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IT MAY ВЕ RELIEF at still having а job. Or maybe it’s the urge to 
drink freely on the boss dime. In any case, holiday office par- i 
ties are workplace snow globes of romantic possibility. For us | 
at PLAYBOY, the buffet alone requires mental wet wipes. Meat 
turns us carnivorous (*Look at that tenderloin"), spices be- 
come verbs (“It's time to nut Meg from accounting") and 
dessert is always sticky (“It’s not what you think—it's just беру 
pudding"). And we're not alone. For years we've been receiv- 
ing evidence of the sexual productivity of American workers 
in the form of letters to the Playboy Advisor. So when we decid- 
ed to generate hard numbers, we turned to Senior Staff Writ- 
er James В. Petersen, The author of The Century of Sex: Playboy's 
History of the Sexual Revolution and the man who made the Ad- 
visor an American icon teamed with one of our freshest col- 
leagues, Editorial Assistant Malina Lee, who helped him spe- 
lunk through the correspondence. The numbers in Playboy's 
Office Sex Survey prove American workers indeed whistle while 
they work. 

Among those who enjoyed a silent scream at the office was 
a guy who says he screws only the most competent people. It's 
a strategy that seems to have come straight from the board- 
room. In Santa's Naughty CEOs, columnist Arianna Huffington 
tackles the subject of corporate villainy. Turns out our para- 
gons of greed learned their tricks at the booted feet of Santa 
himself. Huffington was tipped off to various balance-sheer 
hustles by a mysterious little fellow named Deep Elf. His story 
is a sharp kick to a corrupt executive's gift sack. 

Straight talk is also what we've come to expect from Bill 
O'Reilly, host of the highly rated cable show The O'Reilly Factor. 
He's frank and full of beans, and it's not just while the cam- 
eras are rolling. This month, he turns his penetrating gaze to 
the moribund prospects of traditional TV journalism. The ОРУ 
Death of Network News is O'Reilly's rebuke to his competitors. 
He has the attitude (and the numbers) to back up his claims. 

Seasons in Hell by Mike Shropshire is one of the funniest books 
on baseball you'll ever come across. Published a few years ago, 
it's a profane history of the Texas Rangers as they struggled 
through the mid-Seventies. It also happens to be a favorite of 
a man who madea fortune off the franchise, President George 
W. Bush. Over the years, as Shropshire and Dubya crossed 
paths, Shropshire developed a major insight and more than a GROBEL AND BERRY 
few anecdotes involving Bush the younger. 'The secret to our « 
president is that he thinks of himself as a bona fide Texan 
Shropshire's profile, W (illustrated by Andrea Ventura), is as 
much about the state as it is about the man—tough, charming 
and, at times, strange as hell. “You can disagree with his poli- 
alls fall off,” says Shropshire, “but to meet him 


SHROPSHIRE, 


CONNELLY 


is to like him.” 

It’s time to deck the halls with Halle Berry. She's the subject 
ofa Playboy Interview by Lawrence Grobel, heralding her arrival 
as a Bond girl. Together with last month’s conversation with 


Denzel Washington, it marks back-to-back interviews with last 
year's top Oscar winners. Birth of the Mob by Michael Fleming al- 
so takes us back to the movies—and back in time—as Martin 
Scorsese discusses his new epic, Gangs of New York. Best-selling 
mystery novelist Michael Connelly delivers a short story, Christ- 
mas Even, that features a pawnbroker, a sax and a dead body. 
The artwork is by Phil Hale. Photographer Antoine Verglas takes 
us indoors for our fashion feature, Give a Girl a Shirt, while 
cover model Tia Carrere (photographed by Phillip Dixon) give 
us nothing but a good smile. And a great body. Alter all, 
the thought that counts. 


VERGLAS — DIXON 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), January 2003, volume 50, number 1. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Minois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail cire@ny.playboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboycom. 5 


ish 


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vol. 50, no.1—january 2003 


PLAYBOY 


= - = contents] 


features 


72 BIRTH OF THE MOB 
It's taken Martin Scorsese a quarter century to bring his epic Gangs of New York to 
the screen. The movie is all about the mean streets of the 19th century—but is it 
worth the wait? BY MICHAEL FLEMING 


92 THE PLAYBOY OFFICE SEX SURVEY 
Talk about spreadsheets. Today's workplace is a hotbed of lust. But you knew that. 
Did you know more women than men have boffed an intern? That uomen are more 
likely to get laid on their lunch breaks? We did our research. 


98 MONSTER’S BALL 
Playboy rounds up Euro mud-busters from Mercedes-Benz, Porsche, VW and Volvo, 
as well as some American cousins. They're big, fast brutes. BY KEN GROSS 


102 THE DEATH OF NETWORK NEWS 
In the past two decades the Big Three nightly news shows have lost 40 percent of 
their viewers. A star of the wired explosion levels a simple charge: cowardice 
BY BILL O'REILLY 


124 w 
George W. Bush's happiest adult moment was watching Nolan Ryan punch Robin 
Ventura. Maybe that's why he's so eager to nail Saddam. BY MIKE SHROPSHIRE 


128 VENGEANCE IS MINE 
Think again about Judgment Day. God has some nasty tricks up his sleeve. 
BY SHEL SILVERSTEIN 


139 — CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: LEXIE KARLSEN 
Lexie loves to give head—but if you want her best job, trim down under. 


140 SANTA'S NAUGHTY CEOs 
With all the empty 401(k) stockings this year, it's time to dole ош the coal to the 
corporate ho, ho, hos. A troubling report from the Pole. ВХ ARIANNA HUFFINGTON 


148 THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS 
I's our annual no-holds-barred poetry slam. This year it's corporate crooks, while 
Michael Ovitz and John Ashcroft get the beatdown. BY ROBERT 5. WIEDER cover $ t or y 


150 200 RON INSANA Tia Correre—the effervescent stor af Wayne's 


The co-anchor of CNBC's Business Center went bullistic in the Nineties. We ask 
where the money is now, what's Al Qaeda investing in and who's faster on the draw, 
him or the Man? BY WARREN KALBACKER sands af Howoii. Na wander that far Tia, life is 
о beach. In PLAYBOY, her life is a nude beach— 
174 ТЕХА5 MONEY 


É E d и Phillip Dixon to shoot o photo di 
Making a personal profit on loser oil wells, Enron-style off-balance-sheet transac. O ™ 991 FV Ip on fo Shoo! a phota doy 
tions, hitting up family friends for millions—it all part of the Dubya way to 
wealth. BY DANIEL FISHER 


World and oss-kicking archaeologist an TV's 
Relic Hunter—grew up frolicking on the black 


Our Rabbit's got himself in a tongle. 


interview 


63 HALLE BERRY 
Her Best Actress Oscar acceptance speech sailed over the top. Few expected anything 
less from the striking talent whose life has been haunted by abuse, bad luck, a bad 
marriage and—talk about over the top—Billy Bob Thornton. Now she is Bond's 
girl. BY LAWRENCE GROBEL 


vol. 50, no.1—january 2003 


PLAYBOY 


tents co 


B contents continued | 


pictorials 


76 


126 


132 


155 


TIA CARRERE 
Tia offers Hawaii's most beautiful 
views. We are not worthy. 


PLAYMATE: 

REBECCA RAMOS 

We'd love to give this Lone Star 
lawyer a deposition. 


BOOM TIME FOR BUTTS 
The lure of the ass has created a 
tectonic shift in the landscape. 


THE YEAR IN SEX 
Where to мат? How about wild 
nude protests and pink-slipped 
workers flaunting their assets? 


PLAYMATE REVIEW 
Party in the new year with a dozen 
bombshells—decisions, decisions. 


fiction 


86 


CHRISTMAS EVEN 

Harry Bosch reunites a sax with its 
jazzman. An uplifting holiday 
chiller. BY MICHAEL CONNELLY 


notes and news 


13 


191 


THE WORLD OF PLAYBOY 
Fight Night at the Mansion; 
Mark Hamill. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
Oprah and Dr. Phil don't get sex; 
snitches ruin innocent lives. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
The Baywatch reunion movie; a 


photo shoot for Playboy Japan. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 


WIRED, GAMES, 
LIVING ONLINE 


38 E-COMBAT 

41 PLAYBOY TV 

42 PLAYBOY.COM 

44 MEN 

47 MANTRACK 

51 THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 

122 PARTY JOKES 

186 WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 

195 ON THE SCENE 

196 GRAPEVINE 

198 POTPOURRI 
lifestyle x 

90 HOT CHOCOLATE 
Indescribably delicious, habit- 
forming, a memorable high of your 
relationship. Not sex, you idiot. 
BY JOHN REZEK 

105 ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA 
Need a last-minute gift? Try pock- 
ethnives, travel books or a tiny 
MP3 player. 

144 FASHION: GIVE A GIRL 
А SHIRT 
Let her into your drawers—your 
dresser, that is—and she'll be a pal 
forever. BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 
reviews 

28 MOVIES 
Ben Affleck as Daredevil, 
Elizabeth Berkley, Oscars. 

32 VIDEO 
Bachelor parties, Emmanuelle. 

33 MUSIC 
Ikara Colt, Sleater-Kinney, Badly 
Draun Boy. 

40 BOOKS 


Elmore Leonard, Muximum Who, 


A History of Orgies. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A. 


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HUGH M. HEFNER 
editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETCHMER editorial director 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 
JOHN REZEK associale managing editor 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL. 

FORUM: JAMES R. PETERSEN senior staff writer; СНІР ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERTI editorial 
assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS edilor; JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior edilor; BARBARA NELLIS, ALISON 
uro associate editors; ROBERT в, DESALVO assistant editor; TIMOTHY won junior editor; LINDA 
FEIDELSON, HELEN FRANGOULIS, HEATHER НАЕВЕ. CAROL KUBALEK. MALINA LEE. HARRIET PEASE, OLGA 
STAVROPOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY editor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; 
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associale editor; ANAHEED ALANI. ANNE SHERMAN assistant editors; REMA 
SMITH Senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN 
research librarian; тім GALVIN, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proofreaders; BRYAN BRAUER, BRADLEY LINCOLN 
assistants; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: ASA BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION). JOE DOLCE. 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL. KEN GROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, JOE MORGENSTERN, 
DAVID RENSIN. DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI. LEN WILLIS senior art directors; ROB WILSON associate. 
art director; PAUL. CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art 
services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior editors; PAVTY BEAUDET-FRANCÉS associate edilor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG. 
STEPHEN wavoa senior contributing photographers; RICHARD 1210. MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN 
NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR, DAVID RAMS Contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff 
photographer; вил. warte studio manager—los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, photo 
library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; PENNY EKKERT. GISELA ROSE production coordinators 


JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO, CINDY FONTARELLI. RICHARD 


QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOL associale managers; JOE CANE. BARB LA Desellers: BILL BENWAY. 
SIMNIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAK KKOWCZVK assistant 


CIRCULATION 
Lanny A. реке newsstand sales director; 


IS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; jor HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN mancus direct 
response manager; LISA NAYALE marketing director; sur сок event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT 
marketing services director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director: MARIE FIRNENO advertising 
business manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator; NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPE, VICTORIA 
HAMILTON, SUF JAFFE, JOHN LUMPKIN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL; 


CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER 


READER SERVICE 
MIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STROM correspondents 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEENER chairman, chief executive officer 
MICHAEL T CARR president, publishing division 


] 
ALL THREE FEATURE LENGTH FILMS 
PLUS OVER 3 HOURS OF BONUS MATERIALS 
A DOCUMENTARY ON THE MAKING OF THE FILMS * ADDITIONAL 
SCENES “ FILMING LOCATIONS FEATURETTE * STORYBOARDS 
CINEMATOGRAPHY OF THE GODFATHER * THE MUSIC OF THE | 
GODFATHER * THE CORLEONE FAMILY TREE * THE GODFATHER 
HISTORICAL TIME LINE * CHARACTER AND CAST BIOGRAPHIES 
AND MUCH MORE! 


www.puromount.eom /homeentertoinment 


жылдан ot end Roms much bj o dhonge vos e. THE GODFATHER a 
IME Copyright 02002 by Puma Fics. AI Ri 


HEF SIGHTINGS, MANSION FROLICS AND NIGHTLIFE NOTES 


CLOONEY AND CLARK AT THE MANSION 

Hanging with Hef, George Clooney shot scenes for Confes- 
sions of a Dangerous Mind at the Playboy Mansion with Dick 
Clark, who is also producing his own show, NBC's American 
Dreams, which premiered this fall. 


HOT SLOTS 
Hef was presented with the 
first Playboy Bally slot ma- 
chine at a Mansion launch par- 
ty. Teenage heartthrob Frankie 
Avalon has a slot, too, but 
Hef has all the girls. 


Sevendust played songs from their CD Animosity on the Cutty 
Rock the Boat tour, which ended in Los Angeles. Fans who 
won the Party Like a Rock Star sweepstakes earned a trip to 
the Playboy Mansion, where everything rocks. 


KNOCKOUTS ON FIGHT NIGHT sü S : 
The stars came out at the Mansion to join Hef and his gal pals for the LUKE SKYWALKER 
highly anticipated Oscar De La Hoya-Fernando Vargas bout. Laced RAPS WITH HEF 

up for fight night are (clockwise from above) Mark Wahlberg and Iz- E Mark Hamill is produc- 
abella St. James, rock stars Fred Durst and Gene Simmons, Pauly 1 ing and starring in a 
Shore, Renee Sloan and Playmate Nicole Narain, and Scott Caan with mockumentary about 


Playmates Ava Fabian and Julie McCullough. make-believe clas- 
sic comic-book he- 


roes Commander Cour- 
age and Liberty Lad— 
changing Lad to Lass 
for a more contempo- 
rary audience. Mark 
is interviewing celeb- 
rities, including Неї, 
who shared memories 
of Little Annie Fanny 
creators Harvey Kurtz- 
man and Will Elder, 
and the comic-book 
icons of his childhood. 


13 


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FOR FULL DETAILS AND OFFICIAL RULES. 


No purchase necessary. Vald whare prohibited. Open te U.S. residents eniy. Must he 21 or elder te entar. 


Dear Playboy | 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL DEARPBGOPLAYBOYCOM 


TALKING UP SEX 
Men shouldn't be encouraged to talk 
women into sex (How to Talk a Woman In- 
to Sex by Dean Kuipers, October). A real 
шап respects а woman's signals and does 
not ty to change her mind. 
Shannan Wanger 
Santa Cruz, California 


1 can't help wondering how long it has 
been since Dean Kuipers has been laid. 
S.K. Hutchison 
Nashville, Tennessee 
Gel real. Dean gets more action than David 
Hasselhoff 


BIG 12 SCORES 

I've been a devoted reader for more 
than 25 years and 1 must tell you that the 
Girls of the Big 12 pictorial (October) blew 


Jessica's rare bits: Go Big 12. 


me away—especially gorgeous Colorado 
gal Jessica Stiles. If ptavBoy doesn't fea- 
ture her in a pictorial, then something is 
wrong in the wor 
Christian LaSalle 
New Bedford, Massachusetts 


Your Girls of the Big 12 are gorgeous 
Га never dream of undermining Hef’s 
authority, but I suggest you abandon the 


Playmate format and publish college girl 
pictorials every month. 
David Сосо! 
Depew, New York 


ALIS A1 
Thank God for Al Michaels (Playboy 
Interview, October). I'm now on a 
name basis with my butcher, and I've. 
dered a case of A.1. sauce. 
Robert Hallden 
Atlanta, Georgia 


1 loved all the information on Mad- 
den, Cosell and Esiason. It was great 
stuff, but then 1 came to the part where 
Michaels complained about earning only 
$10,000 for two days’ work on a movie. 
And he threatened to strike. 

Sam Douglas 
Columbia, South Carolina 


A CLOTHES CALL 

The punitive action taken by Baylor 
University against students who posed 
clothed at an off-campus site fora photo 
that appeared in PLAYBOY's October issue 
is unfair and un-Christian. Baylor claims 
to have taken this action because "per- 
sonal misconduct either on or off cam- 
pus detracts from the Christian witness 
Baylor strives to present to the world." 
Baylor's action, taken on the eve of thc 
first anniversary of the World Trade Cen- 
ter attack by religious zealots, comes at a 
time when traditional American liber- 
ties are being challenged on all fronts as 
never before. It is not only hypocritical; 
it is un-American. 


Gerry Walsh 
Bethpage, New York 


FALLING FOR TERI 

1 stared at Teri Harrison's cover (Cov- 
er Girl, October) for what seemed like 
hours. I thought that it could get no bet- 
ter, but then I turned the page. Thank 
you so much. 


Derrell Bush 
New Brockton, Alabama 


go ROSWELL ROAD. BUNTE 103. SOUTH BALON AYCANTA GA 3035202 720 BOO: FOR SUD 


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1 can't wait to cast my vote for Teri as 
Playmate of the Year. The cover pho- 
to alone made me buy extra copies of 
the issue. God doesn't make women any 
more perfect than Miss October. 


David Purves 
New York, New York 


Higher, Teri: It’s the top shelf. 


AFTER THE HARVEST 
Steve Salerno’s article on harvesting 
organs (The Heart-Stopping Truth About Or- 
gan Donation, October) is enlightening. I 
have since destroyed the donation cer- 
tificate on the back of my California driv- 
ers license. American health care is no 
longer about compassion and healing. 
Its all about the money. 
Ed Heffelfinger 
Redding, California 


1 was disappointed when I read the 
organ donation article for which I was 
interviewed and quoted. My comments 
were accurately reported, but taken out 
of context. I'm skeptical about modern 
medicine's claims to have clearly identi- 
fied a point of death and have written 


death is legally recognized in every L 

state. No one has recovered from it, 
and those who fulfill its criteria are be- 
yond pain or harm. 175 unfortunate that 
PLAYBOY missed an opportunity to stimu- 
late a candid public discussion about the 


proper relationship between death and 
organ procurement. 
Dr. Stuart Youngner 


Susan E. Watson Professor of 


jocthics 
Case Western University 
Cleveland, Ohio 
Salerno says: I hate to take the doctor to 
tash, as he was helpful to me in the course of 
researching the article. Unfortunately, his let- 
ter typifies the fence-straddling of those in the 
transplantation movement. He admits that def- 
initions of death are arbitrary, yet he denies 
thal such arbitrariness can have disastrous те- 
sults, He was not quoted out of context. 


Salerno's article is a true horror story. 
1 was a dialysis patient for five years. 1 
wanted to believe the transplant system 
was fair, but I had my suspicions. I was 
placed on a waiting list, but for various 
medical reasons I was put on hold, After 
I witnessed a patient receiving a kidney 
right away after the hospital destroyed 
his native kidneys from the use of a dye 
during a medical procedure, I finally 
relented and allowed my son to donate 
his kidney—and we're both doing great. 
The thought of receiving a kidney from 
a vicum whose declared death is ques- 
tionable is something that I wouldn't be 
able to live with. 


Cindy Foulk 


Staunton, Illinois 


The answer to the question “Is this. 
body ready for harvest?" will never be 
answered to the 100 percent satisfaction 
of all involved. But look at the positive 
side of how many lives are saved. Unfor- 
tunately, your article will adversely affect 
organ donation by those who believe 
everything they read. Thousands died 
last year waiting for a transplant. Please 
encourage your readers to be donors. 
I'm a lung transplant recipient. Thank 
God someone had the courage and love 
to become a donor. 

James Russo 
Los Angeles, California 

Salerno adds: My purpose in writing the 
piece was not to malign the transplantation 
industry nor to offend the thousands whose 
lives depend on it. Under current guidelines 
“accidents may happen” in a small percent- 
age of cases in which prospective donors who 
aren't dead end up giving their lives so that 
others may be saved. Even if this occurs once 
in every 1000 transplants, it’s а fact the pub- 
lic deserves to know, 


In 1998 my 26-year-old son, Mark, 
suffered a severe closed head injury. He 
was a motocross racer. He was airlifted 
to Methodist Medical Center in Dallas. 
When we arrived at the hospital, the 
doctor told us Mark's brain was injured 
and that he was not expected to live. The 
doctor suggested we remove him from 
life support. We have a strong faith in 
God, so we said no. We learned over the 
next four weeks while Mark was in a co- 


ma on life support that this was a stan- 
dard speech given by this doctor to all 
brain-injured patients’ loved ones. We 
were approached by the organ donation 
team. We rejected them. Our fam 
feels that this was a lifesaving de 
for Mark. People from various depart- 
ments approached us on a daily basis 
‘Are you sure you want to leave 
Mark like t " or "Would Mark want 
to remain in this condition the rest of his 
life?" We never heard one positive com- 
ment regarding his recovery. We saw 
six people—all under the age of 45—die 
during those long weeks in the hospital. 
I believe that most of them were harvest- 
ed. A month after Mark's injury, his wife 
entered his room and his eyes tracked 
her as she walked to his side. When she 
leaned over to kiss him, he kissed her 
back. Pretty good for a vegetable. Mark 
has since struggled to get his life back. 
We took him to a hospital closer to home 
and within two weeks he was walking. 
He still has some problems with balance 
and memory, but after a year in rehab, 
he went to college and received a degree 
in drafting. We also took him back to 
Dallas, and the doctor had no medical 
reason to explain Mark's recovery. His 
surgeon called it a miracle—and it was. 
Shelia Terry 
Lubbock, Texas 


Orgon brouhcha. 


I am the father of Nicholas Green, a 
seven-year-old boy who was declared 
brain dead after being shot in a botched 
robbery in Italy in 1994 and whose or- 
gans my wife, Maggie, and I donated to 
seven It , four of them teenagers. 
Without transplants, two of the seven 
would now be blind and most, if not all, 
of the others would be dead. In the last 
eight years, hoping to help reduce this 
appalling waste of life, we have traveled 
the world, speaking about organ dona- 
tion. In all that time, I have never once 
caughta hint that doctors do less for po- 
tential donors than for other patients. 

Reg Green 
Bodega Bay, 


Make your night out a memorable one - please drink in moderation. 
JACK DANIEL'S and OLD NO." arc registered trademarks of Jack Daniels. ©1021. Please yisit us at wwwjackdaniels.com. 


~ ti — 


after 


ho 


urs 


A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


CAMEL NO. 5 

Alter years of trying, French per- 
fumers have re-created Kyphi, the fra- 
grance of the pharaohs. Kyphi was hailed 
as an aphrodisiac by Egyptians, who wore 
it in their hair and nether regions to fire 
up their sex lives. Modern chemists mixed 
the blend from 50 ingredients, including 
incense, juniper, mint, cinnamon, myrrh 
and pistachios. However, it won't be pro- 
duced commercially because it is consid 
ered too pungent. Also, a key ingredient 
is cannabis, making it illegal to manufac- 
ture—despite how difficult it is to keep 
perfume lit. 


VIRGIN DEFLOWERED 


In another setback for family values, 
Virgin Adantic Airways has announced 
that it has had to make repairs to several 
of its new Airbus A340-600 airliners that 
have private mother-and-baby rooms 
with diaper-changing tables. Apparently, 
some Virgin passengers have snuck into 
the small chambers and demolished the 


TOTABLE 


NOTABLE 


A fortune-teller told Andre de Dienes there w 
him to photograph her. Soon after de Dienes 
agent told him about a model who had just started in the 
do nudes. Her name was Norma Jeane Baker. De Dienes writes, 
bungalow later in the aft 

ind it had. Andre de Die 
photographs of the woman \ 
the fabulous Ms. Monroe. It's everything a Kennedy could hope fo 


ma Jeane arrived at m 
had happened to me.” 
ish, oversize collection of hi 


tables by fucking on them. We suspect 
the problem was compounded by occa- 
sional bouts of sudden turbulence. 


GET YOUR DASYPYGAL MUG 
OFF MY FEATHER SPITTER 


Any guy who's worth his margarita salt 
is a student of slang—particularly when 


girl in Hollywood waiting for 
t up shop in Los Angeles, an 
fession who might 

“When Nor- 
s as if a miracle 
laschen) is a lay- 
ho would become 
and more 


it comes to sex. We're not beyond going 
on the web to pick up new phrases, ei- 
ther. We've compiled a best-of list that 
was pulled from online lexicons, notably 
Roger's Profanisaurus. 

Babia majora: Contemporary meaning 
for a quantity of fine women. Was used 
in Wayne's World in the singular sense: 
"In Latin, she'd be a babia majora. И she 


19 


PLAYBOY 


were president, she would be Babera- 
ham Lincoln.” 

Beaver cleaver: Pe 

Beef curtains: Lab 


Bobbing for apples: Administering cun-| 


nilingus while your girlfriend is upside 


edin the po: 
мен A pseudo-bookish term 
for fingering. 

Dasypygal: Another technical term, 
meaning hairy-assed. 

E. coli pie: А vim job. 

Feather spitter: А screamer—a woman 
who bites into the pillow. 

Friendasaurus: The ugly friend of a hot 
chick 

Grits: Acronym for Girls Raised in 
the South. 

Greyhound: English for a short skirt. As 
in, “one inch from the hare.” 

Irrumale: Penis in mouth. 

Mumblers: Camel toe—the crotch of 
obscenely tight pants. The lips move but 
you can't understand a word. 

Offshore drilling: Adultery; cheating; 
nailing some strange. 

Philematology: The science of kissing. 

Play the rusty trombone: A twisted male 
fantasy in which a woman (we hope) prac- 
tices anilingus and gives а hand job at the 
same tin 

Punching the clown: To masturbate, 
a. wack-a-mole. 

Pygobombe: A woman with large, sexy 
buttocks. 

Sixty-eight; One-sided oral зех—“ГИ 
owe you one.” 

The 69th Street Bridge: A woman who is 
being eaten out by one guy while arch- 
ing her back and giving head to another 
guy at the same time. 

Thunderbird: A big woman. 

Triple crown: A woman with a guy in 
each of her three openings, referred to 
in the porn indus- 
try as ht. 
Valican roulette: 
The rhythm 


contraception. 
Risky business. 


ion for aN 


method of 


„АММА NICOLE VS. OZZY: REALITY BITES 


| ж 
mmm WS 


Profanity- 
laced vocabulary 


Cropping in house 


Роѕѕе тетЬег һо Ghost of Ozzy's dead gui- 
creeps us out tarist, Randy Rhoads 


M J 
4 ANNA NICOLE CATEGORY 


| 


stop 
Personal assistant Kim 


Misunderstood 
past event 


Marriage to J. Howard 


Marshall Il Biting off bot’s head 


“Do your homework.” Parental advice “Wear condoms.” 


Lifting food to mouth Workout routine Shuffling around 


Best unintended result 
of show 


Careers for Osbourne 
children 


Stock in Red Bull soared 


Liza Minnelli and David 
| Gest have their own reality 
| show. 


Worst unintended 
result of show 


Her stepson is in the 
news again. 


Lib Decorative tastes | 
ee similar to that of | 


BODY LANGUAGES 


Tattoo artist Ronald White, arrested 
for practicing his craft in South Carolina 
(the only state other than Oklahoma to 
prohibit tattooing), is getting legal help 
from an unexpected source: former in- 
dependent counsel and Clinton nemesis 


Aleister Crowley 


Never leaves 
home without 


Kenneth Starr, who says that epidermal 
etchings should be allowed and defend- 
ed as an art form. So should blow jobs, 
Kenneth, but never mind—what's past 
is past. 


GETTING THE MESSAGE 


We print this item only because we 
КЕЕР ТНАТ НЕІМІЕ Know the typical млуноу reader will oth- 
SHINY erwise never hear about the Rejection 

Hotline, a phone number that’s provid- 

ed to subscribers, usually female, to give 
to strangers. The unfortunate guy who 
scores these digits at a bar or party and 
then has the fortitude to call is reward- 
ed with this recorded blow-off message: 
son who gave you this num- 
ber,” says a stern male voice, “obviously 
did not want you to have their real num- 
ber. Maybe you're just not this person's 
type—short, fat, ugly, dumb, annoying, 
arrogant or just a general loser.” After 
some more harshness, it concludes, 
cept the fact that you're rejected. Get 
over it. And please do your best to for- 
get about the person who gave you this 


STAR TREK" 1-3 ARE 
SPECIAL 2-DISC EDITIONS 
WITH NEW BONUS FEATURES 


ALL 9 FEATURE FILMS DIGITALLY REMASTERED 
NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD. 


wwwparamount.com/homevideo 
- Ап, dates, availabilty and bonus features subject to change without notice. STAR TREK" and related marks are 
VIDEO trademarks of Paramount Pictures. Ай Rights Reserved, ТМ & Copyright® 2002 by Paramount Piclues. All Fighis Reserved 


R 


tian Snares, is on the verge of a break- 
through for electronic funk. Together 
with his girlfriend, Rachael Kozak (who 
performs under the alias Hecate), he is 
at work on an album created exclusively 
from samples recorded during sex. "Peo- 
ple I've played it for don't believe it,” 
says Funk. “They're like, "No, no, no— 
you sampled high hats there, I know it. 
105 essentially alchemy, shaping sex into 
a new form.” The couple recorded di- 
rectly to minidisc during a European 
tour and captured the sounds of anal 
and oral sex, bondage, caning, spanking 
and microphone insertion. Funk says, 
“It’s weird to deconstruct the sounds of 
sex. It makes you conscious of a lot of 
stuff you'd normally ignore. I remember 
thinking, Shit, like, oh, that slap will 
make a good snare drum. Or, Wow, that 
was a freakish set of grunts and moans— 
I want to make that into a choir later." So 
far the duo has completed a few songs 
including Hymen Tramp Choir, Perus and 
Blood on the Rope—that play with the gen- 
res of breakbeat, ambient and dub. A 
full-length CD, Nymphomatriarch, will be 
released this spring on Hymen Records. 
“I like to listen to sex when I'm having 
sex,” Funk says. Soon you can hear his 
sex, 100. 


FOUR RMS, CROTCH VU 


We soy Tudor, he soys haoter. Armando Muñoz Garcia goes to sleep with his 
head at the breast of his true passion every night. Garcia is a sculptor who has 
spent the past 12 years building a house in the form of a nude waman. Situ- 
ated in the Mexican town of Rosarita, the three-story house is a hot property. 
There's a bedroom behind the breasts, a living room (with hot tub) af the bel- 
ly and a bathroom in the rear. Garcia is still warking an the top of the house— 
which means no one knaws what's going on inside her head 


TEN WHITE BOYS WHO 
CAN’T DANCE 


number, because trust us, they have al- 
ready forgotten about you.” The voice 
and concept belong to Emory University 
grad student Jeff Goldblatt. He offers the 
service in 14 U.S. cities and Dublin. Each 
city averages some 50,000 calls a month, 


clasping your date's bra: eight calories if 
you use both hands, 18 calories for just 
опе hand, and 87 calories if you use your 
mouth. While his bra stats smell fishy, it’s 
enough to convince us to switch to the Ital- 
ian Dinner Date Weight-Loss Program. 


Bruce Springsteen 

Bono 

Moby 

John Mellencamp 

‘Ozzy Osbourne 
Al Gore 


and the numbers 
in Boston and 
Charlotte—cities 
loaded, appar- 
ently, with either 
inept guys or in- 
accessible wom- 
en—have some- 
times crashed 
from overload 
What ever hap- 
pened to the 
straightforward 
“My number? 
Its 1-800-FUCK 
OFF, creep"? 


Kevin Bacon 
Michael Stipe 
Eminem 
P Diddy 


THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS 


Aaron Funk, who has recorded sever- 
al CDs on the Planet Mu label as Vene- 


"There is 
a beaufi- 
ful thing 


CHAMPAGNE SHOOTERS 


M 
N look like a 
waman, 

nata 


green 


Normolly, we don't think about packag- 
ing when it comes to wines and spirits, 
but the clever marketers at Möet et 
Chandon have hit on something that 
makes sense: four-packs of minibottles 
(187 ml each) of their White Star cham- 
pagne. Think of them as single-serving 
juice boxes for grownups. You can pop 
the cork, drop in a straw and sip your 
way to the good life. It’s the preferred 
method of ingesting bubbly among slinky 
models at runway shows. (Or so we've 
been told. Whenever we've been fortu- 
nate enough to slip backstage, we've had 
our eyes on other things that tickle our 
nose.) The four-pack also comes with an 
extended lip device that slips into the 
neck of the bottle, creoting a flute for 
those who wouldn't think of using straws. 
All this is designed to make your impulse 
for a glass of champagne easier to satis- 
fy. We're all over anything thot makes 
impulses easier to satisfy. 


MORE WINE, MY DEAR? 


What do pussy and celery stalk have in 
common—other than the obvious kinky 
possibilities? Answer: You expend more 
calories than you absorb by eating either 
one, according to Bruno Fabbri, an Ital- 
ian die n. Fabbri has studied the ex- 
ercise value of sexual activities and has 
determined that 15 minutes of oral sex 
burns up the caloric equivalent of a swal- 
low of wine. Follow that with 26 minutes 
of vigorous fucking and you've canceled 
out half a pizza. (Italian pizzas must be 
awfully small.) Fabbri paid particular at 

22 tention to the energy consumed by un- 


E Т) 
MOET & CHANDOS сн Акрон | 
| 


qx. E 


М" | 
E " 
4 PlayStations 


is W 
going to be worse than you 

gure to watch your packs, 
3 ыы 1. 2. 


Dean: 
ighis 


= AS 


ышы 


ета 
A an 


24 


SIGNIFICA, 


QUOTE 

“The people who 
look at Eminem 
and think what a 
cool, tough guy he 
is should remem- 
ber that he lived at 
home with his mom 
until he was 26." 
EMINEM'S MOTHER. 
DEBBIE NATHERS 


BAD STOCK 

The total value of 
stock cashed in— 
prior to the recent 
market collapse— 
by officers and di- 
rectors of the 1035 
companies whose 
stock prices subse- 
quently declined 
the most: $66 bil- 
lion. Value of stock 
cashed іп by offi- 
cers and directors 
ofAOL Time War- 
ner: $1.8 billion. 
By officers and di- 
rectors of Enron: 
$994 million. Of 
Charles Schwab: 
$951 million. 


Michigan. 


SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY 

Value of Iraqi oilfield-rebuilding 
contracts awarded by Saddam Hu 
sein to Halliburton in the Ninetie 
when the firm was run by chief exec- 
utive Dick Cheney: $24 million. 


ROLL PLAYING 

According to an Indiana University 
survey of heterosexual condom use: 
percentage who putcondoms on only 
after beginning intercourse: 43. Per- 
centage who remove them before the 
finale: 13. Percentage who accidental- 
ly put the condom on inside out and 
have to reverse it: 30. 


SOMETHING ABOUT BRUCE 
Number of men and boys in Queens- 
land, Australia who have gone to the 
hospital during the past four years 
for injuries to the penis caused by zip- 


pers: 13. 


ATTACHED AT THE CHIP 
Percentage of current college stu- 
dents who had begun using comput- 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
The first Rose Bowl football 
game was played January 1, 
1902 between Stanford and 
'The Wolverines" 
lopsided 49-0 victory caused 
organizers of the Tournament 
of Roses to replace football when a man, his 
with chariot races, polo and os- | 
trich races as the main sport- | 
ing events until 1916, when 
they brought back football 


INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


ers by the age of. 
eight: 20. Percent- 
age of college stu- 
dents who own a 
computer now: 85. 
Percentage who 
have multiple 
e-mail address- 
es: 66. Per- 
centage who 
use e-mail to 
report or ех- 
plain absence 
from class: 65. 


LAUGH RIOT 

The number 
of files on Mad 
magazine compiled 
by the FBI between 
1957 and 1971: 36. 


ALL ABOARD 
Number of pas- 
sengers in a Long 
Island Railroad car 


wife and his broth- 
er had a three 
25. Number who 


‘STEALING HOME 
According to a survey of 8000 U.S. 
teens, percentage who first had sexu- 
al intercourse at a motel or hotel: 3. 
Percentage whose first time was out- 
side: 3. Percentage whose first experi- 


whose first experience was in their 
own family's or their partner's fami- 
ly's home: 56. 


BLOW BACK 

Amount of reimbursement for legal 
fees sought under the terms of the in- 
dependent counsel law by Bill and 
Hillary Clinton: $3.5 million. Amount 
sought by Monica Lewinsky: $1.3 mil- 
lion. Amount that was awarded to Ron- 
ald Reagan following the Iran-contra 
investigation: $562,000. Amount that 
was awarded to George H.W. Bush: 
$272,000. 


CALL WEIGHTING 
Amount Gwyneth Paltrow paid for 
a Nokia Vertu cell phone made of 
precious metals and a crystal-encrust- 
ed face: 593,000. —ROBERT S. WIEDER 


STEVE-OH 


Steve-O, a.k.a. Stephen Glover, has 
leaped from an airplane without a para- 
chute. He has swallowed a goldfish and 
regurgitated it. He has pierced his ass 
cheeks and linked them together. All 
these stunts were part of his job as John- 
ny Knoxville's go-to gross-out-guy on 
MTV's Jackass, a role he reprised for the 
recent Jackass: The Movie. Glover now 
hawks his new DVD, Don't This at 
Home. "1 have this super hang-up with 
trying to have some sort of historical sig- 
nificance,” says Steve-O. "I'm all about 
getting footage.” This may explain why 
he has been seen repeatedly stapling his 
testicles to his legs in public, the high- 
light of the DVD and an act that finally 


A 
WHY GIRLS SAY YES— 
REASON #4 


Because | knew he could ad- 
vance my career: “And | wanted 
to have control over an older man. 
He's 17 years my senior, but | al- 
ways knew I could have him. | flirt- 
ed with him for two years and start- 
ed teosing him in e-mails. Then I 
got bored with the tease and want- 
ed the satisfaction of seducing 
such a powerful guy. He didn't dis- 
appoint, and came back for more. 
Afterward, | loved knowing that I'd 
fucked someone so high up ond 
that no one else knew. My boss was 
surprised at the strings | could pull 
after that, not knowing I'd actually 
pulled much more than strings.” 
--А.С., Hoboken, N.J. 


DISTINCTIVE SINCE 1953 


DISTINGTIVE SINCE 


b Sikes). - MR A 


www tanqueray.com 


I'm nuts about you.” 

Disa Eythorsdótlir: American bridge 
player, the first professional to be 
stripped ofa medal for refusing to 
ke the mandatory drug test that 
the World Bridge Federation 
=| adopted in January 2000 in or- 

| der to have bridge considered 
as an Olympic sport. 

Skyboxes: The unofficial name 
given to the $100,000 deluxe 
crypts in Los Angeles’ new $200 
million, high-glam Cathedral of 
Our Lady of the Angels, a.k.a 
the Taj (Cardinal) Mahony. 

Trail mix: A combo drug mak 
ing the rave and club rounds in 
the Vancouver area. It includes 
meth, ecstacy, ketamine, Viagra 
and sometimes heroin, and is at 
least two drugs more than seems 
prudent and three more than you 
2 can count to after taking it. 
lazzradio.nel: With the future of web 
DISTURBING TREND Te in doubt here in thc U.S., check 
While we're all for mixing it up and out this award-winning Berlin jazz sta- 
О tion. You can even watch the beautiful 
A | Leslie Nachmann, gold medalist at the 
ПП 2002 International Radio Programming 
ferring to Skate Trixxx from Video Awards, on the studio-cam. She'll get 
Team, which brings skateboarders your horn blowing. 
and porn stars together. We notice Wine Press: Harcourt is threatening to 
that Skate Trixxx 2 is already out, so become a major publisher of wine books 
before there's a third, let us strong- 


with Oz Clarke's Pocket Wine Guide 2003, 
Oz Clarke's New Wine Atlas and a superb 
collection of tasting notes, Michael Broad- 


“It's deli- 
cious— 
you just 

feel so 
alive 
when 
you're re- 
ally act- 
ing that 
it's some- 
thing 

like an 
orgasm.” 

—Angela 

Bassett 


bent's Vintage Wine. 


ATTACK OF 
THE KILLER 
ZIPPERS 


In the sticky tra- 


Scenarios comes Sex 
Disasters (Greenery) 
by Charles Moser 
and Janet Hardy. A 
blend of medicine, 
etiquette and eth- 
ics, the advice cov- 
the following cri- 
ses: “Г can't get this 
cock ring off!” “She 
was the best-look- 
ing woman at the 


nightclub—until 1 got her home, then it 
turned out she wasn't a woman at all!” 


“My asshole is bleedi: 
“Hey, where 


worried? 


Should | be 


that condom 


go?" And. finally, “See that door? It's 
locked from the inside—and my sweetie 
is in bondage on the other side!” Of 
course, the answer to that one is easy— 
just ask the ex-bouncer she's fucking to 


open it for you. 


ly urge everyone involved ta keep BABE OF THE MONTH 


the twa disciplines separate. OK? 


got him arrested on obscenity charges. 
(Yes, the staple holes sometimes end up 
infected.) “I turned down a alous 
stunt as part of the finale of Jackass: The 
Movie,” says Steve-O, proving that he 
does draw the line somewhere, “because 
my father would disown me. Let's just 
involved putting a finger in a man's 
He's obviously more discerning 
when it comes to lust objects. “I saw Jen- 
nifer Love Hewitt at the MTV Video 
Music Awards and I was stoked on her,” 
he says. "And I think I'd get along with 
Alyssa Milano. I'm nota slut—I'm a peo- 
ple person. And I'm a hard worker. I try 
to learn from each experience, I'm also 
easy to please. I've got a small wiener 
and 1 come superfast.” 


THE TIP SHEET 


Breast Christmas Ever: An annual year- 
end stunt run by Atlanta radio stat 
WKLS. The hosts of The Regular 
morning show reward a lucky girl with a 
new pair of breasts. Put those two front 
teeth on hold, Santa. 

Strange bedfellows: The brainchild of 
New York shrink Frederick Levenson, 
Theradate is a new matchmaking service 
for people undergoing psychotherapy. 
Two months in, Levenson had yet to re- 
cruit any members—meaning, alas, that 

26 no one had the chance to say, Honey, 


Shown larger 
than actual size 
(Scale 1:24; 8'4” in length). 


The meanest die-cast model ever produced. 


It was America's “dream machine”. 
the '57 Chevy Bel Air* Dazzling to look 
at and loaded with power, it was the 
car to own and be seen in. № should come as no 
surprise that “Pro Street” customizers took one 
look at this legendary car and went to work to 
make the ‘57 Chevy a top-performing drag racer. 
Now, you can acquire a remarkably detailed, 
1:24 scale die-cast metal model of the meanest 
Chevy ever to race down the drag strip. 
Presenting...the 1957 Chevy Pro Street Hardtop. 
Crafted from over 240 parts, this stunning model 
is loaded with countless Pro Street modifications. 
One look at the wheelie bars and the doth-wrapped 
"drag chute" on the rear, and it's obvious this is 
no typical ‘57 Chevy. 


The Danbury Nant 
47 Richards Avenue 
Norwalk, CT 06857 


1957 Chevy” Pro Street Hardtop 


Awealth of fascinating operating features. 
The mammoth hood scoop can be rernoved and 
the hood lifts to view the supercharged big block 
V-8 complete with nitrous oxide lines leading to a 
special tank behind the drivers seat. Both doors 
open to view the customized racing interior with 
its six-point roll cage. Even the special racing pedals, 
custom designed seats and the parachute release 
handle have been painstakingly reproduced, 

This replica is priced at $115, payable in four 
monthly installments of $28.75 (plus a total of $780 
shipping and handling). Satisfaction is guaranteed. 
Return the Reservation Application today! 


Address — 


Yes! Reserve my 1957 Chevy" Pro Street Hardtop as described in this announce- 
ment. If not completely satisfied with my replica, | may return it within 30 days for 
replacement or refund, cw 


signature = 


‘Allow о B weeks alter sal payment for shipment 


At the rear, you'll see the 


Zip 


parachute bag and wheelie bar. 


The custom racing interior is 
meticulously detailed. 


238HF183 


(оміев 


PREVIEWS 


Daredevil: The popular Marvel Comics 
hero gets the big-screen treatment from 
Ben Affleck (in a role for which Matt Da- 
mon, Edward Norton and Mark Wahl- 
berg were also considered). So what's a 
ripped, physically challenged (he's blind) 
overachiever to do? Become an attorney 
by day and martial arts-savvy, tights- 
wearing vigilante by night. There are 
truckloads of special effects, plus Colin 
Farrell as the deadly assassin Bullseye 
and Jennifer Garner sexing things up as 
Elektra, the Greek tycoon's daughter out 
to snuff Daredevil. All signs point to this 
being the month's big fun movie. 

Shanghai Knights: Jackie Chan's manic 
charm and Owen Wilson's loopy, stoner 
rhythms played so well off each other in 
the action romp Western Shanghai Noon 
that the actors have been reteamed. This 
time they're off to Victorian London to 
avenge Chan's father’s death but instead 
get tangled in a conspiracy—involving 
such legends as Jack the Ripper and Sher- 
lock Holmes—to kill the royal family. 
The revved-up action could put Shanghai 
Noon in the shade. 

Duplex: This dark comedy stars Ben 
Stiller and Drew Barrymore as a couple 
so fed up with Manhattan's cutthroat 
competition for real estate that they're 
driven to kill the cute little old lady who 
lives in their dream home. It's directed 
by Danny DeVito, who showed he knows 
something about snuffing little old ladies 
in Throw Momma From the Train. 

Dark Blue: Mad-dog novelist James Ell- 
roy has moved from the old-time police 
corruption of LA Confidential to latter- 


day police abuse. The original script for 
this thriller is set in Los Angeles' racially 
charged atmosphere of 1992, just before 
four white officers were acquitted in the 
ing of Rodney King. Heading the 
Kurt Russell (as a police detective 
battling scary inner demons), with Ving 
Rhames, Michael Michele and Brendan 
Gleeson as fellow officers. 

Basic: After the mind-numbing Roller- 
ball, rumors have director John McTier- 
nan returning to something closer to 
Die Hard with this military thriller. John 
‘Travolta and Connie Nielsen play DEA 
agents who investigate the disappear 
ance of a legendary Army sergeant and 
his cadets in Panama. The buzz is that 
the movie crackles with humor and 
that Travolta gets back to his mean, 
lean, stripped-down self. Count on co- 
stars Samuel L. Jackson, Andy Garcia, 
Giovanni Ribisi and Taye Diggs to en- 
liven things considerably. 

Eddie Griffin: Dis-Funk-Tional Family: 
Six studios reportedly bid against one 
another to release this movie, which 
combines concert footage of the whip- 
py, foul-mouthed comic with Osbournes- 
style documentary bits on Griffin's fami- 
ly members, such as former pimp Unde 
Buckey and amateur-porn filmmaker Un- 
cle Curtis. —STEPHEN REBELLO 


REVIEWS 


BY LEONARD MALTIN 


Pedro Almodóvar made his reputation 
with outrageous sexual comedies such as 
Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown 
and Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! He made a 
giant leap forward with his last film, the 


7 Daredevil's Garner. “2 
і 


intensely moving All About My Mother. 
Now he combines his audacious sense of 
humor with his mature approach to hu- 
man drama in another superb movie, 
Tolk to Her. Its leading man is a nerdy type 
who cares for a young woman іп a coma. 
Suffice it to say that nothing is predict- 
able in this inventive film, least of all a 
faux silent movie with some of the most 
astonishing imagery of the female body 
ever put on film. 

At first, The Emperor’s Club is uncom- 
fortably reminiscent of Dead Poets Soci 


AN AVALANCHE OF ENTERTAINMENT 


December brings professional moviegoers a sense of 
dread. That's because the studios try to shoehorn so many 
films into the last week of the month to qualify for critics’ 
10-best lists and Os- 
car nominations. De- 
buting at the end of 
December are Ro- 
berto Benigni's Pi- 
nocchio, the all-star 
musical Chicago, Mar- 
tin Scorsese's long- 


Grant and sabe on Notice. 


awaited Gongs of New 
York, George Cloo- 
ney's Confessions of 
a Dangerous Mind, 
a new version of 
Charles Dickens' 


Nicholas Nickleby, A 

Few Good Years 
Michael and Kirk 
Douglas, The Hours with Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and 
Julianne Moore, Steven Spielberg's Catch Me if You Can with 
fom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio, and Spike Lee's The 


25th Hour with Edward Norton. (This follows a normal quo- 

ta of releases including the romantic comedies Tivo Weeks" 

Notice and Maid in Manhattan.) 
The ostensible rea- 

son for this glut is that 

so many people go to 2 

the movies between La 

Christmas and New n a! е 

Year's Day. But the u ES 

real reason is awards. 4 

Too often, good films 

released earlier in the 

year are forgotten by 

December 31 the 

distributors insist on 

year-end exposure. 

Tired of all this con- 

trivance, the Acade- 

my of Motion Picture 

Arts and Sciences has 

announced its intention to move the Oscar ceremony to 

February in 2004, hoping to shorten the campaign season 

and undercut some of the huckstering. —LM 


Š Fiengss Boule. 


PICK UP 
A SURE THING. 


HISSIBUHHGUN | за А estao 
IDE 

в 2 

{| 


= 


Great DVDs Under 515" 


ALSO AVAILABLE ON VHS. = 


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30 


but the similarity 
is misleading. At a tradition-bound East 
Coast prep school, Kevin Kline portrays 
an admired classics professor who uses 
psychology to inspire a troubled new 
student. But things don't turn out as he 
thinks they will, for the story takes a se- 
ries of subtle and surprising twists 

Lost in La Mancha should be required 
viewing for all aspiring filmmakers, as 
it chronicles the making—and unmak- 
ing—of Terry Gilliam’s dream project, a 
variation on Don Quixote starring John- 
ny Depp and Jean Rochefort. Directors 
Keith Fulton and Louis Pepe capture ev- 
ery wrenching minute of the debacle as a 
would-be film production falls to pieces. 

If you thought Being John Malkovich 
was out there, it was just a warm-up for 
the weirdness of Adaptation, the new film 
from writer Charlie Kaufman and direc- 
tor Spike Jonze. Nicolas Cage plays Kauf- 
man and his twin brother, Donald, in 


SCENE STEALER 


A graceful Talk to Her. 


this manic exploration 
of the creative process, 


% as the screenwriter ag- 


О onizes over the film 
` adaptation of a book 
/ about a man who 
e f rare orchids. He's so 
4 paralyzed by the as- 
signment he cant 
bring himself to meet 
| the author (Meryl 
l | Streep) or her color- 
1 ful subject (Chris Coo- 
\ per), both of whom 
are going through 


their own painful 
transitions. Devilishly clever 
but off-putting at the same time, Adapta- 
tion is a film that will please some view- 
ers and annoy others. It definitely scores 
points for originality 
About Schmidt affords us the opportuni- 
ty to watch a master at work, His name is 
Jack Nicholson, and in Alexander Payne's 
new film he plays a man who retires 
from his job with an Omaha insurance 
company at the age of 66. It is then that 
he begins to grasp the emptiness of his 
life. So he takes to the road in search of 
happiness, which he’s not likely to find at 
his daughter's wedding, since she's mar- 
rying a guy he can't stand. About Schmidt, 
which Payne and Jim Taylor adapted 
from Louis Begley's novel, unfolds slow- 
ly—perhaps too slowly at times—but 
paints a droll picture of Midwesterners 
who, let's just say, aren't terribly deep. It 
all leads up to a heartrending finale in- 
volving the man who may well be Amer- 
ica's finest actor. 


ELIZABETH BERKLEY. FIRST NOTICED: In the long-running 
TV series Saved by the Bell. MOST RECENTLY SEEN; With pal Jen- 
nifer Beals ina plum role opposite Campbell Scott in Roger 
Dodger. WHAT WAS THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE YOU FACED AFTER 

THE NOTORIETY OF SHOWGIRLS? "There were about three 
years that were really tough. I had to enlighten people as 

to who 1 really was, and that I wasn't like the character in 

the movie. I had to do some cleanup work that was no 

fault of my own." CAN YOU DESCRIBE HOW YOU FELT WHEN 
WOODY ALLEN CAST YOU IN HIS MOVIE THE CURSE OF THE JADE 
SCORPION? "I was downtown in New York outside an art 
gallery, and my cell phone went off. I cried as if it were the 2) 
first movie I was ever offeréd. It's the ultimate stamp of val- |) 
idation, and I so needed it.” YOU'VE WORKED ON THE LONDON 
STAGE FOR SIR PETER HALL IN LENNY. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER 
DREAM JOBS? "I'm looking forward to being in Chicago, b 
cause I really would have been a Fosse girl if he were still 
around. That's the kind of dancing I love to do.” Do vou 


HAVE ANY ROLE MODELS? “ 


admire Michelle Pfeiffer, who has 


never compromised her integrity. She started off in Grease 2 


and no one took her seriously. She is kind of a character ac- 1 
tress in a leading woman's body.” EVER CARE TO GO TO ONE OF ium | 
THOSE SHOWINGS OF SHOWGIRLS WHERE VIEWERS RECITE THE DI- 
ALOGUE DURING THE FILM? “One day, because 1 have a sense 


of humor about it now.” 


== 
—LM. W 


SCORE CARD 
capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


About Schmidt Jack Nicholson adds yet 
another masterful portrayal to his gal- 
lery, as a Midwestern insurance sales- 
man who retires in his 60s and dis- 
covers that his life is empty vw 
Adaptation Nicolas Cage plays screen- 
writer Charlie Kaufman (Being John 
Malkovich), who agonizes over his new 
movie assignment—adapting Meryl 
Streep's novel for the screen—while 
his twin brother pursues a commer- 
cial screenplay with no trouble at all. 
Weird just for the sake of being weird, 
but fascinating, too. yvy 
The Emperor's Club Kevin Kline as an 
inspiring professor at a traditional 
prep school turns one troubled boy 
around—or does he? There is more 
than meets the eye in this interesting 
morality tale. УУУ 
The Quiet American Michael Caine gives 
another solid performance as a Times 
of London writer in Vietnam during 
the Fifties in this low-key adaptation 
of Graham Greene’s novel. Brendan 
Fraser co-stars as an American who 
shakes up Caine's comfortable exis- 
tence—and beliefs. Wh 
Rabbit-Proof Fence Australian director 
Phillip Noyce returns to his roots for 
this extraordinary true story of three 
aboriginal girls who escape from a 
work camp and travel 1500 miles to 
return to their mother. yyy 
Red Dragon Anthony Hopkins is back 
as Hannibal Lecter, and he isn't the 
only familiar thing about this film—a 
slick but pointless remake of 1986's 
Manhunter, with a better cast than it 
deserves. a 
The Ring Naomi Watts stars in this 
shaggy-dog tale of a videotape that 
causes its viewers to die. Based on a 
Japanese hit, this lumpy film might 
cause smart viewers to walk out. Y/2 
Standing in the Shadows of Motown The 
unheralded backup musicians on all 
the great Motown hits finally get their 
due recognition in this entertaining 
documentary. The songs are as irre- 
sistible as ever yyy 
Sweet Home Alabama Reese Wither- 
spoon flexes her new movie star mus- 
cles in this lazy, formula-bound ro- 
mantic comedy. She's so appealing 
she almost keeps it afloat YY 
Talk to Her Pedro Almodóvar manages 
to top himself with this audaciously 
original yet moving story ofa nerdy 
man who takes care of a beautiful 
young woman in a coma—and forges 
a bond witha man whose lover shares 
the same fate. УУУУ 


УУУУ Don't miss 
¥¥¥ Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


У ag gom ` : 


GES 


TURBO CHARGED 
PORSCHE” 
SHAÁAOLJEASE 


On sale at newsstands near you. Subscribe by calling (888) 354-6326 


OUEST SHOT 


Bill Paxton, a veteran of nearly 60 feature 
films, added the title of director to his ré- 
sumé with the release of 200175 thriller 
Frailty. A film enthusiast who only recently 
made the switch to DVD, Paxton describes 
his latest viewing picks: “1 enjoyed Fight 


Club and Three Kings, the 
directors’ commentary 


tracks and behind- 
the-scenes stuff. | 
also just watched 
The Entertainer, with 
Laurence Olivier, and 
What Ever Happened 
to Baby Jane?, which 
has the kind of gothic 
tone that | was trying to cap- 
ture in Frailty, I'm glad | 
watched Trees Lounge, 
a great bar movie, and 
Super Troopers.” 
—LAURENCE LERMAN 


A BATCH OF BACHELOR PARTIES 


In A Guy Thing—out this month—Ja- 
son Lee, engaged to straight-laced Sel- 
ma Bla up in bed the morning 
of his wedding with (gulp!) naked Ju 
Stiles. Those damned bachelor parti 
Nothing good ever happens—too much 
booze, random nudity, lap dances, wan- 
ton intercourse. 

Bachelor Party (1984): Here's all you need 
to know: The sex-show donkey snorts all 
the blow. And this: Tom "Mr. Two Os- 
cars” Hanks stars. 

Very Bad Things (1998): What happens to 
the bachelor party hooker is depressing, 
but what happens to the Vegas hotel se 
curity guard—now that's horrifying. Care- 
ful with that corkscrew. 

Live Nude Girls (1995): Did the title get 
your attention? Cynthia Stevenson, Oliv- 
ia d’Abo, Kim Cattrall and Dana Delaney 
share their sexual secrets during a sleep- 
over bachelorette party. They're girls 
and they're live, but they're only partial- 
ly nude. 

Date With an Angel (1987): Suffering from 
his bachelor party hangover, Michael E. 
Knight, who is about to marry no-non- 
sense Phoebe Cates, discovers beautiful 
and yulnerable Emmanuelle Béart in his 
swimming pool. And she’s an angel, like 
from heaven. Talk about having your 
prayers answered 

The Bachelor Party (1957): An unhappily 
married Don Murray ventures into a co- 
worker's bachelor party and, after self- 
examination brought on by stiff drinks, 
realizes why he needs a trip to the Do- 
minican Republic—to get a quickie di- 


32 vorce! Watch for creamy Carolyn Jones 


in one of the shortest performances to 
win an Oscar nomination (six minutes). 
How to Murder Your Wife (1965): Nostalgic 
for the good old days of male chauvin- 
ism? This one's for you. Wealthy swinger 
Jack Lemmon wakes up after a bachelor 
party to find he somehow wed Virna Li- 
si. That isn’t bad, but he has a killer little 
black book of numbers. 

The Body Disappears (1941): So, it's bad 
enough you end up in bed with strange 
women after a bachelor party, but in t 
worst-case scenario, the doomed groom- 
to-be becomes invisible. Wait, think of 
the honeymoon possibilities. 

Stag (1997): Mario Van Peebles throws a 
bachelor party with two exotic dancers 
(including pop star Taylor Dayne), one 
of whom is ofled while the other is get- 
ting off the groom. It doesn't pay to be a 
bachelor party ho. 

Captain Kidd's Kids (1919): See how long 
this has been going on? Silent star Har- 
old Lloyd gets bombed ata bachelor par- 
ty and fantasizes about an island full of 
female pirates. Please tell us what he was 
drinking. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


It's springtime for DVD: The Producers 
(1968), long available only on VHS, is 
nally out on disc (MGM, $25). It boasts 
а new 16x9 transfer, deleted scenes and 
anew documentary featuring director 
Mel Brooks. A film many would include 
on their lists of the funniest ever made, 
this contemporary classic proved even 
more potent live, when Brooks adapted 


ideo 


MOOD 


ood 


GUILTY PLEASUR 


The three-disc Emmanuelle Collection 
(Anchor Bay) resurrects the best of Sev- 
enties erotica. The luminous Sylvia Kris- 
tel plays the tit- 
ular role of the 
French nympho 
who searches 
the world for 
affection with 
anyone and 
anything. The 
eponymous 
original (1974) 
is boxed with 
Emmanuelle 2 
(1975, with a 
great bath- 
house scene) 
and Good- 
Bye Emman- 
uelle (1977). 
The discs are 
dubbed and subbed, with trailers. 


В.М. 


the tale as a Broadway musical. With all 
respect to the Nathan Lane-Matthew 
Broderick winner of a record dozen To- 

ny Awards, Zero Mostel and Gene Wil 

der deserve credit for finding the magic 
in this material (which won Brooks the 
Best Screenplay Oscar). The duo con- 
coct an investor fleecing scam that's built 
around mounting the worst musical of 
all time, Springtime for Hitler, only to have 
it turn into a hit. [t is among the great 
ironies that something could be so ham- 
my yet kosher. — GREGORY P FAGAN 


eter 


BLOCKBUSTER 


ACTION 


Minority Report (future cop Cruise takes it on the lam when 
he's pegged for a killing yet to come: Spielberg at his techy 
best), xxx (Vin Diesel cracks wise and delivers crazy stunts as 
оп extreme athlete tumed world-saving spy; dopey fun). 


K-19: The Widowmaker (Ford and Neeson battle for the soul of 
the USSR's first nuke-shooling sub; better than its box office), 
Reign of Fire (London, 2020: dragons rule —until a few tough 
Yanks come to kick flying-lizard ass) 


unfaithful (Diane Lone cheats on Richard Gere—with gusto; 
Adrian Lyne digs a corkscrew into cuckoldry and pulls out a 
дет), Undisputed (Tyson-like pug Ving Rhomes faces the 
prison champ, Zen master Wesley Snipes; yep, a knockout). 


SPY GAMES 


ART HOUSE 


low self-esteem: the year's funniest chick flick). 


Austin Powers in Goldmember (Mike Myers taps fresh sources 
of crude and gets Dr. Evil a new partner; uneven but easily 
forgiven), Bad Company (Anthony Hopkins puts Chris Rock 
through espionage school; clichéd, but has its moments). 


Sunshine State (development plans send a beach town's folk 
into egonizing reappraisal; rich work from John Sayles), Love- 
іу and Amazing (а family of not-so-faulty women wrestle with 


ا 


MUS 

RYAN ADAMS, America’s most prolific sing- 
er-songwriter under the age of 30, dust- 
ed off demos from the past two years to 
make Demolition (Lost Highway). True to 


form, it’s a poignant glimpse into his 
heartbroken soul. —ALISON PRATO 


On its sixth release, 
One Beat (Kill Rock 
Stars), Sleater-Kin- 
ney sounds surpris- 
ingly like the Minute- 
men—laying political 
lyrics over shifting 
time signatures and 
complicated melo- 
dies. Carrie Brown 
stein, Janet Weiss and 
Corin Tucker have ma- 
tured as a band, grow- 
ing more attuned to one another with ev- 
ery album —ANAHEED ALANI 


Jets to Brazil front man Blake Schwarz- 
enbach secured his position as punk's 
poet laureate by penning punk-rock- 
boy-loses-punk-rock-girl pop songs with 
Jawbreaker. His latest group mixes ter- 
minal depression with a sneer. On Per- 
fecting Loneliness (Jade Tree), the group 
gives up the keyboard-laden sound, leav- 
ing room for distorted guitars. 115 po- 
tent stuff — JASON BUHRMESTER. 


Tony Scherr plays bass in Sex Mob, a 
jazz band. But his solo CD, Come Around 
(Smells Like), is more country than be- 
bop. His guitar playing and laid-back 
singing are haunting, and his songwrit- 
ing stands out. — LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


Ikara Colt is E 
land's answer to the 
Strokes. On Chat and 
Business (Epitaph), 
the band's energy 
is poured into dis- 
ciplined songs with 
knife-edge time, 
chord and texture 
changes. Ikara Colt 
has the attitude, in- 


= Tony Scherr 


Come Around 


fast tracks 


DEPARTMENT OF FINE ART: Marilyn Maı 
son's first art exhibit was mounted in 
Hollywood. Called the Golden Age of 

Grotesque, it featured 50 water- 
colors. . REELING AND ROCK- 
ING: Randy Newman is composing 
songs for two films—The Cat in 
the Hat and Seabiscuit. . . . Steven 
Soderbergh and George Clooney 
will co-produce a film bio of Bud- 
dy Rich. . . . Method Мап and Red- 
man have teamed up for anoth- 
er comedy, Ghetto, Inc. about 
friends who start a rap label to 
get out of the hood. . . . Paul 
mon, who rarely writes movie 
music, has contributed a song for 
The Wild Thornberrys, an environmen- 
talist animated film. . . . Michael Stipe's 


tensity and 


best of all—musical pur- 
pose missing from many of New York's 


post-Strokes bands. —TIM монк 

One Big Trip (Red Urban) is a novel 
CD-DVD combo: Side one bumps with 
tracks by Dilated Peoples and Jurassic 
Flip it to watch a road flick in which 
five kids, backpacks stuffed with ecsta- 
sy and opium, search for meaning on an 
anti-Road Rules. AR 


ELP follows up his solo hip-hop debut 
with Fan Dam Plus: Instrumentals and Re! 
es (Def Jux), a fine set that begs the ques- 
tion: Who needs the flow? LF 


On Water Hymns (Killdeer), 
Noahjohn blends elements 

| of Mogwai's dirge-rock and 
| Yo La Tengo's indie-folk. It's 
countrified strings, mournful 

| twangs, plaintive vocals and 
| alt-country energy. ам 


Radian mixes computers 
with live instruments. Recex- 
| tern (Thrill Jockey) creates an 


Froehlich 


Ryan Adams 
Demolition 


4 9 


| 3 7 8 


каға Coll 
Chat and Business 


Tony Scherr 
Come Around 


Sleater-Kinney 
One Beat 


8 
7 
6 
Y 


o |o | = 


next production stars Macaulay Culkin 
and Jena Malone. Called Saved, it's 
about a pregnant girl at a Christian 
high school. . . . NEWSBREAKS: Courtney 
Love swears that a Nirvana greatest-hits 
album will be out by Christmas. . . . 
Busta Rhymes’ new CD is expected any 
day, and you can see him in Hallo- 
ween 8... . Look for the book and CD 
Music Makers: Portraits and Songs From 
the Roots of America, edited by Tim Dutty 
(musicmaker.org). Duffy has photo- 
graphed and recorded artists who link 
us to our musical roots. . . . J. Lo's sit- 
com is beginning to take shape. It will 
revolve around a Puerto Rican family 
that is living in the Bronx. Open audi- 
tions have been held. Is there a part 
for Ben? — BARBARA NELLIS 


organic soundscape that becomes more 
compelling with each listen ur 


After his first release, Damon “Badly 
Drawn Boy" Gough was called a low- 
fi songwriter, a dig at his sparse arrange- 
ments. Have You Fed the Fish? (Twisted 
Nerve) finds him composing expansive 
arrangements 
with strings and 
horns that suggest 
Phil Spector. 40 
Days, 40 Fights and 
You Were Right are 
examples of his 
songwriting at its 
most potent. — в 


The Foo Fight- 
ers’ music has been 
overshadowed by 
headlines, mostly about Courtney Love. 
One by One (Roswell) kicks the drama to 
the curb in favor of straight-up colossal 
rock. The only headline now should be 
FOO'S FOURTH GOES TRIPLE PLATINUM. —A.P. 


ЕС Kahuna's Machine Says Yes (Nett- 
werk), from the CD of the same name, is 
the single of the year. It combines the 
best of electro, indie. soulful house and 
the simple percussion of big beat. It’s a 
sleazy, catchy dance-floor classic. —ı.M 


With the death of Bob Marley, reggae 
moved from rustie spirituality to urban 
carnality. The Biggest Dancehall Anthems 
1979-82 (Greensleeves) presents 40 pow- 
erful hits that exult in the flesh —LE 


The Jazzyfatnastees’ Tortoise and the 
Hare (CoolHunter) recalls some of R&B's 
sexiest moments—late Prince, early En 
Vogue, disco-era Donna Summer. —AA 


33 


TECHIE PHOBICS 


We can understand a phobia about nee- 
dles (trypanophobia) or about being 
buried alive (taphophobia). But if you 
suffer from arachibutyrophobia (a fear 
of peanut butter sticking to the roof of 
your mouth), then you need profession- 
al help. More plausible phobias can be 
dispatched with electronic gadgets. Any- 
one suffering from a fear of sharks (sela- 
chophobia) may want to check out the 
Shark Shield ($470). Strapped to your 
leg, it produces an electromagnetic field 
that causes pain to sharks if they swim 
nearby. A fear of dogs (cynophobia) isn’t 
unreasonable—especially if you work as 
a mailman. The Dog Chaser ($20) from 
Safety Technology emits a painful high- 
frequency sound that’s audible only to 
pooches, bad or good—so use the hand- 
held device judiciously. The Dog Chas- 
er's range is 15 feet. To thwart all wildlife 
and set your agrizoophobia at ease, try 
the YardGard Electronic Yard Protector 
($125). Ultrasonic tones blasted across 
а 4000-square-foot area will repel any 
small four-legged critters. (You may not 


34 


nt to test it on a bear.) For a raging 
зе of nucleomituphobia—who's afraid 
of nuclear weapons?—try the Gam- 
maScout ($300). This handheld Geiger 
counter warns when radiation levels reach 
an amount that indicates the end 
near. To banish ghosts (plasmophobia), 
the Trifield Natural EM Meter Model 2 
($300) measures shifts in electric and 
magnetic fields supposedly caused by the 
paranormal. If your girlfriend is scared 
of getting lost in wide-open spaces (ago- 
raphobia), get her a GPS locator watch 
from Wherify ($400). At any time you 
can log on to the Internet and see a map 
displaying her exact location. Just re- 
mind her to carry a cell phone so you 
can give her directions. And if you can't 
muster the nerve to approach that blonde 
who's sitting across from you at the bar, 
you may have caligynephobia—a fear of 
beautiful women. Something less per- 
sonal might work, in which case try com- 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 185 


municating with her online. That is, if 
you don't have cyberphobia. —EAzLOW 


IS DVD OVER ALREADY? 


When we replaced our dusty collection 
of VHS tapes with shiny new DVDs we 


cord high-quality HDTV programming 
and movies on blank digital videocas- 
settes. Moreover, these machines are 
backward-compatible, so all SVHS and 
VHS tapes can be played, too. D-VHS 
movies are expected to sell for $35 to 
$45 each. There are currently about 150 


Wila PUTO 


Knew it would be only a matter of time 
before a new format arrived. Hard to be- 
lieve, but it’s already here. This time, 
we're going back to tape. A new format 
dubbed D-Theater was recently launched 
by JVC, the company responsible for the 
original VHS format. D-Theater digital 
cassettes (also known as D-VHS tapes) re- 
semble regular VHS cassettes but hold up 
to 50 gigabytes of data. That means they 
yield more than twice the lines of reso- 
lution of DVD technology (1080 versus 
480) for even better picture clarity and 
deliver Dolby Digital Surround sound 
at a higher bit rate (576kbps, compared 
with 448kbps for DVD). The real draw 
to D-VHS players is their ability to re- 


titles available, including Terminator 2, 
X-Men, Basic Instinct and Independence 
Day. D-VHS players such as the JVC 
HM-DH3000U are hitting stores now at 
a cost of $800 to $1500. Besides the steep 
price of equipment and movies, there 
are a couple of obvious limitations, such 
as fast-forwarding and rewinding tapes. 
The tapes can also become twisted or 
torn. Film fanatics spoiled by DVD's spe- 
cial features and extras will miss them 
with the D-VHS format. Our advice: 
Steer clear of D-VHS until you arc one 
of the 2 million or so households with 
an HDTV. Without it, you won't be able 
to take advantage of the benefits that 
D-VHS offers. —MARC SALTZMAN 


games 


Last year Grand Theft Auto III proved 
that saving the universe was for suckers. 
Real fun was in stealing cars, pulling off 
gangland hits and avoiding the law, all 

in the name 


of making a quick buck. The new sequel, 
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (by Rockstar 
Games, for PlayStation), takes place in 
a model of Eighties-era Miami. New con: 
trols let you bail out of moving vehicles, 

shoot out tires, steal motorcycles and 

helicopters and pull off drive-bys in 
a stolen boat. Our tip: Pick up one 
of the game's seven soundtrack CDs. 
Rumor has it that each CD acts as 
a key when placed in your CD-ROM, 
giving you access to unique Vice Ci 
cheat codes that are accessible only 
from the CD. — JASON BUHRMESTER 


Count on a slim turnout of fans for the 
next Star Wars. They'll be locked away 


Everything tastes better with a splash of the unexpected. 


Join the Сарт? crew at rum.com. Drink responsibly - Captain's orders: 
‘er Ron amt ct rte ae» 363 yA)» Cal an, aS, 


playing Star Wars Galaxies (by LucasArts, 
for PC; Xbox and PlayStation2 in 2003), 
a new muluplayer online game based on 
the Star Wars universe. Players create a 
character from one of eight species (in- 
cluding Wookie, but not Jawa), choose a 
profession such as a smuggler, bounty 
hunter or Jedi Master 
and then co-exist on- 
line in a galaxy far, 
far away with play- 
ers from around the 
world. Expect to shell 
out a monthly sub- 
scription fee if you 
want the force to re- 
main with you. 

— DARREN GLADSTONE 


хш (by Ubisoft, for PC, Xbox, PS2 and 
GameCube) is an ingenious first-person 
shooter that's staged in a cool two-di- 
mensional comic book setting. You'll use 
weapons along with surreal flashbacks to 
unravel the conspiracy-based story line. 
Violence in the form of shooting, stab- 
bing and hostage taking is accompanied 
by an “ouch” or “bam” 
icon in a nod to the 
game's comic book 
heritage. XIII is an 
innovative twist on 
the genre. —D.C. 


Japanese game devel- 
opers are obsessive 
about their giant- 
robot games. For the folks behind Steel 
Battalion (by Capcom, for Xbox), that 
perfectionist attitude means ditching the 
standard controller and creating a 40- 
button command center that controls 
every aspect of the military robot, from 
reloading and launching missiles to 
washing the windshield and tuning the 
radio. So serious were developers about 
realism that players who ignore the 
flashing eject button will witness 
their characters be- 


ing killed and their saved games being 
erased, forcing them to start the 32 level 
game from the beginning. The $200 
package includes controller, floor pedals 
(not pictured) and Steel Battalion, the 


36 only game currently compatible. в. 


living 
THE REVERSE COWGIRLS BLOG 


The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog (blogs.salon. 
com/0001437/) is where I turn for a а; 
ly dose of sex-related news, gossip, 
bits and cartoons. Susannah Breslin is 
one funny freelance sex writer, and her 
weblog has attracted a large readership. 
Lasked her why she started the blog, and 
she explained that it gives her the op- 
portunity to report on “things that are 
too weird, too kooky or too extreme” for 
her editors. “I wanted it to be edgy and 
funny and sexy, and not so damn help- 
ful or PC or Бог- 
ing or dumb, like a 
lot of writing about 
sex." Oh, and if 
you're wondering 
what a “reverse 
cowgirl” is, you'll 
just have to look it 
up on Google, be- 
cause Breslin isn't 
- telling. 


ALL-IN-ONE ENTERTAINMENT 


The Windows XP Media Center operat- 
ing system turns the personal computer 
into a digital jukebox that can store and 
play TV, music, video, photographs and. 
DVDs. I've been playing with an early 
version of the Microsoft software, which 
come: talled on special media-center 
PCs manufactured by a number oftop PC 
makers. The user interface is clean. When 
you start it up, you're given these options: 
My TV, My Music, My Pictures, My Vid- 
eos, Play DVD and Settings. The sup- 
plied remote control is well designed and 
notas complex as you might expect of 
something that controls so many features. 

The most impressive part is My TV, 
which operates like Tivo. You select pro- 
grams to watch or record from an on- 
screen schedule (which is automatically 
downloaded from the Internet), pause 
live programming or search for shows 
starring your favorite performers. My 
ГУ is missing some of the more ad- 
vanced features of full-fledged personal 
video recorders, but you don't have to 
pay a onetime or monthly fee to activate 
the system. 


MOZILLA'S MO BETTA 


Microsoft's Inter- 
net Explorer is 
the most popular 
web browser in the 
world. But it’s not 
the best. That title belongs to Mozilla 
(mozilla.org), a volunteer-built browser 
that offers everything Explorer has go- 
ing for it, plus a bunch of great features. 
Here are three reasons to switch. One: 


mozilla.org 


online 


You сап set a prefe 
up windows. Two: You can r 
any banner ad and select a menu item 
that prevents the originating site from 
sending images to your browser. Three: 
You can open links as “tabs” 
that appear along the top 
of your browser window 

Don't be fooled by the new 
release of Netscape 7.0. It 
lacks a built-in pop-up kill- 
er and will fire a barrage of 
AOL ads every chance that 
il gets. 


RECORDS YOU 
WOULDN'T WANT 
TO BEAT 
On January 26, 1972 a flight a 
from Yugoslavia survived a 33,330-foot 
fall without a parachute when the DC-9 
she was in exploded. On April 25, 1998, 
doctors removed an eight-inch knife em- 
bedded in the skull of a Florida man. Six 


months later a man from Ol succeed- 


ed in stacking nine golf balls without their 
toppling over. What do all these people 
have in common? They're record hold 
ers, officially recognized on the Guinness 
World Records site (guinnessworldrec 
ords.com). In addition to photographs 
and descriptions of extreme feats, there 
are amazing clips in the Video Vault, in- 
cluding one of a man diving 30 feet into 
12 inches of water. —MARK FRAUENFELDER 


INN 
GLENGARRY 
GLEN ROSS 


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38 


combat 


Multiplayer video games were built 
for talking trash. Otherwise, there 
would be no one to appreciate your 
toui 


down dance. For the PlaySta- 
tion2 and Xbox console systems, 
multiplayer gaming is no longer 
limited to four guys parked on a liv- 
ing room couch. By tapping into 
your home broadband connections, 
these systems have spawned vast on- 
line gaming arenas—a realm that 
has historically belonged to PCs. 
Connecting your Xbox or PS2 to the 
Net means more opponents and 
teammates (whether they're your 
buddies down the street or a girl 
from the other side of the globe). If 
a smartass Swedish kid keeps killing 
you, use the voice-chat headset to 

ind up your crew to deliver aroy 
al beatdown. Hand out enough ass 
whoopings and you'll be ranked on 
a scoreboard that tracks individual 
player performance. Rankings also 
allow game servers to match players 
of equal skill, so you don't end up 
stomping a rookie at NEL 2K3 or 
getting gunned down at Unreal 
Championship, Game play is unlim- 
ited and the service never close: 
This convenience costs you, though, 
whether it's an annual or monthly 
subscription fee, the price of an on- 
line adapter or a fee for an exclusive 
download. While most of the games 
that offer online play are so far lim- 
ited to action, racing and sports, 
count on seeing both companies— 
Xbox and Sony—roll out new role- 
playing games, Sony has announced 
PS2 versions of the popular Ever- 
quest series and an online edition 
of Final Fantasy XI. Microsoft has 
created True Fantasy Online, a 
medieval-theme multiplayer game. 
There's talk about Xbox and PS2 

ns of LucasArts Star Wars: 

Galaxies. Also look for companies 
to develop serial games, with 
downloadable levels unrolled in 
installments. “I love the idea of 

- or 40-minute Mission of 
the Week download,” explains 1 
J. Allard, general manager of Z 
XBox. “Id rather play that 
than watch West Wing." Nin- 
tendo plans to have its 
online game component 
available this holiday se: 
SON. — JASON BUHRMESTER 


x 
hja 
Q 


XBOX 


What you need: The Xbox Live starter 
kit ($50). It includes а voice-chat headset 
and a one-year subscription to the Xbox 
Live service. You'll also need broadband 
Net service, since Xbox Live isn't com- 
patible with dial-up connections. 


How it works: Once you set up your ac- 
count and pick a Gamertag user name, 
you'll cruise through a log-in screen to a 
gaming lobby. There you can check your 
standing in the rankings and see if any- 
опе from your “friends list” is online. 


Joining a game: If 
your favorite op- 
ponent is playing 
someone else, send 
an instant message 
inviting him to bail 
out and join you. If 
he accepts, he'll need to switch game 
discs in his Xbox console. To save time, 
the system will skip the setup screens 
and insert him right at the line of 
scrimmage. No friends online? 
The Quickmatch feature will 
throw you into a game with the 
dick ofa button. To pair up with 
a worthy opponent, try the Opti- 
match option. 


Game to own: Halo 2. The sequel to 
Microsoft's best-selling alien shooter 
will include an online element that fo- 
cuses on squad- 
oriented team bat- 
tles. Use new vehi- 
cles and weapons 
to decimate oppos- 
ing players. It's 
Starship Troopers 
with a crew of your 
drinking buddies. 


Don't forget: MechAssault, Tony Hawk 
Pro Skater 4, Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon, 
NFL 2K3, Unreal Championship. 


Verdict: Instant messaging, player rank- 
ings and voice chat in every title give 
Xbox Live an edge. Watch for develop- 
ers to use the Xbox’ hard drive to deliv- 
er downloadable characters, levels and 
other content. 


What you need: The PlayStation? Net- 
work Adapter ($40). PlayStation? on- 
line, unlike Xbox Live, is accessible from 
both broadband and dial-up connections. 
The adapter connects to the back of your 
PlayStation? and is compatible with most 
Internet service providers. It requires 
no additional subscription fec and Sony 
includes a mail-in coupon for a free copy 
of Twisted Metal: Black Online. The com- 
pany requires you to have a PS? mem- 
ory card with at 


least 137kb of free 
space to save your 
settings. 


How it works: In- 
sert a game disc 
into your PS2 and 
log on to your ISP and the adapter will 
guide you to the proper start page. Each 
game has its own lobby where you can 
check scores and find opponents. Sony is 
requiring video game companies to run 
their own online services, so count on a 
variety of experiences and, in the future, 


differing prices. 


Game to own: socom: U.S. Navy Seals is 
Sony's flagship online game. The first- 
person tary shooter is the only title 
so far to support a voice-chat headset for 
communicating with teammates and ac- 
complishing your 
mission objectives. 
Just don't count on 
playing it through 
your dial-up con- 
nection. The in- 
tense 16-player ac- 
tion is too much 
for phone lines, so you'll need a broad- 
band connection. 


опу Hawk Pro Skater 4, 
3, Tribes: Aerial Assault, Auto 
Modellista. 


Yerdict: Despite the stripped-down ser- 
vice, Sony's great selection of games de- 
livers the goods. Gount on wasting sev- 
eral weekends playing multiplayer titles 
such as Everquest and Star Wars: Galax- 
ies once they launch. Still, a few features 
such as a “friends list” would help. 


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Kooks | 


MORE ELMORE 


Novelist Elmore Leonard's trademark offbeat characters are 
in long supply in his new short-fiction collection, When the 
Women Come Out to Dance (Morrow). In the course of nine sto- 
ries, you'll meet a bandito with 
heart, an insurance investigator 
a housemaid with kill- 
ctions, several wary law- 
men, and thugs and murderers 
of varying villainy, Treats for 
Leonard's fans include familiar 
folk from his previous novels, 
such as Ош of Sights federal 
marshal Karen Sisco and garru- 
lous former baseball player 
Chickasaw Charlie Hoke from LLG 

the recent Tishomingo Blues. OUT 

Best of all, the novella Fire in the To 

Hole picks up on U.S. Marshal J 

Raylan Givens a few years af- ШЗ 

ter his exploits in Riding the 

Rap. This time around, the noble lawman has 

a showdown with a buddy from his coal-mining youth. An- 
other novella, Tenkiller, in which a movie stuntman returns 
home to find hi fested by a family of redneck hijack- 
ers, is set for filming with Bruce Willis. Tenkiller is a good 
yarn—tough, funny and sexy—but in this fast company it gets 
s bright Fire. —DICK LOCHTE 


WHEN 
THE $ 
WOMEN 


д 


shaded by Rayl 


_ AGNIFICENT 


OBSESSIONS 


And then there were two: With the death of the Ox (bass play- 
er John Entwistle), Genesis’ limited-editian Maximum Who: The 
Who in the Sixties has an even higher nostalgia factor. The 
1250 copies bound in quarter leather ond red cloth 
go for $390 each, while the 250 deluxe copies 
(bound in full leather) signed by Roger Daltrey are 
$570. Photographs are from Tony Gole, Colin 
Jones, Chris Morphet, Dominique Torlé, Dovid 
Wedgebury and Baron Wolmon; text is by Daltrey, 
Pete Townshend and the Ox himself. Call the 
Govinda Gallery at 800-775-1111 to order or 
for additional information. — BARBARA NELLIS 


سے 


GROUP GROPE 


Scholars take note, voyeurs take heart: In A History of Orgies 
(Prion), republished for the first time since 1958 as part of Pri- 
on's Lost Treasures series, Burgo Partridge traces his subject 
from ancient Greece through the 20th century. Greek orgies 
were essential parts of Dionysian festivals, which also included 
excessive drinking, elaborate ritu- 
als and erotic dancing, Ancient RO- 
man orgies weren't as classy. Partic- 
ipants engaged іп self-flagellation, 
human sacrifice and the throwing 
of feces. The Catholic Church w 
a lot more fun during the Renai 
sance. Priests often got it on with 
groups of nuns. Orgies includes sto- 
ries about the sex lives of Casa- 
nova and the Marquis de Sade (he 
slipped boring guests Spanish fly 
to get the party going). Live vicari- 
ously until your invitation arrives 
in the mail. —PATTY LAMBERTI 


PICK POCKET 


‘The venerable British travel pub- 
lisher Footprint has recently launched a new series of defini- 
tive city-guide pocket handbooks. Bilbao, Cape Town, Ha- 
vana, Madrid, Naples and Bologna are available now. In the 
spring, Footprint will add Berlin, Copenhagen, Reykjavik and 
Stockholm. What makes them great—aside from the stuff 
you'd expect from a seasoned travel guide—are tips aimed at 
Spontaneous travelers. For more information, go to footprint 
books.com and get away. 


SERIOUS SKIN 
Rabert Coover has written 11 novels, 
but The Adventures of Lucky Plerre 
(Grave) may be his masterpiece. 
Lucky Pierre is ostensibly the tale of 
о porn star (and his muses) in a dys- 
Packy tapian city where every theater— 
ТЕККЕ the Prickloria, the Phallus, the Bare 
Mount—shows nothing but porn. 
Coaver offers a typically wild ride, a 
panaply af perversions and comic 
broadsides. But what starts as a 
vaguely lewd shaggy-dog story marphs inta a grand meditation 
on sex, memory and the discontinuity of time. No one else 
could have written such an exhilarating book.—LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


THE FAME GAME 
Bill Zehme hos a peculiar obility to get ce- 
lebrities to let their guards down. In Inti- 
mate Strangers: Comic Profiles and Indiscre- 
tions of the Very Famous (Dell), he lies in 
bed naked with Sharon Stone (her idea), 
discusses flatulence with Comeron Dioz 
опа paints Los Angeles blonde with Hef. 
Also revealed are the elusives (Johnny 
Carson and Warren Beatty), the power- 
houses (Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom 
Hanks) and the funnymen (Jerry Sein- 
feld and Woody Allen). And if that's not 
enough name-dropping for you, Com- 
eron Crowe penned the foreword 

—ALISON PRATO 


[crap m 


MEET SARAI, YOUR FAVORITE 
NEW TV STAR 


How did 20-year-old Puerto Rican na- 
tive Sarai win Playboy's Hedonism Ш 
contest? She and her husband were va- 
cationing in Jamaica for their one-year 
anniversary, and when she heard about 
our contest, she begged him to st 
extra week so she could audition. “I've 


el,” Sarai says. “My husband 

agreed to stay as a gift to me.” | 
(We're sure being in the mids 
of gorgeous naked ladies for an 


Sarai was the first to sign up for Ж 
the competition—and after a 
wet T-shirt contest, a bikini con- 
test and a striptease, she walked | 
away the winner. “It was nerve- 
racking for me. You're half naked ^ 
in front of strangers and you don't 
know what the judges are looking for. All 
the contestants were supposed to do a 
two-minute striptease and take off their 
thongs. I was doing a naughty-secretary 
thing, and while I 
was dancing, one of 
my shoes fell off. So 
1 kicked off the oth- 
er one to make it 
look like it had been 
planned. My routine 
was accidentally cut 
short, so when the 
music stopped, I still 
had my thong on 

I quickly pulled it 
down and walked off 
stage.” Embarrass- 
ing, yes, but the im- 
tion paid off. 
“I won a trip to Hedonism, a photo 
shoot with PLAYBOY and two appearances 
on Playboy TV.” Sarai’s first appearance 
had her kicking back and dispensing sex 
advice on the Night Calls 411 couch with 
hosts Tera Patrick and Crystal Knight 

Next, she will compete against two wom- 
en on the immensely popular Sexy Girls 


and wal 
off stage,” 


Next Door. What, in Sarai's opinion, makes 
a regular girl stand out? “Being real is 
sexy,” she says. “Real boobs, a simple 
beauty. A quiet girl who's 
actually wild. I intend 
to win. It's a dream at 
my fingertips.” 


Sarai (right) 
faces tough 
competition. 


= 


A SEXY, FREAKY URBAN 
LEGEND 


When we asked you to 
send us your favorite ur- 
ban legends, we were in- 
undated with titillating 
tales. The Ice Palace by 
Weld ‘Tremolo of Louis- 
ville, Colorado gave usa 
big chill. “During my 
I stumbled on- 
y Alaskan town 

with few amenities—just a grocery 
store, some bars and an old movie the- 
ater called the Ice Palace. There were no 
employees in the theater—just a box on 


an empty counter with a sign that read 
TWO DOLLARS, PLEASE. Oddly, the patrons 
chose to sit in the front of the theater. I 
sat in the rear and started watching the 
movie. Then I noticed a lone viewer in 
the back. I moved to the seat next to her. 
When I leaned toward her to say hello, 
she placed her finger across my lips and 
said, ‘Shhh.’ Her finger was unusually 
cold. She leaned her head on my shoul- 
der. I was captivated. The cool flesh of 
her hands surrounded my penis. The 
movie ended as I enjoyed an explosive 
orgasm. As | pulled up my pants, the 
woman got up 
and left. I tried to 
follow her to the 
lobby but found 
no one except a 
weary old man. I 
quickly left. I 
stepped into the 
closest bar, hop- 
ing to find her. 
The bartend- 
er told me t 
‘The man is the 
theater owner 
and a regular cus- 
tomer at my bar. 
He thought his 
daughter would 
become a movie 
star. One night, 
while drunk, he 
forgot that he had 
told his daughter 
to sit in the back of the theater and wait 
for him. She waited all night during a 
fierce storm. He found her in the morn- 
ing, frozen stiff." " Got a better one? Sub- 
mit it to playboytv.com, then watch the 
stories come to life on Sexy Urban Legends, 


ETWEEN THE SHEETS 


"The craziest place I've had sex?" says Lindsey Vualo, who stars with several 
Centerfolds in Playmates in Bed. "It was a one-night stand. | went to see some: 


one in Ohio, and we ha 
17. | had no shame.” Watch the video 


spy on Lindsey and the gals in their mos 


Christi Shake 
throw a private 
ajama рагу, 


Lani Todd and 
Heather Carolin 


pleasure a day- 
dreaming man 
and Stephanie 
gets 

doted on by a 
rench maid. It’s 
breakfast in bed 
ike you've nev- 
er tasted 


x in fhe front seat next to his friend, driving! | was 
available at playboystore.com 


41 


«Жаз boy comh] 


ORIGINAL SPIN 


If the Playboy Cyber Club's models 
make your head spin, here's a new 
twist. Our 360-degree feature uses 


the latest technology to enable you to 
move models around your computer 
screen as they rotate in three dimen- 
sions. As you can see with October 
2002 Gyber Girl Brittany Evans 
like watching your own peep show. 
“Гуе been told I have a ghetto boot 


SEX TRICKS YOU 
NEED TO KNOW 


When things get dull in the sack, it's not 
like you can ask your girl to wait while 
you look through a book for a new posi- 
tion. You need to hit the bedroom pre- 
pared. Here are five tricks to bone up 
on, compliments of Playboy.com's Love 
and Sex section. 

(1) Popping her 
clutch: "You'll 
need a vibrator 
with a cord 


» ; 


and а separate on-off switch—such as a 
remote-control egg—positioned on her 
clitoris,” says Laura Corn, who offers 
this trick from her best-selling Great 
American Sex Diel. “Your partner needs to 
tell you when she's about to come. As 
she's having her first contraction, turn 
off the vibrator. She'll probably look at 
you funny, so turn it back on. Then turn 
it off for a second or two. Then turn it 
on. You get the idea. The anticipation 
will drive her wild, and you'll extend her 
orgasm by several minutes.” 

(2) The amaretto popsicle: It's hard to 
imagine improving on the blow job, but 


42 


Brittany says. “It’s round and it’s not 
going away. I've learned to embrace 
my butt because it's so out there. 


When I told my dad I was posing, he 


sighed and said, “Well, I've been look- 
ing at somebody's daughter for the 
past 25 years.’ With that, he gave his 
blessing, though 1 don't think he'll 
look at the pictures.” Download Quick- 
time 5 to enjoy Brittany and your oth- 
er fayorites from every angle. 


we admire a woman for trying. To start, 
she pours herself a snifter of amaretto 
(or your favorite liqueur). When it's time 
for business, she dips her fingertips in 
the amaretto and drips it over your tor- 
so and cock (penalties for unlicked drips). 
To help out, put your fingers in the ama- 
retto and let her alternate between them 
and your cock. 

(3) The perpendicular: Get naked and 
stand face-to-face. Put your penis half- 
way into her; put her hand around the 
rest. Let her keep it in contact with her 
clit and regulate the pressure and tem- 
po. Put your hands around her ass to 
help keep the rhythm. According to the 
Playboy.com user who gave us this tip, 
his girlfriend often faints after coming 
this way. 

(4) The circle sweep: Using your in 
dex finger, make small, slow circles 


KORN GETS KINKY 
When Playboy.com invited Korn singer 
Jonathan Davis to be its next celebrity 
guest photographer, the bespectacled 
alt-metal icon accepted—but only if he 
could use his fiancée, former porn star 
Deven Davis, as his model. Previous 


guest photographers Nelly and Tom- 
my Lee had photographed Playmates 
b 


and Pl. 


around her clitoris, but don't actually 
touch it. After about 15 circles, go a bit 
faster as she starts to get wet. After 25 


CYBER GIRL OF THE MONTH 
TAVANIA KAYE. Birih date 
April 13, 1972. Place of birth: Dallas. 
Where you've seen her before: She 
er on Fox TV's Who Wa: 


Name: 


vos 


In her CD ployer: Sting, U2, 
Dove Matthews Band. In her DVD play 


er: The Usual Suspects. "I lave Mi 


hot for: Benicio 


mavies." Actor s 
Del Toro. Actress she odmires 


erine Zeta-Jan: 


Cath- 


A typical morning 


бгз! thing. Then I go for a walk 


ar a run." Gaals: “To t а mor- 


athon and drive a race car.” What 


'Confidence and 


circles, take that same finger and make a 
sweeping motion back and forth like a 
pendulum. In the words of Monty Py- 
thon, don't stampede the clitoris. 

(5) The lip tease: Have your girl lie on 
her back with her legs slightly apart 
while you gently touch her vulva. Spread 
her labia with your fingers. Let the labia 
close, then part them again. Work her 
up to orgasm by running your hands 
over her thighs and pubic area. 


y models, so we were happy to agree to 


Davis’ terms. The beauty and her beast made Korn history when they 


visited our Santa Monica studios to shoot the ra 
PLAYBOY, so anything having to do with you guy: 


photos. “I've always liked 
fun,” Deven says. “And be- 


cause I was with my man, that made it even more fun.” See what kind of love she 
made to Davis’ camera in A&E at Playboy.com. 


MO RE-SEX! 


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By ASA BABER 


HAPPY NEW YEAR, amigos. To prepare you 
for the collisions and conflagrations that 
are bound to occur between the sexes 
2003, ы.лувоу recently sent me on as- 
signment to all 50 of these great United 
States. 1 am happy to report I have com- 
pleted my mission successfully and have 
returned to corporate headquarters with 
reams of top-secret information, some of 
which I will share with you here. 

Following the magazine's editorial man- 
date, I have personally interviewed ev- 
ery woman in the country. I know that 
sounds impossible, but it's the truth. It 
was an exhausting task (one that has put 
me та wheelchair for the time being) 
and Г confess that I'm now a shadow of 
my former self. Nonetheless, somebody 
had to do it, and I was the guy. 

During the interviews I asked each 
woman in America one question: “What 
do women want from men in 2003?” That 
simple interrogatory elicited a riptide of 
responses—vigorous, colorful, occasion- 
ally obscene and frequently hostile. 

Printed below are three of the most 
important things women want from men 
this year. (My complete report, Women 
Speak, Men Cringe, will be published soon 
and stocked nationwide in the Men First, 
Way Before Women and Children and 
Puppies bookstore chain.) For a preview 
of my masterpiece, read what follows. Pre- 
pare to be astonished: This is going to be 
a tough year for us. 

The first thing women want from men in 
2003: obedience. | was shocked to learn 
that this quality is at the top of every 
woman's list. One hundred percent of 
the women in America see men as dis- 
obedient creatures and want them to fol- 
low orders more closely. “He never does 
what l tell him to do" was the most com- 
mon statement made. (Or to quote a 
redheaded massage therapist from Las 
Vegas with great tits: “Men are like buck- 
ing broncos, but I'm here to break all 
of 'em.") 

Consider this terrifying fact: Nine 
seven percent of the women I polled said 
they were going to up the ante and de- 
mand that men obey their orders. How 
do they plan to enforce their command? 
It sounds simple but effective: Ninety-six 
percent of American women have read 
the autobiographical revelations of a 
professional dominatrix named Hellfire 
Divine, whose book Wrap His Balls in Red- 
Hot Coals and His Heart and Mind Will 
Follow has been ensconced on the New 
York Times best-seller 1 
weeks. Clearly, something sinister is go- 
ing on. 

It gets worse: Two thirds of my female 
compatriots admitted to the purchase of 


44 handcuffs, whips, cattle prods, barbed- 


2003: WHAT 
WOMEN WANT 


ге cock rings and other accoutrements 
of the dominatrix trade—and they plan 
to use them on their significant others 
who misbehave. In short, 2003 could be 
the year when you finally get slapped 
and branded in your own domicile—or 
is that already happening to you, Mr. 
America? 

The second thing women want from men 
in 2003: sexual fidelity. This is harsh news. 
I wasn't sure how to break it to you, so 
ГИ just unload it like a dinosaur taking 
a dump on an anthill. My apologies. “I 
am sick and tired of men fucking around 
and lying about it,” a dentist with a great 
ass told me in Hollywood. “This is go- 
ing to be the year that men and their 
i stop cold,” 


Т asked her how women could change 
an ages-old sexual dynamic in justa 
year. “Nothing to it,” she answered as 
she showed me her self-produced video- 
tape, Good Night, Mr. Happy, which she 
had just mailed to every woman in the 
country (along with a startup kit). I have 
seen gruesome videos in my time, but 
this one is particularly painful to watch 
The dentist, using a blowpipe made by a 
tribe from Br shoots a curare-tipped 
dart into the tip of her sleeping mate's 
penis. “He never felt a thing," she says, 
smiling, "and he won't be able to get an 
erection for months. Watch out, boys: In 
2003 you will not get to boogie behind 
our backs without paying for it.” 

The third thing women want from men in 
2003: complete honesty about every fucking 
thing you can think of. What I have already 
listed on this page is heavy news. But the 
third thing women want from us is the 
one thing that could kill the spirit of ev- 


ery man in captivity. (FYI: That means 
you too, artsy-fartsy dude, because no 
matter how much you try to disassociate 
yourself from the pack with your rhet- 
oric and supposed sensitivity, underneath 
your lamb's-wool hairpiece, you are just 
as manipulative of women as any of us 
wolves out here on the prairie.) 

“We want complete honesty,” declared 
a gorgeous, tough-talking wench with 
great legs from the National Security 
Agency near Washington, D.C. “Women 
now have the technology to detect dis 
honesty in any of you lying bastards. Try 
coming home with lipstick on your fly 
and telling us you dropped strawberry 
sorbet in your lap. That bullshit will not 
play with us anymore.” 

I was taken aback by the vehemence of 
her remarks, but I maintained my poise 
and asked the question that had to be 
asked: “Are you implying that American 
women have been awarded access to the 
NSA's superfast computers and voice- 
print analyzers and retinal scanners and 
brain-wave detectors and microwave sen- 
sors and satellite surveillance capabilities 
and stuff too secret to describe? 

“You bet your booty, Ace man,” she 
said, laughing. “You clods are now wired 
for sound and followed around 24-7. 
This year, you aren't going to get away 
with anything without us gals knowing 
about it in real time. History is being 
rewritten as we speak. You don’t have 
a chance." 

Never in my long career have I felt 
threatened as 1 did when 1 heard that 
spook chick's words. To think that 
2003 the women of America will use all 
the technology their sisters inside the gov- 
ernment can provide so they can track 
us and hack us and gather evidence 
against us made me cry like a prisoner in 
chains. 

So there you have three of the 110,168 
things women say they want from us in 
2003. I urge you to read my complete re- 
port, even though it does not present a 
pretty picture of our future under the 
thumb of the so-called fair sex. We can 
hope, of course, that the feminine con- 
spiracy to control our wilder 
and demand с 
will fail, that men will reassert the 
to total masculinity (as opposed to the 
frilly-shit masculinity taught in Ameri- 
can classrooms). 

I wish I could be a role model for you 
guys this year, an example ofa man who 
knows who he is and holds on to his in- 
tegrity and doesn’t kowtow to the inces- 
sant and unreasonable demands of the 
scolding, prying, dominating, puritani- 
cal femmes in our lives. But I want to get 
laid, too, you know? 


— d 
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Sex appeal squared, Stash your cash In our hand- 
some chrome-finish Rabbit Head money clip backed 
with a spring-loaded clasp. Made in USA. 1%" x 11/2". 
RL7762 Playboy Money Clip $22 


Incredibly sheer in front, this sexy red lace teddy 
bares her backside with a teeny G-string and two 
tiny satin straps. Imported. Nylon, One size. 
RL8037 Red Hot Halter Teddy $29 


E 


When your Playmate drops by for a drink, tease her 
taste buds with martinis mixed in Playboy's metal 
shaker with an embossed Rabbit Head, then serve 
them in a pair of our 6 oz. glasses. Items not available 
separately. Imported. 

RL7066 Complete Martini Set $49.96 


^i 


NEW Whip up a night of holiday romance with this col- 
lection of favored creams, scented oiis and other erotic 
accessories, including a vibrator, a feather, a romance 
candle and black satin thongs for both of you. Imported. 
RL8210 Lust" Love & Romance Collection $42 


жы El 


EXCLUSIVE! The “I Read the Artidee” T-shirt lets ‘em 
know in no uncertain terms that even the homiest guys 
сап be well read and have a senee of humor. Imported. 
Cotton. М (36-38), L (40-42), XL (44), XXL(46). 

RL2313 “| Read the Articles” Tee 522 


NE 
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RL8212 Mantrsck Book $9.95 


lust like the popular Playboy column, the 


1 Dangle this Playboy delight from her wrist and 
it will always remind you of sex! Chain-linked sliver- 
tone bracelet and Rabbit Head charm with a pink 
rhinestone eye. Imported. One size fits all. 

RL7726 Rabbit Head Charm Bracelet $25 


To order by mail, send check or money order to: 
PLAYBOY 
P.O. Вох 809 
Source Code 09406 
Жазса, IL 60143-0809 
Add $7.95 shipping and handling charge per 
total order. Illinois residents add 6.75% sales 
tax. (Canadian orders accepted.) 


800-423-9494 


(Source Code 09406) or 


playboystore.com 


Most major credit cards accepted. 


«ә Еге. 


PAUL MASSON BRANDY 


‘| Good friends. Smooth times. 


AGED LONGER. TASTES SMOOTHER. 
Ple: ‘brandy responsibly, 


jase enjoy our bra 


ney...il’s personal 


Element of Surprise 


Honda designed the Element as a mobile crash pad. It sleeps two with the rear seats stowed against the interiar walls. Or stash a 10-foot 
surfboard, skis, bikes and snowbaards in its 76 cubic feet af cargo space. Composite bady panels are scratch-resistant. For beach bums, 
the seats are waterproof and the urethane-coated floor has a drain hole. Because the Element is built without a B-pillar (the piece af frame 
that's mounted vertically between door apenings), the side cargo daars have a 55-inch opening for easy loading. It also makes a great 
party spot. We drove an Element along California's Half Moon Bay and found its faur-cylinder 160 hp engine peppy as hell. (Both automat- 
ic and five-speed transmissions are available.) The Element comes in several configurations, but you'll want the EX model with four-wheel 
drive and removable skylight. Loaded, it's about $21,000. Yau bet the sound system plays MP3s. 


= 

“Toddy Training 
A hot taddy is the perfect oprés-ski worm-up, ond it also does 
wanders far a head cold. Here's how ta make o great one. Pour 
an ounce of brondy or whiskey and one teospaon of sugar into o 
mug. Fill the mug with bailing water. (Tip: If you're using a glass 
mug, preheat it first.) Twist a leman peel obove the taddy and drop 
itin. Our recipe is from Christapher O'Horo's Hot Taddies (Clork- 
son/Potter), which olsa offers recipes for glögg, hot-butiered rum, 
tom ond jerrys and other “soul-warming drinks." 


showtime “> 


We've discovered one more reason to come home to home 
theater. It's the Theater Choir from Salamander Designs in 
Sweden. We love the fine leather and cunning but comfy de- 
sign that adjusts to nine different positions. The footrest disop- 
pears when it's not in use. The chair's seat is generously pro- 
portioned but the chair doesn't overwhelm a room. Midnight 
black (above) ond cocoa brown are the shades of leather 
avoilable. Price: only $899, including a worranty. 


Toast of the Town 


Guys need two kitchen appliances: a coffeemaker and 
a toaster. Here's where we pop up. The new Rowenta 
Brunch (left, in o 


two-slice model) 
mokes breakfast 
a lot more fun. 
Its bogel func- 
tion toosts only 
the bagel’s cut 
side and a de- 
froster adjusts 
the toasting 
time to accom- 
modate frozen 
bread. Brunch 
doesn't do win- 
dows, but it 
does hove an 
eosy-to-empty, 
dishwosher-safe 
crumb tray. The 
price: $60, 
available in sev- 
erol colors. The 
steel model pictured here is $80. A four-slice model 
($150) offers all the features of the two-slicer, plus it 
can toast two different breads simultaneously. 


Clothesline: Slash 


The former guitarist for Guns г Roses (who now hos his own 
band, Slosh's Snakepit) says he's definitely not the foshion 
statement of the 
millennium. “My 
style is whatev- 

er looks cool and 

is casual enough 

to wear onstage 

or off. Maybe o 
leother jacket, cow- 
boy boots ond a 
T-shirt or a button- 
front shirt. Nothing 
extrovogont. No 
ties!” Onstage, 
Slosh likes o rhine- 
stone necklace fea- 
turing the letters 5 
and P which stand 
for Slash ond Perla, 
his wife and mother 
of his first child. Sil- 
ver skull pendants 
ore popular with 
him os well. "Not 
because of onything other thon they just lock cool. I like silver, 
that’s the main thing." His favorite designer? "My mom. Other 
thon her | never pay much attention to designers." 


Guys.Are Talking About. 


Getting organized. At least get your credit cards in order— 
and to help accomplish that there’s the Auto Card Manag- 
er, a pocket-size gizmo (below) that releases whatever 
credit card you choose (it holds six) at the push of a button, 
A money clip is attached to the back. Price: $40. Personal 
engraving is additional. ® Marseilles. France's second- 
largest city has been rediscovered, bringing an influx of 
artists, entrepreneurs and tourists. The 

food of Marseilles is cuisine du port, or 

seaport cuisine—exotic and earthy 

with its star dish, bouillabaisse. If - 

you can't visit Marseilles, there's 

Daniel Young's Made in Marseilles 

(Young was restaurant critic for 

the New York Daily News), a 


cookbook that celebrates the 


city's uniqueness with essays on 
the aperitif pastis, the outdoor 
bowling game pétanque and the 
history of the saffron trade. 
Price: $32.50. Harper Collins is 
the publisher, ® Jet lag. La 
Prairie, a spa in midtown Man- 
hattan’s Ritz-Carlton, offers “jet 
lag therapy” that includes an 
aromatherapy body massage, 
hand and foot reflexology and 
a facial, all conducted in a pri- 
vate room, of course. A 90- 
minute session costs $225, 

plus grati 


michael 7 


maa MYERS beyonot KNOWLES L 
AUSTIN PONE 


Buy ЇЇ now 
on VHS and 
infinifilm: DVD 
and let the party 

hegin! 


AER NU RE ПИКА ИЛИП WHALEN CIM 
(ЇЇ EE AO! SEL EME II 


ет Y CI ШЙ SIA ABS ШЕ WB ШШШ 
EE a ШИШ N ЖШ“ [ve E UG М ЙН TT 
SIT TT СҮТ] rec Oe SN D 


Шіге Playboy Advisor 


My girlfriend loves to dance. I don't, so 
I told her it was OK to dance with other 
guys when we go clubbing. However, 1 
didn't mean she could bump and grind. 
You know the kind of dancing I'm talk- 
ing about: The girl grinds her butt in the 
guy's crotch; when she's facing him, she 
grinds her coochie on his leg. Call me 
old-fashioned, but the way I see it, my 
girl is dry-humping a stranger. She says 
there’s nothing sexual about it, but when 
she does it to me, I get aroused. My girl- 
friend has never given me a reason not 
to trust her. She tells me that no matter 
what, she’s coming home with me. But if 
she has no problem dry-humping a guy 
in front of me, what is she doing when 
she's not with me? Am I being paranoid, 
or could this be an indication of infideli- 
1y?—R.M, Charleston, West Virginia 

Your girlfriend is frenking. It's all the 
rage. Her argument that it’s not sexual is 
naive, but it's a long way from cheating. А 
lot of guys find it a turn-on to watch their 
girlfriend teasing strangers. If you're not 
one of them, she should respect that. 


Who decides whether a porn star wears 
a condom? Every now and then you see 
a film in which every guy isn't wearing 
one. I know it's not because of the female 
stars, as I've seen the same women per- 
form with and without them. Can you 
explain?—5.G., Calgary, Alberta 

The industry had a scare a few years ago 
when at least seven performers tested positive 
Jor HIV. In response, large production com- 
panies such as Vivid and VCA went condom- 
only. Still, given the choice, only а few per- 
formers (about one in six, according to the 
‘Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foun 
dation) insist on condoms—those who don't 
get hazard pay and more work. The perform- 
ers who work bare comfort themselves with 
the idea that they're having sex within a rel- 
atively small group and that monthly HIV 
testing is mandatory. But there are other 
„AIM has seen an increasing number of 
cases of gonorrhea and chlamydia. The next 
time you watch sex performers work without 
a net, appreciate the risks they're taking for 
your arousal. 


In July ылувох ran a photo of a beauti- 
ful woman who was described as “hirsute 
Samantha.” How dare you! As an endo- 
crinologist, 1 know this girl is normal, 
as is any woman who doesn't shave her 
armpits, including the majority in Eu- 
rope and Latin America. Don't you и 
derstand that axillary hair represents in 
many ways a sample of what is in the 
crotch? That's something Spanish danc- 
ers know as they raise their arms. The 
Greek novelist Nikos Kazantzakis tells us 


about a sultan of old who chose his oda- 
lisque for the night by dipping a tip of 
his linen hankie in the lady's armpit and 
sniffing it. 1 published a short story re- 
cently in Americas Review in which the 
hero's sighting of the hairy a 
estranged girlfi s 
her —C.S., Chevy Chase, Maryland 
What can we say? The model is hirsute— 
and sexy, which is why we ran the photo 
There's something to be said for body hair. 
First, it captures pheromones. Second, И 
means she won't be borrowing your razor: 


About a year ago my wife started using 
unlubricated condoms with no spermi- 
cide when we had sex on Saturday morn- 
ings. After sex, she would leave in a hur- 
ry, saying that she had to go somewhere 
After several months I asked her what 
she was doing. She paraded three wom- 
en through the house in various stages 
of pregnancy and said she was helping 
them start families. Her idea was that 
she could be like a loving aunt or sister 
to the children. 1 would have been hap- 
py to help these women personally, but 
my wife said that would have been adul. 
tery. Since my wife donated my sperm, 


will 1 have to pay child support if one of 


these women goes to court to get it? Is 
this something that’s common—wom- 
en helping other women start families 
through their husbands?—W.C., Little 
Rock, Arkansas 

We suspect your letter is an attempt al hu- 
тоқ but there's a lesson in il. I'a child is cre- 
ated by deceit using your sperm—even if you 
weren't an active participant in the insemi- 
nation—a judge will still make you pay. 
We've never heard of an exception, regard- 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


less of the circumstances. Perhaps you should 
sell your story to the tabloids to finance your 
expanding family. 


ке noticed that it’s difficult to travel 
any great distance without looking as if 
you've slept in your clothes. I see many 
different materials used for making trav- 
el clothes. Which fabrics are most likely 
to come out of a suitcase looking reason- 
able?—L.H., Juneau, Alaska 

Polyester, rayon, wool and acrylic. But 
there's no need for a new wardrobe—just re- 
fine your packing technique. Ours is to roll 
our trousers, carefully fold our shirts and 
find а laundry when we arrive. We had a 
shirt pressed in Haly that looked so good ше 
were reluctant to wear И. 


My best friend gave me a massage. She 
rubbed and sucked my breasts and put 
her fingers inside me. This almost hap- 
pened once before, but she stopped her- 
self. This time 1 said it was OK. I like 
men, but I also enjoyed exploring my 
bi curiosity. Is it all right for two wom- 
en friends to have sex every so often?— 

K., Tampa, Florida 

OK by us. Personally, we're tri-curious 
Well try anything that involves two women. 


[just landed my first job. The office hol- 
Шау party is approaching and I'm ner- 
vous about it because Um afraid ГИ do 
something stupid. Any advice?—T.H., 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

If nobody did anything stupid at holiday 
parties, who would go? The best advice is 
lo limit your alcohol intake to that warm, 
friendly point just before you can't legally 
drive, and never get drunker than your bos: 
Consider it an opportunity to get la know co- 
workers who might become friends and per- 
haps help you advance (or keep you out of 
trouble). There's another benefit to attend- 
ing: A British newspaper surveyed 1000 
people and found that about 10 percent had 
started a relationship ata company holi- 
day party. In addition, five percent said they 
had removed some of their clothes. We'd 
guess many in the second group also belong 
to the first. 


My husband has an odd but wonderful 
talent. He can make his penis appear to 
sing by moving it in time to music. It 
cracks me up. In bed, he drives me wild 
when he makes his cock throb and twist 
while he's inside me. Is this commonz— 
S. T, Columbia, Illinois 

We tried it ance, but America’s Funniest 
Home Videos sent back the tape. Your hus- 
baud is onto something. Penis dancing is a 
greal way lo strengthen a guys PC muscle, 
which gives him more control and stamina. 


si 


PLAYBOY 


If he also can give his wife a laugh by doing 
it, all the better. She'll feel more relaxed, and 
her mouth will be open to drop a curtain on 
the show. 


Whar do you do when you have a best 
friend who is in love with you but you're 
falling in love with one of his friends?— 
VR., Duluth, Minnesota 

We wouldn't keep any secrets from either 
of them. What you might lose is offset by what 
you might gain. 


My wife wants to trade our king-size 
bed for two doubles. She says 1 move 
around too much and wake her up. She 
also complains that I wake her up when 
I get into bed. She says she loves me but 
just wants a good night's sleep. Do you 
have any suggestions?—R.G., Las Vegas, 
Nevada 

Many couples have trouble sleeping to- 
gether but feel that their marriage will suffer 
if they don't share a bed. That's probably 
true—your bed is а refuge where you сап 
discuss the day, make long-term plans, cri- 
tique your kids and learn to compromise. We 
know one couple who bought a mattress—the 
Tempur-Pedic—that helped solve a similar 
problem. It's made of a foam that conforms ta 
your body and reduces tossing and turning. 
The wife says her husband no longer wakes 
her when he climbs into bed and that he also 
moves around less during the night. First vis- 
it a sleep specialist to rule out sleep apnea or 
a movement disorder. 


Fm 21 and have been married for a year 
I love my husband, but he's the only per- 
son Гуе slept with. There's this hunk at 
work who wants to fuck me. | don't want 
to cheat, but 1 don't know if ГИ be able to 
help myself. Should I have sex with this 
guy so сап stop thinking about him all 
the time? And did I make a mistake in 
getting married so young?—J.M., Wau- 


‘sist this guy now? 
Sleep with him and see how bad it gets. Lust- 
ing for people besides your spouse is OK. The 
marriage changes on you respond to 
that lust. Ideally, you'd be able to go home, 
tell your husband about this hot guy (since 
he's felt the same way about other wom- 
еп and since he trusts you) then ride that 
energy into the bedroom. Perhaps he's ma- 
ture enough to do that, but we doubt your 
relationship is. In that sense, you married 
100 young. 


1 put an ad in an alternative weekly to 


тесі some new people, and every guy 1 
have had lunch with so far has been a 


Atlanta, Georgi 

Personal ads attract mostly misfits and 
cheaters, so it becomes a numbers game. 
Keep at it and you'll get better at screening 
prospects. For the big picture, pick up a copy 


52 of My 1000 Americans by Rochelle Morton 


(guys should read it as a primer on how not 
10 act). Morton placed an ad and shared а 
meal with every third guy who responded 
to it. She managed to meet several dozen 
nice guys, but mostly her book is a catalog of 
creeps. The most memorable was a married 
guy who brought along his four-year-old 
daughter. When he went to the rest room, the 
girl said her daddy wanted Morton to touch 
his pee-pee. When the guy returned, the girl 
blurted, "I said it, Daddy,” while he feigned 
ignorance. Morton says that if she had to do 
it again, she would be more specific in her ad 
and initial conversations about what kind 
of guy she hoped to meet. “If you go into the 
process with low expectations, you won't be 
disappointed,” she writes. “And you might 
hit the jackpot.” 


The answer you gave to a question in 
September about the reduction of vol- 
ume and force of ejaculate with age is 
dangerously misleading. It could well be 
that the inside of the prostate is being 
taken up with cancer. It happened to me 
at the age of 53. Get a checkup if any- 
thing changes.—G.k., Fort Worth, Texas 

Ws doubtful that a reduction in the force 
or volume of your ejaculation has anything 
to do with prostate cancer. It's more likely 
you'll experience pain or have difficulty uri- 
naling—and at that point it could be too 
late. That's why it’s important to have a rec- 
tal exam and/or blood test annually after 
you're 40, or earlier if you have a family his- 
tory of prostate or breast cancer. The Prostate 
Cancer Research Institute has a help line, 
310-743-2110. 


There is a hot girl who works ata phar- 
macy in my neighborhood. I want to get 
her phone number. My friend suggested 
that to break the ice, 1 
doms and her 
them. What do you think?—C.l 
go, Illi 
How often does your friend get laid? 1 
is a cold call, so we doubt she'll volunteer her 
number at the counter. There are a hundred 
ways to start a conversation. Compliment 
her, ask her about a TV show, a mag 
anything that might spark her interest. 
may need a few visits lo size you up, which is 
why it's great that she works at a drugstore— 
you'll always need something she's selling. 


Tam planning а trip to Nevada soon and 
would like to visit a brothel, Any advice 
timer? How much should 1 ех- 
ay? Would I do better to hire an 
escort? I don't want to get ripped off — 
M.R., Cleveland, Ohio 

We don't have much experience in this 
area, so we called a friend who hires an av- 
erage of three escorts a month and also has 
made several trips to Nevada brothels (he 
claims his hobby has done wonders for his 
lave life, since he no longer worries about 
getting laid and has more confidence when 
meeting women). Our buddy says the broth- 
ence is "like visiting a bar, except 


you know you're going to get fucked.” Once 
you arrive, greet the madam, have a drink, 
watch the game and meet the women on your 
own time. Expect to pay at least $400 an 
hour for the sex. You'll get a better deal hir- 
ing an escort in any major city, but you risk 
arrest and perhaps disease (legal prostitutes 
are tested regularly). Our friend pays about 
$300 an hour for women he rates as eights 
or nines. He finds them online; sites such as 
The i am allow you to search 
for 5 
breast size, piercings and other criteria, then 
read or post reviews. One tip: Put your cash 
in an envelope, leave it on the dresser and 
never discuss it. And one further note: Our 
friend is single. 


What is it about champagne that makes 
go straight to my head? 1 can barely 
drink two glasses before my husband 
tells me to slow down.—TY., Phoenix, 
Arizona 

An experiment conducted by researchers al 
the University of Surrey іп England con- 
firmed that bubbly champagne gets a person 
drunker faster, especially when you drink 
from a flute. No one is sure why, but one hy- 
pothesis is that the carbon dioxide in the bub- 
bles speeds up the absorption of the alcohol 
into the intestines. 


Aer 10 months of chatting online with 
a much younger woman in another state, 
we agreed that she would visit me with 
the express purpose of giving me the gift 
of being the first man to have sex with 
her. Our chats have been erotic and fun, 
so when the time comes for her visit I 
want to be ready. She says she's willing to 
try anything. Naturally I'm excited but 
also concerned about the anxiety and 
pain she might feel. I'd like to give her 
the most pleasure possible.—G.G., Eu- 
gene, Oregon 

That's a nice sentiment. Did you gel her 
badge number? Let's assume this is on the 
up-and-up, aud some uninhibited virgin of 
legal age can't wait to give her "gift" to a 
stranger т a strange land who's willing to 
send cash to pay for the trip (are we right?). 
You can't do much to prevent any pain she 
may feel except provide gobs of lube, use a 
condom and take il slow. It's going to be 
ward no matter how much you pre] 
Anxiety may affect you as much as her, espe- 
cially if our suspicions are correct and thei 
something fishy going on. 


АП reasonable questions from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquetle—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


the president's niece got treatment. 


I n January 2001, police arrested an 
accomplice to terror—Noelle Bush, 
the 24-year-old daughter of Florida 
Governor Jeb Bush and niece of new- 
ly appointed President George Bush. 
She had attempted, at 1:15 A.M., to fill 
a fraudulent prescription for the anti- 
anxiety drug Xanax at an all-night 
drugstore a few blocks from the Gov- 
ernor's Mansion in Tallahassee. 

The governor said he was “deeply 
saddened” by the arrest but that the 
public and media should butt out. 

Noelle Bush, a first-time offender, 
didn't get jail time. Instead, she at- 
tended a drug court, where a judge 
sentenced her to an inpatient treat- 
ment program. 

Six months later a staff worker at 
Orlando's Center for Drug-Free Liv- 
ing found Bush with unauthorized 
prescription drugs. A judge found her 
in contempt and jailed her for three 
days. This brought tears to the gover- 
nor's eyes. Не asked everyone to pray 
for his daughter. 

In September, a counselor at the 
center found a small rock of crack co- 
caine hidden in Noelle Bush's shoe. 
This time, for some reason, the staff 
did not call the police. Rather, anoth- 
er rehab patient alerted authorities. 

“A woman here was caught buying 
crack cocaine tonight,” she told a po- 
lice dispatcher. “A lot of the women 
are upset because she's been caught 
about five times. She does this all the 
time and gets out of it because she's 
the governor's daughter. We're sick 
of it because we have to do what's 
right, but she gets treated like some 
kind of princess. We're just trying to 
get our lives together, and this girl's 
bringing drugs onto the property." 

Bush was not arrested at the time 
because treatment center employees 
refused to give statements. 

Again, Governor Bush didn't want 
to discuss it. “This is a private issue 
that relates to my daughter, myself 
and my wife,” he s 

“That's convenient. But the war on 
drugs is anything but a private issue. 
Thousands of people have been sent 
to prison for abusing drugs; it’s esti- 
mated that in Florida, 10,000 nonvio- 
lent offenders are jailed each year in- 
stead of receiving treatment. Noelle 


Bush was one of the lucky ones, ap- 
parently. She received 10 days in jai 
for being found with crack, then re- 
turned to the center. 

Instead of getting a helping hand, 
most addicts are called names. The 
Bush family’s stance has been un- 
equivocal: Drug users support ter 
Noelle's uncle George believes it 
you quit drugs, you're joining the 
fight against terrorism in America”) 
and the public service ads champi- 
oned by the White House reinforce 
the message. The Drug Enforcement 


Administration in September opened 
an exhibit called Target America: Traf- 
fickers, Terrorists and You that includ- 
ed, shamefully, a piece of the World 
‘Trade Center. 

Two years ago in California, voters 
approved a proposition calling for 
nonviolent drug offenders to be sent 
to treatment after their first two arrests 
if they were not involved in any other 
criminal activity. Those who did not 
succeed in treatment would be 
fered alternatives, not including j 
To reduce waiting lists, the measure 


lucky her 


doubled state funding for treatment. 
Asimilar initiative passed in Arizo- 
na in 1996 went under review by the 
state supreme court there in 1999. It 
concluded that the program saves the 
state at least $6 million each year in 
prison costs; the price of treatment is 
covered by an alcohol tax. 

If ac п Florida can gather 
488,722 signatures in time, residents 
there will vote in November 2004 on 
a ballot measure called the Right to 
Treatment and Rehabilitation for Non- 
violent Drug Offenses. It would offer 
treatment to first- and second-time 
offenders, as well as offenders who 
have gone five years without appear- 
ing in court. A professional would de- 
termine treatment, which would be 
capped at 18 months. 

1f passed, the initiative would give 
many thousands more people arrested 
each year in Florida the same oppor- 
tunity Noelle Bush got. But Governor 
Bush, along with his attorney general 
and the state police, opposes the mea- 
sure and asked the Florida Supreme 
Court to strike it down. (The court 
approved the wording of the initia- 
tive by a 4-3 vote.) The governor lat- 
er fought to downplay the results of a 
study that showed the measure could 
save the state $55 million per year in 
prison costs; his office wants the ballot 
to describe the savings as “unknown.” 

Bush says that he opposes 
the measure because “to 
suggest there should be 
no penalties for contin- 

ued drug use is to stick our 
heads in the sand." He calls the initia- 
tive "confusing" but seems to be one 
of the few people confused by it. His 
drug czar has mocked the i; n 
the Right to Abuse Drugs in Florida 
the same propaganda that came out 
of strategy meetings at the Florida De- 
partment of Law Enforcement. 

The Florida Alcohol and Drug 
Abuse Association fears the initiative 
will overwhelm the system at the 
same time the governor has fought to 
cut treatment budgets to balance the 
state's budget. Yet there always seems 
to be money for prisons. 

We hope Noelle Bush continues to 
get the help she needs. Pray for ev- 
eryone else. 


54 


n weeks of the planes 
striking the World Trade 
Center, Ronald Ferry, an 


observant hotel security guard, told the 
feds he had found an aviation radio in- 
side an Egyptian student's room that. 
overlooked the twin towers. He had 
been doing an inventory of belongings 
left behind by guests forced to evacuate 
during the attack. He said he'd found 
the transceiver, a device that allows pi- 
lots to communicate air-to-air and air-to- 
ground, in a safe in the student's room. 

The feds moved quickly, first hold- 
ing the student, Abdallah Higazy, as a 
material witness. Higazy spent a month 
in jail but volunteered to take a poly- 
graph. According to the FBI, during 
the polygraph exam the student con- 
fessed. Then they charged 
him with perjury when he 
denied owning the radio. 

Bur there was a problem. 
Ferry had made up the sto- 
ry about finding the radio 
in Higazy's room. His law- 
yer says that his client was 
"caught up in the atmo- 
sphere after September 11," 
that “he thought he was 
being a good citizen. He 
thought he was helping get 
the people we wanted to 
believe are responsible for 
this act.” A court sentenced 
the guard to six months of 
weekends in jail. Ж 

So һе was overzealous. $ 
No doubt the same can be 
said about the FBI agent who obtained 
the false confession. According to The 
New York Times, Higazy says the agent 
threatened his family's safety if he did 
not confess. So confess he did, saying 
that he had found the device in а sub- 
way station, that he had found it under 
the Brooklyn Bridge, that he had sto- 
len it from the Egyptian Air Corps. 

It took almost year for the details 
of this story to emerge. Higazy would 
have made a great witness at the vari- 
ous hearings on Attorney General John 
Ashcroft's proposed Operation Ter- 
rorism Information and Prevention 
System. According to the attorney gen- 
eral, the war on terrorism called for 
extraordinary measures. The govern- 
ment needed the eyes, ears, cell phones 
and e-mail of John Q. Citi 


"tradition. | 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


The New York Times summarized TIPS 
with a headline that read LOOK OUT CIT- 
IZEN SNOOPS WANTED (CALL TOLL-FREE). 

The Justice Department wanted me- 
ter readers, truck drivers, letter carri- 
ers, cable guys, maids, pizza delivery 
dudes and other workers whose jobs 
routinely take them through the na- 
tion's neighborhoods to report signs of 
terrorism to a national hotline. Ash- 
croft staged a full frontal assault, ap- 
pearing on a special edition of America's 
Most Wanted. Host John Walsh urged 
viewers to call in tips on the “cowards,” 
“dogs” and “psychos” respon 
terrorist attacks. The show received ap- 
proximately 1300 tips. 

Ashcroft dusted off existing idle net- 
works and offered three-year visas to 
immigrants who joined the 
Responsible Cooperator's 
Program. The bonus for 
turning in visiting terrorists 
even had a special name— 
the S Visa (short, no doubt, 
for snitch visa). Congress 
voted additional funds for 
pay-as-you-go informants 
(the state department had a 
bounty program in the mil- 
lions—one such reward led 
to the capture of the terror- 
ist who planned the first 
WTC bombing in 1993). 

And the appeals seemed 
to reap immediate results. 
In a press conference held 
two months into the war on 
terror, Ashcroft announced 
the government had already charged 
93 evildoers. The roundup included 20 
men apprehended for obtaining false 
driver's licenses, specifically those that 
would allow them to carry hazardous 
materials. The men were Iraqis with no 
known links to Al Qaeda. They had 
been turned in by one of their own. The 
so-called terrorists were just friends 
struggling to make a living. A disgrun- 
Цей former employee of the Pennsylva- 
nia Department of Transportation had 
been selling fake licenses. 

Cultivating citizen spies is an Amer- 
ican tradition. The Espionage Act of 
1917 inspired a homegrown gestapo 
called the American Protective League, 
some 250,000 citizens in at least 600 
cities and towns. This bit of informa- 
tion comes from the office of Senator 


|F o R u m т 
ISNITCH, INC. 


what's wrong with John Ashcroft’s TIPS program? 


Patrick Leahy, who sent a press release 
describing the precedent: “The APL 
spied on workers and unions in thou- 
sands of industrial plants with detense 
contracts and organized raids on Ger- 
man-language newspapers. Members 
of the league used such methods as tar- 
ring and feathering, beatings and forc- 
ing those who were suspected of disloy- 
alty to kiss the flag.” Alter the war, the 
New York Bar Association said of the 
group: “No other 
one cause con- 
tributed so much 
to the oppression 
of innocent men 
as the systematic 
and indiscrimi- 2 
nate agitation 
against what was 
claimed to be an all-pervasive system of 
German espionage." 

During World War II, J. Edgar Hoo- 
ver recruited an estimated 60,000 vol- 

unteers, mostly 


from the American Legion, to provide 
surveillance. Th I-appointed pa- 
triots were to glean information about 
subversive activities. Not surprisingly, 
sex that did not fit with Hoover's idea 
of morality was one such activity. Into 
the files went information that so-and- 
so liked to walk around his house in the 
nude, that Senator X liked boys, that 
W.C. Fields had paintings of Eleanor 
Roosevelt that, when viewed upside 
down, revealed her sexual organs. 
Important stuff. Vital to national se- 
curity. The FBI used the material in 
the raw files to maintain its power, to 


punish its enemies and to root out in- 
stances of nonconformity. 

The fascination with sexual informa- 
tion from snitches continued through 
the Sixties at the FBI. Some of the mess 
created by a network of informers is 
just coming to light: Hoover, accord- 
ing to documents obtained by the San 
Francisco Chronicle, became interested 
in California campuses in 1959, after 
being shown an essay question on a 
University of California aptitude test 
that asked, "What are the dangers to a 
democracy of a national police organi- 
zation, like the FBI, which operates 
secretly and is unresponsive to public 
criticism?” 

By 1960 the feds had compiled files 
on UC faculty members that included 


information on “illicit love affairs, ho- 
mosexuality, sexual perversion, exces- 
sive drinking or other instances of 
conduct reflecting mental instabili- 
ty.” According to documents obtained 
under the Freedom of Information 
Act, the FBI had a list of 72 faculty 
members, students and employees who 
were to be detained without warrant 
during a crisis. Even then, the FBI 
wanted secret hearings or none at all. 
Informants have played pivotal roles 
in the history of law enforcement. It 
can be argued that without cooperative 
citizens, the FBI would be just another 


three-letter bureaucracy. To witness: 

* john Dillinger might still be rob- 
bing banks (albeit with a walker or ina 
wheelchair) were it not for the Lady in 
Red, who turned informant to escape 
INS problems. 

* The Unabomber would still be send- 
ing exploding mail if not for his broth- 
er's suspicions. 

© The wife and son of Randy Weaver 
would sull be alive. After failing to re- 
cruit Weaver as a possible informant 
against the Aryan Nations, the feds 
made him a target. A paid informant 
set a trap, persuaded Weaver to sell 
him two sawed-off shotguns, then told 
the BATE. After a long stakeout, feds 
killed Weaver's wife and son. 

* Similarly, informants in Waco told 
the government that 
members of the reli- 

gious compound 

headed by David Ko- 
resh liked to read 
gun magazines; 
stockpile 
black pow- 
der, grenade 
casings and 
automatic 
weapons; 


and abuse children and, what's more, 
were contemplating mass suicide. The 
feds took care of that problem. 

People have always called the FBI to 
report things like suspicious packages. 
According to one report, between Jan- 
uary | and September 10, 2001, the 
bureau responded to about 300 tips. 
Following the events of September 11, 
the phone calls rose to 54,000, some 
14,000 of which were actually investi- 
gated. In April and May of last year, the 
FBI received 225,000 tips by e-mail, 
180,000 tips by telephone. One can al- 
most picture the shell-shocked agents, 


sitting at banks of telephones like vol- 
unteers on a Jerry Lewis telethon. 

There are only 11,000 FBI agents, 
and they were so overworked that they 
overlooked the tips of professionals, 
fellow agents who thought the activi- 
ty at flight training schools was suspi- 
cious, or who wanted to examine the 
hard drive on Zacharias Moussaoui's 
computer. Of course, they also whined 
that their computers couldn't talk to 
each other, making it difficult to share 
information—perhaps because 317 of 
the bureau's 15,000 laptops are miss- 
ing, along with about 400 weapons. 
Where's a snitch when you need one? 
Of course, the power of informants can 
be gauged by the consequences of ig- 
noring a tip. Robert Hanssen, the FBI 
agent who spied for the Russians, man- 
aged to betray his country for more 
than a decade because the FBI turned 
а cold shoulder to the alarm of the 
spy's brother-in-law. 

Better to act than not. When an at- 
tentive woman reported that she had 
overheard a trio of Middle Eastern 
men plotting at a Shoney's in Calhoun, 
Georgia, the authorities moved swiftly. 
The terrorists were me: 1 students 
on their way to a hospital in Florida. 

Acting on a tip from a priest, the FBI 
rounded up Muhammad Butt, a 55- 
year-old Pakistani living in Queens, 
New York. The priest told agents that 
neighbors had seen suspicious vans 
outside the Butt residence. The neigh- 
bors also said the terrorists-next-door 
did not cut the grass and never said 
hello and they "hang their laundry— 
even their underwear—on the fence. 
Who docs that?" 

During his short stint in jail, Butt re- 
peatedly asked for medical assistance. 
Before he could confess to anything 
useful, the notorious underwear laun- 
derer suffered a heart attack and died. 
The government, as it has done with so 
many of the 1200 immigrants rounded 
up on such tips, pointed out that Butt 
was a confirmed scofilaw (guilty of over- 
staying his visa). 

The authorities had administered 
health care, ofa sort. They had swabbed 
Butt's nasal cavity. News that the pris- 
on dentist had given Butt treatment for 
gingivitis prompted a website in Israel 
to report that, according to its sourc- 
es, civilians used as terrorist mules to 
transport radioactive material for dirty 
bombs had been known to contract 


It's not the snitch program that both- 
ers us; nosy neighbors are a fact of life. 
It's the well-meaning agencies that act 
on bad information that wreck lives. 


R E 


FREE SPEECH, OR NOT? 

In “You Be the Judge И” (The 
Playboy Forum, October), Chip 
Rowe describes artist Ronald 
White's struggle against per- 
secution in South Carolina, 
where authorities arrested and 
convicted him of illegal tattoo- 
ing. I co-authored an amicus 
brief about White’s U.S. Su- 
preme Court case on behalf of 
the National Tattoo Association 
and the Alliance of Professional 
Tattooists. As stated in your ar- 
ticle, the South Carolina Su- 
preme Court claimed that the 
process of tattooing is not “suf 
ficiently communicative” to 
warrant protection under the 
First Amendment. But if pro- 
tections extend only to the cre- 
ation of artwork that is commu- 
nicative, art that is not easily 
understood is vulnerable to 
censorship. 

The chief opponent of legal- 
ized and regulated tattooing in 
South Carolina has been state 
senator Jake Knotts. On numer- 
ous occasions, Senator Knotts 
has said he supports the state 
law that bans tattooing because 
his interpretation of Leviticus 
19:28 (“Ye shall not make any 
cuttings in your flesh for the 
dead, nor print any marks up- 
оп you”) is that tattooing is im- 
moral. Knotts has said, “If God 
wanted you to have a tattoo, he 
would have put your name on 
you. You either believe in the Bi- 
ble or not.” Unfortunately for 


h m 
FOR THE RECORD 


“Def 
ju 


Knotts and the state supreme 
court, tattooing is protected speech al- 
most everywhere else in the country, 
and you either believe in the Constitu- 
tion or not. 
Marc Harrold 
Memphis, Tennessee 


Your article insults Mary Lewis be- 
cause she has ARYAN-I on her license 
plate. According to you, she “looks like 
an asshole” because she is proud to be 
of the Caucasian race. Oddly enough, 
in response in the same issue to a letter 
from ablack reader from Berkeley who 
wrote to correctly accuse PLAYBOY of be- 
ing filled with liberal bullshit, the most 
insulting response you could come up 
with was “You live in Berkeley?” You 
know who the assholes are? PLaysoy's 


editors, because you don't have the 
balls to insult a black man from Berke- 
ley but think it's OK to insult the lady 
from Missouri. 


John Schueler 
Oceanside, California 
You live in California? 


Em in a similar position to the wom- 
an in Missouri who fought to keep her 
ARYAN-I vanity license plates. My name 
is Glenn Dick. 1 am trying to get vani 
ty tags that read IMADICK from the Ida- 
ho Department of Transportation. The 
DMV rejected my request, saying the 
plate would offend people. Unfortu- 
nately, 1 don't have the money to fight. 
Every time | get into the car and start 
driving, 1 see my First Amendment 


JUDGE HOLDS COURT 


rights disappearing in my rear 
view mirror. 
Glenn Dick 
Boise, Idaho 


I shake my head whenever 
someone says we have the right 
to free speech. “You Be the 
Judge 11” proves that it has be- 
come more a privilege than a 
right. Take some of the weird 
situations you described. It's 
not OK to tattoo another con- 
senting adult but it is OK to 
photograph someone without 
their consent as they walk into 
an abortion clinic, then post the 
images on the Internet 

Marco Secch 
San Jose, California 


In October you wrote about 
the new Indiana law that fines 
telemarketers who call resi- 
dents whose names are on a 
state-run “no-call” list. When 
the law passed 1 immediately 
added my name to the list. You 
can't possibly know how much 
quieter it is in my home. Геп- 
courage your readers to read 
about some of the secrets tele- 
marketers don't want you to 
know at antitelemarketer.com. 
The site offers great advice 

Todd Wilson 
Indianapolis, Indiana 


PUBLIC DEFENSE 

Areader responding in Octo- 
ber to Chip Rowe's "False Jus- 
tice” (The Playboy Forum, July) 
commented: “Jus ends with 
the first person to run out of moncy. 
Those without it end up with public 
defenders, and judges are never eager 
to appoint anyone who might be de- 
scribed as ‘overzealous. asser- 
tion incorrectly implies that a judge ap- 
points public defenders. In most large 
Jurisdictions, the government hires a 
public defender corporation and the 
top man in the office assigns lawyers 
who work for the corporation to de- 
fend cases. He tries to assign the most 
experienced lawyers to the most diffi- 
cult cases. 

Most public defender offices are staffed 
by committed career lawyers, just like 
those who choose to work as prosecu- 
tors. That good lawyers choose careers 
as both defenders and as prosecutors 


helps make the justice system work. 
Only when you have skilled advocates 
on both sides of an issue can a jury or 
judge come to a proper conclusion. As 
we've seen in many high-profile cases, 
if a suspect is left without a competent 
defender, the police will lie and cheat 
their way to a conviction. 

‘The reader did hit on an important 
point: money. Judges in some jurisdic- 
tions have to approve expenditures 
made by public defenders for investi- 
gators, rape kits, travel expenses, etc. 
Prosecutors are able to spend whatever 
money they have in their budgets and 
may spend as they choose without a 
judge's approval. In most cases, public 
defenders end up with far less money 
for investigators than the prosecution. 
The playing field isn't level. But it is 
not the fault of the career professionals 
who represent defendants. We're lucky 
that we have them. Shakespeare wrote, 
“The first thing we do, let's kill all the 
lawyers.” But the character who ut- 
tered that line was a dictatorial mobster 
trying to overthrow a democratic gov- 
ernment. He wanted to kill the lawyers 
because the lawyers were the only ones 
who knew how to speak up against and 
stop dictators, or a police state. 

Timothy Davis 
Columbus, Ohio 


SEX SELLS 

“Selling Sex?” described the religious 
rights war against risqué advertising 
(The Playboy Forum, October). When 1 
was living in Illinois, I would often 
read about the Reverend Donald Wild- 
mon and his American Family Associa- 
tion in local papers. Since 1 moved to 
Florida, the only time I read about his 
antics are when PLAYBOY gives him a 
forum. Without your fetish for bash- 
ing Wildmon, he'd never reach such 
a large audience. Wildmon apparently 
knows exactly how to pull your chain 
and get free national advertising. How 
much do you charge other people for 

ad space? 
William Broderick 

Tampa, Florida 

What are you willing to pay? We could 
say something clever like: “If a pious, self- 
righteous moral twit like the Reverend Wild- 
mon didn't exist, we would have to invent 
him." But he does exist, and keeping an eye 
on those who work the bully pulpit is part of 
our beat. We were surprised to find him still 
fleecing the faithful. Recently, he's been 
knocking off NPR affiliates to build a radio 


empire. When was the last lime you listened 
1o All Things Considered? 


EVIL EYE 

PLAYBOY took an unfair slam in a col- 
umn by Wendy Victoria in Fort Walton 
Beach's Northwest Florida Daily News. 
The columnist discussed how upset she 
had become when she spotted a mid- 
dle-school student wearing shorts and 
a string bikini top on the side of a busy 
road. The girl was holding a sign pro- 
moting a car wash to raise money for 
her school. This upset the columnist 
because “this world is just a little too 
scary, a little too populated with people 
who get their jollies off underage girls. 
I'm not just talking about the almost 
200 registered sex offenders and pred- 
ators in Okaloosa County. I'm talking 
about men who buy PLAYBOY or Pent- 
house, or worse. Men who like their mov- 
ies with an X rating. Men who are too 


FORUM F.Y.I. 


old to read the fine print on the Viagra 
bottle but young enough to fantasize 
about one last go-around with a beauti- 
ful young girl. I'm even talking about 
perfectly normal, perfectly nice men.” 
So PLAYBOY readers aren't normal, 
nice guys? I've been reading the maga- 
zine for more than 30 years and I don't 
believe I fit into any of Victoria's less- 
than-complimentary categories. 
Name withheld 
Fort Walton Beach, Florida 
Nor do we. Most PLAYBOY readers would 
never let schoolchildren touch their cars. 
That's a job reserved for women of legal age 
who happen to be topless. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province. 


As part of a citywide festival, Baltimore’s Otfice/ot Promotion aríd the. 
Arts asked “billboard liberator" Ron English to contribute Өле of his sig- 
nature pieces. His past creations have included billboards with Slogans, 
such as "Jihad Is Over! (If You Want 1t) or spoof ads tor Squirrel Squirt. 
Beer, the All-OJ Channel and a film called Barney vs: Godzilla. English 
erected the billboard seen above left on/a/ busy Street. /Fhe city jmmedit 
ately received complaints; the arts office suggésted English take down’ 
the work to prevent it from beirig vandalized, He declined; instead asking 
that city officials give his number to anyoné whe çomplájñed. (English 
says only “incomprehensible loons" contacted hima Abput 18 days Jalen 
a vandal destroyed the work with white paint. and а city crbw toók ft dowrt; 


57 


58 


what they don't know could hurt you 


counselor has some conservative, 

misguided or just plain inaccurate 
ideas about sex, you might want to ask 
if she watches The Oprah Winfrey Show 
or the newly syndicated Dr. Phil. The 
daily talkathons are a veritable foun- 
tain of sexual fear, prejudice, harsh 
judgment and male-bashing. 

Oprah doesn't seem to know that peo- 
ple can be happy with sex that is un- 
predictable, casual, sloppy or nasty. In- 
stead, her show features a parade of 
misfits who try to get sex cleaned up so 
we can all enjoy some tidy, wholesome 
version of it. 

You can't talk about Oprah without 
mentioning her alter ego, psychologist 
Phil McGraw (a.k.a. Dr. Phil). In what 
looks like an actual case of elusive pe- 
nis envy, the worshipful diva finishes 
his sentences, predicts what he will do 
and ejaculates over his power ("That's 
good, Phil, that is good. Bring it on, 
Phil!”). They are a perfectly matched 
pair, sharing simplistic feelings and 
squeamish judgments. McGraw gives 
Oprah's moralism a psychological ve- 
neer and without any apparent self- 
consciousness tells people what's nor- 
mal, acceptable or swinish 

After thousands of shows with hun- 
dreds of handpicked "sexperts" (whose 
expertise is usually limited to explain- 
ing how men hurt women), what do 
Oprah and Dr. Phil believe about sex? 
Here's the dirt: 

(1) Men always want sex. 

When it comes to sex, Oprah be- 
lieves that men are like ATMs—ready 
to go 24 hours a day, rain or shinc. 
When she read mail from viewers com- 
plaining about their husbands’ lack of 
interest, she was surprised—" Hard to 
believe," she said. "We thought, you 
know, men always wanted it." Dr. Phil 
also finds it hard to believe. When con- 
fronted with a man named Robert, 
who doesn't want sex with his wife, Phil 
says, “It’s just not natural that you're 
lying there thinking about work or 
something. What is it you don't like 
about sex?” And to help Rod, another 
man whose wife felt sexually deprived, 
Phil played to the audience. “Are you 
some kind of weirdo?” 

‘True to his ignorance, Dr. Phil reit- 


|| f your girlfriend, wile or marriage 


By MARTY KLEIN 


erates the point when the shoe is on 
the other foot. In an episode that's 
standard talk-show fare, Jeremy wants 
more sex than his wife. She says she 
hesitates to cuddle because Jeremy will 
jump her bones. This makes perfect 
sense to Dr. Phil, who asks him, "Aren't 
you pretty much like a crazed dog at 
that point?” 

(2) Sometimes you need to have sex 
when you don’t want to. 

Many couples face the issue of one 
partner's being far more interested 
in sex than the other is. Sex therapists 


Oprah doesn't seem to 
know that people can 
be happy with sex that 
is unpredictable, casu- 


al, sloppy or nasty. 


universally report that this is the most 
difficult professional problem they see, 
and that only a fraction of such cases 
have successful outcomes. 

In contrast, Oprah believes desire is 
a choice, and a change in desire is a 
simple option: “Know that you can ful- 
fill your partner's wants,” she says on 
her website. “But by prioritizing your 
needs alone, you're making the con- 
scious decision to not fulfill his or her 
wants. Talk about both of your needs 
and wants. Find the middle ground.” 

Problem solved. 

Dr. Phil uses the blunt-ax approach 
to discrepancies of desire, which has 
been discredited by most sex thera- 
pists. He uses guilt (“Is her happiness 
important to you?”) and the myth that 
you can will sexual desire (“You have to 
say, ‘I want to look at Jeremy's needs 
as legitimate and I want to ask myself, 
Is there something I can do to meet 
those?””). And if these techniques don't 
work, there is always more guilt: Chil- 


dren need to see their parents happy 
and feeling close, so in order to be 
good parents, couples should have sex 
even if they don't want to. 

And, yes, the "compromise" that's 
discussed so breezily is that one person 
should have sex he or she doesn't want, 
while the other doesn't get the quantity 
or quality of sex he or she wants. 

(3) Once people get "enough" sex, 
their high level of desire declines. 

In Oprah's world, high sexual desire 
is an embarrassing condition—like 
pimples—to be fixed so life can 
sume. Dr. Phil seems to think sex drive 
is like hunger for food: Once you get 
enough, your appetite fades. This is 
convenient if you're married to some- 
one who doesn't want sex as much as 
you do. But for those people who enjoy 
sex, the more they have, the more they 
want. In that respect, sex is less like 
food and more like, well, enjoyable sex. 

Here's Dr. Phil trying to convince a 
high-desire spouse that getting laid 
once or twice will pretty much solve ev- 
erything: "Once you kind of feel like 
you're not being deprived, you'll calm 
down, and things will be something 
you can both live with." 

(4) American culture respects male 
sexuality more than female sexuality. 

Oprah tells the astounding untruth 
that physicians pay more attention to 
the sexual aspects of prostate surgery 
than to those of hysterectomy (while 
she forgets to tell us that far more men 
die from prostate cancer than women 
from uterine cancer). She doesn't say 
things like, "Look how brave men are— 
they're willing to get shots in their pe- 
nises to geterections,” or “Think about 
all the poor men who are lied to by part- 
ners who fake orgasms.” 

Instead, we get Dr. Phil's gender- 
deprecating humor, in which he puts 
himself in the same pathetic category 
as the rest of us. He loves to say, “Men 
don't get it, but we are trainable.” Is he 
pandcring to an audience that’s pri- 
marily female, or is he just pandering 
to the woman who made his career? 

(5) Men feel less pressure and are 
less emotional about sex than wom- 
en are. 

Male sexuality as discussed by Oprah 
and her gang is barely recognizable. 


Performance anxiety? Feelings? These 
are abstractions, popping up on the 
show as cameos. Taking men’s feelings 
seriously would make men too much 

h would challenge the 
Mars-Venus point of Oprah's empire. 
Oprah doesn't want men and women 
to earth and discovering 


(6) Monogamy is the only healthy 
kind of sexual relationship. 

The issue of sexual exclusivity is so 
evident (or so upsetting?) to Dr. Phil 
that he doesn't even pretend to be po- 
lite about it. When one Oprah caller 
told him that her boyfriend “feels we 
need to be sexually active with other 
couples,” he exploded. “Are you in- 
sane? Kick his ass to the curb. In order 
to be in this relationship, you have to 
whore yourself and screw his friends? 
Any guy that's asking you to do that 
is disrespecting you.” Calling the boy- 
friend “a loser” and “slime,” Dr. Phil 
saw the situation clear- 
ly: There was one rea- 
sonable person and one 
bad person. 

Would he say that 
women who don't want 
monogamy are slime? 
What would he say to 
the many American 
couples who happily 
swing each month: that 
the partners should 
separate, so that each 
can find somebody 
healthy with whom 
they can be frustrated? 

(7) Sincere people 
have no need for sexu- 
al privacy. 

For viewers playing 
along on the home version of Oprah, 
there's even a little test to determine 
if something that you or your partner 
has done counts as infidelity: "Would 
you do it with your partner standing 
right there?” Clearly, people in serious 
relationships shouldn't need any pri- 
vate erotic life. Dr. Phil tells us that 
“most women say it’s insulting” for their 
partner to look at pLayBov, and that 90 
percent of men would say “it would be 
too embarrassing to be looking at it with 
her standing there.” If this is true (and 
don't you doubt it?), an experienced 
sex therapist would see the juxtaposi- 
tion as creating teachable moments—a 
chance for couples to understand each 
other better, maybe even improve their 
sexual relationship. Dr. Phil sees it as a 
chance to moralize, to identify the per- 
son who is wrong and to restore un- 
healthy entwinement, eliminating pri- 
vacy and dignity in the process. 


(8) Looking at porn is a form of infi- 
delity—and women don't do it. 

Dr. Phil and Oprah know where they 
stand on porn—they hate it, and they 
shame the people on the show who ad- 
mit they enjoy it. Dr. Phil sounds gen- 
uinely confused (and angry) about why 
anyone would use porn. “She's in the 
flesh lying there, and you're in another 
room on a computer screen with some 
strange woman?" 

Dr. Phil says he doesn't want to get 
hung up on semanucs but also says that 
“turning away from your partner to 
meet sexual needs is infidelity.” This, 
of course, makes the majority of mar- 
ried men unfaithful—the kind of belief 
that’s good for business if you're Oprah 
or Dr. Phil. 

How does viewing pornography ac- 
tually affect relationships? We can't say 
for sure, though it certainly depends 
on the people involved. There's a com- 
mon idea that men don't have sex with 


their vives because they're satiated 
from jacking off to porn. The truth is, 
some men want little or no sex with 
their wives, and they enjoy masturbat- 
ing to porn. 

Despite his lack of data or theory, Dr. 
Phil presses on: On Oprah's website, 
Dr. Phil states that a wife shouldn't 
accept the excuse "Everybody looks at 
porn" or “It's just the Internet.” Не 
ought to know better: These are not 
excuses, they re facts. And people who 
use facts aren't necessarily in denial. 
They may be attempting to have a pro- 
ductive conversation. 

(9) Most men cheat—and they rare- 
ly change, 

Oprah's been talking about this one 
for years, and her unrelenting passion 
for it sure looks like she’s working out 
some persistent inner demons. 

She opened a show by asking the au- 
dience: “True or false: Once a cheater, 


always a cheater. What do you think 

In unison, the congregation chanted 
back to her the solemn testimony of 
the Church of Oprah: “True!” Oprah 
doesn't feel alone in her tribulation, 
though. Women are, she says, “a big 
old cheated-on club out there.” If look- 
ing at porn is infidelity, that club is in- 
deed enormous. As Oprah says, “Inter- 
net infidelity is huge in this country. If 
it hasn't happened to you, you know 
somebody to whom it has happened 

Although every sex survey indicates 
that women cheat, too, such women are 
rarely seen on the show. In Oprah's 
world, infidelity, just like jock itch 
a man's disease. Unlike jock itch, it's 
incurable. 

(10) It’s easy to know what's sexual- 
ly normal. Moreover, the “abnormal” 
partner is always at fault when there's 
conflict and must change. 

“This behavior is not OK—it's not 
even almost OK.” This is one of Dr. 
Phil's favorite expres- 
sions. It shows his ab- 
solutist approach, in 
which every problem 
is a dichotomy and 
all questions have an- 
swers. Dr. Phil confi- 
dently reveals who is 
wrong and what they 
must change, making 
the world seem simple 
and under control. He 
tells one wife, “This 
is a perverse and ri- 
diculous intrusion in- 
to your marriage. ГЕ 
plain that his viewi 
of pornography is ae 
solutely, unequivocally 

= unacceptable and that 
you will not allow it for one more п 
ute of one hour of one day. He needs 
to get some help because that's a sick 
and perverse priority.” 

The husband's needs, obviously, do 
not count, and Phil's platitudes about 
couples working together are revealed 
as meaningless. Dr. Phil's mission: 
Find the bad guy and then force him to 
change—and encourage the innocent 
victim to threaten to leave the relation- 
ship. In case there is any question 
about power coming from victim: 
tion, here's Dr. Phil talking to a hus 
band whose wife busted him for ogling 
a co-worker and giving her massages: 
“You don't get to decide whether it's a 
misdemeanor or a felony. She gets to 
decide that.” 


Marty Klein is a sex therapist based in 
Palo Alto, California and the publisher of 
Sexual Intelligence (sexualintelligence.org). 


59 


60 


N E W 


[Forum| 
SFR 


O NT 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


ROAD PORN = 


HIGH POINT. NORTH CAROLINA—A cop 
on patrol noticed the four occupants of a 
Lincoln Navigator watching a movie on 
two video monitors installed in the SUV 


(one adrop-down and the other in the back 
of a headrest). The officer followed the ve- 
hicle and, watching through the open back 
hatch, realized the video was a porn mov- 
ie. He arrested the driver and three pas- 
sengers, ages 17 to 21, on felony charges 
of disseminating obscenity. One passen- 
ger complained that the adult movie, Long 
Dark Shadow, “wasn't nothing freaky. It 
was just a litile bit of getting it on.” 
SACRAMENTO— Tivo women who say that 
they were molested decades ago by priests 
called a church-sponsored hotline to те- 
quest counseling. The person who took the 
call questioned them at length. Only later 
did the callers learn that the line is staffed 
by a lawyer and that their conversations 
were shared with diocese officials. The dio- 
cese says it hired the lawyer “because of her 
skills as a mediator and a listener.” The 
two women sued the diocese and the lawyer 
for fraud, negligence and emotional dis- 
tress but offered to drop their action if the 
diocese shut down the hotline. It refused. 


sfr 


PLEASANT GROVE, TEXAS—A year ago 
someone entered a man's home, tied him up 


and beat and stabbed him to death. During 
the attack, the тап? pet cochatoo joined 
the fray. When police accused two neigh- 
bors of the killing, both denied it—until 
investigators found that DNA in blood on 
the bird's beak matched that of one of the 
suspects. 


tee KEG RULE e 


coLuMBUS—If you buy more than four 
kegs of beer at one time in Ohio, you must 
submit a notarized affidavit telling liquor 
control agents the time and place of your 
party and allowing police to enter without 
a warrant to check IDs. The ACLU chal- 
lenged the law as unconstitutional—and 
pointless, since police have never acted on 
the more than 300 affidavits filed since the 
statute went into effect. A federal judge 
agreed, pointing out that the law doesn't 
prevent anyone with half a brain from 
buying four kegs of beer multiple times. 


SAN FRANCISCO—A federal appeals 
court affirmed the government's right to 
tan the sale of magazines such as Pent- 
house, Hustler and Playgirl on military 
bases. A three-judge panel upheld the Mil- 
itary Honor and Decency Act of 1996, 
which authorized the Department of De- 
fense to ban the sale of material the court 
characterized as being “at odds with the 
military's image of honor, professionalism 
and proper decorum.” Military personnel 
and others who live on bases may subscribe 
to or purchase the titles elsewhere. The De- 
fense Department allows base stores to sell 
PLAYBOY. 


г АМА = 


FAYETTEVILLE. NORTH CAROLINA—Po- 
lice who were conducting an undercov- 
er prostitution sting arrested 33 people, 
including the president of the chamber of 
commerce and a state trooper. However, 
authorities charged only 32 suspects with a 
crime—the trooper somehow fell through 
the cracks. When the police department's 
Office of Professional Standards learned 
of the selective enforcement, it asked the 
county prosecutor to drop charges against 
the 32 other suspects. “We don't condone 
selective enforcement,” a spokesperson 
said. “In all fairness to those who were 
stopped and charged, it seemed like the 
right thing to do.” 


femme BALLS uma 


GRASS VALLEY, CALIFORNIA— When Tal- 
iban officials called U.S. soldiers "soft" 
following the September 11 attacks, sculp- 
tor Jeff Tritel responded by creating a nov- 
elty he calls American Brass Bumper Balls. 
Třitel says the lifelike golden scrotum, de- 
signed to hang from a vehicle bumper, is 
symbolic of "an intrinsically American at- 
titude.” Tritel attempted to trademark his 
brass balls logo, but the U.S. Patent and 
Trademark Office turned doum the appli- 
cation as "immoral or scandalous matter." 


БІ 


TaMPa—Florida lawmakers wanted to 
make sure that every absentee or estranged 
father in the state would know if his child 
were put up for adoption. So they passed a 
Law requiring every mother who put up her 
child for private adoption to provide state 
officials with the name of the father. If 
the woman isn't certain who fathered the 
child, the statute requires her to place a 
notice in the local newspaper listing the 
names and physical descriptions of every 
‘man she had sex with at the time of con- 
ception. The law has had unintended re- 
sults. In one case, а 12-year-old assault- 
ed by a man who disappeared would have 


been compelled to publish her name and a 
reference to the attack (a county judge in- 
tervened). In another instance, the wife of 
aman who wants to adopt his 12-year-old 
stepson would first have to recount her sex- 
ual history in print. 


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IT’S SOMETHING ELSE 


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лтан инк HALLE BERRY 


а candid conversation with the oscar-winning actress about the best 007, sexy billy bob 
thornton, her feuds with ann coulter and angela basselt and why controversy haunts her life 


Controversies and problems have dogged 
Halle Berry all her life. Her maternal grand- 
parents shunned her family because her moth- 
er married an African American. She was 
elected prom queen but then was accused of 
stuffing the ballot box. When she was 22 she 
was told she had diabetes, but she mistakenly 
injected herself with insulin for years when 
other treatment options were available. Her 
marriage to baseball player David Justice in 
1992 lasted four years and ended in public 
misery. In 2000 she was arrested for leaving 
the scene of an accident and was dubbed 
“Hitand-Run Halle” by the press. After she 
married musician Eric Benél in 2001, he 
found himself in a tabloid as а sex addict 
seeking treatment. And when she received an 
Oscar for Best Actress last year for Monster's 
Ball (becoming the first black woman lo win), 
actress Angela Bassett said she wouldn't take 
а role where she had to be a prostitute on film. 

Controversies aside, she has fierce determi- 
nation and a sense of where she's going, and 
she has really great breasts. 

Those breasts: made their first public ap- 
pearance in Swordfish, and their second in 
Monster's Ball when she ripped open her 
blouse and told Billy Bob Thornton to take 
her: He did, and Berry took home an Oscar 
Jor the vole 

Now Berry is rumored to be a member of the 


“For me to sit here and say, 1 feel white,” some- 
body would try to commit me. It’s not a choice 
you make. When people see me, nobody ever 
thinks Im white. No person in my whole life 
has ever thought that I was white.” 


$20 million-per-film club. For the 36-year- 
old Berry, that might heal a lot of old wounds. 
Born on August 14, 1966, Berry grew up 
in both Cleveland's inner city and its sub- 
urbs, often confused about her identity and 
never quite fitting in. Her abusive, alcoholic 
father beat her older sister and mother and 
left the family when she was foux. Her moth- 
er urged her to be an achiever to overcome 
racism. Berry became the president of her 
high school class, editor of the school news- 
paper, a cheerteader, a member of the honor 
y and, when she was 17, Miss Teen 
That beauty pageant led to others— 
Berry placed prominently in the Miss Teen 
All-American, Miss USA and Miss World 
competitions. She went to Chicago to try 
modeling and study acting and later moved 
to New York, where she landed a role on 
the TV series Living Dolls. Her career was 
launched when Spike Lee cast her as a drug 
addict in Jungle Fever In 1991 she played a 
femme fatale in the movie Strictly Business 
and an exotic dancer in The Last Boy Scout. 
She also worked on the TV show Knots Land- 
ing. In 1992 she starred opposite Eddie ! 
phy in the romantic comedy Boomerang. 
A variety of films, both serious and silly, 
followed: The Flintstones, Losing Isaiah with 
Jessica Lange, Executive Decision, Race the 
Sun, Girl 6 and Baps. In 1998 she returned 


m 


“Tm tortured! lm one of those tortured souls. Um 
always interested in going to the depths of some- 
пін. 1 relate to pain. It's a cathartic place 
for me to go, and through that 1 get to work out a 
lot of the pain in my own life 


to TV for a miniseries, The Wedding. Then 
came the political satire Bulworth, with War- 
ren Beatty. She played her idol in Introduc- 
ing Dorothy Dandridge and won a Golden 
Globe for Best Actress. In 2000 she worked 
with Hugh Jackman when she played the 
character Storm in X-Men. Berry appeared 
opposite John Travolta and Jackman again 
in the 2001 crime thriller Swordfish. In Die 
Another Day, the current James Bond film, 
she holds her own opposite Pierce Brosnan. 

PLAYBOY sent Contributing Editor Law- 
rence Grobel lo Vancouver, where Berry was 
finishing X-Men 2. 


PLAYBOY: Wasn't Jinx, your character in Die 
Another Day, originally written as a villain? 
BERRY: When I was hired she was. But she 
has changed—she's not the villain any- 
more. In the beginning, Bond doesn't 
know what she's doing—he sees she's car- 
rying a gun and sneaking around, shoot- 
ing at the same people he's shooting at. 
He puts two and two together and real- 
izes that they're fighting for the same 
cause. She does for the U.S. what he does 
for England. She becomes Bond's part- 
ner midway through the movie. 

PLAYBOY: Was the character changed be- 
cause of your Oscar? There are rumors 
you might become the first female Bond 


PHOTOGRAPHY БҮ GREGORY CROW 
“Billy Bob Thornton is wild sexy; Pierce Bros- 
nan is another kind of sexy. He's more put-to- 
gether sexy. He's got rugged good looks. With 
Billy Bob, you never know what he's going ta 
do or say—he's unpredictable 


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BERRY: They have asked me if Га be in- 
ed in doing another one. Or to do 


PLAYBOY: Jinx without Jame: 
ah, just Jinx. We'll see. 
PLAYBOY: Who are your favorite Bond 
women? 

BERRY: My favorite—and I'm happy to 
pay homage to her—is Ursula Andress 
in Dr No. It was the first one I saw. 
PLAYBOY: That was the first James Bond 
movie—and Andress made it memorable 
when she emerged from the ocean in 
that bikini. 

BERRY: In this movie 1 get to bring that 
scene to Ше again. It’s pretty cool. Half- 
ay through shooting it I thought, This 
probably going to be career suicide. 
There's no way I can win at this. 
PLAYBOY: Who is your favorite Bond? 
BERRY: Until I saw Pierce's first one, Gold- 
eneye, 1 liked Sean Connery better than 
anyone else. But Goldeneye was an innov 
ative, edgy Bond movie—one of the bet 
ones. I gave a lot of that credit to 
Pierce. He brought something new and 
had huge shoes to fill. He has redefined 
Bond for himself. 

PLAYBOY: Is he as sexy as your Monster's 
Ball co-star Billy Bob Thornton? 

BERRY: Billy Bob is wild sexy, Pierce is an- 
other kind of sexy. He's more put-to- 
gether sexy. He's got rugged good looks. 
With Billy Bob, you never know what he's 
going to do or say—he's unpredictable. 
PLAYBOY: What is it about Billy Bob that 
women like? He isn't good-looking. 
BERRY: There is something really open 
about him. He's open about who he is, 
with all of his quirks and shortcomings. 
He's funny. And he's dangerous. Most 
women will say that can be sexy. He's not 
predictable. We only had 21 days togeth- 
er, and each day was a surprise. 
PLAYBOY: Angelina Jolie said she would 
beat up any woman who made eye 
her man. Was this a hint that their rela- 
tionship was in trouble? 

BERRY: | didn't sense that. He was still 
wearing her blood, saying how much he 
loved and adored her every day, letting 
me hear the songs he wrote about her. 1 
saw no signs. I was as shocked as any- 
body when I heard what was going on. 
PLAYBOY: You appeared shocked when 
you won that Oscar. Do you remember 
the moment? 

probably had an out-of-body ex- 
perience. Had I not seen the tape later, I 
wouldn't remember even walking up 
there. I do remember looking at Russell 
Crowe, and him saying to me, “Breathe, 
mate.” Then I saw Denzel, and he had a 
light on his head. He was the only per- 
son I saw, for some reason. 

PLAYBOY: Some observers thought that 
you wouldn't win because you were too 
young. What were you thinking? 

BERRY: | thought Sissy Spacek was going 
to win. Diane Keaton was the first per- 
son to reach out and tell me she thought 
I'd done a great job, and that meant so 


much. Diane Keaton wrote me a letter. 
She told me she didn’t know if the Oscar 
brings out the best in anybody, so don't 
feel defeated if you don't win, just keep 
on your path 

PLAYBOY: How did it feel when both you 
and Denzel won on the same night? 

s unfolding 1 felt a part of 
thought that would hap- 
pen. After I won I thought, Oh God, Den- 
zel’s not going to win. And I thought he 
would win before I would win. He's done 
many wonderful pieces over the ye: 
it had to be his time. And it wouldn't be 
both of us. That night we were standing 
there with our Oscars, and I said to him, 
“Now, Denzel? Am I worthy?” I've been 
wanting to work with him for so many 
years, it's almost like a joke. He looked at 
me and laughed, like, “OK, kid, sure, 
uh-huh.” But I'll keep trying. 

PLAYBOY: Writer Ann Coulter wasn't im- 
pressed by your win. She wrote: “It's in- 
teresting that Berry makes such a big 
deal about being black. She was raised by 
her white mother who was beaten and 
abandoned by her black father. Clearly, 
Berry has calculated that it is more ad- 
vantageous for her acting career to iden- 
tify with the man who abandoned her 
rather than the woman who raised her.” 
Are you that calculating? 

BERRY: No, and I can't even respond to 
that. It's so ridiculous. To sit in judgment 
of another person like that is insane. 
PLAYBOY: You called your award a victory 
“for every nameless, faceless woman of 
color who now has a chance because this 
door tonight has been opened.” But Coul- 
ter claimed: “Yes, at long last, the ‘glass 
ceiling’ has been broken. Large-breast- 
ed, slightly cocoa women with idealized 
Caucasian features finally have a chance 
in Hollywood 

BERRY: She's bitter. Poor woman. 1 know 
my win has made a difference. 1 wasn't 
seeing that night with rose-colored glass- 
es on, as in: Now that Гуе won it's going 
to start to happen. But what that night 
did, and Г know it's true because hun- 
dreds of women of color—Indian, Asian, 
Spanish, black, actresses, medical stu- 
dents—have come up to me and said, 
“Because of that night I now have hope 
and the belief that if 1 work hard enough 
it can happen for me.” Before that night 
1 even questioned whether it was really 
ible to achieve something like that in 
my lifetime. Nobody had ever done it, so 
why should I think it would be me? 
PLAYBOY: If Coulter is bitter, how about 
Angela Bassett? I'm sure you've heard 
what she said, that she turned down 
Monsters Ball because she didn't want to 
play a prostitute on-screen. She said it 
was “such a stereotype about black мот 
en and sexuality 
BERRY: I don't know what that's about. 
She was at my party the night before. Ac- 
cording to Lions Gate and Lee Daniels, 
who produced it, she was never offered 
Monsters Ball. 


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[Em e a 


AT NEWSSTANDS NOW | 


PLAYBOY: She said she also wants an Os- 
car, but “it has to be for something I can 
sleep with at night” How have you been 
sleeping lately? 
BERRY: I'm sleeping so wonderfully, look- 
ing at that baby every night before I go 
to bed. It's such a personal choice, what 
we do as artists. I'm in a different place 
than she is, and that's OK. We're dif- 
ferent people. It's an individual journey. 
I'm proud of it. I sleep well at night. 
PLAYBOY: Did she call you after saying 
those things? 

BERRY: | haven't spoken to her. 

PLAYBOY: Were you angry about it? Did it 
upset you? 

BERRY: It made me a little sad that she 
feels that way. I respect her opinion. But 
it's sad that it's become such a negative. I 
thought it was such a positive time for all 
of us, but maybe not everybody sees it 
that way. Maybe she didn't like that I 
mentioned her name in my acceptance 
speech. But I was coming from a pure 
place of wanting to recognize those who 
I thought should have been there before 
me, or the ones 1 hope will get there. 
PLAYBOY: Bassett wasn't alone. Felicia Hen- 
derson, executive producer of Soul Food, 
said: “So many want to stand up and ap 
plaud Halle. But others say, "Isn't it sad 
that she had to be the sexual object of a 
white man?’ It shows that it’s a man's 
world, with sexism and racism. 
BERRY: [t's amazing that people want to 
make it about color, especially black peo- 
ple. We say we want to be viewed as 
equal and not let our color be an issue, 
yet we're the first ones to say something 
about our color and our differences. I've 
never seen life through those eyes. 1 
identify with being black because that's 
how people identify me, because I don't 
look very white. But as I go through life, 
I see people as people. I never thought it 
would be degrading to the black race or 
to myself to appear in a love scene with a 
white man. It's acting, it’s art, it's what 
it’s all about. To me Monster's Ball was 
true; it could very well happen. I related 
to the character and the story. I grew up 
with a white mother, so it was normal to 
me. If it isn't for someone else, I'm sorry. 
PLAYBOY: How has the Oscar changed 
your life? 

BERRY: Professionally, I'm feeling for the 
first time that I'm just a woman, and that 
“black” isn't preceding me. That feels 
great, and even if it's fleeting, I'm in the 
moment. I'm being viewed as an actress 
who is worthy of a certain caliber of roles. 
It's such a sense of accomplishment— 
that it happened to me, that Га be the 
one to make this statement, to be chosen. 
PLAYBOY: It’s also changed the caliber of 
your bank account: You reportedly make 
$20 million per movie now. 

BERRY: Hasn't happened yet, but it might 
It’s amazing. And that doesn't happen to 
everybody who wins an Oscar, so | count 
my blessings. It’s put me on a whole oth- 
er level in the industry. 


PLAYBOY: In Monster's Ball you and Billy 
Bob play two people who would never 
be together if you didn't have the com- 
morality of pain. Did you relate to that 
characterz 

BERRY: Yes, very much, which is why I 
wanted to play her. To me she was real, 
she was human. She had a lot of the 
same insecuri have and have had in 
my life. I didn't judge her. 1 never saw 
her as a prostitute or any of the ways 
some people have tried to describe her. 1 
saw her asa woman who was struggling, 
who was dealing with the cards that were 
dealt her in the best way she could. And 
who was going to win. 1 always knew she 
was going to win. 

PLAYBOY: That controversial sex scene 
you shot with Thorn- 
ton—didn' the direc- 
tor promise you final 
cut on that scene, so if 
you went too far you 
could ask for a differ- 
ent edit? 

BERRY: When I read 
the script I knew that 
I had to do it. It was 
such an integral part 
of the movie, more 
than just a sex scene. 
I just hoped we could. 
translate that onto 
the screen, the way we 
both saw it. But when 
they said 1 could have 
final cut, that certain- 
ly made me a lot freer 
to try things 

PLAYBOY: Your charac- 
ter was tortured, and 
you've said you love 
playing tortured souls. 
Why do you love it? 
BERRY: Because I'm 
tortured! I'm one of 
those tortured souls. 
I'm always interested 
in going to the depths 
of someone's pain. 1 
relate to pain. It's a 
cathartic place for me 
to go, and through 
that I get to work out a lot of the pain in 
my own life. 

PLAYBOY: Do you still have a lot of pain? 
BERRY: I think I must. I'm still trying to 
work it out. It doesn't keep me from liv- 
ing a happy life, but going way back to 
my childhood, there's a lot of pain that 
I've struggled to work through. Through 
my art I'm finding new ways to deal with 
it, process it, purge it, discard it, under- 
stand it. 

PLAYBOY: Does a lot of that early pain 
stem from your biracial background? 
BERRY: I grew up in an inner-city black 
neighborhood. I was half-and-half, and 
that seemed to be an issue. Then when 
my mom moved up to the white suburbs, 
being black was a big issue. 

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BERRY: Yes. [ts not a choice you make. 
For me to sit here and say, "1 feel white,” 
somebody would try to commit me. When 
people see me, nobody ever thinks I'm 
white. No person in my whole life has 
ever thought that I was white. 

PLAYBOY: You've said that you felt like an 
outsider in high school. 

Berry: Yes. And I tried really hard to fitin. 
So I was in every club, the president of 
my class, editor of the newspaper, in the 
honor society. | popped my wad at school 
all day trying to be Everything. 
PLAYBOY: Why? Was it racial? 

Berry: I never felt equal. I thought that 
if I made the honor society they would 
know I was as smart as they were; if гап 


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the paper I'd control what's in the paper 
and make it diverse; if I were а cheer- 
leader I was going to be the captain. 
PLAYBOY: The high school prom queen 
gig was a bitter experience—you were 
accused of stuffing ballots and wound up 
flipping a coin for the title. Why didn't 
you just tell them to shove it? 

BERRY: | was too young to be that mature. 
I knew I hadn't done what they said, and 
I wasn't going to allow anybody to accuse 
me of something I didn't do. If I walked 
away, in my mind, at the age of 16, that 


would have been conceding to some of 


the things they were saying, and they 
might think there was some truth to it. 
PLAYBOY: Isn't it hard to cry race when you 
seemed to have so much going for you? 
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1 felt like such an outsider that I was in- 
spired to do all those things. 1 had to do 
those things in order to feel equal. Nev- 
er superior. That just leveled me out. If 1 
didn't do all that stuff I would have felt. 


inferior. Those things gave me a sense of 


worth and value in high school. 1 felt 
sometimes being black made me les 
was starting to buy into that philosophy. 
So when Г could get the whole student 
body to vote for me for president, or I 
could be the head cheerleader, or con- 
trol the newspaper, in my 14-, 15-, 16- 
year-old mind, I felt power. My mother 
told me, “Being a black woman, when 
you grow up. you're going to have to be 
good at everything. So do it all.” 
PLAYBOY: What was it like being raised by 
a single parent? 
BERRY: It was tough, 
and not just financial- 
ly. She also had the 
social issues of being 
a white woman with 
little black kids. She 
felt discrimination. 
Her family disowned 
her for a while. She 
gota lot of the looks, 
sneers, stares and lit- 
tle comments. 
PLAYBOY: When her 
family disowned her, 
that meant they didn't 
want to see you either. 
BERRY: Right. 
PLAYBOY: Did that get 
reconciled, or did you 
always feel distance 
from her side of the 
family? 

BERRY: I always felt dis- 
tance. But when my 
grandmother was dy- 
ing, she changed. lt 
often happens when 
people are at the end 
of their lives—they 
start to see life as it 
really should have 
been. She was very 
remorseful. 

PLAYBOY: How old were 
you when that happened? 

BERRY: Twenty-six. 
PLAYBOY: How did you feel about it? 
BERRY: I felt bitter growing up. I used to 
feel that maybe we weren't good enough 
for Grandma. 

PLAYBOY: What about your father's side? 
BERRY: I was a little closer to my grand- 
parents on my father’s side, but even 
there I felt really angry over the years, 
probably still do, My sister and I, we 
were black. And my father's parents had 
a lot of animosity toward my mother— 
she was “that white this, that white that.” 
1 felt a lot of pain for my mother. 
PLAYBOY: You were four when your par- 
ents separated. How often did you see 
your father after that? 

BERRY: My father came back for a year in 


9299 


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67 


PLAYBOY 


1976, when I was 10. It was my mother's 
attempt to reconcile because she felt we 
needed a father. It the worst year of 
our lives. I'd been praying for my father, 
and when I got him I just wanted him to 
leave. My mother would cry; they would 
fight. It was scary. He was still an al- 
coholic. He almost killed our dog. He 
threw her against the dining room wall 
and she fell on the floor and didn't get 
up right away—that's an image that's 
stayed in my mind. My father would beat 
my mother, beat my sister. But he nev- 
er did that to me. So I had a lot of guilt 
and shame. 

PLAYBOY: Did you see the beatings? 
BERRY: Yes. 

PLAYBOY: And did you ever try to stop 
your father? 

BERRY: No, and that 
is why I have a lot 
of guilt, because 1 
would run. I never 
did a thing. When 
my sister would be 
in the room with the 
door shut, she'd be 
getting it with a belt. 
I would just freeze 
and be more afraid 
that it would hap- 
pen to me than be- 
ing able to help her. 
1 grew up with alot 
of guilt about that. 
PLAYBOY: Was your 
sister ever resentful 
because you didn't 
get hit? 

BERRY: Probably. I'm 
sure she must have 
been. I would have. 
“Why am I getting it 
and she's not? 
PLAYBOY: Why your 
sister and not you? 
BERRY: My sister was 
outspoken and re- 
bellious. I was meek 
and shy. I'd just slip 
around, do noth- 
ing, not kick up too 


much dust. 
PLAYBOY: You lost 
your virginity at 17. 


Was it a good experience? 
BERRY: For me it was time. I don't regret 
it one bit. Itwas with my first boyfriend— 
he calls himself “the original boyfriend.” 
That lasted until I was 20. 

PLAYBOY: He talked you into trying out 
for beauty pageants. Do you regret that? 
п many ways, because it per- 
petuated my physical self a lot more than 
1 ever wanted to. But it was also very sig- 
nificant in a way, because 1 gained a lot 
of confidence in myself. That confidence 
has served me throughout my life. So 1 
got something meaningful out of it. But 
most of what the pageant was about was 


superficial. 


68 PLAYBOY: It was the beauty pageants that 


led to modeling, then to commercials. 
How long did you model? 

BERRY: Three years. 

PLAYBOY: What did you learn from being 
a model? 

BERRY: That I hated it and didn't want to 
do it. There had to be a better way to 
make a buck! It was the most boring 
work I ever did. Not being able to have a 
say, being a human coat hanger. I didn't 
feel good about that. 

PLAYBOY: When you went to Chicago to 
become a model, you lived with a room- 
mate who skipped out of her share of 
the rent, leaving you with a $1300 bill. 
You've said that was a turning point in 
your life, making you realize you were 
on your own. 


74 PLAYBOY SPECIAL EDITIONS 


BERRY: Yes, and also I fell out with my 
mom. I didn't speak to my mom for al- 
most a year and a half. She got married 
and I wasn't there. What happened was, 
1 was really broke, | had zero dollars, 
and I called my mother, who didn't want 
me to go to Chicago in the first place. 
She drove me, but she cried the whole 
way. When I hit rock bottom and my 
roommate left, Г called my mom and 
asked her for a loan and she said no. My 
pride hadn't allowed me to ask her until 
that point. It hurt. A year and a half lat- 
er | realized that was the best thing she 
could have done for me, because I've 
been totally independent since then. I've 
never asked anybody for a dime. 


Spend an evening 


PLAYBOY: Later you found out you were 
diabetic. 

BERRY: | didn't know that until I moved 
to Los Angeles and was doing my first 
TV show, Living Dolls. 

PLAYBOY: Were you scared when you 
found out? 

BERRY: | thought that I was going to die. 
When they said, “You have diabetes,” 
knowing nothing about it, 1 heard “can- 
cer.” I was thinking, I'm 22, I'm just get- 
ting started. 1 was really afraid. But I 
quickly got educated about what it was. I 
went through a tumultuous time. I got 
on insulin right away when I shouldn't. 
have, so I was a slave to the shots, and to 
eating and trying to work. Later, I found 
a better way to manage it. 

PLAYBOY: When you 
finally landed your 
first movie, it was as 
an addict in Spike 
Lee's Jungle Fever. 
Did you finally feel 
like a serious actor? 
BERRY: 1 don't know 
how seriously any- 
body took me, but it 
got me away from 
that beauty pageant- 
model stigma, be- 


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done up until then. 
My first acting job 
was playing a mod- 
el on television. So 
the movie gave me 
a chance to show 
a different side 
of myself. It also 
proved the kind of 
chances 1 was will- 
ing to take. 

PLAYBOY: For Jun- 
gle Fever you inter- 
viewed real-life ad- 
dicts and you didn't 
bathe for 10 days 
prior to filming. For 
The Last Boy Scout 
you danced at a 
strip club in Holly- 
wood. How impor- 
tant is it for you to 
do research? 

Berry: If I'm playing a character that 
lives a life that 1 have no basis to relate 
to, then I have to go do something. When 
Idid Jungle Fever, ГА never seen crack, a 
crack pipe or a crack addict. Once 1 got 
that part I went to a real crack den with 
an undercover policeman. 

PLAYBOY: Do you plan to get out of the 
business before your face drops? 

BERRY: Yeah, that's why I'm not worried 
about anybody feeling sorry for me 
when my face drops. I'll be the first one 
to say, "Thank you, it’s been a nice life.” 
I wouldn't want the pressure to com- 
pete. I will go find something else to do. 
PLAYBOY: Would you ever consider sur- 
gery to keep your face from dropping? 


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BERRY: No, I'm dead set against that. 
PLAYBOY: Do you ever worry about your 
boobs saggin; 
BERRY: They sag now [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: A lot of people credit the suc- 
cess of Swordfish to your boobs. 

BERRY: I don't know what that says about 
the movie if that was the highlight, but 
1 felt good doing it. I took all the com- 
ments, both good and bad, with a grain 
of salt. 1 faced my fears, I grew. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't your husband, Eric, en- 
courage you to do the topless scene? 
BERRY: Yes. He saw me struggling with it 
and he asked me why. He could see that 
my concern was with what other people 
would think. He said, “Look at every 
sculpture and painting in our house, 


such a blanket statement. Every situation 
is different. I joked about it, saying the 
next time I was going to wait to be asked. 
But in all seriousness, it depends. I've 
known lots of women who have pro- 
posed to their husbands—men who were 
dragging their feet, afraid of it. Women 
have biological clocks, we have certain 
goals and dreams for ourselves, and 
sometimes we have to present that to the 
men in our relationships. 

PLAYBOY: Did you worry when you were 
proposing to Justice that you might get 
rejected? 

BERRY: No. I kind of knew he wanted to; 
it didn't come out of the blue. My atti- 
tude was, If we're going to do this, let's 
just do it. What are we waiting for? 


when its appropriate. 

PLAYBOY: You were once in an abusive re- 
lationship. Did you feel you were reliv- 
ing your childhood? 

BERRY: Yes, because I saw it as a kid, and 
I swore it would never happen to me 
And when it did, I took off running as 
far as I could go. It's very shocking. You 
never expect anybody to haul off and 
punch you. 

PLAYBOY: You have vowed never to dis- 
dose the name of the person who hit you 
in your ear and caused you to lose 80 per- 
cent ofyour hearing. Why would you want 
to protect someone who did that to you? 
BERRY: It's not really protecting that per- 
son. I have never been one to kiss and 
tell, or say something that would hurt 


which you have cho- 
sen. They're all of 
the naked form 
You obviously dig it, 
so what's your prob- 
lem?" 1 said, “I guess 
I'm worried what 
people think about 
me. They don't ex- 
pect me to do this.” 
And he said, “Why 
are you living for 
the expectations of 
other people? Live 
for yourself. Do you 
want to do it?” It 
was that simple. But 
he helped me real- 
ize 1 was being sti- 
fled by 
PLAYBOY: Eventually 
you said there was 
no explanation for 
appearing topless, 
you did ir because 
you wanted to, 
BERRY: It was liberat- 
ing to do it, have it 
come out and not 
care what people 
thought about it. 
Yeah, it was gratu- 
itous, but so what? I 
wanted to do it, and 
guess what? I'm al- 


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someone else when 
it doesn't matter. 
Whenever 1 tell my 
story, what matters 
is that it happened 
to me. Who actual- 
ly did it is not at all 
important 

PLAYBOY: You don't 
wear a hearing aid— 
can you hear every- 
thing around you? 
Berry: Yes. Over the 
years it's gotten bet- 
ter. I don't think I 
need to wear one 
PLAYBOY: You've said 
that David cheated 
on you “with prosti- 
tutes, strippers, ev- 
егу twinkie walk- 
ing by with a skirt.” 
Why would some- 
one cheat on Halle 
Berry? 

BERRY: I'm trying to 
understand it, too. 
[Embarrassed laugh- 
ter] The sad part is, 
when that happens 
you think, What's 
wrong with me? I’ve 
learned that it's not 
about me. You have 
to ask that person, 


lowed to. I think my 
presence in that movie helped the box 
office. 

PLAYBOY: You turned down the role in 
Speed that made Sandra Bullock's career. 
Do you regret it? 

BERRY: The film you saw was not the 
script I read. That bus never left the 
parking lot. I was too green to know that 
what's on the page today isn't going to be 
on the page tomorrow. Also, I had just 
gotten married and was feeling the pres- 
sure to be a wife and not to be away for 
three months. 

PLAYBOY: You took the initiative and pro- 
posed to your first husband, David Jus- 
tice. In retrospect, is it better when the 
man proposes? 

BERRY: | don't think so. That would be 


“ma Sepe Sarei W 


uon std and tated ty Od Ea Vor Canter, En 
PLAYBOY: Did you find that a lot of men 
were intimidated by your looks? 

BERRY: I've lived most of my life dateless, 
or if 1 liked someone I had to let him 
know, because he wouldn't approach me 
otherwise. I got used to that. 1 became а 
little more aggressive. 

PLAYBOY: Do women want men to be dom- 
inant in a relationship? 

BERRY: Not dominant, but women want 
men to be strong and know where they 
are going. When 1 thought about be- 
coming a wife, I wanted very much to 
have a husband that I could honor and 
respect and follow. But | want a man 
who knows where he's going. 1 don't 
want anybody to dictate where I have to 
go; I want to willingly be able to follow 


"LETS 


тулса саг “What is going оп 
with you that keeps you from staying 
committed? If you don't want to be com- 
mitted, just leave. Why do the dance and 
play the game and tell the lies and live 
the десе! 
PLAYBOY: Is it easier now for you to leave 
when you know something's wrong? 

BERRY: Yeah. I didn't do that in marriage 
the first time because 1 took those vows 
really seriously and I thought you just 
had to work it out. 1 thought I'd marry 
once and be married for life, ready to 
deal with the ups and downs. I'm real- 
istic, 1 know that’s what marriage is— 
there's no perfect marriage, it's not a 
fantasy, it's real. People are human, they 
make mistakes. They have desires, and 
they have to confront them. It's hard. 1 


69 


PLAYBOY 


70 


was always willing to fight the good fight, 
but it takes two people. 

PLAYBOY: You've admitted to having tem- 
per tantrums. 

BERRY: 1 have had a couple, but it takes a 
lot. The reason my tantrums are so out 
of control is that I take a lot, take a lot. 
When I'm pushed I'm not one to have lit- 
Че outbursts along the way. When it gets 
to a certain point, all hell breaks loose. 
I'm working at trying to let it out along 
the way instead of letting it build up. 
PLAYBOY: So, after being married toa pro- 
fessional ballplayer, how keen are you 
about sports? 

BERRY: I won't even go there, what I'm 
going to say about sports. [Laughs] Since 
that divorce I haven't watched one pro- 
fessional sporting event. The good thing 
about Eric, and the reason I knew he was 
meant to be my husband, is that when 
I met him he knew nothing about sports. 
We watch no sports. 

PLAYBOY: You have said Eric Benét loves 
you with all your flaws and inconsisten- 
cies and double standards. What are they? 
BERRY: I'm really driven, and that can be 
a turnoff to some people. I'm impatient 
What's good for me isn’t necessarily 
good for somebody else. But that's part 
of my controlling personality. I know 
what I'm going to do, but I never know 
what the next person is going to do, and 
that comes from the general mistrust 1 
have had since I was a kid, of being 
abandoned, being left—I always assume 
somebody's going to do that. I've fought 
really hard to control situations to en- 
sure that that doesn't happen. But I now 
realize there's no way to do that. 
PLAYBOY: You're stepmom to Eric's daugh- 
ter. Do you plan to have children? 
BERRY: I hope so. 1 hope I won't miss it. 
PLAYBOY: The National Enquirer reported 
that you've been having problems with 
your marriage and that your husband, 
Eric, was treated for sex addiction. Any 
truth to thi 
BERRY: What's going on in my personal 
life is so new that I'm not in a position to 
talk about it at this time. I'm not sure 
what's going on. 

PLAYBOY: Is your marriage in trouble? 
BERRY: I don't think I'm in trouble. I 
don't feel trouble right now. I feel this is 
the hard day you talk about when you 
stand there and take those vows—the 
good and the bad. Well, this might be 
that not-so-good day. But trouble? 1 
think this is what marriage is. 

PLAYBOY: Is part of the problem that 
you've been away shooting Die Another 
Day and the X-Men sequel? 

BERRY: No. It's marriage. I'm one who is 
down for the long haul in marriage, and 
I've always had a realistic view of it. Es 
pecially in my first marriage, where 1 
knew that nothing's perfect. We're at a 
time in our marriage where | really want 
to be married. Not everything will be 
perfect, and that's really what I'm deal- 
ing with. It's so new for me, 1 don't think 


it's right to talk about it anymore. 
PLAYBOY: You've said you're not what you 
appear to be. What is it you think you 
appear to be? 

BERRY: People think I'm more fragile 
than I am. They think I'm weak, but I'm 
not. They think, Oh, I've got to help her, 
she's а fragile damsel in distress. That's 
not me at all. Or they think I'm just a 
Barbie doll, and that's not me either. 
PLAYBOY: You pled no contest to leaving 
the scene of a car collision in West Holly- 
wood. Was that plea fair, or was it some- 
thing your lawyers advised you 10 do? 
BERRY: It was fair—it was what I wanted 
to do. Clearly I had enough money to 
have fought it until the cows came home, 
but that wasn't what 1 was interested in 
doing. I always took responsibility for 
being there. I went to the hospital and 
reported it myself. But I didn't drive off 
intentionally. 1 never would do that. I 
wasn't trying to hide or escape some- 
thing. With my head injury, I did some- 
thing I can't explain. I blacked out. 
PLAYBOY: Do you remember it? 

BERRY: No, and I've been told I probably 
never will. 

PLAYBOY: Didn't you talk to a doctor 
about it? 

BERRY: Yes. A lot of them told me I was 
lucky I didn't black out longer than I 
did. Sometimes people get that kind of 
head injury and lose two or three days. 
But I sull grapple with и. I can't explain 
it, and I want to be able to do that. To un- 
derstand it for myself. It's disconcerting. 
PLAYBOY: Were there any drugs or alco- 
hol involved in that accident? 

BERRY: No. 

PLAYBOY: What kinds of injuries did you 
and the other person sufler? 

BERRY: I had 23 stitches in my head. She 
had a broken wrist. 

PLAYBOY: You werc found guilty of leav- 
ing the scene, and you accepted the sen- 
tence—three years of probation and a 
$13,500 fine. But in retrospect, you are 
not happy about it, are you? 

BERRY: I believe іп karma, so I felt if that's 
what the judge gave me, I was ready and 
willing to do it, because I want to be right 
with the world. 1 obviously did some- 
thing you shouldn't do—you should not 
drive away. I felt the need to take re- 
sponsibility. 1 couldn't say I was guilty, 
because I didn't do it on purpose, but 
1 could say I did it, so I pled what the 
court wanted me to plead. 

PLAYBOY: You've said the car accident was 
"the start of me being released from that. 
need to be liked." Was that the positive. 
that came out of it? 

BERRY: That was the positive, and the cat- 
alyst for all these great things that have 
happened in my career, because 1 let 
that go. Just like 1 can say 1 don't care 
what the critics say, or what Angela Bas- 
sett has to say. 1 don't care what anybody 
has to say, because I'm now on a solo 
journey, realizing that's what life is really 
about. Not judging myself through the 


eyes of other people anymore. And the 
accident was the start of that. 

PLAYBOY: Which of your films are you 
most disappointed with? 

BERRY: I was disappointed that more peo- 
ple didn't see Losing Isaiah. 1 don't think 
I've ever been that heartbroken over a 
box-office failure of a movie. I put a lot 
of hard work into that. 

PLAYBOY: Did you learn anything from 
working with Jessica Lange? 

BERRY: What Í learned from Jessica was 
that you have to respect everybody's way 
of working. She didn't want to talk to me 
or know me. She didn't want to have any- 
thing to do with me, because she wanted 
to use that for her character. I was disap- 
pointed. because I was hoping to pic 
her brain—she started off in modeling, 
too. But I didn’t get to do that. 

PLAYBOY: In X-Men 2 you revisit your car- 
toon character, Storm. How is this movie 
different from the original? 

BERRY: lt was different shooting it, be- 
cause we did it before, so it was more like 
old home week. A lot of new characters 
were integrated into the old script. 
PLAYBOY: Was it any more of an acting 
challenge for you? 

BERRY: No, it's still a cartoon to me. It’s 
really about the special effects. They've 
done the best they can at making a sto- 
but for me it's pretty much a 
п. If you liked the first one, 
you're going to love the second. 

PLAYBOY: Did you do your own stunts? 
BERRY: Storm actually flies. They put 
me in a harness, attached it to a wire, 
and I flew over water. 

PLAYBOY: Six years ago you were mugged 
in the parking garage of the Beverly Cen- 
ter in Los Angeles. 

BERRY: That was pretty scary. I was walk- 
ing out with all my bags, and a guy came 
out of nowhere. He stuck something in 
my back, I don't know what it was, but I 
assumed it could have hurt me. He asked 
me for all the things in my purse. I was 
ready to strip down, to give up every- 
thing. I would have been buit-naked if 
that was what was needed. He took ev- 
erything ! had and then ей. 

PLAYBOY: It's been reported that you buy 
G-strings from Victoria's Secret and then 
te: п them to match your skin tone. 
How do the tabloids get these details? 
BERRY: I don't know. | have never done 
that. You know where they get it from? 
One of the two stylists I work with might 
do that. And when they buy them, may- 
be they tell somebody that they tea-stain 
them. All I know is when I get them, 
they're the color of my skin. How they 
do it, I don't know. 

PLAYBOY: You've had a remarkable ascent 
in a short time. Do you feel s; 
BERRY: No. The minute I'm satisfied, 1 
dic. The minute | stop wanting some- 
thing else, or setting a new goal, that's 
when I'm done. 


Jamie Ireland 15 a 
freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel 


Advertisement 


hot spot 


the inside story on Nealthy sex. 
| 1 


Leaming "The Ropes’. 


T month | got a letter from a 
reader in Texas, about a "little secret” 
that has made her love life with her 
husband absolutely explosive. (Those 
Texans know their stuff, let me tell you.) 


Tina writes: 


Dear Jamie, 

Last month, my husband returned 
from a business trip in Europe, he was 
hotter and homer than ever before, with 
more passion and sexual energy than 
hed had for years. It was incredible. 
He flat wore me out! And the best 
part of all—he was having multiple 
orgasms. | know what youre thinking. 
men don't have multiples. That's what 
1 thought, too. But his newfound vigor 
and excitement stimulated me, too, 
and before we knew it, we were both 
basking in the glow of the best sex of 
our lives. 

Wed tried tantric stuff in the past, and 
the results were 50-50. But this was 
something new and exciting, completely 
out of the ordinary. | asked my husband 
what had created such a dramatic 
change in our lovemaking, and he told 
me hed finally learned "the ropes.” 

On the last night of his business trip, 
my husband spent an evening dining 
out with a Swedish nutritionist and 
his wife of 20 years. The couple was 
obviously still quite enamored with 
each other, so my husband asked their 
secret. The nutritionist told him their 
sex life was more passionate than ever. 
Then he pulled a small bottle from his 
satchel and gave it to my husband. 


by Jamie Ireland 


The bottle contained a natural 
supplement that the nutritionist told 
my husband would teach him “the 
ropes" of good sex. 

My husband takes the supplement 
every day. The supply from the 
nutritionist is about to run out. and we 
desperately want to know how we 
can find more. Do you know anything 
about "the ropes," and can you tell us 
how we can find it in the States? 

Sincerely, 
Tina C. 
Ft. Worth, Texas 


T you and the rest of our readers 
are in luck, because it just so happens 
1 do know about the ropes, and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 

The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
called Mioplex Pure Extract. It's a 
supplement specially formulated to 
trigger better orgasmic experiences in 
men. The best part, from a woman's 
perspective, is that the motion and 


experience a man can achieve with 
Mioplex Pure Extract can help 
stimulate our own orgasms, bringing 
a whole new meaning to the term 
simultaneous climax. 

The term used by the Swedish 
nutritionist ıs actually fairly common 
slang for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions 
and heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because 
of the гореніке effect of release during 
climax. In other words, as some 
people have said, “it just keeps coming 
and coming” 

As far as finding it in the States, | know 
of just one importer—Bóland Naturals, 
Inc. If you are interested, you can 
contact them at 1-866-MIOPLEX or 
Mioplex.com. Mioplex 15 all-natural 
and safe to take. All the people I've 
spoken with have said taking the 
one-a-day tablet has led to the roping 
effect Tina described in her letter. 

Aren't you glad you asked? 


ju PAD. 


Jamie Ireland 


RICA 


Жай» Bi 
MICHAEL FLEMING 


.| DON'T LISTEN 
_ TO NEW MUSIC 
ORRUSHTO | 
SEE THE FILM 
EVERYONE 
) 15 TALKING 
ABOUT. | DON'T 
| guy LIKE HYPE. 


death. | 


man avenging his fath ы 
I was more interested in using 
revenge lo focus on the develop- 
ment of a young boy into п man. 

(continued on page 108) 


41 say, Cratchit, Pm glad you stopped complaining about the lack of 
heat in the office!” 


75 


the woman who 


rocked wayne’s 
world also puts М 
the wa! in Hawaii 


awaii is ће closest that 
many of us will ever come to 
paradise. The black-sand beach- 
es, the dramatic waterfalls and 
the crashing blue surf are irre- 
sistible. But Tia Carrere puts us 
over the edge. She makes us 
want to dance and schwing. Ap- 
parently, she’s always had that 
effect on people. It all started in 
a Honolulu grocery store. She 
popped in for a snack and came 
out with a job offer for the lead 
in a film. Tia moved to Los An- 
geles and landed a role on Gen- 
eral Hospital, as well as other 
film and television parts. She 
said aloha to major recognition 
with Wayne’s World. Since then, 
she’s been in dozens of movies 
(including Rising Sun, True Lies 
and 20 Dates), lent her voice 
to Disney’s Lilo and Stitch and 
starred in her own TV adven- 
ture series, Relic Hunter. But 
none of this has changed Tia. 
She still has the soul of a sim- 
ple Hawaiian girl—albeit one 
who kicks serious ass on and 
off the beach. So grab your 
board. Surf's up—and the sa- 
rong is down. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY PHILLIP DIXON 


“For the longest time, | 
shied away from nudity. 
| felt self-conscious about my body. 
But since the end of my marriage, 
I'm more comfortable in my own 
skin. It's an expression of freedom. 
| look good, | feel good— 
and I’m celebrating that.” 


“I'm not a serial dater. 
It's too chaotic for me. 
I'm more of a relationship person. 
You meet somebody, 
you're into him—you're with him. 
Why play the whole game?” 


“I don’t think anybody knew what a monster hit 
Wayne’s World would become,” says Tia. But she was 
pretty sure about Mike Myers. “Не is very inven- 
tive. Sitting around at two іп the morning, he'll start 
talking in a funny voice, making up characters. A 
mind that works like that is bound to be prolific.” 
Tia has shown her own versatility over the course of 
66 episodes of Relic Hunter. “When you're the lead 
in an action-adventure series, it's mentally as well 
as physically challenging. Although 1 work out al- 
most every day—run a couple of miles, and weight- 
lift for an hour with my trainers—still, you turn it 
up a notch when you have to learn three fight scenes 
per show. You zig when you're supposed to zag, you 
get hit.” There's a lot more to Tia Carrere than act- 
ing. Singing has always been important to her. “I 


did one record for Warner, and 1 am working on 
material for a new one.” Her musical talent has gen- 
erated some memorable experiences. “The coolest 
thing was singing at a benefit concert with Peter 
Gabriel. I got to sing Don’t Give Up. Pm a huge fan 
of his. I knew I'd be nervous and, sure enough, I 
couldn’t remember a couple of lyrics to save my 
life. Fortunately, I’d put them on a stand in front of 
me—just in case.” Tia also enjoys simple pleasures. 
She’s no high-maintenance glamour queen. “I en- 
joy going out for an amazing five-star dinner—but I 
also like the salad bar at Sizzler.” 

These days, Tia is enjoying Los Angeles. “I’ve 
been working all around the world these past few 
years on Relic Hunter, It sounds glamorous—except 
when you're living it. It can be fun, but it gets old 


81 


quickly. So I’m relishing, 
the time at home.” She de- 
scribes her pad as Zen. 
“The bedroom has a high 
bed with bamboo behind 
it, and a little wooden lan- 
tern. There are bamboo 
blinds on all the windows, 
and a woven matt on the 
ceiling. I also have a Ja- 
cuzzi that overlooks the 
city lights.” And if she 
craves a bit of excitement, ` 
Tia hops in her new con- 
vertible Mercedes 500SL. 
“] love my new car. I came 
back to Los Angeles and 
thought, This is the car I 
want, and I worked hard 
and I deserve it. Гуе al- 
ways appreciated beauti- 
ful cars, but the first car I 
ever drove was a VW Bug. 
If you can drive a Bug on 
a hill, with that temper- 
amental clutch, you’re 
a superstar—and you can 
drive any car.” 


“There's a fantasy about Hawaii. A 
I had a pen pal in the sixth grade 
who thought | lived in a grass hut 
and that | didn't have a television 
or telephone, and that we 
all ran around іп sarongs.” 


THERE ARE MORE PHOTOS OF TIA CARRERE 
АТ CYBER.PLAYBOYCOM. 


gr, he Three Kings Pawnshop 
ET on Hollywood Boulevard 
had been burglarized 
= three times in two years. 
The criminal methods of each break- 
in were similar, so the Los Angeles Po- 
lice Department suspected that the 
same thief was responsible. But the 
thief was careful to never leave a fin- 
gerprint. No arrests were ever made 
and no stolen property was recovered. 
Nikolai Servan, the Russian immigrant 
who owned the store, was left 10 won- 
der about the justice system of his 
adopted country. 

On the day before Christmas of this 
year, Servan unlocked the rear door of 
the pawnshop, entered and found that 
his business had been victimized a 
fourth time. Iso discovered that the 
burglar was still inside. It was this dis- 
covery that ultimately brought Detective 
Harry Bosch and his partner, Jerry Ed- 
gar, to the pawnshop. For the burglar 
was dead. 

When the two homicide detectives 
arrived they were greeted by Detec- 
tive Eugene Braxton from the burglary 
squad, He had investigated the previ- 
ous burglaries at Three Kings and had 
gotten there first because Servan had 
his business card taped to the side of 
the telephone. When the shop owner 
came to work that morning and found 
the dead burglar behind the jewel- 
ty case, he didn't dial 911. He dialed 
Braxton. 

“Deck the halls, Harry,” Braxton said 
by way of greeting. “We've got one less 
burglar in the world. And that makes my 
Christmas merry already." 

‘Bosch nodded and looked at Servan, 
who was seated on a tall stool on the 
other side of the counter. He was about 
50 with black hair thinning on the top. 
He had a lot of muscle that was going 
soft. Braxton made introductions and 


PAINTING BY PHIL HALE 


Death And 
Nostalgia. 
Isn't That 
What The 
Holidays 
Mean To 


You? 


Michael 
Connelly 


PLAYBOY 


88 


then Bosch asked that Servan be es- 
corted outside while the death invesu- 
gation proceeded. 

Bosch moved to the area behind the 
glass jewelry counter. Sprawled on the 
floor in this close space was the body. 
He was a white man dressed head-to- 
toe in black. All except for the right 
hand—it was not gloved like the left 
hand was. Bosch crouched like a base- 
ball catcher next to the body and stud- 
ied it without touching anything. A 
knit ski mask had been pulled down 
over the face. Bosch noted that the eyes 
were open and the lips were pulled 
back despite the teeth being closed to- 
gether tightly. He spoke without look- 
ing up. 

“You know this guy, Brax?” 

"I took a look, but I didn't recognize 
him," Braxton said. 

Bosch took a pair of latex gloves out 
of his pocket, blew them up like bal- 
loons to make them go on easier and 
then slipped them on. He tried to roll 
the body a little to check for wounds 
and the missing glove. He didn't find 
either. 

He lifted the bare hand and studied 
it, trying to figure out why there was no 
glove. He noticed a discoloration on 
the pad of the thumb, a brownish-yel- 


low line. There was a matching line of 


discoloration on the index finger. Us- 
ing both hands he placed the thumb 
and finger together. The two marks 
matched in alignment. 

Bosch carefully placed the hand on 
the floor and moved down to the feet. 
He removed the right shoc, a black 
leather athletic style with black rubber 
sole, and peeled off the black sock. On 
the heel of the dead man's foot was a 
circular discoloration that was brown at 
s center, tapering outward in yellow. 

"Over here." 

It was Edgar. He was behind anoth- 
er display case on the other side of the 
shop. Bosch stood up and walked over. 
Edgar crouched and pointed beneath 
the case. 

"Under the case. I don't know ¡fits a 
match, but there's a glove." 

Bosch got down on his hands and 
knees next to the display case, rcached 
under and pulled out the glove. 

"Looks the same," he said. 

If it does not fit, you must acquit,” 
Edgar. 
В looked at him. 

“Johnnie Cochran,” Edgar said. “You 
know, the O.J. gloves.” 

“Right.” 

Bosch stood up and looked into the 
case. It held two shelves lighted from 
inside and contained high-end items 
such as small jade sculptures, gold and 
silver pillboxes, cigarette cases and oth- 
er ornate and bejeweled trinkets. 

Bosch stepped away from the case 


and surveyed the shop. Other than the 
two display cases there was mostly 
junk, the property of financially des- 
perate people willing to part with al- 
most anything in exchange for cash. 

“Brax,” Bosch said, “where's the 
entry?” 

Braxton signaled him toward the 
back and led the way. Bosch and Edgar 
followed. They came to a rear room 
that was used as an office and for stor- 
age. Gravel and other debris were scat- 
tered on the floor. They all looked up. 
There was а hole roughly cut in the 
ceiling. It was two feet wide and there 
was blue sky above. 

“It's a composite roof,” Braxton said. 
“No big thing cutting through. A half 
hour maybe.” 

“The roof the entry point in the oth- 
er three hits?” Bosch asked. 

Braxton shook his head. 

“He hit the back door the first two 
times and then the roof. This is the sec- 
ond time through the roof.” 

“You think it was the same guy all 
three times?” 

"Wouldn't doubt it. That's what they 
do. Hit the same places over and over. 
Especially a place like this. A lot of im- 
migrants come here. Russians mostly. 
They pawn the stuff they brought with 
them from the homeland. Jade. Gold. 
Small, expensive stuff. Burglars love 
that shit, man, That case where you 
found the glove? It's all in there. That's 
what the guy came in for. 1 don't know 
why he ended up behind the jewelry 
case.” 

The three detectives continued to 
huddle for a moment to discuss their 
initial impressions, Bosch's theory on 
what had happened to the burglar and 
to set a case strategy. It was decided 
that Edgar would stay and assist the 
crime-scene teams. Bosch and Braxton 
would handle Servan and the next-of- 
kin notification. 

As soon as the medical examiner's 
investigator rolled a set of prints off the 
burglar's exposed hand, Bosch and 
Braxton headed back to Hollywood Di- 
vision along with Nikolai Servan. 

Bosch scanned the prints into the 
computer and sent them downtown to 
the print lab at Parker Center. He then 
conducted a formal taped interview 
with Servan. Though the pawnbroker 
added nothing new to what he had told 
them in his shop. it was important for 
Basch to lock down his story on tape. 

By the time he was done with the in- 
terview he had a message waiting from 
a print technician. The latents were 
matched by computer to a 39-year-old 
ex-convict by the name of Montgomery 
George Kelman, who was on parole 
for a burglary conviction. It took Bosch 
three calls to locate Kelman's parole 
officer and to obtain the dead man's 


current address. 

“Saddle up,” Bosch said to Braxton 
after hanging up. 

Kelman's address was an apartment 
on Los Feliz near Griffith Park. Bosch's 
knock was answered by 
an in shorts and a long-sleeve turtle- 
neck. She was thin to the point of being 
gaunt. A junkie. She abruptly collapsed 
into the fetal position on the couch 
when they gave her the bad news about 
Kelman. While Braxton attempted to 
console her and gather information 
from her at the same time, Bosch took 
a quick look around the one-bedroom 
apartment. As he expected, there was 
no obvious sign that the premises be- 
longed to a burglar. This apartment 
was the front—the place where the pa- 
role agent visited and Kelman kept the 
semblance of a law-abiding life. Bosch 
knew that any active burglar with a pa- 
role tail would keep a separate and se- 
cret place for his tools and swag. 

As he turned to leave the bedroom 
Bosch saw a saxophone propped on a 
stand in the corner by the door. He rec- 
ognized from its size that it was a tenor. 
He stepped over and lifted it into his 
hands. It looked old but well cared for. 
It was polished brass, with a buffing 
cloth pushed down into the mouth. 
Bosch had never played the saxo- 
phone, had never even tried, but the 
instruments sound was the only music 
that had ever been able to truly light 
him up inside 

For a moment he was tempted to 
raise the mouthpiece to his lips and try 
to sound a note. Instead, he gripped. 
the instrument the way he had seen 
countless musicians—from Art Pepper 
to Wayne Shorter—hold theirs. Bosch 
carried it out to the living room. The 
woman was sitting up on the couch 
now, her arms folded tightly across her 
chest. Tears streaked her face. Bosch 
didn't know if she was crying over her 
lost love or her lost junk ticket. He held 


young wom- 


She swallowed hefore answering. 

“Its Monty's. Was.” 

“He played?” 

“He tried. He always said he wanted 
to take lessons. He never did.” 

А new rush of tears cascaded down 
her checks. 

“It’s gotta be hot,” Braxton said, i 
noring her and speaking to Bosch. 
can run a check when we get back. 
On those things the manufacturer and 
serial number are engraved inside. 
Wouldn't surprise me if it came out of 
Servan's shop on one of the earlier B 
and Es. | think I remember a sax being 
on the property list.” 

Bosch pulled out the buffing cloth 

(continued on page 104) 


"I sure am glad I never stopped believing in you!" 


89 


By John Rezek 


¡Hot 


све 


є RSA RSA 
— pum 
<< 


What do women want? Something 
thick, sticky and rich 


here may be a woman somewhere who doesn't like chocolate, but she's 

hard to find. Chocolate can serve as a treat at the end of an exasperat- 

ing day. It can be a salve that soothes life's injustices. As an ingredient 

in food, chocolate can transform whatever it accompanies into some- 
thing extraordinary. And, of course, it seems almost necessary as the conclu- 
sion to a thoughtfully prepared and elegant meal. 

Most of us cut our teeth on chocolate with names like Snickers and Milku 
Way when we are children. That sort of milk chocolate, while sweet and tem- 
porarily satisfuing, doesn't prepare uou for the rich variety of quality choco- 
late—ıchether it's in confectionery form or in cooking. 

Man ана Na a 
and appealing depth that intensifies the taste of other ingredients. Moles from 
Mexico include chocolate to impart that intriguing profundity to the sauces. 


Some meat dishes, especially game, benefit from chocolate's punchy and bitter 
quality, We know several chefs who add a measure of chocolate to their chili to 
mitigate a particularly aggressive heat. 


Chocolate has always been associated with romance. The Mayans served a 


chocolate beverage at wedding ceremonies, presumably because champagne 


had yet to be invented. In the 18005 Richard (concluded on page 184) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES IMBROGNO 


ast August we invit- 

ed PLAYBOY read- 

ers and visitors to 

Playboy.com to par- 

ticipate in an office 

sex survey. We had a 

notion that lust was alive 

and well in the workplace, back in 

the hands of consenting adults 

where it belongs. As a nation, 

we'd moved beyond Anita Hill and 

Clarence Thomas or the Monica 
and Bill Show. 


The response was overwhelm- 
ing. More than 10,000 men and 
women answered a 28-question 
survey. In addition, our subjects 
poured out their hearts in essays. 
When we finally closed the site, we 
had compiled more than half a mil- 
lion words on the fine points of of- 
fice sex. 

Most of the sex seems to happen 


Pro 


after work or on weekends, at his 
place or her place. But the stories 
and stats also captured the spon- 
taneity of sex at the office. (Odd 
fact: For every three who had in- 
tercourse with their clothes on, 
two (text continued on page 94) 


Never dip your pen in the com- 
pany ink? When it comes to of- 
fice dating, I say, No risk, no 
reward. Screw the policy. Are 
you your own man or not? 
(Male, single, 24) 


One out of two 
guys, and two ont of three women, have had 
sex with someone from the office. 


Had sex with the boss 


Males: 18% 


When do they have sex? 


Females: 46% 


Had sex with a peer 
Males: 75% 


Males: 26% 


Females: 65% 


Had sex with a subordinate 
Females: 22% 


Had sex with an intern 
Males: 12% Females: 20% 


Had sex with a client/customer. 
Males: 24% Females: 29% 


Where do they do it? In a bathroom, locker 


room or shower 


During work Their place Males: 32% Females: 41% 
Males: 38% Females: 48% Males: 56% Females: 52% In the parking lot 
After work Their lover's place Males: 30% Females: 33% 
Males: 72% Females: 65% Males: 52% Females: 45% In a closet or supply room 
During lunch break In a hotel or motel Males: 20% Females: 30% 
Males: 28% Females: 37% Males: 39% Females: 39% In the mail room 
On business trips On a desk or copy room 
Males: 21% Females: 28% Males: 33% Females: 45% Males: 11% Females: 21% 
After an office party On acouch or chair Inthe boss’ Ë à 
Males: 23% Females: 31% Males: 37% Females: 43% office 
On the weekend On the floor Males: 18% 
Males: 53% Females: 48% Males: 33% Females: 41% Females: 37% 
2 a Н : 
What else goes on? Fondling, petting or mutual masturbation 
= Males: 27% B 

Flirting lales: 27% Females: 40% 
Males: 86% Females: 81% Oralsex 
Joking about sex Males: 29% Females: 42% 
Males: 75% Females: 67% Masturbation 

Males: 32% Females: 40% 


Sending risqué e-mail 
Males: 32% Females: 36% 
Visiting sex sites on the 
Internet 


Males: 36% Females: 38% Having sex with his or her regular 
Kissing partner in the office 
Males: 43% Females: 55% Males: 19% Females: 23% 


Keeping condoms or birth-control 


devices in your desk 
Males: 17% 


Females: 30% 


reported getting completely na- 
Кей.) Many of our subjects did it on 
company time on company prem- 
ises—on desks, on couches, in 
conference rooms, in copy or sup- 
ply closets, in parking lots—or 
in hotels on business trips. The 
range of sexual behavior is whole- 
some, joyful and sophisticated. 
It begins with fantasy. 


*Two out of three wom- 
en and three out of four 
men reported that they 
had sexual thoughts 
about co-workers. 


Women were nearly twice as 
likely to have had sexual thoughts 
about the boss (43 percent of our 
female respondents compared 
with 24 percent of the men). Wom- 
en were twice as likely to say pow- 
ег is an aphrodisiac (40 percent 
versus 17 percent). 

Fantasy leads to fact. Almost 
half (46 percent) of the women who 
had office sex slept with the boss; 
only, 18 percent of the men could 
make that claim. The statistics 
suggest that they do it in the cor- 
porate suite. Among the women 
who had office sex, 37 percent did 
it in the boss’ office or on his desk. 
Undoubtedly, these differences re- 
flect the demographics of power— 
there are more male bosses in the 
workplace. 

An old saw holds that women 
sleep up, while men sleep around. 
Indeed, men were more likely than 
women to sleep with peers (75 per- 
cent versus 65 percent). Demo- 
graphics might explain why men 
were more likely than women to 
fantasize about subordinates (29 
percent versus 19 percent) or cli- 
ents or customers (48 percent ver- 
sus 36 percent)—they are in more 
positions of power and may travel 
more. But one finding took us by 
complete surprise: 


«Women were more 
likely than men to sleep 
with interns (20 percent 
versus 12 percent). 

THE WHY OF OFFICE SEX 
Q: If you met the same person 
outside of work, would you 


have been interested? 
(continued on page 97) 


N THEIR OWN 


The Hot, the Heavy, the Hilarious: 
True Coufessions From the Corridors 
of Power 


On the Same Page 


Road Trip Rules 


| travel a lot on business and 
find the experience liberating. On 
one trip, | masturbated while stand- 
ing naked in front of my hotel win- 
dow, looking across at an apart- 
ment building. | saw somebody 
watching. We both masturbated 
while watching each other, then 
| made motions for him to call. 
He wound up in my bed. Being 
watched while in the window was 
the fulfillment of a fantasy for me; 
the rest was icing on the cake 
(Female, married, 32) 


Worst Nightmare 


Sometimes it can be difficult to discipline or terminate someone you are fucking. 


It is a delicate balance. 


highly competent people. (Male, single, 37) 


Express Male 


General Hospital 


| work with a group of men and 
women on the inpatient unit at a psy- 
chiatric hospital. We were all around 
the same age and single, and it was 
not uncommon to hear of one co- 
worker hooking up with another. My 
turn came one Saturday night after a 
long night of partying at a co-work- 
er's apartment. | found myself a hot 
young blond who had just joined our 
staff. We ended up at his place and 
had a sex marathon for the next 12 
hours. He ran out once to resupply 
our stock of condoms. Monday morn- 
ing back at work was exciting as we 
smiled and giggled when we passed 
each other in the hall. Thoughts of his 
penis touching my lips and inside my 
warm, wet mouth only made me want 


ly assistant pulled down her pants 
to reveal a black thong. She asked if | wanted to 
“get me some of that.” (Male, no 


age given) 


him more. My fantasies came to a 
crashing halt when we met that night 
after work—1 got "the talk." He said, 
“I try hard not to complicate my life.” 
All | could think was, What was his 
problem? Eventually he moved on to 
another female co-worker, then an- 


The sexiest thing 


" she ever did was to flash 


The most important thing to remember is to fuck only 


Better Than a Xerox 


other. We all requested transfers. It 
was as if we all had become jaded, 
and it was no longer a fun, flirty place 
to work. Somehow we ruined it by 
bringing in all the thoughts and feel- 
ings that complicate things—jeal- 
сизу, insecurity, confusion, possible 


love and most definitely lust. 


(Female, single, 30) 


' me via e-mail. One day she 
wore a short skirt and no 
undies. Throughout the day | 


she'd e-mail photos 
taken under her desk. 
(Male, single, 32) 


06:45 РИ 10/18/0287 


THE THREE-MARTINI HUNCH 


The majority of men and women 
said they socialize with their peers 
outside of work. More than half do so 
occasionally. Women were twice as 
likely as men to do so frequently (23 
percent versus 13 percent). Some 
view it as a way to blow off steam. 
The resthad something else in mind. 


928 percent of the women and 15 
percent of the men said an invita- 
tion to have drinks is a definite in- 
dication of sexual interest, while 
more than half of our subjects said 
that it indicates a “maybe,” a way 
for friends to test the waters. 


THE RISK 


«22 percent of our respondents said they had 
stumbled across people having sex in the workplace. 


*11 percent of our respondents said they 


At a weekend seminar (which in- had been caught in the act. 


cluded a cookout), | introduced the 
notion of tequila body shots. By one 
A.M., | wes sitting on a sofa with а col- 
league on my lap. She was wearing a 
short pair of cutoffs, and I was run- 
ning my hands up and down her 
legs. By two a.m., | had massaged her 
back and was slipping my hands un- 
der her shorts. By three a.n., | suggest- 
ed that we go to the hot tub. (Male, 
married, 39) 


GOSSIP AS FOREPLAY 


I was working late on an account when | saw Stacy, my incredibly hot and 
remarkably single co-worker, at the copy machine. She was wearing a very 
short skirt and no underwear. When she leaned over to grab something that 
had fallen behind the copier, her skirt slipped up and ! saw everything. Notic- 
ing me, she asked if | liked what | saw. | answered with a mumble that sort of 
sounded like a yes. We screwed right then and there for what seemed like a 
couple of hours. After we finished we remembered the cameras on the ceiling 
and the no-sex-of-any-sort policy at work, but we didn't care. The next day we 
were called into the boss’ office and fired on the spot. On the way out І asked 
for the tape, but he wouldn't give it to me. (Male, single, 24) 


• 35 percent of the men and 45 
percent of the women gossiped 
about the behavior of co-workers. 


* Not surprisingly, the people who 
gossiped were more likely to have 
had sex in the workplace. 


Only one of our subjects defended 
reticence: 


I do not participate in sexual gos- 
Sip in a professional context. | really 
couldn't care less if the senior vice 
president likes to wear crotchless 
panties and be beaten with a cat-o'- 
nine-tails. If he is competent and ef- 
fective and efficient in his profession- 
al duties, that's all 1 need to know 
about him. To know his sexual pro- 
clivities would only damage his cred- 


ibility. Honestly, could you take direc- 
tion from a man dressed like Little Bo- 
Peep? I couldn't 


On the other hand, there are those 
who gossiped about the boss 


І have heard that the chief execu- 
tive and assisiant had sex in his office 
and that their cleaner found a print- 
ed web-cam photograph shredded in 
the trash. This was soon followed 
by an employee-of-the- 
month award for the 
assistant, complete 
with a salary bonus. 
(Male, single, 18) 
®33 percent of 
men and 42 percent 
of women said they 
had tried to hook up with 


the subject of gossip. 

I heard that this girl had been giv- 
ing out blow jobs to anyone who 
came on to her. At first | didn't believe 
the gossip; this girl seemed like the 
quiet type. So the next day | went to 
see her. | went into her office and af- 
ter only a few words she was grab- 
bing my package. Man, was | glad I 
heard that gossip! (Male, single, 21) 


I treat work as my personal 
dating pool. It’s great, unless the 
girls get pissed and spread rumors 
that you weren't good in bed or you 


have a small penis. 
(Male, single, 26) 


Eight out of 10 men said yes; 
seven out of 10 women said 
the same. On the other hand, 
this means two out of 10 men 
and three out of 10 women 
believed the ice created in- 
terest and/or swayed sexual 
judgment. 


— 


When we asked what was sexy 
about the office, the overwhelming 
majority of respondents cited flirt- 
ing. Teasing works. More than half 
of the men and women said famil- 
iarity and proximity breed lust 
(spend enough time with someone 
and eventually you'll be tempted). 
The same number said curiosity 
(“What are they really like?”) was a 
motivating factor. Men were more 
likely to be aroused by office fash- 
ion, but only slightly (60 percent —. _ 
versus 48 percent of women). 

About a third of our subjects 
said that competence was attrac- 
tive and that the level of communi- 
cation in the office was better than 
with strangers. About one in five 


I think 
sexual talk and flirting 
are healthy. I've been a 
manager in several different 
offices and find I do my best 
work when I am working with 
a strong, bright person. | al- 
. ways get a sexual feeling 
when the work is good. 

(Female, married, 34) 


thought that teamwork was an 
aphrodisiac. 

Even without consummating the 
act, some found the atmosphere 
pleasurable: 

1 worked in an office as the on- 
ly male with 15 women. Under to- 
day's rules | had an ironclad case for 
sexual harassment. | was groped, 
grabbed and repeatedly proposi- 
tioned. But being such a sex object 
was actually one of the most gratify- 
ing experiences of my life. It made me 
blush a few times, but I'd go home 
feeling sexy. (Male, married, 34) 

And going all the way was even 
better: 

1 was working for a large company 

(continued on page 100) 


> MUNSTEH'S BALL _ 


you can run but you can’t hide 


By Ken Gross Big SUVs are 


here to stay. The Navigator helped put 
Lincoln back on shopping lists. Cadil- 
lac’s Escalade (above) has spawned 
_ another, longer 2003 version named 

the ESV. Owners of Volvos, BMWs, 
Porsches and Volkswagens could soon 
be trucking in vehicles that aren't too 
far away from trucks. General Motors 
and AM General's Hummer? (opposite 


тесі version of the go- 
anywhere military machine that beat 
Saddam's Republican Guard. Go! any 
18-inch steps you need to climb? No 
problem. The $49,000 Hummer? will 
walk right up and over them. Plus, un- 
like its urban predecessor, Hummer? is 
small enough for you to reach over and 
touch whoever is riding shotgun. The 
flip side to (concluded on page 182) 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARO IZUI 


> 
o 
а 
> 
< 
a 
= 


SEX SURVEY 


(continued from page 97) 
in downtown Houston and was very attract- 
ed to a man I worked closely with. There was 
а lot of flirting between us, and one night 
while working late, we just started kissing in 
the conference room. We were fondling each 
other, ripping clothes, sucking, licking —you 
name it, we were doing it. We were lying on 
the table, and neither of us had a condom 
and I was not about to take any chances. I 
rolled on top of him and slid him down to the 
edge of the table, got on my knees and gave 
him a blow job. Before he came, he grabbed 
me, ripped off my bra and threw me down on 
the table. He came all over the place. There 
was come on the charts and ad work we were 
to present the next morning al a board meel- 
ing. (Female, married, 29) 

It's fun to see a sexual partner on a 
daily basis, especially when your re- 
lationship is secret. We heard it de- 
scribed as eight hours of foreplay, de- 
lightful distraction, being in heat all the 
time. More than one person said office 
sex provided motivation: “I started ar- 
riving earlier and working later, and 1 
never took a day off because of illness.” 

The most common complaint about 
sex in the workplace was not the sex 
but the end of sex. Jealousy, turf wars 
and close proximity can make breaking 
up problematic. The confined space 
that makes office sex sizzle can turn a 
breakup into bad theater (“She was a 
drama queen") or unending torture 

When 1 saw her at work the next day, she 
treated me like nothing had happened. 1 
tried to start a conversation with her at her 
desk, and she basically blew me off. It was а 
self-esteem destroyer. 1 felt completely used 
and refused. She's still working with me, but 
Гое heard she's taken advantage of a couple 
of my co-workers and has gotten herself a 
nasty reputation. At least her being talked 
about behind her back has provided me with 
some sense of revenge, but Lo this day, even 
though 1 got laid and everything, I'm dis- 
gusted about having been played by a chick. 
(Male, single, 21) 

The workplace is like high school, 
only you get paid to show up. If you 
handle yourself knowing you will see 
the person again, you should survive. 


LUST AND MARRIAGE, 


* About a third of office flings were 
just that—one-shot affairs or some- 
thing that was over in a few days. 

* About a third lasted longer than a 
Few weeks. 

® About a quarter evolved into mul- 
tiyear relationships. 

* Seven percent of the men who 
had office sex ended up marrying their 
partner; six percent of the women did. 

We had a secret affair for about four 
months. Every day we would fuck. Either he 
would ask to see me in his office (he would 


lift up my skirt as he bent me over his desk), 
or we would have a nooner at his apartment. 
One tame he called me into the warehouse area 
and we fucked against a wall in the storage 
area. It was the greatest sex of my life—this 
man made me come every time. Eventually, 
we got caught. We left work early to go toa 
Cubs game, and we were sitting in the front 
row when he got hit in the head with a bat. 
The accident appeared all over the TV, and 
from then on everyone knew. In the end we 
got married. And, yes, we have a tape of the 
Cubs game. (Female, married, 24) 

We asked our group to describe their 
most recent office fling: 

6 48 percent of the women and 61 
percent of the men said both partners 
were single. 

® 29 percent of the women and 16 
percent of the men said their partner 
was married. 

* Eight percent of the women and 
nine percent of the men said they were 
the ones cheating. 

* 15 percent of the women and 14 
percent of the men said that both were 
married. 

1 was dancing with her at the office Christ- 
mas party when she leaned toward me and 
said, “If you weren't married, I'd want to 
suck your cock.” I asked, “Why should you 
care that I'm married—you are, too!” She 
shrugged and smiled. We danced. Then she 
took me by the hand out of the room. Anoth- 
er company was having its Christmas party 
at the same hotel. "Let's join them,” she said. 
She turned around, with her back tome, and 
put my hands on her breasts. People were try- 
ing not to look. She worked her hand doun 
the front of my pants. "You're so hard,” she 
whispered in my ear. I noticed that the party 
was being videotaped, but it didn't matter. 
No one here knew us. She took me by the 
hand, again, and we walked out the door in- 
to a hallway. We went into an adjacent of- 
fice building and stepped behind a concrete 
column. She dropped to her knees and undid 
my trousers. After a few moments had passed, 
she paused ta look up and say, “I want you 
to come across my face.” "No," I replied, "I 
want to have sex with you.” She said, “Гие 
never done that with anyone but my hus- 
band, and I haven't got a condom." I took a 
condom out of my pocket and put it on. She 
stood up, then bent over against a concrete 
column. Lifting her dress and pulling her 
panties to the side, she stuck her ass out to- 
ward me—"How do you want me?" I en- 
tered her and began thrusting, leaning 
against the column with my left arm. Then 
we noticed we were being watched. Mointe- 
nance workers down the walkway, in the 
door of the hotel, were looking our way. 
“Shh,” I said, and began to thrust more slow- 
ly. Suddenly, she straightened up, brushed 
her dress down and set off walking down the 
pathway back to the hotel. There I was, with 
my pants around my ankles, my cock throb- 
bing in a condom, alone in the night. I 
pulled up my pants, buckled my belt and fol- 


lowed her back, catching up with her as she 
arrived al the hotel bar. И was pretty clear we 
weren't going lo finish. Her husband was al 
the bar when we walked in. “Where the hell 
have you two been?” Then, turning to me, 
“Fucking my wife?" We had a good laugh 
about that. I ordered a drink, then excused 
myself to go to the men's room lo take off the 
condom. (Male, married, 42) 

Call it the “I may be married, but I'm 
not dead” factor. Marrieds were just as 
likely as singles to flirt, fantasize and 
gossip. Husbands were more likely than 
singles to spend time looking at sex 
sites on the Internet (41 percent of mar 
ried guys compared to 34 percent of 
single guys). Although they socialized 
after work, married people were twice 
as likely as singles to view an invitation 
to drinks as work-related, not sexual. 

Married men were more likely than 
singles to have had sex with a subordi- 
nate (32 percent versus 24 percent), 
perhaps because they tended to be old- 
er (and, consequently, more likely to be 
in positions with people working un- 
der them). Married women were less 
likely than single women to have slept 
with the boss (36 percent versus 49 
percent). When it came to ha 
with interns, though, 
gender were the most likely opportun- 
ists. Bill Clinton was an exception, not 
the rule. 

On the trust-your-lust question, sin- 
gle and married men were in harmony 
with their hormones. But married wom- 
en were far more likely to admit that 
the office tempted them (41 percent 
said they would not have been interest- 
ed in the same guy outside the office, 
compared to 28 percent of singles). 

Marital status influenced where lovers 
had sex: Married people were far les 
likely to bring the affair home for obvi- 
ous reasons. The married were slightly 
more likely to have sex in hotels and mo- 
tels. Married men also favored qui 
in the parking lot. Those indulging i 
little extramarital action were less in- 
clined than singles to do it on desks, con- 
ference tables and the like. Call it re- 
straint or discretion (more on that ina 
moment). When one member was mar 
ried, the participants were far more like- 
ly to try to keep the affair secret. 

She was the head of one department; I 
was the head of another. It started with 
drinks after work and turned into a daily 
st. We found reasons to be in each oth- 
ету office three or four times a day. On the 
way to lunch I would barely have the car in 
gear before she would have my pants undone 
and be sucking me. For two years we didn't 
eat lunch. She was both an exhibitionist and 
a sexual dynamo. She'd wear по bra, a gar- 
ter belt and no panties. In crowded meetings 
she'd expose herself to me and make sexual 
gestures. Then we would hit an office and 

(concluded on page 180) 


Santa Clues 


2? 
aan y 


= 
AZABETHL 
EN 


Ah 


VANAWARZZ_* AORE G 
E M 


102 


THE 
DEATH 
NETWORK NEWS 


how did dan, tom and peter become dinosaurs? 


and why is cable news getting all the buzz? 


By BILL O’REILLY 


hen it comes to the current 

state of network news in this 
country, the words of Crosby, Stills 
and Nash may say it best: “It’s been 
a long time coming/Gonna be a long 
time gone.” With more Americans 
currently watching cable TV than 
the broadcast networks, the audi- 
ences for network news would have 
declined even if the news divisions 
were cutting edge. But cutting edge 
isn't even close when discussing 
what ABC, CBS and NBC put on 
their nightly news- 


swer is that network news is tim- 
id and predictable. There's simply 
no juice. 

The interesting part is that, in my 
opinion, the journalists working at 
the three networks are the best in 
the world. You don’t survive at that 
level unless you know what you're 
doing. When it comes to covering 
news, nobody does it better than 
network news correspondents and 
producers—and that includes news- 
paper reporters. 

But the corporate 


casts. Switch on the Viewership for culture at the networks 
television in the early is fierce. Almost ev- 
evening and you will Же nightly news erybody I know who 
see the same stories works for the big three 
done the same way on has fallen al- works scared. There is 
all three networks. Pon- ferocious infighting for 
derous and slow, ће Mos! 40 percent» assignments and air- 
broadcasts are like di- time, The network news 


nosaurs seeking to survive severe 
climatic changes. Will the evening 
newscasts become extinct? Maybe. 
Are they already irrelevant? Many 
viewers, especially those under the 
age of 55, think so. 

Here are the stats, and they're not 
pretty. Since 1982, viewership for 
the three nightly newscasts has fall- 
enalmost 40 percent, and the demo- 
graphics have totally collapsed. Ac- 
cording to the Nielsen ratings, the 
average age for Americans watching 
Dan Rather is 60. For those tuning 
in Peter Jennings, it's 58. Tom Bro- 
kaw attracts the youngest crowd— 
the average age of viewers watching 
him is 57. The golden girls love 
these guys—however, almost every- 
body else has bailed. Why? The an- 


runs 22 minutes each night. There 
are dozens of correspondents. Do 
the math. 

And then there are the figurative 
assassinations. If Dan Rather gets 
run over by a bus tomorrow, who 
steps in? Ray Romano? Where are 
the heirs apparent at CBS? Rather is 
north of 70 years old. There is no- 
body behind him. 

That, of course, is no accident. I 
worked for CBS in the early Eight- 
ies when Rather had just taken over 
from Walter Cronkite. I swaggered 
into CBS as a hotshot reporter from 
WCBS, the New York flagship sta- 
tion. Six months later they carried 
me out in a body bag. 

CBS News as well as ABC News 
and NBC (concluded on page 193) 


ILLUSTRATION BY MARK ULRIKSEN 


p 


) 
1 
ыы тыр 


SEAT L ki 


104 


Christmas „= from page 88) 


“Electrocution. The burns on the hand and foot— 
where the juice went in and out.’ 


and looked inside. There was an in- 
scription on the curved brass, but he 
couldn't read it. He walked over to the 
window and angled the instrument so 
sunlight flooded into the bell. 


Calumet Instruments 

Chicago, Illinois 

Custom-made for Quentin McKinzie, 
1963 

The Sweet Spot 


Bosch read it again. His temples sud- 
denly felt as if someone had pressed 
hot quarters against them. A flash mem- 
ory filled his thoughts. A musician un- 
der the canopy set up on the deck of the 
ship. The soldiers crowded close. The 
beautiful and agile. 
esus, Harry, you look like you've 
seen a ghost. What's it say?” 

Bosch looked over at Braxton, the 
memory retreating into the darkness. 

“Let's go.” 

Bosch let Braxton drive so that he 
could hold and study the saxophone. 
“You ever heard of Quentin McKin- 
zie?" he asked after they were halfway 
back to the station. 

“1 don't think so.” 

“They called him Sugar Ray McK. 
On account of when he played the sax 
he'd bob and weave like the fighter 
Sugar Ray Robinson. He was good. Hc 
was mostly a session guy, but he put out 
a few records. The Sweet Spot, you never 
heard that tune?" 

"Sorry, man, not into jazz. 1 listen to 
country, myself." 

Bosch felt disappointed. He wanted 
to tell him about that day on the ship, 
but if Braxton didn't know jazz, it 
couldn't be explained. 

“What's the connection?” 
asked. 

Bosch held up the saxophone. 

"This was his. It says so right insid 
“Custom-made for Quentin McKinz 
That's Sugar Ray McK.” 

“You ever see him play?” 

“One time. Nineteen 

Braxton whistled. 

“Long time ago. You think he's still 
alive’ 

“I don't know. He's not recording. 
Not in along ume.” 

Bosch looked at the saxophone. 

“Can't record without this anyway, I 
suppose.” 

Bosch's cell phone chirped. It was 
Edgar. 

“We've got lividity issues,” he said. 


Braxton 


“This guy was moved.” 

“And what's the ME say about cause?” 

“He's going with your theory at the 
moment. Electrocution. The burns on 
the hand and foot—where the juice 
went in and out.” 

“You find the source?” 

"I looked around. Can't find it.” 

Bosch thought about all of this. Post- 
mortem lividity was the settling of the 
blood in a dead body. It was a purple 
gravity line. If a body is moved after 
the blood has settled, a new рга 
will appear. An easy tip-off- 

“You looked around the case where 
the glove was?” 

“Yeah, I looked. I can't find any elec- 
trical source that can explain this. The 
case you're talking about has internal 
lighting, but there's no malfunction.” 

“You do a property inventory on the 
guy уе?” 

“Yeah, nothing. Pockets empty. No 
ID or anything else.” 

“TI call you back.” 

When they got to the detective bu- 
reau, Braxton went to get the reports 
on the prior burglaries at Three Kings. 
Bosch went to interview room three. 
Servan was calmly sitting at the table. 

“Mr. Servan, are you all right? It 
shouldn't be too much longer.” 

“Yeah, OK, OK. You find?” 

He pointed to the saxophone. Bosch 
nodded. 

“Did this come from your store?” 

Servan studied the instrument and 
nodded vigorously. 

“I think so, yes.” 

“OK, well, we'll find out for sure. 
We've got a few things to do and then 
we'll get back to you.” 

Bosch left him there. When he got to 
the homicide table Braxton had the bur- 
glary reports. Bosch told him to take 
the photo of Kelman they had pulled 
off the computer and show it to Ser- 
van to see if he recognized Kelman asa 
customer. 

After Braxton was gone, Bosch start- 
ed looking through the burglary re- 
ports, beginning with the first break- 
in at Three Kings. He quickly flipped 
through the pages unul he got to the 
stolen-property inventory. There was 
no saxophone on the list. He scanned 
the items listed and determined they 
were all small pieces taken from the 
lighted display cabinet. 

He flipped back to the summary, 
which had been written by Braxton. It 


reported that the unknown suspect or 
suspects had broken through the rear 
door to enter the establishment, then 
had emptied the display case contain- 
ing the highest-value items. Braxton 
noted that the display case had a key 
lock that had either been left unlocked 
or expertly picked by the thief. 

He went on to the next report and 
found a saxophone listed on the stolen- 
property inventory. It was described 
as a tenor saxophone that had been 
pawned by someone named Donald 
Teed. Nikolai Servan had given him 
$200 for the instrument. Because the 
saxophone he pawned had been stolen, 
Teed was also a victim of the crime. He 
had been contacted by Braxton and in- 
formed. Teed's work number was on 
the report. 

Bosch picked up the telephone and 
punched in the number. It was an- 
swered immediately by a woman who 
said, “Splendid Age Retirement Home.” 

“Yes, is Donald Teed a resident 
there?” 

“A resident? No. We have a Donald 
Teed who works here.” 

“Is he there: 

“He is here today, but I'm not sure 
where he is right now. He’s a custodian 
and moves around. Who is calling? Is 
this a solicitation?” 

Bosch felt things falling into place. 
He decided to take a shot. 

“Can you tell me if there is someone 
there named Quentin McKinzie?" 

“Yes, Mr. McKinzie is one of our res- 
idents. What is this about?” 

“ГЇЇ call back.” 

He hung up as Braxton came back to 
the homicide table. 

“Yeah, he recognizes him,” he said 
“Said he came into the store a couple 
days ago. Looked at some of the coins 
in the case.” 

Bosch nodded but didn't say any- 
thing. After a few moments Braxton 
got ured of waiting. 

“Harry, what else you need from me?” 

“Um, can you go back in there and 
ask him about the display case? Ask 
him if he’s sure he locked it every time: 
On all the burglaries.” 

He could tell Braxton was still wait 
ing by the table. 

"What?" 

"What am I? The errand boy here?” 

“No, Brax, you're the guy he trusts. 
Go ask him the question. And before 
you do, turn the video back on and ad- 
vise him of his rights.” 

“You sure? 

Bosch looked up at him. 

“Just go do 

Braxton wasn't long 

“He said he absolutely locks that 
case. Even when he's open for business 

(continued on page 176) 


mu 


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WHERE AND НОМ TO BUY ON PAGE 196. 


PLAYBOY 


108 


BIRTH OF THE MOB 


(continued from page 74) 
1 wanted to complicate that emotional- 
ly. His father was a great figure of the 
gangs, killed ritualistically by his 
г nl, Bill the Butcher. Bill is such a 
feared presence in the community that 
it would be important that Amster- 
dam avenge his father where everyone 
would see it. So he has to get close to 
him and become almost like a son. 
PLAYBOY: Do you see vourself in any of 
your characters? 
SCORSESE: The Bill character is so out 
there. In part, it's about Bill getting 
older. It's like me sitting here, telling 
you that at the age of 59, I don't listen 
to new music or rush out to see the new 
film everyone is talking about. I prefer 
not to hear anything about а film, I just 
don't like all the hype. 
PLAYBOY: But Gangs isa big-budget film, 
and you can't sell a big budget film 
without hype. 
SCORSESE: There is just too much talk. 
Everybody knows everything about 
these movies. I want to be surprised. 1 
wouldn't want to know that Gangs was 
shot in Rome. The rationale is that they 
are selling the picture, but you know 
the real reason? They've got all this 
junk time to fill on cable and satellite 
TV. There is nothing of any substance 
and so there are all these secrets being 
given to the viewer, even though you'd 
enjoy the picture more if you didn't 
know what was going to happen. The 
title Gangs of New York conveys where 
s, but when the picture opens, you 
don't see the title and 1 don't say it's 
New York until after 15 minutes into 
the film. I try to convey the impression 
it could be medieval England. some 
postapocalyptic world, you don't know. 
"Then, a shot that rises from the ground 
and goes all the way up into the air, 
looking down on the geography as it 
says, "New York City, 1846." That'll get 
a big laugh from New Yorkers, partic- 
ularly after the violent sequence that 
preceded it. But that surprise is all 
gone now, because there is so much air- 
ште that has to be filled, and you don't 
want it going to other films. So you re- 
veal all your secrets. 
PLAYBOY: Do you still go to the movies? 
scoksese: I'm getting older, and I feel 
older. I don't really know how to go 
about it. Buy a ticket, wait in line? 1 
don't feel the need to. 
PLAYBOY: Don't you need to remain in 
tune with audiences? 
SCORSESE: I don't know if I want to be in 
tune with an audience going to a block- 
buster. I go to one of these multiplex- 
es in Los Angeles if they're playing 
certain independent films. But | have 
stopped going in New York for quite a 
few years. A lot of the theaters I felt 


comfortable in are gone. I watch mov- 
ies in my screening room and distrib- 
utors are kind enough to lend a print 
they're not using. But I mostly watch 
older movies, foreign films. 

playboy: Why was there so much focus 
on the problems around Gangs if it was 
part of the usual give-and-take? 
SCORSESE: 1 can tell you why. Harvey is 
good with the media. He likes it. It's 
part of who he is. But Harvey's enthu- 
siasm feeds the media and sets expecta- 
Чоп. He said the picture is coming out 
on Christmas 2001. He really wanted 
that and I really tried. But the first 
responsibility you have is to make the 
best possible movie you can. The me- 
dia have fixated on the film because 
he has spoken about it а lot. He an- 
nounced и a number of times. I haven't. 
PLAYBOY: This seems to be a new expe- 
rience for you. 

SCORSESE: What he was saying in public 
other studio people in my other movies 
told me privately. The reality is, this 
was no worse than Goodfellas, which 
was not made on an epic scale. I fin- 
ished shooting August 23, 1989—1'll 
never forget it, because 1 had Akira 
Kurosawa waiting for me to play Van 
Gogh in his movie Dreams. 1 was 15 
days late on my movie, but nobody in 
the media was monitoring Goodfellas. 
This 80-year-old man I admired, Kuro- 
sawa, had finished Dreams and he was 
waiting for me. ГИ never forget the 
anxiety 1 felt finishing that film, which 
Warner Bros. then released in October 
1990. Proportionately, it’s the same as 
Gangs of New York, because after Sep- 
tember 11 happened, we postponed 
our opening a full year. 

PLAYBOY: You decided that the depic- 
tion of anarchy in New York City. even 
in the 19th century, was inappropriate 
two months after the World Trade С. 
ter attack? 
SCORSESE: Harvey and I didn’t feel that 
it was right, so we slowed down. The 
only difference between Gangs and 
Goodfellas is that with Gangs, all the con- 
versations you have with the studio, pro- 
ducers, agents or managers that used 
to be private are now public. Imagine 
that in a marriage. But it's Harvey's 
personality, he knows how to work the 
media, and if he says put it out at 
Christmas, fine. I have no idea when to 
release a movie. A couple of times I had 
direct input in how to release a film 
and what the PR campaign should be. 
It worked out terribly. I ruined Mean 
Streets. 

PLAYBOY: How? 

SCORSESE: We got good reviews at the 
New York Film Festival in 1973, and 
Warner Bros. wanted to play it in one 
theater in New York, then open it here 
and there. But because the reviews were 


so good, I thought we should follow 


the pattern of Five Easy Pieces, a previ- 
ous festival hit. Open it in five cities, 
one theater each, immediately. 1 pressed 
for that, they did it. And nobody went 
to see it. It needed nurturing. They got 
it in New York and Los Angeles, but 
they weren't amused in Texas. 

Then when Taxi Driver came along. 1 
thought of it as a labor of love nobody 
was going to see. We'd had problems 
with censorship, the studio got mad at 
me because they'd been threatened 
with an X rating. I loved this Belgian 
artist and wanted him to make a paint- 
ing that would be the poster for Taxi 
Dnver. lt was beautiful and 1 loved it. 
The studio made a B-movie poster. just 
black and white, Bob De Niro walk 
up Eighth Avenue, a porn theater be 
hind him and it said, “In every city, 
there's one.” 1 hated that poster, but it 
was the one that sold the picture. So it 
behooves me to listen to people who 
know about marketing. If Harvey want- 
ed to open Gangs of New York on the 
moon during the vernal equinox, or 
ume it with a celebration of the birth of 
Apollo, it would be OK with me. 
PLAYBOY: Usually the directors of big- 
budget movies make piles of money. Is 
it true you gave back your money? 
DRSESE: Well, Leo and 1 did put mon- 
ey into the picture. I gave back most of 
my salary, which I'd never done before. 
ill you make money if the 


SCORSESE: I'm not even thinking of that. 
The die is cast. It was in my mind only 
to get the best possible picture on the 
screen. I hope to start another picture 
in February, so let's put the word out 
right now. Гат ready to work, who 
wants to hire me? Га like to be paid 
this time. I'm not asking a lot, Pd just 
like to be paid. I've stood in economic 
danger a little too long. I didn't really 
get much ofa salary on The Last Templa- 
tion of Christ or After Hours. For a while, 
1 was talking about steady television 
producing. [ tried, but I'm more inter- 
ested in making documentaries about 
film that might touch some young ac- 
tors, writers and directors who didn't 
know about De Sica's Bicycle Thief or 
Ermanno Olmi's The Fiancés. 
PLAYBOY: There's no money in documen- 
taries. Sounds like you're on your way 
to becoming a nonprofit organization 
SCORSESE: You're telling me. But I want 
to do what's right. 1 don't care about 
the money at this point, only enough so 
that I can live. I have a little family. I've 
always been that way. 
PLAYBOY: Why did you settle on Di- 
Caprio as the linchpin for Gangs? 
SCORSESE: De Niro had told me about 
him, after working with him on This 
Boy's Life. Bob doesn't mention many 
names, so when he does, it registers. 
(continued on page 185) 


“Here's your Christmas present, darling!” 


EBECCA RAMOS must have had litigants lined up 
for blocks when she practiced law in the Lone Star State. Al- 
though Miss January graduated magna cum laude with a 
В.В.А. in finance and passed the bar, the San Antonio native 
did a career 180 and became a pharmaceutical representa- 
live five years ago. “I was a lawyer at a large firm for three 
years before 1 moved to Ireland with my fiancé,” she says 
“That didn't work out, but when I came back I met someone 
who was a manager at a pharmaceutical company, and he of- 


THE 
RAMOS FIZZ, 


miss january is an intoxicating cocktail—part lawyer, 
part businesswoman, all knockout 


" Rebecca boasts a Mexican heritage— 


istinguished one. “My grandfather, Henry 
Gonzalez, was the first Mexican American in the Texas state 
senate, and he went on to serve in the U.S. House of Repre- 
sentatives for 30 years, where he became chairman of the 
Banking and Finance Committee. I remember being in the 
second grade and reading about him in our history books. 
My uncle, Charlie Gonzalez, succeeded my grandfather in 
Congress after he stepped down.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


111 


Now it's Rebecca's turn to fol- 
low family tradition and make his- 
tory. At 35, she's the oldest 
an ever to become a Playmate, 
and she is proud to help shat- 
ter preconceptions about the wom- 
еп who pose for PLAYBOY. "It's a 
culturally diverse country, so it 
makes sense to feature different 
women,” she says. “You don't 
have to be a skinny supermodel 
in your early 20s to be a Play 
mate.” Rebecca kept surprising 
us, especially when she described 
what kind of guy she’s attracted 
to. “I love men who are cerebral, 


almost nerdy,” she says. “It's not 
about looks for me at all. If he's 
wild on the inside or has a wealth 


of knowledge, I love it!" She 
gives a throaty laugh when we 
ask about her idea of a perfect 
romantic evening. “I can tell 
women stress over that question, 
probably sitting in the makeup 
chair," she says. “One said her 
perfect date was 'a candlelit din- 
ner in Paris, then a walk on the 
beach.’ I'm thinking, What beach 
in Paris? 1 would like to stay at 
the Hétel de Paris Monte Carlo 
in Monaco and take a roman- 
tic stroll on the Riviera, followed 
by amazing sex. That would be 
ideal.” 

Rebecca says she would like to 
move to Los Angeles because it 
would be a “fun, liberal place to 
live” for a while. “I would love to 
be married at some point,” she 

“] want a meaningful rela- 
tionship, and I feel like Гуе wait- 
<d this long for a reason. With- 
in the next five years, I hope to 
meet that wonderful person. 


See more of Miss January at cyber. 
playboy.com. 


"| never thought 1 would get the 
chance to pose for PLAYBOY,” says 
Rebecca. "When I heard your scouts 
were coming to San Antonio, | had 
to go to the cattle call. One thing led 
to another, and | appeared in the Ju- 
ly 2000 Latin ladies pictorial and be- 
came a Playbay.com Cyber Girl. Be- 
ing Miss January could be а happy 
ending to a chapter in my life, or it 
might lead to something more. If it 
does, I'm sure I'll be successful at it.” 


э. 


a 


\! 
w 


7 


ІШЕК 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


ws. Khaa Anne amos 00: 
BUST: as DD лут. 94 urs: 24 
SSE or ПО 
BIRTH DATE: Ed Go] mmaa: Ор тла 
amprtions: a pursue. a mani әри persoral ana 
Profissional path with passion 
nemos: Ё aman cho 15 intelligent, oT has 
а sense of humor and is “adventurous. 
turnorrs: Men who are Controlling, Aisresnetful, _ 
de } 2 m , 


EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY: 


I HAVE A WEAKNESS ror: Chafplate.. 


I AM MOST PROUD OF: 


Fitness and my 5 accomplishments in politics. 
IF I HAD MORE TIME, I wor: Become fluent in Spanish - 


Š “ 5 
With Resident Carter ПА Srade Me ШІ 
at the white House. Sis-boom-bah! with my Pussy. 


PLAYBOY”S PARTY JOKES 


Three men walked into a bar. A priest, a pe- 
dophile and a homosexual. Actually, that was 
just the first guy. 


A newspaper reported a truckload of Viagra 
has been hijacked. Police are looking for hard- 
ened criminals. 


The government is requiring new food labels 
that are more specific. Products will now be la- 
beled: no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but 
great personality. 


What do a condom and a coffin have in 
common? 

"They're both filled with stiffs. But one's com- 
ing and one's going. 


Two паһапв, Venanzio and Lorenzo, were sit- 
ting at a cafe. Venanzio said, “Do you li 
ugly woman witha longa straggly һай 

“No, I don't like dat,” Lorenzo replied. 

“Then, do you like a woman witha garlic 
breath?" Venanzio asked. 

“No, I don't like dat, either," Lorenzo said. 

“Then you musta like a woman with a fat ass 
anna varicose veins?” Venanzio said. 

“Notta me,” Lorenzo answered. 

м paused, then asked, “So whya you 
keepa screwing my wile 


What are the four secrets 10 having a happy 
iage? 

It is important to find a woman who cooks 
and cleans. 
is important to find a woman who has a lot 
of money. 

It is important to find a woman who likes to 
have sex. 

It is important that these three women nev- 
er meet. 


Рилувох cisssic: What two words will clear 
out a men's rest 


"Nice dick." 


What do you call two Mexicans who are play- 
ing basketball? 
Juan on Ju 


Why does a man have a hole in his penis? 
To get air to his brain. 


How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? 
Out of a catalog. 


What is the punishment for bigamy? 
‘Two mothers-in-law. 


A widowed woman was sitting alone on the 
beach when an older gentleman sat down near 
her. Smiling, the woman said, “Hello. How are 
you today?” 
Fine, thank you,” the man replied, and 
then opened a book. 

“I love the beach, 
here often?” 

“First time since my wife passed away last 
year,” he replied. 

“Do you live around here?” she asked. 
es," he answered, continuing to read. 

The woman couldn't think of what else to 
say. Finally she asked, “Do you like pussycats?” 

‘The man threw down his book, tore off both 
their swimsuits and made passionate love to 
her. When they were finished, the breathless 
woman asked, “How did you know that's what 
I wanted?" 

The man replied, "How did you know my 
name was Katz?" 


е said. "Do you come 


What do you get when you breed a donkey 
with an onion? 

Most of the time just an onion with long 
cars, but now and then, a piece of ass that will 
make your eyes water. 


А husband and wife were celebrating her 40th 
birthday at a aurant. He asked, "What 
would you like for your birthday, darling? A 
Jaguar? A пір to Europe? A fur coat? A dia- 
mond ring? 

She replied, "I want a divorce." 

"I'm sorry,” he said. "I wasn't plan 
spending that much." 


ing on 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playbay.com 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


1» 


“Reindeer style? Well, basically, it’s a lot like doggy style . . . ! 


123 


HE BLEW OUT OF WEST TEXAS, QUICK ON THE DRAW AND ITCHING FOR COMBAT. 


HERE’S THE SCARY PART: TO MEET HIM IS TO LIKE HIM 


Profile By MIKE SHROPSHIRE 


he economy! The sinking of the Dow! Enron! Halliburton! Harken! 

Worldcom! The trampling of civil liberties! John Ashcroft! The intelli- 

gence failures of September 11! Indecision on the Northern Alliance! 
Israel! Anthrax! Tom Ridge! Budget deficits! Iraq! By any standards, the high 
approval ratings of President George W. Bush are remarkable. Obviously, the Cowboy 
President has convinced Americans he is a leader. They're buying his talk of good ver- 
sus evil, his talk of those who aren't with us are against us. Texas talk, right out of the 
movies. "When I take action, I’m not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty 
tent and hit a camel in the butt," Bush said shortly after September 11. It was something his father would never— 
could never—say. You have the genetic heritage of Barbara Bush's sharp tongue to thank for that. For George 
W. Bush the notion of going after Saddam Hussein is not an act of jingoism, but raw and natural instinct. Texas 


is native habitat for every category of poisonous snake found in the Lower 48. (continued on page 166) 


ILLUSTRATION BY ANDREA VENTURA 


THE BEHIND IS THE CENTER OF A WHOLE NEW WORLD—A WORLD WHERE BUTT CHEEKS ARE THE NEW BREASTS 


KYLIE MINOGUE 


GILLIAN ANDERSON 
LOPEZ 


ج 
| 2 
,> 


BRIT BUTTS 4 E NINA KACZOROWSKI 


3 


\ © 
% 
| № 
| E 
Ë 
- mm 


In The Noked Ape, Desmond Morris theorized thot cleavage was a 
frontal representotion of the crack of a woman's ass—a practical 
woy for two-legged creatures to avoid bending over all the time to 
disploy the reol thing. But we doa’t need to be teased by ersatz 
cleavage anymore. The genuine item is all around us. 

The lure of the oss hos caused a tectonic shift in the cultural land- 


: [ROSE MCGOWAN 
ME 


E ЧА | 


scape. Celebrities used to spill out of their tops to steal a scene or get 
some press. These doys, when starlets wont to otfroct ottention of 
award ceremonies, they flosh their buns. (For evidence, check the 
photos.) There ore two reosons this is so titilloting—the left cheek 
and the right cheek. Peekaboo thongs have mode eoch cheek o 
stor. Instead of o single juicy peach, (concluded on page 154) 


HY CANCE 


MINE 
By el Silent 


hey were raisin’ hell all over earth 

When the noise got so damn loud 

That it reached up to heaven and woke up God, 
Who was sleepin’ on a king-size cloud. 


©. 


He says, “How they expect а body to rest 
When they raise hell at three in the morn? 
Damn, I'm gonna kill “ет all, 

Teach “ет а lesson— 

Hey, Gabriel, blow your horn.” 


Gabriel grins and fingers his valves. 

He says, “Ooh, I'm gonna play some shit. 
I been waitin’ so long, I got so many songs 
But the music has got to fit. 


ILLUSTRATION BY ARNOLD ROTH 


130 


“So tell me, how you gonna do it, Big G, 
With fire or with flood? 

You gonna plague ет with a pestilence, 
Or cover “ет over with mud? 


“You gonna hit 'em with a thunderbolt? 
Or maybe turn off the sun? 

Or just reach down a big old thumb 
And crush ‘em, one by one?” 


And God says, “Gabriel, y'know, now I see 
Just why you stayed so small. 

Why wreak my vengeance in just one way, 
When I can cause ‘em all? 


“So first Im gonna hang ‘ет 
And watch ‘ет squirm awhile 
But I think ГИ do it with neckties 
So they can choke in style. 


“Then while they're hangin} ГЇЇ come with fire 
And fill their lungs with smoke. 

But I'll let ‘em do it with cigarettes, 

And if that don't make 'em croak, 


“There's poisons that ГИ feed ‘ет 
In their daily bread each day. 
And they'll gulp the preservatives 
and eat the dyes 

And lick away the pesticide spray. 


“Then I'll destroy their mortal souls 
And like the serpents they’re gonna crawl 


For a puff of grass or a line of coke 
Or a sip of alcohol. 


“And ГИ bend their backs and break their minds 
By givin’ 'em prizes to chase 

And they'll sweat and they'll be 

strainin’ for that golden ring 

And they'll die while runnin’ the race. 


“And the thought of bein’ fat or old 

Is gonna scare ет right out of their wits. 
And if there's any left-well, they'll 
munch each other 

Or blow each other to bits. 


“Anyway, they've sown their poison seeds 
And this is the crop they're gonna reap.” 
And Gabriel put away his horn 

And God went back to sleep. 


“You know, every New Year I meet my true soul mate at this party!” 


131 


WELL, OUR FIGURES ADD UP! 
Near-daily revelations of corporate improprieties— 
financial and otherwise—provided fodder for car- 
toonists and magazine editors in 2002. Topping 
the scandal roster: President Bush's Enron buddy 
Ken Lay. When PLAYBov announced it would cele- 
brate Women of Enron—among them Vanessa 
Schulte, below—in its August issue, Flaygirl (no 


relation) followed with Enron's guys. We still кені ш 
prefer the girls: Witness December's Women PLAY р, 
RISON, 


of Worldcom, with such live wires as Shannon 
Lea (bottom). 


I-DID-NOT- 
НАМЕ - RELATIONS. 
WITH THAT 


THREE’S A CROWD, PART ONE 

Cris Judd probably thought he got a J. Lo blow 
when she left him after less than a year of marriage 
for Ben Affleck, her on-set romance while making 


132 Gigli. Now Cris knows how Putty felt 


moguls misbehave, 
demonstrators disrobe 
and celebrities switch 
partners. just another 

ho-hum year in sex 


Жу, 


— 20: 35 0 


l 3 . 
STOR JJ < a 
cai PETA, PETA, VEGGIE EATER 
ЕЙ Having trouble getting your message across? Just doff your 


IM duds. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which pio- 
" f= neered the strategy, uses it to protest (1) the running of the bulls 
DE in Pamplona; (2) meat eaters, with a poster of Traci Bingham; 

(3) Ringling Bros. and Bamum and Bailey's circus, with Brandi 

Valladolid in tiger stripes: (4) fur, with a poster of NYPD Blue's 


an Charlotte Ross; and (5) Premarin, the hormone replacement 


therapy made from preg- 
nant mares urine. 


REARGUARD ATTACK 
During G-8 summit ses. 
sions near Calgary, anti- 
Globalization forces sent a 
stern rebuke (10) to Gap 
stores, accused of unfair 
labor policies in develop- 
ing countries—and (11) 
stripped to save forests. 


BEN Prairie moon peeps through 


AND YELL 
Taking a leaf 
from PETA's 
playbook, others 
peeled to protest: 
Camilla Jackson 


(6) objects to 
Britain's proposed fox-hunting ban (Dad is chair- 


man of the Master of Foxhounds Association) by 
riding through the center of London in pink panties 


and boots. Lesbian 

activists in Tel Aviv 
(7) oppose Israel's 
Occupation of the 
West Bank and in 
Berlin, topless dissi- 
dents (8) target nukes. 


Е VERY THREAT OF YOU 
The mere prospect, seen as 
shaming. that these Nigerian 
women (9) might take off their 
clothes forced Big Oil to grant 

jobs, electricity and schools. 


STRETCHING 
THE JOINT 
Puppetry of the Pe- 
nis’ flexible cock 
and-balls artists 
practice bal- 
loon sculp- 
ture for 


THREE’S A CROWD, PART TWO 
When Billy Bob Thornton left wife Angelina Jolie, rumor— 
fanned by the tabloids—had him back in the arms of one 
of his exes, Pietra. Didn't turn out to be true, but we сап 
see the potential attraction. 


جا 


EWS BULLETINS FROM 
OUR CRACK REPORTERS 

E i = Thongs pose a health hazard. 
FRENCH LESSONS warned a gynecologist in the “EY 


In her scandalous (and best-selling) National ан C 
memoir, French art-journal editor Cather- dancers Honey y 


ine Millet describes orgies and sex with 
Some 100 men. Then husband Jacques 
Henric segued with a book of explicit 
portraits of his freewheeling wife 


and Linda; (2) Australian 
swimsuit model Anna- 
liese Braakensiek; (3) 
1 Victoria's Secret model; 

(4) Anita Webb, soccer 
star girlfriend: and (5) mod- 
el Shaune Bagwell. 


ENTERTAINMENT? “ 

Still waiting to collect her inheritance, Anna 

Nicole Smith debuted her E unreality series 

Most critics panned the show, but at least one 
writer described it as "the most addictive 
Quilty pleasure on TV right now." 


BOOTY CHECK 
Freaked cut by freak 
dancing, Rita Wilson, 
the vice principal of a 
San Diego high school, caught flak for raising girls" 
skirts to check for thong panties. Other schools 
adopted stringent rules for dance-floor conduct. 


DOKTOR = 
FEELGOOD 2 
Your fulure is 
behind you 
claims blind 
German clair- 
voyant Ulf 
Buck, who 
prognosticates 
by feeling 
his clients 
buttocks. 


Man dy 4 
“7 


Strippers child turns 
Tel 

Ve Christian 
CURTAINS FOR ASHCROFT boca 


Tired of Attorney General John Ashcroft's being up- 
staged at photo ops by a bare-breasted statue, the Jus- 
lice Department spent $8000 on a set of blue drapes to NOOKIE 
obscure The Spir- A Christian school 
it of Justice. And expelled, then read- 
we thought justice || mitted, a student 
was blind. | because Mom, 

2 ой Christina Silvas 

(right), stipped 


Т? HOUSTON, WE HAVE 
A PROBLEM 
It was an accident, says Houston 
dentist Clara Harris (1), accused 
of killing husband David (2) by 
running over him three times 
and then leaving her Mercedes 
atop him. Seems she suspected 
him of fooling around with Gail 
? Е Bridges (3), who appeared on 
= Sally to deny she was a lesbian 
"Unfortunately for Clara, the gumshoe 
she'd hired to track her hubby taped the attack. 


BLUE CONFESSIONS " = 

Tales of priestly pedophilia scarred the Catholic 

Church, especially in Boston, where Cardinal Ber- 

пага Law refused to honor $30 million in reparations THREE | 


to victims. They later settled for $10 million Joanie Laurer blames 
her WWF ejection on 


an affair between her 4 
live-in lover, Paul “Triple, 
H" Levesque, and 
Stephanie McMa- 
hon, daughter of g 
WWF honcho 
Vince. 


CANOODLING X CATHEDRA 
An on-air stunt backtired when NYC DJs 
Opie and Anthony aired Brian Florence 
and Loretta Lynn Harper allegedly doing 
the nasty in St. Patrick's Cathedral. The 
jocks were fired, the couple busted 


OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL DOLLS 
Barbie has competition from the 
likenesses of Playmates (1) Vic- 
toria Silvstedt and (2) Karen Mc- 
Dougal ($49, at Playboystore. 
com), plus-size supermodel 
Emme (3) and even porn 
star Jenna Jameson (4), 
who sold 6000 action fig- 
ures in a month 


OUR KIND OF EXERCISE CLASS 
Pole dancing, as in this Girls Gone 
Wild video shoot (1), is the latest ce- 
lebrity fitness craze. Fans are Jennifer 
Aniston (2). Sadie Frost (3), Heather Gra 
ham (4), Christina Applegate (5) and Daryl Hannah (6) 
in Dancing at the Blue Igual 


HEY, STEVE, YOU mM 
FORGOT YOUR RUBBERS [DA-DA 7 
DNA tests pointed to Steve q 
Bing (1) as the fella who had 
knocked up both Elizabeth 
Hurley (2) and Lisa Kerkorian 
(3), wife of megamogul Kirk 
Kerkorian (4), who report- 
edly had Bing's trash п- 
N fled for evidence. 
Busy, busy Steve. 


MO” SEX IN THE BIG APPLE 
Fear the Disneyfication of NYC? 
The Museum of Sex celebrates Mae 
West, S&M clubs and pomo. Says 
curator Grady Tumer (below): "The 
subject isn't going away. 


Penthouse nudes of tennis star Anna Kourniko- 
va (1) turned out to be shots of Judith Soltesz- 
Benetton (2), who sued in a 

different court. 


THREE'S A CROWD, PART FOUR 

The Sopranos' James Gandolfini (1) ticked off wife 
Marcy (2) by taking up with production assistant 
Lora Somoza (3) and filing for divorce. The ag- 
grieved spouse is countersuing for big bucks. 


STREAKERMANIA! 
A surprised Prince Andrew and wife Sophie (1) watched as serial streaker Mark Roberts 
(2) was ushered from a Commonwealth Games track meet. Later, Roberts vaulted the net 
at Wimbledon (3). Also at the Commonwealth Games, unidentified male (4) and female 
— (5) streakers did their stuff at a hockey match and on the bowling green 
A nude ad caused a flap at a rugby match in Sydney (6); Brynn Reed (7) 
lost his civil service job for streaking the queen in Newcaslle; in Munich. 

a German fan (B) scored with football fans. 


AND THE 
JOYSTICK 


kissing the oddly № 
phallic trophy she 
won at the LPGA's 4 
Long Drugs Chal- 
lenge tournament 

in April 


Britney Spears (1) denied she was depressed over her 
breakup with 'N Sync's Justin Timberlake (2), who re: 
portedly took solace with singer Janet Jackson (3). ac- 
tress Alyssa Milano (4) and dancer Jenna Dewan (5) 


IN CASE YOU DON’T GET HBO 
Kim Cattrall (Samantha on Sex and the 
City) and hubby Mark Levinson authored 
Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Or- 
дазт. with visual aids by Fritz Drury, 


A BIRD IN THE BUSH 
I love you, a bushel and a peck- 
er? Liberty, the American poul- 
try industry's poster bird for 
Thanksgiving, took a break to 
engage in some fow play with 
a perplexed Presi- 
dent Bush 


BUST-SEE TV 

HBO's Sex and 

the City got its 

fifth season Off to em 
a flashy start with three of its stars—Kristin Davis (1) as Charlotte, Cynthia 
Nixon (2) as new mom Miranda and Kim Cattrall (3) as Samantha—bare- 
breasted in a single episode. Even wilder was the close of S&C's fourth sea- 
son, where Samantha catches lover Richard (dames Remar) going down 
during a nooner (4). On CBS, Big Brother 3's live feed featured 
peanut-buttered privates (5), later blurred for broadcast. 


Voters in 
Georgetown, 
Colorado 
recalled mèy- 
or Keleen 
Brooks, a for- 
mer stripper, 
after she 
allegedly 
flashed taverr 
patrons and 
threatened 
to abolish 


SEPARATED AT BIRTH? 
Although tabloids noted a resemblance between Princess Diana's 
exlover James Hewitt and Prince Harry, former bodyguard (and 
fledgling author) Ken Wharfe brands such speculation as rubbish 
saying the two met after Harry was conceived 


the police 
department. 


“Sorry, honey—but it’s out with the old, and in with the new!” 


138 


It’s great to watch the man I love 
p; masturbate. Masturbation is anoth- 
er dimension. You can do things to 
yourself and he «an do things to 
"7 А himself and you do things to euch 
es jst be- 7 other, and it's a whole other thing. It 
OVE more doesn't need to be in bed on top of 
decess. | like 2 each other or bending over, or what- 
well-, ever. It’s more the visual that’s excit- 
б Py ing, want to watch his technique and 
see what he likes. Knowing what he 
likes is a big turn-on, because the more 
I get in tune with it, the better sex gets. 
Every man has a different technique. 
wh With oral sex, guys like different things. 
е Some guys don’t like it if you go up and 
down really fast, and some guys do. 
lo Some guys want you to be rough, and 
some want you to be gentle and slow. 
с 1 
4 2 ø | 1 4 + 
>. Ç 


( 


into which he 
then threw file 
after file of pa- 
pers. “This is so 
much safer than 
a shredder, no 
matter what any- 
one tells you,” my 
visitor, a jittery fel- 
low, said. 
He refused to tell me his name, but 
when he had finished relating his story, 
1 knew what to call him: Deep Elf. 


In a nutshell, reports Deep Elf, Santa 
is worried. Like a lot of his cronies, San- 
ta felt he'd dodged a bullet during the 
uproar about corporate corruption. 
Not only did he have links with some 
of the people who have been in the 
headlines, but he's also dreading where 
the calls for reform might lead. 

Deep Elf said he'd seen “some heavy 
shit” during the years he toiled for San- 
та. As the elf explained it, while ner- 
vously lighting his fifth cigarette, Santa 
had enjoyed the same sort of breaks 
other CEOs had—including some cor- 
porate Capones who deserve to find 
coal in their stockings instead of stock 
options. 

“Santa has been playing with the 
same loaded dice that his buddies have 
used. | mean corporate welfare—and 


generally accepted accounting prac- 
tices and all that. Arthur Andersen has 
been his accountant for years. He has 
been using his offshore partnerships 
to play hide-the-profits for the past 
decade.Where do you think those bo- 
Zos at Enron got the idea?” Deep Elf 
asked. 

“This year’s been really scary. Espe- 
cially after so many of his friends have 
turned out to be dirtbags and we all 
got a peek at the way it really works. 

“Santa is in crisis mode. He could be 
rehearsing for a perp walk himself this 


time next year,” 
Deep EIf said. 


I was familiar 
with the outrages 
that so upset my 
visitor. And | was 
pleased that he 
had come to me with his tale of yule- 
tide woe. have had my eye on the fast- 
spreading slick of corporate corrup- 
tion for the past year and I've learned 
never to be surprised when someone 
new gets covered in oil. 

For a while, it seemed as though 
people were catching on, especially 
when some of the secrets of the vaunt- 
ed business success of Vice President 
Cheney came to light. Cheney,a veter- 
an of Congress, the White House and 
the Defense Department, improved 
Halliburton's performance with more 
than $1 billion in government financing 
and loan guarantees. 

But, to be fair, a Halliburton subsidi- 
ary did end up giving a little something 
back to America—in the form of a $2 
million settlement that ended an inves- 
tigation into possible overbilling of the 
Pentagon during Cheney's stewardship. 
In one case, the company may have 
charged $750,000 for work that actu- 
ally cost $125,000. Despite the over- 
billing, Halliburton continued to be 


awarded big contracts, including a new 
10-year deal with the Army that comes 
with по lid on potential costs. | guess 
it does help to have friends—and ex- 
CEOs like Cheney—in high places. 
The shady rich had gotten richer 
through a variety of tricks. | asked 
Deep EIf if he, for example, had ever 
heard of monthly income preferred 
shares, protean securities that turn 
from debt to equity and back again de- 
pending on how you look at them. 
They were the creations of wizards at 
Goldman Sachs, and they allowed com- 


panies to cut taxes and trim debt using 
a complex shell game. When the gov- 
ernment tried to rain on the parade, 
Jon Corzine—now a member of the 
Senate Banking Committee, then Gold- 
man Sachs" CEO—signed an overheat- 
ed letter to Congress that decried gov- 
ernment efforts to “impose completely 
arbitrary” distinctions between assets 
and liabilities. 

Corzine’s demand was tantamount 
to saying that people should stop mak- 
ing “completely arbitrary” distinctions 
between right and left, or black and 
white. Or, perhaps more to the point, 
right and wrong. Yet it is precisely the 
distinction between what is debt and 
what isn't debt that some companies 
hoped to eradicate. It's as if | went out 
to dinner and, when the check came, | 
offered my phone bill as payment. 

Deep Elf knew what | was talking 
abour."Santa invented that little stunt,” 
he said, referring to the MIPs."Some of 
his cronies asked him to invent a real- 
life magic toy that could make real 
money. He has a good imagination for 
toys and tricky gadgets. He's crazy 
about those funny lenticular post- 
cards that show him winking or the 
Statue of Liberty undressing. So he 
gave them the basic now-you-see- 
it-now-you-dont concept and they 
farmed out the execution to a work- 
shop at Goldman Sachs.” 

Brilliant, | thought Santa the CEO 
dreams up schemes as blatantly dis- 
honest as "heads-I-win, tails-you- 
lose” and then his cronies fill in the 
details—and make sure the schemes 
are officially legal. If you're rich enough 
to have friends in the right places, such 
as Congress, Santa can make real mag- 
ic toys for you. 

“Santa has cooked up a million spe- 
cial tricks,” Deep Elf continued. “Every 
year he keeps adding to the generally 
accepted accounting principles, just to 
keep the auditors happy. Then there 
are those top-hat plans, another cute- 
sounding little swindle, that exempt pen- 
sion plans for senior executives from 
the rules and (continued on page 189) 


‘A toast to the New Year! May it be another prosperous one for 
Attila and all us Huns!” 


GIVE 


A 
GIRL 
A 
SHIRT 


Her dress looks great on your 
Kitchen floor. But your shirt looks 
better on her than on you. Take it 
as an opportunity. When she climbs 
out of bed ond starts rummaging 
around for something to slip into, 
make sure she finds good stuff. 
That peek ata small corner of your 
world could get you into o small 
corner of hers. Why be selfish? Let 


her explore your drawers, 


fashion by joseph de acetis 


{еу (from La Petite не), jew 
ry by Scott Kay and his jeans—by 

2(x)ist. This page: She's in boots by Ca- 
sadei and a Raffi sweater she swiped 


from him. He's in a sweater by Dada 
and pants by Abercrombie & Fitch. 


He heads out to work—and she hops 


into his work clothes. Her animal-print 


bra and panties are by Liberti, her 
shoes are by Stuart Weitzman. She 
raids his closet and slips into a plaid 
shirt and single-breasted striped suit 
by Canali. He's in a navy chalk-stripe 
suit, check shirt, tie and pocket square 
by Turnbull and Asser. His shoes are 
by Giorgio Armani and his watch is by 
Tourneau. Now that he's all ready to 


go, he has to call in late. 


For some reason, he is still wearing a 
р single-breasted tuxedo with silk lapels 
by Boss Hugo Boss and a cotton shirt 
and silk tie by Baldessarini Hugo Boss. 
A She's in his other formal shirt, a pleat- 
- ed linen one by Turnbull and Asser. 
{The bow tie is also by Turnbull 
and Asser; the bed is by Desi- 
ron.) Her rhinestone bra and 
panties are by Cotton Club 
(from La Petite Coquette), and 

her shoes are by Gucci. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY DN PAGE 186 


the past 12 months were a spasm of. pitfalls, © 
pratfalls and bonehead moves. here are a few 


BY ROBERT S. WIEDER 


\\ To crush the foe, George Bush will spend 
AN Wiatever sum of cash will 

Do the trick and пай that prick. 

Osama? No, Tom Daschle. 


Stockbrokers lied, they toated crap, 
Ani Neeced us with bum steers. 
The "Wall Street numbers” we like now: 
Fifteen to 20 years. 


Tales of abuse grew so protuse, 

Yt was an ugly story. 

{hal were true, some priests will do 
Hard бте in megatery. 


x Though batelism’s fatal, Batex 
Shots are all the rage. 
Because, i's clear, we'd much prater 
Th die than look our age. 


Our E-men swore, “We'll rack foes t0 
Their caves, huts and madrasas.” $ 
This pledge from "pras" whom мете not sure 

Can even lind their asses. 


“Global warmiq s nonsense,” said 
Polluters, “spread by liars. E 
As half the country batted droughts << 

Dr major forest fires. 


Ms. Watkins and Ms. Rowley made 
Their weasel bosses hristie. 

But damn, it got us hat just watching 
Women blowing whistles. 


Mike Ovitz moaned, "My life's heen ruined 


DM pai mitali | Erom lt us o che ол, 
Oh Mike, don't prate; there are scores of straights Big Jahn went ona binge 
Who'd love the chance to screw ya. Justice” thet sprang hard og al 
Across the far-right fringe. 
"Attack Iran" urge Tich, who was, ° 
aan Sone rightwing Crisis gr so steame, 
Mess al На, They damn near dropped а clod 
i Ф E When judges freed the pledge fram its 
4 X Confinement "under God.” 
am 259 
№. ~ 1 - E T Ww 
қ 8 For Martha, queen perfectionist, 
Anew array ot gripes: 
“Those cells are cold, the foo! has mold, 
-— л d And Hook fat in stripes.” 
WP. Gossips ірі, He's gay! Wy he 
= 3 š Bui marri E 
With hatos ad service піз en ee ү 
Air travelers seem screwel. fies 
The good news: Fewer airlines means Quale Lin's cote, 


There'll be less airline food. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY SEBASTIAN KRUGER 


Ron Insana 


Р АЕО 


200 


the gnome of CNBC on market cycles, corporate 
excess and being don imus’ enabler 


on Insana didn't set out to become 

a television business journalist. He 
took just one economics course, as a college 
sophomore. After graduation, the theater- 
and-film major got a job as a production 
assistant at the struggling Financial News 
Network in Los Angeles. He was soon laid 
off and joined the staff at a vitamin store. 
When FNN again beckoned, he quickly 
moved up the ranks. Тию anchors of the un- 
derstaffed operation called in sick the same 
day and Insana was tapped to read news 
updates on the air. A stint as an overnight 
replacement anchor helped him land his 
oum morning stock market show. In 1991, 
CNBC acquired FNN and moved Insana to 
Neu York. 

Over the years Insana has covered bull 
and bear markets, bankruptcies and bubbles, 
and recently a good deal of crime and scan- 
dal. In May 1999 he teamed up with Sue 
Herera (one of the FNN anchors whose sick 
call gave him his break) to anchor Business 
Center, the network’s daily two-hour broad- 
cast of news, features and opinion. The show 
originates from the floor of the New York 
Stock Exchange after the close of trading. 

Insana has more than made up for his 
lack of formal economic training. He's a se- 
rious student of financial markets who pep- 
pers his conversation with references to the 
history and lore of Wall Street. He has just 
published his third book, Trend Watching, 
which covers investment manias and bubbles. 

In addition to his Business Center duties, 
Insana frequently reports for NBC's Nightly 
News. And when the morning’s business 
developments befuddle the irritable Don 
Imus, the radio host telephones Insana for 
enlightenment. 

Contributing Editor Warren Kalbacker 
caught up with Insana at the Big Board. 
Says Kalbacker, “The janitors hadn't yet 
had a chance to sweep away the day's trad- 
ing slips and order forms that littered the 
floor. When I queried Insana about the ex- 
istence of such debris in the digital age, 
he remarked, ‘This place generates more 
paper than was used before the arrival of 
computers." 


1 


PLAYBOY: You anchor Business Center for 
two hours a night from the floor of 
the New York Stock Exchange. Was it 
a coup for the show to land that loca- 
tion, or was the Big Board determined 
to maximize the after-hours use of its 
physical assets? 

INSANA: It was a coup. If you look at the 
history of how the Exchange has dealt 
with the press, it's been an extraordi- 
narily clubby environment where only 
a select few have had access to the floor. 
The Exchange derives some benefit 
from having us there, but I'm not quite 
sure what the financial arrangement is. 
І think that it's more a partner than a 


landlord. 


2 


PLAYBOY: OK, once and for all, how do 
those you term the smart money crowd 
differ from the rest of us? 

INSANA: They are different in meaning- 
ful ways. The smart money crowd will 
always have access to what one for- 
mer hedge fund investor calls “fancy in- 
formation.” If you're a well-resourced 
hedge fund manager who is pulling in 
hundreds of millions of dollars in fees 
every year, you are able to buy—for 
hundreds of thousands of dollars—in- 
formation that the public can’t imme- 
diately get its hands on. There are all 
kinds of proprietary research, analyt- 
ics, geopolitical intelligence gathering. 
What's changed in the past 10 or 20 
years, depending on how you want to 
define the start of business news, is the 
emergence of a real-time environment, 
which shrank the information gap be- 
tween individuals and professionals. 
An individual who can focus and avoid 
the noise can do well as an investor. 
What you can't do, and what profes- 
sionals can't do even in this environ- 
ment, is ride anything. In 1999 and 
2000 day traders played the momen- 
tum game. They made the professionals 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY WILUAM COUPON; INSET BY EVERETT COLLECTION, INC. 


look stupid because they were able to 
ride stocks that went up. But that was 
an anomaly. The 11,700 Dow was out- 
size. It should never have happened. 
"The market is normal now in that it's 
more difficult. People are disconcerted. 
I know professionals who have been 
at this for 30 years who say this is the 
most difficult environment they've ever 
seen. People who want to become good 
traders are going to have to dedicate a 
lot of time, immerse themselves and 
learn through a series of mistakes. I 
don't know any professional who does 
this on a part-time basis. It is a 24-hour 
job. A hedge fund investor with billions 
of dollars on the line gets phone calls in 
the middle of the night. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Where have all the day trad- 
ers of the Nineties gone? Did they 
change into business suits and set out 
on job searches? 

INSANA: They're around. Some people 
managed to weather the storm. The 
hardest part of the peak was that the 
individual day traders were encour- 
aged by some of the day trading opera- 
tions, which in my view were the mod- 
ern equivalent of the Twenties' bucket 
shops—brokerage houses that used to 
clip people. They would let them trade 
stocks on margin. They would manip! 
late a stock to make it a bit better and 
then they'd drop the stock and people 
would get wiped out. The day traders 
of the Nineties were encouraged by the 
principals in the operations to lend 
each other money, which allowed them 
to get around margin requirements. 
Whenever you use leverage, it can blow 
up because your losses are amplified. 1 
know some of the best traders in the 
history of the game who lose billions of 
dollars—and they're still good. They 
make mistakes, but they're well capi- 
talized. That's the difference between 
an individual who takes his 50 grand 
and tries to pyramid it into something 


PLAYBOY 


152 


bigger. If you lose the 50 grand, you're 
out of business. 


4 


PLAYBOY: What does the Dow tell us? 
INSANA: I characterize the Dow as a 
barometer of intelligent perceptions 
about the economy and the social, po- 
litical and military environments. You 
can even use the Dow to gauge senti- 
ment about where we are as a culture. 
When investors, particularly those who 
are making some long-term bets, plunk 
down their money, they're making as- 
sumptions about the future. So as the 
Dow or the S&P 500 moves higher, you 
can tell that people think the econo: 
ic outlook is good because the politi- 
cal and social outlooks are stable. From 
the late Sixties until the early Eighties 
the Dow was a reflection of the volatili- 
ty of the times. It slammed around vi- 
olently—between 700 and 1000. Look- 
ing at the Dow could tell you that the 
entire fabric of America was being jos- 
tled about with oil price shocks, infla- 
tion, unemployment. 


5 


LAYBOY: Financial journalists were crit- 
d for cheerleading for stocks dur- 
ing the bull market. Care to give us 
your side of the story? 

INSANA: I was not among those accused 
of being a cheerleader during the up. 
years. People criticized me for being 
too dour in my outlook. 1 got my share 
of hate mail as the market went higher 
Now, I was not universally negative. 1 
agreed with people who suggested that 
the technology was transformational. 
But the real question was: Did stock 
prices overestimate the near-term ben- 
efits? I like market history, The canals 
and plank roads of the 1830s were sim- 
ilar to the Internet, making business 
more efficient, making communities 
smaller, allowing our wives and daugh- 
ters to get to church faster. They were 
community developments, which are 
echoed in the Internet. But point out 
to people that this has happened be- 
fore, and they say, “No. This is brand- 
new.” That's the risk: not understand- 
ing that it’s not new. The Internet is 
going to transform a lot of things. But 
you can't blindly assume the stuff is so 
filled with promise that you believe 
your investment in pets.com is going to 
go up for the rest of your life. The In- 
ternet is working great in a postbubble 
environment. The stocks are gone. 


6 


PLAYBOY: An investor we know acquired 
Enron stock when the outfit was a pipe 
line operator, but he claims that over 
the years he never figured out what 
Enron's business was. Can you explain 


what Enron was up to? 

INSANA: I think a lot of people never fig- 
ured that out. Enron got into market- 
making capacity for everything from 
copper to aluminum to natural gas to 
electricity to fiber-optic bandwidth. 
Trading those last two like industrial 
commodities is beyond a lot of peo- 
ple—although that will happen in the 
future. The problem was that Enron 
was using a complex trading system to 
facilitate transactions in a variety of 
markets. My understanding was they 
got into areas that were mind-numb- 
ingly complex. They would provide 
electricity to a company that smelts 
copper. And instead of getting paid for 
that, they would take physical copper 
in exchange, then go out in the futures 
market and hedge their exposure to 
copper and create layer upon layer of 
transactions, assuming they were some- 
how fully hedged when they weren't. 
When one market went against them, 
and then another and then another, 
they collapsed. 


7 


PLAYBOY: Can financial reporters hope 
to explain to the public the Enron-style 
wheeling and dealing that may chal- 
lenge even the most dogged forensic 
accountants? 

INSANA: It's not that the transactions de- 
fy explanation, it’s just that they re- 
quire a great number of words. And 
to simplify the situation in such a way 
that people understand what's going 
on might be a difficult, if not impossi- 
ble, task. We can come up with these 
broad generalizations about what was 
done. Was there accounting fraud? 
Were there sham transactions to pump 
up revenues and profits? In most of 
these cases, we can safely say yes. The 
details are interesting for the forensic 
accounting people who want to under- 
stand how this stuff got through the 
system. For the layperson who enjoys 
this level of detail there will be some 
good books written about it. 


8 


PLAYBOY: Business Center has featured at 
least one stock market watcher who bas- 
eshis predictions on alignments of heav- 
ету bodies. Wouldn't stadium naming 
rights be a valid indicator of a compa- 
пу’ prospects? ` 

INSANA: Absolutely. It's the contrarian 
indicator of the Nineties. As soon as a 
company spends $100 million to name 
a stadium, sell the stock. Enron Field. 
PSINet Stadium. CMG] up in Foxboro, 
Massachusetts. 


9 


PLAYBOY: We love those talking heads, 
but isn’t financial news a challenge in 


such a visual medium? 

INSANA: I don't know that we are in a 
business that has ever produced the 
Emmy-winning visual. When I started, 
we would do 16 pages of commodity 
prices over three and a half minutes. 
Butin the Eighties we consciously tried 
10 understand the dynamics of sports 
broadcasting. When sports introduced 
a color commentator, the nature of 
sports broadcasting changed dramati- 
cally. It was no longer one guy telling 
football fans what down it was. The 
dynamic of an expert, who was previ- 
ously involved with the game and had 
an intui understanding of it, added 
insights. That developed to what we 
have now. Investors benefit from prac- 
titioners—color commentators—who 
share their views or walk us through a 
problem. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Please analyze the problem 
with stock analysis. 

INSANA: At the peak of the market, buy 
recommendations on Wall Street out- 
numbered sell recommendations by 
100 to one. The old song on the Street 
is that the pendulum swings between 
fear and greed. We went so far past 
greed in March 2000. The investing 
public was saying, “Give me more.” 
They wanted to hear from Henry Blod- 
get at Merrill Lynch. You had analysts 
making all sorts of public pronounce- 
ments about stocks that they knew 
were garbage. A lot of companies were 
brought public that in normal times 
would have never been given seed cap- 
ital by private investors. On Wall Street, 
somebody would go, “We're going to 
sell pet food!” “Great, fantastic! You get 
$100 million.” They were rewarded for 
success before they even tried. In many 
cases they didn't even have a product. 


11 


PLAYBOY: In the Eighties it was the fic- 
tional Gordon Gekko with his “Greed 
is good" philosophy. What's Ron Insa- 
na's best estimate for the cliché investor 
character of this decade? 
INSANA: I am beginning to think that 
the next play is going to be based on in- 
flation. We might have Seventies-style 
characters with oil, gas and alternative- 
energy limited partnerships. Maybe we 
will see the rise of the commodity huck- 
ster. Real estate might also be one of 
those hot investment areas that will 
bring out the same type of animal $ 
it in people. There's going to be anoth- 
er bubble cropping up somewhere in 
the world that’s going to get our atten- 
tion and our dollars. The risk is that 
we're going to have an inflation problem 
(continued on page 187) 


153 


‘Ah! Sanctuary.” 


PLAYBOY 


BUTTS 


(continued from page 127) 
thongs create two magnificently dis- 
tinct yet complementary globes. (Beau- 
ty is all about symmetry.) Thongs also 
let butt cheeks wobble—and who does 
not love the free movement of a bare 
ass? All those Wonderbra-girded breasts 
seem too constrained and inaccessible 
when compared toa bucking behind. 

In the new world order, Jennifer Lo- 
pez is Dolly Parton and Marilyn Mon- 
roe—the biggest and the best. Her 
buns are lauded high and low, and spo- 
ken of with a directness not often ap- 
plied to breasts. There's the urban leg- 
end about J. Lo insuring her ass for a 
billion doliars. (Singer Kylie Minogue 
is also said to have insured her butt— 
for £3 million.) Jay Leno makes 
stant jokes: “NBC will air a Jennifer 
Lopez special. So if you're thinking of 
getting one of those wide-screen TVs, 
this is the time to do it.” The New York 
Post's Cindy Adams wrote about a sur- 
prise birthday party for J. Lo: “A dozen 
of her friends were hiding behind her 
behind.” 

Still, though J. Lo is the top sex sym- 
bol of the age of the ass, she is less the 
cause than the result of the assification 
of America. Maybe it all began with 
Neil Armstrong—the first man on the 
moon. Maybe not. One thing is for 
sure: The first thong underwear hit the 
U.S. in 1981, introduced by Frederick's 
of Hollywood. Thongs accounted for 
five percent of underwear sales back 
then; 20 years later Frederick's is sell- 
ing 75,000 pairs a week—90 percent of 
its U.S. panty sales are thongs. 

Today's butt fetish was helped along 
by hip-hop lyrics and music videos. 
The D.C. go-go band E.U. scored a cult 
hit with Da’ Butt, used on the sound- 
track of Spike Lee's 1988 flick School 
Daze. (“Ain't nothin’ wrong if you wan- 
na do the butt all night long.”) Two 
Live Crew may have been the first plat- 
inum-selling act to talk explicitly about 
anal sex, in Me So Horny from the 1989 
album As Nasty As They Wanna Be: “I 
won't tell your mama if you don't tell 
your dad/1 know he'll be disgusted 
when he sees your pussy busted/ Won't 
your mama be so mad if she knew I got 
that ass?” Rump-shaking bass grooves 
led to other cheeky anthems like Rump 
Shaker by Wreckx and Effect, Professor 
Booty by the Beastie Boys and Daz- 
zey Duks by Duice. The United States of 
Ass finally got a national anthem with 
1999's ubiquitous Baby Got Back by Sir 
-Lot, a tune based on the aesthet- 
ic appreciation of butts rather than 
their sexual possibilities (“My anacon- 
da don't want none unless you've got 
buns, hon”). The video for the Luniz’ 
1995 single J Got Five on It featured 


some of the earliest peeking thongs— 
lots of them. More recently, Juvenile's 
Back That Azz Up, featuring the refrain, 
“Call me big daddy when you back that 
azz up,” went from a dance move to 
a smash-hit song to a cultural catch- 
phrase. And, with Sisqo's Thong Song, 
the appreciation of hot flossed buns 
made it to number one. 

Getting a piece of ass used to be a 
metaphor. No more. Now it's exactly 
what guys look for. Back-door action 
has become the cherry on the hetero- 
sexual sundae. And it's something that 
mainstream girls can be talked into giv- 
ing up. (Gently, slowly.) In the bed- 
room, the assis the final sphincter fron- 
tier, the hat trick, the trifecta. Grandpa 
yearned for flange. Dad craved a BJ. 
Junior wants to tap that ass. 

Why did the ass ascend? Do we give 
some of the credit to Tristan Taormino, 
whose Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Wom- 
en became an independent publish- 
ing hit in the Nineties? Talk about ac- 
commodating—she also starred in the 
best-selling movie version of the book. 
‘Trendy and fastidious grooming tech- 
niques like the Brazilian wax job also 
make that region more enticing. 

The biggest source of eroticizing, of 
course, entered the mainstream be- 
hind the closed doors of American bed- 
rooms, by way of VCRs and, later, the 
Internet, DVDs and video-on-demand 
services. In 1989, a dramatically new 
style of porn arrived, when John Sta- 
gliano—known simply as Buttman— 
released his first movie, The Adventures 
of Buttman (he's still at it, with titles like 
Buttman in the Crack). His camcorder 
reality-porn was quickly followed by 
movies from the similar-minded Sey- 
more Butts and Ben Dover. New porn 
starlets were able to make reputations 
as “anal queens” (a new title), and fora 
time were paid a premium. Two subse- 
quent developments brought the fasci- 
nations of these new gonzo porn au- 
teurs to the mainstream. First, the 
Clinton administration—specifically 
Attorney General Janet Reno—com- 
pletely stopped prosecuting adult film 
companies. The adult video business 
underwent unprecedented growth, 
with the number of production compa- 
nies doubling during the Clinton years. 
"The result of the boom was a market 
where heterosexual anal sex quickly 
went from a stunt to a staple. Second, 
through extensions in cable and satel- 
lite TV capabilities, this type of mov- 
ie could be ordered on demand or 
by subscription in tens of millions of 
homes. How mainstream is this stuff 
now? The Ivy League jokers who shot 
parts of a student skin flick in their col- 
lege library (Comedy Central just did a 
movie about it called Porn "n Chicken) 


hosted an anal sex seminar at Yale. Tris- 
tan Taormino was the guest speaker. 

Buns have become so valuable as aes- 
thetic currency that movie studios can 
now base expensive marketing cam- 
paigns almost entirely on them. In the 
1999 Sean Connery thriller Entrapment, 
the central image of both the trailer 
and the TV ad is co-star Catherine Ze- 
ta-Jones in a black body glove, on her 
stomach crawling beneath laser securi- 
ty beams, shoving her ass up into the 
air and presenting it to the audience. 
Entrapment was savaged by critics, and 
any money the movie made—and it 
managed to take in $88 million—was 
largely the result of the marketing cam- 
paign. Thatis, thanks to Zeta-Jones’ in- 
viting cheeks. 

In the 2001 art-house hit Sexy Beast, 
Ben Kingsley's character, Don, is rid- 
iculed as a reactionary fool because he 
can't understand why someone would 
want to play with a bum during sex. In 
one episode of HBO's Sex and the City, 
Miranda hooks up with a guy who 
gives her “tookis lingus.” After her ini- 
tial surprise she decides to have anoth- 
er go. Platinum-selling recording artist 
Lil” Kim raps lines like “I let you come 
in me, while you stick it in the booty, 
lick the nut off, then stick it back in the 
coot, sce.” (Now there's even a porn 
star named Lil’ Asss.) Anal sex is now 
prevalent enough among younger gen- 
erations to figure as a viable alternative 
for kids raised on abstinence. 

It’s also clear that girls of all ages 
now pay close attention to their buns. 
Thongs outsell panties at outlets like 
Victoria's Secret. Cosmopolitan offered a 
“thong glossary” to readers shopping 
for thong-style bathing suits. Cosmo 
identified the “Brazilian bottom” (“ide- 
al for butt-baring beginners”), the “clas- 
sic thong” (“reveals your entire der- 
riere”) and the “G-string” (“lets the 
whole cupcake hang out”). In the same 
issue, Cosmo featured a piece called 
Make That Moon Shine. “Get your der- 
riere dazzling with a good butt buff- 
ing,” the article suggested, and went on 
to reveal a recipe for butt polish (corn- 
meal, sand or kosher salt and honey). 
‘There are now surgical procedures— 
both bottom lifts and implants—for 
fuller butts. In fact, FoxNews.com said 
in April that buttock implants “are 
quickly becoming the breast implants 
of the new millennium.” And, accord- 
ing to a Knight Ridder News Service 
piece, physicians now sce a previously 
unprecedented phenomenon—mela- 
noma of the buttocks—as a result of 
girls’ tanning their behinds too zeal- 
ously. It's no longer the place where 
the sun don't shine. 


Р 5 
MATE REVIEW 


a roundup of 9009 5 delightful dozen 


9 LOBALIZATION had a big impact here at rraysoy. Our 2002 Play- 
mates proved that beauty loves a melting pot. This year we 
have women with ancestors from Puerto Rico, Russia, Japan, 

China, Africa, Hawaii and even Guyana. But only one of these girls will 
be Playmate of the Year 2003, and you need to tell us who is most de- 
serving. Will it be the screenwriter? The inventor? The fashion design- 
er? The future veterinarian? The former showgirl? The punk-band 
singer? An aspiring actress or model? Picking only one is extremely dif- 
ficult, but register your preference online and help your favorite Play- 
mate get one step closer to the crown. 
Indicate your choice for Playmate of the Year at Playboy.com. 


Miss September 
SHALLAN METERS 


Shallan has been working on 
her web page and doing a lot 
of promotional work. “A nor- 
mal job is definitely out of the 
question. At one signing. 2 
guy who competes in the Spe- 
cial Olympics gave me one of 
his medals," she says. ~I told 
him, “This is such 

gesture. but I can't take it!” 
He insisted. When PLAYBOY 
asked me to pick my 

for the Street Smarts game 
show. I chose the Special 
Olympics. If someone can be 
that thoughtful toward me, 1 
ought to give it back.” 


Miss November 


SERRIA TAWAN 


Script genie Serria Tawan is 
overseeing two of her screen- 
plays: one titled Moscow Fias 

co is in preproduction. She 
also has acted in six indepen- 
dent movies. including Gon 
dence with Dustin Hoffman 
and The Sisterhood as the 
lead vampire. "What Im hap- 
piest about is gelling a posi- 
tion at a shelter for abused 
women and children,” she 
says. "I care about people and 
think everybody should volun- 
teer.” Look for an Olivia De 
Berardinis pin-up painting of 
Serria al rbeditions.com. 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


4 | Miss June 


MICHELE ROGERS 


“Since my issue came out, 

Гуе been doing a Lon of pro- 

motional work, parties and 

pecial events for PLAYBOY." 

ve never had 

a summer where I got to wake 

up whenever I wanted to 1 

went to the beach and jus! 
chilled with my girl 


en 


her Playmate of the Year mon- 
ey lo open the boutique she's 
меа. “I would be 

s June to become 

the Playmate of the Year,” she 
Says." My family and friends 
are my biggest fans.” 


Miss October 
TERI HARRISON 


Teri made her TV debut on 
ABC's College Football Pre- 
view and followed that with 
an appearance on The Man 
how. 71 turned the tables on 
Jimmy Kimmel and Adam 
Carolla by becoming the 
PLAYBOY photographer,” she 
“I had them on the bed, 
smacking their es and 
making love to the eamera. It 
was a funny skit.” Teri want 
to be a TV host—for now. 71 
think when I'm older I would 
like to read movie scripts. 
she says. "But not уеі- 
I'm too distracted." 


Miss May 


CHRISTI SHAKE 


‘There is clubwear and sexy 
lingerie for sale on chr 
shake.com, and Ch 

working on a cosmetics line. 
She’s appeared on the TV 
show Oblivious and worked 
the Guess fashion show with 
several other Playmates. "Im 
ill studying acting. but T 

want Lo take some child p 

chology courses, too,” s 
says. 71 posed for Playboy 
Japan and did an autograph 
signing there. I want to thank 
the boys everywhere for writ- 
ie to me and showing sup- 
port. It's so sweet." 


Miss January 
NICOLE NARAIN 


Nicole has been getting her 
groove on as the lead girl in 
the videos for LL Cool 
Lov U Better and Bradshaw's 
You Remind Me. “Tm making 
my reel right now, and I inter- 
viewed them both for it,” she 
s also done maga- 

s. The Howard 
Stern Show and two TV pilots 
(in one she acts reality- 
show host who uncovers 
fighting behind the scenes of a 
beauty pageant). “I want to 
thank Hef for giving me a 
chance. Becoming PMOY 
would be icing on the cake!” 


Miss July 
LAUREN ANDERSON 
Lauren took some time off 
from school to do promotion- 
al work for PLOBOY. “I went 


overseas 10 judge Playboy 
Playmate of the Year 


he 
future veterinarian marched 
on Capitol Hill for PETA and 

is mourning the loss of her 
pet duck. “Marble was para- 
lyzed and had multiple s 


le- 
rosis." she says. “I mi: 
him. Right now Fm busy and 
not at home. but when | 
return I want more pet 
ducks and squirrels.” 


zerre 


= 


Miss April 
HEATHER CAROLIN 


Everyone's favorite party girl 
now lives 10 blocks from the 
beac! puthern Califor 
"| wanted to gel away from 
my small town.” Heather 

1 moved here with my 
best friend, who I've gone to 
school with since I was 10. 
We just got a new puppy 
Heather played the lead in a 
video for the Galling and had 


“I still want to реа 
ar driver and would 
love to do Celebrity Grand 
Prix for PLAYBOY,” she says. 


Miss February 
ANKA ROMENSKY 


Listen up—vou might hear 
Anka on the radio soon. “I 
slarted recording my demo 


songbird 
лу home and a new we 
msanka.com. ~I moved out of 
my mom’s place, but only one 
floor up. so I just have to walk 
irs for a home-cooked 
she says. “Every morn- 
ing Im on the computer rv 
sponding to e-mail. | write 
back to every one of my fans. 


Miss March 


TINA JORDAN 


"I moved out of the Mansion 
to spend more time with my 
daughter and to work on my 
career and website, tinajor 
dan.com,” s 

exh 


appe 

on The Howard Stern Show. 
“I've been doing signings to 
the point where I can't even 
wrile my name anymore,” 


disappoint a fan.” 


Miss December 
LANI TODD 


“I helped host а party with 
Dennis Rodman and Carmen 
Electra on Playboy ТҮ” says 

ani. "You need to be trained 
in acting. I would love lo start 
ош as a host, because il came 
naturally to me.” As doe 
hosting wayward animal 
discovered. “When I was sta 
ing al the Mansion, | adopted 
a Kitty that had wandered on- 
to the property.” she says. 
“No one claimed him. and I 
just fell in love with the little 
guy. I kept him for two weeks 
and then flew him home to 
live with me.” 


Miss August 


CHRISTINA SANTIAGO 


Christina wants to do more 
acting, singing and dancing 
but she refuses 10 make an 
impulse move 10 Los Angeles. 
“1 want Lo try everything so it 
looks good on my resume and 
people know that Гуе been 
trained in different parts of 
the business.” she says. Right 
now she's doing commercials 
and promotional work and 
eyeing the PMOY title. “There 
are a lot more natural girl 
this year” she says. "To the 
PLAYBOY readers who ap- 
preciate a down-to-earth. 
ethnic, city girl: Pick me!” 


© 
1 


MORE PHOTOS AND VIDEO OF ALL THESE 
PLAYMATES AT CYBER. PLAYBOY.COM. 


A 


PLAYBOY 


166 


(continued from page 124) 
That fact is drummed into the brain of 
every school kid down here from first 
grade on. It’s a point of pride. The 
highway sign that greets out-of-state 
visitors reads DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS. 
And the unofficial slogan of the Texas 
Dental Association is: “If you want to 
maintain healthy teeth, brush after ey- 
ery meal and mind your own busi- 
ness.” That's an ethos encrypted into 
the cell structure of anybody who ever 
amounted to anything in Texas. 

Those people who now persist in 
burning the effigy of George W. Bush 
in places the president cannot pro- 
nounce need to understand his Lone 
Star streak. In 1941 Lyndon Johnson 
lost a race for the U.S. Senate to W. Lee 
“pass the Biscuits, Pappy” O'Daniel, 
who traveled the state reciting the po- 
em The Boy Who Never Got Too Old to 
Comb His Mother's Hair. Texans are а 
druid-like bunch, after all, and you 
have to be one of us to comprehend 
why we do some of the things we do. 

The first time I met the president of 
the United States, he was holding a 
small radio to his right ear. This was in 
1990, at the Texas Republican state 
convention, and 44-year-old George W. 
Bush was listening to a ball game. His 
father happened to be occupying the 
Oval Office at the time. 

A genuine political marvel and hon- 
est-to-God cowboy named Clayton Wil- 
liams was enjoying his coronation as the 
Republican nominee for governor. 
From a political standpoint, Texas at the 
time was a state of personal disasters. 

‘The year before, Texan Jim Wright, 
Speaker of the U.S. House of Repre- 
sentatives, had resigned from Congress 
over a scandal that began when the 
House Ethics Committee investigated a 
deal in which he wrote a skinny book 
for oddly fat royalties. And poor John 
‘Tower had been disgraced in confirma- 
tion hearings for the post of Secretary 
of Defense, characterized as a chronic 
hoister of skirts and cocktail glasses— 
the party boy of the Senate. 

Now came this Clayton Williams cat, 
a man who had sprung to political fame 
from the vast nothingness of west Tex- 
as, the prairie primeval, on the basis of 
television spots in which he issued a 
blood oath to introduce Texas pot- 
heads and punks "to the joys of busting 
rocks.” The actors employed to play 
the convicts in the memorable TV ads 
were actually members of the rodeo 
team at Sul Ross State University in Al- 
pine, Texas. 

Regular Republicans, the regents of 
the realm, were appalled by the sud- 
den rise of Claytie, as he was known to 
his adoring fan base, in 1990. It was 


well known that Williams had been in- 
volved in at least two fistfights. He'd 
smoked his foes in the Republican pri- 
mary, but by convention time Williams 
had flown his balloon into some right- 
eous flak by cracking a joke about rape 
and confessing to banging Mexican bor- 
dertown whores. Williams was proof 
that attempting to insert decorum into 
Texas politics was like trying to outlive 
Bob Hope. 

While Claytie spoke, I approached 
George W. Bush and was able to divert 
him from his game just long enough to 
talk about Williams. Bush said, “The 
question on my mind is how has he 
dealt personally with the adverse stuff 
that happened after the primaries"— 
presumably Claytie’s bad press on his 
“relax and enjoy it” comment— has all 
that changed him? Has this changed 
his zest for politics?” And right then, 
1 learned something about our future 
president. 

Allow me to share this secret: It is im- 
possible for Bush to tell a lie. His eyes 
betray him every time. So, while Bush 
was hardly presenting a resounding 
endorsement of Williams, what his eyes 
were declaring, with unmistakable clar- 
ity, was, “If this hayshaker actually be- 
comes the governor, he'll set the Re 
publican cause in Texas back 50 yea 

When Williams finished his speech, 
he offered a resounding tribute to pols 
who had helped push Texas into the 
corral of rock-ribbed Republican states. 
He listed Bill Clements, the first Re- 
publican to occupy the Governor's Man- 
sion since Reconstruction, and he talked 
about Phil Gramm, and then he men- 
tioned two or three other names. Wil- 
liams somehow omitted the name of 
George Herbert Walker Bush, and even 
though our 41st president was about as 
‘Texan as Charles DeGaulle, he owned 
a mailing address in Houston. 

Claytie walked offstage and smack 
into W., who promptly eviscerated him 
in no uncertain terms. “He told Claytie 
to get his you-know-what-ing ass back 
up there on that stage and recognize 
his father,” is how one of Claytie's cam- 
paign aides remembers it. 

While George W.'s ferocious alle- 
giance to his presidential father was ob- 
vious, the extent of his involyement in 
the administration has been underesti- 
mated. It was George W., in fact, who 
personally confronted John Sununu, 
the old New Hampshire egghead, as 
George H.'s White House chief of staff. 
After Sununu began experiencing me- 
dia heat for alleged excesses with gov- 
ernment-funded perks, W. paid a call 
and personally asked Sununu to “step 
aside because you're hurting my dad.” 

I like to think now that I was on the 
spot at the moment when George W. 
Bush experienced his grand epiphany 


to grasp the banner and mount his own 
political destiny. When Clayton Wil- 
liams was having his butt reamed by 
George W. on that summer Saturday in 
Fort Worth, I was watching from a dis- 
tance of about 100 feet. I could not hear 
what Bush was saying nor could I read 
his lips. But from that distance, I could 
sure read George W.'s eyes, and they 
strongly suggested that when it came to 
politics, the man was becoming impa- 
tient with the best seat in the house and 
now desired to enter the game. 


People in these parts like to say that 
the reason rich Texans pack their off- 
spring away to the Ivy League is that 
they will be taught to say “That's inter- 
esting,” rather than “No shit.” 

In the particular case of George W. 
Bush, multitudes of instances can be 
cited in which that lesson didn't take. 
That's because George W. is Texan all 
the way down to his tonsils and toe- 
nails, with his cultural and spiritual 
taproot set deep into that state's west- 
ern regions, the Lone Star outback. 

When George Herbert Walker Bush 
finished college and heeded Horace 
Grecley's advice that if you're looking 
to cash in, head for the sticks, he didn’t 
do it in half measures. He landed way 
out in Midland, amid the sand fleas 
and tarantulas, where the wind 
blow the mustard off your hot dog. It 
gave young W. the experience of grow- 
ing up around individuals who are 
proud to think of themselves as oil field 
trash but also as good people. 

Parts of west Texas were made even 
better by the fact that the water supply 
contained natural dosages of lithium. 
“More so around El Paso, but it's still 
a minuscule amount. Theoretically, it 
may help them to be more relaxed or 
mellow. Гуе heard people say there's 
less violence in that area, but I haven't 
seen any studies to support it,” says Dr. 
Joel Holiner, a Dallas psychiatrist. 

While we are presented with the im- 
age ofa population of blissed-out zom- 
bies riding in pickups, no one is sug- 
gesting that a taste for lithium lured 
George W. back to the harsh landscape 
of his youth after college in New Eng- 
land. Nor does anybody promote the 
notion that Bush was giddy on ground- 
water when he decided to run for Con- 
gress out there in 1978. 

“I was sort of a professional politi- 
cian, and Га never heard of George W. 
Bush, and hadn’t heard that much 
about his father, when he decided to 
run,” says Kent Hance, who can now 
claim to be the only person to whup 
W.'s ass in a political campaign. Hance 
was the Democrat and Bush, of course, 
the Republican in the congressional 
race in 1978. The Democrat had grown 


ugh one!” 


"I've got a feeling this is going to be a ro 


PELTA TON 


168 


up in the most distant reaches of the 
Panhandle, in the community of Dim- 
mitt—where the road ends and the West 
begins. The congressional district that 
Bush sought to represent is larger than 
most Eastern states. 

“George had beaten an opponent in 
the Republican primary who was an ex- 
military guy who offered a campaign 
platform promising a missile in every 
yard. But George made a mistake early 
in the general campaign against me. He 
ran a TV ad that showed him jogging,” 
says Hance. “Nobody out in that part of 
the country jogs. If folks see somebody 
jogging, they figure his truck broke and 
they'll offer him a ride because he’s late 
to work.” Hance speaks with the most re- 
fined, palace elements of west Texas elo- 
cution. With dry teeth and an even dri- 
er throat, the people of the high plains 
avoid putting pressure on the larynx, 
and speak through their noses instead. 


When agitated, the sumbitches sound 
like Jed Clampett on helium. 

Poor Bush. In 1978 he was a newly- 
wed, and pretty much devoted his hon- 
eymoon to traveling in a station wagon 
to dirt-floor towns like Happy, in Swish- 
er County (yes, such a place docs exist). 
He was glad-handing the locals, the cot- 
ton and peanut farmers who had creases 
that ran across the backs of their necks 
like dry creek beds. All the while, Bush 
was holding his marriage in place on his 
solemn oath to Laura that, win or lose, 
he'd never press her to speak in public, 

"Still, George was a quick study, and 
his campaign caught on because he liked 
the people out there and the people 
liked him,” Hance says. “We tried to de- 
pict him as an outsider. A transplant- 
ed rich Yankee. My slogan was, “ГЇЇ take 
Dimmitt High School over Andover and 
Texas Tech over Yale and the Harvard 
Bizniss School anytime.’ We hit him hard 


“That's Mr. Clark from accounting . . . every year he pretends to pass 
out near the punch bowl so you'll have to step over him!” 


on the notion that he was getting outside 
money, too, from places back East. Places 
like Dallas. Our campaigns crossed paths 
in Levelland, near where the flying sau- 
cer landed on the highway in 1957. Bush 
asked me if I had ever seen a spaceship. 
I told him, '] may see one, I may even go 
riding in one, but I sure as hell ain't go- 
ing to tell anyone about it." He asked me 
about the outside money issue. He said, 
‘So, how are your finances? Are you run- 
ning out of money?’ George wasn't being 
snotty. He was just curious. For a minute 
there, I thought he was going to offer me 
a loan.” 

Hance was the last person to success- 
fully press the case that George W. Bush 
was not a 24-karat Texan. Hance collect- 
ed 53 percent of the vote, beat Bush and 
moved to Washington. Looking back, he 
recalls an incident that foreshadowed 
events to come. “All the freshmen con- 
gressmen went to this orientation session 
in the Cannon Building near the Capi- 
tol, and when we came out, the rain was 
pouring hard, like a cow pissing on a flat 
rock,” Hance says. “We all stood there 
under this awning, staring at the rain, 
and saying stuff like, ‘Goddamn. Jesus. 
Look at that shit come down. We're all 
gonna fucking drown.’ And this other 
congressman named Al Gore came out, 
looked around and said, ‘My goodness 
gracious! What a terrible storm" I knew 
then that Congressman Gore was a com- 
plete stiff.” 

By the year 2000, Kent Hance, like 
most Texas politicians with reasonable 
survival instincts, had switched his label 
to Republican. Even so, Hance swears 
that because of the awning episode he 
still would have voted for George W. 


For years after I first met George W., 
his public identity remained linked to 
the Rangers and to baseball. “Bush had 
an absolute reverence for the game, 
which I am sure was not diminished 
when he made a profit of about $15 mil- 
lion from selling his share of the team,” 
says Frank Luksa, a sports columnist for 
three Dallas-Fort Worth newspapers for 
40 years. “He'd sit out at the old ballpark 
in Arlington, right beside the dugout, 
wearing his Rangers hat, not like the 
luxury-box bean counters who run the 
franchises now. He'd take a lot of heck- 
ling from the drunks in the stands, inv 
ing them down to his seats to talk ball. 

‘Then came 1993, and George W. an- 
nounced that he was running for gover- 
nor. Claytie Williams had lost the elec- 
tion in 1990, defeated because he had 
refused to shake hands with his oppo- 
nent, Ann Richards. What kind of Texan 
wouldn't shake hands with a lady? 

Richards, of course, is a tough old 
hide. John Collins is a past president of 
the Texas Trial Lawyers and, because of 
smaller events in his litigation career, 
could carry a business card that read, 


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170 


“He dug up Lee Harvey Oswald and bur- 
ied Jerry Jones.” In September 1991, at 
a Democratic fund-raising event in Aus- 
tin, Collins was standing with Governor 
Ann Richards and Mary Beth Rogers, 
who had head-coached Ann's big win in 
1990. Bill Clinton, not yet even a gleam 
in the Towa caucus, delivered a speech. 
“Both Ann and Mary Beth had a friend 
involved with politics in Arkansas, and 
she had heard about Clinton's activities 
with women. They were thinking he want- 
ed to be like the Kennedys. 

“So when Clinton walked oyer after 
ch, Ann looked right at him and 
we've been hearing about all 
this womanizing and we want to know 
what you're going to do about that.’ 

“Clinton tried to grin and make light 
of it. He mentioned that Richards her- 
self had been targeted in smear cam- 
paigns about drug use and said, That's 
all just a bunch of made-up tales.’ Then 
he walked away.” The exchange was typ- 
ical of the kick-'em-in-the-cojones atti- 
tude that made Richards seem invincible 
in 1994. 

Before the campaign really started, 
when Richards was out of sight in the 
polls and Bush was perceived as the ad- 
vance man for the earth-hating mag- 
nates of Big Oil, 1 went to Austin to in- 
terview people for a quickie Richards 
biography. My profit margin was based 
on the notion that Ann would win and, 
hell, maybe run for president. During 
that visit, I stopped to see the new house 
of a friend who had moved down from 
Dallas, a lawyer named Jerry Hughes. 
His wife is Karen Hughes, and she was 
handling media relations for the Bush 
campaign. “Ann Richards,” Karen told 


me cheerfully, “is going to lose. There 
will be three key issues in the campaign, 
including school finance, and she’s on 
the wrong side of all three.” I left the 
Hughes house with (as the politicians 
like to say) a heavy heart and a seriously 
diminished enthusiasm for the biogra- 
phy project. Karen Hughes always knows 
what she's talking about. Later 1 would 
learn that Richards felt the same way. 
“Ann certainly did not underestimate 
Bush,” says a confidant. “Early in the 
campaign, she looked at me and said, 
"This guy could beat тє.” 

The Bush campaign established mo- 
mentum just as Hughes had predicted. 
It didn't hurt that the Republican candi- 
date made frequent statewide appear- 
ances with Chuck Norris, the kung fu 
hero of CBS’ Walker, Texas Ranger. While 
some diehard Texans harbored reserva- 
tions about this Walker character—“He 
drives around all day with a black dude 
and fights like a Chinaman”—the show 
gathered a multitude of fans. Not since 
The Untouchables has a television series 
established such a clearly defined line 
between good and evil, a concept that 
seems to be the enduring trademark of 
the Bush presidency. 

Ann Richards, meanwhile, waged a 
listless campaign against George W., and 
like Al Gore, disappointed pundits by 
failing to show any fancy footwork in TV 
debates. Ann exited quietly, and through 
the back door. 


The Texas Governor's Mansion, like 
most ceremonial residences of its era, 
lacks closet space, is drafty and is infest- 
ed with ghosts. In 1985 Governor Mark 


‘Actually, I live with a cat, but it’s platonic.” 


White was giving Ted Kennedy a tour of 
the upstairs portion and declared, “And 
in this room, Senator Kennedy, legend 
has it that Sam Houston himself used to 
consort with Indian women!” 

Kennedy, sensing the presence of the 
spirits, grinned and asked, “Would there 
be any about now?” 

Friends of George W. Bush contend 
that Sam Houston stands paramount 
among his idols. In political ideology, the 
two men seem opposite. Before his ten- 
ure as president of the Texas republic, 
Houston helped author the constitution 
that outlawed banks. Bush was more tol- 
erant toward large business. His oil-re- 
finery-and-cement-plant-police-thyself 
platform was unsettling to advocates of 
clear skies and fresh water. Thus, the 
summertime air quality in and around 
Houston and Dallas remains reasonably 
acceptable by the standards of Cher- 
nobyl. Bush's Texas-style view of tort re- 
form amounted to a judiciary devoted to 
the unfettered well-being of entities such 
as Enron and Worldcom. In Texas, His 
or Her Honor gains access to the bench 
via the ballot box, an ungainly situation 
that produces small Page Six headlines 
such as GRAVEL HAULERS ASSN, ENDORSES 
JUDGE KLEMM. 

And so, on the Halloween weekend of 
1997, Bush stood on the steps of the Goy- 
ernor's Mansion, shaking hands with an 
assembly of writers invited to Austin for 
the Texas Book Festival. The whole af- 
fair was Bush's wife's idea. Laura's pas- 
sion was the promotion of the impossible 
dream of advancing the cause of literacy 
in Texas. The governor seemed genuine- 
ly glad to see these odd-looking critters 
wandering through his house, amused 
but slightly wary, like Johnny Carson 
when some exotic little creature from the 
San Diego Zoo appeared on his program 

Sandra Brown, a former TV weather 
girl who had become a best-selling ro- 
mance novelist, was there. She looked 
great. But nobody else did. Nobody ex- 
cept the governor himself, whose agen- 
da of nondrinking, nonsmoking and 
jogging had paid off. George W. ap- 
peared fit and confident. Like all true 
Texans, he vowed to quit drinking after 
his 40th birthday. And Bush did it, too. 
He actually quit drinking and didn't just 
switch to wine. 

We had a good long talk. He told me 
that he had enjoyed reading a book I'd 
written, Seasons in Hell, a history of the 
early years of the Texas Rangers baseball 
franchise that included the F word in 
practically every sentence. So enchanted 
was I with the governor that I stayed to 
continue that conversation rather than 
appear in a group photo that includ- 
ed the likes of Jim Lehrer, Carlos Fuen- 
tes and Willie Morris. Mostly, we talked 
about sports. 

He said that one of the happiest mo- 
ments of his adult life came when he 
watched the White Sox’ Robin Ventura 


charge to the mound to challenge Nolan 
Ryan. “Ventura,” he said, “must have 
been out of his mind. Nolan cleaned his 
clock.” 

He discounted talk that Roger Stau- 
bach would seek the Texas governor's 
office. “I can’t see that,” Bush said. “Rog- 
er is way too thin-skinned to make it 
in politics.” He also expressed bemuse- 
ment that a Dallas sports columnist had 
implored the governor to reunite the re- 
cently disbanded Southwest Conference. 
“What in the hell does he want me to do 
about it? The governor's authority does 
not extend over football.” 

Before the end of the conversation, 
I'd already placed Bush on my all-time 
top five of engaging public personaliti 
joining Timothy Leary, Vince Lombardi, 
Joan Blondell and Mel Tillis. No pre: 
dent in history has been more cruelly 
mischaracterized by the political car- 
toonists, the ones who portray the presi- 
dent as a pinheaded mutant with the 
ears of a pachyderm, a supporting actor 
in an action scene in Deliverance. You can 
disagree with his politics until your balls 
fall off, but the real-life George W. Bush 
spits forth a spark, an ingenuous elan, 
and to meet him is to remember him. 

Another oddball Texas writer was sim- 
ilarly impressed. Kinky Friedman of 
Kerrville, author of mystery novels and 
self-described as the Oldest Living Jew 
in Texas Who Doesn't Own Any Real Es- 
tate, says, “1 met George at that Texas 
Book Festival thing atthe mansion. 1 was 
loaded on Chivas that morning. Larry 
McMurtry was a no-show, so I put on his 
name tag. People formed a circle around 
me, telling me how they loved my works, 
and 1 shook all of their hands, and said, 
“Thank you kindly. Thank you kindly. 
Bush was watching all that. He didn't 
know who 1 was, but he knew that 1 sure 
as hell wasn't Larry McMurtry, and he 
told his security people that he wanted 
‘that guy’ to manage his next campaign. 
We've been friends ever since.” 

Friedman says that he wrote a column 
about George W. for Texas Monthly, and 
received a letter from the president thank- 
ing him for mentioning his name with- 
out using profanity. “He also invited me 
to sleep at the White House. So I wrote 
him back, and said I was bringing my 
four dogs, my four women and four edi- 
tors. And he wrote back and said, ‘Come 
on up, and you can bring the dogs.” 

“Then September 11 happened, so I 
thought the deal was off. But, no, he fol- 
lowed up. I didn’t stay in the Lincoln 
bedroom, but I did get to bounce on the 
bed. I gave him some expensive Cuban 
cigars, reminding him that by smoking 
them, we weren't aiding Castro's econo- 
my. We were burning his crops. 

"Bush is every bit as quick-witted and 
sharp as Bill Clinton, or Don Imus,” says 
Friedman, who, incidentally, once wrote 
a song called They Ain't Making Jews Like 
Jesus Anymore and has a new book com- 


ing out called Kill Two Birds and Get Stoned. 
“He understands the general perception 
that he's no genius and works that to his 
total advantage. He's like Columbo, and 
the person who underestimates George 
W. Bush does so at his or her grave per- 
sonal peril. And he loves and under- 
stands baseball, and that’s the mark of a 
well-balanced and sane individual.” 

Looking back, the White House seems 
to have always been Bush's destiny—if 
only for the lack of viable challengers. 
The thing that seemed to give him fits 
was not a rival politician, but the state's 
habit of authorizing too many exit visas 
to Peckerwood Hill (the cemetery that 
adjoins Texas’ infamous death house), 
which drew national media attention. 
During the six years of Bush's guberna- 
torial tenure, the state of Texas execut- 
ed inmates at the rate of about one ev- 
ery two weeks. Bush stood in the way of 
one—exactly one—execution. 

“I was interviewing Bush when 1 told 
him he faced a sticky problem with the 
scheduled execution of a man named 
Henry Lee Lucas,” says journalist and 
true-crime author Hugh Aynesworth. 
“Lucas was an alleged serial killer who 
had confessed to the murder of every- 
body but JFK, but I had uncovered clear 
evidence that Lucas was not within 1000 
miles of the scene of the crime he was 


scheduled to die for. Bush was interested 
right away, and asked me to send him 
what I had." Through Aynesworth's ef- 
forts and what the writer describes as the 
governor's diligence, Lucas w 
his ride on the journey gurney. 
impressed me on that," Aynesworth said. 
“There was no political gain in it for him 
whatsocver. In fact, the whole thing was 
really an embarrassment to the law en- 
forcement community that so strongly 
backs Bush." 

By the mid-Nineties Republicans were 
warming to the notion of a Texan in the 
White House. "Republicans were still an- 
gry about Bush 1 losing to this crummy, 
Southern white-trash guy named Bill 
Clinton, and the notion of replacing him 
with Bush I's son had a nice element of 
payback to it," says a prominent Texas 
Republican. 

Soon, the Lone Star tougher-than-a- 
bus-station-steak persona would emerge 
in full, and Bush came forth as a Nolan 
Ryan-Chuck Norris amalgam. The wag- 
on train was fixing to roll out and cross 
the old Red River. Bush's reputation for 
forcefulness had made the rounds. Early 
in his political carcer, he was stumping in 
Fort Worth. “Our paper had a new pub- 
lisher, so we went to visit the governor. 
and oduce ourselves," recalls Mike 
Blackman, then editorial director of the 


PLAYBOY 


Fort Worth Star-Telegram. “Не said, 1 know 
who you are, and I hate your goddamn 
newspaper.” 

“We were stunned and later went to 
visit Governor Bush in his office to see 
if we could establish a clearer or more 
amiable understanding,” says Blackman. 
“When we got down to Austin, it was 
more of the same. The governor peeled 
the paint off the ceiling for about half an 
hour, and then Karen Hughes met us 
coming out, and did the same, only she 
used more-polite language.” 


І had doubts about my Texan's chanc- 
es of capturing the White House during 
the Bush-Gore campaign. The Bush 
people noted that if Texas were a coun- 
try, it would rank as the 1 1th-biggest econ- 
omy in the world. However, it ranked 
first among states in adults without health 
insurance, second for children without i 
surance, third for children living in pov- 
erty and, naturally, dead last in funding 
for the arts. 

1 was concerned, too, that the nation 
would perceive W. as a daddy's-boy elit- 
ist. The truth was that, despite his bo- 
nanza from the sale of his stock in Har- 
ken Energy and his $14 million profit 
that came with his sale of the Texas 
Rangers, Bush was a pauper compared 
to many Texas boosters—men like Кісі 
ard Rainwater (a billionaire and a pr 
pal investor in the Texas Rangers), Rusty 
Rose (another of Bush's partners in the 
Rangers) and Tom Hicks (a man whose 
investment firm profited greatly during 
the Bush years and who later paid top 
dollar for the Rangers). Before and dur- 
ing his tenure as governor, Bush m: 
tained a second home at the ultraprivate 
Rainbo Club. The Rainbo Club is situat- 
ed in Henderson County, near the Koon 
Kreek Klub, which is apparently off-lim- 
its to all but the oldest and deepest pock- 
ets in the state. (Sometime in the late- 
Nineties, the name was changed to Coon 
Creek Club.) The Koon Kreek Klub 
could exist only in Texas, because there 
aren't enough rich guys in Mississippi to 
sustain an ugly deal like that. 

But after a debate during the 2000 
campaign, when Al Gore had come across 
as a mix of Chattanooga televangelist 
and some guy operating a Rodeo Drive 
pedicure salon, a friend of George W.’s, 
a guy who had sat immediately behind 
him for years at Rangers games, turned 
to me and said, “Can you believe that 
sumbitch is going to become President of 
the United States?” 

Meaning George W., of course. The 
question was presented not as an expres- 
sion of horrified disbelief, but amaze- 
ment that a person with such a down- 
home presentation would be, as Dallas 
lawyer Vincent Perini dit, 


“placed in charge of c 


172 Bush, Perini is a native west Texan who 


had gone off to Yale. “That Yale t 
helps the Texan a lot,” Perini s 
your passport to the East. LB] never had 
it, and that's why, even though he would 
never admit it, he felt intimidated by 
people like the Kennedys." 

On election night 2000, 1 went to Aus- 
tin, on the invitation of a person due to 
be secondarily connected with the new 
White House, who offered assurances 
that if the returns came in as anticipated, 
there would be plenty of free scotch. 

As the rain and the darkness gathered 
around the Texas capital, it was soon 
clear there would be no free scotch. Aus- 
tin seemed a city under siege, and the air 
was brutally tense. The town went nuts 
when thc networks declared Bush the 
winner, but the shrieks of relief and joy 
subsided quickly. The omen was crystal 
clear that even if George W. should get 
in, his presidency was preordained as a 
crisis-a-day marathon. 

And so it has been. 


Texans are hardly a novelty within the 
Capitol Building and Oval Office. How- 
ever, a Texan whose administration leans 
as far to the right as perhaps any in U.S. 
history and a Texan who seems dead set 
on global dominance? That's new. 

Take political strategist Karl Rove. 
He's George W.’s witch of Endor, a per- 
son known to cast dire spells on anybody 
who does not travel the paths of political 
righteousness in the far right lane. Bush 
calls him Turd Blossom. You don't want 
to get on the wrong side of Rove. Some- 
how, camera crews received advance 
word from Washington about the perp 
walk of John Rigas, head of Adelphia 
Communications, shortly before his ar- 
rest in New York. The next night Rove 
told a fund-raising crowd, "Wait until 
you see what's next—orange jumpsuits!” 

September 11 was a turning point for 
Rove, as it was for the president. People 
still tell the story of how Cheney went on 
Meet the Press and issued a cogent ap- 
praisal of the situation. Rove then scald- 
cd Cheney's staff for allowing him to up- 
stage the president. Alter that, Cheney 
seemed to disappear. He was sent back 
into the bunker when thc Halliburton 
mess surfaced. He recently emerged to 
help sell regime change in Iraq. 

In January, after news broke of En- 
ron's collapse, Rove told the Republican 
National Committee this year's election 
had to be about the war on terrorism, 
not corporate scandal. So, as Afghan- 
istan faded from the public eye, the ad- 
ministration heavies began the Hussein- 
Iraq mantra and never addressed such 
messes as Enron, Harken, Halliburton, 
looming deficits, unemployment or the 
withering of retirement savings. 

Vhile talk of an invasion has yielded 
political dividends that will probably be 


better than a war itself, Tom Pauken, for- 


mer Reagan official and now a Texas 
businessman, sees trouble. Pauken con- 
tends that many Republican notables 
share his views, but he adds that so far, 
he is one of the first to go on the record 
and say what he thinks. 

“The political downside for the Bush 
administration is that it might wind up 
being more similar to the Nixon admin- 
istration in its outcome than even the 
first Bush adm ration. You had a lot 
of people in the Nixon administration in 
high positions with some real insecuri- 
ties, including the president himself. 
Now you have Karl Rove, who is very 
similar to the people I saw in the Nixon 
administration—the Haldeman crowd 
who wanted very much to be in control. 
Control the media, control the message. 
Politics dominating over policy. 

“Unlike his father, who is not insecure, 
the son, who is very bright, is none- 
theless uncomfortable in the arena he's 
in because he doesn't have the back- 
ground, the knowledge or the strategic 
ion to know what to do when a crisis 
its. Well, the argument has always been, 
he has brilliant advisors. But what hap- 
pens when the advisors disagree be- 
tween and among themselves? How does 
Bush render a decision?" 

Increasingly, the focus on Iraq seems 
less like an attempt to fix Dad's mistake 
and more like a classic misdirection. The 
public aims of the administration are 
military, while the private agenda rarely 
surfaces—like expediting logging in na- 
tional forests, or pushing to open the 
Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drill- 
ing, or walking away from the Kyoto 
agreement on global warming. 

The thought behind the president's 


message of regime change is that we'll 
replace Saddam Hussein with a demo- 
cratic government. Iran follow, and 
then, perhaps, the Saudis. “We can casi- 


ly turn people who were friendly or neu- 
tral toward us into enemies by failing to 
inate between them and our ene- 
s Pauken. "It's important to 
make the distinction between radical Is- 
lamic fundamentalists, who are a real 
strategic threat to us, and the entire 
Arab world, which is not. The argument 
was that the shah of Iran had to be re- 
placed in the Seventies. It hasn't been a 
whole lot better since he was replaced. 
Do we want to be responsible for all that? 

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174 


In mid-July 2002 President Bush 
vowed to crack down on Enron- 
style corporate crime. It was a 
nice bit of theater. As a young 
Texan with a Harvard MBA 
and a gold-plated name, 
George W. Bush benefit- 
ed from just about every 
favor, handshake loan and political 
consideration that came his way. He al- 
so took advantage of the federal tax 
code, government intervention and 
the wiggle room afforded by murky ar- 
eas of accounting and SEC regulations. 
In short, he was a Texas businessman. 
He played the game by Texas rules— 
wheeling and dealing enough to get 
rich without ending up behind bars. 
‘That's the way things are done in the 
Permian Basin oil fields of west Texas, 
where Bush, like his father before him, 
first tried to get independently rich. 
The business was, and still is, all about 
raising money. 
During the late Seventies and early 
Eighties, Bush collected $4.7 million, 
mainly from investors who may have 
seen more profit in backing the son ofa 
Washington heavyweight than in hit- 
ting oil. Half of the wells Bush drilled 
came up empty and his benefactors re- 
ceived more tax write-offs than cash— 
not an unusual turn of events in the oil 
business. His company 
changed its name, from 
Arbusto (Spanish for 
*bush") to Bush Explo- 
ration, as oil prices fell 
and its record tempted 
puns. His father also 
happened to be a 
ting vice president by 
then. Gash had slowed 
to a trickle until Phil- 
ip Uzielli, a wealthy 
Princeton classmate of 
Bush insider James Ba- 
ker, generously pro- 
vided $1 million for 
10 percent of the company. Bush's pros- 
pects were probably no rosier than those 
of many in the oil patch, but his name 
paid dividends. 
Still shaky four years later, Bush's 
company was forced to merge with Har- 
ken Energy, a Dallas company long on. 
dreams and short on finances whose 
chairman was another Harvard MBA, 
Alan Quasha. 
Bush's role at Harken was limited. 
His name shows up in the board mi 
ures, but he spent most of 1988 in- 
volved in his father's presidential cam- 


HALF OF THE 
WELLS WERE 
DRY AND HIS 
BACKERS 
RECEIVED MORE 
TAX WRITE-OFFS 
THAN CASH. 


Bv DANIEL FISHER 


paign and has always denied playing 
a role in what seemed like Harken's big- 
gest coup, an exclusive offshore drill- 
ing rights deal with Bahrain in 1990, 
despite the fact that Harken had no in- 
ternational or undersea experience. 
The year before, things were so grim 
that Harken itself financed the loan 
for a sale of one of. 
its subsidiaries, Alo- 
ha Petroleum, to in- 
siders, declared it as 
earnings and fluffed 
up that year's balance 
sheet. As with En- 
ron's shell games, this 
helped mask the com- 
pany's instability. Tem- 
porarily, anyway. 

Bush sold most of 
his Harken stock hold- 
ings for $848,560 in 
June 1990 to an insti- 
tutional investor who 
remains unnamed. This was about five 
months after the contract with Bahrain 
and two months before Harken restat- 
ed its earnings, which the Securities 
and Exchange Commission demanded 
it do after investigating the bogus Alo- 
ha transaction. Har- 
ken's adjusted quar- 
terly loss came to 
$23.2 million. Many 
now argue that be- 
cause he sat on an au- 
diting committee, as 
well as on a special 
“fairness committee" 
that first met in May 
1990 to evaluate how 
shareholders would be 
affected by corporate 
restructuring, Bush 
may have known there 
were icebergs ahead. 
He reported his stock dump eight 
months late. Eventually, the SEC inves- 
tigated for insider trading, but chose to 
take no action. 

‘The deal that would make George W. 
Bush wealthy came, like the others, 
through a family friend. William De- 
Witt Jr, a former Bush business part- 
ner, wanted to buy the Texas Rangers 
from owner Eddie Chiles, another old 
friend of the Bush family. Once again, 
Bush was in his favorite role as agree- 
able front man, a conduit for the re- 
ported $86 million needed to buy the 


FAMILY 


THE DEAL THAT 
WOULD MAKE 
BUSH WEALTHY 
CAME, LIKE 
THE OTHERS, 


THROUGH A 


Texas 00) эпец 


baseball team. Only this time Bush put 
in real money himself. Of his $606,000 
investment, $500,000 came from old 
friends at United Bank of Midland, 
where he had served as director. Bush 
gota loan from the bank based on his 
Harken stock, Newsweek reported, even 
though the shares may already have 
been pledged as collateral. 

Tt was as managing general partner 
of the Rangers that Bush found the 
magic combination of 
government aid, in- 
fluential friends and 
exquisite timing that 
made him truly rich. 
It meant ignoring, for 
a while, the conserva- 
tive, promarket phi- 
losophy that he es- 
poused in his political 
campaigns. But that’s 
the way the game of 
professional ball is 
played. 

After threatening to 
leave town, the new 
owners convinced the city of Arling- 
ton, a suburb between Dallas and Fort 
Worth, to come up with $135 million 
in stadium financing by raising the lo- 
cal sales tax by half a cent. It helped 
that a legislator, who together with a 
relative owned 45 acres of land near 
the stadium site, sponsored a bill to al- 
low tax money to subsidize construc- 
tion of the complex. 

Bush and the new owners had the 
government create a public authority 
to cobble together acreage for the proj- 
ect. The authority lowballed prices on 
some plots and even condemned pri- 
vate land—despite the objections of the 
landowners—only to turn some of it 
over to the Rangers for future devel- 
opment. The Rangers committed $48 
million, which they planned on raising 
by a $l-a-ticket surcharge. 

Thanks to the publicly subsidized sta- 
dium deal, the Rangers paid off spec- 
tacularly for Bush and his investors. 
Bush received a bump in his two per- 
cent stake by an additional 10 percent- 
age points under an incentive agree- 
ment between the limited and general 
partners. In 1998 the team was sold for 
$250 million to Dallas investor Tom 
Hicks, and Bush walked away with $15 
million. In the oil business, all he could 
do was raise money and lose it for his 
investors. When he combined business 
with politics, Bush managed to come 
up with a cheap home run. 


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(continued from page 104) 
it's locked. He only unlocks it to put 
something in or take something out. He 
keeps the key with him all the time. 
There are no copies." 

"Then our guy used picks." 

"Looks that way." 

Bosch nodded. He picked up the sax- 
ophone. He liked handling it, the feel 
and weight of it. Again, he remembered 
the day on the ship, Sugar Ray bobbing 
and weaving through The Sweet Spot and 
a few other tunes. Bosch fell in love with 
the sound. It felt like it had come from 
somewhere deep within himself. He was 
not the same after that day. 

His cell phone chirped and he dug it 
out of his pocket. Edgar again. 

“Harry, they're about to clear here. 
You want me to come in?” 

“Not yet.” 

“Well, what are we doing?” 

“There was nothing with the body, 
right? No tools, no picks?” 

“That's right. 1 already told you.” 

“I just read through the reports from 
the three priors. That display case was 


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hit each time. It was picked. Servan said 
it was always locked.” 

“Well, we got no lock picks here, Har- 
ry. I guess whoever moved the body took 
the picks.” 

"Servan." 

Edgar was quiet for a moment and 
then said, “Why don't you run it down 
for me, Harry." 

Bosch thought for a moment before 
speaking. 

"He had been hit three times in two 
years. Every time the high-end case was 
picked. It's hard to work a set of picks 
with gloves on. Servan probably knew 
that the one time this guy took off his 
gloves was to work the picks. Steel picks 
going into a steel lock." 

"If he put 110 volts into that lock it 
could've shut this guy's heart down." 

"Depends on the amps. There's a for- 
mula. It has to do with resistance to the 
charge. You know, like dry skin versus 
moist skin, things like that.” 

“This guy just took his glove off. He 
probably had sweaty hands.” 

“It could work. The initial jolt could 
have contracted the muscles and left our 
burglar unable to let go of the pick. The 


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juice goes through him, hits the heart 
and that's it.” 

“Then we're talking more than just 
homicide. This is lying in wait.” 

“The DA can decide all of that. We just 
have to bring in the facts. That means 
you have to get into that case and find 
out how he wired it.” 

Bosch closed the phone and looked at 
Braxton. 

“Now ГИ go talk to him.” 

Nikolai Servan was still waiting calm- 
ly. Bosch took the seat across from him, 
folding his arms and putting his elbows 
on the table in almost a mirror image. 

“We've hita snag, Mr. Servan.” 

“A snag?” 

“A problem. And what Га like to do 
here is give you the opportunity to tell 
me the truth this time.” 

“1 don't understand. I tol’ you truth.” 

“I think you left some things out, Mr. 
Servan.” 

Servan clasped his hands together on 
the table and shook his head. 

“No, J tol’ everything.” 

“What did you do with the burglar's 
lock picks, Mr. Servan?" 

Servan held his lips tightly together 


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for a long moment and then shook his 
head 

"I don't understand.” 

“Sure you do, Mr. Servan. Where are 
the picks?” 

Servan only stared at him 

“OK,” Bosch said, “let's try this one 
then. Tell me how you wired that display 
case.” 

Bowing his head once, Servan said, “I 
have attorney now. Please, I have attor- 
ney now.” 


Bosch pulled to a stop in front of the 
Splendid Age Retirement Home and got 
out with the saxophone and its stand. He 
heard Christmas music drifting out of 
an open window. Elvis Presley singing 
Blue Christmas. 

He thought about Nikolai Servan 
spending Christmas Day in the Parker 
Center jail. It would probably be the on- 
ly jail time he'd ever see. The district at- 
torney's oHice would not decide until af- 
ter the holiday whether to charge him or 
kick him loose. And Bosch knew it would 
probably be the latter. Prosecuting the 
case against the pawnbroker was fraught 
with difficulties. Servan had lawyered 
up and stopped talking. Afternoon-long 
searches of his home, car, the pawnshop 
and the trash containers in the rear al- 
ley failed to produce Kelman’s lock picks 
or the method by which the display case 
had been rigged to deliver the fatal 
charge. Even the cause of death would 
be difficult to prove in a court of law. 
Kelman's heart had stopped beating. A 
burst of electricity had most likely caused 
ventricular fibrillation, butin court a de- 
fense lawyer would argue that the burn 
marks on the victim’s hand and foot 
were inconclusive and not even related 
to the cause of death. 

Bosch planned to go back to the pawn- 
shop the following morning. He would 
Jook until he found the picks or the wire 
Servan had used to kill Kelman. He 
didn't mind giving up his Christmas to 
do it. He had no plans anyway. 

As he approached the front doors of 
the retirement home he noticed that not 
much about it looked particularly splen- 
did. It looked like a final stop for pen- 
sioners and people who hadn't planned 
on living as long as they had. Quentin 
McKinzie, for example. Few jazzmen 
and drug users went the distance. He 
probably never thought he would make 
it this far. 

Bosch entered and walked up toa wel- 
come counter. The place smelled like 
most of the low-rent retirement homes 
he had ever been in. Urine and decay, 
the end of hopes and dreams. He asked 
for directions to Quentin McKinzie’s 
room, The woman behind the counter 
suspiciously eyed the saxophone under 
Bosch's arm but sent him down a hall- 
way to room 107. 

The door to the room was ajar. Bosch 


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could hear the sounds ofa television 
coming from inside. He knocked softly 
and didn't geta response. He slowly 
pushed the door open and stuck his 
head in. He saw an old man sitting in a 
chair next to a bed. A television mount- 
ed high on the opposite wall was dron- 
ing. The old man's eyes were closed. He 
was gaunt and depleted, his body taking 
up only half of the chair. His black skin 
looked gray and powdery. But Bosch rec- 
ognized him. It was Sugar Ray McK. 

Bosch stepped into the room and qui- 
etly made his way around the bed. He 
stood there still for a moment, wonder- 
ing what he should do. He decided not 
to wake the man. He put the instrument 
stand down on the floor in the corner. 
He then cradled the saxophone in it. He 
straightened up, took another look at 
the sleeping jazzman and nodded to him 
in some sort of acknowledgment. As he 
headed out of the room he reached up 
and turned off the television. 

At the door he was stopped by a raspy 
voice. 

“Hey!” 

Bosch turned. Sugar Ray was awake 
and looking at him with rheumy eyes. 

“You turned off my box.” 

“Sorry, 1 thought you were asleep.” 

He came back in and reached up to 
turn the television on again. 


“Who are you? You don’t work here.” 

Bosch turned to face him. “My name is 
Harry Bosch. I came—" 

Sugar Ray noticed the saxophone sit- 
ting in the corner of the room. 

“That's my ax.” 

Bosch picked up the saxophone and 
handed it to him. 

“I found it and I wanted to get it back 
to you.” 

The man held the instrument like it 
was as precious as a new baby. He slow- 
ly turned it in his hands, studying it for 
flaws or maybe just wanting to look at it 
the way he would look at a loved one 
long gone away. Bosch felt a constric- 
tion rising in his chest as the jazzman 
brought the instrument to his mouth, 
licked the mouthpiece and then held it 
between his teeth. His chest rose as he 
drew ina breath. 

But as his fingers went to work and he 
blew out the riff, the wind escaped from 
the weak seal his lips made around the 
mouthpiece. Sugar Ray closed his eyes 
and tried again. The same result sound- 
ed from his instrument. He was too old 
and too weak. His lungs were gone. He 
could no longer play. 

Sugar Ray cradled the instrument in 
his lap as if he were protecting it. He 
looked up at Bosch. 

“And where did you get this, Harry 


y Ple t 


"Well, so much for that New Year's resolution." 


Bosch?" 

"I took it from a guy who stole it from 
a pawnshop.” 

Sugar Ray nodded like he knew the 
story. 

“Was it stolen from you?" Bosch asked. 

"No. I pawned it. A fellow here did it 
for me so I could get money for the box. 
I don't like being in the dayroom with 
the others. They're all suicides waiting to 
happen. So I needed my own box." 

He shook his head. His eyes went up 
to the television on the wall over Bosch's 
shoulder. 

"Imagine, a man trading the love of 
his life for that." 

Bosch didn't know whether to feel 
good or bad about what he had done. 
He had returned an instrument to a mu- 
sician who could no longer play it. But as 
this indecision gripped his heart he saw 
Sugar Ray pull the saxophone closer to 
his body. He held it there tightly, as if it 
were all he had in the world. He brought 
his eyes to Bosch’s and in them Harry 
saw that he had done the right thing. 

“Merry Christmas, Sugar Ray.” 

Sugar Ray nodded and locked down. 

“Why did you do this for me? You 
think that you're playing Santa Claus or 
something?” 

Bosch smiled and squatted down next 
to the chair. He was now looking up into 
the old man’s eyes. 

“I did it to try to make us even, I 

less." 

"The old man just looked back at him, 
waiting. 

"In December 1969 I was on a hospital 
ship in the South China Sea." 

Bosch touched his left side, just above 
the hip. 

“1 got bamboo-bladed in a tunnel four 
days before. You probably don't remem- 
ber this but ——" 

“The USS Sanctuary. Off Da Nang. 
You were one of the boys in the blue 
bathrobes, huh?" 

Sugar Ray smiled. Bosch nodded and 
continued. 

remember the announcement that 
the show was canceled because the seas 
were too high and the fog was too thick. 
The big Hueys with all the equipment 
couldn't land. We had all been waiting 
on deck. We saw the choppers coming in 
through the mist and then just turning 
around to go back." 

Sugar Ray raised a finger. 

“You know, it was Mr. Bob Hope who 
told our pilot to turn that son of a bitch 
around again and putit down on that 
boat.” 

Bosch nodded. He had heard it was 
Hope. One chopper turned again and 
came to the Sanctuary. The small one. 
The one with the headliners onboard. 

"I remember it was Bob Hope, Connie 
Stevens, you and Teresa Graves, that 
beautiful woman from Laugh-In 

“The man on the moon was there, 
too.” 


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"Neil Armstrong, yeah. But the rest of 
the band—the Playboy All-Stars—was on 
one of the other choppers and it went 
back to Da Nang. It was only you and 
you carried your own ax. You played for 
us. Solo." 

Bosch looked at the instrument in the 
old man's gray hands. He remembered 
that day on the Sanctuary as clearly as 
he remembered any other moment of 
his life. 

“You played The Sweet Spot and then 
Auld Lang Syne.” 

“I played the Tennessee Waltz, too. By 
request ofa young man in the front row. 
He'd lost both his legs and he asked me 
to play that waltz.” 

Bosch nodded solemnly. 

“Bob Hope told his jokes and Connie 
Stevens sang Promises, Promises. A cappel- 
la. In less than an hour it was all over 
and the chopper took off. Man, 1 can't 
explain it, but it meant something. It 
made something right in a messed-up 
world, you know? I was only 19 years old 
and I wasn't sure how or why I was even. 
over there. 

“Anyway, Туе listened to a lot of saxo- 
phone since then but I haven't heard it 
any better.” 

Bosch nodded and stood up. 

“I just wanted to tell you that,” he said. 
“You take it easy, Sugar Ray.” 

He headed toward the door and one 
more time Sugar Ray stopped him. 

“Hey, Santa Claus.” 

Bosch turned back. 

“You strike me as a man who is alone 
in the world,” Sugar Ray said. 

Bosch nodded without hesitation. 

“Most of the time.” 

“You got plans for Christmas dinner?" 

Bosch hesitated. He finally shook his 
head. 

“No plans.” 

“Then come back here at three tomor- 
row. We have a dinner and I can bring a 
guest. ГИ sign you up.” 

Bosch hesitated. He had been alone so 
often on Christmases past he thought it 
might be too late, that being around any- 
one might be intolerable. 

“Don't worry,” Sugar Ray said. “They 
won't put your turkey in the blender as 
long as you've got teeth.” 

Bosch smiled. 

“All right, Sugar Ray, I'll be by.” 

“ГИ see you then.” 

Bosch walked down the yellowed сог- 
ridor and out into the night. As he head- 
ed to the car he heard Chrisunas music 
still playing from an open window. It 
was an instrumental, slow and heavy on 
the saxophone. He stopped and it took 
him a moment to recognize it as ГИ Be 
Home for Christmas. He stood there on 
the walkway and listened until the end of 


the song. 


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PLAYBOY 


SEX SURVEY 


(continued from page 100) 
fuck for an hour or so. We were almost caught 
several times. Once, we were fucking on the 
floor and I heard a co-worker rattle his keys as 
he approached the door. 1 sat behind my desk 
(hiding my erection) and she stepped into my 
closet—completely nude. Her clothes were un- 
der my desk. She came out of the closet unbe- 
lievably horny. That's when we started our 
“risky sex” phase. We would fuck after-hours 
in the lobby, on the stage of the auditorium 
(during hours), on the hood of my car, in the- 
aters, restaurants and bars. The risk of getting 
caught was the thrill. I should have married 
her. We were both already married, though. 
(Male, married, 45) 

"The consequences of cheating don't 
have to be outlined in the employee 
handbook: 

Thad a very hot anything-goes sexual rela- 
tionship with the boss’ wife some years back. 
We got caught. She had written me a letter 
about how much she enjoyed all our positions 
and toys, along with in-depth details of how we 
used our tongues to pleasure each hole in our 
bodies. She decided not to give it to me, instead 
tearing it up and throwing it into the trash. 
He found il and pieced it together. When he 
presented it to me for an explanation, I did not 
lie. I told him everything and how sorry I was. 
Of course, I was fired. They divorced and we 
were logether for six more years. That was the 
best sex I have ever had. (Male, divorced, 

Some of our subjects said they had sex 
only with married people, on the as- 
sumption that married lovers had as 
much to lose and would honor discre- 
tion. Not all were as ugly or brazen as 
this boss: 

Twice I was involved т. close relationships 
to the extent that when the affair ended it was 
impossible for us to keep working together. On 


both occasions, I fired the person with no feel- 
ings of guilt—sorry, it wasn't sexual harass- 
ment in my mind. Both times the woman was 
the aggressor in starting the relationship and 
then raising it to the level of talking marriage. 
Both breakups were unpleasant. By most stan- 
dards, I'm sure the women could have sued me 
for sexual harassmeni—though I doubt their 
husbands would have enjoyed the publicity of 
a trial. (Male, divorced, 42) 

Or as vengeful as this woman scorned: 

Lam currently in a lawsual. At the time of 
the affair I was 22 and single. He was 35 and 
married. Our affair lasted from July 2001 
through January 2002, when his wife had a 
baby (he told me they were not planning to 
have kids anytime soon). He went to human 
resources and played a message in which 1 
threatened to get him fired. At the same time, 
he pulled a Bill Clinton, stating he had never 
hung out with me or been physical with me, 
ever. When I got called in (you see, I am a 
smart blonde), I presented a recorded conver- 
sation in which he admilted to having me dress 
up like a schoolgirl. And, sorry, I also have the 
Monica DNA evidence. Bul the company de- 
cided to keep this man despite our affair and 
let me go. They tried to offer me severance 
twice. I was advised by the labor board to get 
an attorney. (Female, single, 23) 


THE LEGACY 


One out of 10 female respondents 
had filed a sexual harassment com- 
plaint. Interestingly, men and women 
were equally vulnerable to such charges. 
About four percent of the men and five 
percent of the women said that they had. 
been accused, 

In the wake of the Hill-Thomas hear- 
ings, many, if not all, of the Fortune 500 
companies instituted some kind of sexu- 
al harassment training program 

Fewer than half of the men and wom- 


4... And here's a shot of Ed and me having sex with your husband." 


en who answered our survey had sat 
through such training. Of those who re- 
ceived training, a sixth found it useful, a 
third found it a waste of time and a third 
became more cautious. A sizable minori- 
ty (nine percent of all males, 10 percent 
of all females) thought that such training 
had made things between the sexes worse. 

Sexual harassment training seemed to 
have a greater impact on men than on 
women (not surprising, since most train- 
ing depicts males as predators). They 
were more cautious, but not much. 5ШІ, 
subjects who had gone through a lecture 
on workplace etiquette admitted to tell- 
ing sexy jokes, sending risqué e-mails or 
flirting. 

‘The sexual harassment hysteria intro- 
duced the phrase “unwanted sexual at- 
tention” into the national vocabulary 
and equated it with something just this 
side of rape. The vast majority of our 
subjects said they had never made a pass 
that was rejected (that, or they simply 
had never made a pass). Of those who 
had been turned down, a third said it 
was no big deal. Only a few (six percent 
of women and four percent of men) said 
it created a problem. Not surprisingly, 
women were more likely than men to be 
the recipients of unwelcome passes, and 
significantly more likely to say the ha- 
rassment had created a problem (13 per- 
cent versus four percent). 

Companies seem loath to intrude on 
affairs between consenting adults. Only 
one fifth of our subjects said they worked 
for a place that policed dating. Two fifths 
of our subjects said their company had 
no policy; some (21 percent) expressed 
ignorance of a policy or disdain for one 
(20 percent), saying it was nobody’s busi- 
ness but their own. 

Some notes on the survey: We consult- 
ed with sociologist Janet Lever for help 
preparing the questionnaire. She was 
part of the team that designed the first 
Playboy Readers’ Sex Survey in 1982 
and has since become an expert on sex 
in the workplace. The current question- 
naire ran for six weeks on Playboy.com. 
Director of Internet Technology Jamie 
Voris retrieved the data, Carol Edwards 
at Rand crunched the numbers. Editori- 
al Assistant Malina Lee and Senior Staff 
Writer James R. Petersen tried to find 
the meaning of it all. 

‘The people who answered the survey 
reflected the demographics of the Inter- 
net. The average age of the men was 29; 
that of the women was 26. The ratio was 
nine to one, male to female. We suspect 
that the women who are comfortable vis- 
iting the Playboy website are more likely 
to be sexually liberal. Some of the an- 
swers support that. Would the 155 wom- 
en who confessed to making photocop- 
ies of their genitals on the office Xerox 
please forward proof? 


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MONSTER'S BALL 


(continued from page 99) 


big SUVs (“flip” is a sensitive word to 
manufacturers) is that these vehicles ride 
high, and with an elevated center of grav- 
ity are more prone to rollovers in tight 
turns. Poor gas mileage is another neg- 
ative. SUVs also block the view of other 
drivers and, in accidents, make mince- 
meat of smaller cars. Doonesbury singled 
out the evils of SUVs, and the breed 
made grim headlines when Ford Explor- 
ers equipped with Fire- 


the Yukon XL Deni 
also offers the Envoy XUV, which fea- 
tures a sliding roof that will accommo- 
date an upright piano. 

‘The Mercedes-Benz G-500 is a serious 
rock climber that's equally at home in 
front of the country club. You'll need 
about $75,000 for membership. Loaded 
with electronics, it has an audio system 
that rivals most custom installations. 
Range Rover's latest model offers an elec- 
tronically controlled suspension system 
for extra height in rough terrain and 


liter sport version, will outcorner many 
sport sedans and still cruise gravel roads. 
Mercedes-Benz offers an AMG version 
ofits Alabama-built M-Class. The 342 hp 
ML55 AMG with 18-inch wheels and 
enormous brakes will go from zero to 60 
in just over six seconds and top out at 
144 mph. 

Coming late to the party, Porsche and 
Volkswagen showed a pair of extraordi- 
пагу 2004 SUVs during last September's 
Paris Motor Show. Drawing on the com- 
pany's Paris-Dakar rally experience, the 

Porsche Cayenne— pack- 


stone ATX and Wilder- 
ness AT tires suffered an 
unusually large number 
of blowouts and tread 
separations. All-new, ful- 
ly independent suspen- 
sion on 2002 models and 
improved tires solved 
that problem and Ex- 
plorer sales revived. But 
the entire episode cast a 
pall on SUVs and result- 
ed in a book by New York 
Times reporter Keith 
Bradsher entitled High 
and Mighty: SUVs: The 
World’s Most Dangerous 
Vehicles and How They Got 
That Way. 

Bradsher's criticism 
applies more to earli- 
er models introduced 
before the manufactur- 
ers equipped them with 
four-wheel disc brakes 
and handling aids. Oth- 


er features have made 


as sudden high-5 


Above: Porsche's 2004 Cayenne turbo model comes equipped with o 450 hp V8. 
The top speed is about 165 mph. Electronic suspension lets 


E from comfort to sports. Pri 
will be introduced in 2005. Below: 


u pick settings that 
: about $90,000. A 600 hp, $100,000 model 
quipped with Volvo's new Roll Stability Con- 
trol, the 2003 XC90 (about $35,000) is potentially safe in extreme situations such 
`d swerves. The XC90's boron steel roof is five times stronger 
than regular steel and adds more protection in the unlikely event of a rollover. 


ing a 340 hp V8 (about 
$57,000) or a 450 hp 
turbo (about $90,000)— 
offers Active Suspension 
Management with three 
settings, from mild to 
track-ready. Look for the 
Cayenne early this year. 
The Volkswagen Tou- 
areg shares some of 
the Cayenne's under- 
pinnings, plus a special 
four-wheel-drive system 
called 4Motion that dis- 
tributes torque between 
the front and rear axles. 
When slippery condi- 
tions are encountered, 
all the power can be 
transferred to an axle 
that has traction. A 
six-speed, 3.2-liter V6 
version starts around 
$42,000. There’s a 4.2- 
liter V8, too. VW also 
builds a V10 turbodie: 
sel Touareg. No deci- 


current king-size SUVs 
much safer. Cadillac's 
StabiliTrak senses an 
imminent skid and ap- 
plies a combination of 
brake and throttle in- 
puts to correct it. Volvo's 
XC90 boasts an elec- 
tronic Roll Stability Con- 
trol system that slows 
and manages the vehi- 
cle’s movements during 
abrupt maneuvers. 

Fuel and safety issues 
notwithstanding, the big 
SUVs can hold lots of 
gear, tow a boat and tra- 
verse mud and snow 
with few problems. Driv- 
en properly, they're lots of fun. Here's 
what's new. 


BIG BRUTES 

Although the 3%-ton Excursion from 
Ford looks to be short-lived, the slightly 
smaller 24-ton Expedition still sells well. 
The new Lincoln Navigator and Explor- 
er-based Lincoln Aviator have fully inde- 
pendent suspensions front and rear and 
offer premium running gear. Chevy's 


182 long-lived Suburban and its GMC clone, 


Hill Descent Control, which allows you 
to tiptoe down steep slopes with your 
foot off the brake. Price: about $70,000. 
Lexus’ LX470 features Vehicle Skid Con- 
trol and a Mark Levinson superpremi- 
um stereo. Toyota's rugged Land Cruis- 
er is the basis for the Lexus LX470. 


SUPER SPORT UTES 


BMW waited to develop an SUV so its 
entry could handle like—what else?—a 
BMW. The X5, especially the 347 hp 4. 


sion has been made on 
whether it will be sold in 
the States. 


CROSSOVERS 


Car-based SUVs such 
as the Lexus RX300 
(soon to be replaced by 
the 2004 RX330) and 
the Acura MDX (with its 
spin-off, the Honda Pi- 
lot) offer more driving 
ease. The best of this 
crowd is the new Volvo 
XC90, a turbocharged 
SUV with Swedish wiz- 
ardry that actually sens- 
es if you're about to go 
out of control and elec- 
tronically applies the right combination 
of throttle and brakes to prevent the ve- 
hicle from rolling over. 

Properly driven, big SUVs are safe. 
They do have different handling charac- 
teristics than cars, so be sure you know 
your vehicle’s limits. Our best advice: 
Match your SUV to your driving style. If 
you have a sports car mind-set, pick an 
SUV that's equal to the task. 


WHERE AND HOW TD BUY ON PAGE PAGE 185. 


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Hot Chocolate (continued from page 91) 


When it comes to the chocolate itself, err on the side of 
greatness. Buy a premium brand. 


Cadbury, the British confectioner, start- 
ed the tradition of boxed chocolates and 
invented the heart-shaped chocolate box 
for Valentine’s Day giving. In 1922 the 
Buitoni family in Italy introduced Pe- 
rugina Baci (“kisses”). And, of course, we 
all know about the promiscuously avail- 
able kisses from Hershey's. 

But is itan aphrodisiac? Hernando 
Cortéz watched Montezuma drink up to 
50 goblets of something called “choco- 
latl" made from cocoa beans before head- 
ing off to his harem. Casanova also con- 
sumed chocolate before putting another 
notch on his bedpost. 

Chocolate is a complex food that con- 
tains, among many other substances, 
phenylethylamine and serotonin. Both 
are released in the brain when we have 
feelings of love and passion. They cause 
a rapid mood lift, a rise in blood pres- 
sure, an increased heart rate—and pro- 
duce feelings bordering on euphoria. 
Chocolate releases those same substanc- 
es—with the added benefit of providing 
energy in the process, thus increasing 
stamina, which may come in handy later. 
Some research suggests that women are 
more susceptible to the effects of choco- 
late than men are. 

First and foremost, chocolate is fun. 
The right equipment, however, makes 
working with chocolate a lot easier. Start 
with a double boiler—it's tricky to apply 
heat directly to chocolate. The most ver- 
satile insert is one with slopin; les to fit 
into pans of different sizes. Our favorite 
has a bowl at the bottom that accommo- 
dates a pound of melted chocolate. 

When making cakes with chocolate, 
you're going to be working with eggs, 
which means separating and whisking. 
Get the best and largest whisk you can— 
‘one with as many tines as possible. The 
point of whisking is to beat air into the 
egg components. To be effective, you'll 
need a large surface—the inside of a big 
bowl—and to use long, rapid strokes with 
the whisk. Of course, there are those 
who use handheld electric mixers to beat 
egg whites, and they find a way to live 
with themselves. 

You'll need some large mixing bowls— 
one for whipping egg whites. A chef may 

ist on a huge copper bowl, which he 
chills before putting in the whites. A 
stainless steel bowl works just fine. 

Some recipes call for parchment pa- 
рег You'll need it to line cake pans and 
cooking surfaces. A cooling rack is a 
good idea, and several rubber spatulas 
are essential. They scrape chocolate elli- 
ciently from the sides of bowls. Own a 
heavy-gauge nonstick loaf pan, a spring- 


form cake pan and a fluted tart pan with 
removable bottom and you will never 
have to get another baking dish. 

When it comes to the chocolate itself, 
err on the side of greatness. Hershey's, 
Baker's and other mass-market brands 
are fine. But if you're going to go to the 
effort of making her something special, 
buy a premium brand. It will go a long 
way in doing your work for you. Choco- 
late snobs are among the most argumen- 
tative on earth. They will contend that 
their favori best, and they may be 
right. But once you get into the rarefied 
world of Lindt, Valrhona, Callebaut, 
Ghirardelli, Tobler and Scharffen Ber- 
ger, you're cutting in tall cotton. After 
you cook with chocolate for a while, you 
will acquire your own prejudices. 

There are a million chocolate recipes, 
but for starters, you'll only need a few. 
One simple way to her heart is with a 
classic gateau that is virtually foolproof. 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. But- 
ter the inside of a 10-inch springform 
pan. Combine 12 ounces of bittersweet 
chocolate, broken into pieces, a stick and 
a half of unsalted butter and three q 
ters of a cup of granulated sugar in a 
double boiler over lightly boiling water. 
Melt and stir until completely blended. 
Set aside to cool. 

Mix five large whisked egg yolks into 
the cooled chocolate mixture. Whisk in a 
third of a cup of unbleached flour. Beat 
the five egg whites in a large bow! until 
peaks form. Add a third of the egg whites 
to the chocolate and blend vigorously. 
Then carefully and slowly blend in the 
remaining whites. Pour the mixture into 
the pan and bake until the cake is firm— 
about 40 minutes. 

Let it cool on a rack for several hours 
before removing the pan. Sprinkle with 
confectioners’ sugar and serve with an 
aged tawny port or a glass of sauterne. 


Another recipe to have in your quiver 
is a classic chocolate sauce. 

Take six ounces of bittersweet choc- 
olate, half a cup of water, half a cup of 
sugar, half a cup of heavy cream, one 
tablespoon of unsalted butter at room 
temperature and half a teaspoon of va- 
nilla extract (optional). Put all the ingre- 
dient: the top of a double boiler and 
bring to a boil over medium heat while 
stirring. Simmer over low heat, stirring 
occasionally, until the mixture thickens 
slightly—10 to 15 minutes. Spoon over 


ісе cream. 


BIRTH OF THE MOB 


(continued from page 108) 
Then, Titanic came out and he was fine in 
what that was, a phenomenon. The Di- 
Caprio I was thinking of was from What's 
Eating Gilbert Grape?, This Boys Life, Total 
Eclipse. And if Titanic helped the bank- 
ability that 1 needed on Gangs, then fine. 
PLAYBOY: How important is bankability? 
SCORSESE: It is interesting. When I tried 
to do The Last Temptation of Christ, it was 
suggested to me that certain actors who 
were bankable in Europe could get the 
money to make the movie. I didn’t do it 
because the actors mentioned didn't feel 
right to me. Leo was different. I remem- 
bered what Bob had told me and т; 
action to his performances. Bankab 
came after that. 
PLAYBOY: You coaxed 
Daniel Day-Lewis out 
of semi-retirement to 
play Bill the Butcher. 
It scems the kind of 
role you usually had 
De Niro play. 
SCORSESE: Maybe 1 
was thinking that way 
at one point, years 
ago. Bob De Niroand 
I still associate to- 
gether constantly. We 
did our important 
work together in the 
Seventies, from Taxi 
Driver to Raging Bull. 
Following The King of 
Comedy, everything 
changed. He start- 
ed to make different 
kinds of stories and 
films. The industry 
changed, too. Direc- 
tors had been giv- 
en giant budgets for 


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mino's Heaven's Gate, 
which almost Бап 
rupted a studio: Have you seen the pow: 
er shift from auteurs to stars? 

SCORSESE: It was a horrible thing for me 
and guys like Mike Cimino. It's all gone 
now and a lot of people who were in- 
volved then are gone. But in the case of 
Cimino, it was also the critics who helped 
destroy the cinema of the director, the 
way they attacked Heaven's Gate. The hon- 
eymoon was over. 

PLAYBOY: Now the tide is moving in the 
opposite direction. Studios are less in- 
terested in giving big bucks to actors to 
make derivative blockbusters. 

SCORSESE: That may be a good thing. 
Maybe it can come back the other way. 
“Take some of these young directors, like 
Alexander Payne, Wes Anderson, Paul 


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group can bring it back. I hope they can 
get their budgets and use them wisely. 
Because some of us didn't. 

PLAYBOY: Is that why you and De Niro 
haven't done a picture since Casino? 
SCORSESE: We had explored a lot of who 
we were. He went off and made his oth- 
er movies and I had 10 find my vay. We 
check in with each other, I value his 
opinion. Гуе had him read scripts for 
me, he gives me scripts to read. Cape Fear 
is a good example of a thing I didn't 
think I would want to do, which Bob and 
Steven Spielberg pushed me to do. I got 
him to do Casino, but by that point we 
were ready to do different things. We're 
still like family. I just went to his 59th 


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fellas without having gone through that 

process. Raging Bull was generated by 

De Niro and I didn’t want anything to 

do with it because I'm not a sports per- 

son. I found that character on my own 
terms and though we never expressed it, 
we knew there was a total emotional and 
psychological compatibility. І look back 
now, and realize he is me in the movie. 

I'm sure Bob feels it's him. Mean Streets 

was different, that was a character we 

both knew from the neighborhood. Back 
then, the person I did feel was an alter 
ego for me was Harvey Keitel, whom 

I met in 1965, With Harvey, Bob and 

me, there's something very close. 1 don't. 

know how to deal with it, I don't know 
what it is. It's very emotional. 

PLAYBOY: Were you at all surprised that 
De Niro found a sec- 
ond and more lucra- 
tive career as a comic 
actor in films like An- 
alyze This? 

SCORSESE: Oh, no. 1 
think he always had a 
great sense of humor. 
PLAYBOY: Daniel Day- 
Lewis had basically 
given up acting when 
you brought him 
back to play a villain 
in Gangs. How did 
you lure him back? 

SCORSESE: It was a com- 
bination of me, Har- 
vey and Leo. Daniel 
and I had developed 
an interesting rela- 
tionship making The 
Age of Innocence. That 
film was all under- 
current. They barely 
moved their faces, but 

- I had to have him be- 

tray his emotion in 

ways that would re- 
main classy in that 
world. He showed it. 


Frame by frame, an 
eyebrow raised here, 
another subtlety there. 
‘The undercurrent of 


0 Discover Cad Ty 


birthday party. There was Harvey Keitel 
and his wife, Chris Walken, Chazz Pal- 
minteri, all these kids running around, 
birthday cakes—it was an extraordinary 
family reunion. 

rLAYBOY: How do you explain your cre- 


ative partnership with De Niro? 

SCORSESE: Maybe Bob was an emotional 
or psychological double. We never really 
dissected or analyzed it. We didn't need 
to with Taxi Driver—we considered Paul 
Schrader's script sacrosanct. New York, 
Меш York, we explored a lot of things, to 
the point of hysteria. Looking back, I 
don't think that was the right way to go 
about it, but at the time I didn't know 
the right way. And I couldn't have made 
Raging Bull or The King of Comedy or Good- 


% А Š Š 
—/ his emotional conflict 


was so powerful that it was quite a good 
experience. 

PLAYBOY: This role is exactly the opposite 
of that. 

SCORSESE: He is way out there on this 
one. If he’s displeased, he will tell you, 
or you will sce it in his eyes. Or his eye, 
because he only has one that works. I 
told him about the project, but I wasn't 
going to push Daniel to do anything. We 
met two or three days, had dinners with 
Leo and Harvey. Whatever he was feel- 
ing about filmmaking itself or his past 
work, il seemed he wasn't getting what 
he wanted out of it creatively. 

PLAYBOY: He's a hard-core Method actor 
who stays in character until a film wraps. 


Playing a barely controlled psychopath 185 


186 


ном 


то 


BUY 


WIRED 
Pages 34-36: АШ Nature's 
Safeway, naturessafeway. 
com, Alpha Lab, trificldme 
ter.com. Capcom, 408-774- 
0400 or capcom.com. Gam- 
та Scout, gammascout.com. 
ТҮС, 800-252-5722 or jvc. 
com. KDS, 800-283-1311 or 
kdsusa.com. LucasArts, lucas 
arts.com. Rockstar, 410-933- 
9191. Safety Technology, 800- = 
477-1739 or safetytechnolo 


MAN 
D 
fü >V 


olufsen.com. Ben Hogan, 
benhogan.com. Benchmade, 
800-800-7427. Beretta, be 
rettausa.com, Bon Voyage, 
teneues.com. Creative Labs, 
creative.com. Crosskate, 877- 
276-7758. Delphi, xmradio. 
com. Denon, denon.com. 
Epicurean Collector, bulfinch 
press.com. Fine European 
Gunmakers, safaripress.com. 
Froth au Lait, frothaulait. 
com. FujiFilm, 800-800- 


іш” 


gy.com. Seachange Tichnolo- 
gy, sharkshield.com. Ubisoft Entertainment, 
877-604-6523 or ubisoft.com. Wherify, 877- 
569-9881 or wherifywireless.com. 


E-COMBAT 

Page 38: Microsoft, 425-882-8080 or xbox. 
com. Nintendo, 800-255-8700 or ninten- 
do.com. Sony Computer Entertainment, 800- 
345-7669 or playstation.com. 


MANTRACK 

Pages 47-48: ACM, 800-750-8080 or cred 
itcardholder.net. Clarkson/Potter Publishers, 
darksonpotter.com. Harper Collins, harper 
collins.com. Honda, honda.com. La Prairie 
Spa, 212-506-0840. Rowenta, 781-396-0600. 
Salamander Designs, 800-535-5659 or sala 
manderdesigns.com. 


MONSTER'S BALL 

Pages 98-99: Acura, acura.com. BMW, 
bmw.com. Cadillac, cadillac.com. Chevrolet, 
chevrolet.com. Ford, fordvehicles.com. 
GM, gm.com. GMC, gmc.com. Honda, hon. 
da.com. Lexus, lexus.com. Lincoln, lincoln. 
com. Mercedes-Benz, mercedesbenz.com. 
Porsche, porsche.com. Range Rover, land 
rover.com. Tüyota, toyota.com. Volkswagen, 
volkswagen. com. Volvo, volvo.com. 


ELEVENTH-HOUR SANTA 
Pages 105-107: Bang & Olufsen, bang- 


3854. Hewlett-Packard, 888- 
999-4747. K2, 800-426-1617 or sethpis 
tol.com. Millennium Imports, 800-462-5390. 
Motorola, motorola.com. Nike, nikegolf. 
com. Panasonic, 800-211-7262. Pharos, pha 
rosgps.com, Road Wired, roadwired.com. 
SanDisk, sandisk.com. Sennheiser, senn 
heiserusa.com. Sony, sony.com/di. Steiner, 
800-257-7742 or steiner-binoculars.com. 
Whisky, Nammarion.com. 


GIVE A GIRL A SHIRT 
Pages 144-147: Abercrombie & Fitch, aber 
crombie.com. Giorgio Armani, giorgioar 
mani.com. Baldessarini Hugo Boss, hugo 
boss.com. Casadei, 212-765-6846. Cotton 
Club al La Petite Coquette, 212-473-2478. 
Dada, 646-473-0171. Eberjey al La Petite Co- 
quelle, 212-473-2478. Gucci, 212-826-2600. 
Hugo Boss, 800-HUGO-BOSS, Scott Kay, scou 
kay.com. Liberti, 212-889-4925. Movado, 
movado.com. Raffi, 800-775-3454. Reebok, 
reebok.com. Southpole, southpole-usa.com, 
Tourneau, tourneau.com. Turnbull and Ass- 
er, turnbullandasser.com. 2(a)ist, 2xist.com. 
Under Armour, underarmour.com. Stuart 
Weitzman, stuartweitzman.com. 


ON THE SCENE 

Page 195: Aprilia, apriliausa.com. Haljet, 
italjetusa.com/torpedo. Piaggio, piaggio 
usa.com. Scooterworks, scooterworks. com. 


Жеты PHOTOCRAHY ву, P. 3 PATTY BEAUDET TRANCES (з, J, НОСЫ BOTHAN: TOBIAS BUCKLEY, GREGORY CROW 
НА 


MELISSA KAYDEN. JERREL KERRON, бам ROSE; 7 ARNY FREI 


таз TONY Seo, ARTWORK BY. P 135 SCOTT ANDERSON P 76 HAM 
M, MAKCUP BY ULL SCHOBER FOR NARSICELESTINEAGENCY 


EP 8 PHILLIP DIXON, MARK ULRIKSEN. 


‚© PETER KRAMERICALELLA АЛО, P. 24 DETTHARNY 


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E 


must have been tougher for him than an 
actor who lets go after each take. 
SCORSESE: Some people, that's the only 
way they know how to do it. So it has 
to be spent wisely, not thrown away. We 
made him feel we really wanted him. 
The last day, I was showing him some 
stills from this research book we had. 
I was turning the pages, and just hap- 
pened on one with an engraving of Bill 
"the Butcher" Poole, 1856. It was done 
for his death after he was killed by an 
Irishman. He looked just like Daniel 
would have, if he had a handlebar mus- 
tache. I said, look at this. He still wanted 
to think about it. 1 think he had to ask 
his wife. He gets so into a role that it af- 
fects the people around him. He had a 
little boy at the time, and just had an- 
other baby. People told me that he stays 
in the character. Once he became Bill, 
he stayed Bill, on camera and off. He'd 
speak with Bill's accent, discuss things in 
Bill's tone and from Bill's point of view. 
PLAYBOY: Bill is us and deadly in the 
script. Did you have to give Daniel as Bill 
a wide berth? 

SCORSESE: No, he had a good sense of hu- 
mor. It may be hard for an actor working 
that way to sustain a rage presented a 
certain way, with some decorum and in- 
ner strength. You'll see that in one par- 
ticular scene with Daniel and John C. 
Reilly. They're alone in a bar. You can 
see the containment of the rage and 
anger and how it comes out. And how, 
with humor, he pulls it back in. But the 
humor itself is dangerous. For a person 
to live in that frame of mind, day and 
night, that’s pretty taxing. 

PLAYBOY: Many people credit you with 
taking screen violence to new levels with 
movies like Casino. 

SCORSESE: But the violence I do in my 
pictures is not pretty, and it is usually 
based on reality. I think the last word 1 
could have on violence, what 1 really 
think about it, is the ending of Casino, 
where Joe Pesci and his brother are 
killed with baseball bats in the cornfield. 
‘That was based on a real story and signi- 
fied the dead end of a lifestyle of exces- 
sive behavior, greed, gangsters. What 
worries me more is the sanitizing of the 
violence. You have to go further with 
cach blockbuster. If there's one car being 
crashed, then you have to go three, then 
10, then hundreds. Then whole cities 
come down. How far are you going to go 
before the audience is satisfied? I'm an 
ancient-history buff, I love to read about. 
civilizations rising, and why they fall. 
When the Roman Empire couldn't sus- 
tain its economic expansion, they put 
the games in the Colosseum as big PR. 
People couldn't go out of Rome, so they 
brought in all these exotic animals and 
captives. Saying, “We're so big we could 
get this ostrich from North Africa, and 
we can get 1000 of them and kill them all 
in one day" That glorification of excess 
is dangerous. 


PLAYBOY: When you did a Playboy Interview 
in 1991, you seemed to be а self-tortured 
guy. As you near 60, has that changed? 
SCORSESE: That was after Cape Fear. I'm 
still a pain in the neck to myself, 1 real- 
ly am. But I appreciate certain gifts, like 
the ability to make movies 1 wanted to 
make that weren't box-office blockbust- 
ers. Each film is a struggle. 1 can't com- 
plain. In my personal life, I have a wife 
and a new child and that has mellowed 
me. I look back at other big changes in my 
life. The passing of my parents in 1993 
and 1997. My problems are my own and 
they have to do with whether or not 1 
can do something of value. 1 don’t want 
to just go to work, though as I've told 
you, 1 have to. But I'm not like those 
great old Hollywood directors who would 
get ajob and go make a pirate film, then 
a musical. 

PLAYBOY: Was Gangs of New York your hard- 
est struggle? 

SCORSESE: That had to be The Last Temp- 
tation of Christ. We had little budget, and 
it was by far the worst shoot you could 
think of. There are a couple of pretty 
good scenes and the actors were great, 
but I'm still not satisfied because I don't 
even feel like I completed that film, hon- 
estly. We had to release it а couple of 
months early because of the controversy 
and never color-correaed it properly. 
playboy: You have mined your own Cath- 
olic guilt in films from Mean Streets to 
Last Temptation. As someone who nearly 
became a priest, how do you think Gath- 
olics reconcile the pedophilia scandals? 
SCORSESE: That's a tough one, but re- 
member, priests are human beings, too. 
One has to be careful and not reflect too 
much on the idea of what the church is. 
We're finding that as many priests as 
had problems, the majority try to help. 
There was one who came to my parish at 
21 who changed our lives and opened 
our minds to the rest of the world. He 
said, “You don't have to live like this, this 
ghettoized thinking of a Sicilian Amer- 
ican community. There's a world out 
there.” The priests who fell in the cur- 
rent situation fell badly. But the real 
problem is the institution. The anger 
you have is toward the institution that 
coyered it up. The American Catholic 
Church's image was Bing Crosby in Go- 
ing My Way. To have that image shat- 
tered, it destroys part of our innocence. 
That's enough now. America has got to 
grow up. When you have a man-made 
institution, there's going to be corrup- 
tion. The conflict is your gullibility in 
wanting to believe. What really counts is 
action, and in the places I've seen, the 
actions have been pretty good. But as an 
institution, the cover-up is horrible and 
has to do with politics within the insti- 
tution itself. The scandal is horrible, but 
the Vatican and the whole church are go- 


ing to have to change because of it. 


Ron Insana 


(continued from page 152) 
and hard assets are going to be involved 
for a while. 


12 


PLAYBOY: For many of us, technical stock 
market analysis can make the eyes glaze 
over. Why should we pay attention? 

INSANA: Technical tools can be helpful— 
standard chart patterns have a long his- 
tory of being reliable indicators on ev- 
erything from an individual stock to a 
stock market average, to commodities 
and bonds. In the Seventies Edson Gould 


coined the “three steps and a stumble 
rule”: When the Fed raises interest rates 
three times, one year later the market 
will be lower. If people had paid aten- 
tion as the Fed started raising interest 
rates in 2000, they would have saved all 
their money. That simple rule should 
guide most investors. Ninety-nine per- 
cent of the time, when the Fed is lower- 
ing interest rates, the stock market goes 
up. One hundred percent of the time 
when the Fed is raising rates, stocks go 
down. I am not recommending that 
people become market timers, but if 
investors see the climate changing ad- 
versely, get out once іп a while. Later 
you can buy the stocks back cheaper. In 


“Don't worry. Even during the busy holidays, guys find 
time to go out and get laid.” 


187 


PLAYBOY 


this latest bull market, marketers who 
wanted people to buy stocks said, “Wa: 
ren Buffett is a buy-and-hold investoi 
That's bullshit. Buffett is a buy-and- 
watch investor. He holds a stock for as 
long as it’s working. Buying a stock and 
sticking it in a drawer is suicide. 


13 


PLAYBOY: We've read reports of Al Qae- 
da's financial machinations. Does Osama 
bin Laden occasionally call his broker? 
INSANA: He's from a billion-dollar Saudi 
family. Al Qaeda has an investment arm. 
I believe that the markets can even dis- 
count events such as September 11 if 
someone like Osama bin Laden was ac- 
tively shorting airline stocks and rein- 
surance companies in the week leading 
up to the attack. There were vague sig- 
nals in the financial marketplace that 
somebody was doing something strange. 
There were allegations in several Euro- 
pean countries that reinsurance stocks, 
which might have held paper on poten- 
tial targets—maybe the Twin Towers— 
and domestic airlines stocks were being 
shorted. It would not be unheard of. 
There's plenty of evidence to prove that 
Saddam Hussein was long in oil futures 
before he invaded Kuwait. The oil mar- 
ket went up about 65 percent in the two 
months prior to the invasion of Kuwait— 
for almost no reason. Saddam Hussein, a 
mass murderer, probably would not be 
above insider trading. 


14 


PLavBoy; How many times do you think 
you'll cover the “biggest bankruptcy of 
all time”? 

INSANA: For the rest of my career. The 
first one for me was Continental Illinois 
Bank in 1984. It totally blew up and then 
was rescued. We'll see more and morc. 


15 


PLAYBOY: As a keen observer of chief ex- 
ecutives, and now that Jack Welch is no 


OFFICE CoucH 
WITH ME! 


longer head of General Electric—and 
your boss—would you assess his man- 
agement style? 

INSANA: I still love him. Jack was as in- 
volved in CNBC as he was in any other 
business he ran. I've never seen anybody 
command the details of all his businesses 
as well as Jack did. He would give you 
details about businesses at the operating 
level that you wouldn't think a CEO 
would know. The first time I met him, 
Jack started boring down to a level of de- 
'hat my own supervisors weren't cog- 
nizant of. And at that point CNBC was a 
gnat on an elephant. We were not gener- 
ating profits. Revenues were slim. Jack 
had a passion for broadcasting, which 
was fascinating. He liked the game. 


16 


PLAYBOY: Jack Welch relinquished a host 
of embarrassing retirement perks such 
as groceries and sports tickets when they 
became public through his divorce pro- 
ceedings. Other chief executives have 
received outrageous pay and benefits 
packages, some while they were heading 
underperforming companies. What were 
corporate directors thinking when they 
originally granted such perks? 

INSANA: In that environment, one could 
make money so easily that anyone with 
oversight responsibility simply looked 
the other way or never questioned right 
and wrong. There was a gravy train of 
historic size pulling everybody toward 
prosperity, and no one—no one—want- 
ed to rock the boat. The imperial CEO 
took the notion of greed to a new height. 
It was brought to us by the biggest stock 
market bubble in U.S. history. It was no 
more complex than that. 


17 


PLAYBOY: What obscure financial stati 
would you advise us to become aware of? 
INSANA: The yield curve. It’s the relation- 
ship between short- and long-term inter- 
est rates. The New York Federal Reserve 


did an exhaustive study about which sin- 
gle indicator is the best predictor of re- 
covery and of recession. It’s the yield 
curve. And during normal periods when 
bond market investors expect growth, 
short-term interest rates will be substan- 
tially below long-term rates, and there's 
a simple reason for that. If you're going 
to lend money to somebody for three 
months, you're not worried that infla- 
tion will erode the purchasing power of 
that loan. But if you're going to lend 
money to the government for 30 years, 
there is inflation sensitivity. If you think 
the economy over a 30-year period is go- 
ing to grow enough to generate an in- 
crease in inflation over 30 years, you will 
demand a higher interest rate to com- 
pensate you for that risk. When taken in 
concert with the stock market and the 
commodity markets, the yield curve can 
almost provide a definitive sense of 
where the economy is going to be nine to 
12 months down the road. With a steep 
yield curve, gently rising commodity 
prices and a rising stock market, you are 
ina recovery mode. Ifthe yield curve in- 
verts and short rates go above long-term 
interest rates, within nine to 12 months 
you'll be in a recession. We show it every 
once in a while. You can find it ona lot of 
Internet sites. 


18 


PLAYBOY: Don Imus often comes across as 
less than gracious when you're offering 
business analysis on his show. But late- 
ly we've detected a certain feistiness on 
your part. Would you ever dare mutter 
“moron” and slam the phone down on 
the I-Man? 

INSANA: I have become more cantanker- 
ous with him, owing to the state of the 
economy. I am infinitely less patient 
amid all the constant wealth destruction 
taking place, not just in my personal 
portfolio but with everyone else’s. Not 
much has changed between me and the 
1-Man. My goal is not to defeat Don. The 
challenge of my morning is to come up 


with something equally offensive. While 
I would never slam the phone down on 
him, I am looking for the opportunity to 
engage him in a celebrity boxing event 
on Fox. And if Imus is not up to the chal- 
lenge, I'd be happy to fight Lou Dobbs 
or Neil Cavuto. It's just the greatest sat- 
ire on radio. The first time 1 did Imus 
was quite by accident in 1997. There was 
a piece in the New York Post discussing а 
Westinghouse board meeting and some 
of the corporate governance changes 
they were making. And Imus said on the 
air, if 1 recall the quote correctly, “I need 
to figure this out. Get that fat little Lou 
Dobbs on the phone.” The producer at 
MSNBC, which runs a simulcast of the 
Imus show, called me and said, “Get on 
the telephone with Imus and talk about 
this.” And I did. 


19 


PLAYBOY: We understand you once per- 
formed a set in a comedy club. Did the 
audience's reaction confirm your career 
choice of financial journalism? 

insana: I'm sure the audience felt that. 
Actually, it was right in the middle of my 
career. I was a film major and almost ev- 
ery project I did was comedy, from The 
Vampire Strikes Back, which had Dracula 
coming out of retirement, to Edifice Rex, 
the story of a landlord with an apart- 
ment complex. Poorly done and unfun- 
ny. There was a show on ENN called The 
American Entrepreneur, and one night 
they were profiling the gentleman who 
owns the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. 
I'd been taking an improv class and I 
said, “Give me six minutes. I'm dying to 
try it.” So 1 got in the middle of all these 
veteran comics. I did a piece on ethnical- 
ly correct cars—the Matzoh RX7, which 
had yarmulke hubcaps and a menorah 
hood ornament and a speedometer that 
read right to lefi. And I had a bunch of 
Catholic school material I'd developed 
over time, including Sister Kevin. We re- 
ally had a Sister Kevin 


20 


PLAYBOY: Do you have a strategy for the 
day when the network deems Ron In- 
sana's personal demographics less desir- 
able to advertisers? 

INSANA: I am going to happily manage 
money. When the younger crop is push- 
ing me out the door, ГИ go gracefully. 
Johnny Carson is the TV model. I hope 
1 have 20 or so years between now and 
then. Гуе got plenty of ideas on the 
money management score. It’s three-di- 
mensional chess every time they sitdown 
to play. Are you smart enough to antici- 
pate all these variables and correctly po- 
sition your clients’ money in such a way 
that they're going to do fine no matter 
what? That's a pure game, and your per- 
formance is benchmarked immediately. 


Naughty CEOs 


(continued from page 142) 
regulations that their employees have to 
follow. It's much easier to get rich if you 
make up the rules.” 


Santa is hardly the only CEO who has 
been a conspicuous consumer of corpo- 
rate welfare. But, as Deep Elf explained, 
Santa has special worries this yuletide. 
The ostensibly cheerful season presents 
a number of reminders of scandals past 
and potential future embarrassments for 
the honcho of the frozen north. 

Would this season, for example, be as 
cruel to people as last year was, when, by 
some estimates, close to 800,000 U.S. 
workers were canned between Septem- 
ber 11, 2001 and January 1, 2002? Most 
of them lost their jobs between Thanks- 
giving and Christmas. 

“It used to be that all he had to worry 
about was PETA—and the funny thing 
is, he was clean. He only uses the rein- 
deer for ceremonial occasions, and they 
cat like he does. 

“Now there are reminders all over the 
place. Do you remember what you did 
last year in the week between Christmas 
and New Year's?” he asked me. 

1 did. It was a pleasantly restful time to 
pick at the lefiovers, play board games 
and wrap presents I wanted to recycle by 
passing them on to others. 

But some had a less relaxing postholi- 
day period. It was easy to recall that one 
of the more squalid and mysterious epi- 
sodes of the recent past in the land of cor- 


porate Capones took place immediately 
after Christmas last year when Sam Wak- 
sal, the CEO of ImClone, invited his en- 
tire family to a feast of illegal stock prof- 
its. Waksal was spending that time making 
a series of frantic attempts to dump Im- 
Clone stock before the FDA's ax fell on 
the golden goose that wasn't—the cancer 
drug Erbitux. His father made $8 г 
lion and his daughter $2.5 million—in 
what has been reported as insider trad- 
ing. This year, Dr. Sam is going to need a 
silver-plated snow shovel to dig out from 
under the pile of legal problems that 
have buried him and his family. 

Santa himself, Deep Elf said, was at his 
usual sandy getaway, a Caribbean spot 
where CEOs were thick as seashells. The 
story is that the feds have subpoenaed 
phone logs from the entire island to see 
if anyone else talked to Waksal last year. 

Martha Stewart wasn't there, but she 
(and her brokers) managed to sell plenty 
of her ImClone stock just before its value 
swooned. Exactly what happened is still 
disputed. 

“Santa said that what she really wants 
for Christmas this year is a paper trail 
that will get her off the hook,” Deep Elf 
said, snickering. 

“Synergy, that’s what Santa and Mar- 
tha had,” he continued. 1 agreed. For 
years, starting in the waning days of sum- 
mer, she's been on our case to start wind- 
ing the evergreen garlands around the 
staircase banister, renovate our wreath in- 
ventory and in general pick up more of 
her line of ersatz WASP housewares, 

This year, Martha has been busy dodg- 
ing scary-looking mail—definitely not 


“Finally, Miss Wall, I want to let you know that I have 
a very nice Christmas boner for you.” 


189 


PLAYBOY 


190 


Christmas cards—from the Justice De- 
partment and the House Committee on 
Energy and Commerce. These invita- 
tions, to explain her ImClone transac- 
tions, are difficult to turn down. 

“Santa was always yakking about her 
and some of his other big-time cronies, 
bragging about them—especially to Mrs. 
Claus. That could have been a mistake,” 
Deep Elf said. 

“Mrs. Claus?" I asked. “Does she know 
any secrets?" 

"She could put more than one of his 
pals away, let me tell you," Deep Elf said. 
“She can read. She reads the papers just 
like the rest of us. Before the perp walks, 
all she ever heard from Santa was how 
great they all were. 

"Santa kept telling her that they were 
all like him—type A personalities, achiev- 
ers. Once he said, ‘It’s hard to shop for 
them. What do you get for the man who 
has stolen everything?” 

s she a threat to Santa?” 1 pressed. 

“One of his mistakes was always telling 
Mrs. Claus to think outside the box. One 
day she did—and she asked him for 
a revised prenup. You know why? Two 
words: Jack Welch. She has been on the 
phone and e-mailing Welch's wife for 
hours at a time. Then Mrs. Claus got on 
the web and started reading about San- 
ta's great friend Dennis Kozlowski." 

I knew plenty about Kozlowski and 
wondered if Mrs. Claus had ever met the 
second Mrs. Kozlowski. Her name was 
Karen Mayo, and the Tyco CEO had met 
her when she was a waitress at a restau- 


rant near Tyco's Exeter, New Hampshire 
headquarters. For her 40th birthday Koz- 
lowski threw a party on Sardinia that al- 
legedly cost $1 million. “Two gladiators 
meet guests at the door,” an e-mail from 
the planning phase, now in the posses- 
sion of investigators, said. “We have a li- 
on or horse with a chariot for the shock 
value." The party also had an ice sculp- 
ture of Michelangelo's David “which 
sprayed vodka from its penis,” the New 
York Daily News reported. 

Kozlowski, under the influence of his 
trophy wife, developed an interest in 
what The New York Times archly called 
“second-tier work by big-name artists.” 
Deep Elf had not seen that story and was 
amused by it. 

“Santa was always talking about how 
Kozlowski’s tax philosophy was just like 
his,” Deep Elf said. "I heard him say, “If 
you give the money to the government, 
they'll probably go and spend it on some- 
thing stupid like a soldier's salary or a 
school lunch program." 

Kozlowski, it turned out, took the slo- 
gan for Bush's tax cut—"it's your mon- 
ey'—literally and did not render unto 
New York authorities the approximately 
$1 million in sales tax due on the pur- 
chase of some of the “second-tier” work. 

Kozlowski faced other charges as well 
and got out of jail on a $10 million bond 
posted by his forgiving first wife, a wom- 
an who seems to understand the true 
meaning of the holiday season. 

I asked Deep Elf why he wanted to talk. 

"Remember when Wal-Mart got into 


“Lyle, at midnight you're supposed to yell ‘Happy New Year—not 
“Gel the fuck off my wife.” 


that mess for allegedly making people 
work overtime and not paying them for 
the extra time?" Deep Elf asked with a 
mirthless laugh. "That's when I decided 
to spread the word about him—when he 
said Wal-Mart's mistake was to pay them 
anything at all. He said they should play 
by his rules," he replied. 


Did Deep Elf have any predictions? 
asked. 

"Santa is concerned, but basically he's 
optimistic. He knows the deck is still 
stacked, that the basic stuff is still intact 
and that big bucks will buy influence in 
Washington, maybe forever.” 

I fear he's right. Real reform is about 
as likely as a white Christmas in Panama. 

It's still a fat season for the CEO cul- 
ture. Despite the unpleasantness of the 
past 12 months, the CEOs are going to 
have a better Christmas than the rest of 
us—yet again. 

Sure, there haye been headlines, ar- 
rests and pious blather from Washing- 
ton. But there are plenty more CEOs out 
there practicing variations on the schemes 
that have produced big scandal head- 
lines, and it will stay that way. 

Rest assured someone will figure out 
more devious ways to evade last year's re- 
strictions on soft-money donations to pol- 
iticians and preserve big business’ ability 
to buy influence inside the Beltway. 

So as Santa ho-ho-hos his way across 
the rooftops of Beverly Hills, Green- 
wich, Aspen and Palm Beach, let's raise a 
flute of Cristal to the old devil. And the 
Ghost of Christmas Present, attended by 
the ghastly children Ignorance and Want, 
will be stuck scratching at the window, 
where he can be safely ignored. 


But wait, I told myself. What was I do- 
ing? Here I was talking to someone who 
claimed to be an elf from the North Pole. 
Could I ask anyone to believe me? 

"Then I remembered what President 
Bush said when he promised the coun- 
try he would do everything in his power 
to attack the sort of corruption that had 
been in the headlines—and to reform 
the way of doing business that he and his 
own CEO cronies had always enjoyed. 

“I believe,” he said, that “people have 
taken a step back and asked, What's im- 
portant in life?’ You know, the bottom 
line and this corporate America stuff—is 
that important? Or is serving your neigh- 
bor, loving your neighbor like you'd like 
to be loved yourself?” That statement 
was supposed to bolster Bush's credi- 
bility about reform. Who is bullshitting 
whom here? 

‘As far as I'm concerned, if you believe 
that Bush will try to make corporate life 
more honest, you probably believe in 
talking elves, too. 


PLAY MATE SNEWS 


Steph returns from the dead as a 
ghost! Mitch resurfaces afier being 
blown to bits! A supermodel nearly 
drowns! There are tons 
of jiggle! It's just an- 
other day at the beach 
in Baywatch: Hawaiian 
Wedding, the TV movie 
in which 16 cast mem- 
bers—including Pamela 
Anderson and Brande 
Roderick—reunite. We 
snagged an early report 
from the set. After nu- 
merous delays attribut- 
ed to the $500,000 salary 
required by Pam (argu- 
ably the movie's star 
and biggest draw), pro- 
duction is heating up 
on Hawaii's north shore. 
Joining Pam in the mov- 
ie, airing on Fox during 
the February sweeps, is 
a boatload of former 
lifeguards, including 
Centerfold Elke Jeinsen, 
who has a pivotal role in 
one of the film's action 
scenes. "I play a super- 
model who is dressed 
as a pirate," Elke says. "I 
get hit by a big wave and 
thrown into the water. 
My boots fill up and Ial- 
most die. But David Has- 
selhoff saves my life." What a guy. 
Producer Doug Schwartz cast Elke 
because she's a certified diver. "Elke's 
the only Playmate we're bringing in 


from Los Angeles, because of her pro- 
ficiency in the water,” he says. “It was 
an adequate blast,” says Brande. “I 
was honored to be there because they 
picked only 14 out of the 68 orig- 
inal cast members. 
Working with Pamela 
was great. She's ador- 
able and so funny, Da- 
vid Hasselhoff is a to- 
tal jokester—he's like 
a big kid." Also splash- 
ing around on film: 
former Baywatch play- 
ers Yasmine Bleeth, 
Gena Lee Nolin, Alex- 
andra Paul, Carmen 
Electra, Nicole Eg- 
gert, Stacy Kamano 
and Angelica Bridges. 
Smart money says 
the gals—cavorting 
about in their signa- 
ture red and yellow 


W's not easy being a Boy 
watch lifeguord—you have 
to know CPR, sprint dawn 
the beach, wear sunscreen 
with а serious SPF and lack 
cellulite-free in the trode- 
mark swimsuits. Center- 
folds wha hove fit the bill, 
clockwise fram upper left 
Pamela Anderson, Morliece 
Andrada, Erika Eleniak, 
Brande Roderick, Elke Jein- 
sen ond Donna D'Errico. 


swimsuits—will resonate with audi- 
ences in the more than 140 countries 
airing the flick. Does anyone get 
lei'd? You'll have to wait and see. 


PLAYBOY TAKES JAPAN 


35 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH 


"People seem to think that I'm 
a dumb blonde, but I'm smarter 
than most of the people who talk 
down to me," Con- 
nie Kreski said on. 
her January 1968 
Data Sheet. “I want 
to get out into the 
world and see and 
do everything I pos- 
sibly can.” Her de- 
sire to travel was 
fulfilled when, en- 
tranced by both her 
brains and beauty, 
we named her our 
1969 Playmate of 
the Year. Later, she 
worked as a stylist 
оп several shoots, in- Connie 
cluding Cathy Lar- Кези, 
mouth's Playmate pictorial. Con- 
nie passed away at her Beverly 
Hills home in 1995. 


¡ALLAN MEIERS: 

It's hard to date. Since being in 
PLAYBOY, it's hard far me to know 
people's intentions. I've met peo- 
ple who don't care what's inside. 
I'm more. like o trophy." 


JAMI FERRELL: 

“My fovorite body part is my hoir. 
Му leost favorite is my chest. 1 do 
nat like my chest.” 


With o circulation of 100,000, Playboy Ja 
led in July 1975—is one af that country's mos! successful publica- 
tions, We sent Coro Wakelin and Christi Shake lo Takya to shoot a feature lor Ihe 


pan— 


magazine. Loter, they returned ta da a promotianol tour sponsored by Toyoto 
Left to right: Cora oni ti sampling the local cuisine. Touring Tokyo. Christi 
during the shoot. Yep, reol—Miss Shake shakes her lattoo 


T love Heather Kozar. 
We broadcast a 
Howard Stern 
show from the 
Playboy Mansion, 
and 1 had a few 
drinks with her. 
I thought, like 
everyone else 
in the world, 
She could 
have been 
mine. Of 
course, she 
couldn't have 
been. She is 
absolutely 
gorgeous. 


w | 
Р 


EN 


тү N 
1 b 


With two kids, a crazy ex and now 
my disease, its going to take a re- 
al man to fall for me. After all, I am 
the poison pin-up.” 


tors bust out their favorite lubes, li 
gerie, books, games, vibrators and vi 
eos. Tutorials are given and then the 
products are sold. “The 

parties often turn into 

sex education experi- 

ences,” Marlene says. | 
“We have 600 distrib- => 
utors nationwide and 

a couple international 
distributors who con- j 
duct four or five par- 

ties a month. The most 
fun part is educating all those con- 
senting adults." 


MARLENE'S TEMPTATION 


Remember when your mom would 
throw Tupperware parties? Playmate 
Marlene Janssen has given that con- 
cept a kinky twist. In an effort to im- 
prove the sex lives of people around 
the world, she has created Tempta- 
tions Parties sponsored by Adam and 
Eve, a popular adult catalog compa- 
ny. During the sexy soirees, distribu- 


suade them to look post the beauty.” 
192 


А blue-clad barrage of Playmates showed up to cheer 
Summer Altice at the premiere party for her Showtime se- 
ries, Chromiumblue.com. "Looks certainly open doors in this 
town,” soys Summer, who plays a saucy limousine driver on 
the series. “But once you're in the door, you have to per- 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 
January 7: Miss October 1963 
Christine Williams 
January 8: Miss July 1976 
Deborah Borkman 


January 8: Miss June 1983 
Jolanda Egger 

January 28: Miss January 1987 
Luann Lee 


January 30: Miss February 1986 
Julie McCullough 


Layla Roberts got to hobnob 
with Mick Jagger at Cabaret, a 
club in Parts. “That was a treat,” 
she says. . . . Christina Santiago 
(shown below) made sev- 

A eral dudes' days when 
she visited the Hines Vet- 

erans Administration 
Hospital in Illinois. . . . 
^. Gloria Walker popped 
us an e-mail to say she is 
65 years old and has been mar- 
ried for 45 years. 
"I'm having awon- 
derful time. I'm 
very active," she 
reports. . . . Jaime 
Bergman is busy 
filming the mov- 
ie Dark Wolf. . . . 
Anka Romensky is 
putting together a 
demo. “I love to 
sing and want to 
give it a try,” she 
says... . Shauna EET 
Send has her ow Сайа 
line of women's 9909 deed. 
shoes, available ar shaunasand. 
com. . .. Congratulations to Lau- 
ra Cover, who recently married 
Cincinnati Reds third baseman 
Aaron Boone. . . . Yep, that is Ni- 
cole Narain in L.L. Cool J's Luv 
U Better video. .. . 


Alexandria Karlsen’s 2003 cal- 
endar (pictured above) is avail- 
able at lexie.tv. Her first book, 
The Divorced Guy's Guide to Dating: 
How to Meet More Women, will 
be published soon. . . . Dalene 
Kurtis hosts the TNN auto show 
The Fast and the Furious. . . . Pam- 
ela Anderson won Best Guilty 
Pleasure in the AOL TV Viewer 
Awards. . . . Lisa Dergan reports 
game highlights on Fox’ The NFL 
Show. . . . Playmates added scads 
of T and A to New York's Fashion 
Week. Summer Altice modeled 
in Anand Jon's show, while Teri 
Harrison sashayed topless—us- 
ing lollipops to cover her breasts— 
in Alice and Olivia's show. 


NETWORK NEWS 


(continued from page 102) 
News are places where you keep your 
mouth shut and do what you are told. 
Since that is impossible for me, I washed 
out quickly. But I watched other fine re- 
porters die slow deaths over the years. 
Few employces have power at the net- 
works and a drive-by vendetta can cut a 
correspondent down at any time, espe- 
cially one with anchor potential. 

Miraculously, ABC News’ Roone Ar- 
ledge hired me five years after CBS cre- 
mated me. Arledge was a creative guy, 
and Peter Jennings actually liked my 
style. I did well at ABC News but the 
harness was too tight. I took an anchor 
job at Inside Edition three years later and 
haven't looked back since. 

Here's what I learned from my time at 
network news: First, the news divisions 
are loath to tee off the powerful because 
they want access. They want to be able to 
get that presidential interview once a 
year. Therefore, none of the networks 
did much investigative reporting dur- 
ing the Clinton years, when all kinds of 
things were going on. When was the last 
time you saw a network news program 
break a big story? They will never admit 
it, but the networks leave the exposés to 
the print journalists. Cronkite simply 
read The Washington Post about the Wa- 
tergate goings-on. Rather, Jennings and 
Brokaw followed the Clinton scandals 
through The New York Times and corre- 
spondent Jeff Gerth 

Second, the people who really run net- 
work news are moneymen. Profit guys. 
News is a major pain in the butt to most 
of them because news is expensive and 
the elderly audience means lower adver- 
tising rates. Also, controversy is almost 
forbidden on the nightly news. That's 
why you don't see commentary. The phi- 
losophy is don't rock the corporate boat, 
don't get anybody mad at you. 

Here's an eyewitness report. In 1981 
Ibroughta story to Howard Stringer, who 
was then the producer of the CBS Eve- 
ning News With Dan Rather. 1 told String- 
er that there was a battle going on in Prov- 
incctown, Massachusetts between the gay 
weekend adventurers and the conser- 
vative townsfolk. Stringer, now the top 
man at Sony in the U.S., told me to go do 
the story. 

Using a hidden camera, my crew re- 
corded all kinds of public sex in the 
streets of Provincetown. The mayor was 
outraged and told us so in no uncertain 
terms. The gays replied that a few exhi- 
bitionists shouldn't spoil the party for 
everyone else. This was before the AIDS 
plague. With the footage and interviews 
we got, it was a hell of a story. 

It never ran. 

When Rather and the boys screened 
the report there was total silence. We 
had blacked out any explicit stuff but 
this was a tough piece. I thought I'd bea 


hero. Instead, I got blank stares. 

To his credit, Stringer finally told me it 
was a good piece of journalism but it 
wasn't right for the Rather newscast. He 
never said why but it was obvious. That 
story was way too in-your-face—pardon 
the pun. People would be offended, the 
gay lobby might complain. 

Over the years the timidity of the net- 
work news operations hasn't changed 
much, but television news has. Now you 
have the 24-hour cable operations that 
are bold, daring and, at times, light- 
years ahead of the networks in reporting 
stories that engage Americans. 

My show broke the September 11 char- 
ity story that revealed billions of donat- 
ed dollars were being held up by bureau- 
cratic bungling at the Red Cross and 
the United Way. The networks wouldn't 
touch it. 

Fox News Channel also got hold of tax 


returns for one of Jesse Jackson's organi- 
zations that showed millions in expenses 
that were not properly itemized. No net- 
work reporter would go near the story. 
Our competitors at CNN were the first 
to get home-video footage of the World 
Irade Center attack, which was then 
shown on all networks. I could give you 
scores of other examples, but I think you 
get the picture. 

CBS News correspondent Edward R. 
Murrow went on a crusade to expose 
corruption and challenge Americans by 
using TV news as a cannon, firing dis- 
turbing images at viewers with the hope 
that society would turn on the bad guys. 

Murrow's name is still invoked in net- 
work circles, but I know this: If old Ed is 
reincarnated and returns to his former 
profession, the networks will pass on 
him. He'll be working cable news. 


“Martha, meet Vickie, my New Year's resolution.” 


193 


"s 


DIZI . شر‎ 
These wide-eyed innocents from down the block get the audition 
of a lifetime and a chance to win a starring role on Playboy TV. 
New episode premieres December 6 at 7 pm ET/10 pm PT. ssl en 
jour local cable television 
Go to playboytv.com for additional air times. operator or home satellite 
On ly on P. layi boy TV I provider in the U.S. and Canada. 


PLAYBOY TV c20 Paytoy Entetninment Grp he Мінгені 


the 


scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


acing a scooter through congested city traffic could qualify 
as an extreme sport, but once you get the hang of cutting 
around cabs and double-parked cars you'll shave a good 
chunk of time off your daily commute. The latest scooters 
start with the push of a button, park on a sidewalk and require just 
a sip of gas, making them the most pragmatic of motor vehicles. 
While they aren't designed for use on frozen streets, you may want 
to order one before the spring thaw starts. Piaggio, the parent com- 
pany of Vespa, recently introduced a line of scooters in the U.S. 
The Piaggio LT 150cc has a four-stroke, 12-horsepower engine 
that gets 45 miles to the gallon. An antitheft system immobilizes 


Right: Aprilia's Scarabeo 


ing down cobblestone 
streets. The two-person 
saddle will seat both of 
you comfortably, and a 
large rear case is capable 
of storing two full-face 
helmets (about $4200). 
RICHARD IZUI 


Above: The Torpedo 125cc 4t scooter by Italjet includes passenger 
footpegs and a rear grab rail for the rider in back. Stash your helmet їп 
the storage space under the seat. (Price: about $3800.) Right: Piaggio 
originally sold the LT 150cc in Europe under the name Liberty but re- 
cently introduced it to the U.S. The four-stroke engine is fuel-efficient 
and extremely quiet. Chrome-plated sidebars and springs, a large seat 
and an electronic antitheft immobilizer are standard ($3400). 


it in case some dirtbag tosses it into the back of his truck. Aprilia 
designed the Scarabeo 150 after Sixties’ motorcycles. The aesthet- 
ic extends from its 16-inch wheels to its optional color-coordinat- 
ed hard side bags. The Scarabeo is highway-legal and rides two 
comfortably, but it’s better suited for short-range travel, not Easy 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 10%. 


RETURN OF THE SCOOTER 


Rider road trips. Slam into a curb, pothole or other urban hazard 
and you could be sent to the pavement for a bad case of road rash 
To smooth your ride, Italjet's Torpedo 125cc 4t is equipped with a 
telescopic front suspension and a hydraulic shock absorber with an 
adjustable spring in the rear. It fires up with a kick-start or electron- 
ic ignition. The four-stroke Piaggio engine will get you to 65 mph. 
If you prefer a classic scooter style, there's Genuine Scooter Co.'s 
Stella, The engine is a 150cc two-stroke with traditional gears that 
you shift with your left hand. It has been outfitted with a catalytic 


Left: Genuine builds scooters 
for riders who want a retro 
model but don’t want to pay 
collector's prices. The Stella 
is all steel with manual shift. 
At $2700, it costs less than a 
vintage Vespa P-series. Ou! 
yours with chrome accessories. 


converter to meet U.S. federal emissions standards. Genuine offers 
a full range of chrome accessories to trick out the solid-steel body, 
including mirrors, decorative trim, racks and other items. Don't 
see yourself on silver? Crazy colors abound for all the scooters, in- 


cluding ice mint and tangerine. IASON DUHRMESTER 


95 


Mountain 
Mamas’ 
High 
Harmony 
EMMYLOU HARRIS, 
PATTY LOVELESS 
and ALISON 
KRAUSS (left to 
right) toured on 
Down From the 
Mountain, with 
Ralph Stanley. 
Bluegrass aficiona- 
dos in 60 cities got 
the message. 


/7 
/ 


Kim Covers a Lil” 


LIU KIM, photographed by David LaChapelle, is among the 
artists celebrated in Hip Hop Immortals. Kim covers her 
basics—on film and on her recent solo CI 


body.com's Wild, 
Wet T-Shirt. 


That J. Lo 
Glow 

Less is more in 
Grapevine. On-screen, 
more is not enough. 
Look for JENNIFER 
1OPEZ in Jersey Girl 
and Gigli next year, 
both with Ben Affleck, 


That Face, 
That Lace 


The third time should 
be a charm: You have 
probably seen the love- 
ly REBECCA NEWELL in 
PLAYBOY's Girls of the 
Pac 10 and in our 2000 
College Girls Special 
Edition. 


Jack Gets Woody 


What does this odd couple have to talk about? WOODY HARRELSON plays a trans- 


vestite hooker in Anger Management, with JACK NICHOLSON and Adam Sandler. 
Woody tries to get in touch with his feminine е. We wish him luck. 


Lounge Act 
Resting up: BRITTNEY MULLINS 
was a Hooters 2001 calendar gig 
and a Hawaiian Tropic swims 

competitor. She deserves aj 


24, 


2 


197 


Motpourri 


LET'S GET LIT 


Push a button at the bottom of the glasses pic- 
tured above (wine, martini, champagne and 
margarita) and the stems begin to blink. Hit the 
button again and the glasses glow steadily. Is 
cocktail hour fun or what? Green, blue, pink 
and yellow are the colors that are offered in 
all four shapes. The price: $8 each, from Kal 
Kreations at 800-287-9642. Cheers, suds loy- 
ers. A chug-a-light beer mug is available, too. 
Three replaceable button-cell batteries 

power each of the glasses. 


BABY DRIVER 


In last month's Christmas Gift Guide we featured 
a refurbished Fiat 500, the pint-size car that 

Italians affectionately call the Cinquecento. For 
а car, it's dirt cheap—$9995. If that's still too 

much for your postholiday budget, buy thi 
17°x 11” print created by artist Glenn Re 
a signed and numbered limited edition. Р 
$20, from reidstudio.com. Prints of Italian 


188 motor scooters are also available. 


PUTTIN’ ON 
THE GLITZ 


For the holidays, 
Bright Ideas has 
created a gift set 
for two that in- 
cludes a feather- 
trimmed satin 
bra-and-panty 
set, a simulated- 
pearl necklace, 
honey-scented 
dusting powder 
with a feather ap- 
plicator, vanilla 
love oil, a top- 
hat ice bucket 
(you provide the 
champagne), can- 
dles, mood music 
featuring LeAnn 
Rimes, Celine Di- 
on and others 
and—for you—a 
satin tuxedo-style 
crotch pouch (with 
tails, no less). You 
animal, you. The 
price: $104, from 
888-588-4332. 


CAPPUCCINO IS IN THE AIR—IT MUST BE JANUARY 


If you think scented candles are for sissies, get a whiff of this. 
Snoop Dogg. Dennis Franz and Tim Allen all subscribe to Cedar- 
burg Seasonal Scents’ Candle of the Month Club. Each paraffin 
wax selection is presented in a 14-ounce glass jar and burns for 
60 to 70 hours. December's scent is Christmas Memories. May is 
Lilac. July is Ocean. October? Hot Mulled Cider, of course. A 
year's subscription is $200, six months is $105 and a single сап- 
dle costs $19. Go to cedarburgcandle.com to order. 


“SHE REMOVED” WHAT? 


The next time you nod 
off in your smoking jack- 
et while reading Tropic 
Cancer, Lady Chatlerley's 
Lover or The Story of 
O, mark where you 
stopped with one of 
Seduced by Design's 
sterling silver erotic 
bookmarks (left). 
Both were de- 
signed to appeal 
to connoisseurs 


ys 


We'll study that further. Price: $24.95 each, from 352-376-5414. 
Male-inspired bookmarks are in the works. 


MIGHTY EXTREME COOKING 


Let's say you want to make a tuna casse- 
role and also need to know the right way 
to fall off a roof. There's only one book 
for you—X-treme Cuisine, a collection of 
recipes and stunt tips from 50 extreme 
sports athletes. Robert Earl, who has pro- 
duced extreme sports TV shows, compiled 
the recipes in “an adrenaline-charged 
cookbook for the young at heart.” Price: 
$24.95. Harper Collins is the publisher. 


SORRY, BARBIE, KEN IS BUSY 


We know we're not too old to play with 
dolls. Plastic Fantasy's Adult Superstars 
Series 1 includes 74” figures of Houston 
(below), Jenna Jameson, Kylie Ireland 
and other porn legends. Each features 
posable arms and head, plus removable 
clothing. Price: $19.95 apiece, from plas 
ticfantasy.com and adult novelty stores. 


ANOTHER REASON TO MOVE TO STOCKHOLM 


‘The Koenigsegg CC 8S (above) is a two-seat midengine supercar 
with gullwing doors and a top speed of 242 mph. Unfortunately, 
importing is complicated and the price is more kronor than our 
calculator can convert. It’s just one of about 130 cars that are 
showcased in The Car Design Yearbook 1, “the definitive guide 

to new concept and production cars worldwide,” by Stephen 
Newbury. If you think the Koenigsegg CC 8S is а babe magnet, 
check out the Venturi Fetish or the Irmscher Inspiro. The 

book costs $39.95. Merrell is the publisher. 


LUCKY DUCKY 


You played with a rubber 
ducky years ago, and 
your girlfriend probably 
did too. Now tub time is 
even more exciting be- 
cause your little yellow 
pal isn't so innocent any- 
more, Squeeze the body 
of I Rub My Duckie 

and its strong but quiet 
battery-powered motor 
turns the waterproof 
quacker into a vibrating 
body massager. Price: 
$26, from goodvibes.com 
or 800-bUY-VIBE. A black 
rubber ducky will be 
available soon. 


ати 


BNext Month 


SEX ADVICE: "DON'T PINCH TOO HARD" CYBER GIMS