind of money 
around would draw attention. Because 
counting cards doesn't affect the out- 
come—i.e., it's not technically cheat- 
ing—a casino couldn't have you arrest- 
ed. But it could banish you. In the end, 
card counting was a neat parlor trick, 
but it didn’t seem like a way to make 
money. At least not the kind of money 
his friends threw around. 

Three weeks into the fall term of his 
senior year, Kevin was taking a late-night 
swim when Fisher and Martinez showed 
up at the pool. "There's someone we'd 
like you to meet,” Fisher said. 

They walked together to a classroom 
located halfway down the Infinite Corri- 
dor, the long hallway of rooms that runs 
through the center of campi 

“Kevin, this is Micky Rosa,” Martinez 
said. “He used to teach here, back in 
prehistoric times.” 

“I still teach here,” Micky said as he 
shook Kevin’s hand. “But now I teach 
for profit.” 

Micky introduced each of the seven 
people who filled desks at the front of the 
room. Kevin recognized three of them. 
There Kianna, a beautiful Asian who 
jored in electrical engineering 
s the only woman in the group; 
Michael, a blond tennis jock; and Brian, 
a senior who, like Kevin, had grown up 
near Boston. The others were strangers; 
three appeared to be Chinese. They all 
had the MIT aura about them: studious, 
awkward and slightly superior. 

“This is the MIT Blackjack Team,” 
Micky said. “It's been around for two 
decades, We want you to come aboard.” 


WHAT'S THE COUNT? 


As a member of the blackjack team, 
Kevin would earn a cut of the total win- 
nings. He also could invest his own mon- 
ey, once he had earned some. Everyone 
gambled except Micky, who organized 
weekend excursions to Vegas and raised 
cash from investors who had come to ex- 
pect returns of 30 percent or more. 

Before he could travel, Kevin had to 


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prove he could count cards well enough 
not to be detected. Over the next few 
weeks, Micky and the others guided in- 
tense practice sessions while sequestered 
in empty classrooms with the shades 
pulled. This not only ensured privacy 
but also simulated the poor lighting of 
smoke-filled casinos. 

“Have you heard of the high-low meth- 
od?” Micky asked during the first session. 

Kevin had read about it. In his 1962 
book, Beat the Dealer, former visiting MIT 
professor Edward Thorp outlined a 
counting method that allowed players to 
keep track of the number of high cards 
left in a shoe. Instead of counting indi- 
vidual cards, players kept track of a sin- 
gle number, known as the running count. 
This number was added to every time a 
low card came out of the deck, and sub- 


tracted from every time a high card hit 
the table. The higher the running count, 
the more high cards were left in the 
shoe—indicating that the player should 
raise his bets. When the running count 
went negative, the player lowered his 
bets. Depending on the initial stake and 
the number of hands played, a player 
could gain a significant advantage. 

Kevin had been correct to recognize 
the flaw in the system—to take advan- 
tage of the highs and lows, a player has 
to drastically raise and lower his bets. 
That makes it easy for a casino to spot 
counters. But the MIT players overcame 
that by working as a team. 

Martinez explained the system. “You'll 
start out as a spotter,” he said. “A spot- 
tcr's job is to find a table with a hot deck. 
He plays the minimum bet as he counts. 


“Well, I intended to complain about the noise you were making, 
but on second thought. . . .” 


Nobody suspects him because he's like 
everybody else—losing a bit, maybe get- 
ting lucky but never varying his bet. 

“When the count gets good, the spot- 
ter signals a call-in. The call-in is either a 
gorilla or a big player. A gorilla stumbles 
over like a drunk rich kid and starts 
throwing down big bets. He doesn't 
count the cards, he just bets and waits 
for the spotter to signal him that the run 
is over. He's a gorilla, brain-dead. Then 
when the signal comes, he wanders off in 
search of his next call-in.” 

“And a big player?” 

“A big player does it all,” Martinez 
said. “It’s acting and counting and bet- 
ting. It's tracking the shuflle and cutting 
to aces. You carry the big money, and 
you get yourself known by the casino 
personnel who will give you a luxury 
suite, champagne and other goodies to 
keep you coming back. You get called in 
by the spotter, but you take over the play. 
You do things the gorilla can't, like rais- 
ing the bet as the deck gets hotter, but 
you have to do it with style so the casino 
doesn't nail you." 

"The spotter signaled the gorilla or big 
player with physical movements such as 
crossing his arms or putting his hands in 
his pocket, then passed the count with 
code words that could be used in a sen- 
tence without raising suspicions. For ex- 
ample, glove indicated a count of five 
(for five fingers), cat was nine (nine 
lives), football meant 11 (think goalposts) 
and sweet was 16. 

To Kevin, the elaborate signals seemed 
overly dramatic, especially the fingers- 
through-the-hair move that indicated 
danger. What could possibly go wrong? 

"You need to understand something," 
Martinez said. "From the moment you 
walk into a casino, they're watching you. 
‘There are cameras everywhere. There's 
also a face book put together by this de- 
tective agency hired by the casinos, Grif- 
fin Detective Agency. Certain card coun- 
ters have found their way into the book.” 

“Is your photo there?” 

“Not yet. But Micky's on the first page. 
If they see us with Micky, they might try 
to back-room us.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?” 

“Nothing, really. They try to get you 
to come to a back room, usually in the 
basement. It's an intimidation thing. If 
you go down there, they take your pic- 
ture, make you sign something. At that 
point, if you return, you're trespassing. 
Once they have your photo, you're done.” 


INTO THE PIT 


Keyin made his debut as a spotter at 
the MGM Grand. On the second night, 
Micky assigned him to play the gorilla. 
As Kevin staggered through the crowd, 
he located his spotters. Kianna bad a 
seat at the table closest to the elevators. 
Michael and Brian played near the back 
of the pit. Martinez sat at a central table 
next to two black men in silk suits. Kevin 


was about to start a second pass when he 
saw Martinez fold his arms. 

Clutching his drink, Kevin pushed 
through the crowd and wedged himself 
into first base. He jammed his hand into 
his pocket, pulled out $10,000 in cash 
and plopped it down on the felt. As the 
dealer counted out the chips, Kevin of- 
fered a wide smile. "How's everyone do- 
ing tonight?" 

Martinez grunted. "Getting crushed 
like a carton of eggs." 

Plus 12. The three other players nod- 
ded amiably, and Kevin was struck by 
how huge they were. A lifelong sports 
fan, he had no trouble recognizing them: 
Allan Houston, John Starks and Patrick 
Ewing ofthe New York Knicks. Houston 
had $300 down. Starks was betting $250. 
Ewing had $500 in front of him. 

Kevin pushed forward two $500 chips. 

Houston shook his head, impressed 
*Hey, Big Money. That's how it's done." 
He took a handful of cigars out of his 
pocket and offered them to the table. 
Ewing and Starks each took one. Mar- 
tinez declined. Kevin shrugged. Hell, 
why not? He could be back in Boston 
pounding beers at a frat party. Instead, 
here he was smoking cigars with the 
New York Knicks. 

"The cards started to come out, but 
Kevin barely noticed them. He kept one 
eye on Martinez, waiting for signals to 
guide his play. 

Over the next hour, Kevin led the 
table in an impressive slaughter. As the 
gorilla, he racked up $10,000 in profit, 
earning applause from the crowd by 
splitting 10s twice and doubling down 
onan eight. By the time he rose from the 
table, the players had invited him to par- 
ty in the celebrity suite at the Mirage. 
Kevin's head spun. This was better than 
he had imagined. 


BIG PLAY 


Kevin quickly proved to be a skilled 
counter, so on a return trip to the MGM 
Grand a few weeks later Micky assigned 
him the role of big player. Kevin was 
about to take a break when he was called 
into a plus-14 deck by Michael. Kevin 
was up $8000 on the weekend; he slid in- 
to the table cocky. The count rose. After 
three rounds, he had moved up to two 
hands of $10,000 each. A crowd gath- 
ered. He drew an 11 and a pair of nines 
against the dealer's five. It was the most 
beautiful two hands he had ever seen. 
He doubled the 11, raising that hand's 
bet to $20,000. He drew a seven, mak- 
ing a hard 18. Then he split the nines— 
$10,000 more on the table—and drew 
a two on one, an eight on the other. 
He doubled the first hand, drawing an 
eight. He left the last hand alone. 

Now he had $50,000 on the table and 
three good hands: an 18, a 19 and a 17 
against the dealer’s five. The odds were 
enormously in his favor. He leaned back 
and smiled. He was about to score the 


biggest win of his life. 

His stomach dropped as the dealer 
turned over his bottom card to reveal a 
six. The dealer flipped the next card, a 
10, for a 21. Kevin's ears rang. The deal- 
er swept the $50,000 off the table. 

“Oh my God,” somebody said. Kevin 
clenched his teeth. He could hear Mi- 
chael breathing heavily. He thought 
about getting up, but the count was still 
in double digits. And now the deal was 
further into the deck. 

He moved three stacks of chips—worth 
$10,000 each—into the playing circles. 

The dealer dealt Kevin an 11, a 14 
and a pair of sevens, then pulled the 
worst card in the deck, a six. 

Kevin took a deep breath. He doubled 
down the first hand, adding $10,000 
more. He drew a nine for a solid 20. He 
left the 14 and split the sevens. He got a 
10 on each, two 17s. Now he again had 
$50,000 on the table, betting on a 20, an 
ugly 14 and two 17s. 

“The dealer flipped his bottom card, 
revealing a queen. He now had a 16, the 
worst possible hand. Kevin was smiling 
as the dealer drew his next card. 

"The crowd groaned. 

A five. The dealer flipped a goddamn 
five. On a plus-14 deck, Kevin had lost 
$100,000 in two hands. 

Kevin got up and pushed through the 
crowd. By the time he reached the ele- 
vators, his face had gone numb. Back in 
his VIP suite, he lay down on the shag 
carpet, arms outstretched. Overall, the 
team was way ahead for the month. But 
it was a painful lesson. No matter the 
count, the cards could go bad. Even math 
left room for luck. 


ON A ROLL. 


Play continued through the winter 
and spring. In June, Kevin graduated 
from MIT and found a well-paying job 
in Boston as a software engineer. But 
that was largely for appearance. He 
hadn't told his parents about his gam- 
bling; he knew they wouldn't take it well. 
As far as they knew, he had to travel 
every few weekends for work. In reality, 
he and the rest of the team would spir- 
it off to Vegas. They would land in the 
evening, play all night, crash in their 
free luxury suites, cat their free gourmet 
meals, lounge by the pool, watch a prize 
fight, party with celebs, hit the tables for 
another shift into Sunday, then fly home 
on Sundzy night, their wads of cash 
strapped to the bodies of team members 
assigned to play the mules. 

It was great while it lasted. 

‘The first sign of trouble came at New 
York-New York. Like the city, the casino 
is a nightmare of pedestrian gridlock. It 
was hard enough to gamble there on 
am play was almost impo: 
ble. Still, Fisher wanted to give it a shot. 
He felt that Kevin had played the MGM 
Grand, the Stardust and the Mirage 
so heavily in the past year there was a 


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chance that security personnel watching 
through the overhead cameras (the Eye 
in the Sky) would put things together. 
Kevin thought Fisher was being overly 
cautious but went along. 

Partially because ıhe crowds and the 
layout limited his movement, Kevin lost 
$7000 in the first hour of play. Inside, he 
cursed Fisher for making him play this 
amusement park. He caught sight of one 
ofthe new spotters, Jill, who had crossed 
her arms. He ambled over. "I sure hope 
my sister remembers to feed my cat,” she 
said. Plus nine. Kevin bet $700 and fol- 
lowed the cards up to $2000 a hand. In 
10 minutes he won $17.000. Maybe New 
York wasn't so bad after all. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jill 
run her hand deep through her red hair. 
Shit. Too late. A barrel-chested man in a 
dark suit stepped from behind the deal- 
er and leaned over Kevin's shoulder. 

"Sir, a word, please?" 

Kevin could tell from his tone that the 
man wasn't about to offer a free room. 
Kevin reminded himself to stay calm. He 
scooped up his chips. "Actually, I was on 
my way out. That goddamn roller coast- 
er is driving me nuts." 


Ihe man blocked his path. His name 
tag said "Alfred, Shift Manager." 

“Sir, you are no longer permitted to 
play blackjack at our casino." 

Kevin could feel the other players star- 
ing at him, a few of them wide-eyed. On- 
ly Jill continued to study her cards. 

“That's fine,” Kevin said, his stomach 
tight. “If you don't want my action, ГЇЇ 
leave.” 

“Before you go, there are a few ques- 
tions we would like to ask. If you'd come 
downstairs. ..." 

Kevin started for the door. He was try- 
ing hard not to panic. As he pushed 
through the crowd. Alfred stayed one 
step behind him. 

"Sir. Sir. Sir!” 

Kevin kept moving. Alfred followed all 
the way to the exit, stopping only when 
Kevin stepped through the glass doors 
to the sidewalk. 


BETRAYED 


When Kevin arrived at Micky's apart- 
ment, Fisher and Martinez were already 
there. They didn't look good. After the 
incident at New York-New York, Kevin 
had been chased out of Bally's, and Fish- 


"Going down?" 


“Oh no, I just dropped an earring.” 


er and Martinez had taken to wearing 
disguises after similar brushups. The 
team had figured that eventually a few 
casinos might dissect their security tapes 
and get wise, but suddenly all of them 
scemed to be, and even excursions to 
outposts such as Shreveport, Louisiana 
and the Bahamas had been disasters. To- 
day Martinez was wearing a hooded gray 
sweatshirt, and his face was so pale it al- 
most blended into the material. Fisher 
looked more angry than tired. 

“Somebody has sold us out,” he an- 
nounced as Kevin walked in. 

Micky rested heavily on the couch. “I 
got this directly from a source at the de- 
tective agency. Someone from MIT sold 
a list to the agency. Names, yearbook 
photos, Vegas gambling schedules, esti- 
mated profits—everything." 

Kevin sat down. “Jesus Christ.” 

“They sold us out for 25 grand,” Mar- 
tinez said. 

“Who” Kevin said. 

"We don't know who—just that it was 
someone from MIT," Micky replied. "It 
could be someone on the team or some- 
one who knows about us." 

Micky tossed a sheaf of papers into 
Kevin's lap. It was 20 pages thick. On the 
top of the second page, Kevin found 
his photo and viral statistics. Kevin Lew- 
is. Born Weston, MA, 1972. Graduated 
MIT 1994. Then his home and work ad- 
dresses, phone numbers and a list of his 
many aliases. 

"They have everything," Kevin whis- 
pered. "They know where we live." 


WALKING AWAY 


"The team could continue to hit casinos 
outside the Strip that hadn't hired Grif- 
fin, but they would have to work much 
harder for much less money, and even- 
tually their reputations would catch up 
with them. Like Micky, they had been 
forced into early retirement. Kevin's se- 
cret life slowly gave way to his real one. 
But he didn't leave the team for good 
until another member had $75,000 in 
cash stolen from a home safe during a 
break-in. Though by now he had moved 
his cash to a bank, Kevin rushed back to 
his own apartment. The door was locked. 
and everything undisturbed—except for 
his kitchen table, where an intruder had 
placed a $500 chip. Kevin got the mes- 
sage: We know where you live, and we're 
watching. 


Kevin still gambles alone and occasionally 
counts cards at smaller casinos that haven't 
installed continuous-shuffling machines. 
Most of his savings have gone into a down- 
town bar he opened with friends. Martinez 
and Fisher continue to attack the tables from a 
base on the West Coast. Because the Griffin 
betrayal turned the MIT veterans into di- 
nosaurs, the roommates recruited a new crop 
of fresh-faced whiz kids—16 in all. Last year 
the team won more than $500,000. The Eye 
in the Sky is watching. 


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PLAYBOY 


Marshall Faulk 


(continued from page 124) 
James Bond movie. That is sweet stuff. 
She would make me enjoy missing a 200- 
yard game. 1 think she's done with ath- 
letes after David Justice, but if she isn't, 
my door is open. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Speaking of not being gay, Mike 
Piazza had to call a press conference to 
deny that he's gay. Are there guys in the 
league you're suspicious about? 
FAULK: Uh-huh. Га have nothing against 
anybody if they were gay, but really, I 
don't want to know. 1 don't want to know 
what so-and-so did with his wife last 
night, so why would I want to know if 
he's smoking the pole? Just keep it quiet. 
What's coming out going to prove? Is it 
going to make you catch the ball better 
or throw it any better? The only thing it 
would do is bring a team down, because 
the media would have a feeding frenzy. 
Someone would need attention really 
bad to do that. I mean, I could see com- 
ing out to make a statement if the league 
had a rule that gays couldn't play or 
something like that. But that's not the 
case. So just shut up. 


17 


PLAYBOY: When you're not wearing your 
football pads, you look more like a sports- 
writer than a player. 

FAULK: That's low. But it's true. I'm not 
the typical football player. You'd think a 
guy who runs as much as me and takes 
the punishment I do would be a mon- 
ster. I can't explain it. I work out in the 
gym, but only as much as I have to. I 
save everything I have for the game. 


18 


PLAYBOY: Nobody would accuse you of us- 
ing steroids, but do other football players? 
FAULK: You can't do it in football. This 
isn't baseball. They'll catch you. It can 
be anytime. They'll call you at home or 
when you're on vacation and say, "We 
have a place 20 minutes from where you 
are. How soon can you be here to piss in 
a cup?" It's good they do that, but they 
also banned ephedrine after [Minnesota 
Viking lineman] Korey Stringer died in 
training camp last summer, like that was 
really the cause. That didn't kill Korey. 
Some coaches push guys and they don’t 
know when to stop. I'm not going to take 
a shot at Mike Tice, but he was Stringer’s 
line coach and when Tice played back 
in the old days, linemen were maybe 
260 pounds. Now guys go 320, 330, and 
they're not equipped to be out there in 
the heat without rest or water. In a game 
we might have the ball two or three min- 
utes, on a good drive four minutes. You 
have to have some of that, you have to 
get out in the heat and mix it up. But 
there's a fine line between mixing it up. 
and killing a guy. So it wasn't ephed- 
rine—that was a cover. I use ephedrine 
and don't have a problem with it. 


19 


PLAYBOY: You use it? It's banned. 
FAULK: Well, I used it, 1 should say, and 
never had a problem with it. 


20 


PLAYBOY: What do you use now? 

FAULK: My mind. The mind is the great- 
est stimulant of all. Especially if I'm 
thinking about Halle Berry. 


"Perhaps the game ran into overtime?" 


PARTY SCHOOLS 


(continued from page 91) 
(11) GEORGIA 


ve seen 250 people crammed into a 
ridiculously small frat house. I've seen so 
many drunken loiterers downtown that 
there aren't enough police officers to han- 
dle it. l've watched as a drunken brawl 
between two girls turned into a hand- 
shake, then a kiss, then an orgy that the 
whole party got into. I know this town 
like the back of my hand, and Гуе still 
gotten so drunk that I woke up ina place 
I've never been. The bars are small, 
the clubs are packed, the energy is end- 
less."—Greg 

"With bars galore and one of the best 
music scenes around, Athens is a mecca 
for those who love to indulge." —Will 

What’s their poison? Smirnoff Ice, Mil- 
ler Lite. 


(12) OHIO STATE 
“There's something in the air at Ohio 
State that makes the spring quarter wild. 
"The women turn into these sex-crazed 
animals. If you graduate in four years, 
you've missed out on partying for an ex- 
tra year."—Sam 
"One party had 69 kegs and one had 
100. Both of them were shut down rath- 
er quickly. It was amusing to see the po- 
lice getting U-Hauls to carry all of the 
kegs."—Nathan 
"The parties never stop. Girls drop 
their panties on every possible occasion. 
Anyone can get laid. Anyone. I had sex 
during a planetarium demonstration in 
an astronomy class." —Daniel 
“Ohio girls are easy."—Eric 
Hangouts: Four Kegs Bar and Grill. 
Best excuse to wake up early: kegs and 


eggs. 


(13) IOWA STATE, 


"Iowa State tailgates include keg grills, 
one-gallon partner beer bongs and a mi- 
ni goalpost and turf to kick empty beer 
cans through."—Lindsay 

Where to get freaky on campus: The 
tiers in the library. Wildest football ri- 
valry: Lowa State versus Iowa. Tailgating 
team that doesn't fuck around: Team 
Beer. Where to cut a rug: Sips. Who 
to find when you're drunk and hungry: 
Gyro Man. 


(14) FLORIDA STATE 


“We know how to party. Every night 
there is a spot in town that has amazing 
girls drunk and looking for a good time. 
The biggest thing to do is to get all your 
friends together and renta stretch Navi- 
gator for the night. You get VIP treat- 
ment in all the clubs. And best of all, how 
many girls wouldn't want to party in a 
limo?"—Mike 

"Seeing girls get on the bars and strip 
is all too common."—Alberto 

Where to hang out: Bullwinkle's 
Saloon. 


(15) COLORADO STATE 


“My fraternity is alcohol free, though 
we're still known for our crazy parties. 
Our motto is, We may be dry but the 
girls are wet.”—Matt 

“We will absolutely blow away any par- 
ty that CU will ever throw. And the girls? 
Ihave never seen so many Barbies in my 
life."—Troy 

Where to watch girls shake 
cos. Neighborhood hang: Suite 


de- 


(16) FLORIDA 


“We run the city. The highlight of our 
year, of course, is football season. We’ve 
been ranked in the top 10 for the past 
decade."—Will 

“The swamp is home to some of the 
most beautiful and playful girls in the 
South."—Robert 

Where to cruise for chicl 
ty Avenue. 


Universi- 


(17) TULANE 


“Tulane is a bunch of academics who 
do their homework in the afternoon and 
get blasted at night. Kids from univer- 
sities two hours away drive in to spend 
their weekends in our bars." —Eri 

“It's an all-year Mardi Gras." —Evan 

"Every year 2000 18-year-old fresh- 
men leave home for the first time and go 
to a city that's known for partying. It's a 
nonstop party."—Adam 

Where to get buzzed: Columns Hotel, 
Fand M Patio Bar 


(18) WASHINGTON STATE 


“We live in a small college town in the 
middle of the wheat fields. That leaves 
little to do except get hammered and 
screw. Once there was a horrible snow- 
storm and it still took me half an hour to 
get into the bars because they were so 
damn packed."— Scott 

“There's nothing else to do in Pull- 
man, Washington. We've mastered the 
art of partying." — Sara 

School nickname: Wazzu. Where to 
watch girls dance in cages: Shakers. 


(19) EAST CAROLINA 


"We have the sexiest women with the 
best Southern hospitality."—Stephanie 

"We do it all, from tailgating at football 
games to drinking in the jungle during 
baseball games. We were already ranked 
for having the prettiest girls on campus, 
and those girls know how to party. Trust 
me!"—Kelley 

Where to see girls dance on the bar: 
Coyote Ugly Night at Pantana Bob's. Row- 
diest holiday: Halloween. Wildest frat: 
"Tau Kappa Epsilon. Where to pick up 
chicks: The Paddock. 


(20) MICHIGAN STATE. 


"Any given Thursday through Sunday 
you willfind naked drunken people run- 
ning down fraternity row, partygoers 
hanging out of apartment windows and 
thousands of students groping one an- 


other in various states of intoxication 
and undress. We're unrivaled in lasci- 
viousness and unparalleled in lust for 
drunken misbehavior."—Joe 

“The Greeks do a good job rounding 
up the quality tail." —Matt 

The wildest hangout: Grand River 
Avenue. 


(21) MISSISSIPPI 


“No school has produced as many 
Miss Americas as Ole Miss."—Matt 

“We're often overlooked as one of the 
top party schools because we're too busy 
partying to take the Princeton Review's 
survey.”—Heath 

Off-the-hook street bash: The Double 
Decker Fest. 


(22) CALIFORNIA-SANTA BARBARA 


“Where else can one go to school with 
sunshine all year round and blonde 
bombshells walking around wearing mini- 
skirts and bikini tops? That's just class 
on Tuesday morning. It isn't called the 
University of Casual Sex and Beer for 
nothing.” —Chris 

“People come from all over to party. It 
goes off. Kegs at every house, bands at 
every other house. Typical southern Cal- 
ifornia hotties? We have them. Surfer 
beauties? Our specialty."—Brett 


(23) LEHIGH 

"Lehigh parties every night. There 
are never breaks. After the normal par- 
ty ends, another begins and lasts until 
morning."—Mi 

“We are a little school, but we know 
how to do it right. People think that a 
school of our academic caliber would be 
full of dorks who sit in their rooms all 
day doing equations. It's the complete 
opposite." —Deborrah 


(24) VANDERBILT 


“Vandy is for people who are smart 
enough to slack off all the time and par- 
е there's no tomorrow."—Matt 
‘Our academic reputation in obvious 
ways hinders our party scene, in that we 
actually study sometimes. But in some 
ways, we party harder because of our in- 
sane workload. Partying is how we stay 
sane.”—Nate 

Three nights of sex, drugs and rock 
and roll: Rites of Spring. Where to 
shake your ass: Liquid Lounge. Yes, it’s 
true: Only one bar on campus. 


(25) JAMES MADISON 


“Any night of the week you can find a 
party with multiple kegs, beer pong and 
girls dancing on tables. We party harder 
than any other school. If you're looking 
for hot girls who can hold their alcohol, 
stop Бу Вап 


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Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where to find this month's 
merchandise. To buy the ap- 
parel and equipment shown 
on pages 23-30, 32, 33, 
47-48, 110-111, 116-119 
and 163, check the listings 
below to find the stores near- 
est you. 


AFTER HOURS 

Pages 23-30: Kinky and Blissful, Trafal- 
gar Square, 800-423-4525. Bernard of 
Hollywood, Taschen, 888-827-2436. 
Clown Paintings, Powerhouse Books, 
877-742-6657. Remote-controlled fly- 
ing saucer, 306-955-1836. 


MUSIC 

Page 32: Bright Eyes, saddle-creek. 
com. Broken Music, birdnest.se/am 
persand. Flunk, beatservice.no. Mary 
Gauthier, signature-sounds.com. Rick 
Holmstrom, tonecool.com. Ladytron, 
emperornorton.com. Aimee Mann, 
drivingsideways.com or aimeemann. 
com. MF Grimm, daybydayent.com/ 
mfgrimm.htm. Noise and Electronic 
Music, subrosa.net. Queens of the Stone 
Age, interscope.com or gotsa.com. 
Royksopp and Flunk, astralwerks.com. 
Sonic Youth, geffen.com. Spoon, merge 
records.com or spoontheband.com. 
Bruce Springsteen, columbiarecords. 
com or brucespringsteen.net. Trinity, 
priorityrecords.com. Vines, hollywood 
andvine.com or thevines.com. Kelly 
Willis, rykodisc.com. 


WIRED 

Page 33: EA, 800-245-4525 or ea. 
com. Electromotive, 703-331-0100 or 
electromotive-inc.com. Harman Mul- 
timedia, 877-266-6202 or harman- 
multimedia.com. Powerchip, Power 


chipgroup.com. Super- 
chips, 800-898-2447, ext. 
2001 or superchips.com. 
THQ, 818-880-0456 or 
thq.com. Ubi Soft Enter- 
tainment, redstorm.com. 
U.S. Army, americasarmy. 
com or goarmy.com. 


MANTRACK 

Pages 47-48: BMW, bmw 
usa.com. Fairline, fair 
line.com. Fodor's, 212-572-8784 or fo 
dors.com. Hangar 1, 707-462-3221, 
800-782-8145 or hangarone.com. 
Harper Collins, 212-207-7901. Mini 
Cooper, miniusa.com. Motorized Golf, 
978-281-6464, 800-917-9470 or mo 
torizedgolf.com. Nissan, nissandriv 
en.com. Yachtsmart, 703-328-6155 or 
fractionalyacht.com. 


PARTY TRAY 

Pages 110-111: Bacardi, 800-293-9559 
or bacardisilver.com. Captain Morgan, 
800-978-6626 or rum.com. Jack Dan- 
iel's, 888-403-0084 ог jackdaniels.com. 
Sauza, 866-236-6327. Skyy, 866-759- 
9258 or skyy.com. Smirnoff, www.smir 
noff.com. Stolichnaya, 866-236-6327. 


CRIBS ON WHEELS 

Pages 116-119: Alpine Electronics, al 
pine.com. Bentley Motors, bentleymo 
tors.com. Cadillac, cadillac.com. Fer- 
rari, ferrari.com. JL Audio, 954-443- 
1100 or jlaudio.com. JR's Custom Auto, 
972-438-4902 or jrscustomauto.com. 
Kenwood Electronics, 800-536-9663 or 
kenwoodusa.com. MB Quart, 800- 
962-4412 or mbquart.com. Mercedes- 
Benz, mercedes-benz.com. Sony, sta 
tion.com. 310 Motoring, 310-670- 
1515 or 310motoring.com. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 163: Honda, honda.com. Toyota, 
toyota.com. 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY ву: к. з STEVEN BARBOUN, PATTY BEAUDET.FRANGES, STEPHEN BECK. 2 MIGGIN BÜTHAM. сон: 


BLECELESTINE AGENCY. MAREUP. APRIL GRAVES FOR CELESTINE AGENCY. PROOUCER. MARILYN GRABOWSKI 


Sex in Cinema 


(continued from page 84) 
be rounder. Your bush needs a trim.” 
And on and on. It's hard enough for an 
actress to take off her clothes and let ev- 
eryone look at her; it must have been 
terrifying to have dialogue adjusted to 
describe even the smallest imperfection. 

Sexwise, the most aptly titled movie of 
the year was Sex und Lucia, a movie that 
has so much sex it deserves title billing. 
Sex's co-star, Paz Vega, has been described 
prosaically as "the next Penélope Cruz" 
and more poctically as "a gift to this life"; 
neither phrasing is an overstatement. 
"There was also a lot of sex in Confessions 
of a Dangerous Mind, including a particu- 
larly frisky sequence involving Sam Rock- 
well and Drew Barrymore. Leonardo 
DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz struck a lot 
of sparks in Gangs of New York. The title 
of this year's best pickup line was retired 
early in the season, when Russell Crowe, 
playing the brilliant but less than suave 
mathematician John Nash in A Beautiful 
Mind, approaches a beauteous blonde 
in a bar and after some moments of cogi- 
tation says, "I don't exactly know what 
1 am required to say in order for you 
to have intercourse with me. Essential- 
ly, we're talking about fluid exchange, 
right, so could we go right to the sex?" 
(In case you haven't seen the movie, 
I won't tell you whether or not the ap- 
proach succeeded.) 

It's a shame that more movies haven't 
figured out how to treat male sexuality, 
because those that have are among the 
best pictures of the year. In Monster's 
Ball, Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Ber- 
ry played characters mired in a culture 
of death and hate. They manage to 
break out of it by using sex, first for its 
explosive, disruptive power, and then 
for its ability to heal, soothe and sustain. 
The guys in The Rules of Attraction use sex 
because they can't find meaning in their 
lives, and sex, like drugs, is a pleasur- 
able way of disguising that truth. In Rog- 
er Dodger, starring Campbell Scott, and 
About a Boy, starring Hugh Grant, the 
lead characters were smart and charm- 
ing but were content to lead shallow, self- 
ish existences until they were shocked 
to discover that there are larger di- 
mensions to life. It's not that they di 
covered sex was no longer important. 
In fact, what they discovered is that sex 
had been filling a place where some- 
thing equally profound belonged and 
that they were happier when things were 
more in balance. The cliché that men are 
interested only in sex isn't eradicated 
by movies that pretend men arent inter- 
ested in sex. Men are very interested in 
sex—hey, even that hot amnesiac secret 
agent remembered he liked girls—and it 
would be a treat if movies engaged that 
interest more often. 


[PLAYMATE 8 


NICOLE NARAIN CHATS UP ROCKER PETE YORN 


Playmate, actress and budding TV 
personality Nicole Narain could easi- 
ly be your next favorite talk show 
host. She's so likable and bright that 
she gave us an idea: Why not send 
Nicole to talk with another up-and- 
comer, singer and 
songwriter Pete 

Yorn? Nicole 
met Pete 


(who is recording his as yet un- 
titled second CD) at thc Four 
Seasonsin Los Angeles, and pro- 
ceeded to flex her interview- 
ing brawn. Carson Daly, watch 
your back. 

NN: So, Pete, your first CD, Mu- 
sic for the Morning After, went 
gold. Congrats! How are you 
handling stardom? 

py: It hasn't been overwhelm- 
ing. It happened slowly, over a 
year and a half. People say, “Do you 
feel like a rock star?" I don't. 1 feel 
like me. I don't even have security. I 
left a show one night and there were 
200 people waiting for us and going 
nuts in the street. We were like, "Ah! 


We better get some security!" The on- 
ly security we have now is our light- 
ing guy standing guard. 

NN: You just wrapped up a headlining 
tour. Is touring hard work? 

ry: It's busier than I thought. People 
think you sleep all day and play rock 
shows at night. Actually, after a show 
yov always end up in a bar, because 
everyone wants to party with you. 
You have to do it. 

NN: You have to! Poor you. 

PY: I know. Then you get on the bus 
and try to sleep, but you can't. You 
drive all night to the next city and 


then the tour manager's like, "Get 
up! It's eight o'dock and you have to 
do Good Morning Salt Lake City.” 

NN: Trashed any hotel rooms? 

ry: Oh, yeah. Shitty hotel rooms. 
I wouldn't trash a nice room. It starts 
with our bass player surfing on the 
ironing board. That breaks in five 
minutes, then the TV gets moved and 
walls get kicked. Trashing dressing 
rooms is fun—there's always tons of 
food to throw. In the morning it's 
like, "I didn't do anything!" 

NN: You're from New Jersey—do you 
love Bruce Springsteen? 

py: I hated him when I was younger. 
I was like, “Springsteen? Fuck that. 
Born in the USA is lame.” He was too 


"NEWS 


со Tt 


"Those boots. That belt. That 
headband. Centerfold Marlene 
Janssen hailed from 
the Quad Cities, 
and she was game 
to put on—and 
take off—the quint- 
essential Eight- 
ies postdisco, pre- 
Flashdance getup. 
Last time we spoke 
with Marlene, she 
was living in North 
Carolina and man- 
aging Temptations 
sex-toy parties for 
Adam and Eve Pro- 
ductions (more on 
that next month). 
Marvel at Miss No- 
vember 1982—and 
be glad that Eight- 


ies fashions are long gone. 


Marlene 
Jonssen. 


close to home. Then in college I got 
into him. 

NN: Do you remember the first song 
you wrote? 

PY: Yeah, it's called The One, and it's 
a Cure-type love song. It goes, "She 
was the princess of the underworld/ 
Her lips were red like fire/She told 
me once or so I thought/That love 
was her desire." Lame! That rhyming 
of fire with desire is so clichéd. I'm 
embarrassed. 

NN: You've been linked to Winona Ry- 
der and Minnie Driver. Are you see- 
ing anyone now? 

py: It has been 
reported that I 
have a girlfriend, 
but I don't. It 
doesn't make any 
sense to have a 
girlfriend when 
you're traveling 
as much as I am. 
1 just couldn't 
give her what she 
deserves. 

NN: What's your 
biggest love fear? 
рү: That it doesn't. 
exist. I haven't 
been in love since high school. I know 
that love is more than sex and physi- 
cal attraction. That goes away. 

NN: Women must throw themselves at 
you. How can you tell if they're after 
you because you're famous? 

РҮ: You can't shit a shitter. 


“Trashing 

dressing 

rooms is 
tun—there's 


always 
tons of 
food to 
throw,” 


160 


My all-time favorite 
is Anna Nicole 
Smith. I thought 
perhaps if I be- 
came rich 
enough 
4 and old 
Ч enough, 
Ki she'd 
E Anno 
Nicole: Stor 
on Е 


| 
| 


A string quartet playing at Rebek- 
ka Armstrong's wedding? Yeah, right. 
Whether she is portraying a hero- 
in addict on the MTV reality show 

Flipped, giving safe- 
sex lectures 
around the 
world or ap- 
pearing in 
public service 
announce- 
ments for Ca- 
ble Positive 
HIV/AIDS 
awareness, Rebekka has always lived 
by her own rules. When it came time 
to plan their wedding, Rebekka and 


Entertain You 


activist for more than 16 years, Julie donated the 
$28,000 she won on Weakest Link to her favorite. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


her fiancé, Oliver Luettgenau, had 
just one requirement: rocking music. 
"They hired Los Angeles-based pop- 
rock band Gifted, and at one point, 
the bride jumped onstage to join the 
band jamming on Seven Sundays. Says 
Gifted guitarist Rob Allen, "The wed- 
ding was a blast! Everyone was into it. 
1n fact, the guests had more tattoos 
and piercings than the band. Quite 
the cool crowd." Rebekka adds: "We 
went to Costa Rica for our honey- 
moon. Very romantic." We wish Re- 
bekka and Oliver all the best. 


LOOSE LIPS 


ARK 


“A while одо a girl came up to 
me and said, "Your Centerfold is 
sa beautiful, but you shauld have 
trimmed yaur bush.’ Vince Neil 
made me graw it aut because he 
didn‘t want anyane to see any- 
thing. He had his hand in every- 
thing. I'm desperotely trying ta 
get diverced. And, yes, now it’s 
trimmed. | had the bad bay. The 
next time, | am going ta marry a 
nice guy." 


SHANNA MOAKLER: 

“Men like my breasts because they 
оге natural and firm. I'm o topless 
thang beachgaer.” 


KRISTI CLINE: 
“I'm a flirt. Since | became single, 
it's horrible. It's like I'm 17 again!” 


Ploymotes have touted 
| People for the Ethical 
| Treatment of Animals! 
| meof-Iree motto in playful 

od compalans for years, 

Kimberley Conrad Helner 

| (near lei] graces advertise 

ments os a yoluptuous ver- 

sion of Uncle Sam, Louren 

Anderson served "not dogs" 

to hungry Congress mem- 

| bers on Capitol Hill, follow- 

| ing Ihe lead of Julie MeCul- 

lough and Kari Kennell- 

| Whiltman (far lefi], who wore: 

| lettuce bikinis at the some gig 

in 2000. "I'd walk down the 

streel noked if i! aot people to stop eating 
that junk,” Juliesays. A vegetorian ond onimel 


charity, Lost Chance for Animals. 


The Anna Nicole Smith mad- 
ness continues. Her reality show 
on E isa hit, Showtime has com- 
missioned a documentary about 
her called Mlegally Blonde 
and she is gearing up to 
write her memoirs. . . . 
Congrats to newlywed 
Kerissa Fare, who is ex- 
En \ pecting her first child 

Е any day now. ... 

The new An- 

gry Chiwa- 

wah CD, Un- 

leashed, has 

Brande Rod- 

erick on its 

соўег nom o 

Pamela A 
derson dis- 
cussed her 
battles with 
Tommy Lee, 


in mant magazine on Larry King 
- Longtime vegetarian 
Kai Kennell-Whitman (see sto- 

ry below left) heads the nonprof- 
it el rescue group Ace of 
Hearts (acesangels.org). She has 
found homes for more than 700 
dogs from the pound. . . . Nikki 
Schieler got a pink slip from 
The Price Is Right. “I was given no 


reason,” Nikki says. “I heard I 
was getting too much attention." 
Heather Kozar, who left 

on her own accord, was 


replaced as well. . . . Darlene 
Bernaola shows up in ads for the 
Malaguti USA motor scooters 
designed by Franky and Minx, 
known for a tattoo-inspired un- 
derwear line. Buy skivvies for your 
girl at frankyandminx.com. 


WILLIE NELSON nin fom page 70) 


“Wait. I have a little joke. A duck went into the bar 
and said, ‘You got any grapes?” 


1 mean to see the changes іп the world— 
not only the bad ones, but also the good 
ones. Look at the Internet. Now we're 
communicating with people around the 
world without having to go through a 
record company or publicity machine. 
We're sending songs out in digital form. 
Amazing shit. 

PLAYBOY: Part of sending songs out on 
the Net has raised controversies about 
copyrights. Are you concerned? 

NELSON: I think it’s all good. I’m for the 
people and this is giving them a new way 
to listen to music. It's good for artists, 
too, especially breaking artists, because 
it's a way to get heard сусп if they 
haven't been signed by a big label. This 
doesn't mean I don't want to get paid for 
my work, but I do all right. Things are 
shaking out and the Internet may work 
like the radio or something so artists get 
their royalties. I'm not worried. 1 put 
samples of songs on the web all the time. 
You ain't gonna hear this stuff on the 
radio. They'll sort it all out—royalties, 
whether you're gonna have to pay taxes 
on the Internet. 

PLAYBOY: Taxes must be a sore subject for 
you after your widely publicized IRS 
audit. 

NELSON: The Infernal Revenue Service. 
PLAYBOY: Which in 1990 presented you 
with a bill for tens of millions of dollars. 
NELSON: An impressive sum. I got an of- 
ficial letter. 1 owe what? We knew it was 
coming, actually. It was happening to 
other people who invested in the same 
things I invested in—these shelters we 
were sold on—and we were told to ex- 
pect it. They seized everything I had. 1 
was angry, of course. Especially angry at 
the people who advised me and got me 
into the mess. 

PLAYBOY: Were you thumbing your nose 
at the IRS by releasing The IRS Tapes 
album? 

NELSON: I was just trying to test their 
sense of humor, I suppose. I actually 
heard that they thought it was pretty 
funny. The funniest part was that it was 
the best promotion for an album I ever 
had. People heard about it everywhere. 
The more people heard about my trou- 
bles, the more they came out to help. I 
got phone calls and letters from people 
wanting to do everything you can think 
of. At shows, people would try to give 
me money. Friends bought my stuff so I 
could buy it back from them. 

PLAYBOY: What lessons did you learn 
from your IRS debacle? 

NELSON: A couple of things. First, not to 


trust other people with things that are 
your responsibility. I just didn't want to 
know and I let people make decisions 
and nodded, thinking, I’m just playing 
music. “You deal with this other shit.” 
That was a mistake and I want to know 
what people are doing in my name and 
with my money or anything else. Sec- 
ond, it made me think clearer about 
what I really want in my life, what I 
need. You can get caught up thinking 
you need a lot more than you do. Then 
it can be like a weight on you, keeping 
you down. The IRS didn’t mean to do 
me a favor, but in a way they did. They 
helped me clean house. I didn't need all 
that stuff anyway. 

PLAYBOY: Stuff like? 

NELSON: Stuff like a jet. That's what can 
happen and then you have all this shit 
and think, Now I have to pay the bills. 1 
prefer the bus anyway. Everybody thinks 


it was this hell in my life, but it wasn't. It 
was just something I had to get through. 
There has been worse. 

PLAYBOY: Presumably the worst was when 
your son Billy committed suicide. 
NELSON: That was the worst. Everything 
is insignificant when you have to face 
something like that. Billy's with us 
though. That's the way I feel about it. 
PLAYBOY: After four marriages, have you 
given any thought to a fifth? 

NELSON: My lifestyle isn't conducive to 
marriage. It took four times because I 
guess Im a slow learner. Maybe they 
didn't like my sense of humor. How do 
you change a dishwasher into a snow- 
plow? Give the bitch a shovel [laughs]. 
Still, every one I was married to was a 
wonderful woman. My lifestyle's a little 
hard. I'm on the road so much. 

PLAYBOY. Did you miss anything because 
of all the miles you've logged? 

NELSON: Did I miss anything? I'm sure I 
did. But if I had the chance to do it all 
over again, I'd do it exactly the same. 
Wrong or right, it's my life. Sounds like a 


song, doesn't it. 


“Headlines get me hot” “The secreto a good *] was born to до те: 
stripteaseis;.." 1 weather naked? 


SS |. | 


on the 


[EASY OY 


Scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


STEPPING UP 


ast year, the two best-selling automobiles in America were 

the Honda Accord and the Toyota Camry. Together, both of 

these models sold about 800,000 units. The average retail 

price per car is slightly more than $21,000, so the Camry 
and the Accord generated almost $17 billion in revenue. To give 
you a reality check on these numbers, movie ticket sales in 2001 
came to about $8.3 billion. Vídeo games were about $10 billion. 
The Accord and the Camry aren't simply sales-volume leaders, 
they are an industry. 

No matter how much you covet a new Jaguar or a Mercedes- 
Benz, it’s likely that at some point in your life, you're going to make 
a list of the cars that realistically fit your needs and resources. Cam- 
ry and Accord will 
be on it. Here's our 
point; Honda and 
Toyota have made 
it easier for a driv- 
er who cares about 
driving to want, and 
even love, one of 
these cars. In their 
cloth-upholstered, 
four-cylinder ver- 
sions, neither will 
get your juices flow- 


ing. But the top-of-the-line Camry is surprisingly elegant, and the 
2003 Accord EX V6 is a sports sedan that's a worthy rival to com- 
parable models made by Mercedes-Benz and BMW. 

The Camry SE is the medium-size, four-door car Cadillac wishes 
it could build. The fit and finish are world-class; no one does it bet- 
ter. It's handsome and responsive, with good steering feedback 
and secure footing. It's big inside, too. Hard to say how they ac- 
complish this trick, but four adults have enough room to be com- 
fortable in a Camry. Simple things such as the way the backseat 
folds down to enlarge the trunk's storage space are marvels of con- 
venience and engineering. Except for a microsecond lag when ac- 
celerating hard from 30 miles per hour, the driving experience 
matches the machinery 

The EX V6 version of the Honda Accord, sleekly redesigned for 
WHERE AND HOW TO Bu 


IN CLASS 


2003, must be a headache for anyone trying to sell a Mercedes C 
class. The car offers precise steering, a sports sedan suspension and 
plenty of grip. (To feel even more grip, order an Accord coupe with 
a six-speed stick shift.) The V6's locomotion comes from a formi- 
dable three-liter, 24-valve engine coupled to a five-speed auto- 


A four-cylinder Accord DX sedan's price is about $15,000, but we rec- 
ommend you up the ante and go for Honda's six-cylinder model (be- 
low). Its base price is around $22,000, though by the time you add on 
all the goodies (including about $2000 for the voice-controlled navi- 
gation system pictured here), expect to part with about $28,000. A 


240 hp engine and terrific handling justify the price. 


Left: The Toyota six-cylinder Camry SE has a base price 
of $23,700, but we predict most buyers will also spring 
for the company's $3100 Package Number Four, which 
cludes keyless entry, leather trim, a power driver's 
seat, а six-disc and eight-speaker sound system and a power moon- 
roof. A navigation system is another two grand. The four-cylinder XLE 
model is similar but does not have a spoiler. The SE's dashboard 
(above) has a clean, clear and elegant look that we applaud. 


matic transmission. How hot is the Accord six? Try 240 hp. For 
comparison, the Camry six has 192 hp, the C-class Mercedes- 
Benz’ horsepower is 215. Both Ihe Camry SE and the Accord EX of- 
fer an optional in-dash CD and cassette player, plus a navigation 
system. The Accord EX overachieves with a voice-controlled navi 
that allows you to give orders to your car while you keep your 
hands on the steering wheel. Some people love navigation giz- 
mos, some don't. But if you're going to use it, being able to talk 
to the system is cool ARTHUR KRETCHMER 


163 


ШЕ г ареу!пе Е 


Off the 


an MATTHEW сака 
Mayen Adan een acie 
ron 
edu Fire and ЕА 


ting pretty. TIFT How to 
MERRITT's de- Losea 
but CD, Bram- Guy in 10 
ble Rose, has Days. For 
no thorns. now, you'll 
find him 
ready for a 
quick spin on 
his hog. 


Window 
Dressing 

Model LOREDANA FERRIOLO was 
a finalist in the Miss Hawaiian 
Tropic International pageant. You 
can see her in the 2003 Extreme 
Sports calendar. 


Busting Out 

Foolish may be the name of her hit single, but ASHANTI is any- 
thing but. Her self-titled debut CD has already gone double 
platinum, and she’s solid gold in this dress. 


Keeping the Faith 

FAITH EVANS calls her gold CD Faithfully, in 
part an homage to her husband B.1.G. but 
she doesn't actually sing about him. We call 
it her best one to date. 


Baby Got Back 

Champion billiard player NATALIE BURNS can be found in a 
couple of videos, including 1/11 Pay You to Get Naked. Here, 
you get Natalie naked for nothing. 


Beached Babe 

Lingerie model THUY DANG brightens up the beach 
between calendar shoots for Fly Girls International 
and Wild Teasers. Surf's up. 


Motpourri 


COFFEE ON A STICK 


To get your morning buzz, try Javapops. This 
new line of adult lollipops by McJak Candy 
comes in five coffee flavors. (How does choco- 
late raspberry sound?) Each pop packs about 
the same amount of caffeine as a cup of joe. 
Candy and campus stores—and even some cof- 
fee shops—sell Javapops for 

about $1 each. You can 
"di also go to mcjakcandy. 
com and order 40 
for $25. Gift bas- 
kets are available. 


GO THE DISTANCE 


Don't look for a Derek Jeter, Sammy Sosa or 
Barry Bonds jersey at Distant Replays in Atlanta 
(324 East Paces Ferry Road). Atleast not for a 
few years. Distant Replays, the "retro sports 
store," sells authentic reproductions of T-shirts, 
caps, jerseys and jackets originally worn by ma- 
jor and minor league baseball players, along 
with equipment worn by stars from other 
sports. Prices range from $15 to $550. (A Lance 
Alworth San Diego Chargers jersey costs $450.) 
Go to distantreplays.com or call 888-241-8807 
The company offers team pennants, too. 


FEELING SHEEPISH 


New Zealanders claim their 

country has more sheep than 

citizens. That may change, 

courtesy of the Great New 

Zealand Sheepskin Co. 

zes in 

sheepskin rugs—and 

we're not referring to 
ipy ones that 

aren't thick enough 

to keep your feet 

warm. Its rugs are 

thick and cushy. 

Put one in front 

of your fireplace 

and you won't 


to eight sewn to- 
gether (pictured: 
here), measuring 
749х100" ($450). Those 

prices include shipping. Other 
sizes are available. Go to nze 
fleece.com to order. 


THESE ARE OBJECTS FOR THE LEGION 


Deutsche Optik scours the world for unusual military surplus. Its 
catalogs are must-reads for anyone seeking Swiss army horseshoe 
nails or Checkpoint Charlie binoculars. Our favorite hardware, 
however, was once issued to French soldiers. Who else would 
equip their troops with corkscrews? (Price: $3.) French helicopter 
pilot sunglasses ($35, including metal case) are darker than a 
wine cellar at midnight. Also pictured above are a compass in a 
metal case ($75) and a field sewing kit ($20). Not pictured is the 
French straight razor ($20). No mention of an aftershave, howev- 
er, To order, call 800-225-9407 or log on to deutscheoptik.com. 


CRIME PAYS 
GET BULLETPROOFED Otto Penzler, owner of the Mys- 
Want to know how to take a bullet or spy- terious Bookshop in Manhattan, 
proof your hotel room? Pick up a copy of has teamed with author Thomas 
Quirk Books’ Action Heros Handbook and Cook to edit a new nonfiction 
let David Borgenicht (who co-authored anthology series, The Best Ameri- 
the best-selling Worst-Case Scenario Sur- can Crime Writing. Mark Singer's 
vival Handbook) and Joe Borgenicht sup- “The Chicken Warriors” (a look 
ply the answers. There are even sections at the illegal world of cockfight- 
on how to escape from Alcatraz and ways ing), E. Jean Carroll's “The 
to fend off a ghost. Price: $14.95. Check Cheerleaders” (murders, rapes 
bookstores. and suicides in a s 
and David McClintick's "Fatz 
("3 3 Bondage" (a tale of a sadomaso- 
chistic serial killer) are in the 
first volume, which is available 
in paperback (Vintage, $15) and 


hardcover (Pantheon, $29.50). 


CLIC IS SO CHIC 


Most reading glasses look like something 
Ben Franklin would have worn. Clic Gog- 
gles, a hip eyewear company, has intro- 
duced Clic Readers—comfortable and 
cool-looking reading glasses that feature 
a combined headband and neck strap 
and a magnetic center closure. When not 
in use, the glasses look great hanging 
around your neck. Price: $24.95. Avail- 
able in different colors and strengths. Go 
to clicreaders.com for more information. 


RUM FOR THE MONEY 


с your glass to dark distillations. Eight-ycar-old Cohiba Pr 
mium Rum from the Dominican Republic is as smooth as the 

gar it’s named after ($18). VooDoo spiced rum from the Virgin 
Islands marries vanilla with cinnamon and cloves ($15). Ciclón, in 
its distinctive swirl-embossed bottle, combines Bacardi gold with 
Reposado tequila ($14). Fifteen-year-old Matusalem Gran Reser- 
va is based on a rum formula that originated in Cuba ($30). 


x m COQ AU BARE BREASTS 
“Who says porn stars can't cook? 
Who cares!" That's the cover 
line for Cooking With Porn Stars, 
a 70-minute video or DVD fea- 
turing Houston, Raylene (right), 
Teri Weigel and others as they 
prepare everything from fudge 
brownies to full meals. There's 
also behind-the-scenes footage 
that shows TV host Colin Ma- 
lone revealing what happens 
when everyone thinks the cam- 
eras aren't running. Price: 
$14.95 for VHS, $19.95 for 
DVD, from eclecticdvd.com. 


In the August Potpourri we neglected 
to mention that you had to enter 00 
when ordering O Beer Can Chicken 
Roaster from 800-480-4450. 


167 


168 


Month: 


GALA HOLIDAY ISSUE 


DITA VON TEESE 


SNLSCOOP 


THE DETECTIVE 


LA VITA DITA— DITA VON TEESE IS A 21ST CENTURY BETTIE 
PAGE, A PIN-UP GIRL WITH STARTLING CURVES AND A BOY- 
FRIEND NAMED MARILYN MANSON. DID WE MENTION SHE'S 
HOLLYWOOD'S FETISH DIVA? OUR KINKY GIFT TO YOU FOR 
THE HOLIDAYS. 


UNSOLVED HOLLYWOOD—TAKE THE COLD-CASE TOUR, 
^ FASCINATING IF GRISLY JAUNT THROUGH TINSELTOWN'S 
STRANGEST MYSTERIES. YOU KNOW THE NAMES—NATALIE 
WOOD, BOB CRANE, WILLIAM DESMOND TAYLOR, MARILYN 
MONROE—BUT NOBODY KNOWS THE REAL STORIES. WE VIS- 
IT THE CRIME SCENES. BY STEVE POND 


MUSIC POLL BALLOT—WHO ROCKED YOUR STEREO THIS 
YEAR? THE STROKES? SPRINGSTEEN? WEEZER? TOM PET- 
TY? ANDREW W.K.? HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE HISTO- 
RY. PLUS: OUR Q. AND A. WITH PINK, THE COOLEST CHICK 
WITH THE DIRTIEST MOUTH 


DENZEL WASHINGTON—THE OSCAR WINNER SOUNDS OFF 
ON RACE AND HOLLYWOOD, OVERPAID STARS AND WHY HE 
IS MOVING BEHIND THE CAMERA. A FRANK INTERVIEW BY 
MICHAEL FLEMING 


THE BEST DAMN JOB, PERIOD--BEHIND THE SCENES АТ 
CABLE'S HOT AND HILARIOUS SPORTS SHOW: FANS, FAT AND 
TONS OF TASTELESS JOKES. BY TOM ARNOLD 


THE DETECTIVE—LARRY STARCZEK WAS IN BED WITH A 
PROSECUTOR NAMED MURIEL WYNN WHEN HE GOT WORD 


WORLDCOM WOMEN 


OF THE RESTAURANT MURDERS. YOU COULD SAY HE WENT 
FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE. FROM SCOTT TU- 
ROW'S NEW NOVEL, REVERSIBLE ERRORS 


LIVE FROM NEW YORK—A WRITER ON AMERICA'S EDGIEST 
TV COMEDY LAB—STILL!—REVISITS THREE DECADES OF NOT- 
READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. WHICH GUY COULDN'T DO 
CHARACTERS TO SAVE HIS LIFE? WHICH GAL DRANK AND HAD 
(CRAZY SEX? WHERE ARE THEY NOW? BY ANNE BEATTS 


THE WOMEN OF WORLDCOM—ON THE HEELS OF ENRON 
COMES ANOTHER LOOK AT CORRUPTION IN THE AMERICAN 
BUSINESS WORLD. YOU'VE MET THE BAD GUYS—NOW MEET 
THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, A MONEY PICTORIAL 


HOW TO SAVE YOUR ASS IN A SCANDAL—IT HAPPENS TO 
EVERYONE: BOSSES, HOMEMAKERS, ARCHBISHOPS. YOU 
MAKE A TEENY MISTAKE—AND SUDDENLY THE MEDIA ARE 
HOUNDING YOU. RULE ONE: DENY EVERYTHING. BY JAMIE 
MALANOWSKI 


COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW—UNCANNILY ACCURATE 
THE PAST TWO SEASONS, GARY COLE AND DAVID KAPLAN 
PICK THE BEST TEAMS AND PLAYERS. A MUST-READ 


GREG KINNEAR—THE TALK SOUP WISEGUY TURNED MOVIE 
STAR ANSWERS 20 QUESTIONS BY ROBERT CRANE 


PLUS: DMX, CELEB CHRISTMAS CAROLS, HOW TO DO IT IN A 
MINI, HOLIDAY PARTY CLOTHES AND PLAYMATE LANI TODD