Skip to main content

Full text of "PLAYBOY"

See other formats 


SOY 


JIMMY Î rne Bad and 
HII |] ME ч. d) eautiful 
E BERN > 
MAC A 
More ISEASTU 000 
inne Ve Deut ghter 
JACKASS Makes 
АПШ ЕЕ NA e xpi ied 
Рату 2 É | EMMITT 
| SMITH 
- E GIRLS E | is One 


in на ш РУ! } SBS 
СОУСОМ 


Has The 
FBI ү 
come Wy $ Ses 
Ungluedr» œ> 


What vou 
can Learn 
y About 
Sex 
From 
College 
Girls 


0 '"70989'35270 


AWARD-WENNING DO 


== THE ICEMAN AND THE PSYCHIATRIST | THE SMASHING MACHINE 


JUDGMENT DAY: SHOULD THE GUILTY 60 FREE | CANNIBAL: THE REAL 


Subscribe online at HBO.com AOL Keyword; HBO 


ТЫ ME N-T-X R-Y SERIES 


TAXICAB CONFESSIONS 2008: GIRLS LIKE IT HOT | ANIMAL PASSIONS 


HANNIBAL LECTERS | AUTOPSY 0 | MEBEST SEX: 12 VENAS OF REAL SE 


000 на Offen; a Division of Tima WamezEnlerlänment Company, LA rg t 


Bese A ES МОР ЧО. HES" 


Don't all champions 
wear gold around 
their necks? 


Y 


Cam 
Ай ye 


"Best Blended Scotch” 
SAN FRANCISCO WORLD SPIRITS COMPETITION 2001 


Blended Scotch Whisky 
DOUBLE GOLD DEWARS 12 YEAR OLO 

йв JOHNNE WALKER" GOLO LABEL 
SIVER JOHNNE WALKER? BLUE LABEL“ 
SIVER JOHNNIE WALKER? BLACK LABEL: 


SILVER CHIVAS REGAL 


£ 
Dewar's 


Finest SCOTCH Whisky 


Savor Every Detail. 


Miaybill 


THE FIRST TIME is not necessarily the best. This is true of sex, 
beer and, it turns out, Jimmy Kimmel's appearances in our mag- 
ne. This month, on the eve of his late-night show's debut 
on ABC, Kimmel follows up his previous PLAYBOY walk-ons 
with a center stage triumph as the subject of a Playboy Interview 
by Contributing Editor Kevin Cook. If Kimmel nywhere 
near as funny on TV as he is here, his show is going to be a 


blowout—a view endorsed by the guy who got to ask the ques- 
tions. “He picked an Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills," says de 
‹ 


ok of his evening with Kimmel. “He pulled up on time and 


alone in a blue Benz. We ate fish and profiteroles and spl 

bottle of wine, and 1 found him both funnier and more ser 
GUTIERREZ - E SIMIGIS 
e ЖЖ 


= 


ous than I'd expected. He griped about his sex life and talked 
openly for the first time about his separation from Gina, his 
wife of 14 years. I suspect that like most comics he is a lonely, 
twisted soul who craves the approval of millions of strangers. 
I could be wrong, but I doubt it, because that would be bor- 
ing—and boring is one thing he isn't." 

Cook knows. He is equally adept with sports reporting and 
humor—a thinking man's John Kruk. As proof we ofler up 
Catch ‘22; Cook's other Q. and A. this month with the NFEs 
all-time leading rusher, Emmitt Smith. (It’s illustrated by Randy 
Gutierrez.) Cook and David Rensin are among PLAYBOY'S all-time 
leaders. Big Bernie Mac, star of his own TV show, sat for 
a 20Q with Rensin, and the result reaffirms Mac as a King of 
Comedy. “Women love dick,” Mac says. And once a woman i 
pleased, “she starts walking with the mattress on her back.” 
Then all she needs is a comforter. 

The FBI is turning into the gang that couldn't shoot straight. 
We didn't need preliminary reports from a congressional in- GUARNACCIA 
quiry to tell us there were intelligence lapses prior to Septem- 
ber 11. And we weren't surprised to hear a recent 60 Minutes 
report that an FBI whistle-blower had been ostracized. But 
when we learned, afier some digging, that legions of flattops 
and shiny shoes were being redirected to the impossible task 
of preventing the next terrorist attack—before it happens!— 
we feared the worst. As agents prepare to shadowbox Al Qae- 
da, mobsters and criminals have ambitious plans to expand. 
G-Men in Crisis by Jeffrey Robinson is a white paper on what's 
about to go wrong. Read it, then close your eyes and duck. 

Meghan Bainum represents a new type of college report- 
er—the campus sex advisor. Refreshingly frank and prone to 
weigh in on such subjects as blow jobs, undergraduate women 
fill column inches at Yale and Berkeley with how-tos and hal- 
lelujahs. The story Coed Sex Advice is by Playboy.com's Antoni 
Simigis. Then it's back through the licking glass for Why You 
Can't Get Tickets by our Advisor, Chip Rowe. Usually Rowe writes 
about getting whipped, stroked or fucked. Now he's getting 
scalped. The artwork is by Steven Guarnaccia. 

Fate and fantasy meet in our short story this month. Won't Get SHEPARD. 
Fooled Again by Jim Shepard (the terrific illustration comes from 
Edmund Guy) is a wild imaginary romp told from the perspec- 
tive of the late Who bassist John Entwistle. About a month af- 
ter we purchased the piece, Entwistle died, and what had been 
worthy, fun fiction became something more real than the truth. 

I's Febru; y and the biggest holiday is geared 
toward chic! sue is a treat just for you. We have 
cameras, runway fashion, a cool boat and a lineup of lotions 
and potions. However, the best feature this month—one that 
will have you flapping your lips—is a pictorial of Hollywood 
princess Alison Eastwood. (Stephen Wayda took the photos.) Dad 
Clint may be unforgiven, but Alison can do no wrong. 


WAYDA ROBINSON 


Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), February 2003, volume 50, number 2. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional edit 
North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing offices. Canada Post Cana- 
dian Publications Mail Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Postmaster; Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circionyplayboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 3 


Finally. 
Pouches 


done right. 


3X bigger than the leading pouch and packed with 
moist, premium tobacco. So you can bet they're 
bold and built to satisfy. 


Introducing Copenhagen” 
and Skoal^ Pouches. 


LOREM 
7 Call 1-866-try-póuches for a valuable offer.* 
N OFFER NOT AVAILABLE TO MINORS. 
Offer Expires April 30, 2003. 
Void in Nebraska and where prohibited by law or regulation. 
‘WTrademark of U.S. Smokeless Tobacco Co. or an affiliate. ©2902 U.S. Smokeless Tobacco Co. 


——— _ — А 


US. Smokeless 
TOBACCO-CO. 


m. 


"nr 


TTTTTÜ rv yvy Y1:7 7. 0] 


THE EASIER WAY TO FIND — "7: 
THE BEST HOTEL DEALS. 


www.orbitz.com 


Finding great rates on hotels is quick and easy on Orbitz. 
Save up to 75% on hotels across the U.S. and throughout 
the world, including special deals you won't find anywhere 
else. Orbitz lets you search by name, location and quality 


(1 to 5 star rating.) So book today and stay tomorrow, heck, _—_— 


at these rates you can stay as long as you like. @ ECT») 
Orbitz Saver PR 1:11 7 2 


o шыша Travel made easy. 


contents continued 


0, no. 2—february 2003 


pictorials 


68 


CYBER GIRLS 

We post 52 a year on our website. 
Imagine the competition. Now 
check out the winners. 


PLAYMATE: CHARIS BOYLE 
This Virginia naltue loves a jolt 
of excitement. 


ALISON EASTWOOD 
Ride, she said, and we pulled off 
our boots. 


notes and news 


HANGIN’ WITH HEF 
Jake Gyllenhaal and Colin Farrell 
rally at Hef's house 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
The truth about false confessions, 
creationism update, filthy films 
get fixed. 

PLAYMATE NEWS 


Robert Forster's favorite Playmate, 
Lisa Dergan on Fox’ NFL Show. 


departments 


PLAYBILL 
DEAR PLAYBOY 
AFTER HOURS 


WIRED, LIVING ONLINE, 
GAMES 


PLAYBOY TV 
PLAYBOY.COM 

MEN 

MANTRACK 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 


102 
148 
155 
156 
158 


PARTY JOKES 

WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
ON THE SCENE 
GRAPEVINE 

POTPOURRI 


lifestyle 


78 


116 


STAND BACK! I DON'T 
KNOW HOW BIG THIS 
THING IS GONNA GET! 

We zoom in on the newest crop 

of long digital lenses. 

SCENTS THAT SCORE 

The latest men's fragrances ave the. 
next best thing to aphrodisiacs 


FRONT ROW FASHION 
Catch a glimpse of the latest cat- 
walk trends set to pave the streets. 
BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


reviews 


27 


35 


MOVIES 
Christina Ricci pops Prozac, Bruce 
Willis goes Special Ops, Kyra 
Sedgwick steals the scene. 

VIDEO 

Great war films, hit (and randy) 
Britcon on DVD. 


MUSIC 

Billy Joe Shaver, We Ragazzi, Yeah 
Yeah Yeahs. 

BOOKS 

Seven-inch culture, On Blondes 
and a history of Motown. 


PRINTED IN U.S.A 


features 


64 


104 


107 


G-MEN IN CRISIS 

After September 11 the FBI gota new mandate: Hunt down terrorists. Trouble is, 
the storied feds can't both root out Al Qaeda and catch the homegrown killers, car 
thieves and goombas. Guess who's rejoicing. BY JEFFREY ROBINSON 


COED SEX ADVICE 

The sauciest read at college isn’ Tropic of Cancer or Lady Chatterley's Lover. It’s 
the advice columns in school newspapers, written by young women who love to ad- 
vise on nipple clamps, threesomes and raunch. BY ANTONIA SIMIGIS 


WHY YOU CAN'T GET TICKETS 
If you're nol a VIP and want seats at hol concerts and big-time sports events, it's all 
about beating the scalper mafia. BY CHIP ROWE 


CATCH “22 

Emmilt Smith is the most prolific runner in the history of pro football. He also has 
lots to say about great sex with his wife, dealing wilh pain and the business sense 
that could make him an NFL owner. BY KEVIN COOK 


WANT A WOODY? 
The Alpha Z 33 is a 100-mile-an-hour mahogany powerboat. 
BY CHARLES PLUEDDEMAN 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: TINA JORDAN 


Tina likes to play coy, but she's game—in bathrooms, elevators and bars. 


20Q BERNIE MAC 

One of the original Kings of Comedy, Mac has his oum Fox TV show now—and a 
movie role as President Chris Rock's veep. He talks about throwing the dick, getting 
ripped off by his oum dad and the joy of a manicure. BY DAVID RENSIN 


fiction 


74 


WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN 

Imagine being drunk for weeks on end, wolfing down every pill you can get your 
hands on—and playing the loudest, most anarchic rock-and-roll shows ever. Now 
imagine you're John Entwistle, the Who's bottom-end ox. BY JIM SHEPARD 


interview 


JIMMY KIMMEL 
The former Man Show host is about to flip late-night TV the bird. Lucky you. Here 
nobody censors his hilarious shtick about spanking it, getting laid in parking lots 


and smearing Adam Carolla with—well, you know. BY KEVIN COOK 


vol. 50, no. 2—february 2003 


> 


cover story 
Alison Eostwood is a mognum force to be reck- 
oned with. Сіп doughter hos mode the jump 
from modeling to octing—ond she even hos 
her own ronch-inspired clothing line. For Con- 
tributing Photographer Arny Freytog, Alison 
sends her wordrobe high-ploins drifting. Our 


Robbit weors his heor! on her sleeve. 


BY DAY OR BY NIGHT, DRINK RESPONSIBLY. 
Jacardi.com 


PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


ARTHUR KRETC! 
JAMES KAMINSKY Ihe new guy 
JONATHAN BLACK managing editor 
TOM STAEBLER ari director 
GARY COLE photography director 


MER editorial director 


PLAYBOY 


JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 
KEVIN BUCKLEY, STEPHEN RANDALL executive editors 
LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing cditor 


EDITORIAL 
FORUM: JAMES в. PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHP ROWE associate editor; PATTY LAMBERT 


editorial 


assistant; MODERN LIVING: DAVID STEVENS editor; JASON BUHRMESTER associate edilor; DAN HENLEY 
administrative assistant; STAFF: CHRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO senior editor; BARBARA NELLIS, ALISON 
pRatoassociate editors; ROBERT в. DESALNO assistant editor; TIMOTHY MOHR junior editor; LANDA 
FEIDELSON. HELEN FRANGOULIS. HEATHER HAEBE, CAROL KUBALEK, MALINA LEE, HARRIET PEASE OLGA 
STAVROVOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE URRY edilor; JENNIFER THIELE assistant; 
COPY: BRETT HUSTON associate editor; ANAHEED ALANI. ANNE SHERNAN assistant editors; REMA 
SMITH Senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN researchers; MARK DURAN 
research librarian; TIM GALVIN, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN proojreade?s; BRYAN BRAUER, BRADLEY LINCOLN 
assistants; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: Asa BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS (FASHION), JOE DOLCE, 
GRETCHEN EDGREN, LAWRENCE GROBEL, KEN CROSS, WARREN KALBACKER, JOE MORGENSTERN, 


DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFF 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN. CHET SUSKI LEN WILLIS senior art directors; ROM WILSON associnle 
art director; PAUL. CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art 
services coordinator; LORI PAIGE SEIDEN senior art administrator 


PHOTOGRAPHY 
MARILYN GRABOWSKI west Coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior editors; FATTY BEAUDETFRANCES associate editor; RENAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG. 
STEPHEN WAYDA senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIGU staff photographer; 
RICHARD (201, MIZUNO. BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR. DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; вил. wurre. studio manager—los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, 
photo library; KEVIN craic manager, photo lab; MELISSA ELIAS photo researcher; YENNY EKKERT: 
casera nose production coordinators 


JAMES N. DIMONEKAS publisher 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO. CINDY PONTARELLI, RICHARD 
Red Hot Halter Teddy QUARTAROLI, DEBBIE TILLOU associate managers; JOE CANE, BARB TERIELA fypesellers; BILL BENWAY 
This sexy red lace teddy rides high over SIMMIE WILLIAMS prepress; CHAR KROWCZYK assistant 
her thighs and reveals her many charms. 
Incredibly sheer in front, it bares her beauti- | . CIRCULATION 
tul backside with a teeny G-string and two 


tiny satin straps. Imported. Nylon. One size. 
RUEO37 $29 


LARRY А. DJERE newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNRO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISING 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; JOE HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULLI direct 
\ATALE marketing director; SUE IGOE event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT 


To order by mall, please send check or money Tespouse manager; LISA 
order to: PLAYBOY markeling services director; DONNA vavoso Creative services director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising 
ren business manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator; NEW YORK: ELISABETH AULEPE. VICTORIA 
Itasca, IL 60143-0809 HAMILTON, SUE JAFFE. JOHN LUMPKIN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, COREY SPIEGEL, 
e CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER 
Canadian orders accepted.) 


READER SERVICE 
NIKE OSTROWSKI, LINDA STRON correspondents 


800-423-9494 
(Source Code 09414) or ADMINIS! 


playboystore.com MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


RATIVE 


Most major credit cards accepted. 
== mm is Y PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 


10 


If you've got it, 


with jewelry and apparel from 


xo, С" PlayboyStore.com 


\ Rhinestone Rabbit 
Head Tee 
r Fiaunt her sun-kissed shoul- ) 
as ders with this cotton red 
y \ spaghetti-strap tee with a 
ГҮ thinestone Rabbit Head 
- Made in USA. S/M (1-5), 


J ў [А | ML (7-11). 


de А. PX8003 $22 


rá 


Playboy Hoop Earrings 
Jump through a hoop for 
her. Lavish her with these 
sexy 14K gold or sterling 
silver hoop earrings, then 
sit back and get your just 
rewards. A radant %" Rabbit 
Head pendant dangles from: 
each hoop. Gift-Doxed. 
B. PX6694 
Stering Silver $29 
PX6693 14K Gold $52 


vox 


Playboy State 
University Tee 
So youre the scholarly 
| type. That doesn't mean 
you're all work and no. 
play. This cotton tee with 
a flocked logo lets every- 
one know you can party LI 
with the best of 'em. 4 
| M (36-38), L (40-42), 
( XL (44), XXL (46) 
C. PX8365 j 
White/Black $28 Np 
PX8366 
White/Red $28 


Rhinestone Navel Ring 
Take a long, close lock at 


Playboy's rhinestone navel > 
ring. The silver-plated %" 
Rabbit Head charm is filed. 


with imported Swarovski 
crystal rhinestones and one 

габ crystal eye, Gift-boxed. A 
D. PX7356 $36 


White Classic Ribbed Tank 

Get back to basics in 

Playboy's ribbed cotton > 
tank top with a screen- 

Printed Rabbit Head. USA. i 

М (86-38), L (40-42), 


Í 
XL (44), XXL (46). 
E Рош S24 и. ый 


To order by тай, send check ог 800-423-9494 


money ordanto a (Source Code 09393) or 
Source Code 09393 playboystore.com 


©2003 Playboy 


Мазса, IL 60143-0809 | Most major credit cards accepted, 
Add $7.95 shipping and handling charge 


per total order, Minois residents add 6.75% = [М] 
Fales tax. (балай oder acean] E o [— Y 


Е f 


LE m. a 
" E. 


(v mm | | 
MAIE EVE Leon” "ч 
PLAYM AT TEJEN JER. a 


Out and about with the Man and his platinum | 
B ty posse. (1) Can you imagine worl d 
| Taco Bell when Hef and his girls drop in for 

Hacke (9) Kew 


Inchain her heart with 


VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS 


oy Store! 


from the Play 


When these shackles of love clamp shut around 
you, you'll have no choice but to surrender. A crimi- 
nally sexy combination of polyester mesh and steel 
chain accents come together on this bra and thong. 
Imported. One size. 

A. RU8378 Chain & Mesh Bikini & Thong Set $36 


Send both your hearts soaring with a gift of this 
butterfly-kissed bralette and bikini. It's a fantasy 
of glimmering sequins and sheer mesh in heart- 

pumping red. Nylon. Imported. One size. 

B. RU8190 Butterfly Bikini Set $24 


Beautiful coming and going. A bra and thong set 
that's every guy's dream—breathtakingly sheer in 
front, with a luscious lick of Venice lace caressing 
her fiesh in back. Spandex. Imported. S (6-8), 
M (10-12), L (14-16). 
C. RUB8102 White Sheer Bikini Set $39 

RU8222 Black Sheer Bikini Set $39 


Hang around a beautiful babe. It's the necklace 
Carrie wore on Sex and the City and the one you 
glimpsed in Elle. Get one for your favorite girl in 

sterling silver. Gift-boxed. USA. 22" chain. 

D. RU6005 Rabbit Head Necklace $49 


ORDER NOW! 
Were mamw | 800-423-9494 


po: Le (Source Code 09414) or 
urce Code 09414 

йазса, Leoras-o09 | Playboystore.com 
‘Add $7.85 shipping and handling charge | Most major credit cards а d. 
per total order. Winois id 

sales tex. (Canadian or 


PEEL 
9 


(©2003 Playboy 


Dear Playboy ы 


BO NORTH LAKE SHORE ORIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL OEARPBCOPLAYBOYCOM. 


SERRIA 
The two most beautiful women in the 
world are Halle Berry and your Novem- 
ber Centerfold, Serria Tawan (Serria's on 
a Roll). 
Jim Landis 
Millersville, Pennsylvania 


Serria is the bomb. Baby got back and 
no silicone, and she knows what's up. 
You ought to break the Playmate mold 
more often. 

Tai Robinson 
Columbus, Ohio 


Miss November's beautiful face, Killer 
eyes and perfect body inspired me to 
leave the magazine open to her Center- 
fold on my coffee table. The only prob- 


lem is, now I never want to leave my liv- 
ing room. 
Joe Curto 
Chandler, Arizona 


Serria Tawan joins the ranks of Halle 
Berry, Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell 
as one of the most beautiful women in 
Hollywood. Serria should be Playmate of 
the Year for looks alone, but add to that 
her smarts and sense of humor, and she 
ies for Playmate of the decade. 

John Tchoe 
Los Angeles, California 


WILLIE-NILLY 
Willie Nelson (Playboy Interview, No- 
vember) has always been my hero. There 
is not a phony bone in his body, because 
he isn't afraid to be himself. He's a real 
man and that makes him sexy as hell. 
Ellen Hejna 
Butler, Pennyslvania 


Every time 1 listen to Willie Nelson 
sing, 1 come to the same conclusion: He's 
a scrully and talentless bum. 

Elmer Renner 
Newport Beach, California 


Гуе always liked Willie Nelson—the 
man and his music. I also admire his 
charitable efforts. However, I don’t un- 
derstand his position that farming is a 
miserable life and we should keep it that 
way. Can you imagine keeping other fam- 
ily businesses from evolving? We'd still 
have sweatshops. 


Eugene Phillip 
Great Falls, V 


BUFFY BARES IT 

It's rare that my wife and I agree on 
who we think is a beautiful woman, but I 
knew I was in for a treat when she told 
me about your Kristy Swanson photos 
(The Hot and Humid Kristy Svanson, No- 

vember). They're out of this world. 

Mark Hayden 
ille, Kentucky 


LIMITED 
EDITION! 


2002 Playmate of the Year. is the teles 
timeless beauty to be honored with a limited-edition 

fashion doll. Her Helike curves are accentuated by 

an Americana halter top and miniature replicas of 

the cutoff jeans and red belt she wore in Playboy's 
June 2002 PMOY pictorial. The doll stands 16" tall 
and includes a certificate of authenticity. 

RU8329 Dalene Kurtis Doll $49 


To order by mall, please send check or 
money order to: PLAYBOY 
Р.О. Box 809 
Source Code 09414 
Itasca, IL 60143-0809 


800-423-9494 


urea Codo 00414) or 


playboystore. com 


PLAYBOY 


Alter seeing Kristy on the November 
cover, one of my shipmates shared his 
thoughts with me. 1 almost broke my ass 
getting to the typewriter to record his 
quote: “Dave, I'd cut off my left arm, 
shave my head and drag myself through 
a city block of broken glass just to smell 
the tires of the truck that took her pant- 
ies to the laundry." 

David Graham 
SMCS, U.S. Navy (Ret.) 
San Diego, California 


Would someone please give Kristy my 
address? The next time she wants to find 
"a natural environment to be naked in," 
T'd like her to find my apartment. 

‘Tim Collar 
Orange, Massachusetts 


In the past few years, you've brought 
us Shannon Elizabeth, Claudia Chris- 
tian, Shari Belafonte and Dedee Pfeiffer 
in the nude. And now Kristy Swanson. I 
must be dreaming. 

Detlev Keil 
Bensheim, Germany 


Oh my God, golden Aphrodite has re- 
turned from Mount Olympus. 
Dan Patz 
Fort Worth, Texas 


PARTY HEARTY 

Гт a senior at Arizona State and I 
agree that we're the best party school in 
the nation, hands down (Playboy's Top 25 
Party Schools, November). The semester 


It must be finals week. 


starıs and the next thing you know it's 
finals and you haven't been to class in 
weeks. 
Patrick Dempsey 
Tempe, Arizona 


I was on vacation in the Phoenix area 
shortly after your rankings came out. 
Some friends and I were in a bar watch- 
ing the World Series when the night took 


16 aturn for the better. We found ourselves 


in the middle of a White Trash 7 
Bash, courtesy of the Kappa Kappa Gam- 
ma sorority at ASU. There were more 
good-looking women there than should 
be allowed in one place. How lucky were 
we to have stumbled into this coed bo- 
nanza? Great call by pLavnoy in ranking 
ASU as number one. 

David Bird 

Mission Viejo, California 


Now that PLAYBOY has desig- 
nated Arizona State Univer- 
sity the biggest party school, 
I would like to invite all the 
Playmates to party on campus 
with us. 

Abram ‘Tompkins 
"Tempe, Arizona 


Rollins College was ranked 
number three in your top 25 
party schools. You couldn't 
have made a better choice for 
the top five. 

Jonathan Marden 
Winter Park, Florida 


You ranked California State 
University-Chico the number 
two party school in the nation. 
In doing so, you've promoted the wrong 
kind of behavior among some of our stu- 
dents, the ones who believe partying and 
drinking are OK. Alcohol abuse is a na- 
tional problem on college campuses, and 
PLAYBOY's childish rankings only encour- 
age students to drink to excess and be- 
have irresponsibly. 

Manuel Esteban, President 
Scott McNall, Provost. 
California State University-Chico 

Hang on! We got our information from 
your students. 


SET 'EM UP AGAIN 
In one of your November Afler Hours 
items (“Some Lines That Won't Work on 
a Hot Bartender"), you offer some sage 
advicc. I havc a linc to add to the list. A. 
guy takes a seat at the bar, orders a drink 
from the attractive bartender with the 
beautiful smile and says, “Hey, sweetie, 
when do you get off?" She leans over 
and whispers in his ear, "Oh, just about 
every time." 
Joe Mercer 
Memphis, 1 


HOW ABOUT GREEN CHEESE? 

By spreading that old moon-landing- 
hoax story in PLAYBOY, Marshall Faulk 
doesn't score any touchdowns (200. No- 
vember). Those Americans who went to 
the moon put their asses on the line for 
their country, both as combat pilots and 
as astronauts, and Faulk is disrespectful 
to them. 


Bruce Elscott 
Indianapolis, Indiana 
He wasn't being disrespectful, he just doesn't 
believe them. To Faulk, there's a difference. 


ѕ comments on gays in profes- 
sional sports are disappointing and rein- 
force the fact that when it comes to sex- 
ual orientation, most heterosexuals just 
don't get it. His advice to gay and bisex- 
ual athletes to “just shut up” is typical 
of homophobia. I think the only way to 
remedy the problem is for a professional 
athlete from the holy trinity—football, 
basketball and baseball—to step out of 


Cord counters. 


thc closct. Female athletes have had the 
courage and done it, and now it's time 
for the males to do it. 
Chris Danielson 
Oxford, Mississippi 


IN THE CARDS 

I would like to congratulate Kevin Lew- 
is on his good luck at the blackjack ta- 
bles (Bringing Down the House, Novem- 
ber). 1 would also like to add that it was 
just that—luck. I have no doubt that he's 
a skillful player, but winning had noth- 
ing to do with card counting. Just be- 
cause there are more face cards avail- 
able in the deck does not mean you're 
going to get one of them. The dealer or 
the guy playing next to you may be the 
lucky one. 


Steve Harmening 
Las Vegas, Nevada 
The casinos leve guys like you. If there is a 
large number of face cards remaining in the 
shoe, it's more likely that the dealer will bust, 
since in most games he has to hit on anything 
less than 17. 


PEACE OUT 

Let's see, a married Jimmy Carter ad- 
mits in the Playboy Interview that he has 
r other women. Twen- 
the Nobel 
have to figure a way to 
k period for that sort 


shorten the payl 
of honesty. 


Charlie Langalis 
Rowayton, Connecticut 
Tell it lo the Swedes. It probably takes a 
while for them to thaw to an idea. 


Own SEASON One ON DVD 3 


"SHIELD. 


"The Most MA X Eléctric And Foul- m 
Hour To Hit The Air Since The Sopranos." 


- Daily Variety 
Season 2 Eid January 7% 
BIFX 
(2 N a www.foxtvdvd.com КД arar ros Cap 20 


— d OBI det air] Fr Lines "horde Cur] Fx" Чи] d d cid pr propa Yih Car FF perm A jn Burt 


GO TO PLAYBOY'S _ y 
4™ ANNUAL, Ae — 
SUPER SATURDAY, 
" NIGHT РАВТҮ E 
WAND 4 
GAME 2 JA | Y | \ 


| THIS IS YOUR CHANGE Р — 


| 10 D MINGLE , Г n! 
"U WITH PEAYMATES, гт. a 
gt 0 ATHEETES А . | 


ITIES! O 


== 


nD j 


ENTER ONLINE AT WWW.PLAYBOY. COM/SUPERSATURDAYNIGHT 
FOR FULL DETAILS AND OFFICIAL RULES. 


Но purchaso necessary, Void whero prehibitod. Ороп ta U.S. rosidonis only. Must bo 21 or older to ontor. 


after 


ho 


urs 


A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S 


ARTIE LANGE: HOWARD'S 
SIDEKICK GETS THROWN 


Artie Lange describes his current job 
as "ball-busting at a fiery, red-hot level." 
Although Lange has had roles on televi- 
sion (Mad TV and The Norm Show) and in 
movies (The Bachelor and Dirty Work), he 
excels as a utility player on the Howard 
Stern Show. Lange is blue-collar and bur- 
ly, and the show is a perfect venue for his 
brand of comedy—rooted in sex, drink- 
ing and gambling. Fortunately. it has all 
come at a time when he's lost his taste 
for destructive partying and outrageous 
bets on Mike Tyson. But you'll be happy 
to know he isn't yet getting Justin Tim- 
berlake-quality star treatment. "1 was at 
a strip club in Las Vegas when this girl 
came up to me, recognized me from the 
show and handed me her cell number,” 
Lange told us. “Later that night I called 
her and she came to my hotel room. We 


RICKY JAY CRAPS OUT 


Actor, sleight-of-hand artist and 
sideshow scholar Ricky Jay also 
collects crumbling dice. He asked 
Rosamond Purcell, who he calls “a 
phatographer of taxidermological 
specimens,” to shoot the collection 
and paired her pictures with essays 
about the lore of these six-sided 
wonderments for Dice: Decep- 
tion, Fate and Rotten 

Luck (Quantuck 


HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


a ' 


THAT'S A WOOFER, THIS IS A TWEETER 


It appears a crew member was feeling nipply during the filming of one of Jen- 

nifer Lopez’ new music videos. This shot of J. Lo looking amused (Who forgot 

the ice again?) supports reports that the lucky stiff had the official respon- 
sibility of nipple tweaker. Guess that's why they're called grips. 


had sex, and I was like, "I'm a su- 
perstar now!’ She fell asleep, woke 

up at seven a.m. and told me she 
was going to leave. I thought it real- 
ly was the perfect thing. Then she 
leaned in and whispered, ‘It’s $500 
for everything.’ I said, ‘Oh my God, 


you're a whore.’ I wasn't going to get in- 
to an argument with a hooker, so I gave 
her the money. She said, ‘Tl call you. 1 
want to be on the show when I come to 
New York.” I was like, "Take the $500, 
give it to your ecstasy dealer and don't 
call me.’ Then I went back to bed.” 


19 


JAPANESE TOILETS: NEW WAYS 
TO DOWN A TOFU DOG 


The Japanese changed the way we lis- 
ten to music with the Walkman. They 
changed the way we watch TV with the 
VCR. They ve yet to change how we take 
a dump, but not for lack of trying. The 
next generation of Japanese toilets has 
arrived, and they're light-years beyond 
the wash-and-massage jobs we've come 
to know and avoid. The new commodes 
are outfitted with conveniences designed 
to make you shit with delight: The Inax 
model glows in the dark and automati- 
cally pops the lid when you enter the 
room; the $3000 Matsushita unit heats 
or cools the entire room in 30 seconds. 
Other crappers can scent and deodorize 
emissions, play music and offer sound ef- 
fects, measure the user's body fat and 
urine sugar, or respond to commands 
Toto toilets is predicting a talking model 
within two years. We can imagine that 
discourse: “Hey, deadeye, you splattered 


PACKAGING 


OF THE 
MONTH 


Rumor has it that | 
cigar-shaped UFOs 
have been spotted 
over the vineyards 
of Chateauneuf du 
Pape in France's 
Rhone valley. Now 
Bonny Doon Vine- 
yard in Santa Cruz, 
California has paid 
homage to them with 
a Rhöne-styled wine, 
Le Cigare Valant, or 
“flying cigar." It comes 
in a cigar-style box; 
a closer look reveals 
alien heads alang the 
borders. It's out of 
this world. 


my seat!” Just what the world needs—a 
toilet that gives us shit. 


THE BEST JOKE IN THE WORLD 


‘Two years ago the venerable 160-year- 
old British Association for the Advani 
ment of Science initiated 
the Laughlab project. In 
what is billed as the big- 
gest scientific study of 
humor, 2 million ratings 


of 40,000 jokes from par- 


ticipants in 70 countries were crunched 
by computer to determine the world’s 
funniest joke. And now we have a win- 
ner: Two hunters are out in the woods 
when one of them falls down, He doesn't 
seem to be breathing, and his eyes are 
rolled back in his head. The other guy 
whips out his cell phone and calls emer- 


can help. First, let’s make sure that he's 
dead.” There is silence, then a shot is 
heard. The guy comes back on the line 
and says, “OK, now what?” Laughlab al- 
so broke down results by nation and 
region. The following joke is typically 
loved by Europeans, who have a taste for 
the absurd: An Alsatian went to a tele- 
gram office, took out a blank form and 
wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. 
Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk 


THE JEAN POOL 


There is no more universal piece of clothing than the humble blue jean. Originally made to 
be utilitarian, it has been usurped by those who want to be swathed in its total coolness. The 
Blue Jean by Alice Harris (Power House) is a pictorial salute to those who have appropriated 
these pants—from Claus von Bulow to Bob Dylan, from Claudia Schiffer to Ava Robbins, as well 
as Britney Spears, Madonna and Gwen Stefani. It'll look good draped over your coffee table. 


Fe 03 Playbo 
Playmate 0 onth le 
Playboy and Playmate of the Month are marks of Playboy -f 


OA | 
Do gou have what itor? Md 


A party and a group of friends daring ES 
enough to give it a spin! ; 


Well if you do, let Miller Lite 
introduce you to a sexy twist 
to this forbidden favorite. 


Next to skinny dipping, this is 
the only group pastime that 
really gets your heart pounding! 
Not to mention being the source 
of incredibly sizzling stories... 


к “ 
YY 1 
^ Чуу тууу ТҮЙ 
4054 va з 


: озурд 
RT 
€ | 


OY CO" 


u'll find cou 


Live Responsibly | qu | 


examined the paper and politely told 
the dog, “There are only nine words 
here. You could send one more ‘woof’ for 
the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, 
“that would make no sense at all.” “The 
top joke in the UK is more straightfor- 
ward: A woman gets on a bus with her 
baby. The bus driver says: “That's the 
ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!” The 
woman goes to the rear of the bus and 
sits down, furning. She says to the man 
next to her: “The driver just insulted 
me!” The man says, “You go right up 
there and tell him off—go ahead, ГЇЇ 
hold your monkey for you." And here's 
the best joke from the U.S.: Two men are 
playing golf at the local course. One of 
them is about to chip onto the green 
when he secs a long funeral procession 
passing by. He stops in midswing, takes 
off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows 
down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, 
that is the most thoughtful and touching 
thing I have ever seen. You truly are a 
kind man." The man replies, "Least I 
could do—we were married 35 years." 


BIG SHOES, BIG SHOEHORN? 
THE FOOT-SCHLONG 
CONNECTION 


Forget about stepping into those giant. 
clown shoes to impress and attract wom- 
en. The big-shoe-size-means-big-penis 
myth turns out to be baseless. On the 
other hand, a new study of men ages 19 
to 38 by the Naval and Veterans Hospital 
of Athens, Greece has shown that penis 
length “correlates significantly” with 
index finger length. While this doesn't 


THE COLOR OF HONEY 
€ Bombshells 


come in one 
color. Blondes 
have an insur- 
mountable 
erotic cred we 
can't describe 
but we all know 
exists. Blonde: 


Masterpieces 
of Erotic Pho- 
tography by 


Michelle 
Olley (Thun- 
der's Mouth) 

collects the 
work of pho- 
tographers 
who know a 
good thing 
when they 
shoot it. This 
book will set- 
tle rather than 
provoke the 
debate. 


WHY GIRLS SAY YES—REASON #50 


Because we were friends. "He'd had years to put a move on me but hadn't. So 
when he asked for a foot massage, | didn't take it as a come-on. | sat on the 
arm of the couch, skirt draped between my legs, and | cradled his foot. He shot 
mea UE jous glance, then began caressing my calf with his other foot. It felt 
good. I looked at him. ‘Shh,’ he whispered. He slipped his 
à. free foot up my leg, under my skirt and along my thigh. 
1 looked at him again, surprised but smiling. 'I want 
«this, he said, sliding his foot along my panties. | was 
wet. ‘May I?' Despite years of platonic friendship, the 
erotic element felt right. And how could | deny a 

friend?” —J.B., Las Cruces, New Mexico 


excuse the display of giant foam fingers 
at sporting events, it helps explain why 
point guards get so much pussy. 


And from someone who apparently 
knows how to make the most out of a 
bowel movement: “I’m releasing semen 
when I take a crap." 


HOW DO YOU SPELL STD? AN 


E.R. GROTESQUERIE 


About 20 years ago the nurs- 
es at Room 111, a public health 
clinic in St. Paul, Minnesota spe- 
izing in sexually transmitted 
seases, began recording the 
more bizarre statements of pa- 
tients in need. Recently pub- 
lished in the local City Pages, the 
complaints arc a testament to 
the descent of man. Here are 
our favorites: 

"My hair is falling out and the 
sun hurts my crotch." 

"I went to a party, had a few 
beers, woke up in à closet later 
and my face stunk and my dick 
hurt." 

"But how can 1 do lap dances 
smelling like a dead fish?" 

“1 got the dripper.” 

"Can't you put the swab in 
farther?" 

"Had sex with my daughter's 
fiancé and then douched with 
Lysol—feeling raw down there." 

“I have food chunks in my 


y balls feel soft and mushy.” 


"My pee smells like ham. 


From the looks of my peris, I believe 
they sucked the adrenaline out of me." 


THE TIP SHEET 


How about bikini waxes?: Line in 
a casting call for Old West prosti- 
tutes in HBO's Deadwood: "Real 
breasts only. This is 1876!” 

Cutting Ihe taste of mution: 
Sphincterine Ass-tringent is a 
minty, deodorizing wipe for 
your—or your loved one's—ass 
crack. It's more convenient, and 
definitely more comfortable, 
than traditional candy canes. 

The Waterfront Tavern (a.k.a. 
Satan's Saloon): This watering 


| hole in Bellingham, Washington 


is unremarkable except for the 
fact that over the years serial 
killer Ted Bundy, “Hillside Stran- 
gler” Kenneth Bianchi 
ed murderer James 
accused sprec-sniper John Allen 
Muhammad all hung out there 
nursing beers and, apparently, 
serious grudges. 

E.A.R.L.: The Autobiography of 
DMX: From the hard slums of 
Yonkers, Earl Simmons defied 


the odds and grew up to be best- 

selling rapper DMX—and the author of 

his own biograph 

many pit bulls, 
Yahooing beer: Grabbing a six-pack of 


As befits the owner of 
sa hip-hop Howl. 


21 


22 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


QUOTE 

“Run for office? 
No. I’ve slept with 
too many women, 
Гус done too many 
drugs and Гуе 
been to too many 


DO YAHOO? 

According to 
the Pew Internet. 
and American 
Life Project, esti- 
mated percentage 
of Internet users 
who've typed their 
own names into a 
search engine: 25. 


RUN TO THE JOHN 
Length in feet of 
the longest urinal 
in the world, con- 
structed outdoors 
each year for the 
New York Mara- 
thon and discreetly 
hidden behind foliage: 290. 


FAST TIMES AT ANY HIGH 
In a national survey, percentage of 
teenagers who said they could buy 
marijuana in an hour or less: 27. Per- 
centage who said it might take a few 
hours to make a purchase: B. 


PIGS IN SPACE 

In a recent Futron/Zogby poll of 
Americans with net worths exceeding. 
$1 million, percentage who said they 
would pay $100,000 to be rocketed 
50 miles into space for a 15-minute 
ride that would include weightless- 
ness: 19. Percentage who would pay 
$20 million for a two-week excursion 
to an orbiting space station: 7. Per- 
centage who would pay $5 million for 
such an excursion: 16. 


CREDIT CHECK 

In a poll by the National Constitu- 
tion Center, the percentage of Amer- 
icans who feel the biggest threat to 
their privacy is posed by law enforce- 
ment agencies: B. Percentage who feel 
the biggest threat to their privacy is 
posed by the federal government: 29. 
Percentage who most fear banks and 
credit card companies: 57. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 


TOOTH AND TAIL 

In a Roper sur- 
vey, percentage of 
18- to 24-year-old 
women who said 
they would refuse 
a morning kiss 
if their partners 
hadn't yet brushed 
their teeth: 55. Per- 
centage of men in 
the same age group. 
who refuse a kiss 
if their partners 
hadn't brushed 
their teeth: 66. 


DOOR POLICY 

In a poll by the 
Society of Human 
Resource Manage- 
ment, percentage 
of dismissed em- 
ployees who learn 
that they have been 
fired through the 
grapevine, by voice 
mail or on a confer- 
ence call: 3. Per- 
tage who receive written notifica- 
tion: 5. Percentage who are informed 
by a human resources employee: 5. 
Percentage who are told at a group 
meeting; 20. Percentage who are told 
in a face-to-face meeting with their 
manager: 67. 


NUMBER TWO 
According to a Harris poll, per- 
centage of Americans who have been 
to an Elvis Presley concert: 5. Per- 
centage who have seen an Elvis im- 
personator: 34. 


DRILL TEAM 
Percentage of sexually active Amer- 
icans who use vibrators or other sex 
toys with their partners: 10. Percent- 
age of toy users who find it adds va- 
riety: 77. Percentage who feel it adds 
a sense of adventure: 59. Percentage 
who do so because their partner en- 
joys it: 70. 


GODDAM THE PUSHERMAN 
In an independent analysis of 47 
clinical trials of the six most widely 
prescribed antidepressants, percent- 
age of time a placebo achieved the 
same results as the medication itself: 
75 to 80. —BETTY SCHAAL 


beer in a convenience store and running 
out to a waiting car while yelling "Ya- 
hoo!” before the counter drone can react 
is a popular prank in eastern Georgia 
Because the cost of a sixer isn't worth the 
hassle of prosecution, the crime goes un- 
punished approximately 90 percent of 
the time. 

D-Tox: An inadvertently well-named 
Sylvester Stallone kill-spree flick that 
may be the largest Hollywood bomb to 
date. It was made by Universal in 1999 
at a cost of $60 million, greeted like an- 
thrax by test audiences, shunned over- 
seas and is not even certain to make it to 
video domestically 

Playing chicken: Because real cockfights 
are against the law, a loose confed. 
of computer geeks, gamers and gam- 
blers pack Cockfight Arena in Los Ange- 
les' Chinatown to watch people put on 
chicken costumes tricked out with sen- 
sors and accelerometers, then peck and 
claw at each other. The combat is digi- 
tally translated into a virtual big-screen 
cock fight between animated roosters. 
Betting is heavy. 


#- 


Ё 


Ú a WHY HAVE 
| EE. (THE USUAL? 
~~ Va 


ULTRA LIGHTS HARD PACK: Sîne! “tar”, тоо ое TURKISH 
GOLD: 10 mg. “tar”, 0.8 mg. nicotine, LIGHTS ABD PACKS 10 ing: 
“tar”, 0.9 mg. nicotine, OREMA,. DARK МАМІ STINGER, 
TWIST: 11 mg. “tar 09 mannicotine AURKISH ROYAL 13 ma 
“tar”, 1.1 mg. nicotine, FILTERS HARD АК 16 mg. "tar", 13 mg. 
nicotine, TURKISH JADE: 17 mg. “та”, 11 mg. nicotine, av. per 

À cigarette by FTC method. For more product information, visit 
wwwirjrteom. 4 


RICH & 
CLASSIC 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 


By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal MELLOW 
Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. Toad 


cAMEex 


PLEASURE 


4M <= 


AB 
INI 


THE HEFSTER 


The Art Center College of Design in 
Pasadena, a top school for auto- 
motive innovation, wanted a car for 
the year 2050 inspired by a con- 
temporary figure. And so was born 
the Hefner Phaethon by Rob King, 
a car with soft metallic skirts that 
flow over speed bumps—the ideal 
playmate of the future 


AMAZING BUT FALSE FACTS 


We've all seen those lists of so-called 
facts like "A duck's quack doesn't echo, 
and nobody knows why." Now TopFive 
com has released its own falsies into the 


ether, and it's wait- 
ing to see them re- 
gurgitated as true, ei- 
ther in print or online. 
Keep your eye out for the 
following, and prepare to 
wow your friends with the 
irony of it all: 

In the weightlessness of 
space a frozen pea will ex- 
plode if it comes in contact 
with Pepsi. 

The idea for tribbles on 
Star Trek came from ger- 
bils, since some gerbils are 
actually born pregnanı 

Smearing a small amount 
of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve 
the itching and swelling. 

Boeing 747s could fly upside down if it 
weren't for the fact that the wings would 
shear off when the plane rolled over. 

The only golf course on the island of 
"Tonga has 15 holes, and there is no pen- 
alty if a monkey steals your golf ball 

Legislation passed during World War 
1 making it illegal to say gesundheil to a 
sneezer has never been repealed. 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


Manatees’ 
vocal cords give 
them the abili- 
ty to speak like 
humans, but they 
don't do so because 
they have no ears 
with which to hear 
the sound. 

Scuba di 


ers are 


unable to pass gas at 


Catfish are the on- 
ly animals that nat- 
urally have an even 

number of whiskers. 

The skin needed for elbow transplants 
and grafts must be taken from the scro- 
tum of a cadaver. 

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 pen- 
guins in a single sitting. 

The F-117 fighter uses aerodynam- 
ics discovered during research into how 
bumblebces fly. 

‘The typewriter was invented by Hun. 
garian Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signa- 
ture" on the top of the keyboard. 


No waman can catch flying Daritos in her mouth while daing backflips in a laundromat like ALI LANDRY, The lissame 
29-year-old farmer Miss USA was voted one of People's 50 Most Beautiful People after her Doritos spot aired during the 
1998 Super Bawl, She hails from the crawfish capital of the world—Breaux Bridge, Lovisiona—which is another reason 
we lick our fingers whenever we think of her. (Message ta Ms. Landry: Call us next time you're gigging for frogs—we know 
all about navigating marshy scrublonds.) Before she ignited our dormant fantasies invalving dentally gifted women who 
snap up tasty triangles, Ali cleaned up on soaps like Sunset Beach and The Bald and the Beautiful. Now she hosts NBC's 
Spy TV, a "caveri-c ra comedy series” that puts everyday peaple in extreme situations and records it all for our amuse- 
ment. While we've yet ta see any clips fram the shaw os acrobatic as her laundry lutzes, we haven't stapped hoping to 
catch her on fire ane day again, chin speckled with salsa. 


= 


PREVIEWS 


Just Married: Chances are your wife or 
girlfriend will drag you to this romantic 
comedy as payback for your dragging 
her to Man of War, so listen up in case 
you want to catch some z's while it's run- 
ning. Sexy Brittany Murphy plays a girl 
who pisses off everyone she knows by 
marrying Ashton Kutcher and vacation- 
ing in Europe. Then along comes her 
ex-boyfriend (played by Christian Kane) 
to throw a monkey wrench into matri- 
monial bliss, If you can't guess which guy 
she winds up with, you're beyond help. 

Prozac Nation: In this long-delayed 
movie version of Elizabeth Wurtzel's au- 
tobiographical best-seller, Christina Ricci 
acts her heart out as a deeply troubled, 
self-obsessed Harvard student who alien- 
ates everyone around her before learn- 
ing she suffers from manic depression 
and starts popping jagged little pills. Jes- 
sica Lange, Michelle Williams, Jason 
Biggs and Anne Heche suffer excruci- 
atingly with her. Maybe theater owners 
ought to dispense happy pills to audi- 
ence members on the way out. 

Johnny English: Putty-faced Brit comic 
Rowan Atkinson is one of the funniest 
wackadoodles on the planet. In this spy 
spoof, our hero, aided by a sexy vis 
(pop star Natalie Imbruglia), saves the 
world from a power-mad despot, played 
with exhilarating campiness by John Mal- 
kovich. Sound too much like Austin Pow- 
ers 42 Oh, behave! 

Buffalo Soldiers: Screening audiences 
wary of the country's obsession with flag- 


waving have been find- 
ing lots to like in this 
scathing Cold War lam- 
poon set among bored, 
horny and often-stoned 
American soldiers on 
an Army base in Stutt 
gart in 1989, days be 
fore the toppling of the 
Berlin Wall. It recalls 
the anti-authoritarian 
glory days of Caich-22 
and Mash. 

The Good Thief: Direc- 
tor Neil Jordan's moody, 
dreamlike reimagining 
of the great 1955 French 
film Bob le Flambeur gives 
Nick Nolte another role 
of a lifetime as a witty, 
talkative ex-thief on the French Riviera, 
where he drugs and gambles himself 
nearly to death before being persuaded 
to pull off one last heist. Watch for a 
Killer performance by Nino Kukhanidze 
as a gorgeous teen hooker and another 
by smoothie Ralph Fiennes as a crooked 
art dealer. —STEPHEN REBELLO 


REVIEWS 
BY LEONARD MALTIN 


Ray Liotta produced and stars in Nare, 
a gritty and brutal story of a Detroit un- 
dercover cop (Jason Patric) who is rein- 
stated after a nasty incident because the 
department needs his help in tracking 
down a cop killer. He teams up with the 
dead man's partner (Liotta), a loose can- 


non, to follow the trail of the doomed 
detective. Director Joe Carnahan tells the 
story in kinetic fashion and keeps a solid 
grip on his characters. 

Roman Polanski has delved into his 
past to produce a gripping film about 
опе man’s journey through hell during 
World War 11. The Pianist is based on the 
true story of Polish musician Wladyslaw 
Szpilman (played to perfection by Adri- 
en Brody), whose family is moved to the 
Warsaw ghetto then herded off to the 
camps while fate steers him on a lonely 
path. It stands apart from other films 
about the period in its depiction of the 
Nazis' matter-of-factness in dehumaniz- 
ing their victims. Most of all, it stands as 
a testament to man's will to survive. 


FILMS THAT GOT AWAY 


Every year good films slip through the cracks. I wouldn't 
cite 2002 as an especially rich year for movie lovers, but 
there were a number of outstanding video releases that mer- 
it attention. Some, likc Lantana, LIE and The Devil's Backbone, 
earned critical praise but never got wide release. Lantana is a 
potent adult drama from Australia starring Anthony La- 
Paglia as a detective whose marriage is in crisis, which affects 
his behavior on a missing-persons case involving an author 
(Barbara Hershey) and her husband (Geoffrey Rush). LIE 


Stiles and Channing: Strangers no more] 


features an unforgettable performance by Brian Cox as an 
avuncular pederast who doesn't seem like a villain, even 
while he preys on teenage boys in his Long Island commu- 
nity. The Devil's Backbone is a beautifully conceived and exe- 
cuted ghost story set against the backdrop of the Spanish 
Civil War. Director Guillermo del Toro reached more movie- 
goers with Blade II, but this one is a gem. 

Stockard Channing and Julia Stiles give crackling perfor- 
mances as a business executive and a woman who is fond 
of playing mind games in Patrick Stettner's The Business of 
Strangers. Leelee Sobieski and the always-welcome Albert 
Brooks make another odd couple in Christine Lahti's poi- 
gnant comedy-drama My First Mister. 

The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys adds an interesting layer to 
the usual coming-of-age saga with the help of evocative ani- 
mated sequences by Todd McFarlane, (The Catholic school- 
boys in the story work through their frustrations by drawing 
their own comic books; the animation brings them to life.) 

Memento made filmmaker Christopher Nolan, but the 
DVD release of his first feature, Following, reveals his early 
experiments with a nonlinear storytelling approach. 

I had a great time watching the Hong Kong action movie 
Iron Monkey, and seeing how director Woo-ping Yuen tried out 
some of the ideas he later used as the fight choreographer on 
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. This movie is pure fun —ı. m 


27 


Would that 1 
could say the same 
for Menno Meyjes’ 
Mox, which asks the 
intriguing ques- 
tion of what would 
have happened i 

Adolf Hitler had 
been encouraged 
in his art career 
following World 
War 1. John Cu- 
sack, who is al- 
ways good, is im- 
probably cast as = 
a Jewish art dez 

er, and Australia's 
Noah Taylor gives a terrific performance 
as the easily ignited but impressionable 
young führer. But what can you say 
about a movie that tosses out lines like 
“Hey, Hitler, let me buy you a glass of 
lemonade”? 

Three beautiful and fearless acıresses 
star in The Hours, directed by Stephen 
Daldry and adapted by David Hare from 
Michael Cunningham's best-selling nov- 
el. Nicole Kidman (with a distracting put- 
ty nose) plays Virginia Woolf, who strug- 
gles with depression as she writes the 
novel Mrs. Dalloway in 1923. Julianne 
Moore is a California housewife who 
reads the novel in 1949 while battling 
demons that are invisible to her husband 
but all too apparent to her young, im- 


Porker gets persanol. 


pressionable son. Meryl Streep is a busy 
New York City book editor in 2001 who's 
planning a party for a former lover who 
has AIDS (Ed Harris). The Hours is not 
about happy people, but its probing of 
the human condition and its perfor- 
mances are so good that it merits your 
attention. It will probably attract Oscar 
attention, too. 

Rebecca Miller directed a three-part 
film based on her book about contempo- 
rary women at crossroads in their lives, 
and used narration to introduce each 
distinctive character. Then it's up to the 
actresses—Kyra Sedgwick, Parker Posey 
and Fairuza Balk—to bring the women 
to life, which they do with aplomb. Person- 
al Velocity proves again that content wins 
out over budget every time. 


SCENE STEALER 


KYRA SEDGWICK. IN PERSONAL VELOCI- 


shoot this summer; he's directing and I'll 
star and produc 


TY YOU PLAY A WOMAN WHO USES SEX AS A 
POWER BASE, BUT IS VICTIMIZED BY IT, TOO. 
DID THE PART JUMP OFF THE PAGE FOR 
you? “Certainly it did, but also, this 
is a role not everyone would see me 
being able to do, and I was so im- 
pressed that Rebecca Miller did. It 
was such a vote of confidence.” ARE 
YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND, KEVIN BACON, 
PLANNING TO WORK TOGETHER AGAIN? 
“We have a script that we're planning to 


You know, making a 


SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


About Schmidt Jack Nicholson turns in 
another sensational performance in 
this bittersweet comedy about a man 
who retires in his 60s, only to discov- 
er that his life has been empty ¥¥¥ 
Adaptation Nicolas Cage plays an ago- 
nized screenwriter and his upbeat 
twin brother in this weird, sometimes 
brilliant movie from the folks who 
brought us Being John Malkovich. NYV 
Antwone Fisher Denzel Washington di- 
rects and co-stars with Derek Luke in 
the story ofan abused young man who 
is helped by a Navy psychiatrist. ¥¥¥ 
Die Another Day Pierce Brosnan and 
Halle Berry are fun to watch in this 
overlong but entertaining 007 romp. 
Sure, there are lots of high-tech stunts, 
but the highlight is an incredibly low- 
tech swordfight. УУУУ 
Eight Mile Eminem's selfassured per- 
formance as a would-be hip-hop star, 
and director Curtis Hanson's evoca- 
tive slice of urban life, propel this grit- 
ty storyand make up for obvious melo- 
drama along the way. К 
The Hours Nicole Kidman, Julianne 
Moore and Meryl Streep play women 
from different decades whose fates 
are intertwined—and who share an 
inability to experience happiness. vYY 
Max John Cusack and Noah Taylor 
star in this fiasco of a film built on the 
premise: What would have happened 
if Hitler had pursued an art career? Y 
Norc Ray Liotta stars with Jason Patric 
in Joe Carnahan's gritty, violent film 
about an undercover officer in De- 
troitand his search for a cop killer. ¥¥¥ 
Personol Velocity Kyra Sedgwick, Par- 
ker Posey and Fairuza Balk star in this 
triptych of provocative short stories 
from director Rebecca Miller. ¥¥¥ 
The Pianist Roman Polanski wrote and 
directed this compelling film based 
on the true story ofa Polish musician 
who survived a living hell in World 
War П. Adrien Brody stars. — ¥¥¥/2 
Sonny Nicolas Cage directs this atmo- 


movie is like going to war every day, so you 
really have to find something you're pas- 
sionate about." AND YOU'RE DOING A TV SE- 
RIES? "I'm doing six episodes of Queens Su- 
preme, which is a CBS midseason show. It's 
about the state supreme court in Queens. 
Oliver Platt is in it, and he is the reason 

I said yes. I play an assistant district 
attorney." TELL US ABOUT WORKING 

WITH ROBERT DUVALL AND MICHAEL 

CAINE IN THE UPCOMING SECOND- 

HAND LIONS. "These guys have 

been around forever. There's 

no bullshit, no star stuff. The 

good ones that last are such a 

breath of fresh air. They're so 

| unaffected." —LM. 


spheric story abouta New Orleans boy 
(James Franco) who comes home from 
the Army planning to get out of the 
family business—his mother's broth- 
el. Mena Suvari and Brenda Blethyn 
co-star, but Harry Dean Stanton steals 
the show. LU 
Talk to Her Pedro Almodóvar has made 
a great—and audaciously original— 
movie abouta man who takes care of 
a beautiful woman in a coma—and 
bonds with another man whose lover 
shares the same fate. УУУУ 


УУУУ Don't miss 
YYY Good show 


YY Worth a look 
Y Forget it 


ч 


GUEST SAIT 


"I'll watch anything that John Ford or John 
Wayne made,” says Maureen O'Hara, leg- 
endary star of such classics as How Green 
Was My Valley, The Quiet Man and Mira- 
cle on 34th Street. “Ilove Duke in The Long 
Voyage Home. And movies with Fred As- 
taire and Ginger Rogers, especially Top Hat 
and Flying Down to Rio. | 
love Mutiny on the 
Bounty —the origi- 
nal Charles 
Laughton and 
Clark Gable.” 
O'Hara also has 
a special place 
in her heart for 
1992's Strictly 
Ballroom. "It was 
enchanting," she 
says about Baz Luhr- 
mann's dance-filled 
romantic comedy. 
"| even bought a 


CIVIL OBEDIENCE 


This month director Ronald Maxwell re- 
visits the Civil War with Geds and Gener- 
als, a Manassas-to-Chancellorsville pre- 
quel to his vivid, battle-heavy Gettysburg 
(1993). Keep your powder dry and let 
the minié balls fly! 

Andersonville (1996): This astonishing re- 
creation of the Confederate prison—built 
for 8000 but ultimately home to 33,000 
damned Yankees— puts you in the mire. 
Director John Frankenheimer creates an 
intense biosphere of danger and disease 
amid frock coats and Hardee hats. 

Glory (1989): The badass 54th Regiment 
of the Massachusetts Volunteer Infan- 
try—a real band of brothers—takes on 
Johnny Reb in a suicidal battle at Charles- 
ton, South Carolina. Three Oscars, in- 
cluding Denzel Washington's first (for 
supporting actor). 

The General (1927): lents are golden, 
and this one, starring Buster Keaton as 
a Confederate train engineer, has more 
battlefield activity and genuine laughs 
than any action-comedy on screen today. 
The cunning stunts of the double-loco- 
motive chase define the term classic. 
Ride With the Devil (1999): Ang Lee's little- 
seen humanistic chapter of the War of 
Northern Aggression follows a group of 
renegade rebel Bushwhackers from bat- 
tle into hiding, where Tobey Maguire 


takes up with pregnant widow Jewel. Re- 
alistic action, authentic emotions. 

The Civil War (1990): At 11 hours, Ken 
Burns’ epic documentary leaves no sepia- 
toned page unturned. The contempo- 
rary visuals are superb; the gorgeous pe- 
riod music provides atmosphere and pace. 
Friendly Persuasion (1956): Indiana Quak- 
ers—including Gary Cooper—find their 
pacifist ways challenged when Confeder- 
ate guerrillas invade their town. Director 
William Wyler’s mixture of light comedy 
and drama picked up six Oscar nomina- 
tions, including one for Anthony Perkins. 
The Raid (1954): A posse of Confederate 
escapees is plotting to pillage a Vermont 
town, but undercover rebel Van Heflin 
gets involved with widow Anne Bancroft. 
Based on the true story of the northern- 
most Civil War skirmish, this stars man's 
men Richard Boone and Lee Marvin. 
Gone With the Wind (1939): Vivien Leigh 
in a petticoat—now, there's a belle we'd 
like to ring. — BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


What do you get when you cross Friends 
with Sex and the City? Eventually, you'll 
get something like Coupling, 2 BBC Two 
hit series NBC has licensed with plans to 
produce a U.S. version. Meanwhile, the 
original six episodes of the randy Brit- 
com can be had on DVD (Warner Bros., 
$25). Coupling isn't as sexy as Sex and the 
City (the actors keep their clothes on), 
but the characters are fresh, with person- 
ality warps that U.S. network suits might 
not tolerate. Gems abound, such as the 


eee 


pompe 
sımdus havado 


ШЧ * 
$ uc 


D.W. Griffith was a pioneering and contro- 
versial figure in the history of cinema. He 
was one of the men responsible for estab- 
lishing film as a popular art form and for 
developing many of the ways in which 
cinema tells stories. The seven-disc 
Griffith Masterworks (Kino, $100) col- 
lects The Birth of a Nation, Intolerance, 
Orphans of the Storm, Broken Blossoms 
and two discs of shorts he made for the 
American Biograph Co. from 1908 to 
1913. It was there that he found some of 
the actresses he would later use in his 
feature films, including Mary Pickford and 
Lillian and Dorothy Gish. This collection 
reminds us how rich filmmaking can be— 
even when it doesn't include sound. 


definition of “porn buddy": In the event 
you die, your porn buddy races over and 
clears out your stash of stroke fodder 
before your mother gets to it. Why, that's 
not just funny, it's a plan! 

— GREGORY P. FAGAN 


Signs (Mel—as a widowed ex-cleric with kids and a farm— 
wonders about his crop circles; fine M. Night Shyamalon 
Chiller), Blood Work (Clint—as an ex-fed with a used heart— 
tracks a killer who's calling his name; solid, if leisurely, thriller). 


One Hour Photo (creepy clerk Robin Williams gets way too 
personal with a customer's family; well developed), Trapped 
(Kevin Bacon's perfect kidnapping scheme fails to antici- 
pate mom's crowbar; taut, if а bit over the top). 


The Good Girl (Jennifer Aniston's ganja-numb hubby drives 
her into the arms of c Holden Caulfield wannabe; smart fun). 
Undercover Brother (he is to Shaft what Austin Powers is to 
Bond, and he's bringing down the Man; superior spoofing). 


Harrison's Flowers (Jersey mom Andie MacDowell seeks her 
MIA photojournalist husband in the Balkans; pat yet potent), 
Tadpole (Gotham teen lusts for his stepmom, beds her best 
bud; Bebe Neuwirth heats up otherwise tepid indie). 


GIRL POWER 


Blue Crush (surf chick Kate Bosworth wants to go pro and quit 
cleaning crappers; cool waves, hard bods, flaccid script), 
Amy's Orgasm (all talk, until she meets the right shock jock; 
frank sexuality lifts director-star Julie Davis’ romance). 


30 


musie 


THE MORE LIFE dumps on Billy Joe Shaver, 
the stronger he gets. The best songs on 
Freedom's Child (Compadre) involve loss 
and remembrance. Shaver, along with 
George Jones and Willie Nelson, is a Tex- 
as outlaw master. —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


It sounds fishy: Former front man or- 
ganizes tribute record to his own band. 
But when Henry Rollins recruited mem- 


THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG DEPARTMENT: 
Cot Stevens, a.k.a. Yusuf Islam. 
mount a Broadway musica 
will follow his life. 
ING: Rush Hour and Red Dragon direc- 
tor Brett Ratner is working on a movie 
about the Rolling Stones' Licks tour, with 
Jogger producin, - The story of 
Romeo and Juliet is about to be retold 
Romea and Lil' Juliet. The young 
rapper vill star, of course, and a na- 
tionwide talent search will find Lil" 
Juliet. . . . Kylie Minogue and Robbie 
ims will team up to lend their voi 
esto a movie based on a French TV 
series for children called The Magic 
Roundabout. NEWSBREAKS: 


bers of Slipknot, Queens of 
the Stone Age, Rancid et @ 
al. to toast Black Flag оп 
Rise Above (Sanctuary), it 
was a benefit for the West e 
Memphis Three's legal de- 


fense. To block attempts at MECA 


reinterpreting the tunes, 
Rollins asked his backup 
band to record the tracks. 
Ice T and Hank Williams 
ПІ, among others, heeded the call. The 
result is ferocious. —JASON BUHRMESTER 


On The Ache (Self-Starter Foundation), 
We Ragazzi singer Tony Rolando has 
perfected the faux-soul howl of a young 
Jagger. Instead of the mid-Sixties Farfi- 
sa and Vox organs used by neo-garage 
bands, this group uses an electric piano. 
It’s a Kick in the head. TIM mon 


Who inspires the Waco Brothers, the 
Handsome Family and Steve Earle? You 
can find out on two excellent new collec- 
tions. Recorded in 1927, RCA Country Leg- 
ends: The Bristol Sessions (BMG) is filled 
with field recordings of the Carter Fami- 
ly, Jimmie Rodgers and 14 others. These 
gothic ballads, war tunes and gospel 
songs are still haunting. Classic Mountain 
Songs (Smithsonian Folkways) includes 
thorny fiddle and banjo, bluegrass and 
blues, and traditional death and murder 
ballads so brutal that Eminem seems 
tame by comparison. — —ANAHEED ALANI 


fast tracks 


With only an EP under their studded 
belts, sleaze-rockers the Yeah Yeah 
Yeahs are the toast of 
New York. Moster (Touch 
and Go) was made ona 
shoestring and rocks with 
singer Karen O.'s yodel- 
ing. It will tide you over 
until the band's CD drops 


this spring. —ALISON PRATO 


What goes around comes 4 
around: Cynthia Plaster Caster 

has launched her website, cynthiap 
caster.org, where replicas and draw- 
ings of her work are for sale. Famous 
in the Sixties for her penis casts (which 
she keeps in a bank vault in Chicago), 


Don't know much about his- 

The Uni y of California of- 

Musical Soul of 

the Sixties and Seventies. . . . Let's 

hear it for the dead guy and the old 

guys: Thanks to the King and the 

Rolling Stones, record sales picked up 
at the end of last year. 

BARBARA NELLIS 


Robin Thicke is sit- 
com royalty—his dad is 
Alan Thicke of Growing 
Pains, and mom Gloria 
Loring sang the theme 
to The Facts of Life. Cher- 
ry Blue Skies (NuAmeri- 
ca) by Thicke channels 
the good parts of the 
Seventies, serving up 
soul—and a danceable 
version of Beethoven's Fifth. —АР 


Frank Sinatra's genius was in his per- 
formances. On Classic Duers (Capitol), he 
joins Ella, Louis, Bing and Elvis, who 
‘stopped by his TV shows between 1957 
and 1960. The sound quality varies, but, 
despite the forced spontaneity, the tracks 


It's rare to hear mu- 
sic that doesn't rehash 
the past. Two new 
electronic CDs look 
to the future. Mani- 
toba's hard-charging 
Start Breaking My Heort 
(Domino) shows how 
funky laptops can be. 
Napoli Is Not Ne- 
pal's Revolver (Shit- 
katapult) mixes gui- 
tar and keyboards 

with breakbeats. It 
sounds great in a club, 
but better on headphones. u 


The 20th Anniversary Box Set (Metal 
Blade) isa heavy metal party. The collec- 
tion spans the label's metal stalwarts— 
Slayer, Six Feet Under and Gwar, among 
others. The highlight is the original ver- 
sion of Metallica's Hit the Lights. J.B. 


Mama Says I'm Crazy (Fat Possum) is a 
recording of Fred McDowell playing 
guitar and singing at home in 1967, 
backed on harmonica by his friend John- 
ny Woods. McDowell's performance is 
majestic and Woods’ driving harp ac- 
companiment is intense. —AA. 


This year's most engaging MC is from 
Brixton, not Brooklyn. On Original Pirate 
Material (Vice), Mike Skinner (a.k.a. the 
Streets) lets out a steady flow of UK lad- 
die talk, ripe with 
references to 
drunken Tube 
rides, birds and 
geezers, creat- 
ing images with 
all the vivid- 
ness of Train. 
spolting. —J8. 


Avram Fefer 
is one of the 
best sax play- 
ers working today. On Lucille's Gemini 
Dream (CIMP), he leads a brilliant quar- 


have an effervescent sense of fun. —rM. tet through a dynamic live set. u 
Alani | Buhrmester | Froehlich | Mohr | Prato 
Black Flag 
Rise Above. 5 9 4 2 l3" 
Bristol Sessions 
RCA Country Legends] 8 6 7 10 7 
Billy Joe Shaver 
Freedom's Child 7 6 8 6 5 | 
We Ragazzi 
The Ache 4 6 6 9 6 
Yeah Yeah Yeahs 
Master 7 7 5 7 7 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 148 


On. of the greatest sax players of all time wanders the 
streets, homeless. A famous jazz drummer freezes because 
he can't afford to pay his heating bill, A world-reknowned 
bassist is deathly ill and doesn't have the money to see a 
doctor. Tragic stories, but unfortunately all too common. 
Aud all too unfair. Many of our finest jazz musicians, men 
and women who have helped create America’s greatest 
contribution to world culture, are ending their lives 
penniless. And while their music has made fortunes for 
others, they can't even afford health insurance. This is 


why a group of concerned jazz musicians, fans, and 


/ the Jazz Foundation of America have founded the 
Jazz Musician's Emergency Fund. It’s the first and only 
organization of its kind. Dediented to giving something 


buck to those deserving artists who have given us so much. 


Lots of people save old 
jazz albums. But how often do 
— vou have the chance to save 


an old jazz musician? 


We're. providing 


medi r counseli And 


ul care, legal advice and carce 


helping them cope with financial emergencies. We have 
already accomplished à great deal, But so much more needs 
to be done. For more information, to make a tax-deductible 
donation or to find out how you can become 


и volunteer, call us today at 1-500-/FA-JAMS. Or write 


us at 322 W. 48 St. 3rd Floor, New York, NY 10036. 


And help us keep the music alive. 


has Musicians Emengeney Fand! i 


JAZZ FOUNDATION 
"The Juzz Foundation of America is a not-for-profit corporations tay exempt under 501 (e)0) af the Interim Reyenue code. 


32 


mired 


NEW LIFE FOR DEAD RINGERS 


Until now, plastic cell phone covers were 
little more than cosmetic accessories, a 
chick trick used to coordinate the phone 
with an outfit. Why bother? Wildseed 
Ltd., based in Kirk- 


land, Washington, 
has introduced a 
line of intelligent 
faceplates called 
Smart Skins. Attach 
Ws : Smart Skins face- 
E plate to your Kyo- 
cera Delta 2 phone 
($200) and *remap- 
pable user inter- 
face" technology 
allows the phone 
to morph into 
something else. 
The theme of your 
phone changes in doz- 
ens of details, including the 

color of the screen, icons and wallpaper. 
The web browser loads in appropriate 
sites, new games appear and the ring 
tone and audio accents are altered to 
match the chosen theme: music, sports, 
movies, fashion or celebrities. The Smart 
Skins phone also comes equipped with 
FM radio and pulsing LEDs. The patent- 
ed Airtext feature lets you program a 
message and then display it in the air by 
waving the LED end of the phone (try 
“Can I buy you a drink?” or “Make it a 
double”). Smart Skins faceplates are ex- 
pected to sell for $25 to $40, depending 
on the licensing of the theme and the 
features. —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


A $100 WITHDRAWAL 
AND WEEZER TICKETS 


Automated teller machines are spitting 
out more than money these days. In Cal- 
ifornia they play commer- 
cials with full-motion vid- 
eo and sound. Recently, 
customers who used one 
of Bank of America's 
2000 ATMs were forced 
to watch a commercial 
during the “please wait” 
portion of the transac- 
tion, and more ads are on 
the way. When you in- 
sert your card into newer 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 140 


XA 
~ | 


АТМ», the system does a quick check of 
how much money you have in your ac- 
count and then delivers an advertise- 
ment that's targeted to your demograph- 
ic. If you are low on funds, the machine 
may display an ad for overdraft services. 
Sport a large savings ac- 
count and you might be 
offered investing con- 
sultation or a great 
dealon a BMW.Some 
banks offer custom- 
ers credit cards 
via ATMs. 
Push a few 
buttons and 
a card arrives in the 
mail within a few days. Not all 
next-generation ATM features are in- 


conveniences or sales pitches. Post office 
lines are a definite pain in the ass, so we 
welcome Tranax Technology's plans to 
offer stamp sales at an ATM near you. 
Travelers Express and ATM manufac- 
turer Diebold recently tested machines 
that dispense money orders by deduct- 
ing the amount from your account. Own- 
ers of prepaid mobile phones soon will 
be able to add airtime, and a system is 
in the works for movie ticketing. Using a 
touch screen, you select the date, time 
and number of tickets desired for a mov- 
ie, and the machine will print them out. 
Buying concert tickets via ATM can't be 
far behind, which sounds great until you 
need a fast $100 and there's a line of hip- 
pies camped out around the block wait- 
ing for Phish seats. —LAZLOW 


WILD THIN 


Carrying a camputer securily key is the 
latest in geek chic, The plastic token 
plugs into your USB port and re- 
quires a password to access your 
computer, creating the same “two- 
factor authentication” of an ATM: 
something you have, combined 
with something you know. They're 
designed to keep would-be thieves 
from pilfering your data and files, but 


í 


Y 


they work well on prying girlfriends and 


nosy roommates, too. Just don't lose your key in 

a club and wind up locked out of your laptop. The A-Key by 
Authenex sells for $50; you'll pay $150 for Griffin Technol- 
ogy's SecuriKey. ® Lately, Innogear's Duex mp302 (pictured 
right) has occupied our laptop's USB port. The portable MP3 
player operates as a voice recorder and storage device housed 
in a gadget the size of a pack of gum. A single AAA battery 
powers 12 hours of playback and the 128MB memory stores two 
hours of MP3 music. Pop off the bottom and a plug is exposed 
that connects to a USB port. Innogear includes a neckstrop, but 
the Duex mp302 is small enough to stash in your front pants 


pocket without looking like a pervert ($180). 


Video game graphics are improving by 
bounces and jiggles. Breasts are the new 
benchmark of video game realism, and 
programmers inspired by Lara Croft's 
size Ds are using physics modeling to 
re-create every 
shake and shim- 
my. Dead or Alive 
Xtreme Beach Vol- 
leyball (by Tecmo, 
for Xbox) and 
BMX XXX (by Ac- 
claim, for Play- 
Station 2, Xbox 
and GameCube) 
are the latest per- 
petrators in the 


— JASON BUHRMESTER 


big-breast blowup. Xtreme Volleyball 
features bikini-clad characters from Tec- 
mo's popular fighting series in a sand- 
kicking spikefest. The company calls the 
idea "sports fantasy simulation" so you 
don't feel creepy picking out a bikini 
(there are more than 100) for your babe 
1o wear. Debauchery is the point of BMX 
XXX. Players maneuver a bike-riding 
stripper through bums and streetwalk- 
ers while wrangling midget clowns or 
uniting a pink poodle and a horny mutt. 
Nudity and profanity carned it the first 
17+ rating in action sports game histo- 
ry. Both of these games go great with a 
few buddies and some beers, but nei- 
ther makes it much further than novelty 


Marboro end Basic are registered trademarks of Phi Mora Incaporaed 
Win. Camel, and Doral are regatred trademarks o RU Raynolds Tobacco Company. 

Lights Menthol, 12 mg. "tar", 1.0 mg. nicotine; Lights, 12 mg. "tar", 1.3 mg. 
nicotine; Filter, 16 mg. "tar", 1.3 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC 
method. Actual deliveries will vary based on how you hold and smoke your 
cigarette. For more product information, visit our website at www.bw.com 


SURGEON GENERAUS WARNING: Cigarette 


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


LONGER 


Filtered Pall Mall gives you more 
puffs than other major brands 


Pall Mall 
Camel 
Doral 
Winston 
Marlboro 
Basic 


PUFFS 7 8 9 10 


Avg. Puffs Per Cigarette 
Source: B&W Analytical Test Results (FTC Method) 
Comparison of Pall Mall, Marlboro, Winston, Camel, 
Doral and Basic King Size Filter Box 


status. For serious gaming we'll stick to 
Splinter Cell and Resident Evil Zero. 
— JASON BUHRMESTER 


The Getaway (by Sony, for PlayStation 2) 
has a gritty edge and 
an intertwined plot 
that unfolds like a 
Guy Ritchie film (and 
we don't mean Swept 
Auay). The story fol- 
lows a former bank 
robber, Mark Ham- 
mond, whose dreams 
of going straight 
don't jibe with the 
plans of the local 
crime bosses who have kidnapped his 
son. The gameplay puts you in car chas- 
es and gunfights around 40 square kilo- 
meters of London, past famous streets 
and landmarks. To keep the action rivet- 
ing, Sony used actors to supply the voices 
and motion-captured moves. The result 
is a combination of Driver and Grand 
Theft Auto smoothed out Brit style. 
—ENID BURNS 


Most war games toss you 
h straight into 
the trencl 
es with lii 
tle more than 
a weapon and 
a prayer. Battle- 
field 1942 (by EA, 
for PC) gives you ac- 
cess to what you really 
need to win a war: tanks, planes, 
battleships, heavy artillery and, most im- 
portant, allies. Sign on as one of the five 
major World War II forces and square 
off against up to 64 people simultane- 
ously in an online team match. Send 
your scouts ahead with sniper rifles and 
then call on a teammate to send in the 
heavy bombers for an airstrike. 
— DARREN GLADSTONE. 


Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee (by In- 
fogames, for GameCube) might be just 
the game you need to quell the resent- 

ment you've been 


harboring for San 

Francisco since they blew the World Se- 
ries. Choose among more than 14 mon- 
sters from Godzilla classics and tear 
down one of 10 cities. One to four play- 
ers can fight it out using grabs, punches 
or even a small building to beat oppo- 
34 nents into submission. —J8. 


VINYL VAULT er 
Frank's Vinyl Mu- 
seum (franklarosa. 
com/vinyl/) is the 
"Internet Home of 
Weird Records." 
Frank is the unoffi- 
cial archivist of the 
oddest, stupidest and scariest LPs ever 
pressed. How odd? Try a forgotten Sev- 
enties gem called Ali and His Gang Vs. Mr. 
Tooth Decay, offering songs and lectures 
by Muhammad Ali on maintaining good 
dental hygiene. After I learned about 
Ali's interest in preventing tooth decay, I 
clicked on the sugar-coated link to The 
Monsters Go Disco, a 25-year-old card- 
board record that appeared on boxes of 
Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo 
Berry. I cleared my musical palette by 
listening to selections from Evel Knie- 
vel's unspeakably bizarre spoken-word 
album. Trust me, you have to listen to it. 


PICTURES OF $200K HITTING A 
WALL AT 100 MPH 


There's something perversely satisfying 
about browsing through the gallery of 
car crash photos at 
wreckedexotics. 
com. While it's not 
fun to think about 
people being hurt 
in wrecks, it is 
amazing to see the 
more than 1500 
examples of how 
easy it is to destroy 
a vehicle that costs as much as a decent 
house. The publisher of Wrecked Ex- 
otics estimates the total damage seen on 
the site to be close to a quarter of a bil- 
lion dollars. In addition to pictures of 
Lamborghinis, Lotuses and Hummers 
that have been smashed to smithereens, 
melted into blobs or squashed under 
semis, there's a gallery of weird wrecks. 
My favorite shot shows a car that end- 
ed up suspended between a pier and a 
yacht. The driver's door is open, sug- 
gesting the occupants bailed out as soon 
as they figured out what had happened. 


NEWS FOR NEWS JUNKIES 


If you look at the bottom of the front 
page for Google News (news.google. 
com), you'll read the following: “The se- 
lection and placement of stories on this 
page were determined automatically by 
a computer program.” The continually 
updated site works by examining more 
than 4000 news sources on the web, and 
then applying computer power to ana- 
lyze the stories, rank their importance 
and categorize them. The result is a page 


online 


of fresh news with links to the original 
articles. You can also search for news sto- 
ries up to 30 days old. Leave it to the ge- 
niuses at Google to come up with some- 
thing this marvelous. 


LEGROOM LOVERS REJOICE 


A friend who flies almost weekly turned 
me on to seatguru.com, a site that shows 
the best seats on the different types of 
aircraft flown by American, Continental, 
Delta, Northwest, United and US Air- 
ways. Just click on a plane—United Boe- 
ing 747-400 (a.k.a. 744) for instance—to 
see a bird's-eye color-coded view of its 
seating arrangement. Get- 

ting a seat in row six of 
the 744 is bad news if 
you have long legs, be- 
cause they're close to 
the bulkhead. But if you 
have short legs and don't 
mind stowing your lug- 


gage overhead, row six is 
ideal, because nobody can 
recline into you and you'll. « 
be first off the plane. The . 


best bet for those in coach 
are the center seats in rows 25 and 26, 
which are "very quiet and have tons of 
legroom.” But if you are flying in 19A or 
B on an American Boeing 767, you're in 
fora rough ride: The seats provide lousy 
legroom, they don't recline very far and 
yov're right next to the galley. 

—MARK FRAUENFELDER 


Tm 


QUICK HITS 


You'll be known as the “cool uncle" 
when you buy toys for your nephew 
at sweatyfrog.com. . . . Just dropped 
in to New York or LA? Check out 
dailycandy.com to find out where 
to go for food and fun. London is 
next. .. . See what happens when a 
gang of chemistry geeks get their. 
lands on a brick of sodium (a high- 
ly unstable element that explodes in 
water) and throv it into a lake at 
theodoregray.com/periodictable/st 
ories/011.2/. . - . Hello, I'm Dirty 
Jack Flint. Discover your own pirate 
name at fidius.org/quiz/pirate.php. 


librere 


FEMMES FATALES EAR CANDY 
On Blondes (Bloomsbury) by Joanna Pitman isa quirky history This year's audiobook standouts include a humorist who 
of hair color. Images of Aphrodite were the first to associate breaks up Yalies, Stacy Keach channeling Hemingway and 
blonde hair with beauty and sexuality, inspiring Greek prosti- folks who jump the shark. Garrison Keillor: A Life in Comedy 


tutes to dye their hair with pigeon dung. In medieval times, — (HighBridge), culled from 
men feared blondes, but when artists began to portray the appearances at the Yale 
Virgin Mary as a flaxen angel, Rep last year, finds the 
blondes became pillars of mellow-voiced author tell- 
virtue. During the Renais- ing his news from Lake 
sance, couples tried to con- Wobcgon. The fish-vault- 
ceive children under the sign ing comes courtesy of Jon 
of Venus to increase the like- Hein, creator of jumpthe 
lihood that their offspring shark.com, a website that 
would be beautiful blondes. spots the moments when 
In the early 1800s, blonde good television goes bad 
hair became associated with (named for the Happy Days 
cheap women who liked to get episode in which the Fonz 
drunk. Victorian-era women skies over shark-infested 
made blonde hair fashionable waters). The Jump the Sharks 
again by wearing pieces of When Good Things Go Bad 
jewelry made from it. The Na- audiotape (Listen and Live) 
zis turned blonde hair into a expands to self-defeating 
symbol of moral purity, cleanli- moments in film, sports 
ness and intellectual and phys- A PITMAN and politics as well. Short narratives that forged Hemingway's 
ical superiority. After the war reputation (The Snows of Kilimanjaro, Up in Michigan) are given 
ended, Hollywood invented splendid narration by Stacy Keach in volume one of Ernest Hem- 


WHAT EXACTLY 1s 


Bono мата? 


the dumb blonde to encourage women to be good house- ingway: The Short Stories (Simon and Schuster). For more con- 
wives. But as Hef knows from personal experience, blondes temporary lean-and-mcan writing, there's George Pelecanos' 
aren't stupid. Hillary Clinton runs New York, Madonna heads new streetwise saga, Soul Circus (Brilliance), in which dicks Der- 
the music industry and Diane Sawyer is ABC's Everywoman. ek Strange and Terry Quinn struggle to stop a drug war in the 
Is hair color a coincidence? Not likely. — PATTY LAMBERTI nation's capital. It's a powerful yarn. — DICK LOCHTE 


RACE RELATIONS 

In suburban neighborhoods 
where white kids blast Xzibit or 
DMX and sport Sean John gear, 
ghetto life has been deemed 
fabulaus. In Everything But 


Even though the music labels have done their damnedest to 
kill the format, singles are still the best 
way ta listen to songs. In This Is Uncool the Burden: What White Peo- 

(Cassell), Brit music writer Garry Mul- ple Are Taking From Black Cul- 

holland selects his top 500 singles af EVERYTHING ture (Broadway), Greg Tate and 
Deere BUT THE BURDEN iE EEE ren 

quss MEN with plenty af U.S. R&B (Comeo's plex racial questions. Tate says, 
Candy) and UK punk (Siauxsie and y ma чома a They've’ always tried ta erase 
ae en) тон macn curat | the black presence from what- 

but Mulhalland's paint is ta get you LUI PEL 


A a shine to." While a few of the 
thinking. And the pictures are great. LEOPOLD FROEHLICH a ah eno 


wake-up calls. —ALISON PRATO 


STUBBORN KIND OF FELLOW 
Berry Gordy modeled Motown after De- 
troit's auto industry, complete with an 
assembly-line pracess that provided 
ortists with dance, voice and etiquette 
lessons. Gerald Posner's Motown: Mon- 
ey, Power, Sex and Music (Random House) 
details the grueling demands of the 
star-making machine and the dam- 
аде it caused to Motown artists. Mar- 
vin Goye is the most engaging, but 
Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder and 
Diana Ross complele the cast of this 
thrilling read. —JASON BUHRMESTER 


RALD PON Elf 


PLAYBOY 


36 


HEAVILY CARVED, 

SILVER PLATED, 
PRECISION MADE— 

A TIMEPIECE TO ENJOY, (s 
TODAY AND FOR YEARS ¥ 
TO COME, 


Jack DANIELS OLD No.7 POCKET WarcH 


Measuring minutes has never been much of a pastime in the Tennessee 
hills. Generally things happen about when they're supposed to, give or 
take a day. Which isn't to say folks here don't appreciate a fine watch. 

Owning a good timepiece, like sipping Jack Dani pleasure 
to be enjoyed. So the Jack Daniel: Old No. 7 Pocket Watch was made to 
please. There's heft to this watch when it sits in the hand. A satisfying 
feel when you rub your thumb over the sculp- 
tured case. (Which, by the way, includes a 
portrait of Mr. Jack himself.) 

When you open this fine imported watch, 
you'll see another familiar sight. The famous 
Jack Daniels Old No. 7 logo, just as it 
appears on our bottles. 

If you'd like to own the Jack 
Daniels Old No. 7 Pocket Watch, 
we'll gladly sell you one. The price 
is $58.50, fair we think for a 
watch of this quality. The case is 
silver plated, the pouch is leather. 
And the movement is a marvel of 
quartz technology. So if you do 
need to know the time, this watch 
won't ler you down. 

To order, fill out the coupon 
and mail it to us. We'll do the rest. 


Watch 
shown 
actual 

size. 


JACK DANIELS and OLD NO. 7 ме registered trae 


“ALL GOODS 
WORTH 
PRICE CHARGED” 
Jack Daniels Limited guarantees 
your complete satisfaction. IF 
you are not satisfied with any 
purchase, for any reason, we will 
gladly retur your money 


There's fine workmanship on 
the silver-plated watch case. 


MAIL THIS FORM BY FEBRUARY 28, 2003 


JACK DANIELS® LIMITED 
Р.О. Box 7777, Lynchburg TN 37352-7777 


1 do indeed wish to order the Jack Daniel's Old 
No. 7 Pocket Watch, complete with chain and 
leather storage pouch 

I understand that no payment is required 
with my order, and that I will be billed for my 
walch in 3 monthly installments of $19.50* 

hs $5.98 

Aro 


Onder 


Name 


ADDRESS — 


) Ду; 
(WHISKEY ) 
«686—2 


The indide story on " Daniel's 
is on the outside of these fine glasses. 


There's a bit of history in every sip of Jack Daniel's”. Irs a history 
that goes back to 1866, when Jack Daniel first opened his distillery. 
A history that includes many famous whiskies, and many famous 
whiskey bottles. 

Friends of Mr. Jack can now enjoy his fine work in an equally 
fine collection of shor glasses inspired by these legendary bottles 
and decanters. There are 18 shot glasses in all, each with a style. 
and a story all its own. 

We think you'll enjoy these “inside stories” about Jack Daniel's. 
Almost as much as you'll enjoy wrapping your fingers around each 
historic glass. Some are pewter, some are glass, some are sparkling 
crystal. Bur they're all satisfying to hold in the hand. 

To show off your collection, theres a handsome display. Our name 
is at the ор, branded into barrel wood from one of our own barrels. 

z E scribe to the 
Shor Glass 
Collection, wed be pleased to send you 
one imported glass a month. The price 
is just $12.95 per glass, and there's no 
charge for the display. 

To subscribe, fill out the coupon 
and mail it to us. We'll do the rest. 


The "Whiting" glass is taken from 
a Scenes from Lynchburg boule. 


JACK DANIELS and OLD NO 7 are reg 
and амай under license, 03005 Jack Damit 


od sradernarks 
Ш eights reserve 


“ALL GOODS 
WORTH 
PRICE CHARGED" 
Jack Daniels Limited guarantees 

ашт 
you are not satisfied with any 
purchase. or any rcasun. we will 
ally renum your money 


MAIL THIS FORM BY FEBRUARY 28, 2003 


JACK DANIELS” LIMITED 
P.O, Box 7777, Lynchburg TN 37352-7777 


1 do indeed wish to subscribe to the Legends of 
Jack Daniel's Shot Glass Collection, and receive 
my 18 shot glasses at the rate of one a month. 

1 understand that no payment is required 
now. Bill me just $12.95" per glass and send 
the custom display at no added cost. | can 
cancel my subscription at any time. 

т Mes $625 po gl ordin (512.94 o he diga) Orden 


зеи 


to aceptan А Жа ax will be added. 
1 
Name 
ADDRESS Т 
Сит. STATE — Zip. Я 
TEL EVA: === 
2922003 


WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, DUDE? 


To the delight of road tippers every- 
where, Playboy Radio has debuted on 
XM Satellite Radio. Night Calls, the wild- 
ly popular phone-in program hosted 
by Juli Ashton and Tiffany Granath, is 
the first Playboy TV show to cross over 
the airwaves. "You have to subscribe to 
Playboy Radio, which means we can do a 


PLAYBOY RADIO, 


real adult show," says Night Calls radio 
producer Farrell Hirsch, who is also a 
segment producer on Playboy TV's In- 
side Adult and Night Calls 411. “We can 
say the words they can't say on broadcast 
radio and cover topics that aren't nor- 
mally covered. Night Calls TV is like hot, 
anonymous, quickie sex. The radio show 
is like an addictive, illicit affair. People 
throughout the country hear who these 
famous women are sleeping with, what 
they re doing in bed, how much they like 
it and what makes them come. It's in- 
credibly intimate.” Doing three hours a 


Rodio's Night 
Calls host Tif- 
fony Gronoth 
(lef) kicks up 
her heels in 
the studio. 
Above: Tiffany 
ond Juli Ash- 
ton give lis- 
teners an on- 
air thrill. 


day of live radio has reinvigorated hosts 
Juli and Tiffany for the Playboy TV ver- 
sion of their show. “The girls have so 
much chemistry and confidence that the 
TV show has become exponentially bet 
ter,” says Will Robertson, Playboy TV's 
Night Calls producer. “They're relaxed. 
They massage each other's feet in the 
booth. During commercials, thi 
sunflower seed-spitting fights 
truckers who listen have given Juli and 
Tiffany CB handles—Juli is “the Back- 
door Dreamer” and Tiffany is “the Pam- 
pered Princess"—and are teaching ev- 


eryone trucker lingo, in 
cluding tales of “lot liz- 
ards,” the girls they meet 
at truck stops. "There's a 
girl in Kansas who wants 
to have a gang bang, so 
she keeps calling the show 
and telling wuckers where 
to find her along the inter- 
state,” says Hirsch. Lest you 
think it’s all about sex, Night 
Calls radio features musical 
guests such as Rick James 
and Digital Underground as 
well as authors, wrestlers, 
porn stars and the Puppetry 
of the Penis guys. “One guest 
broke the world record for 
the most male orgasms in one 
hour by coming 21 times,” says 
Hirsch. (OK, so maybe it is all sex.) Night 
Calls is the first Playboy Radio show, but 
it won't be the last. "We plan to build this 
radio station in 
phas 
Hirsch. 
second phase, 
we'll add some 
programs from 
Playboy TV as 
is. Phase three 
will feature live 


“People hear 
who the wom- 
en are sleep- 
ing with, wha’ 
they’re doing 


original shows in bed, how 
created spe- 
cifically for 53-02-04 


Playboy Radio. 
We want to be 
an escape for 
adult listen- 
ers.” Sounds a 
lot better than 
those annoying Howard Stern wannabes 
and drive-time DJs. To get an earful of 
hosts Juli Ashton and ‘Tiffany Granath 
on a regular basis, subscribe to Playboy 
Radio at playboyradio.xmradio.com. 


like it and 
what makes 
them come.” 


Astroglide personal lubricant. 

Sex will never be the same. But whatever you do, don't take our word 

for it. Call 1-866-TRY-ASTRO or go to astroglide.com to get a free 

sample sent right to your door. Or if you're ready to jump right in, you 

сай sucia 'some up at the big name store where you already shop. 
Just don't say we didn't warn you. 


STROGLIDE' 
e 
Wake the Neighbors" 


39 


40 


SHE SCORES, WE SHOOT 


As long as the world has strippers, the question 
remains: How does a regular guy score with 
one? We asked the women of Scores—the New 
York City gentlemen's club frequented by How- 
ard Stern and Madonna—for their insights. 
Then we photographed the strippers without 
their G-strings for Playboy.com. “Guys should 
never try too hard,” says Nancy Erminia, a former 
Scores girl and Playboy Special Editions cover 
model. “It's not good when a guy talks about 


how much mon- 
ey he has and 
then doesn't 
spend it. If you 
want a girl to sit 
with you fora 
while, you have 
to spend a lot. 
Don't hang out 
and give her 
nothing.” For 
more tips and 
tits, check out 
Playboy.com. 


DMX: DOWN AND DIRTY 


When rapper DMX rolled into our Chi- 
cago photo studio to act as guest photog- 
rapher, he had one thing to say: "Wo 
is getting harder every day." After he re- 
ceived a quick camera lesson from the 
PLAYBOY pros, model Heather McQuaid 
gave him a flash. "Yeah, I like this," he 


said. DMX has sold some 
20 million albums, written 
an autobiography and 
stolen scenes from Steven 
Seagal in Exil Wounds. His 
new movie, Cradle 2 to the 
Grave, is set for release 

this spring. Despite his 
| résumé, he says he's al- 

ways wanted to shoot for 
PLAYBOY. "Pose me any way you want," 
Heather said to DMX as she climbed 
onto a fur-covered bed. For the next 
few hours, DMX took Heather's advice, 
at one point posing her with her legs 
crossed in the sexiest X you've ever seen. 
"Aw, shit DMX said after the shoot 
*How could anyone not love this?" Go 
behind the scenes in the Arts and Enter- 
tainment section of Playboy.com and 


More Scores advice: 
“А guy spent $5000 
and wanted it back 
when | wouldn't go 
with him. Rightl" 


then take a look at his nude shots of 
Heather at cyber.playboy.com 


MORE, MORE AMORE 


Chocolate is sweet, lingerie is sexy and 
diamonds can be your ticket down her 
pants. But if you want to drive your wom- 
an really wild this Valentine's Day, try 
talking dirty to her in a language other 
than her own. Think a putana is an It 
ian pasta dish? That's where we come in. 
Go to playboy.com/international, where 


our narrator teaches you how to say key 
phrases such as “You're so beautiful,” 
“I love your ass” and “Was it good for 
you?" in German, French, Spanish and 
Italian. Open your mouth for guaran- 
teed amore. 


CYBER GIRL OF 
THE MONTH 


MARY BETH DECKER. Fovorite free- 
fime activity: "Morgoritos with the girls.” 
Other favorite things to do: Dancing 
and working out. Jab before Playboy 
Bortender. Fovorite website: Bebe.com. 
What makes a woman sexy? "Confi- 
dence. # a woman feels sexy, it shows 
Feople will pick up on her auro 
and think she's sexy, toa.” 
What makes о man sexy? 
"Spontaneity. | like same- 


one who's opinionated but sensitive. He 
has to have a sense of humor. | love o 
man who can make me laugh without 
trying toa hard.” 


team rider: justin. matteson. 


www.dahui.com 


Playboystore. 


Р) Р) і 


T 


тай, please send 
ог money order to: 


rce Code 09401 
sea, IL 60143-0809 


95 shipping and handling 
ata A огде 


r. Illinois 


LS 


QUSMETA 
ВЕ. 


flair of a Playboy Centerfold, 


chain is fashioned in stunn 

stering silver. The Rabbit 

has a Swarovski crystal 

Gift-boxed. 

C. RH6677 Sterling Silver — 
Playmate Pendant $72 1 


a 


Ws, 


Holiday bright spot. Adorn 

wrist or slide this beauty up her 

arm—either way, our steel 

band with a sterling silver 

Head is a scene stealer! 

D. RH8110 Rabbit Head 
Steel Mesh Band $45 


Rabbit rapture. А new oma 
for her sexy stomach—our 
plated Rabbit Head navel ring 
a twinkling Swarovski crystal 
E. RH8104 Rabbit Head 
Navel Ring $39 q 


800-423-94 


By ASA BABER 


THIS COLUMN 15 dedicated to those chil- 
dren and fathers trapped in one of lile's 


which child custody is disputed. (Let's 
call an honorable divorce one in which 
child custody is jointly shared and the 
children have fuil access to their parents 
and stepparents.) 

Having been through an angry di- 
vorce in my first marriage (and an hon- 
orable one in my second), I know some- 
thing about both. I can tell you straight 
that no other day of my life will be as 
painful as the day 1 was forced to sur- 
render my sons to someone I did not 
trust, aware of the fact that contact with 
my kids would be limited and my right 
n their lives would be continually 
challenged. The odds had been stacked 
against me from day one in the courts. 
So I am now, during this month of flow- 
ers and candy and cuteness, writing to 
all those fathers and children who are 
caught in divorce hell. The agony y 
experience as your family bonds are 
torn apart is a natural reaction to a sys- 
tem in which joint custody is still not the 
law of the land—because, as many a di- 
vorced dad can tell you, even with joint 
custody, it can be a struggle to protect ac- 
cess to your kids. Without joint custody? 
Forget it. 

What follows is a rapid-fire checklist 
for fathers as they confront a bitter and 
contested divorce. Consider it a collec- 
tion of informed dos and don'ts and take 
what you can use. (To those readers who 
are not yet fathers, cut this page out and 
ve it. Because roughly half of all mar- 
riages eventually are dissolved, there is a 
chance this information will be useful to 
you sometime in the future.) 


su 


BEFORE YOU GO TO COURT 


‘Try to avoid court. It isn't a good place 
for you, especially if you have youn- 
ger children (in most jurisdictions, the 
children are awarded to the mother a 
high percentage of the time, when she 
nts then). 

Think about hiring a mediator and 
getting both parties to the bargaining 
table in a more informal proceeding 
than you would find in court. Mediation 
is more frequently used these days, and 
st step. (Some lawyers spe- 
tion, and mediators are 
often listed in the phone book.) 

Before you hire your cousin Vinny to 
be your lawyer, research the subject of 
orce and find out which lawyers spe- 
ize in divorce with a focus on fathers" 
rights. 

No matter which lawyer you hire, be 
prepared for the speech (“I will repre- 
sent you, but 1 must tell you that divorce 


VALENTINES 
AND HELLFIRE 


courts are not necessarily friendly to fa- 
thers"). That is a fair warning, but watch 
your lawyer carefully, and if he seems to 
be too much of a defeatist, move on to 
another lawyer—if you can afford pay- 
ing another retainer. (1 hate to add that 
caveat, but you and I know that few men 
have the money to hire first-class repre- 
sentation in a divorce and then sce the 
battle through to the bitter end.) 

From the first day of the divorce pro- 
cess, keep a written record of everything 
that happens concerning these matter 
(names, dates, incidents). You are proba- 
bly nodding in agreement with this sug- 
gestion, but I ask you to read it again 
and then do it. Write down everything 
that is relevant when it happens. Your 
memory will not stand up under the 
stress of courtroom appearances (possi 
bly months or years later). 

Ask yourself which parent, in all hon- 

sty, would be better for the children. Al- 
so ask yourself if you have the financial 
resources and psychological strength to 
go through a battle for custody. 

Learn about the judges who might sit 
on your case. Have your lawyer consid- 
er requesting another judge if you are 
assigned one who seems to be prejudiced 
against men and fathers. 

Do not move out of your house unles 
ordered to by a court or advised by a 
professional you respect. (If you leave 
voluntarily ithout a court order—even 
if you're only trying to keep the peace— 
it can be argued later that you voluntz 
ly surrendered your role as a full-time 
husband and father.) 

Even if you are ordered out of your 
home by the court, make every effort 
10 spend time with your children—and 


keep a record of that, too. If you are de- 
nied reasonable time, go to court imme- 
diately on that issue alone. Remember, at 
times it will be painful to be with your 
children, as you realize that they may be 
lost to you. Nonetheless, it is your obli- 
gation to face that discomfort and move 
through it like a man, not a head case. 

Do not tell your children horror sto- 
ries about their mother. Do not reveal 
the specifics of your finances, dating his- 
tory (if any) or legal tactics. When you do 
these things, you throw your children in- 
to a blaze of doubt and confusion. Your 
job is to let them be kids when they are 
with you. 


DURING AND AFTER TRIAL 


Become teur accountant and 
lawyer. Stay organized, keep copies of all 
transcripts and proceedings, fight with 
everything you haye to keep your chil- 
dren from having to appear in court and 
publicly choose a favored parent. Make 
sure you get specific vis 
you lose custody, and enforce them via 
the law if those rights are messed with. 
Accept the fact that most angry ex- 
will try to punish you long after the 
divorce by toying with your visitation 
schedule. 

Do not sign any decree or settlement. 
until you understand every word; do not 
be sloppy about rewriting insurance and 
trusts and wills; do not let your ego get 
in the way of a reasonable settlement 
(your goal is to get out of this conflagra- 
ion, not fan the flames). 

After the divorce, remain in touch 
h your children as much as possible 
(whether you have joint custody or no 
custody). 

Obey the divorce agreement to the let- 
ter, even if your ex-wife violates it consi 
tently. Be sure your behavior is impecca- 
ble, so you will have a strong case if you 
return to court, 

Keep a complete record of all financial 
support you give your children. There 
every chance that, after the settlement, 
your former wife will try to up the ante 
and sue for more child support. Her es- 
timates of what you have spent will be 
quite different from yours. 
inally, before, during and after court, 
forgive yourself for the many mistakes 
you made, start a new life with courage 
and hope, fight off sentimentality when 
dealing with your children, do not re- 
play the divorce for them (even if th 
mother does) and repeat to them, day af- 
ter day (until they make gagging sounds 
and tell you to shut up), “I never di- 
vorced you and I never will. You are 
stuck with me for life, and 1 am here to 
show you what a good man can be.” 


41 


DISCOVER YOU 


R INNER" 
OFF) 


hey...1Us personal 


Anyone who's ever shot a round at Pebble Beach will recognize the legendary, 
seventh hole pictured here, the graveyard of countless golf balls. Equally pic- 
turesque but far less frustroting is Casa Palmero, a new bautique resürt just a 
chip shot away from the links. Its Mediterranean orchitecture, rosebuúsh-lirted 
walkways and grand fountain ak the entrance remind us of a European estate. 
Surrounding the renovated main house, which was built in 1927, are 24 addi- 
tional private guest rooms: Rooms begin at $625 per night, double occuparicy. 
The luxurious five-room Palmero suite is $1950. Weary duffers will'welcafne an- 
‘other Casa Palmero perk: The resort is adjacent to the Spa at Pebble Beach. 


Government Links 


The next time you fly first- 
closs, wear o French-cuffed 
shirt ond Centrol Intelli- 
gence Agency cuff links. 
When your seotmate asks if 
you work for the company, 
soy, "IF I told you, ld have 
to kill you." On second 
thought, given the current 
stote of airport edginess, 
moybe thot’s not о good ideo. 
All the cuff links pictured here are 
genuine. You don't hove to work for the 
government—or visit Camp Dovid—to own them. Prices ore os fol- 
lows: Centrol Intelligence Agency ($175), Bureou of Alcohol, To- 
bocco ond Fireorms ($125), Secret Service ($195), Presidentiol Re- 
treot ot Comp Dovid ($225) ond Federal Bureau of Investigation 
($150). Robert Vonce Lid., a men's clothing store in Lincolnshire, 
Illinois, has o limited supply of eoch on hand. 


\DING 
¡GER 
JOINTS: 


MANTRACK _ 


Celebrity Dirt 


The goody bags given to the present- 
ers at the 2002 Emmy Awards includ- 
ed the new Dyson DCO7 vacuum clean- 
er. Now you know what Martin 
Sheen, Kelsey Grommer ond Mott 
LeBlanc clean their cribs with. To 
put it bluntly, this new English- 
) mode vocuum reolly sucks. All 
those cigorette butts your 
friends left on the stoirs ofter 
lost weekend's porty con be 
picked up with o 17-foot quick- 
drow hose. There are no bags 
Т 10 empty—you just pull o trig- 
| | ger and the dust contoiner 
dumps itself. The mochine, in 
case you wondered, works with 
potented Root Cyclone technol- 
ogy. lts g forces, cloims the 
company, ore 33,000 times the 
9 forces experienced by Formu- 
la 1 drivers. Still not convinced? 
Dyson also invented the Ball- 
borrow and Woterolla. 
Price: $400 ond up. 
(There's even o model 
thot comes with a cor- 
pet-care kit.) Good luck 
getting your girlfriend 
to weor o French 
moid ouffit while 
she's tidying up. 


ч 


Italian Bread Winner 


The next time you're in the mood for a robust soup, 
serve it with bruschetto. To moke, ploce slices of crusty 
Italian breod under a broiler and cook until golden. 
Then brush the breod with olive oil and rub the slices 
with the cut side of o gorlic clove. Sprinkle with sea salt, 
pormesan ond 


cracked block 
pepper, or top 
with diced toma- 
toes ond o little 
fresh oregono. 
For o topper to 
the soup, try 
pesto made with 
olive oil, mint 
leaves, parsley, 
pine nuts ond 
pormeson. Rec- 
ipes for these 
and other un- 
complicoted dish- 
es are in Donno 
Hoy’s Modem 
Classics Book 1, o 
Horper Collins ti- 
tle thot's $24.95. 


Clothesline: Christian Fletcher 


Surfing icon Christion Fletcher, known for his aerials, hod his 
own clothing line in the lote Eighties ond eorly Nineties. Todoy, 
he soys, “I 
weor who- 
ever's poy- 
ing me to 
be worn." 
Right now 
it's Vans, 
but he olso 
likes his 
Col-Irvine 
woler polo 
T-shirt (his 
greot-uncle 
is the teom's 
coach) ond 
o Ho Chi 
Minh Troil 
T-shirt that 
photogra- 
pher Bruce 
Weber 
brought 
from Vietnam. All thot pales alongside Fletcher's true means of 
self-expression—o nose ring, dogger neckloce ond tottoos. “My 
girlfriend's not too fond of them, but I'm still getting them.” 


Guys Are Talking About... 
Plasma digital TVs. Most television sets you con hang on a wall 
sell for as much as a new car. Gateway’s 42-inch model (pictured 
here) will drop your bank balance by only $2999. How do they do 
it? By eliminating the retail middlemen, such as Best Buy and Circuit 
City, Gateway stares stock the GTW-P42M102, € Going beddy- 
bye in the sky. If you're flying in Singapore Airlines’ Raffles 
Class, you don't have to curl up like a pretzel. Available on 
most routes, SIA’s SpaceBeds recline flat. If you 
ask nicely, the airline attendant may 
even tuck you in. While 
awake, Space- 
Bedders can 
watch programs 
on a 10-inch 
high-resolution 
monitor or 
challenge other 
passengers to 
multiplayer 
video games. 
(Forget about 
air-to-air com- 
bat.) е The 
written word. If your handwrit- 
ing looks like a chicken walked across the page, maybe the 
new Paper Mate Pendulum pen will help. It's a swivel-tip 
ballpoint thot adjusts itself to an individual's writing style— 
a “first-ever breakthrough,” according to the company. For 
$3.85, how can you go wrong? 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 14 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking 
By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal 
Injury, Premature Binh, And Low Birth Weight. 


Jamie Ireland is a 
freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel 


‘the i inside stor i5 on yon hea Ith 


Advertisement 


hot spot 


Leaming "The Ropes: 


he month | gota letter from a 
reader in Texas, about a “little secret" 
| that has made her love life with her 
husband absolutely explosive. (Those 
Texans know therr stuff, let me tell you.) 


Tina writes: 


Dear Jamie, 

Last month, my husband returned 
from a business trip in Europe, he was 
hotter and homier than ever before, with 
more passion and sexual energy than 
hed had for years. It was incredible. 
He flat wore me out! And the best 
part of all—he was having multiple 
orgasms. | know what you're thinking. 
men don't have multiples. That's what 
| | thought, too. But his newfound vigor 
| and excitement stimulated me, too, 
| and before we knew п, we were both 
| basking in the glow of the best sex of 
our lives. 

Wed tried tantric stuff in the past, and 
the results were so-so. But this was 
something new and exciting, completely 
out of the ordinary. | asked my husband 
what had created such a dramatic 
change in our lovemaking, and he told 
me hed finally learned "the ropes." 

On the last night of his business trip, 
my husband spent an evening dining. 
out with a Swedish nutritionist and 
his wife of 20 years. The couple was 
obviously still quite enamored with 
each other, so my husband asked their 
secret. The nutritionist told him their 
sex life was more passionate than ever. 
Then he pulled a small bottle from his 
satchel and gave it to my husband. 


sex 


by Jamie Ireland 


The bottle contained a ratural 
supplement that the nutritionist told 
my husband would teach him “the 
ropes” of good sex 
My husband takes the supplement 

every day. The supply from the 
nutritionist is about to run out, and we 
desperately want to know how we 
can find more. Do you know anything 
about “the ropes," and can you tell us 
how ve can find it in the States? 

Sincerely, 

Tina С. 

Ft. Worth, Texas 


TE you and the rest of our readers 
are in luck, because it just so happens 
I do know about the ropes, and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 

The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
called Mioplex Pure Extract. It's a 
supplement specially formulated to 
trigger better orgasmic experiences in 
men. The best part, from a woman's 
perspective, Is that the motion and 


experience a man can achieve with 
Mioplex Pure Extract can help 
stimulate our own orgasms, bringing 
a whole new meaning to the term 
simultaneous climax. 

The term used by the Swedish 
nutritionist is actually fairly common 
slang for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions 
and heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because 
of the rope-like effect of release during 
climax. In other words, as some 
people have said, "it just keeps coming 
and coming” 

As tar as finding it in the States, | know 
of just one importer—Böland Naturals, 
Inc. If you are interested, you can 
contact them at 1-866-MIOPLEX or 
Mioplex.com. Mioplex is all-natural 
and safe to take. All the people I've 
Spoken with have said taking the 
one-a-day tablet has led to the roping 
effect Tina described in her letter. 

Aren't т] glad you asked? 


Jill) Ireland 


Ше Playboy Advisor 


Recently my boyfriend informed me 
that he sees women all the time who he 
wants to have sex with. That made me 
feel insecure and paranoid. It's not that I 
don't fantasize about other guys, but I 
keep my thoughts private and I don't 
harbor the images for longer than that 
son is in my sight. I asked my boy- 
friend how often these fantasies happen; 
he said he couldn't say. When do these 
thoughts become too much for a rela- 
tionship to bear? An: normal to en- 
on others when you are being inti- 
mate with the one you allegedly love? 
Am | asking too much for my lover to fo- 
cus on me when we are having sex?— 
A.H., New York, New York 

Your boyfriend is normal; his mistake, ар- 
parently, was to be honest with you about his 
erotic daydreams. Many women would inter- 
pret that sort of hom is а sign of trust, but 
‘you scalded him for it. That's too bad. If you 
accept that every person is a sexual being, 
and that most men are stimulated visually 
more than women are, it’s easier not to get 
worked up about fantasies —cven those that 
occur in bed. (As Johnny Carson once said, 
when turkeys mate, they think of swans.) The 
important thing isn't whether your boyfriend 
is dreaming about fucking other women but 
whether he's doing it. There is a point where 
your boyfriend may be pushing it—he should 
not be turning his head when he's with you— 
but that’s a matter of etiquette. 


1 have started to notice dark circles un- 
es. Is there a cream that can do 
everything from moisturizing to elimi- 
nating wrinkles?—M_D., Miami, Florida 

A cream can't fix the circles, but il can 
hide them. As we age, the thin skin beneath 
our eyes becomes thinner and wrinkles, mak- 
ing the veins beneath appear more promi- 
nent. People with allergies, eczema, hay fever 
or asthma may have darker circles because 
the veins swell (the traditional cucumber 
treatment is designed to reduce the swelling). 
Our skin care writer, Donald Charles Rich- 
ardson, suggests Surface Optimizing Skin 
Cream by Aramis as a cover-up. If you've 
willing to spend the money, ask a cosmetic 
surgeon about laser treatment. 


In a 43-year-old secretary who's falling 
in love with her married boss. Until a 
few months ago he had been all business. 
But one afternoon he called me “dar- 

ling” and asked if I was “planning to 
stick with him." I felt diz schoolgirl 
realizing her crush. Since that day, we 
have engaged in a flirtation th 
ternately thrilling and excruciat 
haven't gotten physical, but he has in- 
formed me, in a roundabout way, that 
he's well hung, told me to “plug him in 


there tight” when I offered to update his 
planner, let me know that he “loves to 
give me a hard time” and intimated that 
he suspects that [ have to resort to mas- 
turbation after working with him all day. 
When he drove me home from work, I 
became wet sitting so close to him. An- 
other time I was taking dictation when 
Tlooked up at him and we smiled and 
stared at each other for half a minute. Is 
there anything more thrilling than fall- 
ing in love? I suffered from depr 
for many years and my only intimate 
contact with a man was more than 25 


years ago, when I was date-raped as a 
teenager. How can | curtail my randi- 
ness before this situation gets out of 


hand?—L.P, Houston, Texas 

Your background reveals more about this 
situation than anything else. You don't have 
much more sexual experience than a nun. 
We both know what your boss is up to, bul if 
his flirtation leads to an affair, И won't end 
well. The best thing for your emotional well- 
being is to extract yourself, even if that 
means finding another job. You deserve a 
partner who doesn't need to make wisecracks 
to conceal his lust ar betray someone to be 
with you. I's time you make a serious effort 
1o find a relationship that will move your life 
forward. 


M, husband, who is 56, handed me the 
October issue and told me to read the 
Advisor's report on cabergoline, which 
may soon allow men to have mu tiple or- 
gasms. My husband can 


suspect he diffe 
prostitutes as a young man in the Navy. 
He would covertly ejaculate in his hand, 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANAL 


then wipe it on the sheets. That way he 
could get off five or nes for the 
price of one. After reading the column, I 
asked my husband how he was feeling. 
He said that after cabergoline arrives, 
“1 won't have anything special going for 
me except you,” That carned him an af- 
ternooner or two or three, depending 
on how you count—H.H., Los Angeles, 
California 

Your husband has a rare talent—he got 
you undressed with a single line. A number 
of readers took exception to our statement 
thal guys in their 50s may need a day to get 
hard again after orgasm. The recavery times 
we cited were averages, not hard-and-fast 
rules. But if a guy lives long enough, his day 
will come. 


I moved from out of state last year and 
found my cell phone didn't work reli- 
ably. I switched carriers but my new ser- 
vice said it couldn't program the phone, 
even though it was only a month old and 
they sold the same model. Is this a way 
for the wireless carriers to sell phones, 
or is there more to it?—].P., Scottsdale, 
Arizona 

There's more, but not much. First, the ma- 
jor carriers operate on incompatible systems. 
T-Mobile uses the GSM standard, Cingular 
and AT&T use TDMA (but are switching to 
GSM), Sprint and Verizon use CDMA and 
Nextel has its own proprietary system. But 
even if you switched between two carriers us- 
ing the same system, you'd still need а new 
phone. That's because each provider pro- 
grams the subscriber information module in- 
side its phones so they can't be used by other 
carriers. Many people wouldn't mind switch- 
ing even if they had to upgrade their phones, 
but they stay put because they would have to 
give up their phone numbers. The wireless 
companies were supposed to have a system in 
place three years ago to allow customers to 
take their numbers with them, but the FCC 
has extended the deadline several times, most 
recently to November 2003. And it probably 
won't happen then. 


For those readers whose sex lives have 
dried up since the kids arrived, here's 
what works to keep my husband and me 

five or six nights a week: (1) Hire 
sitter once а week while you go for a 
walk, hold hands and talk. (2) Be a help- 
mate—there’s nothing sexier than a man 
who folds socks or massages feet during 
Monday Night Football. (3) Clean hou: 
if car and nose hair was gross on your 
grandfather, they are not attractive on 
you, either. (4) Make sure your wife has 
time to read a Susan Johnson book once 
a month to keep the juices flowing. (5) 
Schedule a little romance—do at least 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


one small thing each week (rose petals 
have lots of uses). (6) Be a lifelong learn- 
er—read the Kama Sutra or watch the Bet- 
ter Sex video series.—].B., Santa Rosa, 
California 

Admit it—you'd have sex with your hus- 
band four times a week even if he didn't do 
all this stuff, Most guys understand that they 
have to make an effort, but these lists feel like 
work. We always want to ask, when was the 
last time you jucked your husband for no 
reason at all? 


In an episode of MTV's Undressed, two 
women were kissing. One cut off the end 
ofa condom and sliced it lengthwise. She 
then handed the latex to her partner, 
who dropped to her knees. Apparent- 
ly both women derived much pleasure 
from what happened next. How wasthe 
latex used that got these girls so hotz— 
H.E, Mequon, Wisconsin 

They used it as a dental dam, which is a 
barrier placed aver the vulva to prevent skin- 
to-skin contact with the tongue, That lesseus 
the chance of spreading STDs. Ws often nec- 
essary but hardly sexy. 


Lately I've been thinking about friends I 
knew in the Sixties and Seventies. What 
is the most economical way for tracking 
down people from that long ago?—PR.., 
Corvallis, Oregon 

Search classmates.com for a list of alumni 
from your elementary school, high school or 
college who have registered. with the site. For 
$36 peer you can e-mail old friends 
(for privacy reasons, their addresses aren't 
revealed unless they reply). If a classmate is 
nol listed, a mutual friend who has registered 
may be helpful. The site also maintains data- 
bases of military veterans and former co- 
workers. You can also search for old friends 
with relatively uncommon names at google. 
com, Туре the name inside quotation marks. 
Narrow your search by adding a city or state. 
Ta locate old lovers, type in your own name 
and the words best Г ever had. 


Í belong to a bowling league. Alter each 
session most of us retire to ıhe bar to 
play cards. One evening, as we played 
gin, a guy on the other team repeated- 
ly blew cigar smoke in my face to irritate 
or distract me. I told him twice to knock 
it off. Finally, when I'd had enough, 1 
dumped the contents of the ashtray in 
his lap. I viewed his provocation as akin 
to spitting at me. When put in this situa- 
n in front of your peers, and when 
leaving is not an option, how is it best 
handled?—J.S., Kansas City, Missouri 
You handled it well enough. 


My fiancée and I have been together for 
four years. About every six months, 1 
have a dream in which I catch her cheat 
ng. My fiancée swears that she has nev- 
er been unfaithful. Am I insecure or is 
my subconscious trying to tell me some- 
thing?—K.B., Grand Rapids, Michigan 


Rest assured you aren't picking up sublle 
hints of betrayal that your mind can only 
‚piece together in deep Меер. Cheaters leave 
more obvious signs. Be careful about accus- 
ing your fiancée of infidelity based on a 
dream. It says you don't trust her. And you 
trust her. right? 


What is the protocol for walking women 
through rotating doors? Ladies first and 
make them push, or gentleman first in 
order to do the pushing?—A.F., New Or- 
leans, Louisiana 

We think ladies first, for the same reason 
it's always ladies first—so you can check out 
her ass. Did we say that aloud? 


What have you heard about the Voodoo 
Magick Box? Its website claims it induces 
“feelings of inebriation, psychedelic vis- 
uals, extreme relaxation, floating sen- 
sations, intense endorphin releases, all 
culminating in a relaxed yet euphoric 
state.” It's also promoted as a sexual en- 
hancer.—C.K., Seattle, Washington 

From the photos on its site, the device ap- 
pears to be a nine-volt battery inside a black 
plastic case with two ear clips attached. On- 
ly 90 bucks. Licking the battery might pro- 
vide more of an erotic charge. The site pro- 
vides no useful explanation of how it works 
and the site's owners declined to be inter- 
viewed, claiming it would create too much 
demand. The Canadian company that owns 
the domain name shares a phone number 
with a hacker site that has posted two glow- 
ing “reviews” of the device. Ready to type in 
your credil card number? 


How do you get rid of a fetish? I'm a 
straight guy with a girlfriend, but 1 wear 
women’s panties, thongs and bikinis. 
‘ve indulged in high heels and 
rts. Can you help me?—PL., Hous- 
ton, Texas 
You're a transvestite, which is relatively 
common though not easily explained. The is- 
sue isn't that cross-dressing excites you. H's 
whether you have the ty үре oj relationship 
where you can comfortably share your desires 
with your partner, and whether you can be- 
come aroused when the only person wearing 
panties is your girlfriend. If that’s the case. 
your gender bending isn't a fetish but simply 
a variation on the theme. 


there any difference in the sensitivity 
ofa man who is circumcised? My boy- 
umcised, and I want to 
ves the best pleasure 
possible. Any advic 
Massachusetts 

Keep sucking. Ws hard to quantify who's 
more sensitive— guys cul as infants have no 
way to compare—but common sense favors 
those who escape the knife. The foreskin pro- 
tects and helps lubricate the highly sensitive 
glans of the penis. It also contains a lot of 
nerve endings. Researchers have attempted 
to answer your question by surveying men 
who were circumcised as adults to correct 


medical problems. One study of 123 men 
concluded that circumcision lessens sensitiv- 
ity, but not all of the subjects reported being 
unhappy about that—the procedure gave 
them mare stamina. In another study 15 men 
quizzed before and 12 weeks after being cut 
reported no difference in sensation. 


Why do so many of the women in porn 
movies wear shoes, even during the sex 
scenes?—N.G., Minneapolis, Minnesota 

Heels make the performer's legs seem lon- 
ger, lift her buttocks and give her a wobble 
when she walks, which makes her appear vul- 
nerable. Plus, would you walk around bare- 
foot on a porn set? 


[leave on vacation in three weeks and 
will be staying with friends and family, 
mostly sharing rooms. I've been told by 
my girlfriend that I have a serious snor- 
ng problem. Should I look for my own 
lodging? Should I mention this up front 
to the people I stay with?—E.S., New- 
port Beach, California 

If you're sharing rooms, you may meet 
your match —aboul 50 percent of men and 
25 percent of women snore. Most are over 
40. We suggest you see a doctor—serious 
snoring may contribute to heart disease, dia- 
betes, stroke or hypertension, The most dan- 
gerous form of snoring is obstructive sleep 
apnea, characterized by heavy sawing inter- 
rupted by moments of silence when you tem- 
porarily stop breathing, followed by a snort 
as you wake yourself up. The most common 
treatments for snoring are to lose weight, 
treat allergies, get more sleep, altach nasal 
strips, avoid alcohol, tobacco and sedatives 
before bedtime or sew a tennis ball into the 
back of your pajamas to force you to sleep on 
your side. If none of that works, a doctor can 
fit you with a mouthpiece that holds your jaw 
forward to open your airway, or a cumber- 
some breathing mask that pushes air into 
your throat. You also may want to investigate 
laser-assisted uaulopalatoplasty or somno- 
plasty to remove tissue from your soft palate. 


One of my friends says he never goes 
back to his old girlfriends because the 
ame problems would come up. Another 
friend says he frequently dates his exes 
because people mature and that makes 
for better relationships. Who's right? 
ES., Richmond, Virginia 

H depends on the guy. We only date other 
people's exes, but well sleep with anyone. 


All reasonable questions from fashion. food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, rLaynoy, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Hlinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com. 


sneaking god into science class 


ruled that requiring public school 

teachers to teach biblical creation- 
ism alongside Darwin's theory of 
evolution violated the constitutional 
separation of church and state. The 
decision was another in a long series 
of setbacks for creationists, dating 
to Clarence Darrow's emasculation of 
William Jennings Bryan during the 
1925 Scopes trial. 

In recent years, creationists have 
splitinto two factions—the “young 
earthers” who believe in the literal 
interpretation of the book of Gene- 
sis (and include Par Robertson, who 
cl that the Smithsonian found 
physical evidence of crea- 
tionism "somewhere in 
the Dakotas" but sup- 
pressed it) and a more 
media-savvy group that 
has adopted a new tac- 
tic tosneak God into the 
classroom. 

The new creationists 
avoid any mention of. 

Adam and Eve, Instead, 

they champion a concept 

known as intelligent de- 

sign, which is creation- 

ism after a shower and 

shave. They argue the 

universe is so complex 

that only an intelligent 

being could have de- 

signed it. They've dust- 

ed off ideas that were firs 

ized by a long-dead British theolo- 
gian, the Reverend William Paley, 
who in 1802 postulated that if one 
findsa watch in the sand on the beach, 
one must presume there is a watch- 
maker—an interesting conversation 
starter for philosophy class but hard- 
ly an idea that can be proved or 
proved. (That's why, while many sci- 
entists believ. a supreme being, 
they don't bring him to work.) In 
1859 Charles Darwin published On 
the Origin of Species by Means of Natural 
Selection, which presented his theo- 
ry—that simple organisms evolve into 
more complex ones through minor 
adaptations. His ideas have held up 
through more than a century of ob- 
servation, ех nents and research 
into the fos 


[ n 1987 the U.S. Supreme Court 


By CHIP ROWE 


When pressed, proponents ofintel- 
ligent design insist their designer isn't 
necessarily God. They say it can easily 
be a space alien—a public stance that 
puts them in league with Scientology, 
whose followers deify an alien named 
Xenu. But in privately printed books 
and at gatherings of the faithful, the 
movement's true colors emerge. In 
Defeating Darwinism, Phillip Johnson, 
a law professor emeritus at the Uni- 
versity of California-Berkeley, ex- 
presses his desire to "redefine what is 
at issue in the creation-evolution con- 
troversy so that Christians and other 
believers in God can find common 
ground in the most fundamental is- 


At a gatheri 

TV preacher, Johnson said he hoped 
intelligent design ultimately would in- 
troduce young people to Jesus Christ. 

To sell intelligent design to school 
boards, the religious right organizes 
grassroots lobbying efforts that osten- 
sibly fight for school reform. In Ohio, 
creationists gathered under the flag 
of a group called Science Excellence 
for All Ohioans. In fact, SEAO is a 
project of the American Family Asso- 
ciation of Ohio with support from 
Phyllis Schlafly's Eagle Forum, James 
Dobson's Focus on the Family and the 
Christian Home Educators of Ohio. 
It found sympathetic members on the 
state school board, who persuaded 
their colleagues to host a public he: 
ing giving intelligent design a legi 


macy it didn't deserve. In October, a 
committee recommended that ninth 
and tenth graders should be able to 
"describe how scientists today contin- 
ue to investigate and critically analyze 
aspects of evolutionary theory." 
Scientists cringe at that line, which 
acknowledges the new creationist ar- 
gument that those students should be 
taught about the "controversy" su 
rounding evolution—even if that coi 
troversy is of the creationists own mak- 
ing. When scientists point out that 
intelligent design isn't by definition 
science, the new creationists counter 
that the definition of science is too 
narrow and that it should allow for 
supernatural explana- 
tions. They dismiss ba- 
sic scientific knowledge 
as “naturalism” and say 
that science ou 
move beyond 
ralistic bias.” 

Scientists who dismiss 
this absurd line of rea- 
soning find themselves 
attacked as close-mind- 
ed zealots who would 
deprive students of 
learning about a wide 
range of ideas. The 
modern creationist pre- 
sents himself not as a 
person of deep religious 
faith but as a crusader 


(by that reasoning, every revisionist 
quack who denies that the Holocaust 
occurred deserves a place in history 
class). Science is anything but hostile 
leas—it just doesn't accept 
them at face value. Ideas lead to re- 
search, the results of which are re- 
viewed and replicated by other sc 
entists until a consensus 
That consensus then becomes the sı 
entific canon, whi what is right- 
fully taught. As Lawrence Krauss, a 
physics professor at Case Western Re- 
serve University, points out, new cr 
ationists want to skip the scientific 
process and jump straight to the class- 
rooms and textbooks. 
With its success in disgui 
nd goals 
place in 
a marketing class. 


GONE 


n Manchester, Vermont in 1819, 

the disappearance of cantankerous 

Russell Colvin led to an accusation 

that his feuding neighbors, Stephen 

and Jesse Boorn, had murdered 

him. The Boorn brothers declared 
their innocence throughout their trial, which 
nevertheless ended tn their convictions. 
Then, while awaiting execution in the local 
jail, where they were visited by fellow towns- 
people urging that they clear their conscienc- 
es before going to the gallows, they did con- 
fess to the murder. Meanwhile, their attorney 
had put notices in area newspapers seeking 
information about Colvin—for the body had 
never been found—which led to the dis- 
covery that Colvin was not in fact dead, but 
had merely gone to live in Schenectady, New 
York."—FROM Troubling Confessions BY РЕ- 
TER BROOKS 

What were the Boorns thinking? Con- 
fession, writes Brooks, is the queen of 
proofs, “a statement from the person 
who should know best.” Thatsome con- 
fessions are false is not news. Nor is the 
fact that the American justice system is 
loath to correct its mistakes. Consider 
these two stories: 

In 1989 an investment banker was 
raped and nearly murdered while jog- 
ging in New York's Central Park. Police 
picked up five teenagers—Kevin Rich- 
ardson, Antron McCray, Raymond San- 
tana, Yusef Salaam and Kharey Wise— 
chosen, it scems, at random from gangs 
of teenagers who roamed the park. 

During exhausting interrogation ses- 
sions (some of which lasted two days), 
the police told each of the five boys that 
evidence found at the crime scene would 
convict them. They told them they had 
witnesses. They said their friends would 
testify against them. 

The families of the teenagers, who 
were required by law to be present dur- 
ing the interrogations, were told by po- 
lice that the teenagers were considered 
witnesses to the crime. 

The teenagers each confessed. One 
later explained, "I started making up 
facts just to give them what they want- 
ed to hear. They told me that 1 could 
go home after I made the statement, 
and I fell for it.” 

There were glaring errors in those 
confessions. The teens said the jogger 
was left naked (she was not). They said 
they used a knife to cut off her pants 
(the pants were intact). The forensic 


ESSIONS| 


who needs evidence? 
By MORGAN STRONG 


evidence was useless. Semen that was 
taken from the victim did not match 
any of the suspects. Hairs found on one 
of the boy's jackets, said to be the jog- 
ger's, were discovered not to be the 
jegger's. Blood on a rock that the po- 
lice claimed had been used to beat the 
victim was not the victim's blood. The 
Central Park jogger case was a high- 
profile one, what police refer to 
as a heater. The public learned 
about "wilding"—black youth 
gone wild. Televisions broadcast 
the teenager's videotaped con- 
fessions, the perp walks and the 
press conferences. 

McCray, Santana, Richardson 
and Salaam received sentences 
between five and 10 years. Wise, 
tried as an adult, received five 
to 15 years. All five had served 
their time when the actual rapist 
came forward. 

In January of last year, Matias 
Reyes, serving 33 years to life for 
rape and murder, confessed to 
the assault. His DNA matched 
that of the semen found on the 
victim. 

Rather than simply admitting 
a miscarriage of justice, the DA is 
reviewing "thousands and thou- 
sands of documents” and some 
“15,000 pages of transcripts" 
from the case in search of some- 
thing to justify their actions. 

Supporters of the convicted 
teenagers have charged racism, 
but this kind of injustice is not 
limited to blacks or Hispanics. An even 
more egregious example of mass con- 
fession occurred in Norfolk, Virginia. 
Stories in The Virginian-Pilot and a doc- 
umentary on Medstar Television called 
Eight Men Out have traced the case's 
twists and turns. 

Billy Bosko returned home from a 
six-day cruise aboard his ship, the U.S.S. 
Simpson, on July 8, 1997. He found his 
18-year-old wife, Michelle, dead on the 
bedroom floor. She had been raped, 
strangled and stabbed. 

Danial Williams, a sailor who lived 
across the hall from the Boskos, called 
911. Williams then drove to police head- 
quarters to answer questions. Detec- 
tives interrogated him throughout the 
night. Williams admitted to being in 
fatuated with Michelle but denied ever 


having sex with her. He took a poly 
graph test. As the night wore on, his 
story changed. Maybe he had been 
sleepwalking, he said. He couldn't re- 
member. Eventually, Williams cracked. 
He admitted forcing himself on the vic- 
tim, but said he never ejaculated, that 
when he left she was screaming and 
hollering. Later, he again changed his 


story, saying he raped her, then hit her 
with his fists and his shoe, and, final- 
ly, that he stabbed her. Then, in police 
vernacular, he stopped cooperating. 
Months later, the DNA results came 
back from the lab. Williams’ DNA did 
not match that of the rapist. 

etectives brought in an- 
other sailor, Joseph Di 
Williams' former room- 
mate. He too volunteered 
to take a lic-detector test. 
The police told him (in- 
correctly) he had failed. 
After hours of interrogation, Di 
fessed, saying that he had participat- 
ed in the rape with Williams and had 
stabbed the victim. In March, the lab 
test came back. Dick's DNA did not 
match that of the rapist. 


con- 


Police brought in another sailor, Eric 
Wilson. They shoved crime scene pho- 
tos in his face. Hours later, he oflered 
yet another version of the crime. The 
three men had gone to the apartment 
together, roughhoused with the victim 
by tickling her, but the fun turned vio- 
lent. He said he participated in the 
rape, but left before the murder. Wil- 
son's DNA did not match the DNA that 
was found at the scene. 

The cops were stymied. There must 
have been someone else at the scene. 
They went back to Dick, who now said 
six men had been involved in the rape 
and murder. He identified one by point- 
ing to a photo in a yearbook. 


Derek Tice had left the Navy, mar- 
ried and moved to Orlando. Detectives 
extradited him to Virginia for interro- 
gation. Tice confessed, naming two oth- 
er men, Rick Pauley (his former room- 
mate) and Geoffrey Farris (a friend 
from the Navy), as participants. Then 
the ever-helpful suspect now said there 
wasa seventh man involved, John Dan- 
ser, a former sailor. 

‘The Norfolk police now had seven 
men in custody. But none of the evi- 
dence—14 different fingerprints, DNA 
from cigarette butts found in the apart- 
ment, DNA fi the semen recovered 
from the victim and a blanket found 
near her body—matched any of the 
men in police custody. 

The police might have worked their 
way through the entire Atlantic fleet 


but for a woman who handed investi- 
gators a letter she'd received froma 
man named Omar Ballard. Ballard, in 
prison for raping a 14-year-old girl, 
had written: “You remember that night 
I went to Mommy's house and the next 
morning Michelle got killed? Guess 
who did that? Me. It was not the first 
time. Send pictures of you in panties, 
bra and a nasty letter and send money, 
or you'll be with Michelle in hell.” 

When police questioned Ballard, he 
readily confessed to the murder of Mi- 
chelle Bosko. That he had never been 
a suspect defied the odds. Two weeks 
before the murder, Ballard had been 
picked up for sexually assaulting a wom- 
an in the Boskos' apartment com- 
plex. (In a bizarre twist, Michelle 
and Billy Bosko had kept Bal- 
lard, whom they knew, from be- 
ing beaten senseless by angry 
neighbors.) 

Ballard identified the murder 
weapon. He described the crime 
scene in great detail—no guess- 
ing with him. His DNA matched 
that taken from a vaginal swab, 
semen on a blanket and biologi- 
cal material found underneath 
Michelle's fingernails. His fin- 
gerprints matched those found 
On the murder weapon. In his 
confession Ballard said he acted 
alone and that he didn't know 
any of the other seven charged 
with murder. Ballard said of the 
other accused, “The people who 
opened their mouths is stupid." 

It's not that simple. Criminol- 
ogists who have studied similar 
cases say the Norfolk seven show 
how easy it is to manufacture a 
confession. The sailors were sub- 
ject to interrogation sessions 
ing from 12 to 18 hours. They 
were denied attorneys, not al- 
lowed io sleep. not apprised of their 
right to remain silent, lied to about the 
evidence against them (a common and 
quite legal tactic) and allegedly beaten. 
The four who originally confessed— 
Williams, Dick, Wilson and Tiee—said 
they had been so fearful of the lead in- 
vestigator that they confessed, in the 
words of one, "just to get away from 
the detec was afraid he was go- 
ing to kill me.” 

Wilson described the pressure that 
he felt. “If they told me I had killed 
JFK, I would have said that 1 handed 
Oswald the gun,” he said. 

Each of the written confessions given 
to the police by these four was flawed. 
They added det Ine said he had 
used a claw hammer to break down the 
door. (There were no signs of forced 


entry) None knew spe 
victim had been killed. 

The coercion didn't stop with the con- 
fession. The men say that the police told 
them they would get the death penalty 
if they went to trial. Williams and Dick 
entered plea bargains in return for life 
sentences. Wilson recanted his confes- 
sion and demanded a He thought 
the evidence (or lack of it) would prove 
his innocence. Despite objections by 
the defense, the judge allowed prose- 
cutors to play the tape of the suspect's 
confession. It was enough to sway the 
jury. Wilson was found guilty of rape 
(but not guilty of murder) and was sen- 
tenced to eight and a half years. 

Derek Tice withdrew his confession 
and went to trial. The judge, in a rul- 
ing so confounding as to be inexpli- 
cable, refused to allow the defense to 
introduce facts about Ballard's involve- 
ment. The jury never heard Ballard's 
confession, read the incriminating let- 
ter or saw the evidence that convicted 
him. They were allowed to hear Tice's 
confession, and the jury convicted him. 
D.J. Hansen, the prosecutor in this 
asco, could tell juries, “It is very diffi- 
cult to believe that somebody would 
confess to a crime as heinous as this if 
they did not participate in it." We know 
that not to be true. 

he Innocence Project, run 
by the Benjamin Cardozo 

4 School of Law in New York, 

has managed to free 111 
men wrongly convicted of 
a crime. In 27 of these cas- 
ED es police obtained what аг 
es police obtained what are 
now known to be false confessions. 

In Brooks' anecdote, the cantanker- 
ous Russell Colvin "returned to Man- 
chester and saved the unfortunate 
doomed men from a terrible fate." We 
cannot rely on luck, if we want to pro- 
tect our system of justice. 

The Miranda warning isn't enough. 
Reformers want to create a more neu- 
tral interrogation, one free of coercion, 
psychological tricks, patent lying, or 
worse. Suspects should not be shown 
crime scene photos or evidence that 
might contaminate their stories, Re- 
formers encourage skepticism—a sus- 
pecr's confession should not mark the 
end of an investigation but the begin- 
ning. Police should find evidence to cor- 
roborate or challenge the suspect’s story. 

Videotaping the entire interroga- 
tion—not just the 18-minute recap or 
the signed statement—should be rou- 
tine, but many police departments op- 
pose it on grounds that it is a burden 
on the cops. Given what we've learned 
about false confession, the burden be- 
longs to society. 


ically how the 


51 


52 


Ш огом 
CLEAN FLIX 


do companies that censor videos violate anyone's rights? 


n the Sixties, the Varsity Thea- 
ter at Brigham Young Univer- 
sity routinely spliced sex and 

profanity from mainstream films 
to suit the tastes ol its Mormon clien- 
tele. It wasn't until the mid-Nineties, 
when director Steven Spielberg object- 
ed to the theater's plans to sanitize 
Schindler's List, that problems arose. In 
1998, the university gave up the ed- 
iting altogether after a request from 
executives at Sony to stop altering its 
products. 

That same year, the owner of Sunrise 
Video in American Fork, Utah noticed 
that many of his customers would 
not rent Titanic because it con- 
tained nudity—notably the scene 
in which Kate Winslet bares her 
breasıs so Leonardo DiCaprio can 
sketch her nude. Smelling op- 
portunity, the owner oflered to 
edit customers’ personal co 
of the movie. He charged fiv 
bucks to neuter the video by s 
ig out—with scissors—the mov- 
e's two sexually charged scenes 
(he eventually exorcised some 
7000 copies). Around the same 
time, the Towne Cinema theater 
began showing a nudity-free ver- 
sion of Titanic. Paramount Pic- 
tures demanded that the theater 
return the print. Its lawyers also 
sent the video store a nasty letter 
but left it at that 

The owner of Sunrise said he never 
thought that his idea would spread 
past the county line. But four years lat- 
er, a handful of entrepreneurs have ex- 
panded the e-movie business (“e” for 
edited) into a national phenomenon. 
Ray Lines founded CleanFlicks, the 
largest of these companies, in 1999. A 
Mormon and former TV producer, hc 
used home video-editing equipment to 
snip scenes and words from movies for 
his seven children. Soon his friends, 
also Mormons, began asking him to 
clean up their VHS copies of block- 
busters such as Shakespeare in Love and 
Titanic. The CleanFlicks website lists 10 
company-owned and 54 independent 
rental stores in 15 states (35 of the 
stores are in Utah). It sells and rents 
more than 440 censored movies for 
about twice the cost of a regular tape. 
For legal reasons, it also sells unedited 
versions. Clean Cut and Family 


By PATTY LAMBERTI 


it-yourself industry also has 
sprouted. Home censors can download 
sofiware such as MovieMask that allows 
them to bowdlerize big-screen eroti- 
cism. After connecting a DVD player 
to the computer, or connecting a com- 
puter with a DVD drive to a television, 
the concerned consumer selects which 
elements he does not want to see or 
hear—rough language, violence, adult 
themes, etc. The software works only 


with certain videos and DVDs, which 
the customer must purchase or rent and 
which remain intact. As the movie is 
playing, the software masks out, by ei- 
ther skipping forward or muting, what 
the censor has selected for omission. 

MovieMask has a patent pending for 
technology that allows users to clothe 
naked characters, or change guns into 
something less threatening, like light 
sabers. A similar product, ClearPlay, 
cuts the rough stuff from films in much 
the same way but requires a month- 
ly subscri fee. MovieShield and 
TVGuardian are filtering contraptions 
that a person can connect directly to 
his television set. 

What do these programs hide? You 
can probably guess. Here's a sample of 
cuttings from the living-room floor: 

Romeo and Juliet lying in bed to- 
gether in Shakespeare in Love. 

Muhammad Ali stating, “No Viet 


Cong ever called me a nigger,” in Ali. 

In Gosford Park, the sex scene in the 
kitchen as well as the word fag—even 
though the character is referring to a 
cigarette. 

Scenes of blood and guts in Die Hard. 

Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton 
fucking in Monster's Ball. 

The gory, realistic opening of Saving 
Private Ryan. 

In Traffic, the drug czar's daughter 
freebasing cocaine and prostituting 
herself 

A violent shoot-out in Training Day 

Blood running up the wall in the 
opening scene of Memento, as well 
as one character giving someone 
the finger and another character 
strangling a drug dealer. 

The farting in Dr. Dolittle 2. 

"Thirty seconds of sexual innu- 
endo and swearing in Shrek. 

In Bridget Jones's Diary, two min- 
utes of sexual discussion. 

One hundred and thirty-nine 
"fucks" and 29 "shits" in Good 
Will Hunting. 

The genitalia and breasts of 
the concentration camp victims 
in Schindler's List. 

Some movies are so corrupt 
that the editing companies don't 
even attempt to make them pre- 
sentable. These include American 
History X, Analyze This, Any Given 
Sunday, Basic Instinct, Blair Witch 


Project, Caddyshack. Election, End of Days, 


Eyes Wide Shut, Face/Off. Grosse Pointe 
Blank, Pretty Woman, Shougirls and Si- 
lence of the Lambs. 

Last summer members of the Direc- 
tors Guild of America finally took no- 
tice of the cleansing companies and 
began discussing legal action against 
them. Guild members believe the com- 
panies are violating federal copyright 
law. But the owner of several Clean- 
Hi tores in Colorado filed his own 
suit to compel a judge to decide 
whether he was running a legitimate 
business. The ow »f MovieMask lat- 
er joined him. The Hollywood direc- 
tors quickly countersu arguing that 
the cleaners are illc; elling and 
renting "derivatives"—lilms that are 
different enough from the originals to 
be something ne: ms edited for net- 
work television or airplane viewing are 
derivatives, but the cuts are controlled 


by the studios and, in some cases, the 
director. The networks and airlines al- 
so pay studios for the privilege 

The cleansing companies have a 
tempted to protect themselves by re- 
quiring their customers to become 
members of a rental club and pay a 
monthly or annual fee as well as per- 
video rental fees. The clubs then col- 
lectively purchase the original VHS 
and DVD copies of the film, and the 
owners make one copy ol each origi- 
nal for the “personal use” of the club. 
The clubs are careful to maintain a 
one-to-one ratio of originals and edit- 
ed copies so that the original video or 
DVD is never edited—only the copy 
They're hoping this setup will get 
them off the hook. 
that sell video-editing 
software have a more straightforward 
defense. They don't edit movies but 
simply provide a way for consumers 
to do it—and the movies aren't physi- 
cally altered. Bill Aho, chief executive 
of ClearPlay, says banning his soft- 
ware would be “like trying to ban the 
fast-forward or mute buttons on a re- 
mote control.”) 

As a backup argument, the cleans- 
ing companies say they are protect- 
ed under the “fair use” provision of 
copyright law. This provision allows a 
person to make limited use of a copy- 
righted work for specific purposes. 
For example, “fair use" is what allows 
an author or rev to quote at 
length from a book. The cleansing 
companies say they are making only 
minor changes that don't alter the es- 
sential meaning or message of the 
films. Fair use is a riskier argument 
because there's no clear definition of 
how much can be borrowed, or omit- 
ted, from an original. Some judges 
look to see that no more was taken 
than was absolutely necessary. 

The cleansers expected the fuss but 
also don’t quite understand it. Rath- 
er than harming Hollywood, they say 
they are introducing its product to 
new audiences. Their conservative 
customers would never buy or rent 
the studios' videos and DVDs without 
going through the rental clubs, which 
purchase hundreds or thousands of 
copies. People who buy editing soft- 
ware instead still must rent or buy the 
movie. 

Hollywood may be missing an im- 
mensely profitable opportunity here— 
the studios ought to buy these com 
panies, do the edits themselves and 
keep the cash. You can't go wrong 
marketing to people who live in a 
shell, because they never know what 
they're missing. 


"Copyright is the Cinderella of the 
law. Suddenly, the fairy godmothe 
Invention, endowed her with me- 
chanical and electrical devices as 
magical as the pumpkin coach and 
the mice footmen. Now she whirls 
through the mad mazes of a glam- 
orous ball." —2ECHARIAH CHAFEE 


ot since the Human 

Cannonball sued a tele- 
к vision station that had 
filmed his entire act, all 15 sec- 
onds of it, and broadcast it with- 
out permission, has the field 
of entertainment law been this 
interesting. 

It began simply. Mike Batt, 
producer of a musical group 
called the Planets, had a spot of 
dead space to fill on the Planets’ 
debut album. He conjured up a 
tongue-in-cheek number called 
А One Minule Silence. Batt's liner 
notes included a single cryptic 
line: “1 һауе nothing to say about 
this track.” A few months later 
Batt received а royalty statement 
from the British Mechanical- 
Copyright Protection Society. A 
bureaucrat had noticed that A 
One Minute Silence was credited 
10 Battand Cage. Assuming that 
Cage was John Cage, and that 
the Planets had somehow adapt- 
ed John Cage's longer piece of si- 
lence, 433", the BMCPS ordered а 
royalty payment of about £400. 
What followed was an often hi- 
larious teach-in on copyright law. 
Hearing of the dispute, Batt's 
mother quipped, "Which 
part of the silence are 
they claiming you nicked?" 

Batt defiantly declared 
that his work was original. 
“Mine is a much better 


silent piece. 1 am able to 


say in one minute what 


took Cage four minutes 
and 33 seconds.” His si- 
lence was digital, the 1952 
composition was analog. 


The Cage in his song credit was not John 
Cage but, rather, Clint Cage, a registered 


pseudonym. The Washington Post 
wrote that Batt had been forced 
to pay an undisclosed six-figure 
settlement. Internet chat rooms 
bristled with outrage. The op- 
posing parties staged a duel on- 
stage: the Planets playing their 
minute of silence, a clarinet- 
ist playing the 433" version 
(though in the original, Cage 
had sat at a piano, opening and 
closing the lid for each move- 
ment of the piece). The New York- 
er covered the concert. Batt an- 
nounced he had secured the 
copyright for “all durations of 
silence between 0 seconds and 
10 minutes, so that if a Cage 
performance comes in shorter 
or longer than 4°33”, the Cage 
estate will be in breach of my 
copyright.” We began to sus- 
pect, if not a put-on, a hilarious 
bit of gamesmanship. The com- 
ments from both sides were too 
amicable to have come from 
lawyers. We contacted both Batt 
and the publisher. The case, as 
such, had never gone to court: 
"Noonein his right mind would 
contest the claim" was the gen- 
eral sense. When Batt decided 
to give the Cage estate a decid- 
edly not-six-figure charitable 
donation, a local television crew 
filmed the exchange on the 
steps of the High Court for 
tongue-in-cheek Monty Python- 
esque drama. Batt plans to 
bring the Planets to the U.S. in 
March and says he may restage 

the dueling silences. "My 

guys are fantastic live 

players and put on a 

terrific show,” he says. 

“They also take no pris- 

oners in the looks de- 

partment. Hey, how about 

a PLAYBOY spread of my 

band being silent?" We 

think we'll check out the 

band before we commit 

to anything. Will they, 


like Milli Vanilli before them, lip-synch 
A One Minute 


53 


54 


R E 


DRUG TESTS 

Drug tests can reveal things 
besides whether a person uses 
illegal drugs (“Piss Poor Judg- 
ment," The Playboy Forum, No- 
vember). Who's to say that 
school administrators or com- 
panies that make their employ- 
ees take drug tests wouldn't al- 
so analyze urine for pregnancy 
or diseases? Many high schools 
have started drug-testing stu- 
dents just to find out if they're 
smoking cigarettes. We're los- 
ing control of the one thing 
we can truly call our own—our 
bodies. 


Carl Grover 
Mason City, Iowa 


“The U.S. Supreme Court may 
feel that safety considerations 
override personal freedom 
when it comes to drug testing, 
but other branches of the gov- 
ernment don't necessarily feel 
the same way. Years ago I was sh 
an engineer for a company that 
made windows for B-2 bomb- 
ers. The government insisted 
on performing random drug 
tests on us, and the company 
fired several employees who 
tested positive. One employee 
who lost his job worked on the win- 
dows of the first four B-2s to go into 
service. But no windows were recalled 
or retested, even though the feds knew 
"drug users” had built chem. Rather 
than recall $4 billion worth of planes, 
the government bet that the parts were 
safe. I was fired when I refused to sub- 
mit to a drug test. I was not eligible for 
unemployment and being dismissed 
under suspicion of drug use made it 
difficult to find another job. I estimate 
that being fired cost me $100,000 or 
more. It would take a lot of drug-needy 
burglars to rip me off for that kind of 
money. 


Kevin Molyneux 
Reseda, California 


If children, who should be presumed 
innocent, can be tested for drugs, the 
justices of the Supreme Court, who are 
presumed innocent but probably aren't, 
should also be tested. If we apply to the 
Court the same guidelines schools use 
to figure out which students should be 
tested, Clarence Thomas starts to look 
mighty suspicious. Didn't Thomas ap- 


FOR THE RECORD 


ЕЕЕ!!! 


“Гуе raised буе abstinent children without 


owing one of them diseased genital: 


—Leslee Unruh, president of the National Abst 
nence Clearinghouse, criticizing a popular absti- 
nence ed curriculum, Worth the Wait, that in- 
cludes a graphic slide show of genitalia infected 


with sexually transmitted diseases. 


pear a little tired at the fast few hear- 
ings? Wasn't he abnormally quiet? And 
wasn't he late for work a few times? 
Sounds like the good justice needs to 
pee into a cup, just so we can be sure. 
William Wilson 
Houston, Texas 


If blanket testing is fair in that every- 
one is a suspect, let's apply this stan- 
dard to all three branches of govern- 
ment. Results could be posted online 
daily. I assume the Joint Chiefs are test- 
ed already. 

Peter Brown 
New York, New York 


Who really cares if a tuba player gets 
stoned? His responsibilities are mild 
in comparison with those of teachers, 
school administrators and government 
officials. Test them instead. 

Len Gyson 

West Palm Beach, Florida 


ZERO TOLERANCE 
Zero-tolerance policies in our schools 
may be a joke, but they have serious 


E R 


consequences ("Zero Sense," 
The Playboy Forum, November). 
Everyone goes on and on about 
how much stress kids are under 
these days. The logi 
be that because kid: 
they take antidepress 
guns to school and smoke mari- 
juana. Maybe they wouldn't be 
so stressed if they didn't have to 
worry about being suspended 
from school for playing cops 
and robbers on the playground 
or pointing a chicken finger the 
wrong way at lunch. 

Sarah Sawyers 

Amarillo, Texas 


Zero-tolerance policies send 
a message to kids that s 
don't have to bc guilty 
ceive punishment. I'm troubled 
by our increasingly paranoid 
and reactive society. 
John Watson 
Gaithersburg, Maryland 


Heaven help us when it comes 
time for these students to run 
the country. 

Roger Williams 
Columbus, Ohio 


Zero-tolerance policies piss 
me off, and so do school administrators 
who invent dress codes out of thin air. 
When my son turned 11, he asked fora 
Playboy Rabbit Head earring. My hus- 
band and I bought him one. He wore it 
to school, but his fourth grade teacher 
made him remove it because the school 
said it violated the dress code. My hus- 
band asked to see the dress code. It 
doesn't include anything about Rabbit 
Head earrings or Playboy logos. My 
son doesn’t wear the earring to school 
anymore but puts it on the minute he 
gets home. 


Dee Davis 
Sunbury, Ohio 


A few days after I read your article 
“Zero Sense,” my son brought home 
his school's behavior code. The list of 
prohibited behavior was as intricate as 
the criminal code, with graduated lev- 
cls of punishment. Among the Class 111 
behaviors (the most serious offenses 
for kindergarten through eighth grade 
students) were arson, assaulı, posses- 
sion or use of drugs, rape—and pos- 
session or use of pornography. Sexual 


| O RU м] 


R E 8S 


Р О 


N S E 


curiosity is as bad as rape? What kind 
of message does that send? 
Nathaniel Bryner 
Evanston, Illinois 


DEATH PENALTY 

In your response to the letters about 
Byron Parker's execution (The Playboy 
Forum, November), you say the death 
penalty is not working as a deterrent. It 
most certainly is. Those who have been 
executed will never commit murder, 
or any other crime, again. If criminals 
were executed within a week after a 
judge sentenced them, other criminals 
and society as a whole would not have 
time to forget the horrific nature of the 
crime. If you wait a month to punish a 
child, the child can't connect the pun- 
ishment with the offense, no matter 
how badly he misbehaved. When we al- 
low a criminal to appeal for years, he 
becomes the victim and the do-gooders 
wring their hands and complain about 

how badly he's being treated. 

Mike Dale 

Colleyville, Texas 
We doubt that your argument would car- 
ry much weight with the hundreds of men 
found to be innocent only years after their 
convictions. Bul those are just details, right? 


EXPOSED 

I'm a 33-year-old mother of two who 
manages my husband's body shop. 
Like thousands of other women, I also 
have a softcore website (cynthiasplay 
house.com). My husband takes explicit 
nude photos of me, which we post for 
members who pay $9.95 a month. This 
past fall someone e-mailed a local disc 
Jocke: lliot Segal of WWDC-FM, 
about my site. I'm not sure why he 
had such an interest in it, or 
where he got his information. But 
over the course of three days he told 
his listeners that I run an escort sei 
prostitute myself and steal credit 
1 numbers from my web custom- 
all lies. He also gave out my last 
name—which I do not reveal on my 
site—my home and work addresses 
and a description of my car (including 
the license plate number). He encour- 
aged people to visit me at my hus- 
band's shop and provided directions to 
the shop and to my home. Fifty people 
showed up at the shop that day. Гуе re- 
ceived hundreds of threatening e-mails 
and calls. My husband and I are so 
afraid of what some nut might do to us 
or our kids, we're moving to a new ty. 


Segal claims it's all a joke. I filed a law- 
suit asking for $1 million—anyone can 
call me ugly or criticize my boob job, 
but giving out my personal informa- 
tion and inviting people to harass me 
crosses the line. 


Cynthia Hollander 
Rockville, Maryland 
We agree, although legally it's a tricky is- 
sue. Segal could argue thal he has a First 
Amendment right lo organize protests 
against your “lifestyle.” But there are limits. 
For example, the First Amendment may not 
protect the Nuremberg Files, an online site 
where zealots post the names and home ad- 
dresses of physicians who perform abortions 
A federal court has ruled that this informa- 
tion, in context, puts doctors at risk. In your 
case, the judge will have to decide where 


your claim falls in this gray area of free 
"speech law: Did you make yourself a public 
figure by posting nude images of yourself 
online? Did Segal get your personal infor- 
malion legally? Do curiosity seekers at your 
door constitute harassment or a mere annoy- 
ance? We could share Segal's home address 
and phone number with our readers—turn- 
about is fair play, right? —but he hasn't 
made it public and we don't consider any- 
one's desire for privacy to be a joke. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and stale or province. 


— — FORUM F.Y.. O —— — 


In February 2002, the Transportation Security Administration: 
agency formed to oversee airport security—began tre 


a new federal 
king the number of 


Weapons confiscated by screeners. The TSA says the drop in weapons 


seized between August and Si 


ptember indicates people are wising up. But a 


former FAA security official pointed out in the Los Angeles Times that with so 


many weapons still being found, a 
through. “It's a real educational 
Angele: 
and say, 
take this knife to Kansas. 
ed, but the weapons ari 
Scissors, pocketknives, 


frightening number 
hallenge 
International Airport. "People brin: 
I thought you would understand. I'm not a terrorist. | just want to 
Most passengers who are detained are not arrest: 
ated. The most commonly seized items are 
corkscrews and mace. 


are likely getting 
said the director of security at Los 
a big knife through screening 


56 


N E W 


SFR 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


ze Шы 


WILMINGTON, DELAWARE— The city has 
launched a program in which "jump-out" 
squads of as many as 18 cops burst from 
an unmarked van in poor neighborhoods 


and search people for drugs and weapons. 
Even if no contraband is found, police 
snap a photo of Ihe person for their rec- 
ords. Police say they arrested 83 percent of 
the first 658 people detained. It's the other 
17 percent that most concern critics, who 
cite a 1968 Supreme Court ruling that 
forbids police from fishing for suspects in 
high-crime areas. Defenders of the practice 
say that as long as а person is in public, 
he's fair game for anyone who wants to 
take his photo, including the police. 

SEATTLE—In 1999 police arrested а 
man for “upskirting,” ie., taking a photo 
up a woman's skirt at a shopping тай. A 
year later, police arrested another man for 
videotaping under women's skirts at a food 
festival. A jury convicted both men under 
the state's voyeurism law (Washington does 
not specifically ban upskirting). This past 
fall the state supreme court overturned the 
convictions, ruling that while the men's ac- 
tions were "disgusting and reprehensible,” 
they weren't illegal under the voyeurism 
law, in part because the women were in 
public places where they have less expecta- 
tion of privacy. 


ESCORTS ONLINE —— 


TamPa—BigDoggie.net charges escorts 
and agencies 8200 lo $1200 per month to 


advertise their services. Surfers pay $130 
annually to browse the site's ads and share 
noles in a private chat room about the best 
and worst “providers” and how to avoid 
stings. Prosecutors have charged BigDog- 
gie’s owners with racketeering and aiding 
prostitution. A defense attorney likened the 
site lo High Times magazine, which is pro- 
lected by the First Amendment even though 
it discusses illegal activity. A detective on 
the case responded, “High Times doesn't put 
pot growers in contact with pot buyers.” 


PORN BABY —— 


WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—A video 
production company announced plans to 
filma pregnant stripper giving birth for a 
scene in a porn movie called Ripe. The 
government's child welfare agency asked a 
Judge lo prevent the filming by giving it 
wardship of the unboru child. "The baby 
faces the prospect, locally at least, of grow- 
ing up being known as Ihe porn baby,” the 
agency argued. The court ruled that the 
birth could be videotaped as long as the re- 
sulting film showed only the molher and 
not the child (including ultrasound scans 
of the fetus). When hospital officials said 
they wouldn't allow the cameras in the de- 
livery room for “unlawful purposes," the 
director threatened to “nuke them.” He lat- 
er changed his tune, dropping plans for 
the movie because of whal he said were his 
concerns for the health of the mother 


e] 

EARLYSVILLE, VIRGINIA—AS а reward 
for completing a gun safety course at a 
National Rifle Association youth camp, a 
12-year-old boy received a T-shirt display- 
ing Ihe NRA logo and silhouettes of three 
men—one holding a pistol, one with a 
shotgun and one firing a rifle. He wore 
the shirt to school, where an administrator 
ordered him to turn it inside out. She told 
the boy thal images of guns violated the 
dress code. The NRA filed a 8150,000 
lawsuit against the school, accusing ad- 
ministrators of violating the boy's First 
Amendment rights. 


PROTECTED SEK 


PHOENIX—Is this what they mean by 
gay rights? Police arrested the owners of 
four swinger clubs for allegedly violating 
an ordinance that bans businesses from 
providing “the opportunity to engage in or 


view live sex acts.” Police did not raid two 
homosexual clubs. The city prosecutor ex- 
plained, “Any businesses that cater lo gays 
are given special consideration by the 
so we are not perceived as discriminating.” 
The owners of two of the raided clubs filed 
a $15 million lawsuit against the city. 
They also now require partygoers to sign 
Statements swearing they aren't cops. 


—HAZARDDUS MATERIAL 


WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND—The 12 
censors al New Zealand's Office of Film 
and Literature Classification spend their 
days monitoring films, videos, books, mag- 
azines and computer games for illegal ma- 
terial. To combat the "psychological pollu- 
tion” of the job, the government gives each 
hazard pay of $1050 per year (U.S. $582). 
The chief censor says his co-workers have 
told him they use the bonuses for "gym mem- 
berships, music lessons und the like." 


GOING SOUTH = 


BIRMINGHAM. ALABAMA—Five years af- 
ter state legislators banned the sale of sex 
toys such as vibrators and dildos, six wom- 
en who sell toys or said they used them 
challenged the law in federal court. A fed- 
eral judge overturned the statute in 1999, 
but the state's attorney general appealed 


and a higher court told the judge to take 
another look at the case. This past October 
the judge completed his review and reached 
the same decision: The law had to go. "The 
fundamental right to privacy incorporates 
а right to sexual privacy," he wrote. 


FINALLY, A CIGAR 
WORTHY OF THE NAME> 


TRINIDAD 


ARE. YOU MAN ENOUGH TO SMOKE. ONE? 


If so, send your name, address and a copy of your Drivers License to: 


TRINIDAD, PO. BOX 407 166PF Fl. Lauderdale, FL 33340-7166. 


FOR TIL TRINIDAD 108 
SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: > x N; B 


Cigar Smoking Can Cause Lung Cancer 
and Heart Disease. 


WAIT 45 MINUTES AFTER EATING. 


With variable valve timing for seamless power and an available 6-speed sequential manual 
MR2 SPYDER transmission for clutchless shifting, the MR2 Spyder satisfies a big appetite for performance. 


GET THE FEELING \ ‚ CD TOYOTA 


‚ 


sam mewe JIMMY KIMMEL 


a candid conversation with to’s ultimate guy about his urethra, his new abe talk show, a 


marriage gone bad, masturbating in h 


[fice and why he's had only 20 blow jobs in 35 years 


Hide the women and children —Ameri 
ca's favorite knucklehead is about to turn 
late-night television into a beer bash full of 
barking fans, jerh-off jokes and bobbling bi- 
kini babes. Tonight after Nightline: Chicks on 
Pogo Sticks! 

H could happen. Jimmy Kimmel s late-night 
show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, debuts this month 
on ABC, right afier Ted Koppel and Night- 
line. As Kimmel’s buddy Carson Daly puts it, 
network TV had better “look the fuck out.” 

Kimmel, 35, made his mark with Comedy 
Central's The Man Show, a middle-finger 
salute to all things ball-scratchingly male, 
including beer, football, farting and making 
fun of midgets. Now he has a network man- 
date to manhandle the midnight hour, and 
here's the news: He's not going to do it. 

Like his hero David Letterman, Kimmel 
grew up with one ambition: He wanted to 
host a traditional talk show—only funnier. 
So he'll have a desk, a band and a parade of 
guests plugging their new films, CDs and 
TV shows. ere's a reason for those talk- 
show conventions,” he says. "TI 
That's why there will be no Juggy girls on the 
Kimmel show, no beer for the audience, no 
portrait of Evel Knievel and no midgets, un- 
less Mini-Me stops by. Just a good old-fash- 
ioned chat show of the sort Jack Paar and 
Johnny Carson pioneered and Letterman per- 


py work." 


“Ws funny how all of this has worked out— 
1 wasn't popular in high school, but now 
every drunken guy in the United States 
wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me 
a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up." 


fected. With a manly twist, of course. Stupid 
penis tricks, anyone? 

Kimmel was born in Brooklyn and moved 
with his family to Las Vegas when he was 
nine, As a teen he was unpopular, a TV freak 
who worshipped Letterman. But geeky Jim- 
my wasn't а total loss. He was smart and he 
could make people laugh. Afier dropping out 
of college he held radio jobs in Vegas, Flori- 
da and Seattle—riffing live, making prank 
phone calls on the air. ignoring his bosses" 
orders and getling fired again and again 
Finally the world caught on: He scored as 
Jimmy the Sports Guy on KROQ radio in 
Los Angeles and then as co-host of the Com- 
edy Central game show Win Ben Stein's Mon- 
ey. That gig won him an Emmy, and soon he 
moved on to а new show, teaming with his 
friend Adam Carolla to create Oprah's worst 
nightmare. 

The Mon Show wallowed in everything 
that modern, enlightened men were supposed 
to have left behind. Crude, lewd and un- 
ashamed, it made Kimmel a star. But The 
Man Show and Kimmel's hilarious appear- 
ances on Fox NFL Sunday were only a warm- 
up. In fact, he was getting tired of them. He 
was ready for something bigger and scari- 
er—a network show that would pit him 
against Letterman and Jay Leno. Il is a 
challenge that will make or break his career 


“One time I was having sex with my wife and 
got this headache. Next day, l'm in my office 
masturbating and it happens again. Turns 
out it’s called HDO, headache during or- 
gasm. It happens to guys in their 30s." 


(consider Conan O'Brien and Chevy Chase). 
We sent Kevin Cook lo meet Kimmel as he 
planned his invasion of network TV. 


PLAYBOY: Are you taking late night into 
the gutter? 

KIMMEL: People expect me to do that, but 
I don't vant to be in the gutter with 
Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake. Or Dr. 
Phil—a guy pretending to help people 
when he's just making spectacles out of 
them. That's the gutter to me. I want to 
be like Letterman and Leno and Coran 
O'Brien. So my show will look like theirs. 
A desk and chairs—— 

PLAYBOY: What about guests? 

KIMMEL: We'll have them. Yes, guests. 
and chairs for them, too. I just want to 
do what I watched Letterman do every 
night of my youth. You know how in 
high school, some guys play football and 
some are good students? I was the ob- 
sessed-with-Letterman guy. 

PLAYBOY: And it worked out. 

KIMMEL: It doesn't get you much pussy, 
though. It's funny how all of this has 
worked out—I wasn't popular in high 
school, but now every drunken guy in 
the United States wants to be my pal. 
"They all want to buy me a shot, and pret- 
ty soon I'm throwing up. 

PLAYBOY: You spent months picking a 


^] read that if you took the meat out of а ba- 
nana, the peel feels like a vagina. So Pd go 
to the supermarket with a boner and buy ba- 
nanas. But it didn't work. You have to have 
а very small penis to fuck a banana." 


59 


PLAYBOY 


60 wasn't “only for morons.” 


name for the show. Why Jimmy Kimmel 
Live? 

KIMMEL: For a long time ABC held off. I 
think they wanted a name they could 
keep when they replace me. Jimmy Kim 
mel Live With Chris Rock—that would be 
awkward. 

PLAYBOY: But the chairman of ABC En- 
tertainment is calling you “somebody we 
want to groom.” 

KIMMEL: He meant that literally, because 
my hygiene isn't the best. 

PLAYBOY: Disney president Robert Iger 
says, "When you look at Jimmy, there is 
always a feeling you can touch him." Do 
you want America touching you? 
KIMMEL: As long as it steers clear of my 
privates. 

PLAYBOY: So that's why you'll have the 
desk. 

KIMMEL: Yes. The desk will be a barrier 
between the hands of America and my 
penis. 

PLAYBOY: Do you like being on late, when 
people will be having sex while they 
watch? 

KIMMEL: I don't, actually. ГЇЇ be like the 
dog in the corner of the room, except 
that I can't really sec anything. And look- 
ing at me isn't going to help anybody 
have better sex. I'll probably cause more 
fights than couplings. 

PLAYBOY: You had some problems with 
the censors when you were on The Man 
Show. Do you expect trouble with ABC 
censors? 

KIMMEL: Please call them standards and 
practices, They hate being called cen- 
sors. But, yeah, I plan to push the rules 
because they can be ridiculous. On Com- 
edy Central you can say boner but not 
hard-on. I have asked to see the list of 
stuff I can't say, but they won't give it up. 
The list is in their heads. But my ABC 
show will be live, so it’s their problem. 
They'll have six seconds to decide—a 
six-second delay to either dump out or 
let me go, “Hard-on! Oh, pardon me, 
boner.” 

PLAYBOY: What else bugs you about stan- 
dards and practices? 

KIMMEL: They blur a middle finger. That 
is nonsense! Thumbs are fine. You can 
lip-synch "fuck you," and that's OK. 
Watch a baseball game. They might as 
well advertise it: “Fans, you'll see “fuck 
you in slow fuck-you motion!" But they 
blur a middle finger. My Comedy Cen- 
tral show Crank Yankers was originally 
called Prank Puppets, but the lawyers said 
the word prank would open us up to lia- 
bility. My head almost exploded. They 
just want to cover their asses, so they say 
no to everything. 

PLAYBOY: Are the censors starchy right- 
wing 
KIMMEL: Some are OK. The one we had 
at Comedy Central would laugh at our 
stuff and then kill it. For her birthday we 
sent her a gift basket full of dildos. 
PLAYBOY: You once said The Man Show 
What moron 


percentage were you shooting for? 
KIMMEL: Hey, I know this sounds crazy, 
but ABC did some research, and a great- 
er percentage of college-educated peo- 
ple watch The Man Show than Nightline. 
Smart people can be perverts, too. Ben- 
Jamin Franklin wrote a whole essay about 
how funny farting is. Some people sim- 
ply refuse to enjoy stuff like that, which 
is too bad for them. Caviar might be 
great, but McDonald's french fries are 
really good, too. I love Woody Allen, but 
I also love Benny Hill, who was the in- 
spiration for The Man Show. Growing up 
in Las Vegas, 1 watched Benny Hill re- 
runs. I remember seeing nudity a couple 
of times, and electricity ran through me. 
I would watch 20 hours in a row just to 
see a little nipple through lingeric. 
PLAYBOY: Were you sexually precocious? 
KIMMEL: No. But I tried stuff. I read that 
if you take the meat out of a banana, the 
peel feels like a vagina. So I'd go to the 
supermarket with a boner and buy ba- 
nanas. But it didn't work. They didn't 
hold together. You have to have a very 
small penis to fuck a banana. 

PLAYBOY: Do you have any other tips for 


I was practically celibate 
for the last 15 years. 
Hawing sex twice 
a month is not 
hard to replace 
with masturbation. 


young jerk-offs? 


su 
nent with vacuum clean- 
ers, but a handful of Vaseline is the way 
to go. 
PLAYBOY: You like to denigrate your sex 
life with lines like “I haven't had a blow 
job since 1985." That's shtick, isn't it? 
KIMMEL: It's not. I'm separated from my 
wife, and that's part of it. We got mar- 
ried really young and somewhere along 
the line, something happened. Her sex- 
ual attraction for me was not there. And 
it made me very resentful. 
PLAYBOY: You were the only TV star who 
wasn't getting any? 
KIMMEL: I won't say sex was the main 
sue in our separation. I was just taking 
stock of my life. 1 was turning 34 and 
thinking, Is this what I want for the next 
40 years? It wasn't. I was a bystander in 
my own life. 
PLAYBOY: Your kids, Katie and Kevin, are 
still in grade school. How have they han- 
dled the scparation? 
KIMMEL: They were upset for about = 
hours. But 1 bought a house in the sa 
neighborhood, down the block from thie 
old house. And my Man Show partner, 


Adam Carolla, told me something very 
and simple. He said, “Listen, the 
kids are going to be upset. Get a swim- 
ming pool.” So 1 did, and my kids can't 
wait to come over. They love the pool 
PLAYBOY: After the kids go home, you're 
not doing without female companion- 
ship, are you? 
KIMMEL: Oh yes, 1 am. But I'm not lone- 
some. I'm busy. I work until midnight ev- 
ery night. Anyway, I was practically celi- 
bate for the last 15 years. You get used to 
it. Having sex twice a month is not hard 
to replace with masturbation. 
PLAYBOY: You were really celibate for 
weeks at a time? 
KIMMEL: Absolutely. But I don't want to 
blame my wife. She wasn't happy, either. 
I'm really a pain in the ass to live with 
I'm very driven and it manifests itself as 
hostility. 
PLAYBOY: Now you work and watch TV? 
KIMMEL: | have a 100-inch television and 
Г watch Letterman every night. I love Curb 
Your Enthusiasm, too. And 1 watch The 
Man Show. Adam Carolla is the funniest 
person I know. 
PLAYBOY: He says you'll be the successor 
to Letterman and Leno. 
KIMMEL: Adam and 1 are deeply in love. 
It's a shame we're not gay. 
PLAYBOY: Do you have a gay side? 
KIMMEL: I would never have gay sex, but 
Adam and I are always looking at each 
other and going, "This is so gay." When 
we go on trips, we slcep in the same ho- 
tel room. In the same bed. One timc 
we're in this shitty motel in Seattle and I 
have to masturbate. So I say, “Adam, I 
need to take a shit.” I go into the bath- 
room and fire one off in the tub. Then 
he goes in to take a shower. Ten minutes 
later I hear a scream. Adam was basical- 
ly attacked by a clump of my sperm. You 
know, if that stuff's on the wall and you 
bump into it, it will grab onto your body 
hair and won't let go! I laughed about 
that for an hour 
PLAYBOY: Let's switch from sperm to oth- 
er manly things. What about earrings? 
Should a guy wear one? 
KIMMEL: Never. Earrings on guys are 
diculous. 
PLAYBOY: Harrison Ford has one. 
KIMMEL: He should be ashamed. He's an 
86-ycar-old man! Did Calista Flockhart 
tell him it's cool? If I saw Harrison Ford, 
1 would stick my pinkie through that 
thing and yank it out of his ear. 
PLAYBOY: Let's talk football—do NFL play- 
ers like you? 
KIMMEL: Mainly the young ones. Last 
year 1 wanted to tape a bit with the Pa- 
triots. Tom Brady said he'd love to do it. 
But Drew Bledsoe was like, “Fuck you." 
Bledsoe could not have been a bigger 
prick. I was glad he didn't play in the Su- 
per Bowl. He got his karma. But I like 
; too. I used to 


but he is a genuinely nice person. Not 


pei 


deos s FREE when 
u order today! 


Mail to: Sinclair Intimacy Institute, Dept 8PB117, PO Box 8865, Chapel Hill, NC 27515 


100% Satisfaction Guaranteed! 


‘Specify format, check ane: VHS or DVD Total 
Name 
Address 
П City = 
-Volume Set and Save SIO Stale 
ASK MONEY опрен Cerek CARY Сме DISCOVER Сумах E 
TOTAL, 


Carod 


EXPIRATION DATE 


NC orders please add 6 


lcs v. Canadian Orders add L.S 56 shippi 


* Sorry 


Y THAT TAM OVER АСЕ 


«COD SPRUT 


61 


PLAYBOY 


like Cris Carter with his Jesus stuff. Car- 
ter is a self-absorbed piece of shit who 
couldn't give a crap about anybody. 
PLAYBOY: Which other reps need some 
trashing? 

KIMMEL: Jason Sehorn seems like a pho- 
ny. Michacl Strahan got mad at me be- 
cause I joked about his mystery sack 
of Brett Favre last year. But here's the 
thing—Strahan had no choice. If the guy 
lies down for you, you sack him. 
PLAYBOY: Favre shouldn't have done it. 
That sack set the league record. 

KIMMEL: As wrong as it was, it was a cool 
thing to do. And it fucked up Mark Gas- 
tineau, who used to have the record and 
who is a fucking lunati 
PLAYBOY: Sometimes Terry Bradshaw, 
Cris Collinsworth and Howie Long, the 
Fox football guys, really seem to hate 
you. 

KIMMEL: They get seriously mad. The 
fact is, I can get the better of those guys, 
and they're bullies. If we were in high 
school together they'd pick me up and 
twist my nipples and shove me into a 
wall. They'd give me a wedgie and snap 
me in the ass with a towel. 

PLAYBOY: Not Collinsworth. 

KIMMEL: Yes he would. He's a big, strong 
guy. You don't get to the NFL being 
a wimp. Howie Long has a head like a 
great dane and he’s built like a panther. 
Guys like that are not used to being 
made fun of. Howie threatened to beat 
me up, and he wasn't kidding. He threat- 
ened to beat up my producer, too. 
PLAYBOY: Did you think that Howie 
might pummel you? 

KIMMEL: Absolutely. But he probably 
won't—he's smart enough to know he'd 
get sued. This is a tough guy who's used 
to settling scores on the field. It's hard 
for him to sit there and take it from some 
fat comedian he could crush. 

PLAYBOY: Did you like Dennis Miller on 
Monday Night Football? 

KIMMEL: I thought hiring him was a ball- 
sy, interesting thing to do. He despises 
me because I goof on him and he's an 
egomaniac, but if he's smart he will read 
these words and pay attention: Dennis 
Miller's problem is that he thinks it's 
more important to show how smart he is 
than how funny he is. 

PLAYBOY: He started spouting stats, sound- 
ing like an analyst. 

KIMMEL; I don't give a shit what he knows 
about football. Funny people are a lot 
more rare than smart ones. 

PLAYBOY: Give us a personal stat. You 
once said that you have a small penis, 
but you've also said it's anywhere from 
19 inches to half the size of Toronto's 
CN Tower. 

KIMMEL: OK, OK. It's somewhere be- 
tween 19 inches and the CN Tower. I 
have an above-average-size penis for a 
white person. 

PLAYBOY: And how about your friend 


62 Carson Daly? 


KIMMEL: It's hysterical you mention that. 
He was at my house two nights ago, and 
I said, “Carson, а publicist told a friend 
of mine that you have a huge penis." He 
said, "Really?" He hadn't heard. 
PLAYBOY: Is it true? 

KIMMEL: I haven't seen Carson's penis, 
but I'm saying yes because he's a friend. 
Everybody says David Duchovny has a 
huge penis. He was on the radio with me 
when a woman called in and mentioned 
it; he got really mad. I said, "Come on. 
Who are you kidding, pretending to be 
angry?" I pray every night there'll be a 
rumor about my peni 

PLAYBOY: Now there will be. We know it's 
above average. 

KIMMEL: Please tell everyone. 

PLAYBOY: How much above average? 
KIMMEL: I heard 5.4 inches is average, so 
ГЇЇ say 20 percent above. And while 
we're on penises, did you know that if 
you're an organ donor, they make your 
flesh into rolls and sell them to penis sur- 
geons? This was on 60 Minutes. Burn vic- 
tims can't get skin because plastic sur- 
geons are paying a premium for it. Now, 
I'm an organ donor, and this troubles 


Dennis Miller's problem 
is that he thinks 
it’s more important 
to show how smart 
he is than how 
funny he is. 


me. I want my eyeballs to go to the kid in 
the car accident, but I don't need a cou- 
ple of guys banging each other in the ass 
with my skin. 

PLAYBOY: You had a penis operation, 
didn't you? 

KIMMEL: I had three operations on my 
urethra. It was too small—the opening, 
not the penis. It’s pretty rare. They had 
to slice it open to make it bigger, but it 
healed back to the same small size. 1 had 
two more operations and it's still not 
right. I used to pee with deadly accura- 
cy from 40 feet. Now my aim is terrible. 
The other day at work I peed all over 
myself. Not just a few spots, so I could 
say, “Oh, the water splashed on me.” It 
was everywhere. I had to announce to 
my staff that I'd peed on myself. 
PLAYBOY: You're a medical wreck. 
KIMMEL: One time I was having sex with 
my wife and got this horrible headache. 
I felt like Bruce Banner hulking out. 
Next day, I'm in my office masturbating 
and it happens again. Turns out that it’s 
called HDO, headache during orgasm 
It happens to guys in their 305. You get it 
for about two weeks, then it goes away. | 
had a CAT scan and they said there was 


nothing wrong. 

PLAYBOY: How did your brain look on 

the scan? 

KIMMEL: They didn't show me. Га like to 

see it, though. 1 love stuff like that. 1 

would pay $20,000 to see a mountain of 

all the shits I've ever taken. Is that crazy? 

Pd also like to see a stack of all the pizzas 

I've eaten. I figured this out once—it's 

something like 1500. 

PLAYBOY: A minute ago you said, “I was 

masturbating in my office” as if it’s the 

most natural thing in the world. 

KIMMEL: I do it every night. 

PLAYBOY: How so? 

KIMMEL: With my hand on my penis. I'll 

watch soft porn on cable or look at pic- 

tures on the Internet. 

PLAYBOY: You don't have an office show- 

er What's your receptacle? 

KIMMEL: The whole room. It's my own 

masturbatorium. 

PLAYBOY: What does the maid think of 

her duties? 

KIMMEL: 1 clean up after myself. It's fun- 

ny—I'll freely discuss this in a magazine 

millions of people will read, yet if my 

maid found one tissue I would die of 

embarrassment. 

PLAYBOY: You're shy. 

KIMMEL: And, fortunately, she can't read 

English. 

PLAYBOY: Women hated The Man Show, 

didn't they? 

KIMMEL: No. Our audience was 38 per- 

cent female. Older women might have 

hated The Man Show, but younger ones 

knew we were kidding. 

PLAYBOY: Why the difference? 

KIMMEL: Younger women don't feel as op- 

pressed. They feel like they could be 

president if they wanted. 

PLAYBOY: Tony Fox, a Comedy Central 

spokesman, said there could be a post- 

Kimmel Man Show with a female host. 

KIMMEL: I officially declare Tony Fox an 

idiot. 

PLAYBOY: What if it were Roseanne? 

KIMMEL: No way. They put a female host 

on Win Ben Stein's Money and drove the 

show into the toilet. 

PLAYBOY: One priceless Man Show seg- 

ment was "Household Hints From Adult 

Film Stars." What was the best hint? 

KIMMEL: Jenna Jameson getting tarnish 

off а candlestick. She's rubbing white 

cream, baking soda and water up and 

down this phallic candlestick. She really 

did get it clean. It was sexy. 

PLAYBOY: Why isn't porn better? 

lecause it's fake. They re acting. 

е is when some guy and his 

girlfriend filin themselves and then it 

winds up on the Internet. Amateur sex 

videos—there's a site called Morpheus 

that's good for that. 

PLAYBOY: Why do men think lesbian sex 

is exciting, but women don't want to see 

men having sex? 

KIMMEL: Because two men having sex is 
(continued on page 138) 


. LEADERS STAND APART 
` BUT NOT ALONE 


Follow your instincts and 
you'll find premium tobacco 
at a sensible price. 


INTER 


NE СК 
JaA 
я Ў 
$ i 


TASTE THE SPIRIT" 


THE CELEBRATED CRIME FIGHTERS 
OF THE 20TH CENTURY 
HAVE A NEW CHALLENGE THAT 
MAY BE A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 


* A 25, 25.05.05. 25,4 


Y JEFFREY ROBINSON 


In the name of fighting terrorists 
(and covering their own asses), At- 
torney General John Ashcroft and 
FBI director Robert Mueller have 
caused an upheaval in American 
law enforcement. Crimes of all 
sorts are ignored now while feder- 
al investigators operate with a sin- 
gle objective: detect and prevent 
the next terrorist attack. 

Within hours of the World 
Trade Center and Pentagon at- 
tacks, the FBI began moving 

resources from law enforce- 
ment functions to counterter- 
rorism. Since then, the FBI 

has transformed itself into a 

counterterror organization. 

“We are not going to be 
judged in the future by 

how many successful pros- 
eculions we have of ter- 
rorists. We'll be judged by 
our capacity to prevent 
additional terrorist at- 
tacks,” Mueller an- 
nounced last year. 


The problem is that 
it's an impossible task. 
Shortly before he 

talked about prevent- 
| ing more attacks, 
H Mucller said bluntly, 
“There vill be an- 
other attack. We 
will not be able to 
stop it." 
"The assignment 


to predict and prevent another attack is un- 
reasonable and, according to many people 
in law enforcement, ultimately dangerous. 
These officials fear that efforts to prevent 
the sorts of fiascos that happened in the past 
may create even worse fiascos in the future. 

“This one-trick pony—to discover what 
can't be discovered—is going to do us in,” 
one investigator said. 

Having reported and written about law 
enforce- 
ment issues 
for two 
decades, I 
have gotten 
to know 
men and 
women 
from the 
FBI, other 
intelligence 
services and 
police de- 
partments. When I talked to them about the 
post-September 11 FBI, they spoke candid- 
ly but in most cases anonymously. You will 
understand why. 

Many agents told me that Mueller and 
Ashcroft want, above all, to prevent further 
embarrassment to government officials. 

For the old hands in law enforcement, 
“detect and prevent” really means, as one 
FBI veteran said, “Take actions now that will 
exculpate you and your bosses once the at- 


—ELAINE SMITH, SUPERVISOR OF 
SPECIAL AGENTS, FBI 


tack actually mg 

happens." WA diem, тн. 
An FBI man- { IRNING 

ager put it this 

way: "I worry : 

every time I ШШЩЕ 


Samen 


hear talk of reor- 
ganizing. The 
words restruc- 
turing and re- 
organizing are too often eu- 
phemisms for ‘we're making us look 
good.’ It's nothing but a ball of confu- 
sion. It wastes a tremendous amount 
of time and paper. When we are 
done restructuring, all that will have 
changed is our routing slips. We've 
changed the wiring diagram but 
haven't improved anything. We 
haven't really made it any more 
efficient." 

To be sure, most agents have 
enough loyalty to the institution, to 
say nothing of a sense of self-preserva- 
tion, that they follow orders as best 
they can. Noone needs to tell them 
how serious the danger is, nor how 
important their own resourcefulness 


is, given the new, highly politicized cir- 


cumstances. They tend to keep their 
misgivings to themselves and to trust- 
ed friends. 


Mueller sent the word out early that 
agents should keep their complaints 
inside the bureau. That did not keep 


Special Agent Robert Wright Jr., work- 


ing out of the Chicago office, from go- 
ing public last May with this state- 
ment: "The FBI has proved for the 


past decade it cannot identify and pre- 


vent acts of terrorism against the U.S. 
and its citizens at home and abroad. 
Knowing what I know, I can confi- 
dently say that until the investiga- 
буе responsibilities for terrorism are 
transferred from the FBI, I will not 
feel safe." 

If that sounds bleak, consider what 
Louis Freeh, who ran the FBI for 
eight years until he retired in June 
2001, told a joint hearing of the 


House and Senate intelligence com- 
mittees last October: "Al Qaeda-type 
Organizations, state sponsors of terror- 
ism like Iran and the threats they pose 
to America are beyond the compe- 
tence of the FBI and the CIA." 

Both agencies, prior to Septem- 
ber 11, failed to share and exploit in- 
formation each had received. (See The 
FBI vs. the CIA on page 70.) Neverthe- 

less, Freeh boast- 

ed about his 
own perfor- 
mance in 


plained 
that Con- 
gress had nev- 
er given the FBI 
enough money. In fact, between 1993 
and 1999, the number of agents as- 
signed to terrorism rose from 600 to 
1300. “While at first blush that may 
sound like a lot,” Freeh said, “the FBI 
had requested significantly more 
counterterrorism resources during 
this period.” 

With so many FBI personnel now 
assigned to catching terrorists, many 
traditional investigations have been ig- 
nored. Since the FBI reorganization 
began, the national crime index (pre- 
pared by the bureau), which 
counts murders, гарез, aggra- 


Abbreviation allegedly coined by 
Machine Gun Kelly, who was 
pressed for time. His words— 
“Don't shoot, G-men!”—were ut- 
tered as the FBI agents broke in- 
to his bedroom with guns drawn 
early on the morning of Septem- 
ber 26, 1933. The G, of course, 
stands for government. 


DRE 
ANGELA YVON 


vated as- 
saults, rob- 
beries, burglar- 
ies, larcenies 
and motor ve- 
hicle thefts, 
among other 
crimes, has risen two percent. 


Murder has increased by 3.1 
percent, robbery by 3.9 per- 
cent. The moment the FBI was 
pulled out of various car-theft 
task forces, incidents of that 
crime went up 5.9 percent. 

ver since September 11 
been a great time to be a white- 
collar criminal or a drug deal- 
er,” said Elaine Smith, a former 
supervisor of FBI special 
agents. 

Nearly 60 agents who had 
been working on 
white-col- 
lar crime 


Tee e 


years, told The New York Times, “The 
country is in as much danger on the 
white-collar crime front as it is on the 
terror front. False accounting, false 
pushing of stocks can do as much 
damage to the economy as a plane fly- 
ing into the World Trade Center.” 

Indeed, white-collar criminals may 
even benefit from the new FBI. Enti- 
ties such as the Securities and Ex- 
change Commission were responsible 
for picking up the slack after the FBI 
was pulled away from what the Bush 
administration called an "all-out war 
on corporate corruption.” When cor- 
porate felons were in the news, Presi- 
dent Bush asked for $100 million to 
augment the SEC's efforts in fighting 
white-collar crime. In October 2002, 
when corporate corruption had ebbed 
in the headlines, Bush withdrew the 
request for additional funds. 

The FBI no longer investigates gov- 
ernment corruption, leaving that to 
the Inspector General's Office. Prose- 
cutions are expected to decline next 
year, according to veteran agents— 
good news for crooked politicians. 

The FBI is pulling out of investigat- 
ing violent crimes, ex- 
cept for the highest- 


J FEN 2002 Wu 


profile murders. And it is out of the 
business of chasing drug traffickers. 
ЕВІ agents, especially along the U.S. 


“Real terrorists 
laugh at sound 
bites. Real terror- 
ists prefer 
real sounds,” said 
one investigator. 


border with Mexico, have been told to 
hunt down terror cells, meaning they 
no longer work with U.S. Customs to 
keep out drugs, illegal aliens and 
weapons. 

My sources told me that they saw 
the difference quickly once the FBI 
all but abandoned the business of law 
enforcement. 

“We've had information involving 
leading international organized crime 
figures, whom we have essentially kept 
out of the country—and not just phys- 
ically,” a veteran FBI official said. 
“Now they're saying, ‘It’s time to go 
back; the FBI's busy." 

Some criminals have expressed 
their new confidence in encounters 


_ 


that sound like the movies. A young 
Mobster, for example, explained to 
a former federal investigator, whom 
he had known for years, that his fami- 
ly's fortunes had changed. For many 
years they had been in eclipse. But in 
the past year, the family had managed 
to regain its footing in the New York 
metropolitan area with a lucrative car- 
theft and chop-shop business. "We're 
thankful," he said. "God has smiled on 
us again. No surveillance, no wiretaps, 
no pressure." The explanation was 
simple: The FBI had virtually disap- 
peared and, the Mobster said, “When 
the cat's away, the mice will play.” 
Terrorists, too, have every reason to 
like the new FBI. For one thing, they 
no longer have to worry about being 
discovered through a criminal investi- 
gation. Before the shift to all-terror, 
the FBI had helped the Drug Enforce- 
ment Administration in an investiga- 
tion ofa methamphetamine distribu- 
tion ring in several Southern states. 
Eventually, the investigation led to 
Middle Eastern communities, Pakistan 
and on to Al Qaeda. Now, unless a 
crime has an obvious terror link, there 
is no enthusiasm, manpower, time or 
(continued on page 143) 


RECRUITING 


THE FBI vs THE CIA | WEIRDOS FOR 


CS THE FBI vs 
Triumphant press 
conferences have 
E become part of the 
2 landscape since 
September 11, as 
Attorney General 
سه‎ John Ashcroft 
and other govern- 
ment officials 
E try to assure the 
American public that the 
FBI is catching terrorists, The num- 
m bers seem comforting. Before Septem- 
ber 11, the FEI sought the prosecu- 
tion of individuals labeled as interna- 
B tional terrorists at the rate of about 
10 per month. The monthly average 
Jumped to nearly 60, with a total of 
395 referrals for prosecution, in the 
first six months after the attacks. 
Most of them were said to be crooks 
mn ei pipa the subconti- 
or le E; 
ed ties to Al Qaeda. AN Ww SÍ 
U.S. attorneys refused to pros 
|__| 61 percent of those referrals. ating. 
in at least half the cases what Trac- 


a 


Congressional investi- 
gators discovered a series 
of pre-September 11 inci- 
dents in which the FBI and 
the CIA failed to share im- 
portant information. In Ju- 
1y 2001, for example, agents 
in the FBI’s Phoenix office 
warned Washington head- 
quarters that terrorists 


might be training at flight 


schools. The memo named 


two men who were, it turned 
out, on a CIA list of sus- 
pected Al Qaeda agents. The 
CIA never saw the memo. 
On August 6, 2001 a CIA 
report to President Bush 
warned Al Qaeda might hi- 
jack airplanes in the U.S. 
The FBI did not get a copy 


> THE.CAUSE 


The Justice Department 
fact sheet “Crafting an 
Overall Blueprint for 
-Reshaping the 

FBI's Priorities,” is- 
sued in May 2002, in- 
cluded this exhorta- 
tion: “Encourage citi- 
zens to join law en- 
forcement in being vig- 
ilant and watchful for 
suspicious activity.” 
Lewis Lapham, editor 
of “Harper’s” maga- 
zine, called that státe- 
ment “a casting call 
for informants of 


of that report, which might 
have reminded investiga- every known descrip- 
tors, at least in Arizona, of tion—for neighbor- 
the flight school tip. hood gossips and pub- 
Commenting on these and lic scolds as well as 
other screwups, one FBI for professional ctim- 
agent said: “We talk. The + ánals and amateur, 
Be is, we don't always | conspiracy theorists." ` 


“On some nights she sings without the guitar.” 


67 


68 


PLAYBOY’S 


This page, above: Jessica Lauren is a 20-year-old California dream- 
er wha wants la be a pop star. "If | could da ane pop stor, it wauld be 
Pink," she says. "She cames aff sa tough. | think that's what attracts. 
men—and wamen—to her.” Tila Nguyen (right) was barn in Singa- 
pore and lived in Vietnam before her family maved to Texas. “I enjoy 
being called o bitch, but in a good way. 1 know what | want and how 
to get it,” she says. Top and opposite page: Merritt Cabal is a Playboy 
Special Editions madel fram New Orleans wha awns a canstructian 
business. “I'm taugh and don't let much slide,” she says. 


control your joystick 


Y HERE'S NO better way to get your hard drive spin- 
ning than by overloading it with Playboy.com's Cyber Girls. 
Since September 2000 the Cyber Club has featured a new 
beauty every week with the potential to bust out of your 
monitor. At the end of each month Cyber Club members 
vote for their favorite model, and the winner is rewarded 
with a Cyber Girl of the Month pictorial and video. Of 52 
girls chosen last year, the 12 pictured here got your vote 
for having the most byte. Stephanie Heinrich was the first 
Cyber Girl to become a Playmate, but she isn't the last. 
Who could be next? The Alabama slammer? The wedding 
planner? Rollergirl? The karate kid? Whoever does will be 
the focus of a lot of attention, so we decided to ask some 
preliminary questions. For instance, what gets you in the 
mood? “Strawberries are moist, have color and good 
shape and are great to feed to your lover,” says Carolee 
Bass. Tavania Kaye says, "I'm a sucker for full lips. If his 
lips look that good, chances are he knows how to use 
them.” Aubrie Lemon loves to flirt, saving, “It's so much 
fun to tease with words and looks.” We're not teasing, 
though: These girls may make you want to download. 


AN "m 
> Ш U2 


This page, left to right: Tailor James 
has a black belt in karate and is an 
accomplished kickboxer, but the petite 
Canadian insists she's a lover, not a 
fighter. Kate Brenner is a bona fide 
Buddhaphile. She also tends bar and 
is getting her master's degree in psy- 
chology. Opposite page, clockwise 
from left: Aubrie Lemon is no sour- 
puss. “My last name is Lemon, but I'm 
sweet,” says the Sunshine State na- 
tive. “My grandfather calls me Juice.” 
Tavania Kaye won Fox TV’s reality 
show Who Wants to Be a Princess. 
“The prince said he'd always had a 
love for Russian women, so | think 
that's why he chose me,” says the na- 
tive Texan, whose father is Russian. 
Jeanette Martinez is a 26-year-old 
Florida gal with a penchant for roller- 
skating (not Rollerblading) and well- 
groomed guys. “Clean teeth and nice 
hands are sexilicious,” she says. 


2 


Р. == 


This page, clockwise from left: Heather 
Hoke is a professional wedding planner 
from Washington State who is frequently 
told she looks like Ava Gardner. Brittany 
Evans calls herself a “closet nerd” and a 
speed-reader who collects signed first 
editions. Alabama native Nicole White- 
head considers herself a redneck and 
has an apparent lust for danger. “I don't 
like smooth airplane flights," she says. 
"One time | flew through a dang electri- 
cal storm. lt scared me so bad that I 
loved it!" Opposite page: Carolee Bass 
heard a lot of bad pickup lines after she 
moved from Alaska to Arizona. "The 
worst is when guys ask where I’m from 
and launch into something stupid about 
Eskimos and igloos," she says. 


YOU'LL FIND DOZENS MORE SEXY 
CYBER GIRLS AT CYBER.PLAYEOY.COM. 


We were unstable, 


J angry, often bloody 
| t e and reckless. 
that was before 
и е got high and 
Fooled Agaill- the amps 
74 کے‎ 


e were the great group 
for things going wrong. 
Cancellations, electri- 
cal failures, bad weath- 

er, broken-down vans, 
missed dates, slashed thumbs, bro- 
ken noses, sprained knees, bugger-all 


death march that called itself the De- 
tours/the High Numbers/the Who. 

We'd come on with sticking plasters, bleeding. We had 
fistfights onstage. Every five minutes someone was quit- 
ting the band. For the first 15 years we owed money be- 
cause of everything we smashed up, and everything we 
needed. From the beginning we traveled with a small 
bungalow's worth of Marshall cabinets and amps, and 
four or five Rickenbackers for Pete, and always a triple 
kitof red sparkle Premier drums with a big crate of spare 
skins and sticks besides, because our drummer was the 
most physically destructive mild-mannered middle- 
class boy in the Western Hemisphere. 

By 1965 we had the world's loudest gear onstage, and 


ILLUSTRATION BY EDMUND GUY 


PLAYBOY 


76 


we'd scream like victims of the Inquisi- 
tion and not hear our voices. Staying in 
key was an act of faith. It was like when 
you listened to something with ear- 
phones and sang along out of tune be- 
cause there was no way to tell. We al- 
ways had someone in the house who 
could signal us visually as to how we 
were doing. More than once Keith and 
1 got a few bars into one song and real- 
ized that Pete and Roger were having a 
go at another. 

In pubs and in rooming houses we 
were the Little Hooligans’ Circus, be- 
cause there all we had was each other, 
and we hated each other. With Moonie 
it was always, “A bottle of brandy!” and 
then when it came along, “Fuck me, 
Туе fucking knocked it over! Let's have 
another, all right, hey? Fucking bran- 
dy, eh?” and he'd pour some on Roger 
and Roger'd knock him on his Middle- 
sex behind. One night Roger went for 
some of his chips and Keith stuck a 
fork in his hand. 


All schedules disintegrated, All alli- 
ances were temporary. We broke up 
twice a month. Eventually our manag- 
er, who was equal parts long-suffering 
and insufferable, negotiated a truce. A 
certain amount of pride had to be swal- 
lowed on each side. We promised to be- 
have and Roger promised not to hit us. 

Fights with the paying customers 
started from all sorts of things, usually 
alter we came offstage. They didn't last 
long. Roger only had to punch you 
once and that was it. A girl got knocked 
flat by a mike stand in one and we were 
all hauled in front of a magistrate. 

Keith would go up to anyone around 
the bandstand and say, "Have you got 
anything in the upward direction, hey?” 
At Reading he gulped down some poor 
sod's purple hearts—24 of them, at 
once. The guy complained to me after- 
ward that he'd planned them to last 
him three weeks. 

We had this kid called Pill Brian who 
used to come down on his scooter to 
our shows. He'd come down and say, 
"T've got these today," and we'd take all 
of them. “This one's for rheumatism," 
he'd finally say, and Keith'd say, “Yeah, 
T'll have that." 

We played night in-night out for cel- 
lars full of kids out of their brains and 
getting off on R&B. The unstable fell 
over in various directions and you'd 
see clearings appear among the packed- 
in heads. Strangers traded hand jobs 
along the walls while keeping track of 
the show. It was like Imperial Rome. 
When the clubs were raided it sound- 
ed like hailstorms as everyone emptied 
the pills from their pockets onto the 
dance floor. The cops went round frisk- 


ing people and it was like they were 
walking on gravel: crunch crunch crunch. 


e 
Poor Roger couldn't do the pills be- 


cause of his voice and because he drove 
the van. So he'd be stuck stone sober 
driving this bunch of pilled-up louts 
about. He hated it. 

When Pete first started writing, his 
songs were other people's songs badly 
remembered. He was knocked out by 
the Kinks’ You Really Got Me when he 
first heard it, and went home and tried 
to remember it and couldn't, and came 
up with J Can't Explain. 

Ours was a weird kind of enraged. 
what's-the-use protest rock. My Gener- 
ation was a song that said, "We don't 
have to be shit because they say we're 
shit. We can be shit because we say 
we're shit." 


1 was the least-popular one, the im- 
mobile one onstage, stolid Johnny. Fans 
called me the Ox. 1 had much to be 
quiet about. 1 was hopeless for Keith's 
girlfriend, Kim. I'd met her 10 minutes 
after he had. She was sweet to me, noth- 
ing more. I hung about and watched 
her cook. I rubbed myself against ban- 
isters and gateposts after she'd gone by. 

“You're a mate,” Keith'd say to me 
when Га offer to phone her, let her 
know he'd be back late or not at all. 

“Oh, shit,” she'd always say, and even 
that was worth hearing. 

Pete and 1 knew about unrequited 
longing. As a boy 1 had nothing going 
for me, and Pete was a nose on a stick. 

He grew up with parents who came 
out of the end of the war with big ideas 
and left him behind. We met in school, 
when we were 11. 1 remember this wil- 
low switch with a wicked great hooter 
behind me in line sneering, "Entvistle: 
What kind of posh name is that? 

We spent all our time ducking school 
or after school at his house since no 
one was there. He didn't have much 
music at home except his dad honking 
away on a clarinet in the back room. 
They didn't have much of a record play- 
er and they had Ch k's shittiest ra- 
dio. He had a strange relationship with 
his mother. She was beautiful and his 
dad was good-looking, so who knew 
what they made of him. He always said, 
“1 fail to interest them.” He was very 
self-pitying, even then. 

His parents split and left him with 
his grandmother, who was insane. She 
would walk naked in the streets and 
things like that. He said his first musi- 
cal experience vas in the Sea Scouts, 
on a boat ride. A brutal summer day 
and he was lying in the gunwale, swel- 
tering and dropping in and out of 
heatstroke while the outboard motor 


kept making these funny noises. The 
noises, he said, got inside his skull and 
took over his brain while he lay there 
in his swoon. By the time Admiral Nel- 
son had gone up the river and back 
again, Pete had to be carried out of the 
boat, he had been so transported by 
the sound. 

After Tommy came out Pete said to a 
BBC interviewer, "Where did See Me, 
Feel Me come from? It came from a 
four-and-a-half-year-old in a fucking 
unlocked bedroom in a house with a 
madwoman. That's where it came from.” 


We met Roger when we were 13. He 
beat up a friend of ours and Pete shout- 
ed that he was a dirty fighter because 
he'd kicked the boy when he was down. 
Roger came over to us and said, "Who 
called me a dirty fighter?" And Pete 
said, “J didn't." And Roger said, “Yes 
you did." And he took off his belt and 
tried to whip Pete across the face with 
the buckle. We should've taken it as 
asign. 

Fvery time he came up to us in the 
corridor at school we thought, Oh my 
God, what's he going to do now? 
He was a horrible, horrible boy. A re- 
al kind of spiv. And then one day he 
stopped us and said, “1 hear you play 
the guitar." 

He was really the balls of the band 
when we started out. He ran things the 
way he wanted. If you argued with him 
you usually got a bunch of fives. 

He was a shit singer at first, but no- 
body needed a singer in those days 
anyway. What was needed was some- 
body who could fight, and that was 
Roger. 

We listened to records and copied 
what we could. We rehearsed together 
in the front room of Pete's house. Hc 
had a good guitar that he had paid 
for himself with a paper route. Our 
rehearsals never went well. None of us 
had much talent. A month or so of that 
and his grandmother came in shouting, 
“Turn that bloody racket down!” And 
Pete said, “I'll do better than that," and 
smashed his guitar against the wall. A 
hideous big cuckoo clock pitched off 
a nail from ıhe impact. He bashed it 
to smithereens with the remnants of 
his guitar while we stood there. The lit- 
tle wooden cuckoo ended up atop my 
foot. He said, “Now will you fucking gel 
out of my life?" and she stomped out. 

“The three of us stood about looking 
at the wreckage, and Roger said, “What 
now?” When Pete didn't answer, I said, 
“Another paper route, I think.” 

Someone at Philips offered a record 
deal if we dropped our drummer, be- 
cause he was too old, 36. Keith said, “I 

(continued on page 88) 


ois 34 0 
ayes Q 
I 
0 
2 
f du NS S = 
W 
ie Й ER й 
id TOP کا ل‎ ©) ak 
m N = 
= С e 
N 
FOR 
N > 
NN 
У. 


“Of course, he's into really kinky sex!” 


77 


STAND BACK! 

I DON'T KNOW 
HOW BIG 

T E | $ T [=] l N G megazoom apis 
IS GONNA Mi sta 
G ET! look large 


Minolta’s DiMage 7Hi will snap about three ^ Sony's Cyber-shot DSC-F717 has a 5x apti- Don't get tied down to one lens. The six- 
frames per second in its high-speed mode. cal zoom, five-megapixel resolution and о megapixel Canon EOS D60 is compatible 
That's fast enough to capture the opproach, NightShot mode. Plus, it powers up in just with any of the company’s lenses, so you 
the slam dunk and the player falling over you over one second, making it the perfect com- can swap from a wide ongle to a telephoto 
at courtside. A five-megapixel resolution and panion far UFO hunting. Your friends won't whenever the notion hits. Don't they coll thot 
7x opticol zoom keep things tight ($1300). believe you, but we will ($1000). а “commitment issue” ($2700)? 


78 


most powerful optical zoom offered on a digital camera 
topped out at a puny 4x. Now, as digital camera resolu- 
tions hit five and six megapixels, the optical-zoom range 
оп a new crop of cameras has been stretched to 6x and even 
10x. They will get you near the action without the unnec- 


| t's not your fault that it's so small. Until recently, the 


essary image distortion created by a digital zoom. What's 
more, the overall lens length is shorter on a digital camera 
than on a 35mm, so your supershooter is truly portable. 
Getting this close will cost you, though, so expect to pay 


$600 to $3000 for a supersize camera with a decent resolu- 
tion. Here’s a close-up look at the latest models. 


Stripped-down cameras are for guys who 
drive subcompacts. We want something 
with all the omenities. FujiFilm's FinePix 
$602 Zoom has a three-megapixel resolu- 
tion, 6x aptical гост and a feature that lets 
yau attach a voice note ta a phota ($800). 


The big gun of zoom cameras is the Olym- 
pus C-730 Ultra Zoom. Its 10x optical zoom 
packs enough power to spot a cheerleader 
on the other side of the stadium and gets 
you close enough to compensate for its 
three megapixel resolution (5600). 


What gaod is your equipment if it doesn’t 
respond in time for the action? The 8x opti- 
cal zoom on Nikon's Coolpix 5700 reaches 
full focal length in two seconds. It takes us a 
bit longer, especially after we've had a few 
shots of the hard stuff ($1200). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JAMES |MBROGHO 
WHERE AND HOWTO BUY ON PAGE 148 


79 


THE BEST NEW TREND IN COLLEGE NEWSPAPERS 


HE IDEA dawned on Meghan Bai- 

num in the middle of a journal- 

ism course. A news-and-infor- 

mation major at the University 

of Kansas m Lawrence, the pe- 
tite, tattooed coed had always been 
more rebellious than most of her fellow 
J-schoolers. At the moment, she need- 
ed to come up with a final project for 
her entertainment-reporting dass. “Ev- 
eryone thought that meant something 
about bands and bars,” she said lat- 
er, chain-smoking cigarettes and twist- 
ing her spiky black hair around her fin- 
ger. “But there are more-entertaining 
things out there.” Bainum wanted to 
become a dominatrix and write about 
the experience. 

Her instructor managed to talk her 
down to a report on fetishes and turn- 
ons. But the idea of writing about sex 
had taken root in Bainum's mind. After 
a semester of lobbying The Daily Kan- 
san, her sex column launched in fall 
2001. “I think they were worried about 
me turning their newspaper into a ped- 
dler of smut,” she said. “After all, this 
is Kansas.” 

Bainum’s columns, which cover top- 
ics such as bondage to genital piercing, 
were a tough sell at a heartland school. 
When Bainum's column appeared on 
Thursdays, the newspaper wasn't de- 
livered to local high schools (“As if high 
schoolers aren't having sex,” she said) 
One mother even wrote the paper a 
letter chastising the editors for running 
“pornography” that her college-age 
son shouldn't be reading. 

"KU is liberal for Kansas," Bainum 
explains. “But underneath it all, pco 
ple here are still pretty conservative. 
Homosexuality? They're not comfort- 
able with it. We're one of the last states 
in the union that still outlaw sodomy 
Around here, people are more con- 
cerned about their reputations than 
whether they have good sex lives." 

Luckily, the Daily Kansan staff stood 
by its renegade sex reporter. Bainum's 


“It’s important io me to be a sex 
columnist who does sexy stuff," 

says Meghorı Bairıum (left), resi- 
dent sexpert at The Daily Kansan. 


“If I'm preaching but I’m riot do- 
ing, why should anyone bother 
listenirıg to me?” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY GEORGE GEORGIOU 


By Antonia Simigis 
sexcapades are fun, naughty and root- 
ed in her sincere interest in the topic 
"Everyone basically knows how sex is 
done, but it's the little things people 
get confused about,” she continues. 
“That's where I come in. I've had a lot 
of sex, I've read a lot of sex. I know 


more than just the ins and outs—par- 
don the pun.” 


Like beer and football, sex and col- 
lege go hand in hand. A handful of uni- 


versity newspapers now write about a 


On blow jobs: "I am an avid swallow supporter. (Wow. My 
popularity rating just skyrocketed with the male demograph- 
ic.) | figure that swallowing is like taking cough syrup. Sure, 
it's a little painful at first, but eventually the taste will go 
away, and it's pure loving from then on. | found that eight 
times out of 10, Yalies agree with me on this point. Especially 
males. Swallowing, they all said, is clearly where it's at." 


Оп faking an orgasm: “She could be screaming like a ban- 
shee, digging her nails into your back, tightening herself 
around you like a cobra squeezing its prey, gasping 'Hard- 
er, harder!' between breaths and just be putting on one hell 
of a show.” When a man is faking it: “All a guy has to do is 
grunt, give a body shudder or throw on a porn-star face and. 
he can fool his partner." 


On penis size: "True enough, a big member doesn't guaran- 
tee you sex-god status. You have to know how to use the 
darn thing. On the same note, a love stick can have enor- 
mous potential to satisfy—even if that's the only enormous 
thing about it. What this all comes down to is technique, know- 
ing how to do what you want with what you have. Size is no 
guarantee you won't end up with the short end of the stick." 


Оп role-playing: "Although spanking was a punishment back 
in the day, when done in passion, and not by your father, it 
can be quite exciting. Both spanking and sexual restraint can 
play nicely into several different sorts of fantasies. Be a 
schoolteacher or nun and discipline your ‘student’ with a 
ruler. Go out and buy a French maid's outfit, or a Batman 


cape—Jet your imagination run wild.” 


Social Studies 


82 


topic that really matters to their read- 
ers. Across the country, college dailies 
have been adding sex columnists to 
their mastheads, and their copy has 
caught the nation's attention. These 
trailblazing women (yes, all of them 
are women) come at the topic from all 
angles. Some, like Bainum and Yale's 
Natalie Krinsky, pen their erotic en- 
counters with the zeal of a junior Car- 
rie Bradshaw; others prefer to offer ad- 
vice like Generation Y Dr. Ruths. The 
New York Times put a spotlight on the 
phenomenon: “Ms. Krinsky is one of 
a growing number of sex columnists 
at college papers across the country 
who are reflecting a striking openness 
among many undergraduates when 
it comes to the discussion of sex. The 
columns include ‘Sexpert Tells All” 
in New York University s Washington 
Square News, The Daily Californian's "Sex 
on Tuesday' at Berkeley and Meghan 
Bainum's odes to experimentation and 
safe sex in The Daily Kansan at the Uni- 
versity of Kansas. Subjects range from 
sexual arousal to oral sex etiquette to 
bondage." 

Krinsky's December 2001 column 
detailing her initiation into oral sex 
caused a stink at her school —and drew 


hits by the thousands to the Yale Daily 
News’ website, Krinsky's story was fun, 
sexy and, most important, Ivy League. 
The 20-year-old junior who keeps a 
stuffed animal in her dorm room was 
getting so much attention, she got an 
agent. 

Krinsky's "Sex and the (Elm) City" 
column wasn't any raunchier than oth- 
ers around the country. lt was the fact 
that the school paper at Yale, the hal 
lowed breeding ground for conserva- 
tives like William F. Buckley and both 
presidents Bush, was publishing an ar- 
tide about giving head 

"Controversy is in how it's framed," 
said Yvonne Fulbright, the woman be- 
hind NYU's “Sexpert Tells All” col- 
umn. Unlike Bainum and Krinsky, Ful- 
bright gets explicit in her Q. and A 
columns, but she keeps them third- 
person. “What made Natalie Krinsky's 

(continued on page 136) 


can't skip class 
anymore, and it 
sucks. Because 
of this whole sex 
column bit, even 
jaded professors 
manage to locate me lurking 
in the back of packed lecture 
halls. They make it a point to. 
talk to me, to tell me how their 
course is going to relate to 
some ofthe things I'm writing 
about. | like it, I really do, but 
it's been a fast and unexpect- 
ed trip from geeky nerd to 
semifamous (at least for Kan- 
sas) geeky nerd. When I go to 
parties people know who | am 
now, orat least know I'm “that 
girl who writes about sex.” 1 
go crazy when people come up and talk to me, because when they do, an interest- 
ing (and, at times, very erotic) discussion usually follows. Hearing uninhibited, 
horny people talk about the things they do when they're aiming to please or be 
pleased has turned into one of my favorite things about writing this column. 

Hearing what real people do in their beds, cars, offices or wherever helps me 
write a better sex column. | am, after all, only one woman, and a young woman at 
that. I constantly work on increasing my own sexual experiences, but since I'm lack- 
ing a penis, there are certain things I have to ask about rather than experience. I've 
never been afraid to ask. It’s only now people aren't afraid to give up the dirt. I guess 
they feel like they have the dirt on me, too. And, in a way, they do. I like to write about 
things I'm curious about. Sex is my deal, my job, and it's usually on my mind. It's 
usually in my life, too, in one way or another. Especially since I'm recently single, 1 
like to kiss around on people and flirt, although I have only one person 1 go home 
with. I've been getting a lot more offers recently, though, and it's crazy, especially 
since | was considered basically an untouchable in high school. I still can't believe 
itis me in the middle of this crazy sex column life. | knew writing a sex column in 
Kansas would get some attention. | just wasn't prepared for how much of the spot- 
light would be directed at me. 

1get so many questions about whether messing around with different fantasies, 
toys or experiences is something to be ashamed of, or if it's something to do again. 
‚And many people, especially younger men and women, don't know what they're 
missing out on, really. But sometimes, people send me messages that make me 
think they would rather live in sexual limbo all their lives. I've been told | was going 
to hell unless | signed a two-page virginity pledge (uh, little too late—sorry). I've al- 
so been informed that I was the reason a certain alumna was not going to donate 
any more funds to our journalism school. | also have to deal with condescending, 
usually unsigned, e-mails about my supposed sexuel promiscuity, my obvious lack 
of intelligence and my questionable credibility. 

If people have a problem with me, | wish they'd take it up with me in person, orat 
least have the courage to identity themselves. | reserve the right to rip into people, 
as | did to the young sophomore boy who wanted to take my place as sex columnist. 
He justified the fact that he was perfect for the job by saying: “When a man writes 
about sex, people think doctor. When a woman does, people think Cosmo.” | think 
it fucks with people's minds that I'm a little bit of both: not nearly as boring as a doc- 
tor, and not nearly as girly as Cosmo. | just don’t know any other way to be. 

Right now, however, I'm late for class. —MEGHAN BAINUM 


“This is the first working breakfast I've ever had on New Year's morning." 


83 


wu 


BY CHIP ROWE 


OU CAN ALWAYS get tickets to a hot concert or 
a big game—this is America, after all—but 
it likely won't be easy or cheap. No matter 
how badly you want that $75 Bruce Spring- 
steen ticket, there are thousands of middlemen 
who want it more. To them it's a $275 Springsteen 
ticket because that's what they can get for it 
on the “secondary market.” So they ham- 
mer Ticketmaster.com with computer or- 
ders the minute a show goes on sale, they 
bribe box office personnel to release seats 
set aside by promoters, they horde 
season tickets for hot teams and they 
give homeless people fistfuls of cash 
to stand in line for handfuls of tick- 
ets. Many ticket brokers—not the 
guys on the street but the ones 
who operate out of hotel rooms 
near the event—earn six figures. 
They have employees 
and 401K plans. When 
it comes to motivation, 
your devotion to Bruce 
can't compete. 


The $125 badges for the four- EA 
day event are distributed only to Au- | d 
gusta National members (an elite group 
of about 300 men) and to thousands of 
residents in surrounding communities 
who are on a patrons list established af- 
ter the tournament began in 1934. The 
ticket is so tough to get that you can't 
even add your name to a wailing list (it 
opened in 1972, closed in 1978, then 
opened briefly again in 2000). Because 
they don't have names or photos, the 
estimated 25,000 patron badges fuel 
the resale market, selling for at least 
$3500 each. Or ask about the daily spe- 
cial—$500 for a badge you pass back 
over the fence as many times as you get 

84 caught without it. 


ILLUSTRATION BY STEVEN GUARNACOA 


divvied up among the 32 team own- 
ers, who gave them to stadium adver- 
lisers in lucrative sponsorship deals 
The Super Bowl is a tough ticket not or traded them with tour companies 
because brokers scoop them up but for free team bus and charter services. 
because the NFL's 32 team owners do. Many of these tickets are converted to 
Only 1000 of the 71,000 fans who cash using scalpers, who put them on 
filled the Super Dome in New Orleans the street for $1500 to $7000 each. 
last year bought their $400 seats from Meanwhile, the owners crack down on 
the league, and they had to win a lot- fans who resell tickets. Last year the 
tery for the privilege. About 25 per- Patriots rescinded the season tickets 
cent of the remaining tickets went to of a fan because he listed his three 
the players and coaches, the host city — 50-yard-line seats on eBay for a game 
and team and other in- against Green Bay. He had missed two 
siders; 75 percent were games in the previous 18 seasons. 


Before every major show, the pro- 
moter and band set aside the best seals 
in the house for friends, family, media 
and VIP requests ("Mick needs eight"). 
But if the day arrives and any of these 


set-asides remain unclaimed, an 
o insider will often unload them to 
a scalper and pocket anything over the 
face value. “Every ticket office has one 
of those guys,” says a broker. “You just 
have to be the person he calls.” If 
you aren't, you'll have to battle on 
the front lines—and that means 
going online. Ticketmas- 
ler takes 43 percent of its 
orders over the Internet. 
Many of these sales are 
to scalpers who hammer 
the site using credit card 
data that they've collect- 
ed from relatives, friends 
and friends of friends 
who earn a fee if the or- 
der goes through (one 
broker co-op has a data- 
base with 5000 num- 
bers). A Springsteen show in Denver 
sold out in 46 minutes, but that was 
enough time for a co-op in Chicago to 
score some (concluded on page 145) 


85 


86 


SCENTS 


dolphins running back 


ricky williams won't be 


th are 
SCORE 


By Donald Charles Richardson 


women and putting them in the mood. That works for 

us. How come manufacturers didn't figure this out be- 
fore? Even some of the names of fragrances are suggestive, 
like Séxüal Pour Homme by Michel Germain and Calvin 
Klein's Crave. Musk is the whiff of the moment. Of course, 


T HE LATEST fragrances for men are all about attracting 


IF its one of those nights when you're not sure if she's in the 
mood, use your Intuitian. Just a spritz of the Lauder for Men 
cologne is oll it should take. Incense and myrrh are part of 
the scent ($35 for 1.7 ounces}. Tobacco leaf is one of the 
base notes in Vintage Tabaróme. No wonder the French firm 
Creed, which also custom blends fragrances, sold so much of 
it to Winston Churchill ($280 for 8.4 ounces). The Dreamer 
by Versace is an eau de toilette spray with hints of juniper 
and spices ($72 for 3% ounces}. Use it sparingly. That's ad- 
vice to heed when sploshing or sproying on ony of these fra- 
grances. Michel Germain named its lotest men's fragrance 
Sexual Pour Homme. It's packed with ingredients—basil, 
sage, sandalwood and vanilla—considered to be aphrodisi 

acs ($52 for 2% ounces). The packaging for Calvin Klein's 
new eau de toilette, Crave, is almost as intriguing as its birch- 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 148. 


pure musk ina scent would be overpowering, so spice, citrus 
and woody essences are part of the mix, along with sandal- 
wood, cedar and even tobacco leaf. A final suggestion: To get 
your favorite date heading for all the right places, don't slap. 
whatever scent you choose only on your face and neck—rub 
it where you want her to be. 


wood-and-musk scent. The cool-looking bottle, with its or- 
enge sprayer, reminds us of a cordless phone ($45 for 2% 
cunces). Frederic Malle's Musc Ravageur is a heady mix of 
cinnamon, cloves and sandalwood. If you don’t get lucky 
wearing a cologne that translates as “ravaging musk,” it's 
likely nothing is going to work ($135 for 3.3 ounces). Bora 
Bora brings to mind tropical scents and sensual pleasures. 
No wonder Liz Claiborne chose the island as the name for its 
latest men's fragrance, which hints of sage, ginger and musk 
($47.50 for 3.4 ounces). We know guys who could use an 
eau de toilette named Miracle to get dates. Lancome proba- 
bly had loftier ideas in mind when it created this pleasant 
scent of pepper, moss and cedar ($58 for 3.4 ounces). Guc- 
ci's latest spray for men, Envy, is a rich blend of anise, cedar, 


sandalwood and patchouli ($55 for 3.4 ounces). 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY TOM BIONDO. 
RICKY WILLIAMS JEANS BY BUFFALO 


PLAYBOY 


88 


Won't Gef Fooled (e 


Nobody needed a singer. What was needed was some- 
body who could fight, and that was Roger. 


can do better than him." At his audi- 
tion he broke the drum pedal and high 
hat and put a hole in the skin. “I'm 
hired, aren't I?" he asked when he fin- 
ished, and saw us all looking at him. 
We met Kim a year later in the Disc a 
Go-Go in Bourncmouth. 

Nights he wasn't home 1 phoned her 
but couldn't bring myself to speak. 
“Oooohhh,” I'd say, holding the receiver 
to my chest. "Ouuwwwu. Uuunnnrrh.” 
"Sod off." she'd say and hang up. 


No one remembers where the name 
came from. Maybe a guy named Bar- 
ney who'd been a friend of Pete's. The 
Who: It made people think twice and 
worked well on posters because it was 
short and printed up big. 


Pete's normal state when awake was 
also frustration, and back then it was 
particularly hard. There were a lot of 
brilliant young players around. Beck 
was around: Roger first saw him in a 
band called the Triads or the Tridents 
or something and came back and said 
there was this incredible young guitar 
player. Clapton was around. Page. So 
Pete was morose that he couldn't man- 
age all that flash stuff. So he just start- 
ed getting into feedback. And he ex- 
pressed himself, as he put it, physically. 
I always thought of it as making up vi- 
sually for what he couldn't play. He got 
the windmill bit from watching Keith 
Richards warm up backstage. 


Charlie Watts said that the first time 
he came to hear us, he looked at our 
drummer and thought, My God, that 
guy’s not doing the same number. All 
those mad fills. Then he realized that 
our Keith had left the backbeat behind. 
Charlie had been sitting there going, 
“This is rubbish," until it hit him that 
Keith was another lead instrument. 
One night at a club, with everyone else 
passed out, Charlie said, “It's exhilarat- 
ing hearing you lot trash numbers ev- 
eryone else does so faithfully." I don't 
think I ever told the rest of the band. If 
you couldn't stay awake, you missed 
praise from the Rolling Stones. That's 
the way I looked at it. 


From the beginning, we had these 
massive, massive amps. People came to 


see them. One atop another on both 
sides of the band, like an ogre's steam- 
er trunks. At the smaller clubs Pete had 
to turn some sideways to fit them all 
onstage. People like the T-Bones and 
Clapton and the Yardbirds had only 
these little Vox AC30s. Doctors issued 
warnings about our concerts in the lo- 
cal papers. Word got around that out- 
doors at Croydon we'd surpassed 120 
decibels. 

Even so, the big power chord sound 
that Pete got wasn’t only his amps. He 
also used hugely thick strings and hit 
them so hard that he shattered picks 
and torc thc skin from his fingerprints. 
Really, the sound came from us play- 
ing as a three-piece band but trying ev- 
erything we could to sound like more. 
In any number, Keith or I might take 
over the lead while Pete bashed out the 
chords. 

A journalist for the NME saw us on 
one of those Maximum R&B Tuesday 
night shows at the Marquee. He said 
we sounded like someone chainsawing 
a du tbin in half. It was one of our fa- 
notices. 


Our first time on "Ready Steady 
Go!” the producers never knew what 
hit them. We took over the show by 
blocking anyone who wanted to get in 
who wasn't our sort. We nicked their 
tickets and filled the place with our au- 
dience, all mods. No one else could get 
past Roger. He shoved someone from 
BBC security who tried to intervene 
down two flights of stairs and the poor 
sod never came back. The Hollies, who 
were on before us, didn't know what 
was going on. They found themselves 
surrounded by all these step-dancing 
geeks dressed alike. The geeks seemed 
to be singing our lyrics to the Hollies’ 
songs. Then for our first number the 
director had the genius idea of putting 
Keith and his whole kit on a rostrum 
h wheels, and having everyone push 
it this way and that through the crowd. 
Pandemonium. Geeks were knocked 
hither and yon. The BBC's big old cam- 
eras could barely roll out of the way 
in time. Between numbers our crowd 
kept swaying and singing, like at a foot- 
ball match. You couldn't hear Roger 
announcing the next song. Mods then 
wore these old college scarves and at 
the end they tossed them all onstage. 
The four of us just held our poses alt 
the last note, festooned. 


1 wanted my songs to be like songs 
no one else was writing. My bandmates 
didn't agree on anything except the 
notion that my songs were decidedly 
inferior. Keith was the nicest about it. 
He said, "What do you give a toss what 
we think?” 

But the truth was I was trying some- 
thing different, dark, in a children's 
book sort of way: Silas Stingy, Dr. Jekyll 
and Mr. Hyde. They weren't autobio- 
graphical; God knew, I wasn't one for 
opening up. What was I, a can of beans? 
Kids responded when the singles came 
out; kids loved Boris the Spider. Keith 
and Roger came round a bit when they 
saw that, and we talked about releasing 
a kids' rock album, but it never hap- 
pened. The songs all ended up as B. 
sides. 

I wrote two about Kim, though no- 
body knew it: For a year or so our con- 
certs always opened with one—Heaven 
and Hell, about the perils of mortal mis- 
behavior. Its position on the playlist 
didn't mean the group was any more 
enthusiastic about my writing. Every- 
one just thought it was a good song to 
tune up to. It featured a lot of open 
strings. 

The other one was Smash Your Head 
Against the Wall. 


Our biggest hits were the ones in- 
volving Pete's mock-baroque bits, like 
the pseudo flamenco thing he used to 
kick off Pinball Wizard. 

Ialways admired his handling of 
songwriting. He said what he wanted 
to say and ignored or patronized our 
suggestions about ways he might im- 
prove. He told us during one depres- 
sion, “I'm sulking because you don't 
worship me for making your lives fi- 
nancially viable.” 

е 


A journalist who was doing a behind- 
the-scenes piece on the band wrote 
long, harrowing accounts about Keith 
and Roger and Pete, but when it came 
to me, the article said only, “John Ent- 
wistle was never around—permanently 
asleep, apparently." 

Ih, he was a miserable bastard, that 
Entwistle. Who else wrote horror songs 
for children? Dressed all in black and 
kept to himself and then moped about 
when people left him to his own de- 
vices? "Why haven't they come and 
coaxed me out?’ he said to himself. 
Sold himself as his best friend's best 
friend when all he was thinking was, 
Youll never know how lucky you are. Angry 
about most things and frightened about 

(continued on page 130) 


‘Tm afraid it's time to vote one of you off the island!” 


"m E - 
L A 
NF 


ka > = 
E ry fa == 


miss february goes 
overboard for adventure 


O THE TRAINED and the untrained 
eye alike, Charis Boyle comes across as a 
shameless thrill seeker. "I'm driven and 
competitive,” she says. The 26-year-old 
Virginia native is an adept horseman with 
a metalsmithing degree who is eager to 
acquire skills with more practical life ap- 
plications. “I learned glassblowing. It's a 
beautiful art, and I have a decent set of 
lungs," she says, laughing. Now the erst- 
while iron forger and jewelry maker is vice 
president of Primacy Cos., which owns 
nightclubs and restaurants along the East 
Coast, including the innovative D.C. club 
Nation. “Along with a team of architects, 
I design the look of each venue, down to 
the lighting fixtures and matchbooks," she 
says. When Manny Puig from Animal Plan- 
et's Extreme Contact tried to turn her at- 
tention from nightspots to wild critters, 
Charis was happy to take off to Florida for 
the challenge. "We talked for hours—he 
showed me pictures of sharks and we be- 
came interested in what each other did,” 
she says. “He said, 'Come jump into the 
ocean and we'll feed 800-pound groupers 
for the show." I'm going to do a few epi- 
sodes because 1 like fun stunts that get 
me noticed and also help me conquer my 
fears." Is Miss February daring at love, 
too? "I don't believe in love at first sight, 
but I think there can be lust at first sight," 
she purrs. “For me, it's not about the way 
someone looks; it's his personality that 
makes him sexy. Showing initiative and 
creativity in making something romantic 
drives me crazy. I love that. It could be a 
candlelit picnic in the backyard or being 
flown to Paris—simple or grand, it doesn't 
matter. I'm not one to plan ahead. I just 
take opportunities as they come.” 


If anyone con get the Queen Mary moving 
ogoin, it's Charis. “| got to play shuffleboard 
‘on deck while holding the sweetest little Pom- 
eranian, Wally,” she says. “1 grew up on boats 
becouse my fomily races them. | became o 
good swimmer, but | think it’s creepy to swim 
in the open ocean when you don't know what 
is 40 feet below you. It's on olien world." 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA 


PLAYBOY PLAYMATE OF THE MONTY 


E 
s 
E 
= 


PLAYMATE DATA SHEET 


NAME: Á 

pust: 570 qast: Od mes: II _ 
a7 n 

WEIGHT: 2. | 


BIRTH pare: Ed ZO __ BIRTHPLACE: 


TURN-ONS : 200201 MAL CONA 37/7, . Гоми aeta? Hho | 
all in tha eyo, bud. ite. Ди eka dikata 
TURNOFFS : ay hablar and. choppy 


Fig ptt Espa gue. VUL 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


What do you get if you cross a freeway with a 
bicycle? Killed. 


А woman ran into a police station and began 
sobbing. “I've just been ravaged by two Polish 
men,” she cried. 

“How do you know they were Polish?” the 
detective asked. 

The woman replied, “1 had to help them.” 


Why is a man's piss yellow and his sperm 
white? So he can tell if he's coming or going. 


ek } 


The definition of egghead: What Mrs. Dump- 
ty gives to Mr. Dumpty. 


What do electric trains and breasts have in 
common? They're intended for children, but 
men like to play with them. 


A reporter visited a third world country on 
the verge of civil war to write an article about 
gender roles. He noted that the women cus- 
tomarily walked about 10 paces behind their 
husbands. After the war, he returned to the 
country and observed that the men were now 
walking 10 paces behind their wives. The re- 
porter approached one of the women and 
said, “This is marvelous. Can you tell the rest 
of the world just what enabled women here to 
achieve this reversal of roles?” 
“Land mines,” said the woman. 


A secretary told her boss, “I've found a new 
position.” 


at," he responded. “Shut the door, pull 
down the shades and show me.” 


This MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: At 
what point does a priest get a prescription for 
Viagra? When the size of the altar boy class 
reaches 10. 


A man and his wife were watching a boxing 
match on television. After the knockout, the 
husband said, “That sucks. It was over in three 
minutes.” 

His wife replied, “Well, now you know how I 
feel.” 


Р1лүвоу cuassic: A man went into a popular 
Chinese restaurant and was asked to wait at 
the bar until a table was available. The bar- 
tender asked, "What would you like?" 

The man answered, “Pd like a Stoli with a 
twist." 

"The bartender paused for a moment, then 
said, "Once upon a time, there were three little 
pigs..." 


Why do men masturbate? Because it's sex 
with someone they love. 


А man went to his priest and said, "Father, I 
want an annulment." 

The priest replied, "Why? You just got mar- 
ried yesterday." 

The man explained, “I think I married my 
sister.” 

"The priest said, "I've known you and your 
wife all of your lives. What makes you think 
you're related?” 

"The man responded, “Last night when we 
undressed for bed, she looked at me and said, 
"Oh, brother." 


Despite the advice of their friends, an ant and 
an elephant got married. After they had sex 
for the first ume, the elephant had a heart at- 
tack and died. "Crap," the ant said. "Five min- 
utes of ecstasy and now I have to spend the rest 
of my life digging a grave." 


а 


А husband and his wife visited a marriage 
counselor. The husband said, “My wife and I 
never have sex. She's always too tired.” 

The marriage counselor asked him, “Do you 
still enjoy sex?” 

“As much as the next guy,” the man stated. 

The wife said, “That's the problem. Between 
him and the next guy, I'm exhausted." 


Bronne joke or THE MONTH: What do you do 
when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run for 
your life. She has a grenade in her mouth. 


Send your jokes on pesca: to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYEOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“She's on a holiday cruise and it's part of the package." 


YBOY PROFILE 


CATCH ‘22° 


emmitt smith was too small and too slow for pro football. 


so how did he end up breaking the all-time nfl rushing record? 


ince 1990 there's been a catch-22 for NFL de- 
© fenders: They can't catch number 22. You may 

slow down Dallas Cowboys running back Em- 
mitt Smith. You may hold him to a yard or three. But 
check the stat sheet after the game and the man will 
have his yards. The 33-year-old Smith has run for 
more yards than anybody else in pro history. Jim 
Brown, O.J. Simpson, Barry Sanders, Walter Payton— 
this season Smith left them all behind. Not bad for a 
guy who was said to be too small and too slow to play 
in the NFL. 

As a rookie, the 59”, 212-pound Smith wrote down 
his career goal: Be the NFL’ all-time leading rusher. A 
dozen years and nearly 4000 carries later, the dream 
came true, and now Smith has racked up almost 10 
miles of NFL yardage. He has three Super Bowl rings, 
a Super Bowl MVP trophy, a league MVP award and 
four NFL rushing crowns. But the rushing king isn't 
finished. He wants to add more mileage to his total to 
discourage would-be record breakers. Then, after he 
retires, he might become an NFL owner. 

PLAYBOY: Did you think about the rushing record con- 
stantly this year? 

SMITH: I thought about it more as I got closer. Га been 
trying to control my emotions, but once the season be- 
gan I decided it was OK to be excited. It’s like a 100- 
yard dash—I'd already run 95 yards. All I needed was 
a strong finish. 

PLAYBOY: Do the yards seem longer now that you're 33 
years old? 

SMITH: They seem longer when you're losing. Every- 
thing is smooth when you win, but we've found that 
harder the past few years. 

PLAYBOY: You've always written down your goals. In 
your rookie year you wrote that you planned to break 
the Icague's rushing record. 

SMITH: It was before my rookie year. 

rLAYBoY: You were holding out for more money. You 
weren't even officially a Cowboy- 
міти: Right. I was sitting in my little apartment here 
in Dallas. I knew I wanted to play a minimum of 13 
year 

PLAYBOY: Why 13 years? 

surra: It’s a magical number. And 
it’s the time a lot of players retire. 


By KEVIN COOK 


PLAYBOY: But the average running back's career is only 
three or four years. 

5мгги: Forget average. I was thinking about going the 
distance. 

PLAYBOY: You were thinking about passing Jim Brown 
and Walter Payton before you gained your first yard in 
the NFL? 

smitH: And I knew getting to 16,727 yards would take 
about 13 years. 

PLAYBOY: Where did you write your goal? 

smith: On a piece of paper. Then a girl 1 was dating 
got it laminated. 

PLAYBOY: That was brash, having it laminated. 

smith: Hey, it wasn't me. Girlfriend did it. 

PLAYBOY: Does she still have it? 

swrrH: І have it in a box in storage. Tell you what— 
thats a valuable piece of paper, isn't it? 

PLAYBOY: This is your 13th year. What's on your list of 
goals for next year? 

SMITH: The first goal | write down every year is to keep 
Jesus Christ number one in my life. Number two, stay 
healthy all season. After that I proceed to team goals 
and then individual goals. 

PLAYBOY: What can you average per game this year? 
surrH: I always shoot for 120, 125 yards. 

PLAYBOY: Early in the season you were gaining about 
half that per game. Still, you wound up pushing to- 
ward 17,000 carcer yards. Can you reach 20,0007 
SMITH: I'd need a couple more good years to get close 
to 20,000. But, yes, that number is in my mind. 
rLAYBOY: You've already piled up a mountain of yards 
for the next ambitious rookie to climb. But only five 
years ago your career was in trouble—you had a slow 
start, the Cowboys struggled and you were benched. 
What happened? 

smitH: What happened is that people were idiots. 
“Emmitt is holding the team back,” they said. They 
said I was done. They didn't look at the fact that I was 
injured—our team was decimated by injuries and age 
and lack of talent, and our system was outdated. We 
ran the same offense for five years, so teams were well 
prepared to stop us. They knew what was coming. I 
had a badly sprained ankle and had broken a bone 
spur, so 1 couldn't push off. But I 
still got over 1000 yards that year. 


ILLUSTRATION BY RUDY GUTIERREZ 


105 


106 


PLAYBOY: You ran for 1074 yards and 
caught 40 passes for another 234, all 
for a team that went 6-10. How did 
you feel when coach Barry Switzer said 
of you, “Father Time gets everybody.” 
You were only 28 and you were in- 
jured—that must have stung. 
SMITH: Barry popped off a lot. He was 
definitely wrong that time. 
PLAYBOY: He resigned after the season. 
Do you ever 
see him? 
SMITH: Yes, 
and we do 
mot talk about 
that ume. No- 
body makes 
apologies; we 
proceed on. 
I'm still here, 
even though 
Father Time 
does catch up 
with you. I'm 
still an effec- 
tive running 
back—you don't get to 1000 yards by 
being ineffective. I've still got a major 
step on Father Time. 
PLAYBOY: You suffered major pain in a 
1994 game against the Giants, when you 
separated your shoulder but stayed in 
the game. You kept carrying the ball— 
even stiff-armed Lawrence Taylor with 
your bad arm—and the Cowboys won 
the NFC East. How much does it hurt 
to stiff-arm a huge, fast tackler with a 
separated shoulder? 
SMITH: I wasn't hurting, I was flowing 
on adrenaline. You know how a soldier 
in battle gets shot but doesn't know it? 
He's wounded but still fighting. That 
was me. 
PLAYBOY: On the sideline, you wept 
from the pain. 
sMrTH: Sitting on the sideline when 
our defense was in, 
yeah. It was cold, 
I'm stiffening up 
and my shoulder is 
pounding like a mi- 
graine headache. 
PLAYBOY: After that 
game, for the first 
time in his career, 
John Madden went 
from the booth to 
the locker room to 
congratulate a play- 
er. What did he say 
to you? 
SMITH: He said, 
"What a performance! 1° the greatest 
thing Гуе ever seen in football.” And 
I'm just sitting there in pain, my head's 
lolling back and I'm going, “Thanks, 
John.” 
PLAYBOY: What was the worst moment? 
surrm: 1 was cool until I got out of the 
shower. Took a shower, now I'm put- 


ting on my clothes and all of a sudden 
1 get these severe chest pains and just 
fall over. 

PLAYBOY: Where were the doctors? The 
NFL is supposed to be the home of 
ion painkillers. 

: I don't like needles. I'd had a 
couple pain pills after 1 got hurt, and 
after the game they gave me a couple 
of shots in the shoulder, just to calm 
it down. It knocked me out. I slept 
through the bus ride and woke up on 
the plane back to Dallas. Everybody 
else was celebrating, but I was in a pan- 
ic, almost screaming from the pain. I 
started beating my shoulder on the seat 
and they had to shoot me again. They 
wanted to land in Memphis and put 
me in a hospital, but I said no. “Take 
me home,” I said. “I'm not dying in 
Memphis.” 

PLAYBOY: It was good enough for Elvis. 

smith: “I'll die in Dallas," I said. So as 
soon as we landed we went to the hos- 
pital. They gave me an IV and more 
medicine. It's 10:55 
and ] said, “Man, I 
want to see Sports Cen- 
ter. YM be on Sports 
Center for sure.” Now 


like 10:59, the 


Sports Center musi 
coming on and I said, 
“Yeah, gonna see my- 
self...” and I fell 
asleep. 

PLAYBOY: Let's go 
back to less-painful 
memories. Is it true 
that when you were 
a baby, you wouldn't 
calm down unless your mother found a 
football game on TV? 

SMITH: That's what the family says. 
PLAYBOY: Your father, Emmitt Si Jr, 
worked as a city bus driver in Pensaco- 
la, Florida. 

SMITH: He still does. 
PLAYBOY: His father, 
the original Emmitt, 
worked in a factory. 
s! : And we 

in the projects. I re- 
member one day my 
grandfather took me 
to the bank. I was 11 
or 12. He had a cer- 
tificate of deposit, 
and he wanted me to 
see it. Not just to 
show me the money, 
but to make me think 
about working and saving. Now, in my 
culture, we'd never been educated in 
the stock market, so our way to protect 
a dollar was to put it in a CD, collecting 
four or five percent. My grandfather 
paid taxes on that. It wasn't a tax-free 
CD. Years later 1 know about investing, 
but we didn't then. So he asks the bank 


"I'm only 
worth millions. 
Jerry Jones 

is probably 
more ruthless 
than I am.” 


guy to bring him the CD and 1 saw this 
huge number. It was for more than 
$15,000. 

PLAYBOY: What did your grandfather 
do with the money? 

smith: He bought my sister а car for 
her high school graduation. Later on, 
when I graduated. he bought onc for 
me—a 1985 Nissan Maxima. By the 
time my brothers got out of high school 
I was in the NFL. I could do the same 
for them. 

PLAYBOY: You took over for your grand- 
father. Did you get them Maximas? 

smith: No, they got Lexus LX 450s. 
PLAYBOY: In the old days your grand- 
mother, Erma Lee, was confined to 
a wheelchair. You looked after her, 
didn't you? 

SMITH: My grandfather was working the 
night shift and my father needed some 
sleep—he had to go to work at five A.M. 
So I slept on the sofa in my grandpar- 
ents’ house. I would feed her. Га give 
her water in the middle of the night, or 
help her into bed or 
roll her over so she 
could be comfort- 
able. Those were my 
nighttime chores. 
PLAYBOY: Those were 
some long nights for 
a little kid. 

SMITH: It's what we 
did. It was family. 
PLAYBOY: Even after 
you became a college 
football star at Flori- 
da, you let your dad 
tell you what to do. 
SMITH: One time I 
did a little touchdown dance, and he 
didn't think much of that. “Son,” he 
said, "show a little class. Act like you've 
been there before." 

PLAYBOY: Didn't he give you some ad- 
vice when you were an NFL rookie? 
smth: He did. At first 1 was too hyper 
after I got tackled. I'd bounce up—try 
to throw everybody off me and get 
back to the huddle real quick. My fa- 
ther said, "Son, don't waste energy 
pushing these big guys up off you. Just 
relax and lay down. Lay there long 
enough and they might help you up.” 
So the next game 1 chilled out. Stayed 
down, let everybody untwist their bod- 
ics. And guess what—somebody reach- 
es down and helps me back up. 
PLAYBOY: Before Walter Payton died 
three years ago, he asked you to talk to 
his son, Jarrett. How close were you 
and Walter? 

SMITH: We didn't know each other well, 
but we were spiritually close. 1 think he 
trusted me, and he thought it was fit- 
ting for me to call Jarret. 

PLayRoy: What things did you and Jar- 
rett talk about? 


(continued on page 120) 


a million-dollar 
100 mph mahogony 
screamer that's 
built for comfort 


and speed 


| Sharp as a dagger and cut low to the water, 
Led the Alpha Z 33 flashes the profile of a 
v modern, high-performance speedboat as 

it roars across Lake Tahoe at 85 miles 
per hour, blowing V8 thunder and a towering 
rooster tail. Catch her resting dockside, howev- 
er, and the Alpha Z 33 looks like a throwback to 
the golden age of motorboating, a glowing 33-foot 
wedge of mahogany. The pet project of Florida re- 
al estate executive Jeff Jones, the Alpha Z 33 took 
yacht designer Michael Peters a year to design 
and Van Dam Wood Craft two years to complete. 
"The idea was to pretend that fiberglass had 
never been invented," recalls Peters, whose cre- 


ations include world-champion offshore racers 


Above: The Alpha Z 33's 825 hp V8 can propel 
the craft to speeds upwards of 100 mph. A lap- 
top connected to the boat's electronics monitors 
engine functions. Right: Although the boat ap- 
pears to be carved from a single block of ma- 
hogany, it's actually many planks meticulously 
matched for color and grain by the builder, Van 
Dam Wood Craft. The floor of the cockpit is 
varnished mahogany and stoinless steel. Fuel 
tanks benecth it hold about 100 gallons. At 
dusk, pneumatically controlled running lights 
pop up at the push of a button. 


107 


108 


and Cigarette boats. “What would 
the creators of classic wooden crafts 
build today, given the evolution of 
marine technology? For inspiration, 
Jones started hanging out in our of- 
fice, getting ideas from books about 
exotic Italian sports cars, and what 
started as a $150,000 boat turned into 
a million-dollar project full of details 
that were almost absurd in their com- 
plexity.” The Alpha Z 33 hit the wa- 
ter in 1998 and now Jones has moved 
on to other ambitious projects. If he 
thinks you'll treat her right—and you 
can cough up $2.5 million—the girl's 
all yours, captain. 


БЕ 


This page: Тһе stepped deep-V de- 
sign of the Alpha Z 33 reduces fric- 
tion by venting air over the aft hull 
section. The boat’s rudder is ma- 
chined from aircraft-grade alumi- 
num alloy. The ornomental hard- 
ware is made by MetalCrafters, a 
campany that also builds concept 
cars. Right: Glowing buttans on the 
center console provide control of 
trim tabs, running lights and a pow- 
er engine hatch. The cansole also 
holds a stereo display and a TV 
monitor connected to a VCR. The 
boat's bucket seats are covered in 
fine English saddle leather. 


N 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY JORGE ALVAREZ 
WHEREANO HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 142. 


“Would you please stop saying, This just in'?" 


Bernie Mac 


PLAYBOY'S 


tv’s big man of comedy on fashion, lying and what 
happens when you give a woman some good dick 


B ernie Mac grew out of poverty on 
Chicago's South Side to become a man 
whose size could intimidate anyone, were he 
nol so gentlemanly and refined —offstage, 
that is. One of today's highest-grossing co- 
medians, Mac made his mark on Russell 
Simmons’ Def Comedy Jam with his musings 
about men, women, sex and especially fami- 
ly, based on his own tough youth. His moth- 
er and one brother died when he was a teen- 
ager. He hardly knew his father. Somehow, 
that life formed the basis of a comic view 
point that Mac took public in 1977 while 
he drove a Wonder Bread truck to make 
ends meet. Fast-forward to 1997, when Mac 
joined the Kings of Comedy tour that even- 
tually became the subject of Spike Lee's doc- 
umentary. He followed that with a scenery- 
chewing turn as a blackjack dealer in the 
2001 remake of Ocean's 1 1. Now he's on the 
Fox TV network with The Bernie Mac Show 
and was nominated for an Emmy for lead 
actor in a comedy series. He's also co-star- 
ring as Chris Rock's older brother in Head 
of State and he'll be in Bad Santa with Bil- 
ly Bob Thornton, followed by a role in Char 
lie's Angels: Full Throttle. 

Contributing Editor David Rensin met 
wilh Mac recently in Los Angeles 


1 


PLAYBOY: You're a big man. How do you 
dress to be big? 

mac: Dressing smaller is better. When 
you dress to0 big, you're not really se- 
cure with yourself. If you're big, it’s 
good to be neat. The more you play 
down your size, the better; the atten- 
tion is already there. Everybody likes a 
gentle giant. Гуе always been a dresser. 
T wouldn't dress like this if I couldn't 
айога it. Гуе always been into fashion. 
I was a black-and-white guy. I loved the 
style of a man—with the hats and the 
handkerchiefs. I used to watch the en- 
tertainers from the old Regal Theater. 
They lefi the room and you still smelled 
them. Their hands were so neat. 1 al- 
ways liked the manicured man 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVIS FACTOR. 


2 


PLAYBOY: When did you get your first 
manicure? 

mac: When I was 15. It was a cool thing 
for me. Tadmired my brother, who was 
called Sweet Rob. He sang background 
with the Chi-Lites, and he was very well 
groomed. Alter he spoke on the phone 
and handed it to you, you smelled him 
1 watched my brother's hands, how 
they glittered and how he used them to 
express himself. 

You can tell the essence of a man 
from his teeth, his eyes, his hair and his 
skin. When you shake his hand and 
you feel the firmness and the softness 
combined, when you see the neatness 
of his manicure and the way his clothes 
lay on him. It shows not only his style 
but his character and what he's about 
internally. You see the love he has for 
himself, and what he can share with 
others. 


3 


PLAYBOY: What does "keeping it real" 
mean? 

mac: ] have no idea what the fuck “keep- 
ing it real" means. Keeping it real is the 
stupidest shit I've ever heard. Is there 
any other way? I have asked my peo- 
ple and got different explanations, but 
nothing makes sense. The more igno- 
rant you are, the more real it is? I've 
seen cats, especially in Vegas during the 
fights, doing some of the most ignorant 
shit you've ever seen in your life. And 
I've heard people next to me say, “Man, 
he's keeping it real.” The less manners 
you have, the more real you are? 


4 


PLAYBOY: About what sexual habits do 
most men lie? 

mac: How long they fuck. How they 
tore up somebody's ass. Men lie on 
their dicks all the time. Women lie 
about good di sirl, that dick, he 
can throw that ass.” He can throw that 


money, is what it is. Women fuck men 
more for money and personal shit than 
they do For pleasure. They are just 
as guilty as men, only women can get 
away with it more. 


5 


PLAYBOY: Does the first time you have 
sex with a woman change her? 

mac: Women love dick. They try to lie 
about it because it's unorthodox to ad- 
mit it. But if you get a woman in bed 
and truly please her physically, you will 
see the transformation and hear thing: 
you thought she would never, ever say; 
then she starts walking with the mat- 
tress on her back. The problems begin 
when you throw good dick to a woman 
who's not accustomed to it. Not only 
will she not leave you alone, she'll over- 
commit herself to you. Some men have 
the same problem. [Us no different 
from being broken in for the first time 
by an experienced woman. 1 hear men 
say their woman is not compatible with 
them—no way, no how. Then they say, 
“Yeah, but she got some good pu 
Stupidest statement in the world. It's 
like, "Damn everything you work for. 
Damn everything you believe in.” You 
know she ain't right. You know she's 
fucking your brother. You know she 
s dick for a living. And the first 
ig you say in your sorry-ass defense 
She got some good puss." 


6 


ві лувоу: Did you get enough when you 
were young? 

MAC: | never got enough. But I had to 
make peace with it because it gets old. 
Other things become more important. 
1 got my signs like everybody else. At 
first I didn't pay any attention. Thought 
I was irresistible. Invincible. Flat stom- 
ach. Solid. Ripping and running. Drink- 
ing beer all night, smoking two packs 
of squares and still going to play ball in 
the morning. Fucking all night. No one 


113 


PLAYBOY 


114 


thinks he's going to have a stroke. No 
thought about high blood pressure or 
diabetes. No worries about AIDS. 1 was 
in that place. But I had to get humble. 
Sometimes you have to break all the 
way down before you get it. It’s like 
dealing with a pretty face: You look 
across the room and, damn, she's gor- 
geous. She walks past and, damn, look 
at the ass on that. Bowlegged son of 
a bitch, shit. Then you start hooking 
up with her and you can't stand her. 
Everybody around you will tell you, 
“Man, she loves you.” Maybe, but she 
gets on my nerves, and when that hap- 
pens, even that fine, beautiful face ain't 
enough anymore. 


7 


PLAYBOY: What signs show you that life 
with a particular woman will be noth- 
ing but misery? 

mac: The motherfucker wants to be 
your mother. She tries to change you. 
She tells you from the beginning what 
to do, how to do it, when to do it, what 
to eat, where to go, where to park. An- 
other one is the woman who can never 
keep a relationship. You see a woman 
with four or five kids and no man, that 
motherfucker's got a problem. People 
can get mad that I'm saying this, but 
these are true signs—and it ain't no dif- 
ferent than the son of a bitch who can't 
keep a job, or who's got four or five 
kids with four different women. 


8 


PLAYBOY: On your show, Bernie always 
seems so aggrieved. What percentage 
of your comedy comes from pain? 
Mac: Eighty-five percent. I reflect on 
my childhood, my young adulthood, 
the disappointments of life—the prob- 
lems I brought on myself, the self-pity I 
went through before I became a man. 
It comes from watching how my moth- 
er dealt with her pain, not knowing 
what her pain was all about. That was 
torture for me. Realizing that my fa- 
ther made me the man I am without 
even knowing it. What a waste. He 
missed out on so much. 1 don't curse 
him and I don't look down on him. I 
just pity him. That's what motivated 
me to be a better father. I look at the 
relationship between me and my daugh- 
ter, how close we are and how she’s my 
friend, and I attribute all that to my fa- 
ther’s not being a father. 


9 


PLAYBOY: Tell us about your dad. 

Mac: My father died three years after 
my mother did. He died penniless. I 
had to bury him. I saw him maybe 10, 
12 times. He used to fight my mother. 
She used to fight him back, and I mean 
fight him. She was rough. 


On one holiday when I was eight, 
maybe nine, my father called me on the 
phone. He was very articulate, clever, a 
smooth dresser. He said, "Son, I'm on 
my way home. I'm going to take you 
out and we're going to do this and 
we're going to do that." Trouble is, our 
home wasn't his home. He had never 
lived with us. I'd always say, " Daddy, 
when are we going to be a family?" And 
he'd always promise to get us an apart- 
ment. Until my mother died, I never 
even knew they weren't married. Any- 
way, I told my mom he'd called and 
asked, "Mom, can I put on my suit?" I 
had a blue suit. “I want to look real nice 
for him.” She just looked at me. “OK, 
son.” She knew the man; she knew he 
wasn't coming. One o'clock. Two o'dock. 
Three o'clock. Four o'clock. Five o'dock. 
Six o'clock. I'm sitting on the couch, in 
a suit, my hair parted vith Vaseline. AII 
my cousins were playing, but I didn't 
want to play. I wanted my father. Final- 
ly, my mother said, "Son, take your 
clothes off. He's not coming." I said, 
"He is coming! He is!” She said, "Son, 
you can keep the suit on for a few min- 
utes longer, but then you're going to 
have to take it off." Seven o'clock 
Seven-thirty. Eight o'clock. My mother 
said, “Bernie, I want you to take your 
clothes off.” I started crying. “He's com- 
ing!” She |, "He's not coming." 

My mother looked at me, trying to 
be stern, but I guess I had a look on my 
face. She said, "I'm going to the store 
to get some cigarettes. When I come 
back, you're going to have to take that 
suit off, OK?" I put my head down. She 
went to the store. A few minutes later 
I heard a knock and opened the door. 
My father stood there. He said, “Hello, 
son." Man, I jumped in his arms. He 
was six-three, about 230. He picked me 
up with just one arm: “That's my boy.” 
“Daddy! Daddy! I waited for you!” 
He said, "You know what, son? Come 
here." He took me to the window and 
pulled the blinds open. He said, "Look 
across the street, son. See that? Dad 
was out buying you a car." Then he 
jiggled some keys. "That's where Dad 
was." "You bought me a car?" I said. “1 
sure did. But you know what, son? Dad 
spent all of his money trying to buy a 
car for you. Is there any loose change 
around here so I could put some gas in 
the car? I’m going to take you driving." 
“Dad, I got some money!” He 
said, “You do?” Man, I shot into my 
room and I cracked my piggy bank 
open. I had 40-something dollars. He 
said, “Oh, my God.” He took all my 
money. He said, "I'm going to get some 
gas, son. You stay right there.” And he 
left. A few moments later my moth- 
er walked in. It was like in the movies. 
She marched me upstairs and said, 
“Bernie, take your suit off.” I said, “No, 


Mom, no! Daddy just left.” She ran out 
of patience. “Son, he is not coming,” 
she said. "I'm tired of playing with you. 
I want you to take it off now." Then she 
saw my piggy bank. “Boy, you broke 
that bank? What did you do with the 
money?” I said, “Mom, Daddy bought 
me а car! He just came and" She 
shot down those stairs. I didn’t get a 
chance to finish the sentence. She 
chased him and caught him. There was 
humbugging in the street. I was the 
talk of the school for a whole month. 
‘They used to call my mother Champ. 
Oh, it was scrapping. And she got the 
money back. 


10 


PLAYBOY: Ever consider therapy? 

МАС: If I needed it I would have no 
problem going, but things are working 
well for me. My family life is a beauti- 
ful thing. I don't have any vices. 1 don't 
have a nightlife. That life has all gone 
past me. Right now I wouldn't fuck with 
the recipe. 


11 


pLavsov: On the show you have a regu- 
lar poker game. When you play in real 
life, is it about the camaraderic—or the 
bad food, the cigars and the opportuni- 
ty to take money from your friends? 
Mac: All of that. The ego gets involved 
It's all about competition. Who can 
psych out whom? You know the other 
guy's lying and you want to see if your 
lying’s better than his. We play golf like 
poker. Fifty dollars front, $50 back, $10 
a hole. 1 love it. Every week it's a grind- 
ing thing. 


12 


PLAYBOY: What's so good about golf? 
Mac: I started playing seven years ago. 
I wish I had gotten into it earlier, be- 
cause I have a mean swing. I didn't 
know what the fuck I was missing. Box- 
ing was the sport in my neighborhood. 
I was also into baseball, basketball 
and football. But now I love trying to 
use course management to defeat the 
course. It's not about what you do, 
about what I do. It's not about you hit- 
ting your 310 in the rough; it's about. 
me hitting my 250 right in the doggone 
middle ofthe fairway. It's about me lay- 
ing it up while you're trying to make 
the green on the back fringe. 1 also love 
the camaraderie and the aftermath— 
meeting people, drinking beer, the ci- 
gars and the food. I love a good time. 


13 


PLAYBOY: The day of the setup-punch 
line comic seems almost gone. Which 


(continued on page 146) 


Valentine's Day 


ТУЕ Ga 79 (uM AW Ya LIKE 


DADA 
VAVENTINES 
РА С\Т 

To Yeu 


ww 


YOUR PRESENT iS THAT oll VE 
A, FOUND AJOBZ „он THAT'S 
FANTASTIC, SWEETHEART 
WHAT job i$ itz 


УМЕД "ORE 


FRONT ROW 
FASHION 


new trends set to take off from the runways 


Fashion by Joseph De Acetis 
Photography by Dan Lecca 


Several big things are poised to dominate high fashion this spring. 
Double-breasted suits are the nazz. White is huge. And light tunic 
shirts beat the heat. Designers have focused their flair for details on 
belts—they're the fashion accessory to use to distinguish yourself. 


OPPOSITE PAGE: This outfit (A) is by Yves Saint Laurent. Tho 
double-breasted suit, shirt and tie (B) are by Gucci. The double- 
breasted suit, shirt and tie (C) are by Yves Saint Laurent. THIS 


PAGE: Deconstructed tops bring casual cool to a suit combo. But 
the comfy, light tunics are great by themselves, too. Pictured here 
are tunic-inspired shirts by (A) Jil Sander, (B) Perry Ellis, (C) 
Gucci, (D) Dolce & Gabbana, (E) John Varvatos and (Р Paul 
Smith. BOTH PAGES, BELOW: New eye-catching belts are by (1) 
Michael Kors, (2) Hermés, (3) uel Adrover, (4) San- 
der, (5) and (6) Paul Smith. (7) Versace and (8) Valentino. 


White-on-white styles reflect several trends come to fruition. The 
look has been making its way up from the street-level fashion un- 
derground—think of Puffy's summer white porties. But it's elso e 
throwback to Gatsby-era slick—in Eest Egg you didn't have to call 
ite white party to get everyone to show up in classic cream-colored 
suits. It's also a nod to the high-rolling beach casino world of old 
Havana. So order yourself another apple martini, grab a seet at the 


Pei Gow table and get with the program. Suits are showing up in a 
variety of shades of white, in linens, cottons and artificiel fibers. 
And with the return of the tuxedo-style one-button jacket, you can 
choose from one-, two- or three-button versions. On this page, 
there's e formal outfit (A) by Ralph Lauren, e suit and shirt (B) by 
Jil Sander, an outfit (C) by Hermés and e suit end shirt combine- 
tion (D) by Valentino. Forget Memorial Day—white is now. 


Verticel stripes are still the wey to pull off casual cool. But the fes- 
tive stripes that animated last summer's shirts have migrated south- 
ward. We'll all look taller this year, apparently. One tip: Unless you 
are going for the wild end crazy look perfected by Steve Martin and 
Dan Aykroyd, you'll probably went to follow runwoy style—plain 
shirts end jeckets thet let the pants deliver a soliloquy of stripes. 
Above: The cream pants (A) ere by Hermès. Check out the way the 


belt is used to pull out the color in the subtle stripes. The taupe 
trousers (B) and beige pants (C) are also by Hermés. (Those glad- 
ietor sandals make more sense if you consider the shirts on the pre- 
vious page.) And the white pants with two-tone blue stripes (D) are 
by Fendi. All these new styles retain the loose, easygoing cuts that 
heve mede dressing well fun again. The only worry? Better heve 
thet overpriced cheeseburger without ketchup tonight. 


WHERE AND HOW TD BUY ON PAGE 148. 


PLAYBOY 


120 


EMMITT SMITH 


(continued from page 106) 
smitH: Going to school. Staying fo- 
cused. Jarrett’s at Miami, and he has 
a chance to be a sought-after player. 
When he'll really need somebody to 
talk to is when he's done with college. 
He'll have agents chasing him, people 
flocking around. He'll need someone 
to help filter that stuff. I'm not going to 
pester Jarrett, but he's got my phone 
number. 

PLAYBOY: What did you and Walter talk 
about? 

SMITH: We used to talk about life. Train- 
ing regimens. Financials. Protecting 
our privacy. 

PLAYBOY: When was the last time you 
spoke to him? 

SMITH: A little bit before he died. 
PLAYBOY: Was he saying goodbye? 
SMITH: Yes. I think Walter had come 
to grips with the idea that his life was 
starting to leak away. “I’ve got to go in 
for more tests, a couple more tests. But. 
I'm at peace,” he said. "I'm cool. It's 
in God's hands. Just keep me in your 
prayers." 

PLAYBOY: Do you think it's fate that you 
are the guy who broke his record? 
SMITH: I do. 1 think certain people are 
destined to do certain things. People 
ask me, "Why you?" But I'm just happy 
God has chosen me, and I don't ques- 
tion his motives. I try to live up to this 
destiny he made for me and never for- 
get where I came from. 

PLAYBOY: Let's see how fast this inter- 
view can change directions. Can a run- 
ning back enjoy sex after a game, or 
are you too bruised? 

SMITH: After the game? It’s every bit of 
possible. Oh, yes. It's comforting. It’s 
hard to go to sleep on Sunday night. 
рілувоу: Cana religious man enjoy sex 
as much as a hedonist? 

smrrH: Of course. Why not? If you're 
married, you've got your mate. You 
can do a whole lot; you can do it all. 
PLAYBOY: We tend to think of churchgo- 
ing men as straight arrows. 

SMITH: Man, I'm going to have as much 
fun as I possibly can. My wife and J will 
go wherever, do whatever. We don't lim- 
it ourselves. 

PLAYBOY: You're unlimited. 

surrn: Unlimited. We're good. 
PLAYBOY: Your wife, Patricia, was Miss 
Virginia and a runner-up in the 1994 
Miss USA pageant. 

swrrH: She should have won it. 
PLAYBOY: Before you, she was married 
to Martin Lawrence. Have you and Law- 
rence met? 

SMITH: Years ago. Before I knew Patri- 
cia. I told him I was a fan of his. 
PLAYBOY: 15 it awkward to see him now? 
SMITH: No, it's respect on both sides. 


He'll say, “Go out and knock them 
down. Beat the record, get your yards." 
PLAYBOY: Think back to your bachelor 
days. Which NFL city has the best- 
looking women? 

sMrTH: Phoenix. 

PLAYBOY: Not Dallas? There vas a scan- 
dal in Dallas in the Nineties—the news 
got out that Cowboys players had paid 
for a house where they could take wom- 
en without their wives or girlfriends 
knowing anything about it. You must. 
have known about the infamous White 
House. 

smith: I knew some things. 1 don't 
want to discuss them, though. 

PLAYBOY: Did you ever visit the White 
House? 

эмітн: [Staring interviewer down] 1 knew 
some things. We'll leave it just like that. 
PLAYBOY: Are pro football players bad 
citizens? 

мттн: No. People want to judge us, but 
before you judge us, why don't you 
look at your own life? When you point 
a finger at onc of us, there are three 
fingers coming right back at you. The 
difference between a football player 
and somebody else is that he's in the 
public eye and you're not. His dirt is 
uncovered. Yours is not. 

PLAYBOY: You discovered years ago that. 
you were drawn to the business world. 
You've owned a sports-collectibles store 
and you're planning to capitalize on 
breaking the record vith everything 
from bobblehead dolls to silver hel- 
mets. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones calls 
you and Troy Aikman two of the best. 
businessmen he's had on the team, 
SMITH: There's some history behind 
that—all our contract negotiations. 
PLAYBOY: Who's the tougher business- 
man, you or Jerry Jones? 

SMITH: I'll say he is, because he's older 
and worth billions. I'm only worth mil- 
lions. Jerry's probably more ruthless 
than Tam 

PLAYBOY: Any complaints about how the 
Cowboys treat players? 

SMITH: 1 miss the swimming pool that 
we had here at Valley Ranch, where we 
work out. In a pool you can work mus- 
cles you don't work in the weight room. 
It's good for your lungs, too. But they 
removed the pool. 

PLAYBOY: Emmitt Smith wants to swim 
and they take out the pool? 

SMITH: I guess there weren't enough 
people using the pool to justify it. And 
I'm not going to say anything against 
Jerry Jones right now, knowing that 
he's looking to do some things with the 
organization. 

PLAYBOY: Like maybe cutting you loose 
to save payroll. 

smrrh: So I won't be demanding a new 
swimming pool. Though 1 do have my 
vision of what I'd do if 1 were an own- 


er. Га want a track and football field 
like we have here. A swimming pool, 
definitely. 1 would make some im- 
provements in classrooms—we need a 
larger meeting room for our team— 
and put in a state-of-the-art training 
room like the Mavericks have. I love 
what [Dallas Mavericks owner] Mark 
Cuban did with his NBA team. Their 
facility is awesome. 1 wouldn't go so far 
in the locker room, though—the play- 
ers have DVDs and Game Boys and 
PlayStation 2s at their lockers! 
PLAYBOY: What else would you do as an 
NFL owner? 

smith: Provide massage and chiroprac- 
tic services. Those things are necessary 
to keep players healthy, and healthy 
players stretch the owner's dollar. 
PLAYBOY: Will you become an owner? 
smr: [Rubbing an imaginary dollar be- 
tween his fingers] Got to get more paper 
first. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about paper. What 
has been your biggest thrill financially? 
smiTH: Seeing my first million dollars. 
It was a Tuesday, before the season 
opener in my rookie year. 1 got a check 
for $1,050,000. 

PLAYBOY: Do they spell it out on the sec- 
ond line, One million dollars? 

smitH: [Nodding] One million and fifty 
thousand. Wow. 

PLAYBOY: Was that the biggest check 
you've held in your hand? 

SMITH: It was one of the smallest. The 
biggest was for thirteen point five. 
PLAYBOY: That's a lot to spell out, Thir- 
teen million and five hundred thousand dol- 
lars. What color was the check? 

SMITH: Cowboys blue. 

PLAYBOY: People talk about your vision 
and about your balance. We have al- 
ways thought, from watching you, that. 
your success has been more about 
strength. At 5/9", 212 you have a low 
center of gravity and you're incredibly 
strong through the middle. 

SMITH: It's interesting you say that. You 
mean right through here, right? That's 
what 1 call the body's core. There are 
so many little muscles in there that 
make a man run fast or jump high. As 
an athlete, your core is the essence 
of who you are—it's what kceps you 
balanced and strong. The guys in the 
weight room tell me that I have one 
strong core. 

PLAYBOY: As did the Lions' Barry San- 
ders, but he retired before he could 
break Payton's rushing record. Were 
you surprised? 

smith: Very surprised. Barry and I 
have talked about it since then. I dont 
want to discussit because he has a book 
coming out. I want to let Barry's book 
speak for itself. 

PLAYBOY: Come on—tell us a little 


(concluded on page 150) 


“This virtual stuff is so real I swear I can actually feel it!” 


121 


Dirty Horry is Alison's 
favorite movie stor- 
ring Dad. “The side- 
burns, the Roy-Bons, 
he looked great in it. 
Ard he's such o 
badass—but a sub- 
tle badass.” 


How ро you wind up normal when your dad is Dirty Harry? Or when he's the outlaw Josey Wales? Well, you spend a lot of 


time hanging out on movie sets watching your father become a god of Hollywood. Then you reach adulthood and find 
you've acquired useful skills and talent. And if you're Alison Eastwood, it turns out you're beautiful to boot. Alison rides 
horses, shoots pool and even brings home the bacon with her own clothing company. Her first major acting role was oppo- 
site John Cusack in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997). In theaters this month, she teams up with Christopher 
Walken and Chazz Palminteri in Poolhall Junkies. “I've always been kind of a tomboy, so it worked out really well," says Ali- 
son. "Even though I don't get to play pool in the movie, between scenes we'd go shoot pool, play the whole crew and the 
cast." And she can handle a cue. “Yeah, that's what happens when you spend enough of your upbringing in dark bars. I've 
had my crazy days. 1 was a wild teenager. Most people party at college and into their 20s. 1 got it out of the way by the 


YT PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEPHEN WAYDA <7 


RAS 


time I was 20. By then I was pret- 
ty much monogamous and living a 
quiet life.” These days, Alison says, 
“just put on an Oús Redding al- 
bum, pour a glass of wine and I'm 
She can sit on the dock of 
our bay anytime. 
“1 grew up on the sets,” Alison 
har's probably one of the 
asons 1 wanted to get into act- 
ing. It felt natural to me to be in 
that environment." But Alison took 
a roundabout route into actir 
ng as a fashion model in Eu- 
I worked enough to pay my Ё 
It was a great experience, but B 
isn't considered a supermod- (3) 
.” So she took up stage acting, |] 
which led to screen work. She also " 
runs her own apparel company, 
Eastwood Ranch. ("The dothes 
rugged, vintage-inspired, ranch- 
inspired, but also sexy— I'm 
wearing some on the cover.” 
s clothes have found er 
s in such stars as 
orge Clooney, Na- 
tasha Henstridge and 
Charlize Theron.) Still, 
she never lets her 
work keep her from 
her passion—hors 
grew up on 
a big chunk of 2 
property in Car- = 
mel. I would ride 
horses from a sta- >, 
ble down the street. I started out 
riding English and 1 had Thor- 
oughbreds, but they were just too 
much of a handful for me. Now 
I'm a big fan of the American quar- 
ter horse. It's sturdy, dependable 
breed I can always rely on to be 
mellow." And, just to be clear, Ali- 
son isn't a sidesaddle debutante. 
“Tve mucked my share of stalls. 1 
get my boots dirty” But she sure 
cleans up nice. 


Above, Alison with Midnight in the Gor- 
den of Good ond Evil co-stor John Cu- 
sock. When it comes to men, Alison is 
stroightforword. "I have o test. 1 won't 
be with a guy if he can't ride a horse.” 


kek x x x x x BER ЫЫ 


PLAYBOY 


Won't GeT Fooled 


(continued from page 88) 
everything. Guilty of all he saw in others, 
and maestro of a self-pity as vast and 
chilly as the North Sea 

There's a certain attack a bass guitarist 
gets in his style when he's miserable. All 
great bass guitarists are miserable. 


The Rock Gods did four things for us: 
They sent us Keith, kept me miserable, 
gave Roger his ego and put the idea in 
Pete's head of writing for Roger as an 
alter ego. Pete would no more expose 
himself directly than I would—his own 
family never really got to know 
but when it came to Roger, he got, in hi 
songs, the braggadocio, the grandio: 
ty, the aggression, the flash, the emp 
ness. We all kept waiting for Roger to go, 
“Hey, wait one minute. . . ." 

Pete wrote best about characters he 
could see from the outside. When he got 
introspective, it turned into melodra- 
matic dross. If you want my opinion. 

By 1966 he was writing for Roger's 
voice—for those things in Roger that he 
thought he was lacking. He didn't have 
one of the most crucial things Roger 
had: that conviction. Which was why he 


was no good in fights. He also certainly 
didn't have Roger's magnetism. Or his 
looks. All he had was talent. He hoped. 
He was this angry nose with a guitar. 
What he was trying to do was to get 
himself halfway to Roger, and drag Rog- 
er halfway to him. They resented the 
way they used each other, but they never 
stopped taking full advantage of it. 


When people thought about the Who 
they thought about Pete and Keith, play- 
ing music and tearing into controlled 
substances as though they had only 24 
hours to live. From the very first there 
were nights when they didn't remember 
who they were, walked offstage and into 
the audience, got into fights and got the 
daylights beat out of them. In Birming- 
ham two security people were sent to the 
hospital trying to protect them. By our 
first U.S. tour, in 1968, the only band 
member who could fight, Roger, would 
be sitting with me in the dressing room 
sipping carbonated water and wonder- 
ing where they'd gone to. 

T'd phone up Kim and let her know 
where Keith could be retrieved in the 
morning. 

They'd married in March 1966 at the 
registry office in Brent, in Middlesex. It 


rained the entire day. Our manager's 
idea was to keep the marriage a secret at 
the time. 

Then, they had a daughter, Mandy, 
that July. 

Keith was a lunatic for the clubs, be- 
fore and after Mandy. There were nights 
I worked through the playlist thinking 
this was the night I'd phone and finally 
explain myself. l'd watch Pete spinning 
around in his white boiler suit, Roger in 
his buckskin fringes swinging his mike 
like a lasso, Keith in his cartoon T-shirts, 
spinning and pinwhecling his drum- 
sticks into the light—Substitute: me for 
him; substitute: my coke for gin; substitute: 
уои for my mom, at least I'll get ту washing 
done—and I'd funnel all motion into two 
hands, not moving my feet 12 inches the 
entire show, all in black so I'd disappear 
even sometimes when lit. 


Onstage we were the musical version 
of a row in a moving van. But what was 
the alternative? We were never one of 
those Serious bands, all dignity and so- 
briety and “minor sevenths' this and 
‘atonal chord progression’ that in inter- 
views, that pillaged mediocre classical 
music traveling with a Philharmonic in 
tow. We were a gang of louts that you 
wouldn't trust round your back garden, 
never mind your mum's china. We were 
best booked into rough places. Any- 
where else, we didn't fit in, and we 
weren't happy anyway. We performed 
Tommy at the Metropolitan Opera House 
in New York, and Keith screamed over 
Pete's big finish, “It’s like we're playing 
to an oil painting—" And the crowd 
gave a cheer, like it had been saluted. 


Every morning he went home, Keith 
told me one night in the back of a club, 
lying on his back buried in Skol and 
Carlsberg bottles, he and the missus 
smashed up the flat with fights. It was 
terrible for little Mandy. “What should I 
do?" he asked. I didn’t say, You can't go on 
like this, or Stop what you're doing, for fuck’s 
sake. “She's a great woman,” 1 managed 
to get out instead. “She is, she is,” he 
agreed with a moan. In Tottenham he 
took a hammer to all nine pieces of his 
kit when we got to the end of Magic Bus. 
Roger threw his microphone off into the 
seats. Pete toppled a stack of amps and 
bounced his Rickenbacker on the debris. 
By that point if we waited too long to 
lose our tempers, we'd start to hear 
during the breaks, "Throw something! 
Smash something!" 

Because what did that kind of music 
come down to, in the first place? What. 
was the audience at a concert saying, if 
not, You stand there so we can know our- 
selues? They certainly weren't saying, You 
stand there and we'll pay you loads of money 
to keep us entertained while you eat oysters. 

Of course, the crashing irony was that 


For a sample CARTON of 
America's Best Cigarette” 
call: 1-800-872-6460 ext. 13000 


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking No additives in our tobacco 
Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health. does NOT mean a safer cigarette. 


© SFNTC 1 ‘America’s Best Cigarette" is e trademark and Natural American Spirit is a registered trademark of Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company. 
Offer restricted to smokers 21 years of age or older. Offer good only in the USA. Offer void in GA, IA. MA, MN, MT, UT. King County WA. УЙ апа in any other location. 
where restricted or prohibited by law or by SFNTC policy. Limil one sample carton per person per year (12 months). 


PLAYBOY 


132 


all of our songs had always been about 
pathetic little wimps: Can you see the real 
me? Can you? Can you? But we were pre- 
senting those pathetic wimps with an- 
themic power. My hair-raisingly over- 
amped bass, Keith's Hammer of Thor 
drumming, Roger's Valkyric voice and 
Pete's power chords. At times I thought 
Quadrophenia was the best thing Wagner 
ever wrote. Here it was the story of a sad 
little mixed-up kid and every track on it 
sounded like a war cry, like something 
designed to terrorize the natives. 

Rage in the service of self-pity was 
what we'd always been about. It was 
what rock had always been about. 


I got married. A lovely woman, at the 
Acton Congregational Church, a year af- 
ter Keith and Kim. I was going to be a 
homebody and not hang out and about 


anymore. It wasn't good for me. 

Recently my wife turned up an old 
battered and juice-stained appointment 
book from 1970, and after a few pages 
I couldn't bear to read any more: 9/12, 
Munster, Germany; 9/13, Offenbach, 
Germany; 9/16, Rotterdam, Nether- 
lands; 9/17, Amsterdam, Netherlands; 
9/18, Rotterdam, Netherlands; 9/20, 
Copenhagen, Denmark; 9/21, Aarhus, 
Denmark. .. . 

It was a matter of being bored with 
who we were, with being selfish fuckups 
each and every night and each and every 
gig. For all our arrogance. Keith took to 
traveling with a hatchet and chopping 
hotel rooms to bits: televisions, chairs, 
dressers, cupboard doors, beds, the lot 
of it. 

His version of himself was Moonie the 
amiable idiot, the genial twit, the victim 
of his own practical jokes. He broke his 


“ГЇЇ sleep with you, as long as you realize you won't 
technically be getting ‘lucky.’ What you'll be getting will be better 
defined as a ‘mercy fuck.” 


collarbone, knocked out his front teeth, 
gave himself three or four concussions. 
But he was only playing the same game 
as the rest of us. Look at photographs of 
us next to Roger: It's like three frighten- 
ing goons with Jesus of Nazareth. Dur- 
ing a backstage squabble, Pete shouted, 
"I don't know who's worse: Mr. God's 
Gift to Hammersmith or the rest of us 
with our Self-Hatred badges.” “I vote for 
the Wooden Indian,” Keith called from 
the floor. He liked calling me the Wood- 
en Indian when he was in his cups. 

“Гуе done it again, haven't I, Wooden 
Indian?” he'd say in those wee hours 
when he was back in Kim's shithouse. 
She finally moved out, though she kept 
track of him through friends. 1 finally 
phoned. We chatted and I didn’t even 
mention if she needed anything, etc. I 
phoned back a few weeks later and she 
was out. She went on holiday. The holi- 
day extended itself. Years trooped up 
my chest and down again. Round about 
this time, Pete helped his friend Eric 
Clapton take the great love of his life, 
Patti Harrison, away from her husband, 
George. I didn't talk to him fora month 
About the same as George. 


"You love me or not, Ox?" Moonie 
would say when he'd been the cause of 
particular unpleasantness: when there 
was a mess to be cleaned or so forth. So 
when he died, why would we have done 
the right thing? Why would we have act- 
ed adequately? When had we acted ade- 
quately our entire lives? 

He came apart step by step, over 
years. Cry for help? He started his when 
he was 10. The man broke his wife's nose 
with his head. He burst into tears at 
stoplights. He was arrested for disorder- 
ly conduct in a mortuary. He paid New 
York cabbies to blockade each end of a 
side street so he could throw hotel furni- 
ture into the street. In Boston in 1976 
we kicked off Substitute and I looked back 
and there was no one behind the drum 
kit. He had pitched over onto his face. 
He was ambulanced to the hospital. The 
crowd rolled forward in murderous little 
wavelets until it finally sank in that Pete 
and Roger were repcatedly promising a 
makeup concert at the end of the tour. 

He had no direction, no nothing. 
“Why don't I ever, like, pick up a bloody 
book?” he asked me once. I gave him 
back the old Entwistle silence. He used 
to tell us he was the best Keith Moon— 
type drummer in the world. Alcohol, 
downers, uppers, painkillers, horse tran- 
quilizers, anything you could fitin a cap- 
sule or pour down your throat. “Fuck-all 
drank all my maple syrup,” Pete com- 
plained one morning on an American 
tour. In one recording session he just lay 
оп his tom-toms, and when I asked if he 
was OK he said, “God, it's hard work.” 
Roger asked me to talk to him. “He 
might listen to you,” he said. “His old 


Attraction! Seduction! Performance! 


Attractant 1000+ Gold Label 


Sex Appeal In A Bottle: Nature's Only Aphrodisiac 

Pheromones are odorless chemicals noturolly secreted by the 
body that increase sexuol oltroctiveness through the sense. 
of smell. Scientists believe the greater the pheromone 
secretion, the greater the sexual olroction The problem, 
people wash oway most of their natural pheromones 
when they bathe. The solution: Attroctant 1000+, а 
powerful synthetic unscented pheromone concentrate 
scientifically designed to attract Ihe opposite sex. But 

does it really work? 


University Study Proves Pheromones Work 

The scientific evidence is now conclusive: adding synihet- 

ic humon pheromones 10 your cologne hos been proven 

o dramolically increase sex appeol ond attract more 
lovers efforlessiy. As reported in the September 2002 issue 

of Prevention magazine, o landmark study at San Francisca 
State University proves that оог only two топі a remark- 
able 74% of those using a synthetic pheromone-laced scent 


reported o significont increase in dates, kissing, heovy petting. 
physical affection, ond... yes, more sex? 


World’s #1 Pheromone Concentrate Goes Gold 

Even more good news! The world's number one pheromone con- 
centrole jus! got even better Introducing the new ond improved 
Attractan! 1000+ Gold Label formula. BE WARNED: just a lew drops 
ol Attractant 1000+'s extro-strengih unscented lormula is up to 
one thousand times тое powerful than normal pheromone 
secretion, Easy, fost, and discreet, Attractont 1000+ adds instont 
sex oppeol to oftershaves. colognes. or even when warn by itself. 


‘Study Proves Pheromone Users Get: 
More Dates * More Kisses « More Affection = More Sex 


Become A Powerful Sex Magnet 
Isat it time you conducted your own intimate scientific study on 
the sex power ol pheromenes? Remember it's biology; i's chem- 
istry. Even the most beautiful ond desiroble women are powerless 
fo resist the seductive lure of Attractant 1000+. Order new extro- 
strength Attractart 1000+ Gold Label today ot the incredible intro- 
ductory low price of 539 95! Regular $49.95 now only $39.95 


FREE! Seduction Guide By Jenz, The Web's #1 Pin-Up 


Ву using Altractont 1000+'s sexual chemistry youll oftract plenty of beoutiful women, but 


you're sill not home free. To close the deol you need ю understond haw a beautiful womon 
thinks and who! she reolly wants Кот a mon. To get the inside answers, we convinced one 
ol the world's sexiest and most downloaded women, Jenz ljenzpinup.com), ю shore the 
secrets of who! й really tokes to seduce о beautill woman 

In this exclusive guide (available nowhere еве), Jenz reveols іо you the ten simple and 100% 
uncensored secrets of how you con seduce olmos! опу wornon. This is powerful stuff! Nonon- 
sense, reol information thot you con use right away. And here's the shockingly good news: 10 


V-Patch: Male Potency Breakthrough 


Urologist’s Amazing Patch Supercharges Sexual Performance 
According lo o recent national survey, 67% ol women asked if they were satisfied with their 
lover's perlormance answered wth o resounding “No Now on amazing, new, doctor- 
endorsed virility patch quickly and effortlcssly turns а woman's disoppoinled “no” into а 
euphoric "Yes, yes, YES!” 

V-Polch virility patch) is a powerful new technology thot took a top team of British scientists 
almost ten years to develop. Thousonds of satistiod V-Patch lovers soy the wail wos worth it 
What Is V-Patch Technology? 

You've reod obout the effectiveness of dermal patch technology in such respected publico- 
tions as Time, Newsweek, and The New York Times helping people to stop smoking, lose 
weight, ond even for birh control. However, V-Polch is the first high-tech herbal potch 
designed to dromatically increase male potency ond improve sexual performance anytime, 
‘anyplace... even while you sleep, but there's much more. 

More Desire, More Sex, More Often 

V-Polch effortlessly supercharges your sexuol battery 24/7 and ollows you to be all the топ 
you can be. Your libido. energy level, and sexuol perlormonce will soar. You will satisîy your 
lover like never before. 


be successful in he gome of love, you dont have to 
be good looking: make a lot of money: or drive a hot 
mew vehicle Youre going to be surprised al how 
easy seduction con be once you know o few simple 

truths obout who! motivates beautiful women. 

Order right now ond we'll send you Jenzs “How 

To Seduce Any Woman“ cbsolutelj FREE when you 
order either Aftractant 1000+ or V-Polch from this 
advertisement. Supplies ore limited, so don’t miss 
out. order todoy 


Easy, Fast, And Effortless 
How V-Potch works: il is o small, super-concentrated dermal patch you place discreetly on 
your body os directed. Once V-Polch is in place you can relax. Your part is done — the exclu- 
Sive V-Polch delivery system automoticolly tokes over. And does i ever! 
Unlike pis or capsules thot must go through the digestive process, v-Potch’s advanced tech 
nology sends the full-strength active ingredients directly into the blood stream for fast, maxi- 
‘mum results v-Paich's exclusive, rodemorked Potency Release System keeps the flow steady. 
constont, ond 100% safe until the potch is exhausted and you reploce it wth o new one. 
Real Doctor, Real Results 
Designed and endorsed by accloimed urologist Albert O'Conner, MD, v-Palch's powerlul 
botanical formulo quickly ond efforllessly ignites ond transforms your sexuel Ноте into o 
roging inferno as it rejuvenates and awakens every fiber ol your sexual being, V-Paich is 
100% natural and sale, with no known side effects, Doctor O'Conner is a professor of med- 
icine and a Се! Of Medico! Education, He is also Chief Of Urology, as well as o member 
of his hespitof's Boord Ol Oirectors. 
An Exceptional Value 
For a limited time, you can try V-Polch for yourself ої the incredibly low price of only 539.95 
for о 30-doy supply. Or, gel o full 90-doy supply for only $6995 ond well include 
Attroctant 1000+ Gold Lobel plus ће Seduction Guide ABSOLUTELY FREE! 

That's a $159.80 value all for only $69.95 


Individual results may vary. These storemenls have not been evaluated by the Food ола Drug Administration This product is по! intended 10 diagnose. trot, cure, or prevent any disease. 


CREDIT CARD ORDERS CALL 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK: 1-800-513-7923 
ALL ORDERS SPECIFY DEPARTMENT NUMBER BELOW • VISIT OUR WEBSITE: WESTERNRESEARCHPHARM.COM 


Mail orders to: WESTERN RESEARCH PHARMACALS Dept. PB-023, Post Office Box 571838, Tarzana, California 91357-1838 


RUSH the following items. 1 enclose Cosh LiCheck ¡Money Order 


C.ATTRACTANT 1000+ Gold Label (regular $49 95) 539 95 
OV-PATCH (30-doy supply) 


AN EXCEPTIONAL VALUE: 
m Se en 1 understand you'll in 


Chorge my [VISA MASTERCARD O AMEX E DISCOVER Expires. 


Accouni Number 


Signoture X 


Totol purchose E 
Colifornio residents ADD soles tox Я 5 


Shipping. hondling. ond delivery insurance... 
Foreign orders ADD $10 S&H (remit US funds} er 


TOTAL ENCLOSED/CHARGED 5 
ORDER ANYTIME 1-800-513-7923 * FAX ANYTIME 1-480-905-0164 


Nome (prin 


‚Address, = 


City/Stote/ZIP. — = 


PLAYBOY 


134 


lady's worried to death.” She's talked to 
you about it? 1 remember thinking. 

He was the original Madman, who 
had to outdo everyone else in rock. And 
imagine what kind of degenerate one 
had to be to outdo everyone else in rock. 
Eventually it got so bad that even he had 
to go for the cure. He started calling 
each of us every night to say goodnight 
and that he loved us. You would pick up 
the phone and not know who it was be- 
cause he was crying so hard. A week into 
that his girlfriend found him dead in his 
apartment from an overdose of Hem- 
inevrin, the drug they gave him for 
his other addictions. When I heard I 
thought: We must have saved his life 
30 times, getting him up and walking 
around, getting him to a hospital. I 
thought of him saying, “John, let's throw 
it over and join the Beach Boys.” I 
thought of the nights I'd gotten him on 
his feet and he'd slurred some version 
of, “John, you're me only friend.” 

1 asked if anyone had contacted Kim 
The police had. After a few drunken 
nights I went over, but she only talked to 
me through a crack in the door. 

"I can't face anyone right now, John,” 
she said, weeping. I could hear Mandy 
wailing in another part of the house. 

“We're thinking of you,” I told her. 1 
hung my head and clasped my hands be- 


fore me, like the undertaker. Still all in 
black. “Let us know if there's anything 
that would help.” 

“Poor Keith,” she said. 

‘The three of us remaining filled the 
airwaves with talk of how the Who could 
not go on without him. Then we went on 
without him. 


Eleven boys and girls were trampled 
to death in Cincinnati before a show a 
year later. We'd insisted on festival seat- 
ing instead of reserved—we didn’t want 
our fans having to sit in numbered rows, 
unable to move about or dance or shove 
their way to the front. So naturally when 
the doors opened there were stampedes. 
In this case too few doors were opened. 
We were backstage and knew there was a 
commotion, but how many gigs had we 
played without commotions? 

What we said to the press, scribbled 
out and read by Pete in a stupefying 
hangover at the next tour site, was: “It 
seems that everyone wants us to shed the 
theatrical tear and say ‘I'm sorry.’ Where- 
as what we have to do is go on.” Kenney 
Jones, our new drummer, seemed a little 
bewildered by the heartlessness of it all. 

We should have stopped the tour. We 
knew it. Everyone with whom we dealt 
was a cretin. Lawyers, managers, pro- 


“I assure you he doesn't learn ihis sort of thing at home." 


moters, fans. And we sat atop the pile: 
the emperors of stupidity. 

Imagine being as drunk as you've ever 
been seven, 12, 15 nights in a row. Imag- 
ine not knowing which pills are doing 
what. Imagine each day when you come 
round yow're reminded how much de- 
pends on you, how many responsibilities 
you have for the next few weeks. Imag- 
ine something terrible happens. And 
your head feels like there's been a heavy 
heavy rain and this is now the runoff, 
and you're in a big easy chair in a haze 
listening to the details on the radio and 
your manager is keeping after you about 
the way the first three weeks of a tour 
pay for the fares and expenses, and the 
next two the road managers and man- 
agers, and three women in braids and 
microhalters like Pippi Longstockings 
from Weimar are bouncing on their hands 
and knees on the bed in your suite while 
your manager keeps repeating himself 
over and over through the closed door. 

We were told after the show how many 
had died. For one second, our guard 
dropped. Then it was up again. Every- 
where we went journalists asked us the 
same question: "Anything to say about 
Cincinnati?" And how could it not start 
to seem false, anything we said? "Oh, we 
were deeply moved, the terrible tragedy, 
the loss of life, arrgghh—” 

Iı was like the crowds had finally out- 
Moonie'd us 

We'd only become who we were be- 
cause of him. He'd been the missing 
part. He'd made the rest of us work to 
capacity. With him in his bicycle saddle 
bashing away for dear life, all the bad 
parts and the wrong parts became this 
awesome and dysfunctional energy. The 
day he'd met us it was like we'd recog- 
nized one another. We'd known that 
everyone in the room was pissed off with 
the way everything was, and with the al- 
ternatives. We'd looked around at one 
another and known right then that we 
would make it. And we'd had a sense, 
even as bollocks-stupid as we were, of 
what making it would mean, of the bod- 
ies we'd leave behind. 

One thing no one ever seemed to un- 
derstand: When Pete smashed his guitar, 
it was because he was pissed off. When 
Keith punted his snare out into the front 
row, same thing. And why did I never 
move at all? Why did I stand there in the 
midst of all of this mayhern, like a bloody 
statue? 

It was my way of making my mark and 
erasing my mai ultaneously. There's 
nothing like it for exaltation and nothing 
like it for rank, flat-out failure. You're 
working as hard as you can to get onc 
fucking song across—to get some livable 
part of you across—and it’s never really 
perfect, it's never really acceptable, it's 
never even really right, is it? 


MARTY 
ШТ 


"Herbert, when I suggested you seek professional help, I meant a psychiatric evaluation!” 


135 


Y 


PLAYBO 


sex M 


(continued from page 82) 
spit-or-swallow column so controversial 
was that she gave her personal take on 
it,” Fulbright explains. “If somebody 
d me if I should spit or swallow, my 
first response would be, 'It's none of your 
business. But here are your options as 
to whether or not you should.’ Anybody 
can give their opinion on sex. But what 
you're an expert on are people's behay- 
iors and opinions when it comes to se: 

Bainum's reaction was slightly differ- 
ent: "Did you read about that Yale girl in 
The New Yorh Times?" she said with disbe- 
lief. "She wouldn't even tell them if she'd 
had sex or not. If you can't be honest 
with your readers, why should they take 
you seriously? 1 wrote a whole column 
on your magic number, or the number 
of people you've had sex with. Pcople at 
college worry about that. What's an OK 
number to have? When she asks, well, 
one might seem to be too low, seven 
might seem too high, so let's lie and pick 
four. My number is 11, in case you were 
wondering." 


Sex columns make headlines at both 
Kansas and Yale, but at universities that 


So YouRE SUPP Alc: FoR VALENTINE] 
AGAIN, ЕҢ, GREEN RD? FLOWERS 
ARD CANDY STULL ARENT Enedok 
Te GET Yow THAT EXTRA Blow Top 
Tes. THE MISSUS 
THESE DAYS, 
ARE THEY д 
aras 


are on the left end of the political spec- 
trum, such purple prose is nothing new. 
Berkeley has always been a step ahead of 
other schools—The Daily Californiar's im- 
mensely popular “Sex on Tuesday” has 
offered frank bedroom advice for the 
past five years. This year's sex scribe is 
who mixes her experience 
worker with level-headed love 
advice. After graduation, Chin plans to 
study medicine with an emphasis on pe- 
diatrics or women's health. 

“College is a sexually charged time in 
people's lives,” the premed sophomore 
i here's a lot of opportunity 
sexually, but there are consequences that 
need to be faced. That's why campuses 
need a sex column. In high school they 
throw abstinence and STDs at you and 
leave you there. This column is a chance 
to break people's fears of being sexual 
and teach them to enjoy their sexuality. 
Its not like you're reading one of those 
health textbooks in high school, taught 
by a 45-year-old woman pointing at anat- 
omy pictures with a long stick.” 

When she's not debriefing the student 
body in print, Chin works with a student 
health outreach program. She plans to 
take students on a field trip to Good Vi- 
brations, San Francisco's woman-friend- 
ly erotic emporium. Her recommended 


Duck. 


purchase? "It's not the first thing that 
comes to mind when you hit a sex shop, 
but they have some of the best sex litera- 
ture around." 

Surprisingly, her discussions of self- 
pleasure have been somewhat contro- 
versial at Berkeley. “Some people think 
masturbation techniques just don't be- 
long in a public newspaper.” Chin says. 

Others think Chin should take the col- 
umn in a more salacious direction. "The 
paper is delivered off campus, so the 
"Sex on Tuesday’ column is read by a lot 
of local residents. I got an e-mail from a 
man who enjoyed my column and want- 
ed me to mention the local S&M clubs in 
town as an option for my readers. Which 
was a little strange. I don't want to sug- 
gest to these really impressionable fresh- 
men—yeah, welcome to college, go and 
be yourself and have fun and go nuts at 
the S&M clubs downtown.” She pauses. 
“That's really pushing the envelope.” 

NYU's Fulbright had a personal en- 
counter with a kinky reader. “I had some- 
body try to hit on me through the col- 
umn,” she explains, referring to a series 
of letters she received that involved 
body-hair removal and spanking with 
boards. “The scenarios were so bizarre. 
It didn’t take long to figure out that this 
person wasn't after advice.” 


by 2y 


Tie WeRLD IS A Pirfegent Pace | 
THAN (С WAS WHEN Yoo AND I WERE 
am Фор, AND GREETING CARDS 
МЕ CHANGED ACCRDINGLY. 
DUST LISTEN Te THIS: "DEAR 
PUALENTINE, WHEN T TUIN 
of Yu, i Floe WE PASHI 


4 


THS 15 TRE АСЕТ one, TAL, LISTED | 
To Ts: ya MAY HAN 
NDING Fer Se YEARS ER KD- 
NAPPING, SHesT¡NO A POLICEMAJO 
AND KILLING INNOCENT STORE 
CLERKS IN THE NAME = WE 
REVELOTion, BUT YourRE Sul WE 
BEST Mem EVER — 


>| 

Cl WELLS DICE Te SEE 
RELISIN MAKING A 
COMEBACK, AYAM. 


To лу ERTE ДЕВА Теге 
COMMENTATOR. ON VALERTINE’S DAY”... 


TAD How's Ts ER ConTenRRaey: 
DEAR VALENTINE, I VE "Де 


You ARE 
LLY CHALLENGED”... 
X THINK THUS ISA 


NENCTAUSE Soke 
BUT get NoT 


& TESTOSTERONE 
ЕМВАМСЕМЕМТ 


D itn the 
est 
well known to. te and 
boost the male homa; 


andresuls. 


AS HEARD ON 
Mi s STERN 


ANNE 
k 
tases Vaan 

ШУМ коп 


SHORT? Try our 
quality footwear. 


160 styles. Extremely comfortable. Discreet packaging 
Sues 5 lo 12. Widths B to EEE. In business since 1939 
MONEYBACK GUARANTEE! Call or write for FREE 
Color catalog 


shoes coma hm [ 
ELEVATORS” 

RICHLEE SHOE COMPANY. DEPT. PB32 

'PO. BOX 3566. FREDERICK. MD 21705 


1-800-343-3810 


Playboy's Privacy Notice 
We occasionally make portions of our 
customer list available to carefully screened 
companies that offer products or services 
that we believe you may enjoy. If you do not 
want to receive these offers or information. 
please let us know by writing to us at. 
Playboy Enterprises International. Inc. 
с/о CDS. 
PO. Box 2007 
Harlan, IA 51593-0222 


e-mail PLYcustserv@cdsfulfillment.com 
tel 800.999.4438 or 515.243.1200 


I generally regunes eight to ten weeks for your request to 
Become effective 


It was a change of pace from her usu- 
al NYU fare. "Just last week I got a ques- 
tion from a guy concerned about his 
blue balls. And this week I responded to 
a woman who was worried that her nip- 
ples aren't very sensitive. Most of the 
questions I get boil down to ‘Am I nor- 
mal?’ I'm here to reassure students that 
they are.” 

In 2001 Fulbright approached Wash- 
ington Square News, NYU 
with an idea to resume their sex column. 
Previous columnists enjoyed detailing 
their erotic memoirs for anyone in the 
Village who'd listen, but this native of 
Iceland was more interested in helping 
NYU students solve sexual crises. Ful- 
bright’s background in sex education 
and her knack for dirty details has made 
“Sexpert Tells All” a hit on campus. Her 
first book, The Hot Guide to Safer Sex, will 
be published in June 2003. 

“People assume it's wilder up here, be- 
cause of NYU's reputation," she explains. 
"You can meet anybody in the city and 
not have to worry about ever running 
into them again." 

With columns on threesomes, female 
ejaculation and even one titled "Anally 
Ambitious," Fulbright's writing can get 
wild for a student newspaper. But, she 
persists, the most common complaint 
she hears from NYU women isn't nearly 
that exotic. “They don't get enough oral 
sex. For a lot of women, that's the way 
they attain orgasm. College guys focus 
on penile-vaginal intercourse like it's the 
goal of all sex. But I have girlfriends who 
have admitted the way their hands are 
stroked can lead to orgasm. 

Forget foam parties and fraternity or- 
gies. Oral sex, according to Fulbright, is 
the biggest trend on college campuses 
today. “People are trying to find what 
they can do for sexual pleasure without 
actually having sex in the traditional 
sense,” she says, explaining it's how most 
students wary of STDs choose to expe- 
riment. "Basically, the question now is, 
"How can I give good head? 


After she graduates, Meghan Bainum 
wants to keep writing about sex. "I real- 
ly like The Playboy Advisor," she says. 

She has a few parting words of advice 
for her classmates. "God, college is such 
a screwed-up place. Suddenly you're 
thrown in with thousands of people your 
own age, and so many of them are going 
through the same messed-up, confused 
time. College is the first time you're hav- 
ing sex outside your parents’ house. 1 
think it's just scary. The thing is, it's OK 
to have sex, and it's OK to not have sex. 
It's OK to do whatever you want. But at 
least talk about it. I'll make everyone's 
sex lives better." 


INTRODUCTORY SALE! | 
60% SAVINGS! 
dm 27 


CONDOMS 
BY MAIL 


ONLY 
$9.95! 


Adam & Eve offers you a full line of high quality 
condoms with discreet, direct-to-your-dcor deliv- 
en. 

Our deluxe 75 condom collection offers you the 
unique luxury of trying over 14 world-class condom 
brands including Trojan, Lifestyles, Prime, 
Magnum, Gold Circle Coins, plus some of the 
finest Japanese brands. 

As a special introductory offer you can get the 
Super 75 Collection (a full $29.95 value if pur- 
chased individually) for ONLY $9.95. That's a sav- 
ings of over 60%! Or try our 38 Condom Sampler 
tor only $5.95. Use the coupon below to claim your 
savings now! 

‘Money-Back Guarantee: You must agree that 
Adam & Eve's condoms and service are the best 
available anywhere, or we'll refund your money in 
full, no questions asked. 

Satistaction Guaranteed! 


Visa & MasterCard Orders Call 
Toll Free 1-800-274-0333 


24 Hours A Day / 7 Days a Week 


cur ano man умту, 
JA. Send Check or Bank Money Order Te: 

Mami Adam & Eve + Oept. [P8295 | 

db) о санаи 


A YES! Please rush my CONDOM COLLECTION and FREE adult 
catalog in plain packaging under my money back guarantee, 
Copt пм. Gn. PACE тот 
45554 Super 75 Collection —. $995. — 
45623 38 Condom Collection — . $595 1. 
Postage & Handling FREE 
Rush Service Add $2 — — 
TOTAL _ 


137 


GOLDENGODDESS 


on DVD or VHS from PLAYBOY Y Home Video 


icons ea 


nu 
RT2000DVD ze 
RT2000V VHS: 


To order by mall, please send check or money order to: 
PLAYBOY 
P.O. Box 809 
Source Code 09413 
Itasca, Illinois 60143-0809 
Add $4.00 shipping and handling charge por total or 
residents add 6.75% sales tax, (Canadian orders accepted.) 


800-423-949 


playboystore.com 


t cards accepted. 


ownpou 
desire 


To erder by mall, send check 
or moaty erder te: 


PLATBOY 
F0. 5 
Nasen, lt 00143-0609 


Add $3.50 shipping and handing. 
charge par total order. Ийт 

residents add 6,75% sales lax, 
(Canadian orders accepted.) 


800-423-9494 
(Source Code 09415) er 
playboystore.com 
Most majar credit cards accepted. 


ва 91017 04 


| T NEWSSTANDS NOW |] 


JIMMY KIMMEL 


(continued from page 62) 
really disgusting. 
PLAYBOY: Why? 
KIMMEL: Penetration, I guess. With wom- 
en it's just rubbing and touching. When 
girls dabble in lesbian sex it's more like 
foreplay, not real sex. 
PLAYBOY: How did Ron Jeremy ever be- 
come a porn star? 
KIMMEL: That shows you who runs porn 
Could some fat, hairy broad be a big 
porn star? No way—there's no Rhonda 
Jeremy. 
PLAYBOY: Will there be sex talk on your 
ABC show, or is that taboo on network 
television? 
KIMMEL: I hope it's not taboo, because 
every other sentence out of my mouth. 
PLAYBOY: Got any porn stories? 
KIMMEL: My first was Deep Throat. Before 
I saw that, I had tried masturbating but 
nothing happened. 1 had a boner but 1 
didn't know why or what to do with it. 
Then, watching Deep Throat, it was "Oh! 
That's how it works!" My cousin Sal- 
PLAYBOY: Sal Iacono—he replaced you on 
Win Ben Stein's Money. 
KIMMEL: Right. Sal is a huge Cowboys 
fan, so his porno choice was Debbie Does 
Dallas. He watched it so many times in 
college that he didn't need the pictures 
anymore; he could visualize the whole 
thing from the soundtrack. He taped the 
soundtrack and then masturbated to an 
audiocassette. 
PLAYBOY: You grew up in Las Vegas. 
Were you born there? 
KIMMEL: No, Brooklyn. But when my un- 
cle retired from the NYPD, he moved to 
Vegas. Then my grandparents moved 
there, and when I was nine we did, too. 
My father bad asthma and no job, so it 
made sense. 
PLAYBOY: You were poor? 
KIMMEL: We had no money. I wore glass 
es in junior high, and when one arm 
broke off, I kept wearing them. For two 
years I wore one-armed glasses. 
PLAYBOY: Would you say that the Kimmel 
home was a strict one? 
KIMMEL: A Catholic one. There was no 
talk of sex. My mother's got a great sense 
of humor, but she's uptight. If she sensed 
that I had a crush on a girl, she would 
make fun of me. It stunted me a little, 
I think. 
PLAYBOY: Did you ever sneak into Vegas 
casinos? 
KIMMEL: We didn't have to sneak. It was 
the Eighties—they didn't hassle you for 
being underage. My friends and I ate 
the two-dollar steak dinner at the Horse- 
shoe every night. That's where we'd be 
at four in the morning. One summer I 
ate at the Horseshoc 39 nights in a row. 
PLAYBOY: In high school you were up at 
four A.M.? 
KIMMEL: My friend Cleto and I—Cleto 
Escobedo, he's the bandleader on my 


s 


show—would watch Letterman and then 
go out carousing. We would drive the 
Strip, hosing down tourists with a fire 
extinguisher. 

PLAYBOY: Did the tourists chase you? 
KIMMEL: Oh yeah. We even got arrested 
Handcufted. 

PLAYBOY: Did you say your uncle was 
a cop? 


: What’s funny is that my other 
uncle was visiting from New York and 
we talked him into going with us. This 
was like the thousandth time we'd done 
it and the only time we got busted. Cops 
pulled us over and said, “How old are 
you?” I said, “Seventeen.” Cleto said, 
“Eighteen.” Uncle Vinnie said, "Uh, 44." 
PLAYBOY: Did you gamble, too? 

KIMMEL: A little. But when I was about 13 
my father said to me, “Look around this 
beautiful casino. How do you think they 
built all this—from people winning?” 
After that I looked around casinos and 
thought, Suckers. They're all suckers. 
PLAYBOY: You're no sucker at football bet- 
ting. What's your record picking games 
for Fox? 

KIMMEL: I average about 70 percent and 
pick an upset every week. We're not al- 
lowed to mention the spread. Television 
is puritanical about that—they pretend 
people don't gamble on football when 
that's why half the people watch 
PLAYBOY: Do you crunch the numbers, go 
over injury reports? 

KIMMEL: No, my cousin Sal helps me with 
my picks. But there's a lot of luck. In 
every office pool there's a secretary who 
wins because she bases her picks on 
which animal would win: “A seahawk is 
just a bird. I think lions would definitely 
beat seahawks.” 

PLAYBOY: You have a colorful family— 
you, cousin Sal and your uncles. 
KIMMEL: And my dad was a bowling hus- 
tler. He dropped out of high school to 
bowl and win bets. My parents met in a 
bowling alley. But I'm not a good bowler. 
ГЇЇ bowl a 135 and then, as I get drunk- 
er, go down to 109 and then bowl a 64 
from my seat. My dad was great, though 
He averaged 200-plus. But bowlers in 
Brooklyn figured it out: “Don't bet with 
this guy!” He joined the Army, and when 
that didn’t work out he had two jobs 
He'd go to work as a short-order cook at 
five a.m., then work the rest of the day at 
Equitable Insurance. 

PLAYBOY: What's he doing now? 

KIMMEL: Vice president of IBM. 

PLAYBOY: You're joking. 

KIMMEL: No, he is. They've got a million 
vice presidents, and my dad is one of 
them. Although he didn't graduate from 
high school, he worked and did OK. He 
even bought me a car for my high school 
graduation. An Isuzu I-Mark. He comes 
home that day and says, "It was a great 
deal, so 1 got one for myself, too." I said, 
“Did you have to get the same color?” 


Devinn Lane 


Reality TV that goes deeper. 
New episodes every Sunday 
at 10 pm ET/ 11 pm РТ. 


Only on Playboy TV! 


For program information goto play bo ytv.corm 


Playboy TV is available rom your local cable tolevision oporator or home satolito providar in tho U.S, and Canada. 
2002 Playboy Entertainment Group, Inc. All rights reserved. 


PLAYBOY TV 


PLAYBOY 


140 


He bought two identical silver 1-Marks, 1 
could never tell which was which. 
PLAYBOY: You could check the license 
plate. 

KIMMEL: Mine was LaNrre, for the Letter- 
man show. So then my dad got one, too: 
LANIGHT. 

PLAYBOY: You really are Dave's number 
one fan. 

KIMMEL: It would freak him out to know 
this, but to me he's like family. Like my 
uncle. When he had his heart surgery, 1 
was beside myself. 1 have a lifelike mask 
of his head in my office. I guess they 
made it for the show. Somebody gave it 
to me. It disturbs me because it looks like 
he's dead. 

PLAYBOY: Growing up in Las Vegas, did 
you go to stage shows? 

KIMMEL: My first one was Sammy Dav 
Jr, and he was great. Then I saw Sieg- 
fried and Roy. They're terrible, but there 
was a highlight: The elephants on the 
stage urinated on a bunch of Asian busi- 
nessmen in the front row. Elephants uri- 
nate like fire hoses, so these guys ended 
up soaked with elephant piss. My whole 
family about died laughing. 

PLAYBOY: Wc hear you lost your virginity 
in a casino parking lot. 

KIMMEL: My mother will be horrified if 
she reads this. Yeah—it was with a wom- 
an I worked with. I was 17. She was mar- 
ried. She'd caught her husband cheating 
on her and I was the vengeance. 
PLAYBOY: Where were you? 


KIMMEL: The parking lot of the Conti- 
nental, a really shitty hotel. In my Isuzu. 
Thad a 12-pack of Heineken and trouble 
in mind. And it was unpleasant. I mean, 
she was nice, she was attractive, but I 
was too innocent. I was drunk, she was 
drunk. I was like, “Oh, are we in love?” I 
never even came. About a month later 
we checked into a seedy motel and had 
sex one more time, and that was it. 
PLAYBOY: Was it better the second time? 
KIMMEL: Better, but not good. 

PLAYBOY: How old was she? 

KIMMEL: Maybe 25. She had a kid, too. 
And while we were having sex I said, “Is 
this your first time?” She laughed, and 
then she stopped. “Oh my goodness," 
she says. “Is this your first time?” I said, 
“Yeah.” Alter that I told a friend of mine 
I had bad news—l had tried sex and 
didn't like it 

PLAYBOY: That is bad news. 

me to rethink the priest thing. 
You considered being Father 


KIMMEL: | was an altar boy for seven 
years. Every altar boy thinks about be- 
coming a priest, because you're 12 and 
you admire those guys. I’m still friends 
with our parish priestin Las Vegas. I 
said to him, “Father Bill, 1 keep reading 
about those altar boys being molested by 
priests. What's wrong with me? Wasn't 1 
attractive enough for you?" 

I do think there's a problem with the 
Catholic church. People raised Catholic 


"You've always wondered what I'd do without you. 
Well, now you know!" 


can be raised very strictly and think ho- 
mosexuality is a sin. Now, if a young guy 
thinks that but feels he might be homo- 
sexual, he might decide the best way out 
is to he asexual. Not to have sex. He'll 
think, I can be a priest and ГЇЇ be safe. 
ГЇ avoid these urges I have. You'll notice 
the stories are hardly ever about priests 
molesting young girls—it's homosexual- 
ity and trying to avoid it. If priests could 
get married, more deeply religious peo- 
ple would become priests and the prob- 
lem would all but go away. 

PLAYBOY: Instead of the seminary, you 
got into radio. Why? 

KIMMEL: | read the Playboy Interview with 
David Letterman. 1 remember being 
shocked that he cursed and talked about 
smoking pot. But he also said he start- 
ed in radio. So that's what 1 wanted to 
do. Pretty soon a guy walks into where I 
was working—working, but mostly screw- 
ing around—and he says, “I'm with 
the UNLV radio station. 1 think you'd 
be funny on radio.” I was still in high 
school, but I went to meet the program 
director. He’s famous now. Ken Jor- 
dan—he's in the band Crystal Method. 
But then he was just a stoned student 
running the college radio station. He 
asked what I could do and I said, “Make 
fun of people.” 

PLAYBOY: What was your first paying ra- 
dio job? 

KIMMEL: Morning radio in Seattle. I got 
$20,000. It was supposed to be $30,000, 
but after I moved to Seattle for the job 
and got my first paycheck, it didn’t add 
up. I go to the general manager: “You 
said you'd pay me 30,” He says, “No, I 
didn't.” Asshole! I'm 20 years old, mar- 
ried for six months and my partner and 
my wife and I all live together to save 
money. One day the program director 
says, “Guys, I got it. Jokes for Dough- 
nuts!’ People call in with jokes 
give them doughnuts." And I said. 
is the stupidest thing I ever heard." I 
got fired. 

PLAYBOY: How did you feel? 

KIMMEL: Small. My wife and 1 went back 
home and moved in with my parents. 
They were glad to have me back, but 
they couldn't really deal with me as a 
married adult. I was out of work for 10 
months before my partner Kent—he's 
still one of my writ d I got a show 
in Tampa. Did that for nine months and 
got fired. People laugh about how 1 kept 
getüng fired, but it wasn't funny at the 
time. I was shocked and felt worthless. 
ny own show 


PLAYBOY: He worked for nothing? 
KIMMEL: For a long time he made noth- 
ing. Then I paid him $25 a week out of 
my money so he could eat lunch. 
PLAYBOY: Is that about what you pay your 


victims on Grank Yankers? The Man Show 
is over for you, but you're still making 


prank calls with puppets on Comedy 
Central. 

KIMMEL: People don't get paid for Crank 
Yankers. They get T-shirts. Most of them 
think it’s cool to be on the show. 
PLAYBOY: But you make fun of them. 
KIMMEL: Mostly we say nonsensical stuff, 
and they have to deal with it because 
they're at work. Like calling Spago. “Bill 
Cosby is coming,” I said, “so the restau- 
rant must be at an exact temperature. 
The bathroom had to be sealed off for 
Bill's use only. No one was to make eye 
contact with him—they all had to look at 
the floor. “If you refer to Bill," I said, 
“you have to call him ‘my man.’ And 
there can be no square food. If he sees 
square food heil go 


This is part of my job. 

PLAYBOY: You were a square on Hollywood 
Squares. 

KIMMEL: Worst day of my life. Adam and 
1 got a bad square, like the middle top, 
and they cut all our jokes. We were too 
dirty. But there was a highlight: Robert 
Schimmel, who is one of my favorite 
comics, was on that day. He decided that 
to amuse us, every joke he told would be 
about Louie Anderson eating ice cream 
out of a man's ass. There was a story 
about Louie paying a male prostitute for 
the privilege. It can't be true, but it’s fun- 
ny. So on Hollywood Squares, whenever 
they called on Robert he talked about 
Louie Anderson eating ice cream from a 


PLAYBOY: You roasted Shaquille O'Neal 
as well. 

KIMMEL: Queen Latifah told a story about 
how Shaq dared his cousin to take a shit 
on the stage during Latifah's show. Said 
he'd give him $50,000 to do it. Then, 
when Shaq went on Letterman, he offered 
the cousin $250,000 to come up and shit 
on the sta; If 1 had a zillion dollars, 
that's how Га want to spend it 

PLAYBOY: Shaq's cousin didn't do it, 
though. 

KIMMEL: My cousin Sal would do it for 
free. When we were in high school Sal 
shit in a bag of Fritos and marched into 
a 7-Eleven demanding his money back. 
"Look in this bag!" he said. 

PLAYBOY: Did he get 


want chopsticks. 
They don't have 
chopsticks at Spago, 
but they said they 
would get some black. 
chopsticks from the 
Chinese re: 
next door. 
lutely not! Bill would 
call that a racist 
slight." 

PLAYBOY: Who's next 
on your hit list? 
KIMMEL: I just did 
one for next season, 
posing as Tommy 
Lee's assistant. I’m 
calling a hotel, say- 
ing, "You'll need 
doctors on hand be- 
cause Tommy will 
probably OD. And 
he'll smash all the 
windows.” 

PLAYBOY: Will Tom- 
my be a good sport 
about that? 

KIMMEL: He has no 
say in it. 

PLAYBOY: So, who 
is worse, Oprah or c 
Rosie? Of 
KIMMEL: I'm not an P 
Oprah fan. At one 
point she was great, 
but now she thinks she's a prophet. Ro- 
sie O'Donnell is 100 times worse, though, 
because she's a hypocrite. She's known 
as the queen of nice, but this is the most 
usly unpleasant person in show 
She picks easy targets like Joan 
who is 10 times funnier than Ro- 
sie ever was. And my executive producer 
used to be Rosie's executive producer. so 
I know how terrible she is. 

PLAYBOY: You play in celebrity golf. 
events. Tell us a good golf joke. 

KIMMEL: There aren't any. But I'll un- 
hook the other guy's golf bag so it flies 
off the cart, and I'll pee on his golf balls. 
PLAYBOY: You don't really pec on guys? 
balls. 


KIMMEL: I do. Who's going to arrest me? 


crazy.” 1 said he'd | 
| 


rid's only vintage-dated 


yar Wars See Вата riage болоп Died and one y Ot Evar Wi 


Eran Yams, 


SINGLE BARREL VINTAGE ROURBON 


DATED 
MATERIAL 


taste of Evan Williams Single Barrel. 


gle Barrel Bourbon — named 
The Year three years in a row—and unleash the unique 


his money back? 
KIMMEL: He got a 
new bag of Fritos 
out of it. 

PLAYBOY: Was it at 
all tough to recruit 
Juggies for The Man 
Show? 

KIMMEL: No. Holly- 
wood is filled with 
all these homecom- 
ing queens from ev- 
ery small town in 
America. When you 
are the most pop- 
ular girl in school, 
there's only one way 
to maintain that lev- 
el of attention: You 
have to get famous. 
Hollywood is a 
whole town of those 
girls. Most of them 
go through their 
lives unsatisfied. 
PLAYBOY: They be- 
come Juggies. 
KIMMEL: Hey, the 
Juggies loved their 
work. 

PLAYBOY: Does 
help their résumés? 
“1 was a Juggy on 
The Man Show.” 
KIMMEL: Their résu- 


y Baréin, КҮ 40 


guy's ass. Of course it didn't make the 
show. They cut it all. 

PLAYBOY: You hosted a Friars Club roast 
of Hugh Hefner and introduced him 
wich the line, "I can't say anything about 
Hef that hasn't already been mumbled 
incoherently by a girl with his dick in her 
mouth.” 

KIMMEL: Some of the best stuff was cut 
from the TV version. Dick Gregory gave 
this serious, awful speech, and all the 
white people stood up and applauded 
out of white guilt Now I have to follow 
that and be funny. So there's a beat, ev- 
eryone sits down and I say, “So the other 
day I'm jerking off and I got my pinkie 
all the way up my ass." They loved it, but 
it was too dirty for TV. 


азу © 2002 


més are great. The 
skills—we auditioned one girl who put 
“rappelling” on her résumé. Another 
one said she could do Irish accent, 
but all she could say was “O'Malley.” 
PLAYBOY: Your s have been on The 
Man Show. What did they think of the 
Juggies? 

KIMMEL: They were on the show, but I 
never let them watch it. It's a dirty show. 
"They're not sophisticated enough to get 
the subtleties of what Daddy is doing. 
PLAYBOY: They'd think Daddy was just 
glaring at Juggies? 

KIMMEL: Exactly. Which Daddy is, but he 
wants to convince them otherwise. 
PLAYBOY: How about a race- 
KIMMEL: White. I'm white. 


PLAYBOY: No, a sperm race that you and 141 


PLAYBOY 


Adam had. 
KIMMEL: We went to a sperm bank and 
raced to see who could get the sample 
out first. Adam won with something like 
two minutes and 10 seconds. I was 2:17 
Then 1 reached up and put my hand on 
s face. Is that the gayest thing? That 
might be gayer than the sho: 
PLAYBOY: The Jackass staff 
race, too. 

KIMMEL: 1 have much better sperm than 
Johnny Knoxville. 

PLAYBOY: There was talk of a movie with 
you and Adam. 

KIMMEL: We wrote one that's called Hot 
for Teacher, but the Hollywood communi- 
ty doesn't feel we're important enough 
to star in it. Several studios offered to 
buy the script, though, 
for somebody else to 
be in. 

PLAYBOY: Who? 
KIMMEL: Johnny Knox- 
ville. MTV Films said 
they would buy it for 
him. It's like some- 
thing out of The Play- 
er. 105 a joke—a guy 
electrocutes his nip- 
ples and now he's a 
movie star. 
PLAYBOY: The New York 
Times thinks you're im- 
portant. The press has 
said you have "the at- 
titude of Conan O'Bri- 
en without the Har- 
vard underpinnings.” 


asperm 


Experts Ag 


including low-powered 


is the “World's Best” protection 


In almost every evaluation, in test after test, the new Pa 
out on top. It provides bl 


do, too, but I crack up because on every 

show he shows his butt. 

PLAYBOY: To you, his butt’s funny on a 

meta level. 

KIMMEL: Last year on The Man Show, Ad- 

"It's like my friend's father used 

: ‘Excuses are like assholes—every- 
He was making fun of 

how trite that is. But the audience goes, 

"Woo!" Adam says, “No, you idiots, that's 

not the joke." That's when I thought, 

OK, we're done with this show. 

PLAYBOY: Time for the talk show. 

KIMMEL: Time to move on. 

PLAYBOY: Do fans of The Man Show send 

you stuff? 

KIMMEL: T-shirts with dumb slogans. One 

said Emerson 


ree: The Passport 8500 


'assport 8500 comes 
fering performance on every radar band, 
1 Ka-band, and industry-leading warning, 


digi 


of laser alerts. Our exclusive AutoSensitivity feature virtually eliminates 


PASSPORT 8800 WINS! 


“The Vento vm mund by бе 
cr model in Ko band which grow: 
ingin popa.” 


PASSPORT 8800 WINS! 


PASSPORT 8800 WINS! 
‘We fund Passport 850) pick of the 
iter,’ wih бе mos sell Tote, ond 
ferocious performance.” 


PLAYBOY: Do you vote? 
KIMMEL: Yes. Democrat, usually. I wanted 
Al Gore to win, but I'm OK with Bush. I 
didn't like him until I heard what a lu- 
natic he was in college. Maybe he won 
because of a fuckup with the ballot in 
Florida, but 1 don't think the Republi- 
cans planned it. It was an accident. What 
we should do is change the rules so that 
the guy with the most total votes wins. 
The Electoral College is crazy. Just count 
the votes! And while you're at it, simplify 
taxes. Right now, as we speak, Гуе got 
accountants poring over the tax rules. 
They'll come to me and say, “We're de- 
claring your car as livestock." Just take a 
percentage of my salary. 

PLAYBOY: President Bush will be a great 
source of jokes for 
your new show. 
KIMMEL: No, I'll let 
everyone else bore 
the life out of young 
people with George 
Bush jokes. Fucking 
Jay Leno is still do- 
ing Clinton blow job 
jokes! Can't we move 
on alread 


Л 


Ine over 5200 cater af highend 2 
табох Лха detectors, the nod goes I PLAYBOY: Got any Kim- 
the Pasport 500" МТ 


mel blow job jokes? 
What's your career 
total? 

KIMMEL: My life total 
of blow jobs? Well, 
what counts as a blow 
job? Does it coun 
she is just getting it 


May 701 


KIMMEL: I don't know | false alarms, and our EZ-programming feature allows you to customize it pular wet for a minute be- 
what an underpin- | forvourspecific style of driving, Passport comes complete and ready lo Mechanics fore sex? No, OK, 
ning is. But Conan's | cdi The experts call it the “World's Best,” and we guarantee you will oo FET Tarif | thats foreplay. So my 


funny. 1 could be a 
writer on his show, I 
think. But all those 
writers from that Har- 
vard Lampoon comedy 
factory, most of them 
go on to write bad sit- 
coms and make no 
contribution to comc- 
dy. They're so smart 
that they pepper their 
work with pop-cul- теп 
тиге references that are kind of funny- 
sounding but are not actually funny. My 
aunt Chippy—a cantankerous, hilarious 
60-year-old from Brooklyn—could cut 
those guys to ribbons. 

PLAYBOY: Is Howard Stern funny? 

mart. People who 
say he's stupid haven't heard his show. 
PLAYBOY: Doesn't he pander to the lowest 
common denominator? 

KIMMEL: Sometimes. 


Call toll-free today and 


Nordsgg yekorematıtkinonsen 
rage digne inne 
теп on he die Serie Koban, 
cal complete ny 02 


KIMMEL: Never intentionally. I'm not de- 
nying that a lot of guys watched The Man 
Show for the boobs and the masturbation 
jokes, but those are the herbs and spices, 
not the meat. It's like The Simpsons. When 
my kids watch The Simpsons, they crack 


142 up when Homer shows his butt. And 1 


start driving with the best protection possible. 
Call Toll-Free 


1-800-852-6258 


5340 West Chester Road » West Chester OH 45069 
> Deparment 400723 


sounds like, "Them are some big ones." 
If you shot me in the head and put that 
shirt on my corpse, 1 would tear it off in 
the grave. 1 do get some good stuff now, 
like three free sets of Titleist golf clubs, 
but it's hard to enjoy it. This is my real 
problem: not enjoying anything. When 
you're poor you would kill for a free pair 
of sneakers. Then suddenly you're a n 
lionaire and it's, “Geez, I don't care now. 
I could buy all this stuff." 

PLAYBOY: Do you have any hobbies? 
KIMMEL: Just masturbation. Hobbies are 
mostly for women. Adam Carolla flies 
remote-control airplanes like a retard. 
When I retire, though, I'd like to go the 
Red Skelton route—make some horrible 
down paintings and get a gallery to hang 
them because I'm famous. 


rt detector — Be Passport 85007 


PASSPORT 


estimated total is 
20. Twenty blow jobs. 
And when you're 35 
years old, that's not 


Jae 2001 


Phas shippi 
OH Res. add so good. 
escortradar.com 55% sales ta That: 
0 55 sales tax PLAYBOY: That's got to 
Free 


change, doesn't it? 
KIMMEL: I'm not ask- 
ing you to do any- 
thing about it- 
PLAYBOY: Last ques- 
tion: Now that you're 
astar for еу, ABC's parent company, 
do you get Disney perks? 

KIMMEL: When I was on the Ben Stein 
show they set me up for tickets at Dis- 
neyland. So 1 go there and say, “Tickets 
for Jimmy Kimmel, please.” And they 
say, "Who?" There are no tickets. They 
blew it completely. But I'm guessing that 
will change. The next time they prom 
me Disney perks, there will be Disney 
perks. They won't want me cursing Dis- 
neyland on their own channel. 

PLAYBOY: Maybe you'll get to sleep with 
Pocahontas. 

KIMMEL: I'd go more for Betty Rubble. 
Nice, big feet. More accessible. Betty's 


more my speed. 


G-MEN (continued from page 66) 


A sleeper who avoids detection is a succes 


sful sleeper. 


Is the FBI watching the right people? 


money to pursue it. 

Terrorists can read newspapers and 
watch television, where the political op- 
portunism that distorts America's war on 
terror is frequently displayed. “A press 
conference may cover Ashcroft's ass," 
said one investigator who travels fre- 
quendy between Karachi and Washing- 
ton, “but we know that real terrorists 
laugh at sound bites. Real terrorists pre- 
fer real sounds.” 

Terrorists and international under- 
world figures have figured out how to 
exploit the Bush administration's need 
for good news. Even seasoned agents 
have to pause now before they decide not 
to make an oflicial report ofa wild and 
implausible tip. It might be true. 

Tipsters around the world know they 
will have a receptive audience if they 
provide the stuff of press conferences. In 
June 2002 John Ashcroft, while visiting 
Moscow, announced that the FBI had 
thwarted a “dirty nuke” attack by arrest- 
ing Jose Padilla, a.k.a. Abdullah al-Mu- 
hajir. Padilla remains in custody, even 
while prosecutors and law enforcement 
officials admit that the case against him is 
weak. Indeed, reporters for The Philadel- 
phia Inquirer sensed the possibility of of- 
ficial exaggeration early on. By Decem- 
ber 2001, the newspaper's in 
prompted an ongoing inqu 
General Accounting Office to find out if 
the figures for "terrorist arrests and con- 
victions are accurate, and if the cases la- 
beled as terrorist cases meet any general- 
ly accepted definition of terrorism." (See 
The FBI vs. Prosecutors on page 70.) 

Underworld figures sometimes pass 
along scary tips to ingratiate themselves 
with American investigators. There is al- 
so the danger that real terrorists in U.S. 
custody provide false information to cov- 
er their tracks or mislead their pursuers. 

In these circumstances, authorities of- 
ten reach for the usual suspects. The cru- 
cial question is whether the people who 
have been arrested are harmless stooges 
who happened to encounter Al Qaeda 
operatives in Pakistan and Afghanistan 
(and may even passively sympathize with 
them) or whether they are potentially 
dangerous sleepers who, on a signal at 
some time in the future, might attempt 
to wreak havoc on the U.S. 

There's no doubt that the FBI has a 
large pool of suspects. This past October 
The New York Times confirmed what I had 
heard from my sources, that every major 
FBI office devotes enormous amounts of 
time to kecping an eye on hundreds of 
people, mostly young male Middle East- 
erners. The Times described piles of pho- 


tos, transcripts and tapes accumulating 
in FBI offices, the result of 24-hour cov- 
erage of the suspects’ phone and e-mail 
communications, what sites they visited 
on the Internet and what they bought 
with credit cards. 

It was surveillance of this sort that 
led to the well-publicized arrests of 15 
alleged terrorists in Lackawanna, New 


York, Portland, Oregon, and elsewhere 
last autumn. Ashcroft announced some 
of the busts on the same day John Walk- 
er Lindh was sentenced and accused 
"shoe-bomber" Richard Reid pleaded 
ilty. The attorney general called it "a 
ing day in America's war against 
terrorism." 

Not compared with September 11. 

Had the FBL really prevented an at- 
tack, as Ashcroft seemed to imply? Pros- 
ecutors admitted there was no evidence 
that anyone arrested was actually plot- 
ting a crime. Some investigators suggest- 
ed that Ashcroft had elevated luckless 
usual suspects to starring roles. "This 
broad net may produce some arrests," a 


ыш ir S‏ ت 


“Et tu, Brutus?” 


143 


PLAYBOY 


Adult Products, 


COLLECTION CATALOG 


Add more excitement, more variety, 
more pleasure to your sex life! 


"The Xandria Collection Catalog, offers a 
special selection of over 200 premium adult 
chosen by experts for quality of 
nd uniqueness 


produci 


crafismanship, style, 
Whether you're new or experienced, timid 
or daring, you'll find the 
products to super-charge your sex life! 


xt passion 


Xandria has been in business for more 
than 27 years with over 2 million 
satistied customers. We back our entire 
collection with a 100% GUARANTEE of | 
Privacy, Quality, and Satisfaction. Unlike 
most other adult products companies, all 
transactions with us are strictly confidential. 
We'll never sell, rent, or trade your name 
to anyone for any reason, so you won't 
get flooded with unwanted mailings! 


‘Two ways to receive $4 OFF 
your first purchase! 

1. Identify yourself as a “First Time Buy 
during checkout ar sandria.com, then 
type the discount code PB0203 in the 
space provided 


Purchase a catalog, by mail (see 


Xandria Collection 


upon) 


Enclosed ss my check or money order for $4 (55 Canada, £3 UK). 
Please send me the Xandria Gold Edition Catalog 
ond a coupon good for 54 OFF my fest purchase. 

Lam over 21 
Sonate required, 


[7 


ion. 


1 эел. 


кае CA 3005 340 Vo 


| Dept. 80203, PO. Box 31039, San Francisco, СА 94131-9988 | 


veteran investigator said, "but I doubt it 
will catch real terrorists. It trivializes the 
real efforts being made." 

According to a source quoted in the 
Times, those Al Qaeda sympathizers who 
were detected "tended to be hapless mal 
contents and not disciplined terrorists 
They are hangers-on and wannabe ter- 
rorists, for the most part. Mohammed 
Atta wouldn't have asked most of these 
guys to take out his trash." 

A sleeper who avoids detection is a suc- 
cessful sleeper. Is the FBI watching the 
right people? 

"If you have these slecper cells—and 
we're the ones sleeping, not the cells—if 
they're out there and they're plotting 
something and it’s two, five, 10 people; 
there's no hope of stopping that,” a se- 
nior FBI agent said. 

Another agent made the same point: 
“They're out there right now and we 
don't have a clue what they're doing. Bin 
Laden probably doesn't have a clue what 
they're doing, in many cases. It's like, 
take your own initiative, do whatever you 
want to do.” 

Another veteran, recalling past blun- 
ders, put it this way: “If we can't keep 
track of them within the continental bor- 
ders of the U.S., we're certainly not go- 
ing to be able to track them worldwide.’ 


When Ashcroft insisted that a semi 
nude statue, Spirit of Justice, at the Jus 
Department be covered, some joked that 
the repressive Taliban had pulled the 
same sort of stunts in Afghanistan. Ash- 
croft’s publicly pious pose was silly but 
consistent with a steady and dangerous 
politicization of the agency. 

Distaste for the fundamentalist attor- 
ney general among rank-and-file law en- 
forcement has deep roots. Early in Ash- 
croft's reign, he downsized the FBI, cut 
budgets and played the usual political 
game that new administrators play. The 
trick is to cut back first, announce an as- 
sault on crime and then put the numbers 
back to where they were. It's smoke and 
mirrors, but it doesn't look clever in light 
of September 11. The bureau’s request 
for more analysts, more agents and bet- 
ter computers was to make the adminis- 
tration look tough on crime. 

Can the FBI survive its new identity? 
Cliff Van Zandt, who worked for the FBI 
for 25 years before he became a private 
security consultant, says, “The bureau 
will have to adapt. The threat is no lon- 
ger Bonnie and Clyde. Will the FBI ever 
be able to back up to its old identity? The 
answer is probably no. Everything chang- 
es once you tell state, local and other fed- 
eral agencies they have to handle these 
crimes themselves because the FBI is 
chasing terrorism. If there happens to 
be less of a terrorist threat 10 years from 
now, the FBI will be looking for work 


The fist was a blonde, 
the second is 

a brunette! 

Following the 

lead of Victoria 
Silvstedt, 1998 

“u Playmate of the 
Year karen McDougal 
has been immortalized 
in the form of a lim- 
ited-edition fashion 
дой. This 16" tall 
Playboy collectible 
includes a white 

robe with matching 
hat, a red bra and 
panty outfit, a pair of 
shoes, a Playmate neck- 
lace, a collector card and 
a numbered certificate 
of authenticity. Got your 
Karen McDougal Dell 
today for only 
549.99 at the 
Playboy Store! 
#RQ7571 


ТЕЕ POSITION GUIDE, TOLL FR 


1.866.542.7283 
LIBERATORSHAPES.COM 


The stereo store that 
comes to your door 


Crutchfield delivers the latest audio 
and video gear. plus the information 
you need t the features and per- 
formance you want. And. once you've 
found your gear. you'll find a great 
shipping d i 
guarantee, and FREE extras you 
ont find anywhere else 


Call now! 1-800-555-8260 


www.crutchfieldcatalog.com 
and enter code “PL” 


Orvi 


CRUICHFIELD 


‘The best selection and service for 28 years 


TICKETS 


(continued from page 85) 
600 seats. Multiply that by the scalpers 
hammering from every metropolis, and 
a significant percentage of the 18,500 
seats end up with people who didn't plan 
to sit in them. 


BLEACHER SEATS 


An outfield bleacher seat ata weekend 
Cubs game is one of the hottest tickets 
in Chicago. To buy it at face ($24), you 
will have to stand in line on the third or 
fourth Friday in February, when tickets 
for the upcoming season go on sale. It's 
likely the people ahead of and behind 
you are scalpers, friends of a scalper, em- 
ployees of a scalper or a homeless guy 
bused in and paid with a hot meal and 
pocket money to carry the scalper's cash 
to the window and purchase the max- 
imum of four tickets per game for 10 
games—then get in line again. The best 
nonbleacher seats belong to season ticket 
holders, who account for about half of 
any game's attendance and who often 
quietly resell their extras, which official- 
ly is forbidden. To undercut brokers, the 
Cubs and other sports franchises have 
launched websites where season ticket 
holders can resell their seats—if they 
give the teams a cut. 


MANSION PARTIES 


The biggest event of the yea 
summer Nights Dream ling 
held in August and attended by Hef and 
1000 of his closest friends. B-list celebri- 
ties who want to attend are asked to sub- 
mit a head shot and resume; Hef sorts 
through the pile to add names to the list, 
while always keeping the female-to-male 
ratio at three to one. Security is tight; 
guards once caught Fabio sneaking in 
two friends in the trunk of his car. The 
only way to purchase tickets is online 
through Playboy Auctions, where the win- 
ning bids have been around $20,000. The 
good news? That's for a pair. 


HOW TO SCORE TICKETS—MAYBE 


(1) Don't call the local Ticketmaster. 
Instead, dial a distant city. The ticket gi- 
ant has several regional call centers, and 
it's unlikely fans in LA are ordering tick- 
ets for a Boston gig. (2) Join presale reg- 
istries offered by Sam Goody and on 
the official websites of many bands. (3) 
When a lottery is held, such as for prac- 
tice rounds at Augusta, tell friends and 
family you'll pay anyone who scores tick- 
ets, Make it easy for them by filling out 
the applications. (4) Browse resale sites 
such as StubHub.com and eBay. You 
may find last-minute bargains. Ticket- 
master also has plans for a sports and 
concert resale site. (5) Ask at the box of- 
fice on the day of the event if any seats 
have been released. You never know. 


Queen 
of Hearts 
CEED 


The Perfect Valentine! 


Silk sleep dress and 
robe sent with 

chocolate covered 
pretzels, red heart 
sugar cookies, gift 
box of chocolates, 
scented heart 
candle, 365 Days 
of Romance, 
Valentine hath 
set and more! 


Order th 


other gift-s 
now јог 


and. 


Todays +1 Adult Starlet 
now has her own 
Bobblehead! Each doll 
(approx 8" tall) comes 

& numi l. 
Hand painted to amazing 
detail. Sure to be a great 
collectible. 


ONLY $24.95 
OR $99.95 


Hand Signed by Jenna 
(iin Cert of Authenticity) 


+$5.95 ea. s&h 
12524.95 #18799 
7899.95 #18817 
Credit Card Customers Call 
1-800-279-1555 


24 hours a day/ 7 days a week 
Name 
Address 
City 

2р 
Car m 
email 


Vi ideo. Age, ne. y 

la le x 

[ё ызы Park Glen Rd. "4 
Minneapolis, MN 55416 . ^ 
www.jennabobblehead.com 


E EA [е] 


145 


PLAYBOY 


146 


Bernie Mac «wa from page 114) 


I don't want a black show. Life ain't all black. Life 
ain't all white. Is heaven going to be all black? 


of the survivors do you admire? 

mac: Norm Crosby. Rodney Dangerfield 
is awesome. Today, it's out of fashion, but 
you can't beat that shit when it's good. 
Rodney always makes me laugh, even 
if 1 know what's coming. It's like a Mu- 
hammad Ali jab. You can't stop it. That's 
good shit. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Which sitcoms shaped your 
worldview? Who got you hot? Who got 
your respect? 
Mac: Dick Van Dyke, Andy Griffith, Beverly 
Hillbillies, Brady Bunch. | didn't have the 
hots for any of the Bradys, though; they 
didn't appeal to me. But 1 used to want 
to fuck Patty Duke or her cousin—no, 
both of them [laughs] 

1 loved Leave It to Beaver. Ward was a 
stern but loving disciplinarian. He taught 
values. I admired a dad who came from 


the office with a briefcase and tie. He'd 
read the paper. Ward and June let the 
kids stay in the house alone; they trusted 
them. They had their own house keys. 1 
used to crave that. I didn't grow up like 
Wally and the Beaver. For me it was, 
“Mom, can I go to the store?” “Take your 
brother and sister.” Fight of you walk 
down the street. All you've got is a nick- 
el and everybody has to pick over shit. 
If you got a whupping, everybody got a 
whupping. 


15 


maveov: What are your Ten Command- 
ments of child discipline? Do you bring 
out the belt? 

mac: If an individual is being defiant to 
the point where he's extremely disre- 
spectful or to the point where his behav- 
ior harms or is capable of harming oth- 
ersor when you have tried everything in 


"Oh, Wayne, this is so romantic. The single rose, lhe ring, the dick 
hanging out of your pants." 


terms of leniency and reaching this child, 
you might have to bring out the belt. 

As a parent, I wouldn't give a daran if 
you saw me smack the kid at Î was 
trying to do was save a life. You can say 
whatever you want, but this is my son or 
my daughter. I'm not smacking the kid 
like I would someone who's trying to 
break into my home, I'm trying to smack 
guidance into this individual. Some des- 
perately need it. On my block there was 
a family called the Joneses. There were 
around 10 of them, and all of them were 
bad. Girls, boys, all of them. Break into 
your house and rob you. Throw old la- 
dies down and snatch their purses. Their 
mother was a spiritual woman, and ev- 
eryone was wondering how the heck 
they became who they were. One day 
she came to our school—to our school!— 
and in front of the whole class said to her 
son, “I am tired. God knows I tried 
everything in my power to make you a 
good person, but you're just bad.” Then 
she hauled off and slapped him. He 
turned around as if he was getting ready 
to attack her, and then she whupped the 
dog shit out of him. He needed it. Every- 
body was like, “Yeah!” because he had 
once hit the teacher. He was a bad fuck, 
and she tore him off a new ass. Every- 
body felt so damn relieved. 


16 


PLAYBOY: What four songs would you put 
on your Seventies soundtrack for a des- 
ert island? 

Mac: Earth, Wind and Fire's Can't Hide 
Love. The Spinners' Mighty Love. Chica- 
go's If You Leave Me Now. The Stylistics” 
Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart). Vm a 
ballad man. 


17 


PLAYBOY: In your book, / Ain't Scared of 
You, you write about how Roots changed 
everything when it came to black names. 
What are some of the rules of name 
construction? 

Mac: It started in the Seventies. Tamika. 
Kawana. The old African names. The 
Similac babies in the Eighties took it to 
another plateau. In the Nineties women 
started trying to be more fashionable 
with it, naming their kids Champagne 
and Porsche and Lexus and Mercedes. 
Some of the names are made up: Kuwa- 
na, Kuweesha, x 
lady, spell it any kind of 
The simplest name now is 
cult name to spell. Devra with a "v." 
French." What? It's all a fad. You roll thy 
ball and everybody jumps on it. Now it 
out of hand and extends to every p: 
life. No one seems to have an identity for 
themselves. Now everybody struggles 
with piercings, tattoos, hair color. The 
more unorthodox you look, the more 
yow're accepted. When you saw a good 
tattoo back in the day, you knew what it 


CALENDAR 


— GS m 
The world’s most beautiful women wish 
you a Happy New Year and a steamy 2003! 


A 


A 


опба!‹ "= 


46-Month Limited Editl 


Super hot head-turners for your wall. These 
luscious calendars offer the ultimate in eye 
candy all year long. 


A. 


RV8213 2003 Barbi Twins Wall Calendar 
(11"x 17") $13.95 

RV8197 2003 Lingerie Wall Calendar 
(117x177) $14.99 


Pencil in weekly and monthly meetings with our 
Playmates. A bevy of sexy Playboy beauties for 
you to meet month after month in intimate, full- 
color photos. Full nudity. 


D. 


C. RVCC2003W 2003 Playmate Wall Calendar 


(13"x 8") $7.99 
RVCC2003D 2003 Playmate Desk Calendar 
(8"x 5") $7.99 


SAVE $4 when you buy C and D 
2003 Playmate Calendar Set $11.95 


Spend 2003 with Playboy's loveliest ladies. Our Special 


Editions calendars decorate your wall in the most tanta- 


lizing ways imaginable. Unclad coeds, nude knockouts 


and voluptuous vixens display their charms year 'round. 


Full nudity, 


Б; 


Е 


е. 


RV8204 2003 Nudes Wall Calendar 

(12"x 12") $12.95 

RV8203 2003 College Girls Wall Calendar 
(12"x 12") $12.95 

RV8267 2003 Vixens Wall Calendar 

(12"x 12") $12.95 


SAVE $8 when you buy E, F and G 
2003 Special Editions Calendar Set $30.95 


Mm 


(ИП 


OY 


PLAYBOY PLAYMATE CALEN 


To order by mail, please send check or 
money order to: PLAYBOY 

P.O. Box 809 

Source Code 09415 

Itasce, IL 60143-0609 
Add $3.50 shipping and handling charge per 
total order. Illinois residents add 6.75% sales 
tax. (Canadian orders accepted.) 


Buy THE ser SAVE $8! 
RV7039 2003 Special 
Pl Editions Calendar Set 


Buy тне ser SAVE $4! 
RV8196 2003 Playmate 
Calendar Set $11.95 


A y) 
¡calendar 


$30.95 
JN 


03 Payboy 


3calendar { 


800-423-9494 


(Source Code 09415) or 


playboystore.com 


Most major credit cards accepted. 


EIE ial) 


148 


WHERE 


HOW 


ro 


BUY 


Below is a list of retailers 
and manufacturers you can 
contact for information on 
where to find this month's 
merchandise. To buy the ap- 
parel and equipment shown 
on pages 30, 32, 43-44, 
78-79, 86-87, 107-109, 
116-119 and 155, check 
the listings below to find the 
slores nearest you. 


MAN 
, 


STAND BACK! I 
DON'T KNOW HOW 
BIG THIS THING IS 
GONNA GET! 

Pages 78-79: Canon, 800- 
898-4040. Fujifilm, 800- 
800-3854 or fujifilm.com. 
Minolta, minoltausa.com. 


A Nikon, nikonusa.com. 
une? | Obmpus, 800-622-6373 
Ma or olympus.com. Sony, 


888-222-7669. 


MUSIC 

Page 30: Classic Mountain Songs, www. 
folkways.si.edu. Avram Fefer, cadence 
building.com/cadence/cimp.html. 
Manitoba, posteverything.com/leaf, 
dominorecords.com. Mississippi Fred 
McDowell and Johnny Woods, fatpos 
sum.com. Napoli Is Not Nepal, shitkata 
pult.com. RCA Country Legends: The 
Bristol Sessions, bmg.com. Rise Above, 
sanctuaryrecords.com. Billy Joe 
Shaver, www.compadrerecords.com. 
Frank Sinatra, hollywoodandvine. 
com. Streets, vice-recordings.com. 
Thicke, interscope.com. We Ragazzi, 
selfstarterfoundation.com. Yeah Yeah 
Yeahs, tgrec.com. 


WIRED 

Page 32: Acclaim, 516-656-5000. Au- 
thenex, authenex.com. Griffin Technolo- 
gy, griftech.com. Innogear, innogear. 
com. Kyocera, 800-349-4188 or kyo 
cera-wireless.com. Sony, 800-345- 
7669 or playstation.com. Tecmo, 800- 
338-0336 or tecmoinc.com. Wildseed, 
wildsced.com. 


MANTRACK 
Pages 43-44: Dyson, 866-693-9766 or 
dyson.com. Gateway, gateway.com. 
Harper Collins, harpercollins.com. Pa- 
permate, papermate.com/pendulum. 
Pebble Beach, 800-654-9300 or pebble 
beach.com. Singapore Airlines, singa 
poreair.com. Robert Vance Lid., 847- 
478-0988. 


COLOGNE 

Pages 86-87: Calvin Klein, from Uni- 
lever, 800-715-4023. Creed, 877-273- 
3369. Frederic Malle, from Barneys, 
888-822-7639. Estée Lauder, 888-731- 
6024. Gucci, gueci.com. Lancôme, 800- 
526-2663. Liz Claiborne, at depart- 
ment stores. Michel Germain, michel 
germain.com. Versace, versace.com. 


WANT A WOODY? 
Pages 107-109: Alpha Z Motor Boats, 
813-247-3333 or alphazmotorboats. 
com. Michael Peters Yacht Designs, 941- 
955-5460 or mpyd.net. Van Dam Wood 
Craft, 231-582-2323 or vandamwood 


craft.com. 


FASHION 

Pages 116-119: Dolce & Gabbana, dol 
cegabbana.it. Perry Ellis, perryellis. 
com. Fendi, 212-767-0100. Gucci, 212- 
826-2600. Hermés, hermes.com. Mi- 
chael Kors, 212-452-4685. Ralph Lau- 
ren, polo.com. Jil Sander, jil sander. 
com. Paul Smith, 212-627-9779. Val- 
entino, 212-772-6969. John Varvatos, 
212-965-0700. Versace, versace.com. 
Yves Saint Laurent, ysl.com. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 155: Blue Note, bluenote.com. 
ECM, ecmrecords.com. Impulse, im 
pulserecords.com. Milestone, fantasy 
jazz.com. Okka Disk, okkadisk.com. 
Palmetto, palmetto-records.com. Pi, pi 
recordings.com. Sony Legacy, legacy 
recordings.com. Warner, whjazz.com. 


CREDITS: PHOTOGRAPHY Br т з FATTY BEAUDET FRANCES i3) SCOTS CURTIS: GEORGE SEORGIOU 131, RON MESANOS 


(a! ELAVNE LODOE 3). ALISON REYNOLDS. E 13 ARMY FREYTAG, P 16 RISKING, DAVID RAYS Iai: Pr 19 © 2002 RAMEY PRO 


P_122 MAKEUP BY KIMBERLY EX, STYLING BY REBECCA BROUGH COVER MODEL: ALISON EASTWOOD, PHOTOGRAPHER, 
Анну FREYTAG, MAIR ANO MAKEUP KIMBERLY CX, STYLING LANE W. PRODUCEN. MARILYN GRABOWSKI. 


represented. The cat was part of some 
motorcycle gang, or he'd been in prison. 
Now they've got them on their neck, on 
their titty, the whole left side of their 
back, their ankle, inner thigh, the crack 
of their ass. They have five earrings in 
their ear and in their tongue, and they 
can't hardly talk. They got their nose 
pierced, their eyebrow pierced. They got 
their dick pierced and their clit pierced. 
Come on! 


18 


PLAYBOY: Have you been criticized for 
not being black enough? 

mac: Not yet. I know that stuff's going to 
come. You can't win, and that's why 1 
don't concern myself with it. 1 don't want 
a black show. Life ain't all black. Life ain't 
all white. Is heaven going to be all black? 
Is it going to be all white? You have to 
look at the motive behind that stuff. 


19 


PLAYBOY: Your act is often a deep shade 
of blue. Is there any other word as per- 
sonal and as rich in meaning as mother- 
fucker? What word would you be happy 
to never hear again? 
Mac: Nigger. It's been abused and over- 
dramatized. Nigger has even been em- 
braced as a term of greeting. I used it in 
my book to define what I was talking 
about, but I don't use the word when I'm 
speaking. How can black people use it 
among themselves and then get upset 
when someone ofa different ethnicity us- 
es it? For instance, at an airport I once 
saw some white people with their black 
friends and one of the white guys was say- 
ing, “Come here, nigger: This is my nig- 
ger." And his friend didn't mind. 
On the other hand, 1 was walking in a 
park one day. A car pulled up, a Chevy, 
and somebody yelled, “Niggers, get out 
of the fucking neighborhood! Fucking 
niggers!” The guys who were with me 
blew a gasket. “Fuck you! Come back 
t, you motherfucker!” But 1 kept 
walking. “Come on back here, Bernie. 
Did you hear what they said, man?” 1 
said, “Yeah, I heard 'em." "Then why you 
ain't mad?" 1 said, "They weren't talking 


up. 

puta ribbon on it. "Whassup, nigger?" is 

still nigger. It sounds the same to me, It 

don't sound Latin. It don't sound French. 

Why use it? What if an Asian woman 

2 is my nigger "? Can you say, 
k”? 


riavsoy: What cussword sounds the best 
coming out of a woman's mouth? 
MAC: Cocksucker. 


NEW! Playboy's got a foot fotish—and so will you— 
when she wears these fuzzy pink slippers with an 
‘embroidered Rabbit Head. Imported. Cotton/poly- 
ester. S (5/6), M (7/8), L (8/9), XL (10/11). 

RL8216 Pink Rabbit Head Slippers $22 


‘Sex appeal squared. Stash your cash in our hand- 
some chrome-finish Rabbit Head money clip backed 
with a spring-loaded clasp, Made in USA. 1'4" x 17/2". 
RL7762 Playboy Money Clip $22 


Incredibly sheer in front, this sexy red lace teddy 
bares her backside with a teeny G-string and two 
tiny satin straps. Imported. Nylon. One size. 
RLB037 Red Hot Halter Teddy $29 


When your Playmate drops by for a drink, tease her 
taste buds with martinis mixed in Playboy's metal. 
shaker with an embossed Rabbit Head, then serve 
them in a pair of our 6 oz. glasses. Items not available 
separately. Imported. 

RL7066 Complate Martini Set $49.95 


lection of favored creams, scented ой and other erotic 
accessorles, including a vibrator, a feather, a romance 
candle and black satin thongs for both of you. Imported. 
RL8210 Lust™ Love & Romance Collection $42 


EXCL Tho "I Read the Articles" -shirt lets ‘em 
know in no uncertain terms that evan the homiest guys 
can be well read and have a sense of humor. Imported. 
Cotton. M (36-38), асуы XXL(46). 
RL2313 “1 Read the Articles” 


NEW! Just like the popular Playboy column, the 
Mantrack book features simple, easy diagrams 
that illustrate how to master essential modern 

talents. Hardcover. 6'4" x 6'/". 
RL8212 Mantrack Book $9.95 


72 pagas. 


Dangle this Playboy delight from her wrist and 
it will always remind you of sex! Chain-linked silver- 
tone bracelet and Rabbit Head charm with e pink 
rhinestone eye. Imported. One size fits all. 

RL7728 Rabbit Head Charm Bracelet $25 


To order by mail, send check or money order to: 
PLAYBOY 
P.O. Box 809 
Source Codo 09408 
Itssca, IL 60143-0809. 
Add $7.95 shipping and handing charge per 
total order. Minois residents add 6.75% sales 
tax. (Canadian orders accepted.) 


800-423-9494 


(Source Code 09406) or 


playboystore.com 


Most major credit cards accepted. 


rm 


PLAYBOY 


150 


EMMITT SMITH 


(continued from page 120) 
ѕмітн: All right. One reason he retired, 
in my opinion, is that he was unhappy 
with the way he was treated in Detroit. 
Not just the frustration of losing, but 
promises that weren't kept 
PLAYBOY: Bad faith on the Lions’ part? 
SMITH: Yes. And that is part of what's 
wrong in Detroit. Players can see how 
people are treated. Players are smart; 
they all know when somebody has been 
screwed over. And if they'll do that to 
Barry Sanders, the pride and joy of the 
organization and the team's whole his- 
tory, what are the players supposed to 
think? Why would they stay there or go 
there in the first place? 

PLAYBOY: Do you think the way the Lions 
treated Sanders led to the franchise's 
troubles? 

SMITH: 1 think it had a lot to do with it. 
PLAYBOY: Which running backs are in 
your class? 

sMITH: There are a lot. Marshall Faulk's 
probably the most talented runner in the 
league. But don't forget about Fred Tay- 


lor. He hasn't been healthy the past cou- 
ple of years, but he has all Marshall's at- 
tributes and he's probably faster. 
PLAYBOY: Few NFL backs can block like 
you do. You're a fierce blocker. That's 
a lunch-bucket skill—it's mostly effort, 
isn't ir? 

SMITH: Here's how I see it: The more 
rounded you are, the harder it is for the 
defense to know what you might do. 
Teams know that a lot of backs don't 
want to put their heads down and block, 
so they can fire away and blitz the quar- 
terback. But if you can block they'll say, 
“Why waste our time rushing the quar- 
terback?" They don't even try. Now sup- 
pose I'm a back who doesn't just run and 
block. Suppose I can catch a pass, too. 
PLAYBOY: You've caught 480 passes for 
over 3000 career yards. 

ѕмттн: 1f you can run and block and catch 
the ball, then you've really got them 
thinking. They have to ask themselves, 
What do we do? Which way do we go? 
pLaysoy: Running backs often talk about 
a sixth sense they have. They say they 
are able to “feel the hole.” Can you real- 
ly do that? 


“OK, that’s enough foreplay. Time to put one on.” 


SMITH: It's more like feeling the flow of 
a play—how fast the defense is coming, 
where it's moving, where all the bodies 
are headed. Is the defense going to meet 
you at the hole, at the juncture, or can 
you get to the hole first? Should you be 
behind the flow of a play, or should you 
hurry to get out in front of it? 
PLAYBOY: Do you see arrows moving 
around, like on Madden's Telestrator? 
SMITH: at I see is flashes. | see col- 
ors—the uniforms of my team and the 
team we're playing. It's a flash of our 
uniforms mashing against the color of 
theirs. 

playboy: That's prety abstract. 

SMITH: It’s pretty cool. 

PLAYBOY: Do you ever think, Hey, one 
of those flashes is Ray Lewis coming 
to get me? 

вмгти: Yes, exactly. That's one flash to 
avoid. You want to stay away from him. 
PLAYBOY: Brett Favre did the Playboy In- 
terview several seasons ago, after he came 
out of rehab. He said he had “taken a 
fancy” to the painkiller Vicodin. He told 
us he didn't take the stuff to keep play- 
ing; he liked it because it helped him es- 
cape after games 

SMITH: I have taken Vicodin, but I don't 
take pills for more than a day or two. Гуе 
got a medicine case full of bottles that 
were prescribed for me, but I leave them 
there. 

rLAYBOY: Last year Favre got sacked— 
sort of—by the Giants’ Michael Strahan. 
It looked like he took a fall to help Stra- 
han set the NFL single-season record 
for sacks. 

SMITH: I'd have to look at the tape to say 
for sure, but 1 thought Brett was about 
to roll out and he moved right into Mi- 
chael and went down to avoid a big hit. 
PLAYBOY: That's not how it looked. If 


Favre took a dive, was he right or wrong 
todo it? 


the quarter- 
Now if he could 


PIAYBOY: If he went down to help Stra- 
han get the record— 

smith: That would be bad, yes. That 
would be sick. 

praveoy: What if a guy had let you run 
through him so you could break Pay- 
ton's record? 

SMITH: Trust me. They weren't rolling 
over for me. Nobody wanted to be in my 
highlight clip. 

pravsov: Let's end on a philosophical 
note. Fate may be a fine thing, but do 
you really think it guides football ca- 
Teers? Twenty years ago you were play- 
ing Pop Warner football and a 10-year- 
old tried to tackle you—he collided with 
you and you broke the poor kid's arm. 
Was that fate? 

sari: [Smiling] Maybe 1 helped that kid 
figure out that football wasn't for him. 


PLAYMATE SNEWS 


і the Indianapolis 500 
| and dozens of Lakers 

i games. She has been 
playing golf since she 
was 12, writes a golf 
column for Foxsports 
com and has report- 
ed from several PGA 
tournaments and the 


Andy Rooney oflended women ev- 
erywhere when he stated, “The only 
thing that bugs me about TV sports 
coverage is those damn women on 
the sidelines who don't know what 
the hell they're talking about. I'm not 
a sexist person, but a woman 


“Cyndi Wood came by the stu- 
dio on a Wednesday for test shots, 
and by Friday we were shooting 
the picture of her 
standing in the 
doorway at the 
Mansion,” says 


has no business trying to make B COPY photographer 
some comment about a foot- bo 4 Pompeo Posar in 
ball game.” Lisa Dergan, who e my ¿| The Playmate Book. 
holds her own TE Ый A “I also did some 


lights so far was being written 
about in Sports Illus- 
trated,” she says. 

“They wrote a 

little blurb about 

my hosting gig 
and ran a photo- 
graph. That's a huge 
deal to me. Plus, it's in 
the NHL preview issue 
that everyone keeps. 
I'm so excited." Does 
she ever give her co- 
hosts some links ad- 
vice? "Yep," Lisa says. 
“1 tell them what I tell 
everybody else: Don't 
talk during your back 
swing and replace your divots.” Spo- 
ken like a true jock. 


with the guys 
as the national 
sports update 
anchor on Fox 
Sports Net's 
NFI. Show, has 
proved Rooney 
wrong. “I work Y 
with all these 
sports greats: 
Tony Siragusa, 
Michael Irvin, 
D'Marco Farr,” 
she says. "Co- 
median Tommy Davidson is on 
the show, too. It's a total blast." A 
reporter for Fox Sports Net since 
January 2002, Lisa has broadcast 
live from the Kentucky Derby, the 
U.S. Open, the NHL all-star game, 


shots of her with 
a parakeet on 
her shoulder, and 
when I finished 
the roll I laid it 
down at the edge 
of the swimming 
pool. An ostrich 
came by and swal- 
lowed it." Lucki- к 
ly, thousands of Odi Wood. 

other shots of Cyndi did not go 
to the birds, and when we pub- 
lished her February 1973 pic- 
torial, readers adored her. She 
became 1974's PMOY and ap- 
peared on five covers in the Sev- 
enties, making her one of the 
most popular Playmates ever. 


JACKPOT! 


PLAYBOY always wants yau ta get lucky, sa it wos only natural 
for us to team up with Bally Gaming and Systems ta create a 
line af slot machines. Clockwise from left: An od featuring 

Victoria Fuller. Tino Jordon and Nicole Narain at the 

Monsion's slot launch party. Vanessa Gleason takes o 
spin. Christi Shake, Jennifer Wolcott and Lauren Hill 
Js o TUBE ants Miriam Gonzalez and Stephanie Heinrich toss beads ta 
Fay FAVORITE SING the crowd at Harrah's Casino's A Night at the Playboy 
Monsian bash in New Orleans. Three Rabbit Heads win 

the big bucks far you. The 
bus stops ot Hef's house. 


151 


My Fayorite 


Playmate 
By Robert 
Forster 


My favorite is Marilyn 
Monroe. When I was in eighth 
grade her PLAYBOY spread 
made an appearance in the 
lunchroom of Madison High 
School in Rochester, New York. 
She was the first Playmate 1 
ever saw. She electri- 
fied the lunchroom 
like a lightning 
bolt. All the 
guys congre- 
gated Р. 


around 
the 
maga- 
zine 

to look. 


y 


MICHELLE ROGERS: 
“I went to o nude beach and saw a 
sign: NO MORE NUDITY. | was upset. 
I'd driven three hours." 


PLAYMATE NEWS 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 
February 1: Miss February 1995 
Lisa Marie Scott. 
February 3: Miss April 1996 
in Bonner 


February 12: Miss July 1983 
Ruth Guerri 

February 15: Miss May 1061 
Susan Kelly 

February 20: Miss September 1986 
Rebekka Armstrong 


mates, because she is outspoken and 
can hang with the guys—remember 
her as that randy gal who snagged 
Steve Buscemi in Armageddon?—to 
find out the latest in dating etiquette: 
"The first dating do," Layla says, 
to open the door for her, be it a car 
door or a restaurant door. It shows 
respect and good manners. Next, 
stand up when your date goes to the 
rest room. Send flowers to 

show that you are 
thinking of her 
It’s the little mo- 
ments that don't 
seem to have mean- 
ing that mean the 
most. Be sponta- 
neous! I like to be 
surprised with a 
bubble bath, can- 


We want everybody to get laid on 
Valentine's Day. If that's too much to 
ask, we want you to at least behave 
properly on a date. We rang up Lay- 
la Roberts, one of our favorite Play- į 


dles and pink roses. 
One time a guy took 
me to Santa Barbara and spoiled me 
with spa treatments. It was great." 


Being a Playmate isn't all glamorous parties and photo shoots. As evidence, 
Lindsey Vuolo sent us o stock of photos chronicling the post few months. 
Clockwise from left: Riding it out ot a chority event. Helping underprivileged 
children. Hanging with Angelica Bridges at a press con- 

ference. Firefighter for the day. At an Aspen Marketing 

event. Making an average Joe's doy. 


vy people in the world have 


x when so many 


a 
E 
3 
E 
= 
Ss 
SS 
So 
Б a 
Ss 
EX 
3 
2 
b 
S 
= 
"S 


"Somelimes I feel gui 


Lj 
NIGHT | CN hey're the 
zıve ) Ә W wildest moments 
а x you've missed, 
1 and the scenes 


Juli Ashton 7 


you can't wait 


to see again! 


Catch the шу Crystal Knot 
hottest action 
from 

Playboy TV’s 

hit call-in shows 
in these 


“Best of” specials. 


Best of Night Calls: Premieres January 2 at 10 pm ET/11 pm PT. For program information goto 
Best of Night Calls 411: Premieres January 9 at 10 pm ET/11 pm PT. playhoytv.com 
ER DANT Playboy TV is available from your local. 
Go to ‚playboytv.com for additional air times. cable television operator or home 
satellite provider in the U.S, and Canada. 


Only on Playboy TV! A PLAYBOY TV 


A ©) Y 


on the 


scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


BIG BANDS ARE BACK 


azz—yes, jazz—is in amazing shape creatively. On band- 

stands from Manhattan to San Francisco, big bands are ag- 

gressive, intense and (best of all) intelligent. Here are a few 

CDs worth disturbing the neighbors for: With its meticulous 
charts, the Dave Holland Big Band's What Coes Around (ECM) will 
win big at this year's Gram- 
mys. Roscoe Mitchell's 
Song for My Sister (Pi) com- 
bines Ellingtonian elegance 
with free-jazz energy. On 
A Beautiful Day (Palmetto), 
pianist Andrew Hill charges 
his 16-piece band through 
eight angular songs. With 
relentless drive and ex- 
quisite dynamics, the Peter 


Right: Recent boxed sets 
from John Coltrane, Miles 
Davis and Bill Evans offer a 
new view of three giants 
of modern jazz. Below: Big 
bands are back, but don’t 
expect the dulcet tones of 
Glenn Miller. These bands 
blow out the doors with a 
tough and uncompromising- 
ly contemporary sound. 


JAMES IMBROGNO. 


Brötzmann Chicago Tentet's Broken English (Okka Disk) and the Ter- 
ritory Вапа” Atlas (Okka Disk) push the format even further for- 
ward. Most jazz piano CDs are sedate affairs, but 28-year-old Jason 
Moran and 32-year-old Brad Mehldau point to jazz’ future. On 
their latest CDs, Modernistic (Blue Note) and Largo (Warner), both 
pianists experiment with different keyboards. 
There are magnificent new compilations from 
three masters of modernism—John Coltrane, 
Miles Davis and Bill Evans. Coltrane’s Legacy 
(Impulse) is a four-disc summary of the tenor 
great. The 20-CD Complete Miles Davis at Mon- 
treux (Legacy), much of it previously unre- 
leased, surveys Miles’ problematic electric era. 
Bill Evans’ Consecration (Milestone), an eight- 
disc set recorded live two weeks before his 
death, is the final word on jazz classicism. Jazz 
is dead? Long live jazz. КОРОО FROEHLICH 


m "шз, Мы, 


Above: Two of the world's best young jazz 
musicians play the piano. Jason Moran and 
Brad Mehldau don’t stick to jazz idioms— 
they'll play just about anything. Their mu- 
sic owes as much lo Radiohead and Afrika 
Bambaataa as it does to Marian McPartland 
and Oscar Peterson. Mehldau and Moran— 
cerebral and innovative—are setting the 
course for jazz in the 21st century. 


WHERE AND HOW TO NUY ON PAGE 140, 


155 


Merapevine 


Heather Hangs Out 

A Reef Girl in national Reef Brazil ads, HEATHER BRONFMAN 
is also a swimsuit and sportswear model and a 2004 Apollo 
One calendar girl. Here, she shed her top to get rid of those 
tacky tan lines. 


а 


Wowie Zowie 
Actress REBECCA GAYHEART broke loose when she got 
a big smooch from her fiancé, director BRETT RATNER, 
at the Red Dragon premiere. Gayheart's comedy Pipe 

Dream is about a guy posing as a director. With 
Ratner, she has the real deal. 


Our 

Liza Is 
Extremely 
Cute 
Panamanian 
model LIZA 
HERNANDEZ 
was a runner-up 
in the Hawaiian 
Tropic Interna- 
tional Pageant. 
Photographed 
for both the 
Hawaiian Tropic 
and Extreme 
Sports calen- 
dars, Liza is a 
156 knockout. 


) a 


JI 


Jacy 
Slips Into 
Something 
Comfort- 
able 

You know 
JACY 
ANDREWS 
from Playboy 
TV's Sexual 
Magic, 
Models 
Unlimited 
and Body 
and 

Soul. 


All 

That 
Glitters 
Is Gold 
Latin beauty 
SOFIA VER- 
GARA had two 
movies out 
last year, in- 
cluding Big 
Trouble with 
Tim Allen. 


Just Kidding Around 

Country babe ALLISON MOORER first hit the airwaves with A Soft 
Place to Fall from the Horse Whisperer soundtrack. So how did she go 
from her new CD, Miss Fortune, to a duet with KID ROCK? For that, 
you needed a ticket to Farm Aid, 


We Get 
Behind 
Aurianna 


Yol can seclAURI. 


LET THE GOOD 
TIMES ROLL 


The three-wheeled 
Trikke is one way 
to give your assa 
workout. Look 
what it did for our 
model. Just step 
aboard, shove off 
and rock and roll. 
The Trikke gains 
momentum if you 
carve from side to 
side as if you were 
skiing. Top speed? 
About 20 mph, says 
the manufacturer, 
Trikke Tech, which 


also claims you can = 
travel about three 

times walking к 
speed while 

exerting the چ‎ 
same energy. «Ө e S 
The price: Bug 
$299, from Q 
877-487- 

4553 or 

goto 4 

trikke.com. 


FULL MOON AND EMPTY STOMACH 


As a late-night alternative to standing by the freezer eating ice cream 
from a carton or serving your date a cold pepperoni pizza, try one of 
the 150 recipes in Midnight Snacks by Michael Rosen and Sharon Reiss. 
Soups, salads, ice cream creations and parmesan popcorn are offered, 
along with such cute concoctions as Welsh not-so-rarebit, wanton won- 
tons and gonzo garbanzos. (We'll take a pass on jeweled gruel and gar- 
lic balsamic dip.) Shoot the moon—a mixture of Clamato, vodka, cu- 
cumbers, horseradish and oysters—is a postmidnight pick-me-up that 

158 works for us. Price: $16.95. Broadway Books is the publisher. 


EXTREME CAFFEINE 


The sales meeting is going on two hours 
and you and the cofleepot are both run- 
ning on empty. Pop a couple of Café In- 
tense candies into your mouth and wham- 
mo! "No problem, J.B. I'll double my 
quota." Two Cafe Intenses give you the 
pickup ofa cup of coffee, says the manu- 
facturer, Health-Tech. Three flavors аге 
poured: cappuccino, café mocha and 
double espresso. The price: $1.89. 


YOU LOOK HOT 


Want to know how hot that woman down 
the beach is? Zap her with the Raytek 
Mini Temp MT4's laser beam and you 
have an instant surface temperature 
reading. Check out your boss before ask- 
ing for a raise or discover if that steak. 
you've been grilling is hot enough to eat. 
The handheld thermometer's backlit 
LCD registers from zero to 525° F. Napa 
Automotive stores sell the Mini Temp for 
$99, or go to raytek.com. 


THE SPY’S THE LIMIT 


No, that's not Don Adams’ telephone 

from the TV show Get Smart. And it 

wasn't featured in Spy Kids, 

Mission Impossible, Alias, The 

‚Agency or the never-ending 

James Bond film series, ei 

ther. It's the eavesdropping 

device Czech intelligence 

agents planted in the heel of 

our ambassador's shoes back 

in the Sixties. DK Publish- 

ing’s updated hardcover, Ultimate 

Spy, by spook maven Keith Melton, 

includes more sneaky gadgets such 

as a lipstick camera, plus sections on 

the Robert Philip Hanssen case and 

the latest CIAand FBI counterter- 

rorism tactics. Price: $30. ишү 
Transmitter 


THE DRESSED OF TIMES 


Style maven Alan Flusser is 
the man. His latest hardcov- 
ex, Dressing the Man (“master- 

rt of permanent 

is as comprehen- 
sive a guide to looking good 
as we've seen. Chapters are 
divided by clothing classifica- 
tions. There are hundreds of 
photos, illustrations and charts 
to help improve your dapper 
quotient. Who says you can't 
dress like Cary Grant? See 
page 67 to learn how. Hum 
phrey Bogart and Frank Si 
natra fashion tips are includ- 
ed, too. Price: $49.95. Harper 
Collins is the publisher. 


THIS BOTTLE BOOGIES 


Coyopa from Barbados is one 
partying rum. Every time you 
lift the bottle, a button acti- 
vates a backlight that illumi 
nates pictures of dancers on 
the label—all to the sound of 
steel drums. Sneak down for 
asnort in the middle of the 
night and the whole house 
will know. The rum is an 
ultrapremium dark aged 

in oak barrels for 10 years. 
Price: about $50 a bottle. R.L. 
Seale, the distiller, says the 
first 100,000 bottles will be 
hand-signed and numbered. 


WOW OF AN IDEA 


It may be the next best thing to owning a 
Warhol. A company named photowow.com will 
turn your favorite photos into framed art on 
canvas. Forty design styles are available, ran, 
ing from a four-panel pop look (pictured here) 
to collages, hand tints and superimpositions 
(your face on Gainsborough's Blue Boy, for ex- 
ample). Prices range from $100 to about $900 
for a 4'x5' image. Ozzy Osbourne even has a 
photowow.com canvas. We don't even want to 
guess what it might be. 


SMARTY UNDERPANTS 


The next time your girlfriend claims you never 
stop and ask for directions, drop trou. A com- 
pany named Silk Trails began by producing silk 
boxer shorts with ski trails printed on them 
Now it's moved on to Manhattan (the New 
York subway system is shown here) with other 
cities, golf courses and even hiking trails on the 
drawing board. How do you get to Carnegie 
Hall? Look down under. Price: about $30. Go 
to silktrails.com for retailer information 


Mexi Month 


160 


SALSA WITH THIS 


STARS OF LATIN TV—FORGET ABOUT MTV OR THE TRIO ON 
FRIENDS, THE HOTTEST PEPPERS ON TELEVISION ARE ON 
TELEMUNDO, THE SEXIEST STATION EVER. WE NABBED THE 
CHICAS FOR A CALIENTE PICTORIAL 


DIVORCE—DON'T BUY THE ROCK, CHUMP. CHANCES ARE 
YOU'LL NEED THE MONEY FOR A DIVORCE ATTORNEY—AND A 
LOT OF OTHER HIDDEN EXPENSES. WE HAVE THE HORROR 
STORIES—AND THE TRICKS TO PROTECT YOUR HEART AND 
BANK ACCOUNT. BY CRAIG VETTER 


IN A ROOM WITH MADNESS—FOR 23 DAYS LAST FALL THE 
AUTHOR EXPERIENCED FIRSTHAND THE DESPERATE LIFE AT 
THE SNIPER HUNT COMMAND CENTER. THIS IS THE STORY OF 
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. BY BRIAN KAREM 


ONLINE ANARCHY--INTERNET VIDEO GAMES PROMISE YOU 
GLOBAL ADVENTURE, BUT BEHIND SUCH POPULAR TITLES AS 
EVERQUEST, THERE'S A SUBCULTURE OF MURDER, ROBBERY, 
FRAUD AND GANGS—NCT TO MENTION THE “GRIEF PLAYERS" 
WHO LIVE TO FUCK YOU OVER. READ THIS BEFORE YOU LOG 
ON. BY LAZLOW 


YOUR 10,000-SQUARE-FOOT ROOM IS READY—ARE YOU 
PREPARED TO RISK AND RISK BIG? THEN WELCOME TO THE 
WORLD OF LAS VEGAS HIGH ROLLERS, WHERE YOU RUB EL- 
BOWS WITH PLAYERS, THE BUTLER SERVES GAVIAR AND 
YOUR SUITE'S TOILET SEAT IS HEATED. PLUS, HOW TO GET 
COMPED LIKE A RICH DUDE. BY SCOTT DICKENSHEETS 


MEET KATRINA 


COLIN FARRELL -THE MAN DRINKS YOU UNDER THE TABLE, 
SMOKES LIKE A CHIMNEY, CUSSES LIKE AN INMATE, EXTOLS 
CASUAL SEX AND MAKES YOUR GIRLFRIEND HORNY. DID WE 
MENTION THAT HE STARS IN THREE NEW MOVIES (DAREDEVIL, 
PHONE BOOTH AND THE RECRUIT)? HOLLYWOOD'S LATEST 
PHENOM—A 26-YEAR-OLD PUNK—TELLS ALL IN THE PLAYBOY 
INTERVIEW. BY STEPHEN REBELLO 


JULIETTE LEWIS—HOLLYWOOD'S ANTICELEBRITY ON TAT- 
TOOS, GOOD SEX AND STALKERS. 200 BY ROBERT CRANE 


GUY—HE IS A CONNOISSEUR OF WOMEN. ONE NIGHT HE 
DOWNS MUSHROOMS WITH A STRIPPER. WHEN SHE FREAKS 
OUT. HE DITCHES HER FOR A GIRL WHO READS GOETHE. FIC- 
TION BY SARAH ARELLANO 


URBANWEAR—YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BUST A RHYME (OR 
SNAG THE LADIES) LIKE REDMAN, GRAF, JOHNNY HAND- 
SOME AND SHORTY, BUT NOW YOU CAN DRESS LIKE THEM. 
FASHION STRAIGHT FROM THE STREETS 


NASCAR FAQ—DO YOU FEEL THE NEED FOR SPEED? WE DO. 
AN INSIDE LOOK AT THE COUNTRY'S QUICKEST-GROWING 
SPORT, FROM THE GREATEST DRIVERS TO THE TOUGHEST 
TRACKS. A WILD RIDE BY MICHAEL JORDAN 


PLUS: WE SPY EX-SPY KATRINA BARILLOVA; WHO SAID IT. 
GEORGE BUSH OR HOLLYWOOD (THE QUIZ)?; SEX ADVICE 
FROM CENTERFOLD MICHELLE ROGERS; AND MISS MARCH, 
PENNELOPE JIMENEZ