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A 


Chairman Gert Boyle 


Шісусі!! 


WHINE, WOMEN AND the down low. That's the short version of 
our annual Year in Music package. Last year, record companies 
bitched about deteriorating sales, musicians bitched about 
lousy contracts and consumers stole everything that wasn't en- 
crypted. Despite all the complaining, we heard some interest- 
ing sounds coming out of our speakers. Spin associate editor 
Dave Itzkoff got Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler to salute Hall of Famers 
Run-DMC. Alan tight, former editor of Spin and Vibe, writes 
that the garage surpassed the club as hangout, prepackaged 
pap flinched in the face of Avril Lavigne's snarl and Eminem 
strengthened his spot at the top. Slim Shady's success just 
demonstrates how resilient hip-hop remains—and nobody is 
more consistent than Jay-Z. Witness J-Hova's record—he has 
sold more than 16 million albums, including his recent smash, 
The Blueprint 2. In this month's Playboy Interview with Rob Tan- 
nenbaum, Jay-Z says, “I fire my accountant every year—every 
ume I pay taxes. My accountant says, ‘Be happy you're fortu- 
nate enough to cut this check.’ Oh yeah? Fuck you! You're 
fucking fired! Then 1 hire him back, because he's right.” 

Now, from bling-bling to schwing-a-ling-ling. You'll be hap- 
Py to see that we coaxed cover girl Carmen Electra into taking 
center stage for a head-banging pictorial shot by stephen Way- 
da. Carmen proves to be the consummate Fender bender. 
Everyone wants to be on the other end of the camera, and 
Chad Doering—from Playboy.com—had no trouble cajoling 
Nelly, DMX, Xzibit, Ja Rule and Jonathan Davis to photograph 
Playmates and others in the semiprivacy of our studio, For the 
results, see Rock Shots. (And for some shots of Hef helping Nel- 
ly and Justin Timberlake fine-tune their mojos, keep an eye 
out for Nelly's Work It video, shot at the Mansion.) Rock even 
spilled into our fiction, with Kid, Rock by Ethan Hauser (artwork 
by Janet Woolley). It's a sexy story about the post-Proustian no- 
tion that music determines how we remember things. 

Some things, of course, have different soundtracks. ‘Think 
gunfire, police sirens and screeching tires. Those are the 
sounds of a botched bank robbery. Read The Last Score, a first- 
hand account by Stephen Reid, and find out how one of the 
most successful careers in bank robbery history turned sour. 

When new in town, certain women will have a hard time 
meeting people. Not women who look like Amy Sohn and Anna 
. In Sex and Two Cities, we had Ату and Anna swap 
ts—while keeping their regional prejudices intact, Their 
gnment? То suss out the sexual idiosyncrasies of men in 
our two largest metropolitan areas. Did we mention that their 
photographs appear in this feature, too? 

When you list the stars of basketball or baseball, chances 
are your own name doesn't appear. However, there's a paral- 
lel sports universe where catfish noodling and lawn-mower 888 
racing may find a place for you in their halls of fame. Read Su- 
perstars of Weird Sports by Steven Cheon to get the skinny. 

How many times has Dr. Phil fucked up your weekend? 
Who knows why that self-empowering putz is so сопу 
to our otherwise sensible girlfriends? Beat Oprah's bitch 
own game—take The Dr. Phil S.A.T and you may once 
pass your date's entrance exam. For more fun, we had Robert 
Crane ask Andy Richter 20 Questions. Andy extols the virtue of 
defeating antiporn firewalls at work and explains why the 
world needs more wedgies. Also in this month's party mix is 
The Worm Has Turned, which will take you through the magical 
world of high-end mezcal. Say hello to Playmate Carmella 
DeCesare, whose hometown is host to rock and roll's Hall of 


DOERING AND DMX 


Davis 
со; 


E 


Fame. She's a treat for your eyes. Suc t 

DAVID SOHN CHEAN 
Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), April 2003, volume 50, number 4. Published monthly by Playboy in national and regional editions, Playboy, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 1 60611. Periodicals postage paid at Chicago, Illinois and at additional mailing oflices. Canada Post Cana- 


dian Publications Май Sales Product Agreement No. 40035534. Subscriptions: in the U.S., $29.97 for I? issues. Postmaster: Send address change to 
Playboy, PO. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. For subscription-related questions, e-mail circ@nyplayboy.com. Editorial: edit@playboy.com. 3 


BOTTLED AT THE DISTILLERY 


"Your friends at Jack Daniel's remind you to drink responsibly. 
JACK DANTEL'S and OLD NO. are repittered trademarks of Jack Danicl's. (3001. Please visit us at wwwyackdanieli.com. 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 50, no. 4—april 2003 


contents] contents] 


features 


132 


SEX AND TWO CITIES 

We sent two beautiful girls out to trade lives—and beds. Result: A New York broad 
puts the lay in LA while a Hollywood doll busts it on Broadway. And they tell all. 
BY ANNA DAVID AND AMY SOHN 


THE LAST SCORE 

Pulp fact: Stephen Reid snared millions in more than 100 bank robberies—stickups 
so precise his posse was known as the Stopwatch Gang. He reformed, wrote a best- 
seller and found true love. Then things went bad. This is his exclusive account of 
the smack addled robbery that cost him his freedom. BY STEPHEN REID 


THE YEAR IN MUSIC 

The garage became a hipster hangout, the Eminem show turned out to be a remake 
of Rocky—and our readers voted on it all. In the mix: Dave Grohl and other stars 
pick the year's highs and lows, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler says farewell to Run-DMC's 
Jam Master Jay and we select this year’s Britney. 


SUPERSTARS OF WEIRD SPORTS 

Too short to be like Mike? Think outside the Wheaties box. There's a Michael Jordan 
of cannoli eating, too. And a Tiger Woods of bare-handed catfish grabbing. Did we 
mention the Lance Armstrong of shil tossing? BY STEVEN CHEAN 


CENTERFOLDS ON SEX: STEPHANIE HEINRICH 
When it comes to giving head, Stephanie says it's all about hydration. More 
water, miss? 


HOPE 1 GO DEAF BEFORE 1 GET OLD 
PLAYBOY'S speaker tesi—il's a deaf jam when thrash rocker Andrew WK. takes some 
woofers for a walk 


20Q ANDY RICHTER 

The former Conan sidekick is now the star of a hilarious TV show. Here he gives 
tips for outflanking antiporn firewalls at work, explains why the world needs more 
wedgies and disavows Ihe Fred Flintstone diet. BY ROBERT CRANE 


THE DR. PHIL S.A.T. 
Chicks love Dr: Phil's faux sincerity. But it's time to give Oprah's bitch an intellectu- 
al heat-down. All it takes is this prep course. 


fiction 


KID, ROCK 

When we're teens, we make mix tapes for girls. When we outgrow that phase, they're 
lefi to buy movie soundtracks. But we still have our records—and they'll always be 
the soundtracks of our lives. BY ETHAN HAUSER 


interview 


59 


JAY-Z 

Jay-Z outsells everyone but Eminem. Hard-knock life? Not exactly. These days his 
clothing company has sales in the hundreds of millions and he plays high-stakes 
poker with Will Smith. In a no-bull Playboy Interview, Jay-Z reveals how far he's 
come from the Marcy Projects in Brooklyn. BY ROB TANNENBAUM 


cover sisry 


Cormen Electra has always strummed aur 
strings. Now, after she hit a power chord with 
her burlesque musical review, the Pussycat 
Dolls, we're cheering for an encore. So shaut 
Bama Loma as Stephen Woyda riffs on Car- 
men's rock-and-roll curves in our annual Year 


in Music issue. Our Rabbit wants some neck 


PLAYBOY 


vol. 50, no. 4—april 2003 


| contents continued | cont 


pictorials 


72 


94 


134 


ROCK SHOTS 

Whoa, Nelly! The celebrity feor 
factor was high when we handed 
our cameras to plalinum-selling 
artists and asked them to shoot for 
us. They all rose to the occasion. 
PLAYMATE: 

CARMELLA DECESARE 
Carmella makes Cleveland rock. 


CARMEN ELECTRA 
Carmen Electra's Fender gives us a 
Marshall stack 


notes and news 


49 


159 


HANGIN’ WITH НЕР 

Sean Penn, Jane Jackson, Май 
Damon and Kevin Space) party as 
only Hef knows how. 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 
Darpa is just Psy Ops 101, ATV 


safety is the new reefer madness. 


PLAYMATE NEWS 
Playmates and rock stars, Nikki 
Sixx’ favorite Playmate. 


departments | 


PLAYBILL 

DEAR PLAYBOY 

AFTER HOURS 

GAMES 

PLAYBOY TV 
PLAYBOY.COM 
MANTRACK 

THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR 
PARTY JOKES 


142 
163 
164 
166 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY 
ON THE SCENE 
GRAPEVINE 

POTPOURRI 


lifestyle 


130 


FASHION: SUITS YOU 
Get a pen. We've simplified 
your shopping list with a guide 
lo spring's swankest suits. 

BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


FASHION: SEVEN STEPS 
FOR A COOLER LOOK 
Black shoes are for undertak- 
ers. This season's high-steppers 
come in lighter colors, 

BY JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


THE WORM HAS TURNED 
Mast people know mezcal only 

as tequila's evil twin. Afler you 
slagger through our taste test, 
you'll be either enlightened or un- 
conscious. BY JAMES OLIVER CURY 


reviews 


32 


33 


36 


MOVIES 

Cameron Diaz' $10 million set of 
pipes, Jennifer Beals' collection of 
stolen scenes. 

VIDEO 

MILFs on film. 

MUSIC 

Turin Brakes, Thee Michelle Gun 
Elephant and Johnny Marr. 


BOOKS 
DeLillo, Gear Heads and David 
Konow's history of heavy metal. 


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of four (4) entres per phone number will be accepted. Calls and entry forms must be received between February 1 and Decembar 31, 2003. АП entries become the property of U.S. Smokeless Tobacco Brands 
Inc. CUSSTE"). No mechanically reproduced, Шері, unimtllgible, postage due, or incomplete entries will be accepted. Offer not avalisbia to minors. Offer expires December 31, 2003. 


There will ba ono (1) Grand Prize winner, спе hundred (100) 1st Prize winners, and one-thousand (1,000) 2nd Prize winners, to be selected In a random drawing ol all qualified names on or about January 
15, 2004 by an independent judging organization, whose decision is final. The Grand Prize winner shall receive a vacation package every year for the next five (5) years. The package shall include, for the 
grind prize winner and four (4) adult quests, the following: A vacation cabin (specife location Selected by USSTC) for іх (6) nights, round-trip domestic coach айтал, local transportation, meals, an adventure 
‘coordinator, participation in various outdoor activitise, and $5000 for the grand prize winner in year one (1) only. (Approximate Retail Value ARV" $40,500/1). The 1st Prize winners shall each receive а fve 
hundred dollar ($500) gift cartficate redsemebla for hunting, fishing, and/or outdoor gser from Cabets', the “World's Foremost Outfitter” (ARV $500). The 2nd Prize winners shall sech receive a chock good 
for twenty-fire dolisrs ($25) off their next 10-can purchase of Copenhagen“ brand moist snuff (ARV $25), Accommodations and airline rssarvations ars subject to avallbilty and change without notice. 
Airfare will be round-trip coach from major U.S. роп nearest winner's home location, and winner and guests must travel together. Taxes, tips and other axpanses nut specified herein are solely the 
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prize, or any portion theraol, with a prize or portion of equivalent value. 

Al entrants must ba legal residents of the U.S., 18 увага or older st the time of entry. Employees of USSTB, its parents and affilates, distributore, advertising or promotion agencies, fulfilment vendora, 
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PLAYBOY 


HUGH M. HEFNER 


editor-in-chief 


TCHMER editorial directors 


JAMES KAMINSKY, ARTHUR KRI 
STEVEN RUSSELL deputy editor 

ТОМ STAEBLER art director 
GARY COLE photography director 


w Í just 
0 J u ROBERT LOVE editor at large 


JOHN REZEK associate managing editor 


Cook (ike (до. STEPHEN RANDALL executive editor 


LEOPOLD FROEHLICH assistant managing editor 


EDITORIAL 

HRISTOPHER NAPOLITANO editor; FORUM: JAMES R- PETERSEN senior staff writer; CHIP 
ROWE associate editor; party LAMBERTI editorial assistant; MODERN LIVING: navi stevens editor; 
JASON BUHRMESTER associate editor; DAN HENLEY administrative assistant; STAFF: BARBARA NELLIS 


senior editor; ALISON PRATO associate editor; KOBERT в. DESALVO, TIM MORR, assistant edilors; HEATHER 
HAEBE. CAROL KUBALEK, MALINA LEE, OLGA STAVKOPOULOS editorial assistants; CARTOONS: MICHELLE 


Thanks оо ee 
? SHERMAN assislant editors; REMA SMITH senior researcher; GEORGE HODAK, BARI NASH, KRISTEN SWANN 
researchers; MARK DURAN research librarian; TIN GALVIN, JOAN MCLAUGHLIN pronfreaders; WRYAN 

BRAUER, BRADLEY LINCOLN assistants; CONTRIBUTING EDITORS: asa BABER. JOSEPH DE ACETIS 


| 
rum.com 


MORGENSTERN, DAVID RENSIN, DAVID SHEFE 


FEATURES: 


ART 
SCOTT ANDERSON, BRUCE HANSEN, CHET SUSKI, LEN WILLIS senior art directors; ROB WILSON associate 
art director; PAUL. CHAN senior art assistant; JOANNA METZGER art assistant; CORTEZ WELLS art 
IGE SELDEN senior art administrator 


services coordinator; Lori 


PHOTOGRAPHY 

MARILYN GRABOWSKI west coast editor; JIM LARSON managing editor; KEVIN KUSTER. STEPHANIE MORRIS 
senior editors; PATTY BEAUDETERANCES associate editor; k&NAY LARSON assistant editor; ARNY FREYTAG. 

STEPHEN Waya senior contributing photographers; GEORGE GEORGIOU staff photographer; 

RICHARD 1201, MIZUNO, BYRON NEWMAN, GEN NISHINO, POMPEO POSAR. DAVID RAMS contributing 
photographers; вил. ментте studio manager—los angeles; ELIZABETH GEORGIOU manager, 
photo library; KEVIN CRAIG manager, photo lab; meuıssa кил photo researcher; 
PENNY EKKERT. production coordinator 


ONEKAS publisher 


JAMES N. DI 


PRODUCTION 
MARIA MANDIS director; RITA JOHNSON manager; JODY JURGETO. CINDY PONTARELLI. DEBBIE TILLOL 
associate managers; JOE CANE lypeseller; BILL BENWAY, SIMMIE WILLIANS prepress; 
CHAR KROWCZYK assistant 


CIRCULATION 
LARRY A. DJERE newsstand sales director; PHYLLIS ROTUNNO subscription circulation director 


ADVERTISIN 
JEFF KIMMEL eastern advertising director; JOE HOFFER midwest sales manager; HELEN BIANCULL direct 
response manager; LISA NATALE marketing director: SUE 1GOE event marketing director; JULIA LIGHT 
marketing services director; DONNA TAVOSO creative services director; MARIE FIRNENO advertising 
business manager; KARA SARISKY advertising coordinator; NEW YORK: MICHAEL BELLINGHAM. 
VICTORIA HAMILTON. SUE JAFFE, JOHN LUMPKIN, RON STERN; CALIFORNIA: DENISE SCHIPPER, 
COREY SPIEGEL; CHICAGO: WADE BAXTER 


READER SERVICE 
NIKE OSTROWSKI correspondent 


ADMINISTRATIVE 
MARCIA TERRONES rights & permissions director 


PLAYBOY ENTERPRISES INTERNATIONAL, INC. 
CHRISTIE HEFNER chairman, chief executive officer 
JAMES E RADIKE senior vice president and general manager 


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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette 
Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide. 


Dear Playboy к 


MAMA MIA, TIA 

Mahalo to rıaysoy, Phillip Dixon and 
especially to the beautiful and talented 
Tia Carrere (January) for a truly breath- 
taking pictorial. 


Stephen Lee Roldan 
Aiea, Hawai 


To my mind, the January cover of Tía 
Carrere's face is far and away your finest. 
Russ Young 
Charleston, West Virginia 


You've done it again: first Kristy Swan- 
son and now Tia. For years they have 
been among my favorites, but neither 
would do any film nudity. р. лувоу is the 
only magazine left that shows movie 
stars in the nude and the only magazine 
that the stars trust enough to photograph 
them that way. 


Philip Long 
Clay Center, Kansas 


Unfortunately, the Tia pictorial stinks. 
There's just no other way to put it. No 
smiles? Little direct eye contact? She 


looks bored and completely uninterest- 


Islond babe. 


680 NORTH LAKE SHORE DRIVE 
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60611 
E-MAIL OEARPB@PLAYBOYCOM 


ed. I think you have done her a great 


di: 


ervice. 
Jon Merz 
Boston, Massachusetts 


SHRUB CLIPPED 
We have all known good old boys like 

George W. (W, January) who love sporis 
but werer't very good at them, who can't 
handle their booze, who owe their suc- 
cess to who they know—not what they 
know—and who are not above bending 
the rules to make a few extra bucks. 
These fellows have more BS than brains. 
We don't mind if they re president of the 
local chapter of the Clampers, but we 
sure as hell don't want them as president 
of the U.S. 

John Brennan 

Oakdale, California 


Ever since George W. Bush became 
president, it seems every issue of PLAYBOY 
has had at least one disparaging item on 
him or his presidency. Those potshots 
are probably more than you took at Bill 
linton during his entire eight years in 
office. Bush is a statesman of high moral 
stature, while Clinton is a 
philandering, irresponsible 
libertine modeled after the 
PLAYBOY ideal. 

Lily Lopez 
Dublin, California 

You misunderstand us. Don't 

you feel the love? 


OFFICE HANKY-PANKY 

Гуе subscribed to PLAYBOY 
on and off for most of my 
adult life and have never 
been compelled to write you 
until now. I have been mar- 
ried twice and have had my 
share of relationships over 
the years. Throughout, Гуе 
remained monogamous. 1 
have always found it posi- 
tive when the Playboy Ad 


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PLAYBOY 


16 


or condone cheating. 1 question the word- 
ing you use in your report on The Playboy 
Office Sex Survey (January). You say, “Sex 
between consenting adults is the prevail- 
ing code.” People who cheatand are mar- 
ried are consenting adults, but they've 
also given themselves permission to cheat. 
It may be normal human behavior, but 
your approach seems to condone it. 
Robert Fava 
Rancocas, New Jersey 
It doesn't matter whether we condone it or 
not, they're out there rutting like weasels. 


1 enjoyed a platonic relationship for 
several months with a nice, funny guy 
in my office. By coincidence, we got d 
vorced around the same time and sud- 
denly our glances settled on cach other. 
n't have the opportunity for any 
physical encounters at the office, but our 
knowing smiles at each other served to 
build sexual tension until we could do 
something about it during our lunch 
hour. That was in the spring of 1974. We 
did such a good job of keeping our love 
affair quiet that when we became en- 
gaged, the office staff couldn't believe it 
We were seldom seen together, even talk- 
ing at the copy machine. We married in 
1975 and are still partial to nooners. 

Callie Goedelman 
St. Augustine, Florida 


Grown-up sexy. 


FAMOUS RAMOS 

Many thanks to Rebecca Ramos and 
to PLAYBOY for starting out the new year 
right (The Ramos Fizz, January). When 1 
see a corporate bombshell 10 years my 
senior who says she loves “men who are 
cerebral, almost nerdy,” I get an urge 
to wear a pocket protector and carry a 
calculator. 


Michael Marino 
Santa Barbara, California 


Lam happy to see a Playmate who is 
older than Lam. She's extremely sexy 
and 35. I'm 24 and in my last year of col- 
lege. Here in South Carolina there are 
so many pretty and I have the oc- 
casional hookup, but nothing turns me 
on more than a woman who is profes- 
sional, sexy and experienced. 

Brian Messina 

Clemson, South Carolina 


I've just received the January issue 
and am casting my vote now for 
Rebecca as PMOY 2004. She's 
smart and knows what she want: 
and, with the exception of my wife, 
she has to be the sexiest woman 
on the planet. 

Bill Hubbard 
Woodbridge, Vi 


What's happened to the girl- 
next-door image Hef tries to con- 
vey to the world? Rebecca does 
not fit that description and she 
doesn’t belong on the Centerfold. 

Joe Henderson 
Mundelein, Illinois 


ОН, SHUT UP 
After reading Bill O'Reilly's ar- 
ticle in which he trashes the Big Thre 


network evening newscasts (The Death of 


Network News, January), one has to won- 
der what motivates his criticism. Before 
Fox News, O'Reilly had a history of work- 
ing for local and network news shows 
and not lasting long in any of them, By 
his own admission, he failed to convince 
his former bosses to accept his approach 
to news. His longest stint was on the 
newsmagazine Inside Edition, in which his 
idea of tabloid journalism seemed fit- 
ting. Now he works at Fox, home to 
tabloid king Rupert Murdoch. It’s clear 
O'Reilly is angry. While it is true that 
network news is in need of an overhaul, 
he's not qualified to offer advice on the 
matter. Being a mouthpiece for the right 
wing isn’t the same as being a journalist 
Andrew Gallagher 
Phoenix, Arizona 


O'Reilly is right: Network news an- 
chors are irrelevant. However, he's wrong 
about Rather, Jennings and Brokaw be- 
ing the best journalists in the world— 
they are merely good toastmasters. 

Pete Loechner 
Concord, California 


Lam perplexed as to why you would 
give O'Reilly a mention, let alone an en- 
tire article. This Limbaugh wannabe 
simply another person on the right who 
makes his living off name-calling and 
demagoguery. 


Danny Shuman 
Windsor, New York 


O'Reilly's article was one of the best 
pieces that Гуе read in your magazine. 1 


ОН with their heads. 


cannot watch those banal news shows— 
they're boring and they insult my intelli- 
gence. The conglomerates who control 
the flow of information peddle cheap 
junk to consumers and do soft news sto- 
ries so they won't oflend anyone. 

Michael Peters 

Red Bluff, California 


I don't necessarily disagree with O'Reil- 
ly's basic premise that the news divi: 
of the traditional broadcast networks are 


in decline. But you could not have possi- 
bly assigned a less credible reporter to 
this piece. It's like having Bobby Bow- 
den write about why Notre Dame isa 
horrible football team. 
Todd Spangler 
Brooklyn, New York 


It never fails to amaze me that this guy 
has any influence. He's in favor of killing 
objective reporting. 


John Connor 
Anchorage, Alaska 


How is it that O'Reilly didn't mention 
the overwhelmingly liberal slant of net- 
work news? That's why I can't watch 
those guys. 

Peter Zane 

San Francisco, California 


SOUR BERRY 
Your January interview of Halle Ber- 
ry was quite revealing. She rationalizes, 
makes excuses, will not comment. She 
seems to feel she has been a victim for 
most of her life and, at times, still is. 
What kind of m is accused of stuffing 
a ballot box for prom queen or leaves the 
scene of an accident? 
John Paul Stoshak 
Lafayette, Louisiana 


І expect tougher questions in a Playboy 
Interview—by Lawrence Grobel or any- 
one else. Ве wers sounded like 
carcfully coached and crafted PR. 

William Stout 
Pasadena, California 


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A GUY'S GUIDE TO WHAT'S HIP AND WHAT'S HAPPENING 


DAVE ATTELL: SURVIVAL TIPS 
FOR DRUNKS 


Dave Attell has accumulated a wealth 
of knowledge from his nights of carous- 
ing on his Comedy Central show, Insom- 
тас, and some of it's even useful. On his 
new CD, Skanks for the Memories, Attell of- 
fers a tankard of polluted wisdom for 
managing your nightlife. “Here's a drink- 
ing tip,” he says. “Never get drunk when 
you're wearing a hooded sweatshirt, be- 
cause you will eventually think there 
someone right behind you.” He also rec- 
ommends pretrip sobriety. “Here's a 
travel tip—never pack when you're 
high. You get there, you open your bag, 
nothing matches. For the whole trip, all 
you have to wear is a Hawaiian shirt, an 
oven mitt and a Lava lamp. And the rest 
of the bag is filled with cookie dough and 
Hot Wheels trucks.” No advice about par- 
tying would be set without a cautionary 
tale. “We went to play miniature golf on 
acid —puu-puu on acid. What a mistake. 
For three days I thought I was the king 
of that little town. 1 was like, ‘Hello, putt 
putt people. You in the windmill, let me 
use your bathroom. Come on, you Dutch 
prick, let me іп!" And like all good drug 
stories, it always ends with, ‘Officer, these 
cuffs are hurting me." Which brings us 
to а cop tip—never let them see your 
putter. Unless they ask 


PUTTING THE FUN BACK 
IN FUNDAMENTALIST 


Who ever said that the religious right 
doesn't know how to have a good time? 


ТАКЕ МЕТО | 
YOUR READERS 


І may look like a drunk- 
en frat-party brawl 
crossed with a Godzilla 
movie, but don't be 
fooled. Kaiju Big Battel, 
a Boston craze recently 
gone national, is no less 
than an intergalactic 
war for the soul of the 
universe. It’s also the 
thinking man's answer 
to pro wrestling. Mon- 
sters—thrill seekers in 
croppy foam-rubber cos- 
tumes—slug away and 
spray goop at each oth- 
er while stomping card- 
board cities. During a 
match inside a steel 
cage at the Roxy in 
Manhattan, the evil Dr. 
Cube and his posse 
fought ferociously with 
the monster Heroes. 
Catch Kaiju with your 
thinking man’s woman 
and set your stinger on 
stun. Thank us later. 


Amazon.com's page for Pat Robertson's 
new book, Six Steps to Spiritual Revival, 
showed an odd list of customer recom- 
mendations for supplementary reading 
For a brief shining moment pranksters 


PALE BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL 


held sway and at the bottom of the page 
directed readers to an alternative list of 
sacred tomes such as A Hand in the Bush: 
The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting, The Ulti- 
mate Guide to Fellatio and Anal Pleasure 
and Health. And so you don't get the im- 
pression that Robertson's foes are single 
minded, they also recommended The New 
Goat Handbook: Housing, Care, Feeding, 
Sickness and Breeding. Praise the Lord. 


PLANET STALINGRAD 


A specter is haunting Eastern Europe: 
Communist kitsch. Although the Berlin 
Wall came tumbling down 14 years ago, 


the Soviet red stars, agitprop posters of 


happy workers and long breadlines are 
making an ironfisted comeback. This 
time, however, they've been relegated to 
museum spaces and theme restaurants. 
Tourists of the world are uniting at the 
new Museum of Communism in Prague, 
where relics of the past—statues of Stalin 


20 


Tired of dirty sex but still want the 
same rewards апа accolades? Try 
the Sponge Vibe from Toys in Babe- 
land. It's equipped with a vibra- 
tor that will power you 
inta every nook 
and cranny. To 
enhance the en- 
suing fireworks 
and blowing of 
. . noisemakers, 
finish your per- 
formance with 
a large hand- 
ful of confet- 


bath. Ah, the 
sweet squeak 
of success 


and Marx, a re-creation of an inter- 

rogation office and a poem ex- 
tolling the virtues of the tractor—are on 
display. The text-heavy museum takes 
visitors through Communism's int 
duction in Czechoslovakia in 1948 to its 
demise 41 ycars later in the Velvet Revo- 
lution. Moving eastward, Statue Park on 
the outskirts of Budapest offers a опе- 
stop look at many of the monolithic Sovi- 
et-era sculptures that once graced the 
Hungarian capital. A 12-foot granite Le- 
nin greets visitors at the gate. Inside, 
oversize, barrel-chested laborers chis- 
eled from stone still stand proudly un- 
der a Soviet flag. Thankfully, post-Com- 
munist fare doesn't require the iron 
stomachs of the past. At Marxim's Pizze- 
ria in Budapest, booths are surrounded 
by barbed wire. The large pizza selection 
includes Gordi-Gorbi, Gulag pizza and 
Preelection Promises (which contains 
two different kinds of cheese, ham and 
“anything you want.") But where's the 
Prague Spring Roll? 


SCOUTS’ HONOR 


And we thought you were supposed to 
rub two sticks together. For the first 
time, the host nation of the quadrennial 
World Scout Jamboree distributed con- 
doms on request to the estimated 30,000 
teenagers on hand. ‘The country was 


‘Thailand, and this bold gesture may re- 
flect the pragmatic attitude of one of 
Asia's most sexually open societies. Then 
again, maybe condoms are simply ap- 

propriate when you get that many 
"young males together just 90 minutes 
from a city named Bangkok. 


THE HARD TRUTH 
ABOUT ANIMAL RIGHTS 


According to a recent article in Envi- 
ronmental Conservation, Viagra may prove 
to offer an additional benefit beyond 
providing Bob Dole with consistent 
hard-ons: The little blue pills might also 
be saving the asses of sea horses and 
geckos. Selected body parts of these and 
many other creatures have long been 
coveted by the Chinese for use in tradi- 
tional impotence remedies. But now that 
a boner is just a prescription away, the 
critters are being spared in unprece- 
dented numbers. Annual sales of Alas- 
kan reindeer antlers dropped 72 per- 
cent in 1998, the year Viagra hit the 
market. Meanwhile, the trade in hooded 
and harp seal penises fell from 40,000 in 
1996 to just 20,000 two years later. It's a 
statistic as pleasing to environmentalists 
as it probably is for seals. 


FAKE TITS SAVE LIVES! 


The second best part of the story was 
that a Brazilian woman who was shot in 
the chest during a gun battle in Rio de 
Janeiro was saved from mortal injury by 
her silicone breast implants (they pre- 
vented the bullet from reaching any vital 
organs). The best part: The cosmetic 
surgeon brought in to repair the wound 


took the opportunity to increase her mea- 
surements with extra silicone while he 
was atit. An ounce of prevention, as they 


say, looks great on the beach. 


THE TIP SHEET 
Hysterical realism: Coined by literary 
critic James Wood, it's the 


new catchphrase to de- 
scribe books once called 


"When you've 

wiped out ona 

10-foot wave, 

your bikini top. 

is going to get 

ripped off. It's 

jusi going to 

happen. So 

much so that, by 

the end, I was 

like, Everybody's seen my body. 
I'm over it. It's not that big a 
deal,'"—Kate Bosworth 


metafiction. They're characterized by 
complex plots that hinge on a string of 
improbable coincidences, oversmart char- 
acters in comical situations and lengthy, 
indulgent gee-whizzery and how-to ses- 
sions. And they're all really fucking long. 
Major practitioners are Don DeLillo, |оп- 
athan Franzen, Thomas Pynchon, Sal- 
man Rushdie, Zadie Smith and David Fos- 
ter Wallace. 

ATM-itations: ‘These bogus ATM re- 
ceipts show an impressive bank balance 
of $314,159.26 and are marketed on the 
Net as a way for men to casually give 


FURTHER PROOF OF FREDDIE MERCURY’S GENIUS 


The brains behind the British launch of the controversial PlayStation 2 game 
BMX XXX decided to re-create the cover art of Queen's 1978 hit Bicycle Race/ 
Fat Bottomed Girls. So they organized this gathering of 17 amply bottamed— 
and chested—babes on BMX bikes at the Crystal Palace athletics track in Lon- 
don. That's the whole idea—you either get it or you don’t. We'll admit that we 
get it, but not nearly as much as we'd like. 


QUART OF DARKNESS 


It tastes like vodko. It looks like 
sludge. Thanks to a tannin-rich 
plant called catechu, your martini 
just became a Joseph 

+; Conrad novella. Pro- 
nounced “kak-too,” the 

herb doesn't affect the 

taste of Blavod black 

vodka, but it makes 

girls think you are dark 

and deep. That's what 


we're using it for, 


anyway. D 


women the impression that they are 
filthy rich. You're supposed to ma 
sure she happens to see one, which s 
you from actually lying out loud. The 


balance, by the way, is the same sequence 
of numbers as pi 

My Heart Will Go On: The Celine Dion 
song plays between anti-Saddam mes- 
sages broadcast into Iraq over the 
U.S. military's psyops Infor- 
mation Radio. Anything to 
shorten the conflict 

Bare crossing: The recently 
opened Naked Bridge was 
built to connect separate 
sections of the clothing-op- 
tional Desert Shadows Inn 
and Resort in Palm Springs. 
It's the first and only nudist 
footbridge in America. 

Bin Ladens: The name giv- 

by Venezuelans to ex- 

traordinarily powerful and 
popular firecrackers lit at 
celebrations and political 
protests. They're the size of 
D batteries and outblast 
such renowned supercrack- 
ers as the tumbaranchos (hut 
destroyer) and matasuegras 
(mother-in-law killer) 


FROZEN NUTS: 
BURNING MAN'S 
COLD-ASS BROTHER 


During the last days of summer in the 
Nevada desert, there's Burning Man. At 
Summit Lake, Alaska, there's Arctic 
Man, which will convene this April for 


"I'm mo 
proud of my 
upper body. 

Let's just say 
I'ma typical 
female in 
that way 

—Erika 
Christensen 


the 18th consecutive year. It's a be 

guzzling, hot tub-and-bonfire, snowmo- 
biling nutfest that culminates in perhaps 
the most extreme ski race imaginable. 
The insane event attracts 13,000 
Alaskans and extreme down- 
hillers from around the 
world. Skiers start their de- 
scent at 5800 feet, then zip 
a third ofa mile to the bot- 
tom of a canyon, where 
they meet up with a snow- 
mobile already fast in 
flight. Using a towrope, the 
snowmobiler pulls the rac- 
er two miles uphill at about 
80 miles per hour. The ski- 
er then lets go and shoots 
down the side of a second 
mountain, dropping 1200 

feet to the finish. All the ex 
citement has been known 
to drive a lady or two to 
flash—but don't expect too 

” much of that. Tempera 
tures drop to zero at night 


DESPAIR AND THE 
ART ОҒ 
FACIAL HAIR 


Some men are practically born beard- 
ed—they cast five o'clock shadows by re- 
cess. Others have glacial hair—their 
beards grow slowly, unpredictably and 
sometimes not at all. Years ago such men 


WHY GIRLS SAY YES—REASON #15 


Because | got wet. “My friend Matt had a party at his parents’ house while they were away. He cracked open a case of 
champagne and called his pals. By midnight, the party was in full swing. My best friend paired up with o cute blond guy 
in the Jacuzzi. The pool was packed and there were people dancing in their underweor. | was wearing a white sundress 
with a white thong underneath. Matt offered me a drink, grabbed a fresh bottle and popped the cork. Bam! Champogne 
shot out like a hose and | was drenched. | looked down to see my nipples totally on display. Matt smiled sheepishly. We 
went inside to find a towel, and he helped me out of my dress. Something about the dampness sliding across my skin 
turned me on, and we kissed. That dress stayed off the rest of the night and until the morning.”—J.W., Tompa 


22 


SIGNIFICA, INSIGNIFICA, STATS AND FACTS 


QUOTE 
“You kiss an ac- 
tor and you don't 
know what they're 
going to smell like. 
But you kiss a girl, 
she's going to smell 
good. And she's 
very soft. They are 
soft and they smell 
nice. Guys don't." 
— JULIANNE 
MOORE 


TESTY FANS 

In a Harris poll, 
the percentage of 
Americans who feel 
that major league 
baseball players 
should be tested 
for steroids: 70. In 
a Gallup poll соп- 
ducted the same 
month, percentage [EEES 
of fans who feel the 
samc: 86. 


CHECKS AND BALANCES 
Number of Americans who haye 
tax refunds waiting for them because 
the IRS hasn't been able to deliver 
their checks, usually because of incor- 
rect addresses: 96,000. Amount of 
money gathering dust at the IRS: $80 


million. 


LAND OF THE TURTLENECKS 
Percentage of males throughout 
the world who are circumcised: 20. 
Percentage of males in the U.S. who 
are circumcised: 60. 


BUILT FOR SPEED 

According to Harbour and Associ- 
ates, average number of hours re- 
quired to build a vehicle at Nissan, 
the car manufacturer with the fastest 
U.S. assembly lines: 18. Number re- 
quired to build a Honda, the compa- 
ny with the second-fastest U.S. assem- 
bly lines: 20. Number of hours 
required by GM, sixth-fastest: 26. By 
Ford, the seventh-fastest: 27. 


ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH PITS 
According to the Body Odor in the 
Workplace Survey, percentage of hu- 
man resources managers who have 
spoken to an employee about his or 
her unpleasant body odor: 31. 


FACT OF THE MONTH 
In 1966 the budget for Star 
Trek was $100,000 per epi- 
Today, an episode of 
Star Trek: Enterprise 


million to produce 


MATH WHIZ 
Number of hours 
it took a supercom- 
puter under the di- 
rection of a Tokyo 
professor to calcu- 
late the value of 
pi to 1.24 trillion 
places: 400. Num- 
ber of years it took 
to design the pro- 
gram for the com- 
puter to use in its 
calculation: 5. 


ALUMINUM CAN'TS 

According to a 
Container Recy- 
cling Institute re- 
port, the number 
of Boeing 737 jets 
that could have 
been built with the 
759,625 tons of alu- 
minum from cans 
Americans didn't 
recycle in 2001: 
33,764. 


costs $5 


СОИСН-РОТАТО SKIN 
In a study by the Center for Media 
and Public Affairs, average number 
‚of scenes with sexual content in the 
50 top-grossing Hollywood films of 
2000: 7. Average number of scenes 
with sexual content—per hour—on 


broadcast and cable television: 12. 


WICCAN BELIEVE THAT 
Percentage of Americans who be- 
lieved in witches 10 years ago: 14. 
Percentage who believe in them to- 
day: 26. 


ASSEMBLAGE 

Approximate number of people 
who show up each year on the second 
Saturday in July at the Mugs Away 
tavern in Laguna Niguel, California, 
Just 40 yards from the railroad tracks, 
to spend the whole day mooning Am- 
trak trains: 3000. 


CELL DAMAGE 

In 2001, number of highway acci- 
dents in California in which thc driv- 
er who caused the crash was on a cell 
phone at the time: 4699. Number of 
deaths that resulted from these auto- 

mobile accidents: 31. 
---ВЕТТҮ SCHAAL 


would remain clean-shaven, hiding their 
inadequacy. But today, those deter- 
mined to sport face fur seek soul patch 
asylum on the Beard Board (beard 
board.cjb.net). Jeff Falberg, the site's 
founder and self-proclaimed Goatee 
King, preaches patience to the peach- 
fuzz fraternity. He warns of the pitfalls of 
using Rogaine to fill in bald patches on 
the cheeks, or taking testosterone to in- 
duce facial hair growth. Instead, Falberg 
tries positive reinforcement. Wannabe 
beard growers post pictures to show 
their progress in a kind of time-lapse 
photography. “Looks great,” Falberg of- 
ten replies. “Keep it up.” The thing is, 
after eavesdropping electronically on 
guys who dig Vandykes, you realize that 
while beards are manly, talking about 
them isn't. Members trade tips on how to 
shape beards with the precision of topi- 
ary gardeners. And Falberg admits there 
are some who just can't grow a beard. “At 
some point they get so frustrated that 
they post angry messages about how 
their lack of facial hair is evidence that 
they are just higher on the evolutionary 
ladder." Nothing wrong with that—it 
makes it easier to look up their skirts. 


SPARE US THE DETAILS 


The covers of magazines are supposed 
to make us pick up the magazine. But 
some make us want to pick up and run. 
Ev се last summer, Details ha 
ed bewildering tag lines—on its covers 
and inside—that read like the lad-mag 
formula gone very bad. Here's a sam- 
pling from the last six issues of 2002: 

Ballsy Bathing Suits 


URRYING FAVOR WITH 
BAREBACK RIDERS 


TURN UP THE HEAT 


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24 


[1 


VEGAN LIP BALM 
mm. SOL e 


How to Tell Your Girlfriend You're 
Сау 

Making Нет а Virgin Again 

Who Cares If He's Gay? 

Switching Teams (“You should share 
everything with your girlfriend. Except 
the same sexual preference”) 

Are Your Breasts Bigger Than Hers? 

The Man Bag (“Mighin't it be time for 
guys to revisit the pocketbook?") 

Ace in the Hole ("You're naked оп a 
metal table with a five-foot snake up 
your innards”) 

The Ultimate Prison Workout 

Straight Guys Who Get Rich Making 
Gay Porn 

Fag Stags (“Some straight men are 
finding that gay guys make great best 
friends”). 


BUDDING COMEDIAN 


The best thing about Dave Chap- 
pelle’s new show on Comedy Central, 
aptly tided Chappelle’s Show, is the man- 
on-the-street segment, “Ask a Black 
Dude.” In it Chappelle, who co-starred 
in Undercover Brother and the stoner clas- 
sic Half Baked, helps average white guys 
find answers to burning social questions 
without fear of being torched—things 
like, “Why do black guys roll up one 
pant leg?" or “Why do blacks say ax in- 
stead of ask?” In the same spirit of in- 
quiry, we asked Chappelle who he'd 
nominate as the first black president: 
“Eddie Murphy. Га be VP and we'd run 
on the pussy platform. That's something 
every American can get behind.” Now 
that you've heard the man, you can cast 
your vote of sorts by tuning in to his 
show. Change has to start somewhere. 


PORN STARS WHO DON'T POKE 


Have you ever watched a skin flick 
and said to yourself, 1 could be that guy? 
Not the pizza delivery boy with the large 
pepperoni, but his boss stuck back at the 
store. Actor Dave Lerman is living that 
dream. As Sid Reno, he has appeared in 
more than 200 pornos—like Hiney's He- 
roes, Alli McFeel and Anal Fever—all with 
his pants on. “It’s great money,” says 
Lerman. After a chance meeting with 
Ron Jeremy, Lerman entered porn's in- 
ner cirde. He slagged the acting, and di- 
rector Jim Enright challenged him to do 
better. “I could act, memorize my lines 
and I behaved,” Lerman says. “There's 
not much sex off-camera. The girls 
moan, groan and fake the big O, then it's 


"I'll be in the tanning bed’ or "Where's 
lunch?'" The break room is stocked with 
Krispy Kremes, chicken teriyaki, lube, 
enemas and douches—but asparagus is 
banned. "It makes your emission taste 
funny," he explains And yes, Lerman's 
work has put him in position to date 
porn starlets. "Onscreen, they're slot 
machines," he ys. "In real life, the 
three-date rule still applies. Of course, 
once you break through that threshold, 
you'll be going down on her in a dance 
club. But porn relationships have the 
shelf life of a croissant." Still, Lerman 
isn't complaining. “Being a nonsex porn 
star sort of elevates your status in the 
general dating pool. And watching my 
movies is the best foreplay!” 


BABE OF THE MONTH 


We'll stand in line to have ROSA BLASI check our 


тт 


blood pressure anytime. Hell, we'll wait in line far 


a high colonic. As Dr. Luisa "Lu" Delgado, Blasi 


has helped propel ratings for Lifetime's num- 


ber one drama, Strong Medi 


ine, Or so we're 


told. Rosa caught our attention with a few 


tantalizing appearances on Becker and Palit- 


ically Incorrect. After surfing the Net, we un- 


cavered о whale subculture of men who watch 


Lifetime because they love Rosa but are too 


embarrassed to admit it in public. Spineless 


dogs, we think they’re called. It helps, 


of course, that there are lots of glam- 


our shots of the full-figured actress 


anline (OK, she has great boobs). 
She also gives good quote: “I am 
not interested in a man that is 
putty in my hands.” And “I don't 
want to have all of the control. 
When he hands me his scrotum 
and says, ‘Here, take my balls 
and put them in your purse,’ it is 
not sexy.” (Duly noted.) But 
what is sexy is what Rasa can 
do an her hands and knees— 
she is a master grauter. “Like 


a freak, | created and laid 


each piece of mosaic tile in 


more than 250 square feet in 

my first hame,” she says. 71 

have the cuts and scars ta 
prove it, There is no hand 


modeling in my future!” 


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PREVIEWS 


The Matrix: Reloaded: This long-awaited 
first of two sequels to 1999's mind-bend- 
ingly cool sci-fi blockbuster should be 
the movie of the summer. Ihe buzz: The 
Matrix-heads will have plenty to chew 
over until the release of this winter's fi- 
nale, The Matrix: Revolutions. Again the plot 
involves good old Neo (Keanu Reeves), 
now armed with superhero powers, who 
has only 72 hours to save Trinity (a 
never-sexier Carrie-Anne Moss) from a 
scary fate prophesied in a dream. Other 
good omens? Laurence Fishburne and 
Hugo Weaving are back in fine form 
as Morpheus and Agent Smith. We are 
promised such innovations as trippier 
flying sequences, more cryptic mythol 
ogy and dreadlocked assassins. Best of 
all are the absurdly luscious Monica Bel- 
lucci as temptress Persephone, Jada Pin- 
Кеп Smith as Morpheus’ girlfriend Niobe 
and Nona Gaye (daughter of Marvin 
Gaye) as Zee, the role meant for singer 
Aaliyah. One question remains: the blue 
pill or the red pill? 

X-Men 2; With all our favorite comic- 
book freaks and mutants back in force- 
Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Halle Ber- 
ry as Storm, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos as 
Mystique, Anna Paquin as Rogue, lan 
McKellen as Magneto, James Marsden 
as Cyclops—what's not to love about this 
sequel 10 the 2000 smash that delivered 
kick-ass action but didn’t stint on emo- 
tion? This time the band unites to track 
down a mutant assassin who's tried to off 
the president, and the Mutant Academy 
is attacked by military marauders. It’s 
touted as darker, nastier and more ac- 


Moss, Kim, Fishburne, Bellucci, Reeves—Reload 


tion-packed than X-Men. And if that isn't 
enough to grab you, Kelly Hu plays La- 
dy Deathstrike, a mutant with human 
sympathies and a special connection to 
Wolverine: 

Bruce Almighty: Jim Carrey gets back to 
funny business—and not a second too 
soon—as a guy punished with godli 
powers for 24 hours. Running heaven 
and earth is no picnic, but Jennifer Anis 
ton plays Carrey's girlfriend, so how bad 
can it be? Morgan Freeman stars as God, 
which sounds about right 

Open Range: If Moulin Rouge and Chica- 
go can resuscitate the musical, maybe di- 
rector and star Kevin Costner will finally 
blow the dust off the Western with this 
tale of a retired gunslinger forced back 
into action when a crooked lawman at- 
tacks him and his cattle crew. Annette 
Bening and Robert Duvall saddle up 


VOCAL HEROES 


lie 


alongside Costner 
Think Dances With 
Wolves, not Wyatt 
Earp. 

—STEPHEN REBFLLO 


REVIEWS 


BY LEONARD 
MALTIN 


The Hunted is onc 
of the first bright 
spots on the movie 
horizon this year, 
an action thriller 
that's genuinely ex- 
citing. Benicio Del 
Toro plays an Amer- 
ican soldier who 
carries out a pc 
cal assassination in 
Kosovo in 1999 but can't erase the night- 
marish images from his mind. Back home 
in Oregon, he becomes a predator who 
ambushes hunters in the woods. In des- 
peration, the FBI turns to the man who 
trained Del Toro, Tommy Lee Jones, but 
he wants to track and capture the killer 
on his own terms. All of the promise in 
this intriguing script is realized by direc- 
tor William Friedkin, who hasn't made 
hearts pump this hard since his unfor- 
gettable street chase in The French Con- 
nection three decades ago. 

David Cronenberg, another seasoned 
director, has always had a loyal follow- 
ing, but Spider might test even his most 
staunch fans. Ralph Fiennes plays a dam- 
aged man whose source of misery is a 
horrible upbringing by an abusive father 
and a submissive mother. This bleak, 


Cameron Diaz hadn't yet made There's Something About Mary 
when she was signed to do the voice of the princess in Shrek. 
In the years it took to complete production on the animat- 
ed film, several things happened: Chris Farley, the original 
voice of Shrek, died, Mike Myers was hired and Diaz became 
a star. For Shrek 2, Myers, Diaz and Eddie Murphy are 

reportedly being paid 
$10 million each, about 
half of what they would 
make to star in a live- 
action film. But it isn't 
too shabby for a series 


of recording sessions 
thar require no memori- 
zation, no makeup, no 
wardrobe and no travel. 

This kind of payday 
for cartoon voices is 
unprecedented, though 


the playing field has 
changed dramatically 
in the past few years. 
Diaz: Golden voice. 


A decade ago Robin Williams was the voice of the genie in 
Aladdin for chump change and the kick of working in a Dis- 
пеу cartoon feature. Neither he nor the studio anticipated 
whata hitthe film would be—or how many grown-ups would 
go sce it just to hear his performance. The studio's unwill- 
ingness to bump up his paycheck caused a brief rift (and 
forced them to hire someone else to do the genie's voice for 
their first direct-to-video sequel), but eventually they kissed 
and made up. In other words, Disney opened up the bank 

The studios aren't always smart about animated films—or 
their voice artists. Warner Bros. had so little faith in The Iron 
Giant that it didn’t even occur to them to have Jennifer Anis- 
ton and Harry Connick Jr. do interviews to promote the 

(Turns out they were right—it was a bomb.) Twenti- 

century Fox either didn't or couldn't take advantage of 

the star power involved with Titan A.E.—or perhaps the stu- 

dio noticed how bored Matt Damon and Drew Barrymore 
sounded in the film. 

Good voices can't save a bad cartoon from oblivion, but 
the folks behind Shrek believe that star power pays off at the 
box office. That's why they're adding $40 million to their 
budget for the sequel, though no one will ever see the faces 
of its stars on-screen—not even the lovely Diaz. —LM. 


“A spectacular sex fantasy thriller.” 


“(De Palma’s) sexiest, 
most suspenseful thriller 
since Body Double.” 7 ‘ay 


- Dave Itzkoff, SPIN MAGAZINE » 


“An exotic, sexy thrill ride. 
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos 
is simply stunning!" 


- Bill Bregoll, WESTWOOD ONE RADIO 


AN 


3Wicked Peeks Behind the Scenes: 
From Dream to Reality 
Dream Within a Dream 
Femme Fatale: Behind the Scenes 


Femme Fatale: Dressed to Kill Montage 


Own It on DVD and Video March 25, 2003 


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30 


heavy-handed and obvious character 
study comes alive whenever Miranda 
Richardson is on-screen, as both his moth- 
erand heralter ego. Fiennes is good, too, 
but it's difficult to muster much enthusi- 
asm for any of these characters. Spider 
is a stiff. 

Anyone who trie: 


to pigeonhole Fran- 


ces McDormand is asking for trouble 
She has embodied all sorts of characters, 
from the you-betcha sheriff in Fargo to 
the overprotective mother in Almost 


Conyon's Beckinsole 


Famous. Now she plays a sexy, 
swinging, free-spirited music 
producer in Laurel Canyon. She's 
an enormous embarrassment 
to her grown son (Christian 
Bale), a recent medical school 
graduate who's about to marry 
prim Kate Beckinsale. Circum 
stance dictates that the young 
couple live with his mom, ex- 
posing Beckinsale to a lifestyle 
unlike any she's known. Mean- 
while, Bale finds himself at- 
tracted to a beautiful colleague 
(Natascha McElhone). This is 
a lively, entertaining film that 
resembles writer and director 
Lisa Cholodenko's last movie, 
High Art. 

Javier Bardem, who carned 
a Best Actor Oscar nomination 
as Cuban writer Reinaldo Are- 
nas in Before Night Falls, gives another 
fine performance in John Malkovich's 
feature-film directing debut, The Dancer 
Upstairs. This political thriller, set in an 
unnamed Latin American country, casts 
Bardem as a straight-arrow policeman 
who's caught between government cor- 
ruption and well-organized terrorist 
groups. Though the film moves like mo- 
lasses, my bigger problem is believing 
that Bardem's character is as naive as he 
is at the condusion of this drama. 


SCENE STEALER 


hird weekend 
you know 


to work rhum For 
t Whitake 
a part of 
“Complicated 
Dog lover. I 
bein the 
Т like to 
‘Jennifer 
on't need or 


whom 


SCORE CARD 


capsule close-ups of current films 
by leonard maltin 


Bend It Like Beckham This British crowd- 
pleaser about a girl from a traditional 
Indian family who dreams of being 
a football star is ideal for people 
who found My Big Fat Greek Wedding 
too subtle. 
Chicago Catherine Zeta-Jones is so daz- 
zling—and so talented a musical per- 
former—that she alone is worth the 
price of admission. ww 
City of God Director Fernando Mei- 
relles grabs you and doesn't let go 
in this incredibly visceral and violent 
portrait of life in the slums of Brazil. 
Here is a genuinely great movie, the 
first of 2003. www 
The Dancer Upstairs Javier Bardem stars 
in John Malkovich's directorial de- 
but, a hard-edged political thriller set 
inal American country beset by 
corruption and terrorism. If only it 
didn’t move so slowly. vy 
Deliver Us From Eva Àn amusing come- 
dy about a woman (Gabrielle Union) 
who dominates her three sisters, in- 
spiring their men to hire LL Cool J to 
distract her, then dump her. YY/z 
The Guru Here's an oddity: a feel-good 
movie with a porn-movie subplot. Ji- 
mi Mistry plays an Indian man who 
comes to America secking fame and 
fortune; instead, he finds himself 
caught between closeted porn star 
Heather Graham and spoiled rich 
girl Marisa Tomei. An innocuous 
mishmash with two beautiful leading 
ladies. Wh 
The Hunted In this thriller, Tommy Lee 
Jones is the only one who can capture 
Benicio Del Toro, the killing machine 
he helped train. Wy 
Laurel Canyon Frances McDormand 
plays a sexy music producer who 
embarrasses her son (Christian Bale) 
but intrigues her future daughter-in- 
law, a sheltered Kate Beckinsale. ¥¥¥ 
The Recruit Al Pacino is a CIA veteran 
who enlists Colin Farrell and then 
puts him through a grueling indoc- 
trination. This spy thriller is gen- 
uinely exciting, though the ending is 
far from perfect. Wh 
Spider Ralph Fiennes is a mess, thanks 
to a miserable childhood that 5! 
haunts him. Miranda Richardson 
plays his mom and her alter ego in 
this dreary psychological thriller from 
David Cronenberg. Y 
Till Human Voices Wake Us Guy Pearce 
and Helena Bonham Carter star in 
this metaphysical I love story, but Met 
performances are t к than t 
somewhat obvious scr 


Discover Smirnoff Responsibly. 


Just as John Sayles’ films cover many top- 
ics and unspool іп a number of styles, his. 
favorite movies are tough to nail down. 
Not that he doesn't favor certain directors. 
“Тһе Kurosawa movies that are оп DVD | 
watch quite often, especially /kiru and 
some of the later works. Having a really 
good-looking movie on DVD, there's noth- 
ing like it,“ says the writer and director of 
Lone Star, Sunshine State and the upcom- 
ing Casa de los Babys. “| also watch a lot 
of early Italian cinema—films by De Sica, 
Rossellini and Ermanno Olmi (director of 
The Tree of Wooden Clogs). And I'm inter- 
ested in the movies from the early Seven- 
ties that brought over the European sensi- 
bility. The early movies of Scorsese and 
Coppola proved you can stretch the pos- 
sibilities of what can be done in Ameri- 
can cinema.” —AURENGE LERMAN 


YUMMY MOMMIES 


They're known as MILFs—Moms Га 
Like to Fuck—and this month's video re- 
lease of Fight Mile features a perfect ex- 
ample. Kim Basinger as Eminem's moth- 
er? Dude, your mom is dope. 

Judas Kiss (199! ‘arla Gugino is best 
known these days as the mother in Spy 
Kids (2001), but in this noir twister she 
hangs on a hook in a meat locker while 
getting lip-serviced by Simon Baker, The 
result? “I can't even look at a steak now 
without getting wet.” Mama's cooking! 

The Ring (2002): Young mom Naomi 
Watts just wants to save her son from a 
supernatural home video; all we want is 
to make a home video with her. See also 
Watts’ unforgettable girl-on-girl scene in 
Mulholland Drive (2001). 

Witness (1985): Even widowed Ami: 
mothers need love and affection, so Kel- 
ly McCillis is determined to give it up 
(along with electricity and automobiles). 

Boogie Nights (1997): Julianne Moore's 
porn star, Amber Waves, loses her son in 
a custody battle but becomes a surrogate 
mother to Rollergirl (Heather Graham), 
setting up an intriguing waterbed fanta- 
sy. Rolling and waving, waving and roll- 


32 ing—yes indeed. 


Lolita (1997): Melanie Griffith's eagerly 
accommodating Charlotte Haze—moth- 
er to the most famous nymphet in the 
world—is only a slight improvement 
over the 1962 original, blowsy Shelley 
Winters. But we wouldn't take 1997's 
daughter, Dominique Swain, over 1962's 
Sue Lyon for anything. 

Dressed to Kill (1980): Every teenage 
boy should have a mother as fine and 
randy as Angie Dickinson, who first 
takes a sensuous shower, has sex with 
her husband, talks sex with her psychia- 
trist and then gets picked up at a muse- 
um by a stranger for a postlunch tryst. 
Too bad about that elevator ride, though. 

Monster’s Ball (2001): Clearly the fat 
son was eating all the groceries. MILF 
Halle Berry is so utterly fine she makes 
even Billy Bob Thornton's racist prison 
guard rethink color lines. 

American Beauty (1999): Yeah, she was a 
bloodless, money-grabbing bitch but a 
perky looker, and you can't beat real es- 
tate agent Annette Bening's style when 
it comes to closing a deal. Best line: 
“Fuck me, your majesty.” —BUZZ MCCLAIN 


DISC ALERT 


Could Natalie Wood sing? Fans will 
find out when the new two-disc spe 
edition collector's set of the 1961 classic 
West Side Story (MGM, $40) hits shelves in 
April. Wood's singing parts in the mul- 
tiple-Oscar-winning hit were famous- 
ly dubbed by Marni Nixon, with tracks 
enhanced by Dolby 5.1 recording in this 
version. But among the disc's special fea- 


ACTION 


Red Dragon (Silence of the Lombs prequel asks caged Hop- 
kins to help fed Norton snag a psycho; middling man-eat- 
ing), Swept Away (shipwrecked Madonna turns willing slave in 
hubby Guy Ritchie's Wertmüller remake; perverse fun). 


Knockaround Guys (next-generation wiseguys Vin Diesel and 
Barry Pepper lose the boss’ half mil in Montana; a solid B), Be- 
low (U-boat-hunting WWII sub crew suspects unseen evil, 
while Lieutenant Bruce Greenwood tries to keep il real; о B+). 


э ЫСКЕ 


You may have seen Paz Vega іп Pedro 
Almodóvar's Talk to Her, but there she's 
mostly in a coma. You owe it to yourself 
to see her in Sex and Lucía, a volup- 
tuously sexy film from Julio Medem (Palm. 
Pictures). Vega plays Lucía, a young wait- 
ress in Madrid. 5 
Aftershelos- ®ъ O 
ener SOX E Іксіг 
friend, she re- 
treats to a ч 
Mediterranean 
island. The 
fresh air, sun, 
glistening sea, 
а new man— 
you get the 
picture. The 
sex is remark- 
ably candid 
and curiously 
intelligent, 
—JOHN REZEK 


tures is Natalie's resurrected warbling— 
for better or worse. There's really no 
knocking Wood's sex goddess creden- 
tials. And while her accidental drowning 
in 1981 at the age of 43 made her the 
sick-joke punch line of the year, at least it 
spared her the indignity of aging in Hol- 
lywood. She enjoys mythic status, unsul- 
lied by years of lousy TV movies and 
dumb infomercials. How bad can her / 
Feel Pretty be? GREGORY P FAGAN 


ART HOUSE 


Secretary (lawyer James Spader and timid assistant Maggie 
Gyllenhaal stumble into S&M; oddly warm and fuzzy), Alias 
Betty (loony French grandmom kidnaps a replacement tyke 
when her daughter's boy dies; fine thriller by Claude Miller). 


‘COMEDY 


Punch-Drunk Love (Boogie Nights director Paul Thomas Ander- 
son makes Adam Sandler sympathetic—pure surprise), Wel- 
come to Collinwood (remake of bungled-caper classic Big 
Deal on Madonna Street gets by on goofball charm). 


Auto Focus (director Paul Schrader explores Sixties sitcom star 
Bob Crane's naughty side; often inspired), Porn Star: The Leg- 
end of Ron Jeremy (Ihe schlub-cum-schiong-slinging star gets 
his money shot; often inspiring). 


TURIN BRAKES second album, Ether Song 
(Astralwerks), is dark but full of laid-back 
songs. The Brakes’ harmonies, the gui- 
tar interplay, the bits of keyboard and 
the rhythms appeal 
to those people who 
wouldn't ordinarily 
give singer-song- 
writers the time of 
day — TIM MOHR 


Influenced by 
Pink Floyd, Ra- 
diohead and Led 
Zeppelin, Cave 
In pumps out 


fast tracks 


rid and Yusuke Chiba's vocals need no 
translation. — LEOPOLD FROEHLICH 


Two new CDs show that a rock band 
doesn't need a singer to get its point 
across. Bad Seed Warren Ellis’ plaintive 
violin leads the Dirty Three's She Has No 
Strings Apollo (Touch and Go). Unabash- 
edly emotional, Apollo avoids two of in- 
strumental rock's pitfalls: coldness and 
tedium. One song on Kinski's Айз Above 
Your Station (Sub Pop) includes vocals, but 
they're spoken, not sung, and low in the 
mix. Kinski's music is dynamic—at times 
quietly ominous and at others loud and 
overwhelming. —ANAHEED ALANI 


MADE OUR DAY DEPARTMENT: We hear 
Clint Eastwood took іп an Other Ones (the 
гаа Dead) concert last winter. 
Percussionist Mickey Hart's wife is on 
the California State Parks Commission 
with him. REELING AND ROCKING: Snoop 
Dogg plays Huggy Bear in the movie 
version of Starsky and Hutch, starring 
Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. . . . British 
director Stephen Frears is making a 
comedy about an Elvis conspiracy. 
Missy Elliot, Tweet, Ginuwine and the 

1.0.x. make cameo appearances іп Jes- 
sica Alba's movie Honey, co-starring Lil’ 
Romeo and Mekhi Phifer. NEWSBREAKS: De- 
troit will be home to the new Motown 


progressive rock rife with 
melodies and guitar theatrics 
on its major-label debut, An- 
tenna (RCA). Keep Cave In 
on your radar.—ALISON PRATO 


You Are Free (Matador) by 
Cat Power marks Chan Mar- 
shall's return to original material after a 
CD of covers. And man, can she write. 
Mostof the songs are delivered in sparse 
т settings, with occasional strings or 
distant piano tinkles adding the only 
color to her dark tunes. It's beautifully 
downtrodden. —TM 


Radiohead cites Laika as an influence. 
Now Too Pure has issued a Laika retro- 
spective, Lost in Space Volume One (1993- 
2002), to bring the duo's career into fo- 
cus. It's mellow electronica that has an 
organic feel—in part because they treat 
electronic devices as instruments and 
record the old-fashioned way instead of 
stringing samples on а sequencer. —1.м. 


Thee Michelle Gun Elephant is big in 
Japan. Its latest CD, Rodeo Tandem Beat 
‘specter (Alive) ative as the next 
rock recidivist, but the band rocks like 
Johnny Thunders. The guitars are tor- 


is der 


Center, on the site of its former head- 
quarters. The interactive museum will 
include exhibits, dining and entertain- 
ment. . . . Pink Floyd's Roger Waters dı 
buted the overture from his opera in 
London. . . . Shaggy wrote a book and 
made a CD for Scholastic's Hip Kid 
Hop series. . . . The Napster auction 
was called “collectibles of the future” 
and included Shawn Fanning's laptop, 
T-shirts and file servers, but, sad to say, 
no music. . . . Get your tickets now 
Metallica and Iron Meiden have an- 
nounced appearances at the summer 
Roskilde Festival in Denmark. 

— BARBARA NELLIS 


Rob Jungklas' Arkadelphia 
(Madjack) is as creepy as a 
midnight ride down High- 
way 61. The music is stark, 
with Delta slide guitar and 
black-cat moans. Jungklas" 
disquieting songs are pro- 
fanc and poctic, haunted by 
ghosts and damnation. —LF 


Like someone with a bad personality, 
bad funk is always seeking to impress. 
Good funk groups, such as Mickey and 
the Soul Generation, know better. Their 
new collection, Iron Leg (Cali-Tex/Quan- 


Buhrmester 


num), remasters the entire Soul Genera- 
tion catalog and includes a CD of rare 
live performances. AA 


On CKY's résumé: accompanying ball- 
crushing stunts on Jackass and opening 
act for Guns n' Roses’ doomed tour. Infil- 
trate-Destroy-Rebuild (Island) shows why 
Axl handpicked them for ап antiestab- 
lishment metal assault. АР 


Since disbanding the Jam and the 
Style Council, Paul Weller has produced 
a string of underappreciated solo al- 
bums. Mlumination 
(Yep Roc) is blue- 
eyed British soul at 
its best. —]JASON 

BUHRMESTER 


Alex Cortiz con- 
tinues a fine Euro 
concept: the post- 
club CD. Make Be- 
lieve (Swirl) is sul- 
try late-night R&B 
with a powerful bass line. 
Perfect for turning down the lights.—t.r 


Punk badasses Unwritten Law swap 
metal for mellow on Mi High Places 
(Lava), recorded at Yellowstone National 
Park. The 11 songs are stripped down, 


but they still rock. —ar 
Marching to its own beat: The Roots’ 
innovative, self-assured CD Phrenology 


(MCA) transcends hip-hop, It’s not black 
or white—its an eyebrow-raising lesson 
in diversity. АР 


Don't look for any of the Smiths’ 
schoolboy charm on johnny Marr and 
the Healers’ Boomslang (iMusic). The gui- 
tar hero has ditched the bookworm im. 
age of his former group and embraced 
black leather, Stooges records and a stint 
as vocalist. He nods to Oasis (Down on 
the Corner) and Stereophonics (Another 
Day) while developing something heav- 
ier than the Smiths’ How Soon Is Now? 
ever hinted at. —IB 


Froehlich 


2 


3 


33 


34 


Tames 


TRENT REZNOR 
QTA 


HI finds Nine Inch Nails’ 


front man and Id Software's John 
Carmack paired up to create what 
could be the most anticipated vid- 
eo game in history. Just don't hold 
your breath—according to Id Soft- 
ware, the game's official release date 


nm 


is “when it’s done.” We tracked down 
Reznor to ask, "Are we there yet?" 

PLAYBOY: How is work on Doom 
Ш going? 

REZNOR: It’s difficult. Albums and 
movies move from point A to point 
B. Video games are harder because 
the player changes the pace. We end 
up spending many hours testing 
how the music sounds in each of the 
environments. 

PLAYBOY: What do you think about 
the game so far? 

REZNOR: Doom Ш is so complex 
and different. lt has a narrative, 
which has never been much ofa con- 
sideration or strength for Id. John 
wanted to slow down the pace and 


increase the immersion. I was en- 
thused that it wasn't all action and 
explosions like some Schwarzeneg- 
ger movie. It's creepy and filled with 
tension and dread. 

PLAYBOY: What games have you 
played lately? 

REZNOR: I really like Ghost Recon 
and the other online console stuff. 
And Metroid Prime stole a week of 
my life. — JASON BUHRMESTER 


> MUST PLAY 


Planerside (PC). From what we've seen of military life, a sci-fi army is much 
more our speed. We signed on for PlanetSide, a multiplayer online game from 
the people behind EverQuest. Like its predecessor, PlanetSide is playable 
24 hours a day. To 
get in the trench, 
you'll enlist as а 
soldier and align 
with one of three 
warring empires. 
Soldiers can band 
with allies, work- 
ing together in 
roles such as snip- 
er, driver, scout 
and pilot. When 
your posse is in 
place, go ahead 
and battle for con- 
trol of entire con- 
tinents, deploying 
thousands of play- 
ers. If you survive 
through all this 
action, you'll advance in rank and earn access to new weapons and implants to 
customize your soldier. Got fragged anyway? Just reenlist as a new character. 
Only this time, sign up with a winning team, grunt —M.s 


Auto Modellista (PlayStation 2). Race cars 
from Toyota, Mitsubishi, Subaru and oth- 
ers across cityscapes, countrysides and 
dirt tracks. Dust the competition and 
you'll earn upgrades such as suspension, 
tires and turbine kits. 
Don't be fooled by 
the colorful cartoon 
cars—opponents are 
aggressive and tough. 
It's our new favorite 
racing game—espe- 
cially in the online 
multiplayer mode. 
Too bad a car-sick- 
ness bag isn’t included.—marc SALTZMAN 


guessed there would be plenty of Star 
Wars video games to choose from this 
year. But fans are salivating over the se- 
ries’ first-ever role-playing game. Players 
create a character, choose a path (a good 
or evil one) and accompany a 
party of humans, aliens and 
droids across 10 huge worlds 
in the midst of a war between 
the Jedi and the Sith. All the 
action takes place approxi- 
mately 4000 years before the 
nts of Episode 1, which is 
just enough space to prevent 
Jar Jar Binks from violating 
our restraining order. —Ms 


NBA Street Vol. 2 (PlayStation 2, Xbox and 
GameCube). Without referees to hide 
behind, NBA legends Dr. J and Wilt 
the Stilt are exposed to the full wrath 
of your elbow throws and body 
checks. Unleash 
special moves to 
burn 145 NBA 
stars, 25 all-time 
greats and six 
street legends on 
street courts rang- 
ing from Rucker 
Park to the Cage 
Alley-oop off Larry 
Bird's head and 
keep the wash talk 
flowing. Just watch 
out for Sprewell— 
he's got a temper. 
—SCOTT STEINBERG 


Tron 2.0 (PC). As in the original film, the 
action in Tron 
2.0 takes place 
inside a com- 
puter, where 
you'll take on 
the role of a 
“user” who's 
been digital- 
ized and now 
must battle 
security programs and hos 
while hoping not to be reformatted. Use 
light cycles, guided missiles, throwi 
discs and other cool gear to conquer 
your hard drive. Maybe you'll get lucky 
and run across the porn that you just 
downloaded. ENID BURNS 


Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox 
and PC). Any half-assed Jedi could have 


ridicule, sending Skid Row and similar 
bands to the land of Behind the Music. 
Given some distance from the genre's 
demise, it's refreshing to read Bang Your 
Head: The Rise and Fall of Heavy Metal 
(Random House), David Konow's un- 
sarcastic history of heavy metal. Ko- 
now tackles the acceptable (Metallica, 
Guns n' Roses, Slayer) and the absurd 
(Ratt, Twisted Sister, Cinderella) with 
the same enthusiasm. Surrounded by 
hairspray, spandex and a stilleto-clad 
Tawny Kitaen, Konow delivers ап in- 
sightful and straightforward retrospec- - 
tive of metal —makeup and all —JASON BUHRMESTER 


Тот Callahan's In Search 
of Tiger (Crown) is one 
sportswriter's attempt 
to geta grip on what 
makes Tiger Woods 
swing. Under the aegis 
of Golf Digest, the au- 
thor spent seven years 
watching the champ 
stroke a swath across 
the world’s greenest 
links, interviewing him, 
his parents, his coach- 
es and caddies and 


such PGA Tour heavy- $|N SEARC 
Joseph Heller's Catch-22 rests comfortably on the list of 


weights as Jack Nick- 

laus and David Duval. 

Callahan even snuck O Е A G ER most important books of the 20th century. Unlike many of its 
past Vietnam govern- Ш 9 1 ИА companions, it actually is read. The novel changed the lan- 
ment censors to track guage with the notion that “they have a right to do anything 
Colonel Tiger Phong, we can't stop them from doing.” Embraced by the Sixties 
Earl Woods' wartime pal for whom his son was named. antiwar movement, these sentiments are still relevant. Hel- 
The book is a kalcidoscopic view of the golf scene with ler was one of the bright 
Tiger at its hub, written with appropriate sarcasm and a young stars of that time, 
remarkable knowledge of the game. And if Callahan's Y along with J.P. Donleavy, 
search doesn't quite break through to his subject's heav- Ken Kesey, Kurt Vonne- 
ily guarded heart, it catches occasional moments when gut and Thomas Pynchon. 


Tiger drops his smile. DICK LOCHTE C AT G H AS "ihe stories and essay col: 

lected in Catch As Catch 

Can (Simon and Schuster) 
Depictions of men and women masturbating adorn ancient show the evolution of the 
Greek pottery. But no one talked about sexual self-gratifica- writer. There are some 
tion until a short book titled Onania (referring to a biblical u gems, including acou- 
story about a man named Onan, whom God killed after he ple of missing chapters 
“spilled his seed on the ground”) hit London in 1712. In Soli- from Catch-22 that first 
tary Sex (Zone), Thomas Laqueur traces masturbation theories appeared een 
from the time when people thought it and a wonderful essay 

caused hunchbacks through the age of on Hollywood. 


А Journey 


Through Golf 


Tiger Жөнін 


the Internet, when it creates credit- ка 
card debt. Who would have thought . 

reading about whacking off could be so кы s 
enlightening? —PATTY LAMBERTI f Den Nel ily made Lis 


ма Teputation with such 
(| heavy tomes as Un- 

IF you played Rock'em Sock'em Robots ШР. (стеу. Vensomeioh 
as a kid and now watch Battlebols, you'll e а Jones 
dig езг Heods (Sichon arid Schuster), This Street, for example—are short and sweet. At 224 
niche book chronicles the “turbulent rise — P2865. his latest novel Ё to the latter category. Cosmopolis 
of robotic sports,” in which thousandon  (бсгірпег) delincates a day in April 2000 when 28-year-old 
cif іс Packer. a world-weary billion- 
military-grade weap- aire, travels crosstown to get a 
ons duke it out. Au- haircut. On the way, he listless- 
thor Brad Stone, who became interest- ly pursues romance or satori 
ed in brawling robots after watching a in the back ofhis white stretch 
San Francisco Battlebots competition in limo. But the yen moves against 
2001, talks with robot engineers about his wishes, and Packer's perfect 
designing and fighting these ferocious world is debased. As he rides 
machines. Although Newsweek corre- west, Helios-like, from dawn on 
spondent Stone has covered stories as the East River to night on the 
diverse as Napster and Timothy Мє- Hudson, Packer is forced back 
Veigh, the robots are more fun to watch into his past. In classic DeLillo 
than read about. — ALISON PRATO fashion, Cosmopolis is funny and 
profound at the same time, an 
amazing, precise portrait of a COSMOPOLIS 
It became acceptable to mock heavy metal with Beavis and time and place. Could it have 
Butt-head and Wayne's World. After that, hardly a devil-horn been only three years ago? DON OELILLO 

36 salute or head-bang existed without an inherent sense of —LEOPOLD FROEHLICH a 


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тлауооулім 


i 


THE TOP FIVE MOMENTS IN 
PLAYBOY VIDEO 


Your car won't be around in 20 y 
will your television? Stereo? Gi 
Playboy Home Video 
kicked out its first vid- 
eo in 1982 and is go- 
ing strong—it's pro- 
duced more than 300 
original DVDs and 
videos. Here are five 
scenes we can't get out 
of our heads. 

(1) Farrah does a 
Picasso. Everybody's 
favorite Let- 
terman guest 
reinvents 
herself as a 
paintbrush 
Title: Farrah 
Faucelt: АП of 
Me. Release 
date: 1997. 
Running 
time: 7] min- 
utes. Where 
you should 
pause: 42:03. 

(2) Dian 
Parkinson: The cliff is right. Few wom- 
en could get you heated up about an ar- 
moire the way Dian Parkinson did on 
The Price Is Right. The veteran Barker's 
Beauty “comes on down” in heels for this 
high-altitude shoot. Title: Playboy Celebri- 
ty Centerfold Dian Parkinson: The Price Is 


Right Sensation. Release date: 1993. Run- 
minutes. Where you should 


ause: 2:36. 
(3) Reagan daughter Patti gets ready 
to rumble. 


Before the nation became obsessed with 
the drinking habits of Jenna and Bar- 


tti Davis challenged par- 
ents Ronald and Nancy Reagan's right- 


"When 
Christi Shake 


and I hif each other with 


the pillows in Playmates 


in Bed, the feathers that flew out were a lot smaller 
than we anticipated. The models and crew were 
choking on them. I was traumatized.” —serria Tawan 


wing sensibilities by boxing in the buff 
God bless America. Tide: Playboy Celebri- 
ty Centerfold Patti Davis: President Reagan's 
Renegade Daugh Release date: 1994 
Ruming tim 


0. 
gets phal- 
Most guys don't 
mind that the wrestler 
formerly known as Chy- 
na can take them down 
with the flick of a mani- 
cured fingernail. Here 
Joanie shows she can al 
зо tongue-lash a sword 
And we'll say it 
God bless Ameri 
tle: Playboy 
Joanie Laurer 
Nude: Wres- 
tling Super- 
star. Release 
date: 2001 
Running 
time: 50 min- 
utes. Where 
you should 
pause: 15:44 

(5) Сігі- 
on-girl y 
lore. 1f you 
have never been to a Mansion party, 
here's the deal: There's a six-to-one 
girl-to-guy ratio. Title: Playboy Mansion 
Parties Uncensored. Release date: 2001. 
Running time: 50 minutes. Where you 
should pause: 15:46 


MISES BEES: 


Wet But Never Wild 

C-List Party at the Maasion 

Real Couples: Sex Twice a Month if 
You're Lucky 

Net Wrists, Not Elbows 

Cleaning the Grotto 

Naughty Amateur Home Videos: 
The Leas Cop Is Oa 

Sex Coart: The Right to Remain ia a 
Castody Battle 

Playmates ia Labor 

Anna Nicele : The Fried 
Chicken Years 

Drew Carey's Naked Scavenger 
Munt 

Sex Under Bad Lighting 

Naked Hollywood: Nah, Forget It 

Adult Stars Before the Implants 

la the Bedroom With Fred Durst. 

Passed Out: Girls Gone Too Wild 

Mansien Parties: Settiog Up 

My Big, Fat, Misshapea Tits 

Ceaterfold Drunken Karaoke 


Jamie Ireland is a 
freelance writer in 
the areas of sex, 
fitness, romance, 
and travel. 


Advertisement 


| [POWER LUNCH - 


| The insic inside Peer on 


| Learning “Тһе Ropes’... 


his month I gor a letter from a 
reader in Texas, about a “little 
secret" that has made her love life with her 

husband absolutely explosive. (Those 
‘Texans know their stuff, let me tell vou.) 


Tina writes: 


Dear Jamie, 


Last month, my husband returned from 
a business trip in Europe and he was 
hotter than ever before. The power and 
energy that he suddenly had was 
even more than when we first started 
making love almost 10 years ago! Ir was 
incredible. He flat wore me out! And 
the best part of it all — he was having 
multiple orgasms. I know what you're 
thinking, men don't have multiples. 
That's what | thought too, but tr 
me, he was and his newfound pa 
and vigor was such an incredible turn-on 
to me also, that before we knew it we 
vere both basking in the glow of the 
best sex of our lives. 


t 
sion 


We'd tried tantric stuff in the past and 
the results were so-so. But this was 
something new and exciting, completely, 
out of the ordinary. After a few days, 
Vasked my husband what had created 
such a dramatic change in our lovemaking, 
and he told me he'd finally learned 

“the rope: 


On the last night of his business trip, my 
husband spent an evening dining our 

with a Swedish nutritionist and his wife of 
nearly 20 years, The couple was obviously 

still quite enamored with each oth 

so my husband asked their secret. The 
nutritionist told him their sex life was 
more passionate than ever. Then he pulled 


healthy sex 


by Jamie Ireland 


to my husl 
natural supplement that the nutritionist 
told my husband would teach him “the 
ropes” of good sex. 


My husband takes this supplement every 
day. The supply from the nut 
about to run out, and we d у 
want to know how we can find more. 
Do you know anything about “the 
ropes” and can you tell us how we can 
find it in the States? 


Sincerely, 
Tim С. 
Ft. Worth, Texas 


Te ou and the rest of our readers 
are in luck, because it just so happens 
1 do know about “the ropes," and the 
supplement your husband's Swedish 
friend likely shared. 


The physical contractions and fluid 
release during male orgasm can be 
multiplied and intensified by a product 
called Ogóplex Pure Extract™. Its a 
supplement that will most certainly trigger 
much longer and stronger orgasmic 
experiences in men. The best part, from 


| a woman’ perspective, is that the moti 
and experience a man can achieve with 
Ogöplex Pure Extract can help stimulate 
her own orgasms, bringing a whole new 
meaning to the term simultaneous climax! 


The term used by the Swedish nutritionist 
is actually fairly common slang throughout 
urope for the effect your husband 
experienced. The enhanced contractions 
nd heightened orgasmic release are 
often referred to as ropes because of the 
rope-like effect of release during climax. 
In other words, as some people have 
said, “іс just keeps coming and coming.” 


As for finding it in the states, I know 
of just one importer, Bóland Natural: 
Inc. If you are interested, you can 
contact them at 1-866-OGOPLEX 
or Ogoplex.com. Ogóplex tablets are 
pure flower seed extract and are safe to 
take. All the people Гус spoken with have 
said taking the on aily tablet has led 
to the roping effect Tina described in 
her letter. 


] you asked? 


fna ЕТ) 


Jamie Ireland 


Aren't you gl 


Individual results may vary. 


„layboy.com . 


THE BEST HOMEWORK EVER? 
SHOOTING COLLEGE GIRLS NUDE 


When we launched the Playboy.com college 
nude photography contest we weren't sure 
what to expect: black-and-white art school 
snapshots or sex-soaked 8-by-10s from the 
next Helmut Newton. The hundreds of entries 
we received included all styles, as well as a few 
surprises that mysteriously disappeared from 
the office (anyone willing to fess up?). Look at 
the five standouts pictured here, then go lo 
Playboy.com's On Campus section to see other 
entries and the winner. 


(1) Now that’s a Band-Aid. Photograph- 
er Lisa Pelletier, a sophomore at the 
Massachusetts College of Art in Boston, 
heard about our contest from her neigh- 
bors, a bunch of horny guys. “The ad 
was geared toward boys, but I was like, ‘I 
can do this,'” she 
says. “Thankfully, 
my friend Melissa 
was excited to pose. 
1 took the photos at 
my parents’ house 
Му mom was Һау- 
ing a party for my 
brother's football 
team, so there were 
a lot of people 
around. My neigh- 
bor was mowing his 
lawn, so he got to 
see everything we 
shot outside.” Why 
the drums? “I've 
been taking pro- 
motional pictures 
for rock bands,” 
she says. “We used 
my brother's drum kit, and I have to ad- 
mit, he was kind of upset.” 


(2) Model turned photog. Penny Drake 
appeared in the October 2002 Girls of the 
Big 12 issue, but for this project, the re- 
cent University of Texas grad got behind 
the camera. “I'm a photojournalist, so 
shooting is natural for me,” she says. 
“That's what I like to do. I've been mod- 
eling since 1 was 19, but models come 
and go. Photographers can work at any 
age. Johanna had never modeled, but 
she wasn't nervous. My husband was on 
the set, but I told her, ‘Don’t worry, he's 
not into boobies. 


(3) Most school spirit. Emily Stoll, a stu- 
dent at Ringling School of Art and De- 
sign in Florida, conjured up this image 
“The model is my best friend, Michelle,” 
she says. "She's modeled before, but she 
has never modeled nude. She trusts me, 
though. It wasn't your typical 18-year- 
old-boy-with-a-camera scenario. Michelle 
and 1 like to dress up in sexy outfits and 


40 goto goth dance clubs. S&M and fantasy 


come naturally to us. We thought it 
would be funny to write Big Tex above 
her butt. It's the name of a huge parade 
in Texas.” 


(4) The Why Didn't Chicks Look Like 
This When We Were in School? Award. 
-ntials for a flawless nude photo 


files Davis and a couple of 


Coronas,” says Art Institute of Colorado 
student and aspiring fashion photogra- 
pher Adam Diaz. “She kept her bottoms 
on because I wanted her to feel comfort- 
able and look sexy at the same time. 
In some of the photos she was over- 
looking the city, and while we were 
shooting, people were still working in 
the building next 
door. For them, 
working late defi- 
nitely paid off.” 


(5) Sleeping Beau- 
ty. "Shooting a girl 
naked is kind of 
overwhelming at 
first,” says Ryan 
Kelly, a student at 
New York's School 
of Visual Arts. 
Lucky for him, 
model Kelly Kole 
is comfortable in 
the buff—she ap 


peared on our December 2002 Grapevine 
page. “When I was a senior in high 
school, we were asked about our career 
goals for the next two years,” he says. 
“Mine were to be a photographer and 
shoot for Vogue and маувоу, This is 
crazy. I have to call my teachers and tell 
them to buy the issue.” 


PS ы ы ЫТ a u YE 
CYBER GIRL OF THE MONTH 


HEATHER MCQUAID. Birth date: March 13, 1974. In her 


own words. 


т law maintenance and loyal to my friends 


and family. These post few years, I've came into my own 
and learned ta embrace my flaws. I'm an entrepreneur, so 


wish me luck.” Career am! 


to open a furniture bou- 


tique. Most memorable modeling gig: “A week on South 
Padre Island. Н was a nonstop party that gave me time to 
get to know the crew and the other models.” Favorite TV 
shaws: Sex and the City, Frasier. In her CD player: Lauryn 
Hill. What makes a waman sexy? “Being at peace with 
herself.” Ideal romantic evening: “Snuggling under a 


blanket, with takeout and gaad wine.” 


Astroglide personal lubricant. 
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hey...il’s personal 


Quite Ihe Image 


You оге what you drive. The next time you visit а major city you con be 

somebody behind the wheel of o Lomborghini. It’s not the best choice 

for Bongkok, but it's right for o Los Vegas-to-Reno run. Hummers, 

Dodge Vipers, Bentleys, Porsches, Corvettes—Driven Image, with more 

thon 40 worldwide rental locations, offers them all at daily rotes ranging 

from $100 to $2500, depending on the market and the season. "We're 

the gold standard in luxury cor rentals,” soys Nick Poprovsky, the company’s vice president. Ac- 
cording to the company, all the vehicles have low mileage and are in showroom condition. If you 
don't want the hossle of picking up the cor ot the airport, it will be delivered to your hotel. The 
Ferrari keys ot the front desk should get your concierge's attention. 


Open-and-Shut Case 


Your carry-on is torn opor! by о 
ham-fisted security screener looking 
for God knows what. We've found o 
suitcose that mokes the ordeol 
easier. Allontic Luggoge’s Pro Cor- 
ry-All is compact enough to fit in o 
plone's overhead bin, уе! flips open 
in one zip to moke all comportments 
available for inspection. There's also a 
removoble suit divider and pockets go- 
lore (including one for wet bathing suits) 
Price: $180, in denier ballistic nylon that’s 
medium blue insteod of black. Deportment 
опа luggoge stores stock it 


| 


ыс 


MANTRACK _ 


“| Fort ROCKS 


Now that the lines af true believers hove dwindled 
ot Orlando's Hard Rock Vault, which apened late 
lost yecr, it's time you checked out the rock-and-roll 
memorobilia and interactive displays. The guitors 
olone are warth the trip. Pictured verti- 
cally is John Entwistle’s Lightning Bolt 


a bass, 
BEBE £3 :-. 
by Jimi 


Hendrix’ Gibson SG Type 2. We 
dan't have to tell you wha 
wore the tassled bustier 
bock in the Eighties. 
Ў (Madonna probably 
could still squeeze into it 
today.) Buddy Holly’s 
glosses, the black 
leother jacket and black 
boots Bruce Springsteen 
ware on the Barn to Run 
cover, and Elvis’ khoki uni- 
form from С! Blues are an 
disploy, too. All told, 
there are 1000 items, 
plus с stare and studia 
where yau can record 
your own CDs. Leave 
the kids at SeaWorld 


опа have а ball. 


Home on the Range 


Lamb loin stuffed with almonds, dotes, goat cheese 
and mint? Н sounds like you'd need а degree from ће 
Culinary Institute ond a Walf stove ta prepare. But the 
cooking time is less than half an hour. That's the secret 
of Matthew Kenney’s Big City Cooking, a Chronicle soft- 
cover with imaginative yet simple “recipes for a fast- 
paced world” specifically aimed ot busy urbonites. Ken- 
пеу, a New Yorker, owns five restaurants in the Big 
Apple, so he's had lots of practice. Price: $24.95. 


Clothesline: Dorian Missick 


Dorian Missick, who appeared іп Twa Weeks Nalice opposite 
Hugh Grant ond Sandra Bullock, says his dress style is “соһе- 
gicte street." “I don't thug out, but I'm not Wall Street, either. 
Russell Simmons and 
Puffy have clothes for 
this loak in the afford- 
oble ronge. I'd lave to 
awn Armani ond Ver- 
sace suits but con't 
swing them just yet. | 
weor the mare expen- 
sive Timberland boots 
thot come with a little 
bit of suede, but my 
big indulgence is Nike 
Air Force One sneak 
ers. I have 14 pairs in 
different calors. There's 
a place in Brooklyn— 
the Fulton Mall an Ful- 
tan опа Jay Streets— 
where | con get them 
оп sale for $45. | also 
де! my Kangol caps 
there. | have about о 
dozen af them.” 


The Perfect Time 


To snare bargain airline tickets: Midweek, after midnight, 
the time zone where the airline is headquartered. That's 
when seats that have been reserved but not bought revert 
to unsold status in most airlines’ reservations systems. If 
you miss a midnight deadline, call the reservation line іп а 
major city in an earlier time zone—not the 800 number- 
and you can sneak in under the wire. Shop for heavily dis- 
counted tickets midweek, which is prime time for fare wars. 
Prices tend to be higher on 

weekends. * To file your 

federal income tax return: 

Anytime before April 
15. The con- 
ventional 

wisdom is 

that you 

won't get 

audited if 

you file at the 
deadline or get 

an extension. 

Bunk, says Julian 
Block, a tax attor- 

ney and former IRS 
agent. The wheels 
Turn so slowly at the 
IRS that the audit train 
will still be at the stati 
even if your return arrives 
very late. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 142 


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cyber.playboy.com/join/0403 


Шіге Playboy Advisor 


А buddy and I are planning a trip to Eu- 
rope this summer and wonder if you 
could tell us the best places to meet wom- 
en. We've heard suggestions of Aarhus, 
Denmark (because of its Scandinavian 
blondes who speak English), the Greek 
Isles (where those same blondes travel to 
party) and the south of France —G.T, 
San Francisco, California 

When do we leave? The best places to тесі 
women in Europe are the places you meet 
them here—in bars, on beaches and walking 
around. Gene Openshaw, who has written 
several guidebooks with Rick Steves that are 
popular with college students, suggests these 
spots: (1) Lonely models get their ice-cream 
cones in Paris at Berthillon on the western 
tip of the He St. Louis, (2) The most intimate 
youth hostel is in Switzerland's Gimmelwald, 
where the thin alpine air makes everybody 
giddy. (3) Learn to sing Ich Liebe Dich in 
one of Munich's rowdy beer halls with packs 
of Japanese girls (you'll never get just one 
alone). (4) The Blue Marlin Bar and sur- 
rounding area in Vernazza, Cinque Terre, 
Haly, attracts mobs of young people. (5) The 
island of los has more singles bars per square 
mile than anywhere in Greece. You can also 
visit the Romance on the Road board at rick 
steves.com/graffiti/graffiti 112.html. One trav. 
eler there says he and a buddy did well in 
Dublin, Madrid and Amsterdam. 


Recently, the Advisor wrote that “the 
fear of being alone is not a reason to get 
married.” What are other reasons a guy 
shouldn't get hitched?—L.K., Los Ange- 
les, California 

If you ever find yourself thinking, Maybe 
things will get better after we're married, 
мер away from the edge. Marriage counselor 
Jeffry Larson reviewed social research from 
the past 65 years to develop a detailed ques- 
tionnaire that helps couples decide if they'll 
be happy. You'll find it in his book Should 
We Stay Together? Larson includes mar- 
riage myths (e.g., "you're my one and only" 
and “opposites attract”) and ways to tell if. 
getting hitched may not be the best idea, such 
as (1) Your fiancée asks relentlessly, “Are you 
sure that you love те?” (2) She says she’s OK 
with your interests but also says you spend 
too much time on them. (3) When you con- 
sider breaking up, your first thought is that 
youll miss the sex. (4) You are irritated by 
the idea of spending an entire day alone with 
her. (5) She's an addict. (6) She's a perfec- 
tionist. (7) You break up and reconcile re- 
peatedly. (8) You're depressed (you'll be a 
depressed married person). (9) You think mar- 
riage will make you a better man. 


Once you make the leap, what are some 
reasons a guy should stay married?— 
B.J., Omaha, Nebraska 


That's a tougher question. Many people 
slay together longer than they should. But 
Just as getting married won't make you hap- 
py. getting divorced may not either. One 
study of 1400 families found that 40 percent 
of the spouses who divorced found new part- 
ners but reported the same problems. Anoth- 
er study focused on 645 adults who said they 

vere unhappily married. Five years later, 
two thirds of those who stuck it out reported 
being content. Among those who divorced, 
only half said they were happy (a notable ex- 
ception was people who had been in violent 
or abusive relationships). So while 50 per- 
cent of marriages end in divorce, it could be 
said that 50 percent of divorces fail also. 


Lately it seems the Advisor just publish- 
es letters from readers with questions 
such as “Whats the best wine to serve 
with fish?" or “Do I need a subwoofer? 
Unless you can get off on a subwoofer, 
who cares? Only people who aren't get- 
ting laid care about cars, wine and sub- 
woofers. Let's hear about a technique for 
blowing my man, or a new position!— 
C.P, Pearce, Utah 

Have we been spending too much time in 
the den? Forgive из. Here's a blow job meth- 
od courtesy of Lou Paget, author of How to 
Be a Great Lover: Form a seal and ring with 
your hand, as if you were shouting lo some- 
опе. As you blow your man, move your head 
up aud dawn (or backward and forward) 
while gently twisting your hand around the 
shaft. Keep your tongue in constant motion. 
When you need a break, lick his erection 
from his balls to the tip of his cock, then 
"mind the stepchildren” by taking his balls 
into your mouth. Make sure you look him 
in the eye once іп a while, and let your free 


ILLUSTRATION BY ISTVAN BANYAL 


hand roam over his body. If you need a new 
position, sit nude on your boyfriend's sub- 
woofer, spread your legs and have him crank 
a Sousa march before he slides inside you 
It's almost as much fun as the drier: 


Years ago I suspected a girlfriend was 
cheating on me. Although she denied it, 
installed monitoring tools on our com- 
puter to capture her instant messages 
and e-mails. 1 was amazed at how con- 
vincing her lies had been. Since then 
I have monitored other women Гуе 
dated, either by shoulder surfing to get 
their e-mail passwords or by installing 
software. Anytime I suspect deceit, І ob- 
tain the truth. Perhaps this isn't ethical, 
but it has saved me a lot of time and 
heartache. 1 don't want these tools to ru- 
in my integrity as a boyfriend or spoil my 
ability to trust a good-natured woman. 
But it's hard to establish that trust when 
you have seen firsthand how two-faced 
some people can be, What does the Ad- 
visor think?—N.E., Detroit, Michigan 

We think that. much like John Ashcroft, 
the spying is getting you off. When you love a 
woman as much as you love the technology, 
maybe shell be loyal to you. 


This past November you told a reader 
who asked about penis enlargement pills 
not to waste his money. Are you saying 
there is no hope for small guys like me to 
increase their size?—H.M., West Bloom- 
field, Michigan 

We say this once а year, but it never seems 
to sink in: There's no method to increase the 
size of your cock outside of surgery, and even 
that will increase your length only when flac- 
cid. The good news is, you're probably not as 
small as you think. The average erection is 
Jour to six inches. 


А reader who said that he didn't like to 
dance wrote to complain that his girl- 
friend bumps and grinds with other 
guys. You suggested he enjoy the show. 
You should have told him to get off his 
ass. If a woman can learn to give great 
head because her man likes it, her man 
can dance because she likes it. The adage 
that anyone can dance doesn't mean ev- 
eryone will look good doing it. You're 
not Casanova, either. Does that stop you 
from approaching women?—D.K., Co- 
lumbus, Ohio 

Point taken. We should have pushed him 
out there. 


When 1 feel tired at work, 1 close my 
door, take a 15-minute nap and awake 
feeling recharged. How is it possible to 
be able to rejuvenate my system so quick- 
ly? Why don't I feel that alert when I 


47 


PLAYBOY 


48 


wake up in the morning?—R.C., Wall- 
kill, New York 

Because you need more sleep. Most adults 
require at least eight hours each night (ex- 
cluding the two hours you have sex) and а 
regular schedule (same time to bed, same 
time to wake, including weekends). People 
who can't manage that nod off when their 
body temperature dips about eight hours af- 
ler they gel up, typically between three P.M. 
and five vM. That's why half the world takes 
а siesta. It's best to get enough sleep at night, 
but if you don't, take a 20-minute power 
nap. If you have a cubicle, use the trick we 
learned from Dilbert: Put your forehead on 
the desk and a pencil on the floor. If someone 
wakes you, pick up the pencil. 


Do fuel additives do any good?—M.M., 
Santa Barbara, California 

Sure. Although today's cars are better at 
heeping the fuel injectors clean, the deter- 
gents added by law to gas still help. In fact, 
these additives are the only thing thal distin- 
guish one brand of gas from another. Lately, 
some oil companies have drastically reduced 
the amount of detergents in their products, 
both to save money and supposedly because 
modern fuel injectors can handle it. That 
may be true, but some mechanics report in- 
creased carbon build-up in other parts of the 
engine, which affects gas mileage and pow- 
er (carbon problems are often misidentified 
as a slipped timing belt or bent valve). Our 
mechanic suggests using an additive such as 
Redline SI-I with each fill-up. 


My girlfriend and I have been dating 
for seven months. Two months ago I 
moved 200 miles to start a four-year grad- 
uate program. She told me she would 
not follow me unless we were engaged. 
Now she doesn't want to have sex again 
until we're married. She says she has 
feclings of guilt related to her faith. 1 
have a problem with going from an ac- 
tive sex life to none at all, but I love 
her and want to make it work. Should 1 
agree to her wishes and spend the next 
four years masturbating, or should we 
discuss an alternative? Help!—J.B., Des 
Moines, lowa 

What alternative? Love is nice, but love is 
freedom and joy, not constraint, Everything 
is moving the wrong way in this on 
Feeling guilty about sex is not a quali 
want in a partner. (2) You don't know this 
woman well enough lo make a decision 
about marriage. (3) Most long-distance af- 
fairs don't go the distance. (4) Four years is 
100 long to be engaged, even if you are hav- 
ing sex. (5) You're dating a born-again vir- 
gin. How fucked-up is that? 


You responded to a reader's dating ques- 
tion with the line, “Personal ads attract 
mostly misfits and cheaters.” That's a 
gross exaggeration based solely on au- 
thor Rochelle Morton’s disappointing 
experiences in placinga singles ad. When 
I started responding to ads after my mar- 


riage ended, I was really surprised by 
the number of young divorced women 
who were searching for companionship. 
I didn't meet a single creep, misfit or 
cheater. When I placed an ad, I had sev- 
en responses within hours. I stopped at 
number three, and we married two years 
later. Ads work if you know what you 
want.—J.D., Mount Vernon, Virginia 
The lesson of Morton's experience is to be 
She used the phrase “fun times” in 
her ad, which most guys took as code for ca- 
sual sex. That and her “delete-delete-meet” 
selection process (to ensure a random sam- 
ple) may explain the high number of misfits. 


My girlfriend and I started dating three 
years ago, when I was 19. I considered 
proposing but had reservations because 
1 hadn't dated anyone else. I didn't want 
to cheat down the road, so I broke up 
with her to date more. After some soul- 
searching (brought on by her having 
met someone else), I decided she's the 
one. I told her 1 wanted her back, but 
she says she's still angry with me. We've 
talked only by e-mail; she won't let me 
call her. What should I do?—R.B., Ann 
Arbor, Michigan 

Stop writing to her. Before you'll ever get 
your ex back, she has to miss you. You're pin- 
ing because she hooked up before you did. 
You have a good plan, now follow through. 


My vite and I have decided to wry swing- 
ing. What should we expect on a first 
meeting with another couple?—A.M., 
Grand Rapids, Michigan 

Don't expect anything. That way, you 
won't be disappointed. In most cases it take 
at least two dates before couples are comfort- 
able enough with one another to have sex. 
(іп other cases, it takes two minutes.) іп the 
event that you or your wife aren't interested 
in a swap. work out a subtle signal to alert 
each other, One couple we know both turn 
over a spoon al dinner. 


While answering a question about hir- 
ing escorts, you said a guy should expect 
to pay $400 per hour at Nevada broth- 
els. If you do, you're being conned. In 
my experience, most Nevada brothels 
charge $100 to $200 for a straight lay. 
You pick your girl, go to her room, w 
while she inspects you for disease and lis- 
ten while she explains the rules (no kiss- 
ing on the lips and don't mess up her 
hair). The experience is pretty sterile. If 
you're suspicious of an escort, ask to kiss 
her tit before you discuss money. If it's a 
cop, she'll refuse because she has to testi- 
fy at your trial.—A.M., Orlando, Florida 
Thanks for the tij verything is nego- 
tiable, but $200 to $500 per hour seems to 
be the going rate in Nevada, about the cost 
of three dates in the real world. Check out 
NVBrothels.com for lots of discussion. 


| invented a way to please myself and my 
wife at the end of a long day when one or 


both of us isn't in the mood to make love. 
My wife lies on her stomach and I posi- 
tion myself so I can cradle my erection 
between her butt cheeks, pointed toward 
her head. As 1 grind myself to orgasm, 1 
massage her back. We call it back-rub 
sex. Have you ever heard of t Does 
it have an official name?—B.C., Duluth, 
Minnesota 

An official name? Like, [rom a committee? 
The scientific name is probably related to 
coitus interfermoris, which is the act of rub- 
bing yourself to orgasm between a woman's 
thighs or against her perineum. It also could 
be related 10 coitus à mammilla (having sex 
with her breasts), axillism (armpit) or genu- 
phallation (between the knees) with a dash of 
pygophilia (arousal from fondling, hissing or 
licking the ass). Like an astronomer who dis- 
covers a new star, this position may be yours 
ta christen, May we suggest coitus à gluteus? 


Га like to make my boyfriend scream 
during sex. I get low growls and the oc- 
casional “Oh, yeah,” but I want him to 
yell stuff like “Yeah, baby!” or “Faster!” 
In the six years that we've been together 
I've never heard him scream. He says 
he's always been that way and that I 
shouldn't worry. What can I do better?— 
J.L, Seattle, Washington 

Its not you. Few people outside porn are 
screamers, though they always seem to live 
next door. The only reliable way to make a 
guy yell in bed is to grab his balls and pull. 
The best you can do otherwise is provide 
pleasant surprises—finger his ass while you 
blow him, lick his ass while you stroke him, 
do your Kegel exercises and squeeze his er 
tion like a pump. He'll probably just moan 
louder, but he'll owe us a big favor. 


| recently turned 20 and have been hav- 

ing wet dreams. I thought that happened 

only in puberty. 1 don't want to go to a 

doctor to have him tell me I'm normal. 

Can you help?—J.M., Phoenix, Arizona 
You're normal. 


One of my husband's testicles hangs 
lower than the other. Is that unusual?— 
S.B., Richmond, Virginia 

He's normal. 


Whenever I lick my girlfriend's pussy, 
her face turns red. Should we worry?— 
J-L., New York, New York 

She's normal. 


All reasonable questions—from fashion, food 
and drink, stereo and sports cars to dat- 
ing dilemmas, taste and etiquelte—will be 
personally answered if the writer includes a 
self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most 
provocative, pertinent questions will be pre- 
sented in these pages each month. Write the 
Playboy Advisor, тілувоу, 680 North Lake 
Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or 
send e-mail by visiting playboyadvisor.com 


THE PLAYBOY FORUM 


the just-say-no crowd strikes again 


here is nothing like a dead 

child to motivate people— 

and lo rally the paranoid, the 

pious and the pushy. The lat- 
est alert comes by way of a consor- 
Чит of environmental and consumer 
groups that last fall issued a report 
called All-Terrain Vehicle Safety Crisis: 
America's Children at Risk. 

“At first glance, all-terrain vehi- 
des may seem harmless enough, giv- 
en their big tires, apparently wide 
stance, four-wheel drive and cushy 
seat,” the report begins. “Appear- 
ances are deceiving. These vehicles 
are built and marketed for speed, 
with many ATVs capable of traveling 
up to 75 miles per hour. They injure, 
maim or kill more than 110,000 
Americans every year, and the real 
tragedy is that children younger 
than 16 years old pay the heavi- 
est price. For nearly a decade, 
the toll on children has been 
climbing dramatically, while 
the off-road-vehicle indus- 
try has aggressively marketed 
bigger, faster and more dan- 
gerous ATVs.” 

The report, which calls on 
states to prohibit anyone under 
the age of 16 from driving an 
ATV, is a classic example of the ac- 
tivist phenomenon known as reefer 
madness: Exaggerate, then regulate. 
To make their case, the groups shade 
statistics or, in this case, soak them in 
blood. Take the statement that ATVs 
injure, maim or kill more than 
110,000 Americans each year. The 
figure, based on hospital reports, 
lumps together lethal and nonlethal, 
finger cuts and funerals, so the num- 
ber will have more impac 

The report notes that “between 
1993 and 2001, the number of in- 
juries caused by ATV-related acci- 
dents more than doubled, to 111,700 
per year, resulting in а $6.5 billion tab 
for medical, legal and loss-of-work 
costs. Of those injured, 34,800 were 
under the age of 16." 

What those numbers don't tell you 
is that in the same period, the num- 
ber of ATVs approximately tripled. 
So actually, the injury rate has gone 
down. Furthermore, the accident rate 


among kids is almost identical to that 
of riders between the ages of 16 and 
34. Buta report trumpeting ATVs as 
“safer than ever” wouldn't have pro- 
duced headlines. 

The report includes more shocking 
numbers: Between the years 1982 
and 2001, at least 4541 people died in 
ATV accidents. Bar graphs show a 
leap in deaths, from 211 in 1993 to 
547 in 2000 (the most recent figures 
available). As with previous numbers, 
the totals are based on hospital re- 
ports. But a footnote explains that, in 


1999, emergency rooms changed the 
way they tally injuries, which ac- 
counts for the jump. 

About 40 percent of the ATV fatal- 
ities involved riders 16 or younger. 
The report touches on some possible 
causes: Ninety-five percent of the 
youngest victims were riding adult- 
size ATVs, 96 percent had no training 
and few were wearing helmets. 

To give the figures perspective, 
consider that bicycle accidents send 
more than 500,000 people to emer- 
gency rooms each year. Sixty percent 
of them are kids. Bike crashes kill 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 
YIN DOL iad 


about 900 people a year; 200 of the fa- 
talities are children. Bikes and ATVs 
produce similar body counts among 
children. But instead of banning bicy- 
cling, states passed helmet laws, which 
significantly reduced fatalities. 

The groups that issued the report 
see such statistics as justification for а 
ban. But there is an obvious lesson 
here about taking risks: Teach your 
children well. Give them ATVs suit- 
able for their age, size and coordina- 
tion. Instruct them or enroll them in 
rider education classes. Make them 
wear protective equipment. All of 
these ideas are pushed by the ATV in- 
dustry. Machines have prominent 
warning labels and age recommen- 

dations (12 and under should ride 

vehicles with 70-cubic-centimeter 
engines; those under 16 should 
ride 90cc mounts). The ATV 
Safety Institute conducts classes 
around the country. 

(Full disclosure: This writ- 
er prefers motorcycles to cars 
and has allowed his two kids to 
ride as passengers on cycles 
and snowmobiles. His son’s re- 
mark, “Go louder, Dad,” sug- 
gests that a taste for internal 

combustion engines is genctic. 
Both kids have ridden ATVs. They 
first touched a throttle at a class in 
Montana—two days of learning basic 
skills in a corral, before embarking on 
a ride into the alpine meadows above 
the Gallatin River—as part of a safety 
training video being made for an in- 
dustry group. They looked great.) 

Seventy percent of the 15 million 
Americans who ride ATVs do so as a 
family activity. Set age limits and you 
slam the brakes on all-terrain sales. 
That seems to be the idea: Motorcycle 
journalist Brian Neale suggests that 
at least two of the groups behind the 
report—the Bluewater Network and 
the Natural Trails and Waters Coali- 
tion—have an agenda besides ATV 
safety. Both want to limit access to 
public lands by motorized vehicles. 
That is a good idea in some areas. But 
whether you're a religious zealot or 
an environmental one, “Save the chil- 
dren” is a lazy and dishonest way to 
make your case. 


50 


onstables Gary Featherstone 
and Phil Williams stroll down 
Electric Avenue in Brixton 
past teeming markets of fish- 
mongers and produce stands, discount 
stores and drug dealers. Stereo speak- 
ers in open doorways blast out hip-hop 
and reggae, providing a soundtrack for 
the officers as they make their rounds 
in this largely working-class Caribbean 
neighborhood in the Lambeth bor- 
ough of south London. Kids working 
as scouts run ahead to warn the 
dealers hanging out in front of 
the Kentucky Fried Chicken on 
the corner. With their white 
skin and trademark domed hel- 
mets, Williams and Feather- 
stone are not expecting to sur- 
prise anybody. They are simply 
making their presence felt. 
The mild-mannered pair 
raid two or three crack houses 
a week but are more inclined to 
give street sermons. Williams 
likes mentioning to crack us- 
ers that what they are smoking 
has likely been through some- 
one’s system already (dealers 
keep their contraband in plas- 
tic in their mouths so they can 
swallow it if searched). In an 
alley, Featherstone spies spent 
needles on the ground. He la- 
ments that the heroin addicts 
didn’t use the nearby trash cans. 
For more than a year the of 
cers have virtually ignored ca- 
sual pot smokers. At worst, they 
issue verbal warnings and con- 
fiscate the dope. Since the sum- 
mer of 2001, the Lambeth bor- 
ough has been engaged in a 
controversial experiment: Po- 
lice no longer arrest people for 
ig a small amount of grass. 
That's just fine with Williams. “Гуе 
never seen someone go berserk on can- 


Brian Paddick, the former comman- 
der of Lambeth who initiated the non- 
arrest experiment, has a similar view 
unbiased by years of U.S. antidrug 
propaganda. He told a parliamentary 
committee: “There is a whole range of 
people who buy drugs—not just canna- 
bis but also cocaine and ecstasy—with 
money they earn legitimately. They use 
a small amount of these drugs, a lot of 
them just on weekends. It has no ad- 
verse effect either in terms of the peo- 
ple they socialize with or the wider 
community. They return to their jobs 


on Monday morn- 
ing and are unaf- 
fected for the rest 
of the week.” 

‘The revised priorities reflect a harsh 
reality. The Brixton area had the high- 
est street-crime rate in the country, and 
the force was already running 100 men 
short. A single arrest for marijuana 
possession took at least three hours of 
an officer's time in processing and pa- 
perwork; prosecution devoured close 


to $14,000 of public money. Although 
violators faced up to five years in pris- 
on, most paid fines. 

The logjam created by enforcing mar- 
ijuana laws was not limited to south 
London. Sixty-five percent of drug-re- 
lated arrests in Britain in 2000 were for 
possession of marijuana. The new poli- 
су was unassailably rational 

While the Brixton experiment was 
seen as a resounding success, it was not 
enough to convince U.S. drug war- 
riors. When Asa Hutchinson, head of 
the Drug Enforcement Administration, 
toured Lambeth streets in the summer 
of 2002, he saw a scene of depravity. 
Hutchinson, a former Arkansas con- 
gressman who made his name prose- 


old-world experiment in common sense 


cuting Bill Clinton at his impeachment 
trial, blamed the Brixton police depart- 
ment's decision to not bust marijuana 
users as contributing to the neighbor- 
hood's hard-drug problems. Marijua- 
na is “a gateway to the world of illegal 
drug abuse,” Hutchinson says. 

Despite Hutchinson's claims that the 
Brixton experiment has led to more 
drug use and crime, policing 
has, in fact, improved. Accord- 
ing to a September 2002 assess- 
ment of the Lambeth Cannabis 
Pilot Warning Scheme by the 
Metropolitan Police Authority, 
the program has been a suc- 
cess. While the police stopped 
more than twice as many peo- 
ple for smoking weed, they on- 
ly issued warnings. That saved 
thousands of hours of man- 
power that officers devoted to 
pursuing narcotics dealers. Po- 
lice activity related to “Class A” 
trafficking increased 19 per- 
cent from 2000 to 2001, com- 
pared with a three percent 
decrease in the neighboring 
boroughs. Lambeth officials al- 
so reported a decrease in street 
crime, although the fact that 
the police department had re- 
cently put more officers on pa- 
trol played a role. 

The movement to ease up on 
pot gained momentum on the 
national level three years ago 
when Home Secretary David 
Blunkett announced his inten- 
tion to remove cannabis as a po- 
licing priority. He was backed 
by a select parliamentary com- 
mittee, which concluded that while mil- 
lions of people use drugs, “most of those 
people do not appear to experience 
harm from their drug use, nor do they 
cause harm to others as a result of their 
habit. We believe that drugs policy 
should primarily deal with the 250,000 
problematic drug users rather than the 
large number whose drug use poses no 
serious threat either to their own well- 
being or to that of others.” The pro- 
posed reforms will come to a vote this 
summer, and are widely expected to 
pass. A likely caveat is that police will be 
able to arrest pot smokers if there are 
aggravating circumstances or if chil- 
dren are involved. 

An opposition call for zero tolerance 


EWENBERG 


went up in smoke when seven top To- 
ries admitted publicly that they had 
smoked reefer. And another promi- 
nent Conservative, Peter Lilley, sug- 
gested that while he had never been a 
pot smoker, he felt it should be legal- 
ized and regulated much like alcohol 
and cigarettes are. Others who took up 


the cause included 

the former chief 

of Scotland Yard's 

narcotics unit, the former chief inspec- 

tor of prisons and the former ambas- 

sador to Colombia. The press called for 

change, too: One editor, Rosie Boycott 

of the Independent, earned the nick- 

name Rizla for her efforts, alter the 
brand of rolling paper. 

Asa Hutchinson acknowledges nei- 


ther the grassroot actions of the police 
nor the clearheadedness of British pol- 
iticians. Instead, he defends the mil- 
lions of dollars that the DEA wastes 
cach year on pursuing marijuana smok- 
ers. As the English are fond of noting, 
the Puritans who founded the New 
World—and whose repressive attitude 
toward intoxicants still influences 
American drug laws—have been tossed 
off the island. 


NSESA. | 
ББ. 


WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF 1 АМ WARNED? 


The officer will take your name, address and date of 
birth and this will be kept as a local record. You will 
‘rot have to go to a police station. You will not have a 
ariminal record. 


Ht you have already been warned and are caught 
with cannabis a second or third time, the officer IS 
likely to arrest you. 


CAN THE POLICE TAKE MY CANNABIS? 


YES. 
They will confiscate it You will be asked to sign a 
sealed bag to confir it has been taken from you. 


DO 1 HAVE TO GIVE MY PERSONAL 
DETAILS? 


YES. 
And, if the policc officer believes you are lying. 
you may be arrested. 


i+ sevir 
CONTRE 
| 


em | 


| GEGEBI OGUN 
| ILODI S'ÓFIN 
YO 


з 
ЗЕСЕВІ OGUN 
LOD! S'ÓFIN 


What would decriminal- 
ization laok like? These 
artifacts suggest that 
change can be straight- 
forward. London offi- 
cials distributed these 
pamphlets in several lan- 
guages, explaining the 
details of the new policy 
to the citizens of Lam 
Бей. Why not here? 


WHEN WILL THE POLICE MAKE AN ARREST FOR 
PERSONAL POSSESSION OF CANNABIS? 


IF THE OFFICER FEARS DISORDER 


An example would be if there is a complaint Irom local residents ol public disorder occurring because cannabs 


is being used in their neighbourhood. 


IF YOU ARE OPENLY SMOKING CANNABIS IN A PUBLIC PLACE 


For example: il a person blows cannabis smoke in the face of an officer, or s smoking cannabis while driving. 
or ıs openly smoking or displaying cannabis т public or on licensed premises or places of public entertainment 


or cafes elc 


IF YOU ARE 17 OR UNDER AND IN POSSESSION OF CANNABIS 


Also, because of the importance of protecting children. the police are likely to arrest anyone im possession 
of cannabis ı they are т or near schools. youth clubs. play areas etc. 


NEW RULES APPLY 
IN LAMBETH AUGUST 1st 


II you require this leaflet in another language, please call 020 7230 3644. 


51 


52 


Research Projects Agency of the 
Pentagon announced a $200 mil- 
lion program to fight terrorism. It 
would create a “new intelligence infra- 
structure and new information tech- 
nology aimed at exposing terrorists 
and their activities and support sys- 
tems,” and develop “ultralarge all- 
source information repositories” and 
“a virtual centralized grand database.” 
What Darpa wants is “an extremely 
large, omnimedia, virtually central- 
ized and semantically rich infor- 
mation repository that is not 
constrained by today’s limited 
commercial database prod- 
ucts.” Or, as Dave Barry might 
say, “a REALLY BIG COMPUTER.” 
The goal: total information 
awareness. What's more, Ad- 
miral John Poindexter, of the 
Iran-contra scandal, would 
orchestrate the new system. 
Poindexter, alias Dr. Evil, is the 
nation's most notorious scoff- 
law. Think the Dirty Dozen gone 
digital 

Not surprisingly, civil libertari- 
ans went bat-shit. 

Journalists pondered what could be 
of interest to the government, listing 
the stuff that might go into a super- 
database. High school yearbook pho- 
tos. Internet searches. Driver's license 
and bridge toll records. Judicial and di- 
vorce records. Complaints to the FBI 
from pain-in-the-ass neighbors. The 
list of videos you ordered from Adult 
DVD Empire, the copy of The Anarchist 
Cookbook you bought from Amazon.com 
as a joke. It was as though the govern- 
ment had just discovered Google.com. 

Our first thought: Darpa is capable 
of some serious technological mischief. 
Think of it as America's Q section. It's 
the agency responsible for the Internet 
and the stealth bomber. 

Then we visited the official website 
for the agency and realized that our 
concerns missed the point. The Infor- 
mation Awareness Office is a parody. It 
is a classic example of misdirection 
During World War 11 the Allies stocked 


L ast year the Defense Advanced 


By JAMES R. PETERSEN 


decoy bases and airfields with squad- 
rons of plywood bombers—all to mis- 
lead the enemy. This was Psyops 101. 
Consider the former logo. The all- 
seeing eye above the pyramid has fu- 
eled conspiracy theorists since the 


“Stiporenss® 


“У е 23? 


dawn of this nation. It appears on the 
back of the Great Seal and the back of 
a dollar bill, though with a different 
motto. The pyramid supposedly indi- 
cates strength and duration. The de- 
sign took six years to develop and went 
through three committees—a bit of 
history that was prophetic of how the 
new government would work. The de- 
п has invoked wild speculation that 
it is a secret symbol of the Masons 
among the Founding Fathers or that 
it's a recognized icon of the supersecret 
Illuminati 

The Great Seal's original motto, Ал- 
пий Coeptis, is translated as “the eye of 
providence has favored our undertak- 
ings." Perhaps Darpa was sensitive to 
the criticism that the U.S. has launched 
a religious war against Islam. Its motto, 


Scientia Est Potentia, translates as 
"Knowledge is power." 

Is knowledge power? Or is it paraly- 
sis? Ben Brunk, manager of the School 
of Information and Library Science's 
Interaction Design Laboratory at the 
University of North Carolina, points 
out in an online discussion that all 
databases contain errors. "It would be 
difficult to match records to any reli- 
able degree. Who knows if the John 
Poindexter in one database is the 
same as Jon Pointdexter in anoth- 
er?" Brunk describes the conse- 
quences of inaccurate bits. He 
estimates that with just a five 
percent error rate, “a data- 
base of 300 million Ameri- 

cans might contain 7.5 bil- 

lion errors. The number of 

false positives would be out- 

rageous. There isn't enough 

manpower in the govern- 

ment to track down every 
lead, even if much of the 
work is automated. 

“Even if the new system 
were incredibly efficient and 
managed to spit out 10,000 po- 
tential suspects, could the FBI, 
CIA and NSA investigate 10,000 peo- 
ple each day? 1 suppose the govern- 
ment could err on the side of caution 
and detain large numbers of people in- 
definitely without due process until it 
is certain they aren't terrorists. But 
where? Huge concentration camps?” 
Don't give them any ideas, Brunk 

The three big credit bureaus offer 
customers (victims) the chance to re- 
view records and correct errors. We 
can imagine the dialogue with Attorney 
General John Ashcroft (“Yes, I ed 
strip clubs in Las Vegas, but I did not 
purchase box cutters"). 

TIA has already generated confu- 
sion. In December, Darpa removed the 
all-seeing eye from its website and 
changed the logo. Earlier, it removed 
staff biographies. (Perhaps because 
pranksters posted Poindexter's per- 
sonal data, as well as satellite photos 
marking the location of his house.) We 
retrieved this image from Google 


Iris Recognition 
HID at a Distance will develop multi-modal biometric technologies 
to improve our ability to identify foreign terrorists from a distance 


FUTUREMAP: Some kind of software 
thot will use “market-based tech- 


HUMAN ID AT A DISTANCE: Surveil- 
lance cameras and “automatic biometric 
identification technologies” will allow 
Deportment of Defense personnel to 
“recognize and identify humans ot great 
distances.” It turns out that the great dis- 
tance is about 150 meters. It’s nice to 
know the official measure of the whites of 
their eyes. 

The technobabble goes on about the 
need to “fuse face and gait recognition 
into a 24/7 human identification sys- 
tem.” As Hendrik Hertzberg noted in The 
New Yorker, it is impossible to read that 
sentence and not think of Monty Python's 
Ministry of Silly Walks. 


Predicting Hostilities 


niques for ovoiding surprise and pre- 
dicting future events." Does the oc- 
componying illustration depict the 
actual device? It looks like с dart- 
board. The White House already has 
one of those. How else do you explain 
our focus on Iroq? Keep the enemy 
guessing. Will we attack North Korea? 
Grenada? Haiti? Cuba? Maybe this is 
the way to abolish the CIA. We don’t 
need intelligence or spy photos or ev- 
idence. We have FutureMap! Or is this 


Probability of Overt Action (%) 
w 


o 


just another woy of saying the presi- 


dent listens to pollsters? 15 20 25 


Probability of Terrorist Activity (25) 


English 


Babylon provides two- 
way, natural language Au 
speech translation 
interfaces and platforms 
for users in combat and 
‚other field environments 


Interlingua 
(Phrase meanings) 


BABYLON: Dorpa hos plans to develop 
“rapid, two-way natural language speech 
translation interfoces and platforms for 
the warfighter to use in field environ- 
ments for force protection, refugee pro- 
cessing and medicol triage.” 

The proposed device looks like o Polm 
Pilot. The illustration shows a wor fighter, 
not in combat but in another “field envi- 
ronment,” hitting on o Persicn babe. The 
subtle message from the Department of 
Defense to the people of Iran: We are 
coming after your women 


53 


OPRAH AND DR. PHIL 

The writers in The Playboy 
Forum are usually astute, so it's 
disappointing to see such a 
sharp-tongued attack on Oprah 
Winfrey and Dr. Phil (“Sex for 
the Simpleminded,” January). 
Atleast Oprah, who is a bril- 
liant businesswoman, had the 
stance herself from 
even if it took giving 
him his own show to get him off 
hers on Tuesdays. I'm baffled 
why rLaynoy, which usually de- 
lights us by encouraging any 
move toward primal sexual ex- 
ploration of the id, lashes out at 
two powerful people attempt- 
ing to address the equal needs 
of the ego/superego in our rela- 
tionship growth with our sexu- 
al partner(s). 


sense to 


B. Agarwal 
Largo, Florida 


I cannot stop laughing over 
how stupid Oprah and Dr. Phil 
are. | used to think Oprah was 
more open-minded. But she 
and Dr. Phil need to be put out 
to pasture. David Letterman 
realizes this; he rips Dr. Phil a 


a. 


FOR THE RECORD 


PANTS PATRUL 


“If your honor were to do as this dog did and 
nuzzle the defendant's genitals, it would be an 
indecent assault. 

—A defense lawyer for a man arrested outside a 

Ў sion. A police 


h and alerted offi- 


Sydney nightclub for drug poss 
dog had sniffed the man's с 


corrections officer with a per- 
fect work record. Once I plead- 
ed out, the Florida Department 
of Law Enforcement revoked 
my certification to work as an 
officer, as is required by state 
law whenever an officer pleads 
guilty or no contest to a felony. 
T lost my job and never got any 
help. It's too bad my last name 
isn't Bush. 

(Name withheld) 

Miami, Florida 


Anyone in Jeb Bush’s situa- 
tion would do the same thing 
he has done—use all the power 
he has to protect his kids. Be- 
sides, Bush can't take all the 
blame for the drug problem in 
Florida, Drugs started flowing 
through the state well before 
his time. 

Jeff Melton 
Farmington Hills, Michigan 


SNITCH, INC. 

I'm surprised that you don't 
invoke the specter of McCar- 
thyism in your article about At- 
torney General John Ashcroft's 


new one in his monolog almost 
every night. 
Christopher Nicol 
Willingboro, New Jersey 


Your article on Dr. Phil is 
dead-on. If everyone followed 


who found marijuana and methylampheta- 
mine in his pocket. A magistrale threw oul the 
arges, saying the dog had conducted an illegal 
search. But an appeals judge ruled that sniffing 
anormal greeting for a dog and that the canine 
‘olfactory sense enhances that of a police officer 
in the same way that a flashlight enhances the 


plan to have ordinary citizens 
alert authorities to suspicious 
activity committed by other citi- 
zens (“Snitch, Inc.," The Playboy 
Forum, January). The current 
atmosphere makes the return 
of McCarthyism a real possibili- 


his adv we'd all be having 
sober, boring, Republican sex. 
He and Oprah make it sound 
like sex shouldn't be enjoyed too much. 
Peter Payton 
Augusta, Georgia 


BUSH FAMILY REHAB 

I appreciated your article about No- 
elle Bush and her problems in drug 
treatment (“Bush Family Rehab,” The 
Playboy Forum, January). 1 once worked 
for a nonprofit treatment program. 
Given the number of people who are 
arrested in Florida for drug use, you 
would think there would be more of 
them in treatment. Instead, we send 
almost everyone to prison. Many peo- 
ple in state-sponsored treatment pro- 
grams get kicked out and sent to pris- 
on for committing minor infra: 
Everyone deserves the same considera- 
tion Noelle Bush received. Treatment 


officer's sight.” He also dismissed the idea that a 


crotch nuzzle is an assault. 


shouldn't be about who you know but 
how well you're doing. 
Belinda James 
Tampa, Florida 


Like Noelle Bush, I was arrested for 
attempting to obtain a controlled sub- 
stance by forged prescription. But un- 
like her, I was not offered counseling, 
drug court or any type of rehabilita- 
tion. I spent a few days in jail before 
prosecutors let me plead no contest. 
‘The judge sentenced me to five years’ 
probation, $2200 in fines and 300 
hours of community service. 1 thought 
pleading no contest would be a good 
idea because it wouldn't result іп a con- 
viction. But 1 have since learned that 
а no-contest plea is just as bad as a 
guilty plea. Before my arrest, I was a 


ty. Since September 11, snitch- 
ing has become OK. It's in- 
structive to repeat those famous 
words of Ben Franklin: “They 
that can give up essential liberty to ob- 
tain a little temporary safety deserve 
neither liberty nor safety.” 

David Meyers 

New Orleans, Louisiana 


PILFERED PLAYBOY 

1 occasionally drive my grandmoth- 
er's car, as do other members of the 
family. As a favor to me for giving him 
a few paperback books, a 15-year-old 
who lives at a state home for troubled 
kids offered to clean it out. It was a 
mess—papers and junk mail every- 
where. He found $5.75 in change, 
which 1 told him he could keep. Lat- 
er, when the boy was caught with a 
PLAYBOY, he said he took it from the 
y be true; I subscribe to 
the magazine. Although 1 had no idea 


= 


R: E $ 


Р a 


E 


there was an issue in the car, or that he 
had taken it, the county prosecutor 
charged me with a misdemeanor un- 
der a state law that prohibits the "sale, 
distribution or display of harmful ma- 
terial to a minor.” If convicted, I could 
receive up to a year in jail and a $4000 
fine. Everyone I know is astonished. 
The Jeflerson County District Attor- 
ney's Office will have to prove its con- 
tention that PLAYBOY is “utterly without 
redeeming social value for minors” (as 


required by the statute) or drop the 
charge. There's no way that I'm plead- 
ing guilty or accepting a plea bargain. 
PLAYBOY is a quality publication. My fa- 
ther had a subscription, and I grew up 
reading the magazine. 
John Henry Phelan 
Beaumont, Texas 
Is itelection time already? We phoned dis- 
trict attorney Tom Maness. He declined com- 
ment. We also phoned the police department 
investigator. No comment. A few weeks later, 


М S Е 


we learned that the charges against you had 
been dropped. It sounds like the public ser- 


vants in Beaumont need more to do. 


We would like to hear your point of view. 
Send questions, opinions and quirky stuff to 
The Playboy Forum, PLAYBOY, 680 North 
Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, 
e-mail forum@playboy.com or fax 312- 
951-2939. Please include a daytime phone 
number and your city and state or province 


the worst 
in erotica 


This past De- 
cember marked 
the 1018 anniversary of the Liter- 
ату Review's Bad Sex їп 
Fiction Award, given 
to the most crude, 
tasteless and redun- 
dant description in a 
new novel. Here are a few nomi- 
nees, along with the winner: 

“So the sleek dolphin rose, leapt through the ring of 
my legs and disappeared again, leaving me bobbing, 
trying to keep my balance. Everything was wet down 
there. I pressed against the Object. I took the backs of 
her thighs in my hands, adjusting her legs around my 

ist. And then my body, like a cathedral, broke out in- 
to ringing. The hunchback in the belfry had jumped 
and was swinging madly on the rope."—Jeffrey Eugen- 
ides, Middlesex 

“In one fluid movement Herman rolled forward onto 
his knees, grasped Dorian by the shoulders and kissed 
him. Such suction. They were like two flamingos, each 
attempting to filter the nutriment out of the other with 
great slurps of their muscular tongues. Adam's apples 
bobbed in the crap gloaming."—Will Self, Dorian 

“The cresting and falling of the train does half the 
work, not all; we keep stroking in together, stroking 
away, stroking back. When our orgasms come, it's like а 
naked electric cable dropped into a fish tank." —Nich- 
olas Blincoe, White Mice 


"She moved her hips and continued to fuck my lights 
out. 1 thought of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who, 
the story goes, knew the instant he heard the 

name Adolf Hitler that he had brushed up 

against the reason he was born. He 

had been living his whole life with 


2-3. this nagging sensation that he 

> m, was waiting for something, 
SES and the feeling subsided 

; & into nothingness. Now 

it's different, and to me 

itwas shockingly humble, 

but there with my girl in my arms and our child in her 
belly I knew I had reached the moment my life had 
been waiting for. I was going to be a father and a 
husband. 1 spanked her bottom and cranked up 


the tunes."—Ethan Hawke, Ash Wednesday 


As we noted in last month's After Hours, the winner was: 
“Weirdly, he was clad in pinstripes at the same time as 
being naked. Pinstripes were erotic, the uniform of fa- 
thers, two-dimensional fathers. Even Mr. F 
had a seductive pinstriped foreskin. Enticingly rough 
yet soft inside her. The jargon he'd used at the consul- 
tation had become bewitching love-talk: ‘dislocation of 
the second MTP], titanium hemi-implant.’ ‘Yes!’ she 
whispered back. ‘Dorsal subluxation, flexion deformity 
of the first metatarsal." They were building up an elec- 
trifying rhythm—long, fierce, sliding strokes, inter- 
spersed with gasping cries. ‘Wait,’ Ralph рате, ‘let's 
do it the other way.’ Swiftly he withdrew, arranged her 
on her hands and knees and knelt above her on the bed. 
It was even better that way—tighter, more exciting. She 
cupped his pinstriped balls, felt him thrust more ur- 
gently in response. ‘Oh yes!’ she shouted, screwing up 
her face in concentration, tossing back her hair.” 
— Wendy Perriam, Tread Softly 


55 


56 


М E W 


8 Е 


R 


O N T 


what's happening in the sexual and social arenas 


CUNTRABAND 


WHITE OAK, TEXAS—Afler a police of- 
сег arrested a woman on suspicion of 
drunk driving, he searched her car. In the 
trunk he found a box filled with vibrators, 


butt plugs, a penis-shaped candle, adult 
playing cards and other novelties. In addi- 
tion to DUI, the county prosecutor charged 
the woman with promoting “obscene ma- 
terial and devices” (under Texas law, any- 
one caught with six or more sex loys is pre- 
sumed to be illegally promoting them). The 
accused is a sales rep for Slumber Parties, 
which distributes adult toys through home 
parties. If the charge sticks, the law calls 
[or a sentence of up to two years in prison. 


BIKINI DROP 


восотА—Тће Colombian army devised 
a bold plan lo disrupt the rebel forces hun- 
kering down deep in the jungle: Shower 
them with photos of scantily clad women as 
an example of the “benefits” of deserting. 
Before the drop, however, the country's fe- 
male defense minister scrapped the idea. 
She said it didn't fü with the goal of "re- 
habilitating these boys, resocializing them 
and making them useful to society.” 


PORN AGAIN 


PUTNEY. RENTUCKY—Last year a group 
called Concerned Citizens of Putney per- 
suaded prosecutors to charge the owner of 
Love World, an adult video and toy store, 
with distributing obscenity. Soon after, the 


store's owner decided to "be with the Lord.” 
Michael Braithwaite contacted local reli- 
gious leaders, who helped him burn his in- 
ventory in the parking lot. He changed the 
store’s name to Mike's Place, painted the 
bright-red walls white and restocked with 
Bibles and other religious products 


FETAL RIGHTS 


ATLANTA—A state representative says he 
will propose a law that equates abortions 
with executions. Any woman seeking to 
end her pregnancy would have to file a 
petition in court for a death warrant. A 
guardian appointed for the fetus could de- 
mand a jury trial in which the mother 
would have to prove that her needs out- 
weigh the child's right to be born. The law 
also would require abortionists lo obtain 
death warrants or face up to five years in 
prison. The legislator called his idea “ап 
attempt to restore the 14th Amendment due 
process rights of the unborn." 


INDIAN DANCE 


ELKO, MINNESOTA—An 82-year-old 
Ojibwa Indian paid $1 to buy a strip joint 
that had been shut down by the city. He re- 
opened the club and posted signs on the 
door declaring it a sovereign nation ex- 
empt from state liquor and gambling laws. 
The man says his membership in the North 
Dakota tribe allows him to buy land and 
declare it part of a reservation. Legal ob- 
servers pointed out that only the U.S. De- 
partment of the Interior and the governor 
can declare land part of a reservation. 


GONE MISSING 


WASHINGTON, n c. —Call it political 
science. When a pro-life lawmaker com- 
plained about a statement on the National 
Cancer Institute website that abortion has 
no link to breast cancer, officials changed 
the page to say the evidence is inconclusive 
(despite a Danish study of 1.5 million wom- 
en that found no link). At the same time, 
the Centers for Disease Control and Pre- 
vention deleted a passage on its website 
that stated that condom information for 
teenagers had no effect on how early or 
how often they had sex. It also rewrote a 
page that promoted the advantages of us- 
ing condoms to prevent sexually transmit- 
ted diseases lo emphasize abstinence and 
note that condoms may not always prevent 
STDs (in fact, with correct use, condoms 


prevent STDs at least 98 percent of the 
time). Officials say they made the changes 
not because of pressure but to reflect the 
latest medical information. 


ILLEGAL FANTASIES: 


FORT FRANCES, ONTARIO—Don Smith 
used a newspaper ad to recruit 20 actress- 
es to videotape scenes in which the women 
appeared to be stabbed or shot. Smith post- 
ed the videos, which included nudity but 
no sex, on sites in Canada and the U.S. 
After receiving complaints, local police ar- 
rested him. Despite testimony from a film 
professor that the scenes were no more grue- 
some than those in a slasher movie, a jury 
found Smith guilty of making videos with 
“undue exploitation of sex and violence” 
and distributing obscenity. A judge sen- 
tenced him to three years’ probation, 
fined him $100,000 and banned him 
from accessing the Internet. Alerted by 
Canadian police, the FBI said it found 
nothing on the site to prosecute. 


OPEN SECRET 


WASHINGTON, D.C—A member of the 
U.N. weapons inspection team in Iraq is 
co-founder of a sadomasochistic club 
called Black Rose. Harvey "Jack" Mc- 
George also conducts S&M seminars. The 


Washington Post broke the story while т- 
vestigaling the qualifications of some in- 
spectors, including McGeorge, who owns a 
company that sells bioterror products. He 
submitted his resignation, but the head of 
the inspection team refused и. 


After Aging 


TES 


ши ac yor aga und drink psp, Eran Wa“ Katty Sig Rohe Whiskey. Bode by OH Emo Wil Dir, Baron, NY ADA 43% Ak Al. © 2002 


Evan The longer you wait, 


Williams the better it gets. = 
Атасу! iE 


AGED 7 YEARS 


м” 


Е a A 
Bo A E 
WHISKEY Evan Williams. - 


Aged longer to taste smoother. 


‚LIVE WHAT 
YOU BELIEVE’ 


©2003 Pinkerton Tobacco Co. LP 


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: JAY- 


а candid conversation with rap’s million-dollar man about feuding with nas, 
growing up with biggie, dating beyoncé and learning that god loves a drug dealer 


Here's a story about Jay-Z: One recent 
night he was gambling with Kevin Liles, 
president of Def Jam, the label that distri 
utes Jay-Z's records. When the bels were fin- 
ished, Liles was down $10,000. The next 
day he gave $10,000 cash to a messenger 
and sent it to the studio where Jay-Z was 
working. The rapper refused the money and 
sent the messenger hack with these words: 
“Tell Kevin he's got lo deliver it himself.” 

Jay-Z plays for big stakes and insists on 
honor. When he prevails, he doesn't hesitate 
to gloat or talk trash. His favorite basketball 
player is Michael Jordan and, like Jordan, 
he savors competition as much as victory. 

This story affirms the self-portrait that he 
draws in hits like Big Pimpin’, Н to the Izzo 
and Girls, Girls, He's the Don Co: 
leone of rap ("Young Vito" is one of his many 
nicknames), a street-hardened former drug 
dealer who drinks Cristal, smokes cigars and 
trusts almost no one, Especially women. In 
а music genre where arrogance is expected, 
he's set a new standard, calling himself Jay- 
Hova, god of Ihe microphone. Bill O'Reilly 
has accused him of damaging children with 
cursing and “corrosive lyrics." Appearing 
on a Missy Elliott record last year, Jay-Z of- 


“People already know my paranoia about 
women. Guys don't want to date me for my 
money, so T don't have to worry about them. 
People say this guy is dissing women every 
fucking record. But those are the hits." 


fered a terse reply: “Fuck Bill O'Reilly." 

He was born Shawn Corey Carter, the 
youngest of four children, and grew up in the 
notoriously bleak Brooklyn public housing 
complex known as Marcy Projects. His fa- 
ther left the family when Shawn was 11; the 
kids were raised by their mom, Gloria, and 
by the streets, not always in that order. 

Reasonable Doubt, released in 1996 and 
widely recognized as a classic, made Jay-Z 
an underground legend, bragging that he'd 
“sold it all, from crack to opium" (apparent- 
ly true) and had made “underworld ties" 
(apparently not). In You Must Love Me, he 
examines the memory of shooting his brother 
when he was 12 (his brother survived). 

Then came his breakthrough, Hard Knock 
Life, a 1998 single that sampled a chorus 
from the Broadway musical Annie. Jay-Z 
was no longer known only to rap devotees. 
As he said, he “brought the suburbs to the 
hood.” And he continued to dispute the per- 
ception that he was one more remorseless 
street thug draped in gold. “Motherfuckers 
say that I’m foolish, L only talk about jewels,” 
he intoned. “Do you fools listen to music, or 
do you just skim through it? 

Though it now seems like a smart business 


“I'm trying lo get grown up and not talk 
about figures anymore. Im learning that the 
big cats don't talk about money, only us ig- 
norant rappers. 1 have to get sophisticated 
with my paper. Im not nouveau money." 


decision to form his own record label, Roc-A- 
Fella, Jay-Z started the company with two 
friends only because no label would sign 
him. From necessity came fortune: The com- 
pany has diversified into Rocawear, a thriv- 
ing clothing company, and Roc-A-Fella 
Films. His label has signed a new generation 
of rappers, including Cam'ron, Memphis 
Bleck and Beanie Sigel, all of whom Jay-Z 
promotes on his own records. 

Recording at the unusual pace of one or 
sometimes twa records each year, Jay-Z, 32, 
has made nine albums since 1996. And he's 
endured shifting trends in a way no other 
rapper has. Released in November 2002, 
The Blueprint 2: The Gift and the Curse is a 
double CD that stretches to include RGB, 
dancehall, rock and a duet with Beyoncé 
Knowles. It was his fifth album to debut at 
number one on the pop charts, an ассот- 
plishment unmatched by any other rapper. 
With more than 16 million records sold, he 
trails only Eminem as rap's lop seller. Short- 
ly after Blueprint 2 was released, we sent 
writer Rob Tannenbaum to interview Jay-Z 
in New York City. 


PLAYBOY: Rap carcers arc usually over 
fast: one or two hits, then styles change 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID ROSE 


“Pm representing for the whole culture. A lot 
of people look at me like they looked at Mar- 
tin Luther King Jı: Гт not а saint—1 did 
bad things. 1 fucked up. 1 try not lo do bad 
things anymore. 1 try lo be a decent citizen.” 


59 


PLAYBOY 


and a new guy comes along. Why have 
you endured while other rappers haven't? 
JAY-Z: I would say that it’s from still be- 
ing able to relate to people. It's natural 
to lose yourself when you have success, 
to start surrounding yourself with fake 
people. In The 48 Laws of Power, it says 
the worst thing you can do is build a 
fortress around yourself. I still got the 
people who grew up with me, my cous- 
in and my childhood friends. This guy 
right here [gestures to the studio manager], 
he's my friend, and he told me that one 
of my records, Volume Three, was wack. 
People set higher standards for me, and 
1 love it. 

PLAYBOY: But we were just in a chauf- 
feured car, on our way to free courtside 
seats at a Nets game, and we saw your 
new music video playing on BET. 

JAY-Z: Yeah. [Laughs] Vm still separated. 
You told me to separate—I'm still look- 
ing in on that guy. Like, Wow, that guy's 
doing it! 

PLAYBOY: So how can people relate to you 
when you possess so many things they 
don't have? 

JAY-Z: Гуе been through a lot of things, 
so I could write songs off memory for an- 
other four years. Since my first album, it 
was like, Wow, that guy's really hitting it 
on the head about life in the streets. Now 
people are growing with me, and they're 
seeing the integrity 


gamble. I can gamble because I'm from 
the hood [makes a mean face]. We're hav- 
ing a guts game this Thursday. We're try- 
ing to get Michael Jordan to come. Can 1 
say that, too? Damn, I'm telling every- 
body's business. God, 1 just told on Will 
Smith and Michael Jordan, huh? 
PLAYBOY: You refer to yourself a: 
$40 m 
an accurate number? 

Jay-Z: 1 don't know the math. How'd I 
get that number? I might be past that 
by now. 

PLAYBOY: We bet you know exactly how 
much you have at any given moment. 
хегуоле should, don't you think? 
"s nothing 
worse than putting in all this work and 
waking up broke. Гуе seen it happen, 
and I vowed it won't happen to me. 
PLAYBOY: Jam Master Jay of Run-D.M.C. 
died broke. How does that happen? 
желе I always have to blame it on the 
accountants. 
They have to 
be tough, they 
have to be will 
ing to quit if 
a guy calls up 
and says, “1 
want to buy a 
new car” 
PLAYBOY: Have 


is real. A guy came 
up to me at the gym 
the other day and 
told me, “I know you 
now.” I just rhyme 
about what I've been 
through 

PLAYBOY: Roc-A- 
Fella has grossed 
an estimated $300 
million. 

JAY-Z: Wow! 


T'm doing it for the 
artistry. I’m doing it 
to try new things, 
to create, to invent. 


PLAYBOY: How much 
of that has ended up in your pocket? 
JAY-Z: [Smiles] I've got about $5000 on 
me now. I do. That's just the leftovers 
for me. I went to Miami two weeks ago, 
and we gambled on the plane. I won a 
little bit of money, and I still got it in my 
pocket. 

PLAYBOY: How much do you usually bet? 
JAY-Z: That night I won about $17,000 
from my friends. 

PLAYBOY: You take money from friends? 
Jay-z: Yeah. It's gambling! They take 
mine, too. They don't give me a walk. 
They don't say sorry. Actually, they laugh. 
Then they go buy shit. A friend who won 
recently paged me the next day: “I just 
bought a plasma TV. Thank y'all! 
PLAYBOY: | hear your best game is guts. 
What's that? 

JAY-Z: It's like a ıhree-card poker game. 1 
taught Will Smith to play guts. Now he 


has guts tournaments. I don't know if 


he wants people to know that. I talk too 
much. What if Will Smith gets hooked 


60 оп gambling? He's clean-cut, he can't 


any of your 
accountants 
ever said no to you? 

JAY-Z: 1 fire my accountant every year. 
axes, he's fired. Uncle 
that recording booth 
with me. He didn't bang his head against. 
the wall until he came up with the hook 
for Hovi Baby. It's crazy, the checks that 
I send to the government, for nothing. 
And then my accountant says, "Be happy 
that you're fortunate enough to cut this 
check." Oh yeah? Fuck you! You're fuck- 
ing fired! That's my response. Then I 
hire him back, because he's right. 
PLAYBOY: When you named the label Roc- 
A-Fella, did you know anything about 
the Rockefeller family? 
JAY-Z: I just knew they was п 
That was the part that stuck. 
PLAYBOY: All that money, and you still re- 
lease records more often than any other 
rapper. Why work so hard? Is it just for 
the money? 

JAY-Z: I'm doing it for the artistry. l'm 


jonaires. 


doing it to try new things, to create, to 
invent. I'ma guy who wants to see rap 
go further, even after me. I want people 
to open their minds, start making differ- 
ent types of music. Don’t follow what's 
going on. That's what hip-hop is about. 
It's a rebellious voice. You're going left? 
Then I'm going right. But say it like this: 
[Sneers] I'm going right 

PLAYBOY: How did growing up in the 
Marcy Projects shape you? 

JAY-Z: It was a poor neighborhood, but 
you learned loyalty and integrity. You 
learned to respect other people, because 
it was a minefield. If you disrespect 
somebody, or act ionorable, you get 
hurt. Somebody puts you in your place. 
So I learned integrity. It's a beautiful 
place to grow up, as far as having honor. 
PLAYBOY: Was it dangerous? 

JAY-Z: It wasn't safe. Everyone there was 
poor and trying to get ahead. There 
not much hope. You put all those 
gredients together, you 
have people who are 
willing to do anything 
at any time. What am 1 
ng to do, lose my 
fire? What is my life 
worth, anyway? That 
can't be a safe environ- 
ment. In each of the 
buildings, there's six 
Поогв, four families on 
each floor, three build- 
ings connected togeth- 
er. Everyone's on top of 
everybody else. That's 
a powder keg. Then 
crack hit around 1985. 
You had so many peo- 
ple strung out. I mean, 
everybody. It was an 
epidemic. 

PLAYBOY: And have those 
projects changed since 
you were a kid? 

Jay-z: [Shakes his head] 
There's no lawyers, no 
doctors, no psychiatrists. Everyone that 
makes money moves out. They just go. 1 
want to tell Yo, I'm Jay-Z. . .." Not 
even Jay-Z. “I'm Shawn Carter, from 5C. 
I lived in that building right there, the 
one you live in now. And it can happen 
for you. 1 don’t know what it is that you 
want to do, but something will happen 
for you.” 

PLAYBOY: Like you, most of the kids you 
grew up with didn’t have fathers. 

Jay-z: 1 could name the ones who did 
[laughs]. There were about three in the 
whole project. 

PLAYBOY: Your dad split when you were 
11. What happens when a boy grows up 
without a dad? 

Jay-Z: He learns how to be a man in the 
streets. Everyone needs that role model, 
that blueprint, to guide you through. De- 
pending on your environment, it could 
be a bad thing. 

PLAYBOY: You've talked about your dad in 


a few songs, especially Where Have You 
Been? 

JAY-Z: In hindsight, I was hard on the 
guy in a lot of songs. At that time, every- 
one was leaving. They was leaving before 
the kid was born. He wasn't totally a 
scumbag—not totally. After those songs, 
1 told my mom I wanted to talk to him. I 
can't keep living in the past. My mom 
got in touch with him. The first time he 
was supposed to come to my house, he 
didn't come. 1 figured it was embarrass- 
ing for him, going to his son's house. 
1 got mad again. Like, “All right, forget 
it, then! I ain't reaching out no more!” 
Then my mom told me he was finally 
ready to come over, and we just kicked 
it—1 told him everything that was on my 
mind. And we shook hands, like men. 
PLAYBOY: Is he a dad to you now? 

JAY-Z: I don't think anyone can be a dad 
to me at this point. I learned how to go 
inside my own mind, to figure it out, to 
learn as I go along. 

PLAYBOY: You went to high school with 
the Notorious B.1.G. How did you end 
up recording together? 

JAY-Z: We always said we was going to do 
something together, and I was doing my 
first album, so we went into the studio 
and did Brooklyn's Finest. He was sitting 
there, trying to memorize his lyrics, and 
I passed him a pen and paper, like, 
“Неге” And he was like, “No, Гтп cool, 
you can take that.” I was like, “Nah, I 
don’t need that.” That's so strange, to 
see two people who don’t write down 
lyrics. At the time, no one else was doing 
that. After that, we spoke every day. 
PLAYBOY: Who do you think killed Biggie? 
JAY-Z: | don't know, man. | have no idea. 
[Pause] 1 don't want to further that. 1 
don't want to talk about what I think. 
PLAYBOY: Did Biggie's death, and Tu- 
pac's, make you more cautious about 
starting beefs with people? 

JAY-Z: No, because I don't believe either 
one of them got killed over rap music. 
That was just something to help the me- 
dia sell magazines. 

PLAYBOY: They were both rappers. They 
both got shot. So obviously they pissed 
off someone. 

JAY-Z: Not rapping. 

PLAYBOY: What did you think of the Los 
Angeles Times story last year that said Big- 
gie paid gang members to kill Tupac? 
JAY-Z: That was just irresponsible-jour- 
nalism bullshit. It's terrible to throw dirt 
on a guy's name who's not here. If it 
would have been about a politician, or 
somebody else powerful, there would be 
lawsuits. There would be hell to pay. It's 
a lack of respect when they deal with 
rappers. 

PLAYBOY: The guy who has cornered the 
market on disrespecting rap music is Bill 
O'Reilly. 

JAY-Z: He's just doing shock TV. Now he 
knows, “Oh shit, the power of hip-hop— 
if I say something about them, my rat- 
ings go right up.” 


JAY-Z 


THE BLUEPRINT? 


ШШШ 


[| He declares 


|| black boy” 


THE BLUEPRINT, 2001 
Jay-Z's masterpiece, written 
while he faced charges for 
gun possession and assault, 
celebrates his dick (Girls, 
Girls, Girls), drops play- 
ground pig latin into a Jack- 
son 5 sample (Izzo), matches 
wits with Eminem (Renegade) 
and talks shit at archrival 
Nas. He declares himself 
both “one smart black boy” 
and “the Sinatra of my 

day,” at least one of which 

is true. ж 
UNPLUGGED, 2001 
Putting out a greatest-hits 
package would be predicı- 
able, so he rerecorded his 
best-known songs live with 
the Roots, a 
great Philly 
band. Jay-Z has 
never sounded 
more loose or 
playful, and his 
rhymes on Jigga 
What, Jigga Who, 
a marvel of syn- 
copation and 
timing, prove 
how powerful 
live hip-hop can 
be. AAA A 

THE BLUEPRINT 2: THE 
GIFT & THE CURSE, 2002 
Out to prove his versatility— 
and bravery—he unspools a 
double CD as long as a Spiel- 
berg film. At an exhausting 
25 songs, it includes a rock 
song with Lenny Kravitz, a 
juicy duet with Beyoncé 
Knowles, plus paranoia, king- 
ly boasts, taunts and great 
jokes. wkx% 


himself 
“one smart 


and “the 
Sinatra of 


my day.” 


HARD KNOCK LIFE, 1998 
“I quit, I'm retiring,” he an- 
nounces at the start, but this 
record made Jay-Z a star: On 
Hard Knock Life, he rhymed 
over a kiddie chorus from the 
Broadway musical Annie. The 
songs are obsessed with sex 
and death, and don't take ei- 
ther one seriously. xx 


61 


PLAYBOY 


PLAYBOY: Would you ever go on his show 
and explain your point of view? 

JAY-Z: Why? He don't care. He's doing 
what he do—he's feeding his family. It's 
not about his understanding. I don't be- 
lieve he wants to understand. It’s obvi- 
ous he's not researching the truth. 
PLAYBOY: What's left for you to do that 
you haven't already? 

JAY-Z: Have kids. And run Universal Rec- 
ords. Not black music, either—I got to 
run the whole ship. ГЇ make it cool to be 
different. Don't sound like everybody 
else—we don't even accept that. I get joy 
just sharing my knowledge with artists, 
like a guru. Put the love back in music. 
Make a record you know will be some- 
body's song, will mark somebody's life. 
Don't sell records— 
make musi 
PLAYBOY: Universal is 
the biggest record 
company in the coun- 
try. It would be I 
to run the label w! 
you're a rapper. 
JAY-Z: That's what I'm 
saying: Next album 
is my last album. I'm 
freeing up my time 
The next one's com- 
ing with a book, so 
you know it's the end 
PLAYBOY: You say that 
you're going to re- 
cord only one more 
album, but you have 
been talking about 
retiring since your 
first record. 

JAY-Z: You don't un- 
derstand. When I 
said Reasonable Doubt 
was going to be my 
first and only album, 
1 meant it. “He made 
one album, then, puff, 


PLAYBOY: Here's a bet: We've got $20 that. 
says your next record isn't the last. 

JAY-Z: And if 1 make more than one al- 
bum, I give it back? 

PLAYBOY: No, you're giving us odds of 
50-1. If you lose, you pay us $1000. 

: That's a great bet. That's a won- 
1 bet. [Grabs the money, puts it in his 
pocket] 1 just got $20! And I'm gonna 
keep it, too. 

PLAYBOY: Fine, but we'll get our money in 
about 18 months, after you've made two 
more records. 

JAY-Z: Ya-ha ha! That's а great bet, for 
you. I would take that bet, too, 
switched. It'son tape, too. My integrity is 
legendary—I would never fuck you out 
of $20. If there's a discrepancy, I'll give it 


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he s gone with the | Ei жыгы 
wind.” But now I re- | gis Sores 


ally mean it. Write 
the book, release the 
Black Album, go head 
Universal. 

PLAYBOY: And maybe do a gues 
other people's records? 

JAY-Z: Not a guest spot at 50. That's dis- 
respectful. That's just embarrassing. 
PLAYBOY: You can't be a rapper at 502 
Jay-Z: No, forget it. Just a guru 

PLAYBOY: What's the Black Album? 

JAY-Z: It's my last album. I want it to be 
the prequel to Reasonable Doubt. 1 want 
my mother to open it, then I go through 
my life and end saying how I want to do 
Ain't No Nigga, which is my first hit, and 
trying to find a beat for it. “I keep it 
fresher than the next bitch” [the first line 
of Ain't No Nigga]. Then it ends. I want it 
to come out on November 28—Black Fri- 
day. Then, no more albums. 

PLAYBOY: You're a betting man, right? 


spot on 


62 JAY-Z: Mmm-hmm. 


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to you just so it won't be on our minds. 
PLAYBOY: Only one rapper has sold more 
records than you: Eminem. Is that be- 
cause he's white? 

JAY-Z: He's an extraordinary talent. He's 
a genius, bottom line. But race has some- 
thing to do with it. If you listen to his 
record White America, he addresses that 
topic. 

PLAYBOY: He says if he were black, he'd 
have sold half as many records. 

JAY-Z: Right. lt might be less than that 
[laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: So who are your peers? Who do 
you compete with? 

JAY-Z: There was one person: Big. If I 
heard Who Shot Ya? in a club, I would 
leave and go make some music. That's not 
10 take anything away from Eminem or 


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don't look at them as that. 
t's like when Michael Jordan 
Johnson. 


Magic had AIDS, he felt like he was 
cheating him. “You leaving now? Yo, 1 
need you. You're going to define my 
" It was selfish. 

Chen Jordan got bored and re- 
tired, like you're threatening to do. 
Jay-Z: See that? You just lost $20. 
PLAYBOY: No, because guess who's play- 
ing basketball tonight? Michael Jordan. 
JAY-Z: You know why you lose again? Be- 
cause Jordan stayed a year too much. 1 
wanna cry for him. Fuck! 

PLAYBOY: How's the rap game going to 
survive without you? 

JAY-Z: Hey, man, it had 
better find a way. It 
existed befo ne, and 
I'm sure it will exist 
after me. 

PLAYBOY: Rap appears 
simple because it’s 
just rhyming—but 
you need a lot more 
words and ideas in 
rap than you do in a 
рор song. 

JAY-Z: That's true. I 
mean, I wrote a cou- 
ple of pop songs for 
Mya. I just started 
doing that. And it's 
so easy. Repeat the 
words over again? 
And again? They re- 
peat not only the cho- 
ruses, they repeat the 
verses, too! 

PLAYBOY: Can you 
sing? 

JAY-Z: I can sing bad. 
PLAYBOY: At the Nets 
game, you sang what- 
ever song that came 
on, from Eminem to 
Whitney Houston 
And you knew all the 
words. 

JAY-Z: Yeah, I know a 
lot of songs. I store 
them. I'm an iPod, The human iPod. 
PLAYBOY: Something else that's new on 
Blueprint 2—your mistrust of women has 
softened. 

JAY-Z: Right. People already know my 
paranoia about women. Before I was а 
rapper who didn't know who his friends 
were, І was a hustler who didn't know 
who his friends were. When it's a song 
about women, it's usually the single, 
which makes people say, This guy is dis- 
sing women on every fucking record 
[Laughs] Big Pimpin’, Can 1 Get a Fuck You, 
those are the hits. But the slower ones 


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PLAYBOY: Do you think women are less 
trustworthy than men? 

JAY-Z: No. But guys don't want to date 
me for my money, so I don't have to 


worry about them. 

PLAYBOY: If you're going to have kids, 
you have to get over that paranoia. 
Jay-Z: Yeah. I'm learning, I'm growing. 
I'm growing slow. 

PLAYBOY: You tell a story in This Can't Be 
Life, that you were almost a father. True 
story? 
Jay-Z: Yeah. The girl I was seeing about 
four years ago had a miscarriage. But I 
wasn't sad. I didn't even grieve. Maybe it 
happened because I wasn't ready to be 
a dad. 

PLAYBOY: And now you're dating a wom- 
an who doesn't need your money, either. 
Jay-Z: 15 that right? 

PLAYBOY: How did you meet Beyoncé 
Knowles? 

JAY-Z; 1 used to see her all the time 
[Quickly] We're not engaged or anything, 
by the way. We're just cool. We're just 
friends. We don't really, ah, know each 
other like that yet. 

PLAYBOY: Just friends, like the way you 
and Memphis Bleek are just friends? 
JAY-Z: No, Beyoncé's a woman. A very 
attractive woman. But we're friends for 
now. Me and Bleek, we're tighter. I took 
him from the projects—I'm from 5С, 
he's from 3C. He's been with me since 
1994. Between Beyoncé and him? Be- 
yonce's got to go [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: Do you wish that she was your 
girlfriend? 

Jay-Z: She's beautiful. Who wouldn't 


wish she was their girlfriend? Maybe one 
day [smiles] 

PLAYBOY: We're not quite convinced. We 
know you like to keep parts of your life 
private. If she were your girlfriend, 
would you tell us? 

JAY-Z: Probably not. 

PLAYBOY: Well, you're pretty cool 
to read at times. 

Jay-z: Thank you, brother. [Raises a glass 
of Cristal} Toast to that. 

PLAYBOY: Does that create problems in 
relationships? 

Jay-z: Yeah, it could. I’m not the most 
I-love-you guy. That's one of my prob- 
lems. “What, you want me to tell you? 
Those are just words —everyone is going 
to tell you. Look at what I do.” I have to 
change that. 

PLAYBOY: How are you going to change 
that? 

Jay-z: 1 know it. That's half the battle. 
PLAYBOY: But only half. 

Jay-Z: But half! Shit. It was zero before— 


hard 


going to play ama- 
teur psychiatrist —— 
JAY-Z: That's what this feels like. 


PLAYBOY: Herc's what we would say: Asa 
kid, you loved your dad. But he left and 
you felt rejected, and that hurt so much, 
you don't want to love anyone else the 
same way 


itely. That could be 100 per- 
here's no worse pain. That's 


why a lot of things didn't affect me grow- 

ing up. 

PLAYBOY: For instance, you had a fight 

with your own brother, when you were 

12, and shot him. He lived, but it was an 

intense experience, 

JAY-Z: Yeah. [Pause] You know what? 

Let's not. I'll tell you that one day, you as 

a person. Does he have to relive it every 
me someone talks to me about it? Is 

that fair to him? 

PLAYBOY: Where did you get the gun? 

JAY-Z: That story's even worse. I was 12 

I didn't know better. The person who 

gave me the gun had to be 20 or 21— 

you're an adult. Damn, why would you 

do that? How could you even .. . 1 don't 

understand. But 1 can't blame nobody 

but myself. 

PLAYBOY: Someone gave you a gun so you 

could shoot your brother? 

Jay-z: [Pauses] Yeah. Terrible. That's the 

one thing to this day I regret. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you shoot him? 

JAY-Z: My brother was a really, really, re- 

ally tough person to get along with. He 

was messed up on drugs really bad. 

PLAYBOY: Did he forgive you? 

Oh, right away, and that made it 


wor: 
PLAYBOY: Then a few ycars later, when 
you were selling drugs, someone shot at 
you three times on the street. 

Jay-Z: It was a little bit farther than me 
to you. 


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PLAYBOY 


64 


PLAYBOY: Who shot at you? 

JAY-Z: 1 ain't going into that. I know who 
it was. He was a friend of mine. It was a 
misunderstanding. We've talked about it 
and laughed 

PLAYBOY: On Dead Presidents II, you talk 
about being shot at and say it was “divine 
intervention” you weren't killed. Do you 
think God protects drug dealers? 

JAY-Z: 1 think God protects anyone with a 
good heart. People say, "That's a comfort 
blanket so you can do whatever the fuck 
you want.” But my intention was good. 1 
was in a place where there's no hope. It 
was like, Fuck, man, I ain't going to con- 
tinue to live like this. Гуе got to do some- 
thing. Then I got addicted to that life. It 
was fun. It helped my situation, helped 
everyone around me. 

PLAYBOY: So how much money did you 
make back then? 

Jay-Z: 1 don't know the dollar amount. 
PLAYBOY: Two grand a week? Ten grand 
a week? 

JAY-Z: I did well. 

PLAYBOY: When you were dealing, did 
you use drugs? 

JAY-Z: No. Never. Га seen my brother. 
After my father, that was the next person 
I looked up to. He had all the girls, he 
played basketball. Then he was a whole 
different person. 

PLAYBOY: We've heard you only recently 
started smoking pot. 

JAY-Z: [Laughs] There would be 10 of us, 
out in the Hamptons, and we won't fin- 
ish one joint. "Ooh, we high!” “That's 
too strong! Put that out!” I don't smoke 
pot no more. 

PLAYBOY: From listening to your songs, 
people might believe that you're always 
drinking- 

JAY-Z: Cristal at 10 in the morning, right. 
Although I was drinking champagne 
and eating caviar this afternoon. 
PLAYBOY: Where? 

JAY-Z: I went shopping today, at Jacob 
the Jeweler. Had champagne and Belu- 
ga caviar. 

PLAYBOY: Were you buying a present for 
Beyoncé: 
JAY-Z: Ha-ha. No. 

PLAYBOY: Honestly? 

JAY-Z: | wouldn't tell you honestly. 
PLAYBOY: You frequently mention Cristal 
in your songs. Are you a connoisseur? 
Would you know it if you ordered Cris- 
tal, and someone brought you 
JAY-Z: Taittinger? Yeah, I would know 
right away. 

PLAYBOY: We heard you have a wrist- 
watch worth so much money, you won't 
wear it outside your house. 

JAY-Z: What kind of silly shit is that? 
Then why would I buy it? I got a onc-of- 
one, an Audemars Piguet. There's no 
other watch like it in the world. It's like a 
piece of art. 

PLAYBOY: How much did it cost? 

Jay-z: A little bit. I'm trying to get grown 
up and not talk about figures anymore. 
I'm learning that the big cats don't talk 


about money, only us ignorant rappers. 1 
have to get sophisticated with my paper. 
I'm not nouveau money. 

PLAYBOY: We should have interviewed 
you a few years ago, huh? 

JAY-Z: 1 would've gave it to you. You'd 
have known how much money I have 
right now. You'd know Roc-A-Fella was 
$400 million instead of $300 million— 
I'm not saying it, though. 

PLAYBOY: You just did! 

JAY-Z: 1 tried. Old habits are hard to 
break [laughs]. And you got me drinking 
this goddamn Cristal. 

PLAYBOY: Let's talk about sex. Which 
have you done more often, turned down 
sex or accepted it? 

JAY-Z: 1 think every artist has turned it 
down more. I hope. Shit [laughs]. If the 
place is filled with 20,000 people, 10,000 
of them are screaming women. I never 
got carried away. 1 have always been 
a person who's more interested in busi- 
ness first. 

PLAYBOY: If there's a beautiful woman on 
one side of the room, and a business deal 
on the other—— 

JAY-Z: Га take the business deal. Sorry. I 
know people will be like, "You fucking 
asshole! You dummy! 

PLAYBOY: You rapped with Eminem and 
DMX and Biggie, all of whom are high- 
ly respected. You also rapped with Puff 
Daddy and Ja Rule, who aren't respect- 
ed. Does it make a difference to you who 
you rap with? 

JAY-Z: 1 rap with people for different rea- 
sons. Sometimes I like them, sometimes 
1 respect them. 1 was on a Juvenile remix 
because I liked this record he had, called 
Ha. He did something new. So I called 
him and that I would love to do the 
remix. 

PLAYBOY: So why rap with Puffy? 

JAY-Z: I respect Puff on a creative level. 
As a rapper, you ain't got to respect him. 
As a producer, he gave Juicy to Biggie. 
Biggie didn't want to do it. [The song 
made Biggie a star.] "That beat is soft. I 
ain't doing that.” As a rapper, I can't say 
I want to hear him. He's not a rapper. 
PLAYBOY: Do you want to follow РиВу in- 
to movies? 

JAY-Z: 1 do. 1 have a bunch of scripts, 
from Wesley Snipes, Denzel. Chris Rock 
said, "Boy, you better take these movies. 
T here ain't no telling if you're going to 
be hot tomorrow." 

PLAYBOY: How about female rappers? 
Years ago, you had Queen Latifah, MC 
Lyte. Now all the top female rappers— 
Foxy Brown, Lil’ Kim—have to be sexy 
and trashy, wearing fur bikinis. Why is 
that? 

JAY-Z: Maybe it's because rap is so ап- 
gry. “Breakin’ off on a motherfucker 
like that!” A girl don’t have no street cred- 
ibility. You don't believe a girl when 
she’s saying, “I'm holding a gat to the 
motherfucker.” 

PLAYBOY: Especially if she’s wearing a fur 
bikini when she says it. 


JAY-Z: [Laughs] You're like, You can't run 
fast in those stilettos. 
PLAYBOY: Last year you made a record 
with R. Kelly, Best of Both Worlds. Just be- 
fore it came out, he was arrested on 21 
counts of child pornography, over a vid- 
cotape that seems to show him having 
sex with an underage girl. The music 
video you were going to make was can- 
celed, the tour was canceled, the record 
didn't sell. Was that your biggest disap- 
pointment in music? 
JAY-Z: I would say so. I had such high ex- 
pectations for it. I made the album with 
somebody I think is the greatest writer 
of our time. And we didn't finish we sto- 
ry, with the videos and perfor 
PLAYBOY: How did you find ont about the 
charges against him? 
JAY-Z: People were talking about it before 
the album. Damn, why didn't nobody 
tell me? It seems like this was a known 
fact for a while, and people just started 
telling me a week before the album 
dropped. “You didn't know?” Then it fi- 
nally hit the news. 
PLAYBOY: A lot of counts of child pornog- 
raphy. Do you think that Kelly’s career 
is over? 
JAY-Z: I have no idea. It’s going to be ге- 
ally tough. 
PLAYBOY: Do you think that he might be 
guilty? 
JAY-Z: 1 don’t want to speculate, man. I 
don't know what half of America is doing 
behind closed doors. When it's an enter- 
tainer, it's headline news. It ain't the first 
time it happened. Look at fucking Elv 
man. How old vas Priscilla when he mar- 
ried her? Eleven? 
PLAYBOY: And when Kelly married Aali- 
yah, she was 15. Doesn't that indicate a 
Sexual interest in underage women? 
JAY-Z: 1 miss Aaliyah. I hate that her 
name is even involved in these kinds of 
conversations. 
PLAYBOY: You've said before that rap is 
like wrestling. What do you mean? 
JAY-Z: When I say that, I'm talking about 
all the beefs going on. Everybody is from 
a place where they had nothing. Now 
they're getting a little bit of something — 
they're not going to risk that over "I 
rhyme better than you." All that mus- 
cling up, all that sticking out your chest, 
it's all wrestling. "Come here, boy!" No- 
body is gonna do nothing to nobody. It's 
all just a show. 
PLAYBOY: Just hype? 
JAY-Z: There you go. A lot of attention to 
your record. 
PLAYBOY: And yet rappers are always say- 
ing, "I'm keepin’ it real.” 
JAY-Z: Someone recently told me, “Real 
is just a foundation for a great fantasy.” 
That's deep. 
PLAYBOY: You've had a big battle with 
Nas—he made a song about you, you 
made a song about him, back and forth. 
If it was just wrestling, does that mean 
you never got mad? 

(continued on page 142) 


—— 


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We asked two hot 
women—one from Los 
Angeles, one from New 

York—to trade places and 
test a simple premise: If 
you want to get laid, 

get out of town 


n 


li lak ес 
by Anna David. 


In Los Angeles ı never find the men, only the boys. Per- 
haps because the town dream is celebrity (an excuse to play all 
day), the males here seem trapped happily in perpetual ado- 
lescence. It's all about games and sex and drinking, a film ex- 
ecutive says, pretty much summing up a typical LA boy's 
dream activities. Even the ones іп suits—the ones alleging to 
be men—seem interested only in chasing after the perfect 
newbies with enhanced bosoms who flood LAX daily (part of 
California's freshmeat-for-fresh-produce deal with the rest of 


the country). So convinced is the male Angeleno of his endless 
dating possibilities, LA girls have to get used to the fact that 
one day, out of the blue, he just may not call. The first boy who 
did this to me told me his reason years later: “You really need- 
ed to wax, baby,” he said, shrugging. “Down there.” Over time 
| gotused to it. But when | grew up and the men around me did- 
n't, | began to suspect that things might be radically different 
on the other coast. | decided a trip to New York was just what 
the waxer ordered. 


> the magazine guy 
“He's goodlooking, straight, the editor of a men's magazine, 
and I've never heard of him screwing over anyone | know. Either 


overs 


| went to the West Coast to accomplish two things: learn 
how to make a left-hand turn at a four-way intersection and get 
laid. 1 am a New Yorker to the bone— was born and bred in 
Brooklyn, learned to drive at 21 and have spent more time in 
cabs riding home from hookups than I've spent hooking up. But 
lately I've grown sick of the city; it's gotten to the point where 
I'm dating the same guys over and over again. | wanted to go 
someplace shiny, new and carefree, where all the women 
looked like whores and the men looked gay. | wanted to get 
busy with actors, agents, rock singers and valets. In a city of 
movers and shakers, | wanted a piece of the action. 

I arrive at the Maison 140 hotel in Beverly Hills in the late af- 
ternoon, feeling happy to be alive. When | pull away from the 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANTOINE VERGLAS 


you've managed in one night to uncover New York's undiscov- 
ered gem or there's something really wrong with this picture.” 

So says a friend of mine—one of those beautiful, cynical 
publishing girls who has a firm grasp on her city's dating 
scene—when | tell her about making out with high-powered 
Magazine Guy in the cab the night before. 

At first I'm horrified and feel defensive on his behalf, but | 
slowly realize she has a point. Nongeeky Magazine Guys, an 


airport on La Cienega I'm so nervous | can't switch lanes, but | 
breathe slowly and aim high at the wheel. By the time | make it 
to Beverly Hills, I'm talking on my cell phone, smoking and turn- 
ing (right) all at once. 

My hotel is a tiny B-and-B, all black and red with an Asian 
theme. As soon as | get to my room I'm horny. It's small and 
warm, with a king-size bed that’s so soft and inviting | want to 
share it with somebody, soon. | wash my face and head out in 
search of some Californication. 


I park on Sunset Boulevard to look for men, and as | walk down 
the street | notice something strange: Every single guy is star- 
ing at me, smiling. Sure, my hair's blown out straight as Bar- 
bie's and I'm in gold strappy sandals and a tight black tank top. 
But, still, it catches me off guard. New Yorkers spend most of 
their time figuring out how not to look at each other; here ev- 
eryone acts like the world is TV, And because all the men are 
Adonises, with high foreheads and tan skin, I'm surprised to find 
the leering flattering. They look like models and behave like 
construction workers—what more could a gal ask for? 
Suddenly, | get distracted by my car. Even though the park- 
ing spot appears legal, | feel certain there's some obscure 


only-in-New York phenomenon, are intellectual rock gods to us 
Magazine Girls; if Viggo Mortensen and Dave Eggers could 
morph into one creature (who also had the power to hire us at 
a competitive salary or at least give us that world-weary-but- 
wise girl column we've been aching to write), he'd be the Mag- 
azine Guy. We definitely don't have MGs in LA. 

І meet him at the Hudson, lan Schrager's newest hotel, 
during an allegedly exclusive party for something no one in 


attendance seemed to be sure of. It's my first evening in town 
and I'd slept maybe three hours the night before and not at all 
on the plane. 1 arrive feeling self-conscious about my outfit, a 
hybrid of New York and Los Angeles sensibilities—little black 
dress over Juicy jeans with a pair of slip-on Jimmy Choos—and 
I'm fully aware that | have dressed for the girls, not for the 
guys. (In New York, trendiness is everything; in Los Angeles, as 
long as it's sexy, it doesn't matter how last year it is.) Two sec- 
onds after | walk into the hotel, a girl gives me the up-and-down 
and promptly spills a drink on me. 

Admittedly, I'm not in the best frame of mind to meet a guy. 
He's introduced to me by Peter, a friend who claims to never 
go out. In New York that seems to mean going to fewer than 
nine bars a night, because people are always clapping him on 
the back and saying things like, "Didn't last night go off?” Or 
“You'll be at Sway tomorrow night, right?" Upon first glance Im 
not particularly impressed with Magazine Guy—or, more accu 
rately, I'm not impressed with how not impressed he seems to 
be with me. He's dark-haired and tall and appropriately chis- 
eled. However, he is far more interested in chatting with an es- 
sentially incoherent Page Six reporter than he is in charming 
writers from the left coast. | inform Peter that | find Magazine 
Guy cheesy and way too into himself. 

The next night after dinner | go to meet Peter, who happens 
to be having drinks with Mr. Magazine and some other guys. 
From the get-go, Magazine Guy's attitude has undergone a 
180. Before | even sit down in the chair he's suddenly made 


available by his side, he's tossing out those you-know.youlook- 
exactly-like compliments. I'm sensing that getting a guy's at- 
tention in New York can be difficult, but once you have it, it's an 
easy thing to hold. 

Later, after MG and | have succeeded in holding each other's 


regulation | don't know about. | spot a Nicolas Cage look-alike 
in a polka-dot shirt coming toward me. Just as | say, “Excuse 
me,” he says, “Excuse me,” too. 

“You go first,” | say. 

“| was just going to tell you how beautiful you are,” he says 
with an English accent. 

“Thank you,” | say. “How many women do you stop on the 
street and say that to?” 

“Depends how many | see.” 

“What's beautiful about me?” 

“Well, if you really want to know, your face and your breasts,” 
he says, and giggles. “What were you going to ask me?” 

“Whether you think that’s a legal spot over there.” 

“| have no idea,” he says. "I'm from England. My name's Col- 
in. I'm a race car driver on the Gumball Rally. We just drove 
across the country to raise money for September 11.” 

| peer at him through his tinted Armani glasses and am sur- 
prised to find I feel no fear. I'm a babe and he stopped me to 
say so. | have to seize the day. 

“What kind of car did you drive?” 

“A Ferrari.” 

"Mmm," | purr. “Why don't you take me for a ride in it?" 

“My insurance ran out, so | can't. We could sit in it, though." 


SEX IN 
` NEW YORK 


SEX IN 
LOS ANGELES "$ 


CELEB WHO NAILED HER DURING 
HER FIRST WEEK IN TOWN 


Scott Baio 


Matt Dillon 


FAVORITE FOREPLAY 


Asking, “Why do you 
think you'd be right for 
this part?” 


EXOTIC SPOT TO GET ІТ ОМ 


Unfolding the futon 


Hef’s Grotto 


BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICE 


Magnums 


TABOO DATE 


KINKY SEX TOY 


The screenplay 
you’ve been trying to slip 
her boss 


Plastic replica 
of the Empire 
State Building 


LOCAL EUPHEMISM FOR HER ANATOMY 
The South Central hood 


Gramercy Cavern 


LOCAL EUPHEMISM FOR YOUR ANATOMY 


Santa Monica Pier The New York Post 


DISTURBING THOUGHT TO STAVE OFF CLIMAX 


УА <Q 
Letterman in 


free-throw the throes 
percentage of ecstasy 


POSTCOITAL REMARK 


“I'm afraid that's 
property of the FDNY, 
ma’am—so please let go 
of the hose.” 


“OK, that’s a wrap.” 


IN 20 YEARS SHE'LL LOOK LIKE 


A handbag Donald Trump 


attention for a good hour, he starts exploiting his job merci- 
lessly by telling me about an article that he's editing on cun- 
nilingus. He says he would tell me what the article espouses 
but that it's actually something far easier to show than it is to 
tell. | gulp. Later, when he asks me if | want to share a cab— 
explaining that his West Village apartment is on my way back to 
Brooklyn Heights—I say yes. 

Now, if we were in LA, this would mean we'd leave together 
and then being the chick—would decide, depending on a zil- 
lion tiny occurrences and whims, whether we're embarking on 
a random night of sin or just a kiss and number exchange. | fig- 
ure it's the same thing in New York, only with a chauffeur. Once 


ensconced in the cab, he starts giving me a back rub—a real- 
ly good back rub—that evolves into kissing. As the cab pulls up 
outside his apartment, he starts saying things. They're a jum- 
ble of last-minute, nonsensical utterances meant to persuade 
me to get out here rather than continue on to Brooklyn, some- 
thing about how he has a king-size bed and a queensize one, 
and I could sleep in either. | keep kissing him. I'm somewhat 
self-conscious and aware of the cabbie a few feet away. De 
Niro's Taxi Driver line about how he always had to wash off the 
seats at the end of the night twists its way through my mind, UF 
timately | say no. | tell MG that he could be Norman Bates in 
Psycho and | wouldn't know it. He (continued on page 154) 


He holds his arm out for me and we go to a lot across the 
street. His car's а 550 Barchetta Pininfarina. I've never seen 
anything so sexy in my life. It's sleek and low and my ass sinks 
in so deep | feel paraplegic. 

He puts on Frank Sinatra singing Autumn in New York. The 
combination of Old Blue Eyes and new blue eyes, not to men- 
tion the small, enclosed space, makes me weak. I'd never get 
in a car with a strange guy in New York—not even a parked 
one—but Colin's so cheerful | don't feel afraid. In fact | feel. . . . 

“Do you want to kiss me, Colin?” 

“Yeah, sure,” he says. | pucker up. We kiss, deep and souk 
ful, as Sinatra continues to сгооп, He pulls away and says, 
“What are you doing tonight?” 

“Im not sure.” 

“Why don't you come to my hotel? The Mondrian, room 602.” 

“Mmm,” | say. “I'll definitely think about it.” 

I can't believe it. I've been in LA only a couple of hours and 
already I've sat in a Ferrari, smooched a boy and have sex lined 
up for the night. | wind up not going because | have a date with 
an agent, but as | walk to my car | smile, knowing | can. 


> the age 


Jack, 34, is a Hollywood agent, a friend of a friend. We talk 
over the phone and | ask him where (continued on page 78) 


PLAYBOY: What's the differ- 
ence between New York men 
and LA men? 

Sarah Silverman, comedian: 
New York balls are bigger 
and browner and LA balls 
are closer to the body and 
pinker. But that's probably 
because of the humidity. 
PLAYBOY: What about guys 
who take the hair off their 
balls? y 

Silverman: That's so nasty. / 
like a big bush. No shaving 
anywhere. That's gay. ІҒ your 
man does that, he's gay. 
That's how you know. 
PLAYBOY: Who's better in bed— 
LA men or New York men? 
Silverman: Fat guys, be- 
cause they try so hard and 
they've learned a lot from 
pornography. 


(Silverman lives in LA) 


“Fashion victims give hotter sex.” 


ROCK 


MOST OF US WANT TO BE MUSICIANS. 
TURNS OUT, MUSICIANS WANT TO BE 
US. WE INVITED A FEW INTO OUR 
STUDIOS AND LET THEM GO WILD 


SHOTS 


TAKE EQUAL PARTS SEX AND ROCK AND ROLL AND ADD A DASH OF YOUR 
RECREATIONAL INTOXICANT OF CHOICE. Now shake it, baby, shake it. Оһ, and 
garnish with a camera. That's the recipe for a rock shot. We grew weary of the pre- 
dictable photo shoots of hip-hoppers and hard-core tuffs that other magazines run— 
cross your arms, make a hand gesture, glower. Click. So instead of shooting ghetto 
Glam shots of the stars, we shuffled them into a studio along with some girls with seri- 
ous depth of field and invited them to take some pictures. At the beginning of each 
shoot, our guest photographers—Nelly, Ja Rule, Korn's Jonathan Davis, DMX and Xzib- 
it—were surprisingly shy. Fortunately, they all took advice gracefully. (Like, do you think 
you want to ask herto take her thong off?) Once things got rolling, the perfectionism that 
got each to the top of the music game came into play. The hardest part for us? Trying to 
quell rivalries. Each star wanted to know how he stacked up against the rest. Each want- 
ed to be sure he was the best because they all wanted to be asked back. 


Nicole Narain, take off all her clothes. Of course, once she did, it began to sizzle. 
think his favorite shots were of me turning around,” Nicole. “He's a butt guy. 
turn around and show him a little ass and he was like, Hey, all right, now we're talk- 
Yeah, well, he's a guy who knows where the party's at, as one of the hits on his 
„platinum debut, Country Grammar, makes clear. And this guy is no Sisqo—his 
follow-up, Nellyville, spawned two top 10 songs simultaneously and continues to sell 
bucketloads. In fact, Nelly changed the hip-hop map. By putting St. Louis on it, he dis- 
rupted the nctions between East Coast, West Coast and dirty South. Still, his favorite 
spot may well prove to be the Playboy Mansion. Nelly says he's ready to help us out 
again. “Anytime, anyplace—let me know,” says Nelly. “And if you don’t ask me again, 
I'm going to be mad. I might call your ass.” 


Іс not particularly hot in our studio, but Nelly still suggested that Miss January 2002 


SEE SEXY AND NUDE BEHIND-THE-SCENES VIDEO АТ CYBER.PLAYBOY.COM. 


NICOLE NARAIN BY NELLY 


got behind the camera. He want- 
ed two girls, and he wanted them 
to be game for his bold artistic vision 
Ja's rule number one? Start the party 
right. Sure, he had a camera in one 
hand. In the other he switched between 
a flute of champagne and a smoke. “I 
like the playful shit,” Ja Rule said by 
way of a pep talk for Miss June 2002, 
Michele Rogers (who is brunette), and 
Miss May 2002, Christi Shake (who is 
blonde). “Come on, give it to me now 
ea j Whenever you see this camera start 
Y blasting, just work." That was aclever— 
a and eflective—tactic, as it turned out 
“ЖА Just look at these photos. No wonder 
he had such fun. Even a guy with three 
latinum records and movie roles in 
Crime Partners, Half Past Dead and The 
Fast and the Furious was impressed with 
a day spent in our shoes. “Gould I be 
PLAYBOY's personal rapper?" he asked 
irthday parties, bar mitzvahs—what- 
ever y'all need.” 


J a Rule laid down the law when he 


ROGERS & SHAKE BY JA RULE 


onathan Davis sings in the hard- 
ل‎ core behemoth Korn. The band 
redefined the term family values 
with their tour of the same name—and 
they discovered Limp Bizkit. As if that 
weren't enough, the band’s albums Fol- 
low the Leader and Issues both debuted 
at number one on the charts. (Their lat- 
est, Untouchables, sold just as quickly as 
the others but had the misfortune of 
debuting while Eminem was hogging 
the number one slot.) Sure enough, 
when Davis followed us into the studio, 
he had issues. His fiancée had given 
the ixnay to Jonathan's shooting a Play- 
mate. Luckily, she's porn star Deven 
Davis, and she volunteered to be his 
Those of you who have studied 

Perfect Pink in Paris know why Jona- 
than's ball and chain was more than 
welcome in our studio. Together, they 
assembled a particularly intimate port- 
folio. We're a bit worried, though, about 
their steamy romance—their kids would 


be children of the Korn. қ { 


EVEN DAVIS BY JONATHAN DAVIS 


HEATHER 


J hen we let DMX try 
\/ his hand at our job for 
Y a day, we held high 
hopes. And not because he's a 
creative multitalent with suc- 
cessful careers in hip-hop and 
Hollywood. Nope. We were ex- 
cited because he's the guy who 
named an album And Then There 
Was X. It’s a philosophy we rate 
high. And DMX didn't let us 
down. In fact. there were mo- 
ments when we thought he was 
ready to declare, And Then There 
Was XXX. “How could anyone 
not love this?” he asked as he 
crossed his arms in an X to 
show our Special Editions mod- 
el Heather McQuaid just how 
he wanted her legs. We assume 
it was a rhetorical quesion—we 
all love it. Like everybody else, 
we have days when we wake up 
hungover, cranky and unable to 
sing the praises of public trans- 
portation. And even though we 
will never star opposite Jet Li— 
as DMX has done twice, in Romeo 
Must Die and Cradle 2 the Grave 
our moods brighten when we 
walk into the office to find wom. 
en lined up in the lobby to pose 
for test shots, happily removing 
their tight tops and begging us 
to take more Polaroids of them— 
from behind. 


B Y 


WS zbit pulled up to the stu- 
6 «сіп his silver Escalade 
V and surveyed the situa- 
tion. April 2002 Cyber Girl of 
the Month Carolee Bass was 
standing there in a red mesh 
top and a buns-hugging denim 
skirt. The cameras were loaded 
and the lighting was just right 
You could tell he understood 
how special the task was. “You 
know what the word of the day 
is?” he asked. “Hef.” His grati 
tude was matched only by his 
tireless professionalism—Xzibit 
stayed for four hours and shot 
more than a dozen rolls of film 
During that time his metamor 
phosis was completed. He went 
from nervous neophyte to fas 
tidious artiste, climbing up lad 
ders, adjusting the lighting, di- 
recting his model. “I'm not 
your run-of-the-mill photogra 
pher, man,” he said after about 
three hours of shooting. “I A 
have vision. It's all about trans- 
lating emotion onto film, per- 
manently catching that so 1 
can display it for the millions 
of people who enjoy reading 
PLAYBOY. I'm no joke, brother." 
We settled onto the couch with 
a bone-dry martini, waiting for 
his enthusiasm to flag. Hours 
later, it wasn't even at half-mast 


CAROLEE BASS BY XZIBIT 


78 


sex €. 2 cities-Amy 

(continued from page 70) 
we're going. He says, “I'll decide that," in a gruff, big-penis 
voice. At seven o'clock | hear a knock on my hotel room door. 
I crack it and he pushes it wide open. | can't believe my eyes. 
Though he's by no means a tall man, he has the strong jaw of 
someone who works out too much, and high, dark hair. He's 
wearing a Hugo Boss suit. | feel my 
tofuck-or-notfuck bar begin to lower. 
1 can't remember the last time | had a 
man pick me up for a date, much less 
wearing something with lapels. 

“it's such a pleasure to meet you,” | 
say, licking my freshly glossed lips. 
(Within 24 hours in town I have mas- 
tered the LA bitch look: high-heeled 
car shoes, heavy makeup, a bit of 
midriff showing at all times.) 

“Nice to meet you, too,” he says, 
giving me a once-over. 

We walk outside. | love that | don't 
have to take а jacket. Іп New York you 
dress up then cover up, because you 
want the right guys to notice you and 
the wrong guys not to. Here you're 
protected by the metal of a car, so 
you can dress like Pamela Anderson 
without fear of catcalls. 

Jack leads me to a cobalt-blue vin- 
tage convertible from the Sixties. He 
opens the door. “Wow,” I say. I don't 
tell him that I've already made out in 
a Ferrari. 

We cruise down Wilshire, the en- 
gine rumbling loudly. | stare out the 
window, feeling like the sexy bitch of 
a powerful man. A BMW pulls up next 
to us and Jack says, “That's Brad 
Grey.” Brad Grey is with his wife, talk- 
ing on his cell phone while she stares 
straight ahead, and | think maybe it's 
more fun to hang with someone pow- 
erful for a night than for life. 

The restaurant is a hip place in San- 
ta Monica called Sushi Roku. It's dark 
and powerful, kind of like my date. As 
we step up to the host station we see 
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt having 
dinner in a booth to the right. 

“Am | good or am | good?” Jack 
asks me. 

“You're good.” Brad Grey and his 
wife come in behind us and join Jen- 
nifer and Brad in the booth. 

"They're following us," | whisper. 

Jack and | are seated and he orders Sapporo and sake. “So, 
do you get stressed out by your work?” | ask. 

“| never leave the house without my ego and ambition,” he 
says, staring at my breasts. “But | try to keep a healthy dis- 
tance between my work and myself. | want to be a good man, 
not a great man.” 

"| bet you've said that before,” I tell him. 

“Of course | have,” he says. 

“What makes an agent good?” 

“Опе, he has to make his client money. Two, he has to in- 
spire his client to greatness. Three, he has to make his client 
money.” I'm relieved that we haven't eaten our dinner yet; oth- 
erwise | would be vomiting. 

Over sushi that I let him order, we get to know each other 


“Within hours | 
have mastered the 
LA bitch look: high- 
heeled car shoes, 

heavy makeup, a 
bit of midriff show- 
ing at all times.” 


better. He's inquisitive, but when | tell him I wrote a novel he 
doesn't appear to be impressed. | figure in this town a novelist 
has less clout than a colorist. | ask him whether he ever wor- 
ries that women are only interested in him because of his suc- 
cess. He says, "| am far too vain to come to terms with the pos- 
sibility that a woman might go on a date with me for any reason 
other than that I'm a first-rate human being.” | laugh at his 
hubris and he smiles in a way that makes me unsure wheth- 
er he's joking. 

When ме finish our food | tell him I 
want to go outside and smoke a ciga- 
rette—you can't smoke inside—and 
he says he'll come with me. We run 
into an African American movie exec: 
utive he knows who's waiting for his 
car. “You know what | need?” the guy 
says. "Fucking white material. All | get 
is black shit." 

“Embrace it," Jack says. "Because 
there's a real market there.” 

The friend speeds off and | light my 
cigarette. Jack bums one. It seems 
being a smoker in California is kind of 
like being a gay celebrity: You do 
what you do, but you don’t want any- 
one to know. 

After dinner we go to the parking 
lot and get into his car. He doesn't ask 
me where | want to go, we just drive. 
After a while, | put my hand on his 
neck and when I take it away, he says, 
“Don't stop. My neck is killing me.” I 
roll my eyes and squeeze a little. 

We creep up into the Hollywood 
Hills. His house is modest and sparse 
and there's a ton of boxes in the living 
room; he’s moving the next day. 

We go out onto the terrace, which 
overlooks the Los Angeles basin, glow- 
ing and bright. “This view can be very 
beautiful,” he says, “and the most de- 
pressing thing that you've ever seen 
when you're lonely.” 

“Where are you moving?” 

“To my place in Malibu for now. 1 
got an offer on this | thought | should 
take, but now I have seller's remorse. 
You know what my problem is? I'm 
always looking for something better 
than what | have.” 

| start thinking how men really do 
tell you everything you need to know 
right away. We return to the living 
room and | sit down. He goes to the 
kitchen and brings back two Playboy 
tumblers filled with single-malt on the 
rocks. We clink and drink and then he asks me to sit on his lap. 
After a little bit of grinding, our paws disappear. 

“Oh my God!" I cry, yanking my hand from his chain. 

"What?" 

"You have less hair than | do! I've been outvained" He grins 
slyly. "Who does that for you?" 

“Who do you think? | do." My hand roams around listlessly, 
but the lack of Chia on his pets is so intimidating that 1 have to 
move it away. 

"Before | leave this house, there's something | want to do 
that I've never done,” he says. "I'm hoping you'll want to do it, 
too. It involves the balcony." 

Hmmm, | think. At least it seems this won't involve my having 
to touch them. (continued on page 158) 


ooks like we've taken care of the enemy and pretty much everything else. 


“L 


79 


By Stephen Reid 


THELASTSCORE 


THE COKE IS 
SCREAMING 
THROUGH MY 
BLOOD, BUT THE 
HEROIN BEGINS 
TO WHISPER 
BACK AND | 
SETTLE INA 

BIT, WIPE THE 
SWEAT AND 
SCAN THE TRAFFIC. 


Stephen Reid in lockup. The press called him “the bank robber turned novelist turned bank robber again 


he man seemed to have it all. Money. Fame. A family. And a her- 
oin habit that was about to destroy everything 

At one time Stephen Reid was the most notorious bank robber 
in North America. As “tactician and chief gunslinger” of the 
three-man Stopwatch Gang in the Seventies, he led a string of 
bank jobs throughout the States and Canada, raking in some 
$15 million. Carrying heavy artillery and a stopwatch, Reid and 
his gang hit more than 100 banks—always in and out in less 
than two minutes. They made the FBI's most wanted list. The 
bureau called them “the best in the business.” 

In 1980 Reid was busted for a San Diego heist. While serving 
14 and a half years in a maximum security prison, he wrote a 
novel, which landed in the hands of Canadian poet Susan Mus- 
grave. Not only did Musgrave succeed in having Jackrabbit Pa- 
role published in 1986, but she also married Reid while he was 
still in prison. The book flew off the racks. When Reid walked in 
1987, he sold his life story to Hollywood. Brad Pitt was men- 
tioned for the leading role. With cash in the bank, Reid and Mus- 
grave were living happily ever after. 

This was not to be. One day in early 1999 Reid “discovered 
coke and heroin in the same spoon,” as he says. Three months 
later Reid, 49, was $90,000 in debt, with gangsters hot on his 
tail. He was desperate. And he saw only one way out. 


9, 1999, Victoria, British Columbia. It's 9:15 a.m., Pa- 
cific Standard Time. Coming out of the Shell station toilet, my head 
rocking from a fresh jolt of heroin and cocaine, I realize this morning 
is about to become anything but standard. I climb into the passenger 
side of a hot-wired Dodge, the backseat loaded with enough artillery to 
light up a small country. The bank is six blocks away. 

Ме nose into the Fairfield Road turn lane, hook a right on red and 
start south down Cook Street. The coke is screaming through my 
blood, but the heroin begins to whisper back. I wipe the sweat off my 
face with my forearm and scan the traflic. 1 can't believe 1 let myself get 
mangled on dope before the score. This job feels so far out of pocket, 1 
should report it to Ripley's 

Behind the wheel is a 32-year-old junkie, a toothpick of a man with a 
lint-ball hairdo and the wild eyes ofan amateur. Lint Ball is a nodding 
acquaintance, someone I occasionally bumped into in the hallway out- 
side the apartment of an Asian drug dealer. I promoted him last night. 
partly because of his ability to hot-wire an ignition and steal a саг, 
a talent I've never acquired. The motor coughs black blood, threat- 
ens to die. Lint Ball twitches in his seat. He and this primer-painted 


82 


TheLastSc 


Bank Camera 


Above: Surveillance video captures a precision Stopwatch Gang heist in September 1980 (Reid is in black suit and 
beard), a sharp contrast to Reid's final score. Below: Reid's wife, poet Susan Musgrave, was besieged by the press. 


scrap of 
a getaway car have one thing in com- 
mon: They're mutts. 

We roll carefully down the sloping 
pavement into Cook Street Village, a 
gentrified hub of small shops and busi- 
nesses: two cafes, both with patios, a 
peak-roofed wine outlet, a florist shop 
that spills onto the sidewalk, a trendy 
launderette and an English pub. The 
village is less than three blocks long, 
bookended by the Royal Bank of Can- 
ada and a Mac’s Milk. We pass by the 
Mac's Milk. 

Great horse chestnut and elm trees 
line both sides of the street. A light 
breeze is making the leaves tremble so 
their mingling shadows on the side- 
walk look like little fish kissing. A cou- 
ple strolls by, he with a cell phone to his 
ear, she with a sweater tied around her 
waist. People sit at sidewalk tables sip- 
ping foamy coffees, folded newspapers 
on their laps. The whole morning and 
the people in it seem clear and bright— 
everything I'm not 

If ever there were a time to bail, it's 
now. But I'm on desperation row, all 
out of options. I am 90 grand deep in- 
tothe pockets of a Toronto crew known 
as the Graduates (from the school of 


STACKS OF 5105 
AND $20S 

ARE FLYING 

INTO THE DUFFEL 
BAG IN THREE- 
FOOT LENGTHS 
BUT IT’S TAKING 
TOO LONG TO 
WITHDRAW AND 
UNLOAD 

EACH CASSETTE. 


hard knocks). Tomorrow is payday and 
I've stalled long enough. I have every 
intention of meeting their plane. With 
their dinero. 

I tug on my gloves and motion to 
Lint Ball, “Go around the block. I need 
more time.” We pass the bank. He takes 
a right at the next street and turns to 
me. “You sure you're all right?” he 
says. “You don't look so good.” 


, He went mad, poet says 


TIMES COLONIST 


IN JAMES TAY 


SHOOTC 


Fe Е 


1 want to tell him to look in the mir- 
гог. “Just drive.” 

As Lint Ball circles, I haul the heavy 
zippered duffel bag from the backseat 
onto my lap. By the time he pulls into 
the rear parking lot of the bank, Гуе 
checked the load on an Ithaca 12 
gauge pump and secured a -44 Mag- 
num in the holster on my hip. Under a 
blanket in the back lies my last resort: a 


Friends of Stephen Reid—many of whom got to know him after the publication of his best-selling novel, Jackrabbit 
Parole—expressed disbelief over his violent return to crime. Reid is currently doing time in British Columbia. 


Chinese assault rifle with a clip of 21 
steel jackets, each bullet the length ofa 
basketball player's finger. It's a chase 
gun, one that will discourage even the 
baddest dog from biting our tires 

Lint Ball jumps on the brakes. I ad- 
just the eyeholes on a flesh-toned face 
mask and exit the still-rocking car. Lop- 
ing alongside the bank, hugging the 
red-brick wall, 1 hurry toward the front 
entrance holding the диве loosely, my 
head to the ground. No telling what 
sort of spectacle my homemade cop uni- 
form is making. swar ball cap. A jacket 
with ponce stenciled on the back. I 
need enough of a pay-no-mind to get 
myself inside the bank, but the cheap 
Halloween mask attracts some double 
takes. It’s supposed to be realistic—a 
guy's face, just not mine. But the lips 
are painted target red. I look more like 
Bank Robber Barbie than a facsimile 
of a cop. 

My last thought before I step inside 
that bank: How the hell did I end up here? 
I place a gloved hand on the crossbar 
to the glass doors and push through. 


Three months earlier. Three o'clock 
in the afternoon, March 13—my 49th 


FOR ONE 
GLORIOUS 
MOMENT, WHEN 
THAT SHOTGUN 
BUCKS AGAINST 
MY SHOULDER 
AND ALL FOUR 
TIRES LEAVE THE 
GROUND, I'M NO 
LONGER BOUND 
TO THIS EARTH. 


birthday. I was nursing a sense of de- 
tachment while staring out the window 
of the Herald Street Caffe into one of 
those brilliant champagne days that 
come to Victoria in the early spring. 
The waiter delivered a chocolate torte 
with a lit sparkler, and our whole table, 
a birthday gathering of six other Pisces 
poets and writers, erupted into ap- 
plause. Years ago, when we discovered 


that a bunch of us had birthdays clus- 
tered together, we began this annual 
lunch, calling ourselves the Fish Poets 
Lunch Bandits. 

Somewhere between the unfinished 
torte and my third refusal of Arma- 
gnac, 1 began to distance myself from 
the comfortable banter around the ta. 
ble. My friends were happy about their 
gardens, happy with their ex-partners, 
happy but self-deprecating about their 
publishing successes and literary prize 
nominations. They were smart, sensi- 
tive and sensible people: the architects 
of their own lives. 1 saw in them an es- 
sential wholeness—something I lacked. 
I made my excuses and left the lun- 
cheon early. 

Since leaving prison 12 years ago I 
had wanted desperately to build some- 
thing of my life, too. Га made the jour- 
ney from junkie and FBI most wanted 
bank robber to best-selling novelist. I'd 
married one of the most interesting 
and beautiful women on the planet. We 
were raising two pieces of magic to- 
gether, our daughters, Sophie and Char- 
loue. The garden was planted, the wood- 
shed was full, the mortgage was paid. 
Yet that essential wholeness eluded 
me, as if the life I wanted were taking 


83 


WHEN AND WHERE: February 28, 1997, Bank of Amer- 
ica, North Hollywood, California 

THE PLAN: Right out of Heat. Emil Matasareanu 
and Larry Phillips Jr. don black clothes, masks and 
body armor. Armed with assault rifles, they storm 
the bank just after it opens. A fortified Chevy sedan 
waits in the parking lot. 

WHAT WENT WRONG: Angry at their $304,000 take, 
the bandits beat a bank officer. Police arrive, Clos- 
ing off streets. A shootout begins as the duo exit— 
two robbers with automatic weapons versus 350 
cops with pistols and shotguns. Police run into a 
nearby gun shop for more weapons and ammo. 

JUST DESERTS: Phillips tries to escape on foot while 
shooting at news helicopters; a sharpshooter kills 
him. Matasareanu takes off in the car and is sur- 
rounded by SWAT gunmen; he surrenders after be: 
ing hit 29 times, and bleeds to death in the street. 


WHEN AND WHERE: March 17, 1997, Lindell Bank 
and Trust, St. Louis 

THE PLAN: Billie Allen and Norris Holder storm the 
bank armed with АК-475. Two stolen vans are to be 
the escape vehicles—the duo plans to drive one to 
nearby Forest Park and set it on fire to destroy evi- 
dence, then drive away in the second. 

WHAT WENT WRDNG: Allen shoots and kills a bank 
security guard. As they speed off in one van, they 
douse the interior with gas. But when one of them 
tests his lighter, he accidentally sets his shirt on fire. 
The flames quickly spread. Ammo in the van starts 
going off as the fire intensifies. Some of the $50,000 
in loot burns. 

JUST DESERTS: Allen and Holder abandon the van, 
which is spotted by police. Holder is arrested at the 
scene His duct-taped artificial leg falls off as he 
tries to escape. Allen is arrested the next day. 


WHEN AND WHERE: December 29, 1993, Central 
Florida Educators' Federal Credit Union, Edge- 
wood, Florida 

THE PLAN: A quartet of thieves has a simple plan: 
Three of them will enter the bank at 10 a.m. and de- 
mand money. The fourth will wait outside to drive 
the getaway car. 

WHAT WENT WRONG: While the group is speeding 
away from the crime, a dye pack explodes in a 
stack of bills that's deep inside one robber's pants. 
Fumes from the pack are so intense that the thieves 
start throwing money out the window of the car. 
drawing the attention of a passing deputy sherifi 

JUST DESERTS: In the resulting chase, the driver 
loses control of the getaway car, which skids into a 
house. One of the four is caught immediately. Using 
dogs and a helicopter, the three others are found in 
nearby woods. One has shredded pants. 


TheLastScore 


place in a different world than the one 
1 belonged in. 

These days my life was defined by 
exes—ex-smoker, ex-con, ex-bank rob- 
ber, ex-addict. 1 tried hard to inhabit 
my mended ways, but with every obli- 
gation upheld and responsibility met, 
there came not only a sense of well- 
being but also an unsettling sense 
that this life had been too precariously 
constructed, 

Driving aimlessly, I made an im- 
promptu stop in the familiar three- 
block enclave of Cook Street Village. I 
sat down at a small table on the raised 
patio of Cafe Mocha and ordered a lat- 
te. An old man shuffled by, his body 
bent like the drooping ash of a ciga- 
rette. He scowled and struck out with 
his cane as if full of loathing for the 
ground he walked upon. Was this how 
it all turned out? You build your life 
and wind up near the end getting mad 
at a sidewalk? 

1 abandoned my latte, started down 
the steps to street level and found my- 
self facing an old red-brick building— 
the Royal Bank of Canada. I laughed 
upon seeing the royal lions in navy 
blue and gold mounted on either side 
of the glass doors to the lobby. I had cut 
my teeth on the Royal Bank, and in my 
ensuing criminal career had walked 
past those roaring lions carrying guns 
and wearing masks more times than I 
cared to count. Once, years before, 1 
came out of a branch of the Royal, one 
just like this, only to find our getaway 
driver had abandoned us. There we 
were on the sidewalk with guns, money 
bags and our girlfriends’ smelly nylons 
over our heads. My partner walked 
calmly back into the bank and reap- 
peared within seconds, dangling a set 
of keys and pointing to a green Pontiac 
that belonged to the manager. 

Ensconced іп that memory, I stood 
there feeling damn near nostalgic until 
a voice snapped me out of it. “Stevie!” 
Now, I have two kinds of friends—ones 
who call me Stephen and ones who call 
me Stevie. 1 stared up. It was a leath- 
er-and-jeans guy sporting a ponytail 
and waving wildly from the fire escape 
landing of a nearby apartment build- 
ing. He was motioning me over and 
bounding down the steps at the same 
time. As he came nearer І couldn't 
quite fish his name out of the memory 
pool, but for sure we'd walked the Ыр 
yard together. Close up. his eyes were 
glassy and pinned. He greeted me with 
that hand-slapping faux exuberance of 
a heroin high to see you, Ste- 
vie. Me and the old lady watched you 
оп television,” (continued on page 144) 


“Allegro, Miss Stevens . . . faster, faster... !” 


YOUR BACKSTAGE PASS TO A MIXED-UP MUSICAL YEAR 


POP MUSIC took on a new sincerity іп 2002. Just when it seemed 
like the tyranny of boy bands, bubblegum teen queens and 
Scowls-R-Us rap-rockers would never end, something more au- 
thentic started to simmer on the charts. 

A new crop of young, scruffy bands— 

апа ~ linked so often in the media they started to 
sound like a four-headed beast —made old-fashioned, guitar- 
drums-and-no-D] rock feel new again. Meanwhile, some true leg- 
ends fought hard for the spotlight, from 


heroic reunion with the E Street Band on The Rising to the 
hada 
number one hit. Perhaps most notable, women who write songs 


traveling juggernaut —hell, even 


and play instruments were allowed back оп the radio— from 
mall-punk princess to the years most surprising 
new star, sultry, jazz-inflected 

Of course, those garage bands didn't take over the Top 40- 
With the biggest-selling album of 2002 and a smash movie, 


was the brightest star in the pop firmament. Meantime, 


—————ÀM a oa rc a eS 


sold тоге albums in 
one weck than the Strokes, and White 
Stripes, er al. sold in roral—and the 


and 


same holds true for 1 Г 
and the As the 

year neared an end, it was unclear who 

would survive the great diva shoot- 


ош between 
and —while stayed 
on the sidelines, pondering her next 


career move. 

The best work of 2002 captured the 
sense that tastes and styles were up 
for grabs. Two hip-hop collecrives— 

(also known as the unstop- 
pable production team the Neptunes) 
and Philly rap band the 
leased CDs that mashed up hip-hop 
and rock in unpredictable ways, em- 
bracing and sometimes spoofing both 
genres to create something beyond cat- 
egory. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot 
traded the band’s Americana heritage 
for a more abstract sonic yearning, 
while threw off his mantle of alt- 
rock hero with Sea Change, an austere 
meditation on lost love. 

In 2003 some of pop's leading dy- 
nasties— —will 
get back in the game, and two of the 
all-time biggest sellers, the and 

have scheduled re- 

union albums. All eyes in search of the 

Next Big Thing are focused on New 

York City, where acts from New Wave- 
style performance artists 

to Queens mix-tape hero 

are kicking up dust. But most of 

the interesting newcomers arrive from 

more distant corners: Los Angeles" 

blue-eyed soul phenom (and Sprite 


—re- 


shill) ` gifted Canadian singer- 
songwriter tune- 
ful Seattle punks and 
Detroit rocker The 


soundtrack to the South African docu- 
mentary Amandla! (released on 
label) might even turn into 
this year’s Buena Vista Social Club. 
Whenever the music industry is 
on the ropes—and with а то percent 
slump in annual sales, now is one of 
those times—there's an opportunity 
for innovation to slip through. So 
whether you still pay for CDs, гір ‘ет 
or burn ‘em, or just nod your head to 
whateyer the hell is booming in the car 


next to you, heed the words of 
“Lose yourself in the 


music, the moment" —ALAN LIGHT 


PLAYBOY: What would we see in your 
CD changer these days? 

My Morning Jacker. They're the 
best Sunday-morning hangover, psychedel 
ic-country Neil Young experience—beau- 
tiful music with passionate lyrics. Black 
Rebel Motorcycle Club is a band to fuck го. 
It's the sexiest music. 1 can say Queens of 
the Stone Age because, even though I've 
drummed for them, I'm not in the band. 
Songs for the Deaf 15 one of the best rock 
records in the past 10 years. Cave In is a 
great up-and-coming rock band. 
PLAYBOY: What current music trend do 
you hate? 


I look at a lot of bands today 
and see piercings, spiky black hair, trib 
al tattoos, wife bearers, Doc Martens. In 
10 years, those guys will be saying what 
the hair metal guys say now: ‘Whar was I 
thinking? Гуе never been into the image 
thing—its irrelevant. If I see a band getting 
too dressed up, I won't buy their record. 
PLAYBOY: Is thar truc of the Hives? 

Thar's different, they're more of 
an homage than an image. That's another 
great record—the Kinks meet the Buzz- 
cocks meet the Stones meet the Who. Live, 
they re fucking unreal 
PLAYBOY: Whar is it abour sex, drugs 
and rock and roll? 

Musicians are all about es- 
capism. The best musicians are dreamers. 
When I was a teenager | was really into 
weed, and I fucking loved acid. It gave me 
license to go insane for eight hours. 
PLAYBOY: Are you still into drugs? 

G I smoked a joint five years ago. 


e Which city has che best 
groupies? 

ANDERSON: None. You'd be amazed 
how few guys we meet. The gays who try to 
ger backstage are wasted and dirty and 
probably wouldn't be hor if they were clean 
and sober. They're either young enough to 
be illegal or old enough to be our dads. 
2277-1-17 Britney, Christina or Avril? 
ANOERSON: That's so easy—Britney 
She's head and shoulders above the rest. 
She has a better arritude, a better body. I 


DAVE GROHL 


BRETT ANDERSON 


Otherwise, 1 
haven't done 
drugs for 14 
years. | never 
saw heroin 
until I moved 
to Searrle. 
PLAYBOY: 
Did you real 
ize that as a 
rock star you 
would be 
able to ger a 
lor of girls? 


No, not real 
ly. I never Бе 
lieved thar I 
would be in a popular rock band. Growing 
up with punk rock, I didn't subscribe to 
rock-and-roll idolatry. You made music 
with your friends, for your friends. We 
played for beer or for gas money. 
PLAYBOY: Once you made ir big in Nir 
vana, did you indulge in groupies? 

Nirvana represented everything 
against conventional rock-and-roll ethics. 
We thought the groupie scene was degrad. 
ing. That's not ro say | didn't meer girls and 
get laid, bur it wasn't the sport it is on a 
Motley Crue tour. Fuck 
girl on the road isn't a good idea if you're 
afraid of catching something. 
PLAYBOY: You've described drumming 
as a sexual experience. Explain. 

You're using your whole body to 
make expressive music. It’s like the best 
night of dancing and fucking ever. 


g some faceless 


love her body. We talk about it constantly. 
2122112 =), Whars the most annoying 
trend in music? 
ANDERSON: The rap-rock mixture— 
Td say no ro that whole genre. It's restos- 
тегопе and nothing else. It would have been 
fine if Limp Bizkit blew up and then just 
went away. But they had ro spawn a god- 
damn revolution in musie 

= Favorite Osbourne? 
ANDERSON: Because Kelly’s close ro 
our age, she’s fascinating. Bur Jack has 
way funnier lines. And he likes Zoolander, 
which is a plus. 

Can you defend a bad song? 
ANOERSON: The Far Boys’ Are Yon 
Ready for Freddy? Fred Krueger raps with 
the Fat Boys. How can vou nor love that 
song? It's a fucking musical masterpiece. 
We have icon the bus. Somerimes we listen 
to it before we play. 

= Favorite Madonna phase? 
ANDERSON: Before the accent, before 
the Pilates, before the babies. 


"Village Of Lov: 


THE FIFTIES 
ARE THE NEW 


The White Stripes were the revenge of classic 
rock radio—the blues-rock swagger of Led 
Zeppelin given a post-Brit-pop makeover. 
But the newest garage bands dig deeper and 
look back past the Sixties and Seventies to 
the dusty trove of Fifties sounds. Maybe it 
has something to do with the explosion of 
underground alt-country or the resurgence of 
Elvis. Bur listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the 
Raveonertes and the Detroit Cobra 
can hear the stinging guitar licks of Link 
Wray, the cowgirl rave-ups of Wanda Jack- 


nd you 


yeo've already paid for. The mu 


(check ont ita long-awaitad Sly Stone anthology, other majors are mining their backlists. EMI-I 
ji ita four-solome “When the Snn Goes 
ry of Hock and Roll.” Look for BMG to bring eot two more “Sun Goes Gewn" dit 


labels such as ind Fire and бері: 
Mitchell's delta bloes. Sometimes, 


RIVERS CUOMO 


stage drunk? 


is the cass with Sanctuary's Trejan regi 


son and the iconic rockabilly of Eddie 
Cochran, Gene Vincent and Carl Perkins. 
Yeah Yeah Yeahs guitarist Nick Zinner 
says Fifties sounds are an ace in the hole. 
“Link Wray was an inspiring guitarist 
he says. “I spent many an hour playing 
poker with Mr. Wray on the hi-fi." Rave 
onertes guitarist and songwriter Sune 
Wagner says, “I'm a big Buddy Holly 
ian—I love all the old stuff. I'm a huge 
Everly Brothers fan and a girl-group fan.” 
The Raveonettes’ debut, due in May, was 


which I 
think the Fifties were. It was a pure form of 
rock and roll, very simple and то the point.” 
Detroit Rock City is home to the White 
Stripes, the Sights, Von Bondies, Come Ons, 
Dirtbombs, and Ko and the Knockouts. But 
the best sound is that of the Detroit Cobras. 
The Cobras, who also have the best vocalist, 
are so into vintage tunes they don't even 
bother writing new ones. 
songs we ever did,” says singer Rachel Nagy, 
“was Tunnel of Love by Wanda Jackson. | 


ght-ahead rock and roll, 


“One of the first 


produced by Richard Gortehrer, the kr 
twiddler behind Blondie’s early success. “I 
know a lor of bands these days have a bit 
of psychedelic influence—late-Sixties mu 
sic,” says Wagner. “But I'm pretty much 


f: Whats in your CD player? 
Jay-Z, The Blueprint. Hes tough. 
гү: What was your first concert? 

Men at Work in 1983. That 


was my last nonmetal show for 10 years. 
After that it was Kiss, Scorpions, Judas 
Priest. Iron Maiden, Metallica 


Have you seen a show re- 


cently that you really liked? 


The Strokes 
Were they all falling off the 


Yeah, definitely. But | also went 


through that phase. 


What's the first song you 


learned to play? 


Cold Gin off the first Kiss rec- 


(Ы ord. Then | wrote my first song, Fight for 
Your Right. | still remember how to play it. 


love old country—the roots of rockabilly. 
There's an innocence to it. Our music is, 
"Grab a girl, let's go dance." Look for the 
Cobras” new EP—all covers—on Rough 
Trade. “It’s just honest, juke-joint stuff." 


Its extremely gay. 
E BOY: Do you know that the Olsen 
twins covered a song of yours? 

Yeah, | think that's hilarious. | 
seem to enjoy a lot of things that piss off 
our fens. For example, Rice Krispies just 
called and asked me to write a commer- 
cial, and I think that's great. | totally want 
to write a Rice Krispies song. 

Are you in the studio? 

We'll be in the studio on and 
off for the rest of our lives. We're con- 
stantly recording. My best lyrics come 
from an emotionally disturbing ехрегі- 
ence, like getting into a fight with a girl. | 
can't write when l'm happy. 

Ма girlfriend? 
Hell, no. Girlfriends are for 
chumps. 


gold in catalogs—it cests uext to nothing to remaster and repacknge staff 


the old staff is the closest thing te a snre het. Following the lead of Seny Legacy 
tol issned а great series ef Now Or- 


ram: The Secret Histe- | 


Tone cherry-pick lest classics. We're looking forward to Fat Possum's relanse ef folklorist Geerge 
series, the reisenos are better than tho originals. 


mockstar 


groups, including a few that have become famous in their own right. ROCK ON. 


SUPER DIAMONO | 


NEIL DIAMOND 


SAN FRANCISCO 


GIVEN A SHOUT-OUT IN 


VH1'S "BEHINO THE MU- 
SIC: NEIL DIAMOND. 


NEIL HIVSELF—HE 
JUMPEO ONSTAGE AT 
HOUSE OF BLUES IN LA, 


UP TO 150 SOLD-OUT 
GIGS PER YEAR ANO 
"SWEET CAROLINE” 
UP TO FOUR TIMES 


WHAT TO EXPECT 


FRONT MAN RANDY 
CORDEROS SELF-AP- 
POINTED NICKNAME IS 
"THE SURREAL NEIL." TO 
PISS HIM OFF CALL HIM 
AN IMPERSONATOR 


USELESS TRIVIA 


RZA 


What are you listening to? 
RZA: Lauryn Hills live CD. Its from her 
soul. | keep Harold Melvin in my CD player, 
Curtis Mayfield. And the new GZA and new 
Jay-Z albums, definitely 

Who is overrated? 
RZA: Christina Aguilera. Justin Timber- 
lake is overrated. They're forcing him down 
the throats of the people 

Who is underrated? 
RZA: Well, me! 

Who is the best live act? 
RZA: System of a Down. The metal guys 
tear the house down. 

Who should we watch for? 
AZA: | like Amerie. she's coming up well 
System of a Down for the hard-core rock 
stuff. Ghostface Killah is about to deliver 
something special 

There's a lot of Memphis 
soul in your music 


RZA: The chord progressions of Mem- 
phis soul really stuck in my heart— think 
because of their struggles, from the civil 
rights movement to the honesty of the 
men in their struggle with love. Nowadays 
love is а “freak-me freak-me” thing. Back 
then those guys were compelled by love. 

What would black music 
sound like if hip-hop never happened? 
RZA: | think hip-hop was destined. A lot 
of kids inside their houses do a lot of crazy 
shit. If you go to the projects, you see peo- 
ple make something out of nothing. We 
were doing that at 11 years old. We used 
to have drumsticks, comic books and a 
shoe box and bang on it, record ourselves 
and make rap songs. Hip-hop was des- 
tined to come, no matter what. 

Anything else you'd like to 
say to PLAYBOY readers? 
RZA: Keep the truth naked. 


Struggling musicians with subpar talent and an excess of Aqua Net form 
tribute bands faster than you can say “Send in the clones.” Forget about 
Beatlemania—even the shittiest bands have their doppelgangers these 
days. We unearthed a few of the most disturbing of these new tribute 


ATOMIC PUNKS ALCOHOLICA 


METALLICA 


LOS ANGELES 


OPENED FOR LIMP BZ- 
KIT ON 2000 NAPSTER: 


SPONSOREO TOUR. "WERE 


NOT BIG FANS, BUT IT 
WAS СОСО MONEY. 
SAYS BANO MEMBER 
HOWIE SIMON, 


15-Т0-1 SWEATY-GUY-TO- 
GIRL RATIO. 


SAYS SIMON, “SONGS 
FROM BEFORE THE BANO 
CUT THEIR HAIR. DUR 
HAIR IS REAL, UNLIKE 
THOSE KIDS WHO WEAR 
WIGS THAT NO ONE 
TAKES SERIOUSLY.” 


HOURS OF REHEARSAL 
PER WEEK: ZERO. 


ROCKET QUEENS 


CRANSTON, 
RHOOE ISLAND 


STODO OUTSIDE OF 


CREEO'S TOUR BUS AT THE 


TWEETER CENTER ІМ 
MANSFIELD, MASS.. BUT 
WERE DENIED ACCESS BY 
SECURITY. 


CHRISTIAN-ROCK FANS 
JONESING FOR POWER 
BALLADS. 


"ALL THE LIVE POWER, 
FEEL ANO EMOTION OF A 
CREED CONCERT, ON A 
SMALL STAGE” 


SELLS HUMAN CLAY 


T-SHIRTS (XL ONLY] FOR $20 


A РОР "COMING SOON: 


BABY-DOLL TS, SPAGHETTI- 


STRING SHIRTS, BUMPER 
STICKERS ANO MORE.” 


[rartrevat] 
ADVISORY 
[ши car] 


| SOUNDTRACK 


| SPIDER-MAN | 


Rock ARTIST 
OZZY OSBOL 


_ ROCK GROUT 
[DAVE MATTHEWS 


= 
| DAVE MATTHEWS} 
| 


НОМЕ BUSTEO STUFF 


HOF RUN-DMC 


FAME 


influence on music is as 
profound as Elvis’ or the Beatles’. As the 
Seventies unfolded into the Eighties the 
airwaves were, wich limited exception, a 
vapid wasteland of postdisco New Wave 
swill. Around this time I was licking my 
wounds in a hospital bed, recovering 
from a motorcycle accident and a badly 
bruised ego from sagging record sales 
and the looming breakup of our band. 1 
seriously questioned where Aerosmith's 
down-and-dirty swagger was going to fit 
into this frighteningly trite fashion-driv- 
en music scene. 

While we were dragging our asses out 
of the ashes of our stratospheric over- 
indulgences, they appeared in our lives, 
They were the slap from the muse doc- 
ror's hand on the ass of a newborn 
sound! The transition was as dramatic 
as the switch from the bleak black-and- 
white gloom of Kansas to the Technicol 
or majesty of Oz. It was the music of the 
streets, the music of the people. Our col- 
laboration on was the 
first true marriage of rap and rock, reel- 
in’ and rollin’, hippin’ and hoppin’. It 
introduced our music and rhythms to 
completely new listeners and brought 
two audiences together, 

Run-DMC were New Age preachers, 
spoken-word subway prophets, always 
making it relevant and always keeping it 
real. Jam Master Jay, you'll be missed, 
brother. 


aM 


STEVE EARLE 


What are you listening to? 

=: | just got done makıng a record 
and | try not to listen to anything while I'm 
doing that. My favorite record last year 
was the Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi Battles the 
Pink Robots. The new Johnny Cash album 
is really good 

What: do you think about the 
garage rock hype? 
The White Stripes are kind of 
cool, but I'm old so | think they really need 
a bass player. The Strokes are the best 
band to come from New York in a long 
time, but New Yorkers should be ashamed 
of themselves for eating their own. Once 
people write about a band and the band 
sells a few records, people in New York 
City are horrible to them. 


POWER GIRLS 


Just a few years ago, women in rock 
were feted with selt-congratularory com- 
pilations and vaguely political big ups. 
Things have definitely changed. If any 
thing was made clear in 2002, it’s that 
the record industry has created a never- 
ending, interchangeable, self-propagat 
ing supply of girlie pop stars. There's 
| опе for every taste. Fluffy. Slutty. Punky. 
| All low-fat, all low-calorie—some with a 

shelf life as long as a quart of skim milk 
In the old days, the Madonnas, Janets 
and Mariahs—hell, even the Taylor 
Daynes—of the world were viable for a 
few years. Now, each time a girl fades— 
even a little bit—a new one is hauled out 
| torake her place. Usually one even youn- 

ger than the last. Brimey in self-imposed 
Usher in a little self-immolating 


exile? 


Seen any great live shows? 
=: | saw a great. fucking Mudhoney 

Gem | hadnt seen them in eight or nine 
years and they were amazing. And Pearl 
Jam has turned into one beast of a great 
rock band. That little fucker Vedder sure 
can sing. 

Do you listen to hip-hop? 

5 =. I'm listening to Eminem right 
now. I've listened to a lot of hip-hop, espe- 
cially during some of the low periods in my 
life. We live in a society where if you want 
drugs, you go to the poorest section of any 
city; hanging out there a lot, | got into 
hip-hop. There was one summer where | 
almost always had a copy of Dr. Dres The 
Chronic because | could trade that for 
drugs just about anywhere. 


number by the name of 
Pink, a younger ver 
sion of Tori Amos in 
Vanessa Carlton and 
middle-school pseudo 
punk rocker Avril La 
vigne—pop tarts with 
some soul 
still too earnest? Try 
the cute and reeny 
Russian duo T.A.T.U., 
who parlayed their les 
bian appeal into a top 
10 single. Is this still 
too contrived for you? 
Are you suffering from 
tart fatigue? Don't 
worry about it—some 
one new will 
around any day now. 
We guarantee it. 


Are they 


come 


FLUFFY. SLUTTY. PUNKY 


LOW-FAT. LOW-CALORIE 


DARON MALAKIAN 


We hear you have an exten- 
sive collection of Seventies porn. What's 
your favorite title? 

Taboo 2. It's one of the 
greatest films ever. And Tangerine kicks 
ass. lt has a good plot. The pornos these 
days don't have plots. 

Favorite Madonna phase? 

| liked her around the time 
she put out the Sex book and Justify My 
Love. She changed things. She added a lot. 
of pornography to rock and roll. 

Any new bands you like? 

The Eighties Matchbox B- 
line Disaster. Theyre like psychobilly meets 
Bauhaus meets Nick Cave. 

Who do you think is overrat- 


ed in music right now? 

A lat of these hip-hop guys. 
They sing about having big balls and having 
so much guts and stuff. But they don’t 
have any artistic guts. There's not one new 
Public Enemy. If there is, we've never heard 
of them, because they don't get promoted. 
There's no freshness. It's all bullshit. 

Who's underrated? 

Kyuss is one underrated 
group that has influenced me a lot. Theyre 
just as underrated as the Stooges were 
back in their day. 

What song should be univer- 
sally banned forever? 

System of a Down, Chop 
Suey. Even l'm sick of hearing it. 


Close Encounters 


musa Y іы Y 
mus, Ak JE 
6 


РАР HORGE 


SPRING FEVER 
—— —— кекесін” 
271155 20025000 CUNE, SAW, СО) 27022 са 


I SEEMS Carmella DeCesare, a fresh-faced 20-year-old from Westlake, 
Ohio, took her share of knocks in high school. “I was the girl everybody 
liked to tease,” she confesses. “1 wanted to be friends with everyone and 
have a good time, but it just didn't work out that way. 1 had three good 
girlfriends in high school and they stuck by me. Kids at that age are hor- 
rible and look for someone to pick on, and I guess I was it. I hadn't grown 
up yet—I had big red-frame glasses and no style. My mom and my step- 
dad always told me, “Those boys who make fun of you are going to want 
to date you later.’ I never believed them, but now it's my time to shine.” 
Her first triumph over her tormentors came when she beat out thou- 
sands of hopefuls to become one of the 12 chosen for Fox’ Girl Next 
Door: The Search for a Playboy Centerfold. Unfortunately, she was one of 
the two girls who dropped out of the show early. “When I went to Cal- 
ifornia, I was excited and had a different vision,” says Carmella. “I 


Carmella is a self-proclaimed movie freak who likes to hang aut at home and watch flicks with her boyfriend and two dogs. “When my 
boyfriend takes me out, we'll ga to a nice restaurant and then downtown to the clubs or to lacol bars,” says Carmella. "But I'm nat the 
kind of girl who follows her boyfriend's every move. Im confident in our relationship—he's not going anywhere.” 95 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ARNY FREYTAG AND STEPHEN WAYDA 


“My favorite shoot wos the doy we 
went to о loundromot, becouse | got 
to dress casually and just have some 
fun,” says Carmello. "I'll go out with- 
out weoring any makeup—l don't 
core. | just wont to kick bock in my 
bondonno and sweats.” 


thought I would meet all these girls and we would hang out and have fun. 
Everybody was cutthroat and really wanted 10 win—it wasn't the friendliest 
contest. It freaked me out. I decided to leave because it wasn't for me." But 
Hef wouldn't let Carmella just disappear. "He asked me if 1 wanted to rethink 
my position,” she says. “Hef invited me to a Mansion party and I had a blast 
with him and the girls. He ask 
cepted. I became February's Cyber Girl of the Month on Cyber Playboy.com 


ti 


Now that she's Miss April, Carmella says she'd welcome a full-time modeling career, but she's been working on a back 


I'm a college senior studying business administration, and I work as a marketing representative who recruits ac- 
counts from mortgage companies. One day while calling on a client, I heard about an open casting call for PLAYBOY in Cleve 
land. I had done some local modeling, so I thought it would be fun to audition. Interestingly, my mother had auditione 
ing through me, being proud of me and offering support.” Carme 
He's respectful of my feelings and understands this is a dream of 


up plan 


for PLAYBOY 20 years ago. My tryout was her way of li 
la's boyfriend also supports her PLAYBOY appearanc 
mine," she says. "He's really cute and we get along remarkably well—he's my best friend." 
Right now Carmella is back in Ohio working and studying at night, but she breaks up the routine by wakeboarding and 
Jet Sküng on Lake Erie. Every once in a while, Hef invites her and her girlfriends to fly out to the Mansion for a weekend. 


“When I'm busy with work and school, I 
take my best girlfriends to Los Angeles for 
an awesome nigh she says. “When 
I think about those kids who teased me in 


high school, I don't get mad anymore. I 
don't want to fit in and be like everybody 
else. If people can't accept me for me, then 


they don't need to hang out with me. 1 just 
want to be Carmella.” 


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SEE MORE PICTURES AND VIDEO OF 
CARMELLA AT CYBER.PLAYBOY.COM. 


PLAYBOY’S PARTY JOKES 


Mickey Mouse woke up one morning and 
looked out his window. Someone had urinated 
“Mickey Sucks” in the snow. Furious, Mickey 
called the police. Alter a detective performed a 
DNA test, he said, “Well, Mickey, I'm afraid I 
have good news and bad news. The good news 
is, we found out who did it. It was Goofy. The 
bad news is, it was in Minn 


What do a folding chair and a hooker have in 
common? Both are useless unless their legs are 
spread. 


Brionne JOKE OF THE MONTH: How do you sink a 
submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door. 


Ші Gore's decision not to run for president in 
2004 has disappointed some who were looking 
forward to wile Tipper's clever campaign strat- 
еру. “I have shaved off all my pubic hair,” she 
said. “And from time to time, I will flash the 
crowd without wearing panties. This will send а 
strong message to the American people. 

“And just what would that message be?" a re- 
porter asked. 

Tipper answered, 
Bush.” 


“Read my lips. No more 


What's the big problem with the Cary Grant 
? Some gay men are getting the wrong 
side sticky, 


THIS MONTH'S MOST FREQUENT SUBMISSION: Why 
are guys so good at video games? They ve de- 
veloped superb hand-eye coordination after 
all those years of browsing through PLAYBOY. 


Our Unabashed Dictionary defines mistress 
as something that's in between a mister and a 
mattress. 


А man and a woman met aboard a cruise ship 
“I feel it's only fair to warn you," the man said, 
“that I'm a real golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and 

breathe the game: 

“Well, since you're being honest, so will 1," 
the woman said. “I'm a hooker.” 

“I see,” the man said. “Well, it’s probably be- 
cause you're not keeping your wrists straight 
when you hit the ball.” 


A man with a pet octopus walked into a bar 
and said, “I'll bet $50 t no one here has a 
musical instrument this octopus 

A man in the bar fetched a gui 
pus picked it up, tuned the strings and began 

aying a Hendrix song. With a big smile on 
face, the octopus’ owner pocketed 550. An- 
other man brought over a trumpet. The octo- 
pus picked it up, licked his lips and began play. 
ing a jazz solo. The man handed the octopus’ 
owner $50. The bartender brought over a set 
of bagpipes. He put them in front of the octo- 
pus and said, “If he can play that, I'll give you 
$100." 

The octopus looked at the bagpipes, lifted 
them up and turned them over. His owner 
bent down and whispered, “What the fuck are 
you waiting for? Hurry up and play the damn 
thing. 

The octopus replied, “Forget playing it. If I 
can figure out how to take off its pajamas, I'm 
gonna fuck it.” 


What do you call an animal with two wives? A 
cheetah. 


A married couple came upon a wishing well. 
The husband leaned over, made a wish and 
threw in a penny. The wifé did the same, but 
she leaned over too far and fell into the well. 
The husband was stunned for a moment, but 
then smiled and said, “Wow. It really works.” 


ЭУ 


Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right 
where you left him. 


The horny husband said to his w 
want to have a quickie 
She replied, “You mean this whole time I've 


had a choice? 


йе, “Do you 


A man walked into a confessional and said, 
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 

The priest scoffed and said, “You U 
have problems?” 


Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, 
PLAYBOY, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, 
Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to jokes @playtoy com. 
$100 will be paid to the contributor whose submis- 
sion is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned. 


“Would someone please turn off their fucking beeper?” 


107 


A 


жұмы 


ENT 


4,22 


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T3 


erosmith Fiction By ETHAN HAUSER 


Early Aerosmith—Dream On, Toys in the . 
Attic, Walk This Way. Definitely not the Love 
in an Elevator and Janie's Got a Gun type 
of power balladry that today's youngsters 
are familiar with. (15 it just me or is there some cor- 
relation between the rise of Liv Tyler and the decline 
of Steven Tyler?) My best friend at the time, who lived 
down the block, was into REO Shitwagon. When | went to his 
house, he insisted on playing Hi Infidelity. His father was an 
audiophile, which meant we were forbidden to touch the 
bass or treble dials on the stereo and were occasionally sub- 
jected to dinnertime lectures on the superiority of reel-to-reel tapes over 
cassettes. My friend's devotion to the Shitwagon most likely came from his 
older sister, since sisters tend to have girly taste in music. |, however, was 
fortunate to have an older brother, which is much more important (music- 
wise, not beatingwise) when you're that age. Once we started geiting in- 
terested in girls, a few years later, the balance shifted. It was then much 
more impressive to have a sister, preferably one who invited her friends 
along on family beach vacations. 

This is embarrassing, but I'll admit it: | tried to replicate the cover art of 
Get Your Wings on my school spiral notebooks. | used tracing paper, 
matched the precise shades of yellow and black with Magic Markers. | 


if music doesn’t get you through, nothing will 


ILLUSTRATION BY JANET WOOLLEY 


UNES m1 


PLAYBOY 


110 


thought my rendering was pretty faith- 
ful unul I showed it to my brother (the 
same one who had turned me into an 
Aerosmith fan in the first place) and 
he ridiculed me. Either he had already 
moved on or he was jealous. 


MINOR THREAT 


In my high school, you were into 
punk rock or you listened to the Grate- 
ful Dead. It was easy to figure out who 
was who: The Deadheads grew their 
hair past their shoulders and wore Bir- 
kenstocks or no shoes at all. There was 
patchouli involved, bandannas and 
cense and dreadlocks, and their cars 
were stickered with those silly dancing 
bears. We punks gelled our hair into 
spikes and stenciled our leather jackets 
with the names of our favorite bands. 
When we wanted to pick a fight, we 
graffitied the hippie hangouts with a 
line from a Teen Idles song: “The on- 
ly good Deadhead is one that's dead.” 
(They rarely took the bait, owing to 
their peace-and-love ethos.) We combed 
the singles bins of record stores for 
vinyl limited-edition seven-inchers un- 
der the glares of the bitter staff. They 
were too old to be working behind the 
counter at a record store, and too old 
to be making fun of us. But we didn't 
realize that yet. We clipped dog collars 
around our necks and rolled up our ta- 
pered black jeans to show off our com- 
bat boots. The music was raw and hos- 
tile, often political, and it could drive 
our parents from the room within sec- 
onds of the stylus biting vinyl. I wonder 
which was more alarming to parents: 
the Deadheads and their aversion to 
soap or our fiery, affected snarls and 
steel-toed Doc Martens. 

We were all the sons and daughters 
of doctors and lawyers, academics and 
scientists, and part of the appeal of the 
music must have been its working-class 
roots. Maybe we had fantasies of up- 
ending our privileged lives and joining 
the proletariat, because then the fury 
we felt—the fury that bubbles in all 
adolescents, rich or poor, British or 
American—could be blamed on a so- 
ciopolitical situation rather than on our 
universal teenage angst and thirst for 
rebellion. After all, what, truly, did we 
have to be angry about? Our loving, at- 
tentive parents? Our spacious homes? 
Our lenient, progressive schools? 


THE WHO 


1 rarely listened to song lyrics, and 1 
still don't. It was always melody, guitar 
riffs and bass lines that drew me in, the 
poetry of instruments rather than the 
poetry of words. This isn't because I 
made some judgment that most lyrics 
are hackneyed and superficial. I just 
don't really hear them. I'm much more 
attuned to the fuel of melody, the tap 


of rhythm. 1 remember listening to the 
lyrics of Behind Blue Eyes. Roger Daltrey 
understood all my teenage loneliness, 
and we even have the same eye color. 
Once you've decided on an idol, it's not 
hard to start identifying with him. 

It was also the song I was playing on 
my stereo when my father came into 
my room, sat on the edge of my bed 
and told me he was cheating on my 
mother. He didn't use the word cheat- 
ing, or even affair. He stared at the 
clothes-strewn floor and said, "I've 
been seeing another woman. I think I 
might be in love with her." 

The second-best Who song was Baba 
O'Riley, with its long, slow buildup, its 


crashing climax. Asa rule, I hated any- 
thing with keyboards—I was a purist 
and thought rock music should be lim- 
ited to guitar, bass and drums—but i 
didn't mind them in this song. They 
were redundant and hypnotic, surpris- 
ingly unwimpy. Pinball Wizard and Sub- 
stitute are also great Who songs. though 
1 recognized the excellence of Substitute 
only after I heard Richard Thompson 
cover it during a free summer concert 
in Central Park. Sometimes it takes 
someone else's version to realize how 
great the original is. 

I had a picture of Pete Townshend 
on my wall that I'd cut out of Roll- 
ing Stone. He gazes glumly at the cam- 
era, with his right hand against his face 
and his fingers streaked with blood. It 
was supposed to symbolize—to me, at 
least—his commitment to rock and 
roll, that he'd play guitar until his hand 
bled. He'd strum through the pain and 
only notice the wounds long after the 
song had ended. Hurt could wait, the 
music couldn't. 

To say I didn't know how to respond 
to what my father had told me doesn't 
encompass what 1 felt. I didn't know 


what to say, 1 didn't know where to 
look, I didn't know how to тоуе—1 
didn't even know if I should move. I 
didn't know anything. He might have 
said something more; I can't recall any- 
thing other than the heft of those brief 
sentences. They're the kinds of words 
that have the weightofa historical event; 
they stop time. 1 remember thinking, 
The music is still playing, the record's 
still turning, the lights on the equalizer 
are «ШІ dancing. That's the difference 
between human beings and machines: 
Machines don't hear the fireworks 
wrapped іп a few words. Computers 
will do our math and build our sky- 
scrapers and launch our space shuttles, 
but they'll never save us. 
WAYLON JENNINGS 
“Your father's a lawyer, you're Jew- 
ish, you're from Boston. How the hell 
is it that you're listening to Waylon Jen- 
nings instead of chamber music?” My 
friend Sherry, who grew up in small- 
town eastern North Carolina, said this 
to me. We were jealous of each other; 
we both wanted to be from somewhere 
else. | met her in Virginia, when we 
were in graduate school, and she was 
amazed that I had the same taste in 
music as her family did. “I can't wait to 
tell my daddy, Hal,” she said. “I'll tell 
him there's a guy in the program from 
Boston. That'll make him suspicious, 
but then I'll tell him, ‘Don't worry, he's 
country at heart.’ Then he'll invite you 
to watch a car race with him.” For a 
time Sherry was my tutor in all things 
Southern: barbecue, fatback, sweet tea. 
She thought I was gutsy for hanging 
out in the redneck bars of Roanoke. I 
went only because the whiskey tasted 
better anywhere they were blasting Char- 
lie Rich. Once, when we were drinking 
in one such dive, she asked me about 
Judaism. When 1 told her we read only 
the Old Testament, not the New, she 
said, “Yall only get half the book?” 
My love of country music had begun 
several years before, in college, under 
the influence of another friend. He ar- 
gued that it was a natural progression 
from the punk and indie rock we were 
so enamored with. These guys were 
the original punks, he said, explaining 
the bridge from Black Flag and the An- 
gry Samoans to Hank Williams. And 
indeed the country music we treasured 
was the work of the outlaws—Hank, 
Waylon, David Allan Coe. We found 
one of the few country bars in New 
York City, a narrow grimy place in the 
middle of the East Village, and we im- 
pressed the cute bartenders with our 
jukebox sets. Crazy and Ring of Fire are 
for tourists; we played Rainy Day Woman 
and Willie, Waylon and Me. The bartend- 
ers wore cowboy hats and called us baby 
(continued on page 151) 


“Y” better try me now, sugar—tomorrow I turn pro!” 


SUPERSTARS 


OF WEIRD SPORTS 


Even the most bizarre contests have their Michael Jordans. 
Meet the world champions you'll never see on a Wheaties box 


by Steven Chean 


Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, Competitive Eater 

When International Federation of Competitive Eating 2001 
Rookie of the Year Ed “Cookie” Jarvis (opposite) went to Las 
Vegas for the all-you-can-eat buffet competition last Septem- 
ber, he knew he was facing “the marathon of all competi- 
tions"—three cays, five buffets: breakfast, lunch, appetizers, 
dinner and dessert, Vegas style. 

"I knew if | made it to the finals—dessert—that was my cat- 
egory,” he recalls. “It was half a gallon of Haagen-Dazs ice 
cream, six ounces of chocolate fudge with toppings and a ba- 
nana, a pound of strawbernes, plus a lemon meringue pie.” 
Five and a half minutes later, Cookie had won another eating 
competition. “Most people, they have a pastry, they have a can- 
noli. They don't have 21. That's what | do.” 

Sixfoot-six, 409-pound Cookie is a 36- 
year-old real estate agent on his native 
Long Island, married and a father of two. 
He's also a man who has inhaled record 
amounts of food since competitive eating 
became an organized sport in 1995: six 
pounds, 14 ounces of ice cream in 12 min- 
utes; 21 саппой іп six minutes; 15 and a 
half zeppole in four minutes; and a 17-inch 
pizza in three minutes. 

Destiny came calling in the form of a news- 
paper ad for an iroce-sanctioned matzoh- 
ball event. Ever since, Cookie has had a thirst to quench, a 
need to win. “This is my professional sport,” he says. “The 
goal is to be number one in the world. The glory is major to 
me, but money would sure help.” Purses are scant (and pri- 
marily edible) іп this sport; the promise of true riches comes 
in endorsements. “I'd like to do a Tums commercial, or may- 
bel could get a commercial like the Subway guy." 

Like the Subway guy, Cookie is losing weight. So far he's 
lost 60 pounds; only 120 more to go. Why the diet? Compet- 


“Every food has a chal- 
lenge. Take ice cream, 
tor example. Most guys 
get brain-freeze. If you 
face the spoon up, the 
ice cream's hitting the 
top of your mouth. Face 
the spoon down, no 
brain-freeze.” 


itive eating is a sweet science. "There's a theory—it's called 
the Belt of Fat,” says Cookie. “The girth of your waist pre- 
vents your stomach from expanding to your skin, because 
there's more fat there. If you're thinner, there's obviously less 
girth in front of you, which allows the stomach to expand out. 
More stomach, more food, more world records.” 

The age-old image of competitive eaters as “big fat Ameri: 
cans,” as he puts it, is giving way to a smaller, slimmer figure 
from the Far East—Japan, where competitive eating has be- 
come a national obsession. 

“If you're in this game to win, you're watching how these 
ridiculously tiny Japanese guys are putting it away,” Cookie 
explains. “Exercise has given their smaller bodies bigger 
stomachs as well as better eating endur- 
ance. That's the lesson, and all of us are tak- 
ing notes.” 

But Cookie still knows strategy. “Every 
food has a challenge,” he says. “Take ice 
cream, for example. Most guys get brain- 
freeze. If you face the spoon up, the ice 
cream's hitting the top of your mouth, which 
makes you get brain-freeze. Face the 
spoon down, no brain-freeze.” Then there's 
his cannoli-disappearing act: “| brought 
four cups of coffee. Everybody looked at 
me like, What do you have in that bag? | 
said, ‘It's my secret weapon.’ You dunk them, and it softens 
them. It makes it easier to swallow them, because cannoli 
are very rough.” 

Cookie 15 a champion, but he remains grounded. “We were 
at the cannoli championship, and after me and [fellow cham- 
pion] Eric Booker were done, these women were like, ‘We 
want your autograph! We're your biggest fans.’ And these 
were real-good-looking women. But I'm married to the most 
beautiful lady of them all. I'm taken.” 


PHOTOGRAPH BY MARC HAUSER 


“A lot offolks seriously,” he says. “Working for the city, 
don't realize We had to set up the throwing arena every 


How to Power-Eat a Cannoli 


Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: 
Hold the cannoli In one quick motion, Using a swift under- 
tightly in your dunk the cannoli іп hand sweep, shove 

dominant hand. a large mug of black | the cannoli into your 


coffee, making it soft. mouth, chew minimal- 
ly and swallow. 


How to Toss a Cow Chip 


Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: 
Grip is critical: Grab Pull back your Bring your arm forward in 
the cow chip as if it's throwing armas far а windmill motion and let 
James Pratt, Shit Slinger the handle of a frying а possible (think the turd fly. Secret good- 
4 pan. A firm grip discus or javelin). luck move: Lick your fin- 
“As long as my arm will let me throw, l'Il keep throwing," says means minimal Take a running start. gers between your first 
breakage. and second throws—and 


James Pratt, three-time World Cow Chip Throwing champion. 
“Му goal is to beat the record of 185 feet. I'm not about to 
quit until | get it.” 

Beaver, Oklahoma, a quiet town with one school and one 
coffee shop, has hosted the World Cow Chip Throwing Cham- 
pionship every April since 1969. In 1990 Pratt, his wife and 
their two daughters moved to Beaver to be close to his in- 
laws. Once they settled in, Pratt, 45, assumed dual roles of 
city maintenance supervisor and fire chief. 

“This town takes its cow-chip throwing 


don't be a baby about it. 


year, and 10 years ago | started thinking, | A 
Дик ж ! сап do this!” The rest has become fecal pei steering Seat 
ч, p thro! g folklore. Pratt was a natural. He has won by 2% inches. That Drop the seat by 
is mental. | don’t е 1996, 1999 and 2002 Men's Division gives you better two inches. The 


pay attention to Cow Chip Throwing titles, and the Beaver 
who's talking fire department has captured top team 


lower center of 
gravity helps on 
turns and avoids 


to me, who's honors six out of the past seven years. The tipping- 
around me, championship has become so competitive 
" = i aluminum Brakes 
nothing. | get in that chips used in the contest are stored ads стое. Replace tiny 
under lock and key to prevent dung doctor- k di: 
the zone, man с horsepower. stock disc 
Th s Tm ~ ing, such as applying fishing weights to en- brakes with big- 
li ere ill h €- hance balance and distance. qs sie ed ad i 
- ower the front axle 
leve, will hap: The rugged six-footfour, 260-pound Pratt ioe lice tar Bee Aral 


pen on its own.” keeps his arm prepared for all comers. 


114 


faster turns. at high speeds. 


“Say I'm out hunting, looking for deer or 


pheasant, and | see a cow chip that's about the size | like to а 
throw. I'll just pick it up and toss it. You've got to keep the arm How to Noodle a Catfish 
in shape.” Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: 

^ " Plunge a hand into Wiggle your fingers. When the catfish 

‘You need a good arm and a running start. And you need a a sweet spot—holes ‘That's your bait: bites, fight it into 
good feel for the chip,” Pratt says, emphasizing that a firm or logs where catfish submission. Watch 
grip means minimal breakage. "But here's the secret to a | might hide. out for spines. Spread 


good throw: Lick your fingers between the first and second ‘the gills apart until it 


throw. It's good luck. A little doo on my tongue don't bother 
me none. It's just grass come around the long way." 

“A lot of folks don't realize that 90 percent of chip throw- 
ing is mental," he says. "I don't pay attention to who's talking 
to me, who's around me, nothing. | get in the zone, man—fo- 
cus on the orange cone where the record sits. | pay attention 
to the chip, my arm and that cone. The rest, | believe, will 
happen on its own.” 


stops thrashing. Then 
| grab the tail. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
MITCH O CONNELL 


Bobby Cleveland has a philosophy: “Live to mow, mow to live. 
What else is there, man?" The seven-time U.S. Lawn Mower 
Racing Association champion 15 known around mower гасе- 
tracks as Turbo Bob. “When it comes to racing mowers,” һе 
says, “you don't choose it—it chooses you. It's in the blood." 

Mowing and racing are in Cleveland's blood. The 45-year- 
old native of Locust Grove, Georgia has been doing both 
since he was a kid. “| used to cut grass for my parents and 
neighbors to make spending money. But | was always think- 
ing, How can | cut it faster than anybody else? I'd always race 
gocarts, minibikes, scooters and motorcycles, too. | guess 
you could say | was a speed demon.” 

“It all came together for me when | went to work at Snap- 
per,” he recalls, He was 18, fresh out of school and looking 
for work. His dad knew somebody at the famed lawn mower 
manufacturer. “When | got there, | had access to all these 
mowers. When you're young and you want to go fast, it's like 
being a kid in a candy store.” 

Cleveland explains the sport's allure: “It's cheap fun. In- 
stead of buying a car for $5000 and spending $20,000 to 
make it go fast, you can spend $1000 on a mower, drop 
$500 in there and you're ready to go.” The Association spon- 
sors 20 regional races per year; the crown is handed down at 
Labor Day weekend's Challenge of Champions. 

The 510", 180-pound Cleveland, who set the 85 mph mow- 
er speed record at a 1985 Atlanta 500 prerace show, is se- 
rious about his sport. “I got about 10 mowers,” he figures. 
There are the four “wheelie machines"—rear-engine riding 
mowers he uses for show in parades. The rest? Front-engine 
lawn tractors, or, as he calls them, “pure speed machines.” 

His crown jewel: a candy apple-red Snapper LT 2820 BVE, 
with a 20-horsepower overhead valve engine. “That's my 
main racing mower,” he says. “I take her to 75, but she сап 
go 100." Over the past year, Cleveland's been coming home 
from his day job as Snapper design engineer to his evening 
job. “I would pour me a drink, go to the garage and get to 
work on my baby. l'm talking about a V-twin, 45-horsepower 
beauty with 31-inch tires, racing shocks and springs, four- 
wheel drive and four-wheel steer. You've heard of monster 
trucks? Well, this is the monster mower. | got about $10,000 
in there, and $20,000 worth of my time. I'm going to crush all 
the other lawn mowers with her.” 


“tm infatuated with them," says Jerry “Catfish” Rider, explaining 
the passion that not only earned him his nickname but also made 
this Oklahoman the world's foremost catfish noodler. "It's the 
look of them—they're prehistoric-looking, and they got these lit- 
tle beady eyes and long whiskers.” 

Rider's affection for catfish prompted an epiphany: While there 
were plenty of bass-fishing tournaments, not a single tournament 
was devoted to bare-handed catfishing—a hunter-gatherer tech- 
nique currently practiced as a sport called noodling. He changed 
that with the Catfish Noodling Tournament. 

After work and on weekends, the 
married father of two jumps into his 
pickup, drives a mile to the North Ca- 
nadian River and wades into the wa- 
ter up to his ribs. He then scours the 
water for mud banks or hollow logs— 
anywhere a catfish may be guarding 
its eggs. Then he wiggles his fingers, 
waiting for a catfish to chomp. 

The noodler's opponent should 
not be underestimated. A catfish 
clamped to an arm—one too heavy 
to pull to the surface—can drown a 
man. And a poke by a catfish spine can hurt for weeks. Snapping 
turtles and snakes hide in the same holes as catfish. "I been bit 
by copperheads, and a turtle can take a hunk out of you. The big 
ones can lop a finger off.” 

A variety of corporations, from Budweiser to Eagle Claw 
hooks, sponsor the June Catfish Noodling Tournament. The 
tournament rules are simple: 24 hours of hands-only fishing with 
a three-fish limit—flathead catfish only. All fish must be brought 
to tournament headquarters in Pauls Valley, Oklahoma, alive and 
bearing no hook marks. Two prizes are awarded: biggest fish, 
$200; biggest stringer (combined weight of all three fish), 5300. 

Despite the sport's dangers, Rider, 46, is now coaching his 
17-year-old son to eventually take the championship mantle from 
the old man. “This is the greatest sport of them all,” Rider de- 
clares. “Your game fishermen need tackle and a rod and reel, but 
we don't need none of that junk. With us, it's man against beast, 
the way that God intended it, When you're dealing with that 
catfish, you have to be just as much of an animal as he is. But 
if you win, you not only got yourself the thrill of victory, you also 
got yourself dinner for four.” 


“This is the greatest 


us, it’s man against 
beast, the way God 
intended it. If you 
win, you not only got 
yourself the thrill of 
victory, you also 

got yourself din- 

ner for four.” 


sport of them all. With 


115 


CLAIBORNE 


ANY WELL-DRESSED MAN'S SHOPPING LIST 


This page features outfits by Claiborne. At left isa light, five-button wool suit (5285), cotton shirt (539) and silk tie 
(635). At right is a three-button wool suit with flap pockets ($169), cotton shirt (539) and silk tie (535). Janie Chang, 
design director at Claiborne, says the company's spring line uses “updated traditional menswear fabrics, decon- 
structed silhouettes and light seasonal colors. The overall look successfully combines dressy and casual elements for 
a variety of lifestyle needs.” Her gold printed jacket is by Gianluca [sala ($1495) and pants by Belvest ($456). 


> photography by gary suson > 


The outfits on this page are all by At left is 
a herringbone three-button wool suit (51855) and 
cotton shirt ($285). In the middle is a houndstooth 
sports jacket ($1555) and linen camp shirt ($285). At 
right is a cashmere sports jacket ($1555), linen camp 
shirt ($285) and flat-front trousers ($325). Roberta 
Cocco, president of Belvest, trumpets “a lot of color 
in the collection.” 


DOLCE Et GABBANA 


Both of these men are in outfits from by 

At left is a one-button suit ($880) and cotton 
shirt ($240). His shoes are by ($790). At right 
is a one-button suit ($880) and a cotton shirt ($220). His 
shoes are by ($255), and the white-gold watch 
isby ($8000). A Dolce & Gabbana spokesman sug- 


gests establishing a “personal style by mixing sportswear 


with classic looks, wearing a tailored suit jacket over car- 


go pants or pairing a striped sports top with elegantly 
tailored pants.” The folks at Dolce & Gabbana also say it’s 


all about linen this year. 


Above, at left, is a seersucker suit (5700), short-sleeve shin ($165), V-neck sweater ($195) and white shoes 
($140), all by Michael Kors. His watch is by Piaget ($19,500). Above, at right, is a wool jacket (51795), 
cotton shirt ($295) and silk tie (5135), all by Gianluca Isaia. Below are two outfits by Canali. At left is a 
linen jacket ($1295) and cotton shirt ($195). At right is a plaid jacket ($895), cotton shirt ($195) and silk tie 
($95). Elisabetta Canali says her collection shows “distinct yet discreet taste and intense colors.” 


CANALI 


The outfit on this page is 
by The 
wool pinstripe suit ($840), 
cotton shirt ($98) and knit 
tie ($110) show Mugler’s 
flair. “We always aim for 
elegance, and we're not at 
all afraid to get into new 
shapes,” says Mugler's Re- 
mato Cavero. “We do such 
things аз pinstripes over 
stripes. Our spring collec- 
tion is oriented toward a 
svelte and easy-fitting sil- 
houette, and the fabrics 
We use are mostly linen or 
linen blends.” 


These outfits ar 
tie ($115). The 
dress shirt ($31 


phasis of the 
leisurewear— 
Speaking of fl 


Leather lace-up by Johnston & Murphy (5158). The split toe gives the shoe contemporary de- 
tail. It's dark enough to wear to work and offers an alternative to black for spring and summer. 


= == = = 


seven steps for a cooler look 


brown is not the new black. it's better 
fashion by joseph de acetis 

photography by mark platt 

produced by jennifer ryan jones 


Tan leather loafer by Cole-Haan (5125). The-high vamp.(that. piece of leather-across.the.top. 
of the shoe) means you don't have to worry about your sock selection—there won't be any 
foot cleavage. Still, don't skip the socks. The sockless look is for drug dealers. 


Slip-on loafer by A. Testoni ($295). The elastic straps afford comfort and high-fashion props. 
They're also perfect for putting a twist on dressdown day. — III 


Lace-up with welt seams by Cole-Haan (S245). The shoe offers a sleek dress look—and 
the color is perfectly suited for warm weather. It goes great with a suit for spring and sum- 
mer elegance. 


Cordovan slip-on with signature horse-bit hardware by Salvatore Ferragamo (5285). This is 
a driving moccasin—you can see the squared heel that makes it gas-pedal friendly. The 
soft, pliable sole allows you to jump on the brake if need be. 


Dark-brown lace-up dress shoe by Bostonian (5100). It can be worn with dark suits, which 
makes them more appropriate for the season. A tip: Be sure to alternate use of leather shoes 
to allow them to retain their shape and to get rid of moisture—especially in hot weather. 


strap of a penny loafer makes it look slimmer and more elegant than an unadorned slip-on. By 
the way, you Can try a euro in the slot, but ditch the penny. 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUY ON PAGE 142 


124 


“My husband said we should have sex more often—but he 
idn't say who with.” 


I always like my mouth to be wet DNE 
cause if you go down on a guy with 
a dry mouth, forget it. When 1 go 


down on my boyfriend, I usually 
take a drink of water or some- 


thing. When I start sucking on 
him a little come leaks out, and 
that helps with the lubrication. 
Then Ill just spit on it to make 


it even wetter. Wetter is better 
because my hand сап easily 
slide up and down it. Then 
ГЇЇ put my mouth over the 


ead and either go really 
fast or just rub up and 
down slowly with m 
hand. He loves that. And 
then ГЇЇ twirl my tongue 
around the head. At this point his 
face is buried in the pillow because he lives with 
two other guys, and he tries not to: $ 
make a lot of noise. j 


e s Ц se 
He calls me his sex machine becau: 


when I get on top of him I 
really work. He compliments me on w 
guess some girls 9 


hat | do when I’m on top. I 
ей on а guy and don't really кту ж is 
“re doing. They don't move or enyt ا‎ Ana sek 
= ee Үуе developed muscles in my 
ee ара a lot of hip work. 


"m i d I have had 
ike the middle of the day. My boyfriend an ше 
е at two o'clock in the afternoon. ыг 
ir. n having sex when you're going 10 E = А 
ect S In in the morning, which is nn n 
= Е En it. It’s best when we really do! 
Кое, anticipate having sex. 


SEE STEPHANIE IN THE PLAYMATE VIDEO JUKEBOX AT CYBER BLAYBOY.CoM. А 


126 


CANTON 
KARATL 
800 DC 


П 
54200 o pair ра 


WK: SAYS: 1 love the way dessical music 
sounds on them. You can almost smell the 
violinist. Is mot that he doesn't bathe, he 
just smells fonny. These pull off the side- 
firing woofer concept better than the In- 
finity speakers. Tum up the mids and 
these start to boom. Then the neighbors 
knock and say, “Andrew, why must үші 
play your music so loud?” 


KLIPSCH 
REFERENCE 
SERIES RF-7 


$2200 a pir 


WK. SAYS: These are excallent for metal 
becouse they pump more midrange. Plus, 
they have a hom (like cancert speakers), 
зо үш con put a No STAGE Di sign on il 
ond spill beer inside. They're laud and 
harsh—I love il! These are extreme 
enough for Vin Diesel. He's restrained but 
he lets you know he could blow ot any 
time. Just like these speakers. 


INFINITY 
KAPPA 600 


$2400 a poire 


WK. SAYS: My dad would lave these be- 
couse he has Infinity speakers in his cor. 
Then again, he’s the type af guy who 
wouldn't buy speakers if he didn't like the 
calor of the wire. These aren't really cut- 
fing it for me. They sound like they're 
covered by people standing around at a 
cocktail party. Then өшіп, if you can 
build o speaker, yau know more than me. 


B&W 
CDM 9NT 


$2600 a pri 


VK. SAYS: Rick Rubin has these. They 
look cool. People see these in your house 
‘and go “Woah!” even before you turn 
them on. The Tranzworld CD sounds best, 
but the Brandenburg Concertos are a little 
less present. These are really true speak- 
ers, though, so | respect their modesty. 
These don't look to thrill. They just want 
ta play the song. | like that. 


HOPE I СО DEAF 
BEFORE І GET OLD 


ANDREW W.K. CRASHES OUR PARTY 
AND THRASHES OUR SPEAKERS 


Sound geeks suggest that 
before you buy a pair of 
quality speakers you 
should test them with a 
“torture track,” a song with 
extreme frequencies that 
сап expose a speaker’s 
thresholds. We did that one 
better: We invited Detroit 
rocker Andrew W.K. to 
bring some of his favorite 
CDs and blow out our 
speakers, figuring that the 
guy behind a debut album 
with three party titles —It’s 
Time to Party, Party Hard 
and Party Til You Puke—is 
best equipped to pick a 
pair that can rock the 
house. His technique: “I 
always start at a low vol. 


-Why say volume? Just save 


time and saj vol.” OK, vol. 


ANDREWW.KSTESTEDs 


Aerosmith, Ultimate Hits 


Full Blown Chaos, 
Prophet of Hostility 
Shania Twoin, Up 
[pop version) 


1.5. Bach, 
Brandenburg Concertos 


Tronzworld 5 


WHERE AND HOW TD BUY DN PAGE 142 


Andy Richter 


PLAYBOY'S 


200 


conan's former couch potato on pornography, 
overeating and his plan to rebuild iraq 


І t wasn’t that Andy Richter had а prob- 
lem with being second banana to Conan 
O'Brien for seven years. The problem was, 
Richter, 36, star of Fox’ Andy Richter Con- 
trols the Universe, had the acting bug and 
couldn't shake it. The Michigan native at- 
tended the University of Illinois, studying 
film and video. He then worked with sever- 
al Chicago-area improv pros, including the 
late Second City veteran Del Close. 

Before joining Conan, Richter appeared 
in Chris Elliott's notorious bomb, Cabin 
Boy. Toward the end of his Late Night run, 
Richter upped the ante with appearances in 
Robert Altman's Dr. T and the Women and, 
in 2002, Barry Sonnenfeld's Big Trouble. 

The Emmy nominee for Best Comedy Writ- 
ing (Late Night and Universe) continues his 
big-screen career with roles in The Guest 
and Frank McKlusky СІ. 

Robert Crane caught up with the posse- 
free Richter at La Luna in Hollywood. 


1 


PLAYBOY: What does your Richter scale 
measure? 

RICITTER: Just my passing judgment on 
everything and everyone at all times. 
It's my dark secret how truly judgmen- 
tal Lam. 1 try to be nice about it. I used 
to get criticized a lot for being cynical 
or too critical, so 1 had to surround 
myself with like-minded, professional 
bitches. And now I'm one of the more 
sunny people from my circle. 


2 


ылувоү: How did you remain interest- 
ed in the process during all those years 
of sitting there listening to celebrities 
babble? 
RICHTER: This is nothing against Co- 
nan, but frequently the interviews are 
pretty much the same. So, as a diver- 
sion, you look for the plastic surgery 
scars. 1 had a good angle, because I was 
looking right at the backs of their ears, 
which is where all the flesh gets gath- 


ered and is snipped off. Then you be- 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALISON DYER 


gin to notice the liposuction scar in the 
middle of the chin, the face-lift scar 
that’s in the hair. Also, you notice the 
beard growing behind the ears, be- 
cause all of that skin has now moved 
north a few degrees. You can see that 
some men have to shave behind their 
ears after a while. The things I love, 
and that I feel are intimate little se- 
crets, are the spider veins on a super- 
model's leg. Or the pit stains of famous 
actresses are exciting—I felt lucky to 
see them. One supermodel was wear- 
ing clear plastic pumps and her feet 
were getting hot, so the shoes were fog- 
ging up with her foot sweat, and 1 just 
thought that was one of the best things 
I'd ever seen. 


3 


PLAYBOY: Any tips on how to behave on 
a couch for hours on end? 

RICHTER: Well, if you want to look good, 
don't sit on the couch, because it makes 
you slouch. That was always the secret 
on the talk shows. And you'll notice the 
host gets to hide behind a desk, be- 
cause everyone looks good from the 
sternum up. 


4 


PLAYBOY: Define second-banananess. 
RICHTER: Іп the Ziegfeld Follies, there 
was a number where all the dancers 
came together dressed in banana cos- 
tumes and formed a bunch of bananas. 
The star of the show was at the top and 
the second star was the second banana 
It's a good thing to be a supporting 
player. It makes you less vulnerable, 
that's for sure. 


5 


PLAYBOY: List styles of obsequiousness 
that approached the line but didn't 
cross over. 

RICHTER: I didn't have to worry about it 
that much, because in instances where 
Гуе had to actually conduct interviews 


when I've guest-hosted, or when I'm 
interviewing someone whose work I'm 
not particularly fond of, I don't think 
I'm ever obsequious. I'm a litde sus- 
ceptible to people laughing at my ev- 
ery word. When my wife asks me what 
my opinion of somebody is I say, “Не 
laughs at everything I say. I think he's 
fantastic." That's a hard one to beat, 
unless you're not trying to be funny. 


6 


PLAYBOY: You are the third-highest scor- 
er in Celebrity Jeopardy history. Was there 
a question that was particularly hard? 

RICHTER: One thing you have to under- 
stand about Celebrity Jeopardy is that it's 
really not in the show's best interest 
to make celebrities look stupid, so the 
questions are pretty simple. Because 
it was taped in New York, there was a 
category about naming stores in New 
York. Like, “It starts with a Z and has 
lots of food.” “What is Zabar'sz" Jeop- 
ardy is also a unique athletic competi- 
tion, because it is a battle of thumbs. 
You have to get the rhythm of when to 
push the button, because if you push 
it before the question is over you're 
locked out for two seconds. There are 
lights on the side of the board that the 
audience doesn't see—the countdown 
is three, two, one and then yov re free 
to answer. A friend of mine, who was 
head writer on the Conan show for a 
couple of years, was a legitimate Jeop- 
ardy champion—he took home 60 grand. 
When I was done he said, "You didn't 
try to ring in on the questions you didn't 
know the answers to. That's an inter- 
esting strategy." And, I thought, No, it 
isn't. I would look like an ass if 1 rang 
in and didn't know. But I guess other 
Jeopardy people figure that they'll take 
a chance, no matter what the question. 


7 


PLAYBOY: Give us your blueprint for re- 


building Iraq. (continued on page 149) 


130 


THE WORM HAS TURNED 


superpremium mezcals—don't hide these bad boys in a margarita 


© think mezcal is tequila's bastard 
cousin? Obviously, you haven't tried 
the good stuff that comes without the 
worm. Superpremium 
mezcals smooth as fine 
scotch or cognac are now 


status sips. Robert De 


Niro and Harrison Ford 


have been known to 
knock back a few. 
Most premium mez- 
cals are made in 
small batches by families 
who have been distilling 
agave plants for hundreds of 
years. They range in price 
from $20 to $200 a bottle, so 
you'll want to drink them 
from a snifter. First there's a 
smoke-and-fire kick that 
flares your nostrils, followed 
by a cavalcade of floral and 
citrus notes, along with the 
flavor of butter, vanilla, even 
chicken. Here are our blind- 
tasting notes and ratings. ІҒ 
your girlfriend is in the mood for a 
mezcal cocktail, by all means go ahead 


and mix her one. Follow our recipes 
and study the glossary. Salud! 


By James Oliver Согу | 


AÑEJO ` | 
одо =F 
тэч 0% ACL аный 


Donaji Mezcal Añejo: 535 

The nose on this añejo suggested “a 
beoutiful Mexican girl's panties” to one 
panelist, while another commented on its 
“earthy, deep pit-roasted flovor” and rot- 
ed it excellent “but not for the faint of 
heart.” Donaji's aftertaste struck some as 
“long-lasting and smoother than the oth- 
ers,” but one taster likened it to “Chinese 
herbal medicine” and another to “cas- 
tor oil.” The “slight sweetness in the fore- 
taste” prompted one taster to ask, “Is 
this а home brew?" 


Del Maguey Crema de Mezcal: $36 

The winner of the World Spirits Champi- 
onship 2002 contains 20 percent unfer- 
mented agave honey; its marketing pitch 
is “For Women Only—and a Few Strong 
Men.” One taster would enjoy it “after 
dinner, in a snifter.” Others thought it was 
100 sweet, with one going so for as to say 
it would appeal mainly to “wimps and 
margarita drinkers.” Vanilla, pineapple, 
almond and pear flavors were detected in 
the aftertaste, as was an “intense smoky 
finish." "It doesn't drink like a mezcal.” 


Don Amado Añejo Mezcal: $35 

“Smells like good coke—the snorting 
kind” was several tasters’ immediate im- 
pression (where are we getting these 
tosters?), along with the observotion that 
“one shot mode me want more.” Don 
Amado's “smoky, woody taste" reminded 
onother panelist of a good single malt 
scotch. However, the bitter aftertaste that 
made ponelists’ eyes water “like a hot 
chile” bothered the majority, even if some 
continued to sing the praises of its “low 
sweetness and nice balance.” 


sauce 
Combine ingre- 
dients in a tall 
gloss. Stir and 
garnish with 
lime wedge. 


twist and 
embrace 
your 


fa 


Ethnic Bloody Mez Mexican Volcano | Silk Stockings 
Mi *2 ounces e 1 aunce mezcal | 9 1/ ounces 
1x mezcal * 4 ounce mezcal | 
*Bauncestomo-| white rum * 4 ounce 
ta juice. * % ounce grenadine 
e Tabasco Cointreau e 1% ounces 
* Celery salt * Squeeze of lime milk or cream 
e Pepper Shake with ice, © 2 ice cubes 
ө Worcestershire | garnish with a lime | Mix ingredients in a blender, 


sprinkle with 
ground 
cinna- 
man, 
garnish 
with а 
cherry 
and serve 
to your 
date. Re- 


ресі as 
needed. 


inner 
lava. 


El Glossary 


Agave (also maguey): It takes up to 12 years 
before Mexican mezcal makers con harvest 
this plant and get you plotzed. Please don't 
call ita cactus. 

Añejo: lt means “aged,” but not like ће 25- 
yeur-old scotch your dad kept in the liquor 
cabinet. To earn its lofty title, añejo mezcal is 
stored for ut least one year in oak barrels. 
Look far a golden pee-like color Yes, amigos, 
that's a good thing. 

Blanco: Fancy for “fresh from the still"—in 
other words it's the cheap stuff. The color is 
usually white ar silver, not gold or amber. 
Mezcal (versus tequila): As the not-particu- 
larly-famous Mexican saying goes: All te- 
quilas are mezeals, but not all mezcals are 
tequilas. Specifically, tequila, which comes 
from the Jalisco state in Mexico, is made from 


blue ogave that is steamed. Mezcal comes 
from Oaxaca, It’s made from a for less 
pronounceable type of agave that 

is roasted. 

Piña: As in colada? Sort of. This 
is the pineapple-shaped heart 
of the agave plant that can 
weigh more than the folks 

iN who drink it. A 200-pound 

|| agave yields about 15 liters 
| j БЕС 

Reposada: This translates to 
rested, which means not 
quite aged. Generally it's 
been stored in wooden casks 
or vats for two months fo a year. 


Worm Tri 


gusana de oro (white or gold) and the more prized 
gusano rojo (red). The latter is considered a delicacy. 
It's also quite nutritious. Contrary to urban legends, 
the worms are neither aphrodisiacs nar hallucino- 
gens. Why is mezcal sold con worm? Because dis- 
tillers of the cheap stuff need a gimmick that will 
attract the frat boys. 


2 There are two types 


Del Maguey Pechuga Mezcal: $200 

Fewer than 200 bottles af this rare triple- 
distilled mezcal are produced annually іп 
Oaxaca, but that didn't stap one panelist 
from asking “Is there a touch of anise, or 
is that anus?” Others thaught it had “a 
bite like a real mezcal” and a “heavy af- 
tertaste.” Its “bitter finish" reminded one 
toster af grappo. In Pechugas distillation 
process, a skinned chicken breast sus- 
pended in the still is said to give this mez- 
cal “balance.” Only one panelist detected 
ап essence af chicken. 


Mezcal del Maestro Citrus: $32 

Del Maestro is infused with lemons, ar- 
anges and a bit of honey, three additives 
that reminded ane panelist of "lighter flu- 
id, bug spray ond Mr. Clean.” Lemony- 
fresh dishwashing detergent and perfume 
were also mentianed. “Thank Gad this 
stuff tastes betier than it smells,” said one. 
Mast liked the oftertaste more than the 
initial taste, commenting on the “linger- 
ing lemon-and-honey finish,” which “crept 
up on you slowly like a back-alley pick- 
pocket on the prawl.” 


Mezcal del Maestro Anejo Reserva: $52 
“Smoother thon smooth. Lang oaky finish: 
Must be the charred Kentucky white aak 
barrels they use ta age it," and "mezcol 
meets Jim Beam" were some of the raves 
given to this premium reserva. “Rich, cam- 
plex taste,” “woody,” “gaod smell” and 
“this must be the most expensive mezcal 
of the lot" were other abservatians. “I sus- 
pect I'd like it more after a little time. It 
seems on acquired taste,” concluded one 
panelist, but after evaluating six mezcals 
in ane afternoon, who can know for sure? 


35333 


WHERE AND HOW TO BUYON PAGE 14: 


131 


THE DR. PHIL S.a.T. 


YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKES TV’S REIGNING 
SHRINK SO MUCH IT'S DRIVING YOU CRAZY. 
HERE'S HOW YOU CAN FIGHT BACK 


To watch Dr. Phil is to hate him.TV's most popular shrink exploits more 
innocent wackos than Jerry Springer. Pathetic creatures—are there 
any other kind on daytime TV?—flock to be on his show, where they 
spill their guts about their darkest secrets, humiliating their friends 
The woman in 

your life loves him. She thinks his advice makes sense. We feel your 

pain, pal. We say take our Dr. Phil SAT and you'll get inside Dr. Phil's 
| bald head. Ready? All you need is a sharp number 2 pencil. 


and fat s. But here's the worst thing about Dr. Phi 


SECTION ONE: ARE YOU AS SMART AS DR. PHIL? 


Неге are three problems ripped from Dr. Phil's show. See if you 
can pick Dr. Phil's actual advice—a unique blend of psychobab- 
ble, tough love and painfully obvious observations designed to 
segue into the commercial breaks. 


€) Meagan and Rod have been married six weeks. Meagan con- 
stantly wants to have sex. Rod, on the other hand, prefers cuddling. Mea- 
gan's incessant demands make poor Rod feel like a sex slave. 

ГА | “Are you being real with yourself, Rod? Do you find 
yourself watching shows on the WB? Are you overly excited when 
you read *Men's Health’? Do you own any Streisand albums? 
Wake up and smell the frappuccino.” 

ТВ ] “Meagan, it’s up to you to make him interested. Per- 
haps if you lost 120 pounds or purchased a vat of Nair. It’s the lit- 
tle things that keep passion alive.” 

ГС ] “Are you some kind of weirdo or something? [Reads 
сие card] ‘Can't a man just cuddle?’ That must be some sort of 
typo." 

Ө Dr. Phil and son Jay (a regular contributor to the show) have dis- 
covered a terrifying new problem—teens are having oral sex! Dr. Phil 
sends the overly earnest Jay out in the field to interview a few eager-to- 
please teenage girls. “It’s a crisis," says Dr. Phil. 

[A 1 "Do the girls understand what these hairy-legged boys 
are thinking? If you haven't talked to your teens about sex, 
chances are they're having it. And it probably never occurred to 
you to talk about oral sex. I know it never did me.” 

[ B 1 “Look at my son Jay: He's 23—do you think he's ever 
gotten a blow job? Parents: Listen to me. If you want your kids to 
avoid the perils of oral sex, you have to make them as unappeal- 
ing as possible.” 

| € 1 “Let me tell you, no one can control a teenager. You 
might as well try to herd cats. The time to teach your teen- 
ager about sex 15 before he or she is a teenager and hates your 
guts.” 

€) Susan likes felines. She currently cares for 17 of them, and would 
gladly take in more ugly, smelly strays. Her boss says ¡Us distract- 
ing her from her work. Her father is convinced she'll get a disease “like 
the bubonic plague” from the filth. Only her idiot boyfriend doesn’t seem 
to mind. 

ТА | “Good lord, woman, 1 can smell you from across the 
stage. Ever hear of Lever 2000?” 

— [B ] "It's normal. Enjoy your cats. And if your boyfriend 
likes cats, you'd better hold on to him.” 

| C ] “It’s time for you to get real about this problem, and 
the problem isn't about cats. You're hiding behind 17 feral balls 
of fur. What are you hiding from?” 


ILLUSTRATION EY DOUGLAS ВОЕНМ 


SECTION TWO: DR. PHIL VS. DR. DAN 


No one does the English language prouder than a Texan.A pair of Lone 
Star TV personalities—Dr. Phil and Dan Rather—have taken this tra- 
dition to new heights. These two men use their roots to justify an end- 
less barrage of faux homespun homilies: colorful and tortured sayings 
that make about as much sense as bifocals on a ferret. Which Texas 
brainiac said the following? 


| 11 "There ain't no Santa Claus, tere ain't no pony and Elvis is 
way dead.” D D 

1 2 | “Nobody slipped you a stupid pill, and you alee some 
moron who should be in an institution." 7 Dr. D 
ГЗ | "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun 


[41 “I've sone walleyed, steerheaded, over-the-top selfish crazy.” 
| 5 1 "I think you can be an honest п and lie about any num- 
Aia ^ O Dr Phil a 

5 1 “An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the "Wil- 
lias Tell Overture” and not think of the Lone Ranger.” 


7 1 "I'm going jackass batty here. I hate to tell you this, but I 
think a huge part of my life absolutely sucks. 


Dr i L 


8 | "Somebody needs to put a muzzle on my wife.” 


19 1 "So much of what I did was as unnatural for me as it would 
be for a dog trying to fly.” r. Dar 


[ 10 ] "Have I just gone insane?” 


HOW YOU RATE 


ANSWER KEY: 
же (OU ‘Yue (6) 148 (8) LE) 19) veg (S) "Y (6) veo (D “Maa (Z) 168 (0 VEO 90 s» sd id 


'8 (Q VID 70 ve saws venei ay 


“She's fainted! Somebody get her a glass of water while I loosen her pasties!” 


ELECTRIFYING 


SHE'S GOT 
> THIS MUSIC 
THING LICKED 


ARMEN ELECTRA rocks. Let us 
count the ways: (1) Prince 
released her first CD on 
y his record label. (2) She's 
engaged to Dave Navarro 
of fanal 's Addiction. (3) She's received 
rave reviews as the lead singer and 
dancer in the Pussycat Dolls, a modern 
cabaret revue in Los Angeles. “We're 
working on putting together a tour and 
recording a CD,” says Carmen. “Even 
though it's burlesque, 1 feel like we're a 
rock band.” 

Gwen Stefani, 
Brittany Murphy and Charlize Theron 
have slipped into sexy corsets, garter 
belts and loads of lace to share the stage 
with Carmen as guest Pussycats. “Who 
knew that Brittany Murphy has such an 
amazing voice?” she asks. “To see her 
onstage blew me away. That's what is so 
special about the Pussycat Dolls.” 

Carmen just completed а movie with 
Ashton Kutcher and Tara Reid, and 
she is co-host of the new series Livin” 
Large, an updated take on Lifestyles of 
the Rich and Famous. She also suited up 
with the rest of the gang for this year's 
Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding. 

Carmen met and fell in love with 
Navarro after a year of being unat- 
tached. “Dave had ended a four-year 
relationship and was single for about a 
Il, so it was perfect timing,” 

ys. "We have had such similar ex- 
periences. I think we're really lucky to 
have each other.” The couple recently 
moved in together, but they haven't set 
a wedding date. “Dave and I have great 
communication and don't act out,” she 
s. “We talk about our problems, and 
it beautiful. That has changed my lite 
because there are no і 

Carmen doesn't trip over tabloid gos- 
sip anymore, either. "At one point it re- 
ally hurt me,” she confesses. “You go 
out on a few dates with someone like 
Fred Durst, and for the rest of your life 
you hear about this person. 1 men- 
опей that to Dave and he just started 
laughing. I let it all go now.” 


PHOTOGRAPHY BY 
STEPHEN WAYDA 


142 


Below is а list of retailers and 
manufacturers you can contact 
for information on where to 
find this month's merchandise. 
To buy the apparel and equip- 
ment shown on pages 33, 34, 
43-44, 86-92, 116-121, 122- 
123, 126-127, 130-131 and 
163, check the listings to find 
the stores nearest you. 


MUSIC 

Page 33: Cat Power, mata 
dorrecords.com. Cave In, 
rearecords.com. CKY, islandrecords.com. 
Alex Cortiz, Swirl Records, 910-350-0086. 
Dirty Three, tgrec.com. Rob Jungklas, mad 
jackrecords.com. Kinski, subpop.com. Lai- 
ha, toopure.com. Johnny Marr and the Heal- 
ers, imusic.com. Mickey and the Soul Genera- 
tion, quannum.com. Roots, mcarecords. 
com. Thee Michelle Gun Elephant, alive-to 
talenergy.com. T. Rex, rhino.com. Turin 
Brakes, astralwerks.com. Unwritten Law, 
lavarecords.com. Paul Weller, yeproc.com. 


GAMES 

Page 34: Capcom, 408-774-0500 or cap 
com.com. Disney Interactive, won20.net. EA 
Games, 877-324-2637 or ea.com. Id Soft- 
ware, idsoftware.com. Lucas Arts, lucasarts. 
сот. Sony, 800-222-7669, sony.com or sta 
tion.com. 


MANTRACK 

Pages 43-44: Atlantic Luggage, atlanticlug 
gage.com. Chronicle Books, chroniclebooks. 
com. Driven Image, 877-437-4836 or driv 
enimage.com. Hard Rock, 407-599-7625 or 
hardrock.com/vault. 


THE YEAR IN MUSIC 

Pages 86-92: Ashanti, defjam.com/mur 
derinc. Dirty Vegas, hollywoodandvine. 
com. Dixie Chicks, sonymusic.com. Eminem, 
interscope.com. Norah Jones, bluenote.ca. 
Avril Lavigne, arista.com. Jennifer Lopez, 
sonymusic.com. Dave Matthews Band, rca 
records.com. Ozzy Osbourne, sonymusic. 
com. Rolling Stones, virginrecords.com. 
Run-DMC, arista.com. Spider-Man, sony 
music.com. Donnas, atlanticrecords.com. 


Foo Fighters, rcarecords.com. 
Detroit Cobras, sympathyrec 
ords.com. ЕМІ-Сарйоі Cres- 
cent City Soul series, holly 
woodandvine.com. Raveon- 
eltes, crunchyfrog.dk. Sly 
and the Family Stone, lega 
cyrecordings.com. Weezer, 
interscope.com. When Ihe 
Sun Goes Down: The Secret 
History of Rock and Roll, 
rcarecords.com. Yeah Yeah 
Yeahs, tgrec.com. Steve Earle, 
artemisrecords.com. System 
of a Down, sonymusic.com. 


FASHION 

Pages 116-121: Suits: Belvest, belvest.com. 
Canali, canali.it. Carolina Herrera, carolina 
herrera.com. Claiborne, 212-626-3905. 
Cole-Haan, colchaan.com. Реб, by Dolce 
and Gabbana, dolcegabbana.it. Gianluca 
Isaia, gianlucaisaia.com. Giorgio Armani, 
giorgioarmani.com. John Lebb, 212-888- 
9707. Michael Kors, 212-452-4685. Piaget, 
piaget.com. Seiko, seikousa com. Thierry 
Mugler, thierrymugler.com. Pages 122-123: 
Shoes: А. Testoni, testoni.com. Bostonian, 
bostonianshoe.com. Cole-Haan, colehaan. 
com. Gordon Rush, gordonrush.com. Jahn- 
ston & Murphy, johnstonmurphy.com. Sal- 
valore Ferragamo, salvatoreferragamo.it. 


SPEAKERS 

Pages 126-127: BOW, 800-570-3740. Can- 
ton, 612-706-9250 or cantonusa.com. In- 
frity, 800-553-3332 or infinitysystems 
сот. Klipsch, klipsch.com. 


MEZCAL 
Pages 130-131: Del Maguey Crema de Mez- 
cal and Del Maguey Pechuga Mezcal, mez 
cal.com. Don Amado Añejo Mercal, 800-548- 
3332 or donamado.com. Donaji Mezcal 
Añejo, 773-545-2777 or viprofix.com/iru/ 
mezcal. html. Mezcal del Maestro Citrus and 
Mezcal del Maestro Añejo Reserva, 520-888- 
7008, 888-751-7648 or tequilatrail.com. 


ON THE SCENE 
Page 163: Bentley Motors, bentleymotors. 
com. 


CREDITS: FHOTOORAPHY BY! P. з SCOTT CURTIS, DAVID GOODMAN, KENNETH зон 
IP. 3 STEPHEN WAYDA, F. ө CORBIS. CHUCK GALLYON. IMAGE DIRECT (2). Wi 


S JANET WOOLLEY, E 43 BILL BENWAY, P. 169 ISTVAN BANYAN STAMP ART BY: P. 15 TONY 


(continued from page 64) 


JAY-Z: You get angry, but at the end of 
the day, I'm not going to do nothing. It 
just pushes you to make better records. 1 
got mad and went into the studio. 
PLAYBOY: Which got you angrier: When 
he called you ugly or when he implied 
you're gay? 

JAY-Z: Ugly? А guy's not supposed to 
judge another guy. So that didn't bother 
me. But there's an imaginary line in the 
sand, and most people cross it when they 
are off balance. You don't say things 
about another guy's genitalia 

PLAYBOY: He said that you should suck 
his dick. 

JAY-Z: Yeah. You can't say that to a man. 
It’s like when you have nothing else to 
grab on to and you say, “Fuck you! Your 
mother!” I take comfort from that. I 
dropped some heavy records, and he was 
a little off balance. 

PLAYBOY: You offered to settle the fight in 
a boxing ring. Was there ever a chance 
that would happen? 

JAY-Z: No, too much to lose. Especially in 
rap. People get knocked out, they lose 
that image. When you're listening to a 
record, “I'm the illest!” I don't know, 
man, I just saw you get knocked out 
[laughs]. I hear what you're saying, but 
my eyes are seeing something different. 
1 would have boxed him. 

PLAYBOY: How do you know you would 
have won? 

JAY-Z: My will. My will alone. I'm too 
strong, man. 

PLAYBOY: Blueprint 2 is a double album. 
Whar's next, a triple album? 

JAY-Z: Never. That was too much music. 
Eminem said, “Yo, I love the album, 
man. I ain't finished listening to it. But 
I'm gonna get to it.” 

PLAYBOY: On The Ruler's Back, you liken 
yourself to Martin Luther King Jr and 
Rosa Parks. 

JAY-Z: What did I say? 

PLAYBOY: We have to tell you? You've 
written so many songs, you can't remem. 
ber your own lyri 
JAY-Z: Word up. Friends have to tell me 
my rhymes all the time. 
PLAYBOY: “I'm representing. . - . 
JAY-Z: “I'm representin’ for the seat 
where Rosa Parks sat/Where Malcolm 
X was shot, where Martin Luther was 
popped.” Yeah. I believe that every black 
person has a responsibility. When you do 
good, everyone is looking at you—every 
black person. So you're the same person 
as Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King 
and Malcolm X. I'm not 
ing the hood and Roc-A-Fella Record: 
I'm representing for the whole culture. 
A lot of people look at me like they 
looked at Martin Luther King. 

PLAYBOY: Some people might say, "What's 
a rapper who used to deal drugs doing 
comparing himself to Dr. King?” 
JAY-Z: I'm not like a politician who says 


he never did nothing wrong. I'm not a 
saint—I did bad things. I fucked up. But 
I'm a very legit person. I try not to do 
bad things anymore. I try to be a decent 
citizen. 

PLAYBOY: But you're not al so level- 
headed and orderly. In December 1999 
you were arrested for stabbing Lance 
“Un” Rivera in a nightclub and pleaded 
guilty to misdemeanor assault. What hap- 
pened that night? 

JAY-Z: A light got out of hand. 

PLAYBOY: The rumor was, you were mad 
because he was bootlegging your music. 
JAY-Z: That doesn't make sense. My stuff. 
gets bootlegged every year. It had noth- 
ing to do with bootlegging. 

PLAYBOY: If the story's been told wrong, 
set the record straight. 

JAY-Z: No. There's a lot of stories being 
told wrong. 1 can't correct every story. 
Me and Un, we talk—we're not cool, but 
we're not mad. 

PLAYBOY: Why did you have a knife on 
you that night? 

JAY-Z: I don't want to talk about the 
knives, Just leave that one alone. 
PLAYBOY: Let's put it this way: At any giv- 
еп time, do you have protection on you? 
JAY-Z: No. One time 1 heard Russell Sim- 
mons say, “I don't even want to see a 
gun. I don't want no friends with guns." 


1 was like, He's crazy. But now I feel the 
same way. What's wrong with me? I'm a 
gangsta rapper. [Makes a mean face] From 
the hood. 

PLAYBOY: But a few months after the stab- 
bing, you were arrested again because 
your bodyguard was found with an un- 
licensed Glock semiautomatic. 

JAY-Z: I'm seldom with а bodyguard. I 
like to go and come as I please. I go to 
games by myself all the time. But if I'm 
going to be in a partylike atmosphere, 
where there's a bunch of people? Yeah, 
definitely, 100 percent. Like Michael 
Jackson or Britney Spears would. 
PLAYBOY: If he had the gun, why were 
you charged? I don't understand. 

JAY-Z: Me, neither. I didn't have a gun. I 
was in a limousine with a partition. The 
partition was up. I don’t know what's go- 
ing on inthe front. But Um thinking, All 
right, he's going to straighten it out. 1 
was joking around with the cop. I was 
laughing. Then the cop was like, Turn 
around, put your hands behind your 
back. I wasn't laughing no more. They 
said they charged me because it was my 
car. Took my fingerprints and a picture. 
I understood it later. It was just for the 
media. The DA has a publicist who came 
down to the station house. That was all 
about imaging, 


PLAYBOY: From your first album to the 
last, you use the word fag a lot. Are you 
homophobic? 

JAY-Z: Um, I think rap is homophobic. I 
don't know. I could be. My friends and 
I play a game called Pause—if you say 
something that sounds gay, like, “I was 
with the dude the other day,” you have 
to say, “Pause.” That could be viewed as 
homophobic. I stopped playing Pause 
this year—I'm too grown. So maybe I'm 
getting better. 

PLAYBOY: But not playing Pause doesn't 
mean you're no longer homophobic 
JAY-Z: | mean, it's a start, man. Shit. God- 
damn [laughs]. 

PLAYBOY: Could there ever be a successful 
gay rapper? 

JAY-Z: That would be extremely tough. 
Rap is all, “Pickin' off a motherfucker 
like that. [Makes a mean face] I'm from the 
hood.” 

PLAYBOY: Every time you say, “I'm from 
the hood,” you screw up your face like a 
cartoon villain. 

JAY-Z: Because it's funny. "I'm from the 
hood." It's a joke. You can't take that se- 
riously. Rappers, we ain't from the hood. 
We got nice homes and nice cars. We 
from the mansion. 


TEATS EWoucH EXERCISE “ЕР. OVE 
DAY, ШОТ YoU SM, WEEULZ 


PLAYBOY 


144 


LAST SCORE 


(continued from page 84) 

He'd probably seen The Poet and the 
Bandit, a documentary made about my 
wife and me, half a year earlier. “Hey, 
come on up, I want her to meet you.” 

And there it was. My conundrum, my 
Rubik's Cube without colors, the puzzle 
that doesn't respond to logic. My feet fol- 
lowed him up the fire escape and into 
the building. It wasn't his old lady I hun- 
gered to meet, but a much paler lady 
from my past. 

Why would I succumb to the urge al- 
terall the clean years? The answer is that 
1 don't know the answer. 

The ponytail dude rapped on a door. 
and we walked into a small airless junkie 
apartment that smelled of toadstools and 
cat urine. A woman with the slow eyes of 
a Шаға bid me to be seated on a worn- 
out couch. It seemed the perfect place to 
unmake my life, just for today. 

1 smoked the dope that afternoon. 
There was no euphoric buzz, just a nice 
bump into that warm and safe place, 
which is all I ever expected or wanted 
from heroin. Using, for me, has never 
been about the pursuit of bliss—it was 
merely a way to break even 

1 nodded ош on the couch, then woke 
up startled by the lateness of the eve- 
ning. 1 stopped twice on the rush home— 
once to throw up and once to buy a pack 
of cigarettes. I arrived past my daugh- 
ters’ bedtime. My wife smelled the tobas 
со on my breath and saw the long-dis- 
tance holes in my eyes. She retreated to 
our bedroom, closed the door and wept. 
On the table 1 found a birthday cake, 
surrounded by some presents and a hand- 


made card with “Happy Birthday Dad- 
dy” scrawled across the top. Even having 
spent so many years in the can, that was 
the loneliest moment of my life. 

1 slept on the couch that night and in 
the morning I said my junkie prayers— 
never ever again, Lord—and made all 
the junkie promises my wife could listen 
to. Within three days I was back in the 
toadstool apartment for another after- 
noon with Dude and the Lizard Lady. 
Within three weeks I was injecting five 
speedballs a day. 

Before my wife was able to confiscate 
my plastic, I flew to Toronto and cuffed 
a shitload of coke from a crew of old 
friends, major earners known as the Grad- 
vates. I used my reputation as collat- 
eral. By the third month my home life 
was in shreds. I had either shot or front- 
ed out the coke to some gypsy junkies 
from whom I had no hope of ever col- 
lecting. 1 was 90 grand in debt, payday 

vas looming and my life was in the toilet. 
Time to go to the bank. 


I'm standing in the middle of the Roy- 
al Bank of Canada holding a weapon the 
length of a Volkswagen Jetta and wear- 
ing a Halloween mask, yet people just 
stare at me, wondering what it is 1 want. 
No one is moving. Гуе been a holdup 
1 know the words for "This is 

in five languages, and two 
and Cantonese) for 
the casinos. Today 1 give the 15 or so 
bank customers the lowdown in English. 
People begin to fold, to lower themselves 
cautiously to the polished floor. A tall 
guy, six and change, gives me a look. 1 
raise the shotgun and move toward him. 


“My dog sniffs drugs, too. But he just does it for fun.” 


Не folds reluctantly. With chat attitude 
1 figure he's a cop—and could be ankle- 
strapped. I turn a full 360 and step be- 
tween the sprawled bodies. The scene 
looks like a crowded swimming pool that 
has been drained too quickly. 

There's a certain rush you get once 
you're inside, holding the gun. It's like 
shooting a movie in real time. You own 
all those characters’ lives, whether you 
want to or not. Around me all is quiet ex- 
cept the whir of the security cameras 
clicking away at five frames per second. 
My gun barrel comes to rest on the mus- 
tachioed man behind the desk in the 
glassed-in manager's office. He emerges, 
sleeves rolled up, tie loose. His hands 
pose surrender but his face wears a con- 
fidence not warranted, as if he knows 
something 1 don't. But I already know. A 
hidden alarm button somewhere in the 
bank has been pushed, probably the one 
under his desk. That this score was go- 
ing to be on the police radio frequency 
within 15 seconds of my entrance is sim- 
ply a bank-robbing fact of life. 

The manager starts for the floor but I 
stop him. Just then, another man wear- 
ing the same shirt-and-tie ensemble 
scoots out of a back oflice already down 
on his butt. I now have the mustachioed 
manager standing there still showing me 
his elbows and palms and what I as- 
sumed to be the assistant manager on his 
butt on the floor. 

For a few long seconds everyone stays 
frozen, then I realize they are waiting for 
me. 1 had never done a bank alone. Usu- 
ally 1 just wore the stopwatch and all 1 
had to do was command the floors and 
doors while my guys cleaned the place 
out. Finally I click into gear. "You!" I jerk 
the barrel at the assistant manager, “Get 
off your butt and get the back door un- 
locked! And you,” I swing around to the 
manager, “get the night deposit bags 
brought out and the safes opened up!” 

The two managers stare at each other 
helplessly then cry in unison, “Helen!” 

А 50ish woman—Helen, I presume— 
rises timidly from the floor and speaks 
hesitantly. “The safes can't be opened for 
another hour, the night deposit bags аге 
already gone and the key to the back 
door is in the middle office, first drawer 
on the right. All we have on hand is the 


t she steps over to a desk be- 
ind the counter and begins emptying 
the drawer. My heart crashes at the 
sight—a pitiful pile of fives and 105. 
s the hard evidence, the differ- 
ence between a drug-fueled fantasy and 
the reality of a well-planned score. 

The clock's ticking. I get the assistant 
manager to open the back door, then 
swing around to hold sway on the bank. 
That's when 1 spot it, the punch line to 
the old joke When is a door not a door? 
When it’s ajar. This jar leads to the room 
behind the automatic teller machines. A 


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PLAYBOY 


146 


new plan ka-chings into place like three 
cherries and an anchor on a slot ma- 
chine. I throw the duffel bag at the man- 
ager and tell him what 1 want—the cash 
in the ATMs. He rolls his eyes and calls, 
“Helen! I need you to open the ma- 
chines.” He rounds the end of the count- 
er, joins up with Helen the Teller and to- 
gether they head into the loading room. 
I check the floor again. The assistant 
manager has the back door opened and 
I catch a new jolt of fear. Гће car is no- 
where in sight. 

Stacks of $10s and $20s are flying into 
the duffel bag in three-foot lengths, but 
it's taking too long to withdraw and un- 
load each cassette. “Hurry!” 1 yell. “Just 
throw the whole tray in.” They do, and 
out comes the manager carrying the 
bulging duffel bag. 1 point toward the 
back door. A woman customer enters, 
sees me, sees the gun and then crouches 
down against the wall by the door. As the 
manager passes her he says, “Welcome 
to Victoria. 

The car and Lint Ball are there, much 
to his credit and my relief. The manager 
drops the bag into the open trunk and I 


thank him. He slams the lid shut and 
storms back into the bank without saying 
“You're welcome.” 

Time to scram. Suddenly a red Volvo 
comes out of nowhere and stops bumper 
to bumper in front of us. Blocked in! 
The driver, an ancient woman, squints 
through her windshield, her bony fin- 
gers clutching the steering wheel. Be- 
yond the Volvo, across the street, stands 
а cop in her summer uniform—short- 
sleeve tunic and navy shorts. Her bare 
legs are planted two feet apart. She and 
her gun are in a three-point stance aimed 
right at us. 

“Stop! Right where you are!” 


We gas-pedal our way out of there and 
fishtail onto a narrow street, nearly side- 
swiping a line of parked cars. The thunk 
of the bullet never comes. I'm sull ex- 
pecting the shot as we hit the T-section at 
the end of the block and turn left, out of 
the line of fire. Lint Ball accelerates. His 
jaw is tight and he's strangling the steer- 
ing wheel as we tear up two blocks then 
lean into a hard left. 


^I didn't hear any complaints from you before we watched 
this damn porn tape.” 


I'm twisted around, looking out the 
rear window. There's a three-way inter- 
section coming up, a right will put us on 
a shortcut through Beacon Hill Park. 
Make that without the cops spotting us 
and we got a win. I can hear sirens, but 
there is nothing with us yet. We make 
the turn, but before I can twist back 
around, Lint Ball hits the brakes so hard 
I pitch forward into the dash. We are 
forced to a moving crawl, trapped be- 
hind a horse-drawn tourist carriage. Be- 
fore I can stop him, Lint Ball cranks the 
wheel and speeds off down a paved bicy- 
cle path. The entrance is marked by a 
yellow No VEHICLES sign, but that seems 
like the least of our worries. 

I'm kneeling in the front seat facing 
back. A cruiser stops broadside at the 
yellow sign, spots us and turns in. “Fuck. 
fuck, fuck!" I snatch the shotgun, wran- 
gle my body halfway out the window and 
take aim across the roof. It's only bird- 
shot, but the boom of the gun and the 
yellow flame spitting from the barrel 
should be enough to knock a couple of 
rookies off our tail. Sure enough, the 
cruiser brakes, but before I can say ya- 
hoo, a motorcycle cop steers around the 
cruiser and comes roaring at us down 
the lane. I raise the shotgun and fire 
again. He swerves, reguns the throttle 
and keeps coming. 

We fly over a small stone bridge, passa 
duck pond and a petting zoo. Park stroll- 
ers are frozen in midstep, openmouthed 
and gawking. Lint Ball is again braking 
hard. My focus shifts. Behind us the 
motorcycle, lights flashing, crosses the 
bridge. Ahead are steel posts sunk into 
the pavement, the space between them 
too narrow for the car to pass through. 

Lint Ball halts the car about two feet in 
front of the posts, apparently ready to 
toss in the towel. I throw my leg over the 
paneling, put my foot over his and push 
the gas pedal all the way to the floor. The 
engine screams. All he can do is steer. 
The metal posts rip both sides of the car, 
hurling sparks everywhere, and we pop 
free into a four-wheel slide across a busy 
intersection, barely missing a kid hold- 
ing a skateboard under his arm. The oth- 
er cars stop оп a dime, a couple wrench- 
ing sideways. We somehow get righted, 
find an opening and barrel straight 
down into the heart of the James Bay 
neighborhood. 

I begin to think we've lost the motor- 
cycle cop, but then I see him—the white 
bug shield, emergency lights still puls- 
ing. We start a long dance, us and that 
lone cop. We're racing down the street 
and he's staying just out of shotgun 
yange while maintaining a visual. We're 
flat out, doing 80, maybe 90, an hour, 
almost flying velocity on a residential 
street. I'm wedged out the window, wind 
whipping my hair, and for one glori- 
ous moment, when that shotgun bucks 
against my shoulder and all four tires lift 


free of the ground, I'm no longer bound 
to this earth. But we bounce right back 
down and the motorcycle is still coming 
on like a bad consequence. 

1 think of the Chinese assault rifle ly- 
ing under the blanket. But today isn't a 
day for killing. I come up with anoth- 
er plan as we near a sharp, almost 90- 
degree curve on Dallas Road. “Round 
this corner and stop!” I scream. Lint Ball 
slams on the brakes. 

I jump out of the car and straddle 
the middle of the empty road, shotgun 
poised, staring straight into dead man's 
curve. I can hear the roaring growl of 
the approaching motorcycle. The cop 
accelerates into the curve and when he 
spots me, he spills. The bike slides out, 
the front wheel bounces off a concrete 
barrier and the cop tumbles ass over tea- 
kettle down a grass embankment. 

1 get back in the car. Lint Ball is jump- 
ing out of his skin. “You did it, man, you 
did it!” 

Now we're clear, mere blocks from 
where we had earlier planted a fresh car. 
For reasons only he will ever know, Lint 
Ball turns back into the chase, straight 
toward a posse of cop cars that had been 
trying to catch up to the action. Before 
1 can get him turned around, an un- 
marked but unmistakable cop car comes 
off a side street onto our tail. A hundred 
yards ahead a black and white pulls side- 
ways, blocking the road. A cop jumps out 
and points his pistol straight between my 
eyes. Lint Ball brakes, wheels into a drive- 
way. I bail. For a split second 1 look over 
my shoulder and see Lint Ball, stand- 
ing in that driveway, his hands raised in 
the air. 

I struggle over a high wooden fence 
and sprint across a lawn, but my body 
betrays me. I lean against the rough 
bark of a tree and throw up. Then I stag- 
ger toward an apartment building, the 
cries of “There he is, there he is” audible 
in the near distance. I'm expecting to 
catch one between the shoulder blades 
any second now, but I'm so worn out 1 
feel more resignation than terror. 

I make the lobby of the apartment 
building, push through and start knock- 
ing on doors, trying to find an entry i 
one of the apartments facing the rear. 
I can go straight through and out the 
back door I might be gone, leaving the 
cops to believe I'm still inside. Here's a 
laundry room, no exit. I open the stair- 
well door and through a plate-glass win- 
dow I see a cop, revolver drawn, in a 
crouched run along the side of the build- 
ing. I'm trapped. So I head up the stairs 
and start knocking on doors on the sec- 
ond floor. 

Number 206 opens. A woman i 
ing there and I push my wa 
takes all of two seconds for the futility of 
my predicament to flood through my 
body. I slide the shotgun under the 
couch and walk into the bathroom to 
wash my face. When 1 come out, I spot 


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148 


the woman who answered the door. She 
is sitting in a chair in the bedroom, hold- 
ing the hand of an elderly man who is 
under the covers. 1 imagine they are 
praying. 

1 return to the living room and sit on a 
couch, slumped with the knowledge that 
my life is over. The couple come out of 
the bedroom and introduce themselves 
as John and Kathy, as if 1 were some 
kind of distant relative stopping in by 
surprise. 

“You're sweating so much,” Kathy 
says. She fetches me a glass of water. The 
old man comes out, sits down next to me 
and starts rolling a cigarette. He speaks 
with an accent. “I don't know what you 
are doing in my house. You must be in 
trouble with police.” He hands me the 
cigarette. “I was in trouble with police, 


back in Serbia. 

“God moves in mysterious ways,” says 
Kathy. 

There is a pounding on the door. “Po- 
lice—everybody out!” John opens the 
door and he and Kathy are whisked away. 
The police don't enter. They leave the 
door open and light up the hallway with 
blazing klieg lights. An hour goes by, 
minute by agonizing minute. І can hear 
them emptying all the apartments in the 
building. 

And then the strangest thing happens. 
1 fall asleep, a deep timeless sleep. I'm 
floating, and my wife and kids are with 
me—everybody smiling, the sun blazing. 
There's no sound, only the vision. And 
then the dream is shattered in an instant 
as an army in black padded uniforms 
and Plexiglas shields storms the apart- 


“Special effects, sweetie!” 


g call for a Star Wars 
flick. They're all over me before 1 сап 
wipe the snot out of my eyes. 


My fall from grace complete, I find 
If stripped bare and all out of i 
a prison cell like every other р 
on cell 1 have lived in far too long. 

The metal food slot on the cell door 
drops open and the hollow flushing of 
stainless steel toilets echoes through the 
hallway—the gut-wrenching sounds of 
city cells in the morning. 1 lay my arm 
across my eyes and try to shut it all out. I 
am coming down like a Boeing 747 on 
fire, all broken bones and busted spirits. 

Later that morning a phalanx of o 
cers escorts me into a courtroom. I'm 
barefoot, wearing only white paper cov- 
eralls and 40 pounds of chains. They are 
laughing at me and congratulating one 
another over the morning's headlines 
Turns out I spent four and a half min- 
utes inside that bank—long enough to 
apply for a loan. 

Weeks pass, more court appearances 
My wife hires a good lawyer, but we both 
know I can't beat this beef with a bazoo- 
ka. My daughters bı me GET OUT OF 
JAIL FREE cards from their Monopoly set. 
After seven months of remands, 1 plead 
out. Although the judge listens to my 
junkie alibi, he knows what everyone, 
cluding me, knows: We deal in choices, 
and now ГЇЇ have to live with this one. 
He levels me with 18 charlies and sends 
me off to the pen. 

The media vilified me as the man who 
had won redemption and then tossed it 
aside. The mayor of the city passed out 
hardware at the Cop Oscars. Meanwhile 
1 lay on my bunk staring at the ceiling. 

1 studied that ceiling for almost a year. 
I had another birthday. On that day, at 
50 pieces, 1 swung my feet down to the 
floor and began to pace, seven steps in 
one direction and seven steps back. 1 have 
fallen through the crust of the earth so 
y times that only on this small and 
т pad of concrete have I learned 
to touch down with any certainty. 

I started to work outin the weight p 

to build strength. I began to find dign 
in my punishment rather than pai 
pate in the degradation of it, and reen- 
ife in small, ordinary ways. 
п by the sea. 1 
wake up at first bell and go outside to 
watch the sun rise over the Olympic 
Mountains. I use no heroin and have no 
expectations. I enjoy one cup of coffee at 
a time. I no longer devise ways to end 
my own life, nor have urges to light it 
on fire. 

There is always this: As long as I'm 
alive, something extremely interesting 
might come up. 


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Andy Richter 


(continued from page 129) 
RICHTER: Satellite dishes for everybody 
wouldn't hurt. I'm not a real political 
guy. I get confused and have a hard time 
seeing only one side of an issue. That's 
why much of my comedy is apolitical 
There's something political about say- 
ing, "Evcryone should be nice to each 
other." That's a political statement, but 
in terms of any particular issue or taking 
a particular stand, aside from murder 
being bad I'm not sure 


8 


PLAYBOY: Any plans to visit Baghdad like 
Sean Penn did? 
RICHTER: No, no, no. It would be embar- 
rassing, because nobody would know 
who the hell I was. Did they know who 
Sean Penn was? 


9 


PLAYBOY: Any plans for all those palaces? 
RICHTER: Starwood Resorts. I'm in their 
points program, so | might get some- 
thing out of that 


10 


PLAYBOY: Does the word Scud actually 
describe the aerodynamics of that partic- 
ular missile? 

RICHTER: I'm not sure. Maybe that word 
sounds better when it's said in Arabic 
Maybe it means something really good 


11 


PLayboy: Share some of the sartorial tips 
you've gleaned from the great one, Jack- 
ie Gleason. 

RICHTER: Don't be afraid of color. A pur- 
ple suit looks good on anybody. As Anjel- 
іса Huston says in Prizzi’s Honor, “Shapes 
come and go, but colors are eternal.” 


12 


PLAYBOY: We've heard you're an office 
hooligan. What are some fun things we 
can do without getting caught? 

RICHTER: If you find a camera at some- 
one’s desk—not a Polaroid but a regu- 
lar-film camera, disposable or not—it's 
always fun to go into the bathroom and 
take a picture of your genitals and then 
replace it without being discovered. It's 
always a nice surprise, and, depending 
on how well known you are, you're prob- 
ably not going to be identified. At Co- 
пап» show, NBC had firewalls against 
accessing porn. Some of it was silly, like if 
you wanted to look up information on 
breast cancer, they would keep you from 
doing it. So I started to find different 
code words that the NBC firewall people 
didn't know, one of which was bear— 
which is slang for big hairy gay men. So, 
you could look up bears and find lots 
of interesting stuff. 1 got the knack of 
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accessing terrible pictures and leaving 
them as somebody's wallpaper on their 
computer. And I could do it quickly. It 
got to where I could find some really un- 
nerving pornography in less than a min- 
ute—in the time it would take someone 
to go to the bathroom. 


13 


PLAYBOY: What was the worst image you 
left on somcone's computer? 

RICHTER: I've done it only once on my 
show this year, to one of the writers. 1 
puta picture of a dolphin vagina on his 
computer, and that was pretty disturb- 
ing. I assume it was a vagina. 


14 


PLAYBOY: Are the days of bare butts on 
Xerox copiers over? 

RICHTER: Well, I know somebody who 
broke the copier glass with his ass. Peo- 
ple are aware of the dangers now. 


15 


PLAYBOY: Janeane Garofalo has said that 
you're the sexiest person on TV. How 


does that make you feel? 

RICHTER: Pretty good. She's a friend of 
mine, so 1 don't know. She's ironic—she 
might have meant something else. She 
could have just been in a publicity mode. 
It's nice. Who doesn't want to hear that 
about themselves? Even clerics like to 
know they're sexy. 


16 


PLAYBOY: What pranks and dumb things 
from our childhood should we resurrect 
for our adult lives? 

RICHTER: I think the wedgie has a lovely 
equalizing feature. The world would be 
a better place if people were giving those 
out more freely. 


17 


PLAYBOY: What are your favorite subdivi- 
sions of porn? 

RICHTER: I'm really not a big pornogra- 
phy consumer, because 1 mostly get dis- 
tracted by wondering, “Whose house is 
that? Look at the weird socks that guy is 
wearing. Yeah, I think they rented that 
bedspread.” Also, when I find myself 
wanting porn, I need it for only three or 


“For me, the Seventies was a time when I got laid а lot. So I'm 
hoping it was the clothes.” 


four minutes. How can you be a connois- 
seur? After that, it's goodbye Spectravi- 
sion, hello Discovery Channel. 


18 


PLAYBOY: If you had to guess, were you 
not replaced on Conan because you're ir- 
replaceable, or was it an occasion for the 
network to economize? 

RICHTER: I don't think the network is al- 
lowed to economize. They hired a cou- 
ple of writers—that money was spent 
somewhere. The budget doesn't go back- 
ward, it only goes forward. I don't know 
if 1 was so much irreplaceable as Conan 
probably didn't want to break anybody 
else in. You know, you've got a room- 
mate you're pretty comfortable with and 
he moves out and you can afford the 
rent yourself. Why the hell would you 
want to get another roommate? 


19 


PLAYBOY: Describe the Andy Richter diet. 
RICHTER: I try moderation. My family 
lives in the Midwest, and the way people 
eat there just blows my fucking mind. 1 
mean, I'm a carnivore, I enjoy meat and 
I like cheese, but there has to be some 
moderation. I don’t have a steak at every 
meal. You go back to Illinois and every- 
thing is a Fred Flintstone meal with cheese 
sauce on it. 


20 


PLAYBOY: Describe the Andy Richter work- 
out regimen. 

RICHTER: When I started working out, 
for the longest time I had an adversarial 
relationship with my body, and I still 
somewhat do. Janeane Garofalo talks 
about how she and her vagina are like 
roommates—"We just happen to share 
the same space; we're not pals or any- 
thing.” That was the way I was with my 
body. My wife talked me into going to 
yoga once, and I am the only person 
who doesn't want to go back because yo- 
ga made me so angry. It's supposed to 
make you feel good, but it was all about 
getting into these contorted positions. 
“Now you should be fecling on the 
right side of your lower back.” “I don't 
feel it there, fuck this!” If I'm not able to 
do something well, I usually don't do it. 
And it took a long time to get over that 
and learn how to lift the weights right 
and to isolate the thing you're supposed 
to be isolating. I need to start up again 
with a trainer, because that's the on- 
ly way. I'm not getting out of bed to lift 
weights unless I'm paying somebody 
who's waiting for me. It's a combination 
of the money and the fact that there’s an- 
other human being I've committed to- 
I'll back out on my own commitment. A 
commitment I make to myself? That's 
easy. Fuck that guy. 


KID, ROCK 


(continued from page 110) 
and made us want to move to Техав to 
find more of them. Fuck college—we'd 
brand and raise cattle. We scored free 
drinks, joined them in shots that made 
us happy. They lit our cigarettes, and we 
read miles of intent into their kindness. 
We read so much into so little. 


THE CHILLS 


The band in this story that you are 
least likely to have heard of. Which is a 
shame. They're from New Zealand, a 
land where sheep outnumber people 
and the government doles out grants to 
rock bands (paradise, in other words). I 
saw them play their first show in Ameri- 
ca, at a bar in Cambridge. 1 had to bor- 
row my brother's ID to get in, and for 
months afterward he extorted favors 
from me by threatening to tell our par- 
ents. Martin Phillipps. the singer and 
songwriter at the heart of the band, is a 
genius on the level of Bob Dylan, Faulk- 
ner, Gram Parsons. This is not the delu- 
sion of a rabid fan, though 1 will gladly 
cop to being one. I honestly believe it, 
and someday, whether it's next week or 
100 years from now, so will everyone else 
in the world. All the records will be reis- 
sued and millions of people will have the 
joy of hearing Pink Frost and 1 Love My 
Leather Jacket for the first time. 1 sent my 
professor friend a CD recently, and he 
told me he walks the hallways of his Eng- 
lish department singing Oncoming Day. 
“My students and colleagues look at me 
like I'm crazy,” he wrote on a postcard. 
“Ask me if I give а fuck.” 

My definition of genius is the ability to 
turn loss—terrible, wrenching, inevita- 
ble, ineffable loss—into something holy 
and beautiful. Something transcendent. 
In the end, really, do we have the right 
to demand anything more? 


NEIL YOUNG 


It's a rare woman who appreciates 
Neil Young. Many like the softer stuff— 
Powderfinger, Pocahontas, Sugar Mountain 
But play them the true rockers—Cinna- 


mon Girl, Barstool Blues—and they'll lose 
interest and start scanning your record 
collection for Tori Amos (Sarah McLach- 
lan if they're really trying to piss you 
off). They don't like all the warbling, the 
suddenly unpretty voice, the hostile gui 
tar work. It's OK, it's not necessarily a 
character flaw. 

Shelly, my father's mistress, was a Neil 
Young fan. I know this because I was lis- 
tening to Live Rust one night, а week after 
he told me of his affair. Again he came 
into my room and sat on the bed. I'd had 
seven days to think about what to say to 
him, but J still didn’t have a clue. І had 
this absurd fantasy that he would tell me 
he had been joking. It's a strange dream 
Thad, he'd say, or, I wanted to know what 
those words sounded like. 1 would have 
gladly accepted a warped sense of humor 
instead of his cheating on my mother. 

“This song sounds familiar,” he said. 

1 handed him the album jacket. 

“Oh,” he said, opening the gatefold 
and gazing at the concert photo blowup. 
“Shelly plays this record a lot, too.” 

Great, 1 thought, you're sleeping with 
someone half Mom's age. 1 don't know 
why I assumed this, other than it being 
difficult to imagine anyone over the age 
of 25 sharing a 14-year-old's taste in mu- 
sic. Shelly. 1 didn't like the name; 1 didn't 
even want to know it. There was nothing 
special about it, nothing gorgeous. My 
mother's name is Sofia, I would have hat- 
ed the name of anyone he was screwing. 

He read the liner notes silently, wait- 
ing for me to say something. I wanted 
to leave the room, but it was my room 
and | didn't know where I'd go if I left 
Downstairs to tell my mother? Out the 
door to hide in the backyard and punch 
the frozen ground until my knuckles 
split open? I could snap a self-portrait 
and hang it next to the picture of Pete 
Townshend. It was deep winter, the time 
of premature darkness, and the hard 
black sky outside the window was aching 
and accurate. No gesture I could make 
seemed right, no sentence perfect. 

Snow was in the forecast, two or three 
inches, just enough to blanket the al- 
ready quiet streets and spur the hope of 


school cancellations. Later the plows 
would come out, muscle all that innocent 
precipitation off the highways. Then the 
salt spreaders, to sofien the ice and make 
the pavement safe. 1 remembered the 
blizzard of 1978, when we got three feet 
and skied down the middle of Beacon 
‘Street. We dove in and out of the tall snow- 
banks; we hoped it would never melt. 


THE CLASH 


After my father told me of his affair, he 
came to my reom about once a week. It 
was always at the same time, during the 
hour after he arrived home from work 
and my mother announced from the 
kitchen that dinner was ready, her voice 
willing up the stairs. He sat on the bed 
or leaned against the doorjamb, his nat- 
ty three-piece suit looking out of place 
amid the mess of my room. He had those 
suits custom-made, and he was so fuck- 
ing proud of them. 

1 stared at everything except him: my 
London Calling poster, my desk littered 
with magazines, the homework that I was 
avoiding. Sometimes he tried to steer the 
conversation away from the bomb he'd 
dropped, asking about my day or telling 
me about his. He recounted utterly for- 
gettable anecdotes about partners at his 
law firm. He stabbed at current events, 
making references to newspaper articles 
or the radio newscast he had listened 
to on the way home from work. Or he 
would offer something about the music. 
“This is turning into quite a collection,” 
he said one evening, fingering the spines 
of my records. I never wanted to hit him 
for cheating on my mother, but 1 wanted 
to punch him for saying that. 

The Clash, The Clash—the album with 
the green cover—was the surface my 
friends and I used to roll joints on. 1 
wasn't a major stoner, but we indulged 
on many a weekend. We would gather 
at someone’s house where the parents 
were out for the night, and we'd spill our 
pot onto this record jacket, sift out the 
seeds and tuck the weed into papers or 
a pipe. I don't know why we always used 
that record, but I do know that rituals are 
important, and this was ours. 


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I'm not sure what my father expected 
me to say. Maybe he wanted forgiveness, 
my assurance that he wasn't ruining any- 
one's life. Maybe he simply needed to 
tell someone because the guilt was chew- 
ing him up. But why not one of his work 
colleagues or a friend outside the law 
firm? I resented that he chose me. I’m 
too young, І wanted to say. You have no 
right to make me shoulder this. What 
makes you think that I'm strong enough? 

THE ONLY ONES 

Any guy who knows anything about 
music has at one time or another used 
his knowledge to flirt with girls. The mix 
tape is the most common manifestation 
of this phenomenon. If you look at the 
cassette collections of women of a certain 
age you will probably come across sever- 
al homemade, occasionally elaborately 
decorated tapes filled with obscure songs 
meant to showcase both our record col- 
lections and the depth of our longing. 
Sometime after college we move on to 
more direct forms of seduction, and 
women are left to buy movie soundtracks, 
which are essentially mix tapes with slick- 
er cover artand duds thrown in 

On the tapes I made, I always includ- 
ed an Only Ones song. The recipient of 
one such gift dubbed it “kill yourself mu- 
sic." I know what she meant. It's moody, 
frequently downtrodden stuff. And there 
is actually a song called Why Don't You Kill 
Yourself? (No, this was not the song I re- 
corded to communicate my love.) 

I kept wrestling with the question of 
whether to tell my mother. I didn't want 
to, didn’t even know how I could, but I 
thought she should know. I didn't like 
that she was the only person in the house 
(my brother was away at college) who 
didn't know this huge secret. Keeping it 
from her made me feel I was in collusion 
with my father, that we were both mak- 
ing my mother into a fool and she had 
done nothing to deserve it. Those early 
evenings my father spent in my room 
seemed especially cruel. We could smell 
her lasagna, her lemon chicken, and it 
was like we were up there plotting. Our 
own war room, Then we'd sit through 
dinner and pretend it was a night like 
any other. 

I was also afraid of the violence that 
might ensue if 1 told her. She had a tem- 
per, one she blamed on her Italian her- 
itage, and far lesser offenses had in- 
duced slammed doors, profanity-laced 
tirades. Once while she was giving me a 
ride to school, another driver cut her off 
and she tailed his car for 10 minutes just 
to have the opportunity to pull up next to 
him and give him the finger. She didn't 
acknowledge that this was in any way 
strange or extreme behavior. | imagined 
the revelation of the affair might lead to 
smashed plates and wineglasses, my fa- 
ther's books and clothes hurled from 
second-story windows. | could hear her 
screaming, her threats, the names she 


would call him. 1 even pictured her tak- 
ing my old aluminum Little League bat 
to the hood and windshield of his car, 
envisioned the newly spider-webbed 
glass. It would be one of those scenes in 
a movie: the neighbors parting their 
blinds to peek out at the commotion, the 
sad, inevitable police sirens zeroing in. 

There's an Only Ones song called An- 
other Girl, Another Planet. The line “I 
think I'm on another world with you” 
makes me think it’s an ode to love. May- 
be Peter Perrett wrote it in the heady 
days of a new relationship, when the 
minutes and hours look most like magic 
Before you have to start digging for the 
sexy moments. 


NEW ORDER 


Almost every person I know has gone 
through a period of self-destructiveness. 
I don't think it’s because I know ап inor- 
dinate number of troubled souls. 1 think. 
8 just the way of the world. One friend 
liked to hang out in biker bars and slow- 
ly reveal that he was gay. Another friend 
was fond of drinking and driving, and 
more than once I'd been in the passen- 
ger seat of his car as it weaved across the 
yellow line on stark country roads. It felt 
almost like flying. Still another friend 
hada thing for stealing from her co-work- 
ers. Money, jewelry, even office papers— 
she hardly discriminated. Most of us 
have managed to soldier on and emerge 
from the darkness with our lives more or 
less intact. We just wanted a taste of what 
it's like to wreck ourselves. 

My own bout lasted two years or so, 94 
months during which I alternated whi 
key and cocaine. Like most people on 
these jags, my nights were indistinguish- 
able: Га start around seven, with bou. 
bon to relax me enough to do the coke— 
then a couple lines, then more bourbon 
to close the night out and ease the harsh 
comedown. Sometimes I went to a bar 
and sneaked bumps in the bathroom, and 
sometimes 1 just stayed in my apartment. 
At home 1 had control of the sterco. 

I was listening to a lot of New Order at 
the time. 1 liked the longer songs, the 
ones you could turn up and get lost in 
for five, six, seven minutes. It seemed 
like cocaine music—the pulsing beats, 
the driving melodies. And it’s music 
that's not grim in the least. This was im- 
portant: If I were intent on poisoning 
myself, on sampling disaster, the least 1 
could do was put on a record that prom- 
ised morning would come. 


BIG STAR. 


The band between the poppier Box 
Tops and Alex Chiltou's depressive solo 
career. They recorded just three albums: 
ЖІ Record, Radio City and Third: Sister 
Lovers, three gems of heartbreak and 
shimmering harmonie: 

Six months after my father confessed 
to me, he moved out and my mother 
tried to commit suicide. I was the one 


who found her, groggy, stumbling around 
her bedroom clutching an empty bottle 
of sleeping pills in one hand and a fifth 
of vodka in the other. 1 called 911 and 
they rushed her to St. Vincent's, where 
her stomach was pumped and she was 
sedated. The doctors hooked her up to 
an IV to rehydrate her. She shared a 
room with a cancer patient whose bedside 
table was bright with flowers and pastel- 
colored Hallmark cards. This made my 
mother's half of the room, with no bou- 
quets and no cards, all the more sad. 

My father came to the hospital almost 
immediately and joined me in the wait- 
ing area after he had poked his head in- 
to her room and had seen her dozing. He 
was white with fear and kept dabbing at 
his eyes with a dirty, crumpled Kleenex. 
“1 don't know what Га do if she had 
died,” he said. 

Me either,” I told him. 
Thank God you got home when you 
did.” 

1 nodded. 

There was a television on in the back- 
ground, and we could hear the chatter 
at the nurses’ station punctuated by an- 
nouncements over the PA system. The 
pacing of everything seemed off; it felt 
too fast and too slow. 

“I hate hospitals,” my father said. 

“Who doesn't?" I said. 

My brother showed up about four 
hours later. He was in college in New 
York and had jumped on a shuttle as 
soon as I'd called from the emergency 
room. Before he even went in to see her, 
he lunged at our dad. "You fucking ass- 
hole," he shouted. "Thi completely 
your fault.” His arm was headed for our 
father's throat, his other hand curled 
into a fist. I managed to step between 
them, and an orderly rushed over and 
gently but firmly guided my brother to a 
chair. Once seated, he buried his face 
his hands and started weeping. 1 had 
never seen him cry before, and I was 
mesmerized and troubled by his con- 
vulsing shoulders; true sadness comes 
on without warning. My father retreated 
to a chair as well. He looked up at the 
TV, then at me. He wanted my help 
again, but my brother had just told him 
something 1 was too afraid to say. 


HOLE 


1 know, Courtney Love is a hard per- 
son to like. There's the egomania, the 
questionable mothering skills (at least 
early on), the legal wrangling over 
vana recordings, the involvement with 
Smashing Pumpkins. Live Through This, 
though, is totally fucking brilliant. 1 
don't even carc if Kurt Cobain wrote 
most of the songs, as many people have 
charged. Whatever. There's a time to 
pay attention to the background story 
and a time not to. When I put the record 
on, I don't give a shit about any of it. The 
songs are explosive, the gu sharp as 
cut glass. It's a masterwork of rage. 


My mother never tried to kill herself 
again. She began seeing a shrink. At the 
beginning, when she got out of the hos- 
pital, е a week. A year or so 
later, she tapered down to once a week. 
She saw him for four or five years. Be- 
yond telling me when her appointments 
were, she never talked about it. l'm 
grateful to him, whoever he is. 

Several months after the suicide at 
tempt, she apologized to me. We were 
eating dinner, just the two of us, and she 
said, “I'm sorry to have put you through 
all that. And I'm sorry to have scared 
you.” She reached across the table and 
sifted her hand through my hair. “We 
don't have to say anything more about it. 
I just wanted you to know that." I nearly 
cried at her gracefulness. 


KID ROCK 


You could argue that the first album is 
the great one. Cocky doesn't break a lot of 
new musical ground, but it contains one 
of my all-time favorite lines: “1 can love 
you like that/I'd rather fuck to Foghat.” 

It's been more than a decade since my 
father told me his secret. He and my 
mother divorced a year or so later, and 
he's remarried now, not to Shelly but to 
a woman named Susan. I don't know if 
Shelly was his only affair. One or 10—are 
you a better person happens fewer 
times? 

My mother stayed in the house when 
they split up and my father moved into 
an apartment in the South End of Bos- 
ton. I spent most of my time in my mom's 
house, though my dad made a big, cere- 
monious gesture of furnishing a spare 
bedroom for me in his apartment. He 
bought а desk, a crummy halogen lamp, 
pinned a calendar to the back of the 
door. He encouraged me to paint the 
walls whatever color I wanted, because he 
knew it looked like a hotel room. I rare- 
ly used the desk, and the calendar was 
always months behind. No matter how 
many nights I slept there, the bed always 
felt overly new and springy. | hung a few 
shirts I didn’t like in the closet. 

When 1 tell people I love Kid Rock, 
they don't believe me. They think I'm 
one more white boy who wants to be 
down with the homies. Or people think 
it'sa feint, that I like the novelty, the kitsch 
and bragging and macho posturing, the 
tales of strippers and drugs. But I love 
Rock for the same reason I love oth- 
music: the honesty. I don't think he's 
hiding anything; I think he means ev- 
erything he says, and there’s something 
ridiculously seductive about that. Plus he 
samples riffs from Lynyrd Skynyrd. 

And this is why I never knew what to 
say to my father. I knew he was being 
cruel to my mother. I knew he was be- 
traying her. 1 knew it was unforgivable. 
But how, finally, can you hate someone 
for telling the truth? 


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sex & 2 cities-Anna 


(continued from page 70) 
nods and hands me his business card. 

When 1 talk to Peter the next day, I 
pretend he's a girl and share way too 
many details about what happened. He 
tells me Mag Man called him the ргеуі- 
ous night, complaining that he was alone 
because I wouldn't come in with him. 
I'm incredulous—I've been spending the 
morning contemplating the softness of 
his lips, and all he seems aware of is that 
I didn’t fuck him. I take out that bloody 
business card. Alter toying with the idea 
of e-mailing, 1 remember there's no time 
for dever and cute. I dial determinedly, 
leaving a message that 1 have plans for 
the night but I'd like to meet up with 
him afterward. It's New York, so I de- 
cide to be aggressive. 

Later that night I swing by his place. 
Гус been to third-floor walk-ups as much 
as I have penthouses. But when the ele- 
vator opens directly into MG's apartment 
I'm horrified to admit that I can actually 
feel my legs spreading at the same rate 
as the doors. He lounges on a couch near 
a table that holds a bottle of Dom Péri- 
gnon with an attached card from Tom 
Ford positioned for maximum effect. 
What happens later in the king-size bed 
(yes, there is a queen-size, too) is not sex, 
but it's highly enjoyable. (I, like many 
women, subscribe to the Clintonian defi- 
nition of sex.) Suffice it to say 1 feel a 
need to check out what he’s learned 
from the article he claimed to be editing. 
While the information is not earth-shat- 
tering, I believe most men could benefit 
from following the advice. When he puts 


а cab and hands me money, he 
in a way that doesn't make me 
feel like a prostitute or as if I'v i- 
ficed all my pseudofe sensibilities. 

The next morning my cell phone flash- 
es a text message: “Thanks for staying 
over—Norm Bates.” I message back, 
“Thanks for пог being psycho.” He mes- 
sages, “Thanks for tracking me down.” 
Me: "It was worth the trouble.” 

IUs been weeks and I still haven't got- 
ten a response to that. The last I heard, 
he had turned down a chance to star in 
The Bachelor and was dating an actress. 
I guess I'm not the only one with an 
MG fetish 


‘THE ACTOR 
Ifyou live in Los Angeles, the last guy 
you're looking to meet in New York isan 


actor. So it’s ridiculous that as Fm fawn- 
ing over MG, one of New York's most re- 
puted skirt-chasing boldfaced names 
stops by to say hi to Peter and ends up 
joining us. Because my focus isn’t on the 
Actor—and because I'm the only woman 
at the table—he becomes increasingly in- 
terested in me. 

"What kinds of things do you write?" 
he asks, glancing down from his cigar. 

"Mostly pieces on celebrities," 1 say 
with a sn 

"What bullshit," he laughs, tapping 
ash on the table. “You should write about 
something interesting.” 

1 can'targue with 
1 inform him of my current project, he's 
sure to take his cigar and go, so I listen as 
he tells me 1 should read Tolstoy and Dos- 
toyevsky (Га mentioned that my great- 
great-grandparents were from Russia) 


“They say that time is a ишы healer. If only you had 
more of it. . 


im on that point. If 


and care more about politics. In LA, 1 
can't help thinking, an actor guy would 
probably tell me I ought to read mov- 
ie scripts about Russian submarines and 
care more about what's in the trades. I 
nod flirtatiously, not bothering to me: 
tion that Noles From Underground is si 
ting (unopened, but there) on my bed- 
room table. 

Since I have two games going at once, 
this entire exchange is happening in 
front of Magazine Guy and Peter. And so 
begins a fascinating verbal swordfight 
between Actor and Editor. MG 
reference to a movie Actor was 
Actor counters that Mr. Magazine spends 
too much time watching bad movies. At 
first I think Magazine Guy is unsophisı 
cated, like a fan who happens upon a f 
mous person, but as the dialogue contin- 
ues I realize he’s brought up the movie 
role both because smart people know the 
movie sucked and because Actor's part 
was tiny. Actor seems completely indif- 
ferent. Is this a sophisticated New Yor 
ers’ version of a dick-swinging contest? 
When Magazine Guy wanders off briefly, 
Actor grabs my hand, asking me if MG 
and 1 are serious. 

“Please,” I say, shaking my head. “I 
just met him. 

Actor smiles. "Well, I'm going to get 
your number from Peter,” he says. “We'll 
go out in LA.” 

He points to the pendant on my neck- 
lace, a picture of a naked woman (not 
me). “Get her dressed, will you?” he 
flirts, affixing me with that cocky gaze 
he’s done so many times on his TV series 
(which is nothing like Dostoyevsky or Tol- 
stoy, believe me). I promise. He squeez- 
es my hand. I leave with MG, figuring 
that’s the end of that. 

Several days later, as I'm running 
through the streets of Brooklyn, my cell 
phone rings. 

"Hey, I’m calling from the National 
Enquirer and Гуе got a story for you,” 
says someone in a guy-doing-a- 
crank-call voice. 1 hate guy-doing- 
crank-call voices. 

“Who is this?” I counter, using my L 
don't-have-time-for-this voice. 

He says his name, first name only, and 
I drav a blank. Only when he mei 5 
Peter do І make the connection, 
to decide if the National Enquirer jo 
funnier or less funny based on who it is. 
I decide less, then change my mind 

"Are you back in Los Angeles?” he asks, 
now sounding completely recognizable 
“I will be in a few days. 
re you free next Monday or Tues- 
s. “Gould we go out one of 


Monday and Tuesday pass without a 
word. But if LA has taught me anything, 
it's don't ever take an actor's treatment 
personally. It's almost a relief, oddly, to 
find out that the New York version is just 
as flaky as the LA one. 


THE INVESTMENT BANKER 


Back when my best male friend from 
college, Jack, lived in LA, he liked to set 
me up with incredibly wealthy bores. All 
he tells me now is that he's found me an 
Investment Banker who, of course, I'm 
going to fall in love with 

1 meet Banker at a French restaurant 
on the Upper West Side. When 1 walk in, 
1 realize Гуе been given no physical de- 
scription, so all I'm looking for is some- 
one who appears to be That describes 
everyone in the restaurant. | mention 
his name to a waiter and am led to a ta- 
ble where a young-faced, graying man in 
a buttondown shirt and blazer sits. 

We haven't looked at the menu and 
Banker is telling me about his divorce— 
he had a miserable quickie marriage 
to a woman he'd known for only a few 
months. By the time we order Гуе heard 
about Banker's chef (on vacation), celeb- 
rities he lives near and the 500-plus em- 
ployees he controls. The shocking part is 
that he's not coming off as horrible. Or 
maybe I'm just surprised he's such a 
talker—bad dates in LA usually mean 
awkward pauses. In this case I'm strug- 
gling to get in a “You're kidding” or “Oh, 
my." By dessert, Banker begins to reveal 
a darker side. 

“Do you have nightmares?" he asks. 

1 don't. 

“I've been having a lot of nightmares 
lately,” he responds. “Тһе same one over 
and over. Or variations of it.” 

He frowns the way people do when 
they're trying to remember their dreams. 
“It's really violent. 

“Violent how?” I imagine he dreams 
about people tearing up dollar bills. 

“Well, my ex-wife has this ax—and 
she’s trying to kill me. No, not me. = 

She's trying to kill a 


Another frown. 
woman I'm seeing.” 

He smiles, satisfied, the way people do 
when they remember their dreams. 

Huh. I down a glass of water, wonder- 
ing if I'm blushing. 1 have this incon- 
venient, Zelig-like quality of being em 
barrassed for people when they aren't 
embarrassed for themselves. 

“So, do you see a difference between 
women in LA and New York?" Task him. 
Anything to get off this “paging Dr. 
Freud” track. 

“Absolutely,” he smiles. “Women in 
New York are much more aggressive 

Then he regales me with a story about 
how a woman once overheard him giv- 
ing а clerk his address in a video store 
and slipped a note under his door a few 
days later. I'm trying to decide if there's 
something supremely excellent about 
him that 1 fail to see or if his address 
screams "I'm a billionaire” in that indeci- 
pherable-to-Angelenos New York speak. 

“Who says you have to go back home 
tomorrow?" he asks suddenly. “I mean, 
couldn't you just as easily write in Gen- 
tral Park as you could at home?” 

I'm not exactly sure what Banker is 


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156 


suggesting, so I explain that I'm actually 
ready to go back. He looks hurt. “Because 
I've had such a wonderful time,” I add 

When I make my move to leave, he 
walks me to get a cab. At the momer 
when the kiss on the check turns into a 
kiss on the lips, I let it last about half a 
second. The truth is, much to my Jewish 
mother's chagrin, my years in LA have 
shown that I'm more drawn to the out- 
of-work actor than to the guy who can 
give him work. If I were a really good 
I would probably tell Banker to 
the ex-wife-murdering-the-new- 
girlfriend-dream bit from his rap, but it's 
much easier to wave enthusiastically as 
the cab pulls away. 


THE SING 


LE DAD NOVELIST 


When Single Dad Novelist comes to 
pick me up—by foot, how quaint—I al- 
ready know he doesn't stand a chance. 
I'm far too obsessed with MG. During 
dinner at a local Italian eatery, Novelist 
actually reveals himself to be more inter- 
esting than he seemed over the phone. 
Before becoming a writer and editor, he 
lived in Seattle and played in a semisuc- 
cessful band. Nothing about him screams 
former band member—but then, noth- 
ing about him screams anything. He just 
scems like an unbitter guy who stands 
back after having been slightly rumpled 
by the world 

The only topic that seems to get Nov- 
elist animated is his daughter. He talks 
about their trips to Coney Island, their 
garage sales, their recent cruise (and 
shows me pictures of that one, to boot)— 
even the disco party this eight-year-old 
center of his life wants to have, Maybe 
its my biological clock ticking, but I can 
listen to cute kid stories all night. Prob- 
lem is, this isn't making me fall for Nov- 
elist so much as it's making me feel hap- 
py that his kid has such a great dad. 1 
don’t care what the premise of that Adam 
Sandler movie was: On a first date, a guy 
with a kid is not sexy. 

After dinner, Novelist and I take a 
walk around the neighborhood. 1 ask 
him all kinds of questions about being 
a novelist, an occupation that doesn't 
much exist back home. Of course, there 
are screenwriters—the whole town, right 
down to the guy who bags my groceries 
at Gelson’s (true), is one of those. But 
they talk about the selling, the percent- 
age, the pitch mecting. If they're real- 
ly creative, maybe they talk about their 
three-act structure. 

We stop at his apartment, which is 
filled with art made by friends-turned- 
successful-artists and stacked to the brim 
with toys and mementos and books on 
top of books on top of books. 1 tell him 
I want to read his books and he digs 
through a closet for copies, which he 
signs while I snoop. He's sitting under a 
painting he did of Jesus smoking a cigar 
and we're listening to a record he says 
he likes to play when he deejays parties 


(which he seems to do when he's not 
writing, editing or fathering). I'm almost 
won over by his Renaissance man array 
of skills, his modesty, his calmness, his (in 
LA terminology) good energy, when he 
looks up from signing. 

“Hey, we should go to an ATM,” he 
says. “I can get some money and we can 
go into the city together.” 

His eagerness somehow translates to 
desperation. I shake my head and tell 
him I'm going to the city on my own. 

He's the nicest guy in the world. Too 
bad I seem to bea sucker for assholes, no 
matter the city. 


AND ALL THE REST 


I meet many other men during my 
stay—an adorable hotelier with a lisp 
and a girlfriend, a music manager who 
seems to manage only the violinist of a 
band 1 didn't know used a violin, a writ- 
er who tells me that Sex and the City has 
ruined the dating scene in New York. 
“People think because something's been 
on that show, it's a big deal,” he says 
That's the last thing New York needs— 
more things for girls to analyze. 

For the hell of it, and because I'm not 
used to it, I try different ways of walking 
down the street. At first I try to attract at- 
tention with a male companion in tow— 
hey, I'm happy and I'm on vacation— 
and | find men that avert their eyes from 
my hip-swinging, big-smiling gestures. 
(A hot dog vendor actually looks past 
me, to the guy, and asks him how he's 
doing—prompting my male companion 
to wonder if he was actually just hit on by 
a man selling hot dogs.) But when I do 
my best imitation of the New York street 
gaze—distracted yet tough-looking ey 
seemingly fixed on something at neck 
level—I get the random catcalls from 
construction workers and the like. P. 
haps even more than Angelenos, N 
Yorkers want what they can't have. 

On the way home my plane stops in 
Vegas, where an overweight, drunk and 
angry man takes the aisle seat to my win- 
dow. (No one's in the middle seat, so 1 
put my bag in its leg area.) Vegas wants 
to stretch, though. 

“Look, you better move that bag," he 
snorts, by way of greeting. My sweetes! 
side does not emerge and before I know 
it, Vegas is yelling. A Good Samaritan 
walks by, insisting I move to his seat while 
he handles Vegas. I'm overwhelmed with 
gratitude, the fact that a stranger would 
come to a girl's rescue like that. I almost 
feel myself tearing up. But when we land, 
Hero Man doesnt zip off into the night 
He waits for me. 

“So, you live in LA?” he asks, reaching 
a hand out to hold the offensive bag. For 
a second 1 try to figure out why he looks 
familiar—and then I realize he's a dead 
ringer for Anthony Perkins playing Nor- 
man Bates. No joke. 


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158 


Sex & 2 cities-Amy 


(continued from page 78) 

I get something from my purse and 
we go outside. He sits on the chaise and 
I climb on top, trying to give his Holly- 
wood Hills view a little competition. Ás 
we move he makes small hollow sighs, 
like a failing respirator, and his face 
looks different. Vulnerable. 1 grow ad- 
dicted to that look because it makes me 
think I've produced this change in him. 
But when we finish he gets up and goes 
into the living room. 1 walk in and find 
him sipping scotch and staring out the 
window. 

“That was the perfect farewell to this 
house,” he says. “A period at the end of 
the sentence." 

We go up to his bedroom. He has a 
walk-in closet with shorts and socks on 
labeled shelves. It's hard to trust a man 
whose closet is bigger than mine. 

His bed is warm, but his two cats keep 
hopping in. "There's only room in this 
bed for one pussy,” I say. 

“Just kick them out," he says, picking 
one up by the scruff. 

In the morning he goes into the bath- 
room, and after he showers I hear some- 
thing horrifying. A hair drier. I haven't 
even brushed my teeth, and Bald Balls 
has already blown his hair. It's too much 
compctition for a girl to take. 

He calls later that day from Malibu 
and says, “Is it normal for a grown man 
to cry when he leaves his first house?" 

I start to answer, but the cell phone 
goes out and I lose him. 


THE ROCK STAR 


The day following my agent hookup 1 
stand in the shower and decide to go to- 
tally LA. 1 take out a Gillette for Women 
and shave off the valley below, leaving a 
perfect triangle on top. It takes a long 
time and it's a little scary, but 1 have to 


do as a Roman would if I want to fit in. 

I meet my friend Gina, a bartender, to 
go barhopping on the Sunset Strip. She 
lakes me to Red Rock, a wild bar pulsing 
with young people on the make. After a 
few Coronas she grabs a sweet boy and 
pulls him toward me. He has pale skin 
and black hair—Crispin Glover, but hot. 
His name's Patrick, he's 25 and he's a 
musician. 

We go out onto the smoking deck and 
he gives me an American Spirit and 
leans in close. "What kind of music do 
you play?" I ask 

“Singer-songwriter, folk-influenced.” 

"I bet you have a strong mother,” I say. 

“I do," he says. “How'd you guess?" 

"I'm intuitive," I say. I have a feeling 
about him, and since it’s LA, where you 
can say these things, 1 do. “1 bet you're 
incredibly good at going down on wom- 
en,” І say. “You love doing it and are hap- 
py if thats the only thing you get to do." 

“Are you psychic?" he asks. I nod. 
"Why are you asking me that?" he says. 
"Would you like me to do that for you 
tonight? Because I would." 

His white teeth are gleaming. Every- 
one out here acts like they're on ecstasy 
all the time. Suddenly, 1 feel like 1 am, 
too. It would be nice to show off my new 
puss, and this guy's such a pushover 1 
know I could boss him around. 

But then 1 wise up. It's crazy to waste 
free cunnilingus in LA when I could save 
it for the Big Apple, where I really need 
it. New York musicians are nothing like 
this—they’re just as fey, but mean. 

"Why don't you call me the next time 
you have a gig in New York?" I say, scrib- 
bling down my number. He pouts, but I 
tell him to keep his chin up. 


THE HAS-BEEN 


Because the city is teeming with more 
has-beens than A-listers, 1 call my buddy 
James and ask him to set me up with his 


"It's Sunday morning, the Attorney General wants to know why 
you're not in church.” 


friend Marc Price—a.k.a. 
ily Ties. Skippy was the dorky friend of 
Alex P Keaton, and I'd always had a se- 
cret crush on him. I loved his fedoras 
and whiny lisp. Now he's 35, does stand- 
up and is developing a bunch of game 
and comedy shows. He still has the lisp, 
though it’s less prominent. 

I pick him up at the Improv. He's 
ier but has the same bright face. 

I'm so excited to meet you,” I say. 

“You, too,” he says. “Just to give you a 
heads up—I'm distracted by work right 
now. In case I seem out of sorts.” 

Great, | think. We walk about 10 blocks 
to his car and I start thinking he must 
not have a lot of dough if he skimped on 
the valet. Then I spot the car itself—it's a 
1994 Infiniti, and the backseat is loaded 
with crap—clothes, an economy-size box 
of Cap'n Crunch, a laundry basket. 

I try to sit in the passenger seat, but 
something's in the way. “Are these crutch- 
es?” Task. 

“Trim for my house," he says with the 
patented Skippy giggle. 

He tosses the trim to the backseat and 
drives me to a Hawaiian-themed bar in a 
strip mall, the Lava Lounge. It's cozy. 
Skip just earned some points. 

So, do you still get juice from your 
role?" I ask. 

“You'd be amazed how many people 
recognize me," he says. 

"But it was so long ago!" 

"That's true," he says. "My Skippy su- 
perpowers are beginning to wane." 

Т ask if he ever got down with Justine 
Bateman and he says, "No, with one of 
her friends." Then he tells me he hooked 
up with Lisa Bonet when she came into 
town for an NBC anniversary event. He 
says he was a Ferris Bueller type on the 
set of the show—sometimes he'd tell his 
tutors he was working and instead go 10 
Venice Beach. I don't like this amoral 
side; it makes me wonder whether he 
has ethics when it comes to women. 

“What are you looking for in a woman 
now?" 1 ask. 

"I definitely want to meet someone 
special, but there's a point in life when 
you're not interested in investing a lot of 
time for a little something. I'm in love 
with the comedy biz.” 

Just my luck. I come all the way to LA 
to meet another neurotic Jewish guy who 
is obsessed with his career. 

When we finish our drinks he says, 

“Do you want to see my house? It's got 
an incredible vie 
“Where do you live?" I ask. 

“Ina Forties trailer in Laurel Canyon. 

I bought the property 


“1 haven't started.” 
“How long have you been living in the 
trailer?” 
“Eleven years.” 1 give him a funny look 
(concluded on page 161) 


LAY MATE # NEW 


THE MUSIC 


EDITION 


If you were 
into cheesy 


Pam Anderson has temporar- 
ily retired from live-action TV, 


shows such as 
but here's a cure for your jones: BJ and the Bear i 
Stripperella, the cartoon created and Magnum, 


by Pam and cartoonist Stan Lee, 
airs soon on TNN. Wondering 

if it will live up to Pam's 
Baywatch bounce and 
her ИГР vim? Here, 
five facts that just 

may convince 

you. (1) Stan 
Lee is the man. 
He's the comic-book 
genius behind Spi- 
der-Man and X-Men. 
(2) Pam's archene- 
my: Dr. Cesarean. 
He is a surgeon 
who gives pa- 
tients explosive 
breast implants. 
(3) She knocks 
dudes out with 
her thighs. Her 


PI. in the late 
Seventies and 
early Eighties, 
you probably 
spotted Pamela 
Jean Bryant on 
your television 
screen. Pamela 
was Miss April 
1978 at the age 
of 19, and by the 
time she was 25 
years old, she had 
appeared on 86 
TV programs. 


Pomela 
Jeon Bryant. 


What went down on the set of LL Cool J's video 
Luv U Better, an homage to Pretty Woman starring 
¿ Nicole Narain? "LL is way hot,” she says. "He works 
1 his lips every chance he gets." Was there any on-set 
i nookie? "What happens 


signature move? 
The Scissorella. 
(4) She shows 
off her breasts. 
‘That is nothing 


On set stays on set,” she 
says. “I will tell you that 
he is extremely intelli- 
gent. When he talks, ev- 
і eryone listens. The vid- 


“The biggest misconcep- 
tion is that we have to sleep 
with Hef to become a Cen- 
terfold. I didn't meet him 
until three years after be- 


coming Miss March 1994.” 


new, but now she 
has a trick up 
her blouse: a lic 
СРТ detector. (5) Нег 

best friend is 
hot. Persephone, who kicks it 
with Erotica Jones (Stripperella’s 
alter ego), can handle two guys at 
once—she dates twins. 


i ео is sexy. I was turned 

H s destined to 

i the audition they asked | 

i if I could drive a stick, 

i and though not many ыы. 

i j gu іп Los Angeles know how, I do. I knew the part 
was mine." What's up next for this would-be Julia 

i Roberts? A Keith Murray video. Stay tuned. 


“1 don't want women's 
rights. I want to be at home, 
barefoot and pregnant, and 
let my man do all the work." 


Rock stors flock to Ploymotes like groupies to o bockstoge door. Here is a roundup of 
the lotest rockers to fall under the Centerfold spell. Left to right: Lisa Dergon ond Fred 
Durst of o pojomo party; Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean and Miriom Gonzolez ot the Mon- 
sion; the Dohm triplets odding beouty to a Sammy Hagor and David Lee Roth press 
conference; Borbara Moore with Gene Simmons at Glamourcon in Los Angeles; Shan- 
no Moakler ot ће MTV Video Music Awords with her beou, Trovis Borker from Blink- 
182; Bunnies Victoria Fuller, Deonno Brooks and Jessico with Могс Anthony; Pamelo 

Anderson ond Wyclef Jean ham- 

ming it up onstoge ot MTY's Euro- 


peon Music Awards. 


SUZANNE 
STOKES 
AND BUFFY 
TYLER. 


PLAYMATE BIRTHDAYS 


April 1: Miss March 1971 
Cynthia Hall 

April 5: Miss August 1989 
Gianna Amore 

April 16; Miss April 1959 
Nancy Crawford 

April 18: Miss November 2000 
Buffy Tyler 

April 30: Miss May 1998 
Deanna Brooks 


Cynthia Myers 
appears in Femme 
Fatales magazine. 
(See more Cynthia 
info in "Gossip.") 


POP QUESTIONS: 
CHRISTINE RICHTERS 


Q: We hear that you're adept with a 


screwdriver. 


A: I love to build and fix things. 
Home Depot is my favorite store— 


I'm there five days a week. 
Q: Is that a 
great place to 
meet guys? 
A: Actually, 
1 met my boy- 
friend when 
he moved in 
a couple of 
houses down 
from me. He 


was the cute new neighbor, so ] went 


over there and asked him out. 
Q: What's in your CD player? 
A: The Dave Matthews Band. 


MY FAVORITE PLAYMATE 


| There's only one for 
| me—my wife, 1, 
| ul After years 
| of marriage, my jaw 
| still drops when I 
. look at her. 
Her look is 
unique. 
We met 
on a blind date. 
, Any time you get 
the opportuni- 
f ty to go on a blind 
7) date with a Bay- 
watch actress, chances 
are your evening is 
going to turn out 


pretty good. 


PAM AND HER KID 


If Pamela Anderson 
and Kid Rock have os 
much fun at home as 
they do aut in public, 
we'd kill ta be a bot- 


160 ШЕ 


tle af beer an the wall. Left to 
right: On the red carpet; at 
VHT's п 2002 Awards; at 
the American Liver Founda- 
tian's S.O.S. Ride. 


Sexnrocknroll.com, hosted by 
Gillian Bonner, names Sahara 
Hotnights, the Distillers 
and Chevelle as music's A 
next big things. . . . Ser 
ria Tawan (pictured) 
strutted the catwalk in 
a Frederick's of Holly- “= 
wood fashion show. Check ^ 
her out in the Internet comedy 
The Low-Budget Time Machine. . . . 
Our hearts go out to Cynthia 
Myers, who was in a terrible acci- 
dent and suffered two broken ver- 
tebrae and a broken arm. Says 
her good friend Victoria Val- 
entino, “She can't lie down, 
even to sleep. While her 
husband tries to work 
several hours a day 
with his injuries, 

Cynthia is left home 
alone propped up in 
bed with food, med- 
ication and the TV 
within reach. They 
cant afford a nurse. 
Cynthia is being 
very brave and fun- 
ny and presenting 
a cheerful face to the 
world, though she'll 
have to wear a body 


cast for four to six 
months." . . . Nefer- 
teri Shepherd has 
a lead role in A Mia- 
mi Tale, a film about 


a group of young Serrio get- 


women who are try- 
ing to stop neighbor- 
hood violence. She also appears 
in the Bobby Brown-Ja Rule 
video Thug Lovin’... . From the 
home-run department: Congrat- 
ulations to Laura Cover and 
Aaron Boone (below), third base- 
man for the Cincinnati Reds, who 
got hitched in San Diego. 


Mr. and Mrs. Boone. 


ting сону. 


sex € 2 cities-Amy 


(continued from page 158) 
and he says, “I thought my house would 
be built by now. But it’s very expensive. 
Besides, it gives me a reason to wake up 
in the morning, to look around and imag- 
ine it." It seems this man has a problem 
getting things started. I wonder whether 
that's a by-product of carly fame: You 
get lazy. He tells me I should come өсе 
his hot tub. I tell him 1 gotta jet. 

THE CELEBRITY 

On Monday night I go to a fancy res- 
taurant called Les Deux Cafes with my 
friend Cindy. There’s a garden in the 
back, and as we walk in I feel like I'm at 
the Oscars. Owen Wilson's at one table, 
Harvey Keitel's at another, Stella Ten- 
nant's having a gathering at a long table, 
Vincent D'Onofrio's sitting with a bunch 
of hangers-on. I need somebody in my 
league. I spot an Indie Auteur from New 
York leaning against a wall, eyeing me. 
He's emaciated and handsome in a be- 
draggled way, and Гуе had a humon- 
gous crush on him forever. 

Cindy and I take a seat at a table near 
Indie and І beckon him over. He does 
the “Are you talking to me?” gesture. 1 
nod. He comes over slowly, playing it cool. 
I stare at his straggly hair and say, “When 
was the last time you washed that?" 

“Three hours ago,” he says. I touch it. 
It feels surprisingly smooth. 

“What kind of shampoo do you use?” 

“It's very expensive." 

“Like 50 bucks a bottle?” 

“Try 300." 

1 wolf-whistle and ask him to light my 
cigarette. “You shouldn't smoke,” he says. 

Cindy gets up to buy a drink and asks 
if we want one. 1A orders a water and I 
order a grapefruit and Stoli. 

“You drink too much, you talk too much 
and you smoke too much,” he tells me. 

“I've been told all those things be- 
fore,” I say. “But 1 can do magic tricks.” 

I hold a match and make it disappear 
from my hand. Then I do the one where 
I make my hand look like it can spin 
around 360 degrees. “I like your magic 
thing,” he says. 

“I like you,” I say. “What do you look 
for in a woman?” 

“I like her to be lying on her back. 
Sometimes I like her to be lying on her 
stomach. J really like her lying on her 
stomach.” 
fou're into rimming?” 

“Yeah,” he sa m into rimming.” 

1 lean in close. "Do you hook up with a 
lot of рі 
"No," he 
discreet sex.” 

“What about kissing?” I say. “Do you 
kiss indiscreetly?” Since I'm a little afraid 
of him 1 feel the need to set boundaries. 

He nods. “Maybe we should go in the 
back and do that,” 1 say. 

He shakes his head no. “What do you 


ys. "I don't like to have in- 


want from me?" he says with a hint of 
hostility. 

“J just told you." 

"What else?” 

"Creative or uncreative?" 

“Uncreative.” 

This is not a man for whom subtlety 
works. I have to get a reaction out of him 
to keep him at the table. 

"I don't know,” I say. “Maybe I could 
lick your balls?” 

“Really?” he says, appearing awake for 
the first time all night. “I'd like you to 
do that, and then 1 could come all over 
your lips.” 

I've opened a door 1 don't know how 
to slam shut. I want to fuck a star, but the 
whole point is to be able to tell your girl- 
friends afterward. With what IA has 
in mind, though, Га have to keep my 
mouth shut. 

"I have to go to the bathroom,” J say. I 
throw some water on my face and decide 
Гус gotten something from JA that is 
far more important than sex: dialogue. 
Cindy and I will slip out when he's dis- 
tracted and ГЇЇ never have to see him 
again. 

When I return, Cindy's alone. “Where 
did he go?” 1 ask. 

“He said he saw a friend of hi: 

I look around the room but can't spot 
him anywhere. That's the good thing 
about actors' short attention spans: They 
leave as soon as they get bored. Thank 
God for that. 


THE B-LISTER 


The next night 1 stop in an unpreten- 
tious bar downtown and spot a really 
cute D-list actor sitting a few seats down. 
He's done movies and a little TV, and 
he's funny in a sardonic way. 

Halfway into my grapefr 
notice Mr. B. smiling at m 
say anything, though. There's this mel- 
low reggacish music playing, so I say, 
"What is this?" 

“Jack Johnson," says Mr. B. “He used 
to be a surfer and now he's a musician." 

“I like it,” I say. “It’s mellow. Is he big 
here?" 

"Yeah. So you don't liv 

"No. I'm from New York. 

“I love New York," he says. 

“You mean you heart it," I say, raising 
a brow. 

"Right. I heart it.” 

He moves closer to me and buys my 
next cocktail. We talk for a long time and 
eventually he invites me to his house. 1 
follow him in my car and he waits for me 
at every light so I don't get lost. When 
we get to his place he puts on the same 
Jack Johnson album that was playing in 
the bar. I sit on the couch and Mr. B sits 
next to me and slips his arm around my 
shoulders. 1 could elaborate on what 
happened, but it would make Mr. В real- 
ly mad. He says he's been screwed by 
journalists too many times. 


LA?” 


“Poor Lot—his wife a pillar of salt, and he's on a low sodium diet.” 161 


RBAN TAKE ON THE ACTORS, 
PROBUCERS AND RAPPERS 
HE EBGIEST ETHNIC VIDEOS. 


IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING RIGHT CALLS 411 


| 

aam "T EVERY [сон AND FOURTH WEDNESDAY 
h AT 12:28 A.N. ET/9:30 P.M. М. 
* 


E JONU ON PLAYBOY TV! 


For program information go to 
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3 provderinthe U.S, and Canada. PLAYBOY TV 
©2003 Playboy Entertainment Group, Inc. All rights reserved. 


2003 AVN” Award-winner Lexington Ste: 


i 


on the scene 


WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHERE IT'S HAPPENING AND WHO'S MAKING IT HAPPEN 


THE PEOPLE'S BENTLEY 


Ithough Bentley Motors Ltd. is now owned by Volkswa- horsepower, 1 linder twin-turbo engine coupled to a six-speed 
gen, the Continental GT sched ive іп show- automatic gearbox and computer-controlled suspension. Would 
rooms this fall is hardly a "p you expect anything less for $165,000? The company’s target buy- 
specs that boast a 04 n five ers are young, rich dudes who appreciate superb craftmansh 
and a top speed of 180 mph, we'd ha Porsche was the haven't previously owned a Bentley. Women, too. Call us from the 
parent company. Under the Continental G hood is a 500- road, ladies. We'll be at the curb. DAVID STEVENS 


Bentley's famous wings 

have taken flight. The 

Continental 

GT's rich 

expanse 

of wood- 

and-leather 

trim is a visual treat, but the 

car also incorporates such subtle technology as 
electronic suspension and a cleverly hidden 
spoiler that silently rises at high speeds. 


em Y 


Asix-speed automatic shifter and other 
electronic goodies are part of the Conti- 
nental GT's pillarless package. Bentley 
claims the car is the world’s only true GT 
four-seater. Deeply sculpted rear seats pro- 
vide lots of space for knees, heads and el- 
bows without sacrificing visibility. The 
driver's seat is designed to accommodate 
someone extratall—an NBA player, per- 
haps? Downhillers take note: The trunk 
can swallow both skis and snowboards. 


WHERE AND HOW TD BUY DN PAGE 142 


Go Ask Alice 

v Keep your eyes on singer-songwriter ALICE PEACOCK. Her self- 
titled debut CD got a boost from Dawson's Creek and good 

reviews. Touring with John Mellencamp and Aimee Mann 

was OK, too. A spring tour will put her in your sights. 


Julia Is 
Totally 
Topless 
JULIA TUKIAINEN 
modeled all over 
Europe, was a page 
three girl, did pro- 
motions for Bacardi 
rum and Absolut 
vodka and appeared 
in techno videos. 
Isn't Finland's loss 

164 our gain? 


007 Babe 
After working in design and marketing, and modeling 
lingerie, Scottish actor CATHERINE MCQUEEN played 
a Russian spy out to seduce James Bond in Die An- 
other Day. It’s hard fo believe he could resist. 


This 
Kitchen 
Has Her 
Own 
Heat 

KARA 
KITCHEN 
poses for 
magazines 
and is a poster 
girl for Big 
Gun Exhausts. 
We're not 
tired of 

her atall. 


Water, Water Everywhere 


Let's he: le: MAIKI MADDIX does worldwide prom 
it on Howard Stern's show. She 
models for calendars and commercials—and sits in the surf. 


In Search of America 

Actor CHRIS TUCKER went on the road in the Midwest with BONO at the end of 
last year to raise awareness about the African AIDS epidemic. They got great press 
and they connected with people who normally wouldn't have been involved. 
Catch Tucker and Bono in their day jobs: Rush Hour 3 and U2 on tour. 


Nothing but Net 
Baby got back: Model MOLLY 
BINGHAM can be found on pay- 
per-view in FI! Pay You to Get 
Naked and in Full Throttle mag- 
azine. We find her irresistible. 


Но роиггі 


PAINTED LADIES 


Great hair, red lips, а thirst for revenge 
and a gun—that has to be the work of 
Niagara, a Detroit artist known for her 
“psycho pop ап.” She and other con- 
temporary female artists are featured in 
Vicious, Delicious and Ambitious, author 
Sherri Cullison's hardcover celebration 
of these babes-with-balls talents. The 
price: $39.95, from Schiller Publish- 
ing at 610-593-1777 


HE FASTEST WAT 
O A MANS HEAR 
15 THROUGH 


HIS CHEST p 
NAKED TRUTH 


The best thing about Naked Tan sun-care lotions is that you get to see ( 


naked women wearing the products when you go to nakedtan.com to 
order. SPF from zero to 30 is offered. Plus, there are logoed Naked Тап 
Tshirts, baby Ts, polo shirts, tank tops, caps and accessories. Admit it: 
You have always wanted a beer-can holder emblazoned with "Expose 
Yourself With Naked Tan." The lotions sell for about $8. 


YOU SURE CAN SLING IT 


The Slinger lets you fire a fresh tennis 
ball for your pooch to retrieve. When he 
brings it back, you can 

shoot a dry ball and store 

the slimy one without hav- 

ing to touch the nasty 

thing. Whew! Or use it 

with baseballs to shoot 

pop flies. Good Time 

Productions sells the 

Slinger for $30, i 

cluding four balls. 

Call 888-545-6834 

or go to goodtime 

productions.com. 


THE ROYAL CARIBBEAN 


Suill think cruise ships are for newlyweds, overfeds and half deads? Try 
a week in the Caribbean aboard Royal Caribbean's luxurious new Navi- 
gator of the Seas, а 3000-passenger vessel that's more fun than some 
small cities. You can try rock climbing, skating, basketball and volley- 
ball, miniature golf, video games, a unique wine bar that offers special 
tastings and a shopping promenade that’s longer than a football field. 
If that doesn't do it, you can swim, barhop, gamble or dine in a variety 
of restaurants ranging from swank to Johnny Rockets. Th 
teens-only sections, so the ship's mai For more 
166 information, go to royalcaribbean.com or phone 800-327-6700. 


THE IRISH IN US 


Raise your glass to the Irish. If you're adven- 
turesome, fill it with Poitín, Irish moonshine. 
Poitin is now legal to distill, and a bottle from 
www.hi-spirits.com costs $59. About $40 more 
gets you Bushmills 21-year-old single-malt Irish 
whiskey, which is aged in bourbon and sherry 
casks before being finished in madeira drums. 
The taste suggests raisins and dark chocolate 
with a hint of mint. Check top 


HIT MITT 


‘The praying mantis folds its 
forelegs, as in prayer, before 
it devours its prey. Praying 
Mantis is the name of Akade- 
ma's new catcher's mitt—and 
it's a good choice. If we ever 
had to catch a Randy John- 
son fastball, this would be the 
glove we'd wear while we 
were praying. The mitt’s 
unique sting-reducing design 
makes it ideal for catching 
and for transferring the ball 
from glove to throving hand. 
No wonder former catcher 
Gary Carter endorses it 
Price: $175. Go to the web- 
site at akademapro.com. 


liquor stores. Supply is limited 


| 
| BUSHMILLS 


(] MALT 
21 


TOY LAND 


This tin Popeye toy sold for $1.75 in 1934. 
Find one in your attic today and you're 
about $2000 richer. It's just one of hun- 
dreds of great playthings pictured and 
evaluated in The Wonder of American Toys, 
1920-1950 by Charles Dee Sharp. 

Price: $49.95, from Collectors 


ў Press at 800-423-1848. 
TWO-WHEEL ARMAMENT 


LA / 

x More than a million bikes a year are stolen and 
only a fraction of recovered bikes are returned 
to their owners. If you want to keep your 
$4000 titanium Lite Speed, mount a Cy-Curity 
alarm under the seat and see how far a thief 
can get when the bike he's pedaling emits a 
shrill siren. The Cy-Curity is motion-sensitive, 
or it can be activated by remote control. Price: 
$49.95, from 800-971-0778 or cy-curity.com. 


BIG-SKY SKIN CARE 


Porter's Lotion is the stuff 
Ralph Lauren should slap оп 
his face. For more than 60 

years, this witch hazel-and 
camphor-based product was 
made in the back of a drug- 
store in Bozeman, Montana. 
Now the line has expanded 
to include liquid, bar and 
shaving soaps, lip balm, bug 
repellent and Hired Hand 
cream. There are even shav- 
ing brushes, a shaving mug, 
a baseball cap and a coffee 
mug. A bottle of Porter's Lo- 
tion will set you back $11 
Call 800-806-1161 or go to 
porterslotion.com. 


Mext Month 


168 


OUTSIDE THE LINES 


TORNE TITILLATES 


TORRIE WILSON—YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT TOUGH ENOUGH 
TO TAKE DOWN THE LATEST WRESTLING SUPERSTAR, BUT 
WE'RE REASONABLY SURE YOU CAN LOOK AT HER NAKED 
WITHOUT GETTING MAIMED. А BOMBASTIC PICTORIAL 


THE CHINA SYNDROME 2003—WHISTLE-BLOWERS FROM 
THREE NUCLEAR FACILITIES VOICE OUR WORST FEARS. NU- 
CLEAR ARMAGEDDON IS ONLY A CAR BOMB AWAY. HOW WOR- 
RIED SHOULD YOU BE? LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY: IT'S TIME ТО 
STOCK UP ON BOTTLED WATER AND CORNED BEEF HASH. AN 
EXPOSE BY RENE CHUN 


BILLY BOB THORNTON—THE RUMORS ENCIRCLING HOLLY- 
WOOD'S QUIRKY GENIUS RANGE FROM A FEAR OF ANTIQUES 
TO MARITAL INFIDELITIES. DOWN IN HIS DUNGEON (OK, IT'S A 
RECORDING STUDIO) BILLY DEBUNKS SOME RUMORS, VALI- 
DATES OTHERS AND, FOR THE FIRST TIME, SPEAKS IN DEPTH 
ABOUT WHAT WENT WRONG WITH HIS MARRIAGE TO ANGELI- 
МА. PLAYBOY INTERVIEW BY DAVID SHEFF 


THE VELVET ROPE ORGY—A NEW FORM OF SEXUAL EXPERI- 
MENTATION IS HAPPENING AMONG HIP URBAN WOMEN: 
THEY'RE NOT SWINGERS, THEY'RE PLAYERS. IF YOU WANT TO 
JOIN THEM, YOU NEED AN INVITE. IN THEIR WORLD THERE'S A 
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOFT SWAP AND A FULL SWAP — 
AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING. BY TANYA CORRIN 


BATTER UP—OUR OPENING DAY GUIDE TO BASEBALL 2003 
INCLUDES EVERYTHING YOU'LL NEED TO SCORE: TEAM PRE- 


REMEMBERING RITIS 


VIEWS, CHATS WITH THE WILDEST PERSONALITIES, 10 REA- 
SONS WHY THE GAME IS ENTERING A GOLDEN AGE AND FIVE 
THINGS WE'D DO TO MAKE IT BETTER, BY ALLEN ST. JOHN 


REMEMBERING НЕНБ RITTS—IN MEMORY OF THE RE- 
NOWNED PHOTOGRAPHER, WE PULL HIS BEST WORK OUT OF 
OUR ARCHIVES: ONE-OF-A-KIND PICTORIALS OF CINDY 
CRAWFORD AND ELLE MACPHERSON. IT'S A KEEPER 


WORLD'S MOST EXPENSIVE COCKTAILS—TIME TO DRINK 
YOUR MONEY AWAY. BEHOLD THE WORLD'S ULTIMATE LUXURY 
COCKTAILS, FROM A $48 SIPPER TO A $12,750 MARTINI THAT 
INCLUDES A DIAMOND RING. THEYRE WORTH THE HANG- 
OVER. BY RAY FOLEY 


MIXED DOUBLES—WANT TO IMPRESS THE KOURNIKOVAS OF 
CLUBLAND? TAKE STYLE TIPS FROM TENNIS PROS JAN- 
MICHAEL GAMBILL, ROBERT KENDRICK AND XAVIER MA- 
LISSE, WHO TORE IT UP IN MIAMI WHILE FLAUNTING THE LAT- 
EST FASHIONS 


APPROPRIATE SEX—LATE IN THE SPRING TERM THE PRO- 
FESSOR'S SEXUAL FANTASIES TAKE CENTER STAGE. IT'S THE 
STONER WHO ISN'T AFRAID TO CONFRONT EVERYONE'S SEX- 
UAL TENSION. FICTION BY STEVE ALMOND 


PLUS: 200 WITH CS/ LOOKER JORJA FOX; DAPHNEE DU- 
PLAIX TALKS SEX; LONG-DISTANCE MOTORCYCLES; PER- 
VERTED LICENSE PLATES THAT DIDNT MAKE IT AT THE DMV; 
SPRING RAINGEAR; AND MISS MAY, LAURIE FETTER